text
stringlengths 114
320k
|
|---|
My wife of thirty years died two years ago . Our three kids were grown and gone . I picked up the bag . Should I or shouldn 't I ? Shrugging , I attached the rubber hose to the tank and continued to toy with the bag . I attached the hose to the side of the bag . Now all I had to do was pull it over my head and zip it as closed as I could . Then … reach over and turn the valve . Four or five deep breaths and bye - bye , see you later , adios . I put the bag down and went over to my desk . Everything was good . I neatly stacked the papers in front of my monitor , signed places where I needed to sign and listed all my passwords . There was nothing on the hard drive anyone shouldn 't see . I didn 't want to answer but something told me it might be important . It was . " This is Hal . What 's up , Simon ? " " Hey ! Glad I caught you . " If he only knew . " Hal , I need an original signature on a form before I can finalize your rights to the game . Sorry man . " " Sure Hal . Take your time . It 's not like we don 't have plenty of it . See you when you get here . I 'll have Nancy show you in so you won 't have to wait . " " Hal ? Are you okay ? You look , I don 't know , depressed , I guess . I don 't normally say this to people but as I 've known you since the sixth grade , I think I can . You need to see somebody about losing Sally . It 's tearing you apart and has since she passed . Man , I can see it in your face . " " Listen . Do yourself a favor . Why don 't you wander down to Evangeline 's and have a cup of coffee . I want you to consider whatever it is you 're thinking about . Really think about it . Why don 't you go somewhere different for a while ? Head over to the coast . San Francisco ? Seattle ? Someplace green . I guarantee the change of scenery will do you good . " I nodded and left the building and decided Simon was right . I really wanted a cup of coffee … a last cup . Evangeline 's was on the corner . As I passed the newspaper box I glimpsed a bold headline : I shrugged . Didn 't need to read the rest . People were forever getting lost in the mountains here . But I hoped they would find whoever it was . Maybe I really did need a change . Every place I went here brought her back . I was overwhelmed with memories and I couldn 't seem to shake the despair . When I returned home , I took my suicide apparatus apart and stored the parts in different places in the garage . I realized that my biggest problem was that I retired after Sally died and mostly floated in my depression . As the day progressed I found I was feeling better . I took out a couple of suitcases and started tossing in mostly casual clothes . Before closing the suitcases , I took one last look around . Feeling a little light - headed , as if I 'd climbed too many steps at once , I opened her lingerie drawer . A whiff of her fading perfume floated gently up . Wiping a tear , I slammed it shut . I didn 't need this . Not now . But eventually , all roads lead to home . Sedona . Talk about a lovely town . With all the red rocks and rock formations around , it was a beautiful place . I desperately needed to move into something much smaller … mostly to escape memories . Over the next two weeks I looked at a number of places . Some so expensive as to make my eyes bug out at the price . Just about to give up and go to Phoenix , a place opened on the west end out against the hills . Major depression engulfed me like a thick , gray fog . For the first time in over a month I was ready to die . I bought a bottle of scotch . I sat in my living room looking out over the town with the unopened bottle in one hand , a gun in the other . The next day , I looked at my mountain bike hanging in the garage . I hadn 't ridden at all in a couple of years . I realized that hauling the bike around was going to be easier with a pickup than my Mercedes . As far as perfect Arizona days go , this had to be one of the best . Low 70 's , dry , brilliant blue sky . The trail I followed wasn 't too technical to start with as it meandered gently around boulders and cacti although it climbed continually upward . I was having the time of my life … no worries , no concerns , and I was alive . I was beginning a steep descent when I noticed tire tracks going off the trail down into a deep ravine . It was right in the curve and I hoped whoever biffed it was okay . I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye . A flash of blue ? Something . At the bottom of the descent , I stopped for water and looked back up the way I 'd come . It was a steep sucker and I 'd done well negotiating it . I thought I saw a flash of blue again up in some large rocks but then I decided I was wrong . I was still looking up there when I saw that blue flash again . I pulled the bike off the trail for the safety of anyone else coming down and started climbing up the ravine . I rounded a boulder and there , thirty feet further up was a girl , her leg caught between two large rocks . She wasn 't moving . Her lower right leg , just below her knee , was wedged between two rocks . The girl or woman , I couldn 't tell yet , was upside down , facing me . Her arms hung toward the ground , her helmet was crushed on one side . What I 'd seen was her blue jacket fluttering in the slight breeze . Quickly but carefully so I didn 't twist something myself , I climbed to her . I was afraid I was far too late to be any good . I felt her throat to see if she had a pulse . It was slow and steady . I was going to have to lift her upper body higher than the leg to extract her and it from the rocks . Thankfully , I was still in pretty good shape . I ducked below her so that her neck pressed against my chest . Gently and slowly I pushed up , raising her . She popped loose , causing me to fall backwards . I caught her in my arms as we fell to protect her from further injury as we crashed to the ground . I got her situated and took a quick look at the leg . It was definitely broken . " Uhh … " she said as she bit down the tip . She swallowed a couple of times . Letting go of the spout , she gasped , " Thanks . How bad am I , doc ? " " Looks like your right leg is broken . And I 'm not a doctor . " I had to smile . She was certainly pretty , in an ' injured female biker ' kind of way . " I haven 't looked for it . That 's secondary right now . There 's no service in this hole so I need to go up to the top . Will you be okay while I 'm gone ? " " Yeah , sure . Can … can I get more water ? " I gave her the backpack and hiked back to the top of the trail . The climb up made for shortness of breath but I did it and made the call . I enjoyed the rest of the ride back to where I parked . What a day , I thought , loading my bike in the truck . Great ride . I rescued a damsel in distress and felt better now than I had since before Sally died . I also realized I could think about her being gone without my heart flying up into my throat . Over the next several days I began trying to write , something I 'd wanted to do for years . I 'd had a couple of dystopian young adult / new adult ideas kicking around since I 'd read the ' Hunger Games ' books . But sitting inside wasn 't cutting it . I took my laptop and went down to the pool . I was deep into pounding the keys when a shadow crossed my table . Looking up I faced a good - looking woman , possibly in her mid - thirties . She had short , deep auburn hair , amazing gray eyes and a wide , beautiful smile . The woman was definitely curvaceous and about five - six or seven . She wore a dark blue bikini that was perfect on her . The only word that came to mind was ' hot . ' As in very . I shook my head . " Should I ? " She was on crutches . " I 'm sorry . Have a seat . " I pointed at the chair next to me . Sometimes , as Sally used to say , I could be thick as a brick . " Thanks . " She sat and stretched her right leg across the empty chair next to her . I saw the cast below her knee . An impish smile danced on her lips and her eyes sparkled . She set her bag on the table and leaned her crutches against another chair . " Look closely , " she said again . Trust me , I did . " Recognize me yet ? " Her voice was like liquid smoke . Throaty and sexy as could be . " Nice to meet you , again , Hal Williams . I 'm Sabrina Delgado . " We shook . I felt like a fool . I hadn 't been anywhere in ages where I could have met someone as beautiful as this woman and forgotten her . Just wasn 't possible . " Okay , Ms . Delgado , I really don 't remember you . Did I bump into your car at Safeway or something ? If I did I 'm sorry and I 'll pay for the damage . " She laughed again . " I saw you sitting here and at least I recognized you . I live over there , " she pointed about two doors down from my place . " I really can 't believe that the man who saved my life can 't remember doing it . I 'm the one with the , " she pointed at her right leg , " broken leg who no doubt would have died had you not come along . Now do you remember ? " Thick as a brick . Yep . That 's me . " That was you ? I 'm sorry I didn 't recognize you . I couldn 't see much of your face . The rest of you , well , I was busy trying to get you out of those rocks . " " Please , call me Sabrina . " She smiled brightly . " Other than my leg , I had some scrapes and bruises on my back and butt and a slight concussion . My leg has a simple break which is why I 'm now moving around . I hate hospitals which is a complete oxymoron . I 'm an orthopedic surgeon . " She laughed . " And you ? What do you do ? " " Yeah , widow . Three years ago my husband found out he had testicular cancer . He walked out in the desert and killed himself because he couldn 't live with it . " She paused . " Sorry . I realize that was too much information . On the other hand , he left me pretty well set and my practice is bustling . " We spent an hour getting to know one another before she had to go back to her place and rest . We decided to meet later . I 'd buy some food so she wouldn 't have to shop . " What did you bring ? " she asked later when I came in . She 'd changed into a translucently pale blue caftan . Made her look … ethereal , I guess , like some kind of an angel . As I sat the groceries down on her kitchen counter , she crossed between me and the setting sun , momentarily turning her caftan invisible . I honestly thought my heart would stop . She set dinnerware out on her deck table as I cooked steaks . While I was busy with the grill , she asked , " What would you like to drink ? I have wine , beer , Pepsi . " " That 's your game ? The one with the movies and novels ? The one that 's one of my all time favorites ? You wrote that ? " " But I 'm not telling all the story . It 's not been a bed of roses . A little over two years ago , I was attending an AA meeting . My wife and a friend of hers were t - boned by a woman running a stop sign at about seventy miles per hour . " I suddenly found myself choking up and took a deep drink to gather my wits . We finished eating quietly , the mood somber . Other than a comment about the game or biking , we didn 't say much more to each other . After dinner , I cleaned up while she sat on the deck . She yawned . " That 's probably best . I didn 't think this wine would wipe me out but it has . Thanks for the wonderful evening . " I bent and kissed her cheek and left . " Me too . Sorry about last night . I 'd taken a pain pill , no doubt a huge mistake . The wine finished me . Can I make it up to you tonight ? I 've had no alcohol and my leg 's tolerable today . " I almost yelled ' yes ! ' but reined myself in . " Well , if you 're up to it . How about I take you somewhere for dinner , if you haven 't eaten ? " She smiled widely . " Hi ! " Is it possible for a woman to become even more beautiful ? She managed it . Tonight she wore a soft , pale blue blouse and dark blue designer jeans . After dinner we drove up Oak Creek Canyon and enjoyed the crystal - clear desert air . The beautiful blue skies of the day faded to the black of night . At one point we stopped and looked the brilliant stars above . " Around ten . Say … I 've some excellent coffee here and I 'm made some fresh sopapillas . Care to join me for a light breakfast ? " Her sopapillas were delightful and filling . Our conversation hinted at things moving forward between us . She definitely looked good in her snug white short shorts and blue t - shirt . She cocked her hip and teased , " Why Hal Williams , I thought you were a gentleman . " Laughing at my perplexed look , she said , " You are ! And thank you for noticing . " " You were a good student . Ron , my ex , was all about him . " She blushed . " All he cared about was he 'd scored me , the college hottie . " " As a poor kid , I needed all the help I could get although I had a couple of partial scholarships . " She stopped and stared out into the distance . " I guess what I did with him makes me a whore . I had sex for money … his … and would do almost anything he suggested if it would keep me in school . I did things for him I am not proud of . " " No , I 've discussed this with my shrink , the one I needed after Ron 's suicide . I thought it was my fault he did it and , of course , it wasn 't . I 'm still dealing with it . " " I don 't care what you did before . You are here with me , right this second . And from right this second onward , that other Sabrina doesn 't exist . " Someone splashed into the cool , blue water of the pool below us . " Sabrina , please stop . I don 't care about any of that . Dry your eyes . To me you 're the incredible woman I pulled out of a ravine the other day . " My heart stopped dead in my chest . I know it did . I 've known this woman less than a week and she says that . Funny thing is that I was already feeling that way too . I offered her my hand . I never thought I 'd find another woman in a million years that could compare with Sally . I 'd done it in a week . Later , I was stirring my spaghetti sauce for dinner . She was wearing that pale blue caftan again , the one that made her look ghostly . My back was turned when she whispered , " Hal ? " Her voice sounded strange , breathless , I guess . I suddenly felt as if I had climbed a steep hill again . My chest constricted . I was short of breath . I … I couldn 't breathe … something was wrong . Terribly , terribly wrong . " … And finally , in local news tonight , the city of Sedona was stunned to hear that two of her citizens have been found dead . Noted software and game developer Hal Williams was found dead earlier today from an apparent suicide . And after a month of intense searching in and around the area , the body of noted orthopedic surgeon Dr . Sabrina Delgado was found this morning by hikers . They said it looked like she went off a trail while biking . Stay tuned for these developing stories . " Slowly I opened my eyes . I was lying on something hard and cold and no , it wasn 't my ex - husband . It was worse , if such a thing was possible . When I could focus , I saw white . I was surrounded by white . My confused mind tried to make sense of it . It couldn 't be my bed . I had blue striped sheets and it definitely wasn 't hard . It was cold , too . So , I wasn 't in my bed and I was not in a hospital bed , where was I ? I realized that I was the victim of a bad case of stupid . I had been up in the hayloft taking bales of hay off a trailer . I was in a hurry to get the hay in before this winter storm got worse and wearing the wrong shoes . Snow had blown into the open hayloft door and melted . The sill of the opening was wet and slick and I had slipped on the wet hay and fallen . How did I miss the trailer ? Didn 't know . I did know that I was a hundred yards from the house and I was in a whole world of trouble . The pain shot through me like a lightning bolt . I tried to push up with my right arm to see if I could figure out how bad off I was . It wasn 't a good idea . My right wrist was broken . As I tried not to pass out I realized that my hand was bent entirely the wrong way . Fighting for consciousness , I looked farther down my body . Right leg . Definitely broken mid - calf . I took a deep breath . I raised my left arm . It was good . Left leg ? Not so good . I 'd landed on a garden rake , one I should have put away last fall . My left calf was firmly impaled on several of the hard steel tines . I fell back , staring straight up into a blanket of white . Was this going to be my shroud ? Dead because of stupidity ? I remembered laughing with others on Facebook about people doing the stupid things people did . Karma had caught up with me . I wondered through my fog if other people were going to laugh at me for exactly the same thing . My name is Lucretia DiBartolo . ' Luke ' for short . My Dad had a terrible sense of humor and hung me with the name of a killer . Thanks Dad . But I couldn 't move . I could feel warmth where blood was puddling around my left leg and knew this wasn 't a good thing . Freeze or bleed to death . Great choice . I moaned out , " Gee , thanks Dad . " I knew it was useless to yell because there was no one on the ranch today but me . My daughter was in town with her fiancé , picking up her wedding gown . My son was overseas . The wedding was tomorrow . Shit . Mom in a cast . Wonderful . I wondered if I could get a cast to match my peach dress . My mind takes weird turns in dire situations . Who gave a crap if my dress matched my cast ? I needed to make that hundred yards first or it wouldn 't make any difference . Phone ! Of course . Gritting my teeth , I used my left hand to snake it out of my right back pocket . It was worthless . Now I 'm not a big girl at all but still , a fall from the hayloft onto an aluminum and glass phone wasn 't good and this phone was toast . Another mistake . I had been trying to make it a habit to put it in one of my breast pockets and close the button . What was the saying ? ' There is no try , only do ? ' Well I didn 't . I raised my head and tried to see through the whiteout . One hundred yards . Is that my epitaph ? One hundred yards but she wimped out ? I certainly hoped not . I had to take Dad 's advice , dead or not . I had to get to the house . I felt it getting colder and my jeans and barn jacket , warm as they were , weren 't going to cut it much longer . Slowly , I curled up , thanking God for all the crunchies I did , raised my left leg and smacked the rake handle . It fell out of my leg . I watched and waited a moment . I was bleeding but not gushing . A small miracle . I didn 't think I 'd bleed to death . " Right Dad . You ain 't out here . You died in a plane crash . In summer . So shut th ' fu … " I caught myself … " Just shut up . " To add to everything else , I was talking to a dead guy . Another elbow and knee combination . Repeat . I giggled . Like washing my graying hair ; wash , rinse , repeat . Elbow , knee , repeat . I told you I was losing it . A few more hard inches . Then a root . A ragged edge snagged my belt , stopping me dead . I screamed , or I thought I did , " Why is this tree here ? " Oh . I 'd planted it with my Dad when I was in the first grade . I felt myself beginning to lose it . My gloves were soaked . Was I going to lose fingers ? I worried about my right wrist and leg . How bad was it going to be ? I rested for a moment . After what seemed like days but was only minutes , I hoped , I looked back . The snow blocked my vision and I couldn 't see how far I 'd come . Damn . Somewhere out there ahead of me was the house , hidden in blowing snow . Well , I 've never been considered a sissy , so I pushed on . Pull with my elbow , push with my knee . I couldn 't feel my right arm now . You know ? No one ever tells you just how rough a yard can be . I thought mine was fairly smooth . Boy , was I wrong . There were sticks and rocks and more of those stupid roots . I was sure that I hit every single one of them . I made a promise to myself that if I survived this , I was going to haul in dirt and cover everything to putting green smoothness . I glanced back . I saw a short bloody trail that disappeared into the white . I think I 'd ripped my left hip open on something too . The snow thickened to the point that I couldn 't see beyond the end of my leg . Probably a good thing . There was a momentary pause in the blowing snow . I saw the driveway ! Almost there . Pull , push . Pull , push . I could see the steps leading to the kitchen . Thank God . Driving back from town , it was a good thing that I loved my girlfriend . The drive into town to pick up her wedding dress had been tough enough in the early part of the storm . Jeeze … we could have put the wedding off until next week after this storm passed . Besides her mom , it was just Linda , some mutual friends and me . Her brother was overseas and couldn 't get home . All my family was back east . They weren 't wild about me marrying some girl who lived on a ranch out in the middle of Nowhere , Idaho . At the moment , I was wondering why I was , too . I nodded . Two long hours on the road to drive five miles . Linda and her mom had the absolute best scotch and by god I was going to avail myself to some about three seconds after I got through the door . I might even take the time to pour a couple of fingers instead of slugging it down straight from the bottle . " Linda , " I looked at her , " I can see the driveway . Now , let me concentrate . Why you have this curve in it is a mystery . " She crossed her arms because she was getting huffy . Tension had been building between us . Both pre - marriage jitters and this seemingly never - ending , white - knuckle drive from town . He looked interesting so why not give it a try ? Henry Roberts looked to be in his mid - forties , tall with a good build . His profile photos showed him on a beach wearing baggy , multi - colored trunks and a nice tan . Additional pictures showed him standing in the snow with cross - country skis and wearing a bright red knit hat . His shoulder length , sandy blonde hair spilled out from under that hat . He had sexy curls , too . I kinda liked that . I hadn 't had a date in ages , although I 'd been told I was fairly attractive . I tried the on - line dating scene once , after my divorce a number of years ago . I found it a total waste of my time . Maybe on YourPlace I could meet someone in an entirely different setting ; get to know him and who knows ? I 'd heard of people meeting like this and actually getting married . I told him that I worked as a store manager for a chic boutique and loved biking and canoeing . Turned out he lived in the next town up the valley where he taught music at their local high school . He skied , hiked and kayaked . I wasn 't in a hurry to start dating , though , having been burned a couple of times before . When he suggested coffee , my children , well two of them , were excited for me . My twin daughters , fifteen , loved the idea of me dating again . My son , seventeen , was busy skateboarding and sort of dismissed mom dating as a waste of his time . We were going to meet at an Evangeline 's Bistro on the north end of my town . All day long I found myself more excited than I 'd been in a couple of years . As soon as I closed the store , I drove out to the coffee shop . I was a few minutes early so I went in and found a table by the window . The view was spectacular with spring in full force . The days were getting warmer and the nights were still a little chilly . It was one of my favorite times of year . I waited and did a little YourPlacing , chatting with my close friends around the country . After awhile I realized I was still alone . I checked my watch again and realized that my ' date ' was now thirty minutes late . This was not a good way to start a relationship . I messaged him and got no answer . I gave him another thirty minutes and if he was still a no - show , then screw him . Figuratively , of course . He didn 't and I left angry . When I got home , I kicked off my shoes , poured a glass of red wine , and then plopped on the couch . I hadn 't been stood - up since high school and it really pissed me off . Because of my red hair , or so I 'm told , I have a pretty good temper and at the moment it was running close to full tilt . I jumped up and got my laptop with the intention of unfriending this asshole . As I glanced at the mirror in the living room , a stranger looked back at me . That stopped me in my tracks . That woman had honey blonde hair and it was long ! What ? That certainly wasn 't possible . I 'm a blazing red head . Well , I was angry and tired and had been stood - up . Not a great combination to start with and maybe something from part of misspent youth was flashing back on me . Wouldn 't be the first time . I got my laptop , opened it , and went to my page . Strange , I thought , he wasn 't there . Not even in the Search YourPlace section . I worried . I was only thirty - seven and as far as I knew , too young for dementia or something . I returned to the couch and had a long swallow of my wine . As I thought about it , it occurred to me that maybe I was being played for some reason . Now I was really pissed . Why would anyone want to mess around with my mind like this ? I posted a couple of scathing comments about people who did that sort of thing , signed off , and had another glass of wine . I fed the kids , took a shower , and crashed . This was just too weird and maybe sleep would help . Next morning I found out that sleep had not helped . Something wasn 't right . I 'm busty , have a nice butt and excellent legs . Lord knows I work on them enough . To my immense surprise , my bras , all of them , were too small ! At least a full cup too small . I know my cycles and know that my breasts can go up half a cup once a month . It wasn 't that time yet . But my hair was red . Well , I was pushing forty so maybe hormonal changes were causing me to imagine things ? I held that thought until I pulled on my designer panties . They were too big ! What ? That definitely wasn 't right . The last time I wore them , exactly a week ago , they fit me perfectly . Now it was like they 'd jumped up about two sizes . So I pinned up the excess , growled at the kids , traffic , and life in general , and then went to work . I tried not to think about it . At lunch I received a message from Henry on my phone app asking if I wanted to try again . I am willing to give most people another chance so I replied with ' sure . ' Same place , same time . Same result . Knowing about kids trying to act grown up or men pretending to be women or women pretending to be men , I carefully scanned the cafe . The place was practically empty and nobody was paying the least bit of attention to me . Then I thought about trolls and stalkers . I checked the parking lot . Other than my car in front , the rest of the lot was empty . Everything was closed in the little mall but this Evangeline 's . I was being jacked around . When I got home , his account was there and a message apologizing for not meeting . Something had come up . Right . His wife , for instance ? She hugged me and didn 't make any comments about the fact I was two inches taller . I was six feet . My god . To think I 'd bitched since the eighth grade about being five - ten . But Holly didn 't say a thing . And my damn hair was now brunette . She didn 't say anything about that , either . Somebody was messing with me and I didn 't like it . Or maybe I was dreaming . Mushroom pizza before bed was always a bad idea . I took a shower and felt better but was still worried . I considered talking with Holly and Lorraine , her sister , about future care for me . Bob was with friends that night . I decided to pass on discussing this with the twins just now . I felt better after the shower so why scare them when it was obviously something else ? What , I hadn 't a clue . All kinds of terrible things went through my mind as I tried to sleep . Dressing for work the next morning , everything fit . My underwear was the right size , my blue denim skirt fit exactly right and I was back to five - ten . Maybe I 'd had some kind of weird reaction to something I 'd eaten after all . As my kids would say , I tended to keep things in the refrigerator until they developed intelligence . Dismissing it , I drove to the shop and went in ; the smell of all those flowers hit me hard . That night I sipped my rum and wondered about it . I hadn 't fallen at all most of my life . Well , once , and that was out of a tree when I was twelve . I 'd broken my arm but hadn 't hit my head . I 'd never been in a car accident and never had a bike crash . Besides , I always wore a helmet . Rum ? I looked at the glass and carefully set it down . I got up and realized my house wasn 't right . Where was that nifty little wine rack I 'd had for several years ? The one I 'd painted brick red ? My pot rack that hung over the island … that wasn 't there , either . Now I was becoming very frightened . I ran to the bathroom , just making the toilet … avocado ? Seriously ? And vomited hard until I was into dry heaves . Lorraine ran in and comforted me until I could stand and get into the shower . She helped me undress … all my underwear today was blue . Blue ? I distinctly remembered wearing pink to work . This stuff was see - through too . I don 't have anything that transparent because while I may look pretty hot , my underwear was always somewhat conservative . Hell , I was wearing a blue thong ! Turning , Lorraine stood there and looked at me , crying . There was intense sadness in her face as if facing some impending loss . I could suddenly see through her eyes . Wait ! Her body shimmered and faded . No ! The mirror above my dresser reflected … nothing . There was no reflection of me standing there , no reflection of me on the bed . Nothing . " Bite me Harold , " he said as he looked at the screen . " Mom and Dad won 't let me mess with programs like this at home . Besides , I liked her better tall with the big boobs . " " You perv , " Harold replied . " She looked good like she was . Well , I thought she was nice . You didn 't even make her ass look right . Let 's just delete all of it and start over . "
|
My wife of thirty years died two years ago . Our three kids were grown and gone . I picked up the bag . Should I or shouldn 't I ? Shrugging , I attached the rubber hose to the tank and continued to toy with the bag . I attached the hose to the side of the bag . Now all I had to do was pull it over my head and zip it as closed as I could . Then … reach over and turn the valve . Four or five deep breaths and bye - bye , see you later , adios . I put the bag down and went over to my desk . Everything was good . I neatly stacked the papers in front of my monitor , signed places where I needed to sign and listed all my passwords . There was nothing on the hard drive anyone shouldn 't see . I didn 't want to answer but something told me it might be important . It was . " This is Hal . What 's up , Simon ? " " Hey ! Glad I caught you . " If he only knew . " Hal , I need an original signature on a form before I can finalize your rights to the game . Sorry man . " " Sure Hal . Take your time . It 's not like we don 't have plenty of it . See you when you get here . I 'll have Nancy show you in so you won 't have to wait . " " Hal ? Are you okay ? You look , I don 't know , depressed , I guess . I don 't normally say this to people but as I 've known you since the sixth grade , I think I can . You need to see somebody about losing Sally . It 's tearing you apart and has since she passed . Man , I can see it in your face . " " Listen . Do yourself a favor . Why don 't you wander down to Evangeline 's and have a cup of coffee . I want you to consider whatever it is you 're thinking about . Really think about it . Why don 't you go somewhere different for a while ? Head over to the coast . San Francisco ? Seattle ? Someplace green . I guarantee the change of scenery will do you good . " I nodded and left the building and decided Simon was right . I really wanted a cup of coffee … a last cup . Evangeline 's was on the corner . As I passed the newspaper box I glimpsed a bold headline : I shrugged . Didn 't need to read the rest . People were forever getting lost in the mountains here . But I hoped they would find whoever it was . Maybe I really did need a change . Every place I went here brought her back . I was overwhelmed with memories and I couldn 't seem to shake the despair . When I returned home , I took my suicide apparatus apart and stored the parts in different places in the garage . I realized that my biggest problem was that I retired after Sally died and mostly floated in my depression . As the day progressed I found I was feeling better . I took out a couple of suitcases and started tossing in mostly casual clothes . Before closing the suitcases , I took one last look around . Feeling a little light - headed , as if I 'd climbed too many steps at once , I opened her lingerie drawer . A whiff of her fading perfume floated gently up . Wiping a tear , I slammed it shut . I didn 't need this . Not now . But eventually , all roads lead to home . Sedona . Talk about a lovely town . With all the red rocks and rock formations around , it was a beautiful place . I desperately needed to move into something much smaller … mostly to escape memories . Over the next two weeks I looked at a number of places . Some so expensive as to make my eyes bug out at the price . Just about to give up and go to Phoenix , a place opened on the west end out against the hills . Major depression engulfed me like a thick , gray fog . For the first time in over a month I was ready to die . I bought a bottle of scotch . I sat in my living room looking out over the town with the unopened bottle in one hand , a gun in the other . The next day , I looked at my mountain bike hanging in the garage . I hadn 't ridden at all in a couple of years . I realized that hauling the bike around was going to be easier with a pickup than my Mercedes . As far as perfect Arizona days go , this had to be one of the best . Low 70 's , dry , brilliant blue sky . The trail I followed wasn 't too technical to start with as it meandered gently around boulders and cacti although it climbed continually upward . I was having the time of my life … no worries , no concerns , and I was alive . I was beginning a steep descent when I noticed tire tracks going off the trail down into a deep ravine . It was right in the curve and I hoped whoever biffed it was okay . I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye . A flash of blue ? Something . At the bottom of the descent , I stopped for water and looked back up the way I 'd come . It was a steep sucker and I 'd done well negotiating it . I thought I saw a flash of blue again up in some large rocks but then I decided I was wrong . I was still looking up there when I saw that blue flash again . I pulled the bike off the trail for the safety of anyone else coming down and started climbing up the ravine . I rounded a boulder and there , thirty feet further up was a girl , her leg caught between two large rocks . She wasn 't moving . Her lower right leg , just below her knee , was wedged between two rocks . The girl or woman , I couldn 't tell yet , was upside down , facing me . Her arms hung toward the ground , her helmet was crushed on one side . What I 'd seen was her blue jacket fluttering in the slight breeze . Quickly but carefully so I didn 't twist something myself , I climbed to her . I was afraid I was far too late to be any good . I felt her throat to see if she had a pulse . It was slow and steady . I was going to have to lift her upper body higher than the leg to extract her and it from the rocks . Thankfully , I was still in pretty good shape . I ducked below her so that her neck pressed against my chest . Gently and slowly I pushed up , raising her . She popped loose , causing me to fall backwards . I caught her in my arms as we fell to protect her from further injury as we crashed to the ground . I got her situated and took a quick look at the leg . It was definitely broken . " Uhh … " she said as she bit down the tip . She swallowed a couple of times . Letting go of the spout , she gasped , " Thanks . How bad am I , doc ? " " Looks like your right leg is broken . And I 'm not a doctor . " I had to smile . She was certainly pretty , in an ' injured female biker ' kind of way . " I haven 't looked for it . That 's secondary right now . There 's no service in this hole so I need to go up to the top . Will you be okay while I 'm gone ? " " Yeah , sure . Can … can I get more water ? " I gave her the backpack and hiked back to the top of the trail . The climb up made for shortness of breath but I did it and made the call . I enjoyed the rest of the ride back to where I parked . What a day , I thought , loading my bike in the truck . Great ride . I rescued a damsel in distress and felt better now than I had since before Sally died . I also realized I could think about her being gone without my heart flying up into my throat . Over the next several days I began trying to write , something I 'd wanted to do for years . I 'd had a couple of dystopian young adult / new adult ideas kicking around since I 'd read the ' Hunger Games ' books . But sitting inside wasn 't cutting it . I took my laptop and went down to the pool . I was deep into pounding the keys when a shadow crossed my table . Looking up I faced a good - looking woman , possibly in her mid - thirties . She had short , deep auburn hair , amazing gray eyes and a wide , beautiful smile . The woman was definitely curvaceous and about five - six or seven . She wore a dark blue bikini that was perfect on her . The only word that came to mind was ' hot . ' As in very . I shook my head . " Should I ? " She was on crutches . " I 'm sorry . Have a seat . " I pointed at the chair next to me . Sometimes , as Sally used to say , I could be thick as a brick . " Thanks . " She sat and stretched her right leg across the empty chair next to her . I saw the cast below her knee . An impish smile danced on her lips and her eyes sparkled . She set her bag on the table and leaned her crutches against another chair . " Look closely , " she said again . Trust me , I did . " Recognize me yet ? " Her voice was like liquid smoke . Throaty and sexy as could be . " Nice to meet you , again , Hal Williams . I 'm Sabrina Delgado . " We shook . I felt like a fool . I hadn 't been anywhere in ages where I could have met someone as beautiful as this woman and forgotten her . Just wasn 't possible . " Okay , Ms . Delgado , I really don 't remember you . Did I bump into your car at Safeway or something ? If I did I 'm sorry and I 'll pay for the damage . " She laughed again . " I saw you sitting here and at least I recognized you . I live over there , " she pointed about two doors down from my place . " I really can 't believe that the man who saved my life can 't remember doing it . I 'm the one with the , " she pointed at her right leg , " broken leg who no doubt would have died had you not come along . Now do you remember ? " Thick as a brick . Yep . That 's me . " That was you ? I 'm sorry I didn 't recognize you . I couldn 't see much of your face . The rest of you , well , I was busy trying to get you out of those rocks . " " Please , call me Sabrina . " She smiled brightly . " Other than my leg , I had some scrapes and bruises on my back and butt and a slight concussion . My leg has a simple break which is why I 'm now moving around . I hate hospitals which is a complete oxymoron . I 'm an orthopedic surgeon . " She laughed . " And you ? What do you do ? " " Yeah , widow . Three years ago my husband found out he had testicular cancer . He walked out in the desert and killed himself because he couldn 't live with it . " She paused . " Sorry . I realize that was too much information . On the other hand , he left me pretty well set and my practice is bustling . " We spent an hour getting to know one another before she had to go back to her place and rest . We decided to meet later . I 'd buy some food so she wouldn 't have to shop . " What did you bring ? " she asked later when I came in . She 'd changed into a translucently pale blue caftan . Made her look … ethereal , I guess , like some kind of an angel . As I sat the groceries down on her kitchen counter , she crossed between me and the setting sun , momentarily turning her caftan invisible . I honestly thought my heart would stop . She set dinnerware out on her deck table as I cooked steaks . While I was busy with the grill , she asked , " What would you like to drink ? I have wine , beer , Pepsi . " " That 's your game ? The one with the movies and novels ? The one that 's one of my all time favorites ? You wrote that ? " " But I 'm not telling all the story . It 's not been a bed of roses . A little over two years ago , I was attending an AA meeting . My wife and a friend of hers were t - boned by a woman running a stop sign at about seventy miles per hour . " I suddenly found myself choking up and took a deep drink to gather my wits . We finished eating quietly , the mood somber . Other than a comment about the game or biking , we didn 't say much more to each other . After dinner , I cleaned up while she sat on the deck . She yawned . " That 's probably best . I didn 't think this wine would wipe me out but it has . Thanks for the wonderful evening . " I bent and kissed her cheek and left . " Me too . Sorry about last night . I 'd taken a pain pill , no doubt a huge mistake . The wine finished me . Can I make it up to you tonight ? I 've had no alcohol and my leg 's tolerable today . " I almost yelled ' yes ! ' but reined myself in . " Well , if you 're up to it . How about I take you somewhere for dinner , if you haven 't eaten ? " She smiled widely . " Hi ! " Is it possible for a woman to become even more beautiful ? She managed it . Tonight she wore a soft , pale blue blouse and dark blue designer jeans . After dinner we drove up Oak Creek Canyon and enjoyed the crystal - clear desert air . The beautiful blue skies of the day faded to the black of night . At one point we stopped and looked the brilliant stars above . " Around ten . Say … I 've some excellent coffee here and I 'm made some fresh sopapillas . Care to join me for a light breakfast ? " Her sopapillas were delightful and filling . Our conversation hinted at things moving forward between us . She definitely looked good in her snug white short shorts and blue t - shirt . She cocked her hip and teased , " Why Hal Williams , I thought you were a gentleman . " Laughing at my perplexed look , she said , " You are ! And thank you for noticing . " " You were a good student . Ron , my ex , was all about him . " She blushed . " All he cared about was he 'd scored me , the college hottie . " " As a poor kid , I needed all the help I could get although I had a couple of partial scholarships . " She stopped and stared out into the distance . " I guess what I did with him makes me a whore . I had sex for money … his … and would do almost anything he suggested if it would keep me in school . I did things for him I am not proud of . " " No , I 've discussed this with my shrink , the one I needed after Ron 's suicide . I thought it was my fault he did it and , of course , it wasn 't . I 'm still dealing with it . " " I don 't care what you did before . You are here with me , right this second . And from right this second onward , that other Sabrina doesn 't exist . " Someone splashed into the cool , blue water of the pool below us . " Sabrina , please stop . I don 't care about any of that . Dry your eyes . To me you 're the incredible woman I pulled out of a ravine the other day . " My heart stopped dead in my chest . I know it did . I 've known this woman less than a week and she says that . Funny thing is that I was already feeling that way too . I offered her my hand . I never thought I 'd find another woman in a million years that could compare with Sally . I 'd done it in a week . Later , I was stirring my spaghetti sauce for dinner . She was wearing that pale blue caftan again , the one that made her look ghostly . My back was turned when she whispered , " Hal ? " Her voice sounded strange , breathless , I guess . I suddenly felt as if I had climbed a steep hill again . My chest constricted . I was short of breath . I … I couldn 't breathe … something was wrong . Terribly , terribly wrong . " … And finally , in local news tonight , the city of Sedona was stunned to hear that two of her citizens have been found dead . Noted software and game developer Hal Williams was found dead earlier today from an apparent suicide . And after a month of intense searching in and around the area , the body of noted orthopedic surgeon Dr . Sabrina Delgado was found this morning by hikers . They said it looked like she went off a trail while biking . Stay tuned for these developing stories . " Slowly I opened my eyes . I was lying on something hard and cold and no , it wasn 't my ex - husband . It was worse , if such a thing was possible . When I could focus , I saw white . I was surrounded by white . My confused mind tried to make sense of it . It couldn 't be my bed . I had blue striped sheets and it definitely wasn 't hard . It was cold , too . So , I wasn 't in my bed and I was not in a hospital bed , where was I ? I realized that I was the victim of a bad case of stupid . I had been up in the hayloft taking bales of hay off a trailer . I was in a hurry to get the hay in before this winter storm got worse and wearing the wrong shoes . Snow had blown into the open hayloft door and melted . The sill of the opening was wet and slick and I had slipped on the wet hay and fallen . How did I miss the trailer ? Didn 't know . I did know that I was a hundred yards from the house and I was in a whole world of trouble . The pain shot through me like a lightning bolt . I tried to push up with my right arm to see if I could figure out how bad off I was . It wasn 't a good idea . My right wrist was broken . As I tried not to pass out I realized that my hand was bent entirely the wrong way . Fighting for consciousness , I looked farther down my body . Right leg . Definitely broken mid - calf . I took a deep breath . I raised my left arm . It was good . Left leg ? Not so good . I 'd landed on a garden rake , one I should have put away last fall . My left calf was firmly impaled on several of the hard steel tines . I fell back , staring straight up into a blanket of white . Was this going to be my shroud ? Dead because of stupidity ? I remembered laughing with others on Facebook about people doing the stupid things people did . Karma had caught up with me . I wondered through my fog if other people were going to laugh at me for exactly the same thing . My name is Lucretia DiBartolo . ' Luke ' for short . My Dad had a terrible sense of humor and hung me with the name of a killer . Thanks Dad . But I couldn 't move . I could feel warmth where blood was puddling around my left leg and knew this wasn 't a good thing . Freeze or bleed to death . Great choice . I moaned out , " Gee , thanks Dad . " I knew it was useless to yell because there was no one on the ranch today but me . My daughter was in town with her fiancé , picking up her wedding gown . My son was overseas . The wedding was tomorrow . Shit . Mom in a cast . Wonderful . I wondered if I could get a cast to match my peach dress . My mind takes weird turns in dire situations . Who gave a crap if my dress matched my cast ? I needed to make that hundred yards first or it wouldn 't make any difference . Phone ! Of course . Gritting my teeth , I used my left hand to snake it out of my right back pocket . It was worthless . Now I 'm not a big girl at all but still , a fall from the hayloft onto an aluminum and glass phone wasn 't good and this phone was toast . Another mistake . I had been trying to make it a habit to put it in one of my breast pockets and close the button . What was the saying ? ' There is no try , only do ? ' Well I didn 't . I raised my head and tried to see through the whiteout . One hundred yards . Is that my epitaph ? One hundred yards but she wimped out ? I certainly hoped not . I had to take Dad 's advice , dead or not . I had to get to the house . I felt it getting colder and my jeans and barn jacket , warm as they were , weren 't going to cut it much longer . Slowly , I curled up , thanking God for all the crunchies I did , raised my left leg and smacked the rake handle . It fell out of my leg . I watched and waited a moment . I was bleeding but not gushing . A small miracle . I didn 't think I 'd bleed to death . " Right Dad . You ain 't out here . You died in a plane crash . In summer . So shut th ' fu … " I caught myself … " Just shut up . " To add to everything else , I was talking to a dead guy . Another elbow and knee combination . Repeat . I giggled . Like washing my graying hair ; wash , rinse , repeat . Elbow , knee , repeat . I told you I was losing it . A few more hard inches . Then a root . A ragged edge snagged my belt , stopping me dead . I screamed , or I thought I did , " Why is this tree here ? " Oh . I 'd planted it with my Dad when I was in the first grade . I felt myself beginning to lose it . My gloves were soaked . Was I going to lose fingers ? I worried about my right wrist and leg . How bad was it going to be ? I rested for a moment . After what seemed like days but was only minutes , I hoped , I looked back . The snow blocked my vision and I couldn 't see how far I 'd come . Damn . Somewhere out there ahead of me was the house , hidden in blowing snow . Well , I 've never been considered a sissy , so I pushed on . Pull with my elbow , push with my knee . I couldn 't feel my right arm now . You know ? No one ever tells you just how rough a yard can be . I thought mine was fairly smooth . Boy , was I wrong . There were sticks and rocks and more of those stupid roots . I was sure that I hit every single one of them . I made a promise to myself that if I survived this , I was going to haul in dirt and cover everything to putting green smoothness . I glanced back . I saw a short bloody trail that disappeared into the white . I think I 'd ripped my left hip open on something too . The snow thickened to the point that I couldn 't see beyond the end of my leg . Probably a good thing . There was a momentary pause in the blowing snow . I saw the driveway ! Almost there . Pull , push . Pull , push . I could see the steps leading to the kitchen . Thank God . Driving back from town , it was a good thing that I loved my girlfriend . The drive into town to pick up her wedding dress had been tough enough in the early part of the storm . Jeeze … we could have put the wedding off until next week after this storm passed . Besides her mom , it was just Linda , some mutual friends and me . Her brother was overseas and couldn 't get home . All my family was back east . They weren 't wild about me marrying some girl who lived on a ranch out in the middle of Nowhere , Idaho . At the moment , I was wondering why I was , too . I nodded . Two long hours on the road to drive five miles . Linda and her mom had the absolute best scotch and by god I was going to avail myself to some about three seconds after I got through the door . I might even take the time to pour a couple of fingers instead of slugging it down straight from the bottle . " Linda , " I looked at her , " I can see the driveway . Now , let me concentrate . Why you have this curve in it is a mystery . " She crossed her arms because she was getting huffy . Tension had been building between us . Both pre - marriage jitters and this seemingly never - ending , white - knuckle drive from town . He looked interesting so why not give it a try ? Henry Roberts looked to be in his mid - forties , tall with a good build . His profile photos showed him on a beach wearing baggy , multi - colored trunks and a nice tan . Additional pictures showed him standing in the snow with cross - country skis and wearing a bright red knit hat . His shoulder length , sandy blonde hair spilled out from under that hat . He had sexy curls , too . I kinda liked that . I hadn 't had a date in ages , although I 'd been told I was fairly attractive . I tried the on - line dating scene once , after my divorce a number of years ago . I found it a total waste of my time . Maybe on YourPlace I could meet someone in an entirely different setting ; get to know him and who knows ? I 'd heard of people meeting like this and actually getting married . I told him that I worked as a store manager for a chic boutique and loved biking and canoeing . Turned out he lived in the next town up the valley where he taught music at their local high school . He skied , hiked and kayaked . I wasn 't in a hurry to start dating , though , having been burned a couple of times before . When he suggested coffee , my children , well two of them , were excited for me . My twin daughters , fifteen , loved the idea of me dating again . My son , seventeen , was busy skateboarding and sort of dismissed mom dating as a waste of his time . We were going to meet at an Evangeline 's Bistro on the north end of my town . All day long I found myself more excited than I 'd been in a couple of years . As soon as I closed the store , I drove out to the coffee shop . I was a few minutes early so I went in and found a table by the window . The view was spectacular with spring in full force . The days were getting warmer and the nights were still a little chilly . It was one of my favorite times of year . I waited and did a little YourPlacing , chatting with my close friends around the country . After awhile I realized I was still alone . I checked my watch again and realized that my ' date ' was now thirty minutes late . This was not a good way to start a relationship . I messaged him and got no answer . I gave him another thirty minutes and if he was still a no - show , then screw him . Figuratively , of course . He didn 't and I left angry . When I got home , I kicked off my shoes , poured a glass of red wine , and then plopped on the couch . I hadn 't been stood - up since high school and it really pissed me off . Because of my red hair , or so I 'm told , I have a pretty good temper and at the moment it was running close to full tilt . I jumped up and got my laptop with the intention of unfriending this asshole . As I glanced at the mirror in the living room , a stranger looked back at me . That stopped me in my tracks . That woman had honey blonde hair and it was long ! What ? That certainly wasn 't possible . I 'm a blazing red head . Well , I was angry and tired and had been stood - up . Not a great combination to start with and maybe something from part of misspent youth was flashing back on me . Wouldn 't be the first time . I got my laptop , opened it , and went to my page . Strange , I thought , he wasn 't there . Not even in the Search YourPlace section . I worried . I was only thirty - seven and as far as I knew , too young for dementia or something . I returned to the couch and had a long swallow of my wine . As I thought about it , it occurred to me that maybe I was being played for some reason . Now I was really pissed . Why would anyone want to mess around with my mind like this ? I posted a couple of scathing comments about people who did that sort of thing , signed off , and had another glass of wine . I fed the kids , took a shower , and crashed . This was just too weird and maybe sleep would help . Next morning I found out that sleep had not helped . Something wasn 't right . I 'm busty , have a nice butt and excellent legs . Lord knows I work on them enough . To my immense surprise , my bras , all of them , were too small ! At least a full cup too small . I know my cycles and know that my breasts can go up half a cup once a month . It wasn 't that time yet . But my hair was red . Well , I was pushing forty so maybe hormonal changes were causing me to imagine things ? I held that thought until I pulled on my designer panties . They were too big ! What ? That definitely wasn 't right . The last time I wore them , exactly a week ago , they fit me perfectly . Now it was like they 'd jumped up about two sizes . So I pinned up the excess , growled at the kids , traffic , and life in general , and then went to work . I tried not to think about it . At lunch I received a message from Henry on my phone app asking if I wanted to try again . I am willing to give most people another chance so I replied with ' sure . ' Same place , same time . Same result . Knowing about kids trying to act grown up or men pretending to be women or women pretending to be men , I carefully scanned the cafe . The place was practically empty and nobody was paying the least bit of attention to me . Then I thought about trolls and stalkers . I checked the parking lot . Other than my car in front , the rest of the lot was empty . Everything was closed in the little mall but this Evangeline 's . I was being jacked around . When I got home , his account was there and a message apologizing for not meeting . Something had come up . Right . His wife , for instance ? She hugged me and didn 't make any comments about the fact I was two inches taller . I was six feet . My god . To think I 'd bitched since the eighth grade about being five - ten . But Holly didn 't say a thing . And my damn hair was now brunette . She didn 't say anything about that , either . Somebody was messing with me and I didn 't like it . Or maybe I was dreaming . Mushroom pizza before bed was always a bad idea . I took a shower and felt better but was still worried . I considered talking with Holly and Lorraine , her sister , about future care for me . Bob was with friends that night . I decided to pass on discussing this with the twins just now . I felt better after the shower so why scare them when it was obviously something else ? What , I hadn 't a clue . All kinds of terrible things went through my mind as I tried to sleep . Dressing for work the next morning , everything fit . My underwear was the right size , my blue denim skirt fit exactly right and I was back to five - ten . Maybe I 'd had some kind of weird reaction to something I 'd eaten after all . As my kids would say , I tended to keep things in the refrigerator until they developed intelligence . Dismissing it , I drove to the shop and went in ; the smell of all those flowers hit me hard . That night I sipped my rum and wondered about it . I hadn 't fallen at all most of my life . Well , once , and that was out of a tree when I was twelve . I 'd broken my arm but hadn 't hit my head . I 'd never been in a car accident and never had a bike crash . Besides , I always wore a helmet . Rum ? I looked at the glass and carefully set it down . I got up and realized my house wasn 't right . Where was that nifty little wine rack I 'd had for several years ? The one I 'd painted brick red ? My pot rack that hung over the island … that wasn 't there , either . Now I was becoming very frightened . I ran to the bathroom , just making the toilet … avocado ? Seriously ? And vomited hard until I was into dry heaves . Lorraine ran in and comforted me until I could stand and get into the shower . She helped me undress … all my underwear today was blue . Blue ? I distinctly remembered wearing pink to work . This stuff was see - through too . I don 't have anything that transparent because while I may look pretty hot , my underwear was always somewhat conservative . Hell , I was wearing a blue thong ! Turning , Lorraine stood there and looked at me , crying . There was intense sadness in her face as if facing some impending loss . I could suddenly see through her eyes . Wait ! Her body shimmered and faded . No ! The mirror above my dresser reflected … nothing . There was no reflection of me standing there , no reflection of me on the bed . Nothing . " Bite me Harold , " he said as he looked at the screen . " Mom and Dad won 't let me mess with programs like this at home . Besides , I liked her better tall with the big boobs . " " You perv , " Harold replied . " She looked good like she was . Well , I thought she was nice . You didn 't even make her ass look right . Let 's just delete all of it and start over . "
|
On my birthday in 2011 , I got an idea in my head - to write fiction every day for 365 days . It was based on the many 365 projects that I had seen around the web . Some people documented their meals or took pictures of their feet or whatever . I decided to use this idea to get back into something that I really knew I was good at and that I enjoyed doing - writing stories . For a while , that worked out brilliantly . I think I got all the way to February of 2012 before everything collapsed , but more on that in a bit . During the year , I created worlds - hundreds of people , companies , small towns . I made new histories , societies , and hinted at things that even I wasn 't sure about . I saw the beginnings of new societies and the last throes of the universe , and it was really good fun . Every night I would come home and start writing . The Boyfriend didn 't really get what I was trying to do - I would try to explain what I was writing , and usually after a few sentences he 'd had enough and just wished me Good Luck . Sometimes he suggested I take a day off , or maybe even a weekend . I said no - if I took a day off then I 'd take another , and then another . I didn 't want that to happen . In retrospect , all I can say is that I hate when I prove myself right . I posted everything I came up with , even the ones that imploded halfway through . A few of them were long , multi - day epics and others were flashes of barely half a thousand words . I wrote things for # fridayflash and for the fine people at Worth1000 ( who must think I 've died or something ) . I blasted my way through NaNoWriMo , something I hadn 't even attempted since 2004 or so . All in all , I probably wrote about 250 entries over the course of the year . And then the end of the school year approached , with the finely - tuned mental and organizational chaos that only comes in that time and that place . And I was dumb enough to start playing Skyrim , even though I knew - I knew - what it would do to my attention span . February 12th pretty much marks the last regular day of posting . 263 days . A few interruptions due to vacation or illness , but still . Believe me , when I started , I didn 't think I would last nearly as long as I did . I figured a few weeks , at best , before I either got distracted or disheartened . Making it as long as I did is a feat unto itself . It helped that kept meticulous records of my progress , filling up several spreadsheets with data . There was one that kept track of the dates and titles and word counts , another for the characters , and a third for world - building . I used mind - mapping software to see how my stories fit together , and even tried drawing some of the characters . I showed that I could not only build a world , but I could build those connections within the world . I could make a place varied and interesting enough that characters could not only have their own stories , but they could have new and interesting stories with each other . I could examine their backstories and motivations and work out some sense of a future for these people and places . I wrote in a variety of genres and made conscious attempts to write outside my boundaries , both in terms of style , genre , and character . On the other hand , I didn 't make my goal of a full 365 days . The title of the blog proved to be highly inaccurate , and I let my weaknesses overcome me . I know that one of the biggest requirements of a writer is that doing this needs to be the most important thing in his or her life , and I dropped the ball there . I let life get in the way of writing , and even though I 'm sure any writer will tell me that these things happen , I still feel a bit bad about it . I made a plan and I failed to follow through with it . That sucks no matter how it happens . In addition , I gained a small following of readers , people who subscribed to the blog and left very kind comments and feedback , and I feel like I let them down . Not on a George R . R . Martin level of let - down , mind you , but still - I made a promise to these readers , and I did not fulfill it . For that , I sincerely apologize . On balance , though , I 'll call this a success . I proved that I can dedicate myself to a goal , as long as I am realistic about both its limits and mine . I found where my strengths and weaknesses are as a writer , and worked to improve them . And , most importantly , I built up a body of work that will serve as a foundation for future writing . I think there 's a lot more gold in there than I ever planned on finding , and I 'll mine it as best I can . Iris had never understood why first dates were dreaded the way they were . Her friends talked about them like they were some kind of combat ritual , some horror show that had to be endured so that they might enter the realms of the mighty who had boyfriends and girlfriends . They traded stories about they guys who were too clingy , the ones who were too rough , the girls who were too shy or too loud , and each and every one of them just reinforced their ideas that the world was full of miserable , deranged sociopaths who wanted nothing more than to destroy a lovely evening out . It was the truth , though . She 'd met Lloyd at the post office , of all places , waiting in line behind an old woman who apparently wanted to send birthday cards to all of her grandchildren at once and with excruciating care . He and Iris had gotten to chatting about how this was such a first - world problem , and she told him about the time she had to wait a whole extra half hour at the DMV and he lamented about the cable company never coming when they promised , and they really hit it off . By the time they picked up their respective packages , he had her number , and called a couple of days later for a date . They met at Javaville , because coffee shops were considered neutral ground , and talked about themselves over drinks . A few people waved at him when he came in , which was good . She got her coffee black , his was a soy milk latte , and she took a chance with some routine she 'd heard from a comedian on TV a few years ago . He thought about this and nodded . " I suppose you 're right , " he said . " But then we 'd have to call it ' soy juice , ' and no one in their right mind would drink soy juice . " He winked and sipped at his latte . Iris suspected he had seen the same comedian , because that was pretty much the punchline to the joke . If he had , though , he didn 't call her on it . They walked through the Hortus , the vast park in the center of the city . It was a lovely spring day and the water lilies were in bloom , making it almost tailor - made for a romantic first date . He walked close to her , but not too close , and talked about himself without seeming self - obsessed . In turn , Iris told stories about what she had done and where she had been , and didn 't try to crib from comedians anymore . They ended the day at dinner , at a restaurant he promised was the best in the city . She stood in front of the chalkboard for a good minute and a half trying to work out the name of the place . Lloyd let her try it out a few times before he grinned and said , " It 's ' Yggdrasillusions . ' " He shrugged . " The owner has a thing for Norse mythology . Most of us just call it ' Iggy 's ' to keep things simple . " He walked over and opened the door . " Ladies first ? " The restaurant was green . Really green . There were plants everywhere - hanging from the ceiling , growing in window boxes , and even vines crawling up the rough - hewn wooden walls . The restaurant smelled of heavy spices and loam , and light jazzy music piped in through speakers overhead . Young , pretty waitresses weaved through tables where couples and threesomes and foursomes were eating and chatting and laughing . Lloyd waved to a few people and patted some shoulders as they went to their table . Everyone seemed to know him , and they smiled when they saw him , all of which struck Iris as a good sign . Not how she was usually greeted when she walked into a place , but she 'd take it . The waitress was at their table as soon as they sat down . " Hi , " she said . " I 'm Emili , and our specials tonight are a raw Mediterranean pesto torta , portabello burgers , and the chef 's special kale and spinach lasagna . " She beamed . " It 's really good , I had some for lunch today . " Emili nodded and handed them menus before gliding off to help someone else . As Iris leafed through the menu , she felt her stomach grow cold . A sneaking suspicion was winding its way though her mind , and each dish she read off the menu seemed to confirm it . After a few minutes she looked up at Lloyd . " Is this a vegan restaurant ? " she asked . She wanted to tell him that it wasn 't okay . It wasn 't remotely okay . She wanted to tell him that an otherwise lovely first date had suddenly turned into the inevitable horrible endurance trial her friends talked about , where she could see if she could get through the next hour and a half without being sick . Or going mad . But she didn 't . " No , " she said . " No , it 's fine . " She smiled back at him , but she suspected Lloyd knew something was wrong . They started off with a mountain vegetable tempura , accompanied by two different dipping sauces - one a spicy chili and the other a sweet plum sauce . Lloyd raved about them and told her about the time he tried to get the recipe off the chef , and how that had led him to a whole weird series of bets and bargains . To Iris , they tasted like chalk . Bland , flavorless bits that vanished from her memory as soon as she swallowed them . The main course was a spicy chana masala , one of several Indian dishes that were on the menu . Emili told them about how the restaurant owner had gotten that recipe from a man he met while backpacking in India and how they were the only restaurant in the city to serve it . Lloyd clearly loved it , barely stopping to talk as he ate . Emili brought over some lychee - soy milk drinks and said they were on the house . Iris picked at her food until she realized she was picking at it . She didn 't want to be That Date , the one he told stories about to his friends - Yeah , I brought her to my favorite place and she just nibbled at the food - so she scooped up spoonfuls and tried her best to look like she was enjoying herself . It went down like the flavorless pap they gave to babies and old people . There was no substance to it , no energy , and she wasn 't even sure it reached her stomach . The only thing even remotely good was the wine , but she suspected it was made from organic grapes by the thinness and emptiness of its flavor . After a dessert of non - dairy ice cream and some coffee , Lloyd sat back , looking full and happy . " This really is a great place , " he said . " I 'd come here every night if I could . " Iris forced herself to smile and hoped her stomach wouldn 't growl . " Thanks for sharing it with me , " she said . There was a moment of awkward silence . " I do need to know , though - do you come here because the food is good , or because you 're vegan ? " He shrugged . " Any reason it can 't be both ? " he asked . " The food 's great , and no animals died to get it to us . Win - win . " He sipped at his coffee . " Thanks for having an open mind about this , by the way , " he said . " I think you 'll find that vegan food is better than anything else you 've eaten , and you 'll have a clean conscience in the end to boot . " He paid for dinner , although she tried to go in for half . He walked with her to the subway station and took her hand as they waited for his train . He 'd had a really good time , and he 'd definitely call her again . Soon . He promised . Iris tried not to let the mask slip and just said , " That would be nice . " " Gimme a super - double burger with bacon . " She took a twenty out of her wallet . " Throw a couple of extra patties on there and this is yours . " The young man didn 't even hesitate to take the money . The cows that had been slaughtered to make this burger had lived short and uneventful lives . Memories of packed bodies and chemical - laden feed flooded over her tongue and almost made her moan . The darkness of the slaughterhouse , the smell of blood and that last moment of realization before oblivion all washed over her , and within moments , she was licking her fingers . She went back up and ordered a chicken filet sandwich . This one was better than the first . The birds had been raised in a battery farm , kept in cages only slightly bigger than they were . They knew only suffering until the last moment of their lives , and that suffering , that knowledge of horror was what filled Iris ' stomach . The energy of fear and hopelessness and pain rushed through her . The world became vivid , alive . No block of tofu had ever watched a farmer come at it with an axe . No carrot had ever smelled the blood of its brothers on the killing floor and been unable to run . No bean sprout had ever struggled for life , caged in with hundreds of competitors who wanted it dead . Iris needed that suffering , that pain . She didn 't know why , but she knew what she liked . And she was pretty sure Lloyd wouldn 't understand . I feel like it 's just planted itself in my brain and taken over . Don 't get me wrong - it 's a lot of fun , and definitely a lot of game for your money . There 's a ton of stuff to do and see , and no two games will be alike . I 've made two characters so far - a high - elf battle - mage and a Khajiit sneak - thief / assassin / werewolf - and I 've had a lot of fun playing . Sitting in the shadows and picking people off with a blazing arrows will NEVER get old , especially when they step over the bodies of their friends and say , " Huh . I guess it was my imagination . " But it will take you over . I was so happy today when a story idea unfolded in my head that was good enough that I actually wanted to write it more than I wanted to go back to Skyrim and kill dragons . So it looks like I may be close to burning myself out on that game . I 'm not sure exactly what it is the game is tapping into , other than the dopamine reward system of the brain . That is , of course , an intensely powerful neurochemical system - the same one responsible for many serious addictions as well as everyday feelings of accomplishment and self - worth . Where Skyrim wins out over , say , writing a short story is that Skyrim never ends . So you 're always expecting that next level - up , or a new dungeon to crawl through , or to see how many Forsworn you can hit in the head with arrows before one of those damned Briarhearts realizes you 're there . That anticipation is powerful , and it 's hard to ignore . Ennelrion had been circling this little adventurer for a while now . The poor thing - tracking through the mountains , dragging gods know what in that sack behind it and looking for … what was it these two - legged monkey things wanted . Adventure ? Gold ? The brief ecstasy of notoriety ? It 's like they don 't even know , the dragon thought to itself . Two huge black wolves leaped from behind a boulder to ravage the adventurer , and Ennelrion was sure that he would end up a bloody stain on the snow . But much to its surprise , the bundled - up creature extended a hand and a great bolt of lightning blossomed forth , striking one of the wolves dead instantly . The other got in a good bite , and then it too was killed . The wind whipped at the mountainside , but Ennelrion was fairly sure it could smell burnt wolf hair even up as high as it was . So . The two - legged mayfly knew a trick . Probably more than one , given how these things worked . The dragon twitched the tips of its wings and started the long circle down to the snow . At least it would be an entertaining way to pass a few minutes . Sooner or later , someone would have to give him a fight , and it wasn 't impossible that this little guy could do it . As it dove , it screamed , a harsh , wordless howl that pushed the snow out in front of it along an expanding shockwave . The adventurer looked up , and suddenly had a sword in its hand , one that dripped a fine mist from its edge . Ennelrion lifted its wings and dropped to the snow right in front of the two - legs . It thought about introducing itself , but really - why bother ? It would no sooner introduce itself to any other brief and crunchy snack it was about to devour . Instead , Ennelrion coughed forth a great gout of flame at the adventurer , who held up its arms as if the heavy armor it was wearing would do more than just cook it from the inside . The wave of fire rolled over the figure and then continued down the hillside , flashing snow into steam instantly and charring the winter grass beneath it . Odds are , there would be nothing left . When the flame died down , the figure was still standing . Now the hand that had called forth lightning was glowing a pale white - blue , like the sword . The figure - Ennelrion was pretty sure it was male , unless females had started growing fur on their faces for some reason - looked up at the dragon , lifted a hand and shouted . Ennelrion raked at the hero with its claws and then launched itself up into the sky . A bolt of incredible cold flew by the dragon 's head , missing thanks only to quick reflexes . This is insane , the dragon thought . There 's plenty of other humans to eat , to terrify - I should just leave this one alone . It looked down , and the human was digging through the pack it had been carrying on its back . Somehow , it managed to pull a staff that was nearly as tall as it was out of a backpack . The hell ? the dragon thought . Another blast of searing cold flew by it , worse than the first . Ennelrion started making for the great double peak where it rested , but then thought again . Was it really going to let an insect like that drive it away ? A creature that needed to arm itself with magic and metal , cover itself in fur and leather because it was too weak to survive on its own ? Was Ennelrion the great , the immortal , the terrifying , going to fly away from one little " hero " with some tricks ? The dragon circled around again , blasting fire as it did . Snow was blasted away , and the hero staggered , but held firm . The dragon thumped to the ground right in front of him and snapped at him with his teeth , somehow managing not to bite him in half completely . The little ape - thing turned its back on Ennelrion and started digging through the sack again , pulling tiny red bottles out one at a time . Once he had about ten of them , he uncorked one and chugged it down . " Whoo ! " he said to the dragon . " You got me close there ! " He tossed the bottle over his shoulder and popped open the second . " How 're you holding up ? " he said . The dragon could feel the fire churning in its belly , and wanted nothing more than to reduce this creature to a stain on the hillside . But it … it couldn 't . Ennelrion opened its mouth and said , " I 've been better . " The human nodded . " Yeah , I can tell . " He was on bottle number four now , and the burns and cuts were fading from his skin . " Let me say , I 'm glad to see you . " " I can imagine , " the human said . It had two more bottles to go . " But they aren 't tricked out the way I am . And they don 't need you as much as I do . " Of all the odd things that were going on at this very moment , that one got Ennelrion 's attention . " Need me ? " it asked . " Need me for what ? " The human finished off another bottle and dropped it to the snow . " Your soul , " he said . " I got that , and I 'll be able to charge myself right up . " He uncorked the last little red bottle and winked . " And if I kill you instead ? " the dragon said . It wasn 't going to eat this one . Oh no . Ennelrion envisioned strewn body parts all over the hillside . The human shrugged . " I 'll try again . " He lifted the bottle and drained it . When he threw this one away , all traces of injury were gone . It was like Ennelrion hadn 't done anything at all . " Sooner or later , I 'll get you . " The human was clearly insane . The flames inside Ennelrion 's belly were aching to escape , but it couldn 't bring itself to do it . The adventurer ran a crystal along the edge of his blade , and the sword was a deeper , colder blue . He pulled a small medallion from his pocket and put that on , then a new steel helmet to replace the iron one he had been wearing . The human shook out his limbs , hefted the sword a couple of times , and looked up at the dragon . " We ready ? " he said . Flames were already beginning to curl out from Ennelrion 's mouth . It cracked its jaws to respond , but a searing bar of flame erupted first . It enveloped the adventurer in a great cloud of fire and steam . The rocks below his feet were already glowing red and softening , and trees nearby burst into flame . When the dragon closed its mouth again , the adventurer was still there . He held up a hand and that long staff , and Ennelrion felt a shock of cold run through its body , from nose to tail . The cold kept coming and kept coming , and no matter how the dragon tried to get up and fly away , it couldn 't . The ice was on its wings , cracking through its scales , eating its way through to the warm , infernal core of its being . The dragon wanted to sneer , but that would be wasting time . " There are more of us . Stronger . More terrible . More ruthless . " It tried to move , but its skin was sloughing off in great burning sheets . " We will hunt you to the end of your days . " " Go ahead , " the genie said to Jack . " Put on the ring and complete the circuit . And when you do , you and April will know everything about each other . " The genie took a long drag off his cigarette , and smiled when he exhaled smoke that was pink and shimmered slightly in the light from the kitchen lamp . Jack turned the ring over in his hand . It was small , made of silver , with a pale blue gem set into it . His wife had the other one , identical except that her gem was pale pink . She had already put it on , and was staring at him while he hemmed and hawed . He could feel her urging him on . The genie just watched . Instead , he found this strange man standing in the living room , next to his wife . The man was dressed in an immaculate white suit , with a few gold rings and a bracelet that gleamed against his olive skin . He had longish hair , so black that it was almost blue , and just the right amount of stubble on his face to bring him over from " too lazy to shave " to " incredibly sexy . " At first , he thought his wife was admitting to an affair . If that had been true , it would have been a relief . Though Jack had never had any real reason to suspect she would sleep with someone else , he couldn 't think of a good reason why she wouldn 't . If the opportunity arose . He didn 't understand her , and that was the real problem , wasn 't it ? They 'd been to couples counseling , but hadn 't had much luck with it . Neither of them was the type to pour out their innermost wants and needs to anyone , so they got along with each other and set up a life together that worked reasonably well . Or at least , well enough . No such luck . " Honey ! " she yelled when he came in . She ran up to him and hugged him for a lot longer than usual . His hug was safe . Non - committal . Three pats and a squeeze . He never took his eyes off the man . When April pulled away , her face was practically glowing . " You won 't believe what happened , " she said . " I was out shopping and I went over to the thrift store . " Jack bit his tongue . Their house was already cluttered from her thrift store adventures . " And there was this oil lamp , " she went on . " So I thought it might look nice on the mantle . " She laughed and slapped his arm . " Of course there is - I was going to move the ducks to the bedroom . Anyway . " She walked over to the strange man and grasped his arm . " I was polishing it , and this man - no , not a man . This genie just appeared out of nowhere ! " " A genie , huh ? " Jack said . He sighed and took off his jacket . " Honey , I 'm really too tired for this . If this is your new boyfriend or something , I wish you would just - " April 's gasp was enough to stop him cold . " Boyfriend ? " she whispered . She stood there , hand to her heart , just blinking at him for a moment . " Jack , what on Earth would make you think I want a boyfriend ? " There was no good answer to that question . Of that much , Jack was sure . " Sorry , " he said . " It was a joke , honey . " He leaned over to kiss her , but she pulled back . The man - the genie - stepped between them . " I understand your confusion , Mister Logan , " he said . He extended a hand and gave a bright smile . Jack noticed that the man 's eyes were a strange blue - green . " I am Nawfal , " the genie said . He took Jack 's hand and give it a single squeeze . A wave of warmth rushed through Jack 's body , and he gasped and shuddered . He nearly fell to the floor , but Nawfal caught him . When Jack stood again , he knew something had changed . He wasn 't sure what , but something … April was staring at him with wide eyes . Jack looked from one to the other . " What ? " he said , running a hand through his hair . Not only did he now have a full head of thick , auburn hair - hair he hadn 't had since high school , for god 's sake - but he had the body that he always imagined he should have . His waist was narrow , his shoulders broad , and his back was straight and strong . No twinge at the base of his spine , no dull ache in his hip that was a signal of things to come . The man in the mirror wasn 't young again , but he was the man he would have been if he 'd taken care of himself . Nawfal came up behind him and laid a hand on his shoulder . " Not bad , eh ? " he said . " That one 's for free . Just to cut short the ' You cannot possibly be a genie ' conversation . " He lit another cigarette , and the smoke smelled of freshly - baking cookies . " I hate that conversation . " He guided Jack out of the bathroom with some effort . " Your wife has a wish , " the genie said . " And it involves you . " He parked Jack in front of April , who kept looking him over . He was tempted to tell her that his face was up here , but it seemed in poor taste . She started . " Oh , " she said . " Right . Well . " She laid a hand on Jack 's chest and nearly lost her train of thought again . " I … I thought a lot about what to wish for , " she said . " I know we still have a lot of money on the house to pay off and there 's the credit cards , but … " Jack 's stomach dropped . Those would have been really good wishes . The house was never going to get paid off , and the credit cards would probably go right before they died of extreme old age . Wishing for permanent financial security was probably a really good idea . " But what I wanted was … " She took a deep breath , and Jack waited for the shoe to drop . " What I wanted was for us to understand each other , honey , " she said . " I know sometimes we have trouble communicating . I don 't know what you want , you don 't know what I want . " She gestured towards the genie . " But he said he could help . He could change that . " " And I can , " the genie said . " But you have to choose to do it . " He held out a hand , and then opened it . There were two silver rings on his palm . One with a pink stone , one with blue . Nawfal told them that the rings would link them together permanently , and that they would perfectly understand each other from now on . Which was weird , because he wanted to . He really did . He and April had been together for a long while , and he 'd thought that they would know each other inside and out by now . That 's what everyone else seemed to do , anyway . Finish each other 's sentences , know where everything was , remember all their commitments and problems and hang - ups . And every time he had to drop hints about a Christmas present , or forgot what kind of flowers her mother liked , or what book she was reading , he felt like a failure . This would almost certainly fix all that . She would be happy , he wouldn 't have to scramble to avoid making an ass of himself . Everyone wins . He shook his head and held the ring out for the genie to take . " I don 't think it 'll end well , " he said . " I mean , there are parts of me … " He stepped forward and took her hands . " There are parts of me that I 'm not proud of , " he said . " Parts that I wish I didn 't have . And while I love you and I think you 're a wonderful woman , I 'm pretty sure you have things like that too . " " What , " she said . " You think I 'm keeping secrets from you ? " Her anger , usually very slow to come out , was showing all over her face . " No , no , " he said . " Nothing like that . Just … things . " He tried to get close to the idea without giving it away . " Thoughts , maybe . Thoughts you wish you didn 't have . Things you want that you know you shouldn 't . Things you did that you wish you hadn 't . " He reached out to hug her , and at first she was stiff and still . " I want you to think the best of me , " he said . " And I don 't think you would anymore . " It took a moment , but April relaxed into his embrace , putting her arms around him as well . " I understand , " she said . Her voice sounded thick , but she laughed . " Guess it 's back to couples counseling ? " The genie shrugged . " Suit yourselves , " he said . He squeezed his hand into a fist , and when he opened it the rings were gone . " You still have a wish , though . " The man in front of her didn 't have as much hair as he did in his picture . His jawline was a little softer , he looked puffier , and the benefits of taking a profile photo from above were clear . He was thicker around the middle than she 'd thought he was . All told , they were tiny changes that added up to a big difference . He looked like his picture , only not quite so much . Oh well , she thought . Beggars , choosers , all that . She had already put her wedding band into her pocket , so she was halfway committed already . She hoped that she hadn 't let her disappointment show , so she smiled broadly . " Hey there , " she said . " You must be Matt . " He grinned back , and pulled a small bouquet of flowers from behind his back . " And you 're Beth , of course . " He handed the flowers over . They were a little scraggly , but nice in their own way . " Gosh , your picture didn 't half do you justice . " " You , sir , are a flatterer . " Beth felt the blush rise . " And that means you get to come in . " She stepped aside and let him into the apartment . It wasn 't a terribly big place , and she wished she 'd done a better job of cleaning up . There were still dishes in the sink from breakfast , and she noticed too late that there was a pair of her fuzzy socks hanging over the back of the sofa . She put her arm around his waist and maneuvered him into the dining room . " You make yourself comfortable , " she said . " I 'll make us some coffee . " She winked , and his grin grew broader . " I do , " he said . " And I have to say , you have a nice collection in the living room out there . " Beth winced , but the damage was done . At this point , fuzzy socks probably weren 't going to be a deal - breaker . " Glad you approve , " she said . " I love to read whenever I have free time . " She turned on the coffeemaker and stood in the doorway to the dining room . It was a good place to stand - arms up , hip cocked just so … she could practically see his mouth go dry . Beth had no illusions about her body - she 'd never make it as a model or a cover girl , but she knew how to use what she had . And what she had seemed to be what Matt wanted , because it took him a few moments to speak . " Um . Yeah , " he said . She counted to four before his eyes jumped up to meet hers , and he blushed a little . " Wow , " he said . " You really are something . " " Why thank you , " she said with a smile . " You know just what to say , don 't you ? " She could smell the coffee already . " Managing a bookstore must keep you busy , " she said . " Cataloging and shelving and all that . " " Well , " he said , " that 's why I have employees . They do the heavy lifting , and I make sure we all get paid at the end of the week . " He glanced over at her bookshelves again . " You know , we have the new Paula Grant in . Maybe I can - " He stopped when he turned around , because Beth had taken the opportunity to get in closer to him . Much closer . He was wearing a light cologne she hadn 't noticed before , and it did smell nice . Kind of a leather and citrus blend that reminded her of … school , for some reason . Matt found his face nearly buried in her chest , and had to back up a little to look her in the eye again . " Um , " he started . " Because if you did , then I may have to … correct you . " She ran a nail down the side of his face , from temple to jaw , and he shuddered almost imperceptibly . Beth wanted to glance down , but she was pretty sure she knew what was happening down there . " Me neither , " Beth said . She stepped back , and he started to stand . " Just one thing , Matt , " she said . He looked worried all of a sudden , and she tried to smile sweetly . " I did tell you that I 'm married , right ? " Matt seemed to take those words into his mind and chew them around for a moment . The look of hunger on his face changed , almost perfectly reflecting the horrible argument that was going on between his sense of right and his need to get laid . Finally , he said , " Yeah . Yeah , you might have . " " Good , " she said . " I 'd hate for you to be surprised . My husband would be … " She grabbed his belt and pulled him close . " Awfully angry if he knew . " Their lips were just a breath apart . " You 're right . I would . " They both looked over towards the living room . The man standing there was tall and heavy , and his dark face was set in a scowl . He wore what looked like medical scrubs under a winter topcoat , and it looked like there was a spot of blood on the front . Matt backed away from Beth so fast that he fell over , repeating curses over and over again . Beth was able to call out , " Tim ! " before he was on top of the other man . Tim yanked a stun gun out of his pocket and jammed it into Matt 's side . The other man yelled and jerked on the floor . Tim hit him again and again , until the man lay passed out on the floor , the whites of his eyes showing under half - closed lids . Tim looked up at his wife , and then stood , pocketing the stun gun . " Bethany , " he said . His fingers were flexing into and out of a fist , and the scowl seemed to deepen as they stared at each other . They stood there , staring at one another for a long time . Bethany was the first to break , with a long sigh that was halfway to being a laugh . " I didn 't think you were going to wait that long , " she said . " I didn 't think you were going to play the part that well , " he muttered . He looked down at the unconscious man . " Whatever . We 've got someone I can use , finally . " Beth went into the kitchen , which smelled of coffee , and took a capped hypodermic needle from the refrigerator . She handed it to Tim , who used it on Matt . " That ought to keep him out until I can get him to the lab . " Tim shrugged and handed the needle back to her . " Would you rather I called it the rental box ? Besides , I do experiments there . " He looked at Matt again . " Therefore it 's a lab . " She pulled him close and kissed Tim hard on the lips . He wrapped his arms around her and relaxed for the first time since they 'd put this plan together . " It 'll work , " she said when they pulled apart . " This time it 'll work . " She looked over at Matt and shook her head . " Pity , " she said . " He seemed like a nice guy . " BRUTAL . / / Son , Death is Just a Natural Part of the Legislative Process - McSweeney 's Internet Tendency mcsweeneys . net / articles / son - d … 16 hours ago
|
