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Oh my GOSH ! Finally ! Chapter 7 is in ! It 's kind of short though , so I just posted all at once . . . anyways , it 's kind of juicy . Hope you enjoy ! ! ! _ - * Krysten * - _ P . S . While you 're here , why don 't you check out my extras over there . I was running through the hot flameyards dodging the piles of flames around me . I seemed to be running a lot recently . My mind was far ahead of me though . Justin ? My father ? That couldn 't be , it shouldn 't be . I stumbled on a burning tree trunk , falling painfully on top of it and engulfing my leg in flames . Quickly , I scooted away from the fire and put out the flames licking at my pants leg with dirt . I stood up and forced the distracting thoughts to the back of my mind , and I made myself keep driving on , even when my legs started to burn , not from the fire , but from running so much . I turned around after what seemed like forever to see if the man was following me . The ruined city had disappeared and the only thing that I could see besides the ever - burning landscape was … nothing . I collapsed onto the ground and took a good look around myself . Patches of slowly moving fire lay scattered around me . The fires around me seemed magical , almost mythical , like hells fire . They were eating away at the already burnt debris around me . It seemed that even the flames themselves were on fire , and the fires would never be satisfied with what it was given . Even the ashes were on fire , the only explanation that I could come up with was that there must have been some ever - lasting chemical in the fire that kept it burning forever . I wondered how far the flameyards went on and how long I would have to deal with this insufferable heat . The fire heated up the air around me , making it hard to breathe . At least it would all be worth it when I got to Raski . The clear , blue , skies , and the green grass . I wondered what it must feel like to lay there on the grass , and watch the abnormally white rain pillows above me . Suddenly , I felt my stomach drop like I had swallowed a stone the size of my fist . Justin . He had called me daughter . Why would he call me that ? I couldn 't be his daughter . There could be no way . Besides , what did it matter if he was or not ? Men didn 't care about their children , they did not even care enough to see them Posted by " Calm down , calm down . I am not lying to you , this is the truth . I took these pictures myself . " " No you didn 't . " I said through the tears . " It 's not real , how could you have done such a thing ? " Yes , I did . " He reached into the pile of rubbish and pulled out a gray thing . " What is that ? " " A camera . I 'm going to take your picture , don 't be scared . " A blinding flash went off inside the building and I screamed . The man with the snapmetal finally found me , and was shooting at me . I screamed knowing that I was never going to see Katlyn again . The worst thing about it was that I was going to die here with this lying bastard . Something grabbed my shoulders and shook me . " Look ! " I opened my eyes and Justin shoved something into my lap . It was a picture of me . I had my mouth open and my face was a brilliant shade of red from shouting at him earlier . " No way . " I whispered softly . " Yes , now do you believe me ? " I believed him alright , there was a Raski , and here was the proof right in front of me , I just didn 't want to believe it . " Show me more . " We spent the next hour or so looking at each individual picture closely . I became more amazed at the ones he pulled out , and was skeptical when he pulled out one with white rainpillows . They looked like you could float atop them . He said that was what they were supposed to look like . " Rainpillows aren 't white , they 're dark , and ominous , and you rarely see them . " I had told him when I saw the picture , but he insisted that they were like that . I saw a picture of one of the monsters my momma would always talk about when I asked her about the flameyards . " What are those monsters for ? " I asked Justin . " Some people keep them in their slums as a kind of slummate , but most of those go around and eat little things . " " That 's disgusting . " " Yea , I didn 't really catch onto the craze . " I looked him curiously and asked him the one question that I had been dying to ask the entire time I was there . " Why did you come back ? " He sighed . Posted by Yea , there was I once loved a man . He was the most wonderful person I had ever met . As a matter of fact , I even bore him a child , or two . We didn 't have separate mates , we only wanted each other , but the council found out about him , and separated us . They said that I needed to have more mates than one , and that if I ever went back to him , they would off us both . I haven 't seen him since . - Momma - I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . A man seeing Raski ? It 's not possible , how could it be ? It was only a myth , a legend , nothing real . " Prove it . " He squinted his eyes at me , " And how do I know you won 't tell the council that I 've gone lopsided and have them off me ? " " Because , I want out . I 'm just not sure if it 's out there or not . " I said honestly . " Ah , I see . " he stood up from his pallet and walked to the lookout hole , then outside . I started to get up to go after him , but before I could he said , " If you really want to know , then I can show you , but you must be willing to believe me . My dear , have you ever seen a photo ? " I said that I did , remembering one of the stories that my momma once told me . He turned around , his face a reddish purple , and his eyes a blackish blue , " Where ? Who had that knowledge ? Get out ! " He pulled me out of my sitting position and dragged me to the front door . I tried to squirm out of his grasp , but he had an iron grip on me . " Get out , get out ! You nasty little spy ! How dare you come into my home and - " " No , my momma , she told me . She knows a lot about the rummy days . " I was able to say . He stopped dead in his tracks , " Your mother told you these things ? " I nodded my head , hoping he would let me go . His fingernails were cutting my skin open . He pulled me to my feet , grabbed my shoulders , and looked me in the eye , " Quick girl , who is your mother . " I told him who my mother was . His eyes glazed over , and he looked like he was far away in a different world . He smiled and said " How is she ? " " I don 't know , I left her slum a few weeks back . Why dPosted by " Ok , let 's start with the basics . Back in the rummy days , there was a war , and it was big . Almost every continent was involved . " I tilted my head at the word ' continent ' , and he sighed . " A continent is a big piece of land . You couldn 't imagine how big it is , even I can 't begin to understand how enormous they are . It is also surrounded by sea . " I didn 't know what a sea was either , but I let it go . " Nukies were involved , and a lot of them . The continents would bomb each other because they didn 't like the way they thought or acted . Everyone knows that one hit Zeca as well , but nukies hit everything else too . There used to be big cities everywhere , with many people , but they were wiped out . The continent we live on had a council of their own back then , and they came up with an invention . " his eyes lit up . " This invention was called the lifesphere . They didn 't tell anyone about it until the nukie hit the town that the lifesphere was placed over . It went all the way up into space , so that nothing would change in that little patch of land . It would hold everything in it , and if a nukie hit , the people and things inside would survive . Nothing could get in , and nothing could get out . The people that were inside there lived on , and still do . After the nukie hit , the lifesphere was deactivated once just let some people out that wanted to repopulate and restore the planet . " " So that 's how we are here ? The people that left are our founders ? " " No I 'm afraid not . There were a few survivors of the nukies , which is why we are here . " " But what happened to the people that left ? " I asked him . I wasn 't so sure that this man wasn 't off his rocker . " They were never heard from after that day . " I wasn 't sure that I believed this man . He sounded kind of crazy , besides who ever heard of a lifesphere ? That was just nuts , no one could have the technology to do that . " Describe Raski . " I challenged him . He seemed to go off into another world as he started telling me this . " In Paradise , Posted by I ran through the alleys , jumping at every shadow , expecting the man with the snap metal to jump out and kill me . Amazingly , he didn 't , I figured that he was still at my slum , holding onto his crotch , moaning in pain . I kept my head down as I ran , hoping no one would recognize me as my feet ran along the broken asphalt . I had no idea where I was going , all that I knew was that I needed to hide for awhile . I felt like I was running in slow motion , and time seemed to come to a complete halt , but yet , my mind was racing . I didn 't know where I was going , or where my feet were taking me , but I didn 't stop going for a long time . After awhile , I stopped in front of a building . Justin 's building . How did I even get here ? I asked myself . I opened the door and stepped inside . His slum had been converted into a trade store , so I had to watch my step . " Justin ? " I called out into the cluttered space before me . There was all sorts of things on the floor , on the cabinets , and even in the chairs . There were edibles , different styles and shapes of knotsacks , canteens , some old rummy books , and even some snapmetals . " Hold on ! " I heard him yell from another room . " I 'm coming ! " A loud clatter came from the room and a barely audible " Oh for Gob 's sake . " There was some shuffling of things and he appeared in front of me . " What can I help you with m ' dear ? " he asked . He looked kind of middle - aged , but he was kind of good looking for a man of that age . He had short , brown hair , and was taller than I . His eyes were a deep purple , so deep that you could get lost in them . His eyes revealed wisdom , and shone with intelligence that I probably would never understand . There was something else about him , something that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . " Are you Justin ? " " I am the one and the only . " he said , as if proud of himself . " Are you sure ? " I asked . I wanted to be sure of who he was . I didn 't want to go blabbing to someone that would turn me over to the council . He squinted his eyes at me and saPosted by The bulging man in front of me chuckled . " That 's right pilgrim , your little friend just happens to be a council elders son . Whatcha think about that ? " I was speechless , how could Leo reek me out like that ? I knew he didn 't like my ideas and beliefs about women , but I never knew he would go crying to daddy about it . Very few people knew who their true father was , and for a good reason too . Fathers basically had control over any of their children that they wanted . The kids always wanted to please daddy , and to make him proud , but I never counted on Leo knowing who his father was . I never expected it to be one of the council elders , either . " He … told you ? " " Yes , he did . Now enough chit chat , where in Gob 's name is the woman ? " he screamed at me . He still had the snapmetal pressed against my face , I needed to think , to stall . " What all did he tell you ? " The man sneered , " He said that you lived with the little prude , and you knew where she was . " he said plainly . That bastard ! ' Quick , quick , quick , gotta get out of here , and away from this snapmetal . You can get out of this . ' I thought to myself . " Why does she have to be offed though ? She 's just one woman , what could she harm ? " " You idiot , if it 's just one woman now , it 'll be all of them later . All of you will start to think like that , then you 'll all put yourselves on a pedestal , and us men will have to knock all of you down . " He twisted a strand of my hair between the hand that wasn 't holding the snapmetal . " And we wouldn 't want that now , do we ? " I realized what I could do to get out of this . " Fine , I 'll tell you , but you have to do something for me first . " " I will do nothing for you . " " You know , I don 't want to end up like Katlyn . " I started , " She 's made some pretty dumb decisions that I don 't want to make too . " I moved my hand up his arm , and played with the frayed brown fabric of his shirt sleeve . " You know , I 've never had a man either . " I said . His eyes widened . " And I want to give uPosted by Ah , the flameyards . They were once called forests , and had many beings in it . The beings were born in the ground , and stayed there for all of their lives . They grew up towards the sky , and were a bright green color . Brighter than any green eye that you will ever see . There were other things too . Little monsters that roamed around in the forests , and ate each other . I was told that the flameyards were once alive with these things , instead of alive with flames . - Momma - An offing - order was sent out about Katlyn . They said that anyone who sighted her should kill her on sight . No one thought that she had left the town . No one had thought that she had left me here to defend for myself , with my only help coming from an unsupportive , insensitive , slummate who didn 't get me at all . No one ever left the town , ever . It was too dangerous , you could die , you would die . The council had drilled it into our minds since birth . If you left , you would perish , and there was no doubt about it . This was all of it , we are all that 's left , and I have believed it all of my years . A couple of weeks went by and two women were killed because the killers thought there were " sightings " of Katlyn . The council didn 't do anything to the two killers , just let them go . Just a woman , they thought we have more . I 've never gotten the council 's way of thinking . They made us have a child at young ages when our body wouldn 't be able to sustain that kind of strain , possibly making us die in the process , and they said that women were the future for all of the world , and when two die innocently , they just don 't care . Shouldn 't we be treated like Gob 's then ? If we are the future and we keep the human population going , shouldn 't we be more important than men ? They don 't have to carry the baby , we have to . All they do is squirt juice out and they 're done , they have the easy part . Then , we have to take care of the babies we make by ourselves because the men just run off afterwards . This isn 't fair , we should be a highly valued part Posted by " Look Luna , you can come with me . This , " she spread her arms across the barren landscape " this , we can get past . We can beat this . In Raski , the sky is clear and there 's grass , and it 's supposed to be so beautiful that your breath escapes you and you can 't breathe right because it 's just so wonderful . " " The sky is fine here . This , " I pushed her chin up towards the brown sky , " is the sky . This is what the sky is supposed to look like . " " No it 's not . " she whispered . " Katlyn , you 're not thinking clearly , you 've heard too many of momma 's stories . This , " I turned her back towards the town , " is all there is . This is your home . There 's nothing else , " I looked her in the eyes , " no one else . This is all of it . We are all that 's left . " Tears filled her eyes , " This can 't be all , I don 't want to live an outcast for the rest of my life , and I know you don 't want to either . I 'm leaving Luna , whether you like it or not , I 'm leaving . I won 't stay here and die , I 'd rather die out there . " She pointed to the desert behind us . " You can stay here and waste away until your trial , but I won 't be offed in this hell place . " Her voice softened , " Let me have a dream , because it 's all I have left . " She turned around and went back inside . I followed her into the slum and sat beside Leo . " What 's wrong with her ? " he asked . " I don 't know , just a lot of stress that 's all . A lot of stress . She 's really strung out right now . " " Oh . " * * * I caught her leaving that night . She was one foot out the door with a knotsack slung around her shoulder . All of her belongings were in there . " Katlyn ! " I whispered . She turned around and looked at me , " You 're not gonna reek me out are you ? " " You know I would never do that to you . I just wanted to wish you good luck on your journey . " " Luna , you can still come , it 's not too late . You can leave this place with me . " " You know I can 't do that . " She looked from side to side , and stepped towards me . She droppPosted by Most of the old rummy buildings got blown to smices when the nukie hit the town , but some survived the blast . Most had the look - out holes blown into pieces of glass , and some of the walls had survived as well . If you found a place that wasn 't unstable , and if you would just clear out the debris , you had yourself a decent slum . - Momma - I don 't know how she was able to do it , but Katlyn managed to beat us home . We walked up the charred steps , opened the door . There she was , all fine and candy , but still out of breath . She was in the cook 's room drinking out of the waterbowl , when we walked in . She looked up at us surprised when we entered . " Oh thank Gob it 's you ! " she ran up to me and hugged me . " Katlyn , what … I … how ? " I stammered . " What happened ? " She smiled at Leo and I and asked if we wanted to know what happened . We nodded and she started to tell us the story . " Well , they started asking me some stupid questions like ' Have you ever had a man ? ' ' How old are you ? ' ' Are you Katlyn Barle ? ' and things like that . I was in this really big room , and I 'm not talking about big , I 'm talking about the biggest room you can imagine . It was ten times the size of this one . " she stopped for a breath . " So , after awhile they finally decided on what they would do with me , and told me . " She smiled , but this wasn 't any happy smile , it was one that made you feel like she was about to devour you . I shivered , I had never seen her smile like that , and it scared me . " And this is the fun part . " she said . " So they had me in this small room , with this … dorb , and he was all over me . I didn 't want it , so naturally I fought him , but then I remembered something . " she turned to me and said , " You remember that night you saved me right ? " I nodded . " Well , I figured that if they were that protective about their privates , then it must hurt to get hit there . Leo 's mouth dropped open . " How could you even think about doing that ? " Leo asked . " Hey , it was self defense . " she shrugged . " IPosted by He looked at me curiously as if asking " What in the world are you talking about ? " but before he could say a word , the doors opened to the meet place and a young man walked out toward us . " The sentence has now been decided . She will have to carry out losing her virginity , or be offed . " he said . I looked at him astounded . " Is the sentence being carried out right now ? " Leo asked the man . " Yes , her sentence is being carried out right no - " Before he could get the last word out , a man 's scream came from inside the building . The man in front of us turned around and ran into the building . Leo and I looked at each other , wondering what was happening . We started to go inside the building as well , but Katlyn beat us to it . She ran outside the meeting hall going faster than I had ever seen her run before . I instantly turned around and ran towards her , trying to catch up . " Katlyn ! " I managed to say . She turned around and looked at me , then she slowed down . " Meet me at the house so we can talk . " She nodded her head , understanding what I meant . Her , Leo , and I were the only ones who knew what a house was , it was a way for me to be sure that no one knew what I meant but them . I slowed down and let her get away . She turned down a small street and disappeared into the shadows . A second later some younger council members ran out of the meeting hall and asked Leo which way she went . " Down Elm Street . " I yelled at the men down the street . " I tried to catch her and see what had happened , but she was too fast . " They nodded at Leo and I and then took off down Elm Street , even though she had gone down 51st Street . I wondered what would happen to me in the future as we walked to our slum . I had lied to some council members , and to their faces to make things worse . I was going to have to go through a trial when I turned eighteen as well if I didn 't find a sutiable mate , and soon . Momma didn 't like the idea of Katlyn being at our slum . " I want her our of here within a week . " she told me the day I brought Katlyn to our slum . I decided that she was right , and that I should probably leave as well . I was 16 now , I was way overdue to go out into the world and get a place . We decided to go around the city and look around for somewhere to live . We looked at all of the old rummy buildings that were still usable , but the only ones that we could live in were too far away from the main road . There were very few buildings still available though , so we had to scrounge around . We finally found somewhere safe , manageable , and in a very good location . It was on the main road , and was not hit as bad as some other slums . There was a problem though , someone already lived there . His name was Leo , and he was taller and older that both of us . His hair was brown , and his eyes were a bright red . The red eyes came from a genetic mutation though . Momma once told me that there were no red , purple , gold , silver , or pink eyes before the nukie hit this town . She said that our human bodies were not supposed to have those color eyes . He was really friendly , and seemed like he wouldn 't mind sharing the place . More and more people were starting to share their slums because of the building shortage . " So ladies , are you sure you want to share a slum with a man ? " he asked us when we started to look around the place . " We don 't mind , " I replied . " As long as there isn 't any funny business around here . " I eyed him suspiciously , hoping that he would get the jest of what I was talking about . " Nah , there won 't be . Not if you ladies don 't want there to be . " He winked at Katlyn , who then tried to make herself smaller . I said goodbye to my momma a couple of days later , we were both pretty sad . I wouldn 't be able to hear her stories anymore , wouldn 't be able to hear her voice anymore , or see her every day . I packed my few things and left her slum forever . * * * A meeting was called about Katlyn a few days afPosted by Thinking quickly , I picked up a glass shard from one of the abandoned buildings as he picked her up and slammed her hard against the wall . I lunged at him , taking him by surprise , and slicing a nice , deep cut on his arm . He looked a little stunned that I was there . I jumped back from the bulging man , prepared to attack again if necessary . " Leave now , " I said through clenched teeth , " or lose it . " I pointed the shard at his private area . He slowly backed away . " Alright , alright lady . Just let me get my clothes . " he picked up his pants and took off to the main street , naked . I walked over to the girl , and looked at her . She wasn 't that bad looking . She was a little taller that I , with blue eyes , and black hair . I took off her gag for her . " You can have what I have in my pockets , just don 't cut me . " I looked down , and realized that I was still holding my makeshift knife , defensivley . I dropped it and went and grabbed her clothes . " Here , put these back on . I 'm sorry , I didn 't mean to scare you , I don 't want your money , and I don 't mean any harm to you . " I handed her clothes back to her . She took them and put them on silently . " Did he hurt you ? " I asked her . She shook her head . " Did he um . . . " I trailed off hoping that she would get what I was asking . " No , " she squeaked . She cleared her throat , " No , he didn 't . Thank you . " " No problem , " I said , and stuck out my hand . " My name is Luna , do you need a place to stay ? " " Yes , I do . My name is Katlyn . " She shook my hand . I took her back to momma 's slum , and that 's where she told me why she was out there in the first place . * * * " Nani 's been telling me lately that she 's done waiting , that I 'm done stalling . ' It 's your time , whether you want it to be or not . ' She told me this morning . " Katlyn looked down at the metal table that we kept in the kitchen in case we had company . Although I really didn 't worry about it with only 85 people in the entire city . " I didn 't think she would really do such a thing . I thought she cared about what I felt . I guess not though . " Her eyes teared up , and she wePosted by " You can 't have just one mate . " my momma used to say this to me all the time . " After the wars , everything changed , you have to help repopulate . " she would go on to say . She used to tell us such wonderful stories about how everything was before the wars happened . Like , how you didn 't have to deal with all this heat all of the time . You could just go into your slum and be cool in an instant . It wouldn 't be a hundred degrees in there . Momma has always called slums " homes " . It 's a rummy word , she says that 's what a slum was called before the wars . I think it sounds kind of nasty , who would want to live in a " home " ? I haven 't ever been cool inside a slum , unless it was the cold season . Momma told me once that it was called " winter " . I really don 't think it was called winter . Winter sounds kind of inviting , but when it 's " Winter " here , it isn 't inviting . It 's cold , and it 's rainy , and ice falls from the sky , chilling us all to the bone . I think she has her names confused . Great grandma heard all of the stories from her grandmother , and she passed them on throughout the generations . That ancient old woman was there when the nukies went off . She was even there before the war turned bad . Once , I was even told that there were more of us . A million more , whatever that means . It sounded like a big number by the way my momma would always say it . It doesn 't really matter what happened back in the rummy days . It is interesting to hear about it and all , but it doesn 't really matter . The only thing that mattered in this world right now was mates , unfortunately . " If you have only one mate , you can be offed , " my momma was saying . " As women , our job is to make children . We must all do our part to help repopulate the world . If you don 't , you can be offed . " Offed , I hated that word . It 's what adults used to scare the children . I was 16 now , an adult , she couldn 't scare me with those empty words . " Don 't have that look on your face , if you don 't have a baby soon , then a council meeting will be called , and they 'll view you as less than uselPosted by I lay in my bed wondering what came next . We only had a month to exterminate the vampire that was causing such an annoyance to the werewolf pack . * It can 't . . . |
Since I had a history of miscarriage , my midwifery practice let me have an early ultrasound at seven weeks . This is about as early as a heartbeat can be detected . When I was pregnant with Adelaide I didn 't get that reassuring ultrasound until 12 weeks and that 's one of the factors that made my first miscarriage so devastating - I didn 't find out the pregnancy wasn 't viable until 12 weeks into it . For those of you who haven 't been pregnant before , you 're considered about four weeks pregnant when you miss your period ( depending how regular your cycles are ) and that 's about the time you can get a positive pregnancy test . Doctors and midwives usually track your pregnancy by the first day of your last period . Most women don 't know the exact date they conceived , but the first day of your last period is a date most women can figure out ( especially those actively trying to conceive ) . So , when you ovulate , you 're already " 2 weeks pregnant " - at least for tracking purposes . Anyway , I say this because between the time of getting that positive pregnancy test and then getting that early seven - week ultrasound , is about three weeks . Three very long , anxiety - ridden weeks . Weeks where you figure out your due date and think about all that would mean , while at the same time trying not to get your hopes up , trying not to think too much about the future , trying to stay " in the moment . " During those three weeks I thought a lot about mindfulness . Primarily I thought about how little I know about mindfulness and how much I 'd like to learn . During those three weeks I told very few people about the positive pregnancy test . Of course , Tim knew . He has been at my side through it all . I even made Tim and Adelaide take photos with the positive pregnancy tests . Adelaide didn 't know what she was holding up for the camera , so no harm done . I also made them do this for the two miscarriage positive pregnancy tests - I 've kept those images , but they 're hidden on an external hard drive because they just make me sad . Then , I told my sister ( she lives far away but provided moral support over the phone ) . I also told my friend Brooke . Brooke has been my pregnancy confidant . She is the little sister of my friend Amy who died of cancer a few years ago . Brooke is the same age my sister , and we became friends when Amy got sick and Brooke moved to Philly . Although Brooke doesn 't live here anymore , she has been a great email pen pal . She has been through more than her share of heartbreak and loss ( both early and late pregnancy ) . She was also pregnant this summer and a great voice of positivity - staying positive and thinking about the end result . The mantra : This is the perfect pregnancy . I 'm so blessed for my two happy , healthy children . So , we had that early ultrasound at seven weeks . Unlike my miscarriages , all three components were there . There was 1 ) a gestational sac 2 ) something in the gestational sac , and 3 ) that something had a heartbeat . It was one of the most nerve - wracking days knowing that after the ultrasound we would either be devastated once again or completely ecstatic . The news was good , we were flying high and the next day I had a doctor 's appointment where the midwife said now that a heartbeat had been detected , my chance for miscarriage went from around 25 - 30 % to only 1 or 2 % . Fast forward to now and I 'm 26 weeks pregnant . The genetics testing is over , even our 20 - week anatomy scan showed " nothing of concern . " Each month at my midwife appointment they check the heartbeat and it has always been great . Still , I worry . The result of having suffered miscarriage is that I no longer have the naivety of not knowing any better . I know first - hand what loss feels like , and I have witnessed stillbirth once removed as it happened to my dear friend . A couple of weeks ago , at 24 weeks , I found myself worried to tears over the fact I didn 't feel as if the baby had been moving as much as the several days prior . I know you 're not even technically supposed to be tracking kicks as early as 24 weeks , and I assume that 's because it 's unpredictable . Still , I worried . I worried something was wrong . I worried I would lose her . Now that I 'm 39 weeks and anxiously awaiting " the day " at any time , I still worry . I find myself stopping my excitement and holding back on wanting to fill the empty drawers with Adelaide 's hand - me - down newborn clothes . I want to meet this little girl as soon as possible because while pregnant I feel so completely out of control . I want to hold her in my arms and know that she is okay . Adelaide 's Birth Story July 28 , 2013 in Pregnancy | 4 comments Adelaide turned two years old today . I thought it was time I finish writing her birth story . I consider this a work in progress , but I finally got the whole story out . Warning : it 's a long one , and it may be too much information for some . Our baby girl was due August 13 , 2011 . ( For the story of our gender reveal check out this post . ) At our 12 - week ultrasound , the technician said she thought the baby was measuring an August 17 due date . The technician said she wouldn 't want to be laboring on her birthday , and Tim and I joked that I would never have a birthday again . From then on , the day would be baby 's day , not mine . My doctor decided to leave the due date as August 13 since it was only four days off from my original due date . And while I knew that a " due date " was just an estimate and that I could reasonably go any time two weeks before or two weeks after , I knew it was likely baby and I would have birthdays very close together . Fast forward to July . My sister bought plane tickets to visit me for a week beginning August 14 , the day after my due date . She just found out that she got a new job ( yay ! ) and no longer had the flexibility to come whenever the baby arrived ( boo ! ) . I 'll admit I was nervous . I thought there was a good chance I 'd go into labor while she was here , and I wasn 't sure I wanted another person around while I was laboring at home and waiting to go to the hospital . I also worried that the baby may be late and my sister would miss her all together . My sister assured me it would be okay . Even if there was no baby yet , we 'd hang out , finish getting ready for her , and celebrate my birthday . As it turns out , I didn 't need to worry . On Tuesday , July 26 , I jokingly told Tim I thought the next Wednesday , August 3 , would be a good day to deliver . My work had already hired a temporary worker to assist while I was out on maternity leave . I was supposed to start training her Thursday and Friday , July 28 and 29 . I figured that by the following Wednesday , I 'd have most all my top priority projects wrapped up . My parents were " on call " to drive out from Illinois whenever they got word of baby 's arrival . If she was born on August 3 , my parents could come out the following week and still have a week here before my sister arrived on the 14th . I was born on a Wednesday , and August 3rd seemed like a nice day for a birthday . I had it all worked out in my mind . Still , it was all said tongue in cheek . While at 37 weeks I knew I was technically " full term " and could go at any time , I still figured I 'd be late . Even though both my sister and I were early , I had heard that most first - time moms don 't deliver until after their due date . So , when I went into labor in the middle of the night , around 2 am on Thursday , July 28 , I totally wasn 't expecting it . It 's so weird . Wednesday we were eating dinner at IHOP and looking at lamps for the nursery at Lowe 's , and then the next day we had a baby . She was here . No more planning . I didn 't have my hospital bag packed . I didn 't have my birth plan written out . I didn 't have a glider or breast pump . I didn 't have nursing bras or a diaper bag . Our house was a mess . I wasn 't yet organized . The nursery wasn 't complete . The dirty dishes were taking over the kitchen . We also had a maternity photo shoot planned for Sunday , July 31 . I had been telling people for the last nine months that I was due in " mid August " and it wasn 't even August yet . Then , I became a mom . I woke in the middle of the night with an intense urge to pee . This wasn 't an unusual occurrence . At 37 weeks pregnant I was regularly getting up in the night to use the bathroom - sometimes even twice in one night . Still , this sensation felt different - like , " wow , I must get to the bathroom now . " As I sat up and started to exit the bed , I ran my hand across the mattress to make sure that I hadn 't leaked or wet the bed . When I walked toward the bedroom door , I felt a wetness in my panties . As I walked down the hall , I felt a trickle down my leg . Right before going to bed that night , I was reading about incontinence in What to Expect When Expecting . I even told Tim that a mutual friend of ours had recently confided in me her incontinence issues after giving birth . So , as I 'm walking ( very quickly at this point ) down the hall , I 'm thinking that I 'm peeing my pants . Still half asleep , it was instinct to run to the toilet as quickly as possible . As I got to the doorway of the bathroom , I started to " leak " more and although I thought , " I should tighten my kegel muscles and try to stop it , " I was already to the toilet . There was a gush , but it all happened so fast that I wasn 't sure if it was my water breaking or just my bladder bursting with relief now that there was release . My panties were completely soaked . I had heard that amniotic fluid smelled distinctive - sweet , not like the ammonia of urine . I smelled my panties , but to tell you the truth , I couldn 't tell what it was . At that point I thought , well , I won 't flush the toilet in case I need to come back and reference this liquid . I 'll just wait and see if I start to have contractions . I knew that few women actually have their water break before contractions - in our birthing classes they told us this was more of a TV sit - com phenomenon than true life . But , when talking about it with my mom in the weeks prior , she said it happened that way for her both times . So , I went back to the bedroom , changed my underwear and crawled back into bed . I don 't even think Tim noticed I had gotten up . Then , almost immediately , I felt mild cramping in my lower abdomen , similar to period cramps . I knew I should relax , that I should try to go back to sleep because I could have a long day of laboring ahead of me . But of course , my mind was racing . And work ! Oh , there 's still so much to do . Our temp was supposed to come in and train today . And all those invoices on my desk - how will they know how to process them ? Who will set up the new budget spreadsheets ? I didn 't want to wake Tim . I wasn 't sure what was going on and there was no reason for us both to be awake and anxious . After about half an hour of lying in bed , I decided to grab my netbook laptop and come downstairs . Plus , I had to pee again already . I opened my laptop and Googled " water breaking vs . peeing . " There were a few message boards that came up , but nothing that answered my question to my satisfaction . I then downloaded a contraction counter to my smartphone . I may have dosed off briefly , but I couldn 't sleep . I didn 't even have my birth plan written out . After attending our Mindful Birthing class and doing lots of reading , I knew birth plans rarely went as planned . One of the midwives told me " they 're more like goals . " Still , I wanted to have something in writing that I could hand the nurse when we got to the hospital . I wanted something that said we wanted a low - intervention birth , that I intended to at least try for a natural , non - medicated birth with a midwife in the hospital 's birthing suite . I didn 't want to be tethered to a fetal heart monitor if it wasn 't medically necessary ; I wanted to be able to walk around . I wanted in writing that I wanted my husband to cut the umbilical cord and that I wanted to hold my baby and try to initiate breast feeding before she was taken out of room - that I wanted her with me skin - on - skin as long as possible . At one point ( it all seems like the middle of the night to me ) , I got back up and went downstairs to type this up . I basically summarized everything in the above short paragraph , but on that night , while beginning labor , I just couldn 't concentrate enough to write it all out . Plus , the contractions were getting more and more painful . I realized that if the contractions were too painful to continue typing , it was probably time to wake up Tim . By this time it was about 5 : 15am , around three hours after my water broke . I told Tim I thought I was in the early stages of labor , that I thought my water broke . He wasn 't as surprised as I thought he might be . He was just very matter - of - fact about it " alright . " We laid in bed together for a bit , but my contractions were getting more and more painful and it wasn 't comfortable for me to lie down anymore . Tim got up and started looking for someone to cover his shifts that day . He took the dog out for a walk . That period is now a haze for me . I remember throwing a bunch of stuff in my backpack . I didn 't know how long I would be laboring at the hospital , so I packed things for both my time laboring and my hospital stay afterwards - my camera , my laptop , the yoga ball , a book to read , an outfit to change into , my journal , some snacks . I was trying to following the 4 - 1 - 1 rule we learned in our birthing class : don 't go to the hospital until your contractions are four minutes apart . one minute long , for one hour . My contractions weren 't a minute long , but they were closer than four minutes . What did that mean ? I was so confused . I remember going down to the basement bathroom and laboring on the toilet . I felt better there , and I didn 't feel anxious about leaking fluids when I was sitting on the toilet . I bounced on the yoga ball , I leaned against the banister and Tim pushed my hips together ( a technique we had learned in class ) . I tried to envision each contraction as a wave coming in and out ( I had read that somewhere ) , but I don 't think I was very successful . I was loud . I moaned with each contraction and didn 't care that it was fairly early in the morning and that we lived in a rowhouse with neighbors close on both sides . I figured they could hear me and hoped that they didn 't call the police for some kind of domestic disturbance . I remember Matt Lauer being in the background as I know the TODAY show was on the TV . By 8 : 00am I had Tim call my midwife practice . They weren 't open yet , but there was an emergency line to call and leave a message . A few minutes later the on - duty midwife at the hospital called us back and Tim answered . I didn 't feel much like talking to her , but she wanted to speak to me . I told her I thought my water broke around 2 : 15am and since my water broke , she told me to come on in . Tim went and pulled the car up in front of the house . I was not looking forward to that car ride . At this point , I was in a severe amount of pain , and I was wailing pretty loudly . I leaned the chair back in the passenger 's seat and braced my feet in front of me . The ride to the hospital didn 't have to be a long one - we didn 't live far from the hospital . However , it was morning rush hour . Then , Tim took a left when he should have gone straight . He wasn 't thinking clearly , and we hadn 't previously discussed the most direct route to the hospital . We also hadn 't planned out the " drop off . " When we got to the hospital , he went straight to the Emergency Room drop - off when he should have turned and let me off at the main entrance . I didn 't want to wait for him to go around the block again , so I just had him pull over so I could get out and walk around the corner of the building . He went to park in the garage and said he 'd meet me inside with all our stuff . The expression on my face must have looked very serious , because she just waved me on . " Third floor , " she said . I walked to the elevator and felt another contraction coming on . I was relieved there was no one else in the elevator . Then , right before the doors were about to close , a female doctor got into the elevator with me . I tried not to be too dramatic about my pain and purposefully didn 't " let loose " like I 'd been doing at home and in the car . She immediately came over to see if I was okay . I could tell she was worried . I knew where I was going ( I 'd been on the hospital tour ) , and although she tried to get me to go the wrong way on the floor , I started walking toward the registration desk . " Okay , you clearly know more than I do , " she said . " Good luck . " When I got to the desk , they were expecting me . I 've heard stories about women having to wait in the waiting room or wait in the triage room for a long time . I was taken into the triage room , right as Tim arrived . They wanted me to pee in a cup and I tried , but I just couldn 't do it . The pain was all - encompasing . I remember wearing a gown and laying in a hospital bed at one point . They checked me and said I was 5 cm and 100 % effaced . " I guess it 's a good thing we had you come in , " the midwife told me . They asked if I wanted to deliver in the birthing suite . " That was the plan . I 'd like to try if I can . " ( If you have an epidural , our hospital doesn 't let you stay in the birthing suite , you have to be monitored in a standard hospital room ) . A few contractions later , they checked me again . 7cm . Someone explained that most women increase a centimeter an hour , not a centimeter every 15 minutes . ( Had it really been a half an hour ? ) Things were moving quickly . All modesty went out the window . I 've had other soon - to - be - mothers ask me what to wear while laboring . Well , I guess you could wear a nice tank top or some other " laboring outfit , " but once in the birthing suite , I birthed completely naked . I think part of the reason was because when I first got into the room they asked me if I wanted to get into the bathtub . I had heard from friends that this relieved some pain , so I was really looking forward to getting into the water . " If you feel like you need to push , let me know , " the midwife said . " We can 't let you have the baby in the water and if we do , I 'll get in a lot of trouble . " She said with a laugh . I remember the midwife trying to get me to trill my lips while I was mid - contraction , a way to relax and breathe . I couldn 't do it , I just couldn 't get my lips to work . After trying a few times I remember saying , " that one 's not working - try something else . " Next , I moved into the shower . Standing , with the water flowing over my back and leaning with both arms on Tim 's forearms , I felt better than I did in the tub . But we weren 't in there long either . The next thing I know , we were back in the main birthing suite pushing . I started out in the bed on all fours , many pillows stacked up underneath me for support . The nurse left to get me some ice and a drink of what I think was seltzer and cranberry juice . Tim was next to me the whole time , but the midwife was the one in command . We moved to a birthing chair - a weird wooden chair with no middle . I pushed through a few contractions there as well . The midwife asked me if we had a named picked out . " Adelaide " Tim and I both said . " Adelaide . " I believe we then moved back to the bed where I pushed on all fours again . I remember liking the bed better than the chair because at this point I was getting really tired and I could rest all of my body weight on the mattress . I can picture Tim there to my left with the drink and the ice saying supportive things . " I can 't do this . I can 't do this , " I repeated . " Yes you can , " they all told me . " You ARE doing this . " I could tell she was concerned that there might be something more than just the pains of a natural childbirth . " I 'm just tired , " I said . " I just want to meet her . " Although I 'd heard it over and over that delivering laying on your back is counter - intuitive to how our bodies are built to birth babies , I found myself on my back . I guess I was technically sitting more than laying on my back . I was propped up by so many pillows that I was in an upright position . An intern held my left leg up near my chest . Tim held my right leg . I remember having a hard time keeping that left leg up while pushing through the contractions . They really had to hold my legs tightly to help give me some leverage . I remember the midwife and nurse talking about all the hair they were seeing . " Oh she has a lot of hair . There 's so much hair . " They asked me to reach down and feel the top of her head . Yeah , it was pretty cool I guess , but at the moment , I wasn 't having it . I didn 't care about her hair and I wanted them to talk about something else . I remember feeling as if the pushing took a really long time . However , in retrospect , Tim said it was only about 45 minutes or so . I just kept envisioning the moment I would meet her . " I just want to meet her . I just want to meet her , " I repeated to myself . Then , on the final push Tim said , " Oh wow . Oh Wow . Oh WOW " - each time a little louder as he saw her head , then shoulders , then whole body emerge . The nurse immediately placed her on my chest . Things at this point were a bit of a blur . We arrived at the hospital around 9am and just after noon , she was born . I believe my first words were , " It is a girl isn 't it ? " still paranoid that the ultrasound had been wrong . The nurse lifted her back up to double check . " Yes , it 's a girl . " I held Adelaide for a bit and she found my breast . After a while ( my memory loses track of time here ) , they took her to be weighed , checked her vitals and footprinted her . Tim took photos as I rested in bed across the room . Eventually they took her to get cleaned up and rolled in some lunch for me . I was disappointed there was no photo shoot in the park , and I didn 't get the chance to train my temp at work . I felt guilty for leaving several things up in the air when I went on an earlier - than - expected maternity leave . I imagine I would have felt differently had I been scheduled to be induced and knew what day I would give birth , or if I had reached my due date and was more prepared that she could come any day . In many ways , I know I was lucky to have avoided the anxiety of being overdue . And the hospital staff made sure to tell me that most women would 've been envious of my quick labor . When we got home from the hospital , I missed being pregnant ( at least parts of it ) , and I felt as if I didn 't get to properly say good - bye to that stage in the cycle . But , I had a new job . I was a mom , and I didn 't have time to think twice about it . I was doing it and trying to digest it all . In the days ahead , I tried to survive the sleepless nights , to sleep when she slept and to enjoy her bright eyes , many facial expressions and calming coos . Evidence Based Birth & Natural Childbirth September 1 , 2012 in Uncategorized | No comments On Monday , September 3 , in 100 cities across the country , Improving Birth is organizing a " National Rally for Change on Labor Day . " In Philadelphia , the rally will take place in front of Independence Hall from 10 : 00 am - noon . The hope is that the movement will bring awareness to the lack of evidence - based maternity care in the United States and will serve as a launch to Empowered Birth Awareness Week . What is evidence - based maternity care , you ask ? I asked myself the same question when I heard the term earlier this week . ( Read the info at the link - it 's interesting ) . I know that for me personally , I wanted as low intervention a birth as possible . I tried to remain open and flexible knowing that very few birth plans go as planned , but I felt empowered with knowledge . I wanted to try and avoid a cesarean section if I could ; I wanted to try for a natural labor without medication . Having never given birth before ( and knowing that every birth is different ) , I didn 't know if I would be able to handle the labor pains without an epidural . I couldn 't predict unexpected complications that might have lead to a cesarean . Armed with everything I had read and was taught in my Mindful Birthing class , I was able to have the birth I wanted . From what I understand , the long - term effects of unnecessary inductions and cesareans are just starting to be realized . However , it takes an average of 20 years for proven research ( evidence - based maternity care ) to become practice . I 'm all for education , and I think empowering women ( and families ) with information about reproductive health and childbirth is invaluable . It 's not about judgement . It 's about education . Join me on Monday at the Philadelphia National Rally for Change , or find a rally location near to you . Classes and other prep July 20 , 2011 in Pre - pregnancy | 2 comments We 've got a crib ! And a dresser with LOTS of clothes in it . ( Seriously , this girl is going to be so well dressed . ) And we have paint on the wall , too . Tim set the crib up in the living room a few weeks ago , and it doesn 't fit up the stairs . If it will fit , it needs to be lifted above the banister , and I won 't be much help with that . It 's still sitting in the living room , but it can 't stay there . Uncle Ben , are you reading this ? Looks like we need you to make a visit to Center City . Tim told me he 's getting even more excited . Having the crib set up makes it seem more real . Our little girl is going to sleep in that . The classes we 've taken have been a wealth of knowledge , too . Even though they 've been on Tuesday nights and I 've had to miss the last four weeks of knitting with my girlfriends , I 'm really glad we decided to shell out the money and take them . For the first three weeks we took a Mindful Birthing class at our hospital . It 's specifically designed for couples who are considering natural childbirth with a midwife and prefer a low - intervention labor and delivery . Tim and I both learned a lot about the woman 's body and what happens during labor . Our bodies are made to do this ! We also learned to stay home and labor as long as possible . When people get to the hospital too early , they are often sent home or if they are admitted but not far enough along , it 's the start of inductions and other interventions that have a domino effect . Being induced brings on stronger contractions . The stronger contractions lead to more pain and the request for an epidural . The epidural slows down labor which then requires more pitocin for induction . Then , a stronger epidural line . At this point , many women still aren 't progressing fast enough and that puts strain on the baby 's breathing and the heart rate lowers causing them to require an emergency c - section . If I can help it , this is not the route I want to go . Our Mindful Birthing instructor told us about the 4 - 1 - 1 rule . Don 't go to the hospital until your contractions are 4 minutes apart , they last for 1 full minute and this has been happening for 1 hour . Last night , we took a Breastfeeding class . Tim wasn 't sure why he would need to be there , but partners were encouraged to attend and he was a good sport . My friend Leslie who is due 6 weeks after me also signed up for the course . Her husband wasn 't too keen on going either , but he said he would go if Tim went . So , they were both there for support . The instructor said that one of the main reasons she likes partners to attend is so we 're more likely to remember the information . If I 'm too exhausted or in panic mode , perhaps Tim will remember some tip from the class that will be helpful to me . The Breastfeeding class was just a one - time class from 6 : 30 - 9 : 00 pm taught by a lactation consultant at my hospital . I 'm so happy we decided to go ( and I 'm grateful Tim came with me ) . Tomorrow night we 're taking one more class . It 's Baby Care Basics where they 'll cover diapering , burping , bathing , swaddling etc … Then , we 'll be totally prepared , right ? Ha ! Midwifery Appointment , Take One May 27 , 2011 in Pre - pregnancy | 2 comments I had my first appointment at the midwifery practice on Monday - finally ! I 'm 28 weeks so it was also the day for my glucose test and RhoGAM shot . ( At this week 's Tuesday night knitting I realized that everyone is as confused about the RhoGAM shot as I was , so I 'll explain that in a following post . ) When I made the appointment , they told me to make a half day of it and I 'm glad I did . I arrived 20 minutes early for my 9 am appointment and didn 't get to work until almost 1 pm . When I met the midwife she asked how I 'd heard about the practice . I told her a friend had recommended them , and also mentioned how hard it was for me to get my paperwork transferred there . ( If you missed that frustrating tale , you can catch up here . ) To my surprise , the midwife explained that since my previous practice was also part of the University of Pennsylvania Health Care System , all I really need to do was sign a release form ( which I did back on March 24 ! ) and they could pull up all my records on the computer . They didn 't really need hard copies of my records at all . I knew it ! The midwife said she would talk to the receptionists and make sure they all knew this . I kind of doubt she 'll remember to mention it . Some other innocent soul will have to go through the same rigamarole as me . So annoying ! I almost wish she hadn 't told me . After all I had been through to get the appointment , it was pretty anti - climactic . The baby 's heart beat was good . My blood pressure was also excellent . My appointments will now be scheduled every two weeks instead of once a month . I 'm in the third trimester ! After my quick consultation / examination , I had to walk a few blocks to the hospital to get some lab work done . First , they took four vials of blood . Then , as part of the glucose test for gestational diabetes , I was given a bright orange drink . It looked like Tang or orange Gatorade . It didn 't taste much different , kind of like a VERY sweet Kool - aid . It was actually better than I thought it would be . I finished the drink at 10 : 53 and had to wait an hour with no food before coming back for them to take more blood . I started to feel kind of dizzy / headachy as my body tried to process the sugars . It was almost my lunch time , and I was getting hungry . I also felt guilty for being away from work for so long . After the hour was up and I gave the vial of blood , they sent me up to the 7th floor and gave me the RhoGAM shot . They didn 't administer the shot , they handed the shot to me in a little baggie . I had to then walk it back to the midwifery practice where a nurse administered it into my upper arm . It was a long day , and I felt a bit " off " the rest of the afternoon . The day was made even longer because we had tickets to see the Phillies play the Cincinnati Reds that evening . It was still a fun night . The Phillies had an exciting 3rd inning and led 9 - 0 . The rain held off ( with just a few sprinkles ) , and we won 10 - 3 . Plus , it was dollar dog night ! Who would pass up the chance to get $ 1 hotdogs at a major league baseball game ? Not this girl . A week ago Monday , on April 18 , I started a new post and wrote those two sentences . Then I saved as a draft and left it . By Thursday I was nearly blubbering into the phone as I tried to explain my situation to yet another person on the other end . I don 't understand why our health care system has to be so hard . And bureaucratic . And expensive . I 'll focus on the " expensive " in a later post , but for now I 'll concentrate on the " hard " and " bureaucratic . " For nearly a month I 've been trying to get my paperwork transferred from the Family Care practice where I am currently to an Ob - Gyn / Midwifery practice . I received my initial prenatal care with my primary care physician knowing that I would likely change mid - pregnancy . That was probably my first mistake . As early as 10 weeks or so I was " looking into " this midwifery practice and had pretty much decided that 's where I wanted to be . I liked the idea of having a midwife and having a natural birth in one of the hospital 's birthing suites . I liked that the midwives in this practice deliver at Pennsylvania Hospital , so I will have access to their Ob - Gyns , epidurals and other measures should they become medically or otherwise necessary . I 've obviously never done this before , so while I would like to try a natural childbirth and stay away from a C - section if at all possible , I am trying to be open to other options and the reality that birth plans don 't always go as planned . At my 12 - week ultrasound appointment , they went ahead and scheduled me for my sequential screening 's second blood test ( at around 16 weeks ? ) and my 20 - week anatomy ultrasound . Since I had a good experience at my first ultrasound ( and since I had agreed to be part of a University of Pennsylvania placenta study ) , I decided to remain under the care of my primary care physician through that 20 - week ultrasound . I didn 't try to get an appointment at the Ob - Gyn / Midwifery practice until I was nearly 19 weeks . In retrospect , this was another mistake . When I called to see if I could get my paperwork transferred to the Midwifery office and schedule an appointment , the receptionist said they usually don 't accept new patients past 16 weeks . Since I had been under regular care , the receptionist said the decision to accept me would be up to the midwives after my paperwork was transferred and they had reviewed my files . ( Apparently , some people try to come into the practice after 16 weeks without having previously seen any doctors - I had been having regular care since 8 weeks . ) The receptionist at the Midwifery practice was kind and told me I could go into my doctor 's office and fill out the release forms , or I could go to their office , fill out the forms , and they would fax it over to my practice . Knowing the over - worked , never - particularly - speedy - or - responsive office of my primary care physician , I decided to go to the new office and fill out the paperwork . That was on Thursday , March 24 . To fast forward through all the small details , I was told it would take 7 - 14 days for the paperwork to get transferred . I thought that was completely ridiculous . The practices are both part of the University of Pennsylvania Health Care System - why would it take so long ? I wanted to just go to the office and photocopy the documents myself . Still , I accepted the red tape as part of the process and decided not to bug them until the end of the 14 days . Of course , the 14 days came and went and no phone call . I called to the Midwifery practice to follow - up , and although my contact on the other line was always friendly , she always said " no , " they had yet to receive the paperwork . Finally , I got confirmation that the paperwork was mailed on April 7 . The receptionist told me it could take a week ( April 14 ) for the new practice to get it in the mail . Okay , at least it was in the mail . I decided not to call back until after the 14th . Meanwhile , I had a routine appointment scheduled with my primary care physician on April 14 . I decided to go as planned because I didn 't want to get behind on my care , especially if I wasn 't able to get into the new practice for some reason . At that appointment , my primary care physician said she could see in my file that this other practice had requested my paperwork and that it had been sent . She thought 7 - 14 days sounded absurd and when I expressed some concern that my April 14 appointment wasn 't going to be in the paperwork that was sent over , she told me I could call her and she would make sure that it got to them quickly . I waited until Monday , April 18 to call the Midwifery practice and follow - up . I figured surely they would have received my paperwork by this point , and while I knew a midwife would have to review my file before anyone would call to schedule an appointment with me , I just wanted to confirm that they had indeed received it . When I called on Monday , they said " no . " They still hadn 't received it . That 's when I opened my blog and drafted the first two sentences of this post . Tears of frustration overflowed , and I closed my office door to compose myself . Then , I called the emergency number my primary care physician had given me . I felt a little silly for calling her cell phone for such a request , but at this point I had had it . I nearly broke down as I told her they still didn 't have my paperwork . She told me she was going to look into it for me , and called back a little while later saying it had been faxed over . When I called the Midwifery practice the following day , they still didn 't have it . They didn 't seem to know what I was talking about . I like my primary care physician . She went out of her way for me . I don 't think she was lying . Most everyone at the Midwifery practice was friendly , but there was obviously a communication breakdown somewhere . I called my primary care physician 's emergency line again and told her they still didn 't have my paperwork and that they had no recollection of speaking to anyone from the Family Care practice . At this point I think my doctor was pretty perturbed herself . She said she would fax it over personally that night . The next day , last Wednesday at this point , I didn 't get a chance to call the office until almost 5 : 00pm . My regular contact wasn 't working , and the woman I was supposed to speak with was already gone for the day . I would have to wait and call again on Thursday . I called early on Thursday morning and the receptionist who has been my main contact was out of the office again . I was trying to be assertive , but it 's likely I was also being slightly bitchy . The receptionist informed me I was never to call that direct line again . Apparently , the number I had been calling was a doctor 's only line . I had called it at least a dozen times as I misunderstood it to be the direct line given to me by my contact . Never before had anyone expressed that I had the wrong number , and at this point it was more than I could take . When she transferred me to " records , " I was already beginning to cry - my voice cracked as I introduced myself and it was clear that I was at my breaking point . Although I felt embarrassed for not keeping my composure on the phone , I realized the woman deals with pregnant women everyday and is probably used to them getting emotional . Finally , she confirmed that " yes , " they had indeed received my paperwork . Sorry this post was so long - winded . I didn 't intend for it to be so detailed , and clearly it was more for me than anyone reading . However , if there are any other first - time mom readers who are considering changing practices , I 'd definitely recommend trying to put things in motion sooner than I did . I 've also heard that someone in a similar situation went to her doctor , told them she would be traveling the following week and requested a copy of her paperwork to take with her on the trip . They released the paperwork to her within days , and then she copied it and handed it directly to the new practice . I don 't know if this would have worked for me ; I have the feeling they only would have accepted the " official " paperwork straight from the doctor 's office , but I guess it would be worth trying . This process has left me exhausted . When I finally spoke with one of the midwives on the phone last Friday , she asked me what I was looking for in a midwife practice . She was friendly / helpful / personable . I think we 're on the same page , but I won 't have my first appointment for another four weeks . Now that I 'm in , I hope my experience there is as positive as I 've built it up to be . |
It is with great concern I write to you regarding your daughter Olga as I do not believe you are aware of her circumstances . I first became acquainted with your daughter when she was referred to this home by the Matron of St Giles Hospital because she was pregnant . Olga remained at the Refuge until she gave birth to her daughter , Marie . It is part of the Refuge 's policy that we try and maintain contact with mothers in order to see how they cope with their baby and , in spite of my initial doubts as to Olga 's ability to support both herself and a baby in a foreign country , as an unmarried mother and the stigma associated with that , I was impressed with how well she managed . However , Olga 's circumstances have now changed and she recently came to me with Marie in some emotional and financial distress . Her appearance gave me cause for concern , although , I would report that Marie looked well nourished and cared for . I gave her a little money , but , I suspect that Olga has no job or even a home to go to since she was evasive when I asked where she was living . I did my best to try and persuade Olga to contact you but , she is as adamant , as she was when I first met her , that you should know nothing of her circumstances . I have respected her decision until now . I believe your son Sydney comes to London on business . I would urge that on his next visit he contacts me and I will endeavour to help him locate Olga and Marie . Yours truly Over the years Martha has been referred to as the black sheep of the family , but my sister has demonstrated that she is much more than that . She is a vengeful and wicked woman who broke the heart of a sister that had only ever shown her kindness and affection . I realise now the dye was cast for Becky all those years ago when she announced her plans to marry Henry . Martha thought , irrationally , her dream of becoming rich with her own fashion house had disappeared because of Becky 's decision to marry a black man . Of course , she was wrong . She could have continued with her plans and ridden out the storm . But she lacked courage , something Becky had in abundance . So as an act of spite for some perceived slight all those years ago , Martha finally got her revenge in a spectacularly cruel way , allowing Becky to go to her grave believing her beloved daughter was dead . How could she do that ? As for Martha 's hypocrisy , lambasting Becky for marrying a black man when she was secretly living in sin with one in London , I cannot even bring myself to comment on it . Thank God for Geraldine Franks . What a good woman she is , but if only she had contacted us sooner . Olga is alive and has a little girl . Sydney says he will go to London to find her and bring them home . My mother , Olga , never returned to Jamaica nor was she reunited with any member of her family again after her meeting with Sydney in 1946 . Over the years Mum had been reluctant to talk about her past so I determined to find out what I could myself . I placed the following advertisement in the Sunday Gleaner in July 1996 : HAVE SEEN YOUR NOTICE IN THE GLEANER . SISTERS ( CISSIE , PEARL , RUBY AND DOLLY ) OF OLGA BROWNEY ARE RESIDING AT 9 ANTHURIUM DRIVE , MONA , KINGSTON 6 , JAMAICA . TEL : NO : 809 - XXX - XXX . VERY ANXIOUS TO MAKE CONTACT . WILL ACCEPT COLLECT CALL . RUBY SHIM ( MRS ) Slowly my mother 's story unravelled and I discovered much about her family and other things too ; I learnt about my grandmother and what courage she showed in following her heart and marrying a black man knowing she would be ostracised by Jamaican white and coloured society ; I learnt how the Jamaican social and class structure mirrored the English pattern of behaviour . I knew there was colour prejudice ( or racism as it is called today ) but I had no idea that coloured people felt the same way about the blacks . I was upset to hear that some of my grandmother 's children railed against Becky for marrying a black man . I learnt a lot about the wonderful Jamaican culture and folklore - anancy , duppies and , of course , obeah , things I knew nothing about until I started my research . A couple of times , when I was a child Mum had mentioned , almost sheepishly , that her mother and other members of her family practiced voodoo in Jamaica and that it was a powerful weapon to extract revenge for wrongs committed . My Aunt Ruby told me when I met the family in Kingston , that my great aunt Martha narrowly escaped being buried in a pauper 's grave in London thanks to the generosity of the family responding to a request from a Catholic priest for money to bury her . But the most notable information I acquired was how I was conceived . It was obvious as Mum told me her story that the anguish of that event had barely diminished even though it had happened decades ago . When , over the years , Mum refused to talk to me about my father saying " it 's too painful " it never once crossed my mind that she might have been raped and I was the result . I can only imagine what it must have been like for her - an unmarried mother , coloured , no family for support - save for a malevolent alcoholic aunt and alone in a foreign country which just happened to be in the middle of a world war . My father died in New York in December 1949 ; waiting on a railway platform he fell under the wheels of an oncoming train and was killed instantly . By all accounts he was a man with a complex personality , mercurial and prone to depression . He suffered from mood swings , failing eyesight and dizzy spells , the latter caused by a serious horse riding accident a few years before his death . Opinion was divided as to the cause of his death . The medical examiner recorded John Edward 's death as ' probably an accident ' since an autopsy had shown nothing untoward . His family thought it was an accident ; his work colleagues thought he 'd committed suicide as a result of his depression . Hunters Farm : I applied for a job with a Major and Mrs Langford . They have a farm in Pulborough and live in a big Tudor house . I arrived for the interview and rang the door bell . When Mrs Langford opened the door she looked at me in surprise , so , I told her my name was Carmen Browne and I had come for an interview . " But you 're coloured " " Oh … . yes . I 'm sorry " I said . " Well , now you 're here , you 'd better come in " . I told her I was a widow with a young daughter at boarding school and that my husband had been a doctor and been killed when the tube station he was sheltering in had been hit by a bomb . She explained that I would be cooking for the family and small intimate dinner parties , but no fancy food as she and her husband liked good plain cooking . I showed her my references and she read them twice . I wonder why , they 're very good . Mrs Langford isn 't sure that I am the sort of person she wants and is going to discuss the matter with her husband and will let me know in about a week 's time . I won 't get the job . She doesn 't like coloured people . Good news : Mrs Langford wrote to me and said she would give me a three months trial period as she would like to see how things worked out when Marie comes home for the holiday . Thank goodness , I was getting worried . I didn 't want to ask the nuns to keep Marie again for the holidays . The Langfords like her and so do their two children , Emma and Tim . The children aren 't snobs like their mother and they play nicely together and tell each other about their schools . The convent has made quite the little lady out of Marie and listening to her talking with such confidence makes me feel she has more in common with them than me . The children sat spellbound the other day , on the backdoor step of the kitchen , while Marie told them about a new film , " Never Take No for an Answer " , the nuns had taken her class to see . It 's about a little orphan boy called Peppino whose precious donkey , Violetta , falls ill and he wants to take the donkey into the crypt of St Francis , who is the patron saint of animals , in the hope that this will cure Violetta , but everyone he goes to for permission says no he can 't . So Peppino decides to ask the Pope himself and he and Violetta have a long and hard journey to Rome with many obstacles in his way , but in the end the Pope says yes and Violetta goes into the crypt of St Francis . It 's a lovely film and very sad ; I cried when I saw it . Emma came to the kitchen and asked me if Marie could come for a swim in their pool but I told her Marie had to help me shell the peas for lunch . So Emma offered to help and then Marie could finish quickly . Mrs Langford came into the kitchen and saw what Emma was doing and was very angry with me . " My children do not do the servant 's work " she said . I was furious with her . Marie is not a servant . I am . First thing in the morning Emma , Tim and Marie go the dairy and help George , the farm hand , milk the cows . Then after breakfast they all go off riding together and are gone for hours . It 's busy at harvest time and everyone is expected to help so they are all out in the fields until nearly dark , including the children . Marie fits in well with the family and now Mrs Langford doesn 't like to see Marie doing kitchen chores , but they keep me so busy in the kitchen and sometimes I need help and it 's good to remind Marie that she is not one of them . I think she looks down on me sometimes . Last night I dreamt about the day I made my first Holy Communion . There were 200 of us that Sunday morning in the Holy Trinity Cathedral . It was a grand occasion with the choir in the background singing " Mass of the Angels " while the service was in progress . And then we all left the Cathedral to the sound of Mozart 's Grand March . Outside the Cathedral there were group pictures of us all taken with our family and then onto a wonderful breakfast and the Alpha Band playing while we ate . I know why I dreamt about this . Guilt . I was feeling guilty about not being at the convent yesterday when Marie made her first Holy Communion . Mrs Langford said I had to change my day off because she wanted me to cook Beef Wellington for a luncheon party which she decided to give on the spur of the moment . I tried to explain to her how important it was that I went to the convent and how disappointed Marie would be , but her bloody Beef Wellington was more important . She said I could take the day off , but I could have my cards at the end of the week . I need this job , I had to do it . Please don 't be cross with me . Sister Bernadette put my name in the naughty book again . Is that why you didn 't come to see me on Sunday ? I am sorry Mummy . I didn 't mean to be naughty . I 'm trying very hard to be good . Sister Philomena says can you send some money for a new pair of shoes for me . These one squash my toes up and it hurts when I walk . Sister Philomena says they are too small . I went to mass this morning and it was very nice . This evening we have stations of the cross , my favourite . I have made two new friends . One is called Leonie and one is called Anne Truelove . Leonie sucks her arm a lot . The Concert at the Convent : What a lovely evening . Marie was so excited when she saw me and I was happy I 'd come to the convent , although I was very nervous . I 'd been hoping to buy a new outfit , but I couldn 't afford it . Mrs Langford said I looked very smart so that was nice . I worry that Marie will be ashamed of me because I don 't dress as well as the other parents and I 've put on a little bit of weight , well , quite a lot really . Sometimes , you know , I find it convenient to let people think I 'm Marie 's nanny . A few weeks ago Sister Bernadette wrote to me and asked me to buy Marie a ballet dress as she had been chosen , along with nine other girls , to be swans in the chorus line of the ballet Swan Lake . Once the orchestra started playing , out came the dancing white swans onto the stage , and my heart sank when I saw Marie . She danced on to the stage , the only blue swan amongst a line of white ones . It didn 't occur to me when I bought her ballet dress that it should be white . I saw the blue one and thought blue is her favourite colour , so I bought it . There was a gasp from the audience when she appeared on the stage but she carried on dancing beautifully . At the end of the performance each swan had to come to the front of the stage and curtsy to the audience and when it came to Marie 's turn , the audience gave her a lovely round of applause . Wasn 't that kind of them ? I was so proud , I cried . I bumped into Mrs Langford when I came out of the betting shop in Horsham . Damn nuisance . I pretended I 'd gone into the wrong shop but I don 't think she believed me . I don 't gamble a lot just a little bit now and again . Just to help me with the school fees . I wish I 'd paid more attention to Boysie when he took me to Kingston races . He always won . He said he knew how to study form . I don 't even know what that means . I just stick a pin in the newspaper or else if I like the name of the horse , I 'll back it . The first two times I bet I won and it seemed easy . My luck 's not good at the moment . What can I do ? I have asked Mrs Langford if she could let me have an advance on my wages so I can send the convent some money . She said she would think about it . Later that day she came to me and said how fond the family was of Marie and she had a suggestion to make . " You are obviously finding it difficult to bring up Marie . What if I give you a cheque for £ 250 and we take Marie off your hands . " I couldn 't believe what she was saying . " No , I can 't do that " " Well , Carmen " she said " you should give the matter some thought . " Marie is a lovely child and even if you didn 't want to leave her with us , you should consider having her adopted . It is obvious you cannot support her . " Marie is home for the Christmas holidays . She is unhappy at the convent and wants to leave . She says there is a nun who is very cruel , Sister Claire , and she is the one who keeps punishing Marie . I understand now why Mammie didn 't say anything to Sydney when he whipped us . I think it is wrong that the nuns smack a child , but I cannot say anything because I owe them money . I have to find the fees before she returns in January . Christmas Eve : Marie asked me if she should put a big pillow case or a little pillow case at the end of her bed for Father Christmas to leave her presents . I snapped at her and told her he 's not coming this year . Oh God , the expression on her face . I heard her get up in the middle of the night and look to see if there were any presents . She said nothing about it the next day . I feel terrible . I have no money for presents . Good Friday : There is a big crisis going on . Mr Langford has lost the keys to his study . He cannot open his safe without them so everyone has to search the house until they are found . Mrs Langford asked me if I had seen them and , of course , I haven 't . I don 't go near his study . She has accused me of taking them and called in the police and asked them to search my room . She has told them that little knick knacks have gone missing for some time and suspected it was me . A plain clothes policeman searched my room , opening the drawers , taking out our clothes and throwing them on the bed , going through my wardrobe , the contents of my handbag strewn over my bed . Marie was watching and crying . They broke my little statue of the Virgin Mary on the table by the bed . My bible was on the floor . They found nothing . But they still took our fingerprints , mine and my little girl 's . Shortly after the police left , Tim Langford found the keys in his father 's car ; they had dropped down the side of the driving seat . Later that same day I packed our suitcase and Marie and I left the Langfords , but , not before Mrs Langford had insisted on emptying my suitcase to check that I had not stolen anything from the house . I had very little money and I suppose I should have stayed because I was not keeping Marie safe , but my pride wouldn 't let me . Baywood Farm 's front drive is about half the size of a football pitch and I knew that , as Marie and I walked unsteadily on the loose gravel into the country lane , the Langfords were watching us . Marie using both hands to carry her suitcase and me struggling to carry the heavier suitcase and trying to make as dignified an exit as possible . I got a coach to London and went to the Refuge in Fulham to see Geraldine Franks and explained my position . I thought she would help me . She was very sympathetic , but , in the end she said she had no choice but to inform the authorities that Marie and I were homeless . I knew what that meant and left . We went to Victoria Coach Station and got on a coach to < - - Martha 's Revenge The worst present in the world : It 's my birthday today and God has given me a terrible birthday present . Jamaica has been hit by a savage hurricane with winds over 125 mph . Kingston suffered badly and so far 154 people have died and 50 , 000 are homeless . Please God , let my family be safe , please , please . How can I find out how they are ? There isn 't very much in the newspapers about it . Perhaps the newspapers here will print the names of the people that died , like the Daily Gleaner does . If not , I 'll have to go and see Aunt Martha ; she will be in touch with the family . It must have been terrifying ; it 's bad enough when a hurricane comes during the day but this one struck at night . Aunt Martha : Went to see her , but what a shock I had . It 's a been a long time since I last saw her and AM 's changed a lot . . She looks like she 's shrunk and looks so much older and her teeth were rotten - breath smelt ! I wasn 't sure how she would react when she saw me at the door , but , to my surprise , she was very nice . " Olga , come in , how nice to see you " . I was shocked too by the state of her flat , which was once pretty and clean , but now filthy , dark because the curtains were drawn even though it was daytime and it smelt of stale cooking fat . " Excuse the mess , it 's difficult to find good help these days " . I thought she was being funny , but the look on her face said she was being serious . " I 've fallen on hard times , and can 't sew any more , arthritis " she said showing me her knarled hands . After a while I asked her if she knew how Mammie and the rest of the family were after the hurricane . She said she hadn 't heard from any of them since 1946 when Sydney was in London . " You remember when Sydney was here that time , don 't you Olga ? That was when you told him my secret , wasn 't it " ? At first I didn 't know what she was talking about . And then I remembered . She had made me promise not to tell the family that Mr Kitchen was a black man . I knew why she didn 't want the family to know . It would have shown her up to be the hypocrite she is , after all she was horrible to Mammie for ages because she had married Pops . I started to deny it but she stopped me . " Don 't , Olga , don 't lie . It 's not important anyway . It 's all in the past and what 's done is done " . Aunt Martha is not normally the forgiving type . In fact , I remember Aunt Lucy saying Aunt Martha could bear a grudge longer than anybody else she knew . But , perhaps she had softened in her old age , I thought . " Why are you asking me about the family , Olga ? " . Suddenly I was angry with myself . You fool Olga . I realised my mistake immediately - by asking about the family I was telling her I wasn 't in contact with them . " Why don 't you ask them yourself Olga , or is there some reason you can 't ? Do you have a secret too , Olga , is that why you haven 't gone back to Jamaica ? " She asked sympathetically . Then her voice got harder . " You don 't have to tell me your secret Olga , I already know it . I phoned St Giles a long time ago and after a bit of digging around , I discovered you 'd been kicked out of the hospital because you were pregnant . You had a baby didn 't you . Mammie 's favourite little girl got herself a little bastard " . " That 's why you won 't speak to any of the family or go home , isn 't it " ? I nodded . " Oh , don 't worry Olga , " she was being sympathetic again now " Your secret 's safe with me . I promise you I won 't mention it to any of them " . I looked at her and there was a little smile around her mouth but the smile didn 't reach her eyes . They were cold . I don 't think age had mellowed Aunt Martha , I think she is still a mean spirited woman . I am the bearer of some tragic news . I have today been notified by the authorities that Olga died in the winter of 1947 . Apparently , at the time of her death , there was nothing to identify her , no identity card , passport , letters , nothing . This has come to light all these years later because , by chance , I read in the local paper of a woman who was in court recently for shop lifting and gave her name as Olga Josephine Browney . I immediately went to the police and said I wanted to see this woman because she was a relative of mine , but when I saw the woman , it was not Olga . The woman 's real name is Celeste Rodgers and according to Celeste she befriended Olga all those years ago . Olga told her she had nowhere to live . Celeste told Olga she rented a room in a boarding house and she was sure the landlady wouldn 't mind if Olga stayed there for a few days until she found somewhere suitable . While Olga was sleeping Celeste robbed Olga , took all her possessions , including her clothes and moved out . Celeste gave the police the address and I recently visited the landlady who confirmed that over three years ago an unnamed coloured woman was found dead in bed of hypothermia in a room that had been rented to Celeste Rodgers . Because Olga had nothing to identify her , and it pains me to have to tell you this Becky , Olga was buried in a paupers grave . Some small comfort , however , Becky , at least Olga is with Jesus now . Dear Diary The Convent : Marie is in boarding school now at Our Lady 's Convent in Dartford and is very nice and lots of posh people 's children go there . Matron thought I was her nanny when we arrived and didn 't hide her surprise when I said I was Marie 's mother . While we talked Marie was crying because she didn 't want to leave me . I gave her a white lace handkerchief to wipe her tears and she was wiping her little face with it saying " Don 't go Mummy , please don 't go " . It upset me . " Never mind , when you are gone and she sees the other children she 'll be alright " Matron said . In bed that night I cried my eyes out because I didn 't have Marie with me . . I know this will be good for her because she will be taught how to become a lady and to speak nicely . The sisters say she will settle down and make new friends and not to worry about her . Poor Madeline is missing Marie a lot . Mrs Hammell is worried because Madeline is not as strong as other children she might get hurt at school , so she prefers to employ a private tutor for her at home . I think Madeline would be fine at school . Mrs H is over protective of her . Madeline and I are getting very excited because Marie is coming home for the holidays . Then Mrs Hammell said it wasn 't really convenient for Marie to come home during half term and would I mind asking the nuns if she could stay in the convent instead . So Marie stayed in the convent again and I haven 't seen her for such a long time . Will have to give both girls lots of special treats . At last Marie is home for the holidays but there is a change in Mrs H 's attitude to me . She is off - hand with me . " Have I done something wrong ? " She said she was unhappy with my work and thinks I am more interested in Marie than in looking after Madeline . That 's unfair , and it 's not true , and I told her I go out of my way to pay Madeline more attention than Marie . I took the girls to the Zoo and when we got back home , Madeline came up and hugged me and gave me a kiss to say thank you . I think Mrs H is jealous because Madeline is very fond of Marie and me . . Mrs H and I have had a little talk . " I apologise if I was wrong " she said . " But , really , Carmen , no mother can look after another person 's child and neglect her own " . * * * * * * Dear Diary Back to the kitchen : Now Marie is in boarding school I have a better choice of jobs . I 'm working for Googie Withers , the film actress , and her husband , John McCallum , as an assistant housekeeper in their London home . I keep their house clean and on their cook 's day off , I do the cooking . I really like it . They are both very sweet and kind to me . They have all sorts of interesting people to dinner , other actors and writers , and they 're not demanding . Mr McCallum is so handsome he makes me swoon . He 's like the hero in some of Ruby 's stories . The only problem is Marie can 't come home for the holidays . I didn 't tell them about her because otherwise I wouldn 't have got the job . I know Sister Bernadette is getting cross with me because she thinks I am neglecting Marie . I promised Marie I would go to the sports day . She was running in the egg and spoon race but I had to miss it . I feel simply dreadful and I miss her terribly . She wrote me a letter and said she was very upset and crying . " All the other Mummies came to sports day but not my Mummy " . It 's no good , even though I like this job a lot , I will have to find another one before Christmas so I can have Marie in the holidays . Falling behind on my savings . Dear Diary I had a letter from my friend Moores today . I wrote to her to ask her to lend me some money because I have to pay Marie 's school fees . I hated doing it . She 's so kind Moores , she always was to me - and she sent me more money than I asked for . She said she was still in touch with Ethel who was married and has two children . But Moores isn 't married . She said she hadn 't found the right bloke . Moores still kept in touch with some of the other nursing students we worked with and she 'd heard that John Edward , Marie 's father , had died in December 1949 . He 'd married an American girl and moved to New York and was working as a doctor in one of the hospitals there . He was standing on the subway platform and just fell forward onto the railway lines and was hit by an incoming train and killed outright . Witnesses said he just toppled forward . Moores said there was a mystery surrounding his death . An autopsy had revealed nothing unusual and so the medical examiner concluded that he probably had an accidental fall . But some of his colleagues were sure he 'd committed suicide . Apparently he suffered from depression quite a lot . Moores asked me if I had worked Obeah on him for what he did to me . Honestly , how could Moores think I 'd do that ! Of course , I didn 't , but if any of my family knew what he had done to me , they would certainly have worked obeah on him . It 's rather a nice picture of him . Poor Sydney he feels he has let me down not bringing Olga home . He says she looked smart , but tired and her demeanour had changed . Her sparkle had gone and he thinks there is something wrong , but she 's not saying what it is . When he asked Martha if she knew , she said she hadn 't seen Olga for months . If something has happened to her in England and she feels she cannot talk to me about it , then I have not done a good job as a mother . I 've let her down , otherwise she would be here knowing there is nothing she could ever do or say that could make me love her less . But at least I know she 's alive . Last night the tots and I went to the Holy Trinity Church and together with Father Butler we prayed to St Anthony to bring Olga safely home . When Sydney visited Martha he said the first thing she asked him for was money , but he refused to give her any . That surprised me . He says she 's always asking for money and thinks he has an endless supply and , then , almost as an afterthought he added , " I don 't think she was very nice to Olga " . I wonder if Martha has something to do with Olga not coming home " . In fact , he says he doesn 't want any of the girls to stay with Martha in future because it is not a very nice area now . I doubt that any of the girls will want to go to London ; it must be quite dangerous living there with unexploded bombs and much of it looking like a vast building site . How is Olga managing with the winter cold , I wonder ? I remember how the harsh the weather could be and how the temperature could drop to freezing . And what if it snows and there are blizzards , can she keep warm ? Britain is still recovering from the war and we know they are still short of certain foods and fuel . It 's strange , but I don 't think I could bear to be cold now after living here for so long . Dear Diary Mrs Hammell : Went back to Massey 's Agency to look for a job looking after children . I don 't want to cook any more . I had an interview with a Mrs Gloria Hammell , a widow , and explained that I was a widow too and that my husband , who had been an air force pilot during the war , had been shot down by the Germans over France . She was very sympathetic . Mrs Hammell has a daughter called Madeline and she wants a live - in mother 's help for her daughter because she has very weak legs and they needed to be rubbed daily with olive oil . I told her about Marie and explained that , although she wasn 't at school yet , she would be starting soon . Mrs Hammell said if she offered me the job she was happy for Marie to come with me as she thought it would be very nice for Madeline to have a companion to play with . I showed her my reference from Mrs Hurt but she said she would telephone Mrs Hurt and speak with her personally and would let me know about the position when she had made a decision . Mrs Hammell has a lovely 3 - bedroomed flat in Cheyne Walk , Chelsea and Marie and I have a nice room with a big double bed . It 's a good job because all I do is look after Madeline and Marie being there makes it easy because they play together nicely . Madeline is a kind little girl and doesn 't mind sharing her toys with Marie . I take the girls to Hyde Park quite a bit and when it 's hot they paddle in the Serpentine or sometimes we will have a picnic . When I first arrived Madeline was very pale and thin , but she is blossoming because we are outdoors so much . She has more colour in her cheeks and her legs are getting stronger . Mrs Hammell is very pleased . As a special treat I sometimes take them to the London Zoo . There are hummingbirds there and the sight of them makes me homesick . The girls get very excited when it comes to feeding time and they like to throw nuts at the monkeys . Sometimes we go to Regents Park but I avoid the bench I used to sit on , the one I was sitting on when I met Joanne . I try not to think too much about my previous life . It 's over , gone , I have a different life now . One day when I was rubbing Madeline 's legs I told Mrs H how in Jamaica we rub white rum on our joints to ease the pain and would she like me to do the same for Madeline . " Are you mad , Carmen ? What do you think people will say if my four year old daughter goes around smelling of rum " . I hadn 't thought of that . I mentioned to Mrs H I was thinking of sending Marie to a private boarding school and could she recommend one . " When you told me Marie would be starting school , I didn 't realise you meant a private one . " She was surprised by my enquiry and I 'm not sure if she believed me . So I told her my late husband left me some money for Marie 's education . But the truth is I 've saved enough for the first two terms , and hopefully I can save more from my wages . I don 't spend much here . Mrs H recommended a Catholic convent in Dartford , Kent which would be easy for me to get to from London . The way I see it what happened to me was not Marie 's fault and her education is important and she is entitled to have the best I can give her . That 's what Mammie did for us and even though Sydney helped out , Mammie took in lots of lodgers when we were young just so we could all go to Alpha Academy which was the best Catholic school in Kingston . And Marie is definitely not going to end up like me , working as a servant . So cold : This is what it must be like at the North Pole . It snows all the time and the temperature is freezing . Last night is was - 9 ° C and it said on the wireless that the sea froze at Margate . The Prime Minister says everyone must save fuel . Things must be bad because people are being sent home from work and told to go to bed to keep warm . The army is being used to clear roads blocked by snow and drop food from helicopters to farms and little villages in the countryside and some old people are dying because they cannot keep warm . Isn 't that terrible ? It was from Sydney saying he was coming to England on a business trip and would be staying at the Reynolds Hotel in London during the last week of March . He said he wanted to see me and isn 't leaving England until he has done . So I went to meet him on my day off yesterday . Sydney has lost weight and some hair , but , otherwise he 'd barely changed , but he said I had . I had bought a new outfit for the occasion because I wanted to look the best I could . I was wearing a new blue dress I 'd recently bought and a little hat to match and a grey coat belted at the waist . I thought I looked very nice . Sydney said I did . It was so good to hear about Mammie and the family . He told me Mammie was well , but worried about me and gave me all the news about the family . Cissie and Dyke had another two children ; Dolly had married her Syrian and I felt sad I hadn 't be at her wedding ; there were no changes in Pearl 's life ; Ruby had a boyfriend called Jack , whom Sydney and Mammie approved of . Ruby and Jack were very serious about each other and Sydney said he thought there might be another marriage in the family . How nice . Birdie was working at the Ward Theatre and it seemed as if she might go to America and stay with Vivie for a while . Vivie had got her divorce and married Freddie . I wondered how Mammie felt about that , I bet she was upset . Chickie and Maurice were well but poor Chickie still hadn 't heard a word from Victor Condell and Gwennie was still living with that terrible man , Keith Rousseau . And Boysie and Minah had another baby , a little girl . Once we 'd been through the family I waited for the questions to come my way . " Mammie is desperately worried about you Olga . We know you 're not at the hospital any more , what happened ? " I couldn 't tell Sydney about Marie , not because I was frightened of him , I wasn 't any more , but because I was so ashamed of what happened to me and I hadn 't the courage to face my family . I told him I 'd failed my first year 's exam and that 's why I left the hospital and because of the war I couldn 't go home . So I had to find some work and because I had some experience nursing I found a job as a children 's nursery nurse . I told him I had lots of friends and I was very happy with the job because it was well paid and I would never to be able to earn so much in Jamaica . I wanted to stay on here in London a bit longer . " Well , that 's fine because I 'm going to be here for at least another four months doing business around the country , so , when I 've finished , we can go home together " . Sydney had it all worked out . " This time " , he said , " I 'm keeping my promise to Mammie " . I gave him a false address and he gave me the date he would be back at the Reynolds Hotel . I told him I would ring him at the hotel when he returned there . It wasn 't that I don 't want to go home , of course I do . I want to be with my family and I want Mammie to see her beautiful little granddaughter , but I fear seeing Mammie 's disappointment in me , that would be too much to bear . I know they will ask questions which I don 't want to answer . The memory is too painful . Then Sydney asked about Joanne and if she was well . When I told him she 'd died , I swear there were tears in his eyes . He put his arm round me , but I had to shake it off and he looked hurt . I couldn 't help it , these days if anyone is kind to me , I cry . Sydney wanted to know why I hadn 't kept in touch with Aunt Martha . I told him I didn 't like her because she blasphemed a lot , was a drunk , a liar and a hypocrite . I must have said it with such venom , because Sydney looked so shocked . I told him how when I was staying with her , Mr Kitchen stayed overnight with Aunt Martha and that they were living together as man and wife . I told him she said mean things to me . " She makes a great pretence of being a Christian person when she 's in Jamaica going to Church but she doesn 't go near a Church here and then there 's Mr Kitchen " " What about Mr Kitchen " Sydney asked . And before I could stop myself I 'd blurted out Aunt Martha 's big secret . The Hunt Ball : The Hurts have a stud farm in Ireland and , now the war is over , they have decided to close Hendon Hall and move back to Ireland . Mrs Hurt said she would have liked me to come with them , but there are staff there already . I don 't mind really . But before they move to Ireland they want to hold a Hunt Ball , like they used to do before the war . Fortnum and Mason 's in Piccadilly are doing the catering for the Hunt Ball and Mrs Hurt has put me in charge of collecting the programmes which means I have to stand by the drawing room door and as the gentlemen came in they hand me their programmes . I had a peek at one and it 's just a list of all the dances with room to write down the name of the lady who the gentleman is going to have a particular dance with . Mrs Hurt 's daughter - in - law , Judith dressed me for the Ball in a long white dress with a wide gold sash around my waist and a gold and white turban on my head . When I saw myself in the mirror I thought I looked like Annie Harvey , the Obeah woman in Kingston , but Mrs Hurt and Mrs Attwood said I looked lovely . When the first huntsman arrived he gave me his programme . " I think you are in the wrong place " " This is the Hunt Ball isn 't it ? " " Yes , but you 're supposed to be in an evening suit " . " My dear girl , the huntsmen come to the Hunt Ball in their hunting jacket " he said . No one had told me that the huntsmen come in their red coats . Captain and Mrs Hurt were coming down the spiral staircase and she looked lovely in a lilac evening dress . " What 's the matter Carmen " . " I was just telling this gentleman that he was in the wrong place " . Mrs Hurt was very apologetic to the gentleman and said she should have explained to me that the huntsmen come in their uniform . I felt very foolish , but the gentleman and Mrs Hurt were very nice about it . Our last day : This morning Captain Hurt gave Marie a present beautifully wrapped and tied with a pink ribbon . The present was so big I had to help her open it and out came a whopping big doll . She was the most beautiful doll I 've ever seen and she was as big as Marie . Marie was speechless , but beaming . " Susie " , she finally said , hugging the doll tight . It was a wonderful present from the Hurts and made my little girl very happy . Mrs Hurt had no idea I had already seen Sydney , nor did she know I had an Aunt in London . I had never discussed anything about my family with the Hurts . " I don 't think you realise how hard life could become for you both . There are many people , including the authorities , who consider an unmarried mother unfit to bring up a child and may even try and take her from you " . I was deeply touched by her concern for us and wanted to hug her , like I would Mammie , but I was a servant and that wouldn 't have been acceptable , so I just said " I will think about it " . I hope Mrs Hurt is wrong . I think my guardian angel has returned to watch over me and Marie . We have been lucky so far ; we have met nice people like the Sister Pateman and Sister Warner at the nursery , the Hurts , even Matron and Miss Franks have been very , very , kind . < - Life as a Servant News from Home : I received a letter with a Christmas card in it today . It was such a surprise when Mrs Hurt handed it to me . It had been on a long journey . Matron , at St Giles , had forwarded it to the Refuge . Miss Franks had forwarded it on to Sister Pateman , who thank goodness , had put it in a fresh envelope , with a little note to me saying she hoped Marie and I were well and please keep in touch with them . At first I was so excited when I opened the envelope and saw the letter was from Ruby and when I saw the censor and his black pen had been at work again . I cried , there was so little left for me to read . Thank goodness the censor had left the Christmas card alone . Every year Sydney sends his customers a Christmas card , but not usually one covered with snow . It seems an odd choice really because it never snows in Jamaica , but , anyway , I 'm going to keep it . Sydney has three shops now , business must be good . Everyone is well and sends their love . Darling Mammie told Sydney to tell me that she that she thinks of me all the time . Dolly is getting married to a Syrian gentleman , but the family are not happy about it . They 're all worried about me because I haven 't written to them for ages but what can I tell them , not the truth . My life has changed so much . I 'm not ashamed of having a little girl , but I wish the circumstances were different . I don 't want them to know about my life now . I couldn 't bear Mammie to see some of the work I have to do , cleaning out the dirty fireplaces every morning in the winter and cleaning silver . Captain and Mrs Hurt are kind to me and especially Marie , I like them , but I know my place , after all I 'm their servant . Mrs Hurt has an Irish housemaid , named Kathleen Ryan . She doesn 't like me and I don 't like her one little bit . I 'd been putting away some linen in the cupboard on the first floor landing and I was in a hurry so I came down the front stairs . Servants are supposed to use the back stairs and Kathleen saw me and told me off . I told her Mrs Hurt didn 't mind me using the front stairs now and again and she called me an " uppity nigger with airs and graces " . I was shocked I can tell you . " I 'm not a nigger , I 'm not black " . I told her straight . Judith heard what Kathleen had said and told her mother - in - law . Mrs Hurt was furious . Kathleen said she 'd never worked with niggers before . Mrs Hurt told Kathleen that if she wanted to continue to work for her , she was never to say that word again and if Kathleen didn 't want to work with me , " you can leave now " . Kathleen was crying and I was unhappy too . Mrs Attwood was very kind to me and made me a cup of tea and said " best thing that could happen would be for her to leave - good riddance to bad rubbish . I 've never liked the Irish " . Mrs Attwood and I got on well together right from the beginning , but I was surprised that Mrs Hurt stood up for me . " She likes you Carmen , she thinks you have courage and so do I " . Wasn 't that a nice thing to say ? Peace at last : The war in Europe had ended , finally . I was in the kitchen when the news came over the radio . Mr Churchill has ordered the next two days to be a national holiday . The village organised a big party and everyone was invited and Union Jack flags were hanging out of nearly every window and on every tree . Everyone from Hendon Hall went , all the staff and the Hurts and we all had a wonderful time . It was so nice to see everyone so happy , particularly Captain and Mrs Hurt , because their sons would be coming home . < - Colonel & Mrs Hurt Sydney comes to London - > Why I Wrote " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " In 1994 , my mother , Carmen Browne , was admitted to the Royal Sussex County Hospital , Brighton in the UK seriously ill . As she slowly recovered I realized that had she died so too would the chance of my finding out about her past , her family in Jamaica and , of particular importance to me , who my father was information she had consistently refused to share with me . So I decided to find out for myself . My first discovery was that my mother 's real name was Olga Browney , born and raised in Kingston , Jamaica and one of eleven children from a close - knit , coloured Catholic family . A kind , naïve and gentle girl , my mother arrived in London in 1939 and lived with a malevolent , alcoholic aunt , intending to stay for only six months . However , world events , personal tragedy and malicious intent all combined to prevent her from returning home to Kingston . " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " is based on a true story about cruelty , revenge and jealousy inflicted on an innocent young woman and about moral courage , dignity , resilience and , in particular , love . It is the story of a remarkable woman , who because of circumstances , made a choice , which resulted in her losing contact with her beloved family in Jamaica , until nearly half a century later , when her past caught up her . What I discovered about my mother filled me with such admiration for her that I wanted her story recorded for future generations of my family to read so that they would know about this remarkable woman whose greatest gift to me was her unconditional love . That 's why I wrote " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " . Subscribe to Olga 's Daughter by Email |
Mallory was the Police Captain in charge of Precinct 16 . Detective First Class Rollie Chambers was the man the order was directed at . Rollie and Captain Mallory were close . Pete was Rollie 's boss but more importantly his friend and mentor . " But Captain , I can help , " Rollie objected . " I 've got descriptions of their attacker from two of the victims . You know they refused to talk to anyone until I interviewed them . I can help , " he repeated . " Sit down , " Mallory invited . It was more of an order than an invitation . He turned and drew two cups of coffee from the never empty urn on the table behind his desk and handed one to Detective Chambers . " You 're too close to it Rollie . " He held up his hand to stop Rollie 's protest . Mallory looked at Rollie with compassion . He knew his detective 's history with rape cases and understood why Rollie put his body and soul into each one that he worked . " The last three rape cases you 've worked on you 've gone overboard putting in 16 , 18 hours a day , " Mallory said . " You 're going to burn yourself out if you 're not careful and I can 't afford to lose one of my best detectives . " The Captain smiled and added , " Yes I said one of my best detectives ; but don 't let it go to your head . " A sad look came over Mallory 's face . " I know that you 're still hurting over Susan 's death but that was four years ago . You need to get over it and move on . " Rollie sat up straighter in his chair . Looking Mallory in the eye he said , " I 'll never get over it Pete . And I don 't intend for any other husband , boyfriend , or significant other to feel the way I do . " Rollie took a deep breath . " God damn it Pete , let me work this case . " Mallory stared at Rollie for several seconds . " Go work on that Grand Theft Auto case and let me think on it . I 'll let you know in a day or two . " " Okay , okay . I 'll think about it and let you know before the end of shift today , " Mallory said . " That 's the best you 're gonna get right now . Get back to work . " He went back to his desk in the middle of the huge squad room . Rollie pulled the file on the case in question and started going over the descriptions and statements of the victims . One of the young rape victims reminded him of his wife . Same long brown hair , same big brown eyes , and the same little button of a nose . Or what would have been a button nose ; it was broken and swollen in the picture . She had two black eyes and the discoloration made her look like a raccoon . But at least she was alive . Rollie Chambers met Susan Taylor when he stopped her to give her a speeding ticket . She 'd been driving her fire engine red Miata 55 MPH in a 25 zone . He quickly gave chase in his patrol car as she whizzed by him . After he pulled her over he purposely made her wait while he used his radio to run her plates and get his ticket book . Rollie slowly walked up to the passenger side of the convertible . A couple of motorcycle cops had been hit by passing cars recently while writing tickets . If I go down it 's not going to be because I was hit while doing a traffic stop , he thought . He had been assign to a patrol car just three months ago . Rollie had applied to the Police Academy the day he graduated from high school . Wanting to be a policeman was something he 'd dreamed about since he was twelve years old . Now , at 25 , he 'd been a " cop " for seven years . Rollie had taken the exam to become a detective last month . He hoped to take the next step in his police career in the near future . Every year the Police Department gave exams that would begin an officer 's climb in the ranks . Exams for Detective , Sergeant , Captain , and others were necessary for advancement . There were a limited number of slots open for each rank and passing an exam or even getting a very high score didn 't guaranty promotion . Each candidate was ranked by the test scores and personal interviews . Then their name was added to the promotion list . After that it was a matter of your name reaching the top spot on the list . Rollie took the test for detective more on a dare from his friend Pete Mallory than anything . He was happy being a patrolman . But Pete had made it sound like Rollie couldn 't pass the exam anyway so why bother . Rollie had aced the test and got the second highest score in that year . For her part Susan only saw an impediment that kept her from getting to her meeting . She watched in her side mirror as the patrolman slowly went about his business and began to walk toward her . " He 's a good looking guy , " she mumbled in spite of her wish to get going . About 6 ' 1with an athletic build . Bet his dark hair is wavy under his hat . As the office got closer she could see his piercing blue eyes . By the time he got to Susan waiting in her car , she was squirming in her seat . She was late for a meeting with her thesis counselor at college . " I 'm late for a meeting so maybe we could speed this up , " Susan said smiling at the young patrolman . " Should have left home earlier , " Rollie replied . " Then you wouldn 't have to do 55 in a 25 MPH zone . License and registration please . " Susan 's smile slipped away as she got her driver 's license from her purse and the registration from the center console . She handed Rollie the two items with somewhat of an angry gesture . Rollie clipped the license to the top of his ticket book and started writing , ignoring her anger . She 's 23 . Two years younger than me , he thought . Good looking too in a sort of girl next door way . Pretty long light brown hair and she got those big brown eyes that a guy could get lost in . Rollie keep glancing over at Susan as he wrote . Says on the license she 's 5 ' 9 and 120 pounds , he said to himself . Good , she can wear high heels when we go out . I like a woman to wear high heels . " Here you go Miss Taylor , " Rollie said handing back her documents . Holding the ticket book out to her he showed her where to sign . " This isn 't an admission of guilt ; it simply says you 'll appear on the court date if you decide to contest the charges . I gave you a break and listed your speed at 40 instead of 55 . That 'll save you about $ 50 . Don 't make me regret giving you a break . Slow down . " Rollie gave her a copy of the citation . " I 'm not allowed to call you or ask you out . Police ethics you know . But I put my card with my precinct phone number and cell number with your paperwork . There 's no rule against you calling me Miss Taylor . " Rollie smile at her , nodded , and walked back to his car . " You expect me to call you after you gave me a ticket , " Susan said loudly as he walked away . " Giving me a ticket isn 't very romantic you know . " Now she had a small smile on her face . " The ticket is the law . I didn 't have a choice . " Rollie grinned , " The romantic part is between you and me . Call me please . " He continued on to his car . Who knows maybe she 'll call , he thought as he watched her pull away at a much slower speed than previously . Rollie chuckled as he recognized her voice . " I didn 't cost you anything . You were the one speeding . In fact I saved you money . The fine could have been $ 100 plus costs . " " Well as a policeman I did promise to protect and serve . I guess a drink and or dinner could be thought of as serving . " He waited until she stopped laughing . " Should I come by for you or do you want to meet somewhere ? " " On Butler , " Rollie interrupted . " I know . Remember I read your driver 's license . See you at 7 . " He hung up hearing her laugh again as he did . That evening was the start of a fast paced romance . Rollie and Susan , Susan and Rollie ; if you saw one the other was close by . They spent an evening camping out by the old quarry . Around their campfire they talked about their thoughts , beliefs , and dreams . Around 2 AM they went skinny dipping and spent the rest of the night in each other 's arms . After several dates and a few sleepovers they talked about more important things than what kind of music they like , do you prefer cake or pie , and what 's your favorite movies . During their talks on the phone and when they were together they found that they shared many of the same beliefs , ideas , and goals . Susan agreed with Rollie assertion that you were responsible for your actions and their repercussions . Neither thought that an unhappy childhood didn 't give you the right to be a bad person or do bad things . They also agreed that family should be the most important thing in your life . Susan wanted at least three children and wasn 't opposed to more . Rollie wanted to be a father ; the number of kids didn 't matter to him . One or two or ten , it 's all the same he told her . For the next ten months Susan and Rollie were as happy as two young working adults could be . Rollie 's schedule was very flexible and changed every three weeks or so . Because of his schedule and Susan working on an advanced college degree they made the most of their time together . Their friends laughed at how close the two newlyweds were . One of Rollie 's fellow cops kept inviting him to play poker one a week . About the fourth time Rollie thanked him but turned down the invitation , he asked Rollie why he didn 't want to socialize with his work mates . " It 's not that I don 't want to have some fun with you guys , " Rollie answered . " I like you guys very much but I 'd rather spend the time with Susan . Our schedules are so screwed up we take every chance we can to be together . " Thomas was a small man . More than one person said that with his small beady eyes , his wild mop of blond streaked dark hair , and his skinny build he looked like a ferret or a weasel . Whatever his size , whatever he looked like , he destroyed Susan and Rollie 's happy life . He attacked and raped Susan one night as she left a late class . Susan said later that she felt an arm go around her neck as she bent over to put her key in the door of her Miata . Some kind of cloth with a strange smell was pressed over her nose and mouth . She told the investigators that she passed out shortly afterward . Susan had been found just off the parking lot in a row of decorative pine trees by another student . By the time she woke up she was in the ER . After treating her injuries , a rape kit was used to collect DNA evidence . Susan had several bruises on her thighs , a broken eye socket , a broken nose , and both her lips were split . The doctor nodded his head . " Physically she 'll be fine . The eye socket will heal without surgery and we 've set her nose so that 'll soon be okay . The rest are just cuts , contusions , and bruises . " He stopped and looked at the wild look in Susan 's eyes . " I don 't know about her mental state ; this is a hell of a shock to her . I think she should get into therapy or a support group as quickly as possible . " Rollie 's patrol cruiser made a power slid up to the door of the ER . He was out of the car before it stopped moving and headed inside to find his wife . He 'd heard the radio call giving the description of an assault and rape victim and then asking for an ambulance . " Your wife will be okay Officer Chambers , " the doctor said . He went on to detail Susan 's injuries . " She 'll be sore for several days and the bruising will be extensive but Mrs . Chambers will make a full recovery . " " Thank god , " Rollie replied . His knees got weak and he had to sit down in a nearby chair . Taking a deep breath to steady himself he stood up . " Thank you Doctor , thank you very much . Can I see my wife now ? " " I 'll have the nurse take you to her . " He motioned for one of the ER nurse 's . " One suggestion Mr . Chambers , get your wife into a support group or to a therapist as soon as she leaves the hospital . Rape is very traumatic for most women and they usually need professional help to get through it . " The doctor put his hand on Rollie 's shoulder . " I 'll have the nurse take you to see your wife now . Call me if I can help in any way . " As he turned away the doctor muttered to himself . " What kind of animal could do this to a woman ? If the police catch this psychopath I hope they lock him away for the rest of his life . " Rollie was able to take Susan home the next day . He spent the first two days with her taking personal time from the force . Susan seemed to get better so he went back to work . Rollie arranged with Captain Mallory to work the day shift for the next month . He wanted to be home with Susan during the night . Susan at first resisted seeing a therapist but finally agreed to meet with one . She met with Jessica Talbert twice a week for a month and talked to her on the phone almost every day . The bruises faded and the swelling around her eyes went away . The therapy seemed to help and slowly Susan became more like her old self . She was still a little high strung and nervous but she was getting better . In the mean time a city wide man hunt had been going on . The police knew that Bradley Thomas was Susan 's attacker . Thomas had been implicated in another rape and attack four months earlier . He 'd had an iron clad alibi but his DNA was now on file with the police department . He left his DNA behind in Susan as evidence . Rollie looked forward to being able to make love to his wife but he didn 't want to push her . Susan began to snuggle up to Rollie when they went to bed . At first she would just put her foot on his leg or lay her hand on his shoulder . One night she asked Rollie to just hold her . The Chambers ' life was getting back to normal . Susan was smiling and joking with Rollie more often and the haunted look in her eyes had disappeared . They still hadn 't made love but were looking forward to it . Susan had gone for a three month follow up visit . During the visit she told the doctor that she felt like she was coming down with the flu . " We 'll take some blood and run some tests , " the doctor said . " Probably just a virus but we 'll check it out . You can come back next week for the results . " The results of the blood test were devastating . It took Susan close to thirty minutes to make the fifteen minute drive home from her doctor 's office . Her mind was spinning and she had trouble concentrating . Several times people honked at her because she just sat at an intersection after the traffic light had changed . Susan pulled into her parking space at her and Rollie 's condo . She entered her home leaving the front door wide open and went into her kitchen . Susan sort of folded onto a kitchen chair and stared at the wall for several minutes . Finally Susan stood and went into the small guest bedroom that they used as an office and study area for her . She tore a sheet of paper out of a notebook and wrote a short note . Susan put the note in an envelope , took it into the master bedroom , and propped it up on the night stand on Rollie 's side of the bed . Then she walked into the bathroom . Opening the medicine cabinet Susan took out the bottle of Oxycontin pills the doctor had prescribe for pain after the attack on her . There had been 15 pills in the prescription but Susan had only taken two ; she didn 't like the way they made her feel . Susan got a glass of water , lay down on the bed and took the 13 remaining pills . Tears were running down her cheeks as she dropped the prescription bottle on the bed next to her . Rollie check the small living area , kitchen and went down the short hall to their bedroom . He saw Susan and knew she was dead . Slowly he walked over to the bed and sat down next to her . Rollie picked up the bottle and read the prescription . He held Susan 's hand and cried . " Why baby ? " Rollie asked choking on his tears . " You were getting better ; we were getting better . " Then he saw the envelope on his night stand . He walked around the bed , opened the envelope , and read the note . Jessica has been a big help and I 've been slowly getting better . My mind felt clearer and I wasn 't in such a fog anymore . I was looking forward to making love with you again and holding you as you held me for so many nights . You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I often thank God that I was speeding that day . Maybe I was speeding toward my one true love . I guess so because that is what you are ; my one true love . When I went for my three month follow up I wasn 't felling very well . My doctor said he thought I had a mild case of the flu and took my blood to test . He called me today and asked that I come in to discuss the results of the test . I thought it was strange that he couldn 't tell me over the phone . When I got the results I understood why he wanted to see me in person . There is no easy way to say this . That animal , that fiend Thomas that raped me gave me HIV . It wasn 't bad enough that he almost took my sanity but now he has taken my life . My doctor told me that testing positive for HIV doesn 't mean it will develop into full bloom AIDS but I can 't take the chance . A life time of worrying about a mistake or an accident when we make love isn 't something I can live with . What if you became infected too because you showed me how much you love me ? I couldn 't live with that . I want you to mourn me , mourn us , for a while and then get on with your life . You are too fine a man to be alone . Someone else needs the love and caring that you can provide . Mallory told his wife , Mary , what had happened and she joined him to go take care of Rollie . While driving Mrs . Mallory made several calls . Arrangements had to be made and she took over . Pete listened to the calls . When she finished he reached over and took her hand , brought it to his lips , and kissed it . " Hey Rollie , are you reading that file or trying to memorize it ? " Frank Wends asked . He was also a Detective working out of Precinct 16 . " You been staring at it for better than 30 minutes . " " Not trying to memorize it Frank , just trying to get a feel for the perp from the incident reports . " Rollie grinned at Frank . " It 's called being a detective . Course you wouldn 't know anything about that , " Rollie teased . " Well it don 't take me 30 minutes to read an incident report , " Frank defended himself . " Bunch of us are stopping at Riley 's for a couple of beers . Come join us . I 'll even buy the first round . " " Thanks , but I need to get home . Couple of projects I need to finish . See you tomorrow Frank . Don 't drink too much now ; your wife will have your hide if you go home blitzed . " Susan Chambers was buried three days after her death . As the grave side service began , Rollie put a picture of he and Susan sitting at a campfire on top of her coffin . Rollie had used a tripod and the time delay feature of the camera to get in the frame with his wife . It had been on one of their camping dates at the old quarry . Pete Mallory stood next to Rollie during the service . Most the Precinct is here , Pete thought . If you ever planned to break the law in Precinct 16 , now would be the time to do so . He looked at Rollie and was surprised that the young husband wasn 't crying . His eyes were dry and Pete didn 't see sadness in them . What he saw was rage . After the service Rollie thanked everyone and turned to Pete . " I 'm gonna take compassionate leave for a couple of weeks , " Rollie said . " I need some time to myself . " When Rollie got home he lay down on his bed and took a nap . He woke at 10 PM , ate a sandwich , and got dressed . He put on some old jeans and a sweat shirt . The weather had turned a little chilly so the bulky sweatshirt didn 't look out of place and it hid his service weapon on his hip ; a 9MM Berretta 92 . Rollie got into his 10 year old beat up pickup and left his condo . There was a section of his city that Rollie only saw while on duty . The area once known as the De Baliviere Strip was home to upscale restaurants , night clubs , gentlemen 's clubs and even a speak easy during the 1920 's . Now it was a rundown area with several flea bag hotels , sleazy bars , and flop houses . There were also several abandoned buildings ; old row houses that no one had lived in for years , closed warehouses , and empty store fronts . It was an area that the police patrols were always two officers . For the next week , every night , Rollie would frequent the bars , flop houses , and hotels . He was searching for anyone that could help him find Bradley Thomas . He knew that his fellow detectives , the uniformed patrol officers , and just about every cop in the 16th had looked for Thomas with no success . Rollie 's plan was to do things a little differently . The police have rules that must be followed during investigations . They could try to get individuals to give them information by using persuasion , bribery , or helping a person out of an existing problem ; but there was a line that they couldn 't cross . Rollie didn 't plan to follow those rules and there wasn 't a line he wouldn 't cross to find Thomas . Rollie asked around and found a guy that at least knew the name Bradley Thomas . After some persuasion , consisting of Rollie putting the barrel of his pistol in the informant 's ear and cocking the weapon , he gave up his information . He said there was a man called Denny that hung out in a certain bar . He bragged and talked about being friends with Thomas and saw him every couple of days or so . Rollie let the hammer of his weapon down and put it away . The eighth evening of his search he heard Denny talk about meeting a friend later to get high . Denny said Brad had given him the money to score Crystal Meth for the two of them . He said that Brad was on the down low because the cops were looking for him . " Rollie paid closer attention when he heard " Central College " . That was the school that Susan had gone to . He waited patiently and followed Denny when he left the bar . Rollie tailed the man to a rundown hotel . He watched Denny walk past the desk , down a long dark hallway to a room in the back . Denny knocked on the door and entered the room . Rollie waited for two or three minutes and kicked in the door . Denny and Bradley Thomas were heating the Crystal Meth in a spoon so they could shoot up . Rollie 's abrupt entrance caused them to drop the spoon and the drugs . " You , Denny . Get the hell out of here , " Rollie ordered as he pulled his weapon . " Don 't look back , don 't come back . " " Who are you and what do we have to talk about ? " Thomas asked . Now he was shaking ; both from fear and from the beginning of withdrawal symptoms . He needed a fix . Bradley 's eyes got big and he started to sweat . " I ain 't sayin nothin without a lawyer , " Thomas vowed . " I know my rights ; you gotta give me a lawyer . I ain 't talkin until I got a lawyer . " " You ass . Do you think I care about your rights after what you did to my wife ? " Rollie motioned for Thomas to sit back down . " Did you know you 're HIV positive you piece of crap ? You infected my wife and when she found out she killed herself . " Thomas went white when Rollie said that . He knew that he would be lucky to get out of that room alive . There was a large steak knife on the table in front of him that he and Denny had been using to divide the packet of Chrystal Meth . When Rollie turned his head , Thomas grabbed the knife and started toward Rollie . " I hoped you 'd do something like that , " Rollie said as he turned back toward Thomas . He let Thomas take two or three steps and shot him . Rollie kept pulling the trigger until the slide locked open after all sixteen rounds in the Berretta had been fired . " You won 't rape any other woman , " Rollie said . He used his cell phone to call 911 . " This is Detective Chambers . I 'm at the Conrad Hotel on 7th Street , room 135 . Send a patrol car and an ambulance . There 's been an officer involved shooting and a fatality so you better get a shooting team over here too . I 'll be waiting in the lobby . " Rollie had to turn over his Berretta to the Inspector from the shooting team . The gun would be fired in the lab to match the bullet with the ones found in the shooting victim . It was normal operating procedure . Rollie was also told to report to the Internal Affairs Department the next morning . As he walked into IAD , Peter Mallory met Rollie . " Don 't get in front of this Pete , " Rollie warned . " This could turn out bad and I don 't want you to get involved . " " Please stay out of this . If IAD really wants me there 's nothing you can do but get them down on you too . " Rollie put his hand on his friend 's shoulder . " It doesn 't matter much what happens to me . Thomas won 't rape and infect any more women and now I can sleep at night . " " I have to inform you that we 'll be taping your this meeting . " Rollie nodded his understanding . " Tell us what happened . " Adams held up a folder . " I 've read your report but I 'd like to hear your statement . Reports are usually so dry and officious . " Adams smiled to show he was a good guy . " Like I wrote in the report , I got a tip from an informant that this Denny character had talked about knowing where Thomas was . I spotted him in a bar and followed him to the Conrad . " Rollie pointed at his report . " Denny went to room 135 and knocked . While he was waiting I saw he had a large zip lock bag a third full of a white substance . He was a known Meth user . That gave me probable cause to enter the room . " Rollie shook his head and continued . " When I forced the door , I saw Denny and Bradley Thomas and identified myself as a police officer . Both men started moving . My attention was on Thomas as he had a warrant outstanding . I guess I lost track of Denny and he ran passed me and escaped . Maybe I will have some coffee if you don 't mind . " He really didn 't want coffee but he thought it would piss off Adams . He was right . Adams couldn 't hide his displeasure at the interruption but he got the coffee for Rollie . He nodded for Rollie to continue . " Where was I ? Oh yeah . Denny ran out the door . Thomas picked up a large knife from the table and came at me . I warned him to stop but he kept coming . I was forced to shoot him . Then I call Emergency Services . You guys showed up and took my weapon and here I am . " Adams turned off the tape recorder and leaned back in his chair . " Just between us Rollie , was it really necessary to shoot Thomas ? I mean the guy didn 't weight 150 pounds . " " My intention was to arrest him , " Rollie answered . " But he attacked me with a lethal weapon . I had no choice . " Rollie 's justification of his actions was straight out of how to write a police report . " Thomas was a Crystal Meth addict . You know as well as I do that most of them don 't feel pain and are extremely strong . I hit Thomas twice and he kept coming . So I kept shooting until he went down . I didn 't count my shots . " Adams nodded . " That 's bullshit and you know it Rollie . But this interview is over . I 'm clearing you and you can go back to work . But between you and me , I know you executed Thomas . " Adams paused for several seconds . " If it had been my wife , I would have done the same thing . " Rollie nodded and stood to leave . As he got to the door Adams said , " You need to see a therapist or get some counseling Rollie . What happened to your wife would drive most men crazy . That 's not official , just my suggestion . Good luck Detective Chambers . Adams was a pretty good guy , Rollie thought still at his desk leafing through the report on the two rape victims . He could have made it a lot tougher on me . Course Pete was the one that came down hard on me . I can remember how mad he was at me when I came back to work . " Yes sir Captain Mallory . " Rollie sat down and looked at his friend . I 've never seen him so mad , Rollie thought . His face is red and you can see that vein in his forehead throbbing . If he 's not careful he 'll have a stroke . Mallory sat on the edge of his desk in front of Rollie . " Just what the hell were you thinking ? Charging into that room like John Wayne . You should have waited for back up . " Rollie started to respond and Mallory held up his hand . " Don 't give me any of that fairy tale that you wrote in your report . You could 've been killed . " Mallory took a deep breath and calmed down . " Rollie I know you 're still hurting . But there are other people that care about you . I don 't know why but I 'm one of them . " " All I could think of was finding Thomas after the way Susan died . " Rollie looked out the window for several seconds . " I guess I became a little obsessed . " " Okay , let 's put that to rest now , " Pete said . " But I 'm going to order you to do something you won 't like , " he said with a grin . " You will attend counseling or see a therapist . You can come back to work but you will get some help or I 'll suspend you . " " No argument Rollie . I 'm serious . You will see a Police Department approved therapist . Any questions ? " Pete continued before Rollie could answer . " Good . That 's all , get back to work . " Pete motioned Rollie out of his office . " But I want to know who you 're going to see by the middle of next week . That gives you ten days . " Three days later Rollie still hadn 't looked for a therapist . It wasn 't that he meant to disobey his Captains orders but he was in the middle of a GTA crime ring . Someone was systematically stealing very expensive cars . Rollie and Detective Frank Wends had a theory that it was one group . Frank and Rollie had agreed that the cars were being stolen , taken to a chop shop , and dismantled for the parts . On his way home after his shift , Rollie heard a radio call about a stolen car on his scanner . The car was in a high speed chase with a police cruiser . The stolen car , a new Camaro , had too much speed and horsepower for the patrol cars to keep up . They 're on Dillard , Rollie thought . That 's two blocks in front of me . Dillard 's a narrow two lane street with cars parked along the curbs on each side . Maybe I can get there and block the street . At least long enough for the patrol cars to catch up . He gunned his old truck and it shot forward . His truck looked like a beater but underneath the beat up body was the heart of a race car . The old truck had a powerful V8 engine that had been modified to extract the last ounce of horsepower . Its transmission was something you normally found in NASCAR . The Camaro skidded to a halt only 20 feet from Rollie . The driver jumped out with a pistol in his hand and ran at Rollie firing his weapon . Rollie returned fire , hitting the man with his first three shots . The thief kept firing and kept coming at the man blocking his way . Rollie fired ten times before the man fell to the ground . It was 8 AM when Rollie was called into Inspector Adams ' office . " We 've got to stop meeting like this , " Adams said . " People are starting to talk . " He laughed at the shocked look on Rollie 's face . " It 's okay Rollie . This is just red tape . I have the shooting teams report , your report , and the reports from the patrol officers that were chasing the car . It was a justified shoot . You probably saved some citizen from being in the way and getting hurt . " Looking down at a report Adams added , " It 's no wonder that perp didn 't stop when you shot him . He was so high on Crystal Meth that he could 've flown without a plane . " Adams motioned to a chair and Rollie sat down . " You have anything to add to your report ? " Rollie shook his head . " Okay consider this interview over . You 're cleared to go back to work . " Rollie nodded and stood to leave . " Can I make a suggestion before you go ? " Adams asked . Not waiting for Rollie 's permission he said , " Get a different weapon . That issue 9MM just doesn 't get the job done when you 're up against crack heads , Crystal users , and some of the other garbage out there . " " As much as I 've seen you lately I think you can call me Steve , " he said with a smile . And you do have to carry a police issued weapon if you 're a patrolman . But as a Detective you can carry almost anything you can qualify with . " Steve saw the confusion on Rollie 's face . " Damn administrative types , " Steve said . " They give a youngster a Detectives badge and tell him to go out and solve cases but they don 't give him a full orientation on his duties . They leave that up to the precinct Captains . They also don 't advise you of your rights as a detective ; one of which is to carry a weapon of your choice . " Adams reached into his desk drawer and pulled out his weapon . " This is what I carry . It 's a Colt 1911 . 45 and when you hit a man with it they go down and stay down . None of that crap like what happened with that car thief . " He pulled the magazine and ejected the shell from the camber and handed the Colt to Rollie . After a minute or so Adams took his weapon back , opened the slide , and slid a cartridge into the chamber . Then he replaced the mag . " Let 's go down to the range in the basement and you can try it out . " " I shoot better blind folded than you do with your eyes open , " Steve replied returning the Sergeant 's grin . Turning to Rollie he said , " This Sergeant Jacob Tully . Former Master Gunnery Sergeant in the United States Marines . He retired from the Corp about four years ago . Tully this is Rollie Chambers . " " You 're the guy that stopped that psycho car thief . " Tully shook hands and added , " I read the report . You fired ten rounds and the only ones that didn 't hit the perp were two that hit the door as he got out of the car firing at you . Good shooting . " Rollie looked at Tully as they shook hands . The Sergeant was the stereotypical retired Gunnery Sergeant . Tully was about 6 ' 3 with a barrel chest , a very erect posture and big arms and hands . His hair was salt and pepper ; cut so short that his scalp showed through . Tully was a poster boy for former Marines ; except for one detail . His right leg was missing below the knee . Tully bent over to pick up a piece of paper on the floor and his pant leg rose showing his prosthetic leg . The Sergeant saw Rollie glance at his leg and grinned . Rollie tried not to stare but Tully was used to people looking at the metal and plastic device that replaced his lower leg . " Works damn near as good as the real one and it don 't itch none , " Tully said with a grin . Embarrassed Rollie apologized for staring . Tully waved off the apology . " You 'd have to be dead or dumb not to be interested in something new to you . Don 't worry about it Detective . " " Yeah , I was big for my age and told them I was 18 , " Tully answered with a grin . " I also had a fake birth certificate and driver 's license . Couldn 't see the sense in waiting around for two more years . Joining the Marines was what I 'd wanted to do since I 'd been twelve . I wasn 't much of a student , not motivated you see , so as soon as I could get the phony papers I joined up . " " I 'm the one telling this story , " Steve said with a laugh . " Anyway just to keep his hand in , Tully joined the National Guard shortly after completing his probationary period with the department . His unit was activated about ten months later and he went over to the sand box ; that 's where he lost his leg . " " My body had an adverse reaction to an exploding IED , " Tully offered . " You know an Individual Explosive Device . Some gomer dropped one off a roof right on top of my squad . " The Sergeant stopped for a few seconds staring off into space . " Lost two men and my leg that day . " Tully smiled grimly and added , " The gomer lost his life : I put a round into his head when he peeked over the edge of the roof to see how his bomb had worked . " Turning to Rollie Steve said , " There 's a federal law that says a company has to give a person his job back . The offer of a pension got the department off the hook as far as that went . But there are a few former Marines in positions of power in the department , our commissioner for one , and they saw to it that Tully was reinstated . Steve and Tully laughed as they remembered the uproar . " Rather than manning a desk in some precinct or administrative duties Tully asked to be put in charge of the shooting range . That 's where this broken down old Gunny Sergeant has been ever since . " Tully made a noise like he was clearing his throat , embarrassed by the emotions that the young detective brought out . " Numb Nuts here didn 't mention that I teach tactical shotgun methods and do some sniper training for SWAT now and then . " He smiled and then laughed . " I 'm not just a pretty face you know . " " Back to business Gunny . I 've been telling Rollie that if he carried a heavier weapon he wouldn 't have to worry about Meth heads continuing to come at him after the first couple of rounds , " Steve said . " Thought I 'd let him try my 1911 on for size . " Tully provide shooting glasses and special hearing protectors called ' cans ' . " These headphones are electronically activated , " he explained . " You can hear someone when they talk but the loud report of a weapon firing is shut out . " " Yeah it does , " Tully replied . " Some people just have to be old school , " he said pointing his thumb at Adams with a smile . " Now me , I carry a . 45 also , " he said pulling his sidearm . He dropped the magazine , ejected the round from the chamber and handed it to Rollie . " This is a Glock 21C . Most of the recoil and blowback is vented out of these ports on the top of the slide . You can hold on target for your second shot a lot easier . " Rollie hefted the Glock . He looked at Tully and at his nod replaced the magazine and worked the action being careful to keep the weapon pointed down range . Rollie fired six shots at the paper target hanging ten yards away . " I guess they 're following military guide lines , " Tully replied . " The 9 has less recoil so supposedly an officer can get back on target easier . It fires a smaller bullet but at a higher muzzle velocity so it 's supposed to be as effective . Not necessarily true but that 's what they say . " " That 's not the only reason , " Steve said . " The force issues you a weapon with 50 rounds a month , right ? The 9MM is cheaper as is the ammo than a . 40 ca . or a . 45 , comparatively speaking . So it cost the department less to provide a weapon and ammo that if you carried almost any other weapon . " " First Magnum 's are not police department approved . They will do the same thing as a . 45 but they 're even harder to hold on target . Talk about recoil . " Tully laughed and shook his head . " I saw a young Detective shoot a . 44 Magnum , you know like Dirt Harry used . " Rollie and Steve nodded that they knew the movie . " The kid thought it would be cool to carry a . 44 but didn 't know much about that type of weapon . The recoil threw it up and into his face . Had to get three stitches over his eye where the barrel hit him . " Tully doubled over laughing . " Funniest thing I ever saw . " " Remember their weapons ? Phasers they called them . They had two settings ; kill and stun . " Tully pointed at Rollie 's 9MM . " Your 9 is a . 45 on stun . You might bring em down but they could get up again . " He paused and looked Rollie in the eye . " Steve 's right kid ; with the people you 've been running into you need to carry a . 45 , " Tully advised . " Okay , I 'm done preaching . Who 's buying lunch ? " And that 's how I came to carry this , he said to himself as he patted the Glock on his hip . So far I haven 't had to use it ; thank God . He looked up from the files he was studying and saw Captain Mallory staring at him . Oh hell I 've got to get going on this therapist bull , he thought . Pete looks like he meant what he said . " A Captain Mallory called me yesterday . He said he was your friend as well as your boss and that you 'd been ordered to see a therapist . The Captain asked that I be that therapist ; considering my experience with Susan and indirectly you too . " " Rollie , I 'm sorry , I mean Detective Chambers he told me to tell you that if you didn 't come to see me he would make an appointment with the first name on the departments approved list . " Jessica paused and said , " Let me help you . If nothing else you 'll get Captain Mallory off your back . " " I remember where your office is . See you at three , " Rollie said and hung up . He got up and went to Pete Mallory 's office . " Got my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow at three , " Rollie told him . " It 's Doctor Talbert . She said you asked her to call me . Why ? " " Yeah , I did ask her to call , " Mallory answered . " The why is because you weren 't going to do what I told you to do . At least not until you forced me to suspend you . Now I don 't have to suspend you . " The first meeting between Rollie and Doctor Talbert was not very productive , at least in Rollie 's mind . He 'd walked into the reception area at 2 : 45 and was told to take a seat by the receptionist . It almost 3 : 15 before Doctor Talbert opened her door and invited him into her office . Rollie had met Jessica Talbert once before while Susan was seeing her . He 'd offered to come to one or all of the sessions if it would help his wife . Doctor Talbert turned down his offer and requested that he not question Susan about their talks . He agreed and never asked or talked about it unless Susan brought it up . True or not , he always felt that if he 'd been in on some of the sessions Susan might not have committed suicide . Because of that feeling his attitude wasn 't the best as far as the doctor was concerned . Her response was not what Rollie expected . " Look Dr . Talbert , I don 't know why I 'm here . I 'm fine ; just overworked like the rest of the Detective squad . I want to be honest with you . The only reason I 'm here is because Pete , Captain Mallory , ordered me to see a therapist . " " What happened to calling me Jessica ? " She asked and then continued before he could answer . " I know you are here under duress but you are here so let 's make good use of the time . " Jessica gave Rollie a bigger smile . " Captain Mallory , who sounds like he cares , is worried about you . After talking to him I believe he has some legitimate concerns . " Jessica interrupted Rollie before he could speak . " As exampled by your dealing with Bradley Thomas . " " Two shots didn 't stop him so I kept shooting until he did stop . End of story , " Rollie said defending his actions . " If he 'd let me arrest him he would still be alive . " " It wasn 't so much that you shot Thomas that bothers Mallory , it 's the way you took leave and then hunted him down . " Jessica consulted a legal pad that held some notes she 'd made while talking to Captain Mallory . " He said that the whole department had searched for Thomas for three months and couldn 't find him . But during a two week compassionate leave you tracked him down . Mallory said you must have gotten your information in a way that , well he said it wouldn 't have been allowed by the courts . " Rollie gave Jessica an evil grin . " Prove it Doctor . " He paused and said , " I 'm done talking about Thomas . If you 've got anything else then move on or I 'll leave . " The two stared at each other for about 10 seconds and Jessica finally dropped her eyes . She wasn 't giving in to Rollie but he was agitated and on the defensive . If she was going to help him , he had to feel that he 'd won this confrontation . " Growing up I was taught that if I was ever lost or ever in trouble to find a cop to help me , " Rollie said . " To me a policeman was a friend and someone that would help me . I wanted to make a difference in people 's lives not just make money . " The young Detective saw Jessica glance at the clock on the wall . He smiled at Jessica and stood up . " Our time for this session is up Doctor . When do you want to meet again ? " She laughed . " I would like to see you at least twice a week . Today 's Tuesday , could you come back Thursday at the same time ? I promise not to keep you waiting next time . " " Doctor Talbert told me not to talk about our sessions Captain Mallory . You 'll just have to wait for her report . If that 's all Captain , I 've got work to do . " At his next session , he lifted his coat to show that he was unarmed . Jessica laughed and asked him to sit down . The next hour was more generalities . There was nothing with a lot of depth and nothing very intense . Jessica was building a foundation so that Rollie would trust her . Rollie sighed . This woman is like a pit bull , he thought with a little admiration . When she gets her teeth into something she won 't let go . Jessica stood , walked around her desk , and sat in the chair next to Rollie 's . " Yes , I 'll have to give them my opinion . And as you say I can 't tell them why . " She leaned forward in her chair . " Rollie if , and I say if , you have problems I hope we can correct or solve them before it comes to that . Okay ? " Rollie looked at Jessica . I can understand why the guy that was in here before me didn 't want to leave , he thought . She 's a damn fine looking woman . Whoa where did that come from ? He asked silently . Jessica stood , walked over to a couch , and sat down . Motioning to Rollie to join her she said , " Let 's make this more like a talk instead of a doctor 's visit . Come get comfortable . " He watched her walk to the couch . I was right ; she is a good looking woman . Rollie 's trained detective 's eye and his trained girl watching eye cataloged her charms . She must be about 5 ' 9 and weighs 130 or so with an athletic build . She looks like a runner or a swimmer . Rollie knew from his scrutiny that she had long auburn hair and laser like blue eyes . Plus she 's got freckles ; he told himself surprised that he 'd missed that before . Rollie mentally shook himself as he joined her on the couch . Remember she 's not a friend , he thought . Not exactly an enemy but not a friend . . . yet . The thought that she could possibly be more than his doctor surprised him too . " Rollie , " Jessica said and stopped to see his reaction . He smiled and nodded . " Why after three months did you go on what could be called a search and destroy mission ? Was it because Susan died ? " " She didn 't die , " he responded heatedly . " Susan was killed by that piece of crap just as sure as if he 'd put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger . The son of a bitch deserved what he got . I just wish I could 've made him suffer the way Susan did . " Rollie hesitated and added softly , " The way I did . " Rollie 's mind went back over the three months after Susan was attacked . At first she didn 't want anyone to touch her , not even him . Progressing to the chaste kisses on the cheek and then on the lips when he went to work . Finally she let him , even wanted him to hold her at night . Many nights he held his wife in his arms as she whimpered in her sleep . He smiled to himself . Then she started getting better . Susan lost the haunted look and began to laugh and joke with him again . The kisses , while not overly passionate , became more like ones between a man and his wife , like ones between lovers . Rollie knew by Susan 's actions that she was ready for them to make love and very soon . Then she got the results of her blood test . Rollie hung his head and let the tears fall . He looked up unaware that he 'd voiced his thoughts . Must be beginning to trust her , he said to himself . To Jessica he said , " I 'll never be able to put it to rest . I 'll remember how she died , killing the hope I had , we had , for our life together . " Rollie stood , walked to the water cooler and got a cup of water . " You asked why after three months I went after Thomas . " Rollie repeated Jessica 's question from the first session . " Because that 's when Thomas finally killed her . He tried when he attacked her but it took three months for him to get the job done . That 's why I went after him . That 's why I did whatever I had to do to find him . And that 's why I went into that hotel room alone , without back up . " Rollie stopped for a few seconds getting control of himself . " You said this was privileged so I 'll tell you the truth . I went into that room praying Thomas would give me an excuse . But it didn 't make any difference , he wasn 't leaving , at least not alive . How do you like that for an eye for an eye scenario Jessica ? I planned on killing Thomas ; there was never a thought of taking him in . " " It 's like you said Rollie , the Department will have to prove it , " Jessica said and touched his arm . " But they 'll have to do it without my help . The Department pays my fees but my loyalty is to you . " Rollie explained his thinking and what happened right up until the shooting . " The idiot came out of the car shooting at the police officers . Then he turned and fired at me . " Rollie shook his head , not as sad or as intense as he 'd been talking about Thomas but not happy either . " My first two shots hit the door of the Camaro . The third shot hit him in the leg ; he didn 't even flinch . He just kept coming at me and shooting . It took seven more shots to put him down . " Rollie looked over at Jessica . " The guy was so high on Crystal Meth ; he didn 't even know that he 'd been shot . " Jessica got up and got herself a cup of water because she wanted Rollie to calm down a little . " Is that when you started carrying the Glock ? " She asked . Rollie looked surprised . " I know my weapons . My father wanted a son and what he got was me . He taught me to hunt , fish , and enjoy the outdoors . " Rollie and Jessica met twice a week for one month . Their meetings became less confrontational as Rollie started to trust Jessica . Rollie was at his desk on Tuesday morning , trying to think of an excuse to get out of that afternoon 's session with Jessica . He was working on a missing persons case . Rollie and the other detectives knew that if you didn 't find someone in the first 48 hours chances were you never would . Alive anyway . Someone sat down in the chair next to his desk . Rollie looked up from the file he was reading and was surprised at his visitor . Jessica Talbert sat there with a big smile on her face . Now what ? He questioned himself . His thoughts ran in circles . Maybe she 's going to tell Pete I should take some time off , maybe she 's going to tell him I shouldn 't be a cop anymore . No , she would have said something at our last session . Rollie entered the office and Jessica closed the door behind him . She nodded in greeting . " Captain Mallory , I 'm here to give you my conclusions and opinions concerning Detective Chambers . " Jessica turned to look at Rollie for a few seconds . " I think Detective Chambers is a dedicated police officer . He really cares about helping people and in his own words ' making a difference ' . Sometimes he can become obsessive in doing his duty but it 's only because he does care so deeply . " Rollie started to speak but Mallory said , " You just stand there young man . " He smiled and added , " This is between us grownups . " Turning back to Jessica he asked , " What happened with Thomas ? What did Rollie tell you ? " " What Detective Chambers told me is privileged information between a doctor and patient . " Mallory started to argue but she held up her hand to stop him . " I can 't and won 't tell you what was said in our sessions ; about the Thomas case or anything else . I will tell you that whatever demons were pressuring Rollie have been laid to rest . If , and I say if , he stepped over the line it 's something that won 't happen again . At least that 's my conclusion . " Jessica turned to look at Rollie again and then back to Mallory . " In the future Detective Chambers will probably work too many hours on any rape or assault cases against women . But that 's understandable . . . and commendable . " She handed a written report to Mallory . " In my professional opinion Rollie should be allowed to continue doing what he does best . Make a difference . " For the first time since entering Mallory 's office she smiled . " That 's my story and I 'm stickin to it , " she said . " I 'll send my bill to the Department . " She turned and left the office . " I still think you have a few issues that we could deal with . If you need to talk give me a call . " Jessica smiled again and said , " No charge for follow up visits Rollie . " Jessica put her hand on Rollie 's arm and smiled . " Rollie it 's normal for a patient to develop feelings for their doctor . I was able to help you confront your loss and anger when Susan died . Because of the emotional things we 've discussed and you 've come to feel a romantic attachment to me . But your feelings aren 't real ; they 're just a side effect of our relationship as doctor and patient . It would be unethical for me to have a social interaction with you . I 'm sorry but it wouldn 't be a good idea . " Rollie listened to Jessica 's dissertation quietly . When she finished he gave her a sad little smile . " You 're the doctor but you 're not as smart as you think . You 're right ; you did help me through a bunch of garbage that was clogging up my mind . You helped me find a way to live with Susan 's death and not lose myself in the process . And I thank you for your help . " He touched her hand on his arm . " But you 're wrong about me . I know what I feel and it isn 't gratitude . You may not admit it because you think it 's unethical but we made a connection . One that was more than just a doctor / patient relationship . Remember what I 've said ; you can bet one of these days I 'll make that follow up visit and it won 't be for counseling . " He leaned over and kissed her cheek surprising her . " See ya around Doc . " Rollie shook himself back to the present . Man , I was lost in a time long ago and far far away , he thought . It 's been six months since I 've seen Jessica and over a month since I 've talked to her . He picked up the phone . " Yes sir . How may I help you ? " Rollie answered . When a Major in the Department wanted a minute of your time , you made sure he got it . " We 're setting up a special task force to go after this rapist . Some think the same guy did all five of the attacks and some think it 's a group of two or three that are getting their kicks . Either way we 're putting our best on the task force . I 'd like you to join us . " " There are others with more experience than me sir , " Rollie replied . " Wouldn 't they be more useful ? Besides I 'd have to check with Captain Mallory before I would know if he can spare me . " " Mallory just left my office and it was him that suggested I add you to the force , " Major Taylor said . " He said you were the only one that got the latest victims to talk . Said you 're the one that got the description out of them . That true ? " " How 'd you do it Chambers ? We had officers , both male and female , talk to them and nothing . I personally had a female detective question them . She got nothing . How 'd you do it boy ? " " I didn 't question the victims sir , I just talked to them , " Rollie answered . " Everyone was going at it trying to get info so they could catch the guy . They felt sorry for the girls but their focus was the perp . I made the focus the girls . Reassured them that it wasn 't their fault , told them they 'd make it through to the other side . " Rollie took a deep breath . " I told them about my wife Susan and how she got past what happened to her . I did leave out the part about her death . Didn 't think it would help . " " Mallory was right . You got a feel for this . You 'll be point man on the investigation . That all right with you Rollie ? " The Major wasn 't sure the young officer would take the job and he waited for Rollie 's answer . " Who 'll be the commander sir ? " Rollie asked . There were a lot of good detectives in the Department but this task force would need a special commander . One who wasn 't married to doing things by the book and could think outside of the box . " Good . Pete 's on his way back to the 16th and he 'll fill you in on the other team members , " Major Taylor said . " Oh , I forgot to mention ; we 're gonna have a psychiatrist working primarily with you . Some one that can do a profile on the perps . You know give us ideas on the type who , what , how and most importantly why . It works for the FBI so I guess we can make use of the tactic too . " |
Mallory was the Police Captain in charge of Precinct 16 . Detective First Class Rollie Chambers was the man the order was directed at . Rollie and Captain Mallory were close . Pete was Rollie 's boss but more importantly his friend and mentor . " But Captain , I can help , " Rollie objected . " I 've got descriptions of their attacker from two of the victims . You know they refused to talk to anyone until I interviewed them . I can help , " he repeated . " Sit down , " Mallory invited . It was more of an order than an invitation . He turned and drew two cups of coffee from the never empty urn on the table behind his desk and handed one to Detective Chambers . " You 're too close to it Rollie . " He held up his hand to stop Rollie 's protest . Mallory looked at Rollie with compassion . He knew his detective 's history with rape cases and understood why Rollie put his body and soul into each one that he worked . " The last three rape cases you 've worked on you 've gone overboard putting in 16 , 18 hours a day , " Mallory said . " You 're going to burn yourself out if you 're not careful and I can 't afford to lose one of my best detectives . " The Captain smiled and added , " Yes I said one of my best detectives ; but don 't let it go to your head . " A sad look came over Mallory 's face . " I know that you 're still hurting over Susan 's death but that was four years ago . You need to get over it and move on . " Rollie sat up straighter in his chair . Looking Mallory in the eye he said , " I 'll never get over it Pete . And I don 't intend for any other husband , boyfriend , or significant other to feel the way I do . " Rollie took a deep breath . " God damn it Pete , let me work this case . " Mallory stared at Rollie for several seconds . " Go work on that Grand Theft Auto case and let me think on it . I 'll let you know in a day or two . " " Okay , okay . I 'll think about it and let you know before the end of shift today , " Mallory said . " That 's the best you 're gonna get right now . Get back to work . " He went back to his desk in the middle of the huge squad room . Rollie pulled the file on the case in question and started going over the descriptions and statements of the victims . One of the young rape victims reminded him of his wife . Same long brown hair , same big brown eyes , and the same little button of a nose . Or what would have been a button nose ; it was broken and swollen in the picture . She had two black eyes and the discoloration made her look like a raccoon . But at least she was alive . Rollie Chambers met Susan Taylor when he stopped her to give her a speeding ticket . She 'd been driving her fire engine red Miata 55 MPH in a 25 zone . He quickly gave chase in his patrol car as she whizzed by him . After he pulled her over he purposely made her wait while he used his radio to run her plates and get his ticket book . Rollie slowly walked up to the passenger side of the convertible . A couple of motorcycle cops had been hit by passing cars recently while writing tickets . If I go down it 's not going to be because I was hit while doing a traffic stop , he thought . He had been assign to a patrol car just three months ago . Rollie had applied to the Police Academy the day he graduated from high school . Wanting to be a policeman was something he 'd dreamed about since he was twelve years old . Now , at 25 , he 'd been a " cop " for seven years . Rollie had taken the exam to become a detective last month . He hoped to take the next step in his police career in the near future . Every year the Police Department gave exams that would begin an officer 's climb in the ranks . Exams for Detective , Sergeant , Captain , and others were necessary for advancement . There were a limited number of slots open for each rank and passing an exam or even getting a very high score didn 't guaranty promotion . Each candidate was ranked by the test scores and personal interviews . Then their name was added to the promotion list . After that it was a matter of your name reaching the top spot on the list . Rollie took the test for detective more on a dare from his friend Pete Mallory than anything . He was happy being a patrolman . But Pete had made it sound like Rollie couldn 't pass the exam anyway so why bother . Rollie had aced the test and got the second highest score in that year . For her part Susan only saw an impediment that kept her from getting to her meeting . She watched in her side mirror as the patrolman slowly went about his business and began to walk toward her . " He 's a good looking guy , " she mumbled in spite of her wish to get going . About 6 ' 1with an athletic build . Bet his dark hair is wavy under his hat . As the office got closer she could see his piercing blue eyes . By the time he got to Susan waiting in her car , she was squirming in her seat . She was late for a meeting with her thesis counselor at college . " I 'm late for a meeting so maybe we could speed this up , " Susan said smiling at the young patrolman . " Should have left home earlier , " Rollie replied . " Then you wouldn 't have to do 55 in a 25 MPH zone . License and registration please . " Susan 's smile slipped away as she got her driver 's license from her purse and the registration from the center console . She handed Rollie the two items with somewhat of an angry gesture . Rollie clipped the license to the top of his ticket book and started writing , ignoring her anger . She 's 23 . Two years younger than me , he thought . Good looking too in a sort of girl next door way . Pretty long light brown hair and she got those big brown eyes that a guy could get lost in . Rollie keep glancing over at Susan as he wrote . Says on the license she 's 5 ' 9 and 120 pounds , he said to himself . Good , she can wear high heels when we go out . I like a woman to wear high heels . " Here you go Miss Taylor , " Rollie said handing back her documents . Holding the ticket book out to her he showed her where to sign . " This isn 't an admission of guilt ; it simply says you 'll appear on the court date if you decide to contest the charges . I gave you a break and listed your speed at 40 instead of 55 . That 'll save you about $ 50 . Don 't make me regret giving you a break . Slow down . " Rollie gave her a copy of the citation . " I 'm not allowed to call you or ask you out . Police ethics you know . But I put my card with my precinct phone number and cell number with your paperwork . There 's no rule against you calling me Miss Taylor . " Rollie smile at her , nodded , and walked back to his car . " You expect me to call you after you gave me a ticket , " Susan said loudly as he walked away . " Giving me a ticket isn 't very romantic you know . " Now she had a small smile on her face . " The ticket is the law . I didn 't have a choice . " Rollie grinned , " The romantic part is between you and me . Call me please . " He continued on to his car . Who knows maybe she 'll call , he thought as he watched her pull away at a much slower speed than previously . Rollie chuckled as he recognized her voice . " I didn 't cost you anything . You were the one speeding . In fact I saved you money . The fine could have been $ 100 plus costs . " " Well as a policeman I did promise to protect and serve . I guess a drink and or dinner could be thought of as serving . " He waited until she stopped laughing . " Should I come by for you or do you want to meet somewhere ? " " On Butler , " Rollie interrupted . " I know . Remember I read your driver 's license . See you at 7 . " He hung up hearing her laugh again as he did . That evening was the start of a fast paced romance . Rollie and Susan , Susan and Rollie ; if you saw one the other was close by . They spent an evening camping out by the old quarry . Around their campfire they talked about their thoughts , beliefs , and dreams . Around 2 AM they went skinny dipping and spent the rest of the night in each other 's arms . After several dates and a few sleepovers they talked about more important things than what kind of music they like , do you prefer cake or pie , and what 's your favorite movies . During their talks on the phone and when they were together they found that they shared many of the same beliefs , ideas , and goals . Susan agreed with Rollie assertion that you were responsible for your actions and their repercussions . Neither thought that an unhappy childhood didn 't give you the right to be a bad person or do bad things . They also agreed that family should be the most important thing in your life . Susan wanted at least three children and wasn 't opposed to more . Rollie wanted to be a father ; the number of kids didn 't matter to him . One or two or ten , it 's all the same he told her . For the next ten months Susan and Rollie were as happy as two young working adults could be . Rollie 's schedule was very flexible and changed every three weeks or so . Because of his schedule and Susan working on an advanced college degree they made the most of their time together . Their friends laughed at how close the two newlyweds were . One of Rollie 's fellow cops kept inviting him to play poker one a week . About the fourth time Rollie thanked him but turned down the invitation , he asked Rollie why he didn 't want to socialize with his work mates . " It 's not that I don 't want to have some fun with you guys , " Rollie answered . " I like you guys very much but I 'd rather spend the time with Susan . Our schedules are so screwed up we take every chance we can to be together . " Thomas was a small man . More than one person said that with his small beady eyes , his wild mop of blond streaked dark hair , and his skinny build he looked like a ferret or a weasel . Whatever his size , whatever he looked like , he destroyed Susan and Rollie 's happy life . He attacked and raped Susan one night as she left a late class . Susan said later that she felt an arm go around her neck as she bent over to put her key in the door of her Miata . Some kind of cloth with a strange smell was pressed over her nose and mouth . She told the investigators that she passed out shortly afterward . Susan had been found just off the parking lot in a row of decorative pine trees by another student . By the time she woke up she was in the ER . After treating her injuries , a rape kit was used to collect DNA evidence . Susan had several bruises on her thighs , a broken eye socket , a broken nose , and both her lips were split . The doctor nodded his head . " Physically she 'll be fine . The eye socket will heal without surgery and we 've set her nose so that 'll soon be okay . The rest are just cuts , contusions , and bruises . " He stopped and looked at the wild look in Susan 's eyes . " I don 't know about her mental state ; this is a hell of a shock to her . I think she should get into therapy or a support group as quickly as possible . " Rollie 's patrol cruiser made a power slid up to the door of the ER . He was out of the car before it stopped moving and headed inside to find his wife . He 'd heard the radio call giving the description of an assault and rape victim and then asking for an ambulance . " Your wife will be okay Officer Chambers , " the doctor said . He went on to detail Susan 's injuries . " She 'll be sore for several days and the bruising will be extensive but Mrs . Chambers will make a full recovery . " " Thank god , " Rollie replied . His knees got weak and he had to sit down in a nearby chair . Taking a deep breath to steady himself he stood up . " Thank you Doctor , thank you very much . Can I see my wife now ? " " I 'll have the nurse take you to her . " He motioned for one of the ER nurse 's . " One suggestion Mr . Chambers , get your wife into a support group or to a therapist as soon as she leaves the hospital . Rape is very traumatic for most women and they usually need professional help to get through it . " The doctor put his hand on Rollie 's shoulder . " I 'll have the nurse take you to see your wife now . Call me if I can help in any way . " As he turned away the doctor muttered to himself . " What kind of animal could do this to a woman ? If the police catch this psychopath I hope they lock him away for the rest of his life . " Rollie was able to take Susan home the next day . He spent the first two days with her taking personal time from the force . Susan seemed to get better so he went back to work . Rollie arranged with Captain Mallory to work the day shift for the next month . He wanted to be home with Susan during the night . Susan at first resisted seeing a therapist but finally agreed to meet with one . She met with Jessica Talbert twice a week for a month and talked to her on the phone almost every day . The bruises faded and the swelling around her eyes went away . The therapy seemed to help and slowly Susan became more like her old self . She was still a little high strung and nervous but she was getting better . In the mean time a city wide man hunt had been going on . The police knew that Bradley Thomas was Susan 's attacker . Thomas had been implicated in another rape and attack four months earlier . He 'd had an iron clad alibi but his DNA was now on file with the police department . He left his DNA behind in Susan as evidence . Rollie looked forward to being able to make love to his wife but he didn 't want to push her . Susan began to snuggle up to Rollie when they went to bed . At first she would just put her foot on his leg or lay her hand on his shoulder . One night she asked Rollie to just hold her . The Chambers ' life was getting back to normal . Susan was smiling and joking with Rollie more often and the haunted look in her eyes had disappeared . They still hadn 't made love but were looking forward to it . Susan had gone for a three month follow up visit . During the visit she told the doctor that she felt like she was coming down with the flu . " We 'll take some blood and run some tests , " the doctor said . " Probably just a virus but we 'll check it out . You can come back next week for the results . " The results of the blood test were devastating . It took Susan close to thirty minutes to make the fifteen minute drive home from her doctor 's office . Her mind was spinning and she had trouble concentrating . Several times people honked at her because she just sat at an intersection after the traffic light had changed . Susan pulled into her parking space at her and Rollie 's condo . She entered her home leaving the front door wide open and went into her kitchen . Susan sort of folded onto a kitchen chair and stared at the wall for several minutes . Finally Susan stood and went into the small guest bedroom that they used as an office and study area for her . She tore a sheet of paper out of a notebook and wrote a short note . Susan put the note in an envelope , took it into the master bedroom , and propped it up on the night stand on Rollie 's side of the bed . Then she walked into the bathroom . Opening the medicine cabinet Susan took out the bottle of Oxycontin pills the doctor had prescribe for pain after the attack on her . There had been 15 pills in the prescription but Susan had only taken two ; she didn 't like the way they made her feel . Susan got a glass of water , lay down on the bed and took the 13 remaining pills . Tears were running down her cheeks as she dropped the prescription bottle on the bed next to her . Rollie check the small living area , kitchen and went down the short hall to their bedroom . He saw Susan and knew she was dead . Slowly he walked over to the bed and sat down next to her . Rollie picked up the bottle and read the prescription . He held Susan 's hand and cried . " Why baby ? " Rollie asked choking on his tears . " You were getting better ; we were getting better . " Then he saw the envelope on his night stand . He walked around the bed , opened the envelope , and read the note . Jessica has been a big help and I 've been slowly getting better . My mind felt clearer and I wasn 't in such a fog anymore . I was looking forward to making love with you again and holding you as you held me for so many nights . You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I often thank God that I was speeding that day . Maybe I was speeding toward my one true love . I guess so because that is what you are ; my one true love . When I went for my three month follow up I wasn 't felling very well . My doctor said he thought I had a mild case of the flu and took my blood to test . He called me today and asked that I come in to discuss the results of the test . I thought it was strange that he couldn 't tell me over the phone . When I got the results I understood why he wanted to see me in person . There is no easy way to say this . That animal , that fiend Thomas that raped me gave me HIV . It wasn 't bad enough that he almost took my sanity but now he has taken my life . My doctor told me that testing positive for HIV doesn 't mean it will develop into full bloom AIDS but I can 't take the chance . A life time of worrying about a mistake or an accident when we make love isn 't something I can live with . What if you became infected too because you showed me how much you love me ? I couldn 't live with that . I want you to mourn me , mourn us , for a while and then get on with your life . You are too fine a man to be alone . Someone else needs the love and caring that you can provide . Mallory told his wife , Mary , what had happened and she joined him to go take care of Rollie . While driving Mrs . Mallory made several calls . Arrangements had to be made and she took over . Pete listened to the calls . When she finished he reached over and took her hand , brought it to his lips , and kissed it . " Hey Rollie , are you reading that file or trying to memorize it ? " Frank Wends asked . He was also a Detective working out of Precinct 16 . " You been staring at it for better than 30 minutes . " " Not trying to memorize it Frank , just trying to get a feel for the perp from the incident reports . " Rollie grinned at Frank . " It 's called being a detective . Course you wouldn 't know anything about that , " Rollie teased . " Well it don 't take me 30 minutes to read an incident report , " Frank defended himself . " Bunch of us are stopping at Riley 's for a couple of beers . Come join us . I 'll even buy the first round . " " Thanks , but I need to get home . Couple of projects I need to finish . See you tomorrow Frank . Don 't drink too much now ; your wife will have your hide if you go home blitzed . " Susan Chambers was buried three days after her death . As the grave side service began , Rollie put a picture of he and Susan sitting at a campfire on top of her coffin . Rollie had used a tripod and the time delay feature of the camera to get in the frame with his wife . It had been on one of their camping dates at the old quarry . Pete Mallory stood next to Rollie during the service . Most the Precinct is here , Pete thought . If you ever planned to break the law in Precinct 16 , now would be the time to do so . He looked at Rollie and was surprised that the young husband wasn 't crying . His eyes were dry and Pete didn 't see sadness in them . What he saw was rage . After the service Rollie thanked everyone and turned to Pete . " I 'm gonna take compassionate leave for a couple of weeks , " Rollie said . " I need some time to myself . " When Rollie got home he lay down on his bed and took a nap . He woke at 10 PM , ate a sandwich , and got dressed . He put on some old jeans and a sweat shirt . The weather had turned a little chilly so the bulky sweatshirt didn 't look out of place and it hid his service weapon on his hip ; a 9MM Berretta 92 . Rollie got into his 10 year old beat up pickup and left his condo . There was a section of his city that Rollie only saw while on duty . The area once known as the De Baliviere Strip was home to upscale restaurants , night clubs , gentlemen 's clubs and even a speak easy during the 1920 's . Now it was a rundown area with several flea bag hotels , sleazy bars , and flop houses . There were also several abandoned buildings ; old row houses that no one had lived in for years , closed warehouses , and empty store fronts . It was an area that the police patrols were always two officers . For the next week , every night , Rollie would frequent the bars , flop houses , and hotels . He was searching for anyone that could help him find Bradley Thomas . He knew that his fellow detectives , the uniformed patrol officers , and just about every cop in the 16th had looked for Thomas with no success . Rollie 's plan was to do things a little differently . The police have rules that must be followed during investigations . They could try to get individuals to give them information by using persuasion , bribery , or helping a person out of an existing problem ; but there was a line that they couldn 't cross . Rollie didn 't plan to follow those rules and there wasn 't a line he wouldn 't cross to find Thomas . Rollie asked around and found a guy that at least knew the name Bradley Thomas . After some persuasion , consisting of Rollie putting the barrel of his pistol in the informant 's ear and cocking the weapon , he gave up his information . He said there was a man called Denny that hung out in a certain bar . He bragged and talked about being friends with Thomas and saw him every couple of days or so . Rollie let the hammer of his weapon down and put it away . The eighth evening of his search he heard Denny talk about meeting a friend later to get high . Denny said Brad had given him the money to score Crystal Meth for the two of them . He said that Brad was on the down low because the cops were looking for him . " Rollie paid closer attention when he heard " Central College " . That was the school that Susan had gone to . He waited patiently and followed Denny when he left the bar . Rollie tailed the man to a rundown hotel . He watched Denny walk past the desk , down a long dark hallway to a room in the back . Denny knocked on the door and entered the room . Rollie waited for two or three minutes and kicked in the door . Denny and Bradley Thomas were heating the Crystal Meth in a spoon so they could shoot up . Rollie 's abrupt entrance caused them to drop the spoon and the drugs . " You , Denny . Get the hell out of here , " Rollie ordered as he pulled his weapon . " Don 't look back , don 't come back . " " Who are you and what do we have to talk about ? " Thomas asked . Now he was shaking ; both from fear and from the beginning of withdrawal symptoms . He needed a fix . Bradley 's eyes got big and he started to sweat . " I ain 't sayin nothin without a lawyer , " Thomas vowed . " I know my rights ; you gotta give me a lawyer . I ain 't talkin until I got a lawyer . " " You ass . Do you think I care about your rights after what you did to my wife ? " Rollie motioned for Thomas to sit back down . " Did you know you 're HIV positive you piece of crap ? You infected my wife and when she found out she killed herself . " Thomas went white when Rollie said that . He knew that he would be lucky to get out of that room alive . There was a large steak knife on the table in front of him that he and Denny had been using to divide the packet of Chrystal Meth . When Rollie turned his head , Thomas grabbed the knife and started toward Rollie . " I hoped you 'd do something like that , " Rollie said as he turned back toward Thomas . He let Thomas take two or three steps and shot him . Rollie kept pulling the trigger until the slide locked open after all sixteen rounds in the Berretta had been fired . " You won 't rape any other woman , " Rollie said . He used his cell phone to call 911 . " This is Detective Chambers . I 'm at the Conrad Hotel on 7th Street , room 135 . Send a patrol car and an ambulance . There 's been an officer involved shooting and a fatality so you better get a shooting team over here too . I 'll be waiting in the lobby . " Rollie had to turn over his Berretta to the Inspector from the shooting team . The gun would be fired in the lab to match the bullet with the ones found in the shooting victim . It was normal operating procedure . Rollie was also told to report to the Internal Affairs Department the next morning . As he walked into IAD , Peter Mallory met Rollie . " Don 't get in front of this Pete , " Rollie warned . " This could turn out bad and I don 't want you to get involved . " " Please stay out of this . If IAD really wants me there 's nothing you can do but get them down on you too . " Rollie put his hand on his friend 's shoulder . " It doesn 't matter much what happens to me . Thomas won 't rape and infect any more women and now I can sleep at night . " " I have to inform you that we 'll be taping your this meeting . " Rollie nodded his understanding . " Tell us what happened . " Adams held up a folder . " I 've read your report but I 'd like to hear your statement . Reports are usually so dry and officious . " Adams smiled to show he was a good guy . " Like I wrote in the report , I got a tip from an informant that this Denny character had talked about knowing where Thomas was . I spotted him in a bar and followed him to the Conrad . " Rollie pointed at his report . " Denny went to room 135 and knocked . While he was waiting I saw he had a large zip lock bag a third full of a white substance . He was a known Meth user . That gave me probable cause to enter the room . " Rollie shook his head and continued . " When I forced the door , I saw Denny and Bradley Thomas and identified myself as a police officer . Both men started moving . My attention was on Thomas as he had a warrant outstanding . I guess I lost track of Denny and he ran passed me and escaped . Maybe I will have some coffee if you don 't mind . " He really didn 't want coffee but he thought it would piss off Adams . He was right . Adams couldn 't hide his displeasure at the interruption but he got the coffee for Rollie . He nodded for Rollie to continue . " Where was I ? Oh yeah . Denny ran out the door . Thomas picked up a large knife from the table and came at me . I warned him to stop but he kept coming . I was forced to shoot him . Then I call Emergency Services . You guys showed up and took my weapon and here I am . " Adams turned off the tape recorder and leaned back in his chair . " Just between us Rollie , was it really necessary to shoot Thomas ? I mean the guy didn 't weight 150 pounds . " " My intention was to arrest him , " Rollie answered . " But he attacked me with a lethal weapon . I had no choice . " Rollie 's justification of his actions was straight out of how to write a police report . " Thomas was a Crystal Meth addict . You know as well as I do that most of them don 't feel pain and are extremely strong . I hit Thomas twice and he kept coming . So I kept shooting until he went down . I didn 't count my shots . " Adams nodded . " That 's bullshit and you know it Rollie . But this interview is over . I 'm clearing you and you can go back to work . But between you and me , I know you executed Thomas . " Adams paused for several seconds . " If it had been my wife , I would have done the same thing . " Rollie nodded and stood to leave . As he got to the door Adams said , " You need to see a therapist or get some counseling Rollie . What happened to your wife would drive most men crazy . That 's not official , just my suggestion . Good luck Detective Chambers . Adams was a pretty good guy , Rollie thought still at his desk leafing through the report on the two rape victims . He could have made it a lot tougher on me . Course Pete was the one that came down hard on me . I can remember how mad he was at me when I came back to work . " Yes sir Captain Mallory . " Rollie sat down and looked at his friend . I 've never seen him so mad , Rollie thought . His face is red and you can see that vein in his forehead throbbing . If he 's not careful he 'll have a stroke . Mallory sat on the edge of his desk in front of Rollie . " Just what the hell were you thinking ? Charging into that room like John Wayne . You should have waited for back up . " Rollie started to respond and Mallory held up his hand . " Don 't give me any of that fairy tale that you wrote in your report . You could 've been killed . " Mallory took a deep breath and calmed down . " Rollie I know you 're still hurting . But there are other people that care about you . I don 't know why but I 'm one of them . " " All I could think of was finding Thomas after the way Susan died . " Rollie looked out the window for several seconds . " I guess I became a little obsessed . " " Okay , let 's put that to rest now , " Pete said . " But I 'm going to order you to do something you won 't like , " he said with a grin . " You will attend counseling or see a therapist . You can come back to work but you will get some help or I 'll suspend you . " " No argument Rollie . I 'm serious . You will see a Police Department approved therapist . Any questions ? " Pete continued before Rollie could answer . " Good . That 's all , get back to work . " Pete motioned Rollie out of his office . " But I want to know who you 're going to see by the middle of next week . That gives you ten days . " Three days later Rollie still hadn 't looked for a therapist . It wasn 't that he meant to disobey his Captains orders but he was in the middle of a GTA crime ring . Someone was systematically stealing very expensive cars . Rollie and Detective Frank Wends had a theory that it was one group . Frank and Rollie had agreed that the cars were being stolen , taken to a chop shop , and dismantled for the parts . On his way home after his shift , Rollie heard a radio call about a stolen car on his scanner . The car was in a high speed chase with a police cruiser . The stolen car , a new Camaro , had too much speed and horsepower for the patrol cars to keep up . They 're on Dillard , Rollie thought . That 's two blocks in front of me . Dillard 's a narrow two lane street with cars parked along the curbs on each side . Maybe I can get there and block the street . At least long enough for the patrol cars to catch up . He gunned his old truck and it shot forward . His truck looked like a beater but underneath the beat up body was the heart of a race car . The old truck had a powerful V8 engine that had been modified to extract the last ounce of horsepower . Its transmission was something you normally found in NASCAR . The Camaro skidded to a halt only 20 feet from Rollie . The driver jumped out with a pistol in his hand and ran at Rollie firing his weapon . Rollie returned fire , hitting the man with his first three shots . The thief kept firing and kept coming at the man blocking his way . Rollie fired ten times before the man fell to the ground . It was 8 AM when Rollie was called into Inspector Adams ' office . " We 've got to stop meeting like this , " Adams said . " People are starting to talk . " He laughed at the shocked look on Rollie 's face . " It 's okay Rollie . This is just red tape . I have the shooting teams report , your report , and the reports from the patrol officers that were chasing the car . It was a justified shoot . You probably saved some citizen from being in the way and getting hurt . " Looking down at a report Adams added , " It 's no wonder that perp didn 't stop when you shot him . He was so high on Crystal Meth that he could 've flown without a plane . " Adams motioned to a chair and Rollie sat down . " You have anything to add to your report ? " Rollie shook his head . " Okay consider this interview over . You 're cleared to go back to work . " Rollie nodded and stood to leave . " Can I make a suggestion before you go ? " Adams asked . Not waiting for Rollie 's permission he said , " Get a different weapon . That issue 9MM just doesn 't get the job done when you 're up against crack heads , Crystal users , and some of the other garbage out there . " " As much as I 've seen you lately I think you can call me Steve , " he said with a smile . And you do have to carry a police issued weapon if you 're a patrolman . But as a Detective you can carry almost anything you can qualify with . " Steve saw the confusion on Rollie 's face . " Damn administrative types , " Steve said . " They give a youngster a Detectives badge and tell him to go out and solve cases but they don 't give him a full orientation on his duties . They leave that up to the precinct Captains . They also don 't advise you of your rights as a detective ; one of which is to carry a weapon of your choice . " Adams reached into his desk drawer and pulled out his weapon . " This is what I carry . It 's a Colt 1911 . 45 and when you hit a man with it they go down and stay down . None of that crap like what happened with that car thief . " He pulled the magazine and ejected the shell from the camber and handed the Colt to Rollie . After a minute or so Adams took his weapon back , opened the slide , and slid a cartridge into the chamber . Then he replaced the mag . " Let 's go down to the range in the basement and you can try it out . " " I shoot better blind folded than you do with your eyes open , " Steve replied returning the Sergeant 's grin . Turning to Rollie he said , " This Sergeant Jacob Tully . Former Master Gunnery Sergeant in the United States Marines . He retired from the Corp about four years ago . Tully this is Rollie Chambers . " " You 're the guy that stopped that psycho car thief . " Tully shook hands and added , " I read the report . You fired ten rounds and the only ones that didn 't hit the perp were two that hit the door as he got out of the car firing at you . Good shooting . " Rollie looked at Tully as they shook hands . The Sergeant was the stereotypical retired Gunnery Sergeant . Tully was about 6 ' 3 with a barrel chest , a very erect posture and big arms and hands . His hair was salt and pepper ; cut so short that his scalp showed through . Tully was a poster boy for former Marines ; except for one detail . His right leg was missing below the knee . Tully bent over to pick up a piece of paper on the floor and his pant leg rose showing his prosthetic leg . The Sergeant saw Rollie glance at his leg and grinned . Rollie tried not to stare but Tully was used to people looking at the metal and plastic device that replaced his lower leg . " Works damn near as good as the real one and it don 't itch none , " Tully said with a grin . Embarrassed Rollie apologized for staring . Tully waved off the apology . " You 'd have to be dead or dumb not to be interested in something new to you . Don 't worry about it Detective . " " Yeah , I was big for my age and told them I was 18 , " Tully answered with a grin . " I also had a fake birth certificate and driver 's license . Couldn 't see the sense in waiting around for two more years . Joining the Marines was what I 'd wanted to do since I 'd been twelve . I wasn 't much of a student , not motivated you see , so as soon as I could get the phony papers I joined up . " " I 'm the one telling this story , " Steve said with a laugh . " Anyway just to keep his hand in , Tully joined the National Guard shortly after completing his probationary period with the department . His unit was activated about ten months later and he went over to the sand box ; that 's where he lost his leg . " " My body had an adverse reaction to an exploding IED , " Tully offered . " You know an Individual Explosive Device . Some gomer dropped one off a roof right on top of my squad . " The Sergeant stopped for a few seconds staring off into space . " Lost two men and my leg that day . " Tully smiled grimly and added , " The gomer lost his life : I put a round into his head when he peeked over the edge of the roof to see how his bomb had worked . " Turning to Rollie Steve said , " There 's a federal law that says a company has to give a person his job back . The offer of a pension got the department off the hook as far as that went . But there are a few former Marines in positions of power in the department , our commissioner for one , and they saw to it that Tully was reinstated . Steve and Tully laughed as they remembered the uproar . " Rather than manning a desk in some precinct or administrative duties Tully asked to be put in charge of the shooting range . That 's where this broken down old Gunny Sergeant has been ever since . " Tully made a noise like he was clearing his throat , embarrassed by the emotions that the young detective brought out . " Numb Nuts here didn 't mention that I teach tactical shotgun methods and do some sniper training for SWAT now and then . " He smiled and then laughed . " I 'm not just a pretty face you know . " " Back to business Gunny . I 've been telling Rollie that if he carried a heavier weapon he wouldn 't have to worry about Meth heads continuing to come at him after the first couple of rounds , " Steve said . " Thought I 'd let him try my 1911 on for size . " Tully provide shooting glasses and special hearing protectors called ' cans ' . " These headphones are electronically activated , " he explained . " You can hear someone when they talk but the loud report of a weapon firing is shut out . " " Yeah it does , " Tully replied . " Some people just have to be old school , " he said pointing his thumb at Adams with a smile . " Now me , I carry a . 45 also , " he said pulling his sidearm . He dropped the magazine , ejected the round from the chamber and handed it to Rollie . " This is a Glock 21C . Most of the recoil and blowback is vented out of these ports on the top of the slide . You can hold on target for your second shot a lot easier . " Rollie hefted the Glock . He looked at Tully and at his nod replaced the magazine and worked the action being careful to keep the weapon pointed down range . Rollie fired six shots at the paper target hanging ten yards away . " I guess they 're following military guide lines , " Tully replied . " The 9 has less recoil so supposedly an officer can get back on target easier . It fires a smaller bullet but at a higher muzzle velocity so it 's supposed to be as effective . Not necessarily true but that 's what they say . " " That 's not the only reason , " Steve said . " The force issues you a weapon with 50 rounds a month , right ? The 9MM is cheaper as is the ammo than a . 40 ca . or a . 45 , comparatively speaking . So it cost the department less to provide a weapon and ammo that if you carried almost any other weapon . " " First Magnum 's are not police department approved . They will do the same thing as a . 45 but they 're even harder to hold on target . Talk about recoil . " Tully laughed and shook his head . " I saw a young Detective shoot a . 44 Magnum , you know like Dirt Harry used . " Rollie and Steve nodded that they knew the movie . " The kid thought it would be cool to carry a . 44 but didn 't know much about that type of weapon . The recoil threw it up and into his face . Had to get three stitches over his eye where the barrel hit him . " Tully doubled over laughing . " Funniest thing I ever saw . " " Remember their weapons ? Phasers they called them . They had two settings ; kill and stun . " Tully pointed at Rollie 's 9MM . " Your 9 is a . 45 on stun . You might bring em down but they could get up again . " He paused and looked Rollie in the eye . " Steve 's right kid ; with the people you 've been running into you need to carry a . 45 , " Tully advised . " Okay , I 'm done preaching . Who 's buying lunch ? " And that 's how I came to carry this , he said to himself as he patted the Glock on his hip . So far I haven 't had to use it ; thank God . He looked up from the files he was studying and saw Captain Mallory staring at him . Oh hell I 've got to get going on this therapist bull , he thought . Pete looks like he meant what he said . " A Captain Mallory called me yesterday . He said he was your friend as well as your boss and that you 'd been ordered to see a therapist . The Captain asked that I be that therapist ; considering my experience with Susan and indirectly you too . " " Rollie , I 'm sorry , I mean Detective Chambers he told me to tell you that if you didn 't come to see me he would make an appointment with the first name on the departments approved list . " Jessica paused and said , " Let me help you . If nothing else you 'll get Captain Mallory off your back . " " I remember where your office is . See you at three , " Rollie said and hung up . He got up and went to Pete Mallory 's office . " Got my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow at three , " Rollie told him . " It 's Doctor Talbert . She said you asked her to call me . Why ? " " Yeah , I did ask her to call , " Mallory answered . " The why is because you weren 't going to do what I told you to do . At least not until you forced me to suspend you . Now I don 't have to suspend you . " The first meeting between Rollie and Doctor Talbert was not very productive , at least in Rollie 's mind . He 'd walked into the reception area at 2 : 45 and was told to take a seat by the receptionist . It almost 3 : 15 before Doctor Talbert opened her door and invited him into her office . Rollie had met Jessica Talbert once before while Susan was seeing her . He 'd offered to come to one or all of the sessions if it would help his wife . Doctor Talbert turned down his offer and requested that he not question Susan about their talks . He agreed and never asked or talked about it unless Susan brought it up . True or not , he always felt that if he 'd been in on some of the sessions Susan might not have committed suicide . Because of that feeling his attitude wasn 't the best as far as the doctor was concerned . Her response was not what Rollie expected . " Look Dr . Talbert , I don 't know why I 'm here . I 'm fine ; just overworked like the rest of the Detective squad . I want to be honest with you . The only reason I 'm here is because Pete , Captain Mallory , ordered me to see a therapist . " " What happened to calling me Jessica ? " She asked and then continued before he could answer . " I know you are here under duress but you are here so let 's make good use of the time . " Jessica gave Rollie a bigger smile . " Captain Mallory , who sounds like he cares , is worried about you . After talking to him I believe he has some legitimate concerns . " Jessica interrupted Rollie before he could speak . " As exampled by your dealing with Bradley Thomas . " " Two shots didn 't stop him so I kept shooting until he did stop . End of story , " Rollie said defending his actions . " If he 'd let me arrest him he would still be alive . " " It wasn 't so much that you shot Thomas that bothers Mallory , it 's the way you took leave and then hunted him down . " Jessica consulted a legal pad that held some notes she 'd made while talking to Captain Mallory . " He said that the whole department had searched for Thomas for three months and couldn 't find him . But during a two week compassionate leave you tracked him down . Mallory said you must have gotten your information in a way that , well he said it wouldn 't have been allowed by the courts . " Rollie gave Jessica an evil grin . " Prove it Doctor . " He paused and said , " I 'm done talking about Thomas . If you 've got anything else then move on or I 'll leave . " The two stared at each other for about 10 seconds and Jessica finally dropped her eyes . She wasn 't giving in to Rollie but he was agitated and on the defensive . If she was going to help him , he had to feel that he 'd won this confrontation . " Growing up I was taught that if I was ever lost or ever in trouble to find a cop to help me , " Rollie said . " To me a policeman was a friend and someone that would help me . I wanted to make a difference in people 's lives not just make money . " The young Detective saw Jessica glance at the clock on the wall . He smiled at Jessica and stood up . " Our time for this session is up Doctor . When do you want to meet again ? " She laughed . " I would like to see you at least twice a week . Today 's Tuesday , could you come back Thursday at the same time ? I promise not to keep you waiting next time . " " Doctor Talbert told me not to talk about our sessions Captain Mallory . You 'll just have to wait for her report . If that 's all Captain , I 've got work to do . " At his next session , he lifted his coat to show that he was unarmed . Jessica laughed and asked him to sit down . The next hour was more generalities . There was nothing with a lot of depth and nothing very intense . Jessica was building a foundation so that Rollie would trust her . Rollie sighed . This woman is like a pit bull , he thought with a little admiration . When she gets her teeth into something she won 't let go . Jessica stood , walked around her desk , and sat in the chair next to Rollie 's . " Yes , I 'll have to give them my opinion . And as you say I can 't tell them why . " She leaned forward in her chair . " Rollie if , and I say if , you have problems I hope we can correct or solve them before it comes to that . Okay ? " Rollie looked at Jessica . I can understand why the guy that was in here before me didn 't want to leave , he thought . She 's a damn fine looking woman . Whoa where did that come from ? He asked silently . Jessica stood , walked over to a couch , and sat down . Motioning to Rollie to join her she said , " Let 's make this more like a talk instead of a doctor 's visit . Come get comfortable . " He watched her walk to the couch . I was right ; she is a good looking woman . Rollie 's trained detective 's eye and his trained girl watching eye cataloged her charms . She must be about 5 ' 9 and weighs 130 or so with an athletic build . She looks like a runner or a swimmer . Rollie knew from his scrutiny that she had long auburn hair and laser like blue eyes . Plus she 's got freckles ; he told himself surprised that he 'd missed that before . Rollie mentally shook himself as he joined her on the couch . Remember she 's not a friend , he thought . Not exactly an enemy but not a friend . . . yet . The thought that she could possibly be more than his doctor surprised him too . " Rollie , " Jessica said and stopped to see his reaction . He smiled and nodded . " Why after three months did you go on what could be called a search and destroy mission ? Was it because Susan died ? " " She didn 't die , " he responded heatedly . " Susan was killed by that piece of crap just as sure as if he 'd put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger . The son of a bitch deserved what he got . I just wish I could 've made him suffer the way Susan did . " Rollie hesitated and added softly , " The way I did . " Rollie 's mind went back over the three months after Susan was attacked . At first she didn 't want anyone to touch her , not even him . Progressing to the chaste kisses on the cheek and then on the lips when he went to work . Finally she let him , even wanted him to hold her at night . Many nights he held his wife in his arms as she whimpered in her sleep . He smiled to himself . Then she started getting better . Susan lost the haunted look and began to laugh and joke with him again . The kisses , while not overly passionate , became more like ones between a man and his wife , like ones between lovers . Rollie knew by Susan 's actions that she was ready for them to make love and very soon . Then she got the results of her blood test . Rollie hung his head and let the tears fall . He looked up unaware that he 'd voiced his thoughts . Must be beginning to trust her , he said to himself . To Jessica he said , " I 'll never be able to put it to rest . I 'll remember how she died , killing the hope I had , we had , for our life together . " Rollie stood , walked to the water cooler and got a cup of water . " You asked why after three months I went after Thomas . " Rollie repeated Jessica 's question from the first session . " Because that 's when Thomas finally killed her . He tried when he attacked her but it took three months for him to get the job done . That 's why I went after him . That 's why I did whatever I had to do to find him . And that 's why I went into that hotel room alone , without back up . " Rollie stopped for a few seconds getting control of himself . " You said this was privileged so I 'll tell you the truth . I went into that room praying Thomas would give me an excuse . But it didn 't make any difference , he wasn 't leaving , at least not alive . How do you like that for an eye for an eye scenario Jessica ? I planned on killing Thomas ; there was never a thought of taking him in . " " It 's like you said Rollie , the Department will have to prove it , " Jessica said and touched his arm . " But they 'll have to do it without my help . The Department pays my fees but my loyalty is to you . " Rollie explained his thinking and what happened right up until the shooting . " The idiot came out of the car shooting at the police officers . Then he turned and fired at me . " Rollie shook his head , not as sad or as intense as he 'd been talking about Thomas but not happy either . " My first two shots hit the door of the Camaro . The third shot hit him in the leg ; he didn 't even flinch . He just kept coming at me and shooting . It took seven more shots to put him down . " Rollie looked over at Jessica . " The guy was so high on Crystal Meth ; he didn 't even know that he 'd been shot . " Jessica got up and got herself a cup of water because she wanted Rollie to calm down a little . " Is that when you started carrying the Glock ? " She asked . Rollie looked surprised . " I know my weapons . My father wanted a son and what he got was me . He taught me to hunt , fish , and enjoy the outdoors . " Rollie and Jessica met twice a week for one month . Their meetings became less confrontational as Rollie started to trust Jessica . Rollie was at his desk on Tuesday morning , trying to think of an excuse to get out of that afternoon 's session with Jessica . He was working on a missing persons case . Rollie and the other detectives knew that if you didn 't find someone in the first 48 hours chances were you never would . Alive anyway . Someone sat down in the chair next to his desk . Rollie looked up from the file he was reading and was surprised at his visitor . Jessica Talbert sat there with a big smile on her face . Now what ? He questioned himself . His thoughts ran in circles . Maybe she 's going to tell Pete I should take some time off , maybe she 's going to tell him I shouldn 't be a cop anymore . No , she would have said something at our last session . Rollie entered the office and Jessica closed the door behind him . She nodded in greeting . " Captain Mallory , I 'm here to give you my conclusions and opinions concerning Detective Chambers . " Jessica turned to look at Rollie for a few seconds . " I think Detective Chambers is a dedicated police officer . He really cares about helping people and in his own words ' making a difference ' . Sometimes he can become obsessive in doing his duty but it 's only because he does care so deeply . " Rollie started to speak but Mallory said , " You just stand there young man . " He smiled and added , " This is between us grownups . " Turning back to Jessica he asked , " What happened with Thomas ? What did Rollie tell you ? " " What Detective Chambers told me is privileged information between a doctor and patient . " Mallory started to argue but she held up her hand to stop him . " I can 't and won 't tell you what was said in our sessions ; about the Thomas case or anything else . I will tell you that whatever demons were pressuring Rollie have been laid to rest . If , and I say if , he stepped over the line it 's something that won 't happen again . At least that 's my conclusion . " Jessica turned to look at Rollie again and then back to Mallory . " In the future Detective Chambers will probably work too many hours on any rape or assault cases against women . But that 's understandable . . . and commendable . " She handed a written report to Mallory . " In my professional opinion Rollie should be allowed to continue doing what he does best . Make a difference . " For the first time since entering Mallory 's office she smiled . " That 's my story and I 'm stickin to it , " she said . " I 'll send my bill to the Department . " She turned and left the office . " I still think you have a few issues that we could deal with . If you need to talk give me a call . " Jessica smiled again and said , " No charge for follow up visits Rollie . " Jessica put her hand on Rollie 's arm and smiled . " Rollie it 's normal for a patient to develop feelings for their doctor . I was able to help you confront your loss and anger when Susan died . Because of the emotional things we 've discussed and you 've come to feel a romantic attachment to me . But your feelings aren 't real ; they 're just a side effect of our relationship as doctor and patient . It would be unethical for me to have a social interaction with you . I 'm sorry but it wouldn 't be a good idea . " Rollie listened to Jessica 's dissertation quietly . When she finished he gave her a sad little smile . " You 're the doctor but you 're not as smart as you think . You 're right ; you did help me through a bunch of garbage that was clogging up my mind . You helped me find a way to live with Susan 's death and not lose myself in the process . And I thank you for your help . " He touched her hand on his arm . " But you 're wrong about me . I know what I feel and it isn 't gratitude . You may not admit it because you think it 's unethical but we made a connection . One that was more than just a doctor / patient relationship . Remember what I 've said ; you can bet one of these days I 'll make that follow up visit and it won 't be for counseling . " He leaned over and kissed her cheek surprising her . " See ya around Doc . " Rollie shook himself back to the present . Man , I was lost in a time long ago and far far away , he thought . It 's been six months since I 've seen Jessica and over a month since I 've talked to her . He picked up the phone . " Yes sir . How may I help you ? " Rollie answered . When a Major in the Department wanted a minute of your time , you made sure he got it . " We 're setting up a special task force to go after this rapist . Some think the same guy did all five of the attacks and some think it 's a group of two or three that are getting their kicks . Either way we 're putting our best on the task force . I 'd like you to join us . " " There are others with more experience than me sir , " Rollie replied . " Wouldn 't they be more useful ? Besides I 'd have to check with Captain Mallory before I would know if he can spare me . " " Mallory just left my office and it was him that suggested I add you to the force , " Major Taylor said . " He said you were the only one that got the latest victims to talk . Said you 're the one that got the description out of them . That true ? " " How 'd you do it Chambers ? We had officers , both male and female , talk to them and nothing . I personally had a female detective question them . She got nothing . How 'd you do it boy ? " " I didn 't question the victims sir , I just talked to them , " Rollie answered . " Everyone was going at it trying to get info so they could catch the guy . They felt sorry for the girls but their focus was the perp . I made the focus the girls . Reassured them that it wasn 't their fault , told them they 'd make it through to the other side . " Rollie took a deep breath . " I told them about my wife Susan and how she got past what happened to her . I did leave out the part about her death . Didn 't think it would help . " " Mallory was right . You got a feel for this . You 'll be point man on the investigation . That all right with you Rollie ? " The Major wasn 't sure the young officer would take the job and he waited for Rollie 's answer . " Who 'll be the commander sir ? " Rollie asked . There were a lot of good detectives in the Department but this task force would need a special commander . One who wasn 't married to doing things by the book and could think outside of the box . " Good . Pete 's on his way back to the 16th and he 'll fill you in on the other team members , " Major Taylor said . " Oh , I forgot to mention ; we 're gonna have a psychiatrist working primarily with you . Some one that can do a profile on the perps . You know give us ideas on the type who , what , how and most importantly why . It works for the FBI so I guess we can make use of the tactic too . " |
I arrived early at Capital Toyotei . I wanted to have a drink and watch my client arrive . I 'm not sure why . When she did , I probably stared just like the guy next to me did . And the guy next to him . Her hair was down and the dress she wore was elegant , but understated . She didn 't scream " look at me ! " the way so many pretty women do , but she was very lovely . There was that something , again , that maturity about her . She was polite to everyone , from the valet who escorted her in , to the coat check girl , to the maitre d ' . Everyone got that same sweet smile , those same guarded eyes . I rose and met her in the lobby and she greeted me warmly , took my arm and we were seated . This was a bit of a surprise . Capital Toyotei may not be the most exclusive restaurant in Kyoto , but you 're never just seated . Except for today . Our table was apart from the others ; at least one table had been removed to give us some privacy . As we arranged ourselves , nearly everyone in the restaurant surreptiously stared . A few meaningfully envious looks were thrown my way , I didn 't notice if any were thrown at my client . At last we were left alone and the murmur died down . Silence fell between us . I belatedly remembered to hand over the printed report - Miss Himemiya thanked me but did not open the envelope . I nodded and we placed our orders . I tried not to look at the prices , but decided that as this was her call , she could pay . Call me mercenary . Dinner was good . I 'll never be a huge fan of French cuisine , but this chef had made it onto Iron Chef . He deserved it too . By coffee , I was pleasantly sated with rich , unhealthy food and reasonably reasonable . I suggested we commence with the business portion of our meeting since it was getting late . I began to describe my meeting with the Kiryuu 's and she made no comments . When I finished up with the little chat in the elevator , her only response was , " Ah , Nanami . How I miss her . " I tried , unsuccessfully , to hear the sarcasm in her voice ; I 'd have to swear there wasn 't any . When I mentioned that Kaoru was here in Kyoto , however , Miss Himemiya changed completely . Her smile faded and her face grew bleak . " About 6 months ago . I don 't think so . But , " I cautioned , " I don 't think you 've been hiding , have you ? " She did not answer and I pressed . " Why , Miss Himemiya ? Why did he tell me he couldn 't remember your face , or Tenjou 's ? Why does Kiryuu Nanami warn me away from you ? " I leaned forward and lightly touched her hand . The shock that ran through me threw me backwards into my chair . It was all I could do not to topple over . I felt as if someone had laid a defibrillator against my chest - while my heart was still beating . I sucked in some air , trying not to be obvious , and waited while my client 's face thawed . The look I had seen in her eyes in that one moment would have made a charging rhino take a step back . I didn 't much feel up to challenging her . " Please walk with me , " she requested , and gestured to her side . I took my position and she threaded her arm through mine as we walked . The botanical gardens were lit , but not open . We strolled along the street in silence . Light traffic passed , and neither of us wanted to say anything that would confuse , or hurt . Anything at all , really . I was still keyed up from the earlier shock and too tense to think clearly . After a few blocks , I felt myself calming down . As if that released her from her silence , my client began to speak . " Once upon a time there was a Princess … " I always hated fairy stories , but I guessed hers was not your average story . A Princess who wanted to save Princesses and thus become a Prince . And a Prince who had sacrificed himself to save Princesses and had become sick . And a Princess who was a witch and did terrible things to save the Prince . Lots of Princesses . Lots of unhappiness . I looked down at my client as we walked and saw to my surprise , that she had tears on her eyelashes . They glittered in the light from the streetlamps . I pulled a handkerchief from my pocket and offered it to her . Glancing up at me , she thanked me with a small smile . Her eyes wet with tears , that sad smile of gratitude as she looked up at me - she was beautiful . My heart stopped beating and I felt as stricken as anyone ever had by anyone they had ever loved . My god , she was beautiful . She turned away again , but I could not stop seeing that face , so lost and alone , in my mind . I found myself thinking that if I were a Prince and she was the Princess , I 'd die to save her too . Eventually I remembered to breathe . We walked in silence again . At last I found the strength to ask the question I had wanted to from the first time we met . " Who are you ? " I whispered into the night . My head spun . When Kiryuu Nanami had called her a " witch " I thought , well , obviously I thought she meant it as an insult . But … " There 's no such things as witches , " I began , but Miss Himemiya put her hand on my mouth to stop me . She pulled it away slowly . I could feel the warmth of her fingers on my lips . We walked . I left her at her apartment and she asked me to keep trying to find Utena . " At least interview the last two Student Council members … then you are free to drop the case . " " I won 't drop the case . " I said , then leaned down to kiss her cheek . When I last saw her , she stood at her door , her hand pressed to her cheek where I had kissed it . I never even heard the alarm the next morning . I mean , I probably did , and somewhere in my fogged brain I found the energy to roll over and shut it up , so that I slept long past my usual brisk hour . Waking didn 't do anything to clear my head , so I decided to give myself a day off . It 's not that I 'm lazy , but yesterday had been a trying day , full of weirdness , and I needed to recharge before I moved on with the investigation . Investigation . Just who was it that I was investigating ? I was beginning to think that this Tenjou Utena never existed and that it was my client I was tracking . I skipped breakfast to take a short run . The Yura River is always nice in the morning , and mist shrouded the streets . It was going to be a thick day and I was glad to just kick back and let it slide . Back home for a light breakfast , some household chores and a few phone calls . Nothing stressful . Nothing interesting , either . I thought that what I needed was a good physical workout - something to occupy my body , so my mind would have to follow . I stopped by my friend 's dojo , and looked in the window . He was conducting a class , mostly women . I stepped into the school and watched as the students tossed each other around . He looked up and nodded at me , but didn 't leave the mat . I nodded back and tried to make myself inconspicuous . A quarter of an hour later , class was over and he walked up to me . Furuhata was a short guy , kind of thick , like a barrel - in fact , " Oke " was what we called him in school . Time and joking had changed it to OK and that was the name I used now . " Hey , OK . " I bowed and stretched out a hand to shake . He shook and bowed and then he gave me a quick hug , to boot . Always a touchy guy - kind of unusual in our crowd . OK invited me in , we sat and sipped tea and he waited for all his students to finish changing and leave before he asked me what had brought me there . I told him that I wanted to work on some ukemi and he grinned . Gods , there 's nothing as horrifying as a judoka with a fresh uke . My smile slipped a bit and I remembered the last time we worked out - I think my sprained ankle was my own fault , but the bruises were his . He kept grinning until I groaned out loud and then he laughed . " A woman , huh ? " He whistled . Well , I think I can wipe her out of your mind . And my mat needs a good cleaning . C ' mon - I got an extra gi in the back . " And he rose , smoothly and gracefully for such a blocky guy . I scrambled up behind him and we went to get me properly attired . OK was a good guy - he 'd never hurt me seriously . I kept telling myself that for the next hour and half , as he tossed me across the mat , around the room and straight down . I worked on making useful , committed attacks - smooth , good energy that he could react to . He worked on slamming my ass as hard as he could into the mat . It worked for us . At last he let me go . I felt like a convoy had run over me , but I felt better than I had in a while . There 's nothing like a really good , tough workout to remind you of all your muscles . We showered and changed and OK invited me back to his place for an early dinner . I accepted happily and off we went . OK 's wife was a really , really good cook . I always liked that about her - and she was an old school friend of mine . We had taken a lot of classes together in college . I can 't actually claim credit for their successful marriage , but I 'd like to think I had at least something to do with getting them to meet . They had two kids - one boy , five , and a girl , two . Cute kids . I played with them while OK and his wife made dinner . We were building a block castle . Tasuke wanted it to have towers , but we only had square blocks , so I took a few pieces of scrap paper and made cones for the top . It made his day . Ari was busy making her own tower , which kept falling over . Tasuke , all responsible big brother , helped her . It was nice to watch kids play . It made me feel part of the family . By the time I got home , I was tired , sore and happier than I had been in several days . For a few hours , I hadn 't had a dark - skinned beauty looking up at me with teary eyes . As soon as I walked into the apartment , though , she was back . And I knew that I couldn 't put off the next step any longer . A few phone calls later and I had a ticket for a plane to Kagoshima to see one Saionji Kyouichi . I spent a few minutes tracking him down , assistant Mayor and Customs Official at the port . I managed to find an inn that would take the late reservation and settled down with the file on Saionji . Another Student Council member , with the exception of a hiatus . School records sealed - that always meant being expelled . I wondered why . Probably something to do with a girl - always was . Grades good , not tops , good looking enough guy , if you liked that type . Saionji had weak , thin lips and mean eyes in his photo . I wondered if he had become the supercilious , pompous official in his little nowhere town . Kagoshima … I picked up a map and found it fairly easily . Volcanic mountains , Izumi and its Crane Park , Mt . Sakurajima … sweet potatoes . I decided to pick up some souvenirs while I was there . Sounded like a beautiful place , at least . My eyes were closing and I had a long day ahead . I popped a few ibuprofen for my aching muscles and drifted off to sleep . If I had any dreams , I didn 't remember them . Morning began long before I was able to deal . My whole body screamed at me while I shuffled around , getting things together for my trip to Kagoshima . I called Nikki at home and gave her the day off , changed the answering machine message at the office and generally puttered until it was time to get to the airport . Kagoshima was a big port and tourist area , but my flight was small , just a few businessmen , mostly higher class than me . I settled into my seat and prayed we didn 't hit turbulence . I wasn 't sure my muscles would be able to stand it . The flight was uneventful . I didn 't sleep , though - the two young men behind me were practicing their negotiating skills the whole trip . By the time I reached Kagoshima I was more than a little prickly . My body hurt , my head hurt , I was hungry and irritated . I figured this would be the best time to call this Saionji character and insist I see him immediately . I love doing that to " important " officials . There 's nothing so satisfying as walking in to their offices , looking like a rumpled rag doll and watching their carefully constructed masks crumble . Unfortunately , luck wasn 't with me and Saionji wasn 't in . Either office . Or home . I decided to give it a rest and find my inn , maybe get some food and take a long soak in the bath . And that 's what I did . I was just returning to my room , feeling marginally more human , when the hotel manger called me to say there was a phone call . I stepped out to get it , conscious of the passers by pretending not to listen in . It was Saionji and he sounded pleased . " I 'm glad I caught you before you went to bed . " I checked my watch - it was only 21 : 00 , but hey , maybe he went to bed early . " I was wondering if you could come to my house tonight . I 'd rather meet you here than in the office - too much paperwork and people always interrupting , you know how it is . " Yup . I knew how he wanted me to see him , anyway . " I 'm having a little party here - nothing formal , a few business contacts and I 'd like you to come over . The drinks are good , at least . " His laughter was genuine , and my eyebrows rose a little . Who was this guy fooling ? He was trying to soft - soap me . I wondered why . I agree to come over and he gave me directions . A short cab ride , outside the city proper . I looked forward to meeting him . Not . Yawning , I dressed in my new good suit , gave the shoes a spit polish and popped some more painkillers . Not every muscle in my body hurt anymore , just nine out of ten of them . I asked the cabbie to drive carefully , as I wasn 't in a rush , but you know how they are . I think I picked up a few bruises on my bruises from being slammed around in the back . The house we pulled up to was nice , no more . Upper middle class , spacious without being a mansion . Neatly kept , very pleasant garden - nice mix of traditional Japanese and Western . I was expected and the door opened as I approached . A kid of about 15 with a serious face ushered me in and offered me a drink . I accepted . Saionji had been right - the drink was * very * good . I sipped happily enough and pretended to be invisible . The conversation around me was mostly business ; taxes , tariffs , trade , the like . I looked for the ringleader and my host , but couldn 't see anyone who matched the picture . At last the kid approached me again and asked if I would follow him . I stepped back , but he had already come to a halt , his strike parried , his opponent 's sword at his throat . The match was over ; the two men saluted , bowed , then smiled and shook hands . Laughing , they turned towards me . The man who had lost the bout bowed briefly and walked past me , shaking his head ruefully . The other man stepped up with a greeting for me and a rumple for the hair of the 15 year - old , who bore it with good grace . I checked out Saionji . He was tall , his hair pulled back into a loose unruly , ponytail . The thin lips I had noted in his photograph were fuller now and his smile no longer cruel . His eyes were the big surprise . In that picture from ten year ago they were bitter , unfulfilled ; now they radiated good humor and contentment . I was feeling a little irritated - I was 0 for 3 so far on my interviews . I might as well pack it in on reading people . Saionji clapped me on the shoulder familiarly and asked me if I 'd accompany him to his office . He waved the kid along with us , which made him stand just a little taller . Nice guy . I wondered what had happened to him that had changed him so much . We made ourselves comfortable , Saionji , the kid and myself . After drinks were refreshed , we got down to business . Saionji smiled broadly and said , " You say you 're looking for Tenjou Utena ? How extraordinary . Who hired you ? " Then he realized what he had just asked and blushed a little . Waving his hand in front of his face , he looked abashed . " Sorry , sorry - client privilege and all . I wasn 't thinking . " His eyebrows rose . " A friend ? She was very popular . " He grew thoughtful . " I owe Tenjou , I guess . I hardly remember her , but when I think about the Council - you 've talked to Touga and the others , I suppose ? " I nodded noncommittally . " Well , now . I don 't know that I 'm going to be able to help you much . I remember her , of course - popular girl , very athletic , we didn 't get along well at first … " He looked up , surprised . Resting his hands on the desk in front of him he stared at them for a while . Then he looked at the kid and smiled ruefully . " Because at that time I was a very unhappy person . " He turned back to me . " We quarreled over something … someone . It got me expelled for a while . " His eyes closed and he pressed his hands to his face . Pulling them away , he looked me in the eye and said , " I had some problems then . But I don 't care about that kind of stuff now . I left the Student Council before I graduated , focused on my grades , my kendo and got myself into a good college , far away from Ohtori . I found something more important than power , or even prestige . " " What was that ? " I asked . These Council members hadn 't yet ceased to amaze me . I wonder what fireball Saionji was about to launch at me . He smiled again , the weariness falling from his face . " Love of course . What else can do that to us ? " He glanced again at the kid , who chuckled . " When I was in college , I fell in love with an older woman . She was everything that the girls my age weren 't . I asked her out and she refused . She said it wouldn 't be seemly . I had never been refused anything before and it stung . I went away and brooded , then realized that brooding wasn 't going to solve the problem . I spent several years just trying to figure out who I really was , stopped comparing myself to other people - and I started to realize that you can 't find happiness in things . I worked hard at kendo and realized that my teacher had told me that along time ago … right before he had … before he denied it . " Saionji sighed . " Pour Touga . I hear he 's a shadow of his former self . " He sighed again . " I found myself . You have no idea how important that was to me . " He sipped from his glass , his face serious again . " And when I had , I came back and asked her out again . And she agreed . " The smile he shot me was infectious and I grinned a little with him . " We celebrated our third anniversary last week . Daiichi here , " he gestured at the boy , " is her son from her first marriage - and my good friend . Isn 't that right , Dai ? " And Dai nodded and agreed . Despite myself , I liked this Saionji . He had gone through a lot , I could see that . But unlike the others , he had gotten * through * it all and come out the other side , a winner . Good for him . But that didn 't solve my problem . The same thought must have occurred to him . " But that doesn 't help you much , eh ? " He began to fiddle with an antique tanto that sat on his desk - a dangerous paperweight , I thought . " I 'm not sure I can tell you anything that might help you find Tenjou . She wasn 't really one of us - I remember that . After we … quarreled , I harbored a grudge for a while , but when I left , I felt nothing towards her . I can 't even remember what she looked like . " " That was it ! That was her name ! I remember now ! " Saionji looked as surprised as I felt . " My god , I 've been trying to remember that name for years ! " He stood and walked around the desk . Taking my hand he pumped it convulsively as he spoke . " Thank you - that was it ! I can 't believe I forgot her . " At last he released my hand and stood , a saved man by all accounts . He shook his head in wonder and pleasure . " Well , now , that was it . " He came back to the present and smiled that infectious smile again . " I may seem a simpleton to you , but I 'm not you know . Himemiya Anshi was the name of the girl we quarreled over . I remember it being very important at the time . I thought I loved her , but you know - I never really did . I feared her . I feared them all , because I was always comparing myself to them . The last time we fought , I felt , I don 't know , freed somehow and it all became so much less important to me . I tried to tell Touga … " his voice petered out and he stopped , staring . " I don 't remember . " He said , his brows drawing close . " Something about … " He clicked his tongue against his teeth , frowned , then his face cleared . " Nope . Sorry . I can 't remember . It was a long time ago now and not very important , you know . " " That 's okay . " It wasn 't , I was getting nowhere , but it was all interesting , wasn 't it ? I stood and thanked him for his time and the drink . He offered to get me a cab , but I decided to walk back to the inn . I do my best thinking when I walk and I needed to get my sore muscles warmed up . The night air was warm and wet , and sounds were muffled . As I left the residential neighborhood that Saionji lived in , the night around me grew darker , more unreal . I was pretty well lost in thought when something behind me made a noise . I turned just slightly too late and the last thing I remember was the darkness of the night going sickly green , then black again , as I passed out , and the noise I made as I hit the ground . I awoke in a tidy little Japanese room . The futon below me was comfortable enough and I decided to sleep again . I figured that whoever went to the trouble of putting me here shouldn 't be insulted by me trying to mess everything up and leave . On that note , I passed out . The sunlight was filtered by the rice paper , but bright enough to hurt through my eyelids . I rolled over and immediately regretted it . My head hurt in three places and my whole right side was throbbing . I lay back , gasping with the effort and trying not to throw up . " If you get sick , there 's a basin to your right . " The voice was cool and composed . " It might make you feel better , you know . " " You 're pretty beat up , you know . You were lucky I happened to find you . " The voice held some private amusement of its own - I wanted in on the joke . " Thanks again . " I tried to crane my head around to see the speaker , but it was no use . I gave up trying , closed my aching eyes and let the pain wash across me . " Any chance of telling me your name , so I know who to send the thank you note to ? " I could feel my strength ebbing . Great , so much for the element of surprise . My last thought as I slipped into a deep sleep was , what the hell was she doing in Kagoshima ? Arisugawa Juri leaned forward and handed me a celadon cup with aromatic tea . I drank from it and was amazed again , this time by the flavor . I suppose by then I should have stopped being blown away by this woman … but it hadn 't all sunk in yet . I had woken up to find the light almost gone . Somewhere , the sun was setting . The room I was in had turned pleasantly cool and I sighed . At that , the shoji had slid aside and my erstwhile hostess had entered . From my position on the floor , she was all legs , right up to her armpits . I thought to myself that if * she * had been the one who came into my office , I 'd have never come to Kagoshima . She screamed " femme fatale " from her burnished copper curls to her arched eyebrows . In a remote way , she was gorgeous . " It really is no problem . So far , you 've been a delightful guest . " She knelt down and proceeded to wipe down my face with a cool cloth . Her fingers were long and tapered . I 'd have been glad to have them anywhere on my body . Her response was to hand me some good tea and wait for me to calm down . Her looks were long and searching , like she was looking for something in my face that should have been there , but wasn 't . Or maybe I just had two black eyes and looked like a tanuki . I sipped my tea and contemplated . I 'd obviously been unconscious a lot longer than I thought . " How long have I actually been out ? " I asked in between sips . She smiled . " About two days . You slept through the entire ride here . Given the state you were in , I 'm not surprised . The doctors were afraid of internal injuries when they looked at you . " I sipped more tea and let the steam ease the tension in my face . I had at least one big lump , maybe more . I must have been a sight . " I expect you 'll want to know how I found you . " She said , sipping her own tea . I glanced at her from under my lids . She was long and lean and feline . A jaguar in human form . I could see plenty of strength in her , and more than a little killer instinct . I wondered why she was being so nice to me . I nodded , and she continued . " I 'll be honest . I 've been following you for days . Since just after you met with the Kiryuu 's . I saw you leave the building and something about you , I can 't quite put my finger on it - or at least , I couldn 't then . I think I can guess at it now . " She fell into a reverie , as her voiced faded out . A moment passed and she snapped back into the present . " In any case , I followed you to Kyoto . I 've been following you since . " I am sorry . I expected something like this would happen and I wasn 't able to prevent it . " She sounded abashed . " You gave me the slip there , by walking back to the inn . I was waiting in a cab , but when you crossed the tracks I couldn 't follow . At least I got there quickly . Otherwise no one would have found you until morning . " I nodded again , and found that it didn 't hurt my head too badly . I poured myself more tea . " So , " I said slowly , considering every word . " Thank you again for saving me . But that still leaves a few questions unanswered . " She looked away , her face solemn , withdrawn . Her profile was sculpted , sharp features , large eyes , high cheekbones . She could be a model and make the other girls around her look insipid . " By helicopter , if you must know . That 's how I got out to Kago … " she stopped and cocked her head . " Excuse me one moment . " And in a blink she was standing , then gone . I could hear voices , one lower than the other . The shoji slid back and Juri walked in , followed by a shorter woman , whose pierced nose and short hair proclaimed her more modern than her friend . Their relationship was immediately apparent , and for some reason this made me kind of glad . The younger woman kneeled down by my side and laid a cool hand on my brow , then cheek . Just like my mother used to when I was a child . " You look bad , but you feel much better . " She grinned at me and bowed , slightly . " I 'm Miiko , Juri 's wife . " I tried not to show how much that turn of phrase startled me , but she kept grinning and I realized that she did it to startle . Juri came to sit by Miiko and I could see by the pinkness in her cheeks , that she wasn 't all that blasé about it , either . Miiko laughed out loud and nudged Juri . " Miss Arisugawa . Huh , reminds me of the days when you were my teacher . " I thought Juri was going to turn beet red at this abominable behavior , but she just smiled and clasped Miiko 's hand in her own . Instantly , I knew that , like Saionji , Arisugawa had made it through . I was happy for her . Whatever demons still trapped the Kiryuu 's and Kaoru , these two at least had escaped . " Miiko sat with you the entire first night , you know . " Juri said to me . " She may not look it , " she ignored the rude noise the younger woman made , " but she 's a highly trained nurse . She felt responsible - even with the doctors saying that all you needed was sleep . " " Oh , well , the bruises were from a tough judo workout a few days ago . " I said , a bit sheepishly . Both women stared at me for a moment , then burst out laughing . After a second I found myself laughing along with them . It felt good . I guess I haven 't laughed a lot recently . I bowed deeply . " Once again , my thanks to the two of you . I really do owe you a lot . " They protested , but I felt like the least I could do was treat them to a nice dinner . They asked if I could eat Indian and I agreed . I hadn 't had a good curry in a while . Japanese curry is too sweet for me . Moti , by all accounts , is the ultimate Indian dining experience in Tokyo . We went to the Shinjuku branch . The food was excellent and the company pleasant . Juri turned out to be a retired teacher who had taken up modeling when her university had disapproved of her moving in with Miiko , an ex - student . " It wasn 't worth the hassle . " Juri said . " I had had modeling jobs all through school . I don 't need to work , but I hate being idle . And modeling gave me a chance to travel . But it 's hard work and ultimately empty . Now I 'm a photographer myself . It 's much nicer on this side of the camera . And I enjoy it . " " And she 's great at it ! " Miiko jumped in . " You 've probably seen her work and never known it . Her photography is everywhere … make sure I show you when we get home tonight . " |
It is a rainy day here today . I was going to take the boys out to do some grocery shopping but then it really started pouring rain so I changed the plan . I was really craving a soda today , since we don 't buy them anymore to keep at the house . So I rounded up the boys to run out quickly to the nearby Quick Trip so I could get a soda . I have done this before . The boys stay in the car and I run in and it only takes me a minute to get one can of soda , pay and go back out and the boys would not get wet because they would get in and out in our garage . As I was getting out of the van at the Quick Trip , the boys were asking me to bring them something . It was now raining pretty hard . I pulled on the hood on my hoodie jacket and ran , locking the van with the key faub as I went . There was one person in front of me so I didn 't have to wait very long to pay . After paying , I started looking for my keys , which would normally be in my jacket pocket . My cell phone was there but not my keys . I didn 't have a purse with me but I had a fanny pack . I searched through it and still did not find my keys . I was starting to get nervous and started praying . I dumped everything in my pockets and the fanny pack on the counter , still no keys . Now I am really panicking and praying the whole time and on the verge of tears . I retraced my steps and carefully looked on the floor and shelves , still no keys . Now I am in a full scale panic . I asked people working at the counter , they had seen my keys . I retraced my steps again , multiple times , and also searched my pockets and fanny pack again , multiple times . My keys were absolutely nowhere to be found . At some point , in the midst of all of this , I called my husband and told him what had happened . Thankfully , he was not seeing patients so he left work right away and headed home to get the extra set of keys to the van . In the meantime , I went to the van several times and told the boys what had happened ( I yelled through the window that I had lost the keys and daddy was coming to help us . ) They really handled it much better than I did : ) . It was lunch time when we ran out and I thought we would be right back . So I knew they were very hungry by then . Still , neither of them got upset and they pretty much just sat and watched the cars and people come and go . A small mail truck pulled up alongside our van . He backed in so the boys were sitting right next to the mailman , while he ate his lunch . I think they stared at him the whole time . They must have been locked in the van for about an hour , by the time it was all over . After searching thoroughly multiple times and not finding anything , we concluded someone must have stolen the keys . The people who worked there also helped us look and there was just not that many places that they could have been hiding . I was wearing a zip - up sweatshirt hoodie that has lose pockets and there was a guy standing next to me while I was paying . I am wondering now if he might have lifted my keys from my pocket . Who knows but I am pretty sure someone stole them somehow . In other news , I think I forgot to tell you that there was a fox outside our house a week or so ago . It was a Sunday and we had stayed home from church because we were sick . I happened to look out the kitchen windows and there was a fox , trotting up our driveway toward the garage . When he discovered he was fenced in , he turned around and trotted back down our driveway , took a left and trotted down the road . It was pretty incredible to see in the middle of this small city where we live . I don 't know where he could have come from , as we are a ways from any area where foxes might live , as far as I know . The other wildlife event at our house is we have a squirrel that keeps getting on top of our bird feeder and helping himself to a good dinner . It is funny to watch , as he lays across the top of it with his head and front paws hanging down and eating the food , while he holds on for dear life with his back paws and tail . I still haven 't figure out how he gets on top of the feeder because it is mounted on a steel pole . The pole is in the ground and the feeder is about the height of my head so I don 't think he could climb it or jump that high . I think he must be jumping off the roof of the house onto the feeder but have yet to see him do it . We saw him out there for the first time yesterday and I have already seen him there twice today . In still other news , our quiet time is going very well . We have been doing 30 minutes a day but today we are shooting for 45 minutes . I would like to work up to one hour but may need to do it over a longer period of time . We 'll see how today goes . We have started reading our first chapter book . It is a book called Three Tales of My Father 's Dragon . We have already read the first tale and are in the middle of the second one . The boys are really enjoying it and I am too , since I have never read this book before either . It is a really cute book . Nick never wants to stop reading but , after a while , Ben usually says that 's enough for now . I am surprised they were into it actually . I had started it with them several times in the past and each time they were not interested . But I happened to pick it up the other day and started reading it to them while they were eating and they really took an interest in it . I will have to find some other chapter books for kids their age when we finish this one . If you know of any chapter books for the 3 to 4 year old market , let me know . Well , we have a little under 10 minutes of quiet time left and Ben has fallen asleep on the couch in the living room . Nick is no longer looking at books but is flipping and flopping on the small couch in the library . I wish he would take a quick cat nap but I don 't think it is on his agenda for today , even though I think he typically needs it more than Ben does . I better go now . Hope you are having a good day . I 'm not sure if I mentioned this in an earlier post or not but I started getting sick on Wednesday , April 15th . Turns out that the following Saturday and Sunday were my two worst days , when I was feeling especially terrible . I ended up losing my voice and getting a sinus infection on top of everything else . My voice really just came back to normal yesterday . So we once again moved our trip out , thinking that by the end of the week I would be feeling good again . I think it might have been around Wednesday that the husband came down with whatever illness I had . His worst day by far was yesterday ( Sunday ) . In the meantime , Ben came down with the other virus that has been working it 's way through our family . This is the one that the husband had first , then I got , then Nick and then Ben finally got it . It is the strangest virus I have ever seen . We all had the same symptoms . It starts out with an eye infection that requires antibiotic eye drops . It quickly moves on to cold - like symptoms . Fortunately , by the time Ben got it , we recognized the symptoms very quickly and got the eye infection under control within two days . He only had a light case of the cold symptoms so he never missed a beat really ( neither did Nick when he had it - they recover so quickly ) . So we never made it to Kansas City , much to our disappointment . We were all really looking forward to spending time with our friends but we will have to plan another time . We are all relieved that , it seems , we are finally getting over all of this . The husband and I are both still taking antibiotics . Our symptoms ? Fever , body aches , coughing . . . . your basic flu - like symptoms . The husband actually went to work one day to take the flu test , just to make sure . It came back negative though . He took it again today , just to be sure , and it came back negative again . So , we 're not sure what we have had but , thankfully , it was not the flu . Not much else to report around here . We had a very low key week , since we were not feeling well . The boys really never missed a beat so the dad and I were juggling our time with them by who felt the worst at any given moment : ) . Fortunately we were not both feeling at our worst at the same time so the juggling worked out pretty well . The boys have been having a ball playing outside this week . Every time they go out , Nick comes in covered with dirt . Ben gets a little dirty , especially his hands , but his clothes do not get as dirty as Nick 's . I was standing at the window , watching them play outside the other day and I noticed that Nick plays outside just like he plays in the house . . . . . meaning , he plays on the ground , just as if he were on the floor or rug in the house . He jumps around on it , trying to do hand stands . He throws himself down and rolls down the small hill in our yard . He lays down in the sand box , while making trucks drive around the sand . He is very comfortable outside and he really makes himself at home . When he comes in , I always have to change his jeans . If it is early in the day , I sometimes put them aside in case he wants to go back outside again later that day . I am having to do laundry often : ) . And now , as of today , it is time for shorts . So , now it is time for them to go straight to the tub when they come into the house . My mom and sister came to visit today . We cooked burgers and fries out on the grill and we all sat on the patio and had lunch together . It was very nice but it is really warm here today . . . to the point of being uncomfortably warm if you are in the direct sunlight this afternoon . We once again made plans to go to K . C . this week . We were going to leave tomorrow . We were going to drive through the town where my niece is going to college and surprise her with a visit , and then head on to K . C . , spend the night in a hotel and go to this really fun farm place where we took the kids once a couple of years ago . That evening , we were going to hook up with our friends in K . C . , stay with them and do lots of visiting and catching up and just having fun being together again . We were really looking forward to this small vacation . Yesterday evening , my husband started feeling as if he was coming down with a fever . Sure enough , today he has a fever and is not feeling well . It seems he is coming down with what I have had . I am really still not feeling great myself . I think allergies are likely piling on to the virus I have had and it is making it harder to recover . So , it seems once again that our trip to K . C . has been canceled . I have lost track . I think this is the third time we have had to cancel in two months . I am really bummed but I would rather go when we are all feeling good . Hopefully we can plan something for later in the year . He is a doctor of family medicine so he has to re - take his boards every so many years ( 7 ? - can 't remember ? ) . He has been painstakingly studying for his boards for the past almost - two years . He will re - take his boards in July and he started studying for them two years in advance . He divided up the amount of material he had to study in such a way as to be able to make two passes through it all . With the first pass , he summarized and took notes and now he is studying his notes for the second pass . He has been waking up early almost every morning , for close to two years now , to do a little each day . When it comes to his profession , he is a detail person . He is very thorough and he always goes the extra mile , even if it means he has to give up personal time to do it . He is constantly reading and studying and learning new information that comes out in the various medical journals during is personal time . It is not just a profession for him . It is an integral part of who he is . He is definitely the kind of doctor you would want to go to . He is very diligent about working out . He works out every other day . He very seldom misses a workout . If he misses a day or two because we are on vacation or he is sick or something , he quickly gets right back to it as soon as he can . ( Actually , he normally works out even when he is sick . ) He keeps track of his weight and has a range within which he stays . If he sees he has moved to the upper level of his range , he cuts back until he is back where he wants to be . He definitely has a lot of self control and discipline . He is also very diligent about keeping up with repairs around the house and with our two vehicles . He is always fixing something around the house . Right now it is the crown molding , which is in need of some re - caulking and painting . The people who lived here before we moved in had the house built and then lived here for 6 years or so without doing any maintenance work , or so it seemed when we moved in . So my husband has spent lots of time and effort over the years we have been here repairing , caulking , painting , etc . You name it , he has probably fix it . Last night , after he put the boys to bed and before he came to bed , he cleaned all of the crown molding in the foyer . This morning , he was up before anyone else and he re - caulked it all . He is also wonderful about spending lots of time with our two sons and he is so patient with them . He spends hours reading and playing with them . Most Saturday mornings find the dad and his sons out running errands together . Today they went to a huge garage sale near our house that started at 8 : 00am . After that , they went to the tire place to have new tires put on our van . If they get finished with the tires in time , they will go to our church where they are having a special fun event for preschoolers today . He takes care of all the finances , including researching and managing all of our investments . He keeps track of car repairs and mows and trims the lawn . When we have to make a large purchase , whether it is four new tires for one of our vehicles , a new camera or whatever , he researches it thoroughly to ensure we get the best deal for our money . He is a very busy man but he never complains and he never nags . He is almost always in a good mood and is a very upbeat person in general . He loves to read , as do I , although most of his reading is about medical or financial information or a Bible study , unless we are on vacation when he might read a novel . He hardly ever watches television . He would rather be doing something , fixing something or reading something . He likes to spend his time doing something productive . Neither of us listen to much music , unless we are in the car and then it is usually the kids ' music . I have a CD of classical music that I like to listen to in the kitchen and the husband and sons like it too so we listen to it when we are eating . Other than that , we don 't listen to music . Before I was married , I prayed often for the man I would marry . I am so thankful that God did not just give me what I prayed for : ) . I would never have thought to pray for so many of the wonderful character traits that my husband has and that God knew I would need in a husband . He is such a thoughtful , caring and giving person . He is so easy going and I don 't think I have ever known him to hold a grudge . He is very slow to anger and , when he does get angry about something ( which is very very seldom ) , his anger is always a calm , controlled kind of anger . He may raise his voice a little , more with inflection than volume , but he does not yell . I think he is probably the easiest person to get along with that I have ever met . Our disagreements usually end up being more like discussions than arguments . Thankfully , we don 't have them often . We went to many weeks of premarital counseling before we were married and I know that helped to prepare us a lot . We had to discuss so many things and we also had to create a budget together . I highly recommend this type of premarital counseling to anyone who is considering marriage . It really helps you to discuss so many important topics BEFORE you get married . I think one of the reasons we have so few disagreements is that we have so many of the same beliefs and values . We have the same religious and political beliefs . Before we were married , we had already discussed and knew that we both wanted children , even though we were marrying late in life . We knew that we were both open to adoption and we knew and had discussed that we both wanted to homeschool our children . We knew approximately what our budget would look like but , more importantly , we had agreed to a philosophy of how we would manage our money . This could easily have been a problem for us in our marriage , had we not already discussed it , because we came from families who handled money very differently . In the first two years of our marriage , we had many more discussions about how we were handling our money and some were tense and took some long walks together to work through them . But we worked through it together and came out stronger on the other side . Before marriage , we also had many discussions about children and we have similar beliefs about how to raise our children . I think having agreement on so many of the important things in life really helps to reduce the number of disagreements that might pop up in the future . Don 't get me wrong . We are not perfect . We do have disagreements from time to time . But we have a very strong foundation for our marriage . The most important thing , by far , is that God is at the center of our marriage . That is most important for a strong foundation for marriage . We also both agreed before marriage that , if at any time during our lives together , one of us felt that we need to go for counseling , the other would go . We had both seen the value of counseling in our lives at times when we were single so we felt it was reassuring to know that the other felt the same about this . I love my husband so much and I thank God for him often . As I have said , my husband is an early riser and a hard worker , so he normally falls asleep at night very quickly . There have been many nights when , as I watch him sleep , I pray to God , thanking Him for the awesome blessing He has bestowed on me with the gift of my husband . Just thought I would share with you what a wonderful man he is . Believe it or not , I am sick again . This is so frustrating . I have some sort of virus that started off as a bad tummy thing on Wednesday evening and , that night , also moved to a very sore throat . My stomach is now better but my throat is still very sore and I hardly have any voice left , plus all of the sinus stuff , head ache from the sinus stuff and very low energy level . I feel sorry for my kids right now because I know this has not been very much fun for them the past couple of days . Additionally , because I am sick again , our trip to Kansas City has once again been delayed . I am bummed because I was looking forward to attending at least one day of their homeschooling convention . But , oh well , it was not meant to be and I still have plenty of time . The good news is that the dad is on vacation all next week , so that will be very nice . He has to give about 4 months notice before taking vacation time . Fortunately he gets a lot of vacation time so we normally just pick some months and he schedules some time and then we decide later what we are going to do . This time , we will likely have some very relaxing family time around here and we will hopefully make it to KC for a couple of days at some point . Currently I am planning to use My Father 's World for kindergarten , although could change . It has a very good , age appropriate Bible study and character development study which will be good for all three of us : ) . I am also planning to use Right Start Math , possibly supplementing with Singapore Math , and I am still working on what else we will be doing . Of course , we still have a ways to go , since the boys are only three and a half years old : ) . I do enjoy planning ahead though . One of the things I love about homeschooling is that we can tailor it specifically to their learning style and pace . Of course , one of the very best things about it is that we can also provide our sons with a great Christian education , a classical Christian education no less , and we can do it all relatively inexpensive . There is just so much freedom with it . I am so thankful that we have the freedom to do this and that it is an option for our family . We are still planning on going with the classical education approach . I am currently going back through parts of The Well Trained Mind book with a fine tooth comb , taking notes . I am also researching Tapestry of Grace and My Father 's World in detail , among various other products , and looking up books at our library 's web site to get a feel for how much we will be able to rely on them . So far , it is looking pretty good . I am very impressed with both TOG and MFW and am enjoying researching their products and others . We have decided it is time to give up naps . The boys did not take a nap on Wednesday and they really did very well . They took one on Thursday , mostly because I was feeling so sick and needed the break , but they did not take one today . I 'm thinking this will be a good week to go nap - free , since the dad will be around to help out . The boys have had a blast playing outside this week , which has been nice . I have started working towards planting the seed of " when we don 't take naps , we have a quiet time " and explaining what that means . We had a short quiet time today but I really need to work on figuring what our new daily schedule will look like with no naps . Our potty training had been going so well until just the past couple of days . Nick had two accidents yesterday and three today . The only thing I can think of is that I have been sick those days , I had not been reminding him as much and I have not been much fun . I hope this is just a fluke and he will be back to using the potty tomorrow . I was just so surprised that he did this because he had really been doing very well . Well , I was only going to write a couple of quick sentences but I guess I should know better . I am not a person of few words , as you know : ) . Hope you all have a wonderful weekend . I didn 't say a typical day because it really isn 't a typical day . I 'm not sure we really have a " typical " day around here , or that is the way it seems anyway . But today is rainy and dreary so we stayed inside and focused on some preschool tasks . The boys were really focused on playing and having fun but I was focused on some preschool learning : ) . We all got up right at 7 : 00am this morning , which is unusual . Ben usually sleeps 20 to 30 minutes longer than Nick . The first thing I did was to clean Nick 's eyes and put drops in them , as he has that cold and eye infection that I had a couple of weeks ago . . . and the dad had it a couple of weeks before I had it . It is a tricky little infection . Just when you think it is gone , it rears it 's ugly head again . After taking care of Nick 's eyes , I helped the boys get dressed . They can take off and put on their pants and underpants now but they sometimes need help with snapping their jeans and also taking on and off their shirts . Then we ate . Today we all had toast with cream cheese / butter and juice . After that , I did a couple of chores ( made beds , etc . ) and they started playing with those little square blocks that have the letters on them . And then , a little later , I overheard them talking about letters and letter sounds so I took the Phonics flash cards with me and went in to play with them again . We reviewed the 9 letter sounds that we have been learning and then went over 9 new letter sounds . Ben was doing so well with this that I got out the book to go over a little letter blending with him . Nick was not very interested . Ben is catching on to this pretty quickly . He was able to blend an , man , in , inn , lam very well and he was so happy about it . Nick wanted to try a little but mostly played while Ben and I worked on it . We did not do blending for very long before Ben had had enough too and wanted to read . I read four books to them and then it was time for snack . After snack they decided they wanted to " do school " . So we sat at the table and they did some mazes from one of the Critical Thinking books ( Visual Perception Skill Building Book 1 ) . They are both really doing a good job of holding their pencils correctly these days . After the mazes , they wanted to color for a while so they colored with markers and crayons and also did a bit of cutting . As Nick was cutting , his scissors going open and close , open and close , his mouth was following along , open and close , open and close . It was so cute . I started fixing lunch while they played with their toys again . While we were eating lunch , we read two of the devotions from their daily devotions book . Each one includes a devotion , a scripture and a prayer . It is a very sweet little book and the boys love it . I would like to get into a routine of doing our devotion at breakfast time . Hopefully I will get this going sometime soon . After we ate , I cleaned the kitchen while the boys played with their matchbox - size cars and trucks on the back of the couch . After I vacuumed the floor in the kitchen and surrounding areas , it was time to start putting away all of the toys so we could get ready for nap time . The boys did a great job of helping to pick up toys and put them away . Now I am sitting in their room while they fall asleep . Nick has been asleep for a while and Ben is almost asleep . When they wake up , they will likely watch a 30 minute movie , have a snack and we will either read or play a game or they will possibly go outside to play if it is not raining . Then it will be time for me to fix dinner . Tonight we are having soft tacos and tostados . These are very popular at our house so everyone is looking forward to dinner . The dad will arrive home around 6ish , he will quickly change clothes , look through the mail and play / talk with the boys a bit . I will finish up dinner and we will sit down to eat around 6 : 00pm . Once we are done eating , we will all help to clear the table and I will load the dishwasher and finish cleaning up while the dad and the boys play or read together . When I am done cleaning up , I will likely go to my room for a short break and will probably read more about homeschooling options . ( I am taking a look at Singapore Math and considering buying some of their books that are very popular and are going out of print soon . ) Soon it will be time to start getting the boys ready for bed ( around 7 : 30 to 7 : 45 pm ) . They will pick out their pajamas and go to the bathroom and we will help change them . The dad will brush their teeth while I close the blinds and clean up a little . They will kiss and hug the dad goodnight , since tonight is my turn to put them to bed . We will go upstairs and they will each pick out a book to read . We will sit in the chair together and I will read the two books they picked out and then we will read two stories from their Bible . After that , we will say prayers , get a small sip of a drink and then go to the bathroom one last time before climbing into bed . I will give them each a big kiss and bear hug and then I will sit in the chair and read , while they start settling down and fall asleep . Around 9 : 00pm I will head back downstairs to get myself ready for bed . So , that 's pretty much it . That 's what we are doing today at the Pisarik house , just in case you were wondering . Ben is asleep now so I am going to go downstairs and make a couple of phone calls . Hope you are having a great day . I tend to write about things of which I have taken pictures but I have not uploaded the pictures to my laptop yet so the pictures come later . This is another one of those . Pictures to catch up with the posts and a few fresh ones from this morning . I think it was Thursday that we had a play - in - the - sink day . The boys had a blast . We normally save that activity for when our babysitter comes but it has been so long that I decided to surprise them with a special event . And here is the behind - the - scenes picture , so you can see how we keep the water from getting all over the floor . Actually , they both do a pretty good job of keeping it in the sink these days . I have heard the boys say ' actually ' at the start of a sentence a few times lately . Very cute . The other day , one of them said about the dad " he 's a really nice fellow " , or something close to that . Here is a picture of the very old barn that I mentioned in the last post . The back half of the shorter building in the forefront was where my grandfather used to milk cows . I 'm not sure what he used the front half of the building for back then . When I was little , they stored saddles and feed in there . The taller portion of the barn , just behind the building in the forefront is where the haylofts are and , just behind that , the shorter part is where my grandfather used to store things like his lawn mower and a bunch of other stuff . This is the inside , where grandpa used to milk the cows . There would be feed in the long trough with the slatted boards just in front of it . The cows would stick their head between the slats to get the feed and someone would move the slat into a position where the cow could not pull her head back out . Then they did the milking by hand . I think that little ditch that runs across the room was just below where the back end of the cow would be , so they could just hose the cow poop down the ditch and out the back door when they were finished . Aren 't you glad I included that bit : ) . This picture shows the ladder going up the wall where we used to climb up on top of the hay . That little door next to the ladder would be block completely by hay so the only way in was up . We had so much fun climbing around on the hay back then . Here is the old potato cellar ( on the left ) and the old tool shed ( on the right ) . Grandpa was forever going in and out of the tool shed , when he was working around the farm . The old house used to sit just in front of these two buildings . Us kids spent many hours playing around the house , playing hide - n - seek , climbing the trees , trying to tame the wild kittens and just running around after grandpa . I wish I had a picture of the old house . I will have to go through all of my old pictures and see if I can find one to scan in and keep . The front room of the old house was once a little cabin all by itself and it had been added to over the years . Today and yesterday were chalk full of busy - ness for us . Yesterday we took a drive up to see my family . First we went to my sister 's house and saw her , my mom and my niece and nephew . The boys had a fun time and we all had lunch together . After that , we drove around the area where they live for a while looking at the various neighborhoods . N fell asleep for a little while and B sang songs . After our drive , we went to my dad 's house . Actually , first we went to my grandmother 's house because I wanted to take some pictures of the old barn where my cousins and siblings and I used to play on rainy days when we were kids . It is a very old , rickety barn now and looks as if it could fall apart at any minute . That 's why I wanted to get pictures of it before it falls down or someone knocks it down . My husband told me to be careful because he was afraid it might fall in on me . A very long time ago , my grandfather used to milk cows in that barn . It has a couple of very tall rooms that they used as hay lofts and that 's primarily where we played , climbing over the hay . Back then , those rooms seemed soooo big . Yesterday they seemed rather small but still very tall . I also took a couple of pictures of the old tool shed and the potato cellar . The entrance to the cellar was once inside of a large screened - in back porch , which was attached to a very old house , and the tool shed was just behind the porch . The house and porch have now been torn down and I never got any pictures of it before that happened . It was a very old house that had a lot of great memories in it . A new house was built near by and it is not so new anymore . I took pictures of it too , just to have them . It was the first time I had been over there since my grandmother passed away a while back . I saw a lady at Sam 's Club earlier this week who looked so much like my grandmother . It made me long for my grandmother so much and also remember such sweet things about her . Brought a few tears to my eyes , then , and again now . Oh how I miss her . Anyway , sorry for the side track . After the picture taking , we went to my dad 's house and visited with Papa and Mimi for a while . One of my brothers came by and brought us a power washer that we wanted to borrow . Then we headed back home and got home just in time for dinner . Today I went to the used home school curriculum store and looked around a bit at a couple of things I have been considering for future use . Later in the day , we all went to the store and bought two sets of training wheels and two helmets for the boys . When we got home , the dad put the training wheels on the bikes while I put some chicken and squash on the grill . After we ate , we colored some eggs . It was the first time we have done this with the boys and I would say it was not a stellar event . We were out of vinegar so we used the method which does pastel colors and it did not work as well as I would have liked . But the boys had fun and we can let them put on the stickers tomorrow . We will hide Easter eggs tomorrow after nap , although we will likely have to do it indoors as it is suppose to rain . The boys are asleep now , earlier than normal . They took a shorter than normal nap today because the power washer woke up Nicl , who then woke up Ben . I have to go do some ironing for church tomorrow : ) . Here is one of the stools with the old fabric . I had already cut it loose so the fabric looks looser than it did normally . I wish I knew how old these little stools are . They have to be at least 45 years old or more , possibly even 50 . This is the layer of material under the fabric . Each can has been individually covered with this material and then one piece was fitted over the top . ( I didn 't do this part . It was already there . ) It is holding all of the cans together . I have one finished and the other one just started . I have cut out the fabric and now need to start sewing again . I know if I had a sewing machine and knew what I was doing this would take about 5 minutes . It takes a bit longer by hand : ) . I do end up with a nice feeling of accomplishment though . Oh what a change has taken place in my life . This project is oh so different than the kind of projects I did when I was working outside the home : ) . ( I have still never missed my old job though ! ) There is a road on the other side of the fence behind our house . There is a little hole in the fence . Every time a loud vehicle drives by , Nick makes a wild dash to the fence to peek through the little hole and see what it is . Nick still sings all the time . At church Bible study , one of the ladies says one of the boys was sitting by himself , while others played , with a book in his hands , singing his little heart out . I 'm sure it was Nick . He sings constantly . More often than not , he can think of a song to sing and he sings many different songs that we listen to while driving the car . If he can 't think of one , or if he just feels like it , he makes one up . In this case , the words may not be understandable . Everything is in bloom here now . The trees are getting their leaves , the Japanese Maple trees are a beautiful , deep red . The dogwood is striking against the large trees hugging in around them . The red bud trees , which are really purple ( still can 't figure this one out ; whoever named them must have been color blind ) , are still in bloom , although some are starting to turn green . The forsythia has already bloomed and is quickly turning green . My azealas are just getting ready to bloom . They are covered with buds that are so very close to bursting open ; a few around the bottom have already bloomed . I have pointed out all of the beautiful blooming bushes and trees to the boys so much that they are now pointing them out to me . Now Nick is making letters with sticks . He is good at H and A : ) . Now both boys are making various shapes out of sticks on the garage floor . I asked Nick what he was making and he said " Jesus " . Hmmmm . What an imagination . We are all happy to be outside today . I think . . . I really think that THIS time , the cold is finally over and we will have warmer weather going forward . We 'll see but I am going to put the coats away again and hope for the best . The boys are still taking naps these days , although now , they are consistently napping in big boy underwear . They have been doing this for at least a week or maybe two now and neither of them have had an accident yet . They will still wait too long to run to the bathroom at times , especially Nick , and end up making a mess , but this is happening less and less frequently as the days go by . Overall , they are really doing terrific . They only wear pull ups at night time now . Ben is waking up with a dry pull up most of the time and Nick does at times also , so we are almost there . Here it is . I think he said it was a dog . Not bad eh ? Nicl is very proud of himself because he spread the cream cheese on his toast all by himself . He did a pretty good job for an almost 3 . 5 year old . I feel like my little boys are becoming big boys so quickly that I don 't even recognize or know them at times . I can 't keep up . They are changing so quickly . They can do so much for themselves these days and they are such big helpers . Well , with spring comes all of the garage sales again : ) . We have been wanting to get the boys a small bike so last night I looked on Craig 's List and found one that was in a garage sale today for $ 15 . The lady held it for us and we went to get it this morning . It is a bit bigger than I had intended but I think it will do . Then , on our way home , we stopped by another place and found one exactly like I had in mind , a bit smaller than the first , for $ 12 and it was in perfect condition ( the first one had couple of small torn places on the seat but was otherwise fine ) . So two little boy bikes for $ 27 and no tax . Not bad ; ) . I love to get a great deal . The wind is really crazy here today . When we were on our way back home , I said to the husband that I have a very low tolerance for wind . He said " I noticed " . Part of the problem was that I was not dressed warmly enough . It looks like it would be very warm outside and it is really not too bad but , with the wind , I could have used a heavier jacket . In other news , potty training is going great . Yesterday the boys even wore their big - boy underwear when they took their nap and they both stayed dry . I think we have only had one accident in three or four days now . I am hopeful that the current package of pull ups will be our last ones to purchase . Regardless , we are definitely going through them very very slowly these days , which is great . Well , I don 't really have much to say today . Isn 't that a surprise . We are just hanging out . The dad is doing some touch up painting around the house . I have been working on some of my little projects . I finished erasing the pencil marks in two maze books that the boys really enjoyed and I thought they could do again . I also finished sewing a new cover for one of two little stools . I think I mentioned this once before . They are made out of tall cans and one of my great aunt 's made them back when my brothers were just little tykes . All the kids have used them so much that they are looking pretty ratty and the material that covers them is falling apart . I will post some before and after pictures soon . I still have to recover the second one . The other thing we did this week is the boys and I had a fun day with papier mache . I cut some shapes out of a cardboard box ( square , circle , star , rectangle , triangle ) and I also made a ball and a giraffe . It was the first time I have ever done this and I really enjoyed it . The boys had fun too , although I ended up finishing some of what they started , which is to be expected for 3 year olds . We have not painted them yet but we will have a fun day of painting sometime soon . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
I don 't do New Year 's resolutions anymore . People almost never keep them anyway . I set goals , but I don 't do that just once a year . I do it when it seems important to do it . Camping with Isaac . We are planning to camp with a friend and her lab in Delaware , where Isaac will see the ocean for the first time and play on the beach with her lab . I always want to visit Mammoth Cave in Kentucky , which I had hoped to do in 2015 but it just never happened . Isaac and I will probably camp in Wayne National Forest again , since we had such a nice time there last fall . And maybe somewhere else , I don 't know . Doing a lot of canning . I had planned to do that in 2015 but it didn 't happen . I stocked up on canning jars but ended up doing very little canning . But hopefully in 2016 . Doing some winter hiking . If we ever have winter here . As I write this a few days before the end of the year , it is 50 degrees out and rainy . It has rained so much lately I feel like I live in a swamp . But I have lots of winter hiking gear and Isaac and I are going to hike in the snow , if it ever snows . I want to do some hiking at Cuyahoga Valley National Park this winter , if it ever snows . Fixing up my van . There are a ton of things that need to be done to it . The windshield needs replaced because it has a crack in it . The anti - lock brakes need fixed . The passenger side window won 't go down . I want to put up curtains I can close to separate the front seat from the back . I plan to build a bed in the back . Well , I don 't plan to build it myself , but I plan to get someone to build it for me . Training Isaac to hunt for shed deer antlers ( we got a kit to train him with for the holidays ) and then , hopefully , finding some antlers in the woods . Posted by A woman I know from an online forum for people interesting in service dogs has a 19 - year - old cat named Hobbes . The cat 's owner is disabled and currently lives with a relative who is kicking both owner and cat out of the house soon . The owner is probably going into a nursing home , which is kind of sad considering she is only 51 years old . But the relative has been verbally and emotionally abusive for quite a while and it 's not a good living situation and the cat 's owner needs much more assistance than the relative is able or willing to provide , so . . . There 's not anything I can do about that . I believe in helping where I can , and I do help when I can , but I can 't fix everything . None of us can . Her owner has been working frantically to find Hobbes a good home . Hobbes is 19 years old and while she is healthy , she is a senior kitty and it is hard to find homes for senior kitties . Her owner is heartbroken over having to rehome Hobbes and I can empathize , because I would have felt the same way about Cayenne . She wants to make sure her kitty is OK . Hobbes is probably going to either Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah ( are you familiar with them ? It is such a awesome place ) or The Cat House in Nebraska . Hopefully we will know for sure in a few days . He 'd fallen off a railing around a deck when he was 18 and just out of high school , just getting ready to enter the army . The deck wasn 't high , it wasn 't a far fall , but he landed in such a way as to break his neck . Instead of entering the service , he entered intensive care and then a rehab center , where he learned to live with paralysis . I earned something like $ 4 . 80 per hour and worked about 30 hours a week , bathing him , feeding him , doing light housekeeping and meal preparation , taking him grocery shopping on the weekends and picking him up after work ( someone else drove him to work on days I was in school ) . I got up at 4 : 30 AM to bathe and dress him and feed him breakfast before showing and getting ready for school , then driving almost an hour to the vocational school I attended . In addition to my hourly wage , I got room and board . The state paid most of my wages , out of some program designed to keep severely disabled people out of nursing homes and off Medicaid and welfare . He paid the rest , as well as paying for my room and board . I was surprised to find out that although he had a good job and good health insurance ( provided through his job ) , he had to pay out of pocket for a lot of his medical supplies , like catheters and dressings . He also had to buy a wheelchair accessible van and a home that was wheelchair accessible . I remember thinking then how expensive it was for him to afford his disability ( not that he had a choice about it ) and that he was lucky he had such a good job . I remember wondering what happened to people that couldn 't afford their disabilities . Well , I am not in my 40 's and I have learned that most people with serious disabilities don 't have good jobs and can 't afford nice homes . I knew the man I worked for was lucky even back then , even when I was just 18 and still in high school , but I know it even more now . And I know what happens to people that can 't afford their disabilities . According to one source I found , Americans spend an average of 17 . 6 % of their income on health care . That 's a lot , I think . Some sources say it 's less , more like 11 % . I had trouble figuring out which number might be most accurate . But this year I think I spent a little over 25 % of my income on health care , much of that related to my disability . And my income is low . I am above the poverty level , about 200 % of the federal poverty level , in fact , by income , but geez . Have you looked at the poverty level guidelines ? They are low . Service dogs are expensive . Isaac is a big part of my health care expenditure . But he 's not the only cost , not at all . I don 't understand how our country expects people with low incomes to pay so much out of pocket for health care . It shouldn 't be this expensive to be disabled . I just picked up a dog on the side of the road . He was soaking wet , very dirty and his fur was very matted . He was very friendly , though , came right to me when I called him and was happy to hop in my van . could scan him for a chip but of course he didn 't have one . So I left him there and they will try to find his owner or else to find him a home . It seems obvious he belongs somewhere because he is so friendly and is used to riding in a car and also walks nicely on a leash . If only he had a microchip , he might be back home already instead of at the shelter . Microchips are not expensive and it is a simple procedure . They are injected , like giving a vaccine . I saw Whiskers get hers and it didn 't appear painful at all . They are the best way to make sure a lost pet gets back home . Of course a dog should have tags , too , but those can get lost . A microchip can 't . Posted by Isaac and I went for a walk in the morning and he took a dip in a lake and got all wet and muddy and smelly , so he had to get a bath . I also brushed him well because he has been shedding like crazy lately and I brushed his teeth . He was all prettied up . He was snoozing when I announced it was time to leave for church because he tends to go to bed early , but he was happy to get up and go somewhere , anywhere , so off we went . We got to the church a little early and I chose to sit near the back , at the end of a pew near the wall . But there was room to get in and out of the pew by the wall . I just didn 't want to sit on the center aisle . Isaac lay down by my feet , partway under the pew in front of mine . It didn 't take long before he was sprawled out on his side , snoozing away . When the service started and everyone stood up to sing , he lifted his head and started to get up , but I gave him the hand signal for " lie down " and he went back to sleep . At one point during the service , he moved closer to me and rested his head against my leg . But he was quiet and unobtrusive and the people in the pews in front of and behind mine didn 't even know he was there . At the end of the service , a few people noticed him as we were exiting the pew and the leaving the church . But I think most of the people in the church never even knew there was a dog there . I 'm not positive the pastor even realized Isaac was there , even though he 'd told Mike it was OK for me to bring my service dog . Before the service started , the pastor was going around shaking hands with people and he reached around Mike to shake hands with me , but I 'm not sure he noticed Isaac lying on the floor at my feet . If he did , he didn 't mention the dog at all . The music was nice and candle light was lovely . It 's a really beautiful , ornate church , with stained glass and stuff . It was gorgeous in the candle light . There was no need to be in special seat or anything like that . Isaac was very , very tired when we got home . He went directly to bed and actually let me sleep until 7 : 30 this morning , which is most unusual for him . So the man called the police . This happened in Michigan and in just a few weeks a law goes into effect in the state of Michigan making it a misdemeanor to deny access to someone with a service dog . The man wanted to office that responded to explain the ADA and the new state law to the owners of the gym . Instead , the office said he didn 't know anything about the new state law ( which goes into effect in about three weeks , mind you , which he will be responsible for upholding and enforcing ) and instead suggested the man just find a new gym to go to . The owner of the gym now says she and her husband are " getting up to speed " on the laws . Well , the ADA has been in effect for 25 years , so they 've had ample time to get up to speed . She also says they just did not know what to do . Well , how about complying with the law and not discriminating against people with disabilities , to start with ? Or maybe calling the ADA Info Line , the number of which was given to her , and asking what to do ? But she says she mean no harm . She violated the federal law and discriminated against a disabled veteran . Well , I 'd say that 's harmful . A few days ago , Isaac and I were hiking in a local park with a friend . Isaac was off leash and he really needed to run . We 'd gone on walks the previous two days , but not anywhere he could run off leash . He was racing around super fast . You could just see he really , really needed to run . Then , off in the distance , we saw a couple other hikers , with a dog . Isaac saw them and started off in their direction . I got out my whistle , which is what I use to recall him , and blew . I wasn 't very confident he was going to come . Another dog is about the greatest distraction ever , except maybe food . Or deer poop to roll in . Anyway , I thought there was a good chance it was going to take some doing to get him to come back to me , or else maybe I 'd have to go get him . It rained all day yesterday . It was raining this morning , too , but by afternoon , the sun was out . I knew it would be all muddy but I also knew Isaac really wanted a walk . I decided to go to a small park with a lake where he could swim , because it is so warm . 60 degrees here , three days before Christmas . So I let him off the leash . He ran around , sniffed things , peed on things . He started getting farther away from me than I liked , as well as closer to the road than I liked . So I blew the whistle to recall him . Quite a few people have suggested to me that the first church I called , the one that said I could bring Isaac but we would have to sit in a special reserved seat , was not trying to discriminate or make me uncomfortable but was trying to be helpful . Well , I don 't know what their intentions were . You would assume a church would want to be helpful and welcoming , but then , many churches refuse to allow people with service dogs to attend at all , so those churches do not intend to be helpful or welcoming . So that is not the intention of all churches . And yes , segregating a person because they have a disability , insisting they must sit in a special reserved seat when everyone else gets to choose any seat they like , is discrimination . Offering to reserve a seat or asking if I would need a special seat , that would be offering to be helpful . But insisting I sit in a special seat when I do not need or want a special seat ? That is discrimination . The U . S . Department of Justice even says it is discrimination . Under the Americans with Disabilities Act , it is illegal for a business to do that . But of course , churches are exempt from the ADA , so they are allowed to discriminate . The fact that it is legal doesn 't make it helpful , though . The thing that surprised me is that many of the people suggesting the church just wanted to be helpful and that I was being unreasonable have disabilities . I 've written before about how bigotry can be internalized and this is yet another example . I am unreasonable for objecting to discrimination . The people discriminating against me are not unreasonable . I should appreciate them just allowing me to attend their church and not expect to receive equal treatment . Well , no . I don 't appreciate discrimination and I don 't find it helpful . Not at all . Last year I posted about how I was thinking of going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve but was unable to find a church where I could take Isaac . It wasn 't that I found a bunch of churches that said no service dogs allowed , it 's that I wanted until the last minute to call and then either no one answered the phone in the church office or the person that answered didn 't know if they allowed service dogs or not and the person that would know was not available to ask . I called six different churches and then gave up . I live in a pretty rural area and there are only so many Catholic churches within a reasonable driving distance . There is actually only one Catholic church in my entire county , and of course , not all Catholic churches have midnight mass and I really wanted to go to midnight mass , not an earlier service . I don 't want this post to be about religion , but I will say that I am not Catholic , I am not even Christian , but I have always thought it would be interesting to go to midnight mass on Christmas eve . I just wanted to see it . And I 've heard the music is lovely . I do not support the Catholic church for many reasons and certainly would not donate any money to them . But I 'd like to go to midnight mass one time . So anyway . I decided to plan ahead this year . I started making phone calls today to find out where I might be able to attend midnight mass with my service dog . And no , churches are not required by law to admit service dogs . They are exempt from the Americans with Disabilities Act , which means they are permitted by law to discriminate against people with disabilities . Some churches welcome people with disabilities , including those with service dogs , but they are not required to by law . It is up to each church . If you want to read what the U . S . Department of Justice says about why that , you can read it here . A Catholic acquaintance tells me that the American Council of Catholic Bishops has made some sort of statement that service dogs should be welcomed in all Catholic churches , but I don 't have a link to that statement so I can 't verify it . It 's probably true , though . But probably not all Catholic church employees or volunteers are aware of it . So some would probably tell me I couldn 't bring my service dog and maybe I 'd have to produce the statement from the Council of Catholic Bishops and try to convince them they are wrong . And this is not a battle I want to fight since I 'm not Catholic and do not want to attend church on any kind of regular basis . I called the first church on my list , whose website stated they have midnight mass on Christmas Eve . The women that answered the phone did not know if I could bring my service dog or not and put me on hold . When she finally returned , she said I could , but she needed my name so that they could reserve a special seat for me . I asked why they needed to reserve a special seat and said I did not need a special seat . She said they had to reserve a special seat up front since I would have my service dog with me . I told her I was uncomfortable with that , that I did not need or want a special seat up front , and that if they would insist I sit in a special seat , that I would just check with another church . She said OK . Apparently it was just fine with her if I did not attend . So I called the next church on my list . They do not actually have a midnight mass but one at 10 pm . Which Isaac would actually prefer , because he does not like staying up late . The woman that answered the phone said she was pretty sure it would be OK but asked me to hold on while she checked to make sure . She came back and said it was fine . She said she hoped she 'd see me there . Posted by And it is working wonderfully . Unlike last time I had a tooth pulled , I am having no pain at all . I 'm sleepy and getting ready to lie down for another nap . Whiskers is pleased with all day napping . But my mouth does not hurt one bit . It was a lovely day today and I am sure Isaac would have enjoyed a walk . But I gave him a new beef knuckle bone to entertain him . Whiskers finds napping on the couch with me entertainment enough . Posted by When I saw the audiologist about my dizziness , I had a hearing test . I was informed my hearing is excellent , no hearing loss at all in either ear . I didn 't realize I was worried about my hearing until I got that news and discovered I was re . lieved . If you 've never had a hearing test ( this was my first ) , it is usually done with the patient in a little booth , about the size of a phone booth ( remember those ? ) , which is soundproof . The audiologist sits right outside the booth and there is a window so you can see out and you wear headphones and can hear the audiologist and she can hear you . Without the window , it would have felt claustrophobic to me but since there was the window , it felt OK . I planned to have Isaac in a down stay in the exam room near the audiologist while I was in the soundproof booth . When I sat down in the booth , however , Isaac got up and walked over to the door of the booth and looked in at me . He looked worried . I told him it was OK and to go lie down . Instead , he came into the booth with me . I don 't know why he didn 't want me in the booth without him . He does not have separation anxiety . Once recently he was happy to have my acupuncturist take him outside to go potty ( because he waited until she was almost done putting needles in me to announce that he had to poop right away and she generously offered to take him out ) . He was also happy to lie in the hallway outside the little x - ray room at the dentist office recently . The door was open but he was not in the room and couldn 't easily see me . He was fine with that . The audiologist said it would be all right for him to be in the booth with me so I had him lie down at my feet . It was crowded . He didn 't care and neither did I . I don 't think I ever posted about the outcome of my visit to the ENT and the audiologist , but I was diagnosed with something call benign paroxysmal positional vertigo , or BPPV , which is apparently a very common cause of dizziness and usually very easy to treat . And sure enough , the treatment seemed to help . For a couple of weeks , I was dizziness - free and loving it . Also , Friday I had a horrible muscle spasm in my neck . There was this giant knot on the right side of my neck and I could hardly turn my head . I tried heat , my TENS unit , stretches , everything I could think of , and nothing helped . Saturday morning , I was miserable and desperate . I decided to go to urgent care . The physician 's assistant touched the knot , said " Wow ! " and seemed most impressed , and prescribed 20 tablets of a muscle relaxer . I was amazed she gave me that many . Apparently she thought my knot was really , really something . It was huge . I mean , you could feel it . Maybe even see it . Like having an egg - shaped lump on the side of my neck , made of muscle . I took one tablet and by the next morning , the knot was almost gone . It was a normal muscle knot , anyway . The kind I get in my neck and shoulders all the time . My neck hurt , but it was a normal pain for me , not something I felt I needed urgent care or prescription medication for . Then Sunday night , I had another really bad dizziness episode . Couldn 't stand up . I took my blood pressure and it was 79 / 49 . Tried it again a bit later and it was 78 / 48 . I debated going to the ER . Finally decided not to , partly because I thought they would just give me IV fluids and I didn 't think I was dehydrated and just didn 't think they would be able to do anything to really help , and partly because going to the ER would have meant walking out to the car , driving to the hospital , walking from the car to the ER , etc . And I couldn 't really stand up . Definitely not long enough to do all that walking , and I wasn 't sure it was a good idea to drive when I felt like that . And then I had an anxiety attack . I think the anxiety was about feeling anxious and guilty and stuff I needed to get done , including some articles I was already late finishing , and feeling anxious and scared about how dizzy and sick I was feeling , and feeling depressed and alone about not being able to go to the ER because I was too sick to drive myself there . And yeah , I could have called 911 and gone by ambulance . I didn 't want to . How would I get home if I did that ? Anyway . I ended up crying , and Isaac brought me my medication , and I took some , and then I got down on the floor with him and lay down with him and he rolled over for me to rub his belly . And then Whiskers came over and licked tears off my face and curled up next to me and purred for a while . And after a while , I felt better . I need to call the audiologist back because I probably need another treatment for the BPPV ( I 'll have to explain what that is later ) . Wednesday I have to have tooth pulled and I 'm trying to get prepared for that . So it 's also been busy . Isaac and I met the nicest little boy at the library today . He was about five . We were leaving at the same time he and his mother were leaving , and he hurried to hold open the door for us . It 's a training kit to teach dogs to hunt for shed antlers . I dunno if he 'll learn to do it or not . I hope so . I think it would be fun . He really likes finding bones when we go hiking . Why not antlers ? He is not actually a big fan of antlers for chewing . Apparently he is one of the few dogs in the world that doesn 't like to chew on them . But he could still hunt for them and enjoy finding them . Then I can give them to friends that have dogs that actually like to chew on them . A couple weeks ago I was at the Medicaid office , standing at the window waiting for my gas voucher . A family with a mom , a dad and a little boy about three or four came in and the little boy made a beeline for my service dog . He ran right up to Isaac and was nose - to - nose with him , hugging his head , before I realized what was going on . I was talking to the employee at the window about my gas voucher but I stopped whatever it was that I was saying , bent down to look the little boy in the eye , and began giving him my standard lecture for kids that pet or hug or otherwise touch Isaac without asking . It 's a lecture I 've given maybe a dozen times since I 've had him . I 've given my adult version of the lecture many more times . The little kid version of the lecture goes something like this . " It is not OK to pet a doggie you don 't know without asking first . It is never OK to touch a doggie you don 't know without asking because you don 't know if he is a nice doggie or not . " I don 't get into the issue of distracting a service dog because the most important thing for little kids is not to touch any dog without asking . Then her husband reached into their cart and pulled out a squeaky toy , which they must have been buying for their lab . It was a toy Isaac would destroy in about 30 seconds . He waved the toy in front of Isaac 's face and started squeaking it ! Isaac got a beef hock today and there were all these little bits of crunchy smelly stuff in the package , which he likes . Apparently Whiskers likes that stuff , too . They shared . Here is a sample letter for a landlord from a doctor or other health care provider stating you are disabled and need a service dog . A similar letter could be used to state you need an emotional support animal . The letter should be written on letterhead and dated , of course . And of course , you 'd put in your own name and list some of the things you have difficulty doing . Note that the letter does not need to say what your disability is , just that you are disabled . Dear Landlord : Kelly is my patient , and has been under my care for about six years . She meets the definition of disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act as well as the Fair Housing Act . Due to her disability , Kelly has a number of functional limitations . For instance , she has difficulty bending forward to pick up items from the floor or to remove laundry from the clothes dryer . She may have difficulty retrieving medication or a telephone if she needs to call for help . In order to alleviate these difficulties and to enhance her ability to live independently and to fully use and enjoy her dwelling , Kelly needs a trained service dog to assist her . A specially When I rented the car , I was informed that the rental company had a no pets policy , which seems to be typical of rental car companies these days . Isaac was there with me at the rental car office and the employee that was assisting me said something like , " Of course , I see you have a service dog and that 's OK . " He said , " I 'm just going to write on this paperwork , customer has a service dog , " and I saw him write it . I had a sheet with me and I covered the entire back seat with it , not just the flat part you sit on , but the back of the seat , too . Fitted sheets work great for that , by the way . So Isaac never sat directly on the seat the whole time I had the car . When I returned the car , I did notice a small amount of dog hair , mostly on the front driver 's seat . Where Isaac never sat , of course , because while he is very smart , he cannot drive . That hair had been transferred to the seat from my coat . Which would have happened even if Isaac had never been in the car , because my coat would have still been in the car . I said , " Yes , and no pets were in the car . However , my service dog was in the car . He is allowed in the car , because the Americans with Disabilities Act says he is allowed . " I added , " I think that small amount of dog hair will be easily removed with normal vacuuming . " I was annoyed . I hope they do not end up trying to charge me for the dog hair because it really was not a lot of hair and should be easily removed if they vacuum , which I assume they do between customers anyway . Posted by So I thought about that . Surely there were women there when Jesus was born . I mean , Joseph didn 't deliver that baby . Men didn 't have anything to do with birthing babies back then . He would have been in the inn , probably getting drunk , while his son was born . Women would have attended Mary . They would have summoned a midwife if possible , and midwives were wise . You had to be wise to deliver a baby in a barn with no modern medical stuff available and have both mom and baby come through the birth healthy . You 'd have to be wise to do that today , and women are better nourished today and have better prenatal care . Plus Mary was a teenager , so her birth would have been riskier than that of an adult woman . If there was no midwife around , other women would have attended Mary . Most women knew about birth back then . Maybe the innkeeper had a wife or daughters . They could have been wise . But the real story of Jesus 's birth would have been that women helped deliver him , and it would have been bloody and smelly and , well , real . I know you don 't see that in the nativity scene on the church lawn . But I 've been at births . I know . And I know Today I am thankful for many things . My life is far from perfect and there are things I lack , things I want , things I wish were different . But there is still much for which I am thankful . And today I chose to focus on those things . Isaac , of course . For all the ways he helps me . For his joyful energy . For his constant , unconditional love . And I am thankful he is recovering well from his leg injury . Whiskers . I did not want a cat . But she wanted me and she is playful and cuddly and so much fun . And I am grateful I was able to give her the care she needed and the home she deserved . For all the friends , as well as some strangers , that donated money to allow me to go to Nebraska to get Whiskers and bring her home . All my friends . I am going to name some specifically , but I know I 'll miss some , and I am truly thankful for them all . The friend that sent me , Isaac and Whiskers a care package recently . Which arrived in five installments . Full of treats for all of us , including catnip mice for Whiskers , a bone Isaac thinks is just terrific , sugar free candy for me , warm socks for me , lavender Epsom salts for me , and many other goodies . Isaac also truly enjoyed the visits from the UPS guy . The friend that sent me what she called a " winter hike in a box , " a package full of warm winter hiking gear . My acupuncturist , for providing the most pain relief I 've gotten from anything in years . My car insurance company . I 'll share - it is State Farm . When I was recently involved in a minor accident , the insurance agent took my report , arranged for a tow truck and a rental car ( and the rental was covered in full by my insurance ) and , as much as possible , made a stressful situation easier to cope with . The traveling Isaac and I got to do over the past summer . Visiting a good friend in Michigan . Visiting a friend and her service dog Jake in Nebraska . Today I was practicing Get the Juice with Isaac , where he gets me a juice box from the fridge . He is now obsessed with getting me juice . Every time I start to tell him to do something , without listening to see I have a rental car at the moment because Friday I had a minor car accident and my van is in the shop . I have stuff related to the accident to blog about , but not right now . Later . But rental cars . This is the second time I 've had a rental car since I 've had Isaac . Under Title III of the ADA , service dogs are allowed in rental cars . It seems many rental car companies specifically do not allow pets in the cars , but a service dog is not a pet . They are allowed . The first rental car I had , the employee that assisted me seemed unsure when I told him my service dog would be in the car . I told him the Americans with Disabilities Act says he is allowed . The employee looked unsure but said he guessed it would be OK . The current rental car is from a different company . The employee that assisted me informed me that they don 't allow pets but that of course my service dog would be OK . Then he informed me that if there was excessive dog hair in the car , I would be charged for cleaning . Well , yeah , but it would have to be so much hair that normal vacuuming would not remove it . And that is unlikely . I put a sheet over the entire back seat to help keep the seat clean . I am not worried about hair . Whiskers does not even want to play with that toy , but she has been a bit rude to Isaac here lately . Isaac wanted his toy and she was daring him to try to pick it up . So he was afraid to try to get it . Poor doggie . And when he finished telling me about his affinity for labs , he did examine me . It was a pretty quick appointment . He wanted to schedule some testing , which is what I expected to happen . He asked some questions , seemed to be making sure my dizziness and other symptoms were not likely to be caused by something like a stroke or a brain tumor ( I already know they were not ) , and then said he thought the best thing to do was to do some tests to see if there is something wrong with my inner ear ( s ) . Which made sense to me . So still no answers and no treatment , but they were able to schedule the testing for next week , which seemed really quick to me . And I will see the doctor that same day , right after the tests , so I will get the results and hopefully we will have some answers then . The first thing the new ENT doctor says upon entering the exam room : Oh ! A lab ! I love labs . I had one but I lost her in May of 2014 . She Isaac : I have a real affinity for you , too . May I sniff your crotch ? And then I 'd be happy to help you out by catching that fly buzzing around your window . Isaac seems to be feeling better today . When I took him out to pee , he lifted his right leg to pee on some bushes , which meant a lot of weight was on his injured left leg . Until now , he 's been lifting his left leg to pee so his weight was on his good leg . At the moment he is busy gnawing on a knuckle bone , but he is pretty unhappy that I won 't take him for a walk since it a gorgeous day here today . I heard him yelp and then he came back to me limping . At first he wouldn 't put any weight at all on his left back leg . Then he started walking on it sometimes , but not all the time , but still limping . We must have been at least half a mile from our car and I was scared I wouldn 't be able to get him back to the car . I thought about trying to carry him but he weighs nearly 80 pounds . There is no way I could carry him . I was considering calling a friend and begging him to leave work to come help me , but Isaac seemed able to walk as long as we went slow , so that 's what we did . We went to the vet and he as a lot of swelling and a nasty scrape on that leg . Fortunately nothing is broken and the vet does not even think anything is sprained . He has anti - inflammatory medication and unfortunately for him , he I get questions a lot like can you get a service dog for depression ? For generalized anxiety disorder ? For Tourette Syndrome ? For asthma ? Insert your disability here . When determining whether or not you qualify for a service dog , it doesn 't matter what your disability is . What matters is how your disability affects you . It 's a matter of how severe your condition is , not what your diagnosis is . A real simple example is that of visual impairments . Many people wear eyeglasses . But most are not disabled by a visual impairment . With their glasses , they can see all right . Some people , though , have such poor eyesight that glass don 't help or that , even with glasses , they cannot see very well at all . They have trouble doing all sorts of things due to their poor eyesight . They are blind or visually impaired and are considered disabled . The same can be said for many , many conditions . Lots of people with PTSD are not disabled by the condition . Many people have anxiety disorders , and maybe they see a therapist or take medication for it , but they aren 't disabled . They are able to do daily tasks with little or no assistance . Some people , though , are unable to manage basic tasks due to their severe anxiety and they are disabled by the condition . Lots of people have diabetes but are not disabled by it . They have to watch what they eat and maybe they need to check their blood sugar a few times a day and maybe they take medication or even insulin injections , but they are able to see and hear and think and communicate and concentrate and breathe and all those basic life activities just fine . Some people , though , have severe highs and lows with their blood sugar and for some reason aren 't able to feel it when their glucose drops dangerously low ( I sure feel it , but some people , often children , don 't ) , and it can be life - threatening . They might be disabled by their condition , even though many people with diabetes are not . I could make a list of disabilities for which someone might have a service dog , but it would be a super long list , and I 'd be sure to forget to include some conditions . The bottom line is that it depends on how the condition affects you . If you 're not sure if you are disabled by your condition , whatever , that condition is , that is a conversation to have with your doctor . Today at the Medicaid office , Isaac made friends with the cutest little girl . She was probably three or four and as soon as she spotted Isaac in the waiting area ( he was conked out on his side sleeping ) , she announced to everyone , " That dog is sleeping ! We should not be too loud . That dog is sleepy . We won 't yell so we won 't wake him up . " lost a tooth , and some other stuff I didn 't quite understand . At one point I heard her tell him , " You 're my friend . I like you and you like me . You are my friend now . " It was absolutely adorable . bout my experience . It turned out he knew why I wanted to speak to him and was already aware there had been a problem . I think maybe the eye doctor told him how I 'd pointed out to her that she was violating the Americans with Disabilities Act by asking why I need a service dog . The office manager told me that he 'd done some research after my visit and that he was aware that he asked the wrong question or phrased it the wrong way . He was able to tell me what the two questions are that the staff is allowed to ask under the ADA . He did try to tell me that they were only asking because they wanted to make sure they provided the best possible care for me . I addressed that , pointing out that if there is concern one of the eye tests could trigger seizures , they should be asking all patients if they have a history of seizures , not just those with service dogs since many people with seizure disorders will not have service dogs . He agreed . He also mentioned diabetes and was aware that there are service dogs that help people with diabetes ( usually type 1 diabetes ) and he himself pointed out that most people with diabetes won 't have a service dog so it is important that they ask all patients if they are diabetic . He told me that they all thought Isaac had done really well , he 'd been very well - behaved and was clearly well - trained , and he was welcome there any time . He asked me some general questions about service dogs , like how long it takes to train them and things like that . He told me I was their first patient to come in with a service dog and I said I understood that and that I know people usually do not mean to be intrusive or to offend and that I just wanted to be sure they understood both the law and how to deal with patients with service dogs in a sensitive and respectful manner . I remember reading about a study once in which researchers offered both black and white dolls to both black and white children . Both the black children and the white children preferred the white doll . That is telling , right ? Well , people with disabilities internalize ableism , too . They internalize prejudice and sometimes discriminate against others with disabilities . Also , they sometimes cooperate with people that want to discriminate against them . Another service dog handler , not an EMT , who also thinks service dogs should not be allowed in ambulances . She informed me I would be risking my life if I insisted on taking my service dog with me in an ambulance and said she thought the paramedics should refuse to transport my dog . Besides risking my life , I would be inconveniencing the paramedics , who would have to disinfect the ambulance after transporting my dog . Another service dog handler who said a group of five friends , all of whom have service dogs , should not have gone to eat in a restaurant together with their service dogs . A group of disabled people with service dogs is too noticeable and might intimidate some people . Plus , that much dog hair would be a health hazard . Later , she said a regular restaurant would be OK but not a buffet , because of the dog hair . The U . S . Department of Justice has clearly said that people can take their service dogs in ambulances , to emergency rooms and to restaurants , including buffets . Now , if someone feels it is risky to take her service dog in an ambulance , or doesn 't want to inconvenience the paramedics by making them disinfect an ambulance that has been exposed to dog hair ( they must clean the ambulances anyway , right ? I sure hope so ! ) , or doesn 't want to take his service dog to the ER , or is uncomfortable being noticed in a restaurant or prefers not to dine out with other disabled friends - well , they are not required to do so . But does it surprise you that these people , who have disabilities and service dogs , hold these beliefs and argue vehemently against the rights of fellow service dog handlers ? It surprised me . This is internalized ableism . Posted by at her . " Get over here ! Leave that dog alone ! That dog is working , you can 't pet him . You can 't bother a working dog . Get over here right now ! Don 't make me come over there and get you ! " While I usually appreciate parents that tell their kids not to bother working dogs , I 've never had a parent yell at their kid about it like this . I hate when parents yell at their kids . It 's a trigger with my PTSD . And it seems so rude . Would they talk to anyone else that way ? And if not , what makes them think it is OK to talk to their kids like that ? He said yes , so I asked her if she would like to say hi to Isaac . She did . She petted him really nicely and I told her his name . Isaac is so cute . He heard me talking to Whiskers ( telling her to leave it , which was about as effective as you would imagine it would be ) , so he got out of bed and suggested I talk to him , too . I did , and petted him , and then he got his Kong and brought to me to ask if I would put a treat in it for him . I informed him that we were not going to play Kong because it is night time , so he shrugged , dropped the Kong , and trotted back to bed . He totally knows what " it 's night time " means . Many people have told me I am brave . I have said , repeatedly , I don 't think I am that brave . My friend , the one going through a serious illness , is brave . It takes a lot more courage to face that than to shave my head , especially when I know my hair will grow back . My hair has always grown quickly . I was thinking about it and I wonder if , were I to tell people I was shaving my head because I had a serious illness that was making me lose my hair , would they still tell me I am brave ? Or would they feel sorry for me ? I bet it would be the latter . And they might also be a bit afraid that they might catch whatever serious illness was making me lose my hair . It is brave to do something so unconventional . It 's brave to stand out . But I don 't want everyone telling me I 'm brave and wonderful for doing this . That 's not why I did it . That 's not the point . This was Isaac 's first experience at a hair salon , by the way . He treated it like any other public access situation . I allowed him to say hi to the woman that shaved my hair , because she really wanted to pet him . Turns out she had to euthanize her cat last week . In addition to petting Isaac , she kissed him and nuzzled his face and let him kiss her and nuzzle her neck . It seemed very important to her to pet him and I was happy to let her . Posted by I sighed and said , " You know you aren 't really supposed to ask that , right ? Under the Americans with Disabilities Act , you are only allowed to ask two questions . You can ask if it is a service dog and - " Well , I knew that . Which is why I didn 't answer . But apparently she was in need of some education , so I wanted to offer that to her . She was not interested in being educated , though . If that was true , then why not just ask that ? And why not ask it of all clients ? Why assume only clients with service dogs might have medical conditions ? If that was true , shouldn 't they ask all clients if they have a history of seizures ? Not all people with seizure disorders have service dogs . In fact , probably most don 't . Two years ago , though , when I was there without Isaac , no one asked me about seizures . I don 't think she was really asking in order to get medical information . If she was , well , there is a better , more appropriate , more respectful way to collect medical information . And a way that doesn 't violate the ADA . Note that when I went to the ER recently , the day after my eye exam , in fact , no one there felt the need to ask why I have a service dog in order to gather the necessary medical information . They just took a medical history , the same as they do for all patients . My primary care physician has never asked why I have a service dog . My rheumatologist has never asked . They just took careful medical histories , like doctors should do with all patients . If none of those medical professionals need to violate the ADA , and therefore violate my civil rights , by asking why I have a service dog , why should an eye doctor need to do so ? Edited to add : And yes , I am going to address this with them . I called the next day to find out who was in charge , who I should speak to . Turns out to be the office manager , the one that first asked me the inappropriate question . Great . But he was not in when I called . I 've tried calling two other times , plus I stopped by once , and have yet to catch him in the office . He must not work very much . But I will catch up to him . I have printed out some educational material to give him and I plan to offer to speak to the entire staff at a staff meeting or training session . Posted by |
I don 't do New Year 's resolutions anymore . People almost never keep them anyway . I set goals , but I don 't do that just once a year . I do it when it seems important to do it . Camping with Isaac . We are planning to camp with a friend and her lab in Delaware , where Isaac will see the ocean for the first time and play on the beach with her lab . I always want to visit Mammoth Cave in Kentucky , which I had hoped to do in 2015 but it just never happened . Isaac and I will probably camp in Wayne National Forest again , since we had such a nice time there last fall . And maybe somewhere else , I don 't know . Doing a lot of canning . I had planned to do that in 2015 but it didn 't happen . I stocked up on canning jars but ended up doing very little canning . But hopefully in 2016 . Doing some winter hiking . If we ever have winter here . As I write this a few days before the end of the year , it is 50 degrees out and rainy . It has rained so much lately I feel like I live in a swamp . But I have lots of winter hiking gear and Isaac and I are going to hike in the snow , if it ever snows . I want to do some hiking at Cuyahoga Valley National Park this winter , if it ever snows . Fixing up my van . There are a ton of things that need to be done to it . The windshield needs replaced because it has a crack in it . The anti - lock brakes need fixed . The passenger side window won 't go down . I want to put up curtains I can close to separate the front seat from the back . I plan to build a bed in the back . Well , I don 't plan to build it myself , but I plan to get someone to build it for me . Training Isaac to hunt for shed deer antlers ( we got a kit to train him with for the holidays ) and then , hopefully , finding some antlers in the woods . Posted by A woman I know from an online forum for people interesting in service dogs has a 19 - year - old cat named Hobbes . The cat 's owner is disabled and currently lives with a relative who is kicking both owner and cat out of the house soon . The owner is probably going into a nursing home , which is kind of sad considering she is only 51 years old . But the relative has been verbally and emotionally abusive for quite a while and it 's not a good living situation and the cat 's owner needs much more assistance than the relative is able or willing to provide , so . . . There 's not anything I can do about that . I believe in helping where I can , and I do help when I can , but I can 't fix everything . None of us can . Her owner has been working frantically to find Hobbes a good home . Hobbes is 19 years old and while she is healthy , she is a senior kitty and it is hard to find homes for senior kitties . Her owner is heartbroken over having to rehome Hobbes and I can empathize , because I would have felt the same way about Cayenne . She wants to make sure her kitty is OK . Hobbes is probably going to either Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah ( are you familiar with them ? It is such a awesome place ) or The Cat House in Nebraska . Hopefully we will know for sure in a few days . He 'd fallen off a railing around a deck when he was 18 and just out of high school , just getting ready to enter the army . The deck wasn 't high , it wasn 't a far fall , but he landed in such a way as to break his neck . Instead of entering the service , he entered intensive care and then a rehab center , where he learned to live with paralysis . I earned something like $ 4 . 80 per hour and worked about 30 hours a week , bathing him , feeding him , doing light housekeeping and meal preparation , taking him grocery shopping on the weekends and picking him up after work ( someone else drove him to work on days I was in school ) . I got up at 4 : 30 AM to bathe and dress him and feed him breakfast before showing and getting ready for school , then driving almost an hour to the vocational school I attended . In addition to my hourly wage , I got room and board . The state paid most of my wages , out of some program designed to keep severely disabled people out of nursing homes and off Medicaid and welfare . He paid the rest , as well as paying for my room and board . I was surprised to find out that although he had a good job and good health insurance ( provided through his job ) , he had to pay out of pocket for a lot of his medical supplies , like catheters and dressings . He also had to buy a wheelchair accessible van and a home that was wheelchair accessible . I remember thinking then how expensive it was for him to afford his disability ( not that he had a choice about it ) and that he was lucky he had such a good job . I remember wondering what happened to people that couldn 't afford their disabilities . Well , I am not in my 40 's and I have learned that most people with serious disabilities don 't have good jobs and can 't afford nice homes . I knew the man I worked for was lucky even back then , even when I was just 18 and still in high school , but I know it even more now . And I know what happens to people that can 't afford their disabilities . According to one source I found , Americans spend an average of 17 . 6 % of their income on health care . That 's a lot , I think . Some sources say it 's less , more like 11 % . I had trouble figuring out which number might be most accurate . But this year I think I spent a little over 25 % of my income on health care , much of that related to my disability . And my income is low . I am above the poverty level , about 200 % of the federal poverty level , in fact , by income , but geez . Have you looked at the poverty level guidelines ? They are low . Service dogs are expensive . Isaac is a big part of my health care expenditure . But he 's not the only cost , not at all . I don 't understand how our country expects people with low incomes to pay so much out of pocket for health care . It shouldn 't be this expensive to be disabled . I just picked up a dog on the side of the road . He was soaking wet , very dirty and his fur was very matted . He was very friendly , though , came right to me when I called him and was happy to hop in my van . could scan him for a chip but of course he didn 't have one . So I left him there and they will try to find his owner or else to find him a home . It seems obvious he belongs somewhere because he is so friendly and is used to riding in a car and also walks nicely on a leash . If only he had a microchip , he might be back home already instead of at the shelter . Microchips are not expensive and it is a simple procedure . They are injected , like giving a vaccine . I saw Whiskers get hers and it didn 't appear painful at all . They are the best way to make sure a lost pet gets back home . Of course a dog should have tags , too , but those can get lost . A microchip can 't . Posted by Isaac and I went for a walk in the morning and he took a dip in a lake and got all wet and muddy and smelly , so he had to get a bath . I also brushed him well because he has been shedding like crazy lately and I brushed his teeth . He was all prettied up . He was snoozing when I announced it was time to leave for church because he tends to go to bed early , but he was happy to get up and go somewhere , anywhere , so off we went . We got to the church a little early and I chose to sit near the back , at the end of a pew near the wall . But there was room to get in and out of the pew by the wall . I just didn 't want to sit on the center aisle . Isaac lay down by my feet , partway under the pew in front of mine . It didn 't take long before he was sprawled out on his side , snoozing away . When the service started and everyone stood up to sing , he lifted his head and started to get up , but I gave him the hand signal for " lie down " and he went back to sleep . At one point during the service , he moved closer to me and rested his head against my leg . But he was quiet and unobtrusive and the people in the pews in front of and behind mine didn 't even know he was there . At the end of the service , a few people noticed him as we were exiting the pew and the leaving the church . But I think most of the people in the church never even knew there was a dog there . I 'm not positive the pastor even realized Isaac was there , even though he 'd told Mike it was OK for me to bring my service dog . Before the service started , the pastor was going around shaking hands with people and he reached around Mike to shake hands with me , but I 'm not sure he noticed Isaac lying on the floor at my feet . If he did , he didn 't mention the dog at all . The music was nice and candle light was lovely . It 's a really beautiful , ornate church , with stained glass and stuff . It was gorgeous in the candle light . There was no need to be in special seat or anything like that . Isaac was very , very tired when we got home . He went directly to bed and actually let me sleep until 7 : 30 this morning , which is most unusual for him . So the man called the police . This happened in Michigan and in just a few weeks a law goes into effect in the state of Michigan making it a misdemeanor to deny access to someone with a service dog . The man wanted to office that responded to explain the ADA and the new state law to the owners of the gym . Instead , the office said he didn 't know anything about the new state law ( which goes into effect in about three weeks , mind you , which he will be responsible for upholding and enforcing ) and instead suggested the man just find a new gym to go to . The owner of the gym now says she and her husband are " getting up to speed " on the laws . Well , the ADA has been in effect for 25 years , so they 've had ample time to get up to speed . She also says they just did not know what to do . Well , how about complying with the law and not discriminating against people with disabilities , to start with ? Or maybe calling the ADA Info Line , the number of which was given to her , and asking what to do ? But she says she mean no harm . She violated the federal law and discriminated against a disabled veteran . Well , I 'd say that 's harmful . A few days ago , Isaac and I were hiking in a local park with a friend . Isaac was off leash and he really needed to run . We 'd gone on walks the previous two days , but not anywhere he could run off leash . He was racing around super fast . You could just see he really , really needed to run . Then , off in the distance , we saw a couple other hikers , with a dog . Isaac saw them and started off in their direction . I got out my whistle , which is what I use to recall him , and blew . I wasn 't very confident he was going to come . Another dog is about the greatest distraction ever , except maybe food . Or deer poop to roll in . Anyway , I thought there was a good chance it was going to take some doing to get him to come back to me , or else maybe I 'd have to go get him . It rained all day yesterday . It was raining this morning , too , but by afternoon , the sun was out . I knew it would be all muddy but I also knew Isaac really wanted a walk . I decided to go to a small park with a lake where he could swim , because it is so warm . 60 degrees here , three days before Christmas . So I let him off the leash . He ran around , sniffed things , peed on things . He started getting farther away from me than I liked , as well as closer to the road than I liked . So I blew the whistle to recall him . Quite a few people have suggested to me that the first church I called , the one that said I could bring Isaac but we would have to sit in a special reserved seat , was not trying to discriminate or make me uncomfortable but was trying to be helpful . Well , I don 't know what their intentions were . You would assume a church would want to be helpful and welcoming , but then , many churches refuse to allow people with service dogs to attend at all , so those churches do not intend to be helpful or welcoming . So that is not the intention of all churches . And yes , segregating a person because they have a disability , insisting they must sit in a special reserved seat when everyone else gets to choose any seat they like , is discrimination . Offering to reserve a seat or asking if I would need a special seat , that would be offering to be helpful . But insisting I sit in a special seat when I do not need or want a special seat ? That is discrimination . The U . S . Department of Justice even says it is discrimination . Under the Americans with Disabilities Act , it is illegal for a business to do that . But of course , churches are exempt from the ADA , so they are allowed to discriminate . The fact that it is legal doesn 't make it helpful , though . The thing that surprised me is that many of the people suggesting the church just wanted to be helpful and that I was being unreasonable have disabilities . I 've written before about how bigotry can be internalized and this is yet another example . I am unreasonable for objecting to discrimination . The people discriminating against me are not unreasonable . I should appreciate them just allowing me to attend their church and not expect to receive equal treatment . Well , no . I don 't appreciate discrimination and I don 't find it helpful . Not at all . Last year I posted about how I was thinking of going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve but was unable to find a church where I could take Isaac . It wasn 't that I found a bunch of churches that said no service dogs allowed , it 's that I wanted until the last minute to call and then either no one answered the phone in the church office or the person that answered didn 't know if they allowed service dogs or not and the person that would know was not available to ask . I called six different churches and then gave up . I live in a pretty rural area and there are only so many Catholic churches within a reasonable driving distance . There is actually only one Catholic church in my entire county , and of course , not all Catholic churches have midnight mass and I really wanted to go to midnight mass , not an earlier service . I don 't want this post to be about religion , but I will say that I am not Catholic , I am not even Christian , but I have always thought it would be interesting to go to midnight mass on Christmas eve . I just wanted to see it . And I 've heard the music is lovely . I do not support the Catholic church for many reasons and certainly would not donate any money to them . But I 'd like to go to midnight mass one time . So anyway . I decided to plan ahead this year . I started making phone calls today to find out where I might be able to attend midnight mass with my service dog . And no , churches are not required by law to admit service dogs . They are exempt from the Americans with Disabilities Act , which means they are permitted by law to discriminate against people with disabilities . Some churches welcome people with disabilities , including those with service dogs , but they are not required to by law . It is up to each church . If you want to read what the U . S . Department of Justice says about why that , you can read it here . A Catholic acquaintance tells me that the American Council of Catholic Bishops has made some sort of statement that service dogs should be welcomed in all Catholic churches , but I don 't have a link to that statement so I can 't verify it . It 's probably true , though . But probably not all Catholic church employees or volunteers are aware of it . So some would probably tell me I couldn 't bring my service dog and maybe I 'd have to produce the statement from the Council of Catholic Bishops and try to convince them they are wrong . And this is not a battle I want to fight since I 'm not Catholic and do not want to attend church on any kind of regular basis . I called the first church on my list , whose website stated they have midnight mass on Christmas Eve . The women that answered the phone did not know if I could bring my service dog or not and put me on hold . When she finally returned , she said I could , but she needed my name so that they could reserve a special seat for me . I asked why they needed to reserve a special seat and said I did not need a special seat . She said they had to reserve a special seat up front since I would have my service dog with me . I told her I was uncomfortable with that , that I did not need or want a special seat up front , and that if they would insist I sit in a special seat , that I would just check with another church . She said OK . Apparently it was just fine with her if I did not attend . So I called the next church on my list . They do not actually have a midnight mass but one at 10 pm . Which Isaac would actually prefer , because he does not like staying up late . The woman that answered the phone said she was pretty sure it would be OK but asked me to hold on while she checked to make sure . She came back and said it was fine . She said she hoped she 'd see me there . Posted by And it is working wonderfully . Unlike last time I had a tooth pulled , I am having no pain at all . I 'm sleepy and getting ready to lie down for another nap . Whiskers is pleased with all day napping . But my mouth does not hurt one bit . It was a lovely day today and I am sure Isaac would have enjoyed a walk . But I gave him a new beef knuckle bone to entertain him . Whiskers finds napping on the couch with me entertainment enough . Posted by When I saw the audiologist about my dizziness , I had a hearing test . I was informed my hearing is excellent , no hearing loss at all in either ear . I didn 't realize I was worried about my hearing until I got that news and discovered I was re . lieved . If you 've never had a hearing test ( this was my first ) , it is usually done with the patient in a little booth , about the size of a phone booth ( remember those ? ) , which is soundproof . The audiologist sits right outside the booth and there is a window so you can see out and you wear headphones and can hear the audiologist and she can hear you . Without the window , it would have felt claustrophobic to me but since there was the window , it felt OK . I planned to have Isaac in a down stay in the exam room near the audiologist while I was in the soundproof booth . When I sat down in the booth , however , Isaac got up and walked over to the door of the booth and looked in at me . He looked worried . I told him it was OK and to go lie down . Instead , he came into the booth with me . I don 't know why he didn 't want me in the booth without him . He does not have separation anxiety . Once recently he was happy to have my acupuncturist take him outside to go potty ( because he waited until she was almost done putting needles in me to announce that he had to poop right away and she generously offered to take him out ) . He was also happy to lie in the hallway outside the little x - ray room at the dentist office recently . The door was open but he was not in the room and couldn 't easily see me . He was fine with that . The audiologist said it would be all right for him to be in the booth with me so I had him lie down at my feet . It was crowded . He didn 't care and neither did I . I don 't think I ever posted about the outcome of my visit to the ENT and the audiologist , but I was diagnosed with something call benign paroxysmal positional vertigo , or BPPV , which is apparently a very common cause of dizziness and usually very easy to treat . And sure enough , the treatment seemed to help . For a couple of weeks , I was dizziness - free and loving it . Also , Friday I had a horrible muscle spasm in my neck . There was this giant knot on the right side of my neck and I could hardly turn my head . I tried heat , my TENS unit , stretches , everything I could think of , and nothing helped . Saturday morning , I was miserable and desperate . I decided to go to urgent care . The physician 's assistant touched the knot , said " Wow ! " and seemed most impressed , and prescribed 20 tablets of a muscle relaxer . I was amazed she gave me that many . Apparently she thought my knot was really , really something . It was huge . I mean , you could feel it . Maybe even see it . Like having an egg - shaped lump on the side of my neck , made of muscle . I took one tablet and by the next morning , the knot was almost gone . It was a normal muscle knot , anyway . The kind I get in my neck and shoulders all the time . My neck hurt , but it was a normal pain for me , not something I felt I needed urgent care or prescription medication for . Then Sunday night , I had another really bad dizziness episode . Couldn 't stand up . I took my blood pressure and it was 79 / 49 . Tried it again a bit later and it was 78 / 48 . I debated going to the ER . Finally decided not to , partly because I thought they would just give me IV fluids and I didn 't think I was dehydrated and just didn 't think they would be able to do anything to really help , and partly because going to the ER would have meant walking out to the car , driving to the hospital , walking from the car to the ER , etc . And I couldn 't really stand up . Definitely not long enough to do all that walking , and I wasn 't sure it was a good idea to drive when I felt like that . And then I had an anxiety attack . I think the anxiety was about feeling anxious and guilty and stuff I needed to get done , including some articles I was already late finishing , and feeling anxious and scared about how dizzy and sick I was feeling , and feeling depressed and alone about not being able to go to the ER because I was too sick to drive myself there . And yeah , I could have called 911 and gone by ambulance . I didn 't want to . How would I get home if I did that ? Anyway . I ended up crying , and Isaac brought me my medication , and I took some , and then I got down on the floor with him and lay down with him and he rolled over for me to rub his belly . And then Whiskers came over and licked tears off my face and curled up next to me and purred for a while . And after a while , I felt better . I need to call the audiologist back because I probably need another treatment for the BPPV ( I 'll have to explain what that is later ) . Wednesday I have to have tooth pulled and I 'm trying to get prepared for that . So it 's also been busy . Isaac and I met the nicest little boy at the library today . He was about five . We were leaving at the same time he and his mother were leaving , and he hurried to hold open the door for us . It 's a training kit to teach dogs to hunt for shed antlers . I dunno if he 'll learn to do it or not . I hope so . I think it would be fun . He really likes finding bones when we go hiking . Why not antlers ? He is not actually a big fan of antlers for chewing . Apparently he is one of the few dogs in the world that doesn 't like to chew on them . But he could still hunt for them and enjoy finding them . Then I can give them to friends that have dogs that actually like to chew on them . A couple weeks ago I was at the Medicaid office , standing at the window waiting for my gas voucher . A family with a mom , a dad and a little boy about three or four came in and the little boy made a beeline for my service dog . He ran right up to Isaac and was nose - to - nose with him , hugging his head , before I realized what was going on . I was talking to the employee at the window about my gas voucher but I stopped whatever it was that I was saying , bent down to look the little boy in the eye , and began giving him my standard lecture for kids that pet or hug or otherwise touch Isaac without asking . It 's a lecture I 've given maybe a dozen times since I 've had him . I 've given my adult version of the lecture many more times . The little kid version of the lecture goes something like this . " It is not OK to pet a doggie you don 't know without asking first . It is never OK to touch a doggie you don 't know without asking because you don 't know if he is a nice doggie or not . " I don 't get into the issue of distracting a service dog because the most important thing for little kids is not to touch any dog without asking . Then her husband reached into their cart and pulled out a squeaky toy , which they must have been buying for their lab . It was a toy Isaac would destroy in about 30 seconds . He waved the toy in front of Isaac 's face and started squeaking it ! Isaac got a beef hock today and there were all these little bits of crunchy smelly stuff in the package , which he likes . Apparently Whiskers likes that stuff , too . They shared . Here is a sample letter for a landlord from a doctor or other health care provider stating you are disabled and need a service dog . A similar letter could be used to state you need an emotional support animal . The letter should be written on letterhead and dated , of course . And of course , you 'd put in your own name and list some of the things you have difficulty doing . Note that the letter does not need to say what your disability is , just that you are disabled . Dear Landlord : Kelly is my patient , and has been under my care for about six years . She meets the definition of disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act as well as the Fair Housing Act . Due to her disability , Kelly has a number of functional limitations . For instance , she has difficulty bending forward to pick up items from the floor or to remove laundry from the clothes dryer . She may have difficulty retrieving medication or a telephone if she needs to call for help . In order to alleviate these difficulties and to enhance her ability to live independently and to fully use and enjoy her dwelling , Kelly needs a trained service dog to assist her . A specially When I rented the car , I was informed that the rental company had a no pets policy , which seems to be typical of rental car companies these days . Isaac was there with me at the rental car office and the employee that was assisting me said something like , " Of course , I see you have a service dog and that 's OK . " He said , " I 'm just going to write on this paperwork , customer has a service dog , " and I saw him write it . I had a sheet with me and I covered the entire back seat with it , not just the flat part you sit on , but the back of the seat , too . Fitted sheets work great for that , by the way . So Isaac never sat directly on the seat the whole time I had the car . When I returned the car , I did notice a small amount of dog hair , mostly on the front driver 's seat . Where Isaac never sat , of course , because while he is very smart , he cannot drive . That hair had been transferred to the seat from my coat . Which would have happened even if Isaac had never been in the car , because my coat would have still been in the car . I said , " Yes , and no pets were in the car . However , my service dog was in the car . He is allowed in the car , because the Americans with Disabilities Act says he is allowed . " I added , " I think that small amount of dog hair will be easily removed with normal vacuuming . " I was annoyed . I hope they do not end up trying to charge me for the dog hair because it really was not a lot of hair and should be easily removed if they vacuum , which I assume they do between customers anyway . Posted by So I thought about that . Surely there were women there when Jesus was born . I mean , Joseph didn 't deliver that baby . Men didn 't have anything to do with birthing babies back then . He would have been in the inn , probably getting drunk , while his son was born . Women would have attended Mary . They would have summoned a midwife if possible , and midwives were wise . You had to be wise to deliver a baby in a barn with no modern medical stuff available and have both mom and baby come through the birth healthy . You 'd have to be wise to do that today , and women are better nourished today and have better prenatal care . Plus Mary was a teenager , so her birth would have been riskier than that of an adult woman . If there was no midwife around , other women would have attended Mary . Most women knew about birth back then . Maybe the innkeeper had a wife or daughters . They could have been wise . But the real story of Jesus 's birth would have been that women helped deliver him , and it would have been bloody and smelly and , well , real . I know you don 't see that in the nativity scene on the church lawn . But I 've been at births . I know . And I know Today I am thankful for many things . My life is far from perfect and there are things I lack , things I want , things I wish were different . But there is still much for which I am thankful . And today I chose to focus on those things . Isaac , of course . For all the ways he helps me . For his joyful energy . For his constant , unconditional love . And I am thankful he is recovering well from his leg injury . Whiskers . I did not want a cat . But she wanted me and she is playful and cuddly and so much fun . And I am grateful I was able to give her the care she needed and the home she deserved . For all the friends , as well as some strangers , that donated money to allow me to go to Nebraska to get Whiskers and bring her home . All my friends . I am going to name some specifically , but I know I 'll miss some , and I am truly thankful for them all . The friend that sent me , Isaac and Whiskers a care package recently . Which arrived in five installments . Full of treats for all of us , including catnip mice for Whiskers , a bone Isaac thinks is just terrific , sugar free candy for me , warm socks for me , lavender Epsom salts for me , and many other goodies . Isaac also truly enjoyed the visits from the UPS guy . The friend that sent me what she called a " winter hike in a box , " a package full of warm winter hiking gear . My acupuncturist , for providing the most pain relief I 've gotten from anything in years . My car insurance company . I 'll share - it is State Farm . When I was recently involved in a minor accident , the insurance agent took my report , arranged for a tow truck and a rental car ( and the rental was covered in full by my insurance ) and , as much as possible , made a stressful situation easier to cope with . The traveling Isaac and I got to do over the past summer . Visiting a good friend in Michigan . Visiting a friend and her service dog Jake in Nebraska . Today I was practicing Get the Juice with Isaac , where he gets me a juice box from the fridge . He is now obsessed with getting me juice . Every time I start to tell him to do something , without listening to see I have a rental car at the moment because Friday I had a minor car accident and my van is in the shop . I have stuff related to the accident to blog about , but not right now . Later . But rental cars . This is the second time I 've had a rental car since I 've had Isaac . Under Title III of the ADA , service dogs are allowed in rental cars . It seems many rental car companies specifically do not allow pets in the cars , but a service dog is not a pet . They are allowed . The first rental car I had , the employee that assisted me seemed unsure when I told him my service dog would be in the car . I told him the Americans with Disabilities Act says he is allowed . The employee looked unsure but said he guessed it would be OK . The current rental car is from a different company . The employee that assisted me informed me that they don 't allow pets but that of course my service dog would be OK . Then he informed me that if there was excessive dog hair in the car , I would be charged for cleaning . Well , yeah , but it would have to be so much hair that normal vacuuming would not remove it . And that is unlikely . I put a sheet over the entire back seat to help keep the seat clean . I am not worried about hair . Whiskers does not even want to play with that toy , but she has been a bit rude to Isaac here lately . Isaac wanted his toy and she was daring him to try to pick it up . So he was afraid to try to get it . Poor doggie . And when he finished telling me about his affinity for labs , he did examine me . It was a pretty quick appointment . He wanted to schedule some testing , which is what I expected to happen . He asked some questions , seemed to be making sure my dizziness and other symptoms were not likely to be caused by something like a stroke or a brain tumor ( I already know they were not ) , and then said he thought the best thing to do was to do some tests to see if there is something wrong with my inner ear ( s ) . Which made sense to me . So still no answers and no treatment , but they were able to schedule the testing for next week , which seemed really quick to me . And I will see the doctor that same day , right after the tests , so I will get the results and hopefully we will have some answers then . The first thing the new ENT doctor says upon entering the exam room : Oh ! A lab ! I love labs . I had one but I lost her in May of 2014 . She Isaac : I have a real affinity for you , too . May I sniff your crotch ? And then I 'd be happy to help you out by catching that fly buzzing around your window . Isaac seems to be feeling better today . When I took him out to pee , he lifted his right leg to pee on some bushes , which meant a lot of weight was on his injured left leg . Until now , he 's been lifting his left leg to pee so his weight was on his good leg . At the moment he is busy gnawing on a knuckle bone , but he is pretty unhappy that I won 't take him for a walk since it a gorgeous day here today . I heard him yelp and then he came back to me limping . At first he wouldn 't put any weight at all on his left back leg . Then he started walking on it sometimes , but not all the time , but still limping . We must have been at least half a mile from our car and I was scared I wouldn 't be able to get him back to the car . I thought about trying to carry him but he weighs nearly 80 pounds . There is no way I could carry him . I was considering calling a friend and begging him to leave work to come help me , but Isaac seemed able to walk as long as we went slow , so that 's what we did . We went to the vet and he as a lot of swelling and a nasty scrape on that leg . Fortunately nothing is broken and the vet does not even think anything is sprained . He has anti - inflammatory medication and unfortunately for him , he I get questions a lot like can you get a service dog for depression ? For generalized anxiety disorder ? For Tourette Syndrome ? For asthma ? Insert your disability here . When determining whether or not you qualify for a service dog , it doesn 't matter what your disability is . What matters is how your disability affects you . It 's a matter of how severe your condition is , not what your diagnosis is . A real simple example is that of visual impairments . Many people wear eyeglasses . But most are not disabled by a visual impairment . With their glasses , they can see all right . Some people , though , have such poor eyesight that glass don 't help or that , even with glasses , they cannot see very well at all . They have trouble doing all sorts of things due to their poor eyesight . They are blind or visually impaired and are considered disabled . The same can be said for many , many conditions . Lots of people with PTSD are not disabled by the condition . Many people have anxiety disorders , and maybe they see a therapist or take medication for it , but they aren 't disabled . They are able to do daily tasks with little or no assistance . Some people , though , are unable to manage basic tasks due to their severe anxiety and they are disabled by the condition . Lots of people have diabetes but are not disabled by it . They have to watch what they eat and maybe they need to check their blood sugar a few times a day and maybe they take medication or even insulin injections , but they are able to see and hear and think and communicate and concentrate and breathe and all those basic life activities just fine . Some people , though , have severe highs and lows with their blood sugar and for some reason aren 't able to feel it when their glucose drops dangerously low ( I sure feel it , but some people , often children , don 't ) , and it can be life - threatening . They might be disabled by their condition , even though many people with diabetes are not . I could make a list of disabilities for which someone might have a service dog , but it would be a super long list , and I 'd be sure to forget to include some conditions . The bottom line is that it depends on how the condition affects you . If you 're not sure if you are disabled by your condition , whatever , that condition is , that is a conversation to have with your doctor . Today at the Medicaid office , Isaac made friends with the cutest little girl . She was probably three or four and as soon as she spotted Isaac in the waiting area ( he was conked out on his side sleeping ) , she announced to everyone , " That dog is sleeping ! We should not be too loud . That dog is sleepy . We won 't yell so we won 't wake him up . " lost a tooth , and some other stuff I didn 't quite understand . At one point I heard her tell him , " You 're my friend . I like you and you like me . You are my friend now . " It was absolutely adorable . bout my experience . It turned out he knew why I wanted to speak to him and was already aware there had been a problem . I think maybe the eye doctor told him how I 'd pointed out to her that she was violating the Americans with Disabilities Act by asking why I need a service dog . The office manager told me that he 'd done some research after my visit and that he was aware that he asked the wrong question or phrased it the wrong way . He was able to tell me what the two questions are that the staff is allowed to ask under the ADA . He did try to tell me that they were only asking because they wanted to make sure they provided the best possible care for me . I addressed that , pointing out that if there is concern one of the eye tests could trigger seizures , they should be asking all patients if they have a history of seizures , not just those with service dogs since many people with seizure disorders will not have service dogs . He agreed . He also mentioned diabetes and was aware that there are service dogs that help people with diabetes ( usually type 1 diabetes ) and he himself pointed out that most people with diabetes won 't have a service dog so it is important that they ask all patients if they are diabetic . He told me that they all thought Isaac had done really well , he 'd been very well - behaved and was clearly well - trained , and he was welcome there any time . He asked me some general questions about service dogs , like how long it takes to train them and things like that . He told me I was their first patient to come in with a service dog and I said I understood that and that I know people usually do not mean to be intrusive or to offend and that I just wanted to be sure they understood both the law and how to deal with patients with service dogs in a sensitive and respectful manner . I remember reading about a study once in which researchers offered both black and white dolls to both black and white children . Both the black children and the white children preferred the white doll . That is telling , right ? Well , people with disabilities internalize ableism , too . They internalize prejudice and sometimes discriminate against others with disabilities . Also , they sometimes cooperate with people that want to discriminate against them . Another service dog handler , not an EMT , who also thinks service dogs should not be allowed in ambulances . She informed me I would be risking my life if I insisted on taking my service dog with me in an ambulance and said she thought the paramedics should refuse to transport my dog . Besides risking my life , I would be inconveniencing the paramedics , who would have to disinfect the ambulance after transporting my dog . Another service dog handler who said a group of five friends , all of whom have service dogs , should not have gone to eat in a restaurant together with their service dogs . A group of disabled people with service dogs is too noticeable and might intimidate some people . Plus , that much dog hair would be a health hazard . Later , she said a regular restaurant would be OK but not a buffet , because of the dog hair . The U . S . Department of Justice has clearly said that people can take their service dogs in ambulances , to emergency rooms and to restaurants , including buffets . Now , if someone feels it is risky to take her service dog in an ambulance , or doesn 't want to inconvenience the paramedics by making them disinfect an ambulance that has been exposed to dog hair ( they must clean the ambulances anyway , right ? I sure hope so ! ) , or doesn 't want to take his service dog to the ER , or is uncomfortable being noticed in a restaurant or prefers not to dine out with other disabled friends - well , they are not required to do so . But does it surprise you that these people , who have disabilities and service dogs , hold these beliefs and argue vehemently against the rights of fellow service dog handlers ? It surprised me . This is internalized ableism . Posted by at her . " Get over here ! Leave that dog alone ! That dog is working , you can 't pet him . You can 't bother a working dog . Get over here right now ! Don 't make me come over there and get you ! " While I usually appreciate parents that tell their kids not to bother working dogs , I 've never had a parent yell at their kid about it like this . I hate when parents yell at their kids . It 's a trigger with my PTSD . And it seems so rude . Would they talk to anyone else that way ? And if not , what makes them think it is OK to talk to their kids like that ? He said yes , so I asked her if she would like to say hi to Isaac . She did . She petted him really nicely and I told her his name . Isaac is so cute . He heard me talking to Whiskers ( telling her to leave it , which was about as effective as you would imagine it would be ) , so he got out of bed and suggested I talk to him , too . I did , and petted him , and then he got his Kong and brought to me to ask if I would put a treat in it for him . I informed him that we were not going to play Kong because it is night time , so he shrugged , dropped the Kong , and trotted back to bed . He totally knows what " it 's night time " means . Many people have told me I am brave . I have said , repeatedly , I don 't think I am that brave . My friend , the one going through a serious illness , is brave . It takes a lot more courage to face that than to shave my head , especially when I know my hair will grow back . My hair has always grown quickly . I was thinking about it and I wonder if , were I to tell people I was shaving my head because I had a serious illness that was making me lose my hair , would they still tell me I am brave ? Or would they feel sorry for me ? I bet it would be the latter . And they might also be a bit afraid that they might catch whatever serious illness was making me lose my hair . It is brave to do something so unconventional . It 's brave to stand out . But I don 't want everyone telling me I 'm brave and wonderful for doing this . That 's not why I did it . That 's not the point . This was Isaac 's first experience at a hair salon , by the way . He treated it like any other public access situation . I allowed him to say hi to the woman that shaved my hair , because she really wanted to pet him . Turns out she had to euthanize her cat last week . In addition to petting Isaac , she kissed him and nuzzled his face and let him kiss her and nuzzle her neck . It seemed very important to her to pet him and I was happy to let her . Posted by I sighed and said , " You know you aren 't really supposed to ask that , right ? Under the Americans with Disabilities Act , you are only allowed to ask two questions . You can ask if it is a service dog and - " Well , I knew that . Which is why I didn 't answer . But apparently she was in need of some education , so I wanted to offer that to her . She was not interested in being educated , though . If that was true , then why not just ask that ? And why not ask it of all clients ? Why assume only clients with service dogs might have medical conditions ? If that was true , shouldn 't they ask all clients if they have a history of seizures ? Not all people with seizure disorders have service dogs . In fact , probably most don 't . Two years ago , though , when I was there without Isaac , no one asked me about seizures . I don 't think she was really asking in order to get medical information . If she was , well , there is a better , more appropriate , more respectful way to collect medical information . And a way that doesn 't violate the ADA . Note that when I went to the ER recently , the day after my eye exam , in fact , no one there felt the need to ask why I have a service dog in order to gather the necessary medical information . They just took a medical history , the same as they do for all patients . My primary care physician has never asked why I have a service dog . My rheumatologist has never asked . They just took careful medical histories , like doctors should do with all patients . If none of those medical professionals need to violate the ADA , and therefore violate my civil rights , by asking why I have a service dog , why should an eye doctor need to do so ? Edited to add : And yes , I am going to address this with them . I called the next day to find out who was in charge , who I should speak to . Turns out to be the office manager , the one that first asked me the inappropriate question . Great . But he was not in when I called . I 've tried calling two other times , plus I stopped by once , and have yet to catch him in the office . He must not work very much . But I will catch up to him . I have printed out some educational material to give him and I plan to offer to speak to the entire staff at a staff meeting or training session . Posted by |
Well , it is time to sign off of 2013 and maybe even reflect a little on the progress that Jason has made . It is a little on the strange side to think that we started this year in Bethesda , MD , and yet are now back here in San Diego , CA . He was an inpatient , not really knowing what was going to be happening and now he is nearly healed , and feeling better , AND Gracie , the service dog , has come into his life . The next steps are an upcoming surgery ; the acquisition of a vehicle ; and , having a home built for him . All of this is very exciting , and we are looking forward to getting to a more independent and productive life . Heck , he 's even looking into enrolling into some college courses , just to get his brain working in that direction again . Thank you , to all of you . Over these past 2 + years ( getting close to 3 ) you have been showing support and letting us know you 're there . All your continued prayers have been keeping us strong and helping to keep Jason moving in the right direction . This is the 860th posting for the blog , and though it is short ( I really am kind of tired ) I hope you can feel the appreciation being sent with it . Again , thank you , for all the continued support . Take care and stay positive . This blog to be continued into the next year and probably beyond . Happy New Year - 2014 ! Today has been another of those great days where we didn 't do much but we did enjoy each other 's company . We went to Jason 's formation this morning and because I was guessing it was going to be a shorter engagement at the base ( meaning I really didn 't think they would have classes ) and I guess I was right because at a short while after 08 : 00 Jason called me and let me know that he was done . I met him over at the same place I dropped him off for formation and then we were on our way back to the house . We got back to the house to find the ladies ( Linda and the girls ) all having fun and still in their pajamas . Jason said he wanted to take us all out for breakfast , and then go on to Costco to pick up some things . It was decided to head on over to a restaurant that was close to Costco and that way we wouldn 't have far to drive , after we were done . Breakfast was over , and we all decided that we wouldn 't want to go there again ; service was poor and the food was done poorly . Anyway , we headed over to Costco . We got there is less than a minute ( it was close to the restaurant , remember ) , and there were no parking slots open ; or , at least none that we saw . We quickly realized that there were a bunch of folks out doing their last minute shopping for the new year parties that were going to be happening , and on top of that it was close to a payday . We decided that going to Costco was probably not such a good idea right now , and that we could just pick up a few things at the Grocery store . As a result we simply turned around ( actually not as easy as it sounds ) and headed back to the house . Once at the house we all got going with doing some straightening up of the place , since there were definite signs that Christmas happened just a short time ago . After this was accomplished , the girls went down for a nap . What is really good about that is that they both will tell us they 're tired and want to lay down . . . Really , they do tell us . Linda and I decided to head over to the grocery store and pick up the things we needed , and since Joselyn was now here we could do it without any concerns or worry about time . Thanks to a gift from the ASYMCA ( Armed Services YMCA ) , we had been given a Honey Baked ham , so I said I would cook that for dinner , which I did . It was very tasty , and the best thing was that I didn 't have to clean up afterward . Linda said since I did the cooking she would do the clean up . . . worked for me . The rest of the evening was spent having more fun with the girls and then Jason reading a couple of stories with them . Grandma and Grandpa put the girls down for the night and then we got a chance to just be with the two of us , not doing anything . Not sure what tomorrow is going to bring , but if it is anything like today it should be a very nice one . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We got up early this morning and made ready to head up to Los Angeles to visit with our son David and his family . The only thing was that Jason and Gracie were not going to be going with us . Because of the trouble she is having with her right front leg , the vet said she simply needed to rest as much as possible , and she can only do that if she just stays home . The good news is that the rest seems to have done some good . When we came home this evening she was walking around in a much more normal manner so I am guessing that the pills she has been taking are acting much like an anti - inflammatory medication as well as a pain relief . We 'll see over the next couple of days how that goes . Anyway , we spent the day up with David and Miriam and had a very relaxing and fun time . The four grand kids were great and had a great time together . their ages are ( or will be in a couple of weeks ) 1 1 / 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , and they alternate between David and Jason . . . believe it or not , they didn 't do that on purpose . I was pleased with the drive up and back , as we didn 't experience too much traffic , and only saw a couple of smaller accidents . The accidents still did gum up the traffic , but not to the point that it ruined the trip and we still made pretty good time . Tomorrow Jason has formation , and I know it is the last one for this year because this is the last Monday of the year , and there are no more Fridays . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Kind of a laid back day , with not much going on . We put the trash and recycle bins out last night , but there was still more to put in . Most of it was recycle , and even afterward I found a box full of cardboard that didn 't make it out . That 's okay , it is only one box , and they 'll get it next week . After getting up this morning , I went for a quick ride ( I 'm attempting to stay more dedicated to my riding so that I will be ready for the EOD ride this coming year ) and put in a quick 10 miles . Jason had made an appointment for Gracie , with the vet , so I had to be sure I was back in time to clean up . We left for the vet appointment and once at the doctor 's office we didn 't have to wait very long at all . The doctor is a thorough look at Gracie and couldn 't find anything definitive about why she is limping , but there is a noticeable limp . After he and Jason discussed it , it was determined to provide her with some pain meds and Gracie was to be put on bed rest for the next two weeks . After that we bring her back if there is still a problem and the doc will take another look . There is a high likelihood that x - rays are going to be on the agenda , if she continues to limp . The vet said that she may have just sprained something , but couldn 't identify specifically where it came from . The real important thing was that Gracie was comfortable with him checking , and he seemed to know how to handle her . Other than that we just stayed at home and let the girls play with all their new toys and things . This also gave Linda an extra moment to get some rest , and that is a good thing for sure . Tomorrow we will be headed up to see David , Miriam and the boys , Dylan and Ethan ( our son David and his family ) . The only down part is that Gracie isn 't supposed to travel so Jason is staying home with her . Perhaps that is a better thing , since the house will be quiet and the two of them can get some real rest . Jason has been left alone before , for several hours , and we anticipate this time won 't be any different . Worst case he has his cell phone and Medic Alert within reach . We 've already spoken with David and he understands that we won 't be staying very late , we just want to get some time to let the kids play , and we would like to see the family too . It was the night after Christmas , when all through the house , everybody was resting and not wanting to grouse . All the energy expended ; all the participants drained . Now what do we do , but start over again . The girls came back , to spend the day after with their dad , and Grandma and Grandpa , too . It was Christmas all over again , YEAH ! It 's Christmas take two ! The day was spent with Linda heading out early to go mingle with the day - after shoppers , as this is something she really enjoys doing . She sometimes buys a few things , and other times she doesn 't ; what she really tries to do is just watch the shoppers as they go on their way exchanging or looking for bargains . Jason was engrossed in a program that he found on YouTube , and was happy to just sit back and relax , so I put together a quick breakfast for him and then I took off for a bike ride . I figured that the traffic was going to be lite , and it was , so I was able to comfortably head on out for a 15 miler , and really enjoyed the fact that not too many cars were on the road . It was still pretty early ( about 07 : 45 ) when I left , and traffic wasn 't picking up until I was well on my way back home . Funny thing is , even with low volume traffic , there was this really nasty four car accident right at the end of the ride . Two of the cars were about 50 meters apart and a couple of others in between , and the two that were at the extremes really looked mangled . It was right where I had to turn to get back into the housing complex where we live , so I got a pretty good look . My guess is that it was somebody going way too fast for conditions and was thinking that because of easy traffic they could get away with it . . . wrong . The rest of the day was us taking care of a few things and then Linda and I going back out to pick up a few things , and having a nice quiet lunch together . We found this great little Mexican restaurant and will probably be going back there , now that we know where it is . When we got back Jason wanted to head over to the pet store to get a new cage for Mr . Jingles ( the rat ) , and a few more things . The other cage was getting a little beat up by Mr . Jingles chewing on it all the time , so Jason wanted to set something up where he would be happier and occupied with other things to do , like a wheel to run in . Anyway , we were all back at the house and Linda put out a few more decorations that she found and we just sort of waited for the girls to show up . Of course there was dinner in there and the usual cleaning up of everything , then finally , as I stepped out to see one of the " new " decorations Linda had put up , I saw the girls coming up the walk . Actually more like running up . They saw me come out and yelled out , " Grandpa ! " and started to run up to see me . Obviously they weren 't alone , so the girls came in and Stacy was particularly excited . Stacy 's tooth had come out since our last visit and she was so proud to show us . Then it was down to looking at all the presents under the tree . We were all in the front room and Jason was doing the directing , which made me particularly happy , and he had the girls open up a couple of the presents . We didn 't want to go through all of them because the needed to get to bed ( it was already past their regular bed time ) , and on top of that Jason has an early formation call in the morning and we need to get some sleep too . Jason and I will be heading out early tomorrow and the girls will be staying here with Grandma , and after we get back home , then they get to open the rest of their gifts . Tonight Jason went in to tell them their bed time story and made sure they were all down and settled for the night . Jason has a couple of other appointments tomorrow , so my guess is that we 'll be back home in the morning , though it could be late morning . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Merry Christmas TWO all and to all a good night . . . ; - ) Today has been a very good day for all of us and it started out just as we would want it to . Since there were no kids here , this morning , we all slept in . . . at least for a little while . I was up at about 08 : 00 and went out for a bike ride . Both Linda and Jason were still sleeping and it was a wonderful day out . I got on the bike and went in the direction I normally do , and found that there weren 't too many vehicles on the road . This made it a very nice ride , and I considered it my Christmas present to me . The cool part was that I was feeling pretty good and made the 12 mile loop in almost exactly an hour - and that includes stops for red lights ( there was just enough traffic to trigger a few of the lights ) . I got home from the ride and started to work on getting the two of them up and moving . Just as I was becoming a pest to Linda , my brother called from West Virginia . It really wasn 't a surprise , I was just happy that his timing was excellent . If he had called sooner he might have connected with me while I was out on my ride and then I wouldn 't have been able to talk with him very long . Actually , I did get a call while riding , and I got to talk with my son Sean . I spoke with him for a couple of minutes and then suggested that he call the house - I found out that he did . Anyway , after getting off the phone with Bruce I moved to take a shower and eventually we were all up . After that we headed over to The Broken Yoke and then off to Alpine to look at some properties . We wanted to do this on our own , just to get a feel for the area and to see what was there . We did find a couple of interesting places , but I don 't think they really fit into the scheme that Jason is working towards . We 'll have to sit down with the Realty folks and talk to them about it . Just a few minutes after we returned home I received another phone call , and it was from our son David . He and his family were also enjoying the Christmas Day fun , with their kids , and Miriam 's mom at the mom 's house . We need to figure out a good time when we can all go up and visit with them again , perhaps in a few days or next week some time . The rest of the evening was spent just relaxing and enjoying being around each other . The interesting thing was that the food we at The Broken Yoke was still with me , and I really didn 't feel hungry at all . We still put together a simple dinner , and now we 're coming to the close of the day . Not sure what is going to be happening tomorrow , but I would guess it will be enjoyable . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This morning the girls came running into our room and jumped into bed with both of us still attempting to wake up . Stacy announced that Christmas is tomorrow and we needed to be ready for it . As it tuned out the girls ran back down stairs and I took the opportunity to get up and at least brush my teeth . I was actually planning on going for a bike ride when I walked into Jason 's room and he reminded me that there was an appointment today , this morning at about 10 : 00 . I went back up stairs and let Linda know what was going on and then headed back down to get breakfast for Jason , and the girls . We all eventually got ready and we headed out to the hospital . Linda wanted to get in some last minute visits prior to the Christmas " shut down " and Jason and I to the appointment . The appointment was with Plastics and Dermatology , at Wound Care . Everyone was amazed at how well the wounds were doing and we got a chance to discuss the next steps with the doctors . We are now looking at the end ( or at least the second half ) of February for the surgery that is going to be taking place . As soon as a date is set we will be notified and we can look forward to Jason 's healing process being that much closer to being as complete as we can get it . There was also a second conversation about a conference that will be held , in about a year , and they would like both Jason and I to participate in it . They want a perspective of a patient as well as the care giver , of a very serious injury . Jason and I said we would be happy to help , especially since the purpose of the conference is to bring awareness to others in the medical world . The rest of the day was spent back at the house . We had some time to play with the girls and then they were taken over to the other house , where they will spend Christmas . Effectively it will simply be back on the established schedule , and we 're just going to have to have Christmas a little later in the week . Tomorrow we are going to figure out what we ' er doing , as we get into the day . I have already let Jason and Linda know I would like to go for a bike ride , so that will be in the morning . After that I can 't say what we 're doing . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Merry Christmas to all , and to all a good night ( apologies to Clement Clarke Moore ) . . . : - ) Jason was required to go to formation this morning , as I mentioned yesterday in the blog . The formation turned into a class , so Jason sent me a text and said he would be at a class , but anticipated it would be short . I took the opportunity to go speak to a few people there , and wish them a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays , and the timing worked out pretty good . As it turned out , I was done and back to the building he was meeting at the class , and I only had to wait for about 10 minutes . Actually , I found out , that he was done with the training class and there was a different meeting going on ; one in which he received a few more gifts for the girls . The tree is really looking pretty good with a bunch of stuff for the girls . While Jason and I were at the base ( Balboa hospital and Wounded Warrior Battalion ) Linda was back at the house working on wrapping a few more gifts and a few more decorations . When we got back to the house we picked up Linda and headed over to pick up the girls , it was now close to 10 : 30 . Jason wanted to go and take the girls to see Frozen , the new animation movie , and so we did , with first a stop for lunch . Typically we don 't like to spend money for lunch , because we usually have plenty of food at the house , but this time we felt it would be faster , since the restaurant is right next to the theater . Well , we had plenty of time and the meal was paid for by someone else . An anonymous person covered our bill , and we don 't even know who to thank . The movie was fun , though a little longer than we thought it would be . We headed back to the house after the movie , and the girls went to take a nap - they were tired . Tonight we had a fun and relaxing evening with the girls . We watched a Christmas animation movie , that lasted about 20 minutes , then it was story time and off to bed . Dinner was simple , and that was okay , as it got rid of some of the left overs we had in the fridge . I did get to see some of the Niner game against the Flacons , and was very surprised at the results . I thought the Niners were going to win , but for a while it did look very much like it was going to go the other way around . Tomorrow I 'm not sure what we will be doing , other than tomorrow evening when the girls will be going back to their other house . We won 't see them again until Friday , and that 's when we will have our day of opening gifts . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Apologies , that there was no update yesterday . . . though there really wasn 't much to update about . Jason did take Gracie to her training , while Linda and I stayed in the van . We stayed back so that we could catch up on some of the paper work we had to take care of . Otherwise we stayed at home or went to the grocery store . Oh , yes , and one other thing , Linda and I put up some Christmas decorations up , both inside and outside . So now on to today 's update . Jason spent the entire day in bed , and I was glad to see it . He said he was feeling like he had the flu or a bad cold . By the end of the day though , he was feeling much better . The day was spent wrapping some gifts and getting ready for the girls to come back tomorrow . I did get to watch some football , and it was enjoyable as I really didn 't care who won the games played today . The Niners play tomorrow and that one I really care about . Okay , I do care a little about a couple of the other teams , but only because of how it could impact how the Niners end their season and go into the playoffs , but otherwise I didn 't care much about the scores . Linda was having a great time with the gift wrapping and actually stayed up a little while tonight wrapping some of the packages . Tomorrow Jason has formation at 07 : 30 , so we will be going off early . It is anticipated that the formation won 't last too long , and there really isn 't much else to be done at the base , so we 'll head right back to the house . We may stop and pick up the girls , but that depends on the time . In any event , they will be with us relatively early . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Well , the big day finally has arrived . Linda is coming in tonight and I am happy to see that happen . Actually right now I am just waiting for the flight to get in , and then I 'm headed off to the airport to go pick her up . Jason said he wants to go also , though he is asleep right now . . . guess I 'll have to wake him up . . . ; - ) The day started out like most of the past Fridays , with Jason and I getting out of the house early to get over to the base for his formation . I was even talking to him , on the way over , about why they would still have this formation , this close to the holiday . He said he just had to go , and that the schedule is something that he has to work with . Anyway , as I dropped him off I said I was going to be headed back to the house so I could get a short bike ride in , and that he should call me when he was done . He was expecting to have to attend a training class or two , and that usually means he would not be ready to come back until close to 10 : 00 . As it turned out , about 20 minutes after I got back to the house he did call me . Luckily I had not gotten out on my ride yet , though I was just ready to walk out the door ( actually just putting on my shoes ) . Turned out that there was an activity planned and for whatever reason the message didn 't get back to him , or apparently several other guys who were all trying to figure out what was going on . Everything turned out okay . I still got my bike ride in , and this time I decided to go a little longer , since I wasn 't concerned about having to get back to pick him up . The rest of the morning he just stayed down and after I got back from my ride and showered , we both took off to do a little Christmas shopping . We were gone for a little over an hour , maybe two , and we picked up a few things . We got back to the house and shortly afterward a " new " refrigerator showed up . It is nice to have the refrigerator in the place where it is supposed to be , again . The rest of the day is pretty much just the two of us staying at the house , and me doing a couple of loads of clothes . Now I 'm off to go pick up Linda . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers and take care and stay positive . Another great day for Jason , in San Diego . We had an early start and we were done before 11 : 00 . We came back to the house and I fixed lunch . We both just sort of laid back and watched the TV for a little while . Then I decided that I needed to do something . It was time for tree decorating . Yes , we have had our tree up for several days now , and there are some small decorations on it , all from the girls . I just wanted to have a few more decorations on the tree for when they get back . I also put a few more gifts under the tree , that came in the mail , so now it looks more like the Christmas tree I remember . I think the girls will be excited to see the changes . One of the things that has happened recently is that Jason 's water bottle broke . It was a CamelBak brand water bottle , and was actually the second bottle he 's gone through . I went down to the store today , while he was napping and bought a new , and different type bottle . It has a little greater capacity , and a different pouring system . I am hoping that it lasts as long as the previous two , but just in case I bought two extras . Tomorrow is Friday , and Linda is going to be joining us , to spend Christmas with us . Actually , it will be Christmas and New Years . Both Jason and I are looking forward to her arrival , and will enjoy our time together . The girls are going to be happy to see her too , as they keep asking about when is grandma coming back . I see a time when we 're all together , on a more permanent basis , but I just don 't have a solid date on that . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Kind of a laid back day for us today . We really didn 't do much out of the ordinary , at least not until this evening . Tonight we had the honor of attending a Christmas pageant , at Stacy 's pre - school . She asked us to be sure to come , so we did , and it was great fun . She sang ( well , okay , she and the rest of the class sang ) The 12 Days of Christmas and another song ( right now I honestly don 't remember the name of the song ) . She was very happy to see us there , and the church was packed . It was actually kind of amusing how the parents all acted . Each grade level came up to do their song and each time you would see a few parents come up to make sure they could get some photos . When Stacy 's class came up it looked like each of the student 's parents and grandparents were all trying to get the best shot . As it turned out , Jason and I were fortunate enough to already be in the front , so we had clear shots to get pictures . I 'll post some tomorrow , as I am too tired right now , and I need to get up early . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , take care and stay positive . We met at the hospital , by the flag pole , and then headed out to take a look at the first piece of property . On the way I let Tim drive as I was needed on a conference call with Linda ( and even that call went well ) , so the beginning of the day was continuing to be busy . The funny thing is that at just about the time I was getting ready to hang up I lost the signal and was disconnected . From that point on my focus was on the search for property . I did get some pictures , and a couple of the lots really looked good . I won 't be posting any pictures , though , until a final location has been selected by Jason . On a positive note , one of the properties we looked at today has been rejected , so that at least helps to narrow down the selection . . . ; - ) We plan on doing another trip next week , maybe two , and Jason would like to identify the specific property before the end of the year . We were gone for well over four hours , probably more like six , and Jason was very worn out by the time we got back to the house . He laid down and in a matter of a few hours of resting he was totally sleeping and out . Actually , I would loved to have been able to do the same but conditions were such that it wasn 't going to happen . The girls were very good for me , so that made it so much easier , and by the time the got to bed they were ready to be there . I did do another Rudolf story , and it was another participation type , so it went a little longer than typically others do . That was okay though , as Stacy was able to participate and had a bunch of fun . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today has been a very good and fun day . We got the girls up early this morning because of the need to get Jason to his formation . Still , there was time for breakfast and a little horsing around , and that continued on into the evening , after I picked them up - but I get ahead of myself . After dropping everyone off , and getting back to the house , this morning , I took care of a few things and then got my bike out . I needed to top off the tires , as they were a little softer than I like and then I got all my things together . I was making my final arrangements to get out for a ride when I receive a text message from Jason - he 's done . As a result I put off going on the ride and headed back over to the base to pick him up . While there I also pick up a few things ( med supplies ) and then we head on back to the house . Jason wants to take a shower and have breakfast . I get all this done and then I can go for my ride . The ride isn 't long , but still long enough for me to get a good work out ( 11 . 5 miles ) and then I get back home . I cool down for a few minutes and then take my shower . At this point I head over to the mail box and pick up our mail , including a couple of packages . One of them is a small box from a friend Stephen E . , to Jason , and the other is a package from Nana and Tata , with gifts for the girls . We had been informed that the smaller packages inside the bigger package were already wrapped , so we could open it without concern . The girls were very excited to see the envelops and packages , and helped place them under the tree . Dinner was a simple chicken , rice and vegetables , and the girls did an amazing job of eating everything . Jason also had all he wanted so we were all happy . Tonight , after dinner and staying up a little while , it was time for the girls to get to bed . I did something a little different , instead of telling them a regular story or reading them a story from a book I had them participate in the story and Stacy had a great time . I had fun with it too , and think I might just do that again . The story was about Rudolf and Santa at the North Pole . Tomorrow we will be heading out to check out some land for Jason 's house . Don 't know much about where we will be going , or how long we will be gone . I did set a parameter that we needed to be back no later than 15 : 00 ( 3pm ) , since that is about when I go to pick up the girls . I hope the properties have what Jason is looking for , as this would allow things to get moving towards the building of his home . Stay tuned for more updates tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not a great deal to report on today , other than we had a great lunch with Bob and Debbie Hamer , and a small group of Wounded Warriors , over at Boll Weevil . Generally I have a hamburger when we have gone in the past , but today I tried their chicken . It was pretty good , so I just might try it again when we go next time . It was good seeing Bob and Deb , and they had a Christmas gift for each of the kids there . Stacy and Jackie were pretty excited when they saw theirs . After the lunch we headed back over to the Marine Corps Recruit Depot ( MCRD ) where Jason wanted to get a hair cut . Jason wanted me to just drop him off so I could get on back to the house to get the girls down for their nap . By the time I got the girls down and quieted , and a chance to sit down Jason comes through the door . I was quite surprised to see him get to the house so quickly ; I guess the line was either very short or no waiting at all . Anyway , he wanted to take a shower because of the hair cut , so that was what we worked on . It was his second shower of the day , and he was much more comfortable afterward . The rest of the day was spent doing things with the girls and then preparing dinner . Actually both girls surprised me with their appetites , then again it was salmon and they both do like it . Tomorrow Jason has an early formation , then training , so I 'll be dropping him off first then the girls . I might try to get a bike ride in , as I haven 't gone in several days now . I 'll have to see how things go . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today I was greeted by Stacy , while I was still in bed , and she wanted to know when I was going to be getting up . It is unusual for Stacy to be up and Jackie remaining in bed , but I guess she was tired . Anyway , by the time I did get out of bed ( just a few minutes ) Jackie had come up and now both of the wanted to play on Grandpa 's bed . They like to jump on it , and since it is so much bigger than their beds it is much more fun . I let them play for a few moments then told them they needed to get back down to their room and that I would be done in just a couple of minutes . . . which I was . After breakfast we ( Stacy , Jackie and I ) put together the Christmas tree that was have had for a couple of years now . The girls were very excited , especially since we already have some presents under it . We had a good time or an hour or so and then I told them they needed to get out of their pajamas and into regular clothes , so we could go shopping - Costco specifically . I told Jason that we would be going soon and he said he wanted to go with us . This kind of surprised me , since he said he was planning to stay down all day , but I try to be flexible . As we got into the van Jason said he wanted to go to the hospital , to go visit the new Marine who had recently been injured in a motorcycle accident . He lost his leg , up to the hip when a car ran a red light and hit him - it was a hit - and - run type accident , and I do not know if the other driver was caught . Anyway , we ended up going over there first . The visit was a good visit , and I 'm glad we went . It was good for Jason to get out and go visit another injured Marine , where Jason could provide some support and encouragement . It was also good to meet the guy 's family , and I was able to speak with them for a few minutes . The girls were remarkably good , though they are pretty comfortable being in the hospital now . I was able to have the conversation without too much distraction . The visit lasted for about an hour , and Jason gave them some good information and felt the guy was doing very well , considering that the accident only happened about two weeks ago . When we first got to the base we noticed a bunch of older cars there , and then a rather special one . The Ghost Busters Mobile was also there . None of the actors , just the vehicle . It was kind of neat to see , though the girls didn 't think anything about it . Found out later it was all part of the Toys - for - Tots program that the Marines are involved with . Anyway , we just kind of walked on past it and didn 't even stoop . Our next stop was Costco , and we went in ready to pick up some things . I even had a list that I put in my pocket . I have a regular route I take , when I go through Costco , and today was no different . By the time we were done picking up the cereal we needed I stopped and looked at the list ( first time since coming into the store ) and found that we had in fact loaded up the basket with exactly what was on the list . I felt pretty good because I have a reputation for going to Costco and almost always picking up stuff I really don 't need . We got back to the house and it was past the girls ' nap time . Fortunately we did take the time to stop and get them some lunch , so now as they are saying they are tired we can quickly get them to bed and not have to worry about putting a lunch together . The rest of the day was just a matter of relaxing and enjoying each other 's company . Tomorrow should be another laid back day . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Jason and I got up early this morning , with the intention of Jason going to formation , and then on to the " regularly " scheduled classes , that are frequently a part of Friday formations . When we got to Balboa , and only a few guys were there , Jason knew something was up . He contacted his section leader and found out that there was no formation today , and that the only thing to worry about was the Holiday Party going on tonight over at the Crown Plaza . I was going to attempt to get in a bike ride , but that wasn 't going to be happening this time . What we decided to do was to head back to the house and just go to a movie . Jason wanted to get over to The Men 's Warehouse , but it was still too early for that , and besides , the new Hobbit movie was out , Desolation of Smaug . If you 're in to Tolkien stories you won 't be disappointing with movie . It followed the Hobbit very closely , and they didn 't attempt to put too much of the story into one movie . The down side is that the movie , itself , is quite long , and by the time you see the credits you are probably going to need to find your way to the restroom . After the movie we went back to The Men 's Warehouse , where he bought a couple of new shirts . Actually he only bought one shirt and the second shirt was " free . " It was now past noon so we decided to grab some lunch and then just kick back at home . I went to get the girls at about 15 : 10 ( 3 : 10pm ) , and had them back at the house by 15 : 35 ( 3 : 35pm ) . Why this is important is because at 16 : 00 a Christmas party , for the Marines , was going to begin at the Crown Plaza Hotel , and we didn 't want to be too late . As it turned out we managed to get there at close to 17 : 00 , just before the dinner was served . The party was very exciting , especially for the girls , but I 'm afraid it was a bit tiring on Jason . This has been a busy week , and the party was just a bit more than he needed . We did stay for a couple of hours , and had a good time , though we did seem to leave prior to most of the other folks . There was a nice raffle type door prize , set up for the kids , and both Stacy and Jackie each won . I told them that because it was Christmas presents they would have to wait until then to actually open them . I don 't think they were particularly happy with that directive , but they were pretty excited to see the presents . Tomorrow is going to be spent pretty much just at the house . I think I may go grocery shopping with the girls , and let Jason just rest . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up in a leisurely manner this morning , since we didn 't need to be anywhere until 10 : 30 . I took a shower and went down stairs and asked Jason if he 'd like a bowl of cereal . He said yes , so I brought him one . That 's about when everything changed - Apparently there was a need for Jason to be over at building 26 by 07 : 30 and it was now 07 : 15 . My reaction was , " That 's not going to happen . " I still needed to get my shoes on , and Jason wasn 't dressed at all . Anyway we hurried and were over to building 26 by 07 : 53 , looking for a place to park . Since we were called in , apparently so was everybody else , and they all got there before we did . As it turned out , I let Jason out at the front of the building and then drove off to find a parking spot . I pulled away from the curb , went about 50 feet and right there , in front of the building ( sort of ) was a parking spot , and it was actually very accessible for Jason as well . Typically there are trucks parked in these spots , so I generally don 't even notice them . Well , I went inside and found Jason up on the 2nd floor , where they were giving out goody bags and other things , even a new pillow . After all the rushing to get there , we were done in less than 10 minutes . That was okay , though , as we just went over to the other part of the base and went to talk with a couple of the doctors ' offices to make some appointments . When we went to Dermatology we actually got to speak with the doctors , and felt kind of lucky , since we didn 't have an appointment . They provided us with some updates on what was going on , and a big one was that the biopsy that was taken a few months back , came back with some very good results , allowing for a " next " step in treatment for Jason . The doctor said he had just gotten the information on the results last night , so this was excellent timing . Jason will be going in sometime next month for this next step procedure . We talked with them about other things too , like the medical conference they attended , and Jason happened to be a big subject item there ; next year they might even have Jason attend as a special guest . Wound Care was no where near as exciting , but we did get an appointment set up . Again , it will be sometime in January , and probably much less eventful , other than being able to show them that the wounds are doing well , and Jason is making great progress . By the time we were done with Wound Care it was time to consider heading back over to building 12 , where the big event was supposed to take place , and where we were going to meet with Gary Sinise . As we walked to the van ( it was now parked over in C5 ) we happened to see Gary being escorted over to the main hospital building . We went over and made our greetings , and found out that he was going in to see the Admiral . We were actually invited to come in at that point , but respectfully declined as this was supposed to be a meeting with just Gary and the Admiral . We ended up simply going back to the van and then over to building 12 . Again , parking was an issue and it took us a few extra minutes to get situated . By the time we were set , Gary shows up again so we all walked in together . We went up to the meeting room and all the players got together to discuss Jason 's house and the property where it would be built . Tim , from Trident Realty was there to show us some of the property he has been scouting out and we felt like there was some serious progress being made . Tim and Jason talked about going out next week to check out some of the properties , and see if any of them looked good , or if he needed to change his search process . I think things are looking pretty good , so I don 't see that happening . Once the event was over ( for us ) we loaded up the van and headed up to the second half of that resume class he started yesterday . This afternoon session was particularly important because it was going to allow the guys to practice interviewing , and the interviewers were real hiring managers from some of the businesses in the area . It was interesting for me , since I didn 't sit in on the first class , to sit in the room and simply observe what was going on , and how Jason did . I think all went well , and Jason did well . Tomorrow we get the girls again , and we will be taking them to a Christmas event , down town , at one of the hotels . It is being put on to allow the children of the Wounded Warriors to have some extra fun , and we 're all looking forward to this . Thank you , for all the continued prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to write about today , and probably that 's a good thing . Jason had a single appointment with the Physical Therapy department , and a few appointments with some of the folks over in building 26 ; with a focus on getting all the right paperwork and forms done and in at the correct times . Tomorrow , however , is another story . . . First we have to get the girls up early and over to their respective pre - schools / day care , by , or before , 07 : 30 . After that we will be heading up to Carlsbad for an 08 : 00 start time for a class he will be taking . The good news on this is that the instructor has already been informed that he is likely to come in late . This is an all day class , that he is not expected to sit through . I will be dropping him off and then heading back down to the San Diego home area , to get ready for a job interview ( but that 's all about tomorrow - I still need to update what happened today ) . There really wasn 't much to be done around the house , and besides Joselyn took care of the laundry , so all I really had to worry about was cooking dinner . That being done the girls and I watched Shrek III ( for about the 8th time ) , and they thoroughly enjoyed it . That brought us up to bed time and that took about another half an hour to get accomplished , and now I 'm ready to hit the sack myself . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Jason and I got the girls up this morning and had time to play with them , for a little while , and then got them breakfast . They are two typical little girls , full of energy and they love to play , which includes running around when you 're trying to dress them . I have been known to break out in a sweat just trying to keep up with them . Today , Jason was there to help , and I have learned that what I attempt to do is to get them to agree to clothes , the night before , so that a bunch of time is saved in the morning , and I don 't have to get them to " pick something out . " They had their Cheerios ( that has got to be one of their favorite cereals ) and in a few minutes we were getting loaded into the van . Jason needed to be at formation this morning , at 07 : 30 , so he and I talked and I would drop him off first , and then take the girls to their respective schools . It all worked well , and I decided to just get back to the house . The truck from Father Joe 's was supposed to be arriving sometime between 09 : 00 and noon . I originally planned to go for a bike ride but thought it would be better for me to wait around until they arrived . Finally , at about 10 : 45 I called and was told they wouldn 't be there until 15 : 00 ( 3pm ) at the soonest . About five minutes after that , Jason contacted me and said he was done , and that there was going to be a luncheon over at building 26 . Funny thing is , when I arrived at bldg 26 , he was just getting there , so we walked in together . The San Diego Police were hosting the lunch , so Jason was able to meet some of them , and enjoyed the company of the other Marines as well . We hung around for a little over an hour , then needed to head on back to the house . He had been up for several hours and was ready to lay back down , as well as take a shower and change his dressings . You can always tell how these type events take a lot out of him , because by about 13 : 30 ( 1 : 30pm ) he was asleep , and I didn 't wake him until dinner . . . he ate at about 18 : 30 ( 6 : 30pm ) . Anyway , the rest of the day was relaxed - The truck from Father Joe 's did come by and picked up all the stuff . Linda called and let me know that the weather challenges in New York did not cause her to have to stay there . Actually , as I write this she is probably getting very close to landing back in Oakland . She had a nice visit and I will get to hear all about it tomorrow . Speaking of tomorrow , Jason only has the one appointment , and we should be back at the house relatively early . There are a couple of errands he wants to do , and then that will be pretty much it for the day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason spent most of the day in bed , again , and that is a good thing , as his wounds are really making some positive healing . It seems the more he is down the better the wounds close up . My guess is that there is going to be only one area left in about a week , though that one area has been particularly stubborn . This coming week is going to be different , and fun , as we should be able to start making some headway with the selection and possible purchase of his OWN vehicle . Still a couple of things to work on , but it all looks good . The PackRat storage container , that is currently sitting in the driveway is now empty . I spent a few hours working on it , and even had the help of the girls for a little while . I let them " move " a couple of the very light pieces , and so much of it was different , that it kept them quite entertained . After lunch and they went down for their naps , I was able to finish unloading everything else , mostly because one of the Marines came by and he helped me move some of the heavier pieces . Without his help it would have taken me two to three hours more , so I was very happy to see him . I also set up the donations that we are giving to Father Joe 's Village . When all that stuff is gone we will , again , be able to move around easily . Tonight we had a nice ham dinner , prepared by Serving Spoons , a group of young women who want to help out with preparing meals for the Wounded Warrior families . The food was quite good and the girls enjoyed having something different . The amount of food they brought would have feed a family of 8 , so needless to say , we have some left overs . That 's okay , I 'm already planning on how to have the rest of it , over the next two days . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started out a little different , in that it was raining a little , more of a drizzle than a rain , but then the rain did show up a bit later in the day . Because of the wet weather there was no need for a trip to the training park , and so I made pancakes and fried eggs for breakfast , and we just kind of kicked back for a little while . The only thing I was considering doing was getting over to the Post Office to check on the status of the Priority Package , and it was still a little early for that . When I did get over to the Annex ( that 's where we 're supposed to go , rather than the main post office , which is actually closer . My guess is that it has something to do with the fact that we 're in military housing ) and went to ask about the package , there was this helicopter flying around , closer to the beach area ( we 're only about a mile from the ocean ) with a loud speaker wishing everyone a Merry Christmas . My thought was that they should have picked a different day , or waited for the weather to clear . Anyway , I went into the annex and spoke with the clerk , who didn 't know what to do , so he went to his supervisor to ask . He came back a few minutes later and said that the package wasn 't in , and that the super would be calling me later . I left them my contact information and that was the last I heard from them . I ended up just calling a lock smith , who came and opened the unit , so that I could start to unload . I got about 1 / 3 of it done when it really started to rain . I decided to just go get another lock and would work on it tomorrow . The weather is supposed to be much better and I should be able to get it done , or close to it . It was good to see some of the stuff that was in the container , and now I have a good idea of what I need to do to make everything fit . On top of that I know that some of the items already in the garage will be picked up , and I 'll have plenty of room to make it all fit . The rest of the day was spent at the house , and doing a few things . Then Jason called me in and let me know the girls were coming tonight , to be with us . I was a bit surprised , as I wasn 't expecting them until Sunday , but that 's okay , as I k now Jason really likes to have them around , and besides they 'll be big help when I need to work on the container . . . ; - ) . Actually they showed up just a few minutes before they were to be in bed , and that turned into almost an hour . Jason read them a story and then said good night , and I got them to bed . We 'll see how tomorrow plays out . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Jason had formation today , but instead of a uniform he wore a polo type shirt . It seems that the " required " uniform of the day is something that he simply doesn 't have right now , and his section leader said not to worry about it . So , he didn 't and simply put on something that looked nice , even if it was a little out of place . Anyway , after dropping him off I came back to the house to get in a quick bike ride and did about 11 miles before taking a quick shower and heading back to meet up with Jason . Actually he contacted me before I left the house and asked me to grab an envelop that contained some documents . He was meeting with a VA rep who would be helping secure the financing for his vehicle , and this was the VA grant document . The VA helps to pay for a vehicle , but more importantly they provide funds to help with the required modifications that will need to be done . Actually the meeting went very quickly and we were soon on our way back to the house , where he asked me if I was in the mood for a movie . Since the U . S . Postal Service still hasn 't delivered a package has a needed key , I really didn 't have a great deal to do . The container is still sitting on the driveway with the lock on it , and its one of those locks that don 't get cut very easily , so the best thing is to simply wait for the key . Okay , I 'll quit complaining now . . . I agreed to go to the movie with him , and he wanted to see Homefront , and it was much better than I expected . It stars Jason Statham and James Franco , and both of them played their respective characters quite well ; lots of suspense and a solid story line . I would recommend it if you 'd like to spend an evening with a friend , or even by yourself . We came back and there was a message that an organization was interested in picking up some of the older items that we no longer need . Father Joe 's Village will be coming by on Monday to remove some of the stuff we have in the garage , thus making some room for the stuff in the unit sitting in the driveway . I was actually hoping to get some stuff moved tomorrow , but now that it looks like it is supposed to be a rainy day , I guess I should just be happy the way things have worked out . I 'll give everyone an update tomorrow . We won 't be going to take Gracie to her Saturday training session , since it takes place at a park , out side . The rain is going to impact that as well . We 'll probably go do some grocery shopping , and see what else the day brings . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . After the session we headed over to building 26 , to meet with a few folks , who basically make up some of the support " team " for guiding Jason on what he wants to do with his military career . Jason is thinking that the best coarse of action is to remain with the Marines for a little while longer , maybe as much as a year , and then " retire . " His biggest concern is sitting around with little or nothing to do , so we are all engaged in looking for a solid transition , into a job that he will be happy doing . The nice thing is that financially , with the retirement , he should be set for the rest of his life . He won 't get rich , and he won 't have any debt concerns , as long as he continues to live his life style . What he wants ( needs ? ) to do is find something that he wants to do , and enjoys doing . We 've even talked about setting up a work shop so that he can get more into wood working and create things for people . There are also possible job he could go to , and that is something else to be explored . We came back to the house and I checked the mail , and found that the key to the PackRat storage container on the driveway , still had not come . Linda sent it out Priority Mail ( USPS ) and was told it would be here in two days . It was mailed early Tuesday morning . I tried to go on line to see what was going on but their tools are either not working correctly , or simply don 't fill the need ; and , their customer help line closes at 17 : 30 ( 5 : 30pm ) . I didn 't get all the information from Linda until after that time . I will call in the morning and see if I can get in touch with someone . I am getting to the point where I don 't want to use the post office for anything , and especially if it is important . Tomorrow is an early day with Jason having 07 : 30 formation . The rest of the day should be busy , but I 'm not sure just how yet . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another interesting day , with a busy morning start . We got the girls to their pre - schools after a breakfast of Cheerios ( seems to be their favorite ) , and then we went up to Camp Pendleton , for a USO " event . " Actually it wasn 't much of an event , it was simply a time that was requested by the USO , to interview some of the Wounded Warriors , and how the USO has been a factor in their military lives . Jason was volun - told to be there , and it was strongly encouraged that he wear his Dress Blues . Jason , being the good Marine , did just that , and went through the effort to make sure everything was set up correctly . He looked good , and as we dropped Jackie off ( Stacy was dropped off first ) we headed up to Camp Pendleton . The interview took about 25 minutes , and it seemed like we were the first ones to get there , so actually that was a good thing . As soon as they were set up , Jason was in front of the camera . He had already seen most of the questions , so he was basically ready for what they were going to ask , and he did quite well . We were thanked for coming and we said our good - bye 's , and then we were headed back home . Traffic wasn 't too bad on the return journey , and we made it back in just over 30 minutes . There wasn 't much to do afterward , so Jason took his shower ( wounds looking good ) and then he laid down . We actually stopped for lunch on the way back , so that wasn 't even an issue at this point . Tonight was quiet , since the girls are not with us for the next five days . I did a few things around the house , but it is so much more quiet with no little ones running around . I guess I was just too used to having them here . I only have a few more days and they 'll be back . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started much like many of the other mornings , when we have the girls . We were able to get them to their respective pre - schools / Day Care centers with time to spare . We then headed over to the base , and then I happened to head on in to see CMD Ledyard , Jason 's Medical Recovery Case Manager - she handed me a document that she just recently received and it was something Jason and I have been waiting on , for a few weeks . It is the document that basically says that Jason is capable of driving a vehicle and that with appropriate adaptations he should be allow to go get the vehicle he wants . This is a big thing for him ( and me ) , and now we just need to get things moving with the other aspects of getting it done . The rest of the day was spent with me going over to the VA and taking care of a couple of things . Actually I was pleased with how well it went , and how quickly I was done . The girls were picked up after I finished and we spent the rest of the day at the house , and just enjoying being inside - it was drizzling and generally kind of yucky outside . If I had thought a little more I would have gone to pick up some things and we could have made a batch of cookies . Tomorrow Jason will be going to a USO event , where he and another Marine will be doing something with them to celebrate some of the achievements from the USO ( at least I think that is what it is about ) . He will be dressed in his Dress Blues and I think on stage , responding to some questions . Obviously I will be able to tell you more about it tomorrow , after it is over . . . ; - ) Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Well , it was a busy Monday morning , with getting the girls up and Jason over to formation , though we managed to get everybody to where they needed to be , in the time they needed to be there . After doing all that , Linda and I actually took some time ( FINALLY ) for the two of us to have some time together , just the two of us . We went to breakfast and took over an hour to eat and enjoy each other 's company . Then we needed to get back to work , as Jason 's day was coming to a close at the base , and needed to get back home . We ( Linda and I ) went and did a little shopping and then headed over to pick up Jackie , since we were closer to her location , anyway . After that we headed over to pick up Stacy and she was feeling particularly energetic and wanted to walk back to the house . Linda agreed to go with her , and of course Jackie had to go as well . I drove back to the house and waited for them . We live , literally on the other side of the fence from where Stacy goes to pre - school . One thing that was different for today was the replacement of our refrigerator . Over the past month and a half we have had to call for service three times on the unit that came with the house . It is covered by the lease that Jason has , so with the advent of the third call it was decided that we needed a new refrigerator . The third call happened on Sunday , this past Sunday , and they told me that a new fridge would be coming soon , and we should expect it possibly on Tuesday . I said Wednesday would actually be better for us , so instead it showed up today , while Linda and I were shopping of course . Anyway , the only problem they had was that it was 3 / 4 " too wide . The old fridge had to be taken out ; not sure why , but that was the rule . We now have a refrigerator sitting in the dinning area and an open space in the kitchen . It should be corrected in a matter of a couple of weeks . On top of that Linda packed up a PackRat mobile storage unit and sent down a bunch of stuff to be down here , with some of it being from the boys ( our sons ) and some of it being mine . I need to have it unloaded in a matter of about a week . The rest of the day was spent relaxing , except for the need to pack for Linda . She is going back home tonight , and won 't be back down for a couple of weeks . The flight she took , from Southwest was scheduled to take off at about 20 : 50 ( 8 : 50pm ) , but then they called and told us that the flight was delayed and would be leaving at 21 : 50 ( 9 : 50pm ) . At about 15 minutes later I received another call and now the flight was delayed until 23 : 55 ( 11 : 55pm ) . Needless to say , this made it tough in coordinating a pick up for Linda , when she arrived . Fortunately we have some very good friends at the church and it was worked out . As it turned out we received a couple more phone calls with the time changing again , back to 21 : 50 ( 9 : 50pm ) and finally 21 : 30 ( 9 : 30pm ) . I took her over to to the airport , and she headed back home . Tomorrow Jason has a couple of appointments , an otherwise relatively lite day . I need to get a few things done with the VA ( for me ) , and get some updates going with the different groups I deal with . I hope it is a sign that this holiday season is going to be a real nice one , but I approach with cautious optimism . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This morning started off with a family breakfast and then David and his family had to get going , back up to Los Angeles . It was really nice having them down here for a couple of days , and more importantly giving some time for the cousins to get to know each other . We will see them again around Christmas , so it won 't be too long until we all get together again . The rest of the day was spent around the house . I did spend a little time working on the back yard , and doing a little clean up . At the same time the girls were running around and playing . Other than that it was just pretty much a lay back and relax kind of day . Tomorrow begins another week for Jason and it also marks the date when Linda will have to go on back to Livermore . She will be back down in a matter of a couple of weeks , or so , so we won 't be separated too long . Thanks , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a little different , though it still being a Saturday , and Saturdays are when Jason takes Gracie to training ; so , Jason ( with me driving ) took Gracie to training . The difference with today is that David , Jason 's older brother , went with us , as did Stacy and David 's son Dylan . Unfortunately we didn 't have room for all the kids , so we just took the two oldest . Grandma stayed back with Jackie ( Jackie wasn 't happy about the fact she couldn 't go ) , and Miriam , David 's wife , stayed with their youngest . We all had a great time , even though we " lost " one of the rockets from Stacy 's Stomp Rocket . Stacy stomped on the bladder that shot the rocket into the air , and it went way up , above the trees . When it started to come down the wind caught it and blew it just enough to make it land on the top of one of the trees . David and I did what we could to get it down , to the point of David starting to climb the tree , and the rocket just stayed where it was . Stacy still has three more rockets , so she can still play with it ; we just need to be more careful as to where we are with relation to the trees . Otherwise , Dylan and Stacy had a great time at the park and got to play on the swings and other stuff , while Jason worked with Gracy . After we came back from the park and we were invited by one of David 's UCSD buddies , to an opening of his brewery , in San Diego . It actually isn 't too far from where Jason and I live , so when we came back we dropped the kids off with Grandma ; helped to get them lunch and settled down ( it was close to nap time ) and then we were at the brewery . They had all kinds of different beers there , and David and Jason both seemed to enjoy most of them - I 'm not a beer drinker , and even though I did try a couple , I still thought they tasted horrible . I ended up drinking a soft drink , one of their own creations , and it was very nice . We also saw Anthony and Angelica while we were there , so we had some extra people to visit with , and had a lunch with all the beer tasting . We stayed for about an hour and then we went back home to give Linda a break , if she needed one . The good thing was that when we got home everybody was still napping , so Jason and I decided to follow suit . I guess I slept for nearly an hour and then got up , along with everyone else . David contacted us and let us know he was providing dinner tonight , so that made it a bit easier for us . The rest of the day was fun and relaxed . I got to play with the grand kids and after David and Miriam left with the boys , it was time for Stacy and Jackie to get to bed . Tomorrow we will see them for a little longer , then they will be heading back up to Los Angeles . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Wow , to think that November is just about over and only one month left in this year . It has really been an eventful year and it went so fast . The solidly good news is that Jason is doing so much better and his wounds are so much more close to being closed , and it looks like it is only a matter of time before they do finally close all the way . There are still other challenges that we need to deal with , and he has some heavy decisions that need to be made , and soon , though everything seems to be going in a positive direction . We got up early this morning and the " we " I 'm referring to is me and the two girls . Linda wasn 't ready to get up just yet , so I went down to play with the girls , mostly to let her get a little more sleep . She doesn 't get the opportunity as often as I do , to sleep in , so I thought I 'd try to help her out a little . She got up about an hour later and then shortly after that I went for another short ( 11 . 5miles ) bike ride . When I left the house it was cool outside , and there were clouds , though it was dry on the streets . About at the halfway point it started to rain , and the irony didn 't fail to hit me . It didn 't matter if I 'd turned around or just completed the ride , it was going to be about the same length . For that reason I just continued along the harbor , where I was at the time . When I did get back to the house I was both wet and sweaty , and Stacy made a point of telling me , pretty clearly , that I needed to take a shower . I told her I would after I cooled down . We all took off for Target ( all except Jason , he wanted to just stay down today ) , to see if we could find Jackie a new pair of shoes . When we got there we found that there were only a couple of shoes left , that were in her size ( children 's 9 ) , and we didn 't like either of them . Stacy wanted to know if we were going to be buying her shoes also , but then when we looked , there was only one for her . Anyway , we walked out of the store with no shoes . The rest of the day was spent tidying up around the house and getting ready for David and his family to come over . They were coming at about 17 : 00 ( 5pm ) , or maybe a little later , and as it turned out they were only a little later . I had fixed a nice salmon dinner with rice and vegetables , and Miriam ( David 's wife ) brought the desert . It was the first time to have all four kids at the house , at the same time , and it was crazy fun . Dylan , the older one and Stacy were having a great time . Stacy wanted to show him everything . Jackie wanted to get involved as well , but she doesn 't quite have the skills just yet . Ethan , the youngest was happy walking around pointing at different things and announcing what they were ( he 's 18 months ) . Dinner went over well , with even the kids eating most of what was on their plates , and it was fun catching up with David and Miriam . They finally had to leave , as it was past the boys ' bed time , and about time for the girls to go to bed as well . They are going to be down here for a couple of days , so we 'll see them again in the morning , at about 07 : 30 - I 'll be fixing breakfast . Today started out with a wonderfully bright day and a nice feeling in the air . I got up and wanted to head over to the gym this morning , then found out that the gym in the housing complex was closed . I hurried on back to the house , though I didn 't run , and went back up to the room . It was still about 07 : 30 and the streets were very quiet so I let Linda know that I was planning on going for a bike ride . I gave her a little kiss on the cheek and went out the door . I rode just over 10 miles and was back to the house at just a little after 08 : 30 . When I went back up to the room and woke up Linda she jumped and I guess she thought it was later . We both took our shower and then I headed down to see if Jason wanted some breakfast , and he was interested . We were headed to the Hamer 's for Thanksgiving , and we wanted to be there by 12 : 30 , at the latest , so it was important that he get his shower in early . On top of that the girls were going to arrive at the house at about 10 : 30 , so he needed to get moving soon . Well , as it turned out , Jason was watching Myth Busters , and they had a particularly interesting one with a rocket - car , and he wanted to finish it . As soon as it was over he was headed to the shower , and the girls showed up just a few minutes later . Linda was busy in the kitchen , while all this was going on , fixing a really nice fruit salad that we were taking . As it turned out , we were all done getting ready and dressed and in the car by about 11 : 30 . That turned out to be the right time because we got to the Hamers just a few minutes after noon . We had called and told them that we might be later , yet we arrived before anyone else . Turned out that we weren 't the only ones running a little late today . Within a few minutes of us getting there , everyone had shown up and that was the beginning of a wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner . It was really nice being able to sit around and just relax and talk with all the different people , some of them we knew and others were new friends . The girls were having a great time and even Gracie enjoyed playing in their backyard ( it was good to see her running all over ) . After dinner we all had a nice dessert and then we needed to get back home . The end of the evening was the girls sitting with Grandma and Grandpa , watching Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer . Tomorrow is going to be another exciting day and I hope I am able to get another post out , when it is done . Thank you all , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was another day where Jackie came into the room and asked where 's Grandma , only this time Grandma was here . Linda had hid under the covers and when she heard Jackie ask the question she popped out and said , " Here I am ! " Jackie thought it was wonderful and was giggling and playing all over the bed , and of course , so was Grandma . . . ; - ) We had a nice easy morning and I made breakfast for everyone . It was nice having everybody here , and the way it should be more often . After breakfast I took Jason to his appointments at the base and Linda stayed home with the girls , to get them ready for pictures . When we ( Jason and I ) were done at the base we came straight home and picked up the girls , all three of them , and headed to the photo shoot . The photographer showed a great deal of patience , as the girls were just excited to be doing something unusual , and they both love having their picture taken . Combine these two things and it is play time to the Nth degree . Even with that the photographer managed to get all the shots in and even a couple family shoots with Jason and the girls ( sorry Grandma and Grandpa stayed out this time ) . The rest of the day was spent at home and taking care of a few things , like getting Linda 's phone going again . She now has a phone again , with the same number , and all I have to do is put some numbers into the phone book and she 'll be ready . Other than that , we really didn 't do much except spend the day with each other , though I did have to make one final run to the base to pick up some of the prescriptions for Jason . Not sure what is planned for tomorrow , other than maybe doing some more decorating for the holidays , and that could be fun , I already have the cookies made ( yeah , we didn 't eat them all , yet ) . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Good day today , all the way around . It started out with Jason and I getting up early , so he could get to his formation and before we left Stacy and Jackie showed up and went with us . After we got done with Jason 's appointments we headed back to the house , with Stacy ( Jackie went to her day care and Stacy 's " new " one has closed this week ) , and kind of just laid back for a bit . Jason had his shower and Stacy played with some of her toys . Then at about 12 : 30 the three of us ( Jason , Stacy and me ) were off to the airport to pick up Linda . She came in at about 12 : 30 , so the timing would have been close to right on , if it hadn 't been for all the traffic at the airport . With Linda in the car we went over to have lunch , at the house and Stacy was really happy about Grandma making her sandwich . A short while after lunch we went to go pick up Jackie ( Jason stayed back this time ) and boy was she surprised to see Grandma there . We did a little bit of shopping , and then headed back to the house . Grandma and the girls spent a little time getting the first of the Christmas decorations up and they all had a great time . Even Joselyn ( home health aid ) got into the act and helped with the placement of some of the decorations on the little tree the girls have . It was just nice all around . Tonight , after dinner , Linda bathed the girls and then they went to bed , and then Linda and I had some alone time . The Monday Night Football game was done with the first 3 quarters , and the Niners looked to be in good shape , so I was confident when I told her I would turn the game off . We sat and watched a Robert Redford movie and simply enjoyed each other 's company . It was a very nice evening . Tomorrow is going to be another very nice day , only this time it will begin with breakfast and then off to get family pictures . Thank you , for all the continued support and all the prayers being sent our way . Take care and stay positive . Not much to report about today . Jason and I stayed home most of the day , and I worked on the garage ( getting it organized a bit ) . Jason did go for a hair cut this morning , and other than that we didn 't go anywhere . That 's okay , tomorrow is going to be a good day , as the girls will be coming at 07 : 30 ( maybe sooner ) , and then a little later Linda will be flying in and spending the week with us so it is going to be a very good week . One of the things we want to get done is to return some of the furniture we have , that we no longer need . The crib , for instance . Jackie is in a regular bed now and we simply don 't have a need , or the space to keep it . Jason said he would be contacting some people tomorrow , and so will I . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Well , it looks like we survived that severe weather that rolled through here these past couple of days , or at least that 's what it was called on the news . It did rain pretty good for about an hour , and then off and on for parts of the day , I guess that some of the people around here just aren 't ready for anything but the regular San Diego weather . Don 't get me wrong , I just was taken aback by the announcement of " severe weather " when I just thought it was a little rain . I do understand that it picked up some strength as it went east , and there were some areas that did get hit hard , but around here it stays pretty tolerable . Anyway , we didn 't take Gracie to the training today , because of the rain , yesterday , so I went for an early morning bike ride . I got in 12 miles and felt pretty good , so I guess it is just a matter of finding regular time to ride , and I 'll be back to my 30 + mile rides and feeling much better . Jason spent most of the day in bed , as he wants to continue the healing that has been going on for the past several days . Just a few weeks ago he had five ( 5 ) significant wound areas , and now he only has two , and one of them is closing nicely . I would say that in a matter of a couple of months ( maybe by the end of the year ? ) his wounds will finally be closed . I was talking to him about that today and he sounded confident that he would be getting better and continue doing the right things . I did make a run to the store today to pick up a few things , and while I was there I walked past this display that had been put up ( to attract customers like me I think ) , and I bought a few things needed to make cookies . I made 6 dozen chocolate chip Toll House cookies with nuts , and Jason has assured me they are fine . I hadn 't made cookies in a few years , so I was anxious and almost excited to do some baking . I also picked up a few things to make a single - pan dinner of kielbasa with potatoes and vegetables , and that turned out pretty good , too . The other chores I got accomplished was to hang up some of Jason 's pictures in his room . I would have hung up a few more but I ran out of supplies and I didn 't want to have to go out again ( I 'd already been to the store 3 times ) . I 'll probably end up picking up more supplies tomorrow and hang up a few more , and pretty soon we won 't have any wall space left . . . ; - ) . That 's about all for now , so thank you , for all the support and continued prayers - things are working well for us right now and I have to think it is because of all the prayers and good thoughts coming our way . Take care and stay positive . I got up this morning and checked on Jason - he was fine . It was early so I decided it was a good day for another trip to the gym . I 'm easing into the working out world again , so I mostly work on aerobics and only hit the weights lightly . I still generate a good sweat and when I 'm done I head back to the house . Jason has no appointments so I simply go upstairs and take a shower then come down and help Jason with his shower . After the shower he wants to head over to Best Buy to pick up his new X - box One ( I think that 's how it is written ) . He ordered it a while back , because he didn 't want to have to wait in line to get one . We actually arrived at Best Buy before they were opened , and that surprised us . I would have thought that getting this close to the holidays the stores would all be opening at 09 : 00 at the latest , but not Best Buy - they open at 10 : 00 . Anyway , we didn 't have to wait very long , and once in the store Jason was the second person to get a unit at the Store Pick Up counter . I would guess our total time was about 15 minutes , and a large portion of that time was spent just chatting with folks , outside the store . I know that Best Buy was having some difficulties a couple of years back , along with a few other stores that went belly up , but it looks like they have been able to survive , at least so far . After we had his new toy we went over to the Base , where we had been invited ( all parents and grandparents were invited ) to a turkey lunch . When Jackie saw us walk into her class she was so excited and jumped up and ran over to greet us . She was talking about 100 miles an hour and doing her best to take bites from both Jason 's and my plates . It was great fun until it was time for us to go . Jackie was no longer happy . She thought she was going to be leaving with us and when we had to tell her we were leaving and she was staying she started to cry and ran over to the corner and laid down . The teacher said things like that happen sometimes , so we left . We did get to have our hugs and kisses before leaving , so it was a little better . The rest of the day was laid back , and since it was raining most of the day , that was okay by us . I did clean up around the house in the morning and did a little laundry ( that is kind of a never ending effort ) , so tonight all I had to do was figure out dinner . We had burritos , and I guess mine was a little heavier than I thought it was going to be , because after eating it I quickly felt like taking a nap . It was beans , rice , cheese and chicken , with giant tortillas . . . Jason 's was the same . Not sure what will be happening tomorrow , as typically we go to Gracie 's training , but with the rain it may be canceled . I guess we will see in the morning . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A kind ' a slow laid back day for the two of us . It started out with me going to the gym ( yes , I 've decided that I need to start doing something , since I don 't get to ride that often anymore ) , and burning a few calories . When I came back I showered and we had breakfast - mine was kind of lite , then Jason took his shower and a dressing change . I was particularly pleased with the wounds , in how they have improved . If you look at his wound area , and divide it into quadrants , the " top " two quadrants are completely healed now , and the areas in the " lower " two areas are improving greatly . The challenge is that the skin is so very thin that it doesn 't take much for new ones to suddenly show up . I 've continued to use extra padding in those top areas and hope it continues to help . Anyway , late morning we ended up heading up to Miramar to check out his uniform , Alpha 's , and to see what else he needed to do . It is absolutely amazing how many uniforms he has to have , with one of the big reasons being that he needs his picture taken in it , for his records . He still wants to remain in the Marines , on active duty , and that is one of the requirements . Of course there are a few other things he needs to do , like find a place where they will allow him to work , he only wants to do EOD , and he thinks he knows how he can , but that remains to be seen - stay tuned . . . ; - ) While we were at Miramar , we went into the Exchange for the uniform , and then when we left we took a slight detour , as opposed to going directly to the exit . Jason saw some pajamas on a rack that he thought Stacy would really enjoy , they were Hello Kitty , and they were on clearance ( takes after his mom ) . After that we went searching for other pajamas for Jackie and luckily we found some Princes ( Disney ) pajamas and so we walked out with them . This wasn 't Christmas shopping , it was done because both girls are growing and need new pj 's . The rest of the day was spent here at the house , with the two of us just laying about , doing very little . I did a little cleaning and some laundry , and some cooking , but other than that , not much . Tomorrow should be another easy day , though I do need to do more work around here , and it will again start with a visit to the gym . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today we took the girls to their respective day care / pre - schools , and said our good - bye 's , thinking we wouldn 't be seeing them again for five days . But , as it turned out , Jason was contacted and asked to get the girls tonight , and so we did . It was actually kind of fun , and they both enjoyed the surprise . The frosting on this cake was that Jackie completed her second day with no accidents ( at least up to the point of when we dropped her off ) and she was very happy about it . Jason only had the PT session for an appointment today , and then a few other things to be done at the base , so we had a relatively easy day . Tomorrow is going to be even easier , appointment wise . He and I will be heading over to Miramar to pick up some uniform and probably ordering another one , then we can do just about anything we would like after that . I 'm actually going to bed early tonight and hoping to get the full eight hours of sleep , and maybe even more . The weather looks like rain tonight ( finally ) , and maybe some in the morning . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a very good day for the Ross household . . . This morning , Jackie was up early again , and came into greet me . She looked at me and again asked where Grandma was , and then asked me why I was in Grandma 's bed . I chuckled and said Grandma would be here soon and you ( Jackie ) can talk to her about why I sleep in this bed . She went back down stairs and went straight to her closet , where she keeps her puzzles . Jackie and Stacy both enjoy puzzles , though I 'd have to say Jackie is the bigger puzzle fan . Stacy was still sound asleep , and Jason was still waking up , so I went back up stairs and brushed my teeth and washed up and got ready for the day . I came down and before I got the girls dressed and ready for their day I checked in with Jason and asked him if he wanted some breakfast . I brought him a bowl of cereal and then got the girls up and dressed and then got their breakfasts on the table . We packed up all the needed bags and such and headed out the door at about 09 : 00 ( + / - 5 minutes ) . Stacy went to her class with Daddy , and that seems to be working out well and then Jackie was taken to her class . Jason had a single appointment this morning , and it was actually kind of short - only about 30 minutes . We headed back to the van and then back towards the house . I told Jason that I needed to get the van in for an oil change and to have them check on the tires ( left front had a slow leak ) , and that was where we both ended up going . As it turned out the auto service center found a nail or screw in three of the four tires , with only one of them with a leak . The tire was fixed and all were rotated , along with the oil change and we were on our way . Jason seemed to enjoy the diversion of going to the shop , and doing " manly " things for a change , rather than spending the time with video games or doing stuff on line . We finally got back to the house and had lunch , and I putted around the house for a couple of hours until I went to go pick up the girls . This is where the really good stuff happens . Both of them were happy to see me and then we made a quick trip to pick up a couple of things at the store , and by the time the rest of the day was done , Jackie had not had a single accident that day . She is beginning to get the idea of going to the potty and I , for one , am very happy about it . The down side is that I don 't think there is the same level of support at the other home front , and Jason is working on that . Anyway , tomorrow is another day - Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Apparently , from what I observed , he did a very good job , even with the challenges of incompatible software ( you just got ' a love Micro $ oft ) . Jason is one of those die - hard XP users , and his entire presentation was done on XP , primarily power point slides with animation . The files were sent over to the systems at Balboa , now running on Windows 7 , and things didn 't seem to work as they were supposed to . It was okay though , as he was very familiar with the material and like I said , I heard others talking about it and it was all positive . After I dropped Jason off , I took the girls to their respective day cares and then I went back to the house . My original plan was to go for a bike ride , but that didn 't happen . I grabbed a quick bowl of cereal and then a call from Jason letting me know he was done and heading over to his PT appointment . I headed back over to the base and we met up . I took the time to walk around and work with the folks about his supply orders . The correct orders went in ( this was shown to me ) but what I received was laughable . Fortunately I have enough stuff on hand , and can get other supplies from the hospital , so that we can continue to wait for the provider to get their collective heads on straight . We 'll see how it goes . I am so glad that I have a good working relationship with the people at Balboa . Jason and I headed back home and had a quick lunch and then he rested for a short while . After that he took a shower and then I headed back out to pick up the girls . Stacy was very talkative today and presented me with a " kite " that she had put together , and even demonstrated how it worked . I gave her a big hug and said , " thank you . " Jackie was just happy to see us , as she always is , and then we went back home . Tonight was a nice and easy night , with the big point being bath time , and then a story for bed time . The girls all got to go in and say good night to Daddy and then that was pretty much it for the day . Tomorrow I can sleep in until about 07 : 00 ( I think ) , and then we 're on to other things . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