1 Reply ( My first name is not ERIN . For this part of the story I will have to tell you my real first name . Likely this will be the one and only post in which I will mention my first name . If it were not such a significant part of something that happened I would not consider it but , unfortunately , this part of the story does not work without it . ) Dad was transferred to a rehab hospital upon his discharge from the stroke ward . We were told he would need seven to ten days of rehab which would include physical therapy , occupational therapy and , hopefully , enough time for us to come up with a plan for round the clock care . Immediately it was clear , between me and my two sisters , we had very different ideas of what was right for Dad . This would take almost the entire stay to come to an agreement that satisfied everyone enough to be comfortable … at least for now . After the transport left the hospital with Dad I loaded everything into the car and made my way to the facility . With any luck the staff would be sensitive to dementia patients having difficulty accepting assistance . Dad was still having trouble staying in reality . His short term memory would last minutes at best . His long term wasn 't much better . Even worse , dad was still combative ; he would insist he was going home , demand it , start to try to get up so he could walk out and we would have to restrain him until someone , usually me or one of my sisters , could talk some sense into him . None of this changed when he entered the rehab facility . I entered the automatic doors and went to the front desk and asked if my dad had arrived yet . A sweet faced woman in scrubs who sat at the nurses station said he had just been brought in and directed me to his room . I peeked in to see how he was handling everything . Although he was clearly not happy to be in another hospital it appeared that the nurses helping him were assisting him with a trip to the toilet . If there was paper work to sign , now would be a good time . I went back to the front desk and again spoke to the woman in scrubs who turned out to be a nurse named Patty . She walked me through all of the paper work . After about the fifth page I wished I had been able to attend Dad 's doctor 's appointments . The few things I did know for sure were relayed to me by word of mouth as they had been relevant . Now I was being asked for details I , quite frankly , didn 't know . I winged it and asked Patty to hold out any pages I wasn 't sure about . Then came a page that really made me uncomfortable . It was a waiver clearing the facility of liability if Dad should have an accident . No way was I going to sign that . I asked her to hold that out for my sisters ' opinions , sure that they , too , would be unwilling to sign away our rights to sue if the facility was negligent . I made my way back to Dad 's room to check if the staff had been successful getting him to the toilet on time . They were not . Dad was on the bed and he was reaching into his sweat pants trying to pull out the adult diaper they had put on him . It was clear this solution felt strange and uncomfortable for him . A nurse was loudly trying to convince him to keep it on . It was time for me to intervene . I shot her a quick look to let her know she wasn 't helping and corrected . " DOCTOR Houlihan , ma ' am " , and leaned in and whispered , " Kindly refrain from referring to it as a ' diaper ' . This is hard enough on his dignity without humiliating him with his physical problems . " She was annoyed but did not contradict me . The good news was that we did get him to leave the Depends on . It was a minor victory which I immediately relayed to my sisters . We would use the opportunity presented here to get dad accustomed to disposable briefs . That night I went to the store and got a large bag of pull up disposable briefs . Something good had finally come out of Dad 's stroke . It might be the only thing . Over the next few days we would all encounter this insensitive attitude from the staff . It was as if they either had no experience with Alzheimer 's patients or simply no longer cared about the feelings of the patients . Perhaps , they felt that they didn 't need to be that compassionate since all of their patients were temporary . My sisters and I found it alarming and rather shameful . Mike came and joined me later that evening . Several times , Dad became agitated . He demanded his shoes insisting , " I 'm going home right now ! " I was so glad to have Mike there . He has a wonderful way with Dad . " Yes " , Mike explained , " You have been in the hospital for several days . You couldn 't talk or stand for the first three . Your memory is not so good either . " " Well , here is something interesting … you haven 't known me for very long but you always remember my name . You have known her " ( pointing to me ) " her whole life but for some reason can 't remember her name . My point is that the memories are in there . We just have to figure out how to bring them out " . ( For some reason he would take Mike at his word but when I tried to explain this to him he sometimes responded in a tone of superiority , " Oh I did NOT ! " or " I 'm fine . Let 's go ! " Mike speculated that it was a " guy thing " . Somehow it was less emasculating to accept any physical issue from another man than it was from a tiny woman . ) Dad 's demands to leave , attempts to walk out on his own and his combative and stubborn attitude made him very difficult to work with and extremely unpopular with the staff . His insistence that he could walk on his own was a big problem , particularly given the slow response of the nurses when his bed alarm would sound indicating he was trying to get out of bed . Our family had no choice but to tag team sitting with him round the clock and because we all had jobs we had no choice but to hire senior sitters for the hours none of our family could be there . It was an exhausting schedule . The staff finally became so exasperated the doctor on staff prescribed Dad an anti - psychotic to level him out enough that he could sleep through the night . Although it did give the nurses a much needed break it also affected his emotions . I arrived for my early morning Dad sitting shift on Sunday at 6 : 00 AM . When I first arrived he was sleeping . It would be a while yet before he would fully wake up , but seamless sitting was mandatory given his unpredictable behavior . He stirred a few times before 8 : 30 . I would peek to see if he was actually awake or just dosing . A few times I asked , " You okay , Daddy ? " or " You need to use the restroom ? ' Selfishly , I was deeply troubled how many times he answered " I don 't know " to questions about the number and names of his children . He had not said my name from his own natural memory in over a year . It was heartbreaking to have put so much time into his care every week , to be committed to his health , hygiene and well being but to not be a prominent memory . I had been reduced to someone who was familiar but not exactly known . Out of desperation I began several memory exercises , hoping the stroke had not wiped his memory of me completely . I walked him through his five children ( he was not sure how many he had ) , trying to help him recall the names and order of birth . I had said the names in order a few times from the time he woke up to try to jog his memory , " Hillary , Paula , Jenny … " . Then I started walking him through starting with " Who is your oldest ? " " Then who is next ? " And when he got stuck " is the next one a boy or a girl ? " He actually had trouble with Tom and Jenny . I wondered if part of that was a kind block that his mind performed because they were the ones who had passed on . Dad stalled out after Tom . I was stunned . " That 's right Dad " , I encouraged , my heart pounding with hope , " Your youngest is named after a bird . It 's a spring bird . Do you remember what bird ? " I hugged him and told him how happy that made me . He started to cry . " I can 't … I can 't … . how can I forget my own child ? " he sobbed . " But , Dad , you remembered ! Do you know how happy you have made me . I knew it was in there somewhere . It 's all still in there , we just have to keep working at it , " I said , breaking into tears , myself . " Daddy , I love you . I 'm not going anywhere . We 're going to get through this , I promise ! " I did my best to reassure him . I hugged him for a while and we both had a good cry together . Never before would I have guessed that my stoic father , who was not given to displays of emotion , would weep in my arms as I comforted him the way he did that morning . Leave a reply Following that night I spent with Dad after my first unsuccessful shower weekend another week went by . That Friday I came to dad 's house and he , again , was very weak … too weak to shower . Again , I spent the night . Mike stayed with me . Early that morning Mike went home to feed our dogs . I stayed and made breakfast for myself , Allison and Dad . I made eggs , cinnamon toast and sliced strawberries . Dad enjoyed the homemade breakfast while I observed . He was having trouble locating his mouth with his fork . It crossed my mind that he was still just tired but I messaged Paula letting her know what I was seeing . We agreed to keep a close eye on him for the next couple days . After breakfast , Allison and I hugged Dad and promised to come back that night . We returned , as usual , at six o ' clock , Saturday . Dad was standing when Mike and I entered and it was apparent that he had lost control of his bladder . We would have to insist on a shower no matter how difficult it would be . Dad fought us as best he could , arguing , promising to shower later , getting angry and demanding that we leave . We finally caught him off guard and got him to sit down in the rolling walker . Tipping it backward we rolled him into the bedroom . He continued to protest , even going so far as grabbing the door frame . It was at that point I decided , " This is getting unsafe . After tonight I will need to say something to Paula . We have to get help with hygiene . " Dad finally gave in and showered . It took a while but he definitely felt better when he was clean . We followed up with dinner and a movie as usual . It would be the last " normal " evening for a while … possibly ever . I had a gut feeling that we were about to be hit with another big wave of change . The next day would prove me right . Our family always celebrates birthdays on Sunday . Since my niece , Tom 's daughter , turned sixteen in October , it was time for a party . Text messages flew back and forth through out the day . " What does Casey need / want ? " " Is Ann making the cake ? " " I can 't make it to the store , can you pick up _____ ? " Dad was in the room immediately after the automatic doors . They had really just arrived . We helped keep him calm as his IV was administered . He was also given an automatic blood pressure cuff . During that first hour he said a total of three words . When Dad 's blood pressure cuff squeezed his arm uncomfortably he belted out a breathy " JESUS CHRIST ! " A little while later when a tech came to take him for a CT scan I told him I would go with him and he managed an " Okay " . That was pretty much all I heard from him that first night . I stood in the doorway as he was positioned for his CT scan by two talkative techs . He was very agitated and kept moving and making noises trying to voice his confusion . I continuously called out , " It 's okay , Dad . Stay still . They aren 't going to hurt you . " Then they closed the doors and I listened . I could hear the techs chatting and laughing as they did their job . Could they not see how confused and frightened Dad must be ? I sat in the hallway , helpless as I waited for them to finish their scan . A woman in a wheelchair was in the hall with me . She was next for a scan . The waiting was awkward . Should I talk to her ? Ask her how she was ? Mind my own damn business ? She broke the silence . The doors opened and the techs wheeled Dad out and back to his room . He held my hand tightly as we made our way back . He was frightened and disoriented . That first night was a series of tests , scans , blood draws , poking , prodding and , above all , no clear answers . Over the next several days it appeared Dad had a break with reality . The few intelligible words that he spoke indicated that he thought he lived with his parents in Ohio . Other interesting things he said were that he had three sons , five daughters , five cats and five dogs . Dad usually knew Paula and Hillary and for some reason also knew Mike by name . He was still comfortable with me but not sure who I was . After an ultrasound it was determined that he had had a TIA ( Transient Ischemic Attack ) or mini - stroke . Whatever had brought it on , it appeared to have accelerated his dementia . The second night he was there he ripped out his IV three times and continuously pulled off his leads . Because of the swelling in his legs , relocating the IV to a nonstandard entry was not an option . Hillary texted me and Paula , so frustrated and out of ideas to control him . We had no helpful suggestions . From time to time Dad would become aggressive with the staff , demanding to leave , lashing out verbally and physically at the nurses trying to help him with toileting , changing , sitting or standing . We did our best to calm him but even we , his family , were not entirely safe . Each of us had to deal with his combative temperament . Once he managed to hit Paula in the face . He wrestled with me and Hillary . I remember after three days marveling as two tiny nurses came in to help with toileting and thinking , " Really ? You couldn 't find ANYONE bigger than me ? " ( Recall , I 'm 4 ' 11 " . Yes , they were that small ! ) The few times that he would remain calm we would try to explain to him that he had had a stroke . This explanation never stuck for more than a few minutes and eventually he would demand to know what was going on and try to get up to leave . Ultimately , we had no choice but to allow the nurses to sedate him for the safety of everyone including Dad . Hillary covered many of the day shifts while Paula and I covered afternoons and evenings . The stroke ward was understaffed and it was important that we tag team it until either Dad remained cooperative or the staff was able to cope with his bouts of frustration . Doctors took me and my sisters aside individually and counseled each of us that it was no longer safe for Dad to live alone . Clearly arrangements would have to be made . By day five , the neurologist decided Dad should be released to a rehab facility for seven to ten days . I took the afternoon off to relieve Hillary and she went home , half delirious with exhaustion , to sleep it off . I stayed and awaited transfer orders . Around three o ' clock we were told a transport to the rehab facility had been arranged and Dad could get dressed . Bradley stopped by with shoes for Dad and helped me dress him for transport . Still unable to stand for more than a few seconds Dad wanted to leave immediately once he was dressed . Bradley and I helped him to sit in a recliner in his room for the remainder of the time as we awaited his ride . It was clear he still was not in reality . He was sure that on the other side of the bathroom was a living room and wanted to go lay down on the couch . Dad also was convinced his house was only two blocks away rather than across town , and that he could easily walk there on his own . Finally the nurse came in to tell us the transport was there and asked if he was ready . We would have preferred she had worded that differently . Of course he was ready . I knew the transport people were a few minutes late so I went out into the hall to see if they were on their way , There they were . Instead of a couple orderlies with a wheel chair , two huge guys were rolling an ambulance gurney down the hall . I went back into the room and quickly whispered to Bradley what was coming . " Sorry , sir . That 's just what the orders say " , one of the orderlies replied . A few seconds later they wheeled him out . Dad didn 't see us in the hall . I grabbed his things and Bradley helped me to my car . Leave a reply Room 3101 [ FALL RISK ] . Room 3102 [ FALL RISK ] . Room 3103 [ FALL RISK ] . We continued down the hall of the hospital floor where they had moved Dad . This wing was specifically for stroke patients . It was alarming the number of rooms marked [ FALL RISK ] . Those rooms not marked were also not occupied . It was inevitable we would end up here . I will have to back track a bit to explain how we ended up in the stroke ward on a Sunday night . Lately , I have been dealing with caregiver related depression . I know I am going through a low point when I start looking up the stages of Alzheimer 's to see how long each stage generally lasts and fishing to see if we are getting close to the end of our journey . Then I think about how long I have been journaling as self therapy . I have only been writing a little over a year but it feels so much longer . I know Dad is at least at stage five but possibly at stage six depending on who you talk to . A few days ago I looked up the length of the stages . Stage five : 1 . 5 years . Stage six : 2 . 5 years . Stage 7 : 1 to 2 . 5 years . My heart sunk . If he is only at stage five … this is a marathon I did not train to run . Likely we have a minimum of three more years of Dad getting progressively worse until we are eventually taking care of his shell . This time last year Dad seemed considerably more optimistic . He would walk the backyard slowly but unassisted , engage in lively ( if repetitive ) conversation , argue about hygiene but eventually cooperate with a little incentive from the bakery . Now he only goes outside to wave goodbye or sit on the porch . He stubbornly refuses his cane or rolling walker but can 't get around without using the walls and furniture to support himself . For some reason he rejects these aids as a sign of weakness , offended at the thought that he might not be able to care for himself . The original idea to start writing my thoughts on the progression of Dad 's disease started about four years ago but I put it off feeling that it was a bit self indulgent , even arrogant to tPatterns also change . Since Tom 's death we are back to three shifts a week , each . Concern over dad 's lack of exercise and unwillingness to leave his beloved recliner is at a new high . Dad doesn 't remember to elevate his legs when he is in the recliner and because he is there for prolonged periods of time he gets edema in his calves , ankles and feet . This causes his skin to become tight and itchy especially on his left leg . He will scratch himself to the point of bleeding and sometimes will say he has to go to the restroom in order to privately dig at his leg and not have to listen to anyone telling him to stop . I have begun trimming his nails before each shower to keep him from scratching down to the bone . The first time I did this I joked about his long pinkie nail asking if he was try to grow a " coke scooper " . My sisters enjoyed this little joke . Nail trimming is getting more and more important . He hates it but is always grateful once it is done . If he were allowed to keep his claws he would dig at his leg until he hit bone . In the past four months Dad had gotten weaker and weaker . Each attempt to get him to shower or take his meds was becoming increasingly more difficult . The past three weeks it appeared the writing was on the wall . Dad defies any attempt at hygiene like a five year old trying to get his way . He insists that he showers every day , insulted at the implication that he does not . I tend to try to prove him wrong . Appealing to his sense of reason is quickly becoming pointless . " You haven 't showered in a week ! " " I most certainly have ! I shower every day ! " ( This statement from Dad is never as fluid as it reads . It 's stuttered , chopped and sometimes incomplete , but the message is loud and clear . ) These exchanges are repeated almost verbatim every week . When Dad realizes he can 't talk his way out of it he turns his head , impatiently tapping the arm of his recliner , pondering his next argument . The past two attempts have ended with a grudging , " Okay , I 'll do it but when I 'm done you 're gone . " " That 's fine with me , " I agree just as stubbornly , " As long as you shower I will be happy to leave once you are out " . He is never happy to hear that his terms are acceptable . More and more I started finding him so weak on my nights that I would spend the night just to make sure his legs stayed elevated while he slept so he might have enough energy to move the next day . Mike , my constant supporter , will offer to take care of the Allison solo or even come over and spend the night as well . He keeps Dad company while I do laundry or dishes and helps me remind Dad to keep his feet up , even putting pillows under his calves for extra height . With Mike in the spare bedroom I take my place dosing on the couch . Occasionally , DAD wakes up in the middle of the night disoriented . I will hear him stir and then let out a startled " Uuuah ! " as he wakes . " I gotta let buddy out " , he says , struggling to get out of his recliner . I bring the rolling walker over to him for leverage but he rejects it at first . " I don 't need that … " then after a few straining attempts to stand he has no choice but to take the offered help . Depending on how tired he is he may or may not use the walker to make his way to the back door to let out the dog and then go use the bathroom . I follow closely behind , acutely aware that even with me there if he begins to fall the odds of me being able to save him are slim . On the nights that I chose to sleep there I informed Paula of my intentions . We both knew Dad 's days with the illusion of independence were running out . Two weeks ago I arrived for Friday shower night . Dad was more argumentative than usual and I was alarmed how weak he seemed . Nevertheless , I chose to continue to attempt hygiene since he had clearly not showered since the previous week . I put my cell phone in my pocket , ready to call for help if I should need it . Mike stayed with Allison in the kitchen preparing dinner and entertaining Buddy . Dad began the ritual of preparing removing his socks , commenting on his swollen feet , pulling his pant leg over his knee so he could dig at his shin and then complain about what a mess it is , removing his watches ( he wears one on each wrist . I remind him about them saying , " Ya wanna give me ' East Coast ' and ' West Coast ' ? " ) , removing his outer shirt , pants , and finally hemming and hawing before giving me his t - shirt . As always I let out a playful " Aaaargh ! " as he removed this last item because it still makes him laugh . I turned on the water and made sure it was appropriately warm before watching him make his way to the shower and allowing him to " do his thing in privacy " . I left the room and sat on the couch in the living area . Not thirty seconds had passed when I heard a noise like he had dropped his razor or a brush . Suspicious , I ran back into the bathroom and found him braced in the doorway of the toilet area , his legs shaking as he fought to remain standing . The shower door was open and the water still running . He had really tried to make it . I grabbed my phone and sent a one word text to Mike : " HELP " . Mike bolted into the room and positioned himself in front of Dad to keep him from falling forward while I remained behind him with trying to keep him from leaning too far to either side as we made our way back to the bed . His legs faultered beneath him a couple times . No way I could have helped him back to the bed by myself . Dad collapsed onto the bed and we positioned his feet up on the foam bed wedge . Next we helped him dress in clean scrubs . Shower would have to wait for another night . Dad laid still while I searched for something on his bedroom TV to entertain him . I sent a text to Paula explaining what had happened . Mike brought dinner into the bedroom and we all camped out watching a boring movie that none of us were interested in . " What are we doing in here " , Dad asked from time to time . Paula called after a while . " What happened ? " she asked . " We tried to get Dad to shower but he almost fell while he was in the bathroom " , I explained and then detailed for her the events leading up to our positioning on the bed . Paula , being the medical professional of my siblings , speculated what might have caused Dad 's sudden weakness . She felt it could be heart failure related to the DVT that was causing the swelling in his legs and that we should keep both his legs and chest elevated in the " recliner " position . This new development could put him at risk for an embolism . Keeping him in the correct position should be easy enough as long as someone stayed with him . We agreed I would need to spend the night . Paula was grateful I was staying . We positioned Dad on the recliner and , fortunately for me , Dad did not argue that he needed to use his walker during the night . He made two trips to the bathroom and to let Buddy out . If I had not been there to remind him he would have returned to the sitting position without reclining . I wondered how many nights I would have to spend like this . Morning came and Dad was resting peacefully , still reclined with his legs elevated . I decided it was time to go . Bradley would be here soon and it didn 't look like Dad was going anywhere . I softly told him , " Dad , I 'm gonna go . You keep your feet up , okay ? " He smiled and nodded . I gave him a kiss on the forehead and started to walk away . " Hey … come here . " he said weakly with a smile . " What ? " I asked and walked back . Dad held out his arms for a hug . I hugged him and told him I would be back later . I guess he was glad I stayed . A : Again … and again … and again … and again … until after the funeral . After that you never mention it again ever , ever , ever . The morning after the crash I was up early . I had not quite wrapped my mind around what had happened . Tom was gone … I hadn 't dreamed it . I sent a text to Paula asking what time she was going to Dad 's so we could be together to tell him . She had spent most of the evening before with Ann and Casey . Given Ann 's illness it would be best not to leave her alone for very long . She would need a lot of support to get through this terrible turn of events . Fortunately her brothers had arrived to relieve Paula and spend the night with her . Tom 's life and exuberance had given life to that house . It must feel so empty without him . Paula said if we didn 't hear from Hillary by 9 : 00 AM we should probably head over to Dad 's . I agreed . I dressed as if it were any other Sunday visit , Jeans and a t - shirt . I wondered how Dad would handle the news . Dad has always been so stoic . I had never actually seen him cry … not when Mom died or when Jenny died . How would he take Tom 's death and would the Alzheimer 's end up compounding his grief or actually relieving it ? My fear for him was that it could trigger a downward spiral . Time would tell . I got there and Paula was already there . We hugged each other and quietly discussed how we should approach Dad . Should we all be there or have one of us tell him privately and then the others could come in for support ? We agreed all of us should be with him when we broke the news . We went in and greeted Dad with hugs and kisses . He was happy to see us both . I put on a movie to distract him while we busied ourselves with cleaning . Dad would probably have visitors all week and perhaps even overnight guests from out of town , best to get the house in order . Soon we were joined by Bradley , his wife and daughter . An hour went by and Hillary had not yet left her house . Still overwhelmed , she was not up to coming over . It would fall on me and Paula to tell Dad . We both sat down on chairs in front of him . " Dad , something has happened that we need to tell you about . " Paula began , " Tom was flying his plane yesterday … . . " she paused , " There was an accident … . his plane crashed … and Tom died in the crash . " As she said this I reached over and held his arm gently . " No , Dad , it 's under investigation . Not sure if it was a mechanical failure or if something else went wrong . He was a good pilot … kind of doubting it was pilot error " , Paula explained , " They won 't release the body until tomorrow . " He looked completely desolate . It was his " block out the world " look that I had seen a handful of times in my life . Dad looked so much older in that moment . Paula and I both hugged him and got up . We went to the kitchen . " Why don 't I make him some lunch and see if he 'll eat ? " I asked her . " That sounds like a good idea . I 'm going to call and see if someone is still with Ann and Casey . We also need to go through photo albums for a memorial slideshow " , she added . I made dad a sandwich and a plate of sliced fruit and brought it to him . He didn 't see terribly interested . Then Mike and Allison arrived and Dad brightened up . " I 'm wonderful ! " Dad said smiling . He was not being sarcastic . His smile betrayed what had happened . Alzheimer 's had wiped away the past hour already . After chatting with Mike a bit and asking who Allison was , where she went to school , etc . , they joined the rest preparing the house . Dad called me over and asked , " Why is everyone here ? " thinking , I imagine , that it must be a party . It was news that would be broken to him over and over with the same questions , the same guilt , the same dejection . This was going to be a very long week . We would not be able to keep from talking about it around him until after the funeral . " Dad is fine but the Alzheimer 's is making it difficult for him to process . I think this last time stuck though … hold on . " I set the phone down ( it 's one of the few phones left in the world that isn 't cordless ) and went to get Dad from the other room . " It 's your brother Henry . He just heard about Tom 's plane crash . You 're probably going to get a lot of these condolence calls . Do you want to talk ? " " Hello ? … . . Who ? … . Oh , Henry , hi ! " Dad didn 't look at all sure who Henry was but he continued , " I 'm fine … . What ? Wait , say that again … . who was in a crash ? " and looking at me in shock and anger asked , " Do you have any idea what he 's talking about ? " holding the phone out to me . Suddenly I realized in horror that from the chair to the phone Dad had again forgotten what had happened and thought that he was hearing all of this for the first time from Uncle Henry . I took the phone and quickly said , " Uncle Henry , I 'm so sorry to do this but we need to get off the phone now . I 'll have Paula call you later . Thanks so much for calling ! " and hung up on my poor , bewildered uncle . You see , none of Dad 's brothers had seen him since Mom 's death ten years ago . They had no idea the day to day reality of Dad 's condition . Dad slumped in the chair by the phone and again demanded to know what had happened . Again , I explained as gently as possible about the crash . Again , " Why didn 't you tell me ? " and , again , my explanation of what his illness was not doing with the information . It was like the most agonizing loop ever . Eventually everyone came back and I related to Paula what had happened . By then Hillary had joined us . So much work to do . Paula received a call from one of Ann 's brothers . Ann and Casey were alone at their house . Paula was going to go over , but she had so many other things to do I offered to go instead and try to get Ann and Casey to join us for dinner . As I drove I wondered what I would find . Would Ann be calm or distraught ? Knowing Casey and how close she and Tom were I could not even imagine her pain at losing her dad to the pastime he loved most . As I pulled up to the house I noticed a news van pull up behind me . I hung back to see what would happen . A tall , well dressed young woman got out and began walking to Tom 's front door . " Wow ! That 's bold ! " I thought and quickly caught up to her . " I will make a deal with you " , I bargained . I will go in and speak to the widow . If she says no then you will respect her wishes and leave . Fair enough ? " I motioned her to step away from the porch and with my hand on the doorknob to control how much it opened I rang the bell . The faint sounds of movement drifted through the door . Casey answered . We strode into the living room . " Are you up for an invasion of privacy ? " I asked wryly . " There is a reporter outside requesting an interview . She said they would leave if you declined . " Whoa , that took a lot of nerve ! " Ann exclaimed , " No , I don 't think so . Geez , I can 't believe they thought they could just come right over unannounced ! " " His wife respectfully requests that you leave them alone " , I said politely … then closed the door . I watched through the curtain as the disappointed reporter made her way back to the van . It was a lucky coincidence that I arrived when I did . Ann and Casey didn 't need that . None of us did , but especially not them . 1 Reply Tom was gone … in an instant … now I have two living sisters and half my Dad . In just over ten years I have lost half my birth family : the two youngest of my four older siblings , my mother , and slowly , painfully , my father . It has been two months since that terrible accident that took our Tom so I will do my best to recall for my readers the weeks that followed , how our roles have changed , how our views of care giving have morphed , and how our sense of responsibility has become more acute . We continued our drive to the airport to pick up Kelly . No one said a word for several minutes . Mike held my left hand and Allison held my right . I broke the silence . " How will we ever tell Kelly ? She is expecting a happy home coming . This is not okay . " We arrived at the airport and waited for her at the international arrival gate . It seemed like forever . There was a food court right next to the gate so we found a table , sat and watched as one by one the passengers exited . Finally , we saw Kelly , tan and smiling , rolling out . She waved and made her way toward us . Kelly saw my eyes tearing up and exclaimed , " Aaw , Mom ! " and hugged me . Truthfully , I think they really were tears of happiness to see her safely home . " It just happened . You were already in the air when his plane crashed " , I explained , " We were on our way here when we found out " . It was a heavy thing to come home to . So unfair . We rolled off to the car and headed home . While Mike drove I began messaging Paula . Did Hillary know yet ? Paula said she was still trying to reach her . Hillary 's cell phone was going straight to voicemail . The message box on her home phone was full . No one had her boyfriend 's phone number . Paula racked her brain to remember his full name . Next I called Sara . We talked for over an hour . Sara asked if I needed her to come . She and her family lived in Colorado and had just moved into a new home a day earlier . I knew she was exhausted . On top of that , apparently I was not that upset . I had known for hours and no tears , no lashing out , nothing . " Nah , it 's okay . I know you have a lot going on . It 's sweet of you to offer but I 'll be okay " , I reassured her . " Oh , Erin , I 'm so sorry . Are you okay ? " she asked . I couldn 't believe she was thinking of other people 's pain at a time like this . It was her husband that was killed . What a rare and good person . " I don 't know what we 're going to do . Tom was my rock . He was Casey 's best friend . I can 't imagine life without him " , she lamented . There really was no comfort I could offer her other than a sympathetic ear and reassurance that we would all help her through this . After we hung up my phone rang again . It was Candace , my walking buddy and the mother of Allison 's best friend , Heather . Candace was crying uncontrollably . " Well , yeah , I 'm upset " , I responded ( God , I hope I 'm upset ! What the hell is wrong with me ? ) " I just don 't grieve like that . Actually , I 'm kind of surprised myself by how level I am right now . " " No , I have left a few messages . I hope we can reach her tonight . I don 't want her to find out on the news " , she said . " Oh , God , I hadn 't even thought about that ! " I replied , " Even broken , his plane is pretty easy to recognize . If they show the plane and she sees it , she will freak . " " Only if we find Hillary . I think the three of us should tell him together " , I said after some thought . " I really don 't see any point in telling him tonight . If he doesn 't retain it we will have to do it all over again tomorrow . Better to do it when he doesn 't have to be alone . " She agreed , so that was the plan . I only had one more thing I wanted to do before calling it a night . I kept asking Mike the time trying to determine whether his parents in Europe would be awake . Mike 's parents are wonderfully supportive . They have been like parents to me as well . I wanted to reach them as soon as possible to assure them that Kelly made it home safely and to tell them what had happened . We definitely didn 't want them hearing from a third party . After all , they had know Tom since he was twelve . Better to hear it from us . Starting at 11 : 00 PM I began trying to Skype them . I must have tried ten times . No answer . Mike kept asking me why it was so important to me to reach them that night . I wasn 't sure , I just knew I really wanted to talk to them . It didn 't matter anyway . They weren 't answering . It would have to wait until tomorrow . I went to bed . Sometime around 2 : 00 AM Paula finally was able to reach Hillary to break the news . Hillary was inconsolable . ( Seriously … what was wrong with me ? ? ? ) Leave a reply When a date was decided upon for the family caregiver meeting it was set for two weeks out , giving all of us time to prepare and , in some cases , argue . Tom and I had particular concerns given our work schedules and having spouses and children who depend on us . He and I , having similar interests , leaned on each other for support during those two weeks . Both taking three shifts a week each and knowing that Hillary had four to five shifts Tom and I both felt it was important to propose bringing in a professional caregiver to reduce the number of shifts specifically required of us and of Hillary . We knew presenting this idea could likely cause discord but , given the strain the schedule had imposed on our children and spouses , we knew change was imperative … so we braced ourselves and pressed forward . The day came . We had agreed to meet on a Sunday afternoon at Paula 's house . Mike and I arrived a few minutes early . No one was home . I think we were both nervous . We chatted as we waited . Then Tom arrived , alone . He also was concerned there would be a blow out , and refused to expose his wife , Ann , to unnecessary tension . He was resolved to lighten the load that day . Finally , Hillary and Paula arrived . They came in with drinks for everyone ( the brutal Texas summer seemed to have started early ) . Paula began by giving us a brief review of the medical appointments we had prior to the meeting . Several medical concerns including edema and diminished mobility were covered . Then Tom opened the subject of reducing shifts . ( I will not be using caregiver names other then mine and Tom 's during this segment . They will be CG1 , CG2 and CG3 so as not to disclose who is who . ) Tom pushed forward , " We all need our afternoons available for work and Erin and I would both like to cut one shift a week . I think we need to start looking for an in home caregiver . Erin and I have both called some places to price what a day nurse would run . It is looking like $ 17 to $ 20 per hour . " CG2 suggested , " Why don 't we ask Dad 's former scrub nurses if either of them would be willing to pick up some extra money ? I personally would feel better if the daytime caregiver was someone Dad already knew and trusted " . We all agreed after some discussion that would be a good idea . The backup plan would be to start interviewing caregivers within the month and to have someone in place by the end of the month . It was agreed that a professional caregiver would be hired for four afternoons a week in order to pare everyone down to a more tolerable and balanced two shifts a week for everyone except Bradley who would remain at one shift on Saturday afternoons . We briefly touched upon the sore subject of when it WOULD be time to consider a home . It was agreed that as long as Dad could still recognize where he was , it would be best to keep him in his own house . Beyond that we would have to play it by ear . Regarding Dad 's mobility , having had a stroke two years ago , the doctors found that one of his legs was " a peg " , basically just used for balance and scooting along . We discussed his diminishing mobility and his tendency to dig and tear at his legs . It was agreed by all that Dad needed physical therapy to prolong his mobility and , with that , his illusion of independence . We also discussed installing a rail on the back porch and a " daddy cam " so we could log in and check on him during the day . As the meeting drew to a close Paula stated outright that she knew the sacrifices that everyone was making and how unfair it was to our families . In no uncertain terms she made it clear her belief that Dad was no longer capable of getting better . Our job as his family is to provide him with humane and loving care as his disease progresses . She then thanked me saying , " Erin , this meeting was a very good idea . We really needed it " . I set up the first interview for after work the following Monday . Because I had to rush home to drive Kelly to the airport for her summer trip to France I could not stay for the entire interview . Tom and I agreed to tag team the interview , with me conducting the first half , overlapping for about fifteen minutes and Tom finishing . As I entered the office I received a call from Tom assuring me he was on his way . The director was a lovely woman named Lana . She greeted me right away and we sat and got to know each other . It 's fair to say I was impressed with Lana right away and felt comfortable that she would be a fairly good judge of the type of caregiver that would be a good fit for Dad . Within a few minutes the candidate arrived . Her name was Opal . Tom arrived and quickly introduced himself . I gave him a quick hug and we got down to business . We reviewed some of Opal 's experience again . We spent a few minutes covering the required responsibilities : meals , meds , pet feeding , eye drops , engaging conversation . We made sure she was aware that Dad had a tendency to say inappropriate , sometimes even offensive things occasionally but that he truly did not intend to be hurtful . He is really a very sweet person . We also encouraged Opal to show Dad photo albums and ask questions about his life . " Whatever he tells you he has done , no matter how outrageous , he probably did it . He is a very interesting person " , I told her in parting . I said goodbye and left to take Kelly to the airport . " She was very chatty , that might be really great for Dad . She kinda reminded me of Peggy , Dad 's scrub nurse . I think it would be a mistake not to give her a chance " , he said . A week passed with Opal being trained by each of us . The following Monday she would start taking shifts on her own . She seemed to slip into the role quite well . Thank goodness we had her in place because no one could prepare us for the events of the next week . I walked in for my Friday visit and proceeded with shower night as usual . After Dad was safely in the shower , I took all the dirty clothes to the laundry room and … * sploosh * … stepped in a growing puddle . Water was dripping from the ceiling . " Not again ! " I thought . We were all really getting tired of household repairs . I immediately alerted Paula who told me to use the long wrench and turn off the water at the street to determine if it was a leaking pipe or the air conditioner . After Dad finished his shower I grabbed the wrench , went out and shut off the water to the house , went back in , turned on the faucets until the water stopped and waited to see if the ceiling water stopped dripping . It didn 't . It was the air conditioner . We called the service that we normally use but were told they would not be able to make it out until Tuesday . It was recommended since there were two air conditioners to turn off the one that was dripping and close off that part of the house until someone could come out and service it . Unfortunately , Tuesday was not going to work for Hillary and neither would Wednesday because she had to take Dad to physical therapy . To accommodate us the repair service agreed to come to the house at 5 : 30 , technically after hours but still workable for them and for us . Since it was Tom 's night for a visit I told him I would get there by 5 : 30 since he wouldn 't be off until after 6 : 00 and he could take over when he got there . The service man arrived as scheduled and began working . Tom then arrived shortly after 6 : 00 to take over . I briefed him on what we knew so far and picked up my things to leave . Opal did well for the remainder of the week and I enjoyed my first Thursday off in over a year . That Saturday we would have to juggle Dad night with picking up Kelly from the airport . We opted to visit Dad earlier than usual , leave to pick her up around 6 : 00 , and come back and finish our visit . Early dinner with Dad was uneventful . He protested as we left but we promised to come back and watch a movie with him . Dad waved goodbye as we headed to the airport . Mike , Allison and I were chatting about how nice it would be to see Kelly again , musing about what stories she would have about France , sure that most of them would be about all of the wonderful new food she tried . Then the car phone rang . It was Paula sobbing uncontrollably but we could barely understand her because the connection was terrible . All we could understand was " airport " , " crash " and " dead " . Our hearts stopped as we called her back hoping for a better connection . Please , God , not our Kelly . 2 Replies Having a family full of stubborn people , myself included , makes it particularly difficult to draw the line where family care transitions to professional care . My personal belief is that when the patient exhibits behavior or concerns that threaten the patient 's health or survival , it is time to discuss easing into , at the very least , a daycare or assisted living solution . Such indications appeared to be surfacing recently . Dad 's ability to communicate effectively is becoming more compromised as weeks pass . He is sitting in his chair far too long and , as a result , losing muscle tone and causing a noticeable amount of edema ( swelling / fluid retention due to lack of circulation ) in his ankles and feet . These are all bad signs but the worst indication happened two month ago . Hillary had sent out several texts regarding one of the gates to Dad 's backyard being left open . She speculated that either the gardener had been leaving it open or possibly an intruder was getting into the backyard . Either possibility was unacceptable and the gate needed a lock immediately . Tom offered to acquire one and handle installation . Being very stressed about Allison 's school work , Kelly 's graduation schedule and other pressing matters , I have been trying to bring Mike along with me when caring for Dad to help alleviate some of the stress . My Thursday and Friday visits came and went as usual . Saturday came and Mike accompanied me with the intention of clearing some of the dead trees and shrubs from around the house . As we pulled into the driveway we saw Dad walking around in front of the carport with Buddy running loose in the yard . This was very unusual . We walked back in and sat him down for dinner , keeping this change of behavior in the back of our minds . On the positive side , he did seem to know who we were , for the most part , but why was he out in the driveway ? Had one of his other caregivers just left ? " Don 't forget to go inside and put your feet up after we leave " , I called behind me , but as we got in my car we realized he wasn 't standing up on the porch as usual . He had followed us down the brick stairs to the carport and into the driveway . I waved again and told him to go inside but we were not convinced he would follow instructions . Beside my Dad 's property is a little neighborhood . After exiting the driveway we pulled into the neighborhood and parked the car . Mike got out and walked over to the edge of Dad 's property and called me on his cell phone . I could hear the wind blowing through the phone as he watched and reported back to me . " I 'm not even sure there is a mat . No , there wouldn 't be a key there . Come on back , we have to go back and help him " . He climbed the stairs shakily and crossed the back porch . We waived and honked as usual and drove around the corner into the neighborhood street . Again , Mike walked back to see if Dad had gone inside . " Okay " , he reported , wind still blowing through the connection , " He 's not outside and the light is off . You can 't turn out the lights from the outside , right ? He must be inside . " Satisfied Dad was safely in the house we went home … but the incident continued to haunt me . I decided to write an email blast to all the caregivers relating what had happened and asking who was the last person there and what time they had left . I was really hoping that when we had arrived and he was in the driveway perhaps we had just missed someone and he had not been out there long . Responses were immediate . Paula : " Well , damn ! Maybe exercising him by walking around the driveway isn 't such a good idea after all . " Bradley : " We left Grampa 's house around 2 : 30 this afternoon . I put the kiddo in the truck , then turned around and Grampa was standing right behind me . I thought it was odd but I was glad to see that he made it all the way out there no problem ( he used to be right there when I would leave ) . Buddy was not outside when we left so he must have gone back inside and then come back out with Buddy at some point . That is concerning . Thanks for the heads - up . " Then it struck me and I responded to all , " Maybe there is no intruder and the gardener isn 't leaving the gate open . Maybe Dad is the one leaving it open " . There was no response . I expect that the possibility might have been pretty scary and no one knew quite what to say . This would take some thought . Erin I bounced it off of Tom first to see what he thought . I knew Tom also believed , like me , that it was time to explore home care options . Tom agreed with the message and I sent it to both sisters , my nephew and his wife . At first the message was not well received by one caregiver who thought the ulterior motive was to discuss putting Dad in a home ( no names here , everyone is entitled to a certain amount of natural reaction to proposed changes ) . After much discussion and reassurance that this was not on the agenda at all , a place and time was set for a family " summit meeting " . There would be two weeks to prepare . We all had topics we wanted covered so that time was spent doing our homework . To be continued … This entry was posted in Alzheimer 's disease , Coping , dementia , Depression , family , illness , Uncategorized and tagged Alzheimer 's , bathing , caregiver , coping , dementia , elderly , family , Father , Home , Love , maintenance on July 9 , 2014 by erinohoulihan . Post navigation
|