Characters from books literally leap off the page in this engrossing fantasy . Meggie has had her father to herself since her mother went away when she was young . Mo taught her to read when she was five , and the two share a mutual love of books . He can " read " characters out of books . When she was three , he read aloud from a book called Inkheart and released characters into the real world . At the same time , Meggie 's mother disappeared into the story . This " story within a story " will delight not just fantasy fans , but all readers who like an exciting plot with larger - than - life characters . This book is the first of the Inkworld Trilogy , with the others in the series being Inkspell and Inkdeath . I first was introduced to the world of Inkheart through the movie of the same name , and from watching this numerous times and also mentioning how I would love to read the book my Husband surprised me with the Trilogy . I have to admit that I was a little apprehensive about starting Inkheart , as for the movie to be so good I felt that maybe the book was truly terrible ; thankfully I was wrong . There has also been a lot of debate as to whether this Trilogy is suitable reading for the age group it is aimed at ( 8 - 12 years ) , but as parents are the ones who know their children it is not for me to pass comment in this area . Surprisingly , for a book aimed at this age group , the Author has managed to create characters that are rich and full of life , so much so it almost feels as they may just come off the page and enter the real world alongside the reader . It would have been easy for the Author to just make her characters cookie cutter images and move on with the story , but they endow them with all the personality traits , flaws and weaknesses that go into making us all so uniquely human . Through the book the reader learns about love and loss , hatred and deceit and , although it can become a little dark at times , there is nothing that would make anyone think that these characters could not possibly exist outside the written word ; I think that was the beauty of the book for me . The Author has written a storyline that revolves around characters coming out of the book , and carries this theme into them whether they are major leads or just passing through on their way to another story . The Author skilfully manages to keep any secrets the characters may have well hidden , making them not easy for the reader to guess until they are revealed at exactly the right moment , and in exactly the right way ; a skill that many other Authors of this genre would do well to learn , The world in which the book takes place is also very real , there are no made up locations in this book ; the reader can visualise a place in Europe where all the scenery described is there . With the colourful houses , I was transported to parts of Italy and Southern France which also included the mountains which seem to be always looming in the background in this region . I could smell the ocean and feel the change in the wind when a storm was approaching . This is a book lovers book , whether they like the fantasy genre or not , whether books in this age group are their thing or not . This is a book that understands those among us that love to smell books , don 't break the spines and would be devastated if anything happened to our collections . This is a book that says ' hey it 's OK to be this way . I understand and you 're not alone ' . This is an easy novel to read , and pulled me in totally from about the 4th or 5th page not letting go until I closed the back cover on it two days later . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews . Tagged 5 Thumbs , Adults , Adventure , Books , Bookworms , Children , Europe , Fantasy , Inkworld Trilogy , postaday Review : Ultimate Star Wars ~ Ryder Windham , Adam Bray , Patricia Barr and Daniel Wallace Ultimate Star Wars ® is an in - depth visual feast exploring the characters and storylines from the Star Wars galaxy . This is a beautifully illustrated guide that is structured chronologically and packed full of information about key characters and storylines from the Star Wars movie saga , The Clone Wars , and Rebels ™ . Ultimate Star Wars will get new and old fans caught up and knowledgeable on all things Star Wars . Let me start by explaining the reason behind my four thumbs review , I 'm not a huge Star Wars fan . Don 't get me wrong I enjoy the movies , but I 'm not a fangirl in the same sense or to the extremes others out there are . Having said this , this art book really hit the spot with me , and went a long way to explaining some of the storylines and characters in the movies . This book is sure to appeal to fans of any levels , and maybe capture the interest of those new to this Universe . The book itself is divided into topics that cover things from characters to locations , and these are interspersed with ' key event ' facts and each includes a timeline and a behind the scenes article . Covering all six of the Star Wars films , it also touches on the animated TV series of Clone Wars and Rebels . To say this book has detail would be an understatement , and do it a total injustice . As I said earlier I am not a huge fan , but I found the character pages fascinating ; each has a biography which includes some important events of which they were a part and other little pieces of information on their weapons etc . The major characters , such as the R2 - D2 unit are given a double page spread , as can be seen in the image below , while lesser character may , in some cases only get a portion of the page they are still included and this is part of what makes this a comprehensive guide to the Star Wars Universe . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews . Tagged 4 thumbs , Adults , Children , Clone Wars , imagination , postaday , Rebels , Sci - Fi , Star wars , Teens , YA Review : Symbiosis : A Justice Keepers Novel ( Justice Keepers Saga Book 1 ) ~ R . S . Penney Ten thousand years ago , a mysterious race that we only know as the Overseers took primitive humans and scattered them on dozens of worlds across the galaxy . Now , some of those people have found their way back to Earth . A young Justice Keeper named Anna Lenai has tracked a criminal through unexplored regions of space in the hopes of recovering a symbiont that grants its host the ability to bend space and time . Her search leads her to Earth , where she befriends a young man named Jack Hunter . Together , they will face enemies with advanced technology as they struggle to recover the symbiont before its power falls into the wrong hands . The characters in this book are extremely well written ; they have a depth and feel to them that is rarely seen in a book in the YA genre . The female protagonist is gutsy and strong - willed , but she also has a side to her that she tries to keep well hidden , and which rarely makes an appearance . However , because of the way in which the Author develops her character it is obvious that there are hidden depths to her that will , hopefully be revealed as the Saga continues . I liked this character immensely , she is a strong young woman who comes alive and off the page as events unfolds ; true to life she is not wholly likeable but this only adds to her charm and makes her more alive and real . The man she befriends is equally well written and , in giving both the male and female leads in this book the same careful treatment , the Author creates a novel that will appeal to both male and female readers . Thinking there is nothing new in the YA genre ? Then I highly recommend this book as it will change your mind . Skilfully written and tightly edited it was a pleasure to read and I will definitely be reading more in this saga as it becomes available . My only regret is that this is only available on eBook as I want to add a paper copy to my shelves . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews . Tagged 5 Thumbs , Adults , Fast Paced , postaday , Sci - Fi , YA Reading Challenges ~ Love them or Hate them ? So we are at the beginning of a whole new year and , as is their usual practice , Goodreads are encouraging users to join their Reading Challenge . As much as I like reading challenges , this one is beginning to feel a little stale , so I started looking for something that would be more of a challenge while at the same time opening me up to new reading experiences . Scouring the internet I came across the challenge below that I thought I would share with you , and hopefully inspire you to open up to new reading experiences as we progress through this year . I know that reading a book from the second category on the list is really going to be a challenge for me ! Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Articles . Tagged Adults , Authors , book clubs , Books , genres , literature , postaday Our Own Little Christmas ~ Heidi Peltier Terra woke up alone again this morning , just like she did on Valentine 's Day , and on her birthday , and on our fourth wedding anniversary a few months ago . Either I had left early in the morning , or I had never come home at all the night before . The further into my college education I got , the busier and more preoccupied I became . The first few semesters , I made the three - hour journey to and from the university in Palermo , Sicily , every day . Each night , I would return home to our tiny island home of Isola di Squalo , the island of which Terra was Queen . I would be exhausted from a full day of study and travel , but I would happily fall into bed each night knowing she was right beside me , snuggled in my arms . That alone made it all worth it . But as my classes grew more challenging and my workload mounted , it became impossible to make the trek home every night . I refused to get housing on campus . I refused to accept that I couldn 't go home to her every day . So , for a long time , I would stay in a hotel or crash on a friend 's couch for the night in order to make a late night study session and an early morning class . Finally , Terra convinced me that my best option would be to lease a flat near campus . I adamantly denied needing it , but she could see the exhaustion on my face . She knew I couldn 't keep up the rigorous pace much longer . I swore to her I would come home every weekend , and I did … until once again , the work mounted up , and I was forced to stay one weekend , then two , then three . She 's busy too , I told myself . She has a country to run . She probably doesn 't even notice I 'm not there most of the time . It was a lie , and I knew it . She noticed . I could see it in her eyes when I would return . And I dreaded seeing the pain on her face when it was time for me to leave again . She never cried though , never complained . I think she knew it would only make it that much harder for me . And we both knew I couldn 't give up . She established the Delmar Shark Institute for me . It was an unbelievable gift , one that went against every natural instinct she had . But she did it for me because she knew how much it meant to me , so I was going to earn it . I just never knew the price I would have to pay , the sacrifices both of us would have to make . I 'm almost done , I told myself . It 's almost over . With the college courses I 'd taken in high school and being able to go to school full time , I 'd completed my undergraduate studies in just two and a half years . I gave up competitive swimming to devote my full attention to getting my degree . I immediately started working on my master 's degree and only had a little further to go to finish it . Once I started on my PhD , I could spend a whole lot more time at home working at the shark institute . No more going back and forth every day . No more nights away from home . No more saying goodbye to Terra . I just had a little bit more to go , but she had no idea . She knew I 'd been pushing myself , but I hadn 't really been keeping her up to date on my progress , mostly because I didn 't want to disappoint her if I failed . So , I set my goal and kept it to myself . At the end of November , we had a long weekend break , and even though there was work to do at school , I went home . I had to . I hadn 't seen Terra in three weeks at that point and refused to go another week . I arrived at the palace unannounced in the early afternoon . I peeked into her office and found her slumped over her desk , her head in her hands , crying . I couldn 't bear it . I burst into the room , ran to her , and took her in my arms . She gasped and immediately started wiping her eyes . She plastered a smile on her face and tried to compose herself . " I wanted to surprise you , " I murmured , my joy at finally seeing her being trampled by the sadness in her eyes . " I 'm so sorry , sweetheart . I 'm sorry I 've been gone so long . " That 's when I spotted the note on her desk . It was a message from her brother , Fed . The note told Terra that he would not be coming home for Christmas this year because he 'd be spending it with his girlfriend Ana 's family in Portugal . Terra 's sister , Delphine , had already told us she wouldn 't be coming for Christmas either since she was studying at an art institute half way around the world in Canada . Terra 's parents were both dead , which meant Terra had been sitting here thinking about having no one at Christmas . Surely , she didn 't assume I wouldn 't be here . Or perhaps she did . With her brother and sister both studying out of the country and me gone almost all the time now , she must have been feeling very lonely . And suddenly , my heart was breaking for her . I should have realized . I should have been paying closer attention . I pulled her closer to me and tucked her head under my chin . As I stood there holding her , a plan started to form in my head . I would be home for two full days after this , and then I would probably be gone until the semester ended the third week of December . I was going to make the most of my time on the island and put my plan in motion . Terra had a meeting that afternoon which I knew she couldn 't cancel just because I 'd graced her with my presence unexpectedly . So , in those two hours , I held my own secret meeting with Ilario , Terra 's head of security . He and I arranged everything , and by the time Terra was free , my plan had come together . But she had no idea . For the next two days , Terra and I were inseparable . We spent hours walking through the gardens and by the lagoon . We went into town but didn 't stay long . The friendly people of the island were wonderful and loving , but I hadn 't come home to see them . I wanted to be selfish and have my wife all to myself . I took her for a picnic at Faro di Merrick , the lighthouse hill overlooking the sea where we always went to escape life for a little while . We talked about our future together once I was finished with school . I hadn 't realized until that day just how badly she wanted to start a family . With a baby to take care of , I thought hesitantly , she won 't be alone . I held her in my arms , and we danced to the music of the sea until the sun set . When it was time for me to leave , I told her it was OK to cry because I was crying too . She buried her face in my chest , and I held her until I couldn 't stay another second without being late . I boarded the ferryboat that took me back to Sicily and watched her until I couldn 't see her anymore . Then , I sank into my seat and cried , not caring that the driver and my bodyguard could see . Three excruciating weeks passed as slowly as molasses on a cold day , as my grandma used to say . I worked my tail off and fell into bed exhausted every night . Every morning , I ticked another day off the calendar , counting down the days until I saw my girl again . I finished my work and met with my professors and advisors . I made my request , and they granted it . All that was left now was to pack up my belongings from the flat and get home . I made a call to Ilario , and he got things rolling at the palace . Terra 's personal attendant , Maria , had been tasked to pack Terra 's bag for her in secret . That bag was now stowed in a closet , ready to be thrown into the car as soon as I arrived . I swept into the castle , and Terra was there waiting for me . I pulled her to me and pressed my lips to hers . When I finally let her come up for air , she said , " I 'm so happy you 're home . " I led her to the car , and Ilario drove us back to the docks while I spent the time kissing my very curious wife . I kissed her on the ferryboat , and I kissed her in the car on the way to the airport . Royal decorum dictated that I was not allowed to kiss her in the airport or on the airplane , but I snuck a few in here and there . She asked over and over again where we were going only to be answered with another kiss . I think she eventually caught on to the game and asked anyway knowing she 'd never get an answer . I resumed showering her with kisses in the car when we arrived in Switzerland . And now , here we stand , outside one of the most remote ski resorts in the Alps . The sun has set , and thousands of twinkling white lights illuminate the scene . On the eaves of the buildings , they sparkle inside the icicles that hang there too . An enormous Christmas tree stands just inside the two story high lobby windows , inviting us to come inside . I look at Terra and am mesmerized by the reflection of the lights in her eyes , sparkling like the sunset on the ocean . I can 't help it - I have to touch her . I run my finger gently down her jaw line , and she turns her glittery eyes to me . On Christmas morning , Terra doesn 't wake up alone , and if I have my way , she never will again . She begins to stir , but I wrap my arm tighter around her to hold her in place . I kiss the back of her head and nuzzle into her hair . When we finally emerge from the bedroom , breakfast is already laid out for us on the table . She refuses to let me bring her breakfast in bed , so we sit together to eat . Suddenly , a look of panic crosses her face . " I don 't need any , " I tell her . " This Christmas isn 't about me . It 's about you . It seems like everything has been about me for the last few years , and I 'm tired of that . Come on . " I extend my hand to her and pull her to the living room sofa . " Let me get your gifts for you . " " Hush , " I whisper as I disappear into the bedroom . When I return , I have two packages in my hands . I give her the smaller one first . It 's a necklace and earring set - heart shaped aquamarine stones surrounded by diamonds . I had them specially made to match the ring I gave her four years ago . The blue of the stone almost matches her ocean blue Delmar eyes . She lays the rectangular shape in her lap and begins to tear off the paper . Inside is a black leather folder . Inside that is my master 's diploma . " I didn 't miss anything , " I tell her . " I did what I went there to do , and now I have my degree and I have you . That 's all that matters . " " I 'm talking about you , " I say , pressing my lips to her fingers . " I did this so I could come back home to you . I couldn 't stand being away from you so much , so I pushed myself to finish quickly . I 'm sorry for all the time I 've been gone , but from now on , most of what I 'll need to do can be done at home , at the shark institute . I 'm done , baby . I 'm not leaving you ever again . " Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Short Stories . Tagged Adults , Children , Heidi Peltier , postaday , Sharks , Teens , The Delmar Shark Chronicles , YA The True Meaning of Christmas A Short Story ~ Janice Spina The little girl 's name is Clarinda . She is ten years old with long dark brown hair and beautiful blue eyes . She has never known what it is like to be warm or to have a full stomach . It is two days ' before Christmas and the house is bare of any signs of the holiday . Clarinda woke up this morning and heard someone crying . She got up , grabbed her thin bathrobe and wrapped it around her quickly as she tiptoed over to the door . The floor felt cold under her feet and she felt around for her slippers , tattered as they were , they would be better than nothing at all to keep her feet warm . As she slowly opened her bedroom door the sounds were louder and she realized that they were coming from her mother 's room . Clarinda 's mother , Miranda , was not well and hadn 't been for as long as she could remember . Her mother had progressively gotten weaker since her last two pregnancies with Clarinda 's siblings , Andrew , four and Brenda , two . Clarinda listened as she passed by her sibling 's bedroom to make sure they were not awake and needing her attention before going to her mother 's room . In order to put food on the table for the family , Miranda had to take in washing and ironing for other people , well - to - do people . They paid well enough for her to keep her children in mended clothes and provide some meat on the table at least once a week . Her husband , Holden , had died shortly after their daughter , Brenda , was born leaving her with three children to care for without any money . Miranda sat on the edge of her bed with her head in her hands as she cried . Her mind was whirling since the loss of her husband and she was devastated that she was too weak to continue working to take care of her children . She couldn 't afford to buy food never mind Christmas presents . Miranda looked up as the door to her bedroom slowly opened and Clarinda 's head popped in . " Mommy , are you okay ? Why are you crying ? " Clarinda 's beautiful blue eyes looked at her mother with surprise and concern . They belayed her age and showed a deep intelligence . Clarinda 's eyes mirrored her father 's and only broke her mother 's heart more each time she look at her . The other two children favored their mother with their green eyes and blond hair . " Oh , sweetie , I am all right . Just a little tired today . Don 't worry everything will be fine . Can you be a good girl now and go check on your brother and sister and bring then down to breakfast . I will make your favorite today - pancakes . We have one egg left and enough flour to make a few pancakes . You have been such a big help to Mommy . Now , go on hurry up , honey . " Clarinda left her mother 's room and went to check on her siblings . Andrew and Brenda shared the same room and both were awake and chattering together as Clarinda entered . She told Andrew to get dressed as she changed her sister 's training diaper and dressed her in her pink pants and top . Brenda always wanted to wear pink - it was her favorite color . She smiled her sweet toddler smile after she was dressed and cuddled with Clarinda to say " thank you . " Clarinda loved her brother and sister as if they were her own children ; after all , she had been both a sister and a mother to then since they were born . She did all she could to help her mother but she was only ten and didn 't realize a lot about life yet and what it entailed to raise a family . She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and took Andrew and Brenda by the hands and brought them down to the kitchen for breakfast . The enticing smell of pancakes was in the air and she found herself salivating and hurrying to set the table so they could eat . Their dinner the night before had been meager with a potato and a little gravy made from a soup bone and a piece of bread to sop up the precious liquid . She put Brenda in her high chair and told Andrew to sit down as their mother flipped the first pancakes onto their plates . Clarinda had to cut up the pancake for Brenda and blow on the pieces so she wouldn 't burn herself trying to eat too fast . Brenda made num num sounds as she stuffed the pieces into her mouth as fast as she could . Clarinda took care of her siblings first before taking her first bite and felt herself melting with the delicious taste . Miranda looked over at her children as they ate like it was their last meal . But , she thought sadly , it could be if her health didn 't improve soon . She didn 't know what she was going to do . She didn 't have anyone to turn to and didn 't want to lose her children if she asked the state for help . Clarinda was such a godsend and was already doing so much to help her . Could she ask her to do the washing and ironing too ? No , she thought , she would have to do it herself but have Clarinda bring the basket of clothes to the Antonelli 's house and receive payment . Yes , that is what she would do . Miranda called out to her daughter on her way to her room , " Thank you , sweetie , for cleaning up . I will just rest a little and then I will tackle the clothes and ironing . If you could bring the clothes over to the Antonelli 's after and pick up the payment that would be a great help to me . " " Of course , Mommy , I will be happy to help you . I will watch the kids while you rest . I love you , Mommy . " Clarinda was fearful that her mother was going to die like her father did . She told her mother every chance she got that she loved her , thinking that maybe she would keep her healthy longer that way . She always felt terrible that her father died before she could say , " I Love you , Daddy . " Clarinda could feel tears brimming in her eyes and used her sleeve to wipe them away so that her siblings wouldn 't see her crying . She had to be strong for them . Miranda lay down and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow . She stirred in her sleep dreaming of her husband and his hand was reaching out to her . She reached forward in her sleep to touch his hand but it just seemed too far out of reach . While her mother slept Clarinda kept the children busy as she read several books to them . At least they had books that she managed to get from the library that were going to be thrown away . They were tattered just like the rest of the things in her life . It was nearly noon and her mother still had not woken up . She would have to feed the children their lunch and then tackle the clothes . Clarinda knew that if she didn 't get the clothes over to the Antonelli 's today they would not get paid full price for the wash . She put together the last two slices of bread to make a bread and butter sandwich and split it between the children . While they were busy eating she would start the wash . There was a small basket in the laundry area which was filled with their clothes and the larger basket was the Antonelli 's . Clarinda put in the first load and added the detergent which was getting low . She made sure to use it sparingly so she would have enough to finish all the clothes . While the machine was going she hurried back to check on her brother and sister . Andrew and Brenda were just finishing up the last of their sandwiches and looking for more . Clarinda checked the cabinets once again for anything to fill their little stomachs before her own . She found a few crackers which she doled out to them and ate one herself . That would be the only lunch she would have . She wasn 't a large person but she felt she could afford to lose weight but not her younger siblings who needed the nourishment more . She gave them each a full glass of water to fill them up more before putting them both down for a nap . After tucking them in to their beds she hurried back to the clothes to transfer the clean ones to the dryer and the dirty ones into the washer . At this rate it would take all day to finish washing the clothes besides having to iron them too . Clarinda worked tirelessly for two hours without stopping until she heard Brenda crying . She rushed through the last bit of ironing and shut off the iron . As she headed into the children 's room she was greeted by smiles and happy jumping as Brenda put her arms out to her from her crib and Andrew got out of bed and snuggled close to her side . Clarinda wrapped them both in her arms and held them tightly wanting only to protect and keep them safe - if only she could . She was getting concerned about her mother since she still hadn 't woken up yet . When she opened the bedroom door she noticed her mother 's arm was hanging over the side of the bed . She moved closer and turned on the light on the night stand . What she saw made her cry out in alarm . Her mother was still and not breathing . Clarinda shook her mother 's shoulder and called out her name . Clarinda was afraid that her mother might be gone and never wake up again . The children started to cry as they felt something was wrong when Clarinda cried out and only clung tighter to their sister . Clarinda picked up the phone on the night stand and called Dr . Harvey who was their family physician . When his secretary , Denise , answered Clarinda couldn 't speak as tears kept flooding her eyes and chocking up her speech . The children only cried louder making it even more difficult for Clarinda to hear Denise as she asked what was wrong . Denise waved at Dr . Harvey as he came into the office and pointed to the phone mouthing that it was Clarinda . He picked up the extension and asked , " Clarinda , what is wrong sweetheart ? " Dr . Harvey yelled into the phone to try to be heard over all the crying . " Where is your mother , dear ? " " Sss … . she is in bed , Dr . Harvey . She is not moving and I can 't wake her up . I don 't know what to do . I have to take the clothes to the Antonelli 's or Mommy will be angry and she won 't get paid . Can you come over and help me ? " Clarinda sniffled and wiped her eyes and nose on her sleeves as she tried to hold onto the children at the same time . They were so frightened they wouldn 't let go of her anyway . " Of course , Clarinda , I will be right over . Just sit tight and I 'll come and check on your mother and stay with the children while you take over the clothes . Okay , dear . Please don 't cry now . I will be right there . " Dr . Harvey put down the phone and felt his hands shaking as he took in what the poor child must be dealing with . He needed to get over to her house immediately . He told his secretary to hold all calls and postpone his afternoon appointments and that he would not be in the office the rest of the day . Denise nodded sadly , " Of course , Dr . Harvey . Is there anything I can do ? " " No , Denise , but thank you . I need to find out if Miranda is okay and stay with the young ones . Clarinda is in such a state over the Antonelli 's clothes . I didn 't realize how bad things had gotten for the family . I feel terrible that I could have helped the Davises in some way and didn 't . Could you please lock up after you contact all the patients ? Go home early , Denise , you work too hard and need a break . Thank you for everything . " " No problem , Dr . Harvey . I hope Mrs . Davis is okay . If you need a babysitter I can go over there after I leave here . Call me on my cell . Okay ? " " That is very kind of you , Denise , but I think I can manage . But it is good to know that you are available in case I need you . Thank you . I will see you tomorrow . " Clarinda paced back and forth with Brenda in her arms and Andrew hanging onto her right leg . She kept looking out the window hoping to see Dr . Harvey 's car . It had only be twenty minutes since she spoke to him . He did say he was coming . But she was worried because her mother still hadn 't woken up . Dr . Harvey pulled into the Davis ' drive and got out of his car . He looked up and saw Clarinda in the window waving at him to come in . He could see she was still crying and the children were upset too . He carried his medical bag with him as he stepped up to the door . He didn 't get to knock as the door was pulled open and Clarinda ran into his arms choking back more tears . Dr . Harvey patted her on the back and held her as she cried uncontrollably . He moved into the living room with Clarinda hanging onto him while the little ones hung onto her . He wanted to console her but needed to get into Miranda 's room to check her out . He was concerned that she was close to comatose if what Clarinda said was true about not being able to wake her up . He only hoped he wasn 't too late to help her . " Clarinda , please sit down and try to calm yourself down so the little ones won 't be upset too . Okay , dear . I will go check on your mother and be right back . Why don 't you give the children something to eat while I am gone ? " We … . we don 't have any more food , Dr . Harvey . I gave the children the rest of the food for lunch . That is why I have to go to the Antonelli 's to get paid for washing and ironing their clothes . " Clarinda started crying again and this time couldn 't stop . Her siblings started whining and fussing once " Oh , my goodness , Clarinda , I am so sorry I didn 't know . I will take you over to the Antonelli 's child and then we will all go out to get something to eat . Okay ? Now just sit tight and calm the children down . " Dr . Harvey opened the door to Miranda 's room and flicked on the light . What he saw wasn 't good . Miranda was laying on her side with her left arm hanging over the side of the bed . Her eyes were closed and he couldn 't detect any movement in her chest to indicate she was breathing . He pulled out his stethoscope and bent over her body to listen to her lungs and pulses . Her chest was congested and he detected a light heart rhythm and he lifted up her eyelids to check her pupils which were reacting to light . She would need to be hospitalized with what appeared to be a severe case of pneumonia . Dr . Harvey lifted up the phone and called the hospital to get an ambulance for Miranda ASAP . " This is Dr . Harvey . I am with Miranda Davis and her children . I need your help , Mrs . Antonelli . I learned from Clarinda , her ten - year - old daughter , that she was to bring over your wash and be paid for this service . Is that correct ? " " Well , Mrs . Davis is very ill and is going into the hospital and will be unable to take care of her three children . Do you think you could help her by taking her children in until she is out of the hospital and well enough to take care of them again ? I really don 't know where to turn at this time . They are really in desperate need and it is almost Christmas . Do you think you can help ? " Dr . Harvey waited what seemed like minutes but were actually only " I see . I didn 't realize that Mrs . Davis was sick or I wouldn 't have asked her to continue to work for me . I am sorry to hear that . I also didn 't realize she had three children . I only know of Clarinda . How old are the other two children ? " Mrs . Antonelli 's voice sounded a little surprised by the fact that there were three children to care for . Dr . Harvey continued to persuade Mrs . Antonelli as he said , " Besides Clarinda who is ten , there is her brother Andrew , four , and sister , Brenda , who is two . Life has not been easy for them and Clarinda has been taking care of them all by herself since her mother has been sick . Anything you can do to help would be greatly appreciated . I need to take Miranda to the hospital now so if you could come over here and watch the children or pick them up and take them to your house it would be helpful . Oh , and Mrs . Antonelli , please feed them . They haven 't had much to eat today . " Dr . Harvey was getting a little anxious for Mrs . Antonelli 's answer as he watched the ambulance pull up outside the house . " Thank you , Mrs . Antonelli . I appreciate your help . It will mean a lot to Mrs . Davis too . She is in a bad way right now and can 't thank you herself but I will let her know what you are doing as soon as she is lucid . Merry Christmas , Mrs . Antonelli . " Mrs . Antonelli , Angela , as most people knew her , grabbed her coat off the high coat rack and her keys off the counter and went out to the garage to her Bentley to drive over to Mrs . Davis ' to pick up the children . She was not a cold person but she was anxious about having to take care of three children . She never could have any of her own though she and her husband had tried for many years until she knew it was not to be . She didn 't know if she could do this but to refuse would be inhumane since Mrs . Davis was going to the hospital and had no one to take care of the children . She would just have to do her best and soon their mother would be back in good health . Angela pulled into the drive next to the ambulance and ran up to the door as the EMTs rolled out a stretcher with Mrs . Davis . She moved aside and went into the house and was met by Dr . Harvey . Behind him stood three little waifs who looked scared and lost and so sad . She noticed they had all been recently crying which touched her deeply . She wanted to wrap her arms around them and tell them it was going to be all right . But she found that she couldn 't move and didn 't until Dr . Harvey brought her out of her stupor . " Mrs . Antonelli please come it . Let me introduce you to the children - Clarinda , Andrew , and Brenda . They have been looking forward to meeting you and staying with you until their mother is well . " Dr . Harvey leaned forward and whispered out of earshot of the children , " Thank you , Mrs . Antonelli , for doing this . It means the world to me and to Mrs . Davis . Clarinda will pack up some clothes and things for herself and her siblings and be ready to leave shortly . Now I need to follow the ambulance and get to the hospital to take care of Mrs . Davis . Thank you again , Mrs . Antonelli . It is wonderful of you to do this . I will contact you to see how the children are doing in a day or so . Take care children and be good for Mrs . Antonelli . " Mrs . Antonelli turned to look at Clarinda but was at a loss for words as she watched the tears flowing from the ten - year - olds ' eyes . It hurt her deeply to see the child in such torment . She offered Clarinda her handkerchief to wipe her tears and watched as the child composed herself and put on a strong front for her siblings who looked on with frightened faces . They were just babies , thought Angela . What was she taking on ? Could she do this ? Angela waved at the little ones and put her hands out to them and they came forward and grabbed onto her fingers as they were visibly trembling from everything going on around them . Angela could see they were confused and frightened and missed their mother . She waited at the door with the children holding tightly to her fingers as Clarinda came back with her hands full of clothes and a few ragged stuffed animals . She rummaged around in the kitchen for a plastic bag in which to put their clothes and two stuffed animals . Now it was time to go to Mrs . Antonelli 's house . She really didn 't know anything about this lady but what her mother had told her - she was a cold woman who didn 't like children and never had any of her own . Would she be good to her and her siblings ? She would protect her brother and sister and not let this lady hurt them in any way . She took a deep breath as she always had to get her strength up and face whatever was ahead . She turned to face Mrs . Antonelli who was holding onto her brother and sister . Mrs . Antonelli looked kindly at Clarinda and said , " Hi Clarinda , it is nice to meet you . I hope you and your brother and sister will be happy staying with me while your mother recuperates . Do you have everything you need ? If not , I will get whatever you need for all of you . Don 't worry about anything , dear . Let me take care of you . " Angela waited to see what Clarinda would say but she just looked at Mrs . Antonelli with eyes full of tears threatening to fall . Mrs . Antonelli beckoned for Clarinda to come forward so they could leave . The children were getting antsy and tired and were hungry . They hadn 't eaten since noon time . Clarinda only hoped that Mrs . Antonelli would feed the children so they would be able to sleep the night through with full tummies . She couldn 't remember when she last had a full tummy at bedtime or any time . Angela led the children out to her car after locking up the house and making sure that Clarinda had a key to get back in case she forgot something . After making sure the children were snapped into seat belts she headed home . She would have to make sure she purchased car seats for the younger children . At least she didn 't have to go too far with them since she only lived a block away and didn 't have to worry about being stopped and fined for not having them in car seats . When they arrived at her house , Angela went to the kitchen and prepared a nourishing dinner for the children . They looked a little pale and underfed and by what Dr . Harvey said they were very needy . Looking around the room at their house she hadn 't seen any signs of toys that children always leave out and about . She reminded herself to make a list for toys and more snacks that kids like on her next shopping trip . The saddest of all was the lack of any Christmas decorations for the children in their house . She would take care of that too before Christmas . In the meantime Angela had a lot to do and for once in her life felt alive and full of purpose and needed . Her husband was expected from work shortly and she would have to call ahead to prepare him for what she had promised to do . Leonard was a kind man and would be more than accepting of their three young visitors . Angela dialed her husband and Leonard answered in his usual gregarious voice , " Hi Doll Face ! How are you ? You couldn 't wait for me to come home - you missed me that much ? Is everything okay , love ? " " Yes , sweetheart , I just wanted to tell you something that I did today . It 's very important and I needed to help and …… " Angela didn 't know how to tell him but finally blurted it out . " I took in Mrs . Davis ' three children , the lady who does our curtains and things over on the next block . She was just admitted to the hospital in a bad way and her physician , Dr . Harvey , called me to help out until she is well enough to care for her children again . " " Sweetheart , whatever you have to do is okay with me . I know you have a kind heart and would take in any stray dog if it needed your help . It is fine with me . How did this doctor know to call you ? Do you know him ? " " No , but he knew from Mrs . Davis ' oldest daughter that she worked for me . He said he didn 't have anyone else to call . I hope you don 't mind , darling . They will be under my care and you won 't have to worry about anything . " " No , I don 't mind . Our house is too big for just us anyway and it would be nice to hear the pitter patter of little feet for a change . Oh , by the way , how old are these children ? " " Well , the oldest , Clarinda , is ten and a real beauty with dark brown hair and beautiful blue eyes , then there is Andrew , a handsome four - year - old with blond hair and green eyes and his baby sister , Brenda , who is only two . She is just adorable with curly blonde hair and pretty green eyes . Your heart will melt when you meet them . They are so precious and so needy . Would you believe that they don 't own any toys or new clothes ? Also , there were no signs of Christmas in their house . It is so sad for children to live that way . Their mother was having a difficult time on her own . I never realized that she needed help . I would have been more than happy to help if she only had asked me . " " I am sure you will do more than enough to help them now that you know they need help , sweetheart . It is good to hear you sounding so happy . I can 't wait to get home to meet them . See you soon , Angela . " Angela put down the phone and continued making dinner , mac and cheese and chicken fingers and mixed veggies . She wanted to make sure the kids got their veggies too . She heard the sound of feet coming up behind her and looked down to see the sweet faces of Brenda and Andrew and close behind was Clarinda . They were looking at the food with such longing that she told them to go wash their hands and faces and come sit down to eat . They hurried along to the bathroom that had been pointed out to them earlier and came back and sat down before Angela could turn back around with the food in hand . The children were sitting down with napkins tucked under their chins and forks in hand waiting expectantly for their much coveted dinner . Angela placed a plate full of food in front of each child and stepped back . Clarinda jumped up and ran over to her sister 's side and began cutting up her chicken and then moved over to Andrew 's and did the same for him . Angela watched in awe as this young girl acted as if she was their mother . Once she had taken care of her sibling 's needs she sat down and began to eat her own food . The children were so hungry that they ate too fast at first and began to choke . Clarinda jumped up once again to aid her siblings and told them to slow down and chew their food carefully . Angela sat at the other end of the table and watched as the children finished every last morsel in their dishes and drank every drop of their milk . " No , we are fine , thank you , Mrs . Antonelli . It was very good . " Clarinda turned to her siblings and said , " Say ' thank you ' to Mrs . Antonelli , Brenda and Andrew . " Leonard had walked in quietly and had witnessed this unbeknownst to his wife and suddenly cleared his throat to get her attention . She rushed over to hug him and then introduced him to the children . They stood up and looked at him not sure what to do or say . Clarinda broke the silence by saying , " Hello , Mr . Antonelli , nice to meet you . Thank you for letting us stay in your home . " She walked over to Leonard and extended her small hand in greeting . Clarinda brought her brother and sister in turn over to Mr . Antonelli and they both shake his hand too . Leonard just wiped his eyes and smiled and said , " It is a real pleasure to meet all of you too . I hope you enjoy staying with us as much as I am sure we will enjoy you being here . " Angela finished up the dishes and told Leonard that she was going to put the children to bed upstairs in the three guest rooms . They had five bedrooms and four bathrooms which they had hoped one day to fill . Now at least they would be using three of them . The children followed Angela up the long winding staircase to begin their unexpected stay at this big strange house . When they were situated in their rooms Clarinda requested that they all stay in the same room since there were two beds in each spacious room which was more than enough for the three of them . She didn 't want to be separated from her siblings and they too would not do well too far away from her either . Once Brenda 's head hit the pillow she was off as well as Andrew . It was the first time they had full stomachs at bedtime . Once she was sure they were asleep she allowed herself to snuggle down under the warm , soft comforter and she , too , fell fast asleep . Angela peeked in at them and tucked them all in and gave each a peck on the cheek . She shut off the light but not before looking fondly at each sweet face in the beds . She felt such a longing and a tightness in her chest that she thought she was having a heart attack . She realized that it was pure joy at finally having children in her home , something that she had always wanted . Angela flew downstairs to her husband and rushed into his arms as her tears fell onto his shoulder . He held her tightly and said , " Whatever happens , sweetheart , I promise you that we will adopt a child once these children go back to their mother . I see now how much you need to have a child and , I have to admit , I need one too . These three are very precious aren 't they ? " " I pray that their mother recovers and can take care of them . I wanted to talk to you about that . Do you think she will mind if we give each child a share of our trust so that they can have enough to eat , clothes to wear and be able to get a good education one day . Maybe we can give them the best Christmas they ever had this year . " " Tomorrow we will go out and start Christmas shopping for the children and decorate the house and get a tree and …… Oh , Leonard , I have never felt happier in my life all due to poor Mrs . Davis ' getting sick . I pray that she will be well soon . In the meantime we will give her children a home with us and do all we can to help her by paying all her bills in the hospital and on her house . No one should have to live as she did . Maybe she would like to live here with us . We certainly have enough room for everyone . We have so much to give and we need so little for ourselves . Up until now I didn 't feel like celebrating Christmas and hadn 't even bothered to put up the tree . But now with these lovely children I want to go all out and decorate from top to bottom . " " Yes , my darling , whatever your heart desires we will do . It is such a joy to see you so happy . But let 's take it one day at a time . We don 't want Mrs . Davis to feel as if we are trying to take over . She may want to go to her own home when she is well . The ringing of the phone startled them as they were lost in their plans . Leonard went to pick it up and raised his hand for Angela to come closer as she heard him say , " Yes , Dr . Harvey , the children are doing fine . They are all tucked in bed and sound asleep . How is Mrs . Davis doing ? Do you know when she will be returning home yet ? " Dr . Harvey explained , " She is very sick but is coming around now and is taking fluids . I hope to see her feeling better by tomorrow in case you want to bring the children by for a little while . They will have to wear masks when they visit with her . We don 't want them getting sick too . She asked for them as soon as she was awake . I told her that you and your wife were taking care of them . She was very pleased and said to tell you ' thank you very much for your kindness . ' " " Yes , we were just discussing that . We want to bring the children by on Christmas Day so they can celebrate the day with their mother . I will bring a dinner for all of us if you care to join us . Will the hospital allow us to do that ? " " I will make sure they do . Don 't you worry about that , Mr . Antonelli . I have a lot of pull around here . Mrs . Davis will be very happy to hear this . It will give her an extra day to recuperate and rest more . This is very gracious of both of you . Thank you . Well , I just wanted to check in on the children . Have to get back to rounds . Hope you both have a good evening and thank you again . Goodnight . " " You are very welcome , Dr . Harvey . Goodnight . " Leonard hung up the phone and turned to his wife and nodded . " It is all set we can go visit on Christmas . The children will be so happy . " Clarinda jumped up from her warm bed and looked around and realized where she was but something wasn 't right . Oh my God ! She just remembered she forgot to bring Mrs . Antonelli 's wash ? How would she get paid so she could buy the children gifts for Christmas ? She must tell Mrs . Antonelli . Clarinda ran all the way down the stairs and stopped at the foot of the stairs when she saw the Antonelli 's hugging and crying . She wondered what was wrong . Were they upset because she and her siblings were there ? They went over to her and took her into their arms and hugged her . Clarinda hugged them back but was surprised at their gesture . She stepped back and said , " Excuse me Mr . & Mrs . Antonelli , but I almost forgot to tell you I finished your wash and left it at my house . Do you want me to go get it so you can pay me ? I need to buy my brother and sister and mother a gift for Christmas . " " Oh , no , dear sweet child . You will never have to wash or do anything like that again . We will take care of you and your siblings and your mother for as long as we live and you will never want for anything . May God bless you all . You will always have a home here , too , if you ever need us . " Clarinda couldn 't say a word she was shocked at what these nice people had just said . All she could do was cry and run into their arms and kiss them and thank them again and again but added , " Can we go visit our mother in the hospital on Christmas Day ? I don 't want her to be alone . " Clarinda looked on the verge of tears just talking about her sick mother . " Oh , dear sweet child , of course . We were going to tell you tomorrow about what we planned to do . We are going to go shopping for new clothes for you and your siblings and buy each of you a present to give to your mother for Christmas . We will bring a Christmas dinner to her and we can all eat together . I am sure the hospital will allow us to eat together so we can celebrate the holiday as a family . When we get back we will go over to your house and decorate and buy some new things for your rooms and for your mother too . We want your house to look like new for when your mother returns home . " Angela had tears in her eyes as she explained their plan . " Oh , Mr . & Mrs . Antonelli , this is the best Christmas I have ever had ! Thank you so much ! Now I can go to asleep ! I can 't wait to tell Andrew and Brenda that we are going to see Mama and celebrate Christmas together . Good night and Merry Christmas ! " Angela and Leonard hugged and cried as they talked excitedly about what they were going to do and buy for the children and their mother for Christmas . They had never remembered feeling such pure joy . They gave thanks to God for bringing these children and their mother into their lonely lives . They vowed from this day on to always give to those in need not just at Christmas time but all the time . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews , Short Stories . Tagged Adults , Children , Christmas , giving , Pay it forward , postaday , Sharing , Short Story , Teens , YA Review : The Mob and the City : The Hidden History of How the Mafia Captured New York ~ C . Alexander Hortis This was a really hard book to give a rating to ; from the content point of view this book would have been awarded a full 4 thumbs as it was obviously well researched , and very interesting reading . It takes everything the reader thinks they know about the Mafia and puts it into context . It dispels a lot of the myth and romanticism that surrounds this group of people and shows them for what they really were . The Book itself seemed to be aimed at those who already have knowledge of the Underworld workings of the mafia , but this doesn 't take away from it being a very informative read for those who are dipping into Mafia history for the first time . Although this book is written very much like a history text ; it includes sociology , economics and geography with some very detailed tables , I couldn 't help but feel that this was just someone 's lecture notes that they had bound into a book . There was an over use of the phrases ' as you will see ' or ' now let us look at ' that just made it feel as if this particular take on the subject of the Mafia was meant to be heard not read . Throw in the overlong chapter subheadings which appear on every page , and you have a writing style that I could only rating as 2 thumbs , and that was being kind . My initial reasoning behind picking this up was an interest in Early New York , particularly the Italian side of things , as I have Family members who lived in this era and area . This book did shed a great deal of light on life in the time period covered by the book , but not enough to give the boost to the rating it so sorely needs . In the end I decided to split the difference between the two above rating points and give it a three . The book was informative , but extremely dull in places which was a shame given the amount of research that had gone into it . Maybe with a stricter editor , who was willing to cut out a lot of the ' lecture ' speak , this could have been a lot less tedious and grating . I would recommend it to anyone that is interesting in this subject , but be warned it may not be what you are expecting . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews . Tagged 3 Thumbs , Adults , Cosa Nostra , Historical , Mafia , New York , Non - Fiction , postaday , Prohibition Post navigation Welcome everyone to my blog ! My name is Cate and I recently decided that , rather than keep my reviews of books I 've read limited to one medium , I would create a blog for every book lover to access on the internet . Why ? Well , because I love to read and also because I want to help out authors by giving their books a spotlight on my blog , and possibly help them reach a wider audience . So take a look around and enjoy yourself ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Again , I do not believe I can list all of the horses that made me who I am today , so this is the next installment in the series . Before we start , I want to say , that as a horsewoman and horse owner now , I would never condone some of my behavior or actions as a kid . I grew up in the 1970 's , given free rein to roam all over our county and some days I would leave the house in the early morning and not return until dusk . I was expected home for dinner , and we had chores , but other than that , we were free to do whatever we could think up . Some of those things were dangerous and deadly , like playing Planet of the Apes with real BB guns , horses and bailing twine nets . We spent a lot of time with neighbor kids , unsupervised . Our horses were always part of that . We also grew up in the West , where kicking your horse in the belly is standard behavior for the farrier , cruel bits were normal and whipping your horse to get results , expected . I have learned to forgive myself for some of the things that I did , but because of events in my childhood , I am also committed to brutal honesty when facing the things that happened , with my horses , as well as everything else . As all things , the events and activities of my childhood helped to shape the woman I am today . They happened and they should be acknowledged and remembered honestly . One of the things I forgot to mention , in 1976 when I was working with Sham ( I was 14 ) I was given a broke down old buggy . I found two motorcycle wheels at a junk yard and managed to piece together harness from rope and bailing twine and I taught that little booger to drive . I used two bits in his mouth , a curb to stop him if needed and a snaffle for most of the time . He would drive all over our county with me and my sister in the buggy seat . Our last drive was to the post office to pick up a package . It was about six miles round trip and he trotted most of the way . As we were pulling into our front yard and preparing to stop , one of the wheels on the buggy locked up and began making the worse noise . Sham bolted . For one brief moment I tried to stop him and then screamed at my sister to jump . She bailed out one side and I bailed out the other . Sham headed across the yard , up and over the 20 ' high pile of chopped wood we had been stacking for winter heat , across one end of the garden , jumped the gate into where the horses were grazing , tore around that enclosure at his top speed while the other horses snorted and fled in terror , dragging the buggy upside down behind him . It ended with him attempting to jump out of the grazing area by going over the wire fence , which he almost made despite the fact that the buggy was being pulled behind him upside down through all of that fiasco . He went down in a billowing pile of dust . I screamed at my sister to get the corn and wire cutters as I raced down the road to grab his head . I hung on an ear , with my hand clamped to his nose until he calmed down . Then we cut him loose , brought him back home and stitched him up . A small three inch tear in the inside of his thigh was the only injury , although we never again tried to use the buggy . Sometimes I think it was a miracle we all made it to adulthood . Crystal : Crystal was Tinka 's last foal . I have no idea who the daddy was , because we did not deliberately breed her due to her age . It might have been our neighbor 's three year old AOne of my favorite memories of Crystal was the day my paternal grandparents came to visit and it was raining . My mother wasn 't home and I really wanted my grandparents to see Crystal , so I picked her up and carried her into the house . She wasn 't in the house for longer than five minutes and was wonderfully behaved and then I carried her back outside . When my mother got home and found out she was furious . I was grounded for something like a week and I was really pissed , feeling like the punishment wasn 't fair because my father had been there the entire time . The next time both my parents were gone , my sister and I took all six horses in the house . We stood Tinka , Sham , Ace and Queenie at the kitchen sink eating grain out of a bucket . Then we took Crystal and Shadow Dancer down to the bedroom and laid them on the bed . ( By the way , not something I would recommend . I have nightmares now about the kitchen floor of our 1940 's built farm house collapsing under the weight and dropping all of us into the coal chute in the basement . This is why I don 't leave T alone with friends ever ! ) My mother didn 't find out for years . My sister finally spilled the beans in the middle of a fight ( we no longer lived in that house and I know longer lived with my mom ) with my mother , which derailed the fight , but got me in deep trouble the next time I saw my mom . It can still make her angry and she probably has steam coming out her ears reading this . ( I love you mom ! ! I was a bad kid . I 'm very sorry . ) I thought I was going to write about Queenie in this post , but there are so many memories surrounding this horse , that I am going to wait . She will be a post all of her own . Maybe two . It 's brought tears to my eyes just thinking of it and I want to do our story justice . So , perhaps tomorrow . Posted by This blog is supposed to describe the important horses in your life . It will take more than one blog to do justice to this topic . At least the stories should be entertaining . Muffin : four year old palomino appaloosa mare . First solo ride . Earliest memory of my father being thrown from her back onto the roof of our old chicken coop . Seabisquit : First pony of my own and probably 20 years old when we got him . He was a complete shit . Hard mouthed . Stubborn . Crafty and mean . I had bruises on my chest from where he double barreled me with his hind feet . I have a Lisfranc fracture on my left foot from where he stomped me . He was my first wreck on my very first ride . He didn 't teach me to be soft - he taught me to be brutal . I broke a wooden gate with my face when he slid to a stop with his head ducked and I flew over his head and hit the gate . He was sold to us by family , which tells you something about my family . I broke my hand falling off of him while playing Civil War soldier . You couldn 't turn him and you couldn 't stop him , even with a gate , and I got a lot of practice finding a soft place to land when he was racing home . Tinka : Bought for my brother , who hated horses . She was a 23 year old Welsh pony and very well trained . I learned to summersault off her back and roll to my feet standing next to her , since she would stop as soon as she felt you move . She was a wonderful ride and my sister did really good on her in 4 - H . Even though she was in her twenties , she gave us two foals , Sham and Crystal , and she did a solid job in 4 - H for 10 years . There was one summer when my sister and I did 4 - H camp in the Palisaides area of Idaho . It was a lot of fun . We spent three days riding all day long and our nights in a cabin with a bunch of other girls . The last full day we had , the camp did a trail ride up into the mountains . I was riding Queenie and D was on Tinka . We got up to the place they had lunch set up for us . We ate and then started back . D and I got separated in the group on our way back . D went with the main trail ride leader and they headed back to camp . The group I was with made a bad turn and we ended up going down a narrow , ravine like creek . Queenie was frantic for her herd mate and made that trip on her hind legs , whinnying non - stop for Tinka . We didn 't know how to get back to the main camp , since our guides were lost and going back up the wet , slick ravine didn 't seem smart . The area around Palisaides is wilderness and we could have been in serious trouble , except for D and Tinka . When they got back to camp and Tinka realized we weren 't there , she turned and headed back out , encouraged by D . Tinka led D to our group , probably called by Queenie 's frantic cries , and then turned and led us back to camp . She was an amazing horse and did a great job for us . Sham : God , I hated this horse . He was half welsh pony and half something else ( QH maybe ) . He was mean from the moment he hit the ground . The first time my brother tried to ride Tinka after Sham was foaled , Sham reared up and struck my brother in the ribs with his ears pinned and his mouth wide open , trying to remove the rider from his mom 's back . He was supposed to be my sister 's horse , but I was the only one stupid enough to try and work with him . He would bite at anything that came close to his mouth . He could cow kick , which meant even up next to his shoulder he could get you with a hind hoof . At one of the 4 - H shows , I was cleaning his hooves and he popped me in the mouth with his hind hoof . ( I ended up getting six horrible stitches in my mouth at the emergency room - four of them fell out before the end of the day - and made it back to show my foal . ) When Sham turned one , he became a hellion . He was a stallion still and I couldn 't keep him in our pasture . I tried hobbling him . Front hobbles didn 't work , he just moved both front feet at the same time . I tried hobbling both front and back . That didn 't work . I tried tying all four feet together in a square about 18 " to each side . This worked briefly , and I was feeling somewhat vindicated in slowing him down . However , after throwing himself four or five times and struggling back to his feet ( I still have no idea how he managed ) that sumbitch figured out how to hop like a freaking jackrabbit . I stood in the pasture with despair in my heart as I watched that like bugger hop over to the fence and then fall into it . You could hear the staples popping off the wood posts as he carried the fence to the ground , rolled to his feet on the other side and took off for greener pastures and in heat mares on the other side . I went after him , brought him back and tied him to a tree . ( Have to wonder why a twelve year old was responsible for all of this stuff , but that 's how it was . The horses were my kingdom . ) Then I fixed the fence . Then I put Sham in a stock corral on the property . By the way , Sham was about 13 . 1h and could jump like a jackrabbit . The top rail on the stock corral was over six foot tall with a irrigation ditch on the back side . Sham reared up and touched his nose to the top of the corral , dropped down and jumped the fence and the ditch on the other side . ( I did jump him informally over a pole placed a top a set of barrels - maybe 3 ' 6 " to 4 ' - and he could clear that height with me on him bareback . ) When I finally caught him , several miles away from home in a pasture with a herd of mares , I took him back and used a single leg hobble and tied him to a tree . I kept him that way until the vet came out to take away his desire . And then , my idiot father who was the FFA teacher at our school , talked the vet into Proud cutting that little bugger . Proud cut is when the vet takes the testicles but leaves the tissue that controls the hormone levels of a stallion . They left that horse shooting blanks , but still wanting to shoot . It did slow down his need to escape - instead he seemed pretty content with his small herd of horses - but it didn 't help with his attitude toward humans . Me in particular . The year my father and mother divorced I was fifteen . All of my sibs went to Southern California to spend time with my maternal grandparents and I was left at home with my horses and a ton of time . My mother and I knew we needed to thin our herd of six and we decided to sell Tinka and Sham . Thus began my summer of riding to produce a horse we could sell . I would start with lunging him in both directions for over an hour . By the end of the summer , Sham was very well conditioned . Then I would saddle him and swing on . At this point in our relationship I was riding him in a snaffle bit and a western saddle . As soon as I was on , Sham would swing his head around and try to bite me . I would jerk his head around and we would spin in a circle until we were both dizzy . Finally , Sham would give and stop spinning , at which point I would straighten him out and he would swing around to bite my other leg . His nose would meet the toe of my boot and then we would spin again . We did that process in both directions several times until he was bored . Finally , I would get him straightened out and he would lean hard on the bit , steady , relentless , and I would shorten and shorten my reins until his chin was almost to his chest . At that point Sham would rear and lunge forward , throwing all of his weight on his head and jerking me forward over his neck , then with vicious forethought , Sham would snap his head back into the middle of my face . He broke my nose twice and my glasses four times that summer . ( I 'm a slow learner . ) I finally figured out how to let the reins slide through my hands when he lunged forward , then met his head with a stout stick when he threw it up hoping to catch my face . At that point I had some semblance of control and we would head for the back 40 where we would ride the edges of the alfalfa and wheat fields ( edges of a 40 acre field ) at a gallop until he was ready to relax and listen . At that point , I could work on walk / trot . By the end of the summer , he was as broke as he was going to be . We sold him and his motheThat was four . Time for a break . I will tackle the other horses of my youth next time . I bought a horse in 1992 . She was a National Show Horse by the name of Keili . She was unregistered , out of Legionaire Domain ( American Saddlebred ) , four years old with horrible ground manners . She wasn 't started under saddle and she hadn 't been handled very much at all . When I went to see her , she flipped her head while I was leading her and smashed me in the head , breaking my glasses . ( That tacked $ 300 onto the purchase price . ) She was the only horse I looked at and I paid $ 700 for her . Everything about that transaction was the absolute wrong way to buy a horse . So , you ask , why did I purchase her ? Because I was stupid and thought I could do anything I wanted with any horse I brought home . And the price was decent for a horse I thought would meet my needs . I got her , partly because I always want a horse , ( it 's a obsession ) and partly because I wanted to do dressage . Dressage to me , at that point , was this elegant , intricate show thing and somewhere in the back of my head I could see myself riding dressage in the Olympics . At that point I knew nothing about warmbloods , OTTBs , or any of the other horses used in Grand Prix and dressage . All I knew about dressage was that it was a way of riding your horse so that it " danced " . I thought a National Show Horse could be a great dressage horse . Keili and I never really clicked . I didn 't realize until several months later , that the BM at the place where I was boarding her , took it upon herself to work her when I wasn 't around . Her methods weren 't gentle , which increased Keili 's psychotic behavior , something I wasn 't understanding . Keili wouldn 't stand tied and the BM decided to put a rope around her belly and run it up through the halter ring . The first time she pulled back I guess she flipped herself through the fence . I think that was the second time in her life that Keili was tied . It left a lasting impression . I couldn 't figure out why this horse kept breaking halters and lead ropes . After a couple of months I was able to ride her , but she never became stable , calm or steady . And there was nothing Dressage about our riding . Usually it was me looking for a soft place to land when she went sideways at speed because she didn 't like the shape of a shadow under a bush . I really think she would have made an Endurance horse , because she would go all day at speed and still have a ton of energy at the end of the ride . I finally sold Keili after she jerked back at the end of a lead rope , thinking she was about to be eaten by a mountain lion disguised as a saddle stirrup . When she hit the end of the rope the railroad tie she was tied to snapped off at the ground and I suddenly had a psychotic mare attached to a 6 foot long , one foot square , 35 pound battering ram . It was like watching your worse nightmare come true . I was pretty sure she was going to kill herself . When the post whacked her in the forehead and she went down , I was sure she was dead . She scrambled to her feet and for once , held still . I got to her and released the rope . She was bruised and nicked up , but no major damage was done . I knew , however , that I was in over my head . I sold her a week later . I had forgotten that barely recognized dream from 20 years ago when I first got Ashke . My focus this time was endurance riding ( and once again I was as ignorant of that discipline as I was of dressage twenty years ago ) and although I have the right breed of horse to do it , I 'm not sure he will ever be sound enough . Nor do I think I want to trot for that long . Ever . So , the point of this post ? I am now riding dressage . I had my first lesson on Tuesday and then I practiced what we went over on Weds and Friday . And the really cool thing , Ashke is doing it . Twenty years later and with my heart horse , I 'm finally learning the beginning steps in this incredible dance . We had a set back today . I met N at the barn at 1 : 30 to ride the Mesa . Unfortunately , or perhaps fortunately , Cali 's LF leg was just slightly swollen and warm . She had a splint there a year or so ago and it seemed like it was bothering her again . The area with the most heat however was the outside of her fetlock , so I kind of wonder if maybe she knocked it into something . N was disappointed , but I told her it was fine if we didn 't ride out . It was better to be safe then to risk a bowed tendon or other issue that might sideline them for several weeks . We decided that I would ride Ashke and Cali could graze . N agreed to take some pics for me . When we got to the dressage arena , I lunged Ashke briefly . He seemed really stiff and sore to me , but he wasn 't favoring any of his steps . He also wasn 't stretching into his walk , like I know he can . After a few turns in each direction , during which he was flawless , I attached the sidereins and lunged him again . I am riding him with N 's Back on Track dressage pad , to help stimulate blood flow and warmth in the muscles that need help . What I really need is a rump rug to cover his loin area to help warm his muscles before work . I have placed the 3 ' by 4 ' BOT pad on my list for Christmas . He was not nearly as good today as he had been last night or on Weds . I rode him for three or four circuits of an about 20m circle , and he did not want to be in a frame . He was struggling to extend his trot and he started doing the headflip , lift his front feet off the ground every time I asked . N wanted me to get some propulsion at the trot , but it was like pulling teeth to get him to move . When I turned him to the left , it became apparent why . He was very lame to the left . Head - bobbing lame . I think I asked too much too soon . I rode him on Tues , Weds and Friday . That was as much as his muscles were going to deliver . Cassandra met me in the barn and I showed her the areas that are effecting Ashke , where his pain is , what 's improved and what 's bothering him right now . She helped me fit his shin boots ( for the trail when he is in danger of knocking his ankles into rocks ) and then helped me with our new dressage bridle . I got it at Dover on Sunday with N , in a cob size , since his face is so refined . When we tried it on , it fit the length of his face and the circumference of his nose perfectly , but the browband was way to small . Cassandra pulled a browband off her bridle for me to use and we got it fitted on him . He looked so darn cute . We went to the dressage arena and I let Cassandra get a feel for him . She lunged him in both directions for a few minutes as we waited for his leg to loosen and warm up . He was pretty stiff on the RH , the same area we 've been having issues with since the cavaletti poles and small jump . As he worked , the stiffness got better and so Cassandra put the side reins on him . He was so good for her . He worked at the walk and trot in both directions and he was soft on the bit . Our only moment of stress was when he backed over the carriage whip and it contacted the back of his right leg . He leapt into the air like a cat and flicked his feet the same way . I really need to do some work this winter with him and ropes . Based on the scars on the inside of his right leg , he 's tangled with wire at some point in the past , so it will take time and patience to get him comfortable with them . After working him in the side reins , Cassandra rode him for a little bit . She asked me if he had ever been ridden in spurs and I told her I thought that would be a really bad idea . He is so sensitive that the extra sharpness of spurs might elicit a response she wouldn 't be happy with . Frankly , I thought he might dump her on her head if she tried her spurs . She was laughing as she took them off . He wasn 't excited about her getting on him , and he snapped at me when he realized he was expected to stand still for her . When she got on , he tried to back out from under her . I was a little worried he was going to rear on her , but he didn 't . He just backed up and got a little bunchy . She took her time and rubbed his neck , talking to him , until he calmed down and then asked him to move forward . He did . Then the most amazing thing happened . He reached down for the bit . Cassandra talked to me about what she was doing while she was riding Ashke . How she was asking him and how she was releasing the ask when he did what she requested . She said he was super sensitive and was doing what she was asking with the slightest pressure . I was freaking impressed . She said he was super smart and had figured it out after being shown one time . She also said he was trying really hard to do what she was asking , but was struggling because it was hard . Then it was my turn . Cassandra was impressed with how much more relaxed and willing Ashke became once I got on him . She took my hands and showed me the amount of pressure I needed to use when I was making contact with his mouth . Then she had me walk and trot , asking him to round his back and move from his hindquarters . She worked with me until I had a walk to trot transitions and a trot to walk transition in either direction with him still lifted underneath me . She showed me and talked me through doing the transitions without him throwing his head up and hollowing his back . It felt amazing . He was amazing . We have something to work on for the next couple of weeks , as long as I can remember how to do what she was telling me to do . When we were done , I bedded him down with some bute . I 'm hoping a couple of doses will help him come back to a pain free place . This blog is filled with the many and varied doings of myself and my horse , sometimes with others and sometimes alone . My definition of Best Ride Ever changes with each new adventure . So I want to talk about something a little different - why I am able to have these incredible horse moments . J . My wife and partner and soul home , who enables and encourages my fascination with my horse and our time sucking activities , who was the first to say , " he is going home with us . " She , who is terrified of horses yet is the first to defend my need to cover myself in horse smell , has been unwavering supportive of this mid - life adventure . In fact , J is the only reason this really works . During the week , when I go to the barn , she picks up T from football , takes him home , walks all three dogs , feeds the animals , fixes dinner , supervises homework and evening snack , empties and fills the dishwasher , and does laundry just so I can spend my evening grooming and riding . This last weekend , while N and I were touring the top of North Table Mountain , J was doing laundry , doing my ironing , replacing the internal parts of T 's toilet to replace the defective mechanism there ( plumbing is always my job ) , and cleaning the bathrooms , instead of taking it easy and watching football . She has also recognized that having a horse is a budget issue of the Nth degree . I don 't know how many times she 's shrugged and acquiesced at that next thing I absolutely need ( this weekend it was a cob sized dressage bridle , reins , riding gloves , treats and shin boots from Dover ) . For a woman who stresses about our budget and bills , she has been very supportive about the money pit that is the horse . I , in turn , try to minimize my purchases ( I didn 't buy the purple helmet I coveted , nor the Irideon breeches we looked at ) to what is absolutely necessary or at least needed . So , the bottom line is , the only reason I get to have my Best Rides Ever , is because of J . I hope she knows how much I appreciate her keeping our home and life together while I am out riding the hills and valleys of our neighboring plains . Posted by Day Two of 30 Day Blog Challenge : What we did last time we rode and where we went . . . We rode North Table Mountain today . We were both very impressed with the stamina of our horses . The climb from the parking lot ( not pictured here ) to the top of the Mesa is about 1000 feet . Both horses did it at a mix of trot and canter . They were a bit sweated at the top , but a two minute rest and a little bit of walking and they were cooled off and ready to go again . I love this picture . Both horses did such a great job on the ride . They both had a ton of energy , even after carrying us to the top of the Mesa . N thought it was a perfect ride . We did lot of trotting and a bit of cantering and there was no racing or run away horse . Ashke listened and was willing to go every time I asked . We rode up from the parking lot and main access to the Mesa , then rode down the fire access road . Ashke has definitely figured out how to get his butt under him going downhill . I was keeping very light contact with his mouth and flexing my two middle fingers in time with how slow I wanted him to step . I found I could get him to really get his butt under him and step slow on the steep parts just by slowing the flex of my fingers . They both came back sound , although N was worried that there was slight swelling in Cali 's RH , so she booted Cali for the night in her BOT standing boots . Hopefully , there are no issues and she is sound and tight tomorrow morning . Ashke was a touch tender in his front right , but not enough that anyone but me could see . I can 't tell if it 's his foot or him compensating for the right hip . I really have a hard time figuring out how we can get to the barn at 10 : 45 , tack up and ride out for two hours , get back and untack and it 's 2 : 30 . Sometimes I think there is some type of time zone difference when we ride . I think I learned this passion from my mother . She has a picture of her riding a horse when she was pregnant with me . She rode a lot when I was young . And she was always supportive of my obsession , even when times were really tough . She was the why . My very earliest memory is of riding . My parents had a friend who owned a horse breeding farm . I knew him as Uncle Merrill . He raised Appaloosas and we would ride on the weekends . My mother was always given this big black mare with a light white blanket named Button , probably close to 16 hands high , who absolutely refused to stand still for my mom to mount . She would wait until my mom got her foot in the stirrup and then she would sidle in a circle while my mom hopped on one leg trying to get enough momentum to get on the horse . My father and Uncle Merrill would stand around laughing their heads off . My second memory was the weekend I turned six . Uncle Merrill decided that was the age at which I should ride a horse by myself . I was put on a three year old Palomino mare named Muffin . We rode up behind the ranch and Muffin turned downhill at a run . My reins were way too long and I had zero control . She ran me down the hill , through a ditch lined with Russian olive trees and ended up on the dirt road leading to the ranch , hair tore up , my arms and face scratched to pieces , in tears . That 's when Uncle Merrill braced me up , told me to stop crying and shorten my reins . He told me if I didn 't he wouldn 't let me ride . At six , I knew I would die inside if I wasn 't able to ride . I was told by my Doctor when I was thrown from the horse in Yellowstone that I should never ride again . He also told me I shouldn 't do anything physical . There was no pain management and after months of waiting for the pain of a ruptured disc to resolve itself , I didn 't ever want to ride again . All I could think of was the pain I had experienced while riding . That was all I could see . For five years I only focused on the pain . And then I started to talk to Lisa about her horse . She invited me out to ride with her on a horse named Twist . I went because I wanted to know if I could ride or if my Doctor was right . I discovered I could ride . I discovered that I wanted to . I started talking to J about getting a horse . And then I was given Ashke and I discovered all over the joy and deep soul relief of having a horse in my life . We did a trail ride today . It is the same ride we 've done more than a dozen times , but today it was like doing it for the first time . There was storm wrack and flotsam from the flooding and rain all over the trail . In some areas the ground was etched with 10 " deep rivulets in the sand and gravel where the water washed down . In other areas , the grass was swept flat from the water that washed over it and in at least two places the trail was impassable at one point . One of those places was a bridge . The water had washed around the footings , taking trail and trees out in it 's rush , but which the City of Arvada had fixed first before working on other stuff . Cali and Ashke were both very forward . I think we are almost to the point where we could trot and canter the circuit and still have fairly fresh horses at the end of our ride . We traveled pretty quickly where we could , but some parts of the trail were so washed out it wasn 't safe to canter , or even trot , for that matter . The long , downhill segment next to the road and the Frisbee golf park was washed away , deep and clinging in some spots , etched with deep trenches in others . At the end of that section , the road dips and there were road closed nets strung up across the trail . N and I decided to go around and see why they had closed the trail . There was a fence and a couple of trees that had washed out , stretching the fencing across the road . We played with the idea of moving the fencing or flattening it down , but there was no way I was going to try to walk Ashke over it , especially since there were other ways we could go . We turned and went under the bridge and up onto the other side of the road . The berm there was very wide and gave us a great space to trot up the hill to the top , where we crossed back over . We also discovered the trail goes alongside a golf course and winds farther back into the neighborhood . We may need to explore that path one of these days . At the top of the hill , we crossed the road again and headed toward Tucker Lake . J and T decided to take a brief rest so N and I continued toward the long hill up . As we were leaving the lake , Cali got really spooky , which was kind of a theme for both horses today because of all the changes in the trail . N turned to try and see what was spooking her and we discovered a very bright , pink girl child chasing us up the hill . N did the proper thing and gave her some pointers on the proper way to approach a horse and I dismounted ( Ashke 's not crazy about small children ) to let her come and greet them . She asked for a ride . We politely declined and suggested her parents take her to a barn and get her a lesson if she wanted to ride . After a couple of minutes we sent her back to her parents and set off again . When we got to the bottom of the hill , neither Cali or Ashke was in any mood to go quietly up : this hill is one of their favorite places to race and race we did . At the top we stopped and waited for J and T . Then T took off up the long hill . We walked up past the boggy part ( there is still so much moisture and standing water in places ) and then Cali moved in front of Ashke and galloped up the hill . I let Ashke go , but I was fighting him the entire way . When Cali is in front all he wants to do is race . We pulled up and N asked me why I didn 't just let him go . I told her I was afraid he wasn 't ever going to stop . ( I meant that he would keep racing until he had definitely won and although that might be fun on a flat track , it 's not really something I 'm happy about where we are riding ) . N told me that all I had to do is sit back , tighten my knees and ask him to slow down and he would . ( She was talking about me letting her get out in front and then cantering Ashke up to her . Except that Ashke hates being left and gets very vertical when that happens . Think Lippizzan capriole . ) She suggested that I give him his head and then I would understand what she was talking about . She moved Cali into the grass and took off at the canter . As soon as Ashke hit the grass he left the area at a dead run . This was a source of great entertainment to T as I went racing past him with a look of utmost terror on my face , reins clenched in one hand , holding the saddle in the other , trying to steer Ashke around the ground terrors waiting for us . There is one place where the road curves to the left and the two foot of mown grass veers with it . We went straight ahead . The grass is knee high and spotted with big yellow bushes and yucca plants , which Ashke delights in jumping , still at a dead run . She took exception and shot both hind feet at Ashke as we streaked by , who responded with a double hoof kick out back . N was shouting that we were too close and I shouted back that I had no control . Ashke was going to win ; hell , high water and rocks be damned . N realizing I was on a run away , slowed Cali and at that point Ashke began listening again . We stopped . I was laughing and gasping for breath , while N kept trying to apologize . We agreed that my " letting him go " wasn 't a good idea and that I was right when I said he wasn 't going to stop . N had no idea we were gaining on her , but Cali knew , and the double hind leg kick at us was a surprise . Then the kid joined us and laughed at me , doing screwy faces to show N what I looked like as I streaked past him . Both horses were really up and had no desire to slow down . We did give them a little bit of a break , while I checked Ashke 's boots . Something strange happened about then . The bicycle riders became very polite , slowing and asking if they could pass before going past us . Several of them got off their bikes and stood at the very edge of the path until we had gone by . At least one guy went completely off trail to bypass us . N was amazed , since at least part of our ride is taken up with educating the riders on the dangers of not letting us know they are there , or who has the right of way on the trail . They were so polite . So cautious . We thought it was our lucky day . * * The stream bed was destroyed . Further East , it widened into a fifty foot swath that took out the sidewalk around Arvada Res . There were huge trees that were uprooted and swept downstream . Thankfully the bridge was still there and they had filled in the huge gaping hole cut by the stream ( raging river ) between the trail we were on and the bridge . The dirt path they had filled in was at least twenty feet wide . It would have sucked to have had to turn around and back track to get home . * * * Again , every time a bike rider came by they were very respectful , pulling off to the side or waiting for us to tell them it was okay . Even the people walking with their dogs were very polite . When we finally caught up with J and T , T asked how the bicyclists were behaving . We said that they were being amazingly polite when they came up to us , stopping and waiting . Both J and T busted up laughing . We decided we needed to have them ride in front of us all the time . At the last bridge before the neighborhood , T passed a biker going the other direction at a very fast rate of speed . The trail takes a 90 degree turn and then crosses the bridge . We were just entering the bridge when the fast biker would have hit the corner on the other side , except T told him there were horses that kick and the guy braked hard . He was also very polite going past . I 'm not sure I like the new display on iOS 7 . And I forgot my phone , where I have the app settings so I can see what I want . J downloaded this after we were on the trail , so we get what we get . And J carried it with her , instead of me carrying it on the horse , so the map isn 't exactly right , but at least there is some information . I 've decided to do the 30 day challenge , but probably not 30 days in a row . On the days I have a ride to write about , I will do that instead . That way you all aren 't expected to read more than a post a day . Because otherwise , how would you get anything done ? Last night , N and I met to ride in the outdoor arena . I hadn 't ridden since Tuesday night but N had taken a lesson from Dolly Hannon on Wednesday . I guess Dolly is Cassandra 's mentor / coach / trainer and a pretty big name in dressage circles ( yes , and now you know I know nothing about dressage but what I am absorbing through discussion and blog posts ) . I guess Dolly didn 't point out anything that Cassandra hadn 't seen in N 's riding , although I guess she was a little more harsh in her communication style . N wanted to work on some of her stuff , so we measured out a twenty meter circle so N and Cali could work on cantering in a 20m circle . For the record , 20m is just over 65 feet . Ashke and I worked on warming up slow , although his hip seemed to be fine . We did several circuits of the arena at a long , fast walk , where he is working to stretch and flex , rather than taking short strides . This is the walk that Cali can 't keep up with unless she is trotting . After he was warm and loose , we moved to working on the trot . My western roots are showing , because I want his trot to be slow and collected . We have worked a little on extending it , but I 'm not sure I am doing it correctly . That will be one of the questions I have for Cassandra on Tuesday when I take a lesson with her . After the trot work , we did some cantering . We did three or so circuits to the left without stopping , then trotted and then cantered again . Ashke 's canter to the left is amazing for about 3 / 4 of the arena and then he gets rough . I think he cross - canters to take the stress off his right hip . I gathered him up and made him continue and he smoothed out . We worked in that direction until we were both puffing with exertion . Then I walked him until he had cooled and we turned to the right . I forced both of us to go around for three circuits , even though it was tough . I have such a difficult time riding him to that direction and he is so much rougher , but we stuck it out . The only way we are going to get better is if we continue to try . After that , I was out of breath and soaked in sweat . I don 't ever remember it being this hard when I was a kid . We walked it out and then stopped and watched horse trailers driving in to train with Cassandra . N was working Cali in the twenty meter circle at a canter and Ashke was fine with just standing . At one point N was working the rail , asking Cali to move off her leg so Ashke and I decided to play with the cones we were using to mark out the circle . I rode him in a figure eight around the cones at a trot , using my heel to help him bend around the cone a little more quickly . I 'm doing this while neck reining , rather than direct reining him . He caught onto the pattern pretty quick , so I asked him to canter . We blew past the cone the first time , heading for distance pastures . I pulled him around and we worked the figure eight again at a trot . Then we tried to do it at a canter . We made the first turn and I slowed him to a trot , then cued for the other lead . He picked it right up and circled the second cone fairly tightly . Good boy ! We ended on that note and just spent the rest of our time walking out . Today we get to trail ride with J and T and N and Cali for the first time in what seems like months . Posted by Clear skies ( mostly ) with temps in the mid to upper 80 's . Meanwhile , the flooding has moved East to Sterling , where the South Platte continues to evade it 's banks . But here , the blue sky and sunshine has lifted my spirits a touch . The only bummer is the sun is beginning to set much earlier . Despite the puddles on the ground and in the outdoor arena , we opted to ride outside . The indoor had four jumps and eight riders in it and we decided dealing with a little mud would be easier on our horses . I swear this horse LOVES mud . He hasn 't been in turnout , just laying down in his run . It took me twenty minutes to make him somewhat white again . Not that he was complaining , mind you . He enjoyed the extra grooming a lot . We tacked up and went to the outdoor arena . It looked to me like he was favoring his right hind leg just a little bit and I asked N if she could tell . It was her thought that perhaps he was stiff , in part from the weather , and I should warm him up slowly . We did . I hand walked him around the arena twice before getting on and then asked him to stretch and extend his walk for a couple of circuits in both directions . Meanwhile , Cali acted like a baby to the tune of bucking , kicking , rearing and sunfishing every time she was asked to Canter . N applied the sidereins , which Cali took exception to , and then proceeded to try and do all of those things while wearing the side reins . Cassandra came out about the time N was getting on and verbally coached N while she was fighting with Cali . In the end , N got Cali to settle and do exactly what she wanted her to do . Ashke and I rode around the outside of the arena , worked on our trot and some turns , but mostly sat and talked with Cassandra . Rachel , one of the trainers , riding China , came to join us . I told her I would wait and ride with her until she was done . N finished with Cali and headed to the barn and Ashke lost his freaking mind . I got off of him before the fight could get out of hand , and then let him buck and kick and tear around me like a complete idiot , with blowing and loud snorts . He was so upset that Cali was leaving and he was expected to stay in the arena and be a good horse . I think it kind of unsettled Rachel , since he was rearing and striking out with his front feet in protest . Not AT me , just in protest . He did get whacked on the neck for snapping at me with his teeth , but he didn 't try to bite again , after that one time . I need to bring out a lunge line when I am working him in the arena , because I don 't think it 's good on his haunch for him to tear around me in such a tiny circle . I move with him and the circles are more of an oval . I also made him move in both directions , even though he wanted to circle to the right ( easier on his RH ) . After about ten minutes , he worked it out of his system . At that point , I walked his steaming butt over to the mounting block and got back on . The last thing I want him thinking is that blowing up like that gets him out of work . Instead , we did some turning , some serpentines , and working on neck reining . Every time he got too up , we turned into the fence ( makes his turns much tighter and doesn 't give him any where to go ) and went in the other direction . Since he was mostly up on the way TO the gate , this pretty much nipped that behavior in the bud . Little poop . Finally , Rachel and I were both finished . China had gotten a little up when Ashke was throwing his fit , but settled right back into work when Ashke calmed down . While we were walking them out , I asked Rachel about being able to work cows at the barn and she said they were going to have a " cow day " or maybe a " cow weekend " in October , November and December . Woot ! I think Ashke might be pretty amazing with cows , if he would just stop snorting and spooking at them . If nothing else , it exposes him to one more thing and gives him something to think about . And , if I ever get serious about the Working Equitation ( which I am , kind of ) he needs to be able to team pen and sort cattle . It 's part of the event . There is also the possibility of being able to work buffalo . That just gives me shivers . I saw Ashke on Friday night and he still had some hives on his shoulders and belly . The indoor arena was very wet and I opted not to ride . Instead we got the joy and pleasure of wearing the balance system ( similar to the pessoa ) and a twenty minute work out . Ashke spent the first five minutes bucking . At a canter in both directions . It was amusing . Then he settled down and dropped his head , although it is so much more difficult on a lunge line then it is when he is in the round pen . He worked til he was warm , but not hot . I could detect a slight hesitation in his right hip . I think it 's from when he was jumping the cavalletti poles a week or so ago . I think this hip would keep him from being able to participate in endurance , but it 's not enough to keep us from enjoying ourselves on the trail . N says he moves that leg a little different from the others , and I am hoping that will get better as he continues to get stronger . I may need to focus some time on riding hills to help strengthen his back and butt . I didn 't make it out on Saturday or Sunday . I was feeling crappy enough that with the exception of shopping at Costco on Saturday morning , I didn 't leave the house those two days . I don 't know if it 's the weather , the flooding , the lack of sunshine , the anxiety and depression that seems to infuse Colorado right now , my sore throat and horrible cough . I just know I had less than zero energy and spent time napping in my recliner while listening to football on the TV . I will be back out to the barn on Tuesday . My plan is to ride Tues , Thurs , Fri , Sat and Sunday . That 's the plan . We shall have to see . Pretty smart solution to the issue . Hopefully , the horses stay calm and the indoor arena doesn 't flood . Does kind of cut down on the amount of riding you can do there , however . Just to put this picture in perspective . The creek is on the left . There used to be a 15 ' bank to a cheery little creek meandering through the willows where the coyotes would come to drink . The water looks to be at least 10 ' deep , if not more . The wide plain of water between the creek and the paddocks is where we stood to take pictures of Ashke with Liz . Just off camera to the right is a gravel road that runs from the main parking lot between the Indoor Arena and the Main Barn to the upper paddocks . This is the other side of the creek . You can see the gravel road leading from the parking lot to the upper paddocks . This swath of water is where a low grazing area used to be . Now , it is raging stream . That edge you can see is what used to be a drop off into the canal . There has to be fifteen feet of water there . And a drain pipe . And there used to be a small dirt pathway between the lower creek and the upper pond , which is lined with cattails and some old cottonwood trees . Thankfully , all of the horse paddocks are on high ground and the horses are all safe . Ashke and Cali are bedded down in their stalls , and although I 'm sure Ashke is a bit bored not being able to play with Fool or Pearl , he is healthy , dry and safe . N says that his run is pretty decent too , which makes me feel good about putting the squeegee in his run . This is where the road used to be going to the upper paddocks . I 'm very curious how they are getting hay from the hay barn up there and dropping the shavings / stall muck onto the muck pile which is at the upper end of the property . The water to the right has to be eight or nine feet deep . And then you have this . A poor little lost crayfish on the parking lot instead of in his stream , like he should be . I am having mental issues with figuring out why this whirlpool is happening in the middle of this pool of water . There has to be a drain down there that is emptying onto the other side of the gravel road . Although the other side of the gravel road is the very first picture I posted , so I 'm not sure how the water is moving fast enough to cause a whirlpool . Curious . We are , thankfully , dry and safe at home . Our condo is on a hill and with the improvements to the building that were completed 18 months ago , there is no accummulation of water in our crawl space . The dogs aren 't happy with the rain , they definitely prefer snow , but other than that we are doing great . I think our rain total is over 10 " for the city of Thornton . Unfortunately , the rain is predicted to continue until Monday . The small town of Lyons was completely evacuated by the National Guard this morning , Hwy 34 from Loveland to Estes Park has lost it 's road in two places , which does not bode well for getting to Estes Park . The only way in or out of Estes is over Trail Ridge road , I 've been told . Hopefully , there will be no snow until the access roads up are fixed . Estes Park has gotten 15 " of rain in the past two days . At one inch of rain per 10 " of snow , they could have had 12 . 5 FEET of snow , had this storm come when it was a tad bit colder . Boulder is under heavy flooding . The pictures coming out of there make me very happy J and I haven 't pursued our dream of living in Boulder . Boulder has gotten at least 15 " of rain as well . Posted by By Sunday night both horses blew up with hives . N called the vet and he told her that horses only get hives after consistent exposure ( 4 or 5 times ) but I 'm pretty sure there was something in the water on Sunday , and only Sunday , that caused them to have hives . The reason I think this is because they both have hives right up to the line where the water reached while they were standing in the water on Sunday . There is so much water falling out of the sky in Colorado tonight that the thought of riding is less than appealing . Most of the Front Range has received 10 " + over the past 36 hours . There isn 't a body of water here that isn 't over it 's banks . Tomorrow , though , I should be able to get out . When I first started riding I was four and a half years old . At that point I wasn 't much more than a big toddler taken along for the ride on any horse I was on . I was given a shetland pony for my eighth birthday and began participating in 4 - H ; weekly meetings and the county and state shows at the end of summer . During this phase in my life I was stick thin , wiry strong and often mistaken for a boy . I know it didn 't help that I preferred to wear blue , green , brown or black and jeans whenever I could . I kept my hair cut short and played hard when I played . We jousted with broomsticks and boxing gloves . We played Planet of the Apes with real BB guns and nets made out of baling twine . My comrades and playmates were all boys and our playground the wide open fields and canals of Southeast Idaho . All of my time was spent on horses , riding for ten or twelve hours a day . Nothing much changed as I grew older , however . I stayed stick thin and undeveloped until I was almost sixteen . Even then , I was not a " if you 've got it , flaunt it " kind of girl and always picked clothes that masked or obscured my developing chest . In Jr High and High School , I was known as a " Pirate 's Dream " , meaning sunken chest . It wasn 't until I was in my early twenties and no longer riding that my chest developed into a decent C cup . Then came Clomid and childbirth . My decent C cup grew and grew and grew . I have spent years wearing bras that were too small to hold me , primarily because 1 ) I hate bras and refuse to spend a ton of money on them and 2 ) I refuse to wear an underwire , because I hate them . My current bra was a Bali , DDD , and just has not been doing the job . I decided that after 35 years of wearing the same style of bra ( little support ) that it was time to break down and buy a Playtex . They make bras that have great support without underwires . I measured my chest according to the charts . I am an H cup . Freaking Porn Star . Not that I 'm really comfortable with that assessment , and no one would want to admire my 52 year old chest in the pages of a magazine , however , just based on size , I 'm freaking huge . ( This is what comes of praying for a large chest - several decades to late to stop the teasing in High School , however . ) So finding a bra in an H cup for less than $ 50 is pretty much impossible . Playtex doesn 't go that big . They do , however , sell a G cup for $ 20 . I ordered them and tried them out on Sunday . First off , the fit is pretty good . Okay the right side is still a little squished , but I can 't order a bra that has a G cup on the left and an H or I on the right . It has amazing support . No pinching , no binding , and no rash . And , the most amazing thing . . . . my back pain was significantly less . In fact , during our ride I didn 't feel my back pull at all . And my back feels much better today than it has in years . I can 't believe that the weight of my chest was causing so much back pain . I 'm seriously going to have to look into the benefits and costs of breast reduction surgery . If it can help aleviate the ongoing back pain , which sometimes reaches crippling pain levels , it might be worth it to not ride for six weeks . Posted by N and I had quite the day . We met at the barn about 11 : 45 to do a trail ride . When Ashke saw me in the aisle of the barn he whinnied and then whinnied again . I think he was so happy to see me . I think he knew we were going out on the trail . We got them brushed and then we had to take pictures of Cali 's feet with and without boots so N can send them to Easyboot and we can figure out why the boots keep coming off . Although , after today , I think getting the boots wet is part of the problem , along with Cali clipping the back of her front boot with her hind boots . After pictures , we got them tacked up and headed out . They were both really up and raring to go . We went through the neighborhood to the trail , turned right and went over the bridge . As we were going over the bridge I realized there was a trail directly in front of us leading out across the field . I asked N if she was interested in exploring and she said yes , so we went straight out over the field . Ashke and I cantered right up to the point where we both saw a small ditch , and then the canter slowed significantly . Ashke doesn 't like ditches . I held him to a trot after that , in part because I wanted to make sure his hip had time to warm up so we didn 't pull anything . About three quarters of the way across the field we came up on a deeper ditch . There was a ditch running perpendicular to the trail we were on , that had a ditch coming off of it , running West to East . At the point where the trail we were following crossed it , the ditch had split , so there were two ditches only about two feet apart . I looked at it and evaluated my possibilities . Then I got off . I couldn 't see any possible way to cross those two ditches without risking Ashke . There wasn 't enough space between the two ditches for him to stop , balance and then jump the second ditch . I wasn 't sure I wanted to try riding it , either . Ashke was very snorty and wasn 't sure he wanted to follow me through the obstacle . He managed to walk through the first ditch ( which I don 't think he would have done if I had been on him ) , and then balked for a few moments , thinking about it , then leaped like a deer . I would have been toast . I was praising Ashke when I heard N yelling , " I 'm coming off , I 'm coming off " and I turned to see her trying to control Cali while hanging off the side of her , mane clutched in one hand . Cali was wonderful and stopped , even though she seemed a bit confused by N 's behavior . N righted herself without hitting the ground and decided to try the ditches again . Cali walked through both going back out ( downhill and the second ditch was much shallower and narrower ) . I watched this time as they started back . Cali jumped the first ditch and landed her front feet on the triangle patch of ground . As she did her hind feet landed in the ditch . Then she launched herself over the second ditch , with her hindquarters much lower than her front feet . She too leaped like a deer and really had to propel her haunches up and out of the ditch . That was what I was expecting to have happen with Ashke if we had tried to cross . I explained to N what had happened and it really explained why she wasn 't ready for the deer jump . We continued on at a trot on a track with prairie dog holes on either side . We found a new little lake and there was nifty little track that Cali cantered on and we trotted . We made our way to 64th and turned East and backtracked a little bit to get back onto the normal path to Tucker Lake . N needed to work Cali on some transitions and Ashke and I had a bit of a conversation about keeping his trot collected , even when extended . Both horses seemed to know where we were going and were very excited about getting to Tucker Lake . At Tucker Lake we stripped saddles and bridles and boots . Put them in a halter and lead rope , then I stripped off my boots . Both horses went into the water without hesitation . Both horses laid down in the water . Ashke went out so deep that I was in the water up to mid chest ( just under my boobs ) with the lead rope stretched to it 's fullest . He acted like he was going to swim to the middle of the lake . Instead he swam in a half circle until he got his feet down into the mud again . He did it twice . Finally , they were ready to come out and N and I wanted to eat our lunch . About that time a woman with two dogs showed up and Cali tried to lose her mind . N had her working circles around her with a hill on one side of the circle . Ashke looped a leg through his rope and almost lost his mind . I had to drop the rope and hope that he would stand still ( I was betting he wouldn 't leave Cali ) until I could walk up to him and get him untangled . It was very scarey for me and I mentioned to N that we needed to do some Parelli work with him over the winter until ropes don 't bother him any more . About the time Cali relaxed enough to be saddled again , N realized Cali was covered with hives . They were on Cali 's chest , legs , belly and creeping up her neck . I checked Ashke and sure enough he had the same thing . We saddled and headed for home , hoping it wouldn 't get worse . Going home was very interesting . Ashke started kicking out and bucking every time we cantered . He didn 't do it at the trot , only at the canter . That made for an interesting ride . We would canter , he would buck , we would slow to a trot and Cali would canter on . Ashke did a lot of leg yields , turning and backing until he finally listened and trotted like I wanted . I wasn 't real interested in cantering if he was going to buck . Cali decided she didn 't want to canter if Ashke wasn 't chasing her or she wasn 't chasing Ashke . We had to brave two really scarey squirrels and a bizarre red car that Ashke really thought was going to eat him . By the time we got back to the barn the hives had lessened but not disappeared . We washed both horses with Tea Tree oil and had Cassandra check them out . She thought we should wait and see , which coincided with what N and I had figured out . Neither horse was showing issues with their breathing , their face and the hives were smaller than they started out . N is checking on them now . Well , the hives are worse . And we had conformation that at least three cities sprayed for mosquitos ( West Nile ) . Not so good . N is calling the vet and seeing if he thinks he needs to come out tonight . We think they both need a good dose of Dex . The good news is , he 's eating . Doesn 't seem to have a fever . Neither of us even thought about the fact that they might have sprayed for West Nile . |
Again , I do not believe I can list all of the horses that made me who I am today , so this is the next installment in the series . Before we start , I want to say , that as a horsewoman and horse owner now , I would never condone some of my behavior or actions as a kid . I grew up in the 1970 's , given free rein to roam all over our county and some days I would leave the house in the early morning and not return until dusk . I was expected home for dinner , and we had chores , but other than that , we were free to do whatever we could think up . Some of those things were dangerous and deadly , like playing Planet of the Apes with real BB guns , horses and bailing twine nets . We spent a lot of time with neighbor kids , unsupervised . Our horses were always part of that . We also grew up in the West , where kicking your horse in the belly is standard behavior for the farrier , cruel bits were normal and whipping your horse to get results , expected . I have learned to forgive myself for some of the things that I did , but because of events in my childhood , I am also committed to brutal honesty when facing the things that happened , with my horses , as well as everything else . As all things , the events and activities of my childhood helped to shape the woman I am today . They happened and they should be acknowledged and remembered honestly . One of the things I forgot to mention , in 1976 when I was working with Sham ( I was 14 ) I was given a broke down old buggy . I found two motorcycle wheels at a junk yard and managed to piece together harness from rope and bailing twine and I taught that little booger to drive . I used two bits in his mouth , a curb to stop him if needed and a snaffle for most of the time . He would drive all over our county with me and my sister in the buggy seat . Our last drive was to the post office to pick up a package . It was about six miles round trip and he trotted most of the way . As we were pulling into our front yard and preparing to stop , one of the wheels on the buggy locked up and began making the worse noise . Sham bolted . For one brief moment I tried to stop him and then screamed at my sister to jump . She bailed out one side and I bailed out the other . Sham headed across the yard , up and over the 20 ' high pile of chopped wood we had been stacking for winter heat , across one end of the garden , jumped the gate into where the horses were grazing , tore around that enclosure at his top speed while the other horses snorted and fled in terror , dragging the buggy upside down behind him . It ended with him attempting to jump out of the grazing area by going over the wire fence , which he almost made despite the fact that the buggy was being pulled behind him upside down through all of that fiasco . He went down in a billowing pile of dust . I screamed at my sister to get the corn and wire cutters as I raced down the road to grab his head . I hung on an ear , with my hand clamped to his nose until he calmed down . Then we cut him loose , brought him back home and stitched him up . A small three inch tear in the inside of his thigh was the only injury , although we never again tried to use the buggy . Sometimes I think it was a miracle we all made it to adulthood . Crystal : Crystal was Tinka 's last foal . I have no idea who the daddy was , because we did not deliberately breed her due to her age . It might have been our neighbor 's three year old AOne of my favorite memories of Crystal was the day my paternal grandparents came to visit and it was raining . My mother wasn 't home and I really wanted my grandparents to see Crystal , so I picked her up and carried her into the house . She wasn 't in the house for longer than five minutes and was wonderfully behaved and then I carried her back outside . When my mother got home and found out she was furious . I was grounded for something like a week and I was really pissed , feeling like the punishment wasn 't fair because my father had been there the entire time . The next time both my parents were gone , my sister and I took all six horses in the house . We stood Tinka , Sham , Ace and Queenie at the kitchen sink eating grain out of a bucket . Then we took Crystal and Shadow Dancer down to the bedroom and laid them on the bed . ( By the way , not something I would recommend . I have nightmares now about the kitchen floor of our 1940 's built farm house collapsing under the weight and dropping all of us into the coal chute in the basement . This is why I don 't leave T alone with friends ever ! ) My mother didn 't find out for years . My sister finally spilled the beans in the middle of a fight ( we no longer lived in that house and I know longer lived with my mom ) with my mother , which derailed the fight , but got me in deep trouble the next time I saw my mom . It can still make her angry and she probably has steam coming out her ears reading this . ( I love you mom ! ! I was a bad kid . I 'm very sorry . ) I thought I was going to write about Queenie in this post , but there are so many memories surrounding this horse , that I am going to wait . She will be a post all of her own . Maybe two . It 's brought tears to my eyes just thinking of it and I want to do our story justice . So , perhaps tomorrow . Posted by This blog is supposed to describe the important horses in your life . It will take more than one blog to do justice to this topic . At least the stories should be entertaining . Muffin : four year old palomino appaloosa mare . First solo ride . Earliest memory of my father being thrown from her back onto the roof of our old chicken coop . Seabisquit : First pony of my own and probably 20 years old when we got him . He was a complete shit . Hard mouthed . Stubborn . Crafty and mean . I had bruises on my chest from where he double barreled me with his hind feet . I have a Lisfranc fracture on my left foot from where he stomped me . He was my first wreck on my very first ride . He didn 't teach me to be soft - he taught me to be brutal . I broke a wooden gate with my face when he slid to a stop with his head ducked and I flew over his head and hit the gate . He was sold to us by family , which tells you something about my family . I broke my hand falling off of him while playing Civil War soldier . You couldn 't turn him and you couldn 't stop him , even with a gate , and I got a lot of practice finding a soft place to land when he was racing home . Tinka : Bought for my brother , who hated horses . She was a 23 year old Welsh pony and very well trained . I learned to summersault off her back and roll to my feet standing next to her , since she would stop as soon as she felt you move . She was a wonderful ride and my sister did really good on her in 4 - H . Even though she was in her twenties , she gave us two foals , Sham and Crystal , and she did a solid job in 4 - H for 10 years . There was one summer when my sister and I did 4 - H camp in the Palisaides area of Idaho . It was a lot of fun . We spent three days riding all day long and our nights in a cabin with a bunch of other girls . The last full day we had , the camp did a trail ride up into the mountains . I was riding Queenie and D was on Tinka . We got up to the place they had lunch set up for us . We ate and then started back . D and I got separated in the group on our way back . D went with the main trail ride leader and they headed back to camp . The group I was with made a bad turn and we ended up going down a narrow , ravine like creek . Queenie was frantic for her herd mate and made that trip on her hind legs , whinnying non - stop for Tinka . We didn 't know how to get back to the main camp , since our guides were lost and going back up the wet , slick ravine didn 't seem smart . The area around Palisaides is wilderness and we could have been in serious trouble , except for D and Tinka . When they got back to camp and Tinka realized we weren 't there , she turned and headed back out , encouraged by D . Tinka led D to our group , probably called by Queenie 's frantic cries , and then turned and led us back to camp . She was an amazing horse and did a great job for us . Sham : God , I hated this horse . He was half welsh pony and half something else ( QH maybe ) . He was mean from the moment he hit the ground . The first time my brother tried to ride Tinka after Sham was foaled , Sham reared up and struck my brother in the ribs with his ears pinned and his mouth wide open , trying to remove the rider from his mom 's back . He was supposed to be my sister 's horse , but I was the only one stupid enough to try and work with him . He would bite at anything that came close to his mouth . He could cow kick , which meant even up next to his shoulder he could get you with a hind hoof . At one of the 4 - H shows , I was cleaning his hooves and he popped me in the mouth with his hind hoof . ( I ended up getting six horrible stitches in my mouth at the emergency room - four of them fell out before the end of the day - and made it back to show my foal . ) When Sham turned one , he became a hellion . He was a stallion still and I couldn 't keep him in our pasture . I tried hobbling him . Front hobbles didn 't work , he just moved both front feet at the same time . I tried hobbling both front and back . That didn 't work . I tried tying all four feet together in a square about 18 " to each side . This worked briefly , and I was feeling somewhat vindicated in slowing him down . However , after throwing himself four or five times and struggling back to his feet ( I still have no idea how he managed ) that sumbitch figured out how to hop like a freaking jackrabbit . I stood in the pasture with despair in my heart as I watched that like bugger hop over to the fence and then fall into it . You could hear the staples popping off the wood posts as he carried the fence to the ground , rolled to his feet on the other side and took off for greener pastures and in heat mares on the other side . I went after him , brought him back and tied him to a tree . ( Have to wonder why a twelve year old was responsible for all of this stuff , but that 's how it was . The horses were my kingdom . ) Then I fixed the fence . Then I put Sham in a stock corral on the property . By the way , Sham was about 13 . 1h and could jump like a jackrabbit . The top rail on the stock corral was over six foot tall with a irrigation ditch on the back side . Sham reared up and touched his nose to the top of the corral , dropped down and jumped the fence and the ditch on the other side . ( I did jump him informally over a pole placed a top a set of barrels - maybe 3 ' 6 " to 4 ' - and he could clear that height with me on him bareback . ) When I finally caught him , several miles away from home in a pasture with a herd of mares , I took him back and used a single leg hobble and tied him to a tree . I kept him that way until the vet came out to take away his desire . And then , my idiot father who was the FFA teacher at our school , talked the vet into Proud cutting that little bugger . Proud cut is when the vet takes the testicles but leaves the tissue that controls the hormone levels of a stallion . They left that horse shooting blanks , but still wanting to shoot . It did slow down his need to escape - instead he seemed pretty content with his small herd of horses - but it didn 't help with his attitude toward humans . Me in particular . The year my father and mother divorced I was fifteen . All of my sibs went to Southern California to spend time with my maternal grandparents and I was left at home with my horses and a ton of time . My mother and I knew we needed to thin our herd of six and we decided to sell Tinka and Sham . Thus began my summer of riding to produce a horse we could sell . I would start with lunging him in both directions for over an hour . By the end of the summer , Sham was very well conditioned . Then I would saddle him and swing on . At this point in our relationship I was riding him in a snaffle bit and a western saddle . As soon as I was on , Sham would swing his head around and try to bite me . I would jerk his head around and we would spin in a circle until we were both dizzy . Finally , Sham would give and stop spinning , at which point I would straighten him out and he would swing around to bite my other leg . His nose would meet the toe of my boot and then we would spin again . We did that process in both directions several times until he was bored . Finally , I would get him straightened out and he would lean hard on the bit , steady , relentless , and I would shorten and shorten my reins until his chin was almost to his chest . At that point Sham would rear and lunge forward , throwing all of his weight on his head and jerking me forward over his neck , then with vicious forethought , Sham would snap his head back into the middle of my face . He broke my nose twice and my glasses four times that summer . ( I 'm a slow learner . ) I finally figured out how to let the reins slide through my hands when he lunged forward , then met his head with a stout stick when he threw it up hoping to catch my face . At that point I had some semblance of control and we would head for the back 40 where we would ride the edges of the alfalfa and wheat fields ( edges of a 40 acre field ) at a gallop until he was ready to relax and listen . At that point , I could work on walk / trot . By the end of the summer , he was as broke as he was going to be . We sold him and his motheThat was four . Time for a break . I will tackle the other horses of my youth next time . I bought a horse in 1992 . She was a National Show Horse by the name of Keili . She was unregistered , out of Legionaire Domain ( American Saddlebred ) , four years old with horrible ground manners . She wasn 't started under saddle and she hadn 't been handled very much at all . When I went to see her , she flipped her head while I was leading her and smashed me in the head , breaking my glasses . ( That tacked $ 300 onto the purchase price . ) She was the only horse I looked at and I paid $ 700 for her . Everything about that transaction was the absolute wrong way to buy a horse . So , you ask , why did I purchase her ? Because I was stupid and thought I could do anything I wanted with any horse I brought home . And the price was decent for a horse I thought would meet my needs . I got her , partly because I always want a horse , ( it 's a obsession ) and partly because I wanted to do dressage . Dressage to me , at that point , was this elegant , intricate show thing and somewhere in the back of my head I could see myself riding dressage in the Olympics . At that point I knew nothing about warmbloods , OTTBs , or any of the other horses used in Grand Prix and dressage . All I knew about dressage was that it was a way of riding your horse so that it " danced " . I thought a National Show Horse could be a great dressage horse . Keili and I never really clicked . I didn 't realize until several months later , that the BM at the place where I was boarding her , took it upon herself to work her when I wasn 't around . Her methods weren 't gentle , which increased Keili 's psychotic behavior , something I wasn 't understanding . Keili wouldn 't stand tied and the BM decided to put a rope around her belly and run it up through the halter ring . The first time she pulled back I guess she flipped herself through the fence . I think that was the second time in her life that Keili was tied . It left a lasting impression . I couldn 't figure out why this horse kept breaking halters and lead ropes . After a couple of months I was able to ride her , but she never became stable , calm or steady . And there was nothing Dressage about our riding . Usually it was me looking for a soft place to land when she went sideways at speed because she didn 't like the shape of a shadow under a bush . I really think she would have made an Endurance horse , because she would go all day at speed and still have a ton of energy at the end of the ride . I finally sold Keili after she jerked back at the end of a lead rope , thinking she was about to be eaten by a mountain lion disguised as a saddle stirrup . When she hit the end of the rope the railroad tie she was tied to snapped off at the ground and I suddenly had a psychotic mare attached to a 6 foot long , one foot square , 35 pound battering ram . It was like watching your worse nightmare come true . I was pretty sure she was going to kill herself . When the post whacked her in the forehead and she went down , I was sure she was dead . She scrambled to her feet and for once , held still . I got to her and released the rope . She was bruised and nicked up , but no major damage was done . I knew , however , that I was in over my head . I sold her a week later . I had forgotten that barely recognized dream from 20 years ago when I first got Ashke . My focus this time was endurance riding ( and once again I was as ignorant of that discipline as I was of dressage twenty years ago ) and although I have the right breed of horse to do it , I 'm not sure he will ever be sound enough . Nor do I think I want to trot for that long . Ever . So , the point of this post ? I am now riding dressage . I had my first lesson on Tuesday and then I practiced what we went over on Weds and Friday . And the really cool thing , Ashke is doing it . Twenty years later and with my heart horse , I 'm finally learning the beginning steps in this incredible dance . We had a set back today . I met N at the barn at 1 : 30 to ride the Mesa . Unfortunately , or perhaps fortunately , Cali 's LF leg was just slightly swollen and warm . She had a splint there a year or so ago and it seemed like it was bothering her again . The area with the most heat however was the outside of her fetlock , so I kind of wonder if maybe she knocked it into something . N was disappointed , but I told her it was fine if we didn 't ride out . It was better to be safe then to risk a bowed tendon or other issue that might sideline them for several weeks . We decided that I would ride Ashke and Cali could graze . N agreed to take some pics for me . When we got to the dressage arena , I lunged Ashke briefly . He seemed really stiff and sore to me , but he wasn 't favoring any of his steps . He also wasn 't stretching into his walk , like I know he can . After a few turns in each direction , during which he was flawless , I attached the sidereins and lunged him again . I am riding him with N 's Back on Track dressage pad , to help stimulate blood flow and warmth in the muscles that need help . What I really need is a rump rug to cover his loin area to help warm his muscles before work . I have placed the 3 ' by 4 ' BOT pad on my list for Christmas . He was not nearly as good today as he had been last night or on Weds . I rode him for three or four circuits of an about 20m circle , and he did not want to be in a frame . He was struggling to extend his trot and he started doing the headflip , lift his front feet off the ground every time I asked . N wanted me to get some propulsion at the trot , but it was like pulling teeth to get him to move . When I turned him to the left , it became apparent why . He was very lame to the left . Head - bobbing lame . I think I asked too much too soon . I rode him on Tues , Weds and Friday . That was as much as his muscles were going to deliver . Cassandra met me in the barn and I showed her the areas that are effecting Ashke , where his pain is , what 's improved and what 's bothering him right now . She helped me fit his shin boots ( for the trail when he is in danger of knocking his ankles into rocks ) and then helped me with our new dressage bridle . I got it at Dover on Sunday with N , in a cob size , since his face is so refined . When we tried it on , it fit the length of his face and the circumference of his nose perfectly , but the browband was way to small . Cassandra pulled a browband off her bridle for me to use and we got it fitted on him . He looked so darn cute . We went to the dressage arena and I let Cassandra get a feel for him . She lunged him in both directions for a few minutes as we waited for his leg to loosen and warm up . He was pretty stiff on the RH , the same area we 've been having issues with since the cavaletti poles and small jump . As he worked , the stiffness got better and so Cassandra put the side reins on him . He was so good for her . He worked at the walk and trot in both directions and he was soft on the bit . Our only moment of stress was when he backed over the carriage whip and it contacted the back of his right leg . He leapt into the air like a cat and flicked his feet the same way . I really need to do some work this winter with him and ropes . Based on the scars on the inside of his right leg , he 's tangled with wire at some point in the past , so it will take time and patience to get him comfortable with them . After working him in the side reins , Cassandra rode him for a little bit . She asked me if he had ever been ridden in spurs and I told her I thought that would be a really bad idea . He is so sensitive that the extra sharpness of spurs might elicit a response she wouldn 't be happy with . Frankly , I thought he might dump her on her head if she tried her spurs . She was laughing as she took them off . He wasn 't excited about her getting on him , and he snapped at me when he realized he was expected to stand still for her . When she got on , he tried to back out from under her . I was a little worried he was going to rear on her , but he didn 't . He just backed up and got a little bunchy . She took her time and rubbed his neck , talking to him , until he calmed down and then asked him to move forward . He did . Then the most amazing thing happened . He reached down for the bit . Cassandra talked to me about what she was doing while she was riding Ashke . How she was asking him and how she was releasing the ask when he did what she requested . She said he was super sensitive and was doing what she was asking with the slightest pressure . I was freaking impressed . She said he was super smart and had figured it out after being shown one time . She also said he was trying really hard to do what she was asking , but was struggling because it was hard . Then it was my turn . Cassandra was impressed with how much more relaxed and willing Ashke became once I got on him . She took my hands and showed me the amount of pressure I needed to use when I was making contact with his mouth . Then she had me walk and trot , asking him to round his back and move from his hindquarters . She worked with me until I had a walk to trot transitions and a trot to walk transition in either direction with him still lifted underneath me . She showed me and talked me through doing the transitions without him throwing his head up and hollowing his back . It felt amazing . He was amazing . We have something to work on for the next couple of weeks , as long as I can remember how to do what she was telling me to do . When we were done , I bedded him down with some bute . I 'm hoping a couple of doses will help him come back to a pain free place . This blog is filled with the many and varied doings of myself and my horse , sometimes with others and sometimes alone . My definition of Best Ride Ever changes with each new adventure . So I want to talk about something a little different - why I am able to have these incredible horse moments . J . My wife and partner and soul home , who enables and encourages my fascination with my horse and our time sucking activities , who was the first to say , " he is going home with us . " She , who is terrified of horses yet is the first to defend my need to cover myself in horse smell , has been unwavering supportive of this mid - life adventure . In fact , J is the only reason this really works . During the week , when I go to the barn , she picks up T from football , takes him home , walks all three dogs , feeds the animals , fixes dinner , supervises homework and evening snack , empties and fills the dishwasher , and does laundry just so I can spend my evening grooming and riding . This last weekend , while N and I were touring the top of North Table Mountain , J was doing laundry , doing my ironing , replacing the internal parts of T 's toilet to replace the defective mechanism there ( plumbing is always my job ) , and cleaning the bathrooms , instead of taking it easy and watching football . She has also recognized that having a horse is a budget issue of the Nth degree . I don 't know how many times she 's shrugged and acquiesced at that next thing I absolutely need ( this weekend it was a cob sized dressage bridle , reins , riding gloves , treats and shin boots from Dover ) . For a woman who stresses about our budget and bills , she has been very supportive about the money pit that is the horse . I , in turn , try to minimize my purchases ( I didn 't buy the purple helmet I coveted , nor the Irideon breeches we looked at ) to what is absolutely necessary or at least needed . So , the bottom line is , the only reason I get to have my Best Rides Ever , is because of J . I hope she knows how much I appreciate her keeping our home and life together while I am out riding the hills and valleys of our neighboring plains . Posted by Day Two of 30 Day Blog Challenge : What we did last time we rode and where we went . . . We rode North Table Mountain today . We were both very impressed with the stamina of our horses . The climb from the parking lot ( not pictured here ) to the top of the Mesa is about 1000 feet . Both horses did it at a mix of trot and canter . They were a bit sweated at the top , but a two minute rest and a little bit of walking and they were cooled off and ready to go again . I love this picture . Both horses did such a great job on the ride . They both had a ton of energy , even after carrying us to the top of the Mesa . N thought it was a perfect ride . We did lot of trotting and a bit of cantering and there was no racing or run away horse . Ashke listened and was willing to go every time I asked . We rode up from the parking lot and main access to the Mesa , then rode down the fire access road . Ashke has definitely figured out how to get his butt under him going downhill . I was keeping very light contact with his mouth and flexing my two middle fingers in time with how slow I wanted him to step . I found I could get him to really get his butt under him and step slow on the steep parts just by slowing the flex of my fingers . They both came back sound , although N was worried that there was slight swelling in Cali 's RH , so she booted Cali for the night in her BOT standing boots . Hopefully , there are no issues and she is sound and tight tomorrow morning . Ashke was a touch tender in his front right , but not enough that anyone but me could see . I can 't tell if it 's his foot or him compensating for the right hip . I really have a hard time figuring out how we can get to the barn at 10 : 45 , tack up and ride out for two hours , get back and untack and it 's 2 : 30 . Sometimes I think there is some type of time zone difference when we ride . I think I learned this passion from my mother . She has a picture of her riding a horse when she was pregnant with me . She rode a lot when I was young . And she was always supportive of my obsession , even when times were really tough . She was the why . My very earliest memory is of riding . My parents had a friend who owned a horse breeding farm . I knew him as Uncle Merrill . He raised Appaloosas and we would ride on the weekends . My mother was always given this big black mare with a light white blanket named Button , probably close to 16 hands high , who absolutely refused to stand still for my mom to mount . She would wait until my mom got her foot in the stirrup and then she would sidle in a circle while my mom hopped on one leg trying to get enough momentum to get on the horse . My father and Uncle Merrill would stand around laughing their heads off . My second memory was the weekend I turned six . Uncle Merrill decided that was the age at which I should ride a horse by myself . I was put on a three year old Palomino mare named Muffin . We rode up behind the ranch and Muffin turned downhill at a run . My reins were way too long and I had zero control . She ran me down the hill , through a ditch lined with Russian olive trees and ended up on the dirt road leading to the ranch , hair tore up , my arms and face scratched to pieces , in tears . That 's when Uncle Merrill braced me up , told me to stop crying and shorten my reins . He told me if I didn 't he wouldn 't let me ride . At six , I knew I would die inside if I wasn 't able to ride . I was told by my Doctor when I was thrown from the horse in Yellowstone that I should never ride again . He also told me I shouldn 't do anything physical . There was no pain management and after months of waiting for the pain of a ruptured disc to resolve itself , I didn 't ever want to ride again . All I could think of was the pain I had experienced while riding . That was all I could see . For five years I only focused on the pain . And then I started to talk to Lisa about her horse . She invited me out to ride with her on a horse named Twist . I went because I wanted to know if I could ride or if my Doctor was right . I discovered I could ride . I discovered that I wanted to . I started talking to J about getting a horse . And then I was given Ashke and I discovered all over the joy and deep soul relief of having a horse in my life . We did a trail ride today . It is the same ride we 've done more than a dozen times , but today it was like doing it for the first time . There was storm wrack and flotsam from the flooding and rain all over the trail . In some areas the ground was etched with 10 " deep rivulets in the sand and gravel where the water washed down . In other areas , the grass was swept flat from the water that washed over it and in at least two places the trail was impassable at one point . One of those places was a bridge . The water had washed around the footings , taking trail and trees out in it 's rush , but which the City of Arvada had fixed first before working on other stuff . Cali and Ashke were both very forward . I think we are almost to the point where we could trot and canter the circuit and still have fairly fresh horses at the end of our ride . We traveled pretty quickly where we could , but some parts of the trail were so washed out it wasn 't safe to canter , or even trot , for that matter . The long , downhill segment next to the road and the Frisbee golf park was washed away , deep and clinging in some spots , etched with deep trenches in others . At the end of that section , the road dips and there were road closed nets strung up across the trail . N and I decided to go around and see why they had closed the trail . There was a fence and a couple of trees that had washed out , stretching the fencing across the road . We played with the idea of moving the fencing or flattening it down , but there was no way I was going to try to walk Ashke over it , especially since there were other ways we could go . We turned and went under the bridge and up onto the other side of the road . The berm there was very wide and gave us a great space to trot up the hill to the top , where we crossed back over . We also discovered the trail goes alongside a golf course and winds farther back into the neighborhood . We may need to explore that path one of these days . At the top of the hill , we crossed the road again and headed toward Tucker Lake . J and T decided to take a brief rest so N and I continued toward the long hill up . As we were leaving the lake , Cali got really spooky , which was kind of a theme for both horses today because of all the changes in the trail . N turned to try and see what was spooking her and we discovered a very bright , pink girl child chasing us up the hill . N did the proper thing and gave her some pointers on the proper way to approach a horse and I dismounted ( Ashke 's not crazy about small children ) to let her come and greet them . She asked for a ride . We politely declined and suggested her parents take her to a barn and get her a lesson if she wanted to ride . After a couple of minutes we sent her back to her parents and set off again . When we got to the bottom of the hill , neither Cali or Ashke was in any mood to go quietly up : this hill is one of their favorite places to race and race we did . At the top we stopped and waited for J and T . Then T took off up the long hill . We walked up past the boggy part ( there is still so much moisture and standing water in places ) and then Cali moved in front of Ashke and galloped up the hill . I let Ashke go , but I was fighting him the entire way . When Cali is in front all he wants to do is race . We pulled up and N asked me why I didn 't just let him go . I told her I was afraid he wasn 't ever going to stop . ( I meant that he would keep racing until he had definitely won and although that might be fun on a flat track , it 's not really something I 'm happy about where we are riding ) . N told me that all I had to do is sit back , tighten my knees and ask him to slow down and he would . ( She was talking about me letting her get out in front and then cantering Ashke up to her . Except that Ashke hates being left and gets very vertical when that happens . Think Lippizzan capriole . ) She suggested that I give him his head and then I would understand what she was talking about . She moved Cali into the grass and took off at the canter . As soon as Ashke hit the grass he left the area at a dead run . This was a source of great entertainment to T as I went racing past him with a look of utmost terror on my face , reins clenched in one hand , holding the saddle in the other , trying to steer Ashke around the ground terrors waiting for us . There is one place where the road curves to the left and the two foot of mown grass veers with it . We went straight ahead . The grass is knee high and spotted with big yellow bushes and yucca plants , which Ashke delights in jumping , still at a dead run . She took exception and shot both hind feet at Ashke as we streaked by , who responded with a double hoof kick out back . N was shouting that we were too close and I shouted back that I had no control . Ashke was going to win ; hell , high water and rocks be damned . N realizing I was on a run away , slowed Cali and at that point Ashke began listening again . We stopped . I was laughing and gasping for breath , while N kept trying to apologize . We agreed that my " letting him go " wasn 't a good idea and that I was right when I said he wasn 't going to stop . N had no idea we were gaining on her , but Cali knew , and the double hind leg kick at us was a surprise . Then the kid joined us and laughed at me , doing screwy faces to show N what I looked like as I streaked past him . Both horses were really up and had no desire to slow down . We did give them a little bit of a break , while I checked Ashke 's boots . Something strange happened about then . The bicycle riders became very polite , slowing and asking if they could pass before going past us . Several of them got off their bikes and stood at the very edge of the path until we had gone by . At least one guy went completely off trail to bypass us . N was amazed , since at least part of our ride is taken up with educating the riders on the dangers of not letting us know they are there , or who has the right of way on the trail . They were so polite . So cautious . We thought it was our lucky day . * * The stream bed was destroyed . Further East , it widened into a fifty foot swath that took out the sidewalk around Arvada Res . There were huge trees that were uprooted and swept downstream . Thankfully the bridge was still there and they had filled in the huge gaping hole cut by the stream ( raging river ) between the trail we were on and the bridge . The dirt path they had filled in was at least twenty feet wide . It would have sucked to have had to turn around and back track to get home . * * * Again , every time a bike rider came by they were very respectful , pulling off to the side or waiting for us to tell them it was okay . Even the people walking with their dogs were very polite . When we finally caught up with J and T , T asked how the bicyclists were behaving . We said that they were being amazingly polite when they came up to us , stopping and waiting . Both J and T busted up laughing . We decided we needed to have them ride in front of us all the time . At the last bridge before the neighborhood , T passed a biker going the other direction at a very fast rate of speed . The trail takes a 90 degree turn and then crosses the bridge . We were just entering the bridge when the fast biker would have hit the corner on the other side , except T told him there were horses that kick and the guy braked hard . He was also very polite going past . I 'm not sure I like the new display on iOS 7 . And I forgot my phone , where I have the app settings so I can see what I want . J downloaded this after we were on the trail , so we get what we get . And J carried it with her , instead of me carrying it on the horse , so the map isn 't exactly right , but at least there is some information . I 've decided to do the 30 day challenge , but probably not 30 days in a row . On the days I have a ride to write about , I will do that instead . That way you all aren 't expected to read more than a post a day . Because otherwise , how would you get anything done ? Last night , N and I met to ride in the outdoor arena . I hadn 't ridden since Tuesday night but N had taken a lesson from Dolly Hannon on Wednesday . I guess Dolly is Cassandra 's mentor / coach / trainer and a pretty big name in dressage circles ( yes , and now you know I know nothing about dressage but what I am absorbing through discussion and blog posts ) . I guess Dolly didn 't point out anything that Cassandra hadn 't seen in N 's riding , although I guess she was a little more harsh in her communication style . N wanted to work on some of her stuff , so we measured out a twenty meter circle so N and Cali could work on cantering in a 20m circle . For the record , 20m is just over 65 feet . Ashke and I worked on warming up slow , although his hip seemed to be fine . We did several circuits of the arena at a long , fast walk , where he is working to stretch and flex , rather than taking short strides . This is the walk that Cali can 't keep up with unless she is trotting . After he was warm and loose , we moved to working on the trot . My western roots are showing , because I want his trot to be slow and collected . We have worked a little on extending it , but I 'm not sure I am doing it correctly . That will be one of the questions I have for Cassandra on Tuesday when I take a lesson with her . After the trot work , we did some cantering . We did three or so circuits to the left without stopping , then trotted and then cantered again . Ashke 's canter to the left is amazing for about 3 / 4 of the arena and then he gets rough . I think he cross - canters to take the stress off his right hip . I gathered him up and made him continue and he smoothed out . We worked in that direction until we were both puffing with exertion . Then I walked him until he had cooled and we turned to the right . I forced both of us to go around for three circuits , even though it was tough . I have such a difficult time riding him to that direction and he is so much rougher , but we stuck it out . The only way we are going to get better is if we continue to try . After that , I was out of breath and soaked in sweat . I don 't ever remember it being this hard when I was a kid . We walked it out and then stopped and watched horse trailers driving in to train with Cassandra . N was working Cali in the twenty meter circle at a canter and Ashke was fine with just standing . At one point N was working the rail , asking Cali to move off her leg so Ashke and I decided to play with the cones we were using to mark out the circle . I rode him in a figure eight around the cones at a trot , using my heel to help him bend around the cone a little more quickly . I 'm doing this while neck reining , rather than direct reining him . He caught onto the pattern pretty quick , so I asked him to canter . We blew past the cone the first time , heading for distance pastures . I pulled him around and we worked the figure eight again at a trot . Then we tried to do it at a canter . We made the first turn and I slowed him to a trot , then cued for the other lead . He picked it right up and circled the second cone fairly tightly . Good boy ! We ended on that note and just spent the rest of our time walking out . Today we get to trail ride with J and T and N and Cali for the first time in what seems like months . Posted by Clear skies ( mostly ) with temps in the mid to upper 80 's . Meanwhile , the flooding has moved East to Sterling , where the South Platte continues to evade it 's banks . But here , the blue sky and sunshine has lifted my spirits a touch . The only bummer is the sun is beginning to set much earlier . Despite the puddles on the ground and in the outdoor arena , we opted to ride outside . The indoor had four jumps and eight riders in it and we decided dealing with a little mud would be easier on our horses . I swear this horse LOVES mud . He hasn 't been in turnout , just laying down in his run . It took me twenty minutes to make him somewhat white again . Not that he was complaining , mind you . He enjoyed the extra grooming a lot . We tacked up and went to the outdoor arena . It looked to me like he was favoring his right hind leg just a little bit and I asked N if she could tell . It was her thought that perhaps he was stiff , in part from the weather , and I should warm him up slowly . We did . I hand walked him around the arena twice before getting on and then asked him to stretch and extend his walk for a couple of circuits in both directions . Meanwhile , Cali acted like a baby to the tune of bucking , kicking , rearing and sunfishing every time she was asked to Canter . N applied the sidereins , which Cali took exception to , and then proceeded to try and do all of those things while wearing the side reins . Cassandra came out about the time N was getting on and verbally coached N while she was fighting with Cali . In the end , N got Cali to settle and do exactly what she wanted her to do . Ashke and I rode around the outside of the arena , worked on our trot and some turns , but mostly sat and talked with Cassandra . Rachel , one of the trainers , riding China , came to join us . I told her I would wait and ride with her until she was done . N finished with Cali and headed to the barn and Ashke lost his freaking mind . I got off of him before the fight could get out of hand , and then let him buck and kick and tear around me like a complete idiot , with blowing and loud snorts . He was so upset that Cali was leaving and he was expected to stay in the arena and be a good horse . I think it kind of unsettled Rachel , since he was rearing and striking out with his front feet in protest . Not AT me , just in protest . He did get whacked on the neck for snapping at me with his teeth , but he didn 't try to bite again , after that one time . I need to bring out a lunge line when I am working him in the arena , because I don 't think it 's good on his haunch for him to tear around me in such a tiny circle . I move with him and the circles are more of an oval . I also made him move in both directions , even though he wanted to circle to the right ( easier on his RH ) . After about ten minutes , he worked it out of his system . At that point , I walked his steaming butt over to the mounting block and got back on . The last thing I want him thinking is that blowing up like that gets him out of work . Instead , we did some turning , some serpentines , and working on neck reining . Every time he got too up , we turned into the fence ( makes his turns much tighter and doesn 't give him any where to go ) and went in the other direction . Since he was mostly up on the way TO the gate , this pretty much nipped that behavior in the bud . Little poop . Finally , Rachel and I were both finished . China had gotten a little up when Ashke was throwing his fit , but settled right back into work when Ashke calmed down . While we were walking them out , I asked Rachel about being able to work cows at the barn and she said they were going to have a " cow day " or maybe a " cow weekend " in October , November and December . Woot ! I think Ashke might be pretty amazing with cows , if he would just stop snorting and spooking at them . If nothing else , it exposes him to one more thing and gives him something to think about . And , if I ever get serious about the Working Equitation ( which I am , kind of ) he needs to be able to team pen and sort cattle . It 's part of the event . There is also the possibility of being able to work buffalo . That just gives me shivers . I saw Ashke on Friday night and he still had some hives on his shoulders and belly . The indoor arena was very wet and I opted not to ride . Instead we got the joy and pleasure of wearing the balance system ( similar to the pessoa ) and a twenty minute work out . Ashke spent the first five minutes bucking . At a canter in both directions . It was amusing . Then he settled down and dropped his head , although it is so much more difficult on a lunge line then it is when he is in the round pen . He worked til he was warm , but not hot . I could detect a slight hesitation in his right hip . I think it 's from when he was jumping the cavalletti poles a week or so ago . I think this hip would keep him from being able to participate in endurance , but it 's not enough to keep us from enjoying ourselves on the trail . N says he moves that leg a little different from the others , and I am hoping that will get better as he continues to get stronger . I may need to focus some time on riding hills to help strengthen his back and butt . I didn 't make it out on Saturday or Sunday . I was feeling crappy enough that with the exception of shopping at Costco on Saturday morning , I didn 't leave the house those two days . I don 't know if it 's the weather , the flooding , the lack of sunshine , the anxiety and depression that seems to infuse Colorado right now , my sore throat and horrible cough . I just know I had less than zero energy and spent time napping in my recliner while listening to football on the TV . I will be back out to the barn on Tuesday . My plan is to ride Tues , Thurs , Fri , Sat and Sunday . That 's the plan . We shall have to see . Pretty smart solution to the issue . Hopefully , the horses stay calm and the indoor arena doesn 't flood . Does kind of cut down on the amount of riding you can do there , however . Just to put this picture in perspective . The creek is on the left . There used to be a 15 ' bank to a cheery little creek meandering through the willows where the coyotes would come to drink . The water looks to be at least 10 ' deep , if not more . The wide plain of water between the creek and the paddocks is where we stood to take pictures of Ashke with Liz . Just off camera to the right is a gravel road that runs from the main parking lot between the Indoor Arena and the Main Barn to the upper paddocks . This is the other side of the creek . You can see the gravel road leading from the parking lot to the upper paddocks . This swath of water is where a low grazing area used to be . Now , it is raging stream . That edge you can see is what used to be a drop off into the canal . There has to be fifteen feet of water there . And a drain pipe . And there used to be a small dirt pathway between the lower creek and the upper pond , which is lined with cattails and some old cottonwood trees . Thankfully , all of the horse paddocks are on high ground and the horses are all safe . Ashke and Cali are bedded down in their stalls , and although I 'm sure Ashke is a bit bored not being able to play with Fool or Pearl , he is healthy , dry and safe . N says that his run is pretty decent too , which makes me feel good about putting the squeegee in his run . This is where the road used to be going to the upper paddocks . I 'm very curious how they are getting hay from the hay barn up there and dropping the shavings / stall muck onto the muck pile which is at the upper end of the property . The water to the right has to be eight or nine feet deep . And then you have this . A poor little lost crayfish on the parking lot instead of in his stream , like he should be . I am having mental issues with figuring out why this whirlpool is happening in the middle of this pool of water . There has to be a drain down there that is emptying onto the other side of the gravel road . Although the other side of the gravel road is the very first picture I posted , so I 'm not sure how the water is moving fast enough to cause a whirlpool . Curious . We are , thankfully , dry and safe at home . Our condo is on a hill and with the improvements to the building that were completed 18 months ago , there is no accummulation of water in our crawl space . The dogs aren 't happy with the rain , they definitely prefer snow , but other than that we are doing great . I think our rain total is over 10 " for the city of Thornton . Unfortunately , the rain is predicted to continue until Monday . The small town of Lyons was completely evacuated by the National Guard this morning , Hwy 34 from Loveland to Estes Park has lost it 's road in two places , which does not bode well for getting to Estes Park . The only way in or out of Estes is over Trail Ridge road , I 've been told . Hopefully , there will be no snow until the access roads up are fixed . Estes Park has gotten 15 " of rain in the past two days . At one inch of rain per 10 " of snow , they could have had 12 . 5 FEET of snow , had this storm come when it was a tad bit colder . Boulder is under heavy flooding . The pictures coming out of there make me very happy J and I haven 't pursued our dream of living in Boulder . Boulder has gotten at least 15 " of rain as well . Posted by By Sunday night both horses blew up with hives . N called the vet and he told her that horses only get hives after consistent exposure ( 4 or 5 times ) but I 'm pretty sure there was something in the water on Sunday , and only Sunday , that caused them to have hives . The reason I think this is because they both have hives right up to the line where the water reached while they were standing in the water on Sunday . There is so much water falling out of the sky in Colorado tonight that the thought of riding is less than appealing . Most of the Front Range has received 10 " + over the past 36 hours . There isn 't a body of water here that isn 't over it 's banks . Tomorrow , though , I should be able to get out . When I first started riding I was four and a half years old . At that point I wasn 't much more than a big toddler taken along for the ride on any horse I was on . I was given a shetland pony for my eighth birthday and began participating in 4 - H ; weekly meetings and the county and state shows at the end of summer . During this phase in my life I was stick thin , wiry strong and often mistaken for a boy . I know it didn 't help that I preferred to wear blue , green , brown or black and jeans whenever I could . I kept my hair cut short and played hard when I played . We jousted with broomsticks and boxing gloves . We played Planet of the Apes with real BB guns and nets made out of baling twine . My comrades and playmates were all boys and our playground the wide open fields and canals of Southeast Idaho . All of my time was spent on horses , riding for ten or twelve hours a day . Nothing much changed as I grew older , however . I stayed stick thin and undeveloped until I was almost sixteen . Even then , I was not a " if you 've got it , flaunt it " kind of girl and always picked clothes that masked or obscured my developing chest . In Jr High and High School , I was known as a " Pirate 's Dream " , meaning sunken chest . It wasn 't until I was in my early twenties and no longer riding that my chest developed into a decent C cup . Then came Clomid and childbirth . My decent C cup grew and grew and grew . I have spent years wearing bras that were too small to hold me , primarily because 1 ) I hate bras and refuse to spend a ton of money on them and 2 ) I refuse to wear an underwire , because I hate them . My current bra was a Bali , DDD , and just has not been doing the job . I decided that after 35 years of wearing the same style of bra ( little support ) that it was time to break down and buy a Playtex . They make bras that have great support without underwires . I measured my chest according to the charts . I am an H cup . Freaking Porn Star . Not that I 'm really comfortable with that assessment , and no one would want to admire my 52 year old chest in the pages of a magazine , however , just based on size , I 'm freaking huge . ( This is what comes of praying for a large chest - several decades to late to stop the teasing in High School , however . ) So finding a bra in an H cup for less than $ 50 is pretty much impossible . Playtex doesn 't go that big . They do , however , sell a G cup for $ 20 . I ordered them and tried them out on Sunday . First off , the fit is pretty good . Okay the right side is still a little squished , but I can 't order a bra that has a G cup on the left and an H or I on the right . It has amazing support . No pinching , no binding , and no rash . And , the most amazing thing . . . . my back pain was significantly less . In fact , during our ride I didn 't feel my back pull at all . And my back feels much better today than it has in years . I can 't believe that the weight of my chest was causing so much back pain . I 'm seriously going to have to look into the benefits and costs of breast reduction surgery . If it can help aleviate the ongoing back pain , which sometimes reaches crippling pain levels , it might be worth it to not ride for six weeks . Posted by N and I had quite the day . We met at the barn about 11 : 45 to do a trail ride . When Ashke saw me in the aisle of the barn he whinnied and then whinnied again . I think he was so happy to see me . I think he knew we were going out on the trail . We got them brushed and then we had to take pictures of Cali 's feet with and without boots so N can send them to Easyboot and we can figure out why the boots keep coming off . Although , after today , I think getting the boots wet is part of the problem , along with Cali clipping the back of her front boot with her hind boots . After pictures , we got them tacked up and headed out . They were both really up and raring to go . We went through the neighborhood to the trail , turned right and went over the bridge . As we were going over the bridge I realized there was a trail directly in front of us leading out across the field . I asked N if she was interested in exploring and she said yes , so we went straight out over the field . Ashke and I cantered right up to the point where we both saw a small ditch , and then the canter slowed significantly . Ashke doesn 't like ditches . I held him to a trot after that , in part because I wanted to make sure his hip had time to warm up so we didn 't pull anything . About three quarters of the way across the field we came up on a deeper ditch . There was a ditch running perpendicular to the trail we were on , that had a ditch coming off of it , running West to East . At the point where the trail we were following crossed it , the ditch had split , so there were two ditches only about two feet apart . I looked at it and evaluated my possibilities . Then I got off . I couldn 't see any possible way to cross those two ditches without risking Ashke . There wasn 't enough space between the two ditches for him to stop , balance and then jump the second ditch . I wasn 't sure I wanted to try riding it , either . Ashke was very snorty and wasn 't sure he wanted to follow me through the obstacle . He managed to walk through the first ditch ( which I don 't think he would have done if I had been on him ) , and then balked for a few moments , thinking about it , then leaped like a deer . I would have been toast . I was praising Ashke when I heard N yelling , " I 'm coming off , I 'm coming off " and I turned to see her trying to control Cali while hanging off the side of her , mane clutched in one hand . Cali was wonderful and stopped , even though she seemed a bit confused by N 's behavior . N righted herself without hitting the ground and decided to try the ditches again . Cali walked through both going back out ( downhill and the second ditch was much shallower and narrower ) . I watched this time as they started back . Cali jumped the first ditch and landed her front feet on the triangle patch of ground . As she did her hind feet landed in the ditch . Then she launched herself over the second ditch , with her hindquarters much lower than her front feet . She too leaped like a deer and really had to propel her haunches up and out of the ditch . That was what I was expecting to have happen with Ashke if we had tried to cross . I explained to N what had happened and it really explained why she wasn 't ready for the deer jump . We continued on at a trot on a track with prairie dog holes on either side . We found a new little lake and there was nifty little track that Cali cantered on and we trotted . We made our way to 64th and turned East and backtracked a little bit to get back onto the normal path to Tucker Lake . N needed to work Cali on some transitions and Ashke and I had a bit of a conversation about keeping his trot collected , even when extended . Both horses seemed to know where we were going and were very excited about getting to Tucker Lake . At Tucker Lake we stripped saddles and bridles and boots . Put them in a halter and lead rope , then I stripped off my boots . Both horses went into the water without hesitation . Both horses laid down in the water . Ashke went out so deep that I was in the water up to mid chest ( just under my boobs ) with the lead rope stretched to it 's fullest . He acted like he was going to swim to the middle of the lake . Instead he swam in a half circle until he got his feet down into the mud again . He did it twice . Finally , they were ready to come out and N and I wanted to eat our lunch . About that time a woman with two dogs showed up and Cali tried to lose her mind . N had her working circles around her with a hill on one side of the circle . Ashke looped a leg through his rope and almost lost his mind . I had to drop the rope and hope that he would stand still ( I was betting he wouldn 't leave Cali ) until I could walk up to him and get him untangled . It was very scarey for me and I mentioned to N that we needed to do some Parelli work with him over the winter until ropes don 't bother him any more . About the time Cali relaxed enough to be saddled again , N realized Cali was covered with hives . They were on Cali 's chest , legs , belly and creeping up her neck . I checked Ashke and sure enough he had the same thing . We saddled and headed for home , hoping it wouldn 't get worse . Going home was very interesting . Ashke started kicking out and bucking every time we cantered . He didn 't do it at the trot , only at the canter . That made for an interesting ride . We would canter , he would buck , we would slow to a trot and Cali would canter on . Ashke did a lot of leg yields , turning and backing until he finally listened and trotted like I wanted . I wasn 't real interested in cantering if he was going to buck . Cali decided she didn 't want to canter if Ashke wasn 't chasing her or she wasn 't chasing Ashke . We had to brave two really scarey squirrels and a bizarre red car that Ashke really thought was going to eat him . By the time we got back to the barn the hives had lessened but not disappeared . We washed both horses with Tea Tree oil and had Cassandra check them out . She thought we should wait and see , which coincided with what N and I had figured out . Neither horse was showing issues with their breathing , their face and the hives were smaller than they started out . N is checking on them now . Well , the hives are worse . And we had conformation that at least three cities sprayed for mosquitos ( West Nile ) . Not so good . N is calling the vet and seeing if he thinks he needs to come out tonight . We think they both need a good dose of Dex . The good news is , he 's eating . Doesn 't seem to have a fever . Neither of us even thought about the fact that they might have sprayed for West Nile . |
First and foremost , Merry Christmas to all . I 'll start from where I left off in my last post . My mom was admitted to the hospital on the 13th , where they treated her for her bladder infection and watched her calcium levels go down ( but not enough in my opinion ) . On Thursday of that week , she was transferred to a nursing home for physical therapy to start walking and regaining her strength . I went to visit her on that Friday . She was aware of where she was and not happy about it . She was not walking but would get up and walk some . She was feeding herself and asking to smoke and leave . She wasn 't where I had hoped but seemed to be getting some better . I had to go back to work so I didn 't see her until Wednesday . My sister had spent several days with her and kept saying she wasn 't getting any better . She took mom to the dr on Monday and they had scheduled a CatScan for Wednesday . On Wednesday , I went back to see her . She was so much worse . I spent the day crying - - I tried to not cry in front of her but the tears kept coming . She couldn 't talk , walk or feed herself . She was confused but seemed to know what was going on . I had stopped at her dr 's office to ask him to see her but he was out of the office . They scheduled an appt for Thursday . My heart was so broken . Everyone in the family was so very worried and there were more tears shed than has been cried by our family in the past ten years . I stayed at my parents house on Wednesday night . Cowboy was coming down of Friday for our Christmas celebration . Thursday morning , when I arrived at the nursing home , mom couldn 't even sit up straight in her wheel chair . She was so out of it . More tears for me . I took her to the dr and he took one look at her and sent her to the ER . Thank God . Once she was at the ER , the doctor there took time to look at her records and did a few blood test and sent her on to KU Med center . Again , thank God . Her calcium levels were up another point - - normal is 10 . She was at 13 . 8 , up from 12 . 8 when she was first hospitalized a week before . I left to paPosted by This weekend was such a bag of mixed emotions . On Saturday , my niece came up and we crafted Christmas presents all weekend . It was a blast and I totally enjoyed myself and I think she did too . Sunday was my family ( extended ) Christmas lunch . I was so looking forward to spending time with the cousins and catching up . This was our year to host so I went straight to the building before stopping by Mom and Dad 's . When Mom arrived , I was surprised and shocked . She looked so bad - - really beyond bad . She was barely coherent and couldn 't really talk . She would start to say something and then loose track of what she was saying and she couldn 't stand and walk without someone holding on to her . About 1 : 30p , she wanted to go home so my nephew and I helped her home and put her to bed . When I got back to the gathering , I talked with my dad and he broke down and started crying . I 've only seen my dad cry once in his life at his mom 's funeral . My heart broke . He doesn 't know what to do or how to handle the situation . So we put together a plan . My sister would go with him to the hospital for pre - op instructions . My brother and I would take off work and call my mom 's doctor and deal with mom . Long story short , straight to the ER where they found out mom had a really severe bladder infection and very toxic calcium levels . She was admitted and now we 're hoping we can get her medicine figured out and get her on the road to recovery . The whole situation has taken an emotional toll on everyone . My heart breaks for both of my parents . I was going to post pictures up of my Christmas Craft but blogger is not cooperating . My niece is coming tomorrow to have a crafting weekend with me . I 'm pretty excited . Cowboy being gone at this time of year is great because it allows me time to decorate for Christmas . However , I decided that before I could decorate , the house needed to be cleaned . Heating our house with a wood stove is great because we don 't have a huge gas bill but the downside is dust . I was sitting on the couch and noticed the fine layer of dust under the couches , table , entertainment center , etc . It was driving me crazy . So I cleaned under everything . I mean everything and then put a floor polish on the hardwoods . Our house is spotless . It looks great and all " Christmas - ie " . I feel like I got a ton accomplished today and Cowboy will never know how much work it took . So the fan on the wood stove stopped working and the kitchen sink is not draining very fast . Actually , it drains at the rate of a turtle stuck in his shell . I had to break down and tell Cowboy after my awesome neighbor came over to look at it . I was hoping it would get fixed before he came home . No such luck . Speaking of Cowboy . He called me today and told me that my folks invited him to the community supper . He went and ate and played bingo . It just cracks me up to think of him going to our small town community dinner and playing bingo with all the old country folks . Tomorrow is craft day . That is after I sleep in forever in the morning . I secretly love this time of year . No not the beginning of Winter or December , but the beginning of deer season . Cowboy leaves me for several days . He 's gone and I get the whole house to myself . No one complaining if I 'm blogging or on Facebook . No one to pick up after or complain if I don 't have the dishes done . No one to tell me what I need to do or what I should do . I 'm going to decorate for Christmas . It 's so much better to do this with Cowboy being gone . He won 't complain about the mess or the fuss that goes into making the house look festive . I like my moments of singleness . I was single for 40 years give or take a few relationship in there . I like revisiting the times of being single . But don 't want to go back so my little vacation is a nice break . I 'm really irritated with work . It 's getting under my skin . The issues is really about having some folks on staff that need to develop more skills in working with people . ( My staff is being punitive with clients right now . ) We 've identified that and will develop a plan to improve that but still , it gets to me . When something starts to bother me , I tend to get bothered by every little thing . One area that is really bugging me is the work ethic of some of my staff . They are late to work but expect to leave right on time and then complain when their work is not done . They expect to not have any problems or consequences when all of their work is not done . And then they get mad at me when I have to address the problem . I was talking with a co - worker about this and she made a comment about the new generation of worker . Really , have we lost our work ethic . Has our society really forgotten that we can 't get things for free . Have we lost the value of doing an honest days labor and settle for instant gratification and selfishness ? I hope not . I hope it 's just me being annoyed . It 's been a busy week and no blogging was done . So just like last week , here 's a recap . Sunday : Dinner with the son and daughter - in - law was good . Everything turned out good and the boys ate a ton . I tried making an apple pie for the first time ever and it turned out yummy . We spent most of the day there . It was good . Monday : My boss finally finalized my evaluation and it was very good . My hard work was noticed and I even got an unusual bonus . It was big and nice and I was thrilled . Tuesday : nothing exciting happened . Wednesday : I earned every bit of my bonus and more . Work was frustrating and I was only there until 12 : 30pm . I rushed over to my friends house and to decorate for her wedding . Then it was off to home to pack and back for the wedding . The wedding was very nice and they were surrounded by their family and friends without lots of big to - do . I drove home and Cowboy stayed behind . Thursday : Cowboy came to the farm and I cooked the big Thanksgiving meal for the whole family . The family was there and we had a great day . I love spending time with all the siblings and my mom and dad . I am very fortunate to have the loving family that I have . Friday and Saturday : Both days were very trying for me . My mom isn 't getting around very well . We spent most of the day in the house doing nothing and I mean , nothing . Friday night we did go eat Mexican and Saturday we did venture to town to buy cornbread . I love my parents dearly and it 's hard to watch them age and not be able to get around very well . Dad is having knee replacement surgery in Jan . Mom is just struggling to walk and get around well . She 's almost stopped driving all together and doesn 't have much energy . I know the were thrilled to have us home . Sunday : Cowboy and I left the farm early . He had a large load of wood on his new trailer . I got home to do laundry and then worked in the yard for about 3 hours . Cowboy unloaded wood and then we went to the store and bought a new TV . Yeah , we had talked about getting one for a long time and have looked and looked . It wasPosted by Time to Recap the week : Last Sunday : Cowboy best buddy drove through town after deer hunting and ended up staying all night . Cowboy was pretty happy to see him . He lives in Tennessee and doesn 't get to spend much time with him so it was good to have him around . Monday : The state was in to audit our programs this week . It 's a big deal and I remember when I first started that we did a lot of scrambling around to make sure everything is like it should be . We don 't do that anymore but it 's still stressful and not a fun process . They were her until Thursday . We ended up having to give $ 520 . $ 0 from my program . Great audit for us , since most agencies our size gives back $ 3000 and our mental health side of the agency had to give back $ 6000 . Tuesday : pretty non - eventful day - - more state auditing . Wednesday : My friend came over to have a dress altered and I ended up ruining the dress . I was ironing the part that I fixed and the iron melted a hole . I felt so horrible . I ran to the fabric store to find some matching fabric with no luck . But I came up with a plan . Thursday : My quest continued to find fabric . No luck so I presented my options to my friend . I hope she continues to be my friend . I also decided that I wasn 't working on Friday . My little celebration for a great audit . Friday : We decided to play it by ear . Stayed in bed until 9 : 30 . Went to the gym . Came home and Cowboy 's friend returned . They went out and shot pool for a couple of hours . They came home a little tipsy . Cowboy managed to grill steaks and we had a yummy dinner . Saturday : I found a great tee time , at a great course for a great price . We headed out to play the last round of the year . Cowboy and I had a couple play in with us and it turns out the the guy that joined us was the little brother of a friend of mine 20 + years ago . ( I had such a huge crush on his older brother ) . Small world . I parred the last hold to win dinner . It was a fun day . Sunday : ( not here yet ) We are planning on going over to Cowboy 's son 's house and taking a BIG thanksgiving dinner over therPosted by I 'm tired . Sleep issues . I can fall asleep but I can 't stay asleep . I 'm awake for a couple of hours in the middle of the night . It doesn 't make me happy . I just want to sleep every single night all night long . Is that too much to ask ? A week of solid sleep with no getting up to pee , letting the dog out , is that too much to ask for ? Really , I don 't want to be selfish but couldn 't that just happen for me ? I seem to always end up in a leadership role . Sometimes by choice , sometimes by work and sometimes because no one else steps forward . I don 't really mind most of the time . Except tonight . I came home to a message from a neighbor complaining rudely about another neighbor . So much for being president of the Home Owner Association . Can I duck this responsibility ? Don 't think I can ignore this one . We have the hoarders that have moved in next door . Actually the hillbilly hoarders have moved in . They fenced in their backyard for the dog but when I drove by the other day , the back yard was filled with junk . So now they put up an 8 sided chain link fence ( like panels ) for their dog . The back of the house is lined with 5 gallon buckets . And now there are 7 cars in the driveway with one being a big old " dollar " van . Really ! Really - - just go away . On another note , our insurance company denied paying for a doctors visit for Cowboy . It was only $ 68 but it 's $ 68 that they need to pay . So I appealed the denial . We finally got the news today that it was overturned and the insurance company is paying . . . . good for me . My husband was just going to pay it . Yeah for me again ! Have you ever been in a grocery store , you have seen little kid throwing an absolute fit and their parent acting even worse . It makes me want to step in most of the time and break up the situation for both the kids sake and the parent sake . Tonight , I stopped by the grocery store and it must have been bring you kids grocery shopping night . Lots of kids everywhere . As I was approaching an isle , I heard a dad say , " I 'm about ready to throw your toy away , then we wouldn 't have all this drama . " My first thought was , here we go again - - another big scene where both lose control and it all turns out bad . However , when I got to the end of the isle , I saw the dad standing face to face with his about 7 year old daughter . She had her hands resting on his and they were looking each other in the eye and he was saying to her , " I just want you to breathe " . She was calming down and the drama was done . What a wonderful way to deal with a trying situation . My poor sadie got bit . We have a fence across the street from us that is old and rickety . I know there are two dogs that stay in that back yard . Every time I walk Sadie past this fence , the two dogs bark and then will sometimes get in a fight or some kind of skirmish . Last week , they got out and Cowboy and a neighbor semi patched the fence . Well the dogs busted through the fence again today and came after Sadie . Cowboy was outside but didn 't see it happen and Sadie ran into the garage . But one of them , bit Sadie on the front shoulder . She was bleeding a lot . Cowboy cleaned her up and took the bloody towel over to the dog owners house . He said he ' didn 't chew his ass ' much but firmly let him know he needed to fix his fence and not let he dogs bust through the fence . Cowboy then helped him find his dogs and get them back home . He has pampered Sadie all evening . My poor baby girl . She is not a fighter . She 's a lover . So the question of the day yesterday . . . What is something your partner does not know about you ? So I posed the question to Cowboy . At first , he said I knew everything about him . But as we talked more and more , I actually learned a few things about him . When he was 4 years old , his family was very poor . His dad and his uncle went to a nearby city to a department store . They had lots of kids bicycles in the front of the store . Cowboy 's dad found a bike and walked it up and down the front of the store and when he got to the end , he kept on walking . Put it in the back of the truck and drove out of town . Cowboy loved the bike . It wasn 't until years later that he found out his dad didn 't actually pay for the bike . Another year , when money was scarce , Cowboy 's mom said she didn 't want the usual cedar tree from the pasture but they couldn 't afford $ 25 for a store bought tree . Cowboy and his buddy went to town and got a tree and delivered it to his mom at 10p at night . His mom asked where he got it and Cowboy replied that he got the tree from the store . His mom noted that the store closed at 8p . Yep . . . he just helped himself to the tree . He put it in the back of the truck , laid down with it and rode that way until he got out to the country . Cowboy 's family and Christmas . . . . oh , my . I swear when I retire I 'm going to write a book . No two books . One will be about all the excuse that clients give when they test positive for drugs . . . . . " I was having sex with my boyfriend and he was using it . " Really ? Like his sperm will absorb into your blood stream . " I wasn 't using it , I was just touching it . " Really , so if you touched gasoline , you would pee it out ? My next book . . . They crazy things that employees do that will get them fired . It 's okay to come to work as a substance abuse counselor drunk . And not just drunk , blowing a . 25 drunk . Or apparently , it 's no problem to move clients into you home and have sex with them . Really , what is wrong with people . My friend is getting married . I stopped by her house tonight to look at a few wedding plans . I called Cowboy on my way home . He asked if my friend was excited . I made the comment that I hoped that they could be at least as half as happy as we are . To which Cowboy replied , " if they could be half as happy as we are , they will be twice as happy as most people . " Cowboy buys and sells for a living . He will look for car , trucks , windmills , you name it for other people and will charge a small finders fee for buying something or a small fee for selling something for someone else . This week he found a sweet , 2006 Grand Prix , fully loaded , super clean car with 44 , 000 miles for $ 8500 for my niece . He was teasing her about a finders fee . Today , my sister was her along with my mom , other sister and niece . My sister tried to give Cowboy some money for finding the car . But Cowboy wouldn 't take it . He told me later he thought of the perfect thing to say only a little late . He said he should have said , " I don 't want a finders fee from the Page family , because I already found the best thing about the Page family , MJ . " AAAHHH . . . . . One of my favorite things to do in the fall , is to go to craft shows . I get great ideas and find great things to buy . A craft show that I went to a couple of weeks ago , I found a booth that was selling charms and beads . I found a couple of charms that I loved and then picked out 5 beads and the lady made the necklace for me right on the spot . Here is the pics of it . I love it . Today , I went to another craft show and got my idea for Christmas presents for all my friends and family . Can 't wait to get started on them . I 'll post pics when I make them . So we finally got DT ( the deer ) home from the taxidermy shop . We named him DT for his drop tine . We then had to re - arrange the man 's room . Cowboy is very proud of his deer and is looking forward to shooting his son this winter . He looks really good and his eyes are so lifelike . Here 's the view from the top of the stairs . DT is on the left and Bucky is on the right . Yes those are antlers all over the place . We spend most of the winter in the man 's room and all summer in the living room upstairs . The coyote skins were moved over the couch and lined up all in a row . It really feels like a man cave down there now . I thinks it 's better all in one room and not all over the house . It seems like the last couple of weeks , I have turned over my cooking duties to my hubby . I love to cook . And so does he . Many nights , he will take over since I have worked all day . And I have let him do this . I love being pampered . This week , I got back in the kitchen - - well , at least , two nights this week , I have gotten back in the kitchen . It felt good . I love to cook . I especially love to cook for my hubby . I think I 'll make a commitment to cook at least one night a week . Oh , I even cleaned up and did the dishes . I usually let him do that also . Not going to guarantee that I will do that all the time . Cowboy and I went out for dinner and on our way home , we catch the neighborhood teenager making out in the car with his girlfriend . Cowboy slows down so the head lights are shining in the car . He then drives by slowly and honks and give the poor kid the thumbs . Cowboy said it reminded him of the saying , " She the little girl all dressed in pink , she 's the one that made my finger stink " . To which I replied , " You would know " . He said they were all stories , just stories . He said , the guys would sit around the break room and say , " tell us a story Whitey " and he would tell stories about making his finger stink . He 's a dandy . My Cowboy spoils me all the time . But he spoils me especially when it that " time of the month " . I think that he is afraid of period time . I also think that he 's thankful that he 's not a woman and doesn 't go through this monthly . Whatever it is , I 'll let him spoil me . He fixes my dinner and lets me eat it in front of the TV . He lets me skip the gym in the morning . I get out of washing the dishes . Life is grand except , cramps , emotions , and all the glory that goes with mother nature 's blessing . Life is just moving along and it seems like it 's just moving faster everyday . So here 's my goings ons as of late . . . . . 1 ) Watched my nephew play in a golf tournament today ( actually I only got to watch 9 holes ) . I 'm so proud of him . He is an outstanding young man and has so much in store for him . 2 ) Call me Madam President for one more year . The Home Owner 's association had their annual meeting today and I was re - elected . 3 ) My wonderful hubby got my hot tub up and going and I 've been visiting it frequently . 4 ) Again the hubby shot his first deer of the season , which meant that I had lots of work to do . But we now have 8 lbs of deer jerky and 25 loaves of summer sausage . He thinks he will shoot two more . 5 ) The deer from last year is now safely and proudly on the wall in the mans room . It really looks like a mans room now . 6 ) I 've hired a new team leader at work and am loving her and the fact that she is taking on so much supervisory stuff . It makes my job much easier . 7 ) I 'm still worried about my Sadie . She is getting some really big fatty cyst and she is still falling up the stairs . Her eating is getting some better . 8 ) My mom is not doing well . She doesn 't sound well . She doesn 't look well and she 's not making good decisions for herself . 9 ) I 'm loving this fall weather . I wish it could stay like this for 6 months . 10 ) I 've been doing several things by myself lately and getting a taste of my former independence . Although , I 'm loving it , I still like doing lots with my Cowboy . 11 ) I designed a great necklace at the craft fair this weekend and had it made . I put a pic up soon . 12 ) My feet have been killing me lately ( actually my right arch ) . It seems like I always have some part of me hurting . 13 ) I really need to be losing weight . I get really frustrated that no matter how hard I try , the scale doesn 't like me . Do you remember when you were young and could go out on a Friday night and party until dawn ? Do you remember being so excited to hang out , drink and flirt ? Meeting people , mingling , talking about nothing was considered a thrilling evening . So the thing is , I know that I used to do that . But for the life of me , I can 't remember why I used to do that . I 'm sure I enjoyed it or I wouldn 't have done it so often . Now , I almost dread the thought of going out . It 's almost a chore . I love being at home . I love just hanging out with people I know and being casual and laid back . I love flirting with my husband . Isn 't it funny how things change in your life and what you did in the past only seems like a distant memory . My friend called me on my birthday and said , and I quote , " Just think , we , I mean you because I don 't want to include myself in this , but you have lived half your life " . To which I replied , " I did an age test on my sister 's iphone , which I 'm sure is right , and I 'm going to live to be 101 , so I haven 't reached my halfway point yet . " Have you ever really thought about your halfway point ? I wonder if I passed it yet or if it 's still to come . I 'm hoping it 's still to come . My birthday was good . Cowboy gave me a charm for my pandora bracelet . He took me out to dinner two nights in a row . I love my birthday . I wish I could still have a birthday party every year just like when I was a little girl . I can feel the stress creeping back into my body . No ! I spent two and 1 / 2 weeks trying to get rid of stress in my life and three days of work and it 's all back . It probably didn 't help that I got up and worked from 7 : 45a to 8p today . You see , the thing about my job is that I get " punished " when I come back to work because the work just piles up and no one gets to do my job . So not fair . I love what I do and wouldn 't change it for the world but it 's just not fair that I have tons of work to catch up on . The one ray of good news is that I hired a team leader that hopefully will take some of the responsibility off my plate and then I won 't have so much to do . But for now , I 'm just going to relax this weekend - - that 's all that I can do . I highly recommend a two week vacation every year or at least every other year . I feel so much better and more relaxed then I have in ages . I did a really good job of not thinking about work ( well except for the two huge proposals that I had to write ) . I also answered a few emails but that was more about saving my sanity then giving up vacation . My last week was spent in Florida with my best friend . I hate that my friend lives so far away . I hate that I only get to see her twice a year . It is always so sad going to the airport . Lots of tears and hugs and tears and hugs . My heart aches when I have to leave . I love spending time with her girls and doing things with them . I got to teach them to sew and we planted flowers together . It was the first time we also got to do a little grown up shopping . If they lived closer , there could be so many more memories like that . It 's amazing how our lives take such unexpected paths that lead us to where we are . Cowboy and I hit the links today for one last round of golf before I head to Florida for the next week . On number 16 , I hit my driver over a large pond onto the green and this far away from a hole in one . I couldn 't believe how close I got . It was almost like being one number off from winning the lottery . If I had just been three inches closer . . . . . So I 've been on vacation for a week now and loving every minute of it . Here 's a recap of my week : Tuesday : I scheduled a facial . There is a teaching academy across the street from my home and they had a cancellation . I was off to get my facial for $ 25 and an hour of relaxation . Except my wonderful husband keep calling me and texting me . Then it was off to get my hair done . It 's been over a year since I 've had a hair cut . Three inches cut off and highlighted with caramel and auburn . She also straightened my hair . Cowboy asked what I did to my hair . He said in needed curls . I was able to finish painting my basement floor in the afternoon . Wednesday : We got up and scraped the windows outside . Then my brother brought the kids up . The boys went out for a golf outing and I took the girl . Little Miss and I went out for chips and salsa , her favorite . We then went shopping and she did well for herself . I thought Cowboy was a talker until I spent the day with her . My ears were almost tired at the end of the day . We all then went out for dinner at Stroud 's . Yummy fried chicken . Thursday : It was up early to go play golf . The course was nice but the play wasn 't so great . It was a beautiful day . Home to take a nap and then we spent the evening painting the windows and garage doors . It was fun working on the project with my hubby . Friday : Cowboy got up early with me and we walked Sadie around the neighborhood . I went out to lunch with some friends while Cowboy pillaged all the apples from a tree in the neighborhood . The house where the tree resides is vacant and we didn 't want the apples to go to waste . We played golf with the son and DIL at one of the nicest courses in KC . Cowboy and I both played awesome . I had the most beautiful drives all day long . The scorecard went up on the refrigerator . We all went to out to dinner afterwards . It was a great day . Saturday : We slept in and then hit the gym . I started peeling apple and making applesauce . It was a big undertaking . We made enough to freeze 12 quarts for this winter . Cowboy then Posted by Yesterday , Cowboy suggested that we head down to my folks house . I 've been wanting to see the parents and haven 't been to the farm since Father 's Day . We rolled out of the house early and were on our way by 7a . ( Up that early on vacation , really , why ? ? ) Got home in good time . Mom was so excited to show me pictures of her trip to Washington DC . My dad decided that he was going to fix lunch for us . I can 't ever remember my dad cooking anything . Well , maybe he grilled way back when . He made us spaghetti and meatballs . It was okay but not gourmet . Just so cute that he did it and was so proud of himself for cooking for us . I picked a bag full of apples off the tree in the back yard and made homemade apple sauce for the folks . Cowboy baked a loaf of beer bread for mom . So they were set . My brother and his family came over and my big sister and her girl showed up . It was so good to spend the day with the family . I need family time so much . Today , Cowboy and I hit the golf course early . I played a great round . The best part about it was that it was free . Cowboy and I then went to the gym his afternoon . On the way to the gym , we stopped at Petsmart to buy dog food and Cowboy decided to eat a dog biscuit in front of a very long line . Why would he do that ? He is crazy , I mean seriously crazy . But I love him . Great first couple of days of vacation . In 1994 , I had just graduated from my grad school . With my master 's degree in hand , I went searching for a new job . I had two interviews , on with the Sex Offender treatment program in Lansing Maximum Prison and the other with a drug and alcohol treatment program in KC . I accepted the position in Lansing and then went to interview at NorthStar . For some reason , the job at NorthStar seemed like a better fit . I had worked with sex offenders in the past and lost my job because a new company took over and the contract was going up for rebid again - - so I was hesitant to take the position again and lose my job all over again . I ended my job and took off two weeks to vacation with my friend and then with my family . It was a great two weeks . I then went to work at NorthStar and haven 't left . My career there has been awesome . I have a job that I love and I 'm doing something that I love on a daily basis . But I haven 't ever taken a two week vacation since 1994 . Even when I got married , I was only off for 8 days . I told my boss this year , that I was going to take two weeks after our accreditation visit . That is done and over . Friday was my last work day until September 8th . I will be off a whole 17 days . No wearing a watch . No getting up early unless I want to . No place to be . No decisions to make . This will be my time to rest . Relax . Take care of me . I am so excited . I have been horrible about blogging lately . It 's not because I have nothing going on because I do . It 's not because I have too much going on , because I don 't . It 's not because I haven 't been motiviated , because I have . It 's just that I haven 't done it . Shame , shame on my . So here 's my quick update - - I lost my golf game and then I found it . - I beat my husband on the golf course on Sunday and he pouted for two days . - I have two days of work left and then I will have 17 days off , work three days , off 5 and work 2 , then back to normal . ( I haven 't had a two week vacation since 1994 ) - Cowboy continues to make me laugh because he is so funny . - Sadie is eating again and driving me crazy from the minute I walk in the door until I take her for a walk every night - - I guess all the worrying was for nothing . - We have an opportunity to go to Hawaii next year and I am bound and determined to get into bikini shape if it kills me . I 'm not sure that I 've ever described my dad in my blog . Dad is very much like the farmer in the famous picture , holding the pitch fork . He doesn 't show much emotion . He doesn 't travel out of his comfort zone . He doesn 't travel out of his 10 mile radius . In fact , he has only been to see me in my town 5 times in he last 10 years . He doesn 't do things socially with others unless my mom makes the plans . So after telling you all this , I called my Dad on Monday night to see how he was doing . Mom has been on a trip with my brother since last Wednesday . Dad tells me he has dinner plans for Tuesday night . What ? Who ? Where ? He called a classmate from high school . He had three girls the exact same ages of my oldest sister , me and my brother . His wife died two years ago . So my dad called him and invited him out to dinner . Ahh . . . Who is this man and what did you do with my dad . I 'm so proud of him for breaking out of his comfort zone and making social plans . I know this is so random . But am I the only person in the world that hates toilet seat covers ? Really is it that important to have a rug on the top of your shitter ? Is it really decoration for the bathroom to make the john look prettier ? I just don 't get it . The only reason I ask , is that I have taken three clients shopping for start up apartment supplies in the last two weeks and the first thing they want to buy is a toilet seat cover . Really ? I 'd be going for the bagel toaster or microwave . But a toilet seat cover . . . . I just don 't get it . Cowboy and I got up at 5a to head out to spend the day with our friends , Freddy and Sue . We were at their house in April and spent the afternoon with them . They had just had a flood in their kitchen and were going to have to redo the whole space . I told Sue that when she was ready , I would come and help her gel stain her cabinets to make them look old and worn . The boys could go fishing . Well , today was the day for the project . Let me add that , Fred and Sue live a very modest lifestyle and have very little money . Their house is a constant work in progress and it seems like something is always going wrong . They don 't have air conditioning except for a teeny tiny window unit in their bedroom . It was a hot day and I sweated a lot . The cabinets got done and looked great . The boys went fishing and didn 't fare as well . The caught a few fish but while they were out fishing , Fred 's brakes went out on their one and only vehicle . Fred commented that he didn 't have the money to get it fixed and wasn 't sure what he was going to do . Cowboy and another guy , Steve , jumped in and went to work . They tore out the broken parts , went to town and bought new parts at the store . In a matter of no time at all , the truck was fixed an on the road again . Freddy is to proud to ask for help , so he traded some old guns for the work that Cowboy did . Cowboy said the guns weren 't worth the money he spent but he would never let Freddy know that . Freddy also sent us home with tomatoes , cucumbers , okra , and peppers . Cowboy considers it paid in full . When Cowboy told me how he helped his friend out , it made my heart full . ( Dedicated to my Friend ) I got a call from my tearful friend yesterday . Amidst the sobs and sniffles , I hear , " I have no People " . We all need people . I remember moving away from my home into a new city alone for the first time . There is a feeling you get when it dawns on you that you have no one . It 's really no one in close proximity to you for support or help in your time of need . You feel incredibly vulnerable and alone . You have really scary thoughts like , if I got really sick and couldn 't help myself , will anyone look for me ? Will anyone miss me ? Will anyone care ? I remember there would be weekends that I would leave work on Friday and not talk to a single person until Monday morning . I would sometimes just walk around the house and just talk to myself , so that I could hear something . When you are alone , you have to build your family . That is so easy to say and so hard to do . You feel like you are imposing upon people . You feel like you are a bother . And it 's so hard to ask for help . But as you ask , as you build support , you gain a family . One day you wake up and you have " People " . My Dear Friend , You Have People ! This weekend golf was not on the agenda . I can 't say that I was to sad . I had my fill of golf last weekend so a break was in the cards . This weekend we went to a family reunion for Cowboy . It was for his adopted mom 's family . We have gone for the past several years so it feels like family now . Cowboy 's best friend , WD , and his family made it back from Tennessee . It was good that Cowboy got to spend some time with him . It has been a year since he has seen him . On the way down , we stopped to see Ross and Betty . They lived across the street from Cowboy when he lived down in that part of the country . It was good to see them for couple of hours . Ross had a stroke a year ago and now has to use a walker . He 's 90 and looks great . He 's frustrated that he 's not like he was but he looks great . We ended up staying the whole day , even going out to eat with WD and his family . Thank goodness we have a wonderful neighbor that let Sadie out a couple of times for us . WD 's wife and I were talking a dinner and I commented that Cowboy has OCD but can 't ever remember what it 's called . I got his attention across the table and asked what he had . " ADT " his reply . Gotta love my home alarm guy . Today , the OCD Cowboy detailed my SUV . It looks great . For all the challenges he gives me , I can proudly drive around in a super clean vehicle . So for the past 5 days , my life has been consumed by golf . We got to have my nephew up for the weekend and loved every minute of it . His dad brought him up on Friday and the three of us played a round of golf . On Saturday , Cowboy , the nephew and I played a round of golf and Sunday we played again . Saturday and Sunday night , I took him to the driving range . He was a qualifier for the State Kansas Junior Golf Association state tournament . We gave him the opportunity to play on courses similar to what he would be playing in the tournament . Yesterday , I went to watch him play his first round . I felt like I was on a miniature PGA tour . I was fun walking and watching him play . He was young in his age group but did a good job . We are very proud of him . Here he is getting ready to tee of on number three . He has a beautiful swing . We practiced a few sand shots that came in handy in the tournament . He made a good out . Afterwards , we got to hang out and chat and goof around for his mom who insisted on taking a few pics . My wonderful husband cleaned my golf clubs today . I think he has been feeling a little guilty for playing golf with his son twice this week and with his buddy another day . He has been treating me extra special all week . I don 't think that I 'll complain to loudly . On a side note , my nephew is coming up for the weekend to practice his golf skills with me . We 're going to play Friday , Saturday and Sunday . He starts his state golf tournament on Tuesday so we are going to give him some practice on courses similiar to what he will be playing on . You know what insanity is ? It 's spending the day at an amusement park with the family on Saturday from 11a to 5p . The heat index was only 110 degrees and there was no wind and only black asphalt pavement . That is only part of the insanity . I decided to ride the roller coasters like I was a 20 year old . Well , this 45 year old body wasn 't to pleased at the end of the day . So let 's just add a little more insanity . . . . We played golf yesterday in the middle of the day . And not only did we play 18 holes of golf , we played 27 holes of golf . It was freakin ' hot . Even my new golf shirt didn 't whisk away the sweat . I was ringing wet . So tonight on the way home from work , I told Cowboy that I wasn 't walking until it cooled down . But my neighbor caught me and I went for a walk , then cleaned out the hot tub and then pulled weeds from the garden . I must be crazy ! This is why I love my husband with all my heart . Today , he went back to my work and found the girl that hit his truck . She was a little nervous to talk to him but did . He gave her a card that was somewhat spiritual that said even in the bad times look for the rainbows . He wrote a note that said , " Not all bad things that happen to us , end bad " . Inside the card , he had a fresh $ 100 bill for her . Her eyes were as big as saucers . She was just laid off her job due to her pregnancy . She 's due on August 2nd . ( He had talked the auto shop into fixing his truck for $ 100 less than the insurance company paid him ) Our agency is certified by CARF . It is a three year certification and the visit starts tomorrow . I 've been really stressed by this and I 'm sure a total bitch to my staff to get their stuff done so that we are ready . I will be really glad when this is all over . I am vowing to not put work in front of family for the rest of the summer . I 'm going to try to rest , relax and rejuvenate ! I am very worried about my Sadie girl . Her appetite is gone . Don 't forget that my girl is extremely food focused an has eaten every breakfast at 5 : 30a and every dinner at 6p or her stomach gets all growly and such . Today , she didn 't eat one thing until 8p . This has been going on for a week or so . She still eats some but about half of what she used to eat . She still drinks . Poops and pees . Cowboy went to the pet store and got some " gravy " for her food . She 'll eat a little better with that but still not like she used to . I 'm wondering if it is a change with her age . Maybe it 's the heat . It just makes me a little worried . The Cowboy and I had a jammed packed weekend that was " all about me " as the Cowboy would say . Friday night , Cowboy decided that he would walk around the neighborhood with me because he was convinced that I wanted him to so I could show him off . One of my most absolutely favorite things about our neighborhood is that people are out in their yard and stop and talk . We visited with several neighbors and even met a really cool couple that just moved into the neighborhood . John and Ashley are newlyweds . She told me she was a social worker - - I liked here even more then . Saturday was golf day with a twist . My friend Dr . T has kissed several frogs since her divorce . However , this weekend we got to meet her potential Prince . They hit the course with us . She seemed like she was having such a great time and the Prince was awesome . Cowboy doesn 't say much about people he just meets but said he " liked the shit outta him " . Huge endorsement . Sunday , we had a surprise visit from Rob and Stacey . Stacey was my pledge daughter in college and has a been a really good friend for a long time . They are a modern day " Brady Bunch " family . She has a girl and two boys and he has as girl and two boys . They all live with them but every other weekend , the kids go to the other parents . So they got a free weekend and came to see us . We hit golf course again . Only after Cowboy surprised me and bought me a some new golf clothes . ( He has a " dry fit " shirt that I love and now so do I . ) Golfing and then out eat and then home for a few beers , movie and dessert . We are all such homebodies that we had no desire to go see the fireworks . We fed them a good breakfast and they were on their way . Cowboy got really sick Monday afternoon . Chills and spiking fever . He was on the couch the rest of the day and I went to the neighbors for dinner . This morning , I took him to the doctors and then to get his script filled . He 's on his way to a full recovery . It was a great weekend . Now I need about 30 more of them in the next two months . I swear that our clients at work are crazy . They are nuts and are acting like they have no common sense . Rules , so what . Guidelines , oh well . I just want to go in my office , close the door and never come out again . Doesn 't sound so good for the manager to hide does it . I 'm praying the craziness goes away . I 'm so proud of my nephew . He has made it to the state golf tournament again this year . He is young in for his age group and played against mostly high school students . I have watched him grow up playing golf and he has become an amazing golfer . I remember when he was about 2 years old , he would walk around with his plastic golf club saying , " I 'm Tiger Woods " . ( pre - tiger woods scandal ) . He has practiced alot and played alot to get where he 's at . Great news is that he is playing at a course near us , so we will get to see him . I swear that the Universe is off it 's axis ( is that even the right term ) . Everything is absolutely crazy this week and some of last week . I 'm getting so annoyed with having to deal with crazy people that being a greeter at Wal - Mart is starting to look very appealing . It almost like everything that is happening has to be just a little crazier than the next . I NEED A VACATION AWAY FROM THIS UNIVERSE . . . . Any suggestions ? ? ? How can a day start any better ? A happy banana from the one that you love along with a note that says , Dog has been pooped this morningCall Title Mortage people todayEat watermelon and banana for breakfastPoop yourself this morningLuv u , have a better day ! XOXOXOPS . don 't forget your lunch , phone , papers , ( lights out ) etc . My dad told me that on Saturday afternoon Cowboy was laying on the living room floor with Sadie and he heard snoring . He looked on the floor and saw that Cowboy had his mouth closed so it must have been Sadie snoring . Dad then told me that one of them must have passed gas because he could smell it . The next morning , Cowboy and I were laying in bed and he said , " Your Dad is sure observant . I was laying there and let out the quietest gas possible . " " Your dad got up and left the room . He sure is observant . " How funny . My poor Dad . I know how stinky Cowboy 's butt can be . He always says those are just little butter bean farts that don 't smell . Cowboy is so particular about his truck . It 's spotless . He takes such good care of it . Today , I had him meet me at work so he could spray the weeded around one of the home 's we run . He was walking around the yard with me , when I noticed a car had hit is truck . We went over there and a really young 19 year old girl was caught up on his bumper . Normally , Cowboy would blow a gasket and cuss and yell . I was braced for the wrath of Cowboy to come pouring down on this poor little girl . Instead , he calmly helped her get the vehicles unstuck and then let me go about the business of dealing with her insurance company . He was very fortunate that she had insurance . Actually , that was the first thing out of her mouth . . . " I have insurance " . Later , he flagged her down and apologized for getting so upset . He did so good . I was so proud of him for containing his anger and looking at the situation just a little bit differently . Cowboy and I went to the farm for the weekend . It 's been a while since we have spent the whole weekend on the farm . So for father 's day , we headed down to the farm . We met up with mom and dad and then headed to town for dinner . Town is about 4 miles away and has a population of about 50 . But there is a cafe there . It used to be the store and the restaurant was a couple of doors down . ( I worked at the old Town and Country Cafe in high school . ) A couple came in and made the store into a cafe and moved the store part next door . They serve a great dinner . I decided to pick up the tab - - it was a total of $ 28 for all four of us . Bargain ! Saturday morning , Dad , Cowboy and I headed out to the golf course to meet my brother and nephew for a big golf challenge . We got there at 8a and no one was there to rent us a cart so we started playing . ( Golf courses in the city open at dawn . ) We had a blast . I did win a couple of holes outright from the " boys " . We threw in a game of bingo , bango , bongo . Cowboy and I were the big losers of the game and on the score card . My nephew is 14 and is an amazing golfer . He beat us all . Saturday afternoon , mom and I went grocery shopping . Then it was home to make chocolate chip cookies for dad and potato salad for Sunday lunch . It was a lazy evening at home . Sunday morning , mom and I ran to town to buy a few birthday gifts for her great - granddaughter . I finished fixing lunch for 18 of us . Country style BBQ ribs , baked beans , and jello salad . It all turned out very yummy . The most of the family was there . The day was loud , crazy and a lot of fun . It was good to be with my mom and dad for the whole weekend . It was good to be around the farm and get re - centered and relaxed . Happy Father 's Day Dad . You have done an outstanding job of raising an amazing family . I sit down to blog and have a little case of writers block or actually I have so many things that I want to write about that I write nothing , no filters . So I 'm just going to put my randomness out there . I was bored out of my mind this weekend . We didn 't do anything and I didn 't have any energy to do anything . I laid on my couch a lot and watched TV a lot . I was such a slug . Our garden is growing but we 've had to re - plant part of it three times that I 'm not sure what is where and now the damn deer think it 's their salad bar . Where is Cowboy 's gun when you need it . Our basement had water in it yesterday . All related to the freakin ' rain that won 't stop . Bummer was that although we have tons of storage , I had three boxes that were in the room that got wet and they contained old scrap books , pictures and other stuff . I spent two hour going through old emails from boyfriends and pictures when I was stick thin . Oh to be skinny again . I went to the eye doctor on Friday . My eye doctor is so hot . I seriously thought about asking him to have an affair . I did call Cowboy and told him that if anything happened to home , I would be okay since I would be a doctor 's wife . I wonder if it would be wrong to ask him to be the father of my baby . I 'm serious about that . He asked be to look at his ear , he had nice ears . Where else do you want me to look , Dear Doctor ? ? ? ? Yum - yum . We 're headed to the farm this weekend and I can 't wait . It seems like forever since I 've seen my momma and daddy . Cowboy and I are doing really well . I love that man . I was telling him the other day that I was amazed how we just seemed to get on the same page more and more as time goes by . I have all these crafty ideas rolling around in my head but I haven 't done to make them come to life . I really worry that sometimes that I have a few bi - polar symptoms - - periods of mania and bouts of depression - - all very mild . I continue to be very frustrated about my weight . I am going to the doctor on Friday - - complete physical . I can 't keep gaining weight or I 'll weigh 300 by the Posted by Just a same recap in case I haven 't talked about this lately . Cowboy has OCD and he is meticulous , especially about our vehicles . He also has a short fuse and likes to rant and rave , at me . I picked up a 31 " used TV for my brother and didn 't get it unloaded before I went to work . As I was driving , it tipped over and left a little scratch on the window seal . Really , barely a scratch at all . Most people wouldn 't have even noticed . But Cowboy did . When I asked him to help me unload it , he started his ranting and raving . I told him to stop and he did for a second and then started again . I told him not to start on me . He said fine and then added , " don 't talk to me before you leave . " I then sat a box down in the garage . Cowboy asked what was in the box . My come back , " you told me not to talk to you " . I went on into the house and started watching TV . About 20 minutes later , he came down from the computer room and was civil to me . It is really the first time , I didn 't listen to his ranting and raving and told him to stop and he did . He thought about it and apologized about it later . Maybe he can learn . Maybe . . . . . We had a great weekend . My friend , Dr . T and I went to the movies . Sex in the City 2 . Loved it , but didn 't think it was as good as the first . It seems that I see those movies at the right time in my life to fit what is happening to me . It was really good to get together with her and spend time with my friend . Saturday , we went garage sale - ing and then came back to the house to clean it . We got a little sidetracked when Cowboy bought a new bike . I 'll have to post pictures . He can 't decide which motorcycle he will keep . The boy cannot keep them both . We got all our flowers planted around the house . We got 1 / 2 the house cleaned . Laundry done . Today was beautiful out and we hit the golf course . We played with a couple of guy that weren 't really that fun . That 's twice in a row we 've had bad luck with our golf partners . However , I played so much better . My goal is to shoot in the 90 's on a regular basis . I 've done it twice in a row so maybe I 'm getting there . Right now , Cowboy is watching a chick flick with me . I love that man . I was in the shower this morning and Cowboy heard a door bell . Ding Dong . Ding dong . He comes downstairs and check the front door , no one there . He checks the back door and looks out the windows , nothing . When I get out of the shower , he asked if I heard the doorbell . No , I was in the shower . He said it was really weird that heard the doorbell but no one was there . On my way out the door , I picked up my phone and saw that my co - worker had called . Her ring on my phone is a doorbell . Mystery solved but funny that Cowboy was so stumped . Oh my gosh , the weekend was just what I needed . I came home a little early on Friday and took off my watch . I didn 't want to be tied to a time schedule and I didn 't want to make grand plans . Friday night , Cowboy and I jumped in the car and went to FiveGuys for dinner . We love their hamburgers . On our way , we saw a deer crossing the street ( 4 lane in town ) and honked and slowed down to watch it cross in front of us . Only to see the car coming at us , slow down and hit the deer . Cowboy was pissed . It was senseless and so sad . Saturday , Cowboy and I bought a great used car for his cousin 's girlfriends daughter . We discussed keeping it if they didn 't like it . It was fully loaded and drove like a dream . Cowboy started detailing it when we got home and I watered the garden . It was then off to the golf course . The first six holes were great . Cowboy and I got to play by ourselves . Then we joined the two guys in ahead of us , as the play slowed down . They were not fun to play with and we didn 't enjoy ourselves very much . We have been pretty lucky that we always get to play with such nice people . Not so much on Saturday . Cowboy grilled on Saturday night and we had an awesome dinner . Brats , pork chops and chicken on the grill along with crab stuffed mushrooms and fresh spinach . Yummy . Sunday , we took the car to Cowboy 's cousin and his girlfriend . They were thrilled with the car and loved it . I got to drive it . Sooo nice . We then went on to a friend of Cowboy 's , Fred and Sue . Freddy and Sue are very simple country folks . They stopped all they were doing and provided us such a warm welcome . We sat in their yard in the yard swing and drank beer and visited all afternoon . They then grilled hamburgers and hot dogs along with homegrown asparagus and fresh salad from their garden . It was a perfect afternoon . Sue said that Freddy had commented to her that he wasn 't sure why Cowboy was his friend but he was grateful . There is only a simple answer to that . Freddy and Sue are great people and Cowboy is a great judge of character . Monday , we Posted by Just random thoughts : 1 ) work continues to amaze me . . . specifically the staff that I work with amazes me . Really , can 't you just do your job . 2 ) my hubby has been very good to me as he should be after his stunt last week . 3 ) I hate having periods . . . I told you random . Especially heavy flows and hormonal headaches . 4 ) I think my dog is getting old and slowing down . However , she is learning to walk around our neighborhood without being on a leash . 5 ) I think I want to drink a lot of beer tomorrow night . 6 ) I 'm so excited about a 3 day weekend . 7 ) We 've had to replant our garden twice and I 'm thinking we might have to re - do for a third time . 8 ) I planted elephant ears 1 foot deep instead of 1 inch deep and they still came up . Sometimes I really wonder where my mind has gone . 9 ) I 've been playing lots of scrabble on my iphone and love it . I 've never played the game before . 10 ) I haven 't slept well all week . I think I 'm running on fumes . No wonder staff and my period are driving me to drink . On Thursday , I called Cowboy about noon to see what he was doing . He had decided to take a trip with his son out of town to look at a job . They had finished up giving an estimate for the job and stopped to play a game of pool . I needed to let Cowboy know that I had to work late . He said he 'd be home about the time that I was getting there . Great no problem . At 7 : 30p , I called again and Cowboy was still in Pittsburg playing pool . No need to wait for dinner he 'd be on his way home soon . Around 10 : 30p , the DIL sent a text , asking if I had heard from the ' boys ' . She was concerned that the son was drinking and would be driving . After a 3rd , DUI . I texted back , saying Cowboy wouldn 't let that get out of hand . Finally at 11p , I got ahold of Cowboy . He said he had been playing pool and all night and hadn 't drank that much in 20 years . He promised to stay the night and not drive home . I called the DIL to say I heard from the boys and they were drinking but not going to be driving home . They would be staying at her brother 's house , then she let me know her brother was out of town and they didn 't have a key . WTF ? ? ? GREATI didn 't sleep well at all . I tossed and turned . Had weird dreams and was pissed . At 7a , Cowboy called . I was pretty cold to him . Saying I was glad he was safe . They drove home 2 hours after drinking for 9 hours . Brilliant move boys . Cowboy was at his son 's house . I had the day to cool down a little . Wasn 't really pissed as much as I was really disappointed and felt pretty disrespected . Cowboy apologized . I said my piece . He was pretty humble . He promised to never do that again . And I have been the " Queen " all weekend . Marriage is tough . I have always said that there are two types of employees , those that just show up for a paycheck and those that want to have a career . I personally think that I am a career person . I work had , take on lots of responsibility , take great pride in my work and do it all without complaining or causing problems for my employer . I am super annoyed but those that just show up for a paycheck . Really , just plain annoyed . Just this week , I found out that we had an employee who would leave from her shift for hours at a time and would have sex in our work van . ICK . What is wrong with her ? ( We actually fired her months ago . ) Another employee is stealing from our clients and leaving long before her shift is over . " She done her time and worked hard " so why not . Really , are you crazy ? ? ? Here 's the topper . We have given an employee a corrective action for not completing her delinquent paperwork for weeks at a time . She also calls in frequently when she is not sick . She has now filed a grievance against her boss for making her do her job . Really . Lazy , lazy girl . Get a clue and step up and do your job . Stop blaming your failings on your boss . She has been more than generous in giving you chance after chance . One of the biggest job dissatisfier I have is with the employees that just show up . My Cowboy had a birthday on Monday . He turned the big 54 . We didn 't do much to celebrate but I did fix him a big old german chocolate cake . Surprise , surprise , it 's Wednesday and the cake is gone . I had two pieces of it and guess who had the rest . Well almost the rest of the cake . He shared with some neighbors and his son . I think my Cowboy is so handsome when he has his hat on . He makes my heart melt . My Cowboy is game for about anything and I love that about him . One of the things that I love the most is that he has such a huge heart . He is so good with Sadie . He loves me and takes such great care of me . Here to the birthday boy ! Here are a few pictures from my weekend . Cowboy and I went home for the weekend . My mom 's first cousin ( quite a bit younger ) came back to Kansas for a visit . Tina had not been back since her father 's funeral in 1997 . She invited my mother out to dinner at the restaurant that her father built . So Saturday night , my Mom and Dad , Cowboy and I and my sister and her husband met Tina and her husband for dinner . It was a really cool evening . On Sunday , all the siblings came over for Mother 's Day . My dear brother was going to trim the bushes in front of the house for my Mom . A slip with the hedge clippers landed him in the hospital emergency room for 3 hours with his wife on Mother 's Day . Three stitches later and he is recovering . Cowboy and my niece 's boyfriend are celebrating their birthday next week so in addition to having a Mother 's Day celebration , we celebrated their 23rd and 54th birthdays . ( Can you guess who 's is what ) . It was a good weekend at home . I was really sick but it was still good to be home . My mother has been an amazing person in my life and I am very fortunate to have her as my mom . Although I don 't consider myself a step - mom , I get stuck in the position of having some situations that makes me feel like the wicked step - mom that never gets put in a win - win situation . Because the daughter is such a mess , Cowboy wants to help her out again . He is talking about buying another car for her . Never mind , we are still paying for the last car and she hawked it for $ 500 . Really , what do I say . If I say , don 't do it , I become the bad guy . But with all my might , I cannot agree with it . So I 'm in a lose - lose situation . And I hate , hate it . Cowboy feels so bad about what she is doing that his response is to help her . He doesn 't have the money and he would have to use my ( technically ) savings account . He says he will get a job to pay it back . WTF , really . You don 't want a job now for us but he will get one to enable his daughter . He wants to know that he has done all he can to help her . Really , as if he hasn 't done enough . We can 't talk about this because it leads to arguments . We are on such opposing side of this situation . I will pray and pray some more . I haven 't blogged for awhile because I have so much to write about that I didn 't know where to start so I have avoided blogging altogether . So I 'll sum up most . . . . - The daughter has been a mess . Moved into a single women 's home to gain support and help and left 3 days later with no place to go . Lived in a shelter , with a random guy , then spent a night in jail , and is now living in a hotel . Cowboy has been so upset and feeling very helpless with the whole situation . It has caused many sleepless night and lots of emotional distancing as he isn 't good about talking about that situation . - Work has been somewhat okay . Lots of pressure to get more done than I have time for but it 's manageable . I had to have a conversation with one of my supervisors about her lack of work . I was really getting resentful about her ' hanging ' out while I was working my ass off . She has gotten better . - My mom was in town for the weekend . I love spending time with my mom but each time that I do , it makes me realize how much older my mom is getting and how much I feel the need to take care of her when she is around . She looks frail and weak and not to steady on her feet . She makes me tired . - Golf has been good and then really good . I shot a 90 on the course and was thrilled but then the next week , it looked like I hadn 't played golf in a long long time . Cowboy and I have been finding our grove on the course and no longer have any major meltdowns . Knock on wood . - I been really thinking about the groove that couples get into , some that brings comfort and some that takes advantage of the other person . I don 't want to take advantage of Cowboy and all that he does for me . I 'm trying to do things a little differently and get a little frustrated when he doesn 't notice or says something that is pretty negative . - I love my new hot tub . I 've been in it almost every night . It does help with my overall soreness . - I would love to get my kitchen re - done and am looking at ways to do it for less than $ 4000 . Before we can do that , we have so many outside projects tPosted by I was washing the dishes tonight . Cowboy walked up behind me and hugged me and squeezed my butt . I turned to him and said , " You used to do that all the time . " Cowboy : " That was when we were in the honeymoon phase . " Me : " I don 't want the honeymoon to end . " Cowboy : " The only way that I have found for the honeymoon not to end is to have lots of them and I have had more than most men that I know . " Seriously , how could you not laugh at my husband . . . silly boy . This is our life . The story of the cowboy and me . I can 't beleive the things that come out of his mouth and the good fortune that I have to be around to hear them . We are trying to make our way in the world . I 'm a social worker in a job that is bigger than me most days and he is my stay at home guy that has is own little ' entrepreneural spirit ' . We just got married and have moved into our home that has a small piece of land ( 1 / 2 acre ) in a very big city . So what do I do with a Cowboy in the city . . . |
Zach turned three today . As I sit here typing , I 'm trying not to cry . My baby isn 't really a baby anymore . He is , however , a very fun and active little boy . He would tell you he is big though . He loves to play . Especially with cars , trucks , balls , and trains . He is so sweet . He always tells me goodnight and gives me big hugs and kisses . I 'll take those for as long as I can get them . I love my " big " boy and look forward to watching my three - year - old grow and learn new things . With about four weeks of Kindergarten down , Brandon brought home his first homework book . It consists of different things they are talking about . . . letters and the sounds they make , numbers , writing his name , and some sight words . The Kindergarten teachers have taken what is , in my opinion , a really great approach . " Don 't push your child if they are not ready , please work at their pace . " So , I asked Brandon if he wanted to work on it and he did . We started going through the book and he was doing so well . Telling me the names and sounds of the letters , reading sight words , rhyming . I was excited and so was he . When Brandon was younger , he didn 't talk . . . at all . He made some noises , but didn 't have any words . So , we put him in speech therapy . He did well , but I was always a little concerned that he would have a difficult time in school . He is doing well . He doesn 't like school , but that is because it is all day and he said , " It takes too long . " However , he enjoys learning and is so excited to show me what he has accomplished . In fact , he just came up to me as I 'm typing and is picking out the words he knows . Way to go , Brandon ! Congratulations , Natalie and Garrett . They welcomed Jack into their family when he decided to show up Sunday night . He was 7 lbs . 1 oz . and 20 1 / 2 " long . He was born at 11 : 11 PM on September 6 . He is doing great and we are excited to have him in the family . Really . Where did it go ? I know we had nearly 3 months with no school , but what happened to it ? I 'll admit : By the time August rolled around , I was so ready for school to start again . My kids were feeling ready too . But then , all of a sudden ( so it seemed ) , school started . Jacob and Riley went off to school Monday . Jacob is spending his sixth grade year at a different school this year in an accelerated learning program . Riley is happy to be back with her friends and some cousins this year . So that I can remember that there was a summer , I 'll post some pics of some things we did this year . We played at the splash pad a few times . Always fun on a hot day . Although , my kids usually ended up playing on the hot toys . Go figure . We played soccer and baseball with some families in our neighborhood . We hit the zoo a few times . They 've gotten some new animals as you can see from above . Made it to the Lagoon a couple times . I don 't love it , but the kids do and that makes it fun . We went to the Oquirrh Mountains Temple open house . We were so blessed as a family to attend the open house together . Especially since we had already been to the Draper Temple earlier this same year . We went to the Treehouse Museum with a free pass from a friend . Thanks ! The kids had a lot of fun . And , finally , the biggest project of all . . . we got grass ! Who knew that could be so exciting ? We love it . The kids can play in our yard . We even got our swing set put up . It took a lot of hard work ( Nathan had lots of blisters ) and we are so grateful to many people who helped out ( including a local University football team that helped lay the sod ) . So , that is where our summer has gone . So , Nathan has finally caught up to me . Today he is 33 . Although , he will tell you that I am still older . Yes , technically , I am 1 , 193 months and he is a mere 1 , 188 months . Just a few of the things I love about Nathan : He works hard . He takes care of his family . He tries so very hard to make me happy ( not a simple task at times ) . He enjoys spending time with our children and he 's a good example to them ( and me ) . He supports me in my various roles . . . mother , callings , volunteering , and friendships . I love you , Nathan ! Happy birthday . Baptisms are always very special . Riley was baptized last month . This day was made extra special by sharing it with her cousin , Tylee . Riley and Tylee have had a kind of special bond from the beginning . When Tylee deccided to show up three weeks early , she was born exactly one month after Riley . Then , my brother and his family moved down south and decided to bring Tylee back this way to have her blessed . Riley and Tylee were both blessed in our ward on the same day . They even ended up in matching dresses ( not planned - her mom and I just happen to have picked out the same one ) . So , this year when they both turned eight and my brother once again was far away , they brought Tylee up here to have her baptized . We were so excited to share this special day as both girls put on their second white dress and prepared to enter the waters of baptism . We are so thankful we could share that day with many family and friends that came to witness Riley 's baptism . And as the the poem by Elder Perry 's daughter says , " And if I try my very best , Then richly blessed I 'll be , Wearing inside God 's holy houseWhite dress number three . " But that 's a long way off right ? Just don 't blink . Thirteen years ago I was blessed to be sealed to my wonderful husband in the Logan temple . I remember that day so well . How exciting it all was . It was so beautiful outside , a lot like today . The sun was shining , but it wasn 't too hot . Now , thirteen years and four kids later , I love him even more than I did that day . Each night I kneel down to thank my Father in Heaven for this wonderful blessing . The circumstances of our meeting were a little unusual , but it all worked out . We are meant to be together . He works hard to take care of me and our family . He does whatever needs to be done whether it 's putting in a yard or cleaning up pee . I look forward to spending all of eternity with this man . I love you , Nathan ! I went to dinner with these girls for Jen 's birthday . I had fun and it brought back some really great memories . I moved into my house two years ago . I was having a hard time with the move . I left some good friends and a calling in my ward that I loved . I was in Primary . I struggled going to my new ward each week . Then , I got called into the Bishop 's office and was given a calling . Second counselor in Primary . I knew the 1st counselor and secretary from high school , but didn 't know the president very well . It wouldn 't take long for that to change . We all got to know each other so much better while we served our Heavenly Father together . I loved being at church , in Primary with those wonderful women . I was doing my best to serve and got something so wonderful out of it . I finally felt like I belonged , like I knew I was suppose to be there . I gained some wonderful friends . Callings have changed , but we continue to grow closer and I am so grateful to have these women in my life . Ahh , the good old Primary days . Monday morning the family headed off to the dinosaur park . We had a lot of fun ( along with a whole bunch of other people who decided that was a good place to be Monday ) . This is a picture of Zach telling me that the dinosaur bit his neck . After digging in the sand for some fossils , we left and headed to another park for a picnic and more fun . Here we found some friends to play with . And let 's not forget the reason we have this holiday . Thanks to all the men , women , and their families who sacrificed their lives to bless our lives with the many freedoms we enjoy . My baby girl is eight today . Riley has been so excited for this day . Eight is a very special birthday . She starts going to activity days and she will be baptized . Yikes ! She is growing up so fast . She loves to write notes to Nate and I letting us know how much she loves us . She is so sweet . She loves to help take care of her little brothers and she always wants to give Jacob hugs . She really likes to do that when she sees him at school . Not exactly his favorite time for affection from his little sister . I love that she loves to pretend . She is entertained for hours playing with houses she 's built out of laundry hampers , pillows , blankets , and other items around the house . I love you , Riley ! Happy Mother 's Day , Mom ! I love my mom so much . My Mom has taught me so many things . Most important of those things is how to be a mother . I am still learning from her and so thankful that she sets such a great example for me to follow . I 'd also like to say thanks to all the other " moms " in my life and the lives of my children . There are many who teach and care for my family . I have wonderful relatives and friends . My children have teachers at school and church . Even a great pediatrician . They may not be our mothers , but they teach and help us , most often by example . I am grateful for this day when we can take the time to let our moms know how special they are to each of us . Happy Mother 's Day to all of you ! I lost my camera . Not that I take pictures as often as I should , but I missed it . It was about a week ago I wanted to take some pictures , but I couldn 't find it . I searched my house , even looking in some odd places ( Cupboards , toy box , bathroom ) . Nowhere to be found . I called Jacob 's school because I remembered having it there . Nope . I kept searching , trying to remember where it could be . Suddenly ( a week later ) I remembered . I had put it in Brandon 's backpack after his last day of school so I wouldn 't leave it there . I may have to borrow the title of " Forgetful Jones " from Mindy . I think this would be a good time to download the pictures , charge the battery , and put everything where it belongs . It was sometime after 4 AM today when Nate and I were awoken by a loud , strange noise . He sat up and asked if I heard that . I told him maybe it was the alarm clock . Zach and Brandon mess with it sometimes and they could have turned it on . Nate checked . Nope , it wasn 't on . Hmm , weird . Then it happened again . Maybe it was the smoke detector and the battery was dying . Yup , it was the smoke detector , but they started going off over the entire house . That 's not something that happens from a dead battery . I ran to the kids bedrooms . Riley and Brandon were crying , Zach , was sitting up , and Jacob had to be woken up . It was time to get out of the house . They were scared . It was so loud . I gathered the kids together in our entry way so we could all go out together . Then , I went to get my purse . I know , I know , just leave , but I wanted to have my cell phone . I was pretty sure there wasn 't a fire because we have fire sprinklers and they weren 't going off . But , the noise was too much and I turned on the lights outside and the kids and I went out the front door to the sidewalk in front of our house . Thankfully it was a fairly nice night . No rain or snow , but it was chilly . We were all barefoot and the kids were freezing . Nate didn 't come out with us . I decided to go back in and get a couple blankets to wrap up in . I saw Nate and he was going around checking for the cause of the alarm . Again , breaking all the rules . I asked if we should call the fire department , but there was no fire , no emergency , so I just went back out to keep the kids warm while he stayed inside . As I was wrapping up the kids , a police officer stopped to ask if we were ok . I told him what happened and he called for a fire truck then went inside to help Nate . I was curious to see which direction they 'd come from since we live between two fire stations . They came and checked the house with some kind of infra red tool looking for heat . Then they checked for carbon monoxide . Negative for both . One firefighter went with Nate around the house checking all the smoke dePosted by May 5 , 2004 . It was a Wednesday five years ago . Brandon was almost 3 months old . Riley almost 3 years . Jacob was in Kindergarten . It was a little after 9 AM when I got a call from Nate telling me his Dad had been taken to the hospital and he was on his way there . He wasn 't sure what was wrong . Nate 's Dad had problems with blood clots in the past and we figured maybe it was the same thing this time . I asked Nate if he wanted me to come , but he said he 'd call and let me know once he got there . The hospital personnel began doing CPR shortly after Nate arrived . Nate never got a chance to talk to his Dad . He died the morning of May 5 at the age of 55 . The viewing was Sunday , May 9 ( Mother 's Day ) and the funeral followed the next day . So many people came to greet the family and share their love . I felt so blessed to be part of that . I am blessed with the belief in eternal families . Brandon was suppose to be blessed the first Sunday in May , but we had to postpone it . He was blessed in June and I 'm sure my father - in - law was there in spirit . Gene loved to read the grandchildren stories . He also loved to give them a soft kick and lift them in the air sending them " to the moon " . He was a man who knew the gospel well and lived fully what he believed . He was a great example . Yes , I am a mother . That is just one of many titles that I currently have . I am also a wife , daughter , sister , friend , in - law , and Primary President . I feel blessed to be each of those things at this time . I may not have a job outside my home , but I 've got plenty of work to do inside my home . I do not have vacation time or sick time . I do not get 15 minute breaks or lunch breaks . I use to work outside the home when my oldest was a baby and toddler . Compared to what I do on a daily basis , being a working mom was so much easier . I had adult conversation without a toddler hanging on my leg . I was good at what I did and people told me so on a regular basis . I didn 't have to make anyone else lunch or break up a fight over a toy . I could still be working and then I could have more stuff , but that 's just it . . . . stuff . The stuff comes and goes , but my daily influence on my children will last forever . I didn 't have children so that someone else could raise them . I had them because I want them and I want to care for them . No matter the kind of day we have , it is all made better by a hug and " I love you , Mom . " Elder Russell M . Nelson had this to say about mothers . " During my professional career as a doctor of medicine , I was occasionally asked why I chose to do that difficult work . I responded with my opinion that the highest and noblest work in this life is that of a mother . Since that option was not available to me , I thought that caring for the sick might come close . I tried to care for my patients as compassionately and competently as Mother cared for me . Many years ago the First Presidency issued a statement that has had a profound and lasting influence upon me . " Motherhood , " they wrote , " is near to divinity . It is the highest , holiest service to be assumed by mankind . It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels . " 3Because mothers are essential to God 's great plan of happiness , their sacred work is opposed by Satan , who would destroy the family and demean the worth of women . " No , I may Posted by Yes , I am 33 . Have been for over a week now . I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for making my birthday so great . I got to spend time with my mom and sister which was really fun . Then Nate took me to dinner . It was nice to have some time for the two of us . I received some really great gifts and cards and many phone calls . I think the thing that is most special to me is the necklace my 11 - year - old gave me . It is gold and has a " J " on it . When I first opened it , I wanted to take it back , knowing he had spent too much money on me . Then , after the kids were in bed , my husband explained to me how important this was to Jacob . He has been saving his money to buy some rollerblades , but chose to use a good portion of his money to buy me something . He said , " Dad , I really want to give this to Mom . I really want her to know how much I love her . " While I don 't need any material things from him to know of his love for me , the necklace will be a constant reminder of his love and sacrifice . He 'll now have to start saving again for those rollerblades . I am very blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life . So many took time out of their day to make mine more special . Thank you so much . I love you guys . Friday night Nate and I attended a skiing activity at Powder Mountain with some people from our ward . Nate wanted to try snowboarding and I had some friends going who would be snowboarding to so I decided to give it a try too . We got up there later than everyone else and after asking Christie and Mindy a couple questions about how to move around with the snowboard on and a general idea of how to get down the mountain , Nate and I headed up to the top . My first challenge : Getting on the ski lift . I seriously could not balance while only having ONE foot in the board . How I longed for my skis while trying to get on the lift . Nate helped me on and even motioned to the guy at the top to slow it down so we could get off okay . That didn 't help . I fell getting off and took Nate down with me . Second challenge : Getting down the mountain . I didn 't go very far before I fell down more times than I can count . Nate was falling too , but doing better than me . Oh , how my muscles ached . At one point , Nate said I could always sit on my board and go down like it was a sled . We kept going and before long my friends caught up with us . They again gave a few more instructions and I did a little better . I convinced Nate to go with Mindy and I would hang back with Christie . After a few more falls , Christie and I decided to take Nate 's suggestion and sit on our boards to get down the mountain . I laughed the entire way . However , using my feet as breaks did make things cold with the snow spraying up in my face . People looked and some made comments , but Christie and I didn 't care . We had fun . So much fun we decided to head back up to the top and do it again . We headed over to the lift and were promptly told we 'd need to put our boards on before getting on the lift . I was a little nervous because of my first experience and I was pretty sure Christie couldn 't practically carry me on like Nate had the first time . It actually was much easier that time . Getting off , however , was a lot like the last time except I took Christie down instead of Nate . We undiPosted by I have a two - year - old . He is so fun at times and so very frustrating at others . He had a really hard time in sacrament meeting today . Finally , we were singing the closing hymn and it was almost time to go home . I tried to convey the message to my son that we only had to sing and have a prayer and then we would go , but of course his noise level just rose . I was so frustrated at that point that I had to take him out . Just as we get to the door he starts saying , " I love you , mommy . I love you , mommy . " He said that over and over as I was taking him out looking for a place to let him know what he 'd been doing wasn 't okay . At that point I was trying not to laugh and said , " I love you too . " He said , " Alright . " Ah , terrible twos . It really is a fun time . Last Friday my family had a wonderful opportunity to attend the Draper Temple open house . When I first heard about the open house , I knew I wanted to take the kids . By the time I actually got around to requesting tickets , all the Saturdays were gone , so I decided I 'd take them out of school to go . After all , they go to school almost everyday , but how often do they get to walk through a temple ? So , Friday rolls around and I feel crappy . I was dizzy and nauseous . Nate ended up staying home that morning to take care of me and the kids . That was not the plan . He offered to stay with me all day or take the kids to the temple open house . While I felt like garbage , I also didn 't want to miss out on the temple . . . so , long story short ( too late ) I got ready and we headed out . By the time we got there , I was feeling much better . We started at the church to watch the video . My children were all surprisingly well behaved . Even better than a group of teenage girls sitting behind us ( not that it was hard to be better than that ) . Then , we boarded the bus for the short ride up the mountain . We stepped into the temple and immediately felt the spirit and reverence that was there . Once again , my children were doing great . I think it 's like my friend Christie said , they just get how special that place is . As we walked to different areas , I talked to my children about some of the important things that take place . The baptismal font where Jacob will be able to go next year , the Celestial room , and of course the sealing room . In that room , we looked at the mirrors so we could see our eternal family . It was so amazing to have all of us there together and to know that we can stay that way for all eternity . Throughout the rest of the day my kids talked about how neat that was . How beautiful it was . Saturday night I told Brandon that we had church the next day . He was so excited and asked if it was the temple church . He wanted to go back . It turned out to be a great day to spend with our family . I hope the impression it left on my children stays Posted by Today Brandon is 5 ! I remember vividly this day 5 years ago . It was a Friday . I went to the hospital to have some tests done to make sure he was ok and there was enough amniotic fluid since I was going to go past my due date over the weekend . After an ultrasound , the nurse hooked me up to some machines to monitor Brandon 's heart and my contractions , if there were any . My mom was with me and said it looked like I was having contractions , so the nurse took the papers to the doctor for him to look at ( not my doctor ) . He said everything looked just fine and they sent me on my way . I went shopping with my mom ( this ends up being a pattern for me ) and had to keep stopping to hold on to the cart because my stomach hurt so bad . I had induced labor with my first 2 kids , so I wasn 't sure what it felt like to go on my own . However , I was pretty sure this wasn 't it , since the doctor had just told me 30 minutes ago that I wasn 't in labor . We finished our shopping and I had my mom drive home because I was in so much pain . I called my husband to come home and take me to the my doctor 's office so I could find out what was going on . He checked me and I was dilated to an 8 . Fortunately , my doctor 's office is in the hospital so I walked myself down to labor and delivery with my husband following close behind . By the time I was ready and checked again , I was at a 9 . Brandon was born a very short time later . Now , 5 years later , I am so grateful to have this little guy in our family . I say , " little " because he is for his age . He also doesn 't talk a whole lot , but when he does , he 's bound to say something sweet . In fact , he doesn 't miss many opportunities to say , " I like you , Mom . " Brandon , I like you too . A whole bunch . I found out just over a year ago that my 2 - year - old is allergic to eggs . I had him tested on New Years ' eve 2007 after he 'd broken out in a rash a couple times after eating eggs . Turned out he was highly allergic to the yolk and white . I was told to avoid everything that has eggs in it for an entire year and then get him tested again . We also have to carry an epi - pen with us . For the next year , he could not have cakes , most cookies , some pastas , stuff with breading , and many other things that contain eggs . It was difficult to explain to my then 1 - year - old that he couldn 't have those things he wanted . He didn 't understand . I would tell him " You can 't have this . It has eggs in it . " Even though he didn 't get it , I wanted him to know why . Especially since I wasn 't sure how long he would have to avoid this stuff . I wanted him to learn that he can 't have things with eggs in them . I also get flu shots for my kids each year . This year , he lucked out . The ingredients for the vaccine are grown inside eggs , so he didn 't get one . All that avoidance has paid off . I had him retested at the end of last year and he is now mildly allergic to egg whites and should no longer be allergic to the yolks . Hurray ! We still have another year of avoiding things made with eggs and then we 'll get him tested again . However , I can make my own stuff and just use the yolks . That 's pretty exciting around here . I also think he is starting to understand . Yesterday he had a pack of gum in his hands . I asked him if I could have some . This is how the conversation went . Me : " Can mommy have a piece ? " Zach : " No , has eggs in it . " So , I got a letter today from the elementary school letting me know that it 's almost time for Kindergarten Roundup for my almost 5 - year - old . That means that come fall , 3 of my 4 kids will be in public school . That leaves just me and my baby during those two short hours that Kindergarten is in session . I like the idea of some quality one - on - one time , but I also started thinking that maybe I should also go back to school . I got my associates degree a few weeks before I got married and have always wanted to go back and finish . Okay , so maybe not always . There are times when the thought of going back to school seems daunting . Plus , I love what I do now . I 'm a mom . It 's the best job I 've ever had . I called the University I got my associates degree from and had my account reactivated so I can return in the fall . So , between now and then I 'll be doing a lot of thinking , praying , and of course , spending time with my kids . Yesterday , my " baby " turned 11 . People say that time goes fast , but for me , that 's one of those things I have to experience for myself to fully understand it . It 's hard to believe I have been a parent for 11 years now . Jacob is such a great kid . He is definitely a great example to me of unconditional love . It doesn 't seem to matter what goes on during his day , even if he 's been in trouble , he always finds moments to express his love to me . I truly love that about him . He is also a big help . He helps me so much with his siblings . He 'll play with them and take care of them and includes them in a lot of the stuff he does . He tries new things . He 's usually the first to try a new food or activity . He may not like it , but at least he gave it a try . Give him some time and he 'll try again just to see if he likes it now . He is very social . The boy loves to talk . He 's not shy and wants to spend time talking to his friends . He 'll also strike up a conversation with people he doesn 't know . That was a bit of a problem when he was younger and he 'd tell people all about him and his family - at age 4 . Jacob is a wonderful son and big brother . Our family is very blessed to have him . My first born . I love you , Jacob ! There are many people in my life whom I appreciate . I am grateful to them for the things they do and who they are . However , I must say , there are also people I take for granted . Not purposely , but I get caught up in day to day stuff and know certain people will be there to do the things they have always done . Every once in a while , I am blessed with the opportunity to see just how much someone in my life truly means to me . It is usually when I am put into a similar position that other person has experienced . For example , my Mom . I love her so much - always have . However , I didn 't fully appreciate all that she is or all that she does until I was blessed to have my first son , Jacob . When he was born , I started to comprehend all the emotions , effort , and sacrifice that come with being a parent . Notice that I said , " started , " because I learn more each day as my family grows . I really love my Mom . More and more everyday . Another example , I was given the call to serve as Primary president in our current ward . I had done it before in the ward we moved from and I was serving as 2nd counselor in this ward , so I thought , " yeah , I can do that . " I always thought Mindy was awesome and I want to be like her when I grow up . However , I don 't think I fully understood all the responsibility and hard work that was part of the calling . Maybe I still don 't , but I am grateful to her . She still helps me today . There are many men and women that help me so much and set a great example that I couldn 't possibly list them all . I am grateful to them all . Call it peer preasure , insanity , jealousy . After nearly a year of prompting by some very good friends , I have jumped on board and started a blog . I thought , " What better way to start a new year than to start a blog . " So , here I am . We celebrated New Year 's Eve just staying at home and hanging out with a few family members . We spent most of the evening playing karaoke and rock band and eating junk food . Pretty low key , but I had a lot of fun . Brandon and Jacob stayed up until around 1 AM . Zach crashed around 10 : 45 and Riley followed shortly . One of the things I want to do this year is look for the positive side and I am hoping this blog will help me accomplish that goal . Even when there isn 't something great to be found immediately I 'll try and remember what President Hinckley said , " Oh , things will work out . " I hope your year brings you great things and you can find the positive moments in your life . |
Janey is gradually , gradually getting better . She spends less of her day in bed now , and walks much less hunched over . She is starting to eat a little bit better , and we don 't worry all day quite as much about her drinking enough . But it 's SLOW . I 'm very glad the surgeon warned us it would be , or we would be much more worried . Yesterday , we went to visit Janey 's classroom , to say goodbye to her teacher and pick up her stuff . It was the last full day of the school year , although of course Janey 's school year ended abruptly a month ago . Janey was very happy to see everyone ! It took her a minute to take in that we were actually in her room , but once she did , she was all smiles . It was wonderful to see . Wonderful both ways - - - to see Janey happy , and to see her teacher and all the therapists and staff and aides that saw her so engaged with her , so happy to see her . They all seemed to have a special thing they did with her , some kind of high five or dance or saying . It was truly special to see . We will miss Janey 's teacher , Miss Jenn . She was terrific with Janey , and so caring . It was not an easy year for Janey , and she was with us every step of the way . One thing that was interesting was how little attention Janey paid to the other kids . They were happy to see her , and many of them ran over to hug her . They had made her cards , which were great ( and which made me see how Janey seems like the only kid in her class that can 't draw or write ) She seemed to barely notice them . I wonder if this is because many of them seem to operate at a lot higher level than her , or if it 's just how Janey is . Later yesterday , we visited with a woman and her daughter who we 'd met because Freddy is friends with a son his age in the family . The daughter is on the spectrum , although on the far other end from Janey . Janey again paid not much attention to the girl . Some day , I 'd like to do a tour and meet in person many of the people I 've met through this blog , to talk with them ( wouldn 't that be wonderful ! ) and to meet their daughters . I feel like I 've never met another family in person with a daughter like Janey . It 's a bit of a lonely feeling , that yesterday pounded home to me . The autistic spectrum is very wide , and the edges of it are not as populated , especially 's Janey 's end , I am finding . Another feeling hit me yesterday , a bit more positive one . I realized how when I 'm not around other kids , Janey just seems like Janey . I don 't spend a lot of time comparing her to where she " should " be . It doesn 't seem especially strange to me that she doesn 't talk much , or that she screams a lot , or that she isn 't toilet trained , that she can 't read or write or draw . Of course , I wish she could do those things , but that 's not Janey . Unless I 'm face to face with others that can do those things , even though they have the same diagnosis as Janey , it just seems like - - - well , Janey is Janey . I guess that 's autism acceptance , in a way . It doesn 't mean that I don 't feel sad that Janey 's life is and will be very limited by what she can 't do , but I don 't spend a lot of time thinking how different she is from others . The part that does make me angry is how there is so much less help for kids like Janey than there is for kids with less severe autism . There is nothing for Janey except school , nothing . No camps , no respite , no social skills groups , no friends , no lessons , nothing . There is nothing . That has been confirmed by talking with three social workers specializing in kids like Janey in the last month . And it 's why I am so grateful for her school . I felt at home there yesterday - - - not quite as at home as I used to at her old school , but at home . I felt like it was a place where Janey was accepted and loved . And there aren 't that many places like that . So thank you , Boston Public Schools . You don 't get enough love , but for our family , you 've been wonderful . Well , it 's slow but steady . She is eating much better than she was , is drinking a good amount , her digestive system seems to be working well based on pullups , she doesn 't seem to be in pain most of the time . She hasn 't had any fevers or signs of infection . Those are all good things ! However , she is still what the surgeon told us to expect , " debilitated " . At the time , it struck me as an unusual word to use . It sounded more severe than anything I pictured . But it 's actually a very accurate word . Janey really is debilitated . She still needs a huge amount of rest . She spends a lot of the day lying down in bed . She gets very tired after walking . She walks hunched over most of the time . She looks thin and pale . She looks like what she is , someone who was seriously ill and in the hospital for a long time . We are taking her out a little at a time . This afternoon , we took her along when taking her brother William to work at Whole Foods , and took her in the store for a few minutes . She usually likes Whole Foods a lot , but this time , she got extremely worn out quickly . I wound up taking her back to the car while Tony checked out . It 's probably lucky that I 've gotten used to getting stares over the years due to Janey 's behavior , as we got stares . Not because of her behavior , which was very quiet , but because of the careful and hunched way she was walking , and the fact we had to stop and rest a few times on the way to the car . They are different kinds of stares than I am used to . The behavior stares are more curious , more stealthy and sometimes a bit judgey . These stares look concerned , unsettled . I don 't like either kind much , but I can understand these a bit . Janey 's behavior ? It is not back to normal , but there are shades of it . She gets very upset when we tell her no , which we are not having to do a lot of - - - she isn 't asking for much . But when we have to say no , she screams quickly and loudly , intensely , and then it 's over , like she knows she won 't have the energy to cry for long . She is biting her arm when she 's upset , but she hasn 't been aggressive to others at all lately , save one slap to my face a few days ago . Mostly , she 's like a tired version of her old self . There is no jumping up and down , no running around , no climbing things to get what she wants . She is watching a great deal of YouTube on her iPad , like in the hospital . An interesting thing I 've noticed is that Janey seems to appreciate little things I don 't think she ever noticed much before . When we first got home , and she was on her own bed , with her own blankets , she smiled the hugest smile you can imagine . We were all gathered around , and it was a wonderful moment . I can imagine that despite us trying to explain otherwise to her , she might have not been sure if she had permanently moved to the hospital , and she seemed thrilled that was not the case . When she asks me to lie with her on the bed , and I do , she has been smiling at me with the sweetest , most loving smile I 've ever seen . She often wanted me to lie with her in the hospital , and there just wasn 't room , and I think she loves it than now we can do that . I can 't imagine what has gone on in Janey 's mind about this whole ordeal . I 've tried to explain it to her , and she can say " appendix " , but I don 't think she understands much at all . To her , it must have felt like some odd kind of arbitrary torture at times . I keep thinking of the times when she couldn 't have anything by mouth , even water . She would ask over and over and over " Water ? Water , please ! Water ! " and we would have to say no . It killed me to say no to that - - - one of the basic things a mother does for a child . I am sure she had no idea why she suddenly had to be thirsty . Then , when she wasn 't drinking enough , we kept urging water on her , and she didn 't want it . She must have thought we 'd gone some strange kind of crazy , or become suddenly cruel . It is so hard to think about that . I hope Janey is well enough to go to summer school when it starts . I think she will be . It 's a slow road , though , and it 's made harder by her autism . I can 't explain why she needs to try to stand up straight , or why her stomach might still feel weird , or why in fact any of the past month has happened . But she is a strong girl , and I know there will be a day when this is completely behind us . I am looking forward to that day . Almost everyone with a child with autism has noted that they express pain differently than other kids . This might seem like an odd little quirk , but the events of the last month have shown me it 's far from that . Janey 's reaction to the pain of appendicitis almost certainly contributed to her appendix rupturing , and her post - surgical pain reactions quite likely make the complications she experienced harder to treat . If I can get one message across ever through this blog , this might be the one . . . DON ' T ASSUME KIDS WITH AUTISM WILL SHOW PAIN IN A TYPICAL WAY ! I keep going back in my mind to the night we thought Janey was having a seizure and we called an ambulance . Of course we don 't know for sure , but Tony and I both now think that Janey 's appendix burst that night . She had a high fever , and we were taking turns checking on her all night . When Tony checked on her in the wee hours of the morning , her arm was jerking over and over . She was burning up with fever . The EMTs quickly told us it wasn 't a seizure when they arrived , and the ER staff felt the same way . But it was something . I think now it was a reaction to the terrible pain she must have felt as her appendix burst . Neither Tony or I can remember for sure if the ER staff checked Janey 's belly ( I have learned " belly " is the technical terms for what we untechnically call " tummy " ) for pain . Janey was not presenting like someone with appendicitis , and she wasn 't being co - operative . It took 6 people to get a throat culture on her . The ER doctor assumed she had some kind of virus , and sent us home . Her blood wasn 't tested , but even if it had been , that might not have shed any light on things , as when it was tested the next night , her white count was normal . The key here again was how she was showing pain . If she had been screaming , or if she had been able to say " My tummy hurts ! " , I think some red flags would have gone up . Even once Janey was admitted to the hospital , after we took her back the next night , she wasn 't showing the pain you 'd typically see in a child with an appendix that had already burst . Tony and I could see she was far from herself . The big thing we saw was that she wasn 't moving . She lay in the bed in a very , very fixed position . I think moving was extremely painful for her , so she just didn 't move . I remember a group of doctors coming in and one of them shaking her bed a bit , and when she didn 't react , saying something like " Well , she doesn 't have peritonitis " ( an inflammation of the wall of the abdomen ) because she didn 't react to the shaking . She didn 't react , I think , because she was determined not to move at all . She had on her face what I call the stoic look . It 's a look I see a lot on her , a look where she seems to just be retreating into herself and doing everything not to let the outside world affect her . It 's not a look that betrays pain . Thankfully , so thankfully , the CAT scan done eventually on Janey showed her burst appendix clearly . But her atypical reactions to pain were still an issue after the surgery . At first , she was just given morphine around the clock , but the days went by , sometimes nurses would ask me " Do you think she 's in pain ? " I knew we didn 't want to give her too much morphine , that too much could slow her recovery . But so often , I just didn 't know , even myself , if she were in pain . It was so hard to tell if she was crying because she hated the IVs , or was upset to be in the hospital in general , or if a video had scared her . . . it was so tricky . We could ask her " Do you have a hurty feeling ? " and she would echo it back " Do you have a hurty feeling ? " If we asked her to point to the hurty feeling , I think she often took that as a cue she was supposed to point to SOMETHING , and sometimes it was her belly but other times the pointing just seemed random . Thinking back , I wish I 'd worried less about how much morphine was getting and erred more on the side of assuming she was in pain . But I wish even more she could express the pain in a way that was easier to understand . I am glad Janey and all of us have only one appendix . I will not be faced with this particular situation again . But speaking to all the families of an autistic child still possessing an appendix , my advice would be this - - - - If there 's a chance it 's appendicitis , push for imaging to be done . Ultrasounds didn 't show the problem for Janey ; she needed a CAT scan for that , but that might just be her . Make sure the medical professionals know that how much pain your child seems to be in should NOT be used to rule out appendicitis ! This would also apply , I am sure , to any other potentially serious cause of pain . I hope none of you ever have to use this knowledge . Best of health to all of you . Yes , indeed , after 18 days at Mass General Hospital for Children , Janey is finally home . It 's wonderful to have her here . I 'm not going to write much tonight , but I know in the coming days , weeks , months and probably years , I 'll be reflecting on this whole experience . For now , I mostly just want to write a few thank yous . First , to my family and friends for being so supportive during this whole ordeal . It was wonderful to have everyone at the other end of a phone line or an internet connection . I loved the cards and even a few packages sent to me by people I don 't know in person but know through this blog and feel very close to ! My local friends were great , and I most certainly could not have gotten through the combination of Freddy 's graduation week and the hospital stay without them . William and Freddy held down the fort at home and visited Janey often , and were their usual terrific selves . Next , to all of the staff of Mass General that worked with Janey . It so very much shows that the whole hospital has been trained in autism , but beyond that , that the hospital seems to have a special air about it . We 've spent time in other hospital , but there was something about this one - - - a feeling of caring on a personal level . Janey 's surgeon , Dr . Cassandra Kelleher , took so much time to talk with us and to explain everything , and to show she saw Janey not just as a case but as a child , one she cared about . The nurses - - - wow ! So many thanks to Karen , Daisy , Katie , Jenny , Vicky . . . and all the rest whose names escape me just now but who I will always be grateful to . I never once , not for a minute , felt like Janey 's autism was something they found difficult to deal with . They listened to what we said would work best with Janey and did everything they could to make every procedure and test as easy on her as possible . Everyone else at the hospital - - - the people who brought the meals , the staff in the playroom , the OT who wrote an autism plan for Janey , the CT scan people - - - everyone was respectful and kind to Janey and to us . My biggest thank you right now is to Tony , my husband . I think sometimes I don 't mention often enough here what an amazing father and husband he is . This was one of the toughest times we 've ever gone through in our lives , and he was so wonderful . He put his stressful job totally aside and took the last two weeks to just be with Janey , at her side . He let me keep my sanity , and his presence helped Janey stay calm . She loves Daddy like no - one else on Earth . It 's not an easy gig , being Janey 's father , but he excels at it . I most sincerely hope part 10 is the last part of this saga written in the hospital . Janey is ready to go home except for one thing - - - her drinking . Talking with her surgeon on Friday night , she explained her eating , although not good , is not nearly as crucial as making sure she drinks enough . You can go a long , long time without eating - - - Janey went about 10 days without anything but IV fluids - - - but you can 't go long at all without drinking . And Janey is drinking very little . She did better today . She had about 20 sips of water , and quite a few times , she let Tony fill a straw with lemonade and then put it in her mouth . All together , her fluid input by mouth was maybe 4 to 6 ounces , and that was with extreme effort . That isn 't enough . Part of why Janey isn 't drinking is the thrush in her mouth . All the bacteria pretty much in her digestive system was killed by 2 weeks of three strong antibiotics . So yeast was able to take over . She has a terrible diaper yeast diaper rash and the thrush is also yeast . It probably hurts her to drink , although she does seem able to eat things that aren 't super easy to eat , like salami and onions . Part of it might just be that she is sick of us trying to force liquids on her , and she is sick of the whole hospital routine . I think if she were home , she 'd drink more , but Tony isn 't as sure , and I trust his judgement . He 's the best at getting her to eat and drink . How do I feel about going home ? Mixed feelings . I am scared , partly . I 'm scared because I now see how very much I don 't know about Janey 's health , and how quickly and scarily things can go downhill . How will I know how serious things are , if a top - notch hospital first saw her very early Wednesday morning and didn 't finally realize she had a burst appendix until Friday afternoon ? They know a lot more than I do , and they didn 't see what was happening until things became hugely serious , leading to a recovery fraught with complications . That is Janey . She is hard to read , I know , and I am realizing it goes further than I ever even knew . I am scared also because Janey is still tough in the ways she was before this all happened . She has been , ironically , easier in a behavioral way during the whole ordeal than she has in years , but of course not for good reasons . She has been in pain , on morphine a lot , out of it . Now , as she starts to come back into herself , we are again seeing some self - biting , a little aggression . And we have no more help , no more solutions , than we ever did . In fact , we are more sure than ever there really isn 't any help out there . I talked to two separate hospital social workers and the hospital OT who is the autism specialist , and neither of them knew of a single source of respite or a single program that would help Janey . I am satisfied , if that is the word , that none exist . Except school , and school for Janey is over until maybe summer school . There are two weeks left of school in Boston , but Janey will be home . She is still too sick for school . The good feelings about going home are , well , that I will get part of my life back . I got into gardening in a big way this year . The garden has been left almost all to its own accords for weeks now . I hope I can salvage some of it . Janey may be easier to entertain at home , or not . I will be able to spend more time with my boys , and see the cats , and just not be in a hospital all the time . In many ways , I feel like I haven 't really even fully processed what has happened . It feels unreal in a lot of ways . Of all the things I worried about with Janey , the idea of her becoming seriously sick was right up with the last of them . Life likes to do that to people , and sometimes when I am feeling sorry for myself , which has happened a bit more lately , it feels like it likes to do it to me in particular . I don 't like that feeling . I don 't like feeling sorry for myself . I am working to get that out of my head . But it sneaks back now and then . Maybe I should just take a while to feel it , and then move on , because that is all I can do . It 's all all of us can do . That 's about the size of it - - - working all the time to get any food into Janey . We can think about going home once she eats a little more than she is now , but she is very non - interested in food . Just now , as I started to write , we had a little breakthrough . Tony got a long thin loaf of fancy bread at the Whole Foods near here , and Janey is holding it and taking mini - bites . She actually asked for it when we thought she was done and took it away . It 's the first she 's really eaten without being seriously urged . This morning , she ate a slice of onion - - - one of her favorite foods , and she 's had a few slivers of salami . But that 's about it for today . That isn 't enough . She is getting some breaks from the round the clock nutrition by IV , to try to get her hungry . I know she will eat in time , but I wish it would be now , although I know she is regulating herself based on what she feels like she can stand . Otherwise , she is mostly okay . Today is the last day of her antibiotics - - - day 14 . It 's hard to believe this is day 15 overall in the hospital . In today 's drive - through hospital stay world , that 's a long , long time . She is walking with a lot more ease . She does still have diarrhea and quite a rash in that area , but her digestive sounds are good , and two of her three drains have been taken out . That 's the physical part . As Janey gets feeling a bit better , it 's getting harder to keep her happy here . Part of how we knew how very sick she was is how easy she was to care for , when she was sleeping huge parts of the day , watching TV listlessly and just not fighting anything . Now , she is getting bored , I think . Thank goodness for the iPad . For years , we resisted letting her use the iPad as an alternative TV . The iPad was the device that was supposed to change autism , to teach Janey to communicate , to learn ! I put all kinds of educational programs on there , " fun " one , but I didn 't show her that she could watch YouTube on there too . Well , of course that is no longer the case . We put on YouTube Kids , a great program which allows her access to a filtered YouTube , and she is watching it around the clock . She loves the control , so she can watch as little or as much of a show as she wants . I 've tried to show her how to use the voice search , but she doesn 't like to talk on demand in that way . Today , the surgeon said Janey 's bowel sounds were NORMAL - - - a wonderful thing to hear . It was the first time in two weeks that has been the case . It was also the first time we heard the work " discharge " in terms of her going home , not with a date attached , but she said something like " Now we can think about discharge someday ! " We are feeling cautiously optimistic , although the surgeon made sure we understood it 's still a long , long road to recovery , and Janey would not be herself for a long , long time . She said Janey has had one of the most serious conditions that a child patient can have in a hospital , in terms of length of stay and time to recover . But we are finally talking recovery , not just crisis after crisis . Maybe with the getting somewhat better , Janey is acting more unhappy . When she was so sick she could barely move , she didn 't seem as sad as she does now . I can think of only two times she has smiled since she 's been in the hospital . She spends a lot of time just saying " Mama ! Daddy ! " and making a sad whining sound . It 's hard to hear . The big challenge is knowing how much of this is pain . I feel like she 's shown us that she has a huge tolerance for pain , and doesn 't show it in normal ways . So it 's up to us to figure that out . She is able to have morphine when the pain gets bad , but morphine slows everything down and also people develop a tolerance to it after a while , so you want to use it sparingly . We have seen the tolerance already , in that a dose used to get her to sleep almost instantly , and now it seems to help much less . We have been trying to get Janey up and walking as much as we can , but walking tires her out to an amazing extent . We walk to the playroom , which is just a short walk about 10 rooms down , and once there , she is very , very tired , and slouches down in a chair alarmingly . Walking back , she is even more tired and tries to go into other rooms and sleep in other patient 's rooms . It is hard to believe this is the same little girl who had endless energy and never , ever stopped jumping while watching TV . Eating is the other challenge . Janey is finally on a non - restricted diet . She can eat anything she wants . She is still getting the IV nutrition around the clock , but of course we want to get off that eventually . We got her to eat more lunch today than we had in a while - - - - about 10 kernels of corn , 10 bites of tomato chucks from salsa , a couple thin slivers of salami , a bite of cookie , a few bites of bread - - - actually a huge meal for her ! Eating is an area where I think a misunderstanding of autism is common . Someone commented it 's hard to get kids eating again that are picky eaters to start with , assuming that Janey would be one . But she isn 't . She likes to eat a very lot , and eats a huge variety of foods . As we have found to be the case here , everyone listened to what we said . They put Janey on adult meals , so we can order more exotic foods than the child 's menu would allow . My biggest fears lately are about how this experience is going to change Janey , to maybe take away the things that were her sources of joy . Seeing her have trouble even walking , or seeing her not enjoy food - - it 's sad . Those were her " normal " joys . I have to admit I 've had some moments of thinking this all just isn 't fair . Within a year , Janey has first been hospitalized for autism - related issues for a long time , and now , for physical health reasons . Wouldn 't one or another be enough ? I try hard not to get discouraged , to feel put - upon , to cry much , at least until I have a day alone , but at times , I am having a hard time with it all . The big bright spot , one I should have probably opened with , is that last night I was able to get away for a few hours to see Janey 's brother Freddy graduate from Boston Latin School , class of 2015 . It was a wonderful ceremony , and I am so proud of my newest high school graduate . Tony had to stay here , which caused me some tears , but my parents , Freddy 's brother William , his aunt and uncle and some dear family friends who have known Freddy from the start were there to cheer for him . It is not how I ever pictured his graduation night being , but life is often not what we pictured . Watching him get his diploma was one of those moments when life was more than I ever expected . And Janey is getting better . She will get better . Of the days we 've been in the hospital , yesterday might have been the least eventful . Janey ran a fever a bit , had some pain and got some morphine for it off and on , took some good naps and just hung in there . The down side of yesterday was that she noticed her drains , and started to try to touch them and pull at them . They are tubes coming out of her belly , with bags attached . They drain out fluids ( if you 've stopped reading by now because you are a little faint , you are like I would have been before going through this ) . Twice a day , a surgeon injects them with the same substance given to people who have had a stroke . This is to break up clots and keep them flowing . Janey is trying to get at the drains off and on all the time now . When she really gets going , we have to put a soft restraining thing on her arm with Velcro , which keeps her from using her elbow . She always has one of these on the other hand , to cover the PICC line , as it would be very , very bad if she got at that , so I hate to cover her free arm , but I would more hate for her to infect the drains or pull them out . The nurses are so wonderfully reluctant to use any restraints . They try everything else first . But at times , it 's more important than anything else to keep her safe and healing . This morning , we took Janey for a walk around , which is quite an operation as it 's hard to get her to standing without causing her pain , and she gets tired very quickly . But we walked to the child life room and she enjoyed looking at the fish , then we got a wheelchair and walked to another fish tank . Then she was very tired out and we went back to the room . It is hard to see that Janey is that sick , that a simple walk is almost more than she can do . I slept the most last night I have in a while , thanks to Tony staying awake a lot . It 's strange that this makes me feel more tired today . I think when I get a little rest , the adrenaline or whatever keeps me going stops pumping out , and I am not as able to run on fumes . Talking to the surgeon this morning , we decided it was better that one of us be here for Janey during Freddy 's high school graduation tomorrow . I wish we could both be there , but Freddy understands , and we will have other friends and family there . Tony is going to stay with Janey . I keep thinking how Janey was born on Freddy 's seventh birthday , and in some ways , he 's been sharing the time for his big events since then . He is an amazing brother to her , and we are so proud of him and of William . So the story goes on . It 's a story that if you had told me two weeks ago we were about to start , I 'd have not believed you . And I do hope before too too long , it all again feels like a long ago , unbelievable dream . When we left you in this continuing saga , Janey was off getting a CT scan to look for abscesses . The CT scan was quick , and Tony went out to get a bite to eat when one of the surgeons came back to tell me that yes , it looked like Janey has multiple abscesses . That wasn 't exactly what we wanted to hear , but I am so glad they did look for them . Her head surgeon came in a bit later and explained things to us more . Janey had 5 abscesses . She was going to need interventional radiology to put drains in them . At the same time this was done , they would put in a PICC line to be able to give her nutrition , IV medication and draw blood , without having to do lots more IVs . The big question last night was whether I would go to her brother Freddy 's Prize Night . The night is the second biggest night in the six years at Boston Latin School , the school Freddy graduates from on Monday . I have looked forward to the night for years , but never dreamt I would have to decide whether to go while Janey was in surgery . After talking to the surgeon and to the nurses , I did decide to go . Tony stayed here and promised to keep in touch with me by text , which he did . The night was wonderful . It was held at an old church building on the campus of Harvard , a beautiful venue . There was amazing music played by the string orchestra of the school , including a sad piece which of course set me to crying quite a bit , partly about Janey and partly from thinking of an era being over with Freddy . My emotions right there were about as intense as emotions get . Watching the prizes get given out was so interesting . Everyone got a prize of some kind , and I was very proud that Freddy got two , both connected to his declamation ( speech giving ) skills . Then it was back to reality . Janey had come back from surgery while I was gone . I saw her drains , which are a little scary to look at but not that bad . They were able to drain 4 of the abscesses with 3 different drains . One was too surrounded by bowel to be able to drain . Hopefully that one will resolve on its own . Janey was doing remarkably well . Today , Janey isn 't feeling quite as good . Her fever is up a bit , which was sort of half expected , and she was in a bit of pain . They authorized clear liquids , but she had just a sip of apple juice and later threw up . Her stomach just isn 't ready yet . I have to say here how wonderful almost everyone at this hospital is . The nurses on our floor are just plain amazing . They are so kind , they care so obviously for Janey , they are knowledgable and competent and just . . . wow . The surgeons have also been great , especially the surgeon who did the original surgery on Janey . She listened to us , answered all our questions so well , and even remembered Freddy and answered me seriously and truthfully about going to his prize night . And - - - Janey has been amazing also . Overall , I can say there 's been many times she 's gotten far more upset over us saying no to a trip to the ice cream store than she has over major things here like having an IV put in . She is alert and watches everything , and is learning new terms . Today , she said " Want to call the nurse ? " as I picked up the control with the nurse button , and she has started calling her stomach area her " belly " as she has heard them do . Sleep is the toughest thing . We got some last night , but I am living in a constant state of tiredness . Often , also in hungriness , as I don 't eat the room since Janey can 't , and it can be hard to find time to sneak out and get something to eat . This may be the most effective diet I 've ever been on . Writing in this blog and hearing from all of you truly is keeping me going . I need this writing more than anything . I don 't think I 'd ever remember these days clearly or be able to work through them in my head without it , and it 's a fantastic bonus to be able to share Janey 's story . I hope none of you ever have to have your child with autism in the hospital for an extended time ( or any child at all ! ) but I hope if anyone does , my writing will help a little . So I will close for now , until part seven . . . . . . I very much hope this story doesn 't get more than a few parts longer . Yesterday , that was looking more likely . Today , not so much . Janey got moved back down to the regular ward yesterday afternoon . We were very hopeful when that happened . Her surgeon thought her belly felt much better , and had digestive sounds , and although she had originally planned on getting a CAT scan , she cancelled it . There was also a lot of talk of getting her a PIC line for nutrition , but with the belly seeming better , it was decided to give her a day to try to start eating , and she was allowed clear fluids . However , she didn 't have much interest in eating ( or drinking , really ) . She did have some ginger ale and a bit of lemon ice , but mostly she pushed away anything we tried to give her . She also seemed to be in more pain , although she hasn 't had a fever in almost two days now . She was restless . The room we are in has two beds , and she was determined to move to the one she wasn 't on . So determined that she knocked out an IV trying to move once and then loosened one another time , sending out blood . She also is still having diarrhea , lots of it . So this morning , her surgeon decided to order the CAT scan after all , and she is there now getting it ( with Daddy ) She thinks she has an abscess forming , and that would need to get a drain . They also are going to finally get the PIC line , as Janey is getting thinner and thinner . She is looking bony . She hasn 't had real food for 11 days now , which is just way too long . Last night , Tony slept here where I slept in the extra bed . Usually , I have him sleep at home or in another room , because he is a heavy sleeper and I am not , and we want to hear what is going on . That was the plan yesterday , until I just felt I 'd hit some kind of limit . It wasn 't tiredness - - - I 've almost gotten used to that . It was a feeling that I could not longer make decisions . I could no longer tell if Janey was having an issue I should call the nurse about , if she were fine or not fine . I think I 'd had so many days of total vigilance that whatever brain system handles that was no longer working . So Tony took over that , and I went and ate some dinner and sat in the parent room and read . It helped . My mind is still too much of a whirl at this point to be sure , but I think I know what I need to do when this is over . I need to reach out to those in medicine that deal with autism . I need , in some way , to educate those non - autism specialists what autism looks like , and crucially , how to proceed when dealing with a child that might be critically ill but doesn 't show it in typical ways . I talked yesterday to a woman here who is kind of an autism liason with the hospital , and she mentioned I might want to try to join the parent board of the hospital , as she thinks they don 't have a special needs parent . I am far from a joiner , but that might be something I have to try . So - - - we 'll be here for a while yet . Yesterday there was talk of us getting home by Monday , which is Freddy 's graduation day . Today that talk seems to be gone . Of course , that could change again tomorrow . I 've figured that much out there - - - it 's an hour by hour thing . You can 't really make plans , because Janey 's body is the one making the plans . I hope it 's planning for a full recovery in the fairly not so long future . The story continues . There isn 't as much to report this time . Janey is still in the PICU . Yesterday , she had the ultrasound to see if she had an abscesses , and thankfully , she didn 't . It did show she is still very affected by the horrible infection she had after her appendix ruptured , and that her intestines are very stretched out . But she didn 't need to have drains put in , so that was great . She has had a fever most all the time - - - it goes down when she gets the IV Tylenol , but then goes back up as it wears off . It 's not a high fever , but it 's not great she keeps getting it . We were waiting a lot yesterday for her to have a " pick " line put in . I am not sure that 's the right term , but it 's a special IV line which she can get nutrition through , as well as all her antibiotics , and it could be used to draw blood , too . As I 've figured out about the hospital , there is a lot of waiting , and plans change . From what I can gather , there is sort of an argument about whether she should have this line . She needed the nutrition , so they are giving her a different kind that can be put in a regular IV . She has a big bag of cloudy milkshake looking stuff going into her . I guess the worry is that she might have a blood infection of some type , and that would not be a good thing with the pick line , or on the other side of the story , she might start being able to eat soon and the pick line would be overkill . She did start moving her bowels yesterday , over and over and over and over . It 's amazing what she put out considering she hasn 't eaten now for 10 days . At first we were excited she was going , as it meant her digestive system might be recovering , but now the thought is that it might be a bit too much , and they are going to do tests regarding that . So - - - it goes on . I did go home yesterday for about 4 hours in the afternoon and evening . Tony and Freddy convinced me I just had to . It was probably good I did , but I didn 't sleep at home , and taking the subway and train both ways resulted in my net rest being far less than it would have been if I just stayed here . But I had a few bills I really needed to take care of , and it was good to see my garden , which with our recent rain has gone from being very dry to being overcome with weeds . The boys have been incredible . They have visited a lot , held down the fort at home , and just been so much support to us . Janey is a bit miserable this morning . I think she 's just tired of being here , and her stomach is hurting , and she 's just not having fun . I can 't blame her . The plan for today is to see if she can eat , and to try to figure out if she has an infection . Yesterday the plan was to get her back to the regular ward today , although I 'm not sure if that 's still the case . I 've figured out everything happens in the morning in hospitals , when doctors come around , and the rest of the day seems to be mostly waiting for things and just healing , which is fine . I very much appreciate all your thoughts and prayers . I am not much of a prayer myself , but I have done a bit of it too . I would probably call myself an atheist , but the last few days I 'm more of an agnostic , the kind of agnostic that hopes somehow someone is out there hearing my pleas for Janey . But it 's wonderful knowing how many people are thinking of Janey so much . Thank you . Yesterday morning , Janey 's oxygen was still a big issue . The plan was to get her up and walking around more , to try to get the fluid that had built up in her lungs down . She had gained 13 pounds of water weight in 5 days , without eating literally anything at all . So the swelling was pushing on her lungs , as a chest x - ray showed . We tried a walk around the floor , followed by Janey sitting up in a chair . She got very , very tired from this , and when she got in bed , she went into a sleep that was very hard to wake her from . If the oxygen mask left her face even for a minute , her oxygen went down , sometimes as low as 77 , which is very low indeed . One of the doctors on her surgical team came to see her , and it was decided it was time to take her to the the PICU , the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit . It was too hard to wake her and her breathing was too compromised to stay in the regular unit . So around 2 pm , we were moved to the PICU . To work on getting Janey 's fluid down , she was given a diuretic drug . This worked pretty well . Her swelling went down quite a lot , and gradually , as the evening and night went on , she was requiring less oxygen and was breathing better . By morning , she was on room air . Her oxygen levels now are around 93 or so , without oxygen - - - not perfect , but okay . I got to listen in on her rounds this morning , where her case was discussed . At that point , people were feeling better about things , and it was decided that if she stayed stable , possibly she would be able to go back to the regular floor this afternoon . Janey hasn 't eaten really anything since last Monday , 8 days . She 's had IV fluids , but no food and most of the time , not even any water in her mouth . The doctors said today she could have water , and clear liquids . We offered her a choice , and she decided on a juice box . She drank literally one tiny sip of it and threw up . An hour later , she threw up again , far more than she had drunk . By chance , the surgeon that had done her surgery was walking in the door as Janey threw up . That started a discussion . Janey 's fever has never gone totally down for more than a few hours . Today , it is higher than yesterday . So , since she has shown her gut is still not working at all , the surgeon , Dr . Kelleher , said she might have an abscess in her digestive trait , as she had warned us could happen . So - - - tomorrow she will have an ultrasound to see if there 's an abscess . If there is , she will have a drain put in to work on clearing it . That will not be fun . Either way , it 's probable that tomorrow she will have a special IV put in to allow her to get nutrition in an IV . I think this is called TPN . Her water drinking privileges are over for now . She will stay in the ICU for at least another night . Those are the facts . My feelings - - - well , I will hold off on getting into a lot of those . It 's all too raw right now . I 'll just say that just after she came to the ICU yesterday , I went to get something to eat while Tony was with Janey . Somehow , my mind was such that I went outside and got lost . I walked around the huge hospital complex aimlessly , unsure how to find anything , and pretty much not caring . It was raining hard and I was numb to that and everything else . When I finally ran across the front entrance , pretty much by change , and found my way to the cafeteria , I felt like I had forgotten how to do the most basic things in life . There were lines to get hot food , but it seemed far too complicated to do that . I grabbed the first sandwich and soda that hit my hands , and sat down to eat them . I was mostly done with the sandwich when I realized it had olives in it . I hate olives with a passion . Then I looked at my soda . It was Sprite Zero . I hate diet soda . All this to say - - - I was completely , totally , absolutely out of my head overwhelmed . I calmed down after that , and today I am feeling back like myself , in reality . Not to say it feels like any reality I expected to happen . I would not have been surprised at many things that could have happened with Janey , but this ? She has barely been sick a day in her life . I was thinking how it would feel in the pre - internet world to be here . As scary as this all is , I don 't feel alone . When I was awake in the middle of the night last night and wrote a post on Facebook , people saw it and commented within minutes . That 's an example of the miracle of having friends all over the world , people I have never met in person but that I have met with my heart . Thank you , friends . It 's about 5 in the morning here at Mass General . Janey is finally settling down after an ordeal I 'll write about later , Tony and Freddy are sleeping and I am feeling rested after about 3 nice hours of sleep - - - not even being sarcastic there . So I thought I 'd write more of Janey 's appendix story . When Janey came back to her room after her surgery , she was of course very sleepy . She also was having trouble keeping her oxygen up , so she was on an oxygen mask . If she took it off , which she did sometimes , even in her sleep , her levels of oxygen would go way down . If they got lower than 90 , an alarm would sound . That was eventually changed to 85 , as the alarm was going off so much she couldn 't sleep . We got through that first night - - - Tony went home for a bit to sleep . I got maybe an hour 's sleep , but I was hyped enough that it was okay . Our plan was for my friend Maryellen to pick me up in the morning and take me home for a while , probably until 4 , so I could sleep at home and do a few vital house things . I went home as planned , and didn 't sleep right away , because I just couldn 't . My mind was racing and I had to do something to rest it - - - so I watered all my plants and planted some new hostas I had ordered . I have found I always need a fairly obsessive hobby to keep me from going crazy . Right now it 's gardening , and it felt good to just indulge myself a bit . Then I went inside and called Tony , and found out all hell had broken loose at the hospital . Janey 's fever had spiked to 105 under her arm , which is more like 106 . Way too high , obviously . So they did an emergency chest and stomach x - ray , right in our room , to make sure there was not some big issue there . There wasn 't , except for expected things , so they put her on IV Tylenol ( which for some bizarre reason is the most expensive IV drug you can imagine , and which my sister tells me many hospitals won 't use at all , and which they had to get special permission to use here , and the IV nurse had never even heard of it ) , which worked to bring down the fever . Maryellen drove me straight back to the hospital after hearing what was going on . I am very grateful to her . Janey had calmed down some by then , and was happy to see her Except for some more fever spikes , not as bad ones , and some more struggles with her oxygen levels , the rest of that day was okay . Tony went home to sleep , and I tried to sleep , but that night her oxygen was constantly going below 85 and setting off the alarms . The nurses would come , but I would of course wake up and fix her mask . I didn 't sleep except for an hour or so . I called Tony about 2 am and asked him to come back at 4 , and when he did , I caught some sleep . When I woke up , once again crisis had brewed , as her oxygen problems were concerning enough they did another x - ray , to see if she might need the ICU . It was about the same as the day before , so they didn 't . My friend Christine came to help , and that was great - - - Janey was so happy to see her . I was too , as I slept a bit more ! Then , again , crisis , as when Janey woke from a nap , her pain was so much it was overwhelming . She screamed in pain , and started gagging like she was going to throw up , and just looked like something very , very bad was happening . It was so scary . She was given some morphine and finally she calmed down and slept some . We had another episode like that when she woke again . Because her oxygen was being such an issue , it was important for her to sit up and to walk . So even with all the pain , a few times we got her sitting in a chair and we once did a walk ( with tons of help ) to the Child Life room down the hall . She got worn out by that and we took the wheelchair back . The Child Life room was amazing . When Janey is better , I think she will love it . Freddy came last night to help out in the night . We all three stayed here . But even with that , Janey constantly took off her oxygen mask , and when she did , the levels would drop to scary levels - - - as low as 77 , which if you have a child with asthma , as I had two , you know is one very low level . A few hours ago , Janey got enough of her old spunk back that she was fighting the mask extremely hard - - - taking it off and tossing it , pushing it off constantly . The great nurses tried everything - - - using nasal canulas instead , trying different way to put on the mask , but it just wasn 't working . Janey was getting dangerously little oxygen . So , finally , we had to put her in restraints . That was hard to do . By the end of the about hour it took to get that done , the nurses had gotten an advanced degree in Janey Strength and Determination . She managed to get out of the restraints several times before we got them right , she turned her head quickly to try to bite a few times - - - one of the nurses said " You have a special kid there " He wasn 't saying it in a bad way - - - just saying what is true . Janey is not easily kept from what she wants . Now , though , at last , she is getting the oxygen she needs to recover . One of the surgeons came in to tell us how sorry he was they had to use the restraints . I told him , and meant it , that we know they did everything they could to avoid it . Janey 's recovery comes before anything , right now . And here we are , for the foreseeable future . We will not being going home very soon . She can 't eat yet , she can 't walk without support , she can 't breathe without oxygen help . She is in a lot of pain and still spiking a lot of fevers . This is going to be a long haul . Janey 's autism is affecting every part of this medical journey . It made it hard to diagnose what was wrong , and it is making it challenging to treat her . I am so pleased still with the care we are receiving . Mass General will be Janey 's hospital for life , I am pretty sure . I am a mother of 3 - - - two boys , ages 22 and 19 , and a daughter , age 12 . I have been married for 24 years . My daughter Janey was diagnosed at age 3 with autism , and she is the focus of my blog . I 've created a Facebook group as a companion to this blog , as a place to be able to get to know all of you better ! If you 'd like to join , it 's also called Rarer in Girls . I want to thank everyone who reads this blog . You help me get through every day . We went to the beach yesterday , and had a great day , overall . It 's wonderful when we can enjoy ourselves while Janey is too . I worked . . . On Saturday , I was part of a very special wedding . I was the matron of honor for my dear friend Julie as she married Craig . These was a lo . . . |
I am a 52 year old woman who has been having shoulder problems for about 1 year . Pain , stiffness , then it seemed all at once I couldn 't raise my left arm . I don 't recall any injury ; and have been seeking treatment since October 2006 . I have had a manipulation under general anesthesia , but still am unable to bring my arm around to my back , or to the opposite front pocket . Now , November 2007 , I have been diagnosed with breast cancer - - infiltrating ductal carcinoma , grade II , and ductal carcinoma in situ , noncomedo type , nuclear grade II with associated calcifications . The largest focus of carcinoma measures 1 . 2 cm . We were busy today , starting at 8 : 30 for Daniel and 9 : 00 for me . He had breakfasted and was outside when I was fixing my food . He installed a cell phone signal repeater thing , which has improved our signal . We still don 't have full signal , but it 's better than the intermittent service that it was . He came inside and tackled those pesky outlets that would go off and on . He had to go to Hale to get more receptacles , and now they are repaired . Go Dan ! While he was gone , I cleaned up the dirt and leaves from the access area to the crawlspace , where the deteriorating wooden box was , swept out and moved things around in the garage for the big boat to go into , and the semi truck backed down our road to deliver the 286 pound " portable shelter " - - treated fabric over a steel frame - - that we will be assembling . I opened the boxes and found the assembly instructions while he finished his electrical project . We wanted to get the speedboat out today , but I wanted to take a boat ride first , and he wanted to get the shelter going . Before we did anything else , though , it was already after 1 o ' clock , and I fixed us some lunch . It was a beautiful blue sky day , with some clouds now and then , and mid 60 's . And a bit breezy . Our bay had whitecaps at times . I uncovered the boat while he familiarized himself with the pieces and parts of the boxes . We had a short ride , zooming around our half of the lake . It was so pretty out , but the wind was a little cool . I dropped Dan at our dock ; he took the van and the boat trailer to the launch and I enjoyed the boat ride down there . Surprisingly , the other half of the lake wasn 't as rough . I soaked up the sun while I waited . Dan backed the trailer into the water , I drove the boat on , and all went very well . Back at the JC , I got the boat backed down the driveway , and started on the cleaning project , using a product I had gotten last year , called Toon Bright . Spray on , wait , hose it off . Well , the hosing it off part didn 't remove the lake crud on the hull of the boat . But to my most pleasant surprise , witPosted by I did it . I got up at 0700 . I could have slept that last couple of hours or so , but I got up and got in the shower . After breakfast , I looked at the computer a bit , finished packing , loaded the car , and was on the road about 0915 . A safe trip up , thank you God , and Daniel was happy to see me . Sunny and 60 degrees at the lake . He was cleaning his jet boat , and we were planning to put it in the water today . We unloaded my car and I got unpacked as he finished up with the boat . We were just going out of the house , getting to the garage , when Tom and Kathy Sue came up . Perfect timing ! We found a jacket for Tom ( it 's cold out on the water ) and the 4 of us rode over to the boat launch . I was glad Tom was with us , being mechanical and all . We got the boat in the water , and the guys were off . It didn 't seem to be doing so well , but after a bit , they were in the next bay and on their way . KS and I went back to the JC to wait for them . At the dock , Tom and Dan putzed around with the motor for quite some time , and decided to put it back on the trailer . Back to the launch I went ; KS took their vehicle and went on her way . I met the guys there , and got the boat loaded up . Aha ! Weeds blocking the impeller ! Dan got under the trailer and removed the weeds , and wanted to try it again . So , back in the water it went . And it took off pretty good , and Dan decided he wanted it at the dock for the night . Ok . . . It was my turn to drive the boat . Tom went with me , and Dan took the van and trailer back to the JC . It 's a fun little boat . I dropped Tom at his in - law 's , where he was meeting KS , and I went back to the JC . Dan took the boat out for some fun , but it wouldn 't go again . He put on his wetsuit ( ! ) and goggles and went under the boat , removing the weeds again . Then he went out for some fun . And the engine quit . But he thinks he ran out of gas , because he flipped over to the reserve tank and it ran . Ok . Back to the dock . It was time for the insulation guy to arrive . He did . Mike started by accessing the crawlspace and looking in there . We talkPosted by It 's just a little odd to get up in the morning and Daniel not be here . But it kind of reminded me of the first two winters we spent not - together - - he went to Florida for a couple three months , and we would fly either south or north , and ended up seeing each other every few weeks . That was BC - - Before Cancer . And the Cancer Planet had a strong gravitational pull that kept us together . The Cardiology Planet that Daniel is riding on has a strong gravitational pull , too . Thank you God we are both as well as we are at this point in time . A safe drive to Jackson , thanks again , and I had a fairly good day , other than having to stay the entire shift . I was hoping to leave early so that I could go up to the lake tonight . But since I wasn 't able to leave early , I 'm not going up tonight . Dan and I had a phone conversation instead . I 've felt pretty good today . A little headache in the afternoon , and a bit of wrist discomfort . In the morning I just need to add the daily things to my bag , as well as the perishable stuff in the fridge into the cooler . Thank you for reading . Hugs . It didn 't seem like I slept much during the night , being awake and uncomfortable . I was surprised when Dan said he hadn 't slept much - - he was snoring most of the night . . . We both got up for work this morning . A safe drive down , thank you God , and the first 2 / 3 of the day were pretty good . The last couple hours blew up , and we left the oncoming shift set to take on the new influx of patients that will be coming their way . A safe drive home , thanks again , in a very light drizzle that wanted to be rain . Daniel made it to the JC , saying everything was fine there . I 'm enjoying the quiet house , hoping to be able to join him tomorrow evening . But staffing may be an issue , and I may finish out the shift instead of leaving after the meeting stuff . I 'll make that decision tomorrow . My wrists were annoyingly uncomfortable today . When I finally had the opportunity to sit down and eat , I reached for my afternoon meds and found that I hadn 't taken the morning motrin . Hm , no wonder I was uncomfortable . . . Silly me . I 'm going to enjoy my quiet evening . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I love being able to sleep in the morning , waking when I 'm rested . Which , today , was just before nine . Of course , it 's all interrupted sleep . Dan had gone to work this morning . I got up and breakfasted , made a grocery list , and headed out for the couple of errands I needed to do . I got back about 1 pm . First thing , I started dinner , putting a cut up chunk of meat in the crock of the crockpot . Mine doesn 't have any metal on it , and it fits in the microwave . I put it in the microwave to " get started " , and ended up having in there about a half hour before transferring it to the heating element . Then I made a batch of oatmeal cookies to take up to the lake with us . Dan is going up tomorrow , and I 'm going up Tuesday . We had a most wonderful supper , with mashed potatoes and corn and gravy from the ' pot . The meat was nicely tender . I cleaned up the kitchen , and the evening went on . Daniel went to bed , and I will be , too . My wrist has been bothersome when the motrin wears off , and the new spot on the left wrist has been sore intermittently , too . Please let that go away . . . I 'm still happy to be alive and cancer free . I 'd like as little side - effect baggage as possible . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept pretty good , a typical , interrupted sleep . Dan got up and went to work , while I listened to the radio a bit before going back to sleep , finally waking shortly after 9 . Ahh . I got up and sorted the laundry , starting the first load before having breakfast . I ate , then got ready to go to Jackson for my haircut . Lauretta did a wonderful job , as always , and I came back home . A safe trip both ways , thank you God . I showered to get the little snippets of hair off . Dan called to say he was on the way home , and I started dinner . We ate and had a quiet evening . Tomorrow is a workday for Dan ; I 'm going to the pharmacy and also stop at Meijer . My wrist was quite bothersome this afternoon , which felt better after motrin , but my left wrist has a curiously sore area . I hope it isn 't a new site of this tendonitis . . . The incisions have been itching the last few days , too . I don 't know . . . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Another workday , thank you God . Frank came to the hospital , picked up my car and took it to Discount Tire today for them to check and balance the tires . It was good to see him , and I appreciate that he took the time to run my car around . ( They said the front tires were " cupped " and would wear down some and the road noise would reduce . The road noise is a little less , maybe they changed the inflation ? And there is less vibration from the front end . ) Anyway , a safe drive home , thanks again , in the wind and the change of temperature . From 76 degrees this morning on the way down , to 62 degrees on the way home . Dan and I visited some before he fell asleep in the chair . I wrote here and am about falling asleep myself . I 've felt pretty good today , overall . The motrin has kept the joint discomfort to a minimum level . Tomorrow is a haircut at noon . Thank you for reading . Hugs . The phone rang at 0440 . I was kind of awake anyway with joint discomfort in my hips and knees . What 's that about . . . ? I sure hope the tendonitis from the aromatase inhibitor isn 't travelling . Anyway , they needed help at the hospital . I told her no , because I had a three hour meeting this morning that I was going to , then errands afterward while I was in Jackson . I laid there for a few minutes , thinking that I could go in until 0900 . I called back to tell them , and got up . A safe drive down , thank you God . Both units were full with only a couple beds available . I went around and did all the blood pressures , etc . , answering questions , and charting . That took me almost to 0900 . Other staff had talked to me about their concerns to take to the meeting , so that worked well . I did the errands I wanted to do and came home and it was time to start dinner . We ate when Dan got home . I cleaned up the kitchen , and we had a quiet evening . Tomorrow is a workday for both of us . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Dan got up and went to work , I went back to sleep , getting up shortly after 9 . After breakfast I enjoyed a shower and got ready for the day . I went over to the pharmacy to pick up Dan 's prescriptions , then over to the library . He had called saying he was leaving early and was on his way home . We enjoyed supper at Los Tres Amigos , and it wasn 't but a couple hours after we were home that he went off to bed . I 've enjoyed my quiet evening . Tomorrow he works , and I have a morning meeting in Jackson . My wrist has been bothersome today , even with the motrin . Guess I 'll use the tylenol , too , if it continues be sore . Thank you for reading . Hugs . A short sleep night , with the radio coming on at 0423 . Ugh . A safe drive to work , thank you God , in starry darkness , with an occasional fragrance of fresh skunk . At least 3 patches of skunk . The workday was better today . 3 RNs and 2 LPNs to start , and another RN called in to help . It was almost non - stop until late afternoon again . We had a great team and got through the day . I even clocked out on time . A safe drive home , thanks again . Dan and I caught up on our day , he went off to bed , and I wrote here . My wrist is acting up tonight , sore and swollen . I 'd be more comfortable with another dose of medication . . . Tomorrow is a rest day for me ; Dan has to work . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Ugh . It was a very busy work day for me . I have to thank co - worker Christine T for changing into scrubs and helping me throughout the day . We all worked together - - that 's why we 're a team . . . . I felt pretty good mostly , and when I realized that my hips and feet were more sore than they had been , it was way past motrin time . Down the hatch ! I finished the shift , clocked out a half hour late , and drove home . Dan and I visited some , looked a television a bit , and he 's gone off to bed . Me too , shortly . Tomorrow is a workday for both of us . Thank you for reading . Hugs . When I first saw the lake this morning , it was " steaming " - - I thought at first that it was a gloomy heavy overcast gray . But the sky was clear with the sun just coming up . I heard the ducks and the loons and went back to sleep , waking again about 9 , and it was bright sunshine out there . Woo Hoo ! ! I ended up taking a lovely paddleboat ride out into the eurasion milfoil , that 's not laying on the surface of the lake any more . It 's probably " seasonal " , as most plants die back . Let 's hope that the weevils have done a super job and are making their way to shore to overwinter for next season . I got myself ready to go home , and checked the chipmunk bucket one last time . Hey , I got one ! And as I was going into the garage , there was another one by the garage door . So when I go up again I 'll put the bucket out again , and hope to catch that one . That makes a total of 16 , just around the house . The weather was a beautiful 65 degrees ; I really hated to leave . But I did , about 6 : 30 , and had a safe drive home , thank you God . Daniel helped me carry things in , and we visited a bit before he went off to bed . Tomorrow is a work day for both of us . I 've felt pretty good today , other than my wrist making itself known . I could have added tylenol for increased comfort today . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I saw daybreak over the water , and it looked like a front was moving in . It was mirror quiet , with a blue - gray sky . I woke again about 8 , and yes , it did look like rain moving in . I heard rain , and was surprised that it was after 9 . I laid there and listened to the squirrel in the trees and the loons on the lake . So beautiful . After breakfast , Bob from next door came over , returning the board that we had used to move his dog , Gabby , yesterday . When I asked about her , he said that she had a real bad night , with lots more bleeding , and they took her to the vet this morning for her trip to heaven . So hard . On a lighter note , the rain had stopped after a few hours , and it was trying to break up . Temps were mid 50 's today . I assembled the pub table and stools ; that went real well . I like that they sit up higher and now I can see the lake when sitting out there . One of my friends / co - workers had invited me to Whittemore Speedway - - her man is an owner / driver , some kind of modified car . So I went down there and spent the evening at the races . It was kind of fun . Noisy , and there were lots of " incidents " where the cars spun out or went off the track around the corners , delaying each of the races . I finally left about 10 : 30 , after their racing was done . The last race was still running , but I was getting tired and chilled . Tomorrow I have to go home . Boo . My shoulders are a bit sore from moving all that stuff in the shed yesterday , and my wrist hasn 't been to friendly when the motrin wears off . Thank you for reading . Hugs . It 's so beautiful here . I slept at intervals and got up about 9 . Breakfast , and I tried to light the furnace to take the chill off the air . After a couple hours , I decided that this was not a properly functioning furnace and I would call the company that came out earlier , in January . I did , and the lady said that there were 2 other calls ahead of me , and could Steve come by later this afternoon ? Ok , thank you . I went outdoors to catch up on chores out there . I ended up in the shed , which turned into an all afternoon project of clearing it out , sorting stuff , sweeping it out , walls included , then putting it all back in . I hope it 's a little more organized . I was just about finished sweeping it out when Steve from CPH came in . He was the guy who worked on it the first time . He was real surprised at what it was doing , and he thinks the piece he put on in January isn 't working any more . He did something to the ? controls ? settings so that it works , until the new part comes in . And , it was a No Charge call . Woo Hoo ! I finished the shed close to 7 , and I needed to eat . Dan called while I was fixing my food ; that was nice . After dinner and dishes , I showered . Ugh , I was really dirty . I wrote here , and might read for a bit . I 'm a little stiff and sore , and hoping to feel better in the morning . While I was out in the shed , Bob came over . He was needing help , I think . He saw a piece of plywood and asked to borrow it . " Sure , what for ? " I asked . It seems his old dog Gabby is ailing from age and a bad hip , so much so that he and Evelyn loaded her into the van and took her to the Vet . She wasn 't going to get up to get out of the van . Well , she couldn 't stand up by herself . And she weights 118 pounds . We put the plywood against the back of the van , and they had a length of fabric they were using as a sling under her lower abdomen / hips . Between the three of us , we lifted / scooted / slid her down the board onto the ground , then helped stabilize and lift her to her feet . She had difficulty at first , but got her bearings and wobbled up to the hoPosted by I slept pretty good at intervals , getting up before 9 . Daniel had gone to work , and I was glad to have the day to spend at home before going to the lake for 3 days . And , it was raining . I enjoyed my shower , then ended up doing 2 loads of laundry , repacked my suitcase , prepared 2 meals and cleaned up , and was about ready to go when Dan got home . We enjoyed a yummy supper together , and he carried my things downstairs for me while I finished the kitchen . What a guy ! ! I was on my way in a gloomy drizzle about 5 pm . As I was on the freeway and thinking about the route and that I would need to fill up about halfway there , I wondered if T & KS would be home and I could visit and see their kitchen project ? I called KS , and I ended up having a nice visit . Their kitchen cupboard replacement project is coming along beautifully . Tom is a good measurer , and he is taking the time to install them properly . Good Job , Tom , and Good Job KS ! ! You have selected a very nice " look " . Back on the highway , and a stop to refuel , I arrived at the JC about 9 : 30 . Cool low 50 's with a light breeze and intermittent drizzle . It 's so nice to be here . The lights reflecting off the lake , and the sounds of the water . Not sure what I 'm going to do tomorrow . Maybe take a walk in the sun . . . Wanna join me ? Thank you for reading . Hugs . I got up for work after a typical interrupted night . These last few nights , though , I feel that the 1 and a half to 2 hour blocks of sleep I do get are a restful sleep . A safe drive down , in starry darkness of morning now . And smelly skunks . We had a good day , and it was almost " just right " , other than the last 3 hours . I should have had a bite to eat , but didn 't , and was solid busy until 7 : 15 when I clocked out . It wasn 't unpleasant ; just " task - y " . And I felt like I needed a little something to eat . But I didn 't have the opportunity to have something decent . Another reason to love being a nurse . A safe drive home , well into dusk . I saw 3 dead skunks on the road ; 2 were on the shoulder of the road , and the other was on the white line . Funny how they weren 't in the middle , or in the tire track areas . Dan was home working on the computer upstairs . Something about the printer . My computer seems to be ok now . The last couple of days I 've been stretching out the interval between the motrin . I was doing real well , until yesterday . Last night , I had forgotten to take it until 10 pm or so , and I waited this morning until maybe 9 o ' clock . And since I didn 't eat again after 3 while at work , I hadn 't had another one . So , as I was looking at email and such , my wrist is swollen and sore again . I took the pill , and will need to keep track of time and food , so I can take the motrin in a timely manner . Tomorrow I 've got a couple loads of laundry to do , and I 'm planning on going to the lake tomorrow late afternoon for the weekend . Dan works , but has Saturday and Sunday off . He 's gone to bed , and I 'm about ready . Life is good . Thank you God . And thank you for reading . Hugs . My better sleep is after 0400 . Dan 's alarm sounded and he got up - - the next time I woke it was after 6 and he was long gone . I asked him tonight why he didn 't kiss me goodbye . His response was that I was so sound asleep he didn 't want to disturb me . I finally got up just after 9 . It was a beautiful blue sky day today , temps in the high 60 's which felt a lot warmer . I made a grocery list and put a couple loads of laundry through the washer and dryer . Soon it was time to go for my Reflexology appointment with Leah . On my way out , I saw the maintenence guy , Jerry , working on the damaged lights . I went over to chat with him , then went back to get the list of damages to show him . He hadn 't known about 2 of the fixtures , which makes me happy that I went over to talk to him . Leah did a great job , as always . It 's interesting how the reflexology process is . Actually , I marvel at how the ancients discovered and developed the science / art of it . I stopped at home to pick up my grocery bags and list , then went over to Meijer . After getting the items of the list , the next stop was the pharmacy for Dan 's prescription . Back at home , I put groceries away and started food prep , first being an apple muffin recipe that I had found in a magazine . I put the batter in a pan , though , instead of muffins . They turned out to be very nice looking . I haven 't cut them yet . I had planned dinner for Dan and me , being chicken , mashed potatoes , and cauliflower , with dessert being strawberry shortcake . It was very good , and Dan was surprised that we had dessert . I told him I had planned the meal so that the dessert carbs were included . He smiled . Of course , he wasn 't awake much after that . I finished cleaning up the kitchen , and wrote here . Tomorrow is a workday for both of us . I 'm feeling pretty good today . In fact , I had not taken a second dose of motrin until after dinner . Woo Hoo ! ! I 'm off to bed . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Dan 's alarm came on and he got up . I watched him get out of bed . Next awareness I had was that it was 0625 . Huh ? I wonder if he kissed me goodbye - - I was sleeping , I guess . I finally got up about 0830 . Breakfast , shower . Then over to Leah 's for a massage . She does such a good job . Frank was at the house when I got back . Dan had asked me to call for " backup " because he was frustrated with trying to get this computer cleared up . Frank was able to get it working again , and before he left for work , instructed me on what to do next . I was able to do all that , and started another virus scan before I went down to Jackson for a meeting . It was a good meeting , and afterwards I was to meet a ( former ) co - worker for dinner . The hostess took my name , I told her I was meeting someone , I looked around the restaurant , and got seated . My friend didn 't show . I left about a half hour later . I only had her home phone number , and I had called and left a message . Back home , Dan was trying to stay awake in his chair . He had started a second scan on the computer that I use . The first scan showed 1 corrupt file , and this second scan was zero " threats " . I hope it 's true . . . And my friend called . She had been in the restaurant when I was ; we had been seated in different areas of the restaurant at about the same time . The hostess had my name and hers , but somehow we didn 't connect . Anyway , we made a date for next month . Dan has gone to bed , I have my computer back , thank you Frank , and my neck and shoulders feel mahvelous . Thank you Leah . I see her again tomorrow for a reflexology treatment . Maybe that will help my wrist . . . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I had a couple of blocks of sleep , which was nice . And then it was time to get up . Ugh . A safe drive down , thank you , God . We had a much better work day , and a great crew . Near the end of the shift , Frank stopped in to visit . It was good to see him . A safe drive home , thanks again , and Daniel is working on the computer again . It will be interesting to see what he will end up doing with it . . Tomorrow he works ; I have a massage , a unit meeting , and dinner with a friend . Ahh . Other being a little tired today , I 've felt pretty good . Sore wrist when the motrin wears off . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I was just getting on the public bus , wrestling with the cross country skis and poles , which I had not banded together , when the radio came on . Boy am I glad I woke up from that dream . I got up and ready for work . A safe drive down in the dark starry morning . I parked and walked over to the hospital . We had an oddly busy day , with an unusual situation that none of us had ever experienced before . The 12 1 / 2 hours finally passed , and I drove home in the wet , misty , foggy , 52 degree dusk . Dan was home , and had been working on the computer most of the afternoon . I 'm not sure what 's going on with it . He 's still fooling around with it this evening . Tomorrow is another workday for both of us . I 've been feeling pretty good today , though my wrist was sore when the motrin wore off . Better living through chemistry . . . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Hot again throughout the night , and interrupted sleep . Dan and I both were awake at 0830 . His friend arrived , and they left to go golfing . I had breakfast , enjoying the morning , putzing around doing little things . After a while I went out for a walk , taking the list I had made of the vandalism damage with me . Unfortunately , no repairs have been done yet . I ended up at the clubhouse , where I went in to talk with the folks in the office about the vandalism . They were finishing lunch ( at 3 o ' clock ) , and I asked if I could talk about the " recent events in the community " , not knowing if they were all employees . They were , and were interested to hear and see my map . There was also damage to other properties as well . After listening to my story , they agreed about the " fun " of the vandalism , and , though they couldn 't say as much , I think they have a good idea who the two teens are . They just need the concrete proof . I continued on my way , enjoying the beautiful sunny afternoon with a light breeze . I was hungry again and fixed my supper . Dan got back after I had cleaned up . We spent the rest of the evening chasing the elusive virus on my computer . I hope we 're able to keep it from sending out any more of those medrx emails . Annoying and embarrassing and frustrating . Dan 's brother Bradley had surgery today for an odd blockage near a kidney , and the initial pathology is malignant . I 'm sure the tumor will be identified and a plan of treatment will be forthcoming within a few days . Please keep Brad and family in your prayers . My wrist was a bit better again today , and I 'm thankful for that . Tomorrow is a workday for both of us . And I thank you for reading . Hugs . I woke frequently , hot each time . I 'd look over at Daniel - - down in the blankets . Hm . He 's often half uncovered , so it must not be warm in the bedroom . Sometimes I got up to cool off , and sometimes I just uncovered and waited 15 - 20 minutes , then I would get chilly . Covered up , and back to sleep . Dan got up about 8 : 30 , and I didn 't go back to sleep . I got up , instead , and had breakfast and a lovely shower . He had gone to Jackson to pick up a jet boat . Yep . He decided he wanted one and went online and found one . It 's a 1995 Sea Doo , twin jet , 14 ' 6 " . That 's about all I know about it . A friend let us use his Envoy , and we took it up to the lake today and put it in the garage . Ate at Big Bob 's in Hale , then back home by 9 pm . That 's a lot of sitting . We both did some stretching , looked at our computers , and he 's gone off to bed . He 's golfing tomorrow . No plans for me . I 've been feeling pretty good today - - a little tired yet , and my wrist was sore when the motrin wore off . But I 'm doing pretty good . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I was sleeping when I began to hear something . The radio . And it had been on for a few minutes before I heard it . Ugh . Time to get up . . . A safe drive to Jackson , thank you God , in the dark . Stars ahead , above , and around me , while in the rearview mirror is just the dark gray edge of the dawn over the horizon . It won 't be long and we 'll be moles again , traveling to and from work in the dark . Another Ugh . I had a pretty good day today , with , of course , the best co - workers . We were busy , but had enough help , which makes a nice difference . The day went on and we could finally leave . A safe drive home , thanks again . Dan was home and has spent the afternoon removing the malware virus from my computer . If you have received an email from me no Subject line , don 't open the link in the message . Sorry if you received something from my computer . . . He has gone off to bed , and I 'm not far away . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I didn 't like being awake during the night . I found myself trying to listen to " outside " noises , and having to conscientiously ( there 's a scrabble word ) tell myself that it was just kids , and probably won 't happen again . I 'm surprised at how that incident altered my awareness . The alarm came on for me to go to work . Hm . Been a long time - - since the first week of July - - that I 've worked a " regular " schedule . And now , I 'm " back at it " . A safe drive down in the dark , thank you God , and I parked and shuttled over to the hospital . We had a good day , with a good crew , and we were busy . One of the awarenesses I had was the dietary / meals / eating thing . I had breakfast at 0515 . I finally had an opportunity to have the grapefruit I had brought with me about 10 o ' clock . That didn 't last very long , and around 12 : 30 I went to the cafeteria and had a small piece of pizza . We were busy on the floor , and I knew that I wouldn 't be able to eat if I went back upstairs , so I stayed in the cafe and ate there , within 10 minutes . Ugh . And I was right . Back on the floor I jumped right back into what I had been doing . At 3 PM we had to open the overflow unit , cuz we had had so many babies that we had done flowed over . And I was told that I would be going over there with another nurse . So , I switched gears and got a new set of patients . Which was really ok . We 're all there to do what needs to be done . We had a good rest of the day , though I had been summoned back to the original wing a couple times to do what needed to be done . It was finally time to home . The night shift came in , I clocked out , and ate my supper that I had gotten down in the cafeteria . I ended up leaving the hospital about 7 : 30 . As I was walking across the road , a car stopped in the sidestreet to say hi to me . It was a former co - worker . She took me over to my car , and we visited a bit and made a lunch date . Looking forward to spending some time with her . I got home almost 9 pm . Dan came in not too long after . He took over my computer and started doing updates and scans and stuff to Posted by I slept my usual interupted sleep , and of course , the window was open . And I was hearing things . Like glass breaking . I thought it was kids busting a couple of bottles out there . And then I heard it raining . Dan 's alarm came on at 5 , and I heard the glass crashing again . I jumped up and looked out the window , heard another smash , and saw a couple of teenage boys come around the corner of the building across the street . Dan came to the window just in time to see the guys bust a window out . Doggone . I called 911 . Of course the guys were gone in the 10 minutes or so it took for the sheriff to arrive , but he did drive around and look , and when he saw the window busted out he called for backup . Dan spoke to the sheriff when he went out to his car , and he called me a few minutes later , saying that mailboxes had been knocked off in another area , and the sheriff was inside the clubhouse when he drove by . The backup arrived , who had a dog , and they did whatever they do , coming back to their vehicle after a half hour or so . Another cruiser came up , and I went back to bed . I did see that the owner had been notified and came downstairs . I woke just after 9 , hearing voices outside . I looked out and saw neighbors on the other end of that building out there sweeping . That 's when I saw that all the security lights on the garage over there had been busted out . Oh , that 's what I heard . . . They were finishing sweeping up when I had gotten dressed , so I went out to talk to them . ( I am , after all , nosy , but being the Condo Association President , I thought it was appropriate to find out what was going on . ) I walked around a couple of the buildings , and saw a couple more lights popped out . I wanted to get paper to write stuff down , so I went back in and had breakfast . When I was ready to go outside , though , it had started raining . Ugh . So I did a few loads of laundry , had a brief nap . It was after 3 , and the sun was coming out . I found a map of the buildings and went outdoors . To my surprise and disappointment , there were 4 of the 5 buildings tPosted by After a lovely week at the lake with my husband , I 'm home . It 's almost a " darn it " . But I like being " home " , too , although there 's nothing like being at The Lake . This morning was cool , mid 40 's , but the wind has died down and the skies have cleared . It was absolutely beautiful . I started collecting and gathering and packing my " stuff " as I went along this morning . I was having breakfast when Bob called asking for my trash , as he was going into town . Thanks , Bob . I took that over , went in and visited a bit with them , saying goodbyes for a couple of weeks . It took all afternoon , but I got the rest of the house cleaned . I had sorted the clothes I had left for the summer , but won 't need there now , checked the warmer clothes and decided to take them home to launder , as they aren 't smelling so " fresh " any more . I moved the car out from the garage to the back door and was sweeping the garage out when Polly and Jim came walking up the driveway . It was nice to see them . We visited a while , then watched as a pontoon full of guys , as well as a group that had come by road , got in the water and took out the boat lift . There were maybe 18 - 20 guys , from teens on up . It took about 15 minutes , and they were gone , moving on . This group does this every spring and fall , and they do several boat lifts while they are all together . Even with all that testosterone , they struggled to lift it over the seawall . Good job , guys . I had to get finished packing and on the road , though I really wanted to stay outside and enjoy the beautiful afternoon it was turning out to be . I bade farewell to J & P and returned to my project . I got mostly done , fixed food and ate , cleaned that up , loaded the car , and finally left about 5 : 30 , which was later than I had wanted , but it was a lovely drive anyway . And uneventful , thank you God . Dan was up and helped me unload the car . It didn 't take too long to unpack , and we had a nice evening together . Tomorrow he works , and I 'll be catching up on laundry . My wrist has been a little sore today , better than it has the previoPosted by I didn 't sleep much last night . Number one , the wind was blowing , and it unsettles me . Number two , Dan had gotten up maybe around 5 , during one of the few times I was sleeping , and didn 't come back to bed . I figured he was in the recliner , and when I got up a bit later , he was . All covered up , sleeping . I went back to bed and back to sleep , too . About 9 he came back to bed . We were dozing again , when I realized that it was Saturday . Dan confirmed that it was . I got up and got ready to go to the Lake Association meeting . It was a good meeting , to a standing room group . A couple hours later we were done . Back home , Dan and I were talking when T & KS came in to say goodbye , as they were packed and on their way back home . Boo . We had a brief visit and they went on their way . And not long after that , Jim and Polly came over . We had an enjoyable visit , and they left . It was almost 2 , when Dan had wanted to leave . We said our goodbyes and he went on his way , too . So now I have the house to myself again . I wandered around , picking things up and putting them away , some being moved around for the change of season . I vacuumed the front half of the house , getting that done . I had supper , talked to Daniel , who had a windy , rainy drive home , and did a yoga series . I wrote here . I 'm feeling pretty good overall , with my wrist still on the edge of being comfortable . Day by day . . . Tomorrow I leave . Without any time commitments tomorrow , I can do what I need to , leaving when I 'm ready . Ahh . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept pretty good again , thank you God , and was up before Daniel again . It was windy and cloudy and it rained some , I don 't think the temperature reached 70 today . Long pants for me , and a zippy sweatshirt when I went outside . Dan , though , went golfing with short pants and a jacket . He said he played well . I went outdoors to do some yardwork - - trimming / pruning , cutting back , picking up , etc . I was just about finished when he got back . We walked around the yard looking at the foundation , looking for trouble ? Or , just looking . And since I hadn 't eaten since breakfast , it was time to eat . We went into Hale , to Big Bob 's . That was yummy . Back at the JC , it sprinkled / rained some . The wind is swirling every which way , making odd patterns on the lake . We eventually watched a movie before he went off to bed . Dan has to leave tomorrow ; I 'm leaving Sunday . I 've felt pretty good today , overall . My wrist is still sore though , even with the motrin on board . I 'm hoping it will feel better before too long . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept pretty good again last night , thank you God . Dan woke me about 0915 saying he was going golfing . Oh , ok . . . I was stuck between sleep and wake , an odd feeling . I did wake more after 15 minutes or so , and got up for the day . I was starting my day when KS called to come to visit . Ok , give me about 20 minutes or so . . . She and Tom arrived while I was having breakfast , and we all sat around the table for a bit , conversing . That was nice . After a while , Tom went back , and Kathy stayed a little longer . Dan came home , happy and tired . I walked KS back to the GC . On the way back I visited with a couple of the neighbors along the way . And when I got back to the JC , I saw that another neighbor was here , and I had wanted to visit with her . I went in and talked with Dan a few minutes , and went back to visit with Janis , which was quite pleasant . The weather is overcast and trying to be cool and warm and humid . I ended up with long pants , sleeved shirt , and zip sweatshirt , which of course was off and on and off . Temps were probably about 70 with a breeze that picked up as the day went on . When I got back , Dan was sleeping . I made lunch and ate , and was reading when he got up . When it was suppertime , he wanted to go to Largent 's in LL . So we did . We had a good supper there , and it had started raining . We stopped at the GC on the way back , initially to watch a little television , and we did that as well as visited with KS & T who were back from " family day " with her parents . We finally left there before 9 , and when we got home , Dan looked some things up on the internet before going off to bed . I wrote here . The rain has stopped , and the temp is about 70 with a light breeze . Dan may golf again tomorrow , if the weather is fair . I 'm not sure what I 'm going to do . My wrist has been a little sore today , as well as some muscle " awareness " from skiing . It 's all good . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I stretched and did about an hour of yoga last night before going to bed . I slept a pretty good block , too , from 1230 - 0400 . Woo Hoo ! And after being awake for about a half hour , until close to 7 . Wow . I was even up and dressed before Daniel today . He didn 't get up until after 9 . It started out sunny and 80 degrees this morning , but the clouds moved in and it cooled to high 70 's . It sprinkled some , though not enough to get anything really wet . We were finishing breakfast when there was a knock at the door . It was Guy Cleveland , from Tru Exteriors , and his helper . There was a leak where the two roofs meet , which is of course above the door , and it 's not supposed to leak at all . It took them about 3 hours , but he caulked and put diverters up and ran water from the hose and did what he could . He 's quite sure he got his job right , but he thinks the existing roof / shingles are not 100 % . He explained it all to both Dan and me , and I asked him to send us an estimate to correct it . I don 't know how long we 're going to own this place , and that 's really irrelevant ; the roof needs to be right . We 'll see what his numbers are . We went into Hale after they left . We had a list of items that we didn 't get the other day , and we started by dropping the trash at the transfer station . On to the other stores , getting what we wanted , and back home again . Funny weather . Still high 70 's , and an occasional breeze would kick up , and feel a bit cooler . As the evening approached , it got very still again , and is still in the 70 's . I had walked to the GC after lunch , while Dan was watching a movie . I visited there for a bit , and got home just in time for the movie to be over . That worked well . He went to lay down , and ended up sleeping for 2 hours . I got supper ready and had started setting the table when he got up . We had a quiet evening . I wanted to have a fire , but with it so still , the bugs are out . I read a little more and wrote here . Maybe Dan will be able to golf tomorrow . I might go back to the Fish store . . . Surprisingly , I 'm not too sore todayPosted by |
The winter of 2012 wasn 't really the best time for me . I was practically homeless and at the time , I had just lost my job . My mom and sister had abandoned me for the second time and I had the horrible pleasure of staying with my father . At this time , I was still attending New Jersey City University and was being tormented at school after my break - up with my ex - boyfriend Charles . I hated stepping foot on campus and being asked questions about my ex and the rumors he had started about me . I started to have panic attacks and crying spells every day . One time , the panic attack had gotten so bad while I was walking to school . I stopped at Lincoln Park and sat by the Statue of Abraham Lincoln and cried . I could not understand what was happening to me . I felt like I was trapped inside my own head and I couldn 't get out of it . I had become a little more involved with Hudson Pride Connections Center at this time , thanks to Tyree . Tyree could talk me into doing anything for her and she did . I started hosting the open mic night over at the center and it quickly became a hit . I enjoyed watching the kids come in and sing , rap , and recite their poetry . I enjoyed entertaining as the host and talent filler . It was a lot of hard work putting the show together and figuring out music every time we did the show . I was always nervous , but by the time that music started and someone handed me the microphone , my energy level went up and my nerves disappeared . Through Hudson Pride Connections Center , I heard about a new center that was opening up for gay men in the city called Project L . O . L ( Live Out Loud ) It was a sister program for the Hyacinth AIDS foundation . When I was told that they were having their grand opening . I decided to go with some of the friends . Chris , Cain , and Raphael and I got together one night and decided to run to Project L . O . L to check out the scene . I was nervous . I told Chris that I did not like meeting new people because I never give off the best first impression . Gay men don 't always like me when they first meet me . I 've been told by many people when they first meet me , I come off as a snob and very stuck up . I always laugh that off . I have come to learn that everyone will have opinions of me and that is really how life is . My fear of people comes off snobbish . I 've been told by someone who attended the same church as I once attended , that I come off as " untouchable . " I somehow love the thought of being untouchable , it makes me feel superhuman . At Project L . O . L , which was once located on Communipaw Avenue near " the Junction . " The community room was laid out as a living room . I can still remember the sofas , coffee table , refrigerators , television . They had music playing and some snacks . I had seen two people there who I had already known . One of the guys who were starting the program was Quincy . I had known Quincy through Facebook . So I was very excited when I had met him there . My friend Chis and I had sat on the sofa where there were snacks laid out on the coffee table in front of us . There was a great turn out of guys . The men there were all rather young guys the community . Most of the guys there , I had never met before . That was the moment my life had changed . Every time the doorbell rung and I saw new people arrive , my stomach grew with the most uneasy , nervous feeling . I was really afraid of who might walk through that door . I didn 't want to have any kind of riff with anyone there ; I just wanted to have fun . But eventually , the bell rung and I saw him . He walked in wearing a black leather jacket , a cute scarf ; black Polo boots and a backpack . He was with two friends , a guy and a girl . My heart pounded . I wasn 't sure how old he was , but he was so adorable . Raphael had known him and introduced me . " Justice , this is my boo Tiger ! " Raphael claimed everyone as his boo . Tiger smiled and said hi . I nodded because I don 't think I could actually speak . Tiger and his friends Ashley and Brandon sat on the other side of Chris and me and talked . I have no clue what they were talking about , but I kept flipping my hair , ( this was my dreadlocks stage ) to sneak a peek at Tiger and Ashley . Ashley , as I remember her , was a gorgeous girl . I wondered if she had gotten the memo that this was an all boy party . Either way , that day , I was smitten by this skinny Spanish kid with a joker smile . His eyes lit up the room . It was the first time I had been in a room with someone who had as much presence as I had . I was enamored ! I kept going to Project L . O . L because I wanted to support them as a new program . I liked the thought of getting to know more people . I believed in the services they provided to the community of gay men . The programs and events were great and I decided to volunteer some time . I also got a chance to still a look at Tiger . Tiger and I didn 't really talk as much the first couple of time I visited the program . This is mostly because I was afraid of him . I know that sounds weird , but I will explain . I am terrible at approaching people and even when Tiger spoke to me , I was weird and tense because I did not know that to say to him . The guys in the program would always hang out and I started to become close to them , they were starting to become almost like a family to me . Every one of them had my phone number and they knew that they could call and text me at any time . I had started to be uncomfortably close with a kid named Robert . One day , when all of the guys left Project L . O . L , we had decided to walk to Hudson Pride Connections Center to see what was going on there . Barely anything happened there that night , but we stayed downstairs in the community room , dancing and playing music . When Robert sat me down in a chair and started to give me a lap dance . Someone started recording it on their phone . Robert at the time was 16 years old and cute as fuck . I felt a little weird about letting a 16 year old grind up on me and I was 25 years old . As bad as I felt , my dick reacted with a hard standing ovation . As Robert sat and wiggled on my lap , playfully , I caught a glimpse of Tiger and realized that he had a half smirk on his face . He would later tell me , that it made him a little jealous . " Yea , but Robert is a big boy , he will be okay . " Tiger said . " Are you coming back here ? " He asked me . I was taken aback that Tiger had even cared that I had left in the first place " Okay , I will see you in a little . " I hung up and was surprised that Tiger had called . Then I heard thunder and was happy that Robert was home . I had planned to beat the rain and luckily , by the time I had gotten to the program , Tiger was still there and the rain had just started to pour . I sat on the couch with Tiger as we talked to Brandon and Ashley . When we left I had ended up walking Tiger home . We spoke and we never addressed why he reacted the way he did to me walking Robert home . We sat on outside his apartment building for a while talking about life until I said goodnight . I walked back to my dad 's house beaming . I couldn 't believe this guy talked to me and actually showed me that he cared . But at this time , I was in denial to myself and a few of my friends when it came to what I felt about Tiger . I kept it a secret . I 'm not sure why I kept it a secret ; everyone knew that I was falling for him … Tiger knew this as well . As I became more involved with Project L . O . L , I started to help plan different events with the program . Tiger and I became CORE members and had a hand in planning different events , fundraisers , functions for the members at the program . Even though the CORE members were made up of nearly all the members of the program ; I remember countless nights of Tiger and I planning events on our own with details . I remember one night being up until 4 am with Tiger at our friend Greg 's ' apartment as the other members watched us plan and tired ourselves out . Tiger and I were stretched out on the floor until we finally passed out on top of each other and fell asleep . I had my share of Tiger obsessions , as I know now he also had a few obsession moments with me . I remember after Project L . O . L closed one day . Tiger had left the rest of the group to head off to class . Then he was attending Hudson County Community College in Journal Square . As soon as I noticed that he left , I said good bye to everyone and ran up Park Street from Communipaw headed towards Summit Ave to kind of follow him . I followed him to make sure he was safe . I didn 't catch up to Tiger until I had gotten to Summit and Montgomery . At first I didn 't want him to see me following him at first . I stayed far behind him and blasted my head phones listening to Jessica Simpson 's " Back to You . " I crossed the street and walked on the opposite side of the street to act like I didn 't see him . Then , I wanted him to see me . I wanted him to talk to me . So I took off running , knowing that he would see me running ahead of him . I was certain this would get his attention . Sure enough , it did . Then , I heard someone yelling behind me . " JUSTICE ! ! ! " I heard Tiger yelling behind me and running to catch up with me , but I kept running another block . Then I slowed down and took my phone out as if I was checking to see what time it was . Then I heard steps getting closer and louder . " Justice " I turned around and Tiger was behind me . He handed me eyeliner pencils . " You dropped these . " I had taken them out of my pocket and threw them behind me hoping that he 'd seen them and give them back to me . " I have a meeting with Monica at Hudson Pride Connections . " I lied . I didn 't have a meeting , but I had to say something . " I had forgotten all about it and now I 'm running late . I have to go over some ideas for the next open mic . " " I 'm going to school . " He said . We talked for the next couple of blocks about the open mic at Hudson Pride Connections Center . I told him that I enjoyed doing it and how much fun was every month . When I got to the center I told him I would see him later and he hugged me . My world seemed to have gotten brighter . It was possibly the best hug I had ever gotten at that time . I beamed . One of the functions that I had helped plan was the LGBT prom . The prom was a joint venture with Our Youth Organization . I wasn 't extremely thrilled about working with Our Youth because that meant that I would have to work with a former friend Robert DeAnthony . Robert used to be friends with my brother Kyle . Robert and I worked together for a little at Our Youth , but that turned sour after he realized that I didn 't want to have sex with him . I let Tiger take the lead on dealing with Robert . When it came to fining a date , I didn 't know who I was going to bring . Tiger had a boyfriend at the time . I thought that I would just go solo . " I was thinking of not going at all . " I told her . " But if I do go , I 'm going alone . I don 't have anyone to go with . " Ashley , Tiger and I were sitting on the floor at Project L . O . L working on decorations for the prom . The whole entire room was busy getting prepared for the prom . " That 's so funny , because Tiger doesn 't have a date either . " She said smiling at Tiger . Tiger looked at her and started laughing . " Oh okay ! " I said looking at Ashley and then looking at Tiger who was not trying to make eye contact , but Tiger kept looking at Ashley laughing . " Well , I don 't know if Tiger wants to go with me . " I said , hinting for Tiger to talk to me . He had been so vocal before . Today , for some reason , he didn 't really say anything . Of course , I had already realized that Ashley was put up to this . I knew it as soon as she mentioned that Tiger didn 't have anyone to go to the prom with . Truth is , Tiger could have gotten anyone at L . O . L to go with him to the prom , because everyone there had a crush on him . I was just in a state disbelief that he was asking me . " Well , I was going to ask you , but I thought you had a boyfriend . " Tiger said to me . At the time , everyone believed that I was dating my friend Chris . Chris and I were inseparable for reasons that I could explain , but I won 't . Let 's just say that Chris needed me at that time and I was being a friend to him . However , Chris and I were not romantically involved … Except for that one night that I refuse to ever talk about . " I would love to . " I smiled . " I wanted to go with him regardless of who asked who . I was just happy he had asked me , I sucked with rejection . Truth is , I had never been to a prom before . I never went to my high school prom because I couldn 't afford it . I had always dreamed of going to prom with the guy of my dreams . After Tiger asked me , I thought there was a good chance of this coming true ! Tiger and I agreed to attend both Project L . O . L and Hudson Pride Connections Proms together . I was ecstatic . Meanwhile , I was going through a lot emotionally at the time . As I mentioned before , I was staying with my father around the time that I had met Tiger . I hated staying with my dad so much than anyone would believe . There would be times when my dad was never at the house and when he finally decided to come home , I wasn 't supposed to be there . For instance , when I didn 't have a job , on weekdays I wasn 't allowed to be there while he was there . So during the winter when he was in the house resting , I had to get up at 6 or 7 in the morning and leave . Sometimes , I would go look for a job and other times I would walk down to my college and wait for my afternoon classes to begin . Many days , I slept in the University library . When I didn 't have money to eat , I would sometimes go to my grandmother house and hope that they would feed me . If not , I 'd starve the whole day . I couldn 't stay with my sister and her husband because they were on public assistance at the time . After a while , that didn 't seem to matter and I would stay the nights when I was really lonely . I remember when my dad hadn 't come home in about four days straight and I had gotten really hungry and finally went to my sister 's house to eat . That night I fell asleep on the couch . I didn 't want to walk to the other side of Jersey City . The walk from Neptune to Fairmount Avenue was a long trek . Honestly , I was feeling lonely . I was still depressed about not working and failing my classes due to my anxiety of going on campus . I cried myself to sleep most nights . I couldn 't stand to be alone with my own thoughts . I felt like I was trapped in my own head . I felt unwanted and unloved by everyone around me . I tried so hard to tell myself that this moment would pass , but I had time believing it myself . The fact remained . My mother had left , my sister had a life to live and I had a father who acted as if he had nothing to do with me . Worst of all , my father had a girlfriend who literally hated anyone who threatened to drive a hole between her and my father . I was never interested in doing anything like that . One day , I walked into the house and my father was sitting on his bed and showed me a picture of my ex and I . We had done a photo - shoot for World AIDS Day ! Around the time , Tyler Clementi had just committed suicide and it was making news . Tyler was known at my school by a few of my peers . As time went on , more LGBT youth were taking their own lives . I felt powerless . It sent me into s spiraling depression . I felt that there had to be something that I could do . So a few friends of mine got together and launched an online campaign . The pictures are the product of that . The photos could still be seen today on my Facebook and social media sites because I am very proud of it because it was my concept and it was executed perfectly . My father saw the pictures of me half naked posing with a man with words like faggot , cocksucker , homo etc . written all over my body . He thought it was disgusting . He was focused on the fact that I was in the arms of another man , nothing else mattered . " Because I put it online . " I laughed . But he wasn 't laughing . He didn 't think it was funny . I thought it was weird that I was 25 years old about to be shamed by my father . " You are naked in another man 's arms . " He said . " I 'm actually wearing pants , but you can 't see them . " I said to him . " And there were no females available for the shoot . " I joked " Don 't give me that art bullshit . " That comment pissed me off . This man hadn 't done anything for me my entire life . All that he 'd done is steal my childhood from me while he lived in a drug - hazed stupor from the time I was 7 years old until I was 16 . Yet , He thought he was going to tell me what to do . " I don 't want this shit in my house . " " I didn 't " He said his girlfriend found it on Facebook . I thought that was weird , because I wasn 't friends with her on Facebook and my page was private . My name on Facebook is not my birth name , so it would be hard to search me . It turns out that my father 's girlfriend searched my uncle 's page to find my page . She sent my father the pictures on me asking , " How well do you know your son ? " I was pissed off . That was around the time , I was seriously done with him . As much as I had love for my father , I never loved him . I hated my father my whole entire life . He never knew me well enough to love me and vice versa . Staying with him was hell for me , I thought that there was a hope that we could learn to love each other and get to know each other . That never really happened . After that one accident and there were many more incidents after that . I lost so much respect for him . I never took the pictures down , regardless of what he said about them . His girlfriend was really low for it , but she was a bitter bitch . So I didn 't care about her extremes of separating my dad and I . She didn 't anything to me , neither did my father . I just needed a place to stay . As I type these words and if they are published , the truth will remain . If he dies , I wouldn 't care . You can 't love or miss something you never had . Tiger 's birthday was coming up and I decided to surprise him with a small together at Project L . O . L . I got him a Carvel Ice Cream cake . He was a little surprised . Later that night , we all went to Hoboken for a party at Lana 's , which closed down and is now called Boa ! We had some fun and I danced a little . Afterwards , I was going back to my sister 's house because I had something to do the next morning with her . I usually spent the weekends with my sister and my niece and my clothes were already there . Plans changed quickly , and I had to roll with the punches . " I 'm headed to my sister 's house ; I 'm supposed to stay with her tonight . " I said . " Why wassup ? " I asked . " I was going to come home with you tonight ? " I smiled , I was a little confused . Tiger and I weren 't dating at this time . We had been spending time with each other . We hadn 't even kissed . So I knew sleeping with me wasn 't the plan that night . It so happens that Tiger hadn 't been home in a couple of days and needed a place to stay . This put me in a weird crisis mode . I called my sister and told her that I was on my way and that I was bringing Tiger with me . She was fine with it . Tiger and I started on our journey to my sister 's place . That 's when it started , that night I started to feel that I needed to protect Tiger and take care of him . As if , he was put in my life to help him . However , I still needed some help myself . That night , Tiger and I slept in the room together . I still remember how the moonlight came through the window and shined on his face as he lightly snored . I couldn 't do anything but look at him . He was so beautiful . It was such an amazing sight . Even now , it takes my breath away just thinking about it . I watched him while he slept Thoughts ran through my head . When my nerves usually get the best of me , I start to shake . I really couldn 't believe that Tiger was lying next to me . I wanted to hold Tiger , but couldn 't bring myself to do it . What if Tiger didn 't want me to touch him ? Surely Tiger would have said something if he wanted to be touched . There would be some sign somewhere . Tiger moved over closer to me and turned towards me . I was now face to face with Tiger . I looked at the moonlight on Tigers face and seen how beautiful his eyelashes were . My breathing started to get heavier and my heart started to pound in my chest . Tiger then opened his eyes and looked into my eyes . My heart started racing as Tiger started to move closer . There was simply no turning back as I reached my arm out to Tiger bringing him into my arms . I finally kissed him for the first time . I had dreamed of this very moment for the month and a half that I had been seeing Tiger . That moment was far beyond what I had ever imagined . Oh shit ! I kissed Tiger ! My thoughts kept saying over and over again . Tiger and I continued to kiss each other heavier and deeper ; I placed Tiger on top of me and Tiger let out a soft moan … I stopped myself and apologized to Tiger . I felt Tiger become a little hesitant about going further . " I 'm sorry " I said abruptly after I pulled myself away from him . " This is wrong , you have a boyfriend . " I said sitting up and sitting on side of the bed with my back turned my back to Tiger . I then picked up a pillow . " You sleep on the bed and I will take the floor . " " Because , if I sleep with you . I 'm going to continue to kiss you and I 'm going to want more . And we can 't do that . " Tiger looked at me . Almost confused but then agreeing with me . I wanted so badly to have sex with Tiger that night . I needed to make love to him . But I wanted him to love me . I couldn 't sleep with him . My thoughts wouldn 't allow me to . " You 're right . " Tiger said . I threw a blanket on the floor and wrapped myself in it . When morning came , I was sitting on the edge on the bed watching Tiger sleep . I knew that I was falling madly in love as I listened to Tiger snore lightly and watched his lips part . At that moment , I wanted to make sure that Tiger was forever protected . I wanted to make sure that no matter what happened between us ; Tiger was protected and that Tiger felt loved . Tiger woke up and looked at me and it took my breath away . " Hey . " Tiger said . " Hey . " I replied . " How did you sleep ? " I asked Tiger . Tiger yawned and stretched his little body . I smiled at the thought of how he stretched like a small kitten . " I really didn 't sleep . " I said . I hadn 't I was up all night trying to figure out how Tiger ended up here . How we ended up kissing . I thought about how I was going to try my best to protect him . I tried to figure out how I was going to take care of him . I tried to figure out if he wanted me to take care of him . So much about that boy confused me . " I 'm not surprised . You never sleep . ' Tiger smiled at me . That was the truth that everyone knew that I never slept . I started to get up and leave out the room . " Are you about to go out ? " Tiger asked . " Oh . Okay then . " Tiger said . I started to walk out . But I instead stayed in the room sitting on the bed . I was filled with nervous energy and my hands started to shake . I looked at Tiger and asked . " Yes . " Tiger turned over to face the wall as I got in the bed . I placed my body beside Tiger 's . I then placed my arm around Tiger and suddenly tapped Tigers tight stomach twice gesturing Tiger to move closer towards me . Like clockwork , Tigers body moved closer to me . I remember that was the first time I felt my heart pound and it felt like I had finally found someone who could possibly love me forever … We slept peacefully for a while . Darell Grant says : January 6 , 2015 at 5 : 47 am Wow ! Boy do i understand that ! I think some people truly dont know how to love |
I used to really hate school when I first started at Franklin High . I hated it so much the first year they called me the Bathroom Bomber . Other kids got elected G . O . President and class secretary and lab - squad captain , but I got elected the Bathroom Bomber . They called me that because I used to set off bombs in the bathroom . I set off twenty - three bombs before I didn 't feel like doing it anymore . The reason I never got caught was because I used to take a tin can ( that 's a firecracker , as if you didn 't know ) and mold a piece of clay around it so it 'd hold a candle attached to the fuse . One of those skinny little birthday candles . Then I 'd light the thing , and it 'd take about eight minutes before the fuse got lit . I always put the bombs in the first - floor boys ' john right behind one of the porcelain unmentionables where nobody could see it . Then I 'd go off to my next class . No matter where I was in the building I could hear the blast . If I got all involved , I 'd forget I had lit the bomb , and then even I 'd be surprised when it went off . Of course , I was never as surprised as the poor guys who were in the boys ' john on the first floor sneaking a cigarette , because the boys ' john is right next to the Dean 's office and a whole flock of gestapo would race in there and blame them . Sure they didn 't do it , but it 's pretty hard to say you 're innocent when you 're caught with a lungful of rich , mellow tobacco smoke . When the Dean catches you smoking , it really may be hazardous to your health . I smoke one with a recessed filter myself . After my bomb avocation , I became the organizer of the supercolossal fruit roll . You could only do this on Wednesdays because that was the only day they sold old apples in the cafeteria . Sick , undernourished , antique apples . They sold old oranges on Fridays , but they weren 't as good because they don 't make much noise when you roll them . But on Wednesdays when I knew there was going to be a substitute teaching one of the classes , I 'd pass the word at lunch and all the kids in that class would buy these scrawny apples . Then we 'd take them to class and wait for the right moment - like when the substitute was writing on the blackboard . You couldn 't depend on a substitute to write on the blackboard though , because usually they just told you to take a study period so they didn 't have to do any work and could just sit at the desk reading The New York Times . But you could depend on the substitute to be mildly retarded , so I 'd pick out the right moment and clear my throat quite loudly - which was the signal for everyone to get the apples out . Then I gave this phony sneeze that meant to hold them down near the floor . When I whistled , that was the signal to roll ' em . Did you ever hear a herd of buffalo stampeding ? Thirty - four scrawny , undernourished apples rolling up the aisles sound just like a herd of buffalo stampeding . Every one of the fruit rolls was successful , except for the time we had a retired postman for General Science 1H5 . We were supposed to study incandescent lamps , but he spent the period telling us about commemorative stamps . He was so enthusiastic about the old days at the P . O . I just didn 't have the heart to give the signals , and the kids were a little put out because they all got stuck with old apples . But I gave up all that kid stuff now that I 'm a sophomore . The only thing I do now that is faintly criminal is write on desks . Like right this minute I feel like writing something on the nice polished table here , and since the Cricket is down at the other end of the library showing some four - eyed dimwit how to use the encyclopedias , I 'm going to do it . I was a little annoyed at first since I was the one who suggested writing this thing because I couldn 't stand the miserable look on Lorraine 's face ever since the Pigman died . She looked a little bit like a Saint Bernard that just lost its keg , but since she agreed to work on this , she 's gotten a little livelier and more opinionated . One of her opinions is that I shouldn 't curse . She finally said I could curse if it was excruciatingly necessary by going like this @ # $ % . Now that isn 't too bad an idea because @ # $ % leaves it to the imagination and most people have a worse imagination than I have . So I figure I 'll go like @ # $ % if it 's a mild curse - like the kind you hear in the movies when everyone makes believe they 're morally violated but have really gotten the thrill of a lifetime . If it 's going to be a revolting curse , I 'll just put a three in front of it - like 3 @ # $ % - and then you 'll know it 's the raunchiest curse you can think of . Just now I 'd better explain why we call Miss Reillen the Cricket . Like I told you , she 's the librarian at Franklin and is letting us type this thing on her quiet typewriter , which isn 't quiet at all . But there aren 't many kids in seventh - period study because most of them cut it and the others get excused early because our school is overcrowded . It 's only kids like Lorraine and me that get stuck with seventh - period study because we have to stay around for an eighth - period class called Problems in American Democracy . And if you think having Problems in American Democracy is a fun way to end the day , you need a snug - fitting straitjacket . Anyway , Miss Reillen is a little on the fat side , but that doesn 't stop her from wearing these tight skirts which make her nylon stockings rub together when she walks so she makes this scraaaaaaatchy sound . That 's why the kids call her the Cricket . If she taught wood - shop or gym , nobody 'd really know she makes that sound - but she 's the librarian , and it 's so quiet you can hear every move she makes . I should never have let John write the first chapter because he always has to twist things subliminally . I am not panting , and I 'm not about to have a thrombosis . It 's just that some very strange things have happened to us during the last few months , and we feel we should write them down while they 're fresh in our minds . It 's got to be written now before John and I mature and repress the whole thing . John doesn 't really curse that much , and I don 't think he needs his system . But even when we were in Miss Stewart 's typing class , he had to do something unusual all the time - like type a letter in the shape of an hourglass . That 's the kind of thing he does . And as you probably suspected , the reason John gets away with all these things is because he 's extremely handsome . I hate to admit it , but he is . An ugly boy would have been sent to reform school by now . He 's six feet tall already , with sort of longish brown hair and blue eyes . He has these gigantic eyes that look right through you , especially if he 's in the middle of one of his fantastic everyday lies . And he drinks and smokes more than any boy I ever heard of . The analysts would call his family the source problem or say he drinks and smokes to assert his independence . I tried to explain to him how dangerous it was , particularly smoking , and even went to the trouble of finding a case history similar to his in a book by Sigmund Freud . I almost had him convinced that smoking was an infantile , destructive activity when he pointed out a picture of Freud smoking a cigar on the book 's cover . Another time I got my mother to bring home a pamphlet about smoking in which they showed lungs damaged from tobacco poisons . I even got her to borrow a book from a doctor , which had large color plates of lungs that had been eaten away by cancer . She 's a nurse and can get all those things . But nothing seems to have any impact on John , which I suppose brings us right back to his source problem . Actually , we both have families you wouldn 't believe , but I don 't particularly feel like going into it at the moment because I just ate lunch in the cafeteria . It was Swiss steak . That is , they called it Swiss steak . John called it filet of gorilla 's heart . Also , you 'll find out soon enough that John distorts - when he isn 't out - and - out lying . For example , in Problems in American Democracy the other day , Mr . Weiner asked him what kind of homes early American settlers lived in , and John said tree huts . Now John knows early American settlers didn 't live in tree huts , but he 'll do just about anything to stir up some excitement . And he really did set off those bombs when he was a freshman , which when you stop to consider sort of shows a pattern - an actual pattern . I think he used to distort things physically , and now he does it verbally more than any other way . I mean take the Cricket for instance . I mean Miss Reillen . She 's across the library watching me as I 'm typing this , and she 's smiling . You 'd think she knew I was defending her . She 's really a very nice woman , though it 's true her clothes are too tight , and her nylons do make this scraaaaaaatchy sound when she walks . But she isn 't trying to be sexy or anything . If you could see her , you 'd know that . She just outgrew her clothes . Maybe she doesn 't have any money to buy new ones or get the old ones let out . Who knows what kind of problems she has ? Maybe she 's got a sick mother at home like Miss Stewart , the typing teacher . I know Miss Stewart has a sick mother because she had me mark some typing papers illegally and drop them off at her house after school one day . And there was her sick mother - very thin and with this smile frozen on her face - right in the middle of the living room ! That was the strange part . Miss Stewart kept her mother in this bed right in the middle of the living room , and it almost made me cry . She made a little joke about it - how she kept her mother in the middle of the living room because she didn 't want her to think she was missing anything when people came to visit . Can you imagine keeping your sick mother in a bed right smack in the middle of the living room ? When I look at Miss Reillen I feel sorry . When I hear her walking I feel even more sorry for her because maybe she keeps her mother in a bed in the middle of the living room just like Miss Stewart . Who would want to marry a woman that keeps her sick mother in a bed right in the middle of the living room ? The one big difference between John and me , besides the fact that he 's a boy and I 'm a girl , is I have compassion . Not that he really doesn 't have any compassion , but he 'd be the last one on earth to show it . He pretends he doesn 't care about anything in the world , and he 's always ready with some outrageous remark , but if you ask me , any real hostility he has is directed against himself . The fact that I 'm his best friend shows he isn 't as insensitive to Homo sapiens as he makes believe he is , because you might as well know I 'm not exactly the most beautiful girl in the world . I 'm not Venus or Harlow . Just ask my mother . " You 're not a pretty girl , Lorraine , " she has been nice enough to inform me on a few occasions ( as if I didn 't remember the first time she ever said it ) , " but you don 't have to walk about stoop - shouldered and hunched . " At least once a day she fills me in on one more aspect of my public image - like " your hair would be better cut short because it 's too kinky , " and " you 're putting on too much weight , " and " you wear your clothes funny . " If I made a list of every comment she 's made about me , you 'd think I was a monstrosity . I may not be Miss America , but I am not the abominable snowwoman either . But as I was saying , it is a fact that John has compassion deep inside of him , which is the real reason we got involved with the Pigman . Maybe at first John thought of it all simply as a way of getting money for beer and cigarettes , but the second we met the old man , John changed , even though he won 't admit it . As a matter of fact , it was this very compassion that made John finally introduce himself to me and invite me for a beer in Moravian Cemetery . He always went to Moravian Cemetery to drink beer , which sounds a little crazy , but it isn 't if you explore his source problem a bit . Although I didn 't know John and his family until two years ago when I moved into the neighborhood , from what I 've been able to gather I think his father was a compulsive alcoholic . I 've spent hours trying to analyze the situation , and the closest I 've been able to come to a theory is that his father set a bad example at an age when John was impressionable . I think his father made it seem as though drinking alcoholic beverages was a sign of maturity . This particular sign of maturity ended up giving his father sclerosis of the liver , so he doesn 't drink anymore , but John does . I had moved into John 's neighborhood at the start of my freshman year , and he and a bunch of other kids used to wait for the same bus I did on the corner of Victory Boulevard and Eddy Street . I was in a severe state of depression the first few weeks because no one spoke to me . It wasn 't that I was expecting the boys to buzz around and ask me out , but I was sort of hoping that at least one of the girls would be friendly enough to borrow a hairpin or something . I stood on that corner day after day with all the kids , and nobody talked to me . I made believe I was interested in looking at the trees and houses and clouds and stray dogs and whatever - anything not to let on how lonesome I felt inside . Many of the houses were interesting as far as middle - class neighborhoods go . In fact , I suppose you 'd say it was a multi - class neighborhood because both the houses and the kids ranged from wrecks to rich . There 'd be a lovely brick home with a lot of land , and right next to it there 'd be a plain wooden house with a postage - stamp - sized lawn that needed cutting . The only thing that was completely high class was the trees . Large old trees lined most of the streets and had grown so tall and wide they almost touched . I loved looking at the trees more than anything at first , but after awhile even those started to depress me . I noticed him the very first day mainly because of his eyes . As I told you , he has these fantastic eyes that take in everything that 's going on , and whenever they came my way , I looked in the other direction . His eyes reminded me of a description of a gigantic Egyptian eye that was found in one of the pyramids I read about in a book on black magic . Somehow an archaeologist 's wife ended up with this huge stone eye in her bedroom , and in the middle of the night it exploded and a big cat started biting the archaeologist 's wife 's neck . When she put the lights on , the cat was gone . Only the pieces of the eye were scattered all over the floor . That 's what John 's eyes remind me of . I knew even from the first moment I saw him he had to be something special . Then one day John had to sit next to me on the bus because all the other seats were taken . He wasn 't sitting there for more than two minutes before he started laughing . Laughing right out loud , but not to anyone . I was so embarrassed I wanted to cry because I thought for sure he was laughing at me , and I turned my head all the way so the only thing I could see out the window of the bus was telephone poles going by . They call that paranoia . I knew that because some magazine did a whole article on mental disturbances , and after I read the symptoms of each of them , I realized I had all of them - but most of all I had paranoia . That 's when you think everybody 's making fun of you when they 're not . Some extremely advanced paranoiacs can 't even watch television because they think the canned laughter is about them . Freud would probably say it started with my mother picking on how I look all the time . But no matter how it started , I 've got to admit that when anyone looks at me I 'm sure they 're noticing how awful my hair is or I 'm too fat or my dress is funny . So I did think John was laughing at me , and it made me feel terrible , until finally - and the psychiatrists would say this was healthy - I began to get mad ! " Would you mind not laughing , " I said , " because people think I 'm sitting with a lunatic . " He jumped when I spoke to him , so I realized he wasn 't laughing at me . I don 't think he even knew I was there . " I 'm sorry , " he said . I just turned my head away and watched the telephone poles some more . Then I heard him whisper something under his breath , and it had just the tone of a first - class smart aleck . " Well , I wouldn 't go around bragging about it , " I said , and I was so nervous I dropped one of my books on the floor . I was mortified picking it up because it fell between the seat and the window , and I was sure I 'd look like an enormous cow bending over to get it . All I could think of at that moment was wishing one of his eyeballs would explode and a nice big cat would get at his neck , but I managed to get the book and sit straight up with this real annoyed look on my face . Then he started that laughing again . Very quietly at first , and boy , did it burn me ! And then I decided I was going to let out a little laugh , so I did . Then he laughed a little louder , and I laughed a little louder , and before I knew what was happening I couldn 't stand it , so I really started laughing , and he started laughing , and we laughed so much the whole bus thought we were out of our minds . Like Lorraine told you , I really am very handsome and do have fabulous eyes . But that doesn 't get me much , except perhaps with Miss King , this English teacher I 'm going to tell you about . I think she really goes for me the way she always laughs a little when she talks to me and says I 'm such a card . A card she calls me , which sounds ridiculous coming out of the mouth of an old - maid English teacher who 's practically fifty years old . I really hate it when a teacher has to show that she isn 't behind the times by using some expression which sounds so up - to - date you know for sure she 's behind the times . Besides , card really isn 't up - to - date anymore , which makes it even more annoying . In fact , the thing Lorraine and I liked best about the Pigman was that he didn 't go around saying we were cards or jazzy or cool or hip . He said we were delightful , and if there 's one way to show how much you 're not trying to make believe you 're not behind the times , it 's to go around saying people are delightful . I had forgotten that stuff about paranoia in that magazine Lorraine gave me to read about seven months ago . She 's always reading about eyes exploding and nutty people and beehives and things . The only part that impressed me out of the whole article was about the crazy lady in the sanitarium who hoarded food and sheets and towels and bathrobes - the one that used to wear all the bathrobes at one time . They said at one point she had hoarded 39 sheets , 42 towels , 93 English muffins - and she was wearing 8 bathrobes . Her big problem was she didn 't feel secure . So they let her pick out as much as she wanted , and she ended up with 320 towels , 2 , 633 sheets , and 9 , 000 English muffins . Nine thousand English muffins ! But that 's how it always is . Lorraine remembers the big words , and I remember the action . Which sort of makes sense when you stop to think that Lorraine is going to be a famous writer and I 'm going to be a great actor . Lorraine thinks she could be an actress , but I keep telling her she 'd have to be a character actress , which means playing washwomen on TV detective shows all the time . And I don 't mean that as a distortion , like she always says I do . If anyone distorts , it 's that mother of hers . The way her old lady talks you 'd think Lorraine needed internal plastic surgery and seventeen body braces , but if you ask me , all she needs is a little confidence . She 's got very interesting green eyes that scan like nervous radar - that is they used to until the Pigman died . Ever since then her eyes have become absolutely still , except when we work on this memorial epic . Her eyes come to life the second we talk about it . Her wanting to be a writer is part of it , I guess , but I think we 're both a little anxious to get all that happened in place and try to understand why we did the crazy things we did . But then we made up a new game in which the object was to keep a stranger talking on the phone as long as possible . At least twice a week we 'd meet for a telephone marathon . Wednesday afternoons we 'd have it at Dennis ' house because his mother goes shopping at the supermarket and his father doesn 't get home from work until after six P . M . , even when he 's sober . And on Sundays we 'd do it at Norton 's because his father plays golf and his mother is so retarded she doesn 't know what 's coming off anyway , but at least they didn 't mind if their kids used the house . Mine and Lorraine 's we can 't even go to . We couldn 't use the phone at Lorraine 's anyway because her mother doesn 't have unlimited service , and at my house my mother is a disinfectant fanatic . She would have gotten too nervous over all of us using her purified instrument . Another difficulty there is that my father , whom I warmly refer to as Bore , put a lock on our phone - one of those round locks you put in the first dialhole so you can 't dial . He put it on because of a little exchange we had when he called from work . Now it was just the way I said yeah that set him off , and that night when he got home , he just put the lock on the phone and didn 't say a word . But I 'm used to it . Bore and I have been having a lot of trouble communicating lately as it is , and sometimes I go a little crazy when I feel I 'm being picked on or not being trusted . That 's why I finally put airplane glue in the keyhole of the lock so nobody could use the telephone , key or no key . Anyway , the idea of the telephone marathon was you had to close your eyes and stick your finger on a number in the directory and then call it up to see how long you could keep whoever answered talking on the phone . I wasn 't too good at this because I used to burst out laughing . The only thing I could do that kept them talking awhile before they hung up was to tell them I was calling from TV Quiz and that they had won a prize . That was always good for three and a half minutes before they caught on . The longest anyone ever lasted was Dennis , because he picked out this old woman who lived alone and was desperate to talk to anyone . Dennis is really not very bright . In fact , he talks so slowly some people think he has brain damage . But he told this woman he had called her number because he had heard she gave good advice and his problem was that he was about to die from a hideous skin disease because a rat had bitten off his nose when he was a baby and the skin grafts didn 't take . He kept her on the phone for two hours and twenty - six minutes . That was the record ! Now Lorraine can blame all the other things on me , but she was the one who picked out the Pigman 's phone number . If you ask me , I think he would have died anyway . Maybe we speeded things up a little , but you really can 't say we murdered him . John told you about Dennis and Norton , but I don 't think he got across how really disturbed those two boys are . Norton has eyes like a mean mouse , and he 's the type of kid who thinks everyone 's trying to throw rusty beer cans at him . And he 's pretty big , even bigger than John , and the two of them hate each other . Actually , Norton is a social outcast . He 's been a social outcast since his freshman year in high school when he got caught stealing a bag of marshmallows from the supermarket . He never recovered from that because they put his name in the newspaper and mentioned that the entire loot was a bag of marshmallows , and ever since then everybody calls him The Marshmallow Kid . Anyway , he 's the one who started cheating in the telephone marathons we were having . After Dennis had rung up that staggering record about having his nose bitten off , Norton started getting smart , and when it was his turn to pick out a phone number , he 'd peek a little and try to make his finger land on a woman 's number rather than a man 's . You could always make a woman talk twice as long as a man . I used to ignore it because in his case it didn 't matter whom he spoke to on the phone . They all hung up . But this one time I decided to peek myself . When it was my turn , I made believe I had covered my eyes with my left hand , then thumbed through the pages , and as I moved my finger down a column I happened to spot the words " Howard Avenue . " Now , Howard Avenue is just a few blocks from where I live , so I could pretend I belonged to the Howard Avenue Civic League or some other fictitious philanthropy . " I didn 't call to speak with your wife , Mr . Pignati , " I assured him . I changed to a very British accent . " I distinctly called to speak to you and summon you to our cause . You see , my organization is interested in receiving small donations from people just like you - good - hearted people , Mr . Pignati - we depend on lovely people just like you and your wife - " " No … there 's nothing funny , Mr . Pignati … it 's just that one of the girls … here at the office has just told me a joke , and it was very funny . " I bit my tongue . " But back to serious business , Mr . Pignati . You asked the name of our charity - the name of it is - " " Shut up , " I said , covering the mouthpiece and then uncovering it . " The name of our charity is the L & J Fund , Mr . Pignati , and we 'd like to know if you 'd care to contribute to it ? It would really be a very nice gesture , Mr . Pignati . " " What was the joke the girl told you ? " he finally said . " I know a lot of jokes , but my wife 's the only one who laughs at them . Ha , ha . " There was something about his voice that made me feel sorry for him , and I began to wish I had never bothered him . He just went on talking and talking , and the receiver started to hurt my ear . By this time Dennis and Norton had gone into the living room and started to watch TV , but right where they could keep an eye on timing the phone call . John stayed next to me , pushing his ear close to the receiver every once in awhile , and I could see the wheels in his head spinning . He sounded like such a nice old man , but terribly lonely . He was just dying to talk . When he started another joke I looked at John 's face and began to realize it was he who had started me telling all these prevarications . John has made an art out of it . He prevaricates just for prevaricating 's sake . It 's what they call a compensation syndrome . His own life is so boring when measured against his daydreams that he can 't stand it , so he makes up things to pretend it 's exciting . Of course , when he gets caught in a lie , then he makes believe he was only telling the lie to make fun of whomever he was telling it to , but I think there 's more to it than meets the eye . He can get so involved in a fib that you can tell he believes it enough to enjoy it . Maybe that 's how all actors start . I don 't know . One time last term Miss King asked him what happened to the book report he was supposed to hand in on Johnny Tremain , and he told her that he had spilled some coffee on it the night before , and when the coffee dried , there was still sugar on the paper and so cockroaches ate the book report . You might also be interested in knowing that the only part of Johnny Tremain that John did end up reading was page forty - three - where the poor guy spills the molten metal on his hand and cripples it for life . That was the part he finally did his book report on - just page forty - three - and he got a ninety on it ! I only got eighty - five , and I read the whole thing . Of course , writing book reports is not exactly the kind of writing I want to do . I don 't want to report . I want to make things up . In a way I guess that 's lying too , except I think you can tell the real truth with that kind of lying . " Don 't be silly , " his mother told him and laughed it off with just the slightest bit of discomfort . His parents don 't know quite what to make of him because neither of them has the imagination he has , and in a way they sort of respect it . Actually , I think they 're a little frightened of it . But they 're just as bad as he is when it comes to lying , and that may be the real reason they can 't help John the way they should . From what I 've seen of them , they don 't seem to know what 's true and what isn 't true anymore . His father goes around bragging how he phonied up a car - insurance claim to get a hundred dollars to replace a piece of aluminum on their new car , which he had really replaced himself . Mrs . Conlan goes to the store and tells the clerk he forgot to give her Green Stamps the last time she was in , and she knows very well she 's lying . It 's a kind of subconscious , schizophrenic fibbing , if you ask me , and if those parents don 't have guilt complexes , I don 't know who has . I only hope I won 't be that kind of adult . " I didn 't think you did . I said , ' In many states a hunting license entitles you to one deer and no more . Just like a marriage license . ' Ha , ha , ha ! " " Let me talk to him , " John demanded , taking the phone right out of my hand . Just from the look in his eyes I knew what was going to happen . You just have to know how John does things , and you 'll know one thing will always happen . He 'll end up complicating everything . You have to know how demented Dennis and Norton are to understand that when I told them Angelo Pignati caught on Lorraine was a phony and hung up , they believed it . I could tell them I went alligator hunting in St . Patrick 's Cathedral last night , and they 'd believe it . I just didn 't want them to know Mr . Pignati had invited us over to his house the next day to give us the ten bucks for the L & J Fund . Especially Norton . If he knew about it , he 'd try to hustle in on the deal , and he 'd never stop at ten dollars . I didn 't want anyone really to take advantage of the old man . Some people might think that 's what I was doing , but not the way Norton would have . In fact , if Lorraine felt like saying one of us murdered Mr . Pignati , she should have blamed Norton . He 's the one who finally caused all the trouble . " No , no , no , " she said in her best grating voice , all the while shining the coffee table in our sparkling living room , which sparkles because nobody 's allowed to live in it . She 's got plastic covers on everything . I mean , I like my Mom and all that , but she runs around like a chicken with its head cut off . " What did I do ? " I yelled from the kitchen as I opened a Pepsi . Whenever she tells me to get a glass of milk , I feel like a Pepsi and vice versa . " It was a very mean thing to do . Your father tried to call his office this morning , and he couldn 't get the lock off . He couldn 't dial ! " I blame an awful lot of things on the ghost of Aunt Ahra because she died in our house when she was eighty - two years old . She was really my father 's mother 's sister , if you can figure that one out , and she had lived with us ever since the time she took a hot bath in her own apartment and couldn 't get out of the bathtub for three days . They found her when she finally managed to throw a bottle of shampoo through the bathroom window , and it splattered all over the side of a neighbor 's house . The neighbor thought it was the work of a juvenile delinquent at first , which is sort of funny if you think about it awhile . Well , that severed maternal relations for the afternoon , and I had no intention of waiting for Bore to come home . I decided to give Lorraine the signal to meet me , so I picked up the phone and tapped the connection button ten times , which is the same as dialing O . The keyhole of the lock was still expertly crammed with glue . " Lonely people need visitors , so … " I made believe I wanted to look at a new Chevy going by so she couldn 't see my eyes . " So it 's our duty to visit the lonely . " She sat down on the bus - stop bench , and I could see her biting her lip . She does that every once in awhile when she doesn 't know what to say . That 's when I know all I have to do is push her a little further and I 'll get what I want . When Angelo Pignati came to the door , I wish you could have seen him . He was in his late fifties and was pretty big , and he had a bit of a beer stomach . But the part that slaughtered me was this great big smile on his face . He looked so glad to see us I thought his eyes were going to twinkle out of his head . He would 've made one @ # $ % of a Santa Claus if you had put a white beard on him and stuck him on a street corner in December with a little whiskey on his breath . Well , actually I might as well tell you we were both scared stiff when he went into the kitchen . At first he seemed too nice to be for real , but when I looked at Lorraine and she looked at me , I could tell we both were thinking what we 'd do if Mr . Pignati came prancing out of the kitchen with a big knife in his hand . He could 've been some psycho with an electric carving knife who 'd dismember our bodies and wouldn 't get caught until our teeth clogged up the sewer or something like that . I mean , I thought of all those things , and I figured if he did come running out with a knife , I 'd grab hold of the ugly table lamp right next to me and bop him one on the skull . I mean , if you 're going to survive nowadays , you really have to think a bit ahead . " I just got back from the zoo , " he said , sitting in this armchair that seemed to swallow him up . I could see Lorraine looking all around , checking the dust in the corners and the pieces of electrical equipment that were scattered on one table . " I take a walk over to the zoo every day . My wife usually goes with me , but she 's in California visiting my sister . " " That 's why the place is such a mess , " he added , pointing to the electrical junk . " When she 's home , she makes me put all that away . I 'm a retired electrician , you know . " " Now you give me one , " he said excitedly , pointing at me . " And here 's a piece of paper and a pencil to write the words down . Just don 't let me see them . " Mr . Pignati sat forward in the seat , beaming . " Now I 'm going to repeat them back to you . Did you write them all down so you can check me ? Did you get them all down ? " He started . " Cockroach , lighthouse , stop sign , bird , dog , chair , eye , boy , couch , girl . Is that right ? Was I right ? " " You just make a mental picture . Like when Miss Truman said girl , I made a mental picture , and then when you said couch , all I had to do was make a mental picture of a couch and attach it to the girl . See , you 've got to attach the pictures in your mind . That 's the secret of remembering them all . Go ahead , you try it , Mr . - ? " Then Lorraine tried it , and it didn 't work too good with her . But if you ask me , that 's only because she was worrying about the old man . Besides , she had polished off her whole glass of wine . " Oh , I 'm sorry , " Mr . Pignati said , and I couldn 't help feeling sorry . His smile and bright eyes faded in front of us , and he got awkwardly to his feet . " Let me get the check , " he said , and his voice was so depressed I thought he was really going to cry . We watched him go down another hall to a room that had black curtains on the doorway . I mean , there was no door , just these curtains . He disappeared through them . When he finally came back out , he seemed to be very tired , and he started writing the check . " I always go to the zoo . " The old man laughed . " I love animals . My wife and I both love animals , but … I 've been going to the zoo by myself lately . I always go . Every day . " The room was dark because its two windows were covered with faded paper shades . It was a real dump except for the table and shelves at the far end of it . The table had pigs all over it . And the shelves had pigs all over them . There were pigs all over the place . It was ridiculous . I never saw so many pigs . I don 't mean the live kind ; these were phony pigs . There were glass pigs and clay pigs and marble pigs . " Touch them , " he told her . " Don 't be afraid to pick them up . " It was a big change from my mother who always lets out a screech if you go near anything , so I couldn 't help liking this old guy even if he was sort of weird . There were pigs that had Made in Japan on them . Some were from Germany and Austria and Switzerland . There were pigs from Russia and lots of pigs from Italy , naturally . There were little pigs and big pigs . Ugly ones and cute ones . There were blue , black , yellow , orange , striped , green , and rainbow - colored pigs . Pigs , pigs , pigs ! " This one , " he said , lifting a large white pig with an ugly smile on its face , " this one was the first one I got her . She thought it was very funny . Pig . Pignati . Do you get it ? " Right after we left the Pigman 's , John dragged me down to Tony 's Market , which is on the corner of Victory Boulevard and Cebra Avenue . All the kids go to Tony 's because he sells beer to anyone and for some reason the police leave him alone . John thinks he pays them off , but I think it 's just that old Tony has a nice , friendly face and believes in the old days when they thought a little alcohol was good for everyone . He 's sort of a father - image with a cultural lag . " What do you mean why ? " He raised his voice , which is typical when he needs to delay a second because he 's at a loss for his next distortion . " We owe him something after taking ten dollars from him , don 't we ? " I didn 't get home that night until after six thirty , and I was a little scared when I found my mother there . She 's a private nurse and was supposed to be working a four - to - twelve shift that night . I never have to worry about finding my father there because he left fifteen years ago when they got a legal separation , and then he died six years ago , which made it a more permanent separation . As it is , my mother 's enough to worry about . " I don 't care what all the kids do . I don 't want you in there . I 've seen those boys hanging around there , and they 've only got one thing on their minds . " I was glad to be able to get out to the kitchen because it makes me sad to watch my mother brush her hair . My mom is a very pretty woman when she has her long brown hair down , and when she smiles , which is hardly ever . She just doesn 't look the way she sounds , and I often wonder how she got this way . It 's not exactly easy being her daughter , and more than once I 've thought about what a good psychiatrist could do for her . Actually , I think her problems are so deep - rooted she 'd need three years of intensive psychoanalysis . " I don 't feel like eating anything . I had a few pieces of roast beef out of their refrigerator , and I brought home some canned goods I borrowed from the pantry . They 'll never miss them . The family has started fighting over his money already . I think there 's a can of turkey soup . Why don 't you have that ? " She came into the kitchen and opened a jar of instant coffee . I handed her this oversized coffee cup I gave her for her last birthday . It has " MOM " painted in huge letters on one side . She cried when she unwrapped it . " Here 's two dollars for your sophomore dues , " she said , putting the money down on the table . " That school thinks it 's easy for a woman to support a kid by herself - two dollars for this , five dollars for that … twenty - three bucks for a dental certificate ! I can 't even afford to get myself a pair of nylons . " She pulled her bathrobe up and moved so quickly toward me I thought she was going to hit me . " Look at them ! There 're so many runs you 'd think a cat chewed them . " " Solvies the undertaker . The family let me call Solvies , and they always slip me an extra ten for the business . How 's the turkey soup ? " " I heard Berdeen 's Funeral Parlor is slipping twenty under the table , so maybe I 'll give them a little business when the next one croaks . As soon as this one died I called the Nurses ' Registry , but they won 't have anything for me until the day after tomorrow . Another terminal cancer . " She sat down opposite me at the table and lifted the cup to her lips . I tried to keep my eyes on the big painted letters . The next day we cut school . That 's easy because this girl by the name of Deanna Deas is in love with John and she happens to work in the Dean 's office which gets the cut and absentee cards the teachers send down - if they happen to remember . So Deanna said she 'd fix it up so John and I wouldn 't get anything sent home , although I 'll bet she was sorry she wasn 't cutting with John . Somehow I don 't really think she was jealous . People just don 't get jealous of me . I 'm the type the boss 's wife would hire for her husband 's secretary . Deanna Deas is the type the boss 's wife would definitely not hire . She even bleaches her hair . John and I arrived around nine thirty and sat down on the benches at the entrance . The sea - lion pool is right there , and that kept John busy while I was combing my hair and polishing my Ben Franklin sunglasses . I don 't wear all crazy clothes , but I do like my Ben Franklin sunglasses because everyone looks at me when I wear them . I used to be afraid to have people look at me , but ever since I met John I seem to wear little things that make them look . He wears phony noses and moustaches and things like that . He 's even got a big pin that says " MY , YOU ' RE UGLY , " and he wears that once in awhile . I really didn 't want to go to the zoo . I don 't like seeing all those animals and birds and fish behind bars and glass just so a lot of people can stare at them . And I particularly hate the Baron Park Zoo because the attendants there are not intelligent . They really aren 't . The thing that made me stop going to the zoo a few years ago was the way one attendant fed the sea lions . He climbed up on the big diving platform in the middle of the pool and unimaginatively just dropped the fish into the water . I mean , if you 're going to feed sea lions , you 're not supposed to plop the food into the tank . You can tell by the expressions on their faces that the sea lions are saying things like " Don 't dump the fish in ! " If my mother had ever let me have a dog , I think it would have been the happiest dog on earth . I know just how the minds of animals work - just the kind of games they like to play . The closest I ever came to having a pet was an old mongrel that used to hang around the neighborhood . I thought there was nothing wrong with sitting on the front steps and petting him , but my mother called the ASPCA , and I know they killed him . " What 'll it be first ? Peanuts ? Soda ? The Snake Building ? " He sounded so excited you 'd have thought we had just landed on Venus . I should have just left there and then because I knew things were going to get involved . I realize now there were plenty of bad omens within the next few minutes . If I 'd had half a brain , I 'd have Pogo - sticked it right out of there . I mean , that 's how antagonistic she was . A real devoted antagonist . You could tell she hated kids - just hated them . I don 't know whether one of the requirements of dealing with kids is that you have to hate them to begin with , or whether working with kids makes you hate them , but one way or another it works out that way - except with people like the Cricket , and she doesn 't really know what we 're like . Then I was attacked by a peacock . This low - IQ peacock came tearing after me as soon as it heard me open my bag of peanuts . They let them run around loose at Baron Park Zoo , and this white one opened up all its feathers and started dancing in front of me and backing me up against a fence . The third omen that this was going to be a bad day was when we went into the nocturnal room of the Mammal Building . The whole room is pretty dark so you can see these animals that only come out at night , like owls and pottos and cute little vampire bats . I had never seen this nocturnal room before , and I almost went into shock when I got a look at the vampire bats . They had some explanatory pictures next to their glass cage that showed a couple of bats sucking the blood out of a horse 's neck while the horse was sleeping . But that wasn 't the part that was the third omen . I mean , that exhibit would have been there on any day . It was this child that I thought was an omen - a little kid about ten years old who was sitting right up on the railing and leaning against the glass of the bat cage . Only he wasn 't looking at the bats . He was looking at you when you came to look at the bats . And when I came up to the cage to see these ugly blood - sucking creatures , I had to look right into this little kid 's face that had a smirk on it . He made me feel as though I was a bat in a cage and he was on the outside looking in at me . It all made me very nervous . But Mr . Pignati just loved the nocturnal room , and the only one who loved it more was John . John likes things like king vultures and alligators . He was even excited in the snake house . As far as snakes go , I think once you 've seen one , you 've seen them all . So I let him and the Pigman go on running around while I took this snake quiz that was on a lighted sign . They had ten statements and you had to pick out which ones were false . I mean , it was not exactly a depth quiz . I was right on every one of them . Just in case you 're trying to take it , I won 't put down which of the statements are false until the end of this chapter . We stopped in front of a cage with bars , only about three feet from where we stood . Let me tell you , Bobo could have used a good spray deodorant . A little door was open at the back of the cage , and apparently Bobo was in the inner part where they get fed . At last Bobo decided to make an appearance . He was the ugliest , most vicious - looking baboon I 've ever seen in my life . I mean a real baboon . And there 's the Pigman , the smiling Pigman , leaning all the way over the guardrail , tossing peanuts to this mean baboon . Mr . Pignati would take a peanut , hold it up in the air , and say , " Bobo want a peanut ? " And Bobo would show these monstrous teeth that looked like dentures when they don 't quite fit , and the beast would grunt and swoon and move its head from side to side . " Uggga . Uggga ! " Mr . Pignati was throwing peanuts right and left . About every third one would hit the bars and fall where the baboon couldn 't reach it . Sometimes Bobo would catch the peanut like a baseball . And the expressions on both their faces got to be upsetting . John had gotten bored with Bobo and moved down to the next cage that had a gorilla . He was imitating Tarzan and going AaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaaH ! - which I don 't think was the most original performance that gorilla had ever seen . Can you imagine what gorillas must think after being in a zoo a few years and hearing practically every boy who comes to look at them go AaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaH ? If that isn 't enough to give an animal paranoia , I don 't know what is . " I 'm sure you will , " John added as we went out of the monkey house and got on this mechanical contraption that came by . It looked like a train , and it had five cars with rubber wheels because it didn 't run on a track . It only went about four miles an hour , and it 's a good thing because this blond - haired boy driving the thing looked like he didn 't quite know what he was doing . By that time we were almost back to the Primate Building , so we jumped off the tiny train and watched the alligators being fed . They were in a big outdoor pool , and two attendants were throwing huge chunks of meat and bone right at them . They ate the bones and all . It really made me feel like gagging . I mean , I just don 't see any point in having animals like that running around on earth . I think God goofed in that department , if you ask me . When we got back to Mr . Pignati , he had a fresh supply of peanuts and was still chucking them over to Bobo , who kept flashing his dentures at him . Then John decided to strike up a conversation with the gorilla . Only the gorilla started to make these terrifying noises , and John started to make believe he was a monkey and began screaming back at the gorilla . I joined in finally and got this pair of chimpanzees going . " Uggauggaboo " I told them , and they knew right away it was a game . I don 't happen to buy all of Lorraine 's stuff about omens . She talks about me distorting , but look at her . I mean , she thinks she can get away with her subliminal twists by calling them omens , but she doesn 't fool me . The only difference between her fibs and mine are that hers are eerie - she 's got a gift for saying things that make you anxious . I happen to have enjoyed that little trip to the zoo even if she didn 't . I think it was sort of nice that a baboon had a friend like Mr . Pignati . I 'd say that baboon was @ # $ % lucky . As a matter of fact , the way the Pigman was treating Lorraine and me you 'd have thought he liked us as much as Bobo . He bought me two cotton - candies - on - a - stick , one bag of peanuts , and a banana split at this homemade ice - cream palace . Lorraine got at least four bags of peanuts , one cherry ice - cream cone , and a black - and - white soda . If you let her , Lorraine would eat until she dropped , and if she keeps going at that rate , I 'm afraid she 's going to be somewhat more than voluptuous . She could end up just plain fat . Lorraine and I went to school the following day , and we didn 't get over to the Pigman 's until that night around seven o ' clock . That was because when we were heading over there at three thirty , we ran into Dennis and Norton who wanted to know where we were going . We made believe we weren 't going anywhere , so we had to go to the cemetery to have a beer with them . We drink at a special part of the cemetery called Masterson 's Tomb . That 's where all the famous Mastersons are buried , you know . It 's a fantastic place because they have acres and acres all for their own tomb , and it 's fenced in with a private road which they only open up when one of the Mastersons dies . But there is a hole in the fence at one place in the woods , and that 's where all the kids go through . The tomb is a great big marble building that 's set in the side of a hill so only the fancy front sticks out . The columns and everything are nice , but it 's all chained up , so we climb up the side of the hill and get on top by these two glass domes that let you peek down inside . You can 't actually see anything , but it sure makes you wonder . I think cemeteries are one of the loveliest places to be - if you 're not dead , of course . The hills and green grass and flowers are much nicer than what you get when you 're alive . Sometimes we go there at midnight and hide behind stones to scare the @ # $ % out of each other . Once I ran away from Lorraine and the others and hid in a part of the cemetery that didn 't have perpetual care . That 's the part where no one pays to keep the grass cut . I was just lying on my back , looking up at the stars , and I was so loaded I thought I could feel the spin of the earth . All those stars millions of light years away shining down on me - me glued to a minor planet spinning around its own gigantic sun . I stretched out and touched stone . I remember pulling my hands back to my sides , just keeping my eyes on the stars , concentrating on bringing them in and out of focus . " Is there anyone up there trying to talk to me ? Anybody up there ? " " Anybody down there ? " If I was lying on somebody 's grave , whoever it was would be six feet away . Maybe there had been a lot of erosion , and whoever it was was only five feet away … or four . Maybe the tombstone had sunk at the same rate as the erosion , and the body was only a foot away below me - or an inch . Maybe if I put my hand through the grass , I would feel a finger sticking out of the dirt - or a hand . Perhaps both arms of a corpse were on either side of me right at that moment . What could be left ? A few bones . The skull . The worms and bacteria had eaten the rest . Water in the earth had dissolved parts , and the plants had sucked them up . Maybe one of the molecules of iron from the corpse 's hemoglobin is in the strand of grass next to my ear . But the embalmers drain all the blood - well , probably not every drop . Nobody does anything perfectly . Then I got very sad because I knew I wasn 't really wondering about the guy underneath me , whoever he was . I was just interested in what was going to happen to me . I think that 's probably the real reason I go to the graveyard . I 'm not afraid of seeing ghosts . I think I 'm really looking for ghosts . I want to see them . I 'm looking for anything to prove that when I drop dead there 's a chance I 'll be doing something a little more exciting than decaying . " Your father sold over three hundred lots today , " the Old Lady said , like she was patting a cocker spaniel on the head . Bore has a seat on the Coffee Exchange , and if he sells more than two hundred lots in a day , he 's in a good mood . Anything less than that and there 's trouble . " It was like pulling teeth , " Bore returned , slightly embarrassed but pleased with the praise . He cut deep into the steak on his plate . " Wait until you start working , John . " " I have to get the dessert , " the Old Lady said , violently polishing a teaspoon and dashing out to the kitchen . She always gets terrified if it looks like my father and I are going to have any type of discussion . A suitable pause occurred after Hyper left the room , and then he started in . " Don 't be fresh . I was thinking maybe you 'd like to work with me over at the Exchange a few days a week . Just after school ? " " Your brother is doing very well at the Exchange . He makes a fine living , and there 's still room for you . I 've only got a few years left , and somebody has to take over . " Every time he says that , I get a little sick to my stomach because I know it 's true . He 's almost sixty years old , and I know he 's not going to be around much longer . All the guys at the Exchange drop dead of heart attacks . They gather around this circle and bellow out bids all day long , like Mexicans at a bullfight . " Dad , it 's the only thing I 'm really interested in doing . I want to go to acting school right after graduation . Everyone says that 's what I should be , with my imagination - " " I just don 't want to wear a suit every day and carry an attaché case and ride a subway . I want to be me . Just me . Not a phony in the crowd . " " Do you both want whipped cream and nuts on your strawberry whirl ? " The Old Lady stood at the kitchen door , wiping forks a mile a minute . I should have said nothing , but it was a conditioned reflex . " One of these days it 'll be too late to apologize . Your mother isn 't going to be around forever either , you know . When she 's dead , you 're going to wish to God you 'd been nicer to her . Mark my words . " He sliced another piece of steak and groaned when the knife wouldn 't go through a bit of gristle . " I am not . I don 't want you to go along with the crowd . I want you to be your own man . Stand out in your own way . " " Your father 's a little tired tonight . Maybe you 'd better go over to a friend 's house to do your homework ? I mean he 's worked hard , and I don 't think we should aggravate him , do you ? " " Would you like a glass of wine ? " Mr . Pignati offered , straightening up a few things in the living room . It was great how happy he was to see us . I can 't remember Bore , or my mother either for that matter , ever looking happy to see me , let alone when I came into the house with He took us through the downstairs part , and the less you know about that the better . The first time we were there we saw the hallway when we came in and the stairs that went to the upper floor - and the living room that was really lived in . There was also this dining room affair with the kind of furniture you see everybody put out on the street for the Sanitation Department in the spring . Then on the other side there was a door leading to a porchlike room that looked like someone had tried to fix it up so it could be lived in but had failed . And the only other thing on the first floor was a kitchen , and that 's where we stopped because Lorraine was hungry . I mean , we were really making ourselves at home there after awhile . At first we had just stood around , bashful about touching his things . We 'd walk over to a bookcase and touch a book and stroll by a table and admire the handle on a drawer . But in fifteen minutes we were laughing with the Pigman like it was a treasure hunt , and he kept smiling and saying , " Just make yourself at home . You just go right ahead and make yourself at home . " But it was really all a lot of junk . The most interesting thing I found was a table drawer full of old Popular Mechanics magazine , and the most interesting thing Lorraine found was the icebox . There was a pause . Then the smile faded off the Pigman 's face . He took the picture from her and moved over to the stuffed armchair and sat down . " Conchetta ? " Lorraine repeated nervously . We both knew something was wrong but couldn 't put our finger on it . I got the idea that maybe his wife had run off to California and left him . I mean , you couldn 't blame her when you stop to think that her husband 's idea of a big time was to go to the zoo and feed a baboon . He got up and put it in the table drawer where all those old Popular Mechanics books were , and when he turned around , his eyes looked like he was going to start crying . Suddenly he forced a smile and said , " Go upstairs and look around while I get you some wine . Please feel at home , please … . " When I opened the door on the left , I got a little bit scared because there was one of those adjustable desk lamps with a long neck that made it look like a bird about to attack . I put the light on though , and the room was a huge bore . The ceiling slanted on the far side , and there was only one window . It was okay if you wanted to keep somebody as the Prisoner of Zenda , but it looked like a rotten place to work . All it had was this big desk made by taking a thick piece of plywood and laying it over two wooden horses , and a bookcase with blueprints and stuff in it , and a big oscilloscope , with its guts hanging out , in the corner . There were three old TV sets too , but they looked like they didn 't even work . The bedroom had a closet too , so I started with that . There were all kinds of dresses in it , and lacy ladies ' coats , and hats that looked like they must have been the purple rage at the turn of the tenth century . It was a big loss ; it really was . And let me tell you , this room was a little nerve - racking too . It had a double bed with a cover made of millions of ruffles , and the way the pillows were laid out , it looked like there might be a dead body underneath . I checked that out right away , but there were only pillows . Then I found one drawer in the dresser bureau that had a lot of papers in it . There were some pictures , and I looked at them quickly . Also there were some bills and old letters and things tied up with a putrid ribbon and then - sort of funny - this little pamphlet caught my eye . It was called WHAT EVERY FAMILY SHOULD KNOW . That 's all there was on the cover , and it really had my curiosity up , so I opened it . The very first page gave me the creeps . In the same drawer there was a leather case with a broken thingamajig to close it , and it had jewelry in it - a lot of junky women 's jewelry that looked like it was made out of paste and stuff . I mean , that wife of his - Mr . Pignati 's wife - looked like she didn 't take anything with her to California . All those clothes in the closet . But how was I supposed to know ? Maybe she went to visit the Pigman 's sister in a nudist camp or something . They do anything in California - crazy religions and that kind of thing . Who is our Funeral Director ? Do we have a cemetery preference ? Are there any organizations or friends to invite ? What kind and type of casket ? Do we have money for the expense ? If so , where ? How much ? If not , where is the money to come from : Veterans ' benefits ? Social Security ? Insurance ? These , and many more , are the questions that are asked when the time comes . Peace of mind will be yours if you follow this booklet . If you need more than one book , just call the Silver Lake Company , and we will forward it at once . A terrible chill ran through me when he said that , because I had been afraid Conchetta was not away on a vacation . I didn 't exactly suspect Mr . Pignati of having murdered her and sealed her body behind a wall in the cellar , but I was suspicious . There was something about the glaze in his eyes when he laughed that disturbed me because I could tell he didn 't really believe his own laughter . It was a nervous type of laughing , the same kind as that of a landlady we once had after her husband died in a dentist 's chair while he was under gas . I just couldn 't smile at his joke . I thought it was very sad . I mean , that cute little girl in the ruffled dress had already grown up , gotten married , lived her life , and was underground somewhere . And Mr . Pignati wasn 't able to admit it . That landlady used to think her husband was going to come back one day too , but she died less than two months after him . I 've always wondered about those cases where a man and wife die within a short time of each other . Sometimes it 's only days . It makes me think that the love between a man and a woman must be the strongest thing in the world . When I got home that night , I thought of them again , but another thought struck me . I realized how many things the Pigman and his wife must have shared - even the fun of preparing food . Good food is supposed to produce good conversation , I 've heard . I guess it 's no wonder my mother and I never had an interesting conversation when all we eat is canned soup , chop suey , and instant coffee . I think I would have learned how to cook if she had ever encouraged me , but the one time I tried baking a cake she said it tasted horrible and was a waste of money . " This one has sex on the brain . He has only got a couple of months to live , and he 's still got itchy fingers . " I watched my mother powdering her nose at the kitchen table . She leaned forward between sips of coffee , dabbing at her face . " Don 't bother . I 'll have breakfast at their house . His wife is treating me with kid gloves because they know a nurse isn 't easy to come by - particularly when they 've got to put up with what I 've got to . Make yourself something . " " Wait until I see if I can take one from the job . I think I saw some when I was going through the closets yesterday . " She checked herself in the bathroom mirror and then headed for the door . " Give me a kiss - and lock the doors and windows . Don 't open for anyone , do you hear me ? " I watched her waiting on the corner until the bus came . If I strained my neck , I could always catch a glimpse of her standing there in her white uniform and white shoes - and she usually wore a short navy - blue jacket , which looked sort of strange over all that white . As I watched her I remembered all the times she said how hard it was to be a nurse - how bad it was for the legs , how painful the varicose veins were that nurses always got from being on their feet so much . I could see her standing under the street light … just standing there until the bus came . It was easy to feel sorry for her , to see how awful her life was - even to understand a little why she picked on me so . It hadn 't always been like that though . Lots of times I 'd cry myself to sleep , but more and more I felt myself thinking of the Pigman whenever I felt sad . Sometimes just after I put the light out , I 'd see his face smiling or his eyes gleaming as he offered me the snails - some little happy detail I thought I had forgotten - and I 'd wish my mother were more like him . I 'd wish she knew how to have a little fun for a change . I got most of the work done in plenty of time for John and me to meet the Pigman down at the Staten Island ferryhouse by eleven thirty that morning . Mr . Pignati said he 'd meet us there after he had stopped at the zoo to feed Bobo , which was fine with John . He loves to wait for people in the ferryhouse because all the bums and drunks come over . He really drives them crazy . They 've got drunks and bums all over the Staten Island ferryhouse , but not half as many as they 've got on the other side at South Ferry . John makes them tell their whole life story before he 'll give them a nickel . This one bum who came over said his name was Dixie . Everybody called him Dixie because he came from the South . Then he told this story about how he used to be a professor at Southern Pines University , but he took some LSD as part of an experimental program and lost his power of concentration . His whole academic life had come to an end because he 'd lost his power of concentration . I thought of writing a story about him until John told me the same bum had come up to him a month ago and said his name was Confederate . He said they called him that because he was from the South . John said he told an entirely different story - about how he had been taking a speed - reading course and he was reading faster than anybody in the world . He said he used to read so fast he had to buy two copies of every book and cut the pages out and put them on tables around the room , and then he 'd run by the pages . That 's how fast he could read . He said he was written up in Scientific American magazine in the January , 1949 , issue , and anybody could check it out . He was supposed to have a sister in Marlboro , Vermont , who could do the same thing . And then the tragedy was supposed to have happened . He was running around the room so fast he banged into a table and lost his power of concentration . The Pigman got there in time for us to get the eleven forty - five boat to Manhattan . I just had to go along on this trip to Beekman 's Department Store because John has absolutely no control over himself . If I had let him and Mr . Pignati go alone , John would have charged half the store . He wouldn 't have done it to be mean . He just isn 't used to people giving him stuff , and that 's what Mr . Pignati wanted to do . When the ferry docked on the other side , we got off on the upper deck , which meant we had to walk down this long , curving ramp that looks like a poor man 's Guggenheim Museum . The subway station is right there , so we went down the stairs and got on the Seventh Avenue Local . When you take the Seventh Avenue Local , you have to switch at Chambers Street for the Seventh Avenue Express . It really can get boring unless you keep your eyes open . There was one woman at Chambers Street who was talking to herself a mile a minute , and I know now it was another omen . " Death is coming , " she kept repeating . " God told me death is coming . He calls me his little chatty doll … God 's chatty doll … . " Mr . Pignati started getting excited when we got inside with all those Saturday shoppers . You could tell right off he was going to show us around as though he owned the place . He took us right to the fancy - food store on the eighth floor . It was probably the only part of Beekman 's he 'd ever been to , and I could just picture Conchetta and him pushing the cart up and down the aisles picking out all that vile food . " Now you pick out some things you 'd like to try . " He smiled at me . John had already picked out a carton of tiger 's milk and a box of chocolate - covered ants . Ugh . Anything to be weird . But I really didn 't . And still it felt good . No one had ever bought me stuff like this before - something I just liked and didn 't need and didn 't even ask for . Now I knew how John felt because I felt the same way . " Is there something you 'd like here ? " Mr . Pignati asked , and I knew he meant it . I had no intention of accepting anything more , but I couldn 't help looking around . I began to get terrified at what my mother would say when I brought her home three pairs of stockings . I 'd have to tell her some girl friend at school bought them by mistake and wanted to sell them cheap or something like that . But then I broke out laughing . The visit to the toy department was something else . I hadn 't been in Beekman 's toy department in years , not since I was three years old and my mother took me to sit on Santa Claus ' lap . It was fun then , but now everything was made out of cheap plastic , and you could tell the stuff would break in a minute . The one thing that really got my goat was these ships in bottles . They were ships in bottles all right , but the bottles were made out of plastic . They had bottoms so you could open the bottle up and take the ship out whenever you felt like it . I mean , they lost the whole point of having a ship in a bottle . You 're supposed to wonder about how it got in there , not be able to screw the bottom off the thing and take the ship out whenever you feel like it . And there was the arsenal of course : guns , pistols , shotguns , slingshots , knives , and swords . It 's no wonder kids grow up to be killers with all that rehearsal . There was enough artillery in Beekman 's toy department to wipe out Red China and the Mau - Mau tribe of Africa , and I personally think some of the toy manufacturers could use a good course in preventative psychiatry . " Kitchykitchykitchykoo , " John said , tapping his finger on the side of an aquarium that had two piranha flesh - eating fish in it . One of them darted for his finger and bumped its nose on the glass . Next to them were three little monkeys in a cage that were hugging each other like crazy , and you - know - who stopped to talk to them for half an hour . The three monkeys were hugging each other desperately , and I really had to smile , watching them . Here they were , clinging to each other in the pet shop at Beekman 's , looking out at everybody with those tiny , wet eyes - as though pleading for love . They looked so lonely and sweet just holding on to each other . Now that 's the kind of logic that really sets John off . That floorwalker could have simply said that monkeys bite or that popcorn is not their natural diet or something like that - but instead he had to think he was a schoolteacher . From that moment on , every time the floorwalker half turned his back John made believe he was throwing popcorn into the monkey cage , and I thought that man was going to go insane . " He 's not spending any money , " John corrected . " He 's going to charge them ! " He ran ahead and caught up with the Pigman , who was heading for the sports department . " I used to love roller - skating , " he answered . He looked so happy and funny bending over in his seat , trying to put on one of the skates , that I had to laugh . One part of me was saying " Don 't let this nice old man waste his money , " and the other half was saying " Enjoy it , enjoy doing something absolutely absurd " - something that let me be a child in a way I never could be with my mother , something just silly and absurd and … beautiful . " John , are you crazy ? " Just as the words came out of my mouth I could tell from the fallen expression on his face that if I didn 't wear the roller skates , I 'd be letting him down . I 'd be disappointing him in the main thing that he liked about me . I - and maybe now even the Pigman - were the only ones he knew who could understand that doing something like roller - skating out of Beekman 's was not absolutely crazy . Everything in his home had to have a purpose . There was no one there who could understand doing something just for fun - something crazy - and that was what he 'd liked about me from that first day when I laughed on the bus and was just as crazy as he was . All John was doing was opening his arms and in his own way saying : " Look at me , world ! Look at my life and energy and how glad I am to be alive ! " We must have looked just like three monkeys . The Pigman , John , and me - three funny little monkeys . My son adores playing with a doll I bought for him last Xmas . He spends hours with it , putting doll clothes on it and feeding it on doll dishes . This aggravates his father no end , and several other adults have made nasty remarks about it too . Personally , I see nothing wrong with Timothy playing with this doll because it is a sailor doll . He puts a cute little white hat and uniform on it and I think the image is totally masculine . Why is it when a little girl plays Cowboys and Indians everyone says she 's a darling little tomboy , but when a boy plays with a doll they say he 's queer ? Please answer this . WORRIED MOTHER Lorraine told you she thinks Norton and I hate each other . It 's true . Norton is so low on the scale of evolution he belongs back in the age of the Cro - Magnon man . Norton actually did play with dolls when he was a kid . That was his mother 's fault , just like in that " Dear Alice " column . When he was old enough to know better , he didn 't play with dolls anymore . But the kids used to make cracks about him , so that made him go berserk around the age of ten . He was the only berserk ten - year - old in the neighborhood . From then on he turned tough guy all the way . He was always picking fights and throwing stones and beating up everybody . In fact , he got so tough he used to go around calling the other guys sissies . When I was a freshman going through my Bathroom - Bomber complex , Norton was a specialist in the five - finger discount . He used to shoplift everywhere he went . It used to be small - time stuff like costume jewelry for his mother and candy bars and newspapers . Then he got even worse , until now his eyes even drift out of focus when you 're talking to him . He 's the type of guy who could grow up to be a killer . As soon as he mentioned DD I felt like socking him right in the face . I mean , DD is this lunatic man on Richmond Avenue who makes believe he 's the leader of organized crime on Staten Island , but all he handles are the hubcaps and radios that kids steal . King of the kids . The grin on Norton 's face faded away so quickly you 'd think I just stuck a knife into him . " You wouldn 't happen to know where I could buy some … marshmallows , would you ? " I said , smiling . I yawned and stretched my arms into the air . " Well , I can see this conference is over . Thanks for the beer . " Then I threw my empty bottle way in back of the tomb . I mean , I was really furious by this time , and I started walking down the path from the top and out across the white gravel courtyard . " Maybe we 'll pay a visit real soon ! " Norton called out , and I turned to see him standing on top of the tomb . I walked a few steps farther so that I was about a hundred yards or so away , and then I spun around . " That kid 's going to be a real drinker , " he 'd say in front of company , and then I 'd go through my beer - drinking performance for everybody , and they 'd laugh their heads off . It was about the only thing I ever did that got any attention . My brother was the one everybody really liked - Kenny , the smart college kid . The only thing I did better than him was drink beer . When Bore got sclerosis of the liver like Lorraine told you , he stopped drinking , but I didn 't . I don 't think I know exactly what year I noticed it , but then all of a sudden Bore and the Old Lady got old . They didn 't fight anymore . They didn 't do much of anything anymore , which is why I guess I nicknamed them the way I did . They just seemed tired , and I seemed out of place in the house . I had become a disturbing influence , as they say . If I light up a cigarette , all my mother 's really worried about is that I 'm going to burn a hole in the rug . If I want a beer , she 's worried I 'm not going to rinse the glass out . " John , please do whatever you like . Make yourself comfortable . If you want something out of the refrigerator , help yourself . I want you to feel at home . " It got so that every day John and I would go over to the Pigman 's after school and have a glass of wine and conversation . It was routine by the time the Christmas holidays came around , and it was nice to have some place to go besides the cemetery when it was cold out . Masterson 's Tomb is an escapist 's dream in the summer , but it 's a realist 's nightmare in December . " Did I see you in a car today ? " my mother asked , coming to the doorway to watch my reaction . " I was waiting for you to go to the store . When you didn 't come home , I walked down myself , and I saw a girl in a car that looked just like you . " She was holding the large coffee cup and stirring nervously . " I don 't care . Just don 't let me catch you in a car if you know what 's good for you . I got some shrimp chop suey from the Chinese restaurant . I saved yours , but get the uniform done first . " She always warns me about getting into cars and things like that . When she goes to work on a night shift , she constantly reminds me to lock the doors and windows , and sometimes she calls on the phone if she gets a chance and tells me again . Beware of men is what she 's really saying . They have dirty minds , and they 're only after one thing . Rapists are roaming the earth . But now I understand her a little . I think the only man she really hates is my father - even though he 's dead . I don 't think she 'll ever be able to forgive what he did to her . She used to put me through the story at least twice a year - how when she was pregnant with me her doctor called and told her my father had some kind of disease , and she shouldn 't let him touch her until he got rid of it . It turned out that he had a girl friend on the side , and that 's when she filed for a legal separation . Everyone was surprised , because they had been childhood sweethearts , as the expression goes . It must have been awful for her when she found out about him . She never talks about him now - just how awful men are in general . She 's what the psychologists call fixated on the subject . There 's one picture of my mother and father in an album , which is how I like to remember them . He 's wearing a football uniform - a handsome young man - with his arm around her . She 's wearing one of those funny raccoon coats . They 're smiling at each other in a grass field somewhere in Stapleton . " I got a run in one of the new stockings last night . I didn 't notice it until I washed them this morning . " I could tell from the way she spoke that it was her way of thanking me for giving them to her . " Where did you get the money for them ? " I was surprised to see John break down and start buying his own six - packs of beer . I really was . I had been bringing things like potato chips and pretzels all along simply because I felt funny mooching off Mr . Pignati . So things were really going along fine until one Sunday night in January when there was a snowstorm - and the Pigman had been to the zoo . John and I got over to the house around eight o ' clock and were all set to watch a television show when we noticed Mr . Pignati was sad as all get out . I don 't even want to tell you this part , but one of us has to . It 's very depressing ; it really is . The minute we walked into the house I knew there was something wrong with him . He looked sick . Just worn out and sick , even though he was trying to smile , and you could tell he was feeling low . I told him to stay in his chair and I 'd get the refreshments , and he looked rather grateful for my offer . " Bobo 's getting old … . " I heard Mr . Pignati say as I served him a glass of wine . John had a can of beer , and I just didn 't feel like anything at that moment . I sat in a creaky wooden chair near the window , and I could feel a terrible draft . Outside , the snow was falling , and it looked very pretty . There were a lot of pine trees , and the snow was sticking to them . It dawned on me then what a strain it must have been on Mr . Pignati to have trudged all the way down to see the baboon . He had even shoveled the walk outside , which I knew was for us . And just at that moment , for no reason at all , I remembered the old lady at Chambers Street saying " Death is coming . " " Anybody hungry ? " I asked , going out to the kitchen again without waiting for an answer . I came back with some candy on a plate . All I wanted was to cheer everybody up . The TV was certainly doing the best it could , with a blond starlet singing " Hurrah for Hollywood … La - La - La - De - Dum " as two hundred chorus boys lifted her up into the air . " Have a piece of candy ? " I asked , offering the plate to John . He was so hypnotized by that starlet he simply reached over and grabbed a piece and stuck it in his mouth without looking . Then a comedian finally told a joke we laughed at . " John , " I whispered , " I think right now is a good time . " I got up and turned the TV down and waited for John to start . He looked very nervous over what we had decided to tell the Pigman . I couldn 't keep from speaking . " It was a game , " I offered , and I felt myself talking on and on , trying to put things on a lighter level . " We didn 't do it to be mean , " I said at last . Finally we had to stop talking and wait for some response from him . He had turned his head away and seemed to be looking out the window . Perhaps John had been right when he said we should 've forgotten the whole thing - never mentioned it . Maybe there are some lies you should never admit to . I had told him we had to be truthful , and now I was sorry because I think I knew before the Pigman opened his mouth what he would have to tell us in return . " I had them make a cake … the bakery … for our anniversary . " He wiped his eyes with a wrinkled handkerchief he took from one of his pockets . " Something like our wedding cake was , with a girl in white on top … and a boy . " She did everything for me . We were each other 's life , " he managed to say and then broke into sobs . He tried to cover his eyes and turn his head so we wouldn 't have to see him like that . Mr . Pignati raised his head slowly and looked at us , tears pouring down his face . John pretended not to notice by watching the television , but I knew he really wasn 't . He might have been thinking about his parents too . I went over and put my hand on Mr . Pignati 's . There was nothing else I could think of doing . Tell us , I wanted to say to him , tell us if it 'll make you feel better . There was a pause , and then John turned to the Pigman . " We 're sorry , " he said , in such a gentle way I wanted to kiss him for it . There was no need to say anything more . You never saw anybody run faster for the kitchen sink in your life , and at last there was a laugh out of Mr . Pignati . I was so relieved he had laughed that I 'd have eaten snails and scungilli or anything else . Ants were nothing . Even the Pigman and I tried one of the chocolates , which tasted a little like candy with crispy rice . John took extra long coming back , and I could hear him getting his roller skates out of the closet in the back room where all the pigs were . I knew he 'd have to do something to try to top my little ant joke . So when he came flying into the living room on skates , I laughed it up so he 'd feel a little better about my slipping him the insects . Then the Pigman wanted to get in on the act . That 's how the three of us were . If one of us did something that was funny , the other two had to come up with something too . Three copycats . It wasn 't exactly that we had to show off so much as that we wanted to entertain each other . We wanted to show equally how much we were thankful for each other 's company . " Number from one to five . " The Pigman started getting a little bit of the old gleam back . " This is going to tell you what kind of a person you are . " He drew a diagram on a piece of paper and laid it in front of us . I thought he had completely flipped . " One day the HUSBAND tells his WIFE that he has to be gone all night to handle some business in a faraway town . The WIFE pleads with him to take her with him because she knows if he doesn 't she will be unfaithful to him . The HUSBAND absolutely refuses to take her because she will only be in the way of his important business . " So the HUSBAND goes alone . When he is gone , the WIFE goes over the bridge and stays with her LOVER . The night passes , and dawn is almost up when the WIFE leaves because she must get back to her own house before her HUSBAND gets home . She starts to cross the bridge but sees an ASSASSIN waiting for her on the other side , and she knows if she tries to cross , he will murder her . In terror , she runs up the side of the river and asks the BOATMAN to take her across the river , but he wants fifty cents . She has no money , so he refuses to take her . Mr . Pignati had to explain the whole story over to me again because it was too complicated to get the first time , but I ended up listing the guilty in this order : 1 . BOATMAN , 2 . HUSBAND , 3 . WIFE , 4 . LOVER , 5 . ASSASSIN . Mr . Pignati started laughing when he looked at our lists . " You both picked the BOATMAN as the one who is most guilty in the death of the woman . Each of the characters is a symbol for something , and you have betrayed what is most important to you in life . " " I 'm glad I picked the boatman , " I said , blushing a little . The order in which John liked things in the world was supposed to be magic , sex , money , fun , and love . The order in which I was supposed to prefer these qualities was magic , love , fun , sex , and money . I thought that was sort of accurate , if you ask me . So John and I laughed a lot for the Pigman , making him think we thought the game was two tons of fun . It wasn 't bad , but it certainly wasn 't two tons of fun . But he always had to do something to try to top us . The longer he knew us , the more of a kid he became . It was cute in a way . After Mr . Pignati finished playing the psychological game with us , John started skating . First he skated just in that hall leading from the dining room to the doorway with the curtains where all the pigs were . But then after a few minutes , he started skating right through the living room while Mr . Pignati and I watched television . Finally he opened the door to the porch so that now he had about fifty feet of nice wooden floor to race on . That looked so attractive I went and put my skates on . Mr . Pignati laughed like anything as we went flying by , and before we knew it he had his skates on and the three of us were zooming right from the porch through the living room and dining room down the hall into the room with the pigs . It was really a scream , particularly when we started playing tag . We were having so much fun I just never thought anyone would hurt himself . I mean , I had forgotten about Mr . Pignati going way down to the zoo in all that snow . I forgot he had shoveled the walk , and I guess for a few minutes I forgot he was so old . John got particularly wild at one point when Mr . Pignati was It and there weren 't many obstacles you could skate around on the ground floor except the kitchen table , and that got mundane after awhile . So John was off , running up the stairs to the bedroom with his skates on , and we were all howling with laughter . Clomp ! Clomp ! What a racket those skates made . And Mr . Pignati started right up after him , puffing like crazy , his face redder than a beet . Clomp ! Clomp ! Clomp ! right up the stairs . Suddenly , just a few steps up , Mr . Pignati stopped . He started to gasp for air and turned around to face me at the bottom of the stairs … trying to speak . Only a horrible moan came out . I knew it was a heart attack right away . Lorraine almost passed out , but I knew enough to call the police . They got there about ten minutes later with an ambulance from St . Ambrose Hospital , and we almost didn 't have enough time to get the skates off . Two attendants came in with an old lady doctor , and we told them how he had been shoveling snow and had been out all day , and they just whisked him away on a stretcher like an old sack of potatoes . He was breathing just fine . Maybe a little fast , but it certainly didn 't look like he was going to die or anything like that . I mean those particular cops were so dumb it was pathetic . I felt like I was talking to two grown - up Dennises who had arrested mental growth . It was a big deal over nothing . They wanted to know if we could take care of ourselves , and we assured them we were very mature . They finally left after they had a good look around the place . I mean , the furnishings were enough to make anybody think a pack of wild gypsies lived there , but they were probably anxious to get along on the rounds of the local bars and collect their graft for the week . Lorraine got furious when I told her that and said she hoped I needed help some day and there were no policemen to call . Then she called me stupid and left me standing in the hall . I walked to the edge of the living room and just waited for the lecture I knew was coming . She turned her head away , and I was sorry I had yelled at her . " He 's not going to die . It was just a little stroke , that 's all . He was breathing fine when they carried him out . " I needed two beers after that , but Lorraine was nervous about staying there . So we found the keys to the house in the kitchen , locked up , and took a walk in the cemetery . We didn 't last long there because it was too cold , and she felt terrible when we walked by a freshly dug grave . There 's nothing worse than a freshly dug grave with snow falling on it . The next day we cut school and took the Number 107 bus to St . Ambrose Hospital . We got there a half hour before visiting time , but that gave us time to check on Mr . Pignati and find out that he wasn 't dead . In fact he was so alive he looked better than ever , but I 've heard that 's the way a lot of people are when they have heart attacks . I mean , that 's supposed to be the real danger period because they feel energetic , but if they exert themselves , they can have another attack and croak . This Transylvanian - looking nun - nurse made us sign our names in a book and gave us a couple of passes so everyone at the hospital would know we had permission to be there and were not a couple of ghouls raiding the morgue . I hate to go to hospitals because you never know when you get in one of the elevators if the guy next to you has the galloping bubonic plague . You should have seen Lorraine carrying eleven gladiolas . She looked like a Mongolian peasant hawking flowers in a flea market . We took them from three different graves in the cemetery and couldn 't find a twelfth gladiola anywhere . But who counts a dozen gladiolas when you get them ? We still pretended we were John and Lorraine Pignati because only members of the immediate family were allowed to visit . " Your son and daughter are here , " this fat , huge nurse said , opening the door to Room 304 . And there was the Pigman , propped up on his high pillow with the bed raised . It was a semiprivate room , and I 'd better not tell you about the other patient in there that made it semiprivate because he looked like he wasn 't long for this world . They had a guy with some kind of oxygen - tent thing nearby that looked like a malaria net . " Hi ! " Mr . Pignati said , with a great big grin on his face . You 'd have thought he was a guest in a hotel the way he looked , with this breakfast tray right in front of him on a weird - looking bed table . " Look at the lovely flowers they brought , " the fat , huge nurse said . " I 'll put them in some water . " She flashed a gigantic smile herself and then beat it . " Of course I 'm all right . " He laughed . " I 'm getting out of here in a few days . There 's nothing wrong with me . The doctor even said so . " There was a lot of small talk after that , and Lorraine never took her eyes off the guy in the other bed , who looked like he was 193 years old . Then the fat , huge nurse came back in with the gladiolas in this crummy glass vase that looked like they had just dug it up in the backyard . " Aren 't they pretty ? " she said and then beat it again . Just then the guy in the other bed took a choking fit , and the three of us just looked very uncomfortable until that was over . The fat nurse came running in and did something to him to make him stop . It looked like she strangled him actually . " How are you all doing ? " the nurse said , bounding in and exhibiting her ivories again . " Your father 's a very funny man , " she squealed . " He knows an awful lot of jokes . " By the time we left , I was so glad to see the outside world I thought I had been in prison for seventy - three years . The smell of hospitals always makes me think of death . In fact I think hospitals are exactly what grave - yards are supposed to be like . They ought to bury people in hospitals and let sick people get well in the cemeteries . The sun was shining , and the ice was beginning to melt on the street . A big plow came down Forest Avenue , scooping snow right into the front of it and throwing it out the top through this pipe contraption . It looked like a black dragon devouring everything it touched . Pretty soon our bus came along , and then we hiked back up to the house . Everything that happened from then on Lorraine blames me for , and maybe she 's right . Things were just fine at first . Lorraine was in her glory because she had a brainstorm about making spaghetti . That would have been a superb idea if I had overlooked the fact that I loathe spaghetti . Mr . Pignati had some sauce left in the refrigerator , and there were three packages of number nine vermicelli , so I decided to let the little homemaker go ahead with it . I went into the bedroom and opened the closet with all of Mr . Pignati 's clothes . He didn 't have that much , but I knew even if he were next to me , he wouldn 't mind if I tried on a jacket or two . My own father won 't let me touch his stuff . I tried on a shiny blue suit that looked so worn I think Columbus must have sported it over to the New World . The lapels were so big I felt as though I was wearing reverse water wings . There was a full - length mirror on the door , and when I saw myself , I realized I wasn 't plain old John Conlan anymore . I was a famous actor getting ready to go before the cameras to play the role of a distinguished European businessman and lover . " Good Lord , " Lorraine gulped . I thought she was going to drop the pot of spaghetti . She had set the dining - room table and pulled down the shades so it was pretty shadowy , and that made me look perfect . In the middle of the table were two religious - looking candles burning away . I finally shut the stove off and went into the living room . I was planning to put the TV on , and I was mad as @ # $ % because I knew the spaghetti was congealing in the pot . I don 't like spaghetti when it 's normal , let alone congealed . She stood there for a moment , and I couldn 't believe my eyes . I knew she had been digging out some old rags of Conchetta 's , but I hadn 't expected this . She was wearing a white dress with two million ruffles and a neckline that was the lowest she 'd ever worn … and makeup and high heels and an ostrich feather in her hair . She looked just like one of those unknown actresses you see on the TV summer - replacement programs . " John , stop it now . I 'm not kidding . " She started laughing again right in my arms , but I stopped it by putting my lips on hers . It was the first time we had ever kissed . When I moved my lips away from hers , we just looked at each other , and somehow we were not acting anymore . " Dinner is served , " she announced , carrying this big plate of congealed spaghetti . We each sat at opposite ends of the table with the candles burning away . I poured us some wine in these long - stemmed glasses , and for a few moments we just sat looking at each other - her with the feather in her hair and me with my moustache . |
Ramblin 's and ruminations about the events in our lives . Thank you for stopping by . It 's a pleasure to have you here and I hope you enjoy your visit . Y ' all come back now , hear ? . . . . . ( ( crickets ) ) It 's been hotter than blazes around here . This week it got up to 100 degrees . It 's so hot that the grass has stopped growing and started turning brown in spots . It 's so hot that I 've been putting out lots of water for the dogs and cats and filling the birdbath every day . I even put a dish of water out for the little critters that creep around on the ground . I got that idea from Scout . He has a little dish sitting on the ground with water for the frog that lives under his porch . So many critters are suffering from the heat . It only stands to reason that they will turn up wherever they can find water . Scout and Kim have a swimming pool in the backyard . This king snake probably smelled the water or was searching for food in the surrounding undergrowth . Scout probably got his love of snakes from my grandfather . He was notorious for not killing snakes . Grampa thought everything was good and he didn 't eliminate snakes in his philosophy . Grampa had a pet little snake that lived in a rock wall in his yard . Momma saw it one time and tried to kill it but Grampa stepped in and told her not to hurt his little snake . He said he had burned some brush near the wall and he thought he had blinded the snake . He felt sorry for it and would feed it grubs and insects when he saw it . He said it was his friend . My grandparents moved from town to Crow Valley later . They lived there several years before a dam was built near them . Grampa 's property was below the spillway . Grampa and Gramma loved fishing at the bottom of the dam . Grampa also liked fishing in the lake . Grampa said he went to the top of the dam to go fishing one day and saw a stringer at the edge of the water . Someone had left their stringer of fish in the water . A snake had tried to swallow a fish on the line and the fish was stuck in it 's throat . Grampa picked up the snake and the fish and tried to work the fish out of the snakes mouth . He said he worked slow so as not to hurt the snake until he was able to get the fish dislodged from the snakes mouth . He put the snake back in the water until it got it 's strength back . It finally swam away from the bank , away from him . He said the funniest thing happened . The snake turned around and swam nearly up to him and swam in place with it 's head sticking out of the water . It just looked at him . It began to swim away again and got a little farther but stopped and turned around and swam back to the bank where Grampa was standing . It swam in place with it 's head raised above the water looking him in the eye again . It swam away again but stopped , again and swam back to him one more time to look at him . It finally turned around and swam away . Grampa said he thought the little snake came back to thank him for saving his life . He was so proud of saving the snake 's life . Momma laughed and said she bet the snake wasn 't thanking him for saving his life . She bet the snake was sizing him up and wondering if he could swallow Grampa . We all had a good laugh over that but I think Grampa was right . The snake understood that Grampa saved his life and wanted to thank him . Animals may not think like we do but they do understand more than we give them credit for . God put everything here for a purpose and that day Grampa 's purpose was to save that snake 's life . That 's kind of cool if you think about it . AS ALWAYS Don 't you hate it when you miss an opportunity like that ? I know I do . Sometimes it 's taken me years to come up with a good response I should have used during an encounter . I wish I was quicker on my feet . I just forget that you always have to be on your toes and prepared for an attack at any time . I imagine there will be many more of those episodes in my life because I 'm not the kind of person to stand around and take it when anyone starts belittling me . I hate bullies and I hate ignorant people that start name calling anyone just because they don 't agree with them , especially men . Some men have those alpha male episodes where they pace around beating their chests saying , " Look at me ! I am a man ! You have to listen to me ! " They become enraged at any woman who dares to stand up for themselves and say what they thing . If anyone disagrees with those alpha males , they can 't handle it . They want to lash out and attack . They 're very scary . I know because I 've been at the receiving end of too many fights . One time I was on Walnut Avenue at a red light getting ready to turn left into the old Walmart when the light changed to yellow and I didn 't go . My car was unreliable and I wasn 't about to floor it to turn into oncoming traffic so I waited on the light to turn green . A man got out of his car parked in the turning lane behind me and came up to my window and started yelling at me because I hadn 't turned on yellow . He was irate . I could see a young child in his car which he had left sitting in the road with the door open . The crazy man actually got out of his car to confront me , leaving his little kid in the car ! I couldn 't believe it . Another time the kids and I were at Walmart getting ready to leave when a man and his wife and kid walked out of the store pushing a shopping cart . The woman started putting her child in the car and the man pushed the buggy behind my car and jumped in the driver 's seat . His thoughtlessness made me so mad that I got out of the car and pushed the buggy aside . I shot him a bird as I drove away . The lanes were crowded and I had to go around the parking lot . I saw the man cutting across the parking lot towards me in a rage . His neck muscles were bulged out and his face was red . He wanted to come throttle me . I recognized the look . I maneuvered around and got out of the parking lot before he could reach the car . I couldn 't imagine how the scene would have played out if he had reached me but one of us would have gone to jail . Probably him , for murder . I have an ability to rub people the wrong way , especially if I think they are being thoughtless or inconsiderate . I usually let them know what I am thinking . That 's how I got into it with some guy on Facebook who called me a bitch . I really should have taken it as a compliment . He couldn 't fathom an open minded woman like me . I believed the teachers when they taught us that we were born in the land of the free , and the home of the brave . I think America 's greatest gift and most sacred right is freedom of speech . I exercise my first amendment rights often . America is great because we have the freedom to express our opinions . I respect people 's right to express their opinions even if I don 't agree with them , but that doesn 't mean I will keep my opinion to myself . Everyone is born and experiences different things in their lives that made them the way they have become today . No two people , even twins , experience the world the same and has the same experiences and reactions as each other about everything . Some people never voice an opinion about anything so you never know what they are thinking . Some people never shut up and never try to hear anyone else 's opinion . Some people get along with everyone and never have disagreements with anyone . Some people shoot off their mouth and say what they think . Guess which category I fall in . I heard of a Facebook group that 's name implied they would be discussing local politics . I joined it because I thought it would be fun to learn information about candidates and how they stood on the issues and what their experience was , you know , things like that . I couldn 't find any information about the group and soon realized it was a new listing on Facebook . The moderator who created the group had a few interesting posts from real candidates talking about the election and their backgrounds . It was a lovely idea and it would have been successful except for the moderator 's constant derision of the president and name calling of his supporters . I counted three insulting words he used to describe me . There may have been more . He started off referring to Obama supporters as " damn morons " . When he started confronting me about my support he progressed to calling me a " fool " . He sarcastically apologized to me before ultimately calling me a " bitch " because I wouldn 't take a damn bag of groceries for a friend of mine who is in a pickle . He and a couple of his groupies had been deriding people who took welfare and saying how sorry they were because they didn 't get out and earn their own money . They were whining about how hard they had it and shouldn 't have to pay taxes for people who " sit on their ass and won 't work " . I tried to tell them there were plenty of people that needed help . I told them about a friend who is pregnant . She and her husband are about lose their rental house because he lost his job . They 've been living on unemployment but it was about to run out and he couldn 't find a job . They have two kids . I asked the moderator who would be able to help them . He offered them a bag of groceries . I said the husband needed a job and they needed someplace to stay . They weren 't starving , yet . The moderator and someone else offered in jest to buy them groceries or even make " my kids " sandwiches for lunch . I reckon they thought I was talking about myself . I think they thought I was on welfare or something and wanted to denigrate me and act all superior . Every now and then the moderator would say something sort of like an apology but it didn 't ring true . The moderator got so angry with me for not agreeing to take his pitiful bag of groceries he screamed , " Bitch . . . I tried to help you ! . . . blah , blah , blah " . Call me bitch again and I 'll show you a real bitch . You wouldn 't like me if you made me mad . I run into people all the time who complain about the government wasting their tax dollars supporting people on welfare . Nobody must know anyone they care about who is sick , or homeless , or without a job . They keep preaching that love and compassion we are so famous for in the south and falling back on the old " they can go to a shelter or a church for help " . That is a cop out . Nobody wants to ask for charity from a religious group they don 't belong to . And why should churches be burdened with the extra burden of feeding and housing the people who have lost everything and are just looking for a break so they can get their lives back on track . Most churches can 't afford to shoulder that responsibility . Our tax dollars go to a lot more than welfare . They don 't give us an option to opt out on federal taxes that go towards war . Why should we be able to refuse to pay taxes that go toward helping people who are really in need of it ? When my aunt 's husband died and her children were little social security sent her a check for each child every month until they turned eighteen . Without that money she would have been broke and destitute . Their house insurance paid off the house but if it hadn 't been for social security she wouldn 't have been able to take care of her children . She didn 't even have a job . She didn 't learn to drive a car until after my uncle died . There are so many people that have hard times in their lives . You can 't plan for an illness or a death . You have no control over the economy or losing your job . When someone is using social security or welfare , that is no reason to look down on them and judge them . If not for the grace of God we might all be there then you 'd appreciate any help you could get . When the hell did I call YOU everything in the book ? YOU called me a " DAMN MORON , a FOOL , and a BITCH " ! Get off your high horse and go bale some hay . You are such a hypocrite and you KNOW you don 't give a damn about anyone , much less my friends , so don 't worry about it . I 'll try to find them some REAL HELP and not depend on small minded people like YOU who keep putting people down who need help . XXX you are the same age as my son and if he talked to me like you have I would have backhanded him so hard his teeth would rattle . Too bad your mother didn 't teach you better manners . Drop it and please don 't contact me again . Wow . . . You have some hard life lessons ahead of you ma ' am . I was trying to help . You can see that . If you ignore it then you are a fool . My mom is proud of the way I handled your situation . She is also proud I stand up for myself when someone like yourself tries to belittle me by acting like I think I 'm better . Im not better , I know I 'm not . If you knew , or would have listened to me you would know thus . Your high horse got you here . I 'm fine with you being upset . I am upset with you . I feel I never had a chance with you . No matter what I said or did I wouldn 't " care " in your book . I 'm sorry that you were that closed minded . I 'm not . I will never be . If you take government assistance so be it . I don 't , that doesn 't make me an evil arrogant fool . It just makes me Wes Roland . I don 't feel I 'm better than you , I listen better , but I 'm not better . if you 'll got back and read thru the posts you 'll see this . Good luck with your friend . I 'm sorry I couldn 't help . I really wanted to . Goodbye . XXX if you LISTENED BETTER than me you would have known I am not and never have been on welfare or government assistance of any kind . You also didn 't listen when I said PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN . I 'm sure your mother approved of everything you said . She raised you after all . When you called me a bitch I should have said " Bitch ? . . . I 'm not your mother ! " No I had a knee jerk reaction to your obscene language . You have a lot to learn buddy , that is if you can get the wax out of your ears and the plank out of your eye . Go away . You 've become annoying by now . We had another cookout last weekend at my parents house . Daddy likes to celebrate Momma 's birthday with a cookout every year . I think he likes having company . Scout , and Kim , and Layla were on vacation in Panama City so they didn 't get to come but Donny , and Colt , and I were there . My two aunts were invited so they came . They had been at the Memorial Day cookout , too . I am so happy that Mary and Patsy live in Tennessee and are close enough to come visit often . They are such a delight to be around . They never meet a stranger , and are always cheerful , and uplifting . Every time we are together is a blessing . My aunt , Jonnie Bell , was invited to the cookout but she has lots of health problems and doesn 't feel like getting out much anymore . She lives in Chattanooga . It was a very small celebration . Patsy made a delicious butterscotch pie , and Mary made a yummy lemon meringue pie . I brought a carrot cake with cream cheese icing . Theirs were from - scratch . Mine came from a box . ( I say , " Thank ye ' aunt Betty . You know Betty don 't you ? Betty Crocker . " ) We had plenty of sweets . Momma didn 't feel very good so she didn 't do much . I put the hamburgers on the grill and watched them for a while . Momma brought a bowl out to put the hamburgers and hot dogs on and we went inside into the air conditioning to eat . Momma hasn 't been out of the hospital long . She has pneumonia . I don 't know how long it takes to get over that . She doesn 't have any energy and can 't breathe well . Daddy 's not much better . He 's had heart surgery and stints put in so he huffs and puffs when he is outside in the heat . He didn 't use to be like that . When he was young he was a dock worker . He lifted and moved freight all day or night long . He was in good shape . After he retired he didn 't exercise and he eventually developed heart disease . Although there weren 't as many people at Momma 's birthday party this year as last year , it was a very nice cookout . Everybody pitched in to straighten up and help Momma . It was just family , and just family is just fine . She really should be resting more than she is though . She needs to get well and that 's the only thing they recommend when you have pneumonia . Instead of having a cookout I had offered to cook a turkey and dressing but Momma said that Daddy didn 't want turkey . It was the wrong time of year . What the heck ? Is there any wrong time for turkey ? I don 't know . I just thought it would be easier on Momma if I cooked the turkey and brought it to their house . Momma said I could cook the hamburgers and that would help . Well , alright , but I still wanted turkey and dressing after I got to thinking about it . So did Colt . I had a whole turkey in my freezer . I also had a whole chicken in there . Since Daddy didn 't want to eat turkey for Momma 's birthday I 'd fix something for Colt 's birthday . It was coming up . I decided to thaw out the chicken and cook a special birthday dinner for just the three of us , Colt and Don and me . We had dinner Tuesday evening and it was delicious if I do say so myself . I asked Colt what he would like with his chicken and dressing and he asked for macaroni and cheese . Okay , I figured I can do that . I cooked elbow macaroni , and then drained it , and added a little milk to melt Velveeta cheese in the saucepan on the stove top . I make pretty good macaroni . Everything was delicious . I had two containers of turkey juice in the freezer that I thawed in the microwave and poured over the crumbled up cornbread . I added a little bit of sage and salt and pepper and tasted it until I got it salty enough . I had added a little water to make it moist enough so I used chicken bouillon to make it more flavorful and salty . It 's good to taste test every now and then so it 's not too flat or too salty . Every now and then I get everything right . Colts special dinner turned out alright . I am so grateful for my family . I was an only child so I don 't have any brothers or sisters to lean on . That is why my parents , and my husband , and my sons are so important to me . They are my closest relatives on this earth . They love me and help me whenever I need them . I am so proud of them . Colt and Don and I took the pickup truck to Scout 's to get a tiller . I thought the tiller was heavier than it really was or Colt and I could have gotten it ourselves . On the way home we stopped at the truck stop so Colt could get a corn dog and a drink . We were across from Burger 's Market on highway 136 so Don got Colt to drive across the road to pick up some boiled peanuts . I bought bell peppers , tomatoes , and lettuce . I love Burger 's Market . They sell fresh fruits and vegetables and honey and relish . At the crossroads of highway 41 and highway 136 construction is going on . Rumor has it that a Dollar General Market is coming to town . What little I know about it describes it as a Dollar General store and a grocery market combined . I hope that doesn 't cut into Burger Market 's business . I 'm afraid it will . Colt had to pick up his tag for his car today and go to Marietta to pay his electric bill . His birthday is next week . I went to the Tractor Supply store in Calhoun to buy chicken feed , and to look for hoses for an above ground pool . Scout and Kim gave us their old one when they got another one . I went to Home Depot , a pool store , and Walmart looking for pool hoses . I found a hose set at Walmart . A lady told me she had seen some pool ducks that hold chlorine at Kmart so I swung by there and bought the ducks and chlorine and shock before coming home . I have a feeling this little bitty pool is going to be expensive . My parents used to have an in - ground swimming pool but they didn 't really like it . Momma and Daddy can 't swim and they didn 't get in it very often . The only time anyone swam in their pool was when company came . The pool was a lot of trouble and Momma didn 't like cleaning it . One time I invited several girls I knew from school . That was a disaster because one girl slathered herself in suntan oil which coated the walls of the pool which had to be wiped down at the water line . It made a ring around the pool . We never wore anything that would come off in the water . I quit inviting anyone over because I didn 't want to repeat the experience . Some people don 't have good pool etiquette . I should have spoke up when the girl put the oil on but I was trying to be nice . Most of the girls had never been to my house before . I think I 've spent most of my life being the watchdog when something goes wrong . I always have to speak up . I can remember having to follow a couple of little girls when I was a little girl because they were horrible kids who rifled through my parents belongings , opening drawers and closets , and getting into everything . I would have to say , " Don 't do that . " or " Don 't touch that . " Momma couldn 't stand it when they started snooping in everything and pulling things out they had no business touching . I hated having to watch them . I didn 't like being the ' manner police ' but I guess that 's why I 'm not afraid to speak my mind today . Momma would take me to visit their house and I had to sit still on the couch beside Momma and couldn 't play with them . I couldn 't get down , or look at anything . Momma wanted me to set a good example for them and impressed on me the importance of minding and not getting into anything . I knew better than to cross her . I never did like those little girls because I had to go around correcting them . One time they dropped my big beautiful piggy bank and busted it when I was out of my room . It broke my heart . I wanted to fill it up before it was busted . Thanks to them I would never have that chance . I used to feel so old when I was a kid . I think that is a drawback to being an only child . It 's not easy being funny and silly when you have to always be on your best behavior . The only time I remember acting like a silly kid was when I would be alone watching TV in the evening while my parents were sleeping before they had to go to work . I loved watching old movies and musicals . My favorite memory was watching Esther Williams movies . She was a famous competitive swimmer . Her underwater ballets were beautiful . I would stand on the couch and pretend I was diving onto the floor and then ' swim ' over to the chair to resume my imaginary underwater ballet . I went from chair to chair to couch and back again . You would think anyone that enamored of water ballet would have learned to swim but I was terrified of water . I didn 't learn to swim until I was a grown woman , even then , I could only dog paddle . I don 't think I 'll be doing very much diving in our 30 " pool but I can lay in the pool and pretend I am a mermaid after we get it set up . Maybe we should have a pool party . We can take turns sitting in it . Did I tell you it 's small ? I really love this warm weather . I 've already got broccoli and cauliflower out of the garden and the tomatoes and squash are growing . I really , really love summer , even if it is only spring , it feels like summer to me . That 's why we need a pool . It 's going to be a long hot summer and I need to cool off . Ah , it 's June and it 's deja vu all over again . The mouse is on the wheel ; what goes around comes around . . . again , and again . Last weekend we had a cookout at my parents house for our Memorial Day feast . Momma took care of everything like she is loath to do . She is very organized so the cookout turned out very nice . She didn 't feel like fixing everything so she served chips and bought potato salad and cole slaw . Donny , Colt and I brought Jason ( one of my ' adopted ' sons * ) with us . Scout and Kim came , too . Momma 's sisters , Patsy and Mary , were also there . I love visiting with my aunts when my parents have a party . They are fun to be around . Everyone had a good time that day . Daddy told us that Momma hasn 't been feeling well and was having trouble breathing . We were concerned that the blood clots might have come back . Daddy said Momma had been sitting on a chair pulling weeds . She can 't stand to see things get out of hand so she is always going around weeding by hand . Since she doesn 't have the energy to get around she has taken to sitting and weeding the yard . That 's how he knew she was very sick and why he took her to the emergency room . They went to the emergency room Tuesday . She has walking pneumonia . That is why she has been short of breath . It sounds strange to say , but I am so glad is was only pneumonia . Momma will have to rest and recuperate . That 's easier said than done because Momma 's a worker . I don 't know how Momma is going to be able to rest . It 's not in her nature . I wish I was more like her . Plenty more things have been going on , too . Jason 's father had to go to the hospital . He has cancer . The doctors said he has double pneumonia . I don 't understand how people can catch pneumonia , but it is still dangerous and needs to be treated by a doctor . When your body is weakened by disease , you are more susceptible . This weekend is the annual HIGHWAY 41 YARD SALE . I didn 't put anything out to sell but if you drive by the house you can still see my Confederate flags I planted in my front yard during the Battle of Resaca . If you drive up or down highway 41 this weekend be sure to go slow and watch for cars making sudden stops in front of you . You might find some wonderful treasure in someone 's front yard . Our neighbors are tearing down the mobile home on the lot next door . It had rotted down so bad they are demolishing it . I climbed on a ladder and took some pictures of it before they tore down the walls and the roof collapsed . I would post pictures but Colt 's computer isn 't working right . Live , learn , laugh and love . Nobody 's getting out of here alive . Nobody 's perfect . Try to remember you 're not Nobody . The best way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket . The old believe everything ; the middle - aged suspect everything ; the young know everything . Oscar WildeThe only thing we have to fear is fear itself . Franklin D . RooseveltLife isn 't fair and you don 't get any guarantees . " The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience , but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy . " ~ Martin Luther King , Jr . |
Destiny 's RoadChapter 1Plato once said : ' No one can escape his destiny . ' A popular TV show pointed out that ' Destiny is a fickle bitch . ' While I never really believed in destiny , looking back at my life I think they might both have had a point . In 1996 , my family moved to a somewhat small town in east Texas called Allentown for Margret , my adoptive mother , to start a new job . Of course , this had me starting high school in a brand new school ; but for a guy with no friends , that really isn 't a big deal . Our house was about a half mile from the school , close enough for me to walk , instead of taking a bus . The month before school , shortly after we moved in , I walked a few routes to Harry S . Truman High School to get an idea of how long it would take me and the best way to go . I would be walking by myself since the Jr . High , where my younger sister would be going , was further away and not in the same direction . I gave myself forty minutes to get to school that first day and took a pretty easy pace . My path had me coming into the school across what is known as the back parking lot that runs behind the school 's football field . It was small and mostly blocked from the main school , clearly either overflow for events or maybe good parking for the coaching staff . I was cutting out of the woods and just hitting asphalt when I heard the sounds . Grunts , a yelp ( or scream that was cut off before it got to full volume ) , and a bunch of scraping and thudding sounds . It was coming from between two cars off to my right . I could see a light brown head poke up between the cars a few times , before disappearing from view . There were two boys and a girl there . The guy closest to me was wearing some kind of rock band tour t - shirt , jeans with a rip just above the left knee and sneakers . He had dark hair . . . not quite black , but a very dark brown . His buddy was wearing a solid blue shirt and jeans , t - shirts and jeans seeming to be the go to clothing of choice for teenagers in the mid - 90s , along with some kind of work boot . This was the kid whose head I saw come into view a couple of times . In front of the kneeling dark haired kid was a girl lying on the ground . The light haired kid was holding her shoulders down on the ground , and had one hand over her mouth . Her shirt was torn enough that you could see her bra , and her skirt was pushed up to her waist . Her panties were torn and were only hanging onto one leg . She was kicking her feet , or attempting to , as the dark haired kid held one of her legs down while fumbling with his belt . It took about a second to take this whole scene in , but the one thing that really sticks with me was her eyes . I am not sure I will ever forget the pure fear and terror in her eyes . She saw me right as I came around the car and locked eyes with me . The pleading in her beautiful brown eyes was unmistakable as she silently begged me for help . I have never been in a real fight in my life . I had sparred in the dojo with other kids and even went to one competition the previous year , but this was different . I had never thrown a punch in anger . Actually , I 'd never felt real anger . Sure , I had been mad at my sister and mother , and even other kids , before . But that was always an annoyance kind of mad . What I felt at this moment was pure fury . I saw red . I didn 't think about it in the moment , but while this was an extreme situation I also had no idea who these people were , so looking back I am a little shocked at my reaction . I dropped my backpack , took two large steps forward , and grabbed the dark haired kid by the head . I slammed his head fully onto the back panel of the car next to him . There wasn 't much resistance to my grab and throw , since he had no idea I was there before I connected with him . As his head connected , his buddy turned to look up at me . He started to rise from his crouch , pulling his knee off the girl . This was totally the wrong move , however , as he was really off balance . Most of his weight on his back foot as he pushed up into a standing position . His hands were still lowered , just coming out of contact with the girl . I used the momentum of my movement forward and half pushing off his friend 's head with my left hand I raised my right foot and pushed into his chest . It wasn 't a kick really , I wasn 't in the right body potion for that and wasn 't able to put very much weight behind my thrust . Power however , wasn 't really needed , as he was so off balance . He fell backwards , bouncing off the front door of the opposite car his friend had hit , his head making a grazing contact with the rear view mirror . Both guys being down for a second I ignored them . I wasn 't going after them , I was just trying to get the girl free . I reached down , grabbed her hand and pulled her up . Turning but not letting go I pulled her after me , away from the two guys . Both of them were still down . They weren 't unconscious , just stunned from the sudden burst of violence against them , and being slammed against the automotive sheet metal . We cleared the small alley between the two cars , and I started pulling her towards the football field . The school lay on the other side of the field . It was then that I saw more people . In the distance was a preppy looking kid walking across the field to the school , and three other kids coming our way . The three kids coming our way did not look friendly . They looked a bit savage , and were running in our direction . One of them yelled out , A pretty sure sign this was not the Cavalry , or at least not ' my ' Cavalry . I changed the direction of our travel , not wanting to rush into these guys headlong . I rounded the car the dark haired kid bounced into and walked backwards putting a vehicle between me , the two kids just getting up off the ground , and their reinforcements . I pulled / pushed the girl behind me . " Stay behind me . If you break and run , one of these guys might veer off and grab you . Wait until I am tangled up with them , then run for the school . " Apparently , the commotion had already drawn attention , as he was looking our way . I am not sure if he was going for help or not , but he did take off towards the school . I could only hope he was getting me some reinforcements . I got a good look at these guys as they got up close . None were muscled , but also were not really out of shape . The guy in the middle was the tallest , at maybe five - eleven , with shoulder length hair that probably hadn 't seen a comb in years . His two friends were a little shorter . The long haired guy seemed to be in charge ; at least he spoke for the group as they closed . I will admit I was a little worried . The two original guys were getting to their feet and the new three were closing fast . Five on one odds is not great if you are the one . I did manage to keep my calm , however . While I am not some martial arts superstar or ninja master , I had been studying Krav Maga pretty hard for the past four years . I know that 's not a lifetime of experience , but I had been going to the dojo four times a week , every week , for all those four years . I had really focused at it , too . Krav Maga is an Israeli martial arts form that mixes boxing , Judo , Aikido , grappling , and a bunch of other forms into a fighting style focused on real world situations . The key to Krav Maga is to take the most effective and efficient move to neutralize an opponent as quickly as possible . If formal karate was the ' champion show dog , ' focusing on grace and skill ; Krav Maga was the ' junkyard dog ! ' As the guy in front lunged to grab me , I pushed his reaching arm aside , grasping across my left arm with my right hand to lock onto his wrist . With my left arm I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him into his momentum , while twisting , redirecting him in a shallow arc . Letting go , I managed to bounce him off his friend . This sent them both to the ground , gaining me a moment to deal with the guy closest to me who was already swinging a punch . Both my hands were out of position , having just let go of the kid I designated as ' leader ' in my mind , and my legs were still counterbalancing my throw . Not having any limbs to defend myself , I did the next best thing you can do to stop a punch : I took it . The thing you have to know about a punch is that the hand is actually really brittle . There are lots of little bones in there . That 's why boxers wear big padded gloves . The other thing to know is that behind your forehead is a pretty massive and solid piece of your skull known as the frontal bone . This part of your body was designed to take a blow , to protect your brain . I lowered my head , and took his fist on my forehead . This is a move I really don 't recommend to anyone . I am not going to lie . It rang my bell ! My vision grayed for a moment , but snapped back into place . I didn 't feel nausea , and didn 't have any double vision or blurring , so I felt pretty confident I didn 't have a concussion . I knew I was almost certainly going to have a colossal headache in a very short few minutes ! This , however , was probably no relief to the punch thrower . Many of the bones in his fist snapped or pulverized as he came into contact with my skull . You could hear them breaking . I think he might have broken his wrist , as well . Either way , he clutched his destroyed hand with his other , as he began to drop to his knees , yelling . Having no one else close enough , and not wanting to leave someone behind me still a threat ; I brought my body back into alignment , and pulled my knee forward against the side of his head as he was dropping . As his brain bounced against the inside of his skull , he went down and stopped moving . I didn 't put a lot of force behind it , so I was pretty sure he was just knocked out . . . but , he was definitely down . Heckle and Jeckle , the rapists from the beginning , were rounding the car as the leader and his buddy were getting off of the ground . As the leader was still within reach , I continued my motion forward from the knee strike , and started twisting . Planting my foot on the ground , I pulled around into a roundhouse kick against the leader 's jaw . I didn 't have great aim , as this is not a move I had practiced a lot . Also , I was aiming using only my starting peripheral vision . But , I did get a piece of him . Enough so that I felt the jaw pull , and I am pretty sure it was dislocated . It sent him spinning back to the ground . I followed this by pulling in the foot that had contacted him , planting it on the ground , and using my spinning momentum as I pushed out with a flat palm against his friend that was just up and starting forward again . I caught him in the chest , and really got some power behind it . It did feel like I had just dead armed a brick wall , and I knew my shoulder would complain , later ; but I was rewarded with a solid " oof " from the guy as he flew backwards , trying to suck in air . He would be down for a least a minute , trying to get oxygen back into his lungs . This cleared me to turn on his two rapist friends who had been coming at me , but were for the moment out of my line of sight . As I rounded on them , both were looking at their downed friends as they pulled up sharply . I could see them reconsidering . At that moment , shouts could be heard from the direction of the football field . Clearly , retreat seemed the better part of ' valor ' to them . I stepped back , protectively putting a hand back and grabbing the girl 's arm where she was standing in stark terror . I looked at the handful of adults just now crossing the far parking lot before getting onto our side of the football field . Confirming that the three guys wouldn 't be back up before the adults got to us , I turned around and looked into the girl 's eyes . I didn 't get much of an answer from her . Rather , I got her release of terror and raw emotions . Tears began pouring from her eyes as she was overcome with wracking sobs . She rushed forward and grabbed onto me like a drowning man would grab a life preserver , clutching me to her with all her might . " The two guys who ran into the woods were attacking this girl , and I am pretty sure they were trying to rape her . I knocked them off of her , and tried to get her out of there , when these three of their friends showed up . They attacked me , I defended myself . The two original guys just took off into the woods when they saw you coming . " " Okay . I will stay with these guys . Mr . Garcia , please take these two students to the nurse . Then call the police and an ambulance . " At the nurse 's office , it took a little coaxing , but they managed to pry the girl off me . They took her into the nurse 's office , while I was placed in a seat in the infirmary to wait . Another lady , I guess a second nurse or maybe a teacher , stayed with me . After explaining again , what had happened , I told her about the blow to my head , and asked for some Tylenol or aspirin . The headache I 'd predicted had arrived with a vengeance . We sat there , quietly , with sobs still coming out of the nurse 's office for about thirty minutes , until a police officer came into the room . He ignored me and walked into the nurse 's office , closing the door . After about twenty more minutes , he came back out and asked me to go over everything . I did . He asked me to do it again . So I told him it again . After scribbling in his note pad he stepped outside where I saw him key his shoulder mic , say a few words I couldn 't quite hear and listen to a longer unheard response . A few more minutes of back and forth continued before he came back in to talk to me . Sitting down in a chair across from me , he smiled for the first time since he had walked into the room . " So it seems you saved that little girl in there . She confirmed everything you said , to the letter , and another witness who saw part of what occurred backs up your story , too . While that was pretty stupid . . . getting into a fight with so many guys . . . you really did a good thing , today . I have to ask , what the hell did you do to those three guys ? They are pretty messed up ; and the paramedics are saying two , at least , have broken bones . " I shrugged my shoulders and said , " I defended myself . I have been taking martial arts for several years and I just kind of reacted . I didn 't really mean to hurt them , and I was trying to pull some of my punches when I knew they could cause permanent damage , but it happened really fast . This was my first true fight , so it was all adrenaline and training , I guess . " " Ha ! Kid , if this was your first fight , I would hate to see what you could do with experience . I will say we never condone that kind of violence , but if there was ever a case of self - defense , this is clearly that . The girl is headed to the hospital to get checked out , but she is pretty much begging for you to go with her . It 's all the nurse can do to keep her from rushing back in here . Until she gets checked out and can talk to someone , we really need to keep her calm . Her mother is going to meet us at the hospital , but told her daughter it was okay for you to go with her . Would you be willing to do that ? " I used the phone sitting on the counter and left a message on her voice mail , as my mom was at her new job and I didn 't have that number . Tina was at school . I figured that was good enough . Turning , I told the officer I was okay to go , and sat back in the chair . He stepped into the office again . After a second , the girl rushed out , threw herself on my lap , and went back to clutching me . She was still crying , not that I blame her . As traumatic events go , this had to be way up there . I just continued to tell her it would be okay , and rocked her until the officer finished whatever he was doing in the office , and came to get us . We went to the guy 's car with the girl maintaining a two handed grip on my hand the whole way . I am sure word of the events had spread . What seemed like hundreds ( but was probably more like dozens ) of kids and teachers watched us walk out of the office , and out the front of the school into the parking lot . The ride to the hospital was pretty quiet . They allowed me to stay in the room with her until the doctor came in . At that point , they asked me to sit outside in the hall . When I sat down a man in a suit came up and introduced himself as a detective . He had me answer all the same questions again , had me write out everything that happened and fill out a form . I had agreed to press charges on all the guys for assault and said if they found the other two guys ; I would testify that they tried to rape the girl . It was at that moment it occurred to me I had no idea what her name was . When we finished , I was told I could go in and see her , as she was going to be released shortly . Going into the room , I saw she was sitting on the bed wearing a hospital gown . She looked much calmer than before . I sat in a chair next to her . This was the first time I had gotten a good look at her . She had light brown hair that flowed part way down her back , a heart shaped face , and really expressive light brown eyes . Even in a hospital gown , I could see she was in excellent shape . Her legs were muscled , but in a very feminine way , and looked really smooth to the touch . She was completely stunning . " You know , that is pretty much the only thing you have said to me . Yeah , I 'm okay . Still really shaky , but nothing really happened . . . I mean , they didn 't get a chance to do anything to me . " " I want to say ' thank you . ' You saved my life . Those guys were really brutal and I know I was so close to being raped . I couldn 't do anything ! I don 't think I have ever been that scared in my whole life . " She pulled my hands to get my attention and shook her head . " No , I don 't think anyone would have done it . You saved me , and fought off five guys . You put your body between me and them the whole time . " She hopped down off the table and I could tell her height . She was pretty short , maybe a good foot shorter than I am , when I stand up . She plopped down onto my lap and hugged me tightly as she whispered in my ear . Apparently , there was a gang that got together a few years ago , in the middle school they all attended . It was led by a kid named Jake Masuko , the long - haired thug I had correctly identified as their leader . In the gang is his cousin Ralph , the red haired kid named Tommy , and the two that tried to rape Zoe . The dark haired kid is called Tyler Jones and the other kid was Tony Miller . They 'd had a thing for Zoe for a while , it seemed , and had tormented her all through middle school . She lived not far from me and seemed to walk the same path . Tyler and Tony must have known that was where she was going to walk , and were lying in wait for her . They had grabbed her as she cleared the woods and pulled her down , saying awful stuff to her and pulling at her clothes . That was when I made my entrance . When she finished the story , although I felt she had over - embellished my fight against the guys , her mother let Zoe go and marched over to me . She grabbed my hands and with a surprising strength yanked me to my feet . Although noticeably shorter than me , Zoe 's mother pressed me into her ample chest and did her best impersonation of a python as she tried to squeeze the air out of my lungs in what only masochists would call a hug ! She held her head against me , and her voice was choked with tears . Zoe turned to her mom . " Mom , can Cas come home with us for lunch ? I still feel pretty shaky but I 'm much better when he is with me . I don 't think the school will let us come back today , anyway , with what has happened . " I was surprised with how sad she looked for a second , " I am sorry to hear that , Cas . I think , at least until it is time for school to let out , that it would be better for you to come back with us instead of going to an empty house . You were released to the police by the school , so I have to talk to the officer for a moment about this . " " I hope you don 't mind I keep hanging off you . I am still really torn up . I feel much better when you hold on to me . " Mrs . Bell came back in the room after another minute and looked at us for a second before speaking . " The officer said it would be okay for Cas to go home with us until we can contact his parents . Zoe , you are being discharged . I need to go do some paperwork , and you need to get dressed . Cas , would you please wait outside until Zoe is decent . " The ride to her house was actually pretty short . When we pulled into her driveway I pointed out that , I lived just one street over . It was already well past lunch , the police and hospital having taken the entire morning , so Mrs . Bell made us some sandwiches with chips and a couple of cokes . " It 's okay , Mrs . Bell . Those are always the questions people ask when they find out my past . Yes , I am adopted , and I have no idea about my birth parents . I was dropped off at a hospital in New York City when I was a baby , and transferred into the Texas system the same year . They 're not really sure of my exact age . I was shifted down to Texas and moved around the foster system until the Grey 's adopted me , five years ago . " Zoe 's interest continued as she asked , " Wow . So how did you get your name ? If they don 't know how old you are , how do you know when it 's your birthday ? " " Really , it 's okay , Mrs . Bell . I don 't mind the questions , I have nothing to hide . I am not sure who gave me my name . I know it wasn 't given to me by my birth parents , as no note was left with me when I was dropped off . I can only guess that whoever picked it was either a big fan of the Narnia books , or really liked the inland seas of Asia Minor . " " I didn 't have a last name while I was in the system but they agreed to give me a note to go with my birth certificate . It does make applying for stuff hard , since on my original birth certificate it just has ' Caspian ' on it and the date is left blank . I never really celebrated a birthday when I was in foster care so about five months after I was adopted John , that was the name of my adopted father , declared that June 5th was my birthday and threw me a party . " I smiled at the memory and then frowned . " He died the next month . " " Apparently he had some kind of problem with his heart . The doctor said it sometimes beat in an irregular pattern . He had improved his diet over the previous year , cut out salt and stuff like that , and even started to exercise . They couldn 't say for sure what finally pushed his heart too much , but apparently the heart beat thing got worse until he had a massive heart attack . It 's weird , I remember it really clearly . It was a Saturday morning and he had just sat down to watch some TV with me . " " No , not really . John 's death hurt Margret , my adoptive mother , a lot . Bringing me into the family was really his idea and there are clues that she was not really on board with the idea . To her credit , she has always treated me fairly , and has taken care of me . Tina was already seven by the time I came along , and I am sure I was a shock to her previous ' only child ' way of life . So no , I am not really close to either . " " It 's okay , really . I know people hear all kind of horror stories about kids who grow up in foster care . You hear about abuse and neglect . I never really had any of that . While I wasn 't with anyone for very long , none of the families that housed me treated me bad . They were all generally pretty fair . " " I guess . That was where the Grey 's lived when I moved in with them , and we stayed there until Margret changed jobs this summer . To be honest , I really didn 't have any friends . Foster care is a pretty lonely lifestyle , and I guess I just never picked up the skills . I read a whole lot , and Margret has supported my hobbies . " Zoe hopped up and hugged me tightly . From the look on Mrs . Bell 's face , I could tell she kind of wanted to do the same thing . After letting Zoe hug me a few seconds more I pushed her gently back and looked back into her eyes . " It 's okay . My life has been pretty good and I am happy with it . It 's not the normal story but it wasn 't bad . All the horror stories you might hear about foster care didn 't happen to me and I have had plenty of stuff to focus on . " " Nothing will happen . I will even leave my door open . I am just feeling really fragile , and Cas makes me feel better . I would really like to be held while I fall asleep . " " I guess these are special circumstances . I will allow it , but leave the door open . " She turned , looked directly at me , and said , " Please continue being the gentleman you have been so far . I am a big fan of yours , right now . Please do not make me have to change my mind . " Zoe 's room was ' all girl . ' Having a sister three years younger than myself , I had seen this before ; but , if anything , Zoe 's room was more girly than Tina 's . Pink was clearly a favorite theme . I slipped off my shoes and stood awkwardly for a second . I had never had friends , let alone a girlfriend . Other than the exceedingly rare . . . and frankly , somewhat cold . . . hugs from my ' mother , ' I 'd barely had any female contact whatsoever . In fact , the hugging I had received from Zoe today had already exceeded my lifetime amount of female contact . I was way out of my depth . " It 's okay . Nothing is going to happen . I just really need someone to hold me . Don 't be nervous . Despite what my mom thinks , I don 't think I could handle a guy touching me in a sexual way right now . I would freak the hell out . " She toed off her shoes , grabbed my hand and pushed me onto the bed . I lay down and scooted back against the wall , giving her room . She lay down as well and pushed her back and butt against me , shifting for a second to snuggle in . Reaching around her , she grabbed my left arm and laid it down so she could rest her head on me . She grabbed my other arm , and pulled it across her placing my palm flat against her shirt - covered stomach . We lay there quietly for an eternity ; well , it seemed that way . It was probably closer to five or ten minutes . Her breathing started to slow down and even out . The slow rhythm of her breathing lulled me to sleep as well . A scream pulled me back to consciousness . It was getting late . The sun was on its way down , outside the window , and I was still on Zoe 's bed . She was screaming , telling whatever mysterious attacker to get away , and leave her alone . I started stroking her hair , and saying ' it 's okay , ' over and over . The half - ajar door burst open , and Zoe 's mother flew into the room . I looked at her with pleading eyes , as I continued to stroke Zoe 's hair . As her mother neared the bed , the yelling stopped and Zoe 's eyes flew open . We all stopped for a second , and everyone seemed to hold their breath . Movement returned as Zoe rolled around and clutched me , sobbing . " It 's okay , Zoe . You 're safe . I got there in time . No one is going to hurt you . You 're safe , now . " I looked pleadingly at her mother , who did something completely surprising . She smiled at me and backed out of the room . What the hell ? I thought I might have some parental back up for this terrified teenager in my arms . " I found your number in the new school directory , and called your mom at your home . I explained everything that had happened , and asked if you could spend some more time , here . I think Zoe might really need that . Your mom seemed fine with you staying here , tonight . " That last sentence was said with an unusual frown , and I wasn 't quite sure if the frown was for my staying at their house or at something else . Also , was I just told I was supposed to spend the night with Zoe ? My world went upside down for a second . For a kid who had never had friends , before , this was moving at light speed , and it was a little hard for me to keep up . " I gave her our address , and directions . She said your sister would bring over a bag of stuff . Also , I checked around here . Your backpack , with your school books , is apparently still in the nurse 's office . You can get it there , tomorrow . " As if on cue , there was a knock on the door . I sat down on the on the couch , and Zoe sat right next to me , once against pushing against me and grabbing my hand . Mrs . Bell returned with Tina in tow . She carried my small gym bag , which I always took to the Dojo . Tina was shorter than Zoe , with light brown hair that went just past her shoulders . She was really petite . Since she had never been much into sports , she was not terribly athletic . She was just past puberty and her body was just starting to fill out . Mrs . Bell escorted Tina out as I silently held Zoe 's hand . When she returned I could tell Mrs . Bell was muttering something , but couldn 't make it out . She looked up and her frown disappeared into a smile . " Okay , kids , let 's eat some dinner . You guys took a pretty long nap . Cas , after seeing the nightmare Zoe had , I think she could use your company again , tonight . Would you mind staying with us for a little while ? I plan on getting Zoe to see someone , to talk about what happened , but she seems to feel better with you here . I don 't want to take that away from her , at the moment . And , you did a good job at being a gentleman during your nap . " Dinner was interesting . We ate spaghetti and there were a lot more questions . They were all pretty much general questions , this time . Mrs . Bell told me how Zoe 's dad had also passed away , although when Zoe was much younger . They were both really interested in my martial arts , and seemed to have never ending questions about it . After dinner , we sat down and put on a movie , a comedy . I am pretty sure Mrs . Bell picked carefully in hopes of relieving some of the terror Zoe had felt , earlier in the day . I sat in a big recliner that they said had originally belonged to Mr . Bell . Zoe crawled up in the recliner with me . I won 't lie , it was really nice . I am a pretty typical male , and at fifteen years old , I really appreciated women . My lack of experience should not belie my enjoyment or fascination with them . I was certainly enjoying all the close contact I was having . However , a combination of respecting Zoe 's fragile state , her mother being in the room , and my nervousness at all the new experiences , kept me from getting excited . Thank goodness ! When the movie ended , Mrs . Bell said we both had to go to school tomorrow , so it was time for bed . She showed me the shower , guest towels and everything , and handed me my bag . Looking inside I could see a change of school clothes as well as shorts and a t - shirt , my normal sleep attire . It seems Margret or Tina , whoever packed this bag , knew or assumed I was spending the night . I took a quick shower , changed into the t - shirt and shorts , and went to Zoe 's room . She had gathered up her stuff , told me she would be back , and walked out of the room . I sat awkwardly on her bed and looked around the room . There were a few posters of popular bands , some trophies that looked gymnastics related , a few stuffed animals , and a bookshelf with a lot of books I recognized . I was just considering going to look at what books were there , when Zoe came back . She was wearing boxer shorts that showed a lot of her amazingly defined legs . My t - shirt almost covered even her boxer shorts it was so long on her . I was stunned that she had grabbed my dirty t - shirt and put it on . She must have noticed me staring at it . I had no idea what to make of that statement , so chose my normal policy of saying nothing . She came over and pushed me back on the bed . Crawling into bed , she lifted the covers over us , laid her head on my chest and threw a leg over me . After a few seconds , she lifted back up to look into my face . " You don 't have to thank me , Zoe . I did what was right , and I am glad you are okay . It works out in my favor , anyway . I think I have made my first friend . " " You have , you really have . I have lots of friends , but you are going to be my best friend . And wait till we go back to school ! I know my other friends are really going to like you almost as much as I do . " With that , she leaned down and kissed me . It wasn 't passionate . It was closed - mouthed , soft and tender , and felt like a thousand volts of electricity were shooting through my body . It seemed to go on forever , before she pulled away . She once again looked into my eyes , and smiled . |
New Year 's Day was a quiet affair around the ranch . CJ had decided they would be closed and the guys could do what they wanted to do . Of course , most of them opted for riding either in the ring or on the trail . " Well , after we spent all summer together , we realized that the long distance thing was just not gonna work . At our ages we want a boyfriend we can spend time with and be with all the time . We tried to make it work , but we are both so busy , Noah with school and me with the ranch , that we were going days without speaking and then weeks without seeing each other . " Nick sighed . " Sorta . I was holding on tighter than he was . He 's more out where he lives and his friends know about him , so they were encouraging him to get out more . He would go out with crowds , but I was just sitting around at home . " He saw the look on Zak 's face and shook his head . " I know what you 're thinking . He never cheated on me . He probably could have , but we talked and decided that neither of us were getting what we wanted out of the relationship . So I was actually the one who let him go . In the meantime , Mike had moved to town over the summer , and we became friends when school started . We spent a lot of time together ; since he had a car , we could go to the movies and out to eat . We both were getting ' vibes ' from the other , but it took us forever to come out to each other . Mike laughed nervously and shook his head . " I had actually never even been near a horse till I went to Nick 's . He 's trying to teach me but it 's slow going . " Nick wrapped his arm around Mike 's waist . " He 's exaggerating , he 's getting better . It 's only been a few weeks since I started teaching him . " Nick smiled . " Just like I said . Noah and I both found out what it was like to have someone we could be with all the time and when he went back home , it was too hard to go back to being ' cyber ' boyfriends . We kept trying to sync up and get together , but he still hasn 't got a license and I don 't have a car yet . My brother will let me borrow his , but not for a trip that long . " " He 's awesome and so sweet . " Nick grinned with a faraway look in his eyes . " It was different , being friends first . After we came out to each other , we still wanted to go slow and stay friends . We would go to the movies or out to eat . Sometimes just us and sometimes with his little brother or my cousin . One night after a movie we stopped at a Wendy 's to grab something to eat . He pulled around to the back so we could eat and talk . Out of nowhere , it started pouring . It felt kinda romantic to be sitting there together in the rain , but then there was a huge bolt of lightning and the loudest clap of thunder . I hate thunder more than almost anything and I jumped . Mike wrapped his arm around me to make sure I was ok . I turned my head to thank him and he kissed me . Not hard or anything , just a gentle sweet kiss . My stomach flipped . He pulled back and looked at me like he thought I 'd be mad . He asked me what I thought . I leaned forward and kissed him back . That night we decided to be boyfriends . " It was the first day back at school after Christmas break . Ace was driving Mattie , Jesse and Devon , since they would all come from the ranch . Zak would pick up Dylan and Spin . " Ok . But promise me , if it gets any worse , you need to see the nurse and have her call your mom . There are so many bugs going around this time of year . " " I should be able to make it through the day . It 's the first day of the semester , so there shouldn 't be too much to do . I 'll probably have my mom come and get me after school and go home . " " Hey . " Jesse smiled as Dylan got out of the SUV . When he saw the look on Dylan 's face , he frowned . " You look awful . " Dylan and Jesse and Ace and Devon all headed to the office to get Devon and Jesse situated . Since Zak 's mother , Kate , was the president of the school board , the boys already knew their classes were taken care of and they had their schedules . They had to meet in the office for a new student orientation which would take place during first period . After they dropped their friends off , Ace and Dylan headed to class . Ace would see Devon in most of his classes , but Dylan and Jesse didn 't have a class together until their last - period PE class . Jesse and Mattie were both sophomores , so they had several classes together . Zak had managed to schedule a study hall for his first - period class . Juniors and seniors were allowed to take their study hall in the cafeteria . After grabbing a bagel and a cup of coffee , Zak went and found an empty table . Since it was the first day of classes , he didn 't have any homework , so he pulled his phone from his backpack and checked his e - mail . Zak looked up to see Erik Chen standing at his table . Zak knew Erik from the Gay - Straight Alliance . Erik was a junior . Zak didn 't know him too well , but he had always seemed like a nice kid . He was about 5 ' 5 " , with short black hair and black eyes . " Great , " Zak answered . " We weren 't open at the ranch every day , but the days we were it was busy . It was hectic but lots of fun . My brother started training us for some competitions this spring . " " Actually , I have one horse that 's mine , one that is technically mine and my boyfriend , Dusty 's - - though Dusty never rides him - - and I also ride my brother 's horse . Well , right now we 've sorta switched horses . My horse , Onyx , is really a dressage horse and I 'm not really good at that so Danny is working with him . And then I 'm using Danny 's horse , Angel , for jumping and show classes . My friend , Dylan , is using my other horse , Apollo , for jumping and shows until his horse is well enough to do it . " Zak took a breath and grinned . " Sorry , when you get me talking about the horses I tend to drone on . " Erik laughed . " No , that 's cool . I know you and some of the other guys in the GSA ride out there and I 've always been curious about it . " " You 'll have to come out some day , " Zak suggested . " We 're there every day after school . Sometimes , Mattie or Spin have a lesson to give , but most days we just practice or go on a trail ride or just hang out . If you ever want to go out , just let me know . Do you have a car ? " " Ace Evans … his dad is the ranch manager . He 's a junior , but he just started in October . You may have seen him at the GSA meetings . Really tall , cowboy … " " I don 't know . It 's a mess right now at home , " Erik said , exhaling . " I had a date with a guy I had met at the mall . He goes to Central over in Derry . He asked me to go out for coffee a couple of days after Christmas . We went to a coffee house in Derry . Since I wasn 't out , I didn 't want to run into anyone I knew . " He looked at Zak . " Of course , best laid plans … " Erik nodded . " Yep . One of my mom 's friends . We were leaving the coffee house and he just gave me a quick kiss . She must have driven by at just the right time and seen us . The funny thing is she was happy for me when she mentioned it to my mom . I 've known her for years and she must have suspected about me and was happy that I had a date , but she didn 't realize my parents didn 't know . " " Oh , yes , " Erik nodded . " She happened to mention to my mom that she had seen me on my date and wanted to know if I had a good time . My mom of course had no idea what she was talking about . " " No . I was out with some friends and she told my dad and when I got home … all hell broke loose . I didn 't think they were homophobic or anything ; I think to them it 's ok to be gay , but it 's not ok for me to be gay . " " Ouch . That sucks , " Zak said . " I didn 't know you were gay , Erik . Besides your parents , are you out to anyone else ? " " Not really . Some friends I have online , but not at school . I joined the GSA to kinda see if there was anyone like me and maybe make some friends . But , I 'm still sorta feeling my way . " " That 's cool . I was the same way . I wasn 't out until I started at the ranch and met my boyfriend . Now , I still don 't think of any of us as ' out ' - - well , maybe my brother , Danny , and Mattie 's brother , CJ , cuz they are practically married and have a baby . But the rest of us just don 't hide . We 're not out and we 're not in , we just are . " " I bet they will , " Zak replied . " Give them time . If they didn 't have any idea they may have just been surprised . Give them a chance to adjust . As long as you know they don 't have a problem with homosexuality , then they should be good with you . " " I hope so . It 's only been a few days since the blow - up and I 've pretty much avoided them . I 'll talk to them later and see how things are . " " Well , I think we were both just looking for a friend , someone to talk to and confide in , since neither of us was officially out . He 's really nice , but there wasn 't any real spark there . Plus , he 's really good - looking so I don 't think he 'd really be interested in me . " " Erik , have you looked in a mirror lately ? " Zak asked . " You are a really good - looking guy . You look like you have a pretty good body ; you have really nice eyes , of course - - and I 'm partial since my boyfriend has black eyes too . Don 't sell yourself short . I know that it 's hard sometimes to see ourselves like others see us . Dusty is always telling me that I 'm beautiful and I don 't see it , but he loves me , so I just let him think what he wants . " " No , he 's at the Vocational Center . " Zak started playing with his phone and found a picture he had taken a few days ago of Dusty . He handed the phone to Erik . " There he is , the love of my life . " " Ace 's friend , Devon . He just moved here from Texas . His dad 's in the army and got transferred to Germany and Dev didn 't want to go , so he came to stay with Ace and his dad at the ranch . He 's a little different , but he 's a really nice guy . " Zak nodded . " That 's him . He 's a really nice guy . He just got here last week , so I haven 't spent a lot of time with him , but he 's an artist - - you should see some of his drawings and paintings . He 's funny . He had a rough time in Texas , because he 's very out and he got picked on some . He dances to his own drummer , as my mom would say . He hangs out with us in the afternoons - - if you want I can introduce you at lunch . You can sit with us if you don 't have other plans . " Zak shook his head . " Nope , not anymore , you come and hang out with us . Even if you and Devon don 't hit it off , at least you 'll be with friends . " " I think so . He spends so much time on it anyways . But , it will be good for him to have someone who knows that stuff encouraging and working with him . " Devon sat in the art studio waiting for class to begin . So far it had been a pretty good day . Ace had been in most of his classes , and Zak had been in the ones that Ace wasn 't in , so he hadn 't felt completely lost or at the mercy of the teachers and students as the ' new kid ' . This class was actually the only one that he was in without his friends , but it was also the class he was looking forward to the most . He had spent his lunch period with Miss Crenshaw , the art teacher . He had shown her some digital pictures of his paintings and drawings and she was very impressed with his work . She had given him some ideas about projects he could work on in class and on his own . It was an advanced class and the students all worked in different mediums . She knew Devon specialized in painting and drawing , but he had also delved into photography some . She allowed her students to work on whatever projects struck their fancy . For this class she felt her role was only to offer guidance and critiques of the student 's work . All of the students in this class would be participating in an art show for the school at the end of the semester . A couple kids came in and nodded and waved to Devon . A few of them he recognized from other classes . He didn 't know their names , but he nodded and smiled . If he was going to make some friends away from the ranch , this was going to be the place . The boy looked like he was about 6 ' , probably an inch or two shorter than Ace , but he looked like he carried about twenty - five to thirty more pounds of muscle on him . He had short brown hair and brown eyes . He was dressed rather conservatively in khaki slacks and a white button - down shirt . Something about this boy had Devon feeling things he hadn 't felt for anyone other than Ace . " Yeah , I just moved here from Texas over the break . My dad 's in the army and he got transferred to Germany . I didn 't feel like spending my last two years of high school over there , so a friend of mine invited me to stay with him . " " Well , my friend knew I was into art and his friend 's mom is on the school board so I guess they pulled some strings for me . I don 't know what they actually did , but I 'm really glad to be here . Especially since the alternative was PE class . " The boy nodded . " Most people think the same thing . My parents , especially my dad , push me to be big in sports like my older brothers were . I could leave it anytime . But it keeps the peace at home . I like being in here better . It 's quiet and I like the work I do . " The boy smirked . " Well , it keeps the parents happy and off my back . They 're not happy about the art thing , but what they don 't know … " " Well , that 's good for you then , " the boy nodded . " My parents don 't give a lot when it comes to letting me do what I want . The only battle I won was getting them to let me ride . " " Sure do . My friend that I moved here to stay with , he got me started in Texas . I love it . I don 't compete or anything I just like to ride for fun . " " No . My mom went to Europe and bought me a real expensive horse for eventing and he and I didn 't get along . He was a great horse , but I really didn 't want to compete . I just wanted to ride . So she sold him and then still had me taking lessons and pushed me to compete . Finally , over the summer I told her I just wasn 't interested in riding anymore . " " You 're kidding . " Devon shook his head . " That sucks . Especially if you are doing things you don 't like just to make them happy , you 'd think they could do something to make you happy . " Devon laughed nervously . " It 's just you are very handsome and from the looks of things are in very good shape . I love doing life studies . Most of the ones I 've done have been of my friends . I 'm not looking to do nudes or anything like that - - maybe shirtless , but mostly just the way you are now . It wouldn 't take much time . I have an almost photographic memory . I spend a bit sketching and then between my sketches and my memory I can usually just finish things off . " " Sure . Like I said , you are a really good - looking guy . You 'd make a great model . " The boy had an unsure look on his face . " I 'll tell you what . My car is supposed to be dropped off today . We had it shipped from Texas . So tomorrow I can drive myself to school ; we could stay after and I could do some quick sketches just to give you an idea of what I want , then you could decide if you want to proceed . " " Cool . " Devon grinned as the bell rang . He gathered up his stuff . " Well , I gotta go meet my friends , so I can get a ride home . " He turned and offered his hand to the boy . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't even introduce myself . I 'm Devon . And you are … " " No . Once Pete realized that Uncle Juan was serious about hurting Mattie to get to his trust , he went straight to Dad , " CJ said . " Dad had been suspicious of Uncle Juan for a while . Juan had made a few overtures to Dad about contesting my grandfather 's will , but Dad wouldn 't do it . Dad thought he might approach Pete and Nattie about it , so he filled Pete in ahead of time and Pete played along to find out what he was up to . Uncle Juan was a bit full of himself , and apparently he doesn 't give Pete much credit for how smart he is , so he started bragging about what he had done with the funds he had misappropriated . Pete relayed the info to Dad and Doug and they were able to track down Juan 's dummy companies and trace the money . They turned all the evidence over to the authorities in Spain and they arrested Juan this afternoon . Mom and Dad have a hearing scheduled for tomorrow so they can have him removed as trustee . Mom should be named trustee since she is Grandfather 's only remaining child . " " Well , Doug and Mr . Alvarez are going to take care of her , " Sarge said . " She wasn 't part of the plan , but Pete didn 't want to tip his hand to Juan . Apparently , she was heard on the wire that Pete wore agreeing with Juan 's plans for Mattie . " CJ shook his head . " No , Father and I agreed that it would serve no purpose to tell Mattie , especially of Natalia 's involvement . He loves her in spite of what a bitch she is . Better he still think well of her . And he doesn 't have any reason to think of Uncle Juan . " " Enough with this , " CJ finally said . " It 's over and done with . " He looked at Josh and Casey . " You guys all good with your passports ? " " Good . I want you to keep an eye on the other teams and then get with Sarge and let me know who you think we should bring to Spain with us . I don 't want to overwhelm everyone , so probably you guys and one other team will be enough - - my father has security guys over there as well . " Zak pulled into Dylan 's driveway . He got out of the driver 's seat and opened the back door for Dylan . Jesse came around from the other side of the car and the two helped Dylan out . " Oh , Dylan , " she moaned . " I knew you should have stayed home today . Why didn 't you call me to come and get you ? " Zak turned to Mrs . Summers . " We tried to get him to go home at lunch , but he wanted to be there for Jesse 's first day . I 'm sorry we couldn 't get him to go home earlier . " Mrs . Summer 's shook her head . " Thank you , Zak , but it 's not your fault . He 's stubborn . I should have made him stay home this morning , but like you said , he was so determined to be there for Jesse , and that other boy , uhh , Devon ? " Zak nodded . " Yeah , Devon . He 's Ace 's friend that just moved here from Texas ; he 's staying with Ace and Sarge . " Jesse sat next to Dylan and wrapped his arm around him . He bowed his head so that it touched Dylan 's . " Dyl , you 're burning up , " he said . Jesse shook his head . " That 's the fever . " He looked over at Mrs . Summers . " Do you have a thermometer ? I think he 's got a fever . " Her eyes bugged out when she saw the reading . " Dylan ! ! You have a 102 . 6 fever . " She turned to Zak . " Can you and Jesse just stay here with him for a minute ? I 'm going to go call his doctor and see if they can get us in today . " Zak sat on the couch on the other side of Dylan . Dylan was resting his head on Jesse 's shoulder . He looked like he was about to fall asleep . Mrs . Summers came in about five minutes later . " They 're going to squeeze us in . " She looked at Dylan asleep on Jesse 's shoulder and smiled . " Can you guys help him out to the car ? " " Hell , no ! ! " Devon shook his head . " I bought this car myself . Between the money I got for Jazz and some paintings I did , I was able to buy it . My dad was not pleased that I wanted a sports car , but he couldn 't say too much since I paid for it all myself . Kinda helped my status at that backwoods school when I came rolling up in this . " " Most days , " Devon answered . " I can stay after to work on my art projects and not make you guys wait or come back for me . Plus , it is kinda cramped in your truck , " Devon teased . " This way we can split the load . " " That should work ok , " Ace agreed . " Plus , Mattie and Jesse both turn sixteen in a couple months , so they 'll be driving too I would imagine . We 'll just rotate driving so we don 't have to take four cars to school . " " He and Jesse went to drop Dylan off , " Mattie answered . " He 's been sick all day . He should have stayed home , but he wanted to be there for Jesse 's first day . Zak and Jesse tried to get him to go home at lunch , but he kept putting them off . " " I don 't know . He said he 's had a really bad headache for the last few days and he was really pale and very tired . Hopefully , his mom will make him go to the doctor . " Just then Dusty 's phone rang . He looked at the caller ID . " It 's Zak , " he announced as he answered the phone . " Hey , Babe . How 's Dyl ? Really ? Well hopefully the doctor can do something for him . Yeah , Devon 's car 's here , you should see it . Mustang . Ok , seeya in a few . " He disconnected . " Dyl 's mom is taking him to the doctor and Zak and Jesse should be here in about fifteen minutes or so , " he told everyone . The guys all went to take care of their own duties for the afternoon . Mattie , Spin and Dusty had lessons . Ace was heading to the tack shop for his father and Devon was going to work in his studio . " It 's Dylan , " he called over to Zak . He answered , " Hey , Dyl … oh , sorry … how is he ? . . . uh huh … uh huh … ok , I 'll let Zak know … what ? " Jesse blushed deeply . " Thanks , tell him ' me , too ' . " He hung up . Jesse shook his head . " His mom said the stuff they gave him for the headaches has knocked him out . She said we could stop after school tomorrow if we wanted to . " " Oh , shit . " While Onyx had gotten better about being around people other than Zak , the farrier insisted that Zak be there when he did Onyx 's feet as Zak was the only one who could keep him calm . " Ace can bring you over after school , then . Mattie and Spin can come with me or him , depending on where they need to or want to be . " The day went by pretty routinely . The boys , especially Jesse , missed Dylan . Even though he was the quietest of the boys , they all felt his presence when he was there . After the final bell had run , Devon and TJ stayed in the art room . Since it was still early in the semester they were the only two who were staying after . Miss Crenshaw told them that she was going to a teacher 's meeting and she would be back in about an hour or so . " Why don 't we start with something relaxing and easy , " Devon said as he took TJ 's arm and led him to a small platform that was set in the center of the room for models . He grabbed a stool . " Here , sit on the stool . " TJ sat down and Devon put his hands on his shoulders and moved him into a pose he thought would look good . " Ok , just stay like that , " he said as he ran back to the desk and grabbed his sketch pad . Devon began furiously sketching . He would outline what he wanted and snap a few pictures and then move TJ into a new pose . The hour flew by . By the time Miss Crenshaw came back , TJ had modeled five different poses for Devon . " Oh , yeah . I guess so . I 've got enough to get started . But the more TJ models for me the more ideas I get . " Devon nodded . " It 'll be great . I 'll get some of you in your sports uniform and then some of you casual . We 'll do the portrait in some kind of formal wear and maybe take you out to the ranch and do some with one of the horses . You can pose with my friend 's horse . " TJ looked a little nervous . " Yeah , but it 's usually pretty quiet , so we can talk . Not a lot of kids from school come here . " TJ smiled at the woman . " Hey , Flo , I 'm doing pretty good . " He gestured to Devon . " Flo , this is my friend , Devon . He 's new in town . Devon , this is Flo Donovan . She owns the café . " TJ looked around the room nervously . " Ok , Devon . Look , I like you . You seem like a nice guy and you 're the first guy in a long time that I 've wanted to be myself around . " " I have great gaydar … and I like you too . " Devon smiled brightly at TJ . " But I still need to know why you are so freaked out and what you meant by you being an asshole . " TJ grimaced . " Yeah . They 're all a lot older than me . Bobby is the next youngest and he 's seven years older than me . But they were all on championship football teams in high school and all excelled at whatever they did . I was … a mistake - - well , not so much a mistake , I wasn 't planned . When my mom got pregnant she convinced my dad that I was going to be the girl they always wanted . Well , they were half right . " Devon shook his head . " No , you 're all boy . Otherwise , I wouldn 't be interested in you . I might be a bit ' obvious ' but I like my guys to be all man . " " Well , they started in on me as soon as I could hold a football or a baseball . My brothers and my parents were on me all the time pushing me to be the big man on campus . I hate playing football and I hate playing baseball , but I never had a choice . When I mentioned to my mom that I would like to take riding lessons , all I wanted was a chance to learn to ride , spend some time outside , just relax , no pressure . Instead she signed me up for hunter / jumper lessons , English , dressage , etc . Then she bought me that horse . Then when that didn 't work I thought she 'd let it go , but after a month she found me a new instructor and had me back at it again . I finally told her I wasn 't interested any longer so that it would stop . " " I 've only ever had one boyfriend . We weren 't even really boyfriends . He was a guy who worked at the first place I rode . He was so beautiful . We were both just coming to terms with what we were . He was more ok with it than I was , but I guess I was the aggressor in the relationship . We didn 't really do much . Kissed … a lot , and oral once . Then we had the blow - up over the horse and I left . " " Yeah , Zak . I was pretty bad to him , still am a lot of the time . I 've had run - ins with your friend Ace and some of the others . I don 't know what gets into me ; I see them getting to be happy and getting what they want and I just see red . " " That doesn 't make too much sense , TJ , " Devon said . " Those guys have been great to me since I got here . Ace is my best friend . For a long time he was my only friend . They could have helped you so much . " " You can 't change that , it 's who you are . It 's not a choice , you know that . " Devon was getting angry . " Shit ! Shit ! Shit ! Damn it ! ! " " TJ , I like you , I really do and I want to see where this might go . But , I 've been bullied and I 've watched other people be bullied simply for what they look like or who or what they are . It 's wrong . I can 't tolerate it and I won 't . You 're telling me that not only have you been doing it , but you 've been doing it to my friends … some of the nicest people I have ever met . Do you understand that Dusty or Zak or Ace or any of the other guys would bend over backwards to help a friend ? When I got here I was bound and determined to be miserable . As much as I love Ace and his dad I felt like my dad was dumping me and I had a rough time in Texas the last couple of years after Ace left and moved to Cali . Those guys ignored my shit and just accepted me . They knew I was Ace 's friend and that 's all they needed to know to treat me like family . Those are the people you have been bullying and dumping on . How can you do that ? ! ? " TJ looked down ; he couldn 't meet Devon 's gaze . He was ashamed of his behavior and the way he had treated others . This was not the first time he had felt this way , but it was the first time anyone had called him out on his behavior . " Devon , man , I 'm sorry . I 'd like to say that I can change tomorrow and it will never happen again , but I can 't even promise that … my friends … " " NO ! ! " Devon shouted . He quickly glanced around ; the café was empty , but he still lowered his voice . " Don 't you dare tell me that your ' friends ' are the ones who are going to dictate how you behave . If those jocks and thugs are encouraging you to treat people that way then you need new friends . " " TJ , I 'd love to be able to bring you to the ranch and ' introduce ' you to my friends . I 'd like to see where this would go and have you be the model for my project , but I can 't take that chance right now . This thing between us , whatever it is , it 's too new . From what you 're telling me , my friends , including the person I think of as a brother , probably hate you or at least strongly dislike you and you 've given them ample reason to feel that way . " Devon shook his head . " That 's not what I said . Look , you 've been honest with me . I can see that you want to change and that you 're serious about trying . I 've looked enough haters and bullies in the eye to know when someone is trying to bullshit me . I want to see where this is going to go . I want a boyfriend , I want to fall in love . But , I 've been out too long to go back to hiding and I 've spent too much time learning to accept myself to commit to someone who can 't accept me or themselves . " " Yes , I want to try , but until we know exactly where we are going , we are going to take it slow and we are going to be on the ' q . t . ' for a bit until I get a better handle on things . I can 't spring you on my friends just like that . " Devon snapped his fingers . " We 'll keep working after school , hang out some and see where things are going . In the meantime , I 'll start working on Ace so that he is prepared for you . I mean he 's been here the shortest period of time , so you can 't have run into him too much . Right ? " " The other one got in my face to try to help the one that was panicking . I laughed him off . Then your friend , Ace , came up behind me . We tangled , I took a swing at him . " " He 's not , he 's the most easygoing person you 'll ever meet . But , if you threaten his friends or his family , he will defend them and he will win . Those two guys you started with , Jesse and Dylan , he 's become very close with them , thinks of them as little brothers . They are really good kids and they 've both been through a lot . Like I said , I don 't know the whole story on Dylan , but Jesse ran away from home after his mom died and his best friend was killed . His stepdad used him as a punching bag . But he got out and he found Danny and CJ and they took him in . He 's a really cool kid . " Devon shook his head . " I want this to work , but there is so much bad blood here . " " Then don 't . " Devon looked TJ straight in the eyes . " Behave yourself . Be the nice guy that I met yesterday . Show me and let me show my friends that you are not the asshole bully that they think you are . Dusty must have seen something there if you and he … maybe he can remember that and forget the other stuff or at least get beyond it . We 'll take it slow , we 'll keep meeting after school and doing our work and I 'll just slowly introduce the idea of you to my friends . " TJ walked Devon to his car . Devon unlocked and opened the door and stood there looking up at TJ for a moment . TJ was about four or five inches taller than Devon . Devon wished he had worn his boots since the heels would have almost made up the height difference . Devon rose up on his toes and leaned forward . TJ leaned down and their lips brushed briefly . Mattie and Spin were giving Erik a tour of the ranch , while Zak was finishing with Onyx and the farrier . Zak thought it would be better if Erik didn 't watch his big black horse doing battle with the shoer . If he saw that , they might never get him on a horse . After the farrier had left and he had put Onyx up , Zak went to look for the others . He found them in the new arena . Mattie had Ash out and was showing Erik what the Andalusian could do as Erik and Spin watched . " Don 't worry , " Spin replied . " You and Zak are about the same size and you should see him on Onyx . It 's all about your confidence . We 'll put you on one of the more quiet ones and you 'll be good . " " Cool , " Zak said . " Come on , I 'll get you set up . It 's kinda messy outside , so we 'll just come and you can try things out in here . If you like it , then next time we can try a trail ride . Spin , can we put him on Marty ? " Zak showed him where they kept the tack and the grooming supplies . He showed Erik where Marty was and helped him lead the little horse to the crossties . Zak spent the next half hour showing Erik how to groom and saddle the horse . When they were ready he had Erik lead Marty back to the ring . Mattie was still working Ash in the arena . Zak led Erik over to a mounting block and gave him some instructions on mounting . When Erik was on Marty , Zak adjusted his stirrups and gave him some tips on holding the reins . He then led Marty around the arena at a walk so that Erik could get used to the horse 's cadence . Authors deserve your feedback . It 's the only payment they get . If you go to the top of the page you will find the author 's name . Click that and you can email the author easily . Please take a few moments , if you liked the story , to say so . [ For those who use webmail , or whose regular email client opens when they want to use webmail instead : Please right click the author 's name . A menu will open in which you can copy the email address to paste into your webmail system ( Hotmail , Gmail , Yahoo etc ) . Each browser is subtly different , each Webmail system is different , or we 'd give fuller instructions here . We trust you to know how to use your own system . 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Maggie Phoenix moved to Miami when she was five years old , her parents wanted her to be by the sea because she loved the ocean . She did come from money , but she was not a bitch about it . She actually gave away four hundred dollars once to a homeless woman , something her father did not like but let it slid . But her father had crossed the wrong people . When she was Seventeen years old , her father started to get into a shady operation but that was where the money came from . Life was very good , her mother never asked questions and neither did Maggie . But she felt something bad was to happen , and on the night of her eighteenth birthday it happened . Her life was about to change forever , the night of her birthday she was fast asleep . But her mother came rushing in and forced her daughter to hide in a secret compartment that they had created . She hid and soon she heard screams , pure blood curtailing screams . This went on for maybe fifteen minutes , she was crying and all of a sudden everything seemed to stop . She was shaken about two hours later she heard people talking , she heard someone picking at her secret place and soon saw a man she would guess mid 30 's early 40 's and when he offered her his hand she took it and began to explain what happened . He was so kind , and hoped that they would keep in close contact . Maggie opened up her eyes running what happened in her head , while she was waiting for Horatio to come out of his meeting . Since they were to get some lunch together , it had been a year since the murder but she was still hurting . She never thought H would actually keep in touch but was glad , H was all she had . Hearing something she looked up seeing Horatio and slowly stood up and hugged him , for a few moments . Horatio had gotten the phone call earlier that morning . He made his way to the phone and picked up the receiver . " Hello ? " It was Maggie on the other end of the line asking if they could have lunch together today . He had agreed and told her to come to the office and wait on him . He would have a few meetings that morning but would make sure he made time for her . He hung up and begin thinking back to the circumstances revolving his and her meeting . He would never forget it . He had gotten the call of a double homicide . The team arrived at the house and he went in and found a male and female both shot to death with visible signs of a struggle . They had canvassed the entire area until he happened upon what could be a secret compartment in the bedroom . He picked at it and found a young girl cowering inside . He helped her out and she tried her best to explain all that she had heard . It was time to go to work . Over the past year they had narrowed it down to the likely suspects and they were closing in on them . That was what the pressing meetings this morning were all about . The last meeting before lunch finished up and he made his way out of the conference room . He looked up and saw Maggie sitting at one of the desks . She got up as he walked towards her . She came to hug him and he wrapped his arms around her and held her for a few moments . " Hi Maggie . How are you doing ? It 's good to see you again . " Maggie smiled hearing his voice , it was so nice to actually be able to see him . But also knew he was closing in on those responsible for her parents murder , she had changed from those days . She tried her best to not fear , she had intensive therapy after it . Looking up into his eyes , he gave her the same look now when he found her a year ago . And today would be the first true steps of getting out there , brushing her red hair out of her face . Her green eyes looking into his , she could not help but smile even more . " I am good thank you , after what happened to my parents I had a lot of therapy but the doctor after a year of some aggressive help I only see the doctor maybe once every six months . I still have nightmares though , able to hear the men 's voice . Who would have guessed an eighteen year old would cower like a child . But I am rather happy you kept your promise to me H , keeping in contact with me . And I am glad to have this time with you " He meant something to her but did not really know what . Walking beside her she had a big smile on her face , she was really happy . And all she wanted was to be happy , sighing a bit she looked at him as they walked in the sunshine . " So how have you been ? You look good . Been keeping up with your work in the paper , I hope you are close to finding those responsible so I could look them in the eyes and ask why . " Sighing softly she felt the breeze stroke her face . Horatio was a very good man , but he seemed so lonely but perhaps it was her own loneliness staring her into the face . They pulled back from hugging but he still kept his hands on her arms . " I 'm glad that you went through with the therapy Maggie . It would benefit you in the long run even if you don 't understand it all now . Therapy as well as having and keeping friends around . I know this has been a tough year for you and I , as well as everyone else , are doing whatever we can do bring all of this to a close . " He slid his hands down her arms and walked over and grabbed his jacket off the back of the chair . " Come on . Let 's go grab some food . I 'm starving . " They walked through the offices and out the front door making their way over to the restaurant . It was only a couple blocks away and it was nice out so instead of driving they were just going to travel on foot . It would give them a little more time together anyways . ' Time needed to make sure that Maggie is really doing okay ' he thought to himself . As they walked she began talking again . " I 've been doing okay . Just putting all the extra time I have into this case . I really want to catch these guys and we are so close . " He stopped walking and reached out and touched her arm and turned her to face him . " Maggie listen . Maybe talk to your doctor about that . It may not be a good decision but then again it may bring some closure to you . But personally , I don 't know if you should try and confront these guys once we have them . You 've come a long way since them and I just don 't want that to be a cause for your progress to be set back again . " Maggie felt the contact with him and enjoyed the touch , she never trusted guys and especially after what happened to her . And really when it came down to it she tried reaching out to people but they just did not get it . She did not want to go to therapy but Horatio got her to go , by the way he urged her touched her very much . He did not have to go this far yet he did , it was strange but it was very sweet and touching . Glad that someone was looking out for her , it was such a beautiful day in Miami she never wanted to leave here . While they got to there table in the restaurant she sat down , feeling his hand on her arm as he spoke to her . And Maggie smiled at him placing her hand on his that was on her arm , looking around it felt like a big dream . " I know you are doing everything you can possibly do Horatio that is why I haven 't called you a million times to ask how its going , I trust you . Which is some of the reason I did therapy some for you but mostly for me to get back , and if you think its best I will talk to her again . And as for those responsible I wont confront them if you wish , but I would be forever grateful if you asked them why for me . I have no relationships any more , with my parents the only family . And I never had friends , always had this trust issue with me . But you are a dear friend but what I don 't understand , is you have dealt with hundreds of cases in your career why stay in contact with me ? " She asked rather curious . It was something she had wanted to know about for a very long time . They walked in out of the sun , even as good as it felt , and sat at a table waiting on the server to come by . " I 'm glad that you do trust me Maggie . I have worked hard on this case . I can 't admit it around the team but I feel I have worked harder on this case than I have any of them in a long while . But yes , I really do think that you should speak with your doctor about the situation before making your decision on it . After speaking with your doctor , if you decide that it 's not the right decision for you then yes , provided that I get a chance to confront them and talk to them , I will ask them whatever you want . " He reached across the table and touched her hand as it lay on the tabletop . " I 'm glad that you consider me a dear friend of yours Maggie . As far as why I keep contact with you . . . . " He paused and around the restaurant and then down at the table as he began speaking again . " Some don 't know that I was briefly married for a while . My wife was shot and killed by a sniper . So you see , I am like you more than you know . You were a survivor against the odds the same as I was . So we have that connection . I knew how it was for me to get through that so I can relate to what you have went through . I just want to make sure that you are and that you stay okay . " Maggie looked at him as he spoke and then when he spoke about the sniper , she had a small flashback almost . She had heard about it on the news , she was three blocks away from that spot . And knowing that she smiled a little bit as she squeezed his hand in a tender gesture of many things , she felt for Horatio and in a way it felt good to know she was not alone . Sure it was far from fair but they were stronger . Crossing one leg over the other she thought about how she should talk about that moment . " I 'm sorry for your loss , she was very lucky to have you for a husband . Even if it was just a short time , me I never got close to anyone . I was the book worm so to speak , the girl people would whisper about . Which was part of the reason I moved here , originally I am from New York City . But the kids bullied me so much , plus my father got a job offer here . But I remember hearing about her , I was three blocks away from where the shooting took place . In a way it is a great comfort to know you know how I feel . But no one should have to see someone they love , someone they care about killed . I will never understand behavior of our race I really don 't , I guess we are the survivor to speak for the dead . Not that it makes it any easier , maybe that is why I never had boyfriends or friends for that matter . Afraid of being hurt , afraid of watching the man I love get killed . " Looking down she sighed silently , stroking her thumb over his hand . " No Maggie . I was the lucky one to have her for the short time that I did . That sniper took something away from me that day that seemed to harden me for a long time . But then I was able to rid myself of the anger from it and it made me better at what I do now I think . Most see me as serious , direct and straight to the point most of the time . But I 'm able to use that straight forwardness and stay calm in each situation to deal with killers as well as victims , such as yourself , that may have been through a traumatic circumstance . I honestly don 't understand the nature of our race either Maggie . But me as a person and as my job requires , I feel just as you do . We have to be the ones willing to speak out for the innocent people that get needlessly killed . However , you can 't let those fears that you have stop you from being happy and moving further along in your life . " She could still hear the hurt in his voice , that was very easy to hear . But he seemed to be at peace as much as he could be . Looking down for a moment she silently sighed , she wondered if she would ever be happy . She knew it was most likely selfish to even think of such things now , but her eyes could show a lot of people to the right people . She was a vulnerable girl and did not like it , being nineteen with nothing left . But smiled weakly hearing that he said he was the lucky one . She had ordered a diet soda and sipped on it when the drinks came . " Yeah I always wanted a husband and a couple of kids , but haven 't really found anyone I really connect with . So far you are the only one that I connect with , which I am grateful . Sometimes I don 't think people know just how special they are . Some do but do it in a really pain in the ass sort of way you know ? I am actually starting college classes soon , going for music . May as well have my skills and use them then let them die . My parents would not be happy if they knew I had given up music " He hated the fact that since his wife had been shot , it had caused him to be more reserved as far as personally caring for someone in some ways . He still completed his job as best as he had ever done as he took time to make sure innocent victims made it trough circumstances . But as far as opening up to people , that just wasn 't him anymore . " I 'm glad that you feel connected to me Maggie . You need someone as a friend that you feel can be there for you whenever you need it . If you can 't seem to find that anywhere else for whatever reason , I 'm glad that you can find it with me . And I 'm also glad that you have that gift that you are choosing to take classes and develop it farther . I hope to be able to hear you perform one day . " As he finished talking , he took a drink as he just looked at her . Finally their food showed up and they both began picking over their food and simply being there for one another in that time . He thought back again how he had become so reserved as far as everyone else was concerned , but he saw that she needed someone that she could communicate with and he was trying to himself back up with her . Maggie smiled at him he was a soul that needed another to bond with , that was easy to tell . And the smell of food filled her nose looking at it , Maggie was a simple girl and crossing one leg over the other as she took a bite of her burger and wiped her mouth with the napkin she had . Talking to Horatio made things easier to deal with . And really she cared for the man , he was rather magical in his own way . The way he talked , how he moved . Everything was rather nice about him , she loved his voice but would not admit that . . . yet . " Yeah I was a musical savant in school , started to learn how to play the piano at the age of two . Moved on to the violin a couple years later , always love playing classical music . Moonlight sonata was my favorite piece to learn that and flight of the bumble bee . I guess I was never much of a kid growing up , my father would tease me a lot . Say I was an old soul in a young body , I think dad had a point since I was always attracted to older men . Course there was a fifteen year age difference between my parents . So maybe it rubbed off on me " She giggled at that thought and looked at him . " I know your still hurting Horatio , your eyes always so soft yet in so much pain . I hope you will find happiness again H your very sweet and rather handsome if I do say so myself " She blushed a bit but she was being open and she cut up her pickle . " I know what others say about you , but the only person who can truly understand you is someone who knows what its like to lose someone . As you said yourself because of my parents . Guess we are kindred souls " He sat in silence eating his food as she ate and recounted learning to play music and her favorite pieces to play . He watched her as she ate and spoke . She was a very pretty girl but seemed so much older than her actual age . He noticed that he felt relaxed with her instead of being pent up and on the go constantly when his mind was focused on work . He finally finished his lunch and sat back in the chair . " I never learned to play anything . Although , I always found listening to a piano very relaxing . As well as the classical music genre . I happen to enjoy both of those pieces as well as you . I also am very fond of works by Tchaikovsky . Particularly the 1812 Overture and the Violin Concerto . There is nothing wrong with a little age difference usually . Well , within reasonable standards . " He laughed a little when she mentioned that she thought he was sweet and handsome . " Well thank you Maggie . I found you to be very sweet and very pretty as well . As far as kindred souls . . . perhaps we are . But yes I feel that it does take going through something similar to be able to fully relate and connect with someone else . " Maggie finished up her meal as she listened to Horatio speak and she knew the composer she was talking about , his music was beautiful . She just listened to everything he said , clinging to his words it was rather fun . In the back of her head though she wondered if he would ever date someone younger , course she also had no idea how old he was either not that it mattered . She found herself having a special place in her heart for him , perhaps even love though she had never felt love for someone out of family . " Aw yes Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky very popular Composer I studied him in high school , was rather fun . Yeah I loved those pieces myself they were very beautiful and well thought out as well . Actually about six months after you found me I actually wrote up a song on my violin something that you inspired . Finding inspiration is very rare any more , but I am curious Horatio would you ever date a younger woman ? " She decided to go for it what the hell , its not like she was asking him out on a date . As he sat back in the chair , he watched her talking as her eyes played back of forth from him to around the table and the restaurant . He knew she wasn 't really nervous because they seemed to get along great and be comfortable with each other . But he couldn 't place what it was that would cause her to seem so restless . He put his hand on his chest as she told him that she had written a piece inspired by him . " Really ? I inspired you to write a piece . Wow . I 'm shocked . . . uhhh . . . flattered actually . " He dropped his hands down and interlocked his fingers from each hand and rested his forearms on the arms of the chair . " Date a younger woman ? " When she asked that he began to understand he thought of maybe why she was looking around and beginning to act different . " Uhhh . . . well maybe . I guess it would depend on the situation . " Maggie was not looking around like she was because she was nervous but something felt very wrong . Hearing what he said she smiled a bit sighing a little and chuckled . " I think your the only one who can read me I am not nervous asking the question of you dating a younger woman . I am nervous because I feel something is wrong in the pit of my gut , like we are being watched you know ? Usually when I am at my happiest seems like things come tumbling down " She sighed a bit and chuckled a bit . " Oh and what situation would that be Horatio you have me curious " She said with a kind smile on her face , getting rid of the feeling like someone is staring feel . She was much more comfortable and stopped looking around all over the place , she just was a young woman interested in someone much older then she was . Perhaps it was doom to not ever happen , but she could not help but want to try it any way . " I ask because I was going to ask you out tonight if you were free . You want to hear me play , I play at the club close by here tonight " Horatio raised up in the chair still having his fingers locked together and placed his hands and forearms on the table top when she mentioned the feeling she was getting that maybe they were being watched . He began looking all around the restaurant at every table he could see . He knew it was possible that it could happen even though he hoped no one would take the chance . After all , the killers had to know by now that the cops were onto them and getting close . So there was no telling what they might be willing to try . He took a slow , deep breath and smiled slightly when she asked about what a situation could be . " Uhh well there 's not really a set situation . It just depends on what kind of connection that gets made between me and someone else I suppose . You 're asking me out ? Umm wow . . . ok . I have a few more files to go over at the office but then I should be free by late afternoon . And yes , I would love to hear you play . " Maggie saw the surprise when she invited him to the club and chuckled a bit " You have a cute face when you are surprised . I love it when you smile , wish you would do it more often . But with your job I could see why you would train yourself to always be ready , sometimes I Just get a bad feeling I can 't shake you know ? Thankfully it does not happen to me very much , but H there is another reason why I wanted to have lunch with you . " She said sitting back and grabbing her purse , she took out a baggie . " I was cleaning up my home , still trying to get my parents things out of the house . And when I was cleaning I found this , its some kind of card . But it 's covered in blood and I can 't make out what it could be , so I carefully moved it and put it in the baggie . I used tweezers to pick it up , I don 't know if its relevant to the case . But I wanted to give it to you any way , it was actually under a small book case . Sometimes when I have dreams about it , seems I keep remembering small details but I would reorganized there voices in a heart beat " She said as she slid over the card and pulled back , hopefully it could still be used . She did not know really much just that she had to be careful when she bagged it , which she was actually . It helped to know someone who taught her proper procedure to obtain evidence . But she had a good feeling here . And when he agreed to go out with her she smiled . " And sounds like a date actually . I maybe to young to drink but they let me play there , helps clear my mind you know ? get away from life for a few hours " " Well Maggie I 'm in a god mood more often than my face may show . I suppose it could be a life of this job I deal with . After a while you see so many bad things that it hardens you to a point . You may be feeling great inside but it 's just being a victim of circumstance that seems to not allow you to be able to show it on the outside . " He watched as she pulled out the baggie with the bloody card in it . He took it in his hands and looked at the card through the plastic . He knew it had to be hard for her to see this because there was no doubt in his mind that this was her parents blood all over it . " Thank you very much for this Maggie . You did an excellent job getting this the way you did . I will get this to the team and see if we can lift enough blood of it to get the numbers . Maybe if it does turn out to pertain to the case , we can call it and get a recording of the voices for you to listen to and see if maybe it 's the same voices that you remember from that day . " He folded the bag and stuck it in his pocket making it a point to make it a priority once he got back to the office . " Haha . It does sound lie a date doesn 't it ? We will see how it goes . And hearing you perform will maybe help clear my mind for the night as well . I could use and escape for a few hours . " Maggie smiled at it " Well helps to have a friend like you H , since you were the one who did tell me the protocol you use while collecting evidence . And I can tell what you are thinking , I don 't think that is my parents blood . The night of the murder my mother I could tell attacked one of them , and I think she may have cut one . Since there was a big struggle from one , and know she wounded someone . But its worth a look any way , I figured that is what you would think any way . We may have only known each other for a year . But I am good at seeing people for who they really are , you do great work Horatio but please don 't let it kill you . Sometimes I think I am going to get a call thinking you had been hurt or worse , you have helped me more then I Know . So you deserve to get away from your job for a little while , be happy even if its only for a moment . Life can pass you by if you allow it to , and me I will not take things for granted . What I have learned about life H is that the hardest thing in this world is to live in it " Eden said with a determined look , reaching again into her purse taking out the card where she would be . " well I am not sure if you want to pick me up or meet up at the club , but this is where I am going " She slid the card over . " And don 't be surprised if I dedicate a song to you " Placing her hand on his she squeezed it in a sweet manner . " seems nice to have someone who understands the hardships of people . I actually thought about moving out of Florida , but now I realize my place is here . To continue life the way I know my parents would have wanted " " Maggie , if your mom cut someone and we can sample their blood then that will really help the case . For now we think we know who it was and that 's why are narrowing down on them . If we could get blood to match someone then that would be concrete and it would all finally come to an end . I think I 'm careful enough to not get killed , but there is always the unexpected . I try not to think about it much but it 's always there in the back of mind that it could happen . It 's part of the life that 's me . It 's what I 'm used to but I don 't let it control me . " He took the club card from her and looked at . " We can do it either way . we can ride together or I can meet you there . And I think it would be nice if you dedicated one to me . And I for one would be glad if you stayed here Maggie . I enjoy your company . " Maggie smiled at him and listened to what he said , she loved hearing what he thought on things . And smiled w hen he said he was glad she stayed , it was nice to be good company for someone made her feel good . Her grey eyes looking into his and nodded , he was the kind of guy that actually gave her the time of day . It was nice to have someone to lean on , so to speak any way . Finishing up her drink she was thinking about H there was something very interesting in him , another reason she enjoyed talking to him . " Nice to know I am good company for someone , I never really acted much of a kid . I mean sure year one to the age of five I just seemed to grow up much faster mentally and emotionally . Perhaps that is why no one had anything to do with me in school , but I don 't worry about it . You are great to hang out with , I always feel safe when I am with you . Hopefully my mother did injure one , but I know in time you will catch who did this . Course your the only one I really have faith in , you and your team you work with " " Well Maggie , rest assured that won 't give up until we do catch whoever did this . The same way with all of our cases . That is my promise to you . But speaking of me and my team working together , I better be getting back to find out if anything new is going on and to get this card into the lab to see what leads develop from it . And you need to go and get ready for tonight . I can 't wait to hear you . I will be at the office the rest of the afternoon but call me and let me know whether you want me to pick you up or just meet you there . Either way is fine with me . " Maggie smiled and nodded when she got up and got her things , looking at him . " We can meet each other at the Club Horatio then you can take me home , need to set up tonight so it will be fun . " She said and kissed his cheek , she was happy when she was around him . Made her feel like she was worth something , but wanted to surprise him with a song and what she would wear . She had no idea what she was up to . Kinda funny really , but she just shook that out of her head . She was glad he was coming . When she left she went on home to get ready , since they were meeting at the club she wore her best clothing . She had on a black think strapped dress that had specks of red , yellow and blue coloring . And wore black high heels , and wore just a little makeup nothing big . Wore some eye liner , and lipstick . Putting her hair up in a french braid and was ready to get going , she walked over to the club since she had five extra minutes . Leaning against the inside of the club where they could see each other when he got there . As she stood , H raised his hand and put in on her back as she kissed his cheek . " Ok . That sounds good . I will try and leave a little earlier to get ready and just meet you there then . Be careful Maggie . See you this evening . " With that , they both left the restaurant and as she went one way he turned and went the other , headed back to the office . He made his way to the lab and dropped off the bloody business card for a rush and then made his way back up to his desk . The rest of the day was uneventful with no new developments really . The end of the day came and he made his way out of the office and home . He showered and changed into his slacks and a button up shirt . He stopped and looked in the mirror . ' Hmm . Look the same as I always do ' he thought . He made his way out and drove towards the Club . He parked around back and walked back around to the front door . He made his way inside and saw Maggie leaned against the wall . He walked up and kissed her cheek . Maggie was rather excited to be doing this , her heart was racing she was so nervous . And was hoping that she looked okay , she wore gold hooped earings something she did not do much of . She wasn 't the kind of girl who would dress up like this , but it was rather special tonight . So she wanted to dress good for Horatio . She heard the music and knew this was going to be her first time to perform in front of so many , normally she performs on a day not many where here . And she saw the door opening . Smiling she saw Horatio and smiled more when he kissed her cheek . " Hey H thank you , your very sweet . You look handsome , course you always do to me " She chuckled a little bit . She took his hand gently in her own and had a spot for him that he would be able to see very well . And looked at him again . " This should be fun something different for you " She chuckled a bit . Things would be rather interesting tonight , she knew that all to well . But she was not worried about what may or may not happen . But then she heard the music stop and knew they were getting ready for her , looking down she closed her eyes , doing some breathing exercises that she did when nervous . " Well Horatio wish me luck , usually when I sing its not in front of so many " She smiled big time at him , but something in his eyes made everything seem perfect . And knew this song was for him and no one else . |
There was a case in one hospital 's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed , on Sunday morning , at about 11 A . M . , regardless of their medical condition . This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural . No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A . M . on Sundays . A Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents . The next Sunday morning , a few minutes before 11 A . M . , all the doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about . Some were holding wooden crosses , prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits . Just when the clock struck 11 . . . Pookie Johnson , the part - time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner . Having a Bad Day ? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $ 80 , 000 . At a special ceremony , two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers . A minute later , in full view , a killer whale ate them both . Still think you are having a bad day ? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically , almost in a dancing frenzy , with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle . Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current , she whacked him with a handy plank of wood , breaking his arm in two places . Up to that moment , he had been happily listening to his Walkman . STILL think you 're having a bad day ? Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly , all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence , stampeding madly . The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death . What ? ! STILL having a bad day ? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn 't pay enough postage on a letter bomb . It came back wThe next time you 're having a bad day , imagine this : You 're a Siamese Twin . Your brother , attached at your shoulder , is gay . You 're not . He has a date coming over tonight . You only have one ass . An American tourist was visiting a small village in Ireland when there was a sudden gust of wind which blew his hat off into the middle of a nearby pond . Walking over to a young boy who was sitting beside the pond , the tourist asked , " Say , son , how deep is this pond ? " " Oh , only a few inches , " replied the boy . After taking his shoes off and rolling his trousers up over his knees , the tourist stepped into the pond to retrieve his hat and , within a few seconds , was completely submerged in the water . Swimming out to the middle of the pond he finally reached his hat , and then struggled back to edge . Climbing out , he turned towards the boy and screamed , " Hey you , I thought you said that pond was only a few inches deep ! " " Well , " shrugged the boy , " the water only comes half way up that duck over there . " Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill . Ten minutes later , MY sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone . On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived . It was very crowded at the supermarket , and the customer in front of me had a large order . As the harried - looking clerk lifted the final bag for her , its bottom gave way , sending the contents crashing to the floor . " They just don 't make these bags like they used to , " the clerk blurted to the customer . " That was supposed to happen in your driveway ! " Back to the Top A Waitress With a Bad Credit Card A seventeen - year - old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months . Very worried , the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit . The test result shows that the girl is pregnant . Shouting , cursing , crying , the mother says , " Who was the pig that did this to you ? I want to know ! ! " The girl picks up the phone and makes a call . Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house , a mature and distinguished man , with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house . He sits in the living room with the father , the mother and the girl , and tells them : " Good morning , your daughter has informed me of the problem . However , I can 't marry her because of my personal family situation , but I 'll take charge . If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores , 2 townhouses , a beach villa and a $ 1 , 000 , 000 bank account . If a boy is born , my legacy will be a couple of factories , and a $ 1 , 000 , 000 bank account . If it is twins , a factory and $ 500 , 000 each . However , if there is a miscarriage . . . " At this point , the father , who had remained silent all this time , places a hand firmly on the man 's shoulder and tells him : " You 'll fuck her again ! ! ! " Once there were two twins , Joe and John . Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat . It so happened that John 's wife died the same day that Joe 's boat sank . A few days later , a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John . She said , ' I 'm sorry to hear about your loss . You must just feel terrible . ' Joe , thinking that she was talking about his boat , said , ' Heck no in fact is I 'm sort of glad to be rid of her . She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning . Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish . She was always losing her water , she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too . Every time I used her , her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy . I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time . I warned them that she wasn 't very good , but they wanted to use her anyhow . The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle . ' The old lady fainted . There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm , and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner . The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree , and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly . The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied , then he would start again with another pig . The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment . Finally , he could not resist saying to the farmer , " This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine . Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground ! " While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis , we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand . " What are they doing ? " I asked our tour guide . " Each year , " he replied with a grin , " The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard . " Ever Want to Curl Up and Die ? I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly , " How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job ? " I turned around and walked back out and never went back . My husband didn 't say a word . . . he knew better . Melinda Lowe , 39 , Seguin , TX Pad , please ! An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance . He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me , and I wanted to follow as best I could , so I told my 6 - year - old son to run and get me a pad . He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest . Kathy Newman , 46 , Winston - Salem , NC Ho , Ho , Ho I was taking a shower when my 2 - year - old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper . Although he made a mess , he looked adorable , so I ran for my camera and took a few shots . They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards . Days later , a relative called about the picture , laughing hysterically , and suggesting I take a closer look . Puzzled , I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son , I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera ! = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Name Withheld Lady Golfer I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls . I was unhappy with the women 's type I had been using . After browsing for several minutes , I was approached by one of the good - looking gentlemen who works at the store . He asked if he could help me . Without thinking , I looked at him and said , " I think I like playing with men 's balls . " Colleen Collins , 31 , Fernda ! le , MI Nuts about You My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts . As we were looking at the display case , the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help . I replied , " No , I 'm just looking at your nuts . " My sister started to laugh hysterically , the boy grinned , and I turned beet - red and walked away . To this day , my sister has never let me forget . While in line at the bank one afternoon , my toddler decided to release some pent - up energy and ran amok . I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons . I told her that if she did not start behaving " right now " she would be punished . To my horror , she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening , " If you don 't let me go right now , I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy 's pee - pee last night ! " The Silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange . Even the tellers stopped what they were doing . I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow . The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter . Diane E . Amov Ask a child the same question too many times . . . Have you ever asked your child a question too many times ? My three - year - old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly . One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands . It was very busy , with a full dining room . While enjoying my taco , I smelled something funny , so of course I checked my seven - month - old daughter , and she was clean . Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while , so I asked him if he needed to go , and he said " No . " I kept thinking , " Oh Lord , that child has had an accident , and I don 't have any clothes with me . Then I said , " Danny , are you SURE you didn 't have an accident ? " " No , " he replied . I just KNEW that he must have had an accident , because the smell was getting worse . Soooooo ! I asked one more time , " Danny , did you have an accident ? " This time he jumped up , yanked down his pants , bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled . " SEE MOM , IT ' S JUST FARTS ! ! " While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing ! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down . An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for The best laugh they 'd ever had ! = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen . Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way , it was not long before the job was done . As they were getting ready to leave , I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place . The two men said that would cost an additional $ 45 service fee , stating it was not in their contract . I really had no choice but to pay them . As soon as they left , however , the doorbell rang . It was the two men . They asked me to move my car , which was blocking their van . I told them my fee : $ 45 . No matter how hard my mom tries , every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care . But she never gives up hope . While she was visiting home recently , my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window . " Look , " she whispered , " death row . " We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course . Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing - persons case . " She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body , " the teacher said . " In fact , the detectives did find the body just as she had described . Now what would you call that kind of person ? " While working as a television news cameraman , I arrived at an accident scene , and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me . As I parked the news cruiser , I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers . " Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived , " he said . After living in our house for four years , we were moving out of state . My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes . Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins . " Isn 't that thoughtful , " my husband said to me . " They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff . " The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed , " Welcome to the neighborhood ! " Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father 's young peach tree for two years in a row . This spring Dad was ready . He replanted the sapling in a large box , mounted it on wheels , and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped . One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard , and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose . A neighbor watched the scene with amusement . " Frank , " he finally commented , " you 're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog ! " At a boat - rental concession , the manager went to the lake 's edge and yelled through his megaphone , " Number 99 , come in , please . Your time is up . " Several minutes passed , but the boat didn 't return . " Boat number 99 , " he again hollered , " return to the dock immediately or I 'll have to charge you overtime . " " Something is wrong here , boss , " his assistant said . " We only have 75 boats . There is no number 99 . " The manager thought for a moment and then raised his megaphone : " Boat number 66 , " he yelled . " Are you having trouble out there ? " When I worked for the security department of a large retail store , my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms . A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm , because it was not supposed to be used by customers . Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting . Even a sign with large red letters , warning " Alarm will sound if opened , " failed to deter people from using it . One day , after attending to a number of shrieking alarms , I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem : " Wet paint . " While waiting in line at the bank , a co - worker developed an embarrassing case of hiccups . When he reached the teller 's window , the hiccups seemed to have gotten worse . The teller took my friend 's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account . After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check . " Why not ? " my friend asked incredulously . " I 'm sorry , sir , " she replied , " but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount . As a matter of fact , " she continued , " our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $ 5000 . " " It can 't be ! " he cried . " You have to be kidding ! " " Yes , I am , " she answered with a smile , counting out his cash . " But you will notice that your hiccups are gone . " On a business trip to India , a colleague of mine arrived at the airport in Delhi . He took a taxi to his hotel , where he was greeted by his hospitable Indian host . The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U . S . for the fare , which seemed reasonable , so my friend handed him the money . But the host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby , calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors . The host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return . As the taxi sped off , the host gave the remaining bills to my colleague and asked him how his trip had been . " Fine , " the businessman replied , " until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk . " A couple came to the police department , wanting to dispose of some ammunition . They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II . " We didn 't know what to do with them , " the woman explained . " So all these years , we 've kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet , away from our children . " The officer assured the couple he 'd dispose of the ammunition safely . But when he took one out of the box the top came off , revealing a strange black substance . His suspicions aroused , the officer removed the top of the other shell and found a hard white substance . There was no doubt about it . They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers . My mother , my son ( who is now three years old ) and I were in a local department store . My son brought along his toy soldier doll . He ended up leaving the toy in my mother 's cart , but I didn 't know this at the time and I asked him , " Honey , where is your little man ? " He looked very confused , touched the front of his pants and said , with utmost sincerity , " It 's right here , Mom ! " I was floored , although everyone else in the store seemed to be very amused ! Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf . She designed exotic patterns with ease . There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant ( only one person spoke partial English , all menus were in Chinese ) . When she saw the hand - written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse . Some months later I saw the result , a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand - stitched down the front . She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols . He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant . " I 'm afraid to ask , " she said , " but tell me anyway . " Even she had to laugh when he told her they read , " This is a cheap dish - - but good . " A student came in , and his eyes widened . " Wow ! " he exclaimed . " You should wear clothes like that every day . You look about twenty years younger . " People in a small town can exhibit extraordinary levels of trust . I was collecting shopping carts outside the grocery store where I work when a man and woman pulled up in a brand - new sports car . Noticing the dealer plates and the price sticker on the window , I assumed the couple were deciding whether to buy the vehicle . " Test drive ? " I asked . The man gave me a long , careful stare . " I guess , " he shrugged and tossed me the keys . It seems like every time our piano tuner John comes to our house , he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings . I agree with him that it should be done every six months , but I don 't really think about it until the piano sounds off - key . The last time he came over I was on the defensive . " If you sent out a postcard reminder like the dentist , " I declared , " I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion . " He looked at me and said , " From now on , when the dentist sends you a postcard , call me . " Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills . One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement . Reluctantly , I complied . Starting with the first test on her bill , I read , " No . 1 , urinalysis . " She interrupted me at once . " I 'm a what ? " Anyone that has had a hamster should be able to relate . I had to take my son 's hamster to the vet . Here 's what happened : Just after dinner one night , my son came up to tell me there was " something wrong " with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room . " He 's just lying there looking sick , " he told me . " I 'm serious , Dad . Can you help ? " I put my best hamster - healer face on and followed him into his bedroom . One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back , looking stressed . I immediately knew what to do . " Honey , " I called , " come look at the hamster ! " Oh , my gosh , " my wife diagnosed after a minute . " She 's having babies . " " What ? " my son demanded . " But their names are Bert and Ernie , Mom ! " I was equally outraged . " Hey , how can that be ? I thought we said we didn 't want them to reproduce , " I accused my wife . " Well , what do you want me to do , post a sign in their cage ? " she inquired . ( I actually think she said this sarcastically ! ) " No , but you were supposed to get two boys ! " I reminded her . ( in my most loving , calm , sweet voice , while gritting my teeth ) " Yeah , Bert and Ernie ! " my son agreed . " Well , it 's just a little hard to tell on some guys , ya know , " she informed me . ( Again with the sarcasm , ya think ? ) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on . I shrugged , deciding to make the best of it . " Kids , this is going to be a wondrous experience , I announced . " We 're about to witness the miracle of birth . " " OH , GROSS ! " , they shrieked . " Well , isn 't THAT just great ! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies ? " my wife wanted to know . ( I really do think she was being snotty here , too . Don 't you ? ) We peered at the patient . After much struggling , what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly , vanishing a scant second later . " We don 't appear to be making much progress , " I noted . " It 's breached , " my wife whispered , horrified . " Do something , Dad ! " my son urged . " Okay , okay . " Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared , giving it a gingerly This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face . She replied , " Well , your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her . " " And why is my other sister called Moonchild ? " The mother said , " We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived . " Mother Indian paused and asked her son , " Tell me , Torn Rubber , why are you so curious ? " Years ago , CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN ' S ISLAND . There is , however , a dark secret about this " comedy " you may never have realized . The island is a direct representation of hell . Nobody on the island wants to be there , yet none are able to leave . Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins : Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits , is obsessed with her looks , and is a borderline nymphomaniac . Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger 's beauty . The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know - it - all . Mr . Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed . Mrs . Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans . The Skipper represents two sins : GLUTTONY - again , no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show . This leaves Gilligan . Gilligan is the person who put them there . He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots . Also , it is HIS island . Therefore , Gilligan is SATAN . Crazy ? He does wear red in every episode . . . Back to the Top Radio Game Yields Hysterical Results On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago , the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes . The game is called " Mate Match " . The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone . If the contestant answers " yes " , he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions . The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner ( with phone number ) for verification . If their partner answers those same three questions correctly , they both win the prize . DJ : " Great ! Then you know we 're giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win . What is your name ? First only please . " DJ : " Not that great ? ? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I 've done it . Okay folks , I will put Brian on hold , get his wife 's work number and call her up . You listen to this . " DJ : " Well , a while now . He is on the line with us . Brian knows not to give any answers away or you 'll lose . Sooooooo . . . do you know the rules of ' Mate match ' ? " DJ : " Yeah yeah yeah . Sure . Now , I will ask you 3 questions , Sarah . If your answers match Brian 's answers , then the both of you will be off to Orlando , Florida for 5 days on us . Disney World . Sea World . Tickets to the Magic 's game . The whole deal . Get it Sara ? " DJ : " Hmmmm . That 's close enough . I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood . We 've got one last question , Sara . You are one question away from a trip to Florida . Are you ready ? " With the circus in town , a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big - top . He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent . " Where 's the magic show ? " , he breathlessly asks one employee . The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute , the man rushes back to see the show . He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave . " I 'm here for the magic show " , the guy tells the magician . " Sorry pal , come back tomorrow I 'm going home . " replies The Amazing Jonas . " Look " , says the man , " I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that 's what I expect ! " Visually annoyed , the magician tells him , " Buddy , I 've been here all day and I 'd like to go home and see my wife and kids . " With that , the customer becomes more irate and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick . " Okay , you want to see a magic trick ? ! " , Jonas asks . " Pull down your pants . " The man looks skeptical but does as he 's told . " Now bend over and grab your ankles . " As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches . " There , " asks the magician . " Can you feel my finger in your ass ? " The man winces and replies , " Yeah . " The magician holds both of his hands over the guy 's back , wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts , " Ta - Dah . " Sandy and Thorn were an extremely liberal , though not especially bright , white couple . Wanting to begin a family , they decided they wanted to have a black baby . Nine months later , the fruits of their labor was born : a lovely white girl . Pleased but disappointed , Thorn decided to ask a black man at work why he thought he couldn 't make a black baby . Realizing that Thorn was somewhat sluggish , the fellow took him aside and asked , " Is your willy at least a 12 " long ? " Thorn had to admit that it was not . " And is it at least 4 " wide ? " Once more Thorn replied in the negative . " Well , man , there 's your problem ! " Black guy slapping Thorn on the back . " You let in too much light ! " Back to the Top The Optimist John was invariably upbeat , and his usual reply to any bad news was , " It could have been worse . " He began to get on his colleague 's nerves , and they schemed to find a way to make him give some other answer . Finally , they thought they had one . One day , when he came in to work , one of them asked him , " Did you hear about Ted ? " He replied , " No , what happened ? " They told him that Ted had come back Wednesday from a business trip , and caught his wife in bed with someone else , and killed the other man . John replied , " It could have been worse . " His friends asked him how it could have been worse , and he said , " He could have come home Tuesday night , when I was there . " Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage , he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child . If she stayed in Italy to raise the child , he would also provide child support until the child turned 18 . She agreed , but asked how he would know when the baby was born . To keep it discrete , he told her to simply mail him a post card , and write " Spaghetti " on the back . He would then arrange for child support payments to begin . One day , about 9 months later , he came home to his confused wife . Honey , she said , " You received a very strange post card today . " " Oh , just give it to me and I 'll explain it , " he said . The wife obeyed , and watched as her husband read the card , turned white and fainted . " Aye , " says Angus . " I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did . Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread , Mr . MacDonald walked in . . . " One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in - law , a fellow who liked to throw his or , rather , his in - law 's political weight around . The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer . The brother - in - law got a ticket for overtime parking . He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters , waving the ticket and sputtering , " Hey , do you know who I am ? " The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly , picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor 's office . " Tell the mayor , " he said to the secretary , " that his brother - in - law is down here and can 't remember his name . " I asked him if he knew there were six naked old ladies lying on his front lawn . He replied , " Yes , I know . They 're retired prostitutes and they 're having a yard sale ! " " Guaranteed ? Yeah right ! " he thought to himself . But desperate , he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 - day / 10 pound weight loss program . The next day there 's a knock at his door , and when he answers , there stands before him a voluptuous , athletic , 19 - year - old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck . She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company . The sign reads , " If you can catch me , you can have me . " Without a second thought he takes off after her . A few miles later , huffing and puffing , he finally catches her and has his way with her . After they are through and she leaves , he thinks to himself , " I like the way this company does business ! " He 's out the door after her like a shot . This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her , but when he does , it is worth every cramp and wheeze . For the next four days , the same routine happens and much to his delight , on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs . as promised . " Everything Comes In Threes " - Not true . In reality , everything comes in ones . Sometimes , when three " ones " come in a row , it seems like everything comes in threes . By the way , in medieval times , it was widely believed that everything came in twenty - sixes . They were wrong , too . It just took them longer to recognize the pattern . " You Can 't Take It With You ( when you die ) " - Well . . . , that depends on what it is . If it 's your dark blue suit , you can certainly take it with you . In fact , not only can you take it with you , you can probably put some things in your pockets . " You Learn Something New Every Day " - Actually , you learn something old every day . Just because you 've just learned it , doesn 't mean it 's new . Other people already knew it , Columbus is a good example of this . " You Get What You Pay For " - Clearly this is not true . Have you been shopping recently ? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for . In point of fact , if you check your purchases carefully , you 'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you . And if corporations get any more powerful , you soon might not even get that . " NICE GUYS FINISH LAST " - Not true . Studies have shown that , on average , nice guys finish third in a field of six . Actually , short guys finish last . By the way , in medieval times , it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty - sixth . You can see how limited those people were . " Oh , John , it was terrible , " she weeps . " I was cooking when the phone rang . It was your agent . Because I was on the phone , I didn 't notice the stove had caught on fire . It went up in seconds . Everything is gone . I nearly didn 't make it out of the house . Poor Fluffy is gone . . . . . . . . " Back to the Top Lawnmower For Sale ( after reading this one ! ! ) GOD : St . Francis , you know all about gardens and nature . What in the world is going on down there in the USA ? What happened to the dandelions , violets , thistle and stuff I started eons ago ? I had a perfect , no - maintenance garden plan . Those plants grow in any type of soil , withstand drought and multiply with abandon . The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies , honeybees and flocks of songbirds . I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now . But all I see are these green rectangles . ST . FRANCIS : It 's the tribes that settled there , Lord . The Suburbanites . They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass . GOD : Grass ? But it 's so boring . It 's not colorful . It doesn 't attract butterflies , birds and bees , only grubs and sod worms . It 's temperamental with temperatures . Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there ? ST . FRANCIS : Apparently so , Lord . They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green . They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn . GOD : The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast . That must make the Suburbanites happy . ST . FRANCIS : Apparently not , Lord . As soon as it grows a little , they cut it , sometimes twice a week . GOD : They cut it ? Do they then bale it like hay ? ST . FRANCIS : Not exactly Lord . Most of them rake it up and put it in bags . GOD : They bag it ? Why ? Is it a cash crop ? Do they sell it ? ST . FRANCIS : No , sir - - just the opposite . They pay to throw it away . GOD : Now , let me get this straight . They fertilize grass so it will grow . And when it does grow , they cut it off and pay to throw it away ? ST . FRANCIS : Yes , sir . GOD : These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat . That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work . ST . FRANCIS : You aren 't going to believe this , Lord . When the grass stops growing Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost . This year , he told his friend David , he wasn 't going to bother and enter . " What kind of attitude is that ? " David asked . He leaned closer and whispered , " What you need , pal , is faith . Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message . " Strolling around the fair , Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared . Nothing struck him , no divine inspiration , no sign from God . Finally , while he was passing old Mrs . Kelleher 's pie stand , he glanced over and saw the woman bending down . She wasn 't wearing any panties , and suddenly her ass began to glow . Then a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it , used her ass as a table . The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek . Thanking God , Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77 . A few minutes later , the drawing was held . And once again , Paul lost . I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me . By following the simple advice I read in an article , I have finally found inner peace . . . . . . . . It read : " The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you 've started . " So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn 't finished . So , today I have finished one bottle of vodka , a bottle of red wine , a bottle of Jack Daniel 's , my Prozac , a small box of chocolates and a quart of rocky road . . . . . . . . . . . . . . You have no idea how good I feel . You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace . 1 . Do not walk behind me , for I may not lead . Do not walk ahead of me , for I may not follow . Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow . In fact , just fuck off and leave me alone . 3 . The darkest hour is just before dawn . So if you 're going to steal your neighbor 's milk , that 's the time to do it . 10 . Before you criticize someone , you should walk a mile in their shoes . That way , when you criticize them , you 're a mile away and you have their shoes . 12 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day . Teach him how to fish , and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day . 22 . Generally speaking , you aren 't learning much when your lips are moving . 23 . Experience is something you don 't get until just after you need it . Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project . It 's a drama about famous composers , starring top stars . Sylvester Stallone , Steven Segal , Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present . Spielberg was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray , as long as they were very famous . Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy , Bob . They loaded up Jack 's minivan and headed north . After driving for a few hours , they got caught in a terrible blizzard . They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night . " I realize it 's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself , but I 'm recently widowed , " she explained . " I 'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house . " " Don 't worry , " Jack said . " We 'll be happy to sleep in the barn . And if the weather breaks , we 'll be gone at first light . " The lady agreed , and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night . Come morning , the weather had cleared , and they got on their way . They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing . About nine months later , Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney . It took him a few minutes to figure it out , but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend . He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked , " Bob , do you remember that good - looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North ? " " Yes , I do , " said Bob . " Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night , go up to the house and pay her a visit ? " " Yes , " Bob said , a little embarrassed about being found out . " I have to admit that I did . " " And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name ? " Bob 's face turned red and he said , " Yeah , sorry , buddy . I 'm afraid I did . Why do you ask ? " " She just died and left me everything ! " The long walks we used to take . The long drives . The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him , and the advice he used to give ! Much was wasted because I was young when he died . If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom , I 'd be a better man . Those gems were well and good . There was a city boy who had just moved into the country . He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens . The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for . The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female . The city boy asked for both . So the farmer said , " Here you go , one cock and one pull - it . " The city boy confused asked him what he meant . The farmer said , " A cock is a male chicken and a pull - it is a female chicken . " The city boy said , " Oh , " and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm . A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale . He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was . The man said , " The ass is 15 dollars . " The city boy replied , " No , I want the donkey out side in your yard . " The man just said , " That 's an ass . " The city boy , new to these terms , just said , " Oh . " and bought the donkey . As he was leaving the man yelled out , " Wait , the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills , so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again . " So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can 't get it to move . He can 't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away . So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey . While he is doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help . The city boy thinks , ' hey why don 't I try to impress this beautiful woman by using my new slang terms that I learned today ? ' So the city boy turns to the woman and says , " Yeah , could you hold my cock and pull - it while I scratch my ass ? " I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition . Once I called on customers who sent their seven - year - old son to pay me . As he approached the screen door , I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other , which I assumed was my tip . To my dismay , he pocketed the bills before handing me the check , which was for the exact cost of the pizza . " Could that have been a tip ? " I asked , trying not to sound accusatory . " Yep , " he replied proudly . " not bad for just a walk from the living room and back ! " " Well , I went to the hockey game last night . At one point during the game , everyone was standing up . I noticed that the woman in front of me had her dress stuck in the cheeks of her ass . So , I decided to be a gentleman and pull the dress out . And when I did , she turned around and punched me in the eye . " In order to make the world a better place , the following rules will take immediate effect across the planet . 1 . It is no longer permitted to be stupid and slow . You must choose one or the other . 2 . If in the course of parking your car you are not able to maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to undergo and recover from open heart surgery , it is not permitted to park in that space . 3 . If you are waiting for an elevator that is slow to come and you are the sort of person who pushes the call button repeatedly in the belief that it will make a difference , you are no longer permitted to use elevators . 4 . Boxes of Christmas cards that carry messages like " May your holidays be wrapped in warmth and touched with wonder " must bear a label on the outside of the box saying : " Do Not Purchase - Message Inside Is Embarrassing and Sentimental . " 5 . In office buildings and retail premises in which entry is through double doors and one of those doors is locked for no reason , the door must bear a large sign saying : " This Door Is Locked for No Reason . " 6 . Liver and goat cheese will no longer be regarded as foods . In fancy restaurants , salads may no longer contain anything that can be found growing at the side of any public highway . 7 . When standing in line at a retail establishment , it is not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation regarding the weather , the health or personal relationships of mutual acquaintances or other matters not relevant to the purchase . 7a . Anyone who reaches the front of a line and says , " Now what do I want ? " and purses his lips thoughtfully or drums his fingers on his chin while studying the ordering options as if for the first time will be taken outside and shot . 8 . Any electronic clock on which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling laboriously through the minutes and hours is illegal . Also , when you are trying to set the alarm for , say , 7 : 00 a . m . and the numbers get to about 6 : 52 and then suddenly speed up and you discover that you have gone past the |
Published on Amazon ? If you have a book , e - book , or audiobook available on Amazon . com , we 'll promote it on WritingForums . org for free . Simply add your book to our Member Publications section . Add your book here or read the full announcement . Choose Love John Darrow felt his world shatter the moment he awoke . Outside , the rest of the city slept peacefully , and a beautiful woman breathed lightly next to him . Air conditioning blew across his body , but he shivered from looking at her . He gritted his teeth as he felt tears in his eyes , listening cautiously to the nearby body . He looked at her , full of peace , and felt his stomach tense . For several years , John 's life had seemed perfect . Star pitcher on the baseball team , popular , a strong leader , family money - John had everything he could have wanted . For two years , John laughed and partied with the most popular students at Albuquerque High School . Loyal friends followed him through school , breaking away only for separate classes . Girls wanted his constant attention . His father 's money supplied everything he needed . He didn 't care what his father did ; he only knew that all his needs and wants were met . John bought a car a few minutes after passing his driving test , and he proudly showed the new toy off to everyone at school . Nothing could have made his life better . Yet in his junior year , he felt his chest tensing every time he drove to school . He wanted to hit every friend who talked about who had asked who out . He turned away from conversations about parties , wondering where his former excitement had gone . One day , a friend told John about a girl he had sex with at the last party . His chest burning , John yelled " I don 't want to hear it ! " The other recoiled . " Talk about something real , not sex and partying ! " With that , he finally understood his anger . Popular kids , in the end , wasted his time . Daily talk consisted of gossip and planning for the next party . After two and a half years , John felt sick when he gossiped , and partying seemed worthless compared to a real conversation . He most hated the constant judgment . Every movement , every breath , merited discussion . He couldn 't eat , couldn 't read , couldn 't talk without someone making note and deciding whether John still mattered . Even caring about a girl as more than an object created a rift between him and the group . He once asked a girl he had met at a party to start dating him . " Sorry , " she had said , frowning . " You 're great , but I don 't want anything long - term . " John knew they talked about it , but never when he entered the room . Then , everyone acted nice , they smiled , they chatted with him . But he knew they didn 't see him the same . That day , he locked his bedroom door and lay on his bed , trying not to cry . All his feelings had erupted at once , and he needed something else . He breathed deeply and eventually fell asleep . Waking up , he felt only slightly better . Yet , an idea had come to him . If he wanted real conversation , he would find it . A way out appeared in Sarah , a newcomer to Albuquerque High School 's junior class . Tall , athletic , brown haired , and hazel eyed - she fit the physical definition of a popular girl . Her way with people made her likable , but John had noticed something different when he met her . While everyone else gossiped , she discussed the world , life , religion , and love . She could change a conversation , even if only for a second . John had met her early in the year , and had traded phone numbers with her . Since then , he had spoken to her a few times . He knew he liked her company , and he prayed she would understand his thoughts . His stomach flipped when he dialed her number . Yet even if she rejected him , he needed to try . " Well , " he said , heart jumping when she answered , " I just wanted to chat for a while . " He paused , and , when she didn 't respond , he continued , " Actually , it 's kinda serious . Could we meet somewhere ? " He arrived first , his hands shaking a bit . He ordered a chai to steady his nerves , though it brought little comfort . After about ten minutes , she arrived . " Sorry I 'm late . Traffic 's heavy . " She hugged him when he stood to greet her . That had always stuck in his mind about her . Most girls gave him a coy smile and flirted . She actually hugged him - and most others . Personal contact - something real . " So , " she said when her coffee finally arrived , " what 's up ? You sounded a little nervous on the phone . " He chuckled . " It 's complicated . I don 't know . " He paused and looked at the table . " This is weird , isn 't it ? " " Uh . . . I 'm not really sure how to say this . But . . . " He looked at her eyes , and noticed something better than her hug - she actually looked at him when he spoke . A gate broke in his mind , and words started to flow . " I 'm sick of it . Everything . Everyone I 've known at school has been fake from the start , and I don 't want any of it anymore . I 'm done . I couldn 't stomach it if I tried . " He looked away , trying to cope with the sudden flood . A small , gentle hand on his regained his attention . " Oh , John , " she whispered , " I 'm so sorry ! God , how long have you felt like this ? " She nodded . " I 've felt that way since ninth grade . When I moved out here , I thought I 'd get away from it , but I guess it 's everywhere . " A sudden smile appeared on her face . " Want to know a secret ? " He nodded , and he could feel a smile growing on his face . " It 's easier to laugh at them while they waste their time . " And he did laugh , lightly at first , then more each moment . She mentioned all the things he hated - things which not two hours ago had sickened him . And he laughed . They suddenly seemed so useless and nonsensical that he needed to laugh . His stomach ached , he worried that his chai would come back and seek revenge . But he couldn 't stop laughing . Holding his head in his hands , he couldn 't stop crying . The memories flowed endlessly , dragging him down with their waves . The night at Starbucks had been pushed aside at some point , but the memory 's return brought him no comfort . He stood and paced silently around the house . Not his house - he wouldn 't dare bring another woman to his own home . Quietly , he mixed some orange juice with Kahlua - something which shouldn 't have been in the younger woman 's home . He resumed his walk , glass in hand . Thinking back , he knew that hearing Sarah talk had made him laugh for several reasons . Obviously , he had needed the change , and the suddenness of it all made the entire popular mindset appear ridiculous . Yet , as he milled around the living room of another woman 's home , he understood his laughter . Sarah had saved him that night . Laughter came from that unconscious knowledge : someone else existed who hated popularity as he did . Finding her , he rejoiced in a purely natural way . After meeting at Starbucks , Sarah and John spoke more often . They would talk on the phone at night until John 's father asked him to be quiet . They eventually switched to talking over IM - both had their computers in their rooms , and by that point knew each other well enough to know exactly how the other would say what they had typed . John did call her again , though - to ask her to start dating him . From there , their relationship strengthened . John 's tensions disappeared whenever he spoke to her , grateful he could talk about something other than parties . Though they both remained popular , they had distanced themselves mentally . Everyone at school could have thrown books at them and told them they didn 't matter ; John wouldn 't have minded . For once , he had something real . Their senior prom stood out as the perfect night . Several weeks earlier . John 's father had bought him a tuxedo . Not rented - bought . All of John 's friends gasped in awe when he mentioned that , but he felt no surprise . The tailor completed his life 's work when he finished John 's tuxedo . Yet the tailor 's best efforts couldn 't outdo Sarah 's beauty . John , staring at her in wonder when he picked her up , believed that she could have worn rags and looked stunning . The dress her parents had bought her surpassed any other , simply because she wore it . He laughed inside . He knew he sounded like a bad romance novel . But for him , her presence , the very fact that she existed , mattered most . He would remember little about the actual dance . Rather , he remembered what had occurred after the dance . Sarah and he had been dating for a year by that point , and had recognized that they loved each other long ago . Moving from love to sex seemed completely natural . What he remembered most was not the act . The next day , the very idea of holding her in his arms afterward , saying " I love you , " brought the greatest joy to his heart . Several weeks later , the couple graduated from high school . John planned to go to college in Denver , Colorado , several hours north of his native New Mexico . Sarah had opted to stay in her home state at the University of New Mexico , aware of the reduced cost for state residents . For several weeks , they ignored the time bomb they slept on . However , their feigned ignorance could not stop their growing fears . She called him in the middle of July . " We need to decide , " she said . " About what we 're doing . " He didn 't respond . " John , you know this won 't work . Everyone I know who 's tried it hasn 't been able to make it happen . " " I know , " she whispered . He heard her sigh . " Look , I - I just don 't know . I 'm scared to leave you and I 'm scared to stay together . I think , " she managed past a sob he barely heard , " it would be better to break up . Just in case we meet other people . " " I know what you mean . I 'm sorry , love . " He lay down on his bed , closed his eyes . " I don 't know what I think about this . I just - I don 't want to lose the only good thing I had . " Tears came to his eyes . Always , he had said that to himself . But he had never told her before . " Oh , John . " He could feel her crying as if she sat beside him . " I 'm sorry . It 's just better to stop now . Before this gets worse . " He didn 't reply , breathed for several moments . Then , determined , he said , " All right . But we keep in touch . I 'm not losing a friend because of this . " " Me neither , " she said . " Bye , John . Take care . " She hung up , and he held the phone to his chest for a while . The hardest part about college , it seemed , would be living without Sarah . A week passed without contact . Then , she called him , crying and desperate . He picked her up at the pay phone from which she had called him , then drove to a quiet place . When she had stopped crying , she said , " I 'm pregnant . " He couldn 't answer her immediately , a response which renewed her sobs . He held her as he had wished he could a week before , stroking her hair and whispering in her ear . They had taken time to consider their options . An abortion , perhaps the best possibility , couldn 't happen without alerting Sarah 's parents to their actions . Her parents were fairly religious , and they considered premarital sex and abortion the greatest of sins . Sarah could have the child and give it away for adoption , but her parents would still know about the pregnancy . Further , something about both ideas upset John . He wanted this child - his child - but beyond that , he wanted to stay with Sarah so much that her pregnancy suddenly transformed into a blessing . Despite fear of his parents ' reaction , he wanted to marry Sarah . And marry her he did . He bought no engagement ring ; he couldn 't afford it after telling his father his plans . He had not taken the news well . Instead of welcoming the marriage with open arms , he did the opposite and shut both John and Sarah out . The constant flow of money to which John had grown so accustomed evaporated , leaving him with only what he held in his pocket and his own meager bank account . Sarah 's parents offered no gifts . They approved of the wedding only because marriage seemed the least detestable route . John and Sarah had been foolish enough to break the rules , and her parents believed they should face the consequences . John believed that , with time , the wounds would heal and that everyone would reconnect in the future . " After all , " he had said to Sarah when she had stopped crying because of her parents ' reactions , " we 're in love . That should count for something , right ? " If he had gained only one thing from being with Sarah , John had found a belief in love . Anything could work out . Because of their love , he gave up college . He could go later , once the child aged a little . For the moment , he needed a job and he needed a place to live . They moved into a small apartment and he found a job at a bookstore nearby . He viewed it as temporary , hoping to either find a higher paying job or advance to a higher position quickly . Yet nothing , not even his father 's refusal to communicate , truly dampened his mood . He had Sarah . His heart jumped whenever she visited him on his lunch breaks . He laughed and contemplated the future with her over dinner . And at night as they fell asleep , he held her close , telling her each night that he loved her . Their child was born on February twenty - third around four in the morning . John felt mostly fear as he waited for doctors to tell him everything had gone well . He prayed that Sarah would soon be able to care for their child - new demands at work gave him only a few days at home . The last summer had ended with him in high spirits . He had a steady job as a cashier at the bookstore and still believed he would advance quickly . Sarah had found a job as a waitress , and , although their free time often didn 't match up , John felt happy . Being married warmed his heart . No matter what happened , he believed they would overcome . However , Sarah could no longer work in late fall . John had been given a raise , but no promotion from his job as cashier . Food prices rose and his pay felt inadequate . John , used to a never - ending flow of money , found the situation unfair . He couldn 't purchase anything without thinking over the consequences . Further , the pair prepared for the newborn by buying all the necessary supplies when they could . John feared that they would miss something critical before the baby 's birth . The cold winter proved more than he could afford . Their heater broke a week before Christmas , and they spent the holiday with Lucas , one of John 's more friendly co - workers , while saving money for the repair . John tried to pay for food costs while staying with Lucas , but his friend refused , understanding the difficulty of the situation . The cold didn 't seem so bad with people such as Lucas in the world . With the baby 's birth near , John worked extra hours to bring in more money . While working , he often did what he could to encourage his co - workers - also dealing with low pay - to do the best they could do . Some became quick friends , like Lucas . Other employees looked to him for help - anything from computer problems to difficult customers . By the middle of February , he had made a decent amount of extra money . yet he needed a promotion and a raise more than that . Without them , he would lose time with his child , and , worse , force Sarah to take care of the child for the majority of the time . " Hmm . . . " Greg scratched the top of his head , then looked John in the eyes . " My wife and I waited a while to have children . Money and all that . " " I see . Well , I wanted to talk about that . I 've noticed you 've been helping out a lot of people . In fact , everyone seems to say your the best worker I have . " " John , don 't discredit yourself . You work hard , and I think you deserve better than you have . I just lost an assistant manager , and I want you to fill the spot . " John didn 't know how he should respond . He wanted to jump and shout , but he felt like fainting . " Thank you , Greg ! Thank you ! " " You should thank yourself , " Greg said as he leaned back in his chair . " And your family . You 're working for them , after all . " As he sat in the hospital waiting room , John worried that the promotion would take time away from his family . They would have money , but he risked missing his child 's growth . He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes , began to fall asleep . After working as hard as he had , he fell asleep as soon as he lay down most nights . But if he had needed sleep before because of work , he would be exhausted because of his child . He thought through how much money he would have - a common practice for him . They would have enough to survive . But work and the new child would make things difficult . Sarah and his son Roger hadn 't starved . In fact , they had enough food and more money than ever before . Raises kept coming , and life should have been great . But after two years , money wasn 't enough . John came home from work only to hear his son 's never ending crying or his wife 's complaints . She said he wasn 't home enough and that his child needed him . Instead of yelling at her , he quietly said he needed to bring money in . But his stomach ached whenever he heard her whine . He didn 't want to drive home when work ended . He would work late or take a longer route home , listening to the radio to prepare for the trials approaching him . Work , while paying better , didn 't bring much joy to his life . Because Greg considered him such an inspirational employee , John seemed destined to guide the most foolish new workers . He ground his teeth whenever an employee asked a simple question too many times in a week . If an employee panicked over simple issues , John moved in to pick up the pieces . And if something huge happened - a new employee once yelled at an angry customer - John took the blame . He regretted many of his choices . Sarah should have had an abortion . They could have paid for it by working over the summer and using his father 's generosity . They could have kept everything secret ! There was no need to marry or stay together . Without college , he knew that he had ruined his chances for a good paying job . He was stuck , and he raged against it . Then , he met Natalie . She had finished high school and began working in the bookstore for the summer . John noticed she was a bright girl , capable of any kind of work . She had moved out of her parents ' home a week after graduation , and appeared to be well adjusted to living without much support . John found himself astounded that someone he had trained seemed so adept at working with customers , as most of his trainees seemed like useless fools lacking social skills . Just as he had become friends with Lucas - with whom he now frequented bars when he didn 't want to go home - he befriended Natalie . Friendship , however , seemed the last thing on her mind . Although he wore his wedding ring constantly , she flirted with him every chance she got . A friendly touch here , a flash of skin there - as a married man , John knew he should have felt some anger . But none came . Rather , he found himself returning the gestures more often than not . The day he caught himself doing it , he went bar hopping with Lucas and called a cab to get home when he could barely function . He didn 't remember if Sarah had been upset . He assumed she had been , because she had left him asleep on the couch when she left for a morning walk with Roger . The next day at work , his stomach churned whenever he caught sight of Natalie . She looked so like Sarah when he had met her - before all the trouble began . She must have noticed that he avoided her for most of the day because she later asked him to help her in the storage room . After some light flirting , she asked , " Did I upset you , John ? " Her soft voice seemed to drum in his ears as he looked at her . John shook his head . His heart felt near bursting , and he couldn 't figure out how to stave it off . He knew where he would go with the night . But going home seemed like too near nightmare , like knowing he would dream of pain when he slept . When his shift ended , he found her outside , took her gently by the hand , and led her to his car . Sitting on a couch in Natalie 's apartment , he breathed deeply to fight off the tears flowing through his guilt . Only a few hours ago , everything had seemed fine . They ate a simple dinner and talked about his issues . But the dinner had turned into an invitation to her home . And , not long after , the suddenness of his failure struck John full force . He had been happy before . Little had truly changed . Money , certainly , affected his life , but the promotion gave him some measure of financial security . He lived with the woman he loved , and they had a child . At first , Roger had united them . But he had woken one too many times to change a diaper . Idiotic employees at work had worsened his mood , and his avoidance of home - of his responsibilities , he now saw - had created a rift between he and Sarah . And here I am , he thought through the deluge of memories , a man who can 't figure out his own feelings enough to live right . The air conditioner kicked on again , and he shivered . For the first time since he had met Sarah , he wept from the deepest part of his heart . Quietly , so he wouldn 't wake Natalie and worsen his situation , but he wept , more pain than he thought possible flooding him , suffocating him . He had loved Sarah . He had loved her so deeply that he had thrown away everything to be with her . He still loved her . The tears washed away hatred , revealing a deeper darkness : anger at himself . After finding he hated caring for his son , guilt had swept in , making him hate his reaction . Instead of facing it , he buried himself in work , avoiding the situation . Everything escalated , and he knew that Sarah had blamed herself . What a damn fool I am ! And now , everything could fall apart at the end of the chain . Denial of his love had led him to another lover - but only physically . He could never love Natalie , not after this , not with the knowledge of his failure . But what could he do ? Sarah would never forgive him . She would leave and take Roger with her . Or , she might be willing to deal with this , but blame herself , even though everything belonged on John 's shoulders . He had often heard religious people claim that God would forgive everything . Forgiveness . He didn 't deserve it , not after how much pain he had caused Sarah . He knew she felt it , though he had never heard it from her . Her protests of how much he worked were not only for Roger ; she asked so she wouldn 't go mad . He had abandoned her . No hope for forgiveness . But secrets would only fester in his heart . He would find a strained relationship with Natalie at work , and his guilt would create more walls around him , blocking out Sarah . Tears continued to flow as he thought of the possibilities . Nothing seemed reasonable , nothing seemed like it could work . He breathed deeply again . He took a drink , and placed his glass on a low table . Guilt , anger , pain . They had forced him here , and he had gone along with it . He never pushed back , never truly tried to figure out his life . He remembered happy moments before the tide swept him away . After giving in , he quickly forgot the joy . It could - no , it had worked out . The path had not been easy , but if he had opened his eyes life would have worked ! His heart burned again , but now he felt awake . He would tell Sarah . She may leave him , she may stay , but he would tell her . Without that , he could never hope for any change . If he wanted it , he would have to reach for it . He knew his failures , but felt more deeply than ever what had started him on the road : love . Without that , he wouldn 't have started . With it , he could change course . After a quick drive , he arrived home around one o ' clock . The lights were on . He opened the door and found Sarah in the living room adjacent the entry . She sat on a couch , holding Roger in her arms . She had been crying and hadn 't removed her makeup from earlier in the day . Guilt and love vied for John 's attention . He questioned his choice to tell her , but knew it to be the best choice . " I 'll tell you in a minute . " He looked at Roger . " Dad 's home now , kiddo . How about you go to bed , huh ? " Roger nodded , only recently able to speak . Sarah led him to bed as John sat on the couch , considering how to tell Sarah the truth . No matter how he did it , the facts would hurt . " I 'm going to tell you the truth . If nothing else , I 'll do that right . " He found her looking into his eyes . Without breaking contact , he said , " I have been walking down the wrong road . I should have seen it , but it took sleeping with another woman to open my eyes . " Her eyes widened and she looked away . " I don 't expect forgiveness . But I want you to know I won 't walk that road anymore . I - I will not blame you or Roger or anyone for what has happened . I gave up - it 's my fault . " She remained silent for several minutes . When she looked at him again , she seemed only able to whisper . " John . I can 't do this . I can 't . " Tears fell , but she pulled away when he reached for her . " I don 't know what to do anymore ! Damn it , John ! " He looked at the floor . " I don 't know what you should do . You have to choose . I messed up , and I can 't tell how you should react . But I want you to know that I 'm choosing to live again . If you want me , I 'll be here . Always . " " I don 't know . " He knelt by her side . " I honestly don 't know . And , to be perfectly honest , I 'm okay with that . I don 't need to know anymore . I just need to live again . " " Yes , I have . I made those choices . But I made them out of anger and pain . I didn 't see love anymore . But if I see you now , if I even think of you , I remember love . " She reached out for him then , and he held her as she wept . " Even if you hate me and leave me , I will love you . " They both cried that night , holding each other . He felt more alive than ever before . He had made a choice . He could do no more . She would leave , or she would stay . The choice fell out of his hands . When he suggested that he sleep on the couch , she pulled him tighter against her . " I 'm sorry , " she said , trying to stop her tears . " I just - I can 't choose now . But , " she said standing up and turning away , " I 'll figure it out . I can 't see you right now . I 'm sorry . " She went to their bed , leaving him in the living room . As he sat , he wasn 't sure how she would choose . Losing her would break him completely - it would mean losing all he had left . But despite that , he could make it . He could choose again . If she left , he would understand . He truly didn 't deserve her love anymore . Yet no matter what she chose , he would start anew . He stood on a better road , and he could walk however he wished . He would make choices to build instead of break - he chose love . |
We get the Candy , but I haven 't been home to hand it out . I 'm usually working my second job , delivering pizza , and these holidays that everyone gets to enjoy I just can 't take off for . Halloween is one of the busiest nights of the year . I 'm working . Thanksgiving usually goes okay . If I can 't get my daughter the night before , I 've picked her up early that morning . Last year Mike took some of his kids , so we all went together , and Miranda rode back with them . The food thing works out okay - but this year , I was in the middle of a construction project ( Hell , I still am ) so we decided to go out to eat . Everyone seemed to like the food - but I really didn 't . I did not have a good Thanksgiving . Besides that , we thought there was going to be a snow and ice storm , and so we cancelled going to the parade . Miranda was disappointed , and I was too . We never got the ice - Usually we get some decorations up , but we decided not to this year because of the construction . I don 't know what the hell I was thinking . I do take Miranda shopping and get something for her mom and her brother . And I do usually get something for Kim , even though we didn 't - I did the gift exchange this year , badly . And I didn 't bring any food in . No Christmas parties this year . Usually not . But we did have a funeral , and I did make a lot of trips to the hospital . Does that count ? We usually do find a way to meet up with my brother 's family , but I 'm not sure about this year . Not with Kim in a wheelchair . I wanted to see other friends , too - I did get to go to Miranda 's Choir Recital . I wish Kim could go to those , but the ex wife is a bit of a bitch about that . This town ain 't big enough - This damn job is pissing me off . I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas . When and how am I supposed to have any holiday time ? When ? I 'm going to go see my kids the day after Christmas anyway , and then come back and go to work . New Years ' Eve I work - I usually have . I 've been off for just a few , and they 've been nice . In a way it sucks even more to know what I 'm missing , versus my younger years when I always worked and remained oblivious . I like New Year 's Day , or I used to . I would be off , I could sleep late , have no real agenda , get up and eat some leftovers , have a drink , watch a movie - probably not even get completely dressed that day . It was a good day . I like the idea of Kim 's party , though . I just hope I get to go . I asked off for it - we 'll see if that happens . This is not a resolution , this is just something I 'm contemplating . I wonder if I can make enough and save enough throughout the year that come the middle of October I can take a leave of absense from the delivery job for about 11 or 12 weeks - and then come back in January . I need to figure out how much money I would need , and how much to save , and how it would go when I got close to my goal - I would take my vacation from my day job as well , in October . So I can enjoy the weather . I could be off on the nights and the weekends , and see people , and shop , and go to parties , and have parties , and make food , and visit , and make with all the traditions - The party is either before Halloween or Halloween night after trick or treating , so it doesn 't interfere with us giving out candy . We go to the party , have a good time , meet some different people , and have a few drinks . We never seem to win the contest . For trick - or - treaters , we sit in the driveway with a fire pit and a cooler , and chat with people as they come by . The children I tease , or I quiz them before giving them candy . I hit on the moms . By the next weekend , in November , the Halloween decorations come down . A few fall and Thanksgiving - themed items go up . Some day in November is Closet Day , when we pull out the winter coats and other clothes , find the hats and gloves , and arrange the closet so we can use it for the winter . The week before Thanksgiving is the dreaded Shopping Trip to the grocery store . List in hand , we buy everything , just like everyone else . During the week before Thanksgiving , we make stuff - deserts and side dishes and appetizers and things - and put them in the spare refrigerator . I buy some nice liquor and a few good cigars . The house gets a good cleaning , and the table and chairs are arranged . Wednesday night , I go get my daughter and maybe a friend , and maybe some grandkids , and they spend the night , sleeping on the floor . Thanksgiving morning , we get up and go to the parade . We bundle up and dress warmly , and get in the van . I stop at the convenience store , and we get donuts and hot chocolate , and I make them all go to the bathroom . At the parade , I take some pictures and buy some trinkets for them as we watch . Once the parade is over , I trek back up to my ex wife 's to drop off the kids , and then come back home . By then , someone has gone to pick up my fiance 's sister , and my sister shows up as well . Dinner is almost ready . We eat and talk and sit around , and maybe play a game . I take a short nap , and then it 's time for desert . My sister leaves , and we drive Kim 's sister home . Back at home , it 's time to eat again , some leftovers - this time with a big bourbon and coke . We watch a movie and enjoy the quiet time . Actually - why don 't we go for a walk - at least around the block ? Or drive down to St Ferdinand Park and walk around the lake ? But then later , yeah , we do enjoy the quiet . The day after Thanksgiving , we don 't - we probably don 't go shopping . Maybe , unless there 's something we really need to get for someone , in the midst of all the sales . But we do get out the Christmas decorations , because it 's time . It is time . I 'm putting up lights on the outside of the house , and a few yard things , while Kim puts up the tree and other things inside . I have a gift exchange at work . Kim bakes cookies . We do some shopping , and wrap presents . We buy little things for friends and co - workers . We have a Christmas slush fund that we get into , just for this . Someone , somewhere , is having an adult holiday get - together . If not , we 'll have one . Just a cocktail party type of affair , holiday themed . With appetizers and alcohol . I go to my daughter 's Christmas choir event . When she grows out of it , I 'll go to my grandkid 's . If not , I 'll go to one locally , with kids in the neighborhood . The Christmas pageant is the true meaning of Christmas . Make some calls to some friends and family , and see how they are this holiday season . Be merry and bright with people I meet . Sing Christmas carols . Christmas Eve , we either go to my brother 's or they come up here . Christmas Day , I spend at home . I 'd like to get up and make a breakfast on Christmas morning . Later , we do the presents . I guess we go over to see Kim 's sister , or we bring her over . Christmas night , mayhaps we go over to Kim 's house . The Day After Christmas , I go see the kids . For New Year 's Eve , we go to either a friend 's house that is having a party , and arrange to stay the night , or go out with friends to a party at a hotel and get a room . Or stay at home and have a few drinks , and some fancy food . It 's supposed to be seafood time . Shrimp , of course . Some king crab would be nice . Even that imitation crabmeat , with melted butter , and then other appetizers and finger foods . New Years ' Day , we wake up , and find our way home . It 's a lazy day - eventually we make it to Kim 's house . That 's what she said . Casual hang out and Cajun jambalaya . Whitmore Country Club . Really ? Country club ? It 's just a high - priced subdivision with an intrusive and poorly designed golf course built in and around it : Yeah , two bucks . These assholes in their 658k dollar ( and falling ) houses will order 40 dollars worth of food and have the trophy wife come to the door with a two dollar tip . Two bucks is five percent , by the way . Tips are the reason I 'm good at math , and bad tips are the reason I bought the Anarchist 's Cookbook . And since the economy is so bad , trophy wives aren 't as hot as they used to be . Twenty years ago , two bucks was a good tip . Twenty years ago , for two bucks I 'd fondle your balls . Maybe it 's the same today but the grip is slightly different . I wrote that piece a while back , intending to go back and finish it . I 'm sure it was the start of a rant about some wonderful night I was having , but I don 't remember the specifics now . They all seem to run together . Like Sauce through the hourglass , so goes the slice of our pie … I did think , though , that as much as I have seen and heard and done and had done to me , I thought I might be more jaded than I am about the people . And not the customers . The marks - the marks are all the same . I 'm talking about the people I work with . Since I 've been trying to remember the past and write it down to fill in the holes I need to fill for this book , I 'm in the state of mind where people from the past come up in my memory . I wasn 't going to get into specifics here - but man , have I worked with a ton of people . I don 't think I 've fired as many as I thought I had - but I have " encouraged " many to quit . I have hired over a hundred , I 'm sure . And I 've worked with thousands , because there is so much turn over in the food industry , people can come and go before you realize they are gone . The job is the same , always . Take a pizza . Give it to someone , take their money . Come back . Repeat . Clean . Do prep . The last 25 years have been a blur of that entire short list . When you come across a website or a blog , or something on the internet - and you can just * tell * . It has that look . It could be an obvious sign , like a comment that says " Last updated April 17 , 2006 . " Or it could be really old HTML . Or references to President Bush in the present tense . But whatever it is , it just makes me sad . Sometimes it 's eerie and a little creepy . What if … what if the blog you are looking at is no longer being updated because that person has died ? It 's happened , you know . I have a few friends online - or had - and they disappeared . One came back after over a year , just to say she wouldn 't be back … And another , my favorite , this sweet , young , but sophisticated and artistic Lithuanian girl named Aurora has disappeared forever . If I had a last name , or something - anything to go by , perhaps I could find her . I just want to know that she 's okay . When you stumble upon a website that the owner is obviously deceased … it 's strange . Morbid . It 's almost like sneaking into the funeral home at night , popping open their casket before the funeral , and rummaging through their pockets . What are you going to do , leave a comment ? What can you do ? What are you supposed to do ? For some people - people that are afraid to die , or want to live forever or be remembered , or are just so egotistical that they want their memory to be enshrined ( and , by the way , all of those statements do apply to me ) forever - maybe the internet is a good thing . In virtual space , everyone lives forever . Of course , there are always the sites that are just abandoned because they are no longer hip and trendy . One of my favorites was a Buffy the Vampire Slayer site . Well , the show has been off the air for some years . How often do you think the site gets updated ? 2003 was the last time . So we were there , Detroit and I . We talked to some family - actually talked to my cousin Skinny for some time , something I never really did . He and his brother and my brother are the oldest ones of our generation , so they remember the 70s more vividly than I do . At one point he started to tell a story , but then said , " You know , you really need to hear Uncle Joe tell it . He was there . " I told you that for me as a young child , it was more than a golden age : I was spoiled . For one or two summers we even had a nanny , in the form of my mom 's Great - Aunt Ermal . Yes , Ermal . As children , my sister and I even had ponies . Oh yeah . I knew that we had them - I remember that . What I never knew was the story of how we got them . Several of us sat around a table and gave Uncle Joe our full attention as he recounted the tale . Since he told me , and now I 'm telling you , a third party , I decided to go with 3rd person . I don 't remember all of what he said or how he said it , and some of the dialog is fictional , but the events - It was a regular day in the late summer of 1973 . The small , ramshackle farm was quiet . Three cows in the pasture stared at each other and chewed . A few chickens milled around the barn door , and a dog lay on its side sleeping on the porch . There was no sign of people . " Yeah ! Hell , yeah ! I recognize the place now , " Bud said , as he walked towards the barn door , stumbling once . The door was wide open , and sunlight lit the interior well enough . " Yup ! " he yelled out . " They 're here . " Bud looked around . I don 't see the old farmer . His truck his gone . " Jim - Andy smacked Joe on the shoulder as he walked by . " Shit no , Joe . We got this . I worked on a ranch ' afore . Bud , turn the truck around an ' back up to the barn . Let 's get us some ponies ! Yee - haa ! " The other three let out their best cowboy yelps . Bud hopped in the truck and turned it around , knocking over a large errant milk jug . Chickens squawked to get out of the way . " Alright . " He rubbed his hands together and walked into the barn . They heard whinnying , and then cussing . Then a crash as Jewel 's body came partially through the wall of the barn . The three stood their ground and watched patiently , handing the last of the bottle around while Jewel got himself out of the wall . He walked out and snatched the bottle from his brother 's lips . " Your turn , asshole . " A minute later , Jim Andy was pulling himself out of the hole in the wall . It was easier , because the hole was getting bigger . Joe just looked at him . " Rope ? " Jim Andy 's eyes lit up . " Shit yeah ! Why didn ' I think of it before ? I used to do this all th ' time . I need rope . I need to make a saddle . Or a bridle . Or whatever you call it . The thing . " He motioned inexplicably with his hands . When the boys had left on this adventure , they weren 't as drunk , and had planned ahead . There was rope in the back of the truck . Jim Andy was trying to tie the rope into something useful , but his hands kept getting in the way . Joe said , " I didn 't know you were a Boy Scout , Jimmy . " They were interrupted by the familiar whinnying , but instead of a crash they heard a rhythmic thumping sound . Bud and the pony came out of the barn . Bud had the pony in a headlock . " I got him ! I got him ! " The pony 's eyes bulged , and it let out a shriek and brayed up on its hind legs . Jim Andy flew into Jewel before spiraling to the ground . Bud still had a lock around the animal 's neck and hung on while the he was bounced around . The loose end of the rope whipped around and smacked him , then got under his leg and tripped him . Bud let go and went down . " Pony ! Wait , what ? " Jim Andy looked at the rope in his hand , and followed it with his eyes to the pony 's neck , where it was tightly wrapped . The animal had a look of wide - eyed terror . In a desperate attempt to save itself , it followed and jumped onto the truck . The front wheels bounced off the ground slightly , and the momentum caused the pony to seem to lunge at Jim Andy . Joe would later describe Jim Andy as " screaming like a little bitch . " Bud jumped up onto the truck and - using the only tool he had in his personal toolbox - punched the pony . The animal collapsed into unconsciousness , and slid backward . Its hindquarters and legs were off the truck . Jewel went to the cab of the truck and quickly found an old , rusty , jagged knife . He handed it up to his brother . " Here , cut the rope ! " After twenty minutes of pushing , they got the unconscious animal all the way into the bed . A new rope , with a little slack in it , was around its neck . The other end was tied to the top post of the side rail . Slowly it started to stir . " Well , " said Bud , sitting on the tailgate to catch his breath , " that 's one . " That was the signal for the pony to stand up . He started to buck and bray , but he couldn 't go anywhere . He raised up high on his back legs , and planted his front hooves into the roof of the cab , making two perfect hoof - shaped dents . Bud said , " Son of a bitch ! I ' ma kill that horse ! " Just then , a beat - up old 58 Ford pickup rolled up . The old farmer nodded to them , then got out . Without saying a word , he walked over . He noticed the pony , of course , in the back of the truck having a fit . He saw the four men , tired , dirty , and sweaty , and smelling faintly equine . He saw the used rope on the ground , roughly cut and unraveling , and the rusty knife near it . His eyes strayed upward , and he saw the hole in the barn that was not quite big enough to put a man through . He spit some tobacco out . In a gentle voice , he said , " You know , them ponies never been anywhere . Never been in a trailer or nothing . Thems was foaled here ; this here barn is all they know . " He hopped up onto the bed and went to the pony , and spoke some soothing words into its ear . It quieted down . The four men watched silently as he did this , then watched as he got down and walked into the barn , and moments later led the other pony out . He had the men help him get his block and tackle and rig it to the back of his Massey Ferguson , which he had pulled in front of the truck . The long rope was fed from the back of the tractor , over the truck , and into the barn to the pony . The farmer had a bridle and put it on the animal . Then he tied the rope to it . " Now , just guide the pony in the right direction . We 'll get him on the truck . " Joe and Bud looked at each other . Maybe they were drunk , but this old man was crazy . However , the plan worked . The tractor pulled forward slowly , and the slack tightened up . The pony had no choice but to go where he was led . Jim Andy and Bud helped the kicking animal get his legs up - he was on his knees - and the tractor drug the pony up . Once up on the bed , the animal stood up . The men looked on in amazement that it worked , and Bud thanked him . They finished securing the railing , the rigging , and the truck . They now only had one usable piece of rope , so Bud had one end around one pony 's neck , then wrapped it around the top rail , then put it around the other pony 's neck . " That should do it . " And it did , for most of the hour - long drive through unknown country roads . Once they got to the highway , however , one of the ponies started to panic . Quickly they pulled over , but by then , one of them had broken the rope . They didn 't have anymore rope , either . Bud had an idea sprung from desperation . It was going to be dark soon , and they were nowhere near home - at least it seemed that way . He salvaged what was usable from the rope and tied the horses - - ponies . He tied the ponies * together * . They were now one Siamese pony , joined at the neck , and tied to the rail . Whether by fear or fatigue , there were no more incidents . The ponies and the people made it back to Bud 's house . It was almost dark when they arrived at Bud 's . His kids were excited - the ponies were for them . Jim Andy and Jewel were quiet and subdued . Joe had a headache . Bud backed the truck up sideways in the street , and ran it to the tall ditch , making a natural ramp to egress the ponies . The neighbor , Mac , had horses - real horses - and was going to board the ponies until Bud could fence an area for them . Mac came over with leads , and after the appropriate amount of gushing by the kids , he took them to his pasture . Little Bryan was eight years old , and he had watched the unloading with interest . He saw how his dad had smartly used the terrain to make a ramp . " What took so long , Dad ? We 've been waiting * forever * . How long does it take to get a pony ? " 2010 has a been a rough , rough year on us here at the homestead . I 'm not complaining , I 'm just going to enumerate them . I 'm not blaming anyone - whose fault would it be ? And I 'm not looking for sympathy , either . Not for this devil , anyway . We started off in January - New Year 's weekend , in fact . That was when our beloved dog Mac died . That was hard . The first dog I ever really liked , the one that showed me what it was to have a dog . Shortly after that - and this ran all the way through the spring - Kim was having a problem with her shoulder . She went to physical therapy , which didn 't work . So she had shoulder surgery , and then more physical therapy after that . One of my good friends had a death - her fiance committed suicide . Worse for her , I know . But it was a tragedy , and it continues to touch our lives , as I help her cope , give her a ride to work , and hear people talk behind her back about what a whore she is . Of course some little things - I started a part time job and quit , and started another one . Always a little stress there . My oldest granddaughter moved to Texas . At first she thought she was pregnant , but she 's not . She 's still getting married . My oldest grandson is in drug rehab . Another grandson broke his jaw in September . I have some financial problems and some tax problems - the usual - Hell , I had to make the decision to let the car get repo 'd in order to keep the house . I 'm trying to get some answers for my sister about a judgment against her and filing for bankruptcy . Et cetera , ad nauseaum , ad infinitum … Lynn is a nice lady ; I 've worked with her and for her . She generally goes to the City and County Government offices to take care of the recording , and I went with her a few times to learn how . I covered for her earlier this year when she was out sick briefly . But she 's been out for a while and I didn 't know it - they got someone else to do the recording . Lynn has cancer . I don 't know the details but she is not working right now because of it . Having spent some time with her , I know she has a boyfriend ( which is odd to say when you 're in your fifties ) that is in jail . He is serving time for a DUI , or repeat offenses of that nature . Maybe he is a good guy , with a bad turn of luck . I 'm not judging . I 'm not the most charitable person . In fact , I 'm kind of selfish . But this is for Lynn , someone I know and someone who genuinely needs help . I go check out the goods . Some are decent but most don 't appeal to me . But there is one basket I like . It has a gift certificate to the theater , a DVD I 'd like to have , popcorn , and various theater - style candy . I saw it up to thirty - five . I want to help out Lynn , and be a good guy . I write down fifty . That was around noon . I figured my chances were pretty good , but then again I don 't really know how these things work . The auction ends at 2pm , so about 130 I make a circle and check it out . It 's up to 75 bucks . Shit . Man , I can 't afford much more than that . The last two names on there , of course , are Loan Officers . If you don 't understand how this works , I 'm not going to start at the beginning and explain it all to you . Just understand this : LOs have all the money . They are super - salesmen and they sell loans . In addition to making an ass - load of cash for themselves , they keep all the rest of us working . LOs are gods . They are The Rainmakers . I leave , and come back with about 6 minutes left . I hover and check it out . The movie package I want is up to 100 dollars . Fuck . I 'm in over my head . I could barely afford the fifty . I was going to wait it out and raise it from 75 to 80 . I * was * , anyway - but that ship has sailed . One hundred dollars . The clock is ticking away . How much is this about me not wanting to lose ? Most of it ? Does it matter what the motivation is if the money goes to a good cause ? A couple of other LOs are rolling around , checking things out . Expensively dressed and perfectly coiffed - this is the office - wear of an LO . I hung back against the wall in the small conference room near the movie package . Four minutes . At two minutes till I look for my opportunity - two male LOs are brandishing their penises in a mock power play of homoeroticism . I casually grab the pen and take a breath . I write down " 105 . " We just got paid today , and I get some cash , and kind of tighten up over the next week . I might be all right . And I might eat ramen noodles for a while . Upon hearing that , the latest LO to enter the room went over to the bid sheet for the movie package . He looked at it and let out a condescending , dismissive chuckle and wrote down his name and his bid . " 150 . " I just walked out . At the reception desk , there was a fishbowl with about 7 dollars worth of ones in it for the small candy and banana - nut bread someone had brought in to sell for the event . I just took the money out of my pocket - ALL the money I had in my pocket - what I had left from tips from the previous night , and tossed it in the bowl . It was probably forty bucks . What is a hundred dollars ? What is a hundred dollars to you ? I 'll tell you what a hundred dollars to me is : I would have to work harder , pick up an extra shift or two , and smile and hustle more on my second job for a hundred dollars . I have to work a second job for there to even be a goddamn hundred dollars that I can 't afford to give . That 's what a hundred dollars is to a loan officer . That goddamn 105 that I was going to give sure as shit meant a lot more to me than the 150 does to him . I was making a sacrifice . He was making a selfish " I want it " decision , knowing his name was going to be on the list showing what a great guy he is . I threw my forty bucks in there anonymously - and I 'm telling you because I 'm not sure who I 'm telling so it is more or less anonymous . I 'm not bragging . But basically I 'm pissed because I didn 't win , and because of how I lost . I was just swept aside and my paltry bid was just laughed off . And maybe it doesn 't make me a good person to be upset about it . Hell , I 'm over it now . I wrote this about two weeks ago . It 's not as rambling as it seems - in other words , there 's a point to it . I swear to God there is . I was scheduled for six instead of five as usual , so when I got there I was thrown right into the middle of the rush . Nick is a driver / shift runner , or a shift runner that drives , or a wanna - be assistant manager - I 'm not sure which . He sets me up with a triple . It 's not on the rack , and the slip is not on the cut table or the makeline . Did someone take it already ? It seems that their system of creating busy work for the manager didn 't stop this one from slipping through the cracks . They even have a name for it that I 'm wondering if Pizzarama even understands : operations . Operational excellence . Operational efficiency . Domino 's is one of the best at it , and I improved some of the processes when I managed there . It 's a philosophy - But what Domino 's has done - what they are the industry leaders in as far as pizza goes - is speed and efficiency in the area of operations . Hell , I 'm not even sure Pizzarama uses the word " operations " to describe the day - to - day work and processes that get the food to the customer , from prep to makeline to oven tending to delivery . If they have a word for it at all it might as well be " sheep - herding " for all the good it does them in their thumb - fingered effort to get the pizza out the goddamn door . Pizza makers at Domino 's are trained for speed , first and foremost . Of course they have to be accurate , but that comes with time . At Pizzarama ( and Papa John 's was like this as well ) they use measuring cups on all the toppings on every pizza . There is a complicated chart and a dozen color - coded cups for use with the toppings and they are used consistently , even during the rush . Oh , the rush . That 's the big difference . At Pizzarama , it 's the rush . At Domino 's , it is THE RUSH . I 'll get to that . At Domino 's , we were trained for speed . I 've talked about this before . How fast can you make a large pie ? How fast can you slap out the dough ? How fast are the pies rolling out of the oven ? We didn 't weigh every pizza , not by a long shot . And we sure as shit didn 't use a cup on every pizza . Grab the cup , fill it with the topping up to the appropriate line , maybe shake it to level it off . Then look at it . Okay , good . Now take it and dump the topping into your other hand and unevenly spread it around . Drop the cup in the bin so you can use both hands to move the toppings around , because they are lumped up in one spot when you pour them from the measuring cup . No , it does take as long as I am describing it . And proportion and distribution were important as well . " Itemization " is a Domino 's word , which means the toppings are well - distributed across the body of the pie , as well as being the correct amount . And you always made sure you had toppings out to the edge of the sauce - cheese border of the crust . Because of the emphasis on speed , sometimes things got messy . When you made pizzas on the makeline , you scooted them along the grates , which covered the catch trays . With catch trays , accuracy didn 't matter - although precision still did . Whatever didn 't land on the pizza fell through the grates and went in the catch trays . Cheese especially - And even our cheese was designed for speed and efficiency . Our cheese was diced - individual pieces were cubes . Perfect cubes . Places like Imo 's used a shred . It was fine , small pieces , but still - a shred is inefficient . It would clump , and you would get more in some areas and less in others . At Pizzarama , they used a dice , but the pieces were elongated . They were rectangular - shaped boxes . That leads to inefficiency and over - lap . At Domino 's , you would reach into the cheese bin , grab two handfuls of cheese , raise your hands up about a cubit above the pie ( what 's a cubit ? ) and sprinkle the cheese . Maybe " sprinkle " is too delicate of a word . Starting with your palms up , you shake your hands with fingers open , causing the cheese to rain down on the pizza , casually turning your hands over in the process . You get a fairly even distribution of cheese , and what doesn 't go on the pie goes in the pit - the catch tray . You generally get a pretty even spread . To make it more even and to shake off any excess , pick it up and give it a quick spin - and - drop . Excess flies off , into the catch tray . The cheese catch tray is dumped back up into the cheese bin fairly often ; it doesn 't sit . All of this is perfectly acceptable and food safe , and passes health department code . You slide the pie down to put the toppings on , so it 's over another catch tray . After the rush , some lucky soul gets to " pick the pit " - piece by piece pull the shit out of it and toss it back in the right bin . Mostly just the meats and large pieces of veggie , unless you work for an anal - retentive manager that wants it all picked clean . But it is done this way so you can make pies fast , and then clean it up later . At Pizzarama , the makeline is a flat table . No grates , no pits . Of course , there is no flour or dough table , either . The dough is prepped into the pan already , from frozen . It thaws , and is just adjusted to fit the edge and is used . So you take a pan with a dumb ol piece of dough in it , stretch it a little and place it out to the edge , and you 're ready to make a pizza . Sauce it ? First , you grab the right - sized plastic ring ( think Frisbee golf ) and place it over the pie . This is your " template . " Obviously , idiots , morons , and piemakers can 't sauce a pizza and stay inside an imaginary line without a plastic guide - Yet I 've been doing it for years , and have personally trained several dozen people to do the same . Leave that ring on ; you 're making the rest of the pizza with it in place . I know there is some system with the cups , but so far I haven 't bothered to learn it . The piemaker takes a cup of cheese and tries to run it through their fingers in a futile effort to spread it evenly . Not only is it not even , but it is definitely not covering the edge where the sauce is . That is a big no - no at Domino 's : cover the red edge . The toppings are going to be like that as well , and it is completely antithetical to all my previous training . Distribute the toppings evenly , for God 's sake . And get them out to the edge , or the edge of the sauce . Drop and scatter . spread it out . Doesn 't matter if some falls off the edge . Get it made , and get it made * fast * . Pizzarama has this new pizza now , some gimmicky thing . Amber , our main pizza maker , made one for me a few weeks ago , and I saw what was involved . Christ , it takes like five minutes or more to make this ridiculous thing . They really don 't care about time . And I can tell , too , in their whole attitude about service . At Domino 's Pizza , when we got busy , we worked harder and faster , faster . At Pizzarama , they simply tell people it will take longer . The other night I happened to look at the ticket while I 'm waiting for the customer to open the door . The promise time was 7 : 09 , and I was there before 7 . Cool , I 'm early . Above that was the order time : 5 : 39 . I can 't believe the customer said , " Sure , no problem . I 'll wait an hour and half for a pizza . I have brain damage . " At Domino 's I used to say that as a manager I was just a glorified pizza maker . Well , is there any other option ? Yes . You can do things the Pizzarama way , which is to create inefficiency that makes busy work for manager . At Domino 's , when a driver comes back from a run , the first thing he does is make a drop : whatever excess cash you have goes into an individual drop box for safe keeping . Make sure you hang onto enough to make change . Then you go to the rack and see what 's up . If it 's obvious , you assign them on the computer and go . If you have a question , you ask it . The manager is on the line making pizzas , but knows what is going on and can answer a question . At Pizzarama , when you come back from a run , the first thing you do is wait for a manager . They may be cashing out a carryout customer or a driver , or they may be on the phone . Hopefully you are no more than fifth or sixth on their list of things to do at the moment . While you 're waiting , you can run any checks through the check verifier . So the manager is ready for you . After every delivery - every time you come back to the store - you cash in from that run . Instead of waiting until the end of the shift , you do it every time you come back . He checks you in , you deal with the exchange of money and so forth , and then he personally checks you out on your next runs . There is a bit of logic to this , I admit - but the control is unnecessary and too much . When I was a manager , I would control what the drivers took , especially when we were busy . And the experienced ones could make their case if they didn 't like my routing , and I could change it up . But I didn 't have to physically take them by the hand and punch it up on the touch screen for them . And time is what it 's all about , especially in the pizza business . A good 50 to 60 % of any given day 's business is going to come in a 2 - hour window - 5 to 7 pm . That 's dinner time . That 's THE RUSH . And often , 50 to 60 % of a store 's business for the entire week is going to come between 5 and and 7 on Friday and Saturday night . That is THE RUSH . The basic premise of prep is this : What can we do to help speed things along ? This lays the framework for everything we do . One of the basics is folding boxes , of course . Drivers can do it in between deliveries , phone people can do it between taking orders . During a slow day shift , the driver can get a lot of boxes folded . In a Domino 's you 'll see a corner filled with several stacks from floor to ceiling with boxes . This makes it much easier , and it 's a fairly logical conclusion - fold boxes in advance , so they are ready when the pies come out of the oven . It 's a Sunday night , and it 's a busy Sunday . Late November is football season . The Rams won , and with a 5 - 6 record they stand as much chance of making the playoffs as anyone right now . I came in at six , the height of the rush . Nick gave me a triple , but the first one is gone . They don 't know where , it 's just gone . He said , " Don 't worry ; we 'll find another one and still make it a triple . " I was stuck there ; my sense of duty and realization that things would come to a grinding halt if I left kept me chained to the cut table . Amber and Ryan were on the makeline . It must have been busy for a manager to be there . Tom was the other manager , and he and Jorvice played tag with the phones , the carryouts , and the wings , and Tom was cashing drivers in and out . Part of it is the poor design and layout of the store . There is simply no room to put a stack of folded boxes . It 's not normally my problem , but right now it is . However , if I was the manager - Hell , I like most of them but they 're just kids . Including the manager . I mean , he 's in his mid to late 20s … I know he means well and he tries . I wonder if I was like him when I was a young manager . Part of me wants to be a manager again , to show them how it should be done . Luckily , the larger part of me doesn 't want the hassle at all . Of course , I know if something happens to my day job , I 'm very likely to end up there . Again . The other two assistants , Ryan and Tom , are really young . Ryan is in his 20s , and Tom is 19 , I think . Ryan has a sense of responsibility , I think . To Tom , this is just a job , and a shitty one at that . I won 't disagree with him . The Dude was working that night also . He came back from a run in his usual laid back style . He came over to say hi , and I handed him a stack of boxes . " Can you take these carryouts to the warmer ? " Finally , my third run of three is up . Actually , it had been up , I had just missed seeing it . Finally , though , Tom checked on it , and then took over the ovens for me . I took that triple and did okay on it , but I was livid from the time I wasted on the ovens . I felt like I had a clock nipping at my heels , and I was in a hurry after that . I was in so much of a hurry that on my next run - a double - I forgot a pizza on one order . Well , fuck me . I was at the customer 's door and I had already knocked when I figured it out . I looked at the ticket and the price was kind of high for one pizza . I could tell by the weight that there was just one in the bag . Instead of listing each pie individuall , there was a " 2 " next to it because they were the same . Shit - crap . I need to suck it up . The guy answered the door . " Yeah . I don 't have it . Sorry about that . Let me give you this one , and I 'll be right back with the other one . You aren 't too far away , so it won 't take long at all - " On the way back to the store , I call the store and explain what happened . I did that to stall any confusion and keep the pie I need from getting eaten or given to another customer , but I wasn 't hopeful . However , when I got back the pizza I needed - - was coming out of the oven . That 's a bit odd . There are a variety of reasons that could have happened , but I don 't stop to ponder the beauty and synchronicity of it all . I cut the pie and go . Back at the guy 's door , I knock and he answers . Again I apologize . " Sorry about that , man . But this pizza is hot and fresh ; it just came out of the oven for whatever reason - " " - And you forget my red sauce , " he said , as he backed into the house . I was still holding the pizza ; he didn 't take it . He said , " You know what ? Don 't worry about it . " He closed the door . " He didn 't take the second pizza , either . But he kept the first pizza and he didn 't pay . He just refused the second one and closed the door on me . " We asked Jorvice if he remembered taking the order , because his name was on it . Yes , he did order two of the same pizzas , which is not what he claimed . And no , he didn 't order any red sauce , either . So he 's a fucking liar , and a thief . I guess because he had time to think about it , which is never a good thing to do to customers . Him and his buddy sat there , watching the game , and big ol ' fluerescent bulb slowly lights up over his head . " Hey , you know what ? " How upset should I have been about all of that ? What is the right level of irritation ? Not only did he not pay , but he didn 't even tip me . The thing is , I have a new , higher dose of my ADD medication . One of the side effects is irritibility . But is irritability really a side effect ? I think that before , I was just happily oblivious to everything . Now I 'm just more aware of how things are . Irritation is a natural reaction to the world around me . What part of how I feel is drug reaction and what part is a natural reaction to the fucked up world around me ? Little things have been bothering me at Pizzarama over the last few weeks as well . Mostly little things , like a lack of leadership and an overall sense of impending disaster that is the signature for most shifts . Most people just fuck around and do what they want , and eventually get around to doing their job at the bare minimum level . That 's why I couldn 't get any help from anyone when I was stuck on the ovens : they were too busy doing as little as possible to avoid working hard . Except Amber , the piemaker . She is an unassuming , cute but slightly spread in the ass young girl about 19 years old . Mostly she is quiet , but if you ask her a question or talk to her about something , she starts to gush and open up . She 's a nice , sweet girl . Before I left the other night , I went over to talk to her quietly . I didn 't want anyone else working to hear it , because it certainly wasn 't meant for them . I came up to her and said , " I want to tell you something . " She looked at me , then turned back to her work , cleaning the makeline . But I had her attention . I said , " I 've been in the restaurant business for 25 years . I 've been a manager for a good 16 or more or those . " I put my hand on her shoulder . " You are the hardest working person here . " I said , " I don 't know what they would do here without you . You keep everything rolling when everyone else is dicking around . Without you , I wouldn 't have deliveries to take . And I appreciate that . " I grew up in the country , in a small town . However , for reasons I 'm not entirely clear on ( because I was ten ) we moved to town for a few years . Collinsville is a larger town in Illinois than where I grew up , and closer to St Louis . A suburb on the Metro - East side , if you will . Aside from everything being bigger , and there were more people , one of the big differences for me was school . In the country I rode the bus . In Collinsville , I walked to and fro . ( Uphill . Both ways . In the snow . For miles . ) Actually , on a nostalgic return visit , I realized that it wasn 't as far as I remembered - but I was littler then . The distance was about half a mile . One time , in the winter , my older brother was visiting us . He was recently returned from the Navy , and he was a MAN . He was a stranger , as far as I knew - he was eight years older and we didn 't have much in common . During this visit in the winter , he was up early with dad in the kitchen . I got up for school , and the weather was bad . It was icy outside . Cold and rain and turned into freezing rain , and every surface was slick . There was no indication on TV - I checked all four channels . Dad was ready to let me stay , but my brother - being the big , dumb ol ' bully that he was - made me go . I bundled up and made the walk . It was slippery , and I had to plan every step . It was cold and a little rain was still coming down . I finally get to school … And no one was there . I was angry . The doors were open , and I walked all over , looking for answers . I made it to the junction between the old school ( my elementary school ) and the new part , which was the junior high . There was the office , and I trudged in to find a lone secretary sitting there . " Oh , no , sweetie . School 's been called off because of the ice storm . You can go home . " She turned back to what she was doing . It never occurred to me to question what she was doing there . This was about me . And the ice . And my brother . And him making me walk in it . I stormed home . I started to storm home , but I fell , on the ice , several times . I was heartbroken , angry , and feeling unloved and sorry for myself . The last fall was near the graveyard , right behind the school . I pulled myself up and sat on a tombstone to collect myself and cry a little . It was cold on my butt . The sky was grey and everything glistened with ice . There was no one around . Why didn 't I notice this on the way to school ? Why didn 't I see that there were no other kids walking ? Finally finished with my fit , I got up and wiped my nose and face on my damp coat sleeve and walked home . I planned what I was going to say , knowing I would get an apology and receive retribution . I came in and slammed the door . " CARL ! " I yelled at him . " There 's no school today ! I didn 't have to go out in the weather ! " But actually what I meant to write about was something else . I walked to school , and most of the kids did . Some road a bus , but they must have lived very far away . The walkers would come to school from all directions , and leave that way as well . And so we had crossing guards . The crossing guards were actually students . The older ones - fifth and sixth graders . In the fourth grade I saw the power they wielded and the prestige that came with that calling . Plus , at the end of the year there was an awards ceremony in the auditorium , where kids got all kinds of awards and recognition . Most of it was for athletics , and I knew I wasn 't going to see any of that . There were other things as well , though , like recognition for academics ( ha ! ) and art ( double ha ! ) and even attendance . I don 't have a chance at any of this . But they also gave out little trophies for the kids that did crossing guard duty . That was an activity that I felt was in my wheelhouse . You stand there , you stop the little kids from going into the street until you say . After carefully examining the road way and making a judgment based on all of your knowledge and experience , you let them cross . I 'm in . The following year was my fifth grade year , so I could finally join the service . The school probably put out a notice or a reminder for people that would be interested . I talked to the teacher that sponsored the effort , Mr Dresch . He was one of the sixth grade teachers . I had to come to a meeting of their little cabal during my free time in fifth period . There was more to it than I might have imagined . I know I went through some type of training , and received my crossing guard belt - sash combo ( whatever that is called ) and my badge . I know , right ? I had a badge . I had power . I had authority . I had rank , too - and I was the lowest . Along with the other fifth graders that were new to the company , we were " patrolman . " The sixth graders that had done it the previous year were promoted . There was a Captain , a Lieutenant , and two Sergeants . Then us four patrolmen , the grunts . It even had our rank on our shiny badges , so everyone knew . We needed eight in our squad because we had eight intersections to man . The Captain made the rotation schedule . In the back of his Dukes of Hazard notebook he had the official schedule . We rotated to different spots during the week . I didn 't realize we got certain luxuries with this duty . We got to leave a few minutes early at the end of the day to get to our posts . We were even allowed to be a few minutes late after the bell in the morning , because we were there in the morning as well . Of course , it wasn 't all Skittles and rainbows . It might have been the standing in the rain , or it might have been ending up with the crappy post too often ( the stoplight , or " SL " in the Captain 's book , was the furthest post from the school , and communication was sparse . How did you know when time was up and you could leave ? ) but during the fifth grade year , I quit the safety patrol . I guess I made it about half the year . I was surprised and a little hurt that at the end of the school year , I didn 't get recognized for my valiant yet halfhearted effort . I received no trophy . It really stung me . The next year , I joined again . I received no promotion , because I hadn 't finished the previous year - I hadn 't put in my time . Geez , I figured I should have at least made corporal . But I sucked it up , and I was the only patrolman that was a seasoned sixth - grader . I stuck it out this time , and learned some kind of valuable life lesson that escapes me at the moment . But the important thing was , at the end of the school year , at the big presentation ceremony in the auditorium , I FINALLY got to walk up and get my trophy . It was the proudest moment of my entire 12 years at that point . |
My dad is good . I called my sister because usually no one lets her know . ( she is the only one away from here to keep informed , and everyone used to think it was " someone elses " job . ) She had just got done talking to him , and said when she got home my stepmother had even called and left a message . Thats good . She said he is feeling a lot better . One thing I hate is to call someone after surgery . I figure they need the time to rest and the last thing they want to do is talk to me on the phone . He is supposed to come home tomorrow , and then Thursday I think he goes to see his other dr . That will probably be the deciding factor on if they get to leave for vacation Sunday . My car is done . We didn 't go pick it up yet , we will do that tomorrow . It was the heater core and it was $ 280 . Better than I thought it was going to be . YAY ! I plan on only driving it local for a day or two just to make sure , but next week I go back to school and its going to be 74 miles a day 4 days a week . I am not looking forward to that . I get Friday 's off . That , I am sure , will be study time . I am taking my dad 's truck tomorrow to get my new books and go to the unemployment office for my day care voucher . I don 't know yet how that works , but I am going to find out tomorrow . I was thinking back today about an old friend of mine . I had some very close friendships in my younger years , and would have went to the ends of the earth for them . I have a few good friendships now , but not like that . One of the girls used to come over every night and her , my roomate and I would play cards . Every night . We all worked in the same factory , hung out all the time together , and we had a good time . It was those 2 that I tried pot with for the first time . Just the three of us sitting on the floor in a circle . One of them , K , gave me my first ear piercings . She used a needle , potato , and an ice cube . After the first ear it took me about 1 / 2 hour before I would let her do the second one . Anyway , on with my story . . . . . She started dating this guy . He was very bad for hPosted by Even though it was not a work day , it was still Monday . B ' f spent the night last night since he didn 't have plans for the day . No point in him sitting home feeling sorry for himself . We just got back a bit ago from Madagascar . It was ok , but not as good as I had hoped . We would have gotten home sooner , but his car wouldn 't start after the show . He has never had that happen before , and my mind was working on what we could do . No good to try to get back here , since I have no vehicle unless I borrow my dad 's , but then we would have to either try to get his car started , or take him to his town over an hour away and then he would have to figure out how to get to work and back tomorrow and how to get his car later . None of them good suggestions . After trying for 1 / 2 hour , I suggested going in the theater and asking if anyone knew a car place to call , but he finally opened the hood and started checking around . It was a loose connection , and then it started right up . Thank God . He is on his way home now . We tried to go to the show earlier , but it was sold out . G was crying because he wanted to go NOW ! ! ! ! ! ! He is so pitiful when he is like that , but I told him we would go tonight . Then the car trouble , but at least thats overwith . We got my car to the shop this morning , and they are going to check it out tomorrow . Pray for good news . I am praying for a hose . I hope I didn 't damage the engine with the test drives I took it on before I realized it was a water problem . ( or rather " lack of water problem " ) My dad is having a heart cath done in the morning . I sure hope this helps him . He is tired of it . He is tired of doctors , surgery , pills , having trouble breathing , etc . He told me he is ready to go . I know it has to be exhausting . He can 't hardly walk 10 feet some days without getting winded . He is tired of hauling the oxygen around with him . They are supposed to leave for Branson on Sunday and I hope they still get to go . They need it . My stepmother said they laugh and have a great time while they are there and they both neePosted by Your Birthdate : July 16Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone . You are relatively inflexible , and insist on your being independent . You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate . You are introspective and a little stubborn . Because of this , it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships , but you probably will as you are very much into home and family . This birth day inclines to interests in the technical , the scientific , and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations . The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you . Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth , but most of your actions are bedded in logic , responsibility , and the rational approach . You may be emotional , but have a hard time expressing these emotions . Because of this , there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection . What Does Your Birth Date Mean ? What do they mean inflexible and stubborn ? ? ? ? ? Ok , maybe . Well , yeah , ok , I will give them that . This thing was right on the money I think . Let me know how YOU do . I know all this doesn 't matter in the big picture . In a few years , this won 't even be a memory . For now , it sucks . My neighbor came over and looked at my car today , but they were getting ready to go out so he was all dressed up nice . He said the only way to tell for sure where the radiator water is leaking is to get underneath , but he 's not a mechanic , just seeing if it was going to be an easy fix . I am going to see about getting it in the shop at our little town if they even still do that kind of work . My neighbor wasn 't sure . He thinks its probably the heater core , which means that the whole dashboard and everything will have to come out . Its a 1989 car , so I would hope it would be easier to work on than the newer cars . I just can 't afford to go out and get something else . I called about some cars today . One person wasn 't home , and the other one looked like a pieced of junk , but I thought maybe I could afford it . The lady I talked to wanted about 12 times more than I was hoping to pay , so even an ugly car is out of my reach . : ( I am afraid to touch anything . I came in the house to get me something to eat and the freezer door wouldn 't shut . I felt like I was on candid camera . It wasn 't blocked , I felt all around the door and it felt normal . I had my kid go get my stepmother next door . Thank God I had the foresight 3 1 / 2 years ago to get a new hinge for the bottom of the door when I had to replace the top one . She just started taking it apart . I learned more about how to do it than I ever cared to know , but at least it didn 't cost anything to fix . We had to turn the water off , since the bottom hinge has the water going through it into the door for water and for the ice maker . We got through it , but I missed Dr . Phil . Life goes on . I am tired of everything turning to shit . Pardon my language . It has to get better , right ? God Bless , and God Bless honest mechanics . I sure hope I can find one . We had a great time . We went to the new Lincoln museum and I was totally impressed . We had our picture taken with the Linoln Family , and it looks great . We spent over 2 1 / 2 hours there , and could have spent a lot more if my son would actually let us read more of the displays . My sister said she will have to go back when she isn 't hurried . I thought it was very well displayed . We saw a presentation called something about Ghosts , so I was immediatley interested . It was an awesome show where an actor came out and talks to the audience about why history is important , and what types of things they find . He is dressed in period clothing , and says he is an historian with the museum . He sits down and starts telling us about why it benefits us to read history . He opens a book and a fog appears . You can hear gunfire , people talking and mumbling , and in the fog you can see soldiers fighting in the field . Over on the side you can see the ghost of Linoln and his wife . The special effects were amazing . Toward the end they did a thing about battles , and how men gave thier lives for a cause they believe in , and of course the tears start forming in my eyes and I am doing my damndest not to let them fall . I have never figured out why things like that affect me so , but I look over and my sister is wiping her eyes . I can 't see it affecting anyone else like this , so why does it affect us ? I told her I am bad about that , and she said she is too . I don 't understand why patriotism does that to us . I thought that was an interesting to learn . There was also a time line thing that was neat . It had the line at the bottom and as it moved across the screen it showed the boundries of the states changing with the ongoing war . It was amazing to watch . They had the death toll at the side of the screen , and it started out slowly , then was flipping so fast . It is hard to imagine that many dying . It was an awesome display , and made me feel for the families who lost loved ones , and made me wonder about how many families were totally wiped out . Very aPosted by My car decided it didn 't want to go yesterday . It started jumping around . I don 't know what is up with it now . I checked the oil and it was low , but it didn 't seem to make any difference . We are going to my sisters tomorrow and I asked Dad yesterday if I could borrow the truck to go see her . He said ok . Then today we were talking about it again , and he asked where I was going . I told him and he said he didn 't realize I was going there . Its a couple of hours drive , and he is concerned the truck may act up . He has never mentioned any problem with it before , but now I am nervous about taking it . We are planning on leaving around 7 am , but I don 't know if that will be good as far as traffic and stuff goes . I 'm waiting for an email back from sister dear to see what she suggests . We are supposed to take G 's golf clubs so they can go to a real driving range to hit a few . I sure wish I knew what to expect on the roof deal as to what my financial status will be . As it looks now I will be out $ 1000 of my savings , which is most of it . That means I can only spend about $ 500 on a car , tops . Not good . If I don 't get a roof , I won 't have to worry about a house for too long , cos I won 't have one . School starts in a couple of weeks , and now I may not have a car . Its 74 miles to school , round trip , and I will be going 4 days a week . I need something dependable . I am going to go tomorrow , have a good time , and worry about the car again Thursday . Of course , we will try to get home before dark , just in case . Time to go . I have to get things ready to leave in the morning . God bless , and pray for a safe trip . ( and the roof fairy is still needed , along with a car fairy now . ) : ( Today is a nice quiet day . The weather isn 't too hot , and there is a decent breeze . I made my son go outside with me and play a few rounds of horse . You have to understand , I am not an outdoorsy person . I never have been . He was sitting in here watching tv , playing gamecube , and no amount of coaxing could get him out of the house . He is too young to have the lousy habit I have of finding any conceivable reason to stay in the house . We had a good time . I won , which is bad cos I am a lousy player . I think both of us need lots of practice . It was good for both . I am so totally bored . I don 't want to read any blogs . One of the ones I read the most hadn 't been posted on for awhile , and now I can 't get anything on the page . I hope it comes back . He felt more sorry for himself than I do , and I thought I was a whiner . That tends to make me feel a little better about myself . I have a pretty busy schedule this week . That can be a good thing . This is G 's last week of school for the summer , so he has Wednesday off and we are planning on going up and spending the day with my sister . I think we will have a good time . Tuesday a bunch of us that used to work together are getting together for lunch . It will be good to see some of them . We have one whole week off together , and then my school starts the next week . I am more nervous about school now than I was before . I just assumed I would get great grades since I worked so hard on it . I was wrong . It really saddens me greatly , and I am having a hard time getting out of the funk . Time for a break . Yall have a great day , and God Bless . My friend that is always gleeful when she outdoes me on anything got all A 's . I didn 't talk to her since she got her grades , but she had it next to her name on messenger . Yay for her . : ( Pardon me while I go lick my wounds in the corner . : ( It is Wednesday , right ? They are all running together now . A guy came to give me an estimate on my roof . I found them in the yellow pages yesterday . A friend of mine used to work for the company as a secretary . I called and she asked how I found them , and I told her about my friend . When I told her the name , she recognized it right away and said that was the best secretary they ever had . She moved out of state , but I will have to let her know . She is a workaholic and stayed till all hours just to make sure everything was perfect . They sent a guy out today , and I found out I knew him . It sure is a small world . He was my friends ex - brotherinlaw . He was the youngest of the boys and was the nicest one as far as I was concerned . I used to run around in the town he grew up in . He used to have a blazer with purple flames on it . ( It was cool at the time anyway . ) It was really awesome . He was just a 16 year old who saved up all his money , took one that was a piece of junk and tweaked it all out . Pretty amazing guy who took pride in it . He is a lot taller now , married with 3 kids . His family was very poor , and most of the boys were not nice people , but he was a sweetheart . Very polite . He still had the lispy thing today I noticed . I never would have known him if he didn 't tell me his name . He seems to be a very nice guy . His son is 14 and has a truck he is working on so it will be ready when he can be legal . He said they were just discussing the other day about putting purple flames on it . LOL . He said his son isn 't convinced yet . Anyway , he will be back Friday afternoon to let me know what he has figured up . He is going to have to make some calls about replacing the porch as far as cost goes . He said they can take care of the chimney too . It sounds like it might be a lot more reasonable than the other guy that came . The only problem was he said that the decking needs replaced , and that is where a lot of the expense will be . : ( I need to keep it under $ 7500 , or else I will have to pay closing costs cos they will have to rewPosted by Ok . I was " ok " with my grades . They aren 't the best , but that one is the best I could do , considering all the other classes I had . I am sure I could have gotten better if it was the only class I took but thats not going to happen . I wasn 't thrilled , but now I am angry . Sue called . She is the one I helped all the time , and told me how they got extra credit in logic for this , that , and the other thing . ( one thing that us online weren 't offered at all , I might add ) . Her first test she took in that class was a D , but they got to print it out , correct it , and got to bump the grade up . My first test was a D , but there were 7 questions that weren 't complete so I took a screenshot and sent them to the instructor . She said there was nothing she could do , and when I asked if I could redo it , was told NO . I had to stick with the D . Not happy . Sue got an A out of the class , and would call me up bawling cos she didn 't get it . I helped her through a lot of it , and she got an A . I would do it again , but I would be just as angry as I am now . She is on the deans list this semester . She keeps telling me not to feel bad . I do , and I am pissed as well . The " friend " who seems is in competition with me is also in finals this week . She has already started emailing me all her A grades , and has been asking how I did . I don 't want to tell her . I call her a friend , and she is in some ways , but true friends don 't act like she does at times . She uses me as a stepping stone to make her feel better about herself . I don 't need the pressure . I have enough self esteem issues of my own . I know people expect me to always be the better person and not say things that will hurt someones feelings , but sometimes I want to scream at them . I don 't want to be as petty as they are . Honest . I care about grades . I don 't care that she has a newer car . Its never one I would have gotten for myself , but she thinks its better , so I let her cos it makes her feel better . My b ' f is far from perfect , and not the guy for me , but at least he isn 't in prison like hers is . Posted by I was right . 3 - B 's , 1 - A , and 1 - C . The C could have been a lot worse , so I have to be content with that . I tried my best , and thats the best I could do . I have some other intense classes , so I will give them my all as well . The hardest part for me is the memorization . There is a lot of it , and I fried so many braincells back in the 80 's that I really thought would grow back . Apparently not . : ( My GPA is currently 3 . 25 , down from the 4 . 0 I had before . : ( Now the challenge is to get it back up as high as I can . I bought a book on HTML when we went out Saturday . I started on it yesterday and am enjoying it a lot . My books I ordered on VB should be here in a few days . They offered free shipping , and I took it , so it will take longer . I felt the need to feed the brain so I went ahead and got the html book . It 's all good . I learned how to do this , which is very basic but I think its cool . Thisas well . Of course when I was doing the tutorials I had to do some 105 and H20 just cos I could . : ) My brain is not used to this much time at rest , so I am giving it some exercises to do . Next break maybe some graphic stuff . Depends on what my mood is at the time . I have PSP7 but only opened it once . Almost time for Dr . Phil . If he isn 't any good today I may just do some more html . Have an awesome day ! God Bless . Just got done chatting with b ' f . He drives me crazy sometimes . We are supposed to go out tomorrow to Red Lobster in another state . Its about an hour drive for both of us , and he lives a little over an hour from us , so its like a big triangle . We are supposed to meet at the restaurant . It normally would be no big deal . I have a " thing " with my stepmother in the morning . Its a brunch that starts at 10 : 30 . I don 't know whats planned , or what time we will leave , but I am hoping by noonish we will be on our way home . B ' f doesn 't have a cell phone , so there will be no contact after he leaves in the morning . He is going to take his son shopping before we get there so he can get all the expensive shoe places out of the way . We agreed to meet at 2 : 30 . I told him if we weren 't there by 3 , go ahead and get a table , but get one for 4 just in case we are just late . He said , * We will just wait . " I said again , if we are over 1 / 2 hour late , go ahead . Just in case something happens . Then he said , " aren 't you planning on coming ? ? ? ? " Ok . How stupid would I be to pass up a free meal at Red Lobster ? Of course I am planning on being there . My father has been in real bad health . What if he drops dead ? What if my 1989 car decides it isn 't in the mood to go anywhere ? What if my tires are flat ? I have no way to contact b ' f , who would be in another state , sitting in the parking lot for 3 hours . Dumb ass . He said I could always call the restaurant and give them a message . I asked him what good would that do if they were in the parking lot ? " o " he says . ( No capitalization , or h , and that drives me crazy as well ) He said they would go inside and sit in the air conditioning . Sheesh . I hate having people wait on me . It makes me hurry , unnecesarily at times , or make stupid mistakes cos I don 't want to let anyone down . Even a dumbass b ' f . Then , he had the nerve to tell me I am like Sue , worrying too much . Ok , maybe I don 't want to be responsible for someone sitting in the parking lot for 3 f ' in hours cos they are too stupid to go in and eat . I hopPosted by I see all the blogs with links to other blogs on the side , but don 't know how to do it . I thought about changing the background as well , and I didn 't know if I would have to put in the counter and everything again , so I don 't think I will be making any changes as far as that goes . If anyone can help me out , I would appreciate it . I read some really good blogs and would like to share . Thanks . It felt great today not to have to study . No homework . No worries . Well , not no worries , but at least not class related . : ) Sue took me out to lunch at a nice place . She said it was to thank me for helping her throughout the semester . She is a headcase , and its a full time job to make sure she is ok . One night I got an email and she was working on logic . She said she couldn 't get it and had been crying all afternoon and evening . I got offline and called her . She said she won 't forget when she answered the phone , I said " WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON ? ? ? ? ? ? " I know I get upset about classes sometimes , but I am not going to cry all day about it . Thats what tutors are for . You can use them as your whipping boy , and then feel better . LOL . Ok . I never did that , but got tutoring when I needed it . We had steak and shrimp , and an " exploding onion " . Very delightful . Of course , I ate the steak and brought the shrimp and baked potato home . Half of the onion found its way in my container as well . Very delish . She is such a headcase . We went to walmart for groceries for me , and she kept putting stuff in my cart I didn 't want . She tried to get me to buy all this snack crap that we don 't need , and said she was going to take something out of my cart when I wasn 't looking . I bought a container of erasers since we seem to have a bunch of eraserless pencils , and she complained it was too many . How can a person have too many erasers ? I thought she was done complaining . We got up to checkout . She was being very nice and quiet , so I was on my guard . When the cashier got to the erasers , she calmly looked her in the face , and said " would you please tell my friend that she is nuts for buying so many erasers ? They are going to last her years ! " The lady looked shocked and burst out laughing . I had this " what the hell ? " look on my face first . I need to loosen up more often . I started giving her a hard time , but then I thought I had better behave cos she was driving . Just thought I would drop a post in . I feel such freedom . Sigh . Life is brighter . DPosted by I didn 't have a heart attack or an anxiety attack . Finals are over for me for the semester . I think I have 1 - A , 3 - B 's , and one as yet undetermined . I am hoping for a C , which is what I had before the two tests today . They say he grades on a big curve , and I would love for it to change to a B . One of the tests , ( not the final ) was acronyms and what they mean . We had to fill in the words then choose from definitions . I know I got about 1 / 2 right . I almost asked him if we got extra credit for originality . ( Like " Oblong Data Indigestion " ) I have to look up ODI now , just to see what it really is . I made up a few that sounded plausible , but left a few blank . It was such a relief today . I drove home with the windows down , inhaling the smell of fresh mown grass , fresh country air , and as little pollution as possible . I feel like doing a happy dance . I got my papers turned in for mileage for May , my books are all turned in , and life is good . I called the lady about the roof . She is coming a week from tomorrow to see it and give me the application to fill out . I need to get 2 good estimates , but don 't know if I have to have them before she gets here or not . It would be helpful I think . I will call around some more tomorrow . I am meeting Sue tomorrow for lunch , and we are supposed to go to her house and see about getting her visual basic cd to work . She doesn 't know how to install programs . I don 't get it . Anyway , it will be nice not to have to get back home and study . I am making my grocery list and will wander the aisles aimlessly while kidlit is at school . God bless . Let your loved ones know they are . Loved , that is . By you . ; ) I woke up this morning feeling real dizzy and everytime I turned my head the world just swam . I laid back down after G went to school . I got up later and the same thing , so I went back to bed . I laid there and worried about what I need to do , and decided just to get up and deal with life . I think it was probably stress related . I have some things I just don 't want to do , and worry and fret about them . I think people that know me would be surprised by that . I think they see me as a take charge kind of person who gets done what needs to be done . That 's the way I am when I feel COMFORTABLE with something . I had to call around and see about getting some financing for the roof . I feel like a poor schlub who is trying to work the system so I don 't have to fork over any money . Truth is , I am so far in debt I will never get out . I have a savings account , but that is for the house payments from my school grant I got . That way I may be able to keep up with the rest of the monthly bills . My charge card bill is higher than my house payment . I use it for important stuff to keep us going throughout the year . Somehow the balance gets about $ 1000 higher every year . I know there are some frivolous things on it , but not as bad as it could be . I try not to , I really do . I don 't want to have to borrow against the house . I want to get it paid off . 5 more years . If there is any house left . : ( One of the baby coons must have got out of the attic . My neighbor was out mowing and saw one in our yard . When her hubby came home they put it in a bucket and took it out to the river down the road and let it out . It was just a little thing . It could sure climb the tree out back though . One gone . YAY ! That has to mean they are big enough to get out on their own . Hopefully they will all be gone soon . I found out one of the ladies that we were going to meet for lunch Thursday had a mini stroke Sunday and just got out of the hospital today . I called her when I found out . We talked for quite awhile . She sounds like she is doing very well now , and the DrPosted by I got through part 1 of my hardware test . It sucked . Well , it was ok , but I SUCKED ! Another freakin C . My instructor said he thought I would do better too . At least its over . I have part 2 Wednesday , and then the Net Essentials test . Thats the one I am really dreading . There is a lot of stuff to try to remember . I sure know a lot more than I did when I went in , but what are the chances thats what he is going to ask ? I went to my favorite store today . My test was over at 9 : 30 and I didn 't have 2nd class till 1 . I rarely leave campus on a school day , till time to go home . I went to Home Depot and priced tin roofing . I talked to the guy there for quite awhile . He was very helpful . They have a nice charcoal gray color that would look nice I think . I think it would look a little more professional than blue , like was suggested . I bought new doorknobs for the garage entrance . That was it . I done good . I looked at all types of roofing materials . I sure hope I can find some way to fund this . I am going to call around tomorrow and see about getting some more estimates . I saw the guy from town that gave me the first estimate , and I think he shaved his head again . Probably a lot cooler crawling around on those roofs . Time for bed . God Bless . Mother 's day has had quite a turnaround for me . It used to be all I could think about was my dead mother and my dead daughter , and how I wondered if God had forgotten me . I was 10 when I lost my mother , 25 when I lost my daughter , and 37 when I had my son . Thats a lot of years inbetween . I would stay hidden in my house , not go to church or anything because I was so jealous of the women who had relationships with their mothers / children . I felt alone , which I feel alot , because I feel like I have always marched to the beat of a different drummer . Never really fitting in anywhere . Does everyone feel like this ? I don 't mean just " unique , or special " . I feel odd . Not normal . I find things funny that others don 't . Of course , I like geek humor , and a lot of the people I hang with don 't get it . I like to listen to classical music , and a friend called one night while I had it on and she called it " funeral music . " Come on people , get some culture ! Open up your horizons . There are other things out there ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! When my dad found out I like herbal tea and classical music he asked me " where did you get THAT from ? ? ? Surely not while living under my roof . " I decided not to break it to him that I tried mayonaisse instead of miracle whip and I prefer it . I also make brewed tea instead of instant . I will let him think I am that little girl that he raised to be more like him . It makes him happy that way . He doesn 't know any better . He only has an 8th grade education , but has done ok for himself . I love him dearly , even though we have had our moments . If I would have listened to him , I would still be bitter on mothers day , and not have the great son that I have now . B ' f took G shopping last night while I got Grandma 's gift . They said they were just going to look at toys , cos G was a butthead all day yesterday , and I really needed the quiet time . ( in a crowded walmart , with tons of people buying last minute gifts ) Ahhhhhhh , peace and quiet at last . I cruised through the garden center looking to see if it would look good in her yard , oPosted by I just got the final done for Strategies . Its worth 100 points , and an extra 20 if we turn it in my today . ( I got it done 24 hours ahead of my deadline ) It wasn 't actually due till the 11th , but its OVER ! I feel relieved . It was a boring paper with 5 different sections , so I tastefully added a little clipart . I hope that is ok . They can be such sticklers for detail . Some of it was our opinion type stuff , so I didn 't think he would mind a little informality . Besides , if everyone just writes it real plain , he will be bored silly . I should be in bed . I thought since all I have to do now is study for my finals , I would try to get the 2nd monitor hooked up . I have always wanted to try it , but I don 't think my desk is big enough . There is also the electrical limitations to consider as well . I brought my old one in here . Very excited to try it . I thought my speaker wires were going to snap by getting slammed into the sides of the desk , so I put it back in the other room . : ( I had the oddest dream last night . It was one of those sexy type dreams . I can 't mention it to my b ' f for obvious reasons , since it wasn 't him , but also because I think I have convinced him I don 't have those type of feelings ever since my hysterectomy . Anyway , I called a guy yesterday about giving me an estimate on a new porch roof . He was the sexy man in my dream . He had shaved his head the last time I saw him , so thats the way he looked in my dream . Just like a 5 : 00 shadow on his head . I could see the want in his eyes . Bad thing is , he is married and was married in my dream . I can even be responsible ( to a certain extent ) in my dreams , cos nothing happened , but I could feel the steam . His wife came in yelling at him , wanting to know why he was spending so much time here , and he has a family at home to take care of . She was a bitch in my dream , but I would have been too . Anyway , he showed up today to give me the estimate . He had hair . I have only met him maybe 3 times the whole 8 years I have lived here . He wasn 't near as mysterious standing in my yaPosted by Ok , its going on about 3 weeks with no sleep . My biggest fear is of them making a hole in the ceiling and falling into the living room . I am a total chicken when it comes to this . I think I am really tough on dealing with every day life , at least as far as anyone else knows . ( Like the saying goes " never let them see you cry " ) I came home today and there was a coon in the trap . My stepmother came over and took the trap out of the attic and carried it outside . I called some neighbors and they came over and got rid of it . I didn 't ask . I don 't want to know . Now I hear more up there . Now I want to cry again . My son said he thinks there are " like 15 " in there . I called today about seeing if I can apply for a new roof since my porch is shot and my roof over the rest of the house is getting ready to fall completely apart . I can 't even get a loan now since I am without a job . I called a guy here in town that could put up a metal roof on the porch . That could solve the problem , but he said he won 't be able to get to it for at least 6 weeks . WAHHHHHHHHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I nicely asked for an estimate so I can work on a plan of action in case ERBA can 't help me out . I called a guy yesterday that traps coons and critters as part of his living , and he said that where they are located he can 't get them out . I would have to hack off part of the porch , then that would make it wide open for other critters . I am sick of them . Here is the " little darling " We had a neat thing at school today . I had my face digitized and put in one of those crystals . It is cool . You can even see the insignia that was on my shirt I wore today . If they could have done pictures , I would have had my son 's done , but they need the person there since they are 3D . Everything was free . Pizza , drinks , prizes . I got a caricature done of me today too . I have never done that before . We had a good time . It was a nice break inbetween tests . I had 2 today . I am completely done in 2 classes , and almost with a 3rd one . I hope to finish it up tomorrow . I have a final Monday , aAngelize |
Really , I have to say that I am quite impressed with the hospice nurses that come to see my mom . They minister to the whole family really . I had a question tonight , and called . Much to my surprise , I received a call back almost immediately , even though it was after hours . She 'd was anxious to speak with me , she said . You know , it 's a hard time . No matter how you slice it , it 's just a difficult and painful time for everyone . It helps to have a calm , soothing voice on the other end of the phone who can answer your questions and address your concerns . It is a terrific organization , with a well trained staff . My mother and I have spent long years not being close , and there is a lot that I don 't know about her . Sitting in the dark by her hospital bed , I learned that she likes to sleep with her arms thrown up over her head when she sleeps on her back . I do that . Tim always thought that it was cute , like a baby sleeps . I know now that I get that from my mother . When she sleeps on her side , she uses two pillows . I knew without asking how to arrange them . I use two pillows myself . She tucks her hand beneath her cheek . I do too . Even though I look like my father , I know that my blue eyes are her eyes , that my thin hair is her thin hair , and that my low self esteem is her low self esteem . We probably have other things in common , but I will never know what they are . Not now . I sit in the dark of her bedroom , and I count her respirations by her moan on the exhale . I touch her cold hands . I watch the clock , unable to tear my eyes from it , watching the minutes tick past , one at a time . I remember a soap she used to watch . A somber voice would tell us " Like sand through an hour glass , these are the days of our lives . " I sit in the dark thinking . It 's a busy time . The house moves forward . I started school yesterday . I 'm trying to fit everything in , to have these last days with my mother . We 're have not been close . We have spent our lives circling each other . Sometimes our paths intersect , and we connect for a time , but then our paths take us away from each other once again . After all these years , I 've accepted that thing and there is no bitterness about it . It is what it is . It 's all I know to do , really . I don 't try to grasp or to cling , because I understand that this is just for a time , and then that our paths will diverge once again . This time , however , there is the knowledge that our paths will not cross again in this life . It will be done . So , we 're painting the downstairs . Tim was trying to decide what color to paint the library . It 's a fairly dark room , so he was looking for a lighter color . We carefully looked through the colors . You 've got to be careful with Tim , because the man loves orange . After a long discussion before painting a rental , a discussion in which I said , " Tim , really , for a rental , the colors should be a neutral color , something that will blend with virtually any tenant 's color scheme . " I mean the last thing people want to do is get a rental , and then have to reaccessorize their home to match the apartment , right ? Armed with those admonitions , Tim went out and got the paint for the rental . The next time I saw it , it had a orange kitchen . I kid you not . Orange . Bright , bright orange . An ' MY EYES ! MY EYES ! ' sort of orange . So anyways , we 're discussing colors for the library , and I 'm not leaving anything to chance . We 're already painting this kitchen yellow . You know fiesta ware yellow ? That 's what color we 're painting the kitchen . Tim picked this color at Perkins Pancake house . He was eating his steak , and staring at his plate in the strangest way . Finally he picked it up and said that he wanted to paint the kitchen the color of his plate . It actually looks pretty nice , despite my initial misgivings . This morning in bed , he said , " You know , wouldn 't a blue ceiling be cool ? Like the sky ? " This is the kind of man he is . Would you leave anything to chance , paint wise ? Anyways , we had all these color papers , and we 're trying to find something that matches the leather sofa and chairs that will be in the library , and something that is light enough to brighten the room up . I looked at all those papers , and I said , " Light copper is nice . " It matched with the furniture , and Tim said , " Yes . I think you are right . " And so we spent $ 31 + on a gallon of light copper paint . Tim began painting . I forget what I was doing . I walked in to the library to see the progress , which was considerable . Light copper ? Heck . This was pastel apricot , thank you very much . I HATE pastels . Long pause . I hated to say anything . After all , it was me that had chosen the color . I wandered back in and out a couple more times . The more he painted , the worse it looked . He finally admitted that he did not like the color . AT ALL . Did I mention $ 31 + for the gallon of apricot paint ? This left us in a real quandry . We did not want to throw the money away . " Do you suppose they could darken it a little ? " I asked . Tim climbed down the ladder and tapped the lid back on the can . " That 's what we need to find out , " he said , and he was gone . I went on doing whatever I was doing . I think by then , I was painting the stairwell between the first and second floor . Soon he 's back , and he heads off for the library . I give him like five minutes , and I put my own paintbrush down . I walk in there and he 's surveying a wide swath of DARK APRICOT across the fireplace . It looked VERY orange . So anyone want a can of paint ? Because if I don 't get rid of this somehow , Mr . Sensible will paint a room somewhere with the hideous color . I 'm sorry . I cannot take that chance . So a customer walks into the store , an elderly lady with smeared eye make up . She stands at the front of the store yelling , " Can someone help me ? " A little surprised ( mostly because I 'm standing right there ) I say , " What are you looking for today ? " She tells me that she needs a small one pound propane tank for a weed burner that her daughter sent her from California . I tell her that I will get her one . I go back and grab one from our welding section , neglecting to note that it is a 14 . 1 oz instead of the full 16 oz . She tells me this is not correct . Bob grabs her a 16 oz tank from up front . It is a two pack . She picks it up and studies it . " This weighs more than this , " she complains , holding the two tank package up in one hand and the single 14 . 1 oz that I brought up first in the other hand . Bob and I look at each other . " Yes , it does , " I explain . " Because there are two 16 oz . bottles in this package and one 14 . 1 oz . in the other . " Well , it 's too heavy , " she complains . " Even one of those bottles will be too heavy . " Bob and I look at each other again . 16 oz . is a pound , no matter how you slice it . 16 oz is still going to weigh a pound . Impatient that we were not advising her , she snapped , " Are you sure this will fit ? " I explain that if she needs a one pound bottle , the screw is universal , so the bottle will fit anything that takes a one pound bottle . She tells me that the handle is from California and that things are different there . She then heaves a aggravated sigh . She needs salt to pour down her well , the kind of salt that sinks to the bottom . I tell her that we have water softener salt but I 've never heard of a salt that you poured into the well itself . She started to get angry because she had a paper from the EPA that told her about this product , and she ' couldn 't believe that we didn 't sell it . ' I said , " I 'm not saying we don 't sell it . I 'm saying that I 've never heard of a product labeled for that use , and I 'm loathe to sell you something that might be harmful to your well and your pump . Salt is corrosive . " She explains to me again that EPA sent her some information . I said , " Well , I 'd need to see the paper because I don 't know what you 're looking for . " She begins to be quite angry . " I 've TOLD you what I need . . . " she began , " . . . the EPA sent me information . . . " I said , " Ma ' am , I know what you are looking for , but I do not know how to advise you . We have nothing in the store labeled for that purpose . " Just to be on the safe side , I discussed it with Bob . Bob looked confused . " I 've never heard of that , " he said . " Seems like the salt would be rough on your pump . " I wait on a few more customers , and much to my surprise , she is back . She is also mad . She 's holding the 2 - pack of 1 lb propane cans . " These are green , " she snaps . " I called my daughter , and she says that she uses propane in a gray container . I say , " But ma ' am , propane is propane , no matter what color the container is . If you need a one pound propane tank , this will work . " She tells me that she need a COLEMAN l lb propane tank . I tell her that we don 't sell Coleman , just the Worthington brand . She got quite agitated . She knew that we sold what she needed , and if I would not help her , she 'd find it herself . She slapped her receipt on the counter and demanded a refund . I did the return and handed her $ 6 . 35 back . Angrily she tells me that I 've shortchanged her . She paid more than that when she bought them just seconds before . I 'm starting to get frustrated . I take a deep breath and I show her on her original receipt that she 'd only paid $ 5 . 99 plus tax . She says , " I gave you $ 18 . I said , " Ma ' am , I 'm sorry , but you did not . " She then pulls out her wallet , and empties it on my counter . She knows how much she had when this started . She begins counting the money in her wallet . The customer behind her stood there with a 40 lb bag of dog food on his shoulder , looking just as astonished as I was . " Why don 't I help you at the other register ? " I said , and I stepped over and began ringing up customers there . She 's back . She 's mad . We have the exact same handle that her daughter sent her from California . It says right on it that it takes a 20 lb tank . " Yes , ours take a 20 lb tank , " I said , " but you told us that you needed a 16 oz propane tank . I did not know what kind of a gadget YOU had . . . I was just giving you what you asked for . I didn 't question you . " She was furious then . I should have known she needed a 20 lb tank . Moreover , I probably had the salt she needed too . She went out the door , and she was even madder . The ' things unbloggable ' have taken over my life . I 've been mugged by them , actually . Brianna and William are home for a time , and holding a baby is a precious counterbalance to the unbloggable fact that my mother is quite ill again . I know how these things work , but I didn 't expect them to hit all at once . When I drove home the other day , following a tractor trailer , the wind whipped the weeds at the side of the road , and they swirled crazily , dancing . For some reason , just watching them as I clicked off the miles was a pleasant thing . I know that I 've noticed the upturned leaves that signify that rain is coming , but the dancing weeds ? I don 't believe that I 've noticed it before . This morning was freight day . I walked into the store with Pete , a white haired farmer , whip thin and strong . It was 5 AM and the moon lit up the clouds . I said , " Isn 't the sky beautiful ? " and Pete said , " It always is this time of the morning . " I looked at him . That 's the difference between him and I . He knows this thing , this secret of the world . That cat came back . It came into the open door of the new house and stared at Tim . Tim is not a pet people , and so he looked at the cat . " Go on , " he said , and the cat studied him for a moment and then went back out the door to the mysterious place that he melts off to when I do not see him . I listened to the thunder last night , and as always , I enjoyed the approach of the storm . I stood watching the wind and the rain when the storm hit , and I listened to the sound of thunder growing farther and farther away . That 's life , isn 't it ? The storms threaten . Sometimes they hit . Always they move on . I was over at Bush Babe 's . In Australia , people are wearing red to commemorate Daniel Morcombe , a young man who disappeared eight years ago , while waiting for a bus to take him Christmas shopping for his family . After eight long years , a man has been arrested in the case . The family is hopeful that finally they will finally be able to have their son 's remains brought home for a proper burial . I cannot imagine not knowing what happened to your child . To be able to guess , but not to know . To not be sure . How do you stand such pain as that ? I am not a foolish woman , and I know that these terrible things happen , but somehow , seeing the faces , hearing the stories behind these little faces . . . my God . Oh my God . How can someone look into the eyes of those children and do them harm ? I heard a story about guerrillas in Africa who went into a village and lopped the right arm off of each child in the town . Because they could . Because they meant to instill fear so deep that there would be no resistance to rise up against them . Perhaps it is because I 've been so busy . Perhaps it is because I 've held my little grandbaby William close many times this week . I don 't know . It just strikes me that this world is an ugly , ugly world , and it makes me sad . I sit here , and off in the distance , thunder rumbles . It reminds me that there is a great deal that happens in this world that I have no control over . I sit in my livingroom and I brood about these things , and pray for a way to make a difference . My PET scan was canceled , due to insurance issues . Things are being worked out , and the appointment will be scheduled once the insurance is sorted out . I don 't mind the wait . Just the fact that they will be following up on things makes me feel better . It is hard to be having symptoms , trying to ignore symptoms , and yet feeling nervous , as if maybe the symptoms should not be ignored at all . I can 't explain it . Not really . It 's just been a struggle for me . Surprisingly , the parents of the young couple interested in the house stopped by the store today . I 'm such a blabber . I blabbed away to the mother for some time . The father walked up and said , " So , is your house sold ? " I gaped a little , because I did not know who they were . They laughed at my confusion , but told me how excited this young couple is over the house . I was glad to hear that . I want someone to love this house as much as we love our new one . Today , we met a couple at our efficiency apartment . We 're giving it to them for a period of upheaval in their life . We all feel blessed as we wait to see what God does next . I walked from that house down to the house that we are currently rehabbing . It 's kind of neat walking along the brick street . In two blocks , I counted at least a half dozen big renovations going on , in addition to our project . It 's like the whole street is getting a face lift . I heard a helicopter flying low , and I watched carefully . Yes , I could see the tank and spray extensions . It 's dropping liquid Bti on the river , to treat black fly . I stood with my hands shielding my my eyes against the sun , watching it circle around to come back . Probably my old boss Rick was on board . Suddenly , I missed my old job , I missed my old life . I wanted what I could not have . I took a deep breath and put my hand down from my eyes . I am lucky . I know this . Nobody gets everything they want . I 'm lucky . Across the street , two contracters were moving a ladder . A tall black man with a sing song voice that hinted of tropical breezes called out , " The helicopter ? It look for him ( gesturing at the man on the other end of the ladder ) . America Most Wanted right there , " and I laughed out loud as the man at the other end of the ladder said , " Don 't you pay attention to a thing that one tells you ! " In the mood for a good laugh , I said , " I don 't know . I think he 's got a very trustable face , " and I made a frightened face and made like I was about to run for my life . " Our laughter raised up and joined together , and danced a bit in the middle of the street . Today , I began scrubbing the walls to the third floor and I daydreamed of my plans for William 's playroom as I scrubbed , dreaming of a Hickory Dickory Dock bookcase here ( I have a plan in my head . . . ) and a small boat for him to play pretend in , right over here , and a toy box . A comfortable chair for reading , and a bed for when he 's older . I thought of Winnie the Pooh , and nursery rhymes , and little babies past and present . The open windows let in the breeze and I scrub listening absentmindedly to the town sounds , cheerful voices and a stray laugh or two , the leaves rustling in the big old maple trees out back . Cara 's party was nice . About 30 people showed up . I have pictures . I 've tried to upload them to my blog , but cannot , for whatever reason . I 'll get to it , I 'll get to it . I heard screaming from the livingroom and came out to find three year old Rachel clinging to her chair for dear life as her cousin , Konnor , tried to push her off . Intervening , I told Konnor , " No ! We do not fight here . Here 's a chair for you " ~ indicating another wooden chair . . . a chair that was identical to the one Rachel was sitting in . ( Makes sense since they were all from the same dining set . ) Konnor gave me a very cross look , kicked the chair away , and ran off to his mother . Rachel sat there holding on to her chair with both hands , her little face red from screaming , tears still wet on her chubby cheeks . Her little pigtails bobbed up and down as she explained to me with her wideopen brown eyes . " There 's a vewy tewwible pewson hewe . Vewy tewwible . Vewwy , vewwwwy tewwible . And his name is Konnor . He is ebil . " I burst out laughing at her earnestness , and she turned to Rosalind and began to explain , again . " Thewe 's a vewy , vewy tewwible pewson hewe . Vewy tewwible . . . . " Oh my gosh . She was adorable . James and Rosalind got married . The honeymoon included a stay at a romantic hotel with a jacuzzi . They learned first hand that one does not add bubble bath to a jacuzzi . I was sharing how horrifying it was to hear Cara 's ' on her way home ' phone calls . From college : " Mom , they 've woken us all up and told us to go , go now . " ( Flooding and mudslides were limiting ground travel . ) And then from the bus station : " Mom , the taxi was in an accident , but I made it . The buses are canceled for right now . I 'm not sure what 's going on . " From the airport : " Mom , I may or may not have just sucker punched a Korean bus driver . . . " You get the drift . It was terrifying waiting for the next installment in the unfolding saga . My sister laughed . She remembered when her son was leaving Korea . " Mom , " he said , obviously intoxicated . " I love you mom ! I just wanted you to know I looooooooooooove you guys . . . . " We rolled our eyes and laughed at these grown children of ours . There was plenty of food and plenty of laughter , and people in and out . It was fun to see everyone , and like always , we wondered why we don 't do this more often . We should . We always have a good time . Both Cara and I have lost all financial aid for the year . Ack . But we 'll make it . It will be tight , but we 'll make it . Still it was quite a shocking discovery . Had a nice day with Mary . It felt good to get away from all the chaos . We spent the day in Erie . I had the appointment at the Big City Cancer Center . It 's going to be a big switch . They seem to take the stand that there is plenty that can be done . First is to rule out a cancer recurrence . PET scan on Friday . After that , they 've got a lot of suggestions on what to do next . I find myself feeling optimistic . Have you ever had to deal with a liar before ? Someone who lies continually ? About nothing ? I listened to one and the thing is , I knew he was lying . From previous experience , I know that there is absolutely no sense in trying to broach the issue with him . It just causes outraged tears and denials , and one little detail will be added to the story already told , and the detail is supposed to present the thing in a whole new light , and all the lies are supposed to become truth , and . . . but . . . it doesn 't . . . it 's just the same sad bullshit with another detail . So I listened as he went on and on , telling his story , weaving in little details . I tried to listen and tell myself , " What does it matter ? " because really , the story was inconsequential , as most of his stories are . But he talked on , and waited for our responses . " Awwwwwww ! ! ! ! " we were supposed to say . We were supposed to giggle at the right places . We were supposed to be charmed and think he was witty and cute . But he was telling a lie , and the longer he talked , the more difficult it was to listen . What do you do ? If you say anything , it will cause a huge emotional outburst , and like I said , one little detail will be added and he will look at you defying you to tell him that the story has not become completely true and believable . It 's like dancing with smoke , the way the story shapechanges and grows , filling every corner of the room until you cannot breathe and your eyes begin to burn . I hate it . It 's morning here . I did manage to sleep . Now I 'm up and the house is quiet . I have a few moments before everyone begins to get up . Last night I worked . It was a quiet night . I came home and it wasn 't long before Cara pulled in , with her friend Jamie . I went to bed to read for a while ( Emma ~ it 's been a long time since I read that , and I am enjoying it . ) Brianna and little William came in , and everyone sat downstairs watching a video . It made me glad to hear pieces of their quiet conversation floating up stairs . It looks increasingly as if our current house will sell , which means we will be into the new house sooner than we had planned , but , either way , we 're in a good place . Which means , if it doesn 't sell , we 'll stay here for the winter , and we 're good with one more winter in the old place . If it does sell , well , the prospect of a Christmas in the new house is exciting . ( Yes . I already know where I want to put the tree . ) I 've decided to be monitored in the big city , and I have my first appointment on Monday . I 'd been wavering for a long time , but I guess what underscored it for me was simply being in constant pain . I 'd gone for my regular appointment , and once again , I 'm asked to rank my pain . I commented that it was very bad , and the nurse looked at me and said , " but it 's just the normal pain , right ? " I guess that 's it , really , in the nutshell . I 'm in pain . I don 't see it as normal at all . The only answer they have is to try different pain medications . I can 't . The queen of side effects does not have time to be sampling at the great salad bar of prescription medications . I need to finish my courses . I need to drive to get there . I need to be clear headed . I am more interested in knowing what is causing the pain , and making the decision from there . In the meantime , Dr . Scholls ' sneakers are helpful . So , let me get up and get moving . I 've got to get the house squared away , and make the party food . Cara is making bebimbop for supper tonight . I am making marinated venison steaks for those who prefer not to eat spicy KPosted by It 's been ( what else ? ) busy here . Cara is home , and she is glad for that . Her lost baggage was found , and two heavy bags were delivered to our doorstep . It turned out to be so convenient that she has vowed to lose her luggage every time that she travels . We have had company every night , and we 've got a houseful coming for a party this weekend . Guests will begin arriving tomorrow , including Dylan and Brittani from Allentown . I cannot tell you why I 'm still awake . This is not a time to become an insomniac , to be sure . Let me try to hit the hay once again . James and Rosalind . William has his first experience with helium balloons When he kicked , those balloons bobbled around . He kicked a lot . He also squealed a lot , but I couldn 't get pictures of that , and it was too bad , really , because it was cute . When he pulled the strings , the balloons came in close , close enought to bat . That was some exciting stuff there , and the squealing hit a crescendo at about that time . It was awesome . It was a great wedding , Mr and Mrs . James S . Everyone had fun , right down to the littlest peanuts . Posted by Coming up for air . Yes . I got Cara . It was supposed to take one hour and 49 minutes . It took me two and a half hours . Gees . The road markers signs are verrrrrrrrrrrry far apart . I 'd driven so far I thought I made a mistake . I hadn 't . I got there . I picked up Cara , sans luggage , just a few minutes early . I 'd allowed myself an extra hour because I was traveling with a baby . William traveled well . Good as gold . Until we came home . He took a fit like none other . We took an hour break until he fell asleep and got back on the road again . Cara was exhausted . I was exhausted . William was exhausted . Two of this group got some good sleep on the way home . You may guess which two . We ran into terrible weather . The windshield wiper broke . I tried to call Tim . No answer . You may guess who started to get a little weepy at that point . ( Hint : William was still sound asleep . ) I went to bed late , and have to be at work by five am for freight day . Oh . Sunday night , I got new sneakers . Dr . Scholls . Yeah . I 'm gellin ' . They force you to walk different , and you do not come down on your heel . They are wierd to wear , but despite my doubts , they seem to help the leg and foot pain . This morning will be the test . Yeah . I know . I need to post pictures . It 's going to be a busy week . Party on Saturday , housefull of people coming in . I 'm not sure when I 'll actually get to it , but I will try . I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
Really , I have to say that I am quite impressed with the hospice nurses that come to see my mom . They minister to the whole family really . I had a question tonight , and called . Much to my surprise , I received a call back almost immediately , even though it was after hours . She 'd was anxious to speak with me , she said . You know , it 's a hard time . No matter how you slice it , it 's just a difficult and painful time for everyone . It helps to have a calm , soothing voice on the other end of the phone who can answer your questions and address your concerns . It is a terrific organization , with a well trained staff . My mother and I have spent long years not being close , and there is a lot that I don 't know about her . Sitting in the dark by her hospital bed , I learned that she likes to sleep with her arms thrown up over her head when she sleeps on her back . I do that . Tim always thought that it was cute , like a baby sleeps . I know now that I get that from my mother . When she sleeps on her side , she uses two pillows . I knew without asking how to arrange them . I use two pillows myself . She tucks her hand beneath her cheek . I do too . Even though I look like my father , I know that my blue eyes are her eyes , that my thin hair is her thin hair , and that my low self esteem is her low self esteem . We probably have other things in common , but I will never know what they are . Not now . I sit in the dark of her bedroom , and I count her respirations by her moan on the exhale . I touch her cold hands . I watch the clock , unable to tear my eyes from it , watching the minutes tick past , one at a time . I remember a soap she used to watch . A somber voice would tell us " Like sand through an hour glass , these are the days of our lives . " I sit in the dark thinking . It 's a busy time . The house moves forward . I started school yesterday . I 'm trying to fit everything in , to have these last days with my mother . We 're have not been close . We have spent our lives circling each other . Sometimes our paths intersect , and we connect for a time , but then our paths take us away from each other once again . After all these years , I 've accepted that thing and there is no bitterness about it . It is what it is . It 's all I know to do , really . I don 't try to grasp or to cling , because I understand that this is just for a time , and then that our paths will diverge once again . This time , however , there is the knowledge that our paths will not cross again in this life . It will be done . So , we 're painting the downstairs . Tim was trying to decide what color to paint the library . It 's a fairly dark room , so he was looking for a lighter color . We carefully looked through the colors . You 've got to be careful with Tim , because the man loves orange . After a long discussion before painting a rental , a discussion in which I said , " Tim , really , for a rental , the colors should be a neutral color , something that will blend with virtually any tenant 's color scheme . " I mean the last thing people want to do is get a rental , and then have to reaccessorize their home to match the apartment , right ? Armed with those admonitions , Tim went out and got the paint for the rental . The next time I saw it , it had a orange kitchen . I kid you not . Orange . Bright , bright orange . An ' MY EYES ! MY EYES ! ' sort of orange . So anyways , we 're discussing colors for the library , and I 'm not leaving anything to chance . We 're already painting this kitchen yellow . You know fiesta ware yellow ? That 's what color we 're painting the kitchen . Tim picked this color at Perkins Pancake house . He was eating his steak , and staring at his plate in the strangest way . Finally he picked it up and said that he wanted to paint the kitchen the color of his plate . It actually looks pretty nice , despite my initial misgivings . This morning in bed , he said , " You know , wouldn 't a blue ceiling be cool ? Like the sky ? " This is the kind of man he is . Would you leave anything to chance , paint wise ? Anyways , we had all these color papers , and we 're trying to find something that matches the leather sofa and chairs that will be in the library , and something that is light enough to brighten the room up . I looked at all those papers , and I said , " Light copper is nice . " It matched with the furniture , and Tim said , " Yes . I think you are right . " And so we spent $ 31 + on a gallon of light copper paint . Tim began painting . I forget what I was doing . I walked in to the library to see the progress , which was considerable . Light copper ? Heck . This was pastel apricot , thank you very much . I HATE pastels . Long pause . I hated to say anything . After all , it was me that had chosen the color . I wandered back in and out a couple more times . The more he painted , the worse it looked . He finally admitted that he did not like the color . AT ALL . Did I mention $ 31 + for the gallon of apricot paint ? This left us in a real quandry . We did not want to throw the money away . " Do you suppose they could darken it a little ? " I asked . Tim climbed down the ladder and tapped the lid back on the can . " That 's what we need to find out , " he said , and he was gone . I went on doing whatever I was doing . I think by then , I was painting the stairwell between the first and second floor . Soon he 's back , and he heads off for the library . I give him like five minutes , and I put my own paintbrush down . I walk in there and he 's surveying a wide swath of DARK APRICOT across the fireplace . It looked VERY orange . So anyone want a can of paint ? Because if I don 't get rid of this somehow , Mr . Sensible will paint a room somewhere with the hideous color . I 'm sorry . I cannot take that chance . So a customer walks into the store , an elderly lady with smeared eye make up . She stands at the front of the store yelling , " Can someone help me ? " A little surprised ( mostly because I 'm standing right there ) I say , " What are you looking for today ? " She tells me that she needs a small one pound propane tank for a weed burner that her daughter sent her from California . I tell her that I will get her one . I go back and grab one from our welding section , neglecting to note that it is a 14 . 1 oz instead of the full 16 oz . She tells me this is not correct . Bob grabs her a 16 oz tank from up front . It is a two pack . She picks it up and studies it . " This weighs more than this , " she complains , holding the two tank package up in one hand and the single 14 . 1 oz that I brought up first in the other hand . Bob and I look at each other . " Yes , it does , " I explain . " Because there are two 16 oz . bottles in this package and one 14 . 1 oz . in the other . " Well , it 's too heavy , " she complains . " Even one of those bottles will be too heavy . " Bob and I look at each other again . 16 oz . is a pound , no matter how you slice it . 16 oz is still going to weigh a pound . Impatient that we were not advising her , she snapped , " Are you sure this will fit ? " I explain that if she needs a one pound bottle , the screw is universal , so the bottle will fit anything that takes a one pound bottle . She tells me that the handle is from California and that things are different there . She then heaves a aggravated sigh . She needs salt to pour down her well , the kind of salt that sinks to the bottom . I tell her that we have water softener salt but I 've never heard of a salt that you poured into the well itself . She started to get angry because she had a paper from the EPA that told her about this product , and she ' couldn 't believe that we didn 't sell it . ' I said , " I 'm not saying we don 't sell it . I 'm saying that I 've never heard of a product labeled for that use , and I 'm loathe to sell you something that might be harmful to your well and your pump . Salt is corrosive . " She explains to me again that EPA sent her some information . I said , " Well , I 'd need to see the paper because I don 't know what you 're looking for . " She begins to be quite angry . " I 've TOLD you what I need . . . " she began , " . . . the EPA sent me information . . . " I said , " Ma ' am , I know what you are looking for , but I do not know how to advise you . We have nothing in the store labeled for that purpose . " Just to be on the safe side , I discussed it with Bob . Bob looked confused . " I 've never heard of that , " he said . " Seems like the salt would be rough on your pump . " I wait on a few more customers , and much to my surprise , she is back . She is also mad . She 's holding the 2 - pack of 1 lb propane cans . " These are green , " she snaps . " I called my daughter , and she says that she uses propane in a gray container . I say , " But ma ' am , propane is propane , no matter what color the container is . If you need a one pound propane tank , this will work . " She tells me that she need a COLEMAN l lb propane tank . I tell her that we don 't sell Coleman , just the Worthington brand . She got quite agitated . She knew that we sold what she needed , and if I would not help her , she 'd find it herself . She slapped her receipt on the counter and demanded a refund . I did the return and handed her $ 6 . 35 back . Angrily she tells me that I 've shortchanged her . She paid more than that when she bought them just seconds before . I 'm starting to get frustrated . I take a deep breath and I show her on her original receipt that she 'd only paid $ 5 . 99 plus tax . She says , " I gave you $ 18 . I said , " Ma ' am , I 'm sorry , but you did not . " She then pulls out her wallet , and empties it on my counter . She knows how much she had when this started . She begins counting the money in her wallet . The customer behind her stood there with a 40 lb bag of dog food on his shoulder , looking just as astonished as I was . " Why don 't I help you at the other register ? " I said , and I stepped over and began ringing up customers there . She 's back . She 's mad . We have the exact same handle that her daughter sent her from California . It says right on it that it takes a 20 lb tank . " Yes , ours take a 20 lb tank , " I said , " but you told us that you needed a 16 oz propane tank . I did not know what kind of a gadget YOU had . . . I was just giving you what you asked for . I didn 't question you . " She was furious then . I should have known she needed a 20 lb tank . Moreover , I probably had the salt she needed too . She went out the door , and she was even madder . The ' things unbloggable ' have taken over my life . I 've been mugged by them , actually . Brianna and William are home for a time , and holding a baby is a precious counterbalance to the unbloggable fact that my mother is quite ill again . I know how these things work , but I didn 't expect them to hit all at once . When I drove home the other day , following a tractor trailer , the wind whipped the weeds at the side of the road , and they swirled crazily , dancing . For some reason , just watching them as I clicked off the miles was a pleasant thing . I know that I 've noticed the upturned leaves that signify that rain is coming , but the dancing weeds ? I don 't believe that I 've noticed it before . This morning was freight day . I walked into the store with Pete , a white haired farmer , whip thin and strong . It was 5 AM and the moon lit up the clouds . I said , " Isn 't the sky beautiful ? " and Pete said , " It always is this time of the morning . " I looked at him . That 's the difference between him and I . He knows this thing , this secret of the world . That cat came back . It came into the open door of the new house and stared at Tim . Tim is not a pet people , and so he looked at the cat . " Go on , " he said , and the cat studied him for a moment and then went back out the door to the mysterious place that he melts off to when I do not see him . I listened to the thunder last night , and as always , I enjoyed the approach of the storm . I stood watching the wind and the rain when the storm hit , and I listened to the sound of thunder growing farther and farther away . That 's life , isn 't it ? The storms threaten . Sometimes they hit . Always they move on . I was over at Bush Babe 's . In Australia , people are wearing red to commemorate Daniel Morcombe , a young man who disappeared eight years ago , while waiting for a bus to take him Christmas shopping for his family . After eight long years , a man has been arrested in the case . The family is hopeful that finally they will finally be able to have their son 's remains brought home for a proper burial . I cannot imagine not knowing what happened to your child . To be able to guess , but not to know . To not be sure . How do you stand such pain as that ? I am not a foolish woman , and I know that these terrible things happen , but somehow , seeing the faces , hearing the stories behind these little faces . . . my God . Oh my God . How can someone look into the eyes of those children and do them harm ? I heard a story about guerrillas in Africa who went into a village and lopped the right arm off of each child in the town . Because they could . Because they meant to instill fear so deep that there would be no resistance to rise up against them . Perhaps it is because I 've been so busy . Perhaps it is because I 've held my little grandbaby William close many times this week . I don 't know . It just strikes me that this world is an ugly , ugly world , and it makes me sad . I sit here , and off in the distance , thunder rumbles . It reminds me that there is a great deal that happens in this world that I have no control over . I sit in my livingroom and I brood about these things , and pray for a way to make a difference . My PET scan was canceled , due to insurance issues . Things are being worked out , and the appointment will be scheduled once the insurance is sorted out . I don 't mind the wait . Just the fact that they will be following up on things makes me feel better . It is hard to be having symptoms , trying to ignore symptoms , and yet feeling nervous , as if maybe the symptoms should not be ignored at all . I can 't explain it . Not really . It 's just been a struggle for me . Surprisingly , the parents of the young couple interested in the house stopped by the store today . I 'm such a blabber . I blabbed away to the mother for some time . The father walked up and said , " So , is your house sold ? " I gaped a little , because I did not know who they were . They laughed at my confusion , but told me how excited this young couple is over the house . I was glad to hear that . I want someone to love this house as much as we love our new one . Today , we met a couple at our efficiency apartment . We 're giving it to them for a period of upheaval in their life . We all feel blessed as we wait to see what God does next . I walked from that house down to the house that we are currently rehabbing . It 's kind of neat walking along the brick street . In two blocks , I counted at least a half dozen big renovations going on , in addition to our project . It 's like the whole street is getting a face lift . I heard a helicopter flying low , and I watched carefully . Yes , I could see the tank and spray extensions . It 's dropping liquid Bti on the river , to treat black fly . I stood with my hands shielding my my eyes against the sun , watching it circle around to come back . Probably my old boss Rick was on board . Suddenly , I missed my old job , I missed my old life . I wanted what I could not have . I took a deep breath and put my hand down from my eyes . I am lucky . I know this . Nobody gets everything they want . I 'm lucky . Across the street , two contracters were moving a ladder . A tall black man with a sing song voice that hinted of tropical breezes called out , " The helicopter ? It look for him ( gesturing at the man on the other end of the ladder ) . America Most Wanted right there , " and I laughed out loud as the man at the other end of the ladder said , " Don 't you pay attention to a thing that one tells you ! " In the mood for a good laugh , I said , " I don 't know . I think he 's got a very trustable face , " and I made a frightened face and made like I was about to run for my life . " Our laughter raised up and joined together , and danced a bit in the middle of the street . Today , I began scrubbing the walls to the third floor and I daydreamed of my plans for William 's playroom as I scrubbed , dreaming of a Hickory Dickory Dock bookcase here ( I have a plan in my head . . . ) and a small boat for him to play pretend in , right over here , and a toy box . A comfortable chair for reading , and a bed for when he 's older . I thought of Winnie the Pooh , and nursery rhymes , and little babies past and present . The open windows let in the breeze and I scrub listening absentmindedly to the town sounds , cheerful voices and a stray laugh or two , the leaves rustling in the big old maple trees out back . Cara 's party was nice . About 30 people showed up . I have pictures . I 've tried to upload them to my blog , but cannot , for whatever reason . I 'll get to it , I 'll get to it . I heard screaming from the livingroom and came out to find three year old Rachel clinging to her chair for dear life as her cousin , Konnor , tried to push her off . Intervening , I told Konnor , " No ! We do not fight here . Here 's a chair for you " ~ indicating another wooden chair . . . a chair that was identical to the one Rachel was sitting in . ( Makes sense since they were all from the same dining set . ) Konnor gave me a very cross look , kicked the chair away , and ran off to his mother . Rachel sat there holding on to her chair with both hands , her little face red from screaming , tears still wet on her chubby cheeks . Her little pigtails bobbed up and down as she explained to me with her wideopen brown eyes . " There 's a vewy tewwible pewson hewe . Vewy tewwible . Vewwy , vewwwwy tewwible . And his name is Konnor . He is ebil . " I burst out laughing at her earnestness , and she turned to Rosalind and began to explain , again . " Thewe 's a vewy , vewy tewwible pewson hewe . Vewy tewwible . . . . " Oh my gosh . She was adorable . James and Rosalind got married . The honeymoon included a stay at a romantic hotel with a jacuzzi . They learned first hand that one does not add bubble bath to a jacuzzi . I was sharing how horrifying it was to hear Cara 's ' on her way home ' phone calls . From college : " Mom , they 've woken us all up and told us to go , go now . " ( Flooding and mudslides were limiting ground travel . ) And then from the bus station : " Mom , the taxi was in an accident , but I made it . The buses are canceled for right now . I 'm not sure what 's going on . " From the airport : " Mom , I may or may not have just sucker punched a Korean bus driver . . . " You get the drift . It was terrifying waiting for the next installment in the unfolding saga . My sister laughed . She remembered when her son was leaving Korea . " Mom , " he said , obviously intoxicated . " I love you mom ! I just wanted you to know I looooooooooooove you guys . . . . " We rolled our eyes and laughed at these grown children of ours . There was plenty of food and plenty of laughter , and people in and out . It was fun to see everyone , and like always , we wondered why we don 't do this more often . We should . We always have a good time . Both Cara and I have lost all financial aid for the year . Ack . But we 'll make it . It will be tight , but we 'll make it . Still it was quite a shocking discovery . Had a nice day with Mary . It felt good to get away from all the chaos . We spent the day in Erie . I had the appointment at the Big City Cancer Center . It 's going to be a big switch . They seem to take the stand that there is plenty that can be done . First is to rule out a cancer recurrence . PET scan on Friday . After that , they 've got a lot of suggestions on what to do next . I find myself feeling optimistic . Have you ever had to deal with a liar before ? Someone who lies continually ? About nothing ? I listened to one and the thing is , I knew he was lying . From previous experience , I know that there is absolutely no sense in trying to broach the issue with him . It just causes outraged tears and denials , and one little detail will be added to the story already told , and the detail is supposed to present the thing in a whole new light , and all the lies are supposed to become truth , and . . . but . . . it doesn 't . . . it 's just the same sad bullshit with another detail . So I listened as he went on and on , telling his story , weaving in little details . I tried to listen and tell myself , " What does it matter ? " because really , the story was inconsequential , as most of his stories are . But he talked on , and waited for our responses . " Awwwwwww ! ! ! ! " we were supposed to say . We were supposed to giggle at the right places . We were supposed to be charmed and think he was witty and cute . But he was telling a lie , and the longer he talked , the more difficult it was to listen . What do you do ? If you say anything , it will cause a huge emotional outburst , and like I said , one little detail will be added and he will look at you defying you to tell him that the story has not become completely true and believable . It 's like dancing with smoke , the way the story shapechanges and grows , filling every corner of the room until you cannot breathe and your eyes begin to burn . I hate it . It 's morning here . I did manage to sleep . Now I 'm up and the house is quiet . I have a few moments before everyone begins to get up . Last night I worked . It was a quiet night . I came home and it wasn 't long before Cara pulled in , with her friend Jamie . I went to bed to read for a while ( Emma ~ it 's been a long time since I read that , and I am enjoying it . ) Brianna and little William came in , and everyone sat downstairs watching a video . It made me glad to hear pieces of their quiet conversation floating up stairs . It looks increasingly as if our current house will sell , which means we will be into the new house sooner than we had planned , but , either way , we 're in a good place . Which means , if it doesn 't sell , we 'll stay here for the winter , and we 're good with one more winter in the old place . If it does sell , well , the prospect of a Christmas in the new house is exciting . ( Yes . I already know where I want to put the tree . ) I 've decided to be monitored in the big city , and I have my first appointment on Monday . I 'd been wavering for a long time , but I guess what underscored it for me was simply being in constant pain . I 'd gone for my regular appointment , and once again , I 'm asked to rank my pain . I commented that it was very bad , and the nurse looked at me and said , " but it 's just the normal pain , right ? " I guess that 's it , really , in the nutshell . I 'm in pain . I don 't see it as normal at all . The only answer they have is to try different pain medications . I can 't . The queen of side effects does not have time to be sampling at the great salad bar of prescription medications . I need to finish my courses . I need to drive to get there . I need to be clear headed . I am more interested in knowing what is causing the pain , and making the decision from there . In the meantime , Dr . Scholls ' sneakers are helpful . So , let me get up and get moving . I 've got to get the house squared away , and make the party food . Cara is making bebimbop for supper tonight . I am making marinated venison steaks for those who prefer not to eat spicy KPosted by It 's been ( what else ? ) busy here . Cara is home , and she is glad for that . Her lost baggage was found , and two heavy bags were delivered to our doorstep . It turned out to be so convenient that she has vowed to lose her luggage every time that she travels . We have had company every night , and we 've got a houseful coming for a party this weekend . Guests will begin arriving tomorrow , including Dylan and Brittani from Allentown . I cannot tell you why I 'm still awake . This is not a time to become an insomniac , to be sure . Let me try to hit the hay once again . James and Rosalind . William has his first experience with helium balloons When he kicked , those balloons bobbled around . He kicked a lot . He also squealed a lot , but I couldn 't get pictures of that , and it was too bad , really , because it was cute . When he pulled the strings , the balloons came in close , close enought to bat . That was some exciting stuff there , and the squealing hit a crescendo at about that time . It was awesome . It was a great wedding , Mr and Mrs . James S . Everyone had fun , right down to the littlest peanuts . Posted by Coming up for air . Yes . I got Cara . It was supposed to take one hour and 49 minutes . It took me two and a half hours . Gees . The road markers signs are verrrrrrrrrrrry far apart . I 'd driven so far I thought I made a mistake . I hadn 't . I got there . I picked up Cara , sans luggage , just a few minutes early . I 'd allowed myself an extra hour because I was traveling with a baby . William traveled well . Good as gold . Until we came home . He took a fit like none other . We took an hour break until he fell asleep and got back on the road again . Cara was exhausted . I was exhausted . William was exhausted . Two of this group got some good sleep on the way home . You may guess which two . We ran into terrible weather . The windshield wiper broke . I tried to call Tim . No answer . You may guess who started to get a little weepy at that point . ( Hint : William was still sound asleep . ) I went to bed late , and have to be at work by five am for freight day . Oh . Sunday night , I got new sneakers . Dr . Scholls . Yeah . I 'm gellin ' . They force you to walk different , and you do not come down on your heel . They are wierd to wear , but despite my doubts , they seem to help the leg and foot pain . This morning will be the test . Yeah . I know . I need to post pictures . It 's going to be a busy week . Party on Saturday , housefull of people coming in . I 'm not sure when I 'll actually get to it , but I will try . I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
Recent Comments Angelica Kidd on Night Crawler Journals ; do you … ImpromtDude on Losing you hurtImpromtDude on Exactly how I feel … ImpromtDude on I 'm so busy . ImpromtDude on Support : it 's a two - way … Archives May 2017 It 's been about two weeks since my cousin bought me those POP figures . That is two weeks too long for another one , which is why I 'm not waiting any longer . I have bought a figure that compliments my desk perfectly . It is the figure of my most favorite game and will sit high on my desk , in pride . If you know me , you should know that Fallout is my favorite game , ever . I first bought Fallout when I was a young snapper , about 14 , for the Xbox 360 . It was Fallout 3 to be exact . I walked through the door of Big Kids , walked over to the Xbox wall , and took a gander across the available titles . Nothing caught my eye quite like Fallout , but it was a little higher than I wanted to pay . But I didn 't want to leave empty handed , so I decided to buy it . I took it home , plopped it in and started to play . The game was horrible . I hated the game more than NASCAR for PS1 . I quickly went back to C . O . D and 2k . Years after that day , I found myself bored of the same games and wanted to do something new . Knowing that I had Fallout 3 , I chose to torture myself . But as I dove into the story of the young vault dweller , I found myself amazed . I was in love , but I wanted more guns . I didn 't want to beat everyone with a sledgehammer , but my first time through , I couldn 't find a gun for anything . This is when I bought New Vegas . It isn 't the sequel , but more of an additional story . Fallout : New Vegas takes place in post - apocalyptic , Las Vegas . In NV you are a character that gets shot in the head , but are saved from a Robot . As you start to travel to nearby areas , you find out pieces of the puzzle to who shot you , but also you meet new people and are able to take some amazing quests . I beat the entire game , racking up over 100 hours while finding every location , and finishing as many side quest as possible . I would play NV hours on in , every night . Fallout is amazing . I love the story modes . The open world helps kill time , and allows you to venture out and find new things . Also with the secret locations and weapons , it surely is a game that will keep you busy for a while . So when I found that Wal - Mart had " Vault boy " I had to grab it . I am so happy to add him to the collection , and hope to add more shortly ! Impromtdude This is stupid . Why do we have to wait , when clearly this is your job ? You have lines at every register , so why are you just chilling ? Any employee could grab a spot and get a few people out , relieving some of the line and helping the waiters finally get home . When I come to Wal - Mart , I am looking for a quick journey . I don 't want to shop for hours , and I defiantly don 't want to wait in line for an hour . I want to get my crap , and get out . Why is this so hard ? Oh because Wal - Mart hires dumbass lazy teens that don 't want to work , their management is in the break room , and there is no leadership ! How could you expect any store to run fine , when your managers are sitting in the back ? Or worse , the one manager ( that 's up front ) is on the phone talking to someone about nothing work related . Either way , I know I 'm pissed ! There is nothing more annoying than waiting for no apparent reason ! It has been 20 minutes ( at this point ) and we are just now being helped ! Finally ! But with this experience , I now know why I go to Meijers . They are friendly , they always help when they see you , and open enough registers to get people out quickly ! I hate Wal - Mart ! Impromtdude A year ago , I posted a status telling everyone about my novel , and offering someone a free copy when it came out . Since then I have scraped two versions of the story and have started to plan for a new idea . This will still have the original plan , but a different plot and storyline . I couldn 't get into the previous story , which overall just caused me to stumble back and lose interest in the story . While I lost interest in the original story , I have been planning a great new novel . I have started to plan the new story , which is in the outline process , and I hope to get the outline done within the next 2 months . From that point it should take 4 months to get this novel wrote . It seems impossible to get a novel wrote in 4 months , but with the help of a novel writing planner , I should be able to get this done in that time frame . I am also working on the " The good , the great , the best . " Which is a project bringing all my great work together , slowly preparing my portfolio . I have a lot of post to go through , and that 's what Is taking so long on that project . I have a lot on my plate , and I couldn 't be more excited about it . This is the life of a writer . We start multiple projects and must find a way to get them all done , in a timely fashion . But I am excited , nonetheless . It feels good to see things coming together . I wanted to let everyone know that I am still working hard on those projects , and that I am hoping to have them done very soon ! Thanks for all the support . Impromtdude I was talking to my co - workers , and they asked me if I watch Disney movies . I simply chuckled , since I have only watched a handful of Disney movies , all together . When I reveal the titles that I havwnt watched , they exploded . They were in such shock that I hadn 't watched them that they threatened to hold me down , and force me to watch every movie . In honor of that conversation , I want to reveal the Top Ten Disney movies I haven 't watched . There are a lot more that aren 't listed . I could probably save the trouble , and post of the ones I have watched . I just have never found them interesting . But it looks like they are going to force me to see them , and I won 't be able to sleep this time around . Impromtdude After a long day at work I went to burger King . I have been hearing a lot about their new product , ' Mac N ' Cheetos , and wanted to give them a try of my own . They just seemed like a really delicious and genius idea . I love Cheetos , also , so that was the plan after a easy 8 - hour shift . But nothing goes as planned in life . I had someone call off , so I was forced to stay at work for an additional 4 hours . It was 8 p . m . by the time I got off , and 8 : 30 by the time I got home . This put a real damper on my whole day . I wanted to come home and go out with my wife , but it was too late for that , so we decided to go get a pizza and watch a movie , at home . While heading home I saw a burger King . I suddenly remembered that they had the ' Mac N ' Cheetos , " my stomach began to growl . I gave into my inner beast and pulled into the drive - thru . When I got to the speaker , a woman came across sounding rude . I ordered the Cheetos with a large root beer . She told me that it would be a 2 minute wait , in which I glad took , which pissed her off even more . Not caring since it 's her job , I pulled around , and got my money ready . She came to the window , gave me my drink and told me to pulled ahead . I waited about a minute , then she came out of the store and handed me the bag . The smell of hot cheese filled the car as my inner beast growled . I decided to wait until we got home to eat them , mainly just so I could take a picture . . because that 's who I am . When I pulled the product from the box , I noticed that it was perfectly sized as a Cheeto . I was happy about this , it gave me hope that this wasn 't a waste of money . But shape isn 't everything , what matters is how it taste . Yeah size is good , but it has to have a distinct taste for me to come crawling back . I took a huge bite . It was like heaven in my mouth . The cheese was just right . The mixture wasn 't to cheesy , but also wasn 't blan . When I first took a bite , I did feel like I was eating a Cheeto , but then the inner Mac and cheese kicks you in the tongue , causing an explosion of amazingness in my mouth . There were only 10 , which wasn 't enough . I am excited to have these delicious treats , again . I have never reviewed anything . But I would recommend this product , any day . I could eat ' Mac N ' Cheetos ' everyday , and never get tired of them . The only thing that I didn 't like was the fact that they only come in one small size , but at $ 2 . 49 / 5 I couldn 't complain too much . I highly recommend you run to Burger King , right now , and grab you some ; ) . Thanks for the support on the last post , I really appreciate it . I was waiting for this story to calm down before I wrote about it . I wouldn 't want to get attention to my blog for something as horrible as this , but now it has went below the viral surface , so I want to talk about it . Recently , we lost one of my favorite artist , Christina Grimmie , from a gunshot . She was doing a show in Orlando , Florida . She was so excited about the show that she invited everyone to the show via social media , through a video . The show was great , I assume . After the show , Christina was signing autographs at her meet and greet , when a sick individual walked up to her and pulled a gun on her , shooting her in three times . Her brother , Mark , was standing near the killer , tackling him when he pulled the trigger , bringing him to the ground . But as he was on the ground the killer , Kevin James , pulled the gun on himself . Kevin James was said to be a huge fan , and fantasized about being with the young artist . He was picked on by his peers , as they told him " You will never have a chance . " The idea of never having her drove him insane . Christina was the of the final contestants in the 2014 " The Voice . " She didn 't win , but she did take third place . After the finale of " The voice , " Adam Levine expressed his desire to sign her to his label , 222 records . She ultimately decided to sign with Island Records , founded by Chris Blackwell . Christina has released three albums ; Find me ( 2011 ) , With love ( 2013 ) , and Side A ( E . P . ) ( 2016 ) . With love was the only Studio Album she recorded , and was an independent release . She was dropped from Island Records in 2015 . Then announced a new album later that year . She released " Side A " in 2016 as an E . P . in indication that " Side B " would be coming soon . But with the incident , that sadly won 't be possible . She was only 22 when she went home to her heavenly father , a short life for such a beautiful woman . Her biggest dream was to make people happy , and for her music to get out to everyone . Christina was the funniest and sweetest YouTube artist , it is a shame that she was taken from us so soon . She will never be forgotten . Impromtdude @ Facebook . com / impromtdude Hey guys , I hope you are having an amazing day . It has been a slow dragging day , but I 'm work now and ready to relax . I have a Friday off , tomorrow . A first in a long time , so I hope to relax and catch up on writing and other various things . Today , I want to say " I love my family ! " This includes any aunt 's , uncles , cousins , brothers , sisters , and parents . I love all of my family . They are super supportive ( especially my dad , ) and they would do anything to help me , which is why I love them ! But I have to give a huge shoutout to someone that isn 't even blood ! My cousin , Matt , is truly amazing . The other day , I wrote a post about my new Flash figure . In the post I was talking about how I wanted to get a Jason Vorhees figure and a Hulk figure . I had all the intentions on buying them , I just wanted to get bills paid first , then I would buy the figures . Well , I got into the car yesterday for work . Ariel and I were giving him a ride ( since they work together . ) He got into the car and handed me a big box ! I had forgotten that I even posted a post about those figures , so imagine the surprise when I opened the box . I opened the box to see the two figures , laying right beside each other . My once tired body was now awake as I was filled with joy . The figures looked amazing in person , better than they looked online ! My collection is satisfyingly complete . I would be okay with never getting another figure ! I want to say thanks to this amazing dude ! You are truly a great friend , family , and brother ! I could never ask for a better family member ! Thank you for caring and for thinking of me , I 'm in awe of the selfless act . It might seem like a small gesture , but it means a lot that someone would go out of their way to make someone happy . Now , I want to introduce the new members to the clan . Jason Vorhees ( my favorite serial killer ) and The Hulk ( my favorite Marvel superhero ) are now on the desk of fame , and are now considered family ! Impromtdude We ran to the other side of the room , missing the attackers grasp by inches . He stared at us with a dirty grin and picked up his shovel . As he walks towards us , he throws the head of the shovel into a stack of plates , shattering all of them , and throwing broken glass on to the kitchen floor . I let out a really loud scream as the glass hits the ground . But Amanda was staying calm , she stood in the middle of the old man and myself . She began to reason with the man . " Sir , this isn 't what it seems . You think that we were trying to cross into your territory but that isn 't the case . We were out of alcohol , and we didn 't want to stop the party . That was the fastest way to the convince store , so we thought taking that would help . We didn 't even know you were still back there in that trailer . We weren 't trying to make you angry . If you leave now , everything that happened tonight will be forgotten . " Amanda took a step towards the man , trying to show that she was serious , but she over stepped her boundaries . He grabs her by her throat and starts to choke her . She broke lose the first time by slamming her arm down into his elbow . But he quickly recovered and got her back into the choke hold . I was frozen to the wall as I watched my best friends ' face turning color . I knew that I needed to do something or she would be dead in no time . So I run over to the kitchen and grab one of the pieces of glass off the ground and walk over to the man that was on his knees and this point . I jab him in the back with the glass . This caused him to grab me and throw me on the ground . He walks over to me , saliva running down his chin , his tongue sticking out fully , as if he were trying to bite the organ off . He took his foot and pushed me back fully on the ground , and lifted his leg as he was about to stomp on my head . I had my whole life flash in front of my eyes as I close my eyes and started praying to God . There was a loud manly scream , then I felt someone grab me , I started to push the person off as I open my eyes . It was Amanda telling me that we needed to run . We got outside and tried to get into her car , but the Maniac was parked behind all the cars . She looks at me and then tells me that we could run into the woods and run to the old prison . We decide that is the best option at this point , and started to run to the woods . At that moment the door to the house flew wide open , releasing a man with a missing eye . Amanda had jabbed him in his eye to save my life making this man very angry . He started to run towards us . We got to the edge of the woods and look back , he is running full speed at us . We take off again as we try to outrun him . He got into the woods and took at different path , we lost our site of him , but we could hear his shovel bouncing off each of his passing trees , then when we were expecting it , he appears out of the shadows and slams his shovel into Amandas ' ankle , breaking the bone . Amanda lets out a big scream , and tries to run away , he tried to hit her again , but this time I ran up to him and put my finger deeply into his missing eye , he screamed as Amanda got up . When I saw her limping away , I threw my leg into his balls and ran away , catching up to my friend and helped her . It was five minutes later when we finally saw a house up the way , we need to get her ankle elevated , not thinking that he was going to catch up to us , we decide to take a break in the house . We hurried into the house , Amanda immediatly took a seat as I looked around the house . This house was filthy , there were cans of beans laying around , clothes on the ground , and cocroaches climbing the walls . This was a horrible place to be , but it was going to do until we could go back outside . With the premises checked , I want to see how bad her ankle is , so I walk over to her and ask her to take off her shoe . As she took off her shoe , I could see that she had broken the bone . It was swollen with a sharp piece of bone pushing out her skin . He had shattered the bone in complete , but it was something that a doctor could easily fix when we get her to the emergency room . She was being so tough , she is trying to get me to laugh , but my only worry is her and her health . " Oh shit " Amanda whispered to me as she ducked down , I followed her and asked her what it was . She explained to me that she heard a whistle , the same sound that the guy made as he walked up on her and Alex early that night . I wanted to see if there was any sign of him , but Amanda told me to not check . I sat there holding on to her scared to death . She was just sitting there though , it was as if she didn 't care what happened next . We heard the whistle getting louder , so I took the leadership and told her that I was going to check out the window for the man . As I glanced out the window , I saw the man . He was standing a hundred yards away , patting his shovel against his arm . As I was about to get back down , he looked over at me , he noticed that we were in the house , so he started to walk this way . I got sat back down and told Amanda that we need to get down and hide . She pulled the cover over her head with a hammer , that she found in a toolbox , and lied there . I lied next to the couch , in a position that the window was a blind spot for anyone . We have been sitting in our position for almost ten minutes , so I figure that it was clear to get back up and make sure that he had left . I got up and looked out the window , I can 't see anything , but then as I was about to get Amanda , the man put his head through one of the holes in the boarded windows and tried to grab me , I scream , immediatly Amanda got up and smashed his hand with the hammer . I helped Amanda get up and helped her limp out of the house . But as we got out of the house , the man came around the corner , forcing us to take another route . We didn 't get far until Amanda couldn 't go any farther . Her ankle was finally hurting more than she could bare . She fell to the ground , with the guy only a few yards away , I tried to get her back up but she couldn 't . She tries to tell me to leave her , but that wasn 't an option . " I will die with you before I leave you . " I got ready for the battle of my lifetime ! The day , at work , was just beginning . I was tired from the lack of sleep , so I was a little behind . But it was 7 a . m . This was the time that we were suppose to be open . I told myself that I would catch up the other stuff as soon as I opened . As I went to open the gate , I remembered that I needed a bag of popcorn . Knowing that I had a few seconds , I ran back and grabbed one solo bag . This was at the same time I heard my co - worker tell someone I was coming . I ran to the front of the story , huffing from annoyance . Saying under my breath " You could just go to another store . " I didn 't mean it , I just get annoyed by the impatience of people . I understand it was 7 , but you could also just calm down , since it was only 7 : 01 . I get up to the front of the store and see two people standing on the other side of our fenced down . I slide one side of the door open , and they shot into the store and up to the register , almost as they were about to shout out their order . I took my time opening the other side of the fence . At this time , the lady looks over at me and smiles . I could tell that she was going to be very sweet and caring , so I hurried with the door and walked over to my register . I greeted her , took her order , and began to make her small black coffee . This was when I noticed something from the corner of my eye . The other person was gone , he left . I hate when costumers leave , because I want to give everyone the best customer service ever , but with our selected menu , I figured he wanted something we didn 't have . I handed this lady her coffee , and walked to the back to grab a line of cups . I round the corner to see another couple coming into the store . I walked to the front , dropped some hashbrowns , and took their order . They wanted a simple 2 meals . I filled the orders within minutes and took it out to their table . They were all smiles and giggles . I got a little energy from them as I was still trying to wake up . Twenty minutes go by , it is now 7 : 26 a . m . I was in the middle of another order when the phone rings . The phone only rings at this time in the morning if someone wants to borrow something , or someone is trying to call off . I couldn 't answer it , anyway , since I had a customer in front of me . I heard the ringing stop , figuring it was them hanging up I went back to doing my job . Moments after getting the people out of my lobby , my co - worker came up to me with the phone to his ear . bI gave him a look , a " who dat " look , he mumbled a few things and then handed me the phone . I greeted the lady over the phone , but she jumped straight to the point . " This is the 911 dispatcher , we just got a call , from a lady , saying you guys were being held up ? " I laughed inside and replied " MAM , that is impossible , we have only been open for a few minutes . " She replied " This call was from a few minutes ago . The lady said she was in the store when a guy walked up , he called your co - worker to the side and slid him something in a napkin . Your co - worker slid the napkin under the counter and handed him money . We need to know , did he force you to give him money . Are you okay ? " I realized this was no joke , and I quickly told her that we were okay , and that if anything was going on , we would not hesitate to give her a call . She sounded relieved as she told me to have a good day . After getting off the phone , I walked up to my co - worker and told him the situation . He shook his head and tld me that he owed him money and that he didn 't want the lady thinking he was drug dealing , so he placed the money in a napkin and gave it to him . We both chuckled at the situation and went along with our day , writing little hold up notes the whole day . In this world , there are some crazy people . I understand that this lady was trying to help , but the better way to help is to not leave . She never nudged me about the situation , or even gave hints that there was anything going on . She simply left . What if we were actually being held up ? At the time that she called , the store would have been robbed . All I am saying , is maybe next time , she should stay until she knows that we okay . Nonetheless , we do appreciate the lady for caring , and want to llet her know that we are glad she profiled the black male that was getting his money back . Without you , this world woruldnt be safe I am not the biggest fan of myself , every now and then . I actually hate myself most of the time , and the reason is simple ; I get bored of something really easily , even if I am doing amazing at it . I have always had this problem , and it is something that has held me back in life , and in my dreams . I got bored with getting better with my Punting skills , I gave up on getting better with my guitar skills , and I have slowed down in my writing . I wouldn 't say this is due to boredom , but I wouldn 't know what to call it , so I will call it boredom . I can never keep with one thing , long . I find myself going through a lot of phases , never getting great at everything , but staying average at everything . Its like if I got great at something , then I would get even more bored , and I would walk away from it . But if I take breaks from it , then I will always have to get better , killing more time and keeping the challenge in the hobby . This is why I have been slowing down on writing , well I think that 's the reason ? I saw myself slowing down on my writing career , when I started to get apparel . I was about to release a clothing line , new stickers , and many other things . This is when I started to feel myself pull back from the writing . It seemed that my mind knew that we were getting stuff done , and it got scared , stopping my body on a dime . I don 't know what is scary about blowing up , but it is a fear inside myself . I am legit scared to become someone in the writing world , that I will compromise my writing routine , disabling myself from becoming something . I just don 't know why its so scary . I would love to become famous , I would love for my writing to get noticed , and for it to be in newspapers , magazines , and various other outlets . I love the idea of the challenge , and would love for the idea to come into reality . I am hoping that the fear will end , soon . I am forcing myself to write . I hate forcing myself to do something that I am hesitant to do , and would love to get over this , so I can start writing freely again . I would love some encouraging words , it really helps ! Thank you , with your help , we will finally get over this ! Impromtdude @ Facebook . com / impromtdude Recent Comments Angelica Kidd on Night Crawler Journals ; do you … ImpromtDude on Losing you hurtImpromtDude on Exactly how I feel … ImpromtDude on I 'm so busy . ImpromtDude on Support : it 's a two - way … Archives May 2017 |
Have you ever been told that you think too much ? Lucky you if you have , but don 't worry if you haven 't , you can still read The Inkling . At The Inkling you can look forward to weekly installments of our serial " The Inklings " , weekly solutions to your problems by The Spark , finding out how one lucky person went at our monthly challenge and feature articles every two months By firstinklings On Sunday morning Fanta and her sisters were having a late breakfast when the doorbell rang . It was Syafika . She burst in talking about how she didn 't know what to do about Anthony because he 'd told her to call him but wasn 't answering the phone . Fanta asked Syafika to sit down at the table and poured her some tea . " Let 's try now " said Fanta . Fanta dialed Anthony 's number and put the phone to Syafika 's ear . It rang a couple of times then a robotic voice announced that the number had been disconnected and that they should check the number and dial again . " I don 't understand ! " said Syafika . " He told me call him when I got home from the conference yesterday , so I did but there was no answer . There was no answer any time I called yesterday afternoon or evening . And now the number is disconnected ! How am I supposed to contact him now ? " This calmed Syafika down a bit . It was true . Anthony had disappeared from her life a couple of times before and she always ended up bumping into him again . " I don 't think rents will go down very soon " said Fanta . " But at the same time it seems ridiculous to have to spend so much money . That 's more than I pay for my mortgage . Why don 't you rent my spare rooms instead . You can have them for the same rent you pay now . " And so it was decided that John and D ' arby would stop looking for flats and when they had to move , they 'd move in with Fanta . Everyone felt happy with this decision , except Syafika . She felt left out , but she was still too absorbed with Anthony to sulk about it . D ' arby sighed and said " I don 't know why . Maybe I 've just never met anyone I wanted to have a romantic relationship with " . D ' arby didn 't like the incredulous looks he was getting and decided he wanted to leave . He looked at his watch then said " I need to go and work on my thesis now " . " I hope you get the job ! I think this application should get you the job . I think it is better than the one I did when I got my job " said Syafika . " I think someone from Human Resources goes through all the applications and removes any that aren 't complete . If there are still too many they probably have to pick out the ones they think best meet the selection criteria . Then they give the shortlisted ones to a panel and the panel interivews people and decides who is best . " said Syafika . " Not sure . Christine probably … and one other person from the team . They have to have someone from another team too - three people altogether , or at least there were three people on the panel when I applied . " By firstinklings When D ' arby got home he found a pile of papers sitting on the table . There were leaflets with descriptions of flats available in the area and some rental application forms . D ' arby looked at the leaflets and became alarmed by how high the rents were . Then he noticed that one of the rental application forms had been partially filled in . John 's handwriting was quite child - like and some words had capital letters in the middle of them . But what struck D ' arby the most was John 's birthdate - according to the form his birthday was 1st January , which would have been a week ago . D ' arby felt bad that he had never thought to ask when John 's birthday was and now he 'd missed celebrating it . Then he wondered why Fanta hadn 't done anything to celebrate John 's birthday either . D ' arby set his alarm for 1am because he wanted to discuss the effectiveness of his pills with John when John got home from work , but D ' arby needn 't have set the alarm . There was no way D ' arby was going to be able to sleep when there were important questions he needed answers to . D ' arby had almost made up his mind that his pills didn 't actually do anything , but because that was such a disappointing conclusion to make he kept going over the evidence again and again , hoping that he 'd missed something that would allow him to change the conclusion . Most of D ' arby 's thinking focused on when John and Andrew had taken the pills because both had changed behavior as soon as they took the pills . D ' arby had taken this instant change to be evidence that his pills worked but now that he knew that Andrew knew D ' arby had put pills in his coffee D ' arby needed to consider that maybe John and Andrew had only changed because they knew they were taking pills and so expected to change . What also distinguished the cases of John and Andrew was that they were both in stressful situations at the same time ( John thought he 'd been poisoned and Andrew thought his wife had run off to live with hippies ) . D ' arby realized that he wouldn 't have been accosted by John if John hadn 't been near rock - bottom and D ' arby wouldn 't have spiked Andrew 's coffee if he hadn 't felt Andrew needed it . So maybe it was the situation that made John and Andrew change , and not the pills . If he was able to temporarily accept that his pills didn 't work then D ' arby still had other questions to answer . Like why they didn 't work - was his initial idea wrong or was it the execution that was wrong ? Would the pills work if the production process was tweaked or had D ' arby misunderstood how they would affect the brain ? Was it worth doing more work on the pills , or was the risk of being caught too high , and the chance of success too low ? At 1am John was still walking home . D ' arby got out of bed when his alarm went off and went to watch the street from the living room window . As D ' arby waited for John he realized something that cheered him up - people can change without pills ! It was one of those revelations that seem enormous if they are had in the middle of the night or when you are tired . In the morning D ' arby would realise that his night - time realization was nothing new and that triggering change was probably just as hard as coming up with pills that make people change , but for now D ' arby was happy because he thought he 'd made real progress . It was only when D ' arby saw John coming down the street that D ' arby realized what this new information meant for John . It meant that John hadn 't been magically cured by pills . It meant that there was no permanent change in John - nothing to stop him from going back to his old ways . " I 'm fine " answered D ' arby . " I just wanted to say how sorry I am that we missed your birthday last week . I saw your birthdate on that application form on the table . " " Don 't worry about my birthday . I don 't like to celebrate getting older so I don 't tell anyone when my birthday is . Do you want to know about the flats I saw ? " asked John . " First I looked at a place that cost the same as this one , but there was such a long queue of people looking at it that I had to wait half an hour to get inside . While I was waiting one of the neighbours came out of their flat and told me not to move in to the building because the ceiling always leaks and everything goes mouldy . When I eventually got inside I looked up and saw that the living room ceiling was covered with black mould and there was water dripping in one corner . It didn 't seem to put other people off though and when everyone else took an application form I got scared and asked for one too . " " Sort of " said John . " The second place I looked at cost 30 % more than this one , and from the outside the block looked ok , but the Real Estate agent didn 't turn up . I know it wasn 't that I made a mistake about the time because there were about 10 other people waiting too . Afterwards I walked to the office to ask what had happened and they said the place had already been leased " " I was a nice place , but nothing special , really just similar to this one . One bedroom , quiet street , small block . And for double the rent we pay now . " " I do make more money than that every week , but there wouldn 't be much left over . We 'd go from ' comfortable ' to ' struggling ' I reckon " said John . " I took an application form though . The agent said to get it in by Monday lunchtime " . " I think we should talk to Fanta tomorrow " said D ' arby . " She might be able to tell us whether we should wait and look for something better or take what we can before rents go up even more . It will also give us an opportunity to joke about moving in with her " . By firstinklings Binta wondered why it was that after arguing with someone she always felt so much better , even when nothing had been resolved . Ever since she 'd yelled at Fanta , Binta had felt much more positive about what had happened . She and Ousman had started talking again , and most importantly , Binta wasn 't angry with him or Fanta anymore . She wasn 't quite ready to admit that she was happy about what they 'd been up to , but she was excited to think that Ousman might soon meet his father . She wondered what Mamadou would think of their son and before she could stop herself , Binta started wondering what Mamadou would think of her now . Binta remembered when , earlier that year , Fanta had given Syafika a painting done by Mamadou . Now she realized that Fanta must have known who Mamadou was when she met him on holiday and bought that painting . Indeed , Fanta must have already known who Mamadou was before she visited him - Fanta must have tracked Mamadou down and just pretended she was a tourist . Binta blushed when she realized that Fanta must have known who Mamadou was talking about when he told her ( thinking she was just a tourist ) that he 'd been planning to marry an Australian woman until he found out that she didn 't trust him . At the time Binta wished she could have told her side of the story , but now she realized that she may as well go along with Mamadou 's version because it was true that she hadn 't trusted Mamadou . When it happened Binta thought she had good reason not to trust Mamadou , but now she could see that she had added a large amount of imagination to small inconsistencies in some of the things Mamadou said . In her head she had turned minor things into major ones and instead of asking Mamadou to explain things that didn 't make sense she 'd accused him of things he hadn 't done . " I should have known ! " said Binta to herself when she remembered how every time she 'd gotten angry with Mamadou he 'd been able to turn things around and make it her fault . Of course it made sense that their arguments would always be at least partly because of things Binta did , so it wasn 't fair for her to assign all the blame to Mamadou in the first place , but Binta hadn 't been able to see that when she was angry . Binta hoped she was wiser now . She didn 't think that Mamadou would have forgiven her though and hoped that Mamadou wouldn 't let his anger at her affect his relationship with Ousman . By firstinklings Syafika was furious to wake up and realise that it was Monday . She 'd wasted the weekend waiting for Fanta to call and apologise ( which Fanta hadn 't done ) and now , not only was it time to go back to work again , but because Fanta hadn 't apologized Syafika had to decide whether to demonstrate her hurt by staying home that night and missing the meeting ( which she had really been looking forward to ) or to go to the meeting and risk looking like she wasn 't very upset with Fanta . Syafika picked up the phone and was about to call Vincent and ask him what she should do when she realized that she couldn 't do that either because she 'd promised Vincent she wouldn 't go to any more of the meetings . Since Wednesday Syafika had been stewing . She was incredibly hurt that Fanta had been keeping secrets from her and was even more hurt ( and very jealous ) that Fanta had been collaborating with her awful little cousin Ousman . Another element of Syafika 's hurt was that she was starting to realize that she needed Fanta more than Fanta needed her . At last Syafika decided to give in and go to the meeting . Staying home would just make her even angrier . Besides , Fanta would have probably made a nice cake for dessert . Poor John wasn 't in a good way either . The scare he 'd got when Vincent turned up at Syafika 's place had made him start thinking about the precarious situation he was in . Since then John had spent every spare moment thinking about how he could avoid going to gaol . He was now feeling really depressed because he couldn 't think of a way of cutting off his past . And John wasn 't worried just for himself . He could see that whatever happened to him would also affect Fanta , his family and even D ' arby . It would even affect their plans to " save the world " . Syafika was right , Fanta did make a cake for the meeting . As Fanta took it out of the oven that afternoon she was wondering whether the meeting would go any better than their first . Fanta was hoping that if she made an extra special dinner it would help Syafika forgive her . Fanta was also worried about John , who had been distant that week . She could tell something was on his mind but when she asked him if anything was wrong he tried to pretend that nothing was . Fanta finished setting the table just at the time they 'd agreed to meet . Then she looked out the window but couldn 't see any of her guests coming so she went to check that there was a fresh hand towel in the bathroom . Fanta then spent the next half an hour doing various unimportant household jobs , and checking out the window every five minutes or so . Finally she sat down and regretted having organized for her aunt and uncle to take her sisters out for the evening because it looked like nobody was going to turn up for the meeting . Who was going to eat all the food now ? Then there was a knock at the door and the next thing Fanta knew , John and D ' arby were showering her with excuses for being so late . Just behind them was Syafika . She came in without saying much and soon all of them were sitting around the table . Dinner was strangely silent . D ' arby kept getting out his notes , looking at them , folding them up and putting them back in his pocket . The rustling sound was annoying Syafika . She hadn 't brought any notes this time . She 'd been too angry to remember to bring her notes and was disappointed because she couldn 't remember her ideas without them . " I 've been trying to work out whether there is any root cause to the rot we were talking about last week . Is there any one thing that we can focus on that will make more difference than others ? Anyway , this is what I 've come up with so far : It all started while I was watching the news . The usual finance reporter was showing graphs and talking about how consumers where still saving rather than spending so the retail outlook was grim and economic growth was threatened . I started to wonder whether all these " consumers " were really saving , or whether they 'd made the same realization that I 'd made and had decided they didn 't want to be consumers anymore . What if everyone stopped buying so much because they didn 't want to keep using resources unsustainably ? What would that do to the economy ? Would there be a recession ? A depression ? What are those things anyway ? Can our economic system survive if we live more sustainably ? I mean , even with increased efficiency , continual economic growth is impossible so either we stuff the planet or we stuff the economy , right ? I know I 'm not the only person who can see this problem so why are we so determined to stick to this path ? Why aren 't we changing the economy ? Anyway , if these rich people don 't care that they are destroying the planet and that they will be remembered as having been the biggest arseholes who ever lived , then why not ? Are they psychopaths ? Let 's assume that they are , even just for the fun of it . " D ' arby paused and looked at his audience . They seemed to be paying attention but he wasn 't sure they were following . He hadn 't been following his notes so he put them down on the table and just kept talking without them . I 've been reading papers about psychopaths and I can 't say things are very clear . There isn 't total agreement on what one is , let alone on what to do about them . Some people reckon they might be able to come up with a treatment , but I can 't imagine psychos volunteering to take medication . I also worry that if we knew what makes a psycho someone would probably have a go at creating more of them - in some professions having empathy holds you back . This gets me back to behaviour and the only thing I 've ever been able to change . I think I know how to cure addiction , but can I cure a psychopath ? Should I spend my time trying to work out how to do something I 'm not sure I 'll ever be able to do or should I spend my time doing something I have already done before ? Or can we do both ? " D ' arby stopped again and looked at his audience , waiting for an answer but their faces were blank . This response made D ' arby very annoyed . He sighed and sat down , shaking his head and was about to voice his disgust when John 's face lit up . By firstinklings Fanta was anxious as she walked to Syafika 's place . Syafika had invited Fanta to dinner because Ousman and Binta were also coming for dinner and Syafika hoped that Fanta being there too would somehow make it more bearable . Fanta had a feeling that there would be arguments tonight though . " What are you doing ? " asked Fanta , with pain in her voice . The gardenias were flowering and smelt beautiful . Fanta couldn 't understand why Rose would be destroying them . Rose stood up and pointed down the street . " Look ! " she said . " See how many houses now have vegetables growing in their front yards ? I used to grow vegetables and herbs and tomatoes in the front yard , but then all the rich people started moving into the street and they looked down their noses at me and complained that the fertilizer I was using stank , so I moved the veggie patch to the back yard and planted gardenias here instead . " " Well , then a few months ago it started to be trendy to grow your own vegetables and so now everyone has been pulling up their gardenias and planting vegetables ! See number 32 ? They even have a worm farm ! " said Rose . " Yes ! So now I 'm going to plant basil and chives and chillies and rockmelons and sunflowers and zucchinis and whatever else I like ! And then I 'm going to put on the stinkiest fertilizer I can find . I might even try to get some chicken or cow pooh " said Rose and she chuckled . Fanta was going to ask Rose where Syafika was and whether Ousman and Binta were there yet , but Rose had returned her attention to digging , so Fanta went inside instead . Not surprisingly , Binta was in the kitchen preparing dinner . Ousman was there too . Binta had given him the job of washing the vegetables and while he wasn 't reluctant to do the job , he wasn 't giving it his full attention . When he heard Fanta say hello to his mother , Ousman turned around with a smile on his face . Binta wasn 't smiling though . She stopped what she was doing and looked sternly at Fanta . Fanta realized that Binta had found out about her secret project . She hadn 't really expected such anger to be directed at her though . Fanta was certain she 'd been doing a good thing . There were plenty of things Fanta could have said , but because she could feel tears forming in her eyes she turned and left instead . As she walked off down the street Fanta knew that she would regret not having stayed to explain things , but couldn 't bear to go back . Fanta was used to people she didn 't know assuming that her sisters were really her daughters , but she hadn 't expected it from someone she considered to be a friend . She imagined Syafika 's family discussing her - talking about her having been a teenage mother and how she tried to trick people into thinking her kids were her sisters . Fanta wondered what Syafika really believed . Fanta 's sisters were almost young enough to be her children and she was their guardian but Fanta was hurt that these people might not believe her when she said they were not her children . Fanta was also hurt by Binta saying that she didn 't know what was good for Ousman . Maybe Syafika hadn 't told Binta how Fanta 's father had died just before Fanta 's youngest sister was born , or how Fanta 's mother had then abandoned them all and run off with a new man . After going through that , Fanta thought she did have some idea of what Ousman felt when his mother didn 't want him to know who his father was . Fanta wondered whether Binta was right to think that Fanta shouldn 't go out and leave her sisters behind . Fanta had always considered that she should be able to have a separate social life , like she would have if her parents had been around . She never left her sisters on their own , they always had a babysitter , and tonight they were home with their aunt and uncle , who were practically their parents anyway . Fanta wondered what would have happened if she had proposed to Binta that they try to find Ousman 's father . She knew Binta 's initial answer would have been " No ! " , but would Binta have eventually changed her mind ? Fanta decided that Binta probably would have eventually agreed with the plan to find Ousman 's father and Fanta began to regret not having discussed it with Binta first . She wished she had been able to say so . After gathering her thoughts on the walk home , Fanta realized she needed to call Syafika , who would at least need to know why she hadn 't stayed for dinner . Festus answered the phone . He 'd been instructed to tell Fanta that Syafika was too angry to talk to her . " Of course Syafika feels betrayed too " thought Fanta . She could imagine how angry Syafika would feel when she found out that she 'd been left out of a secret . After Fanta explained to her aunt and uncle why she 'd come home so early her uncle told her his news . He 'd had a phone call . The letter had been delivered successfully . Fanta smiled and hoped she 'd eventually be forgiven . By firstinklings Monday night had finally come around . John , Fanta , D ' arby and Syafika were all going to meet at Syafika 's place . All four of them had a lot on their minds . John 's preparation for the meeting involved writing one sentence on a piece of paper , but this wasn 't a sign of indifference . John was full of enthusiasm to do something good , and knew what he wanted to do - that 's why he only needed to write one sentence . The only thing bothering him about the meeting was that he wondered how he could discuss his idea without making two dangerous confessions . Fanta was a lot less certain of her ideas than John . She knew that there were some big things wrong in the world , but for some reason she couldn 't identify them , and so she had no chance of knowing what could be done about them . All she had written down were some ( probably minor ) things that regularly made her angry . She was looking forward to hearing what everyone else had come up with though . Fanta was also a bit distracted by a couple of things . One was a pleasant distraction - her uncle and aunt were in town and would be staying until after Christmas . The other distraction was a secret project , and Fanta was feeling guilty that she had to keep it secret from John and Syafika . D ' arby had written pages of dot points , but they weren 't a list of problems and solutions . Instead they were points he wanted to discuss as he tried to describe what he had decided might be the biggest problem in the world . D ' arby was also excited that his sister had given birth to a baby boy , and that she had done so in unexpected circumstances . D ' arby was going to travel to see his sister and his new nephew the next day . Syafika had written her list based on the things she found most awful about the world and although she 'd decided on solutions , she hadn 't really thought them through . She had spent a lot more time thinking about more T - shirt slogans though . She 'd even come up with a special one for D ' arby . Syafika was still busy tidying her room when John and D ' arby arrived . John had brought some cold pizza . Syafika was keen to know how the T - shirt give away had gone the night before but John was more interested in heating up and serving his pizza than discussing that . Syafika decided she 'd ask again when Fanta had arrived and everyone had settled down . " Syafika , aren 't you going to introduce your friends ? " asked Rose . After Rose was introduced to John and D ' arby Rose went on to tell Syafika how Festus was bringing home takeaway and they were going to have dinner in front of the TV so Syafika could have her meeting in peace . Syafika sighed with relief and went to get some napkins from the linen cupboard . " There was a mixed response " answered John . " Only one person was enthusiastic , but a few people took them - probably just because they were free . Most people looked confused at being offered a T - shirt or were offended by the slogan , or by me asking what size T - shirt they wore . People are complicated ! " " Well , if I see someone wearing one one day I 'll be happy . " said Syafika . " You will keep trying to give them away , won 't you ? I have some more ideas for slogans . Some might be more popular than others . " As the four friends ate their pizza D ' arby told everyone how his sister had given birth at the side of the road after having run away from her husband . Then Fanta told how her uncle and aunt were going to be staying with her for the next month and apologized to John that this meant she couldn 't go to his family 's Christmas lunch with him . John didn 't seem very upset about this . Syafika couldn 't help hoping that Fanta 's ideas were bad . She didn 't want to have the worst ones . She already felt that she was the stupidest person in the room . " Ok " said Fanta . " I couldn 't work out what the really big problems in the world are so I came up with two things that often bother me . First , I don 't like cars and secondly I don 't like smokers . I guess what I mean is that I would like to see cities and towns that were designed for people not cars ( I mean pedestrians mostly , I suppose , but bicycles are probably ok too - I might even ride one if I wasn 't scared of being hit by a car ) and I 'd like to be able to enjoy outdoor spaces without having to passive smoke . I mean , at cafes , in parks , at the bus stop , at the train station , while walking down the street … . " D ' arby raised an eyebrow at Syafika 's suggestion , which made her feel foolish . She realized she wasn 't really concentrating on the task at hand - she was still obsessed with T - shirts . But D ' arby wasn 't thinking that Syafika was a fool . He was actually impressed because he thought Syafika had very quickly compressed what Fanta had been saying into a single sentence . He didn 't know that Syafika was just using what Fanta said as an excuse to talk about T - shirt slogans . Then everyone turned back to Fanta and she realized that they were waiting for her solutions . " I don 't know how to fix these problems though " said Fanta . " I was hoping one of you would have some ideas " . " Can I go next ? " asked John . " I think my idea goes well with Fanta 's . I think the solution to my problem might also be part of the solution to hers . " And so John explained how he thought that the worst problem in the world was addiction , but not just to drugs . He included extreme behaviour like eating too much , or starving yourself , or accumulating too much money or too many shoes or gambling all your money away . " There are some things people become addicted to that you can 't remove from your life ( like food ) so I think that to avoid suffering and disasters people need to look for balance rather than seeking extremes and I think D ' arby may have already found part of the solution to this . " " Fanta , I only gave up drugs because D ' arby gave me some pills and they fixed me . I didn 't want to give up before that and I 'd never tried . I should have told you this but I thought it would have made you think less of me " said John as he looked pleadingly at Fanta . " I thought I told you not to do that ! " said D ' arby angrily , and he wished he was at home so he could check the state of his stash of special pills . D ' arby had been so distracted by his thesis lately that he 'd almost forgotten that John had intended setting a lab up for him at the back of the restaurant . Suddenly he had lots of questions . " I wish I knew ! " said John . " People come in and eat the pizza , pay and leave and I can 't really see any change , but I don 't know what I should be looking for . I don 't know who is an addict and who isn 't . I don 't know if the pills will work instantly if they are taken as part of a large meal . Does drinking alcohol with them stop them from working ? I don 't know anything really . I just hope I 'm doing some good and I 'd like to be able to do more . " " Good " said Syafika and was about to take another bite of pizza when from the corner of her eye she noticed something move in the doorway of the kitchen . Vincent was standing there . He was looking very angry . Everyone at the kitchen table turned to look at him and all of them were thinking the same thing - how long had he been standing there ? " Who were those men ? " asked Vincent . Syafika explained that John was Fanta 's boyfriend and D ' arby was John 's flatmate . Next Vincent wanted to know what they 'd been talking about . Syafika felt like a small child as she explained that they were thinking of ways to make the world a better place , but at least Vincent seemed to believe her . " I think you should stay away from John and D ' arby " said Vincent and then changed the topic . Vincent had come over as a surprise to give Syafika a CD that he 'd been enjoying . He didn 't stay long . Syafika could tell that he was disappointed with her . As she closed the door behind Vincent tears welled in her eyes . Syafika turned and ran to her bedroom , where she sat on her bed looking at her list of T - shirt slogans and ways to fix the world while she cried . Rate this : Share this : TwitterFacebookLike this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment | tags : D ' arby , Fanta , How much does your freedom cost others , John , People are complicated , Syafika , The Inkling , There was a mixed response , Vincent . | posted in Serial 19 / 12 / 2011 The Inklings : Chapter 19 By firstinklings It was a boring Sunday morning and Syafika and Fanta were not doing much , just sitting around at Syafika 's place and wishing that something would happen . They were both looking forward to their Monday night meeting with John and D ' arby . Both of them had already done their homework for the meeting , which was to write a list of things that they thought were wrong in the world and things they could do to make everything better . It was hard to resist discussing these lists before the meeting , but so far they had both managed to avoid the topic . Then the phone rang . It was John . He said he needed Fanta and Syafika 's help urgently and that it had something to do with T - shirts . Then he said where to meet him and hung up . Fortunately Syafika and Fanta were in the type of mood where they would volunteer for anything rather than stay at home doing nothing and so they left to meet John immediately . After a bit of walking Fanta and Syafika found John and D ' arby right where they said they 'd be - in the alley behind an old warehouse . Someone had left an enormous box of T - shirts out on the street , with a cardboard sign saying " Free to a good home " . John was sure that his place was as good a home as any . As soon as he and D ' arby had come across the T - shirts they had thought of a way to use them . D ' arby had once been a fan of screen printing and still had all the equipment . He and John were going to print T - shirts and give them away at the restaurant . They just had to get them home first . " See you back at our place ! " said D ' arby as he left in the taxi . Fanta and Syafika were beginning to wish they were still sitting around doing nothing as they began the walk back with John . All three of them were carrying large piles of T - shirts that hadn 't fitted in the taxi . " At least this pile is so high that nobody passing can see my face " said Syafika . She was embarrassed . She didn 't want to be seen scavenging . " Yeah , the disadvantage is that I can 't see where I 'm going " said Fanta and then walked straight into a post . After that , John insisted on carrying all of Fanta 's T - shirts , as well as his own . Fanta walked in front and guided John and Syafika past any obstacles on the footpath . " Dog pooh coming up " said Fanta " At the third step , take an extra large one . " She was enjoying herself . There seemed to be a lot more dog poohs on the walk back than John or Syafika had ever remembered . |