So , as some of you might know , my sewing machine broke . It went kaput . And I pretty much almost cried . Gah . I love my sewing machine . Heck , I just love sewing . The worst part was that I had been trying to find time to finish sewing up my diapers for my kids for almost two weeks , and when I sit down , it won 't work . Blah . I kind of knew it was coming though because it had been having a few issues before that . We 're going to take it in for an estimate on how much it will cost to repair it , but if it 's too much , I doubt we 'll end up fixing it . We can 't afford to ! Thankfully , my grandma is letting me borrow her sewing machine . And a really nice lady I met , might have one that I can have . Which would be awesome ! I 'm not picky at all as long as it works , right ? I lost my baby Jacey on August 3rd , 2008 . It was by far one of the most difficult times of my life . Honestly , I think you could combine every bad thing that 's ever happened to me , multiply it by a million and it would barely even compare to the agony and sorrow I experienced when I lost Jacey . I wish I would have gone to the doctor sooner … So there would at least be a record of her existence , other than the positive pregnancy tests , and my discharge paper from the hospital for " severe abdominal cramping and excessive hemorrhaging . " By the time I got there , my levels were barely an 8 . I wish I would have gone sooner . I wish I could have gotten something , something in writing , stating she was really there . I wish I wouldn 't have looked when they did the ultrasound . Before they did it , I kept hoping that " maybe its just a little bleeding . Maybe she 's okay . Maybe it 's nothing . " But when I looked up at that screen and saw absolutely nothing , I started sobbing harder than I ever have . Heart - wrenching , body - shaking sobs . Looking at that screen , it made reality set in . A reality I wasn 't prepared to handle . I wish I would have wrote her one more letter . I had made a goal to write in a journal for her every day . From the time I got the journal , to the time I lost her , I wrote three letters . I wish I wouldn 't have skipped a few days . I wish I was able to throw the pregnancy tests away … But I can 't . Those sticks dipped in pee are all I really have left of her . I can 't just let that go . I 've thought of burning them . And putting the ashes in an urn . But I don 't think plastic will turn to ash . I wish I could stop crying . I still cry about it . I don 't think a week goes by where I don 't think of it , and wonder what she would have been like . I wish I could stop having these dreams about her . I don 't have them all the time , but when I do , it 's all of us . Maddi , Danny , Jacey and I … We 're all so happy . And I 'm just so filled with joy … That when I wake up , and realize she isn 't here , I feel like my heart is breaking all over again . I know that if she had been born , there wouldn 't be a Danny , but still … In my dreams , we 're all there . I wish I wouldn 't have let myself become so stressed when I was still pregnant with her . I wish that she could have spent her short life in a calm and peaceful place . I wish I could have at least given her that . I wish I hadn 't been so filled with hate after I lost her . It seemed like as soon as I lost her , everyone I knew , and everyone I saw was pregnant . Fate was being cruel . While waiting to get my pain medication after I lost her , I saw five pregnant women , in less than fifteen minutes . I went into a stall at Fred Meyers and cried even harder . And when one of my friends announced to me that she was pregnant , just a week or two later … I wasn 't happy for her . I was so angry . I hated her for it . I wish I hadn 't been that way . I wish I just could have been a good friend and been happy for her . I wish I wouldn 't have hated Jane for what she did . But it was so hard for me not to hate her , when she chose to end her baby 's life … And I would have done anything to prevent my baby from dying . I wish I would have been more prepared . Maybe it wouldn 't have been so traumatic … But at the same time , I don 't think that there is a way that anyone can prepare for something like that . But most of all , I just wish it wouldn 't hurt so much . It 's been almost two years , and it still hurts . I still cry . I still miss her everyday . I have made progress . Even though that progress is miniscule . I try to think of her in happy terms . That 's why I 'm putting her name in the park . Somewhere happy , full of smiles , laughter and joy . Somewhere that can carry her name , and her memory in a happy way . So , you 'll be happy to know , Deedee has settled in pretty well . She 's a complete sweetheart . She was really skittish and hid a lot at first , but now she comes out quite a bit , and she even plays with Blueberry . She comes in my room several times a night and lays with me , usually for only twenty minutes at a time . It 's funny though , because she and Blueberry are really possesive over me when I 'm sleeping . They both don 't want to let the other sleep with me and they get upset at each other if the other tries to ! I must be popular . We had a barbecue a couple days ago because Dan 's grandma from texas was down . It was fun . It was a lot of work , but it was fun . I even got to hold Kayli ( my neice ) for more than five minutes … for once . We had steak , shrimp alfredo , salad , corn on the cob and strawberry shortcake . It was fun , even though it rained . The only thing that could have made it better was no rain , a bonfire and s ' mores . I 've been working on my review blog quite a bit . I do have to say , I 'm impressed with how well its doing . I didn 't think it 'd take off so fast , but it has ! I have reviews left and right ! I 'm running behind what I 'd like my schedule to be , but it 's fine . It keeps me busy . I usually end up taping and writing my reviews on the weekends when I can have one of the kids , or my friend Maryah come over and help me tape them and conduct them . I love it . I 've finished my first manual for my childbirth educator training ; communication . I can 't really say that I 've learned a lot from it , because I just took a communication class at the college , at the same time as I was working on the manual , and I have to say , a lot of the concepts were pretty much the same . But I guess it 's a good refresher . The only thing that wasn 't really covered in my college class was the last section on miscarriage and grief . We 're supposed to write a reflective communication paper , about something we 've gone through that changed our lives , something we learned from , an experience that really changed us . For me , that 's the loss of my baby Jacey . I know it wouldn 't be genuine if I wrote about something else … So , I 'm going to write about it . I 'm really nervous about it . I started crying today just reading the section about miscarriage and grief . It was a short section , but still , it was hard to get through . I don 't know how I 'll be able to get through writing a huge paper about it . I 've been wanting to do something special , in remembrance of Jacey . But the problem was that I couldn 't think of what to do . It 's so hard to do something special … But then it just presented itself to me . Dan 's sister is on the committee for a new playground they 're building in Soldotna . And they are " selling " fence pickets as a way to help donate to the park 's construction . If you " buy " one for $ 30 , they will route whatevet you want into it . I 'm going to get one that says " Jacey Van Vleet . " I was only going to have it say Jacey , but after I told Dan , he told me I should put her last name too . I really like the idea of putting her name in the park . She was a baby . And I like to think of her playing in heaven with all of the other babies and children taken too soon . A playground seems like a fitting place to remember her . And a playground is a happy place . It isn 't somewhere you go with a deep sense of sorrow , like a graveyard . It 's somewhere you can go happily , and excited . Now , Blueberry is an AWESOME cat . He 's simply amazing . He does great with kids , he 's well behaved , he doesn 't scratch things up . The only bummer part about Mr . Blueberry , is that he pukes if he doesn 't get organic cat food , or if he gets into anything , but that 's all manageable , and I don 't mind cleaning it up if he does puke . I 'm a mom . I 'm used to cleaning up yucky stuff . Anyways , when we first got Blueberry back , my mom suggested we find him a friend . It made sense . Out of his entire life , Blueberry 's never really been alone , without a cat - companion . He had his two sisters when he was little and we lived in Indiana , then he had Lily when he lived with my mom and step - dad , then he had Betty when he lived with Hannah . He hasn 't really ever been without a cat - companion . So , I started looking a couple days after we brought Blueberry home . I wanted to let him adjust for a bit before we brought home a second cat , but I started looking . Just keeping an eye out . My mom and I decided that Blueberry would probably do better with a female companion ( Don 't worry , he 's fixed ) and preferably younger , because he tends to take on a big brother / mother cat kind of role with younger cats . And this way , with a younger companion , if and when Blueberry passes ( a very long time from now ! ) the kids will still have Blueberry 's friend and won 't feel like they 're replacing him if we get another cat . So , I looked on Craigslist . I looked on Petfinder . I looked at Clear Creek Cat Rescue . I looked a lot of places . I wanted to find a cat that was younger ( 2 or under ) and female , and was already fixed . I wanted her already fixed partly because of cost , plus I didn 't know how good of an idea it would be to have a kitty recovering from surgery with two little babies running around . I didn 't find any cats I wanted or could afford . There were a couple I was interested in , like one at the pound , but I couldn 't afford a three hour drive and $ 125 , as much as I would have loved to have been able to , it just wasn 't possible . And there was one at Clear Creek Cat Rescue I was interested in , but she was an itsy - bitsy baby , and I was kind of worried about how tiny she was in comparison to my kiddos ! That , combined with a higher adoption fee , it just wasn 't possible , especially since I 'd still have to drive up there ! So , I stopped looking for a week or so , mostly because I sort of gave up . But today , out of curiosity when I was waiting for a video to upload for my review blog , I took a peek at craigslist . I sent an email to a woman looking to rehome her 11 - month - old cat named Delilah , but nicknamed Deedee , and she responded pretty quickly . I asked a few questions about her kitty , and let her know I was in Soldotna ( about 3 hours south of Anchorage where she was ) and asked if , since I would be driving three hours to get her , if she would be willing to waive the rehoming fee ( Craigslist encourages small rehoming fees in order to ensure your animal is going to someone who genuinely wants it ) . She agreed , and I gave her my phone number . Her friend ( who the kitty was staying with ) called me , and we talked for a little . I got the okay from Dan to go up and get the kitty , but I drove to town to grab Dan 's cell phone beforehand . I really didn 't want to drive to Anchorage without one ! So , while I was getting the phone , and some snacks for us on the drive , as well as topping off my gas tank Maryah cleaned up the house a little , and got the kids ready to go . When I got back from getting Dan 's phone , we packed up the kids , and set out for Anchorage . The drive was pretty uneventful . We talked a lot , and just enjoyed each other 's company . It was around 7 : 30 - 8 : 00pm when we left , so the kids fell asleep shortly after having a snack , and didn 't wake up again until we got to Anchorage . We met up at the Dimond mall . Mandy , Deedee 's owner , was really sweet . You could tell right off the bat she really loved Deedee and she seemed really sad that she was having to give her to someone . Those situations always suck , but sometimes it 's better . I 've been there before , so I know how it is . She got Deedee out , and let me hold her right away ! She was so fluffy , and light ! She reminded me a lot of Lily , just how her body was structured , fluffy , light , and long . Very dainty . Very feminine . She let me hold her . She meowed a little bit , but she seemed okay with me holding her . She was really interested in all of the cars driving by , and all of the lights and noises in the parking lot . It was cute how she would stick her head out and look at everything ! Mandy said she felt better about it since she was able to look at my blog . I was kind of surprised she had , but she had said she saw the domain my email was from ( this one ) and decided to check it out , so she got to learn a little bit about me and my family . She even read about blueberry and everything that happened with him , and that made me feel good about it , because it shows she really cares about where Deedee is going . So , we said goodbye , and I told her not to be a stranger if she 's ever in Soldotna . And not to hesitate to call me or send an email . I don 't mind at all , and would be more than happy to let her her know how Deedee is doing . We headed South . Took us a few minutes to figure out exactly how to get back onto the highway that would take us home , but we did . Then , about ten minutes out of Anchorage , Maryah reminds me , " So … Weren 't you going to get gas ? " Ha . Just like me to get so excited over everything that I forget ! I know I have money in my account , so it 's a little irritating , but this isn 't the first time it happened . For some reason , whenever I go to Anchorage , Wells Fargo likes to lock out my cards . I called the number on my card , and for some reason , it 's impossible to get ahold of anyone real on the line , and there wasn 't an option for the lost / stolen / locked card issue … But it gave me a number to Wachovia . I tried a bunch of the menu options on Wells Fargo 's line , but none of them were leading to real people , and they were all saying to call back during normal business hours . I was kind of confused , but I called the Wachovia line , and thankfully , someone real answered . The woman said she couldn 't help me , but could directly transfer me to someone who could . So , I waited on hold … And waited . And waited . And waited . Finally , I get an answer . They go through the normal stuff … Asking for account numbers , security questions , last transactions , etc . So , they finally believe it 's really me , and they unlock my card . I go back to the pump , with the guy on the line ( I had been inside the gas station ) and I try my card . The Wells Fargo guy tells me to go inside and see if they can swipe my card . So , I go back in again , and they clerk swipes it … Four times . I tell the Wells Fargo guy that it 's still not working . He puts me on hold . Then when he comes back he tells me the same thing . That he unlocked my card and it should work . Then he suggests that maybe there 's something wrong with Tesoro 's card machines . Umm … I saw several other people use their cards . Then I suggested using the Wells Fargo ATM inside . I try it , and guess what . The phone guy keeps telling me it 's something wrong with Tesoro 's system ( it 's not ) , and then he asks me how far it is to the nearest gas station . Umm , an hour if I drive back to Anchorage ( but I don 't want to back track ! ) and three hours if I go home , and I don 't have enough gas to get there . And besides , I really don 't think it was Tesoro 's system , or other people couldn 't use their cards either . The guy on the phone keeps trying to convince me to go to another gas station , and finally I say ; By this point , I had been on the phone with this guy for an hour . And by that point , I was getting pretty damn angry . He kept insisting my card was unlocked , but it wasn 't working . And I know nothing was wrong with my card , because otherwise it wouldn 't have registered on his end that I even attempted to use my card . " Well , tell you what . If me , and my two kids in the car with my teenage friend , aren 't still stranded three hours from home at a freaking gas station by the time ' normal business hours ' roll around , then sure . I 'll call . And let them know how unhelpful you were . " He pretty much told me to have a nice day , goodbye , and " Thank you for choosing Wells Fargo . " Grr . Yeah right . I 'm seriously thinking of switching banks . This kind of stuff is ridiculous ! I call Dan and tell him everything that 's going on . I don 't have any cash on me , or any other cards . I asked him if he could get on priceline and book me a room in Anchorage , but when he looked , the rooms would have been for the following night … Not right then . And then , he remembered that they have to swipe your actual card when they check in , so that wouldn 't work either . I talked to him on the phone for a bit , trying to figure everything out . By this point , I 'm really stressed . Maryah , Maddi , Danny and Deedee have been in the car for over an hour waiting for me , and I had no clue what to do . But , Deedee was good the entire way home . She meowed a little bit , but she did good . We didn 't make her stay in the kennel . She went back and forth from Maryah 's lap , to sitting on the back of the backseat . She fell asleep for a while , but did good . When we got home , we set up her litter box right away . We left her in her kennel and let Blueberry sniff around it for 20 - 30 minutes . Then we put Blueberry in the other room , and let Deedee explore by herself a bit . She wanted to stay in the laundry room for quite a while , but we made her come out and look around . I was really surprised ! Blueberry didn 't hiss at her at all . Normally , you would think he would , since this is his house , and she 's the one intruding on him . But , nope . He was mostly curious . He really wanted to get close to her , but she kept hissing at him and he 'd back off . I 'm impressed with how patient he is . He keeps following her around , even though she keeps growling and hissing at him . She 's not growling as much , or hissing as much , but she still is a little . He 's a patient guy though . I 'm sure she 'll come around to him eventually . He seems to be okay with her , but she 's leery of him . But , I expect that will change sometime within the week , they just have to adjust to each other . I haven 't had back pain for a long time . I mean , I had the occasional back ache here and there just like anyone does , but I never had true back pain until I was pregnant with my son . It wasn 't too terrible until the end , but I mostly attributed it to part of being pregnant . I was carrying my son much differently than I had carried my daughter . My daughter widened me side to side , while my son widened me front to back . I figured this difference in positioning was to blame for the pain . The pain was especially bad right after my sons birth . I had labored for 11 hours before having a cesarean . Honestly , I think I could have delivered him vaginally had I had more support , but I was tired , and in pain , and I gave in and gave up . Next time , I will have a doula . No ifs ands or buts . But like I said , I labored for 11 hours , then delivered via cesarean . I don 't think the cesarean is to blame for my back pain . The pain isn 't located near the epidural site . The pain is actually lower , near the lumbar vertebrae , starting with the part of my spine level with the illiac crests of my hips . When he was first born , it just ached . It would feel better if I put my hands on my lower back , and leaned back and popped it . I tried not to , but my back would hurt so bad , and it would " lock up , " where I couldn 't move and falling asleep became painful . I usually only popped my back once a day . Then , it would be fine for a while . But it progressively got worse . It got to where I couldn 't pop it how I normally did , and I discovered if I laid down on my stomach and bent my knees and moved my legs slowly ( so that my feet touched my bum ) and then kind of arched my back , that it would pop , and I could have some kind of temporary relief . However , just like before , it got to the point it hurt too much . It got to the point that whole area of my spine just hurt . It was tender , it ached , and any kind of movement that directly or indirectly affected that area of my back was uncomfortable and I tried to avoid it . When my back locked up , I couldn 't really pop it anymore because it hurt too much . If I tried , I would end up almost crying . So , when I was at the doctor for my monthly check up ( I 'm on Ritalin , so I have to have a monthly check up ) I told them about it . I had been on a small dose of pain medication for it beforehand ( I usually only took it one or two times a week when the back pain was worse than normal ) , but it wasn 't bringing any kind of relief , so I made the decision to ask about it . I asked about being referred to a chiropractor , because I 've heard a lot of good about them , but they wanted to order an x - ray first to make sure it wasn 't something to do with a fracture or bone placement . So , I had the x - ray done , and I 'm waiting for them to call me and tell me what the results are . They did talk about doing an MRI to see if it 's something to do with the muscles , but I really don 't think it 's muscular . I mean , it could be , but I really feel like it 's a bone thing . They prescribed me a higher dose of the pain medication , and combined it with a muscle relaxant , and gave me these pain patch things in the meantime . The combination works and it does help alleviate the pain , but I don 't want to be taking / using them forever . I 'm really hoping the x - ray will give them a better idea of what 's wrong with it , and hopefully , whatever it is , is treatable and repairable . I really don 't like the idea of having to depend on these medications just fir my back not to hurt . It makes me nervous . My mom has really bad back problems , so I can 't help but worry that I 'm going to as well . I 'm 21 . If it 's bad now , what 's it going to be like when I 'm 40 ? On top of that , I plan on trying for another baby in the next year or two , and I really don 't want to be in horrible back pain when I 'm pregnant . Being pregnant is hard enough , you know ? I don 't want to have back problems when I 'm pregnant . So , getting all of this cleared up and figured out before I get pregnant is probably a good idea . Danny has been a non - stop fuss bucket for the last three days , and at first we couldn 't figure out why . I checked his mouth last night , and lo - and - behold , he 's got a tooth popped through on his top gum . Then , this morning , Dan tells me that he has THREE teeth coming through . I didn 't believe him , so I check , and he doesn 't have three teeth coming in , he has FOUR teeth coming in on top ! No wonder my poor baby is miserable ! He 's been really clingy , and just wanting to nurse all the time . He 'll nurse long enough , and hard enough , that I end up getting let - down three times in one nursing ! He usually never nurses that strong ! My poor little guy . Blueberry is adjusting well . He does really great with the kids , although sometimes I wish he WOULD turn around and claw Maddi when she 's mean to him . Maybe then she 'd understand he dosen 't like it , and she 'd stop . But no , he 's too sweet . He lets her get away with it . He really likes Danny though , and curls up with him a lot . And Dan is his favorite . He curls up with Dan a lot , which is funny because Dan tries to tell me he dosen 't like cats , yet he plays with blueberry just as much , if not more than the rest of us ! School is going okay . I 'm kind of losing my motivation . I just don 't enjoy my classes because they aren 't what I 'm interested in , you know ? I got all of my coursework to begin my childbirth educator certification . Which , I am super excited about . I also got my breastfeeding counselor coursework , and birth and post partum doula coursework as well . I 'm so excited for it ! Be sure to check out my review blog . I 've got a few giveaways going on over there ! We 're giving away a Medela freestyle breast pump , a woombie , a juppy baby walker , and a surprise giveaway for nursing moms ! As some of you may know , I love babywearing , but it wasn 't always that way . I was first introduced to babywearing when I had my daughter in 2007 , however , due to my lack of experience , and perhaps my lack of guidance , I hated doing it . I really think it was due to not having a good , comfortable baby carrier . The only carriers I had used with my daughter were a pouch , which worked GREAT until she hit about 15 pounds , and then in killed my back … And then one of those front - pack crotch - dangler carrier , which was a pain to set up , and was even more painful to wear . My daughter wasn 't heavy , weighing in at only 17 pounds on her first birthday , but wearing her in the carriers that I had at the time just killed my back , and due to a lack of knowledge about babywearing , I gave up on it . I didn 't really think about babywearing again until I had my son . I knew I planned on using a pouch sling until he was too big , just because I really enjoyed it . But then he started hurting my back , just like my daughter had . My main challenge was going grocery shopping . It was nearly impossible for me to do . I 'd sit my daughter in the cart 's seat , and then put my son in his carseat in the basket of the cart , or I 'd have to carry him and manage to push the cart at the same time . If I carried him , then I had to steer the cart one - handed , which made it difficult and frustrating to shop . If I put him in the cart in his carseat , then I barely had any room for groceries and couldn 't get much of anything at once . That 's when I decided I needed to do something . I couldn 't handle any more of these horrible shopping trips . I researched into a few different baby carriers , but unfortunately , the carriers I liked , I couldn 't afford . And the carriers I could afford , I didn 't like . One of my friends I met online , Bri , offered to mail me a carrier that she loved , but just didn 't like the pattern on the fabric . I figured it was worth a shot , and was very excited to try it when she sent it . It worked pretty well , and it didn 't Link To Full Post We got blueberry ( our orange tabby cat ) after he was abandoned on someone 's porch in Indiana as a kitten . He 's the sweetest guy ever . We even brought him back to Alaska when we moved up here . Anyways , when my mom and step - dad split , things got really ugly . I mean , REALLY ugly . Curt didn 't want to keep the cats ( blueberry and lily ) and he told me that if I couldn 't find a home for them by 3 : 30 they 'd be gone . I couldn 't take them , because I was living with Curt at the time . I found a friend of Dan 's to take them , and I called Curt . It was too late for lily . He already offed her . But blueberry was still alive . I drove home so fast and got him ! I almost cried when I gave him to Hannah , but she 's a really nice girl and she loves animals . Anyways , Hannah and her boyfriend broke up in August , and her boyfriend ( also named Dan ) was keeping the cats . Anyways , Hannah moved to Hawaii two months ago , and when her ex , Dan found out she had a new boyfriend , I guess he started getting really mad and telling Hannah that he didn 't want to keep the cats , even though Hannah was giving him money for them . She told him to call me and Dan and have us take Blueberry because she knew we would take good care of him . Dan B . ( her ex ) called my Dan a week ago , and Dan forgot to tell me . Anyways , i got ahold of Dan B , asking when i could come get blueberry and whatnot and he told me he already got rid of him . I practically begged him to ask whoever he gave him to let me have him back . I offered to give him / them twenty bucks and reimburse them for any food or litter they bought . Dan B seemed like he didn 't want to ask for him back and said it was weird to ask for them back , but he said he would . Hannah even tried pleading with him to get him to tell use who he gave blueberry to . Anyways , i decided to post something on craigslist looking for blueberry , and then on Dog Gone news ( a program our radio station has to help people find their pets ) . I saw a link to the animal shelter and on a whim I thought I should call . I almost didn 't call because Dan B had said he gave them to someone , so why bother with the pound ? ! ? Anyways , i call , and the people at the pound tell me that they DO have a cat matching blueberry 's description at the pound and that he had been left there with another cat in a rubbermaid container . And the other cat matched the description of the other cat Hannah had . The f * * * ed up part was that he put the food on top of the hole in the tub and they couldn 't breathe and the other cat ( not blueberry ) died ! ! ! ! But blueberry managed to move the food away through the hole so he could breathe ! So , my mom and I went in the next morning . We would have gone in the same day , but I hadn 't called them until 15 minutes before they closed , so there was no way I would have made it to town before they closed . Anyways , I was so nervous . My heart was racing and my head was pounding . I almost feel silly being so worked up over a cat , but I was just so worried about him ! And he 's part of our family ! When we went into the shelter , the worker at the desk was actually looking at the craigslist ad I had posted for blueberry when I still believed that Dan B . had given them away to someone . She told me she 's almost positive that the cat they had was ours . I held my breath and when we walked into the cat room … . I was so elated I almost cried ! He didn 't see us at first , and he just looked so dejected and scared … . but as soon as he looked up , he saw my mom and he just lit up ! He practically attacked the cage door and meowed at us until he was let out and then he just wanted us to hold him ! It was just awesome ! I can 't even describe how good I felt about it all . Blueberry had to fight to live for almost ten hours before the workers got there and freed him from the rubbermaid tote that became a deathbox for his friend , who died next to him . Can you imagine how he must have felt ? Struggling frantically for almost ten hours , all the while , his best friend dying right next to him , and when she did die , the tote being so small , that he was forced to stand on top of her until the workers arrived at the pound and were able to rescue him ? ! I can 't imagine the fear , the panic , the adrenaline rush he must have been feeling . And you have no idea how enraged I am that someone did this to Blueberry . I don 't care who you are or what your problem is , you NEVER take out your anger at another person out on an innocent animal who has done nothing to you ! It 's completely messed up , and I 'm sorry … But no decent person … Animal lover or not … . Does that to an animal . And why would he lie to me and tell me he had already given them away … when really , he still had them and took them to the pound an hour or two after I got ahold of him . So , I was talking to one of the mamas I donate milk to , and her little girl got sick and was in the hospital with RSV . I know it sounds silly , but when I saw she was in the hospital , my heart jumped in my throat and I just about started crying ! I know it sounds silly , but I feel like she 's my baby too ! I think I feel that way about all of my milk babies , but especially Lexi . I don 't know why . Maybe it 's because I feel like I 've gotten to know her and her mom really well . But , I was so worried about her ! And luck has it , I had milk leftover from when Danny was recovering from RSV , so it might be able to better help her little girl fight it all off ! Especially considering it should have the right antibodies to help combat it , since it was pumped right around the time Danny was getting over his RSV . Only problem was , I had it all in bottles , and not bags , and the bottles aren 't good for shipping . Normally , I wouldn 't do this , because technically , you shouldn 't thaw and then refreeze breast milk , however , I 've refrozen milk that was slushy before , and it was just fine , so I got the milk to that point , and then my sister and I started bagging it all ! It took us about an hour just to bag it all ! We had 78 bottles to bag . We ended up giving Danny three of the bottles , because he saw us bagging it and got these jealous puppy eyes . He was probably thinking , " What ? What is she doing with MY milk ? ! That 's mine ! I could be drinking that ! Wait ! What are you doing ? ! Give it back ! ! ! " So , we warmed a couple bottles of it up for him and he was happy . But , like I said , normally , I wouldn 't thaw and refreeze , but I was super careful about it , making sure the milk stayed cold / slushy the entire time . And since I 've refrozen a couple bottles here and there that were at that point , I feel comfortable doing it . So , now we just need it to all refreeze completely by morning so I can ship it off to her . It was definitely a task ! I had to drive out to my step - dad 's to get the milk out of his freezer ( he had been storing it for me ) , so I bet he 's glad that it 's gone and he has room ! He was ( jokingly ) threatening that he was going to use it in his coffee if I didn 't come get it soon ! But then we had to let it thaw out , and bag it . Tori helped me . We used the breast shields for my breast pump like a funnel and poured all the milk into the bags . It 's mostly an economy issue . The bottles won 't fit in the cooler very well , and they take up a lot of extra weight . So , when you 're shipping 2nd day , and you 're paying a pretty penny for it , you want to be able to get the most out of it you can . If I had sent it in the bottle , I probably could have only fit 12 - 15 bottles in the cooler ( 30 - 37 . 5 ounces ) but in the bags , I can fit around 18 - 22 bags in the cooler ( 108 - 132 ounces ) . So when you 're paying $ 50 - 100 just to ship it , you definitely want to get the most out of it that you can ! Especially since you can 't be shipping it all the time ! But yeah . Miss Lexi is going to get some nummy - yummy good - for - her - tummy milk very soon ! And I 'm sure she 'll enjoy it ! Last time , Courtney ( her mom ) told me that Lexi downed the bottle of breast milk faster than she ever downed a bottle of formula , so she must have enjoyed it ! Can 't say I blame her ! I 'd rather a glass of drink breast milk over formula any day ! Anyways , I just had to share . This kind of stuff just gives me the happy - warm - fuzzy - feelings all over . Just makes me feel really good about being able to help such an amazing little girl in such an amazing way . So maybe Dan isn 't wrong when he says my breastmilk is taking over the freezer ? The bags are milk , and so are the tubes with the yellow caps . . . lol ! Breastmilk , Ice Cream , Burgers , Salmon and more breastmilk ! What an awesome freezer ! Wowza ! So , I haven 't updated in quite a bit . I 've just been SOOOO busy lately . It 's been chaotic . I can 't even begin to describe everything going on … First , we were all sick . Maddi ended up in the ER with croup , and Danny ended up in the hospital overnight for a respiratory infection in his left lung . Definitely not any fun ! Thankfully that 's all over and everyone is starting to feel much better than before ! I feel kind of run down , but I think it 's just a byproduct of being sick added to chasing kids around all the time . I 've been going to church a lot more lately . I 've been enjoying it . I 'm still investigating it , but I 'm enjoying it for the most part . School is … well … school . I could be doing better . I think the problem is , I 'm not interested in it . They 're all subjects that I really have no genuine interest in . It 's not really something I enjoy at all . I 'm getting impatient waiting to do my childbirth education and breastfeeding education certifications . I wish I was rich . Ha ha ha ! I might start vollunteering at the WIC office as a peer breastfeeding counselor . That will at least get me some experience , right ? I would definitely enjoy it ! After all , who dosen 't love talking about boobs ? Just kidding . I entered Maddi and Danny in a photo contest . You should vote for them ! They 're number 10 and number 11 ! It ends tomorrow , so hurry up and vote !
|
When I first heard this coming - of - age story by Doris Lessing on Sunday afternoon radio , I was captivated . I wasn 't able to hear the ending ( or even find out the name of the author or story ) . I was delighted to find this story later in a collection called Beach . The situation in " Through the Tunnel " reminds me of a blow hole in Hawaii that fills up with water whenever a wave comes in . When the wave goes out , brave kids swim through the hole where the water comes in and goes back out to sea . The hundred - foot swim is too far to make in one wave , so the swimmers must grab the wall and hold their breath in the black water , waiting for the ebb of the next wave to carry them out . That swim is easy compared to what young Jerry sets out to do in this - dare I say it ? - bildungsroman . Going to the shore on the first morning of the holiday , the young English boy stopped at a turning of the path and looked down at a wild and rocky bay , and then over to the crowded beach he knew so well from other years . His mother walked on in front of him , carrying a bright - striped bag in one hand . Her other arm , swinging loose , was very white in the sun . The boy watched that white , naked arm , and turned his eyes , which had a frown behind them , toward the bay and back again to his mother . When she felt he was not with her , she swung around . " Oh , there you are , Jerry ! " she said . She looked impatient , then smiled . " Why , darling , would you rather not come with me ? Would you rather - " She frowned , conscientiously worrying over what amusements he might secretly be longing for which she had been too busy or too careless to imagine . He was very familiar with that anxious , apologetic smile . Contrition sent him running after her . And yet , as he ran , he looked back over his shoulder at the wild bay ; and all morning , as he played on the safe beach , he was thinking of it . She gave the idea her attention . It was a wild - looking place , and there was no one there , but she said , " Of course , Jerry . When you 've had enough come to the big beach . Or just go straight back to the villa , if you like . " She walked away , that bare arm , now slightly reddened from yesterday 's sun , swinging . And he almost ran after her again , feeling it unbearable that she should go by herself , but he did not . She was thinking , Of course he 's old enough to be safe without me . Have I been keeping him too close ? He mustn 't feel he ought to be with me . I must be careful . He was an only child , eleven years old . She was a widow . She was determined to be neither possessive nor lacking in devotion . She went worrying off to her beach . As for Jerry , once he saw that his mother had gained her beach , he began the steep descent to the bay . From where he was , high up among red - brown rocks , it was a scoop of moving bluish green fringed with white . As he went lower , he saw that it spread among small promontories and inlets of rough , sharp rock , and the crisping , lapping surface showed stains of purple and darker blue . Finally , as he ran sliding and scraping down the last few yards , he saw an edge of white surf , and the shallow , luminous movement of water over white sand , and , beyond that , a solid , heavy blue . He ran straight into the water and began swimming . He was a good swimmer . He went out fast over the gleaming sand , over a middle region where rocks lay like discoloured monsters under the surface , and then he was in the real sea - a warm sea where irregular cold currents from the deep water shocked his limbs . When he was so far out that he could look back not only on the little bay but past the promontory that was between it and the big beach , he floated on the buoyant surface and looked for his mother . There she was , a speck of yellow under an umbrella that looked like a slice of orange peel . He swam back to shore , relieved at being sure she was there , but all at once very lonely . On the edge of a small cape that marked the side of the bay away from the promontory was a loose scatter of rocks . Above them , some boys were stripping off their clothes . They came running , naked , down to the rocks . The English boy swam towards them , and kept his distance at a stone 's throw . They were of that coast , all of them burned smooth dark brown , and speaking a language he did not understand . To be with them , of them , was a craving that filled his whole body . He swam a little closer ; they turned and watched him with narrowed , alert dark eyes . Then one smiled and waved . It was enough . In a minute , he had swum in and was on the rocks beside them , smiling with a desperate , nervous supplication . They shouted cheerful greetings at him , and then , as he preserved his nervous , uncomprehending smile , they understood that he was a foreigner strayed from his own beach , and they proceeded to forget him . But he was happy . He was with them . They began diving again and again from a high point into a well of blue sea between rough , pointed rocks . After they had dived and come up , they swam around , hauled themselves up , and waited their turn to dive again . They were big boys - men to Jerry . He dived , and they watched him , and when he swam around to take his place , they made way for him . He felt he was accepted , and he dived again , carefully , proud of himself . Soon the biggest of the boys poised himself , shot down into the water , and did not come up . The others stood about , watching . Jerry , after waiting for the sleek brown head to appear , let out a yell of warning ; they looked at him idly and turned their eyes back towards the water . After a long time , the boy came up on the other side of a big dark rock , letting the air out of his lungs in a spluttering gasp and a shout of triumph . Immediately , the rest of them dived in . One moment , the morning seemed full of chattering boys ; the next , the air and the surface of the water were empty . But through the heavy blue , dark shapes could be seen moving and groping . Jerry dived , shot past the school of underwater swimmers , saw a black wall of rock looming at him , touched it , and bobbed up at once to the surface , where the wall was a low barrier he could see across . There was no one visible ; under him , in the water , the dim shapes of the swimmers had disappeared . Then one , and then another of the boys came up on the far side of the barrier of rock , and he understood that they had swum through some gap or hole in it . He plunged down again . He could see nothing through the stinging salt water but the blank rock . When he came up , the boys were all on the diving rock , preparing to attempt the feat again . And now , in a panic of failure , he yelled up , in English , " Look at me ! Look ! " and he began splashing and kicking in the water like a foolish dog . They looked down gravely , frowning . He knew the frown . At moments of failure , when he clowned to claim his mother 's attention , it was with just this grave , embarrassed inspection that she rewarded him . Through his hot shame , feeling the pleading grin on his face like a scar that he could never remove , he looked up at the group of big brown boys on the rock and shouted , " Bonjour ! Merci ! Au revoir ! Monsieur , monsieur ! " while he hooked his fingers round his ears and waggled them . Water surged into his mouth ; he choked , sank , came up . The rock , lately weighed with boys , seemed to rear up out of the water as their weight was removed . They were flying down past him , now , into the water ; the air was full of falling bodies . Then the rock was empty in the hot sunlight . He counted one , two , three . . . . At fifty , he was terrified . They must all be drowning beneath him , in the watery caves of the rock ! At a hundred , he stared around him at the empty hillside , wondering if he should yell for help . He counted faster , faster , to hurry them up , to bring them to the surface quickly , to drown them quickly - anything rather than the terror of counting on and on into the blue emptiness of the morning . And then , at a hundred and sixty , the water beyond the rock was full of boys blowing like brown whales . They swam back to the shore without a look at him . He climbed back to the diving rock and sat down , feeling the hot roughness of it under his thighs . The boys were gathering up their bits of clothing and running off along the shore to another promontory . They were leaving to get away from him . He cried openly , fists in his eyes . There was no one to see him , and he cried himself out . It seemed to him that a long time had passed , and he swam out to where he could see his mother . Yes , she was still there , a yellow spot under an orange umbrella . He swam back to the big rock , climbed up , and dived into the blue pool among the fanged and angry boulders . Down he went , until he touched the wall of rock again . But the salt was so painful in his eyes that he could not see . He came to the surface , swam to shore and went back to the villa to wait for his mother . Soon she walked slowly up the path , swinging her striped bag , the flushed , naked arm dangling beside her . " I want some swimming goggles , " he panted , defiant and beseeching . She gave him a patient , inquisitive look as she said casually , " Well , of course , darling . " But now , now , now ! He must have them this minute , and no other time . He nagged and pestered until she went with him to a shop . As soon as she had bought the goggles , he grabbed them from her hand as if she were going to claim them for herself , and was off , running down the steep path to the bay . Jerry swam out to the big barrier rock , adjusted the goggles , and dived . The impact of the water broke the rubber - enclosed vacuum , and the goggles came loose . He understood that he must swim down to the base of the rock from the surface of the water . He fixed the goggles tight and firm , filled his lungs , and floated , face down , on the water . Now he could see . It was as if he had eyes of a different kind - fish eyes that showed everything clear and delicate and wavering in the bright water . Under him , six or seven feet down , was a floor of perfectly clean , shining white sand , rippled firm and hard by the tides . Two greyish shapes steered there , like long , rounded pieces of wood or slate . They were fish . He saw them nose towards each other , poise motionless , make a dart forward , swerve off , and come around again . It was like a water dance . A few inches above them , the water sparkled as if sequins were dropping through it . Fish again - myriads of minute fish , the length of his fingernail , were drifting through the water , and in a moment he could feel the innumerable tiny touches of them against his limbs . It was like swimming in flaked silver . The great rock the big boys had swum through rose sheer out of the white sand , black , tufted lightly with greenish weed . He could see no gap in it . He swam down to its base . Again and again he rose , took a big chestful of air , and went down . Again and again he groped over the surface of the rock , feeling it , almost hugging it in the desperate need to find the entrance . And then , once , while he was clinging to the black wall , his knees came up and he shot his feet out forward and they met no obstacle . He had found the hole . He gained the surface , clambered about the stones that littered the barrier rock until he found a big one , and , with this in his arms , let himself down over the side of the rock . He dropped , with the weight , straight to the sandy floor . Clinging tight to the anchor of stone , he lay on his side and looked in under the dark shelf at the place where his feet had gone . He could see the hole . It was an irregular , dark gap , but he could not see deep into it . He let go of his anchor , clung with his hands to the edges of the hole , and tried to push himself in . He got his head in , found his shoulders jammed , moved them in sidewise , and was inside as far as his waist . He could see nothing ahead . Something soft and clammy touched his mouth , he saw a dark frond moving against the greyish rock , and panic filled him . He thought of octopuses , of clinging weed . He pushed himself out backward and caught a glimpse , as he retreated , of a harmless tentacle of seaweed drifting in the mouth of the tunnel . But it was enough . He reached the sunlight , swam to shore , and lay on the diving rock . He looked down into the blue well of water . He knew he must find his way through that cave , or hole , or tunnel , and out the other side . First , he thought , he must learn to control his breathing . He let himself down into the water with another big stone in his arms , so that he could lie effortlessly on the bottom of the sea . He counted . One , two , three . He counted steadily . He could hear the movement of blood in his chest . Fifty - one , fifty - two . . . . His chest was hurting . He let go of the rock and went up into the air . He saw that the sun was low . He rushed to the villa and found his mother at her supper . She said only " Did you enjoy yourself ? " and he said " Yes . " That night , his nose bled badly . For hours he had been underwater , learning to hold his breath , and now he felt weak and dizzy . His mother said , " I shouldn 't overdo things , darling , if I were you . " That day and the next , Jerry exercised his lungs as if everything , the whole of his life , all that he would become , depended upon it . And again his nose bled at night , and his mother insisted on his coming with her the next day . It was a torment to him to waste a day of his careful self - training , but he stayed with her on that other beach , which now seemed a place for small children , a place where his mother might lie safe in the sun . It was not his beach . He did not ask for permission , on the following day , to go to his beach . He went , before his mother could consider the complicated rights and wrongs of the matter . A day 's rest , he discovered , had improved his count by ten . The big boys had made the passage while he counted a hundred and sixty . He had been counting fast , in his fright . Probably now , if he tried , he could get through that long tunnel , but he was not going to try yet . A curious , most unchildlike persistence , a controlled impatience , made him wait . In the meantime , he lay underwater on the white sand , littered now by stones he had brought down from the upper air , and studied the entrance to the tunnel . He knew every jut and corner of it , as far as it was possible to see . It was as if he already felt its sharpness about his shoulders . He sat by the clock in the villa , when his mother was not near , and checked his time . He was incredulous and then proud to find he could hold his breath without strain for two minutes . The words " two minutes " , authorized by the clock , brought the adventure that was so necessary to him close . In another four days , his mother said casually one morning , they must go home . On the day before they left , he would do it . He would do it if it killed him , he said defiantly to himself . But two days before they were to leave - a day of triumph when he increased his count by fifteen - his nose bled so badly that he turned dizzy and had to lie limply over the big rock like a bit of seaweed , watching the thick red blood flow on to the rock and trickle slowly down to the sea . He was frightened . Supposing he turned dizzy in the tunnel ? Supposing he died there , trapped ? Supposing - his head went around , in the hot sun , and he almost gave up . He thought he would return to the house and lie down , and next summer , perhaps , when he had another year 's growth in him - then he would go through the hole . But even after he had made the decision , or thought he had , he found himself sitting up on the rock and looking down into the water , and he knew that now , this moment when his nose had only just stopped bleeding , when his head was still sore and throbbing - this was the moment when he would try . If he did not do it now , he never would . He was trembling with fear that he would not go , and he was trembling with horror at that long , long tunnel under the rock , under the sea . Even in the open sunlight , the barrier rock seemed very wide and very heavy ; tons of rock pressed down on where he would go . If he died there , he would lie until one day - perhaps not before next year - those big boys would swim into it and find it blocked . He put on his goggles , fitted them tight , tested the vacuum . His hands were shaking . Then he chose the biggest stone he could carry and slipped over the edge of the rock until half of him was in the cool , enclosing water and half in the hot sun . He looked up once at the empty sky , filled his lungs once , twice , and then sank fast to the bottom with the stone . He let it go and began to count . He took the edges of the hole in his hands and drew himself into it , wriggling his shoulders in sidewise as he remembered he must , kicking himself along with his feet . Soon he was clear inside . He was in a small rock - bound hole filled with yellowish - grey water . The water was pushing him up against the roof . The roof was sharp and pained his back . He pulled himself along with his hands - fast , fast - and used his legs as levers . His head knocked against something ; a sharp pain dizzied him . Fifty , fifty - one , fifty - two . . . . He was without light , and the water seemed to press upon him with the weight of rock . Seventy - one , seventy - two . . . . There was no strain on his lungs . He felt like an inflated balloon , his lungs were so light and easy , but his head was pulsing . He was being continually pressed against the sharp roof , which felt slimy as well as sharp . Again he thought of octopuses , and wondered if the tunnel might be filled with weed that could tangle him . He gave himself a panicky , convulsive kick forward , ducked his head , and swam . His feet and hands moved freely , as if in open water . The hole must have widened out . He thought he must be swimming fast , and he was frightened of banging his head if the tunnel narrowed . A hundred , a hundred and one . . . The water paled . Victory filled him . His lungs were beginning to hurt . A few more strokes and he would be out . He was counting wildly ; he said a hundred and fifteen , and then , a long time later , a hundred and fifteen again . The water was a clear jewel - green all around him . Then he saw , above his head , a crack running up through the rock . Sunlight was falling through it , showing the clean dark rock of the tunnel , a single mussel shell , and darkness ahead . He was at the end of what he could do . He looked up at the crack as if it were filled with air and not water , as if he could put his mouth to it to draw in air . A hundred and fifteen , he heard himself say inside his head - but he had said that long ago . He must go on into the blackness ahead , or he would drown . His head was swelling , his lungs cracking . A hundred and fifteen , a hundred and fifteen pounded through his head , and he feebly clutched at rocks in the dark , pulling himself forward , leaving the brief space of sunlit water behind . He felt he was dying . He was no longer quite conscious . He struggled on in the darkness between lapses into unconsciousness . An immense , swelling pain filled his head , and then the darkness cracked with an explosion of green light . His hands , groping forward , met nothing , and his feet , kicking back , propelled him out into the open sea . He drifted to the surface , his face turned up to the air . He was gasping like a fish . He felt he would sink now and drown ; he could not swim the few feet back to the rock . Then he was clutching it and pulling himself up on it . He lay face down , gasping . He could see nothing but a red - veined , clotted dark . His eyes must have burst , he thought ; they were full of blood . He tore off his goggles and a gout of blood went into the sea . His nose was bleeding , and the blood had filled the goggles . He scooped up handfuls of water from the cool , salty sea , to splash on his face , and did not know whether it was blood or salt water he tasted . After a time , his heart quieted , his eyes cleared , and he sat up . He could see the local boys diving and playing half a mile away . He did not want them . He wanted nothing but to get back home and lie down . In a short while , Jerry swam to shore and climbed slowly up the path to the villa . He flung himself on his bed and slept , waking at the sound of feet on the path outside . His mother was coming back . He rushed to the bathroom , thinking she must not see his face with bloodstains , or tearstains , on it . He carne out of the bathroom and met her as she walked into the villa , smiling , her eyes lighting up . " Have a nice morning ? " she asked , laying her head on his warm brown shoulder a moment . She looked at him closely . He was strained . His eyes were glazed - looking . She was worried . And then she said to herself , " Oh , don 't fuss ! Nothing can happen . He can swim like a fish . " " Can you , darling ? " she said . " Well , I shouldn 't overdo it . I don 't think you ought to swim any more today . " Friday is when I 'm supposed to publish stories by unknown writers , but Neal Pollack isn 't exactly unknown . He 's published collections of stories , and he 's even made an appearance on The Daily Show . I have three reasons for breaking from the " unknown writer " rule today : ( 1 ) Neal Pollack gives the feeling that he 's an unknown writer , ( 2 ) I can 't find anyone else 's stories since I got my new computer , and ( 3 ) Neal Pollack cracks me up in that orange - juice - out - the - nose way . I 've been going to bed lately on a pile of jagged stones covered only by a thin cotton blanket half - eaten by moths . This is one of the worst possible sleeping arrangements I could imagine . Sometimes I wonder how