Mordechai took me into Shushan today . Not the Jewish part , that 's so crummy , but the real part where everybody else goes . He is so cool , you 'd never guess he was Jewish . He was wearing an incredible black and silver robe . Everybody looked at him like he was a nobleman , which he isn 't of course . He gave me a neat outfit to wear - it had a light blue top and a skirt with dark blue swirls . But I still felt like an ugly Jewish girl from the sticks . And my hair was the pits ; I was wearing a stupid ponytail like a little kid . You should have seen the girls in Shushan . Everybody puts their hair up in all kinds of cool buns or wears these amazing headpieces with beads and even gold and jewels . Then Mordechai took me to the courtyard of the palace . It was amazing . King Ahasuerus was staying in the palace so the full court was in session and everybody was just hanging around this big plaza in front of the palace . It was , like , a huge carnival . The women were so beautiful and the men all seemed rich . And Mordechai fit right in . He is so hot with a nice trim beard just like the Persians , not straggly like the Jews . Some men came right up to him ; I think he is doing some kind of deal . I felt like an ugly washrag among all these beautiful , cool people . Suddenly Queen Vashti appeared on a horse . She is , like , the most beautiful woman in the world . She was wearing the most brightly colored robes I ever saw , and they were billowing around her almost like a rainbow of clouds . She left her robe nearly wide open at the top . You could see the men trying to get a peek at her boobs . And her skirt was slit so high you could , like , see her legs all the way up to her thighs as she sat sidesaddle on the horse . The rabbi and the Jews around here would have fainted if they saw her . She was so awesome . Even the noblemen were drooling over her as she ordered them around . I 'd kill to be like her . Being Jewish sucks . After she disappeared into the palace , Mordechai took me to a café he knew . It was dark and very romantic and smelled of exotic teas and spices . He took my hand and then stroked my cheek and told me I was as beautiful as Vashti . Of course he was just saying it ; nobody could be as beautiful as Vashti , but I did like hearing it , especially from Mordechai . Then he put his arm around my neck and stroked my hair . He pulled me close and kissed me . I tingled at his touch . He 's nothing like the stupid Jewish boys at home . He really did make me feel beautiful . Everybody thinks he 's my uncle , my mother 's baby brother , but he isn 't really . He was taken in by my grandparents as a foster child , just another Jewish orphan after some pogrom where a lot of Jews got killed . So we 're not actually relatives at all , not through blood anyway . He is supposed to be watching out for me as my guardian now that my parents are dead , but he 's not even that much older than me . Anyway , he is so cool . Guess what ? The King has ordered up a huge party at the palace . It 's been going on for months already and nobody around here even heard about it . Of course , being Jews , we couldn 't go anyway . Jews can hardly do anything . But Mordechai was invited somehow to one of the banquets , and he asked me to join him . He 's got some deal going with some people in Shushan - they might not even realize he 's Jewish - and they invited him . My first thought was that I couldn 't go . For one , I 'm Jewish . Also , I don 't have anything like the kind of dress I would need . Mordechai told me to forget about the Jewish stuff and then he showed me a gorgeous gown that I could wear . I 'll have to make alterations but , hey , like I 'm going to a party at the palace , a real palace . The party is next Friday night , but that doesn 't seem to bother Mordechai even though he 's Jewish too . When my parents were alive they were so strict about Shabbat . We had to follow all these stupid rules from the Torah about what to eat and what to do and what we could do on Shabbat . I mean , it was really , like , pointless . We couldn 't do anything fun or go anywhere or do anything . Mordechai says he cares about Shabbat and all that Jewish stuff , but he says we can break the rules this time . I won 't argue . Sometimes he acts just like the Persians . I can 't believe it . Anyway , I can 't write any more . I have to get to work on this dress . It has gold and silver threads running through it . You won 't believe how beautiful it is . Oh , and I 'm not supposed to tell anybody around here about what we 're doing . My mouth is sealed , Diary , except for you of course . The party at the palace was incredible ! ! ! We were standing around in this big marble hall . The King made an appearance . Suddenly a bunch of guards rushed in and it sounded like they were blowing a million trumpets . Anyway , the King swooped into the hall along with Queen Vashti . She looked so beautiful , just as you would expect . She was wearing a dress made completely of strings of beads and jewels and when she walked it swished and you could really see her body , almost like she was naked . I don 't think she was wearing underwear or anything . I could never do that ; I 'd , like , die of embarrassment . But then , I don 't look anything like Vashti . She 's gorgeous . Some mean looking guy followed right behind them . Mordechai said the guy 's name was Haman and he was just promoted to some senior minister job . Mordechai said Haman is a real asshole . Supposedly the King doesn 't even like Haman but he got the job because the King owed some favor to someone who did like Haman . The King stopped and turned to the crowd . Everybody suddenly kneeled . We were standing way in the back where you could barely see . I didn 't know what to do so I kneeled too . Mordechai didn 't kneel . He just stood there way in the back . I don 't think the King even noticed , but Haman did . Haman glared at Mordechai before he rushed after the King . What the hell are you doing , I asked him after Haman left and everybody stood up again . Jews don 't kneel to people , he replied . Yeah , but Jews aren 't supposed to even be here , I told him . I really felt kind of awkward being there , especially as a Jew . I mean I never liked following all that Torah stuff or cared about anything Jewish but it 's kinda different when you 're here among all these non - Jews . As we approached the palace earlier in the day - on the way to the party - some old Jewish women who were loaded with packages of groceries and stuff were rushing to get home by Shabbat . All of a sudden , Queen Vashti with a bunch of soldiers following her came riding around a corner and almost hit the women , but she brought the horse to a stop just in time . Then , she took her riding crop and lashed out at the old women knocking them down while she yelled , get out of the way you old Jewish hags or I 'll have the King kill all of you . She was so mean . It was , like , really scary . I told Mordechai that maybe we shouldn 't go , you know , being Jewish and all . He hugged me and said not to worry about it , nobody will ever guess I 'm Jewish , we 'll blend right in . And then what does he do ? He stands up when everyone else is kneeling . Duh , like who 's going to stand out now . Then he said something about how important it is to get somebody Jewish into a high position in the palace , close to the King . That really bad things were , like , going to happen to the Jewish people in Persia and somebody had to be in position to protect them . Anyway , he was trying to think of a plan . If you think you 're going to be that person , don 't count on it , I told him , especially if he keeps pissing off powerful people like Haman . Sometimes I don 't understand him . But the party was really fun even if a lot of the food was really yucky - stuff I 'd never even seen before , like a whole pig with its head sitting right on the plate . It was gross . Mordechai came today and told me the weirdest news : Queen Vashti has been thrown out of the palace by the King . She 's been sent away forever , maybe even killed . Nobody really knows . And it was all because she refused to dance at some special dinner the King was giving for some really powerful old men . Do you believe it ? Just dancing at a party doesn 't sound bad to me . Actually it sounds like fun , more fun than I 'll ever have around here . Then Mordechai said she was supposed to dance naked , maybe even have sex with some of them . Now that 's completely different . Anyway , she refused and I don 't blame her ; she said she was tired . The King was going to just forget about it . He seems pretty easygoing . He has a big harem so he could just get some other girls to dance naked . I 've seen them . They are , like , all beautiful . But then the men who were there told the King that if he let Vashti get away with being insolent and not doing what she was told all the men in Persia would have trouble with their wives once word got around . So he kicked her out . Isn 't that mean ? I didn 't know what to think . I mean I kind of felt really sorry for Vashti , and it seems so unfair . But then , she also wasn 't exactly a nice person , like that time she whipped those old Jewish women before the party . Then Mordechai came up to me and started playing with my hair and looking me all over . What are you doing , I demanded . You know , he said , this might change a lot of things over at the palace , and a girl like me might go real far . Then he started to unbutton the top of my blouse so you could see part of my boobs . I , like , couldn 't believe what he was doing , but I was starting to get pretty turned on . I mean I had been dropping hints and coming on to him for weeks , but he was , like , oblivious . Anyway , I had never let any of the Jewish guys in this stupid town touch me like that before . They are all dorks who want nothing more than to go to some stupid yeshiva and sit around listening to some old fart . Anyway , Mordechai says that if I was willing I might score big ; we both could . It is all part of some sort of plan of God 's . I wasn 't sure what he meant . God 's never done anything for me before that I know about . Anyway , I suddenly wanted Mordechai to scoop me into his arms and smother me with hugs and kisses . He just gave me one little kiss and rushed out saying he was going to look into some things . There is going to be a big contest to find a new queen to replace Vashti , and Mordechai wants me to enter . He says he 'll sponsor me . At first I was excited when he told me , but then I didn 't think I wanted to do it . I mean , if I won , which I certainly wouldn 't , but if I did , I would , like , have to be the King 's wife and sleep with him and maybe have sex with other people too if he ordered me to , just like Vashti . This is just too weird . So I told Mordechai , no way . But he wouldn 't take no for an answer and we got into a big fight . I kept telling him that I was Jewish , and the King would never pick a Jewish girl as queen so it was a waste of time . And if he did pick me and they found out I was Jewish , they would kill me . Come on , Mordechai knows how they treat Jews around here - like shit . Mordechai insisted that I didn 't look Jewish and since I didn 't have any Jewish family left alive , nobody at the palace would ever find out . And since when , he argued , do I care about being Jewish so much . I don 't care about being Jewish ; I 'd give it up in a second if the rest of the world would let me . It 's a drag being Jewish . I don 't know why everyone doesn 't convert to something else anyway . We might be God 's chosen people , but what has that ever gotten us . Most Jews I know are , like , happy if they just let us live in a filthy stinking ghetto and don 't persecute us too much . Who needs it ? That 's the point , Mordechai shouted . I could get away from being Jewish forever if I won the contest . Of course , Mordechai as my supposed guardian could live near the palace and he 'd do even bigger deals and I 'd keep the King happy and we 'd all get rich . Since the King is so much older than me , he 'd die pretty soon anyway and I would still have , like , my whole life left . Well , I finally agreed , but I didn 't tell Mordechai the real reason why , but I will tell you , Diary . I want Mordechai to live near me in the palace . If I can make the King happy , maybe I can get Mordechai a position inside the palace where he can be important and powerful and we can really be together , you know , like real lovers . Mordechai thinks he and God are the only ones with plans , but I 'm starting to get plans of my own . Of course , the chances of my winning the contest are about one in zillion . OK , I have a nice figure , and Mordechai thinks I 'm really good looking , but c ' mon , being good looking is one thing . Being beautiful like Vashti is something completely different . It 'd take a fucking miracle . But at least Mordechai thinks I 'm beautiful . I just wish he 'd do something about it , like come on to me , but he keeps holding back . He wants me to save my virginity . What the hell for ? The contest was a disaster , a sheer disaster ! I should have , like , guessed when Mordechai brought me the so - called fancy dress I was going to wear . It was a stupid kid 's dress . Sure , it had a deep V - neck that really showed my boobs , hugged my waist , and had slits that showed off my legs , but the colors and the material really were what you would use to dress up a kid . The King 's looking for a fucking Queen , not a daughter , I shouted . The King has an eye for young girls , Mordechai insisted . He doesn 't want another Vashti ; she was too much for him to handle . He 's going to want somebody young , sweet , virginal , and innocent who is still sexy . Virginal , innocent and sexy - boy , there 's an easy combination . At least I 'm still a virgin , no thanks to Mordechai . This is going to take more than a miracle , I told him . Anyway , when we arrived at the palace , we were , like , all herded into this huge room with tons of bright , colored silk tapestries hanging on the wall . They were gorgeous . The place was filled with all these beautiful girls and their mothers . They all wore dresses that really pushed up their boobs , and they all wore their hair piled on their heads in these fancy swirls . And into all this strolls stupid Esther , looking like a schoolgirl . Mordechai insisted that I let my hair hang down in a braid in the back and tease out my bangs in the front . He even put a ribbon in my hair ! I haven 't worn a stupid ribbon in my hair since , like , I was ten . I 'm surprised he didn 't give me lollipop to suck . I felt like a kid among all these beautiful women . You should have heard the sniggering when I walked by . Then , we all had to line up . The King walked down the line looking at each of us . I sneaked a glance down the line and all you could see was this row of big boobs pushed out . Mordechai wouldn 't even let me wear a bra . Mine were just dangling there . The King paused for a second in front of me and whispered something to some guy who was following him . Then he just moved on . I felt like an idiot . After that the King went to sit on this gold and marble throne with all these big purple pillows all over the place . Each girl had to walk up a few steps and kneel in front of the king and then get up and walk away . There must have been a hundred girls in the line . Anyway , by the time my turn came I was really nervous . As I started to climb the little steps , I stepped on the edge of my dress and fell right at the feet of the King . A lot more of my leg was showing through the slit in my dress than I intended , but what could I do ? So much for being virginal and innocent . Then the King reached over with his hand like he was helping me up . So I took his hand and saw that he was peering down the V - neck of my dress . That was when I noticed my boobs had just about fallen out of the dress . I jiggled a little bit to get them back in place . The King was still holding my hand . Boy , I 've already blown it I thought , so , like , what the hell ; I took his hand , turned it over , gave a little suck and nibble on his index finger , which had this humongous ring on it . It all , like , happened in a second . Then , some guy standing next to the King was telling me to move on . Anyway , when I got out of the room , Mordechai was waiting . I told him what happened . Innocent , I told you to be innocent , he kept saying . Well I tried , but when I tripped , I figured if I 'm going to be klutzy instead of innocent , I might as well try to be sexy . What do I know ? Anyway , I never really had a chance , I told him , especially when he dressed me up like a schoolgirl . Diary , you should have seen some of those girls . Queen Esther , Queen Esther , Queen Esther , Queen Esther - that 's right , Diary . I am to become Queen Esther . I can 't believe it . I won . I won the stupid contest . Mordechai was right . Innocent and sexy , I guess that 's me . I 'm going to be queen . Goodbye Jewishness , goodbye ghetto , goodbye ugly old clothes , goodbye dorky Jewish guys . I 'm moving into the palace with the harem tomorrow to start my training . I don 't even have to pack anything , except you Diary , of course . They are giving me all new clothes and perfumes and lotions and hair things and everything , and I will have wonderful oil baths every day . It will be so awesome . And Mordechai already has a line on a place to live right nearby . We 're going to be together , sort of . Maybe not right away , but we will soon enough . In the meantime , I hope the King is nice . He 's kind of old but he seems nice enough . I gotta tell you ; being Queen is nothing like you ever imagined it . First , a lot of people are waiting on you day and night . You never have to pick up your clothes or clean anything or cook . They bring you anything you want and everything is really the best stuff around , stuff from all over the world . That 's the good part . All you 're supposed to do is , like , be a friend to the King , kind of like always going on dates with him . Sometimes you 're just joining him for dinner . Other times you 're going someplace else with him , which is a whole big production . There is usually some kind of banquet or party , and you 're expected to make conversation . There really isn 't much to say , believe me . All these people talk about is the price of olive oil or gossip about all these noblemen and the ladies who make up the court . I just usually listen and say uh huh or sure or yeah or OK every now and then . They probably think I 'm dumb , but like , what else is there to say ? I don 't give a damn about the price of olive oil or who some rich lady is sleeping with . Then , you 're expected dance for the audience . You 'd think that would be fun , but sometimes you have to , like , take off all your clothes when you dance and that 's kind of weird . Still , you get over it quick . Just remember Vashti . The King is a really old guy . He could probably be my grandfather . He 's kind of nice in a pathetic sort of way . Often he calls me and just wants me to sit with him . Sometimes he asks me to take off my clothes , so of course I do . Half the time , he doesn 't even touch me . He 'll just look at me , maybe ask me to pose . Sometimes he 'll kiss my boobs . A couple of times he asked me to , like , give him head . It was gross , but I did because I didn 't think I had any choice ( and I was trying to imagine it was Mordechai all the time ) . You know , even then he had trouble getting it up . I think he has some kind of problem or maybe he 's just old . Then , he always tells me that I can ask him for anything I want . Mordechai keeps telling me to cool it and not ask for much , to save the big favors for when we really need them . But the King really seems to want to do things for me so I sometimes ask for little things that I don 't even really want just because it seems to make him happy , things like a new gown or a horse . He 's got a ton of horses . Now I gotta learn to ride a stupid horse , but I 'm sure not going to wear the kind of outfits Vashti was wearing on horseback and , like , have every pervert in Shushan staring at me when I ride by . The other people around here are pretty awful . Everyone seems to hate Jews , and they hardly even know any Jews . I wish I wasn 't Jewish so I didn 't have to keep pretending . Haman , that stupid minister guy , is probably the worst , but he isn 't the only Jew hater , that 's for sure . He keeps asking me really prying questions about my parents and my childhood and all that . Sometimes I think he suspects I 'm Jewish so I am real careful with everybody around here . Other times I think he 's trying to hit on me , which is , like , really stupid because trying to put the moves on the King 's number one girl can probably get you killed real fast around here . You won 't believe the shit that 's going down . Mordechai came to me yesterday - I actually don 't have much time to get together with him , but as my guardian he 's allowed to come see me almost any time . Anyway , he came to me with this incredible information he overheard . He was standing near the palace gate when he heard two of the King 's eunuchs - these weird guys who guard the harem - planning to kill the King . So Mordechai came and told me all about it : when , where , who , everything . He insisted that I tell the King right away , which isn 't exactly easy to do . You can 't just go knock on the King 's door , even if you are his number one queen . Anyway , Mordechai thought that by telling the King we 'd be , like , saving his life , and the King would owe us big and that might come in handy later . So , I went to Hegai , who is kind of the chief eunuch and supervises the harem . He 's kind of mean and strict . I told him I had something very important to tell the King . He said I 'd have to wait until he called for me . Or , I could tell him whatever it was and he 'd pass it on to the King . Of course , that would ruin everything ; he 'd tell the King and he 'd owe a favor to him . Instead , I told him that if the King didn 't hear what I had to say right away directly from me , he would miss something wonderful and would be really mad at him when I explained why I hadn 't been able to tell him in time . Well , that got Hegai all anxious and he disappeared for a few minutes . When he came back , he said the King would see me right then . Of course , I told the King everything Mordechai had heard and made sure he knew that it was Mordechai who uncovered the plot against him and told me about it . That way , the King would not only owe us both a favor but he would be happy when Mordechai visited me because he might be passing on more good information . Then the King had his security chief arrest the two eunuchs and sure enough , they were caught red - handed preparing poison and everything to kill the King . Then the King ordered the entire story , especially Mordechai 's role in discovering the plot , be like written down in the King 's special book . Anyway , the two eunuchs were hanged the next day while a bunch of other eunuchs were fired for not uncovering the plot sooner . Hegai ended up in really deep shit too . And you can bet my position around here has really come up a few notches . Haman is a mega asshole . He sucked up to the King and , like , managed to get appointed as the First Minister . Now he is strutting around here like he is God 's gift to the world and he 's even more insistent that everybody bow down to him . Of course , everybody bows down to the King , but until this jerk arrived nobody bowed down to the First Minister . A couple of people who didn 't bow down to him got flogged in the palace courtyard . It was really gross . Then a eunuch told me that Mordechai refused to bow down to Haman when they crossed paths right outside the palace . Everyone else bowed , but Mordechai just stood there . Haman , the eunuch said , is still enraged about the incident . I better warn Mordechai ; the eunuch thinks Haman knows Mordechai is Jewish and is out to get him on the slightest thing . If Mordechai doesn 't watch himself , he may get us both killed . Sometimes I can 't begin figure out what Mordechai is up to . Most of the time , he acts like he doesn 't give a damn about being Jewish and then this bowing thing comes up and suddenly he 's a candidate to be the next Hebrew prophet . Maybe it 's some kind of guy thing . Anyway , things are really starting to go well . Mordechai 's got some nice deals cooking , and I 'm really hitting my stride here ever since the murder plot . I 'm afraid he 's just going to blow everything . When the King told me about appointing Haman , I couldn 't believe it . He asked me what I thought , but it was clear he had already decided . I couldn 't very well complain that Haman hated Jews because everybody around here hates Jews and nobody knows I 'm Jewish . So , I kind of hinted that Haman kept making passes at me . It didn 't seem to bother him . Oh , Haman 's just trying to be friendly ; he 'd never do anything disrespectful , he said . But , he added , if anybody ever makes passes at me , he 'll have them executed . So I ended up saying well , you know best . I also better warn Mordechai because now that I 'm sort of set up here , we 've been fooling around a bit . I guess we better cut it out for now . Well , the shit , like , hit the fan today . Haman drew up a royal decree ordering the killing of Jews everywhere in the kingdom - men , women , children , old , young , everybody - on the thirteenth day of Adar , a stupid day they picked by drawing fucking lots . And everyone could then plunder everything the Jews owned , not that they own much , I can tell you that . Anyway , Haman somehow convinced the King to sign the decree , the doddering old fool . When Mordechai heard about it he had a fit at the palace gate . The eunuchs brought him to me in my room because he was making such a fuss . I tried to calm Mordechai down , but he wouldn 't listen to reason . Look , I said , you 'll be safe . I can protect you here in the palace with me . We can even bring in some Jews from home . But what about the other Jews , he kept ranting . All of a sudden you 're so concerned about the lousy Jews , I asked . You never gave a shit about the Jews . It was you who showed me how to live like a goy , to violate Shabbat , to eat non - kosher food , to marry a goy . That 's what you did , you know . You set me up to marry a goy . Some guardian you are ! What the hell do you think I 've been doing here ? I 'm stripping at parties and sleeping with the King , at least on those rare occasions when he can get it up . Now all of a sudden you care about the Jews . Gimme a break . Do you think I like what I 've become ? I 've become a royal whore , and you 've gotten rich making deals with noblemen because of me , so you 're , like , a royal pimp . Then Mordechai confesses about his big plan : I , sweet beautiful Esther , was the Jew he wanted to get into the palace all along . He knew they would never allow a Jewish man in any position of real power , but if the Queen were a Jew , then that would be something else . It was a crazy plan , but it worked so far , he said . Now , I have to call in all the favors I have with the King . Oh boy , that 's not so easy . He forgot one thing ; I can 't just go strolling up to the King asking for a favor . I can 't even talk to the King unless he invites me . If I even tried , I could be killed . It 's a palace rule . Mordechai says don 't worry this is all part of God 's plan , but , like , I really have to think about this . This is a suicide mission . I don 't know why I 'm doing this . Except maybe that I just don 't want the Jews to get slaughtered . They never hurt anybody . Mordechai keeps saying this is all part of God 's plan . You know , Vashti suddenly getting kicked out , me winning the contest to be the next Queen , saving the King 's life - God was behind it all . I mean , I thought it was all a crazy idea from the start . Maybe it really is God 's plan . We 'd need a miracle for this stupid plan to work . If not , I 'm dead and so is Mordechai . Fortunately , we have some time . Here 's the plan : I 'm going to attract the King 's attention and get him to ask me to speak . Then I 'm going to invite him and Haman to a private party in my chambers . Then , if the King comes , he will surely reward me with another favor because he is always asking if I want anything and I 'll ask him to save my people . In the process , I 'll have to figure out how to get rid of Haman somehow . Sounds simple enough , huh ? The eunuchs are going to help me . They 're preparing my most beautiful gown and tomorrow they are going to place me in a position where the King can 't miss me . I haven 't prayed to God since I was a child in my parent 's house , but I 'm going to pray to God tonight . Mordechai insists that I fast too just to show God how serious I am . Seems kind of dumb but , hey if that 's what gets God 's attention , I 'll do it . And Mordechai says he 's going to get all the Jews of Shushan to fast too just to make sure God 's listening . It sounds kind of far - fetched but , like , what have we got to lose ? It worked ! I can 't believe it . The King and Haman were passing through the inner courtyard of the palace where the eunuchs had told me to stand in my gown . The sun was shining through just perfectly , making my hair sparkle . I must have looked like an angel from heaven . The King saw me and raised his scepter , which was the signal that I could approach . Then he asked if I wanted anything and I invited him and Haman to a party . He agreed and ordered Haman to come too . It was that simple . At the party , I kept generously pouring some outstanding wine the eunuchs brought me . The King was getting pretty tipsy . I pretty much ignored Haman but he seemed thrilled just to be there . Every time I leaned over to pour more wine he kept trying to peer down my dress to see my boobs . I let him see just enough to drive him crazy . As I expected , the King insisted on doing a favor for me . This time I played coy and asked him to attend yet another feast I was giving the next night , and he should make sure Haman came too . At that feast , I teased , I would let him know what favor he could do for me and , picking up his hand and putting it on my boobs I hinted at all the favors I would do for him in return . The old fool got the message . From the look on Haman 's face , I thought he was , like , about to cum all over himself . We blew it . Damn it , damn Mordechai , damn Haman . I had it all set up . It was working great but we blew it . Haman unexpectedly bumped into Mordechai outside the palace . Of course Mordechai didn 't bow to him , especially knowing about the decree to kill Jews . Anyway , they exchanged words and Haman stalked off madder than ever . But now a eunuch tells me that Haman has ordered a 50 - foot high gallows be erected in the courtyard near his house . He 's going to ask the King to hang Mordechai on it before our feast tomorrow . And now it 's too late for the eunuch or even Hegai to get me in to see the King . The old fool has gone to bed already . Shit , we 're screwed . God , oh God , please help us . A miracle ! It 's a fucking miracle ! The eunuchs told me all about it . The old fool couldn 't sleep last night so he got up and started reading his damn book where he records all the things that happen that he likes . And what page does he turn to ? The page where Mordechai reported the plot to kill the King . He then tells the servants Mordechai has to be rewarded right away . First thing this morning , Haman came in all set to request Mordechai be hanged on the gallows . But before he can get a word out , the King asks him what he should do to honor someone special . The fool Haman stupidly assumes the King is referring to himself and suggests dressing the man up in royal clothes and letting him ride around on a royal horse while wearing a crown . OK , says the King . Honor Mordechai exactly as Haman just described . Damn , I would have loved to see Haman 's face at that moment . Anyway , Diary , I don 't have time to write much . I have to put my own ass in gear . The King and Haman are coming to the banquet I promised this afternoon . We 're still not out of the woods by a long shot . In fact , Diary , the hardest part - convincing the King to rescind his stupid decree - is yet to come , and the damn thirteenth of Adar is coming up fast . But at least I 've got Haman where I want him . Still , this is going to take a miracle . Hey , God , are you listening ? Am I sharp or what ? You won 't believe the trap I sprung , and stupid Haman walked into it better than I could have ever imagined . First , I put on my absolutely sexiest clothes - almost no clothes at all . That little slinky jeweled half top with thin straps and a bead skirt that reveals just about everything . Haman and the King were drooling from the moment they saw me . Then , as I expected , the King was so happy he insisted that he do a favor for me . So , I put on my poor little defenseless damsel act and told him that someone was going to kill me . The King immediately jumped up and demanded to know the story . Then I told him about the plan to kill all the Jews and how I just happened to be Jewish . Of course , I added that I would most likely be the first to get killed . The King immediately demanded to know who was responsible for this terrible thing . Well , Diary , you should have seen Haman . He knew what was coming , and he was just about shitting on the floor . I cannot tell a lie , I said ; it was Haman . Then I collapsed on the bed crying in despair . The King was furious and dashed out to get guards . As soon as the King left , Haman started groveling on the floor , pleading for his life . I could hear the King returning with the guards , so I motioned Haman to come up on the bed where I was lying No sooner does the stupid fool get on the bed and start begging again then the King storms in . I start to yell like I 'm being attacked . I even tore that little top I was wearing - I am so so bad . The King hits the roof . Do you mean to ravish my Queen in my own palace ? , he screamed . God , it was perfect . Haman could barely speak . Then one of the guards said that there was a big gallows built right next to Haman 's house . It was the gallows Haman intended to hang Mordechai on , but I jumped up and said that was the gallows Haman was going to use to kill me . The King spun around and glared at Haman . Hang him on those gallows , he ordered . And the guards dragged Haman away . Later , after I told the King that Mordechai was my relative and reminded him that Mordechai was the guy who had been so loyal when the eunuchs planned to kill him , he gave me all of Haman 's property and put Mordechai in charge of managing it for me . Well Diary , I am one rich Jewish girl . You can 't believe all the wealth that Haman had grabbed through intimidation and murder . He was one mean murdering asshole . We were just about to start celebrating when I suddenly remembered the stupid decree . I reminded the King to rescind the decree about killing Jews that Haman had tricked him into signing , but he said he couldn 't , by law . Can you believe that , Diary ? He 's the stupid King and he can 't rescind the fucking decree ! But you 're the King , I said . Still , the way Haman wrote the decree meant that he couldn 't rescind it . This looked real bad because there are a lot of people eager to murder Jews . Then Mordechai came up with a brilliant idea ; he suggested the King write another decree warning the Jews about the attack and allowing them to arm themselves and defend themselves . And , the new decree would say if anyone attacked the Jews , the Jews could kill them and plunder their possessions . So , it would be a stalemate and nobody would attack anybody , I hope . Mordechai wrote up the decree in fancy legal language and the King signed it and ordered it sent to every province , city , town , and village in the country immediately . The King also appointed Mordechai as a special minister of government , which gives him lots of power . It 's incredible , Diary . It really is a miracle , a real miracle . I didn 't think much about God before , but Mordechai insists this was all God 's work . He says God always manages to take care of Jews although sometimes it sure seems like God is working against us . At least it looked that way to me . But this was so crazy and it looked so bleak that God had to have had a hand in this . Otherwise , we 'd all be , like , toast . There 's so much to tell you . As soon as we got past the thirteenth of Adar , things really started to settle down at the palace . There was still a bunch of killing , but it was the Jews doing the killing for a change . Mordechai became the King 's main man . I also sat down and had a long talk with the King . I told him that I could be a great queen for him , but we had to change a couple of things . Mainly this dancing and stripping in front of other people just wasn 't right , especially for a queen . It was so uncool and made him look real sleazy . I said I would always be happy to strip for him and , like , do whatever turned him on in private . But when he wanted to give his pals sexual thrills , he could send the harem girls . That 's what they were there for . And you know what , Diary ? He agreed ! So now I feel like I really am the queen . I still see Mordechai all the time around the palace , but we 've completely stopped fooling around . Since the King decided to respect me , I decided to act like his wife for real . He won 't live forever . After he dies , if Mordechai and I , like , decide to get it together , nobody will be hurt or bothered . And I 've gotten back into being Jewish . After seeing what life is like among the palace court and the nobles all those rules in the Torah don 't seem so stupid . OK , so you don 't party and , like , do lots of fun stuff on Friday night or Saturday , but believe me , I 've done all that stuff and it 's not so great . And anyway , God saved my Jewish ass . If God wants me to follow all these rules , then what the heck . Oh yeah , one more thing ; I 'm pregnant . Can you believe that ? The old King , like , really did get it up - that 's either another miracle or I 'm the sexiest girl around . So now he is going to have a Jewish child , and I 'm already making plans with Mordechai to make sure the baby is raised as a Jew . And the King 's so thrilled that he was able to father a kid that he goes along with anything I want . I am pure gold around here . You know , Diary , someday they ought to write a book about all of this , but no one would ever believe it . |
It was the middle of summer in India . It was hot and sticky . Still the younger children were confined upstairs while Momma cooked dinner . I watched my second to eldest brother enviously from the window . He was handsome and tall and riding an elephant . I would kill to ride an elephant , with my parent 's approval of course . I have ridden an elephant before … in the dead of night , once around the block and back but not any farther than that . A yell from downstairs awoke me from my daydream . " Malika , boys , come down for dinner . " My younger brothers scrambled down the ladder , trying to be first . They always did this , all four of them . My mother is tall and beautiful . Her hair is dark and very long . You can 't tell though because she always has it in a bun and tucked in a scarf . When she smiles , her whole face twinkles . When she looks at you , you feel amazing like she will always be there for you . I descended down the ladder following the smell of dinner , Momma 's famous curry . My eldest brother had just gotten finished telling my mother and father about a quest he was going on . There was some scribbled notes next to him that said : " Do not raise your voice at the table , Malika ! There is nothing you need to get so worked up about , you can 't change a thing . " Momma said . My papa is an elephant herder , so naturally my best choice for companion and animal was an elephant . I took my favorite , Nagali . I packed Nan bread , leftovers from Momma 's curry , dried fruit and some dry pig . I packed blankets , changes of clothes , dried herbs , A LOT of water and a painting of my family . On the other hand , I was leaving my family and I was only 12 . I have no idea what I am doing . A thought hit me I had never had before . No one knows I am going , so if I die I will never be in history books , EVER . Well , I thought , I will just have to succeed . I left a letter so my parents wouldn 't freak out as much and think I was kidnapped . Then I was off . Then on the eighth day , I found the lair of the Sand Prince , well at least the map said it was his lair . It was a crazy big cave with stalactite formations on the ceiling . The mouth of the cave was very frightening and I assumed that was the way the Sand Prince meant it to be . I slipped off Nagali and tentatively crept toward the cave mouth with quiet steps . Prince Nads hadn 't mentioned if the Sand prince would be there or not . Wait a second Prince NADS , SAND Prince . They sounded awfully alike . Then it hit me , Prince Nads was the Sand Prince ! I froze . Well I still need to get in there and find time , I thought , no reason in stopping now . I have come too far to stop now . I stepped through the cave entrance and into darkness . All of a sudden , lights flickered and flaming torches lit up the walls making the stalactites grin like teeth . From the dim light I could see shelves with bottles of strange critters in pale green sludge and dark colored leather bound books . There were trinkets like genie bottles and stuffed eagles . There were also samples of sand with labels like , Saharan desert sand with ground sage . Now I knew where he got the name Sand Prince . A dusty journal lay on a table . I opened it and started to read . I had learned how to read from my eldest brother . It read : i am Prince Nads and i will take over the world by stopping time . i will send soldiers out to my own lair to find time for a reward because i am too evil i cannot touch it , i have a black soul . I took one look at him and ran . He charged after me as I knocked over bottles and books . Evidently he didn 't care that I was ruining his lair . I slid down one of the isles of bottles and jars to a dead end right next to an hour glass . I was cornered . I looked around for a way out . Then I spotted the hour glass . Then I realized that was time sitting right there on the table . I started to panic . Then I got an idea . I grabbed it and the Sand Prince floated away in dust . Was that the end ? No . He laid a curse on me . I could feel it running through my veins . I could no longer save anyone . That was his curse , well thought out actually . For the next 3 hours I sat dumbfounded . So many thoughts were rambling through my head . My family , how worried are they ? Will I ever see them again ? The Sand Prince and how much I despised him and how horrid he is . Most of all I thought of my eldest brother , my favorite brother , was he okay ? Did he die ? He had taught me so much and loved me so much too . I cannot bare losing him . All I need to find is a summoning spell . I thought as I flipped through the book . Ah ha ! There it is … that is the weirdest spell I have ever heard . I wrote it down . Then I found the spell for death . Also really weird , but it will save people in the long run so I don 't care . I wrote that down too . Then he crumbled into fine dust , no , sand . The sand blew away into the next room . I followed it outside and there stood the camel herd with the ten soldiers staring at me . That was a lot less glorious then I would have expected for someone who just saved the world . Then a cheer rose up from the crowd of soiliders . People were clapping and hooting and in that manner I was carried home on the shoulders of the soldiers . When I got down from the procession I spotted my family and I sprinted over to them . We hugged for a long time . Then my oldest brother joined us and we did a lot more hugging . My brother whispered in my ear , " Malika , you deserve a special place in history and so do all women . Papa was wrong , you are strong enough . I don 't care if you are a girl or a boy , you are a hero . I showed all of them what girls can do . I was the first girl ever recorded in the history of India and I am proud of it . My name is Malika Bedi . Sam took a large loaf of stolen bread . He broke a piece off and popped it into his mouth and handed the loaf to me . I tore a piece off and bit into it . The bread was plain , but fresh and yummy . We hadn 't had anything so fresh in weeks . I passed the loaf to Jalen . We quietly and quickly woke Jalen and Sam . Once everyone was awake , I motioned them to follow me . We walked down the stinky alley , out into the main street . It was completely deserted . Only a few cars were parked on the side of the street . A couple street lights were flickering , but most had already burned out . We ran , ducking in and out of side streets and alleys . It took us 15 minutes to get to the fish shop . I crept around the back side of the building . I checked the door the see if it would be an easy break in . Sadly , it was locked tight . We started piling up the the crates . I climbed onto the pile . I was just about to unlatch the window when the crates collapsed under my feet and I fell . The last thing I heard before I blacked out was the yell of a man 's voice . When I woke up I was slumped against a concrete wall . My vision was still a little blurry . It smelled like sweat . When my vision finally returned , I saw bars in front of me . For a split second , I hoped I was on the outside of the metal bars , but soon realized I was inside of them . I looked around the room . Mandy , Jalen , and Sam were also in cells . They were all asleep . There was a desk sitting on the opposite side of the room . The named tag on the desk read Officer Ben Stoffel . I lay back against the cold wall . How did this happen ? I remember going to the fish shop to steal fish and I was some how caught . This was making me dizzy . Closing my eyes , I drifted off to sleep . " Let 's crawl , " suggested Jalen . We nodded , dropped to our hands and knees , and creeped behind the sofa undetected . We arrived at the closed door . We ran through the door and out into a hallway . We burst through the police station and out into the street . People bustled with bags and boxes in their hands . I dodged people , sprinting as fast as I could . I heard a man yell , " Slow down kid ! " " Get back here kids ! Someone stop them ! " a police officer yelled . I glanced behind me . My friends were right on my heels . The two police officers were a good distance behind me . I gave myself an extra boost of strength to go faster . I pushed my way through the crowd . I turned onto a side street . The street was not busy at all . I heard my footstep echoing off the of enormous buildings . There were a few lighted houses , but most were abandoned and there were hardly any shops . I ran faster . I felt adrenaline pulsing through my body and I heard my heartbeat in my ears . Faster , faster , run ! ! The devil jolted around . Look what he had done this time around . I was always trying to NOT to listen to him every time . Maybe the angel was right , she just can 't find the courage to speak up . We were standing in a huge room . We were in front of a great maple wood desk . I could feel the cold marble floor through the hole in my old sandal . The desk was in the middle of the room and a staircase was on either side of the desk . At the top of the staircase , there was a balcony with big , brass , double doors behind it . The doors bursted open . A group of about ten kids ran down the staircase , followed by a young woman . Her blond hair was pulled back in a tight bun . She had on a light blue blouse that brought out her ocean blue eyes . She also had on a green skirt with white loafers . " Thank you , " Angela said . She walked over to the desk and pulled out the biggest book I had ever seen . It had a leather cover with five words sewn into it in yellow thread . It read : The Big Book of Orphans . She opened the book and flipped to the M section . We crowded around the desk , well everyone except Mandy . I looked at a picture of a handsome man standing with Angela . Angela was holding a beautiful baby girl with brown , wavy hair like Mandy 's . Mandy 's eyes looked a lot like the baby 's eyes in the picture . I suddenly realized the baby in the picture was Mandy . " My baby girl ! " Angela ran up and hugged Mandy . For a second Mandy just looked stunned . Finally Angela relaxed , tears were streaming down her face . " I told you I was helping Mahalia with homework , " I lied , finally finding my white flats . I smoothed out my white dress and walked downstairs . Angela was standing at the bottom of the stairs , her hands rubbing her stomach . Her baby would be born in about a month , so there was a huge lump in her white dress . " Bye , " I said , pushing the door of the house open . Adrian 's house was only four blocks away , so I got there in a matter of minutes . I knocked on the door . Mahalia answered . " Help us blow up balloons , " Mahalia said , shoving 10 deflated balloons in my hands . I started to blow them up . Sam and Jalen were having a fight with blue and white streamers . People started to arrive . " Ok . Listen up , " Adrian yelled over the murmur of the crowd . " I 'm going to get Angela , so when you hear a knock on the door make sure to hide and turn off the lights . When you open the door , yell SURPRISE ! " " Will do , " I replied and Adrian left the house . Five minutes later we heard a rap on the front door . I quickly turned out the light and whispered , " Everyone hide ! " Ana Haapala is our contest winner ! Her story Sand Dunes was very innovative . She added great texture with her opening that set the scene and we enjoyed the illustration she did for the cover . - a chase scene . This can involve anything at all such as a cat chasing a mouse , a car chase , a policeman chasing a robber , a bully chasing a good kid . Be descriptive and a plot ( why they are chasing and being chased ) . - a hero : have them create a hero . The hero can be male , female , an animal , a historical figure . . anything . Have them describe the character and why they are a hero . Have them give some plot line of their antagonist and what they 're trying to save . The door swung open and I found myself face - to - face with Alfred Anderson . He was slightly larger and taller than me , with a completely shaven baby face and beady brown eyes that looked down at me with a small greedy glint . His wispy brown hair was matted to the right . A sweltering heat blasted my face as I stepped out of the cramped white plane . My eyes adjusted to the brightness and I looked around the small airfield . Several small planes were scattered around the asphalt , and yellow stripes painted the center of the runways . I looked up at the sun and shaded my eyes with my hands . I searched for the person who I was supposed to be meeting . According to Anderson , his name was Pedro . Pedro would lead me to the tomb , where I would collect all the treasures that I could . I would then pay Pedro his modest share , get paid handsomely for my efforts , and then continue on with my rich , happy , life . My eyes finally caught onto two figures on camels riding towards the plane . The Camel 's hooves kicked up sand sending a billowing trail of brown out behind them that glinted gold when it reached a certain point from the sun . I smiled as I thought of the riches I would be holding in my hands in just a day or two and began to walk quickly towards the two riders . I knew that he was planning on taking most of the dough for himself , that he thought he was just using me , but the truth was , I was the one getting the gold . I was the one going into the tomb . The only reason I needed that greedy slime was because of flight payments and guide arrangements . The rider on my left quickly pulled off her white hood and mask revealing that the rider was a blond haired girl . For a moment I was taken by surprise , but distracted by her looks . Her face was sunburned and tan with dark lines under her eyes ; she had slender eye brows and shoulder length hair . " Mr . Anderson never mentioned another … are you an Archaeologist ? " I asked , a little frustrated . This girl might be here to spy on me for Anderson , and would most likely be getting in the way of everything . " Nathan , your camel is back there . " She turned in her camel - saddle and indicated towards the third camel of the bunch . His head was hung , and when I looked closer I thought he might be asleep , but then he started to slowly shuffle backwards until he was yanking on his ropes . From the time I had set foot in Egypt , nothing had gone my way . The girl , the annoying guide , and now a camel that hates me . Great . Couldn 't get any worse . The sun beat down on us in wave after wave . I reached into my saddle bag and pulled out some water . After two hours I had drunken almost one whole canteen . I only had five . Also inside the saddle bag was my small pistol that I had brought along just to be cautious , and my archaeological tools like a brush , a chisel , that kind of stuff . I walked over to Puebloto 's camel and opened the large saddle bag . Inside were the supplies for one small white tent . I took out the supplies and placed them on the ground . One large white cloth and six wooden poles laid before me . I was about to begin setting the tent up , when something caught the corner of my eye , opposite to the sand storm . I turned and squinted beneath the sun 's glare . From the direction that we had just came , I could just barely make out four camels , coming directly for my group . I turned and sprinted to my archeology bag attached to Amun . The bag was a beige brown color and had one large flap and a long strap to throw around your head onto your shoulder . I flipped open the flap and reached my hand inside , feeling around until I found the binoculars I had brought on the trip . " Um … Nathan , are you alright ? " I shut out Amanda 's voice and ignored her question , then turned back to where I had seen the camels . I put the binoculars up to my eyes and scanned the horizon back and forth until I saw them . As I had thought , four camels were walking straight towards us , and I could just make out four riders on them . On one of the rider 's backs , sticking out just behind his shoulder , I thought I could make out the long muzzle of a gun . A big gun . " Always prepare for the worst and you 'll get the best possible outcome , " I replied . I usually didn 't like to use that term , one that my old man had practically lived by , but now seemed like a really good time . Besides , I could just feel it in my gut . Some sort of sixth sense . We were being followed , and honestly , I was scared . I thought about it for a moment , then said , " Unless we want a fight , we 're going to have to lose them , but how … . " I trailed off . We thought for a second , then , simultaneously , we all turned our heads towards the oncoming sand storm . " We have to hurry ! " I found myself yelling now . The wind had begun to pick up making it hard to hear , and it was throwing sand into my eyes . I pulled my shirt over my mouth so that I could breath properly . Then I grabbed the rope from my bag and handed it to Amanda . " You tie the camels together , I 'll be right back ! " I yelled . The wind kicked up sand in one huge gust and made a loud hissing as it was thrown onto us . Their camels looked tired , walking slowly with their heads down , which was good . There were four riders , the one on the far left was wearing thin white puffy clothing with a scarf to cover his mouth from sand . The man in the back was the one with the rifle , I was sure it was a rifle now , and dressed similarly to the other man to the left . The third was just about the same as the other two , and he had just taken a drink of water from a small brown cylinder . The last rider was different . He was wearing brown archeology clothing , with a bag similar to mine , and a wide brimmed hat and a white scarf . By now I estimated that they were maybe three hundred and fifty yards away , maybe more . I looked next to me and could vaguely make out Puebloto shielding his eyes from the sand . I covered my mouth with my shirt and gestured for him to come closer . He nodded and turned his camel towards me . " We have to stop . We can use the camels as shelter , dey are well used to these storms ! " He yelled . " Otherwise we may die out here ! " I looked behind me . There was no sign of our pursuers , but I knew they were still going as we were . When someone is hired to follow another , they don 't stop while the other keeps going . " Uh , good idea ! " I replied . The only problem was that I couldn 't really see anything , let alone a specific mound of tall sand . The storm ended about two hours later . I sat breathing hard in my saddle , hunched over the camel 's head . All of us were . I slowly twisted around in my saddle and smiled at what I saw . Nothing but sand hills and blue sky . Perfect . I followed her eyes and saw it . To our left was a huge sand - colored tower , reaching most likely as high as the great sphinx and as wide as … maybe the plane I had arrived in . It was a giant box . " Pueblo ! " I yelled . The bang must have been a gun shot . Another shot echoed around and this time , sand exploded to my left . " Get down ! " I screamed and rolled off my saddle . Amanda jumped down and crawled over to me . " Someone is shooting at us , " I replied . I pulled on Amun 's reigns , who grumbled and looked at me , his eyes were no longer dull but excited , darting around nervously . I pulled him down and took shelter next to his belly . Amanda did the same and looked at me nervously . I slowly turned around and peeked over Amun 's belly . In the distance , I could make out four figures , one knelt on the ground aiming a rifle . I took shelter again and glanced at Puebloto who groaned and began to stir . " Puebloto , stay still ! " I hissed to him . He did not show acknowledgment , but stopped moving . I hoped he was just following my orders , not … . " I " - I was cut off again as another shot fired , hitting the ground next to us . Amun started to rise , I turned and calmed him , making shh ing noises softly . He slowly relaxed and spit in my eye . " I told you , I 'm not leaving without " - another loud shot erupted . It sounded closer now . I looked at Puebloto , then back at Amanda , and nodded . " Alright , lets go ! " I screamed . We both scrambled to our feet and bolted , not looking anywhere but the large opening to the tomb . We were almost there when a part of the wall to the tomb exploded next to me . I hadn 't even heard the shot , my ears were plugged and for some reason I felt weak . Then I dove into the entrance and slid to a stop on what felt like marble floor . A moment later , Amanda slid into me and we both crashed into a solid wall where we laid , breathing hard side by side . I slowly turned my head towards her . Her skin was pale and her eyes fluttered open and closed before she looked at me too . Then I kissed her . I don 't know why , she had just stopped me from saving a man 's life , but then again , she did just save mine . We kissed for just a few seconds before I pulled away and blinked . She looked surprised , but happy . Then I felt it . In my left arm , pain erupted , rippling through my arm until it reached the rest of my body . It felt lik e I was on fire , or maybe I was freezing , I couldn 't tell and I didn 't care . I cried out and fell onto my back . My vision was going dark and for a second I lost sight of her running around and banging on walls desperately . Then I noticed something . Just above me was a small lever , just big enough to fit my hand around . " Yes ! " She exclaimed , and ran over to me then yanked down the lever . For a second , nothing happened . Then , I felt the floor begin to shake , slowly at first , vibrating just a little , then getting bigger and bigger until the floor was actually swinging and I realized we were moving downwards . The floor was sinking lower and lower , leaving the door , the armed men , Puebloto , and Amun behind . I opened my eyes and saw what she had been so excited about . The floor was sinking slower and had just lowered into a larger room , lit by hundreds of small holes reaching all the way up to the surface . All over the side of the chamber were Hieroglyphs , seeming to glow from the light . An inside the room was gold : tons of it , piled on top of itself , gleaming off the sunlight from outside . Gold coins , gold cups , and gold necklaces all circled around one large coffin . I couldn 't help but laugh excitedly and slowly stood up and looked around , despite my injury . " It 's Amazing ! " I yelled , " We did it ! " I turned back to Amanda who was not as happy as I was . She stood as the floor jerked to a stop and walked closer to me . She looked sad , and angry , and maybe a little disappointed . " What - for what ? we made it ! " I exclaimed excitedly . " I don 't know how to get back up , but we can figure that out later ! " I spread my good arm out and sighed contently . " No … Nathan … , " She trailed off , then her gaze shot towards the ceiling . I heard it to . It sounded like ropes bouncing off a wall or something . I frowned . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't want " - Suddenly , four men dropped down to the floor with one solid thud that reverberated all throughout the chamber , guns all pointed at me . The three wearing white all had long black beards and carried pistols , except the one with the rifle . The man in the middle had buzz cut blond hair , a bag like mine , and a pistol aimed at my heart . He had familiar eyes that gleamed with a small greedy glint . " Excellent work , Amanda , " He turned to her and lifted her chin . She glared him , her arms at her side helplessly . I immediately realized what I had been coming to realize for the last minute . " Hands in the air , Turner , " His voice was cold and smooth , and it scared me . I slowly raised my right arm into the air . One of the men in white gestured with his gun to my other arm , the one that had been hit by his bullet , and then gestured skywards . " You 're going to regret this , " I muttered . She had just got me killed , well , pretty much killed . I closed my eyes and calmed down . There is no such thing as a no - win situation . There is always a way that this could turn my way . Of course , it could also turn their way … a lot easier . I glanced down at his gun holster and noticed it . Nothing . Andy 's gun was missing . I frowned and looked around . I was sure he had just put it in there … . Suddenly , a gun shot went off from right behind Andy , and he was blasted forward , his hands jerking to the left as the bullet hit him in the right shoulder , landing in a pile of gold and spraying coins everywhere . The three guards turned to see where the shot had come from , and something told me to act . I reached into my pack and found my gun . I stretched out my arm and fired , hitting the man with the rifle on his right arm . " That 's for shooting a hole in my arm , " I muttered . One of the men was closing in on Amanda , who had fired . I shot the other just as he was turning around and he spun once in a full circle before slamming into the wall behind him . I then ran forward . The last man had realized the threat of two enemies against one and dove to the side as Amanda fired another shot . I was about to shoot him when my pistol was ripped from my hand by another bullet . I looked back in surprise and saw Andy , struggling to stand , with his gun outstretched . I dove into the gold and rolled , the bullet missing my head by inches . I sprang up and dove onto him , not really able to throw a punch with just one arm . We were on the ground now , rolling in gold as we struggled for control of the gun . Another shot fired and the bullet bounced off of the wall next to me , ripping hieroglyphs to chunks . I let go of his gun arm and elbowed his face . He cried out , and I finally knocked the gun away fr om him . I struggled , slipping , to my feet and kicked him down a pile of treasure . I looked back at Amanda , who had been cornered once more by a man with a black beard . " No , wait ! " I yelled , and then , just as the man was about to fire his gun , another shot went off . I looked around . My eyes were then drawn upward as the man fell to the ground . Leaning over the edge of the top of the tomb , was Puebloto and Amun , who spit loudly and hit me in the eye . I looked back at Andy . He was laying in a small pile of golden coins , unconscious , one tooth missing from his mouth and his head resting on a small golden pillow . I looked at Amanda and , despite my efforts to still stay mad , I smiled . I was a normal girl once . At the age of seventeen I had a family , they weren 't the best family , only my parents , me , and the help that worked around the house , but they were my family and I loved them . I lived in a house that must have seemed like a mansion to anyone who didn 't live there . We lived in a city called Seascale and our house looked over the Irish Sea . My nurse maid , Mrs . Peirce , she told me stories of what the rest of the house looked like . She said the walls were red brick and that she worked at the house so long she could tell who was walking down the shiny hard wood floors by the sound of the footsteps . She told me the house looked dark and sad unless it was filled with people . My parents loved to fill the house . I could hear how much fun they were having down stairs , all the yelling and laughing . They had at least four large gatherings a year and multiple small ones . I loved watching the people arrive in horse drawn carriages wearing overly glamo rous gowns and jewelry . I watched through the one window in my bedroom as the man opened the carriage door to escort his date into our home . One night as I watched a young boy around my age came . Very rarely did anyone that young ever go to such an extravagant ball . He saw me though . He looked at me and smiled as he lifted his hand as a gesture of hello . I waved back , but soon our small moment was over as he stepped inside our mansion . I loved watching out of my window and seeing the sun set over the Irish Sea at night . Mrs . Peirce once told me my room was the happiest room in the house . I think she was trying to cheer me up on one of my low days . I hadn 't left my bedroom before ; at least not that I could remember . My parents told me they were trying to protect me from the hardships of the world , and maybe in their own way they were . I still remember my bedroom ; everything was pink and I had thousands of things scattered about . My favorite thing was to leave my stuff o ut before bed and see them magically put back where they once belonged . The magiThe sand was hot underneath my porcelain skin that had never seen the sunlight except for through a glossy window . I recognized the crystal blue water and the small patch of white sand that separated the rocks from the sea , but I 'd never been there before , or around for that matter . I couldn 't see my house or the lush trees that surrounded it . I watched the salty water as the tide slowly brought it in to tickle the tips of my small feet . I sat up as my ashy black hair blew in the ice cold wind that chilled me to my fragile bones . I was shaking , but I didn 't know if I was shaking in fear or from the cold Autumn air . I brought my arms up and hugged myself , letting the small bit of warmth that was left in me heat the rest of my frozen body . My eyes burned with tears but it wasn 't because of the thick salty air . I stood up slowly with the fact that I had nowhere to go ringing through my brain . I walked away from the foam covered waves that chased my heels as I walked towards the rocky assent ahead of me . I wore the silky white nightgown that fell to my knees , the same one I wore when I fell asleep . Whoever left me here hadn 't even bothered giving me a coat . My feet lightly skimmed across the slimy rocks that were still wet from the morning dew . The humidity was high but the air was cold and the rocks I was climbing slid beneath my feet after I hoisted myself off of them . My underdeveloped bones tired rapidly , and my lungs burned for air . I was only half way up the ridged slope before I was almost out of stamina and ready to quit , but I knew I couldn 't . There was no way I could go down , but I didn 't think I could make it the rest of the way up either . My brain mocked me ; it told me I was silly for even thinking I could make it up . It criticized every step I took . I hauled my aching body over the ledge . I 'd never had any sort of physical exercise and just the short ten foot climb used almost all the energy I had . I lay on my back and made shapes of the clouds that floated above me . I must have watched t " Nathaniel ! " I heard someone yell from inside . " Get the door please . " I waited a few moments before I heard muffled complaining from inside the door . " And then I 'll . . . " She started before seeing my colorless face . " Oh dear , come inside , Darling . Let 's get you warmed up . " She wrapped her arm around me , pulling me into her warm body . Her grey hair was pulled up into a messy bun that rested atop her head and she wore a cooking apron with slosh covering it . She seated me in front of the fireplace as she muttered soothing words . " Are you hungry ? " She asked softly and I nodded and smiled slightly . She wrapped a blanket around my shoulders before shuffling to her small kitchen . Their house wasn 't huge , but it wasn 't small either . It was probably one story with a cellar in the basement . It was made of red brick and hard wood floors . Most of the houses around there were . The woman 's home was dr essed in animal skins and old artifacts and antiques that one of her age would acquire . She looked quite old . Her skin was wrinkled and had old freckles that dotted it . She poured hot stew into a bowl that was resting on the stove and handed it to me as she pulled a chair up beside me and watched . " Thank you . " I said softly before taking the first bite filled with potatoes and beef slivers . It tasted like the best meal I 'd ever had , probably because I was starving . " No problem , Child . " She responded with a large smile . She seemed very comforting as she rocked back and forth in her old rocking chair . " Where do you come from ? " She asked as I ate rapidly . My stomach ceased to growl and when I had finished the large bowl of stew I was completely full . My eyes started to burn with tears as I thought how to answer . " I come from a large estate , but I wouldn 't call it a home . " My voice sounded strained and lifeless . " Back at my old house I was never allowed to leave my room , but today I woke up on the bank with no recognition of how I got there . My family had abandoned me and . . . I can 't go back there ! " I balled into my hands . I couldn 't go back , even if this sweet old woman didn 't let me stay with her I couldn 't go back home . " Oh darling , I completely understand ! " She said as she held my in her warm arms . " You have no reason to cry . We will take care of you here . You will be perfectly safe . " A loud creek filled the air . My head jerked out of her arms as I stared at the front door . A boy came in , probably around my age with dirt covering him from head to toe . He looked familiar to me , but I knew I couldn 't know him . I didn 't know anyone besides the people who visited my room daily , and he surly wasn 't one . He had short ashy blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that were filled with surprise from the first moment he saw me . I hid my face from him and rubbed my eyes until the tears were gone . " Who is this ? " The boy asked as he slid his mud covered shoes off and walked towards me . " What 's your name ? " He asked as he kneeled in front of me , trying to look at my face that was covered by my hands . " Hi Elizabeth , my name 's Nathaniel , but everyone calls me Nate . How old are you ? " His voice was soft and soothing as if nothing had ever bothered him . " So am I . " he said with a slight laugh in his voice . " Grandma , I 'm going to go get cleaned up and then why don 't we all get acquainted . How does that sound Elizabeth ? " I nodded in response and he smiled , disappearing into the hall way . " Why don 't you get cleaned up as well ? " The older woman said . She led me to a small bathroom where she left me with a towel and a fresh set of clothing . I showered quickly , then slid on the long dress she had given me . It was much too large for me but I tied it in the back and made do with what I had . I opened the door and walked out without looking as my body slammed into something soft , yet hard as a rock . I ran into Nathaniel . " You 're fine , " He said through a smile . Life in their home wasn 't bad . They fed and clothed me and gave me a warm place to stay . I helped with field work and cattle , and for once in my life I could truly say I was happy . But then , on a random chance of fate , my story truly began . Nathaniel and I walked down to the beach one day . It was the first warm day in months so Grandma let us go down and enjoy it . I walked along the edge as Nate ran around in the water . " Come in , Liz ! " He shouted in his thick Scottish accent . He made up his own nickname for me , one that only he used . I shook my head at him but he insisted . He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the water . My body tingled , but I thought it was just the coldness of the water . I had no idea what was actually happening . I didn 't realize anything was happening to me at all until that night ; something weird while I was washing up before bed . I had the water running in the bathroom sink , but the water didn 't fall naturally like it should have . The water stuck to my hand as if I was holding something solid in my hand , but I wasn 't holding anything solid , the water was floating in my hand . I turned off the faucet as quickly as I could . What was I supposed to do ? My brain flooded with things . I was scared , excited , confused , so many things at once that made my heart beat faster than it ever had before . Nate pounded on the door and my head jerked to the sid e . " One moment ! " I yelled but by the time I looked back to my hand it was empty . I shook my head and stared at my face in the mirror . My eyes brows knit together in frustration and curiosity . Was I imagining it ? I had had a fairly long day , maybe I was dehydrated and imagining things . But it had felt so real . " Elizabeth , someone is here for you . " Nathaniel said . I opened the door and he greeted me with a smile . I followed him down the hallway and into the sitting room . " Mrs . Pierce , with all due respect , I never left . I was left alone on the beach . " I said as I took the tiniest step back . She clasped my hands in hers . " How did you find me ? " " Mrs . Pierce , I love you and I miss you so much , but I can 't go back there . I 'm free now and these people , they are like family to me now . They let me be free to do what I want . I can 't go back and be locked up again Mrs . Pierce ; I was a prisoner in my own home ! " I bit my lip as the tears built up in my eyes , but I forced myself to not cry . " Honey you don 't have a choice , these people , they aren 't your real family . " Mrs . Pierce said . I could feel Grandma and Nate watching me . I knew they didn 't want me to leave . " Mrs . Pierce , I 've made my decision . I cannot be left in a home where I am neglected . It is my choice to stay , and you will respect that . " I stood up straighter and every muscle in my body tightened at my words . " You are just like your father . I guess I cannot make you leave here , but I will be visiting and if I see any sign of neglect or wrong doings I will be taking you home . " I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her as tightly as I could . " You 're so welcome my child . Now I must be going . I 'm working at a pub down the road from here . Now that you don 't live at the estate I 've looked into other options . I love you my child , no matter what happens . " With one last embrace she left , closing the squeaky door behind her . " She was my chamber maid back home . She raised me as if I were her own . She 's probably the only thing I actually miss . " Nate forced a half smile and wrapped his arm around my shoulder . " Thank you for staying . " He whispered before letting me go . I smiled at him . Nate had turned into my best friend , the only friend I 'd ever had . " Well that was eventful ! " Grandma exclaimed . " You 're always welcome here Elizabeth . " Life was easy after that . I had no more weird encounters with water and Mrs . Pierce came for dinner once every week . Everything seemed perfect . We were all happy . Months went by and one morning I awoke just as every morning before . Nathaniel and I took care of the animals before breakfast . I walked to the well with my bucket to retrieve water for the watering trough . " Yeah , " I responded followed by a grunted effort as I hoisted it above my head to pour the water into the trough . I went through this a few times before the water trough was full to the brim , but what happened after wasn 't supposed to happen , at least it never had before . I could see waves in the trough and bubbles coming from nowhere . " Aye ? " He yelled as he walked towards me , but it was too late . The water splashed from its container and chased my ankles as I took slow steps back . My heart raced within my chest and my hands shook in fear . The water glued to my ankles and raced up my body so I couldn 't move . I lifted my chin to take the deepest breath I could before it engulfed my body entirely . Nathaniel stood there motionless watching me , not knowing how he could help , not knowing what was happening , but I heard something within my head , some sort of calling to the water . I didn 't hear words though ; I couldn 't explain what I was hearing . It was almost like hearing another language and understanding it completely , but the language was the movement of the water . It called me to the sea . As soon as I understood it released me . I fell to my knees and took in deep breaths as Nathaniel rushed to my side . " You 're off to sea tomorrow . " She said sternly . " I have an old friend who will take you both to sea with him . You can 't deny destiny my child . " I looked at her with a soft smile . " Thank you Grandma . " Nathaniel and I packed for sea that night . After saying goodbye to Grandmother we walked to the docks , she said we would be at sea for a week and then be brought home , Nathaniel was coming because Grandmother said I would need protection , even though he hadn 't shown any signs so far of being able to protect anyone . He was strong and tall and could be intimidating if he tried , but when I was being drown alive he did nothing to try and help me . " Elizabeth , and no , I can 't say that I have . This is my friend Nathaniel ; his Grandmother is the one who referred us to you . Thank you so much for this , by the way . " " Ah , dear old Marge , such a sweet miss she is . Where we headed ? " He asked as he walked himself up to the ships wheel . His grey hair was receding to the middle of his head leaving a relatively large oval shape that he covered with a sea mans cap . I looked over to Nathaniel to ask where we should go , but I probably knew more than he did . He shrugged and I walked up to the captain . " What ? " I asked as I rushed towards him but once I got there I realized what he saw . Something floating in the water that looked more like a rock than anything else , but I knew it wasn 't just a rock as its slimy green head purged itself from the water . Its head alone was only slightly smaller than the ship . It stretched its neck , its head coming towards us . I reached my hand out to him , stretching my fingers , aching to touch it , something calling me towards it . I could hear Nate in the background asking what I was doing , telling me not to , but I couldn 't resist . I wasn 't in control of my body anymore . With one fell swoop the behemoths mouth gripped the back of my garments and whisked me to sea with him . My vocal chords ached from screaming but in a few moments I wasn 't afraid . He let me down into the water as gently as possible , he meant me no harm , and I knew that . I extended my hand to him , stroking his nose ever so lightly . The sea monst ers eyes closed as a low purring sound came from deep within him . " Fire ! " I heard from behind me . Everything started happening so quickly after that . A spear bounced off the reptile without leaving a wound , but the mammoth animal knew he was under attack . Waves quaked higher than I could see and soon they were taking me under water . I gasped for air as my head bobbed under the water , but something kept me afloat enough to breathe . The sea monster had some sort of magic within him . He controlled the seas . My eyes closed for a mere moment and I could see the animal 's life flash before my eyes . He was a new born to a small nest of tiny reptiles but got separated from the rest . He made his way to the water years ago , not knowing that the Irish Sea was being used as a chemical waste plant . His body tingled in a sensation only known as his transformation , from reptile to monster . He grew rapidly into the behemoth he is today , his job to watch over the sea , my job , to watch over him . His name was Antaeus . My eyes opened and I saw the shipman getting ready to fire and the giant reptile trying to defend its self . " Elizabeth ! " He yelled but he knew I wasn 't one for giving in . He ripped his gripping hands from the deck and rushed to the sea captain . I couldn 't see what was happening but Nathaniel could be persuasive if he wanted to be . " Antaeus ! " I yelled and the reptile looked down to me . The next words that came from my mouth were in Irish as I commanded him to put me on his back , which he did . I sat on a large pointed scale that held me up as I gripped onto others . It was almost as if the animal was designed with a place for me . I was able to convince Seamus of the animals innocence and then we traveled home and replayed the story to Grandmother , she didn 't seem surprised though . In fact she seemed to already know what was going to happen before it happened . I spent the rest of my days half on the sea and half on land . I was married to Nathaniel by the age of twenty two and our two children grew up with a love for water . I never saw my parents again but I got frequent visits from Mrs . Peirce and sometimes she traveled with us aboard our ship . Life from then was happy , we were all happy . Even Antaeus . |
Getting older isn 't just about arm flab or memory loss . It has its advantages like senior discounts or two for one at IHOP ( between the hours of 4 and 6pm only ) . It 's not much different than the terrible twos but without the spankings . . . . that is unless you want one . Let me say this . . . . . . . . I 'm officially on overload ! We took Mike to the ER yesterday because of blood in his urine and his back hurt so bad that he couldn 't stand up straight and could barely walk . The ER was a complete waste of time . They looked at him visually , did a urine culture and said he had cystitis . Wrote a prescription for an antibiotic and sent us home . We got him home and I fed him dinner , gave him his pills and antibiotic and 30 minutes later he threw them all up . Called the hospital and they said if he threw up anymore ( persistently ) call them back . He didn 't so we got him to bed . Ron and my older brother are with him today so I can work . Then it is all on Butch starting tomorrow . I have to make sure Ron gets a good night 's sleep tonight since we have to be at the hospital by 6 : 00 am tomorrow . Ain 't timing everything ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? 7 comments : I have a tornado of my own . Mike 's condition is rapidly declining even though his psychiatrist said his dementia is in the early stages . What the psychiatrist isn 't aware of is how much time we are having to devote to caring for Mike . Yesterday we took his meals to him and I was helping him get his lunch ready . I told him to get some mustard out of the refrigerator and he brought the butter to the table and left the refrigerator door open . I told him to look at the refrigerator and tell me what he needed to do . He said , " Clean the microwave " . I suggested shutting the refrigerator door . He was obsessed about being constipated which I never know if he really is or not . I gave him two ounces of prune juice and told him to drink plenty of water and be patient . We left him and went home after a couple of hours . I talked to him several times after that and he said he was being patient but I have no idea whether he drank a gallon of prune juice or not . Ron and I got busy working in the yard and about 3 hours later I checked for phone messages and had none . VERY UNUSUAL . . . . . I called Mike and got no answer . We called for another 45 minutes and then drove over to his house . It was about 7 : 00 pm . We found him in the floor face down . . . . . poop everywhere . . . . his nose cut , his arms scraped , bump on his head . He was dead weight . Ron managed to get him up and then got him showered . With out going into further details . . . . . . it was a mess ! I called my older brother and got him over there and he stayed the night with Mike . Ron took off work today and will stay with him today . I don 't know what our next step will be . If this had happened this Friday he would have been on the floor for days . Ron 's surgery is day after tomorrow ! I don 't know what I 'm going to do . I can 't be in two places at once . 4 comments : I live in a state among some amazing neighbors ! Seeing the lines and lines of people , miles long , waiting to just sign - up to volunteer . It 's absolutely amazing . And the outpouring of support from people all over the US and the world has been amazing . The damage here was so widespread it is hard to get help to all the areas affected by the storms . A tornado hit on Sunday and wiped out two smaller towns east of us and of course the huge one on Monday hit a larger metropolitan area . So many displaced families . The need is great ! We had several staff members who lost their homes and others had family members who lost their homes . One young man here was helping his cousin go through the rubble of his home looking for the engagement ring he had purchased for his girlfriend . The house was completely flattened ( and had just been purchased ) . By some miracle Darrel looked down into the rubble and something caught his eye . . . . . the ring box . His cousin was elated . It was a sign that everything would be OK . . . . life goes on . Our young teacher friend , Justin Ayres , who was in the Plaza Tower school met with the other survivors from the school yesterday . It was an emotional reunion but a healing one . One little boy who had been seriously injured in the storm was there and wanted to give Mr . Ayres a gift for " saving his life " . Justin was very moved by the child 's gesture and so relieved that he was well enough to attend . Justin said he had a deep puncture wound in his back the size of a brick ! We survived yesterdays horrific storms but many of our friends were not so lucky . A young friend of ours whose wife teaches with my daughters was in the Plaza school when it took a direct hit . We were unable to get any word of his condition until late last night . Cell phones were down and of course no one could even get to that area but finally someone called his wife to tell her they had seen him and he was helping pull children from the rubble . Later we learned that none of the children he removed were still alive . He is in shock ( understandably ) and it will take a long time for him to process what has happened . School was to be out for good this Friday . Ron left Okla . City at 5 : 00 yesterday and didn 't get home until midnight . We are just about 10 miles south of the path of the tornado so getting home was an obstacle course . But at least everyone is ok . I was texting my best friend when the storm hit and she lives right in the path of the storm . She has MS and was home alone . She text me that she was in her hall but was scared . The next text I received said " I can hear it " and then I got nothing further . I suspected her cell phone was dead but it took awhile to find out just where the tornado hit and I realized it was about a block from her house . I finally got a call from her this morning and though they have minor damage and a lot of debris in their yard , no electricity or water , they are safe and unharmed . My next question to her was " are you ready move ? " This is the 3rd major tornado that barely missed their house . This is what came within two blocks of her home ! We are setting up here at our hospital to take in displaced children with special needs . We are also doing a wheelchair and adaptive clinic for people who lost wheelchairs or they were damaged . That 's going out as a public announcement this morning . We may use our camp cabins to house some displaced special needs adults whose group home was destroyed last night . This is whats great about Oklahomans . We 've unfortunately had a lot of practice as responders to horrific events in our state . People are more than generous . Nothing like an F5 tornado to make you gain perspective . The death toll keeps rising and so many of those are children . A little thing like schizophrenia and dementia just don 't seem that big of a deal in the light of day ! What a Monday it has been . . . . Mike called at 6 : 30 am to tell me he had taken the wrong meds . He had taken his night time pills instead of the morning pills so I ran over there to see just what he 'd taken . It wasn 't too awful since most of them he takes twice / day anyway but there were 3 that needed to be omitted tonight since he has already taken them . I was mostly concerned about the anti - psychotic medication but we were OK there . He is getting closer to requiring 24 / 7 care . I just don 't know how I 'm going to pull it off yet . I 'm still trying to decide what is best all the way around both financially and with his safety as a priority . But this is hard ! Ron and I have one more weekend before his surgery . I just went to the doctor myself because I was pretty sure I had a kidney infection coming on and I was right . Thank goodness I caught it early . I can 't afford to be sick right now . 2 comments : Yesterday my older brother took Mike to see his psychiatrist . I always send the notebook with them that I keep documenting the daily observations I have made of Mike and how he is doing . That way the doctor can see any patterns or changes since his last appointment . Butch discussed the changes we have seen in Mike 's cognitive abilities . The psychiatrist wants to work with Mike 's primary care doctor to get a neurological work up done . I did some research and found that a person must show significant impairment in at least two of the core mental functions to be diagnosed with dementia . Mike is showing impairment in four out of the five . He has deficit in all areas except visual perception . Memory Communication and language Ability to focus and pay attention Reasoning and judgment Visual perception What we want to figure out is the cause and what treatment if any is available . One thing the doctor agreed with is that it isn 't Alzheimers . I think we are embarking on a whole new world of care for my brother . My head is spinning trying to wrap around what comes next . Right now I just want to slow down , get as much information as I can and then take each day one at a time . My goal is for Mike to continue to live in his own home with support . One thing that may be available if he has a clear diagnosis of dementia is additional assistance through Medicare . I don 't know if it would qualify him for more in home help or not but I 'm sure going to find out . Even if it is just help with his medications that would save me $ 100 . 00 / month . Maybe later on we might be able to get additional help . So , life goes on as a caregiver . I learn more every day and especially just how much I love my brother . I will do everything I can to make his life as good as I can . 2 comments : Last night I was invited to a women 's circle meeting . A bible study group from my church . I 'm really not a very social person , don 't know why but I guess it stems from being shy as a kid . I always feel awkward in group settings . But I keep telling myself I am a 63 year old woman and it is time to step out of my comfort zone from time to time . The meeting was held at a lovely woman 's condominium . A huge two story home with white marble floors . It was straight out of an HGTV design show . When I learned that the meetings rotate from one woman 's home to another I was immediately intimidated . Now , don 't get my wrong , I love my tiny house but folks . . . . it is tiny ! Why I barely have enough room for Ron and maybe a gold fish . And I can assure you it was not decorated by Vern Yip or the design stars . It 's more early American hand - me - down . Now , why do I know that " stuff " is of no consequence yet I 'm self - conscious by the lack of it . I felt like a country bumpkin in the city for the first time . I was just in awe looking at her original paintings and silver service . She had the table laid out with fine china and sterling silver . My red walmart plastic cups and paper plates wouldn 't cut it . I did enjoy the fellowship and bible study . We discussed hate and how it kills . It was from the book of John . That when you hate your brother you are a murderer and do not have eternal life within you . When I think about hate I think about how it kills the hater 's spirit . It kills something within you and probably doesn 't affect the person you are directing your hatred towards in the least . Forgiveness is key and in order to heal your heart you have to forgive . That is not the same thing as condone . I 'm afraid people are unwilling to give up their hate because they do not want anyone to think that whatever transgression was done to them was OK . But the longer you hang on to hatred the more it steals from you . As my brother 's cognitive abilities decline , for reasons unknown to us , I am being forced to think about what comes next . My first thought was to try and find out just what is causing the decline in the first place . I 've read everything I can about psychotic episodes and one article really rang a bell . It said that the more episodes a person has and the increased severity can lead to brain damage . Mike has had several hospitalizations over his life time but only two psychotic breaks . The first one only lasted a few days and he fully recovered . Of course he was more than twenty years younger . The one he had in 2010 was long and debilitating and he has never recovered to his previous level of function . In fact he has been a different person altogether . I think I kept trying to get him to be as he was before and have only recently accepted the fact that it will never happen . Every day I see him fading away a little more . He is no longer able to handle his finances or simple tasks . But he tries so hard . He will look at you with the most confused look on his face and blank eyes . Yesterday I went over after work to get his mail and see if he needed anything . He hates being alone and wants company all the time . That 's why he is constantly on the phone . He cried a little over his friend Lloyd but I reminded him of all the great friends he made through Lloyd . I told him the best way to honor his friend is to live the happiest , most joyful life that he can . He asked me why his memory is so bad and I didn 't have a good answer for him . I just said that it just happens sometimes to people as they age . I told him he is lucky because he has friends and family that are there to help him . I told him my goal is for him to live independently for as long as possible . I did say that I can 't guarantee it will be forever though . That my main concern has to be his safety . In the back of my mind I have thought the next phase would be for him to live with Ron and I . But when I really think about that my greatest concern would be that he might outlive me or that my health might prevent me from being able to take care of him . It might be more compassionate to transition him to a nursing home rather than my home . That way if anything happened to me he would already be settled and wouldn 't have to go through such a trauma twice and I wouldn 't be here to help him . I don 't know what is ahead or whether we will be able to find a home that would even take him . I almost believe he would have to be so far gone that he wouldn 't realize where he was before we 'd be able to get him to go . We have a lot of questions for his psychiatrist Thursday . I wish someone would do some testing to determine if he has brain damage or is this dementia or what . Information is power and I could use a little power about now . Our Sunday school class ended yesterday and a new class will not start until the fall . The last two classes were on the stages of grief . We first covered the grief we experience when we lose someone . Yesterday 's class was on the grief of the dying person himself . It was interesting to hear how important it is to listen to the needs of the dying person . Someone in class had lost their wife about 6 months ago and talked about the strain it was on his wife that her adult children were unable to accept her inevitable death . They remained in severe denial throughout her 3 month illness imposing their will upon her . They put all their hope and faith into homeopathic treatments and refused to acknowledge their mother was dying . Her husband said that his wife went along with their denial for their sake but longed to be able to talk to them about what was happening and tell them the things she wanted them to know . I thought that was very interesting . They discussed how it is ideal if the dying and the loved ones are able to reach the same stage together . But that no matter what you should listen to the needs of the dying person . Even if you are not at the same place . I guess everyone is different and our greatest hope is that when that time comes whether our own or a loved one . . . . that the passing will be peaceful and without pain . That 's about the best you could hope for . I kept watching Ron and wondering if this was a difficult topic for him . He said that it was very interesting and that he was really OK with whatever comes . He said he isn 't anxious about his surgery only anxious to get the results . I think he is as prepared as anyone could be under the circumstances . He said he is tired of the " not knowing " whether his kidney cancer has actually metastasized to his lung . If it has it will be a game changer but we will deal with it . If it turns out to be benign that will give us more hope than we 've had in 4 years . He says he is ready to know one way or the other . My brother has no sense of money or time . He doesn 't understand abstract concepts and if he has an appointment on Thursday , May 16th . . . . all he understands is Thursday ! He 's been telling me his psychiatric appointment is on Thursday for the past two months . I have to explain NOT this Thursday but Thursday , May 16th . He obsesses over and over about it and calls the doctor 's office daily . I 've used calendars and marked them but it doesn 't mean a thing to him . All he knows is THURSDAY ! The money issue is harder . I 'm not sure how to creatively manage it . I have control over his money but he also needs to have some independence and freedom . I 'm thinking I will start giving him just enough money for each day . I 'd like to give it to him weekly ( because it is just more convenient for me ) but I afraid he would spend it all in one day . He was able to manage pretty well until the last two months . His cognitive decline has been rapidly progressing and he spent $ 1 , 300 last month just on food but we don 't know exactly on what . Going to Subway , Homeland grocery and Walmart are just daily activities for him but he 's buying all kinds of weird things . So we took the debit card away . Now I have to come up with some clever way for him to have access to a little money at a time . I wish I could give it to him weekly but he would spend it all in one day . We are going to arrange to have all his mail sent to me so he won 't even see a bill . He can 't remember where he puts his mail and we keep finding it in the strangest places . I know he will not be able to live alone much longer but right now he would fight us if we tried to change that . I 'm just trying to buy time . We are looking at the possibility of building a small guest house in our backyard . If the city will approve it that is . They were impossible to deal with when we enlarged our driveway so I can only imagine how picky they would be about a guest house . We don 't want to live in the same house with Mike if we can help it because he can consume you . He consumed our parents and I just don 't want that to happen to me . He already is a full - time job without living with him . 7 comments : Ron got his tooth out and man is his jaw swollen . . . . . took the wrinkles right out . An interesting thing about this tooth . . . he has another one under it that couldn 't come through . The dentist is interested to see if it will now that the other tooth has been pulled . I 'm just glad he got it out and is on an antibiotic . We have a good 3 weeks to get the infection cleared up . I also got him ( us ) a new patio umbrella . I thought it would be a nice shady spot to recuperate after his surgery . I didn 't want everyone to think I only gave him cotton balls . . . . . . that would just be mean . If I can get the house back in order I think we will be ready for his surgery . I just have to square things away at work and then I can devote my time to Ron . I have plenty of meals in the freezer so we should be good to go . Thinking about retirement is new for me . I 've been working since I was sixteen so it 's pretty much what I know . Does everyone feel a little anxious when they are preparing to retire ? All I hear is the gloom and doom projected for social security and medicare just at the time I 'm thinking about drawing both . I worry about my state retirement and how solvent it will remain . I am constantly doing the math and wondering if it is feasible to retire . I took a pretty good hit to my retirement account during the recession but it has recovered somewhat . I 'm just scared it will happen again . I guess it is just the vulnerability I am feeling . Sixty - six seems to be the age when others have left the hospital . That seems to be the magic number around here and I 've seen pressure put on some individuals to retire . I 'll be 64 in July so that magic age of 66 isn 't that far away . Mike 's good friend and neighbor Lloyd died this morning . Mike had such a tough day yesterday grieving for his friend but he seemed OK this morning . He was going to his Silver Sneakers class today ( that Lloyd introduced him to ) and tell the other members of Lloyd 's passing . I told him to have fun in Lloyd 's honor with joy in his heart ! Ron woke up with his jaw swollen around his tooth . Thank goodness he 's been on the antibiotic for a week . He 's on his way to the dentist to have it extracted . He still won 't admit I was right . . . . . stubborn man ! We were both so tired last night we didn 't go out for our anniversary . Instead we built a fire in the chiminea and ate dinner outside . It was very relaxing and we enjoyed just staying home . He gave me a box of Q - tips in response to my cotton balls . . . . . he made me a card that said I was the fabric of his life . . . Now I have to see what year three will be . We 've done paper and cotton so far . My niece is doing well and staying very positive . I 'm proud of her hard work . As Dr . Phil says . . . . . . this has been a changing day in her life . So . . . . . hopefully today will be a peaceful reprieve from recent events . Mike is willing to let me handle all of his finances from now on and Ron will be helping me . He understands that we just want him to be safe and happy ! 4 comments : Happy Anniversary to my best friend and husband ! It has been two wonderful years and I can 't believe I have been so blessed . I hope you know why I gave you a jar of cotton balls this morning . The 2nd anniversary is , you guessed it , cotton ! I could have given you a shirt but I thought the cotton balls got right to the point . Plus , I needed some anyway . Of course this isn 't the only surprise awaiting you today but you will just have to be patient and let the day unfold . I had to scramble yesterday to make some anniversary plans as we had expected Ron would be in the hospital today recovering from surgery . Since it was postponed I had to get it in gear . I will not divulge my plans just in case he reads my post before I have a chance to surprise him . Thank goodness my Board meeting was last night and I 'm going to be home this evening . the special mother 's day gifts I have received from my daughters through the years . There are handmade gifts from school . One of my favorites is a construction paper Mike 's impulsiveness has made today just " one of those days " . My patience is wearing thin from all the phone calls but mostly because he does the opposite of what I tell him to do . There was an issue with one of his prescriptions that I told him his nurse would handle . I specifically told him to leave it alone and let us take care of the problem . But he calls the pharmacy 10 times instead and they are getting tired of dealing with him . It makes it hard for me to get his meds and to keep them straight . He calls the nurse who fills his med planner just to tell her he 's not worried about his meds . Thank goodness she is a personal friend or she would refuse to deal with him . He knows I 'm frustrated because I 'm sure he hears it in the tone of my voice . Sometimes I feel I have to get firmer with him in order to get him to stop calling me every 10 minutes . I know he can 't help his behavior but I really need him to try ! As my brother 's cognitive abilities decline it becomes increasingly evident that Ron and I will have to step in more and more . For the most part Mike has been handling his own finances with Ron and I checking in and making sure he has enough money . But lately we are noticing he is more and more confused about how much he has and how much he is spending . ( The extra foot long sandwich each day for the refrigerator for example ) . One idea we are considering is to have all his bills sent to us and then we will pay them from his account . He likes to use a credit card for all his food purchases but we are thinking about putting a cap on the limit . We 've tried to avoid getting legal guardianship of Mike because of all the red tape you have to jump through . We had legal guardianship of my mother and the majority of her estate went to pay the lawyer . We want to avoid that if possible . As long as we have power of attorney and Mike is cooperative I think we can manage without that formality . We want him to remain as independent as possible but at the same time we want to protect him from people who would take advantage of his disability . Sadly there are many . One of his neighbors was able to get nearly $ 7 , 000 from him to paint the house inside and out . ( This was before our mother died ) The money is gone but the house was never painted . Ended up the guy was a drug addict that took the money and split . Mike is so impulsive that he does things first and then asks if it was alright after the fact . I guess I have no choice but to get even more involved than I have been . I guess I 'm just feeling overwhelmed . I wish I could just enjoy him and not be responsible for him . . . . if that makes sense . 1 comment : Things are calm again at our house . Ron got a prescription for an antibiotic yesterday for 30 days and he 'll get the tooth pulled next Wednesday . He 's forgiven me for interfering but he still thinks everyone made a big deal out of nothing , even his thoracic surgeon . That 's OK . . . . he doesn 't have to admit I was right he just has to get through all this and be OK . That 's all I want ! I woke up this morning thinking he would be going in to the operating room right now if the surgery hadn 't been canceled . It felt a little surreal since I 've been preparing for today for months . This whole battle with cancer has been surreal . We hurry up and wait . . . . wait for doctor 's appointments , wait for test results , wait for consultations , then wait some more for everyone to get on the same page and develop a plan . Ron and I are just passengers on a train . We know we are heading down the track but we have no idea where we are going or any control over where or when we get off . So , we just settle in and try to enjoy the scenery ( our lives ) along the way . I had everything on track for work for the next few weeks but now I have to start all over . I 'm looking at my schedule in June now and trying to figure out how to cover everything . Oh well , it will all work out in the end . In fact , I think June is actually a lighter month than May so it may even be easier . My niece was discharged from the hospital and started her AA program last night . I haven 't seen her but I 've talked to her on the phone . She sounded good but she has a lot of work ahead of her and I 'm praying she will focus on getting well . Alcoholism isn 't something I 've ever dealt with . . . . . I don 't know exactly how to support her but I 'm trying . Well , surgery has been re - scheduled . It seems that my sweet , dear , husband had kept the fact that he has an abscessed tooth a secret from his doctor and his wife . Ron had gone to the dentist about two months ago about the tooth and he came home and told me that the tooth was dead but they said it was up to him if he wanted to pull it . At the time I thought that didn 't sound quite right but I didn 't question him about it . Well , it seems that the dentist wanted to pull the tooth and Mr . Ron just didn 't want to because the tooth wasn 't hurting . He didn 't even take an antibiotic . So , it has continued to get worse . Tuesday night I happened to remember the tooth and I asked him if it had cleared up . He said no that it still had an abscess and was draining . He just poohed it off and said it was no big deal . I told him to call the surgeon and tell him about it but he called the dentist instead who wasn 't in the office . I called the surgeon yesterday and he said no way was he having surgery Friday . . . . Ron has to be on an antibiotic at least 3 weeks before he will be able to have surgery . Well , I was in the dog house last night . Ron was not happy that I told his surgeon and thinks it was just no big deal . I told him I only gave the doctor the information it was his decision to re - schedule the surgery . There was no way I was going to let him go to the hospital knowing he hadn 't told his doctor about the infection . I guess to some I overstepped some code by telling his doctor about the infection but if I hadn 't and something awful happened I wouldn 't have forgiven myself . I just told Ron I 'd rather have him alive and mad at me than dead . I was 39 years old when my father died . He and my mother were the most important people in the world to me along with my children . My dad was the patriarch and the humor in our family . A world class storyteller and a wit as sharp as a knife . Growing up and just imagining losing him was unthinkable . I fully expected his death to be the end of my life as well . Up until his death I had never lost anyone close to me so I had no idea what to expect . My dad 's death was sudden as far as deaths go . He had never been seriously ill or in the hospital until then . But one day he started having a problem with his bowel and went to the ER . His colon was completed blocked by a tumor . There was a question as to whether he would even survive the surgery but he did . They removed 90 % of his colon but he survived only to succumb to an asthma attack 7 days later . The shocking thing about his death for me was not what I expected . I had always anticipated I would crumble under the grief but that is not what I experienced . From the moment he died I never felt he was gone . It 's hard to explain but I felt him with me as if I could reach out and touch him . At night I would feel him sit on my bed . I didn 't recognize what it was at first . . . thinking the dog had jumped on the bed only to turn on the light and see nothing there . Then I recalled how my dad would always sit on my bed when I was a little girl and listen to my prayers . His weight would always cause me to roll toward him resulting in a burst of giggles . For almost two years this became a routine experience . I 'd turn off the bedside lamp after going to bed and almost immediately feel the bed sink as if someone heavier had sat on the edge . It was the most comforting feeling . . . . one I didn 't share with anyone for almost two years . Then one evening out of no where my mother told me " You know your daddy sits on my bed at night . " I was just shocked . Then I shared my experience with her and we both just knew it was true . Over time he has stopped coming . The last time it happened was the night after my mother died . I just knew that he was telling me they were together . Well , last Sunday in our Sunday school class we were discussing the stages of grief . The ones everyone are familiar with such as denial , anger , acceptance , etc . Then we were asked to share experiences of loss . A woman in our class spoke about losing her daughter when she was in her late twenties . She said that every day while her daughter was sick they would lay together and nap in the afternoon . The woman described how after her daughter died she would go to her room and lay down on the bed as she had done before her death . She described how she would feel the weight of her daughter behind her as the bed sank just a little and feel her body curl up behind her . She said she would sleep so peacefully feeling her daughter was still with her and how it eased her grief . I am a 66 year old who after 34 years of being alone married my best friend in the whole world on May 7 , 2011 . All good things are worth waiting for . My loving husband joined me as a primary caregiver to my 67 year old brother who has battled the disease of Schizophrenia since he was 19 years old . |
Photo Copyright : Maggie MayForgive the quality of this photo . It was night time and I used a setting that I thought would come out well and only found out later that it wasn 't very good and I only took this one . A few days ago , we went for a walk around Clifton Suspension Bridge just as it was getting dark , for a little exercise . I 'd never crossed the bridge before when it was all lit up . I 've been extremely busy with my daughter and grandsons ' visit . I accompanied them to see the boys ' other grandmother , who lives in Birmingham and also to Sidmouth to see the other grandfather . It was good to be able to go further afield as it is some time since I managed to get out that far . I really enjoyed the change of scenery . Hope you all had a lovely Christmas , as we did . It went far too quickly and we ate too much , as usual . I will not make another New Years Resolution to lose weight , as I did last year , as I will probably not live up to it , just as I didn 't last time . Harry has not been at all well since his last chemo and has not picked up very well . He is suffering from anaemia and has oedema of the legs and tummy which the doctor is treating with different drugs . I hope he will respond to these . I 'd like to wish you all a Happy New Year . Photo Copyright : Maggie MayLast year , Denise from Mrs Nesbitt 's Space , sent me the pattern for this Nativity and because it was nearly Christmas when I received it , I only managed to finish Mary , Joseph and Jesus . I went on knitting the rest of the figures though and then just put all the pieces in a bag and forgot about them because Spring had sprung . As this Christmas approached , I decided to get out the pieces again and try to put them together . So here they are . I haven 't quite finished the kings though . There always seems so many more important things to do . Maybe they will be finished in time for Epiphany in the New Year . Isn 't that the time when the kings are noted for their arrival ? Although I will try and visit other people 's blogs , I am going to be really busy with last minute Christmas rush and my daughter and grandsons ' visit and babysitting the girls , so I might not get another post out before Christmas . So I want to take this opportunity to wish you all a very Happy and Blessed Christmas . Photos Copyright : Maggie MayI can 't believe that a whole week has passed since I last wrote a post . Whatever have I been doing ? Well . . . . . I have been busy with Millie 's party , which was a great success . My friend , Audrey played a huge part in organising it and choosing many of the games . One game that was a great success was turning a new terracotta plant pot up on end onto a large plate . Then the children take turns to pick up jelly beans or Smarties with a fork and try to get as many in through the small opening as possible while being timed by a timer . This was not an easy task but anything that did make it through the hole in the bottom of the pot could be eaten by the child whose go it was . Another game was to try to cut a large bar of chocolate with a fork , while being timed and a die was also being rolled all the time by the person whose go it was next . This meant that not many children got to eat much chocolate because they had to move along , but this didn 't seem to deter them trying . They played * Pass the Parcel * and everyone got a prize , so nobody felt left out . The children , who were mainly aged 7 yrs , did much organising themselves and the party seemed to go without too much effort from grownups and everyone seemed to enjoy it . This was the first home party that my son had ever been able to have and he now feels he would definitely be able to cope with other ones . ( With his team of helpers , of course ) . This is also the time of school concerts and today I went to watch Millie in her school production of a musical that represented The Nativity but emphasised the different countries of the world who celebrate it . There were songs from other lands and the children were in different national outfits and there was also an emphasis on World Peace . I have been invited to see another class doing the same thing later today when I will be able to see Audrey 's youngest child taking part . I thought Millie 's production was magnificent and look forward to seeing the second one because I am sure the different children taking Posted by Photo Copyright : Maggie MayLets have a taste of summer , shall we ? I expect you will remember Clare Dunn did a painting of this summer photo of a corner of my garden some time ago and I promised that I would show a picture of it when it was framed . I am very pleased with the result but have fiddled and fiddled to try to get a good photo of the picture in the frame and it looks more of a yellowy green in the photo than it does in reality . As I don 't ever touch up photos , there is nothing that I can do about it . . . . . . . except to say that I am very pleased with the result of the actual picture in the frame . The light is shining in the wrong places , no matter what I try to do . I am not a very good photographer , Clare . Well in reality , we are far from summer and I am suddenly realising how near Christmas is and how little I have done about it . So now I am furiously trying to catch up and get things organised before my daughter and grandsons arrive the week before the holiday begins . I went shopping in town today and probably , because of the bad state of finance in the whole of Europe , including England , there were not as many crowds about as usual , so I was finished in good time . I think one more trip to town should just about do it . Anyway , although it is a bit chilly , the sun is bravely trying to shine through , which is really weird for December . I have been busy helping my son with his house , sometimes just house sitting while he goes out because of an expected delivery . There is also a party to help with this week as youngest granddaughter is having a 7th Birthday . This is the first time they 've been able to have a party at home , so there is a lot of planning and organising to do . Our friend , Audrey is helping and has come up with some really good ideas . I have had a poorly rabbit to contend with and every morning , I have to trick Lily into thinking she is coming out for a cuddle and having to surreptitiously pop a syringe of antibiotic into her mouth . No easy task as she knows what I am going to do . I am trying to finish thePosted by Photos Copyright : Maggie MayNo two days seem the same , weather wise . I spent some time in Sam 's garden , discussing the plans he was making to revamp it . Naturally , Rome wasn 't built in a day and there are many things that he might choose to do first . While we were talking , the sky really blackened and threatened us with a storm . However , there was a gusty wind blowing north and the storm clouds were carried away almost as fast as they had appeared . Last week , I spent a morning at Sam 's house in lovely sunshine and we were able to sit out on garden chairs while we sipped tea and planned what we 'd do to make the garden more presentable . After relaxing this way for a while , I remarked that between the two of us , we might be able to put up the second hand garden shed that he 'd recently had delivered in a flat pack state . It looked a fair sized shed when we 'd first seen it , so it would be heavy and Sam knew that I couldn 't do any lifting . I said that I thought I could hold the sides while Sam screwed the panels together . So we got out of the chairs and I was given an end piece to hold so that Sam could screw this onto the longer side piece . The minute that we started to do this fairly simple task , the sun went in as gusts of wind blew quite strongly and in sudden bursts . This was totally unexpected , but being the stubborn people that we are , I stood my ground hanging onto two panels while Sam quickly used his power drill to join them together . All the time the end piece kept slipping off the base which made things difficult and slowed us down while it was put back into position . Once the second side piece had been secured , then it was much easier and it stayed in place but the wind was blowing the sides out of shape at this stage . The second end piece was screwed onto the ends of the side pieces and that stood really rigid . We went to open the door but found we were locked inside the shell of the shed . It was too high for either of us to leap over the side , so the end piece with the door had to be unscrewed and taken off to lePosted by Photos Copyright : Maggie MayMy lucky little rabbits have just received an early Christmas present . It was a friend who first put the idea into my head . She told me I was making things hard for myself transferring Ash and Lily from hutch to run each morning and evening and having to clean out two lots of accommodation . She suggested a Bunny Barn and told me to look on the web site for a bargain . Well , I soon found one and within three days of ordering , the flat pack was delivered . My son , Sam , being a carpenter by trade , soon had the barn standing in one piece . In fact it took him less than 15 mins from start to finish . As the bunnies were quite used to their old way of life and knowing that rabbits like routine , I wondered what they 'd think of their new abode . After the shock of finding themselves in a completely different environment , they gingerly sniffed their way around their new habitat but avoided the steep ramp to their sleeping quarters for a long time . I knew Ash , the black rabbit would soon get over his reservations because Netherland Dwarf rabbits are quite agile jumpers . However , Lily is a little more sturdy and chunky and her legs are much shorter . I wondered if she 'd ever get the hang of going up to the top level . It wasn 't until the next day that she tentatively started to mount the ramp but when she got to the top , she couldn 't quite grasp how to get off the ramp and onto the landing so she let herself slide all the way down again and chickened out . She didn 't attempt it again for a long time . Ash , on the other hand was by then , racing up and down the ramp as though he 'd always been doing it . He practically leaps off the top of the landing in what looks like a suicide jump . A day later , Lily finally plucked up the courage to go and inspect the upstairs living quarters but then she decided she couldn 't get back down . I can remember having to show my late cats how to use a cat flap and I had to do the same with Lily and the ramp . Anybody coming into my house would have seen me lying on the floor with my heaPosted by Photos Copyright : Maggie MayThis winter has started off extraordinarily mild and it seems so strange to have fuchsias , honeysuckle and roses still in full bloom . Today it is warmer here than in Florence , Italy . It is very unusual to find these plants in flower in the winter time in our part of the country . My garden is a bit of a mess as neither Harry nor I can do very much work out there at the moment . It seems to really aggravate my back and hip . However , I do what I can when I can . If you notice the last photo , you will see that I had a tub planted up with tulip bulbs . I am fed up with the way that foxes seem to be digging everything up . You can see that they have started to dig down into the earth to see if the bulbs are worth eating . In my front garden they have dug out the primula plants that I carefully put into a pot to brighten the winter days . They also scattered earth right over the path and they often leave their mess for me to clean up too . Just as well my bunnies are tucked up in the house otherwise they would be really scared of these night time predators and might end up as an easy dinner . They are city foxes and probably come from nearby allotments . When I first saw them , I was quite surprised as they are quite tame and one once tried to come into my house . They are an extreme nuisance and I don 't encourage them at all , though I know that some people do put food out for them . Harry is just about to start his tenth session of chemotherapy and should be feeling better by Christmas . I think my daughter and grandsons are coming over for Christmas so that will be something good to look forward to . I have a scan some time in January and will get the results the following month . I 'm not looking forward to that at all . I do have a chance that everything will be well though and these chances make a difference to my outlook . Photo copyright : Maggie MayI 've been really busy over the last few days because of my son 's recent house move . The move happened on the 11th day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year of the 21st century . ( Armistice Day ) . It will be impossible to forget that date . It seemed to run smoothly and although it was exhausting for all the friends who lifted things into and out of the hire van , and then into the * new * house , it seemed to go well . It is amazing how friends rally round in times of need and Sam is very lucky to have such a good bunch of friends . I don 't know what he would have done without all the help . One friend even hired a small van and all of them made several trips from the old home to the new in their cars as well as the van . All of these friends worked really hard and it couldn 't have been easy . These friends ' kindness and hard work will not be forgotten by any of us . I couldn 't do as much physically as I wanted to do mentally . One of the tricks that old age plays on one is that somehow or other , the mind doesn 't age as fast as the body does . I can be sitting in a chair , rearranging things and moving things , in my head , but when I come to actually try to put these things into practice , then my body often cannot cope with the exertion and lets me down . I work for ten minutes and rest for twenty . It is a very sad state of affairs . If I thought all the boxes were going to be moved from my house as soon as the move occurred , then I was very wrong . Sam 's house , although bigger than the last one , has boxes and things stacked in every room . So it will be weeks before he takes the ones from here . The house will need to be redecorated throughout ( eventually ) and at some point a garage needs to be built . However , the house was the important part and all the rest can happen slowly . The children will be nearer their school , Sam will be nearer to friends and to us and the neighbourhood seems very friendly . I would like to thank all the friends who helped with the real hard work , two men and two women . . . . I think you Posted by Photos Copyright : Maggie MayLast time I wrote a post , I was furiously trying to de - clutter ( and I still am ) but with my son 's imminent move now only days away , there is more and more of his stuff coming into my house . I see boxes being smuggled into the loft and I groan . " Its only the size of a shoebox , Mum " , He says . Who is he trying to kid ? I see the huge size of them out of the corner of my eye . Yesterday , he called round with a very heavy coffee table , that has now been dumped into my lounge . Today , while I was out shopping he called round with a piano / organ already coupled to the mains and being played . " You can have it for the week , " He announced . I used to have a miniature piano when I first moved into this house but when my children left home , I decided I wanted more space and sold it . The thing I really regret is letting all my music go too . I think it would be worth a lot of money now as much of it was passed down to me by my parents . It would have been classed as vintage . So there I was , with a small piano / organ and no music . Not that I can really play . I learnt for a year or two when I was a child but never took any grades . However , when I was a teenager I could sight read a piece of music and bash out a tune . . . . . . . slowly . . . . . . and painfully . I went round some charity shops today and asked if any of them had any piano music and one had . They were charging quite a lot though , because , as the saleslady had said , the music is very old . Nothing like rubbing my nose in it . The pieces I bought were very hard but I hope to practise and improve a bit . My son said that I can go to his house to practise during the day , especially if he is out . It will only be a short walk away . I am also going out walking more and sometimes the only time I can spare is just around dusk . It is good to watch the changing skies while I do this . Yes , I think I am getting stronger . Photo copyright : Maggie MayI 'd been looking forward to seeing my daughter and grandsons and when they arrived last weekend , I was dismayed that I found myself fighting off some kind of virus that caused painful glands in the neck and aching limbs and snuffles . When I was working in the school until quite recently , I had built up a resistance to most things and was rarely ill with anything that was going round . I think seeing me like that worried Deb a lot . Anyway , by Sunday afternoon , I started to feel better and we went out for a walk together . Then she had to leave . I found myself crying after they 'd all gone . I haven 't done that for a long time . However , I woke up feeling heaps better the next day and started to do quite a bit of tidying up . Unused to this sudden surge of energy , I decided to do as much as possible . I collected all the old videos together that the children used to love but have now grown out of . I filled up a small trolley and off I set to our local High Street where there are about a dozen Charity shops . It soon became apparent that I couldn 't leave the videos in the first few shops that I tried and they all told me the same story . There was no call for them and they recommended that I throw them all on the Council tip . I went home with my load of unacceptable donations and decided that I would try ringing the largest local charity shop that was the furthest distance from me . This proved quite fruitful as they told me to come with them straight away . Off I set with my trolley full of unwanted Walt Disney films . It did make me feel a little twinge of nostalgia when I thought of all the times my grandsons had been glued to the screen watching these films and later my granddaughters who did the same . When I returned home with my lighter trolley I was surprised how the Spring Cleaning mode carried on and I spent the whole day tidying up . Now what has caused this , do you think ? Well Sam has been given a date to move into his house ( God forbid that anything should go wrong at this late stage . ) When they came aPosted by Photo Copyright Maggie MayI expect you will all be pleased to hear that my mood has lifted ! Thank God for that , you might be mumbling . The reason why ? Well yesterday I went to Oncology for my review concerning the fact it had been a month since my last radiation treatment . I was given a thorough overhaul and was able to tell the consultant ( who had arranged the radiation in the first place ) that I was aching and not feeling as well as I should be . He told me that it will be two more months before he would even consider me anything like normal and he said I was being really hard on myself . He felt I was doing fine . I will be having a scan in the New Year . The consultant told me he would not have put me through so radical a treatment unless I had a very good chance of being free of the problem for a good while . So I have to believe that . I felt like hugging him and came out skipping . I am off all pain relief now and am thinking of getting twin beds so that I can get a decent nights sleep with out getting clumped in the back by a restless husband . Harry starts chemo 9 tomorrow and his consultant is also very happy with him . Looks like we might both feel well for Christmas and fingers crossed . . . . . . it seems that my son 's house move is on the cards soon . In one of my posts I wrote that I was reading The Clan of The Cave Bears and that it would do for my winter reading . There are six books in the series . On the whole most people who commented on my post , enjoyed at least the first few books . Some said that they stopped reading them because there was explicit sex in the content and human sacrifice . Well , there is explecit sex content but only in the way that people living then might have experienced it . That was only part of the story and not meant to be pornographic in anyway . Far from it . So far I haven 't come across human sacrifice though a bear did get killed in this way . I don 't enjoy reading about animals getting killed but this story is meant to have happened 35 , 000 years before the present civilisation and I think consPosted by In my last post , I was in a state about the water running down the wall and causing damp to get under the wallpaper in the bathroom , causing mould to grow through the paper and the beginnings of the same in the room beneath . We couldn 't get hold of a plumber who was known to us ( unless we took pot luck by getting some one in from The Yellow Pages . ) This is always a risky thing to do . We realised that there must be a problem with the ballcocks in the two tanks connected to the central heating in our roof space , causing the overflow to be in use . The problem was . . . . . where was the outside overflow and why wasn 't the water running clear of the wall ? On closer examination , it appeared that the overflow had been cut off by the men who had put new facial board on the back of the house when they decorated it over ten years ago . This meant that the water came out from beneath the facial board and tricked down the wall unnoticed until it started to seep through the wall . Obviously there hadn 't been a problem with the overflow until recently and that is why it wasn 't discovered before . My son , Sam , went up to the roof space and looked into the tanks and was able to see the need for two new ballcocks and they were easily replaced . Trouble was now , there was a slight leak on the outside of the tank for some reason , that would in time come through the ceiling in the bathroom . So now we had to put a container under the drip and we worked out that this would need emptying twice a day because it took quite a while to fill the container . In the meantime , my son managed to get a plumber friend to come and see the problem . He called round today and he was very efficient and knew what to do immediately and for a very reasonable price . The trouble with the facial board can be dealt with maybe in the warmer weather as it will not cause any more problems for a long time . If I still could get in touch with the men who chopped the pipe off because it would be easier to fit the facial board , then I would . However , after ten years I feel that tPosted by Photo Copyright : Maggie MayOver the last few weeks we have experienced many different kinds of weather . We started off with a heat wave and we 've had rain , followed by sunshine and then really cold weather , followed by sunshine again and now it seems to have settled into rain and much colder weather . Wet weather is the last thing I need at the moment because we have a problem with water running down the back of our house and as it is an old stone wall that has no cavity , the damp is coming through the wall and has already ruined the bathroom and is now creeping downstairs . Naturally we realised that something was wrong and our son , Sam brought a ladder round and cleaned out the gutter above the problem area . He felt that was the answer , but instead of drying out , the wet is continuing to seep through to the inside wall and I think it is something more serious . There is no sign of an overflow pipe oozing water . I wonder where it can be coming from ? Harry has to keep well away from anything dirty that could be harbouring bacteria . . . because of his lowered resistance caused by chemo therapy and it seems beyond me to be able to do very much myself . Besides , he hasn 't the energy or stamina to deal with this anymore than I have . I keep asking myself , why we didn 't move into somewhere smaller and newer when we were in a stronger position a good few years ago . What has kept us in this big house when we are no longer in a position to look after it and do the necessary repairs ? Seems we get over one problem only to be confronted by something else . I have tried calling plumbers that are known to us , so far with no success . Isn 't it annoying that this is the type of thing that can really wear you to the ground ? It seems all we need after having to go through painful , lengthy treatments and life threatening illnesses to be outwitted by water . No , not dance . I 'm not quite up to dancing . However , today I decided to give my singing group a try and a friend , who also wanted to go back to it , went with me . It was good to get back to it but we are right behind , having missed a whole term , so we have to learn eight songs that we didn 't know . We didn 't realise that we 'd chosen the last day of term to go back . So we were given a CD to learn over the holidays in order to catch up . So that worked out very well . The book in the picture above , was given to me to read from an old boxful of things to be thrown away . At first , I thought it was a children 's book but although the cover looks a bit that way , it is for adults judging by what I have read so far . Actually , it is a set of two books and there are another two similar ones to carry on the story , making that six books altogether . I don 't normally go in for long sagas but this first book that I am nowhere near a quarter of the way through , has captured my mind and I can see that this will be my winter reading matter . I will have to get the other books too . Has anyone else read them and if so did you like them ? Photos Copyright : Maggie MayI copied this idea from another blogger . Although I had made crochet blankets before , I liked the way mrsrunofthemillsblogspot another Maggie , used different sizes of squares in her pattern . I also liked the scalloped edge and was not sure about how to achieve this . My crochet skills are very basic . It took me from May to the present time to use all the wool from my wool bag and to have pieced together a large shape for a blanket . The other Maggie told me through a comment how to make a scolloped edge and she gave me very easy to follow instructions . I am very pleased with the finished result . Sometimes I didn 't feel like doing any work on it at all and had regular breaks from it while I read a book or did some other activity . However , it gradually started to take shape and as it grew , I became more enthused with finishing it . I have heard that we are in for a very hard winter so I shall , no doubt , be very glad to have the blanket to cuddle into during an evenings session watching TV . Photo Copyright : Maggie MayAs the week is passing by , I am reducing my pain relief considerably , and apart from my usual arthritic pain , I am enjoying the freedom from that dreadful bone pain I had prior to the radiation treatments . Pain is the very opposite of all that is good in life . It has the power to impair a brain 's functioning . It drains your energy . It takes over your mind , your body , your thinking , your creativity . Like the pains of childbirth , when it has stopped , the severity of it disappears somewhere into the unconscious mind and a little door is shut on it . It isn 't until there is a repeat experience of it that you remember how awful it is again . At present , I am just having to wait and see what happens next and try enjoy each day as it comes . This doesn 't come easily to me . . . . the born worrier . Will IT come back ? However , each day is a gift of extra life . . . . . . a bonus . All that I know is . . . . . that I feel things more intensely . My family and friends mean more to me than before . The sky , the garden flowers and colours all seem more intense than they did before . My freedom seems more important too and I am making plans to go to the singing group again and take trips to the sea . Everything that isn 't life threatening seems to be quite unimportant to me . I used to worry about the most ridiculous things . I wasted so much time doing this . People , on the whole , seem to be friendly and supportive towards me . However , there are still some who feel terribly awkward when they spot me and would rather run into a shop than to have to say anything . I feel it is better to risk not saying the right thing than to run away . I don 't think there is a right or a wrong thing to say anyway . Just be yourself . I don 't think people find it easy to meet up with anyone who is having a close brush with death . I think its not in our culture . " If I don 't have to talk about this , I don 't have to face up to the problem of cancer . " They feel threatened when they get close to someone with persistent cancer . It makes them feel under threat too . Posted by Photo Copyright : Maggie MayI have now finished my radiation treatment and I am enjoying my first day of freedom from not having to go every day to Oncology . I 've been warned that I might not feel well for up to a month . I must just do what I feel I can but take it easy . That sounds good to me . There is sunshine and warmth and a pretty garden to sit in and many books to read . If only there weren 't so many spiders about . They are everywhere right now and whatever I try to do outside , I seem to brush my face against a web . Isn 't that the most awful experience ? Maybe you like that feeling ? At an open night at the girls ' school , Sam and I took advantage of seeing their work . Amber the oldest granddaughter , showed us a lovely description she had on the wall about her self . We were quite impressed except when we came to the sentence that said , There are two things I don 't like . One is my sister and the other is olives . I spent a good while telling her how mean that sounded and also did she just think of her sister as she would a vegetable . I suppose at least she put her sister before the olive . Millie , my youngest granddaughter , said to me , " One of the boys in our class did a very loud , long fart when we had to be quiet . " Thinking of what kind of reaction that would have caused in my rather stern schooling , I asked what happened next . The teacher just remarked , " That was very impressive , Tommy " I loved that answer . We would have had a very stern dressing down about manners , when I was young . Things are so much better today . We are all trying so hard not to be too excited about a house that my son and granddaughters have put in an offer for . It is very close to where I live and someone has put in an offer for Sam 's house , which is just out of Bristol and it is such a bother to get the children to school and see all their friends , not forgetting visiting Granddad and me . The deal is all in the hands of the Estate Agents and Solicitors now and is subject to contract . With a bit of luck , they will have moved in by December . Fingers crossed it will all work out . Otherwise there will be some very disappointed people about . I am nearing the end of my radiation treatment now and am in pain at the moment with lesions and burns . I know they will go in a few weeks , but at the moment I am moaning like Hell . Photo Copyright : Maggie MayFirst of all I would like to apologise to those people who couldn 't leave a comment on my last post because of a Blogger glitch . I only knew about it because they asked my brother to pass on a message about their difficulty . I hope Blogger is working again now . You might be wondering about the little owl photo on this post . It was brought round by my friend and neighbour this afternoon . At first I thought that it was a little bag or purse with a key ring on it . However , when I opened it up there was a strong nylon bag inside . That is ideal for unexpected shopping journeys . You know how easy it is to pop in for a small item and then go on to buy six . Then you notice you haven 't sufficient room in your bag . I am always doing that . Now I can clip this little owl onto my bag and never have to come home with a plastic bag again . So I am well pleased . I do seem to have some lovely friends , don 't I ? I hear some funny things while waiting in the hospital for my treatment to start . Today I found myself sitting in a corridor with another lady while they prepared the two rooms for our radiotherapy . The lady started telling me she 'd just started having the treatment after a long session of chemo . I remarked that she was extremely lucky to have kept her hair . She replied that it was a wig . I was truly amazed because I can usually tell when some one is wearing a wig and this one even seemed to be mottled with grey . Very natural looking . Anyway , she went on to inform me that while she had been having chemotherapy , another lady had asked her if it was her own hair or a wig and when she answered that it was a wig , the older lady asked if she could borrow it for the weekend while she went to a wedding because it looked so natural . What a cheek . It would be as bad as someone asking to borrow a set of teeth or a false limb . Just a bit too personal . We both had a chuckle about that . It was my oldest granddaughter 's 9th Birthday this week . I can hardly believe that she only came to this country five years ago after livingPosted by Retired , married grandmother of four and two recently acquired step grandchildren . I 'm a cancer survivor . I enjoy reading , writing , leisurely walking and looking at other people 's gardens and pottering in mine . Living at a more leisurely pace these days . |
A couple of months ago I wrote a post detailing my desire to get my writing available online and my reasons for doing so . I haven 't posted for a while , and in the interim there has been a couple of developments involving my writing . I hope that this post won 't come across as too self - indulgent or self - congratulatory , it is just an honest update . The small steps I have taken are pretty inconsequential anyway , but I find noting them down is a record of how I am navigating the sometimes overwhelming ocean of options for publishing material . And if anything I say helps others on their journeys , then that 's all to the good . After posting my novella ' Momentum ' on Amazon I received an extraordinarily kind email from the organiser of my old book club in Melbourne . Without my knowledge , he had talked with the rest of the group and decided to make my novella one of the two choices to talk about for their December meeting . This meant a great deal for me and I am super grateful for their support , but it still filled me with some trepidation . The thought of fifteen friends sitting around dissecting my work was a scary one , even though I would be asleep on the other side of the world whilst they were having their meeting . I 'm happy to report that most of the feedback I received was positive , although of course the opinions of friends have to be taken with a pinch of salt as they tend to err on the side of praise to avoid upset . Best of all was that a couple of members purchased the novella from Amazon rather than go through this blog , which means for the first time in my life I have made financial gain from my writing . The royalty payments for an Amazon sale are frankly a pittance , but I still feel proud . As the title of this post suggests , it 's a tiny step but worth commemorating , I think . More exciting was the fallout from a novella competition I entered on the website Booksie , which is basically a portal to upload and critique work . It was a lucky accident that ' Momentum ' fulfilled the criteria for the competition , which was run by a small American publishing company . I didn 't win , but shortly after the competition closed I was contacted by someone from the publisher saying how much they enjoyed my work and inviting me to contribute a short story for the next volume of their literary journal , due out in 2017 . I sent them my story ' In The Doghouse ' , and I 'm very pleased to say that it has been accepted for the volume . So I will see a piece of my writing in print for the very first time in the next year . Which I am very excited about . I 'm receiving no payment for it but the exposure will be invaluable and now no - one can ever take the achievement away from me . I have really taken more of a commitment to writing this year and to see it pay off , even in only this small way , is really rewarding . I guess it 's like any other job - work hard and take it seriously and it really can happen . So , a nice finish to the writing year for me . I 've been more prolific this year than in probably a decade or more , and I think this is down to pushing through when creative thoughts are hard to come by , rather than admitting defeat . It makes an enormous difference . His eyes snapped open and he clenched his hands into fists . The ritual had begun . He turned over in bed . Sharon was fast asleep . Again , part of the ritual . She was impervious to the sounds , and this riled him further . He had to deal with it , and she would only get cross with him if he complained . It was their baby , after all . He got out of bed and put on a pair of slippers . He added a dressing gown , careful not to make a sound . Satisfied , he made for the door . He opened it to find Rusty lying spread across the doorway , head lying on his paws , looking up at Hogan with infuriating , pleading eyes . Orange light from a lamppost spilled through the landing window and tinged Rusty 's pupils blood red . Like the devil 's eyes , Hogan thought . An all - seeing , all - knowing devil . The challenge was how to get him downstairs without setting off a fusillade of barking that would wake the entire street . Luckily , their house was at the end of the block and the neighbouring property was currently vacant , so any noise wouldn 't be too intrusive . Even so . This was the next stage of the game , and both knew their roles with precision . Hogan nudged at Rusty 's belly with a toe . The dog whimpered and rolled onto its back . Hogan drew a sharp breath . Don 't you bark , miserable mutt . He tried again , a little more forcefully this time , and Rusty got to his feet and scuttled down the hallway , tail wagging furiously . Hogan followed , prepared to exert more force to get Rusty downstairs , but this time the dog required no further prompting and was curled up in his bed by the time Hogan reached the living room . As he always did , Hogan shook his head at the sight of the bed . The Queen could sleep in it and have no complaints . A ' Premium Dog Lounger ' , it was called . Sharon had fallen in love with it after scouring the Internet for hours , dismissing one bed after another for the tiniest flaw . Then , just as he was about to lose his temper , she clapped her hands and pointed at the screen . ' Oh , it 's perfect , ' she had said . He peered over her head . ' At that price ? Fuck , I 'm surprised it isn 't gold - plated . ' She had smiled , and he wanted to please her , just to keep that smile going , one that he had seen so rarely in the last few months . So he said yes . She kissed him then , and one thing led to another , and everything was good . And at the start , he had enjoyed having Rusty . The long walks in the park broke up the day , and as a puppy , he was well - behaved and easy to house - train . But as the months went by , and Sharon 's grief and hurt grew , she projected all her love and affection onto the dog . Spoiling him . Buying him ridiculous presents , including designer clothes . Designer clothes for an animal . It started with a hideous waterproof jacket in black and yellow halves , which she said made Rusty look ' smart ' . She would walk him in it , showing off to all and sundry . Hogan refused to do the same , telling her it was embarrassing . But the gifts kept on coming . A dog collar with a tartan print , and matching bandanna . A zebra print lead . Last Christmas a pair of plastic reindeer ears turned up in the post . Hogan had spent Christmas Day with a dog dressed up like Rudolph . It would be funny if it wasn 't so sad . Yet , he could understand why she was doing it . Some days he would be hit with a depression so strong he could barely get out of bed . He would lie awake , tears rolling down his face , mourning the loss of their unborn child . They had been trying for a baby ever since marriage , and after nearly a year , Sharon had fallen pregnant . The early stages of the pregnancy had gone without a hitch , and they had been talking of the future , names and schools and all the rest . Then one night , she had awoken with a cramping pain in her stomach . Over the next few hours , she thrashed about in the sheets , gripping Hogan 's hand so hard her nails left crescent - shaped marks in his palms . Eventually , they both fell into a restless sleep . He woke up to a scene he would never forget . Sharon was gone . He sat up and heard crying , retching sounds coming from the bathroom . Sharon was sitting on the toilet bowl , sobbing . Her nightgown was stained red . He went to her and she buried her head to his chest , screaming . He managed to lift her to a standing position , the horror of what had happened starting to take hold . He lifted the toilet bowl and there were smudges of blood on the porcelain , the water a red syrupy colour . Their baby , gone . He saw finger smudges on the toilet handle and realised she had flushed the remains down the toilet . Remains . Their baby , reduced to a few marks of blood . Gorge rose in his throat and he swallowed it down . Sharon continued to cry . And as she cried , a small , unexpected well of resentment flowered in his chest . That she had flushed their child away like a common turd . He went to her , knowing that it wasn 't her fault , that she was going through hell . They cleaned up and phoned the hospital . Cried a flood of tears . But for Hogan , that resentment was always there , a little ember that glowed with every passing breath . Sharon was off to work early the next morning , after fussing over Rusty during breakfast . Hogan hated how the dog had encroached onto their meal times . This was especially prevalent at dinner , as Sharon insisted on feeding him morsels of food from her plate , carving off a slice of chicken and tossing it to the floor . It was like a medieval banquet , the decorum she showed . His protests , and there were many , fell on deaf ears . Whilst Sharon was off to cut hair and exchange gossip , Hogan made a cup of coffee and took it through to his office . He worked from home as a freelance writer for financial publications . The pay was surprisingly lucrative and he enjoyed the solitude . Until now , that was . Despite Rusty 's arrival in the household being Sharon 's idea , somehow the roles had been reversed and he spent more time looking after him than she did . Still , it was good that she was back at work . He hoped she would start to come to terms with the loss of the baby and they could get back some of the happiness that had been lost . Thankfully , the dog was asleep on his bed , and Hogan fell into his work . He wrote for an hour , then went for more coffee . As the kettle boiled , a tick tack of paws sounded on the lino , and there he was , barking and fizzing in and out of Hogan 's legs . Hogan sighed . It was time for the morning walk . It had been raining overnight and the park was likely to be muddy , so Hogan changed into wellington boots and reached for his parka , which hung on a hook by the back door . He felt the inside pocket for the familiar shape of his cigarettes . He had only been smoking again for three months , after a two year abstention . Ever since the baby , in fact . Sharon knew nothing , and he was happy to keep it that way . She would only be in his ear about it , but well , some battles you lose , others you win . He never smoked in the house , but had come to relish his morning cigarette . There had to be one pleasure from having a dog . He picked the least garish lead and hooked it to Rusty 's collar , and they were on their way . The cloud was low and ominous . The park lay beyond the row of houses in their block , and as Hogan passed the neighbours , he saw a figure in the upstairs window , polishing . A pile of boxes were stacked against the glass . So , new neighbours . As he made to leave the figure caught his eye . He waved at the man , but received no response . As they neared the park Rusty grew excited and pulled hard on the leash . Hogan unhooked him and Rusty bounded away across the field , barking with great gusto . He ran past the football pitch and stopped to sniff at a row of bushes before returning to Hogan , who retrieved a ball from his pocket and threw it in a long arc down the field . Rusty set off after it , and Hogan reached for his cigarettes . As he shook one out of the packet he saw Rusty charging towards another dog , barking loudly . There was a blur of white and brown fur as the pair sized each other up . In the distance , a woman was striding towards them . Hogan did the same . The dogs were sniffing each other as he approached . Rusty towered over his companion and gave the dog a playful nip on the backside . This set off a crescendo of barks . By now the woman had reached the pair and had separated her dog , putting him back on the leash . Hogan jogged the last few paces to meet them . She ran a hand through her hair , nodded . ' Moved only yesterday , as it happens . We live in the block over there . Saw the park and knew it would be perfect for Kevin . ' He followed the direction of her finger . ' Ah , so we must be neighbours , then . I live in the house on the corner . Welcome to the neighbourhood . ' She smiled . ' Thank you . It 's convenient for my husband 's job . Close to the airport , he said . You won 't see much of him . He 's away on business a lot . The high flying world of corporate law . ' She recited the words in a monotone drawl , like a prepared script . The man in the window , Hogan thought . He nodded . ' Right . I 'm the opposite , as it happens . I work from home . Freelance , you know . ' Kevin got to his feet and looked up at Jess with pleading eyes . ' Oh ok , ' she said . ' Well I 'm the dutiful housewife , so I 'm at home most of the time too . Anyway , I think this one has probably had enough for one morning . I 'd better be getting back . ' ' I 'm sure that 's a good idea , ' Jess said , tightening her grip on Kevin 's leash . ' It was nice to meet you , Mike . ' She moved past him . He caught a whiff of perfume . Hogan realised he was still holding the cigarette , and now lit it . He let Rusty off the leash and continued to smoke . He worked solidly through the afternoon , stopping at four to take Rusty for his afternoon walk . He thought Jess and Kevin might be out there again , but they weren 't . He got home just as Sharon walked through the door , carrying a couple of shopping bags . ' A dogbrella , they call it . You hold it like this , then he won 't get wet when going for a walk . Isn 't it great ? ' He placed his hands on the table . ' In this case , yes . This sort of stuff is a complete waste of money . I 'll look like an utter fool , carting that thing around with me . ' His anger rose a few notches . ' Well I 'm the one who has to walk the bloody thing every day . All you do is spoil him with pointless gifts that we can 't afford and he doesn 't even need ! I 'm getting sick of it , quite frankly . ' ' Sharon , he 's a dog . You treat him like a child . In case you 've forgotten , he isn 't one . ' Her voice lowered to a whisper . ' You bastard . Of all the hurtful things you could say . ' He closed his eyes . ' Look , I 'm sorry , alright ? But , and I hate to say it , you can 't get over what happened by doing this . ' He shrugged his shoulders . ' You know what , Sharon ? I really don 't know . You won 't talk to me about any of it , so I 've had to draw my own conclusions . I know you 're grieving . I am too . But this isn 't the way , and it won 't help . ' She started to cry . He made to go to her , but the venom in her eyes stopped him short . ' I 'll never forgive you for saying that . Never . Make your own dinner . ' She stormed out of the room , slamming the door behind her . Hogan kicked the umbrella across the kitchen . Nicely done , Mike . All the subtlety of a sledgehammer . But deep down , he knew he was right . He turned and saw Rusty 's eyes on him , and his hatred for the dog ratcheted up even further . ' What are you fucking staring at ? ' he shouted , and went back to his office . Sharon didn 't come out for the rest of the evening . He ate a meal of microwaved leftovers , then tried to talk to her . He knocked on the bedroom door and was met with silence . He twisted the handle . Locked . He stood there for a long time , apologising over and over , but in the end gave up . It was the spare room for tonight . Maybe for every night . Things were falling apart . Rusty was gone when he reached the kitchen . No doubt tucked up in bed , enjoying a better night 's sleep then he was going to get . Just as well . He couldn 't face looking at him again tonight . The air was cool as he stepped out onto the porch and lit up . The smoke curled up towards the upstairs window but the curtains were drawn . He stepped further into the garden , turned and looked up at the bedroom . No signs of life . As he did so his eyes lingered on the adjacent window . The curtains were drawn here too , but the light was on and two silhouettes could be seen behind them . He recognised the outlines of Jess and her husband . He was pointing a finger at her . Hogan thought he could hear raised voices . The figure of her husband moved towards her and there was a mingling of their shadows . Then both disappeared from view . For the next few days Hogan saw little of Sharon . They were in a battle of prolonged silences and resentment , and fighting for the right to sleep in the bedroom . Some evenings she would lock the door , others stay out late and take the spare room when she returned . Leaving him to wake in a large empty bed , starting the day with a hollow in his heart . Their conversations were nothing more than perfunctory , the barest of glances as they passed on the stairs or in the hallway . In many ways , he wished she would shout at him again . At least show she cared . This perpetual silent treatment was far more suffocating . In the end Hogan set up camp in the office and ate , slept and worked there . His only breaks were to feed or walk Rusty . Thankfully there had been no more presents since his outburst over the umbrella . Every time he saw it some of the old rage came flooding back . Without the dog , they had a chance . His presence was ruining everything . On their walks , he wondered about Jess . What the deal was with her husband . A guy who for all intents and purposes was never there . He thought she must be lonely , and realised that he knew how that felt . Since Rusty had arrived , loneliness had seeped into his being and was spreading . Then , one morning , he did see her . Sharon had left without walking Rusty , so he had his breakfast and then faced the inevitable . The clouds above were almost black but he thought they could make it before the heavens opened . He took an umbrella with him - the human kind . Dogs ? Well , they could make do . Rusty was in an energetic mood and tired out quickly . Hogan smoked his cigarette and as he extinguished the butt a drop of rain fell on the back of his hand . He tethered Rusty to the leash as the rain grew in strength , and as he looked up Jess and Kevin were coming towards him . She was wearing jeans and wellington boots . Kevin was free of clothing . The rain was coming down harder now , and Hogan struggled to erect his umbrella whilst keeping hold of Rusty . Once he did so , Jess and Kevin were upon them . She put up the hood of her jacket for protection . She hesitated , then joined him under the canopy . The dogs remained out in the storm . She shook off the hood and rubbed her hair . Hogan noticed a dark area of skin on the left side of her face , just above the jawline . It was disguised with make - up , but was definitely a bruise . A bad one . They set off across the field . Halfway home a gust of wind blew the umbrella inside out , and for a minute they were buffeted by the rain . As they reached the corner of the estate , the rain began to ease . Hogan looked at her . Inside , Rusty took the opportunity to shake himself dry , sending a spray of water across the kitchen , Hogan taking the brunt of it . This set Jess off laughing , and Hogan joined in . He couldn 't remember the last time he had really laughed . It had been a long while . Once the kettle was on he went to change and to find Jess a towel . On his return he found she had put the dogs outside , who were now bounding around the garden like old friends . He passed her the towel . ' Here , get yourself dry . I 'll make the coffee . ' She wiped her face and hair with the towel as he spooned coffee into mugs . With her skin now dry , he could see the bruise with much greater clarity . He thought of the argument he had seen in the upstairs window . But that was two and two making five . It was probably perfectly innocent . She blew on her coffee , put it to her lips . ' I wouldn 't know . He 's hardly been here . And now he 's gone again . Your guess is as good as mine . ' Again , that staccato delivery . ' Yeah , I haven 't seen my wife much lately either . Having a few problems at the moment . ' He had no idea why he had said that , and regretted it . She eyed him over the top of her mug . ' Yeah , well . That 's married life for you . It hasn 't planned out the way I thought it would . ' ' I 'm sorry to hear that . Well , if you ever need a chat , feel free to drop round . My wife could probably give you better advice , but um , she 's not in a hospitable mood right now . ' ' Hey , he said , ' it can 't be that bad , ' and that set her off into racking sobs . He crouched beside her chair , bewildered . She raised her face and threw her arms round his neck . He patted her back as tears fell onto his sodden shirt . They stayed that way for a long time . She kept her arms round his neck and now he could feel her breasts pushing against his chest . He adjusted his body and her arms came free . He got up and found a box of tissues . She took a few and wiped her nose and mouth . ' You know , if you hated my coffee that much all you had to do was say so . ' ' I know you did . Thank you . ' She hugged him again , then drew back and looked at him , their faces inches apart . She placed her hands on the side of his face and kissed him . Hogan was too startled to speak . She walked to the door and opened it . Kevin came dutifully to her . She waved once , and was gone . Hogan ran a hand over his lips . When he took them away , they were shaking . He sat at the table for a long time . He could feel the imprint of her kiss on his lips . He was mostly shocked by it , but a small part of him was thrilled . I have to talk to Sharon , he thought . No more games . We need to sort this out before it all falls to pieces . It was dark when Sharon returned home . The kitchen was clean and Rusty had settled down for the night . He was nursing a small whisky when her key scratched in the lock . He knew she would run to the bedroom , so followed her up the stairs . He managed to get a foot in the door before she had a chance to close it . She pushed vainly , but his strength was greater . The door opened wide . She was sitting on the bed , looking down at her hands . He closed his eyes . ' Look , we can try again . For another baby , I mean . There 's no reason we can 't have a healthy child . ' ' Easy for you to say . You don 't have a clue what I went through . I think about it every single day . Dream about it , about him . And when I look at you , it makes it worse . Seeing that anger etched on your face , like it 's my fault . It 's like a dagger to my heart . ' He felt his own tears coming now . ' Sharon , please . I 'm so sorry . All I want to do is support you . Look after you . I 've never blamed you . Never . ' She stood up . ' Then why do I not believe you ? And seeing the way you treat Rusty , I wonder how good a father you would have made . ' ' Rusty 's a dog ! Not a child . It 's not the same thing . And I 'm the one who walks and feeds him every day . I think I 'm doing a pretty good job . ' She walked to the closet and began rummaging through her clothes . ' Well , you 're going to get some more practise . I think it 's best if I move out for a while . ' Her face softened slightly . ' Look , I need some time to myself . To think about everything . I 'm not sure if we can get past this . I 'll be back to see Rusty . Check that you are looking after him properly . ' She threw a suitcase onto the bed and started throwing clothes into it . ' I 've made up my mind . You think this is easy for me , it isn 't . Leaving Rusty behind breaks my heart . ' He made to say something , but she raised a hand . ' I know I 'm asking a lot , but can you leave me in peace ? Right now , I just want to be out of here . ' She pulled away and called for Rusty . ' Oh darling , ' she said , ruffling his ears . ' Mummy 's going away for a little while . But I love you very much , and I 'll see you soon , OK ? ' ' Bye , Mike , ' she said , and before he could reply , she was gone . The hole inside him had grown , and he knew of only one way to fill it . He demolished the rest of the whisky bottle and passed out on the office couch , tears drying on his face . Rusty didn 't help . He was pining for Sharon and being difficult . Hogan confined their walks to no further than the end of the road and back . He corresponded with clients via email , ignored his phone and retreated from public view . The only person he spoke to was Sharon . It was a Friday when she turned up at last . Hogan was in the kitchen , clock - watching . He found he did that a lot in the evenings , listening out for her arrival . He missed her , that much he knew . And Rusty definitely did . ' Hi , ' she said . Rusty shot out of the living room at a rate of knots , covering her face with licks and slobber . Hogan took a breath and followed . ' Hi , ' he replied . She had done something to her hair , made it darker . It reminded him of Jess . ' Someone 's pleased to see you . ' Hogan gritted his teeth . ' So , ' he said as she extracted herself from Rusty and walked behind him to the kitchen , ' how have you been ? Where have you been staying ? ' He watched her remove her coat . She didn 't sit in her usual chair , instead taking the one nearest the door . Rusty came in and lay at her feet . She stroked Rusty . ' Well , this one looks as good as new . Maybe there is hope for you after all . ' She smiled , some kindness behind her eyes . ' Yeah , yeah . I get the message . ' They were both smiling now , and Hogan realised how much he missed this . The gentle banter , the affection . ' Listen , ' she was saying . ' Can I ask a favour ? I 've taken a few days off and booked a cottage in the country . Got a great deal on Airbnb . Very dog - friendly . Would you mind if I take Rusty with me ? I need some peace and quiet to think , and would love his company . Do you mind ? ' She drank a quick cup of coffee and gathered up Rusty 's things . She insisted on taking his bed and toys , and her car boot was full by the time they had finished . She slammed the boot shut and opened the passenger door for Rusty . He bounded in , circled a couple of times , then curled up in the footwell . She put a hand up to stop him . ' Not now , Mike . Please . Give us this time away , and when I get back , we 'll talk again . Sit down and figure something out . ' Hogan couldn 't remember the last time he had had a weekend to himself . Probably in the bachelor days , and as the weekend progressed he reverted to those old habits - getting up late , eating a vast array of junk food , drinking too much and generally not caring about any of it . He missed Sharon terribly , but the absence of Rusty did not make the heart grow fonder . It wasn 't the dog 's fault , but Hogan saw in this time off how much of a hold Rusty had over their lives , particularly Sharon 's . He knew that she would never agree with him on this , but he hoped that on her trip she would realise that her attitude towards Rusty was unreasonable , and having a detrimental effect on their relationship . The balance had shifted too far one way . Surely she had to see that ? Sunday brought with it torrential rain with didn 't let up all day . Hogan worked for a while , then spent a long couple of hours sitting in the kitchen , drinking whisky and thinking long thoughts . The weather had brought on a feeling of restlessness , and he needed to snap out of it . He carried his glass through to the lounge and switched the TV on . The rain continued to come down and he was glad to be ensconced inside . He found some football on one of the sports channels and settled down to watch . The whisky bottle was half empty when there was a knock at the door . It was late , and Hogan was tempted to ignore it . The knocking continued with greater urgency . Sighing , he got up to answer it . Jess stood before him and she looked an awful sight . She was soaking wet , mascara running down her cheeks . Her face was a mess , with an ugly bruise on her temple and swelling around her top lip . Her eyes were red and bloodshot . She was wearing only a thin summer dress with a cardigan over the top . Goosebumps were visible on her arms . She followed him without saying a word . He pointed her towards the bathroom while he found a fresh towel in the airing cupboard . He thought she would need clean clothes , so found an old blouse and pair of jeans of Sharon 's . Probably a bit too small , but would do the job . He added them to the towel and entered the bathroom . Jess was sitting on the toilet , head in her hands . He made them both a whisky as the shower started to run . He thought of her bruise . The vision of them arguing in the upstairs window . It was pretty obvious how she had been injured . The realisation made Hogan 's stomach crawl . The shower finally subsided as he stepped to the back door to smoke an impromptu cigarette . It was still raining so he stood inside and blew the smoke out . As he neared the butt , there was a sound behind him . Jess stood , eyes lowered to the floor , clutching a hessian bag to her chest . He dropped the cigarette to the patio and ground it out . He led her through . He took his usual seat and switched the TV off . She took the couch , sitting with knees pressed together and whisky glass clenched in both hands . She looked a little better after the shower . Her face was scrubbed free of make up and colour was returning to her cheeks . She wouldn 't look him in the eye , though . He could see that she was still scared out of her wits . ' Jess , what happened ? ' he asked . Silence . ' OK , OK , I understand if you don 't want to tell me . Although I think you might need to go to the hospital , that lip could need stitches . I can run you down there , no problem . ' This time she did raise her head . ' I said no hospital . ' She drained her glass . ' Another one of these wouldn 't go amiss , though . ' He made to say something but thought better off it . When he returned she snatched the glass and drank half of it in one swallow . After , the silence resumed . ' Why ? Maybe I didn 't cook his steak the way he likes it . He 's very particular about his food . ' Her eyes filled with tears . ' Or I could have left a towel on the floor in the bathroom . There could be any number of reasons . ' Hogan grinded his teeth . The fucking coward . ' Although tonight was worse than usual . I can tell when he 's going to kick off , you know . His nostrils get all puffy , like a bull 's . And the eyes . I dream about those eyes sometimes . The pupils get so wide it almost looks like they are black . ' ' So anyway , I was in the kitchen when he came up behind me and put his hand on my neck . I was so scared I peed myself a little bit . I tried to turn around but he slammed my head forward . I caught my mouth on the side of a cupboard , hence this . ' She pointed to her lip . ' He picked me up and hit me a couple of times . Usually he goes for a less obvious area . The belly , most often . I must have passed out for a bit . When I came to , he was standing over me , showering me with abuse . Then he went upstairs . When I could stand I staggered to the door and basically fell out into the rain . A few minutes later he came down , stepped over me and drove off . I lay there for a while , thankful it was over . For now at least . And now I 'm here . ' She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes . ' You need to know any more , or is that enough ? ' ' Oh , most of the time he 's the perfect husband . He 'll turn up in a day or two , all apologetic , and for a while he 'll treat me like a queen . ' She shrugged . She held out the glass for more whisky . ' Right now , this is all I want . ' She looked at him full on , now . ' But thank you , Mike . Really . Just telling you this , has been a big help . I won 't forget it . ' They sat drinking for a long time , both in their own silences . Hogan tried to get her to go the police but she was adamant . As the night wore on , she was becoming drunk . They both were . When the bottle finally ran out , she rose on unsteady legs . ' Better get home , ' she mumbled . She frowned , then took a step forward and stumbled towards him . ' Maybe that 's a good idea . ' She fell into him . He bent down and picked her up . She was lighter than air . As he carried her she smiled up at him , the bruise big and angry and red . I 'll get you , cunt . He thought . If the police won 't , I will . ' So I 've been told , ' he replied . ' Now , if you need anything , I 'm next door . Any time of the night , you just knock , you hear ? ' ' Goodnight , ' he said . At the door , he turned to look . From behind , in his drunkenness , she was the split of Sharon . He closed his eyes and shut the door behind him . He fell into a restless and agitated sleep . There were dreams , fleeting images that passed through his brain in a flash and were gone . He woke cocooned in the sheets , head facing the wall . His tongue was dry and the beginnings of a headache were gnawing at the base of his skull . The light in the room was grey and murky , suggesting that dawn was not far away . Hogan closed his eyes , willing himself back to sleep . There was a shuffling sound behind him . He rolled over . Jess was standing at the foot of the bed , wearing the blouse and jeans . ' Jess , you startled me . Is everything all right ? ' He groped for the bedside lamp . ' Please don 't turn on the light , ' she said . Her voice carried no inflection at all . ' I couldn 't sleep . Turning things over and over in my head . ' He sat up . Her bruises were starkly visible , even at this light . ' There are some sleeping pills in the bathroom . I 'll get you one . ' She shook her head . ' No . That 's not what I want . ' With her eyes on him , she began unbuttoning her jeans . She rolled them down her legs , then kicked them away . She was naked underneath . What took Hogan 's breath away was the state of her legs . There were bruises everywhere , spreading from feet to upper thigh . His eyes followed the trail upward , unable to comprehend the devastation that had been caused . A dark triangle of hair protruded beneath the tails of her shirt . He blinked back tears and swallowed . ' God , Jess . I 'm so sorry . I - ' He didn 't know what to say to that . He looked at her legs again . What she must have gone through . By now she was close enough to touch . ' No - one needs to know . And I just want to sleep , nothing else . I promise . ' Before he could reply she pulled back the duvet and climbed in . He shifted over to accommodate her , keeping her back to him . She snuggled into his back and threw an arm over him . ' There . This is OK , isn 't it . ' He could feel her breasts pushing into his back . Wearing Sharon 's shirt , in his bed . But not Sharon . ' Yes , it 's OK . Now go to sleep . ' Hogan must have nodded off , for when his eyes came open he was flat on his back . Jess had a leg curled over his . It was almost light now , and he could make out the injuries that marked her flesh . Fucking barbaric , was what it was . No matter what , he would try to get her away from Andrew . She deserved at least that . He shifted a little and she murmured . Despite all his good intentions , he began to grow hard . It had been so long since he had been this close to Sharon . To anyone . He had forgotten how much he missed it . Suddenly Jess 's eyes snapped open . She looked down at him . Without a word , she swung her other leg over until she straddled him . He made to speak but she put a finger to his lips . She unbuttoned the blouse slowly , then tossed it to the floor . There was a criss cross of scars all over her chest , some tough white scar tissue , others fresher wounds , still raw and shocking . She reached under his shorts and took him in hand . Before a thought could enter his head , he was inside her . She shuddered and sat back . He went to pump his hips but she clenched and he was forced to stop . She went slow to start with , still never making a sound , then speeded up . She gritted her teeth when she came , and he followed soon after . Then she collapsed against his chest , and was asleep before he could catch his breath . When he awoke for the final time the room was flooded in daylight . Jess stood by the side of the bed , pulling on her jeans , standing in an oblong of white that shone through the curtains . He raised onto an elbow and cleared his throat . Jess looked over her shoulder at him . Her hair glowed a warm brown . He thought of her scars again and his throat went tight . A woman who was almost broken , the last fluttering sparks of hope nearly extinguished . ' I 'm going away , ' she said dreamily . ' Somewhere he won 't be able to get to me . Let this be the last memory we have of one another . ' She was oblivious to his voice . ' You know , I slept better than I have in months , with you . I liked it . I could get used to it . An endless sleep . Never having to think ever again . ' He swung his legs out of bed . ' Oh , don 't get up , ' she said . ' I 'm going to go and say goodbye to Kevin . Can 't leave without that . ' ' Where are you going to go ? ' His voice was shaky , fear creeping into it . ' Just away . You 'll remember me , won 't you ? ' He was about to reply when a car door slammed outside . He went to the window and pushed the curtain aside . His heart dropped to the base of his stomach . He turned to find the room empty . He threw on some jeans and tore downstairs to find Jess at the back door , completely oblivious to what was going on . Behind him , he heard the car boot slam . Jess opened the door and drifted to the back gate . There , she turned and waved . The sunlight shone through her . He gazed after her , then heard the key turn in the lock . He suddenly spied the hessian bag in the corner of the kitchen , and just had time to hide it under the sofa in his office before Rusty sped past , barking and wagging his tail twenty to the dozen . He stuck his head round the door as Sharon made her way inside , suitcase trailing behind her . Her cheeks were red , and she looked refreshed . She smiled at him . ' Very good , thanks . I think we both enjoyed it . ' On cue , Rusty poked his head round the kitchen door , then disappeared again . ' I think he 's hungry , ' Sharon said . They walked though and she filled his bowl with biscuits . Rusty ate a few and set off again , out the kitchen and down the hall . Just sleeping with the neighbour , he thought . Nothing much . Although his mind was replaying Jess 's last words over and over . There was something wrong . Her tone , the defeat etched on her face . Like she was ready to give up . ' It 's good to be back , ' she said . ' I 've done a lot of thinking while I was away . It was why I came back early , I wanted to see you . To start putting things right . I - ' Sharon shot off down the hall . Rusty was thrashing wildly now , and bucked in Hogan 's arms as he lifted him , scratching and drawing blood . They ran out and into the car . Sharon gunned the engine and they were away . ' Do something , Mike , ' she wailed . ' The Heimlich manoeuvre . Anything . ' Hogan looked down at Rusty , who lay flat in the footwell . He reached down and prised the dog 's jaws apart . He couldn 't see anything . He took Rusty onto his lap and placed two fingers on the base of his throat . He felt something there and pushed his fingers forward . There was little movement but a bit of pressure was released . The car screeched to a halt . They had made a ten minute journey in three minutes . Sharon was in the vet 's before he could get the passenger door open . Rusty was in a bad way now , the life was drifting out of him . ' Bring him through , ' Sharon shouted . They went through a crowded waiting room and placed Rusty on a high table . The vet was ready , pulling on plastic gloves . ' So , who is this ? ' the vet said . ' Rusty . Please help him . ' Sharon burst into tears and put her face on Hogan 's shoulder . He watched as the vet administered a sedative to Rusty , working quickly . ' Now , ' the vet said , ' this will help me find out the problem . ' He repeated Hogan 's finger trick , pushing forward beneath Rusty 's jaw . ' Yes , here we are . ' The vet moved his fingers , then opened Rusty 's mouth and searched inside . He caught on something , and extracted his hand , holding a blue piece of cloth , sodden with bile and saliva . Rusty coughed , once , then once again . Sharon clapped her hands . Even Hogan felt a sense of relief . ' Oh thank you , Doctor . Thank you . ' Sharon rushed to Rusty , who was breathing slowly . ' Please , ' the vet said , removing his glasses and wiping them . ' Give Rusty some time to rest . I will need to examine his mouth again . Just to check for abrasions and so on . ' The vet held up the offending item with a gloved hand , and shook it open . ' Ha ha , ' he said , his face reddening . ' It looks like a pair of ladies underwear . Well , dog 's will eat anything ! ' Sharon frowned as she studied the garment further . Then she turned to him , eyes hot pools of anger . ' Well , they certainly aren 't mine , ' she said . The hessian bag . Her clothes from last night . Hogan closed his eyes . He thought of Jess , backlit by the sun as she had left that morning , and he ran her words over in his mind again . Then the realisation hit , and he almost sank to the floor . No , she was never coming back . Her life was over . And now , he thought , so is mine . He opened his eyes as Sharon shouted his name , and saw Rusty looking at him . He could swear that the dog was smiling . One of the mediums of writing that seems to be going through a decline at the moment is the short story . I rarely read them these days , mostly due to their scarce nature . I 'm sure in days gone by the library would be full of short story collections by emerging authors , and reading them was an excellent way to discover new talent . Of course some of the old masters know a thing or two about writing a good short story - Stephen King is a passionate advocate of the shorter form and publishes a collection every few years , and going further back in time , I got into both Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler through their short stories . It 's rare to find a stand - alone collection from one author around anymore . Most short stories end up in anthologies , particularly in the crime and horror genre . I have read some superb anthologies over the years which are great places to delve into material from authors old and new , but my feeling is that writers of the modern era don 't have the volume of short stories available to release collections of their own . The reasons behind this are probably numerous . I tend to believe that after writing a full - length novel an author tends to produce something shorter in the interim . Perhaps these musings are little more than practise , to keep the writing eye and brain ticking over before returning to something more substantial . There could well be some snobbery towards the shorter form from some . But I think the main reason could well be that simply , short stories require an awful amount of craft and discipline to create . I 've had a few ideas scribbled in a notebook for a while that are waiting to be developed . There is no plan for these , no idea of length and so on , I just make a note to jot down any semblance of an idea that comes into my head . At the library the other day I stumbled across a short story collection that looked interesting . It was called Ten Stories About Smoking by Stuart Evers . Much like I used to with cigarettes when I smoked , I devoured the book in an evening and it lit a fire within me . The stories in it are so polished and amazingly confident for a debut collection . The overarching themes of loneliness and solitude linked together by a humble cigarette is a clever idea and Evers pulls it off in some style . It reminded me of how the short story can breath life into an otherwise mediocre day , how so many intoxicating ideas can be swept up into a few pages and give the reader a shot of pleasure in the time it takes to smoke the aforementioned cigarette . So I had a look back in my notebook and one of the ideas started to take on more shape , and I 'm now in the process of writing my first short story in many a year . And in my writings I 've gained utmost respect for the medium - it is so difficult to write in concise , clear language where every word counts . I 've always had a tendency to over explain things when I write , and I think many writers do . It 's probably fear that drives this , fear that an extra sentence is needed to explain what you mean otherwise the point is lost . In a short story there is no room for waffle . Everything has to be cut back to the bone . It requires an almost pathological discipline , particularly to discard ultimately unnecessary writing no matter its quality . The best short stories are surely those that get up to speed quickly and never let up their pace . So , maybe this difficulty puts a lot of writers off . I 'm glad to be tackling the format again , it 's a challenge I 'm enjoying . To write with a view to brevity and clarity can only help me improve . |
When he saw me waiting for him in the classroom after their lunch - recess , he ran to hug me before joining his class . My son 's teacher let him be the first to share at show - and - tell . She asked him how much room he needed for his dancing , and his classmates moved back at his direction . He stood nervously in front of the chalk board as the teacher reminded the students , " Are we going to laugh when he dances ? What will happen if you laugh or make fun ? What will we do when he 's finished ? Yes , we will clap for him because he is being a brave risk - taker today . " She had cued up the right disc and asked if he was ready . He nodded . The low bass beat of " boh , boh , boh . . . boh BOH . . . " of " Bad " by Michael Jackson filled the kindergarten classroom . His best friend turned and looked at me , a smile on her face that said , " Can you believe this ? ! " The sensitive blond kid sat in the front row giving him thumbs - up , which continued off and on through the whole performance . He admitted to me later that he was nervous and the next morning , he told me that he couldn 't stop thinking about how that was his worst dance ever . I reminded him that the important thing was that he didn 't quit , that he did it even though he was nervous . Everyone clapped . His best friend seemed proud . As I told the story of our son 's first performance last night to my husband , he teared up , and he said , " What an amazing teacher . " She set the supportive tone . We are so thankful . Last night , from about 5 : 00 until bedtime three hours later , my daughter copied sentences from wikipedia about penguins . She was not being punished . They are studying Antarctica in her class , and she wants to learn . We are now on book two ( in the correct order , not the ' chronological ' one ) of the Narnia series now , and she cried when I told her she couldn 't keep writing sentences as I read . What it means to parent my daughter : losing a battle of wills means that she gets to continue writing facts about penguins as she listens to a story . She copies down all the scientific names and wants me to read them and is frustrated with me because I can 't pronounce them correctly . When we got home from school , she had a letter from my mother waiting for her . She read it out loud , needing help with the words " imagination , " " concerned , " and " decide . " With her eyes lit up , she held it in front of her and said , " This makes me want to read it over and over to increase my fluency ! " She has been learning English for seventeen months . She later talked about how she wants to keep it forever , that it 's something to " treasure . " Tomorrow , her reading group is supposed to bring to school something that they treasure , and she 's going to bring a necklace one of our neighbors made for her out of stones from Ethiopia that she 'd gotten last year while there with a team of local doctors doing pelvic floor surgeries . She has never worn the necklace ; it stays in its box , and I 'm nervous about her taking it to school tomorrow . This afternoon after we got home , another neighbor was out , and I ended up talking to her for a while about books , my young kids , her grown ones , and how fast time goes by as we age . She 's one of my favorite neighbors ( among a splendid bunch ) , one that I don 't always talk much to but always connect with when we do chat . She 's invited me to be a part of the book group she 's been in for the last twenty years . Their next selection is one I already had , so I was taking it across the street to loan to her . One of her daughters is getting married in a few months , and she talked about how much she misses the days when her kids were at home in her orbit . She liked the feeling that she could gather them close should they need her for anything . She seems in a state of disbelief that her daughter is old enough to be getting married . The conversation was a good reminder to me . My kids are in my immediate orbit right now , and though it 's the tiring years , these are the years I 'm going to look back on with wonder that they ever happened at all . Teacher : At the end of the day , I reminded the kids that sharing is on Monday , that it was their sharing day , as I forgot to put it in the kindergarten news . As Abe walked past me , he said , " you know what I am sharing ! " . I said " what ? " and he said my dancing . what he 'll do if he 's scared , and he said , " Well , I 'm not gonna quit . " Then tonight , just so you know what you might be in for tomorrow , he ripped his shirt off mid - performance of " Bad . " Tomorrow is the big day for him to share his dancing , something he has insisted on doing . I 'm hoping both that he doesn 't choke and that he keeps his shirt on . Posted by In the car on the way to a Girl Scout event , my son says , " Mom ? This week at school , me and K and S and G tried to have a war with the girls but it didn 't turn out so well . The girls were just doing their own thing , not even playing with us . " My daughter and I both laughed at this . It was the perfect chance to reinforce my advice to " just ignore " the punks on the playground . This time , my own son was the punk . I was standing by myself in the spitting rain on the playground of my kids ' school this afternoon . It was noisy out there since school had let out just a few minutes before . Suddenly a funny thing happened . I felt like I was there , but not completely there . I shut my eyes for a couple of seconds , and the noise of kids playing , parents talking , car doors slamming , metal scraping concrete and balls against the brick wall was muffled in my head . I was suddenly acutely aware of the largeness of this world , the millions of people in it , the suffering and the joy , the chorus of humanity and nature , the spirit of it all . I was there but not there . As I opened my eyes , the noise came back to sharper focus . Our kids are now on Season 1 , episode 3 of The Cosby Show . I have lately been loving this age they 're both in , still awkward and sweet and babies but also learning to read and do math . One of the best parts of this stage has been the introduction of pop culture milestones for me , like Michael Jackson and now The Cosby Show . I am a kid of the 80s , and I was so happy to hear them cracking up while watching , mostly at Rudy and Vanessa . I noticed that afternoon that they started playing a made - up game called " Cosby Show , " and the one part I overheard clearly was my daughter as Ms . Huxtable asking my son , " Why do we have these four kids anyway ? " They get it . Last night as I finished my book on the couch , they were at my desk in the other room watching , and I couldn 't help smiling at their genuine laughter . Thank you , Bill Cosby . I woke up irritable today . In fact , as I sit here trying to write this post , I just shushed my family , asking for quiet for five minutes . At times , it feels like my main role in this house is to tell people where to put things and find things they have lost . So after an irritable morning , I sent our son with his dad to a meeting so I could do grocery shopping with just our daughter . The burden was lighter this way . She is a helper and great company , especially when it 's just us . In the car , we had a longish conversation about why goldfish crackers are not good to eat every day and what the term " whole food " means . She 's always been interested in health , medicine , and nutrition . My need to explain to her what the word " ingredient " means was a reminder that English is not her first language . In the first store , she sat in the huge cart the whole time and made a fort for herself from the items I was putting in , the 700 rolls of toilet paper being one full wall . We sampled granola with rice milk , orange chicken , taquitos , beef broth which she let me finish . In the huge parking lot , I ran her and the cart to the car , only getting a couple of looks , fueled by the compliment she 'd just gotten on the way out on her pretty hair ( I worked on it for four hours Saturday ) . At the next store , she walked beside me and helped . We bought only whole food here , although on the way out , I noticed the 50 cent cans of coke available from a vending machine , so she pulled out her wallet , the one with a picture of my grandmother in the front window , and put two quarters in . She picked Fanta . We rarely get cokes , and she was giddy with excitement . She skipped out to the car while we talked about how our driver in Ethiopia used to buy her Fantas at every restaurant we went to . When she asked why he did that , I said , " Well , because , I guess Ethiopians like to spoil kids sometimes . " This made her smile , and we talked about how nice the driver was and how fun that week was that we spent with him . At the next store , she insisted on carrying both bags out to the car . She laughed off and on the whole way . I pulled out my phone to snap a picture , amazed ( again ) at her beauty . A small moment . About twenty kids this morning at church were being led outside to play . I was standing in the hall where my kids were not expecting me to be . I saw them right in the middle of the group , and I caught their eyes . I smiled at them , waved , then noticed that they were holding hands . They were the only kids doing this . The sun came out Friday , and it warmed up enough for everyone to take off jackets . For February around here , this is bliss . I parked my car blocks away from my kids ' school to walk to get them . The dog was with me . The afternoon was spent outside , the kids ' friends taking turns running the dog around the soccer field . I got to know a new family and helped connect them with some free after - school sports activities , which they came to that very day . Their four - year - old daughter got my kindergartener in a choke hold , which he tolerated pretty patiently . My own daughter ran so hard that sweat was dripping down her face . She was wearing her dark gray tshirt for the second day in a row that says " This girl 's a genius . " The dog , tied up outside with a bowl of water , did not bark in our absence , and I felt really proud of him for that . The game finished . We got the dog and walked to the car . Both kids nearly fell asleep on the way home . That morning , with two cups of coffee in my system , a coworker and I managed to complete the petition to bring one of my asylee elder 's wife and children here to join him . It was a satisfying feeling to have him sign his name to the forms we 'd all worked so hard on . We drove away from the brick building to get tea . He told us both that , if they get here , he wants us to be the first ones they meet when they step off the airplane . I imagine this moment and get teary . He is a good man and hasn 't seen his daughters for five years . I can 't imagine . I was happy the sun was shining so bright as we drank our tea . Thursday afternoon at work , a group of the seniors I work with were leaving for the day . It had been a full day of activity , ending with Somali - made Ethiopian food and an English lesson about " What I like . . . " Everyone was tired , and I suspected looking forward to their afternoon naps . I 'd sat down at my desk to make a note of something when the gruff Somali elder walked by , the one who sounds angry no matter what he 's saying . We exchange goodbyes and waves and apparently had some sort of conversation because the young Eritrean lady whose desk is across from mine shook her head and asked , " What did you even just say to each other ? What language is that ? " As an introvert , the initial getting - to - know - you phase is energy - draining . I much prefer the comfort of already knowing someone , which is what I have now at work . It 's a nice feeling . Until my daughter is old enough to tell me not to , I will speak with each of her teachers at the beginning of every school year about group projects that involve baby photos . So far , her teachers have all been understanding and sympathetic to the reality that we will probably never have baby pictures of her or any of those " milestone " facts about her infancy . I try to stay sensitive to her mood as we look at her brother 's baby photos , and so far she 's only expressed a couple of times that she wishes she had them too . In fact , lately , she seems to get a kick out of going through old family photos and especially videos where she can laugh at how cute her little brother was as a toddler . I read today about this birth announcement , the one here where a boy was adopted at age 13 with no baby photos passed down . So this is what how his new mother introduced them into their circle of friends and family . I wish I had thought of this . I find it hilarious and actually very touching . Older child adoption rocks . " So , see , what I did , was , as soon as he told me I can 't have my Monday night margarita anymore , I threw my purse down as hard as I could and said , ' That 's it ! I 'm outta here ! Find me a new doctor ! ' " This afternoon , my daughter 's friend came over to get her hair done . It required timely orchestration with school schedules and the braider 's schedule . Part of my duty was to prep the hair for braids . Her friend sat in the bath as I sectioned the hair off , deep conditioned from root to tip , and combed it out . When my daughter saw me struggling to get the old braids out in the front , she stripped to her underwear and climbed in the bath to lend a hand . She worked with such focus , leaning over her friend , getting the matted knots out the best she could . The word " tenacious " came to my mind as I watched her ; I always see little glimpses of the small girl she must have been at age three or four , sweeping the bottle - cap floors of where she lived or grinding freshly roasted coffee beans by hand with a mortar and pestle . There is a drive way down deep in her to contribute , to be useful , to be a helper . She also will look up from her task to laugh loudly if someone makes a fart joke . She is remarkable . It was such a painful feeling in my head this morning when the alarm went off after a nyquil - infused night of sleep . In a haze , I got the single - cup percolator going on our gas stove and tried to decide what the kids should eat when I had to wake them up in ten minutes . Leftover ' cinnamon quick bread ' made into french toast happened during the time I usually take a shower . They dressed and ate while I showered , and I left the house thirty minutes later with very wet hair , all on a work day . We listened to " Yellow Submarine " on the way to school . My son gave an early valentines gift of an old cell phone wrapped in pink construction paper to the cute blond girl in his class , and I realized as she sat on my right during ' book look ' that she had bad breath . She sure is cute though . My son let her pick out the book each time . My Liberian friend and I talked about our colds in the car on the way to work . It was a boring conversation . Work happened in a flurry . A Kenyan Americorps volunteer donated a huge box of yarn to my program for our knitting group . A kitchen worker ticked me off for showing disrespect to an elder , and I was on the phone with her boss an hour later to talk about the need for cultural sensitivity training . My husband is sick , sick , sick so I rushed to gather my chickadees from school . A group of eight or nine little kids kept dog piling a big kid at the bottom of the slide . He didn 't seem to mind , so I never intervened . I talked for a long time with one of my favorite first - grade mothers and told her son that he looked like a senator in his black wool coat . I noticed for the first time that he mispronounces his ' r 's . " Mom , I want to go cause it 's waining . " My daughter worked on a homework page of counting up coins until she got it right , after five tries . I made roasted vegetable cheddar soup from yesterday 's leftovers , which we ate in a rush to get to the house of the pastor 's mother - in - law for my training for working with the kids at church . My own kids were stellar during the training , writing on a white board , reading the books they 'd brought , eating apples and whispering quietly the whole time . I was proud . Stop by the hoity toity grocery store to see about buying half of a Fat Tuesday king cake , which they were willing to do only grudgingly even though it was 7 : 30pm on the evening of Mardis Gras , and that stack of expensive cakes were going to end up thrown out in four hours time . We had samples and left without buying one . They weren 't that good anyway , definitely not worth $ 17 . On days like today when I don 't sit down at all until after 8pm , it 's hard to write posts highlighting one moment . Not that any of these above are that remarkable . It was just a normal , busy Tuesday . Now I 'm going to finish the last half hour of Downton Abbey and drink wine ( which I 'm giving up for lent ! ) . My son 's current best friend is a very pragmatic little girl who is into superheros . They are constantly together before school , after school , during school . She came over this afternoon to play . The two of them went to use our old computer , and I asked if they were going to listen to music . They are five and six years old . Turns out they were typing out words from a chocolate milk cartoon . You know , like you do when you 're five and learning to read . All three kids ended up making valentine 's cards at our dining room table . Our kind , thoughtful daughter made one for her brother 's friend that she read out loud . It said , " I think you are nice and I hope you have a good Valentine 's Day . You are pritty and I like your voiss . " It 's exactly the kind of card our daughter would write to someone . However , when I dropped her off at home , I asked her why she didn 't take the Valentine 's card with her . Her answer was , " I read it already , so why would I keep it ? " In A Tree Grows in Brooklyn , Katie Nolan reads every night to her children one page from her Gideon Bible and one page from The Complete Works of Shakespeare . She herself has very little education and doesn 't understand many of the words but her mother told her that the way out of poverty is education , so this is what she does from the time her children are infants . It got me thinking about my degree in literature and my own kids . We 've always had books around , made frequent trips to the library , bought stacks of used books from yard and library sales , and read every day , but we haven 't done a lot of this plowing through full chapter books yet . I decided to change that , so Saturday night , I read the first four chapters of The Lion , the Witch and the Wardrobe to our kids . They completely loved it , not wanting me to stop . The chapter breaks have enough of the cliffhanger effect about them , so they kept prodding me on to more . Tonight , it being a school night , we had time for one chapter , and then they said they were hungry . I told them snack or chapter , not both , and I was pleased that they both had to really consider each option before deciding to go fill their bellies with the leftover bacon and pancakes from breakfast . Tomorrow night we 'll just get started earlier . Working yesterday was a mistake . I think it added on a couple days to this illness I 'm living with . So I stayed home today , not even getting up to see the kids off to school , lucky enough to have a husband who kept them so quiet that I slept all the way through the morning routine . My daughter started asking me last night about the sponsorship letter she found laying on the table from the girl we support in a foreign country for food and education . There was a random picture of a girl and boy at the top of a paper , and she asked why we don 't support him too . I explained that those photos were just randomly chosen , that the girl wasn 't " our " girl either . She still wasn 't satisfied . She nodded but then blankly said , " Well , why don 't you send more kids to school ? Why do you only help one ? " I fumbled but tried to explain about how it can get expensive ( lame , I know ) . Her eyes lit up and she said , " Well , I have money . I can help . " My husband told me tonight as we had dinner out that our daughter has been pestering him about the many homeless folks in our city . She gets irked when we don 't give them money . We talked about how we need to get small bags of supplies like toothbrushes , gift cards , dried fruit , protein bars , etc in our car to hand out . We want this altruism to stay strong in her . Right before bed tonight , she ran to me with a gift . She said , " Mom , here , eat this brain ! " It was a piece of popcorn that truly looked exactly like a human brain . I didn 't want it , but she pouted so much when I just licked it that I eventually ate it , her gift of a brain . Posted by Despite having a degree in literature , I had never read Betty Smith 's A Tree Grows in Brooklyn . Two days ago , I pulled from my shelf the $ 4 paperback copy I got years ago at Goodwill . I 'm halfway through it and loving it . I get why it 's the sort of book people read multiple times . I woke up last night at 3 : 00am thinking various things , not able to sleep . One of my thoughts was about the likelihood of our son needing to take a day off of school due to a new cough . I woke the kids up at their usual 7 : 30 time and decided to keep him home . I had a few pressing things to take care of at work , so I took our daughter to school , gave a ride to my Liberian friend , sat down at my desk at work and started answering emails and phone calls for an hour . I got lightheaded so came back home . Our son was running a fever of 101 , which went up to 103 by the end of the day . Mother 's intuition . We watched Star Wars on the basement couch together , and I read deeper into A Tree Grows in Brooklyn . My own cough got worse . We drank ginger ale and ate snacks . He ate the lunch I had packed for him last night . An Ethiopian elder , the one who holds my hand everywhere we go , called me during Star Wars . I laughed through the " conversation " because I knew exactly what was happening on his end . I laughed too because he called me in spite of our language barrier . I kept telling him we were fine , a little sick , okay , then naming his friends , asking if they were there eating lunch with him . I finally heard a long string of loud Amharic as he gave the phone to someone who could interpret , not that there was any need really since I knew why he was calling . He 'd heard there was sickness at our house and wanted to check in . This is exactly what the interpreter told me . She was laughing too . Another day out of school for my son tomorrow . He is sad about missing " choice time " and the return of his beloved teacher ( gone for two weeks for eye surgery ) , but oh how he loves watching movies in the middle of the day and drinking ginger ale . I kind of like it too . Yesterday during the sermon at church , a man walked in with an electric guitar slung on his back . He ambled crookedly down the middle aisle and took a seat towards the front on the right side . He rocked back and forth a few times as he settled into his pew . He ' amen ' ed a few times in answer to the words on the importance of sabbath rest . I had noticed him just fifteen minutes earlier as I drove five blocks to get a coffee for myself ( my coffee maker at home had exploded grounds into my cup . . . and yes , it 's pathetic that I drove the five blocks instead of walked it , but my husband insisted ) . The man was walking down the street with his guitar and various other bags slung on his shoulders . He was hard not to notice . I could hear his voice through the rolled - up windows of my car . A few minutes later as I drove back to church , I saw him again . He had set up a spot for himself in front of passing traffic , and was playing the guitar , singing loudly . When he walked into the building and sat down , I wondered what would happen . Turns out not much . He listened for ten minutes or so , during which time one of the deacons came and sat right behind him . I am pretty sure this was intentional . The guitar player was difficult to predict . He eventually stood up , gathered his stuff , pulled something out of his pocket and walked to the front . He laid a dollar bill on a table behind the still - preaching pastor . The pastor said , " Thank you , brother " as the man shuffled back out into February . Every afternoon in the sixth grade , part of my walk home took me on a path where I got to watch a squirrel decompose over the course of several months . When I first noticed the dead squirrel in the middle of the single - person dirt path that ran beside the busy city street in front of my school , it was still furry and contained remnants of its cute squirrelness . Eventually , as bikes and many feet rolled or walked over it , the middle of it turned into part of the path , only the furry head and tail on either side . Why this childhood experience stands out to me so strongly , I am not sure about . This afternoon , about an hour before dark , a lady in the park where many dogs were playing called out to everyone that she 'd just found a dead squirrel . She was warning all the dog owners about it in case it was poisoned , telling us we should keep our dogs away . By the time I got to her , she and hour preschool - aged daughter had found out that the squirrel was actually breathing . It was laying there in the cold mud on its stomach , all hunkered up with its face tucked in as close as possible to its chest . Every minute or so , it would try to move , which is when I noticed that its front left leg was wounded . The lady was working hard to keep her dog away from it , and I tried to figure out what to do . The three kids stood around watching it , giving a running commentary on each development of the squirrel 's health . Would the parks service come get it on a late Sunday afternoon ? Of course not . We finally decided to get the box out of the back of my car to put it in , at least to get it out of the middle of this field . I used a stick to shove the little guy as gently as I could into the box . He was still breathing and looked utterly miserable . I wanted someone to come along with experience in bringing a swift end to the suffering of a wild squirrel . I picked up the box and looked closely at the guy . The preschool girl asked to see too , so I bent down and let her look . My own kids studied it too . The part of me that has seen sitcoms and horror movies tensed up as images came to mind of the squirrel 's eyes turning red , fangs glaring , as it lunged at my children . Zombie squirrel attacks ! It just laid there though , perfectly still , breathing , eyes half - closed , suffering . The small weight of it in the box I was carrying made me really sad . The lady and I agreed to at least get it out of the way of dogs , so we found some high hedges to place it on top of . I nestled the box down into the middle of the hedge , and covered it up with fallen limbs from trees . The lady seemed genuinely relieved that I put the limbs around the box , saying with sadness in her voice , " Oh ! That 's such a good idea ! Maybe it 'll wake up and think he 's in his own habitat ! " Whatever , lady . As we walked away , I looked back at the box a couple of times . The lady and her kid walked with me and mine to our car . She kept telling her daughter that the squirrel may wake up in the night and scamper back to its home in the trees , happy to be reunited with its family . The kid wanted to come back tomorrow to see if the box is empty . The mom said they could but warned her that the squirrel may still be there . We both agreed though that recovery was possible and that we should hope for that . If not , maybe some kid who lives in the house next to the hedge will notice the box with a dead squirrel and watch it decompose into the greenery over the next few months , the way I did in the sixth grade . Maybe my own kids will remember the day their mom stuck a dying squirrel on top of some bushes in the park . If nothing else , by writing down this sad and weird moment , I got it back . Posted by My daughter has now taken orders for 128 boxes of girl scout cookies by walking around our neighborhood asking ( plus a handful from my coworkers ) . As we go house to house , I make sure that she is the one ringing the bell and doing most of the talking . I try to stand on the sidewalk , only jumping in if she doesn 't know the answer to a question . Today it 's sunny where we are , so we spent a good hour out taking orders . She would walk up to people who were out in their yards with her script I helped her with . She 'd say her name , what street we live on , and " Do you want some girl scout cookies ? " She could field questions about when the orders would be in , if customers have to pay now or later , even what her favorite kind is despite never having tasted one yet . She has been in this country for sixteen months . The brain 's capacity to acquire a new language at this age is astounding . One of the first questions we always got from people about her within the first year was , " How 's her English ? " This is something I was never concerned about . Our brains are so elastic in the grade school years that whole languages are absorbed within months . The true challenge resides in retaining the fading glimmer of the language that she grew up with . Language issues aside , my wonder at those 128 ( and counting ) boxes of cookies lies in this little girl 's tenacity and self - assuredness . She has moments of shyness when she hangs back upon meeting new people , but it lasts only a few seconds . She looks at me with a question mark , and I lean my head in the direction she should go . With her straight back , she goes . Her chin is always up . She takes that brown folder with the order form and pen tucked inside and makes her brief sales pitch . I don 't think anyone of her customers so far has suspected what a short time she has been here . It sort of blows my mind . |
When he saw me waiting for him in the classroom after their lunch - recess , he ran to hug me before joining his class . My son 's teacher let him be the first to share at show - and - tell . She asked him how much room he needed for his dancing , and his classmates moved back at his direction . He stood nervously in front of the chalk board as the teacher reminded the students , " Are we going to laugh when he dances ? What will happen if you laugh or make fun ? What will we do when he 's finished ? Yes , we will clap for him because he is being a brave risk - taker today . " She had cued up the right disc and asked if he was ready . He nodded . The low bass beat of " boh , boh , boh . . . boh BOH . . . " of " Bad " by Michael Jackson filled the kindergarten classroom . His best friend turned and looked at me , a smile on her face that said , " Can you believe this ? ! " The sensitive blond kid sat in the front row giving him thumbs - up , which continued off and on through the whole performance . He admitted to me later that he was nervous and the next morning , he told me that he couldn 't stop thinking about how that was his worst dance ever . I reminded him that the important thing was that he didn 't quit , that he did it even though he was nervous . Everyone clapped . His best friend seemed proud . As I told the story of our son 's first performance last night to my husband , he teared up , and he said , " What an amazing teacher . " She set the supportive tone . We are so thankful . Last night , from about 5 : 00 until bedtime three hours later , my daughter copied sentences from wikipedia about penguins . She was not being punished . They are studying Antarctica in her class , and she wants to learn . We are now on book two ( in the correct order , not the ' chronological ' one ) of the Narnia series now , and she cried when I told her she couldn 't keep writing sentences as I read . What it means to parent my daughter : losing a battle of wills means that she gets to continue writing facts about penguins as she listens to a story . She copies down all the scientific names and wants me to read them and is frustrated with me because I can 't pronounce them correctly . When we got home from school , she had a letter from my mother waiting for her . She read it out loud , needing help with the words " imagination , " " concerned , " and " decide . " With her eyes lit up , she held it in front of her and said , " This makes me want to read it over and over to increase my fluency ! " She has been learning English for seventeen months . She later talked about how she wants to keep it forever , that it 's something to " treasure . " Tomorrow , her reading group is supposed to bring to school something that they treasure , and she 's going to bring a necklace one of our neighbors made for her out of stones from Ethiopia that she 'd gotten last year while there with a team of local doctors doing pelvic floor surgeries . She has never worn the necklace ; it stays in its box , and I 'm nervous about her taking it to school tomorrow . This afternoon after we got home , another neighbor was out , and I ended up talking to her for a while about books , my young kids , her grown ones , and how fast time goes by as we age . She 's one of my favorite neighbors ( among a splendid bunch ) , one that I don 't always talk much to but always connect with when we do chat . She 's invited me to be a part of the book group she 's been in for the last twenty years . Their next selection is one I already had , so I was taking it across the street to loan to her . One of her daughters is getting married in a few months , and she talked about how much she misses the days when her kids were at home in her orbit . She liked the feeling that she could gather them close should they need her for anything . She seems in a state of disbelief that her daughter is old enough to be getting married . The conversation was a good reminder to me . My kids are in my immediate orbit right now , and though it 's the tiring years , these are the years I 'm going to look back on with wonder that they ever happened at all . Teacher : At the end of the day , I reminded the kids that sharing is on Monday , that it was their sharing day , as I forgot to put it in the kindergarten news . As Abe walked past me , he said , " you know what I am sharing ! " . I said " what ? " and he said my dancing . what he 'll do if he 's scared , and he said , " Well , I 'm not gonna quit . " Then tonight , just so you know what you might be in for tomorrow , he ripped his shirt off mid - performance of " Bad . " Tomorrow is the big day for him to share his dancing , something he has insisted on doing . I 'm hoping both that he doesn 't choke and that he keeps his shirt on . Posted by In the car on the way to a Girl Scout event , my son says , " Mom ? This week at school , me and K and S and G tried to have a war with the girls but it didn 't turn out so well . The girls were just doing their own thing , not even playing with us . " My daughter and I both laughed at this . It was the perfect chance to reinforce my advice to " just ignore " the punks on the playground . This time , my own son was the punk . I was standing by myself in the spitting rain on the playground of my kids ' school this afternoon . It was noisy out there since school had let out just a few minutes before . Suddenly a funny thing happened . I felt like I was there , but not completely there . I shut my eyes for a couple of seconds , and the noise of kids playing , parents talking , car doors slamming , metal scraping concrete and balls against the brick wall was muffled in my head . I was suddenly acutely aware of the largeness of this world , the millions of people in it , the suffering and the joy , the chorus of humanity and nature , the spirit of it all . I was there but not there . As I opened my eyes , the noise came back to sharper focus . Our kids are now on Season 1 , episode 3 of The Cosby Show . I have lately been loving this age they 're both in , still awkward and sweet and babies but also learning to read and do math . One of the best parts of this stage has been the introduction of pop culture milestones for me , like Michael Jackson and now The Cosby Show . I am a kid of the 80s , and I was so happy to hear them cracking up while watching , mostly at Rudy and Vanessa . I noticed that afternoon that they started playing a made - up game called " Cosby Show , " and the one part I overheard clearly was my daughter as Ms . Huxtable asking my son , " Why do we have these four kids anyway ? " They get it . Last night as I finished my book on the couch , they were at my desk in the other room watching , and I couldn 't help smiling at their genuine laughter . Thank you , Bill Cosby . I woke up irritable today . In fact , as I sit here trying to write this post , I just shushed my family , asking for quiet for five minutes . At times , it feels like my main role in this house is to tell people where to put things and find things they have lost . So after an irritable morning , I sent our son with his dad to a meeting so I could do grocery shopping with just our daughter . The burden was lighter this way . She is a helper and great company , especially when it 's just us . In the car , we had a longish conversation about why goldfish crackers are not good to eat every day and what the term " whole food " means . She 's always been interested in health , medicine , and nutrition . My need to explain to her what the word " ingredient " means was a reminder that English is not her first language . In the first store , she sat in the huge cart the whole time and made a fort for herself from the items I was putting in , the 700 rolls of toilet paper being one full wall . We sampled granola with rice milk , orange chicken , taquitos , beef broth which she let me finish . In the huge parking lot , I ran her and the cart to the car , only getting a couple of looks , fueled by the compliment she 'd just gotten on the way out on her pretty hair ( I worked on it for four hours Saturday ) . At the next store , she walked beside me and helped . We bought only whole food here , although on the way out , I noticed the 50 cent cans of coke available from a vending machine , so she pulled out her wallet , the one with a picture of my grandmother in the front window , and put two quarters in . She picked Fanta . We rarely get cokes , and she was giddy with excitement . She skipped out to the car while we talked about how our driver in Ethiopia used to buy her Fantas at every restaurant we went to . When she asked why he did that , I said , " Well , because , I guess Ethiopians like to spoil kids sometimes . " This made her smile , and we talked about how nice the driver was and how fun that week was that we spent with him . At the next store , she insisted on carrying both bags out to the car . She laughed off and on the whole way . I pulled out my phone to snap a picture , amazed ( again ) at her beauty . A small moment . About twenty kids this morning at church were being led outside to play . I was standing in the hall where my kids were not expecting me to be . I saw them right in the middle of the group , and I caught their eyes . I smiled at them , waved , then noticed that they were holding hands . They were the only kids doing this . The sun came out Friday , and it warmed up enough for everyone to take off jackets . For February around here , this is bliss . I parked my car blocks away from my kids ' school to walk to get them . The dog was with me . The afternoon was spent outside , the kids ' friends taking turns running the dog around the soccer field . I got to know a new family and helped connect them with some free after - school sports activities , which they came to that very day . Their four - year - old daughter got my kindergartener in a choke hold , which he tolerated pretty patiently . My own daughter ran so hard that sweat was dripping down her face . She was wearing her dark gray tshirt for the second day in a row that says " This girl 's a genius . " The dog , tied up outside with a bowl of water , did not bark in our absence , and I felt really proud of him for that . The game finished . We got the dog and walked to the car . Both kids nearly fell asleep on the way home . That morning , with two cups of coffee in my system , a coworker and I managed to complete the petition to bring one of my asylee elder 's wife and children here to join him . It was a satisfying feeling to have him sign his name to the forms we 'd all worked so hard on . We drove away from the brick building to get tea . He told us both that , if they get here , he wants us to be the first ones they meet when they step off the airplane . I imagine this moment and get teary . He is a good man and hasn 't seen his daughters for five years . I can 't imagine . I was happy the sun was shining so bright as we drank our tea . Thursday afternoon at work , a group of the seniors I work with were leaving for the day . It had been a full day of activity , ending with Somali - made Ethiopian food and an English lesson about " What I like . . . " Everyone was tired , and I suspected looking forward to their afternoon naps . I 'd sat down at my desk to make a note of something when the gruff Somali elder walked by , the one who sounds angry no matter what he 's saying . We exchange goodbyes and waves and apparently had some sort of conversation because the young Eritrean lady whose desk is across from mine shook her head and asked , " What did you even just say to each other ? What language is that ? " As an introvert , the initial getting - to - know - you phase is energy - draining . I much prefer the comfort of already knowing someone , which is what I have now at work . It 's a nice feeling . Until my daughter is old enough to tell me not to , I will speak with each of her teachers at the beginning of every school year about group projects that involve baby photos . So far , her teachers have all been understanding and sympathetic to the reality that we will probably never have baby pictures of her or any of those " milestone " facts about her infancy . I try to stay sensitive to her mood as we look at her brother 's baby photos , and so far she 's only expressed a couple of times that she wishes she had them too . In fact , lately , she seems to get a kick out of going through old family photos and especially videos where she can laugh at how cute her little brother was as a toddler . I read today about this birth announcement , the one here where a boy was adopted at age 13 with no baby photos passed down . So this is what how his new mother introduced them into their circle of friends and family . I wish I had thought of this . I find it hilarious and actually very touching . Older child adoption rocks . " So , see , what I did , was , as soon as he told me I can 't have my Monday night margarita anymore , I threw my purse down as hard as I could and said , ' That 's it ! I 'm outta here ! Find me a new doctor ! ' " This afternoon , my daughter 's friend came over to get her hair done . It required timely orchestration with school schedules and the braider 's schedule . Part of my duty was to prep the hair for braids . Her friend sat in the bath as I sectioned the hair off , deep conditioned from root to tip , and combed it out . When my daughter saw me struggling to get the old braids out in the front , she stripped to her underwear and climbed in the bath to lend a hand . She worked with such focus , leaning over her friend , getting the matted knots out the best she could . The word " tenacious " came to my mind as I watched her ; I always see little glimpses of the small girl she must have been at age three or four , sweeping the bottle - cap floors of where she lived or grinding freshly roasted coffee beans by hand with a mortar and pestle . There is a drive way down deep in her to contribute , to be useful , to be a helper . She also will look up from her task to laugh loudly if someone makes a fart joke . She is remarkable . It was such a painful feeling in my head this morning when the alarm went off after a nyquil - infused night of sleep . In a haze , I got the single - cup percolator going on our gas stove and tried to decide what the kids should eat when I had to wake them up in ten minutes . Leftover ' cinnamon quick bread ' made into french toast happened during the time I usually take a shower . They dressed and ate while I showered , and I left the house thirty minutes later with very wet hair , all on a work day . We listened to " Yellow Submarine " on the way to school . My son gave an early valentines gift of an old cell phone wrapped in pink construction paper to the cute blond girl in his class , and I realized as she sat on my right during ' book look ' that she had bad breath . She sure is cute though . My son let her pick out the book each time . My Liberian friend and I talked about our colds in the car on the way to work . It was a boring conversation . Work happened in a flurry . A Kenyan Americorps volunteer donated a huge box of yarn to my program for our knitting group . A kitchen worker ticked me off for showing disrespect to an elder , and I was on the phone with her boss an hour later to talk about the need for cultural sensitivity training . My husband is sick , sick , sick so I rushed to gather my chickadees from school . A group of eight or nine little kids kept dog piling a big kid at the bottom of the slide . He didn 't seem to mind , so I never intervened . I talked for a long time with one of my favorite first - grade mothers and told her son that he looked like a senator in his black wool coat . I noticed for the first time that he mispronounces his ' r 's . " Mom , I want to go cause it 's waining . " My daughter worked on a homework page of counting up coins until she got it right , after five tries . I made roasted vegetable cheddar soup from yesterday 's leftovers , which we ate in a rush to get to the house of the pastor 's mother - in - law for my training for working with the kids at church . My own kids were stellar during the training , writing on a white board , reading the books they 'd brought , eating apples and whispering quietly the whole time . I was proud . Stop by the hoity toity grocery store to see about buying half of a Fat Tuesday king cake , which they were willing to do only grudgingly even though it was 7 : 30pm on the evening of Mardis Gras , and that stack of expensive cakes were going to end up thrown out in four hours time . We had samples and left without buying one . They weren 't that good anyway , definitely not worth $ 17 . On days like today when I don 't sit down at all until after 8pm , it 's hard to write posts highlighting one moment . Not that any of these above are that remarkable . It was just a normal , busy Tuesday . Now I 'm going to finish the last half hour of Downton Abbey and drink wine ( which I 'm giving up for lent ! ) . My son 's current best friend is a very pragmatic little girl who is into superheros . They are constantly together before school , after school , during school . She came over this afternoon to play . The two of them went to use our old computer , and I asked if they were going to listen to music . They are five and six years old . Turns out they were typing out words from a chocolate milk cartoon . You know , like you do when you 're five and learning to read . All three kids ended up making valentine 's cards at our dining room table . Our kind , thoughtful daughter made one for her brother 's friend that she read out loud . It said , " I think you are nice and I hope you have a good Valentine 's Day . You are pritty and I like your voiss . " It 's exactly the kind of card our daughter would write to someone . However , when I dropped her off at home , I asked her why she didn 't take the Valentine 's card with her . Her answer was , " I read it already , so why would I keep it ? " In A Tree Grows in Brooklyn , Katie Nolan reads every night to her children one page from her Gideon Bible and one page from The Complete Works of Shakespeare . She herself has very little education and doesn 't understand many of the words but her mother told her that the way out of poverty is education , so this is what she does from the time her children are infants . It got me thinking about my degree in literature and my own kids . We 've always had books around , made frequent trips to the library , bought stacks of used books from yard and library sales , and read every day , but we haven 't done a lot of this plowing through full chapter books yet . I decided to change that , so Saturday night , I read the first four chapters of The Lion , the Witch and the Wardrobe to our kids . They completely loved it , not wanting me to stop . The chapter breaks have enough of the cliffhanger effect about them , so they kept prodding me on to more . Tonight , it being a school night , we had time for one chapter , and then they said they were hungry . I told them snack or chapter , not both , and I was pleased that they both had to really consider each option before deciding to go fill their bellies with the leftover bacon and pancakes from breakfast . Tomorrow night we 'll just get started earlier . Working yesterday was a mistake . I think it added on a couple days to this illness I 'm living with . So I stayed home today , not even getting up to see the kids off to school , lucky enough to have a husband who kept them so quiet that I slept all the way through the morning routine . My daughter started asking me last night about the sponsorship letter she found laying on the table from the girl we support in a foreign country for food and education . There was a random picture of a girl and boy at the top of a paper , and she asked why we don 't support him too . I explained that those photos were just randomly chosen , that the girl wasn 't " our " girl either . She still wasn 't satisfied . She nodded but then blankly said , " Well , why don 't you send more kids to school ? Why do you only help one ? " I fumbled but tried to explain about how it can get expensive ( lame , I know ) . Her eyes lit up and she said , " Well , I have money . I can help . " My husband told me tonight as we had dinner out that our daughter has been pestering him about the many homeless folks in our city . She gets irked when we don 't give them money . We talked about how we need to get small bags of supplies like toothbrushes , gift cards , dried fruit , protein bars , etc in our car to hand out . We want this altruism to stay strong in her . Right before bed tonight , she ran to me with a gift . She said , " Mom , here , eat this brain ! " It was a piece of popcorn that truly looked exactly like a human brain . I didn 't want it , but she pouted so much when I just licked it that I eventually ate it , her gift of a brain . Posted by Despite having a degree in literature , I had never read Betty Smith 's A Tree Grows in Brooklyn . Two days ago , I pulled from my shelf the $ 4 paperback copy I got years ago at Goodwill . I 'm halfway through it and loving it . I get why it 's the sort of book people read multiple times . I woke up last night at 3 : 00am thinking various things , not able to sleep . One of my thoughts was about the likelihood of our son needing to take a day off of school due to a new cough . I woke the kids up at their usual 7 : 30 time and decided to keep him home . I had a few pressing things to take care of at work , so I took our daughter to school , gave a ride to my Liberian friend , sat down at my desk at work and started answering emails and phone calls for an hour . I got lightheaded so came back home . Our son was running a fever of 101 , which went up to 103 by the end of the day . Mother 's intuition . We watched Star Wars on the basement couch together , and I read deeper into A Tree Grows in Brooklyn . My own cough got worse . We drank ginger ale and ate snacks . He ate the lunch I had packed for him last night . An Ethiopian elder , the one who holds my hand everywhere we go , called me during Star Wars . I laughed through the " conversation " because I knew exactly what was happening on his end . I laughed too because he called me in spite of our language barrier . I kept telling him we were fine , a little sick , okay , then naming his friends , asking if they were there eating lunch with him . I finally heard a long string of loud Amharic as he gave the phone to someone who could interpret , not that there was any need really since I knew why he was calling . He 'd heard there was sickness at our house and wanted to check in . This is exactly what the interpreter told me . She was laughing too . Another day out of school for my son tomorrow . He is sad about missing " choice time " and the return of his beloved teacher ( gone for two weeks for eye surgery ) , but oh how he loves watching movies in the middle of the day and drinking ginger ale . I kind of like it too . Yesterday during the sermon at church , a man walked in with an electric guitar slung on his back . He ambled crookedly down the middle aisle and took a seat towards the front on the right side . He rocked back and forth a few times as he settled into his pew . He ' amen ' ed a few times in answer to the words on the importance of sabbath rest . I had noticed him just fifteen minutes earlier as I drove five blocks to get a coffee for myself ( my coffee maker at home had exploded grounds into my cup . . . and yes , it 's pathetic that I drove the five blocks instead of walked it , but my husband insisted ) . The man was walking down the street with his guitar and various other bags slung on his shoulders . He was hard not to notice . I could hear his voice through the rolled - up windows of my car . A few minutes later as I drove back to church , I saw him again . He had set up a spot for himself in front of passing traffic , and was playing the guitar , singing loudly . When he walked into the building and sat down , I wondered what would happen . Turns out not much . He listened for ten minutes or so , during which time one of the deacons came and sat right behind him . I am pretty sure this was intentional . The guitar player was difficult to predict . He eventually stood up , gathered his stuff , pulled something out of his pocket and walked to the front . He laid a dollar bill on a table behind the still - preaching pastor . The pastor said , " Thank you , brother " as the man shuffled back out into February . Every afternoon in the sixth grade , part of my walk home took me on a path where I got to watch a squirrel decompose over the course of several months . When I first noticed the dead squirrel in the middle of the single - person dirt path that ran beside the busy city street in front of my school , it was still furry and contained remnants of its cute squirrelness . Eventually , as bikes and many feet rolled or walked over it , the middle of it turned into part of the path , only the furry head and tail on either side . Why this childhood experience stands out to me so strongly , I am not sure about . This afternoon , about an hour before dark , a lady in the park where many dogs were playing called out to everyone that she 'd just found a dead squirrel . She was warning all the dog owners about it in case it was poisoned , telling us we should keep our dogs away . By the time I got to her , she and hour preschool - aged daughter had found out that the squirrel was actually breathing . It was laying there in the cold mud on its stomach , all hunkered up with its face tucked in as close as possible to its chest . Every minute or so , it would try to move , which is when I noticed that its front left leg was wounded . The lady was working hard to keep her dog away from it , and I tried to figure out what to do . The three kids stood around watching it , giving a running commentary on each development of the squirrel 's health . Would the parks service come get it on a late Sunday afternoon ? Of course not . We finally decided to get the box out of the back of my car to put it in , at least to get it out of the middle of this field . I used a stick to shove the little guy as gently as I could into the box . He was still breathing and looked utterly miserable . I wanted someone to come along with experience in bringing a swift end to the suffering of a wild squirrel . I picked up the box and looked closely at the guy . The preschool girl asked to see too , so I bent down and let her look . My own kids studied it too . The part of me that has seen sitcoms and horror movies tensed up as images came to mind of the squirrel 's eyes turning red , fangs glaring , as it lunged at my children . Zombie squirrel attacks ! It just laid there though , perfectly still , breathing , eyes half - closed , suffering . The small weight of it in the box I was carrying made me really sad . The lady and I agreed to at least get it out of the way of dogs , so we found some high hedges to place it on top of . I nestled the box down into the middle of the hedge , and covered it up with fallen limbs from trees . The lady seemed genuinely relieved that I put the limbs around the box , saying with sadness in her voice , " Oh ! That 's such a good idea ! Maybe it 'll wake up and think he 's in his own habitat ! " Whatever , lady . As we walked away , I looked back at the box a couple of times . The lady and her kid walked with me and mine to our car . She kept telling her daughter that the squirrel may wake up in the night and scamper back to its home in the trees , happy to be reunited with its family . The kid wanted to come back tomorrow to see if the box is empty . The mom said they could but warned her that the squirrel may still be there . We both agreed though that recovery was possible and that we should hope for that . If not , maybe some kid who lives in the house next to the hedge will notice the box with a dead squirrel and watch it decompose into the greenery over the next few months , the way I did in the sixth grade . Maybe my own kids will remember the day their mom stuck a dying squirrel on top of some bushes in the park . If nothing else , by writing down this sad and weird moment , I got it back . Posted by My daughter has now taken orders for 128 boxes of girl scout cookies by walking around our neighborhood asking ( plus a handful from my coworkers ) . As we go house to house , I make sure that she is the one ringing the bell and doing most of the talking . I try to stand on the sidewalk , only jumping in if she doesn 't know the answer to a question . Today it 's sunny where we are , so we spent a good hour out taking orders . She would walk up to people who were out in their yards with her script I helped her with . She 'd say her name , what street we live on , and " Do you want some girl scout cookies ? " She could field questions about when the orders would be in , if customers have to pay now or later , even what her favorite kind is despite never having tasted one yet . She has been in this country for sixteen months . The brain 's capacity to acquire a new language at this age is astounding . One of the first questions we always got from people about her within the first year was , " How 's her English ? " This is something I was never concerned about . Our brains are so elastic in the grade school years that whole languages are absorbed within months . The true challenge resides in retaining the fading glimmer of the language that she grew up with . Language issues aside , my wonder at those 128 ( and counting ) boxes of cookies lies in this little girl 's tenacity and self - assuredness . She has moments of shyness when she hangs back upon meeting new people , but it lasts only a few seconds . She looks at me with a question mark , and I lean my head in the direction she should go . With her straight back , she goes . Her chin is always up . She takes that brown folder with the order form and pen tucked inside and makes her brief sales pitch . I don 't think anyone of her customers so far has suspected what a short time she has been here . It sort of blows my mind . |
Logan Martelli wasn 't just a bad boy . He was the bad boy . He did want he wanted , when he wanted and didn 't care who he hurt . Everyone in River Valley knew who he was , but all he wanted to do was leave town and start over again . As I walked through the front door , it felt like I had been away for years , even though it had only been a few hours . I surveyed the mess in the house , and laughed to myself at the sight . I could only imagine the shock on Maddie 's face if I had brought her here . " Good . " He frowned as he drank the last of his beer and threw the can into the corner . " Go and get me another beer from the fridge . " " Okay . " I walked to the kitchen quietly , not bothering to ask if he was sure he wanted another . I no longer cared how drunk and obnoxious he got ; he wasn 't ever going to change . " At the pier . It took longer than I thought it would . " I opened the fridge and grabbed a Bud Light . " Want one ? " I lifted the can up to Vincent . " Hold on . " I put my hand up , walked to the living room , threw the beer to my dad , who was staring at The Simpsons on TV and mumbling , and then I walked back to the kitchen . I looked around and resisted the urge to start shouting about the mess . The sink was full of dirty dishes , and there was food all over the counters and on the floor . " Where 's Jared ? " " Dunno . " Vincent sat back down and opened his book . I sat down at the table with him and studied his serious face . I wanted to tell him about my night , not about the thrill of stealing the car , he knew what that was like already . I wanted to tell him about Maddie , and how she had lit my heart on fire , and how we had made sweet , hard , passionate love in the grass , and how I had thought I was going to explode from the sensations . I wanted to tell him how sweet the sound of Maddie screaming out my name had been . But I kept my mouth shut . " You okay , Logan ? " Vincent looked at me in concern , his blue eyes worried . He ran a hand through his spiky black hair and he leaned towards me . " Did something happen tonight ? " " No . Nothing happened . " I faked a smile and hit him in the arm . " You don 't know who I am ? I 'm Logan Martelli , the cops can 't keep up with me . " " I just don 't think I can do this . " He nodded at the books on the table . " I 'm too stupid to understand this crap . " " You 're not too stupid for anything . " I gave him a stern look . " Let 's have a look . " I opened his book and saw the page on quadratic equations . " I can help you with this , I was pretty good in math . " " Yeah , yeah . " I rolled my eyes and watched as he ran up the stairs . I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes for a second . I was worried that Vincent was going to drop out of community college , and that everything would be for nothing . At 22 , Vincent was one of the oldest freshmen students at River Valley Community College , but I was so proud of him . Even though I had been pushing him for a long time to get a college education , he had ignored me . It was only when he got busted for smoking pot on the beach with some of his friends that he decided to enroll . Thanks to the judge , it was community college or jail . I hadn 't told anyone , but I was glad Vincent had been caught that night . I didn 't want a life of crime for him and Jared . I wanted them to go to school and get out of River Valley . They didn 't need this life . " Okay , back . You ready to teach me , Einstein ? " Vincent ran back into the kitchen . " And I think Jared 's back . I just heard a car door slam and then a car backing out . " " Okay . " I knew there was no point badgering Vincent about Jared . If there was one thing that was true about the Martelli brothers was that we weren 't snitches . " What 's up , bitches ? " Jared sauntered into the house and threw his fingers up in the air . I could tell that he was drunk right away , and I was pissed . " Yeah , and ? " He glared at me , his green eyes daring me to say something . I stared into the eyes that were an exact replica of mine , and I counted to ten . " What do you want ? " I looked around the kitchen and realized that there was no space to make anything , even if I wanted to . " Let 's just order a pizza . " " You sure ? " Jared 's eyes lit up and I pulled him towards me . He was my little brother but he was still taller than me , with his 6 feet and 4 inches . I patted him on the back and let him go . " Tell Logan to go and take it for you . " He wiggled his eyebrows and we all laughed as we sat down at the table . I looked at my brothers and felt at ease ; these were the guys I would give my life for . Even though , I was only 3 years older than Vincent and 4 years older than Jared , I felt a huge responsibility over them . In fact , I often treated them like they were my sons . Ever since our mom died twelve years ago , we had been essentially alone . Dad had only been good for a few things : teaching us how to steal , how to drink , and how to not give a fuck about anyone else . " Shh , Jared , Vincent can do this . And so can you . " I looked at him pointedly , and he gave me such a glazed look , that I knew he wasn 't going to remember this conversation in the morning . " Vincent 's going to become a lawyer so he can keep us out of jail . " Jared laughed . " We only need one college boy in the family , Logan . " " Whoa , hold on . I 'm a far way from law school . " Vincent 's voice was gruff , though I could see the hope in his eyes . Vincent 's dream had always been to go to law school . He had this idea that if he got into the system , he could change it . I didn 't really want him to go become a lawyer , I felt it would distance him from me . But I wanted the best for him . His dreams were important to me , more than my own worries and concerns . I shook my head . " Nah , not this one . " I kept my voice monotone , and jumped up to grab a beer . Marty was an old friend of my dad 's , he ran a mechanic shop in River Valley and always took the cars we gave him . He either used them for parts or sold them through an auto dealer magazine . However , recently he had been paying less and less , and acting shadier and shadier . I think it was because he didn 't like dealing with me . He was used to my dad , who just took the money and shut up . By the end of the night , Marty would have most of the money back , either in his belly as free beer or as winnings from poker night , with my dad and some of their friends . I didn 't participate in either of those activities and Marty wasn 't too happy about it . So now , he offered less and less . In fact , the last time I had taken him a car , he had given me a veiled warning , take the cash offered or the car may make its way to a police parking lot in the middle of the night , and he 'd hate to see them catch the thief due to fingerprints . I took the money instead of socking him in the jaw , because he had his two henchmen next to him . But I knew after that , I couldn 't take another car to him . " I 'll have to see . " My voice was rough and strained . " Anyways , I gotta help Vinny now . You go wait on the pizza and we 'll talk later . " " Yeah . " I nodded in agreement . " Do that . " I watched as Jared walked out of the kitchen , down the hallway , and out the front door , and I let out a deep breath . " He 's shady as fuck , isn 't he ? " Vincent sighed and I saw that his fists were clenched . " You let me deal with him , or all of us can . You , me , Jared , we should go down there and show him that the Martelli brothers don 't play . " " I wasn 't talking about intimidating . " Vincent smiled a wicked smile . " I 'm talking about using him as a punching bag , and not stopping until he cries like a bitch . " " We got enough money for rent next month ? " I could hear the concern in his voice and I was angry . Angry that we were in this position , angry that I hadn 't been able to do anything to make our lives better . " But not much more , huh ? " He sat back , still worried but less stressed . " You think you 'll be able to sell the Toyota ? " " I 'm not going to discuss it again . I 've told you and Jared already . We don 't mess with Joey and his boys . " I heard Vinny and Jared snoring as I walked to the bathroom . The TV was still blaring downstairs , it sounded as if my dad were watching Jerry Springer . I checked my watch and realized it was 4 a . m . It was more likely that he had fallen asleep on the couch with the TV on . I ran down the stairs so I could turn it off , but saw that he was sitting on the couch wide - eyed and staring , as if in a trance . " And you were hers . " I gave him a wide smile , I knew the routine by now . We 'd had this conversation hundreds of times since she had died . " I never wanted to fall in love , " he laughed . " It just kinda hit me , like a deer in the night . Your mother was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen , and I just couldn 't stop thinking about her . " " No . " He shook his head . " She couldn 't . She loved me when she shouldn 't have . But she couldn 't help herself . " " Yeah , some women are crazy . " I shook my head , and an image of Maddie crossed my mind . " Some women are mad . " I laughed at my joke , and looked up to see my father staring at me curiously . " You 've met someone ? " He leaned forward and a beer can fell to the ground . I watched in dismay as the liquid seeped into the already - dirty , tattered , and stained brown carpet . " No one , " I answered quickly with my heart beating fast . I was scared that he would figure it out . That somehow he would be able to read my mind and know . He peered up at me and gave me a sweet smile , a smile that almost reminded me of the man he had been when I was a child . The man my mother had fallen in love with had been a fun , handsome , wonderful man . And then the smile turned into a bitter look and he pointed at me . " You better not fuck around and let this chick take your mind off of what 's important . " " Who you talking to like that ? " He made to get up , and as I stared at his slovenly body , a shudder of distaste ran through me . How I hated this man who was supposed to be my father . It didn 't matter that there were moments of sorrow , and sympathy , and that there were glimpses of the man he used to be . All he was now was a sorry old drunk . I just wanted to walk out the door and never come back . How I hated this place , this town , this house , my life . But it was all I knew . And all I could do , or try to do , was help Vincent and Jared achieve their dreams so they weren 't stuck in this shithole forever , like I was . " I 'm going out . " I looked at my father , who had fallen back against the couch , and I walked to the kitchen quickly and grabbed the keys to the Corolla . It wasn 't smart for me to take this car . It had likely been reported as stolen already , and the police would be sure to be on the lookout . I got all the way to the car before I stopped myself . I couldn 't take the Corolla . I would have to borrow Vincent 's Mustang . I knew he would be pissed , and I knew I just didn 't care . I ran back in , grabbed his keys , and headed back out and started the engine . This 1977 red Mustang was Vincent 's pride and joy , he had restored it himself and paid for all the parts with money he had made delivering pizza in high school . Most people couldn 't believe it when Vincent got the job . They assumed he would just follow my footsteps and be a thief , but I had made him get the job . If he wanted a legitimate car , he had to buy it with legitimate money . The cops were all over us as it was , there was no way he could drive a few weeks in his own car without having a money trail . I started the engine and listened to it purr , before quickly reversing off of the overgrown grass that made up our front yard . I revved the engine and peeled off down the road , rolling the windows down so I could feel the cold fresh air on my face . I didn 't know where I was going and it didn 't even matter . I just needed to be out of the house before I did something I would regret . It had been a long night , and I felt anxious and angry . I hadn 't felt this bad since my mom had died . I was so unsure and screwed up . And it wasn 't because of my dad . It was because of Maddie : stupid , beautiful , wild and crazy Maddie . I didn 't want to think about her , but the memory of her begging me to take her kept playing in my mind like some broken record . The feel of her skin next to mine , so soft and supple , aching for my touch , aroused my thoughts , and an image of her vivid blue - purple eyes flashed in my mind . My God , she was beautiful . Perhaps , one of the most beautiful women I had ever met . And definitely , the most unique . She was definitely a woman who was there to be admired and taken notice of , and she knew it . She was under my skin , she was in my skin , and I wanted to rip her out of me . I 'd only known her one day - not even a day . One night . One night and already she was causing confusion in my life . And she was the enemy . It was as if the car were telling me where to go , I felt like Kit in Knight Rider as I drove towards Manor Road . I knew the way well , as I had taken the exact route so many times . I pulled up to the street about 20 minutes later and parked in the same spot my dad had every time he drove us here . I stared at the house for what seemed like the millionth time . It was so big , and as a child , I had always wondered what people did with houses so big . Did they sleep in a different room every night ? It was so different to what I was accustomed to . So grand and alluring . I wondered what it would be like to live in a place like that . To make enough money to afford a house that rivaled any Beverly Hills mansion . I sat back in the seat with the engine off , and just stared . I thought about all the other times I had been there , and the vitriol my dad had spewed about the mayor and his family . The vitriol that had been the foundation of my hate for Maddie and her family . Only , as I sat there , I found it hard to hate her . " That 's what these worms do , " I berated myself . " These parasites try and pretend to be someone else and then they fuck you over . " I was mad at myself , I was mad that I was wondering and concerned about how Maddie was feeling . I didn 't want to care about how she was feeling . She deserved everything that she got . She was a spoiled bitch . Who tried to find some guy she didn 't know and then sleep with him ? She was crazy . She 's not that crazy and she 's not a bitch , another voice whined inside my head . I jumped out of the car , confused and angry at myself . I grabbed some gravel from the side of the road and ran up to the house , throwing it at the front door . My aim was off and I heard the sound of windows cracking as the small rocks slammed into them . I saw a light come on , and I stood there defiantly . I wasn 't scared and I didn 't care what happened . It was time for me to face the mayor . I needed to let him have it , and I didn 't care if I was arrested in the process . Thank you for reading the 4th teaser from Crazy Beautiful Love . I hope you enjoyed it ! Don 't forget the full book will be out on August 26th ! ! Are you excited ? What did you think of the teaser ? Leave me a comment and let me know ! ! Add Crazy Beautiful Love on Goodreads here . Don 't forget to join my mailing list so you are notified as soon as the book is released ! You can join here ! Maddie didn 't say anything as I drove her back to her house . I was glad for the silence . I ignored her and the pounding in my head and concentrated on the street signs . My heart was also pounding but I convinced myself that was due to my fear of the police catching up with me and not due to what had just happened in the field . " You can just drop me off at the bus stop . " Maddie 's voice was low and pained and I kept driving without saying anything . " Are you going to tell me what I did wrong ? " She paused and then continued after a minute . " Or was this just a bit of fun for you ? " " Then don 't be so easy next time . " I regretted the words as soon as they slipped off of my tongue . I heard her gasp and I knew I had hurt her . But I didn 't want to let her know that I actually respected her for going after what she wanted . I liked that she wasn 't the type of girl to play games . Unfortunately , I knew I couldn 't tell her that . " You were easy too , " her voice was accusing . " But let me guess , because I 'm a girl , it 's an issue . I 'm a slut because I slept with you right away , but you 're a saint , right ? The criminal saint . " " I didn 't call you a slut and I never said I was a saint . " I shook my head and peeked at her . My heart trembled when I saw the confusion and hurt on her face . I felt horrible , but a part of me was happy that she was hurt . She deserved it for what her father had done . I hated her because I hated her whole family . I just wished I hadn 't gotten involved with her in the first place . " Yeah , you do that , wannabe cop car stealer . " I rolled my eyes , though my stomach was a bundle of nerves . What if she said that I tried to steal the cop car , then stole this car and kidnapped her or something ? Girls were crazy , and I didn 't know her from Adam . I cursed under my breath as I felt my sweaty palms on the steering wheel . I had well and truly fucked this up . And then Maddie started laughing , and I looked over at her in surprise . " Me threatening to call the cops on you . " She shook her head . " I wonder if I should tell them about my own attempted theft before or after I rat you out ? " " I 'm not a mystery . You know who I am . Everyone in River Valley does . " I paused and looked at her quickly . " Though , you didn 't go to school here , did you ? " " No , my parents sent me to boarding school in Boston . " She made a face . " They didn 't think that the schools in River Valley would prepare me to go to the best colleges . " " I 'm not going to say . " She shook her head , and I frowned at the sound of her voice . It was a mix between humor and sadness . " Wait , so now you actually know why ? " I slowed down and stopped at the red light , and then looked over at her hard . " I thought you didn 't really know . " " Oh ? " I closed my eyes briefly in worry . Had this been some sort of sting operation ? Shit , my dad would go crazy if I got busted , and especially because of Maddie Wright . I could just imagine how angry he would be , and Vincent and Jared would be worried and scared . " What the fuck is going on , Maddie ? I 'm not one of your college beaus you can twirl around your little finger . You mess with me and I will make sure it 's repaid . Do you hear me ? Your parents warned you about the Martelli Brothers , I 'm sure . And they did that for good reason . You do not know what I 'm capable of . " My voice was low and harsh as I said the words I thought would scare her most . A part of me was sad that I had to play this role , especially with her . For some reason , I didn 't want Maddie to believe the rumors about my family . I didn 't want her to think I was capable of doing really bad things . But it was a bit late for that ; she had met me on the night I had stolen a car . She would never believe I was a good guy inside ; I didn 't even know if I was a good guy inside . " What are you talking about , Logan ? " Maddie 's eyes flashed with anger instead of the fright I had expected to see . " And the light just turned green , so you can go . " " Logan , you 've been watching too many John Wayne and Clint Eastwood movies . " Maddie laughed and leaned back in her seat . " Or maybe The Godfather and Goodfellas ? Did you watch a movie marathon recently ? " " That little talk just now , about me not messing with you . " She laughed . " I 've only known you a few hours , but I know you wouldn 't hurt me . " " Are you stupid , Maddie ? " I sighed as I pressed my foot on the gas . How could she trust me so easily ? Didn 't she know that there were real bad men around who could do her harm ? " You do not know me , no matter what you think . " " Look , Maddie , " I cut her off and pulled over at the end of her street . " This isn 't a romance movie or book , or whatever . There is no happily ever after for us , I don 't know what game you 're playing . I 'm sorry I slept with you . That wasn 't fair to you . But listen to me carefully , we are nothing . I don 't know you , and I don 't care about you . " My eyes blazed into hers and I could see tears welling in them . I broke away from her gaze and looked at the tree - lined street of mansions . I stared at her house , with the colonial columns and the porch swing , and my blood boiled . There was no reason for me to feel sorry for Maddie ; she had everything she could ever want . She was just some silly college girl , caught up in some fantasy of getting with a bad boy . I knew her type . " That 's how you feel ? " Her voice was strong , and I was surprised that she wasn 't crying already . I guess she inherited her backbone from her piece of scum father . " Yes . " I looked back at her and stared at her slightly trembling lips . They looked so pink and luscious , and I could almost feel them on mine ; soft , moist , and sweet . I wanted to pull her towards me and hold her tight . I wanted to kiss her again . Shit , I wanted to take her in the backseat of the car . All I would have to do is throw the baby seat out . " I wish I could say the same . " I turned away from her harshly . Let her hate me . I needed her to hate me . I couldn 't afford for the lines to be blurred . I was already feeling shitty , and I just needed to get away from her . " Wait , what ? " I sat there in shock . " What the fuck is she talking about ? " I cursed at myself as I opened the car door and jumped out . " What do you mean ? " I called after her , as I hurried to keep up with her . She was walking fast and I ran to stop her . She turned around slowly and my heart froze as I saw the tears streaming down her face . She looked up at me , and her cheeks were blotchy . I pulled her towards me subconsciously and held her in my arms . She rested her head on my shoulder and I stroked her hair and buried my face in her black locks . I felt her body pressed mine , and I ignored the stirrings of lust that grew in me . " Why do you hate me ? " She looked up at me with wide eyes , her irises cloudy and unsure . " I don 't get why you 're trying to hurt me . " " You 're not a cruel guy . " She shook her head . " You changed after we had sex . " She sighed . " I guess it 's my fault . " " I didn 't change because we had sex . " I shook my head and rubbed her lower back , pulling her closer to me . " We 're two people who shouldn 't have … " " Shhh . " Her eyebrows crept together . " I don 't want to hear anything about being from opposite sides of the track or whatever . We 're both adults here . Yeah , I know you 're a criminal , a petty criminal . But I also know you 're a smart guy . I know what you do to help others . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about . " I looked away from her . How did she know so much about me ? I thought I had hidden my tracks a lot more carefully . " It doesn 't really matter now . " She pulled away from me . " You 're just a guy , and I 'm just a girl . I know you like to go to the pier to steal cars at night . And you know that I like to watch romance movies . " " I see . " I frowned . If the fact that I liked to steal cop cars at the pier was well known , then I had to choose another spot . " I wanted to see what it felt like to be a car thief . " She shook her head and frowned . " I wanted to be in your head . " " I don 't know . I didn 't think it through properly . I figured maybe you would wonder who the new thief in your territory was , and maybe you 'd come find me . " " Now , who 's watching too many movies ? " I laughed and ran my hands through my hair . " I can 't say I really understand , but I guess I get it . " I looked at her and at that moment , I wished that I could give her a different answer . " No , no I 'm not , " I replied honestly , I didn 't tell her that I wished that circumstances were different . It didn 't matter what I wished , they weren 't now and would never be . " You 're not stupid . " I shook my head , wishing I knew what I could say to make her feel better . My intent had been to hurt her , but now , seeing her crushed and disappointed face , it didn 't feel as good as I had always hoped it would . " Whatever , it was nice finally meeting you , Logan Martelli . " She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and pulled away from me . She walked slowly up to her house and I stood there in impenetrable silence as I watched her walking away from me . I saw her at the front door , and then walked back to the car . I sat in the driver 's seat and stared at the house , unseeing . I didn 't even have to have my eyes open to picture every detail of that house and lawn . I 'd been here so many times , sitting in a car , staring and listening to stories . I 'd hated this street and this house for more than half my life . I 'd hated the family that lived in that house for as long as I could remember . Even though I 'd seen the Mayor and his wife before , I 'd never seen Maddie . We didn 't even know she was called Maddie , we knew her as Maddison . I had hated Maddison Wright and her family with every bone in my body , and now I sat in my car with a ball of confused emotions . Because I didn 't hate Maddie , not even a little bit . I didn 't hate Maddie at all . But there was nothing I could do to ever let Maddie know that . Are you excited for Crazy Beautiful Love ? Leave a comment and let me know ! You can also add the book on Goodreads . Don 't forget to enter my pre - release giveaway here ! " I see a blanket in your hand . It 'll be fine . " She pointed at me , with a small smile . " Do you bring a lot of girls here then ? " " No , and I got the blanket from the backseat . " I shook my head and turned away from her . The truth was , I had never brought another girl here . It was my special place , the place I came to when I wanted to think , and be away from my brothers and my dad . " The stars look so close . " She whispered in hushed tones . " I didn 't think the sky could look any prettier than it does down by the pier , but it is gorgeous here . " " I 'm joking , Logan . " Her voice was suddenly serious . " I 'm sorry if you think I forced you to bring me here tonight . You can take me home , if you 're scared I 'm going to get you in trouble . " The irony of the situation hit me once again . She was worried she was going to get me in trouble ? " Let 's not talk about our crimes of the evening . " I said lightly . " Sounds good to me . " She stumbled and I grabbed a hold of her to make sure she didn 't fall . My hands slid around her waist , and I brought her in close to me to steady her . She looked up at me in thanks , and I was overcome with an emotion that I was unfamiliar with . " I 'll be okay . " She spoke lightly and ran ahead slightly . I felt slightly disappointed that she was no longer holding on to my arm . I missed the feel of her hand on my body . " I 'm sure you 'll tell me when to stop . " She started running faster , and I watched as her long legs sprinted in front of me , and her hair flew behind her . Her strides were long and she had perfect form as she ran ; I realized that she must have run track at some point in her life . " Hold on , " I ran behind her and tried to catch up with her . She paused for a second and looked back at me . I saw the same twinkle in her eye that I had seen earlier that evening . " Catch me , if you can . " She laughed and went running again . She increased her pace and I doubled up my efforts to catch her . It took about a minute of running for me to finally catch up with her , and I grabbed a hold of her waist and we both went crashing down to the ground , as I couldn 't stop my momentum . " That 's what my dad says . " She smiled into my face , and she rolled over on top of me . " You really do look like James Dean . " " Because you taste like sin . " She winked at me and pressed her lips against mine softly . I reached up and pulled her head down towards mine and crushed her lips against mine . I rolled her over on to her back and straddled her , pushing my tongue into her mouth as I pinned her arms back , so that she couldn 't move . Her eyes widened at the pressure of me against her I grinned against her lips . She had no idea who she was dealing with . My tongue explored her mouth as she wiggled beneath me and I kissed her harder , sucking on her tongue as she struggled to move her arms . I winked at her , and finally released them and she ran her fingers through my hair and down my back , allowing her fingernails to dig into my skin . I ran my hand through her hair , and down the side of her face , before moving my tongue from her mouth and licking down her chin to her neck . I allowed my tongue to trail down her neck to her chest and she stilled beneath me as my fingers ran up her stomach and settled on her right breast . I paused , and moved my mouth over to her left breast , and I bit down on her hard nipple through her tank top as my fingers played with her other breast . I could hear her panting beneath me , and she moved underneath me . I ran my fingers down from her breast to her stomach , and then to her thighs . I ran my fingers lightly up her inner thigh , and then stopped and sat up . " Me , or any guy ? " I stared at her pointedly . As much as I wanted to take her , I knew that I couldn 't . She didn 't seem like the sort of girl that knew the score . And as much as I didn 't care if she got hurt , I just couldn 't go forward . I didn 't bother asking myself why , I didn 't want to know . " I 'm not a whore you know . " She stared at me , with pleading eyes . " I don 't just go around having one - night stands . " " You wanted to know what it was like to be with a bad boy ? " I ran my hands through my hair . " Time to experiment with a bit of rough ? " " Earlier , I was talking about your looks . " She reached out and stopped me . " Now , I 'm talking about personality . You say you 're a bad boy , but a bad boy would have fucked me with no hesitation just now . " " Is that what you want me to do ? " I looked at her through narrow eyes . " Do you want me to bend you over and fuck you and take you home ? " " Yes , no . " She mumbled , and I laughed as I saw the hope , and eagerness in her eyes , followed by the shock . " I mean , yes , I want to sleep with you , but I don 't want you to take my home afterwards . " " Oh , you 'd rather we talk about our dreams and goals after ? " I cocked my head to the side and looked at her in consideration . " Shall we talk about our plans for the future after ? Maybe about my goal to go to law school , and your goal to become President ? Hmm , yes , that sounds like a good idea . " " Maddie , we barely met tonight . You don 't want to get to know me . You want a hot fuck in a field with the towns bad boy , so you can go and tell all your friends . " " Tell me you don 't want me . " She grabbed a hold of my hand , and moved even closer to me . " Tell me , you don 't want to feel yourself inside of me . " " You 've been watching too many porno 's , Maddie . " I looked at her with a wry smile . " I 've never heard anyone use those phrases in real life . " " Shouldn 't I be the one saying that ? " I could barely believe my ears . This girl was crazier than I had given her credit for . " I wouldn 't go around saying that to every guy you meet . " " So why me ? " I looked at her , and my heart skipped a beat . I knew I was falling under her spell . And I didn 't want to . I wanted to be anywhere but here , with anyone but her . " You say that like it 's a good thing . " I rolled my eyes . " Haven 't you heard , good girls like you are meant to stay away from me ? " " Why are you here , Maddie ? " I sighed as I stared at her lips . I wasn 't going to be able to resist her much longer . " I don 't know . " She stepped back , and I was loathe to lose her closeness . " I like you . I 'm attracted to you . I want to know the real you . " " You 're famous in this town . " She pushed me in the chest slightly . " And , you know what , I don 't care what people say about you . " " No , it 's not . " She laughed . " I know that many people aren 't as inspired by history as I am . What did you study ? " " No , " I shook my head annoyed . " I barely graduated from high school . " I lied , not wanting her to know that I graduated with a 3 . 8 GPA , and a number of college credits from dual enrollment classes . " No , " she looked taken aback . " I was just curious , seeing as how we just met , you know . " Her voice trailed off and I stifled a curse . Since when was she so sensitive ? " Look Maddie , I don 't know you and you don 't know me . Let 's just spend the night staring at the stars , and leave it at that . I 'm not down for any deep conversations . I don 't need to be analyzed by some college girl . " " I think you have a problem with me . " Her words were soft but I could hear the edge in her words . " You 're pretending that you think I have an issue with you , because you 're Logan Martelli . Woo , I 'm scared I 'm with the big bad Logan Martelli , eldest brother in a family of criminals . I 'm so scared . You 're going to steal a car and then have your wicked way with me . Uh oh . Even though , I can 't even get you to make out with me for longer than a few minutes . The issue we have here isn 't what I think of you , which by the way is not much , and that has nothing to do with the rumors about you in town . The issue we have here is that I 'm a girl , and I 'm rich , and I 'm college educated , and I 'm forward and you don 't like that . You don 't like that a girl like me is confident to tell you that she wants you . You 're scared that I 'm going to emasculate you . You 're scared that I 'm going to be a better thief than you . You 're … " I watched Maddie ramble on incensed and pulled her towards me . " Oh , shut up . " I growled at her before pressing my lips down on hers again . " Just shut up . " I whispered against her mouth , and this time it was she that pushed her tongue into my mouth first . We kissed passionately ; as if it was the last kiss that either of us would ever have on earth . I ran my hands down her back and grabbed her ass , and pulled her into me , so that she could feel my arousal against her stomach . I squeezed her asscheeks and enjoyed the feel of her firm butt against my hands . She pushed her breasts against my chest and I felt her hands in my hair . I opened my eyes , and saw her gazing into mine , with a sparkly glint . She was loving every second of our encounter , and it crossed my mind that she had deliberately wound me up , she had wanted me to take control of the situation and just shut her up . All of a sudden , I felt even more aroused and I brought her down to the ground with me . If this was what she wanted , who was I to say no ? " Oh , Logan . " She moaned against my mouth , as I slipped my hand up her shirt and cupped her breast over her bra . I slipped my fingers into her bra - cup and pinched her nipples , delighting in the sound of her groan at the contact of my skin on hers . " I 'll take it off when I 'm ready . " I gave her a direct warning look . " If we 're going to do this , we 'll do it as , I say . " " Lay down . " I watched as she lay back on the ground and smiled , before leaning down and taking her naked breast in my mouth . I almost groaned as I tasted her . Her nipple tasted sweet , and I suckled on it as if it were the sweetest confectionary . Maddie shifted underneath me , and I saw her legs spread as if giving me the signal that she were ready for another area to be serviced . All in good time , I thought to myself . I moved my mouth over to her other breast and she cried out and as I nibbled on her now extremely hard nipple . I felt her hands on my back , and I knew she was pulling my teeshirt up . I paused , not ready for her to take my shirt off . I shifted , and grabbed her arms and pinned them back on either side of her head . " Okay , " she smiled up at me sweetly . I couldn 't resist her smile , this stupid girl had no idea who she was messing around with . Part of me felt sorry for her , and the other part of me felt sorry for myself . One of us was going to get really hurt . I could already see the heartache , there was no where for anything to go between us . It didn 't matter if we were both drawn to each other like moth 's like a flame . It didn 't matter that we had only met that evening . I knew that she couldn 't resist me , because I couldn 't resist her . There was some magnetic pull drawing us together . I 'd known it as soon as our eyes had locked earlier . But I wouldn 't have pursued it or her . Liar , a voice in my head called out , why did you pull over then ? You were hoping to see her . You were hoping with every fiber in your being . " Kiss me . " She leaned up , and I blinked again , and saw her staring up at me with beautiful , open and shining eyes . Shit , there was an emotion there that I didn 't want to see . " Kiss me . " I reached down and pulled my shirt off and threw it on the ground . I saw her eyes widen in shock at the huge scar on my abdomen and as she opened her mouth to talk , I reached down to kiss her . I didn 't want to talk about the scar . My chest crushed down on her breasts as we kissed and rolled around , my fingers trailed down her stomach and I crept my fingers down to the top of her jeans , and undid the button . I looked up at her to make sure it was okay and she nodded . I undid the button quickly , and then unzipped her jeans and pulled them off . I stared at her in wonder , she looked like a beautiful angel beckoning to me in only a pair of black lace panties . I ran my fingers in - between her legs and she gasped as I slipped them into her panties . I grinned as I felt her wetness , she was as ready for this as I was . I didn 't hesitate as I felt her hands on my button and I allowed her to unbutton my jeans before I yanked them off and sat there in my boxers . She reached her hand into the hole in my boxers and grabbed a hold of me cautiously . She grinned as she felt my hardness in her hands , and I smiled at her before her pushing her back down on the ground . I positioned myself in - between her legs , so that she could feel my hardness next to her . She moaned , and we rolled around in the grass , touching and exploring each other 's bodies . Within a few minutes , her panties and my boxers were also off and I looked down at her with a question in my eyes . " I 've never been more sure . " She nodded and pulled me down . " Fuck me , Logan . " She whispered in my ear seductively , as she arched her back up to me . I couldn 't take it any longer , and I centered myself at her entrance and pushed myself inside of her . She cried out , as I entered her and I moved slowly at first , but I just couldn 't hold back and I increased my pace , so that I could feel her enclosed tightly around me . She scratched my back and I felt her body shuddering underneath mine as she came . " Logan , " she screamed over and over again and I felt my body spark with electricity before I burst into her and collapsed next to her , as I slowly withdrew myself from her . I lay flat on my back and she leaned over and rested her head on my chest , her fingers trailing along my chest . I saw her staring at my scar and she ran her fingers down and touched it gingerly . I saw her glance up at me , to make sure it was okay , and I nodded and played with her hair . " You shouldn 't be sleeping with random men the first night you meet them . " I turned to her , and caressed her breast as I told her off . " It 's not safe . " " You don 't want a record . " I lectured her , and realized the irony of my words . " You have your whole life ahead of you . " " If you hate crime so much , why do you steal ? " She spoke earnestly , and I looked at this girl , I had only known for a few hours and I laughed . No one had ever seen me for who I was in my whole life . Or asked me such a question . " I don 't know you , Maddie . " I scowled . " We had sex , that 's it . We didn 't become best friends . I 'm not going to divulge all my secrets in some post - coital bliss . " " You weren 't complaining ten minutes ago . " She ran her finger down the side of my face . " And don 't you dare call me a slut or easy . " " No , Logan . " She laughed hard . " Though , if I was , I would be devastated by your comments . I was about to say , this is my first one - night stand , or the first time I 've had sex on the first night I met a guy . " " Really ? " I looked at her with a disbelieving gaze . " I 'm not calling you a liar , but you were pretty forward for someone whose never done this before . " " You keep saying that . " She stared at me thoughtfully . " Though , I suppose others would agree . I can see the headlines now , ' Mayor 's daughter has sex romp with town criminal ' . " " I need to take you home . " I jumped up . " You need to go home , now . " I picked up her clothes and threw them at her . " Get dressed . " " I have to take you home , now . " I felt a headache coming on , and I avoided Maddie 's gaze . I never should have pulled over . I knew it had been a mistake to bring her here . I just hoped it wasn 't going to bite me in the ass . I grabbed my stuff , and ignored the slight pang I felt as I realized the reality of the situation . I could never see , Maddie again . I had only known her for one night , but I already knew that she was going to be someone I 'd have a hard time forgetting . I like to clear my mind at night , so I usually go for a long walk down by the pier . It 's not my favorite spot , but it 's easy to blend into the crowds of people there . I 'm unassuming in a crowd ; no one looks at me too hard or too suspiciously . At the pier , I 'm just another guy . No one 's whispering that I look like one of the Martelli Brothers . No one 's pointing and saying " I think that 's Logan Martelli , " in awe - struck tones as if I were Al Capone or some mafia boss . It 's laughable how many people know me , or of me . I almost feel famous , but not in the good way . That 's the problem with living in a small town like River Valley . I stared out at the water and studied the moonlit ripples as they flowed and ebbed . There was a certain magic in the water that entranced me . Maybe , it was because the water didn 't lie . What you saw reflected in her silvery murky depths was what you got . Like tonight , the moon glowed in all its ominous glory , and there was nothing hidden . The same thing couldn 't be said of human beings . There were always so many secrets , hidden inside , that weren 't reflected in the seemingly happy and perfect surfaces . I looked around at the couples holding hands , and saw Roger Martin walking with his girlfriend Bella Casey . She was giggling up at him , and he was grinning at her lovingly . Anyone watching them would think that they were deeply in love , only I knew better . Roger was a barely able to keep it together drunk and Bella was in love with my brother , Vincent . She called him , and stalked him so many times that she was lucky that he was a Martelli . Martelli 's didn 't go to the police and file restraining orders ; and even if we did , the police would laugh in our faces . I turned to look at the water again , when I saw a glimpse of someone darting by me . And when I say dart , I mean running like lightening . I watched as the figure looked back quickly , and , I was startled by the intense blue eyes that connected with mine for the briefest second . It wasn 't the stare that shook me but the fact that it was a girl , she winked at me and continued running and I stood there and watched as two policemen rushed past me and ran after her . I wasn 't the only one who noticed the chase that was happening , people everywhere were stopping and gaping , whispering ferociously . Everyone wanted to know what was going on , and I had to admit I was curious as well . Why were the police chasing a girl ? She wasn 't anyone I knew , and I knew most of the bad folks in the town . I saw old man Roberts hobbling up to a couple a few feet away from me , and his face was red and animated . " He tried to steal a cop car , " he gasped out . " He got in the car , and drove off , but he wasn 't smart enough to … " " Well , I don 't know . But I bet it was Logan Martelli . " Old man Roberts voice was loud and I clenched my fist , of course I would get the blame . If it wasn 't me , it would be one of my brothers : Vincent or Jared . I wanted to laugh at the irony . I would love to steal a cop car , for all their harassment against my family , but I 'd never been brave enough . Not like this girl , whoever she was . Poor girl . I shook my head , as I walked back up the pier . There was no way she wouldn 't get caught . There was no way she could outrun two guys . Especially , on a night like tonight when the pathways were so packed with people . What a poor choice of locale , didn 't she know you needed to pick a place where you wouldn 't be seen , and where you could have a clean get - away when you stole a car ? I laughed to myself as I cut across the pathway and headed to the parking lot . Though , I should thank her , she 'd made it easier for me tonight . I spotted the black Toyota Corolla and walked over to it slowly , and casually , running my hands through my dark blond hair . I couldn 't stop myself from grinning . Tonight 's take was going to be easy . I pulled out my lock pick and glanced around casually to make sure no one was coming . I tried the different keys , almost laughing as the third one opened the door . I loved Toyota 's . Always so easy to break into . I got into the car quickly , and closed the door . I reached over to the glove compartment , and opened it , to see if my luck was going to continue . It was . I felt the spare key in fingers and pulled it out quickly and started the car . I reversed and pulled out of the parking lot , laughing once again at my good luck . Thanks to good ol ' blue eyes , this was the easiest car I had ever stolen . Nobody would be expecting it , not when they thought I was being chased down by the police at that very moment . I turned on the radio as I pulled into the main road , and listened to the smooth sounds of Kenny G on the saxophone playing through the tinny speakers . I sighed , as the speakers strained as I turned the sound up . That was the problem with these cheap cars , they just didn 't stand up to the more expensive cars . I never stole expensive cars with better stereo - systems , it wasn 't worth it . Expensive cars were too hard to pass on . People became more paranoid about buying a Mercedes or BMW without papers , but I didn 't mind , I still did well with the Toyotas and Hondas . I cruised down Main Street and thought about the girl who had tried to steal the cop car . I could still picture the look in her eyes , in the quick glance we had exchanged . She had looked excited and scared , and I could sense the exhilaration and adrenaline coursing through her body . It was the same exhilaration I used to feel when I started stealing cars with my dad ten years ago . The fear of getting caught mingled with the excitement of doing something bad was better than any drug ; at least it used to be . I was distracted from driving as I saw something or someone running down the street . I pulled over to the side of the street and started driving slower to see who or what was running . I knew I was being dumb , I couldn 't afford to get caught in this car . I needed to keep going , but something in me had to know . A part of me thought it might be the girl again , but I knew that there was no way it could be the girl from the pier . There was no way she could have run all this way , this quickly . I heard the sirens before I saw the lights and I cursed as I saw the cop cars speeding down the street . I pulled over quickly , turned off the engine and the lights and crouched down in my seat , hoping that they were looking for the girl , and didn 't know about the stolen Toyota as yet . I laughed as I crouched down at the irony . They most probably they were chasing me anyway . Stupid cops ! " Open the door . " She hissed at me loudly . I stared at her in shock . What was she doing ? Was she crazy ? She didn 't even know me . I pressed the unlock button and she jumped into the car . " Shit , you took long enough to open the door . " " What are you doing ? " I couldn 't take my eyes off of her . It was definitely the same girl . I would recognize her vivid blue - purple eyes anywhere . She was actually more beautiful than I remembered . She had long black hair and her skin was flushed red . She was wearing tight black jeans and a tight black tank top . Her chest was heaving and I could tell she was out of breath . " I don 't even know you . I wasn 't following you . " I shook my head in disgust . " And , why would you get in a car with someone who was following you ? Are you dumb ? " I stared at her , not sure what to say . I swallowed hard as I stared at the naked length of her neck and chest . I turned away , upset with myself for being turned on by this crazy , yet beautiful girl . " Logan . " I bit out , waiting for the inevitable recognition . The widening eyes , that would turn her half - smile to a frown , and the worry that would cross her mind when she realized who she was with . " Why do I look like a Brandon ? " I felt like laughing , this was turning into one of the weirdest nights I had ever had . And Maddie seemed to be living up to her name , she was quite mad , to be sitting here in a car , with me , a guy she didn 't know . " Cos you 're hot . " She giggled and leaned towards me . " I 'm not coming onto you or anything . I 'm sure plenty of girls come onto you and say that . But I 'm not one of those girls . But you 're hot . Like James Dean . " " You 've got that air about you . " She nodded . " Definitely a James Dean look : dark blond hair , shimmering and hooded green eyes , slight stubble , and you look like trouble . " " I know right , it 's ironic . " She laughed . " Here I am , running from the cops , and you 're here sitting in your car , and I 'm saying you 're trouble . " " Yeah . " She sat up and I think the seriousness of the moment finally hit her because her body froze and she looked at me carefully with an extremely worried expression . " Shit . Shit . Shit . " She cussed under her breath , and she stared at me with wide eyes . " No longer seeming like you made a good decision tonight ? " I asked her softly . I knew that she was experiencing the crash . The adrenaline and excitement was fading now and she was starting to feel panicky , and worried . " I don 't know what I was thinking , " she bit her bottom lip . " I was just walking and I saw the cop car , and something just came over me . " She shook her head . " I 'm going to be in deep trouble . " " For fun ? " She made a face . " You probably think I 'm a horrible person right ? I wouldn 't blame you if you decided to call the cops on me . " " Yeah ? " She leaned towards me . Her eyes looked even more purple up close . I could smell her minty breath on my lips , and I had a sudden urge to kiss her . We stared at each other for a few seconds , and I studied her eyelashes . They highlighted her eyes and I wanted to feel them against my cheek , to see if they were as soft as they looked . " Then what ? " She looked puzzled and I watched as realization hit her . " You weren 't following me , were you ? " She sat back and looked dazed . " Shit , you pulled over because of the cops ? You , you stole this car ? " Her voice sounded amazed and loud . I didn 't look at her because I didn 't want to see the reproach in her eyes . I knew what people like her were like , it was okay for them to commit crimes because it was just for fun . But when it came to people like me , it was a big deal . It was a bad thing . A really bad thing . " A mental institute ? " Her eyes glittered as she stared at me . " Maybe . " She laughed even harder and gasped out , " Maybe I should be in one , indeed . " " Why aren 't you jumping out of the car ? I 'm a bad guy . " I looked at her unsmiling . This wasn 't a joke . Maddie made me uncomfortable , and I didn 't like feeling uncomfortable . " Where do you live ? " I studied the road ahead of me . I didn 't understand this girl . Why didn 't she have more common sense ? " Are you attracted to me , Logan ? " She pressed her fingers against my arm , and I turned to look at her quickly . She was giving me a sultry look , and I almost did a double take . What was going on here ? " Let me take you home . " I gritted my teeth , and ignored the stirrings of lust in my pants . It would not be a good idea to take Maddie home . She was trouble , I could sense it in my bones . They didn 't come any crazier than Maddie . Yes , she was beautiful , and yes , she was fearless , but she was not someone I needed in my life . My breath caught as she said my whole name and I looked at her with suspicion . Had she known who I was the whole time ? " How did you know who I was ? " " Who doesn 't know the Martelli family in River Valley ? " She spoke matter - of - factly . " I mean , I only just figured it out a few minutes ago . You don 't look like I pictured . " " So can I . Please . " Her voice broke . " I don 't want to go home tonight . I don 't want to answer any questions . " " I can 't take you back to my place . " I shook my head . There was no way I was taking this girl back to my house . Not only would my dad and brothers wonder what was going on , it would go against my own rules . I never brought women back to our place . It was something I had never done . And I wasn 't about to start with her . " You think I 'm pitiful don 't you ? " Her voice cracked and I could barely hear her as her face was pressed against the window . " You think I 'm just this beautiful girl , with nothing better to do , than just steal cars for fun . And now , I 'm practically begging you to be with me , and your disgusted with me . Do you think I 'm crazy ? " " I can 't believe you said that . " She turned towards me laughing . " I guess the pity act doesn 't work on you , does it ? " " Shhh . " She leaned over to me , and kissed my cheek . Her hand reached up to my face , and she twisted my face towards her and I felt her lips press down on mine . Her lips were soft and firm as she kissed me , and I felt a warm surge of electricity run through me . She pulled back after a few seconds , and I sat there immobile . She sat back in her seat and smiled to herself . " I live on Manor Road , you can take me there , or we can go somewhere else . Your choice . " I stared ahead and didn 't answer her . My mind was spinning with questions . She lived on Manor Road ? That meant she was rich , really rich . The sort of rich that made the Forbes richest people in the world list . What was she doing trying to steal a cop car ? And what was she doing with the likes of me ? And how brazen was she to kiss me ? I grinned to myself as I thought about the kiss , I could still taste her on my lips . She was trouble , plain and simple . The only possible outcome to this evening was to take her home . Take her home and never see her again . I 'd warn her that a life of crime wasn 't the way to get attention from her rich parents . Obviously , she was crying out for attention . Maybe her daddy worked too many hours , and her mom was too busy servicing the pool boy and getting her hair done . Maddie was lost and crying out for help . I couldn 't do anything to help her . Not a damn thing . She didn 't need to get messed up with a Martelli . I stared straight ahead and pressed my foot on the gas , ignoring the thumping of my heart , and the heat in my face and pants . Maddie was not the girl for me . I wanted nothing to do with some rich girl who was looking for a joy ride . I could sense the exact moment the grin spread on Maddie 's face . As I passed Manor Road and kept driving , I wondered what I was doing . But I ignored the niggling thoughts in my mind . I 'd worry about everything tomorrow . Tonight was special , it was crazy , it was beautiful , it was full of wonder . Tonight , I was going to just be with Maddie , and tomorrow I 'd worry about all the other shit . I love to read and write . I started blogging after several friends told me I would be good at it and I should share my passion for reading with others . I am so excited to have two blogs today . I have a YA Blog named A Diary Of A book Addict http : / / adiaryofabookaddict . blogspot . com / and I have a New Adult Blog called Kaidans Seduction http : / / kaidansseduction . blogspot . com / |
A few years ago Jonah and I were in my car together on our way to somewhere , probably Target , probably so that he could talk me into buying him toys . He was in the back seat and being unusually quite for a little boy who can talk a blue streak . It was summer time , and the air conditioning in my car wasn 't working very well , and for a second I was scared that Jonah had lost consciousness in the heat . " Jonah , are you ok ? " " Yeah , I 'm just sitting here . I 'm thinking about my enemies . " What ? ! Enemies ? ! And then he started listing them off , including a cousin who , in order to protect the child , I 'll call Jack . I said , in an attempt to be the good aunt , something about Jesus wanting us to be nice to and love everyone . " Oh , but I hate Jack ! " So much for my teaching moment . It took all I had not to laugh . It 's important not to laugh out loud at the kids when they are being so serious . I have , though , told that story a thousand times and laughed at it ever since . Jonah turned 8 years old this month , and his baptism is this coming Saturday . A couple of days ago I was talking to my dad on the phone , and mentioned Jonah 's baptism , and Dad said , " Did you tell him that if he 's going to be baptized then he needs to forgive his enemies ? " I had not ! I did talk to him about giving up his toy addiction , and he assured me that that didn 't need to happen until he turned 12 , so he 's good there . I probably should ask him about his enemies , just to make sure that his conscious is clean before Saturday . Although , I 'm sure that Jonah is the good guy in these scenarios , kind of like Batman and the Joker . No one ever tells Batman that it 's time to forgive . Luke 1 : 26 - 3226 And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee , named Nazareth , 27 To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph , of the house of David ; and the virgin 's name was Mary . 28 And the angel came in unto her , and said , Hail , thou that art highly favoured , the Lord is with thee : blessed art thou among women . 29 And when she saw him , she was troubled at his saying , and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be . 30 And the angel said unto her , Fear not , Mary : for thou hast found favour with God . 31 And , behold , thou shalt conceive in thy womb , and bring forth a son , and shalt call his name JESUS . 32 He shall be great , and shall be called the Son of the Highest : and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David : It 's 9 : 22 am . My brain doesn 't start to function , not well anyway , until after 10 , so this might be a little fuzzy . We will press on , nevertheless , with a Week in Review . A Big Girl BedI got a new bed . Actually , it 's a hand - me - down bed from Barry and Melody . They bought a new bedroom set , very nice , and asked me if I wanted their old bed . I said , " Yes I do ! " I have slept in a twin size bed all of my life . Since leaving the craddle I 've been in a twin . Friends and family have over the years told me that it was time for a big girl bed , but they cost some money , and I 've always had a small room in all of my different aparments and homes , so it just didn 't seem practical . And , I 'm a good sleeper . It ' nearly impossible for me to get up in the morning out of my tiny , not so comfy bed . If I had a good one I 'd NEVER get out of it , and then I 'd loose my job and have to face all kinds of dire consequences . Then Melody offered me their bed for free , and I was so excited . Maybe a queen size has been my heart 's secret desire all of this time ? That must be because it was happy . Barry brought it all over last Friday and set it up for me . Big wood frame , box spring , and a giant pillow - top mattress . I mean giant . He warned me that the bed was pretty big , and suggested that we just put the box spring and mattress on the floor , but I wanted the nice frame , so he put it all together . When he finally threw the mattress on top I was stunned ! It 's huge ! Honestly , this thing is so tall - more than waist high , almost chest high . I laughed every time I looked at it . What a ridiculously big bed ! I feel like the princess and the pea . I get into this bed by first stepping up on the wood frame , and then climbing in from there . I 'm considering setting up a mini - tramp . There is some room on the floor , and then I could get a running start , hit the tramp , and do a tuck and roll into bed . Nice . Until then , I 'll be climbing up from the frame . Once in , though , it is so , so comfortable . And I bought some Egyptian cotton sheets - heavenly . Absolute heavePosted by I like all of the recommendations that go on this time of year . It 's fun to read about products that others have fallen in love with . I 'd like to do a list of my own , but being a working girl , I don 't do much cooking or homemaking . I 'm not a techno - geek , nor do I have a wide , unique range of musical tastes . But , there are two things I do know - books and make up . On these I can talk at length . Makeup is such a personal thing . I can 't guarantee that you will love what I love . Every girl has to find her own regime . But I will say this - Estee Lauder 's Idealist is the best thing I 've ever done for my skin ; Laura Mercier lipstick is worth every penny , and I would die without Clinique 's gentle eye makeup remover every night . Books are just as personal as makeup , really . Still , I feel more confident making this list . Here are some that I 've read over the last few years that have stuck with me . 1 . " A Christmas Carol " by Charles Dickens . I 've said it before and I 'll say it again - EVERYONE should read A Christmas Carol . I don 't care how many times you 've seen the movie / musical / play , it has to be read . I couldn 't believe how much was in the book the first time I read it , or how powerful its message is . Dickens creates scenes , thoughts , feelings that can 't be translated into a movie . Read the book . 2 . " Atonement " by Ian McEwan . This story isn 't nearly as happy as A Christmas Carol . It 's sad , actually , but a great reading experience . It 's about a wealthy family in England in the 1930s , and the son of their housekeeper , Robbie . The family has a son and two daughters , Cecilia and Briony . Cecilia and Robbie are in love , and just beginning their relationship . Briony witnesses a crime , and accuses Robbie . The events of this one night change all three lives irrevocably . What I love about this story is how it sunk into my head and wouldn 't leave me alone . I thought about it for weeks . I still think about it sometimes . The writing is great , and the characters , especially Briony , are so deepPosted by Helaman 14 : 1 - 4 1 And now it came to pass that Samuel , the Lamanite , did prophesy a great many more things which cannot be written . 2 And behold , he said unto them : Behold , I give unto you a sign ; for five years more cometh , and behold , then cometh the Son of God to redeem all those who shall believe on his name . 3 And behold , this will I give unto you for a sign at the time of his coming ; for behold , there shall be great lights in heaven , insomuch that in the night before he cometh there shall be no darkness , insomuch that it shall appear unto man as if it was day . 4 Therefore , there shall be one day and a night and a day , as if it were one day and there were no night ; and this shall be unto you for a sign ; for ye shall know of the rising of the sun and also of its setting ; therefore they shall know of a surety that there shall be two days and a night ; nevertheless the night shall not be darkened ; and it shall be the night before he is born . Merry Christmas ! The season is in full swing . Are you frazzled yet ? Hopefully not so much so that you 've gone cross - eyed and can 't read , because I 'm doing A Week in Review . Would you believe it ? I got into a car accident . It was minor . I 'm not hurt . My car is a little dented , and my psyche freaked , but I 'm ok . It happened after Christmas devotional . The whole day had been great . Church was good , I had a nice afternoon , nap included , and then the devotional was wonderful . We had good seats down close to the stage . In fact , we were close enough to get on TV ! Here 's the link if you 're interested . We 're along the bottom of the screen during the first chorus of " The First Noel " . After devotional I walked around Temple Square to see the lights and the nativity , and then slowly made my way back to the parking lot . It was all so beautiful . My little heart felt warm and happy . Driving through town I realized that I was pretty hungry , and then remembered that I hadn 't gotten to the store on Saturday , and had literally nothing at home to eat . Maybe a drive - thru ? No , it 's Sunday , and I was just at the First Presidency Devotional . But I really was hungry , so I caved and went to McDonalds . I pulled into the parking lot and saw a car backing out of its space up ahead of me , so I stopped to let it pull out and go . While sitting there , I saw out of the corner of my eye something coming right at me . It was big and dark , and I went for my horn , but it was too late , bam - right into my door . My first thoughts , " It was such a good day . I knew I shouldn 't have come here . " We did the exchange of information . Luckily the other party has insurance . We didn 't bother with the police ( I later learned that they probably wouldn 't have come to a parking lot anyway ) . The people were nice about giving me their names and number , so I just took that and left . They did ask that I get an estimate on the damage and then call them before calling the insurance company because they might want to pay for it out of pocket . OkPosted by I 've often thought about Joseph , Mary 's husband . He must have been a remarkable man , very good , very loving , very faithful . Adoption has played a big part in my family , my sister and two nephews are mine through adoption . From this perspective , it 's very sweet to think of Jesus being raised by an adopted father . Not his actual father , but a man who took on this child , and his mother , and gave them a family . Here is the dream that Joseph had while trying to decide what to do after learning that Mary was having a baby . Matthew 1 : 20 - 2520 But while he thought on these things , behold , the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream , saying , Joseph , thou son of David , fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife : for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost . 21 And she shall bring forth a son , and thou shalt call his name JESUS : for he shall save his people from their sins . 22 Now all this was done , that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet , saying , 23 Behold , a virgin shall be with child , and shall bring forth a son , and they shall call his name Emmanuel , which being interpreted is , God with us . 24 Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him , and took unto him his wife : 25 And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son : and he called his name JESUS . I got a message from my brother in Rochester , MN today saying that they watched the broadcast of the Chirstmas Devotional and saw us on TV ! It 's funny because Mariah and I were discussing what we could do to ensure that we got on TV , like stand up and sing along with the choir , every time , but in the end we chickened out . Looks like we got on anyway . I 'm going to see if I can watch the recording on the Church website . Here is todays Christmas Countdown Scripture : 1 Nephi 11 : 14 - 2314 And it came to pass that I saw the heavens open ; and an angel came down and stood before me ; and he said unto me : Nephi , what beholdest thou ? 15 And I said unto him : A virgin , most beautiful and fair above all other virgins . 16 And he said unto me : Knowest thou the condescension of God ? 17 And I said unto him : I know that he loveth his children ; nevertheless , I do not know the meaning of all things . 18 And he said unto me : Behold , the virgin whom thou seest is the mother of the Son of God , after the manner of the flesh . 19 And it came to pass that I beheld that she was carried away in the Spirit ; and after she had been carried away in the Spirit for the space of a time the angel spake unto me , saying : Look ! 20 And I looked and beheld the virgin again , bearing a child in her arms . 21 And the angel said unto me : Behold the Lamb of God , yea , even the Son of the Eternal Father ! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw ? 22 And I answered him , saying : Yea , it is the love of God , which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men ; wherefore , it is the most desirable above all things . 23 And he spake unto me , saying : Yea , and the most joyous to the soul . Hello All , Last night my family and I went to the First Presidency 's Christmas Devotional . It was gorgeous . We 've gone every year for as long as I 've worked at the COB , and it 's become a Christmas highlight . I love it . The Choir always performs at devotional along with the Orchestra at Temple Square . Last night they did " For Unto Us a Child is Born " , which is in my opinion one of the best songs ever to be performed live , that and " The Hallelujah Chorus " . Both give me chills . I was thinking about the words to that song . As you know , they come from the book of Isaiah and his prophecies about Christ . It made me wonder about other Christmas prophecies , and then I thought , " Let 's find one every day from now until Christmas Day and put them on the blog . " What a good idea ! So , here 's the first , the one from Isaiah , made so beautiful by Handel : Isaiah 9 : 6 - 7 : " For unto us a child is born , unto us a son is given : and the government shall be upon his shoulder : and his name shall be called Wonderful , Counsellor , The mighty God , The everlasting Father , The Prince of Peace . ' Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end . . . " Hello Everybody ! I 'm told that this is the most wonderful time of the year , and what better way to put an exclamation point on that sentiment than with a blog post ? Here 's a Week in Review . Candlelight ChristmasMarla and I discovered a Salt Lake City gem - Candlelight Christmas at This is the Place Heritage Park . It 's beautiful . Everyone I 've told about this since being there has said that they didn 't know that the park had a Christmas event , so I 'm on a mission to get the word out . It 's a great evening . All of the buildings and homes are decorated with an old fashioned , classic theme , lots of evergreen branches , red ribbons and lights . I 'm pretty sure that the early settlers did not have electric light displays , but you can see the danger in combining candles with branches and ribbons . They 'd hate to burn down the park . Anyway , there are great light displays along the outside of the park and up on the hill . Some of the fences had wagon wheels in lights all along them , very cute . AND there 's a train ride . We debated riding the train because of the cold , but the workers assured us that there were blankets on the benches , so we braved it . It turned out to be my favorite part of the night . The train was so cute with its holly and bows , and there was Christmas music playing . We rode past the big light displays , and through the village , and then up the hill . At the top of the hill there was a small pond , and a large sailing ship in lights sitting just on the edge so that it reflects in the water . From there we could see across the whole valley . It was gorgeous , and I loved being there with Marla , just the two of us , having our own Christmas evening together . There 's a lot more to do at the park than I 've written here , craft projects , Father Christmas , a live nativity . It 's all good . I recommend going . BookI 'm reading an interesting book , " The Man Who Invented Christmas : How Charles Dickens 's A Christmas Carol Rescued His Career and Revived Our Holiday Spirits " . The title pretty much sayPosted by Not working for two days in a row really is nice . I 'd get bored if it happened all the time , but every now and then is great . Speaking of great , I sure do like a turkey dinner . Especially the stuffing . And the rice & broccoli casserole . What ? You don 't have rice & broccoli casserole ? I suggest you call my sister - in - law for the recipe . It 's nice to be the girl who is invited to someone else 's house . I didn 't have to make a thing . Sierra beat me at Apples to Apples . She beat me bad . I 'm crying . We took a nice walk through the neighborhood and around a little lake . The lake had a thin sheet of ice over it . We threw rocks through the ice . I just got very confused with threw and through . While walking , I poured my heart out to my big brother , and he solved my problems . Every girl should have a Barry in her life . He even gave me a hug and an " I love you Ang . " I 'm crying again . After the walk we played Scattergories , and if we 'd kept score I think I would have redeemed myself from the Apples game . I 'm sure I beat Sierra . Take that Sierra . Then we watched While You Were Sleeping because Melody wanted to . I forget how good that movie is . Very charming . I slept in forever on Friday . I am not one of those suckers who go to the store at 4am . If you are one of those , then I 'm sorry I called you a sucker . But only kind of sorry . I cleaned my apartment . Man did it need that . And then I worked on photo albums . The kids sure were cute when they were little . Sometimes I forget what they looked like then . They 're so grown up now . And Sierra likes to beat me at games , and that 's not cute . But I love her still . I love them all . Melissa and I went to see The Fantastic Mr . Fox . Fantastic ! It 's really fun . You should see it . And then we ate Pei Wei . Also fantastic . Saturday I had to muster up all of my courage and strength and go to work at the bookstore . And found that it really wasn 't bad . Not nearly as bad as I had feared . Marla and I took Jonah to the mall that evening , and it wasn 't too crowded either . Nice . Jonah thinks that going to a storPosted by Sierra and I have a bit of an Apples to Apples rivalry going on . Have you ever played Apples ? It 's a fun , fun game , a family favorite . Some time ago we started a battle of words , me telling her that she 's going down . Her telling me that she 's not going anywhere . Neither one of us has ever won the game ( against the whole group ) , not that I remember anyway , but we each feel pretty good about beating each other . And by the way - it 's usually me beating her . Last Friday we played Apples with the family , and she beat me by one card . A crushing defeat . Humiliation . She commented on my last post that I didn 't mention her beating me , so I 'm going to be mature and give Sierra kudos for her victory . This is easier for me knowing that it will be her last one . Her very last . There 's going to be a Thanksgiving smack down . DAVID ARCHULETA IS HERE ! HE ' S HERE ! ! ! AAAAAAAAA ! That 's what I heard in constant streams for hours on Saturday . THE David Archuleta did a signing at the store , and boy can those teenage girls scream . Actually , I didn 't mind the girls screaming so much . They were excited and it was kind of fun to watch them . Most were there with their mom 's who laughed at their silly girls , or with their dad 's who seemed to be grinding their teeth . By the time those dad 's got up to the cash register to pay for the autographed cd they looked exhausted . What good men . The fans who gave me reason for some concern were the women who were at least my age and there by themselves ( no daughter to give them an excuse ) wearing their own David t - shirts and giddy smiles . I try to give everyone some leniency in judgment , well out loud anyway , in my head the leniency isn 't what it should be , but come on ! 40 is way too old to be crazy about David Archuleta . David himself seemed like a nice kid . Very nice . He made a grand entrance down the stairs into the crowd ( I think the screaming can still be heard hovering in the air over that part of Midvale ) . He smiled and waved and asked everyone how they were doing , and was honestly happy to be there , and was gracious with the fans . I was impressed . His manager on the other hand was large and in charge . It worked well . Someone had to take command , and him being so rigid made it possible for David to be so nice , and kept him from being mobbed . We also had two officers from the Midvale police department there for security . Crazy huh ? DB was a regular rock star venue last Saturday . Within the two hours that he was there we sold 500 cds , and saw three times as many teenagers . I think we were all a little dazed when he left . I spent all of my time at the cash register , so I didn 't get to meet him or take a picture ( like some of my coworkers did , honestly my nieces would KILL for that ) , but I did add a cd to the pile that he signed for employees , and then gave it to my nieces , and then got good hugsAngie Dear Office Staff , Today I am wearing a burgundy red , turtle - neck sweater . It 's a favorite . I believe that it is only one year old , so I was shocked and dismayed to find holes in both armpits . Actually , I didn 't find the hole , Ed did , which only caused further embarrassment . I have used safety pins to close the holes . I believe that this will take care of the problem for the rest of the work day , and until I am able to have the sweater mended . My mother will help me with the actual mending . My apologies for the armpit flashes . Please know that I will make greater efforts in the future to ensure that this does not happen again . A close family member feels that I should take some personal time to recover emotionally , and to go shopping for a new sweater . This may be necessary , especially if my mother is not able to sew up these holes . I can only apologize again . Sincerely , Angie My mom and dad are here ! They 're visiting for the week , and I like it when they visit . There 's an added bonus to this - all of my Utah siblings get together for dinners and quality family time . You 'd think that living within close proximity to each other would mean seeing each other , but that 's not always the case . I don 't think I 've seen Cortni and Brad all summer , and that 's too long . I 've missed them . More good news ! I got my yearly car inspection for the registration renewal on Monday . I wanted to do this while dad is here so that if / when they told me that something was wrong then he could help me fix it . Dad can fix anything . But it passed ! No problems at all ! I 'm still shocked . Given my recent car history this feels like a miracle , a happy , happy miracle . And , Sierra will be home this weekend for Thanksgiving break . Dear , dear Sierra . It 's a good week . Hello , it 's late in the afternoon on Friday , and around this time there 's nothing I like to do more than reflect on the week and then bore people with every detail of it . Here 's a Week in Review . For Whom the Bell TollsSome time ago I got an amusing email that asked " Why did the chicken cross the road ? " and then listed answers from different famous people . Ernest Hemingway 's was , " To die , alone , in the rain . " That 's a good summary for all of the Hemingway I 've read so far , and yet I decided to jump into another one , " For Whom the Bell Tolls " . It 's considered his best . There 's some unusual writing going on in this book . The main character 's name is Robert Jordan , and every time he 's referred to in the narrative Hemingway uses his full name , Robert Jordan . Every time . No Robert or Bob or " our leading man " , just Robert Jordan . Every time . I 've never read a book that 's done that before . In fact at some point in the first chapter after the 15th " Robert Jordan " I thought , " Does he do this through the whole book ? " , and then I looked ahead to the last half of the book and sure enough there it was , the full name . I 've gotten used to it now , but at first it seemed like a lot of work to read a full name . I was thinking that maybe I would just read the Robert and skip the Jordan and save myself some time . But the full name feels natural now , almost necessary . Hemingway also has the characters talk to each other in very formal terms . They use a lot of " thee " and " thou " , which seems odd for a bunch of civil war guerrilla fighters who live in a cave . But that , too , has grown on me . And , in spite of all of this crazy wordiness , I 'm enjoying the book . I was pulled into it from the beginning without knowing exactly why . I just know that I care very much about what happens to these people . Of course , given that it 's Hemingway , what happens will probably be a lonely death in the rain . ShoesI don 't like to have much , if anything , on my feet . I don 't know why . It 's not somPosted by Since attending The Pioneer Woman 's signing I 've taken some time to really look at her website , and I like it . The best part , in my opinion , is the photography . I love the pictures of the ranch with it 's cattle and horses and gorgeous horizons . It reminds me of home . We didn 't work a cattle ranch , but we had some cattle , and two horses , and pigs , and chickens , geese , goats , cats and dogs . Sometimes the animals would escape from the corral , and then we had to chase them down and get them back in again . I remember Dad putting me by the corral gate so that when the cattle came that way I could guide them through it , and it scared me to death ! I stood there with my heart pounding , watching a heard of cows coming right at me . I didn 't think they would stop before hitting me . Why would they ? I was one girl , and they were a heard of cattle . But they did stop . Dad knew they would . That 's the funny thing about cows , they don 't realize their own strength and so are complacent about being lead here and there . Maybe we 're all a little too much like cattle . I suppose I am . My brothers spent summer days out on the tractor cutting and baling hay , and then the whole family went out to pick the bales up off of the field and stack them . Marla and I worked with Mom in the garden , and shelled peas and cut green beans and the corn off of the cob . Mom canned a froze enough produce to last a full year . Remarkable . I 'm being nostalgic about it now . If I were completely honest I 'd say that at the time I grumbled plenty about all of that work . But I 've been a city girl for so long that sometimes I forget that I come from the country , and that it really is beautiful . There 's serenity in the quiet fields and open sky . The horizon is a perfect line right along the ground , and the sun sets right there in front of you . It lights the whole sky on fire . You can see every star at night . And the air smells fresh . I used to stand outside after dark and breathe my lungs full of that air . It 's so good . If you 're interested in the Pioneer Woman 's cookbPosted by Hello ! It feels like it 's been a long time since I 've written this little feature . It 's good to be back . Let 's do A Week in Review . Cosmetics ! I 've found two new products that I love . The first is a mascara from CoverGirl , Lashblast Length . I am obsessively compulsively picky about mascara . It has to go on well , look good ( no spiky lashes ! ) and then wear without smudging at all all day . This one does all three . It 's a softer look , which is nice , more natural . I like it . The second is from Sally Hansen - a French manicure pen . I really like the look of French manicures , but haven 't wanted to get acrylic nails , so I 've tried many times to do it myself . That usually ends in tears . And a lot of white nail polish all over my fingers . I found this pen at Target , and felt immediately that my life had been changed forever . Course , that 's not the first time that 's happened at a Target . This pen lets you draw the line on your nails , like you would with a Sharpie . It 's so much cleaner than working with a brush , and the color goes on in a nice thin layer . Eureka . Honestly , I 'm excited about this . OwneyI had some time with Jonah last week , and we were talking about school . I asked him what he was learning , and then I asked him if he liked history , stories of things that happened a long time ago . He said , " No . Oh ! But we did learn about a dog who traveled all over the world . He rode on trains . They 'd put him on the train , and he 'd come back again with badges . And then he went on boats around the world . And then when he died they stuffed him . " He seemed very excited about the stamps Owney had ( I thought they were stamps ) , so I told him that I have stamps from France and England in a little book ( my passport ) , and maybe he 'd like to see them ? He said , " No . These were badges . He had badges on him . " So much cooler than my stamps . The whole thing had me very interested , and I thought that I would look this dog up later and read about him . Jonah didn 't remember his name at first , but then he shouted , " Owney ! His name is Owney , with an OAngie Hi , this is William . Angie is letting me use her blog to tell you about Halloween . She 's nice . She always tells me when she puts pictures of me on the computer , so I figured she 'd do it again . I asked if I could tell the story this time . She 's actually doing the typing because my hands are very small , and the only computer I 've ever used is a toy . Here it is , my first Halloween ! Actually , I was alive for Halloween last year , but I was only 8 months old , and didn 't really get it . We found this picture of me trick - or - treating a year ago . I didn 't know what I was missing . Now I 'm 20 months old , that 's almost 2 years , and am definitely old enough for Halloween ! Mom picked out my costume , and that 's ok . I think that if I could have told her what I wanted to be , I would have gone with a pirate , because pirates are awesome , but I can 't really say the word pirate , or any other words , so I had to go with what she bought me . I was suppose to take a good afternoon nap so that I wouldn 't be tired and crabby all night , but I 'm not very good at sleeping , so that didn 't happen . When mom was stuffing me into that lion suit I was a whiny . How was I suppose to know what was going on ? It all seemed very strange . But after the suit was on I was ok with it . Mom and Dad took me outside for pictures . Then , this person in a black sheet showed up , and he really made me nervous . He kind of sounded like my brother Zac , and everyone was calling him Zac , but I wasn 't sure . They had him hold me for a picture . Not cool . Why do people do this to me ? But it all got much better after that . Jonah and his friend had already started trick - or - treating , so we ran to catch up . Being 7 , Jonah is a good trick - or - treater . Mom , Angie and I followed him . " Zac " ( I 'm still not sure ) came with us too , on the golf cart . He was there to give us rides when we got tired , or if someone had to go home to use the bathroom . Jonah is in the Ninja Turtle costume . Angie was falling behind . I had to get her . We went to a house , knocked on the door , and a very nice lady opened itPosted by Hello All . Due to a complete lack of anything to tell you , and some other projects that are begging for my time , I am delaying A Week in Review until Monday or Tuesday . In the mean time , here 's a little Halloween scare from The Nightmare Before Christmas , with music from Panic at the Disco ( that 's for you Sierra ) . Happy Halloween ! You are loved . ps - My apologies for the AOL add . Years ago , when Sierra was maybe four years old , she and I were walking though a parking lot to the grocery store . She was holding my hand and skipping , and then she stopped dead and said , " Punkamins ! " with all of the joy a 4 - year old can hold . There were rows and rows of pumpkins on hay bales in front of the store , and they looked wonderful . Last night I went to Marla 's for an annual pumpkin carving . I say annual because it is for them , but I actually haven 't done it for a few years . I 'd forgotten how much fun pumpkin carving is . The boys were pretty happy when they heard what we were doing that night , and as soon as dinner was done , they grabbed their chosen pumpkins , hunkered down and dove in . Side note - all of these pumpkins came from their garden . William is a bit young to be let loose with sharp knives , so we just took a cute picture of him , and then took everything away . He seemed to be ok with that , and just went into the living room to play with his toys . Every now and then he 'd come back and check on us , ask to be held , get a look at what we were doing , and then run off again . Jonah took his pumpkin very seriously . I underestimated that kid . I really thought that either Marla or I would be doing most of the work for him , but he did the whole thing all by himself , even the gutting . Mike ( Marla 's husband ) cut the tops off , and then Jonah dug in up to his elbows in goop and started pulling that stuff out with real gusto . In the mean time I worked on my pumpkin , which went something like this , " Ick this stuff is slimy . I can 't get it all out ! Gah , there 's all this stringy stuffy . My hands are a mess . Will someone get me a paper towel ! " Marla took over for me . She dug in there with a spoon and got all of the string along with a thin layer of pumpkin leaving just the smooth inside . Amazing . Jonah , who was sitting right next to me , said very matter - of - factly that he 's " really good " at gutting , and showed me his perfectly clean pumpkin . I was honestly impressed . Jonah then went to work at carving a face . First he toPosted by Hello ! I don 't have much to review today . I 've just been settling back into my old routine , wondering who this " balloon boy " is , and then deciding that I just don 't care . A person misses stuff while on vacation . Some of it isn 't worth getting caught up on . It is nice , though , to settle back into life as usual . Because of a lack of anything to talk about , I thought that I 'd share some pictures of one of my favorite places , so here is . . . Where I go WalkingA few times a week I use my lunch hour to take a walk . Most of you locals know Memory Grove and City Creek Canyon , but for those who don 't I will try to describe it . There 's a street northeast of the COB that leads up into a lovely residential area with quaint , old homes , and then into Memory Grove , which is a park with monuments dedicated to war vetrans . After the park , the path winds up into a small canyon called City Creek , aptly named for the creek that runs down from the mountains into the city . The early settlers used this water to irrigate their crops , and from what I understand the water used to run underneath Temple Square and powered the first pipe organ in the tabernacle . Now most of the lands around the creek are parks , all very pretty , and all lovely to walk through in the fall . This is the deck on one of those old homes . A monument in Memory Grove The creekAnd the path that leads up the canyon Sometimes you meet up with the local riff - raff on the trail . Actually , I work with those guys , and they 're pretty nice . More of the creek Look how the vine wraps it 's way up that great tree . I stare at it every time I walk by . The reds are pretty Here 's Memory Grove Park again . This little park is across the street from the COB , and the water comes from the same creek . When the girls were little we came here often . The poem on the Writers ' Almanac today was about water and trees , so I 'll end with it : Gravityby Louis JenkinsIt turns out that the drain pipe from the sink is attached to nothing and water just runs right onto the ground in the crawl space underneath the hoPosted by Picking a blog name was so much harder then I expected it to be . I wanted to be witty or deep or quirky funny with the randomness of it . But nothing smart came to mind . So , I went with some old nicknames . When my nieces and nephews were babies , they each had their own version of Angie . Little Mariah called me Addy . It was so cute . When she got older , " Addy " went away , and I was sad to let it go . As good as that is , though , Jonah came up with the best . He just said " G " . I 'm guessing it was the last syllable of Angie , and all that he could get out . I loved it . I still love it . So , for my blog title , I decided on Addy G . Mariah and Jonah can consider it an immortalizing of their absolutely adorable baby years , and of my absolute love for them . |
Work sucks . I manage a team of recruiters and our company recently had to abolish individual quantitative goals due to federal government regulations . In the spirit of " Late Night with Jimmy Fallon , " my thank you note is as follows … " Thank you Democratic Party … for inserting your nosy ass right where it doesn 't belong . " Anyway , once goals were taken away and my team realized that they a ) had no goals , and b ) their manager would be out on maternity leave for 12 weeks , they decided to stop working . It is a classic case of " when the cat 's away the mice will play . " It 's terribly disappointing though because my team continued to perform very well when I was out on maternity leave with my first son . Even more , they were the rock stars of the company during our last fiscal year . Now that I 've been back to work for a month , I finally have a grasp of what 's going on with my team . When I first got back , I had to learn about our entire new management and compensation plan . Everything changed during the 12 weeks I was out … and I mean everything … right down to our pay cycle and benefits . Our goals changed , how we conduct business changed , our data management systems changed , our Human Resources system changed , our pay periods changed , our benefits changed , our phone systems … EVERYTHING . The only thing that didn 't change was the name of our company , and I am half expecting that to change soon too . I manage a group of " Mean Girls . " If you 've ever seen the movie with Lindsay Lohan , you 'll know what I 'm talking about . My team is divided . I have three team members who have continued to perform well and adapt to change . The other three however became lazy sacks of shit while I was out and decided to stop working . Because I am still required to generate a certain amount of revenue to my client based on the number of individuals I recruit to that client 's programs , my team still has to work . They are still goaled on qualitative objectives , which at the end of the day all relate back to how they perform on a quantitative level . Sounds all sorts of crazy and f * cked up , doesn 't it ? So , back to the Mean Girls . I have the ring leader , the stupid one , and the one who is constantly trying to ensure she fits in with the other two . Sometimes I swear the movie was filmed at my office . It is obnoxious . My Mean Girls are what you would describe as professionally immature . Try as I can to have a professional environment , they are an obstacle in allowing that to happen . I have had to talk with each of them about arriving to work on time , turning on their computers and actually working when they arrive , working their entire shifts , and staying off of the internet during their work hours . I 've had conversations and now most recently , documented conversations . This past Friday , my manager counterparts were in town for a meeting . We were all in my manager 's office when through the door I hear my three Mean Girls all in one of their cubes looking at wedding dresses online . WTF . I was less than five feet away . I had JUST spoken with two of them about browsing the internet not too days ago . I 'm guessing they thought I wasn 't paying attention , but I was and so were my fellow managers . One of my manager colleagues stepped out of the office and asked what they were doing , and they said they were making calls . They lied to her face . It was incredible . She told them to get back to work and they reluctantly walked back to their desks and giggled a little bit . I was furious . I continued with my managers ' meeting and we went to lunch . At lunch , I decided I would hold an impromptu meeting with my team and tell them exactly how I feel about their behavior . I scheduled the meeting for 4 : 30pm and was looking forward to it . Once I had all six in the office , I told them exactly how I felt . I pride myself on being flexible and fair , and empowering my employees to do their very best . I provide them the tools and resources they need to perform and succeed at their jobs , and recently I feel that the more I give , the more some of them take . I told them they embarrassed me in front of the other managers and I was disappointed in them . I told them that we are perceived as slackers across the company . I reminded them that just in August of last year we were super stars and went above and beyond our goals , and since then we 've done nothing but miss goals . I told them I have been defending them since September and I no longer can or will defend them to my manager or our corporate team . I told them that I brought them in as a team because I wanted them all to understand that even one or two individuals who are slacking can bring down the rest of the team . More importantly , I let them know that if they are not willing to work hard while they are on my team , they will not continue to be on the team ( and they all know that means they will not have jobs ) . I ended the meeting on a positive note and told them to rest up over the weekend and be prepared to come in Monday and rock it . I believe the meeting was effective . I received emails from two senior people on the team who congratulated me on taking a stand and told me they respected me for what I said . I could tell the Mean Girls were slightly scared by my words , and I am looking forward to seeing what happens tomorrow . Will their attitudes change ? Will they start performing ? Will they stop slacking and browsing the internet ? I don 't know . But , what I do know is that my Mean Girls are all receiving their first round of written disciplinary action tomorrow . Perhaps that will force them to understand the importance of the situation . I suppose I 've always taken pride in my work and acted professional . I go to work to work . I feel very lucky to have the career I have and work for the awesome company I work for . I honestly believe these girls do not have a clue how lucky they are to have their jobs . One of them is a single mother , the other is recently engaged and planning her wedding , and the other lives on her own and takes care of her sickly little dog . They all need the money . I suppose we 'll see how this next week goes . I do not like to be this kind of manager . I want to lead my team to success , not have to deal with their professional immaturity . On to more important things . If you 've been keeping up , you know my husband came down with a severe case of vertigo last week . Unfortunately , he still has it . He has also experienced a myriad of other symptoms over the past week and a half which have scared him . I mentioned before how my husband is the strong one … never worried about anything . He always has the answers . This has scared him . He 's spent the past week and a half researching the internet whenever a new symptom arises , and now he believes he has the onset of Type 2 Diabetes . I read all the symptoms and what people experienced before they were diagnosed , and I am afraid . What he has experienced is extremely similar to those diagnosed with diabetes . However , I 've also read the symptoms related to mono , and many of his symptoms also point to that . Honestly , neither is desirable , but I 'd rather him have mono than diabetes . Either way , it sucks . He 's been very tired . He has been helping out with the kids , but has not felt like doing much else around the house . He seems a bit depressed , but that could be just from being tired . He goes back to our family doctor tomorrow morning for a check up on his blood pressure , and he plans to talk with the doctor about his findings and ask for a referral to see someone else . He wants to be tested for diabetes , mono , and would like an MRI . He 's never been concerned about his health until now , and now that he 's armed with a little bit of knowledge , he plans to stop at nothing to figure this out . He wants to feel normal . I don 't blame him . I couldn 't imagine having the spins for a week and not knowing what was causing them . I am completely cognizant of the fact that much worse things could happen and there are people out there dealing with much more debilitating health problems than he is , but for now , this is our reality . If any of you reading have experienced prolonged vertigo , red ears that are warm to the touch , upset stomach , fatigue , sore throat , and pressure in the ears , please let me know what your diagnosis was . We 've got two little boys who need two healthy parents … Unfortunately I have to spend the next few hours of today cleaning up my house . I 've neglected housework a bit this week . There 's a pile of laundry a mile high that I need to take care of , and mud in my carpet from my dumb ass dog who ran outside during a thunderstorm while we were out grocery shopping last night . ( If you 've kept up , you 'll know this it not the first time she has done this . We got home late last night to her pile of mud in the living room . She was covered in mud herself . I could have killed her . Time to come up with a different solution to the dog door . It 's my fault , I know . ) Normally , I am sad to see Sunday night . Sunday nights mean that the two days per week I can devote entirely to my family are over . It means hectic Monday morning is right around the corner . It means that I have to share my next five days with my colleagues and my family . I 'm always a bit sad on Sundays … but not this one . This past week was one for the books . Last weekend , my babies were sick and carried their germs into Monday , meaning I had to stay home with them . It was so great to be a temporary stay at home mom again . Tuesday and Wednesday were somewhat crappy days at work as I had to deal with some of my immature team members and their usual pettiness . Wednesday night , I picked up my children as normal and met my husband at home . We both pulled into the driveway at the same time , and I started washing bottles and getting the kids ' stuff ready for the next day , and my husband cooked dinner . We sat down to a yummy dinner of pasta and chicken . About halfway through the meal , I noticed my husband was eating slowly . Not a minute after I noticed that , he looked at me and said " I don 't feel right . " He immediately started sweating and said he was very dizzy . I looked at him and asked him what he wanted me to do , and with worried eyes , he said " I don 't know . " I knew at that moment something was very wrong . My husband always knows the answer . He is always strong , always there . I ran to find my phone , silently freaking out . I asked my husband if he wanted me to call 911 and he said he didn 't know . Then I asked him if he wanted me to call his mom and he said yes . When she answered , I said " we have a problem . " My husband told her he was very dizzy and felt sick , and she said she 'd be right over . The plan was to take him to Patient First . I had already changed into my pajamas earlier that evening , and my sweet husband who always thinks about me , says " Do you want to go and change into regular clothes ? " That was the last thing on my mind . I did run upstairs to grab my shoes , and when I came back downstairs , my husband had crawled into the bathroom and was violently vomiting . It was a terrible sight . By that time , my toddler was crying in the family room ( I had to take him out of his high chair during the whole ordeal because he was crying to get out ) . My little baby was waking up in his bouncy seat that was perched on top of the dinner table and wanted to nurse . OMFG , this is a nightmare ! So many thoughts were running through my mind … . so many emotions tearing through my heart . I immediately started thinking the worst . I asked my husband if his arms or legs hurt , did he have tightness in his chest , did his head hurt , could he see clearly ? I realized I needed to get some bottles out since my mother - in - law was on her way over as she doesn 't know where things are in my kitchen . She also has a hard time navigating our stairs , so I ran up to the kids ' rooms to grab pjs , diapers , and anything else they would need to camp out in the living room . I had no idea how the night would go . Looking back on it now , I can 't believe I remembered to get things out for the kids . The whole time I was doing that my toddler was crying and my husband was vomiting and complaining of his dizziness . Once my mother - in - law arrived , I realized I had to run outside and move our truck out of the way ( my car would be easier for my husband to get into ) . It was pouring down rain , and I had tears pouring down my face . I was trying to be strong , trying not to worry . I prayed the entire time I was outside , asking God to please not let this be it for my husband . I told God I couldn 't do it on my own and asked him to please hear me . My mother - in - law helped my husband out of the house and into my car . I drove him to Patient First and talked to him the whole way there . I was afraid he was going to pass out and I could tell he wanted to go to sleep . When we arrived at Patient First , I ran inside to get him checked in and ran into my husband 's great aunt and her elderly mother - what a coincidence ! I asked for a wheelchair and I feel like it took the slow ass people at Patient First forever to get out there to my husband . I will say that they were able to take him almost right away . I think they were freaked out by how pale he looked when he came in . Not making us wait forever to be seen is just about the only thing they did right in my opinion . The nurse took my husband 's blood pressure and and temperature . His blood pressure was elevated and I started freaking out even more . She took us back to see the doctor and I explained the whole story to them . I could tell they thought I was overreacting and freaking out . I could tell they were annoyed with me . I 'm not sure if the doctor was trying to calm me down or not , but he just didn 't seem to be as concerned as I was . He did order an EKG for my husband and blood work and I appreciate that . But , from the beginning of the visit until the end , he kept saying it was probably just vertigo and there 's no need to worry . When we got the blood work back , my husband 's potassium was low but everything else checked out . The EKG however was another story . My husband 's heart rate was 51 bpm , and according to the doctor , that was very low . I could see the worry on his face and at that point , he did tell us we needed to see our family doctor the next morning and get his heart rate and blood pressure checked out . I immediately asked a ton of questions . Is this why he is dizzy ? Could it be a heart attack ? Why is his blood pressure high ? Why his is heart rate low ? Should we go to the ER ? I know the doctor thought I was crazy , but I needed answers and needed them now . At the end of the visit , the doctor sent us out of there with a prescription for anti - dizziness medication and said " best of luck . " I had one more question and asked the nurse to bring the doctor back in one more time . She was super annoyed about that and so was he . I asked what could have brought on the extreme sweating my husband was experiencing , and he said he didn 't know . Comforting . So , we left and sat in the parking lot for a minute contemplating our next move . I told my husband I wanted to take him to the ER and he told me he wanted to go back home . So , I followed his wishes and drove him home . I helped him inside and my mother - in - law was waiting with the babies . She had given them milk and was getting them ready for bed . My husband came in and sat at the kitchen table . My stomach was hurting terribly ( I started feeling sick myself as soon as my husband had initially started feeling bad ) and I needed to use the restroom . I was in there for just a minute when I heard my husband fall to the floor in the kitchen and start vomiting . Oh my God . I walked out of the restroom to find him in the floor vomiting into a plastic bag that had a hole in it . My mother - in - law was grabbing the Clorox Clean Up and my toddler was staring at my husband saying " Uh oh ! Uh oh ! " My husband decided he wanted to lay down on the couch so my mother - in - law helped him and I put my toddler to bed and snuggled him for a second . I told him that Daddy was going to be ok and that we loved him . I cried silently for a minute while snuggling my son . I didn 't want my husband or mom - in - law to hear me in the monitor . I didn 't believe the doctor at Patient First and still thought something was terribly wrong with my husband . I honestly believed that it was going to get worse and we 'd end up the ER that night . When I was putting my toddler to bed , thoughts about being a widow kept flashing through my mind . It made me extremely sad and all I could do was hug my son tighter . It was such an empty feeling and I hated it . I came back downstairs and my husband was on the couch and his eyes were closing . He was still extremely dizzy and nauseous and said the only thing that helped was to close his eyes . I knew he wanted to sleep but I was so afraid to let him . I just didn 't know what was going to happen . I was worried he was going to have a heart attack or brain aneurysm . My little baby was waking up to nurse and my mom - in - law wanted to go home and take a bath so she could come back over and stay the night . I told her we would be fine but that I would certainly appreciate it if she could stay over . I wasn 't used to being the one who took care of everyone including my husband . Sure , I could take care of the kids during the day while on maternity leave , but I was always comforted by the fact that my husband would be home that night . My husband is never sick and I never have to take care of him , so I truly felt I needed my mom - in - law here that night . My mother - in - law went home to take a shower and grab her pjs . She was gone for about an hour . My husband slept on the couch and I watched his chest to ensure he was breathing . I also Googled . I should not have done that . I Googled his symptoms and came across everything from an ear infection to impending death . I was terrified . When my mom - in - law came back around midnight , she settled in our living room on the couch . I was so thankful for her at that moment and so comforted by her presence . My husband woke up and said he wanted to go upstairs to our bed . I did not think this was smart . He could barely walk without falling over . But , he was determined and he made it up the stairs . He slept in his clothes and complained of being cold . This worried me even more - he 's never cold . I put my baby in the co - sleeper and crawled into bed beside my husband . I was exhausted but I could not sleep . I laid there for hours . I laid there until my son woke up to eat again . I Googled some more , and checked to ensure my husband was breathing . Normally he snores but he didn 't that night , so I watched him breathe . It was a terrible few hours for me . My husband woke up about once per hour and whenever he did , I asked how he felt and he said very dizzy and cold . I was hoping the symptoms would dissipate the more he slept but they did not . I finally drifted off to sleep around 3am and was back up to nurse my baby at 6am . I woke up to my baby crying and felt a sense of panic as I realized I had been asleep and not checking on my husband . He was breathing of course and even snoring a bit . I went downstairs and my mom - in - law was already up . We talked about the plan for the day . She was going to take my toddler with her back to her house so I could take my husband to our family doctor as soon as they opened . My husband woke up not long after and I helped him in the shower . We got ready and headed out to the family doctor . We know everyone in the office fairly well and the first thing they all commented on was how tired I looked and how pale my husband was . One of the staff members is a friend of my mother - in - law and when I told her the whole story and about my husband 's blood pressure and heart rate the night before , I saw the worry take over her face . I was ready to get to the back so they could check my husband 's vitals . I was relieved to find out that his levels were close to being back to normal . Thank the good Lord above . My husband was still extremely dizzy and unfortunately our family doctor didn 't have any better answers for us than the doctor at Patient First , but I still felt better because we were around people we knew … people who actually cared about our well - being . My husband was prescribed a patch to wear in addition to his dizziness medication . His diagnosis : unexplained vertigo . It has been a couple of days and he is still very dizzy , but feels better . He is able to function but not able to drive . He has helped out with the kids , done his laundry and other chores around the house . We even attended a birthday party Saturday and had friends and family over for a visit . He says he is getting used to being dizzy and learning how to navigate through it . Both doctors told us it could last for days . He goes back for a follow up visit next Monday . Fingers crossed he is no longer dizzy by then . I remember having a couple of dizzy spells when I was pregnant , and I couldn 't imagine functioning like that for several hours or days at a time . Sunday , we were worried that our toddler may have the same issue . He went to bed very late Saturday night and would not eat a good lunch or dinner Saturday . He in turn woke up very grumpy on Sunday . He said he was hungry so we fixed him fruit and a waffle . He ate very slowly but drank a lot more milk than he normally does . He was sitting in his high chair and looked very tired . He kept saying " all done " and " uh oh ! " I got him out of the high chair and he threw up all over me , the dog , and the kitchen floor . He looked very pale . My husband and I were so worried that he was dizzy and nauseous . We sat down with him and after a bit he said he was hungry , so I gave him a couple of snacks and some water and he threw up in the family room . After cleaning that up , I sat down with my son and he snuggled in my lap and fell asleep . He was better when he woke up from his nap . I ran out to the store and bought him some Pedialyte and crackers . He was better that evening . He ate a little dinner , took a second nap , and slept through the night . I tend to freak out and overreact about things , and I honestly thought the worst . I believed my husband was dying . I prayed to God and asked him to spare my husband . I saw my life as a widow . I thought about all of the things around the house I didn 't know how to do . I cried thinking my sons would never really get to know their Dad . I wondered if his family would take care of me . I worried about how I would make it without my husband , my protector , my best friend . My heart hurt and my brain was swimming with worry . It was a terrible feeling . I 've never been that worried in my life . I never want to feel that again . Unfortunately , I know I will have to feel that again . There may come a day when the end will be near for my husband , myself , or my sons and we will be fully cognizant of it . I am so afraid of that day . I am dreading it . I do not like to think about death . I am not ready for it and I do not believe I ever will be . This experience has been eye - opening for me . My husband and I need to live healthier lifestyles . Can you say physicals ? ? We also need to prepare and ensure our sons are taken care of when we pass away . Shame on us ; we do not have a Will . And finally , we need to live each day like we are dying . Who cares if the house is clean ? Why worry about crap that is happening at work when I 'm at home with my boys ? My main jobs in life are to be a wife and mother , and I am thankful to be employed 😉 PS - It has taken me a few days to finish this post , and my husband still has vertigo . He is still breaking out into sweats . He drove for the first time today and did ok . He is navigating through this but it is not easy . Does anyone have any recommendations for us ? We 've seen two doctors and are not sure what else to do at this point . There is no explanation , and the meds they gave him are not working … I kind of need my husband back at 100 % … Wow , I 've had a lot going on the past week or so . I thought that with each passing day , being back at work would be a bit easier , but it in fact has been more difficult . Work itself has been good . In fact , work is probably the best thing I had going for me this past week . It is no secret that my mother - in - law watches my children while the husband and I work . She 's great with the kids and my toddler truly loves being with her and granddaddy . When I was pregnant with my first son , she called and asked us if she could babysit . She practically interviewed for the job . It was very sweet and my husband and I agreed that she would be the best person to take care of our child . When we found out we were pregnant with the second , we practically told her before I had finished peeing on the stick . We needed to know if she wanted to watch both ( because not only does she have our two children but she also babysits one of her other grandchildren ) . She of course was ecstatic about the pregnancy and the new grandchild on the way and said she wanted to watch our two and the other grandchild - no problem ! She told us if she ever decided not to continue babysitting , she would give us at least six months to a year of notice . She would not and still will not take any money for it either , but we buy her nice things and help her and my father - in - law out with things around the house as much as possible . I must also mention that my MIL is a borderline hoarder . If you 've watched TLC 's Hoarding , think about one of the lesser cases they portray . That 's her . There are a number of reasons as to why she holds onto things . She 's been in the antique business for a number of years . When she initially started to collect , it was all supposed to be for the business . But , all of the stuff she bought kept coming into the house … and it got worse and worse . So bad that there was barely anywhere to sit when we went to her house to visit . We had to crawl over things to get to the kitchen table for family dinners , and we would trip over things in the foyer when walking in the house . My husband and his siblings would talk to her and help her clean up a bit and for a short while , the house would look nice again . Sadly , it wouldn 't take long to become a mess again . But , it was supposedly all for the business . Another reason we believe she holds onto things is because she does not own her own home . She lives in her deceased mother in law 's home . She was the primary caretaker for her own MIL for many years . She did everything for her . She did things for her that no one else would do . Her MIL passed away last year , and at first , my MIL cleaned up the house , painted , put in some new carpet , and appeared to be making it her own . It was starting to look good . It wasn 't perfect , but it was livable . The bedrooms , the attic , corners of the main rooms , and the garage were all still full of stuff . But , the main rooms ( den , living room , and kitchen ) were usable and looked decent . Here recently however , things took a turn for the worse . My MIL has decided to leave the antique business , and instead of getting rid of the merchandise , she brought most of it back to her house . I 'm not talking about old tables and chairs . I 'm talking about boxes of stuff . Random , mostly non - useful stuff . Small things . Things not suitable when you have toddlers running around . Over the past couple of weeks , the three rooms she used have become full of stuff . It 's everywhere . It 's on tables , chairs , it 's teetering off of the edge of old furniture , it 's piled so high that if you touch one part of it , a domino effect of falling stuff would happen . It 's on the changing table we gave her for the kids . It 's covering up the toys , exersaucer , and pack n plays . It 's on the kitchen table , counters , in the bathroom . It 's on the stairs . It 's on the front porch . It 's everywhere . It 's impossible to get in the door of the house without tripping over or stepping around stuff . I hate it . I have tried not to judge . I have tried not to complain but I hit my breaking point this week . She is watching my children - the two most precious things in my life . She brought so much shit in the house that the two toddlers had a five foot by five foot area to play in in the the living room ( a circle of space completely surrounded by stuff ) and a few feet of space to play in in the kitchen . That 's it . The huge den they used to play in ( the room that has the baby gates and was actually somewhat baby proof ) was so full you couldn 't walk in it . There were a couple of days that I found my toddler playing in the kitchen trash can because that 's the only area he had to be in . The trash can ! ! ! WTF . Every day leading up to this past week as I pulled out of the driveway , I prayed that my toddler would not get into a box of stuff and choke on something or accidentally knock into something that would create an avalanche of falling stuff that would hurt my little baby . Each morning when I dropped the kids off , my MIL would make an excuse as to why the house is a mess . I 've heard these same excuses now for years . I don 't buy them . I 'm not a fool . Finally , on Wednesday , I arrive to pick up the kids , and my MIL makes the comment that taking care of 3 is trying her patience . She said she constantly has to watch them . WTF . Are you serious ? ? ? She said she has to watch them because they try to get in all of her stuff . You put the stuff there lady ! ! ! You removed the children from the one room that was sort of baby proof that had all of their toys in it and have them playing in a five by five space that is surrounded by junk . All they have is that space and the f - ing trash can to play in . OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM ! ! ! This is not the first time I 've heard this . She has made a few snarky comments to me about babysitting 3 kids over the past year . Please remember that we asked her immediately upon finding out we were pregnant with number 2 if she was willing to watch the baby or if we needed to find another sitter … and she told us she absolutely wanted to . We gave her an out . So , back to Wednesday night . I didn 't say anything and packed up my kids and left . I arrived home and told my husband about her comment and that we needed to find an alternative . I was not about to allow my two precious babies to be in that environment anymore . My MIL was evidently overwhelmed and frustrated with her house , and watching the three children was too much . I was pissed . It wasn 't supposed to be like this . We were supposed to be given ample time to figure out a new situation if we needed one . My husband believes his mother is a few steps away from crazy , so he understands my frustration and he too feels my pain . However , he doesn 't want to hear me talk about it . I asked him to do something about it and talk to his mother as she is not my own mother and I do not feel comfortable having that type of conversation with her . It was time to ask her how she truly felt and if she honestly wanted to continue watching the children . It was time to find out if she wanted to watch the three she is currently watching … as well as the fourth that is on the way ! No , it 's not me . My sister in law is preggo with number 2 and her first is the other grandchild my MIL watches . I asked my husband not to yell at his mom or argue with her about all of the stuff . I asked him to have a dialogue with her and find out what is going on with her , all of the stuff , and if she even wants to continue watching the kids . I beg him not to yell at her . Nothing is accomplished that way and she is already extremely defensive about all of her stuff to begin with … no matter how you talk to her . On Thursday night , he tells me he went over to his mom 's that morning and blasted her . I was so upset . What would that solve ? ? I then become angry at him because it seems the whole situation is spiraling out of control . All I wanted to do was to figure out what is going on in his mother 's head and find out if she truly wants to continue watching the kids . I didn 't want to create a family argument . I try to explain this to my husband , who then tells me it 's none of my business what he said to her and that I don 't know what he said . Then I remind him that he told me he went over to her house and " blasted her " and he then basically lets me know he lied about that and doesn 't have to tell me what they talked about . This , I do not agree with . My children are over there . They spend more time over there during the week than they do with me . I have every right to know what is going on . I completely understand that I asked my husband to talk to his mother , but that 's only because she doesn 't listen to me and I don 't feel comfortable talking to her about those things . Before my husband talked to her , I even told him I would be a part of the conversation if he wanted me to be , and he said he would handle it . All I wanted to do was find out if she was ok and do the right thing for our children . Unfortunately , the situation turned into a yelling match between my husband and I . The arguing ran all the way into Friday morning . I was so frustrated because I didn 't know if there was a solution to the situation . Does she still want to babysit ? Is she going to clean up her house and actually provide a safe environment for my children ? What are we going to do about finding the money to pay for a daycare or another sitter ? How will my kids adjust to a new place ? How in the hell am I going to find a new sitter with such short notice ? I had all of these thoughts running around in my head and I was upset . My husband was no longer listening to me and did not want to deal with it . I tried to explain to him that he was just like his mom when it came to that stuff - not listening , thinking he is right no matter what , etc . He doesn 't think he 's like her at all , but the reason the two of them do not see eye to eye is because they are so much alike . But that 's a whole other topic . Anyway , I couldn 't take it anymore . I was trying to eat my breakfast and give my toddler his breakfast . I was crying . I was just so mad that my MIL had let her house turn into a pile of shit again , that my husband was purposely lying to me about whatever conversation he had with her , and that my kids were caught in the middle of the craziness . If I 'm crying during an argument , my voice gets louder . I can 't help it . I am not trying to yell . Well , on Friday morning , my husband apparently thinks I 'm trying to yell at him , so he mocks me and begins yelling back . And , this makes my toddler cry . He looks at his dad yelling at me and begins crying . I console him and he hugs me . I try to finish his breakfast and my husband yells again because he thinks I 'm yelling at him , and my toddler starts crying AGAIN . Shit . We have turned into my parents . Our actions are causing our son to be afraid and cry . At that moment , I feel like a failure . My husband and I were doing the exact thing I never wanted us to do . We were fighting in front of our son and he was crying because of it . I went through an entire childhood of this . I told myself I 'd never let this happen to my own children . I 'd never put them through the pure hell I experienced as I kid . I sat in the kitchen beside my son and consoled him . I looked out the window and sobbed . I told my husband I couldn 't be with him if it was going to be like this . We 'd already thrown out the big D word several times during the argument . But , this time , I meant it . I was willing to get divorced rather than put my kids through hell . It is not fair to them . I will NOT live this way . I couldn 't deal with it anymore so I went upstairs and took a shower . We had to be at the doctor for checkups for our sons and I needed to get ready . I cried in the shower . I couldn 't understand why things had spiraled so out of control . Why can 't my MIL understand that her house is unsafe for my kids ? Why does she think it 's ok to have piles of shit laying around every square inch of her house ? Why won 't she listen to us about cleaning it up and ensuring it is safe for the kids ? Why isn 't my husband able to have a meaningful conversation with her about it ? Why do I not have the fortitude to talk to her myself ? Why can 't my husband just listen to me and let me vent without accusing me of being a bitch and nagging ? Why is all of this so hard ? But , then I realize , life is hard . Nothing worth doing is easy . Having kids is not easy . Dealing with the in - laws is not easy . A marriage is not easy … at all . All we can do is make the most of it . I take my shower and much like the water rinses the dirt off my body and down the drain , I let all of the emotions of the past week go down the drain too . There 's nothing else I can do . My MIL is going to continue to collect crap and do what she wants with it . My husband will be combative with her because they are so much alike . We will continue to argue throughout our entire marriage because we are completely different people who rarely see eye to eye on anything . All I can do is love my kids , respect my husband and his opinions , and do what I can to keep the peace . I will do my best to ensure my kids have a safe and loving environment no matter where they are . They are my priority . I don 't want a divorce . I love my husband . He 's got his faults , but I do too . He takes care of me and he loves the boys more than anyone . He has stuck by me through a lot and he 's a good man . I never want to not be with him . But , in the heat of arguments , I feel differently . All I can do is ensure we do not argue in front of the kids . They deserve the best life we can give them , and unlike my parents , I must choose a different path … A path not filled with fighting , arguing , and name - calling . It was selfish of my parents to not protect my brother and I from that . Remember , my family told me to " break the cycle " and this is another step in that journey . I will break the cycle of arguing in front of my children . I will not allow my marriage to end in divorce . * Disclaimer - Since this was written , my MIL has actually made some big strides in making sure the house is in suitable condition for the children . I believe my husband may have given her an ultimatum when he spoke with her - clean up or we are taking the kids elsewhere . There 's a long way to go , but she 's making an effort . She 's working with another family member who is much more patient with her than any of the rest of us . The other family member is willing to have a conversation with my MIL about each item before they decide what to do with it , whereas the rest of us just want to light a match to the place . We will see how it all turns out . * * To my husband - I love you and do not want us to argue like we did this past week . Let 's not allow the choices our family members make interfere in our lives like this again . You are my rock and even though you may not think so , you do keep me sane 😉 OMG . Kids are so expensive . We are spending a ton of money every month . We hit up the grocery store and / or Sams Club at least once per week . My toddler eats fruit like it 's going out of style … and now he 's catching on to veggies and loving those too . In addition to fresh , expensive produce , he loves all things dairy . Milk , yogurt , cheese , eggs … He loves crackers , raisins , juice , etc . He eats a lot . He eats way more than I expected a year and a half old would eat , and we are feeling the pinch . Our grocery bill has more than doubled . I know I know , I should have planned for this when we were preggo . I did mentally prepare for it , but nothing could prepare my wallet for it . Not only do we spend a large amount of money in food every month , but we constantly need something for ourselves or the kids . Just when I think we are getting to a point in our lives where there 's nothing we need to buy , it turns out I was wrong . We just finished scoping out and purchasing a decent metal swing set for the backyard . Our son likes to be outside and since we can 't really afford to take him anywhere , we 'll at least have something for him to do here at home . Of course , you can 't just buy a swing set these days . We also had to buy a toddler swing , sand for the sandbox part of it , and some chairs for us to sit in while we are out in the yard with the kids . My husband was gracious enough to go to the grocery store , Sams Club , Lowes , and Toys R Us today to get everyting on our list $ 700 later , he is home . I am so scared . We had to put all of it on the credit card and have had to do that for the past month as I have missed two paychecks due to my maternity leave . When he got home with everything , I thought to myself , " Great , we just bought the last big thing we 'll need for a while . " No sooner had that thought crossed my mind , then the damn baby gate at the top of the stairs breaks . Awesome . I shouldn 't be mad . We 've been using it for a year and it was free ( thank the Lord for good friends and hand - me - downs ) . So , off to the store again tomorrow to spend more money . I just checked our credit card balance - almost maxed out . I can 't stand it . Someone please stop the bleeding . In one of my earlier posts , I mentioned how we are going to be on a debt reduction plan and that starts April 1st . We will be on a tight budget and will have to stick to it to make this work . If we can 't , we 'll be bankrupt . Neither of us have been very good with money , but now that we have the means to put money toward debt reduction , it 's almost impossible to do so . Probably should have thought about this before we had kids . Oh well . I stress about money a lot . I hate it . The more we make , the more we spend . I suppose that 's the American way . I worry all the time that we will not be able to provide for the kids , or that the car will break down and we can 't afford to fix it . ( Wait , we 've already got that going on . My husband 's car is sitting in the driveway because we can 't afford to fix it . Thank God it 's not one of the cars we carry the kids around in . ) We 've done this to ourselves and I really shouldn 't make any excuses . I am taking accountability for the fact that we are strapped . If we didn 't have revolving debt , we could probably afford another house . The only thing we can do is get out of it . It 'll be a difficult couple of years , but we can do it . I 'm keeping my fingers crossed that interest rates stay where they are and gas prices go down . I 'm fortunate to be in a job where I am eligible for performance raises each year , so I 've got to make sure I do whatever I can to get one of those . I shouldn 't complain because there are so many people in much worse situations than me . I realize this . I realize I probably sound like I 'm whining , but this is my reality . It 's no secret that my husband and I want a third child , but that will not happen anytime soon . I 'm just not sure how we 'd pay for him / her , so we 'll be holding off on that plan for quite some time . Thank you to Stacey Sprague of Little Boys are Made of Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails for the Stylish Blogger Award ! Check out her blog for advice , giveaways , and blog hops . Thank you Stacey ! ! Goodnight Moon . A classic . My older son loves that book . He loves searching the pages for the moon and balloon , and he laughs every time we say " bowl full of mush . " It is incredibly cute . Right now , I feel like my brain is a bowl full of mush . I 've been back to work for a week and I can 't decide if I 'm happy or sad . My job is very stressful right now . In one of my earlier posts I mentioned how I was going back to a mess at work . It actually hasn 't been as bad as I thought and I 'm making headway . Since I 've been back , productivity has already increased , but it 's not easy . At all . When I 'm at work , I miss the boys , but I am happy at work . I enjoy my colleagues and I feel valuable , important , and like I 'm truly making a difference . When I 'm at home , however , I do not miss my work . Sure , I think about it , but I do not miss it . Tonight , my husband read my toddler a story as he settled down into his bed , and I sat beside the bed and held his hand . After the story was over , my husband left the room , and I just sat there with my arm on my son . He was holding it close with both hands … almost hugging it . And , I cried . I miss him . I miss my sons even when I 'm with them . My brain is so full of all of the details of my life and is working so hard to keep them all in order , that I can 't even focus on my own children when I 'm with them . I keep thinking back to my maternity leave and wondering if I did all that I could to make that a special time for my toddler . Did he have fun being home with mommy ? Did I give him enough attention and play time ? The other day when I picked the boys up from my mother - in - law 's , my toddler did not want to leave . He absolutely loves his " dadaddy " and " mamaw . " He threw a fit when I attempted to put him in the car seat . He cried and straightened up his whole body so I couldn 't get him in the seat . I finally had to get his dadaddy to help . I love that he loves his grandparents and that 's genuinely happy when I leave him there , but I hate it at the same time . Am I that un - fun ? ( I realize that 's not a word , but you know what I mean . ) I feel like I 'm already losing my toddler . I know that may sound ridiculous , and it 's a difficult feeling to describe . He doesn 't need me . He is perfectly content with his mamaw and dadaddy … or whoever he happens to be around at the time . In some of my earlier posts I 've talked about how independent my son is . He 's truly a special boy . He 's happy most of the time and loves everyone . He 's taken to his toddler bed like he 's been sleeping in it his whole life ( and he 's only a year and a half - today as a matter of fact ) . He says 200 plus words , tells me what he needs and when he needs it , has started potty training , and is all around amazing . I keep trying to remember what it was like when he was a baby and my brain feels like mush . I can 't seem to remember the feeling of holding him or what he looked like at certain ages . Sure , I have pictures , but I am having such a difficult time remembering . And , it wasn 't that long ago ! I 've heard other moms talk about how they 'll never forget the feeling of holding each of their children in their arms and all of their first moments . Why am I struggling with this ? I 'm already starting to lose some of the memories of my second son when he was a tiny little baby , and he 's only three months old . I blame it on work . I blame it on our fast - paced life . I blame it on myself . Part of me wonders if I would feel differently if I were a stay at home mom ? My job is so stressful , but I love the challenge . But , at the same time , I wonder if I could do without the challenge … and the identity I 've created for myself at work . I can 't do without the paycheck , but each day the thought has crossed my mind that I could do without this job . I get so caught up in it , so caught up in the chores at home , so caught up in other people 's issues , that I am forgetting my memories of my own children . I 've been back to work for exactly a week now and my head feels like a bowl full of mush . I 'm happy , I 'm sad , I 'm angry , I 'm stressed , I 'm all . over . the . place . I 'm mad at my husband and at myself , and I 'm having a tough time understanding why . Some days on the way home I just drive and stare straight ahead … no radio … no phone . I try to switch off the work brain , clear my head , and turn on the mommy brain . My mind swims with the details of it all . Did I submit the correct report at work ? Do we have enough juice for the rest of this week for my toddler ? Did I pay the bill for our new mattress ? When does my car need oil again ? Have we given our baby enough tummy time and when is he supposed to roll over ? After I run down the list of questions in my head , then I start to worry that I 'll forget the answers and a detail of my life will be missed . I 'm so fearful of waking up one morning and not having enough juice for my toddler or realizing that I left my pumped breast milk on the counter instead of freezing it … I honestly believe I spend so much time worrying about the details and am so fearful of missing one , that I 'm missing the point of all of this all together . I 'm just not quite sure how to clear my head , get rid of the mush , and focus on what 's most important . In some of my earlier posts I talk about my nut - job parents , and I 'm so fearful of turning into them . I 've seem some of their crazy ass traits in myself this past week ( temper , OCD , snapping at the people I love , being overly pessimistic ) and I need these to go away . I do not want to end up like my mom … who called me today to let me know my great Uncle passed away but quickly turned the conversation into why my step - dad is being mistreated at work because his colleagues are all idiots . Really ? Was that really the time to bash perfect strangers ? Please lady , I 've heard it all from you before . You think everyone you 've ever come into contact with in a professional setting is an idiot . On the other hand , I do not want to end up like my dad who is sad , broke , and alone with just his material possessions that he has perfectly displayed and spaced on the tables in his house ( that 's a whole other story ) . Any advice for this mom would be much appreciated . I suppose I just need help clearing my head and setting some priorities . I need to give up control of some things . I can 't do it all . I need to stop worrying that I 'll turn into my parents . I need to focus . I made it through my first week of being a working mom of 2 , and I can 't say I enjoyed it . The morning routine now has an extra hour to hour and a half and a ton of stress for me . There were two mornings where I had everything packed up for the next day , and those mornings were wonderful . There were two that I was not prepared , and they sucked ass . The evenings were just as stressful … one in particular . On Thursday , we had rain and storms all day here . We have a dog door because our older dog cannot go long periods of time without using the bathroom . Our dogs will bark incessantly if left outside , so instead of paying the thousands of dollars to have their voice boxes removed , we chose the less expensive route of the dog door . I hate it . We have white carpet … this does not mix well with a dog door and muddy yard . I am constantly scrubbing the carpet . Resolve is my friend . You are welcome Reckitt Benckise . On Thursday , I arrived at my mother - in - law 's after work to find a screaming baby who had barely eaten all day . That has been the norm this week . My little baby has not taken to the bottle well at all . We gave him bottles throughout my maternity leave and he did ok , and we were really hoping he would carry that on when I went back to work . Not . the . case . He is barely eating and holding out to nurse . And this is very frustrating as you can imagine . I work 45 minutes from my mother in law 's so it 's not like I can run home and nurse him real quick . I 'm sad at work thinking about him struggling and not eating . And , it 's certainly not easy on my mother - in - law . She 's tried all types of nipples and bottles and nothing is working . We had the same issue with my firstborn and it took him about two weeks to figure it out . So , I 'm keeping my fingers crossed for the same thing with my little baby . So , back to Thursday . I arrived at my mother - in - law 's and nursed my baby a little . She also wanted me to try giving him a bottle … and that only made him more angry . So , he was screaming , I was hungry , my first son was grumpy because he was hungry , and my mother - in - law 's house was hot as hell and I was sweating . I was so ready to get out of there . Upon arriving to my house on Thursday , I was greeted by a pile of mud on the carpet and in the foyer when I opened the front door . F - ing great . My husband was upstairs washing both dogs . I quickly realized what had happened . One of our dogs had gone outside during the thunderstorm , rolled in the mud under our deck , and brought it back in … and shook it everywhere . There was mud on the carpet , all over the kitchen floor and rugs , and on the walls . So , from 8pm to midnight , we cleaned up mud . My husband cleaned the dogs and the kitchen and I scrubbed the carpet and the walls . Somehow we managed to feed our firstborn and get him in the bed , and I nursed my little baby a couple of times and rocked him to sleep . I finally ate some dinner at midnight - burned popcorn and an old piece of chicken from the refrigerator . Awesome . Thursday night made me sad . It made me hate the dogs , hate the fact that I have to work , and realize that the few very short hours I had with my children that night were wasted on cleaning up the house because my dogs suck . On top of all that , my little baby has been waking up and throwing up in the middle of the night which means even less sleep for me . It was a crazy couple of days and in the middle of it all , I didn 't think I had the patience to deal with it any longer . I can 't describe how angry I was when I saw all the mud in my house . This is my HOME , not a damn dog house . But , it 's my fault . I should have locked them in the house that day . Lesson learned . But , work is going ok and I feel valuable and important there . I miss my little boys tremendously , but I 'm a better mom because I work . Friday night was great . We played with our sons , made a decent dinner , and I had a couple of glasses of wine . Both kids slept great . We had a nice breakfast this morning . Sure , the house is a bit messy , the yard is starting to need some attention , and I have three to four loads of laundry to do , but that 's life I suppose . Despite that my past few days were full of ups and downs , I am lucky and I shouldn 't complain . My heart goes out to all of the people affected by the earthquake and tsunami in Japan . I am sad for their country and I realize that life is precious and I should really not waste my time complaining about shit that doesn 't matter . This is that whole pessimism thing I inherited from the ' rents … still trying to choose the optimistic version of myself . As you can tell , I struggle every day . Post my button on your blog & let me know ! I 'll follow you & promote your site on my blogroll ! I look forward to reading your blog ! < a href = " https : / / holycrapimsomeonesmommy . wordpress . com " target = " _ blank " >< img src = " http : / / anony . ws / di - 1979 . jpg " alt = " Holy crap ! I 'm someone 's mom ! " width = " 125 " height = " 125 " />< / a > Are you a Bloggy Mom ? ? Business to Blogger Friendly Blog Check for great giveaways . Good Friends Just Click ! Hop a little Tuesday ! Check out other moms who blog ! I 'm on Mama 's Little Nestwork ! Copyright 2011 . Holy crap ! I 'm someone 's mom ! All rights reserved . No reproduction in any medium without prior written consent of the author is permitted . Back to top |
Work sucks . I manage a team of recruiters and our company recently had to abolish individual quantitative goals due to federal government regulations . In the spirit of " Late Night with Jimmy Fallon , " my thank you note is as follows … " Thank you Democratic Party … for inserting your nosy ass right where it doesn 't belong . " Anyway , once goals were taken away and my team realized that they a ) had no goals , and b ) their manager would be out on maternity leave for 12 weeks , they decided to stop working . It is a classic case of " when the cat 's away the mice will play . " It 's terribly disappointing though because my team continued to perform very well when I was out on maternity leave with my first son . Even more , they were the rock stars of the company during our last fiscal year . Now that I 've been back to work for a month , I finally have a grasp of what 's going on with my team . When I first got back , I had to learn about our entire new management and compensation plan . Everything changed during the 12 weeks I was out … and I mean everything … right down to our pay cycle and benefits . Our goals changed , how we conduct business changed , our data management systems changed , our Human Resources system changed , our pay periods changed , our benefits changed , our phone systems … EVERYTHING . The only thing that didn 't change was the name of our company , and I am half expecting that to change soon too . I manage a group of " Mean Girls . " If you 've ever seen the movie with Lindsay Lohan , you 'll know what I 'm talking about . My team is divided . I have three team members who have continued to perform well and adapt to change . The other three however became lazy sacks of shit while I was out and decided to stop working . Because I am still required to generate a certain amount of revenue to my client based on the number of individuals I recruit to that client 's programs , my team still has to work . They are still goaled on qualitative objectives , which at the end of the day all relate back to how they perform on a quantitative level . Sounds all sorts of crazy and f * cked up , doesn 't it ? So , back to the Mean Girls . I have the ring leader , the stupid one , and the one who is constantly trying to ensure she fits in with the other two . Sometimes I swear the movie was filmed at my office . It is obnoxious . My Mean Girls are what you would describe as professionally immature . Try as I can to have a professional environment , they are an obstacle in allowing that to happen . I have had to talk with each of them about arriving to work on time , turning on their computers and actually working when they arrive , working their entire shifts , and staying off of the internet during their work hours . I 've had conversations and now most recently , documented conversations . This past Friday , my manager counterparts were in town for a meeting . We were all in my manager 's office when through the door I hear my three Mean Girls all in one of their cubes looking at wedding dresses online . WTF . I was less than five feet away . I had JUST spoken with two of them about browsing the internet not too days ago . I 'm guessing they thought I wasn 't paying attention , but I was and so were my fellow managers . One of my manager colleagues stepped out of the office and asked what they were doing , and they said they were making calls . They lied to her face . It was incredible . She told them to get back to work and they reluctantly walked back to their desks and giggled a little bit . I was furious . I continued with my managers ' meeting and we went to lunch . At lunch , I decided I would hold an impromptu meeting with my team and tell them exactly how I feel about their behavior . I scheduled the meeting for 4 : 30pm and was looking forward to it . Once I had all six in the office , I told them exactly how I felt . I pride myself on being flexible and fair , and empowering my employees to do their very best . I provide them the tools and resources they need to perform and succeed at their jobs , and recently I feel that the more I give , the more some of them take . I told them they embarrassed me in front of the other managers and I was disappointed in them . I told them that we are perceived as slackers across the company . I reminded them that just in August of last year we were super stars and went above and beyond our goals , and since then we 've done nothing but miss goals . I told them I have been defending them since September and I no longer can or will defend them to my manager or our corporate team . I told them that I brought them in as a team because I wanted them all to understand that even one or two individuals who are slacking can bring down the rest of the team . More importantly , I let them know that if they are not willing to work hard while they are on my team , they will not continue to be on the team ( and they all know that means they will not have jobs ) . I ended the meeting on a positive note and told them to rest up over the weekend and be prepared to come in Monday and rock it . I believe the meeting was effective . I received emails from two senior people on the team who congratulated me on taking a stand and told me they respected me for what I said . I could tell the Mean Girls were slightly scared by my words , and I am looking forward to seeing what happens tomorrow . Will their attitudes change ? Will they start performing ? Will they stop slacking and browsing the internet ? I don 't know . But , what I do know is that my Mean Girls are all receiving their first round of written disciplinary action tomorrow . Perhaps that will force them to understand the importance of the situation . I suppose I 've always taken pride in my work and acted professional . I go to work to work . I feel very lucky to have the career I have and work for the awesome company I work for . I honestly believe these girls do not have a clue how lucky they are to have their jobs . One of them is a single mother , the other is recently engaged and planning her wedding , and the other lives on her own and takes care of her sickly little dog . They all need the money . I suppose we 'll see how this next week goes . I do not like to be this kind of manager . I want to lead my team to success , not have to deal with their professional immaturity . On to more important things . If you 've been keeping up , you know my husband came down with a severe case of vertigo last week . Unfortunately , he still has it . He has also experienced a myriad of other symptoms over the past week and a half which have scared him . I mentioned before how my husband is the strong one … never worried about anything . He always has the answers . This has scared him . He 's spent the past week and a half researching the internet whenever a new symptom arises , and now he believes he has the onset of Type 2 Diabetes . I read all the symptoms and what people experienced before they were diagnosed , and I am afraid . What he has experienced is extremely similar to those diagnosed with diabetes . However , I 've also read the symptoms related to mono , and many of his symptoms also point to that . Honestly , neither is desirable , but I 'd rather him have mono than diabetes . Either way , it sucks . He 's been very tired . He has been helping out with the kids , but has not felt like doing much else around the house . He seems a bit depressed , but that could be just from being tired . He goes back to our family doctor tomorrow morning for a check up on his blood pressure , and he plans to talk with the doctor about his findings and ask for a referral to see someone else . He wants to be tested for diabetes , mono , and would like an MRI . He 's never been concerned about his health until now , and now that he 's armed with a little bit of knowledge , he plans to stop at nothing to figure this out . He wants to feel normal . I don 't blame him . I couldn 't imagine having the spins for a week and not knowing what was causing them . I am completely cognizant of the fact that much worse things could happen and there are people out there dealing with much more debilitating health problems than he is , but for now , this is our reality . If any of you reading have experienced prolonged vertigo , red ears that are warm to the touch , upset stomach , fatigue , sore throat , and pressure in the ears , please let me know what your diagnosis was . We 've got two little boys who need two healthy parents … Unfortunately I have to spend the next few hours of today cleaning up my house . I 've neglected housework a bit this week . There 's a pile of laundry a mile high that I need to take care of , and mud in my carpet from my dumb ass dog who ran outside during a thunderstorm while we were out grocery shopping last night . ( If you 've kept up , you 'll know this it not the first time she has done this . We got home late last night to her pile of mud in the living room . She was covered in mud herself . I could have killed her . Time to come up with a different solution to the dog door . It 's my fault , I know . ) Normally , I am sad to see Sunday night . Sunday nights mean that the two days per week I can devote entirely to my family are over . It means hectic Monday morning is right around the corner . It means that I have to share my next five days with my colleagues and my family . I 'm always a bit sad on Sundays … but not this one . This past week was one for the books . Last weekend , my babies were sick and carried their germs into Monday , meaning I had to stay home with them . It was so great to be a temporary stay at home mom again . Tuesday and Wednesday were somewhat crappy days at work as I had to deal with some of my immature team members and their usual pettiness . Wednesday night , I picked up my children as normal and met my husband at home . We both pulled into the driveway at the same time , and I started washing bottles and getting the kids ' stuff ready for the next day , and my husband cooked dinner . We sat down to a yummy dinner of pasta and chicken . About halfway through the meal , I noticed my husband was eating slowly . Not a minute after I noticed that , he looked at me and said " I don 't feel right . " He immediately started sweating and said he was very dizzy . I looked at him and asked him what he wanted me to do , and with worried eyes , he said " I don 't know . " I knew at that moment something was very wrong . My husband always knows the answer . He is always strong , always there . I ran to find my phone , silently freaking out . I asked my husband if he wanted me to call 911 and he said he didn 't know . Then I asked him if he wanted me to call his mom and he said yes . When she answered , I said " we have a problem . " My husband told her he was very dizzy and felt sick , and she said she 'd be right over . The plan was to take him to Patient First . I had already changed into my pajamas earlier that evening , and my sweet husband who always thinks about me , says " Do you want to go and change into regular clothes ? " That was the last thing on my mind . I did run upstairs to grab my shoes , and when I came back downstairs , my husband had crawled into the bathroom and was violently vomiting . It was a terrible sight . By that time , my toddler was crying in the family room ( I had to take him out of his high chair during the whole ordeal because he was crying to get out ) . My little baby was waking up in his bouncy seat that was perched on top of the dinner table and wanted to nurse . OMFG , this is a nightmare ! So many thoughts were running through my mind … . so many emotions tearing through my heart . I immediately started thinking the worst . I asked my husband if his arms or legs hurt , did he have tightness in his chest , did his head hurt , could he see clearly ? I realized I needed to get some bottles out since my mother - in - law was on her way over as she doesn 't know where things are in my kitchen . She also has a hard time navigating our stairs , so I ran up to the kids ' rooms to grab pjs , diapers , and anything else they would need to camp out in the living room . I had no idea how the night would go . Looking back on it now , I can 't believe I remembered to get things out for the kids . The whole time I was doing that my toddler was crying and my husband was vomiting and complaining of his dizziness . Once my mother - in - law arrived , I realized I had to run outside and move our truck out of the way ( my car would be easier for my husband to get into ) . It was pouring down rain , and I had tears pouring down my face . I was trying to be strong , trying not to worry . I prayed the entire time I was outside , asking God to please not let this be it for my husband . I told God I couldn 't do it on my own and asked him to please hear me . My mother - in - law helped my husband out of the house and into my car . I drove him to Patient First and talked to him the whole way there . I was afraid he was going to pass out and I could tell he wanted to go to sleep . When we arrived at Patient First , I ran inside to get him checked in and ran into my husband 's great aunt and her elderly mother - what a coincidence ! I asked for a wheelchair and I feel like it took the slow ass people at Patient First forever to get out there to my husband . I will say that they were able to take him almost right away . I think they were freaked out by how pale he looked when he came in . Not making us wait forever to be seen is just about the only thing they did right in my opinion . The nurse took my husband 's blood pressure and and temperature . His blood pressure was elevated and I started freaking out even more . She took us back to see the doctor and I explained the whole story to them . I could tell they thought I was overreacting and freaking out . I could tell they were annoyed with me . I 'm not sure if the doctor was trying to calm me down or not , but he just didn 't seem to be as concerned as I was . He did order an EKG for my husband and blood work and I appreciate that . But , from the beginning of the visit until the end , he kept saying it was probably just vertigo and there 's no need to worry . When we got the blood work back , my husband 's potassium was low but everything else checked out . The EKG however was another story . My husband 's heart rate was 51 bpm , and according to the doctor , that was very low . I could see the worry on his face and at that point , he did tell us we needed to see our family doctor the next morning and get his heart rate and blood pressure checked out . I immediately asked a ton of questions . Is this why he is dizzy ? Could it be a heart attack ? Why is his blood pressure high ? Why his is heart rate low ? Should we go to the ER ? I know the doctor thought I was crazy , but I needed answers and needed them now . At the end of the visit , the doctor sent us out of there with a prescription for anti - dizziness medication and said " best of luck . " I had one more question and asked the nurse to bring the doctor back in one more time . She was super annoyed about that and so was he . I asked what could have brought on the extreme sweating my husband was experiencing , and he said he didn 't know . Comforting . So , we left and sat in the parking lot for a minute contemplating our next move . I told my husband I wanted to take him to the ER and he told me he wanted to go back home . So , I followed his wishes and drove him home . I helped him inside and my mother - in - law was waiting with the babies . She had given them milk and was getting them ready for bed . My husband came in and sat at the kitchen table . My stomach was hurting terribly ( I started feeling sick myself as soon as my husband had initially started feeling bad ) and I needed to use the restroom . I was in there for just a minute when I heard my husband fall to the floor in the kitchen and start vomiting . Oh my God . I walked out of the restroom to find him in the floor vomiting into a plastic bag that had a hole in it . My mother - in - law was grabbing the Clorox Clean Up and my toddler was staring at my husband saying " Uh oh ! Uh oh ! " My husband decided he wanted to lay down on the couch so my mother - in - law helped him and I put my toddler to bed and snuggled him for a second . I told him that Daddy was going to be ok and that we loved him . I cried silently for a minute while snuggling my son . I didn 't want my husband or mom - in - law to hear me in the monitor . I didn 't believe the doctor at Patient First and still thought something was terribly wrong with my husband . I honestly believed that it was going to get worse and we 'd end up the ER that night . When I was putting my toddler to bed , thoughts about being a widow kept flashing through my mind . It made me extremely sad and all I could do was hug my son tighter . It was such an empty feeling and I hated it . I came back downstairs and my husband was on the couch and his eyes were closing . He was still extremely dizzy and nauseous and said the only thing that helped was to close his eyes . I knew he wanted to sleep but I was so afraid to let him . I just didn 't know what was going to happen . I was worried he was going to have a heart attack or brain aneurysm . My little baby was waking up to nurse and my mom - in - law wanted to go home and take a bath so she could come back over and stay the night . I told her we would be fine but that I would certainly appreciate it if she could stay over . I wasn 't used to being the one who took care of everyone including my husband . Sure , I could take care of the kids during the day while on maternity leave , but I was always comforted by the fact that my husband would be home that night . My husband is never sick and I never have to take care of him , so I truly felt I needed my mom - in - law here that night . My mother - in - law went home to take a shower and grab her pjs . She was gone for about an hour . My husband slept on the couch and I watched his chest to ensure he was breathing . I also Googled . I should not have done that . I Googled his symptoms and came across everything from an ear infection to impending death . I was terrified . When my mom - in - law came back around midnight , she settled in our living room on the couch . I was so thankful for her at that moment and so comforted by her presence . My husband woke up and said he wanted to go upstairs to our bed . I did not think this was smart . He could barely walk without falling over . But , he was determined and he made it up the stairs . He slept in his clothes and complained of being cold . This worried me even more - he 's never cold . I put my baby in the co - sleeper and crawled into bed beside my husband . I was exhausted but I could not sleep . I laid there for hours . I laid there until my son woke up to eat again . I Googled some more , and checked to ensure my husband was breathing . Normally he snores but he didn 't that night , so I watched him breathe . It was a terrible few hours for me . My husband woke up about once per hour and whenever he did , I asked how he felt and he said very dizzy and cold . I was hoping the symptoms would dissipate the more he slept but they did not . I finally drifted off to sleep around 3am and was back up to nurse my baby at 6am . I woke up to my baby crying and felt a sense of panic as I realized I had been asleep and not checking on my husband . He was breathing of course and even snoring a bit . I went downstairs and my mom - in - law was already up . We talked about the plan for the day . She was going to take my toddler with her back to her house so I could take my husband to our family doctor as soon as they opened . My husband woke up not long after and I helped him in the shower . We got ready and headed out to the family doctor . We know everyone in the office fairly well and the first thing they all commented on was how tired I looked and how pale my husband was . One of the staff members is a friend of my mother - in - law and when I told her the whole story and about my husband 's blood pressure and heart rate the night before , I saw the worry take over her face . I was ready to get to the back so they could check my husband 's vitals . I was relieved to find out that his levels were close to being back to normal . Thank the good Lord above . My husband was still extremely dizzy and unfortunately our family doctor didn 't have any better answers for us than the doctor at Patient First , but I still felt better because we were around people we knew … people who actually cared about our well - being . My husband was prescribed a patch to wear in addition to his dizziness medication . His diagnosis : unexplained vertigo . It has been a couple of days and he is still very dizzy , but feels better . He is able to function but not able to drive . He has helped out with the kids , done his laundry and other chores around the house . We even attended a birthday party Saturday and had friends and family over for a visit . He says he is getting used to being dizzy and learning how to navigate through it . Both doctors told us it could last for days . He goes back for a follow up visit next Monday . Fingers crossed he is no longer dizzy by then . I remember having a couple of dizzy spells when I was pregnant , and I couldn 't imagine functioning like that for several hours or days at a time . Sunday , we were worried that our toddler may have the same issue . He went to bed very late Saturday night and would not eat a good lunch or dinner Saturday . He in turn woke up very grumpy on Sunday . He said he was hungry so we fixed him fruit and a waffle . He ate very slowly but drank a lot more milk than he normally does . He was sitting in his high chair and looked very tired . He kept saying " all done " and " uh oh ! " I got him out of the high chair and he threw up all over me , the dog , and the kitchen floor . He looked very pale . My husband and I were so worried that he was dizzy and nauseous . We sat down with him and after a bit he said he was hungry , so I gave him a couple of snacks and some water and he threw up in the family room . After cleaning that up , I sat down with my son and he snuggled in my lap and fell asleep . He was better when he woke up from his nap . I ran out to the store and bought him some Pedialyte and crackers . He was better that evening . He ate a little dinner , took a second nap , and slept through the night . I tend to freak out and overreact about things , and I honestly thought the worst . I believed my husband was dying . I prayed to God and asked him to spare my husband . I saw my life as a widow . I thought about all of the things around the house I didn 't know how to do . I cried thinking my sons would never really get to know their Dad . I wondered if his family would take care of me . I worried about how I would make it without my husband , my protector , my best friend . My heart hurt and my brain was swimming with worry . It was a terrible feeling . I 've never been that worried in my life . I never want to feel that again . Unfortunately , I know I will have to feel that again . There may come a day when the end will be near for my husband , myself , or my sons and we will be fully cognizant of it . I am so afraid of that day . I am dreading it . I do not like to think about death . I am not ready for it and I do not believe I ever will be . This experience has been eye - opening for me . My husband and I need to live healthier lifestyles . Can you say physicals ? ? We also need to prepare and ensure our sons are taken care of when we pass away . Shame on us ; we do not have a Will . And finally , we need to live each day like we are dying . Who cares if the house is clean ? Why worry about crap that is happening at work when I 'm at home with my boys ? My main jobs in life are to be a wife and mother , and I am thankful to be employed 😉 PS - It has taken me a few days to finish this post , and my husband still has vertigo . He is still breaking out into sweats . He drove for the first time today and did ok . He is navigating through this but it is not easy . Does anyone have any recommendations for us ? We 've seen two doctors and are not sure what else to do at this point . There is no explanation , and the meds they gave him are not working … I kind of need my husband back at 100 % … Wow , I 've had a lot going on the past week or so . I thought that with each passing day , being back at work would be a bit easier , but it in fact has been more difficult . Work itself has been good . In fact , work is probably the best thing I had going for me this past week . It is no secret that my mother - in - law watches my children while the husband and I work . She 's great with the kids and my toddler truly loves being with her and granddaddy . When I was pregnant with my first son , she called and asked us if she could babysit . She practically interviewed for the job . It was very sweet and my husband and I agreed that she would be the best person to take care of our child . When we found out we were pregnant with the second , we practically told her before I had finished peeing on the stick . We needed to know if she wanted to watch both ( because not only does she have our two children but she also babysits one of her other grandchildren ) . She of course was ecstatic about the pregnancy and the new grandchild on the way and said she wanted to watch our two and the other grandchild - no problem ! She told us if she ever decided not to continue babysitting , she would give us at least six months to a year of notice . She would not and still will not take any money for it either , but we buy her nice things and help her and my father - in - law out with things around the house as much as possible . I must also mention that my MIL is a borderline hoarder . If you 've watched TLC 's Hoarding , think about one of the lesser cases they portray . That 's her . There are a number of reasons as to why she holds onto things . She 's been in the antique business for a number of years . When she initially started to collect , it was all supposed to be for the business . But , all of the stuff she bought kept coming into the house … and it got worse and worse . So bad that there was barely anywhere to sit when we went to her house to visit . We had to crawl over things to get to the kitchen table for family dinners , and we would trip over things in the foyer when walking in the house . My husband and his siblings would talk to her and help her clean up a bit and for a short while , the house would look nice again . Sadly , it wouldn 't take long to become a mess again . But , it was supposedly all for the business . Another reason we believe she holds onto things is because she does not own her own home . She lives in her deceased mother in law 's home . She was the primary caretaker for her own MIL for many years . She did everything for her . She did things for her that no one else would do . Her MIL passed away last year , and at first , my MIL cleaned up the house , painted , put in some new carpet , and appeared to be making it her own . It was starting to look good . It wasn 't perfect , but it was livable . The bedrooms , the attic , corners of the main rooms , and the garage were all still full of stuff . But , the main rooms ( den , living room , and kitchen ) were usable and looked decent . Here recently however , things took a turn for the worse . My MIL has decided to leave the antique business , and instead of getting rid of the merchandise , she brought most of it back to her house . I 'm not talking about old tables and chairs . I 'm talking about boxes of stuff . Random , mostly non - useful stuff . Small things . Things not suitable when you have toddlers running around . Over the past couple of weeks , the three rooms she used have become full of stuff . It 's everywhere . It 's on tables , chairs , it 's teetering off of the edge of old furniture , it 's piled so high that if you touch one part of it , a domino effect of falling stuff would happen . It 's on the changing table we gave her for the kids . It 's covering up the toys , exersaucer , and pack n plays . It 's on the kitchen table , counters , in the bathroom . It 's on the stairs . It 's on the front porch . It 's everywhere . It 's impossible to get in the door of the house without tripping over or stepping around stuff . I hate it . I have tried not to judge . I have tried not to complain but I hit my breaking point this week . She is watching my children - the two most precious things in my life . She brought so much shit in the house that the two toddlers had a five foot by five foot area to play in in the the living room ( a circle of space completely surrounded by stuff ) and a few feet of space to play in in the kitchen . That 's it . The huge den they used to play in ( the room that has the baby gates and was actually somewhat baby proof ) was so full you couldn 't walk in it . There were a couple of days that I found my toddler playing in the kitchen trash can because that 's the only area he had to be in . The trash can ! ! ! WTF . Every day leading up to this past week as I pulled out of the driveway , I prayed that my toddler would not get into a box of stuff and choke on something or accidentally knock into something that would create an avalanche of falling stuff that would hurt my little baby . Each morning when I dropped the kids off , my MIL would make an excuse as to why the house is a mess . I 've heard these same excuses now for years . I don 't buy them . I 'm not a fool . Finally , on Wednesday , I arrive to pick up the kids , and my MIL makes the comment that taking care of 3 is trying her patience . She said she constantly has to watch them . WTF . Are you serious ? ? ? She said she has to watch them because they try to get in all of her stuff . You put the stuff there lady ! ! ! You removed the children from the one room that was sort of baby proof that had all of their toys in it and have them playing in a five by five space that is surrounded by junk . All they have is that space and the f - ing trash can to play in . OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM ! ! ! This is not the first time I 've heard this . She has made a few snarky comments to me about babysitting 3 kids over the past year . Please remember that we asked her immediately upon finding out we were pregnant with number 2 if she was willing to watch the baby or if we needed to find another sitter … and she told us she absolutely wanted to . We gave her an out . So , back to Wednesday night . I didn 't say anything and packed up my kids and left . I arrived home and told my husband about her comment and that we needed to find an alternative . I was not about to allow my two precious babies to be in that environment anymore . My MIL was evidently overwhelmed and frustrated with her house , and watching the three children was too much . I was pissed . It wasn 't supposed to be like this . We were supposed to be given ample time to figure out a new situation if we needed one . My husband believes his mother is a few steps away from crazy , so he understands my frustration and he too feels my pain . However , he doesn 't want to hear me talk about it . I asked him to do something about it and talk to his mother as she is not my own mother and I do not feel comfortable having that type of conversation with her . It was time to ask her how she truly felt and if she honestly wanted to continue watching the children . It was time to find out if she wanted to watch the three she is currently watching … as well as the fourth that is on the way ! No , it 's not me . My sister in law is preggo with number 2 and her first is the other grandchild my MIL watches . I asked my husband not to yell at his mom or argue with her about all of the stuff . I asked him to have a dialogue with her and find out what is going on with her , all of the stuff , and if she even wants to continue watching the kids . I beg him not to yell at her . Nothing is accomplished that way and she is already extremely defensive about all of her stuff to begin with … no matter how you talk to her . On Thursday night , he tells me he went over to his mom 's that morning and blasted her . I was so upset . What would that solve ? ? I then become angry at him because it seems the whole situation is spiraling out of control . All I wanted to do was to figure out what is going on in his mother 's head and find out if she truly wants to continue watching the kids . I didn 't want to create a family argument . I try to explain this to my husband , who then tells me it 's none of my business what he said to her and that I don 't know what he said . Then I remind him that he told me he went over to her house and " blasted her " and he then basically lets me know he lied about that and doesn 't have to tell me what they talked about . This , I do not agree with . My children are over there . They spend more time over there during the week than they do with me . I have every right to know what is going on . I completely understand that I asked my husband to talk to his mother , but that 's only because she doesn 't listen to me and I don 't feel comfortable talking to her about those things . Before my husband talked to her , I even told him I would be a part of the conversation if he wanted me to be , and he said he would handle it . All I wanted to do was find out if she was ok and do the right thing for our children . Unfortunately , the situation turned into a yelling match between my husband and I . The arguing ran all the way into Friday morning . I was so frustrated because I didn 't know if there was a solution to the situation . Does she still want to babysit ? Is she going to clean up her house and actually provide a safe environment for my children ? What are we going to do about finding the money to pay for a daycare or another sitter ? How will my kids adjust to a new place ? How in the hell am I going to find a new sitter with such short notice ? I had all of these thoughts running around in my head and I was upset . My husband was no longer listening to me and did not want to deal with it . I tried to explain to him that he was just like his mom when it came to that stuff - not listening , thinking he is right no matter what , etc . He doesn 't think he 's like her at all , but the reason the two of them do not see eye to eye is because they are so much alike . But that 's a whole other topic . Anyway , I couldn 't take it anymore . I was trying to eat my breakfast and give my toddler his breakfast . I was crying . I was just so mad that my MIL had let her house turn into a pile of shit again , that my husband was purposely lying to me about whatever conversation he had with her , and that my kids were caught in the middle of the craziness . If I 'm crying during an argument , my voice gets louder . I can 't help it . I am not trying to yell . Well , on Friday morning , my husband apparently thinks I 'm trying to yell at him , so he mocks me and begins yelling back . And , this makes my toddler cry . He looks at his dad yelling at me and begins crying . I console him and he hugs me . I try to finish his breakfast and my husband yells again because he thinks I 'm yelling at him , and my toddler starts crying AGAIN . Shit . We have turned into my parents . Our actions are causing our son to be afraid and cry . At that moment , I feel like a failure . My husband and I were doing the exact thing I never wanted us to do . We were fighting in front of our son and he was crying because of it . I went through an entire childhood of this . I told myself I 'd never let this happen to my own children . I 'd never put them through the pure hell I experienced as I kid . I sat in the kitchen beside my son and consoled him . I looked out the window and sobbed . I told my husband I couldn 't be with him if it was going to be like this . We 'd already thrown out the big D word several times during the argument . But , this time , I meant it . I was willing to get divorced rather than put my kids through hell . It is not fair to them . I will NOT live this way . I couldn 't deal with it anymore so I went upstairs and took a shower . We had to be at the doctor for checkups for our sons and I needed to get ready . I cried in the shower . I couldn 't understand why things had spiraled so out of control . Why can 't my MIL understand that her house is unsafe for my kids ? Why does she think it 's ok to have piles of shit laying around every square inch of her house ? Why won 't she listen to us about cleaning it up and ensuring it is safe for the kids ? Why isn 't my husband able to have a meaningful conversation with her about it ? Why do I not have the fortitude to talk to her myself ? Why can 't my husband just listen to me and let me vent without accusing me of being a bitch and nagging ? Why is all of this so hard ? But , then I realize , life is hard . Nothing worth doing is easy . Having kids is not easy . Dealing with the in - laws is not easy . A marriage is not easy … at all . All we can do is make the most of it . I take my shower and much like the water rinses the dirt off my body and down the drain , I let all of the emotions of the past week go down the drain too . There 's nothing else I can do . My MIL is going to continue to collect crap and do what she wants with it . My husband will be combative with her because they are so much alike . We will continue to argue throughout our entire marriage because we are completely different people who rarely see eye to eye on anything . All I can do is love my kids , respect my husband and his opinions , and do what I can to keep the peace . I will do my best to ensure my kids have a safe and loving environment no matter where they are . They are my priority . I don 't want a divorce . I love my husband . He 's got his faults , but I do too . He takes care of me and he loves the boys more than anyone . He has stuck by me through a lot and he 's a good man . I never want to not be with him . But , in the heat of arguments , I feel differently . All I can do is ensure we do not argue in front of the kids . They deserve the best life we can give them , and unlike my parents , I must choose a different path … A path not filled with fighting , arguing , and name - calling . It was selfish of my parents to not protect my brother and I from that . Remember , my family told me to " break the cycle " and this is another step in that journey . I will break the cycle of arguing in front of my children . I will not allow my marriage to end in divorce . * Disclaimer - Since this was written , my MIL has actually made some big strides in making sure the house is in suitable condition for the children . I believe my husband may have given her an ultimatum when he spoke with her - clean up or we are taking the kids elsewhere . There 's a long way to go , but she 's making an effort . She 's working with another family member who is much more patient with her than any of the rest of us . The other family member is willing to have a conversation with my MIL about each item before they decide what to do with it , whereas the rest of us just want to light a match to the place . We will see how it all turns out . * * To my husband - I love you and do not want us to argue like we did this past week . Let 's not allow the choices our family members make interfere in our lives like this again . You are my rock and even though you may not think so , you do keep me sane 😉 OMG . Kids are so expensive . We are spending a ton of money every month . We hit up the grocery store and / or Sams Club at least once per week . My toddler eats fruit like it 's going out of style … and now he 's catching on to veggies and loving those too . In addition to fresh , expensive produce , he loves all things dairy . Milk , yogurt , cheese , eggs … He loves crackers , raisins , juice , etc . He eats a lot . He eats way more than I expected a year and a half old would eat , and we are feeling the pinch . Our grocery bill has more than doubled . I know I know , I should have planned for this when we were preggo . I did mentally prepare for it , but nothing could prepare my wallet for it . Not only do we spend a large amount of money in food every month , but we constantly need something for ourselves or the kids . Just when I think we are getting to a point in our lives where there 's nothing we need to buy , it turns out I was wrong . We just finished scoping out and purchasing a decent metal swing set for the backyard . Our son likes to be outside and since we can 't really afford to take him anywhere , we 'll at least have something for him to do here at home . Of course , you can 't just buy a swing set these days . We also had to buy a toddler swing , sand for the sandbox part of it , and some chairs for us to sit in while we are out in the yard with the kids . My husband was gracious enough to go to the grocery store , Sams Club , Lowes , and Toys R Us today to get everyting on our list $ 700 later , he is home . I am so scared . We had to put all of it on the credit card and have had to do that for the past month as I have missed two paychecks due to my maternity leave . When he got home with everything , I thought to myself , " Great , we just bought the last big thing we 'll need for a while . " No sooner had that thought crossed my mind , then the damn baby gate at the top of the stairs breaks . Awesome . I shouldn 't be mad . We 've been using it for a year and it was free ( thank the Lord for good friends and hand - me - downs ) . So , off to the store again tomorrow to spend more money . I just checked our credit card balance - almost maxed out . I can 't stand it . Someone please stop the bleeding . In one of my earlier posts , I mentioned how we are going to be on a debt reduction plan and that starts April 1st . We will be on a tight budget and will have to stick to it to make this work . If we can 't , we 'll be bankrupt . Neither of us have been very good with money , but now that we have the means to put money toward debt reduction , it 's almost impossible to do so . Probably should have thought about this before we had kids . Oh well . I stress about money a lot . I hate it . The more we make , the more we spend . I suppose that 's the American way . I worry all the time that we will not be able to provide for the kids , or that the car will break down and we can 't afford to fix it . ( Wait , we 've already got that going on . My husband 's car is sitting in the driveway because we can 't afford to fix it . Thank God it 's not one of the cars we carry the kids around in . ) We 've done this to ourselves and I really shouldn 't make any excuses . I am taking accountability for the fact that we are strapped . If we didn 't have revolving debt , we could probably afford another house . The only thing we can do is get out of it . It 'll be a difficult couple of years , but we can do it . I 'm keeping my fingers crossed that interest rates stay where they are and gas prices go down . I 'm fortunate to be in a job where I am eligible for performance raises each year , so I 've got to make sure I do whatever I can to get one of those . I shouldn 't complain because there are so many people in much worse situations than me . I realize this . I realize I probably sound like I 'm whining , but this is my reality . It 's no secret that my husband and I want a third child , but that will not happen anytime soon . I 'm just not sure how we 'd pay for him / her , so we 'll be holding off on that plan for quite some time . Thank you to Stacey Sprague of Little Boys are Made of Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails for the Stylish Blogger Award ! Check out her blog for advice , giveaways , and blog hops . Thank you Stacey ! ! Goodnight Moon . A classic . My older son loves that book . He loves searching the pages for the moon and balloon , and he laughs every time we say " bowl full of mush . " It is incredibly cute . Right now , I feel like my brain is a bowl full of mush . I 've been back to work for a week and I can 't decide if I 'm happy or sad . My job is very stressful right now . In one of my earlier posts I mentioned how I was going back to a mess at work . It actually hasn 't been as bad as I thought and I 'm making headway . Since I 've been back , productivity has already increased , but it 's not easy . At all . When I 'm at work , I miss the boys , but I am happy at work . I enjoy my colleagues and I feel valuable , important , and like I 'm truly making a difference . When I 'm at home , however , I do not miss my work . Sure , I think about it , but I do not miss it . Tonight , my husband read my toddler a story as he settled down into his bed , and I sat beside the bed and held his hand . After the story was over , my husband left the room , and I just sat there with my arm on my son . He was holding it close with both hands … almost hugging it . And , I cried . I miss him . I miss my sons even when I 'm with them . My brain is so full of all of the details of my life and is working so hard to keep them all in order , that I can 't even focus on my own children when I 'm with them . I keep thinking back to my maternity leave and wondering if I did all that I could to make that a special time for my toddler . Did he have fun being home with mommy ? Did I give him enough attention and play time ? The other day when I picked the boys up from my mother - in - law 's , my toddler did not want to leave . He absolutely loves his " dadaddy " and " mamaw . " He threw a fit when I attempted to put him in the car seat . He cried and straightened up his whole body so I couldn 't get him in the seat . I finally had to get his dadaddy to help . I love that he loves his grandparents and that 's genuinely happy when I leave him there , but I hate it at the same time . Am I that un - fun ? ( I realize that 's not a word , but you know what I mean . ) I feel like I 'm already losing my toddler . I know that may sound ridiculous , and it 's a difficult feeling to describe . He doesn 't need me . He is perfectly content with his mamaw and dadaddy … or whoever he happens to be around at the time . In some of my earlier posts I 've talked about how independent my son is . He 's truly a special boy . He 's happy most of the time and loves everyone . He 's taken to his toddler bed like he 's been sleeping in it his whole life ( and he 's only a year and a half - today as a matter of fact ) . He says 200 plus words , tells me what he needs and when he needs it , has started potty training , and is all around amazing . I keep trying to remember what it was like when he was a baby and my brain feels like mush . I can 't seem to remember the feeling of holding him or what he looked like at certain ages . Sure , I have pictures , but I am having such a difficult time remembering . And , it wasn 't that long ago ! I 've heard other moms talk about how they 'll never forget the feeling of holding each of their children in their arms and all of their first moments . Why am I struggling with this ? I 'm already starting to lose some of the memories of my second son when he was a tiny little baby , and he 's only three months old . I blame it on work . I blame it on our fast - paced life . I blame it on myself . Part of me wonders if I would feel differently if I were a stay at home mom ? My job is so stressful , but I love the challenge . But , at the same time , I wonder if I could do without the challenge … and the identity I 've created for myself at work . I can 't do without the paycheck , but each day the thought has crossed my mind that I could do without this job . I get so caught up in it , so caught up in the chores at home , so caught up in other people 's issues , that I am forgetting my memories of my own children . I 've been back to work for exactly a week now and my head feels like a bowl full of mush . I 'm happy , I 'm sad , I 'm angry , I 'm stressed , I 'm all . over . the . place . I 'm mad at my husband and at myself , and I 'm having a tough time understanding why . Some days on the way home I just drive and stare straight ahead … no radio … no phone . I try to switch off the work brain , clear my head , and turn on the mommy brain . My mind swims with the details of it all . Did I submit the correct report at work ? Do we have enough juice for the rest of this week for my toddler ? Did I pay the bill for our new mattress ? When does my car need oil again ? Have we given our baby enough tummy time and when is he supposed to roll over ? After I run down the list of questions in my head , then I start to worry that I 'll forget the answers and a detail of my life will be missed . I 'm so fearful of waking up one morning and not having enough juice for my toddler or realizing that I left my pumped breast milk on the counter instead of freezing it … I honestly believe I spend so much time worrying about the details and am so fearful of missing one , that I 'm missing the point of all of this all together . I 'm just not quite sure how to clear my head , get rid of the mush , and focus on what 's most important . In some of my earlier posts I talk about my nut - job parents , and I 'm so fearful of turning into them . I 've seem some of their crazy ass traits in myself this past week ( temper , OCD , snapping at the people I love , being overly pessimistic ) and I need these to go away . I do not want to end up like my mom … who called me today to let me know my great Uncle passed away but quickly turned the conversation into why my step - dad is being mistreated at work because his colleagues are all idiots . Really ? Was that really the time to bash perfect strangers ? Please lady , I 've heard it all from you before . You think everyone you 've ever come into contact with in a professional setting is an idiot . On the other hand , I do not want to end up like my dad who is sad , broke , and alone with just his material possessions that he has perfectly displayed and spaced on the tables in his house ( that 's a whole other story ) . Any advice for this mom would be much appreciated . I suppose I just need help clearing my head and setting some priorities . I need to give up control of some things . I can 't do it all . I need to stop worrying that I 'll turn into my parents . I need to focus . I made it through my first week of being a working mom of 2 , and I can 't say I enjoyed it . The morning routine now has an extra hour to hour and a half and a ton of stress for me . There were two mornings where I had everything packed up for the next day , and those mornings were wonderful . There were two that I was not prepared , and they sucked ass . The evenings were just as stressful … one in particular . On Thursday , we had rain and storms all day here . We have a dog door because our older dog cannot go long periods of time without using the bathroom . Our dogs will bark incessantly if left outside , so instead of paying the thousands of dollars to have their voice boxes removed , we chose the less expensive route of the dog door . I hate it . We have white carpet … this does not mix well with a dog door and muddy yard . I am constantly scrubbing the carpet . Resolve is my friend . You are welcome Reckitt Benckise . On Thursday , I arrived at my mother - in - law 's after work to find a screaming baby who had barely eaten all day . That has been the norm this week . My little baby has not taken to the bottle well at all . We gave him bottles throughout my maternity leave and he did ok , and we were really hoping he would carry that on when I went back to work . Not . the . case . He is barely eating and holding out to nurse . And this is very frustrating as you can imagine . I work 45 minutes from my mother in law 's so it 's not like I can run home and nurse him real quick . I 'm sad at work thinking about him struggling and not eating . And , it 's certainly not easy on my mother - in - law . She 's tried all types of nipples and bottles and nothing is working . We had the same issue with my firstborn and it took him about two weeks to figure it out . So , I 'm keeping my fingers crossed for the same thing with my little baby . So , back to Thursday . I arrived at my mother - in - law 's and nursed my baby a little . She also wanted me to try giving him a bottle … and that only made him more angry . So , he was screaming , I was hungry , my first son was grumpy because he was hungry , and my mother - in - law 's house was hot as hell and I was sweating . I was so ready to get out of there . Upon arriving to my house on Thursday , I was greeted by a pile of mud on the carpet and in the foyer when I opened the front door . F - ing great . My husband was upstairs washing both dogs . I quickly realized what had happened . One of our dogs had gone outside during the thunderstorm , rolled in the mud under our deck , and brought it back in … and shook it everywhere . There was mud on the carpet , all over the kitchen floor and rugs , and on the walls . So , from 8pm to midnight , we cleaned up mud . My husband cleaned the dogs and the kitchen and I scrubbed the carpet and the walls . Somehow we managed to feed our firstborn and get him in the bed , and I nursed my little baby a couple of times and rocked him to sleep . I finally ate some dinner at midnight - burned popcorn and an old piece of chicken from the refrigerator . Awesome . Thursday night made me sad . It made me hate the dogs , hate the fact that I have to work , and realize that the few very short hours I had with my children that night were wasted on cleaning up the house because my dogs suck . On top of all that , my little baby has been waking up and throwing up in the middle of the night which means even less sleep for me . It was a crazy couple of days and in the middle of it all , I didn 't think I had the patience to deal with it any longer . I can 't describe how angry I was when I saw all the mud in my house . This is my HOME , not a damn dog house . But , it 's my fault . I should have locked them in the house that day . Lesson learned . But , work is going ok and I feel valuable and important there . I miss my little boys tremendously , but I 'm a better mom because I work . Friday night was great . We played with our sons , made a decent dinner , and I had a couple of glasses of wine . Both kids slept great . We had a nice breakfast this morning . Sure , the house is a bit messy , the yard is starting to need some attention , and I have three to four loads of laundry to do , but that 's life I suppose . Despite that my past few days were full of ups and downs , I am lucky and I shouldn 't complain . My heart goes out to all of the people affected by the earthquake and tsunami in Japan . I am sad for their country and I realize that life is precious and I should really not waste my time complaining about shit that doesn 't matter . This is that whole pessimism thing I inherited from the ' rents … still trying to choose the optimistic version of myself . As you can tell , I struggle every day . Post my button on your blog & let me know ! I 'll follow you & promote your site on my blogroll ! I look forward to reading your blog ! < a href = " https : / / holycrapimsomeonesmommy . wordpress . com " target = " _ blank " >< img src = " http : / / anony . ws / di - 1979 . jpg " alt = " Holy crap ! I 'm someone 's mom ! " width = " 125 " height = " 125 " />< / a > Are you a Bloggy Mom ? ? Business to Blogger Friendly Blog Check for great giveaways . Good Friends Just Click ! Hop a little Tuesday ! Check out other moms who blog ! I 'm on Mama 's Little Nestwork ! Copyright 2011 . Holy crap ! I 'm someone 's mom ! All rights reserved . No reproduction in any medium without prior written consent of the author is permitted . Back to top |
I know that , for a lot of people , New Year 's Eve is about a great big party . This was the case for me for years and years . But a few years ago I started getting into New Year 's Resolutions . Not so that I could resolve to loose the same five pounds every year . But to use the opportunity to do things I 've been putting off doing , to become more the person that I would like to be . I now work out on a regular ( kind of ) basis . I bring canvas shopping bags with me when I buy groceries almost every time . I have become SO much better about limiting TV time . I haven 't made Hamburger Helper in YEARS . My house is rarely a disaster area , I am still slowly replacing regular bulbs with those twirly low energy ones ( even though they are horrible to dispose of ) , and I am continually going through my things and making ples of things to give to goodwill . . . even if they sometimes take a long while to get there . I try not to make too many resolutions , because then they become too hard to keep . And the goal is to set them , keep them , and keep on keeping them , right ? And there are some that are personal , and that I would rather not share with you . But here are the ones I am comfortable broadcasting to the universe : FIX UP MY HOUSE - My house isn 't exactly falling apart , but there are quite a few rooms that could use attention . There are holes in walls I have simply moved furniture in front of , or hung pictures over . Some rooms are still wearing the paint they had on when we bought the place - not horrible , but I hate a lot of it , especially when I can see where the previous homeowners hung their pictures on the walls . I have already developed a schedule of what rooms I will be painting and doing over this year , and when . I 've already purchased a bunch of new paint , rollers , and even some tinted primer . And I am also proud of knowing about tinted primer , and when to use it . QUILT MORE - This is rather obvious , don 't you think ? It 's just that I have so many ideas , and want to do so much , but rarely do I actually get anything done . I need toPosted by I usually try and avoid posting about my husband or family members or either of my friends . The idea is that I usually post in good spirits , but something I feel is funny or harmless , such as " We saw Anne - E today . She has hair . Then we got stuck in traffic and it was such a pain " will come back to haunt me . Anne - E will reply or call me . " What do you mean it was a pain ? Don 't you like coming to see me ? The traffic wasn 't THAT bad . And what do you mean I have hair ? What 's wrong with my hair ? " So I usually just skip it , unless it 's my Mom , because she HAS to love me . So it 's understandable if I don 't usually post about arguments that Steve and I have . But today I am making an exception . Joke gifts can be funny . Sometimes , in fact , they can be VERY funny . But more often than not it leaves the person on the receiving end with something they did not want , do not need , and probably has no use for . For example , during the Yankee Swap we did this year I got the booby gift , and ended up with a giant burlap tarp , a beer holder , and something resembling a giant cheesecloth for wrapping around deer once they have been killed . The gift was funny ! But I have no idea what to do with the . . . um . . . deercloth . Regardless , when a person gets a gift from a Yankee Swap , I feel that person should take the gift home with them . One of the gifts opened this year was a bag of coal , funny , but not useful . Not for us , anyway , living in this particular century and with oil heat . And we didn 't even open it , someone else did ! Yet here it is , on my kitchen counter . " Do you mind if I throw this out ? " I asked Steve this morning . Steve looked at me . " Why would you do that ? " he asked . " Well . . . were you going to use it for something ? " " Is it BOTHERING you ? " he asked . And of course I want to say " NO , " because the way he asked the question made it sound that to say " YES , YES the bag of coal is bothering me ! " is to be INSANE . And to tell the truth , the bag isn 't bothering me . Yet . But I hate to leave things just sitting there . And Steve can just let things sit Posted by To avoid getting up too early , Steve and I decided that we 'd all go downstairs together at around 7am . Of course , the kids are too young to really grasp this concept , and as soon as I heard them talking Christmas morning I ran in to distract them with books . But I could only do so much . I was three pages into the first one when Nate tapped me on the shoulder . " I 'm just gonna go get my present ! I 'll be right back ! " And he shot into the hallway . He was halfway down the stairs when I caught up to him , screaming with the injustice of it all . There were a lot of gifts , more than there should have been , ahem ahem , not that we 're not all grateful to Santa . But there were a great number of gifts for three small boys to unwrap . It 's a lot of work . And panic set in - MY panic - a couple of times , when I thought the process would stretch out until late afternoon . The gift opening began with the stockings , which held battery powered toothbrushes for Nick and Nate . And every five minutes from that point on , Nick asked if it was time to brush his teeth . Each time I presented Nate with a wrapped gift he asked if it was his Wall - E toy , and eventually stopped opening them altogether in favor of riding around on Andy 's ride around Rocket . Andy did not unwrap any gifts at all , and had to be bribed to stay in the room with french toast toaster sticks . Nicholas was willing to unwrap anything , thank goodness , or we 'd still be there . I know I haven 't posted properly for a while . I know I haven 't posted any photos . Sorry . Things have been crazy here for the past few weeks , what with the power outage and then jumping headlong into Christmas . I haven 't hopped on the treadmill in weeks , and I think it 's really affecting my mood . Today I lumped around the house , trying not to eat leftover brownies and cookies , unable to focus on any one thing or project . Not sleepy , but not really feeling like DOING anything . . . But Monday everything will change . The boys will go to school . I 'll get a chance to work out and also to put away some of the toys they got . And I 'll stop feeling this nudgy , I 'm not doing a good job feeling . So just stay with me . Boxing Day ? It should be called " Recuperation Day . " I had a Happy Christmas , as we all did over here . However , it takes a lot out of you , and my brain isn 't up to speed yet . So here are some random observtions : Next year I am not wrapping any of the kids gifts . Why ? Extra work . Not the wrapping . I love the wrapping , actually . But once the gift is opened the paper goes on the floor . Then the boxed gift is handed to Mom or Dad who then has to rip it out of super enforced cardboard and undo the kabillion wires that hold the toy to the box . I swear they must spend more on the packaging and the " theft protection " than they do on the actual TOY . By the time to toy is removed from the box , the wires and the box bits need to be collected and thrown out with the wrapping paper , but the child has moved on to some other gift . Next year , instead of wrapping , I shall simply remove the toys from boxes and scatter tham around the Living Room . We now own every Wall - E toy in existance . There really is such a thing as too many gifts for Christmas . Especially for small children . I don 't know how long it 's going to take me to clean my house . This is a rebuttal post . Kind of . Yesterday , Larissa wrote this post on her blog , about how Seattle came to a stop after a whole three inches of snow . Hey , Seattle folk . That ain 't snow . I 'd post better pictures , but I haven 't ventured out of my warm , dry home . Note the swingset in the last photo , and how high the snow is on the swing and the see saw . Nicholas had a touch of a stomach bug or food poisoning or something . I feel bad , mostly because he was whimpering and complaining for awhile before we realized he was sick . With Nick it 's sometimes difficult to tell . This morning I took the boys outside to play in the snow . It took forever to get them into their snowsuits . Nick complained and was slow . Nathan ran around and wouldn 't listen , putting everything on in the wrong order ( boots first , pants second , etc . ) . But Andy was by far the most difficult to get ready . First of all , he has no ability to put on his own clothing . Secondly , even if he did , he has no interest in going outside . Thirdly , even if the outdoors appealed to him , he has no idea why he 's need the coat . Finally , as soon as I get anything on him , he makes it his primary goal to get it off . Once we did get outside , Andrew was perplexed . He walked around a bit , and then ended up crawling , which wasn 't ideal since the snow was deep and he had it right in his face . Nick and Nate decided to go sledding , and they each went down the hill twice . I went down once with Andy , with him on my lap . He didn 't cry , but he refused to crack a smile . Nicholas ended up crying because his hands were cold and running inside . Nathan cried because I made him go in . And Andy walked inside of his own free will , but oddly began crying as soon as I took off his coat . One night during the power outage , Steve and I were both giving the boys a bath , as the darkness made things spooky . As usual , Steve and I kept up a stream of constant chatter , and as usual , I steered the conversation toward the holidays , and eventually , Christmas Eve and who will be there . " And Grammy , and Nancy ! " I said . " Fancy Nancy ! " Now , I didn 't mean anything by this . Nancy is Lillian 's sister , and Fancy Nancy is a little girl who has her own book series that is kind of funny . But the Real Nancy isn 't what I would call ' Fancy . ' She 's a super duper lady , but ' Fancy ' isn 't one of the words I would use to describe her . " Is Aunt Nancy fancy ? " asked Steve ? " Yes ! " said Nathan . " Is Grammy fancy ? " I asked . " Yes ! " he said again . " How about Gramma ? " " Yes , Gramma 's fancy . " " What about Mommy ? " Steve asked . " Yes , Mommy 's fancy , " he said . " Well . . . What about Daddy ? " I asked . " No ! Daddy 's not fancy . Daddy 's COOL ! " DADDY is cool . But after a few more questions , I noticed a trend . Mommy is NOT cool , nor is Grammy , Linda , Aunt Anne - E OR Aunt Emily . We are all Fancy . Uncle Winston is not Fancy , he is cool , as are Mark , Uncle Jamie , and Grampa . See ? This impressed me , as Nathan still says things like " Grammy is going to get a new room in HIS house , and we should call HIM . " So he notices gender differences , even if the reach doesn 't go as far as pronouns . This photo is from Andy 's Birthday . See how the big brothers are poised to gently remove the toy from the baby 's arms ? Now that we have electricity back , I 'm in a MUCH better mood . I only hope they get it back today for the rest of the thousands of people still in the dark . I love Christmas , and sometimes I can 't help but try and get the boys excited , too . SO the other evening I got down on the floor with Nate . " What are you going to get me from Christmas ? " I asked him . He didn 't hesitate . " A Wall - E Toy . " " But Nate , You 're the one that wants a Wall - E Toy . I don 't want a Wall - E toy . You should get me something that I would like , like a picture , or a hair clip . " Nate got really excited . " Yeah ! I am gonna get you a hair clip with Butterflies on it ! " I smiled and nodded . " I would love a hair clip with butterflies on it ! " But he went on . " Or I 'm gonna get you a hair clip with Mommies on it ! And you can put it in your hair ! " " Mommies on it ? " I asked . And with no less excitement he said . " And I can get a hair clip with Nathans on it ! " I laughed . " Nathans ? " " And I can put it in my hair ! " He placed his hand delicately on his head . " And then I can be like a Nathan ! " " What are you like now ? " I asked . He looked at me like I was crazy . " I 'm Nathan ! " He said . Oh , of course . So . . . I guess I 've been a little depressed . This power outage is really bringing me down . I realize some people may be sniggering about my earlier posts about disliking the city , thinking this is soe sort of either retribution , or what you get for living in the boonies . And I could accept that , if I did indeed live in the boonies . However , it took me half an hour to get the boys to school on Wednesday due to traffic . There is not traffic in the boonies . This is a suburb , and should be thought of as such . I guess I 'm a little bitter . I check the PSNH website and find out that 75 % of the state has restored power ! And all I can think is to ask why oh why we had to be in that remaining 25 % . Maybe I 'm more bitter when Steve comes home and informs me that our street has power until two intersections away . How did that happen ? What I 'm really afraid of is that we 'll draw the short straw and be one of the 5 % who doesn 't get power back by end of day Thursday . In which case I might seriously crawl into bed and ignore the world until I can once again shower and pee in a lighted environment . And I won 't feel ridiculous 30 times a day because I reflexively flipped a light switch that should work by now , gosh doarn it ! Anyway , my attention to the power outage is also taking away from reporting on all the cute things my kids are doing and saying . So I apologize . I know I 'm depressing and boring and what can any of YOU do about it , anyway . Enough . I shall crawl into my cocoon of darkness alone and send only happy thoughts out over the airwaves . Wither , wither , moan moan , alas , alak . . . and someone send me brownies . Today Andrew is officially one year old . It probably means nothing to him . We already celebrated the event on Sunday . Today is just like any other day . It 's cold . It 's dark . We have no power . Oh ! But it is Snowing ! Yesterday I found a timeline of when power would be expected back , town by town . They had us down for Thursday . Which will make a solid week of running of our precious generator . This is assuming , of course , that we fall into the 95 % they need to consider a town " power restored " and also assuming the snow doesn 't slow them down at all . Let 's all hold our breaths , shall we ? We 're going on day five of running on the generator . Sunday we had a little party to decorate the tree and to celebrate Andy 's birthday . We picked up a pizza and Lillian brought cupcakes . I was only a little sad I wasn 't able to make them myself . The stuff is still sitting in the cupboard . Yesterday I went to Lillian 's and did 4 loads of laundry - at least she did . I helped fold . It should hold us off for the next few days . I realize that we are lucky . Many people in our situation have no heat at all , no lights at all , no running water at all . They are wrestling with frozen pipes and trees that are in their driveway . They are in hotel rooms or sleeping on couches . We 're in our own home , with heat all day , with lights in one room , with computer access , even ! I 'm just a bit tired of trying to figure out how to cook dinner without an oven or a stove . Of leaving dishes in the sink because it 's too dark to tell when they 're clean . Of trying to shove everything I need to do into the daylight hours . But the Gymnastics place was open today , and I was SO HAPPY to be able to bring the boys somewhere to work off that extra energy . We 're still powerless . . . so to speak . Yesterday I simply could not take it anymore , and had to leave the house to do some holiday shopping . And it wasn 't until then that the full impact of the storm hit me . I expected the store to be out of gas cans and flashlights . I expected it to be crowded . What I didn 't expect were the trees . By now the roads are mostly clear . But there are gaps where trees used to be . Some front lawns on my street look as though the residents went wild with a chainsaw in their front yards . Raw tree branches stick out oddly where limbs were torn off in the wind of by the weight of the ice . ice slivers and spots of greenery spot the road every few yards , marking yet another location a branch fell and blocked the street . Our town has no traffic lights . Crew members can be spotted lifting felled poles and fixing wires . And every once and awhile you can see a huge branch or tree leaning on wires . Last night we had Chinese food from our favorite Asian place , which also happened to be without power . The dining room was closed , the employees in sweaters , and the generator powering the kitchen . The bar was busy . Anyway , driving there in the dark , along the winding roads sprinkled with ice and wood splinters , I got a little spooked . And then , from out of the darkness , lights . Blinking lights , traffic lights , store lights , neon lights . . . it was like landing at night in Vegas . Suddenly I was so distracted and excited I almost missed my turn . Maybe the lights will come on now ? Now ? no . Ok . . . . now ? Yesterday was absolutely beautiful . In the afternoon , the sun came out , and all the ice glistened . I went out to get the mail and realized it had actually stopped raining , and that the rain sounds I was hearing was coming from the stuff falling off tree branches . The floor below the trees looked covered in smashed glass from the ice that fell there . And then it got dark , and then it got cold . Today we still have no power . Yesterday evening I visited PSNH 's site , where they did due diligence in covering their backsides . This ice storm is SO BAD , it will take days to clean up the mess and restore power . Some say this storm is as bad as the one in 1998 , and back then many people were without power 7 to 10 days . Now , I don 't mean to complain . We 've got a generator . We 're warm . We 've got running water , a fridge full of food , and electricity . But it 's all in moderation . We 've got one outlet in the kitchen that works , and we rotate it between the coffee maker , the microwave , the toaster oven , and a lamp . I can 't do laundry the way I used to , so that 's building up . I can 't run the dishwasher , but I 'm optimistic enough to keep stacking dishes in there , thinking that as soon as I wash them by hand the power will probably snap back to life . We skipped baths and showers , and I 'm feeling grungy - power or no power , we 're washing tonight . And a little TMI , but we 've become very relaxed about flushing . We have been listening to the radio , but the TV - one of those flat screen babies - takes WAY too much power , so far rivaled only by the toaster oven ( ? ) and the water pump . Not to mention that the generator goes off at night , so the house gets cold , the baby endsup in our bed , the boys wake up crying because " It 's Dark ! " and they are scared . And it 's only been one day . And we have a generator . I somehow think that , if I could just know when the power would turn ON , or if I could just figure out HOW LONG it was going to be , then I could figure stuff out , do the dishes , make things a little more permanent . But as for now we 're in a kind Posted by We 're in the middle of quite an ice storm up here . Our power is out , but it sounds as though a third of the power is out in all of NH . The schools are closed , and they are asking people to stay put . Not so much because of the roads , but because falling branches have blocked off many streets , and people then turn around to find the way they just came has become blocked with large tree branches , and they become trapped . So we 're stuck at home . Thanks goodness the LAST time this happened we were motivated to purchase a generator . We have electricity to the furnace , the well pump , the fridge , and to the living room . We can run the radio , and even watch TV . Steve even managed to hook up the wireless . I know there 's no photo in this post . But there 's a reason . Today we will be using our imaginations to create our very own individual mental images , and we can carry these around with us anywhere . Today was the second wet , cold , rainy day in a row . The boys took what I can only describe as a very short nap , and when they woke up I gave them each a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of milk . Then I dug around in one of the Christmas storage boxes and pulled out two santa hats . Nathan LOVES the Santa hats . He put his on right away , then started his usual afternoon routine , which is running around the house like a maniac , occasionally stopping to ask me if it 's TV time . I was folding laundry , and I didn 't catch it when he ran upstairs . I did notice him when he returned , however , because he had pyjamas with him . Nick used to love changing into pyjamas in the middle of the day , too . But Nathan doesn 't ask . He just changes . Which is what he did today . Only being Nathan , he didn 't change in his room . He ran upstairs , got some pyjamas , and ran back down the stairs . He then proceeded to strip off his clothes until he was naked . All except for the Santa Hat . This would be funny in and of itself , right ? But wait . Instead of then getting into his pyjamas , the ones he carried downstairs , he decided to put the clothes he took off into his hamper . Which is upstairs . So he picked up his clothing and ran upstairs , naked except for the Santa hat . And I went to grab the camera . I got a shot of him on the stairs , mid step , Santa hat on head , clothes clutched to his chest . But I do not post photos of my children unclothed on the internet , despite taking them for my own personal future prom date moments . So you will all have to make do with that mental image . We went to see Santa . The first year I took Nick to see Santa , he sat on his lap for exactly three terrified seconds - long enough for the lady to snap his picture - and then cried when I wouldn 't let him play with one of the teddy bears they had around Santa 's Lair as decoration . The next year he flatly refused to go . And last year I got both Nick and Nate to go . Why do I do this ? Why does ANY parent do this ? No three year old decides she wants to walk up to Santa and sit on his lap and discuss her behavior and how much she deserves a pony or a Bratz doll . No . A three year old takes one look at Santa and his long white beard , remembers all those songs about how famous he is , and turns around to walk the other way . So what is the point ? Why do parents think that taking the time to haul out to the mall , stand in line , and force their child to interact with a scary red guy is a good idea ? I will never know . When we showed up to visit Santa , a boy was crying because he was so frightened , and we had to wait until his mother calmed him down enough to get a good picture . The next little girl didn 't cry , but she planted her feet and refused to go into the little - er - den , where Santa keeps his big visiting chair . She also refused to turn around and face the camera , because apparently Santa is scary , and if she turns her back he might bite her . I was worried about my kids . Because they are all different , and each one might decide at any given moment that the visit wasn 't a good idea . I saw crying , tantrums , frightened clinging to my person , and small bodies flinging themselves on the floor . Not to mention the destruction Andy would do to Santa 's decorations . Well , the boys walked right up to Santa and started talking . They told him what they wanted for Christmas and smiled . Except for Andy , no one showed any hesitancy at all . And even Andy was able to sit on the little chair and pose for a picture . You can 't see me , but I 'm hiding off stage left because Andy kept wanting to get up and take down the decorations . As we left , thePosted by I don 't think I have ever had a Holiday shopping season which hasn 't involved time spent at THE MALL . When I was young , I did most of my Christmas shopping there . This was the Garden State Plaza , which was huge , but which grew considerably as soon as I left home . To get around in it , you needed a MAP and I am not kidding . Parking during the holiday season meant a long long walk . When I worked in Cambridge , it was next to a mall . I ate in the food court , and when I could afford it I parked there . So shopping there during lunch was almost inevitable . I need stuff for gifts , the mall has stuff for gifts , easy . The malls here are much smaller . And yet , when I attempted a shopping trip this weekend , I spent twenty minutes circling the parking lot before giving up . Today I showed up with Andy forty minutes before the mall opened , and walked around with a bunch of elderly people and women with infants . Apparently a lot of people do this to get exercise in the winter , when they can 't walk outdoors . Although how they do it without stopping for a donut at the food court I will never know . Going to the mall ( or to other stores ) is now second to online shopping for me . However , online shopping also has its drawbacks . For one thing , you can 't SEE what you are buying . What looks like a perfectly good item may arrive a different ( and unacceptable ) color , or three times smaller than you 'd imagined . Not to mention shipping charges and the trouble you might or might not run into having to remember login information - every time I order stamps online I have to dig up this old login and password and I JUST WANT STAMPS ! Why the heck do I have to have an account to do this ? Anyway , it 's only for a few more days . Because then I 'm going to have to wrap , and then I 'm going to have to figure out how to get these things to the correct people . I 'm not ignoring you , internet . I just have a lot to do these days . What with holidays and shopping and wrapping and all . Not to mention all the other stuff . Today after nap I took a good look at Nathan , who happened to be popping out of size 2T jeans , and I noticed how slim he looked to me . Sure , he 's still little and has this round little face , but his body is stretching , and he 's starting to look more like a boy and less like a toddler . " Nathan , you 're getting to be such a big boy , " I said . " Yes , " he replied , " And maybe when I 'm gonna be big , I 'm gonna get a KNIFE ! " ? He has made comments about knives more than once over the past few days . At first it frightened me , too , especially given his excitable and hysterical and rough nature . Because I pictured a large , sharp , pointy hunting knife . And I thought " No way in hell . " But then I realized he was talking about getting a knife AT THE DINNER TABLE . See , up until recently we didn 't give the kids knives . Because we had a hard enough time keeping them from killing each other with the forks . But in the interest of table manners , and also having kids that can cut their own food , I have started setting Nick 's place with a knife . And Nathan noticed . Tonight we threw caution to the wind and gave Nate a knife . We had to take it away once because he was playing with it , dancing his fork and knife together on his plate and letting them have some sort of conversation with each other until he knocked over his milk . But when he got it back he started using it . We had to teach him to use his fork to hold the food while he cut it , because he kept aiming for his fingers . But he learned how to cut up beets very well . Today we went to the mall and visited Santa . This post isn 't actually about the Santa visit , so the only comment I 'll make today is that both boys asked him for Wall - E items . Because they both LOVE Wall - E A LOT , just in case you haven 't heard . Up until today , the boys knew Wall - E existed in film , in video games , and on cupcakes . But until we walked into the Disney Store they hadn 't realized they could ask for anything more . The Disney Store had an entire Display dedicated to Wall - E . There were stuffed Wall - E and Eve 's , there were big robot Wall - E 's , little Wall - E and Eve figurines , and even additional robot figurines . There were Wall - E T - shirts and B & L hampers and even a life sized Wall - E robotic arm . There were Wall - E sneakers . The boys thought they had died and gone to Wall - E heaven . They wanted everything . They asked for everything . And I had to keep repeating over and over that we weren 't there to buy anything for ourselves today . All the while I was cursing Santa , how early he drops everything off at our house , and the limit I asked him to put on toys for the boys this year . I 'm not mentioning this to hint for any holiday gift ideas ( but seriously , if you haven 't gotten these boys anything , go there . ) No , what I 'm actually trying to describe is what I was feeling at that moment . Because I wanted to buy that stuff for them . I wanted to buy them every single Wall - E item in that store . All of it . Without a thought to price , to where we 'd put it , to how good it would be for them . I wanted to give it to them . To dazzle them with the glittery princess shoes and sneak the saleslady my credit card number so that come Christmas morning our house would be taken over with tiny robot figuringes . Why ? Well , I suppose because they are my children , and I want to see them happy and give them what they want . I think most of us feel this way about anyone we love when we see their eyes light up . The boys were SO excited it was just too easy to get caught up in it all . It would have been so easy to boy them each one thing . . . But I didPosted by I took a break from working out over Thanksgiving . And to be honest with you , my workouts before Thanksgiving week were not what you might call " regular . " No . " Sporadic " might be a better word . " Occasional " is another . But the workouts themselves were good ones ( mostly ) and I gradually increased the distance I was running . This week I finally reached 5 miles - no , not a grand total , a workout total . I think that 's quite a distance , even on the treadmill . Not only that , but today makes the first time I 've worked out three days in a row in . . . since I can 't remember . ( Technically , Tuesday I only ran 5K . But give me a break - I was still in recovery from the day before . ) So . . . hooray for me ! In honor of me working out , enjoy the photo of Winston doing the dishes . . Today I went through Andy 's clothes again . I was adding the 18 months clothes and putting away the 9 month stuff and the smaller 12 month stuff that 's been through the dryer too many times . Doing this I realized just how many clothes the boys had when they were little . Andy has dozens of outfits in his dresser right now . Not only did I buy him clothes , but everyone else seemed to want to buy him clothes , too . Because toddler clothes , like baby clothes , are very cute . And then when Nate got to be that size he got a few items , as well . These days Nick and Nate have just enough clothes to get them through the week , and there are some days - if I 'm behind on laundry and there have been a few costume changes - where I end up stuffing someone into a pair of pants one size too small . Putting Andy 's things away made me kind of sad , though . Because once I get all of those little clothes into storage I will probably never need to look at them again . The only thing better than being an evil mother is listening to your kids relate to each other about how evil you are . For example , this afternoon Nathan , who had not napped , ran up to me and asked me for an orange . " I 'm sorry , I had to throw the clementines away because they were rotten , " I said . Nate persevered and said " Then I am gonna have an apple . " I shook my head . " I 'm sorry , but I didn 't get any apples today . " How rude of me . Nathan was overcome with frustration , and ran away in tears . I then heard him talking to Nick in the next room . " Mommy said ' No , Apple , Nate ! ' Because she didn 't get any ! " I laughed to myself because . . . well , it 's just funny to hear . Here he is , telling on me and my harsh mother like rules , such as " you can 't have what we do not have . " And then Nicholas said - in the tone of voice that clearly meant his brother was SO LAME " Then just go get a banana . " " OK ! " Nate exclaimed cheerfully , and came back out to get a banana , which we had plenty of . He finished it before his tears were dry on his cheeks . I live in New Hampshire . I am a mom to three boys , a dog , and two cats . I think life is mostly funny . I love to write . I love to sleep . I love to run . I love cleaning and disinfecting in one simple step . I also really like pie , chocolate , and cookies , and anything made with both condensed milk and butter . |
Daughter earned two incident reports at the workshop today . Yesterday she told us about her plan for staying away from Flasher . She practiced it . She told us that she wasn 't ready for a boyfriend and was not going to look for one . Today she went to the workshop and spent the whole day ignoring the supervisor 's attempts to redirect her away from Flasher . She hit him . She stood up and cursed loudly at everyone in the workshop . . Of course , she didn 't tell me none of this . In the phone calls , she insisted she was staying away from Flasher and wasn 't being treated right . Case Manager called to fill me in . CM said this was the first they had seen of this behavior at the workshop , in the past she 's saved the anger and acting out for me . When she got home , I asked her about her day . I could see her mind working as she tried to figure out how much I knew . I told her it would be easier if she just told me the truth , and then she wouldn 't have to worry about what I knew . Instead , she decided to tell me nothing . She retreated to her room and has been there most of the evening . When she goes to her room , she sleeps . I don 't know how she can sleep this much , but she does . When she came down for supper , and I asked her if she intended to do any housework this evening . She told me to get off her back . I pointed out I wasn 't on her back - - all I had done was ask her questions , and when she refused to answer them , I hadn 't pushed . I 'm going to have to call her down to take her insulin and night time pills soon . . Tomorrow Flasher won 't be at the workshop , so it will be interesting to see how she does . I 'm not sure what I 'm going to do about next week yet . Right now I 'm taking it one day at a time . Posted by Daughter truly is resourceful and talented when it comes to pushing my buttons . I think it 's high time that I recognize and honor her ability here on my blog . So , in honor of her ability to make me yell , I offer you this list : Holy Week is always a good time to push Mom . As she is trying to plan sermons and worship services , tell her you want to have fun with her . Anytime she asks you to do a chore , fall asleep . When she is on the phone , sneak away with the remote control for the satellite . Tell her you 're cleaning your room while you 're watching TV in the den . Always wait until after all the laundry is done to find all your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper . Tell Mom that Kitten is always using the litter box and that you are cleaning it everyday . When she takes an electrician into the litter box room , allow her to discover that you 've been lying and that Kitten isn 't using the litter box and you haven 't been cleaning up after her . Tell Mom you took care of the blankets she had to wash because you wet the bed and then stuff them beside the dryer on top of the vent . Always use the last piece of toilet paper . Never hang a new roll . Eat the marshmallows she bought and hid to make resurrection buns for the Sunday morning children 's sermon so that she can spend an hour making an extra trip to town to buy more . Take advantage of anytime she can 't see you to sneak more food , and then assure her you haven 't eaten anything and you don 't understand why your blood sugar is so high . Always leave the light on when you go down to the basement to get something . This works so well , never turn off a light . When she is in a hurry , always take your time . She needs to slow down , so give her that opportunity every chance you get . It is especially helpful to stand outside the car with the door open asking questions when you 're late for an appointment . When she discovers the clothes you have hidden on the closet floor on one side of your closet , deal with those , but make sure you dump other things on the floor on the other side of your Reverend Mom I was talking to Sister today when the call was interrupted . She said it was the Dog Trainer returning her call . When she called me back she explained that the vet had referred her to DT after Puppy displayed some alarmingly aggressive behavior . They got Puppy from a rescue organization last fall . . DT listened to Sister 's description of the problem and asked her how long Puppy had been with the rescue people . He want on to explained that the behavior she is describing is common in dogs who have been separated from their mother too soon . He said that dogs learn their socialization skills from their mothers , and that 2 to 8 weeks is the critical time . He went on to explain that the cure is for Puppy to come to trust her completely . Puppy needs to know that she can be trusted to control the situation . . I listened with growing amazement , " You have a RAD puppy ! " . She sighed , " I know . " . DT doesn 't know if they will be able to get Puppy to trust so completely that the aggression can be controlled . He is coming out after Sister 's vacation to evaluate Puppy . Even for dogs that early bond with mom is key for their emotional well being . Even for dogs the lack of that bond can lead to aggressive behavior later . Posted by The church has decided to update the electrical in this house , which was built in 1900 . Today an electrician came by to check things out . It was a gift . I didn 't have to explain why there was an alarm on Daughter 's door , the only furniture was a mattress on her floor , and the room smelled of urine . I didn 't have to apologize for the fact that the rest of her furniture was spread throughout the rest of the second floor . . He saw the locked box on the kitchen counter and said they had one like that at one time . Then one of the kids took a screwdriver to the lock and destroyed it . He is the parent of adoptive children and at one time did therapeutic foster care ( until their daughter accused them of abuse ) . He understood . He 's living this life . We talked - - and part of our conversation was even about the electrical needs of the house . . School was closed today because of fog , so Secretary 's 4 foster sons were in the office with Daughter . It was a nice enough day that we sent them over to the park to play basketball . I shouldn 't say this , but for Tuesday of Holy Week I think I 'm in fairly decent shape . Maundy Thursday and Easter Sunrise bulletins are printed , and the main service Easter is ready to print . I 've got a sermon outline outline for Thursday evening , and the liturgy is all done . Sunrise is pretty much set . This afternoon we have a meeting at the workshop about Daughter 's return . She thinks she 's ready to go back 5 days a week now . We 'll see . She 's been dry the last two nights . . It 's a relief to have things going more smoothly at the moment . I will enjoy it as long as it lasts . Posted by Tuesday Daughter and C cleaned her room ( again ) . Currently she has a mattress and a lamp in it . Every day I 've been reminding her to take care of her room . This morning I discovered that she had a huge pile of dirty clothes in the corner and she 'd thrown clean clothes on the floor of her closet ( again ) . . I asked her , " Is it expecting too much to want you to take care of your clothes ? " . " No . You 're not expecting too much . " . " So what needs to happen so you will take care of them ? " . " You need to keep reminding me and check to make sure I do it . " . Before we headed to Town , she sorted all the dirty clothes and put them in the hamper . When we got home , I reminded her about her room . . " It 's done . " . " Did you hang up the clothes on the closet floor ? " . " Yes , I did . " . " Okay , come on , I 'll check it with you . " . " Okay , fine . I didn 't do it . " . " Well you 'd best go take care of them now . " . There are only a couple of items she needs to take care of . But since that time she 's snuck food , slammed doors , yelled choice thoughts at me , pouted in her room , and is currently sitting in a living room chair with her backed turned towards me sleeping . She hasn 't taken care of the clothes . I 'm back to wondering if I expect too much from her . This morning in worship our theme was praising . The children came in waving their palm branches , and they sang a wonderful little song that was set to a familiar folk tune . It took me a few minutes , but I finally identified the song : What do you do with a drunken sailor ? I found that amusing . As I talked to them during the children 's time , I taught them a call and response . . Call : God is Good . Response : All the time . . Call : All the time . . Response : God is good . , The kids really got into it . I asked them if they thought the congregation could do it . They didn 't , which was rather amusing . So we tried it with the congregation , and the congregation liked it . I kept them awake for my sermon by throwing that in every so often . . I 've been pondering God 's goodness this week . Daughter is more stable for now , and hopefully will continue to improve and have several months of stability before the next crisis . In the midst of the challenges with Daughter , it can be very hard to stay positive and see God 's goodness . I know I was called to be Daughter 's mom , and I tell myself God didn 't call me to her for it to end in disaster . When she is stuck in her downward spiral , that can be hard to remember . Just because I don 't remember it doesn 't mean it isn 't true . . We are now officially in Holy Week . Secretary has an appointment with a surgeon on Wednesday . Already we can see God 's hand at work in her health problems . She needs surgery on some torn ligaments in her knee . She had presurgical tests done , one of which was a chest x - ray . The chest x - ray showed a mass , which led to a CT scan . The CT scan showed something in the lymph nodes , which led to a PET scan . The PET scan shows that the mass on the lung is probably a calcification and is not a cause for concern . The lymph nodes , though , are a problem . If this is cancer , it was discovered before she had symptoms because of an injured knee . Like I said , God is good . All the time . Wednesday night , when Daughter was at basketball skills practice , one of her former boyfriends wanted to start up again . This particular one is currently in trouble with the law for sexting his current girl friend 's cousin , who is way under 18 . She told him no , and reminded him he was with someone else . She called me yesterday at lunch time and was upset because Sexting was mad at her for reporting their conversation to his current ( now former ) girl friend . The story had expanded , and he had told her he was going to do anything he could to get her pregnant . I told her she had been right to tell him no and shifted her focus to her birthday celebration last night . . This morning , as she was getting ready for her state tournament today , she told me she needed to tell me about something that had happened last night . Flasher had called her ( using Nice Guy 's cell phone ) after she had gone to bed . He wanted to know how long he had to stay away from her and when they could get back together . She says she told him no , too . She also reported that another of her friends at the workshop is pregnant . . I 'm inclined to believe her . I 'm pleased that she 's been saying no . I 'm concerned about the culture at the workshop and the current focus on couples , sex and pregnancy . The fact ( if it is a fact ) that she has turned down two overtures is an indication that she is getting stronger . She may be able to spend more time at the workshop . The pressure she is getting , though , is concerning . Will they wear her down ? Even if she is setting good boundaries , it doesn 't mean her friends will respect them . Many of them have issues beyond their developmental handicaps . They have a difficult time accepting and respecting boundaries . I will continue to do everything I can to strengthen Daughter , and hopefully she will continue to have the strength to say no . Posted by Today is Daughter 's 23rd birthday . With everything that has been going on , I hadn 't done any shopping for it until today . Yesterday I asked her what she wanted and we picked some place to go out for supper . This morning I had a breakfast appointments with a member who wanted to talk , and after I dropped her off , I headed to the super store . . I stood in the card aisle searching for an appropriate birthday card . I don 't want to tell her how proud I am when she is feeling ashamed of herself for wetting the bed every night . I don 't want to encourage her to follow her dreams , because many of them are unrealistic due to her limitations . The cards for young adults talk about how they are still in our thoughts even when they are away . Daughter is not only in my thoughts , she 's in my house . I didn 't want a kid 's card , but most of the cards for adults weren 't appropriate . I didn 't want to go with humor , because I wanted something that assured her of my love , even in the challenging times . I finally found one that I thought would work and headed to the grocery side of the store . . I wandered the aisles fighting tears . Birthdays are a time of celebration , and I celebrate the gift of Daughter 's life . I am glad that I adopted her , even though there are times when it is hard . I would do it all over again . Birthdays are also a time for reflecting on growth and progress . As I wandered the aisles of the store , my thoughts were on all the things Daughter can 't do . By the time I turned 23 , I had finished college and one semester of seminary . Far Away Sister was married and working as an electrical engineer on her 23rd birthday . Both of us were following our dreams . . Daughter has dreams , too . Unfortunately , not many of them are realistic . She 's not going to be able to become a nurse like Grandma . She isn 't going to be an ice skater competing in the Olympics ( last week 's dream - - I pointed out that she hadn 't even been able to handle roller skates ) . Marriage is probably beyond her . She wants to adopt a child , but she can 't even take care Reverend Mom I took Daughter to see Psychiatrist this afternoon . Daughter told Psychiatrist that she needed to get back to the workshop full time because , " Mom doesn 't like having me home . " . I was shocked and dismayed . " It 's not that I don 't like having you home . It 's very difficult for me to work when you are at home . " . Psychiatrist then asked Daughter if she was needy and clingy when she was at home . Daughter acknowledged that this was the case . . Psychiatrist told me she doesn 't see this as a medication issue , but a developmental issue . She explained what she thought was going on to me while Daughter sat there shut down . When we got to the car , Daughter told me she didn 't understand what Psychiatrist was talking about and it had bothered her . So I explained . I told her that Psychiatrist thought that part of Daughter wanted to move out and stand as an adult and live in a group home or supported living . There is also part of her that wants to stay with me and have me take care of her and keep her safe . Daughter immediately said , " Well she 's right . " . I went on to explain that we had talked about how she needed to move into a group home , but we would wait until after we had moved and then after we 'd been there about a year so she was comfortable with the area . I said , " Let 's put it this way , you are going to turn 23 tomorrow . The whole time you are 23 you will be living with me . She clarified this a bit , and said , " That sounds real good . " I could hear the relief in her voice . . This morning when she came downstairs I had her breakfast and lunch ready and waiting for her so she could eat in the living room and I could supervise her while I was doing my exercises . I followed her into the kitchen to take care of her dirty dishes and put her linens in the washing machine . I was silent , but she was talking about how she was too old to be wetting the bed and it was embarrassing and she couldn 't have friends over because of it . . Do I think we 're through this crisis ? I am cautiously optimistic . I think at the very least she is thinking moreReverend Mom Since Linda B asked , there isn 't really a recipe , but here 's how I cooked it . I have a pasta pot with an insert . Occasionally I use it for pasta , but most of the time I use it for other things , such as steaming meat . I put water in the bottom of the pan , dumped the spice packet in that came with the corned beef , and then put it on to cook . I had it hot enough to simmer , but didn 't want it boiling so hard that it came up over the meat . This time I didn 't need to add additional water , but sometimes I do . It was a small piece of meat , and it took several hours to cook . I cooked it until it reached 160 degrees ( Fahrenheit ) . When it was up to temperature , I pulled it out of the pan , let it sit for a couple of minutes , and then sliced it ( make sure you cut corned beef across the grain ) . . I don 't like the cabbage , potatoes , and carrots , though Dad used to do those . He 'd put them in the water to cook after he 'd pulled out the corned beef . He loved cabbage soup . I 've never been a big fan of it . Anyway , that 's how I did it . We 've finished most of it now . . I had a wonderful surprise this evening . C stopped by with her niece , who was born prematurely and might be up to 5 lbs now . She 's beautiful , and very tiny . It made my evening . . Two churches have now called me to set up phone interviews during Holy Week . I told the woman who called tonight that I couldn 't believe these committees think we 're available Holy Week for interviews . Of course I agreed to the interview . The two interviews next week are with suburban churches in more upscale communities . I 've been contaminated by almost 14 years in Tiny Village . I don 't know if I can do suburbia anymore . Plus , the suburbia I grew up in was definitely not upscale . God will provide the right place at the right time . . . . This week I cooked corned beef I had purchased for St Patrick 's Day and then hadn 't had time to cook . Dad was quite the cook , and he believed that boiling corned beef and beef briskets turned them into tough shoe leather . He always steamed them . So , I steamed mine . It is delicious , of course . I was thinking about how in the past I would have called him to see how long he thought it would take and ask if he had any pointers . He would have called me to find out how it turned out . I would have been required to describe the flavor and texture , and report on how anyone else who had eaten it had liked it - - especially Daughter . I had a moment 's regret - - I should have asked more questions while he was alive , and written down and preserved his answers and memories . . Last night I was puttering in the kitchen , and my thoughts turned to how I 've changed since Mom 's death 9 months ago and Dad 's death almost 6 months ago . I feel more adult , somehow . It doesn 't make sense . I am 52 years old , and so I 've been an adult for a very long time . I 've adopted a child , purchased ( and sold ) a house , bought numerous cars , invested money , completed 2 degrees , and done all the things adults do . The last few years , I was often playing the role of parent in my relationship with Mom and Dad . I helped them choose a retirement home , helped them prearrange funerals , helped Dad with computer and financial issues . So it doesn 't make sense that I now feel more like an adult . . A friend told me about a conversation she had a number of years ago with some colleagues . They told her that a man isn 't truly a man until his father dies . They had shared that with her when she commented on the changes she 'd seen in her brother after their father 's death . Her brother had suddenly become more responsible , more mature . Yet I 've been responsible for years . There had been a time when my parents would come spend a week taking care of Daughter so I could go to a conference . They hadn 't been able to do that for years . I 'd been standing on my own . I wasn 't borrowing mReverend Mom Well , how rubberized I 've become is about to be tested . Secretary went in for presurgical testing for a knee repair she had scheduled for after Easter . They found a mass on her lung . The CT scan showed something in her lymph nodes . She goes for another test tomorrow . One of the saints is taking her - - she thought it unnecessary , but we insisted . I 'd offered , but Saint is retired and has more time than I have , so it makes sense to let her do it . . We had a productive morning in the office , but I am very aware that she may be out of commission next week . The x - ray was Friday , CT scan yesterday , and another test tomorrow . I have already figured out what I will do to cover if she 's not able to work , but I hope and pray that won 't be necessary . She is a therapeutic foster parent for an RTC , and currently has 4 teenage boys . This will be very scary for those boys , especially the one who 's adoptive mother was killed by her husband . Keep them all in your prayers , please . Posted by I was contemplating the things I 've been doing to strengthen me and keep me focused while Daughter is being so challenging . This morning I received the weekly mailing from a life coach who works with pastors . He offers a free weekly email of tips . This morning he was talking about " rubberizing . " It 's part of being resilient , and being able to bounce back from challenges and stresses . . I loved that idea , and the way God sent me a word to explain what I have been doing . Now most of you have never seen me . I 'm obese , unathletic , totally lacking in coordination . Exercise and I have never gotten along . As of today , I 've only missed 3 days using the wii fit this month , and one of those days was the day after I fell and injured my knee . . I 'm doing 10 minutes of yoga for the stretching - - but none of the exercises that require balance , like standing on one leg . I 'm doing 13 minutes of rhythm boxing , and the last two days I 've been at 30 minutes of free step . During the free step , I listen to a podcast - - a sermon , teaching or some other thing that connects me to God . . I have discovered that what they say is true - - I have more energy , feel better , and am more focused when I begin the day with exercise and with God . I 'm ending the day by listening to a podcast of evening prayer when I go to bed . I 've yet to hear the entire podcast , because I 'm quickly asleep . . I am rubberizing myself with exercise and God , and that is what will get me through the challenges of Holy Week , Daughter , and whatever else life throws my way . Posted by Last night we had a board meeting . Since five strangers appeared in worship two weeks ago , people have figured out that I am looking for a new call and maybe moving soon . So , it came up at the meeting and we had a discussion . The responses were interesting . . There was dismay : " Is it something we 've done ? " . There was anger : " We have a right to know if you 're thinking of leaving . Why didn 't you tell us ? " . There was fear : " We don 't want to be without a pastor . Can 't we start looking for a new one now ? " . There were threats : " I told those people you are a heavy drinker . " ( I think he was joking . ) . We had an interesting discussion . I explained that I felt like my work here was done , and that it was time for them to hear a fresh voice . I indicated that I knew there were people who thought I should have gone some time ago . I explained that I wanted to find someplace that would have more options for Daughter . . They see the church as healthy , growing , and moving forward . They like my preaching . They would prefer I stay . I know there is one family where there are some members who are very frustrated with me . Two of them are currently on the board . One said that there were a couple of men with big mouths who aren 't going to control the direction of the church . He basically dismissed them as blowhards . He also commented on how attached some of the women are to me . He told me that he didn 't make decisions based on his kids , though he acknowledged my situation with Daughter is a bit different . The other person from that family acknowledged that they have some very lively discussions at family gatherings . I don 't doubt that at all . . I told them I may still be here in 5 years , but if I do receive a call , I will give them 6 weeks notice . I also strongly recommended that they get an interim pastor to help guide them through the time between called pastors . . I talked about the progress we 've made , especially in terms of accepting change . Part of our vision statement talks about communicating the unchanging news in new ways . We talked aboReverend Mom For months I have prayed every Sunday in worship for our leaders to set aside partisan politics and opinion polls to lead us in the way God would have us go as a country . I have not stated what I think it is that God wants , just asked that our leaders would know it and follow it . Now that 's not to say I haven 't had personal opinions , just that I 'm not arrogant enough to think that I know the mind of God . I have suggested that instead of telling God what to do , we should be asking God what we are supposed to do . One of my favorite lines ( and I don 't know who originated it ) is that we should approach God as a private seeking orders , not a general giving orders . . So last night health care reform passed the House of Representatives . Immediately people on both sides of the debate began attacking the bill as at worse , evil , or at best , a setback . I find myself wondering if they think all the prayers were for nothing . What if this is what God wanted ? What if all those prayers were answered ? I 'm not saying that is the case , I am saying that I think it is unbelievably arrogant to think that if things don 't go the way we want , God ignored our prayers and evil prevailed . . In my congregation I know that today there are a number of people who are angry and scared . I also fear that if I try to raise these questions with them , I will be seen as the enemy , and someone to be feared . I see the fear and mistrust within our country right now as unhealthy . Our security comes from God , not the government . There are many people right now who need to take a deep breath , step back , and ask themselves some hard questions . Perhaps beginning with , " Does God answer prayers ? If so , why do I think God is ignoring my prayers ? " . I grieve this morning , not the decision that has been made , but the demonization of those who disagree with us . Posted by So yesterday as I was writing a post celebrating the fact Daughter hadn 't wet her bed Friday night , Daughter was up in her room taking a nap and wetting her bed . I keep grasping on to any sign of improvement , but I need to remember not to celebrate too soon . . . . . This morning I discovered that she has been into the can of prunes , which she supposedly hates . I now know the reason for at least some of the high blood sugars . I made her eat her breakfast in her stinky room with the door alarm set while I was in the shower . She informed me the door alarm was pathetic . I readily agreed , " It really is pathetic that you won 't keep yourself safe and so I have to use a door alarm so I can keep you safe . " She didn 't have a response to that one . . This is going to be a very busy week . I 'm very behind on my Holy Week preparations . This is also newsletter week , and the youth group is responsible for the Wednesday evening meal , which means I 'll have to do much of the work . I won 't be getting a day off , I just hope that Daughter doesn 't create a crisis to further mess up my schedule . I need to work hard at staying in the station while she rides the roller coaster . Posted by Yesterday evening the youth group gathered for an evening of planning and fun . We planned the Easter Sunrise Service . I went in with the Easter story from the Gospel of John and asked the kids to reflect on the reactions of Mary Magdalene , Simon Peter , and the Beloved Disciple ( now nicknamed BD by the kids ) . I asked them which one they identified with , and what they thought they were feeling . I wrote down notes , planning to turn their ideas into something we could use later . But three of the kids volunteered to be Mary , Peter , and BD for the service , and they wanted to write a conversation between the three of them immediately . I was impressed . . The four of us went upstairs to the office , and the rest of the group played games with Advisor while we all waited for the pizza to arrive . Mary , Peter , and BD created a short skit in contemporary teenage language . They were really excited about it and into it . I was impressed with their ideas and the ownership they took of the process . I was their scribe , typing things into the computer . . Downstairs Daughter was going into pathetic mode . Advisor ignored her . She demanded attention from Advisor , telling her she didn 't feel good . Advisor looked at her blood sugar and said , " Well that 's good . You can have some pizza when it gets here . " When the mom brought the pizza from town , we went back downstairs to join the group . Daughter tried to engage me in how sick she was , but I wouldn 't engage . She could only eat part of one piece of pizza because she felt so bad . Not my problem . She ended up going upstairs and hiding in the women 's restroom for the next 3 hours . One of the kids went upstairs to invite her to come back down ( after asking my permission ) , but she refused . I checked once to make sure she hadn 't come home . . The rest of us had a good time . They got me on the drums on Rock Band , and my score wasn 't very good . One of the boys told me it was okay , his first score had been worse , and he was in band ! . Daughter didn 't wet the bed last night . She 's done pretty well today , eReverend Mom One January evening over 13 years ago , I heard cats carrying on outside . Our neighbor fed all the wild cats in the area , so I figured one of them was in heat again and went to bed . When I got up the next morning , I could still hear a cat complaining , so I opened the front door to investigate . There , huddled in the corner of our large porch , was a small yellow kitten . I asked , " What are you doing out there ? " His reply was to come running into the house . Daughter was none too pleased about me allowing this strange kitten into the house , but she got on the bus for school , and the tiny kitten sat on my shoulder talking to me while I washed the breakfast dishes . I made a run to town for supplies , and when Daughter got home that evening . Cat was officially a member of the family . She chose a name for him . Cat attached himself to me . He was very affectionate , and would rub his face against my face . I sometimes felt as though he was trying to climb into my nose . Like all cats , he made it his mission in life to keep me from reading . If I sat down with a book or magazine , he would get between me and the reading material . He slept at my feet , and if I was up later than he liked , he 'd sit at the foot of the stairs and meow at me . He learned quickly not to disturb me during the night , but as soon as the alarm went off , he was there , bugging me to get out of bed . He 'd lead me into the bathroom , where he 'd jump on the counter and wait for me to turn on the water for him . One night at Bible study , one of the men was lecturing me on the superiority of dogs as pets . Cat came into the room and sat down in the middle . He glared at the man for a moment , then pointedly turned his back on him , checking back over his shoulder to make sure the man knew he 'd been snubbed . When Daughter received Kitten as a graduation gift 3 years ago , Cat was none too pleased . In time though , he adjusted . He was very patient when Kitten would push in front of him for the food . He 'd wrestle with Kitten in the morning . The only time things got ugly between Reverend Mom Daughter was at the workshop today , so I was supposed to be able to work uninterrupted . She called a little after lunch to tell me she needed to go to the hospital . Her blood sugars were off and she had a headache . I assured her she didn 't need to go to the hospital and told her to focus on something else and she 'd feel better . . The nurse called to tell me about yesterday 's accident report and that Daughter was complaining about not feeling well today . " It 's attention seeking behavior . Help her focus on something else . " . I was visiting with some of the saints at the nursing home and Daughter called . I told her I was busy . She had some questions . After she told me for the third time she had questions but wouldn 't tell me what they were and ignored me when I told her I was busy , I informed her I 'd see her when she got home and hung up on her . . Overall , it 's been a productive day . In addition to pastoral care over breakfast , I 've done 3 nursing home visits and worked on the Easter Sunrise service . The youth group is gathering at the church from 7 until 11 tonight . We 're going to work on Easter Sunrise , eat pizza , and play games . It will be fun . I 'm sure Daughter will try to make a scene . . I 'm not looking forward to her being home for the next 5 days . I haven 't gotten my sermon done for Sunday , so I will be busy working on that tomorrow . She won 't like that at all . Maybe I can get her to sleep all morning after she 's up late tonight over at the church . Therapist told her that if she continued to phone me multiples times a day from the workshop , it would tell us she couldn 't handle being there . She may not be able to handle being there , but I think she can cope with that better than I can cope with her being home with me 7 days a week . . Cat is not doing well , and that is hanging over our head . She wants to take him over to the church tonight in case he dies . I assured her he 'd be fine at home , and pointed out he was alone much of the day while I was out doing my visits . I think she thinks I sit home and eat candy and plReverend Mom This morning I had breakfast with a mom . She has a number of normal Daughters , all young adults . Several are dealing with personal struggles right now . Because she knows something about Daughter , she knows I understand her struggles . She knows that when I tell her to set boundaries , I know how difficult it is . She knows that when I talk to her about who owns the emotions , I am speaking from experience . . I 've learned a number of lessons from being Daughter 's parent that I 'm able to share with other struggling moms . To share just a few : . Protect your boundaries . Our children 's emotions belong to them . We are not responsible for them , and we don 't need to share them . Stay off the roller coaster . Just because our kids are taking a wild ride doesn 't mean we have to accompany them . We can love them from the station , and be waiting for them when they get back to the station . Give them responsibility for their decisions and actions . We are not responsible for rescuing them . Pick one message and repeat it until it sinks in . With Daughter , my message has been , " I will keep you safe while you are learning to keep yourself safe . " As she 's gotten older , I 've emphasized more her need to keep herself safe . I think now the message has transformed into , " You have a voice and can use it to keep yourself safe . " Certain things can send us into Mama Bear mode - - no matter how old our children might be . We can 't stay in that mode indefinitely without it having an impact our own health and well being . We have to take care of ourselves ( and especially our marriages ) if we want to be there for our children . We will always be their parents , and we will always worry . We do need to let them grow up and stand on their own two feet . We had a good breakfast and conversation this morning . It was the beginning of a conversation . I hope it was as helpful for her as it was for me - - when I am teaching and supporting others , I am also reminding myself . I need those reminders on a regular basis . Posted by Daughter turned depressed and tired at the workshop this afternoon . Case Manager told them , " Of course she 's tired . She 's been up since 4 : 00 a . m . ! " She has asked CM to tell Flasher she doesn 't want to have anything to do with him . We suspect that she is afraid she isn 't strong enough to break up with him herself . She called me around 2 : 30 to tell me about Flasher 's letter . I told her we could talk about it tonight , I was busy . She was very offended that he called me names . Apparently , she 's the only one who is allowed to call me names . . The agency that provides respite is unable to provide anyone for the 3 days I requested . So , I 'm hiring C , my personal assistant / housecleaner / organizer / whatever to come stay with her 2 days next week so I can work . Daughter knows C , and C knows Daughter . While Daughter was in the hospital C hung up all the clothes on her closet floor . Daughter had dumped some more clothes on her closet floor , so I threatened her with C . . C came tonight and we once again cleared of my desk and got some items ready to go in the mail . We also talked . As C knows , part of the reason I hired her was because I knew she was depressed and struggling . I wanted to give her something to do and sneak in some pastoral counseling . It has been beneficial for both of us . Some days there 's more pastoral counseling , some days there is more work that gets done . . Because C was here calling Daughter to task , Daughter finished the laundry she didn 't fold this morning . She hung up the clothes in her closet . When I yawned she told C I was tired because she kept waking me up . It may be a blessing that the agency didn 't have anyone available . C will do a wonderful job with Daughter and hold her accountable . If she can cover Tuesday and Wednesday , I should be able to get the work done I need to be ready for Holy Week . . Secretary saw a surgeon yesterday about her knee . They wanted to schedule her surgery for Holy Week , but she told them her preacher wouldn 't let her have surgery Holy Week , so they pushed it off until after EaPosted by I was sitting in the church office when my cell phone rang . I recognized the workshop 's number , and told my secretary , " This is not good news . " One of Daughter 's friends had delivered to her a letter from Flasher . Daughter had sent it on to Case Manager , who had read it and called me to fill me in . Flasher wanted to know if they were still going together , assured her of his deep love for her , and told her she had to get rid of me , because her friends thought I was a * itch . . I told CM that Daughter would certainly agree with that assessment after our morning . At least they have something concrete now to show that not all of Daughter 's stories are fantasy . CM will talk to Flasher on Monday , which will be his next day at the workshop . The letter confirms that it is not a good idea for the two of them to be together right now . . The good news is Daughter has not called me today . Therapist told her that if she continued to call me multiple times a day , we would think she couldn 't handle being at the workshop . She didn 't like that idea . . More good news : she will be back at the workshop tomorrow . . Even better news : for the first time in weeks Cat followed me into the bathroom , jumped up on the counter , and demanded I turn on the water for him . I had to help him get his hind quarters up onto the counter , which I did gladly . I also was obedient and turned on the water for him . He was happy . Posted by Daughter 's door alarm woke me up at 4 : 00 a . m . She told me she couldn 't sleep and was going to get in the shower and get dressed . Fine . . When she finished in the bathroom , she asked if she could go downstairs and check her blood sugar and get something to drink . I wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I didn 't want to get out of nice cozy bed , so I told her she could . The she came in and put Cat on my bed , telling him he could sleep with me . At 5 : 30 she was once again hovering over me . That was when my patience ran out . " Go to your room and don 't come out until I tell you to ! " . " Am I waking you up ? " . " Go ! " . My radio came on at 6 : 00 , and at 6 : 20 I got up and told her she could come out . I came downstairs and took care of the things she needed in the kitchen : lunch , pills , breakfast . Her blood sugar was 38 points higher than it had been when she 'd checked earlier . She was offended that I didn 't believe her protests that she hadn 't been into any food . It wasn 't fair that I wouldn 't trust her . I watched her take her pills and her insulin , and then went into the living room to begin my wii fit routine . . I was just beginning when I heard a suspicious sound . Returning to the kitchen , I found Daughter adding another package of oatmeal to her bowl . She insisted that she had a reason for doing it . She was doing it because she was mad . I emptied her bowl into the trash and fixed one package of oatmeal for her . I made her bring her food into the living room so I could do my routine and watch her . . In between aerobic segments I retrieved the laundry basket from the back porch and brought in to the living room and told her to start folding . She refused . She sat on the couch and pouted while I did the step routine . Now she 's out waiting on the bus . It 's a very good thing she 's going to the workshop today . A very , very good thing . . . . It feels like Spring today . The temperature outside is 62 , so I opened some windows . For the first time since I moved here over 13 years ago , I can easily open the windows since they were all replaced this winter . I can hear birds and kids . Cat sat up and looked out the window for a while . I think he has been more active today , so maybe he will improve some . . Daughter was picked up a little while ago to go to practice for basketball skills . She did pretty well today , doing a decent job with most of her assigned tasks . I took advantage of her being home to catch up on laundry , which she hates . I love having it all caught up ( at least until we get ready for bed tonight ) . Tomorrow she will go back to the workshop . I will be able to take care of some pastoral care needs with her safely at the workshop . . I received an email from the church I 've been talking to . I had about given up , figuring a rejection letter was in the mail to me . Several of their members are on vacation , so they are waiting for them to return to make a decision . The waiting is hard , but if I am going to move , the longer we have to stabilize Daughter before the move , the better off we are . Notice that I think she can be stabilized . I also read an article today that made me very grateful we didn 't get the call to the church I interviewed with at the end of January . They have had draconian cuts to medicaid in that state , making it almost impossible to find providers willing to take any patients with medicaid . While my insurance is primary , I have still found that it is very challenging finding people willing to take her on . . While life is going to be challenging for the next few weeks , I 'm feeling more confident about getting through them . As I mentioned this morning , my devotional material last night and this morning spoke directly to the challenges . Today I wrote the service for next Wednesday evening , and found that it spoke directly to them , too . I guess God realizes I 'm a little bit dense , and that one reminder or even 2 or 3 aren 't enough to get Reverend Mom The bus picks up Daughter a little after 8 : 00 , so on mornings she 's going to the workshop , she has to be up and moving by 7 : 00 . I have decided I 'm not going to wake her up , because the longer she 's asleep , the longer I have alone in the mornings . So this morning she came strolling down the stairs about 8 : 30 . " Is it too late to call the workshop and have the bus pick me up today ? " . I pointed out the time , and when I got off the phone reminded her that she couldn 't go to the workshop because she wasn 't keeping herself safe from Flasher . Last night I told her she needed to come up with a plan for the day so she could begin turning things around . She did , and the work she had given herself was reasonable . This morning I added bringing in the recycling bins and putting away the clean dishes to it . . I went up to her bedroom , and discovered she had put her urine soaked night clothes on the carpet . I called her up and reminded her that I had told her she couldn 't put any wet things on the carpet . I told her she was ruining the carpet , and this wasn 't even our house , it belonged to the church . She took the items downstairs and added them to the washing machine . . After she finished breakfast she came into my study and I held out the list . She informed me to forget it . She felt too guilty to do the list , she was just going to work on her room today . I told her it was her choice , but if she didn 't take care of the list , there would be consequences . She told me again she wasn 't going to do it . I told her that was fine . She tried again . I informed her I wasn 't going to fight with her . She stormed upstairs and announced that she wasn 't even going to clean her room , she was just going to it . Her room stinks , and the mattress is still wet , so it 's not going to be very comfortable up there . . She came back down and demanded the list . She tried again to pick a fight . Again I refused to take the bait . It could be a very long day . I am determined , though , that this is her problem and will remain her problem . . As I prepared supper and woReverend Mom So we had our meeting at the workshop today about Daughter 's return and strengthening the instructions for respite providers . First challenge : Psychiatrist 's Nurse said they will not fax anything - - such as a return to work order . Workshop agreed to accept a letter from Therapist , fortunately . . Daughter was uncomfortable with the discussion , so decided to go out on the workshop floor . We were discussing how to handle Flasher and what we could do to try to keep them apart when we got a call from the workshop floor . Daughter went out and made a beeline for Flasher . She had had conversations with Psychiatrist , Therapist , and me about how she would keep herself safe and stay away with him . As we were pondering what to do , Daughter burst through the door and told me we had to leave now . I calmly informed her that she did not control me and I was not leaving without knowing a reason . . She was furious because her supervisor had asked her to sit across the table from Flasher instead of right next to him . The bottom line : for now she is just going to attend the workshop on Thursday and Friday , when Flasher is not present . She says it will be that way until she dies . The rest of us are hoping that in a couple of weeks she can go back full time , but it probably won 't be until after Easter . . I am facing my busiest season of the year with Daughter under foot the majority of the time . We 're going to see about getting some respite providers in to cover at least part of that time . Case Manager warned that there is going to be a new man starting . We know that Daughter will try to catch him . We know it will end badly . There 's nothing we can do to prevent it . For some strange reason , I 'm exhausted . . Oh , and Cat is not doing well . I anticipate taking him in to be put down by the end of the week . Sigh . Posted by Yesterday Therapist did some problem solving with Daughter regarding her bed wetting . I 'd already explained that depends wouldn 't work because Daughter soaks through them . So Daughter and Therapist decided she 'd take her pills at 7 : 00 and then she wouldn 't have anything more to drink . . I dutifully provided her pills a few minutes after 7 : 00 . . This morning I looked in the refrigerator , and realized that a gallon of milk was missing . A full gallon . One of the two gallons I bought on sale Sunday . I stood there trying to figure out what could have happened to it . . I went upstairs and opened the door to Daughter 's room , and my nose was met by the usual stink from her urine . There , on top of the trash , was an empty milk jug . She drank the entire gallon of milk last night . The entire gallon . It didn 't make her sick . I 'm sure her blood sugar will be sky high when she comes down in a few minutes . She 's upstairs showering right now . A full gallon of milk . Unbelievable . Posted by Daughter was home with me today . She wet the bed last night , and has now managed to soak so much that it takes 2 loads to get her linens washed . We picked up Cat this afternoon . Cat doesn 't like the special diet . So it 's going to be a challenge to keep him going . I brought some of it home , and have mixed it with his regular food . He turned his nose up at it , but Kitten liked it , of course . . We saw Therapist this afternoon . We made plans for the meeting at the workshop tomorrow . I 'm going to ask for daily reports on her work output and on her ability to separate herself from Flasher . We 've been very clear that if she can 't stay away from him , she won 't be able to be at the workshop on the days he is there . . I 'm waiting for a phone call from the church I 've been talking to . I figure if I don 't get a phone call by Wednesday , I can expect a rejection letter . God will provide the right place at the right time . Hopefully soon . Posted by On the way home from City , I laid it out for Daughter . When her mattress dries , I can seal it in a bag to get rid of the odor . The mattress won 't dry if she leaves the plastic mattress protectors on during the day ( or if she takes them off and wets the bed at night ) . It 's her problem , and I 've stopped caring . ( Hopefully if I say that often enough , I 'll convince myself ) . She did finally apologize , and it seemed sincere . I thanked her for the apology . We spent an hour together in the car , and very little was said . . I 'm not a country music fan , but Daughter is . I 've heard this one a few times , and the chorus has been running through my head all day . Not all the lyrics fit , but far too many do . . While Daughter was in the hospital , I washed all the linens in her room , using fabric softener with something to get rid of odors in the final rinse . We had cleaned the mattress , and I sprayed it numerous times with febreze , but it wasn 't getting rid of the odor . Friday I bought a zippered mattress protector , planning to seal the odor away in that . C had hung up all the clothes Daughter had dumped on the closet floor , and reorganized her drawers . My plan was to have the room back together when she got home . . She was discharged sooner than I had planned , and her mattress wasn 't dry . Friday night she put the two waterproof mattress pads back on and made the bed . I wouldn 't let her take her suitcase from the hospital and all the bags from her locker at the workshop upstairs because I didn 't want her getting overwhelmed and dumping them . Yesterday C helped her put all of those things away . In the process they found the socks I have been missing and asking about for weeks - - Daughter had them stuck behind some books on the shelves on her desk . . She stripped the bed again and put a fan to blow on it to try to speed the drying process . Yesterday evening I washed her hair and rolled it on big rollers and put her under the hair dryer to take some of the kink out of it . At bedtime it was looking good , so she put a hair wrap on to keep it looking good for today . I told her to just put the mattress pads back on and throw a sheet over them . I told her she could just sleep under a comforter for last night and we 'd see about getting the sack on her mattress today . . Of course with the time change last night was a short night . I was moving a little more slowly than I would have liked , and right before I got in the shower I opened Daughter 's bedroom door . She wet the bed . She hadn 't put the mattress protectors back on , so the mattress is now soaked with urine again . She had taken the wrap off her hair , which was exceedingly frizzy as a result . . To say I was furious would be an understatement . I let her know I was furious . I made her Reverend Mom It was the fastest discharge we 've had from the psych unit . When I got there her blood sugar was over 300 . The nurse had the paper work ready , so we repacked the clothes we 'd unpacked the night before and came back to Town . Daughter claimed her cell phone as soon as we got in the car , and began calling friends . She 's worried about Cat , and disappointed when I explained that he 's not in kind of hospital where we can go visit . . Her blood sugar was acting up . She 'd been very low before lunch , so she hadn 't had insulin . We dropped of prescriptions and went out to eat . I gave her insulin to cover the high blood sugar with supper and by bedtime her blood sugar was back in range . As soon as we got home , she went upstairs and plugged up the toilet . That happens every time she 's in the hospital , unfortunately . She didn 't wet the bed last night , so that 's good news . She still hasn 't unpacked . She had cleaned out her locker at the workshop Tuesday before I picked her up , so she had a number of bags she brought in from the car in addition to the suitcase . I wouldn 't let her take them all upstairs , because I figured she 'd get overwhelmed and not get the things put away properly . I told her she can take them upstairs a little at a time . . Psychiatrist reduced the strength of her catapres patch . I 'm a little concerned about this , because it has been a miracle drug for reducing her rage and volatility . She did it because of the ER visit , when they decided she has low blood pressure and was dehydrated . We 'll see how she does with it . . Cat is improving . He had an appetite this morning , which was very good news . Vet had said some cats won 't eat the special diet . . Right now , things are going well , and hopefully that will continue . I bought a zippered bag for Daughter 's mattress , and we 'll put that on today . Hopefully that will get rid of the odor in her room . It 's going to be a busy day , but a good busy for the most part . I 'm grateful that I don 't have to go back to Big City until her appointment with Psychiatrist on the 25th . PostedReverend Mom Lots going on . Lots running through my brain . So prepare for a dump . . Cat has been off the last couple of weeks , and yesterday I picked him up and he was light enough and off enough that I called and got him into the vet this morning . He has advanced kidney disease . Neither Daughter nor I need another death to deal with right now . They are treating him with IV fluids over the weekend in the hope he will perk up . We may be able to bring him home on a special diet and keep him going for a while , but it 's not good news . The special diet will be a challenge with Kitten around . I 've always just had dry food and water available at all times . That will have to change . . I talked to Case Manager several times this morning . She needed more concrete details for an investigation . We talked about how to approach Daughter on getting the truth . I shared my concern that Daughter doesn 't know what 's real right now . We talked about pulling Daughter out and setting up respite for the days Flasher is at the workshop . If we 'll be moving soon , that will work . Maybe it can be temporary until Daughter is stable on the new drugs and can handle going back . Daughter 's supervisor moved to a different program , so they have had 3 floating supervisors for her group . I told her I think Daughter needs consistency . She agreed . They 're rethinking the floating system , but I asked that if they keep that , they move Daughter to a different group with a consistent supervisor . She thought that was a good idea and was going to deal with that today . We talked about the challenges involved with Daughter 's struggles with reality and the long term implications of it . Not a pretty picture . CM was quite adamant that I cannot continue to live with this kind of stress . . Sister told me this morning that I was like someone who has lived in a war zone for so long I 'm no longer aware of it . . Social Worker from the hospital called . Psychiatrist has discharged Daughter . I can pick her up this afternoon . SW mentioned again the need for an investigation . I told her about Posted by When I visited Daughter yesterday and she insisted that she 'd broken up with Flasher , she said she 'd done it because of the things he 'd said about us . . " What did he say ? " . " He called me the n word and said you were white trash . " . " Really ? " . " Yes , I told him you didn 't smell like trash so you weren 't white trash . " . I am grateful for reason to smile . Are you all glad to know I don 't smell like trash ? I made the journey over to visit Daughter this evening . It 's always disturbing to visit - - I have to go through a metal detector and many locked doors to get to her . She was pleased to see me . Her blood sugars are now in line - - they figured things out . She 's drinking lots of water now , because apparently she was a little bit dehydrated at the ER yesterday . She 's always a little dehydrated , because she doesn 't like to drink anything . . She says the voices have stopped - - that they 're scared . She still has only a tenuous grasp on reality . Tuesday she couldn 't break up with Flasher . Tonight she told me she broke up with him on Tuesday . I pointed out the contradiction . She didn 't have an answer . I said I wasn 't sure she knew what was real . " That 's the problem ! " She seemed to think I was really slow for just figuring that out . . Psychiatrist came in while I was there , and ordered another increase in the trileptal , which will put her up to the mid range of effectiveness . Psychiatrist sees Flasher as a predator , and wants him reported to adult protective services . She also sees Daughter as too child like to make her own decisions - - she 'll always be too easily influenced , and thus people like Flasher are a real threat to her . . Case Manager didn 't take my concerns about Flasher too seriously . Therapist and I have a meeting at the workshop Tuesday on the respite situation . There will be much to address during the meeting . I 'm considering pulling her out of the workshop the days Flasher is there . Interestingly , Daughter seemed to think staying home from the workshop on the days Flasher is there is a good idea . That tells me the situation there is very bad right now , because she hates missing any days for any reason . To be cut back to only 2 days a week there would usually generate big protests , but not today . I think I 'd arrange respite care for the afternoons she doesn 't go to the workshop . I 'm generally around in the mornings working on sermons and administrative stuff . That would leave me free to do my visits in the afternoonReverend Mom Daughter hasn 't called today . This could mean she 's doing better and doesn 't feel the need to talk to me . It could mean that she 's mad at me because I didn 't offer enough sympathy when she was in the ER last night . I admit that I 'm a bit surprised , and have considered calling over to find out how she 's doing . I 'm going to see her tonight , so I guess I 'll find out soon enough . Posted by Daughter has found a new audience . She has one that hasn 't seen her tricks . When I got home from church tonight there was a message on the machine . A rather cryptic message giving the hospitals initials and saying to call this number . Privacy and all . So I called . A rather nervous nurse seemed relieved that I had called . They had found Daughter on the floor . She said she 'd been light headed . Her vitals were fine . They called the doctor . They shipped her to the ER . . I told the nurse it was attention seeking behavior and I hoped that they were making her miserable in the ER . The ER doctor just called . She thought Daughter had had a seizure . I told her she hadn 't - - it was attention seeking behavior and she had a history of psychogenic nonepileptic seizures . I talked to Daughter . I didn 't offer her any sympathy . I suggested it hadn 't worked out very well . She wasn 't ready to admit that she hadn 't been seeking attention . She tried to tell me there had been a witness to the seizure . I told her I knew she could be quite convincing . I assured her I loved her and I 'd see her tomorrow evening . Definitely not the response she was seeking . . They are treating her diabetes now , and her blood sugars are coming down into range . . We had a wonderful supper and worship service this evening . We did sound checks on the prodigal son and the older brother in preparation for Sunday . They were satisfied with the parts I had written for them . I encouraged them to make them their own and get it into their own words . I sought out one of the readers from tonight 's service . Her part had hit very close to home - - it mentioned suicide and her daughter is suicidal . We talked briefly about that . I made arrangement to meet someone to take shut - in communion tomorrow to one of the saints . . Daughter is someone else 's problem right now . She can ride the roller coaster . I 'm waiting in the station . Posted by So yesterday I was proactive in addressing Daughter 's diabetic needs . My hope was that by doing this , we 'd avoid the kind of problems we 've had in the past . So last night , of course , they didn 't have the orders and so didn 't check her blood sugar and give her insulin before supper . This morning Daughter called me , sobbing . . According to her ( and I am aware of the fact that her reporting is not always accurate ) , they didn 't check her blood sugar this morning or give her insulin before breakfast . When they finally checked last night , she says her blood sugar was over 300 . They didn 't give her anything to bring it down , just her regular bedtime basal insulin . She said she didn 't sleep well and didn 't feel well . High blood sugars can lead to ketoacidosis , so I 'm not surprised she didn 't feel well . . I told her that it was her responsibility to keep herself safe . I told her that she needed to talk to the nurse and tell her she wasn 't safe because they weren 't taking care of her diabetes . I told her she needed to tell Psychiatrist what was going on when Psychiatrist came to see her . I told her it was her responsibility , and she could do it . . Then I called Psychiatrist 's nurse . I gave the standard disclaimer , " I don 't know if this is true , but . . . . " She was horrified and assured me that couldn 't be the case . I told her we 'd had problems in the past , and explained that I 'd instructed Daughter to talk to her nurse . I explained I just wanted to make sure Psychiatrist was aware of what Daughter had reported to me , and that someone else knew in case Daughter didn 't follow through . She was going to call the unit right away to find out what was going on . . I get so tired of going through this every time she is hospitalized . I keep wondering , if highly paid RN 's can 't handle her diabetes , how can I expect the workers making less than $ 8 an hour in the supported living situations to do it ? . I called and talked to Case Manager this morning . They don 't have a way to keep Flasher and Daughter separated if they don 't want to be separateReverend Mom Nothing like exploring Scripture with two fine young men to energize me . I love my job . Anyway , since I 've been re energized , I 'll share the story of how Daughter got herself hospitalized this time . . As all of my readers know , Daughter has not been doing well lately . Some of the things that issues that were raised with Psychiatrist : She hasn 't been sleeping well . She was up at 5 : 00 this morning . She doesn 't seem to have a good grasp of reality . She has been trying to hurt herself in a variety of ways . She keeps going back to Flasher , even though she admits he is dangerous . Today she said he 'd been " touching " her in " private " places . It 's the first I 'd heard of that . Who knows if it 's real . It 's unclear how much of this is medication related and how much of this is related to the toxic environment at the workshop . As Psychiatrist pointed out , she 's claiming she 's been molested , which would be a very powerful trigger for her PTSD . I said I thought Flasher was a symptom , and not the cause . She said she 's not able to break up with Flasher . When I pointed out she did Friday , she said the only reason she could do it then was because I was in the room with her . She was presenting as very depressed , with her head down almost to her knees . It was hard for Psychiatrist to get her to say anything . She has been wetting the bed . She wet the bed again last night . The three nights she was dry began with her breakup with Flasher . She agreed to be his girlfriend again yesterday , and wet the bed last night . She is putting herself in what she knows are dangerous situations . When she left this morning , I told her to turn the ringer on on her cell phone , and I would call her when I got to the workshop so I wouldn 't have to park the car and go in . She called while I was on my way , and I told her I 'd be there in three minutes , so to be waiting for me . When I got there , she wasn 't waiting for me . So I called her . I called her multiple times . She wasn 't answering . When she finally answered , she told me I 'd have to come in , because she couldn ' Reverend Mom Daughter had an appointment with Psychiatrist this afternoon . Psychiatrist admitted her . It only took 3 hours this time - - almost 5 when I include travel time . I had to cancel shut - in communion . . Now I 'm home . In a little bit I have two young men coming to work with me on a dialogue about the Prodigal Son . After they leave , I will head for bed . I am exhausted . I will share more tomorrow . . From the time she got home Daughter was acting the victim trying to get my attention . She was falling , complaining of vague physical complaints , and when I ignored it , she kept escalating . We sat down to supper and Sister called . Daughter got a pained look on her face and retreated to the living room . When I asked her what was wrong she ignored me . She came back into the kitchen and sat down across from me and started shaking uncontrollably . . " Stop it ! Take a deep breath and relax . You 're fine . " . Sister asked what was wrong . " Daughter is trying to get herself into a seizure . " . That made Daughter mad . She immediately stopped shaking and told me to shut my trap . I got off the phone , and pointed out that ever since she got home , she 'd been trying to get my attention . I pointed out it wasn 't working , and it might be more effective to use her words and tell me what she wanted . She got mad . She finished her supper while I cleaned up . . " I 'm sorry . " . " What are you sorry for ? " . " For acting the fool . " . I hadn 't been aware of all the times she had intentionally fallen , which is probably good . She informed me she 'd been trying to break her ankle . We talked about how she 'd been mad because I was busy when she got home . . Her grasp of reality is still tenuous , at best . She is back with Flasher , who has an engagement ring for her and tickets to Hawaii . He has a friend who is going to finance an apartment , furniture and food for them . I was quite clear about the fact that none of this was true , and she didn 't contradict me . She still thinks it 's unfair that I don 't approve her relationship with him . I listed the ways he has hurt her and lied to her , and asked if she would approve if I were in a relationship with someone like that . She was horrified - - of course she wouldn 't . But she still can 't figure out why I won 't give him another chance . I told her once again that I can 't stop her from being his girl friend , but he is not welcome in our home and I will not help her go meet him . I am so unreasonable . Posted by Daughter has fallen twice since she got home . I 'm working very hard at not reacting . I think she 's jealous of the attention I got when I fell yesterday . She wants that kind of attention . I 'm sure she 's frustrated right now that I 'm not offering it . It 's an ongoing struggle getting her to use her words to state what she is feeling and what she needs . . I 'm sure part of her frustration is that I have been busy since she got home . I was finishing clearing off my desk when she got home , and I 'm working on laundry . I 'm listening to sermon podcasts while I work . She hates it when I 'm using my ipod . I try not to use it when she 's home , but today I was in the middle of something and was going to finish it . It will be interesting to see how long it takes her to tell me what it is she wants . Posted by This morning Daughter woke up in a dry bed and was cooperative . As she ate breakfast , we had a conversation : . " That 's three nights in a row I haven 't wet the bed . " . " That 's great ! " . " That shows what happens when I 'm not as stressed and angry . " . Sometimes she amazes me with the insights she has into her own behaviors . It would be nice if these insights would help her when she 's in the midst of the acting out , but I guess that 's expecting too much . She called me at lunch time today and demanded to know if I had my knee elevated . I told her I didn 't at the moment ( I was at lunch with a friend ) , but that I was fine . Yesterday she responded to my injury by being needy . I had to fix lunch and supper for her . Today she 's showing more appropriate concern . When Sister called this morning , Daughter refused to give me the phone until I had my knee elevated . I 'm not sure which response is more annoying : being needy , or being bossy . I am cautiously optimistic that the new medication is beginning to work . Maybe it won 't be another full month before she 's stable . Daughter thought it was totally unfair that she had to remake my bed yesterday . She 'd apologized , wasn 't that enough ? Unfortunately , the mattress wasn 't dry by bedtime , so I made her set up the guest room for me . She 's upstairs making my bed right now . She didn 't wet the bed last night . Do you suppose there was a message for me in her wetting my bed while taking a nap ? . The committee from Small Town was in worship today . Of course a few people figured out what was going on . Most likely all of Tiny Village will know by tonight that I am interviewing for a new church . We had a bunch of kids in worship this morning , and they were very lively during the children 's sermon . I loved it , and I 'm sure it impressed the committee . We really have some great kids here right now . Daughter still doesn 't know . I will take her over there to see the community as soon as they offer me the call . I 'm anticipating hearing something in a week to 10 days . They are hearing someone else next weekend . . On to the title of my post . Fortunately , the committee from Small Town was gone before this happened : Following worship I was trying to set up a time to get together with the two young men who are doing a dialogue as the prodigal son and older brother next Sunday . I went back to the pulpit to get my blackberry and check my calendar . I was entering the appointment as I can down the steps ( okay , it wasn 't quite texting ) , and managed to miss the steps and land on my face . I have two cuts from my glasses and a hug bruise on my left cheek bone . My right wrist ( the one I just had surgery on ) is very sore and stiff . My left knee is badly bruised . While I was trying to collect my dignity , Daughter was freaking out . She ended up kneeling behind me with her head on my shoulder crying . She was terrified . I kept telling her I was fine . The crowd who gathered kept telling her I would be okay . She wouldn 't stand up so I could stand up . . They were trying to convince me to come straight home and elevate my knee and put ice on it ( they 'd gotten ice for my facReverend Mom The interview today went very well once I got there . There were complications getting out - - like a button that fell off my suit and had to be sewn back on . I never did find my lipstick - - Daughter loaned me hers . Daughter was in a cooperative mood this morning . She didn 't wet the bed last night , so she was proud of herself . . I liked the people and the community . There were lots of positives about the whole situation . Now we 'll wait and see . I 'm one of 2 still in the running . They 've read through over 250 resumes and done numerous phone interviews . They had 3 people they brought in for interviews last year , and now 2 of us this year . I think it could be a good place to be . . Daughter and Respite went shopping and out to eat while I was gone . Daughter decided against a movie , and was taking a nap when I got home . I went upstairs , and her bed was empty . She was sleeping in my bed - - and she wet it . Sigh . Daughter came home and showed genuine remorse . She was truly sorry for hurting me . She hadn 't meant to . Gradually the story has come out . Apparently Flasher has been sitting next to her and keeping up a constant line of chatter . Among his topics of conversation : . Daughter 's only problem is Mom , and therefore getting away from me would solve all her problems and make her happy . . He has been telling her what he wants to do with her in a sexual context . She was quite horrified by his descriptions of what he 'd do with fudge sauce . . Now the good news in all of this is that Flasher is only at the workshop Monday - Wednesday . Even better is the fact that he doesn 't have phone privileges , so she can 't talk to him when he 's not at the workshop . . She wanted to work tonight . I sent her upstairs and made her use the cleaner I purchased on her mattress . She told me she had a sore on one of her butt cheeks . I told her it was probably from sleeping in urine all night - - it would cause her skin to break down . I 'm making her face the consequences of her bed wetting - - and hoping they are substantial enough she will stop doing it . . She has been extremely affectionate , and told me she needs to be back under my wing , and wants to go back to line of vision supervision . . We 're watching a show off the DVR . Flasher just called . He told Daughter that she can 't move in with is Dad , but he knows where there is an apartment she can have . She told him she 's not moving out , and broke up with him . . She wants to stay with me , and hopes we will be moving soon . She also desperately wants to have a boyfriend . Life is hard for her right now . I hope we will be able to get a fresh start in a new community , and that the workshop environment there will be a little less toxic . Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . . |
It had been a quiet night at station 51 but the three alarm fire they had responded to just before bed had taken enough out of them that it was still hard to throw their covers off when the wake up tones sounded . Still everyone at the station managed to pull their feet onto the floor , stretch for the ceiling and yaawwnn . Everyone that is except Chet Kelly who lay on top of his blankets with full turn outs on staring at the ceiling as if he were in a trance . " Sure you don 't need to be checked out ? " He asked . " I seem to remember you going down on your knees during that fire last night . Did you get hurt when no one was watching ? " " No Cap , " Chet tried to move his arms away from his side but even that effort seemed stiff and unnatural . " I really need to use the facilities , " He tried to push past his crewmates and leader but they were reluctant to move . " You wouldn 't want to cause me to have an accident now would you ? " At that John turned and allowed him passage but once he was out of the room the remaining five shift mates shared questioning looks with each other . Their normally joyous , prankster of a shift mate had been extra quiet all shift . Having just returned from vacation he spent most of the shift off on his own anywhere his crew mates weren 't and quiet . Everyone had been afraid that he was planning some great joke on all of them and they were all walking on egg shells being extra careful when ever they opened a door or a cupboard the whole shift but now as they thought back on the shift they realized he really hadn 't been himself . " Well , " Hank broke the silence . " We have twenty four hours off and then at the beginning of the next shift he will talk to me or , or I 'll call in the department shrink . " " Guys come quick it 's Chet , " Marco called running from the locker room and pulling the compartments of the Squad opened . They all raced into the locker room carrying gear to find the place empty . Chet 's locker was standing open and his uniform shirt was tossed uncharacteristically reckless in the bottom of it but there was no Chet to be found . While they were checking the shower and toilet stalls they heard a car started in the drive and hurried out to see Chet 's van pull out with Chet leaning on the steering wheel as he drove wearing his t - shirt . " He was favoring his right side , " John tried to remember ; " if it was his heart it would be more likely that he would be favoring his left but it 's not impossible . Do you know when his last physical was ? " John looked to his captain who didn 't readily know . Hank arrived early as usual to get a jump on his paperwork when he drove into the back lot he was surprised to see Chet 's van . After making a quick check to see if anyone was in the van Cap hurried into the locker room and looked around . He quickly changed into his uniform as he mentally prepared himself to be firm with Chet until he got some answers . As he buttoned his shirt and tucked it in he swept the dorm area incase Chet was hiding out there . From there he entered the bay area meeting up with Ron Tollins the preceding shift 's Captain . " The rest of your crew are gathered in the common room , " Ron spoke softly , " My men will hang around for a while and cover what ever comes in , give you a chance - " He stopped . He had only heard the one word but that was enough to know the team would need some time to regroup when the word was given out with what ever other information went along with it . " I have the replacement with me ; do you think an hour will be enough ? " Ron stepped back out into the bay and waited until Hank and his man were able to leave the office at which point he offered his hand to Chet . " If there is anything I can do for you , just ask . " He said and watched as they proceeded to the closed door to the common room and paused to take in several deep breaths before entering . " What 's going on here ? " Roy asked as soon as Chet and the captain walked through the door together , Captain Stanley 's hand on Chet 's shoulder as they walked . It was easy to tell by the look on both of their faces that their fears were well founded . " Let 's all have a seat here , and a , yeah , let 's start by all taking a seat . " Captain Stanley managed to get out as he pulled a chair out and guided Chet into it before taking one himself . John , Roy and Mike quickly followed suit , Marco was already seated . " Chet , Chet here has something to tell us , " Captain Stanley spoke again and then you could hear a pin drop as Chet took a deep breath and swallowed hard . " I 've been diagnosed with cancer , " he said matter of factly looking straight ahead , avoiding eye contact with everyone , " It involves the pancreas , lungs and the liver , " Every mouth in the room fell open and every face began to blanch . " They can 't tell where it started with out more testing but at this point it doesn 't really matter . The Doctor says I have between three months and a year . " Slowly Chet pulled to his feet and faced his totally devastated friends . " My replacement is already here waiting for you guys to be ready to go to work , I just wanted to say good - bye , and , " Chet 's eyes over flowed with tears as he slid his tongue to the teeth in the back of his mouth and took a couple of deep breaths . " And tell you all that it 's been a great honor and privilege to serve with each one of you . " Chet silently turned and started walking toward the door , " Chet ! " Cap stopped him and then fought with his emotions . " Buddy , don 't go . Don 't leave like this . Give , give us all a minute to catch our breath . " " I 've been feeling a little off my game and having some chest pains for a while , my physical was inconclusive so they sent me to a specialist , I spent my vacation having some tests run , the Doctor told me the results two days before I came back . " Chet slowly moved back to his chair and sat down , " And then yesterday I went to another Doctor to get a second opinion . " " So that 's where you went when you left here . " Roy finally found a voice but the news was clearly still registering with him . Chet looked down at his trembling hands clasped together on the table . " I knew that wasn 't going to happen when I had all those attacks last shift , I just wasn 't ready to talk about it so I couldn 't let you guys work on me . I saw John , Marco and Cap at my apartment and heard all the phone messages , I didn 't mean to worry ya , I just , I just had to have some time . " When Johnny was able to control his emotions enough to speak he stepped back and held Chet 's head in both of his hands forcing the young fireman to look at him . " Chet , you listen to me , this is not good - bye , not yet , what ever you and your doctor decide today you 're not going to go through this alone . " John took a deep breath and swallowed hard , " I 'm sure I speak for all of us when I say we 're going to be there with you to the end . " They heard on the in station radio that the rubbish fire was out and knew by the time requested for clean up that the last shift would be returning in a few minutes . Knowing they couldn 't keep those men around to cover for them all day Hank was able to encourage his men to go to the locker room and wash their faces a little in hopes of pulling themselves together . " Have you told your family yet ? " Captain Stanley spoke from the bench in the locker room as his men took turns washing their faces and blowing their nose . Chet sat next to him slumped and solemn but somewhat composed still noticeably guarding his right side . " No , No not yet , " Chet stammered as he thought about what he was saying . " My , my mom 's birthday is in a couple , a , in a , two and a half weeks and I think I want to wait till after that to tell her . " " I just don 't want to ruin the last birthday we 'll have together . " Chet sat next to his Captain and surrounded by his crewmates and he felt strength in numbers , borrowed strength but strength none the less , strength he needed to take into his next appointment . " I was kinda thinking of doing some fishing , for a couple of days and get out in the fresh air . Depending on what the Doctor says this afternoon . " Chet continued to ramble feeling uncomfortable with the silence of his still stunned crewmates . " That sound 's like a great idea , " Johnny smiled . " After next shift we 'll have four days off . I could take you up to that place you really liked , that place with all the good fishing . " " Could , I come with ? " Marco asked also wanting to spend some time with his friend before his health got any worse . " I 'd agree to do the cooking . " " That sounds like a great idea . Let 's get Chet to come back here after his appointment and then if the doctor approves we can plan a camping trip . " Captain Stanley solidified a plan as he heard the bay doors opening to admit the returning crew . " No , not yet , " Hank sat on the corner of the desk to relieve the weight on his legs . " I just haven 't thought that far yet . This is the first time I 've left Chet since he told me . We 've all been worried about him since last shift but I had no idea - - " Shortly after A - shift took over Squad 51 was called out to assist station 110 with a construction accident with injuries . They welcomed the situation that commanded their thoughts . Once their patients were in the capable hands of the medical staff however it all came crashing back to them . They knew they needed supplies but they hadn 't yet done inventory because they had spent their morning rallying around a friend . So instead of producing a list of the items they needed they pulled the drug box from the squad and did their inventory at the nurse 's station . " You know we deal with death everyday , " Johnny talked again keeping his back to his friends . " Every time we come to work we know something could happen to one of us at any moment but how can you prepare for something like this . How can - - - I 'm , I 'm trained to help people to save their lives but I can 't , what do I do for Chet . I can 't - - " Johnny 's eyes were moist as he closed them tightly and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and fingers to dam up any leakage . " What I don 't understand is how it could have gotten so advanced with out us knowing something was wrong ? " Roy exclaimed . " I mean we 're required to have an annual physical and we 're always together . Is this something that 's grown since his last physical or have we just been so unobservant that we 've missed all the signs ? " " An Oncologist could take weeks to answer that question but I think the only answer you need right now is that it happens . We do physicals to check for warning signs of trouble but there are some forms of cancer that just don 't show up until it 's too late . And other forms of cancer that just don 't have much of a success rate no matter how early you catch it . " " Did he tell you where the cancer is ? " " Do you think he 's still suicidal ? " Bracket asked carefully . Both men looked at each other and took in a deep breath and let it out before turning back to their friend . " You 've said all the right things so far . " Roy commented as he kept his eyes fixed on the road ahead , " While you were telling him we were all going to be there for him , I was wracking my brain trying to figure out how all this happened . " " While you were telling him you 'd take him fishing , I was wondering if it was caused by all the chemicals we come in contact with on our job and if we were all at risk . " Back at the station the rest of the guys were getting into their regular routine with the exception of an extra fireman just hanging around . When the squad backed into the bay Chet was sitting on the running board polishing up the hose nozzles and smaller pieces of equipment that Mike would hand to him . Everyone watching him could see him grimacing and pushing his elbow in to his right side but no one wanted to make much of it under the circumstances everyone understanding his wish to be clear headed for his appointment . No one even dared joke about him never being clear headed but they all thought about saying it at least once to try and lighten the mood . When Roy and John got out of the squad Roy walked around from the driver 's side to stand next to his partner between the two trucks . Taking Chet in , they could see behind his mustache that he was pale and clammy and lacking in energy . There was no question in any ones mind that he wasn 't a well man . Every fiber in their body wanted to call in for permission to start and IV and put him on oxygen . It wasn 't long before Roy had held back as long as he could and he walked over and took hold of Chet 's wrist to count a pulse . Roy swallowed hard and turned an emotional eye to his patient . Finally he gave out a deep sigh and answered . " I couldn 't do it today but when it 's time . . . I 'll be able to . " The two paramedics looked at each other and sighed . " I 'm sure there 's something in the refrigerator let 's see what we can find . " Roy said as he took hold of one of Chet 's arms . " It 's been worse , " Chet grimaced as he leaned back into his chair and took a few deep breaths . " It 's starting to ease up now . I 'll be alright . " " I bet you didn 't get much sleep last night Pal . " Captain Stanley thought . " Why don 't you go lie down on your bunk for a while , until it 's time to go to your appointment . " The rest of the afternoon was spent looking at watches and the clocks on the wall . Every time the phone rang they all jumped to attention . Steve Hill , Chet 's replacement really felt like the odd man out but he understood where his temporary shift mates were coming from , he just had no idea how to help them , nor did he know Chet well enough to feel as they did . " At one o ' clock " Captain Stanley let out a deep sigh . " That was a good two hours ago , you don 't think he could still be there do you ? " His question was turned to the paramedics whom he thought would be the best ones to answer him . There was more pacing and Roy handed out the information that Dr . Bracket had gathered for them . Every one glanced at it but no one had it in them to study it thoroughly . Dinner was reluctantly fixed and was slowly going on the table when the phone rang again . " Chet ! " Captain Stanley 's remark instantly brought the station in a half circle around him as he talked on the phone . " It 's good to hear from you , we were afraid you tried to call while we were out on a run . " " That 's good to hear I 'm glad your feeling better . Do you need some one to come drive you home ? That 's nice , yeah sure he 's right here . John he wants to talk to you Pal . " " Hey sure Chet anything you ask , " John took over the phone conversation as everyone else sighed a ' that 's good ' to Caps report in the background . " Sure Chet , how many nurses do you want and what hair color ? " John smirked and everyone knew what the other half of the joke was . " O kay . . . Okay . . . Yeah sure . I understand Chet and I respect your decision , " John answered glumly as he closed his eyes to stave of the tears before continuing . " Sure I 'll be there as soon as I get off shift in the morning . " " O Kay , " There was long pause punctuated by John 's emotional sighs as every one else waited and held their breath . " No , " I 'm a Fireman Paramedic and I 'm trained to give shots and have done so lots of times and my partner will also be there with us I 'm sure we can handle it . " John then covered the mouth piece of the phone and turned to Roy , " We can handle giving him his pain shots don 't you think ? " " I 'm already planning to be there tomorrow , I 'm sure I can handle things once you 've shown me how it works . All right I 'll see you then , can I talk to Chet ? Hey Chet Are you going to be alright ? Are you sure you don 't need some one to stay with you tonight ? Okay I 'll come strait from the station when I get off . Call if you need anything . . . . Night or day , All right I 'll see you in the morning . " John hung up the phone and rested his head against the wall for a moment before he turned to face his crew mates . " He 's going to forgo any kind of Cancer treatment and a , just go straight to Hospice . He needs some help filling out the treatment guidelines and his living will and someone to witness his signature and a , hospice wanted to know if they needed to send one of their people along on the fishing trip to monitor and administer his pain meds . They 've set him up on a continuous feed pump for maximum pain management . " When Chet opened the door his friend was pleasantly surprised at what he saw . Chet looked good , really good and he didn 't look drunk or totally doped up . A Close examination showed his pupils were slightly dilated but John expected a lot worse . A lot worse . Chet 's statement sent red flags up in John 's mind but he tried not to let it show . The two men sat down at the kitchen table and ate . Chet only managed to eat half of his breakfast and offered the rest to John which he inhaled . Then came the daunting task of filling out all the papers Chet had been sent home with . there was a whole lot more to making a living will that just saying do not resuscitate , he needed to state his wishes on what religious practices and leaders he wanted involved , feeding tubes , respirators just at night , having his lungs drained , whether he wanted to die at home or in a hospital , should he allow them to put him in diapers toward the end . " Since I 'm not letting them experiment on me while I 'm alive should I donate my body to science after it 's all over ? " Chet asked his friend . John thought for a long moment and after several sighs and blowing out several deep breaths he finally looked Chet head on , " I really don 't know what to tell ya there buddy , what do you think your Mom would want ? " " Chet it 's not a burden , you 're going to be buried with full honors and that 's that . " John was tearfully yelling at his friend after a lengthy conversation . " And I know the rest of the guys at the station feel the same way . You can ask them yourself when we go fishing in two days . " John welcomed the change of discussion it was all starting to ware on him but what happened next wasn 't that much easier . After adding the hospice workers witnessing signature to the treatment plan she began to show John how the device that Chet was now wearing on his belt worked and how and when to refill it . Slightly different from what John was used to but not difficult to learn . She then showed him the standing orders which he understood better than he wanted to and together they went through the supplies that she brought with her . Roy and Hank were the first ones to arrive at the station the next morning at the start of the next shift . They had both spent some serious time in their wives ' arms being drained of their grief and refilled with strength and energy to go on with . Their camping gear was already loaded in their trucks in anticipation of the fishing trip that they were both dreading and eagerly looking forward to . They had both called to check on Chet while they were off and been pleasantly surprised by the party atmosphere in the back ground making it easier for them to face the new shift and answer the questions of the ones who had so appreciatively given them the time to learn how to breath again just last shift . " Johnny , I could tell by the look on your face yesterday that there was something that you weren 't telling us . " Mike inquired with out asking a question . John finished loading the boxes in the compartments and kept his back to his coworkers but all that was accomplished was that Marco and Captain Stanley joined the group . When John turned around it was clear to everyone there was more to what was going on than they knew and clear to John that he needed to tell . " It 's just that it means things are worse that I thought they were . They can 't increase the dosages much more than they are and as things get worse and there is going to come a time when the liver won 't process the meds at all and let them do what their supposed to do . " John explained . " I do , " Johnny responded after a deep sigh , " normally I park my rover here . Hike this trail and camp here , " He pointed to the map , " It 's real private and the hike is part of the trip for me . But it 's a ten mile up hill hike and I 'm not sure Chet 's up to that right now . " " Are you thinking of taking us someplace else ? " Captain Stanley inquired , " I mean the way Chet was talking this place is kind of special to him , I know I for one would be willing to take part of his load to make it easier for him and you said yourself that this could easily be his las - " the words froze in thin air as he started gasping and chewing on his tongue . " Last chance for anything like this , " Cap forced out willing himself to be strong for his underling . The next morning the men were tired after working a late night auto accident but they couldn 't even think of not going , even delaying the trip seemed unbearable . While they waited for the next shift to arrive John helped Roy move his camping gear over on top of his rover and Mike and Marco combined their gear with Captain Stanley 's so that they would only need two trucks . The second Map was clearly marked with their route and destination and placed on the captain 's desk with a note to Captain Tollins . Hank had called him the night before to ask if he would mind being their anchor and of course he was very willing . Chet had spent his most pain controlled twenty four hours in weeks . Surprised that the doctors had been able to help him reach that state of comfort with out putting him in a coma Chet spent his day writing letters . There were so many things that he felt for his brother 's at the station . Things he never wanted to tell them for fear that it would go to their heads , no in truth he couldn 't handle the thought that he 'd break down crying as he tried to tell them and he couldn 't have them thinking he was an emotional baby now could he . But once he was gone he wanted them to know how much he really admired each of them and what an honor it had truly been to work along side of them . He had been warned that the time would come when his treatment program would not be adequate to manage the pain and he was very aware of how long it had taken them and how many times they had increased his med 's before he reached a level of comfort sufficient to doze . Still he needed additional help to take care of the attacks of pain that seemed to be coming more frequently . Everything was happening so fast and yet in slow motion . If only he had been able to throw himself under that wall before it fell during the big fire the last shift he worked . But he had been too slow to act , to uncommitted to making that his end . HE had delayed following the Captain 's orders to get out , half hoping he would get another chance when he realized that someone would just come in after him and he couldn 't put their life at risk like that . When he did finally decide to pull out he had had one of his attacks and it had been so severe that he buckled to his knees barely able to keep the hose from whipping away from him . If Marco had been on the hose with him like he usually was he would have been endangered by Chet 's actions , He spent that last night at the station thinking about what he had almost done and hating himself for putting his friends and brothers at risk . He knew he had fought his last fire . Still he had had a flicker of hope things weren 't as bad as the first Doctor had said they were . How stupid he now felt to have held on to that hope . As he placed the last of the letters to his crewmates in an envelope and then all of them in a bigger envelope Chet 's thought turned to his mother . She was a nurse and a damn good one , he knew that she was going to take a leave of absence as soon as she found out so that she could be with him every minute of the rest of his life . She had so wanted grandchildren but it was up to his sister to fill that order now . Not only had he failed to supply her with grandchildren Chet knew he was about to put her through a hell no one should have to go through . She had already done diaper duty on him she shouldn 't have to do it again . He found the jacket he had been wearing at the station and pulled the bottle of pills out of the pocket . He hadn 't wanted to take them before his doctors appointment because he had to make sure he understood what the doctor was about to tell him . Now he toyed with the bottle in his hand and vowed it wouldn 't come to the point of being in diapers . When the meds he was taking no longer worked there was enough in the bottle he held to bring an end . An end on his terms . That was when his colleague from C shift called to check on him and the two spent an hour on the phone talking about absolutely nothing and retelling war stories before he offered to come over and help Chet get packed for the big Fishing trip . Chet declined the help but decided he had better get packing , Johnny wouldn 't be happy if he wasn 't ready to go when he arrived . Johnny enjoyed his fishing and didn 't like it when you kept him from getting at it . As Chet loaded his backpack he thought back on previous fishing trips , this was truly one of the treasured places in the world and he was really looking forward to the last hurrah with his friends and brothers . He wasn 't going to let them remember him falling apart or some weak withering sap that had to be carried along . He was going to make sure they remembered him as a firefighter who had fought next to them and was strong enough to do so again . When Johnny and Roy let themselves into Chet 's apartment the next morning they found Chet dozing on the sofa with his packed back pack leaning against the chair next to him . The first thing John did was check on Chet 's medication dispenser knowing it would need to be refilled before they left . The level on the meter revealed he had been taking extra hits and John forced himself to feel relief that Chet wasn 't suffering but it was a hallow relief . While John was reloading the dispenser Roy reached down and grabbed Chet 's wrist to check a pulse . " I 'll move this dispenser when we get to the trail head so that I can position it around your back pack . " John informed Chet as he clipped the device back to Chet 's belt . " Are you all packed ? " " Yea , I saved a section in my pack for that stuff . " Johnny moved to the kitchen where all Chet 's pain management supplies were still setting where they had been left after the Hospice worker had delivered them . It was sure a good thing there were no children running around . Among the supplies were narcotic laced suckers for when Chet needed an extra boost . Johnny grabbed a large handful of those suckers and stuffed them in the pocket at the side of his leg . He felt certain that Chet was going to need some of them to get him through the hike . Using walkie talkie 's the two trucks kept in contact with each other and Roy enjoyed chatting with Chet while Johnny drove and added a jibe here and there . Everyone was laughing and Chet was his jovial self . They stopped twice to stretch their legs but John made the choice mostly because he wanted his friends in the other truck to see how happy Chet was . The sun was high in the sky when they had reached the end of the road and John was worried about reaching the camp sight before night fall . While the other 's unloaded the gear from the trucks , John and Roy worked together so move the pump sight for Chet 's pain med dispenser so that it wouldn 't interfere with the straps on his back pack . Then before he slid his own back pack on his shoulders John pulled a few of the suckers from his pocket and slid them in Chet 's shirt pocket with a smile on his face and a gentle slap on Chet 's face . Then he took the lead as the others followed but he was real careful to watch Chet and set a pace by what he was seeing on Chet 's face . Chet did amazingly well , even he was surprised at the stamina he had now that his pain was controlled . Before the end of the first mile he had been able to put his crewmates at ease and everyone was almost able to forget why they were there and just enjoy themselves . The only thing that was slowing Chet down was the trees , the birds , the rabbits and squirrels scurrying by and the knowledge that this would likely be the last time he was going to be able to see them like he was now . Chet 's frequent pauses to simply take in the clean air and the scenery was enough for everyone else to enjoy it more than they ever remembered doing so before and John was found walking backwards on several occasions , quick to snap a few photo 's of the look on Chet 's face as he took it all in . Toward the end of the hike Chet was dragging just a bit and once they reached the camp sight Chet slid down against a large rock and it was clear he was not going to get back up again real soon . Cap and Mike sat on a nearby log trying to look just as tired as John helped Chet slip his back pack straps off his shoulders and checked his pump before coaxing him to drink some water . Roy was close by but somehow managed to keep from checking a pulse . It was in the pitch black of night when Chet woke suddenly with a sharp pain in his chest . He was still leaning against the rock but some one had tucked his sleeping bag around him to keep him warm . The fire was out and there was a new moon so he couldn 't see anything around him . Franticly he rolled to the side trying to find a position to relieve the pain . As he pulled his knees to his chest his feet struck something next to him and soon John who was sleeping at Chet 's side was sitting up and working with the zipper on his sleeping bag . Still panting and holding his chest Chet fell limp in John 's arms . He was still conscious but had no energy left in him . Working together John and Roy rolled him over and sat him back against the rock he had been sleeping up against . The first thing John did was to unbutton Chet 's shirt to check his pump which had been disconnected . Leaving Chet in the capable hands of his partner John hurried to his back pack to get the supplies he needed to reestablish Chet 's pain management and while he was at his side Roy took a hold of Chet 's wrist and counted a pulse . Reluctantly and weakly Chet just looked at his friend and nod his head . Johnny then looked at his partner , " I 'll go read over the orders again and see if we can give him something for it . " There were instructions for dealing with nausea and John was soon able to inject the medication into Chet 's shoulder that would put him the rest of the way out . As John lay him down on his side and made him as comfortable as possible tucking the sleeping bag tight around his friend 's shoulders he could only hope that he would feel better when he woke up . Hank helped him to sit up and knelt behind him to allow Chet to rest against his chest as Marco was quick at his side with some water . Chet took a couple of swallows before resting back and looking into the worried eyes of his friend . " It 's okay Marco , " Chet reached up and patted the worried face looking at him then his attention focused behind his friend . " Wow , " he whispered , " look at that sunrise ! " Before they reached the lake Chet was able to pull loose from those holding him up and walk on his own steam the rest of the way Chet was set up on Johnny 's favorite rock and the fish were biting . Since Cap isn 't much into fishing he kept himself entertained by operating the fish net and scooping up the fish Chet , John , Roy and Marco were all reeling in . Mike didn 't have as much success as the rest of them but there was no competition among the friends no one was counting who got how many fish , unless it was Johnny who was as busy taking pictures as he was fishing . Before lunch time there was more than enough fish for everyone to have their fill for both lunch and dinner , While Cap and Marco worked together to get the fish ready for cooking Johnny and Mike wondered off to gather fire wood and more plants to brew some more tea for Chet . Roy noticed Chet opening his second sucker and decided he better check out his medication pump . " I 've watched you and Johnny do some pretty amazing things over the years , " Chet began holding tight to Roy 's hand as he talked . " And I 've seen how a part of you dies when ever you can 't pull them through but I don 't think you realized how much peace and comfort you give just by being there and letting someone know that you care . You know you can 't save them all Roy , but sometimes there is more to saving someone than just keeping their heart beating . " The fire was dying down and they weren 't sure weather to add wood or put it out and do more fishing . Chet was clearly tired but how could they even suggest to him to try and get some sleep . They had all the fish they could eat but it was possible to catch and release . Just what should they do ? " A brother I trusted with my life and would gladly give my life for , " Marco added . The tears were starting to flow now , and as they realized they were all crying no one felt ashamed by their tears . " You were always good for a laugh , " Mike added , " I love how you keep getting Johnny with those water bombs . " " Chet , " Johnny swallowed hard before he could begin , " you have taught me more about life than I ever wanted to know by the way you 've faced death . I 've never seen a sunrise the way I did this morning or marveled at the view , as much as you torment the hell out of me sometimes with all your pranks my life is better because you 've been a part of it . And I think I 'm a better person because you 've been there to lighten me up a little . " The conversations trailed on and the memories flowed through the afternoon as they remembered off duty parties , Big fires , small rescues . The children they 'd carried from burning buildings . When Johnny was bit by the rattle snake and when he was hit by the car . The time Chet fell through the roof , The explosions they had survived and each one could remember a time when they wouldn 't be alive at that moment if Chet hadn 't have been there on the hose . " " You know , " Chet spoke softly keeping his eyes on the view before him . " I 'm not a religious man and I think it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly try to be one now , but right now I know that there is some higher power out there . Weather it 's Johnny 's spirits or the God that Marco worships I know who ever it is that they 're loving and caring and what ever happens after I 'm gone , it 's going to be alright . " " Dix , " Dr . Early approached the nursing desk where the Head of the Emergency Department was struggling to keep medical records and patient flow organized . " I need the medical history for a Mr . Frank Collins . Could you get that for me ? " " Well their trying to keep a tight lid on it but roomers are that there was a major foul up a few weeks ago and they got some patient 's files mixed up and ended up sending the wrong test results to several Doctors . " Dixie reported . " I do know for certain that they have a team of Lawyers up there trying to figure out how to cover their butts , And nothing is coming out of there right now with out it being checked over by at least three people . " " ooo , That 's scary , " Dixie responded to the Dr . in front of her . " Yea but at least someone up there is trying to fix the problem while the rest are just trying to cover their legal assets . " Dr . Bracket scowled to himself then turned to go check on his next patient . " Yes , I remember this patient ; the police brought him in believing he intended to jump from the roof of a high rise building . He refused any treatment and I couldn 't make enough of a case to have him admitted against his will . " " I 've since learned that earlier that day he had been informed that he had terminal cancer - " . Bracket froze in his chair and looked at each one of the visitors in his office . The woman looked at the two lawyers in the room with her then back to Dr . Brackett , " I 'm afraid it does , the patient that died was a Mrs . Kelly B , as in Beatrice , Chester . Compared to Chester B . no middle name given , Kelly . Their birthdays are even on the same day and the birth year is transposed . The two files are completely intermixed and we can 't seem to figure out for sure who 's results are who 's . One thing we can say is that both of them were very sick people but the doctors involved think we can save this man if we can find him in time . " " A , no . " Chet interrupted . " It 's dark now and you 'll just get hurt . Johnny 's already sprained his ankle trying to gather these twigs he 's making me drink . " " We 'll be alright pall . " Captain Stanley assured , " We both have high powered flashlights and the stars are mighty bright tonight . You know how Mike can see as well as a cat in the dark . " " You 'd just be taking a risk for nothing . " Chet still dared to resist his Captain . " I 'm not going to get treatment anyway . " Chet placed his hand on his friend 's shoulder , " remember Johnny , we talked about this . " " This was one of the scenarios in the living will we filled out together . I 've already made my choice . You agreed to honor it . " " I 'm not sure I would have made it anyway , at least not in any real capacity , you know as well as I do the amount of drugs it 's taking to keep me going now . It 's better this way , " Chet answered . " It will be easier on her if she doesn 't have to watch me die . " The five men looked to each other their tears hidden by the darkness but not the catches in their breathing or the quiet choking sighs . " Hey John , don 't your people just put their sick and dying up on scaffolding and walk away from them ? " Chet asked in an off handed effort to ease the tension . It didn 't go over too well . " Will you quit acting like you 're the captain here . " Chet started acting very insubordinate . " There 's not a fire truck around , they 're off duty and I 'm on leave , ' terminal leave ' in every sense of the word . And I don 't have to take your orders any more . " There was a stiff silence as Captain and former crew member looked into each other 's eyes , not in anger but uncertainty . Chet had called his bluff and he knew he had to back down , " This one 's not your call Cap , the decision 's been made . Please don 't fight me on this . It will just make it harder on everyone and there is nothing any of you can do to change the out come . " There was another long pause before Captain Stanley finally sighed and gave a nod of his head . " We can 't just leave you here Pall . " He added with some resolve . Reluctantly the men did rest but no one slept , of that Chet was very aware . In anticipation of the first hint of daylight camp was broke down and packed in the dark and while Marco taped up Johnny 's ankle using the skill he learned on his soccer team , Roy refilled Chet 's medication dispenser by flashlight and positioned it where they could easily get at it and where it still wouldn 't interfere with the back pack straps . Chet 's back pack was stripped of as much stuff as they could possible stuff in someone else 's pack leaving him only a change of socks , a Jacket and a couple of canteens filled with Johnny 's tea . The first mile and a half was fine as Chet 's determination amazed everyone including himself . But after that he started to slow down and stumble a little . Roy and Cap were quick to take hold of his arms and help pull him along but it wasn 't far before He needed a break . They coaxed him to drink but he wasn 't able to get enough fluid in to compensate for the temperature that they were all sure was rising now . Still after a moment Chet stubbornly pulled himself to his feet again and they were off . It was on their third such break when the bottom dropped out . It began when Chet started coughing which caused immediate and severe pain that his medication couldn 't handle and then vomiting , not just emptying your stomach vomiting but non stop pile producing vomiting that took a good ten minutes to stop . Johnny had already pulled his pack from his shoulders and was digging through the medications gathering the ones he needed to help Chet when Chet went limp in Mike 's arms . Roy instantly reached to check a carotid pulse but froze inches away from his mark , Chet 's words of " When you can 't find that anymore are you going to be able to walk away and not do anything about it ? " echoing in his mind . Was the time at hand when he promised that he would be able to not do anything about it ? Chet 's quiet moan and movement of his head brought a sigh to everyone surrounding him as Marco slipped under his shoulders to help Mike hold him up . Johnny kneeling at his side now with the needed medications in his hand but hesitant . " It 's a sedative , " Roy answered seeing the emotions welling up in his partner . " It will suppress his breathing more than it already is . " And then they understood . Not only were the paramedics faced with having to withhold treatment to keep their friend , not just some stranger but their friend and brother , alive when they knew they could do it . They were faced with making a choice between keeping him comfortable at the risk of shortening what time he did have . Chet licked his dry lips with his dry tongue and slowly rolled his head and opened his eyes . After taking in the worried looks of his friends he looked beyond them . " Wow " , he whispered , " look at the sunrise . " " Sure thing , " John then deposited the medication in his shirt pocket and pulled out his camera to get the requested picture and then he turned the camera to his friends . And reaching around to take a hold of Chet 's hand once again he took a picture of the six men holding hands . Being careful not to get Chet 's face in the picture because no one wanted to remember him looking so sick and he knew Chet would never want to be remembered that way . After a few minutes of rest , Chet tried to get up once again but wasn 't able to . A tent was pulled out and once Chet was placed on it they were able to roll up the sides to give them a hand hold and the five men carried their brother . They weren 't hurrying now . They each felt inside that the time was close at hand to say good bye . A good - bye they had been counting on being able to put off for a few months , perhaps even a year . Still there wasn 't one of them that wanted to be anywhere else but with their friend . Focusing on keeping a steady pace the men from station 51 barely noticed the helicopter flying overhead at first . It wasn 't until if flew close and landed a short distance away that they really paid it any attention . Setting Chet gently on the ground they stood and watched as the on board paramedic opened the sliding hatch and exited the helicopter then turning to gather his equipment . " It looks like you folks could use some help . " The Paramedic from the Chopper stated as he set his box down next to Chet and started his assessment . " Can you tell me what happened here ? " " It 's not what he wants Mike , " Roy spoke for him . " He made that clear . " " Is this Chester Kelly ? " the paramedic that they had never before met asked . " Chester B Kelly ? " " Testing ? What for ? " Roy found a voice where his crewmates couldn 't but all eyes were turned quickly and tearfully to the man in the flight suit . " Let me contact them and they can explain it to you . " The radio was opened in record speed and Five men heard . " Rampart this is Helo ten niner , do you read , " Bracket heard the emotions and could tell more about the patient 's condition than if he had been given vitals but he was also more convinced that Cancer was not the proper diagnosis . " We have uncovered some mistakes in the records department that indicate there is a real possibility that your friend may not have cancer . " Bracket talked into the microphone on the base station as two lawyers stood close by cringing noticeably at the word mistake being spoken openly . Chet and Johnny were loaded in the Chopper with the proficiency of a well oiled team and they were on their way . Now that he had moved back into the roll of paramedic Johnny worked franticly to give his friend the best possible care , Administering alcohol baths during the flight to help bring Chet 's temperature down and checking his progress regularly . He was starting to show some signs of responsiveness by the time they made their approach to the hospital but John hoped he would stay out till they knew for sure they hadn 't just prolonged his pain and suffering , afraid to hope as the Chopper landed John stepped into action again and helped slide the stokes stretcher on to the gurney that had been brought to the landing pad before reaching back and pulling his back pack on to one shoulder and following the gurney into the hospital holding Chet 's hand as he walked . " They 're set up for him in OR . " Brackett ordered as soon as they were through the double doors . And as the gurney was being taken through the doors of the operating room that already had a portable x - ray , pathologist and personal lab technician and an entire team of medical personnel waiting to jump into action , Dr . Bracket took Johnny by the arm and pulled him in another direction . " The anesthesiologist is going to need to know exactly what he 's been given . " Bracket talked as he continued to pull Johnny toward the observation room where he could watch the procedure being done on his friend and hear first hand the results . The syringe of stuff the doctor handed over to the pathologist looked vile and disgusting tightening Johnny 's stomach further as it was rushed to the other side of the room . Bracket was now back at John 's side explaining that they had everything they thought they would need in the one room to eliminate any possibility of another mistake and proceeded to explain to Johnny about the two patients with the similar names and birthdays and how they had figured out there was a mistake made . By the time Dr . Bracket had finished his explanation the pathologist in the corner was calling out all kinds of medical terminology into a tape recorder and microphone for all to hear . Words like sepsis , e coli basilis , gangrenous along with others John was too emotionally drained to fully register but all of which sounded bad , and then he paused and turned to face the men in the observation room . " There is no sign of cancer , " he said clearly and in plain English . " This man is not terminal . " John nearly collapsed into Dr . Bracket 's arms with the news as Bracket helped him into a nearby chair he realized even more what Johnny and his friends must have been going through and how they felt . John couldn 't even tense up again when the doctor called out " we 're not out of the woods yet we 've got to get that thing out of this man . " John just nod his head through his tears and whispered , " I can sign the papers . " The nurses coaxed for him to open his eyes but before he could Chet started to cry , " NO , Johnny please no . let me go , just let me go . " " You 're going to be alright Chet , you 're not going to die , " John talked to his friend as he was waking up but Chet only seemed to be half hearing him and not totally understanding what he was trying to say . Johnny stayed at the bed side once he was moved to his room and every time he made any movement at all he talked to him telling him he was going to be alright , each time he aroused a little he seemed a little easier to reason with . Johnny finally told him that they 'd talk about taking him home as soon as he woke up a little more and that seemed to get him to relax the most . About the same time the rest of the guys arrived so did Chet 's mother . They were all greeted by Dr . Bracket who ushered them into his office to give them the good news and explanation to the best of his ability . " The hospital sent someone to find you , there was a mistake with the test results , you don 't have cancer , you never did . " Johnny repeated as he held his hand and brushed the side of his head with the other hand . " You needed some surgery but you 're going to be alright now . " " They got your tests confused with a woman named Kelly B Chester . " John continued to try and get through his friends fog . " You never had cancer , you had a badly inflamed gall bladder . " " The hospital called me a couple of days ago trying to find you , " Mary explained . " They said it was urgent that you get to the hospital for treatment but they didn 't know where you were . I 've been worried sick , when they called me and told me that they found out where you were and had sent a helicopter to get you I got the first plane out . " " MY Birthday ! " Mary scoffed . " Son don 't you know by the time you 're my age a birthday is just another day like any other day ? " Mary managed to slide her hand under her son 's shoulders and pulled close to him as she kissed him on the forehead . " It must have been horrible dealing with that all alone . " She sobbed into her son 's hair as she held him grateful he was finally responding to her . " Not alone , " Chet managed to get out he was now crying himself and still feeling the effects of the sedation . " Good friends . " He managed to give John 's hand a squeeze before drifting off to sleep again . The hospital pulled out all the stops to make things up to Chet and his family and that included his firefighting family also . They practically set up the Chet Kelly ward where his mother stepped in as charge nurse and Dr Mom . There was nothing that went in or came out of her son 's room that didn 't have to pass her inspection and that included Chester B Kelly him self . They did keep him a couple of extra days to make sure he was weaned off of the medication he had been started on while he was being treated by Hospice . " Considering how close I came to loosing my son having him with me is all the Birthday gift I could ever want . " Mary told her son 's friend as she gave him a big hug and tried to thank him for being there for him . " Unless of course it could be some grandchildren , " she added as an after thought . There are a lot of pretty girls on this boat and they all have teeny tiny bathing suits . They are really drawn to my scar and when Mom told them I was a firefighter that really turned them on too . I have yet to apply my own sun tan lotion . " The men all oohed and awed and giggled as the Captain paused . " Had any good fires lately ? I 've had an interesting one but it took me longer to find the fire extinguisher than to put it out . I think I ruined someone 's dinner in the process thought . The Ship 's captain invited Mom and me to eat as his table after that , I guess it 's some great honor but it all felt a little stiff and fussy to me . It 's good to know I 'm still a fireman though ; it 's all I 've ever wanted to be . Sure had a lot to think about and Mom and I have done a lot of talking . Every sunrise is different now and every sunset too . But they 're not the same as on the mountain when I thought time was short . It feels really good to take in a deep breath and not feel pain but something is lost too . Something I can 't quite understand or explain just yet but I 'm working on it . I hope you haven 't given my locker away , As soon as the Doctor 's can sever the umbilical cord between my mom and me I 'll be back to claim it again . I really miss you guys and want to thank you for all that you did for me . I 'm afraid of what I might have done if you hadn 't have been there for me and when it 's quiet here on the ship I can still feel your hands on my back and shoulders giving me support . I 'm sure you 'll deny every nice thing you said to me , I know I would if I were you , but I want you to know that it meant a lot to me and that I still feel honored and privileged to be able to serve with you . I 've heard it said that you should live everyday as if it were your last but I 've known a lot of people who spend their life dying I hope I can remember to live each day to it 's fullest and to treasure the greatest riches of all , Good friends . " Welcome Back Kelly , " Cap said with a slight catch in his voice , " I should have known the peace and quiet was too good to last . " He paused and step in front of the soaking wet man with moisture welling up in his eyes . " The place just hasn 't been the same with out you . Now get a mop and get this mess cleaned up . All of you . " Send Stories | Fun Page | Guest Writer 's The Characters of Emergency do not belong to me . They are the property of Universal Studios and Mark VII Limited . No copyright infringement is intended or monetary gain made . I merely like to toy with them and return them to their proper owner in good working order . |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Wow ! You really know how to write a story ! I love this story ! I couldn 't stop reading it ! ! Thanks alot for writing something good ! So , where we left of from the last story … . Jared and I were walking into Marcus 's house , hand in hand , to face Dawson . I wasn 't sure how he would react to the scene , but I was thinking that he would be ok with the situation . Because , he knew that this is what I wanted … Who knew what he would think … Well , touching back to that night … . Graduation was crazy as hell … We all gathered at Dawson 's lake house and had a badass party . Jared was there of course , along with some other friends . We ended up going to bed together , had sex , and got back together . Actually , we got back together after that one night in April at Marcus 's house . The first of the vacations came for me a week and a half after graduation when I went with my grandparents to a family reunion in the next state over . It was boring as hell . The same thing every year , " My , Lane , you 've gotten so much cuter than last year . Now , are you going to be a senior in August ? " Keeping in mind that all of the older people on that side of the family only think of me when they see me once a year for three days at the reunion . Never again do they think about me . And every year , it 's the same question . They always think that I am younger than I actually am . All of the older women always have a friend 's granddaughter that they want to get me hooked up with , blah , blah , blah . Now for the good shizz that happened that weekend … . Do you remember Trey ? The guy who added me on Facebook and said that we were going to be roommates ? Well , he messaged me again while I was there and told me that he was going to be rushing a fraternity in the fall and would not be living with me . Great . What was I supposed to do ? Well , after talking to Jared , and realizing that he was going to rush as well , I decided what the hell , and I signed up for fall rush too . My next vacation came a week and a half after the reunion when mom , Joe , Dawson , and I all went to Hawaii for our graduation present . We had a blast . Mom and Joe did their own thing and that left Dawson and I to cruise the beaches and see what all kinds of hot shit that we could get into . I had made a pact with Dawson when we were flying across the Pacific that for this week only I would forget about my relationship with Jared and focus solely upon him . That seemed to make him eager as to find out what I was talking about . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was talking about . But as soon as I laid eyes upon those sun - kissed , ripped , beach bodies , I soon forgot all about Jared . The first night in Hawaii , Dawson and I said goodbye to my mom as they went to Happy Hour , and the two of us made our way to the beach . Each of us had brought six swimming trunks each and we were going to wear each of them . Since the two of us were still really tan from prom , not to mention that we had killer abs from hitting the gym hard for the past two months preparing for this trip , we were killing it in our trunks . We were staying in a condo , just a block from the beach . So , whenever mom and Joe left , Dawson and I headed down . We were walking alongside the waves and laughing about all of the dumb shit that we had gotten into during high school . We were just chatting away and didn 't realize that we had made it a lot further down than we intended to go . It was then that we saw that there was a few gay couples gathered further up nestled together in the sand . So , I decided that we would give them a show . Without even talking to Dawson , I ran up next to him , placed my hand in his , and had a stroll alongside the beach . That got the attention of the three gay couples that we had seen . The fact that I was doing something that had gotten their attention made me pretty horny , so I thought that we should really give them a show . I stopped dead in my tracks , making Dawson stop as well , and spun him around so he was facing me . I placed my arms on his shoulders and drifted my hands across his neck and leaned into a nice warm kiss . That was the first time that I was actually kissing Dawson in about two months . I had forgotten just how good he was with his lips . I was unsure with how long we were standing on the beach making out , but I soon noticed that he had placed his hands on my ass and began massaging each of my cheeks . I had broken our kiss and was biting my lip whenever I looked up the beach and saw that we had an audience of 6 . I was ecstatic and Dawson was more than ready to give those people a show . With us stopping what we were doing on the beach , we looked up towards our audience and just embraced each other in a hug . He had his chin resting on my head , the best place for anyone . I was glad that I was shorter than him and was more than happy to accommodate him wherever he wanted . There was one guy in particular that I had made eye contact with and had nodded my head in the direction towards us . I wanted him to get closer , but was unsure if he really would . But , much to our surprise , he and his partner were walking closer to us . This also prompted the other two couples to begin walking our way as well . I wasn 't sure what the hell we were going to do whenever they got to us , but I was not about to let them touch me , and I sure the hell wasn 't going to let them touch Dawson . The two of them were about six feet away from us and I got a closer look of the two of them . The guy that I had made eye contact with was actually pretty cute - his partner on the other hand was not . I was still embraced by Dawson in a hug . Soon he backed away from me and just stood looking at me . That smile was there again and I know that I had dug myself too deep this time . I was unsure as to how I could get out of this one , but Dawson had lust in his eyes . The situation was beginning to get awkward , so I turned and ran to the ocean with Dawson and two others following closely . While swimming in the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Maui , I learned that the good looking guy 's name was Joey and his boyfriend of 4 years was Mike . Not too many details were exchanged during our conversation , other than the normal basic statistic questions . Soon after Joey invited the two of us back to his hotel room . I declined the offer and Dawson looked surprised . The two of us had always talked about having a threesome and I guess he thought this was ample opportunity for us to act upon that fantasy . But then I saw his face turn to lust again as he thought that the two of us would go back to our condo together for some fun of our own . Lord ! I did not want that to happen either . I was too much in love with Jared to go through what I went through just a few short months before . I still hadn 't completely healed from that traumatic event . We left the beach and strolled down the streets looking at all of the different shops , picking out the ones we would return to tomorrow and go shopping ! That was one thing that Dawson and I couldn 't go without ! It was beginning to get dark , so the two of us ended up finding our way back to the room , thankful to find my mom and Joe already there ! That was a prayer that was answered . I could tell that Dawson was all but thrilled to find them there . The next couple of days was filled with shopping and attraction sites . We really began looking like tourists in our adventures , but I didn 't care ! Before any of us knew it , it was the day we were to leave the island and head back home . I couldn 't believe how fast that trip had lasted , but was glad to be getting back home . Since we had been there , there had been a fight between Marcus and Kelli , which ended up involving Dawson . Thankfully , I was not in the middle of this fight and didn 't have to choose any sides , even though Dawson and Kelli wanted me to choose their side . But it was now 10 : 00 pm and it was time for us to board our red eye flight back to Dallas . I was all but thrilled for that freaking flight . Dawson and I found our seats in the First Class Cabin and was greeted by a very handsome flight attendant who informed us that he would be taking care of us during the duration of our flight . " Hi , welcome aboard American Airlines . I am glad that you have chosen to fly with us tonight . My name is Adam , please , please , please do NOT hesitate to ask me if there is anything that I can do for the two of you , " the flight attendant said with a wink . " Shit ! " I said . " Dude , I just remembered that the two of us didn 't stunt or tumble on the beach . I have always tumbled at every beach I have ever gone to . " " Fuck , man , " Dawson replied . " I know what you mean . I wasn 't even thinking about that either . Well , I guess that means that we will just have to come back to Maui soon ! " There was an in - flight movie playing , but I wasn 't paying any attention to it . I just focused on getting a little bit of sleep and trying to not think about the remaining 6 hours we had before I could get off this damn plane . Soon I fell back asleep for a little bit and we hit some turbulence and it woke me up . I looked over and Dawson wasn 't by me . I wasn 't sure where he was , but soon enough , he and Adam emerged from the front of the cabin together . I knew instantly where he had been and what they had been doing . Dawson was now a member of the Mile High Club . It was true . I would never have the courage to do half of the shit that Dawson has done in his life , but I have thought about literally everything that he had done . What seemed like three days later , we finally touched down in Dallas . That meant , I would be visiting the bar as soon as we got into the terminal . I didn 't even care that it was 8 in the morning . I needed something stronger than the orange juice I was served on the plane . Not very long after that , we were safely back home and were cruising the streets going and saying hi to all of our friends . I had called Kelli and the two of us had met up to chat about everything that had happened . But that was after I went to see Jared at his house and have some " honey I 'm home " sex ! It was incredible . Or I was just so tired that my brain was telling me that it was great . We tried four different positions . I started off by riding his dick , but that didn 't last very long , then we went into missionary , which was my favorite , but Jared didn 't feel that was very pleasurable . So , we went to doggy . That was the one that really got me going and was very intense , but he finally finished with him on top of me pounding it home . As soon as he rolled off of me , I turned to him , planted a passionate kiss on his mouth and snuggled up to his sweaty body . Jared had his right hand on my back just gently rubbing my back and we were breathing in unison . It was a very romantic , yet awkward , scene . About thirty minutes of he and I laying there , we heard the garage open and we knew that his mom was home . So we quickly got dressed and went downstairs to greet her . When she walked in , she looked like hell ! I wasn 't sure what the hell she had done today , but I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . But , as soon as she saw me , her attitude was not fitting to her appearance . " Well , shoot , " She replied . " Can you come back tonight for dinner ? I 'll make something extra special since you 're back in town ! " " Great ! It 'll be ready at about 7 o ' clock sharp ! Don 't be late ! Besides , I want to get to know Jared 's boyfriend better . " Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Reply With Quote September 3rd , 2012 , 04 : 13 PM Great Chapter . What a great way to start another part ! ! I love this story ! BEST story ever . Can 't wait for the chapters ! Which I hope is very soon . PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING ! Thank you ! I 'll try to not quit , but with school , it 's very hard to find the time ! I didn 't know what to do or what the hell to even say . I am sure that I looked like I had just seen a ghost . Finally , I had regained by composure a little and looked at Jared . He was just as dumbfounded as I was . " Boys , " his mother started . " There 's nothing to be ashamed of . I knew a long time ago . You 're just going to have to embrace the fact that people are starting to figure it all out . I 'm certain that everyone will be quite satisfied with your decisions and everyone will support you all . If they don 't , then you don 't need them in your life . The only thing that matters now is that I know ! " She walked over and hugged both of us . I was still unsure what to think about the whole situation , but knew that I wanted to leave . Hell , I didn 't even know if I would be back for dinner ! With that we kissed and I left his house . It was a 20 - minute drive to Kelli 's house where we talked about everything that had happened while I was in Hawaii . Then I told her about what just happened at Jared 's house . She was speechless , but was more than ready to fight this with me and stick by my side to shoot rumors down . That was just one of the many reasons why I loved her and she was my best friend ! Kelli ended up telling me that it was best that I go back to Jared 's house for dinner . That a way his mom didn 't think she had scared me off and ruined everything for her son . I thought that was very appropriate so I informed Jared that I would be attending dinner that evening ! When I showed back up to Jared 's house , his parents were the only ones that would be joining us for dinner . I thought that would be a little bit more awkward and formal , but then I also thought that it would be better that his brother and sister wouldn 't be there either . Dinner wasn 't that spectacular . His dad grilled hamburgers and his mom made homemade French Fries . It was a small , yet spectacular dinner ! As far as conversations went , it was just small talk , college plans , summer events , and so on . There wasn 't anything that was mentioned about Jared and I being together - and I was thankful for that . Dinner had been served , eaten , and cleared , and then it was time for sundaes ! After that was completed , I helped Jared 's mom clear the table and begin the dishwashing process while Jared and his dad continued to talk around the dinner table . Being the newest person in their house and not showing disrespect towards her , I turned to her and just gave her the best hug I thought I could give . She began weeping on my shoulder and asked if I could go talk to Jared . I obliged and set out the back door looking for him . I found him sitting on his tailgate throwing rocks at the basketball goal post . " Hey , bud , " I said . " I 'm not sure if there is anything that I can say to you that is going to make this situation better , but I want you to know that I am here for you . I have always been here for you and always will be here for you . " He turned to look at me with blood shot eyes , " Thanks , babe . " Then turned back to throwing rocks at the goal post again . So I walked over to the driveway , picked up a two handfuls of rocks , walked back to the tailgate and sat them down so Jared could continue sulking . I walked up to him and just hugged him . I didn 't know what else to do . That was the only thing that he had gotten out of that conversation . Why is it that that is the only thing that people get out of conversations when there is hostility involved ? Negativity was the only thing that Jared was seeing . I know that it was visible and all , but at least his mom wasn 't pissed . But , then again , Jared looked up to his dad so much ! Now I was unsure how their relationship would ever be the same . Jared didn 't question his dad . He jumped off the tailgate and met his dad and the edge of the drive and the two of them walked towards their barn . My heart was beating in the back of my throat . I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know what to think . " I am so sorry , Lane , " She started . " You must hate me . I never thought any of this could have happened . In fact , I guess I hadn 't run it through my head how he would react . I was just so happy to see Jared this happy in a long time that I wanted to meet the person responsible . Whenever I found out it was you , I was a little shocked at it all , but then I quickly got over it because if you were making Jared happy , then you could make me happy . " She started crying again . At this point I was still worried as to what was going to happen with Jared and his dad in the barn …… . With A GUN ! ! ! Just like that , we heard the 4 - wheelers start up and take off to the back pasture . Jared and his dad were on them and his dad still had both guns . I waited about five minutes after I couldn 't see them any longer just staring out the window . That 's when I heard it . A gun shot off in the distance where they were heading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What new chapter ? Where is it ? ? WHERE , Please ? ? ? ? Why do I seem to always miss the Good stuff ? WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 4th , 2013 , 07 : 29 PM I seriously think I could have fainted at that point . If I hadn 't have just had Cheryl scream bloody murder at that time , I probably would have . I was having difficulty breathing . . In fact , I couldn 't breathe . At all ! ! I started making the gesture to Cheryl and she finally got the hint and ran to get an inhaler . After a couple inhales , I was finally able to breathe on my own . BOOM ! She tried to stop me , but it didn 't work . I ran for everything I had in me . I ran track in high school and always ran with Dawson , so I was using every ounce of energy in me to sprint in the direction of the shots . Tears were still flowing down my face and it was hard to see . I tripped over limbs and other things on the ground three different times before I finally made it to the area where Jared and his father were . Five seconds after sending that message , Dawson called . I ignored . I had other issues at hand and didn 't need to listen to their bullshit drama about Marcus right at the moment . Jared and his dad were sitting on the back of the ATVs shooting at a tree . I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I was just thankful that he wasn 't dead . I was so happy that I started crying again . With that , I turned to go back in and stepped on a stick and broke it in half . His dad was the first to see me . " Ya think ? " I smarted off . " I can 't speak for Cheryl , but I know she 's pretty shaken up about it because she 's sitting in the kitchen floor crying her eyes out because she thinks her husband just killed her son . As for me , I 've nearly passed out , had an asthma attack , and cried all my tears thinking that you 're out here with Jared and a gun . " Jared ran over to me and embraced me in a hug . I didn 't care . I latched onto his body and kissed him on the mouth . I was just so happy to be able to hug him again . " I 'm sorry , son , " He started . " I didn 't mean to scare you , but when I 'm upset about something I come out here to shoot . And , with what I just saw , with your freaking tears , I can tell that you and Jared really do care about each other . " " Well , this is something that I didn 't think I 'd ever have to deal with , but it 's going to take some time to getting used to . I 'll get better at accepting it better in the future if you 'll just give me a little bit of time . I might say something , but I promise I will be working on this whole situation . " His dad said to us as he was walking for me . Clearly there was something going on and I could already figure it out through the messages between those three . Marcus had said something insulting to Kelli and Kelli popped something off to Marcus about him and / or his family that was true and Marcus didn 't like it so started bringing up every little detail about Kelli 's life to her . Yes , my friends were that predictable ! I went over to my car and threw my phone in the front seat . I was with my boyfriend and his family right now and that 's where my attention needed to be . Jared and I walked back inside the house and were talking to his parents . Cheryl broke out the liquor and Dale was having a beer . That sounded so good to me and I decided that I was going to dad 's lake house for the evening ! ! Ten more minutes had passed and Jared had finished two beers ! Damn , he needed to drink just as much as I needed to , but I refused all drinks for the time being . It was then that Jared threw his phone to me opened to a message from Dawson , " If you 're with Lane , tell him to answer his fucking phone and talk to me . NOW ! " Dawson : SHUT THE FUCK UP . I 'm seriously so fucking pissed at you right now it isn 't even funny . You 've been talking to Marcus haven 't you ? D : Yeah , well why couldn 't you have talked to us ? That 's fucked up . Don 't even bother coming to Kelli 's anymore . We are going to my dad 's to drink . Just stay with your fucking boyfriend and get fucked , Lane . I 'm done with you . K : No , don 't even bother explaining . Just go to Marcus 's house and hang out with him since he 's your new best friend . I 'm done , Lane . Me : WHAT ? ! Who said that he was my new best friend ? ? He 's always been my best friend . The same with you and Dawson . I 'm not sure what the fuck is going on right now , but you seriously need to grow up . I had bigger fish to fry tonight that didn 't revolve around some bullshit lie that Marcus said about you and what you said to him about his family - probably his mom , wasn 't it ? Me : No , actually I didn 't . I just know you all so damn well that it 's easy to predict what 's going on with everybody . Yes , he has texted and called me , but just like the two of you , I IGNORED HIM . Me : Really ? Well , I 'm sorry that Dale confronted Jared and I about being GAY and then he took Jared to the pasture with a GUN AND FIRED SHOTS . I ' M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND ' S DAD WAS KILLING HIS SON . . MY BOYFRIEND . Sorry for one evening I needed to deal with shit that was going on IN MY life and not everybody else 's life . HOLY FUCK , KELLI . Seriously , we are all out of high school and heading to college in the next couple of months . GROW THE HELL UP . Me : Yeah , you wouldn 't because you wouldn 't let me explain . I was too damn busy trying to fix things with you and Dawson because y ' all were so pissed at me that I didn 't answer . Whatever , Kelli , I 'm seriously beyond pissed at you and Dawson right now and I don 't need to deal with the two of you tonight . BYE ! He didn 't see anything to me , just stared at the floor . Then he got up and reached his hand in my direction . I took it and he pulled me up . Dale then embraced me in a manly hug and whispered in my ear , " I 'm sorry , Lane . " I just smiled back at him to assure him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that I was not upset with him any longer . Then , Cheryl came over and hugged me and thanked me for coming to dinner and that we would have to do this more often before the two of us went to college in the fall . Finally , Jared came up to me and hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand . Both , his mother and father , conferred . I was finally relieved and really glad that Kelli had talked me into coming to dinner that night . Great … . . I thought … How was all of that shit going to go down ? I 'll deal with that in five minutes I told myself . As I was leaving his house , I called Kelli and told her that Jared and I were going to the lake and invited her and Dawson to come out if they wanted to . After they talked it over , they texted me and said that they were going to come out . As soon as I hung up with them , I called Marcus . Marcus : Oh , sorry . I thought you could have respected one of my requests to talk to me first instead of them . But then again , I have to give you credit . . You 're not sucking my dick . . You 're sucking Dawson 's . Me : WHOA ! ! I 'm not sucking his dick . I 'm sucking Jared 's . But I have talked to them , but not about anything that 's going on . Although I have already pieced it together . I just got back from vacation and this is not what I want to be dealing with right now . I just want to unwind and have a drink or two . He then told me everything that he had said which , as always , made him look innocent . I then told him that I was going to talk to the two of them and that he better make for damn sure that his story was accurate before I nailed him as being a liar and starting shit . He assured me again that he wasn 't in the wrong and all that jazz . Jesus , I was going to get fucked up as soon as I got to dad 's ! I couldn 't wait ! ! ! After getting a few clothes at mom 's and telling her where I was going , I was on the road . I had called Jared and asked him if he could wait an hour or so before heading over because I needed to talk to Dawson and Kelli about everything that had happened . He was so good , because he said that he would come later ! ! I was so lucky ! ! At dad 's , I learned what all had happened and , with them , they painted Marcus to be the bad guy in the situation . Which , they actually had proof about it all . So , I got a firsthand glance at everything that was going on . With that , I called Marcus again and told him what I had conferred about the whole situation . He didn 't like what I had to say and then put his mom on the phone . GROW UP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That 's what I wanted to yell at him . Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 5th , 2013 , 12 : 25 AM Great chapter ! And , THANK YOU ! for re - posting it ! All I 've got to say is , " GO ! , Lane " ! ! And . . . Oh , Yeah ! . . . MORE , Please ! Just goes to show . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz Thank you so much ! Yes , as soon as I saw that the post was gone , I wanted to hurry and put it back up ! ! Jared pulled out of me and fell on the bed on his back . He held his dick up at me and I hurried and switched my position so I could ride his dick all the way home . It was then that I noticed his dick . The moonlight was coming in through the window and made his dick look really wet and slippery . It also looked a little bit bigger , but couldn 't be for certain . The only thing that I knew was that I wanted him back in me . So I startled his chest and scooted back until his head found my hole . With that I sat on him - all of him . Jared then took the moaning to the next level as I rode his dick in circles for a while . I alternated between circles , up and down , and back and forth for a good twenty minutes before he told me he was about to cum . I stopped all motion and leaned down to kiss him , as he was still in me . It was a kiss that I hadn 't experienced in a long time with him . There was so much passion in his kiss and his hands on my hips continued my motions on his dick . I was absolutely in love with this guy and wanted to keep him in my life forever , but then I realized that I had a job that I had to finish , a job that consisted of me milking his cock with my ass to get his load up my ass . I did just that . But before we concluded the sex , I switched positions on more time to reverse cowboy . I got my footing on the bed just enough , leaned back slightly and rode his dick like a jackhammer . I liked this position because I could finish him off , but I could also cum in this position because his dick would be hitting my prostate and send me over the edge too . Without much effort on either of our parts , he announced that he was about to fill my ass up . Just as I knew he was cumming , I slammed my ass into his pelvic region and squeezed my ass around his dick to make sure that I got every drop of his cum out of his dick . When I knew that he was finished , I leaned back towards him again , got into the position I was in when beginning reverse cowboy and slammed my ass again onto him . I could feel the cum coming out of my ass and leaking onto him and it was causing a rather sexy slapping noise as our bodies made contact . With his dick hitting my prostate , the sound of our bodies making contact , and the grunts Jared was making was just enough to send me over the point of no return . I began cumming and cumming and cumming some more . To this day , I still don 't think that I had ever came that much before . But just as I was starting to shoot , Jared knew what was going on and lifted me up just a little bit . White he was under me , it took every ounce of energy in his body to slam his dick into me repeatedly to make sure my orgasm was intense . He continued fucking me , and hitting my prostate , as I continued to cum . I didn 't think there was ever going to be an end to the seamen that was coming out of my dick . But all too soon , I quit shooting and the orgasm subsided . To say that I collapsed on Jared 's body would be an understatement . I think I passed out on him . Literally , the last thing that I remember was he breathing really heavy and whisper something to me . But I was on a high … A pleasure high ! I didn 't know what he said and soon , I was out like a light . When I woke the next morning , I felt great ! I rolled over and nudged Jared . I always hate when he does that to me , but I wanted him awake . He wasn 't budging , so I kissed him on the cheek and got out of bed . It was nearly 9 o ' clock so I went downstairs to survey the damage and to start breakfast . Just as soon as I finished breakfast , Dawson showed up in the kitchen . He looked like hell . I could tell that he didn 't sleep at all last night and I thought that he had possibly been crying . I began to feel bad for being so loud last night , but then I quickly reminded myself that it was my life and he knew about it . He needed to learn to accept the fact that I was with Jared . Plain and simple ! To complete such a wonderful breakfast on the back deck over looking the lake , we had Mimosas ! Yum ! I had just begun getting stuck on them , and they were actually really good ! I was glad that Dawson had suggested them to us . The rest of the afternoon was filled with swimming in the pool that we had on the balcony . I had already decided that I was going to stay another night at the house , but Jared had to go into town for the night . So as soon as he was gone , Kelli announced that she was leaving too , but Dawson asked if he could stay . I didn 't mind , but I could tell that something was fishy about this whole situation and I couldn 't figure it out , but sooner than later , I realized what all was going on and why Dawson was acting so damn weird . It was just approaching dinnertime and I went to the pantry and freezer to see what we had to cook up . It would be grilled chicken , homemade mashed potatoes , green beans , and wine ! Dawson and I had been friends long enough to what each other liked and what each other could and couldn 't do . I knew that Dawson liked grilled chicken , but he knew that I didn 't like grilling anything - I would stick to the kitchen . So , he happily went the barbeque that we have on the back deck and grilled some delicious chicken and pineapple ! He really did know how to grill some great meals . I had taken care of everything inside and before too long it was he and I at the dinner table with a glass of wine and a formal dinner ! " I am just sick of everything , " He started again . " I 'm sick of all the Marcus bullshit , I 'm sick of Kelli being childish about it , I 'm sick of her boyfriend . I 'm sick of my step mom and step dad , I 'm sick of my brother and sister . The only thing that made me was the last week whenever we were in Hawaii … together . " I just stared at the floor . This was like de je vu all over again from that night at my house in the winter . I couldn 't believe I had found myself in another similar situation . " Look , Dawson , " I said . " I know that you have feelings for me - very strong feelings . I will be absolutely honest with you , I do have feelings for you , but they 're not as strong as the feelings that you have for me . I 'm sorry . Honest , I am ! I hate it when you 're down and not your normal self . " " I told Jared that I loved him last night , Dawson . Before we even came out here . You wouldn 't believe what I was feeling when I thought that his dad was out in the field about to kill him . I was devastated , scared , and pissed . I believe that I could have beaten the shit out of his dad if I would have found Jared dead in that field last night . No lie . That 's when I knew that I had incredibly strong feelings for Jared and that I truly did love him . " With that he looked me in the eye and went in for a kiss . I knew that this was coming and couldn 't decide what I wanted to do . I know at any other given time I would have kissed him back , but this was the absolutely first time that I had dodged a kiss from him - ever ! I could tell that he was incredibly hurt by it , but tried to shake it off . Now , I had always heard that you never want to kick someone when they 're down , but I had to set the record straight . " Dawson , " I started . " I don 't exactly know what you think you 're doing . Especially when I just told you that I told Jared that I loved him last night . You 're all the time preaching that you 're not the one to cheat in a relationship , but here you are with me right now trying to kiss me . Now , some people will look at that and think nothing of it , but you know damn well that you think that 's cheating and so do I . " " No you 're not , " I snapped back . " You always do this . You 're always ' sorry ' whenever I call you out on something that isn 't going your way . Let this be a warning to you , Dawson , the next time you do something like this , it isn 't going to be pretty . In fact , you need to know that I 'm not going to cheat on Jared . Nor will you break us up again . So if you can 't control your urges for all of this anymore , then you need to not come around anymore . This is ridiculous . But , if you can accept the fact that we are together , which you have done multiple times , then you can continue coming around , but if you can 't then we should no longer hang out , especially alone . " He was now crying a lot harder now and got up off the couch and went to the kitchen . This was the first time in all of my life that I couldn 't read this kid . He was my best friend and I couldn 't understand what he was feeling . It was odd . I walked into the kitchen and looked at Dawson , but he wouldn 't turn to face me . He was standing over the sink , so I came up behind and hugged him from behind , " You know I love the hell out of you , man . But there comes a point when you need to respect my wishes . I know you can 't understand it and don 't want to accept it , but you need to at least respect what I want . " With that he turned around and smiled , " This is why you 're my best fucking friend , Lane . But it kills me to see you with him , and the fact that you were having sex with him last night . I seriously wanted to leave . Actually , I did . I went for a walk and didn 't get back until a couple hours before breakfast . I just don 't know if I can do it any longer . I 'm sorry , Lane , but this is goodbye . " Well , I am back at school now . . This means that the semester has begun and I will be focusing on school work . I am unsure of when I will be able to post the next chapter - - hopefully soon ! ! I seriously didn 't know what to say or do . I wanted to follow him outside , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do that . I think that he wanted me to follow him outside , but I couldn 't let him win , not again . So , I walked over to the door he went out of and turned off the porch lights and killed all the lights downstairs . I decided that I would just drive into mom 's for the night . I hated staying out there by myself . Me : " I didn 't know how you would react to knowing that it was just he and I here by ourselves . I didn 't want you to worry . How did you know ? " Me : " Oh , put a sock in it , babe . I 'm not lying to you now and I haven 't in the past . Trust me . " " Well , it 's nice to see you too , " He said as he greeted me with a kiss . " I decided that I would surprise you and come back out and spend the night with you . That 's when I saw Dawson 's car in the drive and no sign of Kelli 's . So , I 'm not going to lie , I was spying on you guys . Why was he crying ? Why did you hug him ? Did you all kiss ? But , most importantly , why did he leave ? " " That 's a low ball move , Jared , " I said . " But , he was crying because I 'm dating you and not him . He can 't accept that . He 'll never be able too . I hugged him because I wanted him to know that I still loved him no matter what . He tried to kiss me , but I dodged the kiss and that really set him off . But ultimately he left because I told him if he couldn 't accept the fact that you and I were together , then the two of us couldn 't be friends any longer . " " But , " Jared started . " I 'm not going to stand in the way of a life long friendship . I know that he likes you . Everybody can see it in his eyes . They literally light up when your name comes up or when he sees you . His entire face does that . I just don 't know what to do about it all . Everybody 's tried talking to him , but it doesn 't work . You know how thick headed he is . But anyway , I 'm not going to be to blame about this friendship ending . You need to fix things with him . " " Jared , the only way that things are going to be fixed with Dawson and I is if you 're completely out of the picture and he and I are together . That 's not happening . I 'm not letting it happen . " " Yes , I know that . Why do you think that I didn 't chase him ? Why haven 't I called him ? Because I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to be with you . I told you , Jared , I love you . Why are you saying all of this right now ? " I said as tears started to feel my eyes . " Right , but he was the first guy that you messed around with . He 's the one that knows more about you than anyone ever will . Hell , he 's spent more times with your parents and family that I have ever gotten to . " He was right on that one . Jared had only been to my house one time . He 'd also never met any of my aunts and uncles , or even grandparents for that matter . I was disappointed in myself . Maybe Jared was right . Maybe I really did love Dawson . Wait ! What was I saying ? What was Jared saying ? Was Jared getting ready to break up with me ? " Well , I got my letter for the frat that I am joining in the fall . It isn 't the same as you . " He told me what house had offered him a bid and ended up accepting it . I also accepted my bid when it came in the week before we left for Hawaii . " So with that being said , do you really think that you and I can continue to have a relationship in college with each other and not be caught ? Hell , Lane , both of us have to live in the House . Where do you think that we are going to get to hang out ? Where are we going to have sex at ? " " Wow ! " I started yelling at him . " I absolutely cannot believe that . You didn 't love me , you never have ! The only reason that you 've kept me around is so I would get you off . " " Lane , just shut up , fuck ! " He screamed . " I knew I wanted to be with you , but we are both going Greek in the fall , hell we are pretty much already Greek right now . We live in a very conservative region and there is no way all of this is going to be accepted . I actually want to be happy for the rest of my life and have a family , but it 's never going to work between the two of us . " " NO ! ! " I shouted . " I told you to get the fuck out of this house and that 's what I fucking meant . Do it ! GO ! GET OUT ! NOW ! " Great I thought , I just lost two of the most important people in my life , or so I thought . I never dreamed that Dawson would ditch our friendship because of a guy . I also for damn sure never thought that Jared would break up with me because he got a Greek bid . Whatever ! All I knew was that I was leaving the lake and going back home to my mommy ! That was finally the breaking point of my night . I dropped my phone and fell onto the floor sobbing . I sat there crying for a good 45 minutes before I finally came back into reality . I wasn 't sure if I was crying because of Dawson leaving , Dawson being taken to the hospital , or Jared breaking up with me . But , I knew one thing was for certain , I needed to find out which hospital Dawson was being transported to so I could head that way . I had a friendship to mend ! Sitting in the ICU waiting room with all of Dawson 's family , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Apparently , he was driving home from my house , went left of center and hit a car head on . Dawson 's car was thrown off the highway and rolled 7 times before coming to a rest on it 's side with Dawson ejected about 35 feet away . " It 's a miracle he 's still alive , " said the doctor . " We are continuing to monitor him , his kidney has been repaired , he has 4 broken ribs , numerous cuts and scratches , 55 total stitches , and a broken humerus . He will be sedated for the next 48 hours , but you 're more than welcome to go in and see him . Only one at a time , please . " His step mom came over and hugged me . I liked her way more than I liked his mom . , actually a lot more . His mom was a bitch . Coincidently , Sharon , my stepmom , and Dawson 's mom were really good friends . Perfect match ! ! As soon as the four of his parents went in and seen him , his dad told me that , I could go in . WOW ! He was all banged up . He didn 't even look like the Dawson that I knew . I began crying . I didn 't know what to say , but the only thing I could say was that I loved him and that as soon as he got better , we were going to have some hot tub time to soothe him ! The 48 long hours seemed to drag on ; I couldn 't believe that I had stayed at the hospital that long . In fact , I had been there the entire time - longer than his mother ! That was saying something , but I knew that he would be there for me , so I had to make sure I was there for him . When he was no longer sedated , the doctor came and informed us and said that it could be anywhere from five minutes to 12 hours before he would wake up , but he would let us know the minute he woke up . It was just me and his dad at the hospital now . It had been three and a half hours since he came off of sedation and he was growing weary . So his dad went to the cafeteria to get us something to eat and drink . He hadn 't been gone longer than two minutes until the doctor came to tell me that he was awake and that I could go in and see him . My heart sank . I walked over and grabbed his hand , kissed my hand and softly touched his cheek . This time , Dawson showed all of his teeth when he smiled . I knew that he didn 't mean what he said whenever he left my house and I was thankful that I got to be alone with him for a short period of time . The doctor came in and told me that his dad was back in the waiting room , but as I was leaving , I held up the sign for ' I love you , ' and Dawson couldn 't help but smile some more . Before shutting the door , I winked at him and went to find his dad . What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote January 11th , 2013 , 09 : 13 AM What an interesting turn of events ! Didn 't see that coming ! It all just goes to show we often don 't know / realize what we have right in front of us , nor do we appreciate it . And , I 'm not just talking about " Typical Teenagers " ! I 'm trusting Dawson will survive , and Lane has had his head properly removed from his own butt ! All the more reasons to . . . no matter what . . . School comes first . We can wait for the next chapters . Besides , it 'll give your mind a chance to come up with another twist Thank you for understanding ! ! Here are the next to chapters of the story . Since there has been a delay in the posting of any other chapters , I have posted the next to chapters . Also , because they are both fairly short . I hope to have a couple more chapters posted pretty soon ! Thanks for keeping with everything . . Dawson was in the hospital for eight days before he was released to go home . Then , it was still a long process to get completely healed considering he had to go to physical therapy . But between his dad and I , we made sure that he got there when he was supposed to be there . I was the first person that left the house we were at and sped the entire way there . Dawson was being very uneasy at how fast I was driving , but he knew where my heart was and that 's why I was going over 100 . Not only was I the first to leave , but I was the first family member of 13 to arrive on sight , but the police department wouldn 't let me on , but I didn 't give a fuck . I charged onto the property just to see the first flame shoot through the metal roof . As I got out of my car , Dawson came over and put his arm around me to keep me from crying too much . Three buildings , ten fire departments , a shit ton of tears , and three buildings later , I was still looking at the fire going strong starting on the next building . Firemen had been there in 100 - degree weather , fighting a devil of a fire with no such luck . It was then determined that nobody would ever step foot into the 200 , 000 square foot building again and that just broke my heart . I was sad for all of the employees that needed this job , who depended on this job , and wanted this job . It was soon pushing 9 o ' clock that evening and my asthma was starting to kick in from all of the smoke and ash I was breathing . I had been ignoring everyone that had been telling me to go home . It wasn 't until I collapsed right in front of Dawson that I was in the vehicle being taken home . He wasn 't released to drive yet , but there was no way that he was going to let me drive in the emotional and physical state that I was in . Since he hadn 't gotten a car yet , we took mine and went back out to the lake for the evening . It was the end of July , so at 10 , we were getting into the lake to cool down and wash off and try to relax . I hadn 't looked at myself to see what my face actually looked like , but I had seen Dawson 's , which was half dirty from ash and dirt . He hadn 't gotten involved that much since nobody would let him , but I had been in everything and was getting in everywhere that I could to do something , so I was sure that I was covered from head to toe with soot . The next week was living hell for all of the family . There were so many decisions that we had to make , minor details that had to be adjusted , and a massive clean up project that needed to be planned . Luckily , the entire community came together as one and the family didn 't have to determine that many details . But the hardest of the days for me came three days after the fire when I was finally able to walk into the building again . It was completely gutted and there was nothing that was even noticeable . I knew where everything was supposed to be , but I was too emotional to even function , that 's when I was thankful that I had Dawson by my side . " I 'm at grandpa 's waiting on the ambulance . He 's in the floor unconscious with blood all around him . We are going to the hospital . " Great , this is just what I needed . From the week vacation that mom and I took before the fire , the fire , a camp I went to , and all of Dawson 's stuff that had been going on , this was the first night that I was able to relax and now I was going to have to be worrying about all of this . Not to mention that I was supposed to be moving to school the next week . This was finally the breaking point for me through everything that had happened , and I think that the alcohol helped , I lost it all . I cried and cried and cried for a good hour before I was finally able to get myself under control . That was when I got the call that said my grandpa was going to be taken by LifeFlight to a heart hospital because they couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him , so I needed to get to the hospital soon if I wanted to see him . Well , not only had Dawson and I consumed an entire bottle of Absolut , but we had also smoked a pack of cigarettes , so we smelled straight up like a bar . But here we were strolling up into the ER looking drunk as fuck , no shoes , smelling like a bar , and stumbling into the entire waiting room of my family and all of the board members of my grandpa 's company . ' Grrrrrreat , ' I thought to myself . Dawson and I died a little inside that night . A week later , it was ready for me to drive out of the driveway and head to school . I was so excited to be moving to school that I could not contain my excitement . I left the night before move in and stayed with Kelli and her sister in her house in the college town , so the two of us could get there first thing in the morning to begin moving in . We got Kelli moved in on Monday and her parents came down and took us both out to lunch and dinner , but it wasn 't until Tuesday that my mom , dad , Joe , and Dawson came to move me into the fraternity house . Dawson had finally gotten a new car , a Range Rover , and was going to stay a couple of nights in town . Not only had Dawson gotten a new car , but my dad was afraid that I would not be able to handle my Escalade in such a small parking lot , that he also surprised me with a brand new car - an X5 ! ! As soon as my parents had left for the evening , after taking us all out to lunch and dinner , Dawson and I decided that we were going to be together for the night . My roommate hadn 't moved in yet and there was nobody on my floor , so it was not a problem that Dawson could stay the night with me in the house . After that was all finalized , I told him to go get into my car and we would go exploring the town . Thirty minutes later , we found ourselves on the outskirts of town on a kind of deserted road . I looked at him slyly and nodded for the back seat . That night , we broke in both my car and his car for the relationship that the two of us had already built . Since my room only had one other bed in it and a lock on the door , Dawson slept with me for that night and the next . Then two days after I had gotten settled , it was time for me to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to his town and help him get moved in . As soon as he was done , we did the exact same ritual with our cars on the country roads . I was in heaven . I actually got to stay the night with him one night and had to wake up extra early the next morning to get back to school so I could go to the first cheer practice of the semester . When I told Dawson goodbye , I had no idea that it would be such a long time before we saw each other again . Even though we lived just an hour and fifteen minutes away , neither one of us ever had a free weekend to visit the other . We were both in frats , both cheerleaders , both carrying 15 hours of college hours , so we were always busy . If I had a home game , he had an away game , and if he had a home game , mine was away . So there was literally no time for us to see each other . Not even 30 extra minutes for us to meet halfway to just say hi to one another . Ultimately , we decided that we would just be better off if we decided to call the relationship quits but remain friends . I thought that sounded childish , but somewhat of a good idea since I had a lot of people that had caught my eye since moving here , so we both decided that would be for the best . It was still another month before the two of us saw each other again . One night after my game , I decided that I would go back home to my mom 's for the night since Dawson was home , too . That was the end of October . We hadn 't seen each other since the middle of August . Needless to say , after we saw each other , the two of us ended up going back to my dad 's house and fucked for five hours that night . It was great . Sunday came way too fast and we had to say goodbye again to each other . School was going incredibly fast . Soon , it was time for Thanksgiving break and I knew that I would get to see Dawson again . We hadn 't seen each other since the night in October that we had fucked for five hours straight and a lot had happened since then . There was this one guy that was in my major that caught my eye the first time that I had seen him and I began fantasizing about him ever since . We spent a lot of time together studying since we had a couple of the same classes together . Chance was a little over two years older than I was and was a transfer student . He had gone to a junior college to complete his basics and was transferring her for an athletic program and our major . I was glad for his decision ! Chance and I had been spending a lot of time together . He would always let me come over to his house if I needed to since I lived in the fraternity house and he figured it was hard to concentrate in there . Well the week before Thanksgiving , I was at his house doing some homework while he was watching a movie . Both of his roommates had already gone home for the holiday since it was later in the week , so it was just the two of us . I was sitting at his dining room table when he came over to look at what I was doing . I hated my economics class and was cussing my professor for giving me homework the weekend before Thanksgiving and an exam the next week . Chance had placed both of his hands on the table next to my computer and placed his chin on my head . I couldn 't help but smile . I laughed and kept working on my homework . I could tell that Chance wasn 't too happy with my decision . Hell , neither was I , but I had to get this done . If I was lucky , enough , I would pull a C in the class after the final . I could just hear my mom bitching at me for making a C in a class since I maintained a 4 . 0 in high school and was valedictorian . We were cuddled up on the couch for about ten minutes when there was a knock on the door . He asked if I could get it . While I was in the middle of my homework , Chance had ordered us pizza . To complete the greasy entrée , there was beer in the fridge to go with it . It was delicious . Once the pizza was gone and a couple beers apiece had been downed , Chance pulled me into him and cuddled me hard on his couch while staring at the television . Chance was 22 years old , 6 ' 2 " , short brown hair and eyes , with a gorgeous straight white teethed smile , and a golden brown tan to make his eyes and smile pop even more . He was muscular , but was not as defined as anyone I had ever been with before , but he did have some good biceps on him . He was also a member of the cheerleading team , so through our intense workouts , he was defining his body more and more . Anyways , he didn 't have abs and oddly enough , I found that more attractive than anything else . While he was holding me close , I could feel his breath on my neck and my eye caught something growing in his lap . I had finally come to my senses and admitted to myself that I was attractive , but I couldn 't believe that I could make a guy go hard with just holding me , but I saw with my own two eyes that he was growing harder and harder . The movie was finally over and Chance was still holding me like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't believe that he had not loosened his grip on me the entire evening . I finally broke loose of his death grip on me and got us each another beer out of the fridge . He looked a little disappointed when I didn 't sit as close to him as I had been sitting . For the next thirty minutes the two of us sat and talked about anything and everything . We talked about our pasts , family , high school , friends , future , and all of the other good stuff . I was finding Chance more and more irresistible as the minutes drug on . Finally , I couldn 't take it anymore and leaned into him and planted a soft kiss on his lips with no tongue action and sat back down on my feet on the couch . He looked surprised by what I had just done , but then he smiled and sat up on the couch a little more to face me even better . Chance then took his hand and touched my cheek softly and slowly leaned in to find my mouth . His lips were tender and warm against mine . I could feel him exhale through his nose on my face . After a minute or two , he finally slipped his tongue into my mouth . Out of all of the time that I had dated and kissed Jared and Dawson , this was the most passionate kiss that I had ever experienced . He was tender and accurate with every move his tongue , hands , and lips made with my body . Not only was his hand still on my face , but his other hand was resting on my hip . We had been kissing for about ten minutes and his hands were still where they were when we started . He hadn 't tried to feel me up , get on top of me , or move this action into the bedroom . I couldn 't believe what I was experiencing with Chance . He finally broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around my body as I did the same around his neck . I seriously couldn 't believe I was hearing what was being said , but I agreed with that . Even though I was quivering for his mouth to be on my dick , I needed Chance . I wanted Chance . But , in the end , I knew that I had found myself a true gentleman ! |
Rated : PG My grandparents were totally , absolutely , and completely awesome ! As soon as Chuckie had pulled out of the driveway , they smiled down at me and we walked into the house with their arms on my shoulders . They didn 't make fun of me for crying and told me that I could call Chuckie every week , but that it would be expensive , so I had to not waste time and tell him most things in letters . They asked if I had any clothes other than what was in the shopping bag . I told them it was all I brought with me . They asked if there was anything back at home I wanted . There sure wasn 't . " Well , the first thing we need to do is get you some clothes . You 're going to need some to do chores in , and some for school , and some to run around in . And you 're about to start growing like a weed , so we 'd better get them a little big and not too many for now . " We went into town and grampa took me into Wal - Mart . I tried on a pair of jeans , and came out of the fitting room holding them up , he laughed and said , " Well , we 'll get the next size down . You want them kind for school ? " " Fine . The other size then . Four more pair for school should do it for now . Get some different kinds , though . And we 'll get used ones at the Salvation Army for you to do chores and mess around in . And a dress shirt and pants for the lawyer tomorrow . " We went to the aisle and he let me get decent socks , not the stupid ones with stripes at the top . He coughed , " Ahem , " and nodded at the underwear area . " You know what size ? " We got tan slacks and blue dress shirts in different sizes . We went to the changing room again . I tried on the pants and shirts until I found the ones that fit . I checked the label on my underwear . I went out to show him the pants and shirt . I changed back into my old clothes , then we went back to the underwear aisle . " Put these back where they belong and get the kind you want . At least ten pair , I 'd say . But don 't go getting those expensive ones . Check the prices , we 're not made of money , " then turned the cart the other way and went around the corner . I was really glad that he left me alone to get underwear . I 'd always wanted colored ones , especially blue , so I got the less expensive ones . He didn 't even look as I dropped them in the cart . Why is it so embarrassing to have people see your underwear ? Even when you 've never worn them or anything and were new in a package ? Weird . But it was so cool that he seemed to understand that . I tried on dress shoes , and got the nice brown ones that didn 't have old - man style or laces . We got shirts for school and for home and to work in . He pointed out what he 'd seen guys my age wearing around . Nothing special or weird , just regular colored t - shirts and such . I liked that he let me decide what to get . He picked up some things he wanted , then we walked past the electronics area . I 'd played video games at my friends ' houses , of course , but I 'd never owned one . Or a computer . Or anything like that . " We can look , " he said . " Nah . Just a tease , " I said with a shrug . " We 've got that television in the guest room . . . I mean , your room . It 's small and black and white . We really could use a new one in the living room , though . Been thinking about it a while . We can put the one there in your room . It 's color and much larger . " He bought a new one , almost four - hundred dollars . The clerk put it on a trolley and said it would be waiting up front . We got a few things in the grocery aisles , mostly stuff they didn 't have that I said I liked . Cereal and snacks and such . He said soda was awful for you , but got some anyway . He got a lot of fruit juices with low sugar or no sugar added to it . The cart was really full . I felt so . . . I don 't know . Like a king ? I guess . We went to the check - out . " Oh ! You dirty old man ! You were such a scamp ! " She kept ringing things up as they talked . She asked my age , told me about her grandson who was fourteen and in high school , and her nephew who was eleven and would be in my grade . " Kevin Walker . You look him up and I bet you two will get along fine . He 's a good boy . " I didn 't think I would . I wasn 't good at meeting people . I didn 't approach any of the few friends I had back in Chicago , they 'd talked to me first . But I figured I could give it a try , if this Kevin guy seemed okay when I found out who he was . I felt my face go bright red and get hot . Why do you smile when you 're embarrassed ? Damn , we 're weird creatures . " Oh , you 're such a cutie ! " she said , nearly laughing . " Yeah , those girls better watch out ! " I almost wanted to step behind my grandpa and hide . Especially when she rang up the underwear . Oh , geeze ! But she didn 't bat an eye or even look at me . Thank God ! We found grandma at the Subway in front of the store . She 'd gotten pencils , pens , a calculator , a little assorted package of paper clips and rubber bands and such things , notebooks , and a backpack . Thankfully , the backpack was a nice one , black with little silver tubes on the edges . I wouldn 't mind it at all . We put the bags in the back of the pickup then pulled up in front of the store where the clerks loaded the television . Now , I don 't know why , but I found myself checking out the one guy who was probably in high school . He had on tan slacks , like all the workers did , and his butt sort of pushed them out , all round and inviting . I 'd never noticed a guy 's butt before . And I got a quick glance at the front of his pants , too . It was really interesting . He had a cute face , too . But too much acne . Still . . . I felt kind of . . . interested ? It was just weird . I wondered what he looked like naked . How big his dick was , his balls , what color his pubes were , and I got an erection . So embarrassing ! Geeze . He pulled in and we went inside . I loved bookstores . And books . I walked right to the science - fiction and fantasy aisle and found the next book in the series I was reading . I 'd almost bought it last week when it came out , but I 'd spent the money on food instead . " Just the one ? " grandma asked . " Well , get another . Nothing expensive , but something large enough to take a bit to read . And something more meaningful , if you know what I mean . " I did know what she meant , but I didn 't know what to get . I went into the classics section , and one stood out like it was lit up . It had a fake green - leather cover and gold lettering . I 'd read a couple of Poe 's short works , like The Raven and The Tell - Tale Heart , and liked them . It was on special , so I got it . They finished the tour of town and went home . Home . Not the shitty little apartment that smelled like cigarettes and burning coke , that needed flushed out with a fire hose , and where I had to keep absolutely quiet and stay in my room unless I was cooking or cleaning . And there was no one to yell at me for nearly nothing . And I wasn 't afraid of being hit for even less . Home . The big , white house on a huge yard , with trees , bushes , grass , even flowers , that smelled like good food and cleaners and fresh air , and where I had a room with a color television in it soon , and a big , soft , warm bed , and where I could talk and walk around and didn 't have to do all the cleaning up or the cooking . And I wasn 't worried that I would have to be quiet or get yelled at or hit . Ever have tears when you were smiling ? So weird . I felt great , really happy , so why the tears ? Damn , we 're weird creatures . My grands didn 't notice , or didn 't say anything . We took in the clothes and I put them away . Then I helped put the little tee - vee in the basement , and move the big one into my room . Then we brought in the new one and set it up . The old one in my room now had a remote control too . They didn 't have cable , and they only got eight channels . Two were pretty snowy . The tee - vee in my room now didn 't pick up anything . We had to hook up the antenna wire that grandpa had bought at the store . I had to , that is . But first , I had to get ready for that lawyer . I got the fancy clothes out , opened the new underwear , and went into the bathroom down the hall . It was nice to be able to take a shower and not worry that Mom or her boyfriend would come pounding on the door , demanding that I get out so they could use the bathroom . I took my time . Fucking nice ! Then I got dressed . Well , first , I put on those blue briefs and checked myself out in the long mirror on the back of the door . I liked them . I wondered if I looked hot in them . I wondered if Chuck would like me in them . I hoped that I got to show him . I really wanted to be with him again . I wanted to do " Well , don 't you look adorable ! " Grandma said as soon as she saw me . We went back upstairs and she handed me a brush from the medicine cabinet . " You can have this . Brand new . We kept it around for guests . " She laughed and left . I finished getting my hair down straight . I might not like my lips , but I had to admit that my hair and eyes were nice . My hair wasn 't bright blond , but it was sure blond . Dark yellow . Almost like gold . And I did have big , blue eyes . Deep blue . Not weak blue . " Your not such a complete dork after all , are you ? Really . " He grinned and walked away . I looked back in the mirror . I had to smile at the guy looking back at me . He was kinda cute . I went to my room and put the dirty clothes on my bed . They weren 't really dirty , so I figured I 'd put them back on later . After the lawyer . She arrived right on time . Tall and skinny and not nearly as old as I expected . And was she ever nice . We sat at the kitchen table . My grandparents told them how I had been found walking the streets of Chicago late at night , alone . With a bag that had a few clothes and a book in it . " Why didn 't you use a suitcase and pack more clothes ? And a few other things ? " she asked . Grandma told her , and her birthday , and where she was born , and the address of the apartment . " It will take a few days to get the information on her and her boyfriend . So , Aiden , did you go to school ? " I told her . And answered her other questions . She didn 't believe me about how mean Daniel was to me , or my mom . But I showed her the marks on my leg where he had hit me with his belt hard enough to make it bleed and left scars . And I told her about all the times they 'd hit me . Especially him . And how Mom said she wished she 'd never had me , except that I was worth money from the city and state and Washington . I told her how I had to get my own groceries , and had to hide them , and make my own food . And do all the dishes and cleaning . And be quiet or get beaten . And had no bed . No clothes . Nothing but a floor and the blankets I 'd bought with the money my grandparents had sent to me . " No bed ? At all ? " " Sure . Fennies made them really weird and sleepy and they left me alone when they took them . Reds made them quiet and they 'd just sit there . I hated when they took amps . They 'd be all loud and jumping around , and I had to stay in my room or I 'd get knocked around . " She nodded and looked around at my grandparents . She made some notes , then looked at my grandparents again . It was kind of weird . Then she looked at me real serious . " I got slapped a lot . And when he took me to my room , he 'd leave marks on my arm from holding it so tight . And he 'd whip the he - . . . uh , heck outta me . " " Okay . Now , tell me honestly , did anyone ever touch you in certain places ? Where they shouldn 't ? If you know what I mean . Do you ? ' I wanted to claim so , to cause him as much trouble as I could , but I didn 't want a lie mixed in with the truth . " No . He didn 't do that kind of stuff . He never tried to molest me or something . Only spanked me on my a - . . . butt . Usually with my pants on . But a couple times he made me take them down . " " Aiden , you have to tell me the truth . Don 't make anything up , or it will only cause trouble for you , not him . But if he did touch you there , on your privates , you should tell us . " " Well . . . " It was so fucking embarrassing ! " One time , he , they were really messed up . I got up to use the bathroom . I was doing that , um , you know , standing up at the toilet , and he came in . Really drunk and messed up . He sort of laughed . " It really bothered me to talk about it , but if it got him into any trouble , it was worth it . " He laughed . And he . . . he came up and . . . he sort of . . . grabbed it . " I sort of sniffled . I 'd forgotten about that , and wished I had kept forgetting about it . " He grabbed my , um . . . you know . . . testes , and said they were like peas . Then he pulled his out and told me how that was what a real man looked like . Then he laughed and told me to get out of his way or he 'd pee on me . " I wiped at my eyes and sort of sniffled again . Grandma put her arm around my shoulders and said , " It 's okay , Aiden . It 's over . It was wrong , and it 'll never happen again . I promise . " " He has a gold stud in it . Under it . At the end . A kind of barbell thing , with two little balls , one on each end of it . " It was over two hours before she said she 'd heard enough . " I 'm pretty sure , so long as this all pans out , that he 's going to be staying here , " she said . " You 've every right , as his grandparents and only other relatives , especially as they haven 't filed him as missing yet . I checked twice this morning . No missing boy by his name or even age or description . Amazing . " I went upstairs and got changed , putting on the clothes I 'd worn earlier . Except that I kept on the new underwear and threw away the old ones . You could almost see through them anyway . We put up the antenna wire for my tee - vee . The roof was so high ! I 'd never been on a roof before ! It was . . . yeah , I 'll admit it . I was fucking scared ! Our apartment was on the fourth floor , so I 'd looked out the window and over the balcony a lot , and that was fine , but being on that roof , with no railing and no window between me and that fall to the ground ! Fuck ! I was shaking like mad as I connected the wires to the antenna ! And being on that ladder to stick the wire to the side of the house and then over to the bedroom window was really scary ! But once I was down the ladder and on the ground again , and looked up , I felt really kind of proud that I 'd done that . And really glad I was standing on the fucking ground ! " Well , that 's your first chore done , " Gramps said , his arm over my shoulder as we looked up at my handiwork . Yeah , I was really proud . And happy . And . . . just . . . it was neat . The barn was neat . It smelled funny , pleasant though . There was a tractor , almost like a farm tractor , with a huge mowing deck behind it . All red , with little rusty spots here and there , and black accents and seat and control panel . He pointed to the seat . I grinned , then climbed up into it . It was like sitting on a throne . " Put your foot on the clutch and push it all the way in . " He showed me how to adjust the seat so that I could , then I was able to . " Now , pull the choke all the way out . Good . Now , turn that key until it starts up . Good . " He had to talk a lot louder now and lean down close to my ear . " Keep your foot on that clutch , and don 't let it go for a second . If your foot gets tired and you need to move it , make sure this gear lever is where it is right now . In neutral . Got it ? " " Now , put the lever up and to the left . Further . It 'll feel like a kind of click when it 's . . . there you go . Now , push the choke in just an inch . Woah , out again a little . " The engine smoothed out again after nearly sputtering and dying . " Now , push up on the gas lever , just an inch until the motor speeds up a bit . Good . Now , just ease off the clutch . Just a tad , until it starts to move . " Boy , did it start to move ! " Keep it straight , right through the doors . That 's it . " We moved out into the sunlight . It was amazing ! " Head over to the tall grass over there . " I steered it that way and as soon as I was aimed toward the tall grass at the far end of the huge yard , he said , " Stop it here . Push the clutch all the way down and push on the brake next to it real gentle . " It came to a slow stop . He showed me how to use the brake and clutch by moving a few feet then stopping . Over and over . When he had me push in the choke the rest of the way , he said , " Now that it 's warmed up , push that lever upward until it clicks and locks . " The blades on the deck behind us whirred into loud life and the seat vibrated like crazy . He had to shout now . " Okay , aim so the left side of the mowing deck is just over the short grass and make a pass ! " It was fantastic ! The smell of the exhaust and the cut grass was making me high ! I 'd been stoned from the smoke when Mom and her lovers got high quite a few times , until I learned to put a fan in my window blowing inward . I felt a little like that , but better . No sick feeling or weird worries . Just fun and joy . He stood next to me , his arm over my shoulder as I steered the tractor around the tall grass , turning it into mulch and a fragrant aroma . I grinned the entire time . I 'd never done anything like that . Not even close ! When we were done , he had me make a pass over the mounds of cut grass , making them almost disappear , then we headed back to the barn . He opened the double doors on the other side and watched as I pulled the tractor into the barn and shut it off . We cleaned the grass out of the underside of the mowing deck , which was a mess . Then we swept off the top of it , cleaned off the grass on the rest of the tractor , then we headed toward the house . He kept his arm on my shoulder every step of the way , which I was really getting to like . We washed off at the water pump by the back door . We took turns pumping the long handle while the other washed off his hands , face , and hair . Damn , did that feel great . I was really thirsty , and when I drank some of the water after washing off , he said , " I wouldn 't drink much of that . " " A lot of limestone and minerals in that water . Best to drink bottled water . This stuff is fine to wash in , and cook with a little , but drinking it tends to make your bowels a little loose . You 'll end up sitting on the commode most of the night . " I didn 't drink any more of it . We went inside and I smelled heaven . The cut grass , the flowers by the house , and fresh biscuits and cooking meat . Oh , man . " Hope my men are hungry , " Grandma said , stirring something on the stove . My stomach even growled loud enough for them to hear . We 'd eaten off plates that morning , which had been the first time for me . I usually ate from the fast food package or the container the chips or whatever were in that I had hidden in my room . This time I really noticed the plates . And the real glasses , not plastic . I don 't know if that made the food so incredible or not . I doubted it , but it sure didn 't hurt any ! After dinner , Gramps and I did more chores . We filled the tractor with fuel , raked out the barn , fed chickens , trimmed around the driveway , and swept the porches . I really liked being outside . In Chicago , outside was loud and smelled bad . And you had to watch your back . Here , it was quiet , peaceful , it smelled great , and there wasn 't anyone to bother me . Just me and Gramps . We talked about what we were doing , and why , and how it was when he was my age , and what I liked to do , and my friends in Chicago , and how he and Grandma met , and their past . It was getting dark when we were done . I was fucking wore out ! But I didn 't care . It was a fair trade for what I 'd gotten away from . And I really liked being outside . And being with him . We cleaned up at the water pump again , and I didn 't drink any of it . Then we went inside . I went upstairs and showered and changed . I wished I had thought of getting sweatpants or something . I watched a terrible love story with Grandma for a bit , but I really didn 't like it . I wanted to spend time with her , but the show was just so . . . sappy . Gramps was reading the Bible in the den , so I went upstairs and read the new science - fiction book , which continued the story of some really interesting characters as they tried to save the world from dragons and evil sorcerers . " A real reader , huh ? " Gramps asked from the doorway . I sat up . He leaned against the door frame . " I wasn 't much of a reader myself . Spent most of my time doing chores and such . If I wasn 't , I was out with my friends , playing ball or raising hell . " " True . I expect you 'll make a few here . The Clark boys live down the road a piece . They 're around your age . One a bit younger , the other a bit older . The younger one might be in your class . You 'll probably ride the bus to school with ' em . " He sat down the bed next to me and put his arm over my shoulder . " Aiden , I just want you to know that you 're more than welcome here . Understand ? " I nodded , feeling a churning in my guts . " It 's not all fun and games . You 'll have to do chores , and help out . " " Good . And the other things we did today . And there 's more to be done , too . There 's a lot of work on a small farm . I don 't grow much , and there 's not a lot to do right now , but come harvest time , you 'll be busting your ass . " " I think so , too . It 's going to be a lot of work . I 've always hired out help , and I still will , of course , but I expect you to pull your own weight . " " I expect I 'll have to hand out a punishment now and again . Boys will be boys . I want you to know I won 't be sparing the rod , so to speak . But I won 't be hitting you for nothing . I 'd only whip your ass if you did something you 're not supposed to and you know it . Like playing around with the tractor on your own . Or stealing something . Or something of that sort . " " Oh , you will . No doubts . And when you do , don 't doubt I 'll have your pants down and your ass red for a week . " I wondered just how bad a whipping would be from him . He seemed really nice , but I knew adults could hide things about themselves pretty well . I wondered if he had a hidden side that was like my mom 's boyfriends ' . I really kind of doubted it , but I thought it was possible . " I really will try not to do anything to be whipped for . " " Good . Try . And remember that I won 't have any reservations about punishing you . Not like spanking your ass is the only thing I 'd do for punishment , either . Take away that television , for one thing . Or ground you to the house or do all the chores on your own . Maybe take away your books . But I won 't unless you deserve it . Do something you know was wrong . Understand ? " I nodded again . " And , when you do your chores , and do what your supposed to , like your homework , you get free rein and freedom . You can come and go , so long as we know where you are and when you 'll be back and who you 're with . We 'll get you a bike tomorrow , so you can get down the road and around a bit . " He sort of hugged me a bit closer to him . Like Chuck did . It was still weird to have someone seeming to care about me . Even if he was my granddad . I wondered why . I was such a putz . Dork , nerd , geek , goofus . But I was glad he did . Chuck too . I wasn 't about to tell him it wasn 't that . " Get back to your book . And get some sleep . We 've got to sign you up at school tomorrow , bright and early . " I nodded . He ruffled my hair and stood up . " Good night , Aiden . " I went back to my book , but I couldn 't pay any attention to it . I wondered what Chuck was doing . I wanted to call him and talk to him . I got up and started writing a letter to him . I told him about everything we did today . I was almost done when Grandma knocked on the door frame . " Aiden , honey . Got a minute ? " I sat up and my stomach rolled over . She came in and sat down on the bed and faced me . " Well , I just wanted to let you know I 'm really very glad that you 've come to stay with us . And I 'm sure the lawyer will make it all legal in time . " " Good . We want you to have a good life . Any rules or such we put down are meant to help you live a good life . When you 're grown , there 's still rules you 'll have to live by . All kinds of rules . That just never ends . " I nodded again . I knew rules were part of life . I wasn 't stupid . " It 's amazing how you 've grown since I last saw you . I think you were seven . Maybe eight . I wish your mother had let us come see you . " " You weren 't there the last time we went up there . She said you 'd gone to stay at your friend 's house for the weekend . I was just so angry that she 'd let you go . She knew we were coming up to see you . " She shook her head and jerked me into a hug . " She said you 'd gone to stay at a friend 's . How long were you in the hospital for ? " Remembering that made me cry hard . I 'd been so close to getting away from her . But she 'd convinced them that I had a ' vivid imagination ' and the medications had me confused . She said I just needed to get home and finish healing up . " It 's okay , Aiden , honey . You 're away from her now . " I didn 't know what to say , so I just cried and held onto her until I stopped crying . " You best get to bed . Big day tomorrow , again . You won 't start school , I don 't think , but you 'll get to see the inside and such . " She kissed the top of my head and then left . I finished the letter to Chuck , then laid down on my bed . I thought about the sex stuff we 'd done . It 'd been really fun . Even if it was faggy . That meant that he was gay . A real fag . I didn 't want to care . I liked him . He 'd been nicer to me than any adult before . And , really , that sex stuff had been awesome . He was a good guy , and I liked him . Gay or not . Pedo or not . I wondered if I was gay . Or going to be . I 'd really liked what I did with him . All the stuff . Even sucking on his dick . I figured I was gay , too . I didn 't care . I sort of did , but if he was , and was such a great guy , then it couldn 't be so bad to be one , too . He was sure a better guy than my mom 's boyfriends . And they were all straight . And total assholes . Chuck was totally cool . And nice . And gay . " I 'd rather be like Chuck than like Mom 's guys . " I rolled over and read . In my own room , with a big , soft bed , and a dresser , and tons of clothes , and school supplies , and a tee - vee that I had wired up to the antenna on the roof myself , and books I didn 't have to worry would come up missing , and it was so quiet and peaceful and comfortable . And clean . And it smelled like cut grass and flowers and laundry detergent . And it was safe . And I felt loved . Home . The only downer the rest of the night was that I spent a lot of time on the commode . I wasn 't going to be drinking out of the well again . Having the shits really sucks . |
I had a perfect life . That 's what everyone told me . I was blessed . Lucky . Other women envied me , wishing even for a slice of my life . They envied my handsome successful husband , my three beautiful children , my large home in the best neighborhood . I was quite attractive and always dressed in the latest styles . I never had to go to work . I was free to enjoy the kinds of activities women of leisure enjoy . I should have been happy . I had what everyone else wanted ; what everyone else was sure would make them happy . I felt there was something deeply wrong with me because even though I had all this , I was profoundly dissatisfied . I was happy enough when my babies were small , until the youngest started school . Suddenly , my days were unfilled . I didn 't quite know what to do with my time . My husband traveled frequently on business and was often gone for days , weeks at a time . I didn 't particularly miss him , but it did leave me lonely for adult company . I joined a club and met some other women who also needed to fill their days . We gossiped , complained , and bragged over cards , over lunch , in the pool . I needed a challenge so I took tennis lessons , and risibly fell victim to that utterly predicable and clichéd story line : attractive but bored , unhappy housewife has affair with handsome , raffish instructor . I craved emotional diversion . I was desperate for my blood to run with passion again , to feel that yearning in the heart and loins . I rejoiced to feel alive and desired . I hungered for it like a drug . He began to appear frequently in my dreams and always in my fantasies . I touched myself , imagining it was his hands on me . Everything reminded me of him . I lived for our weekly trysts . He became the main focus of my thoughts and attention . I needed him like oxygen . The weight of my need was more than he was willing to bear . I was too attached , too needy . I became demanding and weepy . I wanted things from him that were ridiculous to expect from such an ultimately meaningless relationship . I became undignified . And so he broke it off . I could not go back to the club . I could not bear to see him with other women . I could not even bear to be out in public , so raw and so vulnerable . After a while , I 'd drink just until the moment the first one walked in the door . I thought they were too young to notice . ( I was wrong . ) Eventually , I didn 't even care enough to hide my drinking - not from the children who seemed not to need me , not from the housekeeper who was smart enough to do her work and mind her business , and not from my husband when he was around . He didn 't seem to notice me much anymore anyway . Other than civil dinners lacking all intimacy , we mostly stayed to ourselves , him in his part of the house and me in mine . The drinking transformed from something I did to numb my sorrow and loneliness to a genuine addiction . Early on , when necessary , I was capable of functioning out in the world - go to the market , the shops , bank , the hair salon . I 'd have just a quick one before setting out and I could tolerate it for a few hours . I didn 't think anyone knew my secret . ( I was wrong . ) Over time , it became more important to me to be able to drink at will than to be able to hold myself together for the sake of others . I was aware enough to recognize that in my usual condition . I was too sloppy to be in polite company . When drunk , I was prone to doing embarrassing things . I did not want to bring that humiliation on my family . So I stayed at home . Besides , daylight and other humans had begun to bother me . Once , while in the middle of figuring that out , I picked up my youngest son and some of his friends at an after - school event . I was quite drunk . The teachers must have noticed my condition , but they dared not stop me from driving . Although it would have been the reasonable thing to do , it was not their place . On the way home , I swerved off the road on a sharp S - curve and came perilously close to a fatal accident . Fortunately , nobody was hurt , but the children were terrified and I was deeply shaken . As my appearance deteriorated , so did my health . I grew soft and sloppy . My face puffed and my muscles sagged . I looked years older than my chronological age . I had gone from the envy of all to the person everyone pitied , including myself . Towards the end , when my condition was too awful for my family to continue to ignore , they tried to get me some help , but I was already beyond the point of salvation . I didn 't want to stop . I didn 't want to change . I just wanted to remain numb until I died , which I expected would not take long . I knew it would kill me . I hoped it did so quickly . But it was not the drink , itself , that did me in . That was a symptom . What destroyed me was my guilt over not being happy despite all that God had given me . According to everyone else , I had everything a woman could desire to achieve maximum satisfaction . If I was unhappy with all this , clearly there was something wrong with me ; there was nothing that could make me happy . I was too damaged and undeserving of happiness . If I could have assuaged my guilt by giving those slices of my life to whoever could take benefit from them , I would have . Such advantages were wasted on me . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I lived in a small village at the edge of a large salt lake . We did not have much that we didn 't make or grow ourselves , or trade for other goods . We had existed in this place , on this dry , inhospitable land for as far back as our collective memory and stories went . We followed a careful social order which kept everything and everyone stable and status quo . We each knew our duties and responsibilities - to our family , to our neighbors , to our small tribe . There was a strict hierarchy , and we all knew our place . The chief was at the top . His was only law we knew and the only law we needed . One day , some wazungu arrived on a small bus driven by a man known by our chief . The driver spoke our language and also that of the mazungu . Some of the men in our village had seen white faces before , in the city , but never had they come to us . They were completely strange creatures to most of us women … not just their skin color , not even the texture of their hair or their impractical clothing … but the way the conducted themselves . There was no chief . The women laughed and talked among themselves , mostly ignoring the men , who never thought to scold or beat them . What kind of women were these ? Where were their children ? Did they have no important work to occupy them ? Why did they behave so freely , so foolishly , as if they had no care in the world ? Were they not aware of all the misfortunes that might befall a woman if she let down her guard even for a moment ? We stared at them , and they stared at us . The driver told our chief to tell us to simply ignore them as they came from far away and wanted to watch us go about our lives in our usual way . For this , the driver paid the chief a few shillings . As he kept the entire amount for himself , he was quite happy with this arrangement . After that , they came approximately once a moon , sometimes more , sometimes less . This went on for many years . Sometimes the driver gifted us all with a large bag of rice or beans , and then perhaps we might have a feast . These wazungu were pleasant and friendly enough even though we could not communicate with them in words . Mostly , they wanted to watch us women doing our work … fetching water , cleaning grain and pounding it into flour , weaving thatch , gathering wood and making a cooking fire , nursing our babies . They liked to see inside our huts , where we slept . They seemed to particularly like watching the children , playing and climbing and running . They pointed their small boxes at us but it was a long time until most of us understood what the purpose of that was . None of us had ever seen a photograph of ourselves . I doubt I would even have been able to identify myself in a photograph . Some of the friendlier wazungu seemed to ask permission before pointing their camera box at us , but since we had no idea what they were doing , we just shrugged and smiled and let them do it . We found it inexplicably strange . We became accustomed to the visits . Some groups were nicer , more friendly , more polite than others , but mostly they were a waste of our time . Usually , we could truly ignore them as we went about our business but sometimes , they got in our way and made things more difficult . And for our compliance , we got nothing for ourselves . We villagers knew better than to ask them for anything as compensation . That arrangement was strictly between our chief and the driver . The visitors also understood this and never offered us anything . There was a woman , in the village , of very low status . Her husband had left her and their infant son , and run off to the city , ( so we were told . ) She had been a bad wife ( for why else would he have left her ? ) and now she was a burden to the rest of us . This woman , I shall call her K , was always far more fascinated by the wazungu than the rest of us . We used to tease her that one day she was going to hide on the bus and go away with them , but of course , it was a joke because where would she go ? What would she do ? She might have been low status in the village , but at least she was cared for . Would any mzungu care for her out there ? She , as we , knew the answer . This immediately caused anger , resentment , and jealousy among the village women . The girl had done nothing to deserve any such honor , and in fact , she 'd only received this gift because she 'd lingered too long around the bus people , and let them hold her child , when she should have been working . It seemed doubly unfair that she was rewarded for her bad behavior . We grumbled and gossiped , but she pretended not to care . This went on for several days , until one afternoon the chief 's first wife walked across the village , her eyes burning with anger and purpose . She walked into K 's small hut , pulled her outside , struck her knocking her to the ground , pulled her hair , grabbed the scarf off her head , and triumphantly tied it around her own . K lay crying and moaning in the dust . The women were immediately divided in opinion . Some believed the chief 's wife did the right thing , that it was the only choice . Some believed that as badly as K had behaved , nothing justified violence . And along this line , we fell into two camps . It was a delicate matter since his wife held high status , and it would be a humiliation for her to beaten publicly . This would only cause further problems . He had the right to beat K , if only for her inappropriate behavior in the days prior . But he could not beat one without beating the other , and fortunately for all of us , he was not the kind of man who enjoyed giving beatings . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! We were a love match . School sweethearts . We married young and within a few years , together we opened a men 's haberdashery . We worked hard and slowly made a success of it . A few years later , we had a son . He was a clever boy . We put him to work in the shop when he was old enough to wait on customers and handle money . You could say he grew up there . My husband expected him to take over the business . Our son had other ideas . The store was stifling for him . He had no interest . We had a falling out . It was mostly with his father , but since he regarded us as an indivisible unit , he stopped talking to me , too . He moved far away . We never repaired our relationship . We were not close . I barely knew his wife or his children - my own grandchildren . My husband didn 't seem to mind this loss too much . If his son had no use for the business , he interpreted it to mean he had no use for him , either . The business was his baby . Over the years , he nurtured it , dedicating many hours to making it thrive . I was always at his side , doing whatever I could do to help . But the vision was his . He knew where he wanted the business to go , and he was good at finding ways for it to get there . I did not resent that my own dreams never had the opportunity to manifest because , to be honest , I did not have any big dreams . I was content being a mother ( until I wasn 't any longer ) , and being my husband 's helpmeet . This provided me all the satisfaction I needed in life . The business grew into a successful enterprise which allowed us to live an agreeable and secure life . We grew old together , still working side by side in the shop . We continued to live , as we always had , in a comfortable apartment above the store . Over time , the world changed and it was harder to keep up . I was completely lost . I had little idea how to run the store - what to stock , how to negotiate with suppliers , how to balance the books . We had almost nothing in savings - every last coin had been spent trying to remain afloat . My husband had been good at treading water . I began to drown immediately . It did not take long for the store to fail completely . Without any source of income , I soon lost the apartment , too . At 83 years old , I was alone , without a home . I reached out to my son who was kind enough to send me a pittance , just enough to pay for a roof over my head , but not much more . I was grateful not to have to sleep on the street but in all other things , I was completely at the mercy of strangers . Most were not very merciful . I was sick and frail . I was consumed by the pain of loneliness . I 'd worked hard my entire life . I 'd been the good and faithful wife of a good and faithful husband . I 'd lived in relative security and comfort . I did not understand how all this misfortune had befallen me so quickly . I resented the world for taking everything away from me . I became increasingly forgetful . Confused . It was easier to let go of reality which had become simply too painful to bear . I was dead within two years . Two years which seemed to stretch out to an eternity . Two years which , looking back , defined my life more than the eighty three years lived before it . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I never had to think for myself . Where I lived , a woman was not meant to think . She was meant to obey . She was meant to follow first her father 's , then her husband 's commands . There was no good reason to teach her to read or write . Men had to be careful not to let women have access to new and strange ideas . A woman 's place was just below that of a good pack animal . She was judged by how much work she could do , by how much she could carry , and by her acquiescence to her master 's will . The men held fiercely to their small power over women . Every possible minuscule advance in our status was weighed with great solemnity . They discussed and argued . The loudest voices were the ones who warned , that if we were allowed to do this , soon we 'd want to do that . And if we did that , there 's no telling when we 'd demand to do such - and - such . Or , if we found out this , we might surmise that which might eventually lead us to discover so - and - so . And then , before you know it , we women would not be able to be controlled . I didn 't get angry about it . It never dawned on me that it should be any other way . I would no sooner think that I could change the color of the sky or stop the snow in winter . These were just the immutable facts of life ; laws of nature . Why waste energy on trying to change what cannot be changed ? Joy and relief were only to be found among women . In this sisterhood , we eased each others ' burdens and shared our hearts . We did not converse about changing our lot . We did not secretly plan to topple the status quo . We had no power and we knew it . And even if we could , by some miracle , shift the balance to our own favor , what then ? We did not have the knowledge or skills to run things . Perhaps we might eventually have learned what was necessary , but we might well have starved before then . In our group of women , there was a funny one who could really make us laugh . She imitated perfectly the fat man 's swagger , and his way of talking down to everyone as if he alone knew all the answers . When she told stories of things she had seen in the village or in the fields or on the road to market , she described them in her special way , noting funny things most of us would not have noticed . We giggled like little girls at her sharp - eyed observations . But even she dare not show this talent to the men . She was far too clever to reveal her cleverness . And if she dared not to rise up ; if she , in all her cleverness , saw no hope of changing the existing conditions , how could any of us even think about dreaming of change ? It wasn 't hopeless . It just was . We were not completely helpless . Sometimes the women banded together to achieve certain concessions from the men . But our demands were not for freedom or education . Such requests would only cause us to be beaten back down severely , to teach us our place . We used our wiles . Once , we wanted a new well closer to our end of the village so we didn 't have to carry water so far . We convinced the men of the economic logic in this . If we didn 't have to waste our time carrying water , we would then have more time and energy for other , more productive work . It was suggested - with words which were never spoken - that less time walking to and from the well meant less time for gossip . Men hated women gossiping because they did not know what we were saying , and they understood something that we did not - that if we women ever decided to rise up together , the men would be helpless against us . They could not vanquish us as an enemy . They could not kill us all . They could not live without our work ; without our child - bearing and child - raising . I think they all lived in fear that one day , amid our gossip , we would suddenly realize that although the men had the guns , the women held the power . This sense of community made light of our work . I cannot say the gossip did not sometimes get hurtful or petty or manipulative . In every group , everywhere , there are always those who will be small - minded and those who will rise above . Thus defines the dynamics of the group . I cannot say I was unhappy . My life was my lot , and I accepted whatever came to me . I did not expect grace or kindness or respect in the world and so I did not feel deprived not to have it . There is something to be said for accepting one 's lot in life the same way one eventually must accept one 's own face , the structure of one 's own body . Wishing for something different is a pointless . Better to put our energy into making the best of what we have . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I killed him . I did . I suppose I should have felt some kind of guilt or remorse but those feelings never occurred to me . My immediate and final reaction was relief . I had no choice . It finally came down to him or me . My actions were inevitable . His abuse of me was no secret to anyone . My body bore the colors and stains of his irrational anger . I never tried to hide them . I wanted others to know . I wanted justice . I wanted vindication . I wanted somebody to save me ; to stop him . But nobody wanted to get involved . Whatever was going on was between a husband and wife . It was nobody else 's business . And so no one ever intervened on my behalf . I made them uncomfortable . Seeing me like that compelled them to have an opinion ; to take sides ; to confront the immorality of their silence . But I refused to hide . I wanted them to be feel guilty about their cowardice , to feel uncomfortable in the comfort of their own lives . I 'd wear my bloodied , bruised face and body into town , forcing them to confront their own complicity by doing nothing . Passing people on the street , I would look them in the eye and nod hello . When I walked into the General Store , they 'd all turn to look and see who 'd just come in , and then immediately , they 'd look away . I would walk right up to the counter , and ask for what I needed , and they had to wait on me , all the while pretending they didn 't understand that I 'd been beaten like an intransigent mule . Some of them felt sympathy but I didn 't need their pity . I needed action . Most shunned me , as if I were shameful . But why should I have felt shame ? He was the guilty one . I was merely his victim . We worked our own land , so although he was known in town , he mostly kept to himself . He mostly drank at home , but occasionally he drank at the saloon . After a few , he would become belligerent . But nobody ever stopped him from drinking , and nobody every stopped him from going home , even knowing what he was likely to do when he got there . And then one night , in one of his rages , he grabbed me by the throat and nearly strangled me to death . I managed to get away . I grabbed his gun and I shot him , right in the bed . I didn 't know what would happen to me but I didn 't run . In any case , I had nowhere to go . In the morning , I went into town and presented myself to the sheriff . There was a trial . It was quick . I had nothing much to say in my own defense that wasn 't already obvious to all from the marks on my neck and years of history . The jury of men deliberated for a long time but in the end , they could not set me free . That would send a bad message to the other wives . And so , I was hanged . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was still just a girl when he took me as his bride . It was just a few months shy of my sixteenth birthday when parents arranged for me to marry him . He , at twenty - three , seemed ancient to me . He was a hunter and trapper and lived deep in the woods , far from town , where we had both grown up . Although he had some money , he was somewhat coarse and lacking manners , having lived alone for many years . He was big and tall with a long thick black beard and wild black hair . He towered over my tiny frame . Although his size was intimidating , he did not seem unkind . I was not afraid of him . He had done well in his trade over the previous years , and felt it was time to take a bride ; to start a family . He came to town to seek not a beauty or a spoiled rich girl . He needed a wife to do the woman 's work , to mother his children . He knew he could not live alone forever . It would drive him mad , like some of the old woodsmen he 'd met . In the village , the daughters of wealthier fathers had better choices . I was a plain girl , from a poor family . I felt lucky that my parents were able to find me a husband at all . To not have a husband and children was a cause of great shame . It was the worst kind of failure , a bad reflection on the girl herself , and her family . Nothing good became of such women . I was not asked if I wanted to marry him . It was not my decision . In any case , it was not a question I would have thought to ask even myself . As most young girls , I 'd often wondered what kind of man my future husband would be but it never crossed my mind that I would have any choice in the matter . I could only hope my parents chose well . Our marriage was a practical transaction . He was in need of a wife and I was in need of a dependable husband with whom to make babies . He 'd heard of me though some family of his who still lived in town . He sought out my parents and made the arrangements . We were married in a quick service the next day . Afterward , we rode back to his small house , in the forest , far from any neighbors . He was solitary by nature ; not comfortable around people . A more social man never would have taken up that line of work . Whether he preferred being alone because he was not good with people , or whether he was not good with people because he spent so much time alone , I really don 't know . I always suspected he never had much use for other humans . In the beginning , living there was torture . When he was home , he barely spoke at all , and there was no one else to talk to . I would often have imaginary conversations with myself , in my head when he was there , or aloud when I was alone . Every few weeks , we went to town for supplies and to visit my family ; more often in the nice weather , less in the winter . Although the trip was arduous and took the better part of a day , I always looked forward to it . My family might not have had much money , but I was trained to be a good , efficient , frugal wife . I saw what needed to be done around the house and I did it without grumbling . This was my lot in life , same as my mother 's , and her mother 's , and her mother 's before her . Without choice , I had no cause for complaint . I did my best and learned to find satisfaction in my own accomplishments . Eventually , there were children . Five . Three boys and two girls . The boys followed in their father 's trade , and the girls married better than I and lived in town . After all those years of marriage , even without speaking , we learned to communicate . We took care of each other , watched out for each other , even worried about each other . We became kinder , more thoughtful . We slowly pushed the boundaries of our trust . We respected each other 's differences and gave each other plenty of room . I don 't know if I would call it love , exactly . It was two people making the best of their circumstances . You might think , after all those years , after all we 'd been through together , I would have missed him . But no . What I missed was the quiet solitude of the woods . I didn 't know him when I married him . I was a young woman and he was much older than I was . He had never been lucky with women , never been married . My family arranged for me to travel from my country to his to be his wife . They said my life would be better there . I was taught that wives should behave in a subservient manner towards their husbands so I knew my place . I was clever enough to know I should hide my cleverness . I was efficient . Reliable . Pliable . Not too demanding , at least not initially . After a couple of years , we had a child . I devoted myself to motherhood which gave me far more pleasure than my marriage . I did not have too many friends . My social circle was very small . For the most part , I was limited to the wives of his friends , of which he had very few . Some of the wives were also foreign - born , married sight unseen like me , but they were not from my country . The language barriers made it difficult to share our experiences although I assumed their stories were similar to mine . I would have loved to have had a friend to talk to about my marriage , but it seemed my own husband was not the only one who preferred to keep me from getting to close with others . Initially , he was kind to me . He sometimes lost his temper but he went through the motions of apology . He pretended that we were a happy couple in love . But we were not . Soon he made less of an effort to control his temper . He was an unhappy man and nothing I could do could change that , although I worked hard to be a good wife and give him what he needed . I eventually realized that any intimacy we had at the beginning was purely fantasy . In reality , we had nothing in common . When I first came to him , I respected him . He seemed to me smart and successful and knowledgeable about the world , but of course this was only in comparison to the men I knew from my village . When I got to know him , however , I recognized that he was not worthy of even my insignificant respect . I tried to hide my growing contempt for him , but such things show on the face , in the tone of voice , in the lack of genuine interest in pleasing him . He took out his anger at the world on me . I could do nothing right . I was useless . He was going to send me back and keep our son . No man would ever want me again . Even my own family would reject me because I was such a terrible wife . I would go back to my village and live out my days sweeping the streets , an outcast , a pariah . I believed that he could do this . Worse , I believed that he would do this . I tried harder to put on a good face for him ; to be obedient and of service . I made myself small and invisible when I was not fulfilling his present needs . And then , one day in the market , I saw a woman who had a face typical of the women who came from my country . I said something to her in my language to see if she would respond . To my delight , she did ! We became fast friends . She had come over as a young woman and found work as domestic help . The family she worked for was kind , and even allowed her to take some evening classes in school to improve her language skills . This was something I dared not even ask my husband about . I already knew the answer . I 'd be punished in one way or another just for suggesting that I wanted to become more independent . We met once or twice a week , me with my son and her with her charges . We would do our shopping then steal a few minutes for ourselves in the park , while the children played . We chatted in our mother tongue , and for the first the first time since I 'd arrived , I felt that I had a friend of my own , someone who understood me . Even though , as a married woman , I had more status than she did , I was envious of her position . She knew things about this new land that I never would have imagined and never would have discovered on my own . She was a window into the culture . She might not have had much that was her own , but at least she was free ( so it seemed to me , anyway . ) Eventually , I confided in her how unhappy I was . I felt like a prisoner in my marriage , with escape being worse than captivity . I didn 't want to stay but I had nowhere to do . I had very little of my own money - just the little bit that I managed to hide away from my household budget . It wouldn 't get me and my son anywhere . I had no skills and could not support us . In any case , my husband would not rest until he had hunted me down . I felt like a trapped animal . The isolation of my marriage was unbearable . If it weren 't for my son , I might even have killed myself but I would not leave him alone to be raised by that man . In the early years , when I was merely unhappy , I used to pray for more kindness and understanding from my husband , more patience for myself . Eventually , however , my prayers were not so noble . I began to pray for his death . I knew this was a sin , but it was the only path I could see to my salvation . With him gone , I would be free and have the house and his money . These wishes soon became manifest in my actions . At first , I was defiant in small , secret ways . For example , I would not wash all his clothes but rather fold them and put them back as if they had been laundered . One afternoon , as I began to prepare dinner , I noticed the meat had gone bad . I fed it to him anyway . Slowly , I became emboldened . Sometimes , I would pull plants from the side of the road and add them to his food , hoping that they were poisonous . One day , after he beat me , I was so angry , I picked up some dog feces in the street and added it to his soup . I didn 't have the nerve to actually murder him , but I tried to give Fate a helping hand . But none of these efforts , not any of my prayers , seemed to have any effect on him . How could a man so evil be so lucky ? I never told my friend about my prayers or small sabotages . I didn 't want her to feel responsible if I succeeded . Maybe I was afraid she would encourage me to do worse to him , and that I would allow myself to be led . Finally , one day , after many such miserable years , he was drinking in the local bar and simply fell over , clutching his chest . I pretended to others to be sad - I had become quite good at pretending - but I was relieved that he was finally dead , and that I was not responsible for his death . ( I didn 't figure my prayers had killed him because I 'd been praying for a long time with no results . ) There wasn 't a lot of money left after everything was sold , but it was enough to let me start over somewhere else . I took my son and my friend , and we went far away , and made a new life for ourselves . It was sometimes a struggle , but at least we were free . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was born into slavery ; I never knew any other life . My mother was taken as a girl . As I was the product of her body , so I was property as well . My mother was concubine to the master and even though I was the offspring of that union , I had no birthright . We , and others like us , had to work because we were not wives . We had no power , no rights , little privilege . We were at the beckoning of the master 's mother , who ruled us like a queen . Those who were concubines went to the master or his guests when summoned . Otherwise , we worked in the house or in the court at jobs that best fit our skills and age . The concubines did not work in the fields , lest we become unattractive and our usefulness diminished . When I was young , I sewed tiny precious beads onto beautiful fabrics , in elaborate , intricate designs using the finest golden thread . These were later made into clothing for the family . I did this until my fingers cramped and bled ( I had to be careful not to stain the silk ! ) I did it until my eyes crossed and I was nearly blind . I did it until my neck and back ached even when I slept . Still , my lot was better than the slaves who worked the fields and orchards . I thought myself lucky . I was fed regularly . My living quarters were clean and dry and warm in the winter . If I became very ill , my symptoms were tended to by the doctor . We were not beaten or whipped . We were kept away from all men . Our bodies were not ours to give nor for any man but the master to take or share as he saw fit . We belonged to him , to be used or lent at his ( or his mother 's ) whim . I was never sent to the master because I was his own child but I was , from time to time , offered to visiting dignitaries or officials . These men were not gentle or kind , but fortunately , as I was not particularly beautiful or adept in bed , my charms were not in high demand . Eventually , I was completely ignored for such things . All I knew about life beyond the walls was what some of the others , including my mother , told me . For many , the outside world seemed more difficult , full of poverty , back - breaking work , and starvation . Almost all were young virgins when they were captured so they did not long for lost husbands or lovers or children . Many were captives of war , and were grateful for the peace and plenty of their new circumstances . But some were captured away from their families . These girls found adjustment most difficult . They would weep and cry when they first arrived but in time they forgot their old lives and settled into the new . I was lucky because I had nothing to miss , and because my mother was there to teach and protect me . When the weather turned warm , I enjoyed being outside in the courtyard with the others , working , gossiping . Not all the women were embroiderers . Some minded the children . Some played instruments and sang . Some were dancers . Some were ladies ' maids to the women of status . Some of the favorite concubines had only to keep themselves attractive . This was very important as it was her access to the master that gave her power . Each of us had access to different parts of the household , and so each had different information . By sharing what we knew , we could put together a bigger story . Some of the older women , longtime favorite concubines and lesser wives , those with more power and influence than I could ever hope for , were quite adept at grand manipulations . A carefully planted rumor , a well - told lie , a damning truth , whispered genially and sincerely in the right ear , all served to help accrue more power and influence . Over the years , there was more intrigue and machinations than I can recount . There were poisonings and betrayals , false friendships and lies , all in the service of power and rank . But my own ambition was never so great as some of the others . My first manipulation began accidentally when I befriended the youngest child of one of the lesser wives . The nanny who minded her was dull and sullen and was too lazy to play with her . I could see that the child was bored so later , alone , I fashioned a small doll for her from scraps of blue silk , with eyes of fresh water pearls and tiny lapis beads , and a smile of garnets . This was not done with any specific plan in mind . The girl seemed lonely and I felt sorry for her , so I made her a small gift using what I had at hand . She was , after all , my sister ( although this was not common knowledge among the other women . ) I gave it to her the next time I saw her . She was delighted . And her nanny was pleased that someone else made an effort to entertain the child , relieving her of the burden of having to pay attention . Several days later , when we were again all outside together , the girl came over to where I sat to watch me work . She seemed fascinated by the idea of making designs with beads and thread . As I worked , she listened raptly as I told her stories about fantastic creatures and faraway places , completely of my imagination . I felt a kinship for her and although she did not know who I was , she sensed the attachment . Seeing us together , it occurred to the nanny that I was perhaps entertaining the child too well . She suspected that her position might be in jeopardy . She called the child to come away from me but she was reluctant to go . In that brief moment , I sensed opportunity . I whispered to the girl to come see me again soon . I 'd have more stories for her . Her nanny , by then , had become wary and prevented her from visiting with me . But the girl kept her eye on me . I would smile and wave . I would tell funny stories to the other girls my age to make them laugh , so the child would see this and feel she was missing the fun . The girl loved me because I devoted myself to her . And I loved her , because , even though there was a great difference in status , I knew we were blood . We shared many of the same features , and I brushed her long black hair and styled it like my own . When she was grown enough to no longer need a nanny , she kept me close by making me her ladies ' maid . And so my rank increased again , as I was now privy to more important information , received firsthand , which made it more valuable . Information was currency . I could trade it for favors . Eventually it came time for her to marry . Her husband lived afar . Although she wanted me to come with her , I was still property of the household and her father would not give me to her . Both he and I understood that if I went with her , her husband would be my new master , and if he took me as his concubine , as was his right , it would cause her deep pain . We bid our tearful farewells . She was both a child and a sister to me . She was the only person I ever missed . I only saw her once again , many years later , when she returned for her father 's funeral . It was a sweet reunion . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . Think of others who might enjoy it too , and help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have just started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooe I never had to think for myself . Where I lived , a woman was not meant to think . She was meant to obey . She was meant to follow first her father 's , then her husband 's commands . There was no good reason to teach her to read or write . Men had to be careful not to let women have access to new and strange ideas . A woman 's place was just below that of a good pack animal . She was judged by how much work she could do , by how much she could carry , and by her acquiescence to her master 's will . The men held fiercely to their small power over women . Every possible minuscule advance in our status was weighed with great solemnity . They discussed and argued . The loudest voices were the ones who warned , that if we were allowed to do this , soon we 'd want to do that . And if we did that , there 's no telling when we 'd demand to do such - and - such . Or , if we found out this , we might surmise that which might eventually lead us to discover so - and - so . And then , before you know it , we women would not be able to be controlled . I didn 't get angry about it . It never dawned on me that it should be any other way . I would no sooner think that I could change the color of the sky or stop the snow in winter . These were just the immutable facts of life ; laws of nature . Why waste energy on trying to change what cannot be changed ? Joy and relief were only to be found among women . In this sisterhood , we eased each others ' burdens and shared our hearts . We did not converse about changing our lot . We did not secretly plan to topple the status quo . We had no power and we knew it . And even if we could , by some miracle , shift the balance to our own favor , what then ? We did not have the knowledge or skills to run things . Perhaps we might eventually have learned what was necessary , but we might well have starved before then . In our group of women , there was a funny one who could really make us laugh . She imitated perfectly the fat man 's swagger , and his way of talking down to everyone as if he alone knew all the answers . When she told stories of things she had seen in the village or in the fields or on the road to market , she described them in her special way , noting funny things most of us would not have noticed . We giggled like little girls at her sharp - eyed observations . But even she dare not show this talent to the men . She was far too clever to reveal her cleverness . And if she dared not to rise up ; if she , in all her cleverness , saw no hope of changing the existing conditions , how could any of us even think about dreaming of change ? It wasn 't hopeless . It just was . We were not completely helpless . Sometimes the women banded together to achieve certain concessions from the men . But our demands were not for freedom or education . Such requests would only cause us to be beaten back down severely , to teach us our place . We used our wiles . Once , we wanted a new well closer to our end of the village so we didn 't have to carry water so far . We convinced the men of the economic logic in this . If we didn 't have to waste our time carrying water , we would then have more time and energy for other , more productive work . It was suggested - with words which were never spoken - that less time walking to and from the well meant less time for gossip . Men hated women gossiping because they did not know what we were saying , and they understood something that we did not - that if we women ever decided to rise up together , the men would be helpless against us . They could not vanquish us as an enemy . They could not kill us all . They could not live without our work ; without our child - bearing and child - raising . I think they all lived in fear that one day , amid our gossip , we would suddenly realize that although the men had the guns , the women held the power . This sense of community made light of our work . I cannot say the gossip did not sometimes get hurtful or petty or manipulative . In every group , everywhere , there are always those who will be small - minded and those who will rise above . Thus defines the dynamics of the group . I cannot say I was unhappy . My life was my lot , and I accepted whatever came to me . I did not expect grace or kindness or respect in the world and so I did not feel deprived not to have it . There is something to be said for accepting one 's lot in life the same way one eventually must accept one 's own face , the structure of one 's own body . Wishing for something different is a pointless . Better to put our energy into making the best of what we have . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
The Federation - Klingon alliance has to end . They have to see what their " allies " really are : cold - blooded murderers . Where Brenok has hope is in appealing to the Federation 's people . That 's one thing about democracy : if he can get the people angry enough , outraged enough , they 'll force their government into action . ( And Ronus ' remark about " eating ME " was hilarious ! Why Jadzia Dax wasn 't totally grossed out , I have no idea ! I mean . . . yuck . It DOES seem like it would be Trill cannibalism ! ) Brenok is now a full - grown cat . Still cute , but don 't try to put him in his carrier and take him to the vet . ( But he NEEDS to go to the vet ; he really does . This new symptom is very worrisome . It also makes me think of what will happen as my Gul Berat gets older . ) Ronus . . . oh , boy . He has bad timing . That was the worst time for him to have that conversation with Laran . If he wanted to actually make a point and be listened to , doing it while Jarol was laying on a biobed either dying or facing the prospect of serious brain damage was not the time to do it . He was right , and I think that if Laran is ever going to be a successful archon , he will have to face the fact that Ronus WAS right . He will have to face the fact that if ever his mother is put in a tribunal , he will have to recuse himself as archon , that he cannot and must not abuse the law in any way to protect her . ( Though he could be her " lawyer , " because a lawyer is someone who takes sides , by definition . ) He does at least know the truth deep down , and so far , so far , he does not strike me as arrogant . In some ways , I like the fact that he allows himself to be afraid and confused when it 's the time for those emotions . He 's not wearing a mask , so that means he hasn 't sealed himself off the way Gul Dukat did and Jarol is in danger of doing . ( As for a potential sentence for Jarol . . . I think , sadly , that the injuries she has just suffered may force the sentence that she requires , that is not death : loss of power , prestige , and position . But I would not make it a merciless sentence , though . I would not want her symptoms to be severe - - just disqualifying as far as military service goes . I would send Laran back to Cardassia Prime where he could be there , and she could have family with her : her parents and her son both . The best part of her is the " family member " part . . . taking the rest , and leaving her in a position where she could enjoy that part would help , I think , to repair and redeem her . ) ( And Ronus ' remark about " eating ME " was hilarious ! Why Jadzia Dax wasn 't totally grossed out , I have no idea ! I mean . . . yuck . It DOES seem like it would be Trill cannibalism ! ) Click to expand . . . Brenok is now a full - grown cat . Still cute , but don 't try to put him in his carrier and take him to the vet . ( But he NEEDS to go to the vet ; he really does . This new symptom is very worrisome . It also makes me think of what will happen as my Gul Berat gets older . ) Click to expand . . . Oh , yes . It remind me of my Beanie and how he behaves at a vet . Oh , my , they have a huge warning in his medical record : red letters CAT BITES , and no one believes me that he is the sweetest furry being on Earth Nerys Ghemor said : Ronus . . . oh , boy . He has bad timing . That was the worst time for him to have that conversation with Laran . If he wanted to actually make a point and be listened to , doing it while Jarol was laying on a biobed either dying or facing the prospect of serious brain damage was not the time to do it . Click to expand . . . ( And Ronus ' remark about " eating ME " was hilarious ! Why Jadzia Dax wasn 't totally grossed out , I have no idea ! I mean . . . yuck . It DOES seem like it would be Trill cannibalism ! ) Click to expand . . . I wonder if it was part of Jadzia / Curzon 's little " rebellion against all rules . " But as you know , I am not a fan of Jadzia . . . and her Klingon infatuation ( which was in part Curzon 's personality taking her over ) did NOT make it better . I could understand liking Worf , but Klingon culture ? No . I couldn 't help but see it . . . especially when he got all flustered and started saying , in his unusual way , " I be so sorry ! " It 's soooo difficult to write his " funny grammar " though . I have to go back to each sentence and " fix " it Click to expand . . . Oh , yes . It remind me of my Beanie and how he behaves at a vet . Oh , my , they have a huge warning in his medical record : red letters CAT BITES , and no one believes me that he is the sweetest furry being on Earth Click to expand . . . I wonder if it was part of Jadzia / Curzon 's little " rebellion against all rules . " But as you know , I am not a fan of Jadzia . . . and her Klingon infatuation ( which was in part Curzon 's personality taking her over ) did NOT make it better . I could understand liking Worf , but Klingon culture ? No . Click to expand . . . Asu couldn 't be further from Jadzia 's and Curson 's personality , could he ? He 's just not like that . Not a party boy , not a Klingon culture lover , certainly not a fan of their cuisine Nerys Ghemor said : Legate Ekoor rubbed his tired eyes . This was not what he imagined his office term would look like . He looked at the padd that contained the document again . He didn 't want to send it , he had been postponing it for over an hour already . Maybe he could do it tomorrow ? Maybe a miracle would happen and he wouldn 't have to send it at all ? Or maybe it was just a bad dream . A comm interrupted his reverie . He pressed the button . " What is it ? " Was Glinn Forles still on duty ? Why didn 't he go home yet ? Ekoor 's terminal was isolated from the common database . He stored too many important and top secret documents there to risk any unauthorised access . Every connection had to be controlled and secured . And temporary . " It was brought to my attention that a Cardassian station on the edge of the Cardassian territory had been attacked by a small Klingon force earlier today . Please be assured this was a rogue operation and not in any way endorsed by the Klingon High Council . If the captain hadn 't died at the hands of your brave warriors , he would be executed for this foolish and cowardly act . " We also hope that this will not provoke any undesired consequences . We do not seek war with you . The Klingon Empire does not see any gain in a conflict with the Cardassian Union . We hope this unauthorised action can be ignored . " Forles ! " he called his aide . The glinn was in his office within seconds . " There are a few things I need you to do . First , contact the Federation ambassador . Second , wake up everyone ; this is not time to sleep . Third . . . " Ekoor didn 't feel tired . He didn 't have the luxury to let such feelings overwhelm him . He entered the office that had been occupied by the legate responsible for interstellar affairs and looked expectantly at two people present : Legate Gortan and Federation Ambassador Azagoo . She nodded . " Indeed . " She paused , thinking for a while . " You wanted to know if the Federation would have any idea why the Klingons attacked and why now they ask for ignoring that attack . " She pursed her lips . " We know nothing . The Klingons don 't share this kind of information with us and their ambassador was not forthcoming with information . " " Please remember this is an unofficial information . You cannot use it for any kind of official statements or even in your news broadcasts . This is between us , the Federation and Cardassia . The Federation doesn 't want another war in the quadrant , even if we wouldn 't be involved . " She paused again . " Several weeks ago we detected a strange space anomaly . A kind of subspace fissure . The phenomenon re - appeared several times , each time stronger . The analysis showed that there was a pattern . A circle pattern with the centre in the Klingon territory near Qo ' noS . The fissures there were the biggest , lasted longest and were most clear . The further from the centre , the less significant the fissures were . " She nodded to Gortan , who activated a monitor . The display showed the Alpha Quadrant with clear indication of empires ' borders and major planetary systems . It also showed the places where the phenomena had appeared . It reminded Ekoor of circles on water surface after dropping a pebble . " We don 't know . But the Klingons do . Yesterday , the biggest fissures near Qo ' noS opened and a fleet of aliens emerged from them . They attacked Klingon targets . We know nothing about them . We know nothing about their motives . The Klingons don 't tell us anything and I am not sure they know much more than we do . " Azagoo nodded . " That would be our guess too , Legate . The attack on the station preceded the alien attack on Qo ' noS . We think they wanted to start a war with you , but now they have a bigger problem and would rather no have to fight against two enemies . Especially since it 's their territory that was attacked . They have to defend themselves and even for a Klingon defence has priority over an aggression . " Ekoor was certain that the Klingon attack had not been a rogue operation . No Klingon would do such a thing without someone 's blessing . But now it started to make sense why the Klingons didn 't pursue this course of action . They had their hands busy and they didn 't need another problem with the Cardassians , who had to appear strong after destroying their warships . " You seem to read my mind , Legate , " Azagoo smiled bitterly . " But this is a conversation for another time . " She looked at the display . " The situation would explain why the Klingons ask you for peace . It is up to you if you accept this explanation . " " Legate Ekoor , " Azagoo said , approaching him . " I have been authorised to officially support your position , should you choose not to declare war against the Klingons . The Federation is with you in this matter . " Her tone became softer and quieter . " And I can see that you are not fond of the idea of the war with the Klingons either , Legate . " Brenok left the legate 's office and entered a quiet command centre . Only skeleton crew worked at their stations . He saw Zamarran at the main engineering station . The engineer didn 't work . He just sat there , staring at the floor before him . Brenok wondered what was wrong , so he motioned toward the older man . Zamarran noticed him approaching , so he rose from the chair . " I never told you that , Mommy , but I always felt like something protected me . Like there was a force that made sure nothing ever happened to me . All bad things avoided me , as if a forcefield surrounded me and never let them harm me . I wish I could give you that force , I wish I could build such a forcefield around you and it would protect you . . . " His eyes filled with tears . The time given by Medic Nerot was up . She should have woken up many hours ago ; but she didn 't and there was a huge possibility that she would never wake up . It took him a while before the words - and the voice that spoke them - sank in . His head bobbed up and he looked at his mother . She lay there , her eyes squinted from too bright light , looking at him . She raised her hand to touch his cheek . He grabbed it and squeezed gently . A few moments later the medics surrounded her , scanning her and throwing medical terms at each other . Demok didn 't understand much from what they said . He moved away to give them space and contacted Brenok to let him know that she woke up . Jarol 's eyes wandered from the first man to second one and then to the third one , and then back to the first one . The three of them stood at the feet of her bed , talking simultaneously , each gesturing and trying to draw more of her attention to himself than to the other two . She could barely understand what they were saying . There was something about a Klingon attack on a station , but she wasn 't sure if it was her station , or some other Cardassian station , or a non - Cardassian station , or perhaps a Klingon station . Then Arenn and Laran argued for a moment about some war - one of them was against it and the other one tried to justify it , but concluded that he was glad it wouldn 't happen . Toral - why was Toral here anyway ? - tried to tell her something about the status of Rayak Nor , but she was so confused she didn 't understand much of it . It didn 't matter . Whatever they had to tell her , they could do it again - separately . Right now she enjoyed the show , for they amused her a great deal . It was like listening to children , who blamed one another for some naughty prank . She looked at her son . Laran 's hair was a mess , a mess of greasy wisps , falling on his face as he shook his head arguing with his uncle . He seemed tired , deep shadows inside his eye ridges betrayed a difficult day behind him , but his eyes shone with excitement and joy . Arenn looked no less tired . He spoke fast in his melodic voice , addressing either her or her son , talking about necessities and difficult decisions . Laran only snorted at him . His hand wandered to his cheek , but he didn 't touch it . " Oh , it 's nothing . Just a mild burn . It should be completely gone within days . " " What battle ? " Suddenly both Arenn and Laran silenced and their heads turned to her . All three men stared at her . " What ? " she asked . What did she do that they looked at her like that ? " You three keep talking at the same time . How am I suppose to understand anything ? " she smiled . Why did they look so worried ? Her joke obviously wasn 't funny , but was it that bad ? All three of them looked at the medic , who sat nearby . He raised his hands in defence gesture . " Don 't look at me . I couldn 't understand anything from what you said either and I was - be here and witnessed all those events . . . sirs , " he added after a moment and smiled sheepishly . Brain damage ? Jarol thought . Did they talk about her ? Did those worried looks mean something was wrong with her head ? They acted like a bunch of idiots , they talked simultaneously . . . But she wouldn 't realise if something was wrong with her , would she ? She wouldn 't know that she 's more stupid not , would she ? It 's the world that would appear more complicated and incomprehensible , wouldn 't it ? She looked at the medic panicked . She glanced up to see some helmet - like device . The medic had said she was fine , so she decided to believe in that . She chose to believe in that . She refused to consider the other option . Her question clearly made him uncomfortable . He shifted his weight from one leg to another and uncertainly looked at the medic in the corner . Laran crossed his arms on his chest and looked expectantly at the gul , but - Jarol noted - not without a liking . " I . . . " Toral stammered . " I . . . wanted to make sure you are all right . " Suddenly , he appeared very uncomfortable with all her attention directed only at him . And not only her attention - everyone in the room looked at him , listening to his answer . She didn 't buy his reply for a moment . He could have come , check up on her and leave . Why did he stay and joined the two talking monsters she called family ? " Tell her , or I 'll tell her . " Arenn 's voice sounded menacingly . " What 's going on ? " Jarol worried . There was something they were hiding from her . Toral seemed to want to answer but didn 't . His cheeks filled with air and she was sure they grew hot . He let the air out with a quiet ' pffffff . ' Jarol observed the whole scene and her amusement gradually rose . Arenn , Laran and the medic left the room , leaving Toral - a very nervous Toral - with her . She pulled herself up , trying to ignore the dizziness , and looked at him . He seemed to hesitate for a moment , but then he went to the console and retrieved the object that lay there . A box of Assurian chocolates . He approached the head of her bed and sat on a stool that stood there . " Leg . . . Atira Jarol , " he said . Oh , so this was far from duty matters , this was private . Really private . " You seemed to enjoy this kind of chocolates before , so I brought you some more . " He put them on her lap , not looking into her eyes - they were glued to the box . " You have no idea what kind of talents I harbour . " He frowned . " I have acquired the chocolates , I have brought them and I 'll make you eat them . I hope this is clear . " That was fun ! When was the last time she did that ? Ah yes , before Laran was born , with his father . Did she want to continue ? Did she want to continue with Toral ? He must have noticed her hesitation . " Oh , no ! I managed to gather courage up to this point , there 's no way you can get rid of me now ! " he said , shaking his head . " It took me over twenty years and you on the verge of death . I 'm staying . I 'm arguing . Execute me , because it 's the only way to make yourself free of me now ! " " I have his support , so you can forget about it . " She almost expected him to stuck his tongue out at her . He didn 't but the image in her head made her laugh . Grow fat alone ? Maybe . Old ? Not necessarily , she thought . She decided to test one more thing . " Maybe I should ask a certain archon to rule to execute you and have all chocolates without sharing . " She smiled at him . He had a sneaky face expression , but she knew it was all acting - his narrow eyes laughed . " Toral . . . " She realised she had no idea what his given name was . " What happened when I was here ? Slowly and in one voice . " His face grew serious . " It all started from the explosion in your quarters , " he began . She listened to him . She listened to him telling her how he had abandoned his post upon learning she had been hurt . She listened to him telling her about the Klingon attack and the progress of the battle . He told her about the initial Central Command 's decision to declare war , changed to agreeing to a non - aggression treaty with the Klingons , who had another war on their hands . In the meantime Arenn , Laran and the medic returned ; they didn 't join Toral and let him tell her everything , for which she was grateful . Oh , my ! She actually woke up ! I 'm sure it 'll take some time to determine if there are any other effects from what happened to her , though . . . head injuries require a LONG period of monitoring , to make sure . That " forcefield " . . . oh , my , if anyone ever realized who it was that prayed for Laran 's protection , and who may have even come to pay a visit in that moment ( I could REALLY start to feel his presence in the story and in that moment as he described it ) - - that would be a very , very freaked - out reaction from everyone but Jarol , Brenok , Zamarran , and Aladar ! ( And Taret 's still around too , isn 't he ? ) No doubt that certain someone is praying for everyone 's bodies and spirits to heal . And Toral ! Oh , my . . . he 's being very cute here ! It 's a shame Jarol misjudged him and thought he was weak . I hope she 's going to learn to see that 's not true . Those chocolates may persuade her to reconsider . . . That " forcefield " . . . oh , my , if anyone ever realized who it was that prayed for Laran 's protection , and who may have even come to pay a visit in that moment ( I could REALLY start to feel his presence in the story and in that moment as he described it ) - - that would be a very , very freaked - out reaction from everyone but Jarol , Brenok , Zamarran , and Aladar ! ( And Taret 's still around too , isn 't he ? ) No doubt that certain someone is praying for everyone 's bodies and spirits to heal . Click to expand . . . And Toral ! Oh , my . . . he 's being very cute here ! It 's a shame Jarol misjudged him and thought he was weak . I hope she 's going to learn to see that 's not true . Those chocolates may persuade her to reconsider . . . Click to expand . . . Awww . . . thanks for posting the thread again . It was an honor to be able to write that with you . A lot of blood , sweat , and tears went into it , by both of us . And Toral ! Oh , my . . . he 's being very cute here ! It 's a shame Jarol misjudged him and thought he was weak . I hope she 's going to learn to see that 's not true . Those chocolates may persuade her to reconsider . . . Click to expand . . . So even if she just happened to be in the room , that made it hard for him to speak at all even if he wasn 't addressing her ? He had it BAD , then ! Nerys Ghemor , I planned to post the link to our story after posting this chapter , I just forgot Luckily , there 's never too late for that So even if she just happened to be in the room , that made it hard for him to speak at all even if he wasn 't addressing her ? He had it BAD , then ! Click to expand . . . In such a situation I think he was quieter than usually , though not that that badly not to speak at all . He was just aware that she was there , listening . However , I don 't think that they there were many cases of them being in one room . He 's Brenok 's aide , so usually Brenok was one to do things and if Toral was there , he was " behind " Brenok , just like he was " behind " Jotrel 20 years ago . They sat on a balcony of a small hotel in Torav . Torav was a small town , formerly a fishing village , with a very long history . Jarol had chosen it as the first stop of their trip across Nokarian continent , as the town was one of not so many tourist spots on the northern continent of Cardassia Prime and had a lot to offer . They stayed in a small , family - run hotel , occupying two adjacent rooms . The evening was warm , but the first signs of the humid season were obvious - especially on Laran 's body , as he wore a few layers of clothes . It was colder than in Lakat this time of the year and it would get even colder within the month they planned to spend travelling . She hoped he finally believed her that she hadn 't been overreacting when she had told him to take a lot of warm clothes . " What ? You taught me that war was the worst solution , you taught me that fighting was not an answer to anything , you taught me that one could never make peace through a fight ! You taught me that ! " " No , he doesn 't ! He had told me that war was a bad choice , that we would lose it and he still wanted it ! This was disgusting ! " " Now listen , Laran . " Her tone of voice became a bit sharper and chastising . " Uncle Arenn is not any more fond of war than you or me . He did not want it . But sometimes there is no other choice . It was not a matter what he wanted , it was a matter what had to be done . " " I disagree . ' No choice ' is a convenient excuse to do a lot of bad things . Fighting is wrong . War doesn 't bring peace . War is always wrong . " " Were they right killing your children ? " He didn 't finish the sentence yet when his face expression changed . She knew he regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth . " I 'm sorry , Mom . I 'm so sorry . I didn 't mean it . " " I know , " she said softly ; although his brutal words hurt her very much . " Uncle Arenn made a difficult decision . It was the best option from the bad choices . Sometimes you cannot choose a good solution , because you are given only bad solutions . You have to choose the least bad one . I would make the same decision , if I were in his shoes . " He didn 't say anything . He reached for his glass of juice and sipped on it . She observed him . When did he stop being a child and start being a man ? She 'd love to hug him and never let go , but she knew it would only make him protest ' ohhhhh , mooooooom . ' She smiled at her thoughts . She liked when he wanted to listen to the stories about the family he never knew . She was glad she could share them with him . She felt it united both of her families into one . " Let me think . . . " She put her index finger to her lips and thought for a while . " There was that day , shortly after Corat was born , when Mayel asked what we needed another baby for and if there was something wrong with her . . . " " I wish I had siblings , " Laran said very quietly after she finished . She didn 't know what to say - she never knew he felt that way - but he spared her answering . He said , " Where do we go tomorrow ? " His tone was cheerful but she could read him well - it wasn 't completely genuine . The longing not to be the only child - a rarity on Cardassia , even after the terrible , destructive war - was deeply rooted inside his soul . " I was thinking about two options , " she said . " One : tunnels under the desert where food used to be stored . Two : the remains of the small fishing village ; they used to produce the best fish juice in the prefecture . . . about two hundred years ago . " She smiled . She liked talking about old Nokarian customs . Most of them were not practised any longer , but she made sure they wouldn 't be forgotten . For the last fifteen years she actively participated in the society for saving Nokarian culture and it made her very happy that her son , who was half - Nokarian but was raised in Lakat and identified with Lakatian culture , showed so much interest in her cultural heritage . He didn 't say a word in Lakatian language since they had started their trip , even though it was obvious that sometimes he struggled with Nokarian . He was fluent but not that fluent and she appreciated his efforts . Even if people - seeing his not so sharply slanted eye ridges typical for a full - blooded Nokarian - talked to him in Unionese , he kept answering in Nokarian . They sat on the balcony until late night hours and talked ; or rather she talked and he occasionally asked a question . She wanted to stop the time , to stay in this town forever , to never worry about crew rosters , schedules , repairs or the Klingons . To breath real , not replicated and filtered air ; to eat real food , not rations or replicated copies ; to wear comfortable shirts and trousers , not heavy and hard armour . She knew a life like this would eventually drive her crazy but for now she enjoyed every moment of it , especially since Laran was with her . She would have gone on that trip anyway , but with him it was so much more precious and memorable . She could share her knowledge , she could show him things , she could be with him . Rayak Nor Zamarran was nervous and very unhappy . Gul Brenok had left him in command of the station and the engineer was certain that it was a huge mistake . He was an engineer , a man to fix broken equipment or to design a new piece of technology , not someone to give orders and administer a station . Peace or no peace , this was a strategic command . " Pleased to meet you , " the man replied . His hair was completely white and his face was covered with wrinkles . He must be at least one hundred fifty , Zamarran thought . " I am not sure you know Captain Ronus . " And I should have known , he chastised himself . The Trill extended his hand in a human gesture of welcome and the human man grabbed it and shook . " We talked through the comm , " Ronus said . " Welcome . " " Your station sure is big , " Pertello said , looking around walls and the ceiling . Then he looked at Zamarran . " I hope I 'll get some city plan for it before you let me loose . " Zamarran 's first instinct was to tell the commander that he wouldn 't be allowed into more than a half of the station anyway , but he realised in time that the man joked . " I 'll see what I can do , " he said , trying to force a polite smile and not sure if he succeeded . " Captain Ronus volunteered to show you to your quarters . " Again , Zamarran stopped himself before saying that Pertello wouldn 't be allowed into many sections . " I can arrange that . I would gladly answer your questions . " That , at least , was the truth . If anything , Zamarran felt safe talking about his work and engineering matters . Pertello waved his hand . " Oh , it 's just a hobby . And I find Cardassian architecture fascinating . " he smiled to Zamarran . " I think this place is beautiful . All those curves , ovals . . . so elegant , so graceful . " The gul returned to the command centre and took his place at the main engineering console . He rarely used Legate Jarol 's office . He was telling himself it was her place and he was only temporarily taking over her duties , while she was recuperating and gathering strength on her extended shore leave , but it still felt somehow wrong . He wished her well and was far from claiming that she didn 't deserve that time far from the station and duty , but he couldn 't wait for her to return and take care of all those things he was so sure he was doing wrong . He was glad that Borad seemed to know what he was doing . Zamarran could clearly see hope and expectation in her face , but he wasn 't sure it was a good idea . The station still was a dangerous place . Even if it lost most of its strategic meaning recently , it could become a target of another sneak attack . The quadrant was full of unfriendly aliens . " Kapoor , I hate to make this decision , " he admitted . " Can 't you wait for Jarol to return ? It 's only a month . " " Would Jarol agree to this ? " Kapoor 's face had a mischievous expression and Zamarran hated to ruin her little ' trap . ' " No , she wouldn 't . She lost her children when they visited her on a station . " Kapoor became serious . " You 're right . " She paused . " But this is different . I wouldn 't risk my children 's lives if I believed there was a reason to worry . " " I know that . But as far as I know , he looks for a way the assassin left the station . He is almost sure that person is not here any longer . " He knew he acted like someone who had to take care of someone else 's precious vase and he assigned a separate room for that vase , letting no one in . He was afraid his wrong decision would bring a lot of harm . The station seemed to be safe but he would hate to be responsible for any bad thing that could happen to young Karamas . His friend wouldn 't forgive him and Jarol wouldn 't forgive him , either . The whole village was considered a museum of some sort , so it was surrounded by a fence with one single entrance . There was no charge to sightsee the place , though , unless someone wanted a tour with a guide . To enter , they had to pass through a gate and a booth , where they received a guide - book with descriptions and were asked if they wanted a guide . Jarol shook her head and was just about to proceed when the woman behind the counter shyly asked , " Aren 't you Legate Jarol ? " Demok looked at his mother , who only smiled . It wasn 't the first time they heard that question and each time Jarol tried to avoid answering . The sub - archon looked at the woman . " Why don 't you sell tickets ? It would help you to support this place . " " The society , as any other cultural society , gets some leks from the government . They can later pass it to the most needing cultural objects or projects . The Nokarian society gives subventions to some objects under a specific condition . They get money , so they are not allowed to charge the public for visiting . " Cottages were mostly light brown to dark brown . Oval windows looked out toward the sea . Demok noticed that from the northern side there were no windows or doors at all , only smooth walls . Intrigued , he opened the guide - book to see if there would be any information why it was like that . As it occurred , in wintertime the winds from north were so strong and so cold that not to let the cold air enter the houses , they had to have all openings face other sides of the world . The cottages closest to the sea stood on poles . Again , Demok consulted the guide - book and read that it was to protect the houses from high tides . The poles were tall enough for water not to reach the houses in its highest level . Retractable stairs led to the entrances when the tide was low . During a high tide , people used small boats to move around . There was a row of small fishing boats , each with information when it was built and how . The first one was three hundred years old , the next one was fifty years ' newer ; ' the last one of the seven was dated in late 2350s . Barely fifty years ago . They were different one from another , but Demok could clearly see that the general principle was still the same : a single piece of wood made the hull , any other additional - and in some cases very primitive - equipment was a combination of wood and metal . The guide - book claimed that each of those boats , even the oldest one , could still float on water and wouldn 't sink . " Mom , why is Nokar called ' the farmland ? ' From what I know it 's mostly a dry desert . It seems that the fishing business could have been quite significant here , but a farmland ? " " Nokar wasn 't always a desert , Droplet . After the Great Shift it was still quite green and produced most food of all Cardassian continents . The problems started recently , in the last century . The air became drier , the dry season longer and many draughts changed fertile fields into deserts . Only fishing villages and towns managed to keep up with a high demand for food . The farms are a history . . . " She smiled . " But for some reason people keep calling Nokar the ' farmland . ' I don 't know why . " " We had two orchards . One bore fruit during the dry season and the other one during the humid season . The problems started in late twenty - three forties . The dry season orchard , with fop , died . Even for the fop it was too dry . My dad told me stories of how whole family helped to water the trees but it was never enough . Within two years the orchard was a cemetery of trees . The humid season orchard , with goplu , was a bit luckier . It dried too , though , when I was a little girl . Humid seasons were not humid enough , the rain got bad , too toxic for delicate fruit trees , and all that combined killed the plants . " " I don 't know . Probably nothing . Dad sold the land when he moved to Lakat to live with us . The new owners most likely destroyed the old house and build there a new one . Or something else . I don 't know . " " Because I want to remember it how it used to be . As my home . I don 't want to know how unlike my home it is now . " " I think I understand , " he said . He regretted her decision , as he hoped to see the place where she had grown up and where he - and his - family came from , but he respected it . He guessed that she didn 't want her memories be polluted by the reality and strange people who owned the land now . He knew that if he told her that he wished to see that former farm , she would go to show him , but he didn 't want to do anything that could hurt her . This trip was supposed to be a healing trip , not bringing - what 's - lost trip . A small box appeared in front of her . It was wrapped in a silver paper and had a red bow . It was the third time that it happened and they both already knew what was inside and who beamed it in . Demok loved the smile on her face . He remembered that the first time she had seen that mysterious box materialising in front of her , she was startled . After being bombed one could grow wary of strange objects , especially boxes appearing from nowhere . However , upon closer study of the box she saw a card written in Toral 's handwriting that read ' The next step to grow fat , ' and it convinced her it wasn 't anything dangerous . Since then , each time Toral 's ship was close enough to Cardassia Prime , he beamed a box with one Assurian chocolate . A big one . Demok 's mother seemed to enjoy each next one more than the previous one and the sub - archon was sure it weren 't the chocolates that she liked and that brought a smile to her face . They finished their juice . Awwwwwww , Toral 's " chocolate bombings " are ADORABLE ! I understand Jarol 's feelings about seeing an old home . I made that mistake once and went along with my parents on a trip to a house where we 'd lived over a decade before . The various tenants through the years had not taken care of the place and the whole town just looked run down and made me want to cry . Finally , about Jarol . . . it 's good that she does not want to overdo her influence on her son . When she doesn 't pay attention , or doesn 't care to , she can be very overbearing . So it 's good to see that perhaps Archon Colissa 's assessment wasn 't quite right - - or is becoming less so . The situation is still quite uncertain but soon something more would be known . For now , Zamarran seems to be afraid the make any decisions Finally , about Jarol . . . it 's good that she does not want to overdo her influence on her son . When she doesn 't pay attention , or doesn 't care to , she can be very overbearing . So it 's good to see that perhaps Archon Colissa 's assessment wasn 't quite right - - or is becoming less so . Click to expand . . . As for that particular decision , though , I understand why . That involves the lives of civilians , and specifically the children of someone I think by now is a friend of his . And after what happened to Jarol 's children , I think he has good reason to be sensitive about that . Especially with spatial anomalies ( which damaged Dorak 's ship ) and angry Klingons in the neighborhood . Demok thought that New Bavosal could be a place where the best artists on Cardassia could live . The city was like a walk through a stylish palace . The city resembled a holoprojection : it was clean , regular and new . Perfect . Bushes in parks were trimmed to resemble the local fauna , including birds and small mammals that lived in these parks . The town was built around a small lake that made a central point of the park in the middle of New Bavosal . The lake and the park themselves were a kind of nature sanctuary . Clean streets , many for only pedestrian traffic , seemed to be designed to resemble different architectonic styles . Demok and his mother had spent the first two days merely walking in the central park and on pedestrian streets . They had bought of lot of useless objects , mostly knick - knacks , from countless stalls that occupied the narrow lanes . On the third day they decided to visit what was left of Bavosal - the original town , next to which New Bavosal has been built . There was very little left . Most of the remains of the older town were removed due to respect for those whose bodies were buried under the rubble , but there were a few buildings left - as a genuine monument to the place that so many people had called home . It was not allowed to approach the ruins closely for the safety reasons - they were surrounded by an energetic barrier - but the open - air museum was arranged to let visitors enter a hollow circle between the buildings , where a monument stood . The monument was a single and a very tall concrete beam . Demok 's first thought was that it didn 't look impressive at all , but he changed his mind when he moved closer . He realised that there was something written on it . Names . Hundreds of names . Thousands of names . After a moment he realised that those were the names of the people who used to live here , in Bavosal , and died here . " Mom ? " he asked worried . " Are you all right ? " Medic Nerot had warned him she might feel dizzy sometimes . The sub - archon crouched next to her . " Mom ? " She raised her head and he saw tears pooling in her eye ridges . " We should have done something . . . " she said quietly . " We should have done something earlier . We shouldn 't have allowed for this to happen . . . " He sat next to her . " Mom , you did what you had to . It doesn 't matter when you would turn against them , because that Founder would have ordered to murder us all anyway . You did what you had to do . Her evil intent is not your fault and not your responsibility . " She looked at him , trying to muffle her sobs . " Mom , you risked your life for free Cardassia , you risked our lives for Cardassia and that was the right thing to do . " " Mommy , you did the best you could . No one could foresee this . No one could have thought that anyone in his or her mind would order something like that . You couldn 't have known that Changelings have no conscience . " He took her hands into his . - When did they become bigger than hers ? - He looked around to see if they drew attention , but those few visitors didn 't seem to stare . He saw a young girl realising what the writings on the monument meant and covering her mouth with one hand and wiping her tears with the other . His mother 's reaction probably wasn 't anything unique , new , or rare . He regretted that they came here . He wanted to see the new town and the open - air museum , but now he regretted he had had this idea . He now promised himself not to take her to any places that would remind her of that war and the final days of it . He would never do that to Uncle Arenn , so why had he thought that he could bring her here ? Because all of her family wasn 't killed ? His father was , isn 't that enough ? Both his parents - yes , he considered Uncle Arenn his parent - had told him lots and lots of stories when he was growing up , but there were very few from the Dominion War and - in Jarol 's case - from the Border Wars . She never said anything about her time on Terok Nor , too , now called Deep Space Nine by the Federation . Now he understood better than ever why - those memories were too painful , too terrible to share with anyone , especially one 's child . They hadn 't hidden anything when he had asked questions , and he had had many questions after each history lesson , but they also had never volunteered to share details about what they had experienced back then . " Come on , " he said , raising . " Let 's go back to New Bavosal . " He hoped another walk in the park by the lake would cheer her up . She enjoyed observing small mammalian creatures that apparently lived in the lake . They seemed to build their homes under the water level , but clearly breathed the air . One could buy food for them at the nearby stall and lure them closer , offering something they liked . It didn 't escape Demok 's attention that the animals were always in pairs , even when they came for the food . Were they siblings , mates or just ' friends ' - he couldn 't tell , but he found it adorable . Brenok informed the guard in the lobby whom he was going to visit and entered the lift . It took him to the third floor , where he left it to quite a big entrance hall with a hoverchair parked in a corner . He chimed and waited for a moment before the door opened . A tall and big man stood in it ; a serious expression on his face was replaced by a friendly smile as soon as he saw who was the visitor . " Gul Brenok , please come in , " he said , moving aside . " He 's waiting . He hasn 't been talking about anything else for the whole day . Next time please come for breakfast - that way we 'd have to listen to that only through the morning . " " All right , writing and then calling either me or Temar to read it . That way or another - we can 't do anything because he draws all the attention . He interrupts us all the time ! " " Of course I hate it ! " The man grinned too . Brenok knew that all that nagging was a most wonderful gift to him , not in the least annoying . Having his brother back after twenty - five years - after being told that he had died , no less - was nothing less than a miracle . " I have a lot of work today . " The big Cardassian shot Brenok a glance . " Did you ever try to ignore him ? " Brenok shook his head . " I don 't advise it . The price would be high . " They entered the day room . There were too men inside . One standing by a window and referring what he was seeing outside , and the other one on a special chair with an extended seat on which one could lie stretched legs and assume a half - sitting , half - laying position . Brenok went to the man in the chair . " Tolkar , I hear that you have been naughty . " Tolkar Saratt grinned and nodded his head . The man was in a terrible physical condition as a result of unbelievably cruel Obsidian Order experiment , but his spirit did not give up and he seemed to enjoy every moment of his life , regardless of limitations : he could not walk , he could not speak and his hands ' movements were limited . Brenok knew that he had worse days , but he never witnessed any . His older brother , Tabar , had told Brenok that the gul 's visits always improved Tolkar 's mood . Saratt shook his head and grabbed a big padd that Brenok had built for him over two years earlier . The padd allowed his not fully functional hands to write intelligible words with a special stylus ; a typical Cardassian padd would be too small and too bulky for that purpose . Brenok had based this design on Federation padds . Tolkar Saratt was a painter . He was unable to paint any longer , as his fingers were incomplete and he wasn 't able to firmly hold a brush , not even mentioning that his arms were too weak and too unstable to let him paint , but even when he drew something simple on the padd - as he did now - it was obvious that the man had a gift . Brenok had seen his paintings , he owned two of them , and he regretted that this talent wouldn 't produce any more art . Brenok smiled . " You are becoming an ocean specialist . " The youngest brother was such a specialist and it seemed like he shared his knowledge and passion with his siblings . " Which reminds me ! " Brenok rose and returned to the corridor where he had left a package he had brought with him . He took it to the kitchen . In spite of the oldest Saratt 's words , Brenok knew that he had to . They had invited him and he would eat their food from their rations . It would be rude not to share something to fill the void and let them save some rations on something else . Fruits were always a good idea and there were very few Cardassians that didn 't like a ripe and juicy fop . " So what happened that you had to postpone your visit ? " Temar Saratt asked Brenok . The gul was supposed to visit them a week earlier , but these plans had to be changed . " Old age and , I think , he was unwell for a long time . " Brenok paused and put away his spoon . " He had no one . He lost his whole family in the Dominion attack , so we had to take care of him and his mourning ceremony . " He paused again . " They say he didn 't say a word since the attack , since all whom he loved were killed . " Brenok thought that he was so close to the same fate - lonely , quiet , unhappy . . . " That 's so sad , " Tabar Saratt said . Brenok knew Tabar 's wife and both of his children died that day too . There wasn 't one Lakarian that hadn 't lost someone that terrible day . There wasn 't one Cardassian that hadn 't lost someone that terrible day . However , some of them had lost everyone that day and there was no worse fate for a Cardassian than to be family - less . " I could have been him . . . " Brenok whispered in spite of himself . He didn 't want this dinner to be a sad event , but he couldn 't stop talking . " I could have stopped talking , singing and impatiently wait for the death to come and finally take me . " ' But you aren 't . ' Tolkar Saratt was equipped with a kind of stick , which he used to ' speak . ' Even the knocking the characters of the flash code , which he used for communication , sounded softer now . " Why not ? " Temar asked . Brenok looked at him . The youngest Saratt had a gentle expression on his face , encouraging the gul to answer to the question , to find out - to realise - what had made it different for him . He thought for a moment . " Because I wasn 't alone , " he said at length . " I had no family , but I still had my friends . " He thought of Atira and her support , in spite of the fact that she had needed some too ; she had lost her husband in that war and had been expecting a baby . He thought of Latana - an Oralian orphan who had showed him that he 'd been still needed by someone . And of Laran who had been born shortly after the war and the presence of that little , troublesome boy had brought first happy smiles to Brenok 's face . They became his family . He was not family - less any longer . " Atira was there for me . And Latana and her friends . And Laran . I never stopped missing my little girl , but he was and still is a precious treasure in my life . " Tabar smiled . " That fact that you have another child - even if technically he is not yours - doesn 't mean you stop loving the older one . " Brenok looked at the oldest Saratt . " You don 't have to feel guilty that Laran was making you happy , even though you still mourned Tasara . Loving a new child doesn 't cancel loving the older one . " Brenok smiled . He appreciated the change of mood to something brighter . " Administrator Saratt , the gofut is almost as good as my wife 's . " He put a full spoon of gofut into his mouth . She grabbed his hand a pulled him deeper into the apartment . Inaya , his sister - in - law , stood in the door to the day room . " Welcome back , " she said smiling . " We expected you several hours ago . " " Here . " Tavor turned to look at his older brother , who had just left the kitchen , wiping his hands in a cloth . " How long will you stay ? " " Tarin ? " Tavor leaned over to have a better look at his seven years old son . The boy moved to avoid being seen . " Tarin , come here . " Tavor 's voice was soft but had a commanding tone . He stretched his hand toward the child . " Come and tell me . " " Dad , it 's because of me . " Chumi wrapped her arms around her father 's shoulders from behind and leaned her head on the back of his . " He meant well . " Suddenly , the boy 's demeanour changed . Fire burnt in his eyes as he looked at his father . " That idiot shouldn 't have said those things ! He asked for it . No stupid moron will make my sister cry ! He got what he deserved ! " Tavor sighed . " I 'm very happy that all got what they deserved . Now , again and from the beginning . What happened last week . And why Chumi cried ? " He turned his head to look at his daughter . " There 's that boy , " she said . " And he liked me , but I don 't like him . He 's a bully . And he said that I was so pretty and so special , but I don 't like him . And then he started to call me names . " " I 'd rather not repeat . Those were ugly and dirty words . Tarin heard that and rammed him and . . . well . . . got smashed on the wall . " " You fought at school ? " Tavor sent his son a look full of astonishment . " Why didn 't you tell someone that he called your sister names ? Why did you attack him ? A boy almost twice your age ! " Tavor was speechless for a long moment . How come his young son knew such a word as ' fogar ? ' The glinn wasn 't happy that his child knew such a pejorative and full of contempt term , which denoted a person who sneaked upon his or her neighbours and family to turn them in to the Obsidian Order , and that he used it . " Tariiiiiiin . " Tavor let out a long sigh . " First , don 't use words like this . Say ' I don 't tell on other children ' instead . Second , you can 't fix things this way . This is not right . " " You also will not fight at school . Regardless of others ' wrong behaviour . You will tell your teachers and your uncle and those naughty children will be dealt with . You do not deal with this yourself ! " Tavor observed his son for a long moment , giving him time to think about his behaviour and his father 's words . The glinn glanced at Inaya . " Was he punished ? " Tarin raised his head and Tavor saw tears shining in his eyes . It almost broke his heart . The boy jumped from the chair and ran around the table to his father with his arms stretched toward him . " I 'm sorry , Daddy ! " " I know . " He knew that Tarin hadn 't apologised for fighting , or for ' protecting ' his sister . He had apologised for disappointing his father and for making him angry . Tavor hoped that some day his son would understand why his behaviour was wrong . Akot , Eheen , Cardassia Prime Ya ' val smiled , seeing Ma ' Kan approaching the table . He hadn 't seen her for too long . The last several times that the Damar had been near Cardassia Prime for them to meet , she had been ' on the hunt , ' as she called her missions . This time they were luckier and the schedules of both of them allowed them to steal a few hours and have a dinner together . She had changed since the time she had left the military almost three years earlier . After the mission , during which they had found an old Obsidian Order experimental vessel and had witnessed terrible tortures two Cardassians were submitted to , she had decided to dedicate her life to hunting down former Obsidian Order agents that were still in hiding and didn 't pay for their crimes yet . She had a few successes on her account . " Zerin , you gained weight , " she said instead of a greeting . She laughed . " All right , you did not . " She sat . " Did you take a look at their offer ? " she asked , pointing to a dish list padd . " You will gain weight , then . " She seemed to be in a good mood . He smiled . " You look nice . I mean , really , really nice , " he said . She gave him an attentive look and studied his face . " Thanks , " she replied eventually . " I grew my hair a bit longer . Now it doesn 't interfere with my duties . " She winked . It wasn 't only her hair , it was everything about her . Without heavy armour and easy - to - make hairdo replaced by a much more elaborate one , she looked more womanly than he had ever seen before . An idea popped in his head . " Is there someone ? " he asked . They started to choose and mark desired dishes . The dish list padd sent their requests to the chef and they waited for their food to be brought to them . They talked about her latest assignment and about his service aboard the Damar . She asked how were the others - the officers she knew and with whom she had served for twenty years - and returned Ya ' val 's question about meeting someone special . Those infrequent get togethers were an extension of gatherings that they used to have with Gil Sabal , their friend who had been murdered by a mad Efrosian three years earlier . They rarely talked about Sabal ; Ya ' val knew that Ma ' Kan had been shattered by the gil 's death and he didn 't want to bring the sad subject . When they talked about him , they both choose only happy memories . " Of course I hate it ! " Oh , I could see the happy grin Tabar Saratt said that with . And the ol ' rot on the door - - good job , Tolkar and Minion ! ! ! You teach your brother that ignoring is futile ! And is Ma ' Kan going to get Garak ? GET HIM ! He was in the Orias system ; he is guilty ! Your Garak deserves death . Painful , nasty , slow death . |
The Federation - Klingon alliance has to end . They have to see what their " allies " really are : cold - blooded murderers . Where Brenok has hope is in appealing to the Federation 's people . That 's one thing about democracy : if he can get the people angry enough , outraged enough , they 'll force their government into action . ( And Ronus ' remark about " eating ME " was hilarious ! Why Jadzia Dax wasn 't totally grossed out , I have no idea ! I mean . . . yuck . It DOES seem like it would be Trill cannibalism ! ) Brenok is now a full - grown cat . Still cute , but don 't try to put him in his carrier and take him to the vet . ( But he NEEDS to go to the vet ; he really does . This new symptom is very worrisome . It also makes me think of what will happen as my Gul Berat gets older . ) Ronus . . . oh , boy . He has bad timing . That was the worst time for him to have that conversation with Laran . If he wanted to actually make a point and be listened to , doing it while Jarol was laying on a biobed either dying or facing the prospect of serious brain damage was not the time to do it . He was right , and I think that if Laran is ever going to be a successful archon , he will have to face the fact that Ronus WAS right . He will have to face the fact that if ever his mother is put in a tribunal , he will have to recuse himself as archon , that he cannot and must not abuse the law in any way to protect her . ( Though he could be her " lawyer , " because a lawyer is someone who takes sides , by definition . ) He does at least know the truth deep down , and so far , so far , he does not strike me as arrogant . In some ways , I like the fact that he allows himself to be afraid and confused when it 's the time for those emotions . He 's not wearing a mask , so that means he hasn 't sealed himself off the way Gul Dukat did and Jarol is in danger of doing . ( As for a potential sentence for Jarol . . . I think , sadly , that the injuries she has just suffered may force the sentence that she requires , that is not death : loss of power , prestige , and position . But I would not make it a merciless sentence , though . I would not want her symptoms to be severe - - just disqualifying as far as military service goes . I would send Laran back to Cardassia Prime where he could be there , and she could have family with her : her parents and her son both . The best part of her is the " family member " part . . . taking the rest , and leaving her in a position where she could enjoy that part would help , I think , to repair and redeem her . ) ( And Ronus ' remark about " eating ME " was hilarious ! Why Jadzia Dax wasn 't totally grossed out , I have no idea ! I mean . . . yuck . It DOES seem like it would be Trill cannibalism ! ) Click to expand . . . Brenok is now a full - grown cat . Still cute , but don 't try to put him in his carrier and take him to the vet . ( But he NEEDS to go to the vet ; he really does . This new symptom is very worrisome . It also makes me think of what will happen as my Gul Berat gets older . ) Click to expand . . . Oh , yes . It remind me of my Beanie and how he behaves at a vet . Oh , my , they have a huge warning in his medical record : red letters CAT BITES , and no one believes me that he is the sweetest furry being on Earth Nerys Ghemor said : Ronus . . . oh , boy . He has bad timing . That was the worst time for him to have that conversation with Laran . If he wanted to actually make a point and be listened to , doing it while Jarol was laying on a biobed either dying or facing the prospect of serious brain damage was not the time to do it . Click to expand . . . ( And Ronus ' remark about " eating ME " was hilarious ! Why Jadzia Dax wasn 't totally grossed out , I have no idea ! I mean . . . yuck . It DOES seem like it would be Trill cannibalism ! ) Click to expand . . . I wonder if it was part of Jadzia / Curzon 's little " rebellion against all rules . " But as you know , I am not a fan of Jadzia . . . and her Klingon infatuation ( which was in part Curzon 's personality taking her over ) did NOT make it better . I could understand liking Worf , but Klingon culture ? No . I couldn 't help but see it . . . especially when he got all flustered and started saying , in his unusual way , " I be so sorry ! " It 's soooo difficult to write his " funny grammar " though . I have to go back to each sentence and " fix " it Click to expand . . . Oh , yes . It remind me of my Beanie and how he behaves at a vet . Oh , my , they have a huge warning in his medical record : red letters CAT BITES , and no one believes me that he is the sweetest furry being on Earth Click to expand . . . I wonder if it was part of Jadzia / Curzon 's little " rebellion against all rules . " But as you know , I am not a fan of Jadzia . . . and her Klingon infatuation ( which was in part Curzon 's personality taking her over ) did NOT make it better . I could understand liking Worf , but Klingon culture ? No . Click to expand . . . Asu couldn 't be further from Jadzia 's and Curson 's personality , could he ? He 's just not like that . Not a party boy , not a Klingon culture lover , certainly not a fan of their cuisine Nerys Ghemor said : Legate Ekoor rubbed his tired eyes . This was not what he imagined his office term would look like . He looked at the padd that contained the document again . He didn 't want to send it , he had been postponing it for over an hour already . Maybe he could do it tomorrow ? Maybe a miracle would happen and he wouldn 't have to send it at all ? Or maybe it was just a bad dream . A comm interrupted his reverie . He pressed the button . " What is it ? " Was Glinn Forles still on duty ? Why didn 't he go home yet ? Ekoor 's terminal was isolated from the common database . He stored too many important and top secret documents there to risk any unauthorised access . Every connection had to be controlled and secured . And temporary . " It was brought to my attention that a Cardassian station on the edge of the Cardassian territory had been attacked by a small Klingon force earlier today . Please be assured this was a rogue operation and not in any way endorsed by the Klingon High Council . If the captain hadn 't died at the hands of your brave warriors , he would be executed for this foolish and cowardly act . " We also hope that this will not provoke any undesired consequences . We do not seek war with you . The Klingon Empire does not see any gain in a conflict with the Cardassian Union . We hope this unauthorised action can be ignored . " Forles ! " he called his aide . The glinn was in his office within seconds . " There are a few things I need you to do . First , contact the Federation ambassador . Second , wake up everyone ; this is not time to sleep . Third . . . " Ekoor didn 't feel tired . He didn 't have the luxury to let such feelings overwhelm him . He entered the office that had been occupied by the legate responsible for interstellar affairs and looked expectantly at two people present : Legate Gortan and Federation Ambassador Azagoo . She nodded . " Indeed . " She paused , thinking for a while . " You wanted to know if the Federation would have any idea why the Klingons attacked and why now they ask for ignoring that attack . " She pursed her lips . " We know nothing . The Klingons don 't share this kind of information with us and their ambassador was not forthcoming with information . " " Please remember this is an unofficial information . You cannot use it for any kind of official statements or even in your news broadcasts . This is between us , the Federation and Cardassia . The Federation doesn 't want another war in the quadrant , even if we wouldn 't be involved . " She paused again . " Several weeks ago we detected a strange space anomaly . A kind of subspace fissure . The phenomenon re - appeared several times , each time stronger . The analysis showed that there was a pattern . A circle pattern with the centre in the Klingon territory near Qo ' noS . The fissures there were the biggest , lasted longest and were most clear . The further from the centre , the less significant the fissures were . " She nodded to Gortan , who activated a monitor . The display showed the Alpha Quadrant with clear indication of empires ' borders and major planetary systems . It also showed the places where the phenomena had appeared . It reminded Ekoor of circles on water surface after dropping a pebble . " We don 't know . But the Klingons do . Yesterday , the biggest fissures near Qo ' noS opened and a fleet of aliens emerged from them . They attacked Klingon targets . We know nothing about them . We know nothing about their motives . The Klingons don 't tell us anything and I am not sure they know much more than we do . " Azagoo nodded . " That would be our guess too , Legate . The attack on the station preceded the alien attack on Qo ' noS . We think they wanted to start a war with you , but now they have a bigger problem and would rather no have to fight against two enemies . Especially since it 's their territory that was attacked . They have to defend themselves and even for a Klingon defence has priority over an aggression . " Ekoor was certain that the Klingon attack had not been a rogue operation . No Klingon would do such a thing without someone 's blessing . But now it started to make sense why the Klingons didn 't pursue this course of action . They had their hands busy and they didn 't need another problem with the Cardassians , who had to appear strong after destroying their warships . " You seem to read my mind , Legate , " Azagoo smiled bitterly . " But this is a conversation for another time . " She looked at the display . " The situation would explain why the Klingons ask you for peace . It is up to you if you accept this explanation . " " Legate Ekoor , " Azagoo said , approaching him . " I have been authorised to officially support your position , should you choose not to declare war against the Klingons . The Federation is with you in this matter . " Her tone became softer and quieter . " And I can see that you are not fond of the idea of the war with the Klingons either , Legate . " Brenok left the legate 's office and entered a quiet command centre . Only skeleton crew worked at their stations . He saw Zamarran at the main engineering station . The engineer didn 't work . He just sat there , staring at the floor before him . Brenok wondered what was wrong , so he motioned toward the older man . Zamarran noticed him approaching , so he rose from the chair . " I never told you that , Mommy , but I always felt like something protected me . Like there was a force that made sure nothing ever happened to me . All bad things avoided me , as if a forcefield surrounded me and never let them harm me . I wish I could give you that force , I wish I could build such a forcefield around you and it would protect you . . . " His eyes filled with tears . The time given by Medic Nerot was up . She should have woken up many hours ago ; but she didn 't and there was a huge possibility that she would never wake up . It took him a while before the words - and the voice that spoke them - sank in . His head bobbed up and he looked at his mother . She lay there , her eyes squinted from too bright light , looking at him . She raised her hand to touch his cheek . He grabbed it and squeezed gently . A few moments later the medics surrounded her , scanning her and throwing medical terms at each other . Demok didn 't understand much from what they said . He moved away to give them space and contacted Brenok to let him know that she woke up . Jarol 's eyes wandered from the first man to second one and then to the third one , and then back to the first one . The three of them stood at the feet of her bed , talking simultaneously , each gesturing and trying to draw more of her attention to himself than to the other two . She could barely understand what they were saying . There was something about a Klingon attack on a station , but she wasn 't sure if it was her station , or some other Cardassian station , or a non - Cardassian station , or perhaps a Klingon station . Then Arenn and Laran argued for a moment about some war - one of them was against it and the other one tried to justify it , but concluded that he was glad it wouldn 't happen . Toral - why was Toral here anyway ? - tried to tell her something about the status of Rayak Nor , but she was so confused she didn 't understand much of it . It didn 't matter . Whatever they had to tell her , they could do it again - separately . Right now she enjoyed the show , for they amused her a great deal . It was like listening to children , who blamed one another for some naughty prank . She looked at her son . Laran 's hair was a mess , a mess of greasy wisps , falling on his face as he shook his head arguing with his uncle . He seemed tired , deep shadows inside his eye ridges betrayed a difficult day behind him , but his eyes shone with excitement and joy . Arenn looked no less tired . He spoke fast in his melodic voice , addressing either her or her son , talking about necessities and difficult decisions . Laran only snorted at him . His hand wandered to his cheek , but he didn 't touch it . " Oh , it 's nothing . Just a mild burn . It should be completely gone within days . " " What battle ? " Suddenly both Arenn and Laran silenced and their heads turned to her . All three men stared at her . " What ? " she asked . What did she do that they looked at her like that ? " You three keep talking at the same time . How am I suppose to understand anything ? " she smiled . Why did they look so worried ? Her joke obviously wasn 't funny , but was it that bad ? All three of them looked at the medic , who sat nearby . He raised his hands in defence gesture . " Don 't look at me . I couldn 't understand anything from what you said either and I was - be here and witnessed all those events . . . sirs , " he added after a moment and smiled sheepishly . Brain damage ? Jarol thought . Did they talk about her ? Did those worried looks mean something was wrong with her head ? They acted like a bunch of idiots , they talked simultaneously . . . But she wouldn 't realise if something was wrong with her , would she ? She wouldn 't know that she 's more stupid not , would she ? It 's the world that would appear more complicated and incomprehensible , wouldn 't it ? She looked at the medic panicked . She glanced up to see some helmet - like device . The medic had said she was fine , so she decided to believe in that . She chose to believe in that . She refused to consider the other option . Her question clearly made him uncomfortable . He shifted his weight from one leg to another and uncertainly looked at the medic in the corner . Laran crossed his arms on his chest and looked expectantly at the gul , but - Jarol noted - not without a liking . " I . . . " Toral stammered . " I . . . wanted to make sure you are all right . " Suddenly , he appeared very uncomfortable with all her attention directed only at him . And not only her attention - everyone in the room looked at him , listening to his answer . She didn 't buy his reply for a moment . He could have come , check up on her and leave . Why did he stay and joined the two talking monsters she called family ? " Tell her , or I 'll tell her . " Arenn 's voice sounded menacingly . " What 's going on ? " Jarol worried . There was something they were hiding from her . Toral seemed to want to answer but didn 't . His cheeks filled with air and she was sure they grew hot . He let the air out with a quiet ' pffffff . ' Jarol observed the whole scene and her amusement gradually rose . Arenn , Laran and the medic left the room , leaving Toral - a very nervous Toral - with her . She pulled herself up , trying to ignore the dizziness , and looked at him . He seemed to hesitate for a moment , but then he went to the console and retrieved the object that lay there . A box of Assurian chocolates . He approached the head of her bed and sat on a stool that stood there . " Leg . . . Atira Jarol , " he said . Oh , so this was far from duty matters , this was private . Really private . " You seemed to enjoy this kind of chocolates before , so I brought you some more . " He put them on her lap , not looking into her eyes - they were glued to the box . " You have no idea what kind of talents I harbour . " He frowned . " I have acquired the chocolates , I have brought them and I 'll make you eat them . I hope this is clear . " That was fun ! When was the last time she did that ? Ah yes , before Laran was born , with his father . Did she want to continue ? Did she want to continue with Toral ? He must have noticed her hesitation . " Oh , no ! I managed to gather courage up to this point , there 's no way you can get rid of me now ! " he said , shaking his head . " It took me over twenty years and you on the verge of death . I 'm staying . I 'm arguing . Execute me , because it 's the only way to make yourself free of me now ! " " I have his support , so you can forget about it . " She almost expected him to stuck his tongue out at her . He didn 't but the image in her head made her laugh . Grow fat alone ? Maybe . Old ? Not necessarily , she thought . She decided to test one more thing . " Maybe I should ask a certain archon to rule to execute you and have all chocolates without sharing . " She smiled at him . He had a sneaky face expression , but she knew it was all acting - his narrow eyes laughed . " Toral . . . " She realised she had no idea what his given name was . " What happened when I was here ? Slowly and in one voice . " His face grew serious . " It all started from the explosion in your quarters , " he began . She listened to him . She listened to him telling her how he had abandoned his post upon learning she had been hurt . She listened to him telling her about the Klingon attack and the progress of the battle . He told her about the initial Central Command 's decision to declare war , changed to agreeing to a non - aggression treaty with the Klingons , who had another war on their hands . In the meantime Arenn , Laran and the medic returned ; they didn 't join Toral and let him tell her everything , for which she was grateful . Oh , my ! She actually woke up ! I 'm sure it 'll take some time to determine if there are any other effects from what happened to her , though . . . head injuries require a LONG period of monitoring , to make sure . That " forcefield " . . . oh , my , if anyone ever realized who it was that prayed for Laran 's protection , and who may have even come to pay a visit in that moment ( I could REALLY start to feel his presence in the story and in that moment as he described it ) - - that would be a very , very freaked - out reaction from everyone but Jarol , Brenok , Zamarran , and Aladar ! ( And Taret 's still around too , isn 't he ? ) No doubt that certain someone is praying for everyone 's bodies and spirits to heal . And Toral ! Oh , my . . . he 's being very cute here ! It 's a shame Jarol misjudged him and thought he was weak . I hope she 's going to learn to see that 's not true . Those chocolates may persuade her to reconsider . . . That " forcefield " . . . oh , my , if anyone ever realized who it was that prayed for Laran 's protection , and who may have even come to pay a visit in that moment ( I could REALLY start to feel his presence in the story and in that moment as he described it ) - - that would be a very , very freaked - out reaction from everyone but Jarol , Brenok , Zamarran , and Aladar ! ( And Taret 's still around too , isn 't he ? ) No doubt that certain someone is praying for everyone 's bodies and spirits to heal . Click to expand . . . And Toral ! Oh , my . . . he 's being very cute here ! It 's a shame Jarol misjudged him and thought he was weak . I hope she 's going to learn to see that 's not true . Those chocolates may persuade her to reconsider . . . Click to expand . . . Awww . . . thanks for posting the thread again . It was an honor to be able to write that with you . A lot of blood , sweat , and tears went into it , by both of us . And Toral ! Oh , my . . . he 's being very cute here ! It 's a shame Jarol misjudged him and thought he was weak . I hope she 's going to learn to see that 's not true . Those chocolates may persuade her to reconsider . . . Click to expand . . . So even if she just happened to be in the room , that made it hard for him to speak at all even if he wasn 't addressing her ? He had it BAD , then ! Nerys Ghemor , I planned to post the link to our story after posting this chapter , I just forgot Luckily , there 's never too late for that So even if she just happened to be in the room , that made it hard for him to speak at all even if he wasn 't addressing her ? He had it BAD , then ! Click to expand . . . In such a situation I think he was quieter than usually , though not that that badly not to speak at all . He was just aware that she was there , listening . However , I don 't think that they there were many cases of them being in one room . He 's Brenok 's aide , so usually Brenok was one to do things and if Toral was there , he was " behind " Brenok , just like he was " behind " Jotrel 20 years ago . They sat on a balcony of a small hotel in Torav . Torav was a small town , formerly a fishing village , with a very long history . Jarol had chosen it as the first stop of their trip across Nokarian continent , as the town was one of not so many tourist spots on the northern continent of Cardassia Prime and had a lot to offer . They stayed in a small , family - run hotel , occupying two adjacent rooms . The evening was warm , but the first signs of the humid season were obvious - especially on Laran 's body , as he wore a few layers of clothes . It was colder than in Lakat this time of the year and it would get even colder within the month they planned to spend travelling . She hoped he finally believed her that she hadn 't been overreacting when she had told him to take a lot of warm clothes . " What ? You taught me that war was the worst solution , you taught me that fighting was not an answer to anything , you taught me that one could never make peace through a fight ! You taught me that ! " " No , he doesn 't ! He had told me that war was a bad choice , that we would lose it and he still wanted it ! This was disgusting ! " " Now listen , Laran . " Her tone of voice became a bit sharper and chastising . " Uncle Arenn is not any more fond of war than you or me . He did not want it . But sometimes there is no other choice . It was not a matter what he wanted , it was a matter what had to be done . " " I disagree . ' No choice ' is a convenient excuse to do a lot of bad things . Fighting is wrong . War doesn 't bring peace . War is always wrong . " " Were they right killing your children ? " He didn 't finish the sentence yet when his face expression changed . She knew he regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth . " I 'm sorry , Mom . I 'm so sorry . I didn 't mean it . " " I know , " she said softly ; although his brutal words hurt her very much . " Uncle Arenn made a difficult decision . It was the best option from the bad choices . Sometimes you cannot choose a good solution , because you are given only bad solutions . You have to choose the least bad one . I would make the same decision , if I were in his shoes . " He didn 't say anything . He reached for his glass of juice and sipped on it . She observed him . When did he stop being a child and start being a man ? She 'd love to hug him and never let go , but she knew it would only make him protest ' ohhhhh , mooooooom . ' She smiled at her thoughts . She liked when he wanted to listen to the stories about the family he never knew . She was glad she could share them with him . She felt it united both of her families into one . " Let me think . . . " She put her index finger to her lips and thought for a while . " There was that day , shortly after Corat was born , when Mayel asked what we needed another baby for and if there was something wrong with her . . . " " I wish I had siblings , " Laran said very quietly after she finished . She didn 't know what to say - she never knew he felt that way - but he spared her answering . He said , " Where do we go tomorrow ? " His tone was cheerful but she could read him well - it wasn 't completely genuine . The longing not to be the only child - a rarity on Cardassia , even after the terrible , destructive war - was deeply rooted inside his soul . " I was thinking about two options , " she said . " One : tunnels under the desert where food used to be stored . Two : the remains of the small fishing village ; they used to produce the best fish juice in the prefecture . . . about two hundred years ago . " She smiled . She liked talking about old Nokarian customs . Most of them were not practised any longer , but she made sure they wouldn 't be forgotten . For the last fifteen years she actively participated in the society for saving Nokarian culture and it made her very happy that her son , who was half - Nokarian but was raised in Lakat and identified with Lakatian culture , showed so much interest in her cultural heritage . He didn 't say a word in Lakatian language since they had started their trip , even though it was obvious that sometimes he struggled with Nokarian . He was fluent but not that fluent and she appreciated his efforts . Even if people - seeing his not so sharply slanted eye ridges typical for a full - blooded Nokarian - talked to him in Unionese , he kept answering in Nokarian . They sat on the balcony until late night hours and talked ; or rather she talked and he occasionally asked a question . She wanted to stop the time , to stay in this town forever , to never worry about crew rosters , schedules , repairs or the Klingons . To breath real , not replicated and filtered air ; to eat real food , not rations or replicated copies ; to wear comfortable shirts and trousers , not heavy and hard armour . She knew a life like this would eventually drive her crazy but for now she enjoyed every moment of it , especially since Laran was with her . She would have gone on that trip anyway , but with him it was so much more precious and memorable . She could share her knowledge , she could show him things , she could be with him . Rayak Nor Zamarran was nervous and very unhappy . Gul Brenok had left him in command of the station and the engineer was certain that it was a huge mistake . He was an engineer , a man to fix broken equipment or to design a new piece of technology , not someone to give orders and administer a station . Peace or no peace , this was a strategic command . " Pleased to meet you , " the man replied . His hair was completely white and his face was covered with wrinkles . He must be at least one hundred fifty , Zamarran thought . " I am not sure you know Captain Ronus . " And I should have known , he chastised himself . The Trill extended his hand in a human gesture of welcome and the human man grabbed it and shook . " We talked through the comm , " Ronus said . " Welcome . " " Your station sure is big , " Pertello said , looking around walls and the ceiling . Then he looked at Zamarran . " I hope I 'll get some city plan for it before you let me loose . " Zamarran 's first instinct was to tell the commander that he wouldn 't be allowed into more than a half of the station anyway , but he realised in time that the man joked . " I 'll see what I can do , " he said , trying to force a polite smile and not sure if he succeeded . " Captain Ronus volunteered to show you to your quarters . " Again , Zamarran stopped himself before saying that Pertello wouldn 't be allowed into many sections . " I can arrange that . I would gladly answer your questions . " That , at least , was the truth . If anything , Zamarran felt safe talking about his work and engineering matters . Pertello waved his hand . " Oh , it 's just a hobby . And I find Cardassian architecture fascinating . " he smiled to Zamarran . " I think this place is beautiful . All those curves , ovals . . . so elegant , so graceful . " The gul returned to the command centre and took his place at the main engineering console . He rarely used Legate Jarol 's office . He was telling himself it was her place and he was only temporarily taking over her duties , while she was recuperating and gathering strength on her extended shore leave , but it still felt somehow wrong . He wished her well and was far from claiming that she didn 't deserve that time far from the station and duty , but he couldn 't wait for her to return and take care of all those things he was so sure he was doing wrong . He was glad that Borad seemed to know what he was doing . Zamarran could clearly see hope and expectation in her face , but he wasn 't sure it was a good idea . The station still was a dangerous place . Even if it lost most of its strategic meaning recently , it could become a target of another sneak attack . The quadrant was full of unfriendly aliens . " Kapoor , I hate to make this decision , " he admitted . " Can 't you wait for Jarol to return ? It 's only a month . " " Would Jarol agree to this ? " Kapoor 's face had a mischievous expression and Zamarran hated to ruin her little ' trap . ' " No , she wouldn 't . She lost her children when they visited her on a station . " Kapoor became serious . " You 're right . " She paused . " But this is different . I wouldn 't risk my children 's lives if I believed there was a reason to worry . " " I know that . But as far as I know , he looks for a way the assassin left the station . He is almost sure that person is not here any longer . " He knew he acted like someone who had to take care of someone else 's precious vase and he assigned a separate room for that vase , letting no one in . He was afraid his wrong decision would bring a lot of harm . The station seemed to be safe but he would hate to be responsible for any bad thing that could happen to young Karamas . His friend wouldn 't forgive him and Jarol wouldn 't forgive him , either . The whole village was considered a museum of some sort , so it was surrounded by a fence with one single entrance . There was no charge to sightsee the place , though , unless someone wanted a tour with a guide . To enter , they had to pass through a gate and a booth , where they received a guide - book with descriptions and were asked if they wanted a guide . Jarol shook her head and was just about to proceed when the woman behind the counter shyly asked , " Aren 't you Legate Jarol ? " Demok looked at his mother , who only smiled . It wasn 't the first time they heard that question and each time Jarol tried to avoid answering . The sub - archon looked at the woman . " Why don 't you sell tickets ? It would help you to support this place . " " The society , as any other cultural society , gets some leks from the government . They can later pass it to the most needing cultural objects or projects . The Nokarian society gives subventions to some objects under a specific condition . They get money , so they are not allowed to charge the public for visiting . " Cottages were mostly light brown to dark brown . Oval windows looked out toward the sea . Demok noticed that from the northern side there were no windows or doors at all , only smooth walls . Intrigued , he opened the guide - book to see if there would be any information why it was like that . As it occurred , in wintertime the winds from north were so strong and so cold that not to let the cold air enter the houses , they had to have all openings face other sides of the world . The cottages closest to the sea stood on poles . Again , Demok consulted the guide - book and read that it was to protect the houses from high tides . The poles were tall enough for water not to reach the houses in its highest level . Retractable stairs led to the entrances when the tide was low . During a high tide , people used small boats to move around . There was a row of small fishing boats , each with information when it was built and how . The first one was three hundred years old , the next one was fifty years ' newer ; ' the last one of the seven was dated in late 2350s . Barely fifty years ago . They were different one from another , but Demok could clearly see that the general principle was still the same : a single piece of wood made the hull , any other additional - and in some cases very primitive - equipment was a combination of wood and metal . The guide - book claimed that each of those boats , even the oldest one , could still float on water and wouldn 't sink . " Mom , why is Nokar called ' the farmland ? ' From what I know it 's mostly a dry desert . It seems that the fishing business could have been quite significant here , but a farmland ? " " Nokar wasn 't always a desert , Droplet . After the Great Shift it was still quite green and produced most food of all Cardassian continents . The problems started recently , in the last century . The air became drier , the dry season longer and many draughts changed fertile fields into deserts . Only fishing villages and towns managed to keep up with a high demand for food . The farms are a history . . . " She smiled . " But for some reason people keep calling Nokar the ' farmland . ' I don 't know why . " " We had two orchards . One bore fruit during the dry season and the other one during the humid season . The problems started in late twenty - three forties . The dry season orchard , with fop , died . Even for the fop it was too dry . My dad told me stories of how whole family helped to water the trees but it was never enough . Within two years the orchard was a cemetery of trees . The humid season orchard , with goplu , was a bit luckier . It dried too , though , when I was a little girl . Humid seasons were not humid enough , the rain got bad , too toxic for delicate fruit trees , and all that combined killed the plants . " " I don 't know . Probably nothing . Dad sold the land when he moved to Lakat to live with us . The new owners most likely destroyed the old house and build there a new one . Or something else . I don 't know . " " Because I want to remember it how it used to be . As my home . I don 't want to know how unlike my home it is now . " " I think I understand , " he said . He regretted her decision , as he hoped to see the place where she had grown up and where he - and his - family came from , but he respected it . He guessed that she didn 't want her memories be polluted by the reality and strange people who owned the land now . He knew that if he told her that he wished to see that former farm , she would go to show him , but he didn 't want to do anything that could hurt her . This trip was supposed to be a healing trip , not bringing - what 's - lost trip . A small box appeared in front of her . It was wrapped in a silver paper and had a red bow . It was the third time that it happened and they both already knew what was inside and who beamed it in . Demok loved the smile on her face . He remembered that the first time she had seen that mysterious box materialising in front of her , she was startled . After being bombed one could grow wary of strange objects , especially boxes appearing from nowhere . However , upon closer study of the box she saw a card written in Toral 's handwriting that read ' The next step to grow fat , ' and it convinced her it wasn 't anything dangerous . Since then , each time Toral 's ship was close enough to Cardassia Prime , he beamed a box with one Assurian chocolate . A big one . Demok 's mother seemed to enjoy each next one more than the previous one and the sub - archon was sure it weren 't the chocolates that she liked and that brought a smile to her face . They finished their juice . Awwwwwww , Toral 's " chocolate bombings " are ADORABLE ! I understand Jarol 's feelings about seeing an old home . I made that mistake once and went along with my parents on a trip to a house where we 'd lived over a decade before . The various tenants through the years had not taken care of the place and the whole town just looked run down and made me want to cry . Finally , about Jarol . . . it 's good that she does not want to overdo her influence on her son . When she doesn 't pay attention , or doesn 't care to , she can be very overbearing . So it 's good to see that perhaps Archon Colissa 's assessment wasn 't quite right - - or is becoming less so . The situation is still quite uncertain but soon something more would be known . For now , Zamarran seems to be afraid the make any decisions Finally , about Jarol . . . it 's good that she does not want to overdo her influence on her son . When she doesn 't pay attention , or doesn 't care to , she can be very overbearing . So it 's good to see that perhaps Archon Colissa 's assessment wasn 't quite right - - or is becoming less so . Click to expand . . . As for that particular decision , though , I understand why . That involves the lives of civilians , and specifically the children of someone I think by now is a friend of his . And after what happened to Jarol 's children , I think he has good reason to be sensitive about that . Especially with spatial anomalies ( which damaged Dorak 's ship ) and angry Klingons in the neighborhood . Demok thought that New Bavosal could be a place where the best artists on Cardassia could live . The city was like a walk through a stylish palace . The city resembled a holoprojection : it was clean , regular and new . Perfect . Bushes in parks were trimmed to resemble the local fauna , including birds and small mammals that lived in these parks . The town was built around a small lake that made a central point of the park in the middle of New Bavosal . The lake and the park themselves were a kind of nature sanctuary . Clean streets , many for only pedestrian traffic , seemed to be designed to resemble different architectonic styles . Demok and his mother had spent the first two days merely walking in the central park and on pedestrian streets . They had bought of lot of useless objects , mostly knick - knacks , from countless stalls that occupied the narrow lanes . On the third day they decided to visit what was left of Bavosal - the original town , next to which New Bavosal has been built . There was very little left . Most of the remains of the older town were removed due to respect for those whose bodies were buried under the rubble , but there were a few buildings left - as a genuine monument to the place that so many people had called home . It was not allowed to approach the ruins closely for the safety reasons - they were surrounded by an energetic barrier - but the open - air museum was arranged to let visitors enter a hollow circle between the buildings , where a monument stood . The monument was a single and a very tall concrete beam . Demok 's first thought was that it didn 't look impressive at all , but he changed his mind when he moved closer . He realised that there was something written on it . Names . Hundreds of names . Thousands of names . After a moment he realised that those were the names of the people who used to live here , in Bavosal , and died here . " Mom ? " he asked worried . " Are you all right ? " Medic Nerot had warned him she might feel dizzy sometimes . The sub - archon crouched next to her . " Mom ? " She raised her head and he saw tears pooling in her eye ridges . " We should have done something . . . " she said quietly . " We should have done something earlier . We shouldn 't have allowed for this to happen . . . " He sat next to her . " Mom , you did what you had to . It doesn 't matter when you would turn against them , because that Founder would have ordered to murder us all anyway . You did what you had to do . Her evil intent is not your fault and not your responsibility . " She looked at him , trying to muffle her sobs . " Mom , you risked your life for free Cardassia , you risked our lives for Cardassia and that was the right thing to do . " " Mommy , you did the best you could . No one could foresee this . No one could have thought that anyone in his or her mind would order something like that . You couldn 't have known that Changelings have no conscience . " He took her hands into his . - When did they become bigger than hers ? - He looked around to see if they drew attention , but those few visitors didn 't seem to stare . He saw a young girl realising what the writings on the monument meant and covering her mouth with one hand and wiping her tears with the other . His mother 's reaction probably wasn 't anything unique , new , or rare . He regretted that they came here . He wanted to see the new town and the open - air museum , but now he regretted he had had this idea . He now promised himself not to take her to any places that would remind her of that war and the final days of it . He would never do that to Uncle Arenn , so why had he thought that he could bring her here ? Because all of her family wasn 't killed ? His father was , isn 't that enough ? Both his parents - yes , he considered Uncle Arenn his parent - had told him lots and lots of stories when he was growing up , but there were very few from the Dominion War and - in Jarol 's case - from the Border Wars . She never said anything about her time on Terok Nor , too , now called Deep Space Nine by the Federation . Now he understood better than ever why - those memories were too painful , too terrible to share with anyone , especially one 's child . They hadn 't hidden anything when he had asked questions , and he had had many questions after each history lesson , but they also had never volunteered to share details about what they had experienced back then . " Come on , " he said , raising . " Let 's go back to New Bavosal . " He hoped another walk in the park by the lake would cheer her up . She enjoyed observing small mammalian creatures that apparently lived in the lake . They seemed to build their homes under the water level , but clearly breathed the air . One could buy food for them at the nearby stall and lure them closer , offering something they liked . It didn 't escape Demok 's attention that the animals were always in pairs , even when they came for the food . Were they siblings , mates or just ' friends ' - he couldn 't tell , but he found it adorable . Brenok informed the guard in the lobby whom he was going to visit and entered the lift . It took him to the third floor , where he left it to quite a big entrance hall with a hoverchair parked in a corner . He chimed and waited for a moment before the door opened . A tall and big man stood in it ; a serious expression on his face was replaced by a friendly smile as soon as he saw who was the visitor . " Gul Brenok , please come in , " he said , moving aside . " He 's waiting . He hasn 't been talking about anything else for the whole day . Next time please come for breakfast - that way we 'd have to listen to that only through the morning . " " All right , writing and then calling either me or Temar to read it . That way or another - we can 't do anything because he draws all the attention . He interrupts us all the time ! " " Of course I hate it ! " The man grinned too . Brenok knew that all that nagging was a most wonderful gift to him , not in the least annoying . Having his brother back after twenty - five years - after being told that he had died , no less - was nothing less than a miracle . " I have a lot of work today . " The big Cardassian shot Brenok a glance . " Did you ever try to ignore him ? " Brenok shook his head . " I don 't advise it . The price would be high . " They entered the day room . There were too men inside . One standing by a window and referring what he was seeing outside , and the other one on a special chair with an extended seat on which one could lie stretched legs and assume a half - sitting , half - laying position . Brenok went to the man in the chair . " Tolkar , I hear that you have been naughty . " Tolkar Saratt grinned and nodded his head . The man was in a terrible physical condition as a result of unbelievably cruel Obsidian Order experiment , but his spirit did not give up and he seemed to enjoy every moment of his life , regardless of limitations : he could not walk , he could not speak and his hands ' movements were limited . Brenok knew that he had worse days , but he never witnessed any . His older brother , Tabar , had told Brenok that the gul 's visits always improved Tolkar 's mood . Saratt shook his head and grabbed a big padd that Brenok had built for him over two years earlier . The padd allowed his not fully functional hands to write intelligible words with a special stylus ; a typical Cardassian padd would be too small and too bulky for that purpose . Brenok had based this design on Federation padds . Tolkar Saratt was a painter . He was unable to paint any longer , as his fingers were incomplete and he wasn 't able to firmly hold a brush , not even mentioning that his arms were too weak and too unstable to let him paint , but even when he drew something simple on the padd - as he did now - it was obvious that the man had a gift . Brenok had seen his paintings , he owned two of them , and he regretted that this talent wouldn 't produce any more art . Brenok smiled . " You are becoming an ocean specialist . " The youngest brother was such a specialist and it seemed like he shared his knowledge and passion with his siblings . " Which reminds me ! " Brenok rose and returned to the corridor where he had left a package he had brought with him . He took it to the kitchen . In spite of the oldest Saratt 's words , Brenok knew that he had to . They had invited him and he would eat their food from their rations . It would be rude not to share something to fill the void and let them save some rations on something else . Fruits were always a good idea and there were very few Cardassians that didn 't like a ripe and juicy fop . " So what happened that you had to postpone your visit ? " Temar Saratt asked Brenok . The gul was supposed to visit them a week earlier , but these plans had to be changed . " Old age and , I think , he was unwell for a long time . " Brenok paused and put away his spoon . " He had no one . He lost his whole family in the Dominion attack , so we had to take care of him and his mourning ceremony . " He paused again . " They say he didn 't say a word since the attack , since all whom he loved were killed . " Brenok thought that he was so close to the same fate - lonely , quiet , unhappy . . . " That 's so sad , " Tabar Saratt said . Brenok knew Tabar 's wife and both of his children died that day too . There wasn 't one Lakarian that hadn 't lost someone that terrible day . There wasn 't one Cardassian that hadn 't lost someone that terrible day . However , some of them had lost everyone that day and there was no worse fate for a Cardassian than to be family - less . " I could have been him . . . " Brenok whispered in spite of himself . He didn 't want this dinner to be a sad event , but he couldn 't stop talking . " I could have stopped talking , singing and impatiently wait for the death to come and finally take me . " ' But you aren 't . ' Tolkar Saratt was equipped with a kind of stick , which he used to ' speak . ' Even the knocking the characters of the flash code , which he used for communication , sounded softer now . " Why not ? " Temar asked . Brenok looked at him . The youngest Saratt had a gentle expression on his face , encouraging the gul to answer to the question , to find out - to realise - what had made it different for him . He thought for a moment . " Because I wasn 't alone , " he said at length . " I had no family , but I still had my friends . " He thought of Atira and her support , in spite of the fact that she had needed some too ; she had lost her husband in that war and had been expecting a baby . He thought of Latana - an Oralian orphan who had showed him that he 'd been still needed by someone . And of Laran who had been born shortly after the war and the presence of that little , troublesome boy had brought first happy smiles to Brenok 's face . They became his family . He was not family - less any longer . " Atira was there for me . And Latana and her friends . And Laran . I never stopped missing my little girl , but he was and still is a precious treasure in my life . " Tabar smiled . " That fact that you have another child - even if technically he is not yours - doesn 't mean you stop loving the older one . " Brenok looked at the oldest Saratt . " You don 't have to feel guilty that Laran was making you happy , even though you still mourned Tasara . Loving a new child doesn 't cancel loving the older one . " Brenok smiled . He appreciated the change of mood to something brighter . " Administrator Saratt , the gofut is almost as good as my wife 's . " He put a full spoon of gofut into his mouth . She grabbed his hand a pulled him deeper into the apartment . Inaya , his sister - in - law , stood in the door to the day room . " Welcome back , " she said smiling . " We expected you several hours ago . " " Here . " Tavor turned to look at his older brother , who had just left the kitchen , wiping his hands in a cloth . " How long will you stay ? " " Tarin ? " Tavor leaned over to have a better look at his seven years old son . The boy moved to avoid being seen . " Tarin , come here . " Tavor 's voice was soft but had a commanding tone . He stretched his hand toward the child . " Come and tell me . " " Dad , it 's because of me . " Chumi wrapped her arms around her father 's shoulders from behind and leaned her head on the back of his . " He meant well . " Suddenly , the boy 's demeanour changed . Fire burnt in his eyes as he looked at his father . " That idiot shouldn 't have said those things ! He asked for it . No stupid moron will make my sister cry ! He got what he deserved ! " Tavor sighed . " I 'm very happy that all got what they deserved . Now , again and from the beginning . What happened last week . And why Chumi cried ? " He turned his head to look at his daughter . " There 's that boy , " she said . " And he liked me , but I don 't like him . He 's a bully . And he said that I was so pretty and so special , but I don 't like him . And then he started to call me names . " " I 'd rather not repeat . Those were ugly and dirty words . Tarin heard that and rammed him and . . . well . . . got smashed on the wall . " " You fought at school ? " Tavor sent his son a look full of astonishment . " Why didn 't you tell someone that he called your sister names ? Why did you attack him ? A boy almost twice your age ! " Tavor was speechless for a long moment . How come his young son knew such a word as ' fogar ? ' The glinn wasn 't happy that his child knew such a pejorative and full of contempt term , which denoted a person who sneaked upon his or her neighbours and family to turn them in to the Obsidian Order , and that he used it . " Tariiiiiiin . " Tavor let out a long sigh . " First , don 't use words like this . Say ' I don 't tell on other children ' instead . Second , you can 't fix things this way . This is not right . " " You also will not fight at school . Regardless of others ' wrong behaviour . You will tell your teachers and your uncle and those naughty children will be dealt with . You do not deal with this yourself ! " Tavor observed his son for a long moment , giving him time to think about his behaviour and his father 's words . The glinn glanced at Inaya . " Was he punished ? " Tarin raised his head and Tavor saw tears shining in his eyes . It almost broke his heart . The boy jumped from the chair and ran around the table to his father with his arms stretched toward him . " I 'm sorry , Daddy ! " " I know . " He knew that Tarin hadn 't apologised for fighting , or for ' protecting ' his sister . He had apologised for disappointing his father and for making him angry . Tavor hoped that some day his son would understand why his behaviour was wrong . Akot , Eheen , Cardassia Prime Ya ' val smiled , seeing Ma ' Kan approaching the table . He hadn 't seen her for too long . The last several times that the Damar had been near Cardassia Prime for them to meet , she had been ' on the hunt , ' as she called her missions . This time they were luckier and the schedules of both of them allowed them to steal a few hours and have a dinner together . She had changed since the time she had left the military almost three years earlier . After the mission , during which they had found an old Obsidian Order experimental vessel and had witnessed terrible tortures two Cardassians were submitted to , she had decided to dedicate her life to hunting down former Obsidian Order agents that were still in hiding and didn 't pay for their crimes yet . She had a few successes on her account . " Zerin , you gained weight , " she said instead of a greeting . She laughed . " All right , you did not . " She sat . " Did you take a look at their offer ? " she asked , pointing to a dish list padd . " You will gain weight , then . " She seemed to be in a good mood . He smiled . " You look nice . I mean , really , really nice , " he said . She gave him an attentive look and studied his face . " Thanks , " she replied eventually . " I grew my hair a bit longer . Now it doesn 't interfere with my duties . " She winked . It wasn 't only her hair , it was everything about her . Without heavy armour and easy - to - make hairdo replaced by a much more elaborate one , she looked more womanly than he had ever seen before . An idea popped in his head . " Is there someone ? " he asked . They started to choose and mark desired dishes . The dish list padd sent their requests to the chef and they waited for their food to be brought to them . They talked about her latest assignment and about his service aboard the Damar . She asked how were the others - the officers she knew and with whom she had served for twenty years - and returned Ya ' val 's question about meeting someone special . Those infrequent get togethers were an extension of gatherings that they used to have with Gil Sabal , their friend who had been murdered by a mad Efrosian three years earlier . They rarely talked about Sabal ; Ya ' val knew that Ma ' Kan had been shattered by the gil 's death and he didn 't want to bring the sad subject . When they talked about him , they both choose only happy memories . " Of course I hate it ! " Oh , I could see the happy grin Tabar Saratt said that with . And the ol ' rot on the door - - good job , Tolkar and Minion ! ! ! You teach your brother that ignoring is futile ! And is Ma ' Kan going to get Garak ? GET HIM ! He was in the Orias system ; he is guilty ! Your Garak deserves death . Painful , nasty , slow death . |
Voting starts Wednesday morning at 9 : 00am PDT / 12 : 00pm EST / 10 : 30pm IST / 5 : 00pm WET / GMT / 4 : 00am AEDT ( Thursday ) and ends the same time on Thursday / 4 : 00am AEDT ( Friday ) . Send your votes via email LIFlashFiction ( at ) gmail . com . Winner will be announced in the Comment and Story thread . You may vote only once and cannot vote for yourself . He was sawing some thin lengths of wood to make the bars . His wife , Mei , beaming a smile of infinite happiness , waddled into the small workshop with a pot of steaming hot jasmin tea . Huang downed his tools and joined Mei at the table in the corner . Before sitting he placed a gentle hand on Mei 's stomach , which he did at every given opportunity - a new ritual for them both . Huang 's smile was possibly even wider than Mei 's . His smile kissed hers , and they sat together at the table , enjoying their tea and each other 's company , and sharing aloud their dreams for the future . San was born three weeks later . The couple had been trying for a baby for many years . Mei was in her 40s and they had virtually given up hope before the minor miracle occurred . But perhaps because of her age , there were complications . The local doctor said he 'd never seen anything like it ; a newly - born 's short but traumatic journey from the womb into the world , he said , meant that it was impossible for a baby not to emerge kicking and crying . But San was different . He was entire and seemed in good health , but for this crucial detail : he was born asleep . All kinds of treatment were tried , but the tiny soul remained oblivious to the world he 'd entered . No one could give Huang and Mei any idea of when San would waken , or if he would at all . Their dreams for their child were put on hold , and with time and the uncertainty of it all , they began to fade . Huang continued to make things out of wood , and Mei continued to make simple clothes , which they sold at the market to provide for their meagre subsistence . San slept on in a small back room of their modest little house . He would take Mei 's breast in the early months , and liquefied food later , but only reflexively ; there was no sign of any awareness of Mei or Huang , despite the lilting songs she whispered to him , and the delicate games Huang tried to play with him . They loved San unconditionally , but friends and neighbours noted that the smiles had gone , replaced by blank , unvoiced despair . On the way back from the market one sunny day , at a fork in the path through the woods , Huang saw something glinting in the undergrowth . He clambered through the thick bushes and stooped to pick up the object that had caught a ray of sunlight ; it was a small triangle , like those used to teach music in schools . Huang frowned at the incongruity of finding such a thing in the middle of nowhere , shrugged his shoulders and resumed his walk home . As he walked he inspected the triangle and saw that it was made of a shiny metal that certainly wasn 't iron . Huang spent the night staring at the ceiling of their bedroom . The next day he set to work ; Mei hadn 't seen him so enthusiastic since the time she 'd been carrying San , three years before . Huang worked throughout the day and by the evening it was complete : a mobile , made of wood and material offcuts , with the triangle at the centre . Mei helped him to fix it to the ceiling above San 's cot . Huang took a piece of wood that hung next to the triangle and struck it gently : TING . He was hoping that the sound , and what he was convinced was the inherent magic of the triangle , would wake his child . But San did not stir . Huang stayed by the cot all night , striking the triangle on the hour , every hour . The next night , he was at his son 's side again , striking the triangle , on the hour , every hour . But nothing . Mei told her husband that he must give up this madness ; he would make himself ill , and then where would they be . Huang was inclined to agree with her , but said that he would try it for one more night . And so he did . Meandering is her greatest fault and now of all times she is doing it again . How often during this year had the maths tutor asked her to repeat what he had just said ? ' Sorry sir , could you say it again please ? ' He was a dedicated maths tutor and quite patient with her , considering . He would shake his head and now she recalled one lesson where he said , Just how do you think you are going to pass at the end of this year ? ' ' Sorry sir . ' She had blushed . One of the boys had shot his hand up to answer the question that she had no clue about . ' Show off ! ' She continues her musings about that tutor and remembers how she had felt embarrassed about being caught out by him yet again . maudharrisDecember 6 , 2015 at 11 : 53 amPermalink Matthew is in love ; in all has eighteen years he has shied away from emotional attachments , but this one hits him with the force of a hurricane . Arthur occupies all his waking thoughts and even invades his dreams . Matthew is confused ; all his preconceived ideas have been thrown into chaos . He is no longer his own person . Arthur , being older and wiser , tries to persuade Matthew to go back to college . The tearful young man is torn between his ambition and his love for Arthur . " Here 's what we 'll do , " Arthur consoles him . " At its base , there are two corners ; one is yours and the other is mine . Then , at the apex is the Celtic symbol of eternity . It signifies that we are together even if we are physically apart . " The first year at university is difficult for Matthew . He has no problem with his studies , but he finds his new surroundings confusing . He feels somehow out of place . It is difficult to fit in , all he can think about is how soon he can be reunited with Arthur . Scotland is a long way from Winchester and train fares are prohibitive on a student grant . Arthur , without the steadying influence of the relationship , sinks into a depression that is only relieved by drunken binges . He has a few unsatisfying encounters , leaving him full of regret and self - loathing . He comes to the conclusion that Matthew deserves better . After one particularly sordid encounter he decides to sever all ties . Arthur lacks the courage to tell Matthew face to face that their love affair is over ; he stops writing and phoning . Matthew is devastated . He doesn 't know if Arthur is alive or dead . He is unable to concentrate on his studies ; all he can think about , day or night , is Arthur . He is awakened in the early hours by a sound from below . Matthew knows he has locked all doors and windows . He listens for a few minutes , and when he is sure there is an intruder , grabs a baseball bat and creeps downstairs . A sudden surge of anger grips him as he sees a dark figure rifling through his desk . Raising the baseball bat high in the air he brings it down with all his might on the intruders head . Matthew starts to shake ; his legs no longer support him . Sinking down in the nearest chair he sees a pool of blood slowly spreading from the burglar . There is no pulse . Another jury is summoned with a similar result . The case has attracted much publicity ; many people are on Matthew 's side . Eventually the third jury agrees on a guilty verdict and the judge passes a sentence of ten years in Strangeways . Arriving at the prison Matthew is led to a cell , measuring about ten by twelve feet with a set of bunk beds , a stainless steel toilet , single table and a wash basin . As the steel door clangs shut behind him , his new cellmate rises to shake his hand . With a shock Matthew recognises a triangular tattoo with a Celtic symbol at its apex . Neena cut the sandwiches and packed them . I helped her pack and she said , " You are really excited about this picnic , aren 't you ? " " Aren 't you ? " I was living at their place since last three months , and was enjoying myself immensely , when I got to do the thing I loved . Make love . Neena tried to stop the affair her husband had , but she didn 't know it was me her husband was having an affair with . I tasted a triangle of a sandwich . It was delicious . If nothing else , she cooked well . Her only grace point . But soon I would get rid of her , and that would be the end of obstacles . We wouldn 't be a triangle anymore . I planned to take him on the high Silonda trail , while both she and the children would have fun rides around park . The small waterfalls was another nook for us . You might think that was all there was on my mind and actually it was . It was an hour 's drive , but we reached there much later with the unwarranted traffic halts . " So let 's have something to eat I 'm ravenous , " I said . " Uh so soon … okay then , " Neena spread the sandwiches , cupcakes , and refreshing cups of coffee . I felt ready for the day 's action . " No time to stop and stare ! " I quoted . We reached the top and there was lush vegetation to entice us . I pulled him into the dense area and said , " Why are you wasting time ; we never did at the house . " " Stop it ! I won 't go ahead with your devious plans anymore . I have pledged to stay away from you , and if you insist you will have to leave our house . " " Oh but I was just joking , I know this is not the place , you must be scared . " I quipped . " Whatever ! Are you coming , I am going to join the kids ? " and he walked as fast as possible uncaring of whether I was following or not . I was sure it was the place that inhibited him . Once home , and she left for work , he would come back to normal . We reached home and the kids chattered about the trip . The kids had taken lots of pictures and a selfie in which yours truly was missing . Once we reached home , I went to my room after giving him a hurt look . He ignored it . I Tomorrow , she would be away , and I would take my revenge then . Love 's revenge is sweet , I would pretend to be angry , then he would be sorry for his behaviour and then … . . uh well you know ! Finally she left for her work . Thank God ! If you think I should be ashamed then you 're mistaken , I wasn 't . Pure rage enveloped me . From the knife set I took the sharpest one and went after him . He backed off . I followed him around the table . I attacked him at his extremities . I would bobbit him if necessary , unless he agreed to my terms , but he asked me to be sane . How dare he ? I slashed his body five , six times and he was bleeding . I felt a moment of sympathy that passed away , as my passion took over , and the fact that I would never have him again . You mean she is the woman - you had an AFFAIR - YOUR AUNT ! ! You said it was over and all the time you were having a gala time right under my nose . You BASTARD ! The police came in then and took me away . If I could burn her with my eyes she would have been cinder by now and so would my ex - lover . And , truly , I wasn 't his real aunt but his step - aunt . Sudheer was recuperating in the Everest Hospital and Neena looked after him . She brought him home and a maid answered . He was happy things were normal then he saw the bags . " Did you think I would stay with you after that ? I don 't want to be anywhere near you now , and I will send you the divorce papers . " Neena said calmly , " I will ask you for a huge alimony so be prepared . " " You deserve that . You 're a scumbag and I wouldn 't be surprised if I hadn 't come , she would have killed you . That 's what you deserved . " With that Neena banged the door , as she stepped beyond the line of a married woman 's life . Tom and Jane were walking . It was late night of a hot Sunday in October . Little ever changed around here . The lovers just returned from a shark cage diving in Gaansbai . The sightseeing was breathtaking , and the event 's memory would never be erased . Tom still had it in his mind . They were in the reinforced steel cage , but the clear feeling of security tessellated when a white shark ignored the bait and went right at the cage . Tom feared for his life and held to Jane but all the shark tasted was steel . It ran away from defeat . Only one turn to get to the street where they lived now . A man running with some errands passed through them and almost took Tom down . - Hey ! Watch it ! - yelled Tom . They 'd be home soon . - My love , it 's getting late - he said , stepping up his pace . Randall and McAvoy were in the streets , not too far away . Randall , the big , muscled African , in his mid - thirties and McAvoy , the European skinny man in his almost thirties with a full grown beard . Both hiding their knife in their left trousers pocket and their gun by the waist . Wearing their hooded jackets , they 'd wait for unprepared tourists to pass through and steal them . They were playing cards on a dust bin . - You always sweat the details , man . Get a hold of yourself - Randall quickly hit his partner 's head . McAvoy shook his head and put his hood back . - Exactly - his partner answered . Two floors above and in the other side of the street , Tiffany was teasing Adrien passing her bare foot along his leg under the table . Adrien was a tourist from France and this was his last evening in town . Tomorrow by 11 am he 'd be flying back to France . The dining room was sweetly scented , dim lighted and the ambient was set with a soft music . " What a poor sight " , he thought looking at what seemed two thugs and checking everything was in its place . He met Tiffany a day ago and invited her for a dinner at his place . A few minutes ago , the gorgeous redhead came with an emerald dress and candy pink lips . He promptly took her to the dining room and took her chair so she could sit . McAvoy crossed the street quickly . He sneaked behind them , and when they reached the alley where Randall was , McAvoy violently bumped them into the alley . It took quite a swing for McAvoy and he lost his balance right after . He was always trying to switch positions with Randall , but they 'd always agree that Randall looked more like a menace wielding any - or none - of the weapons than him . So he 'd simply put the victims in Randall 's reach . - Well , well . Packing up , are we ? Randall grinned . Tom and Jane were still on the floor , recovering from the bump . McAvoy was already up , pointing their knife at them . - Come on lads , I ain 't got all night . Wallets to my partner 's side . Don 't do anything stupid and we won 't too , aye ? - he said , juggling his knife towards them . Tom felt the killing instinct in McAvoy 's eyes as in the white shark 's . Both Tiffany and Adrien had a little too much wine . Who could blame them , if it went so well with dinner ? They got up and slowly danced to the music . His hand on her lower back , her hand on his chest . They could feel each other 's temperature rising by the second . She started to caress his chest , and he held her tighter . Using the music to set his pace , he silently led her to the living room 's window . Once they got there , he quickly turned her on his back and against the window . He kissed gently her shoulders , towards her neck , keeping the pressure from his hips on hers . He was about to pull her underwear down when she suddenly makes him stop . - Adrien , look over there ! Those guys are stealing those two ! - she said , terrified . He looked . The man being robbed seemed familiar to him - he was the one he almost took down not too long ago . - Well , we can 't do anything . Might as well enjoy it . I bet 500 € at least one of them will die - he said , keeping on the pressure . - Yeah , he 's right - agreed McAvoy . - Might as well have a peek - he said , while Tom threw his wallet to Randall 's feet , powerless . McAvoy approached Jane and pointed his knife to Tom : The second McAvoy touched Jane , Tom managed to get his knife McAvoy 's knife through his own chest and fell . Incredulous , Randall fired his gun . His aim wasn 't that great and Jane 's body took Tom 's bullet . Randall 's perplexity gave Tom enough time to point the knife to Randall 's chest , but Randall flipped him in one arm swing . At point - blank distance , Randall didn 't miss his second shot . He ran for cover , as he heard sirens . SpikeDecember 7 , 2015 at 3 : 05 pmPermalink We knew there was a problem up ahead … the Captain of the yacht looked preoccupied through his refracting telescope " It 's all fog and no wind " , he said in his thick Pontiberry accent . Rhona came up in a skimpy swimsuit with a wrap , just covering what Dad would call her " Essentials " " What 's the problem , Cap ' " , she said seductively . Dad blushed and Rhona laughed as she popped another Champagne bottle . she looked through the spyglass and gasped . " I don 't believe it we are in the Bahamas and it 's foggy ! " . Marcus , my brother came up too , to see what all the hassle was about . The Captain ( Whose name was Mr Johnson ) continued to drive the boat into the fog . " Now you two " , said Dad , " I don 't want any panicking . We all knew how Rhona got when the ship hit powerful waves ; but said nothing and just nodded . I glanced at Rhona she was happily pouring a glass of champagne . " Land - Ho " Shouted Mr Johnson suddenly . We all got up . to look : Sure enough an island was dead ahead and we were about 40 meters from it . We . Threw the dingy into the water and made our way to the sandy beach When we reached the Island the thick air suddenly lifted and we saw there was nothing … literally nothing for miles . even the yacht was gone . " Looks like you 're here to stay " , came a voice . then out from behind the trees came a woman with short brown hair , a suede jacket , jodhpurs , flying goggles on her head , and a very pleasing smile " I 'm Amelia " Dad looked like he was going to have a stroke " Earhart ? " , he said quietly not quite believing it . she smiled and put out her hand " That 's right " Mr Johnson shook her hand vigorously " Always been a fan " he said . " But you haven 't aged a bit " she laughed a light tinkling laugh " That is the only befit to the Bermuda Triangle : It keep 's us young , eh Glen ? " Glen Miller in a moth - eaten suit appeared " does anyone have any cigarettes ? Said the american band leader . still as young as he was when he went missing . " They say you died of a heart attack with a prostitute , in 1940 " Glenn laughed " No , sir , I flew over here in 1940 and been here ever since " " As have the crew that survived . " , said Amelia and a whole lot more . I afraid this is your home now too . D . B Cooper , came out from the trees as did a few Airmen . Then a surprise for Dad as Jim Morrison came out from the shade too . " You died in Paris ! " , he said . " No , man , I just let the world think I did " he smiled at me and I felt myself blush , " No - one ever looked inside the coffin in Pars " laughed Jim " So an empty coffin is in Poets Corner " I was flying secretly to Rio , when the plane crashed here " Rhona came forward " God I love your music ! " , she gushed . " Amelia and Glenn took us to the village and told us a few things . " You 're now stuck , like us here " Marcus and I looked at each - other . " No - one can see the Island " , said Jim . " But we will never age ? " chipped in Dad . " No " , came a reply . But you have to fit in with our rota . I mean let 's face it " , said Jim with a smile " You 're in the Triangle forever " For a split - second he sat there frozen with fear , caught with his pants down , as it were , completely unprepared . He stuttered out an explanation , or tried to . " B - Buffy , come on now , it 's - it 's not what it looks like . Please , please don 't be like that Buffy . I can explain . " It started out innocently enough . He met her at the Laundromat . The owner introduced them and told him her name was Sydney . She was open and friendly , talkative even : Something unheard of in that part of town . Every time he had to do his laundry , Sydney would show up . He didn 't know how she did it , maybe she lived across the street , or had spies , but she always appeared , was invariably friendly , and in no time at all was practically throwing herself at him . She treated all the other patrons with disdain , especially other men ; and she was beautiful , there was no question about that , she was absolutely beautiful . His first few utterances were so pathetically lame , he couldn 't believe she gave him the time of day . " Well hello to you too , " he said . " Do you live around here ? " ' My God , ' he thought , ' what a stupid question . ' Their brief but friendly encounters soon became a regular thing . If it wasn 't a tryst , then I don 't know the meaning of the word . He felt guilty . And why shouldn 't he ? He knew it was wrong . Not that they did anything - physically wrong , he just knew it felt wrong , he knew what was in his heart . He was as unfaithful to Buffy as if , as if … One day , he impulsively enticed her to his home . " Come on up , " he said . " I won 't bite , I promise . " She 'd purred , almost like a kitten , and followed him fearlessly up the steps . Before he knew it , she was in the apartment and they were alone . Once again his tongue betrayed him . ( Don 't get ahead of me . ) He was simply at a loss for words . She gazed at him with her big green eyes , holding him in a veritable trance . She could do whatever she wanted , yet all she really seemed to desire was his company , his warm embrace . After awhile , she would get up and sit by the window , staring out at the street with a mysterious smile on her face . He knew it couldn 't go on this way . Sooner or later he 'd have to confess . He 'd have to confront Buffy with the truth , the awful fact that their relationship was no longer exclusive . It kept him up at night , sitting on the couch , swirling a glass of wine in his hand , staring at the wall . Sooner or later , he 'd have to come clean ; be open and honest with her . He knew she wouldn 't take it well , if she took it at all . He dreaded the prospect and kept postponing it , week after week after week , until it became easier to pretend than to be honest . He loathed himself for his cowardice . How could he do this to her ? After all they 'd been through together ? He wasn 't just a coward , he was a bona fide asshole as well . The proof was overwhelming . But he only entertained these thoughts at night , when he was alone . Whenever Sydney was around , he pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind . If you saw her you 'd understand . If you saw her eyes , her hair , her magical grace , her unmistakable animal magnetism , you 'd feel the same way too . And of course , you know how the story ends . It was inevitable . One day , when he was least expecting it , Buffy came home while Sydney was there . She came to a halt and practically froze in the doorway . Her face went slack and lost all expression , then a cloud seemed to cross her face . She shook her head , first in denial , then disbelief , and finally doubt . She took a step back , as he got up and began walking towards her , arms outstretched , reaching out to her . She huffed ; it was a disdainful , dismissive sound , the sound of disgust and rejection . " Buffy wait , no . I can explain , " he said . " I can explain . " But it was too late , it was - all wrong . In that instant he knew it : The shock , the shattered trust , their relationship would never be the same . From inside the apartment he urged her forward too . " Come on Buffy , " He managed to say . " Come on . Don 't be like that , Buffy . She 's just a cat . " Melissa the head steward offered her a drink , then went about her duties . As she went through the plane checking for departure readiness she noticed a young lady sitting towards the front on the right . Melissa shock her head and smiled . A few rows further back on the left she came to a complete stop and looked back over her shoulder , to see if either of the girls had moved . Thinking : It couldn 't be . Her mind must be playing tricks on her or something odd was happening . This was going to be an interesting flight . On Her way back through , she checked again . Each girl had her head turned away so it was hard to tell . Melissa decided to check the manifesto . " First class , 6A , Elizabeth Glenn , 13C , Elizabeth Farrier , 36H , Elizabeth Brooch . They couldn 't be sisters , Cousins maybe ? " With no time to worry about it , she went back to work . Lizzy adjusted her belongings below the seat in front of her , putting her headphones and phone in her jacket pocket . She noticed the steward looking at her funny , wondering what was up . Pulling out her ticket , she checked her seat number . Billie thought of herself as tough , not much fazed her , but flying wasn 't her thing . She had only been on a plane a handful of times , the last couple were no fun . The turbulence had made her sick , take off and landing gave her horrible headaches . Why she 'd agreed to this trip she wasn 't sure . Yet something deep inside told her she was meant to be here . Billie was busy trying to breath , closing her eyes , she didn 't notice when Melissa stopped in front of her and starred . An hour into the flight Melissa was called to the forward . The Captain wanted her to inform the squad they had been diverted a few hundred miles east , to try and avoid a storm . They should take their time serving the refreshments . Once around the danger they would try and make up for lost time . The Captain also let her know , they would be flying just inside the edge of the Bermuda Triangle . He would do all he could to stay on the perimeter . Melissa went back to checking on First class passengers . In 6A , the petite , wavy auburn haired , beauty was sleeping peaceably . Her jeans and sweater , clean and tidy , like they 'd been dry cleaned . This would be a good time to speak to the rest of her crew . As she passed 13C , she looked over to see a very similar cinnamon coiled haired , gal , asleep in much the same position as her first class guest , even her top and slacks seemed the same , maybe not as refined . Melissa spoke to her team , heading back up the other isle , at 36H , the same young lady , or was she just in the same outfit , why was everyone looking alike today ? Seemed a bit more agitated . Melissa stepped forward to see if she could get Billie anything . That 's when she noticed the clear crystal blue neck - less and the girls piercing green eyes . " We have an eye mask . I could get you one , it might help . Do you have any relatives on this flight ? We could rearrange seats . " Long ago there was a shift in weather patterns , the earths land broke and drifted apart . The great city of Atlantis built a covering over it and evaporated . No one knew where it had gone . Twenty years ago a Professor claimed he 'd found her . He brought back a gemstone , from under the sea , with three pyramids inside . The king and Queen had triplets and each wore a side of a powerful pyramid , the three new baby princesses had also gone missing . Legend was , one day they would return and restore power to the great city . If they managed to bring the other gem too , not only would it give power but they would reign for the next thousand years . Melissa brought Billie the eye mask . The minute she slipped it on , Lizzy woke with a start . She got out of her seat and headed for the bathroom . Elly stood looking confused and walked towards 13 C , stopped in a daze , stretching . As Lizzy exited the restroom Elly returned to her seat . The Captain called Melissa . He told her some unforeseen force was drawing them closer to the center of the triangle . Melissa pulled out her cell phone , searching for the Story on Atlantis . As long as the princesses gems remained in some sort of a triangular distance ; they would be sucked into the depths of the sea like a magnet . Who knew what would happen if the girls stood by each other in a tighter triangle . Forty - five year old Leon Wallen lives in the penthouse suite that covers the entire top floor of luxury apartments located in Miami Beach . No one knows why a single man needs so much space . The only reason the building owner needs is that he has a ridiculous amount of money . Twenty year old Lucy lives in the far left first floor apartment with her divorced mother Leona who inherited " old money . " Many people believe that Leona was born without a personality trait . They believe Lucy 's father married her to enter into the " old money club . " Lucky for him Leona was too in love to ask for a prenup . Leona is very protective of Lucy and tells her that she is not to have a relationship until she finishes school next year . Her pending graduation gift is the $ 100 , 000 a year position waiting for her at a company that Leona 's wealthy friend owns . Leona knows that Lucy doesn 't want to work in any of her family 's companies so this is a way out . A very lucrative way out . Twenty - four year old Lawrence lives in the far right first floor apartment with his cranky widowed father Arnold . Lawrence entered into the " new money " club when he made his first million at the age of thirteen . He and his mother came up with a product that stores had trouble keeping on shelves . Once his former " good for nothing " son became a millionaire , Arnold became a proud father and a roommate . Lawrence 's mother passed away from breast cancer two years ago . Before she passed , Lawrence was made to sign a document blocking him from receiving the remaining thirty million they made together before his 25th birthday . The only way he could receive it sooner is if his father agreed he was mature enough to handle it . It is 9 pm on a Friday night . Lawrence and Lucy are getting ready for their special night . Lawrence puts on one of his many red shirts . Red is Lucy 's favorite color . He is the proud owner fifty - two red shirts . Lawrence 's favorite color is blue . Lucy puts on a form fitting blue dress that she pulled from her closet filled with a sea of blue . Lawrence and Lucy meet in an apartment Lawrence secretly purchased . It is located in the middle of the luxury apartment building . Because Lawrence had an old reputation of choosing to party over his studies , his father watches over him like a hawk and Lucy 's mother watches over her to make sure she is not dating . Therefore the two had to date in secret . Lawrence 's friend Sheila lives in this apartment as a cover . She clears out when Lawrence and Lucy meet . Friday night is the only night that Leona and Arnold go for their weekly night out . Therefore , Lucy and Lawrence are free to meet . Leona always leaves at 6 pm and returns at 9 am the next morning . Arnold leaves at 7 pm and returns at 10 am . The following day , Leon meets James Warren who owns the luxury apartment building . James is frantic because he is about to lose his second business and needs to unload this building . Leon agrees to buy it . James secretly knows of many residents that will be moving soon and has no prospects to fill the empty spaces . The men smile and shake hands not knowing that the other knows of the pending mass exit . Leon already knows how to fill the empty spaces . The next morning there is an announcement for a residence mixer in the main conference room of the building . The residents gather that evening to meet the new owner . Leon meets with the residents and answers their questions . Three months later after the last of the old residents vacates their apartment , the new residents slowly begin to move in . They fill all of the vacancies within the next three months . Leon 's wealth climbs to new heights because of his newest occupants who all have deep pockets and agree to pay higher rents . One Friday night , Lawrence goes to his secret center apartment and finds Leon waiting for him inside with Sheila . Lucy enters moments later to find the men having a serious conversation in which she is asked to join . Sheila sits silently on the chair next to them listening attentively . At the end of the meeting , Lawrence and Lucy 's rent goes up 20 % and Sheila gains a friend with benefits whose name is Leon . Lawrence tells Lucy he will pay her additional rent himself . After everyone agrees to his terms , Leon agrees to keep their secrets . He leaves with Sheila as they begin their new " relationship . " twenty - five . Per their individual agreements , their parents release their holds and two are now free to openly live their new lives . Lawrence introduces Lucy to his father and Lucy introduces Lawrence to her mother in Lawrence 's center apartment . Their parents are shocked by this secret relationship and their plans to marry . Arnold and Leona fess up to their own secret relationship , recently eloping and soon moving into their new home . The couples decide to be happy for the other as they are all relieved that they no longer have to keep any secrets . One month later , the couples move out and into their new homes . Lawrence and Lucy live far west in a luxury gated community . Arnold and Leona live far east in their own luxury gated community . Sheila lives in a luxury apartment in the northern part of the city . She began working with Lawrence months earlier and made her first million . Two months later , Leon meets with two residents that he has been watching having an affair in Lawrence 's old center apartment . The married woman and married man live in Lucy and Lawrence 's old apartments with their respective families . The center apartment is now owned by the woman 's female friend . She just became Leon 's new friend with benefits . The little girl with long wavy waist - length black hair loved her bedtime . Her bed was under a window on the first floor of a beautiful duplex house . Her parents adored her as she was a single child and was born late into their marriage . The six - year - old had a vivid imagination which always helped her weave stories that mesmerized her friends at school , especially the gap - toothed fat boy . He loved her stories more than any of her friends . A year ago , a magical phenomenon transformed her world . One fine night that summer as she lay down watching the star - studded sky from her window , she felt floating off to another world . She somehow knew that neither was she awake nor asleep . She didn 't know exactly when it happened but her square window had changed shape and was now a triangle . She was not shocked at this change . She realised that she was walking down a carpeted floor of a huge tube like room . She met many people there walking , just like her . She stopped one man who looked to be in his late 30s and asked , " Where does this lead to ? " She smiled and just shook her head . The little girl paused in her stride and looked around her . She realised that with every step it was becoming harder for her to walk fast . The path was raised as she went along . No one seemed particularly inclined to talk . She walked ahead and came upon the circular opening to the tube like room . The fantastic view on offer was a huge expanse of sky which was much nearer to her and far brighter and studded with zillions of stars than she had ever seen . In the very next second she awoke to find herself in her bed and the window was , as usual , square . The next night she was eager to go to bed . She hurried through her homework , gobbled up her dinner and ran upstairs . Her mother called after her , " Baby , please wash up before you go to bed . " Without breaking her run , she replied , " Yes , mama ! " She quickly washed up and changed into her night clothes and lay down on her bed . For a long time she waited for the window 's shape to change . But it did not . Eventually , she fell asleep . A week passed by and she realised that expecting for the window to change shape did not warranty it . When she shared her disappointment with her gap - toothed friend , he soothed her by saying it did not matter . But in her mind she was certain that the change in the shape of the window and her strange experience were somehow related . Later that night as she settled down to sleep she felt as if someone was shaking her awake . She saw that her window was a triangle again and she was now inside a room which was all creamy white in colour and a housefly sat in one corner . She had seen houseflies before and knew that they were tiny in size . But she was shocked to see that this one in front of her was the size of a giant . She asked the fly , " Am I watching you through a microscope ? " The fly replied , " No , but you are delirious with fever . " The little girl felt cool touch on her forehead . Shivering , she opened her eyes . She saw that her mother looked worried and there was a doctor near her bed trying to take her temperature . A thermometer was gently put under her arm . The little girl lay cuddled in her mother 's lap and tried sharing what she saw . " Mama , the fly told me I had fever . " Her mother soothed her brow with another damp cloth and softly told her , " Baby , go to sleep , you have been chattering in your sleep . " And gradually the little girl fell asleep . For the next two days , the little girl lay in her bed day and night and kept wishing for the window to change shape . Another week passed and now the little girl was fine and had resumed her school . One night , she just knew in her bones that she would have her triangular window that night and that she was going to have a unique experience . She found that she was walking through a wide path in a jungle that was full of tall trees with thick foliage almost hiding the sun and dense underbush . But she was a brave girl . She walked past a particularly tall tree which had its branches covered in beautiful looking vines with large heart shaped leaves . The vines bore white flowers with wine red coloured cores . And nearby , she saw a small bush with tiny white star - shaped flowers . She bent to take in the aroma of those flowers when something caught her attention . She turned to see that the tree with the vines was walking towards her . Soon she saw that all the trees were walking . And that was the moment when she realised to her shock that there was not a chirp of a bird nor the sound of an animal in that jungle . All around there was an eerie silence . She woke up breaking out in cold sweat . It was a long time later that she fell into a dreamless sleep . The morning came with a loud crashing noise and screams . The little girl quickly tried to jump off her bed only to find something poking her in the back . Terrified and almost frozen to the spot , she dared to look over her shoulder and saw that the tree that had always overlooked her window was now split vertically into two and one of its halves had crashed into her magical window . What he noticed was those that possessed it , seemed happier than others . Orgon deduced it held some kind of drug which altered the moods of the humans . He studied it carefully , specifically the large triangular symbol on the top of the object , it seemed to be the key to what was held within . In each Earth sector there were similar objects , with the same triangular shape ; the only difference were the symbols imprinted on them . These flat objects of happiness , as Orgon called them , came out of box - like building , where the humans would go to obtain them . Orgon was currently observing one of these boxy edifices which had the symbols , M - A - N - N - Y - S on its front facade . Orgon wasn 't quite sure what the letters signified , but the Earthlings in this sector seemed to prefer this building over others in the area . Orgon watched the earthlings go into the large structure , looking weary and tired . Only to resurface excited and joyful . He wanted so badly to go inside himself , but his kind are under strict orders to observe only , never engage with the earthlings - ever . This was Orgon 's first assignment on earth , many of his ilk had visited before , and they came back resenting the humans . But none ever mentioned the flat objects of happiness , this was a surprise to him , and Orgon didn 't believe this planet held any surprises . Unlike those before him however , Orgon found the humans to be endearing ; in particular a female of the species called Daphne . Daphne was employed at the structure represented by the symbols M - A - N - N - Y - S . She handed out the flat objects of happiness to the " customers " who frequented her establishment . There was nothing like this in his world , and Orgon wanted so badly to participate . Orgon was good at not being noticed ; he 'd taken on a young male human persona in his twenties , wearing a baseball cap , and a material called jeans ; with a t - shirt to cover his torso . Orgon 's duty was to hide in plain sight and observe . But he found himself spending more and more time outside the M - A - N - N - Y - S structure , mainly observing the Daphne creature . He was intrigued by her , Orgon knew she was special , but he didn 't know why . He was under strict orders not to focus on any specific human , but it was hard not to focus on her . Each earth week , Orgon would report back to his commander the things he had witnessed ; lately Orgon had been neglecting those duties . As he stood outside of M - A - N - N - Y - S waiting for the fetching Daphne to arrive , Orgon entered a partial report into the small computer device he hid within his backpack . Orgon was an observer , no human should 've been able to sneak up on him like that . He turned to see the Daphne female standing there smiling at him . Orgon had not programmed a human voice to use , and went through many iterations in a matter of seconds before saying in return , " hello . " " I 've seen you out here the last few nights , " Daphne said mischievously . " Come on in and get out of the cold . " Orgon thought her to be what humans call , " beautiful . " He was surprised that she was one of the few who could observe the observer , this would make her an interesting subject for his leaders back home . But if he reported her ability , they would take her , and he 'd probably never see her again . So Orgon decided to leave this out of his next report Orgon wasn 't supposed to fraternize with the humans , he was on assignment , and he especially wasn 't supposed to frequent their establishments . But he could not resist this Daphne , and when he entered the structure , Orgon turned off his transmitter . Once inside , he noticed the bright lights and festive atmosphere . There was music , and laughter , and thousands of the flat objects of happiness lining the walls behind a waist high counter . Orgon knew he had crossed a line , and once his superiors found out , he would most likely be banished to live on earth forever . This was supposed to be a punishment , but Orgon wasn 't so sure it would be . Never had he felt such freedom at home , where his kind didn 't smile much , laugh or listen to music . Orgon wasn 't a fool , he knew earthlings could be violent ; he had seen war and death like he never experienced on his own planet . But in his estimation , the joy and love they experienced , far outweighed the darker aspects of the human condition . Daphne put away her belongings and threw on some kind of cloak that she tied around her waist . Smiling she walked to Orgon 's table and said , " Welcome to Manny 's Pizzeria , the best pies in town . " " Ah , M - A - N - N - Y - S . " He said to himself , " It 's a human name . " And Orgon smiled , the first real smile of his very long existence . Chitra AdjoodahDecember 9 , 2015 at 12 : 44 amPermalink Breaking Point - Revised Sein barged into Tara 's flat as she opened the door . " Where is he ? " He asked pushing her out of the way . His face looked like thunder . He strode into each room , opened and closed the wardrobes and looked behind the doors . " Can you explain what 's going on ? " Tara gritted her teeth and clamped her lips as she followed him . " Where 's that man ? Where is he hiding ? The children tell me that you 've go someone in the flat . " " You 've moved on with your life . Why should I not ? There 's nothing left between us except the welfare of our children . " " You 're still one of my wives . A man can take as many wives as he wishes . " Sein said in a thunderous voice whilst stabbing her with his finger . " You stole my children , divorced me and moved away without my permission . I won 't forgive you for that . " He was calming down . " We 've gone through this before . " Tara backed away to kept a safe distance from him . " Stop blaming me . You created this situation . I caught you looking at porn and chatting with prostitutes on the internet and texting those women . You lied to me . I believed you when you said you were looking and applying for work on the internet " Furious , Sein started to trash the pile of materials that the factory which Tara worked for from her home , had delivered . Tara grabbed her handbag and rushed out of the flat . She shivered as she made her way to the factory . She could see him at a distance . crawling in his car when she looked behind her to check if he was following her . " Sein knows about us . " She spluttered to Billy , the factory owner and her boyfriend . " He doesn 't know about you but he suspects that I am seeing someone . He had a mad outburst in my flat . I had to leave . I think he has followed me . " " I 'm not scared of him . " Billy held Tara shoulders and squeezed them . " I think we should get married . " He proposed . " He will stop harassing you because I 'll see to it if he does . " " I 've got so much on my plate at the moment . " Tara got closer to Billy and held him tightly . " He scares me now . He is okay as long as he knows that I live on my own and looks after the children . He is not himself anymore since he suspects that I 'm trying to rebuild my life . " " I realise now that he has been watching me . I see him everywhere I go . I would bump into him in the supermarkets , in the park and at the school gates . I have seen him behind me as I drove on the road . It 's so unnerving now that I know what he 's up to . I think that I must move house . He knows all the ins and outs of my flat and has a spare key . I don 't want him to surprise us at night . " Tara let out a scream . " What are you doing here ? Where have you left the children ? " Tara shouted . Sein started to punch Billy . Billy wrestled him onto the ground whilst Tara called the police . Sein managed to free himself and sprinted out of the premises . Tara put a restraining order on him . The grandparents , begrudgingly , collected and brought the children back home every fortnight . Tara thought that her problems with Sein were sorted . On that fateful night , Sein surprised Billy and Tara in their bedroom . He had climbed into a window and got into the house . " Wife thief , slut ! " He swore as he shot Billy several times . Billy lifted his arms and legs helplessly as he tried desperately to get out of bed . Tara thought she was having a bad dream . As Billy sunk into the bedding with choking noises , Sein seized Tara by the arm and threw her on the edge of the bed and raped her . Tara did not fight him , thinking that Billy was at least alive and safe if she obeyed Sein . I ardently loved two women in my life . I needed both of them , neither of them I felt could ever be replaced in my life . Both of them zealously loved me , were caring and devoted to me . They were prepared to do anything for me . I could not think of a life without either of them . Both of them were be - all - and - end all of my day to day life . One was my wife and the other was my mother . When I compared the two of them , my mother always won , though I was not a typical Indian , mama 's boy . My wife , Leena was good in the bed , a fantastic cook and a fantastic mother to my two sons . She could be termed as pretty and a buxom beauty . The only problem with her was that she was a perfectionist and did everything meticulously well , whereas I was a happy go lucky fellow and somewhat erratic . This often exasperated my wife and she took every chance to berate me , " When will you learn , what kind of lesson will the kids learn from your wayward behavior ? " And she invariably ended her diatribe with , by half crying and half screaming and with a somewhat choked voice , " It 's I who tolerate you , no other woman would ever do so ! " I wished so much that she would come out with a different lamentation sometimes , but it never happened . They say , if wishes were horses , beggars would ride . So , I was that way unlucky . Whereas , my mother always ignored my shortcomings and foibles , her approach used to be - Oh , boys are boys It does not matter or take it easy . Often , she just kissed me and laughed it off . Whenever , I really went wrong , she counseled me in a loving and convincing manner . People told me that she used to nag my late father . I never believed them . Often , I was the reason for the spat between Leena and mom , but it always occurred on weekdays and never on weekends . Leena took her best chance to complain against my mom when I took her in my arms at night and I pretended that I agreed with her and felt guilty . She did it with all the more gusto when our wrestling match was all over and she stopped only when I deliberately snored . My mother never talked about her spat with Leena as she knew that it would upset me . Whenever , I talked about it , she just shrugged her shoulders , " It happens in every home between a daughter - in - law and mother - in - law . Why you bother your head when we always patch up and I give all the credit for that to dear Leena . " One day , when I was drinking in a pub along with four of my buddies , I happened to bring this topic . Everyone gave vent to his pent up emotions . A long and quite boring story , we had to listen with full attention . Finally , it was the turn of Jang Bahadur Singh , who was otherwise quiet most of the time . He made some weird unintelligible sounds , coupled with hands , shoulders , head and ankle gestures which attracted the attention of everyone in the pub . They felt aghast because little did they know that Jang Bahadur Singh 's wife was deaf and dumb and he was mimicking her . We came to the conclusion that all of us were sailing in the same boat . We realized that the triangles of our woes and distress , though different in sizes , but congruent . This gave us a pep to order for the last peg ; a double one . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