things got this way , but I have to remember that I am a journalist , novelist , radio producer and poet , and I am here in Albania to find out what life is really like for a family in the poorest country in Europe . I have personally borne witness to much human suffering . People here are beset by unwanted refugees , obscure diseases , and limited opportunies to express themselves through fashion . I must tell you : Things are not good . We had dirt for lunch today . All 23 of us . Jumanji , the patriarch of this family , is a short , bald , armless man who looks older than his 87 years . He tells me that dirt has been of short supply in Albania lately , and he worries about his family 's diet . I have tried to make our food taste better using some of the skills that I learned at the Culinary Institute of America , but with no success . My considerable abilities seem useless here ; I am a Rhodes Scholar , but no one in Albania has even heard of Cambridge , much less of England . Although this family 's house has no plumbing , consistent heat source or exterior walls , they do have satellite television . I was tired today from all my reporting , so I relaxed by watching CNN 's Eastern European Entertainment Minute . I saw that a good friend of mine had won a jury prize at the Sundance Film Festival , which made me think about the awards and honors I 've gained in my life , the trophies , the ribbons , and the cash . In the face of this Albanian poverty and hopelessness , they all seem somehow trivial now . Do you know what I mean ? I wake up early this morning and watch the village children play soccer with the bloated carcass of a cat . I 've been here so long that this kind of thing doesn 't bother me anymore , so I join in . I score three goals and make a game - winning save . The children gather around me and ask about my life in the more bohemian sections of Brooklyn . I show them a picture of my girlfriend . Later , a man is impaled on a stake in the town square , while a desperate , ravaging mob tears at his clothes to wear as their own . I want to ask : for what crime was this man sentenced to die ? But I do not speak Albanian . I am leaving tomorrow . The town has pooled its remaining money together , three dollars , to throw me a farewell party . I hug Grandma Ninotchka , my favorite family member , for a long time . She works 20 hours a day , six days a week as a plutonium miner to feed her family , and spends her precious free time , what little there is , as a volunteer grave digger . I am not prepared for the immense wave of emotion that I am experiencing . Nothing I went through in college , not even having dinner with two presidents , could have possibly prepared me for this . I cry silent tears , and pray for the people of this sorrow - ridden country , and for myself . I 'm not a big fan of post - modern fiction , which more often than not strikes me as self - indulgent and show - offy . But Barthelme can pull it off some of the time . Let 's suppose I read 60 stories by Donald Barthelme . I 'd probably adore 4 or 5 of them . Let 's suppose I read 40 stories by Mr . Barthelme . I 'd probably still adore 4 or 5 of them . I don 't know why that is . Well , we had all these children out planting trees , see , because we figured that … that was part of their education , to see how , you know , the root systems . . . and also the sense of responsibility , taking care of things , being individually responsible . You know what I mean . And the trees all died . They were orange trees . I don 't know why they died , they just died . Something wrong with the soil possibly or maybe the stuff we got from the nursery wasn 't the best . We complained about it . So we 've got thirty kids there , each kid had his or her own little tree to plant , and we 've got these thirty dead trees . All these kids looking at these little brown sticks , it was depressing . It wouldn 't have been so bad except that just a couple of weeks before the thing with the trees , the snakes all died . But I think that the snakes - - well , the reason that the snakes kicked off was that … you remember , the boiler was shut off for four days because of the strike , and that was explicable . It was something you could explain to the kids because of the strike . I mean , none of their parents would let them cross the picket line and they knew there was a strike going on and what it meant . So when things got started up again and we found the snakes they weren 't too disturbed . With the herb gardens it was probably a case of overwatering , and at least now they know not to overwater . The children were very conscientious with the herb gardens and some of them probably … you know , slipped them a little extra water when we weren 't looking . Or maybe … well , I don 't like to think about sabotage , although it did occur to us . I mean , it was something that crossed our minds . We were thinking that way probably because before that the gerbils had died , and the white mice had died , and the salamander . . , well , now they know not to carry them around in plastic bags . Of course we expected the tropical fish to die , that was no surprise . Those numbers , you look at them crooked and they 're belly - up on the surface . But the lesson plan called for a tropical - fish input at that point , there was nothing we could do , it happens every year , you just have to hurry past it . We weren 't even supposed to have one , it was just a puppy the Murdoch girl found under a Gristede 's truck one day and she was afraid the truck would run over it when the driver had finished making his delivery , so she stuck it in her knapsack and brought it to school with her . So we had this puppy . As soon as 1 saw the puppy I thought , Oh Christ , I bet it will live for about two weeks and then . . . And that 's what it did . It wasn 't supposed to be in the classroom at all , there 's some kind of regulation , about it , but you can 't tell them they can 't have a puppy when the puppy is already there , right in front of them , running around on the floor and yap yap yapping . They named it Edgar - - - that is , they named it after me . They had a lot of fun running after it and yelling , " Here , Edgar ! Nice Edgar ! " Then they 'd laugh like hell . They enjoyed the ambiguity . I enjoyed it myself . I don 't mind being kidded . They made a little house for it in the supply closet and all that . I don 't know what it died of . Distemper , I guess . It probably hadn 't had any shots . I got it out of there before the kids got to school . I checked the supply closet each morning , routinely , because I knew what was going to happen . I gave it to the custodian . And then there was this Korean orphan that the class adopted through the Help the Children program , all the kids brought in a quarter a month , that was the idea . It was an unfortunate thing , the kid s name was Kim and maybe we adopted him too late or something . The cause of death was not stated in the letter we got , they suggested we adopt another child instead and sent us some interesting case histories , but we didn 't have the heart . The class took it pretty hard , they began ( I think , nobody ever said anything to me directly ) to feel that maybe there was something wrong with the school . But I don 't think there 's anything wrong with the school , particularly , I 've seen better and I 've seen worse . It was just a run of bad luck . We had an extraordinary number of parents passing away , for instance . There were I think two heart attacks and two suicides , one drowning , and four killed together in a car accident . One stroke . And we had the usual heavy mortality rate among the grandparents , or maybe it was heavier this year , it seemed so . And finally the tragedy . The tragedy occurred when Matthew Wein and Tony Mavrogordo were playing over where they 're excavating for the new federal office building . There were all these big wooden beams stacked , you know , at the edge of the excavation . There 's a court case coming out of that , the parents are claiming that the beams were poorly stacked . I don 't know what 's true and what 's not . It 's been a strange year . One day we had a discussion in class . They asked me , where did they go ? The trees , the salamander , the tropical fish , Edgar , the poppas and mommas , Matthew and Tony , where did they go ? And I said , I don 't know , I don 't know . And they said , who knows ? and I said , nobody knows . And they said , is death that which gives meaning to life ? And I said , no , life is that which gives meaning to life . Then they said , but isn 't death , considered as a fundamental datum , the means by which the taken - for - granted mundanity of the everyday may be transcended in the direction of - - I said that they shouldn 't be frightened ( although I am often frightened ) and that there was value everywhere . Helen came and embraced me . I kissed her a few times on the brow . We held each other . The children were excited . Then there was a knock on the door , I opened the door , and the new gerbil walked in . The children cheered wildly . What I love about this story is that it 's first and formost a story . A ripping yarn that makes you laugh , wince , and need to know what happens next . Experience the hunting misadventures of Frank , Kenny , and Tub : Tub had been waiting for an hour in the falling snow . He paced the sidewalk to keep warm and stuck his head out over the curb whenever he saw lights approaching . One driver stopped for him but before Tub could wave the man on he saw the rifle on Tub 's back and hit the gas . The tires spun on the ice . The fall of snow thickened . Tub stood below the overhang of a building . Across the road the clouds whitened just above the rooftops , and the street lights went out . He shifted the rifle strap to his other shoulder . The whiteness seeped up the sky . A truck slid around the corner , horn blaring , rear end sashaying . Tub moved to the sidewalk and held up his hand . The truck jumped the curb and kept coming , half on the street and half on the sidewalk . It wasn 't slowing down at all . Tub stood for a moment , still holding up his hand , then jumped back . His rifle slipped off his shoulder and clattered on the ice , a sandwich fell out of his pocket . He ran for the steps of the building . Another sandwich and a package of cookies tumbled onto the new snow . He made the steps and looked back . A truck had stopped several feet beyond where Tub had been standing . He picked up his sandwiches and his cookies and slung the rifle and went up to the driver 's window . The driver was bent against the steering wheel , slapping his knees and drumming his feet on the floorboards . He looked like a cartoon of a person laughing , except that his eyes watched the man on the seat beside him . " You ought to see yourself , " the driver said . " He looks just like a beach ball with a hat on , doesn 't he ? Doesn 't he , Frank ? " " Come on , Tub , said the man beside the driver . " Be mellow . Kenny was just messing around . " He opened the door and slid over to the middle of the seat . Tub took the bolt out of his rifle and climbed in beside him . " I waited an hour , " he said . " If you meant ten o ' clock why didn 't you say ten o ' clock ? " " Tub , you haven 't done anything but complain since we got here , " said the man in the middle . " If you want to piss and moan all day you might as well go home and bitch at your kids . Take your pick . " When Tub didn 't say anything he turned to the driver . " Okay , Kenny , let 's hit the road . " Some juvenile delinquents had heaved a brick through the windshield on the driver 's side , so the cold and snow tunneled right into the cab . The heater didn 't work . They covered themselves with a couple of blankets Kenny had brought along and pulled down the muffs on their caps . Tub tried to keep his hands warm by rubbing them under the blanket but Frank made him stop . They left Spokane and drove deep into the country , running along black lines of fences . The snow let up , but still there was no edge to the land where it met the sky . Nothing moved in the chalky fields . The cold bleached their faces and made the stubble stand out on their cheeks and along their upper lips . They stopped twice for coffee before they got to the woods where Kenny wanted to hunt . Tub was for trying someplace different ; two years in a row they 'd been up and down this land and hadn 't seen a thing . Frank didn 't care one way or the other , he just wanted to get out of the goddamned truck . " Feel that , " Frank said , slamming the door . He spread his feet and closed his eyes and leaned his head way back and breathed deeply . " Tune in on that energy . " They started off across the field . Tub had trouble getting through the fences . Frank and Kenny could have helped him ; they could have lifted up on the top wire and stepped on the bottom wire , but they didn 't . They stood and watched him . There were a lot of fences and Tub was puffing when they reached the woods . They hunted for over two hours and saw no deer , no tracks , no sign . Finally they stopped by the creek to eat . Kenny had several slices of pizza and a couple of candy bars : Frank had a sandwich , an apple , two carrots , and a square of chocolate ; Tub ate one hard - boiled egg and a stick of celery . " You ask me how I want to die today , " Kenny said . " I 'll tell you burn me at the stake . " He turned to Tub . " You still on that diet ? " He winked at Frank . Frank had his fingers fanned out , tips against the bark of the stump where he 'd laid his food . His knuckles were hairy . He wore a heavy wedding band and on his right pinky another gold ring with a flat face and an " F " in what looked like diamonds . He turned the ring this way and that . " Tub , " he said , " you haven 't seen your own balls in ten years . " " What am I supped to do ? " Tub said . " It 's my glands . " They left the woods and hunted along the creek . Frank and Kenny worked one bank and Tub worked the other , moving upstream . The snow was light but the drifts were deep and hard to move through . Wherever Tub looked the surface was smooth , undisturbed , and after a time he lost interest . He stopped looking for tracks and just tried to keep up with Frank and Kenny on the other side . A moment came when he realized he hadn 't seen them in a long time . The breeze was moving from him to them ; when it stilled he could sometimes hear Kenny laughing but that was all . He quickened his pace , breasting hard into the drifts , fighting away the snow with his knees and elbows . He heard his heart and felt the flush on his face but he never once stopped . Tub caught up with Frank and Kenny at a bend of the creek . They were standing on a log that stretched from their bank to his . Ice had backed up behind the log . Frozen reeds stuck out , barely nodding when the air moved . There wasn 't much daylight left and they decided to head back toward the road . Frank and Kenny crossed the log and they started downstream , using the trail Tub had broken . Before they had gone very far Kenny stopped . " Look at that , " he said , and pointed to some tracks going form the creek back into the woods . Tub 's footprints crossed right over them . There on the bank , plain as day , were several mounds of deer sign . " What do you think that is , Tub ? " Kenny kicked at it . " Walnuts on vanilla icing ? " They followed the tracks into the woods . The deer had gone over a fence half buried in drifting snow . A no hunting sign was nailed to the top of one of the posts . Frank laughed and said the son of a bitch could read . Kenny wanted to go after him but Frank said no way , the people out here didn 't mess around . He thought maybe the farmer who owned the land would let them use it if they asked . Kenny wasn 't so sure . Anyway , he figured that by the time they walked to the truck and drove up the road and doubled back it would be almost dark . " Relax , " Frank said . " You can 't hurry nature . If we 're meant to get that deer , we 'll get it . If we 're not , we won 't . " They started back toward the truck . This part of the woods was mainly pine . The snow was shaded and had a glaze on it . It held up Kenny and Frank but Tub kept falling through . As he kicked forward , the edge of the crust bruised his shins . Kenny and Frank pulled ahead of him , to where he couldn 't even hear their voices any more . He sat down on a stump and wiped his face . He ate both the sandwiches and half the cookies , taking his own sweet time . It was dead quiet . When Tub crossed the last fence into the toad the truck started moving . Tub had to run for it and just managed to grab hold of the tailgate and hoist himself into the bed . He lay there , panting . Kenny looked out the rear window and grinned . Tub crawled into the lee of the cab to get out of the freezing wind . He pulled his earflaps low and pushed his chin into the collar of his coat . Someone rapped on the window but Tub would not turn around . He and Frank waited outside while Kenny went into the farmhouse to ask permission . The house was old and paint was curling off the sides . The smoke streamed westward off the top of the chimney , fanning away into a thin gray plume . Above the ridge of the hills another ridge of blue clouds was rising . " You 're a grown - up , Tub . You can take care of yourself . Anyway , if you think you 're the only person with problems I can tell you that you 're not . " Kenny came out of the farmhouse and gave the thumbs - up and they began walking back toward the woods . As they passed the barn a large black hound with a grizzled snout ran out and barked at them . Every time he barked he slid backwards a bit , like a cannon recoiling . Kenny got down on all fours and snarled and barked back at him , and the dog slunk away into the barn , looking over his shoulder and peeing a little as he went . Past the barn they cut off through the field . s The land was unfenced and the crust was freezing up thick and they made good time . They kept to the edge of the field until they picked up the tracks again and followed them into the woods , farther and farther back toward the hills . The trees started to blur wiht the shadows and the wind rose and needled their faces with the crystals it swept off the glaze . Finally they lost the tracks . Kenny swore and threw down his hat . " This is the worst day of hunting I ever had , bar none . " He picked up his hat and brushed off the snow . " This will be the first season since I was fifteen I haven 't got my deer . " " It isn 't the deer , " Frank said . " It 's the hunting . There are all these forces out here and you just have to go with them . " " You go with them , " Kenny said . " I came out here to get me a deer , no listen to a bunch of hippie bullshit . And if it hadn 't been for dimples here I would have , too . " Kenny and Tub followed him back across the fields . When they were coming up to the barn Kenny stopped and pointed . " I hate that post , " he said . He raised his rifle and fired . It sounded like a dry branch cracking . The post splintered along its right side , up toward the top . " There , " Kenny said . " It 's dead . " Kenny looked at Tub . He smiled . " I hate that tree , " he said , and fired again . Tub hurried to catch up with Frank . He started to speak but just then the dog ran out of the barn and barked at them . " Easy , boy , " Frank said . Kenny fired . The bullet went in between the dog 's eyes . He sank right down into the snow , his legs splayed out on each side , his yellow eyes open and staring . Except for the blood he looked like a small bearskin rug . The blood ran down the dog 's muzzle into the snow . Tub shot from the waist . Kenny jerked backward against the fence and buckled to his knees . He folded his hands across his stomach . " Look , " he said . His hands were covered with blood . In the dusk his blood was more blue than red . It seemed to below to the shadows . It didn 't seem out of place . Kenny eased himself onto his back . He sighed several times , deeply . " You shot me , " he said . " I was just kidding around , " Kenny said . " It was a joke . Oh ! " he said , and arched his back suddenly . " Oh ! " he said again , and dug his heels into the snow and pushed himself along on his head for several feet . Then he stopped and lay there , rocking back and forth on his heels and head like a wrestler doing warm - up exercises . Frank roused himself . " Kenny , " he said . He bent down and put his gloved hand on Kenny 's brow . " You shot him , " he said to Tub . Tub was weeping from the eyes and nostrils . His whole face was wet . Frank closed his eyes , then looked down at Kenny again . " Where does it hurt ? " " You 're lucky , " Frank said . " It 's on the left side . It missed your appendix . If it had hit your appendix you 'd really be in the soup . " He turned and threw up onto the snow , holding his sides as if to keep warm . Tub picked up Kenny 's rifle as they walked down toward the farmhouse . " No sense leaving this around , " He said . " Kenny might get ideas . " They had to knock on the door twice before it was opened by a thin man with lank hair . The room behind him was filled with smoke . He squinted at them . " You get anything ? " he asked . The man in the door looked behind him , then stepped back . Frank and Tub followed him into the house . There was a woman sitting by the stove in the middle of the room . The stove was smoking badly . She looked up and then down again at the child asleep in her lap . Her face was white and damp ; strands of hair were pasted across her forehead . Tub warmed his hands over the stove while Frank went into the kitchen to call . The man who had let them in stood at the window , his hands in his pockets . The man nodded without turning around . " I should have done it myself . I just couldn 't . " " He loved that dog so much , " the woman said . The child squirmed and she rocked it . " He was old and sick . Couldn 't chew his food any more . I would have done it myself but I don 't have a gun . " Frank came out of the kitchen . " We 'll have to take him ourselves . The nearest hospital is fifty miles from here and all their ambulances are out anyway . " The woman knew a shortcut but the directions were complicated and Tub had to write them down . The man told them where they could find some boards to carry Kenny on . He didn 't have a flashlight but he said he would leave the porch light on . It was dark outside . The clouds were low and heavy - looking and the wind blew in shrill gusts . There was a screen loose on the house and it banged slowly and then quickly as the wind rose again . They could hear it all the way to the barn . Frank went for the boards while Tub looked for Kenny , who was not where they had left him . Tub found him farther up the drive , lying on stomach . " You okay ? " Tub said . " All right , " Frank said , coming up to them . " We 'll have you in a nice warm bed before you can say Jack Robinson . " He put the two boards on Kenny 's right side . " Ha ha , " Frank said . " That 's the spirit . Get ready , set , _ over you go _ " and he rolled Kenny onto the boards . Kenny screamed and kicked his legs in the air . When he quieted down Frank and Tub lifted the boards and carried him down the drive . Tub had the back end , and with the snow blowing in his face he had trouble with his footing . Also he was tired and the man inside had forgotten to turn the porch light on . Just past the house Tub slipped and threw out his hands to catch himself . The boards fell and Kenny tumbled out and rolled to the bottom of the drive , yelling all the way . He came to rest against the right front wheel of the truck . " " What do you know about fat , " Tub said . " What do you know about glands . " As he spoke he kept shaking Frank . " What do you know about me . " Tub stood by the fence for a while and then got the rifles off the porch . Frank had rolled Kenny back onto the boards and they lifted him into the bed of the truck . Frank spread the seat blankets over him . " Warm enough ? " he asked . The truck started right away . " One thing , " Frank said , " you 've got to hand it to the Japanese . A very ancient , very spiritual culture and they can still make a hell of a truck . " He glanced over at Tub . " Look , I 'm sorry . I didn 't know you felt that way , honest to God I didn 't . You should have said something . " " Tub , " Frank said . " what happened back there , I should have been more sympathetic . I realize that . You were going through a lot . I just want you to know it wasn 't your fault . He was asking for it . " The wind was blowing into their faces . The snow was a moving white wall in front of their lights ; it swirled into the cab through the hole in the windshield and settled on them . Tub clapped his hands and shifted around to stay warm , but it didn 't work . Up ahead they saw some lights off the road . It was a tavern . Outside in the parking lot there were several jeeps and trucks . A couple of them had deer strapped across their hoods . Frank parked and they went back to Kenny . " How you doing , partner , " Frank said . " Well , don 't feel like the Lone Ranger . It 's worse inside , take my word for it . You should get that windshield fixed . " " Now look , Kenny , " Frank said , " it 's no use whining about being cold if you 're not going to try and keep warm . You 've got to do your share . " He spread the blankets over Kenny and tucked them in at the corners . " Because if me and Tub don 't get warmed up we 're going to freeze solid and then where will you be ? " He punched Kenny lightly in the arm . " So just hold your horses . " The bar was full of men in colored jackets , mostly orange . The waitress brought coffee . " Just what the doctor ordered , " Frank said , cradling the steaming cup in his hand . His skin was bone white . " Tub , I 've been thinking . What you said about me not paying attention , that 's true . " " No . I really had that coming . I guess I 've just been a little too interested in old number one . I 've had a lot on my mind . Not that that 's any excuse . " " You haven 't then . Nothing against you , but you 'd know it if you had . " Frank let go of Tub 's arm . " This isn 't just some bit of fluff I 'm talking about . " " You can 't just put people into categories like that , Tub . That 's why the whole system is wrong . And that 's why this country is going to hell in a rowboat . " " Fifteen . She 'll be sixteen in May . " Frank smiled . " May fourth , three twenty - seven p . m . Hell , Tub , a hundred years ago she 'd have been an old maid by that age . Juliet was only thirteen . " " Juliet ? Juliet Miller ? Jesus , Frank , she doesn 't even have breasts . She doesn 't even wear a top to her bathing suit . She 's still collecting frogs . " " Not Juliet Miller . The real Juliet . Tub , don 't you see how you 're dividing people up into categories ? He 's an executive , she 's a secretary , he 's a truck driver , she 's fifteen years old . Tub , this so - called babysitter , this so - called fifteen - year - old has more in her little finger than most of us have in our entire bodies . I can tell you this little lady is something special . " " Not yet . It 's not so easy . She 's been damned good to me all these years . Then there 's the kids to consider . " The brightness in Frank 's eyes trembled and he wiped quickly at them with the back of his hand . " I guess you think I 'm a complete bastard . " Frank smiled . " You don 't know how good it feels to hear you say that . " Kenny had tried to get out of the truck but he hadn 't made it . He was jackknifed over the tailgate , his head hanging above the bumper . They lifted him back into the bed , and covered him again . He was sweating and his teeth chattered . " It hurts , Frank . " " It wouldn 't hurt so much if you just stayed put . Now we 're going to the hospital . Go that ? Say it - - I 'm going to the hospital . " Frank opened and closed his fingers in front of the nozzle . " The way I look at it , Tub , no man is an island . You 've got to trust someone . " " Day and night , Frank . In the shower . On the freeway . " He turned and let the air play over his back . " I 've even got stuff in the paper towel machine at work . " " There 's nothing wrong with your glands at all ? " Frank had taken his boots and socks off . He held first his right , then his left foot up to the nozzle . " Nobody knows . That 's the worst of it , Frank . Not the being fat , I never got any big kick out of being thin , but the lying . Having to lead a double life like a spy or a hit man . This sounds strange but I feel sorry for those guys , I really do . I know what they go through . Always having to think about what you say and do . Always feeling like people are watching you , trying to catch you at something . Never able to just be yourself . Like when I make a big deal about only having an orange for breakfast and then scarf all the way to work . Oreos , Mars Bars , Twinkies . Sugar Babies . Snickers . " Tub glanced at Frank and looked quickly away . " Pretty disgusting , isn 't it ? " " Tub . Tub . " Frank shook his head . " Come on . " He took Tub 's arm and led him into the restaurant half o the bar . " My friend is hungry , " he told the waitress . " Bring four orders of pancakes , plenty of butter and syrup . " When the dishes came Frank carved out slabs of butter and just laid them on the pancakes . Then he emptied the bottle of syrup , moving it back and forth over the plates . He leaned forward on his elbows and rested his chin in one hand . " Go on , Tub . " Tub ate several mouthfuls , then started to wipe his lips . Frank took the napkin away from him . " No wiping , " he said . Tub kept at it . The syrup covered his chin ; it dripped to a point like a goatee . " Weigh in , Tub , " Frank said , pushing another fork across the table . " Get down to business . " Tub took the fork in his left hand and lowered his head and started really chowing down . " Clean you plate , " Frank said when the pancakes were gone , and Tub lifted each of the four plates and licked it clean . He sat back , trying to catch his breath . The blankets helped . The wind still got their faces and frank 's hands but it was much better . The fresh snow on the road and the trees sparkled under the beam of the headlight . Squares of light from farmhouse windows fell onto the blue snow in the fields . " You 're kidding ! " Frank leaded forward considering . " That Kenny . What a card . " He laughed and so did Tub . Tub smiled out the back window . Kenny lay with his arms folded over his stomach , moving his lips at the stars . Right overhead was the Big Dipper , and behind , hanging between Kenny 's toes in the direction of the hospital , was the North Star , Pole Star , Help to Sailors . As the truck twisted through the gentle hills the star went back and forth between Kenny 's boots , staying always in his sight . " I 'm going to the hospital , " Kenny said . But he was wrong . They had taken a different turn a long way back . No finer author to start with then Chekhov , and no finer story than " Goosberries . " Ivan Ivanovitch lights a pipe and begins telling his traveling companion a story about his brother , but it starts to rain . As they search for shelter , we get images of rain , wet horses , a shaking dam , a beautiful woman . Am I the only boy to have fallen in love with a beautiful girl in an apple orchard ? With this backdrop , Ivan tells the story about his brother , a bureaucrat who scrounged and saved money - - and did an awful thing - - so that he could return to the country life of his youth . And be happy . Read the story : The whole sky had been overcast with rain - clouds from early morning ; it was a still day , not hot , but heavy , as it is in grey dull weather when the clouds have been hanging over the country for a long while , when one expects rain and it does not come . Ivan Ivanovitch , the veterinary surgeon , and Burkin , the high - school teacher , were already tired from walking , and the fields seemed to them endless . Far ahead of them they could just see the windmills of the village of Mironositskoe ; on the right stretched a row of hillocks which disappeared in the distance behind the village , and they both knew that this was the bank of the river , that there were meadows , green willows , homesteads there , and that if one stood on one of the hillocks one could see from it the same vast plain , telegraph - wires , and a train which in the distance looked like a crawling caterpillar , and that in clear weather one could even see the town . Now , in still weather , when all nature seemed mild and dreamy , Ivan Ivanovitch and Burkin were filled with love of that countryside , and both thought how great , how beautiful a land it was . Ivan Ivanovitch heaved a deep sigh and lighted a pipe to begin to tell his story , but just at that moment the rain began . And five minutes later heavy rain came down , covering the sky , and it was hard to tell when it would be over . Ivan Ivanovitch and Burkin stopped in hesitation ; the dogs , already drenched , stood with their tails between their legs gazing at them feelingly . The watermill was at work , drowning the sound of the rain ; the dam was shaking . Here wet horses with drooping heads were standing near their carts , and men were walking about covered with sacks . It was damp , muddy , and desolate ; the water looked cold and malignant . Ivan Ivanovitch and Burkin were already conscious of a feeling of wetness , messiness , and discomfort all over ; their feet were heavy with mud , and when , crossing the dam , they went up to the barns , they were silent , as though they were angry with one another . In one of the barns there was the sound of a winnowing machine , the door was open , and clouds of dust were coming from it . In the doorway was standing Alehin himself , a man of forty , tall and stout , with long hair , more like a professor or an artist than a landowner . He had on a white shirt that badly needed washing , a rope for a belt , drawers instead of trousers , and his boots , too , were plastered up with mud and straw . His eyes and nose were black with dust . He recognized Ivan Ivanovitch and Burkin , and was apparently much delighted to see them . It was a big two - storeyed house . Alehin lived in the lower storey , with arched ceilings and little windows , where the bailiffs had once lived ; here everything was plain , and there was a smell of rye bread , cheap vodka , and harness . He went upstairs into the best rooms only on rare occasions , when visitors came . Ivan Ivanovitch and Burkin were met in the house by a maid - servant , a young woman so beautiful that they both stood still and looked at one another . " You can 't imagine how delighted I am to see you , my friends , " said Alehin , going into the hall with them . " It is a surprise ! Pelagea , " he said , addressing the girl , " give our visitors something to change into . And , by the way , I will change too . Only I must first go and wash , for I almost think I have not washed since spring . Wouldn 't you like to come into the bath - house ? and meanwhile they will get things ready here . " " Oh , my goodness ! " he repeated continually , enjoying himself thoroughly . " Oh , my goodness ! " He swam to the mill , talked to the peasants there , then returned and lay on his back in the middle of the pond , turning his face to the rain . Burkin and Alehin were dressed and ready to go , but he still went on swimming and diving . " Oh , my goodness ! . . . " he said . " Oh , Lord , have mercy on me ! . . . " " There are two of us brothers , " he began - - " I , Ivan Ivanovitch , and my brother , Nikolay Ivanovitch , two years younger . I went in for a learned profession and became a veterinary surgeon , while Nikolay sat in a government office from the time he was nineteen . Our father , Tchimsha - Himalaisky , was a kantonist , but he rose to be an officer and left us a little estate and the rank of nobility . After his death the little estate went in debts and legal expenses ; but , anyway , we had spent our childhood running wild in the country . Like peasant children , we passed our days and nights in the fields and the woods , looked after horses , stripped the bark off the trees , fished , and so on . . . . And , you know , whoever has once in his life caught perch or has seen the migrating of the thrushes in autumn , watched how they float in flocks over the village on bright , cool days , he will never be a real townsman , and will have a yearning for freedom to the day of his death . My brother was miserable in the government office . Years passed by , and he went on sitting in the same place , went on writing the same papers and thinking of one and the same thing - - how to get into the country . And this yearning by degrees passed into a definite desire , into a dream of buying himself a little farm somewhere on the banks of a river or a lake . " He was a gentle , good - natured fellow , and I was fond of him , but I never sympathized with this desire to shut himself up for the rest of his life in a little farm of his own . It 's the correct thing to say that a man needs no more than six feet of earth . But six feet is what a corpse needs , not a man . And they say , too , now , that if our intellectual classes are attracted to the land and yearn for a farm , it 's a good thing . But these farms are just the same as six feet of earth . To retreat from town , from the struggle , from the bustle of life , to retreat and bury oneself in one 's farm - - it 's not life , it 's egoism , laziness , it 's monasticism of a sort , but monasticism without good works . A man does not need six feet of earth or a farm , but the whole globe , all nature , where he can have room to display all the qualities and peculiarities of his free spirit . " My brother Nikolay , sitting in his government office , dreamed of how he would eat his own cabbages , which would fill the whole yard with such a savoury smell , take his meals on the green grass , sleep in the sun , sit for whole hours on the seat by the gate gazing at the fields and the forest . Gardening books and the agricultural hints in calendars were his delight , his favourite spiritual sustenance ; he enjoyed reading newspapers , too , but the only things he read in them were the advertisements of so many acres of arable land and a grass meadow with farm - houses and buildings , a river , a garden , a mill and millponds , for sale . And his imagination pictured the garden - paths , flowers and fruit , starling cotes , the carp in the pond , and all that sort of thing , you know . These imaginary pictures were of different kinds according to the advertisements which he came across , but for some reason in every one of them he had always to have gooseberries . He could not imagine a homestead , he could not picture an idyllic nook , without gooseberries . " He used to draw a map of his property , and in every map there were the same things - - ( a ) house for the family , ( b ) servants ' quarters , ( c ) kitchen - ga rden , ( d ) gooseberry - bushes . He lived parsimoniously , was frugal in food and drink , his clothes were beyond description ; he looked like a beggar , but kept on saving and putting money in the bank . He grew fearfully avaricious . I did not like to look at him , and I used to give him something and send him presents for Christmas and Easter , but he used to save that too . Once a man is absorbed by an idea there is no doing anything with him . " Years passed : he was transferred to another province . He was over forty , and he was still reading the advertisements in the papers and saving up . Then I heard he was married . Still with the same object of buying a farm and having gooseberries , he married an elderly and ugly widow without a trace of feeling for her , simply because she had filthy lucre . He went on living frugally after marrying her , and kept her short of food , while he put her money in the bank in his name . " Her first husband had been a postmaster , and with him she was accustomed to pies and home - made wines , while with her second husband she did not get enough black bread ; she began to pine away with this sort of life , and three years later she gave up her soul to God . And I need hardly say that my brother never for one moment imagined that he was responsible for her death . Money , like vodka , makes a man queer . In our town there was a merchant who , before he died , ordered a plateful of honey and ate up all his money and lottery tickets with the honey , so that no one might get the benefit of it . While I was inspecting cattle at a railway - station , a cattle - dealer fell under an engine and had his leg cut off . We carried him into the waiting - room , the blood was flowing - - it was a horrible thing - - and he kept asking them to look for his leg and was very much worried about it ; there were twenty roubles in the boot on the leg that had been cut off , and he was afraid they would be lost . " " After his wife 's death , " Ivan Ivanovitch went on , after thinking for half a minute , " my brother began looking out for an estate for himself . Of course , you may look about for five years and yet end by making a mistake , and buying something quite different from what you have dreamed of . My brother Nikolay bought through an agent a mortgaged estate of three hundred and thirty acres , with a house for the family , with servants ' quarters , with a park , but with no orchard , no gooseberry - bushes , and no duck - pond ; there was a river , but the water in it was the colour of coffee , because on one side of the estate there was a brickyard and on the other a factory for burning bones . But Nikolay Ivanovitch did not grieve much ; he ordered twenty gooseberry - bushes , planted them , and began living as a country gentleman . " Last year I went to pay him a visit . I thought I would go and see what it was like . In his letters my brother called his estate ' Tchumbaroklov Waste , alias Himalaiskoe . ' I reached ' alias Himalaiskoe ' in the afternoon . It was hot . Everywhere there were ditches , fences , hedges , fir - trees planted in rows , and there was no knowing how to get to the yard , where to put one 's horse . I went up to the house , and was met by a fat red dog that looked like a pig . It wanted to bark , but it was too lazy . The cook , a fat , barefooted woman , came out of the kitchen , and she , too , looked like a pig , and said that her master was resting after dinner . I went in to see my brother . He was sitting up in bed with a quilt over his legs ; he had grown older , fatter , wrinkled ; his cheeks , his nose , and his mouth all stuck out - - he looked as though he might begin grunting into the quilt at any moment . " He was no more a poor timid clerk , but a real landowner , a gentleman . He was already accustomed to it , had grown used to it , and liked it . He ate a great deal , went to the bath - house , was growing stout , was already at law with the village commune and both factories , and was very much offended when the peasants did not call him ' Your Honour . ' And he concerned himself with the salvation of his soul in a substantial , gentlemanly manner , and performed deeds of charity , not simply , but with an air of consequence . And what deeds of charity ! He treated the peasants for every sort of disease with soda and castor oil , and on his name - day had a thanksgiving service in the middle of the village , and then treated the peasants to a gallon of vodka - - he thought that was the thing to do . Oh , those horrible gallons of vodka ! One day the fat landowner hauls the peasants up before the district captain for trespass , and next day , in honour of a holiday , treats them to a gallon of vodka , and they drink and shout ' Hurrah ! ' and when they are drunk bow down to his feet . A change of life for the better , and being well - fed and idle develop in a Russian the most insolent self - conceit . Nikolay Ivanovitch , who at one time in the government office was afraid to have any views of his own , now could say nothing that was not gospel truth , and uttered such truths in the tone of a prime minister . ' Education is essential , but for the peasants it is premature . ' ' Corporal punishment is harmful as a rule , but in some cases it is necessary and there is nothing to take its place . ' " ' I know the peasants and understand how to treat them , ' he would say . ' The peasants like me . I need only to hold up my little finger and the peasants will do anything I like . ' " And all this , observe , was uttered with a wise , benevolent smile . He repeated twenty times over ' We noblemen , ' ' I as a noble ' ; obviously he did not remember that our grandfather was a peasant , and our father a soldier . Even our surname Tchimsha - Himalaisky , in reality so incongruous , seemed to him now melodious , distinguished , and very agreeable . " But the point just now is not he , but myself . I want to tell you about the change that took place in me during the brief hours I spent at his country place . In the evening , when we were drinking tea , the cook put on the table a plateful of gooseberries . They were not bought , but his own gooseberries , gathered for the first time since the bushes were planted . Nikolay Ivanovitch laughed and looked for a minute in silence at the gooseberries , with tears in his eyes ; he could not speak for excitement . Then he put one gooseberry in his mouth , looked at me with the triumph of a child who has at last received his favourite toy , and said : " I saw a happy man whose cherished dream was so obviously fulfilled , who had attained his object in life , who had gained what he wanted , who was satisfied with his fate and himself . There is always , for some reason , an element of sadness mingled with my thoughts of human happiness , and , on this occasion , at the sight of a happy man I was overcome by an oppressive feeling that was close upon despair . It was particularly oppressive at night . A bed was made up for me in the room next to my brother 's bedroom , and I could hear that he was awake , and that he kept getting up and going to the plate of gooseberries and taking one . I reflected how many satisfied , happy people there really are ! ' What a suffocating force it is ! You look at life : the insolence and idleness of the strong , the ignorance and brutishness of the weak , incredible poverty all about us , overcrowding , degeneration , drunkenness , hypocrisy , lying . . . . Yet all is calm and stillness in the houses and in the streets ; of the fifty thousand living in a town , there is not one who would cry out , who would give vent to his indignation aloud . We see the people going to market for provisions , eating by day , sleeping by night , talking their silly nonse nse , getting married , growing old , serenely escorting their dead to the cemetery ; but we do not see and we do not hear those who suffer , and what is terrible in life goes on somewhere behind the scenes . . . . Everything is quiet and peaceful , and nothing protests but mute statistics : so many people gone out of their minds , so many gallons of vodka drunk , so many children dead from malnutrition . . . . And this order of things is evidently necessary ; evidently the happy man only feels at ease because the unhappy bear their burdens in silence , and without that silence happiness would be impossible . It 's a case of general hypnotism . There ought to be behind the door of every happy , contented man some one standing with a hammer continually reminding him with a tap that there are unhappy people ; that however happy he ma " That night I realized that I , too , was happy and contented , " Ivan Ivanovitch went on , getting up . " I , too , at dinner and at the hunt liked to lay down the law on life and religion , and the way to manage the peasantry . I , too , used to say that science was light , that culture was essential , but for the simple people reading and writing was enough for the time . Freedom is a blessing , I used to say ; we can no more do without it than without air , but we must wait a little . Yes , I used to talk like that , and now I ask , ' For what reason are we to wait ? ' " asked Ivan Ivanovitch , looking angrily at Burkin . " Why wait , I ask you ? What grounds have we for waiting ? I shall be told , it can 't be done all at once ; every idea takes shape in life gradually , in its due time . But who is it says that ? Where is the proof that it 's right ? You will fall back upon the natural order of things , the uniformity of phenomena ; but is there order and uniformity in the fact that I , a living , thinking man , stand over a chasm and wait for it to close of itself , or to fill up with mud at the very time when perhaps I might leap over it or build a bridge across it ? And again , wait for the sake of what ? Wait till there 's no strength to live ? And meanwhile one must live , and one wants to live ! " I went away from my brother 's early in the morning , and ever since then it has been unbearable for me to be in town . I am oppressed by its peace and quiet ; I am afraid to look at the windows , for there is no spectacle more painful to me now than the sight of a happy family sitting round the table drinking tea . I am old and am not fit for the struggle ; I am not even capable of hatred ; I can only grieve inwardly , feel irritated and vexed ; but at night my head is hot from the rush of ideas , and I cannot sleep . . . . Ah , if I were young ! " " Pavel Konstantinovitch , " he said in an imploring voice , " don 't be calm and contented , don 't let yourself be put to sleep ! While you are young , strong , confident , be not weary in well - doing ! There is no happiness , and there ought not to be ; but if there is a meaning and an object in life , that meaning and object is not our happiness , but something greater and more rational . Do good ! " Then all three sat in arm - chairs at different ends of the drawing - room and were silent . Ivan Ivanovitch 's story had not satisfied either Burkin or Alehin . When the generals and ladies gazed down from their gilt frames , looking in the dusk as though they were alive , it was dreary to listen to the story of the poor clerk who ate gooseberries . They felt inclined , for some reason , to talk about elegant people , about women . And their sitting in the drawing - room where everything - - the chandeliers in their covers , the arm - chairs , and the carpet under their feet - - reminded them that those very people who were now looking down from their frames had once moved about , sat , drunk tea in this room , and the fact that lovely Pelagea was moving noiselessly about was better than any story . Alehin was fearfully sleepy ; he had got up early , before three o ' clock in the morning , to look after his work , and now his eyes were closing ; but he was afraid his visitors might tell some interesting story after he had gone , and he lingered on . He did not go into the question whether what Ivan Ivanovitch had just said was right and true . His visitors did not talk of groats , nor of hay , nor of tar , but of something that had no direct bearing on his life , and he was glad and wanted them to go on . Alehin said good - night and went downstairs to his own domain , while the visitors remained upstairs . They were both taken for the night to a big room where there stood two old wooden beds decorated with carvings , and in the corner was an ivory crucifix . The big cool beds , which had been made by the lovely Pelagea , smelt agreeably of clean linen .