He turned off the alarm , pushed his black Egyptian - silk sheets to the side and sat at the edge of his custom made mahogany king - sized bed . He looked back to the other side of the bed , it was rough too . He tries to sleep on both sides now . He looked up to the ceiling Those were the words written on the poster his therapist had advised he have made . He glued it top the ceiling above his bed so it would be the first thing he saw when he woke up . That was his mantra . He lifted himself off the bed , at least it took less time now . He walked into the bathroom , turned on the hot shower and tried to scrub the nightmares away . He dressed up in his navy blue Armani suit , and as he fastened his tie in front of the mirror , he felt the loneliness start to creep in . " Not today , not today , not today " he mumbled to himself repeatedly and quickly walked to his sock drawer . He can 't stop moving , helps to shut out the voices in his head . He has a quick breakfast , leaves instructions for his housekeeper and gardener on the platinum double door fridge and walks out to the garage , gets into his black , Audi Q7 , opens the garage door and drives out . He is grateful for the buzz of traffic and a city awake . Before , just a few years ago actually , he couldn 't wait to get home , now he worked overtime every day and spends the better part of the night having drinks or barbecue with his boys . They were his rock . Without them , he would have jumped off that bridge a while ago . Therapy was working well and he had found faith somehow . He prayed a lot . He still thought about her . Four years of history is hard to let go especially because of how she left and the mess she left behind . The mess he had been cleaning up for a whole year now . Theirs wasn 't a story with happy ending but it had a beautiful albeit quick beginning . They had met in college where they were both pursuing master 's degrees in different fields . It wasn 't love at first sight , far from it actually . He hated her , well hate is a strong word though that is what he felt for her now , back then it was more dislike . He should have stuck to his gut feeling but he was in a dark place back then which probably wasn 't the right time to get into any relationship but especially not with her . He had lost his mother a few months before they met . She had died in her sleep . The autopsy said it was a brain aneurysm . There was nothing anyone could have done . At the funeral , Shaka had stayed back as everyone left for home . He fell to his knees beside the freshly filled grave and wailed . She was a mean soul but he loved her to her dying breath . His father had run off with another woman when Shaka was just 11 years old . He had left Shaka , his baby sister then only 3 years old and their mother alone . They weren 't destitute ; she was a career nurse , doing well at a local private hospital . They lived in a nice house which they owned and lacked nothing , nothing but the warmth of love . His father had left him something , something Shaka wished he could scrape off ; his face . Since he was a baby , everyone knew who his father was . He had his eyes , his nose , his jaw even his hairline . He truly was his father 's son . At the beginning this was something he drove great pride from because even as a child because everyone around him would make such a big fuss of it . But then that night came when an eleven year old boy 's life was turned upside down . It was late but Shaka had always been a light sleeper . He heard his parents arguing , it was loud and pretty heated . As a curious kid of course he went out of his room to eavesdrop . His sister was asleep in her room . He walked to the staircase and sat on the top step . He could see both of them in the hall way downstairs . They were both very angry , screaming over each other like they were competing who could scream loudest . He had never seen either of them this angry . At the time , he couldn 't really understand what was going on exactly . They would always fight in their bedroom if ever and even then , it would be in hush hush tones . " Sawa ! ( Fine ! ) Kwani wafikiri tutakufa ukienda kwa huyo malaya wako ? ! ( You think we will die if you ran off with that prostitute ? ) his mother shouted back . Shaka saw his father walk toward the staircase . It was too late to run to his room . His father stared at him for a few seconds at the bottom step , sighed then rushed up the stairs to their bedroom . Shaka ran to his room . A few minutes later , he heard a door bang shut , someone going down the stairs and the front door open and bang shut . He ran to the window and looked outside . As his father walked up to his car , Shaka silently willed him to turn around . Maybe if he saw his grief - stricken son 's face he would come back . He did turn around , their eyes did meet , he did see the tears fall down Shaka 's face but he did not come back . Shaka never saw his father again and his mother , well , any specks of gentleness she had left walked right out the door with that man . Shaka knew she tried so hard to shield them from the darkness that slowly crept over her over the years that were to follow and so he always tried to be a good boy . His sister tried too . They both did exceptionally well in school , did all their chores on time and essentially just stayed out of their mothers way . The hugs , the ' I love yous ' , they all stopped soon enough and all that remained when a little boy and a little girl hugged their mother was a quick pat on the back and instructions for the next day 's chores . After a while , they all just stopped trying . Now as Shaka watched his woman walk away , he racked his brain trying to figure out what he had done to make her leave . It must have been his fault somehow . People don 't just leave , right ? He turned off the alarm , pushed his black Egyptian - silk sheets to the side and sat at the edge of his custom made mahogany king - sized bed . He looked back to the other side of the bed , it was rough too . He tries to sleep on both sides now . He looked up to the ceiling Those were the words written on the poster his therapist had advised he have made . He glued it top the ceiling above his bed so it would be the first thing he saw when he woke up . That was his mantra . He lifted himself off the bed , at least it took less time now . He walked into the bathroom , turned on the hot shower and tried to scrub the nightmares away . He dressed up in his navy blue Armani suit , and as he fastened his tie in front of the mirror , he felt the loneliness start to creep in . " Not today , not today , not today " he mumbled to himself repeatedly and quickly walked to his sock drawer . He can 't stop moving , helps to shut out the voices in his head . He has a quick breakfast , leaves instructions for his housekeeper and gardener on the platinum double door fridge and walks out to the garage , gets into his black , Audi Q7 , opens the garage door and drives out . He is grateful for the buzz of traffic and a city awake . Before , just a few years ago actually , he couldn 't wait to get home , now he worked overtime every day and spends the better part of the night having drinks or barbecue with his boys . They were his rock . Without them , he would have jumped off that bridge a while ago . Therapy was working well and he had found faith somehow . He prayed a lot . He still thought about her . Four years of history is hard to let go especially because of how she left and the mess she left behind . The mess he had been cleaning up for a whole year now . Theirs wasn 't a story with happy ending but it had a beautiful albeit quick beginning . They had met in college where they were both pursuing master 's degrees in different fields . It wasn 't love at first sight , far from it actually . He hated her , well hate is a strong word though that is what he felt for her now , back then it was more dislike . He should have stuck to his gut feeling but he was in a dark place back then which probably wasn 't the right time to get into any relationship but especially not with her . He had lost his mother a few months before they met . She had died in her sleep . The autopsy said it was a brain aneurysm . There was nothing anyone could have done . At the funeral , Shaka had stayed back as everyone left for home . He fell to his knees beside the freshly filled grave and wailed . She was a mean soul but he loved her to her dying breath . His father had run off with another woman when Shaka was just 11 years old . He had left Shaka , his baby sister then only 3 years old and their mother alone . They weren 't destitute ; she was a career nurse , doing well at a local private hospital . They lived in a nice house which they owned and lacked nothing , nothing but the warmth of love . His father had left him something , something Shaka wished he could scrape off ; his face . Since he was a baby , everyone knew who his father was . He had his eyes , his nose , his jaw even his hairline . He truly was his father 's son . At the beginning this was something he drove great pride from because even as a child because everyone around him would make such a big fuss of it . But then that night came when an eleven year old boy 's life was turned upside down . It was late but Shaka had always been a light sleeper . He heard his parents arguing , it was loud and pretty heated . As a curious kid of course he went out of his room to eavesdrop . His sister was asleep in her room . He walked to the staircase and sat on the top step . He could see both of them in the hall way downstairs . They were both very angry , screaming over each other like they were competing who could scream loudest . He had never seen either of them this angry . At the time , he couldn 't really understand what was going on exactly . They would always fight in their bedroom if ever and even then , it would be in hush hush tones . " Sawa ! ( Fine ! ) Kwani wafikiri tutakufa ukienda kwa huyo malaya wako ? ! ( You think we will die if you ran off with that prostitute ? ) his mother shouted back . Shaka saw his father walk toward the staircase . It was too late to run to his room . His father stared at him for a few seconds at the bottom step , sighed then rushed up the stairs to their bedroom . Shaka ran to his room . A few minutes later , he heard a door bang shut , someone going down the stairs and the front door open and bang shut . He ran to the window and looked outside . As his father walked up to his car , Shaka silently willed him to turn around . Maybe if he saw his grief - stricken son 's face he would come back . He did turn around , their eyes did meet , he did see the tears fall down Shaka 's face but he did not come back . Shaka never saw his father again and his mother , well , any specks of gentleness she had left walked right out the door with that man . Shaka knew she tried so hard to shield them from the darkness that slowly crept over her over the years that were to follow and so he always tried to be a good boy . His sister tried too . They both did exceptionally well in school , did all their chores on time and essentially just stayed out of their mothers way . The hugs , the ' I love yous ' , they all stopped soon enough and all that remained when a little boy and a little girl hugged their mother was a quick pat on the back and instructions for the next day 's chores . After a while , they all just stopped trying . Now as Shaka watched his woman walk away , he racked his brain trying to figure out what he had done to make her leave . It must have been his fault somehow . People don 't just leave , right ? I 've never been to outer space but I knew this one girl whose head Was always in the clouds . She had the weirdest explanations for everything . She hated how much time we wasted doing simple ordinary things . Waking up , washing your face , brushing your teeth , taking a shower , eating . Yeah , she loathed the whole culture around eating ; specifically the very act of chewing . I know , who would take an actual stand against chewing ? Well , she did And would take the time to explain it to each and every one of her friends . She was a lawyer by profession and an astrologist by passion . She had studied for both and I feel somehow , one world had merged into the other . Suited up during the day ; killing it in court . Sweat pants and comic character tees at night holding stargazing sessions from her balcony . She had one of those huge telescopes . I never climbed mount everest but I knew this one guy who did . He used to say he 's never seen a view so breathtakingly beautiful . He 's into extreme sports . He was saving up to go to space . He said he had conquered all of the world 's wonders and that he was ready for the galaxy . I never sailed the open seas but one day I sat next to this old man on a bus and he told me that it was the greatest feeling ever . He used to be a fisherman , a really good one at that . The bus ride was 8 hours long , I didn 't sleep a wink , I just listened to the old man . His silver gray hair glistened in the moonlight peering through the window . He noticed me gazing and said the salt water gives it that shine . Is there anything sea water cannot do ? He said he had had several close calls at sea . Showed me a few scars . Shark bites . Rope burns . Fish hooks gone rogue . Run in with pirates . I mean I fear driving on dry land , I even dropped out of driving school if you can believe that . I can 't even imagine being at sea ; captain of a fishing boat . I never got his name but his face is permanently etched in my brain . I have never been to Disneyland but I have a friend , her name is Ivy . She has some kind of personality disorder , I forget the name . Anyway , one time she mixed her meds with ecstasy and weed . I dont know what she was thinking . So for three days , she was convinced she was an evil queen in search of the ' fountain of immortality ' . Everyone at the hospital had to play along . There were knights , maidens of the court , there was a prince ( she said the king died at war ) , there was even a court jester . The poor orderly had to tell her jokes and perform magic tricks whenever she called . She had had the previous one hung for defiance . Haha ! That was funny . I had gone to visit her at the hospital and I found a gathering in her room of a few nurses and hospital staff . I actually thought something was wrong with Ivy so I Panicked only to be told they were having a mock hanging . They actually had to get some tubing , put it around the guy 's neck and he had to make it look like he was actually choking then they brought in a gurney and carried him out . the drugs passed through her system in a few days and when she came back to her senses she could actually remember everything she had done . We still laugh about it to date . She still says those were the best days of her life . I went for an RA meeting last week . We meet twice a month because two weeks is all it takes for some of these guys to fall hopelessly in love ; me included . We share war stories about grand - gestures gone wrong and romance stories we have enacted in real life that should have been left in rom - coms and romance novels of the damsel in distress and prince charming kind . This one guy , for Valentine 's day , because his girlfriend once mentioned that she would love to go to Paris , the poor fellow , unable to afford to take them on a trip to Paris went ahead and built a model of the city , Eiffel tower and all , just for her . That thing took him a total of three months to complete . He you - tubed the heck out of it . He really should have stopped there but of course he didn 't . Hopeless romantics never just stop at the one grand gesture . It 's all about the series of gestures that would lead up to the ultimate grand gesture . Bigger is always better . So for dinner he takes her to this fancy French restaurant in a leafy suburb an hour drive away , gets a table by the pond and has a violinist play for them as they ate food that he ordered in fluent French . The guy couldn 't even say ' Bonjour ' just a few months ago ! What does he get in return you ask ? A generic ' happy valentine 's day ' card and a tie . A flippin ' tie ! It wasn 't even one of those fancy knitted ties the cool guys wear nowadays , that he actually likes . Nah ; the lady just got one off the street that cost like 200bob at most . It was black with grey stripes . Yes , he wore it to the meeting because we love to make points . We all burst out laughing at the end of his share , mostly because we would have done the same thing in his place . We advise him to stick to chocolates and teddy bears next time and maybe an Eiffel tower key ring but we all know we 'll be seeing a model of New York City next time because he said she mentioned that that was another place she would love to visit . I can 't wait to see what colour tie he gets next year . I saw a few people takiThe next share was from another fellow . Now this one was downright hilarious . So this guy ( let 's call him Mike ) has a girlfriend , now fiancée that he 's been dating for about three months . Yes , three months is enough to date and get engaged and get married for a romantic . Their wedding was in two weeks . Who needs months or years of courtship and planning ? When you know , you know . In their defense , they did know each other briefly in high school . I use the term ' know ' loosely because Mike just kind of saw her perform a narrative at a drama festival ; chatted her up , got her name and school address and proceeded to send her love notes for three months straight , every week , like clockwork . Of course he used the flowery writing pads , and splashed his cologne on every envelope . He only got one letter back . The girl soon transferred to another school and didn 't give Mike the new address so they lost touch and reconnected just last year . You should have seen Mike at the meeting after they reconnected . " I found her guys , she must be the one ! " He announced . We tried to caution him to take it slow because he didn 't know where the girl stood or even if she was available but he hit us with a " You know the saying guys , If you love something , set it free , if it comes back , marry it ! " We laughed through the whole meeting and congratulated him on his upcoming nuptials . We all knew he was going to propose soon . So on this random day he takes his girl out on a date . We romantics don 't know special occasions or holidays , we pretty much just smother you with love all year round . I don 't use the term ' smother ' loosely . She had mentioned in passing that she had always loved camel rides down at the coast , on the beach , when she was a kid so of course Mike went ahead and hired a camel for the day . They went to a park where camel rides could be made available at the request of the visitors . They were at the gate waiting for said camel because the park has you sign a release form incase anything goes wrong and you have to pay a small caution fee . As the camel was arriving , this bike - rider ( bodaboda ) started taunting the animal . He roared his engine loudly and even tried to run it off the road . I kid you not ; the camel kicked the guy off the bike and sat on his face ! The camel 's caretaker quickly came to the idiot 's aid and got the camel to calmly get off his face . The bike - rider had to apologise to the camel from a safe distance . I have never seen a man so embarrassed . Camels don 't play . Suffice to say no one rode on that camel that day so they had a picnic together instead , fed it apples and petted it . Some of children who were at the park also came in to join the fun . It was delightful and a definite win for Mike ; his girlfriend said she had never laughed that hard in her life . I won 't be able to attend Mike 's wedding but I can 't wait to hear stories . We all know ' grand ' doesn 't even begin to describe what he has in store . Why bother getting wedding ideas from wedding magazines or watching wedding shows or hiring a wedding planner when all you really need is a romantic to dream up your wedding from start to finish . You might have to scale it down a bit but you can be sure it will be like nothing you 've ever heard or seen before and it will blow everyone 's mind . The incredible hulk saved my life yesterday . He took the syringe from my hands and threw it out through the open window . You know those were for the dog right ? I asked him in shock . The doctor says I have to give him injections thrice a day . I hate doing it because he always looks at me dead in the eye with those sad puppy eyes , like you are right now . I said to him and sat him on the edge of my bed . It 's ok , you 've had a long day , why don 't you go watch some TV as I get dinner ready and prepare for the guests . I told him as I led him into the living room area and turned on the TV . He just sat there flipping through the channels , I think it relaxes him . We all know we need him relaxed ; no one wants a giant green thingy terrorizing the neighbours . My relationship with the landlord was already dicey after a few incidents I would rather not get into right now . I took out more medication for Papi , my puppy . I had to inject him through the neck . The vet said that the medicine would get into his system quicker that way . Just three more days of it and the poor thing would be in the clear . I found the little guy abandoned down the street , next to the overflowing county garbage bin . No one really emptied it anymore after the last workers ' strike . Every last civil servant and county staff were fired and new ones quickly shipped in from the neighbouring countries in the region to take over . Of course they were paid as expats and the country was practically oozing dollars all because the government refused to yield . This ego business was soon going to bring us to our knees . I wish I could say it wasn 't my circus but the bin was a few hundred metres away from our apartment building , I had to go by it to get to my place . I would always rush by to get minimum whiff of the stench . There was a rundown settlement right next to it . I wondered how people lived there with the smell from the bin and busted sewer lines that sent waste flowing in the shallow trenches that ran beside the shacks . They had to keep digging them reOn that day I slowed down because I heard a muffled sound coming from the other side of the bin . I moved in closer to check after I picked up a rock just in case . It was a tiny rock , the size of my fist ; not really the kind of thing that could protect you from say , a rabid dog but hey , it did give me a false sense of security . The tiny thing was lying in a box covered in black goo . I teared up soon as I saw it . I didn 't even know if it was a cat , a dog , a rat or some mutated animal thingy . I took off my scarf and scooped it up . I managed to wipe of most of the gunk and that 's when it opened up its eyes and looked right into mine . I can 't explain what I felt in that moment exactly but I think I saw a glimpse of myself in the wretched animal . It fell right asleep in my arms like it somehow knew it had found a home . I took it home , bathed it , fed it , called him Papi and I guess the rest is history . Papi fell sick often for the next few months but the vet said that was because of all the filth he had been exposed to and also because he never really breastfed at all . I wondered if his mother ever looked for him . Catwoman saved my life last night . She came in through the fire escape on my balcony . I didn 't even hear her come in . She knocked the bottle of pills from my hand and held me for what felt like hours . You don 't have to do this Anike . You 'll be fine . She said in a whisper . Ummm , I just had a headache and needed Panadol and I kind of mixed everything together in one bottle so I had a lot pf pills in my hand because I was trying to get the right ones . She let go of me quickly ; I could see the embarrassment in her eyes . What 's for dinner ? She asked quickly desperate to put that awkward mushy moment behind us . I followed her cue and gave her a breakdown of the menu . Right , so I will need to borrow your pants , the ones with an elastic band at the waist because this leather costume will not be able to handle what 's about to happen . She said and went straight to rummaging through my closet . They are right where you left them last time woman ! I said as I pulled them out of a drawer and handed them to her . She proceeded to undress down to her underwear . Well that escalated quickly , I said with a chuckle and briskly walked to the kitchen . I mean who wants to see their superheroes naked ? Don 't answer that . So what 's up with the little - big guy ? Catwoman asked pointing toward the hulk on the sofa . I didn 't even hear her come into the kitchen . Maybe we should put a bell around you ? I said jokingly . She wasn 't amused . He had a really bad day at work at the lab . I started to tell her the story . This other scientist had been using the lab 's funding and equipment to create some kind of freaky robots . They looked like human - sized dolls made of silicon but with a computer brain ( I was simplifying it because I didn 't understand the science jargon he used but I got the gist ) . Anyway , this mad - scientist had them in some bunker not too far from the lab and claimed they were the ' greatest breakthrough in artificial intelligence applications in warfare ' . Soon the robots could talk like humans , walk like humans and even hold real conversations . He would have them watch all kinds or war movies and train in war scenarios . A few broke loose and slaughtered the guards and a couple of doctors that were there but thankfully did not escape from the bunker . Violence was all they knew after all . They had to shut down the project and destroy the robots . It was gruesome . They also screamed like humans . Hulk or rather Bruce Banner ( his human alter - ego , the brilliant scientist ) was there for all of it as lead supervisor . It took a lot out of him ; I have no idea how he managed to keep calm . I finished . Cat woman looked at me and winked . I knew what it meant . The rizzlers and grinder are on that shelf and you know where to find the rest . Do you need a pen or something to help roll it ? I asked her . She rolled her eyes at me and sighed . Do I look like an amateur Anike ? She asked . Relax , my bad . I told her and blew her a kiss . She 's so touchy that one . I heard the bell ring and went to open the door for the rest of the dinner guests . My younger sister Amina and her boyfriend Batman , who had to introduce himself every time he walked into a room even though we could all see the costume and he would always forget to put the bat - mobile in stealth mode . We could hear him coming from a mile away . Shoes on the rack , drinks are on the table and no one talk to Bruce till he 's had his fix . I announced as I ushered them in . The landlord had come too with Mrs . Maanake nonetheless . They both tried to hide the fact that they came together but I got a knowing look from Mrs . Maanake . I couldn 't wait for that story . A couple more people from the apartment building came too even though I do not remember inviting anyone else . It must have been one of those polite ' I 'm inviting you but hoping you won 't come ' situations . There was more than enough food and drinks though so , the more the merrier I guess . Soon the room was filled with music and chatter . Batman was showing off his latest tech and bragging about how not even Ironman could come up with half the things he did . Oh , how I wished Ironman was here , and then we 'd have a ' tech ' - measuring contest right in my living room . And I only say ' tech ' because this is supposed to be a PG story . Ha - ha ! Catwoman busted me staring at the hulk . Stop drooling and just tell the man how you feel . She nudged . Yeah , well you couldn 't tell Batman how you felt five years ago and now he 's engaged to my sister so you are one to talk . I nudged back and quickly regretted it when I saw the sadness that had crept into her eyes . Sorry love ; I guess some wounds never heal . I said and gave her a pat on the back . I 've never been much of a hugger . Whatever ; here 's to past ' what ifs ' and women in love with angry green giants ( he 's never been a monster for me and even he was , I 'd still be madly in - love with him ) ! She said as she handed me a glass filled with a mix of everything . Here ! Here ! I said and downed whatever that was . It didn 't taste good at all . Like he knew we were talking about him , the hulk looked up straight at me and smiled . I lost the feeling in my legs and almost dropped the salad bowl . Cat woman just burst out laughing and took the bowl from my hands . I really should get new friends ; superheroes can be mean . Superman saved me that night ; he came in through the window . I didn 't even know I had left it open . I knew it was him because I heard a slight whoosh when he glided in . Plus , he had a cape and I don 't think those are in fashion yet . I live on the fifth floor , the house in the corner with the red door . All other houses had black doors . I painted it myself . The landlord threw a fit when he saw the * wet paint , do not touch * sign I had stuck on the wall but I think it was the smell of freshly baked brownies that really made him ring the door bell . By the time we were on the fifth piece of chocolate goodness it was all laughs from the bad puns . He asked for a wet wipe for his red finger tips , ' next time , read the sign man ' I said as I ushered him out of my big red door . That was the last time I ever spoke to him face to face but I 'd always get the usual monthly email reminder when rent was due . I preferred it that way , no need to get too social with people who you are in business agreements with . When his wife was sick , I baked brownies and made cheesy shrimp pasta and took it over . He wasn 't home . That month I didn 't receive the email , he probably wrote it and forgot to hit send . I paid my rent on time either way . Superman came into my bedroom ; well , the space that is my bedroom in my dainty studio apartment . He took the knife from my hand and bent it halfway . He looked in shock at the blood dripping from my hands . I will save you , he said and whipped his cape to the side . Another whoosh . I 'm making blood sausage ( mutura ) , you can stay for some if you want . I had just gone into the bedroom to check on the window , just in time too . Sorry about the knife , let me just bend it back , yes ? He said as he got cozy on my couch , took the remote and flipped the channels . Guess what program he lands on ; Justice league ; narcissistic much ? Wonder Woman saved my life that night . I had left my kitchen window open . I really should put a child lock on those things . She took the rope from my hand and threw it out the window . The goat was watching silently in the corner and jolted past us soon as the rope hit the ground . Thankfully the red door was locked so it just sat downdown infront of it dejectedly . I 've never heard a goat sigh but I 'm sure that was the sound the poor thing made . We 'll have to use your lasso to tie him up or he 'll get poop everywhere . My bad , didn 't know the rope was for him , WonderWoman said sadly . She carried the goat with such ease and walked to the balcony . She took the lasso off her belt and tied the goat onto the rails . She stood there for a bit and just gazed at the clear sky . I never thought superheroes got sad . I think you could use a hug . I whispered as I took her in my arms and squeezed . She cried on my shoulder , her tears stung like hot acid . Ok that 's enough , I only have the one layer of skin . I make bad jokes in uncomfortable emotionally intense situations . Go keep superman company on the couch , the blood sausage will be ready in no time . I told her and ushered her into the living room . She walked to the living room space , said a flat hello to Superman and sat down on a pillow farthest from the alien man . I wondered what that was about . I divided the mutura ; half for me and half for the barbecue the tonight . The Home Owners Association in my apartment building throw a party biannually . That 's when you get to meet the big wigs ; private developers , real estate gurus , the kind that own half of the ground you walk on ; corner office CEOs and other forms of gold toothed business moguls . They hand you their glossy matte - laminated cards and flash empty smiles , there is no soul in those eyes , just tinted windows . We are together you know , tuko pamoja , they say as they whiff past you to the open bar . I prefer staying behind the grill , feeding their thirsty stomachs ; shoving juicy , meaty goodness down their hungry throats . The blood sausage is divine Anike , they tell me as they go for another piece . I take a few plates and serve the watchmen , I give them the best cuts . After all they let me bring in the goats and chicken for the barbecue among other things . They even help me tie them onto the rails on my balcony and feed them if I 'm not around . They also water my precious herbs when I 'm away . Superman and Wonder Woman make an entrance . Together . I guess they made up . Superman in a black tuxedo and wonder woman in a long cocktail dress . A bit much for a barbecue but you know aliens and their big gestures . They immediately become the life of the party telling and retelling the story of how they saved the girl in the apartment with the red door . The one who makes the brownies ? The barbecue expert ? I let them have their moment , they probably really need it . Time for dessert ! I move to the dessert table . There are a few cakes , truffles , a three layer pie and my signature brownies . I have to make sure everyone takes just one otherwise there was going to be a riot . I put in extra chocolate and more than just a dash of my secret ingredient . I grow my own herbs . Everyone always asks what herb I use specifically . If I tell you it won 't be a secret anymore would it ? I say with a chuckle . I served every piece with a generous pouring of hot fudge , a scoop of French vanilla ice cream and a spray whipped cream around it . I get a knowing smile from each person as they leave the dessert table . They 've all tasted my brownies before but it 's always a new experience each time . That should hold them over for a while . I say to the other servers and walk back to the grill . 2am and the party was still lit . Second round of meat , drinks and dessert was underway . Superman and Wonder Woman were seated by the bonfire . Wonder woman 's legs stretched out towards the fire , the slit on her dress coming up to her ample thighs . She had a curious tatoo running from her left ankle up and disappearing graciously into her dress . Focus ! Don 't burn the meat Anike ! She smiles my way , I wink and smile back . Your rack of ribs is almost ready ! I shout to her . Don 't forget your special barbecue sauce ! She shouts back . She drinks that stuff like juice . That woman can eat . I love it ! The Green Lantern saved my life that night . When I heard the whoosh , at first I thought maybe superman had gone up to use the bathroom . He never just walks anywhere that one . The green , glowing alien knocked the lighter fluid out of my hands and took the lighter from my other hand . Fine then , you can light the fire yourself . I snapped at him and walked away . He came after me , swooshed in front of me on a green skateboard . Sorry Anike , I lit your fire , better get to it before it goes out again . Sorry for snapping at you , I told him and pointed to where the other aliens were seated . He turned the skateboard into green roller blades and rolled over to them . This guy with his antics , sha ! Dawn crept up on us like a teenager sneaking back home from a party she / he was forbidden to attend . As the first rays of the sun hit the ground , everyone kind of paired up with whomever was closer and headed for whoever 's home was closest . I called cabs for a few , including Mrs . Maanake . I was wrapping up the last of the meat for one of the guests to take home when her and her partner for the night walked up to the grill . Would you mind holding on to these and calling one of your cab guys for me please . She smiled as she handed me the man 's car keys . Mrs . Maanake lived on the fourth floor with her husband . Sometimes before he took his usual long business trips , he 'd come up and ask if I could check up on her once in a while . She gets lonely you know , he 'd say . Of course , tell her she can come over anytime . We 'll bake brownies , share recipes , you know , girl stuff . I 'd tell him and somehow that gave him peace of mind . Convinced him that his wife would still be his and his alone when he got back . Let me know when you 'll be coming to pick them , I tell Mrs . Maanake as I put the keys in my jeans pocket . You are such a gem Anike . She smiles and goes back to smooching the gentleman by her side . I know I 'll get the full lowdown when she gets back . I don 't know why she shares stories of her escapades with me or why I look forward to hearing them every time . I guess I like to live vicariously through her . The aliens waved from a distance signalling that they were about to take off too . Are you sure you can fly in that , Wonder Woman ? I ask her pointing to her beautiful dress and stilettos . You are a funny woman Anike . She shouts back and whoosh ! All three of the them disappear into the night 's sky . The watch - men help me clear up what 's left and carry the grill to my place . Thanks guys and good day . Good day Miss . Anike . I go into the kitchen , get a tub of pistachio ice cream , a large spoon and collapse on the couch . I was still riled up from the excitement of the night so I knew I wouldn 't be able to fall asleep for a while . So I just sat down , music playing in the background and fantasized about all the superheroes in my life ; saving me even when I 'd never admit I need saving . My best friend Lisa met a guy at a bar last night . I know ; who parties on a Sunday night right ? But the dreaded 64 - day January was over and people always need a reason to celebrate . He was quite the charmer . And , no he didn 't come up to her with the tired cliché ; " Hey babe , you look hot tonight . " He wouldn 't have gotten anywhere with that . Do people even use that anymore ? And , no he didn 't buy her a drink and insist on joining her table as some men do and think they suddenly have a right to your time and space . I mean just because I don 't have the money to dirt - ify my table ( kuchafua meza ) , doesn 't mean am not content sipping on my two drinks all night . This guy actually did something new . She had to pass by his table to go to the bathroom . So every time she got up to go to the loo , he would see her approach , smile and offer to escort her to the ladies room , wait outside , tell her not to be long and remember to wash her hands after . When she 'd get out of the washroom he would walk with her to his table then usher her to hers . Aside from asking for her number when he was about to leave , they did not exchange more than just those few sentences and a few glances and smiles from their separate tables . Even as the night grew older and the alcohol took its inevitable effect on the patrons leaving some passed out on their seats , he never lost that awkward charm . Let 's not pretend ; we have all met a few psychos in our lifetime as ladies in this big city and most would never come on too strong in the beginning . It 's when he texts you cheesy poetry at 3am in the morning followed swiftly by 10 texts asking why you are not responding that the warning lights start flashing . Or when he follows you on every social media platform including my - space and likes all your photos and posts from 2004 - 2017 and comments ' Be My Baby ' on all of them . Or when he changes his status to ' Married to * insert your name here * ' and changes his profile picture to a googled photo of yours . Thanks a lot Google ! That 's when you know you need to have 999 on speed dial and send a - ' If I disappear one day look for this man * insert psycho 's photo here * ' - multimedia text to all your friends and family . But enough of the morbid talk , what I am really trying to say is ; there are charmers out there . I hear even I , am one of them but rarely would you find someone with new game , new lines and a unique brand of charm . A simple gentlemanly act such as an escort to and from the bathroom with no form of obvious intent is a welcome change to the usual ; |
We would travel in three groups . Mom , Claire and I would fly out first , carrying the book I 'd found today . Claire reasoned that if the spell protecting the book had let me find it , then the book would probably stay with me instead of disappearing again . I finished my sandwich and started loading the dishwasher . That way , I could keep my back turned on everyone . Johan came over , carrying plates from the table . He began helping me , standing close but not speaking . As we worked side by side , I finally relaxed . At least one person in my world was who I had always thought he was . His presence comforted me more than any words could have . " Our success depends on speed and surprise , " Adam said . " We must be quick in the morning . No hesitation . Now off to bed , everyone . " Apparently , everyone was staying at my house . Johan was on the couch in the den . Adam and Ariel were in the guest room . Claire was with me again . Edward and Juliana took guard duty . I wondered when they planned to sleep , but I was too sad and exhausted to worry about it . Claire and I went upstairs , and only a few tears leaked out before I fell asleep . The next thing I knew , my mom was shaking me awake . It was still dark outside . Claire 's bed was neatly made , and her suitcase was gone . I nodded , threw back the covers and stumbled to the bathroom . I threw on a t - shirt , jeans , and my running shoes . I pulled my hair into a pony tail and tossed my make - up case in the suitcase . I picked up my new espadrilles , shrugged , and added them . I tied the arms of a lightweight fleece jacket around my waist in case I got cold on the plane . My phone , my wallet , and my passport were already in my backpack . I grabbed my suitcase and headed downstairs . As I entered the kitchen , I could smell bacon , eggs and grits . My mom was putting steaming platters of food on the table . " It 's going to be a long day , " she replied . " And you know they don 't feed you much on the plane . Eat while you can . " Adam put his finger to his lips . He and Juliana headed for the back door while my mom headed for the front door . Once outside , Adam and Juliana split up - one going left and the other going right . My mom waited at the front door until Adam yelled , " Okay , Libby , open the door ! " What ? She knew this guy ? And she also acted like she really cared that he was hurt . Okay . That was weird . Adam and Mom gently helped the guy onto our couch . He was even paler than he 'd been two days ago when I 'd seen him on the way to school . Blood oozed from two small puncture marks on his neck . As I watched in amazement , Adam held out his wrist , and the guy bit into the artery and began drinking . After a minute , he stopped and my mom took Adam 's place . After another minute , he stopped and leaned back , his eyes closed . Claire sat beside him , her face pale , holding the guy 's head in her lap . She held up her wrist , and I realized that the wound had already healed . " Okay , " I said as we reached the kitchen . " Answers , mom . I need answers . I thought that guy was a Garda . " " Yes . He 's my half - brother , and your uncle . The blood from a vampire and a Garda will heal him . That 's why Adam and I both gave him our blood . " Just then , my new - found uncle walked into the kitchen . Up close , I could see he looked a lot like my mother . He had a kind face , and twinkling blue eyes . " Because I , like you , am half - Garda and half - vampire . What happens to us is not like what happens to half - human / half - vampires . They get to choose . And many of them choose to remain human . We have no choice . We receive parts of both beings , becoming something entirely different . " Alex and my mother both laughed . " No , " he answered . " You 'll still look like you . I 'm fair because my father and mother were both fair . You look like your father , and you always will . " " We don 't know that yet , now do we ? " Alex said . " So far , so good , though . I 'm 200 years old , and I show no signs of aging . You are fast , you are strong , and you heal quickly . You may manifest other gifts later , after your 17th birthday . " Claire and I took our suitcases and stood by the front door . My new uncle stood beside her , his hand resting on her shoulder . So they knew each other , too . Adam went out to make sure that Sergio , our Velathri friend , wasn 't hiding in the bushes . Juliana checked the back yard , and Johan joined us awkwardly in the hall . I looked at him . " This isn 't what I thought summer vacation would be like , " I said . As the taxi pulled up , Adam waved all clear to us . My mom went first , then Claire . Uncle Alex followed , helping the cab driver load the luggage in the trunk . As I took the handle of my suitcase , preparing to step off the porch , Johan leaned down swiftly and kissed me on the cheek . As I turned toward him in surprise , he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me . I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned my head on his chest , realizing he was tall enough for his chin to rest on the top of my head . Wow . When had that happened ? I turned and ran down the steps , feeling confused but peaceful , too . Like the world had just righted itself . I folded myself into the back seat beside Claire , trying not to look at her . I was sure my face was bright red , and the last thing I needed was questions about why , when I wasn 't really sure myself what had just happened . " We 're going to the airport , " my mom told the driver . " International terminal . " We were silent on the ride to the airport . It was still dark outside , and traffic was light . I could see a sliver of light edging over the horizon , turning the sky pink . I concentrated on breathing slowly and getting my emotions under control . Hopefully my mom and Claire would think my confusion was due to fear . Johan 's embrace had left a storm of emotions in its wake . He had always been there , a part of my life . Our mothers had been friends since before we were born . We 'd been pushed down King Street side by side in strollers even before we would walk , as our moms went shopping and out for coffee together . Later , as toddlers , we 'd played in either his kitchen or mine as our moms visited . We 'd gone to school together since kindergarten . I 'd always thought of him as , well , kind of as a brother . But his arms around me had felt like more than just friendship . And my reaction told me that somewhere deep inside , I felt the same way . I was glad I wouldn 't see him for a couple of days , because I needed some time to let this new knowledge sink in . As we pulled up to the International Terminal of the Charleston airport , I realized that until now , to me , Claire had been my best friend . I 'd shared everything with her . But she wasn 't really a 17 - year - old girl . And she wasn 't just a protector . She was the perfect chaperone . I stared at the back of my mom 's head . Super sneaky , there , mom , I thought , narrowing my eyes . And maybe , just maybe , that was why Johan had never let me know how he really felt about me . He 'd known I 'd tell Claire . But now I wouldn 't . Some things were private , and not meant for the ears of ancient beings who 'd known my mom who knows how many centuries - and probably told her everything I had ever confided . Okay , now that made me angry . Having a Garda as a best friend was turning out to be bad in lots of different ways . A super powerful nanny disguised as someone my own age was more like it . She had said she loved me like a daughter . Yeah , I was beginning to understand what that meant . My mom paid the taxi driver , and we lined up at the Lufthansa counter . Flying the German airline to Italy would be unexpected , and we hoped that would throw off anyone who might be watching our movements . Claire looked around , on alert as my mom checked us in . All of our luggage could be carried on - nothing to check , nothing to slow us down at the airport in Rome . My mom walked us toward security at double time . It was so early , there were only a few people in the airport . A young couple with a baby was going through security ahead of us . The security guard was going over the stroller and diaper bag as though the infant were hiding grenades between his diapers and wipes . An elderly couple came to stand in line behind us . Claire gave them a sharp look , then went back to scanning the area around us . We walked through the metal detectors and collected our belongings . As I straightened up after tying my sneakers , I realized Claire and my mom had moved ahead of me . I grabbed my backpack and suitcase and hurried after them . The only warning I had was a flash of movement on my left , and then everything went black . I couldn 't see . I couldn 't breathe . I realized something had been put over my head . I let go of my suitcase to pull at whatever was over my head , and I heard a clatter as my suitcase fell over . Suddenly , the hands holding me down released me . I managed to pull the cloth sack off of my head , and saw Claire had pinned my attacker . He groaned as she twisted his arms . I smiled at the stewardess , trying to look like I hadn 't almost been abducted on my way to board her plane . She looked at my ticket , and said brightly , " About halfway down on the left . If you need help putting your suitcase in the overhead bin , let me know ! " The man who was sitting in the seat behind me lifted my suitcase up for me . I didn 't really need the help , but I thought it might be better if I didn 't let anyone know that . I sat down in the window seat , fastened my seatbelt , and waited for my mom and Claire . The plane gradually filled . Passengers trickled in , found spots for their suitcases , settled in to their seats , held whispered conversations , pulled out books , sent last - minute text messages . But the two seats beside me remained empty . Where were my mom and Claire ? They were supposed to be right behind me . I saw the two stewardesses holding a whispered conversation at the front of the cabin . Then the one who had welcomed me onto the plane closed the door and locked it . " I 'm sorry , " she said . " We paged the airport , and we 've waited 10 minutes past the time we should have left the gate . We have to leave now . " " We can 't . It 's too late , " she said . " I 'm sorry . They 'll have to catch the next flight . " We took Anson Street back , avoiding the more crowded areas so Claire could watch for anyone who might be following us . The noises of the city receded into the distance as the neighborhood became less commercial and more residential . The streets were empty as it wasn 't quite time for people to begin coming home from work . Claire stopped two houses from mine , stepping behind a six - foot tall hedge of camellia bushes and motioning for us to follow . " Ouch , " I whispered as Johan stepped on my foot . " Sorry , " he whispered back . " Shhhh ! " Claire hissed . I peered over her shoulder , trying to see what she was staring at . A man dressed like the guy who had followed us into the bookstore was walking back and forth in front of my house , his long dark coat flapping behind him each time he turned . Was it the same man ? I tried to catch a glimpse of his face , but Claire was in the way . " Wait , Katie , " Claire said , blocking me with her arm . " She 's safe as long as she 's inside . Just hold on and let me think . " I clutched Johan 's arm , standing on my toes as I strained to see what the dark man was doing . Just then , Johan 's parents turned the corner onto Elizabeth Street from the other end . I heard Johan suck in a breath . He took a step toward the street , but I was holding on to his arm so tightly he had to stop . Claire motioned for us to stay where we were . She began to drift closer to the dark man , who had turned to watch Edward and Juliana approach . They didn 't hesitate as they walked toward him . " Where is it ? " the man hissed at them as they neared . " Where is what ? " Edward asked . He and Juliana stood calmly , arms held loosely at their sides . I noticed they were dressed oddly , in dark , close - fitting pants and shirts . I realized the stranger was wearing the same outfit under his long coat . What was with the black outfit ? Some kind of vampire uniform ? Suddenly , a blonde woman who glowed so brightly I had to look away stepped between the stranger and Johan 's parents . " Leave this place , " she said . " We do not have what you seek . " The dark man hissed , then turned on his heel and disappeared . I stared . He was just gone . How had he done that ? And where was Claire ? I 'd been so focused on the dark man and Johan 's parents I 'd lost sight of her . Wait . Claire was standing where the bright woman had been a second ago . CLAIRE was the glowing woman . " You can let go any time now , " Johan said to me . I realized I had his arm in a death grip . " Oh , sorry , " I said , letting go . He rubbed where my hands had been . He had a point . I would have thought he was mistaken , hallucinating , or teasing me . Now , however , I 'd seen it for myself . " The Velathri apparently think we have the book , " Edward said gravely . " It 's definitely in Charleston . There 's unusual movement in the supernatural world here . But we were unable to get a lock on it . " I turned that over in my mind as we straggled in to the kitchen . My mom , Adam and Ariel were already there . " What did you buy ? " my mom asked , looking at the Half - Moon Outfitters bag in my hand . " Oh , Libby , it is time , " Ariel said . " You cannot keep her a child forever . I think it is lovely , " she added , turning to me . " But what else is in the bag ? " " Oh , a book my dad wrote , " I said , pulling it out and putting it on the table in front of me . " But while we were there , someone came in the store and asked about the book Johan lost , " Claire said . " We were in the back , so I led Katie and Johan out through the tunnels , and he never saw us . But I don 't think it was Sergio . " " I was holding it when the Vel … um , that guy came in the bookstore . I guess I panicked . I didn 't realize I had it in my hand when we ran , " I said . " It 's one of Dad 's . " " Hmmm , " Ariel said . " It must have a spell on it . When enemies get close , it reappears in another place . I have heard of such spells . That is very powerful magic . I wonder how your father managed it ? " " Someone or something obviously wanted you to find it . That may be part of the spell . But if we are to keep it in our possession , we must keep it safe . Otherwise , it will disappear again , " Ariel said . Claire shrugged . " We were doing what normal teenagers do when they 're out of school . And while we were there , a man dressed like a tourist bumped into Katie and cut the strap on her purse . We decided he probably wasn 't a real tourist . But there was nothing to identify her in the purse - just some money . " There was silence as her news sank in . " Where is it ? " Adam said , looking angry . " It is far too dangerous to have them this close to each other outside Montepulciano . " " This is bad , " Adam said . " We have to travel separately , each group with one of the books . The Velathri getting one would be bad , but the Velathri getting both would be disaster . We must leave as soon as we can - tomorrow morning if possible . " Well , this just sucked . I hadn 't been thrilled about the summer in Italy to begin with , but adding in evil vampires who wanted to kill me just made it so much better . And missing graduation was the last straw . I knew I was acting like a whiny brat , but I couldn 't help myself . I had never asked to be some kind of vampire hero . I 'd been kept in the dark about who I really was , and now everyone was acting like I should feel honored to have my entire life , everything I 'd ever believed about myself and my family , ripped to shreds . " I know , honey , " she said gently . " But this is more important . I 'll call Principal Puckett and let him know you and Claire won 't be there . I 'll tell him there was a death in the family . " I felt tears prick the back of my eyelids . I so did not want to cry in front of these people . I turned and ran up the stairs , slamming my door and throwing myself on my bed . I let the tears come , crying over graduation , but also crying over my lost future , letting go of the fantasy that I was a normal human girl who would grow up to do normal human things . Eventually , I sat up and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand . I went in the bathroom and splashed my face with cold water . My eyes and nose were red , my face swollen from crying . Great , I looked like a clown . Not that it mattered . I 'm sure the Velathri wouldn 't care what I looked like when they came to kill me . Claire knocked softly , then opened the door and came in , closing the door behind her . " Are you okay ? " she said . " I know this is hard . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . You were supposed to be told about your heritage by your parents , you were supposed to go to classes … " " History classes . Classes where you 'd learn all the stuff that I 've tried to tell you yesterday and today . There 's a lot more you need to know , but it can wait . Right now , you need to come downstairs and eat . We 'll tell you the plan for tomorrow , then we all need to get some sleep . " " Yes . Something else . Maybe not my friend at all , " I said . " What 's real and what 's not ? I 'm upset not just because I might become a vampire , although I find that incredibly gross , but it seems that none of my relationships are what I thought they were , either . " " You think ? " I snorted , then realized that was a really bad idea right after a crying jag . I stood up and went into the bathroom to blow my nose . " No , it 's not , " Claire said . " And I 'm sorry you feel betrayed . But this deception was necessary for me to be close to you on a daily basis . It was my assignment to keep you safe . " I had my answer . We weren 't and had never been best friends . I was her assignment . She loved me like a daughter . Maybe she should just go ahead and drop the teen look , too . But now it was time to go downstairs . I woke up to find sunlight streaming through the window of my room , and the other bed empty . I took a quick shower and put on my favorite khaki shorts and a red t - shirt . I ran downstairs to find Johan and Claire sitting at the kitchen table . Willow was curled up in Johan 's lap , purring . " More than a hobby , " Claire said . " They have protective power . Have you ever wondered why the doorways to your house have carvings on the stone stoops ? " " Charleston is old for America , but it 's just a baby compared to cities in Europe , " Claire said . " The carved stones at your house came from Ireland , and are thousands of years old . The specific carving is a triskelion . It 's really important in Celtic legend . Ask your mother . She 's done a lot of research and even published a few articles on it . " I laughed . " We 'll skip it since you 're with us . What else can we do ? " I asked as I pulled the Cheerios from the pantry . I looked down at the yellow box in my hand . It was so normal , so reassuring . I remembered yesterday morning , eating Cheerios before I headed to school for the last day of my junior year … wow , was that really just yesterday ? Maybe it had been a dream … but Johan and Claire were sitting in front of me . And Johan was drinking a can of tomato juice . I tried not to think about what that meant . Yuck . " Nah , it 's not dangerous , " he said . " There 's a bookstore downtown . It sells used and antique books . What if someone stole the book out of my backpack , thinking it was just some old book they could sell for some extra money ? I mean , I know it 's not likely , but it 's worth a try . " I finished my cereal and ran upstairs to brush my hair into a ponytail and put on my running shoes . I looked longingly at my new espadrilles . But a day walking around downtown Charleston , possibly being chased by mysterious guys in black coats ? I decided comfort and speed were more important than style . I grabbed a small purse out of my closet , and added a brush , lip gloss , and a change purse with some cash in it . I didn 't want to unpack my regular wallet , which was already stashed in my carry - on bag , ready for the trip to Italy . I looped the narrow strap over my head and across my right shoulder , and ran down the stairs . " Okay , I 'm ready , " I told Claire and Johan . The three of us headed out the front door . I locked it behind me , pushing aside the unwelcome thought that a lock wasn 't going to keep out the really dangerous creatures . I looked down at the three swirls carved into the stone stoop in front of the door … more powerful than a lock ? Maybe Claire 's talk this morning hadn 't just been boring history stuff . But I wasn 't going to tell her that . " Absolutely not , " Claire said . " It 's my job to protect the two of you . I 'll call one of the others and have them come search while we keep shopping . " " I just want to check for the book . " Johan had a familiar stubborn set to his mouth . " I lost it . It 's my responsibility to get it back . " Claire and I started after him , but he 'd already reached the front door . He tried it , rattling the doorknob when he found it locked . Johan shrugged and started around the house toward the back door . I followed Claire as she walked carefully around the side of the house . The back yard was empty , and the back door was open . Claire and I shared an exasperated glance , then tip - toed up the back steps . Claire motioned for silence with her hand . The back door opened into a kitchen that looked like it had never been used . It was spotless , the stainless steel sink and faucets gleaming as the morning sun streamed in the window . Claire whipped around at the sound of footsteps , but it was just Johan coming down the stairs . " There 's nobody here , " he said , disappointment in his voice . " Okay , then , let 's go , " Claire said . " And don 't go off by yourself like that again , Johan . The Velathri don 't mess around . " We exited the back door , closing it behind us . We followed Claire up the side of the house . She looked around as we crossed the street , sniffing the air as she turned her head from side to side . Her movements were smooth , almost feline . How had I never noticed this about my best friend ? Or was she just not hiding her true identity anymore ? " If I 'm so special , why don 't I feel special ? Why don 't I have superpowers ? " I asked , partly joking , but mostly not . Ok - aaay . I was the fastest person on the track team except for Bryan Blalock , a senior who would be graduating on Saturday . " Bryan 's faster than me , " I said . Johan laughed . " No . Some people just like tomato juice . And it is healthy . If you 're human . But no one at our school is human . At least , not completely . " " No , you 're half fairy and half vampire . You 've just been raised to believe you 're human , " Claire said . " Everyone in your school - teachers and students - have at least one supernatural parent . " " But you should have , remember ? " Johan said . " The time you fell off the monkey bars in first grade ? When you ran your bicycle into the side of a car in third grade ? A moving car ? And the time you fell out of a tree in sixth grade ? Don 't you think you should have broken a bone at least one of those times ? " As I turned that over in my mind , we reached Ann Street and turned toward King Street . On King , we took a left , heading toward the market . Johan wasn 't sure exactly where the bookstore was , but he said he knew it was near the shopping district . About two blocks down , Johan stopped . " That 's it , " he said , pointing at a narrow storefront beside a coffee shop . " Where ? " I said . " I don 't see a bookstore . " The building he pointed to was brick , with a glass door in a wooden frame and a large front window . There were a few books in the window , but none of them were on the New York Times Bestseller List . Some of them were downright ragged looking . A hand - lettered sign encouraged us to " Seek Shade . " Not bad advice for June in Charleston , but still . This was the place we were looking for ? " Blue Bicycle ? What kind of name is that for a bookstore ? " I asked . " I don 't know . I didn 't name it , " Johan said irritably . " Come on , let 's go in . " Finally , she opened her eyes . " I can 't tell , " she said . " I think it 's safe , but I 'm not sure . Stay near me . " A bell chimed as we pushed open the door . A large orange cat napping on the counter raised its head , regarding us sleepily . It purred as I scratched its ears . As we walked toward him , I realized the store was much larger than it appeared from outside . It was long and narrow , a series of rooms , each holding a different genre of book . Wooden ladders that slid along metal tracks let you climb up to reach books on the shelves near the ceiling . I didn 't think I 'd ever seen this many books crammed into such a small space in my life . William went very still , his eyes the only movement as he looked at each of our faces in turn . Finally , he spoke . " Yes , I have seen this book . But not here , and not in this century , " he said cautiously . " Wait , what do you mean by ' not in this century ? ' " I asked . " The last time I saw this book , it was in Rome in the year 1012 . I owned a bookshop there , and someone sold it to me . If I saw it again , I would not buy it . " " Because it nearly cost me my life , my dear . My bookshop was burned by those seeking the book , and I spent centuries in hiding . Eventually , I made my way to the New World , and opened another bookshop here in Charles Towne . Now tell me . How did you come by this book ? " " No , William , we need to find it , " Claire said gently . " We can 't let it fall into the wrong hands . " " I 'm just a merchant , " William said . " I avoid politics . I just want to live in peace , and sell books . " " I 'm sorry , my dear , " William said to Claire . " I cannot be involved . But feel free to browse . There are many interesting books in my shop . Books not so dangerous . " I shrugged , and moved into the third room of the shop . A small hand - lettered sign told me I was in the room of Myths and Legends . The titles ranged from serious research to recent fiction : Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief , Harry Potter and the Sorcerer 's Stone , City of Bones , Twilight … " Because they give us insight into what humans are thinking about the supernatural world . Some humans are gifted - they see beyond the mundane . Not everything in each book is true , but certain elements are . " Claire stiffened . She jerked her head toward the back of the store . I looked toward the front , and saw a tall man in a black coat talking to William . He was dressed like the blond man , but he looked nothing like him . This man had dark hair , dark eyes , and a dark look on his face . Velathri ? I didn 't know , and I really didn 't want to find out . I stood frozen as the man leaned toward William , menace in every movement . " You know who I am , " the man said . His voice was low and gravely . Chills ran up my spine as he spoke . I knew we couldn 't let the man see us . I began to edge toward the back room of the store , a messy office with stacks of unshelved books stacked head - high . Maybe we could hide in there . Claire and Johan slipped through the door just ahead of me . I tore myself from the scene in front of me , and looked at what Claire was doing . She 'd opened a trapdoor hidden under a throw rug , and Johan was already halfway down the stairs . I followed him , and Claire hooked the throw rug to the handle of the trapdoor with a loop that must have been put there for that purpose , and pulled both down over our heads . " Fine . Just follow me , " she said , leading the way toward the back of the underground room . Behind a bookshelf , there was a door that led to a tunnel . I wanted to know more , but considering the possibility of mortal danger , I decided to just roll with it for now . " What 's that ? " Johan said , pointing at the book I was holding . I looked down . I 'd forgotten I even had it in my hand . I held it up . " It 's okay . William will understand . If it makes you feel better , you can return it or pay him for it later , " Claire said . " And if we go back right now , we put him in danger as well , not just us . Come on , we 've got to get out of here . " " Garda must know all the escape routes of a city where they live . We 're quite capable of fighting , but the results are hard to explain to human investigators . And the memories of any humans who happen to witness an altercation must be erased . It causes an incredible amount of work . So we prefer stealth , " Claire said . " Now come . " We followed her gentle glow down a maze of tunnels . I could see palmetto bugs , which are Charleston 's very own version of giant scary roaches , fleeing the light Claire emitted . I shuddered . I was glad when we finally reached a ladder that led to another trapdoor . I tucked the book into the waistband of my shorts , and climbed up behind Johan . He pushed on the trapdoor , lifting it cautiously . We quickly climbed out , shutting the trapdoor behind us . I stood up and looked around . We were in what appeared to be the storage room of a restaurant . I sniffed . A pizza restaurant . I looked at the boxes stacked on shelves around me . The Mellow Mushroom . Claire cracked the storeroom door , peeked out , and waved us through . We were standing beside the restroom doors . To the right was the kitchen , and to the left was the dining room . It was lunchtime . We could hear the clink of glasses and the hum of conversation from the dining room . A waiter stopped , staring at us . " Can I help you ? " he asked . He was young , probably a college student waiting tables as a summer job . His nametag said Robbie . " Yes , I think we got lost , " Claire said , giving him her brightest smile . " Is there a table free ? We 'd like to eat . " " Sure . I just cleaned one right here , " he said , pointing to a table just inside the dining room , well away from the front windows . Most people would consider it the worst seat in the house , but then most people weren 't hiding from vampires who wanted to kill them . " Perfect , " Claire said . " Thank you , Robbie . " She led us toward the table , grabbing three menus from the waiter 's station as she walked by . As we settled ourselves into the chairs , I asked , " So what are we doing now ? " " Put it in your purse , " she said . " We 'll return it another time . We can 't go back to the bookstore today . They may be watching it . And besides , we have bigger problems to deal with . " " Sure , " Claire said . " And you didn 't mention this earlier ? Why haven 't I seen it before ? Do you turn it on and off ? " We fell silent as Robbie came to take our order . He soon returned with three Cokes and a large pepperoni and mushroom pizza . Looking at the pizza , I realized I was starving . That bowl of Cheerios hadn 't lasted very long . Johan and I made small talk , discussing music and books and college choices while we ate . Claire kept her eyes on the front window , joining in our conversation occasionally without looking at us . Soon , the pizza was gone . " You guys stay here , " she said . " I 'm going to go up front and pay . I 'll look around while I 'm there to make sure we 're clear to leave . " I stopped in front of Half - Moon Outfitters . A mannequin in the window was wearing a sleeveless black dress made of some kind of knit , wrinkle - free fabric . It had a scoop neck and was snug through the bodice , flaring slightly at the hem , which looked like it would hit about six inches above my knees . I found an empty dressing room slid the dress over my head . I loved it . It fit perfectly , and I 'd been right about the mature factor . I looked 25 , not almost 17 . Hmmm . Except for the pony tail and running shoes . I pulled the elastic out of my hair and fluffed my curls with my fingers . I slipped off my shoes and stepped out into the store barefooted , twirling to show off the dress to Claire . " Oh . " Johan sounded like he 'd been punched in the stomach . He 'd rejoined Claire while I was in the dressing room . Now he was standing there with a blank look on his face . I narrowed my eyes at him . I watched him walk toward the door , wondering what was wrong . I shrugged and decided not to let Johan 's reaction bother me . What do guys know about dresses , anyway ? I changed back into my t - shirt and shorts , pulling my hair up into its habitual ponytail . I took the dress to the counter , and had to dig around the book to get to my money . I paid , then on impulse put the book into the shopping bag that held the dress . That was better . It made my purse lighter , too , so the strap didn 't cut into my shoulder so much . We exited the store and turned onto Market Street . The crowds of tourists were thickest here . Restaurants , shops , and of course the Market itself drew them like moths to flame . We maneuvered our way down the crowded sidewalks , admiring the nimble fingers of women weaving sea grass into baskets . We swerved around a kid who 'd stopped in the middle of the sidewalk while he tried to catch the drips from a rapidly melting ice cream cone . The narrow one - way streets were clogged with more pedestrians , bicyclists , horse - drawn carriages , and of course the few brave ( or foolish ) souls in cars attempting to find parking . June is my favorite month in Charleston . School is out , it 's not too hot and humid ( yet ) , and the biting insects have not had time to multiply . I took a deep breath , breathing in the scents around me - waffle cones , the stables the carriage horses lived in , the briny smell of the marsh that was just a couple of blocks away . The trees were bright green and the sky was turquoise , washed clean by spring rains . The clouds were so fluffy and white they looked Photoshopped . We stopped at the fudge shop and took the salesgirl up on her offer of a free sample . I sighed . This was how I had planned to spend my summer . All of it , not just this afternoon . " No problem , " I said , stepping back . The man was short and round . The top of his bald head was turning pink in the Charleston sun , and sweat poured off of him like he 'd just run a 10K . His smile didn 't quite reach his eyes , which were small and close - set . I wondered why visitors to Charleston felt it necessary to wear Hawaiian shirts . Hello ! We 're on the East Coast ! Atlantic Ocean ! Original thirteen states here ! We are not anywhere near those Polynesian islands in the Pacific Ocean that make up the state of Hawaii , which was , by the way , the last state to join the Union . Okay , so we 're proud of our history in Charleston . But I get tired of people thinking a beach is a beach is a beach . As I finished my little internal rant , Hawaiian shirt guy turned and disappeared into the crowd . " At least I still have William 's book , " I said . " I put it in the bag with my dress . I would feel so bad if it got stolen before I could return it ! But my money is gone . And I liked that purse ! " " So not from here … but probably not a real tourist , " Claire said . " Tourists don 't steal teenage girls ' purses . They 're too busy making sure their own pockets don 't get picked . " " Yeah . And his outfit was almost too perfect - like he was trying to look like a tourist , " I said thoughtfully . " All he was missing was a straw hat . " When I opened them again , I was lying on the floor . My mom held a cold washcloth on my forehead while Claire fanned me with a magazine . " Ariel , you should have let Libby tell her , " Claire hissed . I pushed myself into a sitting position . " Let 's just get on with it , " I said , unsteadily getting to my feet . " I 'd like to know everything . Now . " I wasn 't sure I agreed with her methods , but at least I was finally getting the truth . I nodded at her and took my seat at the table , folding my hands in front of me while I waited for the others to sit back down . Johan sat beside me , looking as shocked as I felt . It occurred to me that he hadn 't known everything , either . " He 's right , Katie , " Mom said . " It 's time . I 've raised you to fit into this culture , the culture of the South , but in our culture , where people live for centuries , we go by first names . " I tried to gather my thoughts . I had so many questions , I didn 't know where to start . I looked around the table and took a deep breath . " We 're all older than we look , " Edward answered . " Vampires age , but very slowly . I am close to 400 years old . Juliana is 300 this year . " " Babies are very rare among vampires . But Johan is really 16 years old . Which is why he thought he could handle finding the book by himself , " Edward said . I looked at Johan , who had gone to nursery school with me . At least that part of my life had been real . Well , if you ignored the whole " he 's a vampire " part , anyway . " I 'm sorry , " Johan said , looking at his dad . " I heard you and mom talking about the book , and how to get it from the library , and I thought I could help . Miss Bell likes me . " I looked from Adam to Ariel to Claire to my mom . Every single one of them was fair - skinned , blonde and blue - eyed . " He had blonde hair and blue eyes , " I said . " He looked like all of you . " I looked down at my tanned arm , and thought of my brown eyes and dark hair . If I became a Garda when I turned 17 , would I suddenly become blonde and blue - eyed ? But I had more pressing questions to ask . " Yeah , he was there . But he 's the one who saved me . The other guy would have killed me if he hadn 't shown up . " " There was another guy at the house when I got there , " Johan said . " Not a vampire . Something else , but still really strong . He was … I don 't know , ruthless . He picked me up and threw me out of my bedroom window like it was nothing . He was coming after me when the other guy showed up , and they both took off . " " We don 't know , " she said slowly . " It appears the Velathri are searching for it , which means they don 't have it . Yet . As for where it is … " " That , we will attempt to find out tomorrow , " Adam said . " We should rest . It 's almost midnight , and tomorrow will be a busy day . " There went my two days of leisure between the last day of school on Wednesday and graduation on Saturday . Claire and I had never gotten pedicures . I had more shopping to do to get ready for a summer in Italy … but it appeared those plans were on hold . Maybe forever . " I need to let Anthony know what 's happening , " my mom said . Anthony is my dad . " No , it 's too dangerous , " Adam replied . " Phones , email , texts can all be intercepted . " " I have already sent him a message through other channels , " Edward said . " It 's slower than modern technology , but safer . He should get it by tomorrow . " " Somehow , the Velathri have been alerted , " Adam said . " At least to the existence of the book Johan had . We hope they remain unaware of the other book , and of you . " " More to the point , they don 't know about your mother . They believe she is simply human , not Garda . So they think you are half - human , half - vampire , and that she intends to keep you in the dark about your heritage , so you will remain human . They 're simply watching to be sure this is what happens . I sat in silence , absorbing what he had said . So my parents had kept this huge secret from me to keep me safe . But now , my dad wanted me in Italy . Well , that was interesting . And of course it was Montepulciano , not San Francisco or Hawaii or someplace else I 'd never been before and would really like to visit . I sighed . It felt so normal - so much a part of my old life - to have her there . But everything was different . She wasn 't really my age . Her parents weren 't really her parents . My brain was so stuffed with new information , I was sure I 'd never get to sleep . I had so many more questions for Claire . I yawned . I 'd just close my eyes for a minute … We walked out 30 minutes later with shoeboxes swinging from our hands . We 'd each bought a pair of strappy sandals , perfect to offset summer tans . We 'd also bought espadrilles - very retro , but very cool , too . And perfect for Italy . Which reminded me . " Well … " Claire hesitated . " Let 's just say they 're traditionalists . There 's some history you need to know . And then we need to go talk to your mom . " " Three times ? When ? Where ? " " This morning on the way to school , at school right before the door was ripped off of Johan 's locker , and then at Johan 's house , " I said . " Is he the one who hurt Johan ? " " Uh , you 'll , um , have to ask Johan that , " Claire said , not meeting my eyes . " Let 's go to my house . I have something to show you . " Claire led the way to her house , around the corner from mine on Chapel Street . Her parents weren 't home from work yet , so we went straight to her room . I looked around , wondering how an ancient being 's room could look so much like a teenage girl 's . Clean clothes were stacked in the two arm chairs grouped by the window seat . Her bed was rumpled and unmade , and dirty clothes filled the hamper , trailing onto the floor . Those stupid Etruscans again , I thought . It was their fault my summer had been ruined . How could a civilization that had ended thousands of years ago be causing so much trouble ? It was all very annoying . " Look closely . The names aren 't place names - they 're family names . Different vampire families control different areas of the world . The oldest families are in Italy . For centuries , the Velathri have pretty much overseen the entire vampire world . Nobody voted - it just kind of evolved that way . They had the power ; they used it . But about 100 years ago , technology began changing the way humans - and other beings - interact with each other . The automobile , the airplane , the internet , cell phones , Skype - it 's much easier to visit and stay in touch with other areas of the world than it used to be . " " There have always been half - vampires , and the Velathri have always disapproved . But families used to simply leave Italy . They 'd move to another part of Europe , or take a ship to the U . S . or Canada . Some even settled in Australia and New Zealand . And the Velathri were fine with that , as long as they controlled Italy . " But now , their influence is wider . And they 're purists . They don 't like half - vampires - children who may or may not know about the hidden vampire side of the world , children who may or may not grow up to be vampires themselves . How much these children know , how much they 'll reveal to the rest of the world , and what they 'll do when they reach 17 is unpredictable . And the Velathri don 't like unpredictability . They like certainty . They like control . " " Your dad put it there . The librarian thinks it 's an old book on Irish history , and it is , I guess . Your dad didn 't think it would be safe in Europe , and he wanted you to be able to read it when you were old enough . And he thought the reference section of a high school library would be a safe hiding place , " Claire said . " Ireland ? Irish history ? I thought we were talking about Italy and vampires , " I said , confused . " Well , I 'm really sorry to inconvenience you , " I said through gritted teeth . " But we are talking about my ENTIRE LIFE here . " " I think I 'll let your mother take it from here , " Claire said . " Let 's go back to the book Johan lost . It 's the companion book to this one . " She pointed to the book I held . " Your dad found them on one of his digs . There 's supposed to be a third one , but your dad hasn 't been able to find it . " " Well , vampires they don 't like . Garda , like me . And all the other creatures listed in the books - witches , wizards , werewolves , trolls , giants … " But of course . If vampires really existed , then the other creatures had to as well . I closed my eyes and took a deep breath . I 'd written my English paper on Celtic myths , and that 's exactly what I 'd thought those creatures were - myths , stories , an ancient culture 's attempt to explain natural phenomena that modern science had demystified . I felt like the earth was crumbling under my feet - the world as I had thought it existed was a lie . Instead , a world of danger and legend had been going on around me while I naively worried about what color nail polish would look best . I decided to worry about what else was out there later . Claire sighed . " He wasn 't supposed to . Your dad had a witch place a spell around your school , to protect both you and the book . " " Yes , Katie , " Claire said patiently . " The books were lost for a long time . Everyone thought all three of them were destroyed when Mt . Vesuvius buried Pompeii . But apparently some enterprising vampires snuck them out , at least the two your dad has found , before the lava reached the town 's library , and hid them in separate areas of Europe . " Your dad found the first one , the one you 're holding , about 20 years ago . It was hidden in a Catholic monastery outside of Rome . He found the other one a year ago , in a grotto in Ireland . Remember when he came to visit at the beginning of junior year ? He brought the book and hid it in the school library then . " I grabbed my Bob Ellis shopping bag , and we headed for my house . As we walked , another thought occurred to me . " Do the Velathri know you have one of the books ? " I asked . " No , and neither does Johan . So don 't say anything , " Claire said . " If the Velathri knew they were both in Charleston , they would do anything to get them . They might even start a full - scale war among supernatural beings . And if there 's a supernatural war , humans get hurt , too . " So this was a lot bigger than just me . I felt like I 'd aged about 10 years in the past 10 hours . Not only was there a whole other world out there , but it was on the verge of a war , over two books my dad had unearthed . " I know , " Claire agreed . " And I 'm sorry you had to find out like this . Usually , children are taught these things little by little as they grow up , and have years to absorb what you 've just learned today . I don 't know why your parents decided to keep you in the dark . " As we walked up the front steps , my mom threw open the front door . " Katie , Claire ! " She exclaimed . " You 're okay ! " As my mother threw her arms around me , I saw Johan and his parents , Edward and Juliana Meyer , standing in our parlor . Johan looked like his dad - light brown hair , green eyes , a dusting of freckles across his nose . His dad 's hair was shorter than Johan 's , and he wore a pair of wire - rim glasses , but that was about the only difference . He was the image of a forgetful college professor , but I guess that , like everything else , was a lie - or just partly true . Mrs . Meyer was beautiful . Her smooth dark hair was pulled into an elegant chignon . She wore a red dress that showed off her tan skin and brown eyes , and matching red lipstick . I looked at them with new eyes , trying to fit together my years of knowing them as simply my friend 's parents with what I had learned earlier that day . " Of course we 're okay , " Claire said . Then she saw the Meyers . " What happened ? " she said , squeezing past me and my mom , who was still standing in the doorway refusing to let go of me . " Johan told us the book is missing , " Mr . Meyer said . " This is serious , and we need to talk about it . Your parents are on the way over , Claire . " Mom let go of me and turned toward Mr . and Mrs . Meyer . " Let 's go into the kitchen , " she said . " I 've got supper ready , and there 's enough for everyone . " Mom had prepared a huge pot of spaghetti , salad , and a platter full of garlic bread . Had she known there would be more than three of us ? It certainly looked like it . I shot her a look , but she was busy setting the table and I couldn 't catch her eye . We sat down and filled our plates . The room was quiet for a few minutes as we all ate . Every person at the table seemed familiar with the European custom of twirling noodles with spoon and fork . Huh . I 'd never noticed that before . I was pretty sure my other American friends didn 't know how to do that . In fact , my friend Bethany 's mom didn 't even put out spoons when she served pasta . I 'd always assumed my mom had picked up the custom from my dad . I snuck another look at my mom , but she kept her eyes on her plate . Suddenly , she jumped up and headed for the front door . " I hear the Corbetts , " she said over her shoulder . " I 'll get the door . " I hadn 't heard anything . What was she talking about ? But sure enough , when she opened the door , Claire 's parents were standing there . She must really be on edge , I thought . " No , I am French , " Ariel said . " The cooking I do is much superior . " Funny . I 'd never noticed the slight accent that colored her words . So these guys all knew each other . And they 'd apparently been in Italy together at some point in their lives . I narrowed my eyes at my mother . She looked the other way , pretending she didn 't notice me trying to imitate the death stare she 'd used on me when I was younger . " I saw that guy this morning , on my way to school , " I said . I described seeing him enter the house near the school , while I waited for the light to change . " And I thought I saw him in the school while we were on the way to the gym , " I added . " Actually , Katherine is unique , " Mrs . Corbett said , studying me as though I were a bug under a microscope . " Vampire - Garda children are rare . We do not know what will happen when she turns 17 . " O - kaaaay . She 'd said vampire - Garda , not vampire - human . I looked around the table . The Meyers - Edward , Juliana , and Johan - were vampires . The Corbetts - Adam , Ariel and Claire - were Garda . And if I was half vampire , half Garda , and I knew my dad was a vampire , then that made my mom … I looked at her . Her face was serious as she returned my gaze . Garda . My mom was an ancient being who protected others . An Irish fairy , if I believed Claire . I closed my eyes , feeling faint . Really ? How could she think about shoes when I 'd just found out I was a half - vampire and some crazy guy in a black cloak was loose in the city tearing the doors off lockers and breaking people 's arms ? Okay , one locker and one arm . Still , shoes ? It was my mom . I checked myself in the mirror . Amazing . I still looked like the same girl who 'd left for school this morning . I ran a comb through my hair , surprised that I looked so normal , and answered , " Yeah , Mom ? " " Did you get your shoes yet ? " she asked , opening the door to my bedroom . She came in and sat down on the edge of my bed . Wow . She was thinking about shoes , too . I shook my head . " Okay . I 'm going to take a shower and grade some papers , then , " She said , getting up and heading for her room . " We 'll eat supper when you get back . Claire 's welcome to stay if she wants . " I waited for my mom to leave the room , then walked downstairs . Shoot . I realized I 'd left my backpack at Johan 's . My cell phone had been in my pocket , but my wallet was in the backpack . Just then , the doorbell rang . Claire stood there with my backpack in her hand . She thought of everything . I guess that was part of her job , though , as a protector . Huh . No wonder she was always so organized . I opened the door and stepped out . I pulled my wallet out of the backpack , tucking it into the purse I 'd slung over my shoulder . I tossed the backpack inside , locking the door behind me . " Not so loud , " Claire said in a low voice , looking around . " But don 't worry . My parents take turns keeping watch over her . She 's as safe as you are . " " Garda , " she said . " Yes , they are . And they 're not really my parents . In reality , we 're all about the same age . " " I understand . You 've absorbed a lot today . But to answer your question . Your dad is not just a vampire . He 's a Stregoni Benefici . " " Stregoni Benefici , " Claire repeated slowly . " Literally translated , it means beneficent wizard . What that means to you is that he 's a member of a vampire branch that works to protect humans from creatures that would harm them , including other vampires . Not all vampires want to live among humans , feeding from animals and adjusting their schedules away from the nocturnal . There are some who wish to return to the days of monsters ruling the world , when humans were afraid to set foot outside from dusk to daybreak , and people who traveled at night often disappeared . " " It is , " Claire said . " But some of the other vampires have decided to focus their efforts on removing the Stregoni Benefici , or at least limiting their numbers . And you have the capability to turn into one . " Not for the first time that day , I felt the gears in my head lock up . I slowed my steps as we neared our destination , the Bob Ellis shoe store on King Street . I cleared my throat , trying to get my brain to work again . " You mean … I 'm supposed to grow up to fight bad vampires ? " I said . " And by ' removing ' the Strego whatever , you mean ' kill , ' right ? " It sounded so ridiculous said out loud like that . I was supposed to grow up to be a professor , like my mom and dad . They were both passionate about the subjects they taught , and loved bringing the past alive for their students . I 'd always planned on following in their footsteps . I couldn 't possibly fight vampires and teach , could I ? But then I realized that my dad , if he really was a vampire warrior , was a professor as well . Apparently it was possible to do both . As if teaching classes and doing research weren 't enough to keep you busy . Claire nodded calmly , opening the door to the shoe store . " Come on , Katie , let 's find some sandals , " she said . " We 'll talk more later . " " Wait . What 's happening ? " I said , looking from Johan 's face to Claire 's , my eyes wide . " Johan 's arm was broken . I saw it . " Great . Now my two best friends were keeping secrets from me . Between my dad 's strange email and Johan 's vague answers about the book , I was fed up . " Then what are you ? " I asked , wondering what kind of joke they were trying to pull . " I mean , I 've known you since you were 10 . " " Literally ? " she said . " Protector , guard . But I am specifically your protector . And that 's why I showed up when your dad moved out . " Maybe this is what the cryptic email I 'd gotten last night was referring to . But what did Claire 's being a protector have to do with my own heritage ? Unless , maybe , my heritage was why I needed a protector ? " I told you , I 'm not really a 17 - year - old girl . And I wasn 't a 10 - year - old girl seven years ago . I am hundreds of years old , and can take any form necessary to protect you . " " Okaaaay . So how are you sitting here in daylight ? And why aren 't you attacking me ? And why don 't you have pale skin and red eyes ? " I could have kept going , but Johan held up his hand . " For instance , vampires are nocturnal , like owls . We see better in the dark . We prefer to hunt at night and sleep by day . However , like owls , we can change our routines if we need to . The sun won 't hurt us . " We can survive on animal blood - although human blood tastes better . In medieval Europe , the first sign a vampire was around was usually dead sheep carcasses outside the city walls . And as you can tell , we look no different from you . We do , however , heal faster than the average person , " he said , flexing his arm . I thought about it . Johan didn 't drink sodas . He drank tomato juice , and said he did it because it was healthy and part of his training for the track team . I stopped speaking as the expressions on their faces sank in . They were serious . They meant it . Oh , yeah . Dad and I were REALLY going to have a talk when I got to Italy . But I already knew . My mom was a morning person . She hopped out of bed at the break of dawn , singing and opening curtains to let in as much light as possible . My dad stayed up late reading , writing , studying . He always taught afternoon classes , and worked through the night at excavation sites . " But - I don 't have fangs . I don 't stay up all night - at least not more than every other teenager I know . I don 't drink blood ! I don 't even want to drink blood ! What are you talking about ? " Johan sighed . " Okay , here it is . As the child of a human and a vampire , you have to make a choice . Once you reach 17 , you can choose to stay human , or become a vampire . " That was too much . I 'd reached my limit . I didn 't say a word . I stood up , turned my back on Claire and Johan , and headed for home , moving quickly from a jog into a flat - out run , as though I could outrun the things that Johan and Claire had just told me . My track coach would have been proud of me . When I reached my front door , I looked back . Claire and Johan hadn 't followed . At least that I could tell . I didn 't see the man in the black coat , either . Uh - oh . What they 'd told me had been so startling , I hadn 't even asked about him . I didn 't know why he 'd been in Johan 's house , or how Johan had ended up in the bushes with a broken arm . Was the man a vampire ? Something else ? What else was there ? My thoughts ran in circles as I unlocked the front door and let myself in . It was 2 : 30 . My mom would be home in an hour . I locked the door behind me , wishing we had a dog . A big , loud dog , with sharp teeth . One that would let me know if a stranger were within a block of our house . Instead , Willow , my cat , wound herself around my ankles , meowing for me to put some food in her bowl . I closed my eyes and took a deep breath , then walked to the kitchen and filled her dish . She twitched her gray tail as she settled down to crunch on the dry cat food . If black - coat guy showed up , maybe she could purr him to death . But no . My not - so - normal friends had to spoil everything . Gradually , as I sat there trying to figure out what I should ask my mom first , I realized I was hungry . I remembered I 'd never eaten lunch , so I got up and rummaged through the refrigerator , looking for something that didn 't take too much preparation . I finally settled on a cheese sandwich , stuck in the toaster oven for a minute or two so it kind of tasted like grilled cheese . Close enough , anyway . As I ate , I tried to organize my thoughts . What about Claire 's parents ? Hadn 't they noticed when Claire just suddenly showed up as a 10 - year - old ? Or were they , possibly , part of this , too ? How much did my mom know ? Why didn 't Johan think I should go to Italy this summer ? And I still didn 't know why I needed protection , or from what . I heard my mom 's key turn in the front door . I wasn 't ready to talk about this yet . I needed more time to process it . I headed up the narrow back stairs , which took me straight from the kitchen to the hallway right outside of my room . |
If you are reading this , chances are you already know what this post is about . It 's like a bad movie . You know what 's going to happen . You know what comes next , but you can 't help but hope that you 're wrong . Then there it is , reality exactly as you knew it would be , but hoped it wouldn 't . After four long years of fighting , Sarah Elizabeth Gomez lost her battle with leukemia . On Friday , April 12 , 2013 , Sarah had an appointment in OPI for labs , blood and platelets , which were very badly needed . She had spent the last two days on the couch , tired and cranky and miserable , barely eating , and in excruciating pain every time she had to pee . I found myself having to sit on the floor in front of her potty , holding her hands , and teaching her to breathe like she was in labor . Every time . So by Friday , I was eager for her to receive her blood products , if only so that she would feel a little better and have a little more energy . Labs were taken , blood was started , and then the doctor came in . Dr . Horvath , the wonderful doctor who gave us three good months with Sarah , was at a conference , so Dr . Torno , the most compassionate of the doctors , came in . She did the usual once - over , palpated her abdomen , then looked at me with tear - filled eyes and gave me a hug . In my mind , it was a compassionate hug for the slow decline Sarah has experienced over the last four years , for how hard she had to fight . I was not truly prepared for what she said next . Four words that changed my life forever . " Oh , hon . . . . we 're close . " Thankfully , Sarah was asleep from the premeds since blood had already been started , and she didn 't see the torrent of tears that found their way down my face . Dr . Torno explained some things I can 't quite remember now , and then I managed to calm myself enough to ask her how long Sarah had . She shrugged and said a week , maybe two at the most . A week ! ! ! She asked what I wanted to do , I told her that I wanted to take Sarah home . Sarah hated being inpatient , and we had already discussed this months ago , what we would do if and when the time came . My intention was to take my beautiful daughter home to die in her bed surrounded by her beloved dolls . When Dr . Torno left the room to make some calls , I burst into tears in earnest . I texted my friend and fellow cancer mom , Andrea , because I knew that her son had an appointment in the area that day . I knew better than to call my mom at work , and I wasn 't quite ready to deal with Sarah 's father . I needed time to wrap my head around this , and I needed someone to be there for me . I will forever be grateful for Andrea . Our case worker and the social worker came to talk to me about hospice , and I asked that we do it in another room . We went , and after I was comforted , we discussed some details . Andrea came in shortly thereafter , and once all was decided upon , the official people left and Andrea and I stayed in what was meant to be the isolation waiting room and was in fact a sort of makeshift staff lounge . We sat there for a long time , she held me as I cried . Hard . We talked it through , and then her husband brought me lunch . I went back to my room , and by that time , Dr . Horvath called me from her conference and said that she would like Sarah to be admitted so that we could get her pain under control before we put her in hospice . I agreed , because I trust all of the doctors implicitly , but especially Dr . Horvath . I called my mother , and managed a call to Sarah 's father , who told me to call him when we got home . Yeah . Sarah woke up , pitched a fit because she hates being inpatient , They sent us upstairs to the Rainbow Room . The Rainbow Room , one of two in the new tower , is basically a death suite . It is the last stop for these little warriors , the most comfortable rooms in the whole hospital where patients come to die . Beautiful , yes . Comfortable , to be sure , but still the last place my daughter ever saw . Sarah made her peace with being in the hospital , they gave her the infusion of platelets , and I put away her things while she played on the bed . The blood had perked her up and she was in good spirits . I plastered on a smile for her sake , and truly tried to soak up every moment . A loudspeaker announced that Turtle Talk would be starting soon , so I got her ready and took her downstairs . Turtle Talk is where Crush the Turtle from Finding Nemo comes out on this huge screen on the second floor lobby and actually interacts with the kids . It 's pretty awesome , and Sarah loved it when he chose her ! Dr . Torno happened to pass by , and was happy to see her looking a lot better than she had that morning . Can you blame me for having just the tiniest bit of hope that maybe they were wrong ? Or that a miracle might fall out of the sky and that my baby might be on every news channel in the world as a little girl who defied the odds ? When the room was still at the end of the day , and it was just the two of us , I asked her as I was tucking her into bed if she understood what was happening . I didn 't elaborate . I wanted to see how much she knew . She said that she understood , but that she was scared . I tried my best to reassure her , that everything would be fine , that we had discussed Heaven before , and that she would be content and happy when she got there . She expressed concern that we wouldn 't be together , that I would be all alone , that she would be all alone . I dispelled all of these fears as best as I knew how . The one that broke my heart was when she said to me , " Momma , when I 'm in Heaven , I won 't have your love anymore . " I started to cry , of course , and I told her that no matter what , she would ALWAYS have my love . I reminded her that our hearts were connected , even when we weren 't physically together , something I had told her before to alleviate the separation anxiety that began after her father left . She was constantly afraid that I was going to leave her , too . I reassured her that we would always be together , that she could see me whenever she wanted , that I would always love her , even in Heaven . She wiped my tears and told me not to cry , that it was going to make her cry . She got quiet for awhile , then said , " Momma , I don 't mind being in the hospital so much . They take good care of me here . " In retrospect , I think some part of her knew she would never leave that room , and she wanted to reassure me that she was okay with it , so I wouldn 't feel badly that we couldn 't honor her wishes and take her home . Over the weekend , Sarah 's pain got worse and worse . They kept changing her pain meds , upping the dosage , nothing seemed to work . The doctors didn 't feel comfortable sending her home , and I didn 't argue . What kind of time would she have at home if she was just in pain ? But true to form , Miss Bossy Boots had her bucket list all ready . She wanted to go . She had shit to do ! Disneyland , of course . The Aquarium , because she wanted to see a shark up close , and see the penguins . She really wanted Sea World , but I didn 't think she could make the trip . She wanted to go to the zoo to see the flamingos . She wanted to go fishing , and she wanted to go to the beach . Top Five . And she didn 't get to do any of it . She did , however , get to go on a shopping spree in the hospital gift shop . Kathie and Nick , my sister , my best friend from childhood and her daughter all accompanied us . Sarah had an amazing time looking at all of the possibilities , because there was no way I was saying no that day , and she knew it . She ultimately ended up with a pair of lady bug wings , two hello kitty cups , a five sided crayon , and various other small items that escape my memory . There was some issue because I tried to pay with a $ 50 , and apparently , they couldn 't make $ 20 worth of change , and I was a terrible person for even attempting to pay with anything larger than ones . We made fun of the clerk on the way out , and Sarah was happy . My dad says , typical woman , it figures she would squeeze in one last shopping trip . I am glad she at least got to do that . After two days in the hospital , I yelled at her father over the phone and told him to get his sorry ass down there , and that it was inexcusable that he hadn 't come when I called him before . He said he didn 't know it was like that , that I always say she 's dying . I completely lost my shit in the hallway , yelling at him , that yes he did effing know , that I always let him know what 's going on , and a bunch of other things I 'm sure weren 't so nice . It was heated enough that the charge nurse came charging down the hall , and I immediately started making apologetic gestures so that they didn 't eject me from the hospital . I was swiftly ushered into a conference room where I could yell at him in peace . He came , and I had to beat it into his head that she was dying . He had been living in denial all this time . He couldn 't accept it , by his own admission , wouldn 't accept it . I stood there , watched my husband cry , wavering between sympathy and apathy . I loved this man once . He is still my husband . I should have been able to comfort him , to hold him , we should have been able to go through this together . But we couldn 't , because he has a girlfriend . So I stood by and watched him cry , watched him come to the realization that I had spent four years coming to . She was really leaving us , and there was nothing we could do . Monday , she literally slept all day , as in , 24 hours straight . She got up twice to pee , both of which were excruciating experiences , but then went straight back to sleep . By the next day , her pain was out of control , she was irritable and inconsolable , and the only thing that made her feel any better was when I would rub her feet with essential oils . Andrea had told me that peppermint oil really helped her son with his headaches , so I bought lavendar and peppermint , and mixed it with organic olive oil , which I stored in a specimen cup that had previously contained some of Sarah 's supplements . Recycling is cool , y ' all , but I was seriously freaking people out with that oil in the specimen cup ! Because of the color , anTuesday she went fast . She had visitors , a lot of visitors , and I think it was a bit overwhelming for her , because she was irritable all day . It was a bit overwhelming for me , to where when my friend Giselle suggested going downstairs for coffee , I jumped readily at the chance . When we got back , The doctors decided to sedate her , and I asked them to clear the room , to make it easier for both of us . Nurse Kara did it gladly . How blessed were we that Sarah got her two favorite nurses on the day she died , and that it wasn 't by accident ? Kara called everyone but the mayor to be sure she got Sarah that day . By the time I got back from coffee , Sarah was irritable and being mean to her cousins , whom she had never met before . They were climbing on her bed , and she said that she didn 't want them to do that because she didn 't like people she didn 't know , and that they were going to get her bed all dirty . I took one look at my baby , and I instantly knew what was wrong , as mothers do . I looked into her eyes , and I said , ' There are too many people in here , huh ? " Sarah 's eyes filled with tears , she pouted and nodded her head , so grateful that I understood without her having to express it through her pain and suffering . I am so grateful that I was able to understand her in those final moments in order to make her more comfortable . Immediately , Nurse Kara called me out of the room , and Dr . Kirov was in the hallway , telling me that Sarah was progressing toward death faster than they had anticipated , so they wanted to sedate her at that moment to try to minimize her pain . This news disheartened me greatly . Trevor 's mother had been begging them for days to sedate him , and they wouldn 't because he wasn 't far enough along yet to justify it . And he had been there a full week before Sarah . He had far more complications , his pain seemed greater . Yet , we had been there for three days , and they were telling me it was time . Dr . Kirov grabbed my arm , squeezed it in comfort , but would not meet my gaze . I have mentioned before that Dr . Kirov ' I called her father out into the hallway , explained to him what was happening . Kara and I had already discussed clearing the room to make it more comfortable for Sarah , and she said that she would play the heavy . Sarah 's father was still in denial , still asking if there wasn 't anything else they could do . In my frustration I remember thinking that this child would be dead a week and he would still be asking if there wasn 't anything else they could do for her . I understand he was grieving just as I was , probably worse , because he was playing catch - up , no longer able to deny the reality , but seriously , where the fuck has he been all this time ? ? ? I tried to be patient , then gave up and went to be with my daughter . Kara cleared the room , administered the first round of Versed . I climbed into bed with Sarah and held her like an infant . Nurse Kerry , Sarah 's favorite night nurse , took over the night shift , and I was so grateful to see her face . I could not have gotten through it if it had been anyone other than her favorite . Over the years , we have become friends , family even . It felt right that they were there to say goodbye . I asked Nurse Kerry to send people in one at a time , so it wouldn 't be too overwhelming for either of us . My grandmother started to protest , asking if I was serious . I assured her that I was , and asked her to please not start with me right then . She stopped , and left the room . Slowly , people filtered in one by one , until the room was filled with people again , but only the people who Sarah loved the most . Andrea and her husband , Eric . My mother , father and stepmother . My sister ( my other sister and brothers were down the hall ) , and my brother , Ramon and sister - in - law , Diana ; Kathie and Nick , who are as close to spiritual godparents as it gets , I think . Kathie 's mother , Stella , my cousins , Michael and Jenee . Their mother , my aunt Rose , and her other daughter , Paula . My best friend from childhood , Esther . From what I hear , there were more people in the conference room down the hall , but those are theInstantly the room filled with love and laughter . It is impossible to think of Sarah without being happy , without laughing . That 's the way she loved things to be , always happy and full of love . During our conversations , Sarah would moan periodically , trying to contribute to the conversation , I think , and being physically unable to respond . She wasn 't able to swallow , she was so heavily sedated , but her mind was still very present . I would try to put the suction tube in her mouth , and she would bite down so that I couldn 't get it in her mouth . Then once I had it in , she would bite down so that I couldn 't get it out ! A little stinker to the end ! Her father made some excuse about having to take Mariah , his daughter , home so that she could go to school the next day . In my head , I called bullshit , but didn 't argue . Her sister was dying , like she was really going to go to school the next day ! But I had more pressing problems at the moment , and I didn 't have time to argue . It was his conscience , his guilt to deal with if she died and he wasn 't there . I knew where I was , and I was only in charge of myself . This is what I kept telling people when they would grouse to me about his behavior . Sarah released her bladder after awhile , and it got all over her , me and the bed , so I had no choice but to release her , clean her up , clean the bed , change my own clothes . Once everything was done , I noticed that she was still in pain , so I laid her down on the bed and got out the oil . I sat at the foot of the bed and began to rub her feet . Through her sedation , she moaned , in protest when I put her down , but when I began to rub her feet , she relaxed instantly . and the environment got very mellow , very serene . The lights were dim , and everyone was so calm . The love and tranquility was palpable in the room . " Hallelujah " by Rufus Wainright came up on Pandora , and I started to hum , because it calms Sarah when I sing to her . In my mind , I replayed the night she was born , when I spent the entire night singing softly to her while her father slept . It was an absent - minded thing on my part , yet not . I would have done anything I could to ease her pain in that moment . Then Nick started humming with me , and on the " Hallelujah " parts , everyone started singing in earnest . I think the only reason there was humming was because no one knew the words ! : ) It was soft and loving , a mother 's lullaby sung by everyone who loves her . I wish that I was articulate enough to paint you a picture as beautiful as the one I can recall in my mind . In that moment , I think we all caught a glimpse of heaven . The cross - talk started up again , and Sarah through her sedation said my name three times . " Mom . . . Mom . . . . Mom . . . " I mentioned before that Sarah was so heavily sedated that she couldn 't even swallow , much less form words . The first one I didn 't hear because I was talking to Kathie , and Kathie was the one who stopped our conversation and said , " Wait , did she just say ' Mom ' ? " We all stopped to listen , and then she said it twice more . I reassured her that I was there , that I loved her and that she was safe , that she shouldn 't be afraid , that everything was okay . Someone mentioned that they hoped Sarah wasn 't waiting on her father , because he more than likely wasn 't going to return . Later on , I found texts in my phone from him that his " aunt " ( I am not entirely convinced it was his aunt , as his aunt was his excuse during the two years he was carrying on with that woman ) was having a hard time with Sarah 's imminent death , and that he was trying to console her . It upset me , because Sarah 's father was very important to her , and she needed him . His " aunt " is an adult , and her feelings could have waited . Not to mention that fact that if it were me , I would have sent him back to the hospital immediately , after giving him what - for for even leaving in the first place . But I digress . Someone ( I honest to God cannot remember who , I think it was my aunt , but I can 't be sure ) said they hoped she wasn 't waiting on him , and then her breathing started to get extremely labored . Her entire body convulsed with every breath , I have never seen anything like it , not even on television . It is awful to have to see your baby like that . I called Nurse Kerry in to up her pain meds , figuring she was in pain , and Kerry listened to her chest and confirmed that these were her final breaths . I put my hand on her chest , murmured to my baby through my tears that it was okay , that I was there , that she shouldn 't be afraid , that I loved her . Underneath my hand , her heart stopped beating and her chest went still . At 12 : 54 am , on April 17 , 2013 , Sarah ElizMy eyes widened in horror and disbelief , how could this be happening ? I shook my head , and broke down . My sobs turned into a full blown panic attack . I haven 't had a panic attack in years , but I had one in earnest then . I had been holding in my sorrow for days , every time I would cry , it would upset Sarah , so I tried my best to keep it from her . All of the emotions I had been holding in all that time tried to come out all at once , and it was too much . Nurse Kerry crouched down underneath me , raised my arms above my head and told me to breathe . I calmed down eventually into quiet sobs , and Kathie , Nick , and everyone reassured me that I was the best mother to her , that I had done everything I could , that she knew how much I loved her and that I had done everything to make her happy and comfortable . Kathie said that I held the perfect balance between letting her be who she was and maintaining discipline , which was not easy with a child as willful as Sarah was , and Nick said that he was honored that Sarah liked him at all because she was so selective . She either liked you or she didn 't , and sometimes , she made you work for it , but once you were in , you were in . This lightened the mood some , and one by one , everyone filtered out of the room . Nick called Sarah 's father , and he returned some time later , saying , " No . . . no . . . " over and over , like he couldn 't believe it . What did he think was going to happen ? He started hitting and kicking the walls , lightly , thank God , because I was not about to pay for that shit , and everyone watched in silence . No one moved to comfort him . Finally , my cousin Michael , compassionate , big - hearted creature that he is , went to attempt it , and that only made it worse , which is why I didn 't attempt it myself . I know this man . They both disappeared into the bathroom , which I assumed was to contain him , but I was told later that he actually started throwing up in there . A few minutes later , he left the room , practically running , and I assumed that he was just going out into the hall , or maybe outI was left alone with her for awhile , and Nurse Kerry offered to let me bathe her . If you had asked me a year before , or even a week before if I would be willing or able to do this , my answer would have been a big fat HELL no ! But I have done a great many things in the past month that I never thought I would be able to do , and in that moment , I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn 't . I bathed her the way I always have , the way I did the very first time when she was only a few days old , so soft and sweet and new . I said goodbye to every last inch of my daughters body , to her little hands , so much like mine , to Katie and Cafeteria , her feet . Katie was the right , a girl , and the trouble maker . Sarah had neuropathy from the chemo , and it manifested the most on the right side , so when her leg would go numb , she would trip a lot , so Katie got a bad rap . Cafeteria was a boy , Katie 's brother , and he was more docile , but made " faces " at Momma . Cafeteria 's " faces " were made by Sarah stretching her toes out as far as they would go . She made up these personalities for her feet , this whole back story , when she was two . Sarah 's feet were my favorite part of her , her little monkey toes ! All of these emotions , all of these memories came swelling to the surface at once , five years of a life , and it was all over in an instant . Kerry helped me with the bath , and by then , she had started to stiffen up . I realize that this may be hard for some of you to read , and I am sorry if it offends anyone , but this is the reality . This is what happened , and I wouldn 't be doing my daughter justice if I didn 't tell her story properly . As hard as it is for you to read , it 's the truth and it was 100 times harder for me to live . Sometime right after she died , my family had packed up all of our things and loaded them in the car , so I didn 't have any fresh pajamas for her , so I just put the same ones on . Everyone who knew us knows that my daughter was always clean , NEVER had dirty clothes on , and always looked a fashion plate . She Kerry had me sign a release form so that once we found a mortuary , it would be easy on their end to release Sarah . She got the charge nurse , Karen , who is normally tough as nails , but was shedding tears profusely , more than I was at that moment , to come and sit with her , assuring me that she would never be left alone . Karen gave me a hug , entered the room to sit next to Sarah 's bedside . I looked longingly back toward my baby , and I lingered in the doorway , physically unable to move . I tried several times to propel myself forward , and I just couldn 't . I have never left Sarah behind in the hospital . Most nurses can tell you that unless you kick me out , I don 't ever leave the room unless Sarah is with me . It was the hardest thing I have ever done to walk out of that room of my own volition and leave my baby behind for the last time . Andrea had stayed behind to be with me , to drive me home , and she held me all the way downstairs as Kerry escorted us down . It seemed unconscionably long as the valet went to retrieve my car while we waited in the new CHOC ER , which was surprisingly empty . I sat in a chair , visibly in shock , clutching the blanket that had been covering Sarah in her final days and inevitably her final moments , and Castles , her best toy , the trusty pink unicorn who never left her side during her four years of treatment . Andrea drove my car home , and she asked me if I had any thoughts about funeral arrangements . I decided in that moment , remembering the blood that had come out of Sarah 's nose , that I didn 't want a viewing . Sarah was very close to Andrea 's children , her daughter Savannah was her best friend , and I wanted them to be able to say goodbye without having to be traumatized by seeing their friend that way . After what I had seen that night , I didn 't want to see her that way anymore . When I thought of Sarah , when I think of her now , I don 't think of her death . I think of the life she lived , how happy she was , how happy she made everyone around her . To date , I have only ever met one person who wasn 't We got to my house around 6 am , and it was equally as hard walking into the house without Sarah as it was leaving the hospital without her . I broke down in tears , Andrea stayed for a moment , then drove my car home . My grandmother made my mother and I some chamomile tea and toast , I don 't know how long it had been since I had eaten . My mother and I talked for awhile , and the first phone call came about an hour later , from my estranged uncle 's wife , to whom we hadn 't spoken in about three years . My mother hung up on her , and we talked about that for awhile before the melatonin she and Andrea made me take started to kick in . I climbed into my bed , covered up with Sarah 's blanket and held Castles . I put on a Netflix movie for background noise . I slept for a few hours , then got up and dressed so that we could attempt to make some funeral arrangements . I couldn 't bear the thought of my baby laying in that morgue any longer than was absolutely necessary . We were offered discounts with two different funeral homes , but something , probably my bossy daughter , kept telling me to go to Rose Hills . It 's beautiful there , and Sarah loved flowers . We were going to cremate her , and bring the ashes home , but something kept telling me to go there . So I told my mom that we could go see what it was about , and if it was too expensive we would go with one of the other funeral homes . As it turns out , it wasn 't bad at all , they were more than supportive and helpful , and in a chapel that seats 200 , there was still standing room only . I did not hear from her father for two days , until I was forced to call him because I wasn 't allowed to make any funeral arrangements without his consent . I dragged him in there by his ear , and he sat as far from us as he could , since I had my mother , my aunt and my pregnant sister just waiting for him to say the wrong thing . The funeral coordinator asked if we would be separating the ashes , indicating Sarah 's father out of the corner of her eye . I had listed two separate addresses for us , and given the atmosphere in the room , I think she got the hint that we are separated . I didn 't even look his way , and I answered her with an emphatic " No . " " No ? " she said , again indicating Sarah 's father out of the corner of her eye . " No . " I replied again , just as firmly . I could feel his eyes on me , but I didn 't acknowledge him . He didn 't argue . When the coordinator asked what we would be doing with the ashes , I told her that MY daughter was coming home with ME . Again , I could feel his eyes on me , but he said nothing . The coordinator was gracious enough to skip to the part he needed to be there for , and as soon as he signed everything , he left . I wasn 't surprised , nor did I care . We stayed longer , of course , making all of the arrangements , trying not to laugh when they kept referring to my baby as " The Cremains " . I suppose it 's a technical term they have adopted , a combination of " cremated remains " , but given the somber and sympathetic tone they usually adopt when dealing with grieving families , it sounded so incongruous to use a term that sounds like it came off the menu at McDonald 's . Kathie , Nick , my sister and I all waxed intellectual ( and hilarious ! ) about it later on . " Back for a limited time ! The Cremains ! " " Get your Cremains while they last ! " " Yes , I 'll take some Cremains , and a diet Coke , please . " Nevertheless , everything was done , and Sarah 's father called me later to see what we had decided . I gave him the information , and ended the conversation . The next few days were a blur of errands and sleepless nights . I can see now why people pre - arrange funerals , although I can also understand why we never did for Sarah . It seemed too macabre , like we were giving up on her , and even her doctors expected her to survive . She was so strong . They never thought , we never thought , she would be the one to go . Sarah pushed us towards what she would have wanted . The gorgeous chapel for her service , the pink urn with the tiara in Swarovski crystals that had to be handmade and normally takes three weeks to deliver but that miraculously was able to be rushed and arrived two days before she was even cremated . The balloon release that was tacked on at the last minute , because several people who don 't normally communicate got the same idea at the exact same time . True to form , my little Bossy Boots was still bossing us around . The service itself was beautiful . Everyone spoke to how incredible my daughter was , and it was an amazing way to honor her memory , if you don 't mention the egregious way her father behaved . Inside the chapel , he was a mess , sobbing , clutching her urn to his chest like a baby , carrying on like anyone would expect of a grieving father . Then he kept going outside , and would be totally fine , talking and laughing with his friends as though nothing had happened , as though it were any other Saturday at the park . Then he would come inside , and put on a show , then go back out , and be fine . This is all second hand from several sources , I was too busy receiving condolences to keep tabs on him . Later on , while I was at the comedy fundraiser the Silver and Black Angels Foundation put on for our family and Trevor 's , I received a text telling me that he was out there with his friends talking about his new girlfriend . Later still , it was divulged to me that not only was he talking about her , he was bragging about all of their sexual escapades . AT HIS DAUGHTER ' S FUNERAL . I have long since come to terms with the fact that this man has no respect for me . But never in a million years did I ever think he would disrespect his daughter in this way . On the way home , I was quiet for a long time , thinking . Then as we were getting out of the car , unloading , I asked my mother to fill out the divorce papers . When Sarah 's father asked me for a divorce back in December , on Sarah 's birthday , the last she would ever have , three days before Christmas , the last she would ever have , in a TEXT MESSAGE after 11 years of being together , I refused to lift a finger . I told him that since he was the one asking for the divorce , he could do all the work . But on my way home from my daughter 's funeral , I realized that it wasn 't about punishing him , it was about setting myself free . The only part of him I still wanted was gone . I had already lost the one thing that mattered the most to me in the world . Up until then , I had mixed feelings toward him . A lot of anger , resentment , especially for the way he wasn 't there for Sarah like he should have been , for the way he should have been there for me and never was . Even some residual love , but all of that left when Sarah did . None of it mattered anymore . I lost the one thing that was everything to me . I have truly lost most of what people value . I lost my job and my foothold in my career path . I lost my husband to a woman who is nowhere near worthy , and nowhere near better than me , I lost my stepchildren , who I helped raise , but they hate me now , God knows why . If it wasn 't for my mother , I would be homeless , literally . But all of that , I can rebuild . I can find another man , a better man , one who deserves me , and one whom I deserve . I can possibly have more children , I can rebuild my career , or find a new one . But I will never have another Sarah . Her loss is the most devastating thing one can experience , and everything else is small in comparison . Let her have him , they deserve each other . How could I ever look at him again and feel anything but disgust at his behavior ? Now , I am sort of bouncing around , lost , trying to find my way . I devoted my entire life to my husband , his children , and their many problems , Sarah , and Sarah 's illness . For the first time in my life , there is no one for me to take care of , no one for me to mother . I don 't quite know what to do with myself , but I will say that I am overwhelmed and so , SO grateful for the outpouring of love and support I have received . I have a lot of people on my side , a lot of people looking out for me , the best one being my new angel , so I know that sooner or later , I will find my way . People tell me that they don 't know how I am holding up this well , and my answer is always the same . Sarah didn 't like anyone to be upset , and if God took her , it was because she was done here . She had fulfilled her purpose , and she touched many lives . If he left me here , it was also for a reason , and I need to figure out what that iPosted by If you are easily offended or faint of heart , read no further , because I refuse to censor myself . This blog is about my journey with my daughter . I did my best to maintain this life with a 5 year old daughter who had ALL , Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia , and then received a secondary diagnosis of AML ( Acute Myeloid Leukemia ) which is much more aggressive and has a much lower survival rate , a month before she was supposed to be done with chemo . I tried to keep my daughter alive and well - adjusted while trying to do the same for myself , and ultimately , we lost our fight on April 17 , 2013 . What you 've missed . . . ♥ |
My Corner : So this is my first story , and to be completely honest [ I appologize to the moderators for this ] I never finished it and most likely never will . Why am I posting it then ? Well , I have an undeniable reputation for being the cruelest and bluntest regular in the forum . And I wanted to just give a point of reference for where I am today and how much I 've improved [ or at least I think I have ] over the past three years . I mentioned in a few other threads about there being a stage where a writer doesn 't want to take advice , it 's an egotistical stage that 's horribly annoying for other people . This story was during my time in that stage . Granted barely anyone read it so it was rare to get a comment much less advice , and as time wore on I was more willing to take advice but I would silently seethe about it . I wasn 't . . . attacked . . . when I realized that my story really wasn 't that good . I don 't remember what exactly happened , I think I was rereading it and planning what I wanted to do next in it when I realized it . It was indeed a learning curve , I felt horrible about the whole issue . I stopped Haven but continued writing , working on a different story that I finished and almost immediatly after my second story I have a third one that I 'm still working on to this day . After awhile I kind of grew out of my shock and self - loathing for thinking it any good and I rediscovered an affection for my story . Which is the way it should be in my opinion . It 's my first story and I hold its main character in high regard . I carry around her memory into different stories and RPs through personality , name , appearance , or all three . My first character , who is also the main character of Haven , is my Mary - Sue ; but I do still love her . Anywho , all sappyness aside I wanted to share Haven so that the people I 've . . . attacked . . . realize that I can relate a lot more then they may realize and that it does take years to improve . And for them to realize I want them to improve , that I want to watch them improve as silly as it sounds . My appologies Part 1 : Mistress " Sometimes it 's better to hide in the shadows . But after a while the light will take them away . The only problem is to accept the light or not to accept it . No matter if some shadow remains there won 't be enough to hide in . Some if not most people who are thrust into the light break ; while others try to get their haven back . Some make the light their new haven just like their lost shadows . Then the minority is prepared for both the light and dark . And all of this is true the other way around . But if there are monsters in the dark , then there are monsters in the light . But the most dangerous time is when monsters from the light and dark come together with a common goal . It is best to destroy such bonds before they become too strong . But how can you destroy something as old as the universe … how can you destroy a bond that wasn 't found until millions of years later ? How can you destroy a bond that is after one soul thing … is it immortality , power ? Or is it a host of these things ? How can you destroy Life ? How can you destroy Death ? If the hosts of Life and Death are destroyed will the universe end ? If you don 't understand now , you will in time . Just remember … everything has a weakness … and anything can die . " There was a night many years ago when the stars showed true until 11 : 30 when an unexpected rain fall poured down like a waterfall . You couldn 't see through it non - the less hear through it . It seemed like no one was out , most were at home cuddling by the fire in a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate and their families . One family was known to be out however . No one knows why they went out . It was said they left for some emergency or another . But , it had been a clear night so they so they could 've just wanted a night out . Their neighbors recall them calling that night . Apparently they asked if the neighbors could keep an - eye on the children while they were out . A five year old and an infant not even one . Another mystery is why they didn 't take them with them . But , being good neighbors and friends they agreed . The next morning the children were gone and there were no signs as to where they went . There were no finger prints , only the door thrown open but no sign of a struggle . The neighbors said that they were sound asleep at 11 PM , the last time they checked up on the children . The father , mother , and grandfather were all dead , lying in a row in the center of the city with a hole in the center of their hearts . But there weren 't any further gashes and there was no struggle . Even though they were found in the middle of a four way intersection there was no car . The neighbors also said that if they knew that this would 've happened they would never have agreed to baby - sit , if it would save that family . Eleven years later in the same town they act as if it never happened in fact no - one can recall of it . Now if you were to go to the secondary school , and drive a mile away from it you 'll find a little house with a sold sign in front . You 'll also find a moving truck there , unloading its contents . As it drives away you can see the house 's new owners standing on the porch . After tucking in Rini , Kairi sat on the couch with a cup of tea and a book . Though Kairi loved to read , her book lay on her lap ignored and closed . She sat there looking out the window . " I wonder how they are , " she asked herself . Kairi looked at the boxes left . They had done a lot ; they had gotten through putting the furniture where they wanted . Deciding not to worry herself too much she decided to continue unpacking . She knew she wouldn 't disturb Rini because they already got all of her belonging unpacked and placed where they were wanted . Around midnight Kairi finished , and feeling satisfied with the day 's work she decided to go to bed . Rini having had a nightmare woke up and wandered through their new house in an attempt to find Kairi 's room . But as she was entering the living room she was grabbed . Still a little unnerved by her dream Rini screamed . A hand clasped around her mouth and a voice said " Rini , stop it . You were going to run into me if I didn 't stop you . " Recognizing the voice as Kairi , Rini stopped struggling , and relaxed the strong yet gentle hands released her . She heard her sister say " Watch your eyes . " , and then turned on the lights . Momentarily forgetting her dream she asked , " Kairi you unpacked everything by yourself . " It was more of a statement than a question really . But Rini was surprised her sister didn 't go to bed after she did . " It was something to do and besides now it 's out of our hair . And I just finished . " her sister responded calmly . In a much more worried voice she asked " Why are you up so late ? " Finally remembering why she was up , Rini pursed her lips and shook . Kairi having worry and concern written in her eyes walked over to her quivering sister and kneeled down until they were eye - level , hands on her shoulders and asked again " Why are you up ? " Breaking down Rini flung herself on Kairi , arms around her neck and cried . Kairi picked up her distressed sibling and took her to the couch and sat down with the young girl in her lap . In a soothing motherly voice Kairi asked " What 's wrong ? " Kairi was stroking her sister 's hair and whispered in her ear " And it was just that , a dream , a bad dream . It 's over now . " Kairi knew better than to ask what the dream had been , her sister would tell her if wanted to . After 10 minutes Rini was calm and Kairi tucked her in bed again and went to bed . As Kairi sat on the porch watching her sibling play she wondered if at one time she had ever been carefree . But as she searched the recesses of her mind she could find no time . Looking at her watch she stood and went inside to make dinner . As she cooked she could clearly hear laughter from the outside . The girls came in talking about what movie they wanted to watch later . The next morning as the girls were being picked up a scheme was unfolding although its creators where the only ones who knew . Not even the ones tricked into helping their plan . One by one they drove away . " Who 's picking the rest of you up , or should I drive you home ? " Kairi asked . " Catharine 's older brother is picking us up , " responded Cali , a blonde - haired , blue - eyed 12 year old . As they sat outside they chatted about different things . Kairi noted that the younger girls were unusually interested on the topic of boys . Catharine asked too innocently , " Kairi , what do you want in a guy ? " Kairi stared at the hazel - eyed girl for moment and answered , " I don 't know , I 've never thought about it . " The girls picked up their bags and entered the car . Catharine and Cali talked about Kairi the whole time , forcing the driver to listen to them . They continued until they were silenced by , " Shut up , brat ! I 'm only doing this ' cause Mom made me , " coming from the driver 's seat . " It 's finally here ! " Rini yelled bounding into Kairi 's room . " Come on get up , get up ! Come on it 's the last day of school ! Kairi ? Are you asleep ? " Kairi sprang to life as Rini peered over her head , tackling her little sister and tickling her mercilessly . When they arrived at school the festivities were beginning . There was the moon bounce , dunk tank , face painting , and other things . For every one not in high school , they had to take their finals , lucky for Kairi she was graduating . " Rini , I 've been wondering , how come you never mention your parents ? I mean most kids would say ' I have to ask my mom , ' or something like that . " Rini however gave no response and turned her head to start looking for Kairi . Melissa however wasn 't thwarted . " None of us have even seen your family other than Kairi , pictures or anything . " Rini seemed to be more encouraged to locate her sister and to stop her friends from seeing her face . Her family was a touchy topic , and she didn 't like to think about it much less talk about it . Besides she didn 't know if Kairi would be mad if she talked about it . Rini snapped , tearing herself out of Jon 's arms she stalked up to Melissa , anger emitting from her in waves . Seething with anger Rini hissed , " How dare you ! It 's none of your business therefore you do not deserve to know . And don 't you dare go accusing me of being a bad friend because a friend would know when to stop if they were touching on a sensitive topic ! " With venom seemingly dripping from her words Rini seethed , " Gladly , but first let me make something clear . Next time stop pushing sensitive topics . And you deserved my anger . One more thing , between the two of us currently , you are the terrible friend ! " With that she spun on her heel and stomped home . Fifteen minutes later Kairi arrived at the house and to her sister 's room . Once inside her sister 's room she found Rini staring out the window . Kairi said , " What happened ? Are you okay ? " The next day Rini was talking to Jon saying how she shouldn 't have gotten so mad when Melissa , who was obviously eavesdropping said , " Good . I 'll accept your apology when you answer my question . " Everyone stood their staring at her with their mouths open in disbelief . " No ! He 's right ! We knew you were pushing it but we didn 't do anything . And if you knew anything you would know she doesn 't like to talk about it ! You 're the one who should apologize ! " Catherine yelled hazel eyes flashing . " Watch it Catty ! " She yelled back . Catherine and Jon lunged , Jon and Raven were the only ones allowed to call Catherine ' Catty ; but , were stopped by strong arms . Melissa scoffed and turned to Rini who had been staying to the side with a deer in the headlights look . " Rini , " she began with a sickly sweet smile , " come on I 'm just trying to thank you for your generous ' gift ' . After all you turned my friends against me . " She began to walk toward Rini who in turn walked backward . Rini had walked into a tree , ' end of the line , ' she thought desperately as she trembled . She knew Melissa could hurt her ; the only thing was how much . Her mind raced trying to find a way out of the mess she was in as Melissa stalked towards her with the look of a predator in her eyes . " That 's enough Melissa , " a voice commanded from the crowd . Melissa paled . Catherine and Jon stopped struggling , and Rini looked a bit relieved . They turned to look at a tall figure standing near them . They wore forest green cargo - pants with a black T - shirt . Her shoulder length black hair was kept up by a matching green bandana . Her outfit contrasted with her pale skin and misty - grey irises . She was slender and even with her standing still one could tell how graceful she was when moving . Melissa snapped out of her shock , " This is just a little argument . No need to worry , " she said shakily . There was no way for her to do what she wanted now and she knew it ; she had hoped not to have to deal with Her . ' Quick , have to be quick , ' she thought , ' maybe I 'll be lucky ' . Melissa smiled a bit before snapping around with her hand raised . It never came down though , because her wrist was caught in air . She looked up fear entering her eyes as she looked up at the hand that caught it and it followed the arm until it reached the stoic face with flashing eyes . Melissa shrunk away as the ebony locked teen turned her gaze to Rini 's and signaled for her to get out of there with a mere look . More than willing to get away Rini ran home as fast as she could . Melissa was spun around to face her captor , as her chin was caught and jerked up . Fires blazing in misty eyes , fear encasing her entire being as a cold voice commanded , " Don 't ever go near her again . " With that she was let go as the figure walked away picking up her discarded books from the bench where she left them . Raven spent the rest of the day with his friends , who , like him , seemed to have a fixation on Kairi . He however didn 't voice it . ' How did she do that ? ' Raven asked him self over and over again . But he could never figure out how she had been able to get from where she was to the other girl that fast . ' She was at least five feet away from that kid . ' His friends were wondering about … other things . ' That 's a good question , why haven 't we . ' Raven thought . His friends continued gossiping about her and envisioning her in other clothes ; he however didn 't this time . Most of the time he would be adding his ideas but this time he felt wrong doing that . " Kairi ? " Rini asked her going into the living room . Her sister looked up her from her book and Rini continued , " Why don 't you have friends ? Doesn 't it , like , bother you ? " In truth before today barely anyone had known her sister existed . And as far as Rini knew Kairi didn 't have any friends . Kairi smirked which was in actuality her smile ; she had lost her ability to smile , at least that was what she had told Rini once . " It 's never bothered me , " Kairi said quietly , " But I do have two friends , and we 'll meet up again sometime . " Rini was utterly confused , she didn 't know about this or at least she didn 't think she did . " You mean you have friends ? Who are they , what are they like , why don 't you hang out with them ? ! " She asked snapping out of her shock . Her sister 's reply was in a much quieter voice , " It wasn 't safe for us , they understand . " Rini could tell that the conversation had ended now , so she went to her room to ponder about what her sister just said . According to what Kairi had said she would 've been 6 or 7 depending on when they left . When she reached her room a thought struck her , ' Maybe they know her as well as I do if not better . ' Rini lay back on her bed thinking of the possibility of tricking her sister into telling her , ' A billion to one , ' she thought wryly . So instead she moved on to listing everything she knew about Kairi , reaching for a notepad and pen . About half an hour later she was interrupted by the doorbell ringing . She opened the door and walked out into the hallway and saw a man that could only make her think one word which became a little chant in her head , ' Hot ! Hot ! Hot ! ' Rini heard the man say his name Mr . Luke Spreno . ' New neighbor , ' she thought vaguely . " Is this your mother ? " Mr . Spreno asked innocently . Kairi entered the hall and tensed so slightly that it was barely noticeable , she didn 't like something about him or she had taken his comment as an insult to her age but Rini doubted that . " We 're sisters Mr . Spreno . Now you were about to answer why you were here , " Kairi 's voice was curt . Rini sighed inwardly ; her sister was always blunt and honest , unless there was a loophole that could get her out of any attention that could be thrown her way . Unable to suppress it Luke shivered , he hadn 't thought a voice could freeze someone . " I wanted to exchange phone numbers , you know incase of emergency . " He had a creeping suspicion as to why this girl was acting like this , he hoped he was wrong but she had walked to her sister 's side from where she could pull her out of the way if anything happened , it made him think he definitely knew why . He pulled out a notepad and wrote his name and number on it and ripped the paper of the pad and handed it to Kairi . She took it and studied it for a moment before tucking it into her pocket . Mr . Spreno held out the pad and pen which were grabbed by Rini , who wrote their names and phone number and handed it back . They said their adieus ; all the while Rini studied him , dark brown hair spiked in the front , hazel eyes , taller than Kairi 's 5 ' 8 " , tanned skin , and well muscled body walk out the door . " Kairi , Rini , hey ! " Catherine yelled running through the mall saying excuse me to the other people in the mall . " Hey , how are you guys ? " she asked panting but a cheerful smile in place none the less when she reached them . " We 're fine , " Rini said smiling at her hazel eyed friend . " What are you doing here ? " Rini opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted , " There you are ! Y ' know Mom would kill me if you got kidnapped ! " Raven exclaimed storming toward them . Catherine got an eerie smile on her face , " Well , I got an idea . How bout me and Rini go shop and you two go somewhere else . " Then she begged , " Please Kairi . " A chuckle broke his through his thoughts and a whispered thought barely audible , " She 's a good kid . " When he looked for the speaker he found no one . He decided to wander around the mall since he had nothing better to do , going into a store here or there . Rini chuckled , nodding her blonde locked head " Doesn 't seem the type does she ? But yeah she wears 3 necklaces all the time . I don 't know where she got two of them , but I know that she got the third one , it 's a locket , " she said looking over the items in the display case . Raven walked into the bookstore having gone to all the other stores worth going into . He was wandering when he heard something drop as he turned the corner , he found Kairi standing in the isle . He would 've thought that she was just passing if it weren 't for the book lying open at her feet . Curious , he looked at the sign above the book shelves , it read ' Mythology ' , kneeling down he picked up the book , open to a page labeled as ' Prophesies . ' Closing the book he read the title ' Forgotten stories by Don Sire . ' Chuckling he thought wryly , ' I wouldn 't want to have his name . ' Standing up he looked at Kairi and nearly dropped the book again , her eyes betrayed an array of emotions which changed from one moment to the next , first hatred , sorrow , then anger , and lastly fear . " Kairi , here 's your book . " He said holding it out , ' She hasn 't moved a muscle , ' he realized . He watched as her eyes continued to cycle through the more negative emotions . " Kairi , snap outta ' it you 're freakin ' me out ! " Raven yelled . He had no idea what was happening all he knew was he didn 't like it , so he did the only thing he knew to do , he shook her shoulder . Kairi gasped and blinked , and then her eyelids fell , her eyelashes falling to rest on her cheek bones , as did the rest of her body . Out of reflex Raven caught her dumbfounded snapping out of shock he exclaimed , " Kairi ! Kairi ! Kairi wake up ! " The clerk seeing Raven 's nod turned and said , " Follow me . " The scenery passed by quickly to Raven 's eyes whose mind was working as fast as his feet ; before he knew it they had reached a faculty area of the customer service area . The bookstore clerk pointed to a sofa and said something , but Raven 's ears weren 't working at the moment , so he merely laid Kairi carefully on the sofa . Finally back in reality , Raven heard the clerk from before asking , " Did she come with anyone ? " Before Rini could ask what the girl looked like she was interrupted by someone exclaiming , " Miss ! You should be resting ! " Footsteps were followed , coming down the hall . Turning they saw Kairi walking up to them with her eyes closed , next to her was the panicked nurse who they had heard yelling . Kairi 's whispery smooth response was , " I 'm fine . " She then reached Rini , her eyes flickered to show compassion but as fast as it was there it left ; glancing at the clock out of the corner of her eye she said , " You still have another hour . " Almost three weeks later Rini was packing to go to Catharine 's house for a sleepover . Kairi came in , and by the way the atmosphere changed Rini could tell that there was going to be something very different this time , she had known something was off at the mall three weeks ago but she didn 't think much of it at the time . Turning around she looked at her elder sibling and was taken aback , Kairi was known , by anyone who knew of her , to be composed , graceful , and void of emotion , granted the last one was annoying at times but hey what could she say it was true ; now though , just how much life had taken its toll on Kairi showed , her eyes showed how tired mentally she was , you could see how much she stained her face now that it wasn 't , and by how her shoulder 's were a little more slouched than their usual position , proper position as some people may 've said . All her suspicions that something was going to be different , and she had a feeling it wasn 't something good , were just confirmed . Rini had never seen her sister like this , she looked small and scared , just like a little girl who got separated from her family and in one way that 's what Kairi was . She knew Kairi didn 't like to be around people on July first , tomorrow , because of this . So she would just disappear for the day and leave Rini to her devices if she didn 't stay at a friend 's house . Rini still didn 't quite understand why it was on that day she disappeared since it was Kairi 's birthday but she did and nothing her little sister did could stop her . After dropping Rini off , Kairi sat in her room , looking at her hands . It looked as if she was expecting something to suddenly appear , a sign of some sort . No matter how many times she did this , which was quite often , she never saw what her mother and grandfather did . It wasn 't as hard now to know what they thought , as it was when they were still around , she 'd always known what they thought and it hurt , the way they were scared of her , the way her mother hated her for being different . Glaring , Kairi stormed out of her room and slammed the door . Closing her eyes to collect her thoughts she breathed deeply , when she opened them she found herself looking at her front door . The five indentations she 'd left when she personally met her new neighbor looked like nothing more than claw marks from a monster . Scowling she thought , " that 's just what ' They ' thought ; and without seeing anything like that . " Stalking into the kitchen she reached for her crimson mortar and pestle , not the normal color for such objects but it was a gift and she 'd sure as hell use it . Opening several small drawers and taking out an herb from each of them . Placing them in the mortar she began to grind them as she got a teapot from a cupboard on the other side of the kitchen and filled it with water . She deposited the finely ground herbs into the water , stirred them a bit and placed the teapot on the stove . Kairi looked at her watch , it read 10 : 45 , and scowled bitterly at the informant . She got out a cup just as the teapot began to whistle , she poured herself a cup and sat at the kitchen table . She took a long swig of the draft , and felt her muscles begin to unclench . Lowering the cup she looked at the liquid , it had the taste and appearance of fresh blood but it was made entirely out of herbs and boiled water . Named Ruby Tea for the blood like appearance , and metallic taste , was a beverage that was either liked or disliked ; but for all it did relieve stress . Since the age of five , it 'd been Kairi 's favorite drink . Meanwhile , at the Jones ' house , " Yay , pizza 's here , I 'm starving ! " Catharine exclaimed hurtling over the coffee table and couches to the door . She squealed when she saw the pizzas , hurriedly she paid and tipped the stunned delivery man , grabbing the pizzas so fast that he could barely register what was going on . Realizing that he was now staring at a closed door he turned away , when the door opened again and Rini looked out calling after him . Raven was holding Catharine 's beloved pizzas far above her head as she jumped trying to reach them . " That 's enough , you brat ! We had a deal ! " he yelled , clearly wishing he was somewhere else . Rini merely shrugged again and tried to elaborate , " I 've never seen her smile , but I know she has in the past . That 's the only explanation I can give . She smiled before ' They ' went away . " Rini slapped her hand to her mouth realizing her folly . She slowly removed it and looked sheepishly at the three Jones siblings . After a while she sighed , giving in to their piercing gazes . " You have to promise not to act any different around me or Kairi , especially Kairi . " After the three Jones promised she began to explain , and answer their questions . " 11 : 30 , " Sir said looking at his watch . Turning to face someone in the shadows he said , " 30 more minutes and you 'll know exactly what happened to your family . " He turned his back to them ignoring their muffled cries . Kairi sprinted through the suburbs and into the city . Frantically she thought , ' Please don 't let me be late again , ' the rain poured down on her like a ton of bricks but it didn 't hinder her . The rain echoed in her ears , but she didn 't care , her only care was getting to the center of the city before midnight . She arrived at her destination at 11 : 55 and her eyes immediately found and locked with Sir 's . " Brandon , you bastard , where is she ? " Kairi snarled . Brandon smirked and said warmly , " Ah , how long has it been Kairi ? Almost 13 years ? My how you 've grown , we 've been apart for far too long , in my opinion , anyway . How are you ? " Kairi merely stood there trying to calm her fury and settled with glaring at the black clad figure . Brandon , like the other men she knew were there , wore a black mask hiding their faces except for their mouths . Preventing people to see their faces , however , it didn 't work on Kairi . Brandon chuckled and said , " It stings once a year , my dear , and only once a year . " He removed his mask revealing four scars glowing crimson on his face . They began above his left eyebrow to his lower right jaw line , someone else 's right . He looked at Kairi , his gaze going down to her left wrist , which glowed cerulean blue . He smirked a bit at this and said , " And it seems I left a mark as well . Does it always glow ? " " Give them back ; they have nothing to do with this . It has to do with you and me alone . " Kairi said taking a few steps forward . Smirking Brandon said , " I thought you might say that , " he made another signal and the men removed their hostages ' blindfolds . Kairi quickly whipped out a glove and placed it on her left arm , covering her wrist , covering its glow . Brandon merely laughed and made another gesture , and the three men holding the Jones kids threw them at Kairi . Brandon turned to face his last captive and tilted her head up with his thumb and index finger . He spoke softly to Rini , as if she were a wounded animal he wanted to help , " She did a good job you know , raising you . She didn 't go to school until she was ten , keeping quiet and seemingly invisible . " Unable to do anything else , Rini just glared at him . But he didn 't stop , he continued , " She hacked into the government database . Made the Locator , designed to find her , have us go on a wild goose chase for 12 years , when she was five and from a pay phone no less . Then three weeks ago we discover that she 's been here the whole time , in her , and your , home town . " Rini 's eyes held a dawning expression as things clicked into place . Kairi turned to the Jones and said , " Get out of here , now . " They began to protest and she said quietly , " Dineh , gorea kaeyano mika doshi . " Immediately they stopped arguing and ran home , unable to help themselves . As the clock tower began to chime twelve , Kairi 's heart missed a beat . She spun around finding Brandon had turned around his hands firmly on Rini 's shoulders , and had a wild grin on his face . On the tenth chime he said , " Happy birthday , Kairi . " He threw Rini toward Kairi and shot her , Rini 's cries muffled by her gag and the rain . At the hospital , Kairi was in the waiting room resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands . ' Rini ; why did you make me promise not to heal you myself ? Why did you make me promise to take you to a hospital ? ' she asked herself this so many times it was forever etched into her mind . Kairi slightly regained her composure and walked down the hall to Rini 's room . When she opened the door , Rini looked over and smiled weakly at her . She walked over and took her sister 's hand in her own and whispered , " I 'm so sorry , " gently squeezing Rini 's hand . " It 's ok , " Rini whispered , " My coat ; can you get my coat for me ? " Kairi looked at Rini for a moment and then got the said object , which was in a chair by the room 's window . Rini began to search her pockets for something , when she stopped Rini looked up at Kairi and said quietly , " That man , he was the one who did it ; wasn 't he ? " Kairi nodded solemnly , and Rini continued , " Why ? " Reassured , Rini lifted her gaze and smiled brightly , " I know , now , why you don 't like your birthday . But you 're 18 now , so happy birthday big sister . " She took her hand out of the coat pocket and a little black velvet box was cradled in her palm . Rini held the box out to Kairi and said , " Open it . " Taking it Kairi regarded Rini for a moment before opening it . Inside she saw a pendent for a necklace . It was a black sword ; it had two blood crimson jewels in the handle at the beginning and end . It also had another jewel at the tip , which angled in just like the diamond shaped jewel and proceeded to the handle as a narrow piece of metal . " I 'm glad , " she said , " Kairi , make me a promise . " Rini 's eyes dulling by the second . Kairi nodded and she continued , " Don 't cry , don 't break your vow not to cry because of me . " " I love you too , but why are you talking like this ? " Then it hit her , she couldn 't hear her sister 's heart , she buzzed the nurse call and ran into the hallway . Kairi found the doctor running past her into the room ; some nurses followed closing the door behind them . Kairi stood outside the door not moving just staring at it , waiting . Then finally , after what seemed like eternity , the doctor came out and saw the worried look on the young girls face . He shook his head and walked down the hall , Kairi collapsed to her knees . She could feel her soul shattering more and more . Kairi 's eyes widened , and she gasped , " No . " Her right hand raised , she brought it down cutting into his four original scars and adding one new one with her thumb ; as a reminder to everything he took from her . She tore her wrist out of his grasp and disappeared down the hallway , not consciously thinking about where she was going , but her memories , and body did ; to the place where time and space meet Cross Roads . " Long ago , when the Fates were still making the universe , two gods became the best of friends . The god of the howling winds ; and the god of the drenching rains . They eventually became almost inseparable . A god 's essence is usually transferred into a mortal being , humans normally . They receive it because they receive the gift of Naivety . Given to the child , it is lost over time ; some sooner than others , but worn away none - the - less . " " Hey , hey you ! " the little boy yelled to the other . The ball holding boy turned toward the voice , he was also about four years old . He , however , was an inch or two taller than the other , with platinum blonde hair with emerald eyes . ' Two years later , they were inseparable . Chris was going over to Drew 's , for their first sleepover ever . Needless to say he was a little more than ecstatic . ' ' The whole night went smoothly ; they went to bed at eight . Three hours later they simultaneously awoke . Their chest throbbing in pain , and their heads felt like they were splitting in two . Somehow , unbeknownst to them , they ended up outside at a bad part of town . It was now 11 : 30 , and the rain and wind that had started and the pain that drove them crazy ; subsided a little . But they continued running and eventually ran down an alley way . The alley way turned out to be a dead end , and the pain was now tolerable . There was an old rusty swing at the end of the alley , and in it was a little girl with the blackest hair that fell to her knees if she stood up , made wavy by the rain . Her eyes were red and puffy , her cheeks had tear stains on them ; but you could tell that she wasn 't crying at the moment . She was also holding a bundle in her arms , as if she were trying to keep it dry . The little girl raised her head , and they saw the palest , almost like mist , gray eyes they 'd ever see . The seemed to glow , even with her eyes half lidded . Chris and Drew could feel the sorrow coming off her , as she studied them . The bundle she was holding moved and she turned her gaze to it ; the bundle was a baby , she was trying to keep it dry so it wouldn 't get sick Drew realized . She nodded slowly , when he opened his voice say something he stopped , all three , excluding the baby , did . " Did you hear that ? " Drew asked . The little girl stood up , shifting the baby so it was held with one arm , she walked over to the man hole in the middle of the little clearing , in a forest of buildings . The puddles she walked on , didn 't give off any ripples . Kneeling down , using her right hand she lifted the covering , like it was a piece of paper and placed it next to the hole . In a whispery voice she said , " Follow me . " With that she jumped down into the hole . The once black hole was now bright as a spot light , but didn 't hurt Chris 's or Drew 's eyes . They went down the ladder , where the little girl was waiting . Once both boys were on the ground she walked away , after she turned a corner the boys ran after her . They found her staring at a rock wall , which seemed to be a mile high . The wall repeated itself , and the little girl opened her mouth and confidently said , " Mistress . " The boys were still confused and she turned to them and asked , " Jiiara conii arrejea ? " Her question echoed through the sewage tunnel , which for some reason didn 't stink . Though never hearing that language before ; Chris and Drew both knew that it meant , " Who are you ? " " Rain , " Chris said a little above a whisper . The little girl Mistress put her right hand on the rock wall and walked through it , the surface rippling as she passed through . Chris and Drew soon followed suit . ' Wind laughed , " I know , remember when she went exploring the tunnels . We found her right after she broke a ' V 's ' arm ! And he was like 4 times as big as her . She just glared at him , and went back to ' Haven ' . " The usually unoccupied swing now held a young woman . Her long legs bent to accommodate the swings height , her hair half on the ground . Her half lidded eyes were down cast . She held a bandanna in her right hand , while her left fore arm was covered by a glove . In a whisper Wind asked , " Mistress ? " knowing she could hear him . She raised her head , and looked from him to Rain , then lowered her gaze again . It was times like these , even though the cause is horrible , that made her seem like she was human . The sky was crying for her , since all she would - could - do is allow her eyes to show how torn she is on the inside . Mistress merely nodded slightly so Rain stood up taking her with him . Leading her to the manhole he looked back at Mistress . She was looking at one of the many floating orbs , which happened to be souls . My Corner : And this was as far as I got [ yes this was the end of the chapter and Part 2 ] . I still reread this silly thing so I don 't forget how bad I was in comparison to where I am now and how much I 've improved over the past three years . Anywho , I shall no longer plague you with . . . posting after myself . [ * cowers from mods * ] Comments . . . uh have at it . I can 't really think of anything . A discussion of any sort would basically be welcome . Well , I don 't think a lot of people thought you were spouting nonsense . Or even you were psychotic . Just a bit hard sometimes on the new writers . Any time you pointed something out to me on my stories ( all of two , and only one time ) I 've taken it seriously . |
The first one is actually my mom 's story . Her grandmother moved to America as a young woman , a Russian Jew who emigrated after the pogroms . She met a nice young man , a tailor , another Russian immigrant who had fled the violence of the pogroms . That was my great - grandfather . My mom tells me that her grandmother would never talk about her life in Russia , but there was one story that she shared , when my mom asked her what the best gift she 'd ever had was . The second story is from Christmas 1983 . It was four o ' clock in the morning , later than even the most excited 8 year - old boy could stay awake , and at least two hours earlier than he would wake up on his own . My dad came into my room , woke me up , and said , " Get dressed and meet me in the living room . I 've laid out some warm clothes for you . Try not to wake your brother . " I worried that I may be in trouble , because the situation was so odd , but I hadn 't heard any anger in his voice , and so I did as he asked . He drove us to a downtown parking lot , where many other people had gathered . This was the distribution point for the Goodfellows program , a charitable effort to give gifts to impoverished families with children , so that they would have something under the tree on Christmas morning . They loaded the trunk of our car with sacks of toys , clothes , and groceries , gave us an address to visit , and then sent us on our way . Papa followed the directions we 'd been given , and pulled up 20 minutes later in front of a house in the worst part of East Lubbock . Together , we unloaded bags from the car , and he quietly tapped on the door , so he wouldn 't wake the children sleeping inside . The single mother who lived there with her children had been told when to expect the drop - off , so she met us at the door with a smile as we carried the sacks inside . She hugged my dad , and cried , and thanked him for his help . We drove back home , drinking hot chocolate on the way , and my brother and sister were just starting to wake up when we walked in the door . Every Christmas morning , I think of this story . These are the two experiences that shaped my thinking this month , and that made me want to try and do this hour of service each day of Advent , and to keep a grateful heart . You , my friends , and my readers , have probably been able to tell that my heart has been in a much more somber place these last few months . I can 't lie - there are some days when I am working very hard to hold it together . I miss my dad very much . Every day . I carried these heightened emotions along with me into some of these projects . That said , doing this project has brought me more joy than anything has in months . Just the feeling that with only an hour a day , I can put something positive out into the world is really uplifting . There are still so many who are hungry , or homeless , or hurt and in need of help , but I can do something about it . You can , too . Last night , I sat in Christmas Eve service with my family . I will tell you that the way I used to look forward to Christmas Morning as a child is how I now look forward to Christmas Eve service as an adult . Seeing my children by candlelight , watching them take in the procession of the wise men and the shepherds , makes my heart swell with love , and makes me feel like I am tying them into the line of something very ancient and powerful . There was this moment last night , as we held our candles , and Pastor Craig read from the first chapter of the Gospel of John , where this last month clicked into perspective for me . I said this yesterday , but again , I am so thankful to each of you who read , commented , emailed , or spoke with me . Thank you to anybody who encouraged me or who helped me to arrange service opportunities . Thank you again to everybody who helped make dinner at the Ronald McDonald house possible with your contributions . Merry Christmas and much love to you all . Have you ever heard of Ronald McDonald Family Rooms before ? This time last week , I never had . You 're probably familiar with Ronald McDonald Houses , which give an affordable place to stay to families who must travel to be with children who are receiving medical treatment . Sometimes , though , your child 's condition is serious enough that you can 't be that far from them . Ronald McDonald Family Rooms are meant to fill the need in those situations . They are a comfortable , welcoming space for families to come spend some time during the day . I arrived at UMC this morning a few moments before 9 o ' clock . A beautiful snow was falling , and I had to stop at the front door of the hospital for a minute . Today is December 24th . Today is exactly four months since my dad 's death . Today is the first time I 've walked through the doors of the hospital since that day . I called Courtney from the front door and she spoke a word of strength and encouragement to me . UMC 's family room is on the second floor , with the pediatric units . One of the conditions of its being available is that there must always be a volunteer present while it is open . A UMC nurse named Joyce was already in there today , and I got there in time to help her with the final few items on the morning checklist . The room is a really nice space . There 's a relaxing sitting area with a television , a quiet room with an internet - connected computer , and a well - stocked kitchen with plenty of snacks , coffee , and instant meals . There 's even a washer and dryer ( and clean extra clothes ) , and a bathroom with a shower and toiletries , all there for families who may have had to come in straight from an emergency . Joyce told me about the room and the volunteer program , and then told me what our special assignment today would be . It could not have been better - today we visited the children in the pediatric ICU to take them toys . There were only four patients in that unit today , all of them infants . I gathered a handful of Beanie Babies , and we made our way to the PICU , stopping to disinfect our hands on the way . Four rooms , four precious babies . The first one was sleeping peacefully , and his parents were dozing in a chair beside his bed . We gave the stuffed animal to his mother , and then left . In the next room , a beautiful girl was just waking . I waved and smiled to her , but I think the sight of a stranger may have frightened her , because she started to cry . We gave a stuffed bear to her mother , while her father picked her up to comfort her . The third baby 's grandmother was sitting with him , and had been there all night . She wept and hugged us , and thanked us for coming to see her . My own emotions were starting to rise . And then we stepped into the final room , where a young boy slept by himself . For privacy , I 've tried to say very little about these children or their conditions , so I will only say that the reason his parents were not there is because they are not currently allowed to be with him . I 'm not going to type this well , because I 'm starting to get emotional even now , but after I set down a toy on a cabinet in his room , I looked down at him in his crib , and my heart just clenched inside of me . Here was this strong , fantastic boy , a person , another of God 's children , with a life still ahead of him , and he was lying there hurt and alone and it was more than I could take . I 've been pretty open with my feelings during this project , and I 've told you all about the times when things have been difficult . Today was the first time I 've actually had to stop in the middle of a project , bow my head , and pray . I prayed for his healing , and that he would be surrounded with love , and that he would know that he is loved . I prayed for a better 2012 for him . I hope that 's what happens . I hope that next Christmas is the happiest day of his life . Gratitude Project : I 'm going to try my best to post a wrap - up for this project tomorrow , but since Christmas will probably be pretty busy , we 'll just have to see when I actually get around to it . What I 'm grateful for today is each of you who have joined me on this project . Everybody who read this , or who gave me ideas for service projects , and each of you who said kind things to me along the way . Thank you . Phew , busy day today . Courtney worked last night , and Jack 's daycare was closed today , so I had all three kids to keep occupied so she could sleep . We went for donuts for breakfast , made a trip to the grocery store to get some things before Courtney 's family came to town , and cleaned house a little to get ready for them . Then we headed to my mom 's house for a little while . She needed her turbine covers put on , but didn 't want to climb to the roof herself , so I was happy to help . The kids and I went to lunch with her after that , and then I took them bowling . Anyway , all of that is just to highlight that I had to plan my time carefully today if I was going to get my hour of service in . When the kids laid down for a nap after bowling , I sprung into action . I sprung into action by sitting down with my laptop . Along with much of the rest of the world , I 've watched the events of this year 's Arab Spring with great hope and interest . I 'm impressed by the resolve and courage that so many of these people have shown . I 've also been saddened to hear of the number of abuses that have been visited upon them by their governments . It has made me wish that there was something , anything , that I could do . For today 's project , I visited Amnesty International 's website , read about the names and cases of four people identified as " Prisoners of Conscience , " and wrote letters on their behalf . A prisoner of conscience is defined by AI as a person who has been imprisoned and / or persecuted for the non - violent expression of their conscientiously - held beliefs . One of Amnesty International 's campaigns is to make information about these prisoners available , along with people to write to and request clemency . The idea is to let those in authority know that the world is watching their actions . I chose the names of several individuals who have been detained in the Middle East , and hand - wrote letters to their countries ' justice systems . When the kids woke up , I took them with me to the post office , put international postage on the envelopes , and dropped them in the mail . Now to hope for the best . Gratitude Project : I feel like I 'm shirking a little bit , because I 've mentioned my kids in quite a few of these , but I really had a good day with them today . It can be kind of a challenge bowling with three kids , but you should have seen how much fun they had , and how proud they were when they bowled a good frame . When my in - laws arrived , they were so excited and full of joy . Sometimes you are blessed to look at a moment while you are still in the middle of it , and to know that it 's a memory you will carry with you . I had one of those with Ava today . I wanted to sit down and type this a little earlier in the evening , but she came to me and asked if I would help her make a house for her stuffed Eeyore . We found a cardboard box and used her crayons and markers to draw Christmas pictures all over it . Then she put him inside , put a blanket over the top , and told him to sleep tight . Sitting there on her bedroom floor , drawing candy canes and a little Nativity scene with her , was the type of moment I 'd always imagined having when I became the father of a daughter . Last month , when I asked for suggestions of places to perform service , my friend Courtney got in touch with me to tell me about Saint Benedict 's Chapel . It is located in downtown Lubbock , in a building that used to be a Subway franchise . They serve dinner to the hungry every night of the week . Each night , the cooking , serving , and cleanup is done by a different church or community group . Courtney goes to Second Baptist church , and comes down to serve with them on Thursdays . I 've previously shared a little about my sentimental fondness for downtown Lubbock , so I was glad for another opportunity to do some service in that part of town . I arrived at St . Ben 's at around 4 : 30 , when most of the cooking was done , and just before the serving started at 5 . Courtney 's mom was already there , and greeted me , and then Courtney arrived a few minutes later , and introduced me to some of the other volunteers . I haven 't seen Courtney in a while , so we caught up a little bit as we prepared drinks . We tried to figure out how long we 've known each other , and couldn 't really remember , but it 's been at least 20 years . Then it was time to let people in from the cold , and to serve dinner ! The menu tonight was fried chicken , potato salad , green beans , bread , and cake for dessert . Serving works a little differently here than it does at Second Helpings . There , the people line up and come through a serving line . At St . Ben 's , they find a seat and food is brought to them on a plate . I joined the group taking plates out to the guests , while another group made plates behind the counter . There 's a piano in one corner that 's used for Sunday morning services , but tonight one of the other volunteers played Christmas songs on it while he sang . It really added a lot of fun to the evening ! As people finished their plates , we took away their trash and took seconds to anybody who was still hungry . The hour passed quickly , and before I knew it , I had to leave so that I could get home with the kids before Courtney went to work . As I prepared to leave , an old friend of the family caught me , and wanted to make sure I told my mom hello . Serving for a day at St . Ben 's was really a lot of fun . I have to say , as much as I enjoy working at Second Helpings , I really liked the act of bringing food to people at their tables at Saint Benedict 's . It felt like I was serving individual people . Just two more days left in Project Advent ! I just finalized the arrangements for Saturday 's project today , and I 'm looking forward to it . I think it 'll be good . Gratitude Project : The family friend I mentioned above asked me very kindly about how we were all doing since Papa 's death in August . We 've had good days and bad , and some especially hard ones still happen sometimes . One thing constant through it all has been love and support from our friends . I 'm thankful for that today . I stayed up last night until far too late , playing Skyrim . Today has been pretty non - stop action , too . We actually completed today 's service pretty early in the day , but I 'm sitting here now , struggling to keep my eyes open long enough to tell you about it ! If this isn 't quite as interesting an entry as usual , chalk it up to sleepiness . Blake and Ava are out of school now , and I wanted to do something that I could include them in . I called one of the directors at Carillon , a retirement community in Lubbock , to see if we could come pay a visit . They were pleased to put us on their calendar , and to let us come . After we had breakfast with Courtney and dropped Jack at daycare , we came back home to get started . Once the cookies were made and cooled , it was to the car , and to Carillon . There was a really great Christmas display there that they wanted their pictures taken with . Then Tiffany , who works at Carillon , met with us and spent the next hour escorting us through some of the areas where residents were gathered , and letting us visit with them . The kids were so wonderful . They were polite and respectful , friendly and loving , and open to the experience of visiting with new people . They each sang Christmas songs for some of the residents , and Ava showed off some of her ballet moves . Blake talked with a man who retired from the Navy a long time ago , telling him all that he knows about ships . One kind grandfather shook Blake 's hand , and then kissed Ava 's , which she just about swooned over . On our way home , they both told me what a fun time they had this morning . That part was the most unexpected . I had hoped that they would enjoy themselves , and see the joy that their visit might bring to others , but they really , genuinely had fun . I was full of pride over these two . This is nothing to do with the service project , but I got the chance to end the day feeling proud of them , too , as they performed in our church 's childrens ' Christmas pageant . Ava was a star , and Blake was a wise man . Here 's some pictures . 31 " When the Son of Man comes in his glory , and all the angels with him , he will sit on his glorious throne . 32 All the nations will be gathered before him , and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats . 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left . 34 " Then the King will say to those on his right , ' Come , you who are blessed by my Father ; take your inheritance , the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world . 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat , I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink , I was a stranger and you invited me in , 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me , I was sick and you looked after me , I was in prison and you came to visit me . ' 37 " Then the righteous will answer him , ' Lord , when did we see you hungry and feed you , or thirsty and give you something to drink ? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in , or needing clothes and clothe you ? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you ? ' 40 " The King will reply , ' Truly I tell you , whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine , you did for me . ' About two weeks ago , I asked your help in covering the cost of food for a meal at Ronald McDonald House . I had no idea that my readers would come through so incredibly generously . Because you were a part of this special night , I 'd like to recognize you by name . All of you made this possible . Eddie texted me less than 20 minutes after I posted my appeal , and brought me a check that same night . His brother Erik , who was a friend to all , passed away earlier this year , and Eddie shared with me that he was doing this to honor Erik 's legacy . That meant a lot to me . God bless you , Petmecky family . I know that for each of you , there was something else you could have spent this money on , or one more present you could have put under the tree with it , so thank you for choosing to help me . All of you fed a stranger today ; all of you looked after " the least of these my brethren . " God bless you , and thank you so much . Thank you , too , to Rudy 's BBQ . As I mentioned in the post where I talk about the meal , Rudy 's not only smoked our briskets , they did it for free when I told them it was for Ronald McDonald House . If you are going out to eat sometime over the holidays , perhaps you 'd consider giving some support back to Rudy 's ? And if you happen to see a manager named Mr . Anthony Davis , would you please shake his hand , tell him that you heard about how he helped , and let him know that it was noticed ? Thank you to my mom . She not only made the single largest batch of macaroni salad she 's ever made , she was also responsible for donating dessert . Each year , Meals on Wheels has a fundraiser where they give you a coupon for a free frozen pie from United with a $ 5 donation . Each year , she gets like 40 and puts them in Christmas cards . This year , she gave me enough of them to make sure that everybody at Ronald McDonald House got to have a piece of pie after dinner tonight . Now , as promised , here is a summary of the donations and expenses . I 'll scan in the receipts tomorrow so that I can post them here . For items where there was extra leftover ( spices , foil , Ziploc bags , etc . ) the extra portion was given to the House to put in their pantry . Thank you , everybody , for your support , even if it was through kind words and prayer . This was a proud night for me and for you . Email This Tonight I am tired , but very happy . My family made dinner for the Ronald McDonald House tonight , and it was a complete success . Of all the things I 've done so far this month , this one definitely took the most planning , but the payoff was worth it . My mom told me I should count this one as multiple days of the project , since it took more than an hour ! I 'll be on vacation starting on Wednesday , and my original plan was to make dinner for the House later in the week . When I called them , though , the week was already pretty full , except for today . I asked them to go ahead and put me on the calendar , and resolved to work out the details later . I did all of my shopping Saturday , at Sam 's and Market Street . Even when it 's just for one meal , your kitchen gets pretty full when it 's holding food for 40 - 50 people ! On Sunday , Blake and Ava helped me do some prep by washing , chopping , and bagging vegetables , so that all we 'd have to do when we got there is cook them . My mom made the macaroni salad . About the briskets - I don 't own a smoker , and there 's no way I could have prepared that much meat on my own . I 'd heard that Rudy 's BBQ will smoke your meat for you , for a fee , so I gave them a call . They don 't ordinarily take in customer orders on weekends , but when I explained that it was for the Ronald McDonald House , the manager not only agreed to do it , he agreed to do it for free . There are four ovens in their kitchen , which worked out just right for what I needed . Beans went in one , vegetables in another , and pies in the other two . While we waited for the food to finish cooking , the kids went into the playroom , where some other boys and girls who were staying at the House were playing . I was really proud of them . They played so nicely with those children , and I hope that it was a happy part of the day for all of them . It was really sweet to watch . A little past 6 , I started pulling dinner out of the ovens , and the House staff announced that food was ready . The Ronald McDonald House in Lubbock is directly across the street from UMC , and families work their way in over the course of the evening to eat , not all at once . The House director told me that sometimes one of her staff will walk through the kitchen at midnight , and still find people in there eating . Still , I 'd guess that while we were there , a good 20 people came through , and they really seemed to be enjoying the food . Several people thanked us very kindly , and told us that the food was good . I 'm going to pat my own back for a second here , and agree that the food turned out very good . Usually , I 'm eager for the chance to visit with people , but tonight I thought it would be best just to let people relax , have their dinner , and enjoy themselves . I sat with my family as we ate our dinner , and just really enjoyed watching other families having their dinner . I was so thankful to have been there , and that it went well . My heart is completely full tonight . I am ecstatic . Actually , I 'm kind of excited for the chance to try this out , because ever since the day that I did some work at the Red Cross , I 've thought that their Holiday Giving Catalog is just a really great idea . To summarize , you get to go " shopping " at the Red Cross 's website , and what you purchase is an item or service that helps them with their mission . There 's really a wide variety of choices , too : blankets or temporary shelters for disaster areas , phone cards and comfort / hygiene packs for soldiers , swimming lessons for kids , food truck sponsorships for when they go in the field , and on and on . What makes it cool is that you 're not just sending money and wondering what happens with it . You get to choose exactly what you want it spent on . Today I made a donation for the purchase of blankets . It was an amount close to one hour of my pay , which was my criteria for donations , but I had another reason for choosing that , too . When it snowed a few weeks ago , I went into my children 's rooms just before I went to bed , and made sure that they were covered snugly under their blankets . It 's something that I do on a lot of nights , but on that night I realized how much pleasure and joy I take from that small act of making sure that they are warm and comfortable . When I saw that item in the Red Cross catalog , I thought of what it must be like to lose your home in a disaster , and not be able to see to that basic bedtime moment . That 's why I wanted to give blankets . Today 's project was a lot of fun . The donation that I mailed back on Day 3 was for Christmas food boxes , to be distributed by the South Plains Food Bank . As I mentioned in that post , these come at an important time for many families . If their children are on meal programs at school , they will at least receive breakfast and lunch each day , but when school lets out for the holidays , there 's no help . These boxes contain about enough food to feed a family for a week . Today was distribution day . There were two main areas for volunteers to work , distributing boxes outside to cars as they drove through , or filling sacks with produce and fresh goods inside . There were plenty of people outside , so Blake and I headed back to the dock where the sacks were going to be filled . There were pallets and pallets and cartons and boxes , all filled with different fresh goods . Lots of different fruits and vegetables , cheese , bread , and potatoes . Our job was to take brown paper grocery sacks and fill them to the very top with an assortment of goods . When we started , there were only about five of us there , so it was kind of slow going . More volunteers began to come , though , and we built a pretty efficient assembly line process , filling bags within a few seconds . The bags were getting filled more quickly , but this actually introduced a few new hitches . First , Blake ( and his friend from church , Jackson ) was starting to get restless , because he wasn 't really a part of the assembly line . Second , empty boxes were starting to pile up . Third , the speed of assembly meant that the bagging area quickly ran out of goods to bag . " Hey boys , come here . I have an important job for you . See all of these empty boxes ? They need to be broken down , flattened out , and thrown into that box so they can go to the baler . Can you do that ? " While the boys broke and stomped boxes , I kept busy doing resupplying . As one part of the sacking area would begin to run out of things , I 'd bring over more goods to fill it with . We 'd keep getting to the bottom of one stack of things , only to discover something entirely different underneath it . It was great ! I kept thinking of the family who would enjoy the cartons of strawberries we 'd just found , or imagining the salsa that somebody might make with the tomatoes , onions , and jalapenos that we put in a bag together . There 's just one week left in Project Advent . I didn 't stack it this way on purpose , but I have some things coming up this week that I 'm very eagerly anticipating . I 'm looking forward to sharing them with you . Gratitude Project : I was shopping today for Monday 's project , and ran into one of my favorite teachers of all time , Ms . Sara Duncan . Anybody else who went to LHS will probably feel the same way , although I imagine every school has " that " teacher . I had the nicest talk with her , and was so proud to introduce her to Jack , who was with me , and who acted like a true gentleman for once . just nearly didn 't stay awake to type it up . Courtney is working tonight , and Ava asked if she could sleep in my bed , so I said sure . It 's not enough just for her to be in there , though . She also needs to be cuddled . " OK , " I told her , " But just for ten minutes . " And of course , I fell asleep before she did and happened to rouse myself about ninety minutes later . . . Today might have been the best day yet of Project Advent . Celeste , who works at Blake and Ava 's school , is on the board of Lubbock 's Hope Lodge , and told me about it . Are you familiar with Hope Lodge ? I wasn 't . It is an outreach of the American Cancer Society . It 's a place where cancer patients and their caregivers and loved ones can stay if they have to travel for medical treatment . It is free of charge . The one in Lubbock is the first , and so far only , one in Texas . Celeste put me in touch with the folks at Hope Lodge , and I set up a time to go today . When I arrived , Sandreena , the lady I had spoken with , told me that they really didn 't have much going on today for me to help out with . I told her that I 'd be happy even just running a vacuum and emptying trash cans , so that 's just what I did , after another employee , Casey , showed me around . There 's a very nice living room area on the first floor that needed to be vacuumed - their Christmas tree has lots of glittery decorations , and there was glitter all over the floor ! After that , I rounded up some trash and did a little cleaning in the first floor bathrooms . I needed something else to do , so I walked down the hallway to the kitchen area . The kitchen is a perfect example of what the Hope Lodge offers . It 's not just a place to stay , it 's a place to be encouraged and be part of a community of support . The kitchen is one large area with four separate , smaller but complete kitchens in each corner . I started to empty a dishwasher , and that 's when today went from just housecleaning to something really good . A woman was in the kitchen , putting some things away after the lunch she 'd eaten with her husband . I 'll just call her Mrs . M . Mrs . M 's husband is currently in treatment with cancer that had previously gone into remission , but has since returned . We began to visit . She was excited that they are returning home tomorrow , and that they will be spending Christmas with their children and grandchildren . They are hoping for more Christmases . She asked about my family , and I was only too happy to tell her about my kids , and to show pictures . It happened that fast . My throat closed , and tears filled my eyes . I couldn 't say anything else . Seconds of silence , and then I was able to quietly mouth , " August . . . leukemia . " And she looked at me and understood , and then I was crying , and this kind woman who is there to support her own loved one put her arms around me , and was comforting me . Gratitude Project : I like to have a plan , and I feel successful when I execute a plan and flustered when things don 't go to plan . One of the biggest lessons I 've had to learn , then , is that the very best moments are the unplanned ones , the serendipitous ones . I 'm thankful to have those reminders on days like today . I tried something different today . Last week , when I asked for help to line up a day of volunteering , my friend Laurie told me about an online site that allows you to find organizations in need of assistance that can be performed on your computer . The tasks cover a range of needs : fundraising , web design , research , translation , transcription , marketing , etc . This isn 't exactly what I had in mind when I started Project Advent , but it was something unique and interesting enough that I wanted to try it out . The specific site that Laurie told me about was the UN Volunteers site . It had some interesting projects , most of which required some kind of lead time and ongoing commitment . That made it a little bit hard to find opportunities that could be performed in an hour . I signed up to help with some website redevelopment for the Christian Fellowship and Care Foundation , and looked elsewhere . What I found was a site called Sparked . After you set up a profile , it asks you to select what sorts of causes are most interesting to you , and what kind of skills you have to contribute , and then suggests possible matches . I won 't bore you with all the details , but during my lunchtime today I found three different matches that I was able to give some help to within the space of an hour - a school district needing help with their database management , an environmental lobbyists group having trouble with their email server , and website testing for a Cambodian children 's charity . This was fun ! There were many project needs that would require some more commitment than what I had time to give today , but I may come back to this and find some other groups to help out sometime . I think it would be something I may pick up if I was bored at home on a weekend or something , because the experience just isn 't the same as showing up someplace , meeting people , and doing a service for them . Part of what 's made this project so rewarding has been the relationships with people , and that 's just not something you can get from your laptop . Gratitude Project : This is kind of a silly one today , but it 's something that I felt strongly grateful for this morning , so I 'm sharing it . I 'm thankful for Jack 's big , smooshy cheeks . He 's nearly three , but he 's still got that wonderful baby fat face that you can just kiss all day long . A really funny thing happened during my shift at Second Helpings yesterday , and I was so excited to have met Billy Gillispie that I completely forgot to write about it . A lot of this was in the live delivery , so I probably can 't do it justice here . Nancy , who leads the Second Helpings ministry , was telling us about a visit from her granddaughters last week . They were having the nicest time , laughing together , and trying on some of Nancy 's sweaters . She told us how sweet she thought they were . Then she found out that the reason they were so interested in her sweaters is because they were looking for something to wear to an ugly Christmas sweater party . " And just that fast , I went from telling them what darlings they were to telling them that they were monsters who needed to get out of my closet right that very second , thankyouverymuchandIhopeJesussavesyou ! " Today , it was back to All Saints for my last chess club visit of 2011 , since the kids ' last day of school before Christmas break is Tuesday . I had sort of wanted to bring some kind of gift along with me to give to the kids , but since attendance varies from five to fifteen kids , I couldn 't decide what it should be . I also don 't have too much money to put into it , since payday doesn 't come until tomorrow . Since the club meets at lunch time , I decided just to bring some cookies along , and that turned out to be just fine with the five boys who showed up today . While Blake and Ripon played , I started a game with a second grader named Aiden . I thought that I was being crafty , and then he closed the noose and checkmated me . I 'm going to have to use the Christmas break to strengthen my game some . . . After our game , Blake wanted to play me , but we only got a few moves in before the guys had to put away the boards and go back to class . I promised him that if he did his homework and cleaned his room quickly tonight , we 'd play at home . There 's a stone chess set that used to be my dad 's , and Blake really likes to play with it . There were quite a few cookies left , so Blake and I took them over to the teacher 's lounge for them to enjoy . A double shot of service ! I intentionally avoided putting too many limits on myself at the start of this project , because I wanted to leave myself a little bit of room to help wherever I thought it would be needed . I 'd considered making one of the rules say that I had to do an hour of service for somebody different each day , to keep things from getting boring for my readers , but decided that I wanted to be careful about even limiting myself that much . I mention all of this because I know that today is my third visit to Second Helpings so far ( and I 'm planning one more next Tuesday ) . I have to tell you , though - I love it . I 'm probably going to try and keep going at least once a week even after Project Advent is finished . It 's fun , it 's close to my work , and it 's rewarding . One of the friends I 've made there is another regular volunteer named Nell . She really made me feel good today , telling me that she was so glad I 'd kept coming , and that it meant a lot to her to see me there . I kind of want to see if Nell will adopt me as her grandson . Today 's menu was spaghetti with meat sauce , three different kinds of vegetables , chicken , bread , salad , fruit cocktail , and cake for dessert . Most of the food prep was pretty well underway when I arrived and signed in , but there was one more task that nobody else seemed to want : chopping onions . For whatever reason , onions have never bothered my eyes all that much , so I washed my hands , put on an apron , and got to work . As I chopped , I wondered what I would mention about today 's project when I wrote it up , to make it interesting . Then I heard lots of voices coming from the next room , and went in to see that the Texas Tech men 's basketball team had just arrived ! New head coach ( and former Texas A & M coach ) Billy Gillispie is having his team participate in twelve days of service projects , the Red Raider 12 Days of Christmas , and today they were helping us at Second Helpings . Their coaches put them to work rolling up plasticware inside of napkins , and I stepped across the room to introduce myself to Coach Gillispie . Now , if you follow college sports much ( which I admittedly don 't ) , you may remember a few years ago when Coach Gillispie left A & M . There were some very hard feelings about how he made the announcement and the move . I have to admit that I was pretty sore over it , too . I 'd never been much of an Aggie basketball fan until he got there and turned the program around , and when he left so abruptly , it was upsetting . It was the kind of thing that a guy ( like me ) and his buddies might sit around and grumble about over beers , while saying things like , " If I ever get eye - to - eye with that guy . . . " Fortunately , I lack the courage of my drunken convictions , because it turns out that Coach Gillispie is as friendly a guy as you could hope to meet . I introduced myself , told him that I 'd loved watching him turn A & M 's team into a winning one , and that I looked forward to watching him at Tech , too . Then I asked him if I could get a picture with him - this is when I figured out the problem with my phone 's camera . The problem is that I keep handing it to old people who have never used a camera phone before . At least BCG is in focus in the picture . After the team and volunteers had all eaten , we began getting ready to serve . The meal always begins with announcements and recognition of anybody whose birthday is that day . After that was taken care of , the team was introduced , and Coach Gillispie briefly addressed the room to thank them for the opportunity to come serve . One of his players , Robert Lewandowski , gave a blessing , and then we began to make plates . Usually , the people in attendance walk through the line and receive their food , but we did it differently today . Our guests remained seated while the servers put food on the plates , and the team waited tables , taking plates out to the guests . In almost every situation that I 'm in , I 'm the tallest guy in the room . That 's why I had to get one more picture today , flanked by people taller than me . These two players put their guns up , and I had the last - second idea to try and flash a Gig ' Em , but I didn 't get my thumb out fast enough . You can kind of see where my hand is coming up behind the edge of the guy 's apron to my left . A generous friend gave me five tickets to take my family to see the Red Raiders play Cal State - Bakersfield on December 27th , since I 'll be on vacation from work . I 'm really looking forward to it , especially now that I 've worked alongside these guys . They 're a wonderful group , and I think it speaks volumes about them that they 're out in the community giving their time right in the middle of final exams . I 'll be cheering them on this season , except on January 14th , when they 'll be making a long , tearful trip home from College Station . One week from today is when I will be preparing a meal for the guests of Ronald McDonald House . If you would like to help me cover the cost of food , I 'd be very grateful . It 's not too late ! Just click on the " Donate " button on the right side of your screen , and you 'll be taken to a PayPal page where you can donate any amount . ( THE FUNDRAISER IS NOW COMPLETE , AND THE BUTTON HAS BEEN REMOVED . THANK YOU ! ) It 's really gratifying , as a blogger , to have moments when you find out that what you are writing is reaching people . I have friends who I know are reading , but it 's especially exciting to find out that you 're being read by people outside of that circle . Yesterday , I felt lousy . I took the kids out to lunch at Dickey 's , where kids eat free on Sundays , so that I wouldn 't have to cook anything , and so they 'd be out of the house and let Courtney get to sleep , since she had to work last night . While I was there , I had two very cool encounters . The first was with a friend who I very seldom see in real life anymore , but who was there with her family . I 'd only posted my blog entry about two hours before , but she 'd already seen it , and told me that she hoped I 'd feel better soon . Thanks , Melissa ! The second was as I was getting the kids seated at our table . From the next table over , I heard a man quietly tell his wife , " That 's the guy I was telling you about , with the Advent blog . " I took a sneak peek a minute later , and it was a man I 'd never seen before . Thanks for reading , friend ! I actually had something else lined up for today , but then it fell through over the weekend . Although there are lots of deserving organizations to volunteer for , many of them require a background check or some training , two things that I didn 't have time for if I was going to line something up in time for today ! Writing another check wasn 't an option , either , because I 'm a little busted until payday on Thursday . I put out a call for help on Facebook , and quickly got this response from Lauren , a friend from high school : My husband is the chairman of the board of the Red Cross . That 's right , I am bragging . He said to call Molly . She can hook you up . You can tell her Bill said to call . I don 't know if the Red Cross has done this in the past , but they have a really neat program this year . As a gift in a loved one 's honor , you can choose from a whole range of needed services that your money will sponsor , from a care kit for a wounded veteran , to a day of hot meals from the disaster relief truck , or blankets for disaster survivors . There is a website where you can learn more , or purchase gifts , but there 's also a printed catalog that the Red Cross office had a box full of . What they needed help with was addressing these catalogs for delivery to members of their board , and to some of their larger donors . Molly set me up with a list , a box of mailing labels , and a pen , and set me to work . It was a pretty long list , but I had just enough time to handwrite each label and then stick them all to catalogs before I had to go . There were actually quite a few names on that list of people I know , so if you get information from Red Cross in the next few days , and it has a really horribly hand - lettered label on it , chances are I wrote it . Have you thought of what a gift that is ? And we can approach Him in prayer whenever we wish to , and avail ourselves of his endless forgiveness . That 's what I 'm thankful for today . Crud , you guys . . . I am sick . My chest feels like it 's been stuffed full of kerosene - soaked sawdust , and somebody is holding a match to it each time I breathe . I really don 't like missing church this time of year , when our sanctuary is so beautiful , our fantastic choir is singing Christmas songs , and the Advent candles are being lit . But I gave the Holwerdas a rare pajama Sunday today , because I need the rest , and I don 't feel like being Patient Zero in a flu outbreak at FUMC . I think I may have brought this on myself with all of the extra time outside yesterday and Friday . Fortunately , I planned ahead for this contingency ! Actually , I 'd planned to use this as a free day to take Courtney on a date one night next weekend , but it turns out she 's working all next weekend , so . . . Anyway , I dropped a donation to the Texas Boys Ranch in the mailbox . I know it doesn 't go out until tomorrow , but I 'm still counting it . The Boys Ranch has been a part of Lubbock as far back as I can remember . It turns out that it 's exactly as old as I am , since it was opened in 1975 . They are a faith - based residential facility for children aged 4 - 18 , where abused and neglected children live in groups with house parents , and are given help through counseling , therapy , and even vocational training . It is also an actual , working 460 acre ranch , where the children get to take part in the responsibilities of running the ranch . Last year , for the first time in their history , they made the decision to open their doors to girls , too , so that siblings can stay together at the ranch . They have helped hundreds of Lubbock 's children . OK , I 'm going to take some Mucinex and head back to bed so that I can do something tomorrow . Gratitude Project : I get blasted by one or two good colds per year , but I 'm blessed with very good health overall . Really , better than I deserve , given how little attention I 've paid to maintaining it over the years . When we 're sick , we often pray for healing , but when was the last time you prayed to thank God on a day you were healthy ? Today , I 'm going to lift a prayer of gratitude for all the healthy days I have . I don 't especially like animals . There , I said it . This shouldn 't be such a big thing , but there are people who treat this admission as something on par with saying that my hobby is pushing old ladies down staircases . I mean , I don 't hate animals , and I 'm certainly not cruel to them , I just don 't really like them . There was one puppy who made a temporary crack in my shell , but I kind of got over that the longer he stayed with us . Before I started Project Advent , I asked my friends for suggestions of things that I could do , and one of them suggested Lubbock 's Haven Animal Care Shelter . I was ready to brush off the suggestion , but then I realized that it was actually kind of perfect for this project . It 's not something that I would usually do on my own , and it 's a place that needs help . They are a donation - funded no - kill shelter for abused , neglected , abandoned , or ownerless animals . The Haven has regular volunteer times on Saturdays from 9 - 5 . I called last week to see if we needed to let them know when we 'd be there , and they told me just to show up , so that 's what Blake and I did this morning . Today was their annual photos with Santa event at PetSmart , where they send volunteers to that store to let people take photos of their pets with Santa . Because of that , there were fewer volunteers than usual at the actual shelter . Blake and I walked into the office and introduced ourselves to Angela , the volunteer coordinator . After we 'd signed in , she gave us some jobs . I would be making the rounds to the animal buildings and putting out food . This place doesn 't look like much when you pull in , but here 's a picture of it from above . All of those buildings are part of the Haven , and they all have animals that need feeding . The Haven is a really interesting and unique facility . They don 't just house dogs and cats , but nearly any pet that needs shelter . I asked if they had room for our canine visitor , but they currently don 't . Oh well . Merry Christmas , dogs . & amp ; lt ; p & amp ; gt ; & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; br & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; br & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; br & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; br & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; b & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; Grat & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; / b & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; & amp ; lt ; / p & amp ; gt ; Gratitude Project : I 've noted this before , but I 'm always amazed by the reservoir of love that my children show me . I know that so far in this project I 've mentioned being thankful for their perspective and for the other people who love them , but this is about what they give back to me . To be really honest , I am struggling a lot with Jack right now . There 's sweetness in him , but it 's inside a lot of other stuff that I just can 't , for the life of me , make my way through . When he went to bed tonight , we were both really upset with each other . But I know that when he wakes up , he 's going to come running to me with open arms , ready to start a new day . It 's humbling . So , anyway , I have some karmic debt to repay to the Salvation Army . My dad was actually a big supporter of the SA , doing lots of volunteer work with them for several years . I decided that I would serve them today as that most iconic of Christmas sights - a bell ringer outside of a store . And so it was that I showed up outside of WalMart a few minutes before noon to relieve James , the ringer who 'd been there all morning . Sometimes , service means playing games with sweet kids . Those hours go fast . Sometimes , service means ringing a bell in thirty - five degree weather , in the shade of a WalMart entrance . Those hours go sloooow . Here are tricks to make the time pass more quickly : I 'm here to tell you that people do still drop money in those kettles . I couldn 't keep any sort of count while I was out there , but a lot of people dropped in at least some change , and quite a few tucked folded bills in there . James came back from his lunch , we switched back , and I wished him well before heading back to the office . I actually thought that I was smiling when I self - shot this picture , but I was so cold that I may not really have been able to feel my face . More than once , I thought that I should have worn a hat , but it doesn 't seem right when I 'm doing public service to deprive the public of the sight of my hair . You don 't hide your light under a bushel ! Plus , it 's the only part of me in this picture that doesn 't look like The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come . Gratitude Project : Tonight is my company Christmas party , and I 'm really looking forward to it . Vista Bank always puts on a really fun party . I 'm thankful to work with good , strong , honest people , and to have an employer who has always treated me fairly , and allowed me to put my family first . Not to mention the fact that they don 't get on me when I occasionally need a lunch break a teensy bit longer than an hour in order to do a service project . UPDATE ON THE PAYPAL BUTTON : Several people reported that the button to make PayPal donations for the Ronald McDonald House dinner wasn 't working correctly . After working on this with PayPal support , it appears to be working correctly , and several donations have come through . However , some people are still reporting trouble . If you would like to donate , and the button isn 't working correctly for you , please feel free to contact me to set up an alternate method , or just PayPal it to me without using the button . = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I write about my kids a lot , right ? Sometimes , I 'm proud of them . Sometimes , they make me crazy . In good times and bad , though , I 'm always glad to have them . When you 're doing well , it 's easy to take for granted the parts of your life that you are blessed to have . Here is a sad , sad fact about the city I live in . The Lubbock region has the highest confirmed rate of child abuse per capita in the State of Texas for 2008 and 2009 at 22 . 7 per 1 , 000 kids vs . the state average of 10 . 5 per 1 , 000 kids . Nearly 1 , 200 children were in foster care in the Lubbock region last year . This hurts me to know . Since we are in the season of Advent , and since Advent is why I 'm doing this project , there 's an article that I 'd like to share with you , about looking at Joseph as a model of honorable fatherhood . When he was faced with a situation that was difficult to explain at best , and possibly dangerous at worst , Joseph took heed of what the angel told him . He loved and raised Jesus as his own son , although he knew that Jesus was not his son , but the Son of God . How different is our world because Joseph was the man in Jesus 's life , raising Him and caring for Him until He was an adult , until He was ready to begin His ministry ? I am no Joseph . I wouldn 't even dare to make that comparison . But I can try to be a positive part of a child 's life . Tonight I visited the Women 's Protective Services shelter for their weekly mentoring night . Here 's a description from their website : Children are changed by growing up with violence and abuse at home . One of the top 10 ways a child can be changed by violence at home is that they are denied a father and positive role model . Mentoring is an opportunity to make a measureable difference in the life of a battered child . Women 's Protective Services of Lubbock , Inc . is seeking outgoing , dedicated individuals to Mentor at WPS . Mentors meet every Thursday from 6 : 00 pm - 7 : 00 pm and interact with the children that reside at WPS and helping them have fun . Activities range from arts and crafts , board games , movie nights , pizza parties , play basketball , football and go on field trips . Mentors will work with one to a few children at a time . Courtney was scheduled to work tonight , so I needed someplace to drop my own kids first . My friend Ann , who I have known for 30 years ( ! ) , told me that she 'd be happy to babysit if I needed to be kidless for one of my projects , and was very kind to let the junior Holwerdas come join her and her two kids tonight . My kids were really excited to have an evening to play with John and Caroline , who they are already friends with at church ! Ann gave the kids a really fun evening - they had pizza , did a special Advent craft , and played together . I 'm afraid I have to be a little bit vague on some of the details of tonight 's project . When I arrived at the shelter , I signed a confidentiality agreement , agreeing that I wouldn 't discuss anything about the people , situations , or anything else that I heard or saw while I was there , but I think I can still talk about what we did . Every Thursday , there are activities planned for the kids while their moms attend groups . The kids were watching Merry Madagascar when I got there , and eating popcorn . As some of them started to get bored with the movie , I went with them into the playroom , where we played different board games for a while , until the movie ended and the rest of the kids joined us . We all played together for a while more , and then their moms were coming to pick them up . The hour passed really quickly . I 'm going to carry this evening with me for a while . There was a teenaged boy who I was playing Jenga with , and a little girl came and sat in his lap . I asked if she was his sister , and he said , " No , she just feels safe with me . " I played with another child , and asked their name . It was the same as one of my children . Gratitude Project : Be real before God . . . My heart really hurts tonight . I was only with these kids for one hour , and I feel like it was literally the very least bare minimum that I could do . They need and deserve so much more . But I also have much to be thankful for . Today , it 's something a little silly and maybe even kind of vain , but I got some new dress shoes . My first new pair of black shoes in nearly five years . It turns out that having three kids is kind of expensive , so there 's not always money for that stuff , you know ? Anyway , I 'm thankful that I have the means and opportunity to have some new shoes today . |
The first one is actually my mom 's story . Her grandmother moved to America as a young woman , a Russian Jew who emigrated after the pogroms . She met a nice young man , a tailor , another Russian immigrant who had fled the violence of the pogroms . That was my great - grandfather . My mom tells me that her grandmother would never talk about her life in Russia , but there was one story that she shared , when my mom asked her what the best gift she 'd ever had was . The second story is from Christmas 1983 . It was four o ' clock in the morning , later than even the most excited 8 year - old boy could stay awake , and at least two hours earlier than he would wake up on his own . My dad came into my room , woke me up , and said , " Get dressed and meet me in the living room . I 've laid out some warm clothes for you . Try not to wake your brother . " I worried that I may be in trouble , because the situation was so odd , but I hadn 't heard any anger in his voice , and so I did as he asked . He drove us to a downtown parking lot , where many other people had gathered . This was the distribution point for the Goodfellows program , a charitable effort to give gifts to impoverished families with children , so that they would have something under the tree on Christmas morning . They loaded the trunk of our car with sacks of toys , clothes , and groceries , gave us an address to visit , and then sent us on our way . Papa followed the directions we 'd been given , and pulled up 20 minutes later in front of a house in the worst part of East Lubbock . Together , we unloaded bags from the car , and he quietly tapped on the door , so he wouldn 't wake the children sleeping inside . The single mother who lived there with her children had been told when to expect the drop - off , so she met us at the door with a smile as we carried the sacks inside . She hugged my dad , and cried , and thanked him for his help . We drove back home , drinking hot chocolate on the way , and my brother and sister were just starting to wake up when we walked in the door . Every Christmas morning , I think of this story . These are the two experiences that shaped my thinking this month , and that made me want to try and do this hour of service each day of Advent , and to keep a grateful heart . You , my friends , and my readers , have probably been able to tell that my heart has been in a much more somber place these last few months . I can 't lie - there are some days when I am working very hard to hold it together . I miss my dad very much . Every day . I carried these heightened emotions along with me into some of these projects . That said , doing this project has brought me more joy than anything has in months . Just the feeling that with only an hour a day , I can put something positive out into the world is really uplifting . There are still so many who are hungry , or homeless , or hurt and in need of help , but I can do something about it . You can , too . Last night , I sat in Christmas Eve service with my family . I will tell you that the way I used to look forward to Christmas Morning as a child is how I now look forward to Christmas Eve service as an adult . Seeing my children by candlelight , watching them take in the procession of the wise men and the shepherds , makes my heart swell with love , and makes me feel like I am tying them into the line of something very ancient and powerful . There was this moment last night , as we held our candles , and Pastor Craig read from the first chapter of the Gospel of John , where this last month clicked into perspective for me . I said this yesterday , but again , I am so thankful to each of you who read , commented , emailed , or spoke with me . Thank you to anybody who encouraged me or who helped me to arrange service opportunities . Thank you again to everybody who helped make dinner at the Ronald McDonald house possible with your contributions . Merry Christmas and much love to you all . Have you ever heard of Ronald McDonald Family Rooms before ? This time last week , I never had . You 're probably familiar with Ronald McDonald Houses , which give an affordable place to stay to families who must travel to be with children who are receiving medical treatment . Sometimes , though , your child 's condition is serious enough that you can 't be that far from them . Ronald McDonald Family Rooms are meant to fill the need in those situations . They are a comfortable , welcoming space for families to come spend some time during the day . I arrived at UMC this morning a few moments before 9 o ' clock . A beautiful snow was falling , and I had to stop at the front door of the hospital for a minute . Today is December 24th . Today is exactly four months since my dad 's death . Today is the first time I 've walked through the doors of the hospital since that day . I called Courtney from the front door and she spoke a word of strength and encouragement to me . UMC 's family room is on the second floor , with the pediatric units . One of the conditions of its being available is that there must always be a volunteer present while it is open . A UMC nurse named Joyce was already in there today , and I got there in time to help her with the final few items on the morning checklist . The room is a really nice space . There 's a relaxing sitting area with a television , a quiet room with an internet - connected computer , and a well - stocked kitchen with plenty of snacks , coffee , and instant meals . There 's even a washer and dryer ( and clean extra clothes ) , and a bathroom with a shower and toiletries , all there for families who may have had to come in straight from an emergency . Joyce told me about the room and the volunteer program , and then told me what our special assignment today would be . It could not have been better - today we visited the children in the pediatric ICU to take them toys . There were only four patients in that unit today , all of them infants . I gathered a handful of Beanie Babies , and we made our way to the PICU , stopping to disinfect our hands on the way . Four rooms , four precious babies . The first one was sleeping peacefully , and his parents were dozing in a chair beside his bed . We gave the stuffed animal to his mother , and then left . In the next room , a beautiful girl was just waking . I waved and smiled to her , but I think the sight of a stranger may have frightened her , because she started to cry . We gave a stuffed bear to her mother , while her father picked her up to comfort her . The third baby 's grandmother was sitting with him , and had been there all night . She wept and hugged us , and thanked us for coming to see her . My own emotions were starting to rise . And then we stepped into the final room , where a young boy slept by himself . For privacy , I 've tried to say very little about these children or their conditions , so I will only say that the reason his parents were not there is because they are not currently allowed to be with him . I 'm not going to type this well , because I 'm starting to get emotional even now , but after I set down a toy on a cabinet in his room , I looked down at him in his crib , and my heart just clenched inside of me . Here was this strong , fantastic boy , a person , another of God 's children , with a life still ahead of him , and he was lying there hurt and alone and it was more than I could take . I 've been pretty open with my feelings during this project , and I 've told you all about the times when things have been difficult . Today was the first time I 've actually had to stop in the middle of a project , bow my head , and pray . I prayed for his healing , and that he would be surrounded with love , and that he would know that he is loved . I prayed for a better 2012 for him . I hope that 's what happens . I hope that next Christmas is the happiest day of his life . Gratitude Project : I 'm going to try my best to post a wrap - up for this project tomorrow , but since Christmas will probably be pretty busy , we 'll just have to see when I actually get around to it . What I 'm grateful for today is each of you who have joined me on this project . Everybody who read this , or who gave me ideas for service projects , and each of you who said kind things to me along the way . Thank you . Phew , busy day today . Courtney worked last night , and Jack 's daycare was closed today , so I had all three kids to keep occupied so she could sleep . We went for donuts for breakfast , made a trip to the grocery store to get some things before Courtney 's family came to town , and cleaned house a little to get ready for them . Then we headed to my mom 's house for a little while . She needed her turbine covers put on , but didn 't want to climb to the roof herself , so I was happy to help . The kids and I went to lunch with her after that , and then I took them bowling . Anyway , all of that is just to highlight that I had to plan my time carefully today if I was going to get my hour of service in . When the kids laid down for a nap after bowling , I sprung into action . I sprung into action by sitting down with my laptop . Along with much of the rest of the world , I 've watched the events of this year 's Arab Spring with great hope and interest . I 'm impressed by the resolve and courage that so many of these people have shown . I 've also been saddened to hear of the number of abuses that have been visited upon them by their governments . It has made me wish that there was something , anything , that I could do . For today 's project , I visited Amnesty International 's website , read about the names and cases of four people identified as " Prisoners of Conscience , " and wrote letters on their behalf . A prisoner of conscience is defined by AI as a person who has been imprisoned and / or persecuted for the non - violent expression of their conscientiously - held beliefs . One of Amnesty International 's campaigns is to make information about these prisoners available , along with people to write to and request clemency . The idea is to let those in authority know that the world is watching their actions . I chose the names of several individuals who have been detained in the Middle East , and hand - wrote letters to their countries ' justice systems . When the kids woke up , I took them with me to the post office , put international postage on the envelopes , and dropped them in the mail . Now to hope for the best . Gratitude Project : I feel like I 'm shirking a little bit , because I 've mentioned my kids in quite a few of these , but I really had a good day with them today . It can be kind of a challenge bowling with three kids , but you should have seen how much fun they had , and how proud they were when they bowled a good frame . When my in - laws arrived , they were so excited and full of joy . Sometimes you are blessed to look at a moment while you are still in the middle of it , and to know that it 's a memory you will carry with you . I had one of those with Ava today . I wanted to sit down and type this a little earlier in the evening , but she came to me and asked if I would help her make a house for her stuffed Eeyore . We found a cardboard box and used her crayons and markers to draw Christmas pictures all over it . Then she put him inside , put a blanket over the top , and told him to sleep tight . Sitting there on her bedroom floor , drawing candy canes and a little Nativity scene with her , was the type of moment I 'd always imagined having when I became the father of a daughter . Last month , when I asked for suggestions of places to perform service , my friend Courtney got in touch with me to tell me about Saint Benedict 's Chapel . It is located in downtown Lubbock , in a building that used to be a Subway franchise . They serve dinner to the hungry every night of the week . Each night , the cooking , serving , and cleanup is done by a different church or community group . Courtney goes to Second Baptist church , and comes down to serve with them on Thursdays . I 've previously shared a little about my sentimental fondness for downtown Lubbock , so I was glad for another opportunity to do some service in that part of town . I arrived at St . Ben 's at around 4 : 30 , when most of the cooking was done , and just before the serving started at 5 . Courtney 's mom was already there , and greeted me , and then Courtney arrived a few minutes later , and introduced me to some of the other volunteers . I haven 't seen Courtney in a while , so we caught up a little bit as we prepared drinks . We tried to figure out how long we 've known each other , and couldn 't really remember , but it 's been at least 20 years . Then it was time to let people in from the cold , and to serve dinner ! The menu tonight was fried chicken , potato salad , green beans , bread , and cake for dessert . Serving works a little differently here than it does at Second Helpings . There , the people line up and come through a serving line . At St . Ben 's , they find a seat and food is brought to them on a plate . I joined the group taking plates out to the guests , while another group made plates behind the counter . There 's a piano in one corner that 's used for Sunday morning services , but tonight one of the other volunteers played Christmas songs on it while he sang . It really added a lot of fun to the evening ! As people finished their plates , we took away their trash and took seconds to anybody who was still hungry . The hour passed quickly , and before I knew it , I had to leave so that I could get home with the kids before Courtney went to work . As I prepared to leave , an old friend of the family caught me , and wanted to make sure I told my mom hello . Serving for a day at St . Ben 's was really a lot of fun . I have to say , as much as I enjoy working at Second Helpings , I really liked the act of bringing food to people at their tables at Saint Benedict 's . It felt like I was serving individual people . Just two more days left in Project Advent ! I just finalized the arrangements for Saturday 's project today , and I 'm looking forward to it . I think it 'll be good . Gratitude Project : The family friend I mentioned above asked me very kindly about how we were all doing since Papa 's death in August . We 've had good days and bad , and some especially hard ones still happen sometimes . One thing constant through it all has been love and support from our friends . I 'm thankful for that today . I stayed up last night until far too late , playing Skyrim . Today has been pretty non - stop action , too . We actually completed today 's service pretty early in the day , but I 'm sitting here now , struggling to keep my eyes open long enough to tell you about it ! If this isn 't quite as interesting an entry as usual , chalk it up to sleepiness . Blake and Ava are out of school now , and I wanted to do something that I could include them in . I called one of the directors at Carillon , a retirement community in Lubbock , to see if we could come pay a visit . They were pleased to put us on their calendar , and to let us come . After we had breakfast with Courtney and dropped Jack at daycare , we came back home to get started . Once the cookies were made and cooled , it was to the car , and to Carillon . There was a really great Christmas display there that they wanted their pictures taken with . Then Tiffany , who works at Carillon , met with us and spent the next hour escorting us through some of the areas where residents were gathered , and letting us visit with them . The kids were so wonderful . They were polite and respectful , friendly and loving , and open to the experience of visiting with new people . They each sang Christmas songs for some of the residents , and Ava showed off some of her ballet moves . Blake talked with a man who retired from the Navy a long time ago , telling him all that he knows about ships . One kind grandfather shook Blake 's hand , and then kissed Ava 's , which she just about swooned over . On our way home , they both told me what a fun time they had this morning . That part was the most unexpected . I had hoped that they would enjoy themselves , and see the joy that their visit might bring to others , but they really , genuinely had fun . I was full of pride over these two . This is nothing to do with the service project , but I got the chance to end the day feeling proud of them , too , as they performed in our church 's childrens ' Christmas pageant . Ava was a star , and Blake was a wise man . Here 's some pictures . 31 " When the Son of Man comes in his glory , and all the angels with him , he will sit on his glorious throne . 32 All the nations will be gathered before him , and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats . 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left . 34 " Then the King will say to those on his right , ' Come , you who are blessed by my Father ; take your inheritance , the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world . 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat , I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink , I was a stranger and you invited me in , 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me , I was sick and you looked after me , I was in prison and you came to visit me . ' 37 " Then the righteous will answer him , ' Lord , when did we see you hungry and feed you , or thirsty and give you something to drink ? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in , or needing clothes and clothe you ? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you ? ' 40 " The King will reply , ' Truly I tell you , whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine , you did for me . ' About two weeks ago , I asked your help in covering the cost of food for a meal at Ronald McDonald House . I had no idea that my readers would come through so incredibly generously . Because you were a part of this special night , I 'd like to recognize you by name . All of you made this possible . Eddie texted me less than 20 minutes after I posted my appeal , and brought me a check that same night . His brother Erik , who was a friend to all , passed away earlier this year , and Eddie shared with me that he was doing this to honor Erik 's legacy . That meant a lot to me . God bless you , Petmecky family . I know that for each of you , there was something else you could have spent this money on , or one more present you could have put under the tree with it , so thank you for choosing to help me . All of you fed a stranger today ; all of you looked after " the least of these my brethren . " God bless you , and thank you so much . Thank you , too , to Rudy 's BBQ . As I mentioned in the post where I talk about the meal , Rudy 's not only smoked our briskets , they did it for free when I told them it was for Ronald McDonald House . If you are going out to eat sometime over the holidays , perhaps you 'd consider giving some support back to Rudy 's ? And if you happen to see a manager named Mr . Anthony Davis , would you please shake his hand , tell him that you heard about how he helped , and let him know that it was noticed ? Thank you to my mom . She not only made the single largest batch of macaroni salad she 's ever made , she was also responsible for donating dessert . Each year , Meals on Wheels has a fundraiser where they give you a coupon for a free frozen pie from United with a $ 5 donation . Each year , she gets like 40 and puts them in Christmas cards . This year , she gave me enough of them to make sure that everybody at Ronald McDonald House got to have a piece of pie after dinner tonight . Now , as promised , here is a summary of the donations and expenses . I 'll scan in the receipts tomorrow so that I can post them here . For items where there was extra leftover ( spices , foil , Ziploc bags , etc . ) the extra portion was given to the House to put in their pantry . Thank you , everybody , for your support , even if it was through kind words and prayer . This was a proud night for me and for you . Email This Tonight I am tired , but very happy . My family made dinner for the Ronald McDonald House tonight , and it was a complete success . Of all the things I 've done so far this month , this one definitely took the most planning , but the payoff was worth it . My mom told me I should count this one as multiple days of the project , since it took more than an hour ! I 'll be on vacation starting on Wednesday , and my original plan was to make dinner for the House later in the week . When I called them , though , the week was already pretty full , except for today . I asked them to go ahead and put me on the calendar , and resolved to work out the details later . I did all of my shopping Saturday , at Sam 's and Market Street . Even when it 's just for one meal , your kitchen gets pretty full when it 's holding food for 40 - 50 people ! On Sunday , Blake and Ava helped me do some prep by washing , chopping , and bagging vegetables , so that all we 'd have to do when we got there is cook them . My mom made the macaroni salad . About the briskets - I don 't own a smoker , and there 's no way I could have prepared that much meat on my own . I 'd heard that Rudy 's BBQ will smoke your meat for you , for a fee , so I gave them a call . They don 't ordinarily take in customer orders on weekends , but when I explained that it was for the Ronald McDonald House , the manager not only agreed to do it , he agreed to do it for free . There are four ovens in their kitchen , which worked out just right for what I needed . Beans went in one , vegetables in another , and pies in the other two . While we waited for the food to finish cooking , the kids went into the playroom , where some other boys and girls who were staying at the House were playing . I was really proud of them . They played so nicely with those children , and I hope that it was a happy part of the day for all of them . It was really sweet to watch . A little past 6 , I started pulling dinner out of the ovens , and the House staff announced that food was ready . The Ronald McDonald House in Lubbock is directly across the street from UMC , and families work their way in over the course of the evening to eat , not all at once . The House director told me that sometimes one of her staff will walk through the kitchen at midnight , and still find people in there eating . Still , I 'd guess that while we were there , a good 20 people came through , and they really seemed to be enjoying the food . Several people thanked us very kindly , and told us that the food was good . I 'm going to pat my own back for a second here , and agree that the food turned out very good . Usually , I 'm eager for the chance to visit with people , but tonight I thought it would be best just to let people relax , have their dinner , and enjoy themselves . I sat with my family as we ate our dinner , and just really enjoyed watching other families having their dinner . I was so thankful to have been there , and that it went well . My heart is completely full tonight . I am ecstatic . Actually , I 'm kind of excited for the chance to try this out , because ever since the day that I did some work at the Red Cross , I 've thought that their Holiday Giving Catalog is just a really great idea . To summarize , you get to go " shopping " at the Red Cross 's website , and what you purchase is an item or service that helps them with their mission . There 's really a wide variety of choices , too : blankets or temporary shelters for disaster areas , phone cards and comfort / hygiene packs for soldiers , swimming lessons for kids , food truck sponsorships for when they go in the field , and on and on . What makes it cool is that you 're not just sending money and wondering what happens with it . You get to choose exactly what you want it spent on . Today I made a donation for the purchase of blankets . It was an amount close to one hour of my pay , which was my criteria for donations , but I had another reason for choosing that , too . When it snowed a few weeks ago , I went into my children 's rooms just before I went to bed , and made sure that they were covered snugly under their blankets . It 's something that I do on a lot of nights , but on that night I realized how much pleasure and joy I take from that small act of making sure that they are warm and comfortable . When I saw that item in the Red Cross catalog , I thought of what it must be like to lose your home in a disaster , and not be able to see to that basic bedtime moment . That 's why I wanted to give blankets . Today 's project was a lot of fun . The donation that I mailed back on Day 3 was for Christmas food boxes , to be distributed by the South Plains Food Bank . As I mentioned in that post , these come at an important time for many families . If their children are on meal programs at school , they will at least receive breakfast and lunch each day , but when school lets out for the holidays , there 's no help . These boxes contain about enough food to feed a family for a week . Today was distribution day . There were two main areas for volunteers to work , distributing boxes outside to cars as they drove through , or filling sacks with produce and fresh goods inside . There were plenty of people outside , so Blake and I headed back to the dock where the sacks were going to be filled . There were pallets and pallets and cartons and boxes , all filled with different fresh goods . Lots of different fruits and vegetables , cheese , bread , and potatoes . Our job was to take brown paper grocery sacks and fill them to the very top with an assortment of goods . When we started , there were only about five of us there , so it was kind of slow going . More volunteers began to come , though , and we built a pretty efficient assembly line process , filling bags within a few seconds . The bags were getting filled more quickly , but this actually introduced a few new hitches . First , Blake ( and his friend from church , Jackson ) was starting to get restless , because he wasn 't really a part of the assembly line . Second , empty boxes were starting to pile up . Third , the speed of assembly meant that the bagging area quickly ran out of goods to bag . " Hey boys , come here . I have an important job for you . See all of these empty boxes ? They need to be broken down , flattened out , and thrown into that box so they can go to the baler . Can you do that ? " While the boys broke and stomped boxes , I kept busy doing resupplying . As one part of the sacking area would begin to run out of things , I 'd bring over more goods to fill it with . We 'd keep getting to the bottom of one stack of things , only to discover something entirely different underneath it . It was great ! I kept thinking of the family who would enjoy the cartons of strawberries we 'd just found , or imagining the salsa that somebody might make with the tomatoes , onions , and jalapenos that we put in a bag together . There 's just one week left in Project Advent . I didn 't stack it this way on purpose , but I have some things coming up this week that I 'm very eagerly anticipating . I 'm looking forward to sharing them with you . Gratitude Project : I was shopping today for Monday 's project , and ran into one of my favorite teachers of all time , Ms . Sara Duncan . Anybody else who went to LHS will probably feel the same way , although I imagine every school has " that " teacher . I had the nicest talk with her , and was so proud to introduce her to Jack , who was with me , and who acted like a true gentleman for once . just nearly didn 't stay awake to type it up . Courtney is working tonight , and Ava asked if she could sleep in my bed , so I said sure . It 's not enough just for her to be in there , though . She also needs to be cuddled . " OK , " I told her , " But just for ten minutes . " And of course , I fell asleep before she did and happened to rouse myself about ninety minutes later . . . Today might have been the best day yet of Project Advent . Celeste , who works at Blake and Ava 's school , is on the board of Lubbock 's Hope Lodge , and told me about it . Are you familiar with Hope Lodge ? I wasn 't . It is an outreach of the American Cancer Society . It 's a place where cancer patients and their caregivers and loved ones can stay if they have to travel for medical treatment . It is free of charge . The one in Lubbock is the first , and so far only , one in Texas . Celeste put me in touch with the folks at Hope Lodge , and I set up a time to go today . When I arrived , Sandreena , the lady I had spoken with , told me that they really didn 't have much going on today for me to help out with . I told her that I 'd be happy even just running a vacuum and emptying trash cans , so that 's just what I did , after another employee , Casey , showed me around . There 's a very nice living room area on the first floor that needed to be vacuumed - their Christmas tree has lots of glittery decorations , and there was glitter all over the floor ! After that , I rounded up some trash and did a little cleaning in the first floor bathrooms . I needed something else to do , so I walked down the hallway to the kitchen area . The kitchen is a perfect example of what the Hope Lodge offers . It 's not just a place to stay , it 's a place to be encouraged and be part of a community of support . The kitchen is one large area with four separate , smaller but complete kitchens in each corner . I started to empty a dishwasher , and that 's when today went from just housecleaning to something really good . A woman was in the kitchen , putting some things away after the lunch she 'd eaten with her husband . I 'll just call her Mrs . M . Mrs . M 's husband is currently in treatment with cancer that had previously gone into remission , but has since returned . We began to visit . She was excited that they are returning home tomorrow , and that they will be spending Christmas with their children and grandchildren . They are hoping for more Christmases . She asked about my family , and I was only too happy to tell her about my kids , and to show pictures . It happened that fast . My throat closed , and tears filled my eyes . I couldn 't say anything else . Seconds of silence , and then I was able to quietly mouth , " August . . . leukemia . " And she looked at me and understood , and then I was crying , and this kind woman who is there to support her own loved one put her arms around me , and was comforting me . Gratitude Project : I like to have a plan , and I feel successful when I execute a plan and flustered when things don 't go to plan . One of the biggest lessons I 've had to learn , then , is that the very best moments are the unplanned ones , the serendipitous ones . I 'm thankful to have those reminders on days like today . I tried something different today . Last week , when I asked for help to line up a day of volunteering , my friend Laurie told me about an online site that allows you to find organizations in need of assistance that can be performed on your computer . The tasks cover a range of needs : fundraising , web design , research , translation , transcription , marketing , etc . This isn 't exactly what I had in mind when I started Project Advent , but it was something unique and interesting enough that I wanted to try it out . The specific site that Laurie told me about was the UN Volunteers site . It had some interesting projects , most of which required some kind of lead time and ongoing commitment . That made it a little bit hard to find opportunities that could be performed in an hour . I signed up to help with some website redevelopment for the Christian Fellowship and Care Foundation , and looked elsewhere . What I found was a site called Sparked . After you set up a profile , it asks you to select what sorts of causes are most interesting to you , and what kind of skills you have to contribute , and then suggests possible matches . I won 't bore you with all the details , but during my lunchtime today I found three different matches that I was able to give some help to within the space of an hour - a school district needing help with their database management , an environmental lobbyists group having trouble with their email server , and website testing for a Cambodian children 's charity . This was fun ! There were many project needs that would require some more commitment than what I had time to give today , but I may come back to this and find some other groups to help out sometime . I think it would be something I may pick up if I was bored at home on a weekend or something , because the experience just isn 't the same as showing up someplace , meeting people , and doing a service for them . Part of what 's made this project so rewarding has been the relationships with people , and that 's just not something you can get from your laptop . Gratitude Project : This is kind of a silly one today , but it 's something that I felt strongly grateful for this morning , so I 'm sharing it . I 'm thankful for Jack 's big , smooshy cheeks . He 's nearly three , but he 's still got that wonderful baby fat face that you can just kiss all day long . A really funny thing happened during my shift at Second Helpings yesterday , and I was so excited to have met Billy Gillispie that I completely forgot to write about it . A lot of this was in the live delivery , so I probably can 't do it justice here . Nancy , who leads the Second Helpings ministry , was telling us about a visit from her granddaughters last week . They were having the nicest time , laughing together , and trying on some of Nancy 's sweaters . She told us how sweet she thought they were . Then she found out that the reason they were so interested in her sweaters is because they were looking for something to wear to an ugly Christmas sweater party . " And just that fast , I went from telling them what darlings they were to telling them that they were monsters who needed to get out of my closet right that very second , thankyouverymuchandIhopeJesussavesyou ! " Today , it was back to All Saints for my last chess club visit of 2011 , since the kids ' last day of school before Christmas break is Tuesday . I had sort of wanted to bring some kind of gift along with me to give to the kids , but since attendance varies from five to fifteen kids , I couldn 't decide what it should be . I also don 't have too much money to put into it , since payday doesn 't come until tomorrow . Since the club meets at lunch time , I decided just to bring some cookies along , and that turned out to be just fine with the five boys who showed up today . While Blake and Ripon played , I started a game with a second grader named Aiden . I thought that I was being crafty , and then he closed the noose and checkmated me . I 'm going to have to use the Christmas break to strengthen my game some . . . After our game , Blake wanted to play me , but we only got a few moves in before the guys had to put away the boards and go back to class . I promised him that if he did his homework and cleaned his room quickly tonight , we 'd play at home . There 's a stone chess set that used to be my dad 's , and Blake really likes to play with it . There were quite a few cookies left , so Blake and I took them over to the teacher 's lounge for them to enjoy . A double shot of service ! I intentionally avoided putting too many limits on myself at the start of this project , because I wanted to leave myself a little bit of room to help wherever I thought it would be needed . I 'd considered making one of the rules say that I had to do an hour of service for somebody different each day , to keep things from getting boring for my readers , but decided that I wanted to be careful about even limiting myself that much . I mention all of this because I know that today is my third visit to Second Helpings so far ( and I 'm planning one more next Tuesday ) . I have to tell you , though - I love it . I 'm probably going to try and keep going at least once a week even after Project Advent is finished . It 's fun , it 's close to my work , and it 's rewarding . One of the friends I 've made there is another regular volunteer named Nell . She really made me feel good today , telling me that she was so glad I 'd kept coming , and that it meant a lot to her to see me there . I kind of want to see if Nell will adopt me as her grandson . Today 's menu was spaghetti with meat sauce , three different kinds of vegetables , chicken , bread , salad , fruit cocktail , and cake for dessert . Most of the food prep was pretty well underway when I arrived and signed in , but there was one more task that nobody else seemed to want : chopping onions . For whatever reason , onions have never bothered my eyes all that much , so I washed my hands , put on an apron , and got to work . As I chopped , I wondered what I would mention about today 's project when I wrote it up , to make it interesting . Then I heard lots of voices coming from the next room , and went in to see that the Texas Tech men 's basketball team had just arrived ! New head coach ( and former Texas A & M coach ) Billy Gillispie is having his team participate in twelve days of service projects , the Red Raider 12 Days of Christmas , and today they were helping us at Second Helpings . Their coaches put them to work rolling up plasticware inside of napkins , and I stepped across the room to introduce myself to Coach Gillispie . Now , if you follow college sports much ( which I admittedly don 't ) , you may remember a few years ago when Coach Gillispie left A & M . There were some very hard feelings about how he made the announcement and the move . I have to admit that I was pretty sore over it , too . I 'd never been much of an Aggie basketball fan until he got there and turned the program around , and when he left so abruptly , it was upsetting . It was the kind of thing that a guy ( like me ) and his buddies might sit around and grumble about over beers , while saying things like , " If I ever get eye - to - eye with that guy . . . " Fortunately , I lack the courage of my drunken convictions , because it turns out that Coach Gillispie is as friendly a guy as you could hope to meet . I introduced myself , told him that I 'd loved watching him turn A & M 's team into a winning one , and that I looked forward to watching him at Tech , too . Then I asked him if I could get a picture with him - this is when I figured out the problem with my phone 's camera . The problem is that I keep handing it to old people who have never used a camera phone before . At least BCG is in focus in the picture . After the team and volunteers had all eaten , we began getting ready to serve . The meal always begins with announcements and recognition of anybody whose birthday is that day . After that was taken care of , the team was introduced , and Coach Gillispie briefly addressed the room to thank them for the opportunity to come serve . One of his players , Robert Lewandowski , gave a blessing , and then we began to make plates . Usually , the people in attendance walk through the line and receive their food , but we did it differently today . Our guests remained seated while the servers put food on the plates , and the team waited tables , taking plates out to the guests . In almost every situation that I 'm in , I 'm the tallest guy in the room . That 's why I had to get one more picture today , flanked by people taller than me . These two players put their guns up , and I had the last - second idea to try and flash a Gig ' Em , but I didn 't get my thumb out fast enough . You can kind of see where my hand is coming up behind the edge of the guy 's apron to my left . A generous friend gave me five tickets to take my family to see the Red Raiders play Cal State - Bakersfield on December 27th , since I 'll be on vacation from work . I 'm really looking forward to it , especially now that I 've worked alongside these guys . They 're a wonderful group , and I think it speaks volumes about them that they 're out in the community giving their time right in the middle of final exams . I 'll be cheering them on this season , except on January 14th , when they 'll be making a long , tearful trip home from College Station . One week from today is when I will be preparing a meal for the guests of Ronald McDonald House . If you would like to help me cover the cost of food , I 'd be very grateful . It 's not too late ! Just click on the " Donate " button on the right side of your screen , and you 'll be taken to a PayPal page where you can donate any amount . ( THE FUNDRAISER IS NOW COMPLETE , AND THE BUTTON HAS BEEN REMOVED . THANK YOU ! ) It 's really gratifying , as a blogger , to have moments when you find out that what you are writing is reaching people . I have friends who I know are reading , but it 's especially exciting to find out that you 're being read by people outside of that circle . Yesterday , I felt lousy . I took the kids out to lunch at Dickey 's , where kids eat free on Sundays , so that I wouldn 't have to cook anything , and so they 'd be out of the house and let Courtney get to sleep , since she had to work last night . While I was there , I had two very cool encounters . The first was with a friend who I very seldom see in real life anymore , but who was there with her family . I 'd only posted my blog entry about two hours before , but she 'd already seen it , and told me that she hoped I 'd feel better soon . Thanks , Melissa ! The second was as I was getting the kids seated at our table . From the next table over , I heard a man quietly tell his wife , " That 's the guy I was telling you about , with the Advent blog . " I took a sneak peek a minute later , and it was a man I 'd never seen before . Thanks for reading , friend ! I actually had something else lined up for today , but then it fell through over the weekend . Although there are lots of deserving organizations to volunteer for , many of them require a background check or some training , two things that I didn 't have time for if I was going to line something up in time for today ! Writing another check wasn 't an option , either , because I 'm a little busted until payday on Thursday . I put out a call for help on Facebook , and quickly got this response from Lauren , a friend from high school : My husband is the chairman of the board of the Red Cross . That 's right , I am bragging . He said to call Molly . She can hook you up . You can tell her Bill said to call . I don 't know if the Red Cross has done this in the past , but they have a really neat program this year . As a gift in a loved one 's honor , you can choose from a whole range of needed services that your money will sponsor , from a care kit for a wounded veteran , to a day of hot meals from the disaster relief truck , or blankets for disaster survivors . There is a website where you can learn more , or purchase gifts , but there 's also a printed catalog that the Red Cross office had a box full of . What they needed help with was addressing these catalogs for delivery to members of their board , and to some of their larger donors . Molly set me up with a list , a box of mailing labels , and a pen , and set me to work . It was a pretty long list , but I had just enough time to handwrite each label and then stick them all to catalogs before I had to go . There were actually quite a few names on that list of people I know , so if you get information from Red Cross in the next few days , and it has a really horribly hand - lettered label on it , chances are I wrote it . Have you thought of what a gift that is ? And we can approach Him in prayer whenever we wish to , and avail ourselves of his endless forgiveness . That 's what I 'm thankful for today . Crud , you guys . . . I am sick . My chest feels like it 's been stuffed full of kerosene - soaked sawdust , and somebody is holding a match to it each time I breathe . I really don 't like missing church this time of year , when our sanctuary is so beautiful , our fantastic choir is singing Christmas songs , and the Advent candles are being lit . But I gave the Holwerdas a rare pajama Sunday today , because I need the rest , and I don 't feel like being Patient Zero in a flu outbreak at FUMC . I think I may have brought this on myself with all of the extra time outside yesterday and Friday . Fortunately , I planned ahead for this contingency ! Actually , I 'd planned to use this as a free day to take Courtney on a date one night next weekend , but it turns out she 's working all next weekend , so . . . Anyway , I dropped a donation to the Texas Boys Ranch in the mailbox . I know it doesn 't go out until tomorrow , but I 'm still counting it . The Boys Ranch has been a part of Lubbock as far back as I can remember . It turns out that it 's exactly as old as I am , since it was opened in 1975 . They are a faith - based residential facility for children aged 4 - 18 , where abused and neglected children live in groups with house parents , and are given help through counseling , therapy , and even vocational training . It is also an actual , working 460 acre ranch , where the children get to take part in the responsibilities of running the ranch . Last year , for the first time in their history , they made the decision to open their doors to girls , too , so that siblings can stay together at the ranch . They have helped hundreds of Lubbock 's children . OK , I 'm going to take some Mucinex and head back to bed so that I can do something tomorrow . Gratitude Project : I get blasted by one or two good colds per year , but I 'm blessed with very good health overall . Really , better than I deserve , given how little attention I 've paid to maintaining it over the years . When we 're sick , we often pray for healing , but when was the last time you prayed to thank God on a day you were healthy ? Today , I 'm going to lift a prayer of gratitude for all the healthy days I have . I don 't especially like animals . There , I said it . This shouldn 't be such a big thing , but there are people who treat this admission as something on par with saying that my hobby is pushing old ladies down staircases . I mean , I don 't hate animals , and I 'm certainly not cruel to them , I just don 't really like them . There was one puppy who made a temporary crack in my shell , but I kind of got over that the longer he stayed with us . Before I started Project Advent , I asked my friends for suggestions of things that I could do , and one of them suggested Lubbock 's Haven Animal Care Shelter . I was ready to brush off the suggestion , but then I realized that it was actually kind of perfect for this project . It 's not something that I would usually do on my own , and it 's a place that needs help . They are a donation - funded no - kill shelter for abused , neglected , abandoned , or ownerless animals . The Haven has regular volunteer times on Saturdays from 9 - 5 . I called last week to see if we needed to let them know when we 'd be there , and they told me just to show up , so that 's what Blake and I did this morning . Today was their annual photos with Santa event at PetSmart , where they send volunteers to that store to let people take photos of their pets with Santa . Because of that , there were fewer volunteers than usual at the actual shelter . Blake and I walked into the office and introduced ourselves to Angela , the volunteer coordinator . After we 'd signed in , she gave us some jobs . I would be making the rounds to the animal buildings and putting out food . This place doesn 't look like much when you pull in , but here 's a picture of it from above . All of those buildings are part of the Haven , and they all have animals that need feeding . The Haven is a really interesting and unique facility . They don 't just house dogs and cats , but nearly any pet that needs shelter . I asked if they had room for our canine visitor , but they currently don 't . Oh well . Merry Christmas , dogs . & amp ; lt ; p & amp ; gt ; & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; br & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; br & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; br & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; br & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; b & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; Grat & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; lt ; / b & amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; amp ; gt ; & amp ; lt ; / p & amp ; gt ; Gratitude Project : I 've noted this before , but I 'm always amazed by the reservoir of love that my children show me . I know that so far in this project I 've mentioned being thankful for their perspective and for the other people who love them , but this is about what they give back to me . To be really honest , I am struggling a lot with Jack right now . There 's sweetness in him , but it 's inside a lot of other stuff that I just can 't , for the life of me , make my way through . When he went to bed tonight , we were both really upset with each other . But I know that when he wakes up , he 's going to come running to me with open arms , ready to start a new day . It 's humbling . So , anyway , I have some karmic debt to repay to the Salvation Army . My dad was actually a big supporter of the SA , doing lots of volunteer work with them for several years . I decided that I would serve them today as that most iconic of Christmas sights - a bell ringer outside of a store . And so it was that I showed up outside of WalMart a few minutes before noon to relieve James , the ringer who 'd been there all morning . Sometimes , service means playing games with sweet kids . Those hours go fast . Sometimes , service means ringing a bell in thirty - five degree weather , in the shade of a WalMart entrance . Those hours go sloooow . Here are tricks to make the time pass more quickly : I 'm here to tell you that people do still drop money in those kettles . I couldn 't keep any sort of count while I was out there , but a lot of people dropped in at least some change , and quite a few tucked folded bills in there . James came back from his lunch , we switched back , and I wished him well before heading back to the office . I actually thought that I was smiling when I self - shot this picture , but I was so cold that I may not really have been able to feel my face . More than once , I thought that I should have worn a hat , but it doesn 't seem right when I 'm doing public service to deprive the public of the sight of my hair . You don 't hide your light under a bushel ! Plus , it 's the only part of me in this picture that doesn 't look like The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come . Gratitude Project : Tonight is my company Christmas party , and I 'm really looking forward to it . Vista Bank always puts on a really fun party . I 'm thankful to work with good , strong , honest people , and to have an employer who has always treated me fairly , and allowed me to put my family first . Not to mention the fact that they don 't get on me when I occasionally need a lunch break a teensy bit longer than an hour in order to do a service project . UPDATE ON THE PAYPAL BUTTON : Several people reported that the button to make PayPal donations for the Ronald McDonald House dinner wasn 't working correctly . After working on this with PayPal support , it appears to be working correctly , and several donations have come through . However , some people are still reporting trouble . If you would like to donate , and the button isn 't working correctly for you , please feel free to contact me to set up an alternate method , or just PayPal it to me without using the button . = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I write about my kids a lot , right ? Sometimes , I 'm proud of them . Sometimes , they make me crazy . In good times and bad , though , I 'm always glad to have them . When you 're doing well , it 's easy to take for granted the parts of your life that you are blessed to have . Here is a sad , sad fact about the city I live in . The Lubbock region has the highest confirmed rate of child abuse per capita in the State of Texas for 2008 and 2009 at 22 . 7 per 1 , 000 kids vs . the state average of 10 . 5 per 1 , 000 kids . Nearly 1 , 200 children were in foster care in the Lubbock region last year . This hurts me to know . Since we are in the season of Advent , and since Advent is why I 'm doing this project , there 's an article that I 'd like to share with you , about looking at Joseph as a model of honorable fatherhood . When he was faced with a situation that was difficult to explain at best , and possibly dangerous at worst , Joseph took heed of what the angel told him . He loved and raised Jesus as his own son , although he knew that Jesus was not his son , but the Son of God . How different is our world because Joseph was the man in Jesus 's life , raising Him and caring for Him until He was an adult , until He was ready to begin His ministry ? I am no Joseph . I wouldn 't even dare to make that comparison . But I can try to be a positive part of a child 's life . Tonight I visited the Women 's Protective Services shelter for their weekly mentoring night . Here 's a description from their website : Children are changed by growing up with violence and abuse at home . One of the top 10 ways a child can be changed by violence at home is that they are denied a father and positive role model . Mentoring is an opportunity to make a measureable difference in the life of a battered child . Women 's Protective Services of Lubbock , Inc . is seeking outgoing , dedicated individuals to Mentor at WPS . Mentors meet every Thursday from 6 : 00 pm - 7 : 00 pm and interact with the children that reside at WPS and helping them have fun . Activities range from arts and crafts , board games , movie nights , pizza parties , play basketball , football and go on field trips . Mentors will work with one to a few children at a time . Courtney was scheduled to work tonight , so I needed someplace to drop my own kids first . My friend Ann , who I have known for 30 years ( ! ) , told me that she 'd be happy to babysit if I needed to be kidless for one of my projects , and was very kind to let the junior Holwerdas come join her and her two kids tonight . My kids were really excited to have an evening to play with John and Caroline , who they are already friends with at church ! Ann gave the kids a really fun evening - they had pizza , did a special Advent craft , and played together . I 'm afraid I have to be a little bit vague on some of the details of tonight 's project . When I arrived at the shelter , I signed a confidentiality agreement , agreeing that I wouldn 't discuss anything about the people , situations , or anything else that I heard or saw while I was there , but I think I can still talk about what we did . Every Thursday , there are activities planned for the kids while their moms attend groups . The kids were watching Merry Madagascar when I got there , and eating popcorn . As some of them started to get bored with the movie , I went with them into the playroom , where we played different board games for a while , until the movie ended and the rest of the kids joined us . We all played together for a while more , and then their moms were coming to pick them up . The hour passed really quickly . I 'm going to carry this evening with me for a while . There was a teenaged boy who I was playing Jenga with , and a little girl came and sat in his lap . I asked if she was his sister , and he said , " No , she just feels safe with me . " I played with another child , and asked their name . It was the same as one of my children . Gratitude Project : Be real before God . . . My heart really hurts tonight . I was only with these kids for one hour , and I feel like it was literally the very least bare minimum that I could do . They need and deserve so much more . But I also have much to be thankful for . Today , it 's something a little silly and maybe even kind of vain , but I got some new dress shoes . My first new pair of black shoes in nearly five years . It turns out that having three kids is kind of expensive , so there 's not always money for that stuff , you know ? Anyway , I 'm thankful that I have the means and opportunity to have some new shoes today . |
IN MEMORY OF OLIVIA MERCADO . Olivia passed away March 13th , 2011 , at 11 months old . This blog is dedicated to spreading the word about SIDS awareness and to keep Olivia 's memory alive . No matter how much you prepare yourself it 's never an easy day when the anniversary of a loved ones death comes around . I 've tried so hard to keep myself busy this week and pretend like it 's insignificant , but I can 't avoid it anymore . I keep remembering what my life was like a year ago ; I had refinanced my car and was excited for my new interest rate , Mike and I had decided to move in together , and we were planning our first family photo session for the coming weekend . I can 't stop thinking about how easy life was then , and I keep coming back to this video I took of Olivia the night before she passed away . I wish so badly that I could go back to that day and change everything . I get sad , but then I see how happy she was . She felt no pain , had no worries , and she knew how much she was loved . She had an amazing 11 months and it helps to know that she touched so many lives in such a short time . I 'm so incredibly lucky to have been her Mom . Thank you so much for all of your support . It 's been a tough year to say the least , but with the love and support of all of my family and friends , it was bearable . Olivia was lucky to have all of you ! I 've waited a while to write a post on co - sleeping and SIDS risks because there are so many different opinions on whether or not co - sleeping actually leads to SIDS . After doing A TON of research , I 've determined that co - sleeping can actually be great for your baby if certain precautions are used . THIS study monitored 40 infants ages 0 - 6 months who had been sleeping in their parents beds and compared their sleeping habits to 40 infants who had been sleeping alone in their crib . The study found that while the co - sleeping infants were more easily exposed to re - breathing , they were able to respond effectively and remain safe . Mothers also woke up and removed any bedding that was close to , or covering the infants face . I would recommend that every mother read this article because it 's so informative on how babies respond to dangers while sleeping , but if you 're just looking for the precautions of co - sleeping , here they are : A great way to resolve co - sleeping worries is by having your infant sleep in a bedside co - sleeper . These attach to the parents bed making night time feedings and provides the comfort of having your baby close to you . I hope that this article post has calmed your fears of co - sleeping , and that if you do continue to have your infant sleep with in your bed , you will practice it safely . This one is going to be a hard post to write because I 'm still in the process of grieving . Days after Olivia passed away I was googleing ( not a word ? ) grief and moving on and loss of a child , but I couldn 't find any of the answers I was looking for . I wanted to know how long it was going to hurt , when I would move on , if I would ever want another baby , and what I should do with her things . The truth is that nobody knows the answers to these questions and the grieving process really is different for everyone . Here are a few of the things I went through : Questioning my beliefs . Losing a child is a different kind of grief . There are so many things you will want answers to that you never cared about with other deaths . The biggest thing I found myself questioning was my religion , and everything I had grown up believing or I guess I should say questioning . I had never really believed 100 % in my religion . I grew up with a million questions and I was really skeptical of some of the things that were taught . I loved the values and the morals and the community but that was really it . While I was pregnant with Olivia , I was so worried for her because I didn 't know what I believed , but I felt that she just HAD to be brought up in some sort of church , so I started going back to church with her . I quickly realized that it still wasn 't quite for me . When Olivia passed away everyone told me that she was in a better place , she was too perfect to be on Earth , and God needed her back . None of that helped me , it just made me more upset . I was angry at a God that would take my Baby girl , how could she be in a better place if it wasn 't with her Mother ? How could a God who loved me take the most precious thing away from me ? I didn 't care if she was in a better place , if that place even existed . . . I wanted her here with me . I also starting thinking that if there is a God , and this is a part of his plan , do I really believe in a God that would take my baby girl away and only let me see her again if we were sealed ? I 've always believed that as long as I did the best I could and was a good person who helped others and had Christ in my life , that it would be enough , and I would see my family again . I still believe that . I 've finally realized that there 's no evidence , no knowing for sure where Olivia is and that me worrying about it is only holding me back . It will end for me eventually and then I will know the truth . Material Items . A couple of weeks before Olivia passed away , Mike and I had talked about moving in together and saving for a house . I was SO excited to start this new phase with him and Olivia ; we would be a family . When it was obvious that I couldn 't go back to my apartment where everything reminded me of Olivia , Mike 's Mom took over my lease and Mike and I found a condo to rent . It was really hard for me . Here I was 4 months pregnant , engaged , and moving in with my fiance . I should have been the happiest girl in the world , but it was different for me . While I was so excited to start a new life and a new family , I couldn 't help but be disappointed that Olivia was missing . This wasn 't how it was supposed to be . I never packed Olivia 's things . My parents did before I could do anything ; instead I came home to her room in boxes . At the time I was upset about it , but now I 'm glad that I got to go through it when I was ready . I had put her toy box in Jet 's room for him to use and everything else went in the garage . It was hard to see her things in his room but I thought that it would get easier as time went on . It wasn 't . Finally , after talking to my counselor I decided to pull the boxes out of the garage and go through every item . It was the most healing thing I had done . Mike and I cried a lot , but they were happy tears . Everything we pulled out reminded us of a good time , and those are the things we need to celebrate when a loved one passes . I realized then that I am thankful for the fun times we had with her , for knowing her and her sweet spirit , and for everything she taught me . I went through the toys that were in Jet 's room , put the ones that Livvy played with the most in the boxes for the garage and left the rest . Now when I look at her things , it doesn 't hurt . Grief is a process . As I mentioned previously , I was so determined to get over the grief and to move on as fast as I could . Everyone had given me pamphlets with information on SIDS grief groups but after looking at the letters and testimonials online it seemed more like a group of people who wanted to keep grieving and didn 't want to move on . All the books you can read on grief talk about life after death , but who really knows for sure what life is like after death ? I found myself thinking about Olivia I would switch thoughts . When I heard an ambulance go down the street I would turn up the radio , and if a sad song came on , I would find a pop station . I thought I was dealing with it , but I was really ignoring it . I just wanted to be better , for my heart to heal , and to be able to be excited about life and I could only do that if I moved on . But then if I moved on , was I forgetting her ? One of my biggest fears is forgetting her . Again , my counselor was the best at helping me deal with the grief . She told me to cry , to be mad , to talk about it and not to worry about other people or what they think . Other people ? It 's true , I had worried so much about what other people thought . Everyone had been telling me how strong I was and if I cried , I wouldn 't be strong . If I cried , people would worry about me and think I was depressed . I didn 't want people to think I was depressed . She was SO right ! She explained that grief is like a pump inside of you . After someone passes away it fills up really fast and overflows really fast , but after a while it fills up slowly and you don 't realize it . Then one day you 'll see something that reminds you of that person and it will overflow and it 's okay . It 's okay to take that moment to cry and remember the great moments you had with that person . She was right . I used to never go a day without thinking of Olivia and I don 't know if I go a day without thinking of her now , but I do know that when I do it 's not sad . I don 't cry as much as I used to and if I do they 're happy tears . Holidays . People who know me know that I 'm a happy person . I don 't like to be around people who bring me down and I don 't waste time on drama . Holidays without Olivia are no exception . I want them to be happy times where we can remember without making it a sad day . Mike and I met with my counselor and discussed ways that we can celebrate Olivia during the holidays . This is what we came up with . Olivia month - the date between her death day and birthday ( exactly one month ) - We are going to have fresh flowers in the house . I love this idea even more now than I did when we decided on it . I was talking to Mike 's Grandma a couple of weeks ago and she told me something that someone had told her when she had lost a baby . Some people are like flowers - they are sent to us to make us happy and to embrace us with their beauty for a short time . Olivia 's Birthday - Last year we had a party at my house and then met at her grave to release balloons with letters . It was really fun ! I would like to do something like that again , but this year I am also wanting to participate in ' Spring for SIDS ' which will raise money for SIDS research in Olivia 's name . Christmas - I have always liked the tradition of each child receiving an ornament every year that symbolizes something they did or achieved . We are still going to include Olivia in this tradition . We also have a little tree that we can decorate and place at her grave , and we would like to adopt an Angel from the Angel tree every year and spend what we would have spent on Livvy on a child who is in need . There is SO much more that goes into this process . . . I could go on for days . A few of them I will break into smaller posts at another time . I just really wanted to let people know that there isn 't a way to just get over it and that grief takes time . There 's no right way or wrong way to grieve and it 's important to do it however you feel comfortable . If you know someone who is grieving , the best thing you can do is listen . Don 't tell them to get over it or that it 's time to move on . Share memories and let them know that they 're not alone in their thoughts . If they are mad , let them be mad . The number one thing that got me through this was the support of my family and friends . The people who supported me when I would post things to Facebook on sad days , and who would listen when I told them stories about Olivia and laugh with me instead of being sad . What 's done is done , I can 't change what happened no matter how many times I go back and change it in my head . All I can do is cherish the memories that I had , and keep living for the people who are still here . It 's what Olivia would want . Right now Mike and I are in the process of searching for a Life Insurance policy for Jet . When I was pregnant with Olivia I got a ton of mailers for Gerber Life Insurance and thought it was morbid and bad luck to even consider it , so I didn 't . I 'm sure a lot of parents feel the same way , and Insurance Companies know that , so they 've come up with a lot of great policies that turn into savings accounts once the child reaches a certain age . Life Insurance is SO important , I can 't stress it enough . Had it not been for her Dad being in the ARMY , Olivia wouldn 't have been covered and funerals are expensive ! I was still left with a few bills since he had spent the rest of the money before everything had been paid , but at least $ 5000 was put toward her burial and viewing . That $ 5000 included a discount due to her being an infant , the plot , half of the headstone , the casket , the viewing , and the burial . I still had to purchase the flowers for her casket , the other half of the headstone , and had to pay for the medical bills once they started rolling in . I know it 's scary to purchase a policy and imagine your little one leaving you , but it 's worth it . Again , these are estimates . The reason we are looking at American Family is because they are our primary insurance company . I really think that Gerber sounds like a great plan though , so that 's why we 're considering them instead . I still have to ask them a few more questions and will post my findings in the comment section of this post , and if you know of any other insurance plans for children please let us know ! : ) On Thursday my Dad , Sisters , Jamel , and his girlfriend met Mike and I at the funeral home . I was wearing a pair of Mike 's sweatpants and tennis shoes , I had no make - up on , and my hair was in a messy ponytail . I didn 't care what I looked like , it took all the energy I had to even take a shower that morning . The funeral director led us into a small room with an oval table that not all of us could fit around so some of us had to tuck away in corners of the room . He told us that Olivia would be arriving anytime , but I still hadn 't heard from the medical examiner . The first thing he wanted us to do was pick out the plot . He pulled out a map of the cemetery and explained the cost of each area , the benefits , and the availability . I just remember being amazed at all of the different options and prices . This was the money I thought I would be spending on Olivia 's schooling or wedding , not her grave site . I kept telling him that I didn 't want anything fancy , I didn 't want a funeral , I didn 't want this to be sad , and that I just wanted close family to say goodbye and be done with it . I mean , how do you have a funeral for an 11 month old who 's biggest accomplishment was patty cake ? I knew inside that I was being ridiculous , but it was how I felt . No one should have to plan a funeral after something so traumatic . . . you 're just not in your right mind . The director drove Jamel , Mike , Chelsea , and I around the cemetery so we could physically see the spots and I chose a plot halfway up the hill next to a tree . It would be an easy spot for people to remember when they came to visit . Then we went went back inside the room to discuss headstones and I chose one that had a baby rocking in a tree . The medical examiner called during the process and told us that she didn 't find anything , that it would more than likely be ruled as SIDS , and that the detective would call me once the case was closed and everything was finalized . The last thing we needed to decide on was the casket . They had two options . The first casket made everyone break into tears . It was shaped like a regular casket and when you opened it , it was covered in bright pink silk . I don 't know who would be able to bury their child in something like that . I chose a more simple rectangular casket that looked more like a bassinet . We were there for over 8 hours so I had plenty of time to think , and by the end of the day I had decided that Olivia deserved a proper service and burial . After everything was planned and we were free to go , I thought it would be a good idea to stop by my place real quick to grab some things since we were so close . Mike went in first and removed everything that was hers . Her highchair , rocking chair , books , photos , clothes , anything that I would see that would make me think of her , and put it in her room . It was as hard as I had thought it would be going into that house so I grabbed what I could see , fed the cat , and got out as fast as I could . We were hungry so we went out for dinner . It was the worst experience of my life . Everyone around us was happy and going on with life like nothing had happened . Families were playing and feeding their little ones , and I just wanted to go up to them and tell them how lucky they were and to appreciate every moment with their kids . Mike and I felt like we were in a dream . The morning of the funeral was an okay day . I was actually excited to see Olivia one last time . I had made a beautiful video of her for the viewing , and had watched it enough times that it shouldn 't make me cry anymore . My friends and my family had come from Utah and that had helped , and I wanted to dress up . It was the most normal I had felt in a while . The funeral home did a great job at making her look beautiful . She was wearing the dress I had bought her for Easter and the turquoise cardigan I had bought the night before she passed away . She had a pink bow in her hair , and was holding her favorite doll ( her bath time baby ) . She was surrounded by a few of her favorite toys and some of my favorite pictures of her . The DVD was playing in the background . So many people came . People who I had just met , people who I had known for a while , and people who had come from other states . I can 't even explain how much the support meant to me and helped me get through that moment . The hardest part was closing the casket . I couldn 't breath , my knees wouldn 't hold up , and I just remember my Dad holding me up and crying in his arms . My Baby . Jamel and I rode together in the backseat of the car . Olivia was in between us . The bishop said a few words and then my Dad dedicated the grave . As we were leaving , I felt relieved . That past few days had been horrible . We had been reuniting with friends and family , having dinners , and going about life while Olivia was in a room somewhere with someone doing who knows what . I finally knew where she was , what was happening to her , and that I could visit anytime I wanted . I could finally leave town without feeling like we were leaving her alone . Someone had mentioned in a conspiracy theory about the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting that one of the parents wasn 't acting like someone who lost a child should be acting . He said that he was caught smiling on camera and that there was just no way a parent would smile after losing their child . It made me really annoyed . No one knows how they would act in that situation until it happens . Before Olivia passed away I had thought about what I would do if something ever happened to her . I thought that I would kill myself , never get out of bed , or cry until I died . That 's not real life . When something like this happens , especially unexpected like this , you do the opposite . At first you 're in shock , then disbelief and denial , then the friends come around to distract you and keep you happy . The first week after Olivia passed away was all business . . . I was going through the motions entertaining family and planning a funeral . It was after the family and friends had left and Mike had gone back to work that I actually realized what had happened . That 's when the grieving really began . After leaving the hospital , My family and I headed to Mikes house . There was no way I could go home and I honestly thought I would never be able to step into my house again . Mike ran to the store for some food , his Mom came by , and everyone just sat around not sure what to say or what to do . No one could really eat either . There were a few phone calls that I knew I had to make , the hardest would be the phone call to my younger brother Skyler ; he lived with us from September to February to watch Olivia for me and she just adored him . I knew he would be heartbroken , and I wasn 't ready to say those words . It was so weird , but I didn 't want anyone to know . . . I don 't know if it was the questions I would get , or the attention , or because I didn 't want people to have to go through the pain . I called Skyler first , then my Mom , Aunt Charlotte , and sent out some texts to my closest friends and other family . I may have had Mike make some phone calls too , I 'm not sure . Posting to Facebook was the hardest , it took me two days to say anything , but people were starting to find out and I knew I needed to say something . The love and support was immediate and overwhelming , SO overwhelming that I just got to reading some of the last emails and comments a few months ago ! The words of encouragement and friendship meant so much , even though most were hundreds of miles away . My family left and then it was just Mike and I . I didn 't want to sleep because I was afraid that I would see her face and then wake up to find that she was really gone , but I was so exhausted . I remember laying on the couch in Mike 's arms and just crying myself to sleep , and I left the TV on all night just in case I woke up . . . it would distract me from any bad thoughts and I would be able to go back to sleep . The next morning I woke up and went downstairs . This was usually when I would feed Olivia on the couch , just the two of us , while the rest of the world slept . I couldn 't help but wonder where she was . When my Grandparents passed away it was really hard , they had raised me , but I knew they were in Heaven and it was their time to go . Losing a child is not that easy , faith wasn 't easy . I needed to know for sure that she was okay and I needed to know where she was . I found myself questioning everything that I had ever known . What I knew for sure was that her body was with the medical examiner and that they would be performing the autopsy today . Would they find something ? Would we get answers ? Do I want answers ? What if it was something I had done ? Was it something she ate ? Was it her ear infection medicine ? I could never live with myself if I knew that I could have prevented it . I played the week over and over in my head looking for symptoms or signs that something was wrong . . . something I didn 't see , but there was nothing . I needed a distraction so I found the pamphlets I had gotten from the hospital and started searching for funeral homes . Did I want one to be close where I could visit her often but would pass frequently or far away , out of sight out of mind , unless I chose to think about it . I settled on a funeral home on a hill near my home , and made an appointment for the next morning . I knew I would have regretted not having her near me . That 's all I remember about that day . I 'm sure that Mike and I lounged around the house , and I remember getting a lot of flowers . I asked my family to meet us at the funeral home , and invited Jamel . I still couldn 't stand the thought of going home so I asked my sister to pack some of her things for me to borrow . I called the medical examiner a few times , but had no answer , they kept postponing the autopsy . There was nothing I could do but wait . . . for answers , for this to be over , and for my heart to stop hurting . I 'm going to start my story with the night before Olivia passed away . It seems like the date that I always remember is March 13th , the night before , not the day she passed away . I picked her up after work and went to Target to find her an outfit for our family pictures that we had scheduled for the upcoming weekend . She was tired and the last thing she wanted to do was go shopping so I quickly found a cute white shirt , some jeans , and a turquoise cardigan . As I pulled into my complex Mike called , but I asked if I could call him back since we had just gotten home and I wanted some cuddle time with Livvy before I put her down for bed . I tried kissing and cuddling her , but she was so independent and wanted to play instead . I sang our little goodnight song and put her to bed . The next morning was like any other morning . I tried to get ready while she tried to get my attention . We were running late and things were crazy like always . On the way to work I heard the song ' You 're gonna miss this ' on the radio and posted it to my Facebook page . It was a cute little song about living in the moment and enjoying the craziness , and I thought it was fitting for our morning . I met her Father in the mall parking lot , our usual meet - up place , handed her over quickly , blew her a kiss and headed to work . I went to McDonald 's for lunch and got a kids meal so I could get Olivia one of the My Little Pony toys and was so excited to see what her reaction would be when I gave it to her . As I pulled back into the parking lot at work my phone rang , it was Jamel . I almost didn 't answer it since I needed to get back to work but as a Mom , had no choice . It still takes my breath away when I think of that call . All I heard was sirens and Jamel crying . He couldn 't tell me what was going on and I just remember screaming ' What 's going on ? Where 's Olivia ? ' Finally he spoke the words that ' She isn 't breathing , he checked up on her during a nap and she wasn 't breathing , they were on the way to the hospital . ' I remember dropping my phone to my side and pacing , I couldn 't believe this was happening . I knew that I shouldn 't drive , and I was at least 30 minutes away . She was going to be okay though , she was on the way to the hospital , they paramedics were with her , there was no way she wasn 't going to make it . I put the phone back to my ear and asked him where they were taking her . He told me and I told him to call me as soon as they knew anything , I was on my way . I ran inside my building hysterical . My boss was on a phone call in the lobby and I told her that my baby wasn 't breathing and I had to go . I ran back outside and called Mike to come get me . While I was waiting in my car crying , my boss came outside and asked me if I needed a ride to the hospital . I told her that Mike was on his way . She took me back inside the building , got me some water , and assured me that everything would be okay . I felt like I was in a nightmare . I tried having a conversation with her and tried taking my mind off of what was going on , but I couldn 't focus . I knew how serious this was and I had heard of SIDS , there was no way she was going to be okay . Mike picked me up after about 15 minutes and I knew she was gone . No one had called me , it had to be bad news . I called Jamel but there was no answer so I called again . When he answered , all I heard was crying and I just started screaming at him to tell me , tell me she 's gone , tell me she 's okay , tell me anything ! Then a man got on the phone . He introduced himself as the doctor and told me that he was sorry . They had tried everything , she was warm when she got there , but there was nothing they could do , she was already gone . I asked him ' How ? How ? She 's a healthy 11 month old , this doesn 't happen to healthy babies and she had reached 6 months ! ' All he could tell me is that sometimes this happens to healthy babies and he was sorry . I hung up the phone , closed my eyes , and bawled . There was no way this was happening to me . . . it was a dream and I was going to wake up . Mike was crying and I was worried that we weren 't going to make it to the hospital okay , and I really didn 't care . If I died I wouldn 't care , I would be with my baby . I called my Dad and asked him to meet us at the hospital . When we pulled up I was numb . I got out of the car and couldn 't walk , I dropped to my knees and Mike and I cried in the parking lot for a few minutes . When we finally pulled it together enough to get to the ER I was in shock . . . I looked around at all the people . No one knew the kind of pain I was in , everyone else was going about their day just the way I had that morning with no worries , and they would go home and see there kids . Why was this happening to me ? It couldn 't be . I still kept thinking that I was going to walk through those doors and Olivia was going to be there . Maybe they had found some way on our drive there to bring her back . We were met by an older woman . She gave me her condolences and I knew that Livvy was really gone . I told her that I didn 't want to see Jamel . I was so angry at him and I didn 't know what I would do if I saw him . He was with Olivia , so she took us to a small family room in the back and then went to get the doctor . I remember sitting there shaking , I couldn 't cry anymore , and my shock had turned to pure anger . I remember seeing the doctor , but I can 't remember anything he said , just that they tried . Someone else came into the room to talk to us , but I can 't remember who that was either . They brought us a platter of food and some water but I had no appetite . Then the paramedic came in . He had explained that they got there and she was warm , explained some things that they tried ( I can 't remember any of them ) , and then he asked if I wanted to see her . I had thought about it up to this point , but if I saw her it would be real . I was so scared . I was afraid that she would be hooked up to machines and I didn 't want that to be my last image of her . I was afraid that she would be cold and hard and wouldn 't feel like my baby . I was still in so much shock that I really couldn 't think . I asked him if she looked and felt like my baby , and that I wasn 't sure , but him and Mike told me that I would regret it later if I didn 't see her , and he told me that they would wrap her up in a blanket for me . The police and detectives took Jamel into another room for questioning , so the paramedic led Mike and I into the room where Olivia was . Livvy was swaddled in a blanket on the table . She looked so tiny . I picked her up and held her for a minute , and they were right , I would have regretted it if I hadn 't . It was so impersonal though , the detective and paramedic stayed in the room with us and after a few minutes I was very uncomfortable and asked to leave the room . When we stepped outside my family was there , and we all went back into the small room . I don 't think I stopped shaking for hours . They wouldn 't let us leave until we had met with the detectives , I was questioned by myself about every detail of Olivia 's life , and then given pamphlets about planning a funeral and how to cope . Funeral ? I just wanted to go home , sleep , and wake up from this nightmare . As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Jet people immediately started talking to me about SIDS monitors and products that claim to prevent SIDS . I went back and forth over whether or not I wanted to try any of these products . I was unaware before Olivia passed away that some of these products even existed , such as the SIDS baby monitor and sleep apnea monitor , and because Olivia wasn 't in my care when she passed away doctors hadn 't even mentioned them to me . After doing some research online , talking to doctors , and even a paramedic who had responded to SIDS cases , I decided that a SIDS monitor wasn 't for me . SIDS monitors are not regulated by the FDA and to have the claim that they prevent SIDS , they need to be regulated . The FDA has never approved a product to prevent SIDS and is asking companies to stop marketing their products with these claims until they have received FDA clearance or approval . The FDA has said " These products are absolutely not necessary and they can be very dangerous " . I have also read many stories from parents about SIDS monitors that have false alarms and it 's more stress than it 's worth , being woken up many times in the night thinking that your infant has stopped breathing . The paramedic I spoke to told me ( and I learned in my CPR / First Aid class ) that once a child has stopped breathing for the amount of time it takes the SIDS baby monitor to alert you , the child will most likely not be able to be resuscitated , and if they are they will have brain damage . Yesterday , I wrote about the SIDS age range and gave some tips on how to prevent incidences of SIDS in older babies . Today , I want to discuss SIDS prevention for infants ages 1 - 12 months . Again , there is no 100 % way to prevent SIDS , but there is a lot that you can do to lower your baby 's risk . Since parents have been practicing the following steps , the SIDS rate has dropped 50 % . Put your Baby on his back to sleep - A babies risk is very high if they are sleeping on their stomach or back . These positions put the babies face in the mattress making it harder to breathe . If you 're worried about your baby spitting up or choking , it is very rare and can happen if the child is on their stomach as well . Usually babies will swallow or cough up liquids automatically , but if you 're still concerned , talk to your doctor about elevating your infants head . Don 't smoke around Baby - Babies born to Mothers who smoked while pregnant die from SIDS three times more often than those who 's Mothers do not smoke . Secondhand smoke has also increases the chance of SIDS . Don 't let anyone smoke around your Baby . Do not let Baby sleep in your bed - I have spoken to so many parents in the past year who let their infant sleep in their bed , and they will shrug it off and say ' I know it 's bad , but . . . . ' . I get it . . . I never thought this would happen to my family either , but it does happen and it 's SO important that your infant sleeps alone in a bassinet next to your bed or in his crib alone . Beware of items that claim to reduce the risk of SIDS - Most of these items aren 't proven safe or effective . SIDS monitoring devices can go off for any reason and will cause more stress and worry than not having one . ( I will go over SIDS monitors in more detail in another post ) When can you stop worrying about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome ? I had thought that the SIDS age range was from birth to 6 months . I never worried about it too much . . . I knew basic causes and believed that it would never happen to me . I do remember breathing a sigh of relief at 6 months because at that point I couldn 't prevent her from rolling herself over and it was nice to know that now she would be safe , and I was happy to finally start putting a blanket on her in our cold house and letting her sleep with her Teddy . The crib was plenty big and she could get up and move if she couldn 't breathe right ? Actually , the SIDS age range is 1 - 12 months . Babies between the ages of 2 - 4 months are most at risk , and 90 percent of SIDS cases are under the age of 6 months . Still , 1 . 3 deaths of 100 , 000 children aged 12 months or older die for unknown reasons . It is SO important that you continue taking measures to prevent SIDS up to 12 months , and even longer to be safe . Olivia was very mobile . She kicked off blankets when she was hot , I would put her down on one side of the crib and she would wake up on the other , and she go from back - sleeping to tummy sleeping , but she wasn 't able to recognize when she couldn 't breathe . As a new Mom I had no idea what I was getting myself into when it came to lost sleep . The first week was easy . As most parents know , newborns will sleep ANYWHERE through ANYTHING , but after the first couple of weeks that stops and you 're left with this restless , screaming baby , who just doesn 't want to sleep . Olivia had really bad tummy issues up until about 3 months . I was up every couple hours with her and it would take at least an hour to get her to go back down ; as a single working mom I would have done ANYTHING to get her to go to and stay asleep . I know how hard it can be to lose a ton of sleep and still have to function the next day . It has been proven that babies cry less when placed on their tummies to sleep . It will calm them easier , and they are less likely to wake up during the night . Tempting right ? Before you give in , check out the table below : Stomach - sleep * Changing concepts of sudden infant death syndrome : implications for infant sleeping environment and sleep position . American Academy of Pediatrics . Task Force on Infant Sleep Position and Sudden Infant Death Syndrome . Pediatrics 2000 Mar ; 105 ( 3 Pt 1 ) : 650 - 656 . Still tempted ? As you can see that while placing your child on their tummy to sleep can be good for your sanity , it 's definitely not worth the risk ! It has been proven that belly sleep has up to 12 . 9 times the risk of death as back sleep . This is the easiest and most effective way to prevent sudden infant death syndrome . Please share and help educate new parents and caretakers . Posted by When my daughter passed away of SIDS in March of 2012 I was shocked to see how little research had been done to find out the causes and what we can do to prevent sudden infant death syndrome . The most horrifying and confusing words I have ever heard in my life came from the doctor at Kaiser that day when I asked how something like this could have happened to a perfectly healthy 11 month old baby . All he could tell me was that ' Sometimes this happens , even to healthy babies . ' That 's it , that 's all I got . I hoped that by searching online I would find more answers , there were none . It turns out that my baby WAS placed in a playpen with pillows and blankets which may explain the reason her life was cut short , but what about the 6 month rule ? Shouldn 't she have been safe ? Throughout my research I found that SIDS can take the life of children up to 2 years of age , some even older . It can also happen to children who are sleeping on their backs with no pillows or blankets in sight . How does this happen ? And why isn 't there more research being done to find answers ? Please see the message below from Mark Peterzell , the SIDS institute chairman . Because of efforts by the Institute and other organizations , the sudden infant death rate is at an all time low . Since 1983 , the rate of SIDS has fallen by over 50 percent . Sadly , there are still about 2 , 500 deaths per year in the United States , and thousands more throughout the world . We believe that within our lifetime , we can eliminate SIDS as a cause of infant death , but only with the financial and personal support of corporations , foundations and concerned individuals . There are many ways institutions and individuals can contribute to this effort which are available through the Institute 's website or through its office . Please join us in this fight . The death of even one more infant is intolerable ! Together we can end the tragedy of SIDS . There are so many parents who are unaware of SIDS and how to prevent it , including the people who were watching my daughter that day . There is absolutely no reason that children should lose their lives because of something that may be so easy to prevent , if only the word could more easily be spread . It is my goal for 2013 to spread the word about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and to raise the funds needed to end this tragedy . Please help by sharing this with your friends and family , and if you can , you can donate to SIDS research by clicking on the following links : |
Tag : rural life A work in progress The excitement around here this week is all centered around the driveway . Our pavers did show up on Monday . Up until Saturday , we just had a provisional start date from them . They had originally told us that they didn 't schedule very far out because of the weather . But they were here bright and early on Monday . This was a project that I was against when we first moved here . Our driveway is made of diamond - shaped bricks in two tracks , one for each wheel . I loved the rural look of it with the grass growing through the diamonds . However , during the winter , with all the rain and the trucks coming up and missing the tracks , it turned into a mud pit , and it still has ruts in it and bricks that are out of place . I had to admit that paving the driveway seemed to be a very practical idea . I meant to take a picture of it before the guys started , but I forgot , so my first picture is of the top of the driveway , when they hadn 't yet dug out the bricks . It doesn 't show the mess that the driveway had become , just the nice part of it , because they had already dug up the bricks in the messy part . It turns out the driveway bricks were held in position by rebar , sticking up straight out of the ground , which the pavers had to pull out of the driveway , piece by piece . They even put rebar in the side parking area ( which was where we found it first ) , which didn 't have the bricks but instead large chunks of brown gravel . Because the people who put in the parking area had first covered the grass with plastic , the parking area didn 't drain properly and got all churned up over the winter . We are paving that , too , as well as the lower drive . When we moved here , the movers had mixed success with getting down that drive . Now there shouldn 't be a problem . Here is the driveway with gravel on it . The arc of grass to the right is in front of our house . The area to the left is the bottom of our ridge . The guys are planning to finish today , but I took a picture of the driveway in mid - progress , with lovely gravel . I actually might have preferred a gravel driveway , but I know that my niece and her husband asphalted their driveway a year or so ago because every winter their gravel got washed down into the road . We probably would have had the same problem . Of course , just as I feared , the flooring guy was planning to lay the marmoleum tomorrow . That would mean that our contractors would have to be able to get in today to yank the sinks and toilets in the bathrooms . But of course , they can 't , and the asphalt is not supposed to be driven on for a day , so we had to reschedule . So far , I don 't know when that will be . Nor have I heard at all from the carpeting people . Once these guys get out of here and we have a date for the marmoleum , I guess I need to call the carpet guys . We have been waiting for the carpet to come in since February , and it was supposed to have arrived at the end of May . I am also still trying to find someone to whack down our back slope . Once we get it whacked down the first time , we should be able to maintain it with the push mower , or if we can find someone , we can just get them to whack it down several times over the summer . No luck so far , and pretty soon the grass is going to be over my head . I see some spears of foxglove growing in it , too . Very pretty . Our contractor came out late last week and removed his junk from our basement and outside the house . I would be working at putting away my books if I wasn 't waiting for my husband to fasten the bookcases to the wall first . He has promised to do it this week . I feel like everything I could do is on hold . This one job would allow us to move forward in a big way , but as I 've mentioned before , I have never figured out a way to motivate him to get something done . Right now , he has several projects in progress . The wolf pen is partway down . The parts for fastening the bookcases to the wall are there , but no work is done . The seat of our new outdoor dining chair that he broke by slamming his butt down into it is on the table with the glue sitting next to it . The table and the counter that he said he 'd clear off are halfway empty but are starting to accumulate junk ( all his ) again . He bought a blind to cover our bedroom sliding glass door but never even started putting it up ( good , because I don 't want it over the windows - it is too big ) . The shed thing that is in the space where my garden needs to go is still sitting there waiting to be taken down , and after that my above - ground garden boxes need to be made . ( My niece 's husband said he would do that , though , so it will get done . ) He cut the orchard grass once , and after the guys get their trucks out of the orchard , I suspect I 'll be the one cutting it from now on . That 's how life is around here . I am missing my bird book , because the birds around here are different from the ones we saw in Texas . At first , our bird feeder seemed to be attracting only chickadees ( and our hummingbird feeder hummingbirds , of course ) , but lately , I have managed to identify a couple of birds I 've never seen before , using the app whatbird . One of them is the Smith 's longspur , which is quite a pretty bird and loves the suet feeder . The other one looks like a black - capped or California or black - tailed gnatcatcher , but the range for all three of these birds is the southwestern United States . I am only a novice bird identifier , but I couldn 't find another bird that looked like these , with a black head , a gray body and light gray tummy . They are small birds , slightly bigger than the chickadees . Author whatmereadPosted on June 7 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , landscaping , rural life , stairs , wildlifeLeave a comment on A work in progress Wildlife , silver , another lazy week Today it is cold , but on Monday it was almost 90 degrees . We had the air conditioning on for a few hours for the first time . We have really had some temperature variations lately , but by and large the weather is gorgeous ! We have been seeing lots of birds lately , but we haven 't seen any deer on our property since the first report . We saw one deer at my niece 's house the morning after our first road meeting when we drove all the way down the road to look it it . My niece has remarked that we saw a lot more of the deer before three of our neighbors decided to log their property . There is a lot less cover for them in the neighborhood now . However , a bunny decided to come visit us the other day . The work with our contractors is virtually on hold . Our general contractor wants to finish up his work at the same time as he prepares the floors for the linoleum installation , but it looks like that 's not happening . Two weeks ago the linoleum guy told me a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but now we 're provisionally scheduled for June 8 , so that 's another two weeks to wait . Our contractor says his guys will come out soon to finish the other things up . Our house painting isn 't scheduled before mid - June , and we have heard nothing from the asphalt people , despite leaving them a message asking them for a rough estimate . The road work we 've been discussing with our neighbors will involve tearing up more of our driveway than we anticipated for our asphalting project , as we originally planned to leave the concrete apron . But the idiots who built our house didn 't put a pipe under the apron for drainage , which has been causing a problem on the gravel road for years . So , the guy doing the road work is going to tear off the apron and lay down a pipe and big gravel that the asphalt people can lay asphalt on top of . So , we have just been puttering around the house . I have been whacking away at the grass on the slope behind the house , but the slope is too steep for me to make it all the way up . I 'm now looking for a spry youngster to do it for me . The other project I took care of lately was to polish some old silver that I got from my mother . It was her mother 's . I have plates and bowls and servers and an entire tea service - I doubt if I will ever use it ( well , I use one plain silver pitcher frequently for flowers ) , but I like having it as it is so pretty . I let it get in pretty horrible condition , though , and it probably wasn 't that great when I got it . Here are a before and after picture . The after picture isn 't perfect , but I like a little tarnish on silver . The secret is to not let it get into the condition that I let it get into . I didn 't have a photo to show for this week , so I thought I 'd go out and take another picture of the ridge , so you can see how it 's changed in the past month or so . This first photo is the ridge a few weeks ago , almost exactly a month ago , in fact . You can see that we are still coming out of winter in this picture . The pieris ( the tall plant at top ) has changed from red , which it was all winter , to yellow , and a lot of the bushes look dead . In this second picture , taken today , you can see both the pierises , which I have trimmed , looking a little pinker , the azaleas next to the waterfall ( which is still not falling ) , and the rhododendron beginning to come out on the right . Below the rhododendron is a heather bush , which has looked pretty much like that since we got here , and if you look carefully to the right of the heather , you can see a little silver pieris that I planted a few weeks ago . To the left of the heather and barely visible below the rhododendron is the bird 's nest spruce that we also planted . I think that I have two more rhododendrons that have not yet begun to bloom on the left of the azaleas . They have big buds on them that aren 't visible in this picture . You can see , though , that the foliage in the picture is much greener . Nothing looks dead . However , it still is staying well below normal for this time of year . Highs have been in the 60 's all week and lows still in the 40 's . It 's supposed to get up into the 80 's within the week , though . My understanding is that normally it should be in the 70 's now . Yesterday we had intermittent rain and small hail . We are getting lots of rain this week . I made it outside a couple of times in an attempt to weed - whack the wolf pen and work my way up into the septic field , where we dare not let the vegetation get too bad . But my attempts have been fairly paltry . What we really need is a strong young teenager with a brush cutter . I also took a handful of seed bombs out into the orchard and threw them around . Seed bombs , if you don 't know , are lots of wildflower seeds packed into a ball of mud . You throw them where you want wildflowers to come up , and the rain breaks down the mud ball and spreads the seeds around . My great - niece told me that she and her mother came out last fall and threw some seed bombs around the orchard , too , so with any luck , we 'll have lots of wildflowers in the orchard this year . Other than that , we 've been just puttering around the house . My husband put together his push mower this week and re - mowed the front lawn , but he didn 't make it down to go over the wolf pen where I had weed - whacked . Next dry day , if he doesn 't do it , I will . He also fastened the bookcases that we have moved out into the basement to the wall . We still have three more bookcases to move out before I can start putting away my books , and we will need the contractors to move their stuff out of our basement so that I can have room for my stacks of books . Our marmoleum has been ordered ! I am not sure how long it will be before it is installed . The flooring rep said a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but that was before he 'd checked stock , so it may be longer . This company is being so much more helpful than the last one ! Our carpet is supposed to come in around the same time , and the pavers were provisionally starting our driveway around that time . I hope they don 't all come at once , but I would guess that the pavers will be late because it has continued to be rainy for so long . They had work stacked up from last season that they had to do first , and they probably haven 't had very many days that they could work so far . They said they don 't schedule their work too far out because of the weather , so they will call us about 10 days before they want to start . For the same reason , probably , we haven 't heard a peep from our house painters . Speaking of paving , we had our first neighborhood meeting to discuss the state of the road . It was nice to meet a few more neighbors ( we had only met two up until then ) , but only about half showed up and we weren 't able to decide anything because of a few complications . Next meeting is this Saturday at my niece 's house . We had a sad event at our house on Sunday , which also was my husband 's 71st birthday . His standard poodle , Hans , died . The poor dog had been suffering for some time , but my husband thinks that taking a pet to the vet to be put to sleep is cruel . This issue is a difficult one to resolve . I personally believe that if the pet can 't be saved , letting it suffer is cruel , but we all have to deal with this issue in our own ways . In any case , we were out working in the yard when he died , and we spent the afternoon burying him in the pasture under a hemlock tree . At least he has a nice place to be . After several hours of fooling around with his new riding mower , my husband took off to cut the orchard . For practice , he did our small front lawn and cut down my lilac bush , planted only a few weeks before . I saw him out there , and I thought , he is going to cut down my lilac bush . I saw him pass it safely . I went back to doing the laundry . Less than a minute later , I heard a terrific crunch and looked out to see nothing , that is , no lilac bush . My niece 's husband has been suggesting I put in raised beds in front for flowers . I 'm beginning to think that may be a good idea . In any case , I guess there will be no scent of lilac on our property this year . My husband was only able to cut a sort of circular swath through the orchard . I think the slope of it worried him and he was a little scared of his mower . He also found he could not fit the mower into the wolf pen , so it 's going to have to come down . I have been wanting to take down the wolf pen since we got here , but he thought he might use it for Hans . Needless to say , Hans never set foot in the place . Our tenants , who lived here before we moved here , used it for their goats . Although it is supposed to start raining again for several days starting tomorrow , we have had several gorgeous days in a row . On one of those days , my niece 's husband kindly came over and cut the rest of the orchard . The grass is getting out of control here because we didn 't have a mower and it rained for so long this spring . I weed - whacked part of the side yard and part of the wolf pen , which has grass that is almost up to my waist . Also in the last few days , the azaleas ( I think they 're azaleas ) have bloomed on our ridge . The pieris plants , which were yellow during the winter , turned bright red in early spring , and are now pink . Here is a picture of the azaleas and one pieris next to the waterfall , which is not turned on yet because we need to clean it out . On the flooring front , our contractor found a flooring installer , which I reported last week , and this week he finally returned from vacation and contacted the flooring company . We have already heard from the company representative , who is coming out on Friday to measure . Finally , some movement ! We also finally heard from Lowe 's . As you may ( or may not ) remember , we ordered carpet for the new stairs from them , the same kind as we installed during the winter in the basement . They came back to us in February saying that the carpet was out of production and wouldn 't be available until May . Last week , they called us to say that carpet would be shipped to them on May 15 . I had been worrying that they would call back and say the carpet was no longer available , which , since we were trying to match the downstairs carpet , would have been bad . And although I have moved on from my picture of a flower to another exercise and now to drawing a bird ( a cedar waxwing ) , I have not forgotten my promise to Naomi to take a picture of my first drawing . Here is my flower , in all its glory , or not . I guess it does look like a flower . It 's a gorgeous day today ! Yesterday , the high was 51 , and it rained almost all day . We had a fire in our wood stove . Today , the high is supposed to be 81 . I had an early morning appointment , and the air was fresh , the skies sunny . Now , I 've had to remove my sweatshirt for the first time since October and won 't be wearing two shirts today for the first time since November ( when I figured out what was needed to keep from having to crawl in bed every day to get warm ) . Here is a picture of our deck this morning . If you look carefully past the trees , you can see mountains . For those of you who can 't wait to hear the latest renovation news , we haven 't done anything this week , but my marmoleum samples finally arrived . I picked a deep but bright blue called adriatica that only has a few speckles , light and dark ( I could have used more speckles , but this was the best color ) and looks lovely with our grayish green - blue walls . It will be very dramatic . On Tuesday , I heard from our contractor , who has been on vacation . He said he had found a vendor of marmoleum who has installers , and he is just waiting for pricing information . Yippee ! On the down side , we developed a leak under our kitchen sink last week . Every once in a while we would find a small puddle of water on the floor in front of the sink , and then open the cabinet door to find a puddle inside . Of course , my husband did nothing about this immediately , because that is not his way . I put a towel under the cabinet door to avoid wrecking the hardwoods any more than they are already wrecked ( most lately by his dog having an accident and then him not cleaning it up right away - I wasn 't around ) . Then my husband ground up my pestle in the garbage disposal . I had only used it once . It was in the sink , and he must have taken out the drain plug without putting the drainer in immediately . The pestle fell down into the garbage disposal at some point and then he turned it on . I know I didn 't do it , because I always have either the plug or the drainer in the sink to avoid extra garbage going down , because we compost most of our garbage . We only use the disposal when the sink gets clogged up with the particles that we haven 't captured in the drainer . This saves our septic field from filling up too quickly . So , the pestle , which was made of porcelain , broke , and bits of it got into the disposal and broke it . Then the drain got plugged so that we couldn 't use the sink . I finally got on the phone and started to try to find plumbers , but it wasn 't easy , because they are all busy putting plumbing into the new houses that are going up in the area , from people moving out of Portland because it is too expensive to live in . My contractor told me I could call his plumber , but my husband finally went out to buy parts and fixed it himself . In Austin we went without a garbage disposal for years , during which he wouldn 't let me call a plumber ( he was always going to fix it sometime ) , so this is an improvement . We started back at our unpacking last week , because we finally got tired of waiting for our contractors to come back and clean up their junk in the basement . My husband spent a day tidying up the basement , and then we started hauling our bookcases out of the storage room . They can 't make the corner from the storage room to the big room downstairs , so we have to wheel them straight across the hall , through the guest room , out the sliding glass door , down to the other sliding glass door , across the wooden walkway for the sauna , and in the door to the big room . You can see why we wanted to wait for a day when it wasn 't raining . Then we had to clean them up and put them into position . We got all of a set of 10 cherry library shelves ( with a crossbar and a ladder ) out of the storage room . Unfortunately , they cannot occupy one wall like they did in Austin , nor can they have their top shelves added on . But we set up half of them on one wall , and will be setting up the other half on the other wall . We still have three black bookshelves to move out , and then the bookshelves will be done , and I can start unpacking the books . Also in the shelving category are our DVD / CD shelves . My husband moved them up from the basement last week and attached them to the walls in my office . Then I unpacked all the DVDs and put them away ( alphabetically , of course ) and the CDs that were on the shelves before . We have hundreds more CDs , though , that used to be in a 300 - CD jukebox that broke . We will have to figure out what to do with them . So much for jukeboxes . That one held up only a paltry 15 years . I still have the 5 - CD player that my brother sent me for my birthday 20 years ago , and it works perfectly well . I also have my record player . Yes , I do , and my record albums , which I understand are becoming chic these days . We 'll have to figure out a place for those , too . I do play them sometimes . It took me a while to figure out what my cat was doing every morning , but I finally did . She stands just outside the bedroom drapes , which are closed in early morning , and watches the birds in the feeders . If it 's a cold morning , she sits directly on top of the heating vent you can see there in the floor . We put a feeder out months ago , but it is only in the past three weeks or so that we 've seen any usage made of it . I thought it was too close to the house , since we hung it directly under the eaves outside our bedroom window , but that doesn 't bother the chickadees , and they love the suet that is next to the feeder . If I want to get other birds , I 'll have to hang another feeder farther from the house . Sometimes a few small gray birds are on the deck eating the seeds that the chickadees dropped . I think they are bush tits . We had tufted titmice in Austin that hung out with the chickadees , but here I have only seen these little gray birds . The chickadees here , by the way , are lots bigger than the ones that we had in Austin . If you are waiting with bated breath to hear about my art class , I finished my flower last week , but I forgot to take a picture of it , as requested by Naomi . My flower is okay , but I think my sister 's is much more striking ( although our instructor has labeled us the one who doesn 't follow instructions [ my sister ] and the one who does [ me ] ) . I think this is because my sister traced the outlines of her flower petals when the instructor told her not to . I will try to remember to take a picture of my flower today . Now the instructor has us doing another exercise . The first one was interesting , but now that we have done real pictures , the exercises are boring . This one is drawing everyday objects from the basic shapes . That is , ice cream cones from cones and spheres , etc . I think the school is wise to alternate exercises with opportunities to draw pictures . I was regretting the other day that our property seemed to have no flowering trees , when I looked out the window and saw that yes , we had at least one . A cherry tree had come into bloom . So , I took my phone out , even though it was a gloomy day , and took a few photos of the signs of spring on our property . There was the cherry tree , the beginnings of lotus buds on the pond , the wildflowers near the path on the way to the pond . Other parts of our area are blooming much more showily , but we can do something about that next year . Our lino story continues . The marmoleum never arrived , so last week I got on the Forbo website and ordered my own samples . I discovered on their page that there were a lot more colors than the design center showed me . They showed me just one family of colors when they have six or eight . So , I ended up requesting six samples . I got a message from FedEx saying it had shipped , so maybe this time I 'll get my samples . My contractor has yet to find me an installer , but I found a list of distributors in our area , and presumably they would know of installers . My understanding is that linoleum has been reviving as a trendy floor product , so I 'm not sure why everyone here is acting like I want something unheard of . My niece spoke to me about it when I first moved here , because she wants to install it in her laundry room . She has friends who installed it in Portland and love it . And my friend from Portland told me that even when she was back in Michigan 15 years ago it was becoming more popular . It is a green floor product because of what it is made of , linseed oil and limestone and recycled wood flour , whatever that is . Even a friend of mine , who laid carpet while working his way through graduate school , knows how to lay it . Unfortunately , he lives in Illinois . I had to laugh at what my niece told me about marmoleum . She said that vinyl is too shiny and that one of the reasons she likes marmoleum is because of its matte surface . I told her that when I was a child , we had a typical 50 's kitchen : aqua double ovens and a small aqua refrigerator ( I can 't remember if the sink was aqua - I think it was white ) , formica counter tops with that space age design of rounded corner triangles in aqua and I think tan on white , and linoleum floors . Only , I told her , in those days everyone waxed their linoleum . One time we went over to a friend 's house , and their linoleum was unwaxed . We had never seen that before , so we thought their floor was dirty . The electrician finished up the connections to the generator and sauna last week just in time for our latest power failure . Unfortunately , since the inspector hadn 't been out to look at the propane tank installation , we didn 't have any propane , so we had to rough it . The propane company reports that they are still waiting for the inspector . The inspector for the electrical work came right out the day the electrician finished , so that is all good . Of course , we found out from the electrician that no one had permitted any of the electrical work done in the basement . On Thursday we had some sunshine , and my niece brought her kids over to help me plant my plants , by which I mean to plant them herself . While we were planting the bird 's nest spruce next to the fountain , we found a little hemlock sprig , which we moved to a better place . We ended up planting all of the plants on the ridge . This weekend I had another outing to Portland to meet my friend . I drove to the airport area , where I parked my car and took the train into the city . I met my friend at the convention center , and we attended a pottery show . I have to buy a backpack for these expeditions , because I always end up buying something and having to cart it around . Last time , it was a gigantic loaf of bread . This time , I bought a cup at the pottery show , and I would have bought more - not for myself as I 've decided we have enough junk when I look around at all the stuff that is unpacked , but as gifts for my friends - except that I didn 't want to have to cart a bunch of pottery back on the train . Later , we took the trolley to a nice Mediterranean restaurant , then took it back to attend the Portland Friends of the Library book sale . One of the sights my friend showed me was a beautiful street full of cherry blossoms . Apparently , this street , which people come from all around to take pictures of in the spring , will not be there much longer . They 're tearing it and the nearby park down to put up an ugly apartment building . " Paved paradise to put up a parking lot . " I attended art class by myself this week . I started shading the leaves of my flower and got about halfway done . I wasn 't sure how much it really looked like a flower , but my instructor made me stand back and look at it . I guess it looks like a flower . I am now remembering the woman in our first class who was drawing what looked like a bunch of blobs and wondering if I am doing much better . I am interested to see how my sister 's bird of paradise is coming along , though . Author whatmereadPosted on April 26 , 2017May 1 , 2017Categories relocating , renovationsTags art class , climate , contractors , flooring , flowers , landscaping , Portland , rural life2 Comments on Signs of spring , no signs of lino Bright lights , big carpet woes Last week the new light fixtures I ordered for the bathroom came in , unfortunately too late to be installed by the electricians when they came back to fix a few things . That means my husband has been installing them , which has been an interesting process that has been going on since Friday . Like much in this house , the original bathroom lights were installed incorrectly , using the wrong type of box . So , my husband has had to improvise in order to get them in correctly . This has taken a lot of time and many , many trips to the hardware store . In fact , this weekend we made trips to four different hardware stores looking for the parts he needed and yesterday he went off again . So far , my husband has replaced the smaller light fixture in the guest bath and one of the two larger light fixtures in the master bath . All three fixtures were the same - ugly with curlicues . When we bought the house , one was already broken , and the painters broke another one . So far this week , we have not seen any contractors , but they are supposed to come out either today or tomorrow to lay the rest of the hardwoods at the top of the stairs . A guy is also supposed to come out to measure the bathrooms , laundry room , and closet below the stairs for vinyl . We are replacing it in the bathrooms and laundry room and installing it in the new closet . I am also supposed to see some vinyl samples this week . On the not - so - good front , I went back in to Lowe 's to order the carpet for the stairs and a guy came out and measured . He told us that the new staircase was too far away from the wall at the bottom because the wall is warped , so we have to fasten steel plates at the end of the stairs or else all kinds of things are going to go down the sides of the stairs and be trapped . But even worse than that , after I went in and paid for the new carpet installation , I got a call from Lowe 's saying my carpet is out of production and won 't be available until the end of May . So , my hopes that all our indoor renovations would be done within a week or two have been dashed . Now , I 'm afraid that at the end of May they 're going to come back to me and tell me the carpet is no longer available . That wouldn 't be a problem if we weren 't trying to match the carpet that is already in the basement . Also , the painters want to come back on Saturday to do touch - ups , paint the new shelves in the downstairs linen closet , and clear coat the new flooring at the top of the stairs . This will be the third time they have asked to paint on Saturday . Since we 're retired the day shouldn 't really make a difference , but it actually does . I said yes , but reluctantly . On the hummingbird front , we now have hummingbirds zinging around the back deck almost constantly , especially by the red feeder . It was sunny enough for me to sit out on the deck one day last week , and the hummingbirds were fighting as usual . One almost smacked into my head ! He stopped himself about two feet away from me . I went out for an expedition with my sister and my three - year - old great nephew last week . We went to a nursery . I have been dying to add some color to our property , but I don 't have any beds yet . I went with her to buy primroses , and I showed her ranunculus , which she also bought . Then we all went to her place and planted flowers . The little boy 's job was to pick out the next color we were going to plant . He would say , " Pink ! I like pink ! " then the next time he would say " Orange ! I like orange ! " Apparently , he likes all colors , which is probably a good way to be . Later , when we did some work in the vegetable garden , he amused himself by pretending to dig up onions . |
I have been fighting nausea for the past couple of days now . At first , I thought it was just all a part of my fibro crap because I get nauseated from time to time . But by Tuesday night , my stomach burned and was almost tender to the touch . I just feel soured . That is such a gross word . It is either what Madalyn had last week or a freaking stomach ulcer . I just feel absolutely blah . Blah , blah , blah . Of course , Scott doesn 't even want to be in the same room with me . Funny , he shakes hands with dozens of people a day passing millions of germs by the minute , and he won 't come within a ten foot radius of me when I am slightly ill . This morning was an adventure . And , note to self for next year , I do not intend on taking both the children in for their flu shots at the same time again . This is David 's first year to have one . Please do not call DHR . I have always kept David 's other immunizations up to date , but I never really believed in the flu shot . Madalyn had one from the time she was able because of her nasty , germ infested brother coming home from school and breathing all over her . But this year , since David was hospitalized with that asthma flare up , he needed one . Since it was his first time , he had to have a booster thirty days after the original . Well , I didn 't even tell him he would have to go back until last night . He absolutely freaked out when they gave him the first dose . I had to threaten calling his father if he didn 't calm down . So last night , I broke the news . He was not pleased . But I told him that this time , Madalyn would have to get one too and I needed him to be brave for her . Well , that was an idea , but definitely not reality . He was okay until he saw the syringe . He wouldn 't lay down on the table , he was crying , and the nurse and I both had to hold him down so she could give him the shot . I was so embarrassed . Of course Madalyn was fine until the actual stick . But once the tears started , I didn 't think they would ever stop . Then I took them back to school for their teachers to deal with them . I cPosted by The common conversation around households everywhere , I am sure - Mom or Dad to little child , " Look at this . Isn 't this cool ? " Child 's response , " Yes , but what does it do ? " It doesn 't matter if it is a perfect replica of the White House down to every doorknob and window pane , if it doesn 't light up or make hideous noises , they don 't believe it is of value . A couple of weeks ago , my mom and me and the kids made our annual trek to the Hallmark store to purchase ornaments . My mom has bought me a Winnie the Pooh Christmas ornament for I don 't know how many years . And even though my adoration for the Pooh Bear is waning , I still look forward to the ornament each year as well as unpacking my entire collection . I guess it is just the little girl that still breathes somewhere deep inside me . So this year , David was having major decision issues . He really wanted the ornament that was a PlayStation controller mainly because that 's what he really wants for Christmas . And that would have been perfect , but they were out of that one . Then he starts looking at all these crazy ones . One was an ESPN TV that played that goofy little tune when you pressed the button . How ridiculous , I thought , but how wonderful was David 's response . I told him he ought to pick something that meant something , that signified a part of his life for that year . And then I showed him this adorable little golf cart ornament . You see , David played in his first golf tournament this past summer , and what better way to remember it by than with a Hallmark Keepsakes ornament ( I can 't believe I didn 't get paid for that last statement ) . And his freaking response was , " But what does it do ? " Are you kidding me ? It is a Christmas ornament not an entertainment device . Is this how far we 've come ? Has it really come to this ? So then I had to explain the purpose of an Ornament - to adorn the tree , not make noise and light up - and after about fifteen more minutes of his internal deliberation , he finally picked up the golf cart and sealed the deal . It was brought back toPosted by We had a great time in Auburn this weekend ! The only thing that would have made it any better is a pair of fifty yard line tickets . But we didn 't have that , so watching on a TV beside a cozy fire was the next best thing . And we really enjoyed it . I must say that there was probably a record setting crowd this weekend . I have never seen that many people in one area before . I would dare say that there were just as many people there to go into the game as were there just to tailgate . Some good friends of ours were also there , so we walked back and forth between tailgates and walked all over the campus and watched all the crazy college kids . We had a great time . But of course , we came home completely exhausted . I had forgotten how loud hotels really are . On Friday evening , our neighbors decided to sit up and chit chat until three in the morning . I couldn 't understand what they were saying , but I could hear their voices and I could not go to sleep to save my life . Surprisingly , Saturday night was relatively quiet with the exception of the phone call we had in the middle of the night looking for Rex . Needless to say , last night , when we laid down in our bed at 9 : 00 , I passed out and didn 't wake up until 7 : 00 this morning when Scott woke me up . I think I could have slept until noon . So today , my house is in complete disarray as I am putting away the pumpkins and pulling out the Christmas decorations . I have already got the tree up downstairs . We have a bonus room in our basement and my husband has made it his Auburn room . So last year I bought a white tree with white lights and I decorate it all in orange and blue . Too much fun ! ! And today I am working upstairs getting everything out . And of course Madalyn has been right in the middle of it all . This will probably be her first year to really be excited about it all . Last year , she really still didn 't quite understand what was going on . And I know that our days of David believing in Santa are waning . He really started asking questions last year - Is he real ? How does he gePosted by I am just plain worn out . From the minute I woke up to the time Grey 's came on last night , I ran like a mad dog . But you know , I definitely stopped for my favorite show . And I am most grateful for the fact that Thanksgiving is over , and I won 't have to do it again for a whole year . Everything turned out great , and we had a big crowd . But I am always glad to see them go and change into my sweatpants and get everything put away and then sit down . It is rewarding but exhausting . And I do wish that I could do it for just my family one year . This all started for Scott 's family , and I still invite my parents and my oldest brother because they live close enough to come . But it would be great to have just my family together at my house . Or to be able to go to my grandmother 's house . Those are really my fondest childhood memories - times spent at my maternal grandmother 's house . But I have traded off with Scott about the holidays - I do Thanksgiving here for his family , and every year , no matter what , as long as she is alive , I will be at my grandmother 's house on Christmas Eve . That 's a part of this wondrous thing called marriage . Give and take . Compromise . Fun , fun , fun ! So , yesterday , my oldest nephew came with my brother . The last time I saw him , he was not quite as tall as me . Now he is about two inches taller that me and will turn sixteen in a few weeks . Okay , first of all , am I really old enough to have a nephew that is sixteen ? I remember when he was born . I was studying in the waiting room for my physical science exam . And it is almost like I blinked my eyes and now I have two kids of my own . It just seems so strange sometimes how my life has evolved . Sometimes it doesn 't even seem like my own . I still feel like an awkward teenager inside sometimes , and I have to remind myself that I , indeed , am grown up . Anyway , I don 't think I have the energy to get all deep and psychological today . I would really like to go and take a nap , but there is so much to do . Scott and I are supposed to be leaving tonight when he gets oPosted by Did you know that poison oak has this beautiful foliage in the fall ? Doesn 't seem quite right , does it ? I didn 't realize it myself until this year . It is amazing what one can learn when they slow down and pay attention to things . And it helps when your neighbor has an enormous growth of the pesky vine on a tree in his front yard . I have been watching it grow to mammoth proportions through the summer and was surprised to see it change to this beautiful color weeks ago . It was one of the natural ironies I thought I should share . Anyway , you ( whoever you are out there ) won 't be hearing anything from me for the next few days . I will be elbow deep in either vomit or turkey . Have a great holiday everyone ! When Scott and I found our house , it was as near being complete as it could be without being so . The only thing that was not finished was the flooring . And we instantly fell in love . It had everything we needed , and most importantly , it could be finished and ready for us to move in in three weeks - the scheduled closing on our home in Montgomery . But we were disappointed when we found out that the builder had planned to put vinyl flooring in the kitchen and all the bathrooms . We really wanted tile , but changing the plans would cost us extra money and time , neither of which we had . So vinyl flooring it was , and still is today . Not until this morning did I fully appreciate vinyl flooring . Its versatility , resilience , durability . Madalyn threw up all over the kitchen floor this morning . When I say all over , I mean all over . She emptied the contents of her stomach , which mainly consisted of strawberry milk and her own saliva . What an easy clean - up ! Just a few paper towels - well , several paper towels - followed up by a cleaning with the Lysol Kitchen disinfecting spray , and voila ! Good as new . No pesky grout lines for vomit to stick to and fester germs . May not be the best of quality , but it 's definitely a good choice for young families with children who do not know yet how to hang their head over the toilet or trashcan to vomit . In case any of my two readers has not noticed , Madalyn has impeccable timing for her illnesses . She always has . And she is one of those whiny sick kids who wants you to sit and hold her and be with her all the time . And that would be fine if I didn 't have like twenty people coming here day after tomorrow . But I guess it will all work out . It always does . Now , I just have to pray that the entire house isn 't hugging the toilet by week 's end . The house is a bustle today with activity . I am getting ready for Thanksgiving in the midst of all the laundry that Monday always has to offer . I am already on my third load and I also have my third skillet of cornbread in the oven . I always prepare the cornbread on Monday so that it 's out of the way . And tomorrow , Madalyn has her Thanksgiving Musical at her preschool . That should be interesting . She can be quite the entertainer in the privacy of our own home , but something tells me that when she sees all those people in the audience , she will completely shut down . One extreme or the other , though , guaranteed . David has his Thanksgiving lunch tomorrow , so Madalyn and I will get our dose of public school lunch food . Surprisingly , it wasn 't that bad last year . The dressing was a little strange and runny , but the rest was quite good . Nothing like my feast however ! This will be the fifth year I have hosted Thanksgiving dinner at my house and done the bulk of the cooking . I do turkey , ham , green bean casserole , veggies , and dressing , of course . I don 't do giblet gray , however , and never will . I don 't boil turkey innards and do anything with them . Despite the fact that I will be completely worn out by the end of the week , I actually enjoy it all . There is something so satisfying about planning and preparing and pulling off a meal of that magnitude . Last year was a light crowd , but this year we will be at full capacity . Scott 's grandfather is suffering from stage four lung cancer , and this may be his last Thanksgiving with us . Very sad , but it seems a bit ironic because he has battled emphysema for over a decade now . So , I am sure that this year will be a special one . And I think that 's what satisfies me most . That for one day of the year , my house can be transformed into a place of love and laughter . And these are the memories my children and the rest of our family will have forever . If you are looking for something a little less intimidating , try my blog ! I am surprised it rated as highly as it did seeing as my reading level still remains somewhere around the fourth grade . Isn 't that average for Alabama though ? Get a Cash Advance I just got back home from my first Christmas shopping experience of the season ! Toy 's R Us has some great prices right now , by the by , on all the necessities of the season for this household . I racked up today , seriously . And it was so much fun ! I love Christmas ! ! ! ! ! It 's one of the very few times of the year that - the only time of the year - that I just get giddy with excitement . I have so much fun shopping for my kids , though they both need absolutely nothing at all and play with the same things all the time . I love to find something that I know will be a big hit because I can imagine their excitement and smile as they see it for the first time . See , I really do love my kids . Just don 't like them all the time . I had been holding out on shopping , but Thanksgiving is next week and then the major countdown starts . I don 't mind scavenging around for adult gifts . You can always give a gift card if need be . But the kids are different . They are what Christmas is all about . And with only one retail toy store in the entire Birmingham metro area , I had to come off the cash before everything gets gone ! Scott had given me some money about a month ago earmarking it specifically for Christmas . So that 's all that sits in our poor excuse for a savings account . And now even less sits in it , but that 's okay . I don 't know what I would do if we weren 't broke ! One good thing about this year : This will be the first year in about three years that I will not have to purchase a freaking Power Ranger toy of any kind . Perhaps we are finally outgrowing the Power Ranger era of our life ? Praise the Lord ! ! ! I don 't understand the attraction or fascination with marshmallows lately , but David has definitely gotten out of control . Monday they became a huge issue , as he wanted to " build a structure " ( which seemed an odd wording for a six year old ) with them . Apparently his class did an " experiment " ( one of David 's favorite words right now ) with marshmallows last week . They were given ten marshmallows and toothpicks and were to build a structure . This is right up David 's alley at the moment - he is all about discovery , especially science , and was so excited about his structure . So , yesterday , I opened David 's backpack to get his folder and things out for homework and found a ziploc bag with a smooshed marshmallow / toothpick structure . I just left it in his backpack and tried to ignore it . Now , I know that children take an enormous amount of pride in things they have done , and I really try to respect that . But the amount of crap - for lack of a better term - that comes home from school is a bit ridiculous , and the majority of it ends up in the trash . The teachers send it home , I believe , so that they do not have to face the wrath of eighteen angry children in the classroom upon finding their precious creations in the trash . It would be a revolt ! And I am sure that the teacher would not come out victorious . I just could not believe that these now hard marshmallows were sent home . Thank you , 1st grade teacher , for sparking an argument between me and my sassy six year old this morning . As if we need any help in that department . This morning , as I opened his backpack and had my pretend discovery of said marshmallow whatever , I praised him for his efforts and expressed true admiration for his work . Followed quickly , of course , with , " You know we will have to throw this away . " You would have thought I had cut off an appendage and tossed it in the trash . David has developed the most annoying whine since starting public school . I don 't know if it is a part of the formal education or not , but if he received a grade on it , I am sure iPosted by I had an interesting start to my morning today . Madalyn hopped in bed with us around 5 : 45 this morning toting along her blanket , piggy , and cup of morning strawberry milk . She cuddled up with me , as usual , and sucked down the entire cup of milk . And then , she began to cough . And cough , and cough , and cough . And then she gagged . I suppose she has inherited my hatred for vomiting because , somehow , she maintained composure and did not toss the cookies . Or , should I say milk ? But then I could hear her holding back and gagging in her throat , and I knew that it was inevitable . So I made her sit up and I got a towel and told her that if she had anything in her mouth , she needed to spit it out . I was trying to prevent the vomit from ending up all over me . So she sat up and coughed some more , and out it came . All of it . All nine ounces of strawberry milk mixed with a lot of mucous . Beautiful way to start the day . And I know that my husband got incredibly irritated with me . He thought I was being a little rough on her . Perhaps I was . I had to get a little loud with her to make her sit up . She is so stubborn . I can 't get her to blow her nose , so everything is just rolling down her throat and going to her stomach . And just the thought of that is enough to make me want to throw up . I just feel like I am losing all control . I honestly feel like I am in a fog right now . I am in the midst of a " flare up " of my beloved fibromyalgia - a diagnosis that I received almost two years ago , and that I don 't talk about that much at all . I first noticed that things were different after David was born . I just never felt like anything got back to normal . The pregnancy fatigue lingered , and at first I chalked it up to having a new baby . But after six or seven months , I knew something wasn 't right . It took four years and many , many crazy tests to get to the bottom of things . And I wanted to resist a formal diagnosis of fibromyalgia . I wanted something that could be fixed . I wanted the doctor to give me the magic medication to make me feel goodPosted by So , I discovered this morning as I enjoyed the last few hours of my dear friends visit that my children do not like to share their crazy mama ! On any given normal day off , the kids will wake up and watch cartoons and eventually eat some breakfast . We just relax and do nothing . Usually by lunch time , I have managed to look respectable and we may run out on an errand or go play outside . I am just not an entertaining type of mom . Never have been . So this morning was nothing new , except for Erika . The kids watched their cartoons , I actually made muffins - two different kinds , which is most impressive for me - and Erika and I , who were both feeling a little crappy , just sat on the couch and talked and drank our coffee and ate thirteen muffins . Perhaps thirteen is a bit of an exaggeration , but you get the gist . David became incredibly irritated with me just out of no where . He wanted to make something out of marshmallows and toothpicks and I just didn 't think that a very good idea with a two year old around . Toothpicks and two year olds don 't mix very well in my opinion . And he was bored , he said , and he sat at the kitchen table for thirty minutes with his head laid down and sighing and the works . And then he laid in the living room floor between me and Erika and hit his feet on the floor so jealous of the fact that I , for once in my poor pitiful existence , actually had another real live human adult with whom to hold conversation . I mean get over it , seriously . Come on , kiddos . I live for you both ! I can 't take a crap without one of you in the bathroom with me . I can 't sit down for a minute without your needs and wants being shouted across the airwaves . I can 't think about anything for the noise and the whining and Madalyn 's infamous shriek . So for a day and a half I get crazy and decide to think about myself and now I believe the whole family unit is compromised . David is mad . Madalyn is exhausted . And I am sure that I owe my husband all kinds of sexual favors for bathing the children and attempting to keep them out oPosted by I have been busy the last two days doing laundry and mopping floors and running errands . In case anyone who actually does read this blog does not know it yet , my best friend Erika is flying in tonight and spending the weekend with me . And , of course , I have to have the house clean to further promote the mythical belief in the All - American Housewife that is able to maintain spotless floors and wrinkle free clothing . But the most important thing is that I not have anything else to do while she is here . So we can hang out and do what most friends get to do , face to face . Which is talk , laugh , eat , shop , drink coffee , etc . This may not sound like much to some , but for me it is a part of friendship I truly miss . I remember when Erika left Alabama for the chance at love and marriage with Larry . I was hopeful and excited about her future , but I hated to see her go . I was in my first marriage at that time , and she was the only one in the world that knew as well as I did that it would not last . She was probably the only person that hoped we would divorce , that I would find a way to get away from him . He simply did not love me , and already in our very fresh marriage had done things that were not acceptable . And I remember the day shortly before she moved when I took her a gift - a memory box . I felt so empty as I drove home that day . I felt so alone and so uncertain of our future as friends . I mean moving that far away meant that we would rarely see each other and when you are so young you never know what the future holds . We had always said in our naivety that we would get married and live next door to each other . Didn 't work out as planned , as so many things never do . And ten years later after the move , we remain the best of friends . We have been through so much together , mainly over the phone . And it seems so strange to feel so close to someone that I never see . She is the one person that knows me beyond a doubt . We don 't have to explain our comments to each other . We don 't have to try . She is the closest thing I have tPosted by I woke to the sound of little feet around 1 am this morning . It was Madalyn , and when I picked her up , I could instantly feel she had fever . So we made our way to the kitchen and took a dose of Motrin and I then laid down with her in her bed . It 's moments like these that are so sweet . The moments where she is my child , someone who needs me and wants me there . No yelling , no squealing . Just cuddling and digging her little feet into my legs . She can be so sweet . Of course no one likes to wake up in the middle of the night and deal with a sick child . But right now with Madalyn , I am open to any time with her that I can actually enjoy her . We laid there for probably an hour and she talked to me in the sweetest little whisper and showed me all her friends that sleep with her in the bed . And finally , when I could tell that her fever was starting to go down , I told her that I was going back to my bed . Of course she got up a few times to try to join me , but finally drifted back to sleep . She has become some a force to be reckoned with during the day that it was so nice to have such a positive moment with her at such an unlikely time . " I mean , you know you have to keep your eyes on her and make sure she 's not getting into something . Because you know she will , right ? You know she 'll get into something . I am counting on you to hold the fort down for thirty minutes . " " I understand . " " I just want to make sure that you understand that you have to pay attention to what she 's doing . This is why I don 't walk on the treadmill while she 's awake anymore . Because I can 't hear what she 's doing . " " I understand , Tamara . " " Just making sure . " I am amazed to report that the house still stands . I just really need some time away from these children . More than a few hours . More than I have been getting . The days are getting longer and longer , and it 's just me . There 's no back - up , no second shift coming in to relieve me . It is me from 7 : 30 in the morning to 7 : 30 at night . I am just plain weary . Scott will be taking his first day off ( other than Sunday ) in about a month on tomorrow , so that will be nice not only to have some time with him that I need , but to have another parent around that can fetch things and answer screams from upstairs and calm siblings entangled in war . I hate feeling this way . I feel like I get to a point - so rundown , so aggravated , so insane - where I become this horrible mother . Right now , there 's not much about them I enjoy . Even bedtime has become a way for Madalyn to terrorize me . I am in and out of that room fifteen times before she will go to sleep . Oh , and that 's at naptime , too . Every few days or so , I will tell Scott to give her one of his " peptalks " . It is amazing how much better she responds to him than to me . And what is up with that ? How insulting is that ? I mean , we shared a body . I housed her in my womb , very uncomfortably at times , and then pushed her out . . . I 'll just stop there . Why will she not listen to me ? Why have I not figured her out yet ? What in the hell makes her tick ? ? ? ? ? She has started laughing at me . And it just makes me angry . There are so many afternoons that I just have to walk out of the room because I am afraid of what I might do if I don 't get away from her . I try to remind myself of the things I was taught in my childhood . Imagine me saying this in the best southern preacher voice I could possibly do : " The Lord will never give you more than you can handle . " Well , I just have one question . Do you reckon even he might get someone confused for someone else every now and again ? I mean , there are a whole lot of people in the world . Surely this child was meant for someone with much more patience , much more energy , much more creativity . As I write , the chilPosted by Today is my first full day of not being " thirty " but " thirty - something " . It 's a very strange thing turning thirty - one . I don 't know why it feels so much older than thirty , but it just does . Last year was almost a relief - I am finally leaving those wretched twenties and entering a new decade , more certain of who I am and what I want . But thirty - one just seems like another year older and much less monumental . But leave it to me , and I 'll make thirty - one as monumental as I can ! I can remember watching a TV show called " Thirty Something " in my childhood , and then I used to watch its reruns on Lifetime all the time . Then , the show seemed like an imaginary world where adults had children and stressed about bills and worked through the difficulties of marriage . It was all foreign to me then . But now I find myself living in that world . I am thirty - something with all that comes along with this decade . The stress , oh , the stress of money and children and marriage . And this past year has definitely been full to the brink of all those stresses ! But it has also granted me so many joys and so many blessings . And through it all , the one constant is my God . And I think the older I get , the more I realize just how solid and true the Lord is . He has carried me and my family through many trials and will continue to do so . Last year was full of adventure , and tomorrow holds even more in store for us I am sure . So here 's to another year of laughter and tears , of joy and pain , of memories that will last a lifetime . I just fell down the stairs . Don 't be alarmed , if anyone is really reading this . I have done this about two or three times a year since we moved to a house with stairs . The first time I fell was when I was pregnant with Madalyn . Isn 't that lovely ? Just stepped wrong going down and down I went . You don 't really think about it until it happens to you , but it is not that difficult to fall down stairs . I don 't find any difficulty in doing it , that 's for sure . So today , I happened to be toting the vacuum cleaner in my left hand . I still can 't tell you exactly how it happened , but there I went and I landed on my right side , like the ribcage area . And somehow hit my foot on the vacuum cleaner simultaneously . What skill and grace ! As soon as I hit , I started crying . And then it went into one of those weepy cries . And the kids were just standing there looking at me . David kept asking what happened and I really couldn 't get it out for all the weeping . And Madalyn just said , " You hurt you foot ? " And they just watched over me as I cried and as soon as the tears subsided , they went about their business . It felt good to cry - not to fall , but to cry . Really cry . Just to get out some frustration and built up tension and worry that has seemed to consume me the past couple of weeks . I don 't think you realize how bad you need a good cry until you have it . No matter what brings it on . But now I am exhausted and I think I will try to just lie down for a while and quiet my mind . If that is at all possible in a house with two kids and four TV 's . On another day , I 'll have to share my phone call I received last night from the credit card company . I had a good cry then , too . No wonder why I feel so exhausted . Those are the words of Madalyn , and I tried to be as phonetically accurate as I could be . Though I am sure my spell check will go crazy ! That 's what my little Cinderella got in her pumpkin on Halloween . At least after I convinced her that it was okay to get out there in the dark around boys and girls dressed in scary masks . Once she walked up to the first door and realized that they were giving out " canny " , that was all she wrote ! And David was in rare form . He woke up on a sugar high , I promise ! His school , for some crazy reason , scheduled a field trip for that day to the Children 's Theater . So he had twice the excitement pulsing through his veins for the day . I was sure that his head would pop right off or he would have to move his clip at school . I am happy to report that neither occurred . We had a good time , as we went for the first year outside our neighborhood and trick or treated with friends this year . It is so strange now that David has begun to make his own friends . And I am especially glad that we get along great with his parents . Of course , would I really have allowed him to cultivate such a great friendship with a kid if I didn 't like their parents ? I think not . One of the advantages to having a young child - you can still control their life without them really realizing it . As usual , I always get a little blue around these types of " holidays " . And I do use that term loosely with Halloween . I am always by myself with the kids . That is just the way it has always been . Scott is in the car business and that equals very long hours , especially at the end of the month when you are on the crunch to get as many cars out for the month as you can . He did make it there for the tricking and treating around eight , but there is always that time before he gets there that I look around and see all these families together and I just get a little frustrated . But what are we supposed to do ? That is the life we have . And for the majority of the time , we do fine . But there are those times when I secretly wish that our livPosted by |
For one thing wrestling was regional . There were a small few wrestlers who were nationally known . Gorgeous George comes top mind . He strutted down to the wrestling ring in gold lame and beautiful capes . His golden locks were held in place by Georgie pins . No common bobby pins for him . He was in large demand and visited all the regions . Most wrestlers wrestled in one region only . There were the good guys and the bad guys . They hated each other and battled it out every week for all of us to watch . I was a little girl . in the early 50 's . I did not care much for wrestling . All those old fat men grappling with each other held no interest for me . The moves consisted of full Nelsons , half Nelsons , headlocks , and the like . My grandparents lived on a farm that had no electricity yet . We had a television and we got wrestling . Each week when they came to town to do their shopping my grandparents would stop at our house when they were finished and watch wrestling . It was dark when we went out . There were still things to do . We could catch lightning bugs and keep them in a jar . We often played hide - and - seek - in - the - dark . It was easier to hide when there were all those nice shadows to cover you . It was harder to find them if you were it . That was one of our favorite games . Often we would just go to the garden . We would lie between the rows of vegetables and watch the stars . As we looked for the various constellations and pointed them out to each other we learned a lot about the stars . Sometimes we even spotted a shooting star . If you spy a shooting star and make your wish before it shoots out of sight It is supposed to come true . I wish I could remember what I wished for . I would like to know if it worked . Even though we lived in town it was quiet at night . As we were lying there in the fresh smelling dirt between vegetable rows we sometimes told stories . We took turns making them up . It was great fun . I doubt that there were any scary stories . I do not recall knowing about ghosts or goblins at that age . In that time children were to be protected from ugly things in life . The only mean characters I knew about were the eveil witches in fairy tales . We all know what happened to them . Now wrestling is a faster moving thing . The wrestlers jump off ropes , have high kick moves , and fancy submission moves . It is seldom that you see a half Nelson in hold for minutes . The wrestlers are far more athletic in their moves . They no longer try to pretend that the outcomes of the matches were not predetermined . It is called sports entertainment instead of a sport like Olympic wrestling is . They rely on personalities and story lines to keep viewers tunig in next week . I had a large response to my post about competition . Thank you to everyone who read it . I hope it opened some conversations even if they are internal . At the same time you may have created a monster . I now feel compelled to follow that post with this one . The coach of the winning team says that he used no starters ( best players ) after the first half of the game . The game " simply got away " from him was what he said . He was suspended from his job as coach accused of poor sportsmanship and running up the score . As you might expect the parents of the winning team feel that their daughters did what they were supposed to do by scoring as much as they could . The parents for the losing team are outraged that the other team beat them by such a large score and feel that their daughters are embarrassed and think they are lesser players . They feel the winning coach should have instructed his team to not play so hard once they had a large lead in scoring . The losing coach said , " People shouldn 't feel sorry for my team . They should feel sorry for his team , which isn 't learning the game the right way ? " He still has his job . I heard a woman on a talk show saying that perhaps the winning coach and losing coach should have traded a few players at the half - way point to even playing abilities . Another woman told her that winning and losing is a part of life . The players needed to learn to do both with grace and dignity . I feel bad for the girls on the losing team . Perhaps they just are not as talented or perhaps they were not as dedicated . Perhaps they just got beat . I am happy for the girls on the winning team . I would like to think they put in a lot of time polishing their skills . Perhaps it was just one of those days where everything went their way . Steroids . They are the bane of the sports world . Players are using drugs to enhance their bodies and natural abilities . It gives them an unfair advantage against their opponents . Baseball players were discovered to be using steroids to give them an unfair advantage over other players . By now they are being called performance enhancing drugs . There has been a huge scandal in baseball resulting in fines , suspensions , and terminations for players found guilty of using these drugs . My opinion of steroid users is that they are trying to cheat . They are looking for an easy solution to help them be a little better than the next guy . Artificial assistance is wrong . Working hard to improve your own abilities is what they needed to do . Often the ones who were the worst violators would have been star players without the drugs . Of course you are cheating the people you are competing against . They are also trying to win . If they are palying fairly and you are not it is not really a competition . My opinion is that you are cheating yourself . You do not have enough faith in yourself to participate in a fair competition . You are selling yourself short . You also cheat yourself of knowing what you could accomplish on your own and feeling the satisfaction of doing your best . You will have no motivation to improve you skills . I have even seen people playing solitaire cheating . My goodness . You are playing against yourself . Winning and losing are both important . We have discussed this so I will not elaborate . But I have an example of what each can do . My sons were on a little league baseball team . There were only four teams in this league . It was church sponsored . Each team had a sponsor of one of the area businesses . They had team T - shirts and caps that were required to be worn during games . Each team had its own coach who was responsible for teaching and practice . My sons ' team had never in its history won a game . . . not one . After each game we parents would take up a collection to give the coach to treat the boys . Then we all drove to the little neighborhood store that was their sponsor . The boys would receive from their coach something to drink and a snack . It was a fun way for them to feel together and sort of rehash the game . They learned to rebound from the loss . Then at practices they would work at learning their game . They learned the rules . They learned how to bat and run the bases . They prepared for the next game . Then came that fabulous day when they won . The other three teams knew that playing against our team ensured a win . That first team they beat was not at all happy . Their coach was furious . Our team congratulated the other team as was a rule of the league . They lined up and as they walked in a line congratulated each player from the other team on a game well - played . Usually they simply said , " Good game . " It is enough . The fun thing was that on the way to the store for their treat the boys were hanging out car windows screaming , " We 're number 4 ! We 're number 4 " They had not felt that they were even to be ranked before because they had not won a game . Now they were legitimate players and deserved to be the number 4 team . It was a good lesson for us all . Normally I steer away from political statements here . I have my own views on everything . I do not completely agree with any person I have ever met or seen on television . But I feel so strongly about this that I have to say something . If you do not wish to be caught up in my rant now is the time to run . The Sniper is a new movie . It is a true story about a soldier whose position in the military is as a sniper . A sniper is a person who lies in wait to catch the enemy and shoot to kill that enemy . I will not see the movie . My brother was killed in Viet Nam . Even after all these years the pain is still too close to expose myself to watching people kill each other . I had no plans to see the movie when they first began to advertise it . I personally know the person who began all this nonsense . He has narrow views about this . And I strongly disagree . This person and I are not friends ( or enemies ) but I do know the person . War is a violent confrontation usually between two countries or large groups . The idea of this " game " is kill as many of the enemy as possible until one side gives up and a " peace " is proclaimed . Usually there is not a winner . War is not nice . But when a war is declared each side must play to win . Each participant in the game wants to emerge with his life intact and his / her body whole . Most are not successful . There must be a place to have this war . There may be innocent and not - so - innocent people who actually live in that area . Unless they can remove themselves from that area they are likely to be hurt or killed . It is not right but that is war . Many combatants from each side contribute what they have been trained for . If we are totally honest some are trained ( whether they know it or not ) to be casualties . But casualties reduce the number of combatants so those in charge try to keep the numbers low . One of the ways to do that is to train some who show a talent for accuracy to place themselves in a spot where they are not readily seen by the enemy . They can then watch for single enemy soldiers or civilians who might cause harm to his own soldiers . His job is to kill them before they can cause damage . War is a dirty thing . Most people who participate would rather be home with their families . Most do not want to kill other people . Most do what they can to help their side win . In our country we enjoy certain rights . They are guaranteed by The Constitution which is our law . Military personnel work hard to protect us and our rights . For this we should be grateful to each and every one of them . We have the right to agree or disagree with the reasons our country has for being at war . We have the right and responsibility to see that we follow the rules set up for conducting these awful confrontations . If someone breaks the rules that person should face whatever consequences are for the infraction . If our country breaks the rules the same applies . We also have the responsibility to support those who work at keeping those rights alive . I support every individual 's right to have an opinion about war . War is a nasty thing . Innocent people suffer . That is the nature of war . Name - calling is not a right . You have a right to your opinions . You have a right to state your opinions . You do not have the right to hurt another person . As the old saying oes , " Your right to swing your fist ends where the other person 's nose begins . " You do not have a right to besmirch another person 's character . I know that our soldiers are heroes . Their families are heroes because they sacrifice at home to allow us to be free . No more of this coward nonsense . My family has had a lot of pets . I learned at a very young age to not become too attached to a pet because they die . I do not dislike animals . In fact dogs love me . I just try to not grow to care for them because it is too hard to part with them . When I was very young my family had a dog named Trixie . She had a large litter of puppies that my brother and I dropped into the the outdoor toilet . You can read about that here . We lived in the country and Trixie roamed free . She was hit by a car and died . Once my father came home with a tiny wire - haired terrier . I thought it was a chihuahua . I no longer remember it 's name . My father had found it in his duties as town marshal which included him being the animal control officer . He brought home so many animals because he could not bring himself to kill them . One dog he brought home was a stray . He held it for the required amount of time to see if an owner claimed it . No one came forward . Daddy said he took it out into the country , shot it , and buried it . When he got back to town the dog was waiting for him . Whether Daddy was completely truthful or not did not matter . We had a new dog . My sister knew a woman who had a dog that she showed in dog shows . She could no longer keep the dog for some reason . My sister took it . My sister took her to several vets and they found the problem but could not see a solution . There was something wrong with her intestines that made it painful for her to do what she needed to do . Eventually the pain became so severe that Misky had to be put down . He was a funny dog . He would begin with a bark and end up baying . . . arf , arf , arf , arf arrooooooooo . He would run after vehicles . He especially liked motorcycles . The bike riders thought he wanted to bite them and some would kick at him to try to keep him away . They did not realize that he simply wanted to race . Redneck was a Lothario . He fathered most of the puppies in the area . The give - away was the red color in their coats . Redneck was the only dog around who was that color . The kids were in school so I knew they were safe . I opened the front door to see what was going on . There was the dogcatcher standing on the sidewalk in front of our house trying to entice Redneck into coming to him . He could not come onto private property so he could not catch Redneck who was up against the front door . I smiled sweetly at him as Redneck came into the house then I shut the door . My husband and his friend were working when they saw a dog lying in the street . She had been hit by a car and could not move . She was afraid and tried to bite everyone who got too close . My husband got a blanket to throw over her and took her to the vet . Sheba ( that is what the children named her ) had a leg broken in three places and her hip was shattered like a jigsaw puzzle . When my husband brought her home she was in a cast from her waist to the bottom of her broken leg . She required a lot of care and she healed more quickly than the doctor had originally thought . We went for a family outing . To make sure that Redneck and Sheba would not get too friendly we put Redneck in the back yard . It was completely fenced so he would be safe and could not roam . Sheba was in the house safely away from all males . Several hours later we returned home . When we opened the front door there were both Sheba and Redneck to greet us with big smiles on their faces . After the appropriate amount of time Sheba successfully and safely gave birth to her litter . As we found homes for all the puppies but one Sheba began to be more and more attached to my husband and oldest son . She would not allow the children near my husband . Then came the day she viciously snapped at my daughter who was only about three years old . We had to find her another home . As I said we kept one of the puppies . He more or less was my oldest son 's dog but all the children loved him . He was named Attila Thor Doberhound . His favorite game was hide - and - seek . If he was it he would wait a while and then go looking until he found them . Then he would hide so the new it person found him . He was a smart dog . He liked to wander like his father did . Often he would come racing home with the dogcatcher in hot pursuit . He would run up close to the fence in front of our house because he knew that when they threw that circular net to catch him it would land against the fence leaving Attila an opening to keep running until he was safe . Attila disappeared when we were moving . The kids searched for him constantly . After a couple of months they found him at the dog pound . He was severely injured and the doctors there did not think he would survive . Someone had hung him up by his hind legs probably with a wire . The skin was gone or damaged at that point . They did not know if he would be able to walk again . He was malnourished . It was recommended that we " put him to sleep " . My second son was having none of that . He said he would take care of him and made them show him what to do . And he did . It took a long time but my son nursed Attila back to health . He could walk and run but not as fast as before . I was visiting a friend and sitting on the front porch enjoying a nice spring day . The neighbors had a puppy tied up outside . I noticed that it had no water and had been out there for a long time . Then the little boys who owned it came out to play with it . Their idea of play was to taunt the puppy with sticks . I had to go tell their mother that they were hurting the puppy . Her attitude was oh well . She was taking it to the pound the next day anyway . I took the puppy home with me and gave it to my son . Tilly never ate table scraps . She knew they were people food and she was not a people . She would also never eat in front of us . If she was given a dog treat she would take it and go to another room to eat it . Imagine my surprise one day when we had gone to Wendy 's to get something to eat . All my children were there so we sat in the living room talking as we ate . I set my frosty on the floor so I would not have to hold it all the time . I reached for my frosty . There was Tilly lappng away at it . She actually stole food ! I laughed too . After that if we went to Wendy 's we made sure to get her a frosty of her own . Another thing she liked was the money my son kept on a shelf just over his bed . He did not like to carry much money with him so he would just pull it out of his pocket and put it on the shelf . Often he would come home from work to find that Tilly had pulled down all the paper money onto the bed and was just rolling in it gleefully . Tilly began to walk in circles . It was a constant thing . From one end of the house to the other she just walked all the time . When she had a seizure we took her to the vet . She had a brain lesion and would eventually have to be put down . The vet said we would know when it was time . One night after a particularly severe seizure my son decided it was time . At the last minute he could not do it . The next morning she began having one seizure after another . Between seizures she whined wanting my son to make it better . We took her to the vet . The vet was so understanding and went to ready the injection that would end Tilly 's suffering . Tilly looked up at my son with pleading in her eyes to make it stop . The vet came in as she started to seize again and administered the shot . It was over in seconds . Now my son has another dog . He went for about 15 years before he felt able to care for another dog . Her name is Isabella . He causes her Bella . My son got her from a family that was moving and could not take her along . She had been rescued from an abusive situation as a small puppy . She had been left to die in a closed apartment with no food and no water . Bella did not like men at all . She resisted being close to my son for months . But he was the only one to take care of her so she slowly gave in . She now goes to him to be petted which she did not like at first . She sits on his lap even though she is a big dog . She is getting the love she needed as a puppy . Bella gave us a scare last night . My son gave her one of those little rawhide treats that is tied to look like a bone . She loves them because she can toss them around and play with them before she eats them . She was happily tossing it in the air and chasing it when she started to act strangely . The thing was caught in the back of her mouth and she could not get it out . She was digging frantically with her paws . but she could not reach it . Bella 's paws are swollen today . She did not cut them because we looked for blood but they were certainly irritated . My son said the inside of her mouth looked raw but other than that she is fine . We were lucky . Then there are the children 's sports teams who play but do not keep score . The premise is the same . No pressure to win , no disappointment at a loss . Parents often allow their children to win at all the games they play together . The children will not feel bad a bout losing the game and the parents know they would have won . Everybody is happy . As you might have guessed I have a different view . I strongly believe in competition . I think it encourages one to aspire to higher things . I also believe that if competition is encouraged it need not focus on winning every time but focusing on doing one 's best . As a child we had little money . We amused ourselves by playing sports and games of all sorts . As gifts we would recieve sports equipment among the other gifts . There were also board games that were sometimes a family gift . There were always rules that had to be followed . If the rules were broken a price had to be paid . So we learned to follow the rules even if there was no one to really enforce them . And we learned to call other players who broke the rules . We stood up for what was right according to the structure of the game . If it was just a pick - up game among friends we still kept score . Teams were chosen by the two captains of the day . Of course the better players were chosen first but we all played . At the end of the game we knew who won and who lost . But we were all friends and we knew that the next game would consist of a different combination of players and we might be on the other end of winning / losing , It did not matter . . . we were still friends . If it was an organized game for school we would be playing against another school . We played our hardest against them just as they did against us . It was all - out war for the time period the game lasted . Sometimes we won ; sometimes we lost . At the end of games each team would congratulate the other team on a game well played . It was over . My parents did not ever " let " us win the games . We learned that winning was not where the joy of playing comes from . It comes from trying your best . At the same time if we did win the game we had the satisfaction of knowing that it was our own prowess that allowed us to win . Of course there are games that depend on luck too . Cards games are like that . Being an unlucky person I do not do well on games that rely on luck . That is why I am not a gambler . But if I can use my abilities I have a fighting chance . When I was in school I liked getting good grades . At the same time I knew that learning was and is something that comes more easily to me than some others . It is the one thing I do really well . I am a very competitive person . I like to win . If I do not win I want to know that at least I tried my best . I do not gloat and rub it in to other players . I am happy but I am a good winner . That is important to me . If I lose I am a good loser . I am genuinely happy for the person beat me . As long as I did the best I could I am happy for me too . Competition is a good thing as long as it is balanced . It teaches us to strive to do well . It stimulates us to understand what the other person is doing and how to strategize a way to counteract his moves . That is called thinking ahead . It is needed in chess which I am not good at . . . I am much too impulsive . I have known some interesting characters . My mother always said , " If there is a weirdo anywhere in town I can count on at least one of my kids to bring it home . " I told her that she told us to surround ourselves with interesting people and weirdos certainly are interesting . Of course those are not the only interesting people . And we have met and enjoyed many different types of people . But I am going to introduce you to some destructive people I have known . My brother - in - law and sister - in - law have not always had a smooth relationship . When they married they were much too young . He had not finished exploring his feelings about women . She was saddled with three babies . So life was in a turmoil for them . But they stayed together and eventually gained some sort of maturity . They had two more children and began to have grandchildren . They were extremely good to my children and to me . They were especially good to my daughter . My daughter came home one day and told us that he had gotten mad and started to throw cookie jars at the walls and breaking them . He had been collecting the cookie jars for years and they were all gone . What a waste of money . There are the people who become angry with other people . Maybe a man and woman were in a relationship that dissolved . Maybe a brother is mad at another brother because " Mom likes you best " . Maybe neighbors are arguing about the direction the leaves fall from the tree in the fall . How to solve these disagreements ? It 's easy . Destruction . One of the angry people will sneak out late at night car keys in hand and leave a large scratch along the whole side of the other person 's car . But the other person plots revenge . The following night that person sneaks out late with knife in hand . All four tires are slashed and ruined . Hee hee hee . That will fix them . Mama is mad at Papa because he came home late several nights this week . Instead of talking to each other and reaching a compromise they sit and fume . So Mama slams things around the house . Papa stays out late to avoid the situation . I saved the strangest for last . We knew a couple who were normally very much in love . . . sickeningly so at times . But when they fought . . . Oh my . A baseball bat or a steel rod was all they needed . A quick trip outside . Bang into the windshield of the car . Then knock out all the lights . The back window was demolished . Then the side windows were smashed . When the person who left came home they would make up and be all lovey - dovey again . And the rest of us would sit and laugh as the husband would go buy the parts needed to repair the car . Then it would happen all over again . It is also true however that if you trace far enough back you are probably related to most people . In less populated areas , more rural areas the relationships may be more prevalent . Also in cases of royalty throughout the world intermarriages were used to keep pure lines and to cement alliances . So the jokes do have a foundation . When my sister moved to another state to be with the father of her sons they lived on a hill that was named after his family . They had owned it at one time way back in time . Everyone who lived on the hill was closely related . The boys came to know that side of their family quickly and they enjoyed it . I told you previously how their father had not always been present in their lives . My father , their grandfather , was the first male role model for the oldest one . He died before the second was born . My husband sort of stepped in and we had the boys at our house often . Then my husband was out of the picture . My oldest son stepped up . He enjoyed spending time with the boys and they looked up to him . He has been a huge influence in their lives . It was a joke in the family for a long time . Even when the older nephew married it was to the cousin of the mother of his first son . It is truly a small worls . As they got older the boys came to know their sisters . As I told you their father had married and had several daughters . The younger nephew is closer and stays in contact more often with the girls . One day one of his sisters called . She met a new girl at school on the playground . They were teenagers so they were just hanging around . They instantly liked each other . When the new girl mentioned her last name the sister 's ears perked up . That was her last name too . She cautiously asked what the girl 's father 's name was . It was the same as her father . As a matter of fact it was her father . A conference telephone call with the father only knowing that he was talking to the sister was arranged . She informed him that she had met another of his children . After a bit of hemming and hawing he owned up to being the other girl 's father . Who knows how many siblings there are ? I do not think the father even knows . It is a funny joke that is so sad . But we have a lot of humorous discussions about " Every time I meet somebody it 's my cousin . " My son is very personable . He is one of those people that other people are automatically drawn to and like . There have been several of those in my family so perhaps it is genetic . He quickly built up a loyal client base . He was to assess needs and suggest products for the client . He also handled problems with products previously purchased . Most of the time he was able to resolve the problem in a timely manner and satisfy the customer . Now I did not raise stupid people so my son did the right thing . He happily shouldered whatever load that man gave him . The clients were happy , the other salesman was smug , and my son learned a great deal . My son was also the one who knew what was going on and was able to answer all the questions about anything to do with sales . The part of the job that my son did not like was the travel that was occasionally required . Going to another state and spending several days or a week took him away from his family . He is an extremely devoted family man . Germany was a place they went to often . A lot of businesses in the United States have subsidiaries or other relationships with companies in Europe , especially Germany . My son liked Germany but he says it is different in many ways . His fellow salesman was one of those people who give Americans a bad reputation around the world . He was one of those people who would loudly proclaim that he was an American and then he would expect priority treatment even while he was being rude . My son would just shake his head in embarrassment . Another thing the other salesman liked to do when he was away from home and his family was to visit those places that have " friendly " women . You know the ones . They accept money for " companionship " for a short time . My son says he never participated and I believe him . He is a very moral person and he would not do anything to hurt his family or have them think less of him . On one occasion the man visited one of " those " places . My son amused himself by wandering around the area and looking at the sights . He liked to see how people lived . Suddenly there was a commotion . My son looked up to see the other salesman standing at the street screaming at the top of his lungs . He was accusing the woman he had been with of stealing the envelope containing his expense money . My son managed to extricate the man from the area . The man did not want to calm down and at the same time he was terrified that his wife would find out that he had lost all that money when he had to call her for more . My son pulled the envelope from his pocket and showed the man . He had given it to my son for safe keeping and forgot what he had done . The man liked to drink a bit too . He had drunk too much and they would be traveling the Autobahn so my son was driving . My son does not like the speeds people drive on the Autobahn because he distrusts other drivers ' abilities to maintain control . So while my son was driving slower than most of the drivers he was still going at a pretty good clip . The other salesman decided to get out of the car . . . while it was moving on the Autobahn ! My son was able to pull the car over and stop . He reached over and closed the car door and settled the other salesman down . The rest of the journey was uneventful . As salesman they were expected to look presentable at all times . My son would ask for an iron to press his clothes before he hung them in the hotel . It took a little while at the beginning but then he could enjoy himself . The other salesman used a trick many of us know . A little steam from the shower will relax wrinkles from a suit on a hanger . So he turned on the hot water in the shower and hung his suit in the bathroom . He and my son went to get something to eat . My son says that restaurant meals are not rushed . It was more than an hour before they made it back to the hotel rooms . My son was ready for bed . But there was a frantic knock on his door . The other salesman was beside himself . When he went into his room there was water everywhere . The hot water from his shower had melted plastic in the water lines and water was spraying all over . What should he do ? My son called the front desk and told them that the other room was spraying water everywhere . They immediately sent someone to fix the problem . The other salesman was given a different room . Before the repairman made it up to the room the wet plaster in the walls collapsed . Bathroom fixtures were on the floor . The room was demolished completely . You will be pleased to know that the other salesman graciously accepted the apologies of management for any inconvenience . ( Yes I am being sarcastic . ) The one time my son went to France he was disappointed . He could not understand why the sidewalks were so full of mud . Until he realized it was not mud that covered everything . Apparently no one feels the need to clean up after dogs are walked . He visited England several times . He liked it there . He was able to take a lot of pictures . The guards at Buckingham Palace were friendly . They posed for pictures with him and even took a few for him so he could be in the shots . I thought they were supposed to be totally aloof . My son gave up the job of salesman . He just did not like being away from his family . It was a good choice for him . He now has a job that pays far more money and he is home every night . Now that he has three granddaughters he is even more happy to be there with them . I am not young . Of course neither am I old . But as all older folks delight in saying things certainly have changed since I was a child . Some changes have made life much easier . And as I may have mentioned in passing I really like indoor plumbing . . . no more outhouses for me . But I digress . Fast food was a thing of the future then . Cake mixes were not used . We started with flour and all the other necessary ingredients and made our cakes from scratch . The frosting for the cake was also made from scratch using a bit of butter , confectioner 's sugar , vanilla , and water or milk . Ready made cereal was too expensive for a large family like ours . Oatmeal , cream of wheat , cream of rice , and corn meal mush were the norm . I usually got up before the rest of the kids because I went to a different school ( I was older ) so I made breakfast enough for all of us . Then Mom could get a few minutes extra sleep . She had babies to take care of during the night . There were no tubes of cookie dough to slice and bake . We mixed the ingredients and spooned them onto cookie sheets for snacks . Yum . We could make whatever kind of cookies we wanted to . Every home had plenty of eggs , butter , flour , and sugar . They were what was used in every day cooking . One of our favorite snacks was what we called bread - and - sugar . We just took a slice of bread and dipped it into sugar . If we had fresh cream we would spread the bread with that first . It was our favorite treat and so easy to make . In the evening when we watched TV it was good to have a snack . One of our favorites was fudge and popcorn . We said it as one word because we felt they went together so well . Of course fudge was a process . You had to mix the cocoa , sugar , butter , and vanilla with water . Then you had to cook it to just the right consistency . When you dropped one drop of fudge into cold water and it made a soft but definite ball it was done cooking . Then you had took stir it continuously until it hardened . Then pour it into a cake pan and it was ready to cut into pieces to eat . This was also before microwave popcorn . It was even before Jiffy Pop . To make popcorn we heated a bit of lard in a pan until it was very hot . Then we put the popcorn kernels in the pan , placed a lid on top of the pan . Holding the lid in place and shaking the pan over the heat until the corn was done popping could be tiring for your arms but it was worth it . A little salt and Voila there was popcorn to go with the fudge . One year Daddy decided we could save a lot of money and have some good family fun by shelling our own popcorn . He bought a couple of bushels of popcorn on the cob . We made a night of it . We all had containers to hold the kernels of popcorn that we removed from the cobs . All we had to do was hold the cob and use our thumbs to push the kernels off . I had a blister at the end of the night that I remember as being almost as big as my thumb . Maybe a bit of an exaggeration but it did hurt and it was big . She kept playing with the recipe until she had the best cookie bars ever . We all wanted to learn how to make them . She always said she had too much to do right then but next time she would show us . Next tiem there was another excuse . My sister was helping Mom make Christmas cookies once and Mom was making her specialty . She had a recipe written . My sister sort of glanced over Mom 's shoulder and Mom quickly closed her cookbook . My mother died without ever sharing her recipe . And the recipe has never been found . We have all tried to make those cookie bars but they are never quite right . And somewhere my generous , giving , unselfish mother has a sly grin on her face . Another fun family event was making taffy . It is another candy that needs to be cooked until the ball is the right consistency . Then we would put butter on our clean hands and as soon as the candy was cool enough to handle we would pull it . My granddaughter wanted to make rock candy . I remembered those science classes where we used strings to collect crystals of candy and make strings of candy . I was not looking forward to it . Then I found a recipe online that solved the problem . We make the mixture of sugar , light corn syrup , and water . It is cooked until it reaches the hard rock stage . I use a candy thermometer now because it is so much easier than testing for the right consistency . When it is ready we add whatever flavoring and colors we want and stir them in quickly . Then we pour it into a cookie sheet sprinkled with powdered sugar . It takes no time at all before it is ready to break into small pieces . It is the best hard candy ever . When I was pregnant with my first baby my husband was working as an assistant candymaker . He enjoyed that job and was anxious to show off his new talents . He was going to make peanut brittle . Armed with wet towels , spatulas , trowels , chisels , and several friends it took us hours to remove the peanut brittle from the table . If I make a cake which is seldom these days I use a cake mix . It is easier and to be quite honest it is cheaper . But they do not have quite the same taste as the ones from scratch . |
This morning we did some school before heading to the airport . We are school maniacs , now that the number of lessons remaining is in the single digits , we 're all excited about finishing up and sending those big heavy books home . We drove half an hour to the airport and boarded a helicopter around 1pm for a thirty minute flight to Heron Island . There are no day - trips to Heron Island , and only one resort , I looked forward to this secluded environment . We 've heard it 's one of the best places to snorkel on the Great Barrier Reef , you can walk right off the beach and start snorkeling on the coral , and it is the season when turtle hatchlings make their way to the ocean across the beach after dark . Clay was dismayed to find out the battery on the camera had gone dead , and we couldn 't find the extra one in the backpack so we had to make the flight with no pictures . I think he squeezed one out of the last remaining juice . We each wore headsets with little microphones so we could all hear each other and the pilot could talk to us about what we were seeing . Benji kept saying stuff to Nate , or Nate to Benji , that all the rest of us could hear clear as day in our headsets . Things like , " Hey Nate , can you hear me ? " and then Nate would reply " Yeah , I can hear you , can you hear me ? " and Benji would say , " What ? " and Nate would say , " I said , can you hear me , " . . . those kinds of conversations , interspersed with information the pilot would share . I wondered how many times the person who wore my headset before me sneezed , coughed , and licked my microphone . The pilot instructed us to keep these microphones close to our lips or they wouldn 't work . I just didn 't talk . We saw some amazing things from the air , the coral reef is marked by bright , turquoise water , and sometimes by islands . Flying low over the coral reefs , we saw giant tortoises swimming , paddling with their big flippers . The water was so clear , it was hard to tell if the sand we were seeing was actually covered with water or exposed . Too soon , we arrived on our tiny island , our little home for the next four nights . I read before we arrived that we could walk around the entire island in thirty minutes . I couldn 't wait to try . After touching down we took off the lifejackets we had been required to wear and checked into the hotel . We noticed lots of little black birds with white heads , they are called black noddies . There were hundreds of them , all roosting in the trees . The island was chock full of lush green trees . Some of the most interesting were the one with exposed roots that looked like stilts . As we walked to the main office , I kept expecting to be hit by bird poo . Those white heads on the birds , they were just camouflage to conceal the poop they 'd gotten on each other as they dodged around . The air was raucous with their cries , accompanied by sea gulls and others . Our hostess informed us we had arrived during the peak bird season on Heron Island , we 'd find ear plugs in our rooms if it just got to be too much for us . She also warned us about the mutton bird that might be heard at night , sounding just like a baby 's cry . We had two rooms , and enjoyed spreading out and claiming our own spaces for the next few days . We marveled at the bathrooms in our rooms , it 's funny how soon you become used to something . Community bathrooms seem like the norm these days after staying in all those campervan parks , and bathrooms in our rooms seemed like a real luxury . The resort is " key - free " , there are no keys to rooms . There is also no air - conditioning , just windows that open to the ocean and ceiling fans . This works just fine , it is very comfortable and there don 't seem to be any bugs . Maybe the birds eat them all . There sure are a lot of birds . I found the ear plugs , just in case we wanted them for later . We tried to get some lunch in the restaurant , but apparently 2 : 30 is too late for lunch . We settled for some ice cream , the kids were thrilled . After picking up some flippers at the marine center , we headed to the beach . We were told the best snorkeling wouldn 't happen until 5pm , high tide , so we decided to walk around the beach and see what we could see . The sand was hard on the feet , consisting of broken bits of coral and shell , but up higher on the beach it was like sugar , ground fine and powdery . We walked out into the water and stood very still , watching tiny white fish dart around our toes . It was still too shallow for snorkeling , so we wandered some more , finally completing a circle around the island . We pulled on our snorkels and fins around 5 and headed into the water for our first attempt at snorkeling with the kids . This was a complicated affair , it took a while to get everyone 's fins on and their masks to stop leaking . It reminded me of the first time we went snow skiing with the kids , with all the poles and skis and hats and masks , and one person falling down while the rest were ready to plunge ahead . We decided Clay would go out with Alayna and Nate and I would stick by Benji . Benji was a little nervous about going very far from the beach , and he stayed close to my side . We had noodles to float on so we wouldn 't have to keep putting our feet down on the reef , and Benji was so close our noodles kept hitting each other . His little mouth could hardly hold the big Thomas the Tank Engine rubber snorkel we bought at Target . Of course he doesn 't know it 's Thomas the Tank Engine , we removed all evidence before showing it to him . Thomas is for babies . His mask leaked quite a bit as well . He loved watching the fish when everything was working right , but he soon got tired . It was getting windy , the waves were getting rougher , and he was cold . We went in before seeing anything very spectacular . I 'm hoping he 'll get a little braver as the days go by for his sake , we 've really built up snorkeling on the reef to the kids , telling them it 's like swimming in an aquarium . Benji and I ducked into the room , which was maybe twenty steps from our spot on the beach , to take a warm shower , while Clay and the other two stayed out a while longer . When they came back about a half hour later , Nate was yelling about the sharks they 'd seen ! Sure enough , they 'd seen two sharks . A grey reef shark and a black tipped reef shark . Alayna wasn 't quite as excited about the sharks , Clay said she got pretty scared when they saw them , and sidled right up beside him . She did tell me all about the school of fish they 'd seen , with fish each the length of her arm and lots of colorful tropical fish . I was glad they 'd had a good first experience . We had a dinner that I didn 't cook in the campervan , but it was still pretty good . As the sun went down , we headed to the beach to see if we 'd spy any little hatchlings making their way to the ocean . I 'd read all about the process , how a clutch can hold up to 120 eggs , that the temperature of the sand determines the sex of the babies , that they would emerge around dusk when the sand cooled off , their signal that night had arrived and they would be safer from their predators as they made the scary journey across the sand . I 'd read how they 'd all make a break for it at once , all 120 racing across the sand at the same time . They might be hard to see if it was fully dark outside , and we weren 't allowed to use flashlights or take flash photography since the lights mixed the babies up and they wouldn 't make it to the ocean . We began to walk , the sun had just set and the horizon was orange behind us . Stars began to come out as we walked , keeping our eyes peeled . We saw , in the distance , a flash bulb . Someone was taking pictures . Of what ? We hurried to their spot , in time to see a mother turtle dragging herself up the beach and into the vegetation . I don 't know if she was laying eggs , or just bedding down for the night . Heron Island harbors many resident turtles , as well as the migrants that just come here to the lay their eggs . We marveled at her size for a while , until it got too dark to really see her anymore . There are pictures in the office and restaurant of Heron Island back in the 50 's , when it was a big resort and people would come over and get their picture taken on the back of one of these huge tortoises . It 's no longer allowed . We wandered some more , but no luck this night . No little hatchlings . But we still have three more nights to try , and it 's always nice to walk on the beach at night , turtle or not . There are very few lights on the island , since they confuse the turtles , and the stars were brilliant and plentiful in the clear night sky . As we were reading to the kids in bed later , an eerie cry came from the windows . It was the mutton bird , and it really did sound like a baby . It was a creepy sound , Benji asked if I would sleep with him awhile . We all said our goodnights , and I laid my head next to Benji 's on his pillow . I fell asleep listening to all those birds , but woke up minutes later to go back to my own room . We have no internet access . Clay 's blackberry gets no coverage . No TV . No telephone . Just birds and stars and the ocean outside to keep us entertained . This is my kind of place . Wednesday , 5 March 2008 We woke up this morning to the sound of the crying baby bird , interspersed with squawking , tweeting , cawing and general bird merriment . They were up much too early , but there was no falling back asleep so we greeted the day and went to breakfast . Alayna told us about her shark dream . She said she woke up and thought her bed was the sea , the pillows were coral , she was thrashing and feeling her way around , terrified . Poor girl , I guess we can 't blame her for being a little concerned about being in the water with sharks . Clay was able to go on the first dive , which left at 9 . He was very lucky , there are people that have been here for four days and haven 't gone on a dive yet . The resort offers three dives a day , but if the weather isn 't good , including too windy , they call them off . It 's been sunny and warm for days , but too windy to dive . I felt terrible for the people who had traveled to Heron Island to dive on the Great Barrier Reef , that hadn 't had the chance to try . Clay had a great dive , his first real dive since he got certified in Austin . He saw sharks and lots of tropical fish and colorful coral . He went down 58 feet , was under the water for 41 minutes . There were no real mishaps , other than he attached his regulator to an oxygen tank that was still bungeed to the boat . Minutes before they were all supposed to dive off , he realized his error and had to undo everything . No big deal , he was able to join the others and used his air wisely so he could stay down the entire dive . As a new diver , he thought he might use up his air too fast and not be able to make it to the end . While Clay went on his dive , I attempted to take the kids snorkeling . Big mistake . After slathering everyone with sunscreen , a chore in itself , we began the process . The gear is ridiculous . Each of us had two rubber fins , a mask and snorkel , a towel , and a noodle to float on , in addition to the shoes everyone wanted to remove once we reached the beach . " We should have left those behind , guys , " I moaned , as we tried to pick our way across the high tide beach , which left us very little room to walk between the water and the thick vegetation . Clay had met someone earlier in the morning who told him about the best place to snorkel , we made our way as far as we could toward this wonder spot and dropped everything . As we stumbled along , we noticed lots of little clear jellyfish deposited on the beach . Lovely . Where we dropped our stuff , there was a long line of black rocks in the water , but I figured we could just plop down on our tummies and scoot right over them , or just flipper our way across them and then begin our snorkel . It was a chore , getting everyone 's mask to fit right again , they had all shifted during the night and nothing fit anymore . I sent Nate and Alayna out to wait for us in the water , while I wrestled with Benji 's mask and snorkel . Benji was having a hard time getting the large snorkel mouthpiece to fit in his mouth , his snaggle kept getting snagged and his lips just weren 't big enough to hold it in . Alayna and Nate started complaining that the waves were buffeting them too much , the rocks were scraping them up , it was cold , there were jellyfish everywhere . So , we packed it all up and moved a few feet down the beach to where there was a little channel to swim through the rocks out into deeper water . We tried again , but alas , that rubber piece just wouldn 't stay in Benji 's mouth . He would get it in there , and then it would just pop right out of his lips . Our precious mid - tide - perfect - snorkeling time was escaping us . I gave up . We gathered all our stuff , dropped it off on the back porch of the kid 's room , and headed to the marine center to buy Benji a better snorkel . I found one that seemed like it would work , it was not a Thomas the Tank Engine and cost resort prices , but it was the just the right price for snorkeling hassle free . I would have been willing to pay three times as much to get Benji out into that turquoise blue , aquarium ocean . We stopped on the deck of the bar , where lounge chairs and a giant chess set were calling our name . While the kids played chess , I lingered at the rail and watched the clear water below me . I saw a shark , then another , go swimming stealthily by . I began to feel really sorry for myself . Then I realized , I have a twelve year old daughter who can watch the boys . Lots of people were snorkeling out in front of where we were , it was the place the woman had told Clay about . I discovered a staircase that led right to the ocean , no hiking down the high tide beach . I asked , no , I told Alayna , to watch the boys for a little bit . I was going snorkeling . I hopped down the steps , got my snorkel on first try , slipped on my flippers without complaining when they pinched my toes , and made my awkward way into the ocean . As I waded out , someone up above who could see from a better perspective , told me where to swim to find a turtle . I plopped on my tummy and kicked my fins hard . I found it . A big , beautiful brown turtle with patterns on her back was eating moss off a rock , tearing it off with her teeth . She paid me no attention , flapping her flippers and finding the best grazing . I saw dozens of colorful fish , darting in and out of the incredible coral , and I saw a shark . I was in snorkeling hog heaven . I popped my head up every few minutes , I had told Nate when he finished his chess game I would take him out with me . Benji wanted to try out his new snorkel , too , but I learned my lesson . One kid at a time . Alayna had no interest in snorkeling with sharks again , she passed . When I saw Nate I swam in , helped him get situated , and we headed out together , side by side . We saw amazing fish and some more sharks . I never thought I would be saying I went swimming with sharks without panicking , but it wasn 't scary like I thought . The sharks would glide in and out of our field of vision , hazy and gray and stealthy - looking , but not aggressive . Most of them were about three to four feet long , big but not too big . Surely all those other snorkelers wouldn 't be out there if the sharks were dangerous . It 's okay if everyone else is doing , that 's what we always say . Kidding . But the sharks didn 't bother me , I hoped Alayna would get over her phobia before our trip was up . We snorkeled for another twenty minutes or so , then we were both tired and ready for a break . Clay came back from his dive , and he got suited up with Benji to try out the new snorkel . By this time the tide was really low , Benji stuck his head in the water while Clay just waded around pulling the noodle that Benji was hugging . They didn 't see much , but we confirmed that Benji 's snorkel now stayed in his snaggly mouth . Next time would be better . In the afternoon we hung out in the room , I was taking a cat nap on the couch while the kids read and played legos , when all of a sudden everyone was up and out the door . " Baby turtles ! " I heard Clay shout through my dream state . I jumped off the couch and was out the door in two seconds , running down the beach after the kids , headed to where a group of people were gathered . There are strict rules on Heron Island , you are not to interfere with nature . You can 't help a baby turtle that is struggling to get out to sea . It is a nature sin . Just as I arrived , a grown man who must have known better picked up the baby turtle that was stuck behind a bank of black rocks ( the same rocks that had given us trouble earlier that morning ) , and gently placed it in the ocean on the other side . The little guy paddled quickly out to sea , his flippers fiercely propelling him . A woman was standing above the nest , keeping watch for any more heads poking up from the sand . It was an unusual time of day for the hatchlings to appear , they usually come out after dark . Clay had come out a few minutes earlier to check the tide levels and sounded the baby turtle alarm . He ran up with his camera , and captured another baby turtle as it struggled across the sand towards the ocean . We witnessed two more baby turtles poke their head out of the sand , rest a while , then heave their bodies up and over the beach , which must have looked like an enormous desert . They knew exactly where they were going , they all headed straight to the water . Because the tide was still out , the rocks were exposed and they couldn 't easily plop themselves into the water . I could understand why the man had helped the baby turtle over the obstacle . I could also understand why Clay leaped in front of an attacking sea gull as one of the turtles struggled across the sand . Nature 's way or not , you can 't stand by and watch those little guys get eaten when you can help ! A woman actually told Clay that it was ok to surround the hatchlings to shield them from the birds , but he shouldn 't wave his arms to scare the birds away . There was a lot of arm waving going on . Our audience contained about fifteen people , including two other boys about Benji 's age , and a couple of toddlers whose parents had to be extra vigilant to keep them from touching the enticing new playmates . The kids decided to build a ramp that went all the way from the nest , over the rocks , and into the ocean , then waited to see if the newest hatchling would use it . By the time the next one emerged , the ramp wasn 't needed . The tide was high enough it could just thread its way through the rocks in the water , narrowly escaping a big crab , buffeted by the little waves , but eventually finding itself at sea . While the kids waited the long minutes it took for a hatchling to actually emerge , they buried Nate in the sand . Alayna decided to make him look like an Egyptian pharaoh , she even made a staff and flail for him to hold . His entire body was covered except a small bit of his face . When they were done he busted out , shaking the sand out of his ears . His back was covered with the gritty stuff , he looked like he had rolled in sesame seeds . Clay got some great video of the baby turtles , we saw a total of four make it from nest to surf . He kept saying , " This is so incredible . We 'll never see anything like this ever again . Benji , are you remembering this ? Remember this , Benji . " It is so sad , the things he will forget . We got to dinner a little late , then headed back to the room for a little Gidget before bed . Yes , we can run Gidget off Clay 's computer , so we aren 't entirely technology - free . I fell asleep with a sense of accomplishment . Snorkel . Check . See a shark . Check . See baby turtle hatchlings . Check . We still have two more days here , two more days to see more fish and play in more sand and see more amazing things . Thursday , 6 March 2008 This morning Clay 's dive was cancelled . In fact , all three dives for the day were cancelled , due to the wind and " high seas " . The water did look choppy , I worried our snorkeling might be messed up as well . After breakfast we gathered all our things and headed to The Gantry , the place I had snorkeled yesterday afternoon . It is a haven for rays , sharks , and lots of colorful fish and coral . It was a little rough , getting us all out in the water . The tide was high , and the wind was pushing waves into the stairs we used to get down into the water . Fins were flying and masks were leaking , but we got it all sorted out . Clay headed out with the big kids , I stayed with Benji . It was awesome , Benji got to see all sorts of cool fish for the first time . He kept pointing and looking at me , his little mouth around that big snorkel , his eyes wide , his hair waving in the water like blonde seaweed . After a while , he came up and said , " I hurt , I want to go back . " I tried to get him to tell me where he hurt . I wanted to stay out , someone said sharks and rays were in a different spot , I tried to convince Benji to stay a little longer , but he wasn 't buying it . " I hurt , " was all he could tell me . Once we got out of the water he tried to explain it , " It felt like electricity in my body . " We walked over to where Clay was with the other two kids , and they came up saying they were getting stung by the little jellyfish that were floating around . I had seen these little clear bubbles , but they seemed harmless , I hadn 't been stung . Alayna and Nate were both ready to come in , they 'd seen plenty of fish and several sharks , that was enough . Nate 's stings formed little bumps across his wrist and arm , Alayna 's stung but didn 't react . I figure that 's what happened to Benji , too . I got all the kids situated , took advantage of Alayna 's age status ( she keeps reminding us she 's now legally old enough to babysit ) , and joined Clay for some snorkeling . We had a blast , pointing out cool fish to each other , spotting sharks , taking underwater pictures of amazing fish with blue lips and purple eyes . I hope they turn out . Clay followed one shark for a long time , until he began to feel like he was irritating it . I don 't like following sharks , I like them to appear and then quickly disappear from my field of vision . Like a dream . Like , did I really see that ? The boys played in the pool awhile , hitting each other with their swim noodles , great fun . They 'd smack each other and the boys they had made friends with , chasing each other all over the pool . As I watched them playing , hovering to make sure they didn 't inadvertently drown each other , I noticed Nate 's straight , white teeth . That 's when I remembered Nate 's retainer , he had wrapped it in a napkin at breakfast and I suddenly realized we 'd forgotten to take it off the table . I ran to the dining room , where they were setting up lunch , and asking if they had seen a retainer . I figured it had been thrown away with the napkin , and sure enough , there was no retainer lying around . We 've had that thing for the last seven months , we 're hoping Nate 's teeth are in place well enough to stay put a few months until we get home again . After lunch , we did some school ( yes , even in Heron Island , there 's school ) . Clay and I went for a run around the island . It was tough , in the beginning we had the wind in our faces and sand pelted our legs and arms . Then we hit the soft sand , our feet sank with each step and my calves burned and cried , " Stop ! " I told them to stop whining . Then we hit some hard sand , before we had to negotiate the rocks , watching our every step to make sure we didn 't twist an ankle or fall . It was a good , hard run . When we got back , I sat on the kid 's back porch and read them a book . As I read , a little boy from the family next door slowly approached , coming up behind us so he could see the pictures , too . We met Reuben , his brother Lucas , and their adorable two year old sister Jillian . They all enjoyed playing with our kids , making some lego creations and jumping on the couches a while . The two boys were 5 and 7 , perfect Benji playmates . It was good timing , Nate was on the last fifty pages of the last Harry Potter book , and his eyes weren 't moving from the page , Benji was lonely . When he finished , he came dancing into our room . " Nate 's graduated from Hogwarts , " Clay declared . " I have my brother back , " sang Benji , and they did their secret brother handshake . Alayna was excited because now she doesn 't have to share it with Nate , she has been re - reading it . The first time she was half asleep for most of the book . She got it at midnight last summer when it first came out , and stayed up almost all night reading it . While the boys played , I went for a short hike on the forested part of the island . I never saw another person , just some dead birds on the path , heaps of live birds , and some spooky paths . It would have been a great opening for a horror movie . Sweaty girl in running clothes goes creeping through the shadows of a dense forest . Birds call a warning all around her , but she pays no heed . She goes deeper , vines grab at her feet , it begins to rain . Still , she presses onwards . Only I turned around before I got to the beach that the trail promised I would eventually find , it was raining too hard and I was creeping myself out . The rain ended as quickly as it started and the rest of the day was dry . Clay and I visited with the parents of the kids from next door , they are a Swiss family currently living in Sydney . We talked about school in Australia , how to raise kids who speak both English and German , and what we 'd experienced on Heron . They were a nice couple , the wife cracked me up when she was hurrying her kids to get ready for dinner and she said , " Shnell , Shnell ! " That is this archetypal German word for " hurry " in my head , I must have heard it in a movie or something . We ate dinner , ate too much dessert off the buffet , tucked the kids into bed , and tucked ourselves into bed . The birds ' singing is beginning to turn into " normal " , I hardly notice it anymore . I have a strange urge to drop to my knees and sweep the sand on our floor into a little pile , but there is no broom in our room . I pat my stomach , remembering the dessert we had for dinner , and lunch , but then remembering that really hard run . No worries . We were woken once again by the crying baby birds at 5am , I 'm beginning to think there are entirely too many birds on this island . At breakfast this morning , a gigantic grasshopper , maybe three inches long , landed on Benji 's shirt . Then it flew over and landed on me while I was holding Benji 's breakfast plate . I flung a sausage on the floor , trying to get it off me , and Benji was squealing . It 's an uncomfortable feeling , holding a plate of food and having a large insect land on you . Clay went on a dive at 9 , and when he got back we all went snorkeling . Benji finally saw his shark and rays , he was spluttering as Clay helped him up from the beach , trying to tell us all about what he 'd seen . The boys played wild in the resort pool awhile when we were done snorkeling , while Alayna read the Harry Potter . They flailed each other , and those around them , with their swim noodles until I made them stop . I spoil all the fun . Then they rode them around like sea horses in the pool , creating a complicated game with a never - ending plot . Clay and I lounged on deck chairs and stared out at the ocean . We saw some epaulet sharks swim near to shore . We saw a group of rays and Clay hurried to pull on his fins and mask and snorkel after them . He got a good , long look at a big eagle ray . It was a lazy afternoon , we ate a late lunch , then decided to do a reef walk with one of the guides on the island . We were joined by at least twenty others , the afternoon dive had been cancelled so there were lots of takers . After donning our close - toed shoes so we wouldn 't scrape up our feet on the coral , and grabbing a " sea scope " , we had science on the Great Barrier Reef . A sea scope looks like a cheerleader 's megaphone with a plastic shield over the wide end , and can be thrust under the water to get a closer look at coral beneath the ripples of the water . Nate enjoyed shoving his underwater and filling it with water , then slowly pulling it up from the narrow end and watching a giant air bubble rise towards the plastic shield . It made a satisfying shloop sound that made people turn and stare , one of Nate 's favorite things to do . We learned all about the coral and creatures just off the shore . It was fun to actually touch things , after reading so many things that say " don 't touch " and " don 't disturb the natural habitat " . If you come across a baby turtle in peril , leave it alone . Don 't touch the coral , it could scrape you up , and you could kill it . The guide picked up big , black sea cucumbers , which we 'd noticed before but refrained from touching . They looked like big , black worms . I never knew there were so many varieties of sea cucumbers . Several of them secreted different colored inks , turning those who touched it pink or black for a while . One actually shot out its innards in sticky ropes , intended to ensnare an attacking fish . It coated our guide 's hand with these sticky threads , and she kindly offered to let anyone who wanted to touch them . It looked like she had blown her nose all over her hand , I passed . We saw a small epaulet shark glide over the top of the coral . We learned that clams don 't actually open and close their shells , that the animal inside just moves in or out depending on how safe it feels . We saw a coral that had its polyps out feeding ( most coral doesn 't feed until night ) , and when we touched them they all sucked back in . The guide fished a little green sea crab out of a tuft of green waving on the coral and passed it around for everyone to admire . She cautioned that it was very territorial , and must be put back in the same patch of green . If it wasn 't , it might encounter another territorial green crab and be challenged and possibly killed . We picked up starfish and touched their hard backs , watching the tiny little suckers on the bottom side ( which is actually the top side because that 's where the mouth is ) come in and out . The boys started looking red in the shoulders so we cut our two hour reef walk short , but we learned plenty . I hope I can keep it all in my memory bank , it was fascinating . We sloshed our way back through the shallow water to shore , getting distracted by all sorts of interesting things on the way back in . A big fat sea cucumber that Nate wanted to pick up , some more coral polyps to touch , a bright orange coral to investigate . We were able to get everyone in before they burned , it was another good day . I think we 've taken our snorkeling experiences for granted . The crystal clear waters in the late morning sunshine , spotting sharks from thirty feet away . All the colors of the rainbow , yellows and blues and oranges and purples , swimming around the coral . This morning , Clay and I tried to snorkel one last time before we had to pack up the room and leave . It was high tide , and the water was so murky we couldn 't see a thing . The sand was all stirred up , the water was really cold next to the shore , we went to our shark and ray spotting place and saw only swirling sand underwater . We tried the coral and found the same , lumpy gray figures that must have been coral below us , and occasionally a shadow of a fish . We were so fortunate to have so many amazing experiences snorkeling , and for Clay , diving . We had to be out of our room by 10 , but the helicopter that would take us back to Gladstone and our campervan wouldn 't be there until 1 . We hung out in the lounge , did homework with the kids , hung our wet swimsuits on a deck chair to dry in the sun , and watched the first half of Finding Nemo with other people waiting to leave the island . The ride back to the shore was beautiful , the waters near the coral reefs became light blue and turquoise , we passed one reef that was actually a lagoon with an amazingly light blue center . We saw rays and turtles from the sky , and imagined what it must be like to see a whale spouting . It 's not whale season , but it must be spectacular . Our time on Heron Island was beautiful , and seeing it from the sky , a tiny little island in that great big ocean , made me miss it already . Maybe someday we 'll come back . . . |
Last night we had a small party at my house . Emily and I had been planning for a long time to make sweet rice for my family because it 's kind of similar to bouillie , and we thought it would be fun . We finally decided to do it last night because Emily is leaving in a few days . We got all the stuff together , and we invited lots of people . It ended up being Sarah , Jason , Stefan , some of the kids from Jason 's family , my whole family , Emily , me , and two random visitors who are staying at my house right now . I never realized how much work it takes to make rice here . Before Emily came over , I started sifting the rice and picking out all the bad pieces and the little rocks . It took a long , long time , and thankfully , Jason and Emily came and helped wash the rice after it had been sorted . Then we put it on the charcoal fire to boil . While the rice was cooking , a bunch of the guys played Uno , and Sarah , Emily , and I played with puzzles with the kids . It was really fun just to play and talk with all the kids . Emily kept talking to my kids in Nangjere ( which is funny because they don 't really speak a lot of Nangjere ) and saying , " Do you want problems ? Come here , fight me . " Her family has taught her how to say some really funny things . . . Then Emily and I seasoned the rice , and dished it out . There was a lot of rice . We served up one huge bowl to the six guys , one bowl to Sarah and the little kids , and then Emily , Berthe , Ruth , Pidi ( 13 year old from Jason 's family ) , and I shared a bowl . Every once in a while , Emily an I would start talking in English , and Berthe would say , " Talk in French . We don 't understand English , and we want to know what you 're saying . " So we would translate into French , which turned out to be funny because once we had been plotting against Berthe in English . . . After rice , most of the visitors left , but Sarah and the kids from Jason 's family stayed because we had invited them to spend the night . The kids continued working on the puzzles , while Sarah and I talked to Pierre . First I asked him how he became APosted by It seems ridiculous to still be homesick after 6 months of being here , and maybe even more now than I was when I first came . But I am . This morning I was cleaning up in my hut , and I found some letters and pictures that my Mom had sent me a while back . So of course , I started looking through them . I came to a picture of my brother , Stephen , sitting on the couch with our sister - in - law , and I don 't know why but it triggered something in me , and I just wanted to go home . It made me just want to be able to sit on the couch at home with my family so close that I could touch them . After cleaning my hut , I took some time out to talk to God . As I was telling him how I felt , how much I just want to be at home , face to face with my family , I had another of those deep impressions that this is how my God feels too . It just hit me , that God 's heart aches like that to be face to face with us , for us to be so close He could reach out and touch us . Yet , as homesick as I am for home , I think being here has also made me more homesick for heaven than I ever have been before . And I think that in a way , God is homesick too . Philippians 3 : 20 This whole month I 've been scheduled on night shifts with almost the same people - - Enock , Hortance , and the third person changes from night to night . Last night I was working the night shift , and Hortance came up to me and asked , " Kristin , where are you going to sleep tonight . " I was a little confused , but I told her , that I would sleep where I always sleep - - on the floor in the first partitioned area in Urgence . " Ok , we 'll sleep together tonight ; after the midnight care , we 'll put down the blanket and sleep some , " she informed me . Now , there 's something that I should explain about Chadian culture ; in their eyes , it 's not good to be alone . Period . It 's considered one of the most awful things if you eat alone , and heaven forbid that anyone should have to sleep alone either . Midnight came , I did the meds and vital signs , and then Hortance and I went to put down the blanket and pillow that I had brought . As we walked to the partitioned area that I usually sleep in , I noticed that Felix , one of our janitors , was sleeping on the table / bed with IV fluids running . " Hortance , we can 't sleep here . Felix is here , " I protested . " No , it 's nothing . We 'll sleep here . " So , we did . We laid down on the floor and shared a blanket and pillow while Felix slept next to us on top of the table / bed . As I laid there , I felt like I was in a strange dream , and it didn 't help things that Felix had some odd , battery - operated flashlight that was blinking different colors through the night . Needless to say , I didn 't get a lot of sleep , especially because it was super hot inside . So when I woke up to check on the patients , I decided to go sleep outside on the cement benches in front of Urgence . At one point , a patient 's family member came outside and woke me up to ask me a question . I woke up so dazed ; it was pitch black ( there were no stars , no moon ) , my glasses were off , so I was blind anyway , and I couldn 't figure out where I was or what direction I should go to get back in to the hospital . I asked him to repeat his question as I put on my glPosted by Ansley had a brilliant idea a little while back . She thought it would be fun to gather a bunch of random stuff , take it to the market , and sell it all for practically nothing . It would be a true African experience , setting up shop like the African women do . Today was the day . We all put on our African dresses and filled grass baskets and a market bag with our goodies . Things ranged from little toys for kids to toothbrushes and clothes . We began our walk to the market with Jolie , Emily 's African mother . I 'm sure it was a sight : three white girls in African dresses with bags and baskets on their heads . Yes , we carried our things to sell on our heads , and did a surprisingly good job of it too . We met so many people on the way asking us in Nangjere where we were going and what we were going to do . Laughter erupted from all present , including the Nassara , when we would tell them back in Nangjere , " We 're going to the market . We 're going to sell things . " It was such a fun trip to the market , and we took some good pictures . Jolie just laughed and laughed at us as we were going along , trying desperately to balance the bags and baskets on our heads . Once we got to the market , we set the things down next door to Jolie 's little fabric shop . By this time , we had drawn quite a crowd , and I 'm not sure how it happened , but as soon as Ansley sat down on the ground with her basket of things , the crowd engulfed her as people started grabbing things out of the basket to look at and ask how much it cost . I 'm serious , Ansley practically disappeared in the swarm of people . It didn 't take long for us to realize that maybe setting up shop was not such a good idea . We were losing track of who had grabbed what , and the people were just smothering us . So we decided to pack up . We tried talking to them and asking them to back away and come one at a time , but it just wasn 't working . We took our stuff and left , rather disappointed that we wouldn 't be able to really get the full African experience of selling at the market . But once we got back tPosted by So , it finally happened . I broke the wall . I 've climbed the wall to our house so many times now that I 've lost count . It 's actually become somewhat of a tradition . But one night this week , I went to climb over , and one of the top bricks didn 't hold when I tried to pull myself up . Luckily , I missed hitting my foot with the falling brick . I felt a little awful about it , but my family wasn 't too worried about it the next day when I told them what happened . In fact , they just laughed at me . Then I asked them how to get in the back way ( why it didn 't occur to me to ask this ages ago I don 't know ) ; there 's a place in the back of our yard where random animals , mostly pigs and chickens , run through at will . So the girls took me around the outside wall and showed me the back way in , which is a little bit of a tight squeeze and comes out into the bathroom or shower . Unfortunately , there 's a very , very low - branched mango tree guarding the back way . As I ducked under it , almost on all fours crawling on the ground , I felt something scrape my back . Ow . It would be my clumsy luck that there would be a broken branch jutting out . After showing me the back way , Berthe started talking to me and said , " Oh , I forgot to tell you . A long time ago Pierre said that since you 're usually the last one in , we 'll leave the door open and you can just lock it behind you . " Again , why this solution didn 't come up a couple of months ago , I 'm not sure . Whatever . . . TIA . So thus ends my criminal days of breaking into our house instead of entering through the gate . What a day . I worked the night shift Saturday night , and then left a little bit early from work to go to Lai . Emily , Ansley , Caroline , and I all decided to go to Lai to visit another missionary friend of ours , Arlo , who 's working with some Evangelical missionaries . We decided to go to their church and then spend some time with Arlo and the family he lives with . It was a pretty uneventful clando drive to Lai , but once we got to the river , things started to get interesting . There are little dugout canoes that ferry people across the river for a small price , but since it 's the dry season , the water has gone down drastically . So , we had decided beforehand that we were going to walk across . Perhaps a little bit crazy , but you only live once , right ? We watched one man coming across from the other side , and were hopeful at first , until we realized that he was pretty tall , and the water was probably up to his chest in some places . We decided to go for it anyway , and all the men up on the half - constructed bridge started protesting . " What are you doing ? Don 't you want a boat ? You can 't walk across ! " We smiled , laughed , and assured him that we were going to walk across . When they realized that we were not changing our minds , they told us , " Go further up , it 's not as deep . " We thanked them and took their advice . Ansley and I began wading across the river with bags on top of our heads to keep the contents from getting wet . Not too long after , I was up to my chin in water , standing on my tip - toes , and coming real close to being swept away in the current . We turned around and decided to go even further upstream . We struck out again , with much laughter and a good amount of confidence that we would get across this river walking . At one point , some of the canoe drivers started rowing toward us to come to our rescue , but we kindly refused his help . Finally , we found a good route that seemed promising . It was then that Caroline lost her flip - flop . It started floating ever - so - swiftly downstream . So I ran ( as well as one can run in watPosted by Man , with the blogs and emails that I 've been writing recently , I 'm afraid that people might think that I 'm just miserable , which is not the case . But something just happened , and I really felt the need to get away and to tell someone . I just told Emily , but I think if I write it down I 'll feel a little better , and maybe I can move on with the rest of the night shift . It 's Sabbath , and I 'm working the night shift in pediatrics . Jason had just given me report and left , and I was sitting down at the desk to write a patient in the register ( we keep track in a book of who comes in , what their illness is , and whether they get better or not ) . All of a sudden , I hear wailing , loud , unchecked wailing . Immediately , I knew that a baby had died . I ran around the corner from the desk into the ward , and I saw a crowd of people gathering around a bed and weeping . Sure enough , there was an 18 month old baby lying breathless in its mother 's arms . I felt to make sure that there was no pulse and no respirations , and as I raised my eyes , I saw the mother 's face - - eyes red , tears just streaming down her face - - and something in me just broke . I cried silently as I took out the baby 's IV while the mother held her baby 's eyes closed . She was a baby I had admitted in the emergency room yesterday , and when I saw her , I knew that they had waited too long , that she probably wouldn 't make it . She was so malnourished , and I could see in her eyes that she was just tired of fighting . As I left the ward , the family carried the baby out , and I listened as the wailing got more distant . I sat at the desk and cried a little longer , not sure why it bothered me so much . Two of the nurses I 'm working with tonight had come in to hear what all the wailing was about , and they had watched me take the IV out . Once I was finished they left and went outside . I saw them not five minutes later , sitting outside on a bench talking and laughing with some other people , and I 'm not sure why , but it just made me feel so upset . I hate that when someone dies , everyone Posted by Do you ever feel like the world 's falling apart ? Maybe not necessarily just your world , but the world . That 's sort of how I feel at the moment . A while back I got news that one of my nursing classmates was in a pretty bad skiing accident . She was in the ICU on a ventilator for a while , and I know that she was getting better last I heard , but that was a while ago . Toward the beginning of my time here in Africa , I was told about someone I had known who was diagnosed with cancer that had spread all throughout her body . She was in her twenties , fairly recently married , and was a missionary in Korea with her husband . She died a few months after being diagnosed . Last night I got to talk to my mother on the phone , and she told me that one of my cousin 's wife just died unexpectedly last Thursday . She was in her thirties and had two kids , and one of them found her in the morning and couldn 't wake her up . On top of that , the baby that I named died last night also . She had many health problems from the time she was born , so it wasn 't completely unexpected , but it was sad nonetheless . Two of my friends just recently lost their grandfather unexpectedly . The list goes on . I know that people say this all the time , but I really don 't think that this world can last much longer . I recently read through Isaiah for my devotions , and the other day I read one of the most comforting verses . I can 't remember exactly what it says and my Bible is in my hut at the moment , but I think it was in Isaiah 57 , maybe verses 1 - 3 . . . Anyway , it basically says that when the righteous die , it 's one way that God is sparing them from evil . After reading that , I couldn 't help but think , " Maybe God is starting to take people out of this world to spare them from what 's about to come . " Perhaps that combined with the fact that Satan knows his days are numbered and they 're drawing to a close , so he 's attacking for all he 's worth . Either way , I can 't help but think that time is short , and praise God for that . I 'm tired of seeing people in pain . I 'm tired of watPosted by It 's starting to get really hot again . One morning , at 8 : 30 , the thermostat outside the middle house read 80 degrees , and that was in the shade . You can imagine in the middle of the afternoon out in the sun how hot it is . And this is only the start . . . One thing that 's nice about it warming up though is that we have a lot more motivation to go to the river . Swimming is so much more fun when it 's actually hot outside . So two Sabbaths ago , James and Sarah decided that we were going to make a big trip to the river with a bunch of the neighbor kids . Sarah , Jason , and Stefan took the horses and a few kids with them , and the rest of us piled into the van . It was insane . We counted how many people were in the van - - 10 in the front ( 5 adults and 5 kids ) and 17 in the back . I sat in the back with one of our chaplain 's kids on my lap , and man was it hot . And bumpy . Thankfully it was a fairly short trip . I had so much fun at the river ; it was probably the best trip I 've had there . At first , Ansley and I were playing with a bunch of the younger kids who can 't swim and were sort of afraid of the water . Then kids started asking me to ferry them across the river , which was kind of funny because the river is now so low that most of them could probably walk across themselves . There 's just one spot that 's maybe a little too deep for some of the younger ones . James had brought a frisbee , and at first people were just throwing it around , but then James decided that he wanted to play ultimate frisbee . It was so much fun . If you 've ever played football in knee - deep snow , ultimate frisbee in knee - deep to waist - deep water is very similar . It 's amazing how difficult it is to run in water , but diving for the frisbee is much easier in water than on ground . My legs were so very sore from running in water . Anyway , the whole day was a blast , and afterward Ted , Ansley , and I walked home while the van took everyone else back . We had a nice long walk and some good conversations . Yet another great Sabbath in Chad . So . Last Monday I tested positive for malaria . I tried Nim tea to cure it on Tuesday . It didn 't work . After talking to Gary and Wendy , I upped the dose and took more concentrated Nim tea on Thursday . I felt pretty good on Friday , but by Friday night I was kind of miserable . All weekend long I went back and forth between feeling sort of bad and feeling fine , so I finally decided to get tested again today . Before , I had 0 . 05 % malaria . Today it was 0 . 10 % . From this I have learned several things : 1 . Nim tea does not work to treat malaria for me , but I have a theory about what it does do . Maybe I 'll explain later . 2 . Don 't experiment with treatments for malaria . Just take Quinine and get it over with . 3 . Malaria is one sneaky little parasite . It 's kind of like playing peek - a - boo with a pathogen . February 5 , 2009 I walked around the corner to the benches outside the lab . My eyes were met by a thin , but strong Arab woman with a large , gold nose ring sitting on the bench , squeezing a stress ball as the blood flowed from her arm into a blood bag . I smiled at her , and she smiled back at me , not at all shyly . But when I sat down next to her , her smile was replaced by a look of slight shock . She motioned to the needle in her arm and then pointed to me as if to say , " Are you here to give blood too ? " I smiled , pointed to my arm and then to the blood bag while nodding my head . I couldn 't help but laugh out loud when she , in great excitement , started chattering away in Arabic to her relative on the bench next to her . She then asked Anatole , the lab guy , if I was going to be giving blood for her sister , and he assured her that I was indeed going to donate for her sister . Her smile got even bigger as she looked at me with grateful eyes . I just laughed and smiled back . I watched her wince as Anatole pulled the needle out of her arm , and I motioned and said in French , " That hurts ! " ( they use a 14 gauge , small garden hose , needle connected by tubing to a blood bag , and it burns worse to take it out than to put it in ) . She clicked her tongue and nodded in agreement . Then it was my turn . Anatole started prepping my arm and searching for a vein . I turned my head because I can 't stand to watch the needle go in . The Arab woman nodded her head and motioned for me to look away . Once , I turned my head back because Anatole was asking me a question about which vein he should stick , and the Arab woman quickly shook her head and " told " me to turn my head away , that I shouldn 't look . I laughed , but complied and turned my head so that I couldn 't see . She put her hand up as a shield just to make sure I wasn 't looking . As I squeezed the stress ball to pump my blood , the rest of the family came over , and she excitedly explained to them what was happening . I just laughed again ; I was amazed at their excitement . They starting talking amonPosted by |
Special thanks to ErikThread for the great editing . His skills make the story easier for you to read , but then I changed some of it . So , any grammar mistakes , misspellings , or punctuation errors you find , I DID IT . This is the first of a two part story . The second part is finished and will be posted in one day . If you prefer , you can wait until the second part appears and read the story in its entirety . Please vote and leave your comments . Cathy and I were part of an ever changing group of attractive young people who spent a lot of time together . We were young and enjoyed spending our evenings at some of the local clubs , dancing , drinking , and having fun . Some weekends guys attended ballgames while the gals went shopping then the group reformed for an evening at someone 's house or apartment . At one time or another , a guy and a gal paired off , and then separated and rejoined the group . Several of the females were pretty wild . They probably had sex with every one of the men . They switched partners pretty regularly . Cathy had dated two or three of the guys in the group but never seriously . Her sister Sherry was part of the group , too . However , Sherry was one of the wildest . They often arrived together , but Cathy went home alone . She seemed insecure when her sister wasn 't around . After the first few dates Cathy and I had , we sort of drifted away from the group and eventually married . We didn 't start a family right away . Cathy was just barely twenty - one and I was only five years older . She had a rather mediocre job . She declined my suggestion she go to college , thinking if she dedicated more time to her job , she might end up with a promotion . After three years , there was no promotion in sight so Cathy agreed it was time to start our family . She quit work near the time our first child was due and stayed at home until we had three children and they were all old enough for school . She missed being with adults and the excitement of doing something besides taking care of a home and our children . After a couple of part time positions , she got a pretty good job with one of the large companies in town . Her income wasn 't great , but it helped out when we bought our first home . Although I couldn 't use my cell phone while I was at work , Cathy usually called me during my lunch hour , or I called her because she frequently left a message on my voice mail . She liked to ask if I needed her to do anything at home , talk about what she would do later that day , or the activities the children might spend their afternoon doing . She also liked to ask me if I had any suggestions for our dinner that night . After several years of feeling like the walls of our tiny house were going to burst , Cathy and I were finally able to afford a larger home . Our oldest child had just turned thirteen , and with the prospect of having three teenagers , we wanted as large a house as we could afford . The house we found was huge , upstairs there was a master bedroom across the back of the house , and four smaller bedrooms down that same hall . It was a real bargain , partly because it had been vacant for a couple of years , tied up in a nasty divorce proceeding . The bank had finally foreclosed on the loan and auctioned the house to the highest bidder , a real estate investor . That investor just wanted to turn the property quickly , so he added a few thousand dollars on top of what he paid for it , which meant The Preston family could afford to live in a much better neighborhood than we expected . We were particularly attracted by the exceptionally large rear yard , which would allow our children to stay home rather than roam the neighborhood after school . It was something we were becoming more concerned about with so many homes lacking a stay - at - home parent to supervise their children 's activities . However , because the house had been vacant for a while it had been neglected , both inside and out . I 'm fairly handy as a weekend carpenter so we were able to do most of the interior repairs ourselves , particularly the cosmetic damage done by the former owners . Most of the money we made from selling our smaller home , which wasn 't as much as we thought it would be , went to repairs for the new house . According to the real estate investor , the husband had accused the wife of cheating and the wife made similar accusations against her husband . At separate times , the two had gone through the house doing some damage in an effort to get back at each other . The damage was pretty easy for me to repair , but it also gave Cathy and me a few opportunities to renew our promises that we wouldn 't do that to each other , the same promises we had made during our wedding ceremony . We had a solid marriage and loved each other . Our three children learned to handle paint rollers and brushes with some skill , probably because we allowed them to select the colors for their own bedrooms , so long as it wasn 't something wild . We also discovered we had to leave bedroom doors open during the day so the house would stay cool . When the weather got a little cooler , I planned to do something about the air conditioning ducts in the attic . It seemed like the yard was the most neglected part of the property , including a wide , irregular shaped sloping back yard full of trees . No one had ever done much work back there . I had cut down some of the smaller trees and was slowly digging up the stumps . There were also a few larger trees , but they needed some extensive pruning to make a nice rear yard where we could spend some time outdoors . As summer approached , we were still outside every few days , working in the back yard and trying to keep the grass in front of the house growing . We pulled weeds from between the grass plugs , and shaped the few small plants we 'd added to hedges on either side of the front entry . Part of my enjoyment of working outside was having the love of my life doing her own thing outdoors , not far from me . My wife , Cathy , has a really hot body . At least I think so . Her breasts aren 't really large but she often wore a brief halter top without a bra , trying to get a little bit of a tan on the exposed skin . She usually wore very short shorts when we worked in the back yard , which I loved , especially when she would squat down and I could see inside the crotch of her shorts . She seldom wore panties , which made my view even better , especially when she was bending over with her cute butt sticking up . Cathy said when she got hot and sweaty , every thing she was wearing stuck to her wet skin . She had also encouraged me to work without a shirt too , and occasionally I 'd pull my shirt off and leave it by the door . Like her , I rarely wore underwear under my cutoff jeans , for the same reasons she used . We occasionally indulged in touching and stroking , but were careful . We were aware one of the children might walk into the back yard , so our playing was pretty tame . However , it led to some intense late night lovemaking after the children had taken their baths and went to their beds . We were very lucky with neighbors . A couple across the street and two doors down had a thirteen year old boy , Kenneth , the same age as our son , Benny . Missy , their daughter was nine , while our daughters , Becky and Tina , were eleven and eight . Most of the other families had much younger children . Although she was only eleven , our middle daughter was looking forward to earning some baby sitting money . One evening , just before dark I was carefully trimming the new hedges . I happened to glance up at Cathy and saw her looking down the street . She blushed , shuddered , and her nipples got hard . Then she looked down , as if she was hiding her face . I didn 't understand . I knew I hadn 't said anything to make her blush , although I was good at that , commenting on how sexy she looked when perspiration made her skin shine or reminding her I was interested in some more intimate action as soon as we could close our bedroom door . I also recognized the shudder as her reaction to something that caused a tingle of sexual arousal . I turned to see all three of our children walking down the street . They were coming toward our home because their playmates , the two Hanson children , were walking up the sidewalk toward their front door , but I didn 't see anyone else on the street , or in their front yard . During the seventeen years of our marriage , sex had always been important to both of us . I 'm sure as time went on our sex life wasn 't as robust as when we were younger . Yet , we still had sex at least one night during the week and then again sometime over the weekend , often early Sunday morning , particularly if the kids stayed up late Saturday night and slept late the next morning . That night , after supper , we took a shower together , playing in the warm water as we washed each other , and then had the wildest , most intense sex we 'd had in several years . I must have licked her through five or more orgasms and she wanted me to give her a rough fuck . She kept telling me , " Harder , harder , faster , faster , Jerry . Fuck me . " She blushed as she tried to explain . A few days after we moved in , Sue Hanson had come over to visit . She and Cathy became pretty good friends . They found things to do Saturday or Sunday , taking all five children with them , with Sue driving their huge old Suburban . It gave Barry and me a whole day to watch a ballgame , play a round of golf , or just have a day without the family around . A few weeks later , Sue Hanson had walked across the street with half a chocolate cake she 'd baked . Cathy tried to get her to come inside for a few minutes , but Sue said she didn 't have time . It was Thursday and she needed to get back to her house to finish supper . Cathy asked her why she was in a rush , so Sue explained that she and Barry always had sex on Thursday nights . They would get the kids inside , feed them supper , and put them to bed an hour early , because they were allowed to stay up an extra hour the previous night . It seems that Barry had complained about not getting as much sex as he wanted so Sue told him to pick a night , any night of the week . Then he had to agree to help her with supper and putting the kids to bed early . After that , she would devote the remainder of the night to him , beginning with a blow job then any position he wanted as long as he let her sleep four hours . While we were working in the front yard , Cathy saw the Hanson children going inside for their early supper and early bedtime , which meant Barry and Sue were going to have sex later . It turned her on and made her horny . She took me to bed where we enjoyed the best sex we 'd had in a long time . After her explanation , I started laughing and teasing Cathy telling her I was surprised when I realized our mid - week lovemaking had become a Thursday night routine . I told her she had beaten me to the punch because about the time we moved into the house I 'd thought about getting a porn video for her to watch the next time I wanted sex . I told her I 'd figured I only needed to play the first minute of the video to get her in the mood but now all it took was knowing the neighborhood children were going to bed early . " Yeah , " she agreed , " That 's part of our good cop - bad cop roles . " Somehow , over the years , we had gotten into the habit of Cathy asking me if I agreed or wanted things done differently , and then she issued instructions while I made sure she was obeyed . She did the same for me , but not as often as I had to do it for her . Our eleven - year - old middle child , Becky , was the ring leader . If she was told it was time for her bath , the other two just followed because they knew they were next . I often remarked that she could already think like an adult and I was looking forward to the day she really was an adult . I could sit back and never need to make another decision . A few weeks after Cathy revealed the reason we had developed a habit of Thursday night sex , I was in the back yard trimming the larger limbs I 'd cut off the big trees . I planned to cut the wood into smaller sections and eventually have some firewood for the fireplace . My son came outside and waited until I could hear him . When I turned off the chain saw , Benny told me supper was ready . I put my tools away and went inside to wash up for supper . I asked Cathy , but she said I didn 't have time for a shower . By the time all three kids had taken their baths , and were in bed with their lights off , I was finally going to take my shower . Cathy was already in bed with her back to the middle of the bed . Her nightstand light was turned off . After my shower , I went to bed , just lying on top of the covers for a short while to cool off and get really dry before I rolled over to go to sleep . I thought Cathy was already asleep . She was breathing deeply and hadn 't moved since I walked into the bathroom . Just as I pulled the sheet up to my chest , I realized it was Thursday night . The simple thought of what day of the week it was started an erection I wanted to use . " Cathy ? " I said her name quietly . I didn 't want to wake her up if she was already asleep . She didn 't respond and the next thing I knew it was morning . " Morning , Sweetie , " Cathy greeted me when she came down for breakfast and walked over to me for a kiss . She walked behind each of the children as they were eating breakfast . It had become a routine time when we all talked about our plans for the day or events that were coming up which needed a parent 's attendance . Most mornings I helped the children with their breakfasts while I packed my lunchbox , and Cathy cleaned up the kitchen after I left . There was at least half an hour after I left before she needed to leave for work . Her days were a lot shorter than mine were . Including travel time , I was gone about ten hours a day and she worked about five hours a day . Most days she had a very short commute , easily getting home before the children . I worked at a fixed site and Cathy 's hours and location changed , depending on where she was supposed to be on any particular day during the week . The company she worked for had more than twenty stores in the city . Cathy visited each store for a few hours each week , allowing her to end her work day by two in the afternoon . She drove her personal vehicle and was paid a generous reimbursement of her automobile expense . Many days she drove over one hundred miles throughout the day . I could help with morning things for the children , but Cathy usually handled anything during the day and in the afternoons , which was one of the reasons for our noon telephone calls . I couldn 't leave the plant during my shift , but Cathy could get off just about any hours she wanted , as long as she got her work done . She was the one who attended school functions and extra curricular activities . She took them to doctor 's appointments and went shopping for their clothes . I always tried to help Cathy as much as I could . However , I also worked twice as many hours as she did and made more than three times what she did . With my employee benefits , it was about four times her salary since she had very few benefits . Some of the color drained from her face as she turned to pick up her coffee cup , almost spilling it as her hand shook . " Yeah , " she said . Cathy took a deep breath and added , " I think I must have been really tired last night . I don 't remember when you came to bed . " She followed me out into the garage closing the kitchen door behind her . As soon as she was sure the children wouldn 't hear her , Cathy said , " I 'm sorry , Jerry . I 'll make it up to you . " I stood beside my pickup , looking over the top of the hood at her , " It 's okay , Doll . I love you . See ya this evening . " When we first married , I worked a late shift . Cathy had a little blackboard hanging beside the refrigerator for her grocery list . It 's where we would leave notes or write various reminders of upcoming events . She would often leave me a note about something because she was at work when I got up in the afternoon . She would write " Luv U 2 , 2 much . " I usually left her some kind of sweet note , but her note was always the same . Any time I told her I loved her , she started saying what she used to write , " I love you too , too much . " It must have been a little over a month after the first Thursday we missed having sex when I realized it was more than five weeks in a row , when I had not made love to my wife on Thursday night , or any other weekday night . She had almost stopped coming outside to help me in the yard , too . However , it was the other nights that were really bothering me . There had been no lovemaking during the middle of the week and on three of the Saturday night / Sunday mornings Cathy had complained that she didn 't feel well , was on her period , or was already gone from the bed when I woke up . I had mentioned the reduced frequency of sex a couple of times and Cathy seemed to have some kind of excuse , but we hadn 't really talked about the problem when we had time for just the two of us to sit for a good conversation without interruption . I was determined to discuss the matter with my wife . It was a Saturday and I was also determined to finally get the largest limbs removed to the wood pile so I could finish digging up the stumps and begin clearing out the undergrowth at the rear of the house . The school year would end soon and since moving to the new house , we hadn 't decided what we would do about child care for the summer . We really needed to have a good discussion about a variety of things . " I 'm talking about you and me . Do I need to ask my mom to stay with the kids so we can go away for a long weekend ? Do we need some special time to be together ? " Cathy turned her head , looking at the house as if she was trying to decide if she liked the looks of it , sort of tilting her head to one side . She shook her head before she answered . " No , I don 't think so . Jerry , " She turned her head back toward me , but didn 't look up . " Are you unhappy ? " " I don 't reject you , Jerry . I 've always enjoyed sex with you . You 're a very sexy man . " There was a short bark of sound , not really humor just a sound that she wanted me to think was laughter . " Sue thinks you 're a very sexy man . " " I could care less what Sue thinks . I want to make love to my wife , not some woman who doesn 't interest me . Sue belongs to Barry . I belong to you and I want to show you how much I believe that . Don 't you want me anymore ? " " No , Jerry , " she paused then looked away . " It 's not like that . I want you . I thought we were doing pretty good . " Before I could say anything , Cathy was stomping off , on her way back to the house . I knew she was under a lot of stress at work . Her department was being reorganized to accommodate more computerization . A new supervisor , who insisted on being called Mr . Westland , had been hired and Cathy was afraid she would lose her job or be asked to take a lesser position . One tree stump was giving me a lot of trouble . The roots had wrapped around a large rock near the surface . I think I worked for another hour then put away my tools and went inside to take a shower . Maybe Cathy and I could have our talk after supper . When I walked back into the kitchen , there was a note on the blackboard , " Gone to the store . " " Sure , Beck , but make it an easy one , " I teased her . That I knew of , I was the only person to call her Beck . " Your ol ' man is getting old . His brain doesn 't work as fast as it used to . " " Give me a break , " she scoffed . " I know you 're only forty - two . Mr . Hanson is forty - seven . He says a man doesn 't start getting old until he 's over fifty . " " That 's not what I meant . You remember my tryouts were Thursday ? " When I nodded , Becky said , " Mom said she was taking off Thursday afternoon to come to my tryout , but she didn 't show up . Last week she didn 't go to Benny 's troop meeting . " " Really ? " This was really strange . Cathy and I usually discussed the children 's activities I couldn 't attend and I just realized she hadn 't mentioned either event . Becky was showing some good soccer skills , which we were encouraging . The last time I 'd talked to Benny 's scout master , he was really impressed with the leadership skills our son was showing . If I recalled correctly , the meeting Cathy missed was when the scout master had planned to give parents an overview of the troop 's summer activities , including a two week camp Benny was looking forward to attending . " Yeah , she said she was at the tryouts . She said I probably didn 't see her , but she didn 't know whether I made the team . She told Benny she got held up at one of the stores , but he told me when he called the office they said she 'd already called in her time for the day . " " Tell ya what , Beck , " I was prepared to strike some kind of bargain with my own daughter , just to keep her from being worried . " Don 't bother your Mom about this . I 'll talk to her . I know her job has been pretty tense the last couple of months . We may need to give her a little slack . " " Okay , Dad . Thanks . " She stood and started to walk across the room , but turned back to tell me , " Oh , I almost forgot . Mrs . Hanson wanted me to ask if Benny , Tina , and I could spend next Saturday night at their house . We 're gonna eat pizza and go to a late movie . It 's a cartoon movie , but I forgot which one . She said to tell you there will be ten children and four adults . I think one of the other adults is Mr . Hanson 's sister or something like that . I guess if I didn 't explain it right , you can call her . " Sunday was a very quiet day . I planned to find some time to discuss why Cathy missed the kid 's events , plus a few other things , but we probably wouldn 't have time for our conversation until the afternoon . I spent a little time across the street talking to Sue Hanson about the children 's party . She said it was a rare opportunity and I should take advantage of it . I told her I was way ahead of her . I 'd already called the hotel for a reservation . Cathy took the kids to an afternoon movie and when she got home , she wanted to take a long bubble bath while I got the kids to straighten up the family room and take their baths . After the kids were finally in bed , I took my shower . When I came out of our bathroom with a towel wrapped around my waist , I found Cathy in our bed , with the covers pulled up and tucked under her shoulders . I was playfully trying to lift the sheet , but she had a firm grasp on it . Suddenly , she kicked the covers to the foot of the bed and jerked the towel from around my waist . Every thought about a serious discussion with my wife instantly left my head . " Oh my God . " I couldn 't believe it . Cathy had shaved her entire pussy . I 'd teased her that I was going to catch her unaware and do it myself some day , just to see if she liked it . My cock popped up , the fastest erection I 'd had in a long time . My mind was spinning . Her nipples were already hard and I didn 't know which lips I wanted to kiss first . I fell across the bed and started kissing my wife . We didn 't get much sleep that night , but neither one of us seemed to care . I know she made me cum three times and I stopped counting her orgasms , I think after about the eighth one . Sometime during that night , I asked her for a date the next Saturday and told her that as part of our foreplay , I wanted to shave her before we had sex in the hotel room I 'd reserved . I could barely wait for the kids to leave Saturday so Cathy and I could get dressed for our special date . Even after seventeen years of marriage , when she went to the trouble , Cathy could look almost as good as the twenty year old I 'd dated and she could attract the attention of every man in a room . We put a few things , including a change of clothes , in a small bag and checked into the hotel . Then we went downstairs to the club where a small live band was playing a variety of music . It was still a little early so we had a couple of drinks then went to the restaurant for a good meal . Cathy was sitting on the same side of the booth with me . All the time we were eating , she was flirting with me , giving me little touches on my hand , a slow rub along the top of my thigh , and with one leg crossed over the other her swinging foot would come over and tap against my shin . While we were sharing a slice of cheesecake for dessert , Cathy took my hand and put it under her dress . Good Lord , the woman wasn 't wearing panties . Her pussy was bare and she was wet , but no longer smooth . There were bristles like those that a man would have if he didn 't shave all weekend . However , her hair was a lot softer . I started getting hard and Cathy patted the crotch of my dress pants telling me I had to wait until later . We went back to the club and I sat at a corner of the bar while Cathy joined the crowd on the small dance floor . She had always liked to dance a lot more than I did , but I liked to watch her dance . I must have two left feet or I would forget to move while I watched my wife twisting and turning in front of me , so I 'm content to sit at the bar and watch while she dances with the crowd . Even the twenty - something guys would get close to her , rubbing on her as they danced . Most of the time she was looking at me , rather than the guys on the dance floor , sending me one of those looks that made my cock hard . That 's the same thing she did when we were dating , always letting me know I was the man she wanted . For eighteen years , if she left the dance floor , she would come to the bar and back up between my legs , using my thighs as armrests , while she cooled off or got another drink . Instead of sipping her drinks , she just drank them down , so she could go back to the dance floor . I knew she was getting pretty tipsy , but that was why I was there , to take care of her when she had too much to drink . She wasn 't falling down drunk , but she could be a little reckless . Some of the people in the bar were really having a good time . For a while , the dance floor was so crowded , I lost sight of Cathy , but I was watching another couple , too . For a while they were on the dance floor , really rubbing each other , almost dry humping . She was riding his leg , the light color of his slacks showed the wet spot she left on the top of his thigh . Finally , they went to a booth behind me . I could see them in the mirror behind the bar . They ordered drinks and began making out . He had an arm around her and his other hand was under her dress . I knew what he was doing . Her head was back , her mouth was open , and then she started shaking . She finally slumped forward with her forehead on the table in front of her and rested there for a little while . They enjoyed their drinks and left the booth . They both smiled at me as they went back to the dance floor . It was a hot show and they knew I had watched them . After that twenty minute show , I again started looking for Cathy . I left my bar stool and walked around the edge of the dance floor . I found her in a dark corner , dancing with a man a little older than the younger crowd on the floor . He was probably in his mid - to - late thirties . When Cathy saw me , she waved and went back to her dance and I returned to my barstool . When the crowd started thinning out , I finally got Cathy off the dance floor . I had my arm around her as we rode the elevator up to our room . She was blitzed , silly drunk , giggling , and talking baby talk . She could barely help me while I was taking her clothes off . " Okay , baby . You just go right ahead . Shave Cathy 's pretty little pussy . " She giggled as she climbed on the bed and spread her legs . She giggled a little more and said , " Pretty little pussy , little pretty little pussy , pussy little pussy , " getting all the words mixed up . We 'd always had fun in bed when Cathy had a few drinks . It was the only time she would talk nasty . I got all my shaving things , including a hand towel I soaked in warm water . I started to wipe her pussy off and noticed how wet she was . I stuck a finger up inside her vagina , planning on a little tickle . I knew exactly what that slimy feeling was . She giggled , " Wayne . " She giggled again and wiggled her hips , " Wayne fucked Cathy 's shaved pussy . " Cathy giggled some more and tried to hide it by putting her hand over her mouth . " Wayne 's fat cock 's in the pretty little pussy . " " Boss man Wayne , " she answered as my finger moved slowly in and out of her cum filled pussy . " Fat cock Wayne . Fuckin ' in the men 's room , Wayne . " I was no longer interested in shaving my wife 's just fucked pussy . In fact , I seriously considered going back down to the bar to see if Fat Cock Wayne was still there . Instead , I pulled Cathy up to the head of the bed and got her covered up . I brewed the complimentary coffee then sat in one of the chairs and watched my unfaithful wife sleep for a couple of hours . I wasn 't sure what I was going to do , but I knew I wasn 't going to be happy , no matter what happened . My wife of seventeen years , the mother of our three children , and the woman I loved , had just admitted that she 'd fucked another man . From the words she used , it sounded like it wasn 't the first time . The real reason my wife and I were no longer making love on Thursday nights was that she was fucking Fat Cock Wayne . She had broken all the promises we had made to each other . The number of times we had talked about how much we loved each other didn 't seem to matter to her . It takes time for love to grow strong . It doesn 't die very quickly , but I feared my love for Cathy was hemorrhaging . When I was sure Cathy wasn 't going to start throwing up whatever was in her stomach , I walked out of the room and closed the door quietly . I wasn 't really that drunk . I 'd only had a few drinks and I 'd eaten more of my dinner than Cathy had eaten of hers . She 'd only picked at her food . In addition , I 'd had several cups of coffee while I sat around for a few hours . I went down to the restaurant to order a big breakfast , regretting the club had already closed . I might have enjoyed a few minutes with Fat Cock Wayne . |
Chapter 8 - Nothing Ventured Disclaimer : All publicly recognizable characters , settings , etc . are the property of their respective owners . The original characters and plot are the property of the author . The author is in no way associated with the owners , creators , or producers of any media franchise . No copyright infringement is intended . It was the morning of Michele 's third chemo treatment . The transport van arrived and Sookie looped her arm through her Mother 's as they walked toward the vehicle . They were warned that this chemotherapy session would result in the worst side effects yet . Sookie was pretty sure her Mother would need her home to take care of her for at least the first few days after they returned from the hospital , so Sookie worked every available hour possible . There was no time for romance and , for five days , Sookie canceled any plans with Breandan . Sookie was surprised at how sharply she felt the loss of seeing him . She hadn 't realized how much a part of her life the musician had become . She looked at the neighborhood around her and almost wished she was meeting him instead of being here , then felt guilty for thinking it . " Yes , " Sookie answered , " I guess I am , but this is more important . Breandan can take care of himself . He 's a grown man and besides , it 's not all that serious between us . " " He 's been taking you out almost every day , " her Mother told her , " and you come home with a smile . You think I don 't know when something special is happening with my own daughter ? " Michele leaned against Sookie , " I 'll make a confession . I spied on the two of you from the window a couple days ago . Your Breandan is very tall , but you seemed to figure out the kissing part okay . " " I don 't think he 's ' my ' Breandan , and yes , he 's pretty tall . " Sookie shrugged to cover her embarrassment . The driver was grinning at her in the rear - view mirror , and Sookie couldn 't help the smile tugging at the corners of her mouth . " You think I don 't notice things ? You even daydream about him when you think no one 's watching . I don 't know what you call it , but where I come from , folks would say that 's pretty serious , " her Mother teased . " Well , " Michele patted her hand , " I noticed you 've avoided bringing him to meet me . Are you ashamed of him ? Or is it me ? " " No ! " Sookie exclaimed . " It 's not like that ! You 've been so weak , and then you caught that cold . Breandan 's around people all day . He has meetings with people who want to do business with his family , and then he 's playing in bars at night . I didn 't want to take that kind of risk with you . " " I could point out that you 're in restaurants every night . It 's not like you 're staying away from the public , but I understand , " her Mother said . Sookie heard the slightly hurt tone in Michele 's voice and wasn 't sure her Mother did understand , but as her Mother stared out the window and Sookie thought about her reluctance to introduce Breandan to her Mother , Sookie felt less certain . Sookie 's time with Breandan was light and happy . They laughed and never talked about anything serious . It was as if every day she could escape the hard place of her real life into an exquisite mini - vacation where a handsome , carefree man helped her forget her realities like trading her dreams for becoming a waitress and the grinding tragedy of sickness . She and Breandan never spoke of sorrow or suffering , and Sookie realized that maybe her Mother understood things better than she did . Everything was ready when they arrived at the Cancer Center , and her Mother was soon in the bed with all her lines in place . " Why don 't you sit with me ? " Michele asked Sookie . " I 'd like you to tell me about this young man of yours . " The hours passed while Sookie told her Mother about Breandan 's family in Ireland . She told her Mother about the hotels they owned and where they were located . She told Michele about the brewery he was somehow related to and how it had started during the times of The Troubles . She told her Mother the things she 'd found out by asking silly questions . She knew the kinds of things he liked to do best , and that he loved cinnamon . " So , that 's why you made those cookies ! " her Mother sighed , and Sookie blushed when she remembered how she 'd liked the aftereffects of the cookies just as much . " I guess I didn 't think about it that way , " Sookie agreed , " but he is an old - fashioned guy in a lot of ways . He insists he walk next to the road whenever we walk together on sidewalks , and he 's big on opening doors and pulling out chairs . I was never one for all of that , but with him ? It 's kind of nice . " Sookie told her Mother what she knew about Breandan 's Father , which wasn 't much . " He really runs the family from what Breandan 's told me . Breandan says when he gets back , he 'll be running a hotel , maybe two . I guess he spent a lot of his teenage years learning the business by being in the office and doing odd jobs . " " Well , I know Breandan was an only child and I guess he did grow up kind of fast . His Mother … " and Sookie almost mentioned that Breandan 's Mother had died , but she caught herself before the words passed her lips . Somehow , though , her Mother guessed . Sookie bit her lip and nodded , but Michele just smiled . " See ? " she said . " One day you 'll have that in common , too . " Quick tears fell down Sookie 's cheeks , but her Mother smiled and tutted , " Now , now ! I didn 't mean to make you cry . You 're talking about a man that makes your face light up , and that should never make any woman sad . Why don 't you tell me about his music ? You said he 's a musician ? What kind of instrument does he play ? " Sookie took a deep breath , swiped at her face with the back of her hand , and launched into a description of how Breandan played fiddle . She talked about the two performances she 'd seen and the way he held his instrument and the songs he sang . She talked about how people would stand up and clap and how Breandan held his own with vocals . Michele asked Sookie if she 'd taken any video of the band performing , and Sookie obliged by pulling out her phone and finding the clip to run for her Mother . The light quality wasn 't good , but the sound came through , and Michele had her play the clip twice . " He really is talented , " Michele smiled , but then she winced a little and they stopped talking as Sookie 's Mom closed her eyes and waited for the discomfort to pass . After a bit , Michele shifted on the bed , then opening her eyes said , " I really love the idea of you sitting around in the evening , everyone musical . And Irish music ? You love that ! I could just see you in Ireland , all cozy , listening to fiddle music into the night , couldn 't you ? " Sookie decided to ignore her Mother 's blatant pushing , instead mentioning how easily Breandan met new people . " He has the most easy way . It 's like people are just drawn to him , and he loves to talk . Before you know it , perfect strangers are like your best friend ! " " I remember when you were a little girl , all you wanted when you grew up was to travel and meet new people , " Michele reminded Sookie . " If you ended up with Breandan , you 'd probably go live in Ireland . He 's here in the United States , looking at new hotels . Who knows where he might be thinking about another new hotel and you could travel with him . It could be in Europe or anywhere , and in the hotel business , you 'd meet new people all the time . What a wonderful adventure that would be ! " Michele rubbed the back of Sookie 's hand with her thumb . " It would make me so happy to think that after everything , how wonderful and strong you 've been , your dreams would come true , Sweetheart . " " It 's a lovely idea , Mom , but not very practical , " Sookie smiled . " I 'm really not sure exactly how long Breandan 's planning on staying in the United States , but I 'm sure his visa isn 't going to allow him to stay here indefinitely . I live here . You live here . I 'm not leaving any time soon and the fact is , I probably won 't ever leave . You 're stuck with me , like white on rice . When Breandan finishes his business , he 'll go home and I 'm okay with that . That 's why I 'm not getting too involved . I won 't tell you I 'm not having fun . I am , but when he goes , he goes and that 's the end of it . " " My beautiful , practical girl ! " Michele smiled , " But what you 're talking about could be months and months away . A million things could happen between now and then . If this Breandan O ' Hara makes you happy , and I see that he does , don 't short change yourself because of something that might happen . If there 's one thing this whole mess of an experience has taught me , it 's that life is too short not to live every moment as if it counts . Take the chance , Sookie ! Finding real happiness with another person doesn 't come around that often . You 'd be silly to ignore it when it 's right in front of you . " " Maybe I 'm just afraid , " she told her sleeping Mother . It made sense . There was nothing about this process and the life she now led that wouldn 't frighten any sane person . Breandan knew Sookie 's Mother had gone through another round of chemotherapy . While they hadn 't communicated in awhile , Sookie had told him the date they were scheduled to go into the hospital and she told him not to expect to hear from her after they returned . What he didn 't expect was for a day to become several days , and then a full week of total silence . At first , Breandan told himself the reason he was anxious was about having nothing to report to his Father . Rogan had taken to calling nightly , but in the last two days , Breandan stopped thinking about his Father . He didn 't answer his Father 's calls nor listen to the voicemails he left . " She 's not answering my texts , " Breandan fumed . " Sookie and her Mother have been back for two days and now two nights . Why isn 't she answering me ? " Breandan flipped his phone over , checking his messages again . " I don 't know why you 're flipping , " and Sean shook his head . " You know she 's dealing with her Mother . " The look Sean was giving him spoke eloquently . Sean Callahan thought Breandan was crazy . " So , if you came over here to play , you should get your fiddle , " Sean informed him , then sat down , leaned back , and picked up his guitar . His fingers ran over the bridge of the new piece they were working on , but Sean didn 't stop staring . " Of course , " Breandan nodded . " I 'm not being rational . I 'll get it , " and he walked across the hall and returned , fiddle in hand . Sean was working through the piece , and Breandan quickly tuned the strings . Sean started to play the piece from the beginning , but when Breandan missed his cue , Sean didn 't bother to hide his irritation , " You in ? " " I guess , " and Dan brought the instrument under his chin , then turned it right back around to sit on his knee as he picked up the phone again . " You don 't think she 's avoiding me , do you ? " he asked , scrolling up and down his rolodex of messages again . " You 're acting like a psycho ! " and Sean stood . " I told you what Amelia said . Sookie called out of work and she never does that . She told Amelia before they went that this one was going to be rough . I guess it is , " and when Breandan made a noise , Sean shook his head and laid down his guitar . " Your head isn 't in this . Look , I 'm going to go pick up Amelia . She 'll be off work in an hour . Just do yourself a favor and go over there . Knock on the door and talk to the girl . She can 't ignore you if you 're on her doorstep . She 'll tell you how things are going and you can get your shit together . " " And what if she won 't open the door ? " Breandan carped . " In all the times I 've been over there , she 's never invited me in to see her place or meet her Mother . " " Hey , maybe it 's like you 're thinking , " Sean shrugged , " maybe Sookie is dumping your ass , but at least you 'll know . " Sean pulled out his keys and tossed them at Breandan . " Here , take my car . I 'll take the T to the diner . It 'll make Amelia feel sorry for me and she 's always nicer to me when she 's feeling sorry . " " I don 't think she 's dumping me , " Breandan hissed , but the uncertainty of the situation was making him worry . Breandan had never had to rely on his personality to get what he wanted . With the Fae , you always knew where you stood . Everyone else succumbed to glamour … except Sookie . Breandan barely threw out a ' thanks ' before he was out the door , fiddle case in hand . If his Father had caught him at this moment and asked why he was upset about Sookie Stackhouse , Breandan didn 't think he would say it was about failing . Somehow this hybrid , mongrel , all - too - human woman had gotten under his skin and the idea that she didn 't feel the same way was confounding ! It was in the way she wasn 't distracted by how he looked , or maybe it was because she was immune to his charms . Breandan was pretty sure that , to Sookie Stackhouse , it wouldn 't matter what he looked like or how much money he had in his bank account . He was sure that what mattered to Sookie was who he was , and when he believed that she liked him , maybe even loved him a little , it made him absurdly happy . Now , he wasn 't as sure . The drive across town didn 't take long . It was past the dinner hour and traffic had slowed . Breandan parked on the street in front of her house , even though he knew it guaranteed he 'd get a ticket . Breandan walked to the tree line near the fence and whistled . When Eric Northman didn 't appear , the Fae called out , " Here , doggie ! Come here , boy ! " " You should leave her alone , " Eric was also looking at the second - floor windows . " They have trouble . She doesn 't need more troubles at her door . " " I don 't want to hurt her , " Breandan replied and he turned to hold Northman 's eyes . " I find that I care about her . I care about what will happen to her . " Breandan stared at the vampire , and then nodded , his mind made up . Breandan started walking toward the house , his pace picking up until he was almost running . He paused on the porch , almost decided against it , and then hearing someone shuffling inside , he knocked . He bounced on the balls of his feet as he waited through the sound of deadbolts turning and then the door swung open . The man on the other side stared at him myopically and Breandan knew this was Sookie 's landlord . " Who are you ? " the man demanded . " I 'm Breandan O ' Hara , " Breandan told him , not bothering to offer his hand . " I 'm the boyfriend . I haven 't heard from Sookie or her Mom in a couple days , so I 've come to check up on them . " Breandan tried to catch the man 's eye , but then he stopped . This man couldn 't see , so he couldn 't be glamoured . ' What is it about this house ? ' Breandan growled internally . With no other tactic available , Breandan resorted to bullying . " So , what about it ? Have you checked on them today ? Have you seen whether they need help ? " It was a low blow , calling out this man with his failing vision on ' seeing ' things with his own eyes , but Breandan didn 't care . " Sookie wouldn 't ignore my texts if everything was okay . I 'm worried about them , " the Fae added in a slightly pleading tone . For a minute , Breandan believed Sam would slam the door in his face , but instead , he opened it and glanced in the direction of another closed door . Sam probably assumed the Fae knew the way , but the landlord 's staring made clear the second door was where Breandan needed to go . " Thanks , " he told Sam , stepping past the man and turning the second doorknob , which mercifully opened to a staircase . " I 'm sure Sookie will be grateful , " and Breandan was pulling the door shut behind him and taking the stairs by twos . " Sookie ? " he called when he reached the top of the staircase . " Sookie ? I don 't want to startle you . It 's me , Breandan . Are you here ? " and Sookie came out of a room . Her hair was dirty and her face was pale . Her mouth was downturned , but before she could say anything , there was the sound of retching coming from the room behind her . As Breandan watched , Sookie 's face crumpled and she dashed away quick tears . Breandan swallowed . The apartment smelled terrible . He wanted to turn around and walk right back out the door . The sound of the woman he assumed was Sookie 's mother being sick wasn 't stopping . He could hear the low murmur he recognized as Sookie trying to comfort her . There was nothing in Breandan 's past to really prepare him for this kind of situation , but he straightened his spine anyway and acting on instinct said in a low voice , " Okay , let 's see what we 've got . " Instead of walking out of the apartment , he walked in further to find the small kitchen . It held a table and chairs and some basic appliances he recognized from his own apartments . There was no dishwasher and the sink , counter , and table were piled with dirty dishes . There was a washer and dryer off to the side . There were two plastic baskets overflowing with dirty laundry . Sookie walked into the kitchen with a bundle in her arms . She glanced at Breandan before pushing the soiled sheets down into one of the baskets and Breandan caught the odor . " Yes , I do ! " Sookie snapped , " But there 's no insurance , and I can 't afford to pay a nurse , so it 's all on me and right now , I don 't have time to play games with you . I have something more important that needs to get done , so if you wouldn 't mind … " and she looked at him , making it clear that he needed to leave . Breandan 's head told him Sookie was right . He should leave and return another time . His feet almost started moving toward the door . This was way more than he had bargained for and he couldn 't imagine even his Father , greedy as he was , expecting him to remain in this kind of mess . Breandan didn 't have any experience with sick people . The Fae were never sick and there was no reason for him to spend any time around sick humans . It wasn 't done , but then another tear slipped over Sookie 's cheek and she dashed it away , her face angry . It was seeing her sadness that made something shift inside of Breandan . In the months that would follow , Breandan thought of this moment and wondered if Sookie used the same magic that had called the Selkies to her because suddenly , all Dan wanted to do was help her . Instead of leaving as she 'd asked , he set his fiddle down on the empty kitchen chair , took off his coat , and proceeded to roll up his sleeves . " What are you doing ? " Sookie demanded . Breandan could hear an edge of panic in her voice and he stopped to look at her face under the light . " When 's the last time you slept , Sookie ? " He didn 't wait for an answer . Instead , he opened cabinet doors so he could see where things belonged and started to put away the few dry dishes in the dish drain . " It doesn 't matter . My Mom 's been really sick this time , " Sookie 's voice was shaky . From the other room , they could hear Michele 's voice , thin and weak . " Look , I 've got to go help her . She threw up on the bed and I 've got to figure out how to make it up again , " and she looked at the overflowing basket of laundry . Breandan nodded , " Go on , " he told her . " Everything will be all right . " When Sookie walked from the room , Breandan found the plug for the kitchen sink and some towels . While cleaning a house wasn 't anything he had ever done personally , there was something primal about helping those the Fae favored . It was something they did . They cobbled shoes and finished carpentry jobs for humans who found their favor . They churned butter and spun straw into cloth . If a Fae wished you well , it was easily done , so Breandan 's hands flew , fueled by magic and his sincere wish to help Sookie . The sink filled with hot , soapy water and the washer began its first cycle . While technically his hands were doing the work , Breandan didn 't need to know how things were done . Machines simply worked for him and dishes guided themselves through the process . When the dish drain was full , he placed added ones on towels spread over the counters . The kitchen was almost clean by the time Sookie returned . " How did you do this ? " She walked over to Breandan and placed her hand on his arm . She was wide - eyed and all Breandan could see were the dark circles around the eyes of this vulnerable , strong , sassy woman . " I wanted it , " he told her , then felt in that moment how true his words were . Sookie laughed a little and pulled the damp towel from where he 'd tucked it into the front of his pants to serve as an apron . As she turned to set it on the counter , Breandan wrapped her in his arms and she turned to wrap her arms around him , too . She laid her head against his chest and the Fae felt his too cold heart flip and then warm . " I 'm glad you came , " Sookie whispered against his shirt and Breandan 's arms squeezed her tighter . Sookie felt that wonderful feeling , the one she 'd only felt with her Father before . It was the one that promised her she was fine and everything would turn out for the best . " Will you take a shower ? " Breandan 's voice rumbled against her ear . When Sookie 's eyes turned up to him , he laughed ! " You smell ! " he told her , and then didn 't bother hiding his relief after Sookie laughed in return . " She needs to settle first , " Sookie glanced back at the hall . " If Mom isn 't sick again in the next fifteen minutes , she 'll be able to sleep . Then I can shower if you promise to listen for her . If she needs anything , you have to call me … " and Sookie stopped talking . The look on Sookie 's face was worth it . She smiled . She sat down . She said , " Thank you , " and Breandan 's chest tightened until it expanded in a most pleasurable way . " It 's nothing , " he replied , feeling as if he was , indeed , someone noble , a knight to his Princess . He poured her milk and set it beside her . " Hopeful , " he countered , and then turned to move things between the washer and dryer . The sheets in the basket would need rinsing in the sink first , and Sookie started to protest when he dumped them in and began to run the water . " Sit down ! " Breandan ordered and pointed to the clock . " Finish your sandwich . It 's already been ten minutes ; fifteen and you get in the shower . You 'll be doing me a favor . " Breandan didn 't stop to think of what to tell her . He just told her the truth . " Because I feel things for you I haven 't felt for anyone in a very long time , " and the honesty of his words warmed him to the tips of his fingers . " I feel something for you , too , " Sookie told him , " but I 'm not sure where this can go . We don 't know each other well and I already know how different we are . We come from such different places . I don 't think it 's fair for me to be making you any promises . " Once she left , Breandan opened his fiddle case , wondering if playing a little music would be a problem . He decided to finish drying all the dishes and put things away first . He took his time , learning where things were stored . He sorted cans , making him curious about the kinds of things Sookie and her Mother ate . It seemed there was little about this woman that didn 't fascinate him . Sookie had been so relieved to be able to stand under the hot spray of the shower ! She felt so grateful to Breandan and , although she knew it was idealistic , her heart pulled toward him ; however , seeing him rifling through her cabinets put her back on alert . " What are you doing ? " Sookie all but snapped . Breandan hadn 't realized how much time had passed and spun around , looking guilty , but then , he smiled . Sookie stood before him , her hair wet , and dressed in a soft sweatshirt , yoga pants , and socks . " I 'm snooping , " he admitted happily and without a bit of shame . " More importantly , are you feeling better ? " " I 'm where I want to be , " he interrupted her , and then stepped in to pull her back against him . " You smell much better , " and he sighed at how right it felt to have her within his embrace . Sookie wrapped her arms around him , holding him tight , and then she yawned . " I couldn 't , not yet , " Sookie protested . " She 's just dropped off . She 'll be up again . It 's too soon . " " You are exhausted , " and Breandan ran his finger down the side of her face . " Look , I frequently stay up all night . It 's a fact of the hotel industry and I 've had plenty of sleep this week . I 'll sit up and keep an eye out . Maybe you have a television ? You could get some sleep … " " I 'll wake you , " he promised . Sookie agreed and Breandan followed her to the small sitting room they had set up between the bedrooms . There wasn 't much , a couch , a table , and a chair . There was a flat screen TV on the wall that Sookie turned on . Breandan settled back and checked the time . It was going on one a . m . He heard Sookie shifting around in the other bedroom , and then things got quiet . " You really are an ass ! " Breandan scolded himself , but he didn 't mean it . For the first time in a long time , Breandan O ' Hara felt like someone who was important to someone else and it made him glow with contentment . Not a half hour went by when he heard the moan from the opposite bedroom followed by the sounds of someone stumbling , and then feet headed across the floor . Breandan rose and peered inside the bathroom . A skeletal woman leaned over the toilet . The knobs of her spine stood in stark relief and reminded him of dinosaur bones . She turned toward him as she wiped her mouth . " Who are you ? " she croaked . Her voice wasn 't as panicked as it should have been , just defeated . The vampire had been right . The smell of death clung to this woman and over rid any other scents . It was the cloying , musty , smelled of old leaves upon a forest floor and it made Breandan 's nostrils flare . " I 'm Breandan , " he told her , swallowing back his revulsion . " I 'm Sookie 's friend . " " Well , " and she laid her cheek on the toilet seat , " this sure isn 't how I thought we 'd meet . " Sookie 's Mother sighed , closing her eyes , swallowing hard , and then breathing through her nose . Breandan wondered for a moment if she 'd dropped back off to sleep she was so still . Breandan wasn 't sure what to do , and so he sat down on the edge of the tub next to her . He lay his hand on her back and let his magic flow into her . It wouldn 't fix her , just help her over her immediate distress . Michele opened her eyes . She didn 't say anything , but Breandan thought she might feel what he 'd done . " Could you do me a favor ? " she asked . The Fae stood and as he leaned over , Michele took the chance to really look at him . There was something there . He didn 't look exactly like Corbett but , the sense of a resemblance was so sharp , it made her breath catch ! Michele knew she should feel anxious and embarrassed to be seen in such a state by this stranger . She knew her nightgown was stained and her hair hung dankly against her cheeks and forehead . Her mouth tasted terrible , but she just couldn 't find the energy for any of those things . " Could you get a towel ? " she asked . " Just soak it in some water for me ? " Breandan did as she asked and handed it to her . " Thank you , " she sighed , and then sucked the moisture from the towel . Her throat was burning and her lips were cracked . " Would you like me to get you a glass of water ? " Sookie 's handsome suitor 's face was close to hers and he touched her again , this time her shoulder . She felt it . It was like a thin thread of energy giving her much needed strength . " No , " Michele sighed . " No water . I 'll just throw it back up . " She closed her eyes again and then , unexpectedly , she felt her stomach shudder and she leaned over to throw up more bile . His hand returned , pressed against her back , and then stroked her . " There , there now , " he murmured and he started humming a tune . The combination of music and the man 's touch increased the hint of well - being Michele began to feel . She thought , ' It 's a miracle , ' as she felt her stomach settle . Turning , she sighed before asking , " Could you do me another favor ? Could you go and get Sookie ? " " I just want to go back to my bed , " Michele whispered . " I don 't think I can get up , though . I just want to … " and Michele felt despair overcoming her . " Well , that I can help you with , " Breandan interrupted her . He stood and slipped his hands under her shoulders . " You tell me if I 'm hurting you , " he said quietly . It wasn 't comfortable , being hoisted up , but Michele managed . She took a deep breath , getting ready for the long , exhausting walk to her room when Breandan reached around her and picked her up in his arms as if she was a child . He carried her to her room and laid her down on her bed carefully . He pulled the sheets to straighten them , tucked her in and , when she shivered , Breandan walked to the kitchen , returning with a clean blanket . " There now , " he told her . " It that all right , then ? " " I like her , too , " Breandan sat back , crossing his leg over his knee . " She 's special , your Sookie , but I have to ask . It 's a curious name . " " My husband insisted I choose the children 's names . He told me I should use old , family names , so I named Sookie for my great - aunt . I never knew her , but she was my Mother 's favorite . My Mom always said her Aunt Sookie was the strongest woman she knew , so I wanted to name my daughter for her , " Michele told him . " Well , ' our ' Sookie was adventurous , " Michele told him . " She had an independent streak a mile wide and she didn 't like to take directions from anyone . She wanted to do everything her own way . Of course , " and Michele looked out the window , " it was probably for the best . With the way we moved , Sookie never had a lot of friends . She had to be pretty self - sufficient . " " He is finding his own way , " Michele nodded . " He was always more like me . He needed structure , but Sookie ? She was more like my husband . " " In Minnesota , " and Michele 's eyes lit up . Breandan had seen it before , the sudden energy a human in thrall would exhibit , to be as much as talking about their Fae lover . " We were in school together . You know , his Mother was Irish , from Ireland . " " Clare , " Michele answered him . " She was old even when I met her ! I got the impression Corbett 's Father died before he was born . I don 't know why I thought that , but there were no pictures of him , not even one . I always thought it was terrible , but now … " and Michele 's eyes wandered to the ceiling , " Now , maybe , I understand . " Her eyes came back to look at Breandan , " There 's not a morning I waken when I don 't expect to see him beside me . " " I miss him every day , " and Michele looked small and lost . Hers was a classic case and Breandan was more certain he had found Niall 's lost family . The details all seemed to fit . " You know what hurts me most though ? " Michele asked and her eyes took on a sly look . After Breandan shook his head , she continued , " It 's knowing when I 'm gone , Sookie will be all alone . I worry she won 't be able to follow her dreams . I worry that all of this , " and Michele waved her hand to mean herself , " will drain the happiness out of her . " Breandan stilled . He knew what Michele was really asking and he found he didn 't need to think through his answer . He told her the truth , " I am courting your daughter . Unless she decides to reject me , I would like her to return to Ireland with me . " Michele stared at Breandan for a long moment . She didn 't ask Breandan about marriage or why he was making this kind of declaration so suddenly . Instead , she said " It would be best if you didn 't say that to Sookie . She 's too practical for such talk and it would only worry her . Best we keep this between us , " and then she changed the subject by saying , " Sookie tells me you play music . Do you like it ? " Breandan had just launched into a second waltz , his strings muted so the sound wouldn 't carry too far , when Sookie appeared at the door . " What 's going on ? Mom ? Are you okay ? " Sookie looked disoriented and sleep befuddled , as though she 'd just been pulled from a deep sleep . " Hi , Sweetheart . I 'm right as rain ! " her Mother told her . " I think listening to Breandan 's playing makes my nausea better . Go figure ! " and she smiled at her daughter who came in to sit on the side of the bed , her knees touching Breandan 's . They sat there , all together , while Breandan played another song . " I 'm tired , " Michele announced as the tune drew to an end . " I think I 'd like to sleep now . " She smiled at Sookie and squeezed her hand , then turned to Breandan , " Thank you , " she told him . " I am so glad I finally met you , even if it was like this . Sookie told me you were special . You really are . " Breandan glanced at Sookie and he wondered for a moment she 'd really told her Mother that , but then Sookie looked at him and she was smiling , and he felt his heart expand . " Perhaps I should head for home , " he stumbled . " It 's very late . " " Don 't be silly ! " Michele told him . " If I get up first , which do you like more ? Tea or coffee ? " Sookie made a noise , but Michele just looked at Breandan . He rose and left the room with Sookie trailing him , turning off the light , and pulling her Mother 's door closed . Breandan headed into the kitchen and laid his fiddle back in its case . There was a tea kettle on the stove . It was simmering and Breandan figured Sookie must have put it on before checking on her Mom . Sookie still didn 't look entirely awake . She was standing in front of the stove , staring at the wall above it . Breandan watched her , wondering whether he should leave when the kettle started to whistle and Sookie jumped . She turned off the burner and grabbed the teapot 's handle but , in her exhaustion , she forgot the potholder . With a shriek , Sookie dropped the kettle and it bounced hard . " Let me get that , " Breandan was beside her at once . He lifted the pot , putting it back on the stove , then took her scalded hand and held it flat . He blew his cool breath across it , healing it in an instant , then rubbed the uninjured sides of her hand with his thumbs , and turned his eyes to hers . " There , there , my Sookie . It will all be all right now , " he purred . When she continued to stare at him , he dipped his head and captured her lips with his own . They seemed to kiss for a long time . His lips moved over hers and he lifted her onto the counter so her face was on the same level with his . He stroked the seam of her lips with his tongue and she opened her mouth willingly to admit him , and so they explored each other with long , lazy strokes . His hands moved over her , first lightly , then more insistently , and her hands pulled his shirt from his pants so she could run her fingers over his skin . When he hissed , she withdrew her fingers , instead reaching behind him to pull the elastic from his hair . It fell with a rush , a cascade of rich brown that flowed over her fingers to rest on Breandan 's shoulders . Sookie stared right back . She saw his full lips and the dark smolder of his eyes . " I will , " she replied and she wrapped her legs around him after he lifted her to carry her down the hall to her bedroom . The light was streaming through her window . Sookie had been lying awake for some time , her arms crossed over her breasts under the blanket , cataloguing how her body felt . She figured with the handful of hours she 'd slept and the gymnastics she and Breandan had performed earlier , she 'd be sore , but she didn 't feel it . While Sookie believed she had a pretty good idea of the many ways she could be pleasured , she 'd found out there were a few more . Breandan had taken his time last night uncovering her , and then encouraging her to uncover him . He had taken her hands , begging her to explore his body . Sookie had been surprised how pleasurable it was to make him hiss and arch under her . He showed her how to hold him and how to use her nails to scratch " just a little . " He encouraged her to use her teeth , and then sucked her finger before instructing her how to insert it in his ass while he filled her . Taking Breandan into her for the first time had been perfect . He 'd stretched her with his fingers beforehand , using his mouth on her to build the tension so perfectly she was begging and pleading . Sookie wasn 't a virgin , but this was different . Breandan O ' Hara had brought her to orgasm so quickly , Sookie had to bite her arm to keep from crying out . He had her wrap her heels around him , the whole time whispering in her ear , making her pay attention to every sensation he dragged from her body . He turned her around and pushed her to her knees , entering her from behind , then pulled her up so her back was flush against his chest , stroking her with his fingers as he moved within her . Taking him into her mouth had proven challenging . Breandan had a hard time not moving faster and deeper than was comfortable , but then he laid her down and moved over her so that he could use his mouth at the same time she used hers and , before she knew it , Sookie was taking him almost all the way into her throat . His tongue was within her , massaging her and she moaned and , in that moment , he came , but he was tonguing her so deeply , she came , too . Below , the vampire watched as the light in Sookie 's bedroom was turned off . He couldn 't help the growl that escaped him . He had no proof , but he was certain the Brigants were up to something and that it wouldn 't be good for the Stackhouses . Eric pulled out his phone and started making arrangements to return to Ireland . He also texted Rogan . He delivered his final report , telling the Fae King his son was now a resident of Sookie Stackhouse 's bed . Eric had no illusions . Breandan would make certain his invitation wasn 't rescinded . He would be charming and attentive . He felt his lip curl again and he stabbed at the keys , spelling out the reminder to Rogan of their deal , and Eric Northman intended to collect . Once he hit send , he found his attention had drifted to the bedroom window again . He had half - hoped to see Breandan coming through the front door , but he knew it was a fool 's hope . " Stay safe , Sookie , " Eric said into the night , and then he turned and walked away . Sookie turned on her side and Breandan smiled . Sookie couldn 't understand how this man could look so perfect in the morning . She was sure her hair was sticking up in a rat 's nest and her eyes were a mess ! His hair wasn 't much shorter than hers , but somehow it hung perfectly , framing his long - jawed face . " I wouldn 't mind a helping hand , " Breandan teased , then his playful face became more serious . He moved down the bed , pulling her legs toward him , and used his tongue to lick and probe . Sookie was soon moving restlessly against his mouth . When she grabbed his hair , pulling him toward her , he moved up , bringing her knees up toward her chest in the same motion . " You may be a little swollen today , " he told her and when he pushed within her , she winced . Breandan stilled . " I 'll help , " He was aching with need , but proved he could be patient as he leaned back , bringing his knees under Sookie 's hips . He lifted her feet so they rested on either side of his thighs , spit into his own hand , and started to rub Sookie 's clit . " You should see how you look , " he purred . Sookie could feel herself opening to him , allowing him to move deeper within her . " The sight of my cock stretching you makes me hard as a rock . " Breandan 's fingers were talented and soon Sookie , too , was panting , arching , and pressing her feet against the bed to gain leverage , trying to take more of him . Breandan brought his hand to his mouth again , this time wetting his fingers , drawing them in and out of his mouth in a way that reminded Sookie of what was happening below . He reached over her and painted her nipples , which peaked in the slight chill of the room and then he pinched them before returning to pinch her clit . Breandan reached under her , massaging her other hole and her eyes flew open to look at him . Holding her eyes with his own , he pressed his finger into her , simulating the motion of his cock and Sookie found her breath hitching up another notch as she felt the coil of her orgasm building . She was getting tighter and tighter , and then Breandan 's hands grabbed her own as he stretched out over her . His hair fell around her , framing his face so he was all she saw . Everything was sensation and warmth . Every motion drove her higher and as she felt herself reach that endless crest , only to fall , her body clenching and shuddering , she glanced at her bureau mirror . She saw Breandan 's profile and his arms framing her . She saw his clenched jaw and the ripple of his muscles while he moved over her . She opened her mouth in a final , soundless cry and , in that same moment , he threw his head back and she saw his ears and they matched her own . For one long moment , he didn 't move , the muscles of his neck corded , his mouth open , and then he gasped , and he gasped again . Sookie could feel him pulsing within her . " I am yours , woman ! I am yours , " he groaned , and although Sookie felt uneasy about the reflection she saw , she also felt an unreasonable sense of rightness as Breandan collapsed on top of her and she wrapped her arms around him , cradling his head between her breasts . Share this : FacebookGoogleTwitterTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . 33 thoughts on " Chapter 8 - Nothing Ventured " murgatroid98 says : May 14 , 2017 at 1 : 30 pm Poor Michelle , her condition is hard on everyone . Sookie and Breandan had a nice night , some pleasure before things go bad . Eric is plotting something . He cares for Sookie . Great chapter . Reply Natsgirl says : May 14 , 2017 at 1 : 34 pm Breandan is forging bonds where he hadn 't planned . That will come back to haunt them . As for Eric ? He is plotting , but what he won 't expect is how thoughts of a certain person play into those plans . Reply valleystitcher says : May 14 , 2017 at 3 : 38 pm This chapter made me think of my mother and Her death . We were blessed with hospice care . I can 't imagine experiencing this type of care on my own . Reply Natsgirl says : May 14 , 2017 at 6 : 03 pm I also walked through this experience with my mother . We were fortunate to have her home , but it was very hard ! The love it takes to give this kind of care to another makes angels of us at points in our life . It is this ability to care for others that was the greatest gift my mother gave me . Reply GibsonGirl says : May 14 , 2017 at 6 : 34 pm Michele 's cancer and Sookie 's reality taught Breandan a lesson in empathy for others and took him away from the selfish life he exist in although temporary . I love how you made it ok for them to be together , this was something Sookie needed and Breandan was there for her when it counted ! You made Me want them to win but I know Breandan is not strong enough to go against his father so fate will allow Sookie to see who he truly is hopefully . It 's hard for a writer to make me want Sookie with someone other than Eric but you did it … which tells me that you are an exceptional one ! I 'm very curious to see where Eric will come into this story because he has a lot of ground to make up ! Reply Natsgirl says : May 16 , 2017 at 10 : 54 pm So right - he is not strong enough to be able to truly change his stripes ! He will feel brave in this moment , far away from his Father and all the other bad influences in his life , but it won 't take a moment after he returns to Ireland to remind him of who and what he is . Don 't feel too badly , though . Sookie needs to learn a few lessons too , and getting her training wheels in motion with Breandan isn 't a terrible way to start . Reply cicher2014 says : May 14 , 2017 at 7 : 43 pm As always , an absorbing chapter . You have an incredible talent for the details of life and the emotions that bring each character to life . I don 't always review diligently , but I eagerly look forward to each chapter every Sunday morning ! Thanks for the satisfying treat this Mother 's Day ! Reply teachert99 says : May 14 , 2017 at 7 : 56 pm Oh my god , oh my god , oh my god ! Wow , she saw his ears ! Well , I guess if she wasn 't going to make connections between her father and Breandon otherwise and if her mother isn 't able to explain the connections she experienced last night , this at least provides some evidence for her . But at this point , with everything happening to Michele , it may not matter to her . She is no longer just giving him a chance to prove himself and going on simple dates . She feels something . I don 't even know if she would mention to him that she saw his ears . So there is a part of me that has a difficult time seeing Sookie with others , and it 's interesting how my feelings for Breandon have shifted a bit in this chapter . I mean he experienced a lot of growth himself during this chapter , and proved to her that he is more than just someone to hang with for an escape from life 's difficulties . In fact , I liked how you revealed each part of that evening , especially his thoughts and the conversation between he and Michele . But , the larger plot is still happening and if he allows himself to get caught up in his feelings for Sookie , he may not only not like what 's going to happen , but not be powerful enough to prevent anything terrible happening to Sookie . Reply Natsgirl says : May 16 , 2017 at 10 : 59 pm Yup , she definitely saw those ears . She is starting to figure things out , now , but allow Sookie to enjoy some major sex head ! Also look for her true character to continue to peek through . She 's no soft belle , this Sookie . She isn 't afraid to take what she wants and hold her ground . No doubt , they are in difficult times . Michele is too ill to realize why she feels better , and Sookie ? Grateful ! She has help and someone to help her escape , if only in moments . Having someone who provides that to you during these kinds of times is priceless ! Reply mom2goalies says : May 15 , 2017 at 2 : 10 am Amazing chapter . So much happening between everyone ! Cannot wait to see how this plot fully unfolds Reply Natsgirl says : May 16 , 2017 at 11 : 01 pm Thank you for your patience ! It is a slow burner . I 've been listening to Irish acoustic music for months now . I love the fiddle and the way the songs lilt from one bridge to the next . It 's setting the cadence for the story . I wake up thinking of green , rolling hills and slow - moving banks of rain . The sun coming through rain in Ireland was so startling , it hurt my eyes ! Reply Natsgirl says : May 16 , 2017 at 11 : 03 pm Best of weeks to you too ! Don 't we tend to see that person we most wish when love is new ? For Michele , with her yearning , she can sense his Fae nature , and it reminds her of Corbett . Sookie , of course , sees him as he is . Reply valady1 says : May 15 , 2017 at 10 : 33 am You did something I didn 't expect , made me like Breandan . I know he is the villain in this piece ( well , junior grade as compared to his father ) , yet this chapter seems to show the man he could be if he were only strong enough to pull away from his father . It was also touching to see that Eric is worried about her and Rogan 's intentions . But he still does his job , doesn 't he ? A very complex situation , look forward to seeing it play out . Reply Natsgirl says : May 16 , 2017 at 11 : 06 pm Poor Breandan ! If only ! If only he were stronger ! If only he could forget his Father and stay in America ! If only he could make up his mind to run away with her ! But , of course , he can 't ! Eric is willing to step away , but don 't look for him to be giving up . He is doing his job , but he 's made a side deal that will ascertain he 's close when they make their way to Ireland . Eric knows a little something about Breandan , and he doesn 't believe for a second that Breandan is strong enough to not return to his Father ! Reply Patty Hudson Fullwood says : May 15 , 2017 at 1 : 16 pm I am torn between admiring Braendan , and wanting to throttle him . I 'd be careful if I were him . . He 's going to either fall hopelessly for Sookie or face the wrath of a pissed off Vampire . I loved this chapter and can 't wait for the next ! Reply Natsgirl says : May 16 , 2017 at 11 : 07 pm Or both ! Breandan , for all he 's very old , is not being too smart about this . Then again , it could be due , in some part , to Sookie ! She has some magic . Everyone assumes she 's harmless , but you know what they say about the word , ' assume . ' Reply desireecarbenell says : May 15 , 2017 at 2 : 49 pm Now I feel really bad for Breandan . He has it in him to be a really great guy . It is too bad that he will not be able to stand up to his father . At least that is the feeling I get . Right now there is no fae influence . So Breandan is able to really fully enjoy his time with Sookie . In this time and space Breandan ia allow to grow up a bit . When Breandan screws Sookie over he does not realize that Sookie will cut him from her life . That is really going to hurt him I think . I like how he was with Michele . . Great chapter as well . Reply Natsgirl says : May 16 , 2017 at 11 : 10 pm It 's like a moment in time for Breandan , he gets to be exactly who he wishes with no outside influence or judging family ! ! He is enjoying this , and enjoying who he is in this space , but as you point out - not enough to keep him from throwing it away when the time comes . Look for Breandan 's real and imagined slights to come sooner as opposed to later . He 's also someone who doesn 't ask enough . He prefers to make his own conclusions and not check them with anyone . It 's the kind of behavior that makes for an unhappy life . Reply redequus says : May 15 , 2017 at 3 : 04 pm Breandan is acting like a teenager . Lol . But I guess since he never had a childhood or experienced a ' high - school romance he 's not 100 % sure what to do and is over thinking everything ! Breandan and Eric ? No love lost there ! As we learn more about Breandan 's character the reasons will become clear . Eric admires courage , loyalty and clear commitments . It 's his code . Breandan lacks the moral character to measure up to the challenges that kind of life demands . Michele ? She is pushing her daughter into the arms of a virtual stranger based on instinct . Of course , Michele is in a terrible place - a fight for her life , but she is doing this more for her own peace than her daughters best interest . Not saying she 's a bad person . Her actions are understandable . Ah ! The Fae and household help ! Fairy tales are full of stories of the Fae providing domestic help , usually in exchange for food or favors . I suggest it 's simply instinct and doesn 't really cost Breandan anything , and in exchange , Sookies gratitude ushers him into her bed , so I 'd say he got his ! Reply suzymeinen says : May 15 , 2017 at 6 : 12 pm I can 't believe how much my feelings and thoughts about Breandan have changed . This was how we were supposedly expected to feel for Bill in the books but it never happened for me , he was always a slimy bastard . As for breandan here , I am starting to wish they could really be together . I think Sookie would encourage him to be a good man and they actually seem to fit . ( I can 't believe any writer made me think that ! Guess it shouldn 't surprise me it would be you ! ) But at the same time , he 's lied to her . Also , not sure she would get over the fact they are related 😜 That brings me to Eric . I know he 's not really sure what is going on but he 's not stepping up to do anything about it either . His pragmatic self preservation stopping him I presume . He does see the wonderful girl in front of him and is concerned for her , which is sweet , but right now I 'm not sure I even want him to interfere . ( I can 't believe I just said that ! My little shipper self is having a heart attack ! ) Reply Natsgirl says : May 18 , 2017 at 12 : 48 pm I did play a little fast and loose with Sookie canon . I wanted a Sookie still naive in some ways , but bold in others . She knows what she wants in terms of her life . She cares about others and she can be persuaded , but as long as she listens to her instincts , she is on firm ground . Breandan , like many flawed men , could be fixed if he 'd surrender to to friendship and love of a true partner in his life , but alas ! He will choose poorly in the end and , as his Father told him several chapters ago , he won 't realize what he 's lost until it 's gone . Eric ? He is holding to his code . He was hired to do a job . He is holding to his word . When he decides to throw his hat in the ring , he 'll be clear about that too ! Reply mindyb781 says : May 15 , 2017 at 11 : 54 pm I was trying and thinking how I should feel at the end of this chapter . You really had me wondering and pondering Breandan . At first I didn 't know if he was sincere . I don 't think his original intentions were , but I think something changed . You don 't help someone 's mom who is vomiting if you don 't care . His last line , " I 'm yours woman " ; made me really wonder . I fear the heartbreak will be great . Reply Natsgirl says : May 18 , 2017 at 1 : 01 pm Breandan is changing . He sees possibilities as you get the sense that if he truly followed this path , he 'd have a happy life . Unfortunately , making big life changes , like breaking from your Father and forging new paths takes courage . That 's where Breandan will fail . Look for him to take the easy road , and once he gets to Ireland , it wont be the road that has hi standing up for Sookie . ljhjelm says : May 16 , 2017 at 4 : 29 am I hope Breandan will not be a total villain . Eric is going to be her savior . Great chapter . |
I had one of those light bulb moments today , one where I had dug deep into my soul to sort out a conflict going on in my head . While I had already picked up Christmas Eve tickets for our home church , I have been quite disappointed in the lack of Christmas Carols over this advent season . For years we would sing nothing but Christmas carols throughout advent , Mrs . Chapple on the piano , singing our hearts out for His glory . This year and last year , however , while the sermon series ' have been great ( Christmas at the Movies - and last week we dissected It 's a Wonderful Life ) , I am missing the Christmas carols . However , I am constantly reminded of a message from a few months ago : " If you don 't like the music , you have six and a half days to listen to whatever you want . If you feel you aren 't being fed spiritually at church , you have six and a half days to feed yourself . " I really had to remind myself of our mandate : to find the lost souls and introduce them to the love of Jesus . For the unchurched , an old hymn or a Christmas carol might sound very foreign and stale ; it might have no impact on them whatsoever , and I need to remember that . A lost soul will be drawn to what they can relate to , and that is completely different than what I can relate to , having grown up with the knowledge that Jesus was always by my side . What cemented this in my brain was when I discussed it with Scott . Scott , who has never in his life wanted to attend a Christmas Eve service , and he said , " I want to see what OUR CHURCH does on Christmas Eve . " This isn 't just a church that the kids and I go to and Scott observes from the outside . He has claimed this church as OURS , and my heart jumps for joy . So even though our Christmas Eve will be filled with loud renditions of Christmas carols along with contemporary music , and my mom and dad will probably grimace at the noise , it is succeeding in reaching those lost souls ; that is evident when I hear Scott talk about this church . I am thankful , however , that the kids were able to see him on one of his last good days - we showed him my IPad and he wanted to buy one on which to type his memoirs . I thought it would be a great idea to buy him a handheld voice recorder - much easier than typing , but by the time I took it out to him , only one week later , he didn 't have the strength to use it . I don 't think even he realized how quickly this terrible disease was going to take him Home . When I visited the hospital on Sunday he was somewhat coherent , squeezing my hand tight and asking for water when his strength would allow , and I told him that I had seen grandma with Jesus and she was waiting for him , but that Jesus said it was not yet time . The last thing I said to him was , " Grandma 's waiting for you , you 'll be with her soon , you 're the best grandpa I could have ever hoped for . I love you grandpa , " and he responded , almost in audibly , " I love you Jo . " He then fell asleep and we left the hospital shortly after . I had one of those moments on Saturday night . Elizabeth had a gymnastics practice in Sherwood Park , and rather than watching a bunch of people twirling and tumbling for two hours , I decided to go visit my grandpa . I called him up , having to cut the phone call short because he couldn 't hear what I was saying , but I did know that he was thrilled that I was coming over . As I arrived through his front door , the first thing I noticed was his new chair . Since he returned from the hospital , he has been sleeping in an old green recliner , the one that was in my grandparents ' basement forever , because he was too uncomfortable sleeping flat on a bed . That chair was old and hard , and I don 't know how he slept in it ( apparently , not very well ) . His new chair , however , was like a fluffy cloud of comfort , and I could see the happiness on my grandpa 's face , joy that I hadn 't seen in a long time . The chair has a remote control so that he can lie back or stand up with no effort , and he said he hadn 't slept so well in years . We sat in his little room and watch the football game , eating cashews out of his big jar from Costco , and I asked if he felt like a cup of tea . He exclaimed , " I was just thinking how nice a cup of tea would be ! " I boiled the water , loaded the tray with sugar and a cup , and brought it over to his chair . He sat and drank tea with a smile , and for a moment I forgot all of the stresses of the past year ; it was just me and my grandpa having a cup of tea and watching the football game . As I left , I gave him a hug as I always do , but this time he held me close for a long time . He said , " Do you remember going to the Yukon ? " ( I didn 't , since I wasn 't yet three years old . ) He continued , " You sat in the back of the trailer and looked at me and waved . I have so many good memories ; I have lived a good life . " My grandma often had spoken about that day that we left for Whitehorse , how I just looked at them both as we drove away . My grandma and grandpa both lived full and happy lives , their legacy continuing on with children and grandchildren and great grandchildren . The moments that they are likely remembering are the moments that truly mattered in their long lives . It seems like through every stage of life there is a season . When we are in our 20s it seems like everyone we know is getting married . Then soon comes the season of children , when everyone we know is pregnant or chasing toddlers around their house . That gives way to the season of school , soon to be the season of graduation and then the season of going to the weddings of our children and their friends . Generation after generation , the seasons continue . But there are new , sad seasons that also come with age - the season of losing grandparents . I was lucky enough that my parents were young when I was born and I had a full set of grandparents and I had two great grandparents . As I grew older , my friends started losing their grandparents , and then there was the inevitable season of moving the grandparents , and it seemed like everyone I knew was dealing with immortality in their families in some fashion . And now I seem to be at the age where the season of cancer is dwelling like a black cloud behind a closet door . My first friend with cancer was diagnosed last week , and the prognosis is poor . I cried and prayed for her , for it was not fair - she has always given so much of herself to others . My cousins ' grandma had breast cancer at 91 , but sailed through a surgery and now seems to be okay . But my poor grandpa , so sad and lonely for the past few months , has now been sledgehammered with another tragedy - possible pancreatic and liver cancer . He has taken the news well , but even at the age of 89 his mortality staring him in the face is a frightening prospect . Yes , he will see grandma soon , but he wanted to write his memoirs , and now there will be so little time . He wants more coffee time with the boys , more time with his books and maps , and more time with his precious family . I thought we would have so much more time together , but it is looking like God has a different plan . I am so sad for my grandpa ; I saw him today and he is so heartbroken . I don 't think anyone of us can imagine what it is like to lose someone you have know for over 69 years . I was lucky enough , a couple of weeks ago , to hear him tell the story of when they met . I had heard it in pieces before , but never in so much detail , and his eyes shone as he spoke of that night . Grandpa was in Canada on duty for England in the Second World War , and he was stationed at Penhold in early 1944 . On Saturday nights , busses full of young ladies from Red Deer would travel to the base and the young ladies and the soldiers would dance the night away . One February night , my grandpa , barely 20 years old , spotted a beautiful young lady across the room and couldn 't believe she wasn 't dancing with anyone . He asked her to dance , and they spent the night together , dancing slowly and quickly , all of the dances of that era , and he said she was such a good dancer . At the end of the night , she went back to the bus , and he followed , not wanting her to go , and he said it was a cold night and he didn 't have a jacket on . She was wearing a big fur coat , and she opened it up and wrapped it around him . He said that was it , and he knew he would marry her . She came back in the bus every Saturday , and after 5 or 6 weeks of dancing , he asked her to marry him . Her response was , " I 'll have to ask my mum " , to which he replied , " Aren 't you old enough to decide ? Do you want to marry me ? " , and she said , " Yes , I think so , but you 'll have to ask mum . " Obviously her mother said yes , because they were married soon after , on May 12 , 1944 . They rest is history . When I was younger it was my grandma with whom I had long chats , and my grandpa and I would talk about soccer or play crib . Now I just visit to sit and listen to him , and some days , like a couple of weeks ago , he is in good spirits , full of happy memories . But today , he started to cry as he thought of her , and as I touched his shoulder , I realized how thin he had become , and how lonely he has been . My grandmother passed away in the early morning of June 16 , 2013 , and at the time , I wasn 't sad . I had been to visit the day before , after my dad called because my uncle had told him he should come up right away . Things couldn 't have been good , so as soon as my dad told me that , I headed to Sherwood Park myself , dropping whatever plans I had for that afternoon . I walked into their room and my grandpa and aunt were there ; my grandpa was busily working on a painting and couldn 't hear my knocks , but my aunt did . My grandma lay in the bed , eyes closed , breathing shallow , and I took her hand . I talked to her for a while , laughing about the past , praying as tears rolled down my eyes , knowing this was going to be the last time I saw her . I recited Psalm 23 and the last thing I said to her was that she would see her sisters Joan and Jerril soon , and to say hi to Jesus . When my aunt called me at 7 : 12 the next morning , I was on Skype with my sister , but I wasn 't surprised at the phone call . I had awoken with a start in the night , knowing that God had finally sent his angels down to take her away . They allowed my grandpa to say one last goodbye in the morning as he rose to use the washroom , and he prayed for them to take her , and they did . Those same angels that I prayed for God to send to my grandpa to protect him during his surgery a year ago ; and he woke up from his surgery , family waiting in the room , and said , " The angels on my shoulders took care of me . " The Sunday that my grandma died was Father 's Day , and it was business as usual . We went to church , went for brunch at the in - laws , but all the while I felt a hole in my heart , like a piece of me was gone . I can 't imagine how my grandpa felt and still feels . But there didn 't seem to be any tears left ; maybe I cried them all away as I saw her wither from my grandma in late February to a frail old lady by June . It was so little time , and it happened so quickly . But I had so many wonderful years with her , and maybe that 's why there were no tears . Thankful to God for giving me such a wonderful grandmother . I spoke at her funeral without a tear , wondering why I didn 't feel like crying , but it wasn 't a sad occasion , it was a happy one , because she had left her broken body to be in the Glory of Jesus . Who could cry about that ! The hole has remained , and I wondered why I hadn 't dreamt about her . I dreamt about Scott 's grandma the night after she died and she told me how wonderful heaven was , and she was so happy . I thought grandma might visit me once in a dream and tell me that she was okay . And last night I did dream about her ; I dreamt that I was at their house in Sherwood Park and she was on the phone , and I tried to tell her that she was calling from Heaven but she didn 't believe me and hung up on me . My grandparents have been in their Seniors ' Lodge for a few weeks now , and I decided to go visit them today now that the madness of tax season is over . I told my grandpa that he could go out and run some errands while I hung out with grandma , and he was happy to oblige . Of course , he could go out and run errands anyway , and the nurses would check on my grandma , but it breaks my heart to think she could be one of those seniors who just sits in their chair for hours , dozing , staring , not doing anything . Her knitting and sewing days are long over - sometime it seems a struggle for her just to remember how to use a fork . And so I sat , open box of Timbits beside her chair , and I watched as she dozed , coming in and out of dreams , and mentioning her sister Joan like she was there in the room with us . We didn 't talk about anything ; there 's not really much more to talk about . She has moments when she can answer questions , but a lot of the time she pauses while her poor brain tries to comprehend , and sometimes what comes out of her month isn 't even understandable . When grandpa asked if I would stay for lunch , beaming in anticipation , I could read in his eyes that it would be so nice to have a welcome distraction for a few more moments . I told him I would have to see what was on the menu ( I was worried it was going to be liver or cabbage ) , but to my surprise it was soup , ravioli and salad , and looked absolutely delicious . So he walked down to the office to buy me a ticket for lunch , and seemed so happy to have the company . Since grandma entered the hospital on March 2 , the change in environment and lack of familiar surroundings has caused a downward spiral that I would have never anticipated . In one month she has gone from , " Hi Jo " to " Who 's there , oh , hi Jo " to even more delayed recognition . My last visit was nice , but also sad , as she was tired and difficult to understand , and I put her to bed as I had back on March 6 , thinking of how our roles have reversed since my childhood . The past year may have been hard for us on the outside to deal with , but it allowed my grandparents to enjoy their time together , and kept my grandma in the stable environment that she needed . Now I wonder if she 'll ever bounce back . But then I remind my selfish self that no matter how badly I feel , my dad , aunt and uncle would feel even worse seeing their childhood home being emptied , and my grandpa would feel even worse than that . It 's a time to come together as a family , not wallow in my own pity party . I have years worth of fabulous memories and I am so thankful for that . Last week we were fortunate enough to be vacationing in Disneyland , and were also fortunate enough that it wasn 't too busy and the lineups were pretty short ( we walked right onto many rides ) . One ride that wasn 't very short was the lineup for the new Radiator Springs Racers ride . I had been watching crowd trackers and knew that the lineup for that ride is typically 2 - 3 hours , so when we arrived at the park and saw that it was " only " 90 minutes , we jumped into line ( much to Matthew 's chagrin ) . It actually only would have taken about 75 minutes but there was a breakdown , so that slowed things down a bit . However , we were fortunate - a guy I talked to later in the trip had been waiting 70 minutes in line one day , the ride broke down , and the whole crowd had to leave the lineup - I think Matthew would have had a major meltdown if that would have happened to us . I 've seen many complaints about the lines in Disneyland - in the summer it seems like 45 minutes is a short one . However , we need to get a little perspective . . . . we 're waiting in lines for rides people ! We have the money to enter the park in the first place ( getting pretty pricey , let me tell you ) , money to spend $ 50 on lunch , money to spend $ 3 . 75 on a measley churro ( essentially a long mini donut ) . We should be thankful that we have the opportunity to wait in such a line ! Last night was a very busy night at the Mustard Seed - the wind chill was brutal and it 's getting towards the end of the month , so people are running out of money . When I arrived at 7 the place was packed and there were people waiting to get in - some people would have waited at least an hour just to get food . When dinner was over and coffee was served , it was a half hour wait to get something from the coffee bar , and when we served leftovers , the line just grew longer . I reflected on the long line as I stood behind the coffee bar frantically trying to serve everyone ( luckily I had some help from one of my buddies from the community ) . I can 't imagine waiting that long with a grumbling stomach and a tired body , let alone waiting in the cold . An then I thought of the children in Rwanda who walked for six miles and stood in line for food . . . . because they didn 't know when they would eat next . The room wasn 't too hot - I didn 't feel that it was much hotter than the warm room . However , not realizing that Sandra was the teacher , when she came into the class , I thought , " Oh no . " Sandra is a crazy fitness instructor after my own heart - the first class of hers that I took ( aptly named " Grunt and Groan " ) , I almost left the room because I thought I was going to puke ( I didn 't ) . Of course , I came back for more torture the week after . Sandra 's yoga classes are not much better - very quick transitions , lots of planks , chaterungas ( I 'm sure that 's spelled wrong ) , and even deep squats . I wore a headband and there was still sweat dripping down my face , and my arms and legs were slippery with sweat . However , after it was over , I realized what a good workout it had been , and hadn 't been hard on my body like other " good workouts " tend to be . I am fortunate that I love the career I have chosen to support my family . I get to work with numbers all day , I get to meet with great people , and I get to give lots of free advice . I 'm a CA , and anyone who knows anything about accounting knows that this time of year gets stupidly busy . Even though I love what I do , I 've had a nagging feeling , or maybe a nagging from the Holy Spirit , that God has bigger plans for me in His kingdom , and while accounting is great to pay the bills , it 's not serving His Purpose . Of course , I 'm still waiting for the dream in which I am hanging out with Jesus and he tells me , " Jo , your Purpose is . . . . . . . " - somehow I don 't think that 's going to happen . What I do know is that every time I have accepted a new client in the past few months , a little voice says , " Do you really need another client ? Don 't you have enough ? Where do I fit in if you become consumed with work ? " It seems as if there is a neverending supply of people out there who need accountants , and I was starting to worry that if I didn 't start saying no to people , that I was going to become one of those accountants that I always complain about - accountants who don 't have time to give great service , accountants who lose track of who their clients are , accountants who don 't seem to care . I was also worried that work was going to start consuming my life again , like it did when I worked in the city , and I sure didn 't want to relive that nightmare ! But last night , I received a phone call from someone who needed their taxes done , and without thinking , I just said , " Unfortunately , I 've taken on all of the clients I can this year . " There ! Done ! No lightning bolts shot down from the sky , the house didn 't rumble and shake , my head didn 't explode , I just said no , and that 's it . I felt a little guilty afterwards , but then , driving to pick up Elizabeth from gymnastics , the message become loud and clear : You will now have enough time for Me . You will now have enough time for your Mission . I have put certain people in your path to show you how much you can care . Time to get to work . I have lived too long in a life where work has defined me , where a new client feeds my ego ( they want ME ! ) , where work makes me feel important . I still love what I do , but I do it to pay the bills , and there is so much more to be done . Wow God , you sure work in amazing ways ! Since I 'll probably ( hopefully ) look back at my yoga progress with chuckles , I thought I should comment on the improvement I noticed in my second Warm Yin Yoga class . Last week our first pose was a wide - legged child 's pose , knees apart towards the outsides of the mat , leaning forward with forehead down and arms stretched out . I couldn 't last the entire pose without bringing my knees together - it was to much for my hips to be in that wide pose for that long . However , this past Sunday I managed to stay down in child 's pose for the duration ! Near the end I had to employ some breathing techniques ( thanks Joyce ! ) , but I made it . Joyce ( my yoga instructor ) also commented this morning that she can see my hips opening a bit . . . . yay - I love to see progress ! Interestingly , since Joyce has been receiving complaints about her Yin poses , she didn 't do any this morning , and I felt out of sorts for the entire hour . There must be something about Yin that grounds me for the day . . . . I 'll have to look into that . I 've ordered a book on Yin - should go well with my Essential Ayurveda book . Speaking of which , it 's from that book that I found the best advice ever : Everyone who knows me would agree that I am not a person who should be put in a hot climate . I get fidgety , irritable , and downright cranky . When friends are discussing their plans to go to Mexico or Cuba for a winter getaway , I just dream about going to the mountains and walking around in the crisp , cool air . It should come as no surprise that this new craze known as " hot yoga " scares the bejeebers out of me ! However , as is usual in my life , logic always triumphs over fear . I am currently taking two yoga classes a week here in town , and long for the day when my body doesn 't feel broken down . My trainer told me the tales of her hot yoga experience , and while the thought of moving around in a room heated to 38 - 40 degrees is not my idea of a good time . . . . . EVER , I thought that maybe the " warm yoga " ( a mere 32 - 34 degrees ) might be okay . So my friend and I headed down the highway to a Sunday night Warm Yin Yoga class . Our instructor had a voice like maple syrup - flowing , dreamy , calming . Her postures were simple , yet effective , and very gentle . The air was hot , but I found it comforting , almost like being wrapped in a warm blanket . At the end , as everyone else was leaving , I just lay there , enjoying the silence and the heat . The class went by too fast and I can 't wait until the next one . I came home so relaxed and slept very well . I awoke at 5 : 15 feeling great and rolled out of bed for an am bootcamp - ish class . If Jo from two years ago visited Jo today in a time machine , she would not believe what I am about to say . I am writing this account in the hopes that I can look back on it in a year and chuckle , but I sure wasn 't chuckling last night . To start with , I couldn 't even get my feet into the right position , the instructor had to come over and help me , so with her help I was able to get my legs in a contorted position . Then she was expecting me to sit back . My butt cheeks were supposed to be touching the floor . I think the entire volume of the World Book Encyclopedia could have fit between my butt and the floor . So she put yoga blocks underneath so I could somewhat sit . Then she told me to lean forward . I looked at her like she was crazy , and showed her that I wasn 't able to lean forward . She then pulled out a huge bolster that I had to rest my head on . The whole time I was supposed to breathe , but I spent my time cursing my poor flexibility . I felt like a big loser with my blocks and bolster while everyone else in the class was leaner forward , and yes , with butt cheeks on the floor . Getting out of the position wasn 't much easier . And to top it all off my hips hurt when I woke up this morning . |
Lex squirmed trying to find a comfortable way to remain in the position that he was in . But then he realized with no small amount of chagrin that this position was not about comfort . He waited for Pop to start and he already felt the tears spilling down his cheeks . He made up his mind though that he would just take this like a man , but that decision was immediately called into question as he felt Pop 's hand tug down both his pajama pants and his boxers . Oh shit , this was going to be the real deal . How he wished he had just made the right choices and consequently missed this whole experience . He had no more time to contemplate the situation as he felt Pop 's hand land on his bare behind in a stinging smack . Damn it that hurt , and there was certainly much more to come . And he realized that he had without doubt earned it , and somehow that made it worse . He felt the farmer land a solid smack on the other side . The sting was already something to be reckoned with , and Pop was just warming up . " I want you to think about why this is happening Alexander . Because when it 's over we are going to discuss it , and if you don 't have the right answers there will be more . Understood ? " Lex just nodded his head not trusting himself to speak . He was torn between feeling guilt about what he had done and feeling apprehensive about what Pop was in the initial phases of doing . He couldn 't have spoken if his life depended on it . And so he did what he was told and thought about what it was that had landed him in this position . Lex walked into his condo and threw his leather over the shoulder book bag on the couch . It had been a long and tiring Friday . He thought that the classes were all long and most were actually boring . Lex didn 't mind courses as long as they were challenging , which none of today 's had been . Luckily he could have slept through this semester and still pulled decent grades . Which were of no consequence to him other than the knowledge that good grades made Mom and Pop happy and ultimately keep him from He looked over to see that there had apparently been messages left on his answering machine . He hit play and sat down on the couch to listen . " Hey Lex it 's Pop . I hope everything is going well with you and your new classes . Give me a call tomorrow and we can talk about it . Clark and Mom also want to talk to you . Remember we love you kiddo - bye . " Lex smiled and thought that Pop really must be a mind reader . The next message literally wiped the smile off of his face because it was from his father . " Lex it 's me . I 'm just calling to tell you that Andrew and Reginald are in town . I 'm sure that you will be receiving a call from Reginald . Regardless of what 's on your agenda I want you to make time to spend with him this evening . " As always Lionel only called when he wanted something . " It is imperative that you remember how key The Kingston family is to Luthor Corp . So if that means you need to baby sit young Kingston then so be it . But that shouldn 't present a problem for you son because the two of you are old friends . Ah I feel another evening of drinking and debauchery coming on , while you compare your hatred for your fathers . " Lex stared at the phone sickened by the contempt in his father 's voice and still he continued . " For once Lex don 't screw it up , whatever Reginald needs see that he has it . And make sure that the night doesn 't involve either or both of you being arrested . " With that pronouncement his father ended the message . Lex was still staring intently at the phone and thinking about what his father had told him . He had stopped expecting kindness from his father long ago but any more he couldn 't help but compare the hateful way that Lionel treated him to the way loving way that Pop did . It was true that Lex and Reggie had known each other for most of their lives and ordinarily he would have been excited to see his old friend . But Lex realized that in the last year of having the Kent family in his life that he had changed dramatically . He really no longer craved the wild life style that he had once had . He didn 't really even drink that much any more and hadn 't done any drugs in a very long time . Part of this was because he knew first hand what would happen if he did , but it went deeper than that . Lex knew that he had been searching for his place in the grand scheme of things . He had been searching for all the answers to the questions that all kids who grow up with little or no parental involvement ask themselves . And when his father was around there was nothing but disdain and hatred and physical abuse . The only time that Lionel wanted anything to do with him was times like today when he needed something from Lex . Before Lex had a chance to explore the situation any further the phone rang again . He grabbed it hoping that maybe it was Pop calling again . Lex could discuss the situation with him and he would be able to help him decide the best way to handle it . " Hello ? " " Hello Lex , this is Richard . Your father asked me to make sure that you had enough supplies for this evening . So I dropped by your condo and of course found that you had nothing . " Lex was sorry that he had picked up the phone . The last person in the world that he wanted to talk to was his father 's assistant . He had a long standing hatred of Richard who he was sure would have sold his own mother if it meant getting into Lionel 's good graces . " And when you ' dropped by ' my condo how in the hell did you get in ? " Lex inquired through gritted teeth . " With a key of course how else would you think I got in ? Looking at your complete lack of anything alcoholic makes me wonder just what is going on in that little bald head of yours . " Lex took a deep breath trying to calm the vision that he was having of putting his fist into Richards face . " Anyway I had the liquor store stock your bar , and the deli around the street delivered some of Reginald 's favorite snack food . So the only question that remains is did you need any additional entertainment - say a certain thing that Reginald has a fondness for or do you still at least have a stash of that ? " Again Lex was amazed by Richards 's nerve . " Why , if I said I didn 't would you be a good little lap dog and run down to the corner and score for me ? " Lex could tell that he hit a bulls eye with that comment by the long pause . " Unlike you Lex , I like to make sure that I do what ever your father asks of me . I guess that accounts for the fact that he prefers me to you . Although I would have thought with you being his own son and all that it would have been the other way around . " Lex grimaced as the bastard actually chuckled . " Oh really I thought that the reason he liked you better was because you always have your face attached to his ass . " He paused for the indignant exclamation that he had known was coming . " Good bye Richard and make damn sure you throw away your key to this place because I 'll have a locksmith here within the hour to change the lock . " Having said that , he hung up the phone . " Ah the privileges of being a Luthor having someone willing to go out and buy your drugs for you " Lex said to the empty apartment . he phone rang again and Lex seriously considered not answering it , but he knew that it was probably Reggie and it was . hey talked for a few minutes with Lex giving him the address and them setting a time . hen he got off of the phone he had to admit that even with all the changes that he had made , it still felt good to talk to his old friend . Lex and Reggie had agreed to meet at the condo at seven o ' clock . That gave Lex about three hours until his guest would arrive . The first thing he did was to call a locksmith and offer him triple his usual fee if he would come and install new locks . He also asked for a special security lock and key that could not be duplicated . He knew that if his father wanted in he would do what ever it took to get in but at least it made him feel better that he was making it as difficult as possible . He then showered and changed into a very expensive pair of designer black linen slacks and a light violet shirt . He couldn 't have Reggie and his father thinking that Lionel couldn 't afford the finest clothes for his son . He laughed to himself as he thought that he should have worn the pants and heavy shirt that he always wore when he and Pop mucked out the stalls in the barn . Lex walked over to the bar and saw that Richard had apparently bought out a liquor store . If Pop were to come in and find him with all this alcohol he would be dead for sure . Well at least the bottles were unopened . And as far as the ' certain thing that Reginald has a fondness for ' went , he also didn 't have any of that . Reggie had a real love of cocaine . Being that his father was one of the richest men in England he could afford such indulgences . But Lex hadn 't done any drugs in a long time and didn 't intend to restart now . He was sure that Reggie would have more than enough for several people with him . Lex stared out at the beautiful scene of the sun setting on the city and thought about his life . There were times when he felt as if he lived two totally separate lives . His father thought that it was perfectly all right to have his assistant call him and ask if he needed any cocaine to please the son of one of his associates . The other father figure in his life was strict and held him accountable for his mistakes and to the family rules , going so far as actually spanking him if he deserved it . Opposite ends of the spectrum for sure . Even though he felt as if his lives were completely different he never seemed to have a problem deciding which one was real and which was false . He had never felt any love from his biological father and he knew that he never would . And the Kent 's loved him with everything that they had and he knew that he was hanging on to that love like a man thrown a life line in a tsunami . But because of these stark differences in the two areas of his life he had the most trouble when this situation arose . When he was called upon to be the old Lex . He was not the same angry , lost , explosive time bomb that he once had been . The old Lex tried to drown out his pain with drugs , alcohol and even sex . The new Lex wasn 't walking the same tightrope any more and had little need for the excesses that had filled his life before . And try as he might he couldn 't convince himself that it would work if he just pretended that he hadn 't changed . He almost felt as if one could see the changes just by looking at him . He hoped that Reggie would accept the new Lex because he really wasn 't going to put on a dog and pony show for anyone - and not especially for Lionel . But if Reggie didn 't accept the changes then so be it . Because Lex wasn 't about to pretend for anyone , and duplicity was Lionel 's game - not his . While he was waiting for the locksmith he spread his homework out on the dining room table and started on it . Doing something that was mundane and routine really helped him to relax . And being that his classes were very easy for him , he actually had it all finished by the time the new locks were installed . He put it all back into his over the shoulder bag and put that away in his bedroom . No sense advertising that he was turning into an honest to God student . Then he made some preparations for his guest . He set some food out on the coffee table in the living room and opened up a bottle of Bombay gin and sliced both lemons and limes . Lex also opened the bottle of nine year old Bookers Nob Creek bourbon and set out shot glasses and made sure there was cola . Although he knew that he wouldn 't be drinking he didn 't want Reggie to know that . And it gave him something to do . He couldn 't believe that he was nervous but he was , and that feeling was unusual for him . Before he knew it , seven o ' clock had arrived and Reggie was ringing the doorbell . He threw open the door and a real smile lit up his features . " Reggie , damn it 's good to see you . " He pulled the Englishman to him in a returned embrace and led him into the living room . " Nice place Lex , although I must say that I wasn 't expecting any less . And look at all the provisions already set out . Do you have a shapely and beautiful housekeeper that I can personally thank ? " Reggie said this with a leer and Lex had to laugh at how some things never change . " No afraid not Reg , unless you want to hug me again . " Reggie smiled back at him . " I hope you don 't mind if I pass on that old chum once was quite sufficient . " They both laughed as they sat down and immediately started in on the small feast on the coffee table . Much to Lex 's surprise and delight it didn 't seem that different then when they used to get together . They spent the first hour eating and catching up on each others lives . Reggie was one year ahead of Lex in an exclusive college in England and was also being groomed to take over his fathers businesses some time in the future . And just like Lionel , Reggie 's father was a king of industry who refused to fail . It made no difference what it took - he would prevail . And like Lionel if he had to use people to do that he really had no problem with that concept . And while Lex really had nothing but disdain for Andrew he genuinely thought of Reggie as his friend . They simply had always had too much in common to ignore . Or at least they used to have a lot in common . " And now that I 'm no longer famished how about a little refreshment ? " Lex knew that moment of truth had arrived . " I 'm not really ready yet but let me get you something . Let 's see gin and tonic with lime correct ? " Reggie smiled and shook his head yes as Lex went to make and then bring him his beverage . When he sat back down they continued to catch up on each others lives . And Reggie continued to drink . Finally Reggie went over to the bar area and poured two bourbons and coke and brought one to Lex . " Here let 's drink to friendship . " Lex looked at the drink in his hand knowing just how much trouble it could get him into . He looked up to find Reggie starting at him with a half smile on his face . " If I didn 't know better Luthor I would think that you 've turned into a choir boy on me . " Issuing a challenge to Lex was not unlike waving a red flag in front of a bull . He took the drink from Reggie 's hand and drank it quickly and then immediately was overcome with regret . But he realized that it did ease his anxiety and he thought to himself that it was only one little drink right ? So he got up and made them each another . It wasn 't like Mom or Pop would know about this and he wasn 't driving either . It was somewhere around the fourth set of drinks that he made for them that Reggie brought out the cocaine . Even as inebriated as he was , Lex knew that he didn 't want to use cocaine tonight or any other night . " Good stuff Lex , I brought it especially for you . You have to try it ; it will rock your world . " Lex noted that Reggie laid out his cocaine paraphernalia and proceeded to snort and then motioned for Lex to do the same . Lex stood up and walked to the bar and this time didn 't bother with the coke or the bourbon he simply poured two shots of Jose Cuervo Gold tequila and brought them to the table . " I think if you don 't mind I 'll stick with this as my drug of choice tonight Reg . " Lex threw back the shot and sucked on a lime wedge . " It 's your funeral old boy . You know no good ever comes of you drinking tequila , and mixing it with bourbon you 're going to wish you were dead tomorrow . " Lex smirked and handed a shot to Reggie . " If I didn 't know better Reg I 'd think you turned into a choir boy - or a wuss . " Lex laughed as Reggie gave him the finger and downed the shot of tequila . The phone rang and as Lex stood back up again he realized just how drunk he was becoming . The room swayed slightly as he walked over to the phone . " Hullo ? " " Lex is that you ? " Oh shit it was Pop , Lex tried to pull it together with everything that he had . " Uh yeah I was just sleepin alittle bit . " Oh god please let him believe that . " Well Martha and I are unexpectedly in Metropolis and we thought we would stop by to say hello if you don 't mind . " Lex felt like the tequila was going to come right back up again . " I juss have a headache and I think I better juss go back to bed or somethin . " Lex could feel Pop 's suspicious mind working that over . " Okay Lex if you 're sure ? " Lex fought the urge to giggle - oh I 'm sure all right . I 'm sure that having you anywhere near me before I sober up is a way bad idea . A small laugh escaped him . " Lex are you sure that you are okay ? " " Yup juss thought of somethin funny that 's all . " " We will call again in the morning son , try to get some sleep . " Lex said goodbye and put the phone down and congratulated himself on that close call . He walked back to the couch and with a more sober disposition realized that he needed to stop drinking right now . " Hey Reg wanna order some dinner from thiss fabolus Thai place around the corner ? They deliver . " Reggie laughed at Lex " Only if you mean fabulous Lex . " " Yea thass what I said , wasn 't it ? " Reggie shook his head no and they both gave in and laughed until their sides ached . They called and placed their order and Reggie continued to drink and again tried to share his coke with Lex . Lex was pouring water into his shot glass and pretending to drink tequila and Reggie was far enough gone that he didn 't question it . Lex was still pretty inebriated but he was beginning to feel slightly better . The doorbell rang and Lex was glad that the food had arrived because he knew that would help neutralize the alcohol even more . He stood up and even though the room still swayed it wasn 't as bad as before . He walked to the door and threw it open reaching for his wallet . And he found himself staring into the faces of Jonathon and Martha Kent . For a minute Lex thought he was going to throw up on Pop 's shoes . " Well I can see that we were worried for nothing Lex . It doesn 't look to me like your sick at all . " Lex felt the blood rush to his face and realized that he had just been caught red handed by the one person who he would have wanted to keep this from . Lex heard Reggie call from the other room " Bloody hell Lex how long does it take to answer the door ? " Pop looked at Lex with a stern expression . " You have company Lex ? " Lex didn 't trust himself to speak so he merely nodded . " Is he drinking also ? " Even though he had drunk quite a lot Lex still realized that this was a trick question and if he answered it he was going to hang himself , but what the hell ? " Yes he is . " Jonathon nodded and put his hand on Lex 's shoulder . " You have until midnight to make sure that he is gone . And whatever you do don 't let him drive himself home . " Maybe it was the alcohol but Lex just didn 't understand . " Whas gonna happen at midnight ? " " I 'll be back . " And having said that , he and Mom turned and walked down the stairs . Jonathon turned and looked at Lex . " And if I were you Alexander I would be damn sure that I did as I was told . Understand ? " Oh shit both his full name and a swear word in one sentence . Lex felt his hands shaking . " Yes sir . " Lex just stood there watching their retreating backs as if it had been a dream . Actually more along the lines of a nightmare . He was still standing there a minute later when the delivery boy came into view . " Dude did you order Thai ? " Lex just woodenly nodded his head . " Let 's see that 'll be twenty seven fifty . " Lex reached into his wallet and handed the kid a fifty . " Hey dude I don 't have change for a fifty . " Lex responded by just shutting the door in the kids face . He could hear the kid on the other side yelling thanks . He took the food and walked into the living room . " Jesus Lex , I thought maybe you went to Thailand for the food . " Lex just laughed although he still wasn 't completely sure that he wasn 't going to throw up . And suddenly he didn 't feel so drunk anymore either . He went into the kitchen to get plates and put a pot of coffee on knowing that he needed to try and drink as much of it as possible before Pop came back . He also drank a glass of water which he fought to keep down . Carrying the plates and cutlery for their meal he walked back into the living room where Reggie already had the cartons open . Instead of smelling appetizing Lex thought for sure again that he was going to throw up . " Smells damn good mate ! " Lex wondered how it was that Reggie had drunk as much as he had and had been snorting cocaine and still wasn 't even slurring his words . Then he realized that Reggie was used to drinking and drugging like this and Lex wasn 't anymore . Lex forced his food down and Reggie ate like it was his last meal . Finally Reggie went to go the bathroom and Lex headed for the phone in the kitchen . He looked up and then dialed Richards 's number . " Hello Richard thiss is Lex . " Lex heard him chuckle , " Are you drunk Lex well thank heavens that you at least got that right . " ex was losing his patience . Look I need you to have a car here complete with a girl at eleven o ' clock tonight . very , very beautiful girl who has blond hair . eggie always loved blonds . nd then have the car take them to some trendy club or something . " " And what about you Lex ? Weren 't you asked to baby - sit Reggie tonight ? What would you like me to tell your father about this ? And while we 're at it , why would I ever help you ? " Lex sat down on the stool at the breakfast bar . " I 'll tell Reggie I have a migraine headache and I don 't give a fuck whas you tell my father . And you are gonna help me because it 's your damn job to do whas Luthor 's tell you to do . Or I could juss tell the old man how you used your position at Luthor Enterprises to force just about every gay man on the payroll to sleep with you . Lord knows they wouldn 't have if they had a choice . " " Why you little prick . " ex could hear the fury in Richards 's voice and while he would have loved to continue to taunt him he knew it served no purpose , and he tried a different approach . Okay then juss think how much fun you 're gonna have tomorrow telling the old man how you saved all our asses again because I 'm suss a fuck up . " ex could almost hear the wheels in Richards head spinning . Yes Lex that does sound like a lot of fun for me . o because of that and only that I 'll do it . nd you really are a fuck up Lex . " It takes one to know one Richie . " ex was not surprised to hear the phone being slammed down in his ear . ut he didn 't care because he at least knew that Richard would do what Lex had told him to do and Reggie would be gone by the time Pop returned . Walking back into the living room he saw that Reggie had set out more shots for them both . Looking at the clock on the table in the foyer Lex realized that it was already ten thirty and he needed to tell Reggie what was going on . " So Luthor when are we headed out clubbing and to find the fairer sex ? If this turns out like that time in Barcelona it 'll take me a week to recover " Lex shook his head . " Look Reg , I suddenly got a hell of a migraine headache and I don 't think I 'm up to another evening like that one was . " Reggie smiled a warm smile and Lex was confused . " Is it a girl Lex - are you in love ? Is that why you 're not drinking much and why you turned down the coke and why you don 't want to go out and stay out all night ? " Lex shook his head no . " C ' mon mate we have been friends since we were wee ones , what is going on with you . You can tell me , it won 't go any further - I swear Lex . " Lex struggled with telling Reggie a lie , while what he really wanted to do was tell him the truth and if anything the alcohol only loosened his tongue . " Look I can 't explain it very well I juss have a family now . " Reggie looked shocked , " Like a kid ? " Lex shook his head and thought maybe the migraine thing was not such a lie because he could feel a headache lurking behind his eyes even as he spoke , " No Reggie like a real Mom and Dad and even a brosher . I can 't say how it happened or even why but they love me and get upset if I do stupid shit like drugs . " Much to Lex 's surprise Reggie looked wistful . " And you do family dinners and Christmas and all that crap ? " Lex laughed and nodded his head . " Yep and Pop gets upset if my grades are lousy and Mom cooks for me and all that stuff . And loss of times they tell me how proud of me they are , but probably not tonight . " Lex wished in his somewhat drunken state that he could explain it better than that . " Wait a bloody minute was that the pair that came to the door before ? " Lex thought he must be slipping because he hadn 't even noticed that Reggie had seen them . He nodded yes in response to Reggie 's question and the Englishman began to laugh . " Wass so funny Reg ? " " He seemed rather pissed Lex ; he must have his hands full with you for a son . " Lex didn 't respond to that remark because it knew it to be true . " Does Lionel know any of this ? " " Not mush and I would like to keep it that way . You know how he is . " Reggie nodded this time . " Just like my old man - he doesn 't really want to be a father but he doesn 't want anyone else to be close either , and he 's as dangerous as a snake if he is crossed . " They might have continued to talk but it was at that moment the doorbell rang and Lex stood up and swayed slightly and went to the door . One thing was for sure Richard had earned his paycheck today because the girl standing there in the shortest skirt Lex had ever seen was gorgeous . If Lex hadn 't had a lot of experience he never would have guessed that she was a prostitute . But looking closely Lex could see the harshness around her eyes and mouth . " Hiya handsome are you Reggie ? " She wrapped her arm around Lex 's waist and he pulled out of the embrace and led her into the living room and handed her off to Reggie . " I just hope this makes up for me bailing buddy . " Reggie didn 't even take his eyes off of the beautiful blond when he responded to Lex . " Bloody hell Lex bail on me all you like . I won 't even notice that you 're gone . Come along now beautiful creature , the night life awaits us . " They all walked to the door and Lex pulled Reggie aside again . " Here are the keys and address to the Luthor Corp . condo juss in case she gives you the time of day and you need a place . It was really great seeing you again Reg and call me if you 're in the States any time soon . " The two embraced again and Reggie looked at Lex with a smile on his face " Good luck with the whole family thing Lex I 'd love to stick around and hear you talk yourself out of this one with your new furious Daddy but duty calls . And this just proves what I 've thought my whole life - that you are the luckiest bastard I have ever seen . " Lex watched them walk down the steps and he felt anything but lucky . He knew that Pop was furious and with good reason and he also knew just what was going to probably happen now . His stomach was still rebelling due to the alcohol he had drunk . He quickly went into the bathroom barely making it before he threw up twice . He then brushed his teeth and went into the kitchen feeling slightly better . He managed to keep down a glass of water but his head was beginning to pound . He sat at the breakfast bar and thought about how tonight had gone so wrong . The pounding in his head got even louder and after a few minutes he realized that someone was knocking on the door . He went to the door and opened it to find himself once again face to face with Pop who if the expression on his face was any indication , was as angry as he had been earlier . " Is your friend gone Lex ? " Lex nodded that he was and Pop walked into the condo . Lex just stood there as if in a daze and Pop closed the door and taking a firm grip on Lex 's upper arm propelled him back into the kitchen . Looking at the half empty coffee pot he turned towards Lex . " Is this fresh ? " Again Lex nodded . " Have you been drinking it ? " " Yes sir , what I can keep down I have . " Pop motioned for Lex to have a seat at the breakfast bar and began making two slices of toast and poured Lex both a cup of coffee and a glass of water . Lex looked towards the toaster . " I don 't think I can eat that . " Jonathon looked resolute . " Oh you 'll eat it all right . " Shit this was going to be even worse than Lex had thought . He was really glad that he had a high tolerance for alcohol because at least Pop wouldn 't know exactly how much he had drunk . He was still feeling woozy but at least his slurring was improving . Lex felt a wave of nausea as Pop placed the dry toast in front of him . " Take a few sips of the water first son . " Lex fought the tears that sprang to his eyes at being called son and for once did as he was told . After he knew for sure that the water would stay down he picked up a slice of toast and took as small a bite as humanly possible . He looked to Pop to see if he was going to try and force him to eat more but he only saw encouragement on his face . " I know it 's hard , your stomach doesn 't want to accept it , but you need to eat it anyway . I have been in the place you 're in many times Lex , I know how you feel . " Lex looked up hoping against hope that if Pop had gotten drunk before then maybe he would understand and not punish him and as if Pop could read his mind his next words crushed that hope . " But not before I was legally old enough to drink . And if I had been on the receiving end of the last spanking you received for just this thing , I sure would have thought twice about repeating the mistake again tonight . " Lex pushed the plate with the toast aside and laid his head down on the table . " Less juss do it now and get it over with . " It almost looked to him like Pop was trying not to smile . He felt the farmer 's hands on his shoulders and they lightly massaged his neck . " Not tonight Lex , you are still far too inebriated we will deal with this tomorrow . I 'm staying the night so that I can keep an eye on you . Martha went on home to Clark . We will join them tomorrow after we have our little talk . " Lex looked at Pop again and tried to change his mind . " Please I juss hate for you to be mad at me - why can 't we juss do it now ? " Lex saw the stubborn look cross Pop 's features and he knew that there would be no changing his mind . " We can 't do it now because you are clearly not up to it . And I want your mind to be sharp and clear so that you can commit every single stinging swat to memory so that I don 't have to repeat this lesson again . " Le swallowed hard at the way Pop emphasized the words and looked down at his toast . " O fuck . " Fo once Pop didn 't call him on his language and Lex continued to pick at the toast and sip the water . Hi head was still pounding and after he had eaten most of one piece of toast Pop gave him two aspirins which he must have brought with him as Lex knew that he had none in the condo . Fi ally he felt Pop pull him to standing and turn him in the direction of his bedroom . Wi h a good grip on his upper arm again Pop accompanied Lex into his room . Going through his dresser Pop found a pair of pajama bottoms and helped Lex take off his shoes and get his trousers and shirt off . Then Lex managed to actually put the pajama bottoms on and Pop held the covers open so that Lex could climb in . He covered Lex up and sat on the edge of the bed next to him . Lex felt his eyes fill with tears as they spilled down his face . " I 'm sorry that I 'm suss a terrible son . " If possible he thought he might have made Pop madder . " You are a great son Lex . You just seem to need a lot of reminders about what the rules are . " Lex dried his face off and chuckled " I juss hate your reminders . " Jonathon smiled fondly at Lex and tucked him in . " Get some rest tomorrow is going to be a hard day . " Lex swore that he wouldn 't be able to sleep but as soon as he closed his eyes he was out for the night . Lex was having a strange dream that someone was trying to cut into his forehead with a rusty saw . And then there were the jungle drums beating in the background . " Lex it 's ten o ' clock , time to get up now . " He opened his eyes and groaned . Holy shit why did his head hurt so bad , and why was Pop here ? Then he remembered last night and everything about it . He wondered if he could just hide under the covers and maybe Pop would just give up and go away . " You have ten minutes to brush your teeth , wash your face do whatever else needs to be done and get your butt out here . " Apparently Pop wasn 't going anywhere . Lex sat up and immediately put his hands to his head . Had he really been drinking both bourbon and tequila - what , was he insane ? He did as Pop had told him as gently as possible and as quietly as possible because even though he was no longer asleep he was still hearing the jungle drums . He opened the door and walked into the living room where Pop was sitting on the couch . He must have been awake for some time because the entire room had been cleaned and all the alcohol was back behind the bar . Pop motioned for Lex to sit down on the couch and went into the kitchen . Lex chose a spot as far away from where Pop had been sitting as possible . Pop returned with more toast and two more aspirins and a cup of coffee . " I want you to eat this toast and drink the coffee and then you can have the aspirins . " Lex did as he was told and the toast seemed to not want to go down but he washed it down with the coffee and only gagged twice . Pop sat back down on the couch . " Tell me exactly what happened last night and don 't leave anything out , and I want the truth Lex . " Lex could tell from the look on his face that he meant business . He started by telling him about Lionel 's phone call and demand and even let him listen to the message . " So you and Reggie have been friends for most of your lives then ? " Lex nodded his head yes . " And I take it that you often got into trouble together then ? " Again Lex nodded . Lex could tell from Pop 's expression that he didn 't understand the friendship . " We have always had a lot in common because his father is very much the same as Lionel . And I guess we both understood how it felt to be raised by a father who only cared about power and money . " This time Jonathon nodded and Lex went on to tell him about the phone call from Richard and how all the alcohol got into the house . He left out Richard 's offer to buy drugs for them because he knew if Pop knew about that he would go postal . " When all of this was going down Lex why didn 't you call home ? We might have been able to help you sort this out . " Lex wished with everything he had that he had called home for help . " It all just happened so fast . When Richard called I thought it was you calling back and I was so glad because I knew that you would have some suggestions . But after that call and I knew that I had enough liquor for a mini - mart here I was afraid to call . " Lex was near tears and Jonathon reached over and lifted his chin up . " As long as you tell us the truth Lex you never have anything to be afraid of son . " He told him about having the locks changed and Reggie 's call and doing his homework and getting ready for Reggie to arrive . He explained that he had really tried not to drink , but finally he had succumbed to the challenge Reggie had presented and had started drinking bourbon , and then eventually tequila . Pop just shook his head at this admission . " You mixed bourbon and tequila Lex ? Were you trying to make yourself ill ? " Lex wondered about that himself . " And then you called and I lied about being asleep and then you showed up because you were worried about me . And I wasn 't sick I was drunk . Then I called Richard and had him send a car and a girl for Reggie and he did and they left . And you know the rest . " Lex 's heart was about to beat out of his chest but he couldn 't tell Pop the real truth . " Yes sir , I swear . " Jonathon stood up and reached into his pants pocket and took something out . " Then how in the hell do you explain this then ? " Lex looked down at Pop 's open hand and saw the small vial that had held Reggie 's cocaine . Lex closed his eyes and wished that he were dead . " Was it yours ? " Lex could feel tears already sliding down his face . " No sir . " " What was in here ? " " Cocaine , Reggie brought it . He always liked drugs . In the past I have done my fair share of illegal substances too . " Pop 's gaze cut through him like a knife . " In the past Lex ? " " I swear I didn 't do any last night - I haven 't since you 've been around . I know how you feel about drinking and I know how badly I got my ass beat last time I did that , I would never do drugs . You would kill me . And besides I just haven 't felt the need for that stuff since we 've been a family . " Pop looked at Lex as if he didn 't believe him and Lex became frantic . " I swear to you I didn 't do any drugs last night . " Lex noticed that Pop had tears in his own eyes now . " That might be a little easier to believe Lex if you hadn 't just lied to me and added a pretty little ' I swear ' to the end of it . " Lex put his head into his hands and gave into the urge to cry . And Pop just stood there and let him cry , no comforting hand on the shoulder or anything . Lex knew there was a really strong possibility that he had ruined everything by not being honest with Pop when he had the chance . " Reggie tried several times last night to get me to snort cocaine with him . I didn 't - please you have to believe me . I didn 't even really want to drink but I just couldn 't resist the temptation , but please believe I refused the cocaine . I could go to the free clinic and use another name and have them do a blood test for drugs . They could do several I swear to you I 'm clean . I don 't do drugs anymore . Please don 't stop loving me because I lied to you and didn 't tell you about the cocaine . " Pop sat down on the couch and hugged Lex who was sobbing again and he let him cry for a few minutes . " No one is going to stop loving you Alexander . Not now and not ever . Lying to me about the drugs was a very stupid mistake and one which we will address shortly . But for what ever reason I believe that you 're not taking drugs . What I don 't understand is why didn 't you just tell me the truth when I asked ? " " Because I didn 't want you to think badly of Reggie , he 's using drugs and alcohol to try and fill a void in himself . Probably because no one has ever really loved him . He 's never had the kind of love that you and Mom have given to me . " Jonathon smiled at Lex . " Well your about to be on the receiving end of some serious love son . " Lex was so glad that Pop believed him that while he didn 't want to be punished , he would accept what ever he had coming gladly . Well maybe not gladly - but he would accept it . Pop gave Lex one more hug and taking his arm positioned him across his lap with Lex 's upper body and head resting on the couch . Lex was thankful for that at least as the thought of his head hanging down right now was enough to make him sick again . And in as much as he knew that he deserved this he hated this position and everything that happened to him while he was in this position , and today was not looking too promising . Lex laid his head down on the couch and sobbed . Pop had just administered a pretty hard spanking on his bare butt no less , and now his headache was the least of his problems . " Why did I just spank you Lex ? " There were several answers and Lex hoped like hell that he had picked the right one . " Because I drank last night . " " That 's right son and what is the next one going to be for ? " Oh shit - the next one ? " Because I lied to you on the phone , and then I didn 't tell you about the cocaine ? " " That 's right Lex ; every time you decide to lie to us I want you to remember this . " Lex felt him unbuckle his belt and he started to cry even harder . That would explain why Pop didn 't let him get up because it wasn 't over yet . The only thing Lex hated worse that being spanked was being spanked with the belt . It hurt like hell and his butt already felt like there was a fire back there . He felt Pop get a tighter grip on his waist and way before he was ready he brought the belt down hard . Lex let out a loud anguished wail but it didn 't stop what was happening to him . Each lick was so hard and it stung so badly that Lex could do nothing but cry . And Pop was giving him this punishment with no time in between licks either . Lex tried to stay still and just take it but the force behind the swats was something to be reckoned with . Soon he was both squirming trying to avoid the belt and sobbing as hard as he could . Pop gave him a particularly harsh swat and put the belt down . " Do you think you ever are going to lie to me again son ? " Lex could barely speak because he was still crying so hard . " No sir . " Pop then gave Lex five more hard swats with his hand which Lex thought hurt as badly as the belt had . He continued to sob into the couch cushion and he felt Pop rubbing his back . He hoped with everything he had that it was over because he knew he couldn 't take any more . He felt Pop pull up both his boxers and his pajama bottoms and help him to his feet . He felt himself being pulled into a hard hug and he continued to wail while Pop tried to comfort him . He tried several times to tell Pop that he was sorry but the farmer kept telling him to hush and just kept hugging him . Lex felt so emotionally raw and every part of him was sore . He didn 't know if it was from the spanking or the alcohol or what but he felt like he would never be able to stop crying . As if Pop sensed his discomfort he led him back to his room and gestured for Lex to climb back into bed . " But I thought we were going home this morning ? Don 't you want me to go to the farm with you ? " Having asked that question Lex felt another emotional storm coming on and he began to weep again . " Of course you 're coming home with me Lex , right after you have about a two hour nap . You 're exhausted and hung over and I imagine your butt is hurting like hell about now . We can go home after you 've gotten some rest , now get into this bed right now ! " Lex obeyed and crawled in on his stomach . Pop pulled the covers over him and sat down on the bed next to him and rubbed his back . " No drinking until you are twenty one years old and no drugs ever . " Lex nodded his tired head . " And this had damn well better be the last time you ever lie to me or I will spank you until you can 't sit without a pillow for a month of Sundays . " Lex started to cry again and Pop resumed rubbing his back . " I 'm so sorry " Hey , I know that you 're sorry and it 's all over now so please close your eyes for a few minutes okay . e love you Lex and you really are a good person . " Lex thought that even though every part of him hurt that maybe he would close his eyes for just a second or two . He couldn 't believe that he hadn 't just told Pop the truth . He should have realized that Pop would have been on his side . He closed his eyes and within moments he was asleep . Jonathon walked back into the living room and sat wearily down on the couch . He had hated with all his heart punishing Lex but he had had no real choice in the matter . It was important to he and Martha that both boys developed a strong sense of right and wrong . Unfortunately they had gotten a rather late start with Lex and were still working through that . Jonathon felt as if he was a hundred years old . He had so hoped that Lex would trust him enough to tell him the truth about the drugs . When Lex had looked him dead in the face and lied it had cut through Jonathon like a knife . He had known right then and there that he needed to make a point that Lex wouldn 't soon forget . For some reason he knew that Lex hadn 't used drugs last night . It might just be a gut reaction but in the course of his life he had learned to trust his gut . And he knew that Lex never would have volunteered to take a drug test if he had been using drugs . Jonathon searched for and found Lex 's keys and used them to let himself out of the condo . He took a small walk around the corner to a deli and bought a cup of coffee and a breakfast sandwich which he ate while reading the newspaper . When he left the deli he noticed that the sky was cloudless and blue and it looked like the start of a beautiful day . He walked back to Lex 's condo and used Lex 's keys to open the door . He was walking toward the phone with the intention of calling Martha and telling her all about this morning . He had talked to her once last night already and knew that she had gotten safely home . Before he got to the phone it rang and Lex must have had his answering machine set up to pick up after only one ring because he was a light sleeper . After listening to Lex 's message he heard the menacing voice of Lionel Luthor . " Well Lex are you sleeping off your pretend migraine ? It is amazing to me that someone with your genetic material is such a total waste of human space . One fucking thing that I ask of you just one . ust spend the evening with Reginald doing the things that you two have always done . rinking and drugs and whatever else it took to make the son of one of Luthor Corps most valuable allies happy . " Jonathon could hear the venom in Lionel voice . " And can you do that - oh no . Thank God that Richard saved the day for me . As always you are nothing but a huge disappointment to me and of absolutely no value . I am ashamed to even call you my son . " With that he slammed down the phone and ended the tirade and left Jonathon standing and staring at the phone . Fury ran like blood through the farmers veins at the hateful and unjust way Lionel had just attempted to hurt Lex . Jonathon waited a moment for the red haze to clear and wished with all that he had to have ten minutes alone with Lionel . Making the point to Lionel that maybe asking your underage son to go out drinking and drugging for the good of your company might just be immoral , sounded good to Jonathon . He would like nothing better than to make that point by putting his fist into Lionel 's face a lot . Jonathon reached the phone in two steps and found the erase button and erased the message . He realized that his face was wet with tears and he reached up and wiped them off on the back of his hand . " Pop ? " Jonathon turned around to see a pale Lex standing in the doorway of his bedroom . " It 's all right I heard . It isn 't anything I haven 't heard a million times before . But thanks for erasing it . " Jonathon didn 't trust himself to speak yet . " But isn 't that kind of like a lie ? I mean erasing the message with you thinking I was still sleeping and all . " The farmer found himself at an unusual loss for words at the truth in what Lex had just said . After all he had just spanked the boy for the same thing telling a lie . I was making a parental decision to protect you from something that might harm you , and yes it was sort of like a lie . ut there was a big difference between that and what you did . " onathon hoped he sounded convincing . And besides didn 't I tell you to go to bed for a few hours ? " e put his stern father face on and hoped it worked . I couldn 't sleep my butt was hurting way too much . very time I feel asleep I would roll over onto my back and then wake myself up again . an 't we just get ready and go home now ? " ex sounded like Clark used to when he was about six and used to beg to go Pete 's house in the summer . Go and take a shower and I 'll call Mom and tell her that we 're leaving within the hour . " onathon was delighted to see a smile on Lex 's tired face . ex turned to go back into his room and Jonathon spoke to his retreating back . Your father is wrong Lex . e has some serious issues and I don 't think that he 's capable of loving anyone . artha and I are proud to call you our son . " ex turned to look at Jonathon " Thanks Pop I love you guys too and maybe on the way back to Smallville you can tell me again how that wasn 't a lie . seem to be a little foggy on that . " Jonathon couldn 't help the smile that crept across his features . " Get your ass in that shower now Alexander ! " Lex was also smiling and then he got serious . " Pop can you drive the Porsche today ; I don 't think I 'll be too comfortable driving . " Jonathon nodded . " I think I could do that . Go on and shower and get dressed . " Jonathon walked to the phone to call Martha and tell her that they were coming home . |
Remember that song , " Mama said there 'd be days like this " ? If my life were a TV show , that would be the name of today 's episode . I got up this morning , after a rough night of sleep , and my first order of business was to wake the boys up to get ready for school . Jamie has been sick this week , and stayed home yesterday and the day before , but he seemed to be doing well so this morning I went ahead and woke him up . As I fed them breakfast , I tried to get their school bags ready and packed . That was problem number one . Micah 's backpack was missing completely . I had his clipboard , but no back pack and no lunch kit . I also had no library book , which he was supposed to return today . Jamie 's day planner was missing from his backpack , and they use it every day at school . Fine . I decided I would deal with making their lunches first , and then deal with all the missing stuff . I got out the peanut butter , the jam and the honey . ( Yes , all of my boys eat peanut butter sandwiches every single day at school . For now , it is still allowed because none of the kids there are allergic to peanuts . ) Next , I looked for the bread . Oh . It was empty . Okay , I checked the fridge freezer . No bread . I knew there was still the deep freeze downstairs , but at that point I was worried . It seemed to me that there was no bread in the downstairs freezer , but we checked anyway . No bread . I should have gone back to bed at that point and sent all three boys to theirs . I decided to send them to school without lunches and I would somehow get food to them before lunch time . I got everyone on the bus at 7 : 30 a . m . , as usual , and hurried back to the house so I wouldn 't lose my entire blood supply to mosquitos . ( For the record , it is extremely abnormal for us to have mosquitos at this time of year , but they are flourishing , and ruining our best deck weather ! ) I decided I could make a loaf of bread just in time to make three sandwiches and drive them to the school . The school 's lunch starts early , at 11 : 30 ( or 11 : 20 , I can never remember which ) , so I knew I was pressed for time . I started making the bread immediately , even though my bed was begging me to crawl back under the covers . As I mixed the dough in my KitchenAid , I admit , I was feeling like a bit of a conquering hero . Yes , I allowed us to run completely out of bread . But look at me . I was baking a loaf of fresh bread for my children . I was like a wife from the fifties . ( Wait , you mean there are other wives this century who bake fresh bread for their families ? Whatever . Okay , I was feeling like one of those modern day wives who bakes bread for her family . ) The bread has eight ingredients . I put the first four in first , then I put the milk , oil and eggs in a measuring cup until I was ready to add them . After that , it was just the flour . Once all the ingredients were being tossed about by my stainless steel dough hook , I was feeling somewhat satisfied that I was going to get it done by my deadline . Until I noticed the texture of the dough starting to look a little . . . off . Something was wrong . It looked more like batter than dough . I wracked my brain for what I could have done wrong , and then it hit me . One egg . The recipe called for one egg , a fact that I repeated to myself multiple times while preparing the ingredients . And then I proceeded to add two eggs . I added flour to try to salvage the dough , and I even entertained notions that my two - egg bread would turn into the best recipe anyone had ever tasted . People near and far would ask me the secret to my especially incredible homemade bread , but I would smile and say , " The secret 's in the sauce . " No I wouldn 't . That 's just a line from a movie . Points if you can tell me which one . Bottom line : I knew at this point that even though my bread was going to be a smashing success , I couldn 't risk it . I was going to have to go to the store with Lauren . The town is only about seven minutes from here , but I didn 't want to drive to town , buy bread , drive home , make three sandwiches , drive back to town , drop off three lunches , and then come home again . Lauren gets grumpy if you keep sticking her in her car seat over and over again . So I had a better idea . I packed a cutting board , three pieces of wax paper , a tupperware container full of peanut butter , a smaller tupperware container of honey , and a smaller tupperware container yet of jam . Then I packed two spreading knives ( one as backup in case I dropped the first one ) , and all three lunch kits , and Lauren and I went to the store . Buying bread was uneventful . Well , Lauren did run me over multiple times with the tiny shopping cart she was pushing , and I did almost pass out when I saw the price of Wonder Bread . ( $ 3 . 99 per loaf ? ? It 's a Wonder I stayed conscious ! ) Then we went back to the truck and I pulled over somewhere I hoped no prying townspeople 's eyes would see me , and I made sandwiches from the driver 's seat . It was awkward with the steering wheel in my way , but I got it done . I even remembered the wax paper , which impressed me . We went to the school , and Lauren carried Cody 's lunch kit while I carried the other two . We went to the kindergarten room first . Did I mention this was the second time in less than a week that I had to bring Micah 's lunch to the school ? The first time I forgot it on the counter and found it after he got on the bus . It 's possible that was on Tuesday , his only other Kindergarten day this week . But I can 't even remember . Jamie was next , and things went downhill at that point . Jamie saw me there and began begging me to take him home . He said he was okay , but then he said he wouldn 't make it through the whole day . Then he said he was embarrassed every time he coughed . I felt his forehead . It felt warm to me , but I have a history of being completely unreliable for checking foreheads for fevers . In the end , he begged and nearly cried , but like a cruel and heartless person , I told him he had to stay there , and I left him . I did talk to his teacher and she said she 'd check on him after lunch . I told her to call me if I needed to pick him up , and I told him the same thing . But I still felt like such a jerk all the way home . I remember grade one . I remember feeling scared and vulnerable , and wishing I could have my mom pick me up and take me home every day . I hate knowing he is feeling that way and forcing him to endure it anyway . But that 's life . We can 't rescue our kids from every hardship or they will never grow . But I felt terrible anyway . In fact , I still do . But nobody has called me , so I have to assume he is okay . Incidentally , my bread was not ready on time to have gotten sandwiches to the school . Also , it is huge . And the texture is still off . I have affectionately named it Spongebread Square - pan , though technically the pan was a rectangle . It would have been perfect for me during my last pregnancy . You can read about that here . feeling a little inferior to their buddies . I took some pictures . This first one is one of the ones that Jamie found on the carpet . Judging by where he was , he was out of the water for a much shorter period than his unfortunate buddies . You can see here he has made it to the top of the water . Here 's the show - off , that was actually left behind in the first place . The second snail is catching up . I think I 'll name him Turbo . He 's closing in . They are neck in neck . Wait , that 's complicated when all they have are necks . Here are the unfortunate other two . I wish I could have posted video , but they are definitely alive down there . I just don 't know how much longer that will be the case . Poor things . motion , checking things out around them . I brought the boys in to observe them . This is how a non - homeschooling mom home schools her kids . ( Because we all homeschool our kids , even those who send them to school . ) But oh , it turns out , snails stink . That 's what I learned today . UPDATE : This just in . All four snails have scaled the glass . I have placed a loose fitting lid over the top so we will have no more escapees , but all of them are either on the " ceiling " or near it . Also , I have just been informed that their names are as follows : Slimy , Sticky , Slimy - Bottom , and Wormy . Nice . Sometimes I seriously wonder how my children are still alive . The things they do completely blow my mind . Today , it is rainy and dreary outside , for the second consecutive day . Rainy weather does not stop the Dynamic Duo . After lunch , I put Lauren to bed for her nap and Jamie and Micah donned their rubber boots ( that 's progress ) , and their jackets . I told them not to shout on the deck , seeing it 's right outside Lauren 's window . They assured me they wouldn 't be on the deck . At that moment , a tiny voice in my head was trying to tell me something . Sure , I wondered what they might be doing down in the very wet yard , but I wanted to do my workout , and having them out of the house was the perfect opportunity to do it without being interrupted and annoyed by them . So I silenced the voice and I enjoyed a 25 minute workout in the comfort ( and for once , silence ) of my own living room . Being a mom , I knew I couldn 't just ignore them completely for 25 minutes , so as I exercised , I frequently moved to the bay window and scanned the yard for them . Ah ! There they were . They have invented a new game . It 's similar to tobogganing , but of course , with the snow gone , they needed new equipment . It turns out , the jogging stroller makes a great ride - on toy . They were taking turns riding it down the ridge , which isn 't that steep anymore , but it 's a big enough slope to make for a fun ride . I shook my head and continued with my workout . A few minutes later I checked again . They were down the old driveway , which is now beginning to flood again . Now I was concerned . But they were still just pushing each other in the stroller , and they weren 't in the water , so it was still okay . At the end of my workout , I looked again . I didn 't see the stroller . The boys were making some kind of path IN the deep water ( I 'm talking deeper than their boots , but not deep enough to swim in ) out of metal duct work pieces . Yikes ! I ran onto the deck and shouted for them to get out of there . They didn 't listen . Micah walked the " path " , which sank , of course , and I watched as the water went over top of his boots . Lovely . They came back to the house after that to change out of their wet clothes , and then came the really disturbing part . No , not Micah 's naked dance , though that was up there too . Micah told me Jamie made him drink water out of that puddle , but he spit it out . Maybe some day I will laugh at this , but seriously , he could get really , really sick from that water ! I am horrified . Even our well water , which is down underground where it is well filtered by the sand , tested unsafe to drink . I really hope he didn 't swallow any , and I hope he will be okay . These are the moments when I feel like I 'm losing my mind . I don 't even have anything more to say about it . I am just praying that God will protect and preserve these kids , because I can 't seem to keep them out of trouble . Last time I posted in here , it was supposed to be my very first day with all three boys in school for the whole day , and just Lauren at home with me . That was thwarted thanks to a stomach bug that Micah got in the middle of the night . ( He was over it very quickly , by the way . ) But on Thursday , we tried again and all three boys got on the bus at 7 : 30 a . m . , leaving me with just Lauren for the whole day . I have to tell you , I had mixed emotions . Micah is my last boy , so he is kind of my baby , still , even though he is four and a half . It was hard to send him off to school for the whole day , even though I knew he would be fine . But at the same time , having only Lauren here made me want to shout long and loud off the deck , " FREEEEEEE - DOMMMMMMMM ! " Okay , that 's a little exaggerated , but I honestly felt so liberated . It wasn 't necessarily just the absence of Micah that changed things for me , because having just Micah and Lauren is not that difficult . But when Micah was doing half days at school , I had to drive him there at lunch time , which meant an early , rushed lunch , and dragging Lauren in and out of the van . It wasn 't horrible , just a little bit of a hassle . And because we live out of town , it meant that any trips to the city were impossible because I didn 't have enough time in the morning or in the afternoon on Micah 's school days . As for the other days , well , no way was I taking Jamie and Micah together to town with Lauren . Normally , I don 't have a burning desire to drive to the city , but around here our snow is finally starting to melt , and I think some of us Manitobans lose it a little , after being stir - crazy for so long . So , I took Lauren to town . We went shopping in Walmart for rubber boots for the boys and runners for Lauren , and then we went and got a few groceries at Safeway . ( Yes , Mom , I said Safeway . But just a few groceries , not the bulk of them . ) The sun was shining , the air was fresh , Lauren was perfectly behaved . . . It was glorious . I realized that my life just got a lot easier , at least every second day . I miss my little Micah when he 's gone , but the quiet really does my soul good . My life changed in another way last week . I finished my book on Saturday . No , not a book I was reading . A book I was writing . I can 't tell you how elated that made me . And then I didn 't know what to do with myself . In truth , I have been ignoring my family , my chores , this blog , pretty much everything and living in an alternate world . Now that it is finished , I feel a little lost . It 's not really finished , because I have to start editing now , but the first draft is done , and that is a first for me . So I am ignoring it completely for a few weeks before I start working on it again , just so I can approach it with a fresh perspective . That means I might just have time to blog again . Haha . Today is the first day of school after spring break . Last year at this time , Jamie had just gotten on the bus for his very first full day of Junior Kindergarten and I was worried about how he would handle it . Sure enough , he came home with a migraine and nearly threw up three times . I didn 't put him back in full days for a while , though I don 't remember how long . Last night I was worrying about my little Micah starting full days today . After all , Micah is only four . Jamie and Cody were both five when they started full days . I was nervous , but I prepared to send him . Only just before 2 a . m . , Micah threw up in his bed . It seems school holidays are nearly always a disaster for us health - wise . Cody was sick from Wednesday until now , though he was not throwing up . Today was supposed to be my very first ever full day alone with Lauren . I was somewhat sad about it , and also looking forward to it . It was going to be quiet and easy . Now . . . well , now I have anxiety about stomach issues . Micah slept all night and is still sleeping , since the one incident . I am hoping it will be mild today as well , or that he is even over it after the one time . I am worried that Lauren will get it . Anyway , I have decided that spring break is overrated . This actually happens to us every year , or so it seems . Maybe this is premature , but I can 't wait for summer break . Lauren is crying , so it 's time for me to sign off . I hope I will find her healthy in there . Posted by I 'm on my own again with the kids , as Mike is off on a ski trip with his students . The kids are all sleeping , and I was supposed to have a fabulous evening of working on my book , but I have been completely thwarted , and I 'm feeling a little down . I am so close to being done my book , but there are so many tiny details that are preventing me from writing the ending . So instead of having a therapeutic evening of writing , all by myself , I have found myself researching those details and coming up empty , and therefore writing basically nothing . I hope it 's not going to take me another year just to finish the first draft . On a different note , tomorrow is Cody 's last day of school before spring break . The other two had theirs today . I know a lot of moms dread spring break , because they get no break from their kids , but I am looking forward to it . A week of not having to drag myself out of bed before 7 a . m . to make lunches , pack school bags and whisper yell at my kid ( s ) to eat , get dressed , get their ski pants on , get out the door to the bus . . . etc . A week of no watching anxiously out my window to see whether Mike gets them down the driveway to the bus on time . Best of all , it means I have Mike home for a week with me , so I have back - up . I 'm hoping for a nice family time , but we 'll see . Let me make a quick confession in here . I have always loved birthdays , but I am really bad at them . I am bad at getting cards in the mail on time to friends and family . And I am bad at planning birthday parties for my own kids . Cody 's birthday is in five days , and I have nothing planned . He wants a huge party , but I just don 't want every kid in his class and on his hockey team here . He wanted a skating party at the rink , but I think it is shut down now , so that 's out . We tried to convince him to have a small party , with only three or four friends , but he can 't decide who he would invite . So we are left with either just our little ( big ? ) family , or all his cousins . He doesn 't really seem pumped about either option . He wants his school friends , but again , he doesn 't even know who to invite . I find the whole thing stressful , and I am heaped with guilt . Jamie has never had a party , and he told all his classmates ( all five of them ) that he would invite them all to his party . We are always barfing on his birthday , so he doesn 't get parties . Poor kid . He thinks next year he will . We 'll see . Micah doesn 't care yet , and of course , Lauren doesn 't either , but I really feel bad about Cody . I don 't know what we will do yet , but I guess we 'll see . I have tried to get Mike to help me figure out a plan , but I am not getting much assistance there . Anyway , I 'm getting stressed out now , and it 's getting late . Just thought I 'd check in , seeing I 'm on my own here . ( With a sick cat on antibiotics . Did I mention that ? ) I 'm off to bed . March has been an interesting month for us . The tournament I posted about in my last post was a four day affair , and for us , ended with a bang . It was extremely cold outside , and the van wouldn 't start on the Sunday morning of the boys ' last game , so Mike took all three in his Subaru and left me with Lauren to wait for the battery to charge so we could go too . Half an hour later , we did get it going , so we were all at the last game , but with two separate vehicles . On the way home , I took Lauren and Micah , and Mike took Cody and Jamie in his Subaru . We traveled together for most of the trip home , but then Mike took a short cut on gravel . Earlier , he had advised me not to take that route , because the road was not in good condition ( i . e . : ice , snow drifts . . . etc . ) , and he knew I was not as confident with winter driving as him . So I stuck to the longer , safer route . When I got home , he was not there . I checked my phone , thinking maybe he had stopped somewhere with the boys , but what I saw were two text messages from him , telling me he had flipped the car , and that they were all okay but the vehicle was upside down in the ditch . It 's hard to describe the feelings that come over you when you get that kind of news . I felt sick , and shaky . I was already home , so we went inside and Lauren napped as usual , but I just wanted my family home so I could hug them . Mike 's dad drove out there and stayed with them so they could sit in a warm vehicle while they waited for a tow truck to arrive . It was a long time before they got home , but they did get home , and none of them hurt at all . I was , and am , so thankful . I could have lost half my family that day . So March really did come in like a lion for us . Yes , March 1st was - 50 outside , and March 3rd we wrote off our second vehicle . Financially , it was not good timing for us , but having our kids ( and Mike ) safe minimized the financial blow . Since then , things have been back to normal here , but I have been too busy for this blog . I 'm working feverishly on my book , and I 'm at the very end , which is the hardest part , it turns out . So whenever I have a moment to myself , it 's my book I 'm working on , and not this blog . Don 't worry , Mike is getting ignored too , it 's not just my readers . . . if I have any left . Hopefully it will all be worth it , if I can finish the book and by some miracle , get published some day . Here we are in the last week of March , and we still have a ton of snow , and it 's still - 21 with the windchill . But this is the last week of school before spring break , and that means good things are coming . Actually , Cody 's birthday is in just over a week , and we have done no planning for it whatsoever . Yikes . Next week is also fair week , which is one of my favourite weeks of the year . It has definitely surpassed Christmas . ( But that 's not much of a leap for me anymore . ) Today is Friday , the last day of the week . It 's also the last day of February . Those are both good things . Really , what could be better ? Normally , this would leave me feeling energized , excited , even . Not today . This February has been a particularly desperate month , as per tradition , really . January and February are always hellish parenting months when you live in a place that has harsh winters like ours . This year has been the worst winter of my entire life , weather - wise , and I 'm not exaggerating . The normal temperatures for this time of year are supposed to be a high of - 5 C . Right now we are sitting at - 20 , but with the windchill , it feels like - 38 . Tomorrow , we are expecting a windchill of - 50 . Seriously . On the first day of March . Us Manitobans are no wimps when it comes to weather , so we will grit our teeth and hold on until things warm up a little , but the weather is only a part of my exhaustion today . Our boys are involved in a major hockey tournament this weekend . Well , as major as it can get for " squirts " , the youngest teams in minor hockey . I 'm not a good hockey mom . I know this because I am the only one who didn 't want to participate in this tournament . I was concerned about the well - being of my boys . It started last night , a Thursday night , after they both had a full day of school . They had a game at 6 : 30 p . m . in a town that was an hour and fifteen minutes away from us . On top of that , the game was way late starting , so they didn 't even make it home until 10 p . m . That alone was completely unacceptable to me . ( This is a bit of a rant . . . sorry . ) Part of the reason I 'm so uptight about getting my kids to bed on time is because I worry about them getting run down and getting sick . I hoped Jamie would be all right because he didn 't have school the next day ( today ) , but guess what ? He started barfing at 6 : 30 this morning . Cody went to school , but I confess , I 'm worried about him now too . He had no symptoms this morning , but he is exhausted . I ran around trying to pack his lunch and his bag , while running back to the bathroom to help my sick kid . I also realized last night I had forgotten about Jump Rope For Heart , which was this afternoon for Cody , and we hadn 't gotten any donations yet . Another mommy fail . Now , I 'm trying to contain a bored Micah , and Jamie , who feels better enough to also be bored , while trying to deal with the fact that Lauren is on some kind of sleep strike and spends her nap yelling , " MOMMY ! " I just sat down for a break , but soon I will need to start making supper , and I haven 't had a single quiet moment yet today , thanks to Lauren 's lack of nap . She 's still in bed , though , because I just washed the kitchen floor and I don 't want her running around on it while it 's still wet . Jamie and Micah are whispering , and that means they are doing something they shouldn 't be . They don 't whisper for my sake or for Lauren 's . This is a typical day around here in some ways . I go from one thing to the next , never quite accomplishing enough , and I wish desperately for a little time of silence . Cody will be here in about 25 minutes , and then things are bound to get ugly . He is running on very little sleep , and there isn 't much chance he will be amiable when he arrives . I just hope he 's not sick . I 'd rather deal with a bear than another barfing kid . Tomorrow , in the - 50 weather , we are supposed to be traveling to the tournament again for a game at 10 a . m . and another game sometime to be announced later in the day . Then , from what I understand , there will be a final game on Sunday . I guess February is going out with a bang , and March is certainly coming in like a lion . In our corner of the world , we long for spring . The sun is beautiful and warm , and the house is bright , but outside is nearly unbearable and this little family is done . So I am hanging on for warmer days . My posts in here have been infrequent due partly to sheer busyness , but also due to my reluctance to simply dump in here . Looks like I did it anyway . Sorry about that . On the upside , my house is getting cleaner and cleaner these days , and that is enough to boost my mood exponentially . ( Yes , this is my mood when it 's boosted . ) Hopefully I will have funner posts in March . For now , I have to sign off and fold some laundry . Stay warm , everybody . Well , the update is not good , so I 'll make this short . Yesterday , while playing hockey in the basement ( strictly forbidden , other than mini - hockey ) , in the TV room ( a room completely off limits to the kids ) , one of the boys smashed our 52 inch plasma TV . At least I think it 's 52 inches , but that 's pretty much beside the point . I can 't even begin to describe the emotions I have been feeling since then , and perhaps it 's best if I don 't . Suffice it to say , I am way past the end of my rope . I am falling , and I can only hope there is something soft to land on . This is not really about a TV . It 's about the complete and utter inability ( or is it refusal ? ) to follow simple rules . Was it an accident ? Yes . Could it have happened to anybody ? Anybody breaking two rules at the same time , yes . Everybody is alive . Nobody is hurt . But I feel crushed . I am obviously not cut out for this . I can 't teach them . I 've tried . I 've tried so very hard , but they just don 't get it . Or they don 't care . Or both , I don 't know . All I know is , I am invisible . I am inaudible . I am inconsequential . What other explanation is there ? And that is all I can say in here . I am simply too upset to continue , so I will go dump on my main character and make her life as miserable as I can , while I work on the final chapters in my book . Happy Valentine 's Day , everyone . Yep , I 'm on my own with all four kids , and I wish I could say it 's going well . Mike is out of town , and even though he didn 't technically leave until after work today , I was still the only parent here all day , so this round will be a full three days on my own . Today , I got the van stuck in a snow bank . I couldn 't believe it . Thankfully , that happened before Mike had finished work for the day , so he dropped in here briefly and pulled the van out with the tractor before grabbing his overnight bag and leaving . I don 't like it when Mike leaves . I 've always been kind of a wimp that way . The truth is , I don 't mind alone time . In fact , I 'm kind of excited about my evenings , because I am right at the end of the book I 'm writing and I really want to get it done . But I struggle with fear when Mike is travelling , particularly in the winter . Today , we are getting hit with a winter storm . The timing is bad , and not just because Mike had to travel through some of it . Now I 'm here on my own and I don 't know how to run the tractor , so if we get a ton of snow ( we have a snowfall warning in effect right now ) , I can 't clear the driveway . I don 't want to get stuck again . Part of me would love to just say , " Oh well . I 'll just stay home and not bother taking Micah to school on Friday . " ( The other two take the bus , so that 's not an issue . ) But Friday evening , Cody and Jamie have a hockey game . I have to take all four kids to the rink and get two of them in their hockey equipment on time for the start of the game . Then I have to work at the door . I was supposed to work that whole time , but because Mike will not be there to dress them , someone is covering for me for the first part . So I 'm a little stressed about my time alone . Today , not only did I get the van stuck , but one of the kids also plugged the toilet , and I 'm not very good with a plunger . Now , I 'm enjoying the quiet in the house , as everyone is sleeping ( even the pets ) except for me . But outside the wind is howling , and not long ago I had to run out and get the garbage cans , which were blowing all over the deck , sounding like thunder . This is a very disjointed post , but I 'm going to get back to my other writing now . Perhaps I will update tomorrow . Here 's hoping the next two days are smooth sailing . Goodnight . I am not a superstitious person . Even though people say things happen in threes , I don 't buy into that or any other superstition . Having said that , this will be my third consecutive post about the trouble winter has brought on for us , each one worse than the last . First we had our " snow day " ; a school cancellation due to the ridiculously cold and intense weather we were having . That was on Monday last week . Then on Wednesday , Mike got his vehicle stuck in the deep snow and had to take mine , so I was without wheels for the day , causing Micah to miss a second day of school . Here is the truth of the matter . Those two scenarios ? Fun , followed by inconvenient . Yes , snow days are fun . Well , unless you 're having one of those desperate days where you need your kids to be in school for the day . But we were not , and Mike got the snow day too , so that was an extra bonus for all of us . And then to have no vehicle for all of Wednesday ? Technically that is inconvenient , but let me confess something to you . That day was nearly as cold as the Monday that school was cancelled , so I was secretly quite relieved to not have to drag myself , Micah and Lauren out . We enjoyed a stress - free day at home . I wish I could say that our third predicament was as inconsequential as the first two . It was not . It still isn 't . It happened on Thursday afternoon . When Mike got home from work , he asked me how long the septic pump had been running . I didn 't know , though I thought maybe it had been a while . I don 't generally consider it in my housewife duties to notice the mechanical functions in the house , so I don 't really pay much attention to the pumps . Other than in a crisis , where I have been instructed to do so . Turns out it was a crisis . Our septic tank was not getting pumped out , though the pump was running . This set in motion an evening of frenzied activity , accompanied by the inability to let any water go down the drain . No baths for the boys or for Lauren . No dishes could be washed . No laundry could be done . Dare I mention flushing toilets ? Excess water down the drain would cause the whole system to back up into our basement floor . Goody . Because Mike is still somewhat incapacitated with his knee , I was the one who got to trek out in the snow to the ejector . ( That 's exactly what it sounds like . ) The snow was over my knees , and I was falling all over the place . It was also dark , and I had to go quite far . It was not fun . My complete incompetence in all things plumbing did not help matters . I accomplished nothing other than filling Mike 's winter boots with snow ( I had to wear his because they are much taller than mine , and even still the snow was well above them ) , and getting a little exercise . What happened that evening is a very long story . Let me sum it up like this . Mike 's brother came over and was here until 1 a . m . trying to fix our system with Mike . They were not successful . We may have to dig up our entire system , a process that would likely cost thousands of dollars . They rigged a temporary fix , which will hopefully get us through the winter . Then we will have to implement some kind of permanent solution in the spring . The house smelled like sewage , though we did not get much backup in the basement , thankfully . All day Friday I still couldn 't do laundry or dishes , not to mention shower . Everything is running now , though not in the best way . I won 't describe the details in here . On the surface , everything seems the same , so life is back to normal , for now . We suspect our system froze under the ground , though that should never happen . With the extreme deep freeze this year , it is possible the frost level went deeper than normal under the ground . Who knows ? Anyway , I have two boys here , one of whom is beginning to act bored , and the other who I strongly suspect is into trouble in the basement . In addition to that , I have a girl who has boycotted her nap , yet again . So it 's time for me to run . Here 's hoping things really do happen in threes and I don 't have another winter crisis to report in here . Our deep freeze rages on , and this morning winter brought on a new problem for our family . In all fairness , the weather is not the only factor at play in our current situation . It all started when Mike had his surgery . You see , he was unable to drive our tractor at that time , and as such , when snow came down , we had to rely on other people to bail us out , so to speak . I am happy to report that Mike is now capable of operating the tractor . The problem is , apparently it is broken , so his first ( and only ) time driving the tractor , he drove it straight to the farm , and there it has remained awaiting parts which are on order . He drove it there last Friday , I think . Whatever day it was , it was the day we were expecting a terrible winter storm . Indeed , the weather got ugly , and we got quite a bit of snow , which left us unplowed , with no tractor . Mike 's dad and brother both offered to clear our driveway for us , but Mike didn 't think we would need it . He figured we 'd make it out okay until we got the tractor back , as long as it didn 't snow . I was nervous about this , because I have been stuck with the van more than once , but Mike drove it in and out of here a few times with no problems . But the Subaru is parked at the bottom of our ridge , and as far as I can tell , the snow is worse down there . Mike made it out no problem yesterday , to drive the kids to the bus and then go to work . I asked him about it later and he said it was " no problem " and that the Subaru could " make it through anything " . It has all wheel drive , you know . I didn 't say anything , but I knew no all - wheel - drive vehicle could make it through everything . This morning , Mike went outside with Jamie and Cody to drive them to the bus . They left five minutes before the bus would get here , so I was more relaxed than I normally am when I 'm watching out my bedroom window to make sure the boys don 't miss the bus . I watched anyway , and minutes passed with no sign of Mike or the Subaru . So I ran to the living room window and looked out . Sure enough , the Subaru was stuckCAT Today is the first day back at school for not only the kids , but also for Mike . At least , it was supposed to be . But here in Manitoba , we are in the middle of a deep freeze such as we have not seen for a long time , if ever before . Don 't get me wrong ; winters here are cold . We know that . We expect that . But usually the really unbearably cold part of the winter is starting right about now , and goes through to the middle or end of February . This year , we have been in a deep freeze for weeks already , and even November was much colder than usual for that time of year . As such , we have had multiple days where the temperature with the wind chill has been well below - 40 , going as low as - 51 at times . Yesterday was one of those days , with the wind chill somewhere around - 49 , and today we are there again . As a result , the boys ' school division shut down for the day , seeing most of the kids are bussed in and the buses either won 't run , or it is just too dangerous to travel in this kind of cold . As it happens , Mike is part of the same school division , so he is also home with us for the day . A bonus holiday . Some moms might be less than thrilled , having prepared to be childless for the day , but not me . Not today . I am relieved . My boys have a long walk home from the bus and I was concerned about these temperatures . Besides , this now means I don 't have to drive Micah to Kindergarten at lunch time , so I don 't have to go out there either . Phew ! My plan for the day ? Well , I have some cleaning to do , which is super boring . I also plan to read ; something I have been doing a lot of this holiday since I got sick . Yes , I did get the stomach bug , albeit three days later than the rest of my family , and it lasted five days for me . So I did lots of reading , and though I hate being sick , I must say it has been too long since I have read so much fiction and I am rather addicted once again . But that 's beside the point . My adventure for the day will be a baking project . Baking and cooking , particularly when it is a new recipe , are always an adventure for me . I am not really gifted in the kitchen . I have improved a lot since I got married 13 years ago , so I guess I can 't in all fairness say that I can 't cook , anymore . But I am not what you would call a natural when it comes to all things culinary . That 's why today 's project has me a little nervous . I 'm making bagels . I made bagels once before , a long time ago , and it was okay . But these are New York style bagels . . . whatever that means . I got the recipe online , and I 'm not going to lie to you : I am really excited about the final product . That is never a good thing . I keep picturing these perfectly shaped , perfectly smooth and golden bagels . I can almost smell them . I am picturing them piping hot out of the oven , and imagining my kids and husband beside themselves with pure joy at the taste of my culinary masterpiece . This is where I always go wrong . Maybe if I didn 't have such high hopes for how they would turn out . . . Well , I don 't want to be disappointed . I have kind of made a big deal to the kids too about this secret treat I am making for them . As much as I hate cooking , I have to admit there is a small part of me that gets a real buzz out of making something delicious for my family to enjoy . Maybe that 's why I hate cooking . More often than not , after I cook up something I think will be a hit , all I hear are complaints from the boys . I know that 's normal , but there is absolutely no reward in that . I guess I like rewards . My project has already started and the dough is rising in a slightly warm oven . In 40 minutes , I get to do the next step , which is forming the shape of the bagels . Crucial , I think . I 'm nervous about it . After that , I have to boil them . A curious process , but thankfully , I have done it once before , and witnessed it once before that , so I know how to do it . I will finish this post later , once the bagels are complete . Maybe I will even post pictures . Maybe . And the update ? The bagels turned out quite nicely . They got a little darker than I hoped , and they were not perfectly shaped . But they were delicious . A bit of a crunchy exterior , and soft and chewy on the inside . They were a hit . I kind of wish the recipe made more than eight , but then a bag of them at the store contains only six , so I guess this option is better . They took me a good two hours to make though . Perfect for a snow day . Anyway , it is supper time now , so time to sign off . If anyone wants to try the recipe , this is the one I followed : http : / / www . sophisticatedgourmet . com / 2009 / 10 / new - york - style - bagel - recipe / What to say ? In a nutshell , I am married to Mike and we now have three boys which is intimidating , but also amazing ! I have two cats : Cricket ( black and white ) and Tabu ( tabby ) , a black and white mini - lop named Oreo and a German Shepherd cross named Radar for his larger - than - life ears ! ( Trust me on that one ! ) I work for the government , but am currently on leave , taking care of my kids while they are small . |
Amber and Lo Si had found Kermit . Unfortunately , they could not reach him . He was shielded heavily - - his mind appeared to them in their current state as a tight metallic ball . Amber felt a trickle of leaking emotions - - the culpability almost knocked her over , and the sense of futility was a slow , subtle poison . She longed to comfort him , but her attempts to touch him were fruitless . She was beginning to forget who she was . Amber Adair ! I am Amber Adair ! Lo Si grasped her firmly by the ' arm ' . Come , child . We can do nothing more right now . We must return . With a sense of defeat , she allowed him to lead her back the way they had come . The return trip seemed to take longer - - she was so tired . When they reached their starting point , she remembered something that had puzzled her earlier . Yes , Master . She conceded . Your line rejoins with Peter 's here , but there are the marks of fate around the joining with Kermit 's chi . But now we must return . You are tired . She let herself seep back into her body , then opened her eyes . And promptly fell backwards into Caine 's waiting arms . The sense of strength and support flowing from him into her made her wonder how she could ever have been uncomfortable around him . Her little mentor opened his eyes , still fresh and ready to go . " We almost had him , Kwai Chang Caine . He is well shielded , and does not want anyone to touch him . We shall have to try again . " " No , not yet . Amber , you need to rest . You tried to do too much , " the elfin man chided gently . " You almost lost yourself in the web . We will try again later . " " Amber Adair , " she said cautiously . " It 's me , Blake . I think I found something . There 's a record of the deaths of a squad of terrorist soldiers in a University laboratory twelve years ago in Venezuela . One of the dead was identified as Marguerite Rodriguez . The whole squad was declared dead , although they never found one of the bodies . The damage was astounding - - there had been some kind of firefight , and then the place went up in a fireball . Seems Kermit 's girlfriend was carrying some chemicals that blew when she dropped them . " " Well , from the evidence that made it into the report , as I said , there was a fight . A lot of people got shot . The body identified as Marguerite Rodriguez had a bullet lodged deep in the brain - - she was shot from the front , at close range . The remnants right in front of the body seem to have been identified as a box of explosive chemicals . The missing body was that of the leader of the squad , Christina Rodriguez - - Marguerite 's sister . There was enough wreckage that she was presumed dead with all the rest . " " Holy shit , " Amber whispered . The two Shaolin priests stared at her - - they had never before heard words like that from her . Even Blake , at the other end of the phone , seemed taken aback . " I 'm working on that . Without Kermit himself at the keyboard , we 're at a disadvantage . We 're all trying to find him , Amber . Hang in there . We 'll get him back . " " Yes , " Caine nodded . " That feels . . . correct . The sister is here for vengeance . I think she will not . . . kill him soon . We have a little time , but we must . . . make that time count . Master , when will we try again to find Kermit ? " Lo Si shook his wizened head . " Not right away . Amber is exhausted . " She tried once more to protest , but the old man silenced her with a wave of his hand . " You will rest , young lady . You were in danger today , and I will not allow you to risk yourself again so soon . You will sleep a little and then eat , and then we will make another attempt . " Amber almost laughed . She felt the hysteria rising , and fought to push it down . Kermit 's the information man - - what can Caine do ? Then again , he and Lo Si are Shambala Masters . Surely that counts for something . Maybe we will find Kermit soon . She allowed Caine to help her up the stairs while the Ancient tidied up the work area . She curled up on the sofa as bidden , shoes on the floor under the coffee table , when her Chinese Angel bustled in with a steaming cup . She made a face at the smell emanating from the drink - - and a worse one at the taste . " What 's in this ? Peter 's dirty socks ? " Struggling to sit up , she gave in to a wave of dizziness . The two men helped her to lie down again . Her last conscious memory was of little Lo Si spreading a blanket over her - - and then she was asleep . " We 've been wasting time ! " She stood , then sat back down hard , still a little woozy . " We can 't waste any more - - we don 't know what she 's doing to him ! " Amber struggled for a moment with images half - formed . Her sleep had not been without dreams , and some of them had been bad . " I know he 's being held , and I 'm sure Christina Rodriguez is the one keeping him . Master , I know Kermit 's in terrible danger . " He nodded with a sigh . " Yes . I 'm afraid you do , at that . But still , we must find him before we can help him . " " You and I have a special bond . I do not have this with Kermit . You have a bond with him , but have not touched his mind often or deeply enough to make this simple , especially as we do not know where to look . We ranged far this morning , and you needed to rest . We will try again as soon as Kwai Chang Caine returns , but then you will need to sleep through the night . Come , sit at the table with me , Amber , and we will eat . " She contained her impatience with difficulty . She needed to be doing something , searching for that tight - wrapped , intense man . Surely she could find him - - it shouldn 't be this hard ! She slept with the man - - it galled her to think how little of his mind she knew . Amber followed Lo Si into the kitchen . The old man pointed firmly to a chair , which she obediently took . He brought her a bowl of something over a bed of rice . She did not ask what it was , but picked up the chopsticks and dug in . He chuckled . " We will let it go this time . You are the one in greater need . Just remember , " he shook a mock - stern finger , " next time , you must wait and allow your elders to begin . " " I 'm fine , Peter , " she replied with a calm she was trying to feel . " I just tired myself out . We 've got to try again - - we found him , but couldn 't touch him or get any idea where he was . " " I know . It 's okay , Amber , we 'll find him . Blake 's on the horn with some of his mysterious contacts . " He laughed . " You wouldn 't believe it from his day - to - day behavior , but he 's been a terrier today . He 's not letting go on this . " " I 've never really figured it out , " the young cop admitted . " Paul brought him onto the force , just like Kermit . Sometimes they act like they 've known each other forever , and other times you 'd think they 'd only met that morning . But Blake likes and respects Kermit . He won 't give up . " She finished her food , but before she could carry the bowl and chopsticks to the sink , Caine stepped to take them from her . She had not heard or felt him come in , but he must have been right behind Peter . The priest quickly washed her things and the Ancient 's . A few moments later , the four of them trooped down the stairs to the basement . Amber was grateful for Peter 's presence . She trusted Caine and no longer felt that fluttering in her stomach in his presence , but the long friendship she shared with Peter made her prefer the idea of his guarding her this time . She sat exactly where she had before and , sure enough , Peter took the place behind her Caine had occupied earlier . His hands rested on her shoulders far more lightly than had his father 's . Kermit had no idea how long he had been in this horrible room . He 'd lain in darkness for a long time , feeling the guilt and despair eat at him . Marguerite was dead - - had been dead all this time - - but now Amber , too ? And her shop ! Her first Sloanville shop had gone up in flames . It was completely unfair that this one should suffer the same fate . And if Joseph and Mai had been injured or killed in the blast , she would be devastated , whether alive or dead . Kermit had never given too much thought to what happened to the soul , if such a thing existed , upon death - - but if anyone 's soul could go on , Amber and the two old Shaolin were the kind that would . Having known them , he had to concede that Amber dead would be scarcely less angry than Amber alive about the destruction of her beloved shop and the possibility of the suffering of her employees . Amber dead . He could not let Christina see how much this affected him . Damn it , in spite of all my intentions , she still died because of me . It hardly seemed possible that her light and warmth could be gone . The feelings of fear intensified . Kermit was puzzled by this , even as his gut churned with the terror . He was not given to this sort of thing . How could the darkness frighten him ? Maybe it 's the aftereffects of the drug they gave me . But then he recognized the nausea in his stomach as the feeling he got whenever Amber cranked up her heavy metal favorites . The bass line had a way of making his insides roil . Then the cot shuddered briefly and he knew - - Christina was using sound against him . It was inaudible at the moment , but she was attacking him with subsonics . Unfortunately , knowing this did not help him overcome it . The lights came on , brighter than before . Floodlights bathed him in intense white . First dark , now bright enough to hurt my eyes . Is she going to add ultrasonics now , too ? And what was that remote control thing she had ? She 's killed Amber , and after she 's done playing with me , she 's going to kill me too . I just hope the rest of the department has figured out I 'm gone . Amber and Lo Si once again followed the shining line in the web . Once more they found Kermit 's tight little shield - ball , but could not breach it any more than last time . Finally , they gave up , returning to themselves with defeated looks . She shook her head wearily . " We can 't get through . That man 's mind is so tightly guarded - - if he doesn 't loosen his control a little , it might be the death of him . " Now she did cry . She was too tired to try fighting the tears back , so they slid down her face as she silently shook in Peter 's arms . He tightened those arms around her and let her get it out . The Ancient nodded his approval . " Very good , Peter . That is precisely what we shall do . " Over Amber 's mute protest , he shook his head . " Peter is correct . We have to rest now . Perhaps tomorrow we will be able to get through Kermit 's shields . And who is to know ? By then , the other detectives may have found something more . " Peter nodded curtly . Amber met the Ancient 's eyes . " Thank you , Master . I apologise for my impatience . I know you 're right - - I need to sleep . I 'll be back in the morning . " " I . . . do not know . There is danger ahead . You . . . wait with her while I go find out what is wrong . " Caine pushed past them and mounted the stairs to the kitchen door . He rested one hand lightly on the wood , tracing the grain . His hand hovered a moment , then swept suddenly up and to the side . He pulled hard at something and stepped back . Caine directed a look full of reproach at his offspring . Amber would have laughed if she 'd had the energy . The father 's eyes were wounded at the son 's lack of faith . " It appears I was . . . successful . Give her to me , and . . . call it in . " Mai stepped in the way . " I 'll take her , " the young woman said firmly . " I think she would prefer that I help her get into her pajamas , don 't you ? " Caine shrugged again , but his eyes showed his approval . Amber said softly . " Thank you , Mai . Just help me change , and then I 'd better wait for the police . " Peter left his hurried phone conversation long enough to say , " No . You just go right to bed . You don 't know any more than we do about this , and Pop and I can talk to them for you . You can come make a statement in the morning , or I can bring a form to the Ancient 's tomorrow . " Mai made her drink a cup of herbal tea made from the packet Lo Si had sent home with her . She fell asleep almost as soon as her head touched the pillow . Mai smiled gently at her boss and friend and left . " Great , Pete . This might give us a lead on where Kermit is . Whoever set this can 't have helped leaving his own personal touches . Bomb - making is an intimate art . " " You 're being awfully good about this , " his eyes narrowed . He loved her deeply , though he might never have told her , but he also knew she did not usually react well to his being alone with any other woman . Then again , given his reputation , he couldn 't exactly blame her . She slapped him playfully on the chest . " Hey , I like her , too ! And with two cops watching out for her , she 's sure to be all right , don 't you think ? Besides , " she looked up at him through her lashes , " you look like you could use a little rest and recreation , too . " Peter 's eyes strayed to the stairs . Jordy read the look . " Now , I don 't think Amber would mind my staying with you . We 'll clean up everything before she wakes up , and I 'll change the sheets on the guest bed in the morning . " " I didn 't think you 'd mind my helping Peter keep an eye on you last night . I 've cleaned up everything we used and changed the bed . " There was just the faintest hint of defensiveness in Jordy 's voice . Amber , though she still had a drawn look , gave the other woman a brilliant smile . " No , I don 't mind at all . Thank you both for worrying about me . And the cleanup wasn 't necessary , but very much appreciated . I 'm going to go run and shower , but you two just make yourselves right at home and I 'll cook something when I get back . " As she descended the steps , Peter let out a breath - - he had , for just a moment , feared a fight between his lover and his old friend . But he should have known better , he told himself . Amber was not that kind of woman , and she and Jordy got along well enough . By the time Amber returned , Peter and Jordy had finished the cleanup . " Shall we make you breakfast ? " Peter asked . " I know you said you would , but you still look tired . And I can drop you at the Ancient 's before I go to work . " Amber nodded . " Thank you both again . And yes , Peter , if you don 't mind , I would love for you to fix breakfast . I need to shower . " " I know , " she sighed . " I keep telling myself that . " After a moment she said , " You 'd probably better tell Jody and Skalany that we 'll have to put off the girls ' night . " Lo Si took one look at the young woman and put her on the sofa . " You will sit and rest until Kwai Chang Caine comes . I will prepare a tea to help give you strength . " Despite the foul flavor , she drank the tea down as instructed . She could feel the strength seeping back into her tired bones . Caine arrived soon after and they went back down to the basement to work . Caine sat behind her again , and this time she could feel him lending her some of his prodigious strength . Kermit awoke suddenly . Something was sliding up his leg slowly , sensuously . He opened his eyes to the hellishly bright lights . Christina stood over him , lightly drawing a blood - red fingernail up his thigh . Something was wrong with his sight . Then he remembered - - she had taken his glasses , and his eyes were unprotected against the glaring floodlights . Her hand stopped trailing over his flesh and he almost relaxed before he realized that might just make her angry . Then she slapped him hard across the face . " You pig ! You were not given leave to sleep . Now I think you will have to miss your meal . " He remained silent - - it seemed the safest course . He had fallen asleep in spite of the situation - - and she had found him thus . The idea that anyone could catch him unawares rankled . She returned to touching his leg gently . Her hand continued on , sliding lightly over the area covered by the pink thong . " Do you like this ? " She purred . " You liked it when Marguerite did it . " He tried to turn his head towards the door - - a man in green fatigues holding a large , ugly gun , stood guard . Christina had brought reinforcements this time . She caught his crotch in a cruel grip . Christina smiled and Kermit knew this was not over . " You lie , Kermit Griffin . And bad things happen when you lie to me . " She raised her other hand so he could see the black bar in it . She depressed a button and pain arced through him . It must have been a pretty low voltage - - she could not hope to keep him alive and undamaged long if it was too high - - but the agony was enough . " We will continue our little game later , " she told him conversationally . " Just now , I have to go see about locating your precious sister . " At the look on his face , Christina laughed . There was no mirth in it , only a sense of power . " Oh , yes , Kermit . My sister told me all about you in the evenings she was with us . She did love you , and planned to return with you . But you killed her , and now I will kill everyone you love - - and then you . You see , you stole the person I loved most in the world , and then you killed her . You have no idea how long I 've waited for this chance . All that summer , listening to ' Kermit this , Kermit that ' . . . she was going to leave me . You killed Marguerite , gringo , and I will make you pay in many ways . I have something special in mind for you , dear Kermit . By the way , if you 're wondering what your charming garment says . . . it 's your new name : Lady - killer . " The guard let her out and then followed . As the door closed , Kermit let his head sink back on the cot in defeat . Lady - killer - - that 's apt enough . Marguerite was dead , Amber was dead , possibly with the innocent Wangs - - and now the crazy bitch was after his sister . And there was not one thing he could do about it . He felt the now - familiar nausea and knew that the subsonic torture was beginning again . Sure enough , the nervous feeling he 'd been expecting all along joined the churning of his insides - - she had added the ultrasonic range . Then an earsplitting cacophony assaulted him . Atonal ' music ' . That would make him vomit in not too long , he knew . Young musicians trying the technique frequently made themselves ill this way . And he could hardly get to a bathroom - - wait - - there was a sink in the corner . If he could make it up off the cot in spite of being off balance from the sound and having his hands manacled to his waist , he could walk to it and avoid soiling himself . Amber almost wept with frustration . He was right there ! She was looking for the third time at the tightly - shielded ball of his mind , and she could not reach him . Lo Si watched sympathetically , but could do little else . Then , as she watched , the iron control of the sphere wavered and feelings of nausea , fear , despair and guilt trickled out through the cracks . The negative emotions roiled over her . Amber Adair , I am - - who was she ? What was she ? Struggling against a tide of darkness , she knew only that she had to find the center of that maelstrom . She rushed to enter through the nearest breach . Lo Si saw and called to her Remember , you are Amber Adair ! Do not lose sight of this ! He flew to follow , trying to snatch his young protégée away before she was lost . Kermit leaned over the little sink , retching hard . After several attempts , he managed to turn the tap on enough to get a trickle of water . It wasn 't a lot of help , but he felt a trifle better after lapping a bit of the liquid . His stomach rolled and heaved as he twisted the knob to turn off the tiny flow . He leaned against the sink once more as the memories crowded in again , combined with the sick sensation the subsonic pulses incited . The despair flooded him , along with the guilt and pain . And then the image was shattered by the breath of a new fragrance - - no , a familiar one . Was it even a scent , or a feeling of sun and warmth ? He thought suddenly , irrationally of cool sheets and amber curls and a gentler hand than Christina 's on him . For just a moment , he felt that presence he 'd become so accustomed to , that sweet hint of her mind that only touched him when they made love . Was it Amber ? Or merely wishful thinking ? Christina had told him Amber was dead - - her shop gone up in a blast and flame . No , he could not have imagined it . He was not the type to imagine these things , even under the kind of pressure he now faced . She must be alive ! She was searching for him - - if he could only let her know what Christina had threatened , perhaps he could save her and she could get word to Marilyn to get away somewhere , to disappear until this was all over . How could he help her find him ? Wait , what was it she said about touching Aunt Edith ? Focus ! Tight beam transmission ! He struggled to concentrate through the assault on his senses - - the atonal music was still blasting at him , the feelings incurred by the ultra - and subsonic tones still in force . He closed his eyes and tried to imagine his thoughts as a tight beam . He put everything he could into sending that beam outward , seeking the warm , comforting presence he 'd so briefly felt . Will you help me , Master ? Her thought was like the pleading of a child . He could not refuse , though she had almost lost herself going into Kermit 's tortured mind . Amber ? It was like talking on an old copper phone line - - static crackled between the joined minds . He was not good at this - - his shields were so natural that he had never even thought about learning to reach out . She was amazed that he had been able to get far enough out of his own protective walls for Lo Si to notice . I don 't know . She was able to hear better now as Caine and Lo Si tightened the connection . He continued . She 's got me , and she 's insane . She said she 'd killed you - - check your kitchen door for a bomb . Good . Wait - - Caine did it ? The surprise in his tone was palpable . Anyway , you 've got to warn my sister . Peter knows how to get her . Christina - - that 's who has me , Christina Rodriguez , Marguerite 's sister - - threatened to find Marilyn and kill her . Tell her to take her family and go somewhere . No . I can 't be too far away , unless you 've had reports of unauthorized planes or helicopters in the area . We know about Christina . Amber told him . We 're working on locating you and getting you out of there . What 's she done to you - - are you all right ? Nothing . The reply was curt . I 'm all right . She 's playing sound and light games with me right now , but I 'll be all right . Tell Caine I said thanks for keeping you and your store safe . He grinned down at her . " I came by on my lunch to check on your progress . Pop just moved over behind the Ancient and I sat here . You doing okay ? " " We touched him ! He 's all right , Peter ! " Her face clouded . " For now . But we still don 't know where he is . " She sat up on her own and pondered for a moment the feeling of Kermit 's mind . For that moment she had been inside before Lo Si pulled her out , she had touched a dark place . She was used to the cool masculine feel of him , that hint of danger about him too . But there was , in his chi , the feel of old blood and guilt . She was not ready to explore that , and now knew why he had unconsciously built such excellent shields around his mind . None of this was important now - - whatever he had been , he was on the side of the angels now . Not all angels had white wings ; some carried secrets and old guilt . Kermit had a small piece of power now . It would not help him physically at all , but did wonders for his mental state . Amber was alive , and the explosive disarmed by Caine of all people ! He had not slept - - when she did not play atonal music to make him ill , Christina treated him to loud punk rock , or came to taunt him . She had subjected him to several more demonstrations of the belt and manacle affair and his body throbbed with remembered agony . But Amber was alive , and she was getting a warning to Marilyn , so Christina might kill him but would not get those he cared about . That was enough to lift his failing spirits . He did not even argue when one of the men came in to spoon a gritty , gooey substance into his mouth , as if he were a child . He choked it down . Any nutrition meant he stayed alive that much longer . Staying alive meant there was a chance he would get out of this . When his feeder called for a comrade to help walk him to the bathroom , he went meekly . It would not do for his captors to find out that he did not still wallow in despair . Of course , the guilt over Marguerite still haunted him . It was also the weapon Christina used most frequently . The image of the young woman who 'd professed to love him hovered always in his mind . It always ended the same way - - the bullet penetrating her forehead , the warmth in her eyes turning to shocked disbelief and then glazing over . Always , she slumped to the floor , dropping the box and releasing the fires of Hell itself . " You look ready , " her voice was almost loving as she ran a hand down his chest . He did not dare close his eyes - - she would take that as escape , and punish him even more harshly for it . He watched her instead , holding on to that small victory : Amber was alive , Marilyn would be all right , and his friends were looking for him . Amber was recovering from her ordeals - - first overextending herself , then almost losing herself in the attempt to touch Kermit 's mind . Again , Lo Si had been right - - she was less tired from this third try than she had been following the first two . She went with Peter to the precinct and signed the statement regarding the bomb in her home . While her old friend skimmed his phone file for Marilyn 's number , Blake pulled the young woman aside . " I 'm getting some nibbles . We 're closing in - - it 's just a matter of time now . I 'm looking near the west side of the city . You know how grocery stores and pharmacies tend to be the anchors of strip malls ? " " Well , I 've been checking out some reports . Apparently , one such pairing has had a certain group of men in fatigues coming in for the past couple of weeks . They 've been stocking up - - enough groceries to feed about fifteen people . And the drug store has them purchasing first aid supplies . Now , I think it 's possible that the group has chosen these stores because they 're actually not near where our friends are staying , but it 's not very likely . It would be dangerous to go too far out of their way - - since I suspect they 're not here legally . Right now I 'm looking for unauthorized power siphoning . They 'll need electricity . " " I 'll put you on with her . " Peter gave her a look of such understanding that a lump rose in her throat . " I think , though , it would be better if I were the one to break the bad news . Cop duty and all . " " Marilyn , this is Peter . " He said into the phone . " Yes , I 'm afraid there is trouble . Seems Kermit 's been kidnapped . No , no , we 're working on it . You need to stay calm . We 're closing in - - he 's fine so far . Look , what I 'm calling about - - we 're sending a few officers your way . Kermit thinks his captor may try to harm you or the kids . Please , just stay where you are for now - - our people will be there shortly . We 'd like to put you in protective custody . Look , don 't argue . It 'll only be for a couple of days , until we get these nuts , okay ? Yeah . Look , there 's someone here who 'd like to talk to you . " " I know who you are , " the woman 's tired voice told her . " Kermit talks about you all the time . I assume it 's your . . . psychic talent that makes Peter say he 's all right ? " Amber swallowed again . " Yes . I . . . spoke with him , you might say , a little while ago . He 's very worried about you . The woman that has him has already tried to kill me - - she set a bomb in my apartment . Please , let the police help you . I don 't know how Kermit would take it if anything happened to you . " Marilyn chuckled raggedly . " I do , " she said dryly . " You win . I 'll do what they ask . And when you get my brother out of wherever he is , tell him three things for me . " " First - - call me . Second , I want to meet you , Amber . He has to bring you to the house . And third - - tell him I love him . " Peter took the phone back . " Marilyn , you remember Skalany , right ? Good . Don 't open the door until you see her . Right . See you , then - - and be careful . " " All right , then . I think you need some lunch and to go back to your shop and rest . I 'll come for you later - - I think Lo Si wanted to do some more refined work this evening . " " Yes . We 're going to try to get a location on Kermit , " she replied . " I 've never done anything quite like it before . I 'd better go get a nap after lunch - - I guess this is going to be as bad as yesterday morning . Every time the Ancient takes me through something new , I end up needing someone to make sure I get home in one piece . " Kermit was losing it fast . Christina had allowed him no sleep , and only the gooey food spooned into him by a guard . He had no idea how long he 'd been here , but it must have been a few days , given the length of the facial stubble he saw during his infrequent trips to the facilities . Christina watched with a sly smile as the guard fetched water from the sink in the corner and gave Kermit a sip from the tin cup . She raised a bottle to her own lips and drank deeply . As much as he wanted more , her prisoner would not ask . So : he was held somewhere there 'd been a chemical spill . If only Amber or the Ancient came back - - if he could just get that information to them , maybe they could find him sooner . He wasn 't sure how much longer he could wait before the idea of dying by electrocution in an escape attempt started to sound good . Jody had taken to sleeping in Amber 's guest room . She was determined the young psychic should not be alone . Amber was grateful for the company , though she knew she hadn 't said so . She resolved to , once this was all over , give her friend a treat in thanks . In fact , she would have a dinner for all of her 101st friends and the Shaolin once Kermit was back safe and sound . She would do something special for Jody alone afterwards . " If Kermit lets down his shield again , it will be much easier , " Lo Si told her . " When you go inside as we are doing , it is very difficult to see external details . When you touch your aunt , do you know whether she is in the kitchen or the garden ? " " We work from inside , Amber . What you are talking about is called clairvoyance , and is a different skill than those you have learned . Can you teleport ? Are you skilled in telekinesis ? " " You see , it is akin to trying to learn Chinese or Japanese if you grew up speaking English and French . We are trying to learn a new skill . . . how do you say it - - ' on the fly ' . I know the theory , but it has been many years since I have needed this ability . " He shook his head . " If Detective Griffin would let down his shields so we could speak to him again , he may have some more clues that could assist us . " They had been trying for two days to reach him again . They could find Kermit 's mind easily enough , but it was still that smooth , metallic ball . Was Christina was easing her treatment of him or had he grown better at controlling his reactions to it ? Either way , it was causing a problem . The only reason they had gotten through to him before was that his pain had been strong enough to weaken his shields . Amber knew she looked like a few miles of bad road . She was not sleeping well . She made herself run each morning , but not far and not as hard as she knew she should . Her appetite was waning , too . She knew that little Lo Si was worried for her , but she could not stop trying . If he refused to help her , she would try on her own , regardless of the risk . She suspected he continued to help her in order to avert that potential disaster . Caine was at the precinct with Peter and Blake . They thought they were narrowing the search area , but it was not enough yet . At least they knew now how Kermit had been caught unaware . Under his car , not far from a small puddle , they had found the computer expert 's little hand held computer , fried by electricity . Blake theorized that Kermit had stepped in the puddle and been immobilized by electrodes placed there . Skalany reported daily on Marilyn and her family . They were fine , holed up in a safe - house . They wanted to go home , but understood the need for protection . Marilyn was , however , becoming impatient with the lack of information about her brother . She sat bolt upright . " What ? " " I 've found an illegal power tap . It 's not precise , mind you , but it 's going to give us a much smaller area to search . The Captain would like to see you when you have time . She followed the frail - looking old man with difficulty . For all his age , he was as fit and strong as many younger men only wished to be . When they reached the 101st , she stopped to catch her breath before approaching Broderick . " Go on back . The captain 's expecting you , " he waved her through . His face reflected the concern all of Kermit 's co - workers felt . " Thank you . That 's something . " She rose and paced behind her desk . " I don 't have enough hard evidence to get a warrant . Because of that , I cannot be directly involved in the situation . In fact , my people shouldn 't even be working on it . " She raised a hand to forestall any protest , but Amber was making none . " I am hoping that you will be able to get through to Detective Griffin again and get more information . When that happens , I will give certain of my people a day or two off . They will have to use personal time to help you , as you have no official capacity . " Simms continued . " Now , you know I am not advocating civilian action . I do not recommend that anyone put him or herself in danger , or that members of the general public engage in vigilante activity . In fact , I must say that I heartily disapprove of these things . " " That being said , " Karen turned to face Amber , eyes searching hers . " Go find him . Bring him back , Amber . Peter and Jody will go with you . Skalany has to stay with Kermit 's sister , and I can 't spare anybody else . " Amber let out the breath she hadn 't realized she 'd been holding . " Thank you , Captain . . . Karen . " The older woman nodded wearily . " I wish I could do more , but I can only wish you luck unofficially and hope that you can find him . " " I will . " Amber spoke firmly . She did not feel as confident as she sounded , but it would never do to appear afraid . She stood and clasped Karen 's hand . " Once we find him and go in , we will call you the minute we have him safe . " As she walked back through the bullpen , Amber saw that she was not the only tired person . Blake looked as if he hadn 't slept since Kermit 's disappearance . Peter appeared only marginally better - rested . Even Kwai Chang Caine , silent at his son 's desk , had an air of weary vigilance . " I think we 're getting something . Look at this . " He had a map out on his desk , marked heavily with a wide pen . " We need to look in this area . The power drain is here , and the stores the foreigners visited are not too far away . It 's still a lot of ground to cover , but we 've gotten this far . " She smiled tiredly . " I 'll see if I can get anything from Kermit to help narrow it . Thank you for showing me this . " She leaned over to kiss him lightly on the cheek . Peter came over and gently squeezed her shoulder . " You 'd better catch a nap , Forest - Gem . We 'll need you to try again soon . " " Bloody marvelous . That means I may sleep , too . I will come to you tonight , and we will try again . I have an idea that might help . " Amber hugged the old man and kissed his dry cheek . " You always have an idea , and it always helps , " she whispered . " Maybe now I 'll be able to sleep . " Kermit had all but lost the hope that Amber 's escape from death had given him . The woman holding him captive was insane - - there was no sign of rational thought left in those dark eyes . She held the black remote control in one clawed hand , raised as if she might strike him with it . His entire world narrowed to that smooth black object and the red - tipped fingers holding it . As one finger pressed a button , pain exploded across his universe and he arched up off the cot . He did not scream , though only by a narrow margin . " Oh , no , " she replied softly . " I have plans for you , my dear . You will die - - don 't worry about that . But I think you should be found in a state fitting such a Lady - killer . I 've decided you 're to die of auto - erotic asphyxiation . " He groaned involuntarily . As if the thong and the lack of privacy weren 't enough . Now she 's got to humiliate me in death , too . He could just see the newspaper headlines " Missing Cop Turns Up Dead - - Shocking Details Inside " on the Enquirer . His fellow officers would not believe it of him , but others might . His reputation would be ruined - - Marilyn would suffer for it . And Amber - - what would this do to her ? His resolve hardened . He had to get out of here before Christina decided it was time for his degrading end . It was a long shot , but no less likely than his escaping physically , wearing the manacled belt and thong . How had he done this before ? Focus . He told himself . Focus my thoughts into a tight beam again and just call her as hard as I can . Christina was talking again , telling him how Marguerite had loved him , had planned their future together . " Do you have any idea what it was like for me ? She was my sister ! I trusted her , taught her everything - - and she was going to leave me to run away with you , you pig ! All I heard about was ' Kermit this , Kermit that ' . She had no time for our plans any more - - no time for me ! And you killed her , gringo . She loved you , was ready to betray me for you , and you killed her for it . " She raised the remote as if preparing to shock him again , but for the moment he was free of the sonic torture that kept him awake and off - balance . It had to be now . " You see , it was when you reminded me you had some skill in psychometry that the idea began to form . This is a way of sneaking around using clairvoyance , " he grinned impishly . " We will use this tie of Kermit 's as a starting point . We know how to find his mind now . With these two things , perhaps we can work around the problems and locate him . " The best teacher after myself , Lo Si thought to her with a grin . They reached the ball of Kermit 's mind in a flash . The tie was certainly helping so far . We have a tie to him - - but what a sad pun . Amber might have been more amused , had it not been for the desperate situation . She touched the smooth shields , searching for a way through . At that moment , a small fissure opened and the ragged beam of his thoughts shot out . She ' grasped ' it quickly , adding her own strength to fortify the connection . Yeah , I 'm fine . I 've got a little more info for you . I still don 't know where I am , but wherever it is , there 's been a chemical spill . They 're not drinking the water - - they 've brought bottled stuff . I asked if it was radiation and they told me chemical . A slip a pro shouldn 't make . The disapproval in his thought made her smile despite herself . There are no windows in the room they keep me in , nor in the hallway or the facilities . That 's all I 've seen . It has the feel of being underground , but she 's addled my wits so much I can 't be sure . " Then let 's go ! Jody 's in the guest room and her car 's just outside . She 'll drive us , I 'm sure . " The blonde would and did . In a matter of minutes the three were crowded around Blake and his desk . The old man spent several minutes regarding the map , hands clasped before him , eyes narrowed . Then he pointed with one long finger . " There . He is there . " Blake peered at the map himself now . " Yes . I see . This neighborhood , " he indicated the spot Lo Si had pointed out , " was built a few years ago . It was to be a residential community for the upper middle class . The best builders participated , and everything was planned to be perfect . ' The Oakes ' was already finished and people moved in before they discovered that the whole place had been put on top of a former chemical waste dump . Seems children were coming down sick , and then a few adults . It all ended up with a big investigation and everyone being relocated . The whole neighborhood was surrounded with a chain link fence and signs telling everyone to keep out . It 's on the list of sites to be cleaned up , but you know how far behind the government is on that kind of thing . " " Well , then , let 's get Peter and get going , " Jody cried . " I 'll go tell the Captain . " She sprinted for her desk , snatching up the phone . Blake called Peter , and relayed the message that if they did not wait for him there would be hell to pay . Amber fidgeted with Kermit 's tie as they waited . Suddenly , she cried , " Wait ! I 've got to go home for a minute , and then I want to get my car . Do we have time ? " Jody grinned tightly . " As soon as Peter gets here , I 'll make time . We could all go in my car , but it 'll be better to have two . If Kermit 's hurt , it would be bad to cram all of us in one vehicle getting him to the hospital . " " All right , Detectives Powell and Caine . You are , as of right now , on personal days . I don 't want to know where you are going or what you are doing . Although , naturally , if you should come across evidence of criminal activity during your off - hours , I expect you to call it in . " Amber took only a few moments in her apartment , getting back into the SUV with a duffel bag slung over one shoulder . Jody then pulled up in front of a valet garage . Amber fidgeted and shifted her weight from foot to foot as she waited for the man to bring her Mustang around . Lo Si climbed into Amber 's car , while Peter , Caine and Jody remained in the blonde 's SUV . Amber led the way , aided by the Ancient . She could not focus on tracking Kermit 's location while driving . The old man was lightly touching her mind to access the bond she shared with her lover , and holding the tie in his gnarled hands . " I don 't know how they managed it , but your sister and her lovely children have vanished , " Christina spat . " I had hoped to even the score this way - - your sister for mine , one girlfriend for another . I suppose I 'll have to be content with having killed your lover and , soon , with your death . " She left the room and the familiar feeling of nausea returned . Kermit wasn 't sure if hope was a good thing at this point . Once more he made his slow way to the sink to retch . He 'd stopped trying to rinse his mouth out since discovering the chemical spill - - he only drank the few sips they forced into him . He knew Christina would tire of the game soon - - it would not be long before she decided to kill him and leave his body in the humiliating scenario she 'd promised . The idea of being found with a noose around his neck and pornography strewn about him bothered him more than he 'd ever expected . It wasn 't so much for himself , but for those who cared about him and would have to suffer the embarrassment . After all , he would be dead , wouldn 't he ? The worst was not knowing if his friends had found him . I wonder why Amber hasn 't come back . She touches everyone else 's mind so easily - - it couldn 't be any harder for her to say , " Hey , we 're on the way , " could it ? Or even " We still can 't find you . " I thought I was good at waiting . Then again , I 'm usually waiting with a gun , not waiting for the cavalry . Amber stopped her car in front of the chain link fence . Lo Si did not wait but climbed out . The others clambered out of Jody 's big vehicle . Caine stepped to the Ancient 's side . " I am fine . Amber spared an old man 's ears and refrained from playing her heavy metal music . " He smiled at her to let her know he was joking . Peter spoke softly but impatiently . " Can we get on with this ? We 're standing outside a condemned neighborhood at night . We 're likely to attract attention . " Caine shot his old friend an unreadable look but went to the fence , placing his hands on it . After a moment , he spoke quietly . " This way . " They followed him along the barrier until he stopped . " It is . . . right there , " the priest gestured towards the middle of a street . The chain link fence crossed the street , but even in the dark Amber could see the cut place . Peter led the way now , and pulled the length back for the rest to enter . It was obvious that the damage had been done to accommodate vehicles , and the fence pulled back across to conceal it . Peter likewise replaced the length of fence . Now , Lo Si took the lead again , making no more noise than a mouse . Amber followed him , trying to reach Kermit . She had become impatient with his shields . He might have blood on his hands from his past life , but she had known what he was from the beginning . If there was anyone in the world who would not judge him based on that past , it was her . Why would he block her out so steadily ? Was there something about Marguerite or her sister he didn 't want her to know ? I wonder if he realizes how hard it is to reach him when he 's so tightly wrapped in his defenses . " Calm yourself , child , " the Ancient advised . " All of your questions will be answered soon . We will have Kermit back safely and his captors in custody . You must calm your chi or you will be useless to him . " " Well , you 'd better stop before we reach it . Ms . Rodriguez would be a fool not to post sentries . Now , we know they have enough food for fifteen people . We 'll have to go carefully . Stealth and speed are our allies now . " " Your father and I can take care of the sentries . " There was again just a trace of smugness in the old man 's tone . Caine measured the Ancient with another of those expressionless looks , but Lo Si merely smiled serenely . " We are outnumbered and out - gunned , are we not ? We must use every non - lethal weapon at our disposal . " " All right . Lead the way . Once you 've dealt with the sentries , let Jody and me go first . " Peter pulled out and checked his gun , the blonde following suit . Peter met his father 's glance . " Pop , I have to start with it . I won 't shoot unless there 's no other way . " Amber and her mentor joined hands around Kermit 's tie and started down the street . The duffel bag slapped lightly at her side . It was awkward , but she would not have left it behind for any reason . The neighborhood had been laid out on a grid with many cul - de - sacs . Amber found the complete silence of the place unnerving - - it was a visually perfect community , but the total lack of habitation gave it the feel of a ghost town . She cast uneasy glances down the side streets they passed , half expecting some dead thing to jump out at her . She and Lo Si stopped together . There were two sentries ahead in the gloom . Casting her mind out a little way , she sensed two more . The Ancient and Caine exchanged a nod , then looked toward the as - yet unaware enemies . All four men slumped , then fell nerveless to the ground . " They will not awaken until we reverse the procedure , " Lo Si said softly . Then , turning to Peter , he said , " This house . I believe our friend is in the basement . " The young cop nodded and gestured for Jody to join him . The two walked forwards softly , guns drawn and pointed toward the sky . They reached the front door - - it was locked . Caine stepped up , rubbing his hands together . He placed the fingers of one against the lock . The click of the bolt was audible . The priest stepped back with a nod to Peter , who reached out and turned the knob , pushing the door in carefully . A klaxon shrieked through the night . Amber and the Ancient had caught up now , and saw four men look around in surprise . Amber ducked back out of the line of sight while Jody pumped off three shots . One man went down and another winced as a bullet grazed his shoulder . Caine took a few steps inside the door and met the eyes of the one uninjured man . The Venezuelan raised his gun , but dropped it as though it were on fire . He lunged for Caine , but the priest did something Amber couldn 't track , and his attacker slammed into a wall . The fourth man could not decide whether to run for reinforcements or try to shoot Jody . He chose wrong , and as he raised his machine gun , the blonde detective squeezed off another round and he dropped . Peter had freed himself from his opponent . He slammed the man 's head to the floor and looked back at his father . " Can you make sure he doesn 't wake up any time soon ? " Caine nodded and did so . Lo Si was already repeating the technique with Caine 's victim . Jody checked the men she 'd shot . " I think they 'll live . " The two Shambhala Masters repeated the process with these downed foes , and the little group moved on . " There - - that is the door to the basement , " the Ancient announced . The klaxon was still screaming its warning , and Peter opened the door with caution . The stairwell was empty . He led the way down , moving carefully in an attitude of readiness . Amber trailed at the rear of the line , casting about for her lover . " Hey , buddy , " Peter shouted over the noise of the alarm . " I 'm kind of lost , and I thought you might be able to . . . " the men raised their guns just as the Caine men reached them . Guns flew one way and the men flew another , colliding with the walls in the cramped hallway . She rounded on him , all trace of sanity gone from her face . " It looks like I might have to kill you sooner than I wanted , Lady - killer . " " I still don 't understand , " he tried , still panting from the last dose of voltage , " why you have to kill me . " It was time . He heard the sounds of fighting , and knew this was his only chance . " You killed your sister , Christina . You shot Marguerite , all on your own . She saw me in the lab and was ready to run out on you , and you couldn 't stand it . You shot your own sister in the head . " She screamed . There were no words to the shriek - - it was an animal sound . Her eyes rolled back in her head , her face went a sickly white around the burned pink patch and she screeched , raising the remote . This was what he had been waiting for , and Kermit kicked up desperately , throwing all the strength he had left into that leg . It worked . His bare foot connected with the remote . As it flew across the room and he grunted with the pain , the door opened . Caine did not blink , but raised one hand and both men threw suddenly - burning guns to the floor . Christina lunged toward the door , but Jody and Peter were already inside and Amber stood in the entryway . Amber hardly thought about it , but as she saw the screaming harpy coming her way , raised a fist and swung . Kermit looked around . Peter and Jody had disabled the two guards and were coming his way with Caine . The manacled man gave them a tired look . " Can you find the release for these things ? Juan over there , the one with the mustache , has it . Jody , Sweet Cheeks , could you maybe turn around or something ? " Amber stepped back , stung . What had she done ? Her lover was filthy , hair a straggling mass , several days ' growth of beard , and clad in some kind of pink . . . thong ? She tossed the duffel on the cot beside him and stepped away , trying to hide the tears of hurt . " Thought you could use those , " she managed , making for the door . To Peter , she said , " I 'll call Blake and he can send the troops . I guess we 've got enough to satisfy the Captain . " " I don 't know , Master , " her voice shook and she drew in a breath to steady herself . " He was so . . . angry that I 'd come ! What do you think I did ? " That was not Lo Si 's voice . She whirled . She hadn 't brought one of his suits , but a pair of jeans and a plaid shirt he 'd promised to wear on a weekend hike someday . She almost didn 't recognize him but for the spare pair of Wayfarers she 'd thrown in the bag , now firmly settled on his nose . She laughed . She couldn 't help it . Her whole frame shook with laughter she suspected was partly hysterical . She fell into his waiting arms , still roaring with mirth . " What 's so funny ? " he demanded . The others entered the front room now , watching in amazed disbelief . Kermit turned to look at them , his expression helpless . Then he recovered himself . " I trust , " he said sternly , " you all know that if any of you ever mentions the state in which you found me . . . " Amber was regaining control of herself . " We 'd better go check on our friends , " Peter put in . He handed Kermit 's gun over . " Found this in the kitchen along with some other things . " He held up a coil of rope . " Reinforcements are on the way , " Amber told him . Peter headed for the stairs with Kermit right behind . Amber followed before anyone thought to stop her . Jody took Lo Si and Caine to help round up the four men they 'd left outdoors . The two cops looked over the men in the hall , dragging them into the small room Kermit had lived in for the past few days . While they secured the Venezuelans with the rope , Amber bent to inspect the damage she 'd done Christina . She yelped as the woman 's red - tipped hand shot out , clutching her . Christina used Amber to climb to her feet . " I may not have killed you before . I 'll correct that mistake soon , " she hissed . The madwoman turned the young psychic around , holding her tightly . Amber felt the tip of a knife at her back . " But first , you 're going to get me out of here . " Kermit 's eyes narrowed and he reached back , pulling the recovered desert eagle from his waistband . Holding it up , he cocked it , checked it and aimed . His expression was cool , even relaxed . She didn 't need her talent to know what he meant . Immediately , she slumped as though boneless , dragging Christina off - balance . As her captor struggled to remain upright , Kermit , expressionless , pulled the trigger . Kermit awakened slowly , blinking at his surroundings . Automatically , he reached to the side of the bed for his glasses and put them on . Then he realized - - it 's been a long time since I could do that . And the light . . . I 'm in the hospital . Now he looked around the room . The late - afternoon sun streamed in the window , casting barred shadows from the blinds over Amber , who was sleeping curled up in the chair . She didn 't look very comfortable . His lips curved in a gentle smile he rarely let anyone see . As he watched , Amber 's eyes fluttered , and she stretched and sat up . Seeing him watching , she grinned . " Hi , there , Mercenary Man . " He looked down at himself . The hospital gown was not much of an improvement , but improvement it was over what he 'd worn for the past several days . He almost laughed - - the idea that a hospital gown was better than anything was ludicrous . At least he 'd been allowed to shave - - his face didn 't itch anymore . " Well , I think I did more recently than you , but I admit I could use more . I 'll rest a lot easier now that you 're all right . Dr . Sabourin wants you overnight for observation . She 's running tests on your blood for chemical contamination . " Amber straightened , tensed . " I tried , Kermit . Hell , you made it so hard Lo Si and I almost couldn 't reach you to begin with ! " did get through was when you let me in , and then you kicked me out suddenly both times ! " she regarded him sadly . " I don 't understand why you felt you had to keep me at bay . I was only trying to help . " The memories washed over him again - - Marguerite , so young and pretty , then dead ; Christina with her mad eyes and need for revenge ; himself helpless and in that ridiculous thong . Suddenly , he wasn 't sure himself why he 'd had to keep Amber out . She had obviously lost sleep over him - - he could see that in her tired face . She had worked hard to free him from his captors , and almost been killed twice : first the bomb and then Christina 's knife . Kermit reached over and took Amber 's hand . " I . . . I 'm sorry , Green Eyes . I should have told you everything from the beginning . Then I wouldn 't have felt stuck in the past . Maybe I could have relaxed those shields . " |
18 September . - I drove at once to Hillingham and arrived early . Keeping my cab at the gate , I went up the avenue alone . I knocked gently and rang as quietly as possible , for I feared to disturb Lucy or her mother , and hoped to only bring a servant to the door . After a while , finding no response , I knocked and rang again ; still no answer . I cursed the laziness of the servants that they should lie abed at such an hour - for it was now ten o ' clock - and so rang and knocked again , but more impatiently , but still without response . Hitherto I had blamed only the servants , but now a terrible fear began to assail me . Was this desolation but another link in the chain of doom which seemed drawing tight around us ? Was it indeed a house of death to which I had come , too late ? I knew that minutes , even seconds of delay , might mean hours of danger to Lucy , if she had had again one of those frightful relapses ; and I went round the house to try if I could find by chance an entry anywhere . I could find no means of ingress . Every window and door was fastened and locked , and I returned baffled to the porch . As I did so , I heard the rapid pit - pat of a swiftly driven horse 's feet . They stopped at the gate , and a few seconds later I met Van Helsing running up the avenue . When he saw me , he gasped out : - " Then I fear we are too late . God 's will be done ! " With his usual recuperative energy , he went on : " Come . If there be no way open to get in , we must make one . Time is all in all to us now . " We went round to the back of the house , where there was a kitchen window . The Professor took a small surgical saw from his case , and handing it to me , pointed to the iron bars which guarded the window . I attacked them at once and had very soon cut through three of them . Then with a long , thin knife we pushed back the fastening of the sashes and opened the window . I helped the Professor in , and followed him . There was no one in the kitchen or in the servants ' rooms , which were close at hand . We tried all the rooms as we went along , and in the dining - room , dimly lit by rays of light through the shutters , found four servant - women lying on the floor . There was no need to think them dead , for their stertorous breathing and the acrid smell of laudanum in the room left no doubt as to their condition . Van Helsing and I looked at each other , and as we moved away he said : " We can attend to them later . " Then we ascended to Lucy 's room . For an instant or two we paused at the door to listen , but there was no sound that we could hear . With white faces and trembling hands , we opened the door gently , and entered the room . How shall I describe what we saw ? On the bed lay two women , Lucy and her mother . The latter lay farthest in , and she was covered with a white sheet , the edge of which had been blown back by the draught through the broken window , showing the drawn , white face , with a look of terror fixed upon it . By her side lay Lucy , with face white and still more drawn . The flowers which had been round her neck we found upon her mother 's bosom , and her throat was bare , showing the two little wounds which we had noticed before , but looking horribly white and mangled . Without a word the Professor bent over the bed , his head almost touching poor Lucy 's breast ; then he gave a quick turn of his head , as of one who listens , and leaping to his feet , he cried out to me : - I flew downstairs and returned with it , taking care to smell and taste it , lest it , too , were drugged like the decanter of sherry which I found on the table . The maids were still breathing , but more restlessly , and I fancied that the narcotic was wearing off . I did not stay to make sure , but returned to Van Helsing . He rubbed the brandy , as on another occasion , on her lips and gums and on her wrists and the palms of her hands . He said to me : - " I can do this , all that can be at the present . You go wake those maids . Flick them in the face with a wet towel , and flick them hard . Make them get heat and fire and a warm bath . This poor soul is nearly as cold as that beside her . She will need be heated before we can do anything more . " I went at once , and found little difficulty in waking three of the women . The fourth was only a young girl , and the drug had evidently affected her more strongly , so I lifted her on the sofa and let her sleep . The others were dazed at first but as remembrance came back to them they cried and sobbed in a hysterical manner . I was stern with them , however and would not let them talk . I told them that one life was bad enough to lose , and that if they delayed they would sacrifice Miss Lucy . So , sobbing and crying , they went about their way , half clad as they were , and prepared fire and water . Fortunately , the kitchen and boiler fires were still alive , and there was no lack of hot water . We got a bath and carried Lucy out as she was and placed her in it Whilst we were busy chafing her limbs there was a knock at the hall door . One of the maids ran off , hurried on some more clothes , and opened it . Then she returned and whispered to us that there was a gentleman who had come with a message from Mr . Holmwood I bade her simply tell him that he must wait , for we could see no one now She went away with the message , and , engrossed with our work , I clean forgot all about him . I never saw in all my experience the Professor work in such deadly earnest . I knew - as he knew - that it was a stand - up fight with death , and in a pause told him so . He answered me in a way that I did not understand , but with the sternest look that his face could wear : - Presently we both began to be conscious that the heat was beginning to be of some effect . Lucy 's heart beat a trifle more audibly to the stethoscope , and her lungs had a perceptible movement . Van Helsing 's face almost beamed , and as we lifted her from the bath and rolled her in a hot sheet to dry her he said to me : - We took Lucy into another room , which had by now been prepared , and laid her in bed and forced a few drops of brandy down her throat . I noticed that Van Helsing tied a soft silk handkerchief round her throat . She was still unconscious , and was quite as bad , if not worse than , we had ever seen her . Van Helsing called in one of the women , and told her to stay with her and not to take her eyes off her till we returned , and then beckoned me out of the room . " We must consult as to what is to be done , " he said as we descended the stairs . In the hall he opened the dining - room door , and we passed in , he closing the door carefully behind him . The shutters had been opened , but the blinds were already down , with that obedience to the etiquette of death which the British woman of the lower classes always rigidly observes . The room was , therefore , dimly dark . It was , however , light enough for our purposes . Van Helsing 's sternness was somewhat relieved by a look of perplexity . He was evidently torturing his mind about something , so I waited for an instant , and he spoke : - " What are we to do now ? Where are we to turn for help ? We must have another transfusion of blood , and that soon , or that poor girl 's life won 't be worth an hour 's purchase . You are exhausted already ; I am exhausted too . I fear to trust those women , even if they would have courage to submit . What are we to do for some one who will open his veins for her ? " " Have not heard from Seward for three days , and am terribly anxious . Cannot leave . Father still in same condition . Send me word how Lucy is . Do not delay . - Holmwood . " " A brave man 's blood is the best thing on this earth when a woman is in trouble . You 're a man and no mistake . Well , the devil may work against us for all he 's worth , but God sends us men when we want them . " Once again we went through that ghastly operation . I have not the heart to go through with the details . Lucy had got a terrible shock and it told on her more than before , for though plenty of blood went into her veins , her body did not respond to the treatment as well as on the other occasions . Her struggle back into life was something frightful to see and hear . However , the action of both heart and lungs improved , and Van Helsing made a subcutaneous injection of morphia , as before , and with good effect . Her faint became a profound slumber . The Professor watched whilst I went downstairs with Quincey Morris , and sent one of the maids to pay off one of the cabmen who were waiting . I left Quincey lying down after having a glass of wine , and told the cook to get ready a good breakfast . Then a thought struck me , and I went back to the room where Lucy now was . When I came softly in , I found Van Helsing with a sheet or two of note - paper in his hand . He had evidently read it , and was thinking it over as he sat with his hand to his brow . There was a look of grim satisfaction in his face , as of one who has had a doubt solved . He handed me the paper saying only : " It dropped from Lucy 's breast when we carried her to the bath . " When I had read it , I stood looking at the Professor , and after a pause asked him : " In God 's name , what does it all mean ? Was she , or is she , mad ; or what sort of horrible danger is it ? " I was so bewildered that I did not know what to say more . Van Helsing put out his hand and took the paper , saying : - " Do not trouble about it now . Forget it for the present . You shall know and understand it all in good time ; but it will be later . And now what is it that you came to me to say ? " This brought me back to fact , and I was all myself again . " I came to speak about the certificate of death . If we do not act properly and wisely , there may be an inquest , and that paper would have to be produced . I am in hopes that we need have no inquest , for if we had it would surely kill poor Lucy , if nothing else did . I know , and you know , and the other doctor who attended her knows , that Mrs . Westenra had disease of the heart , and we can certify that she died of it . Let us fill up the certificate at once , and I shall take it myself to the registrar and go on to the undertaker . " " Good , oh my friend John ! Well thought of ! Truly Miss Lucy , if she be sad in the foes that beset her , is at least happy in the friends that love her . One , two , three , all open their veins for her , besides one old man . Ah yes , I know , friend John ; I am not blind ! I love you all the more for it ! Now go . " " When you come back , Jack , may I have two words with you all to ourselves ? " I nodded in reply and went out . I found no difficulty about the registration , and arranged with the local undertaker to come up in the evening to measure for the coffin and to make arrangements . When I got back Quincey was waiting for me . I told him I would see him as soon as I knew about Lucy , and went up to her room . She was still sleeping , and the Professor seemingly had not moved from his seat at her side . From his putting his finger to his lips , I gathered that he expected her to wake before long and was afraid of forestalling nature . So I went down to Quincey and took him into the breakfast - room , where the blinds were not drawn down , and which was a little more cheerful , or rather less cheerless , than the other rooms . When we were alone , he said to me : - " Jack Seward , I don 't want to shove myself in anywhere where I 've no right to be ; but this is no ordinary case . You know I loved that girl and wanted to marry her ; but , although that 's all past and gone , I can 't help feeling anxious about her all the same . What is it that 's wrong with her ? The Dutchman - and a fine old fellow he is ; I can see that - said , that time you two came into the room , that you must have another transfusion of blood , and that both you and he were exhausted . Now I know well that you medical men speak in camera , and that a man must not expect to know what they consult about in private . But this is no common matter , and , whatever it is , I have done my part Is not that so ? " " And I guess Art was in it too . When I saw him four days ago down at his own place he looked queer . I have not seen anything pulled down so quick since I was on the Pampas and had a mare that I was fond of go to grass all in a night . One of those big bats that they call vampires had got at her in the night , and what with his gorge and the vein left open , there wasn 't enough blood in her to let her stand up , and I had to put a bullet through her as she lay . Jack , if you may tell me without betraying confidence , Arthur was the first , is not that so ? " As he spoke the poor fellow looked terribly anxious . He was in a torture of suspense regarding the woman he loved , and his utter ignorance of the terrible mystery which seemed to surround her intensified his pain . His very heart was bleeding , and it took all the manhood of him - and there was a royal lot of it , too - to keep him from breaking down . I paused before answering , for I felt that I must not betray anything which the Professor wished kept secret ; but already he knew so much , and guessed so much , that there could be no reason for not answering , so I answered in the same phrase : " That 's so . " " Ten days ! Then I guess , Jack Seward , that that poor pretty creature that we all love has had put into her veins within that time the blood of four strong men . Man alive . her whole body wouldn 't hold it . " Then , coming close to me , he spoke in a fierce half - whisper : " What took it out ? " I shook my head . " That , " I said , " is the crux . Van Helsing is simply frantic about it , and I am at my wits ' end . I can 't even hazard a guess . There has been a series of little circumstances which have thrown out all our calculations as to Lucy being properly watched . But these shall not occur again . Here we stay until all be well - or ill . " Quincey held out his hand . " Count me in , " he said . " You and the Dutchman will tell me what to do , and I 'll do it . " When she woke late in the afternoon , Lucy 's first movement was to feel in her breast , and , to my surprise , produced the paper which Van Helsing had given me to read . The careful Professor had replaced it where it had come from , lest on waking she should be alarmed . Her eye then lit on Van Helsing and on me too , and gladdened . Then she looked around the room , and seeing where she was . shuddered ; she gave a loud cry , and put her poor thin hands before her pale face . We both understood what that meant - that she had realised to the full her mother 's death : so we tried what we could to comfort her . Doubtless sympathy eased her somewhat , but she was very low in thought and spirit , and wept silently and weakly for a long time . We told her that either or both of us would now remain with her all the time , and that seemed to comfort her . Towards dusk she fell into a doze . Here a very odd thing occurred . Whilst still asleep she took the paper from her breast and tore it in two . Van Helsing stepped over and took the pieces from her . All the same , however , she went on with the action of tearing , as though the material were still in her hands ; finally she lifted her hands and opened them as though scattering the fragments . Van Helsing seemed surprised , and his brows gathered as if in thought , but he said nothing . 19 September . - All last night she slept fitfully , being always afraid to sleep , and something weaker when she woke from it . The Professor and I took it in turns to watch , and we never left her for a moment unattended . Quincey Morris said nothing about his intention , but I knew that all night long he patrolled round and round the house . When the day came , its searching light showed the ravages in poor Lucy 's strength . She was hardly able to turn her head , and the little nourishment which she could take seemed to do her no good . At times she slept , and both Van Helsing and I noticed the difference in her , between sleeping and waking . Whilst asleep she looked stronger , although more haggard , and her breathing was softer ; her open mouth showed the pale gums drawn back from the teeth , which thus looked positively longer and sharper than usual ; when she woke the softness of her eyes evidently changed the expression , for she looked her own self , although a dying one . In the afternoon she asked for Arthur , and we telegraphed for him . Quincey went off to meet him at the station . When he arrived it was nearly six o ' clock , and the sun was setting full and warm , and the red light streamed in through the window and gave more colour to the pale cheeks . When he saw her , Arthur was simply choking with emotion , and none of us could speak . In the hours that had passed , the fits of sleep , or the comatose condition that passed for it , had grown more frequent , so that the pauses when conversation was possible were shortened . Arthur 's presence , however , seemed to act as a stimulant ; she rallied a little , and spoke to him more brightly than she had done since we arrived . He too pulled himself together , and spoke as cheerily as he could , so that the best was made of everything . It was now nearly one o ' clock , and he and Van Helsing are sitting with her . I am to relieve them in a quarter of an hour , and I am entering this on Lucy 's phonograph . Until six o ' clock they are to try to rest . I fear that to - morrow will end our watching , for the shock has been too great ; the poor child cannot rally . God help us all . " It seems an age since I heard from you , or indeed since I wrote . You will pardon me , I know , for all my faults when you have read all my budget of news . Well , I got my husband back all right ; when we arrived at Exeter there was a carriage waiting for us , and in it , though he had an attack of gout , Mr . Hawkins . He took us to his house , where there were rooms for us all nice and comfortable , and we dined together . After dinner Mr . Hawkins said : - " ' My dears , I want to drink your health and prosperity ; and may every blessing attend you both . I know you both from children , and have , with love and pride , seen you grow up . Now I want you to make your home here with me . I have left to me neither chick nor child ; all are gone , and in my will I have left you everything . ' I cried , Lucy dear , as Jonathan and the old man clasped hands . Our evening was a very , very happy one . " So here we are , installed in this beautiful old house , and from both my bedroom and the drawing - room I can see the great elms of the cathedral close , with their great black stems standing out against the old yellow stone of the cathedral and I can hear the rooks overhead cawing and cawing and chattering and gossiping all day , after the manner of rooks - and humans . I am busy , I need not tell you , arranging things and housekeeping . Jonathan and Mr . Hawkins are busy all day ; for , now that Jonathan is a partner , Mr . Hawkins wants to tell him all about the clients . " How is your dear mother getting on ? I wish I could run up to town for a day or two to see you , dear , but I dare not go yet , with so much on my shoulders ; and Jonathan wants looking after still . He is beginning to put some flesh on his bones again , but he was terribly weakened by the long illness ; even now he sometimes starts out of his sleep in a sudden way and awakes all trembling until I can coax him back to his usual placidity . However , thank God , these occasions grow less frequent as the days go on , and they - will in time pass away altogether , I trust . And now I have told you my news , let me ask yours . When are you to be married , and where , and who is to perform the ceremony , and what are you to wear , and is it to be a public or a private wedding ? Tell me all about it , dear ; tell me all about everything , for there is nothing which interests you which will not be dear to me . Jonathan asks me to send his ' respectful duty , ' but I do not think that is good enough from the junior partner of the important firm Hawkins & Harker ; and so , as you love me , and he loves me , and I love you with all the moods and tenses of the verb , I send you simply his ' love ' instead . Good - bye , my dearest Lucy , and all blessings on you . " In accordance with your wishes , I enclose report of the conditions of everything left in my charge . . . . With regard to patient , Renfield , there is more to say . He has had another outbreak , which might have had a dreadful ending , but which , as it fortunately happened , was unattended with any unhappy results . This afternoon a carrier 's cart with two men made a call at the empty house whose grounds abut on ours - the house to which , you will member , the patient twice ran away . The men stopped at our gate to ask the porter their way , as they were strangers . I was myself looking out of the study window , having a smoke after dinner , and saw one of them come up to the house . As he passed the window of Renfield 's room , the patient began to rate him from within , and called him all the foul names he could lay his tongue to . The man , who seemed a decent fellow enough , contented himself by telling him to " shut up for a foul - mouthed beggar , " whereon our man accused him of robbing him and wanting to murder him and said that he would hinder him if he were to swing for it . I opened the window and signed to the man not to notice , so he contented himself after looking the place over and making up his mind as to what kind of a place he had got to by saying : ' Lor ' bless yer , sir , I wouldn 't mind what was said to me in a bloomin ' mad - house . I pity ye and the guv ' nor for havin ' to live in the house with a wild beast like that . ' Then he asked his way civilly enough , and I told him where the gate of the empty house was ; he went away , followed by threats and curses and revilings from our man . I went down to see if I could make out any cause for his anger , since he is usually such a well - behaved man , and except his violent fits nothing of the kind had ever occurred . I found him , to my astonishment , quite composed and most genial in his manner . I tried to get him to talk of the incident , but he blandly asked me questions as to what I meant , and led me to believe that he was completely oblivious of the affair . It was , I am sorry to say , " The two carriers were at first loud in their threats of actions for damages , and promised to rain all the penalties of the law on us . Their threats were , however , mingled with some sort of indirect apology for the defeat of the two of them by a feeble madman . They said that if it had not been for the way their strength had been spent in carrying and raising the heavy boxes to the cart they would have made short work of him . They gave as another reason for their defeat the extraordinary state of drouth to which they had been reduced by the dusty nature of their occupation and the reprehensible distance from the scene of their labours of any place of public entertainment . I quite understood their drift , and after a stiff glass of grog , or rather more of the same , and with each a sovereign in hand , they made light of the attack , and swore that they would encounter a worse madman any day for the pleasure of meeting so ' bloomin ' good a bloke ' as your correspondent . I took their names and addresses , in case they might be needed . They are as follows : - Jack Smollet , of Dudding 's Rents , King George 's Road , Great Walworth , and Thomas Snelling , Peter Farley 's Row , Guide Court , Bethnal Green . They are both in the employment of Harris & Sons , Moving and Shipment Company , Orange Master 's Yard , Soho . " Such a sad blow has befallen us . Mr . Hawkins has died very suddenly . Some may not think it so sad for us , but we had both come to so love him that it really seems as though we had lost a father . I never knew either father or mother , so that the dear old man 's death is a real blow to me . Jonathan is greatly distressed . It is not only that he feels sorrow , deep sorrow , for the dear , good man who has befriended him all his life , and now at the end has treated him like his own son and left him a fortune which to people of our modest bringing up is wealth beyond the dream of avarice , but Jonathan feels it on another account . He says the amount of responsibility which it puts upon him makes him nervous . He begins to doubt himself . I try to cheer him up , and my belief in him helps him to have a belief in himself . But it is here that the grave shock that he experienced tells upon him the most . Oh , it is too hard that a sweet , simple , noble , strong nature such as his - a nature which enabled him by our dear , good friend 's aid to rise from clerk to master in a few years - should be so injured that the very essence of its strength is gone . Forgive me , dear , if I worry you with my troubles in the midst of your own happiness ; but , Lucy dear , I must tell some one , for the strain of keeping up a brave and cheerful appearance to Jonathan tries me , and I have no one here that can confide in . I dread coming up to London , as we must do the day after to - morrow ; for poor Mr . Hawkins left in his will that he was to be buried in the grave with his father . As there are no relations at all , Jonathan will have to be chief mourner . I shall try to run over to see you , dearest , if only for a few minutes . Forgive me for troubling you . With all blessings , 20 September . - Only resolution and habit can let me make an entry to - night . I am too miserable , too low - spirited , too sick of the world and all in it , including life itself , that I would not care if I heard this moment the flaping of the wings of the angel of death . And he has been flapping those grim wings to some purpose of late - Lucy 's mother and Arthur 's father , and now . . . . Let me get on with my work . I duly relieved Van Helsing in his watch over Lucy . We wanted Arthur to go to rest also , but he refused at first . It was only when I told him that we should want him to help us during the day , and that we must not all break down for want of rest , lest Lucy should suffer , that he agreed to go . Van Helsing was very kind to him . " Come , my child , " he said ; " come with me . You are sick and weak , and have had much sorrow and much mental pain , as well as that tax on your strength that we know of . You must not be alone ; for to be alone is to be full of fears and alarms . Come to the drawing - room , where there is . a big fire , and there are two sofas . You shall lie on one , and I on the other , and our sympathy will be comfort to . each other , even though we do not speak , and even if we sleep . " Arthur went off with him , casting back a longing look on Lucy 's face , which lay in her pillow , almost whiter than the lawn . She lay quite still , and I looked round the room to see that all was as it should be . I could see that the Professor had carried out in this room , as in the other , his purpose of using the garlic ; the whole of the window - sashes reeked with it , and round Lucy 's neck , over the silk hand - kerchief which Van Helsing made her keep on , was a rough chaplet of the same odorous flowers . Lucy was breathing somewhat stertorously , and her face was at its worst , for the open mouth showed the pale gums . Her teeth , in the dim , uncertain light , seemed longer and sharper than they had been in the morning . In particular , by some trick of the light , the canine teeth looked longer and sharper than the rest . I sat down by her , and presently she moved uneasily . At the same moment there came a sort of dull flapping or buffeting at the window . I went over to it softly , and peeped out by the corner of the blind . There was a full moonlight , and I could see that the noise was made by a great bat , which wheeled round - doubtless attracted by the light , although so dim - and every now and again struck the window with its wings . When I came back tPresently she woke , and I gave her food , as Van Helsing had prescribed . She took but a little , and that languidly . There did not seem to be with her now the unconscious struggle for life and strength that had hitherto so marked her illness . It struck me as curious that the moment she became conscious she pressed the garlic flowers close to her . It was certainly odd that whenever she got into that lethargic state , with the stertorous breathing , she put the flowers from her ; but that when she waked she clutched them close . There was no possibility of making any mistake about this , for in the long hours that followed , she had many spells of sleeping and waking and repeated both actions many times . At six o ' clock Van Helsing came to relieve me . Arthur had . then fallen into a doze , and he mercifully let him sleep on . When he saw Lucy 's face I could hear the sissing indraw of his breath , and he said to me in a sharp whisper : " Draw up the blind ; I want light ! " Then he bent down , and , with his face almost touching Lucy 's , examined her carefully . He removed the flowers and lifted the silk hand - kerchief from her throat . As he did so he started back , and I could hear his ejaculation , " Mein Gott ! " as it was smothered in his throat . I bent over and looked , too , and as I noticed some queer chill came over me . " She is dying . It will not be long now . It will be much difference , mark me , whether she dies conscious or in her sleep . Wake that poor boy , and let him come and see the last ; he trusts us , and we have promised him . " I went to the dining - room and waked him . He was dazed for a moment , but when he saw the sunlight streaming in through the edges of the shutters he thought he was late , and expressed his fear . I assured him that Lucy was still asleep , but told him as gently as I could that both Van Helsing and I feared that the end was near . He covered his face with his hands , and slid down on his knees by the sofa , where he remained , perhaps a minute , with his head buried , praying , whilst his shoulders shook with grief . I took him by the hand and raised him up . " Come , " I said , " my dear old fellow , summon all your fortitude : it will be best and easiest for her . " When we came into Lucy 's room I could see that Van Helsing had , with his usual forethought , been putting matters straight and making everything look as pleasing as possible . He had even brushed Lucy 's hair , so that it lay on the pillow in its usual sunny ripples . When we came into the room she opened her eyes , and seeing him , whispered softly : - He was stooping to kiss her , when Van Helsing motioned him back . " No , " he whispered , " not yet ! Hold her hand ; it will comfort her more . " So Arthur took her hand and knelt beside her , and she looked her best , with all the soft lines matching the angelic beauty of her eyes . Then gradually her eyes closed , and she sank to sleep . For a little bit her breasts heaved softly , and her breath came and went like a tired child 's . And then insensibly there came the strange change , which I had noticed in the night . Her breathing grew stertorous , the mouth opened , and the pale gums , drawn back , made the teeth look longer and sharper than ever . In a sort of sleep - waking , vague , unconscious way she opened her eyes , which were now dull and hard at once , and said in a soft , voluptuous voice , such as I had never heard from her lips : - " Arthur ! Oh , my love , I am so glad you have come ! Kiss me ! " Arthur bent eagerly over to kiss her ; but at that instant Van Helsing , who , like me , had been startled by her voice , swooped upon him , and catching him by the neck with a fury of strength which I never thought he could have possessed , and actually hurled him almost across the room . Very shortly after she opened her eyes in all their softness , and putting out her poor , pale , thin hand , took Van Helsing 's great brown one ; drawing it to her , she kissed it . " My true friend , " she said , in a faint voice , but with untenable pathos , " My true friend , and his ! Oh , guard him , and give me peace ! " I went back to the room , and found Van Helsing looking at poor Lucy , and his face was sterner than ever . Some change had come over her body . Death had given back part of her beauty , for her brow and cheeks had recovered some of their flowing lines ; even the lips had lost their deadly pallor . It was as if the blood , no longer needed for the working of the heart , had gone to make the harshness of death as little rude as might be . |
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Single Edition on February 14 , 2013 We all know that red roses are the queen of Valentine 's Day , and chocolate is king . If you read my blog , you know just how much I like chocolate . Although I never heard of them before this weekend , I am thrilled to introduce Sugar and Plumm , the Purveyors of Yumm ! Chef Pichet Ong spoke to our intimate group about the delicious creations they are whipping up . Perhaps best known as a judge on Top Chef : Just Desserts , award - winning corporate pastry Chef Ong is the whimsical creator behind the sweet and savory confections of Sugar and Plumm . He combines the fond flavors of his childhood with modern cooking techniques to create culinary offerings that are seasonal , pure , light , and delightfully experimental , yet nostalgic . After introducing us to the brand , he was kind enough to treat us to their For The Love of Chocolate gorgeously packaged box of some of their finest chocolate creations . It is an amazing assortment of hand - crafted artisan chocolates with origins from around the world . This box included two white chocolate blueberry and six pure dark Mexican chocolate ganache . However , the pleasant surprises didn 't end there . Hidden below were chocolates with flavors and aromas consisting of raspberry , vanilla , coconut , hazelnut praline , jasmine tea infused ganache , ginger , milk chocolate and pure dark Peruvian . On top of allowing us to sample some of their finest chocolate creations , we were also give a pair of their brightly colored , delicate French macaroons . It was all I could do to keep myself from digging in immediately . When I untied the ribbon and opened my brightly colored box , I was blown away by the impeccably pristine chocolates before me . They were almost too pretty to eat . Luckily , that would not stop me . What did stop me was the thought of my boyfriend waiting for me at home . There 's something incredibly romantic about fine artisan chocolates that makes it sinful not to share with a loved one . On our anniversary , the day before Valentine 's day , I told my boyfriend I had a surprise for him . I told him to close his eyes and open his mouth . After a bit of trepidation , he complied , and boy was he glad he did . His face lit up from ear to ear as he savored his first bite of the dark chocolate ganache - filled heart . I sampled the white chocolate blueberry - filled heart . I 'd never tasted anything so complex and exquisite . It was heaven . I was reminded of the first time blueberry wine touched my lips , and I had to have more . The combination of blueberry and white chocolate was pure genius . I forced myself to put the box away so I could savor these the little bits of chocolate heaven for a few days ; I simply did not want the experience to end ! There was no way I could possibly ignore the fresh macaroons waiting the ultimate demise . Although there were two , I wanted the best of both worlds . As it 's rather impossible to split a macaroon , I simply bit half for myself and passed the other half to my boyfriend . We made long extended moans as we enjoyed these incredible indulgences , and that was just the vanilla macaroon . I repeated our ritual with the strawberry poppy - seed , and the moans of happiness only grew louder . The flavors transported me back to the beach with my parents snacking on strawberry Twizzlers . I was shocked to learn that Sugar and Plumm serve breakfast , lunch , dinner , weekend brunch , and every craving in between . I was expecting a purveyor of sweets , but they create works of art from homemade ice cream and macaroons , to house - smoked salmon and Berkshire pulled pork , our team of master chefs , bakers , and chocolatiers are purveyors of all things delicious and delightful . The bake shop even makes everything handmade , from scratch . The only problem you 'll find is deciding what to order ( and possibly that top button on your pants ) . Although it 's too late to place an order for Valentine 's Day delivery , if you 're looking for that perfect way to show the special person in your life just how much they mean to you , this is a perfect for Valentine 's Day - Or any of the other 364 days of the year . The have gift boxes for every budget and an in - store experience you won 't soon forget ! This Upper West Side spot with Parisian charm and a downtown vibe is sure to knock the socks off anyone who enters and will certainly not disappoint ! I live for my weekends , so if there was anything I could do to make them better , I did . I utilized my free Friday afternoons to run my errands so Saturday and Sunday would be all mine . I tried to clean and do laundry , run to the grocery store , etc . This Friday , I was very successful getting through my list . I stopped by my allergist for my weekly shot . Since I left work at 1 : 00 , I decided to eat lunch at McDonalds ( never a good decision ) . While sitting there , I noticed two men walking holding hands across the street . I was a bit surprised . I immediately thought , " We do that in Hoboken ? ! " In the six years I 'd lived in Hoboken , only once before had I seen two men holding hands . I was thrilled to see the courage and the progress . When I finished eating , I swung by the salon for a haircut and hit up the gym to lift and swim . After my swim , I called CK from the roof deck of the gym . Although we made tentative plans for Saturday night , we hadn 't discussed plans for that night . It was our anniversary . He automatically assumed I was spending the night in the city since he came to Hoboken the previous night . I was not under the same impression , so I explained I did not want to spend both Friday and Saturday night away from place . I told him to pick one . This of course turned into an argument . He complained about the trek to Hoboken , and I resented this . I 'd made the trip back into the city to be with him many times after a long day at work , and I did it without complaint . He always made it seem like torture when he had to traverse the Hudson River . The argument grew more and more heated until he threatened not to come at all . I wasn 't having any more of this , so I hung up on him . I was tired of this game we were playing . I didn 't want to argue anymore . In addition , my testosterone was already flowing after a solid workout , and my blood was beginning to boil with every complaint . After I got home and a few minutes passed , he called back ( He always was good at playing the role of peacemaker ) . He told me he 'd come to Hoboken , but it wouldn 't be until later . We discussed the argument calmly , and both apologized for getting out of hand . He explained he had assumption I was coming there all day . The idea of him trekking out to Hoboken on a bus wasn 't all that thrilling to him after having those expectations all day . I explained how one of us would always have to make the trek to the other . There was nothing we could do about that , at least for now , so the more fair and balanced we could make it ( and the less complaining ) , the less burdensome it would feel . He agreed . Hours passed , and I heard nothing from him . I felt he was dragging his feet and as every minute passed , I grew more and more annoyed . He told me he had to shower before coming over . He obviously wasn 't still showering . I was sure he was just lounging about , which is fine . But I wanted him to be lounging about with me . This wasn 't just any night after all . We were supposed to be " celebrating " our three - month anniversary . I finally got so annoyed I sent him a text : " Maybe tonight would be better spent apart . I 'm in a really cranky mood now . " It was already past 10 : 00 . At this point he was coming over to sleep and not much else . He called and told me he was already in a cab on the way to the PATH . I encouraged him not to doddle before saying goodbye . I needed to cool off before he arrived , or it was a guaranteed fight the moment he arrived . It seemed all the smallest things so easily got under my skin . I was all wound up . Work was stressing me out . Life was stressing me out … Finally , at 11 : 00 , he arrived , flowers in hand to make up for the botched night . Honestly , I would have preferred he came three hours prior , but the gesture was utterly sweet . And , I forgave / thanked him immediately . I tried to be cool with everything and have a nice time with him since it was a special night . There was no use being miserable . It wasn 't really his fault either . Work made me a miserable son - of - a - b * tch . He asked me how my day was . I further explained my new predicament and fretted over the possibility of being unemployed in the near future . I was very pessimistic about the whole situation . I certainly will hand it to him . He remained positive and tried to assure me everything would be fine . This is why I loved him so much . NO matter how much of a Debbie Downer I can be , he always picks me up and dusts me off . In spite of my pessimism , he was always optimistic . We also learned to collaborate professionally . We were helping each other bolster up our positions in the social media realm of our jobs . He taught me things I didn 't know about , and through my recent vigorous research , I taught him a thing or two as well . When I 'd had enough talk of my job situation , we agreed to order Chinese food for dinner . I was too tired to cook . While we waited for the food to arrive , we smoked to relax . He told me about his day at work and the stellar presentation he delivered to the powers that be . He was proposing a new initiative that was well received by the decision - makers . I was happy for him , but also jealous . Sure , I realize how horrible that is to say , but I 'm nothing if I 'm not honest . The rest of the night was much better than the evening had begun . Eventually , I forgot all about our fight and my emotions were back in check . We ate our food while watching TV in each other 's arms on the couch . I finished eating , but CK was still chowing down as he poured some of the General Tso 's sauce onto on his plate . After a few minutes , he started fretting . Apparently , he 'd eaten something quite hot . After investigating , I realized he ate a whole chili pepper . Tears were streaming down his face as he rinsed his mouth over and over again in the sink . Next he tried a glass of milk and a few pieces of bread . That didn 't seem to be helping . He even took to wiping his tongue with a napkin . Nothing helped . It was all I could do to maintain my composure , but after a while I couldn 't hold back . His face wasn 't the only one wet from tears . I was hysterically laughing so hard I was crying . After a good laugh , interspersed with failing advice , I consulted Google for a better solution . We 'd tried everything in the book . When I told him someone suggested eating another one , he looked like he was going to throw me out the third - story window . I was still getting a chuckle out of all this but certainly at his expense . It was torture for him , but he had no idea the gift he was giving me . He delivered exactly what I needed that night - A good laugh . Eventually the pain subsided , and he forgot all about the incident . As our eyelids grew heavier and heavier , we moved to my bedroom for the night . As tired as we were , our appetites weren 't quite satiated . We were pinning each other down for the count before we counting sheep . As hot as things were for him during dinner , things in the bedroom were even hotter . We tired ourselves out between the sheets before he finally drifted off to slumber wrapped in my arms . That night taught me something very important . No matter how much we fought , this was the man I loved , and there was no changing that . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 25 , 2012 CK and I were about to hit our two - month mark . It was two of the best months of my life , and I wouldn 't trade them for the world . I learned I could truly find love in a man , and slowly but surely , I started to give more and more of myself to him . The wall I built up around my heart was not only cracking but also crumbling . There were a handful of guys in my past I had come to enjoy the extended company of beyond a hookup , but CK was the first man I ever really came to love . My life was no longer my life . There was no longer a me . It became our life and us . I stopped making plans for one . CK was front and center in my thoughts at all times . We were living together in two homes . We were dining together , drinking together , taking trips together , etc . CK 's move to an apartment with roommates allowed him a new cashflow he hadn 't had before , however , I was trying to prevent us from blowing that on going out to dinner in the New York City . It 's not cheap , and if we were going to build a life together , he needed to start saving . I wasn 't thrilled with spending all that money going out to eat either . It wasn 't that we couldn 't afford it , but we felt it was a bit of a waste . When I was living on my own , I made dinner for myself almost every night . Going out to dinner felt like a luxury and a treat . I wanted to get back to that . We both agreed to live more economically wherever possible . Since CK isn 't the biggest cook , I even started making food and taking it to his apartment so we could have convenient meals prepared . For instance , one night after work , we grabbed some groceries and thawed the frozen spaghetti sauce I made for dinner . We cooked together in the kitchen and ate in front of his TV . It was nice , it was cheap and it was delicious . That meal cost us pennies compared to what we 'd spend going out to an Italian restaurant . We were also taking advantage of Groupons and Living Socials whenever possible so on the nights we didn 't feel like cooking , we could grab a nice dinner out and not pay full price . As a gay man , I 'm not quite as mirror conscious as some , but I am a bit vain in some aspects . I love how I look with a great tan , and I love it even more when my hair has a bit of depth and volume . Sadly , a few years ago , my hairline started receding . There was little I could do to prevent it , so I did what I could to mask it . That meant getting my haircut in a certain style , but it also meant highlighting it so it wasn 't one solid color against my scalp . This is one of my few gay vices . My hair got naturally lighter in the summer , so before the sun worked its magic , I would always try to trek home for some carmel colored highlights . My hair stylist was a magician . He never measured , but he always got my color just right . The one time I was left under the heat too long , everything slid to the back of the cap , bleaching the back of my head . He managed to dye my hair back to it 's natural color . You couldn 't tell anything went wrong . My hair stylist also charges me a measly $ 30 for the highlights and the cut . Granted it 's in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania , but it would cost more over $ 100 to have this done in New York City . Whenever I get my hair cut by someone in the metro area , they ask about the highlights . They compliment them , and I get a big kick out of telling them how much I paid for them - Their jaws hit the floor . It was particularly difficult to get home before the summer sun this year . My sister wasn 't being cooperative about trips home , so I had to plan something on my own . That meant hopping on the motorcycle and making the two - hour trek home ( costing me $ 10 in gas ) . I didn 't want to give up my weekend because that was when I went to the beach with my boyfriend , but it was nearly impossible to get away during the week . On top of this , it had to be planned around nice weather . I couldn 't make the trip home if rain was in the forecast . Summer was passing by , so I decided to take off a half day from work to get it done . After work Wednesday evening , I sped home trying to avoid traffic and made it to my parents ' house just before the sun went down . I found it very sweet that CK was worried about me . He was very concerned with my safety , even after riding with me on the bike many times . I was truly touched . I told him when I was heading home , and I texted him as soon as I got to my parents ' place . I told him it would take roughly two hours , and he was texting me worried after about an hour and a half . It showed me how much he truly cared about me and how much he loved me . " I don 't know what I would do if I lost you babe ! " he said . CK was against the trip from the onset . He didn 't like the idea of me getting highlights , but I told him to have faith . He 'd seen pictures of me in the summer and commented how good I looked . I promised him I wouldn 't come back looking like an a $ $ hole . I think he thought I was getting my tips frosted . It was also nice to catch up with my parents and have a relaxing night in front of the TV with a home - cooked meal . The next morning , I woke at the crack of dawn to hit up the salon . In an hours time , I looked like a new man , and I was back on the road . I had to get back to work by mid - afternoon . That night , CK saw me for the first time in person , after asking me to send pictures to his phone . He commented on how good I looked . " Babe , I was really worried . I thought you were going to look ridiculous , " he added . I gave him a big kiss and reminded him how I knew what I was doing , cheekily . Even if I came back looking ridiculous , I 'm sure he would have played along and told me I looked fine . We were in love , and my hair wasn 't going to change that . On the flip - side , I think the highlights worked a little magic and made me more attractive to him because , after being away from each other for a night , we had some great passionate sex before dozing off . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 16 , 2012 The morning after my friend 's wedding , CK and I woke up in bliss . We started talking in hypotheticals about our own wedding . I 'd never given any thought to my wedding since coming to terms with my homosexuality . I never had this great picture in my mind . It always just seemed like this big dream I 'd never attain . But , now that I had CK , it was growing in possibility . I still didn 't imagine our picture - perfect wedding , but I did picture myself spending the rest of my life with him . I could see us old and gray together sitting on rockers on the front porch or going for our evening constitutional after a nice meal we shared at home on the sun deck . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . This isn 't exactly how I woke up . Before all this marriage talk , I awoke to warming , wet sensation in my groin . He continue this while I slowly woke and writhed with pleasure . I reached down and grabbed the back of his head while it bobbed up and down . Eventually , I grabbed hold of his hair and directed his head up to meet mine so I could kiss him . What a way to wake up . We continued fooling around in bed until we both finished . I have had quite a few men in my life . Some of these men I 'd dated for quite some time . CK was the first man to figure out how to make me finish every time . All that remained of my former embarrassing " condition " was barely an echo of a thought in the back of my brain . CK had often times mentioned to me how stupid my previous love interests were for letting me go . It was then I realized Broadway let me go when the sex started to deteriorate . Sex was a large part of our relationship , and when I found it difficult to finish , he lost interest in me . It made me question the relationship as a whole . Was the whole thing based on sex ? Did he simply keep me around cause I was good in the sack ? None of my previous relationships have instilled any bit of confidence in me , so I thought it better to not think about them anymore . I had something new and magical to concentrate my brain power on - There was no need to live in the past . CK made me finish by manually stimulating my prostate . His magic touch is what kept our sex life alive and strong . By relieving this burden , I was able to concentrate more on other things , and I was able to relax . As a result , we had an incredibly healthy sex life . However , this comes with a price . No one likes to talk about it , but anal play can be awkward . Although I 'd learned to relax , I was very self - conscious about things . I tell you this because I want to ease your fears about this . It gets messy . There are no two ways about it . There are ways to reduce this , and I highly recommend learning them . But , in the end , you both realize it 's no big deal and move on . I 'm not saying this time was messy , but over the time I 'd been dating CK , we both became comfortable with dealing with any situation that arose . There 's nothing a strategically placed small towel and a little soap and water can 't remedy . When we finished in bed , we hopped in the shower and began to fool around more . We didn 't have sex because water is an awful lubricant ! We washed each other from head to toe , making sure not to miss any of the nooks or crannies . Afterwards , it was time for breakfast . I was being healthy , so I had yogurt . I 'd decided to begin a new diet ( and by diet I simply mean I was paying attention to what went into my face hole ) . I taught him how simple it was to make French toast , so he had that for breakfast . He was fascinated to learn how easy it was to make and enjoyed it even more knowing he made it . I had made plans for us for the day to head to a friend 's for a barbecue . I made the mistake of assuming since we were in my neighborhood , I was responsible for entertaining us . We talked and decided to take the motorcycle out for a ride before we did anything . It was only when I mentioned we 'd be dropping off food at my friend , D and K 's apartment that he learned about the barbecue . He wasn 't mad about it , but he didn 't appreciate not being consulted before plans were set . I apologized for being inconsiderate . I knew I was in the wrong and felt bad about it , but all was well . We planned to film the motorcycle ride with CK 's iPhone similar to what we did on the bikes in Central Park , but it didn 't exactly work as planned . We rigged a contraption to record the ride , but the angle of the camera was toward the road . We 'll have to make a second attempt and post the video here when we get it down pat . When we finished our ride , we went back to D and K 's apartment . There was a fun crew gathering , and I introduced CK to a few newbies he 'd never met before . We spent the afternoon eating and having fun . The conversation was bustling between everyone , but the time came for us to head out . CK asked if we could go . He wanted me all to himself . I didn 't argue because I thought it was incredibly sweet of him . I was also happy to learn he liked all my friends and enjoyed seeing how well he fit in . While walking back to his apartment , he commented how he enjoyed taking the publicly more submissive role , cradling his hand in the crook of my arm . Being a guy who likes to protect and cuddle my man , I enjoyed being the more dominant role . We really fit well together , in every sense of a relationship . It 's as if we were meant for each other . When we finally got back to his place , we relaxed in bed with some Rachel Maddow . I was exhausted after a long weekend , so I didn 't last long before I dozed off cradling the man I love . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 15 , 2012 Thursday morning I said goodbye to CK in a rush to get him to work on time . I wasn 't going to get to see him that night , but that didn 't stop us from texting each other . Thursday night , between two of my volleyball games , I text him , " Missing you hard babe . " He was on my mind , even though I was concentrating on the game at hand . He responded , and when the game was over , I told him I was off to the bar that sponsors us to celebrate . While at the bar , around 10 : 00 , I text him : " Do I get to see you tomorrow ? " I stepped outside to call him , but I got no answer . I left him a sweet message , but got no response . When I got home at midnight , I called again , but he didn 't pick up . I did a little stalking to see if he checked in anywhere on Foursquare or if Twitter would give me any leads , but no dice . I went to be disappointed and a bit worrisome . Apparently , much to my chagrin , I 'm carrying trust baggage from previous relationships . I woke in the morning to find a text message : " Hey my baby ! Sorry . Bloody phone died last night = / . Of course you get to see me . I kinda need to see you . And hold you . And kiss you . And bite you . Sleep over = ] . " It helped brighten my day . I responded back asking if he 'd rather come to my place , and I could give him a ride back into the city in the morning . I wanted to surprise him by baking cookies since his mother was coming . I thought we could bake them together , especially since there were no sharp objects involved . He texted back explaining he really needed to stay at his place so he could get ready for his mother 's arrival . I said , " Okay . " He responded asking if I wasn 't thrilled with the idea . I called him to explain and ruined my surprise . He told me how sweet I am . We made plans for me to head home after my coworker 's sendoff , bake and come back into the city . He also told me the bad news he received that he didn 't get the apartment in Brooklyn . He was so disappointed . I have to secretly admit I wasn 't all that disappointed . I felt bad for him because he was so excited about the place , but it would have been tough for us . The island of Manhattan would have separated us , not brought us together . Selfishly , I did a little research on one - bedroom apartments in Hoboken and sent him a few links . I didn 't have the best day at work . For starters , I had to say goodbye to one of my favorite coworkers . Luckily , she wasn 't going far and would be working with CK . On top of that , my coworkers neglected to celebrate my birthday . I myself don 't really celebrate my birthday , but as a department , we always do something nice for birthdays . This was the second year in - a - row skipping mine . And lastly , when everyone went for send - off drinks , I had to stay behind and finish work . When I finished working , I met everyone at the bar a few drinks in . I met my freshly ex - coworker 's gay roommate and told him my Grindr story . He was all too familiar with Grind and said , " Awww . Now I want a boyfriend ! " It was cute and nice to have a gay man to chat about my man with . When I had my fill , I left to head to CK 's . When I got to his place , I asked if I could vent for a few minutes . I told him about my bad day and my coworkers ' neglect on the part of my birthday . He comforted me and managed to greatly cheer me up . He gave me my birthday card . I read it , and I was nearly brought to tears . It was incredibly sweet and thoughtful . We only knew each other a short period of time , but he completely knew me at my core . For my birthday , he bought us a session to learn trapeze . I jumped up and gave him the biggest hug . I pulled him in and deeply kissed him . I was so happy to be with him . He was an amazing man , and I was incredibly lucky . The other part of my birthday present was him . He offered up his body for me to use any way I wanted . I was so turned on by his thoughtfulness and his passion . We climbed into bed and began groping and making out and our bodies intertwined as we stripped our clothes off . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . He laid on his back , and I pulled out the lube . When we were both prepped , I climbed on top of him , and the passionate lovemaking began . He felt amazing . This was a special birthday present - One I wouldn 't soon forget . I was incredibly happy just to spend my birthday with him , but to also get birthday sex was truly the icing on the birthday cake . When we both finished , we laid in each other 's arms cuddling . As it often times was the case with him , the cuddling was almost as good as the actual sex . I always felt safe and comfortable with him . I was crazy for this guy , and I wanted him to be mine and mine alone . We laid in bed that night watching TV until we fell asleep together with my arms wrapped around him . He was my perfect little spoon . I always slept soundly with him . This was turning out to be quite a special relationship . I woke in the morning to quite an alarm . Without warning , he removed my boxers and began blowing me . It felt INCREDIBLE ! I was already naturally excited , with my morning wood at full staff , but his mouth felt amazing that morning . This was one of the best I 'd ever received . After some time , I took control and began to stimulate my manhood with my hand . The saliva left on it provided amazing lubricant for me to get myself to the edge . While I was doing this , he was busy manually stimulating my prostate with his finger inserted inside me . It didn 't take him long , but he found my spot . It 'd been almost a year since someone found that spot and treated it just right . It was a matter of seconds before I exploded all over while my body writhed in spasm . I couldn 't move . I couldn 't speak . I couldn 't even think . I was incapacitated . This was the best orgasm I 'd had in a loonnnnggg time . When I tried to upright myself after laying paralyzed in the bed for some time , I could barely walk . My legs had gone limp and weren 't able to support my weight . I would have nearly collapsed if it wasn 't for the doorframe for me to grip for support . My old roommate texted me to wish me a happy birthday that morning . He couldn 't believe I was awake that early . The plan for that day was to head to the pier , and he wanted me to head there early . It was 8 : 00am . I wasn 't heading there that early . That morning he had to early because his mother was arriving at LaGuardia Airport . He had mentioned his desire for us to meet while she was in town , and I was quite excited by the prospect . This was a big deal , but it wasn 't . I was pretty relaxed in these types of situations , so it wasn 't stressful , but meeting his mother was no small deal . It showed he really cared about me enough to introduce us . I didn 't take it lightly and hoped it would come to fruition . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 14 , 2012 Every morning I woke up happier than the day before . I had an amazing boyfriend who would only make my day brighter . On top of that , I had an amazing new bed . I couldn 't believe the different a solid platform bed made over a standard metal frame . I slept so well , I slept through my alarm . I woke Wednesday morning at 9 : 00am . I was going to be late for work ! When I got to work , I solidified my plans with CK for the evening . I was planning to run home after work to pack an overnight bag , but after texting with CK , I learned he was planning to spend the night at my place . We would meet at his place before hitting up the show . He was hoping to get home by 7 : 00 . As the day progressed , he informed me he would be lucky if he could leave work by 8 : 00 . I decided not to run home . Instead I hung at the office and write a few blog posts . When 8 : 00 hit , he headed home , and I made my way over as well . He was going to hop in the shower , so he told me he 'd leave the door unlocked . When I got to the door , it was locked . I buzzed , and he answered in his briefs . I ran and threw my arms around him , and we had a five - minute makeout session . He was a bit sweaty and told me how gross he was . " I smell like balls , " he added . We both fell to the bed in tight embrace and began rolling around the bed . I was so happy to see him . I had missed him , but seeing him made it seem all the more extreme . I was downright giddy . We playfully rolled around the bed kissing each other all over . CK proceeded to continue to bite me . I told him to stop . I finally laid down the law a bit . I told him how much it hurts . I explained that nibbling was okay , but the biting was starting to leave black - and - blue marks . He calmed down a bit . He then proceeded to attempt to pin me down so he could playfully put his smelly balls on me . I playfully resisted and protested . Luckily for me , I 'm stronger than him . Finally , he made his way to the shower . I sat on the couch reading until he emerged . We fooled around a little more before finally making our way to snag a cab to the Lower East Side . When we got to the event at the Upright Citizens Brigade , I realized this was something organized through work . It was a packed house . It was difficult to maneuver through the full bar , especially with my work bag and CK 's overnight bag . That 's when he kinda let me have it . He pointed out just how much he hates carrying a bag around . He originally wanted to swing by his place on our way to my apartment . I suggested bringing his bag with him since we 'd already be downtown . He also pointed out to me how he wanted to drop his bag off at my apartment when we were walking through the festival that Sunday , but I didn 't make that happen . I offered to carry his bag then , and I offered to trade bags with him at the event since mine was very small and light . In the end , it was fine . He got over it and thanked me for taking care of his bag while he grabbed us drinks . We were seated shortly , and it wasn 't that much of an inconvenience . The show was hysterical . I recognized an old coworker in the crowd and someone I went to college with on stage . He was the best of the whole lot . I was very impressed . It was nice to do something fun with CK . When the show was over , he was ready to head out into the rain . We grabbed Mexican at a restaurant around the corner . It was very good and we have a good time sharing a bunch of tacos and flan . We talked about how we met and how lucky we were to find each other . We also talked about the hot bartender . I noticed him when we arrived but didn 't mention anything . It took CK until we were ordering dessert to notice and pointed it out to me . He was surprised to hear I 'd already noticed him . We hopped in a cab to the PATH and made our way to my apartment . We barely made the train . I didn 't know he needed to buy separate trips for the PATH from the MetroCard , so I quickly scanned my card for him while holding the train doors open so it couldn 't leave . As we walked to my place , I opened my umbrella , and he asked if he minded if he locked his hand on my arm . Again , I felt slightly uncomfortable , but I needed to force myself to get used to it . This was my life . There 's no changing it . I was curious what made him ask that . Was I that bad at hiding my unease ? I told him it was fine . He also wanted to see if he could figure out the way back to my place without help . I was impressed when he pulled it off . When we got to my apartment , we went straight to my bedroom . It was late , so we both stripped down to briefs and boxers . It was nice to lay in his warm embrace finally . It really made my night . It wasn 't long before we started fooling around . This of course led to sex . " Do you want to f * ck me ? " he asked . I expressed me strong desire to , but then he flipped it on me . " Can I f * ck you ? " he added . I agreed , and we got it on . ( I was very happy to see the bed hold up so well and not make a sound . It truly was a worthwhile investment . ) We both lay there incapacitated for some time before he asked if I wanted to f * ck him . " When I get feeling back in my legs , maybe , " I said . In the back of my mind , I was saving my turn for the morning . I 'm always horniest then , and it 'd been a while . I knew it would feel amazing . Instead , we started to watch Revenge . About ten minutes into the show , he was gently snoring . I woke at 4 : 00am to find the TV and lights still on . I turned them off and tucked us in under the comforters . Waking in the morning to his smiling face in mine was priceless . We kissed immediately , and I felt amazing . I really liked CK ! He was everything I needed in a man . I didn 't have one single complaint about him at that moment . He was spectacular . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . After a lot of cuddling and snoozes , he began blowing me . It felt great , but I was really hoping for penetration . Finally , positions shifted , and I found the great pleasure of being inside him . The time came to get ready for work . He needed to be there by 9 : 00 and put me in charge of making sure that happened . He went into the bathroom for some time before he emerged and asked if I wanted to join him in the shower . I obliged his request . Who could turn down such a sexy man with hot water streaming across his body ? We ended up leaving the apartment slightly late . I flagged us a cab to make up for some time , and we managed to catch the PATH just as it was about to embark . I kissed him at Christopher Street station and said goodbye . When I got to work , I was already missing him . The previous night , he mentioned his disappointment in not being able to be around for my birthday . I told him I understood . His mother was coming into town . I thought it was very sweet of him to be disappointed , especially since I don 't really celebrate my birthday . I sent him a text to let him know I missed him . He responded telling me he missed me too , and he was having a very productive and good morning . I was happy for / proud of him . I was really falling for him . I even took a moment out of my day to update my status on Facebook to reflect my new status . I couldn 't be certain where things were headed after only a month , but if things continued the way they were going , I certainly was onboard ! Maybe I would finally find love . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 29 , 2012 I 'd begun an amazing date with a spectacular man , and I couldn 't wait for what was to come next . Although I had been to Frankies 570 multiple times before with multiple dates , this time was special . I had an amazing guy to share a meal with . Ironically , my meal from days prior was so good , I ordered the same the again . Conversation over dinner we great . It flowed like water downhill . We were both very flirtatious and chatty . On many of my other dates , there were long awkward pauses , but not on this one . Everything was just so easy . When I excuse myself to go to the bathroom , he leaned in requesting a kiss first . It was incredibly sweet and adorable . I really liked this guy . He was everything I was looking for . I was just taking extra care to make sure I didn 't get ahead of myself . I had a history of falling for guys who would hurt me or not be interested in pursuing anything further . While in the restroom , I looked in the mirror to keep myself centered . All I could do was smile at my reflection like a giddy schoolgirl . When I returned to the table , the conversation picked back up where we left off . My hand was on his leg under the table . His body language was very positive . Our meals came , and we shared them with each other . Both of us were very happy with our selections . When the meal ended , we agreed to order a dessert to share . We got the crème - brulee . I dug my spoon into it and fed him a spoonful . It felt incredibly romantic . He smiled as his mouth closed around the spoon . We finished dessert and began to chat about what to do next . He was dancing around what I can only assume were his true motives . He said , " We can go have more drinks . " I interjected , " I don 't want to drink anymore . " " We can drop our bags at my place and go out . We could grab Pinkberry … " he added . I cut him off at the pass saying , " You can stop dancing around it . We can go back to your place . " He immediately smiled and agreed that was the best idea . I wasn 't thinking we were going back to his place for sex . I knew there would be making out and a lot of heavy petting , but I wasn 't planning to give it up that easily . We hopped in a cab back to his apartment . He asked if I wanted to go to the roof , and I told him I would default to him . We were on his home turf . He could run the show . I picked the bar and restaurant . It was his turn to drive . Before we got to his place , he warned me of the condition of it . He informed me he lived like a frat boy . When we got to his place , we stopped in his apartment on our way to the roof . I didn 't think he was as bad as he let on . We began making out on the bed . This , of course , led to many other things . Slowly but surely , clothes started landing on the floor in scattered piles . Eventually , we fond ourselves naked and engaging in a myriad of sexual acts , but penetration would never occur . He was a very passionate man . I have found it nearly impossible to find a man whose intellect , wit and sense of adventure outside the bedroom matched their passion in the bedroom . He was a diamond in the rough . I wasn 't going to let this one go without a fight . I noticed he was very into music . It was like he needed a soundtrack . I liked it . Every minute I was learning something new about him , and it was all making me like him even more . We never made it to the roof . We ended up passing out on top of each other 's naked body . In the middle of the night , we both woke up . It was around 2 : 00 . He offered for me to stay . I was under the impression that was already happening . I assumed I would just stay the night . We cuddled some more , and he turned out the lights . When we woke in the morning , things weren 't awkward at all . I felt very comfortable with him . We talked about how we didn 't have sex and how that made us both happy . We didn 't need to rush things . I mean , I was spending the night on a first date , but I was happy true sex didn 't occur . I was also thrilled he was the type of guy who would just bring that up and not keep it inside for fear of saying the wrong thing . He spoke his mind . I needed to get back to that . Being with him might help me get back to that . He was amazing . There was no question about it . We were both starving and decided to get dressed to hunt for some breakfast . We stopped by a few places before finally settling on Jimmy 's American Grill and Bar . We grabbed a table outside and picked up the conversation where we left off the previous night . I let my freak flag fly . I felt so free with him . I told him all about me and my idiosyncrasies . I explained my Christmas Bash and all the work I put into it . He referred to me as Martha Stewart , and I expressed my hatred for that referral . I didn 't like that my cooking and entertaining had a feminine connotation . I told him I was more the Nate Berkus type . He laughed and agreed it was a better reference . I told him about my crazy coworkers and how we would make an amazing reality show . I told him about growing up on a farm . Everything I could think of , I brought out . He loved it all ! I learned about where he grew up and his career in advertising . Every word made me like him more and more . He also told me about his friends . They texted him while we were eating to ask him to come to brunch 2 . 0 . Somehow , we got on the topic of The Hunger Games . I was reading the books , and he had already seen the movie . I told him I was looking forward to seeing the movie . He told me he would go see it again and asked if we could go see it Sunday . You could have knocked me over with a feather . He was already planning date number two before date number one concluded . I was thrilled and immediately accepted . He walked me to the PATH to say goodbye before heading downtown to meet his friends at Elmo . We kissed each other goodbye and gave a long lasting hug . There was a homeless man panhandling next to us who said , " Get a room , " through a smile . He began laughing , and I started to crack up since I was the one facing him . I said to my amazing date , " That made my day . " Immediately , he replied , " You made my day . " I was in heaven . I said goodbye and went down the stairs to the train . Later , I learned from checking his Twitter that when he checked in at dinner on Foursquare , he wrote , " Easy conversation + tasty food + hot boy = great date on a Fri night ( @ Frankies 570 w / 2 others ) " and the next day at brunch , " When last night 's date becomes this afternoon 's brunch date ( @ Jimmy 's American Grill & Bar ) . He really did like me . I was just finding it hard to take . It was like a dream . I couldn 't really believe it . I didn 't want to get too excited because I didn 't want to get hurt . But , honestly , who gives a f * ck . I was happy , and that was all I cared about . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 18 , 2012 Before my trip to Washington DC , I started chatting with a few guys on Grindr . It was bad timing for the trip to come right after " meeting " them , but it would have to do . On my way back home , I made plans with a few guys over text for dates to get to know them . One of the guys I was talking to was a bit older . He seemed like a great guy , and he was very interested in me . Of all the guys I started talking to , he texted the most . He seemed sweet , caring and attentive . While away , he asked how the blossoms were . He genuinely took an interest in me . He was texting me like a high school girl . I wasn 't annoyed . I was flattered . We made plans to grab a drink Wednesday evening after work . Since Southern Drawl didn 't want to go to The Breslin , I proposed he and I meet there for a drink . It wasn 't far from my office , and it was pretty centrally located in Manhattan . We set a time , and I stayed at the office to kill time until he could make it there . I wasn 't sure what I 'd be meeting that night . From his picture , he looked like a very mature man . He had white hair , and he told me he was possibly getting a haircut before we met . I encouraged him to keep his longer hair since I liked it , but it was his hair . I didn 't know which hairstyle I 'd be meeting . I walked in to find him standing leaning against the wall . It wasn 't too difficult to pick him out of the crowd , however , he looked much older than I originally expected . I invited him to follow me to the bar and ordered us drinks . I managed to snag two bar stools just as someone was getting up to walk away . We dove right into conversation about work . We both worked in advertising at one point , so we discussed that for a while . The more we talked , the more relaxed the conversation became . I didn 't see this conversation growing into a relationship , but he was a really nice guy . There was no reason why I couldn 't share a few rounds with a nice guy . I really didn 't think we were compatible . Somehow we got into philosophical conversation talking about life in general . He really liked my outlook on life . I wasn 't putting on a show or anything . I was just being myself . He really responded well to this . During our conversation , he came clean on his age and informed me he was 36 . That 's how old Smiles was , so it wasn 't the issue for me . He did , however , look more like he was 42 . I wasn 't sure if I believed him about his age . I wondered if he was lowballing it . We started talking about family and his family house in the Hamptons . We got on the topic of coming out , and I told him how fresh I was to the gay world . He responded well to this and told me he was new himself . He came out to a few of his high school friends , and apparently it didn 't go well . For them , it became a problem of an identity crisis . They didn 't know who he was anymore . I told him how positive my experience was coming out and conveyed my sympathy about his experience . He also told me his family didn 't know either . It appeared I was more gay mature than he was . This was a first . This was a 36 year - old man who was still living in the closet . I didn 't think I could handle that . If he couldn 't accept himself by that age , the road was only going to get rockier as we went along . After three rounds , the time came to go home . He expressed his desire to go on a second date , and I let on that this was a possibility . I didn 't want to lead him on and seem overly zealous about it , but I didn 't want to break his spirit . We walked to the corner and said goodbye with a hug . We exchanged a few texts after that , but obviously nothing ever materialized . It wasn 't that late , so I decided to text M . E . and see if he wanted to come over . He did , and when he arrived at my apartment , we immediately went to the bedroom . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . We stripped each other naked and got right down to things . There was a bit of foreplay and a lot of making out before I reached for the condoms and lube . Since being with him , I had unprotected sex with someone else . I needed to keep his safety in mind . While in DC , my results came back with no STDs and HIV negative , but I didn 't want to take any chances . We had amazing protected sex that night and fell asleep in a spooning position . When we woke in the morning , we fooled around until we hopped in the shower . There , we had sex once again . I 'm always horny in the morning , so this was even better than the night before . When we finished showering , we went back to the bed and had sex there . At one point , I even turned over and let him penetrate me . I felt I owed it to him . He was incredibly excited about it . This didn 't last long because , as he told me , he had a hard time keeping an erection after he 'd been penetrated . I was okay with this , being as it 'd been a long time since I bottomed . We laid with each other , and I tried to finish myself off but to no avail . I had a dentist appointment to get to that morning , so I could no longer dawdle . I was already late the way it was . This was going to be a rough day . How was I ever going to concentrate on anything ! ? I went back to my matchmaker once again - Grindr . I was a little addicted . I found myself spending hours out of my day on the app . I was searching with great fervor . When I woke in the morning , the first thing I did was reach for my phone and fire up Grindr . The next thing I did was grab my tablet and fire up Grindr on that . It was even better on my tablet . The pictures were bigger , I could multitask with my phone , etc . I fully realized how much time I was spending searching for a man . I saw how much of my day was stolen from me . It was like a second job . On a few occasions , I would strike up a conversation with a guy I thought worthy of my time . One such man lived nearby in Jersey City . We started chatting on Grindr , and I did what I always do . I asked him for his number so I could take things out of the Grindr app and start a conversation over text . I always asked for a picture from the start so I could keep the guys straight in my phone contact list . I kid you not when I tell you I have around 100 contacts from Grindr , Adam4adam . com , ManHunt and OKCupid . I had a system in place as well . Everyone 's name began with where I met them . I was cataloging these guys in theory . Some I never spoke to on the phone , let alone met them in person , but they were saved no less . After getting this guy 's number , We texted about chatting on the phone some night . He picked up the phone and called me . This earned him a lot of brownie points in my book . We started with the superficial things - Where we lived . He told me all about his building . I was quite familiar with it . I 'd run past it on many occasions . This morphed into a discussion about where we grew up . He was fascinated to learn I grew up out in the country on a farm . Through texting , I 'd already learned he was from Canada . I told him how surprised I was he didn 't have a Canadian accent . It popped up a few times , but quite infrequently for someone who grew up there . I learned he was slightly older than me . This wasn 't an issue for either of us . I had always liked slightly older men , but I am always leery that older men aren 't thrilled with dating a younger man . I 'm quite mature for my age , so I hope my personality can make up for the age gap . We chatted about our jobs , and I learned he worked in the travel industry . He jetted around the country and internationally quite frequently . He even mentioned the possibility of taking someone like me with him on said trips . I wasn 't getting ahead of myself , but I did enjoy the idea of traveling with my boyfriend to far off locations . He detailed many of the perks , which I really enjoyed , but I didn 't want to let that cloud my perception of him . On the flip side , I told him one of my most embarrassing secrets . I told him I 'd never left the country with the exception of Windsor Canada from Detroit . He told me it wasn 't a big deal , and he would help me remedy that issue . Somehow we got on to the topic of dating and being single and previous lovers . He wasn 't very forthcoming with the information of his major heartbreak , but all it took was one question for him to tell me the overarching story . It seemed it was a sensitive subject , but he was willing to tell me the story . He was dating a man for seven years . This was before he was traveling for work . He was scheduled to go away for work , and at the last - minute , his trip was cancelled . He came home to their shared residence to find his boyfriend in their bed with another man . I expressed my grave sympathy . After seven years with someone he must have been crushed . My heart broke for him . He told me he simply told his boyfriend he needed to move out and that was the end of them . I tried to lighten the mood and asked him what he likes to drink . Ironically , our lists shared a lot of the same drinks . It was uncanny how similar our pallets are . I learned he too is a fan of Malbec . We discussed how it would need to be present on our first date . I was happy we were on the topic of meeting for a date . He seemed like a great guy . Maybe he was the ship I was searching for in the storm . I asked him what he was looking for , and he described his ideal situation . Amazingly , our perfect pictures lined up quite impressively . I was really excited to meet him . I only had one picture , and he appeared to be an attractive man . I was more excited to meet him to see how strong the chemistry would be . It was already pretty strong considering we spoke on the phone for two hours . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on April 11 , 2012 Sunday night in LA , I took quite a blow to my heart . I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable goodbye , but I didn 't get to say goodbye . I 'd driven all over LA trying to connect with The Navigator , but he wasn 't responding . I faced facts and drove to the airport . I had no idea what else to do with my time , so I just drove to the car rental lot and returned my car . I figured I could at least use some time at the airport to blog a bit . I sat int he airport diner and ate my dinner alone . My flight home was awful . First off , it was a redeye . I was set to land at 6 : 00am Monday morning . I had to go to work later that day so I tried my best to sleep on the plane . It was also awful because I was crammed in a widow seat towards the back of the plane . My airline status with United got me nowhere . I barely fit in my seat , and I wasn 't able to stretch out and walk around because the two men next to me were sleeping the entire flight . I managed to sleep for two hours , but woke up after that . I had no feeling in my ring and pinky finger of my left had . Apparently I slept on it funny . When a fair amount of time passed , and I never regained feeling , I became worried . Maybe I had a blood clot or maybe I 'd done some nerve damage . I tried to think about other things and distract myself , but I really started to get worried . I took out my laptop and did some more blogging , but even that was a challenge with two numb fingers . I was really starting to worry , but the feeling didn 't return the rest of the flight . ( Four weeks and a doctor appointment later , and I finally regained feeling - I had a nerve impingement - Cubital Tunnel Syndrome ) . I was exhausted all day at work Monday . I 'd only gotten a few hours sleep on the plane and about one hour in my own bed before work . When I got home after work , I was still horny from my rambunctious trip . I was on Grindr , and a cute guy from the city wanted to come over for some fun . I didn 't turn him down since he was hot and said he 'd wear his jockstrap . When he arrived , I realized he was a redhead . He also had a slight Hispanic accent . He was also quite a presence clocking in at 6 ' 4 ″ . He was not born in America , but had been here a majority of his life . He was decent on the eyes , but nothing you 'd run to your friends about . When he arrived we went straight to my room . He slowly got undressed and comfortable until we were both laying on the bed , me in my boxer briefs and him in a jockstrap . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . I found the jockstrap very sexy . I 've always been attracted to the athlete types and find locker rooms to be one of the sexiest places . They just turn me on . Always have . The jockstrap really gave him the leg up in my book . He was looking for a hot top , and I agreed to fill the position , literally . I broke out the condoms and lube , and we have a good time . Sometimes it was a little weird and awkward , but sex is never perfect ! He really seemed to be enjoying himself . I did as well , but I could already tell this guy was going to linger . He was a gentle spirit . This would be no wham bam thank you man . I was going to have to sit through some pillow talk . He started talking about his grandmother and how she is sick . He was flying home the following day to see her before she passed away . It wasn 't looking good . I started to feel bad for him , but then my emotions became distracted when he mentioned things like sleeping with her in her hospital bed . He looked like he was ready to cry , but all I could think about was this strange layout in a hospital room . I understood he was close to her , as she was responsible for raising him , but some of the things he was saying with his accent seemed very strange to me . There was obviously a cultural divide . After we chatted some more , and he asked if he could use my shower . Now he was really pushing it ! I obliged the request , but after that , he was gone . He showered and toweled off . He began to get ready to go home . He talked about getting together again when he got back . He mentioned how heartless a lot of the other guys he 'd hung out with were , and how sweet I was . He said how much he liked me . He wanted this to be an ongoing thing of friends with benefits . He told me his real name and that the name he gave me , Keith , was completely made up . Someone was a little paranoid . I felt like I found a stray puppy who wanted to follow me home . There would never be a next time , but I told him to hit me up when he got back from visiting his grandmother . After about three weeks , he did of course text , and I of course did not respond . |
Last night 's dinner went well . Mom liked it although she did her usual " will I have a problem if I eat this ? " She is very worried about missing the bathroom . She NEVER has and I don 't understand , but I just reassure her she is fine . She is having a rough day although perhaps now she is out of it . She was crying while she helped me get dressed and while we were at Tim Horton 's . She won 't tell me why . So I just let her cry and hand her Kleenex . She let me sleep in today until 11 : 30 , in fact , she wasn 't even out of bed before me today and that has never happened . I don 't know if that is part of her bad start to the day . I am going to put some Walker Texas Ranger ( we are on season 6 ) in , she likes that . We have nothing to do today . Tillie was supposed to come over but yesterday her real estate agent called and wanted to meet her today after the showing of the house . We think there might be an offer . She certainly can 't missed that ! I hope it is what she wants for the house . Houses just aren 't selling so I don 't know if they will offer her what she wants . Over here , not much is selling at all except foreclosed houses because you can get them cheap . I have to come up with the tax money for 2008 or we will lose the house . I think we have enough to pay it . I hope so ! Well , it is still cold here but not as cold . I hope your day will be good . I plan to watch TV with Mom , read my book , and knit . Have a good one ! I am using my slow cooker ! ! ! ! Yup , I have potato soup , corn , and mushrooms in it . I make it kinda like a stew . I would add chicken , but the pieces of chicken I bought were breaded . didn 't mean to do that , it was $ 6 too , so a waste of money . I will have to find something else to use them with . I have the ham thawing for tomorrow 's dinner , rice , spinach and ham . Kinda scary that I am cooking a bit this weekend . Mom helped me open everything and put stuff in the crock pot so I wouldn 't have to stand super long . I think after about 2 minutes my left hip starts to protest a lot , so standing is not the best for me . Doing laundry with this problem is a nightmare . Mom helps though so that is good . It is getting harder for her to help me as her memory decreases , but she still can do some things . She , as usual , is sleeping in her chair . We spend a lot of time in the dining room because that is where the TV is . I know Katie said she would move it to the living room , but there is no room in there with the 2 pianos and the stereo . It is a very crowded room as it is , and the TV just wouldn 't fit . But I was thankful she asked . Not much to do right now . I loaded the dishwasher and cleaned off the counter . I will swiffer in a bit and do it in sections . I found my stylus pen for my DS last night . I was very excited about that . It has been missing for a month . It flung out of my DS holder one night and I couldn 't find it . I found it hiding under the table . I guess I didn 't swiffer very good the last few times I swiffered . It has warmed up a bit here , Mom is still freezing , but not as cold as last night . She has only one little hoodie on and a blanket around her . I have the little heater in the kitchen going to so that helps a lot . It is facing her and blowing directly in her direction . I get a little bit from it , but she gets the most . Works for me , I am not as cold as she is . I also didn 't have to turn the heat up yet . Probably will when the sun goes down . This week is supposed to be much warmer so yeah ! for that . Other than cleaningPosted by It feels like 50 below out today . Mom is still in her winter coat right now . I will get her out of it eventually and then put her in blankets . I did turn the heat up again today . It is just so cold in here . When it is around 30ish , it isn 't so cold in the house , but man , get below that and wham ! it 's cold in here . I turned the heat up a lot last night and I should have just turned it up a bit and put another blanket on mom , she complained it was too hot upstairs at bedtime . Can 't win with this weather can I ? It makes me frustrated but I try not to get to frustrated about it because she can 't help it . We had to go to Tim Horton 's today because we had no milk or bread , so we had nothing to eat for breakfast . She didn 't do too bad , it is just around the corner and it was quick in and out . Then back to the house . I am going to cook with the slow cooker tomorrow ! I am going to take potato soup , corn , chicken , and another veggie and put them all together ! I have made this before and mom seems to like it . It is really good potato soup , nice and thick the way I like it . It is almost like a stew , so that it is really yummy ! I am going to do some knitting today while we watch mindless TV , not much good on during the day until Oprah , and I will miss her today because Zach is having a make up lesson and Rachel and Rebecca are having their lessons too . I don 't really mind because if I had to chose between the two , you know I 'd pick lessons . Speaking of lessons ! I have a new student , Heather 's daughter , Calli . She is 9 and a doll . She is going to hopefully start next week . I sent Heather my schedule so she can work in what will work with her . I am excited about this . All my girls are just going to love her and her little brother . I just know it . Acer is still a little small for lessons , he is only 5 , but maybe when he gets older he will too . One never knows . I hope you are staying warm ! It is very cold here in Michigan . It is supposed to warm up on Monday , so let 's hope so . Time to get the blankets out ! We were at Heather Bowman Thomlinson 's house today . Mom did pretty well there , but not with the cold . We aren 't going out this weekend until it warms up a bit on Monday , she just can 't take it . She has major meltdowns over being cold . It makes me really mad , but there isn 't anything I can do about it except throw more blankets on her . I am not happy about this development at all . It means no sewing tomorrow , which I look forward to each week . I am trying not to be mad , but it is a losing battle . I hate the disease she has , I hate it more than the diseases I have . She , of course , is unaware of how upset this makes me , which is actually good because she would meltdown again over that . Anyways , after that , today has been fun . I relearned how to knit from Heather BT . I am going to practice more tonight . Silly me though , I bought the wrong type of needles and yarn . I should have called her but I didn 't . Sometimes my brainlessness is amazing . I will return all the yarn except one because I am going to make trivets for the table with them and one set of needles and get the right type . I knitted about 4 rows before her children came in . No use knitting when her children arrive . Mainly because they have all my attention and mom 's . I hope you are warm and sunny today ! Try to stay warm unless you live somewhere warm , if you do , yeah ! Wish I was there ! I GOT MY CROCK POT TODAY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Can you tell I am a bit excited about it ? Sunday dinner will be the first time I use the pot for company . Tillie is coming over for dinner . I went grocery shopping ( definitely not my favorite thing to do ! ) today for every thing we will need to cook in the pot . Mom , of course , went with me and helped me get them into the house . I also bought her a pair of slippers so her feet will stay warm and she won 't have to wear boots in the house , which I hate . Mainly I hate it because I have a hard time cleaning and wearing outside shoes in the house dirties the house faster . We will take sat afternoon to clean the kitchen / dining room floor and the stairs and the bathroom floor . I am trying to spread out the work during the week so we don 't have to take a full day to do them . I love my swiffer dry and swiffer wet jet . They work so well and don 't leave a film on the floor . I will also be cleaning up the kitchen on Friday night and Saturday afternoon so that it looks nice for company . I know Tillie doesn 't really care what it looks like , but I do and I am tired of a dirty kitchen / dining room and a non perfect bathroom . Mom and I went to see the movie " the Tooth fairy " this afternoon . It was cute . Julie Andrews was in it and she is great in everything she does . Mom liked what she saw of it , she did , as usual , fall asleep a brief time during the movie . We had a semi showing with only a few other people in the theatre and it was in the big one . After that , we went to Olive Garden for dinner . It was good , but the waitress was slightly dippy . I was unhappy with her so she didn 't get the great tip I usually leave . We were eating ( forks up and down eating not just sitting on the table ) and she asks me if we want boxes . Hmm , let 's think about this , we ARE EATING ! No we don 't want boxes yet . The she handed me the check without asking us if we wanted dessert . Well , what if we did ? I hate that . She rushed us through the meal . She won 't last too long there , she is not waitress material for that restauPosted by So , yeah , I know what time I am meeting Wendy , it 's 1 : 30 , she works until 1 : 00 pm . Guess when I remembered that , when we were waiting for her . She was right on time , we were early . Actually , it worked out pretty well because I was able to feed Mom some soup since she was cold and another donut before Wendy arrived , so that was good . Next time though , I will get the time right for me . Silly me ! We had a great time , at least I did , Mom did really well , she doesn 't say much , just quietly sits there and listens . She did have a hard time sitting at the end so it was good that Wendy had to go and pick up her son from school . Mom is doing fine now , back to her normal self . It was so fun talking with Wendy and realizing how much everyone has changed since high school . I am looking forward to the next reunion . I hope to meet with Wendy again soon . It was just so awesome . We didn 't really hang out in high school , we each had our own circle of friends , but it sure is nice to be friends with people I went to high school with now . On face book I am friends with several that I was mostly casual friends with , more like people I knew , but didn 't really know well . Kathy told me I would be happy about this , I should have listen to her years ago , but I was just too stubborn for my own good . I told Wendy about Kathy and her kids and how they are doing . I hope to take a day trip in March to see Kathy and the kids . February is just booked on the weekends , the 13th is the benefit concert and I will be broke after that , then the following weekend is competition , so next month weekends are busy . Maybe the last weekend in Feb , we shall see what her schedule is like . Mom really liked going to visit her when we did in December . Day trips are good for her right now , just the right size for her . She doesn 't get to confused because we are coming home for the evening . I still don 't have my back disability so I don 't know if we are staying over night at competition or not . I am sort of thinking we shouldn 't even if the money comes in because MomPosted by I am meeting Wendy today at 1 : 00 pm . I can 't wait . It shall be fun . I almost typed me fun . Silly me . Mom had a rough morning this morning , but I was up to the challenge . When I realized she was in a bad cycle , ( it only took 15 minutes this time instead of 3 hours ) I got up , she helped me get dressed and then we went to get breakfast . She got out of it by the time we were getting breakfast . She is sleeping in her chair right now . Nothing new there . I hope to take her to a movie tomorrow and I am going to see if Tillie wants to come with us . Anyways , not a long post today . See you later ! It 's been a day . I did enjoy the 3 lessons I had , but other than that it was just a day . Mom 's friend , Jose , can to look at her shower . She took the door off about 5 or more years ago because my brother kept flooding the furnace room when he took a shower . It was annoying , darn near ruined the floor and the ceiling . Then Mom took the door off and he had to take a shower in the tub bathroom . I don 't know why Jose wants the door on but I think he thinks it will help mom . It won 't , but some day it needs to go back on . I am getting tired of tripping over crap in the house but there isn 't much I can do about it right now . Any time I try to clean it up or reorganize , Mom flips out . She is afraid that I am going to throw her stuff out . I am not , but she doesn 't believe anyone . I will , however , throw away garbage like her stupid pieces of Kleenex or paper towel that she carries around every day and then takes them out of her jackets and puts fresh in the next day . I am meeting Wendy for tea tomorrow . I am very excited about that . I haven 't seen her in over 20 years , more like 23 years since high school . Who would have thought ? Not me . I was the one who never wanted to go to the reunions , now I will probably go to the next one , providing I find someone to watch mom for me . She isn 't coming with me to that . I put my foot down on that . I take her everywhere else . I am rather tired now . It is about 7 pm , not quite bed time . Mom is always ready for bed anytime after 5 pm . We will go up in about an hour . I wonder how Richard is doing . He should really come and visit Mom while she still knows who he is . She is slowly forgetting all of us , she even asks if I am Heather sometimes . Usually first thing in the morning or late at night . During the day she is fine . She doesn 't do this everyday , mind you , just once in a while about once every other week . I will be getting the new crock Wednesday ! I can 't wait . I am inviting Tillie over for Sunday dinner , I will be making what my friend 's children call green rice and ham . It is rice , spinPosted by It 's raining outside , but warmer than it was . We are supposed to get the super cold weather back later this week . Ugh . Not happy about that , not happy at all . I am really tired today , I tried to sleep in but with Mom , you know how hard that is . I think I will slip into the front room and try to sneak a nap in on the chair . She usually leaves me alone there for a while anyways . She is sleeping in her chair as usual . And I wonder why she doesn 't sleep much at night , right , I know why , she sleeps all day . Debbie will have her lesson later today . Wish it was more than just Debbie , but , nothing right now I can do about it . Mom is doing alright today except for the sleeping part . That is actually normal for her . Sleep during the day , up during the night . I have tried to fix it , but I am losing the battle . As long as she is blocked in upstairs , she is fine . She does get some sleep at night , just not as much as I would like her too . Pain is medium to high today in the head . My right side is going to fall off soon . I took an Advil even though I really am not supposed to , but the Tylenol is just not cutting it . Not much happening today , hopefully better this week . I will be seeing my friend , Wendy , on Tuesday and I will see Heather on Thursday so my week is looking good . The only day that will be boring is Wednesday as of right now I have no lessons scheduled for then , Rachel and Rebecca don 't have their lessons scheduled yet , so I hope to know when theirs are soon . I hope your day is sunny and nice out unlike the yucky rain we are getting . We went to Chili 's tonight , well , this afternoon for dinner . They were having a special two for $ 20 that included an appetizer , 2 entrees , and dessert ! We had a gift cert from Christmas from Richard , so I thought , why not ! ! ! Mom still does well going out to eat so off we went ! I had two lessons earlier , was supposed to be three , but turned out to be 2 . It was still a good day . Mom and I are now watching Walker , Texas Ranger , season 5 disc 4 episode 2 . We love this show . After this we are going to go to bed , it 's been a long day for her . I might read a bit in my room . I am reading a really good book right now . I have read it before , but it still good . Mom gave it to me for Christmas . About 2 days before Christmas she said she wanted to give me books for Christmas so we went to the used bookstore for them . I got 7 books for about $ 21 . Mom saw a Curious George Christmas book and I asked her if she would like it , she said yes , so I got it for her . It was expensive ! It cost about $ 14 but she likes those kind of books and doesn 't have much time left so I got it for her . A small thing to bring her much pleasure . I also got her a puzzle book , the type where every page is a puzzle . There are about 8 pages in it . It was Christmas theme . Next year , I don 't anticipate a very good Christmas for her , I don 't think she will remember much by then so I am trying to pack as much as I can into this year for us , despite the shortage of funds . She likes simple things that don 't cost a lot of money . We watch a lot of movies and TV together . She likes that a lot , even when she falls asleep during them briefly . She is wide awake tonight , I don 't know why , but hey , I am not questioning it . Pain is not so bad considering I am completely out of prescription pain pills . The refill will be ready Monday , but I don 't know if I will have the money , if Grace has a lesson , then I will otherwise I will need to wait until Wednesday . I have Tylenol so it isn 't like I have nothing for pain and if really necessary , Advil . I don 't take Advil because of Posted by Sewing day this afternoon . The girls are doing really well including the littlest one . She pined her first piece of material today . She pined really nicely , all straight and a little close together , but other than that , she did awesome . I get to learn how to knit next week . Can 't wait . My friend , Heather , is going to teach me . Mom is getting used to my friend who has the same name as me , it doesn 't confuse her as much as it used to . We to start this endeavor next week . I am very excited to learn this task again . I used to know when I was a kid , but that was a long time ago . Other than sewing , rather boring day after that excitement for the day . I have 3 students tomorrow and 1 on Sunday . So between the hours of 1 pm to 2 : 30 pm , I will be busy , and then , not so much , another boring day . Outside of the 5 : 30 to 6 : 00 pm tomorrow , Sunday is looking rather dull too . It is the week before Mom 's money comes in so we are slightly broke , so no movie , not that I think anything good is playing . We saw a lot this summer , that was fun . I have a couple more letters to write about lessons . I hope to hear something from someone , I can 't believe that neither teacher has taken me up on this plan . I mean , free lessons for 2 of their students , really . I just don 't understand it . Pain is high right now , don 't really know why since it is warmer than it was yesterday . We shall see how tomorrow goes . I hope your day is good . Kinda of a grumpy day for me . Mom keeps asking me if I am tired yet . That would be because she is up during the night and not sleeping so she is tired during the day . She was up at 1 pm moving crap in her room around and , well , she fell on her cross stitch bag that should never have been on the floor . I don 't know where she got that from because it wasn 't there when I put her to bed . Fortunately , she didn 't hit her head so we didn 't have to go to the ER . We were lucky there . She doesn 't remember falling , but I sure do . I had to move two other bags that she moved into her room , I don 't know where these bags came from , but they were tossed way into the back of the spare room so she can 't get them again . I am not dealing well with her today , she isn 't doing anything different or worse than any other day , I just am grumpy , very grumpy . I had my blood test and the nurse got in one shot , so yeah , on that . I went to the tummy doctor for the 3 month check and the physician assistant asked how mom was doing and I told her she lost 7 more pounds . Now she is going to get a CT scan and a blood test , so that is good . She is trying to get to the bottom of this weight loss . It just falls off her . I need to lose the weight , not her . I , of course , managed to gain another 3 pounds . At this rate , goodness knows how much I will weigh soon . I have got to do something , I am watching my food and I don 't eat the junk food . I give that stuff to mom . At least my cholesterol went down both the bad one and the triglycerides or however you spell it . We have the sub meeting tonight so I am very glad about that . I may not be so grumpy but I can 't just stay at home tonight and do nothing , it is driving me crazy . Maybe we will go to Starbucks in a few minutes to get out of the house again . I just can 't stay here right now . I need to do something with Mom 's room , it is a death trap , literally . If she needs an ambulance , they would NOT be able to get the stretcher in her room , that is how bad it is . Throwing out her stuff or even reorganizing it upsePosted by Mom is all set . She has her card she needs to be put on the list in Windsor . When the card comes in we will go and take care of it . We were at Tillie 's this afternoon . She even made us dinner ! It was good , she made pork , veggies , and fries . Mom ate the fries which shocked me because they were seasoned and she doesn 't do well with seasonings . She did get a bit of a tummy ache afterward , but she is fine now . She is actually sleeping in the chair at the dining room table while I am watching Law and Order SVU . Now she awake again . I tried to go on the website for Canada pension because Mom paid into it when she was in the service , but for some reason it wouldn 't accept her number . I will double check that I have her proper number and try it again tomorrow . I have a blood test and a doctor appointment all in the same day tomorrow . Lucky me . Yeah . I am so happy about that . NOT ! ! ! It is an appointment with the tummy doctor to check for side effects on the medicine I am on . I don 't have any so I am happy about that . Apparently it can cause some serious side effects and there is a group trying to get it pulled off the market . I am rather screwed should they do that as nothing has worked like this . Hopefully they won 't . Then in the evening , we are going to the subdivision 's board meeting , always an interesting time . Mom goes with me . I think she enjoys the meetings too , she is just quiet during them . Pain is normal today . No big deal , nothing unusual . I hope your day is going well like mine did . Oh , and tomorrow , I will work some more on the Christmas ornaments . It 's Tuesday and 3 lessons again today . Katie just had her lesson . She is really improving a whole lot . It is awesome . She is working hard on her competition songs . She is planning to sing them for the benefit too . Might as well , get as much out of those songs as possible , plus , competition is a week after the benefit so she will be more than ready with those . Frank is not as ready as I would like . Rachel , not sure of , haven 't seen her in a couple of weeks . Zach and Charlie have their lessons tonight too then we are going to the little cafe for dinner . I don 't feel like cooking or heating up anything . I have to empty the fridge though , I just remembered that . We have old food that needs to be removed . Mom is having an okay day - not great or good , but not too bad . She got upset when I went upstairs and she forgot where I was . She needs to be with me everywhere so she feels safe . This morning was her usual coming in and out . Gating her upstairs definitely keeps her up there . She doesn 't even think about going near it any more , so I am very happy about that . I finished Rachel 's music today . Ugh , it was a hard one . Mostly because I know I have a good tape accompaniment of it , but I can 't find it so I had to put it in finale . But it is finally done ! Both of her songs are done . The prayer was easy , but not upon this rock . Frank and I worked on Alleluia yesterday . He is accompanying her at competition , they will get together next week . He almost has the song memorized which is good . He just needs to memorize all his stuff ! I get nervous around this time every year for competition . It just gets nerve wracking ! I am not in charge of how much that the kids practice and stuff so that is what gets to me . My side is sore today - not sure why . Other than that , not too bad in the pain level . We are heading for Windsor tomorrow . I have to bring Tillie her mail when we go . We are having dinner around 4 : 30 ish . At least I don 't have to cook tomorrow ! ! ! Have a great night ! I had my usual 3 lessons for the day . After a really boring day yesterday , today was a sigh of relief . I have 3 lessons spread out tomorrow so I am very happy about that ! ! ! The news was on and Mom started crying , so I changed to Golden Girls . She loves the show a lot even though I think we have seen every episode at least once if not twice . It is an interesting show this one . We will probably watch the next couple episodes because Mom can 't handle the news about Haiti today . I mean , it is so awful what happened , and I am glad there are a lot of people over there helping them . Other than the lessons , not much going on . It is just boring days around here . I would prefer more excitement , but good excitement , not the bad type . Pain is normal today . Mom is doing alright outside of the crying from the news . We don 't watch the news a lot because she is very emotional these days . She did wake up at 1 am and was ready to go for the day until I told her what time it was , she went back to bed after that . I hope she sleeps through the night tonight ! I hope your day is good . I am watching the movie Fame . It is the remake , the 2009 version and so far it is really dumb . We just watched Night of the Museum , the first one . it was good . I loved the TV series Fame , but this movie is just not good . I don 't remember the original movie except I didn 't like it either . I thought this would be better . If it doesn 't improve in the next few minutes , it 's going off . finally , a song I actually know , Out Here On My Own . I love this song , I sung it for competition when I was about 19 and won . It was the first time I got first place . Mom is alright today , she woke up early as usual but she wasn 't confused , so that was good . She did her usual coming in and out of my room a lot . It gets annoying but I can 't do anything about that , she doesn 't realize I am trying to sleep ! I don 't understand how she misses the point as my eyes are closed ! But she does miss the point every day . No point in trying to get her to realize I am trying to sleep , she will just get upset and then that would be the end of it . She woke up at 3 am and didn 't want to go back to sleep . She did once I told her what time it was . Then she woke up again at about 7 and I don 't think she went back to bed . She is tired now and was sleeping on the chair . i thought she was going to sleep during breakfast . I really did , her eyes were closing and everything . Okay - just took the movie Fame out and put in Walker , Texas Ranger season 5 disc 3 . Definitely , a better choice . Pain is a bit high , I don 't really know why today , I didn 't do anything to increase it , but it is high , especially in the left shoulder , the annoying one . I don 't know what I did to it in the first place . It started in June and hasn 't really let up since . I can 't move it completely upright yet . I should be getting a cortisone shot soon after I get my next blood test . I have to do the blood test on a Tuesday so that the shot can be done on a Friday . We shall see . Ross says they do help , I was sceptical about the whole idea . I mean , I have tried so much that hasn 't worked yet . It has bPosted by The last two days have been fun filled until right about now . Mom is having a rough evening . I gave her medicine so I hope it kicks in soon . She was great yesterday at my friend , heather 's house . She does really well there now , so I am happy about that . It wasn 't too windy so she wasn 't freaked out about the wind . We were at sewing earlier this afternoon . She was falling asleep there a lot . I picked up our dinner on the way home . I just gave her an ensure , she needs to gain about 23 pounds to get to 120lbs . I just don 't want her to lose any more weight so I just keep feeding her . It doesn 't do a whole lot of good since she is still super tiny , but I try . I would gladly give her what I don 't want , but it just doesn 't work that way . We are watching the news about the earthquake in Haiti , how awful . About 140 , 000 people killed , that is the new estimate . The looting has started there too . That is awful , it just shows how desperate the situation is . I feel for the people there , I can 't imagine such a situation as theirs . Mom is calming down now , the medicine is kicking in . She has stopped crying now and is not asking so much where are we and when will we go home . We are already home . She isn 't normally like this . This is an unusual night . I don 't know why this happens every few weeks . It isn 't her normal nightly behavior . She is hard to pin down . She has done a bit of hallucinating about me as a little girl but that only has happened 2 times both in the morning . Once I break whatever cycle she is in ( usually leaving the house ) she forgets all about the little girl and she is fine . She does get upset over the news at times so I change the channel when that happens , we have many choices and if there isn 't anything good on TV , I put it a disc that she likes . We don 't have to do this too often , but when it becomes necessary , I take care of it . She isn 't ready for a nursing home yet , I do know that will happen in the future , but she won 't do well if we place her now . She would probably stop eating ( that 's what she does whenPosted by I am going to my friend Heather 's today ! I will see her adorable 2 kids and her ! I am very excited about this ! Can you tell ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Not too much going on today . I have to print the coupon for border 's books so I can get this month 's book club book . Aggie chose it . It 's one of her favorite books so I think I will probably like it . I like reading different books than I normally would have , it makes life interesting , and I need an interesting life . Usually , it is kinda dull nowadays . It was interesting when we had the store , but now , not so much unless I am teaching , then it is fun . We ran into Irv and Rosemary at Tim Horton 's this afternoon , what a fun time ! They are our neighbors who live down the road from us . He is president of the subdivision board of directors . I am a board member so I see him once a month at the meetings and I run into Rosemary a lot at Tim Horton 's . It is always fun chatting with her . Mom 's tummy is back to normal today . Thank goodness ! She didn 't feel so hot last night with a sore tummy but now she is fine . She is sleeping in the chair again . We didn 't go to Windsor today after all , I just didn 't have the time this morning as I wasn 't feeling so hot myself . I feel better now , but my head is not too happy with me . It is better , but not enough to have to actually think on filling out papers . I will go next week . Thursday this week and next week are doctor appointments so that only leaves Wednesday for going to Windsor , unless I have a make up lesson , which I won 't know until next week . I have to finish Rachel 's song in finale for competition . It is a rather difficult song and I have a tape of the accompaniment somewhere , I just don 't know where . I wish I could find it , but I have looked and I don 't see it anywhere . I am going to look in the office again in case it is hiding in there . I hope so , it would be better than what I am trying to do . I hope you are having a good day and doing well ! I am rather tired now . It is about 8 : 30 pm . I am watching NCIS . I love this show . Mom has a tummy ache tonight . I gave her some medicine so I hope it is working . I don 't think either one of us are up for something lasting long tonight . Poor thing , she is sleeping in her chair . She has had a couple of decent nights and days the last couple of days . I am very thankful for that . We were planning to go to Windsor tomorrow but with Mom 's tummy , we shall see . It has been hurting her on and off all day so we may just stay home and go next week , all depends on her . I am seeing my friend , Heather , on Thursday . I am so excited about that . Mom loves her kids , they are awesome . I have some piano CDs for the little guy , Acer , to figure out on the piano . I hope he likes them . Calli plays too and she is doing really well . I hope to find some information about teaching children with vision impairments how to play the piano . It sounds very fun to me to learn how to do this . I am hoping it helps Calli and Acer who love music . Mom has done really well the last few nights . I am happy about that . Her tummy isn 't doing so good right now or all day . She gets tummy aches every so often but I did take her to the specialist and they did a lot of tests and she doesn 't really have anything wrong . So I am glad of that . Pain level is medium and I am a bit cold . I have the little heater on the table but it is facing Mom right now because she is even colder than I am . It is supposed to warm up in the next few days , man I hope so because it is really cold tonight . I have another blanket for Mom 's bed and two more for mine . I know will have 6 blankets on my bed . My room is the cold room in the upstairs . Mom 's is the medium room , my old room is the hot room of the upstairs . I hope you are warm wherever you are ! or at least trying to stay warm ! Well , I was WRONG ! We can have a great night and a good morning all in the same cycle ! Mom did great last night , she went into bed and didn 't get up until she needed to go to the bathroom and this morning did well too ! I am soooooo happy about that . She let me sleep until the alarm clock went off ( too early if you ask me , I reset it for 25 minutes later ! ) and then let me sleep again until it went off again . Then she helped me get dressed and we brushed the teeth and were ready to go . All in all , a great day so far . Bob had his lesson , the girls had theirs , Grace will have hers later in the week , and Frank will be here tonight . I love the Mondays of the month . Tuesdays are a close second . Wednesdays and Thursdays are not so fun because there are no lessons , but hey , can 't have everything can you ? ? ? I actually spoke to both of my brothers yesterday . Shocking I know . Andrew called to see how Mom is doing and I called Richard last night . Both are doing alright , Richard is still working so that is awesome . His job is a temp one and the contract was supposed to be up in August / September , but he is still there . I hope he finds another one quickly after this one is over . I think my brothers are missing out on Mom too much . At least Richard is , Andrew was , but he saw Mom at Christmas and I think he realized that if he doesn 't stay in touch with Mom , eventually she won 't remember him . Richard lives so far away from us but he works about 4 hours away . I don 't know if he will come and visit or not or just let his memory fade away from her . I , on the other hand , even with the rough spots , love being with mom all the time . I get her and they miss out . I hope we will visit Andrew a bit more now because Mom really enjoyed spending the time with him over the holidays . I got in touch with the alumni chapter of Mu Phi Epsilon . They are a music fraternity that I was a member of in college . Was supposed to have a meeting tonight , but they are canceling it because of the white stuff coming down ! ! ! ! ! ! I will have to wait until next month Posted by So I guess either I have Mom have a good night and a bad morning , or a bad night and a good morning , I would hope both the good night and good morning , but maybe I am wishing too much . She began wandering around the upstairs at 7 : 30 am . Yeah , not happy about that , I am not a morning person . I hope she doesn 't do this every morning or I will never have a good sleep again for a long time . She did stay in my room for about 1 / 2 hour around 9 ish , so I slept for a 1 / 2 hour before she started calling my name again . This is the first time she has done it , so maybe it was a fluke . i am hoping so . She is fine now , sitting in her chair . Debbie will be here for a lesson soon so Mom is a happy camper now , she just wasn 't this morning . Andrew called , I was surprised , pleasantly surprised . He wanted to know when I was going to go and get Mom 's OHIP number ( Ontario health insurance ) , we will probably go this week Weds or Thurs depending on what my schedule is like . Tillie 's package came in so we will take that to her too . Mom does pretty well on day trips and we don 't go to far so I am not in extra pain so good all around . I am getting ready for the benefit concert next month . I hope to have Katie , Katie , and Danielle over for a brief rehearsal before the concert . I haven 't heard them play in a while . Katie P and Danielle have been in college away from home so I am glad they are playing in the concert . I heard Katie K play a bit ago but I can always hear her play she is so good . I think she is playing the Phantom of the Opera music for the concert . Danielle is doing Beatles and I don 't know what Katie is planning yet . Debbie is going to be the MC and perform 4 songs . I am really excited about this concert . It is the week before competition so any of my students who are competing and in the concert will play their competition music . Pain is a little high after this mornings episode , I expected to be . I hope it goes back to normal by dinner time . I have to buy the new book for book club this week . My border 's coupon expires tomorrowPosted by After Lily 's lesson was book club . Aggie , Katie , and Katie couldn 't attend today . Maggie and I had a blast anyways ! I love the time period of the book I choose for this month . The Tudors . Henry VIII is a fascinating man , even though I would never want to be one of his queens . It an interesting time in history with how the women had no choice in anything they did . Men told them what to do . The book is called , " The Other Boleyn Girl " and written from Mary Boleyn 's point of view which I find so interesting because you can see Anne from her side of it . I have seen the movie too , it is pretty close to the book , I think because I can 't remember it exactly . I will have to watch it again , maybe tomorrow after dinner . Maggie and I have such fun times together . Her husband , Bob , is my student so that is how I met her . Lily is doing well with her lessons , she seems to really enjoy singing and even plays the vocal part on the piano while she is practicing . I am very pleased about that . Aggie missed her lesson too , she had a lot to do this afternoon since she goes back to Michigan State University tomorrow . I miss her when she is gone , she is a neat young woman . I will see her in two weeks for her next lesson though . I will have Debbie 's lesson tomorrow . I am almost done with her music for the benefit . I have to copy the music for Aggie still , I just don 't think about it when I have time and panic about it when I don 't , not a good idea ! Mom is alright today . She has a new thing now . She asks how much does it cost to stay the night . She forgets she owns the house and we pay a mortgage on it . She doesn 't like sleeping in her own room , but logistically , it wouldn 't never work to put our beds in the same room . Her room is too hot for me and my room is too cold for her , and she sleeps with her light on , so that wouldn 't work for me either . I like a cold and dark room . She is doing pretty well , I think , over all . Her cut on her lip is looking much better too . Tomorrow I am going to move some of the boxes in her room away from the bePosted by It was sewing day ! Finally ! ! ! ! I was sooooo excited this morning about it . So was Mom . The girls got new outfits to start on this afternoon . We couldn 't actually start anything because we have to wash the material first for shrinkage so next week will be the start of the outfits . I got Sarah her material for the skirt she is going to help me make . She is so excited about sewing , I am just in heaven over it all . I have new scissors to use too . I just have to buy another pair of pinking shears because we have lost them . Other than that , not much happening around the house . Mom is doing alright , I am doing alright , so it 's good . I hope you are doing alright too ! ! ! I just mailed all the competition stuff out and I emailed the forms the other day , so I am ahead of schedule there ! Go Me ! finally , a year where I am ahead of the game , not behind it . I hope you are having a wonderful day and see you tomorrow ! What a night ! Yup , it was a good one ! Mom stayed in bed after she went in the first time . It has been so long since she has done that I can 't remember . Then to top it off , she didn 't wake me up in the morning early ! I actually got a bit of sleep for a change . I am one happy camper about that . I had my blood test today . I will find out the results later in the afternoon for the pro - time , but next week on the cholesterol . The nurse was able to find my vein right away and it worked first time she poked me . It was wonderful . I have mean veins , they hide from nurses who have needles , that causes the nurses to have to poke a lot and that hurts . So all in all , it has been a good day so far . It is supposed to snow a lot today , ugh , but it will look awfully pretty out ! I can live without snow though as long as it doesn 't get too cold . I think it a bit , Mom and I are going to a movie or watching one here at home . It just sounds like that type of day , know what I mean ? I have to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life , career wise , I mean . Right now I teach a bit , and some actually pay , but most of them are on scholarship and the rest of my money comes from disability . I have to look ahead of when Mom won 't be here to help pay the bills and the house . I am starting to work on that now so that I am ready when she needs 24 hour care . I just don 't know what I want to really do , I want to open a new school of music , but I am not sure about that yet either . We shall see ! I hope you are having a good , snowy day ! Rather cold today , not as cold as yesterday , but rather cold nevertheless . It is freezing in here too , I went to get my fleece jacket so I won 't be cold . This is crazy weather . I know , you would think I would be used to it after my whole life in Michigan , but I just am not . We went to visit Pine Ridge today . What a disappointment that was . Yes , the apartment Mom could afford , that was the good part , the bad part , the care is on top of the apartment . Not in our budget . So I was rather disappointment . Tillie came with us , but she didn 't need to ask any questions because we just can 't afford that for Mom . It was an assisted living place not a nursing home . I thought this would be a good place for her , but I was wrong . So I guess when she needs more care we are going to have to look at home care unless she needs nursing home . I am not putting in her in one until she needs it . That is for sure . We are doing alright most of the time , the two of us together . She didn 't have a good morning though and I don 't like it when she has a bad day in front of people because they tend to think that is how she is most of the time . I had a make - up lesson this afternoon , Bob . He plays really well , he sight read his newest piece , Yesterday ( by the Beatles ) wonderfully . I think he is going to play in the benefit concert too . I hope so . I am pleased that I finished the newsletter for the month . yeah , me ! Pain isn 't really too bad for how bad the weather is . I hope your day is going well . Mom doesn 't want to go outside tonight . I told Jose that evening is bad for her , but it 's the time he wanted . I hope she changes her mind by the time he gets here . She is upset right now so I gave her her anxiety medicine . I hope it helps her feel better because right now she doesn 't want to go . Tomorrow we are going to visit a assisted living facility . I hope mom likes it because by end of summer I anticipate that she will need them . I hope not , but I will be ready for it . Tillie is coming with us . I invited her to come with us . She will be here about 11 ish am . I will be up by 10 : 30 am to make sure I hear her . I am glad she is coming because she may have questions I wouldn 't think about . Georgette said they looked at this place for her mother - in - law and it was expensive . I told the lady from A Place For Mom how much money we have to work with , so I hope it wasn 't a mistake by sending us there . We shall see ! She is calmer already about going out she has already forgotten that she didn 't want to go . It has been a good day , I had two students , Zach and Charlie . They both are doing quite well . Zach has solo and ensemble next Saturday , he was a bit late today so I asked him to come early next week to make up the time . With competition next week , it 's crucial that he has all the time with me he needs . He knows one piece real well , but the timing on the other is a bit shaky at times . He pretty much had it by the time he left , but I will feel better checking into it . I am going to see my friend , Heather , next week too ! Her kids are so amazing . I just love them both a lot , they are so talented with music . I hope it isn 't windy because last time we had to leave early because she was afraid of the wind . It was really windy that day though , I mean really windy . We had high wind warnings that day , so you can imagine . Mom keeps asking me when are we heading home , it is really sad that she forgets where we are . Jose should be here in a few minutes so I better end this soon . I hope your day is going well . I am still debating on whePosted by Mom 's friend , Jose , was over this afternoon . He needed some help putting his resume on line , so I took care of it for him . He brought some cream over to help Mom 's arthritis foot . Sometimes it really pains her . He left some cream for me to help with Mom 's little foot . He is taking her out to dinner tomorrow . I warned him about how she is after the sun goes down . I keep the drapes drawn so she can 't really tell what time of day it is . It helps a lot , but he is planning to take her out to dinner . She worked with him years ago before she retired . I have known him since I was 14 ish years old . You can do the math there , I won 't , too depressing about the age . My cousin , Hayley is going to do a valentine 's day craft swap . If you want more info , just email me and I will send you the link to her blog . She is very talented at crafts and stuff ! Not much really happen this evening . I don 't really want to play my DS anymore , it 's tiring today . Frank had his lesson this afternoon . He is doing so well . Bob had to reschedule to Wednesday since the window people were at his house putting in the new windows . Rescheduling is a piece of cake since I don 't have many students right now . I have mailed the letters to the school directors , hope to hear from them this week ! Fingers crossed ! ! ! ! Pain isn 't so bad right now . Everything seems to be at it 's normal annoying place , not to high , but not low enough for me . I hope your day is good and the week starting out nicely for you ! ! Alvin and the Chipmunks are sooooooo cute ! It was a really cute movie with cute music . The Chipettes were really cute too . I didn 't know there was a movie out in 2007 with the chipmunks , we will have to get it for mom . She loves these movies . Definitely a better day today than yesterday . No meltdown . I gated Mom in at the top of the up stairs and that seemed to work pretty well . She just wondered in and out of her room to my room , just like I had hoped . She didn 't try to move the gate at all so I am one happy camper today . Lily and Julie were dancing at the end of the movie , it was so cute to see Lily dancing in her seat . She is going to be 12 soon , and that blows my mind at times . She has grown up so fast . And her sister will be 17 ! That is even crazier ! Emily was so small when I first met her , now she is a junior and everything ! I have a pretty busy evening around here . Rachel and Rebecca can 't have a lesson on Tuesday as originally planned , so they are on their way for a lesson now . Debbie will have a lesson ( practice ) around 6 to 6 : 30 ish . I haven 't really heard her sing for almost 5 years ! I can 't believe she is in her 20 's now . She IS all grown up . Scary scary scary ! She lives in this beautiful , big house with her best friend , Justine . I am so happy things are going well for her . She has a new job , a new house , friends flying in to see her . I mean , things have really turned around for her since she came back from India . I am working with a lady named Marie , from a Place for Mom , to help place Mom in a home when she needs one . I know it will probably be before summer , but I am hoping it will be after summer . I was lucky I found this place because they do all the searching for you . They ask you questions and find places that fit in your budget that are good homes , not the bad ones . They also help you with the questions you need to ask homes about Mom . Mom is doing better today then she was yesterday . She fell out of bed a couple of days ago , but we have not had a repeat incident . She just didn 't realize she was Posted by Well , major melt down this morning . I mean over something ridicules . I have a difficult time dressing myself because of the pain . Mom was hallucinating about a little girl downstairs . I needed to get dressed so we could go and get breakfast , but I couldn 't get her to focus on staying upstairs . I had a melt down and that diverted her attention back to me . It worked , but not exactly how I wanted to behave . She has been more confused at night , I am wondering if it is her new medicine . I am not giving it to her tonight to see . Last night she kept asking me when we were going home , which is something she has done for the last few nights . She never did this before , so I don 't know if it is the disease or the medicine . We shall find out . Finished up the newsletter for my students about the upcoming events . We have competition and a benefit concert in February . The spring concert won 't be until Mayish . I will be signing up for that soon though . I sent 2 letters out to 2 high school band directors with my business cards letting them know about 2 scholarships I am giving 2 of their students . I hope to hear from them this week . Then I will have 4 new students , granted they won 't be paying for the lessons , but it will be 2 more hours I am busy and that is good . Pain is pretty high today , especially since the melt down . Hope it lessens soon . Hope your day is better than mine . So far , 2010 isn 't starting so good . I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
Last night 's dinner went well . Mom liked it although she did her usual " will I have a problem if I eat this ? " She is very worried about missing the bathroom . She NEVER has and I don 't understand , but I just reassure her she is fine . She is having a rough day although perhaps now she is out of it . She was crying while she helped me get dressed and while we were at Tim Horton 's . She won 't tell me why . So I just let her cry and hand her Kleenex . She let me sleep in today until 11 : 30 , in fact , she wasn 't even out of bed before me today and that has never happened . I don 't know if that is part of her bad start to the day . I am going to put some Walker Texas Ranger ( we are on season 6 ) in , she likes that . We have nothing to do today . Tillie was supposed to come over but yesterday her real estate agent called and wanted to meet her today after the showing of the house . We think there might be an offer . She certainly can 't missed that ! I hope it is what she wants for the house . Houses just aren 't selling so I don 't know if they will offer her what she wants . Over here , not much is selling at all except foreclosed houses because you can get them cheap . I have to come up with the tax money for 2008 or we will lose the house . I think we have enough to pay it . I hope so ! Well , it is still cold here but not as cold . I hope your day will be good . I plan to watch TV with Mom , read my book , and knit . Have a good one ! I am using my slow cooker ! ! ! ! Yup , I have potato soup , corn , and mushrooms in it . I make it kinda like a stew . I would add chicken , but the pieces of chicken I bought were breaded . didn 't mean to do that , it was $ 6 too , so a waste of money . I will have to find something else to use them with . I have the ham thawing for tomorrow 's dinner , rice , spinach and ham . Kinda scary that I am cooking a bit this weekend . Mom helped me open everything and put stuff in the crock pot so I wouldn 't have to stand super long . I think after about 2 minutes my left hip starts to protest a lot , so standing is not the best for me . Doing laundry with this problem is a nightmare . Mom helps though so that is good . It is getting harder for her to help me as her memory decreases , but she still can do some things . She , as usual , is sleeping in her chair . We spend a lot of time in the dining room because that is where the TV is . I know Katie said she would move it to the living room , but there is no room in there with the 2 pianos and the stereo . It is a very crowded room as it is , and the TV just wouldn 't fit . But I was thankful she asked . Not much to do right now . I loaded the dishwasher and cleaned off the counter . I will swiffer in a bit and do it in sections . I found my stylus pen for my DS last night . I was very excited about that . It has been missing for a month . It flung out of my DS holder one night and I couldn 't find it . I found it hiding under the table . I guess I didn 't swiffer very good the last few times I swiffered . It has warmed up a bit here , Mom is still freezing , but not as cold as last night . She has only one little hoodie on and a blanket around her . I have the little heater in the kitchen going to so that helps a lot . It is facing her and blowing directly in her direction . I get a little bit from it , but she gets the most . Works for me , I am not as cold as she is . I also didn 't have to turn the heat up yet . Probably will when the sun goes down . This week is supposed to be much warmer so yeah ! for that . Other than cleaningPosted by It feels like 50 below out today . Mom is still in her winter coat right now . I will get her out of it eventually and then put her in blankets . I did turn the heat up again today . It is just so cold in here . When it is around 30ish , it isn 't so cold in the house , but man , get below that and wham ! it 's cold in here . I turned the heat up a lot last night and I should have just turned it up a bit and put another blanket on mom , she complained it was too hot upstairs at bedtime . Can 't win with this weather can I ? It makes me frustrated but I try not to get to frustrated about it because she can 't help it . We had to go to Tim Horton 's today because we had no milk or bread , so we had nothing to eat for breakfast . She didn 't do too bad , it is just around the corner and it was quick in and out . Then back to the house . I am going to cook with the slow cooker tomorrow ! I am going to take potato soup , corn , chicken , and another veggie and put them all together ! I have made this before and mom seems to like it . It is really good potato soup , nice and thick the way I like it . It is almost like a stew , so that it is really yummy ! I am going to do some knitting today while we watch mindless TV , not much good on during the day until Oprah , and I will miss her today because Zach is having a make up lesson and Rachel and Rebecca are having their lessons too . I don 't really mind because if I had to chose between the two , you know I 'd pick lessons . Speaking of lessons ! I have a new student , Heather 's daughter , Calli . She is 9 and a doll . She is going to hopefully start next week . I sent Heather my schedule so she can work in what will work with her . I am excited about this . All my girls are just going to love her and her little brother . I just know it . Acer is still a little small for lessons , he is only 5 , but maybe when he gets older he will too . One never knows . I hope you are staying warm ! It is very cold here in Michigan . It is supposed to warm up on Monday , so let 's hope so . Time to get the blankets out ! We were at Heather Bowman Thomlinson 's house today . Mom did pretty well there , but not with the cold . We aren 't going out this weekend until it warms up a bit on Monday , she just can 't take it . She has major meltdowns over being cold . It makes me really mad , but there isn 't anything I can do about it except throw more blankets on her . I am not happy about this development at all . It means no sewing tomorrow , which I look forward to each week . I am trying not to be mad , but it is a losing battle . I hate the disease she has , I hate it more than the diseases I have . She , of course , is unaware of how upset this makes me , which is actually good because she would meltdown again over that . Anyways , after that , today has been fun . I relearned how to knit from Heather BT . I am going to practice more tonight . Silly me though , I bought the wrong type of needles and yarn . I should have called her but I didn 't . Sometimes my brainlessness is amazing . I will return all the yarn except one because I am going to make trivets for the table with them and one set of needles and get the right type . I knitted about 4 rows before her children came in . No use knitting when her children arrive . Mainly because they have all my attention and mom 's . I hope you are warm and sunny today ! Try to stay warm unless you live somewhere warm , if you do , yeah ! Wish I was there ! I GOT MY CROCK POT TODAY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Can you tell I am a bit excited about it ? Sunday dinner will be the first time I use the pot for company . Tillie is coming over for dinner . I went grocery shopping ( definitely not my favorite thing to do ! ) today for every thing we will need to cook in the pot . Mom , of course , went with me and helped me get them into the house . I also bought her a pair of slippers so her feet will stay warm and she won 't have to wear boots in the house , which I hate . Mainly I hate it because I have a hard time cleaning and wearing outside shoes in the house dirties the house faster . We will take sat afternoon to clean the kitchen / dining room floor and the stairs and the bathroom floor . I am trying to spread out the work during the week so we don 't have to take a full day to do them . I love my swiffer dry and swiffer wet jet . They work so well and don 't leave a film on the floor . I will also be cleaning up the kitchen on Friday night and Saturday afternoon so that it looks nice for company . I know Tillie doesn 't really care what it looks like , but I do and I am tired of a dirty kitchen / dining room and a non perfect bathroom . Mom and I went to see the movie " the Tooth fairy " this afternoon . It was cute . Julie Andrews was in it and she is great in everything she does . Mom liked what she saw of it , she did , as usual , fall asleep a brief time during the movie . We had a semi showing with only a few other people in the theatre and it was in the big one . After that , we went to Olive Garden for dinner . It was good , but the waitress was slightly dippy . I was unhappy with her so she didn 't get the great tip I usually leave . We were eating ( forks up and down eating not just sitting on the table ) and she asks me if we want boxes . Hmm , let 's think about this , we ARE EATING ! No we don 't want boxes yet . The she handed me the check without asking us if we wanted dessert . Well , what if we did ? I hate that . She rushed us through the meal . She won 't last too long there , she is not waitress material for that restauPosted by So , yeah , I know what time I am meeting Wendy , it 's 1 : 30 , she works until 1 : 00 pm . Guess when I remembered that , when we were waiting for her . She was right on time , we were early . Actually , it worked out pretty well because I was able to feed Mom some soup since she was cold and another donut before Wendy arrived , so that was good . Next time though , I will get the time right for me . Silly me ! We had a great time , at least I did , Mom did really well , she doesn 't say much , just quietly sits there and listens . She did have a hard time sitting at the end so it was good that Wendy had to go and pick up her son from school . Mom is doing fine now , back to her normal self . It was so fun talking with Wendy and realizing how much everyone has changed since high school . I am looking forward to the next reunion . I hope to meet with Wendy again soon . It was just so awesome . We didn 't really hang out in high school , we each had our own circle of friends , but it sure is nice to be friends with people I went to high school with now . On face book I am friends with several that I was mostly casual friends with , more like people I knew , but didn 't really know well . Kathy told me I would be happy about this , I should have listen to her years ago , but I was just too stubborn for my own good . I told Wendy about Kathy and her kids and how they are doing . I hope to take a day trip in March to see Kathy and the kids . February is just booked on the weekends , the 13th is the benefit concert and I will be broke after that , then the following weekend is competition , so next month weekends are busy . Maybe the last weekend in Feb , we shall see what her schedule is like . Mom really liked going to visit her when we did in December . Day trips are good for her right now , just the right size for her . She doesn 't get to confused because we are coming home for the evening . I still don 't have my back disability so I don 't know if we are staying over night at competition or not . I am sort of thinking we shouldn 't even if the money comes in because MomPosted by I am meeting Wendy today at 1 : 00 pm . I can 't wait . It shall be fun . I almost typed me fun . Silly me . Mom had a rough morning this morning , but I was up to the challenge . When I realized she was in a bad cycle , ( it only took 15 minutes this time instead of 3 hours ) I got up , she helped me get dressed and then we went to get breakfast . She got out of it by the time we were getting breakfast . She is sleeping in her chair right now . Nothing new there . I hope to take her to a movie tomorrow and I am going to see if Tillie wants to come with us . Anyways , not a long post today . See you later ! It 's been a day . I did enjoy the 3 lessons I had , but other than that it was just a day . Mom 's friend , Jose , can to look at her shower . She took the door off about 5 or more years ago because my brother kept flooding the furnace room when he took a shower . It was annoying , darn near ruined the floor and the ceiling . Then Mom took the door off and he had to take a shower in the tub bathroom . I don 't know why Jose wants the door on but I think he thinks it will help mom . It won 't , but some day it needs to go back on . I am getting tired of tripping over crap in the house but there isn 't much I can do about it right now . Any time I try to clean it up or reorganize , Mom flips out . She is afraid that I am going to throw her stuff out . I am not , but she doesn 't believe anyone . I will , however , throw away garbage like her stupid pieces of Kleenex or paper towel that she carries around every day and then takes them out of her jackets and puts fresh in the next day . I am meeting Wendy for tea tomorrow . I am very excited about that . I haven 't seen her in over 20 years , more like 23 years since high school . Who would have thought ? Not me . I was the one who never wanted to go to the reunions , now I will probably go to the next one , providing I find someone to watch mom for me . She isn 't coming with me to that . I put my foot down on that . I take her everywhere else . I am rather tired now . It is about 7 pm , not quite bed time . Mom is always ready for bed anytime after 5 pm . We will go up in about an hour . I wonder how Richard is doing . He should really come and visit Mom while she still knows who he is . She is slowly forgetting all of us , she even asks if I am Heather sometimes . Usually first thing in the morning or late at night . During the day she is fine . She doesn 't do this everyday , mind you , just once in a while about once every other week . I will be getting the new crock Wednesday ! I can 't wait . I am inviting Tillie over for Sunday dinner , I will be making what my friend 's children call green rice and ham . It is rice , spinPosted by It 's raining outside , but warmer than it was . We are supposed to get the super cold weather back later this week . Ugh . Not happy about that , not happy at all . I am really tired today , I tried to sleep in but with Mom , you know how hard that is . I think I will slip into the front room and try to sneak a nap in on the chair . She usually leaves me alone there for a while anyways . She is sleeping in her chair as usual . And I wonder why she doesn 't sleep much at night , right , I know why , she sleeps all day . Debbie will have her lesson later today . Wish it was more than just Debbie , but , nothing right now I can do about it . Mom is doing alright today except for the sleeping part . That is actually normal for her . Sleep during the day , up during the night . I have tried to fix it , but I am losing the battle . As long as she is blocked in upstairs , she is fine . She does get some sleep at night , just not as much as I would like her too . Pain is medium to high today in the head . My right side is going to fall off soon . I took an Advil even though I really am not supposed to , but the Tylenol is just not cutting it . Not much happening today , hopefully better this week . I will be seeing my friend , Wendy , on Tuesday and I will see Heather on Thursday so my week is looking good . The only day that will be boring is Wednesday as of right now I have no lessons scheduled for then , Rachel and Rebecca don 't have their lessons scheduled yet , so I hope to know when theirs are soon . I hope your day is sunny and nice out unlike the yucky rain we are getting . We went to Chili 's tonight , well , this afternoon for dinner . They were having a special two for $ 20 that included an appetizer , 2 entrees , and dessert ! We had a gift cert from Christmas from Richard , so I thought , why not ! ! ! Mom still does well going out to eat so off we went ! I had two lessons earlier , was supposed to be three , but turned out to be 2 . It was still a good day . Mom and I are now watching Walker , Texas Ranger , season 5 disc 4 episode 2 . We love this show . After this we are going to go to bed , it 's been a long day for her . I might read a bit in my room . I am reading a really good book right now . I have read it before , but it still good . Mom gave it to me for Christmas . About 2 days before Christmas she said she wanted to give me books for Christmas so we went to the used bookstore for them . I got 7 books for about $ 21 . Mom saw a Curious George Christmas book and I asked her if she would like it , she said yes , so I got it for her . It was expensive ! It cost about $ 14 but she likes those kind of books and doesn 't have much time left so I got it for her . A small thing to bring her much pleasure . I also got her a puzzle book , the type where every page is a puzzle . There are about 8 pages in it . It was Christmas theme . Next year , I don 't anticipate a very good Christmas for her , I don 't think she will remember much by then so I am trying to pack as much as I can into this year for us , despite the shortage of funds . She likes simple things that don 't cost a lot of money . We watch a lot of movies and TV together . She likes that a lot , even when she falls asleep during them briefly . She is wide awake tonight , I don 't know why , but hey , I am not questioning it . Pain is not so bad considering I am completely out of prescription pain pills . The refill will be ready Monday , but I don 't know if I will have the money , if Grace has a lesson , then I will otherwise I will need to wait until Wednesday . I have Tylenol so it isn 't like I have nothing for pain and if really necessary , Advil . I don 't take Advil because of Posted by Sewing day this afternoon . The girls are doing really well including the littlest one . She pined her first piece of material today . She pined really nicely , all straight and a little close together , but other than that , she did awesome . I get to learn how to knit next week . Can 't wait . My friend , Heather , is going to teach me . Mom is getting used to my friend who has the same name as me , it doesn 't confuse her as much as it used to . We to start this endeavor next week . I am very excited to learn this task again . I used to know when I was a kid , but that was a long time ago . Other than sewing , rather boring day after that excitement for the day . I have 3 students tomorrow and 1 on Sunday . So between the hours of 1 pm to 2 : 30 pm , I will be busy , and then , not so much , another boring day . Outside of the 5 : 30 to 6 : 00 pm tomorrow , Sunday is looking rather dull too . It is the week before Mom 's money comes in so we are slightly broke , so no movie , not that I think anything good is playing . We saw a lot this summer , that was fun . I have a couple more letters to write about lessons . I hope to hear something from someone , I can 't believe that neither teacher has taken me up on this plan . I mean , free lessons for 2 of their students , really . I just don 't understand it . Pain is high right now , don 't really know why since it is warmer than it was yesterday . We shall see how tomorrow goes . I hope your day is good . Kinda of a grumpy day for me . Mom keeps asking me if I am tired yet . That would be because she is up during the night and not sleeping so she is tired during the day . She was up at 1 pm moving crap in her room around and , well , she fell on her cross stitch bag that should never have been on the floor . I don 't know where she got that from because it wasn 't there when I put her to bed . Fortunately , she didn 't hit her head so we didn 't have to go to the ER . We were lucky there . She doesn 't remember falling , but I sure do . I had to move two other bags that she moved into her room , I don 't know where these bags came from , but they were tossed way into the back of the spare room so she can 't get them again . I am not dealing well with her today , she isn 't doing anything different or worse than any other day , I just am grumpy , very grumpy . I had my blood test and the nurse got in one shot , so yeah , on that . I went to the tummy doctor for the 3 month check and the physician assistant asked how mom was doing and I told her she lost 7 more pounds . Now she is going to get a CT scan and a blood test , so that is good . She is trying to get to the bottom of this weight loss . It just falls off her . I need to lose the weight , not her . I , of course , managed to gain another 3 pounds . At this rate , goodness knows how much I will weigh soon . I have got to do something , I am watching my food and I don 't eat the junk food . I give that stuff to mom . At least my cholesterol went down both the bad one and the triglycerides or however you spell it . We have the sub meeting tonight so I am very glad about that . I may not be so grumpy but I can 't just stay at home tonight and do nothing , it is driving me crazy . Maybe we will go to Starbucks in a few minutes to get out of the house again . I just can 't stay here right now . I need to do something with Mom 's room , it is a death trap , literally . If she needs an ambulance , they would NOT be able to get the stretcher in her room , that is how bad it is . Throwing out her stuff or even reorganizing it upsePosted by Mom is all set . She has her card she needs to be put on the list in Windsor . When the card comes in we will go and take care of it . We were at Tillie 's this afternoon . She even made us dinner ! It was good , she made pork , veggies , and fries . Mom ate the fries which shocked me because they were seasoned and she doesn 't do well with seasonings . She did get a bit of a tummy ache afterward , but she is fine now . She is actually sleeping in the chair at the dining room table while I am watching Law and Order SVU . Now she awake again . I tried to go on the website for Canada pension because Mom paid into it when she was in the service , but for some reason it wouldn 't accept her number . I will double check that I have her proper number and try it again tomorrow . I have a blood test and a doctor appointment all in the same day tomorrow . Lucky me . Yeah . I am so happy about that . NOT ! ! ! It is an appointment with the tummy doctor to check for side effects on the medicine I am on . I don 't have any so I am happy about that . Apparently it can cause some serious side effects and there is a group trying to get it pulled off the market . I am rather screwed should they do that as nothing has worked like this . Hopefully they won 't . Then in the evening , we are going to the subdivision 's board meeting , always an interesting time . Mom goes with me . I think she enjoys the meetings too , she is just quiet during them . Pain is normal today . No big deal , nothing unusual . I hope your day is going well like mine did . Oh , and tomorrow , I will work some more on the Christmas ornaments . It 's Tuesday and 3 lessons again today . Katie just had her lesson . She is really improving a whole lot . It is awesome . She is working hard on her competition songs . She is planning to sing them for the benefit too . Might as well , get as much out of those songs as possible , plus , competition is a week after the benefit so she will be more than ready with those . Frank is not as ready as I would like . Rachel , not sure of , haven 't seen her in a couple of weeks . Zach and Charlie have their lessons tonight too then we are going to the little cafe for dinner . I don 't feel like cooking or heating up anything . I have to empty the fridge though , I just remembered that . We have old food that needs to be removed . Mom is having an okay day - not great or good , but not too bad . She got upset when I went upstairs and she forgot where I was . She needs to be with me everywhere so she feels safe . This morning was her usual coming in and out . Gating her upstairs definitely keeps her up there . She doesn 't even think about going near it any more , so I am very happy about that . I finished Rachel 's music today . Ugh , it was a hard one . Mostly because I know I have a good tape accompaniment of it , but I can 't find it so I had to put it in finale . But it is finally done ! Both of her songs are done . The prayer was easy , but not upon this rock . Frank and I worked on Alleluia yesterday . He is accompanying her at competition , they will get together next week . He almost has the song memorized which is good . He just needs to memorize all his stuff ! I get nervous around this time every year for competition . It just gets nerve wracking ! I am not in charge of how much that the kids practice and stuff so that is what gets to me . My side is sore today - not sure why . Other than that , not too bad in the pain level . We are heading for Windsor tomorrow . I have to bring Tillie her mail when we go . We are having dinner around 4 : 30 ish . At least I don 't have to cook tomorrow ! ! ! Have a great night ! I had my usual 3 lessons for the day . After a really boring day yesterday , today was a sigh of relief . I have 3 lessons spread out tomorrow so I am very happy about that ! ! ! The news was on and Mom started crying , so I changed to Golden Girls . She loves the show a lot even though I think we have seen every episode at least once if not twice . It is an interesting show this one . We will probably watch the next couple episodes because Mom can 't handle the news about Haiti today . I mean , it is so awful what happened , and I am glad there are a lot of people over there helping them . Other than the lessons , not much going on . It is just boring days around here . I would prefer more excitement , but good excitement , not the bad type . Pain is normal today . Mom is doing alright outside of the crying from the news . We don 't watch the news a lot because she is very emotional these days . She did wake up at 1 am and was ready to go for the day until I told her what time it was , she went back to bed after that . I hope she sleeps through the night tonight ! I hope your day is good . I am watching the movie Fame . It is the remake , the 2009 version and so far it is really dumb . We just watched Night of the Museum , the first one . it was good . I loved the TV series Fame , but this movie is just not good . I don 't remember the original movie except I didn 't like it either . I thought this would be better . If it doesn 't improve in the next few minutes , it 's going off . finally , a song I actually know , Out Here On My Own . I love this song , I sung it for competition when I was about 19 and won . It was the first time I got first place . Mom is alright today , she woke up early as usual but she wasn 't confused , so that was good . She did her usual coming in and out of my room a lot . It gets annoying but I can 't do anything about that , she doesn 't realize I am trying to sleep ! I don 't understand how she misses the point as my eyes are closed ! But she does miss the point every day . No point in trying to get her to realize I am trying to sleep , she will just get upset and then that would be the end of it . She woke up at 3 am and didn 't want to go back to sleep . She did once I told her what time it was . Then she woke up again at about 7 and I don 't think she went back to bed . She is tired now and was sleeping on the chair . i thought she was going to sleep during breakfast . I really did , her eyes were closing and everything . Okay - just took the movie Fame out and put in Walker , Texas Ranger season 5 disc 3 . Definitely , a better choice . Pain is a bit high , I don 't really know why today , I didn 't do anything to increase it , but it is high , especially in the left shoulder , the annoying one . I don 't know what I did to it in the first place . It started in June and hasn 't really let up since . I can 't move it completely upright yet . I should be getting a cortisone shot soon after I get my next blood test . I have to do the blood test on a Tuesday so that the shot can be done on a Friday . We shall see . Ross says they do help , I was sceptical about the whole idea . I mean , I have tried so much that hasn 't worked yet . It has bPosted by The last two days have been fun filled until right about now . Mom is having a rough evening . I gave her medicine so I hope it kicks in soon . She was great yesterday at my friend , heather 's house . She does really well there now , so I am happy about that . It wasn 't too windy so she wasn 't freaked out about the wind . We were at sewing earlier this afternoon . She was falling asleep there a lot . I picked up our dinner on the way home . I just gave her an ensure , she needs to gain about 23 pounds to get to 120lbs . I just don 't want her to lose any more weight so I just keep feeding her . It doesn 't do a whole lot of good since she is still super tiny , but I try . I would gladly give her what I don 't want , but it just doesn 't work that way . We are watching the news about the earthquake in Haiti , how awful . About 140 , 000 people killed , that is the new estimate . The looting has started there too . That is awful , it just shows how desperate the situation is . I feel for the people there , I can 't imagine such a situation as theirs . Mom is calming down now , the medicine is kicking in . She has stopped crying now and is not asking so much where are we and when will we go home . We are already home . She isn 't normally like this . This is an unusual night . I don 't know why this happens every few weeks . It isn 't her normal nightly behavior . She is hard to pin down . She has done a bit of hallucinating about me as a little girl but that only has happened 2 times both in the morning . Once I break whatever cycle she is in ( usually leaving the house ) she forgets all about the little girl and she is fine . She does get upset over the news at times so I change the channel when that happens , we have many choices and if there isn 't anything good on TV , I put it a disc that she likes . We don 't have to do this too often , but when it becomes necessary , I take care of it . She isn 't ready for a nursing home yet , I do know that will happen in the future , but she won 't do well if we place her now . She would probably stop eating ( that 's what she does whenPosted by I am going to my friend Heather 's today ! I will see her adorable 2 kids and her ! I am very excited about this ! Can you tell ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Not too much going on today . I have to print the coupon for border 's books so I can get this month 's book club book . Aggie chose it . It 's one of her favorite books so I think I will probably like it . I like reading different books than I normally would have , it makes life interesting , and I need an interesting life . Usually , it is kinda dull nowadays . It was interesting when we had the store , but now , not so much unless I am teaching , then it is fun . We ran into Irv and Rosemary at Tim Horton 's this afternoon , what a fun time ! They are our neighbors who live down the road from us . He is president of the subdivision board of directors . I am a board member so I see him once a month at the meetings and I run into Rosemary a lot at Tim Horton 's . It is always fun chatting with her . Mom 's tummy is back to normal today . Thank goodness ! She didn 't feel so hot last night with a sore tummy but now she is fine . She is sleeping in the chair again . We didn 't go to Windsor today after all , I just didn 't have the time this morning as I wasn 't feeling so hot myself . I feel better now , but my head is not too happy with me . It is better , but not enough to have to actually think on filling out papers . I will go next week . Thursday this week and next week are doctor appointments so that only leaves Wednesday for going to Windsor , unless I have a make up lesson , which I won 't know until next week . I have to finish Rachel 's song in finale for competition . It is a rather difficult song and I have a tape of the accompaniment somewhere , I just don 't know where . I wish I could find it , but I have looked and I don 't see it anywhere . I am going to look in the office again in case it is hiding in there . I hope so , it would be better than what I am trying to do . I hope you are having a good day and doing well ! I am rather tired now . It is about 8 : 30 pm . I am watching NCIS . I love this show . Mom has a tummy ache tonight . I gave her some medicine so I hope it is working . I don 't think either one of us are up for something lasting long tonight . Poor thing , she is sleeping in her chair . She has had a couple of decent nights and days the last couple of days . I am very thankful for that . We were planning to go to Windsor tomorrow but with Mom 's tummy , we shall see . It has been hurting her on and off all day so we may just stay home and go next week , all depends on her . I am seeing my friend , Heather , on Thursday . I am so excited about that . Mom loves her kids , they are awesome . I have some piano CDs for the little guy , Acer , to figure out on the piano . I hope he likes them . Calli plays too and she is doing really well . I hope to find some information about teaching children with vision impairments how to play the piano . It sounds very fun to me to learn how to do this . I am hoping it helps Calli and Acer who love music . Mom has done really well the last few nights . I am happy about that . Her tummy isn 't doing so good right now or all day . She gets tummy aches every so often but I did take her to the specialist and they did a lot of tests and she doesn 't really have anything wrong . So I am glad of that . Pain level is medium and I am a bit cold . I have the little heater on the table but it is facing Mom right now because she is even colder than I am . It is supposed to warm up in the next few days , man I hope so because it is really cold tonight . I have another blanket for Mom 's bed and two more for mine . I know will have 6 blankets on my bed . My room is the cold room in the upstairs . Mom 's is the medium room , my old room is the hot room of the upstairs . I hope you are warm wherever you are ! or at least trying to stay warm ! Well , I was WRONG ! We can have a great night and a good morning all in the same cycle ! Mom did great last night , she went into bed and didn 't get up until she needed to go to the bathroom and this morning did well too ! I am soooooo happy about that . She let me sleep until the alarm clock went off ( too early if you ask me , I reset it for 25 minutes later ! ) and then let me sleep again until it went off again . Then she helped me get dressed and we brushed the teeth and were ready to go . All in all , a great day so far . Bob had his lesson , the girls had theirs , Grace will have hers later in the week , and Frank will be here tonight . I love the Mondays of the month . Tuesdays are a close second . Wednesdays and Thursdays are not so fun because there are no lessons , but hey , can 't have everything can you ? ? ? I actually spoke to both of my brothers yesterday . Shocking I know . Andrew called to see how Mom is doing and I called Richard last night . Both are doing alright , Richard is still working so that is awesome . His job is a temp one and the contract was supposed to be up in August / September , but he is still there . I hope he finds another one quickly after this one is over . I think my brothers are missing out on Mom too much . At least Richard is , Andrew was , but he saw Mom at Christmas and I think he realized that if he doesn 't stay in touch with Mom , eventually she won 't remember him . Richard lives so far away from us but he works about 4 hours away . I don 't know if he will come and visit or not or just let his memory fade away from her . I , on the other hand , even with the rough spots , love being with mom all the time . I get her and they miss out . I hope we will visit Andrew a bit more now because Mom really enjoyed spending the time with him over the holidays . I got in touch with the alumni chapter of Mu Phi Epsilon . They are a music fraternity that I was a member of in college . Was supposed to have a meeting tonight , but they are canceling it because of the white stuff coming down ! ! ! ! ! ! I will have to wait until next month Posted by So I guess either I have Mom have a good night and a bad morning , or a bad night and a good morning , I would hope both the good night and good morning , but maybe I am wishing too much . She began wandering around the upstairs at 7 : 30 am . Yeah , not happy about that , I am not a morning person . I hope she doesn 't do this every morning or I will never have a good sleep again for a long time . She did stay in my room for about 1 / 2 hour around 9 ish , so I slept for a 1 / 2 hour before she started calling my name again . This is the first time she has done it , so maybe it was a fluke . i am hoping so . She is fine now , sitting in her chair . Debbie will be here for a lesson soon so Mom is a happy camper now , she just wasn 't this morning . Andrew called , I was surprised , pleasantly surprised . He wanted to know when I was going to go and get Mom 's OHIP number ( Ontario health insurance ) , we will probably go this week Weds or Thurs depending on what my schedule is like . Tillie 's package came in so we will take that to her too . Mom does pretty well on day trips and we don 't go to far so I am not in extra pain so good all around . I am getting ready for the benefit concert next month . I hope to have Katie , Katie , and Danielle over for a brief rehearsal before the concert . I haven 't heard them play in a while . Katie P and Danielle have been in college away from home so I am glad they are playing in the concert . I heard Katie K play a bit ago but I can always hear her play she is so good . I think she is playing the Phantom of the Opera music for the concert . Danielle is doing Beatles and I don 't know what Katie is planning yet . Debbie is going to be the MC and perform 4 songs . I am really excited about this concert . It is the week before competition so any of my students who are competing and in the concert will play their competition music . Pain is a little high after this mornings episode , I expected to be . I hope it goes back to normal by dinner time . I have to buy the new book for book club this week . My border 's coupon expires tomorrowPosted by After Lily 's lesson was book club . Aggie , Katie , and Katie couldn 't attend today . Maggie and I had a blast anyways ! I love the time period of the book I choose for this month . The Tudors . Henry VIII is a fascinating man , even though I would never want to be one of his queens . It an interesting time in history with how the women had no choice in anything they did . Men told them what to do . The book is called , " The Other Boleyn Girl " and written from Mary Boleyn 's point of view which I find so interesting because you can see Anne from her side of it . I have seen the movie too , it is pretty close to the book , I think because I can 't remember it exactly . I will have to watch it again , maybe tomorrow after dinner . Maggie and I have such fun times together . Her husband , Bob , is my student so that is how I met her . Lily is doing well with her lessons , she seems to really enjoy singing and even plays the vocal part on the piano while she is practicing . I am very pleased about that . Aggie missed her lesson too , she had a lot to do this afternoon since she goes back to Michigan State University tomorrow . I miss her when she is gone , she is a neat young woman . I will see her in two weeks for her next lesson though . I will have Debbie 's lesson tomorrow . I am almost done with her music for the benefit . I have to copy the music for Aggie still , I just don 't think about it when I have time and panic about it when I don 't , not a good idea ! Mom is alright today . She has a new thing now . She asks how much does it cost to stay the night . She forgets she owns the house and we pay a mortgage on it . She doesn 't like sleeping in her own room , but logistically , it wouldn 't never work to put our beds in the same room . Her room is too hot for me and my room is too cold for her , and she sleeps with her light on , so that wouldn 't work for me either . I like a cold and dark room . She is doing pretty well , I think , over all . Her cut on her lip is looking much better too . Tomorrow I am going to move some of the boxes in her room away from the bePosted by It was sewing day ! Finally ! ! ! ! I was sooooo excited this morning about it . So was Mom . The girls got new outfits to start on this afternoon . We couldn 't actually start anything because we have to wash the material first for shrinkage so next week will be the start of the outfits . I got Sarah her material for the skirt she is going to help me make . She is so excited about sewing , I am just in heaven over it all . I have new scissors to use too . I just have to buy another pair of pinking shears because we have lost them . Other than that , not much happening around the house . Mom is doing alright , I am doing alright , so it 's good . I hope you are doing alright too ! ! ! I just mailed all the competition stuff out and I emailed the forms the other day , so I am ahead of schedule there ! Go Me ! finally , a year where I am ahead of the game , not behind it . I hope you are having a wonderful day and see you tomorrow ! What a night ! Yup , it was a good one ! Mom stayed in bed after she went in the first time . It has been so long since she has done that I can 't remember . Then to top it off , she didn 't wake me up in the morning early ! I actually got a bit of sleep for a change . I am one happy camper about that . I had my blood test today . I will find out the results later in the afternoon for the pro - time , but next week on the cholesterol . The nurse was able to find my vein right away and it worked first time she poked me . It was wonderful . I have mean veins , they hide from nurses who have needles , that causes the nurses to have to poke a lot and that hurts . So all in all , it has been a good day so far . It is supposed to snow a lot today , ugh , but it will look awfully pretty out ! I can live without snow though as long as it doesn 't get too cold . I think it a bit , Mom and I are going to a movie or watching one here at home . It just sounds like that type of day , know what I mean ? I have to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life , career wise , I mean . Right now I teach a bit , and some actually pay , but most of them are on scholarship and the rest of my money comes from disability . I have to look ahead of when Mom won 't be here to help pay the bills and the house . I am starting to work on that now so that I am ready when she needs 24 hour care . I just don 't know what I want to really do , I want to open a new school of music , but I am not sure about that yet either . We shall see ! I hope you are having a good , snowy day ! Rather cold today , not as cold as yesterday , but rather cold nevertheless . It is freezing in here too , I went to get my fleece jacket so I won 't be cold . This is crazy weather . I know , you would think I would be used to it after my whole life in Michigan , but I just am not . We went to visit Pine Ridge today . What a disappointment that was . Yes , the apartment Mom could afford , that was the good part , the bad part , the care is on top of the apartment . Not in our budget . So I was rather disappointment . Tillie came with us , but she didn 't need to ask any questions because we just can 't afford that for Mom . It was an assisted living place not a nursing home . I thought this would be a good place for her , but I was wrong . So I guess when she needs more care we are going to have to look at home care unless she needs nursing home . I am not putting in her in one until she needs it . That is for sure . We are doing alright most of the time , the two of us together . She didn 't have a good morning though and I don 't like it when she has a bad day in front of people because they tend to think that is how she is most of the time . I had a make - up lesson this afternoon , Bob . He plays really well , he sight read his newest piece , Yesterday ( by the Beatles ) wonderfully . I think he is going to play in the benefit concert too . I hope so . I am pleased that I finished the newsletter for the month . yeah , me ! Pain isn 't really too bad for how bad the weather is . I hope your day is going well . Mom doesn 't want to go outside tonight . I told Jose that evening is bad for her , but it 's the time he wanted . I hope she changes her mind by the time he gets here . She is upset right now so I gave her her anxiety medicine . I hope it helps her feel better because right now she doesn 't want to go . Tomorrow we are going to visit a assisted living facility . I hope mom likes it because by end of summer I anticipate that she will need them . I hope not , but I will be ready for it . Tillie is coming with us . I invited her to come with us . She will be here about 11 ish am . I will be up by 10 : 30 am to make sure I hear her . I am glad she is coming because she may have questions I wouldn 't think about . Georgette said they looked at this place for her mother - in - law and it was expensive . I told the lady from A Place For Mom how much money we have to work with , so I hope it wasn 't a mistake by sending us there . We shall see ! She is calmer already about going out she has already forgotten that she didn 't want to go . It has been a good day , I had two students , Zach and Charlie . They both are doing quite well . Zach has solo and ensemble next Saturday , he was a bit late today so I asked him to come early next week to make up the time . With competition next week , it 's crucial that he has all the time with me he needs . He knows one piece real well , but the timing on the other is a bit shaky at times . He pretty much had it by the time he left , but I will feel better checking into it . I am going to see my friend , Heather , next week too ! Her kids are so amazing . I just love them both a lot , they are so talented with music . I hope it isn 't windy because last time we had to leave early because she was afraid of the wind . It was really windy that day though , I mean really windy . We had high wind warnings that day , so you can imagine . Mom keeps asking me when are we heading home , it is really sad that she forgets where we are . Jose should be here in a few minutes so I better end this soon . I hope your day is going well . I am still debating on whePosted by Mom 's friend , Jose , was over this afternoon . He needed some help putting his resume on line , so I took care of it for him . He brought some cream over to help Mom 's arthritis foot . Sometimes it really pains her . He left some cream for me to help with Mom 's little foot . He is taking her out to dinner tomorrow . I warned him about how she is after the sun goes down . I keep the drapes drawn so she can 't really tell what time of day it is . It helps a lot , but he is planning to take her out to dinner . She worked with him years ago before she retired . I have known him since I was 14 ish years old . You can do the math there , I won 't , too depressing about the age . My cousin , Hayley is going to do a valentine 's day craft swap . If you want more info , just email me and I will send you the link to her blog . She is very talented at crafts and stuff ! Not much really happen this evening . I don 't really want to play my DS anymore , it 's tiring today . Frank had his lesson this afternoon . He is doing so well . Bob had to reschedule to Wednesday since the window people were at his house putting in the new windows . Rescheduling is a piece of cake since I don 't have many students right now . I have mailed the letters to the school directors , hope to hear from them this week ! Fingers crossed ! ! ! ! Pain isn 't so bad right now . Everything seems to be at it 's normal annoying place , not to high , but not low enough for me . I hope your day is good and the week starting out nicely for you ! ! Alvin and the Chipmunks are sooooooo cute ! It was a really cute movie with cute music . The Chipettes were really cute too . I didn 't know there was a movie out in 2007 with the chipmunks , we will have to get it for mom . She loves these movies . Definitely a better day today than yesterday . No meltdown . I gated Mom in at the top of the up stairs and that seemed to work pretty well . She just wondered in and out of her room to my room , just like I had hoped . She didn 't try to move the gate at all so I am one happy camper today . Lily and Julie were dancing at the end of the movie , it was so cute to see Lily dancing in her seat . She is going to be 12 soon , and that blows my mind at times . She has grown up so fast . And her sister will be 17 ! That is even crazier ! Emily was so small when I first met her , now she is a junior and everything ! I have a pretty busy evening around here . Rachel and Rebecca can 't have a lesson on Tuesday as originally planned , so they are on their way for a lesson now . Debbie will have a lesson ( practice ) around 6 to 6 : 30 ish . I haven 't really heard her sing for almost 5 years ! I can 't believe she is in her 20 's now . She IS all grown up . Scary scary scary ! She lives in this beautiful , big house with her best friend , Justine . I am so happy things are going well for her . She has a new job , a new house , friends flying in to see her . I mean , things have really turned around for her since she came back from India . I am working with a lady named Marie , from a Place for Mom , to help place Mom in a home when she needs one . I know it will probably be before summer , but I am hoping it will be after summer . I was lucky I found this place because they do all the searching for you . They ask you questions and find places that fit in your budget that are good homes , not the bad ones . They also help you with the questions you need to ask homes about Mom . Mom is doing better today then she was yesterday . She fell out of bed a couple of days ago , but we have not had a repeat incident . She just didn 't realize she was Posted by Well , major melt down this morning . I mean over something ridicules . I have a difficult time dressing myself because of the pain . Mom was hallucinating about a little girl downstairs . I needed to get dressed so we could go and get breakfast , but I couldn 't get her to focus on staying upstairs . I had a melt down and that diverted her attention back to me . It worked , but not exactly how I wanted to behave . She has been more confused at night , I am wondering if it is her new medicine . I am not giving it to her tonight to see . Last night she kept asking me when we were going home , which is something she has done for the last few nights . She never did this before , so I don 't know if it is the disease or the medicine . We shall find out . Finished up the newsletter for my students about the upcoming events . We have competition and a benefit concert in February . The spring concert won 't be until Mayish . I will be signing up for that soon though . I sent 2 letters out to 2 high school band directors with my business cards letting them know about 2 scholarships I am giving 2 of their students . I hope to hear from them this week . Then I will have 4 new students , granted they won 't be paying for the lessons , but it will be 2 more hours I am busy and that is good . Pain is pretty high today , especially since the melt down . Hope it lessens soon . Hope your day is better than mine . So far , 2010 isn 't starting so good . I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
Last night 's dinner went well . Mom liked it although she did her usual " will I have a problem if I eat this ? " She is very worried about missing the bathroom . She NEVER has and I don 't understand , but I just reassure her she is fine . She is having a rough day although perhaps now she is out of it . She was crying while she helped me get dressed and while we were at Tim Horton 's . She won 't tell me why . So I just let her cry and hand her Kleenex . She let me sleep in today until 11 : 30 , in fact , she wasn 't even out of bed before me today and that has never happened . I don 't know if that is part of her bad start to the day . I am going to put some Walker Texas Ranger ( we are on season 6 ) in , she likes that . We have nothing to do today . Tillie was supposed to come over but yesterday her real estate agent called and wanted to meet her today after the showing of the house . We think there might be an offer . She certainly can 't missed that ! I hope it is what she wants for the house . Houses just aren 't selling so I don 't know if they will offer her what she wants . Over here , not much is selling at all except foreclosed houses because you can get them cheap . I have to come up with the tax money for 2008 or we will lose the house . I think we have enough to pay it . I hope so ! Well , it is still cold here but not as cold . I hope your day will be good . I plan to watch TV with Mom , read my book , and knit . Have a good one ! I am using my slow cooker ! ! ! ! Yup , I have potato soup , corn , and mushrooms in it . I make it kinda like a stew . I would add chicken , but the pieces of chicken I bought were breaded . didn 't mean to do that , it was $ 6 too , so a waste of money . I will have to find something else to use them with . I have the ham thawing for tomorrow 's dinner , rice , spinach and ham . Kinda scary that I am cooking a bit this weekend . Mom helped me open everything and put stuff in the crock pot so I wouldn 't have to stand super long . I think after about 2 minutes my left hip starts to protest a lot , so standing is not the best for me . Doing laundry with this problem is a nightmare . Mom helps though so that is good . It is getting harder for her to help me as her memory decreases , but she still can do some things . She , as usual , is sleeping in her chair . We spend a lot of time in the dining room because that is where the TV is . I know Katie said she would move it to the living room , but there is no room in there with the 2 pianos and the stereo . It is a very crowded room as it is , and the TV just wouldn 't fit . But I was thankful she asked . Not much to do right now . I loaded the dishwasher and cleaned off the counter . I will swiffer in a bit and do it in sections . I found my stylus pen for my DS last night . I was very excited about that . It has been missing for a month . It flung out of my DS holder one night and I couldn 't find it . I found it hiding under the table . I guess I didn 't swiffer very good the last few times I swiffered . It has warmed up a bit here , Mom is still freezing , but not as cold as last night . She has only one little hoodie on and a blanket around her . I have the little heater in the kitchen going to so that helps a lot . It is facing her and blowing directly in her direction . I get a little bit from it , but she gets the most . Works for me , I am not as cold as she is . I also didn 't have to turn the heat up yet . Probably will when the sun goes down . This week is supposed to be much warmer so yeah ! for that . Other than cleaningPosted by It feels like 50 below out today . Mom is still in her winter coat right now . I will get her out of it eventually and then put her in blankets . I did turn the heat up again today . It is just so cold in here . When it is around 30ish , it isn 't so cold in the house , but man , get below that and wham ! it 's cold in here . I turned the heat up a lot last night and I should have just turned it up a bit and put another blanket on mom , she complained it was too hot upstairs at bedtime . Can 't win with this weather can I ? It makes me frustrated but I try not to get to frustrated about it because she can 't help it . We had to go to Tim Horton 's today because we had no milk or bread , so we had nothing to eat for breakfast . She didn 't do too bad , it is just around the corner and it was quick in and out . Then back to the house . I am going to cook with the slow cooker tomorrow ! I am going to take potato soup , corn , chicken , and another veggie and put them all together ! I have made this before and mom seems to like it . It is really good potato soup , nice and thick the way I like it . It is almost like a stew , so that it is really yummy ! I am going to do some knitting today while we watch mindless TV , not much good on during the day until Oprah , and I will miss her today because Zach is having a make up lesson and Rachel and Rebecca are having their lessons too . I don 't really mind because if I had to chose between the two , you know I 'd pick lessons . Speaking of lessons ! I have a new student , Heather 's daughter , Calli . She is 9 and a doll . She is going to hopefully start next week . I sent Heather my schedule so she can work in what will work with her . I am excited about this . All my girls are just going to love her and her little brother . I just know it . Acer is still a little small for lessons , he is only 5 , but maybe when he gets older he will too . One never knows . I hope you are staying warm ! It is very cold here in Michigan . It is supposed to warm up on Monday , so let 's hope so . Time to get the blankets out ! We were at Heather Bowman Thomlinson 's house today . Mom did pretty well there , but not with the cold . We aren 't going out this weekend until it warms up a bit on Monday , she just can 't take it . She has major meltdowns over being cold . It makes me really mad , but there isn 't anything I can do about it except throw more blankets on her . I am not happy about this development at all . It means no sewing tomorrow , which I look forward to each week . I am trying not to be mad , but it is a losing battle . I hate the disease she has , I hate it more than the diseases I have . She , of course , is unaware of how upset this makes me , which is actually good because she would meltdown again over that . Anyways , after that , today has been fun . I relearned how to knit from Heather BT . I am going to practice more tonight . Silly me though , I bought the wrong type of needles and yarn . I should have called her but I didn 't . Sometimes my brainlessness is amazing . I will return all the yarn except one because I am going to make trivets for the table with them and one set of needles and get the right type . I knitted about 4 rows before her children came in . No use knitting when her children arrive . Mainly because they have all my attention and mom 's . I hope you are warm and sunny today ! Try to stay warm unless you live somewhere warm , if you do , yeah ! Wish I was there ! I GOT MY CROCK POT TODAY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Can you tell I am a bit excited about it ? Sunday dinner will be the first time I use the pot for company . Tillie is coming over for dinner . I went grocery shopping ( definitely not my favorite thing to do ! ) today for every thing we will need to cook in the pot . Mom , of course , went with me and helped me get them into the house . I also bought her a pair of slippers so her feet will stay warm and she won 't have to wear boots in the house , which I hate . Mainly I hate it because I have a hard time cleaning and wearing outside shoes in the house dirties the house faster . We will take sat afternoon to clean the kitchen / dining room floor and the stairs and the bathroom floor . I am trying to spread out the work during the week so we don 't have to take a full day to do them . I love my swiffer dry and swiffer wet jet . They work so well and don 't leave a film on the floor . I will also be cleaning up the kitchen on Friday night and Saturday afternoon so that it looks nice for company . I know Tillie doesn 't really care what it looks like , but I do and I am tired of a dirty kitchen / dining room and a non perfect bathroom . Mom and I went to see the movie " the Tooth fairy " this afternoon . It was cute . Julie Andrews was in it and she is great in everything she does . Mom liked what she saw of it , she did , as usual , fall asleep a brief time during the movie . We had a semi showing with only a few other people in the theatre and it was in the big one . After that , we went to Olive Garden for dinner . It was good , but the waitress was slightly dippy . I was unhappy with her so she didn 't get the great tip I usually leave . We were eating ( forks up and down eating not just sitting on the table ) and she asks me if we want boxes . Hmm , let 's think about this , we ARE EATING ! No we don 't want boxes yet . The she handed me the check without asking us if we wanted dessert . Well , what if we did ? I hate that . She rushed us through the meal . She won 't last too long there , she is not waitress material for that restauPosted by So , yeah , I know what time I am meeting Wendy , it 's 1 : 30 , she works until 1 : 00 pm . Guess when I remembered that , when we were waiting for her . She was right on time , we were early . Actually , it worked out pretty well because I was able to feed Mom some soup since she was cold and another donut before Wendy arrived , so that was good . Next time though , I will get the time right for me . Silly me ! We had a great time , at least I did , Mom did really well , she doesn 't say much , just quietly sits there and listens . She did have a hard time sitting at the end so it was good that Wendy had to go and pick up her son from school . Mom is doing fine now , back to her normal self . It was so fun talking with Wendy and realizing how much everyone has changed since high school . I am looking forward to the next reunion . I hope to meet with Wendy again soon . It was just so awesome . We didn 't really hang out in high school , we each had our own circle of friends , but it sure is nice to be friends with people I went to high school with now . On face book I am friends with several that I was mostly casual friends with , more like people I knew , but didn 't really know well . Kathy told me I would be happy about this , I should have listen to her years ago , but I was just too stubborn for my own good . I told Wendy about Kathy and her kids and how they are doing . I hope to take a day trip in March to see Kathy and the kids . February is just booked on the weekends , the 13th is the benefit concert and I will be broke after that , then the following weekend is competition , so next month weekends are busy . Maybe the last weekend in Feb , we shall see what her schedule is like . Mom really liked going to visit her when we did in December . Day trips are good for her right now , just the right size for her . She doesn 't get to confused because we are coming home for the evening . I still don 't have my back disability so I don 't know if we are staying over night at competition or not . I am sort of thinking we shouldn 't even if the money comes in because MomPosted by I am meeting Wendy today at 1 : 00 pm . I can 't wait . It shall be fun . I almost typed me fun . Silly me . Mom had a rough morning this morning , but I was up to the challenge . When I realized she was in a bad cycle , ( it only took 15 minutes this time instead of 3 hours ) I got up , she helped me get dressed and then we went to get breakfast . She got out of it by the time we were getting breakfast . She is sleeping in her chair right now . Nothing new there . I hope to take her to a movie tomorrow and I am going to see if Tillie wants to come with us . Anyways , not a long post today . See you later ! It 's been a day . I did enjoy the 3 lessons I had , but other than that it was just a day . Mom 's friend , Jose , can to look at her shower . She took the door off about 5 or more years ago because my brother kept flooding the furnace room when he took a shower . It was annoying , darn near ruined the floor and the ceiling . Then Mom took the door off and he had to take a shower in the tub bathroom . I don 't know why Jose wants the door on but I think he thinks it will help mom . It won 't , but some day it needs to go back on . I am getting tired of tripping over crap in the house but there isn 't much I can do about it right now . Any time I try to clean it up or reorganize , Mom flips out . She is afraid that I am going to throw her stuff out . I am not , but she doesn 't believe anyone . I will , however , throw away garbage like her stupid pieces of Kleenex or paper towel that she carries around every day and then takes them out of her jackets and puts fresh in the next day . I am meeting Wendy for tea tomorrow . I am very excited about that . I haven 't seen her in over 20 years , more like 23 years since high school . Who would have thought ? Not me . I was the one who never wanted to go to the reunions , now I will probably go to the next one , providing I find someone to watch mom for me . She isn 't coming with me to that . I put my foot down on that . I take her everywhere else . I am rather tired now . It is about 7 pm , not quite bed time . Mom is always ready for bed anytime after 5 pm . We will go up in about an hour . I wonder how Richard is doing . He should really come and visit Mom while she still knows who he is . She is slowly forgetting all of us , she even asks if I am Heather sometimes . Usually first thing in the morning or late at night . During the day she is fine . She doesn 't do this everyday , mind you , just once in a while about once every other week . I will be getting the new crock Wednesday ! I can 't wait . I am inviting Tillie over for Sunday dinner , I will be making what my friend 's children call green rice and ham . It is rice , spinPosted by It 's raining outside , but warmer than it was . We are supposed to get the super cold weather back later this week . Ugh . Not happy about that , not happy at all . I am really tired today , I tried to sleep in but with Mom , you know how hard that is . I think I will slip into the front room and try to sneak a nap in on the chair . She usually leaves me alone there for a while anyways . She is sleeping in her chair as usual . And I wonder why she doesn 't sleep much at night , right , I know why , she sleeps all day . Debbie will have her lesson later today . Wish it was more than just Debbie , but , nothing right now I can do about it . Mom is doing alright today except for the sleeping part . That is actually normal for her . Sleep during the day , up during the night . I have tried to fix it , but I am losing the battle . As long as she is blocked in upstairs , she is fine . She does get some sleep at night , just not as much as I would like her too . Pain is medium to high today in the head . My right side is going to fall off soon . I took an Advil even though I really am not supposed to , but the Tylenol is just not cutting it . Not much happening today , hopefully better this week . I will be seeing my friend , Wendy , on Tuesday and I will see Heather on Thursday so my week is looking good . The only day that will be boring is Wednesday as of right now I have no lessons scheduled for then , Rachel and Rebecca don 't have their lessons scheduled yet , so I hope to know when theirs are soon . I hope your day is sunny and nice out unlike the yucky rain we are getting . We went to Chili 's tonight , well , this afternoon for dinner . They were having a special two for $ 20 that included an appetizer , 2 entrees , and dessert ! We had a gift cert from Christmas from Richard , so I thought , why not ! ! ! Mom still does well going out to eat so off we went ! I had two lessons earlier , was supposed to be three , but turned out to be 2 . It was still a good day . Mom and I are now watching Walker , Texas Ranger , season 5 disc 4 episode 2 . We love this show . After this we are going to go to bed , it 's been a long day for her . I might read a bit in my room . I am reading a really good book right now . I have read it before , but it still good . Mom gave it to me for Christmas . About 2 days before Christmas she said she wanted to give me books for Christmas so we went to the used bookstore for them . I got 7 books for about $ 21 . Mom saw a Curious George Christmas book and I asked her if she would like it , she said yes , so I got it for her . It was expensive ! It cost about $ 14 but she likes those kind of books and doesn 't have much time left so I got it for her . A small thing to bring her much pleasure . I also got her a puzzle book , the type where every page is a puzzle . There are about 8 pages in it . It was Christmas theme . Next year , I don 't anticipate a very good Christmas for her , I don 't think she will remember much by then so I am trying to pack as much as I can into this year for us , despite the shortage of funds . She likes simple things that don 't cost a lot of money . We watch a lot of movies and TV together . She likes that a lot , even when she falls asleep during them briefly . She is wide awake tonight , I don 't know why , but hey , I am not questioning it . Pain is not so bad considering I am completely out of prescription pain pills . The refill will be ready Monday , but I don 't know if I will have the money , if Grace has a lesson , then I will otherwise I will need to wait until Wednesday . I have Tylenol so it isn 't like I have nothing for pain and if really necessary , Advil . I don 't take Advil because of Posted by Sewing day this afternoon . The girls are doing really well including the littlest one . She pined her first piece of material today . She pined really nicely , all straight and a little close together , but other than that , she did awesome . I get to learn how to knit next week . Can 't wait . My friend , Heather , is going to teach me . Mom is getting used to my friend who has the same name as me , it doesn 't confuse her as much as it used to . We to start this endeavor next week . I am very excited to learn this task again . I used to know when I was a kid , but that was a long time ago . Other than sewing , rather boring day after that excitement for the day . I have 3 students tomorrow and 1 on Sunday . So between the hours of 1 pm to 2 : 30 pm , I will be busy , and then , not so much , another boring day . Outside of the 5 : 30 to 6 : 00 pm tomorrow , Sunday is looking rather dull too . It is the week before Mom 's money comes in so we are slightly broke , so no movie , not that I think anything good is playing . We saw a lot this summer , that was fun . I have a couple more letters to write about lessons . I hope to hear something from someone , I can 't believe that neither teacher has taken me up on this plan . I mean , free lessons for 2 of their students , really . I just don 't understand it . Pain is high right now , don 't really know why since it is warmer than it was yesterday . We shall see how tomorrow goes . I hope your day is good . Kinda of a grumpy day for me . Mom keeps asking me if I am tired yet . That would be because she is up during the night and not sleeping so she is tired during the day . She was up at 1 pm moving crap in her room around and , well , she fell on her cross stitch bag that should never have been on the floor . I don 't know where she got that from because it wasn 't there when I put her to bed . Fortunately , she didn 't hit her head so we didn 't have to go to the ER . We were lucky there . She doesn 't remember falling , but I sure do . I had to move two other bags that she moved into her room , I don 't know where these bags came from , but they were tossed way into the back of the spare room so she can 't get them again . I am not dealing well with her today , she isn 't doing anything different or worse than any other day , I just am grumpy , very grumpy . I had my blood test and the nurse got in one shot , so yeah , on that . I went to the tummy doctor for the 3 month check and the physician assistant asked how mom was doing and I told her she lost 7 more pounds . Now she is going to get a CT scan and a blood test , so that is good . She is trying to get to the bottom of this weight loss . It just falls off her . I need to lose the weight , not her . I , of course , managed to gain another 3 pounds . At this rate , goodness knows how much I will weigh soon . I have got to do something , I am watching my food and I don 't eat the junk food . I give that stuff to mom . At least my cholesterol went down both the bad one and the triglycerides or however you spell it . We have the sub meeting tonight so I am very glad about that . I may not be so grumpy but I can 't just stay at home tonight and do nothing , it is driving me crazy . Maybe we will go to Starbucks in a few minutes to get out of the house again . I just can 't stay here right now . I need to do something with Mom 's room , it is a death trap , literally . If she needs an ambulance , they would NOT be able to get the stretcher in her room , that is how bad it is . Throwing out her stuff or even reorganizing it upsePosted by Mom is all set . She has her card she needs to be put on the list in Windsor . When the card comes in we will go and take care of it . We were at Tillie 's this afternoon . She even made us dinner ! It was good , she made pork , veggies , and fries . Mom ate the fries which shocked me because they were seasoned and she doesn 't do well with seasonings . She did get a bit of a tummy ache afterward , but she is fine now . She is actually sleeping in the chair at the dining room table while I am watching Law and Order SVU . Now she awake again . I tried to go on the website for Canada pension because Mom paid into it when she was in the service , but for some reason it wouldn 't accept her number . I will double check that I have her proper number and try it again tomorrow . I have a blood test and a doctor appointment all in the same day tomorrow . Lucky me . Yeah . I am so happy about that . NOT ! ! ! It is an appointment with the tummy doctor to check for side effects on the medicine I am on . I don 't have any so I am happy about that . Apparently it can cause some serious side effects and there is a group trying to get it pulled off the market . I am rather screwed should they do that as nothing has worked like this . Hopefully they won 't . Then in the evening , we are going to the subdivision 's board meeting , always an interesting time . Mom goes with me . I think she enjoys the meetings too , she is just quiet during them . Pain is normal today . No big deal , nothing unusual . I hope your day is going well like mine did . Oh , and tomorrow , I will work some more on the Christmas ornaments . It 's Tuesday and 3 lessons again today . Katie just had her lesson . She is really improving a whole lot . It is awesome . She is working hard on her competition songs . She is planning to sing them for the benefit too . Might as well , get as much out of those songs as possible , plus , competition is a week after the benefit so she will be more than ready with those . Frank is not as ready as I would like . Rachel , not sure of , haven 't seen her in a couple of weeks . Zach and Charlie have their lessons tonight too then we are going to the little cafe for dinner . I don 't feel like cooking or heating up anything . I have to empty the fridge though , I just remembered that . We have old food that needs to be removed . Mom is having an okay day - not great or good , but not too bad . She got upset when I went upstairs and she forgot where I was . She needs to be with me everywhere so she feels safe . This morning was her usual coming in and out . Gating her upstairs definitely keeps her up there . She doesn 't even think about going near it any more , so I am very happy about that . I finished Rachel 's music today . Ugh , it was a hard one . Mostly because I know I have a good tape accompaniment of it , but I can 't find it so I had to put it in finale . But it is finally done ! Both of her songs are done . The prayer was easy , but not upon this rock . Frank and I worked on Alleluia yesterday . He is accompanying her at competition , they will get together next week . He almost has the song memorized which is good . He just needs to memorize all his stuff ! I get nervous around this time every year for competition . It just gets nerve wracking ! I am not in charge of how much that the kids practice and stuff so that is what gets to me . My side is sore today - not sure why . Other than that , not too bad in the pain level . We are heading for Windsor tomorrow . I have to bring Tillie her mail when we go . We are having dinner around 4 : 30 ish . At least I don 't have to cook tomorrow ! ! ! Have a great night ! I had my usual 3 lessons for the day . After a really boring day yesterday , today was a sigh of relief . I have 3 lessons spread out tomorrow so I am very happy about that ! ! ! The news was on and Mom started crying , so I changed to Golden Girls . She loves the show a lot even though I think we have seen every episode at least once if not twice . It is an interesting show this one . We will probably watch the next couple episodes because Mom can 't handle the news about Haiti today . I mean , it is so awful what happened , and I am glad there are a lot of people over there helping them . Other than the lessons , not much going on . It is just boring days around here . I would prefer more excitement , but good excitement , not the bad type . Pain is normal today . Mom is doing alright outside of the crying from the news . We don 't watch the news a lot because she is very emotional these days . She did wake up at 1 am and was ready to go for the day until I told her what time it was , she went back to bed after that . I hope she sleeps through the night tonight ! I hope your day is good . I am watching the movie Fame . It is the remake , the 2009 version and so far it is really dumb . We just watched Night of the Museum , the first one . it was good . I loved the TV series Fame , but this movie is just not good . I don 't remember the original movie except I didn 't like it either . I thought this would be better . If it doesn 't improve in the next few minutes , it 's going off . finally , a song I actually know , Out Here On My Own . I love this song , I sung it for competition when I was about 19 and won . It was the first time I got first place . Mom is alright today , she woke up early as usual but she wasn 't confused , so that was good . She did her usual coming in and out of my room a lot . It gets annoying but I can 't do anything about that , she doesn 't realize I am trying to sleep ! I don 't understand how she misses the point as my eyes are closed ! But she does miss the point every day . No point in trying to get her to realize I am trying to sleep , she will just get upset and then that would be the end of it . She woke up at 3 am and didn 't want to go back to sleep . She did once I told her what time it was . Then she woke up again at about 7 and I don 't think she went back to bed . She is tired now and was sleeping on the chair . i thought she was going to sleep during breakfast . I really did , her eyes were closing and everything . Okay - just took the movie Fame out and put in Walker , Texas Ranger season 5 disc 3 . Definitely , a better choice . Pain is a bit high , I don 't really know why today , I didn 't do anything to increase it , but it is high , especially in the left shoulder , the annoying one . I don 't know what I did to it in the first place . It started in June and hasn 't really let up since . I can 't move it completely upright yet . I should be getting a cortisone shot soon after I get my next blood test . I have to do the blood test on a Tuesday so that the shot can be done on a Friday . We shall see . Ross says they do help , I was sceptical about the whole idea . I mean , I have tried so much that hasn 't worked yet . It has bPosted by The last two days have been fun filled until right about now . Mom is having a rough evening . I gave her medicine so I hope it kicks in soon . She was great yesterday at my friend , heather 's house . She does really well there now , so I am happy about that . It wasn 't too windy so she wasn 't freaked out about the wind . We were at sewing earlier this afternoon . She was falling asleep there a lot . I picked up our dinner on the way home . I just gave her an ensure , she needs to gain about 23 pounds to get to 120lbs . I just don 't want her to lose any more weight so I just keep feeding her . It doesn 't do a whole lot of good since she is still super tiny , but I try . I would gladly give her what I don 't want , but it just doesn 't work that way . We are watching the news about the earthquake in Haiti , how awful . About 140 , 000 people killed , that is the new estimate . The looting has started there too . That is awful , it just shows how desperate the situation is . I feel for the people there , I can 't imagine such a situation as theirs . Mom is calming down now , the medicine is kicking in . She has stopped crying now and is not asking so much where are we and when will we go home . We are already home . She isn 't normally like this . This is an unusual night . I don 't know why this happens every few weeks . It isn 't her normal nightly behavior . She is hard to pin down . She has done a bit of hallucinating about me as a little girl but that only has happened 2 times both in the morning . Once I break whatever cycle she is in ( usually leaving the house ) she forgets all about the little girl and she is fine . She does get upset over the news at times so I change the channel when that happens , we have many choices and if there isn 't anything good on TV , I put it a disc that she likes . We don 't have to do this too often , but when it becomes necessary , I take care of it . She isn 't ready for a nursing home yet , I do know that will happen in the future , but she won 't do well if we place her now . She would probably stop eating ( that 's what she does whenPosted by I am going to my friend Heather 's today ! I will see her adorable 2 kids and her ! I am very excited about this ! Can you tell ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Not too much going on today . I have to print the coupon for border 's books so I can get this month 's book club book . Aggie chose it . It 's one of her favorite books so I think I will probably like it . I like reading different books than I normally would have , it makes life interesting , and I need an interesting life . Usually , it is kinda dull nowadays . It was interesting when we had the store , but now , not so much unless I am teaching , then it is fun . We ran into Irv and Rosemary at Tim Horton 's this afternoon , what a fun time ! They are our neighbors who live down the road from us . He is president of the subdivision board of directors . I am a board member so I see him once a month at the meetings and I run into Rosemary a lot at Tim Horton 's . It is always fun chatting with her . Mom 's tummy is back to normal today . Thank goodness ! She didn 't feel so hot last night with a sore tummy but now she is fine . She is sleeping in the chair again . We didn 't go to Windsor today after all , I just didn 't have the time this morning as I wasn 't feeling so hot myself . I feel better now , but my head is not too happy with me . It is better , but not enough to have to actually think on filling out papers . I will go next week . Thursday this week and next week are doctor appointments so that only leaves Wednesday for going to Windsor , unless I have a make up lesson , which I won 't know until next week . I have to finish Rachel 's song in finale for competition . It is a rather difficult song and I have a tape of the accompaniment somewhere , I just don 't know where . I wish I could find it , but I have looked and I don 't see it anywhere . I am going to look in the office again in case it is hiding in there . I hope so , it would be better than what I am trying to do . I hope you are having a good day and doing well ! I am rather tired now . It is about 8 : 30 pm . I am watching NCIS . I love this show . Mom has a tummy ache tonight . I gave her some medicine so I hope it is working . I don 't think either one of us are up for something lasting long tonight . Poor thing , she is sleeping in her chair . She has had a couple of decent nights and days the last couple of days . I am very thankful for that . We were planning to go to Windsor tomorrow but with Mom 's tummy , we shall see . It has been hurting her on and off all day so we may just stay home and go next week , all depends on her . I am seeing my friend , Heather , on Thursday . I am so excited about that . Mom loves her kids , they are awesome . I have some piano CDs for the little guy , Acer , to figure out on the piano . I hope he likes them . Calli plays too and she is doing really well . I hope to find some information about teaching children with vision impairments how to play the piano . It sounds very fun to me to learn how to do this . I am hoping it helps Calli and Acer who love music . Mom has done really well the last few nights . I am happy about that . Her tummy isn 't doing so good right now or all day . She gets tummy aches every so often but I did take her to the specialist and they did a lot of tests and she doesn 't really have anything wrong . So I am glad of that . Pain level is medium and I am a bit cold . I have the little heater on the table but it is facing Mom right now because she is even colder than I am . It is supposed to warm up in the next few days , man I hope so because it is really cold tonight . I have another blanket for Mom 's bed and two more for mine . I know will have 6 blankets on my bed . My room is the cold room in the upstairs . Mom 's is the medium room , my old room is the hot room of the upstairs . I hope you are warm wherever you are ! or at least trying to stay warm ! Well , I was WRONG ! We can have a great night and a good morning all in the same cycle ! Mom did great last night , she went into bed and didn 't get up until she needed to go to the bathroom and this morning did well too ! I am soooooo happy about that . She let me sleep until the alarm clock went off ( too early if you ask me , I reset it for 25 minutes later ! ) and then let me sleep again until it went off again . Then she helped me get dressed and we brushed the teeth and were ready to go . All in all , a great day so far . Bob had his lesson , the girls had theirs , Grace will have hers later in the week , and Frank will be here tonight . I love the Mondays of the month . Tuesdays are a close second . Wednesdays and Thursdays are not so fun because there are no lessons , but hey , can 't have everything can you ? ? ? I actually spoke to both of my brothers yesterday . Shocking I know . Andrew called to see how Mom is doing and I called Richard last night . Both are doing alright , Richard is still working so that is awesome . His job is a temp one and the contract was supposed to be up in August / September , but he is still there . I hope he finds another one quickly after this one is over . I think my brothers are missing out on Mom too much . At least Richard is , Andrew was , but he saw Mom at Christmas and I think he realized that if he doesn 't stay in touch with Mom , eventually she won 't remember him . Richard lives so far away from us but he works about 4 hours away . I don 't know if he will come and visit or not or just let his memory fade away from her . I , on the other hand , even with the rough spots , love being with mom all the time . I get her and they miss out . I hope we will visit Andrew a bit more now because Mom really enjoyed spending the time with him over the holidays . I got in touch with the alumni chapter of Mu Phi Epsilon . They are a music fraternity that I was a member of in college . Was supposed to have a meeting tonight , but they are canceling it because of the white stuff coming down ! ! ! ! ! ! I will have to wait until next month Posted by So I guess either I have Mom have a good night and a bad morning , or a bad night and a good morning , I would hope both the good night and good morning , but maybe I am wishing too much . She began wandering around the upstairs at 7 : 30 am . Yeah , not happy about that , I am not a morning person . I hope she doesn 't do this every morning or I will never have a good sleep again for a long time . She did stay in my room for about 1 / 2 hour around 9 ish , so I slept for a 1 / 2 hour before she started calling my name again . This is the first time she has done it , so maybe it was a fluke . i am hoping so . She is fine now , sitting in her chair . Debbie will be here for a lesson soon so Mom is a happy camper now , she just wasn 't this morning . Andrew called , I was surprised , pleasantly surprised . He wanted to know when I was going to go and get Mom 's OHIP number ( Ontario health insurance ) , we will probably go this week Weds or Thurs depending on what my schedule is like . Tillie 's package came in so we will take that to her too . Mom does pretty well on day trips and we don 't go to far so I am not in extra pain so good all around . I am getting ready for the benefit concert next month . I hope to have Katie , Katie , and Danielle over for a brief rehearsal before the concert . I haven 't heard them play in a while . Katie P and Danielle have been in college away from home so I am glad they are playing in the concert . I heard Katie K play a bit ago but I can always hear her play she is so good . I think she is playing the Phantom of the Opera music for the concert . Danielle is doing Beatles and I don 't know what Katie is planning yet . Debbie is going to be the MC and perform 4 songs . I am really excited about this concert . It is the week before competition so any of my students who are competing and in the concert will play their competition music . Pain is a little high after this mornings episode , I expected to be . I hope it goes back to normal by dinner time . I have to buy the new book for book club this week . My border 's coupon expires tomorrowPosted by After Lily 's lesson was book club . Aggie , Katie , and Katie couldn 't attend today . Maggie and I had a blast anyways ! I love the time period of the book I choose for this month . The Tudors . Henry VIII is a fascinating man , even though I would never want to be one of his queens . It an interesting time in history with how the women had no choice in anything they did . Men told them what to do . The book is called , " The Other Boleyn Girl " and written from Mary Boleyn 's point of view which I find so interesting because you can see Anne from her side of it . I have seen the movie too , it is pretty close to the book , I think because I can 't remember it exactly . I will have to watch it again , maybe tomorrow after dinner . Maggie and I have such fun times together . Her husband , Bob , is my student so that is how I met her . Lily is doing well with her lessons , she seems to really enjoy singing and even plays the vocal part on the piano while she is practicing . I am very pleased about that . Aggie missed her lesson too , she had a lot to do this afternoon since she goes back to Michigan State University tomorrow . I miss her when she is gone , she is a neat young woman . I will see her in two weeks for her next lesson though . I will have Debbie 's lesson tomorrow . I am almost done with her music for the benefit . I have to copy the music for Aggie still , I just don 't think about it when I have time and panic about it when I don 't , not a good idea ! Mom is alright today . She has a new thing now . She asks how much does it cost to stay the night . She forgets she owns the house and we pay a mortgage on it . She doesn 't like sleeping in her own room , but logistically , it wouldn 't never work to put our beds in the same room . Her room is too hot for me and my room is too cold for her , and she sleeps with her light on , so that wouldn 't work for me either . I like a cold and dark room . She is doing pretty well , I think , over all . Her cut on her lip is looking much better too . Tomorrow I am going to move some of the boxes in her room away from the bePosted by It was sewing day ! Finally ! ! ! ! I was sooooo excited this morning about it . So was Mom . The girls got new outfits to start on this afternoon . We couldn 't actually start anything because we have to wash the material first for shrinkage so next week will be the start of the outfits . I got Sarah her material for the skirt she is going to help me make . She is so excited about sewing , I am just in heaven over it all . I have new scissors to use too . I just have to buy another pair of pinking shears because we have lost them . Other than that , not much happening around the house . Mom is doing alright , I am doing alright , so it 's good . I hope you are doing alright too ! ! ! I just mailed all the competition stuff out and I emailed the forms the other day , so I am ahead of schedule there ! Go Me ! finally , a year where I am ahead of the game , not behind it . I hope you are having a wonderful day and see you tomorrow ! What a night ! Yup , it was a good one ! Mom stayed in bed after she went in the first time . It has been so long since she has done that I can 't remember . Then to top it off , she didn 't wake me up in the morning early ! I actually got a bit of sleep for a change . I am one happy camper about that . I had my blood test today . I will find out the results later in the afternoon for the pro - time , but next week on the cholesterol . The nurse was able to find my vein right away and it worked first time she poked me . It was wonderful . I have mean veins , they hide from nurses who have needles , that causes the nurses to have to poke a lot and that hurts . So all in all , it has been a good day so far . It is supposed to snow a lot today , ugh , but it will look awfully pretty out ! I can live without snow though as long as it doesn 't get too cold . I think it a bit , Mom and I are going to a movie or watching one here at home . It just sounds like that type of day , know what I mean ? I have to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life , career wise , I mean . Right now I teach a bit , and some actually pay , but most of them are on scholarship and the rest of my money comes from disability . I have to look ahead of when Mom won 't be here to help pay the bills and the house . I am starting to work on that now so that I am ready when she needs 24 hour care . I just don 't know what I want to really do , I want to open a new school of music , but I am not sure about that yet either . We shall see ! I hope you are having a good , snowy day ! Rather cold today , not as cold as yesterday , but rather cold nevertheless . It is freezing in here too , I went to get my fleece jacket so I won 't be cold . This is crazy weather . I know , you would think I would be used to it after my whole life in Michigan , but I just am not . We went to visit Pine Ridge today . What a disappointment that was . Yes , the apartment Mom could afford , that was the good part , the bad part , the care is on top of the apartment . Not in our budget . So I was rather disappointment . Tillie came with us , but she didn 't need to ask any questions because we just can 't afford that for Mom . It was an assisted living place not a nursing home . I thought this would be a good place for her , but I was wrong . So I guess when she needs more care we are going to have to look at home care unless she needs nursing home . I am not putting in her in one until she needs it . That is for sure . We are doing alright most of the time , the two of us together . She didn 't have a good morning though and I don 't like it when she has a bad day in front of people because they tend to think that is how she is most of the time . I had a make - up lesson this afternoon , Bob . He plays really well , he sight read his newest piece , Yesterday ( by the Beatles ) wonderfully . I think he is going to play in the benefit concert too . I hope so . I am pleased that I finished the newsletter for the month . yeah , me ! Pain isn 't really too bad for how bad the weather is . I hope your day is going well . Mom doesn 't want to go outside tonight . I told Jose that evening is bad for her , but it 's the time he wanted . I hope she changes her mind by the time he gets here . She is upset right now so I gave her her anxiety medicine . I hope it helps her feel better because right now she doesn 't want to go . Tomorrow we are going to visit a assisted living facility . I hope mom likes it because by end of summer I anticipate that she will need them . I hope not , but I will be ready for it . Tillie is coming with us . I invited her to come with us . She will be here about 11 ish am . I will be up by 10 : 30 am to make sure I hear her . I am glad she is coming because she may have questions I wouldn 't think about . Georgette said they looked at this place for her mother - in - law and it was expensive . I told the lady from A Place For Mom how much money we have to work with , so I hope it wasn 't a mistake by sending us there . We shall see ! She is calmer already about going out she has already forgotten that she didn 't want to go . It has been a good day , I had two students , Zach and Charlie . They both are doing quite well . Zach has solo and ensemble next Saturday , he was a bit late today so I asked him to come early next week to make up the time . With competition next week , it 's crucial that he has all the time with me he needs . He knows one piece real well , but the timing on the other is a bit shaky at times . He pretty much had it by the time he left , but I will feel better checking into it . I am going to see my friend , Heather , next week too ! Her kids are so amazing . I just love them both a lot , they are so talented with music . I hope it isn 't windy because last time we had to leave early because she was afraid of the wind . It was really windy that day though , I mean really windy . We had high wind warnings that day , so you can imagine . Mom keeps asking me when are we heading home , it is really sad that she forgets where we are . Jose should be here in a few minutes so I better end this soon . I hope your day is going well . I am still debating on whePosted by Mom 's friend , Jose , was over this afternoon . He needed some help putting his resume on line , so I took care of it for him . He brought some cream over to help Mom 's arthritis foot . Sometimes it really pains her . He left some cream for me to help with Mom 's little foot . He is taking her out to dinner tomorrow . I warned him about how she is after the sun goes down . I keep the drapes drawn so she can 't really tell what time of day it is . It helps a lot , but he is planning to take her out to dinner . She worked with him years ago before she retired . I have known him since I was 14 ish years old . You can do the math there , I won 't , too depressing about the age . My cousin , Hayley is going to do a valentine 's day craft swap . If you want more info , just email me and I will send you the link to her blog . She is very talented at crafts and stuff ! Not much really happen this evening . I don 't really want to play my DS anymore , it 's tiring today . Frank had his lesson this afternoon . He is doing so well . Bob had to reschedule to Wednesday since the window people were at his house putting in the new windows . Rescheduling is a piece of cake since I don 't have many students right now . I have mailed the letters to the school directors , hope to hear from them this week ! Fingers crossed ! ! ! ! Pain isn 't so bad right now . Everything seems to be at it 's normal annoying place , not to high , but not low enough for me . I hope your day is good and the week starting out nicely for you ! ! Alvin and the Chipmunks are sooooooo cute ! It was a really cute movie with cute music . The Chipettes were really cute too . I didn 't know there was a movie out in 2007 with the chipmunks , we will have to get it for mom . She loves these movies . Definitely a better day today than yesterday . No meltdown . I gated Mom in at the top of the up stairs and that seemed to work pretty well . She just wondered in and out of her room to my room , just like I had hoped . She didn 't try to move the gate at all so I am one happy camper today . Lily and Julie were dancing at the end of the movie , it was so cute to see Lily dancing in her seat . She is going to be 12 soon , and that blows my mind at times . She has grown up so fast . And her sister will be 17 ! That is even crazier ! Emily was so small when I first met her , now she is a junior and everything ! I have a pretty busy evening around here . Rachel and Rebecca can 't have a lesson on Tuesday as originally planned , so they are on their way for a lesson now . Debbie will have a lesson ( practice ) around 6 to 6 : 30 ish . I haven 't really heard her sing for almost 5 years ! I can 't believe she is in her 20 's now . She IS all grown up . Scary scary scary ! She lives in this beautiful , big house with her best friend , Justine . I am so happy things are going well for her . She has a new job , a new house , friends flying in to see her . I mean , things have really turned around for her since she came back from India . I am working with a lady named Marie , from a Place for Mom , to help place Mom in a home when she needs one . I know it will probably be before summer , but I am hoping it will be after summer . I was lucky I found this place because they do all the searching for you . They ask you questions and find places that fit in your budget that are good homes , not the bad ones . They also help you with the questions you need to ask homes about Mom . Mom is doing better today then she was yesterday . She fell out of bed a couple of days ago , but we have not had a repeat incident . She just didn 't realize she was Posted by Well , major melt down this morning . I mean over something ridicules . I have a difficult time dressing myself because of the pain . Mom was hallucinating about a little girl downstairs . I needed to get dressed so we could go and get breakfast , but I couldn 't get her to focus on staying upstairs . I had a melt down and that diverted her attention back to me . It worked , but not exactly how I wanted to behave . She has been more confused at night , I am wondering if it is her new medicine . I am not giving it to her tonight to see . Last night she kept asking me when we were going home , which is something she has done for the last few nights . She never did this before , so I don 't know if it is the disease or the medicine . We shall find out . Finished up the newsletter for my students about the upcoming events . We have competition and a benefit concert in February . The spring concert won 't be until Mayish . I will be signing up for that soon though . I sent 2 letters out to 2 high school band directors with my business cards letting them know about 2 scholarships I am giving 2 of their students . I hope to hear from them this week . Then I will have 4 new students , granted they won 't be paying for the lessons , but it will be 2 more hours I am busy and that is good . Pain is pretty high today , especially since the melt down . Hope it lessens soon . Hope your day is better than mine . So far , 2010 isn 't starting so good . I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
Category Archives : short story 30May2016 Grandma Posted in short story by doteroms ' I just can not believe he would do such a thing ! I 'm so angry … ' her voice trailed off . I had been eavesdropping for three minutes and I still did not know what made mum so mad . I knew it had something to do with Dad , it always did . She was talking with Grandma but I could only hear her voice . Grandma was soft spoken , even in regular conversations you had to read her lips to understand what she was saying . From where I was standing , on the landing I could only see Mum , the living room door was barely open . The phone rang suddenly . ' Hello . Yes . Speaking . I would be right there ' Mum hung up . ' That was the Police ' she said frantically . I could see mum pacing around the room likely looking for her hand bag . ' Take care of Elsa for me . ' She said hurriedly , the front door shut loudly behind her . I tip - toed back upstairs , but Grandma was already at the living room door trying to make sense of why I was walking funny . ' What are you doing up at this time ? ' She whispered . I began the descent one step at a time . Grandma watched me patiently with a weird smile . She held her left hand toward me . When I reached the final step , I took her out stretched hand and looked into her eyes and that was the last thing I remembered . I could hear the toads croaking and see the birds flying indistinctly from tree to tree . I could barely see , I was lying on dirt in my pyjamas under a tree . The sun was not out yet but the forest was awake . I searched around for Grandma , she was not with me . ' Grandma ' I got on my feet , my head was spinning , it was difficult to focus . ' Grandma ' I shouted this time . I looked up at the tree I was under and realised that I knew it , it was not far from the house . Getting my skewed bearing in check , I began walking in the general direction of the house . I could not understand what was I doing here , how did I get here ? I soon noticed that the ground became really wet , and uncomfortable , I looked down and realised I was walking in mud . I panicked and I tried to run back to the tree but I could not see it . So I stopped . I considered the possibility that I was dreaming . I slapped myself and pinched my nose and closed my eyes , nothing seemed to wake me up . Suddenly , I saw the torch light . ' Grand Ma ? ' I whispered walking toward the light . ' Elsa , Elsa ' I could hear her old raspy voice . She pointed her torch at me . It felt like she was holding two torchlights . I used my elbows to block out the light . ' Oh my goodness Elsa I thought I had lost you ' Grandma picked me up and gave me the tightest hug . Just then , I realised Mum was standing next to her , ' Elsa you cannot just run away like that ' Mum yelled , she seemed upset and not as pleased to see me , something was wrong . ' I did not run away Mum , Grandma … she brought me here , and , and … ' the more I explained the more I felt stupid , I could feel Mum 's burning stare on me . ' What Elsa is trying to say is that she is sorry and would not behave like that again , would you Elsa ? ' Grandma cut in . I looked back at Grandma . I could not understand what was happening , why was she lying like she was not the one who brought me to the forest , how did she get back to the house so quickly , how many minutes had I been knocked out ? ' Grandma why did you bring me - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I decided to try my hands on thriller . I have come to appreciate that it is hard to gauge fear . There are just too many questions a Writer has to ask , the most important I think is , ' how lost do you want your reader to be ? ' I usually enjoy leaving the end of my stories as open as possible - incase I want a sequel , or to elicit various interpretations from the reader . With ' Grandma ' I am still undecided , I 'll leave it to you , would you want a sequel , were you confused ? I 'll really appreciate your comments . Please like and follow this and my other Posts . This was my attempt at a 100 - word story . Did you figure out what was going on ? Let 's know your take on this . # SometimesLessisMore . He found out that I had lied to him . I had failed to share with him a vital part about my past , I kept him in the dark all those years to protect him . At least that is how I wanted to rationalise it . 10 years ago I found out that I had fibroids . I was shocked , ashamed and confused . I was not married then . The doctors ran me through my options . The option I picked then is what separates me from him . We are waiting at the bus stop on a cold Monday morning about to board the 61 to town . We chose to get rid of our cars a few months ago because of Kola 's new found green love . He wanted to save the planet so badly that our life style changed with each new conservation idea . I loved seeing him passionate about something and I welcomed each innovation by complying . We have two cats and a small house . We were living the life for three years . No external family , no comments . We were a perfect fit in this society . I remember when we met we had dreams of travelling and living in a foreign country . He never once mentioned children . He was not a big fan . But I couldn 't tell whether he was just selfish being an only child , or he was kidding . At least now I know he wasn 't kidding . I mean what man knows what he wants at 23 ? I resented what I had done . I was afraid , I did not know what telling him would do to us . I was sure he would still love me , but I was not certain . Especially because Anika was in the picture , it was too risky . So I kept my secret to my self and looked at him everyday wondering if he would love me the same way if I told him what I had done . He walked into the room and ignored my existence . It was already a month since I told him , he was not over it . I deserved it , I did not blame him . I was selfish , and anything that would result from this I decided to accept . ' Why didn 't you tell me ? We dated for three years , yet you kept it from me . What am I going to tell my mum , that you are barren ? ' That word rang in to the air louder than the bells of a cathedral . He had one hand up with his eyes shut as if trying to block my words . ' I can 't do this ' he mumbled storming out of the room . I stood up and held his arm . There was so much anger tied up in his muscles that I let go immediately . I knew it was over . I had ended us not him by failing to share my secret with him . There are few things in this world that hurt a man , and I know now that concealing secrets is one of them . No , I 'm not talking about prison or rehab , I 'm talking about the NYSC ( National Youth Service Corp ) orientation camp . Part of the service * every graduate of Nigeria must render to their country . Basically , Nigerian graduates who intend working in Nigeria have to give back to the country by serving for a year . The first part of this whole program starts with the ' dreaded ' orientation camp . It is usually the hardest part of the service year for many because for three weeks you have to live on a camp site with different people , eat differently , and change your entire lifestyle ! Before I set out for camp , I spent several weeks , may be months researching on survival techniques I would employ . I read a truck load of blogs , and asked a zillion questions . The response was always the same , " Don 't worry , you will do just fine " . A few might add , " when you get out you will be a stronger person . " Growing up I heard all sorts of ' camp stories ' , to be honest , there were all negative . There were the gruesome stories of how soldiers punished Corpers * severely when they were caught breaking the law , stories of how some Corp members fainted during ' endurance trek ' , how difficult it was using the wash room because of its debilitated state and of course the most common were the shotput * adventures . I think those years of listening to these tales were the formative stages of my ' camp phobia ' . After picking up my posting letter * , the anxiety kicked in . I worried about whether I had bought every thing on my list , whether I had enough money , about who my roommates would be , about what i would eat … . The funniest thing however was that I didn 't look like a nervous wreck , I just became a lot more quiet as my boisterous thoughts ate me up . A few of my friends were posted to the same state as me , so we were excited that no matter how bad it got , we had each other . I remember rolling my suitcase in to the premises and looking back at the gate and wondering if i would come out the same . The camp site for Lagos state isn 't much to take in , I was just too happy there were no bushes . The first thing i noticed however , was the big red dusty field on the right , it contrasted with the tarred roads within the compound . I would later find out that this is the location of ' Mami market ' . Registration started an hour after we arrived , and i must confess it was exhausting . I think i made too many photocopies and too many passport pictures ( talk about over preparation ) . After receiving my kit , I remember asking if it was over … lol . My room was packed with so many bunk beds . I got a top bunk , that meant i had to vault myself up to my bed all the time as these bunks didn 't come with steps . For several days i couldn 't identify all my room mates . It was impossible . There were just too many of us . I only knew those on my side of the room . I remember my first full day . It had been announced the previous day that the bugle would be blown by 4 . 30am , by 3am the next morning all the girls in my room were up . It was a frenzy ! The bathrooms were in a state . There were minor arguments and the constant noisy chatter everywhere , you would think it was 3 in the afternoon . It was drizzling that morning , and I was cold to my bones , the soldiers blew their super loud whistles at us as we made our way to the parade ground . The darkness was intense , I refused to believe my watch that it was morning . I could hear the crickets , feel the dew on my skin , the moon was big and bright , and the stars were twinkling ! All I found myself asking was , what on earth was i doing outside at this time of the morning ? There was the meditation , the public address , physical training and man ' o ' war chants . It was annoying and tiring doing exercises so early in the morning . But after running round in circles and singing the most ridiculous songs … I didn 't feel tired anymore . What i found most interesting about these mornings was the gradual awareness of daylight , the fact that i could suddenly see everyone clearly noticing their sleepy eyes and raggedy whites … They let us return back to the hostel before 8am and we were expected to come down again for drills . I hated drills . I hated the idea of marching under the sun for four bloody hours , I hated the constant thirst and tiredness . After three days , I began to doubt if I would survive it . I was down with a cold , and a cough that altered my voice . Evenings were the best . Those were the only times I really could socialize . There was Mami market - the only place you could buy ' anything ' you wanted and get ' any ' service you required . From photographers , to launders to tailors to restaurants … everyone was out to make money from us . Mami market was most vibrant at night time . Most corpers came out to have a good time . Once there was good music , food and alcohol - it didn 't matter the location , corpers were determined to have fun . I remember the last days of camp , i wasn 't sure if i was imagining it , the parties grew bigger and louder . There were so many social events and activities that made camp fun during the final days . With each day i counted down to the day i would return home to my comfortable bed , to sleep as long as i could . Now that i think about it , I really doubt I remembered to use any of the advise i received prior to camp … the only thing that kept me going was my Ipod and friends . My friends from my uni were totally awesome , don 't know how I would have coped without them . And my camp friends were so much fun also ; there was always a reason to laugh . The soldiers were not as evil as i anticipated , I didn 't have to do shotput and there was no endurance trek . In the end , there was nothing to be afraid of ! My experience has taught me that ' nothing ' is difficult , it only gets difficult when we believe ' it ' is hard . It begins and ends with our perception ! Would i want to go back and do those 21 days again ? Most definitely No . My only advice to anyone going to do their service is , ' Don 't sweat it ! It 's not as bad as they say it is ' Have you gone to camp yet ? what was your experience ? what do you make out of my story ? Feel free to LIKE , COMMENT and SHARE . And if you enjoy my write ups hit the ' follow ' tab to FOLLOW my blog and receive updates on latest posts . The wind blew up leaves on the stairway , but it didn 't clear out the pile that had decorated the front porch . There was dust everywhere like the house was dug up from the Sahara desert . The cobwebs lined the front door in complicated spirals , and I was afraid to touch the door knob . I got out my white handkerchief from my purse and attempted to open the door . It was stuck . I knew this house , it seemed so familiar but I was unsure . I couldn 't remember how I got here , but something told me that it was important to be here . I tried again , this time pushing and turning the knob more vigorously . The door handle came off and fell on the leafy sandy floor in a clang . I looked down at it in disbelief . At that point I knew I should be worried about curious neighbours and hidden pets attacking me , but I wasn 't . I also knew I should have knocked before trying to open the door , but I hadn 't . Trying to ignore my thoughts , I picked up the door handle from the floor and tried to stick it back to the door . Just then , the door opened . I pushed the door wide open quickly ; afraid the wind might shut it . The room was dark . I reached for the light switch just beside the door and the room was flooded in a yellow dull light . The spiders had completed their artwork inside the house as well , from wall to wall , ceiling to floor ; their dust carrying webs were everywhere , I sneezed a lot as I moved around . I knew where I was but I couldn 't quite place it , maybe it was because it looked different ; abandoned . There were two huge stairways than ran across the duplex with all the rooms upstairs visible from the landing . As I walked through the dusty carpet I could hear in my head children screaming in excitement . There was the huge chandelier above me which lighted up the house . Only three of the bulbs were working and the five others had dark lines across them , suggesting they had died out a long time ago . The landing was like an art gallery , sparsely furnished . There were several paintings lined across the walls , mimics of course of original art works like Leonardo da vinci 's Mona lisa and a couple of Kandiski 's abstract paintings . Looking at the paintings I knew where I was now . I walked more frantically through the room searching for my favourite painting , it had been relocated ! I finally found it hanging on the left wall . It was a Frida Kahlo painting , the self portrait one . Like all the other paintings , this one was covered in dust and I could hardly make out Frida 's face . I suddenly could smell chocolate cake in my head , the kitchen was the door just opposite me and I remembered how Gran always kept a slice for me even when all the cake was gone . Everything on the Ground floor looked the same except they looked older . The walls were white washed and the carpet felt more like sand than its earlier soft feathery feel . What bothered me the most was that I couldn 't tell what year I was in , albeit I knew I was in the future . I went back to the entrance to take one of the stairways leading upstairs in search of a clue . There were six rooms upstairs , and only one belonged to Gran three were on the left side and the other three on the right side . Upstairs snaked into a u - shape , connecting to the other stairway . I enjoyed running and jumping through each connecting stairway playing hide and seek with my cousins . Upstairs was a lot brighter , I could admire the chandelier better . It was old and beautiful , very much antique worthy . On occasion I stayed in the second room , right next to Gran 's room . I opened the door of the second room gently half expecting it to be locked . It looked exactly the way I left it . The matching pink sheets and cover were still on , and the winnie the pooh curtain still hung loosely above the window adjacent to the bed . I walked around the tiny room but there was nothing else to see . I began cleaning the glass window with my already dirty handkerchief to look outside . At that point , I heard my name . I froze . Stopped cleaning and listened , just to be sure it wasn 't my imagination . The voice got distant with each call , it was definitely coming from downstairs . " Sally , did you break the door ? " a familiar voice rang across the house . It was John , my husband . He was holding the door handle in one hand and looked up trying to make out where I was . " You said you were only checking this place out , you didn 't say you would come inside . What if someone finds out we are here ? We could get in serious trouble Sally . " " No John . It 's fine , this is my Gran 's house , I 've finally remembered . " I said excitedly and hurried down to meet him . 23Nov2012 A Quest for freedom Posted in short story by doteroms He got his things and left . He left all the pain behind . His home which was nothing more than a house filled with memories of sadness and grief . Kona was convinced he had done the right thing . He raced down the street trying to remind himself repeatedly that he was the victim . Kona clutched his bag a little tighter than necessary trying to control the energy and adrenaline that forged through his body . He looked back one last time just in case he was being followed . Seeing the highway just ahead he relaxed a little . He remembered the night when his whole world came crashing down . It was the first time he wept since their funeral . It was the first time it dawned on him that they were never coming back . That he was all alone . Kona cried himself to sleep that night . It was just 2am but he found himself suddenly startled by the creak from his bedroom door . It was dark and the power was out . He searched frantically for his torch but he couldn 't find it . He could see a silhouette at the door , but could not make out what it was . " Who is it ? , " he called out . The shadow advanced toward him , it was a man , a very well built man of average height . He knew who it was now , it was Uncle George . " Uncle , is that you ? What 's the matter ? " Before he could ask a third question , he felt a sharp pain forge through his shoulders as he fell on the floor . " Get off the road you fool , if you don 't know how to cross ask for assistance . " An angry motorist yelled at the teenager who was lost in thoughts . Startled Kona jumped off the road . He had walked for five minutes already and had not realised he had arrived at the busy highway ; a kilometre away from the house . Looking at his wristwatch , he knew he had to move faster . " Angela should be at the bus station by now , " he muttered to himself , scanning the traffic for a commercial motorbike . The last eight years of his life had been nothing but misery and injustice after his parents had died in a fatal car accident . He watched his Uncle and Aunt live like kings and queens while he worked like a mere peasant . Dying intestate , his father had placed his brother as the next of kin . There was little the law could do about it ; except for his uncle to take care of him . " Young man we understand , and we promise you they will not hurt you again . Right now you have to go home , you cannot stay here . " the policeman had said as he gently shoved Kona toward the door . " You don 't understand , they beat me every night at 2am , I cannot sleep , I am afraid . Please help me Sir . " The little boy pleaded with tears in his eyes . It was a lie . Kona knew nothing would be done . The entire village was corrupt with Uncle George 's lies and political ambitions . Everyone cowered at his presence . His father 's death had made it all too easy for Uncle George to attain the fame he and his wife hungered for . The villagers all thought Kona was insane , they believed anything they were told . School was torture for Kona ; his classmates despised him because their parents had fed them with the same lies . The only person who ever talked to him was Angela , a little girl about his age who used to come on holiday from the city twice every year . She was his next door neighbour , she heard him cry every night for help . Kona remembered vividly the first time they met . She was different . She was not anything like the other girls in the village . Her hair was braided differently in tiny spirals of corn rolls all meandering into eachother , her smile was so beautiful and welcoming . That was the start of a friendship that manoeuvred Kona 's already disordered world . The beatings continued as both his uncle and his wife , Carol took turns to whip him , in a quest to change the insane boy . But , he grew used to it . He feigned unconcious whenever he wanted them to stop , they didn 't know whether he was pretending or not . They never bothered to check , when they saw him motionless they knew he had been cured for the day . Meeting Angela gave Kona the strength he needed to live again . She was the only reason he kept fighting to live . He had forgotten how meticulously organised she was . She never understood that plans were always subject to change . As she continued speaking , Kona 's mind was once again lost in the events that had made him late . It was 12noon , no one was at home , Aunt Carol had travelled , Uncle George was at work , Kona was supposed to be at school . He waited for his Uncle to drive out and then broke into the house . He had been planning this escape for years , thanks to Angela , the plan was flawless . He had his own key to the house unknown to them and he knew where his documents where . The birth certificate and the adoption papers were lying in Aunt Carol 's neatly arranged stack of books . He quickly grabbed his documents and stuffed a few clothes from his room into his bag and headed for the stairs . As he locked the front door , he heard the sound of a car engine revving in the compound . His uncle was back . He pushed Kona through the door , sending the skinny teenager lying face down on the floor . The force was not anticipated . He got back on his feet and looked his Uncle in the eye . He could sense fear in the man 's eyes . " Don 't you ever lay your hands on me again I am tired of this , it has to stop now Uncle . " He had not addressed him as ' Uncle ' in eight years . His courage earned him three slaps and a dozen kicks . " Get up ! You want to be a man ? " He said , talking between breaths . " You want to run away ? Don 't you ? You are ill Kona , you cannot survive out there without us you stupid boy … " Kona looked around for an object big enough to knock down his Uncle . He noticed the glass vase twelve inches away . His body ached all over from the kicks . He struggled to get on his feet , then took few steps back feigning tears as he apologised for his actions . This was Kona 's cue . He lifted the glass vase with all the strength he had and threw it at his Uncle . The hefty man fell on the floor with a thunderous sound , as pieces from the broken glass dissipated all over the wooden floor . Kona looked at his Uncle in shock . He was not sure whether he was dead or not . He did not want to know . He pulled his Uncle into one of the rooms downstairs and swept the mess on the floor as quickly as he could , that was when he noticed his Uncle 's phone . He picked it up and discovered his Uncle had not successfully called his wife . He took the phone with him , picked his bag and left . He was already at the bus station now . It was packed with so many people ; from travellers to traders . He began searching for Angela . She should have bought their tickets by now . " He was the only loose end of this plan . " He thought . He called her , her phone was off . He dialled the phone number more carefully this time , and he received the same message . Beads of sweat lined Kona 's forehead as he struggled to remain calm . He broke into a half run , as he walked and ran at the same time , searching more frantically for Angela . She was not in the bus station . She had not come to the bus station . He had no ticket . No money . He sat on the floor in frustration and cried . He cried because he had nothing to live for . He began to second guess himself and for the first time ever , he believed what his Uncle had said . He couldn 't survive without them . He was ill . 1Nov2012 The silent treatment Posted in short story by doteroms I saw this competition about two months ago . I have to admit , procrastination got the better part of me . Thank goodness , I have finally completed this story . Incase you are wondering what competition this is , it is a TNC competition which involves completing the story in time shifts of two . I gave it a shot and I think you should too ( Deadline : Nov 5 ) . Have fun reading mine and do well to comment and like . Aigbe smiled callously as he watched Esosa tumble backwards onto the floor . He thought to himself that she quite looked like a fish out of water - flailing about , reaching for support that would not be forthcoming . His smile very quickly evolved into a cruel laugh as he watched the back of her head crash onto the cold , tiled floor with a sickening , wet sound . Leaping astride her semi - conscious body , he rained three solid blows onto her torso , working his way from her lower ribcage to her sternum . She yelped , shook and choked with each blow , unable to fight back . Each word was punctuated by a slap that sent waves of pain coursing through Esosa 's head . She could barely speak or shout or scream in protest , much less move . She felt herself start to slip into a numb blackness but she tried to hold on . Aigbe wrapped his hands around her neck and muttered . Esosa smiled to herself as she poured the brown powder into the bottle of Merlot . She re - corked it and shook it violently until the powder began to dissolve . She knew Aigbe was already on his way home from the supermarket . She came home from the office every afternoon to make lunch since her office was only a few minutes from the house . She dished out some jollof rice into his plate and left it in the oven . A perfect meal with his favourite drink , " a farewell dinner " she thought . She started for the door , just then the door knob turned , Aigbe had returned . He knew she was lying . He always knew when she was lying . It was the way her eyes avoided his , her body language . Her countenance today was even stranger than the day she started the affair . Esosa was like an open book just waiting to be read . He smiled and watched her manoeuvre the car out of the drive way . What was she scheming now ? Aigbe thought to himself . Esosa sat in Tunde 's car , he was on the phone . It was raining ; each drop of rain drummed heavily on the wind screen , drowning out Tunde 's conversation . Esosa sat quietly admiring her lover . The more she looked at him the more she rationalised her affair . Tunde was such a perfect gentleman - a debonair . She had tried her best to avoid having any conversation with Aigbe , so she resumed the ' silent treatment ' at the slightest misunderstanding . For two months though , she noticed Aigbe was really trying to save their marriage , but she didn 't want to have anything to do with him . Tunde had already stolen her heart and there was nothing he could do about that . " What do you suggest I do ? I am tired of lying to myself . I just want to be with you without having to check my back if anyone was watching . I want the world to know we are a couple . But there is Aigbe on the other hand . I just wish he could disappear from my life . " tears welled up in her eyes . " There is this pharmacist who lives down my street who sells a certain drug that can make Aigbe disappear forever . " he paused then place his hand on her left shoulder and massaged slowly , he always knew where the stain was , she thought . " With your permission I could purchase it . " he continued , grinning widely . Aigbe searched his wife 's eyes intensely . She was glowing . He hadn 't seen her so radiant in over a year . Esosa was always moody and unexciting , a complete contrast with the woman he had fallen in love with . He was not a believer in marriage till he met Esosa . She was the perfect girl and he knew he couldn 't let her go . If only he was told that marriage changes people , he would never have proposed to her . Tonight however , she looked so happy just like old times . Aigbe watched his wife as she walked to the bedroom , she had just returned from work . They hadn 't spoken in several weeks so it would be totally out of place to ask her any question . " To hell with it " he muttered to himself . He gulped down his third glass of merlot and followed her to the bedroom . She didn 't respond . She sobbed softly in the bathroom and waited for him to leave the room before coming out of the bathroom . Aigbe had changed . She knew she had made a mistake and that Mama was right . Aigbe was unemployed and was not searching for a job , his so - called company was just a scam . She lay on the bed still fully clothed . She brought her left arm to her nostrils and inhaled all of his cologne left on her Hawes and Curtis shirt ; it was a strong and reassuring smell . She was a good person , and she never wanted this , but she was in love with Tunde . This affair had only been on for about a month but she felt guilty . Keeping the affair secret was easy because she didn 't have to talk to Aigbe . She had started the ' silent treatment ' with him and he was responding well to it . He had stopped speaking to her completely , and didn 't even respond to her greetings , only occasionally when she came home to make lunch did they speak , aside from that he was practically mute . Today however was different . Why had he come to the room to start a conversation ? Did this mean the ' silent treatment ' was over ? Esosa gawked at her engagement ring for hours . She never took it off , not even to take her bath . It had only been two weeks since Aigbe proposed to her , and she couldn 't wait to be married . Aigbe was everything she ever wanted - at least most of it ; he was tall , handsome and he had a charisma . He was her childhood crush and she didn 't mind waiting for so long before she finally got the chance to be his girl friend . " She was the lucky one " , she thought to herself . " Esosa I am very happy about this news . But are you sure Aigbe is the one ? You have waited so patiently my daughter , I don 't … " " Mama he does . I have told you before that Aigbe has his own company , he is doing quite well on his own . Mama please all I need is your support , I don 't ' want to start doubting Aigbe at this stage of our relationship . " Aigbe choked the life out of Esosa . He had grown mad with fury . He checked the house as soon as she drove out and found nothing out of place . Her suspicious behaviour made him paranoid . He decided against eating his meal . When he picked up his bottle of Merlot he noticed the bottle was warmer than usual . |
I 've been pretty busy the past few days getting this place together , I 'm almost there . Mostly it 's about trying to civilize this place , putting in various amenities . Kind of funny to go back to nature in the woods and then try to civilize it , but I guess that 's what we humans do . Just can 't leave well enough alone ! My throneless A - frame emergency crapperThe first job was a roof over my " outhouse " . That was easy , a matter of removing nails from several old sheets of plywood lying around ( part of the old greenhouse that used to be along the south side of the house ) and then propping two of them up in an A - frame shape with a third sheet propped against them to form a back wall . Mike helped me get the A - frame up and made suggestions for modifications that would make the whole structure a little more stable . So far so good ! I also want to make a " throne " for this outhouse but that 's not such a high priority . It 's rained a few times since I put up the A - frame and it does the job , I stay dry . It 's not pretty but it works . A new door latchI carved a wooden door latch to replace the spike that was being used in the side door , which is the door I use most of the time . I just got tired of that spike . It doesn 't stay in the door but hangs beside the door , so each time you want to use it you have to pick it up and insert it before lifting the latch with it . My wooden replacement stays in the door , you just have to press down on it to lift the latch . It does not work well after a few days of rain though . I guess everything swells up and changes shape so for some reason the latch does not respond well . The spike still works though , so I guess I will continue to use it on very wet days . But I like the wooden latch better . I whittled the edges of the new door latch to round them , unfortunately I managed to cut may fingers up pretty good while whittling . My eye - hand coordination is bit lacking . I noticed that with building the outhouse A - frame too , in hammering nails I 'd pound three times and hit the nail once . But I think I am improvat On Thursday I went down in the Valley and did a major shopping . Bought birdfeeders and transplants and composted manure and groceries . After several hours of shopping I stopped by Fritz and Carolyn 's to do a laundery ; their daughter Erica was there and we had an interesting conversation about her travel and school plans . She 's been travelling and teaching English over the past few years , now she 's going back to Korea to teach English again . But she wants to go back to school when she gets home again , maybe get a teaching degree or a Master 's . She 's trying to decide . At one point Erica asked me which I thought was better , a teaching degree or a Master 's . What a question ! I said I guess it depended on what she wanted , something practical or something she was really interested in . I said being practical is a good thing , but if it 's boring would she keep at it ? Erica said that since her job in Korea is pretty much a done deal she really doesn 't have anything to worry and obsess about , so she 's worrying and obsessing about what she 'll do when the job is done . Can 't go without something to worry and obsess about ! We laughed . Thursday is Carolyn 's church choir practice night , I tagged along to listen to the choir sing . The church is old , stone on the outside and wood panelling inside , even the ceiling is wood panelled . Beautiful stained glass windows . It 's a Baptist church but the tank they use for baptisms is out of sight . Carolyn 's sister is the choir master , she plays electronic keyboard to accompany the choir . After practice they then formed a drumming circle and I joined them . Heather has a huge collection of African djembe drums , at least twenty of them . We drummed for a half hour . I 'm not a great drummer but under cover of fifteen other drummers I guess I don 't sound too bad . After that we went to Paddy 's Pub for beer . It 's a brew pub , most of the beer they sell they brew onsite . The tanks where the beer is brewed are up on the second floor , you can see them above you when you are sitting in the main part of the pub . at I dug a small garden bed , where an old garden used to be beside the house . Unfortunately , that garden hasn 't been used in over twenty years and in the meantime surrounding trees have grown up to shade it . There is a better location in front of the house , but the sod is so thick there that I would need a rototiller to break it up , and I don 't have one . Also there are piles of garbage there from tearing out the old greenhouse and reroofing the front of the house a couple of years ago . I 've thought of putting stuff in planters but that 's getting expensive . As it is I 've spent a fair bit on transplants . My eyes bigger than my stomach , or something . Digging the garden bed was a real pain . I have come to the conclusion that black flies , when they are not flying , live in the soil . So when you dig it up they swarm all over you in biting clouds . I tried using a net over my head but they got in under the net and bit my neck and face . They like the eyes . The morning after my first day of digging I woke up with one eye swollen shut due to all the black fly bites . These flies aren 't as bad as some I 've known though , the bites itch but not as bad as they could . I dug the garden bed up in narrow strips that I cut into small blocks and turned over . I took frequent breaks to get away from the flies and went down the driveway to carry in some firewood , a couple of pieces at a time . Not that I needed the firewood , but just to get a break from the flies . After fifteen minutes or so they 'd disappear and I 'd get a minute or two of fly - free digging in . Once the bed was all dug up I added four bags of sheep manure to it . It 's a very small garden , roughly 8 ft by 4 ft . The bed is ready to plant now I think . But it gets so little sun that I wonder what use it will be . We shall see . In this photo the garden is almost all dug . In the background is the plywood - covered hole for the permanent outhouse ; when I have nothing better to do I will start working on that . I 'm getting a phone . My cell phone doesn 't work here and it really is a nuisance not to be able to call people or receive calls . The phone guy is coming out tomorrow sometime . I have to call the phone company in the morning to give him directions . When I was talking to them on the neighbour 's phone , I didn 't know how to describe the route here . I can tell them the " street address " but it really means nothing because it 's not on any map and there are no road signs . And the road itself doesn 't look like a real road , more like a very long twisting dirt driveway . There 's no mailbox or namesign or anything to indicate that anyone lives here , you can 't see any of the houses from the " real " road . But I asked Mike and Ruth how they tell people where they are and I will relay their directions to the phone guy tomorrow morning . So if he doesn 't get lost and there are no breaks in the phone line into the house , I could be hooked up by tomorrow night . There hasn 't been a phone in this house for more than twenty years . Mike spent the weekend laying down gravel on the road to fill the winter 's potholes . So the phone guy at least will have a somewhat smoother drive in , if he finds the place . I am also going to enquire about dial - up internet access . If it is not too expensive I might get that as well . Not nearly as convenient as high speed internet , but still . When I lived out here thirty - five years ago , not having a phone didn 't bother me , and internet didn 't exist . How things change ! Sheila and I are starting a new blog , The Baxter 's Harbour Blog . Our first post there is about an upcoming supper and Old Time music concert at the community hall and church . Several years ago the United Church of Canada wanted to shut down the Baxter 's Harbour church , they agreed to give the buildings , a small church and even smaller church hall , to the community . There was some money associated with the church , the United Church gave that to the community as well to do some needed upgrades to the buildings . However it wasn 't enough , the upgrades ended up costing quite a bit . So every year the community does several potluck suppers and occasional concerts to raise money to pay off the debt . They 're almost there , a couple of dinners this summer oughta do it . The church gets used for occasional weddings and funerals , it has a small cemetery next to it as well . Anyway , Sheila wants to post some old photos and other stuff on the blog . Several years ago the community collected old photos from residents to illustrate a cookbook they were going to sell as a fundraiser , there were some really interesting photos in that collection . Sheila would like to post some of them on the blog . We 'd like to invite other Baxter 's Harbour residents to contribute to the blog too . We 'll see how it goes , wish us luck ! at It 's been awhile since I last posted , but finally I am in Nova Scotia . One delay after another , but it 's finally done , I am moved in at The Harbour . I can 't post much in the way of photos because I can 't transfer them from the camera to the computer yet , but soon . I wish I had taken a photo of the truck before I left because it was all nicely washed and waxed , with the kayak mounted on the roof . Oh well , you 'll just have to imagine it . But don 't look too closely , the truck is packed to the gunnels ( oh darn , is that one ' l ' or two ? Spellcheck doesn 't even recognize it as a word ! ) , with only a little space for me to sit in front of the steering wheel . . . Getting out of TOMy original intention was to leave Toronto and arrive here on May 8 . But due to a bit of a health scare requiring various tests , I postponed my departure date to the following week . Then I got a cold . Then the cold turned into a sinus infection . Then there was the long Victoria Day weekend and not wanting to be on the road on the first long weekend of the season . I was then going to leave the Tuesday immediately following , the 19th , but The Dog Ladies wanted to get together one last time and one of them was out of town that long weekend so the earliest we could get together was , guess what , Tuesday the 19th . So I postponed leaving until the next day . We met for potluck dinner at Catherine 's , it was a nice evening so we sat in her backyard under the grape arbour and dined on barbecued chicken kebabs , potato salad , green salad , some lovely artisan bread , and a mix of Portuguese pastries including the classic custard tarts . Oh and wine and beer of course . I was a little more restrained this time than last time , since I planned to start a long drive the next day . I spent most of Tuesday packing and cleaning up , but did not manage to finish before dinner time , so I ended up spending all Wednesday morning and early afternoon packing . Finally I was ready to go , at 2 . 00pm on the 20th , but there 's something about leaving in the middle of the afternoon that is juat Unfortunately , the three hour delay in leaving Toronto meant arriving in Montreal for the start of the afternoon rush hour . Oh joy . It was very very bad . Hot hot hot , and there was some backup or delay on the approach to the Champlain Bridge , the one I had to cross . For well over an hour I crept along with everyone else at approximately one km an hour in 28C ? 30C ? heat ( my truck is not air conditioned ) on the approach to the bridge . I know there are other routes through Montreal , but I had no idea which one was most likely to be any better and thought , better the devil I know . . . So around 5 . 30pm I finally emerged from Montreal , it took me two hours to get through ! I had hoped to make it to the New Brunswick border that night but now the chances were looking dismal . At least a 5 hour drive from Montreal to NB , not counting dinner and bathroom breaks . The air was bad . I think every damn field from Montreal to Riviere du Loup was being ploughed , and the earth was dry and dusty . The sky was yellow in every direction , with occasional plumes of brown dust rising from this field or that one . By evening I was north of Quebec City , so I decided I would just keep going . At 10 . 30pm I turned south at Riviere du Loup for the final leg to New Brunswick . At that point I really should not have been on the road , I was quite tired and my reaction time was noticeably slowed . I figured that there wouldn 't be too much traffic on the road and with the stereo cranked up I would stay awake until my destination . So that 's what I did and I pulled off an hour later just north of the border . I had packed the truck so full that it took me another half hour just to clear out some space in the back of the truck to sleep . It was still pretty hot so I couldn 't sleep in my sleeping bag because it was too warm , so I spread a bedsheet on top of the sleeping bag and slept under that for half the night , then after a few hours woke up cold and crawled into the bag to sleep for another couple of hours . The rest of the trip was uneventful , I arrived at Fritzat Fritz and Carolyn of course were not home , but I know where their spare key is and let myself in . I called Carolyn at work to let her know I was there , then had a shower and made a cup of tea while I waited for her to come home . My reason for wanting to get to Wolfville by Friday afternoon was that Carolyn had said she was planning to go to the South Shore for the weekend , so I wanted to arrive before she left . As it turned out , she opted to stay in town for the weekend . We went out for dinner at The Ivy Deck and by the time we got back to her house Fritz was home too . We chatted for an hour or so and then all toddled off to bed . On Saturday morning we again sat around for a couple of hours over breakfast chatting , then Carolyn and I headed off to the Saturday Market . Having packed up over several days , I had long since forgotten what I had in the way of food so I did not know what grocery shopping I needed to do . I decided I 'd wait until I 'd unpacked to make a grocery list . So the Market was more for the pleasure of it than any real shopping . In the afternoon I headed up to The Harbour . Ruth and Mike were home and after first taking a look at the house I would be staying in , I checked in with them . Ruth came back to my truck to help offload the kayak , we left it lying on a couple of logs by the side of the driveway . Borrowing their wheelbarrow I began unpacking the truck . The driveway into Fritz and Carolyn 's house in the woods is very muddy at this time of year , and last fall Mike got his tractor stuck in the driveway , so there are big gouges in the ground where he got stuck . Maneuvering the wheelbarrow around the mud and tractor gouges was tricky , I did not escape sinking up to my ankles in mud but did manage to avoid spilling any of my belongings into the mud . I was amazed at how much stuff I had , seeing it all spread out inside the house was impressive . Imagine , I somehow got all that stuff into my truck ! There 's tools and books and food and pots and pans and clothes and yarn and a computer and a boombox and a at The house is in good shape . Fritz and Mike intended to do some roofing over the winter but were not able to manage it . So the front half is nicely done , the back half is a mess . But nothing leaks , yet . Scaffolding is up and one of the upstairs bedrooms is now converted to a work area , and a ladder leans up against the porch roof . Since both men have jobs that give them time off in the winter but keep them very busy the rest of the year , neither thinks he will be able to get back to the roof before the fall . Carolyn and I could work on it , but we really need Mike to be there to at least direct . And Mike does not foresee any time off over the summer . As well there is the small problem of no outhouse . The old outhouse is more than full . My emergency hole in the ground from last summer is still there and I can still use it , but it 's not exactly pleasant . Mike did dig a hole for a new outhouse last fall , and the materials are apparently around for building it , but Fritz and Carolyn have specific plans for how they want it done and I am not clear on that . Again , Mike is not available anytime soon . What I am hoping will happen is that I can get him to spend an hour one evening with me showing me how it is to be done . I have a feeling my first building project is going to be an outhouse . Last summer I was here building the kayak , and that pretty much occupied my attention . When I needed a new outhouse I just dug a hole in the ground and put a couple of boards over it to create a trench . That works OK but it does leave one exposed to the mosquitoes and rain . This summer I am not building a kayak so I feel like I can spend more time on other tasks , such as the outhouse situation . I am thinking that rather than simply make do with the hole , I will put a temporary A - frame roof over it and install a bit of a pedestal for a toilet seat . Then I will tackle the more permanent outhouse . I would also like to put in a garden . Many years ago Carolyn did have a garden here , but the trees surrounding the house have grown considerably talat A few weeks ago a " squatter " moved into the house . She really should have checked in with Fritz and Carolyn but she didn 't . I think Mike and Ruth must have made it clear that I was coming imminently so she did move out a few days before I arrived . She decorated the place quite nicely and left a nice note for me . There was a vase of forsythia on the dining table when I arrived . She left her guitar here and I understand that she has no plans to pick it up in the near future . Apparently she is headed to New York City to record a CD and plans to buy a guitar there . There 's also a bow and arrows hanging from one of the ceiling beams , I don 't know if she plans to pick that up or not . Last night , after unpacking everything , doing some grocery shopping and making my first dinner in the house , I went over to Mike and Ruth 's to get drinking water ( I don 't trust the well here ) and Ruth asked me to bring my banjo over . So I did that , she looked it over and tuned it , and then showed me the rudiments of clawhammer style ( frailing ) . So I have some homework now , learn to frail . That 's one of my projects for the summer here , learn to play my banjo . I 've been playing at it off and on for years , but it 's been more off than on in the last few . This morning I biked out to Sheila 's house on the road and we had a happy reunion . The dogs barked , Sheila and I hugged , then Sheila called Nancy across the road and we all went for a long walk in the woods with the dogs , Sheila 's two Max and Moose and Nancy 's Chezzah . I sure wish I had Dobby here now . While Nancy Sheila and I were gabbing , Chezzah took Max and Moose off on a long romp in the woods . We don 't know where they went , and they did not return when called , so finally we returned to Sheila 's house only to find Max and Moose waiting there . Chezzah was already back at Nancy 's house patiently waiting on the porch there . This afternoon I cleaned up my emergency " outhouse " and made some changes to the door latch on the house . It 's a homemade affair that doesn 't work entirely as it should , I frequently find the door wide open after thinking I had closed it hours before . I 'm not sure I 've fixed the problem , I suspect this will be an ongoing project . But it is nice to know that I can " waste " my time on such things , I no longer have to think in terms of it being time away from building the kayak . Both Ruth and Nancy are promising frequent kayak trips this summer , now that I have a completed kayak to use . So , over the next few weeks I will be practicing on the banjo , building an outhouse , and putting in a garden . Mike has suggested putting a simple pump on the well ( at the moment is a matter of dipping pails into it and then lugging them up to the house ) , and there is already a black plastic pipe buried in the ground between the well and the house . So I think that could be an interesting project as well , completing the pipe and hooking up a pump on the house end . Even if I don 't manage to run it right into the house , being able to pump water outside the door will be a huge improvement . If I get a decent cover on the well and drain it , shock it and refill it , I might even have real drinking water there as well . Carolyn ordered a cord of firewood last fall and it never got used , so I have plenty of firewood which is nice . Mike hauled half of it in a wagon right up to the house ( that 's how the tractor got stuck ) and the other half is still out at the end of the driveway . I brought my breadmaker this time so I will be able to bake my own bread even though there is no oven here . There 's a baker who sells really nice bread at the Market so I will probably buy a loaf or two as well , but I really like baking my own . Sheila now has highspeed internet and a wireless router , so I will be able to mooch off her occasionally . And of course our morning dogwalks will continue . After this morning 's dogwalk Sheila filled me in on some Harbour gossip . I told her a couple of things in confidence and she explained to me that she and Nancy had a rule about the dogwalks : what gets said in the woods stays in the woods . Good rule . Oh one last thing , when I told Mike and Ruth about my harrowing trip through Montreal , Ruth , who is originally from Montreal , told me of an alternate route that neatly bypasses the city ! So I am going to take my map over to her place some time this summer and get her to mark it on the map for me . In all the years I have been travelling between Ontario and Nova Scotia ( at least thirty - five now ) , the only alternative I knew about was going through the States , and these days crossing the border is hardly more easy than Montreal during rush hour . So I eagerly await Ruth 's revelation of an alternative Canadian route ! The pictures today are completely unrelated to the text , they 're from a recent shopping trip on Roncie ( Roncesvalles ) . Best laid plans , etcAll the test results are in and the coast is clear . With a couple of minor exceptions , nothing there to impede the way . The twinge of pain down there is most likely arthritis , so I 'm going to ignore it . Doc asked if I wanted an X - ray , I said No , his diagnosis made sense to me . He said take a couple of Tylenol every day for a few days and if the pain goes away then that pretty much confirms that it 's arthritis . Of course in the meantime I came down with a sore throat and fever , so leaving today - - - which had been the plan if all went well at the doc 's office yesterday - - - is now out of the question . I 'm over the worst of whatever this is , fever is gone , throat is better , but I 'm sufficiently lethargic to not want to be driving all day . With the long Victoria Day weekend coming up , I don 't want to be on the road with all the other holiday travellers , so that means my departure date is now postponed until sometime next week . I have mixed feelings about it all . Toronto is leafed out and green now , the weather is neither hot nor cold , so it really is a nice time of year to be here . But I had set my heart on being in the Harbour by mid - May and that is now not going to happen . So , my plans are now to : ( a ) get better , ( b ) try to get my kayak into Lake Ontario this weekend , ( c ) see the latest Star Trek movie , ( d ) see the last Lost episode for the season , and ( e ) try to get together with The Dog Ladies one last time . Dog daysWhile I was going through my week of medical tests , we very nearly lost our dogpark . Apparently a complaint was lodged ( this now turns out not to be true ) and one of the Catholic School Board maintenance folks told us that we would have to get a permit to take our dogs onto school property , and the permit was going to cost BIG BUCKS . It was a rather stunning turn of events . With all the stress of the medical tests I was in no mood for it and it instantly depressed me . I thought : ( a ) at The Brockton Triangle Yard Sale was today , unfortunately we had several thunderstorms pass through , complete with heavy downpour and lightning . Some of us were undeterred though , we put our stuff out for sale , and then either ran it all back onto the porch when the downpour started or simply covered everything in tarps . The storms came in waves , so we had to do this several times over , but we were determined ! I managed to sell a few things , and then spent my earnings on two bead necklaces from Mary Anne across the street , a cookie from Tristan , and a chana , potato and cheese roti from Queen Street . A lady wanted to buy binoculars from me and tried to bargain with me , but I was of two minds about whether I wanted to sell them at all , so I told her that I wasn 't going to lower the price because I would be happy to keep them . She finally bought them at my price . I was half wishing that she would walk away without them , kind of disappointed to see them go . Dobby had to stay in the house for the whole time that the yard sale was going on . He kept sneaking out every time the front door opened . Gretel was trying to sell an old dog crate , and one time I caught Dobby sneaking out the door and I stuffed him into the crate . He didn 't like that . I had an electric drill that a fellow wanted to buy , I didn 't care what I got for it I just wanted to get rid of it so I told him to make me an offer . He said he hated dickering , he just wanted to pay my price , but he didn 't have change and neither did I so he went off to get change and didn 't come back . After the yard sale was over we had arranged for a charity to come pick up our leftovers and I gave them the drill . But five minutes later the fellow did show up and I had to tell him it was gone . He shrugged his shoulders and we both laughed . He said he probably didn 't want it after all . At a slow moment in the yard sale , Brighid and her Dad got out their fiddles and played a couple of tunes . Brighid 's fiddle is tiny ! I 've never seen such a tiny fiddle . The sign over their heads is Gretelat One day this past week I went out and bought some petunias , marigolds and lobelia to plant in the tires in front of our house . I am tired of looking at the dirt . These flowers are not very big , but they 're a start . Here 's Dobby admiring my work . I 've been slowly packing and putting things into the truck . On Friday , Ross was out on his porch with his " lady friend " the homecare worker who keeps him company on weekdays . I waved to him and he waved back and asked me if I wanted a beer . In the summertime , he sits on his porch every afternoon having a beer , and he frequently asks me if I want one too . I usually say No because I am busy doing something or other . But this time I said Yes . No doubt I surprised the hell out of him . Coincidentally Gretel was just returning from a visit to the doctor 's , she had hand tremors that the doctor said were caused by stress and the best thing for it was alcohol . So when Ross invited her for a beer as well , she took him up on it . Gretel and I went over to Ross 's porch for a beer . Ross introduced his homecare lady , Joyce , and asked her if she 'd have a beer too . But she said , Not while she was on the job . Ross has told me about his lovelife during the War . He was stationed in Halifax and a family there took him in and treated him like their own son , who was overseas in the War . Ross had a thing going with their daughter . But he was also engaged to be married to a lady in Toronto , so he was torn . In the end he chose the lady in Toronto and they did get married and have a good life together , but he always remembers the lady in Halifax with a touch of regret . So this day I was kidding him about his luck with the ladies . Turns out he has two homecare ladies , Joyce and another woman who comes twice a week to give him a bath . He ain 't complainin ' ! I asked Ross if he made it overseas during the War . He said that he was posted on a frigate heading to Britain , but it was struck by a torpedo and went down . Fortunately he survived and was rescued , but it so affected his nerves that he was posted to a at I kind of got caught up in and preoccupied by other things so I did not write about my second visit of the year to Barrie and Bobcageon on the last weekend of April . I wanted to see Bill and Ruthe again before I left for the summer in Nova Scotia . I 'm afraid I did not take any photos this time of Bill and Ruthe , in fact the only thing I photographed were these easter eggs . My sister - in - law 's sister - in - law is Ukrainian , and she gives Tim and Laurene handpainted easter eggs . They had four of them on their dining table and I thought they were exquisite , so I had to photograph them . Beautiful , eh ? What a talented woman ! Usually Tim calls Corrine , Bill 's wife , when we are going to visit Bobcageon and she usually meets us for lunch and goes with us to Bill 's nursing home . But she was out of town this time so Tim and I surprised Ruthe and Bill . When we arrived at Ruthe 's , she was busy getting ready to go out for lunch with a friend . She seemed much more energetic this time than the last time we saw her . We had a nice visit with her but after 25 minutes or so it was clear that she was tiring and we didn 't want to exhaust her before she went out for lunch with her friend so we said our goodbyes and left . We dropped by Bill 's place briefly to let him know we were there and would come back in the afternoon for a longer visit . Then we went for lunch at a local restaurant called the For The Halibut , and had fish and chips . I think we had cod . We went for a bit of a walk around town afterward , I saw a bufflehead on the river there . Bill was waiting for us by the front door when we got back to his nursing home . I think we spent almost two hours with him until we had tired him out too . We chatted about a lot of things , about Josh 's new job flying in northern Ontario this summer , the state of Tim 's car that used to be Bill 's and so he still has a proprietary interest in its survival . We talked about Bill 's oldest brother Jesse and how smart he was . Jesse was hired by IBM to repair and maintain their computers back in the very early dayat So . Two down , one to go . First one was a blood test , not sure what for except maybe possible anemia , but I am pretty sure that is not a problem for me . I arrived at the lab minutes before closing time and the last tech was just closing up shop , she was not thrilled to see me . I wasn 't thrilled to see her either , last time she took my blood she dug around in both arms looking for a suitable vein and ended up leaving big bruises that took a long time to heal . However , beggars can 't be choosers , I was grateful that she did the bloodletting at all , and this time quickly without bruising . Second one was a colonoscopy , that was yesterday . Whew . For those of you who have had the pleasure , I 'm sure I need say no more . And for those of you who have not , you don 't want to know . Suffice to say , the doctor performing the procedure had zero bedside manner , but if performing colonoscopies was my day job I 'm sure I 'd have no bedside manner either . Once again my lousy veins were a problem . Sedation was an option , I chose to take it , but the good doctor tried four times to find a vein to insert the sedation needle into . Each time hurt , each time he cursed , and by the fourth time I was ready to pass out and he was ready to quit . Things went downhill from there . I think that if slapping around recalcitrant patients were allowed , he would have . As it was he just slapped the recalcitrant veins and made unpleasant comments . He asked if I would forego the sedation , how low was my pain threshold anyway . I said , At this point , pretty damn low . So he ploughed on . Literally . The good news is it 's done , they gave me cookies and water in the recovery room and escorted me to the bathroom to expel accumulated gas , and after 30 minutes or so I could walk without staggering and went home . The last test is scheduled for Thursday , an ultrasound . Going without food for most of the day and waiting in the lab with an overfull bladder sounds like a piece of cake compared to the last few days ! I was supposed to see the referring doctor mentioned in a previous post at I saw one of the documentaries that is in this year 's Hot Docs Festival in Toronto , it was called Burma VJ ( VJ = video journalist ) . This was narrated by a Burmese man , a journalist in hiding . During the uprising in September 2007 he was responsible for a network of Burmese video journalists who took live footage of events and smuggled it out to the international media . The narrator survived because he had had to flee to Thailand before the uprising , but many of his colleagues were hunted down and killed for their work . He lost all his friends and colleagues ; the few that survived are now in hiding and he can 't reach them . It 's a harrowing film , at once frightening and moving . The Burmese who participated in that uprising were extremely brave . For a few days the people were excited and hopeful that things might change , but it ended badly . The scenes of the uprising were amazing , tens of thousands of Burmese marching in the streets , sitting down and praying in front of armed soldiers at the command of the monks . The monks were amazing too . This is a very devout country , where monks are highly respected . They generally avoid getting involved politically , but this time they did , for the people who were suffering . They marched in the hundreds with their begging bowls turned upside down above their heads . This meant that they were refusing alms , particularly from the government . For the monks to show this kind of disapproval is a Very Big Deal . For soldiers to shoot at monks , and then later round them up , take them away and torture and kill them , was also a Very Big Deal . Those soldiers have very bad karma to deal with now . The narrator hoped that the soldiers would come over to the people , but he felt sorry for them when they didn 't . He said they knew better than anyone else how cruel the Generals are and he understood their fear to refuse orders . There was one scene where one of the VJs was running with some students to escape the soldiers . They ran into a dead - end with no way out and the soldiers right on their heels , andat Keep meaning to write something here but somehow don 't get around to it . Been a busy a week . I am planning to drive to Nova Scotia on May 8 . Well , leave here on May 8 , spend a couple of days visiting a friend in Ottawa and then another couple of days on the road through Quebec and New Brunswick to arrive in Wolfville on the 12th . That was the plan . Now up in the air . I had a warning symptom that things might not be as well as they might and I debated whether to do anything about it now or wait until I got down east to pursue the matter . Called my doctor 's office and the earliest I could get an appointment was at the end of May , over a month away ( at the time of the call ) . This is highly frustrating , it 's the second time I 've tried to get an appointment and the receptionist has told me that there was no way at all to see her in less than a month . I could however drag myself down to the clinic for the two - hour walk - in period and hope that I was one of the lucky five people who got to see a doctor there . I asked if they could tell me of any alternative , such as another walk - in clinic , the answer was No . Unless I wanted to spend a minimum of six hours at Emerge , and since my problem is not an emergency I could count on being triaged to the bottom of the waitlist there . At the dogpark and my weaving and wood carving classes I started asking folks what doctor they saw and whether that doctor was taking new patients . Got lots of suggestions and everyone seemed confident that their doctor was taking new patients , but when I followed up , none were . I went on the internet and did countless searches for walk - in clinics and doctors taking new patients within a reasonable distance . Nothing . I am sure there are walk - in clinics , but a Google search just doesn 't reveal them . There doesn 't seem to be one place you can go to for a list of walk - in clinics . I can 't tell you how frustrating this is . The only good news is that my Ontario health insurance card ( OHIP card ) does entitle me to seek medical care in another province for up to 12at |
I 've been pretty busy the past few days getting this place together , I 'm almost there . Mostly it 's about trying to civilize this place , putting in various amenities . Kind of funny to go back to nature in the woods and then try to civilize it , but I guess that 's what we humans do . Just can 't leave well enough alone ! My throneless A - frame emergency crapperThe first job was a roof over my " outhouse " . That was easy , a matter of removing nails from several old sheets of plywood lying around ( part of the old greenhouse that used to be along the south side of the house ) and then propping two of them up in an A - frame shape with a third sheet propped against them to form a back wall . Mike helped me get the A - frame up and made suggestions for modifications that would make the whole structure a little more stable . So far so good ! I also want to make a " throne " for this outhouse but that 's not such a high priority . It 's rained a few times since I put up the A - frame and it does the job , I stay dry . It 's not pretty but it works . A new door latchI carved a wooden door latch to replace the spike that was being used in the side door , which is the door I use most of the time . I just got tired of that spike . It doesn 't stay in the door but hangs beside the door , so each time you want to use it you have to pick it up and insert it before lifting the latch with it . My wooden replacement stays in the door , you just have to press down on it to lift the latch . It does not work well after a few days of rain though . I guess everything swells up and changes shape so for some reason the latch does not respond well . The spike still works though , so I guess I will continue to use it on very wet days . But I like the wooden latch better . I whittled the edges of the new door latch to round them , unfortunately I managed to cut may fingers up pretty good while whittling . My eye - hand coordination is bit lacking . I noticed that with building the outhouse A - frame too , in hammering nails I 'd pound three times and hit the nail once . But I think I am improvat On Thursday I went down in the Valley and did a major shopping . Bought birdfeeders and transplants and composted manure and groceries . After several hours of shopping I stopped by Fritz and Carolyn 's to do a laundery ; their daughter Erica was there and we had an interesting conversation about her travel and school plans . She 's been travelling and teaching English over the past few years , now she 's going back to Korea to teach English again . But she wants to go back to school when she gets home again , maybe get a teaching degree or a Master 's . She 's trying to decide . At one point Erica asked me which I thought was better , a teaching degree or a Master 's . What a question ! I said I guess it depended on what she wanted , something practical or something she was really interested in . I said being practical is a good thing , but if it 's boring would she keep at it ? Erica said that since her job in Korea is pretty much a done deal she really doesn 't have anything to worry and obsess about , so she 's worrying and obsessing about what she 'll do when the job is done . Can 't go without something to worry and obsess about ! We laughed . Thursday is Carolyn 's church choir practice night , I tagged along to listen to the choir sing . The church is old , stone on the outside and wood panelling inside , even the ceiling is wood panelled . Beautiful stained glass windows . It 's a Baptist church but the tank they use for baptisms is out of sight . Carolyn 's sister is the choir master , she plays electronic keyboard to accompany the choir . After practice they then formed a drumming circle and I joined them . Heather has a huge collection of African djembe drums , at least twenty of them . We drummed for a half hour . I 'm not a great drummer but under cover of fifteen other drummers I guess I don 't sound too bad . After that we went to Paddy 's Pub for beer . It 's a brew pub , most of the beer they sell they brew onsite . The tanks where the beer is brewed are up on the second floor , you can see them above you when you are sitting in the main part of the pub . at I dug a small garden bed , where an old garden used to be beside the house . Unfortunately , that garden hasn 't been used in over twenty years and in the meantime surrounding trees have grown up to shade it . There is a better location in front of the house , but the sod is so thick there that I would need a rototiller to break it up , and I don 't have one . Also there are piles of garbage there from tearing out the old greenhouse and reroofing the front of the house a couple of years ago . I 've thought of putting stuff in planters but that 's getting expensive . As it is I 've spent a fair bit on transplants . My eyes bigger than my stomach , or something . Digging the garden bed was a real pain . I have come to the conclusion that black flies , when they are not flying , live in the soil . So when you dig it up they swarm all over you in biting clouds . I tried using a net over my head but they got in under the net and bit my neck and face . They like the eyes . The morning after my first day of digging I woke up with one eye swollen shut due to all the black fly bites . These flies aren 't as bad as some I 've known though , the bites itch but not as bad as they could . I dug the garden bed up in narrow strips that I cut into small blocks and turned over . I took frequent breaks to get away from the flies and went down the driveway to carry in some firewood , a couple of pieces at a time . Not that I needed the firewood , but just to get a break from the flies . After fifteen minutes or so they 'd disappear and I 'd get a minute or two of fly - free digging in . Once the bed was all dug up I added four bags of sheep manure to it . It 's a very small garden , roughly 8 ft by 4 ft . The bed is ready to plant now I think . But it gets so little sun that I wonder what use it will be . We shall see . In this photo the garden is almost all dug . In the background is the plywood - covered hole for the permanent outhouse ; when I have nothing better to do I will start working on that . I 'm getting a phone . My cell phone doesn 't work here and it really is a nuisance not to be able to call people or receive calls . The phone guy is coming out tomorrow sometime . I have to call the phone company in the morning to give him directions . When I was talking to them on the neighbour 's phone , I didn 't know how to describe the route here . I can tell them the " street address " but it really means nothing because it 's not on any map and there are no road signs . And the road itself doesn 't look like a real road , more like a very long twisting dirt driveway . There 's no mailbox or namesign or anything to indicate that anyone lives here , you can 't see any of the houses from the " real " road . But I asked Mike and Ruth how they tell people where they are and I will relay their directions to the phone guy tomorrow morning . So if he doesn 't get lost and there are no breaks in the phone line into the house , I could be hooked up by tomorrow night . There hasn 't been a phone in this house for more than twenty years . Mike spent the weekend laying down gravel on the road to fill the winter 's potholes . So the phone guy at least will have a somewhat smoother drive in , if he finds the place . I am also going to enquire about dial - up internet access . If it is not too expensive I might get that as well . Not nearly as convenient as high speed internet , but still . When I lived out here thirty - five years ago , not having a phone didn 't bother me , and internet didn 't exist . How things change ! Sheila and I are starting a new blog , The Baxter 's Harbour Blog . Our first post there is about an upcoming supper and Old Time music concert at the community hall and church . Several years ago the United Church of Canada wanted to shut down the Baxter 's Harbour church , they agreed to give the buildings , a small church and even smaller church hall , to the community . There was some money associated with the church , the United Church gave that to the community as well to do some needed upgrades to the buildings . However it wasn 't enough , the upgrades ended up costing quite a bit . So every year the community does several potluck suppers and occasional concerts to raise money to pay off the debt . They 're almost there , a couple of dinners this summer oughta do it . The church gets used for occasional weddings and funerals , it has a small cemetery next to it as well . Anyway , Sheila wants to post some old photos and other stuff on the blog . Several years ago the community collected old photos from residents to illustrate a cookbook they were going to sell as a fundraiser , there were some really interesting photos in that collection . Sheila would like to post some of them on the blog . We 'd like to invite other Baxter 's Harbour residents to contribute to the blog too . We 'll see how it goes , wish us luck ! at It 's been awhile since I last posted , but finally I am in Nova Scotia . One delay after another , but it 's finally done , I am moved in at The Harbour . I can 't post much in the way of photos because I can 't transfer them from the camera to the computer yet , but soon . I wish I had taken a photo of the truck before I left because it was all nicely washed and waxed , with the kayak mounted on the roof . Oh well , you 'll just have to imagine it . But don 't look too closely , the truck is packed to the gunnels ( oh darn , is that one ' l ' or two ? Spellcheck doesn 't even recognize it as a word ! ) , with only a little space for me to sit in front of the steering wheel . . . Getting out of TOMy original intention was to leave Toronto and arrive here on May 8 . But due to a bit of a health scare requiring various tests , I postponed my departure date to the following week . Then I got a cold . Then the cold turned into a sinus infection . Then there was the long Victoria Day weekend and not wanting to be on the road on the first long weekend of the season . I was then going to leave the Tuesday immediately following , the 19th , but The Dog Ladies wanted to get together one last time and one of them was out of town that long weekend so the earliest we could get together was , guess what , Tuesday the 19th . So I postponed leaving until the next day . We met for potluck dinner at Catherine 's , it was a nice evening so we sat in her backyard under the grape arbour and dined on barbecued chicken kebabs , potato salad , green salad , some lovely artisan bread , and a mix of Portuguese pastries including the classic custard tarts . Oh and wine and beer of course . I was a little more restrained this time than last time , since I planned to start a long drive the next day . I spent most of Tuesday packing and cleaning up , but did not manage to finish before dinner time , so I ended up spending all Wednesday morning and early afternoon packing . Finally I was ready to go , at 2 . 00pm on the 20th , but there 's something about leaving in the middle of the afternoon that is juat Unfortunately , the three hour delay in leaving Toronto meant arriving in Montreal for the start of the afternoon rush hour . Oh joy . It was very very bad . Hot hot hot , and there was some backup or delay on the approach to the Champlain Bridge , the one I had to cross . For well over an hour I crept along with everyone else at approximately one km an hour in 28C ? 30C ? heat ( my truck is not air conditioned ) on the approach to the bridge . I know there are other routes through Montreal , but I had no idea which one was most likely to be any better and thought , better the devil I know . . . So around 5 . 30pm I finally emerged from Montreal , it took me two hours to get through ! I had hoped to make it to the New Brunswick border that night but now the chances were looking dismal . At least a 5 hour drive from Montreal to NB , not counting dinner and bathroom breaks . The air was bad . I think every damn field from Montreal to Riviere du Loup was being ploughed , and the earth was dry and dusty . The sky was yellow in every direction , with occasional plumes of brown dust rising from this field or that one . By evening I was north of Quebec City , so I decided I would just keep going . At 10 . 30pm I turned south at Riviere du Loup for the final leg to New Brunswick . At that point I really should not have been on the road , I was quite tired and my reaction time was noticeably slowed . I figured that there wouldn 't be too much traffic on the road and with the stereo cranked up I would stay awake until my destination . So that 's what I did and I pulled off an hour later just north of the border . I had packed the truck so full that it took me another half hour just to clear out some space in the back of the truck to sleep . It was still pretty hot so I couldn 't sleep in my sleeping bag because it was too warm , so I spread a bedsheet on top of the sleeping bag and slept under that for half the night , then after a few hours woke up cold and crawled into the bag to sleep for another couple of hours . The rest of the trip was uneventful , I arrived at Fritzat Fritz and Carolyn of course were not home , but I know where their spare key is and let myself in . I called Carolyn at work to let her know I was there , then had a shower and made a cup of tea while I waited for her to come home . My reason for wanting to get to Wolfville by Friday afternoon was that Carolyn had said she was planning to go to the South Shore for the weekend , so I wanted to arrive before she left . As it turned out , she opted to stay in town for the weekend . We went out for dinner at The Ivy Deck and by the time we got back to her house Fritz was home too . We chatted for an hour or so and then all toddled off to bed . On Saturday morning we again sat around for a couple of hours over breakfast chatting , then Carolyn and I headed off to the Saturday Market . Having packed up over several days , I had long since forgotten what I had in the way of food so I did not know what grocery shopping I needed to do . I decided I 'd wait until I 'd unpacked to make a grocery list . So the Market was more for the pleasure of it than any real shopping . In the afternoon I headed up to The Harbour . Ruth and Mike were home and after first taking a look at the house I would be staying in , I checked in with them . Ruth came back to my truck to help offload the kayak , we left it lying on a couple of logs by the side of the driveway . Borrowing their wheelbarrow I began unpacking the truck . The driveway into Fritz and Carolyn 's house in the woods is very muddy at this time of year , and last fall Mike got his tractor stuck in the driveway , so there are big gouges in the ground where he got stuck . Maneuvering the wheelbarrow around the mud and tractor gouges was tricky , I did not escape sinking up to my ankles in mud but did manage to avoid spilling any of my belongings into the mud . I was amazed at how much stuff I had , seeing it all spread out inside the house was impressive . Imagine , I somehow got all that stuff into my truck ! There 's tools and books and food and pots and pans and clothes and yarn and a computer and a boombox and a at The house is in good shape . Fritz and Mike intended to do some roofing over the winter but were not able to manage it . So the front half is nicely done , the back half is a mess . But nothing leaks , yet . Scaffolding is up and one of the upstairs bedrooms is now converted to a work area , and a ladder leans up against the porch roof . Since both men have jobs that give them time off in the winter but keep them very busy the rest of the year , neither thinks he will be able to get back to the roof before the fall . Carolyn and I could work on it , but we really need Mike to be there to at least direct . And Mike does not foresee any time off over the summer . As well there is the small problem of no outhouse . The old outhouse is more than full . My emergency hole in the ground from last summer is still there and I can still use it , but it 's not exactly pleasant . Mike did dig a hole for a new outhouse last fall , and the materials are apparently around for building it , but Fritz and Carolyn have specific plans for how they want it done and I am not clear on that . Again , Mike is not available anytime soon . What I am hoping will happen is that I can get him to spend an hour one evening with me showing me how it is to be done . I have a feeling my first building project is going to be an outhouse . Last summer I was here building the kayak , and that pretty much occupied my attention . When I needed a new outhouse I just dug a hole in the ground and put a couple of boards over it to create a trench . That works OK but it does leave one exposed to the mosquitoes and rain . This summer I am not building a kayak so I feel like I can spend more time on other tasks , such as the outhouse situation . I am thinking that rather than simply make do with the hole , I will put a temporary A - frame roof over it and install a bit of a pedestal for a toilet seat . Then I will tackle the more permanent outhouse . I would also like to put in a garden . Many years ago Carolyn did have a garden here , but the trees surrounding the house have grown considerably talat A few weeks ago a " squatter " moved into the house . She really should have checked in with Fritz and Carolyn but she didn 't . I think Mike and Ruth must have made it clear that I was coming imminently so she did move out a few days before I arrived . She decorated the place quite nicely and left a nice note for me . There was a vase of forsythia on the dining table when I arrived . She left her guitar here and I understand that she has no plans to pick it up in the near future . Apparently she is headed to New York City to record a CD and plans to buy a guitar there . There 's also a bow and arrows hanging from one of the ceiling beams , I don 't know if she plans to pick that up or not . Last night , after unpacking everything , doing some grocery shopping and making my first dinner in the house , I went over to Mike and Ruth 's to get drinking water ( I don 't trust the well here ) and Ruth asked me to bring my banjo over . So I did that , she looked it over and tuned it , and then showed me the rudiments of clawhammer style ( frailing ) . So I have some homework now , learn to frail . That 's one of my projects for the summer here , learn to play my banjo . I 've been playing at it off and on for years , but it 's been more off than on in the last few . This morning I biked out to Sheila 's house on the road and we had a happy reunion . The dogs barked , Sheila and I hugged , then Sheila called Nancy across the road and we all went for a long walk in the woods with the dogs , Sheila 's two Max and Moose and Nancy 's Chezzah . I sure wish I had Dobby here now . While Nancy Sheila and I were gabbing , Chezzah took Max and Moose off on a long romp in the woods . We don 't know where they went , and they did not return when called , so finally we returned to Sheila 's house only to find Max and Moose waiting there . Chezzah was already back at Nancy 's house patiently waiting on the porch there . This afternoon I cleaned up my emergency " outhouse " and made some changes to the door latch on the house . It 's a homemade affair that doesn 't work entirely as it should , I frequently find the door wide open after thinking I had closed it hours before . I 'm not sure I 've fixed the problem , I suspect this will be an ongoing project . But it is nice to know that I can " waste " my time on such things , I no longer have to think in terms of it being time away from building the kayak . Both Ruth and Nancy are promising frequent kayak trips this summer , now that I have a completed kayak to use . So , over the next few weeks I will be practicing on the banjo , building an outhouse , and putting in a garden . Mike has suggested putting a simple pump on the well ( at the moment is a matter of dipping pails into it and then lugging them up to the house ) , and there is already a black plastic pipe buried in the ground between the well and the house . So I think that could be an interesting project as well , completing the pipe and hooking up a pump on the house end . Even if I don 't manage to run it right into the house , being able to pump water outside the door will be a huge improvement . If I get a decent cover on the well and drain it , shock it and refill it , I might even have real drinking water there as well . Carolyn ordered a cord of firewood last fall and it never got used , so I have plenty of firewood which is nice . Mike hauled half of it in a wagon right up to the house ( that 's how the tractor got stuck ) and the other half is still out at the end of the driveway . I brought my breadmaker this time so I will be able to bake my own bread even though there is no oven here . There 's a baker who sells really nice bread at the Market so I will probably buy a loaf or two as well , but I really like baking my own . Sheila now has highspeed internet and a wireless router , so I will be able to mooch off her occasionally . And of course our morning dogwalks will continue . After this morning 's dogwalk Sheila filled me in on some Harbour gossip . I told her a couple of things in confidence and she explained to me that she and Nancy had a rule about the dogwalks : what gets said in the woods stays in the woods . Good rule . Oh one last thing , when I told Mike and Ruth about my harrowing trip through Montreal , Ruth , who is originally from Montreal , told me of an alternate route that neatly bypasses the city ! So I am going to take my map over to her place some time this summer and get her to mark it on the map for me . In all the years I have been travelling between Ontario and Nova Scotia ( at least thirty - five now ) , the only alternative I knew about was going through the States , and these days crossing the border is hardly more easy than Montreal during rush hour . So I eagerly await Ruth 's revelation of an alternative Canadian route ! The pictures today are completely unrelated to the text , they 're from a recent shopping trip on Roncie ( Roncesvalles ) . Best laid plans , etcAll the test results are in and the coast is clear . With a couple of minor exceptions , nothing there to impede the way . The twinge of pain down there is most likely arthritis , so I 'm going to ignore it . Doc asked if I wanted an X - ray , I said No , his diagnosis made sense to me . He said take a couple of Tylenol every day for a few days and if the pain goes away then that pretty much confirms that it 's arthritis . Of course in the meantime I came down with a sore throat and fever , so leaving today - - - which had been the plan if all went well at the doc 's office yesterday - - - is now out of the question . I 'm over the worst of whatever this is , fever is gone , throat is better , but I 'm sufficiently lethargic to not want to be driving all day . With the long Victoria Day weekend coming up , I don 't want to be on the road with all the other holiday travellers , so that means my departure date is now postponed until sometime next week . I have mixed feelings about it all . Toronto is leafed out and green now , the weather is neither hot nor cold , so it really is a nice time of year to be here . But I had set my heart on being in the Harbour by mid - May and that is now not going to happen . So , my plans are now to : ( a ) get better , ( b ) try to get my kayak into Lake Ontario this weekend , ( c ) see the latest Star Trek movie , ( d ) see the last Lost episode for the season , and ( e ) try to get together with The Dog Ladies one last time . Dog daysWhile I was going through my week of medical tests , we very nearly lost our dogpark . Apparently a complaint was lodged ( this now turns out not to be true ) and one of the Catholic School Board maintenance folks told us that we would have to get a permit to take our dogs onto school property , and the permit was going to cost BIG BUCKS . It was a rather stunning turn of events . With all the stress of the medical tests I was in no mood for it and it instantly depressed me . I thought : ( a ) at The Brockton Triangle Yard Sale was today , unfortunately we had several thunderstorms pass through , complete with heavy downpour and lightning . Some of us were undeterred though , we put our stuff out for sale , and then either ran it all back onto the porch when the downpour started or simply covered everything in tarps . The storms came in waves , so we had to do this several times over , but we were determined ! I managed to sell a few things , and then spent my earnings on two bead necklaces from Mary Anne across the street , a cookie from Tristan , and a chana , potato and cheese roti from Queen Street . A lady wanted to buy binoculars from me and tried to bargain with me , but I was of two minds about whether I wanted to sell them at all , so I told her that I wasn 't going to lower the price because I would be happy to keep them . She finally bought them at my price . I was half wishing that she would walk away without them , kind of disappointed to see them go . Dobby had to stay in the house for the whole time that the yard sale was going on . He kept sneaking out every time the front door opened . Gretel was trying to sell an old dog crate , and one time I caught Dobby sneaking out the door and I stuffed him into the crate . He didn 't like that . I had an electric drill that a fellow wanted to buy , I didn 't care what I got for it I just wanted to get rid of it so I told him to make me an offer . He said he hated dickering , he just wanted to pay my price , but he didn 't have change and neither did I so he went off to get change and didn 't come back . After the yard sale was over we had arranged for a charity to come pick up our leftovers and I gave them the drill . But five minutes later the fellow did show up and I had to tell him it was gone . He shrugged his shoulders and we both laughed . He said he probably didn 't want it after all . At a slow moment in the yard sale , Brighid and her Dad got out their fiddles and played a couple of tunes . Brighid 's fiddle is tiny ! I 've never seen such a tiny fiddle . The sign over their heads is Gretelat One day this past week I went out and bought some petunias , marigolds and lobelia to plant in the tires in front of our house . I am tired of looking at the dirt . These flowers are not very big , but they 're a start . Here 's Dobby admiring my work . I 've been slowly packing and putting things into the truck . On Friday , Ross was out on his porch with his " lady friend " the homecare worker who keeps him company on weekdays . I waved to him and he waved back and asked me if I wanted a beer . In the summertime , he sits on his porch every afternoon having a beer , and he frequently asks me if I want one too . I usually say No because I am busy doing something or other . But this time I said Yes . No doubt I surprised the hell out of him . Coincidentally Gretel was just returning from a visit to the doctor 's , she had hand tremors that the doctor said were caused by stress and the best thing for it was alcohol . So when Ross invited her for a beer as well , she took him up on it . Gretel and I went over to Ross 's porch for a beer . Ross introduced his homecare lady , Joyce , and asked her if she 'd have a beer too . But she said , Not while she was on the job . Ross has told me about his lovelife during the War . He was stationed in Halifax and a family there took him in and treated him like their own son , who was overseas in the War . Ross had a thing going with their daughter . But he was also engaged to be married to a lady in Toronto , so he was torn . In the end he chose the lady in Toronto and they did get married and have a good life together , but he always remembers the lady in Halifax with a touch of regret . So this day I was kidding him about his luck with the ladies . Turns out he has two homecare ladies , Joyce and another woman who comes twice a week to give him a bath . He ain 't complainin ' ! I asked Ross if he made it overseas during the War . He said that he was posted on a frigate heading to Britain , but it was struck by a torpedo and went down . Fortunately he survived and was rescued , but it so affected his nerves that he was posted to a at I kind of got caught up in and preoccupied by other things so I did not write about my second visit of the year to Barrie and Bobcageon on the last weekend of April . I wanted to see Bill and Ruthe again before I left for the summer in Nova Scotia . I 'm afraid I did not take any photos this time of Bill and Ruthe , in fact the only thing I photographed were these easter eggs . My sister - in - law 's sister - in - law is Ukrainian , and she gives Tim and Laurene handpainted easter eggs . They had four of them on their dining table and I thought they were exquisite , so I had to photograph them . Beautiful , eh ? What a talented woman ! Usually Tim calls Corrine , Bill 's wife , when we are going to visit Bobcageon and she usually meets us for lunch and goes with us to Bill 's nursing home . But she was out of town this time so Tim and I surprised Ruthe and Bill . When we arrived at Ruthe 's , she was busy getting ready to go out for lunch with a friend . She seemed much more energetic this time than the last time we saw her . We had a nice visit with her but after 25 minutes or so it was clear that she was tiring and we didn 't want to exhaust her before she went out for lunch with her friend so we said our goodbyes and left . We dropped by Bill 's place briefly to let him know we were there and would come back in the afternoon for a longer visit . Then we went for lunch at a local restaurant called the For The Halibut , and had fish and chips . I think we had cod . We went for a bit of a walk around town afterward , I saw a bufflehead on the river there . Bill was waiting for us by the front door when we got back to his nursing home . I think we spent almost two hours with him until we had tired him out too . We chatted about a lot of things , about Josh 's new job flying in northern Ontario this summer , the state of Tim 's car that used to be Bill 's and so he still has a proprietary interest in its survival . We talked about Bill 's oldest brother Jesse and how smart he was . Jesse was hired by IBM to repair and maintain their computers back in the very early dayat So . Two down , one to go . First one was a blood test , not sure what for except maybe possible anemia , but I am pretty sure that is not a problem for me . I arrived at the lab minutes before closing time and the last tech was just closing up shop , she was not thrilled to see me . I wasn 't thrilled to see her either , last time she took my blood she dug around in both arms looking for a suitable vein and ended up leaving big bruises that took a long time to heal . However , beggars can 't be choosers , I was grateful that she did the bloodletting at all , and this time quickly without bruising . Second one was a colonoscopy , that was yesterday . Whew . For those of you who have had the pleasure , I 'm sure I need say no more . And for those of you who have not , you don 't want to know . Suffice to say , the doctor performing the procedure had zero bedside manner , but if performing colonoscopies was my day job I 'm sure I 'd have no bedside manner either . Once again my lousy veins were a problem . Sedation was an option , I chose to take it , but the good doctor tried four times to find a vein to insert the sedation needle into . Each time hurt , each time he cursed , and by the fourth time I was ready to pass out and he was ready to quit . Things went downhill from there . I think that if slapping around recalcitrant patients were allowed , he would have . As it was he just slapped the recalcitrant veins and made unpleasant comments . He asked if I would forego the sedation , how low was my pain threshold anyway . I said , At this point , pretty damn low . So he ploughed on . Literally . The good news is it 's done , they gave me cookies and water in the recovery room and escorted me to the bathroom to expel accumulated gas , and after 30 minutes or so I could walk without staggering and went home . The last test is scheduled for Thursday , an ultrasound . Going without food for most of the day and waiting in the lab with an overfull bladder sounds like a piece of cake compared to the last few days ! I was supposed to see the referring doctor mentioned in a previous post at I saw one of the documentaries that is in this year 's Hot Docs Festival in Toronto , it was called Burma VJ ( VJ = video journalist ) . This was narrated by a Burmese man , a journalist in hiding . During the uprising in September 2007 he was responsible for a network of Burmese video journalists who took live footage of events and smuggled it out to the international media . The narrator survived because he had had to flee to Thailand before the uprising , but many of his colleagues were hunted down and killed for their work . He lost all his friends and colleagues ; the few that survived are now in hiding and he can 't reach them . It 's a harrowing film , at once frightening and moving . The Burmese who participated in that uprising were extremely brave . For a few days the people were excited and hopeful that things might change , but it ended badly . The scenes of the uprising were amazing , tens of thousands of Burmese marching in the streets , sitting down and praying in front of armed soldiers at the command of the monks . The monks were amazing too . This is a very devout country , where monks are highly respected . They generally avoid getting involved politically , but this time they did , for the people who were suffering . They marched in the hundreds with their begging bowls turned upside down above their heads . This meant that they were refusing alms , particularly from the government . For the monks to show this kind of disapproval is a Very Big Deal . For soldiers to shoot at monks , and then later round them up , take them away and torture and kill them , was also a Very Big Deal . Those soldiers have very bad karma to deal with now . The narrator hoped that the soldiers would come over to the people , but he felt sorry for them when they didn 't . He said they knew better than anyone else how cruel the Generals are and he understood their fear to refuse orders . There was one scene where one of the VJs was running with some students to escape the soldiers . They ran into a dead - end with no way out and the soldiers right on their heels , andat Keep meaning to write something here but somehow don 't get around to it . Been a busy a week . I am planning to drive to Nova Scotia on May 8 . Well , leave here on May 8 , spend a couple of days visiting a friend in Ottawa and then another couple of days on the road through Quebec and New Brunswick to arrive in Wolfville on the 12th . That was the plan . Now up in the air . I had a warning symptom that things might not be as well as they might and I debated whether to do anything about it now or wait until I got down east to pursue the matter . Called my doctor 's office and the earliest I could get an appointment was at the end of May , over a month away ( at the time of the call ) . This is highly frustrating , it 's the second time I 've tried to get an appointment and the receptionist has told me that there was no way at all to see her in less than a month . I could however drag myself down to the clinic for the two - hour walk - in period and hope that I was one of the lucky five people who got to see a doctor there . I asked if they could tell me of any alternative , such as another walk - in clinic , the answer was No . Unless I wanted to spend a minimum of six hours at Emerge , and since my problem is not an emergency I could count on being triaged to the bottom of the waitlist there . At the dogpark and my weaving and wood carving classes I started asking folks what doctor they saw and whether that doctor was taking new patients . Got lots of suggestions and everyone seemed confident that their doctor was taking new patients , but when I followed up , none were . I went on the internet and did countless searches for walk - in clinics and doctors taking new patients within a reasonable distance . Nothing . I am sure there are walk - in clinics , but a Google search just doesn 't reveal them . There doesn 't seem to be one place you can go to for a list of walk - in clinics . I can 't tell you how frustrating this is . The only good news is that my Ontario health insurance card ( OHIP card ) does entitle me to seek medical care in another province for up to 12at |
Zitsile ( the church secretary and my " Swazi daughter " ) and I stopped by the hospital this evening to see how Nonjabulo is doing . I am so thankful to be able to report that Nonjabulo is doing better . On Tuesday they took her off the oxygen , her fever was gone and her mom reported that she was drinking and eating without crying at every bite . This afternoon , she had the oxygen back on and her chart said her afternoon temperature was 100 , but her eyes were big and bright and she wasn 't missing a thing that was going on in the room . She held my finger with a good grip and she " played " with the little toy that Deb bought her . Played is probably an exaggeration , but she did reach for the toy , hold it and try to put it in her mouth . So , overall , she is doing much better . Still no smiles and she doesn 't have much strength , but I feel so encouraged that this will come . Zitsile had never been to the children 's ward at the hospital . She didn 't like it . One reason is that hospitals bring back the memory of her sister 's last days and watching the woman in the bed next to her sister die . She couldn 't believe the conditions . She asked where the mothers sleep . I told her on the floor , under the crib . She was shocked . She talked to the mothers of the other children so I got the scoop on them . They all have TB . ( I 'm not sure Zitsile figured that one out . ) One little one about 2 has a huge sore on his head where they normally put an IV on small children . The mother said the nurses did something wrong with the IV and caused the sore . A second little one also about 2 was dropped by a care giver when he was 4 months old . They did a brain scan soon after the fall and said there wasn 't damage . However , he can 't sit up . He has been in the hospital for a month and he has also been waiting for about that long to get a referral to the Mbabane government hospital to see why he cannot sit up . I 'm guessing he has some brain damage because he is obviously developmentally delayed . The third child is a boy of 12 years old . He is extremely sick . I 'm sure he is HIV + in addition to having TB , but there is probably more going on . He is nothing more than a skeleton . Literally . Think of the most severe case of anorexia that you have ever seen and then take more weight off . I 've had a hard time talking to him and looking at him , but I try to wave and talk to the kids equally , but down deep I know that I can 't face the physical sign of his illness . I am so amazed that the child is alive , but he did seem to be a bit better today than he has been . He sat up for a while and ate a little . I sat there and a part of me wished I could take pictures to show you , but the other part of me , the part that always wins out , just can 't do that because I feel it would be too much of an invasion of their privacy . Maybe one day they 'll develop a device that can print the pictures in one 's mind . Please continue to keep these chiPosted by Yesterday , ( Saturday ) I took Thini , Thoko , Gladys and two other circuit stewards to visit Nonjabulo . When we arrived , There were several people in the room and a woman was holding Nonjabulo praying over her . Nonjabulo was completely still . My instant thought was that she had lost the battle . The woman was praying mostly in SiSwati . Her prayers reminded me of a typical TV Evangleist . After she prayed for Nonjabulo , she handed her back to her mom , and then started praying for the next child in the room . When she handed Nonjabulo back I could see that her eyes were open . She actually looked at me and at Thini and the best part was she lifted her little hand up towards Thini 's face as Thini was leaning over her kissing her and talking to her . She was still very weak , but that was more than she has done since being admitted . We all prayed over her again , and then I left because the room is so small there really wasn 't room for us . After church this morning , I stopped by the hospital on my way home . Nonjabulo was sleeping peacefully . Her fever was gone . She did open her eyes and wake up for a little bit . She looked at me with her big bright eyes . Then she reached out for my hand and actually gripped my finger . Not real strong , but once again that was more than she has done since being admitted this time . Her mom fed her a little bit . She has some cereal thinned with formula and she gives a little bit to Nonjabulo whenever she can . After she ate I asked if I could hold her . I held her and rocked her for a few minutes and then gave her back to her mom . Her mom and I both agreed that a big " Praise God " was in order . Her little mom must be so exhausted . But she is so dedicated and always sounds hopeful . I thought back to when my oldest son Christopher was about 2 1 / 2 and was hospitalized with meningitis for a few days . I remember how hard it was and we didn 't have near the severe conditions that they have in this hospital . I had a comfortable chair that reclined , decent hospital food , air conditioning and heating and Doctors and nurses who actually kept me up to speed on what was going on . Nonhlanhlana has to sleep on the hard floor or sit in a hard chair with the back broken out of it . The nurses come in and don 't say a word . I so admire the women in this country for all they endure . Praise be to God for Nonjabulo 's improvement . Please continue to pray because she has a long way to go to be considered even slightly healthy . Usually after about 3 months , the ARVs have done their work and the health of the person stabilizes . And it generally takes about 3 to 4 months of treatment for the TB to clear up . Unfortunately , because we are dealing with both scenarios at the same time , the body has to fight harder and it may take longer . We will continue to pray for the best . I spent last evening at the hospital with Thini , Nonhlanhla and baby Nonjabulo . The Dr . put her on oxygen in the afternoon . I had stopped by her room , briefly around noon . She was sleeping , but very congested . The mom said she was doing " a little bit better . " I wasn 't sure I agreed with her but said nothing . Then around 3 : 00 I got a text message from Thini that they had put her on oxygen and she asked me to come . She is a very sick little girl . The oxygen is helping her breathe better , but her breathing is very shallow and quick . She doesn 't like to be moved and periodically she either has coughing spells or she is trying to cry . I can 't really tell which it is , but she sounds awful week . She does fight when they try to give her some hydration fluid by mouth or when they try to feed her . She won 't nurse . She is a petty good fighter , but the fight wears her out and then she drops back into sleep for a while . She did open her eyes for about ten minutes and just looked at Thini and then me . Thini waved a little toy Deb bought her in front of her face and she would look at it but didn 't attempt to try and touch it . It appears as if her fever has come down although it felt like she might be getting a small one back in the evening . It is so frustrating not to be able to get any information from anyone . The nurses don 't want to speak to anyone and visitors aren 't allowed when the Dr . visits . The only way I could speak to the Dr . is IF I happened to in the room when he arrived , which is very unlikely . They lock the doors to the ward when it isn 't visiting hours . So I have to exercise extreme patience and faith . Please pray for little Nonjabulo to recover . Her body is so little to be having to fight so hard , but she is trying . And please pray for her mom , Nonhlanhla who is with her night and day , sitting on a hard chair without a back and sleeping on the floor under the crib . There are 4 patients in that room , and all the mothers have to sleep on the floor under the small crib because there is not room for them to sleep any other place . Please pray for them as well . And please pray for Thini . She is so worried and " just doesn 't know what to do . " I can 't help her other than to pray because I don 't know how to help Nonjabulo either . Tuesday , while Thoko and I were driving to Lutfotja she told me that her oldest granddaughter , Zwakele who is 19 years old , was pregnant and due this month . She is not married and after telling her that she was pregnant , she kind of isolated herself from the family . Zwakele works in the restaurant of one of the bigger hotels in Swaziland . Thoko says she really likes it and had a dream of perhaps going into the catering business . Like any mom or grandmother she was disappointed because she had hoped that her granddaughter would be able to achieve that dream . She was also concerned because she was so young and didn 't realize how hard and expensive it is to raise a baby . This morning I sent her a text message to ask what the plans were for today . She called me and told me her day yesterday got all mixed up because they had rushed her granddaughter to the hospital and she delivered the baby . So Thoko is a great grandmother ! Meet Sibonelo . He is less than 24 - hours old in this picture . Hopefully before too long I 'll be able to get a picture of him when he isn 't crying ! As my mom would say , at least we know he has a healthy set of lungs . While at the hospital , I went to see how Nonjabulo is doing . Her mom was holding her and she was sleeping . You could tell she still didn 't feel well because whenever her mom tried to move her she would cry . But as long as mom was holding her upright , she was able to sleep . Please continue to pray for this little one . She is a very sick baby and the survival rate of a baby that is HIV + and has TB is not very good . But we have faith that with all of the prayers going up for this sweet baby girl and with all of the love around her , she will get better . I woke up this morning to the most beautiful blue sky and sunshine . After several days of cloudy , wet weather , the morning seemed even more beautiful . The sun was warm , but the air still had a touch of coolness in it . The hills have suddenly turned green . They are the type of green that almost hurts your eyes because it is so rich . The leaves on the trees and plants by the side of the road were still green after having the layers and layers of red dust washed off them by the rain . Our plan of the day was for Thoko and I to go to Lutfotja to get information on all of the kids that are part of Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu and check on the Nhlengethwa kids . We thought it wouldn 't take long . While at Lutfotja we were given information on 10 additional children that are all " sick and taking the tablets " ( HIV + taking medication ) . Most of them were in grade 1 . We also learned more about a child - headed household of 8 children . In reality , they are two families sharing the same homestead . The mothers of the children were sisters . The fathers of the children are " late " ( deceased ) . Before the mothers death they told the children to stay together to help each other out . The oldest child is 16 , and the next oldest is 15 . Then the ages go down as follows : 13 , 11 , 10 , two are 8 , and 7 . None of these children appear to have health issues but are very vulnerable meaning they have no means by which to feed or support themselves . My mind started going into " understanding mode . " At one point I kept asking questions such as why this , why that , I don 't understand , didn 't you say blah , blah , blah . Then I reminded myself that I had to stop trying to figure it out , trust God and take things one step at a time . Today has it 's own troubles . I stopped asking the questions . On our way out of the head teacher 's office we saw several of the kids that we support under Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu . I counted 6 girls that are in serious need of a new uniform . I didn 't bother counting the boys or those that need new shoes . I said to Thoko that I don 't know how we aPosted by Things are moving along with the teacher 's house at Lomngeletjane . The inside walls are all plastered and we now have a dropped ceiling and doors ! Yeabo ! We 're still wrestling with the plumber who didn 't finish his work which is now going to delay us , but we 've had a lot of progress in the last couple of weeks . Tomorrow a glass guy is going to come and put glass in all of the windows . Work on the septic tank is also underway . The hole that was dug was three times as wide as it needed to be . So John will have to fill that hole back in and tamp down the dirt so it will be firm and support the walls . He will also have to dig the pit for the French drain , but I 'm pleased with the recent progress . The best news is that the head teacher talked to the Minister of Education regarding a garden for the school . Not a 6th grade garden which is a requirement , but a school garden to feed to the children in an attempt to improve their nutrition status . The Minister of education referred her to the Agriculture Inspector for the schools and he gave the school several buckets , watering cans , gardening implements , etc . He is also going to give them some fencing . Even though the school is fenced , he says the garden should also be fenced to keep those who shouldn 't be in the garden out . ( Whatever . As long as he 's donating the fencing I will most definitely agree with him ! ) I was talking with the head teacher about the severe malnutrition of so many of the kids in this area . We agreed that we have to put our heads together to come up with a plan . The children are getting soft porridge in the morning for breakfast and then mealie meal with maybe a few beans or black - eyed peas for lunch , but that isn 't adequate . The porridge and mealie meal are both just maize ( a dense form of corn ) . Their diet is severely lacking in protein and vegetables . The head teacher was saying they would probably wait to start the school garden until January after the school break because if they planted before the break there wouldn 't be anyonChris Friday evening I got a call about 6 : 30 from Thini saying Nonjabulo was very sick and weak . So I went to pick up Thini , Nonjabulo and Nonnhlanhla ( the mom ) and take them to the emergency clinic at RFM ( the hospital in Manzini . ) Nonjabulo was very hot and very , very lethargic . She looked like she was barely breathing . Thini wrapped a real thick , heavy blanket around Nonjabulo before she got the car . Unlike in the States , they keep babies wrapped in these real thick heavy blankets no matter how warm it is outside . Friday night was very hot and muggy . I told her to not put the blanket around the baby because her fever was too high . I was amazed she immediately took the blanket off of the baby . ( The baby still had on the long sleeve footed one piece terry cloth sleeper and a light receiving blanket around her . ) We got to RFM about 7 : 30 . Nonhlanhla took the baby to get in the que to see the Doctor and Thini and I went to get in the que to pay and get her chart . They couldn 't find her chart because the accounting office had it , so finally they made her up a temporary chart . Because the baby has TB , there was no fee for the visit . It was some after 8 : 30 before a Doctor showed up . Thini and I had to wait outside because they would only allow the mom into the emergency room with the baby . Waiting brought back so many memories of taking my Christopher to emergency when he was a baby . He would get ear infections and spike a high temperature and of course it was always at night . I thought of how scared Nonhlanhla must be for her child and how blessed we were that my mom could come into the treatment room with Christopher and I . I thought of one particular time when they rushed us into a treatment room because Christopher 's temperature was so high . And they had us take off his clothes and continually sponge him down with cool water until the Doctor could check him . Christopher hated that and so did I but knew it was the right thing to do . I knew nothing like that was happening inside the emergency treatment room here . It drove me crazy to not be able to go in and ask the Doctor all kinds of questions and tell him everything I knew about the baby . I was especially worried because she didn 't have the chart that gave the history of illnesses and treatment that this little baby has been through in her brief little life . This was one of those times I had to just pray for patience and that the Lord would give the Doctor wisdom in treating this baby . About 10 : 30 they came out . I was surprised the Doctor didn 't admit her . Nonhlanhla didn 't know the diagnosis , only that they were supposed to get the medications prescribed filled and bring her back on Tuesday for a check up . I tried to glance at the medications , but couldn 't read what was written . I would have had to ask the pharmacist but instead I had to run and get the car because a thunderstorm had rolled through it was raining . It is now Sunday morning . Thini says the baby is doing much better , but still not eating a lot . I don 't know how much she is drinking . So just when we got her weight up so she could come home from the hospital Thursday afternoon , she got sick on Friday afternoon anChris I went to bed early last night ( 8 : 30 ) because I was ready for the day to end . I slept well and woke up renewed and refreshed . I took it easy this morning , drinking a couple of cups of ( decaf ) coffee while I read my chapter for tomorrow 's bible study and then answered some e - mails . ( If you have sent me an e - mail and I haven 't responded , please know that I loved hearing from you , I just sometimes don 't get around to answering the e - mails in a timely fashion . ) Then about 11 : 00 John called me asking when I was going to bring up the plans for the septic tank and I realized I had to get in gear . The rest of the day went at warp speed . First I had to " draw " up the plans for the septic tank and french drain for the teacher 's house based on a conversation we had with the health inspector a couple of weeks ago . Who would have guessed that one day I would be sitting in the southern part of Africa making a technical drawing for a builder to make a septic tank ? I certainly wouldn 't have guessed that and I can assure you neither did my Junior High or High School teachers ! Before taking the drawing up to John I went by the hospital / clinic to give Thembie some money for Dr fees and lunch . Today she was there with a 14 year old girl who was raped a year ago . The girl hadn 't been to a Dr . because of the lack of money . So we were bringing her to have a HIV test and also to get medication for a possible STD . Sipho 's mom is the girl 's step - mom so of course she had to be there again today . She was so excited to tell me and show me that Sipho 's mouth was clear of sores ! It was truly a miracle . We all rejoiced and thanked God . I am not kidding . I 've seen some amazing things , but this is an absolute miracle . All the prayers that have covered this baby have been answered . He looked like a completely different baby today . The nurses in the clinic couldn 't get over the difference . Thembie also brought another girl that is 11 years old . She is one of 15 grandchildren living with the grandmother because their parents have died from HIV . The girlPosted by I just got back from spending 7 1 / 2 hours at the hospital / clinic in Manzini . Thembie brought little Sipho and his mother , Khanyasilie , down from Lomngeletjane to be seen by the Dr . The thrush in his mouth is no better and he cries a lot . Actually , I think it is worse , but when we finally got in to see the nurse she said he was much better . Sipho has gained weight , although only . 2 kg in two weeks which now moves him down from the 97 percentile for weight to the 50 percentile for weight . When we finally saw the Dr . he was the same Dr . that was on duty when Tiphelele was admitted back in June . He remembered me and even remembered that I was with the Methodist church . I was amazed . He asked me where I keep finding these babies . I told them they were families of kids that went to one of our schools . I asked him how a baby so young could get thrush , which is really why I waited with Thembie and Khanyasilie ( the baby 's mom ) , He said the most common reason is that the mother is HIV + , the second reason would be if the mother had taken a lot of antibiotics during pregnancy and the third reason would be if the mom had taken steroids during pregnancy . She hadn 't taken any antibiotics or steroids . Khanyasilie had been tested for her HIV status in July when her husband passed away from TB . She was negative , but one must follow up the test in three months which she hadn 't done . So he sent her to be tested . While we were waiting Sipho started crying . I tried to quiet him , but that didn 't work . So she went to strap him on her back . He was crying and squirming so hard he almost fell off her back a couple of times it was so good I was there to catch him . I think he was too young to be on her back but I couldn 't say or do anything . Finally a nursing supervisor came out from her office and told Khanyasilie to take the baby off her back and to hold him in front of her . He quieted very quickly . Of course , then out came the breast again . Some mothers here just leave the breast hanging out so the child can feed on demand or use it as a Posted by The beautiful little birds start singing these days before 5 : 00 in the morning . It 's not a soft little chirp , chirp either , it 's like there are hundreds of birds outside my window . The plan of the day was to take some nails up to John at Lomngeletjane , stop by and see baby Sipho and visit Nonjabulo in the hospital . None of that should have taken much time so I was going to catch up on some e - mails that are very long overdue . I left my place around 8 : 30 , went by the Post office to mail a letter and found out today is World Post Day and therefore all postage is free . ( I 'm impressed ! ) I was mailing a birthday card to my sister - in - law . I 'm wondering if she will ever get it . Oh well , it 's the thought that counts . Then I went to the hardware store to get the nails and across the street to the grocery store to get a few things . I was done with these errands in record time and headed up to Lomngeletjane . As I was driving I thought about how quickly I could complete these simple tasks today and how long it took me just to go to the grocery store two years ago . John and his guys almost have the drop ceiling put in one of the bedrooms of the teacher 's house , which is good . Then I stopped by Sipho 's house . I wanted Thembie to go with me , but I couldn 't reach her on her cell and no one knew where she went . I started walking down towards the little house / shack that Sipho 's family lives in and one of the toddlers saw me coming and got excited . I found the mom , holding Sipho and the two toddlers sitting next to a cooking fire drinking tea . They weren 't 3 ft from the fire and the smoke surrounded Sipho and his mom . Shipo was crying and the mom was shaking him like crazy . It drives me nuts when she does that . I want to scream " haven 't you ever heard of shaken baby syndrome ? " I looked in his mouth while he was crying and his little tongue is still full of white sores . I asked the mom if I could hold him for a minute . I held him for a little bit and slowly rocked him while I half sung , have talked to him . He quieted at first but then started squirming . He reminded me of how my youngest son would squirm before we found out he was lactose intolerant . I couldn 't talk much with the mother . She either doesn 't understand or speak English or she was too shy to answer my questions . I think it is the former . So I left after a few minutes . The youngest toddler waved a little when I said bye - bye , but was pretty shy . Then I was about 20 ft away and he yelled out " bye . " It was really cute . From there I stopped by my place to make myself a cup of tea . When I was finished it was time to go meet Thini at the hospital so we could visit Nonjabulo . We were walking towards the children 's ward and saw Nonjabulo mother walking towards us with Nonjabulo wrapped to her back with a blanket . Nonjabulo looked so cute all tucked in with those big eyes so alert . Nonjabulo is in the malnutrition room of the children 's ward . There were 5 cribs sitting end to end . A child was in each bed . Thini took Nonjabulo off her mother 's back and gave her right to me . Nonjabulo watched me and then started making her little gurgling sounds at me . She took a hold of my finger and started chewing on it . My first thought was that I was glad I washed my hands before coming . And then I realized how bizarre it was to have that thought considered all the dirt , germs , etc . they live with each and every day . It is amazing what a strong grip that little one has . She was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday because when she went in for a follow - up appointment her weight had dropped for 4 . 7 kgs to 4 . 3 kgs . This morning it was back up to 4 . 5 kgs . Her target weight before she can go home is 4 . 8 kgs . I learned today that she is 7 1 / 2 months old , not 6 months old . And today is her mom 's birthday . We enjoyed talking with her and watching her . She has the cutest smile with two dimples . She really talks a lot and is just the sweetest little baby . The malnutrition room is just an empty room with cribs along one wall . It 's a pretty small room . The mothers or gogos stay with their children because they need to feed and change them . They sleep sitting on a small bench resting their head on the baby 's mattress or on the floor . There is no privacy . Two of the little ones slept the entire time we were there . The other two were awake . One was crying off and on . I 'm guessing he was probably around 2 , maybe older . If I looked only at his fat little stomach and ignored the fact that his stomach was bloated , not fat , he looked normal . However , hisWhen we left , Thini said she had to go someplace to get some disposable nappies ( diapers ) for a child near where she lives that is very sick . We went to a government clinic that was supposed to have them but they were out and didn 't expect to get anymore in this year . So I took her to a grocery store to buy some which isn 't as easy as it sounds . Three stores later , we got the best that we could find which were x - large baby diapers that had a stretchable waist . We took them to the child and her family before I dropped Thini off at her house . Thini lives in a peri - urban area outside of Manzini . It 's a rough looking neighborhood . The dirt streets are almost impassable in some areas , most of the houses are nothing more than shacks and there is a lot of garbage on the streets . We drove into the yard of the girl 's house and found a great little garden . The inside of the house was very clean and tidy . The little girl is 10 years old . She was in the hospital , but the hospital sent her home . In Thini 's words , they said she was too sick . I 'm translating that to be there is nothing more they can do for the child so they sent her home to be with her family the last days of her life . The little girl was sleeping on the couch under a blanket . She never moved a muscle while we were there . Her breathing was very rapid and shallow . They said she is HIV + on ARV 's , has TB and has skin cancer . Her gogo was also sitting on the couch . I 'm guessing that she is HIV + as well and may not have a lot more time left based on her looks . We visited for a few minutes and then Thini sang one of the hymns to lead us in prayer . Her family was very grateful that we brought the nappies and that we prayed for them . The child didn 't even move a muscle . Walking through the children 's ward and then again at the little girls house I couldn 't get out of my mind the stark contrast between our lives and conditions in the US and here . I 'm sure the worst of our hospitals is better than the government hospitals , and especially the community clinics here . There are some nice private hospitals , but most of the people can 't go to them . The conditions that so many people live in , even near the city where the roads are dirt and almost impassable , many houses nothing more than a worn down block structure or shacks made out of tree limbs , rocks and tin roofs weighted down with more rocks or blocks are scenes that are sometimes hard to shake off . Friday ended . The day was over and I never did get to my to do list . Oh well , tomorrow is another day and as always God 's plan was better than mine even though it was hard to deal with and stay positive . ( The Joy of the Lord is my strength . I bow down and worship you now how great and wondrous is He . ) I do have the wonderful memory of Nonjabulo chewing on my finger , gurgling , trying to roll over and play with the curtain and her darling sweet smile . I thank God for that blessing . That was the theme verse from my devotional yesterday ( Tues , Oct 6 ) . A song that is written off that verse immediately started going through my head ( Holy is the Lord ) , which is amazing because half the time I can 't remember a thing ! I should have know right then that God put that verse before me for a reason . The morning started early with Bethuel and I going up to Lomngeletjane to see the progress and talk with John . It had been a couple of weeks since the three of us could meet and we had a lot of unfinished business . The sun was out again and it was a perfect morning ; not too hot and not too cold . We had a good meeting with John settling some cost and labor issues that I had with the work he had been doing . Actually , he had been hiring the work out and not supervising it which he finally admitted although we already knew that . His actions have cost me money and project delays and I have not been happy with him . But we resolved those issues . He is now finishing the work and accepted a little lower payment for his work to compensate for the extra cost I incurred because of his several " mistakes . " Bethuel and I were very happy with the quality of the work he has done recently and we came up with a good plan to get this house finished . The head teacher came over to say " hi " and Bethuel told her she needs to go to the electricity board to get in the que for having the electricity connected to the house ! That 's exciting , and yet overwhelming because now we are coming to the point that it is all the things required to actually finish the house and make it livable that have to be done such as water , kitchen sink , appliances , bathtubs , counters , geyser ( hot water heater ) , etc . Ish ! I haven 't planned on those things ! The Lord will provide . Bethuel and I were also very impressed at the number of blocks the parents made last week . The parents decided they would make the blocks to finish the second teachers house ( the other part of the duplex ) as a way of cutting costs . This is a HUGE change in their attitude and we were sPosted by Four - classroom block for 5th - 7th grades at Lomngeletjane : $ 41 , 500 School fees for Orphaned or Vulnerable child : $ 40 - $ 150 per year . School Uniforms : girls : $ 12 ; boys : $ 18 ; winter uniform for boys & girls : $ 25 ; shoes : $ 13 ; socks / underwear : $ . 90 / pair Finish Mahlatsini church so it can be used as a carepoint : $ 8 , 100 If you wish to support this ministry or one of the above projects , please send a check made payable to " One Child At A Time " to PO Box 1046 , Round Rock , TX 78680 . Please note that One Child At A Time , One Heart At A Time is a registered nonprofit in the State of Texas . IRS tax exemption is pending the approval of our application . If you would like your donation to go to a specific project indicate on your check or in a note which project you wish to support . Related links |
The female chamber pot which Helena mentions is called a " Bourdalou " . It is more like a urinal ( bed bottle type , not restroom ) than a chamber pot . There is a picture of one in Lucinda Lambton 's book " Temples of Convenience and Chambers of Delight " . Aparently women hid them in their muffs and used them by holding the container against their crotch and peeing into it . It looks rather like a flat gravy boat . Helena - I have never tried to set on my chamber pot , I guess mainly since we use them for the sight and sound effets . We do have toilets in our house , and when full , or so , my husband Bob , has the task of emptying them . Nevered tried a fireplace thou ! I 'm sure that may uses of chamber pots were found in yesteryears , and like to think about all the folks that have filled them with their pee and poop in the past . For my husband and myself , we both grew up on mid - west farms ( USA ) and had two story houses . It was very common practice , back in the 60s , to place a chamber pot in the middle of the room , and everyone would use it throughout the night , instead of having to go outside to the " out - house " ! As a young kid , I don 't think we thought to much of it , until , we had a friend stay over for the night and got to " hear " them pee in it . For all those years , neither of us ever remember seeing anyone set on our pots . All the girls would squat and the boys would pee from their knees . Even the parents would come in and use it each night . For us , it was emptyed each and every morning , because it was full of pee . Most of us held our poops till the next morning , but , of course , sometimes you couldn 't wait and had to poop right then into the chamber pot . Around our house , this act was never talked about , or made fun of . Well , that was then , and as for us now , we had a pot setting in our bedroom , living room and out on our deck next to the hot tub . Using them is much easier than running all the way to the toilet and of course , lot more fun . For us , getting to watch each other using these pee pots , is really sexy , and because of our love of WS and BS , this is a much better solution than just leaving the bathroom door open and only getting to listen to each other peeing & pooping . Know its not main stream , but how knows ? ? ? ? ? ? I have a couple of questions for everyone . First , when I am at the gym I notice a few well built guys who when they take of their business suits they are not wearing any underwear underneath . Where do those stains both front and back go ? into those suits ? Then they will put on a pair of underwear under their shorts to work out in . What 's with that ? Are they afraid someone will see something as they work out ? Yet they are not ashamed of people seeing stains on their suits ! Secondly , where do guys whear theit dicks ? I being right handed wear it on my left . That way when I reach inside with my right hand it is right there waiting for me . How about everryone else ? Where does it dangle guys ! Your pee stories are GREAT ! Please tell us some more . I enjoy reading about women peeing especially if they are peeing into some kind of container besides the toilet ( i . e . a bottle , giving a urine sample , etc . ) Keep posting your great stories . P . S . This is kind of off the topic but is a great remedy for an itchy butt . If your butt is itching and it won 't go away , but some corn starch on it . IT NEVER FAILS ! Your butt feels so clean and dry afterwards . Hope it helps . This remedy has been in the family for years . Happy peeing to all ! ! ! Hello all . I found out about this forum a few days ago . I am a male college student who found out via the internet that I am not alone with my interest in poop and pee . I used to feel like a freak because of my fetish . Last year I bought myself a modem for my birthday and found out that I was far from alone . I am a much happier person now . The first sites that I found related to pee were porn sites . I feel kind of bad for the models . Some do not look like they are enjoying what is going on , or maybe they are forced to do things by other people . This ate at my conscience and I knew that by looking at these sites I may be fueling the fires of oppression . When I happened across The Toilet I felt much better because the people posting wanted to post . This site feels like a very comfortable place to be in that there is a sense of support for each other written into the pages . My first pee experience was with my sister when I was about six and she eight . We were outside and she said she was going to try to let a little out in her panties . She told me to try . I declined on the grounds that I would not be able to control it once it started . Later I tried peeing in my underwear while sitting on the toilet . The warm feeling was very comforting . For some reason the pee did not drain through the cloth quicly so I cut a hole in the bottom with a pair of nail clippers . When I was done I would throw away the underwear . Being a growing boy they always got too small before they were all used up . So there was a continuous supply of new ones . To this day I do not know if my mom ever knew what was happening . I never talked to my sister about these incidents and do not know what became of her experiments . Unfortunately when she got older she became anorexic and also started abusing laxatives to loose weight . We always were very close and it tore me up to see her wasting away . I am grateful that she is now doing much better as she kicked the laxative habbit and is at a normal weight . By the way I usually have my BM in the morning after breakfast . I don 't look at the size but I feel very light and exstatic after I am done . My girlfriend likes my company in the bathroom when she is doing her business . We have roomates and I often wonder what they think when we go into the " office together to have a meeting " . Adam from Canada Another story to tell . . . I went out for breakfast this morning and then I went to pick up my uniform for my summer job . While I was waiting in line I had to poop real badly . I kept holding it in and when i got home I went to the can and took a poop . It was a greasy one and very loose . It came out very stringy and it was bright brown . I felt much better after . Sometimes When I drink coffee , my poop will be like dirrea . Does anyone experiance that ? I had the runs today , and when I have the runs , I REALLY have the runs ! I also had to attend my little brother 's basketball game , and while taping it , I almost lost it all over myself , but I managed to control my muscles and hold it until I got home . When I got home though , I just shot out so fast that the water in the toilet splashed up all over my butt . Very unpleasant ! Happy motions to all ! To tell you all the truth , I 'm not a particularly interesting toilet - goer . I have a few interesting stories , but only interesting because they were unusual enough to be interesting in my book . . . which isn 't half as interesting as most of the stuff here . Anyway . Since a couple of you have asked , here 's a really memorable pee incident from a camping trip a few years ago : We 'd camped overnight on a nearby island and were heading back to base camp by whaler ( a galley - style boat that takes about 8 - 12 people to row , 1 person calling timing , and carries a total of about 15 ) . We left a little after dawn , when the sky was light . I 'd been packing up my gear ( the island was totally deserted - leave something there , never see it again ) and hadn 't had time to pee . Since it was already light , I didn 't want to be seen ; I didn 't need to go that badly at the time , and figured the weather was so hot , if my body needed water I 'd just reabsorb whatever was available . Wrong - O . Within half an hour I felt an urge that would normally have set me looking for a loo . Another half hour later , I was grimacing , twitching and squirming around at my turn on the oars . Still later , my bladder was so achingly full I thought I 'd scream , explode , or both . At this point , a guy got up , went to the bow ( where his nether regions were somewhat hidden ) and peed from there . This was almost more than I could take , and I asked the camp supervisor how I could pee if I had to ( if you haven 't figured out yet , I 'm female ) . He laughed and said , " You don 't ; you just have to hold it ' till we get back ! " Now , at this point in time , ' back ' was still a few hours away - I wouldn 't even have made an attempt at running for a toilet , but done it the moment I got into seawater up to my waist . I fantasized about falling overboard , so I could do it in the sea ( and my clothes would have been all wet , and nobody would have noticed ) but couldn 't figure out a way to make it look accidental . Soon , it was my turn to call timing , which we did sitting in the bow . So close to relief , and yet so far - the other guy going from the bow , that was all I could think of . That , and falling overboard - staging an ' accident ' , to avoid an _ accident _ . I sat high up , way towards the very front , on the edge of the boat , calling timing . Once in a while , thI wonder why our bodies * don 't * reabsorb water from urine . Heaven knows I was thirsty , but didn 't dare add a single drop more to my bulging bladder the entire trip . . . Today at the student center at the college I go to , I took a shit after lunch . Sometimes if I don 't have a class afterwards , I 'll stay in there on the toilet for about an hour or so to " stake out " the bathroom . I like to sit there and hear other guys come in the other stalls and shit . The bathroom I 'm talking about has 3 stalls . ( I 'm not going to mention my shit because it was pretty uneventful , just a regular - sized turd and no farting ) I usually finish my shit , wipe my ass , and then just sit there pretending to be still shitting . There was some good action today , too . This is a popular bathroom . One guy came in , who was wearing athletic shorts and tennis shoes . Most guys who come in take time to wipe the seat with toilet paper . Obviously this guy had to go so bad that he didn 't take time to wipe the seat . He walked into the stall very fast , which excited me , because I knew that he probably needed to go very bad , and this reminded me of a shit I had the other day during which I had to go very bad . Anyway , this guy quickly pulled his shorts down and sat down . A very loud shit this was , with lots of farting . He let out a couple of sighs of relief . After I heard the last fart / turd drop , he sat there a couple of minutes and then proceeded to wipe . Right after this guy left , another guy also walked quickly into the same stall . He also did not take the time to wipe the seat . He was wearing a pair of stonewashed blue jeans . He unbuckled his belt , pulled down his pants ( remember , I only saw this through the bottom of the stall partition on the side ) , and sat down . I didn 't hear anything for a couple of seconds , but then all of a sudden , I heard something that sounded like someone was spraying the toilet water with a firehose . This was a major case of diarrhea ! It was great to hear this . Oh , well , these were the main ones I remember . Enjoy . This site is hilarious ! I too have had both a fascination as well as a great ability to leave large loafs throughout my lifetime . When I was a kid , I would sit indian style in the bathroom each time I felt the urge to rip a log . I would sometimes go two weeks without using the bathroom ! Unhealthy to say the least . At any rate , when I was 14 , I was in the hospital for about two weeks laid up nd never went to the bathroom . In hindsight , I can 't see why the doctors never said anything . When I got out , I guess laying flat for two weeks reshaped my turd canal , because I couldn 't even pass it when I got home ! I felt like I was giving birth . My mom called the school nurse and she suggested an oil enema . I took it the next day ( I wasa dying by then ) , and laid on the floor in the bathroom for about 15 minutes . My mom said it was best to wait as long as possible . My bowels felt like there was a bowling tournament going on in there . I finally got up and ran to the toilet , relaxed my sphincter , and immediately out slid a log about nine inches long , and I kid you not , almost four inches wide ! I didn 't even have a chance to bust any cracks . No air at all ! I felt like a million bucks ! For movie peeing scenes , there 's " Ever After " . You see this guy walk down a path , look around , squirm as if adjusting clothes , and then you hear a tinkling sound . You see nothing because it 's only rated , like , PG , but . . . Hi . . its been a while , but I have a story to tell . I took a poop at the college today and it felt good . I was reading the newspaper in the hallway near the mens bathroom . While I was reading I got this urge to poop . So I went into the bathroom and there was someone in stall # 3 . I waited a few min until he got out . I don 't like going when there are people in there . Stall # 3 is the most popular toilet to poop in . It is at the end and there is more room . After he go out , I went in and sat down . My poop was in small chunks and it had a weak smell . I also peed after my poop . It took forever to pee as I felt like a water tap . Trish I 've only had the chance to see a young man poop once . It happened at the North Avenue Beach in the 1970s during an unusually warm May afternoon . We met when we were both going to use the beach bathrooms ( the mens and womens were side by side ) only to find they were closed until the beach officially opened at the end of the month . So we started looking around for a discrete place to go . I had to pee and I assumed he did too . When I suggested he go behind a tree , he said short of shyly , " uh well , I need to , you know , do the other thing . " After looking around a while we found a small area where they stored lifeguard equipment . It was walled off on three sides , so we agreed to " stand guard " while the other person went . I went first and squatted down to take a pee , which I needed badly . Even though he promised not to look , I noticed the young man , kind of sneeking a peek . When it was his turn to go , he took his bathing suit off and squatted down wearing only a Tshirt . A big log came out and then another and I turned right around and looked at him - - well turnabout is fair play and he was very attractive . He kept staring down - - not saying anything - - then he started to piss and another couple of small ones came out . I don 't know if he realized I watched the whole thing . We walked back to the beach together and I never saw him again . To CHRIS : You asked me to think about why I 'm shy to dump in front of my girlfriend . Is it because it smells ? Is it because its loud ? To be truthful , yea its both of those things . Plus , there 's just something about it thats humiliating , especially when it involves the opp . sex . ( And wiping myself would be totally embarrassing ! ) But thanks for not making me feel like a wuss for feeling this way . Today at the student center at the college I go to , I took a shit after lunch . Sometimes if I don 't have a class afterwards , I 'll stay in there on the toilet for about an hour or so to " stake out " the bathroom . I like to sit there and hear other guys come in the other stalls and shit . The bathroom I 'm talking about has 3 stalls . ( I 'm not going to mention my shit because it was pretty uneventful , just a regular - sized turd and no farting ) I usually finish my shit , wipe my ass , and then just sit there pretending to be still shitting . There was some good action today , too . This is a popular bathroom . One guy came in , who was wearing athletic shorts and tennis shoes . Most guys who come in take time to wipe the seat with toilet paper . Obviously this guy had to go so bad that he didn 't take time to wipe the seat . He walked into the stall very fast , which excited me , because I knew that he probably needed to go very bad , and this reminded me of a shit I had the other day during which I had to go very bad . Anyway , this guy quickly pulled his shorts down and sat down . A very loud shit this was , with lots of farting . He let out a couple of sighs of relief . After I heard the last fart / turd drop , he sat there a couple of minutes and then proceeded to wipe . Right after this guy left , another guy also walked quickly into the same stall . He also did not take the time to wipe the seat . He was wearing a pair of stonewashed blue jeans . He unbuckled his belt , pulled down his pants ( remember , I only saw this through the bottom of the stall partition on the side ) , and sat down . I didn 't hear anything for a couple of seconds , but then all of a sudden , I heard something that sounded like someone was spraying the toilet water with a firehose . This was a major case of diarrhea ! It was great to hear this . Oh , well , these were the main ones I remember . Enjoy . I like your stories Dee . They kept me interested . I just had a kinda funky poop . It started out kinda hard , but then without warning , it just kinda got mushy and squirted out all over the back end of the toilet , and it just wouldn 't get washed off . I wonder if it 'll still be there tomorrow ? I 'm remembering a story now that happened with my ex - g / f . We 're still very friendly with each other even though we broke up , and whenever we go to her house , or even my house , she always has to take a poop , like she 's been saving it for me or something . Well , just last week , she had to go real bad , and she apparently had a big one that like Linda said , " is desperate to come out , but wants to come out sideways " . We went into the bathroom together , and it 's a pretty decent size in my house , with the toilet just across from the tub edge , so I sat on the tub edge and rubbed her ? ? ? ? as she tried unsuccessfully to push it out . She was having so much trouble with it , she ended up putting her head in her hands and crying because she just couldn 't get it out . I comforted her a little , and then I rubbed both her ? ? ? ? and her back , and pushed on her ? ? ? ? a little bit , and it just barely started to slide out . She was now moaning in pain as it was inching its way out of her back passage practically ripping her rectum as it came out , and there was actually a tiny bit of blood ( it happened to be just around the time of her period ) . I told her to relax , and I pulled her butt off the seat a little bit , and I put a mirror down there , and reached around and slowly pulled the poop out with my hands . Then , being that she was a little dirty and aching a tiny bit , we took a shower together . This woman does not squat over a chamber pot , but , unless it is freezing cold , sits upon it . Noisy , and unless you believe in using the window , hard to dispose off . But better than a fireplace , if less convenient than a bidet . To Buzzy : I did that too ! Actually it was a couple of years ago and I posted it to a page called " The Daily Dump " . I used a laptop I borrowed from work . Does your friend know what you did with his laptop ? Just wondered - hope you washed your hands ! To New Guy : I love pasta , and I know a really good place where I go some lunchtimes . Like you I really believe it helps with producing good bowel movements . I always go after lunch , and three big logs is normal for me . Buzzy : That was a really cool post ! I WILL have to try that sometime , it sounds like great fun . I am sitting here doing my pre - class homework for PSYC 2103 and loving it . I think that I would really like to go into this field . You never know , I might meet someone who likes to poop . Or who is so compulsive about it they will do it right then and there ! Haha , that would be so cool . I guess I will keep it short this time too and leave you on that note . Just one more thing . One month until my ATV ! ! YEA ! ! I will love it . I love ridding , it is such a rush , yea I know it seems tomboyish , but I have to do something , my butt is to big for modeling so I just take up recreational promoting instead , I could be in a comercial for ATVs or somthing . I have to let out some gas , I think it will be a lound and smelly one . Buzzy , you might like this . . . * FRRRRIIIPPPP ! * Ahhh , sweet relief . * sniff sniff * Phew ! I was right about the smelly part . I guess I better go sit on the potty for a while and see what I can produce ! I will let you know what happens later . My buddy has a pair of hunting pants with a big rectangle cut out of one shin . Everyone laughed when he came out of the woods like that , because the hole wasn 't there when he went in . He had to wipe with something ! Hi , all . Been reading all your posts and enjoying them all . ( especially plunger and nicky ) It 's that time of day I gotta poop and I borrowed my friend 's laptop and I 'm bringing it into the toilet and give you all some entertainmemt . I haven 't gone in 2 days , so this feels like a good one . The cramps are getting strong and I can feel my rectum filling up with my digested food . ( Does anyone else get this feeling of their rectum filling up ? It 's a great feeling ! ) I 'm sitting on the toilet now . . . . . . I got the laptop on a smalltable in front of me . AHHHHHHHH - - Just let out some loud pre - poop farts . . . . . . . . Now i 'm relaxing my anus and I feel the turd puckering out . . . . . . I 'm pushing . . . . . . AHHHH >> . Hold on . . . IT 's a small knobby poop . . . I 'm holding back the rest of it for a minute . . . I have great anal control I 've developed over the years . It makes pooping more fun . Now i 'm getting cramps . . . . I 'm letting my asshole open up now . . . . . . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHoooooo . Anice long , soft one is coming out now ! Hold on . . . I 'm looking . . It 's still coming out and some of it is in the water . I 'm stopping it right there . . WOW , what a long - - - - - one opppps there it goes into the bowl . A long - - - sausage poop curling around the bowl ! ! This is great sitting here tellyou all . ( hope this gets posted ! ) Wish I had the mirror for this ! Uh - oh more cramps . Here comes part 2 of my BM . I usually go in 2 - 3 parts depending on how much iate and how bad i gotta go . . I 'm pushing . . . More far ! ts . . . . AHHHHHHHHH . Here it comes . . . It 's soft and mushy . now i 'm just lettig it slide out my anus . . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHoo . yea Hold on . . . A sot pile is now on top of the long one . That felt graet ! Now i like to sit here and push my asshole out for a bit . It really pushes out i 've seen it in themirror . aHHHHHHHHHThat was great ! ! hold on , more poop . . . . Loose and gassy . ahhhhhhhh . Now I 'm done ! ! Let me wipe my anus . . . . . . . . That was nice . I hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did going for you I gotta get a laptop ! ! You guys ( especially the women ) should try this BYE A Leicester , England , night club owner has installed ( in the womens ' toilet ) a cubicle with two thrones in it , for those who like to " go " together . I wonder whether this idea will catch on in other places ? And for males ? And unisex ? Have any of you had a turd like mine ? It was almost shaped like a lower - case " t " , or maybe a cross . It was really skinny except for this one small part where it got really wide , and than skinny again almost immediately . It hurt to push out ! And to whoever asked , yes " kids " post here . Or at least they used to . Many people here are in their late tenns , I think , like Nicky , as well as others . I haven 't posted in a really long time . The other day I ate at an Italian restaurant . They had just opened for the first time that day and were all over themselves to serve me . Well I ordered a seafood pasta dish and I realized by the texture of the pasta that it was made fresh and not store bought . The food was really good and so was the service . Anyways to make a long story short , I had to take 3 dumps in rapid succession over the course of a half hour the next morning . I would pass 3 big logs and think it was over and get on with my day when my sphincter would look up at say , " Hey , remember me ? " It was really suprising . I love passing big stools . Often I have little insignificant crap sessions and I look in the bowl and often think to myself , " Was that worth the effort I put into it ? " So for me to dump so much in three quick sessions was a noteworthy event . Last summer , My mom sent me to stay with my aunt and my cousin Jen at their trailer Arkansas . I thought it would be neat since Jen stayed with us last summer and we get along great . Oh , by the way , Jen is 14 and I am 15 . Well when I got there , she introduced me to a couple of other kids that she hangs out with , Mark and Gary , who are both her age . They were pretty cool , and we spent the whole summer pretty much hanging out with them . However , Gary is kind of strange , and he is the reason that I can post something on this site . Jen 's mom would leave for work around 8 each morning , leaving us to do some chores and hang out until she got home for dinner . So after we would get up and do what we were supposed to do , Jen and I would go and find Mark and Gary . Mark lived with his Mom a couple of trailers away , and Gary lived with his Dad , who was rarely home . Gary is this little dirty blond blue eyed cutey , who is about 5 ' 4 " and maybe weighs 120lbs . After we would find them , we would either watch a little t . v . , walk into town , or go hang out in a clearing in the woods behind the trailer park . Gary had this strange habit . If we were hanging out in the clearing , and he had to go to the bathroom he would just do it right there in front of us . It did not matter if he was peeing or pooping . If he had to poop , he would pull down his shorts and underwears , push out a few logs , and pull up his shorts again . He did not seem to mind if we watched or even saw his peter . Well one day , something he ate did not agree with him , and when he was squatting down the explosion that came out of his butt , got on his shorts and briefs . He did not want to put them back on . Mark pointed out that his t - shirt was probably long enough to cover his lack of pants , so he should not worry about since we were just in the woods , and we had all seen his equipment before . So for the rest of the afternoon , Gary was just walking around in his t - shirt and teva 's . Well he found this situation to be quite useful when he needed to piss or poop , because he could just go wherever , without having to worry about pulling down his shorts and squatting down to keep them out of the way . So for the rest of the summer , no matter what we were doing , or where we went Gary just wore a super long t - shirt or tank top and his sneakers or tevas . What was amusing , is this increased Gary 's freedom to relieve himself . This turned into a great source of amusement for all of us , and we were soon daring him to do his deeds in various places . He leaked on the floor in a movie theater from his seat . He dropped a turd one night outside one of the pool halls , with other kids present . He left a trail of whiz as we walked down the street . Once we went to the grocery store and dropped a poop log while we were at the check out counter . I will never forget the smile he had on his face , when he did it . However , one day in August , he got caught , by my aunt . We had just comeback from hanging out in the woods , and my aunt invited Mark and Gary to stay for dogs and burgers on the grill . Well Gary was only wearing a dark green tank top , which sometimes rode up when he sat down . Well after we got our food off the grill , Gary ended up sitting in one of the reclining lawn chairs , so he had to straddle the chair when he sat down . This resulted in his bare butt being on the chair , so he could keep his shirt down in front , so my aunt would not see anything . Well , when he got up , my aunt went to sit down , when she noticed a piece of poop on the chair where Gary had sat . He said , it must have been stuck to his butt , from an a dump he took earlier because he swears that he did not crap on my aunt 's chair . She freaked out when she realized what was on the chair and asked Gary to get rid of it . It was the beginning of the end . After dinner , my aunt took us to the local bowling alley as a treat . Gary did okay for the most part , but my aunt was starting to get suspicious as to why Gary kept pulling on his shirt all the time . The gig was up , when we went to the D . Q . for ice cream . We got our cones , and we were sitting on the curb in the parking , and Gary sat , like he usually did , with arms resting on his knees . This position effectively uncovered himself . Gary , apparently forgot who we were with , and started to pee into the parking lot in front of him . He going full stream , so to speak , when my aunt came out to join us . From the direction she approached , she not only witnessed his relief , but all the parts of him that accompanied it , she could even identify the color of his sparse patch of pubic hair . This did not please my aunt at all . She waited for us in the car . Told Gary to sit in front . She then set out on embarrassing the heck out of him . First she made him take off his shirt entirely because if he did not want wear clothes , he doesn 't get to wear a shirt either . Then she questioned him about why he did what he was doing . As a side note , I thought Gary was cute , seeing him without clothes only confirmed that thought . I also thought he looked real cute when he was only wearing his tighty whiteys as well . Although , they were not so white , they had a lot of yellow orange stains in the front . Next page : Old Posts page 158 >< Previous page : 160 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey |
1 A bird chirped at a distance . Maybe today 's weather will be fine . Picking up an egg from the grassfields wet with dew , Nier looked at the sky . This is the last one . Chickens lay one egg per day , so it 's not easy to miss one . All of them hatched yesterday . Nier couldn 't really tell apart the chicks , but he chose the one that looked the healthiest . The chick struggled - maybe it didn 't want to leave its companions . Nier held it in his hands , taking great care to not drop it or squeeze it too tightly , and ran towards his house . The village woke up fast . No one was on the roads when he left home , but now it was filled with criss - crossing villagers . While he was returning their greetings , a voice called out to him . It was the female owner of the food shop . " You came at the right time . Nier , I heard that Popola asked you to pick up some herbs today , so can you please get me some mushrooms on the way as well ? " " Okay . " People don 't really want to go out of the village - they find it dangerous and troublesome . They have to take great care when walking outside - they can 't provoke the short - tempered wild animals nor go near shadows of any kind . They can only go outside in midday - and even then it 's only for a few hours . In the morning or evening , they have to be close to a village or a city . . . Thanks , Nier answered , and took off again . Everyone in this village is nice . If they were not . . . then it wouldn 't be surprising for a pair of orphaned siblings like them to die out in the wild , even if they had the house left behind by their parents . Once he ran past the fountain plaza , Nier began to see their house . Someone 's silhouette was shown on the window - it was Yonah . She disappeared the next moment - maybe she became aware of Nier 's presence . " Brother , welcome back . " Yonah had a very weak body . She was bound to get sick with the flu whenever the seasons changed , and she would get a fever if she just slept a little later than usual . She couldn 't even get too excited without developing coughs . Her stomach wasn 't very strong either - she 'd either get stomach cramps or throw everything up . Their father worked in a faraway city , and was rarely at home . Sometime after Yonah 's birth , he died outside . That was why Nier didn 't remember much about his father . Living or dead , his father didn 't change their everyday lives much . His mother grew vegetables in a small field made in the garden , tailored clothes at the request of the villagers , and repaired clothing . As far as he knew , his mother never stopped her hands . When they finally did stop , so did his mother 's time . That was five years ago . Nier had just turned ten , and Yonah was one and half years old . It came without any warning . In a completely normal evening , Nier 's mother turned around and told him to ' bring her the plate from the shelves ' while stirring the pot . She fell while keeping her posture . Not knowing what was going on , Nier ran out of his house and towards Popola 's library . Being a manager of so many books , she 'd be bound to enlighten him on that issue . Not only Nier , but everyone in the village believed that . However , throwing one look at his fallen mother , Popola shook her head sadly . The abruptness of her death was unbelievable . She died as suddenly as an object breaking . No , during the funeral , he felt like crying once . The inside of his throat tightened painfully , and his vision became blurry . But he stopped his tears immediately , because Yonah cried out first . Yonah wasn 't old enough to understand her mother 's death yet . She probably became uneasy when she saw Nier about to cry . When Nier smiled at her , she immediately stopped her tears . She was already smiling when Nier wiped her tear - streaked face . He understood when he saw that smile . Now that both his father and mother were dead , he was the only one who could protect little Yonah . 2 After a meager breakfast of the leftovers from the day before yesterday , Nier prepared to go out . " Brother , can 't I come as well ? " She began to say , but was stopped by coughs . It was not a serious cough , and when Nier put his hand on her forehead , he didn 't feel a fever coming up . However . . . A week ago , she had a fever and slept in . The fever had gone down now , and she regained her appetite , but a worrying fact remained - her slight cough continued . " In exchange , you can go out for a bit . " The weather outside was good . Yonah was overjoyed at her first outing in a long time , and tried to run out with basket in hand . However , her cough could have gotten worse if she ran around that much . Nier gripped Yonah 's hand tightly . A gentle slope led from their house to the fountain , so they might have been tempted to run . However , traffic increased further down , and Yonah probably wouldn 't be so rash as to run . He thought that he might be a bit overprotective , but he couldn 't bear to watch Yonah suffer from a fever . The village 's waterway provided water instrumental to everyday life . To keep the water from pollution , there were designated places for fishing , and the children were forbidden to play in the water . That 's why Nier , Yonah , and most of the villagers couldn 't swim . If they fell into the water ways , they wouldn 't be able to expect help from anyone . It 's not the kind of cough accompanied by phlegm , nor the kind that makes a whooshing sound whenever you breathe . It 's a dry cough that seems almost unreliable . It 's not that painful , but Yonah has never had this kind of cough before . That fact worried Nier . " After you 're done with your errand , go and see Popola for a bit . Yesterday night , she made some cough medicine for the old lady in the weapons shop . There should still be some left . " Shades . They 're much , much more dangerous than beasts in the wilderness . They are black enemies that attack people without discrimination , and are the prime reason that the villagers don 't want to go out . Shades are weak to sunlight . That 's why they 're rarely spotted during sunny days or midday . However , during cloudy days or evenings with weak sunlight , shadows or dark places within the bushes became dangerous . Shades are weak to sunlight and sunlight only . So no matter how bright , a torchlight won 't have any effect on them . The reason for that is unknown . Much about the Shades is unknown in the first place . Are they living beings ? What do they eat ? How do they multiply ? How much reasoning do they have ? Luckily , there has been no rumors of Shades dwelling about the eastern door - but in their place were wild goats . They 're about as short - tempered as the sheep in the plains and just as dangerous . If you don 't take great care in approaching them , you 'll either be gutted by their horns or kicked by their hooves . To avoid provoking the grass - eating goats , Nier began picking herbs at a great distance . He heard that people tamed sheep and goats a long time ago , but he doubted its genuineness . It 's nigh impossible to make them behave without resorting to magic , at least that 's what he believed . Speaking of which , he also heard that there was once a time when nights were pitch black . It was hard to believe , but if it was true , then Shades probably didn 't exist back then . If the sun sank below the horizon and left the world in the dark , then the Shades could do as they wished . Humans would probably die out in the blink of an eye . But Nier stopped that line of thought . It 's useless to think about how people lived before . It 's not going to make their life any easier , and it 's not going to make Yonah any better . Having gathered a bagful of herbs and a whole basket of mushrooms , he looked down at his feet . He finished earlier than expected . There 's still sometime before evening arrives . The trees with Yonah 's favorite red fruit were just a bit ahead . He had more than enough time to get them , but changed his mind and headed straight towards the eastern door . Let 's go home soon , I want to be there for Yonah today . Somehow , that 's what he thought . 3 " You were a bit too late . Yonah went back a few moments ago . " Popola 's work includes many things . Although her main job was to manage the library , she often took care of business related to the villagers ' life and death along with her sister Devola . Devola and Popola helped deliver many babies that were born in the villages around here , and would bury the dead as well . Being the knowledgeable person she is , Popola was also relied on by many of the village elders around . Whenever trouble stirred in their own villages , they would often send for Popola 's knowledge by way of mail or a messenger . " Yonah 's cough is slightly different from her usual ones . " Maybe it 'd be better to have dinner earlier as well . Keep her bed warm , let her stay in bed for tomorrow . . . while Nier worked out plans in his head , Popola laughed lightly . " With all the worrying you do , you 'll end up on the bed yourself . " After leaving the library , he delivered the mushrooms and took a pumpkin home . He 'll make a boiled sweet pumpkin for dinner . Surely Yonah will be happy . With those thoughts occupying his mind , Nier looked up at the second floor window . However , Yonah was nowhere to be seen . Usually , by the time Nier came back , she 'd have attached herself to the window , looking out . He had a bad feeling about this . Holding a chick in her hands , Yonah looked up at Nier with a blank face . Overcame with relief , Nier almost sat down on the spot . Yonah wasn 't on the second floor because she was looking after the chick . " Popola said that I don 't need to drink the cough medicine . Instead , I should sleep early in a warm bed . After that , um . . . " Relieved , Nier put down his bag . Listening to Yonah talk behind him , he lit a fire in the kitchen . Her words stopped abruptly , accompanied by a dry cough . It got worse after a few moments . The moment Nier tried to turn around , he heard a retching sound . It seems like she coughed too much and ended up throwing up . He immediately tried to rush to her side , but was frozen in place . Yonah 's two hands covering her mouth were stained black . The oppressive stench was distinctly different from that of vomit . He later realized that it was the stench of blood . Yonah looked like she 's about to cry . She tried to stand up , but started coughing again . Black puddles of blood slipped between her fingertips and splashed onto the floor . They looked like they had a life of their own . An ominous term floated in his mind . The so - called black reaper - the Black Scrawl virus . 4 " Anyways , she should be okay for now . " When he came back to himself , Popola had already given Yonah some medicine , and Devola was helping him clean up the blood - stained bed . No , he really didn 't do anything . Devola and Popola were the ones that took over . When his father died , he still had his mother . When she died , he had Yonah . But what if Yonah died ? He felt himself being drawn into a black hole , and stopped thinking further . Even Popola couldn 't figure out the cause for the much feared Black Scrawl . It 's not something transferred from animals to humans , nor a genetic disease transferred between parent and child . There 's no relationship between health or living habits . A healthy person could easily get sick as well . Maybe even Devola knew . After all , she told Yonah to go to Popola after hearing her coughs . And Popola didn 't give her any medicine , but told him to wait and see . Maybe they knew that the usual medicine won 't take effect . He didn 't ask how much time she had . Nier knew that the Black Scrawl is incurable , and will inevitably lead to death . Everyone feared this disease , so it 's natural for everyone to have a passing knowledge of it . " It differs from person to person , but the fever , the cough and the pain will continue . Yonah said her back hurts , but the pain actually comes from her bone . Some people have leg pains , some have arm pains . " As the disease progresses , the pain will spread throughout the body . Eventually the victim will be rendered motionless , and can only lie down and suffer . Also , coughing up blood will weaken their bodies significantly , and maybe speed up the symptoms . " When black letters show up on their bodies , they won 't have much longer to live . . . " He wouldn 't want Yonah to suffer more than she has to . The least he could do was lessen her pain . But Popola shook her head slightly . In other words , it was expensive medication . Nier was the one who always picked up herbs for cough and fever medicines , so he simply got them from Popola whenever he needed them . However , it 's not that simple with medicine that has be gotten elsewhere . It 's not like he didn 't have savings . After his mother 's death , he found a few of his father 's letters along with a certain amount of money carefully kept . Nier didn 't use them , wanting to save them for times of need . His mother probably thought the same thing and stored them . The medicine worked very well . Yonah still coughed and had light fevers , but the coughs caused by the Black Scrawl were never very serious to begin with . Compared to the coughs that made Yonah lose sleep whenever the seasons changed , this was nothing . As long as the pain is lessened , so is the burden on her body . But here comes the problem - she had to keep drinking the same medicine . If she stops , the pain returns full force . That 's why he had to keep spending money to get a continuous supply of medicine for Yonah . His savings quickly saw their bottom . He didn 't exactly lie to reassure Yonah . He was stronger than he was last year , and became faster as well . As long as he had a proper weapon , he could probably hunt down sheep . Still , getting his hands on that proper weapon is going to prove to be a difficult task . Before he headed into the plains , he went to the south gate . More than half of the villagers were asleep at this hour , and no one could be seen at shops or on the main street . Only his lone footsteps resounded through the quiet street . Soon , he heard the sound of the waterwheel turning and the squawking of hens . He was right in thinking that the hen - keeper 's wife was gathering the eggs . The hen - keeper 's wife said apologetically . In the first place , the couple only kept a number of chickens that they could deal with . Grass and bugs couldn 't feed that many chickens . If they increase in numbers , the couple would have to buy food specifically for them . They weren 't prosperous enough to afford that . Picking up his pace , he once again went through the street full of shops and headed towards the northern gate . No sign of the villagers yet . There were usually two guards at the northern gate , but only one was present . As was his habit , Nier asked the guard for jobs , but the guard just shook his head . His blunt statement was quite understandable . Everyone in this village is gentle , but at the same time , they 're poor . In another city , the wheat and fish in this village may be treated as chicken feed and lures , but to this village they 're precious sources of food . Food wasn 't the only thing they were lacking in . There 's also a severe shortage of workforce . Nobody here had enough money to actually hire people . Even the comparatively rich people are stretching themselves thin just by paying for tailoring . Except the shopkeepers and guards , all adult males had to go outside to work . Nier 's father was once among them . That 's why the " jobs " the villagers gave to Nier were closer to charity . They were going out of their way to think of jobs that they can make Nier do in exchange for food or money . Nier knew that it 'd be hard to get more money in this village . However , Nier is only fifteen , not old enough to be hired in other cities . He really wanted to grow up quicker . He wanted to earn enough money . If this keeps up , he might not even have enough for tomorrow 's food . . . much less for Yonah 's medicine . He went to talk with Devola . Since she sang at the bar , she knew the ins and outs of the village quite well . Just like how people went to Popola for her knowledge , they went to Devola for someone to listen to their complaints and troubles . She should know if anyone wanted help . However , even Devola shook her head today . He never thought about selling his house . It 's an old and small home , so he didn 't know how much it 'd sell for , but it could cover for Yonah 's medicine cost . At least he didn 't have to worry about not being able to buy her medicine anymore . He knew that he should nod . There are barely any savings left . Selling his house and asking Popola to let them into one of her library rooms is the best choice . His brain understood that , but he couldn 't bring himself to nod . Their house must 've been a special place to Yonah , who spent most of her life at home due to her weak body . It 's also the last thing connecting them to their mother . He sold all of his mother 's clothing and personal belongings to cover medicine costs . Nothing is left to remind them of her - except for the house itself . There 's no way he could let go of that . Pushing open the heavy doors , Nier left the bar . No jobs for today , and he still had no idea what to do for tomorrow . That line of thought depressed Nier . His bad mood only worsened on the way home when he saw a young mother pulling her children away , telling them to " not go there " . He was aware that the mothers in the village forbid their children from playing near his house . They feared that their children will be infected with Yonah 's Black Scrawl . Of course , everyone in the village knew that the Black Scrawl wasn 't contagious . That 's why they never went out of their way to avoid Nier , and interacted with him as they normally would . However , the villagers were still nervous . What if the Black Scrawl is actually contagious , but only rarely so ? Even if most people don 't get infected , maybe some people do get infected . As long as they remained in the dark about its cause , nothing could be set in stone . What little money he had went into Yonah 's medicine . He wanted to get by without buying food , and it should be possible with the fields his mother made when she was alive . Pulling out the wild grass and digging through the soil , he planted the small number of seeds he had gotten . Please let me make it , Nier prayed in his heart while running . He jumped over the broken fence with all his might , but immediately sunk down to his knees at the sight of his garden . The sprouts that just began to grow leaves were all withered . He heard that it 's not easy to grow plants on this piece of ground , but never thought that everything would wither simply because he to forgot to water them once . Now that he thought about it , his mother was ridiculously uptight about watering . Although she let Nier take care of the chickens , she forbade him to touch the fields . Even his mother had plenty of plants die on her before harvest . In the end , it was impossible for two children to live in this poor village alone . Maybe he really has to sell his house . There was nothing in his house that he could trade for money . . . Just as he believed himself to be on the brink of despair , a certain idea entered his mind . There 's still something he could sell . Yes , one last thing . He tried to stand up , but failed . He felt like a heavy weight was placed on him . He has to get home quickly , make food for Yonah , prepare for tomorrow . . . he thought of tons and tons of things he had to do , but still Nier could not move . " Someone wanted me to pick up some seashells . Apparently hens lay better eggs if you feed them that . She did say that it had to be crushed , but I wonder if chickens actually eat that . " That wasn 't a lie . He was glad that he talked to the hen - keeper 's wife yesterday . All of this is true . Still , Yonah didn 't let go of his sleeve yet . Maybe he talked too much . Nevertheless , he couldn 't stop . If he didn 't keep lying , he wouldn 't be able to hide it any longer , and Yonah would see through everything . Relief washed over him as he looked upon Yonah who looked down . She didn 't see through anything , she was just lonely . She probably remembered his absence half a year ago and became anxious . Seafront is far away . Moreover , he has to pass through the Shade infested southern plains , so he has to move while the sun is bright . It 's impossible to make it back within the day no matter how much he rushed . Turning his back on the worried Yonah , Nier closed the door behind him . He ran without looking back . He feared that if he stopped here , he wouldn 't be able to proceed . He ran till he was out of breath and stopped . By then he 's lost the village behind him . He walked on and controlled his breathing . He needed to keep his stamina - the Shades are quick . If he doesn 't spot them from a distance and run with all his might , he wouldn 't be able to escape them . The first time he went to Seafront to take care of business was half a year ago - to deliver an emergency letter to someone in the city , to buy tulip bulbs at the flower shop and natural rubber at the materials shop . Feeling anxious at leaving Yonah behind , he gradually put distance between him and the village . He saw the silhouette of a huge Shade from afar , and ran with all his might across the plains . His first view of the ocean was beautiful , but he immediately shut his mouth against the smell of fish that prevailed over the whole city . While he walked around , both his hair and skin became disgustingly sticky . The lady at the flower shop told him it was due to the wind from the sea . After buying the bulbs and materials , he walked into an area with huge houses . The paths were complicated , and the poor vision caused by the buildings only made it worse . He somehow delivered the letter , but he got lost on the way back . Is it due to the time ? Or do people here not like walking outside to begin with ? Nier couldn 't find anyone to ask for directions . He had no idea where he walked and how he walked there , and was left with no choice . Tired from all the walking , he took a rest before the front door of an unknown household . " What are you doing there ? " Maybe he 'll point me in the right way , Nier was relieved . That 's why he wasn 't alert when the man opened the door and came out . Even when asked whether he was alone or not , he nodded honestly . The man smiled . Nier began to back off , but the man grabbed his arm , covered his mouth and attempted to drag him inside his home . Nier tried to run but couldn 't move - the man was strong . " Don 't you want money ? " He whispered into Nier 's ear , giving him goosebumps . Nier used all his strength and flung away the man 's arm . The man laughed behind him . He ran with all his might , hoping to escape that voice . He ran and ran , and he was out of Seafront before he even realized it . The man 's voice still seemed to be following him , so Nier ran on . Luckily , not many villagers wanted things done in Seafront . Even if they did , they told him to do it at his convenience . Thanks to that , he forgot everything within the span of half a year - that unfortunate encounter , and the man 's laughter . However , here he was again . His footsteps naturally became heavier as Seafront loomed into his sight . He wished that he 'd get lost again , that he 'd never reach his destination . However , the house was close to the entrance . Ironically , he didn 't get lost this time . Now that he looked at it , it was a grand house . The man was probably wealthy . Hearing that laughter in his ears again , his feet shook . If he stepped in , he wouldn 't be able to go back . Yonah was his heart 's support during these five years . When he thought of what food to make her for tomorrow , he could avert his eyes from the anxiety for the future . When he was busy looking after her , he could forget his mother 's absence . The fact that he , as a child , was able to make it thus far is a testament to Yonah 's importance . " It 's for Yonah . " 7 Yonah was kept relatively healthy . With the pain lessened , she regained somewhat of an appetite , and could feed the chickens in the garden or go to the library . The coughs continued , but luckily she wasn 't coughing up blood . Yonah felt nervous when Nier went to Seafront every few days , but was otherwise content . That 's why he thought this was good enough . Even when he felt something slowly breaking within himself to cover for Yonah 's medicine costs . He made Yonah regain her smile . Even now , he 's protecting her like this . That 's fine . As long as that holds true , he could forgive himself . . . Nier walked with those thoughts filling his head . He was tired . He wanted to sleep without thinking of anything . That was always the case when he came back from Seafront . When was it . . . that the way back became harder to bear than the way forward ? He swatted away Devola 's hand before he even realized it . The moment she touched his hair , memories of last night replayed themselves in his mind . Devola would probably scold him if he doesn 't say anything , but he couldn 't bring himself to speak . Ever since he frequented Seafront , he hated people touching his hair . Not only that - he couldn 't stand his own hair touching his shoulders . He can 't help but remember . How the man roughly grabbed his hair , and what he was forced into after that . He tried to forget , but those experiences seem to have been deeply engraved within his five senses , and would revive at the most inopportune times to torment Nier . He thought about cutting his hair off , but he 'd probably be asked about that . He didn 't think he could respond properly , and he would definitely remember that man whenever asked . That 's why he merely tied it up so that it doesn 't touch his neck or shoulders . Devola made to pluck her instrument 's strings again , but remembered something at the last moment . " Popola called for you . Go see her before you go home . And . . . " Nier smiled noncommittally . Devola didn 't know anything . She was probably just worried at his tired state . If she knew , she wouldn 't care for him this much . She would probably look down on him as something filthy . He thought that Popola would say something similar , but he was wrong . Popola didn 't ask him how he as , nor did she tell him to " not push himself " . " There 's a job I want you to do . " He found salvation in her matter of fact tone . He preferred straightforwardness over worry and pity . " But it 's a very dangerous job . Should I even give this job to you . . . ? " He thought of the huge black Shade he saw on the southern plains . He probably couldn 't even stop its movements , much less defeat it . Still , the thought of rejecting this offer didn 't even cross his mind . Four people , including Nier . They 're supposed to exterminate the Shade 's den with just those numbers . There 's a high possibility that the Shades in the northern plains come from there . Luckily they 're all small ones , and a normal person could probably exterminate them successfully , or so Popola said . Popola seemed a lot more undecided than Nier was . As long as Shades are involved , his safety wasn 't guaranteed . He must be prepared to be injured , and if he ran out of luck , he could die . " But there 's no way I could leave this alone , right ? " Nier doubted his ears when he heard the amount . If he wanted to earn that much money , how many times would he have to drag himself to that man 's house ? How many times would he have to endure that kind of humiliation ? He was shocked at the difference in value between the pay for Shade slaying and his own body . Popola 's eyes weren 't filled with sadness or pain , nor were they filled with pity or sympathy . They were filled with another kind of darkness . Nier realized it when he saw those eyes . Popola , and maybe even Devola knew . How he earned enough money to buy the expensive medicine , and the price he had to pay . They knew , and that 's why he was referred to a high paying job despite its dangers . . . The moment his secrets were revealed , his face burnt with shame . At the same time , he was thankful for Devola and Popola who treated him no differently . Why did he even think that he would be looked down upon ? There 's no way that they would do it . How could he convince them to let him go with them ? He didn 't want to lose this opportune job . When Nier tried to stand his ground , a voice resounded . It 's the man from Seafront . Nier 's questions about his presence were answered the moment he saw the man 's sword . A large number of swords were on display in his house . He bought them all for collecting purposes , and all of them told of murder . People who have twisted sexual preferences have eccentric collections as well . The two men seemed to know the man from Seafront . Nier could tell from their conversation that they often met each other on jobs like these . The man probably took on Shade slaying jobs for a chance to put his collections to practice . His hatred of that man could not be put into words . However , it was thanks to his words that Nier was able to keep his job . How humiliating . It 's for Yonah 's sake , everything is to protect her . . . The man whispered in a deep voice that the other two couldn 't hope to catch . His voice and breath flowed into Nier 's ears like poison . Nier clenched his mouth tightly . Nier wanted to retie his hair as soon as possible , but he couldn 't do it . As he picked up the fallen hair tie , he realized that his hands were shaking uncontrollably . The Shade 's nest was near the mountain ranges in the plains . He knew that the twisting narrow paths led to a cave . It 's not far - fetched for sunlight fearing shades to take up residence there . As they came close to entering the mountain paths , his hands tightened with anxiety . This was the first time he held a sword since he went hunting for sheep with the village adults . Back then , he held a blunt sword to bludgeon the animals , but it 's different this time . Popola lent him an old sword from the library 's storage room for this job . Nier didn 't know what a sword looked like after cutting humans , but the moment he saw the darkly lit blade , he instinctively knew that it shed blood once . Despite being such a dangerous weapon , the sword felt natural in his hands . Almost as if it was waiting for him to pick it up . The man in the front turned his head . Now that he mentioned it , the air 's coldness and heaviness seem to foreshadow rain . However , the sky above is blue and unobstructed by any clouds . There 's still some distance before the cave . They increased their pace . Though there were no clouds , the weather could still change without warning . However , they thought wrong . What became worse wasn 't the weather , but their vision . The Shades weren 't confined to the caves , they could move anywhere as long as the sunlight was dim . The sun doesn 't shine that long on the mountain ranges to begin with . Narrow paths and frequent fogs provided great living conditions for the Shades . What he felt through the blade was blunt and heavy . He felt like he was killing a sheep - the moment he thought that , he saw crimson . He was showered in a warm fluid - it was blood . It stunk the same way as the black blood that Yonah coughed up . The first time he saw the Shade 's blood , Nier hesitated . Though the Shades look like mere shadows , cutting them feels like cutting animals , and they bleed crimson . However , they don 't leave a corpse when defeated . The Shades he slew became black mists and lost their shape - only a pile of crimson black blood remained . His question was quickly filed into the back of his mind . Now 's not the time for that . What the Shades lacked in size , they made up for in number . He couldn 't afford to think . He swung his sword as if in a trance , and repeatedly bathed in their shed blood . No matter how many he killed , black shadows kept appearing from the fog . Their silhouette strangely resembled that of a human . They have a head , they have limbs , they move while standing upright . . . After sometime , he couldn 't tell whether he was killing humans or not . Maybe he hasn 't been killing Shades , but humans all along ? Is this sticky crimson fluid human blood ? He saw familiar clothing in front of him . It was the man from Seafront . He was too focused on testing out his favorite sword , and took no heed of Nier 's presence . Maybe he himself had the same expression . He must 've been killing these Shades wearing the same expression as this man . Somewhere in his heart , he enjoyed slaughter . Three , four . . . he must 've been proud of himself for killing all these Shades . He had no idea how many Shades he slew . His head was still numb , and he couldn 't think straight . But he was confident that he took out most of them in this area . Nier breathed deeply , and went back the way he came . He didn 't suffer any major injuries , but scratches and bruises couldn 't be avoided . A numb pain filled his entire body . The Shades ' shed blood on his hands and feet dried up , and he felt strange whenever his movements tore into the blood . Maybe his sense of smell got used to it , but he must be stinking to the untrained nose . Eventually the fog dissipated from his vision , and he caught up with the two men . They 're the two who tried to chase Nier back in the northern gate . One of them was dragging his feet , and the other 's left arm was bent at a weird angle . I must 've been extremely lucky to get away with only these injuries , Nier thought after looking at them . They walked through the mountain paths and crossed the northern plains on high alert . They can 't afford to be attacked here , but luckily the sky was clear , and no Shades could be seen on the plains . Nier recalled the huge Shade he saw in the southern plains . It had limbs , and stood on its hind - legs as well . He called them " black monsters " when he was small . When he first saw the real thing , he thought that they were like shadows . But he never thought of them in connection to humans . He looked upon his blood stained hands . His palms dried in a dark crimson color . A color ambiguous about its nature , human blood or Shade blood . The man from Seafront was dead . He didn 't have to go to his house ever again . Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . 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About two hours from home , I stretched in the leather seat . I could see that my wife was reading a book . In the back seat , my young daughter was watching her DVD - or maybe she was sleeping . Her head was down so I couldn 't be sure . As I drove , I recognized the town names on the highway signs . Many years ago , during the summers while I attended college , I had worked in this area . One old billboard caught my eye . It had been painted on wood and obviously needed touching up a long time ago . Most of the words were still visible , though . I hadn 't thought about that place in years . I wondered if it was still there . Looking at the weathered sign , I made a decision . I pulled into the right hand lane and signaled to exit . My wife looked up from her book when she felt the van slowing down . " I used to work at a summer camp here back when I was in school , " I started to explain . " We just passed the sign . I want to see if the old place is still there . " Unlike the interstate , we were now bumping along a two lane highway . It looked like the road to a summer camp . About the only things that broke the expanse of trees on either side of the road were cow pastures . We were in low rolling hills now , north of the delta that formed much of south Louisiana . I strained to remember the way . It was slowly coming back to me from more than twenty years in the past . Through the tiny town , across the bridge , and … I missed the turn . I saw the aged sign as I passed it . Hitting the brakes , I looked behind me . No traffic in either direction way out here so I just backed up the minivan at high speed . Then a left turn and over the bridge . More woods , over a few hills and it was just before the end of the road . There wasn 't even a sign anymore at the road . It must have been knocked down years ago . I recognized the clearing though , the old gravel parking lot . I remembered how dusty it would be on hot , dry Sunday afternoons . There was a rusty bar chained across the road into the camp so I parked . I laughed to myself as I automatically parked neatly in what would have once been one of the spaces . It wasn 't like there were going to be any cars parking next to me . By the look of things , there hadn 't been cars parking here in years . I looked around . So much had changed . Things were overgrown , definitely not the carefully manicured grounds I remembered . Over the gate , a rusting arch still proclaimed the name . I walked around the gate and led the way . At first , I didn 't recognize things . It had been so long and everything looked so different now . Then , the road passed the old Quonset hut . The curved sheets of tin were no longer silver . Now they were more the color of rust , the window panes grimy with decades of filth . " No , dear . That is where the tractor slept , " I explained . " It was a tool shed . Old Mr . Higgins kept his tools in there . He was the groundskeeper . " " Relax . Enjoy the outdoors , " I said as we moved out from under the trees and into the opening . It took me a little while of looking around to get my bearings . Then it hit me , like a cloth was lifted from my eyes . A wave of disjointed memories suddenly flooded my mind , making me dizzy as I tried to sort them out . The memories were of places , people , events - some happy and some sad . I wondered what had happened to people I had known … and loved . That brick building was the dining hall . Farther to the right , through those trees , was the swimming pool . The health lodge would have been about halfway there . The flagpole was in the center of that clearing , where we assembled to recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning . The bunkhouses must be - I walked towards the missing wall , feeling disoriented . The dining hall seemed smaller than I remembered . I felt a step up . Pushing leaves away with my foot , I could see the remains of an old tile floor . Of course ! Part of the building had collapsed . What was still standing was just one end of the building . I walked under the edge of the remaining roof , towards the fireplace and the engraved stone . I looked around , the strong memory giving me a feeling like vertigo for a moment . I was just about right here when I met her … We filed into the dining hall , the warm summer air not yet feeling stuffy . It was time for the nine o ' clock meeting and Bill was already at the front of the room . I looked around as I took my seat , recognizing old faces and nodding to them , looking at the new ones , noticing the new cute girls . " Come on in and take a seat , " Bill said with a smile , indicating empty benches to the obviously disoriented first year counselors . You could tell them by the slightly confused looks on their faces . This was all overwhelming the first time . Once everyone was seated , Bill began his usual speech . " Welcome to Camp Kisatchie . We 're looking forward to a great summer this year . We 're booked up for the entire season again so we 'll be busy into August . " Pointing to Phil , he continued , " For those of you with us for the first time , see Phil later to get your assignments . Most of you will be assigned in groups of twos to a bunkhouse , except for the cook staff and the health lodge staff . " We 've already had a few mishaps . What 's a summer at Camp Kisatchie without some disasters , right ? " Laughter rippled through the room as the experienced counselors remembered past years . Bill always managed to pull things back together , though . His motto was always We 'll be alright . " Alice , our staff nurse , will be a few days late . She was in an automobile accident on her way here . " Murmurs arose . " She 's okay , but it will take a day or two to get her car drivable . So nobody gets hurt until she gets here , agreed ? " " Two of our more experienced counselors won 't be joining us . Helen is , uh … " Bill paused to consider the best way to phrase her condition . Bill 's face showed his shock at the outburst . Then , remembering there were no kids present , he smiled . " I was going to say , ' In the family way , ' but that about covers it . Also , Theresa called to say she 's attending summer school this year . That means we have two new counselors who will have to handle a bunkhouse by themselves . Please , everyone , give them a hand , " Bill said as he pointed to a blonde and a brunette sitting together at one end of the room . Then , to the two women , " I need to talk with you after the meeting . " He went on about how the camp was laid out and how it was run . He reminded us about being big brothers and sisters to the campers . He warned us about not smoking in front of the campers , not drinking while camp was in session , not forming romantic relationships with the campers , the usual warnings . He explained how the campers arrive on Sunday afternoon and leave on Friday . Our free time is Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon . The usual stuff . I had heard it all two times before . My mind wandered as I looked over the new staff members . I paid enough attention to hear that nothing had changed which would affect me . After two hours of talking , Bill was dismissing us to move into our accommodations and check out where we 'd be working . I stood up and headed for a door as I noticed someone from the cook staff corralling him with a clipboard . They were having a heated discussion . " I have a problem with the food deliveries that I have to attend to . Can you talk to the new female counselors ? The standard lecture about the younger girls ? " I groaned . That was Alice 's job , or his if she wasn 't available , one no one wanted to deal with . I could tell from the look on his face that whatever he had to deal with was even less pleasant . Once again , I was in the wrong place at the wrong time , being one of the more experienced counselors . I really didn 't want to do this , but I liked to help Bill when I could . A fireplace here . How ridiculous . It dated back to the early days of the camp , when there was a winter camp as well . As I headed over to the table , I saw one bright spot . They were the cute blonde and brunette I had been admiring earlier , both looking about twenty . College students , like me , out to make a little extra money over the summer , probably . The blonde laughed . Seeing my confused expression , she pointed to my shirt . " We already know your name . It 's on your shirt . Counselor Tim . " " Bill normally talks to the new counselors but he had to take care of a problem . He asked me to do it . " I couldn 't believe I was going to do this . " Yeah . Well , there 's this , uh , there 's one , one , uh , problem we have with this group every summer . " I took a deep breath . I hated having to explain this . I felt really uncomfortable with it . One of the female counselors should be doing this , not me . " There are always a few , a few girls who have their first , uh , " I was starting to sweat and it wasn 't the heat , " uh , period , when they 're here with us . " There , I 'd said it . Abby blushed furiously . Patrice was trying to not look as uncomfortable as she must have felt . " It never fails that one or two of them haven 't had , you know , the talk with their mothers yet . " " What usually happens always seems to happen at night . There will be maybe , uhm , a blood curdling scream , uh , from the bathroom … during the night . It 's your job to take her aside and , well , explain the facts of life to her . " " Sorry , I 'm not . The poor dear will be scared half to death , thinking she 's dying or something . What works best , I 'm told , is to gather up a change of clothes for her and take her over to the health lodge . You can help her get cleaned up and Alice will help you explain what 's happening to her . We keep extra , you know , supplies there . " " I think I am . It 's not easy to talk about . Bill wants you to be prepared . You should get , uh , familiar with the way to the health lodge . You should be able to find your way there in the dark . " " Yes , I 'm happy to say , " I replied as I took a deep cleansing breath . I felt more confident with that behind me . " Except for that , this is a great job . You 'll make sure the girls get up in the morning , take them to their activities , get them to meals , and see that they shower and get to bed at night . You 'll have some of the younger girls . They 're still sweet and happy . It 's the older ones who are so … difficult . You will also alternate weeks teaching an activity . One week , Abby will teach and Patrice will take the girls to their activities , the next week you 'll switch . " " We also do an overnight canoe trip each week for the older kids . Brian is in charge of that . You 're expected to volunteer once or twice during the summer to chaperone . Everybody does it and it 's really fun . " " We 're free from Friday afternoon when the kids leave until the next group arrives on Sunday . Most of us stay here , but you can go home if you live nearby . Are either of you from around here ? " " Oh . We get a few counselors from far away . I remember my first summer . There was this guy from some little bitty town in Indiana no one had ever heard of . Scipio , I think it was , " I remembered . I nodded . " There are lots of things to do here . There 's a picture show in the town , some of us go canoeing or swimming , or just relax . It 's nice to not have to look after campers for a few days . " I felt a pang in my heart when she said that . I was starting to like Patrice a lot already . Abby was pretty , too , but there was something about Patrice . I only hoped she felt something , too . I showed them to their bunkhouse . It was like all the others . Bunk beds on each side of a large room . Next to the door was the private bedroom the two counselors would share , and the door leading to a bathroom at the other end of the big room . I turned on the big electric fans and we all started opening windows . " A truck is going to come around with the mattresses . We 'll help you move them in and put them on the beds . The kids will get their own linens from the supply room behind the dining hall and make their beds when they arrive each week , but you need to go pick up yours today . After you get your things moved in , I mean . It won 't take long to get things setup . Lunch is at twelve in the dining hall . They blow a siren when it 's time . We have another meeting after lunch to explain the activities you 'll be working on . " " If you girls need anything , I 'm in bunkhouse 4B , a little further down the road . Oh , yes , there 's a map in your packets . See you at lunch , " I told them as I left . " This way , " I pointed and started off , taking her by the hand . My wife followed along , looking bored . Well , maybe not bored , but uncomfortable . " Uncomfortable , " I thought , as I turned over again . The night was especially hot . Even though the fans were on and the windows were open , it just wasn 't enough . I kept waking up from the heat . It always happens at night . True to my word , it happened a few weeks into the summer . A distant scream pierced the night . I sat up , but then realized what it probably was . Why do these things always have to happen at night ? Jim was still sleeping . I knew the girls would have to find their way in the dark . I couldn 't sleep so I decided I might as well go help them find their way . I saw the light on in their bedroom as I approached from the road . As I got closer , I ran into Anne from the bunkhouse next door to 3G . She smiled when she saw me . We both knew what had happened . Inside , I could hear people moving around . I could hear Abby 's voice trying to get some of the other girls to go back to sleep and I could also hear the girl sobbing . Poor thing . Anne and I waited outside the door . In a moment , Patrice and Abby came out with the young girl between them . It was Francis and she looked frightened in the moonlight . Abby was carrying some clothes . I knew the routine . We didn 't talk , more for the girl 's sake . It wasn 't a long walk and I walked ahead of the girls to give them their space , more for the benefit of Francis . When we got to the health lodge , the front porch light was on , as it always was at night . We went right in but I stayed just inside the door , enjoying the cool air . The health lodge was one of the few places that was air conditioned . It was where the sick campers were taken . Minor illnesses were usually treated with an overnight stay in the air conditioned comfort of the few beds there , under the watchful eye of the camp nurse . Alice came out of her room , looking as sleepy as the rest of us . She made a special effort to smile when she recognized the situation . I didn 't feel nearly as comfortable being alone with Abby . We had gotten to know each other because we worked together , and because I was spending so much time with Patrice , but Abby wasn 't as outgoing as Patrice . She was just starting to open up to me , but it was slow . " No , dear . This was the first aid station . It was where you went if you got sick , " I explained . I realized that I had walked right past my bunkhouse . Turning around , I led the way back . The door was unlocked but the outside needed paint really badly . We entered the stuffy room , finding the place much as I remembered . I showed them where my room was and explained to my daughter how the kids ' bunks had been arranged . " It 's not that I don 't want to , Tim . It 's just that it 's my first time , you know ? " Patrice said . I could hear the crickets outside the window . It was late but I didn 't have to worry . I had talked Jim into giving me the room for the whole night . He went on an overnight canoe trip with some of the other counselors . I was anxious to have sex with Patrice . We had been seeing each other for a few weeks , though we only really got together for weekends . During the week , we had to keep our relationship chaste for the benefit of the campers . I had even borrowed a rubber from Jim , before I had a chance to go into town and get my own box . I was ready , but I really cared about Patrice . I didn 't want to just get into her pants . With her , it was more . I didn 't want to rush her . A girl 's first time was special . She had to feel right about it . I just hoped she started feeling right soon . I sat on my bed and she sat gingerly next to me . She put one hand on the sheet , smoothing it and feeling the texture . I reached out and touched my fingers to her chin , reveling in the softness of her face . I turned her face to mine . Her eyes closed but I could see the indecision in her expression . She wanted to yet she didn 't . I leaned forward and pressed my lips to hers . We both took a deep breath as we started to kiss . We had kissed before . We had even touched each other . We just hadn 't done it before . The big it . Patrice said the time wasn 't right and I had waited . " I know we do . I 'm just not sure I 'm ready to take the next step . Maybe it will be tonight . I just need a little time . " My heart was touched by her words . I wanted her , but I wanted her to want it , too . My body was demanding something but my heart needed her to lead . Yes , it meant a lot to be her first but she had to want me to be her first . It wouldn 't be worthwhile if she regretted her decision in the morning . I kissed her , being especially careful not to move her . Patrice pulled her lips from mine . When I didn 't move , she sighed as she picked up my hand and placed it on her breast , right over the camp logo . I pressed my hand into her firm softness , feeling the t - shirt material . As I squeezed , I felt the plastic nametag with my fingertips . Then , my eyes widened . " I have everything else on , " she assured me . " I thought you 'd like discovering that , though . I can 't believe it took you so long to figure it out . " I put my other hand on the other one . I could easily feel her nipples hardening under my touch . My dick , which had been semi - hard all night , stirred . " Well , dear , it 's winter and the pool isn 't being used . The camp looks like it 's not open anymore so they probably haven 't taken care of the pool in a long time . This is what happens to a pool when you don 't take care of it . " I nodded , trying to look interested . In reality , I was hoping to run into Patrice . I wanted another chance to talk to her before the campers started arriving . They were due right after lunch . About that time , I heard , " Hi , Tim . " I knew that voice . My pulse quickened at the sound but I was also relieved to have an excuse to leave . " Hi , Patrice , " I said , turning to the sound . " Oh , hi , Abby , " I added . " I 'm going to head back to the bunkhouses . See you around , Harold . " In reality , I wasn 't as cool as I was trying to appear . I really wanted to make a good impression on Patrice . I liked her and I wanted to get to know her better . I was looking forward to a summer spending a lot of time with her . I hoped she felt the same way about me . I couldn 't really tell yet if she did . She was friendly towards me , but so was Abby ( though a little more distant ) . I wanted there to be more than friendship between the two of us . On the walk to her bunkhouse , Patrice didn 't say anything . I wondered at first if she wanted to have a private talk with me because she was unhappy about something . I couldn 't think of anything I might have done yet . Maybe she just didn 't feel the same way about me as I did about her . That would really put a damper on my summer . We walked into their bunkhouse and Patrice led the way to her bedroom . I followed along behind , anxious to see what she wanted help with . She turned around once we were inside her bedroom and she gave me a shy smile . I smiled back , unsure of what was happening . I knew what I was hoping for but I could still see other outcomes . Patrice stepped up to me and slowly put her arms around my neck . I drew in a deep breath as I felt her arms touching me . I had dreams like this about her . When she spoke , she did so softly . I knew what she was referring to - The campers would arrive soon . It was looking like my fantasy was coming true so I put my arms around her waist and she didn 't pull away . My heart pounded and I started to sweat a little more . She just shook her head , her smile brightening . I took a chance , hoping I was reading the clues correctly . She had just met me on Friday , after all . That was enough time for her to capture my heart , but I wasn 't sure if I had been having the same effect on her . I tilted my head to the side , closed my eyes , and pressed my lips to hers . I felt her arms tighten around my neck , pulling us closer together . My heart melted as I realized she wasn 't pushing me away . I pressed my tongue through my lips . I touched her lips and felt them part , allowing me into her mouth . As my tongue entered her mouth , I heard her moan . I held onto her more tightly , feeling her breasts crush against my chest . I could feel both of our hearts pounding . It seemed like we kissed for only a moment - it seemed like we kissed for hours . I felt the delicate touch of her body against my chest , the softness of her hair against the sides of my face , her arms around my neck , the exhilarating feel of having my tongue inside her mouth . We shared a closeness we had not shared up to that time . It was the first really physical closeness we shared . I would relive that moment again and again in the future . A siren pierced the peace , intruding on our private world . Patrice jumped and I actually groaned in frustration as we parted , both of us knowing we had to leave . Patrice gave a cute little laugh . I looked at her , the realization only just hitting me . She felt the same way about me that I felt about her ! I reached out with one hand , caressing her cheek with my palm . I looked around as we emerged , seeing the world in a different way . I was still holding her hand , very conscious of the feel of her hand in mine , and it was like the colors of the world had been turned up four notches . Things were brighter , more vibrant . I was experiencing life more thoroughly now . I was falling for Patrice . The best part about that was she was feeling the same thing . A happiness gripped me and held on tight . It surged through my very being . I finally caught on that the two of them had planned that private time . My heart leapt when the realization hit me . I looked sidelong at Patrice and smiled a little more as I thought about what that meant . When we finished lunch , we all went to the parking lot where the first week 's worth of campers were just starting to arrive . We helped them unload and get to their assigned bunkhouses . The arrival was mass confusion , but our job was to help the campers feel reassured and to make the activity look to their parents more orderly than it was . There were kids who were anxious to get started on this adventure . There were parents who were not especially eager to leave their children . There were young ones who looked positively terrified at the thought of being left here for the week . Joseph was one of the terrified ones . I picked him out right away and walked over . He was trying to look brave but was actually on the verge of tears . He was holding a duffle bag against his chest and talking with his mother , who was bending over so her face was right next to his . " You 're going to like this place , Joseph . Remember the brochure ? All the things we saw in there that you like to do ? " his mother was saying , trying to reassure him . " Hi , Joseph . I 'm Tim . I 'm one of the counselors . Let 's get your stuff moved in . Your last name wouldn 't be Harrison , would it ? " I knew the look . He was relieved that someone here knew his name , even though he had never seen that someone before in his life . Instead of grinning , I managed a pleasant smile . I knew the next few minutes would be critical . He looked nervous enough that what happened next would make the difference between a great week at camp and leaving today for home with his mother . " Then we 're in the same bunkhouse . " Turning to his mother , " Mrs . Harrison , I 'm Tim Barnes . I 'll be one of the two counselors in charge of Joseph 's bunkhouse . " I led the way , pacing myself so Joseph stayed at my side the entire time . Out of the corner of my eye , I could see his confidence building . I had won him over . " I saw it 's your first time here . Don 't worry . I 'll make sure you get it all figured out . You 're going to love it . It 's my third summer here . " I helped him pick out a bunk ( he preferred upper ) and locker . Some other kids were also moving in so I made sure they met Joseph . In a few minutes , he was absorbed into the group so I pulled his mother aside . I knew it was breaking her heart but I also knew Joseph was ready for her to go . He was already forming bonds with the other campers . I only hoped she didn 't try to kiss him in front of the other kids . To my surprise , Mrs . Harrison restrained herself and we left together . " Sure he is . It 's a new place and a new experience . My job is to make sure he has a great time . I promise I 'll call if he needs anything . " By then , we were back at the parking lot . Just before she got in her car , she looked back at me . I smiled and waved , and she left . Turning back to the task at hand , I rounded up more campers and escorted them to their bunkhouses . So many kids arrived like Joseph and left with greater independence , greater confidence . There were also so many mothers like Mrs . Harrison . It took most of the afternoon to get all the campers checked in and get their bedding squared away . I stayed so busy that I hardly got to notice Patrice when we passed each other . Jim and I got the boys settled in and unpacked in plenty of time . At the appointed hour , the horn sounded and we herded our charges to the dining hall where Bill held an orientation session for everyone right before dinner . Inside , we sat with our groups at assigned tables , where we 'd be eating all summer . The first night was intended to make a good impression on the new arrivals so dinner was pizza . The smells appealed to them all as they got comfortable . Bill called the room to order at his microphone and gave his usual welcoming speech . I knew the speech by heart so I passed the time watching each of the boys assigned to my bunkhouse . I was trying to assess their personalities . There were always the troublemakers , the shy ones you had to be sure didn 't get picked on , and the regular kids . The regulars had a good time wherever they were . Joseph had sat next to me . I took him to be one of the shy ones . He seemed to be forming a bond with me . I was determined that he would have a great week . After checking that the boys were behaving , I looked around for the Bunkhouse 3G table , where Patrice was sitting . I spotted her nearby . She and Abby were nervously trying to keep order . I smiled , remembering my first summer as a counselor here . I was so naïve , myself , that year . Abby happened to look up and saw me looking their way . She leaned over and said something to Patrice . Immediately , Patrice turned around and looked my way , gifting me with a bright smile . One of the girls sitting next to Abby caught on to what was taking place and whispered to the girl sitting next to her . They both looked at Patrice , chanting words I could only barely make out over the din . Patrice 's head snapped around , but not before Abby was already quieting the girls . When Abby looked my way again , she mouthed , " Sorry " to me as she made a sad face . I nodded and smiled back . Patrice had her back to me , but I was sure she was embarrassed . I looked down to see Joseph looking at me . His expression was … curious . I knew we were supposed to keep our personal relationships concealed from the campers , but I didn 't see any harm in being honest with Joseph . It would help build the bond between us . Kids like him need to feel they have something special . Joseph wrinkled his nose at my comment . I realized he probably didn 't understand what I meant by subjective . I explained , " I meant that everybody has their own idea of whether a certain girl is pretty . " He nodded and gave me a smile . I had made a friend . I reached over and tousled his hair . About that time , the pizza was being served , announced by cheers erupting throughout the room . Our places were already set with dishes . Staff from the kitchen brought out the food and set it in the middle of each table . I got up and assisted Jim in serving the meal . This would change starting with the next meal as the campers took turns setting and clearing the table , and serving the food . It was all part of the routine to teach them responsibility . Later , after dinner and the campfire , we were getting our campers settled in for the night . It was the usual routine , making sure everybody took a shower , brushed their teeth , and didn 't wander off before bedtime . Once all our boys were in bed , I turned off the lights in the main room and stuck my head in our bedroom . I gave the darkened main room a last look . Satisfied that everyone was in bed , I went out the screen door and sat on the concrete steps . Lights were going off in all the bunkhouses as the camp settled down for the night . As it got quieter , you could hear little sounds . There were crickets , but there were human sounds , too . It became so quiet in a few minutes that you could even just barely pick out distant whispered conversation . I smiled at that . Friendships were being formed , bonds that might last years , rekindled each summer as the kids returned . The friendships would change over the years as the kids grew up , but most friendships would survive . In time , as adults themselves they would look back fondly at the summers spent at Camp Kisatchie . I was enjoying the cool night air and the privacy of the darkness when I heard the sound of footsteps . Someone was walking through the grass , their feet making swishing sounds softer than the crunch of the gravel . I didn 't recognize the face but I knew the voice at once . I thought about my answer . I knew what I wanted to say but I wasn 't sure I should take the chance . I warred internally for a little while . Then , I decided I should go for it and take my chances . I answered her question . I was still holding her hand . I led her away from the bunkhouse , towards the trees . Standing in the shadows against the edge of the woods , where I knew we were all but invisible to anyone else , I pulled her by her waist to me . She gave no resistance , flowing against my body . We were both wearing shorts so I felt her legs against mine , one smooth leg moving between mine . I tightened one arm around her waist and felt her breasts crush against my chest . She made one of those sweet sounds only a young woman can make , and I felt my insides melting as she made it . With the other hand , I touched her face until my palm was against her cheek . In the very dim light , she looked up to my face expectantly . I pressed my lips to hers and closed my eyes . Her arms slowly slid around my neck and held us together even more tightly . I heard the crickets , smelled her shampoo , but really was only aware of the beating of our hearts . Knowing she couldn 't be gone long , we parted , holding each other in our arms and looking into each other 's eyes by the dim light . She was smiling . I held her to me , one quick hug , before letting her go . I watched her , seeing her look back at me twice before I lost sight of her in the darkness . With thoughts of Patrice in my head , I lumbered back to the bunkhouse and crawled into bed . If Jim was still awake , he never said a word . As I drifted off to sleep , I thought of her kiss , as gentle as the touch of a butterfly . " Yeah , butterflies . You know , the kind that fly around in summer . The kind that fly inside here , too , " she said , playfully touching my stomach . She turned to follow our daughter . I tagged along , walking towards the archery range at the far end of camp . The crunch of gravel under my feet was such a familiar sound . She caught up to me but then had to catch her breath . I waited and smiled . I was smiling a lot lately whenever I was around Patrice . I had only known her for three weeks , but she was becoming an important piece of my life . The most important piece . Patrice continued without appearing to notice my remarks . " He 's working a lot with his friend , on the houses . It sounds like the summer is going well for him , for his business . " She paused , pushing some gravel around with the tip of her shoe . I waited patiently . She had something to say , something she felt was very important . She took a really deep breath and slowly looked up to meet my gaze . She was taking her time about telling me something . I was trying my hardest to be patient . She broke eye contact and looked down as she said the next sentence . The last two words were spoken just above a whisper . She looked up to see my reaction . Now she began to speak faster , like she wanted to get this over with quickly . " It was hard to get her to talk about it at first . She 's kind of shy , even around me . I really wanted to know so I kept after her until she finally talked about it . I asked her what her first time was like . What to expect . Would it hurt ? Would I like it ? Would I know what to do ? " My heart was absolutely pounding as she said that . She didn 't need to continue . I knew what she was saying , what she was offering to me . I looked directly into her eyes . Nodding , her hair shining in the sun and bobbing as she did so , she said , " Yes . I think I 'm ready . How about Friday night ? " My mouth felt dry as I realized she was offering me the most precious gift a woman could offer a man . The gift she could only give once . I tried to answer but my mouth had gone dry . I swallowed hard . I put my arms around her , intending to kiss her deeply , intending to revel in the moment . The sound of approaching children made her push me away . She gave me a light peck on the cheek before stepping back , though . I stood there , watching her . The group of campers walked around me , surrounding me like a school of fish , and I just stood there watching her walk away as they followed her . Too late , I realized that I also had a group to meet . I came to my senses and ran to the shady spot where ten campers were starting to wonder where their instructor was . I tried to cover , making up a story about showing them how it felt to be lost in the woods without a guide . Their counselor made a face that showed me he wasn 't buying it . The kids , though , believed me . Joseph would have seen right through it . I wondered for a moment how he was doing . He had been back home for almost two weeks . I smiled as I remembered how confident he looked when his mother showed up to pick him up at the end of the week . She looked like she had missed him . He , however , looked like he was not ready to be going home . He did fine . On Friday , I couldn 't get rid of the campers fast enough . I knew we 'd still have to wait until the night , but I was anxious to be around Patrice , anticipating the night . I had to keep reminding myself to slow down and pay attention to each little one who hugged me or wished me well as he left . Even many of the girls came to tell me farewell , thanking me for what I had taught them about navigating the woods . At last , the campers were all gone and we were on our own until Sunday afternoon . We still had some straightening up to do but that would only take a few hours . Bill asked me to run an errand in town and I gladly did it , using the opportunity to drop by the local drugstore . It had taken a little convincing to get Jim to go on the canoe trip with the other counselors . I finally had to tell him what I wanted the room for . Once he knew , he just smiled and said , " No problem . " The afternoon crawled by . Abby had dinner with us in the dining hall . I could tell Patrice was a little anxious . I was nervous . Well , I was nervous and horny . Abby was there being supportive for Patrice . She was really being sweet . My mind drifted to those " exercises " she had been teaching Patrice . I would have loved to watch that scene . Patrice and I ate light . When we were done , the three of us got up and picked up our trays . Abby opened the screen door and stepped out into the evening . We followed her , holding hands . Patrice 's hand was just a little sweaty . I was trying not to tremble , with anticipation and fear . " Yes , " Patrice started as she turned to look at me . Looking around to see no one else was nearby , she continued . " I 'm going to take a shower first . I 'll meet you later at your place . " Patrice blushed and Abby looked away as if pretending she hadn 't heard me . When Patrice didn 't respond , Abby spoke up . She was trying to sound like the confident big sister but I could sense Abby 's discomfort . Patrice nodded . We set off to Bunkhouse 3G with Abby walking next to Patrice . Flanked by her best friend and me , Patrice seemed to relax a little . When Patrice went into their room to get her things , Abby grabbed me by the arm . I could tell she wanted to tell me something but it was difficult for her . Finally , she spoke in a whisper , avoiding my gaze as she spoke . " You know how nervous she is , right ? " she asked . I nodded . " Take it slow . She wants this a lot but she 's also scared . You 're her first . " " I know that , Abby . I also know I love Patrice . I want it to be special for her . I don 't want to hurt her . " I thought about what she had asked me . If it came to that , it wouldn 't be easy but I knew I 'd do the right thing . I nodded . Abby smiled . I took Patrice by the hand . I was pleased to find that her hand was no longer sweaty . I took her bag with the other hand and we set off for my room . It was just starting to get dark . |
I heard my best friend screamed over and over again , while I was laying there , half - dead , covered in a pool of blood , my blood . I heard footsteps coming towards my body ; I heard the sound of people whispering . Those whispering changed , now people are praising him , they were praising my friend who stab me . They praised him over and over again , and then the sounds started to go farther and farther away . Everything started going blurry . It seems that I am going to die soon . I exhaled , closing my eyes , accepting the bitter truth that my best friend killed me and was proud of it . " My , my , what do we have here ? Such a tragedy , " spoke a voice . I took every bit of power I have left and opened my eyes , to which I saw a man wearing all - black attire . I never knew that man ; I have never seen him before . He was dressed in clothing not from this era , he had a top hat and he wore a long black coat , he had a cane in one of his hand . He was very peculiar so to speak , but I could not care less , after all I am about to die . I started to close my eyes again , until he said , " I can give you another chance in life . I can help you get your revenge . Your friend that created this mess , do you not want to properly give your regards ? Besides , a woman submerged in her own blood , on a pavement is not how I imagine your death . " I opened my eyes and looked at him , he took my interest , but then again , I have to think about my choices . I could not clearly see what he was doing , but for a moment , I felt that he was smiling ; knowing he had took my interest . " I 'll give you your life back , if you do one thing for me . A small errand , it won 't be a hassle . " I took every bit of strength left and nodded , after all , what could be worse than this . In a beat , suddenly I was back . There was no pool of blood ; there was no stab wound ; there was only him and me . " Who are you ? " I said while still trying to catch my breath . It was all too surreal ; I was gasping for air and was inhaling my own blood before , and now suddenly I am back on my feet . " I would aspect you to thank me first , but no matter . I am a grim reaper . I am the one who should deliver people 's souls to the after world . You have a bright future in front of you , well not quite . In exchange for giving you your life back , I want you to kill a person , he or she has been sucking people 's life and our job has been hectic since then . " Well , I was shocked to say the least . A grim reaper was in front of me , he gave me my life back . " I 'll get in touch with you when I have the time . I would advise you to use your life very carefully . Until we meet again , " he bowed and then he disappeared , gone without a trace . A year has passed and everything seemed like it has gone back to normal . Except the fact that my previous best friend has completely forgotten me and I have to kill a person with strange ability , a person who could suck another person 's life force . My hatred towards my previous friend grew , as well as my curiosity with the reaper . After all , out of all the people on this earth , why must he choose me ? I was deep in my thought , until a voice distracted me . " What is in that mind of yours that is making you spill your tea ? " I quickly came back to my senses to see the reaper sitting in my kitchen chair . " Such a waste of good tea , what question do you have for me ? Perhaps you would like to know why I chose you , or maybe you would like to know something much more personal ? " he said , added with a smirk to his remark . I quickly took a rag from the sink to clean the floor . I was in a daze , and then I took a glance look at the reaper . I have never actually observed him before , now that I think about it , he was very handsome . " Staring is quite improper , you know . If you wish to figure me out , you could always just ask . " " What is the reason you chose me ? " I asked while trying to cover my flushed face . " It 's not just because I was the only one there that was needed a second chance , right ? " " Of course not , I chose you for a reason . Like any other reaper , I have my own way on dealing with problems . Usually , I would like a non - messy and fastest way possible , but since the problem is much bigger and fast is out of question , and I do not want make my hands dirty , I chose you . Us reaper has the ability to see the life people like yourself have lived , to me , you are one of the most interesting human I had ever lay my eyes to . " " About the one I am supposed to kill . You really have no idea how he or she looks like ? " I asked again . " No . None at all , every time reapers go to retrieve a soul from a body , the souls were already gone . No mere mortals could do that , and with that monster lurking around , let 's just say everything is not in their right place , " said the ripper ; I could see from him eyes , what kind of havoc the monster has created . His eyes showed a very deep hatred and anger , something I would never expect to see from the reaper 's face . My stomach churned , after all how could I , just a girl like me , be able to kill such a monster ? Posted in Chapter story , The Reaper 's Monster chapter storyTagged fiction , grim reaper , monster , reaper , revival , short story , stories , story , writer , writing , writings The Fox February 9 , 2017April 17 , 2017 mysketchywritingsLeave a comment Once upon a time there lived a fox that was in need of a friend . The fox lived under the apple tree near the river bank , there is a village near the river and he comes to the village every day to hunt for chickens . His life is very monotonous ; he hunts for chicken , and then the men hunts for him . One day when he was near the village looking for chickens , a girl approaches him . The girl has a long blonde hair , emerald colored eyes , and fair white skin . " Hi , I 'm Emily . Do you want to be my friend ? " asked the girl . " I can 't be your friend , I am wild " said the fox . " Of course you can . You can be tamed , " answered the girl . The fox looked at her in confusion , " What does tame means ? " " If I tame you , to me you will be different , not like any other foxes , I can tell it 's you from a single footstep , your voice will be like music to my ears . You will live in my memories and I will always remember you . Every time I pass the river bank I will always remember you since you live near here . To me you are going to be a very special fox and to you I will be a very special person " The fox looked at Emily , for a very long time . " Please tame me , " said the fox . " But , what will you do to tame me ? " continued the fox . " I must be patient . I will come to you and I will sit next to you for starters . I will teach you everything I know and I will open my heart to you . With that , you can trust me and with that I can finally tame you . " Emily came the next day and sit next to the fox in silence . " What are you doing ? " asked the fox . " I 'm trying to get used to you for now . It will be easier for me to tame you when I get used to you , " answered Emily . " Oh , " said the fox . Finally , the day comes when Emily tames the fox and also the day when Emily has to say goodbye to the fox . " Ah , " said the fox . " I 'm going to cry " " I 'm sorry , but my illness has worsened and I must move to the city with my mother to get medication . I will return to you when I am better , " said Emily . Looking at the sad fox , Emily continued , " What have you learned with the time we spend together ? " The fox remained silent and only looked at Emily . " I will tell you a secret of mine , but before that I want something to remember you by . I will tell you my secret when you have found something to give me . " The fox ran to look for something , but finds nothing . He saw many things along the way but not what he was looking for . So , he came back to Emily without anything . " I could not find anything for you , there is nothing important that I can give you , " said the fox . Emily smiled . " Here is my secret , it is very simple : Only with the heart that one can see rightly , what is essential is invisible to the eye . " " Why did you tell me your secret ? I did not give you anything , " said the fox . " The time I have lost with you is what makes you important . The best way to remember you by is with the stories we have made together , " answered Emily . " Goodbye , " said the fox . " Goodbye , " said Emily . Emily went away and she did not return and the fox went back to his past monotonous life . He did remember the time he spends with her , but that was all he could do . He did not try to look for a friend , he only waits , under the apple tree he waits , for someone to come look for him . He waited for Emily to return but she did not . Until one day , a boy walked passes the apple tree . The fox saw the boy and with the boy he saw an opportunity . It was then the fox appeared . " Good morning , " said the fox . Writer 's note : I made this one quite long ago before I made " mysketchywritings . " It 's inspired by The Little Prince . I love that book a lot and the fox too , so this is like the background story of the fox . Posted in short storyTagged fiction , short story , stories , story , the little prince , writer , writing , writings Forgotten Villain January 31 , 2017April 17 , 2017 mysketchywritingsLeave a comment She woke up in the middle of the night with a shadow monster on top of her with its talons around her neck . She tries to scream but it was useless , there was no one there , no one could help her . She looked around for something that could help her escape , but there was nothing . The grip around her neck starts to tighten and it started getting harder for her to breathe . ' What should I do ? What can I do ? ' she thought to herself . She started getting desperate , and so she took all the powers she had left and kicks the monster . Its grip started getting loose and she escaped , down the hall , to the basement where she stores her candles . She took one and lights it . Then , she took a couple more candles and sits in the corner of the room . The room suddenly went dim and she could see the shadow monster 's talon crawling on the walls . " What do you want ? " she asked . " Villains will never win you know , the hero will always win . You won 't win , so it 's better if we can clear things up now . You can 't go near me , I have a light with me , " she said bravely while stuttering . " Villain ? " a deep raspy voice , that sounded like it belonged to the monster reply . Suddenly , the whole room began to shake and the monster crawl faster to her than before . The monster was about 5 inches away from her . The light from the candle protected her . She tried to be brave and while shivering from fear she muttered , " You - you are the vi - villain , I will defeat you , li - like the hero I 'm raised to be . " Now , she was sure that voice belonged to the monster as it opened its mouth again , " Why should I be the villain ? ! You made me , you turned me to this , so why should I be the villain ? ! " its scream was filled with rage , pain , and agony , and it only made her feel more frightened to hear what the monster said . The room began to shake greatly and the walls started to crack . " I created you ? I never recall creating a monster . " Her reply only angered the monster more and more . Suddenly , the whole room turned dark and the only light left was the light on her hands . The surprises didn 't stop there . From the monster 's head a face emerges , and what she saw made her whimper in fear . " H - how , what is this trickery ? " she said , trying not to believe what she is seeing . " Trickery you say ? No , what you are seeing now is your own flesh and blood , your twin brother . Tell me sister , do you not remember me at all ? Me , who has always been one step behind you . Me , who became your shadow ever since birth . Me , who is always neglected , forgotten , because of you . I become like this is your fault . Your fault , " he screamed to her . His voice was filled with anger , misery , and a great deal of sadness . " I - I , I was born to be a hero , it is what I was told to do . I am a hero , I have trained , learned , and I went to a great deal of pain to become a hero just like they said . I am hero , " she said trying to prove herself . " What hero leaves a person to crumble into a monster ? Tell me . You 're no hero . What great deal of pain ? You have no idea what I have been through . What I have endured , what I have tried to do , when the darkness finally took its hold on me , what did you do ? Did you save me from getting consumed by darkness ? Did you save me from getting swallowed by the shadows ? Did you save me like the hero you said to be ? Did you ? ! " he screeches . " No . No , you didn 't save me . Do you know what you did ? " he continued . She shook her head saying that she does not know . She was trying to remember , not just that certain memory , she was trying to remember him , her brother , her younger brother who she was supposed to protect , but she does not remember at all , nothing reminded her of him , nothing triggered her memory of him . " When the shadows took me , you were the last thing that I saw . You were standing outside with mother and father ; you got your hero license and everything . They were praising you . Did you know what I did ? I screamed for you . I called you multiple times . I begged you to save me like the hero you said you are . That was when I realized . You are not going to come to help me . Do you know what I think ? You are no hero . At least not to me , " Her facial expression when she heard what he said was a mix of guilt and sadness . She couldn 't save her brother . Not only that , her brother stopped seeing her as the hero she is . The world 's view made her so blind that she could not save the one person who is supposed to be the most important person in her life . " I - I didn 't know , I - I don 't , I 'm sorry , " she said whimpering . " Sorry ? Did you think your apology will solve everything ? Did you think saying sorry will make the shadow disappear ? The shadow took everything from me . My life , all my life now , I can only see from behind , I can only see darkness . Do you know what it 's like being in the dark for a long time ? Do you ? ! " " I 'm sorry . I 'm so sorry , " she said begging to her furious brother . She was crying , she couldn 't hold her emotions together . " You know what sister ? You said the hero will always win in a story . You said that when we were little too . But , you know what ? I don 't think you 'll win , sister . This is my story , and in here , you are the villain . Just like you said sister , the villain will never win , " as he said this , the light of the candle she was holding dies , and he swallowed her in his shadows , where they will be together in the darkness , where all the lost and forgotten live in tremendous pain and suffering . Posted in short storyTagged fiction , hero , monster , sad , shadow , short story , stories , story , tragedy , villain , writer , writing , writings I see you ( part 2 ) January 29 , 2017April 17 , 2017 mysketchywritingsLeave a comment Previously on chapter 1 : " Why ? Because , I love you . Is it really that questionable ? Do you want to know how I fell in love with you ? " he asked again . She nodded . Not that she wants to know , but anything to keep him talking and postponing her end . There was a silence for what seemed like an eternity , her heart beats so fast and she was sure he could hear her heartbeat . Then , he started to open his mouth , " I am really shy , you know . I need to gather my courage just to see you like this . " After he said that , suddenly her phone rang again . It was Michael ; he was worried with Emily 's wellbeing . She could see that he was displeased by Michael 's calls . " Let me answer it , he will be very worried , " she said pleading . But , he does not reply her plea . He glanced at her for a moment , and then he took her phone , opens it , and sends a message to her boyfriend . ' It isn 't a surprise that he knows my password already , ' she thought to herself . " Where were we ? Oh , right , you might not remember me , you were very young when it happen , " he said slowly . She was trembling when she heard what he said ; the thought that this man has been following her since she was young is very frightening . Seeing her frightened , he approached her slowly and took her hand . She jumped at the sudden action . " Don 't be afraid , it 'll be better if you sit on your bed . You always loved bed time stories , don 't you ? " with a warm yet frightening smile ; he took her to her bed and covers her in her blanket . By this time , she could only do as he says , if not , there 's no telling what will happen to her . He has murdered people in cold blood ; there is no telling what he can do to her . " Now , can I continue ? " he said with a very sweet voice , although sweet , it brings goosebumps in the back of her neck . She nodded , " I am very shy and when I was younger , people were not very fond of me and no one wanted to play with me , well not so different now . I am used to just watching people play and sit on the bench alone , just watching them in silence . " " Have you not tried playing with them ? " she asked . Sometimes curiosity just gotten the best of her , and she dreaded her curious mind every time it appears in the worst possible timing . " Your curious mind , it 's always cute when you are curious , " he said a smile on his face . His smile brought a mix of terror and warmth . " To answer your question , not really , they won 't accept me , and the thought of that was quite devastating , " he replied . " It 's always like that , me watching , until one day you suddenly came to me . People are usually afraid of me and don 't bother to try and talk me . They always think of me as a weirdo , but you came to me one day . You gave me a flower and sit next to me . You stated your name , and try to talk to me , simple things , something little girls question . You could not stop talking and I remembered how you said talking with me is fun . Then , it was starting to get late and your babysitter called you to come and go back home . I went back to my own home . It was terrible , really terrible and I guess at that time I finally realized that no one likes me , other than you . I started searching for you , started to get to know you better . As you know I am very shy and the thought of talking to you again , if you hate me , I just can 't live with that . I send little presents at first , and you didn 't look very happy with that . I then started sending you better presents . But , I guess you didn 't like them , so I gave you even better ones , the ones that are closer to the heart . " She was terrified at this point . ' He thought that I didn 't like it because it wasn 't enough ? What is wrong with his thinking ? ' she thought to herself . " But , you killed people , that is wrong , " she said shuttering . " Kill people ? I didn 't kill them . They killed themselves really , " he said . " I only borrow their limbs , " he continued . ' He sounds like someone who doesn 't feel guilty at all , never mind guilty , he sounded like what he was doing wasn 't wrong , ' she thought again . She thought her life will end shorter than she thought , so she tried to speak to him , question him to at least until she can think of a way to escape . " Tell me about yourself , you know me but I don 't know you at all , " she said while trying to control her voice . " About me ? No one has ever asked me to tell them about me . You are the only one , " he said smiling , his expression a mixed of happiness , sadness , and madness . He went and touch her hair and when he was about to speak , suddenly Emily 's phone rang again . She looked at her phone , trying to see who was calling her . It was Michael . She tries to look at the face of the man who took her hostage . He looked displeased , and angered . ' What is Michael thinking ? Oh dear God , I can 't let Michael get into this mess . I thought he already sent a message to Michael . Think , Emily , think . " You don 't need to reply him , " she said bravely . " Tell me more about you . Your name , anything , " she continued . He changes his gaze from her phone to her . He looks calmer now ; his angered expression was no more . " Waels , my name is Waels , " he said . Then , he opens his mouth again , " I don 't give my name to anyone , especially my real name , although , just like you , I too have changed my name . I hate my previous name ; it brings a lot of bad memories , but I think it 's better for you to know my birth name , maybe I 'll start liking the name if you know me by Waels . " " W - Waels , okay , tell me more , about you , your life . " " My life hmm , it 's quite boring really , you 'll get bored listening to it , but , I guess if you want , I 'll tell you , " he said while looking at her . She nodded and so he continued . " I wasn 't born in a perfect family . In fact , it was far from perfect . Ah , it 's really hard to talk about this , I left them already and I do not wish to talk about them , " he said sadly . He looked at her who was trying to listen to him . " Story for another time ? " he said . " It 's getting really late , so why don 't you sleep now , " he said while stroking her hair . Just as he was about to fix and cover her in her blanket , there was a knock on the door . " Nathania , are you okay ? Open the door , Nathania , " a voice called . The person outside of the door sounded worried , and the voice that calls to her was none other than Michael . On the other side of the door , standing outside of harm 's way is Emily 's boyfriend . ' Oh , no , Michael , why is he here ? Oh , he 's going to get himself killed , what should I do ? ' Emily thought to herself , just as she was thinking about a way to save Michael . " Ah , it seems you have company , Emily . Someone is here to see you , " he said while standing up from the sofa . Posted in Chapter story , I See You chapter storyTagged fiction , short story , stalker , stalking , story , tragedy , writer , writing Crooked Wings ( part 1 ) January 22 , 2017April 17 , 2017 mysketchywritingsLeave a comment " You are no angel , " teased her friend . " I am , I am , I truly am . Or at least I think I am , " she answered trying to convince her friends . " Then , you should stop hanging out or likings those damned demons , " replied another one . " Those creatures only bring sadness and disturbance . We are not supposed to be associated with them at all . " " One of these days , you 'll lose your wings and fall to hell , if you keep looking at them intently , like you do now . " They all laughed together and from the earth you can see the stars twinkling in the sky as the angels laughed . " But , are you not sad ? They suffer so much , " she asked , a sympathetic look on her face . " Have you gone mad ? ! They got what they deserved . After what they did , they got what was coming to them , " the others answered . Looking like there is no point in continuing the fight , she sighed , and then she flew away to her favorite place , a place where she can see everything , a place where she can see the good and the bad living harmoniously . From above the clouds , where the angels play , she looks to the lives down below her . She saw demons trying to pull mischievous pranks on humans , angels trying to stop people from doing bad things , all the animals , and all the humans , and also all the plants living upon the earth . " Do they really get what they deserved ? I read the bible of course but really ? " she was lost in her thoughts , when suddenly , she got an idea . Her idea was reckless and could go wrong in so many ways , but she was not like any other angels , and her curiosity only grew bigger and bigger . The next morning , she preceded her plan , she change herself into a human for the day . She saw humans , good and bad , kind and rude , and she felt more alive than she was before . " Now , to find a demon , " she thought to herself . Angels and demons should not be associated , it is a law followed by all , and if the two loved each other , chaos will happen . She walked to city , looking at the people walking around , when suddenly she stumbled upon a stranger . She fell and looked up to the stranger , a young man probably the same age as her form now . The man has black hair and pale skin , but when they 're eyes met each other , she just saw a charm that not most people can see . " Ah , I 'm sorry , " she said while trying to get up . Then , he put out his hand to help her get up . " It 's alright , " he said . He has a soft voice , a voice that can just lure you away . " This might be him , the others always told me that demons are not like what they seem , demons can be handsome , and demons can be very alluring and might seem nice . It 's to lure people , to lure people into doing bad deeds , " she thought to herself and then she said to him with a smile on her face , " May I offer you to some foods ? " a silence hit for a few seconds until he opened his mouth and replied , " are you asking me out on a date ? Normally , you don 't ask people you meet on the streets on a date , but I guess I am free now since I don 't have anything to do . " Her time is very limited , for she can only spend a day as a human , so how can she gain information , without tipping him off that she is an angel ? " Can I ask you a question ? " she asked . " Of course , " he replied while reading the menu card . " What do you think about demons ? " " Demons ? That is a weird thing to ask , but hmm . . They are evil creatures who should be punished . " She was quite disappointed with the answer , until he continued , " but , in my opinion , they were never given a second chance , if they were given a second chance , a chance to love humans , everything might change for the better . I heard somewhere that angels pray for those who has sinned , but have they prayed for the sinner who needed it the most ? " as she tries to understand his statement , he asked a question , " how about you ? Do you think demons are evil creatures ? " " Yes , they are evil , but I think there might be some good in them , after all demons were once angels . I guess it 's because I believe that everything has good in it , no matter how evil they are , there must be good . I mean Lucifer was a fallen angel right ? There was good in him and there might still be good in him somewhere . As so do all the other demons , there must still be good in them somewhere , " she answered quite proud with herself . After that , their food came and then they spent the entire evening together , until the time has come for her to go back to her own place . " Thank you for the lovely evening , I had fun , " she answered with a smile . " You 're welcome . I had a lovely time as well . " She flew back to her place only to find her two best friends waiting for her , " Where have you been all day ? " asked one of them . " Did you seriously tried to get close to a demon ? It 's forbidden you know that . I knew you were a risk taker but this is getting out of control , " said the other one . " It 's really not what you think . I only spent a day on earth . I met a boy , who I have no idea if he was a demon , an angel or a human . We talked and then I got back here , " she said in her defense . " You interacted with someone ? ! Who you had no idea who it is ? ! Really , I thought you were better than that , " said one of her friends hysterically . " Do you want to become like one of the fallen ? You know their story . You also have heard what happened with the two lovers . You will only get misery , if you fall for a demon , " said the other one while trying to calm down her friend . The two lovers is a tale about how an angel fell in love with a demon . It 's a sad story with a tragic end . About an angel who wanted freedom and a demon who seeks peace , who fell in love with each other even though it 's forbidden . They both got exiled by their own kind . In the end the demon could not stand being exiled and tore the angel 's wings and come back to her kind . The angel tried to make her stay and said he would forgive her , but she could not stand being a cast out . The angel heart broken and all alone , walk on earth trying to find his peace once more . He was never seen again , some angels said he grew his wings back and returned , some says he still wanders and still seeking for peace , and some says he now live in a cave where no light can shine through and trapped himself there for eternity . " That is not going to happen to me . I am not in love with demons , I sympathized them , but I don 't love them , " she said , trying to ensure her friends from thinking the worst possibilities . But , she did not know what was coming to her , she did not know that her words are going to come back to her and bite her . She did not know what will happen next and what the future holds with that mysterious young man . Posted in Chapter story , Crooked Wings chapter storyTagged angel , demon , fiction , short story , story , writer , writing Lover 's arrow January 21 , 2017April 17 , 2017 mysketchywritingsLeave a comment I finally win . After everything I 've been through . I finally won . I took the key and opened the door . Inside , a black box containing the thing everyone wanted . I sit at the corner holding the box and slowly opening it . Finally , after all the hardships I have been through . I took a deep breath and close my eyes , trying to remember everything I 've been through . Ah . That 's right . Oh , poor dear Kathrine . But , she could not escape the inevitable . That boy , the protector had a special gift . I just recently heard about his gift . Apparently , he was given a mystic bow when he was 18 . I have heard about this mystic bow from rumors on the streets . It is said that the mystic bow will kill whoever is destined to kill you , three seconds before they do . What a mighty weapon indeed . But , I guess that weapon is really useless , judging from the event that has happened . Ah , I hope Kathrine is happy out there somewhere . She can now be with him now and forever . I saw it , how it all ended . Their story could almost bring me to tears . Tragic indeed , a love story between an assassin and the protector of the most rare and wanted elixir . She met him three years ago on a mission . She was told to keep an eye on him and search for the key . She did as she was told , but she did more than that . " Jack is special . He is very kind and nice . Everything I wasn 't , " she said to me . She had fallen for him , and if I could say so myself , they were a perfect pair . After so much misery in her life , after all she has been through ; she was finally able to smile . She even wanted to quit her job because of him , but that 's not right , she was paid and she has to finish her job . After all , what would happen to her younger brother , if she doesn 't finish her job ? The young brother she provides through her time and money being an assassin . Ah , but love is a very strong force ; she couldn 't bring herself to kill him in the end . " All you need is the key after all , killing him is not needed . " Of course , that is true . The key is the most important thing . So , I kept watching them . Jack looks like he really is fond of Kathrine . He always wanted to make her smile . How long has it been since then ? I guess two years after all that , he finally got on his knee and propose . It was such a lovely proposal as well . " For so long , I have been alone for a very long time . No one wants to approach me because of the power I have and the thing I protect . People who tried to approach me , all tried to kill me or get something from me . " Ah , I bet at this time , she must have felt guilty ; she tried to kill him too . Then he continued , " But you are different , you made me happy , you gave me a meaning in the life I hate . So , Kathrine Evergreen , can I have the honor , to becoming your husband ? " I saw her eyes teared up . She nodded , but before she could say , " I do , " a bright light shot through her . At that time , I could see her life vanishing from her eyes . She drops to the ground , almost instantly . It didn 't take her long until she breathes her last breath . Then I saw him , I remembered the look on his face , the look of horror and despair as his lover fell upon the earth . He ran to her ; slowly and gently touch her face . " Kathrine . . " he knew it was the mystic bow . His gift , his power took Kathrine away . I could see , his life withered instantly . Then , I saw him took his gun , the gun that was supposed to be used to protect him from unwanted visitors . He put his gun to his head . Then , a shot was heard and he soon fell upon the earth as well . Ah , what a tragedy indeed . It seems , his power did not change his destiny . She was destined to kill him . The arrow could not change his fate . She was his life , and he was not whole without her . I could guess that if she told the truth , it will kill him . If she told him who she was , he would be devastated . Then , I went to them and closed both their eyes . At least , they deserved some peace . After that , I took the key around his neck . I shed a little tear , that 's the decent thing to do , right ? But , all that was to get something important . I guess it 's partially my fault , I did not warn her about the mystic bow . But , she was not important , just a tool to get the elixir . She did finish her job in the end . I asked for his death and she delivered it to me . The elixir of immortality is mine now . Now , nothing can stop me . Of course , I got the elixir at a cost , but it 's worth it . No one can hurt me now . I finally won indeed Posted in short storyTagged fiction , short story , story , tragedy , writer , writing I see you ( part 1 ) January 11 , 2017April 17 , 2017 mysketchywritingsLeave a comment She has escaped death two times now . She moved from a country to another , changed her name , left her job , and left her family and friends . She never met him before , but she knows he is trouble . He was her nightmare , he was the thing that kept her awake at night , and he was the thing that made her jump when someone grabbed her from behind . He was her stalker . He has sent her roses , letters , and everything you can think of and more . At first , it was just subtle letters and roses , but he became bolder and bolder . He started sending her pictures of her in her room when she was sleeping , pictures of her when she was studying , pictures of her when she was taking a bath . It was already creepy at that point , and then he started sending her body parts : fingers , hands , hearts , and letters that told how much he loves her . It was starting to be unbearable . She asked the police for help but there was nothing , not a single trace of him . The police tried to search for the perpetrator , but he was always 5 steps ahead of the police . He always disappears whenever the police had a lead on him . It was as if he was a ghost . But the letters and body parts never stops coming . The police found DNA of those people . The police said that all those people 's DNA matches the DNA of the missing personness cases . The police advised her family to move out of town until they finish the case . After that , she moved with her family to Southampton , but that didn 't stop him . Not at all , in fact he became bolder and more terrifying . After a while it started again . A letter came two months after she had moved . The letter was written in red ink . Why did you move ? I was sad that you moved . I didn 't know where you move to , it took some time for me to find you . But I finally found you , my dear Emily , were you lonely these past two months ? I hope you think of me as often as I think of you . What she saw in the box turned her pale . It was a finger with a ring in it . She has seen that ring before . It was her old ring given by one of her past lover . It kept happening over and over again her old teddy bear that was already thrown away when she was seven , a gold chain necklace that was given to her from her grandparents , and more things from her past . She begs the police to help her , but there was nothing the police could do . He was too smart to be caught . The police also have their hands full with all more missing people cases . Her family started getting worried with her . At this point it became so unbearable that her brother has to move in with their grandparents . After six months of ' gifts ' from him , she left again . She left without the consent of her parents . She took some money one night and left . This time , she changed her life , she took the name Nathania and move to Bournemouth . She left her family , because she couldn 't bare seeing her family becoming paranoid with every letters that comes to the house . She started living in an apartment . She got a new job , and a new life . Everything started to go smoothly . For once , she was finally able to live without fear . She found a new lover , new friends , she was finally happy . It has been almost a year now . No letters , no body parts , nothing . She thought she was finally free . She outsmarts the stalker and now he couldn 't find her anymore . He couldn 't harass her anymore . That is until one evening . She had just come home from work . She was tired and she was dying to get back to the apartment and sleep . She opened her apartment door to hundreds of roses . She knew they were from him ; he had found her . She dropped her bag , her skin turned pale . ' This . . This can 't be true ' she thought to herself . ' I changed my name , I moved away , how can he still find me ? ' she was horrified . Slowly she turned on the lights only to find a more terrifying view . Written in blood on the wall are the words : " YOU CAN ' T HIDE FOREVER " . She fell on her knees ; she was so scared that her knees couldn 't hold her weight . ' How ? Why ? ' all those questions popping through her head . She was in a state of shock that she didn 't even realize there was a presence near her . There was another person in the room . When she had finally realized there was another person , it was too late . She could not escape from the position she is in . A figure was standing behind her . The figure step closer to her and whisper in her ear . " I had a hard time searching for you . You changed your name this time . I wanted to just stay and watch you from afar but I don 't want you to run away anymore , " his voice was terrifying . Goosebumps appear in her skin from her neck down . " Don 't look so scared . Here I brought you a gift . " He placed a gold necklace around her neck . The necklace has blood residue on it . She took a glance at the necklace . Her eyes showed how horrified she was . It was her mother 's necklace . " What did you do ? " she screamed in terror , a tear running down her cheeks . She was scared . He stroke her cheek , " there . . there . . don 't cry . . don 't you like it ? It was quite hard getting it . " She was clearly in a state of shock . Seeing how troubled he continued , " I didn 't kill your mother , if that is what you think . I don 't want you to hate me after all . " They were both sitting for a while . Suddenly her phone rang . Her boyfriend was calling her . She hurried trying to get the call but he stopped her from doing it . It was then she finally saw him . He was tall , he has black hair , and blue eyes . He was not unattractive in fact he was quite handsome . " He will worry . He will know something is up , " she said with the little courage she had left . He made a big grin , a grin that sends chills to her bone . " Really ? So Michael is that kind of person , " he said still grinning . ' Is it even a surprise that he knows Michael 's name , ' she thought to herself . " What do you want ? " she asked . She was still trembling with fright , but what can she do . " What I want ? What I want is you Emily . . or do you prefer to be called Nathania ? " he smiled . ' If he was not such a psycho I might even fell for him . But , now what ? Think Emily , think . I don 't want to be killed . What should I do ? ' she thought to herself . " Emily is fine . Why do you do this ? " she mustered courage to ask . A silence fell upon for some seconds . " Why ? Because , I love you . Is it really that questionable ? Do you want to know how I fell in love with you ? " he asked again . She nodded . Not that she wants to know , but anything to keep him talking and postponing her end . |
Evie : " Why does Grandma Kathy go shopping ? Why doesn 't she just order it ? " - This was before we blew her mind with the information that there weren 't computers when Grandma Kathy was her age . Evie : " Sometimes your leg gets bubbles in it . Then you can 't move it . It goes away eventually , but sometimes you forget and try to move it , and then you have to wait . " - I eventually figured out this meant her leg fell asleep because she was sitting on it . I thought " my leg gets bubbles " was a awfully poetic description though ! Side note , when we got home and I checked my emails , I saw that they had sent a few emails during the week saying that we owed them 50 € ( about $ 65 ) for " early checkout " . Now , this fee was never mentioned at any time , including when we told them what time we would have to leave and arranged for them to get the keys . So 5 days into the trip you 're going to drop a $ 65 fee on us ? I don 't think so . It 's not like we 're talking $ 10 here . Of course I didn 't have email access so I didn 't see those emails , and he didn 't mention it at all when he picked up the keys . For his sake , I think he made a wise choice there . Overall , renting the apartment was a good move . It ended up being about the same as what we would have spent on a hotel room , but it was bigger , was in a better , more livable neighborhood , allowed us to do laundry ( and thus take less luggage ) , allowed us to cook supper , was close to 4 ( 4 ! ) metro lines , let us put the kids to bed in a separate room , and , to tell the truth , felt kind of cool , like I was really living in Paris . So there were many , many advantages . However , buyer beware ! There was clearly a lot of shady stuff going on , and could easily have been way , way worse . It worked out well for us , but it just as easily could have gone sour . And nothing that happened in the trip made me feel better to where I wouldn 't worry about it just as much next time . After turning in the keys , we had to walk quite a ways to get to the train station . When we finally got there , we walked all over looking for the bus stop that would take us to the airport . We were a little late for the first bus , but we caught the second one . Once we finally got on the bus , but the bus driver told us we should get off at terminal F , which contradicted what we had been told previously , that we should go to terminal 1 . We were a bit suspicious about this ( how does the same airport have a terminal 1 and a terminal F ? That 's not even the same numbering system ! ) but he seemed confident , so we took his advice . After wandering around terminal F for some time , we finally found a person to ask . She was like , " Why did you get off at terminal F ? You should be at terminal 1 . " However , when the man with the giant assault rifle told us we had to wait in the hallway until the bomb scare was over , we really started to worry . We would have worried even more if we would have known there was a serious national security threat to Paris that day , but as it was , we were totally disconnected from the news , and didn 't really have any idea until later that day . At the time , we were more worried about the nuisance and making our flight on time . We debated leaving the terminal and getting a cab to the other side of the airport ( that can 't cost that much , right ? ) , but they finally let us through . We had to check in , check our bags , go through security ( although , admittedly , French security is a little more lax than in the U . S . ) , and walk through what felt like half of the airport ( the moving walkway was broken of course ) . Finally , however , we made it to the gate . We had given ourselves 5 hours lead time , and we didn 't even have time to buy coffee , because they had already boarded half the plane ! This time we had a seat behind the bulkhead and a " real " airplane bassinet that bolted to the wall . However , Oliver wanted nothing to do with it . The stewardess asked if we liked it and we were like , " Yeah , he didn 't like it " and she said , " I know , I heard from the back of the plane when you tried to put him in it . " It did provide a nice shelf to set things on , and the extra leg room was * very * nice . Evie was pretty set for this flight , she watched Toy Story 3 3 times in a row , back to back to back . She kept saying she wasn 't going to watch it again , but then a few minutes later , she 'd be hooked . I think she might have slept through the end the first time . Oliver was pretty fussy and we were constantly doing whatever we could to keep him happy ( with mixed results ) . So it was good that Evie didn 't take much effort . Hey , at least they had changing tables in the bathrooms on the airplane . Finally , after a long exhausting flight we made it . To Newark . Paris travel tip # 8 : for international flights , DO NOT choose a connecting flight . Fly direct , it 's worth it , even if it costs a little more . We had to get off the plane , claim our baggage , and go through customs before re - checking our bags and re - going through security . So it was like all the bad parts of going to the airport , twice . Not to mention the fact that we had gotten up very early and traveled on an exhausting flight already . Evie did a good job of holding it together all day , except for one little exception . When we were going through customs , she had an absolute meltdown . This was , of course , the worst possible moment . We 're trying to be all calm and serious and making sure we do the right thing , and she is just screaming like a demon is trying to crawl out of her nose . We strapped her into the stroller and pushed her through the airport , kicking and screaming . When we got to customs and the guy was looking through the passports , he said , " Is there another little girl down there I can 't see ? " Evie immediately answered with something like " RAAAARGH ! " It was sort of like transporting a Tasmanian Devil through the airport . Luckily , the guy was very nice and understanding , and he let us through . I think , at this point , Sara and I were delirious . We were standing in line to go through security , and we realized that we had filled our water bottles before getting on the last plane , but we were going through security again , so we would have to empty them ( for the 20 seconds that we went through the metal detector , after which , of course , we could fill them up again ) . I just remember at one point we were chugging these water bottles and then I dropped all of the passports all over everywhere and Sara and I were laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes . I was probably literally insane at that point ( as if taking 2 small kids on a 12 hour airplane odyssey wasn 't proof enough already ) . We had 2 hours to make our connecting flight , and it couldn 't have been 1 second shorter or we wouldn 't have made it . Finally we touched down in beautiful , blessed Chicago . The second I stepped off the plane , I was crushed in the face with a big allergy fist . It was weird , how immediate it was . So now we 're back in Chicago , our long road is ended , right ? Wrong . After we got our bags , we had to take a shuttle to the parking lot and then drive all the way home in rush hour traffic . Evie crashed hard in the car and couldn 't be roused for anything . It was a long , long , rough day on all of us , and I couldn 't blame her . Of course we were all up by4 a . m . the next day , but what are you going to do ? So that 's it ! 9 posts and over 14 , 000 words later , our trip is complete . I don 't know which was more exhausting , coming home from Paris , or writing these posts . But it was a good trip , and very complete , much like the aforementioned posts . For us , that meant we finally made it to the Arc de Triomphe . It turns out that they have an elevator they will let you take if you have a stroller , even though it is supposed to be for handicap use only . However , we didn 't know that , so we took the stairs ( it turns out the elevator was broken at the top anyway ) . We had read that it was supposed to be a free day , but when we got there it apparently wasn 't ( either that or some very inventive crooks took in a loooot of money that day ) . Everybody had been saying about how the stairs were so big and roomy . Well … I 'd hate to see some of the other staircases . I suppose it was roomy in the sense that someone could * technically * squeeze by you if they had to . I still wouldn 't describe them as roomy . I carried Evie and Sara carried Oliver , and I have to say , the climb wasn 't really that bad . Just when I started to breath hard and think , " Okay , how much farther ? " we were at the top . The view was nice , but I 'd imagine it would be even better after dark , with the lights in the trees down the Champs - Élysées and the glittering Tour Eiffel . One thing you do see during the day are a bunch of maniacs driving in the enormous roundabout around the Arc . It 's probably like 6 or 8 lanes wide , with no markings , and there are 12 streets stemming off . So it 's kind of like a big round parking lot , and everybody is just sort of driving whichever way is most convenient for them . The amazing part was that there didn 't seem to be any accidents ! After we had the apartment squared away , we went back to the Jardin du Luxembourg . The previous time was when I was working , so this was the first time for me . If you recall , the first time they went the place was pretty much empty . This time , however , it was totally different . Packed . This is where Parisians hide their kids ! ( For a city the size of Paris , there didn 't seem to be too many kids . ) It wasn 't just kids though , there were tons of adults just strolling the park as well . It was quite the scene . The main reason we were there was to see another marionette show . The first show went so well , that we really wanted to see another one . The one at Jardin du Luxembourg was much more involved . It was more like going to see a play . There was an indoor theater with a ticket seller , stage and curtain , and even an intermission to go catch some refreshments . Therefore , Evie was a little scared . Being as this was much more of a production , there was actually a storyline , Puss in Boots . The puppets were much larger , the sets were more elaborate ( like a spinning windmill or a carriage with moving wheels and puppet horses ) , and the scenes required several puppet masters , not just one . Evie was looking forward to seeing Guignol , but I was a little nervous maybe Guignol wouldn 't be in Puss in Boots . However , I now know Guignol is in ALL French marionette shows . So we weren 't disappointed there . It was interesting to see the elaborate puppets and sets , etc . but I have to say that I kind of preferred the first one we saw . It was sort of the " working man 's " puppet show and seemed more authentic to me . It was more straightforward and had more participation from the kids . Evie liked them both , but I think she preferred the first one too . But I 'm still glad we saw this one . After the show , we walked around the park a little bit and watched people play Pétanque ( a . k . a . Boules or Bocce ball ) . This wasn 't just an idle game , this was serious business ! There is a coat rack for people to hang up their coats so it doesn 't mess with their throw . People had utility belts with little tools , like a little measuring tape . My favorite accessory was this little magnet on a chain for picking up your balls , so you don 't have to bend over . People were very serious ; they had a special stance , special throw , etc . It was fascinating to watch . I would have stayed longer , but they dragged me away . Evie continued to grab every chestnut she could find , building up a sizable collection . She tried keeping them in her pockets , but she had too many and they kept falling out . Consequently she had full pockets , plus all she could hold in her hands . We told her we wouldn 't be allowed to bring them home with us , and she 'd have to throw them away when we got home . She was a little bummed , but not as upset as I thought she 'd be . We promised her we could take a picture of them , and we could take the picture home instead . So she proudly posed with her enormous pile of chestnuts in her lap . Later we found out that was only about half of them . She had squirreled them away in every nook and cranny of the apartment , and every bag or piece of luggage we had . On the metro , you very frequently see accordion players playing for money . Occasionally it would be other instruments , but there was a heavy emphasis on accordion playing . Evie loved it ( me too ! ) . One time Sara gave her a coin to give to one of the players and Evie thought it was so cool . You could tell how big of a deal she thought it was by the way she made nervous eye contact and solemnly put the coin in the cup . All week Evie had been saving up her " collection " of coins , some of which she found on the ground , some of which she earned by being good . As usual , she wanted to spend this money on ice cream , but we told her she didn 't have nearly enough . So instead she asked if she could give it to " someone playing music on the train " . On the walk to the train , that money was burning a hole in her pocket . She couldn 't stop playing with it , jingling it in her pocket , or just holding it in her hand . We were worried we wouldn 't see anybody and she would be disappointed . However , right away , there was someone on our train . Her face was just shining . When he finally finished playing , he came through the car for money . Evie carefully reached in her pocket and pulled out … 1 cent . She reverently placed it in his cup , and he thanked her . I 'm telling you , watching her face , I almost wanted to cry . The whole scene was so beautiful . Although the man was very nice and seemed grateful , I 'm sure he almost wanted to cry too . 1 whole cent . But if he knew how much that 1 cent meant to Evie , he would probably never spend it . Oliver , however , was ready to go . He did not like being full - body - rash - baby or being stuffed in the ergo anymore . He was tired of the few toys we brought for him . He was tired of being out of his routine . He wanted home . First up for Saturday was a trip to Île de la Cité , an island in the middle of the river Seine , the river that goes through the middle of Paris . Île de la Cité is known as the " heart of the city " , so its no surprise that it is home to " Point Zero " the place from which all distances in Paris are calculated . However , it 's a little more well known for being the home of the cathedral of Notre Dame ( Our Lady ) . Paris tip # 7 - don 't pronounce Notre Dame like the University in South Bend ! ( Correct : Note - re Dahm . Incorrect : Noter Daaame ) The inside of the church was plenty impressive , but it was the outside that was really awesome . It 's kind of like with the palace at Versailles : I 've seen churches that are similar to the inside , but the outside was unlike anything I 've seen before . In particular , it is covered with interesting gargoyles . I think I could sit and look at them all day long . Flying buttresses are significantly cooler looking than they sound . This was definitely the best outside of all the churches we went to in Paris . Sara and I were thinking of putting out a book entitled , " Oliver pukes on the sacred relics of Europe " . It would be a picture book , maybe something nice with big glossy pictures , like a coffee table book . We certainly got a head start on this book during the course of this trip . Notre Dame was no exception . You can climb the tower of Notre Dame for a good view ( like everything in Paris ) but we skipped it ( as we did with Sacré - Coeur ) . The thought of all of those tight , cramped stairs with the kids and all of our gear just seemed like trouble . We decided to save it for the Arc de Triomphe , which we heard had a nice wide staircase . Just outside of Notre Dame is the entrance to the Paris Archeological Crypt . I wouldn 't really recommend it , it 's sort of boring , but it is pretty quick to go through , covered under the museum pass , and has one other big advantage : buttons to push . There 's nothing Evie likes more than pushing buttons in a museum , and this was the only one in France that we went to with buttons . So she was happy . We went to a restaurant for lunch , specifically a crêperie because we knew that Evie liked crêpes , and Sara and I wanted some authentic ones . However , Evie 's behavior convinced us not to go to any more restaurants for the rest of the trip . Her behavior was abhorrent ; having fits , not listening , obsessing about desert ( to the point that she wouldn 't eat anything ) , spitting out her food , etc . It was a pretty ugly scene ( and the waitress wasn 't very nice to begin with ) . We got out of there as soon as possible . After lunch we headed over to the Mémorial de la Déportation ( we had tried to go before lunch , but it had been closed for lunch , so we came back ) . Basically it is a memorial to the 200 , 000 people deported from France to Nazi concentration camps . The pictures we had seen looked pretty cool , with a hallway containing 200 , 000 lighted crystals , one for each deported person . When it was our turn , she told us that Evie shouldn 't go in . She made us go read the information on the side ( which told us nothing we didn 't already know ) and told us , after reading it , we could decide if she could go in or not . This of course caused us to reconsider going in . This was about concentration camps after all , maybe there were graphic pictures or something . So we agreed that I would go check it out first , and if it was okay , everyone else would come in . Here 's the thing : there was nothing graphic in any way . The lady was just concerned whether or not Evie would be solemn enough for her liking . There really was almost nothing to see down there at all . It was just a little stone room with a bunch of writing in French on the walls ( they did use a cool font , I will give them that ) . Anything of interest was behind big , locked gates , including the hallway with the 200 , 000 crystals ! So like , the entire point of the memorial was blocked off , and you had to peek between bars to see it . And why did they close it for lunch , if there was nothing to see or touch or anything ? Well , because the gate keeper couldn 't be there to lecture you and make sure you were solemn enough . I 'm sure her head is in the right place . She wants to make sure it is treated reverently . The problem is that , who says her way is the only way to enjoy it ? We weren 't there to make trouble or to disrespect anything . So , in trying to make sure the monument is enjoyed " properly " , she ends up making sure nobody enjoys it at all , and misses a great opportunity to educate people ( and kids ! ) about what the whole point of the memorial is . So I told Sara not to bother and we left . This is probably the only thing we saw in Paris that I would not recommend . It definitely wasn 't cool enough to justify the lecturing ( especially not with everything blocked off ) . Once that was done , we walked over to Sainte - Chapelle ( Holy Chapel ) . There was a long line and we smugly strolled past it , looking for the museum pass line . Unfortunately , when we got to the front , there was a clear sign that said museum pass holders must wait in the line like all the rest of the schmucks . We couldn 't skip the line . Not only did we just get done with a bad experience at the deportation memorial , we had to wait in this long line with misbehaving kids and a sinus headache . Spirits were low . Just before we reached the pits of despair , a security guard pulled us out and skipped us to the front of the line ( I guess because we have kids ? He didn 't really explain , at least not in English , and I can 't think of any other reason why we would get to go first ) . As we got up there , we quickly saw that the line was for security , not to get into the chapel . The chapel shares the building with the court house , so the security was really for the courthouse . There was a separate line to get into the chapel , which we * could * skip with our pass . Security in Paris is so funny . They peek in your bag , but they don 't dig around or anything . In many cases we happened to have a blanket or something on top , such that you couldn 't see anything in the bag at all , and they waved us through . On top of that , if you set off the metal detector , they just wave you through anyway . Like , " Ah , go ahead , you have kids and about 100 bags , you 're fine . " Anyway , our mood was perked up a little bit by the unexpected line jumping . Once we were inside , we were standing off to the side to collect ourselves a little bit , and Evie just started jumping off a low stone step . Oliver thought it was the funniest thing he had ever seen in his life . Every time she jumped , he would just start laughing his head off . We probably stood there for 10 minutes with her jumping . This was just the mood - lift that we needed . Sainte - Chapelle is kind of an un - church , almost like an unexpected , nondescript little building in the middle of a bunch of unrelated buildings , as opposed to the big gothic structure of Notre Dame . And yet , it had ( probably by far ) the best stained glass windows of all the churches . I was pleasantly surprised , it was better than I expected . I would recommend a stop here , although I think it is the only church we went to that you had to pay to see ( unless you have the museum pass ! ) Sainte - Chapelle is just like two rooms , so we were quickly on our way to the Conciergerie , which also ended up being better than I expected ( another use of the museum pass here ) . Conciergerie is an old prison for guillotine victims , most specifically Marie - Antoinette , but it 's actually pretty cool looking inside ( at least compared to what I thought a prison would look like ) . Specifically the vaulted entrance hall is cool and makes good use of lighting . I think maybe it started its life as a palace , so that could explain it . We were hoping maybe to see a guillotine , but there wasn 't one . There was , however , a series of mannequins in cells to demonstrate what life was like in the prison , and Evie liked that a lot . And plenty of talk about guillotines , of course , so she was pretty happy . When we were leaving the Conciergerie , Evie was again having a fit , strapped into the stroller and yelling " No ! No ! " One of the guards started laughing and shouted , " Sí ! " Sí ! " back at her . This was the 3rd day in a row that Evie was mistaken for Spanish . Why ? ? Does she look Spanish ? Next up we caught a Bateau Mouche , which is like a big flat boat or barge that takes you on a tour of Paris via the Seine river . The tour was okay . It would be good if you had less time in Paris , or if you did it at the beginning of your trip to sort of orient yourself . By this point in the trip we had pretty much seen everything that we saw on the boat tour . I will say this , there were a few good angles for pictures that you couldn 't get any other way than on the river . Still , in our case , it was just okay . We got a little turned around coming home and ended up in a fancy chocolate stop , Le Maison du Chocolat . Evie was going to have a fit , but the man swooped in and gave her a chocolate . He 's like a chocolate superhero ! We bought the cheapest thing we could find because everything was so expensive , but it was wonderful ! So we somehow ended up being a nice day despite my bad head cold and some of the worst behavior I 've ever seen on Evie . It was just a long , long day and it 's really not surprising that Evie was due for some bad behavior . We were so far out of our normal routine , and we were pushing long days with a lot of walking and fresh air , every day for ( at this point ) a week . So I can 't say that I blame her for that . Plus , we usually require good behavior outside of the house , but we can relax when we are at home . Here , we were worried about the thin walls / ceilings of our apartment , so we were requiring better - than - usual behavior , even at home . I think it was a lot to handle for a little girl . As for Oliver 's part , between his horrible rash and his growing dislike of the ergo , he was declared the saddest boy in France . He wasn 't really naughty ( can babies really be naughty ? ) , just very , very sad . But of course his crying didn 't help anything . Again , not really his fault , and being declared the saddest boy in France is something of an honor . One quick thing that I forgot to mention yesterday : Ladurée ! Ladurée is a super fancy macaroon shop . The French version of a macaroon is a bit different than what I think of as a macaroon . It 's like a fancy cream filled sandwich cookie that comes in different flavors ( and colors ! ) . We had planned to visit Ladurée on the super - posh Champs - Élysées , but they had a dealership at Versailles , so we ended up going there . I say dealership because buying these cookies was quite the experience . We got an English - speaking shop girl to personally oversee our purchase , and to put the cookies in a nice box , suitable for keeping ( we still have it , even though the cookies didn 't last 30 minutes ) . It was very fancy , and a very big deal . Well , we didn 't buy them as a gift , we just ate them . And they really were delicious ! They weren 't so good as to justify the price , but we specifically wanted the best in France . Afterwards we bought cheaper ones at a regular pâtisserie , but I can 't compare the two because Evie didn 't let me have a bite . I 'm guessing they were pretty similar . First up was the Carnavalet Museum . The focus of this museum is the history of Paris . I don 't know if we would have went to this museum or not , except for one fact : we heard a rumor they might have some stuff on guillotines . As you may recall , one of the main things that Evie was interested in seeing was a guillotine , and we hadn 't seen one up to this point ( for some reason the French don 't seem to keen on remembering this bloody time in their history ) . So we thought we better go seek one out . And Carnavalet gave us what we were looking for ! A model guillotine ! Pictures of guillotines ! ( These pictures were no joke , there was one painting where someone had just had their head cut off and blood was spraying out everywhere . Evie loved it . ) We didn 't see a full sized guillotine , but Evie got some pictures in front of the model ones , and she seemed satisfied . For lunch we headed over to the Marais neighborhood to look for some falafel . Falafel ? you say . In Paris ? Oh yes my friend , falafel . We were looking for L ' As du Falafel , which is supposedly the one place in Paris that Lenny Kravitz goes out of his way to eat at . What 's good enough for the stomach of Lenny Kravitz is good enough for me . However , when we got there , we found out it was closed . This turned out to be only a minor set back , however , because the rue des Rosiers is apparently FULL of falafel restaurants ( I suppose because it 's the center of the big Jewish neighborhood in Paris ? ) So , since we were already in the mood for falafel , we ended up in line for King of Falafel . I have to say , this wasn 't just any falafel sandwich . There was artistry involved . I feel kind of funny saying it , but I think this was the best thing I ate in Paris . It was delicious ! Well worth the trip ! ( to the neighborhood I mean , it 's probably not worth flying all the way to Paris for ) Highly recommended . ( Hmm hmm , yes , we ate at all the fanciest French restaurants in Paris . Have you heard of , oh what 's that name again ? I 'm so bad with French . Ah yes , King of Falafel ? ) We at our falafel at a park and Evie made friends with two British girls ( " Her name is Olivia , but her name is really Livie ! " ) . They invented some kind of game that involved throwing a ball backwards over your shoulder into a sandbox . For our part , we mostly just tried not to drip purple cabbage juice all over Oliver . Once our lunch was done , we headed over to Centre Pompidou . The Pompidou houses modern art , but is know as much for the outside of the building as the inside . Basically the building is " inside out " with all of the structural elements , like the pipes , escalator , etc . are on the outside , and each one is painted a bright color . Consequently we spent a while outside admiring things . The outside was pretty cool , but it quickly was overshadowed by a large flock of pigeons that someone was feeding nearby . Evie once again chased the pigeons all over the place , but this time there were hundreds of them . Terrified pigeons were flying all over the place , but they just couldn 't resist that delicious French bread ( who can ? ) so they kept coming back . Finally we decided to go inside . As I mentioned , the escalator is on the outside of the building , so riding it up to the top is pretty cool , with a good view of the city . I always like modern art , so overall I enjoyed the museum a lot ( it 's a nice change of pace after all of the " old " art museums you go to in Paris ) . However , our visit wasn 't without incident . The first room we went into was entitled " genital panic " and , let me tell you , the name was appropriate . There were a lot of genitals , and I was quite panicked , pushing Evie in the stroller . Most of the exhibits in this room were extremely , as Sara put it , " intimate " . How do you answer your 3 year old 's questions about a video of a naked woman hula hooping with barbwire , such that every time it goes around it cuts her ? You don 't , that 's how , and we got out of there as fast as we could without raising Evie 's suspicions that we were fleeing . ( She was mostly unaware of what was going on , but probably would have taken an interest if she caught the vibe that we were trying to hide something from her ! ) After this , we finally headed over to a more traditional museum , Musée d ' Orsay . Although it 's pretty famous , this was not nearly as crowded as the Louvre . The Orsay is actually in an old train station , and I found the building itself to be the most interesting part . I really liked the big open center part with the statues , in what would have been the main concourse . The rest of the art was like , famous and stuff . I don 't know . Maybe I was just starting to get museum - ed out . On the way home we stopped off at the Bon Marché , one of the first department stores , since it was right next to our apartment . Actually , we really only went to the Grand Epicerie , which is sort of like an enormous fancy food store . It 's hard to describe how this place was different than like a supermarket , but it was more like a bunch of independent little French stores that happened to be under the same roof . They had like different little areas for cuisines from different countries . I later heard from some Frenchman that the Grand Epicerie is one of the best in Paris , if a little pricey . We were looking for something to bring home for dinner , and we didn 't really find too much , although we did wander around looking at all the delicious foods . The longer we stayed in Paris , the more snobby we were becoming about food , even Evie . We were so used to getting fresh bread every day , that when she had to eat some bread for breakfast the next day after we bought it she said , " this bread is too thick , it needs jam ! " We ended up throwing it out and going down to get new bread . One final note , as the week was wearing on I noticed that Evie just started talking made up nonsense , and it was happening more and more ! She would say a sentence and then add a few words of gibberish on the end . Or you would ask her a question and she would answer in gibberish . This was fascinating , because it was clearly in response to being around so much language that she didn 't understand . I was wondering how she would react to being in a place where people were speaking another language , but she really hadn 't had much of a reaction . I guess it was finally getting to her ! Thursday meant more work for me , so I again slept on the couch to avoid waking everybody in the morning . The meeting was at a French company and I was the only one who didn 't speak French . So I was sort of useless here ( I prefer to think of myself as eye candy ) . I did have this moment where I was like , " Whoa , I 'm here in a country where I don 't really speak the language on business . I 'm an international businessman ! " but it passed quickly . My meeting was close by the Château ( castle ) of Versailles , where the Sun King , Louis XIV , built an enormous palace and moved the French court . So Sara took the kids on the train and we met there for a picnic lunch ( the sandwiches sat in my backpack at my fancy schmancy international business meeting ) . We spent the rest of the day there , which meant I was stuck in my suit . I shed the jacket and tie , but my shoes weren 't exactly the greatest shoes for tromping around in . The château itself was pretty cool , but I 've seen palaces before , and this wasn 't a lot different . But the grounds , on the other hand , are flat out amazing ! This Louis XIV was immensely rich and powerful , and he kept a huge staff to keep his grounds constantly beautiful . The palace is situated on about 200 acres of land which includes fountains , flowerbeds , decorative hedges , statues , and even an area with a forest of orange trees in containers so that they could wheel them inside during cold weather . Even now it must take a huge staff of people to care for all of this , but imagine what it would have taken before modern conveniences ! I imagine there was a grumble or two about hauling gallons of water up to water those stupid orange trees . I guess it 's no wonder the French revolution came just a few generations after . Evie and I used the " free " bathroom , and I gave her some coins to give to the bathroom attendant . In Europe it is pretty common to pay to use the bathroom ( it seemed common in France , but not as common as it was in Italy ) . Often there is a bathroom attendant who does nothing all day except clean the bathrooms , and your money is sort of a tip to him ( it might even be his wage , I don 't know ) . I saw the bathroom attendant working his butt off all day , and I saw the coins left by others , so I figured we 'd toss some on as well . After she gave him the money , he asked me ( in French ) if Evie was from Spain . When I answered that we were from the United States , he gave a big booming laugh and clapped me heartily on the back . I don 't know if it was because I answered him in French , which is probably not very typical of Americans , or if it was because we actually paid for the bathroom , which is also probably not very typical of Americans ( or maybe just because Evie was dressed so stylishly ) , but he seemed to find us quite amusing . Evie and I mostly spent the time pretending we were kings and princesses , respectively . Like , " Oh , I think I will use this room for dancing . What do you think , Princess ? " " Oh yes , will you invite me to the dancing , King ? " Evie 's favorite parts were the bedrooms . I guess there 's something particularly exciting about seeing where a King / Queen / Princess actually slept . Maybe it 's because the tour covers a lot of rooms that don 't mean much to a kid ( dancing rooms , sitting rooms , drawing rooms , meeting rooms , war rooms , etc . ) , so a bedroom was sort of the only tangible thing she could understand . Speaking of things that were confusing , when we were walking through the château , we kept encountering very , very strange pieces of art that didn 't belong . Next to some beautiful old ornamental candle holder , you would see a giant fiberglass man - eating plant , or * ahem * a generously proportioned anime babe ( whose clothing was not generously proportioned ) . As it turns out , Versailles had apparently teamed up with famous anime - style artist Takashi Murakami to put some of his art on display . It definitely added a weird , surreal aspect to the tour . We also took the little train out to the Domaine de Marie - Antoinette , and it was surprisingly cool ! The story goes that Marie - Antoinette wanted to " live as the peasants did " so she built this little estate on the grounds of Versailles . I thought , okay , who needs to see a farm ? However , that 's not what it was at all . Marie - Antoinette was so rich and protected that she was completely disconnected from reality ( this is the " let them eat cake lady , after all ) , and her " peasant farm " was sort of how you would imagine such a thing if you had only had it described to you through fairy tales ( and if you had an army of loyal servants to do the upkeep an make it seem nice ) . It was actually a really cool place , and definitely worth checking out ( at least it is if you have the museum pass and don 't need to pay anything extra to go see it ! ) We really liked Versailles . Sara and I both agreed that it was our favorite part of Paris . If you 're considering going out there ( it is a day trip from Paris ) , I would say you should definitely do it . It was well worth the trip . After a stressful train - ticket - buying experience , we managed to get back on the train to Paris . It was packed and we had lots and lots of bags . We were getting a lot of dirty looks from people for taking up so much space , but I don 't know what we could have done about it . We had to sit in two different seats with a kid on each of our laps and our bags , stroller , etc . pooled all around us . When it was time to get off the train we had to gather all of that up , manage the kids , and push past everybody to get off of the train before the doors closed . We barely made it on time . This , of course , was followed up by a long walk home loaded down like a pack mule . We were exhausted . We weren 't the only ones who were suffering . Oliver had developed a bad rash over his entire body , especially his chest , back and face , and he was just sort of not in a great mood . As I said he wasn 't really digging the ergo anymore , and didn 't really want to be carried around all day . For my part , I spent a lot of the day silently congratulating myself on how excellent my French was . It 's been more than 10 years since I took French , but I found myself able to read most of the signs and understand most of what was said to me . Sara , however , was not impressed . This was mostly due to the fact that 1 ) I wasn 't great with answering her specific questions about menu items , which are full of idiomatic expressions ( for example , you might be able to understand English perfectly well , but still not understand what " over easy , scrambled , or sunny side up " means in terms of eggs ) , and a lot of times I would freeze up when I actually needed to speak . There were numerous occasions where I understood the person perfectly well , but still couldn 't respond . Then , after the situation was over , I could think of all sorts of French I could have said . Oh well . Wednesday was the first day totally on our own , not meeting up with anybody who spoke French . Actually , it was kind of nice . We didn 't have to meet anybody at a certain time or anything , so we were able to go at our own pace . The Louvre is huge and crowded ! I 'm sure there are tucked away corners that you can catch your breath ( seriously , the place is huge ) , but we were looking to get in , hit the major sites , and get out . Apparently so was everybody else , especially the tour groups . The museum pass saved us from the massive line . We tried to go in the side entrance that nobody knows about , but they told us we couldn 't because we had a stroller ( I think maybe it was just because they thought we would want to use an elevator , but there was a little language problem ) . No problem though , we strolled passed the entire line with our museum pass . Sayonara , suckers ! This is Paris tip # 6 : buy a museum pass ! Even if you end up losing money on it , it is well worth it to skip all the lines ! ( I guess you could consider this tip 2A , since it is very much like buying a timed ticket for the Eiffel Tower ) On top of that though , if you make any effort whatsoever , I can 't imagine you would lose money on it . I think we saved over 50 € ( about $ 70 ) in museum admissions . Well worth the money ! I think the thing that Evie got the biggest kick out of was the Mona Lisa . I think that was the only one that was famous enough for Evie to have encountered before in her short little life . She definitely recognized it and gave an appropriate " Ooooh ! " when I lifted her up high enough to see it over everybody 's head ( did I mention it was crowded ? ) One thing that really annoyed me at the Louvre was the disrespect . Here we are amongst some of the most famous , priceless works of art in the world , and people just can 't stop touching it and taking flash photography . " This vase lasted 1 , 000 years , so I must get a picture of me touching it ! " How do people not realize that * everybody * thinks they are the one special person who is allowed to break the rules ? And if every person touches that vase , it 's not going to make it another 50 years , much less 1 , 000 . And there are signs everywhere about flash photography . If you don 't know how to turn off the flash on your camera , then just don 't take pictures . It 's not that important . Buy a post card , the picture is going to look nicer than your blurry , cheap , 50 - heads - blocking - my - shot picture anyway . But I saw you taking picture after picture , just flashing away . " Oh well , the rules don 't apply to me , but I 'm just one guy ! What kind of damage can my one camera do ? " It turned my stomach . ( I would also like to say that I don 't know what percentage of the people doing these things were American , certainly some percentage , but not the majority . I 'm looking at you Asia . ) After we were done with the Louvre , we needed some outside time , so we ran around in Tuileries , the big open park outside of the museum . It 's actually worth going to Tuileries even if you aren 't going to the museum , it 's a pretty nice park . In particular , you can see kids renting batteau ( boats ) and floating them in the pond . They have these really long sticks to push them away from the edge if they get too close . Evie liked watching the boats , but we tried not to hang around there too much because we didn 't want her to figure out that you could actually rent the boats . Next we had originally planned to go to Musée d ' Orsay , but we thought that might be a little much to do in a day . So instead we decided to go to the closer and smaller Musée de l ' Orangerie . It ended up being a wise choice ! We couldn 't completely skip the line with our museum pass , but we were able to go in an expedited line . This was really a gem of a museum . It was small , but the big draw are the extremely large water lilies by Monet . Everybody was really nice here . They practically forced us to take our stroller in ( at many museums you have to check them ) and stoic security guards would break their cover to tell us how to get to the secret elevators . We were pleasantly surprised at how nice of a museum it was ! Unfortunately , both kids fell asleep before we got to the water lilies . However , that did justify us going to l ' Orangerie instead of Orsay . Next up , we went back to Champs - Élysées to make another attempt to catch the marionette show . Evie LOVED it ! I thought I could sit by her and sort of explain what was going on , but I couldn 't understand anything . A true French marionette show requires a lot of participation by the kids , and Evie was right there with them yelling , " Oui ! Oui ! " when the other kids were yelling , even though she had no idea what she was saying . She was just giggling away . It was awesome ! I would never have guessed she would have liked it so much . All French marionette shows star a particular puppet named Guignol ( pronounced something like " Geen - yol " ) and there is always a lot of shouting for Guignol . This became a MAJOR theme of the trip , shouting " Guignol ! " at each other probably a hundred times a day . Evie also managed to snag a crêpe on the way , which she ate on a park bench . She loved " French pancakes " ( it was a traditional one , with just sugar ) and made grand plans for eating more of them . She was literally only eating bread - like things at this point , but she was willing to add crêpes to the line up , next to baguette and croissants . Eating nothing but bread is a crumby , messy way to go through life . Evie didn 't really hold herself responsible for that . We were complaining about the state of the floor under the table and Evie declared , " Someone even put crumbs under MY chair ! " For Oliver 's part , he was getting really sick of riding in the ergo ( the baby carrier we use ) . I think it was hot and sweaty , and he 's not used to being so tied up for most of the day . At home he gets some time to spread out and play a little bit . He was starting to get fussy every time we put him in there . Unfortunately , we didn 't have a lot of options ( though we put him in the stroller now and again , when we had the chance ) . A side note about the apartment : it feels really chintzy to leave everything almost used up . There were only 2 half rolls of toilet paper . Every cleaning supply ( including dish soap ) was just a finger 's breadth from the bottom . It could be coincidence that every single last thing was just about to run out when we got there , but I somehow doubt it . I really don 't want to accuse someone of emptying out dish soap and stealing toilet paper , but that 's what it felt like . Another scam somehow . If you don 't want your place to seem sleazy , just go through ahead of time and spend the $ 10 and stock up on a few things . It will be money well spent . ( Too bad we gotcha and took home the rest of the toilet paper we bought ! Looks like the shoe is on the other foot ! ) Two times during the day we were witness to some horrible incident that involved an ambulance . The first was while Sara was waiting in line in the Louvre gift shop . An old man collapsed like a ton of bricks and smashed his head onto the stone ground . She did eventually make it out of there , but there was quite a scene with a ring of people around the guy , trying to make him comfortable until the paramedics got there . We didn 't wait around to see what happened after that . However , a short while later , while we were waiting in the park for the marionettes to start , we heard some kind of commotion . Our best guess is that someone had found a body lying behind some hedges . Maybe a homeless man ? Or maybe something happened to someone that the guy was with ? We 're not sure . Anyway , he alerted a security guard who got the police who called for an ambulance , and there was another big scene . We couldn 't see the person from where we were standing , but there was definitely someone on the ground . Before the situation could resolve itself , we had to go in for the puppet show . |
Charlie left again as quickly as he had come . The days marched toward Christmas , another Christmas without Charlie . Mama was nervous , Daddy listened to the radio , the girls fussed about decorating the house . I heard Mama and Daddy talking early one morning , the way they did . Mama didn 't feel much like celebrating . Daddy said the birth of Christ was a wondrous thing , even in a time of war . Maybe even especially in a time of war . Jesus was the only true hope of peace in the world , Daddy said . It was important to celebrate . We had not been in the parlor since Charlie left in the summer . As soon as he was gone , Mama had put the sheets over the furniture and closed the French doors . But now she reluctantly opened the doors and made room for a tree . It was a quiet Christmas . Grandma Goodman had gone to see her sister in Missouri , and Aunt Lennie and Uncle Chet had gone with her , so it was just our family . On the afternoon of Christmas Eve Daddy took me down to the lot behind the hardware store and we picked out a tall , full tree to take home in the back of the truck . Miz Clara had put her tree up two weeks earlier and it looked so nice sitting in her front window . But Daddy liked to wait until Christmas Eve , so that 's we always did . Some years the pickings weren 't so good by then , but that year we did all right . While we were gone , Mama and the girls got the ornaments out of the attic and made a huge batch of popcorn to string . We always ate more than we strung , but Mama never scolded us on Christmas Eve . When Elizabeth and Virginia started squabbling about whether they had enough blue ornaments in proportion to the silver ones , I decided I needed a break . No one wanted my opinion anyway . I went outside and plopped myself down on the cement steps leading to the back porch . It was the man from the music store ! What in the world did he want with me . I had never even been in his store ; I sure had never stolen anything from there . He held out a rectangular black case . " Your brother came to see me the last time he was home . He made arrangements for me to bring you this today . " Thanks for sharing your dream with your big brother . Here 's hoping it comes true fast . I can 't wait to hear you play . Merry Christmas . Love , Charlie He took the horn and curved his hands around it and set his lips tightly against the mouthpiece . A clear , even tone came out the other end . He smiled as he handed the trumpet back to me . Mama was flabbergasted when she first saw the trumpet . I 'm pretty sure she thought I had stolen it , so I was quick to tell her what the man had said and show her the note Charlie had left in the case . Since she had never known I was remotely interested in music , it seemed truly odd to her that Charlie would spend good money on a dented old horn . But the trumpet was there in my hands , and I had Charlie 's note , so she had to accept that he had done it . She made me promise to play it outside and not in the house . I didn 't blame her . The noises I was making with it were not too pleasant even to me . Holding Charlie 's note in her hand put a light in Mama 's eyes . She asked Daddy to light the logs in the fireplace . Nobody was arguing with anybody . Speedy Hanley came by for a little while with a box of chocolate candy for everyone to share . When it came time to put the angel on top of the tree , I looked around for Daddy . He was the one who always did that . I couldn 't find him . " Speedy can do that for us . " Mama handed the angel to Speedy , who was only about half as shocked as I was that she would to that . I thought Mama would be annoyed that Daddy had disappeared mysteriously , but she wasn 't . She even smiled at Speedy as he stood on a chair and set the angel perfectly at the top of the tree . With the tree trimmed , Elizabeth , Virginia and Amy disappeared to do whatever it was they do . Mama and Margaret went to the kitchen to work on dinner . Some years we just ate one of Grandma Goodman 's chickens , but somehow this year Mama had managed a ham , and I couldn 't wait to taste it . I sat in the parlor staring at Speedy , wondering if he was going to stay for dinner . He stared back at me without much to say . Eventually he excused himself to say goodbye to Margaret because his own mother was expecting him home . I was relieved . I wanted dinner to be fun , and if Speedy was there , Margaret would act like an idiot . After dinner Elizabeth played carols on the piano and we sang . Even Mama sang , and I saw Daddy smile at her when she finally joined in . The clock ticked way past my bedtime until it was time to go to the 11 : 00 Christmas Eve service at church . The girls put red and green ribbons in their hair . I rolled my eyes . I knew Mama loved the Christmas Eve service . Well , most years she did . This year , after the preacher read about the shepherds in the fields watching their flocks by night and the congregation was supposed to sing " Silent Night , " Mama hardly moved . I looked at her sideways and saw that her eyes were wet . Most of the service was quiet and dark . The candles around the church barely gave off enough light to read the hymnal by , but I guess that was okay because everyone knew the words anyway . In the dark , and I guess because I was watching Mama , I didn 't notice when a young man stepped up close to the organ before the final hymn . At the stroke of midnight , the preacher said , " Christ the Savior is born ! " and a trumpet blasted into the stillness with the tune of " Joy to the World ! " The congregation rose to sing as the organ joined the trumpet . I suppose my mouth moved to the words . I knew them by heart and we 'd already sung that song at home after dinner . But I didn 't so much hear the words as feel the trumpet . What a sound ! Brilliant , pure , clear , joyful . I stared at the horn player , studying how he held his mouth and marveling at the way his fingers pumped the valves . On the last stanza , he played a descant higher than any of my sisters could sing . No sound could be more perfect for Christmas . We 'd never had a Christmas trumpet in church before , at least as long as I could remember , which I grant was not all that long . I vowed that someday I would play a Christmas trumpet , my Christmas trumpet . That would be one way I would always remember the Christmas Charlie gave me a trumpet . I didn 't care if I got a single other package . I had my Christmas trumpet . When we got home , Mama insisted that we all go to bed . I knew I was too excited to sleep , but I also knew that if I didn 't go to bed , there would be no chance for Mama and Daddy to get the packages from their closet and put them under the tree . So the girls went off into their crowded room and I climbed up into my bed in the alcove and squeezed my eyes shut and lay perfectly still . After a while , I heard my parents rustling around , and then their bedroom door shut and it was quiet again . The house was ready for Christmas . In the morning I woke early and went out to the parlor by myself . The tree seemed even more beautiful than it had the night before . It felt strange to be sitting in this forbidden room all alone , but I enjoyed it . Our house was so small for so many people ; most of the time it bothered me that Mama made us stay out of a perfectly good room . But on mornings like this , it felt like a special room , and I was glad to have it to myself . My sisters and I had been down to Fred 's Dime Store to find small gifts for each other . We had not always done that , but when I was about six , Mama had gotten sick and tired of hearing us ask for everything for ourselves and she made us go out and buy presents for each other , even if it was just penny candy . Now I sort of liked it . Everyone had a nice pile of small packages , and then Mama and Daddy added their gifts to each of us on Christmas Eve . I looked at my package this year : long , rectangular , not too large , very neatly wrapped . I got out of the comfortable chair and picked it up ; not too heavy , with a dull thud as it slid from side to side in the box . " They 'll be along soon enough . Go on , son , open it . " Daddy sat down in the chair I had just left and leaned forward to watch me tear the paper off and open the box . Inside lay the pieces of a metal music stand , shiny and bright , waiting to be put together . I had not asked for anything special this Christmas , and until yesterday I didn 't even have an instrument , so this was a real surprise . I looked up at my father . He smiled back at me . Soon everyone else was up , and the floor was strewn with Christmas wrapping paper and torn ribbons and bows . Daddy went out for some wood and lit the fireplace to take the chill out of the air . I took out my trumpet , and no one seemed to mind that I played inside the house , though Amy did make some faces at the awful noises . Monday afternoon finally came , and I went into town to see that music store man . Mr . Spooner was his name . I had never dared step inside the store before , and to me it was like walking through the middle of an orchestra . There were so many instruments , most of them used , and stacks and stacks of music . Other than the hymnals at church , where I only looked at the words - and only because Mama made me follow them with my finger - I had never seen what music looked like . Little lines and circles and jiggles - I wasn 't sure I was ever going to be able to make sense of it . There was no spectacular miracle that Monday afternoon ; to my disappointment , I didn 't suddenly know how to play the trumpet . But Mr . Spooner invited me to come again , and I did . I went every day that week while I was out of school . I started to feel guilty that I couldn 't pay him for the lessons , but he just waved his hand and said he was doing it for the young man who was serving his country . He showed me how to make different notes by moving my fingers and tried to explain how to read a page of music . Daddy never really looked at music when he played the guitar , but he told me it was important to learn to read music and that I should pay close attention . I practiced constantly . My sisters mostly just groaned and walked away whenever I took my trumpet out of its case . But I didn 't care ; I went ahead and kept practicing what little I had learned . Other than the entrance of my trumpet into our lives , the family 's routine pretty much went back to what it had always been before Christmas . Mama scrubbed and cooked and went to ladies meetings at the church . Amy spent a lot of time out in her playhouse by herself , ignoring the chilly temperatures in the early mornings . Virginia and Elizabeth were busy trying to figure out a way to get some new dresses before school started again in January . Daddy and Margaret went to work every day , and Margaret usually came home with Speedy Hanley and sat on the porch , even thought it was cold . Except for Thanksgiving , Speedy had never had supper with us before . Maybe Mama didn 't like him very much , or maybe she didn 't want to admit Margaret was old enough to have a steady boyfriend . In any case , for some reason she broke down and asked him to stay . I only wish that Randy was there with me to help with ideas . Or Charlie . Maybe I could write him a letter about it when it was all over . I knew Margaret was nervous . We still ate in the kitchen like we usually did when it was just family , but Mama put out a nice tablecloth and made Amy be extra careful about how she set the table . So Margaret knew - and I knew - that this was an important night in her relationship with Speedy . Every time I looked at Margaret she gave me one of her sternest big sister scowls , even though I hadn 't done anything . I was having almost as much fun doing nothing as I would have if I 'd had a great idea for a way to bother her . Just having Speedy and me at the same table seemed to make her nervous . Whenever she scowled at me , I just smiled at her and took another bite of mashed potatoes . After a while I noticed that Margaret hadn 't taken a bite in a long time , an awfully long time . In fact , her hands were in her lap , which was a strange place to put your hands at supper time . All the while looking at Daddy while he talked small talk with Speedy , I set my fork down near the edge of the table , and then managed to knock it off . It clattered to the linoleum floor . Things were going according to plan . I smiled to myself as I ducked my head under the table to look for the fork . What I really was looking for was Margaret 's hands . Sure enough , they were in her lap - both of them wrapped around one of Speedy 's . If she was trying to impress Mama with Speedy , this sure wasn 't the way to do it . I grabbed my fork and straightened myself up in the chair . " Margaret , ya 'll ain 't eatin ' much . You all right ? " It was Daddy asking after Margaret . Maybe he had figured out where Margaret 's hands were , too . The gravy bowl sat right in front of Margaret . For some reason Mama always made way more gravy than anyone could imagine eating , so the bowl was still nearly full . It would take both hands to pass it over to me without spilling . She was irritated , but she couldn 't very well refuse to pass the gravy . Not with Speedy sitting right there , not under Mama 's nose . Up came her hands . But she didn 't quite get her fingers loose from Speedy 's and her knuckles bumped the table pretty hard on the way up . After supper , we all sat out on the back porch . Daddy strummed his guitar . After a while he started humming " Amazing Grace , " which made me think about Charlie and probably made everyone else think about him , too . No one really talked about Charlie much during those weeks , but his presence hung in the air , thick , all around us . The war was getting worse ; we couldn 't avoid being worried about Charlie . We hadn 't heard anything from him since Thanksgiving but one letter , which only made Mama scrub everything harder and bark at me for more water . But Daddy kept saying that no news was good news . One Saturday I went into town early with Daddy instead of waiting for Aunt Lennie to come buy and drive us all in . Mama had been nagging me to get a haircut and kept threatening to do it herself if Daddy didn 't . Daddy finally surrendered and took me in to the shop to get it done properly . He did it himself while he was between regular customers . I liked going into the barber shop where Daddy worked . Usually we were under strict instructions not to bother him there , so it was almost a treat to go in for a haircut and sit around for a while . Daddy gave a real good haircut . He had a lot of men who came in every couple of weeks and always asked for Jesse Byler . At home Daddy was so quiet , almost serious , but at the shop he chatted with his customers , calling everyone by name and asking after their families . As usual , the radio was going in one corner of the barber shop . Most of the time there was just music playing , and on Saturdays the place was busy enough that it was hard to hear it anyway . But even while he worked and talked , I could see Daddy was keeping his ear cocked toward the radio . When the war news came on , no one seemed to notice . His barber scissors were poised over an old man 's head , the blades open , and he was motionless while the announcer talked about the war , first in the Pacific and then in Europe . I sat along one wall looking at old magazines , and at first I didn 't hear the news either . But I noticed the change in Daddy out of my side vision . I saw how he stopped to listen and then I realized what he was listening to . The information was always general . It would never tell us anything about Charlie . But Daddy always kept well informed about the war . He knew that the Americans had heavy losses right after Thanksgiving , and the day after Christmas there was another battle in the North Atlantic , and in January German submarines destroyed tankers taking supplies to troops in North Africa . When the announcer finished and the music came back on , Daddy saw me looking at him . He smiled slightly and nodded , as if to comfort me and let me know everything was all right . He couldn 't promise me that , of course , but I think he wanted to , and I wanted to believe him . After a while , Aunt Lennie came in to fetch me . A part of me wanted just to stay there in the shop with Daddy all day instead of looking in stores and going to the movie and eating ice cream . But I knew I would never be able to explain to anyone how I felt , so I decided to go along with Aunt Lennie and the girls . But all day long I thought about Daddy with his head tilted toward the radio , listening to the announcer read the news report . When I got home , Mama scolded me for not bringing water in before I left in the morning . I didn 't argue with her ; I just went and got some water , and then went out in the yard with my trumpet . I didn 't care that the air was chilly these days . No one wanted me to play in the house for as long as I wanted to play , but so far the neighbors had not complained . With their windows closed for the winter , I guess they didn 't hear much . I wandered around the yard , practicing the only scales I knew , trying to blow the air through just the right way and make my fingers move just a little faster than they had the day before . I lost track of time . I don 't know how long I was out there that day , but when I walked back toward the house , I saw Mama settled on the back porch , wrapped in a shawl against the chill . She didn 't talk much about Charlie , but she was out there every day at this time , with her Bible open in her lap and her eyes closed , praying . |
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