|
As I slowly became aware of sounds around me , I realized I was lying in a bed , not sitting in a corner in the drunk tank . What was going on ? What was I doing here in this place ? Where was I anyway ? The sounds reaching my ears seemed to be muted , as if they were plugged with cotton . ' What gives ? ' I thought . ' Where am I ? ' Slowly trying to sit up , I was aware of pain in my head and as I moved my feet , I realized they had something on them . Were they bandaged ? I could feel the pain in them as I moved them in the bed . " There , there , Mr . O ' Hanlon . Don 't move about so much . You 've suffered a concussion . You should lie still for a while longer . " " About twenty - four hours , sir . They brought you here from the jail , unconscious and unresponsive . They found your identification in your empty billfold . When they realized your condition yesterday morning they immediately got help for you . A good thing they did , too . You were in a bad way . Now , you just lie back and rest . It won 't be long until you can have some breakfast . " Before long , a doctor came to check on my progress . I inquired of him about how long I would be staying . " Oh , probably another twenty - four hours for observation . I also will write orders for the nurse to check your feet for infection . Apparently , that was quite dirty glass you must have stepped on . Nasty stuff , infections . I 'll look in on you later , to check your progress . " " Thank you , Doctor . " I lay back and thought about my predicament , yet , I knew I was blessed . I could be dead now , I realized to myself . I thanked God that He had taken such good care of me . Chuckling to myself , I remembered how my Da had called me hard - headed . Right at that moment , I was right glad for how right he was , although he had meant stubborn . I remembered then that I no longer had a coat or shoes . Winter was still upon us , and I was now in a tighter situation than before . With my coat , my map disappeared . But the map situation could be remedied . Wait a minute ! I just happened to think that perhaps Anne and Jackson had other siblings , and perhaps he might have gone to another sibling for assistance when Anne turned him out . My plan had certainly taken on a down - turn . Here I was , conjecturing with no real facts to go on . I had to go back as soon as I could to Miss Olivia for more information . I lay there wondering how I was going to get there , and how it was all going to come together . I drifted off to sleep . I awakened to see the shadow of someone in my room . " Are you a doctor , " I asked . " No , just a friend . " " A friend ? But I there 's no one who would know I 'm here . How did I get here , anyway ? " " Didn 't anyone tell you , you were brought in from the jail ? " The nurse brought in some medication and gave it to me , along with some juice and jello . Soon afterwards , I went back to sleep , still not knowing who had been sitting in the chair . I awakened to the aroma of coffee and saw the same chair occupied . This time , the blinds were more open , and I recognized that someone who looked very familiar , but there was something odd about his appearance . " I saw you in the drunk tank and recognized your curly red hair in an instant . When I investigated , I realized you were there by mistake . I was afraid at first that you might have taken up your father 's habits , but was pleased to see that you had not . I called the ambulance and had you transported to the hospital . " " Why were you at the police station , Sergeant ? " " Listen , Zeb . Why don 't you just call me by my given name of Jackson , like an equal ? Okay ? " I agreed that would be okay . " I work there ; I 'm an undercover detective , working among the homeless . I 've brought you a heavy coat and a pair of shoes , so that when you can leave here , you won 't freeze to death . What are you doing here in Bankton , anyway ? I must say it was really a surprise to see you in jajl . " " I came here to find you . I just returned a few months ago from four years in Vietnam , and felt restless . I 've thought of you often , and felt you might be in need of a friend , especially after I heard you had been shot and retired from the police force up in Pennsylvania . Then when I heard you had lost your wife and your home , and been burned in the process , I followed a trail to find you . But , you found me first . Will you tell me about the fire ? " He hung his head and I could see how it hurt him to even think about it , but he went ahead and told me . " I was sleeping beside my wife , Shirley , when I heard a noise . It must have been around midnight . All at once , I felt heat all around me and realized the bed was on fire . Smoke was filling the house and it was hard to see through it . Apparently fire was burning in other parts of the house as well . I flipped over and picked up Shirley , ran out of the house and saw that the house was enveloped in flames . I placed her on the ground and saw she was covered in blood . In the light of the fire , I realized her throat had been cut . She had been murdered as she lay beside me and I never knew when it happened . " By this time , he was sobbing uncontrollably . I felt awful , having asked him about it , but he soon was wiping his eyes and in control again . " I 'm sorry , my friend , for bringing the sorrow back into your mind , " I said . We spent the next few hours talking and I told him all about my time in service and how I thought I would like to become a policeman . " We are looking for some new recruits , but you would have to take some tests and meet the requirements . You did complete hjgh school , didn 't you ? What have you been doing since then ? " " Hopefully , you 'll be able to leave here tomorrow . You can stay at my place for the time being . It 's small , but will be okay . I 'll be back this evening and bring you a sandwich and a police manual . I know the food in here is not always what we would choose for ourselves . " He said this because my lunch had been some kind of nondescript meat and overcooked vegetables , and I sent about half of it back . " Thanks , Jackson . " I lay back down and soon was asleep again . Once again , I was awakened by the scent of food , but it was the odor of french fries that caught my nostrils and brought me from my slumber . True to his word , Jackson had returned with food and a police manual . This time , however , he looked like a homeless person , so that I almost didn 't recognize him . He soon left on his way to spend the night in the streets of Bankton . I read through the manual as carefully as I could , trying to remember what I considered the most important portions of it , and at least absorb the rules it presented . I believed I could do well on a test over its major facts . That night , I had dreams that made me restless , and was back in Vietnam . I awakened screaming , and the nurse came in and awakened me . She gave me a sedative and I went back to sleep and the rest of my night was quiet and dreamless . The next day , he came early and after I had my breakfast , I got dressed and we left . I was eager to get to the police station and fill out an application . As we were ascending the steps to the police station , we met the two men who had brought me to the station earlier in the week . They were on their way down . They stopped me and one of them said , " Say , buddy , we 're sorry for what happened with you . Just doing our job , you know . Hope there 's no hard feelings . " He held out his hand to shake mine . The inside of the station house was a beehive of activity , with officers getting coffee , filling out reports , answering phones , and just generally greeting each other as the day for the day shift began . Others were leaving to go home to rest after a night 's work . Jackson took me to a door that had the words , " Captain Robert Shannon " etched upon it . Hearing the knocking on his door , he grunted , " Yeah . " We went in , and I was introduced to the Captain . Leaning back in his desk chair , he looked me over with a sharp evaluating look . " Captain , I 'd like to formally introduce Zebulon O ' Hanlon . He is a fine young man who just recently returned from four years of active duty in Vietnam , and came out as an experienced marksman . " " I hear you think you 'd like to become a policeman . You think you 've got the stuff to make it ? " " Yes , sir . " Just then the door opened and a young woman came in holding a baby . " Oh , I 'm sorry , Robert . I needed to speak with you . I didn 't know you were busy . " " Glad to meet you , ma ' am . Thank you , sir . " We left and went into the outer room where people were busy answering phones and doing paper work . Jackson got me set up with a desk and brought a bunch of papers for me to fill out , some of them tests that I had to take . I sat down and began working . The coffee from the breakroom tasted terrible , but actually not much worse than I had had while serving in the army , so I drank it and worked . A Chuckling , he replied , " Oh , yeah , here you go . " He wrote down an address for me and I copied it to my application . " We 'll head over that way before long . First , we need to get these papers turned in . Then we need to see about some food . You must be getting hungry ; I know I am . There 's a little hole - in - the - wall near where I live . It will be a few days before you will be notified of your passing or failing . Then , there 'll be an interview for assessment of your skills , followed by the drug testing . It can be a fairly long process . New classes at the academy begin at intervals ; so there is that , as well . " had , and he wound up getting killed and I was shot in the stomach . The crooks got away . They had outsmarted us . I was close to death for several days ; and when it all came to a finish , the department retired me and sent me home . " " Oh , I 'm sorry . That must have been awful for you . " I really wanted those crooks . They had pulled several jobs , and it seemed like they always had inside information ; like they were always expecting us , but I had no way to prove it . You need to watch who you trust , Zeb , anywhere you go . Even in the police force , there are unreliable people . They are just people , after all , and although we try to weed out the undesirables , we are not always successful . " talked more as we walked along . It was so wonderful to see my friend again . I determined I was going to help him find the people who had killed his wife and set his house afire . " Say , just laughed , and said , " What can I say ? I don 't want to just hang around and do nothing . At least , I can begin to get a feel for what you do . I promise , I won 't get in the way . I might even be of some help to you . " this time , we had arrived at the Seven Sisters . It was simply a converted railway car diner . The owners had added a room to the back of it for preparing the food . The diner really was just a hole in the wall , so to speak . An elderly couple were apparently the owners and operators , with only a young woman to wait the booths . We sat down at the counter and Jackson spoke to the old woman . Mama Nina ! How ya doin ' today ? This is my friend , Zeb . We 'd each like one of your burgers with fries and a coffee to go with it . " She wrote the order and put it on a little rotary gizmo so the old man in the back could see what was ordered . are you fellers up to today ? Headin ' fer trouble , no doubt . Jackson , are you sure you should be out and about in the daylight ? That sun on your burns can 't feel too good . " " I 'm fine , Mama Nina ! You gotta quit worryin ' about me , y ' hear ? Besides , this weather is still too cold to bother them . " I 've known Mama here for a long time . She and Pop opened this diner just a short time before I went north with Shirley . They were in their thirties at the time , and they 've been operating this diner ever since . " minutes our food was brought through the window and placed before us . It was some of the best food I have ever eaten . I looked around us and at the booths I saw a few other people who looked like they were down on their luck . It made me wonder , but I held my questions till later . Within minutes , we were saying goodbye to Mama and Pop , and were on our way to Jackson 's small apartment . After another fifteen minute walk , we were in a place that looked like a rabbit warren . We went through a gate , and then to the back entrance of the building , into a dark hallway , and down a flight of stairs , to apparently what was a basement apartment . " You 're wondering why here , right , Zeb ? " facilitates my undercover activities . It is a haven , a safe place for me . I 'm always careful not to lead anyone to it . My rabbit hole , so to speak . " it was not such a bad place . There was an end table near the wall , a sofa , a single bed , and a bathroom off to one side . . a book case with paperbacks , and a table lamp to add more light . Near the end table was an easy chair . Beside the table lamp was his Bible . On the wall was a large landscape painting . I could see how it would be a refuge , and I would come to know it quite well in the future . Turning to me , Jackson said , " You get the bed , I quite often just lie down on the sofa and sleep . As you can see , I 'm no where near as tall as you . The sofa would wind up killing you , and we can 't have that , now can we ? " when I went back to Pennsylvania , I found out what had happened to my Da . Dooley explained to me that my Da had owed money for gambling debts to Rafferty . Rafferty had him beaten and killed as an example to others who owed him money . People that knew were afraid to let on . I owe you my thanks needed , Zeb . My conscience wouldn 't let me allow you to get mixed up in that shady business . It would have been a slippery slope for you to get on . I found out after your family left town what had happened to your father , but had no way of knowing how to contact you . Where did you and your family disappear to ? It seems you have a lot to tell me . " sat there for about an hour while I related our life in Kentucky to him , all about the farm and my grandparents . I told him my Ma was still living on the farm , and my brother was in school . " Didn 't you have a couple of sisters ? " I 'm not quite sure where the older one is , though . My Ma was not very forthcoming with that information . I 'm thinking she must have run off somewhere . The younger one is still on the farm . " I 'll know it 's you . Otherwise , you might get your head blown off . This is a dangerous neighborhood and I can 't take any chances . Understand ? " day my eyes were really opened for the first time as to what I was letting myself in for . I asked myself if I really wanted to do this , then I remembered the four years in Vietnam . This should be a cakewalk compared to that , I thought . need to stay here tonight and if I decide to let you come with me tomorrow evening , we 'll need to get you some old clothes as well . None of mine will come anywhere near fitting you . Nobody knows about this rabbit hole of mine , so you 'll be safe here . Get a good night 's sleep and I 'll see you in the morning . Okay ? " crick in my neck . But I had slept without bad dreams of killing and gunfire exploding around my ears and in my brain . For that very thing , I entered quietly and went into the bathroom . I heard the shower running and within about 15 minutes he emerged in clean clothes , and wiping his hair with a towel . He hadn 't much hair ; it was just beginning to grow back from where he had been burned . Looking at him from this vantage point , I could see he had extensive burns on his arms . He was wearing a tee shirt and blue pants . He noticed my inspection and just kind of chuckled . " Due to my burns , I have been given a nickname by the people of the homeless variety . Would you like to guess what it is ? " " No , they call me ' Krispy ' . It really doesn 't bother me . In fact , it just helps me fit in better as a misfit , don 't you see ? " we need to be going and get you some clothes this morning . There is a charity thrift store where the homeless go to get clothing . We 'll check there first . Then breakfast . Later , after I check in at the station , we 'll see if we can get your belongings from the Wayfarer 's Mission . " I got a few hours on the street in a doorway last night . I have to do that to really fit in as a homeless person . Otherwise , as the saying goes , the jig would be up . Let 's roll , Zeb ! " closely at Jackson 's attire , I realized he was wearing a high necked sweater and a cap . Along with his long sleeves and the heavy jacket , he looked nothing like his evening persona . No one would recognize the two as the same person . In the evening , he had worn a long scraggly wig inside a stocking cap . Jackson had become a master of disguise . made me wonder how I could disguise myself to keep the homeless from knowing me in the daytime . Perhaps he would help me with mine . My red hair was going to be difficult to miss . Within such a place , and was amazed by the racks and tables of miscellany . I thought , ' Wow ! One could purchase anything here from salt shakers to something to sit on . What a place ! ' headed over to a table with shirts folded and we looked for my size . Then after finding pants and socks , we looked for shorts and undershirts . They were in scant supply , and I wasn 't sure I wanted to wear any previously worn of those . " Listen , Jackson , let 's go see if we can get into the Mission today . I really need my duffel bag of belongings . It 's got my Yankee 's cap and I don 't want to lose that . " Da bought it for me the only time we ever went to a game together . It was a World Series game and we actually had a good day together , along with my little brother , Les . It 's one of the few happy memories I have of my Da . " " Ah ! I see . Well , by all means , we will get it back , somehow . I may have to use a bit of influence , but I can do that . Don 't you worry . " Upon our entrance to the diner , Mama was wiping down the counter and we plopped down . " The usual ? " she wanted to know . " Yes , please , " Jackson replied . " And please bring my friend here the same . I know he 'll like it , too . " to him , I asked , " How do you know I 'll like it ? Are you perhaps a mind reader , since I met you years ago ? " Of course , I was only joking with him and did not utter the words in a combative manner . " Ah , just wait ! Nobody could turn this down . " We sat there drinking the coffee she had poured for us when she saw us coming in . Within about ten minutes , she was carrying two plates in our direction and placing them on the counter in front of us . My eyes must have gotten as big as saucers when I saw the food . There was country ham , biscuits , eggs , and red - eye gravy . I was back on the farm again in my memory . I got all choked up at the very sight of the food . " How did you know ? " I asked him . " You 're did my Ma back home right proud , and dug into that food . I polished it off with another cup of coffee , put on my cap and I was ready to get on with the day . As enhancement drugs , along with morphine and cocaine . Many of the returning veterans used the drugs to forget and sometimes just to get through the nights . They were suffering from PTSD . They just didn 't have were greeted by an older man who had his sleeves rolled up and was wearing an apron . He had obviously been sweeping since he was holding a broom . " Can I help you , gentlemen ? Are you seeking shelter ? " thank you . We have come to pick up my belongings that I left here when Pastor Andy was in charge . It was going to be my job to sweep up each day , but . . . well , it 's a long story . Needless to say , I didn 't get back here because of his death . I had no way to get in . I left them in a small room close to his . Is it okay if I go back there and retrieve them ? I have a key to the room . " Zeb . . . I 've been thinking about your hair and how distinctive it is . It 's going to be quite difficult to disguise it . Do you have any suggestions ? " Well , I thought Jackson 's eyes were going to pop out of his head when he looked at my haircut . " What . . . did . . . you . . . do ? " he stammered . " You mean you don 't like it ? " I looked as if I were dismayed at his reaction . Inside I was chortling . I was having a good time . His reaction elicited a loud laugh from me . " I guess you think it makes a good disguise , then ? " " Well , it would certainly throw me off ! What ever made you think of doing that ? " realized that the distinct color of my hair would cause people to remember me . The lack of hair is more common among some street folks , especially those who are just out of jail . If people think I am a felon , they will steer clear of me . If my cap accidentally comes off my head , no hair color , no I . D . I believe it will help me blend in . I wore it this way some in Vietnam , because I could smear mud on my face and head and wade through water , to stay hidden on patrol . " " Ah , I see . Well , it is a good idea . You have great instincts , Zeb . I know you 're going to do well on the police force . Let 's go , kid ! " Replacing note here : Training in police academies has much improved since I trained . They are now of longer duration , the methodology of crime solving has had to keep up with the times , and it has become a part of some college courses . Now a degree in law enforcement is encouraged . ) wouldn 't qualify me for that kind of active duty . I still have some shrapnel in my body that can keep me from being in tip top shape . They weren 't able to remove all of it , and it sometimes causes me great pain . To say I was disappointed would have been an understatement , but I understood . " Well , maybe I can go with you sometime . " I stopped , because I realized I sounded like a child begging . He just smiled at me , and said , " We 'll go out at night together until you start your training , and maybe sometimes on the weekend . Okay ? " It was as though he had just remembered my journey to find him . We walked up the steps into the police station . True to his word , Jackson began introducing me to the others working that day . We began by my meeting the desk sergeant , a forty year veteran on the police force who had trained with Jackson . " Bringing in new blood for us , eh , Fin ? Good . Since he 's a friend of yours , I know there 's a story behind it . I wanta hear it someday . " " Sure , Hicky . Zeb O ' Hanlon , this is Fred Hicks , one of the best partners any cop could have . Fred , meet Baldy O ' Hanlon . " off your cap and show him , Zeb ! This young man , so eager to fit into life on the streets , had his head shaved ! Can you believe it , HIcky ? " doubled over with laughter . When he finally recovered , he said , " Welcome to the precinct ! I know you 're going to fit in just fine . " We left him shaking his head and wiping his eyes . Jackson took me to a desk where another cop was talking on the telephone . His desk was facing another one , where a cop was working on paper work and fussing a blue streak . I met him first . looked up briefly and said , " Hey , boy , I reckon you don 't know what you 're lettin ' yourself in for , gettin ' mixed up with a bunch like us . Welcome . What 's yore name ? " " Zebulon O ' Hanlon , but you can just call me Baldy , I guess . " " Glad to meetcha ! " So saying , he just shook his head and went back to work . His partner , who had been on the phone , hung up , and said , " We gotta roll , Drin , trouble over on South Main , again . " boy . I reckoned that would be the fly in my soup . I knew that I would be working with some who were difficult to deal with . It was a fact of life , and had been while I was in the Army as well . While that evening , after the day 's activities , we smeared our faces with dirt , mussed up our clothes to look dirty and unkempt , and completed our disguises by adding caps and old shoes . The pair of shoes I put on had cardboard in a couple of holes in the soles . I really felt homeless . had to be very careful and stay in character . He had noticed how slick my head looked when I put the dirt on it , and had made a comment about it . " How about calling me ' Slick ' instead of ' Baldy ' ? " I had asked him . " You know the name Slick could infer I belong to the criminal element . " " That 's a great idea ! I knew you could probably come up with something better than Baldy . Good for you , Slick ! " I laughed at his response and knew this was going to work out well . " Now , the idea , Slick , is to just get the information , and we won 't be apprehending anyone . That will be left for the uniforms to do . We don 't want to blow our cover ; just gather information . We do that by observation . " " What if we get into a jam ? Do you have any protection for us ? " " You mean a gun ? " he whispered . or a knife . . . anything to defend ourselves with . I have a pocket knife . Those guys didn 't get it a couple of nights ago when they got my coat and shoes . " do have a gun in an ankle holster , so yeah , I do have something . Don 't worry , just stay on alert to anything going on around us . " Staying alert was nothing new to me , but I was definitely in new and strange territory . The the glow of a single streetlight , we saw three men beating an old man . He was on his knees , begging for mercy . We immediately jumped into the fray ; the three ran away , leaving the old man weeping and bleeding . I money , that 's what . . . what little I had anyway . They were jist beatin ' the stuffin ' out a ' me , cause I didn 't have much , I guess . What I wanta know is - where 's a cop when a feller needs one , anyhow ? " He was grunting in pain , but still able to complain about the lack of protection . I thought it rather incongruous that he was actually being helped by the police but had not a clue . We helped him to his feet and asked did he want to go to the hospital . " Nah , I don 't want none a ' them sawbones a workin ' on me . Jist leave me be , I 'll be okay . " " You 're sure ? " Krispy asked him . " Yeah , yeah . . . go on about yer bizness . " We continued on our way . " Did you smell the liquor on his breath ? " I asked my friend . seemed that Sgt . Finley had a lot of stories rolling around in his memory ; I was anxious to hear them , and hoped I 'd get a chance soon . As we rounded the corner , we saw our three guys standing and talking to a fourth . They were standing around a trash can , with the sparks from a fire , flying up into the sky like lightning bugs . " What are we going to do , Krispy ? " I whispered , as we backed up around the corner so they couldn 't see us . at once , I stepped on something sharp , that went through the cardboard in my shoe . A swift intake of breath on my part was heard by one of the men . " What was that ? ! ! " He lettin ' your nerves get to ya , Dopey . Ya been samplin ' yer merchandise agin , ain 't ya ? Quit poppin ' them Red Devils , er ' they 'll kill ya . " soon realized we were in the same alley where I had been attacked . In fact , the three men talking to the fourth were the ones who had beaten me up and robbed me . But why were they talking about angels and rainbows ? Not a subject to ordinarily be discussed in an alley at night . I simply going to wait here and see what happens next . They may not stay there very long , or they may have other customers that will show up . We need to find a better place to hide and watch . " think this is the same alleyway where I was beaten up . Why can 't we just cross the street and sit down like we don 't have any place left to go ? Then we can just pretend to be asleep against the wall . " It wasn 't long before the one guy left and then after another few minutes a couple of young people approached us and stopped . " Hey , Billy , look at these two drunks , can 't hold their likker . Haw , haw ! " He kicked at us , disdainfully . " Aw , leave ' em alone , Sammy . They ain 't hurtin ' us none . Let 's go get the angel dust . There 's our fellas across the way , there . " As soon as they crossed the street , Krispy turned to me . " Listen , Slick . I have an idea . I know about where Johnson and Murray should be right about now . It isn 't far from here , and I think I have time to go get them . You wouldn 't be able to find them , so just hang tight here and wait for me to return . Don 't . . do . . . anything . . . Period . Understand ? Don 't try to follow them if they leave . Just stay here and pretend a drunken stupor . Okay ? " I shook my head in agreement . ( To be continued ) Posted by Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy !
|
As I slowly became aware of sounds around me , I realized I was lying in a bed , not sitting in a corner in the drunk tank . What was going on ? What was I doing here in this place ? Where was I anyway ? The sounds reaching my ears seemed to be muted , as if they were plugged with cotton . ' What gives ? ' I thought . ' Where am I ? ' Slowly trying to sit up , I was aware of pain in my head and as I moved my feet , I realized they had something on them . Were they bandaged ? I could feel the pain in them as I moved them in the bed . " There , there , Mr . O ' Hanlon . Don 't move about so much . You 've suffered a concussion . You should lie still for a while longer . " " About twenty - four hours , sir . They brought you here from the jail , unconscious and unresponsive . They found your identification in your empty billfold . When they realized your condition yesterday morning they immediately got help for you . A good thing they did , too . You were in a bad way . Now , you just lie back and rest . It won 't be long until you can have some breakfast . " Before long , a doctor came to check on my progress . I inquired of him about how long I would be staying . " Oh , probably another twenty - four hours for observation . I also will write orders for the nurse to check your feet for infection . Apparently , that was quite dirty glass you must have stepped on . Nasty stuff , infections . I 'll look in on you later , to check your progress . " " Thank you , Doctor . " I lay back and thought about my predicament , yet , I knew I was blessed . I could be dead now , I realized to myself . I thanked God that He had taken such good care of me . Chuckling to myself , I remembered how my Da had called me hard - headed . Right at that moment , I was right glad for how right he was , although he had meant stubborn . I remembered then that I no longer had a coat or shoes . Winter was still upon us , and I was now in a tighter situation than before . With my coat , my map disappeared . But the map situation could be remedied . Wait a minute ! I just happened to think that perhaps Anne and Jackson had other siblings , and perhaps he might have gone to another sibling for assistance when Anne turned him out . My plan had certainly taken on a down - turn . Here I was , conjecturing with no real facts to go on . I had to go back as soon as I could to Miss Olivia for more information . I lay there wondering how I was going to get there , and how it was all going to come together . I drifted off to sleep . I awakened to see the shadow of someone in my room . " Are you a doctor , " I asked . " No , just a friend . " " A friend ? But I there 's no one who would know I 'm here . How did I get here , anyway ? " " Didn 't anyone tell you , you were brought in from the jail ? " The nurse brought in some medication and gave it to me , along with some juice and jello . Soon afterwards , I went back to sleep , still not knowing who had been sitting in the chair . I awakened to the aroma of coffee and saw the same chair occupied . This time , the blinds were more open , and I recognized that someone who looked very familiar , but there was something odd about his appearance . " I saw you in the drunk tank and recognized your curly red hair in an instant . When I investigated , I realized you were there by mistake . I was afraid at first that you might have taken up your father 's habits , but was pleased to see that you had not . I called the ambulance and had you transported to the hospital . " " Why were you at the police station , Sergeant ? " " Listen , Zeb . Why don 't you just call me by my given name of Jackson , like an equal ? Okay ? " I agreed that would be okay . " I work there ; I 'm an undercover detective , working among the homeless . I 've brought you a heavy coat and a pair of shoes , so that when you can leave here , you won 't freeze to death . What are you doing here in Bankton , anyway ? I must say it was really a surprise to see you in jajl . " " I came here to find you . I just returned a few months ago from four years in Vietnam , and felt restless . I 've thought of you often , and felt you might be in need of a friend , especially after I heard you had been shot and retired from the police force up in Pennsylvania . Then when I heard you had lost your wife and your home , and been burned in the process , I followed a trail to find you . But , you found me first . Will you tell me about the fire ? " He hung his head and I could see how it hurt him to even think about it , but he went ahead and told me . " I was sleeping beside my wife , Shirley , when I heard a noise . It must have been around midnight . All at once , I felt heat all around me and realized the bed was on fire . Smoke was filling the house and it was hard to see through it . Apparently fire was burning in other parts of the house as well . I flipped over and picked up Shirley , ran out of the house and saw that the house was enveloped in flames . I placed her on the ground and saw she was covered in blood . In the light of the fire , I realized her throat had been cut . She had been murdered as she lay beside me and I never knew when it happened . " By this time , he was sobbing uncontrollably . I felt awful , having asked him about it , but he soon was wiping his eyes and in control again . " I 'm sorry , my friend , for bringing the sorrow back into your mind , " I said . We spent the next few hours talking and I told him all about my time in service and how I thought I would like to become a policeman . " We are looking for some new recruits , but you would have to take some tests and meet the requirements . You did complete hjgh school , didn 't you ? What have you been doing since then ? " " Hopefully , you 'll be able to leave here tomorrow . You can stay at my place for the time being . It 's small , but will be okay . I 'll be back this evening and bring you a sandwich and a police manual . I know the food in here is not always what we would choose for ourselves . " He said this because my lunch had been some kind of nondescript meat and overcooked vegetables , and I sent about half of it back . " Thanks , Jackson . " I lay back down and soon was asleep again . Once again , I was awakened by the scent of food , but it was the odor of french fries that caught my nostrils and brought me from my slumber . True to his word , Jackson had returned with food and a police manual . This time , however , he looked like a homeless person , so that I almost didn 't recognize him . He soon left on his way to spend the night in the streets of Bankton . I read through the manual as carefully as I could , trying to remember what I considered the most important portions of it , and at least absorb the rules it presented . I believed I could do well on a test over its major facts . That night , I had dreams that made me restless , and was back in Vietnam . I awakened screaming , and the nurse came in and awakened me . She gave me a sedative and I went back to sleep and the rest of my night was quiet and dreamless . The next day , he came early and after I had my breakfast , I got dressed and we left . I was eager to get to the police station and fill out an application . As we were ascending the steps to the police station , we met the two men who had brought me to the station earlier in the week . They were on their way down . They stopped me and one of them said , " Say , buddy , we 're sorry for what happened with you . Just doing our job , you know . Hope there 's no hard feelings . " He held out his hand to shake mine . The inside of the station house was a beehive of activity , with officers getting coffee , filling out reports , answering phones , and just generally greeting each other as the day for the day shift began . Others were leaving to go home to rest after a night 's work . Jackson took me to a door that had the words , " Captain Robert Shannon " etched upon it . Hearing the knocking on his door , he grunted , " Yeah . " We went in , and I was introduced to the Captain . Leaning back in his desk chair , he looked me over with a sharp evaluating look . " Captain , I 'd like to formally introduce Zebulon O ' Hanlon . He is a fine young man who just recently returned from four years of active duty in Vietnam , and came out as an experienced marksman . " " I hear you think you 'd like to become a policeman . You think you 've got the stuff to make it ? " " Yes , sir . " Just then the door opened and a young woman came in holding a baby . " Oh , I 'm sorry , Robert . I needed to speak with you . I didn 't know you were busy . " " Glad to meet you , ma ' am . Thank you , sir . " We left and went into the outer room where people were busy answering phones and doing paper work . Jackson got me set up with a desk and brought a bunch of papers for me to fill out , some of them tests that I had to take . I sat down and began working . The coffee from the breakroom tasted terrible , but actually not much worse than I had had while serving in the army , so I drank it and worked . A Chuckling , he replied , " Oh , yeah , here you go . " He wrote down an address for me and I copied it to my application . " We 'll head over that way before long . First , we need to get these papers turned in . Then we need to see about some food . You must be getting hungry ; I know I am . There 's a little hole - in - the - wall near where I live . It will be a few days before you will be notified of your passing or failing . Then , there 'll be an interview for assessment of your skills , followed by the drug testing . It can be a fairly long process . New classes at the academy begin at intervals ; so there is that , as well . " had , and he wound up getting killed and I was shot in the stomach . The crooks got away . They had outsmarted us . I was close to death for several days ; and when it all came to a finish , the department retired me and sent me home . " " Oh , I 'm sorry . That must have been awful for you . " I really wanted those crooks . They had pulled several jobs , and it seemed like they always had inside information ; like they were always expecting us , but I had no way to prove it . You need to watch who you trust , Zeb , anywhere you go . Even in the police force , there are unreliable people . They are just people , after all , and although we try to weed out the undesirables , we are not always successful . " talked more as we walked along . It was so wonderful to see my friend again . I determined I was going to help him find the people who had killed his wife and set his house afire . " Say , just laughed , and said , " What can I say ? I don 't want to just hang around and do nothing . At least , I can begin to get a feel for what you do . I promise , I won 't get in the way . I might even be of some help to you . " this time , we had arrived at the Seven Sisters . It was simply a converted railway car diner . The owners had added a room to the back of it for preparing the food . The diner really was just a hole in the wall , so to speak . An elderly couple were apparently the owners and operators , with only a young woman to wait the booths . We sat down at the counter and Jackson spoke to the old woman . Mama Nina ! How ya doin ' today ? This is my friend , Zeb . We 'd each like one of your burgers with fries and a coffee to go with it . " She wrote the order and put it on a little rotary gizmo so the old man in the back could see what was ordered . are you fellers up to today ? Headin ' fer trouble , no doubt . Jackson , are you sure you should be out and about in the daylight ? That sun on your burns can 't feel too good . " " I 'm fine , Mama Nina ! You gotta quit worryin ' about me , y ' hear ? Besides , this weather is still too cold to bother them . " I 've known Mama here for a long time . She and Pop opened this diner just a short time before I went north with Shirley . They were in their thirties at the time , and they 've been operating this diner ever since . " minutes our food was brought through the window and placed before us . It was some of the best food I have ever eaten . I looked around us and at the booths I saw a few other people who looked like they were down on their luck . It made me wonder , but I held my questions till later . Within minutes , we were saying goodbye to Mama and Pop , and were on our way to Jackson 's small apartment . After another fifteen minute walk , we were in a place that looked like a rabbit warren . We went through a gate , and then to the back entrance of the building , into a dark hallway , and down a flight of stairs , to apparently what was a basement apartment . " You 're wondering why here , right , Zeb ? " facilitates my undercover activities . It is a haven , a safe place for me . I 'm always careful not to lead anyone to it . My rabbit hole , so to speak . " it was not such a bad place . There was an end table near the wall , a sofa , a single bed , and a bathroom off to one side . . a book case with paperbacks , and a table lamp to add more light . Near the end table was an easy chair . Beside the table lamp was his Bible . On the wall was a large landscape painting . I could see how it would be a refuge , and I would come to know it quite well in the future . Turning to me , Jackson said , " You get the bed , I quite often just lie down on the sofa and sleep . As you can see , I 'm no where near as tall as you . The sofa would wind up killing you , and we can 't have that , now can we ? " when I went back to Pennsylvania , I found out what had happened to my Da . Dooley explained to me that my Da had owed money for gambling debts to Rafferty . Rafferty had him beaten and killed as an example to others who owed him money . People that knew were afraid to let on . I owe you my thanks needed , Zeb . My conscience wouldn 't let me allow you to get mixed up in that shady business . It would have been a slippery slope for you to get on . I found out after your family left town what had happened to your father , but had no way of knowing how to contact you . Where did you and your family disappear to ? It seems you have a lot to tell me . " sat there for about an hour while I related our life in Kentucky to him , all about the farm and my grandparents . I told him my Ma was still living on the farm , and my brother was in school . " Didn 't you have a couple of sisters ? " I 'm not quite sure where the older one is , though . My Ma was not very forthcoming with that information . I 'm thinking she must have run off somewhere . The younger one is still on the farm . " I 'll know it 's you . Otherwise , you might get your head blown off . This is a dangerous neighborhood and I can 't take any chances . Understand ? " day my eyes were really opened for the first time as to what I was letting myself in for . I asked myself if I really wanted to do this , then I remembered the four years in Vietnam . This should be a cakewalk compared to that , I thought . need to stay here tonight and if I decide to let you come with me tomorrow evening , we 'll need to get you some old clothes as well . None of mine will come anywhere near fitting you . Nobody knows about this rabbit hole of mine , so you 'll be safe here . Get a good night 's sleep and I 'll see you in the morning . Okay ? " crick in my neck . But I had slept without bad dreams of killing and gunfire exploding around my ears and in my brain . For that very thing , I entered quietly and went into the bathroom . I heard the shower running and within about 15 minutes he emerged in clean clothes , and wiping his hair with a towel . He hadn 't much hair ; it was just beginning to grow back from where he had been burned . Looking at him from this vantage point , I could see he had extensive burns on his arms . He was wearing a tee shirt and blue pants . He noticed my inspection and just kind of chuckled . " Due to my burns , I have been given a nickname by the people of the homeless variety . Would you like to guess what it is ? " " No , they call me ' Krispy ' . It really doesn 't bother me . In fact , it just helps me fit in better as a misfit , don 't you see ? " we need to be going and get you some clothes this morning . There is a charity thrift store where the homeless go to get clothing . We 'll check there first . Then breakfast . Later , after I check in at the station , we 'll see if we can get your belongings from the Wayfarer 's Mission . " I got a few hours on the street in a doorway last night . I have to do that to really fit in as a homeless person . Otherwise , as the saying goes , the jig would be up . Let 's roll , Zeb ! " closely at Jackson 's attire , I realized he was wearing a high necked sweater and a cap . Along with his long sleeves and the heavy jacket , he looked nothing like his evening persona . No one would recognize the two as the same person . In the evening , he had worn a long scraggly wig inside a stocking cap . Jackson had become a master of disguise . made me wonder how I could disguise myself to keep the homeless from knowing me in the daytime . Perhaps he would help me with mine . My red hair was going to be difficult to miss . Within such a place , and was amazed by the racks and tables of miscellany . I thought , ' Wow ! One could purchase anything here from salt shakers to something to sit on . What a place ! ' headed over to a table with shirts folded and we looked for my size . Then after finding pants and socks , we looked for shorts and undershirts . They were in scant supply , and I wasn 't sure I wanted to wear any previously worn of those . " Listen , Jackson , let 's go see if we can get into the Mission today . I really need my duffel bag of belongings . It 's got my Yankee 's cap and I don 't want to lose that . " Da bought it for me the only time we ever went to a game together . It was a World Series game and we actually had a good day together , along with my little brother , Les . It 's one of the few happy memories I have of my Da . " " Ah ! I see . Well , by all means , we will get it back , somehow . I may have to use a bit of influence , but I can do that . Don 't you worry . " Upon our entrance to the diner , Mama was wiping down the counter and we plopped down . " The usual ? " she wanted to know . " Yes , please , " Jackson replied . " And please bring my friend here the same . I know he 'll like it , too . " to him , I asked , " How do you know I 'll like it ? Are you perhaps a mind reader , since I met you years ago ? " Of course , I was only joking with him and did not utter the words in a combative manner . " Ah , just wait ! Nobody could turn this down . " We sat there drinking the coffee she had poured for us when she saw us coming in . Within about ten minutes , she was carrying two plates in our direction and placing them on the counter in front of us . My eyes must have gotten as big as saucers when I saw the food . There was country ham , biscuits , eggs , and red - eye gravy . I was back on the farm again in my memory . I got all choked up at the very sight of the food . " How did you know ? " I asked him . " You 're did my Ma back home right proud , and dug into that food . I polished it off with another cup of coffee , put on my cap and I was ready to get on with the day . As enhancement drugs , along with morphine and cocaine . Many of the returning veterans used the drugs to forget and sometimes just to get through the nights . They were suffering from PTSD . They just didn 't have were greeted by an older man who had his sleeves rolled up and was wearing an apron . He had obviously been sweeping since he was holding a broom . " Can I help you , gentlemen ? Are you seeking shelter ? " thank you . We have come to pick up my belongings that I left here when Pastor Andy was in charge . It was going to be my job to sweep up each day , but . . . well , it 's a long story . Needless to say , I didn 't get back here because of his death . I had no way to get in . I left them in a small room close to his . Is it okay if I go back there and retrieve them ? I have a key to the room . " Zeb . . . I 've been thinking about your hair and how distinctive it is . It 's going to be quite difficult to disguise it . Do you have any suggestions ? " Well , I thought Jackson 's eyes were going to pop out of his head when he looked at my haircut . " What . . . did . . . you . . . do ? " he stammered . " You mean you don 't like it ? " I looked as if I were dismayed at his reaction . Inside I was chortling . I was having a good time . His reaction elicited a loud laugh from me . " I guess you think it makes a good disguise , then ? " " Well , it would certainly throw me off ! What ever made you think of doing that ? " realized that the distinct color of my hair would cause people to remember me . The lack of hair is more common among some street folks , especially those who are just out of jail . If people think I am a felon , they will steer clear of me . If my cap accidentally comes off my head , no hair color , no I . D . I believe it will help me blend in . I wore it this way some in Vietnam , because I could smear mud on my face and head and wade through water , to stay hidden on patrol . " " Ah , I see . Well , it is a good idea . You have great instincts , Zeb . I know you 're going to do well on the police force . Let 's go , kid ! " Replacing note here : Training in police academies has much improved since I trained . They are now of longer duration , the methodology of crime solving has had to keep up with the times , and it has become a part of some college courses . Now a degree in law enforcement is encouraged . ) wouldn 't qualify me for that kind of active duty . I still have some shrapnel in my body that can keep me from being in tip top shape . They weren 't able to remove all of it , and it sometimes causes me great pain . To say I was disappointed would have been an understatement , but I understood . " Well , maybe I can go with you sometime . " I stopped , because I realized I sounded like a child begging . He just smiled at me , and said , " We 'll go out at night together until you start your training , and maybe sometimes on the weekend . Okay ? " It was as though he had just remembered my journey to find him . We walked up the steps into the police station . True to his word , Jackson began introducing me to the others working that day . We began by my meeting the desk sergeant , a forty year veteran on the police force who had trained with Jackson . " Bringing in new blood for us , eh , Fin ? Good . Since he 's a friend of yours , I know there 's a story behind it . I wanta hear it someday . " " Sure , Hicky . Zeb O ' Hanlon , this is Fred Hicks , one of the best partners any cop could have . Fred , meet Baldy O ' Hanlon . " off your cap and show him , Zeb ! This young man , so eager to fit into life on the streets , had his head shaved ! Can you believe it , HIcky ? " doubled over with laughter . When he finally recovered , he said , " Welcome to the precinct ! I know you 're going to fit in just fine . " We left him shaking his head and wiping his eyes . Jackson took me to a desk where another cop was talking on the telephone . His desk was facing another one , where a cop was working on paper work and fussing a blue streak . I met him first . looked up briefly and said , " Hey , boy , I reckon you don 't know what you 're lettin ' yourself in for , gettin ' mixed up with a bunch like us . Welcome . What 's yore name ? " " Zebulon O ' Hanlon , but you can just call me Baldy , I guess . " " Glad to meetcha ! " So saying , he just shook his head and went back to work . His partner , who had been on the phone , hung up , and said , " We gotta roll , Drin , trouble over on South Main , again . " boy . I reckoned that would be the fly in my soup . I knew that I would be working with some who were difficult to deal with . It was a fact of life , and had been while I was in the Army as well . While that evening , after the day 's activities , we smeared our faces with dirt , mussed up our clothes to look dirty and unkempt , and completed our disguises by adding caps and old shoes . The pair of shoes I put on had cardboard in a couple of holes in the soles . I really felt homeless . had to be very careful and stay in character . He had noticed how slick my head looked when I put the dirt on it , and had made a comment about it . " How about calling me ' Slick ' instead of ' Baldy ' ? " I had asked him . " You know the name Slick could infer I belong to the criminal element . " " That 's a great idea ! I knew you could probably come up with something better than Baldy . Good for you , Slick ! " I laughed at his response and knew this was going to work out well . " Now , the idea , Slick , is to just get the information , and we won 't be apprehending anyone . That will be left for the uniforms to do . We don 't want to blow our cover ; just gather information . We do that by observation . " " What if we get into a jam ? Do you have any protection for us ? " " You mean a gun ? " he whispered . or a knife . . . anything to defend ourselves with . I have a pocket knife . Those guys didn 't get it a couple of nights ago when they got my coat and shoes . " do have a gun in an ankle holster , so yeah , I do have something . Don 't worry , just stay on alert to anything going on around us . " Staying alert was nothing new to me , but I was definitely in new and strange territory . The the glow of a single streetlight , we saw three men beating an old man . He was on his knees , begging for mercy . We immediately jumped into the fray ; the three ran away , leaving the old man weeping and bleeding . I money , that 's what . . . what little I had anyway . They were jist beatin ' the stuffin ' out a ' me , cause I didn 't have much , I guess . What I wanta know is - where 's a cop when a feller needs one , anyhow ? " He was grunting in pain , but still able to complain about the lack of protection . I thought it rather incongruous that he was actually being helped by the police but had not a clue . We helped him to his feet and asked did he want to go to the hospital . " Nah , I don 't want none a ' them sawbones a workin ' on me . Jist leave me be , I 'll be okay . " " You 're sure ? " Krispy asked him . " Yeah , yeah . . . go on about yer bizness . " We continued on our way . " Did you smell the liquor on his breath ? " I asked my friend . seemed that Sgt . Finley had a lot of stories rolling around in his memory ; I was anxious to hear them , and hoped I 'd get a chance soon . As we rounded the corner , we saw our three guys standing and talking to a fourth . They were standing around a trash can , with the sparks from a fire , flying up into the sky like lightning bugs . " What are we going to do , Krispy ? " I whispered , as we backed up around the corner so they couldn 't see us . at once , I stepped on something sharp , that went through the cardboard in my shoe . A swift intake of breath on my part was heard by one of the men . " What was that ? ! ! " He lettin ' your nerves get to ya , Dopey . Ya been samplin ' yer merchandise agin , ain 't ya ? Quit poppin ' them Red Devils , er ' they 'll kill ya . " soon realized we were in the same alley where I had been attacked . In fact , the three men talking to the fourth were the ones who had beaten me up and robbed me . But why were they talking about angels and rainbows ? Not a subject to ordinarily be discussed in an alley at night . I simply going to wait here and see what happens next . They may not stay there very long , or they may have other customers that will show up . We need to find a better place to hide and watch . " think this is the same alleyway where I was beaten up . Why can 't we just cross the street and sit down like we don 't have any place left to go ? Then we can just pretend to be asleep against the wall . " It wasn 't long before the one guy left and then after another few minutes a couple of young people approached us and stopped . " Hey , Billy , look at these two drunks , can 't hold their likker . Haw , haw ! " He kicked at us , disdainfully . " Aw , leave ' em alone , Sammy . They ain 't hurtin ' us none . Let 's go get the angel dust . There 's our fellas across the way , there . " As soon as they crossed the street , Krispy turned to me . " Listen , Slick . I have an idea . I know about where Johnson and Murray should be right about now . It isn 't far from here , and I think I have time to go get them . You wouldn 't be able to find them , so just hang tight here and wait for me to return . Don 't . . do . . . anything . . . Period . Understand ? Don 't try to follow them if they leave . Just stay here and pretend a drunken stupor . Okay ? " I shook my head in agreement . ( To be continued ) Posted by Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy !
|
Author : mari9405I am a 62 year old woman . I suffer from Tuberous Sclerosis and also Prosopagnosia . Prosopagnosia is the inability to recognize faces . I also have some good stories , from past and present , to tell , and I do love to write Watch Your Step , At Sale Water Park June 19 , 2017June 19 , 2017 by mari9405 , posted in Disability , Memories Hello again ! I want you to know that I am usually a pleasant person . I don 't always complain about things . I know a woman who complains at the slightest little thing . For example , she ordered tea in a cafe , and complained that it didn 't come in a china cup ! Me … I don 't care what kind of cup the tea is in , as long as the cup is clean , and has no cracks . but who was to know ? I certainly wouldn 't have said anything to anyone , and her boss wasn 't there to object ! Besides , there should not be just one toilet in a busy tourist place ! She could have just let me use the loo , instead of telling me to walk down to the restaurant , and use the one in the water sports centre , attached to the restaurant . But that was just what she told me to do ! So I had to walk to the next loo . It 's actually not that far . I followed the path to the lake and into the wooded area . It 's the only footpath there is , and then … I came upon the stepping - stones ! Just as I said , there is no other way to go . In order to proceed towards the restaurant area , you are forced to go across the stepping - stones . Now I know that many people do not have a problem , but I do , because my balance is bad and that 's the main reason I always use a walking stick . I managed the first two steps , with some difficulty , but the third was a step too far . The space between the stones was too much . I lost my nerve and was truly afraid . My husband tried to help me , and a passer by did too , but I couldn 't cross the water . I managed to get back the way I had come . Then , the only way to get to the toilet , was to re - trace my steps to the Visitors Centre , and then walk along the road . The road is dangerous ! It has no footpath , and the cars are coming along all the time , both ways . So that was another nerve wracking moment in time . But I got to the toilets eventually , although my day was ruined . The Water Park is not ' disabled friendly ' . Because it is a country place , it 's not flat , but there are no ramps anywhere , only steps , that is bad enough . But the stepping - stones are lethal . They are often wet , and anyone who is bad on their legs could not cross them , neither could anyone with a pram or pushchair , and if you were in a wheelchair … Forget it ! And before anyone says , you can drive along the road , to the restaurant and toilets , let me remind people that not everyone is fortunate enough , to posses a car . Alan and I don 't have one . We have to walk or use public transport , so when we used the road to get to the restaurant , we had no choice , but to walk along it , and hope that the cars would not hit us . Once again . This is not good enough . The Water Park could be a great place to visit , if it was accessible to everyone , but it is not . The problem is , that people just do not speak out , when there is a problem facing people with disability , or people with young children who need to be pushed in prams or pushchairs . If more people did , I am sure something would be done . It is a shame that the park is not a better place , for those of us who are physically disabled . Tagged Disability , Sale Water ParkLeave a comment Nana Mary 's Story March 28 , 2017March 28 , 2017 by mari9405 , posted in Faith , Memories Hello again ! I 've got something badly wrong with the bottom of my back ! I had an x ray last Friday and they told me I would have to wait 7 - 10 days for the result , but the Surgery called me this morning ( Tuesday ) to get me to make an appointment , so I have done . They must have got a result . I 'm writing a new blog post , to take my mind off my pain . I promised to tell the story of my Irish Nana . I shared that story , last time I was at the Storytellers Club , but for people who haven 't heard it . here it is . My Nana 's name was Mary . When I was born , she was already bedridden , and it was she , who taught me my prayers , and told me about God . I always think of her as my first Christian influence . she was Roman Catholic . I was also brought up in that faith , but did not remain a Roman Catholic . I think of myself as a Christian , but of no particular denomination . Previous posts , explain my views . But the Church was Nana 's life . Even when she was unable to leave the house , the priest used to come once a week , and she would make confession , and receive Holy Communion . I remember her , with her rosary beads in her slim fingers , mouthing her prayers , with the relics of her faith , all around her . Granddad 's name was Samuel Bradshaw . He was crippled , because of a fall from a tree , when he was a child . His broken leg did not set right , and never grew , so one of his legs was just half the size of an adult leg . When he was 21 years old , he met Nana , who was walking down the street . Because he was carrying crutches , she was not afraid , when he spoke to her . They talked , and he asked to see her again . She agreed , and they began to meet regularly . Nana wasn 't having any of that ! she disobeyed her parents , and eloped with Sam . Her future husband was a bespoke tailor , and he actually made the lovely two - piece suite , which she got married in . He also married her in the R . C . Church , as he knew how much her faith meant to her . Mary and Sam Bradshaw , had eight children . The eldest boy was also named Sam . When he grew up , he met a wonderful , down - to - Earth woman named Vera Warrington . They married , and three years later , their eldest daughter was born . Because Vera liked the actress , Marilyn Monroe , she called her eldest daughter Marilyn . There is something good , on the radio tonight , to take my mind off my bad back . My wonderful Mika . My favorite singer - songwriter , has another episode of his occasional radio show , The Art of Song , broadcasting tonight on BBC Radio 2 . My ears cannot wait . The episode is about the work of Carole King . It should be wonderful . But I love Mika 's own work ! I think he is peerless . Here 's one of his songs . I sang this at a previous Storytellers night . It 's a beautiful song called ' Hurts ' Tagged Christianity , Mika , recollectionsLeave a comment Girl On Film ! March 14 , 2017March 14 , 2017 by mari9405 , posted in Memories It was a brilliant night , last night at The Success Stories Club There were cameras in the room , because a group from Altrincham were filming us , for a documentary . Sharon , who runs the club , did ask if anyone would prefer not to be filmed . I don 't know how many put their hands up , but I certainly didn 't . All my life I have wanted be on film . Actually , a few years ago , when I was looking into , perhaps , being able to work again , I was volunteering at an organisation in Altrincham , called , The Family Contact Line . I was working as a receptionist / admin . They wanted a commercial made for their organisation , which would be shown on a local TV station ( not one of the big stations unfortunately ) anyway , I jumped at the chance to be in the advert . I played a client , who was going for their counselling service . I had to meet the counselor , and then pretend to be having therapy ( not much acting needed for that , in my case , ha ha ) The ad was made , and shown in places like , hospitals and libraries . Several people recognized me and mentioned to me that they had seen me on TV . I was made - up . I also saw the ad , one day , when I was waiting in a hospital waiting room . Sadly , I never did get a job from my volunteering efforts . It might have helped if I had been younger , but I was 51 , and had not worked for many years . I also had disabilities which , I think , stopped the prospective employers . They didn 't admit that though , they just said I didn 't have the relevant experience . They would not have been allowed to refuse me because of disability , so they made something up that they could get away with . A receptionist job would have suited me , and I could have been earning money again , but it was not to be . I tried for two years and was rejected by employers , every time . Then , when the government started to clamp down on the benefits , they picked on the disabled , and I lost my benefit , so Alan and I exist on very little money . My husband Alan worked hard as a binman . It wrecked his body in the end and he developed Asthma from all of the dust he breathed in , yet he hardly gets anything for us to live on . We think it is grossly unfair . This is one reason why I will take any opportunity I can get , to put myself out there as a performer . I am a trained singer and actress , not only that , I am bloody good at both those things . I don 't say that to be boastful . Someone who has taken the knock - backs I have , is not able to be boastful , but I hope that , maybe , just maybe , even at my age , there may be chances for me to be a professional , and earn some money . Therefore , bring - it - on . I 'll put myself out there , with any chance I can get in the hopes that opportunities might come my way . However , having said that , there is another difficulty I face , if I want a professional career . I have no transport . Last night , to go to the club , Alan and I got a taxi . That was okay , but we couldn 't make a habit of it , for the reasons mentioned above . So if I did work professionally , I would have to earn enough to pay for the taxis to where I needed to go . It 's such a pain in the butt ! Last night , the winner of the evening was a lady called Sue . She writes the most lovely poetry and was a worthy winner . I took a picture of her on my phone , but I don 't know how to transfer images from my phone , to the computer . If I had taken the picture on my tablet I could have transferred it , but for some reason , my phone won 't allow me to use a USB , and I don 't know how to use Bluetooth . My phone is capable of accessing the internet , but it 's only on a PAYG card , because I can 't afford a contract , so I can 't share photos by the internet . I will take any advice I can get . I am better with technology than I used to be . For the first time I have figured out how to add a link to this blog . All hail Marilyn ! So I am capable of learning new things , even at my age . The next story night is about a tricky situation . I think I know what I am going to do . I think it will be another song . More on that in another post . I did promise to write the story of my grandparents on this blog . It is the story I shared last night , but I got side - tracked today because of the filming , so I 'll share it in a later blog . For now , I 'll sign off . Enjoy the post and I will post again soon . Love from Mari Tagged StorytellerLeave a comment Spring Is Nearly Sprung ! February 26 , 2017February 26 , 2017 by mari9405 , posted in Memories I really like this time of year . It is still the Winter , but the nights are drawing out and everything starts to look brighter . The snowdrops and crocuses begin to appear , and we start to think that Spring is just around the corner . This Winter , I have been so glad I live in Manchester . We have had much better weather than many areas of the UK . We have had only had a slight dusting of snow , which didn 't last long , and no ice . I hate the ice , because I don 't have good balance at the best of times , and the ice makes me too afraid to venture outside . I had an Auntie , named Betty , who I always remember at this time of year . Auntie Betty loved the sunshine . I think if she could have lived in a hot country , she would have . When February came along , she would go out to her garden and look for buds on the hedge . When she spotted them , she would be so happy . But Betty could not go and live in the sunshine , because she looked after her aged mother . Her mother was an Irish woman whom we all called Nana . Nana died in 1974 , aged 91 , and she had never lost her Irish accent , or her love of that green isle . This brings me neatly onto the storyteller 's club which I go to . We meet again on the 13th of February , and the theme will be " Tales From The Emerald Isle " . I don 't know any Irish folk tales , or anything like that , but my Nana 's story , of being a young Irish immigrant and what happened to her after she came England , is a fascinating story , and I will share that story on the night . It 's actually very romantic . I will write the story on here , after I have told it at storytellers . One aspect of the story , which I will share on here today , is about my Nana 's father , William Wright . He was a sailor , until he decided to give up the sea for the sake of his family . That is when he moved them all to England , as there were better job prospects here , for him . However , when he was a merchant sailor , he actually served on the famous clipper ship , ' The Cutty Sark ' , so there is important history in my family of which I am very proud . In the house where I grew up , we actually had Great Granddad 's old sea chest in our spare room . My mum used to hide , mine and my sister 's Christmas Presents in it when we were children . So I hope you have found this interesting . I will post again soon . Love from Marilyn ( I call myself by my full name , Marilyn Mastin , as a storyteller ) When I was twenty , I was a lonely girl . I had a good family , but no friends . I could not keep up with people my own age , and I was not a pretty girl . I was , what people would describe as , " plain " . I could not grow my hair , as it was affected by all my medication . I used to have it permed , so that it looked like there was more of it than there was , but because it was so thin , if I tried to grow it , it looked like rat 's tails . All of the handsome boys who worked in the same place as me , used to make a bee - line for the pretty girls , with lustrous long locks . They ignored me and I used to feel so upset . When I occasionally , did have a date , they would take me out once , and then not ask me again . They would never give me an explanation . I think that , maybe , they had taken me out for a bet . I met Alan when I joined a Singles Club in Altrincham . In the old days , if you wanted to meet someone , you had to go out and meet them . You did not join dating websites or facebook , you joined Singles Clubs . This particular club , met in a pub called the Moss Trooper , and it was there , that I met Alan . He had been very lonely too . He had lost both his parents and lived alone . We needed each other , and soon realized that we were each other 's soulmate . We were married in 1981 . Another reason to not fear getting older , is that you never know what is around the corner . This time last year I was doing nothing except staying in the house , but I began to go out and I joined a craft group , then a creative writing group , and from the creative writing group , I had an opportunity to join a Storyteller 's club . I mentioned this in a previous post . I began to perform , which is something I have always loved to do . Last month I won the heat . I was ' Storyteller of the Month ' and I won an engraved keyring . I will be headlining at the next Storyteller 's meeting , next Monday Night . I have a story to tell , and will sing a Mika song , called ' Hurts ' , which fits in well with the Love and Hate theme . And for anyone who is alone , this Valentine 's Day . There is someone for everyone , so don 't despair . Love to everyone , from Mari Leave a comment Don 't Mind The Gap January 16 , 2017January 17 , 2017 by mari9405 , posted in Creationism , Uncategorized When I started this blog , I thought of it as an adventure . Not just for me , but for anyone reading it . I don 't really plan what I 'm going to write about . As a disabled person , maybe I will write about my struggles with rare disabling conditions . As an older woman , maybe I will post about something from my past . As a Christian and a woman of deep faith , I might talk about the things of faith that matter to me . So now I have heard God 's voice in my heart . I believe he wants me to share something else . It is something I found out , by chance ( or design ) some time ago , and it answered some questions which had always puzzled me , about the creation story , told in Genesis . The first puzzling thing , is something that puzzles many people . The Bible only goes back a few thousand years , yet the Earth is supposed to be millions of years old . Science proves this , but whenever I have questioned this in the past , I have received one of two replies . The first reply states that , yes , the Earth is very old , so the six days of creation are not to be taken literally . They always quote the " a thousand years is but a day to God " , idea , and say that the writer just simplified things for the reader . The second reply I always got is that the Bible speaks the absolute truth , and that God took just six days to make the Earth . They maintain that it 's the science which is wrong . Some people even go so far as to suggest that if dinosaurs roamed the Earth , they were here at the same time as man , which goes against everything in the fossil record . Another thing which always puzzled me about the story , is the appearance of Satan . When he appears to Eve in Genesis , Chapter 3 , he is already a bad guy , yet in Isaiah 14 : 12 - 20 , we read that he was in Heaven , but he wanted to become higher than God , so God cast him out of Heaven , but if the universe , and the Earth itself , were still brand new , at that point , when did that happen ? It makes no sense . One day I was reading something in a pamphlet , just flicking through , and something caught my eye . I began to read , and have you ever experienced a feeling when , you find something out , and a light comes on in your head ? It illuminates your thoughts and joins them together , and suddenly everything makes sense ? So here is what I found out . Yes , the Earth is millions of years old . Verse 1 of Genesis states that God created the heavens and the Earth . Christians are always taught that those two verses run concurrently , but if they do they make no sense . If God created the Earth , as it clearly states , in verse 1 , then why is it not a viable planet in verse 2 ? Why is it without form or void ( as some versions of The Bible State ) ? The answer is simple . The verses do not run concurrently , they are millions of years apart . There is a gap of an indeterminable size between the two verses . The Hebrew word for " was " , is the same as for , " became " , so if the Earth " became " without form or void , that indicates that the Earth was there , perfectly fine , supporting dinosaurs and other living things , until something terrible happened which destroyed it again . Basically , what God did , during the six days , was repair a broken planet and get it ready to receive life again . So when the Bible says that God took six days to make the Earth , it is true . The Earth as we know it was completed , and all living things were in place , within six days . So what of Satan ? It 's quite simple really . The war between Satan and his followers , and God and his angels , was a cataclysmic event . It is the event which destroyed The Earth between the first two verses , and left it without form or void . . Some people say that this theory , which is known as , ' The Gap Theory ' , or ' Ruin - Restoration - Creationism ' , isn 't true , because if it was , it would have been mentioned in The Bible . But very often , The Bible leaves out details of a story , such as the childhoods of Jesus and Moses . We don 't know why some things are included and others aren 't . The other argument against it says that sin entered the world with the fall of Adam and Eve , but if the earth was already there , sin would have entered with the fall of Satan . But I suggest that , as Satan is a spirit being , he doesn 't count as a physical person . I also think that when God re - made the Earth , he chose to give it a completely fresh start . He hoped mankind would not be tempted by Satan . When mankind did become corrupt , he considered destroying The Earth again with a flood , but in the end , he left a few survivors to begin again . This proves to me that God did want our planet to exist and thrive . He knows we are not perfect , but he did have a plan in mind for our salvation . His own son Jesus . So I hope you have found this post interesting . Here is something for you to look at , about what I have touched upon in this post . Until next time , may God bless you all . Love from Mari Last evening , I was looking on Sky Movies , for something to watch for a few hours , and I found , The Sound of Music . The thing about this film , for me , is that it is full of memories . I would like to share them with you . At the time , we did not have colour TV at home , and I had only been to the pictures once before . My mum and Dad , you see , did not have much money , and did not believe in wasting it on going to the pictures . They preferred to take us out in the fresh air , but I always longed to go to the pictures . When I heard about The Sound of Music , I longed to see it . I had a cousin called Angela , who was married to a wonderful man called Norman . One day they came to Auntie Betty 's home , while I was there , and invited her , and me , to go and see the film . I was ecstatic ! I would be going out at night , in Norman 's car , to see a film I longed to see . I felt wonderful . It was a magical experience . From the first shots of the mountains as the helicopter sweeps across the landscape , getting lower all the time until it zooms towards Julie Andrews , singing the title song , to the final shot of the family escaping over the mountains , to Switzerland , I was enthralled . I remember hating The Baroness , who tried to come between The Captain and Maria , and I was really glad when she left and The Captain and Maria got married . I was really excited when they were hiding from The Germans , and happy when they got away . The second time I saw it was with my mum and sister , after Norman had died . I loved seeing the film again , and this time , I had a bit more sympathy for The Baroness . Despite her wealth , she was really a lonely woman , who thought she had met the man who would end her loneliness . She loved him truly , and then had to watch him fall passionately for a younger woman . I could , at last , see her point of view . How she tried to get rid of her rival , and when she knew her cause was lost , she left with grace and dignity . Over the years of watching the film . I grew to think that , maybe , she was the character who was the most real of all of them . I saw The Sound of Music again , on a date when I was nineteen . Once again it was magical , but the relationship with that particular guy , proved to be less so . We didn 't stay together . I have seen the movie many more times with Alan and other members of my family , on the television . It still holds great power , and I always love it . When I see it , I am once again with Norman , Angela and Betty , all deceased now , and I always feel that God is also in the movie . It is one I know he would approve of . Tagged The Sound of MusicLeave a comment Potterness is not against Godliness December 5 , 2016December 5 , 2016 by mari9405 , posted in Uncategorized Hello again . For those of you who have been keeping up with my blog , you will know I am a Christian . Therefore , you may be surprised to learn that I am really looking forward to tomorrow . I am going to see the new Harry Potter spin - off movie , ' Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them ' . Alan and I have been to several churches , as I mentioned in a previous post , and we never fitted in anywhere . I remember the pastor of one such church , breaking a DVD of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets , by jumping on it . I kid you not . The sharp bits of the DVD were flying everywhere and could have easily gone into someone 's eyes ! I 'd say that was more dangerous than Harry Potter is . Well in my opinion , they see how popular it is , and they think it is spreading the idea of The Devil 's Black Magic around the world . But like so many fundamental ideas , they judge it , without looking into what Harry Potter is really all about . If they really studied the magical universe created by the visionary author , J . K . Rowling , they wouldn 't see so many differences , they would see many similarities . From the very start of the first story , ' Harry Potter and the Philosopher 's Stone ' , we are introduced to a world of magic , which exists alongside our own . Non magical people , known as ' Muggles ' , do not know this magical world exists . They don 't have the combination , to make the bricks part , so they can enter the alleyway , where all the magical shops are . They can 't enter The Ministry of Magic and they can 't get onto Platform 9 & 3 / 4 to board the Hogwarts Express . They don 't understand that there are good magical people , fighting the forces of evil , which is happening all around them . I believe that too . I think that the spirit world is in exactly the same place as this world , but because we are trapped , at the moment , inside our physical bodies , we cannot access the spirit dimension . We walk this world , mostly unaware of the spirits who are all around us , and we don 't see how they , and Christ himself , are guiding and protecting us . So in a way , there is a magical world out there , which is not too dissimilar to the magical world in the Potter books and movies . There are also many people who believe they have had encounters with angels . Maybe someone has suddenly appeared and pushed them out of the way of a speeding car , or helped them escape from a burning building . The helper then disappears , never to be seen by that person again . They are not wearing tutus and wings . They don 't have halos , but people are convinced they were angels . I also believe that they were . When J . K . Rowling first thought up the world of Harry Potter , I don 't think she was trying to start any kind of religion . I don 't think she thought of it that way , she just wanted to tell a great story . That is all it is , a great story about a fictitious world and made - up characters . But I don 't think her brilliant work deserves to be thought of as unholy , just because the characters are witches and wizards . I think that that is very unfair . The good characters always win against the evil ones , and if people are going to say that Harry Potter is evil , then , in my view , so are movies and books about made - up serial killers and thieves , for aren 't murderers and thieves also sinners ? Couldn 't those films also be promoting evil ? Yet , when we read those books or watch those films , it doesn 't make us into a serial killer of a thief , we just enjoy the story . At the end of the day , a story is a story , and in J . K . Rowling 's case , she created something very special ( in my opinion ) with the Harry Potter franchise . It 's a lot of fun , and fans often say it 's about love , and tolerance , about not judging someone because they are different . I agree with that , and if such positive vibes are created by the world of Harry Potter , how can it possibly be evil ? My own opinion is that God would not be against it . So this is why I love everything to do with Harry Potter and have read all the books and always go and see the movies when they are in the cinema . I am 62 , but I get just as exited as a young girl when I see the films . I am really pleased that there are more ' Fantastic Beasts ' movies to come . first , let me explain something . When my mother was a child , she was a champion swimmer . She used to win every race she entered , and she almost qualified as a lifesaver . She could have become a lifeguard if things had been different . Just as she moved into her teenage years , she began to have trouble with her skin . She developed a weird kind of rash all over her body . By the time I was diagnosed with the genetic condition , Tuberous Sclerosis Complex , my mother had died , so she never knew that her skin problem had happened because she had had the condition , and then had passed it on to me through no fault of her own . Until I was ten years old I had never set foot inside a swimming baths . I had heard my mother 's tales of triumph , when she was young , and had always wanted to go and learn to swim . My Dad could swim , but he was working most of the time and when he wasn 't , he was tired . He had a very hard manual job , laying and maintaining the railway tracks , so when he got home , the last thing he wanted to do was take his daughters to learn to swim . Then came the time when I was due to go to the baths , with the school . I was so excited and someone in the family gave me a swimsuit . I arrived at the baths in Altrincham , got changed and then started to walk down the steps into the water . I don 't know how it happened , but I was suddenly UNDER the water ! I was drowning ! I really thought I was going to die . I seemed to be under for ages and the bubbles of my breath were all around me . Then , a hand gripped me from behind , and I was saved . I never really got over the experience of almost drowning . A few weeks later I was at our local shops when a torrential downpour happened . It was one of those monsoon - like storms that we sometimes get in the Summer time , and the big drops looked , to me , like the bubbles I had seen all around me when I was drowning . I experienced my first panic - attack . Of course , I knew what had caused the attack . I didn 't need a psychologist to tell me it was linked to my experience of almost drowning . But , for a time , I was furious inside . I blamed my mum and dad . I felt that if Mum had not been bothered about her skin problem , and had taken me to learn to swim when I was younger , I would not have had that drowning incident . I also felt that my Dad had let me down . He could have taken me instead . The thing is that , because , my first time in the baths had been with my class at school , no one had noticed me going under . There were so many children , they couldn 't see them all at once . If my first time had been with my mother , or father , both strong swimmers , the incident would not have happened . If I had slipped under , they would have just pulled me back up quickly , and I would have been okay . Of course , I learned to put the incident in the past , but it left me with two longtime effects . I can not go out in monsoon - like rain . If I am outside , and caught in a sudden downpour , I have a panic - attack . I have also , never learned to swim . However , I did force myself to go into the water , so that I could take my son . After he was born I swore that he would learn to swim , and I took him into the swimming baths myself . Then , when he was five years old , I took him for lessons , and he did learn to swim , even though he hates it . But I know that if he fell into some water , he would be okay . I did not continue to be angry at my parents . I think every parent looks back and wishes they had done something different . My parents were fine people who did their best in difficult conditions . Neither of them were healthy . Mum had undiagnosed Tuberous Sclerosis Complex , and Dad had a very bad stomach ulcer which affected his health badly . They both , also developed heart problems which killed them both , in the end . Tagged panic - attacks , Swimming , Tuberous SclerosisLeave a comment A Man Who Is Forever Golden November 7 , 2016January 19 , 2017 by mari9405 , posted in Uncategorized Hello again . I hope , if you are reading my blog posts , that I am keeping them interesting . I like to write about many different things . If you have been reading my posts , you will know that I rely a lot on voices . I don 't recognize faces , but voices , I can recognize . However , there was a time when I heard a voice I did not recognize and I was desperate to know who that voice belonged to . When I found out the identity of the man with the golden voice , it kind - of changed my life . I was working in a charity shop at the time . It was 2007 , and it was the year of the big floods in the UK , but I heard a man singing on the radio , and it was like , he brought the sun with him , in his voice . I knew I had never heard his voice before , or the lovely song he was singing , but I knew , I had to find out who he was . Let 's cut a long story short . I learned that his full name is Michael Holbrook Penniman Junior . He is half American , and half Lebanese and his home is in the UK . All of this is encapsulated in one short word . His was the voice I was listening to . Until that time I had never heard of Mika , but he had already had a huge hit with a song called ' Grace Kelly ' . I had been listening to his 2nd UK hit , ' Love Today ' . Of course , I got onto the computer at home and looked him up . I saw different concerts he had performed , on You Tube , and I became a huge fan of this charismatic , curly - haired young man , with the beautiful smile and stratespheric vocals . In 2007 , Mika was very well known in the UK . His first album , ' Life In Cartoon Motion ' , sold over 6 million copies worldwide . He won four World Music Awards , that year , and it seemed his career was really taking off . I envisioned him performing in The O2 in London before too long , but sadly , that never happened . First , he was a bit of a loose cannon . He wanted to make the kinds of music which suited him . He wasn 't interested in the commercial aspect of the pop industry . He wrote his own music so he could not bring out his albums as quickly as someone who could get someone else to write their songs and the people he collaborated with , in the early days , were not well known . . For some reason The Powers That Be , and the media , made a big thing about the people who had influenced Mika 's music . People like Elton John and Freddie Mercury , who he was always being compared to . But the thing is , every pop star is influenced by someone who came before , but usually no one bothers about those influences . With Mika , however , people were always writing that he was channeling Freddie Mercury , or that his music had this , or that , influence . No one gave him credit for the wonderful songs he wrote and sang . To be honest . I think Mika 's music is unique and it 's a shame the whole world does not hear it . If he had said those three little words , they may not have been so hard on him . But Mika would not say them . For heavens sake ! It was none of anyone 's business . Of course his fans had mostly guessed , and we were fine about it , but Mika took his time . He was not going to come - out to order . He came out when the time was right for him to do it . By the time he came out , in 2012 , the UK press were no longer interested in him , so it 's possible that UK people who were not following Mika 's career , did not know that he finally said that he is gay . He has a long - time partner and his song ' Origin of Love ' , from his third album ' The Origin of Love ' is dedicated to the man Mika loves . Actually , Mika is the gay icon that the world 's gay population do not seem to know exists . His music was always influenced by his sexuality , and songs like ' Billy Brown ' , from the album ' Life In Cartoon Motion ' , and ' Toy Boy ' , from the second album , ' The Boy Who Knew Too Much ' , are very obviously about gay relationships . But in his fourth album , ' No Place In Heaven ' , there is a song called ' Good Guys ' , and it has a line which says . " Where have all the gay guys gone ? " It 's about all of the gay guys who influenced Mika when he was young . He also never managed to break America . If a UK act breaks America it garners great respect for them in the UK . Adele and One Direction broke into the American market and the UK media were thrilled about it , but Mika never managed to make it big in The States . American radio did play Grace Kelly , but there is a line in it where Mika says " I tried to be like Grace Kelly , " and the DJs thought he wanted to be a woman , so they wouldn 't play the song enough to make it a hit in the US . It didn 't occur to them that the song is metaphoric , not literal . It is , in fact , a wonderful song about finding one 's own place in the world . Not being dictated to by other people . Mika , who is multi - lingual , has spent the last few years judging The X factor in Italy , and The voice , in France . He has also hosted an occasional radio series in the UK , called ' The Art Of Song ' , where he plays the songs of the artists which have meant something to him over the years . He plays a wide variety of wonderful music on the show , and also performs some of them himself , at a piano , donated by Elton John . I urge you all to look up this wonderful , sadly overlooked singer - songwriter . You will not be sorry if you do . Like he did for me , he will put the sunshine into your life . Text Widget This is a text widget . The Text Widget allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use a text widget to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer .
|
Paul DiNioa , the superintendent of my apartment building , , my godfather and my mentor , stood up from his workbench and walked toward me as I held the phone out to him . He was the strongest man I 've ever seen . Built like a truck , with forearms and hands that could crush a stone , I was always in awe of his strength and silent steely gaze . An immigrant from Italy with a zest for life and unwavering love for his family ( and me ) this man was very well respected in the neighborhood as a capable and successful jack of all trades . I watched as he took the phone into his hand looked at me , and then spoke in a soft controlled voice with his heavy Italian accent , a sound that I can still hear to this very day . " Mr . Mayor , so nice to hear from you again sir . " Yes , sir I do remember that I told you to call me if you needed my help . Yes sir I am always willing to help . Hmm I see , yes sir , I can be there in a few minutes . Yes sir I will do my best , I know my city is counting on me . I 'm on my way sir , you 're welcome , goodbye sir . " I gathered up the usual tools that Paul used in these situations . His trusty measuring tape , an assortment of wrenches and screwdrivers and of course Paul 's favorite tool of all , " The Goesinta " . It 's actually only a hammer but Paul used to say that if something needed a little help , hit it hard with the hammer . The hammer makes " this goes into that " . The Goesinta " I threw the bag over my shoulder and raced outside to the street where we kept our vehicle . As I climbed the steps from the alleyway to the street , I remembered all the times I used to play in this alleyway with Paul 's children . We all grew up together in this apartment building and spent most of every waking moment with each other . Paul was the superintendent , my family and I lived on the 3rd floor . Our apartment building had so many other families and we all got along , it was a great place to be a kid . As I reached the top of the stairs I could see the wheels of The Rambler . With its majestic sleek lines and the curves of its strong and reliable body . Its gray color came into view and as I made my way around the front of the car I reached out and touched the chrome emblem on its hood . It was our good luck charm and I rubbed that emblem every time we went out on a call . I opened the door and hopped inside while I watched Paul gracefully leap up the alleyway steps and as usual he slid across the front hood , landed perfectly and jumped inside the car . He looked at me and smiled as he turned the key in the ignition we felt the old engine come to life . Paul had spent countless hours working under the hood of this car . He practically rebuilt the entire car himself . I helped of course , he always taught me how to tune the engine , replace brake pads and anything else that we could do ourselves . His feeling was that why we would have someone else do what we were capable of doing . I believed that fully and still pass that on to my own children . I hope they 'll be as self sufficient as he taught me to be . Paul looked at me and said , " Stephen buckle in , we have to get to an apartment building on Seaman Ave , right away . There 's a water main leak and The Mayor is afraid that if we don 't get the leak under control the entire city could flood , it 's up to us . " Paul threw The Rambler into first gear and as I listened to the screeching tires and smelt the burning rubber of the white walls . I was again reminded of how very lucky I was to have this man in my life . I watched out the window of the Rambler at the passing cars and street signs . All the other kids in the neighborhood saw me and I know deep down they all wished it was them sitting in my seat . All of them knew of the man called The Super . They knew of his heroic escapades . He was the talk of all the other superintendents in the city . He did it all , and when they needed help , they always called him . " There 's the building , " he said pointing to an apartment building down the block . I didn 't have to know the number of the building ; it was clear that we had arrived at the right one . There were crowds of people standing around in the street while the tenants were streaming out of the building soaking wet and terrified . A policeman moved away a barricade when he saw that it was Paul in his trademark Rambler automobile . " Okay hurry now , it looks like we don 't have much time . If we don 't fix this leak soon , you and I both will be out of a job . And , our neighborhood will be called Swimwood not Inwood . " He patted me on the back and off I went to the basement . I caught a glimpse of him as he ran into the front door of the building , he showed no fear , only determination to get the job done . I was in the basement and in position near the boiler room when I heard a huge roar coming down the dumbwaiter shaft . " It must be the water overflowing " . I went to the alleyway and looked up towards the second floor . There was Paul pushing with all his strength against a steel door on the second floor landing . I could see him holding the door with one hand while reaching over with the other to slide a thick metal bar to keep the door closed . I turned just in time to see a wall of water rushing towards me . The water from the dumbwaiter was my last thought as I was swept into the alleyway . Smashing me into metal garbage cans , the water was rising now and as it did I took me with it . I was getting tangled up in the clothes lines that hung there . Paul saw this and yelled for me to hang on . I was trying to but the water was stronger . One of the clotheslines was hanging loose and I kept trying to grab it as it fished like a snake in the rushing water . I almost had a few times and I felt myself getting weaker and going under . GO LUCY , why would Paul be yelling that ? Then it came clearer to me . I pushed myself out of the waters pull one last time . I could see Paul in a window , he was pointing to something in the water . Something that was coming directly towards me . It was Lucky , the DiNioa 's black dog . Lucky was swimming towards me with the clothesline in her teeth . I reached out and took the line . Wrapping it around my hand and with Lucky safely in my other arm , Paul pulled us both to the window where he stood . We all ran towards the basement where I had left Paul 's tool bag . There it was right where I left it , thank god . Paul grabbed the bag and we all sprinted towards the boiler room . When we got there he pointed up at a massive steering wheel looking thing . " That 's the main for the water pressure . We need to get there and shut that down , " he said as the water was starting to puddle up around my already soaking wet Pro Keds . " When I get to the top , you need to throw me the tool bag , it 's too much for me to climb and carry the bag . " I took the canvas tool bag in both hands . Swinging it thru my open legs I gathered enough momentum and heaved it in the air towards Paul . The bag sailed higher and higher . Paul reached out one hand and with his very fingertips he touched the wet canvas handle of the tool bag . Just then the water exploded into the air and Paul was thrown from where he was . Lucky and I stood there unable to do anything , I was sure that he had been knocked off the top of the boiler ; I listened for the sound of his body landing near us . Squinting thru tear and water soaked eyes ; I painfully looked up at the spot where I last saw him . With his trademark smile always warm , bright and reassuring , he winked at Lucky and I as he swang the Goesinta at the rusty steel wheel . I could see the bulging muscles of his bicep . His arm swung at the steel like he was playing a musical instrument . Slowly at first then with increasing speed the wheel started to turn . The water was slowing down , till finally with one last might swing of the Goesinta the last drop of water fell . I picked up the wet tool bag as he came over and ruffled my wet hair . Lucky did a gigantic dog shake and almost knocked herself off her own feet . Paul and I both laughed as we walked out of the basement and into the bright sunshine . We all knew someone that worked in the towers . They were brokers , electricians , secretaries . And when the call came for first responders , we also knew those that arrived , by the thousands . Rushing into a warzone where only moments before was filled with coffee and newspaper vendors and morning pleasantries between co - workers . And all through the days and nights that followed , thousands more civilians arrived , so many in fact that some were turned away due to health concerns of the rapidly spreading and deadly asbestos poison that was filling the air . There were moments of hope as someone would shout . " WE FOUND A SURVIVOR " The entire site would come to dead halt with a silence that could be heard to the heavens . Once again it would be a false alarm . Days turned into weeks and still the fires would burn and smolder . My younger brother Christopher has been a New York City firefighter for 24 years now and was at Ground Zero until the very last fire detail was removed . He then spent the next several years going to every single fallen firefighter 's funeral he could physically attend . My brother , my hero spent the next 3 years attending funerals . While he was working Ground HERO , Chris found few artifacts , and as a dutiful American he notified the American Red Cross . He found a key pad from a telephone , a corner of one of the hundreds of thousands of windows , AND he found an American Flag . The Flag was shredded and torn , with the colors bleeding in spots . My brother My hero , was not able to save any one single life ( on that day anyway ) but he did save The Flag . The Red Cross said that The Flag should be sent to one of their hazardous waste disposal facilities to remove and treat The Flag for asbestos . Chris boxed and sent The Flag to the Red Cross and went about his normal duties . Covering shifts for the now very short staffed fire houses all around the city , and whenever he could he work as many all the holidays possible so firefighters with little kids could be home with their families . Weeks became months became years . The Red Cross contacted Chris and told him that HIS Flag was now safe of all containments and that they would ship it to him . He said , " My Flag , oh no , I found it at Ground Zero , it belongs to the folks there . " Their reply was that since HE found it it was legally his property . They sent The Flag to his firehouse . Chris and his brothers were in awe and they as brothers decided that The Flag should be shared by all . The flag came from the 130 - foot ( 40 m ) yacht named Star of America , owned by Shirley Dreifus of the Majestic Star , which was docked in the yacht basin in the Hudson River at the World Financial Center . McWilliams cut the yardarm off of the yacht with a K - Saw and then took the flag and its pole from the yacht to an evacuation area on the northwest side of the site . They found a pole about 20 feet ( 6 m ) off the ground . The flag has since disappeared . The city thought it had possession of the flag after the attack , Rudolph Giuliani and George Pataki signed it , and the flag flew at the New York City Hall , Yankee Stadium , and the USS Theodore Roosevelt ( CVN - 71 ) during its service in the Mideast . However , when the flag 's owner prepared to formally donate the flag it was discovered that there was a size discrepancy : while the yacht 's flag measured four feet by six feet , the flag the city had in its possession measured five feet by eight feet . [ 2 ] As of 2013 , the flag has yet to be found . The owner , Shirley Dreifus , has started a Web site ( www . findthe911flag . com ) in an effort to get the flag back . [ 3 ] A 2013 CNNdocumentary film , The Flag , investigates the mystery of this missing 9 / 11 icon . [ 4 ] We were stunned to say the least . Word got out about The Flag and my brother and his fellow firefighters soon became inundated with calls from all over the country about The Flag . He was even offered $ 500 , 000 from someone who wanted to sell The Flag on ebay . Another year older and another year wiser , does that sound familiar ? Yeah well , that statement didn 't apply to me at all , ever . In fact I do believe my choices and logical thinking got worse . Here 's an example ; One summer night my good buddy Bobby and I were drinking in one of our locals pubs . And just like all good summer nights , we were once again very very drunk . By 3am on this particular night we had reached the point of being so drunk , you can sit and talk about anything at all and every word out of your mouth is profound . Bobby had just ended a long term relationship with Cathy . Up until that very week the two of them were freaking inseparable , totally , totally in love . Something happened and they broke up , why , it doesn 't really matter does it ? She was now dating this other guy and that was the end of it for Bobby and Cathy . So on this summer night , Bobby and I were determined to drink " his " pain away . Bobby was in a lot of pain and I was just helping him thru the pain . Actually it was me and a bottle of whiskey helping him through the pain . Try as I might , he just wasn 't going to let it go . He couldn 't handle her being with someone else . He wasn 't up to being consoled . The whiskey , drugs and smoke just wasn 't doing it that night . His heart had been broken and he needed to set things right . And when you 're as drunk as we were that night you had to believe you can make things right , at least till you sobered up . Instead of letting this go , Bobby said " I need to see her right now , this minute . " So like the true drunk Irishman we were we came up with " THE PLAN . " A plan to end all plans , the most magnificent of all the ideas ever conceived in all of time . Until now , all other plans since the dawn of time were meaningless and could not hold a candle to our plan . I sat in awe drinking my beer and smoking as Bobby talked of this plan and of all the reasons why his master plan would work . Phase IV - Using my incredible beer muscles , I will gently lower Bobby over the roof edge ( six stories up mind you ) . He will then scale the side of the building till he arrives at her bedroom window . He will then quietly and expertly climb into her bedroom . Then profess his love for her . She will fall madly " Back in love " with him and all will be as it should . We located the section of the roof that was directly above Cathy 's window and proceeded to tie one end of the rope around my waist . Then Bobby takes his end of the rope and ties a knot around his waist . We drink a few beers to toast what will be the obvious success of this brilliant plan as he makes his way to the rooftop edge . Not once did we ever think this was a bad idea . Not once did we think that Bobby could DIE . Bobby straddles the roof edge while I stand about 30 feet from the edge . The one thing we were sure of was that the rope needed to be taught before Bobby goes over the edge of the building , too much slack could result in Bobby falling too fast and possibly dragging me over the rooftop with him . If that was to happen , we would both be splattered into the concrete pavement of the alleyway 75 feet below ? The ultimate end result would mean that we could drink NO MORE . And that my dear reader is not an option for Irishmen from Inwood . So , I get in position and grabbed hold of my end of the rope . I lean slightly backwards to give the rope even less slack as Bobby puts one leg then the other over the rooftop and slides off like those SWAT guys do in the movies . We had it all figured out , right ? Well the one thing we didn 't plan on was the dead weight I would be carrying once Bobby was hanging in the air hanging . The second his weight pulled on the rope it yanked me towards the roofs edge so quickly that I never had a chance to get my footing . As he began a freefall downward I tried to gain my balance and footing . I could not and my body was dragged to the edge , luckily there was a 3 foot high brick parapet around the perimeter of the roof . I slammed head first into that wall and for a moment I didn 't feel any pull on the other end of the rope . Had Bobby fallen ? Did his rope become untied ? I hadn 't heard the thud of his body hitting the concrete ; I actually knew what that would sound like . Shaking the cobwebs from my head that hit the brick wall , I was able to slowly sit up . Now I could feel his weight I could hear the rope as it stretched over the roofs edge . I could hear the scrapping of his body as it brushed the brick of the building below . Bobby had dropped almost 20 feet at the same speed that I had been dragged . He slammed into the side of the building . The rope swayed right and left . Somehow it slowed down its swinging and settled . I am now holding onto a very heavy Bobby on a rope . Man that was close , I plop down onto the rooftop and with y back against the parapet wall I crack open a beer and spark up a joint . As I 'm enjoying myself and catching my breath from nearly dying a sudden thought occurred to me . We never talked about how the hell he was going to get back up to the roof ? Oh well , I guess we 'll figure something out when the time comes . I drink a few more beers and eventually fall asleep with my end of the rope still hanging over the roof edge . The next thing I remember is Bobby standing over me saying , " OB get up let 's go , come on lets go . " I look up at Bobby , amazed that he is standing there over me . We grab our rope and what 's left of our dignity and started to walk across the roof towards the stairwell . I look around the roof and it dawned on me that we both could have , should have died here tonight , it was so close . As we walk down the many many stairs out of the building and into the city night I said to Bobby , " So how did it go ? Did you tell her that you loved her and how you want her back ? " " After I stepped off the roof edge and slammed into the side of the building wall and after I finally stopped swinging back and forth . I thought to myself , this might have been a bad idea . But what the hell , I 'm here now right ? So I had no choice but to climb into Cathy 's window at the very least to just save my ass . Once inside her room I crept over to her bed to awaken the girl that I love . I was going to tell her that we were meant to be together forever , that my love for her was endless . As I looked down at her angelic sleeping face and the soft bed that I had known so well . I noticed that there were 4 not 2 feet and the end of the bed . She had another man in her bed . SHIT , now what ? So I sat there on the bedroom floor for a moment to get my head together . I came to a conclusion . After what I just did for her , hanging off the roof like that , " well hell she just didn 't deserve me . " So I sneaked through her apartment and out the front door . " There was this dream I had last night . One of many dreams last night in fact . In some of my dreams I 'm a hero , saving the less heroic . I 'm sure I would be a real hero in real life if I ever called upon . Yet this one dream last night was about " her , " or maybe it was really about " me . " Maybe me and her , oh hell , the truth is the dream was about MY HEART . MY HEART ; the very interior of MY HEART . I found myself actually inside of my own heart . What a sensation it was to know that I am inside of myself . Not in the typical way . This was different , much different I was inside the very thing that keeps me / us alive . Was this really a dream ? I can feel the vibrating red walls ; I can hear the deafening beating and drumming of MY HEART . As I look in wonder around at this majestic new prison cell I am in , I wonder if I will ever be able to leave , if I will ever awaken and once again be outside of me . Will I want to ? I reach out to touch the delicious looking milky red walls of MY HEART and as I do it shakes and retreats away from me . I don 't understand why is MY HEART pulling away from me ? I reach again and once again MY HEART withdraws from my touch . What have I done , why does MY HEART not want MY touch ? Suddenly I feel the sensation of falling . I 'm falling ! Not just me , everything IN HERE is dropping , falling downward , and spiraling out of control . I can 't hold onto anything because MY HEART continues to elude me as I struggle to grab something . Faster and faster MY HEART sinks , deeper it and I go , but to where ? Part of me wants to wake up and have this dream become nightmare over with . But NO I want to stop this falling ; I want to help MY HEART . My ears are now bombarded with the sound of the red milky walls cracking and splitting open . The sound is horrible ; it 's like a wailing or crying . The sound won 't stop , and as I fall faster towards I don 't know where , the crying is all around . I notice that there is now no beating in MY HEART only the cracking and now a gurgling sound , as if MY HEART was drowning . I feel the rain as it showers down upon me , only it 's not rain , its , its TEARS . MY HEART is crying and gurgling on its / MY tears . Falling , gurgling , and spiraling . I try to scream but no sound comes out of my mouth . I reach up to touch my mouth my lips but there is nothing there . No lips , no opening . I try to look at my hands , but I cannot see . It was July 1977 ; I just turned 18 years old . For most kids my age it was time for proms and enjoying the last summer before going to college . For some that might be a milestone , for me it meant that I was now walking on the thinnest of ice . I was now old enough to be charged as an adult for any crimes I would commit from this day forward . " SHIT SHIT SHIT , I 'm going to be late . I hate being late when I have to meet him , " I was thinking to myself . I was walking fast , maybe sort of running actually . I had to meet Mr . J . That 's what everybody called him . I remember his real name but it doesn 't matter now so we 'll stick with Mr . J . He was this big drug dealer in our neighborhood . He always had pot , coke , smack , if you could name it Mr . J sold it . He never actually dealt drugs himself . He always had younger guys carrying and selling drugs for him . I was one of those younger guys , and right now I was late for a meeting with Mr . J , shit I hate being late . It was around 3pm and it was hot and sticky today . Just a few days had passed since the great blackout of 1977 in New York City . The entire city was without power . Every traffic light , every store , and every single city power was out for more than 24 hours . There were over 1 , 000 fires set by looters and rioters . It was also The Summer of Sam . Sam was this physco nutjob running around shooting and killing lovers while they were kissing in their parked cars . Crazy , crazy shit happened that summer . The day after the blackout me and this buddy of mine named Ray made these t - shirts that said " I Survived the 1977 NYC Blackout " . We made them in all sizes and colors , Ray and I sold a shitload of theses shirts at $ 5 . 00 a piece . My day started like this ; Mr . J said I had to go handle this big pot delivery coming into the bus terminal . I figured no problem ; I 'll just go to midtown Manhattan and sell some t - shirts while I wait for the bus to come in . I sold a lot of shirts that day and still had a bunch of them stuffed in these two brown paper bags when I went to meet the pot delivery . I hustled over to The Port Authority bus terminal at 42nd Street and 8th Ave to meet the courier . After the exchange I went into the terminal bathroom and put the pot in the bottom of my shopping bags and the t - shirts of top of the pot . I then took the A train from 42nd Street to Dyckman Street , where I was to meet Mr . J and his boyfriend . I had always been a good solider for Mr . J . But there was never a good reason to be late . Especially today , today I had a big delivery . In each paper bag I had about 5 pounds of Columbian Gold , the finest and " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " I got off the subway train and was walking up Broadway , I was almost at the corner now and I could see Mr . J leaning up against his big black Cadillac . Even from across the street I could see his smiling eyes . He knew that I had the good stuff and my bags were worth a whole lot of money to him . Then it all happened so fast . The small car in front of the green city bus slammed on his brakes in an attempt to pull into a parking spot . The city bus didn 't have a chance to stop and slammed into the small car . The bus " crushed " the little car into some other parked cars and right behind the bus was that cop car . The cop car screeches to a stop just barely missing the back of the bus . The impact of the bus and car , the screeching tires from the cop and the image of me almost getting hit by something halted me in my tracks . I didn 't move a muscle , I should have but I didn 't . It suddenly occurred to me that I 'm the only person on the street here . I was the single , one and only fucking person on that very corner at that very moment . The cop that was driving and staring at me just moments ago gets out of his car . With his hat in one hand and his other hand scratching his head he sees me trying to indiscreetly cross the street behind his cop car with my two bags of some pot and t - shirts . He runs over and stands in front of me and starts babbling about how , " I WAS THE ONLY GODDAMN WITNESS . " I could see Mr . J waving his hands and trying to get me to walk away , but the goddamn cop was saying " Hold on a second there son , we 're going to need you to write down what you saw . " I was like " Officer I got to go , I 'm late , and I can 't hang around . " The other cop gets out of the car and yells " Just put him in the car , we 'll get his statement down at the station . " I had no choice but to get into the police car or I would be risking the cops getting suspicious . Worse yet , if I ran they would start chasing me and I wasn 't going to get too far with my bags . So I got into the car and off we go , as I look out the rear patrol car window I see Mr . J screaming and waving his arms . Back in the 70 's pot was pretty common . The cops didn 't have drug dogs walking around all the time like they do now . Besides the stuff I as carrying was professionally wrapped and packaged . This wasn 't some amateur operation , Mr . J and his connections took their pot business very serious . I was one of 2 dozens guys that picked up for him on a weekly basis . There were a lot of people who would have trouble seeing me getting into a cop car with their merchandise . He had this clipboard with a sheet of paper with lines on it resembling the intersection . He is talking and making little cars and city buses in his drawing . His eyes were looking downward at the clipboard , it was at this moment that he looks at my shopping bags and says , and " Hey what 's that in your shopping bag ? Are those t - shirts ? He yanks the top one out of my bag before I could react and he holds it up to look at the writing . " These are great shirts kid ; do you have a green one in extra large ? " I 'm freaking dying here as this cop starts reaching in my bag grabbing t - shirts . Before you know it , other cops that are walking by see this happening and they 're stopping and saying , " hey nice t - shirts . " Another cop asks me , " Do you have a red one ? " " I have a son and a daughter do you have any small sizes ? " The cop sitting on the bench with me starts to reach into my bags to sort thru the t - shirts . I barked at him , " I got it for you , I 'll get it , here you go , you want a blue one ? " I finally sell the last shirt to the last freaking cop in that goddamn police station . I lean back against the wooden bench , " Whew that was close . " I look down at my paper bags and I swear to god there must have been only a ½ dozen t - shirts left on each pile of pot in each bag . One more freaking " cop t - shirt rush " and they would have seen " the sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We finish up the accident interview and the cop says to me , " thanks for helping out kid , let me give you a ride back to your neighborhood . " I 'm like " no , no I 'm alright I 'll hop in a cab or take the bus really officer it 's no problem . " So once again I climb into a police car with my two bags of t - shirts and the " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We get back to same intersection where all this just started a few hours ago . And low and behold , still leaning against his big black caddy is Mr . J . This time he 's not smiling , he 's got this real pissed off look on his face like I was a rat or something . Not to mention here I am bringing the cops right to his feet . Never happen , because I 'm no rat and I would never ever skip out on anyone I was doing business with . I finally cross the street to him and I tell him everything that happened . I was waiting for him to pull out a gun and smack the shit out of me but instead he starts laughing , pats me on the head and says " get in the car little dude , let 's get the fuck out of here . " We drive back to his house and we get stoned right until the morning , then I lock myself in the back bedroom so I can sleep in peace . He has a big house and lots of people are always coming and going so he gave this back bedroom to me and another buddy so we could lock it from the inside while we sleep , but that is another story for another time . The envelope was a little bigger than normal ; he opened it up as he walked out of the store . As he was shuffling thru the contents a small cassette tape fell to the street . He looked around to see if anyone on the street had noticed , " Good , no one saw anything , " he thought . He looked at the tape and put it , along with the papers back into the envelope . He then tucked it securely under his arm and walked back to his room . Two steps at a time that 's how he liked to do it , it kept him hard and quick and in shape , quite often his line of work demanded that he be athletic and have stamina . He reached the door to his hotel room and took a moment to check and make sure the little piece of string he had wedged into the door hinge was still there , if it wasn 't then that meant his door had been opened while he was away . You always , always had to be careful in his line of work . Good it was still there , he slipped his key into the door opened it quickly and stepped inside his neatly kept room . He always kept things neat , easy to pick up and go quickly if the need arose . You never know when you might have to leave town in a moment 's notice to do an assignment . He dumped out the contents of the envelope ; spread out the papers , photos , the cash and the cassette tape onto his bed . Looking at the cash he smiled and reached down under his bed and pulled out his duffel bag , he put the cash in the inside pocket and zipped it closed . He sat back and looked at the photos of his target ; The Mark was young and pretty , very pretty . Agent Jones was talking on the phone when that rude dude with the black baseball hat walked past him again without as much as a nod hello . The rude dude went to his mailbox , got an envelope and walked outside the post office . Then the " IDIOT " dropped something on the street right outside his store . He was watching this all take place while listening to the caller on his phone telling him about his latest mark . Agent Jones had been in this business a long time and he knew that there was competition out there . He never actually met the competition but he knew that day would soon come . The caller told him to go and get the envelope with the new mission information in it . Agent Jones took the " out for lunch " sign from under the counter and placed it on the door . He went to get his envelope and then he hurried to the back office , closed and locked the door . He sat at his desk and turned the little lamp on and opened his envelope . The envelope had the usual photos of the mark , this one was young and pretty too . The upfront money that he always insisted and a cassette tape . The note inside instructed him to play the tape at the usual time during the mission . He reached under his desk and took out his duffel bag , placed the information in it and left the store , as he closed the door behind him he turned the sign around so it read " closed for the day . " He must have been thinking of the mission and his driving when he pulled out of the garage . He was almost side swiped by some asshole in a red two seat convertible . He double checked to make sure all other idiots were gone and turned out of the parking garage and into the street where he became just another driver to everyone else . Agent Dexter had memorized the photos of the mark , he remembered every line on her face , how she looked when she smiled and even her hair style , all this had become engrained in his memory . He took the photos and burned them in the trash can back in his hotel room . Always always get rid of anything that might incriminate him , he was a smart thinker . He made a right turn on Peachtree Lane and started looking for Cobble Place , he turned his hand over to look at the house number , OH NO , his hand , the sweat , he must have wiped it on his forehead by accident . I 'll pull over , no , no there 's no time , I don 't have time . He started to panic and reached for his duffel bag when his eyes caught his reflection in the rearview mirror . Holy crap , there it was , the house number was still on his forehead , it must have smudged on there when he sped past the cop and he wiped his brow . The birthday party was in full swing when the doorbell rang , Sally and her sister both heard the doorbell at the same time , and they ran as fast as they could to the door . Sally the birthday girl got there first , she was in her favorite dress , and she really did look pretty . She opened the door and looked at the man in the doorway with the makeup and the radio in his hand ; she stepped back a little when she saw the stranger reach into his duffel bag . She watched as he slowly pulled out the cassette tape and inserted it into the little boom box . There was a moment between them when their eyes met , Agent Dexter lived for this moment , the marks never knew what was coming , and it was exhilarating to him . Blog at WordPress . com . SOBNYC - growing up in new york city during the 1960 's , 70 's & 80 's Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Send to Email Address
|
The photo of Margret and Santa in the post below was from the year she wanted to give photos to friends and family for Christmas presents . She insisted that she didn 't want Fred ( what she called her portable oxygen setup ) in the picture . It made Santa very nervous . Even though I assured him ( and the camera gal ) that her doctor had okayed 15 minutes off the oxygen , he kept reminding the camera gal that she needed to hurry . It was a long line , a long wait , and I was more concerned whether her tank was going to run out before we got home . It did run out , on our way to the mall door . I had her wait at the door while I got the car . She climbed in , and settled down to relax on the way home . She was very happy with her photos , and not at all worried about her oxygen running out . When we got home , I hooked her up to another tank , and had her sit in the car for a few minutes to let her oxygen saturation rise before she came in . She was fine . She was happy , and the happy was what was important that day . Thanksgiving this year was not nearly as hard for me as last year was . I even made the cranberry - orange relish that my girls remembered from when they were growing up . One of them asked if I would make it , and I did . I use a meat grinder to chop the cranberries and oranges , and she asked if she could have the grinder . I said " Sure ! " To make my relish , you need : 3 12 oz bags of fresh cranberries2 medium navel oranges1 cup of sugar ( possibly a little more sugar if the berries and oranges are very very tart ) a bowl large enough to hold all the berries and oranges , a saucer and a wooden spoon1 slice of bread ( for pushing out the rest of the oranges from the grinder ) Wash and quarter the orangesWash the cranberries ; pick out and discard stems , leaves and mushy berriesRun the cranberries through the grinder , alternating with orange quarters , and making sure the friskier berries don 't jump out . As the grinder stops producing ground fruit , put the slice of bread into the grinder . When bread appears at the grinder plate , remove the bowl , and place the saucer to catch the bread . Clean the grinder , dry and put away . Add the sugar to the bowl of cranberry orange stuff , and mix thoroughly with a wooden spoon ( or equivalent ) . Let the relish sit overnight to blend the tastes . . . . And the lovely lady who made the large blue tag with Margret for me , well , she made one especially for this Christmas , and here it is : Yes , Margret 's birthday was in July , and the anniversary of her passing is also in July . July was cruel all on its own . October is the month Margret and I packed our clothes , our supplies and our courage and set out on a road trip half way across the USA . This year was supposed to have another road trip across the country to visit Margret 's little sister and her family . I have been mourning the loss of the road trip . I have my memories of the previous ones , but those memories don 't help much right now . I remember , cherish , and still miss , all the little details of our travels together : the companionable silencesthe friendly chatter about anything , everything and nothing at all when we discussed and solved the problems of the universe in general and our little bit of it in particular " Is it time for dinner yet ? " her desire to eat healthy , but still to eat what she wantedrequests for unscheduled pit stopsher delight to meet and chat with my leathercraft friends at the IFOLG show in Butlerher patience with me when I missed an off ramp and got us headed in the wrong direction just outside Chicagohow thrilled she was to hug , play and talk with her niece and nephewsshopping with her sisterhow the route home seemed longer than the outbound route I had thought I 'd be mostly done with tears by now . It is , after all , more than a year since Margret died . But no . I have moments when some small thing brings the tears welling in my eyes . I 've signed up for a grief support group . First meeting is tomorrow . It 's no revelation that Margret had extremely good care and good medical support in the years after her diagnosis with pulmonary hypertension . There 's a new doctor in my family group , and I met her on Thursday . After we discussed my knee , and what to do about it ( an x - ray which showed nothing amiss and a visit to the orthopedic doc next week ) I said , " it 's a shame you didn 't get to meet my daughter Margret . " She said , " I 'll get to see her next time , " and I had to stop her and explain that Margret died last year . Then I explained about the heart defect , and the pulmonary hypertension . What put me in such a mood that I had to mention Margret ? I was sitting in the Mom chair , gazing out the window over the exam table where Margret would sit , and thinking how she sat there every three months , waiting to see her doctor , chattering about something fun , and expecting a good report . I thought about the times she sat there feeling less than perfectly well , and how she sometimes thought I was overcautious . It made me sad to think we 'll never be doing either again . On my way out , I stopped at the nurses ' station to get my ortho appointment , and the lady helping me was the same one ( named after a lovely purple flower - I shall call her P , for Petunia , which isn 't her flower but does come in a lovely purple ) who handles referrals . I thanked her for the extra miles she 'd gone to make sure Margret had all her referrals when she needed them , and for the time she 'd sent one that vanished , and had to be sent again on the instant while we were waiting in that particular doctor 's office to be seen . " That 's what we 're here for , " she said , and she remembered the mysterious vanishing referral . " I still have no idea where it went . " We chatted about Margret , and another doctor dropping papers off at the station said , " You 're talking about Margret , aren 't you ? Everybody loved Margret . " I told him I very much appreciated the uniformly good care Margret got from the group . He asked how old she was when she died ; he said thirty seven was a very goodPosted by My Mom and I have been at odds over something or other most of my life . It seemed to me that I could never do anything right . Or not right enough for her . No gift I gave her as an adult suited her , either , it seems , ( she often gave them back telling me she didn 't want them , maybe she just meant she had no use for them ? or place to display them ? ) but when we were clearing out her house so it could be sold , we discovered a collection of the things I made for her in kindergarden and the early grades . I 've heard it suggested that we butted heads so often because we are very much alike . I don 't know if that 's true . I 'd rather it weren 't , thank you very much . I do not want to make my daughters feel the way she made me feel . I 'm sure she loved me . She read to me when I was sick , she came to the hospital and stayed at my side when I had my tonsils out . When I was in kindergarden , we were supposed to tell our parents that we could come in costume for Halloween . I forgot . Mom walked me to school , and when I saw all the costumed kids , I refused to go in . She asked what the matter was . I must have explained , because we walked back home , cobbled together a costume from a kitchen apron and the headpiece with bunny ears from another costume , and I went as Mrs . Rabbit , Peter Cottontail 's mother . I was a disappointment to her in many ways . I was only one child , when she wanted a gaggle of younglings at her feet . As I grew up , I turned into someone who wasn 't the daughter she wanted . I didn 't follow her plan of college , graduate school , a career in science , and then a family . I rebelled . I fell in love with the guy who sat down next to me in Latin class , and told such interesting stories . I married him and dropped out of college . We had kids together . He left me . I have to hand it to Mom that she never said , " I told you so , " when I called to let her know he was gone . As adults , we got along better living far apart . Any time my parents visited for more than three days , my Dad had to referee . I remember one visit when , after my parents Posted by Margret would have smiled , chirped with glee , bounced and clapped her hands to have this article read to her . She had a boyfriend or three , but her relationships never reached the point of seriously contemplating marriage . Contemplating marriage was something she did on a regular basis , though , even marriage with guys she had only seen walking down the street , or heard about from some friend . It 's the seriously part that didn 't happen . Thanks to Jess on Raising Joey for this link : http : / / www . mlive . com / news / citpat / index . ssf ? / base / news - 28 / 1240740321256200 . xml & coll = 3Sunday , April 26 , 2009By Monetta Harr , For the Citizen Patriot A school - age snapshot of Alex and Alexis sharing a hug clearly shows the affection between the two when they were classmates at Columbia 's Miller Elementary School . Flash forward to high school . Alex 's family had moved to the Napoleon school district , and the friends lost contact until his photo appeared with a Citizen Patriot story about him serving as manager of the boys basketball team . Alexis ' mother saw it and suggested her daughter give him a call and invite him to prom . Today they celebrate their first wedding anniversary . It is a love story made even more so because the couple have Down syndrome . " I can 't even put into words how wonderful that feels , that Alexis found someone to love and be happy with . It 's what every parent wants for their child , and it 's wonderful , " said Laura Smith of Clark Lake , Alexis ' mother . On April 26 , 2008 , Alex DeNato , 27 , and Alexis Smith , 25 , were married in Queen of the Miraculous Medal Catholic Church , vowing to love one another as husband and wife . They have a two - bedroom apartment in Alpine Lake Apartments , chosen because it is on the Jackson Transit System line and they use its Reserve - A - Ride service to get to work . Alex washes dishes and peels potatoes at the Napoleon Café , and Alexis bags groceries at Polly 's Country Market in Brooklyn . They walk to Citizens Bank on Fourth Street and often walk to visit his parents , Mark and ChrisPosted by We celebrated . We went out for dinner , and had cheesecake for dessert . Margret liked cheese cake a LOT . Then we had a fire to sit around . When it was going nicely we put gifts for Margret on it . The gifts are symbolic - empty boxes wrapped as gifts . We thought of all the wonderful things Margret did in her life , and told each other stories . Celebrating her birthday without her hurts , but it hurts less than not celebrating her birthday at all . When Margret was in High School , and getting ready to graduate , her teacher suggested she compose a speech for the commencement ceremony . She asked me to write the speech for her ; I refused and had a little chat with her teacher . So , she and her teacher worked on the speech together . I asked how the speech was coming . She told me " It 's a surprise , " and gave me a bright smile . On the big day , dignified in her bright gold cap and gown , she stepped up on the box placed behind the podium to bring her four foot eight inches high enough to see over it , surveyed the auditorium and began . I wish I had a transcript of her speech . I remember it as being thoughtful and moving , but I cannot remember exactly what she said . Her choice of a graduation present wasn 't what the average graduate would choose , either . She wanted a photograph of everyone who came to her graduation . After the ceremony ended , we piled in the cars and headed over to the photographer . Two of the party members had to go , delivering papers and baby sitting , if I remember right , and I might not , so they didn 't make it into the photo . Sorry . But there we all were , the rest of us : Margret , her father , her sisters , B 's boyfriend , me , my husband , one of the girls who lived across the street . Yes , she invited her father to come to her graduation . She is the only one of his daughters who did so . He came by bus . When I mentioned he was going to ask the bus drivers where would be a good place for him to stay , another daughter suggested I let him stay in our house . I was surprised , but checked with the other siblings , and with my husband , and it was agreed . He stayed with us . As I drove to the bus station for him to head back home , he said he was glad I 'd married my husband , calling him " someone the girls can look up to " . Upon my return , my husband said nice things about how fascinating the father was , and how well he spoke . Yes , I was pleasantly surprised that they got on well with each other . A year ago today , I woke to the music of Margret 's voice . She was talking with her sisters , and sitting up in bed . She came back to be with us for such a brief time . Although it was only to be for a few more weeks , I am grateful for every minute we were able to share . A year ago yesterday was the date Margret got her first ( and last ) helicopter ride as she was transferred from the local hospital to the hospital in Philadelphia where she could be cared for by her specialist . A year ago yesterday was the day she said , with fear in her face , " I 'm not ready to die ! " A year ago today , she had enough with the pain and the hard time breathing that she said , " I quit ! " , threw everyone out of her room and then lay unresponsive until her sisters came to see her . While the sisters and I were discussing possible birthday party plans , she wiggled her toes . The next morning I woke to the sound of her voice . I was so very very happy . We all need a nudge in our memories from time to time . In my search through assorted saved papers , I came across a page with the following written out by hand . I can always recognize Margret 's printing when I see it . I make lists to help remember everything I 'm planning to do in a day . I have a pen and a square note block by my bed , because I often think what I need to do in the next day as I 'm getting ready to sleep . - Margret 's momI take pills in the morning and in the evening , plus one in the late afternoon . Mom thought it would be a really good thing if I knew what I am taking . My mom took a photo of my morning pills and labeled the picture in photo software with what each pill is . She took another picture of my evening pills , and labeled them , too . That 's how I learned exactly what I 'm taking . - Margret M . As it happens , I remember an occasion when I handed the pill cup to Margret , and she said , " Mom , should there be two of these ? " I looked , and replied , " No . Good catch ! " There was another time when the pharmacy changed suppliers for one of the generic medications . The pill changed shape and color . I got them home , opened the bottle to start setup for the next week and freaked out . I called the pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist , who apologized . I wasn 't notified about the change because it happened right after I had picked up the last month 's supply . The pharmacist thought I already knew . That night , Margret picked out the new pill and asked , " What is this ? " " Good catch , " I said , then told her the change story . I think all our kids should know what they take , and what it 's for , to the best of their ability . And if there are medications that they should NOT have , they ought to know about those , too . Good reason to have a MedicAlert bracelet or necklace as a backup . I 've seen this on a few blogs I 've been reading recently . Those posts were mostly back in March , and it has suddenly become June . . . where did the time go ? Here are the rules : The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me ! This offer does have some limitations : 1 . You will not know what it 's going to be , and there are no guarantees that you will like what I make ! It may be something simple and small or I may go crazy and do something amazing . 2 . It 'll be done this year . Translation : you may be waiting a little while . 3 . Most importantly , you must offer the same deal on your blog - the first 5 people to comment on your blog ( or Facebook or whatever , if you don 't have a blog ) get something made by YOU ! My variation on this meme ( I think that 's the word that means these things that get passed around from blog to blog ) is that if you 've done it already , you don 't have to do it again to get something crafted by me . Margret first lived in a RecV , a converted bread truck . Then she lived in a travel trailer with her parents , and her sisters as they arrived . Her dad left while she lived there . The trailer was too small , so she moved with her mom and sisters to a second floor apartment . She and her sisters thought it was enormous . For the first few weeks , she and her sisters would follow her mom from room to room , not sure they wanted to let her get that far away . ( or out of sight ? ) She went to school , made friends , and did normal kid things while she lived there . She went often to a nearby state park with her family , followed the paths , watched animals ( Look ! A chipmunk ! ) , learned to identify some common plants and skipped stones in the creek . She and her sisters spent a year with her dad in Arizona , over two thousand miles away . She went to school , made friends , went to the rim of the Grand Canyon . She participated in Special Olympics and brought home three medals . Cross country skiing is just not something I would have thought of , back here in Pennsylvania , but she enjoyed it , and was good at it . She came back to a two story house with attic bedrooms for her two younger sisters . She started horseback riding lessons while she lived there , and started aquacize lessons with her mom . She hung out with her sisters and the girls from across the street . She walked places . She moved with us to another two story house with finished attic . She went to the Prom , had a job , took ceramic painting classes and made lovely stuff , was diagnosed with depression , stopped taking riding lessons , diagnosed with Eisenmenger 's , lost the job , started volunteering , and started to use supplemental oxygen while she lived there . Her sisters went off to college and moved away . She learned to knit , got a knitting machine , and made scarves for everyone in the family one Christmas . She moved to a one story house with her mom and mom 's husband . Although her mom hates moving she liked the one story house . Margret liked the one story house better than the two story Posted by We are coming around to a year from when Margret was first sick . We didn 't know then , she and I , the journey we were on . We didn 't know the destination . We were living life as we knew it , coping in ways we had figured out along the way . Margret was at home because she was coughing and not feeling great , when my new computer arrived . The driver needed a signature to leave it , and Margret signed for it . I was out making a run for yummies and supplies . When I got home , she was very proud of herself for figuring out what needed to be done , and doing it . I was very proud of her , too . We hugged . She beamed . Her grin lit up the whole room . This is the first Mother 's Day without Margret waiting to pounce on me as I emerge from my roomlair in search of morning coffee , and wish me a Happy Mother 's Day . I missed that little sweetness . She also plotted with her respite companion to pick out a card , or make one , and pick out a small present . I remember telling her that her hugs were a better present than anything money could buy . This is still true , I 'll just have to accept that my Margret hugs will come by proxy from here on out . The lovely C stopped by for a short visit today . That was sweet . Also sweet was the phone call from D . She called on my birthday to wish me a happy one , and said she was short of minutes , ( for her phone , although , with her children , she is also short of uninterrupted minutes to talk as well ) so she would wish me a Happy Mother 's Day at the same time . I was glad to talk to her ; I don 't seem to get to talk to her very much . Talking to my daughters , and my grandchildren , and my husband , and my friends , makes me happy . I am happy that we had so much of Margret , and for so long . I still miss her , but the sadness of missing her is not always so up front these days . I can enjoy the bright sunshine and the pleasant breeze . I can enjoy watching the swoops and dives and soaring flight of a swallow . I can enjoy making something pretty ( stay tuned for photos of the leather rose ) , and helping others learn . I 'm alive , and I like it that way . When Margret died , a daughter vanished , leaving a huge hole in my life , leaving me drowning in sorrow . I can say it now without bursting into tears , " I have four daughters , three living , one died when she was 37 . " When Margret died , my four living daughters became three . From their lives , the lives of these three , was ripped someone they grew up with , someone who had influenced , from the very beginning , who they grew up to be . She was the first one , and she loved her little sisters . They loved her right back . Their loss is no less than my own . Just different . They were close to Margret , closer in some ways than I was . I know C was terribly upset , and found some comfort in a book . The book she read , and recommended , is : The Empty RoomSurviving the Loss of a Brother or Sister at Any Ageby Elizabeth DeVita - RaeburnI read it , and found it fascinating . I found comfort , too . I read how , before World War I , a Victorian widow or widower wore mourning clothes , or possibly a locket with a bit of hair from the person for whom they grieved , for a year or longer . Neimeyer * and Attig * * have a theory that is " an enhanced version of what the Victorians used to believe : We have a continuing relationship with the dead . The premise that moving on means letting go is wrong . " ( TER p . 145 ) YAY ! I can move on , and still have Margret with me , if not at breakfast every day , at least in my mind , my memories , who I am . This next passage moved me profoundly . Reading it felt rather like throwing back a set of dark , heavy drapes to let sunlight stream through the window . " Until you resolve the core issue of what you 're going to do with the love you still have for this person , there will be a huge reluctance to move on and engage with the world , " said Attig . " The world is there , waiting for you to engage with it again . Why not bring the person with you and appreciate how different you are for having known him ? Why not make some difference in your other relationships with other things in the world , in part because of having known him ? Why not do that inPosted by How can the people around you tell if you are happy ? What do you use for a happiness gauge ? For me , if I 'm singing while I work in the kitchen , or while I 'm driving , you can tell I 'm happy . I caught myself singing today . I was on my way to the grocery store , and I was singing . What was I singing ? I can 't recall . On the way home I was singing an old song with it 's roots in the worry of the Mamas of Irish lads who went to war . " Oh Mrs McGraw , " the sergeant said , " would you like to make a soldier out of your son Ted , With a scarlet cloak and a big cocked hat , oh , Mrs McGraw , wouldn 't you like that ? " With your too rye ah , fa the diddle ah , too rye , too rye too rye ahWith your too rye ah , fa the diddle ah , too rye , ooh rye ooh rye ahLav beg the cracker oh ! I don 't suppose it really matters what I am singing , but the fact that I am singing is note worthy . Years and years ago , when I would sing in the cars , my kids wished I would not . On one occasion , one of the girls went so far as to threaten to jump out of the car while it was moving if I did not cease my singing . I have been happier this past week , consistently , each day , than I have been in a long time . Part of it is due , I 'm sure , to last weekend 's visit from one of my daughters . Part of it has to do with longer days , sunshine and warmer weather . Part of it has to do with an email I received from another daughter . It moved me to tears , and made me smile through them . I took a walk down the hill with one of the neighbors . She is trying to get back into shape after being laid up a while . A walk is more fun with company . I stopped and took a couple digital photos of the twin linden trees on the hill . I discovered that if I use the viewfinder , I can line up the utility pole with the vertical and the cable with the right horizontal of the crosshairs . I took the photos standing at the joint in the curb next to the utility pole across the street with a thick cable protector running up it . THAT means I can take more pictures from the same spot and layer them to make a time lapse of the tree going through it 's year . If I can remember to take my camera with me on walks at least once a week . Let 's have a YAY ! for spring , for neighbors , for activity , for new projects and most of all , for happiness . YAY ! ! ! ! Margret knew the end was coming . She knew it before I did . I suspected , but I didn 't want to know . It broke my heart when she said , " Please let me go . " I put my head down on her tummy there in the hospital bed and I cried . She patted my back , and said , " Don 't cry mommy . I love you . " On Sunday , the doctor stopped after rounds to tell me they would not be changing her treatment any more because she was " end stage " . Her sister C who planned to go home Sunday night changed her plans . C arranged for D to come from the other coast . On the first plane she could catch . Because we did not know how much longer Margret had left . C did it because I said I couldn 't handle the details . Really ? I couldn 't . Besides , I didn 't want to leave Margret 's side . I called family . I called friends . On my cel phone . From the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit . D arrived around 1 am with her 5 week old baby . I held the baby on the bed , and put Margret 's hand on the tiny feet . The feet wiggled . She moved her hand off . I said , " Those are the baby 's feet . Aren 't they tiny ? " She put her hand back on the little feet . I talked . She kept her hand on those precious feet . D took the baby and leaned him across Margret 's tummy , his Auntie 's tummy , and put Margret 's hand on his back . She said , " That 's the baby you 're holding , keep your hand there so he doesn 't fall . " She talked to her sister , and Margret kept her hand on the baby 's back . The last sister , B , the second oldest , arrived with her family around 2am . She came up and hugged Margret , and talked a bit , but the sedatives and morphine did their work and Margret was finally sleeping . We all went to sleep . Morning came . The nurse taped a picture of a white flower onto the door , where once , before her virus screen came back clear , were directions to mask and gown as a precaution against contagion . Friends arrived , and my husband . We all tell Margret how much we love her , how wonderful she is . We tell our favorite stories again , one last time . We remember our favorite Margret Quotes . Mine is " I 'm only fat arounPosted by I have been trying for months to write about saying goodbye to Margret . The task has defeated me . Either I start crying and have to leave off writing , or I am not satisfied with what I have written . Or else what I have written seems OK , but I wasn 't ready to share what I wrote . There have been many attempts , many almost successes . Over time my mantra for Margret 's care evolved into " the best quality of life with the least invasive treatments " . Because there comes a time where you are no longer doing things FOR a person , but you are doing things TO them . That 's what the doctor said when Margret collapsed , and he wanted to know what measures we wanted taken on her behalf . We all got a reprieve when she sat up and talked to her sisters the following day . He had put into words my worst fear : that there comes a time when there is no more hope . Hope is gone , and soon to follow are the smiles , the joy , the wicked sense of humor , the courage , the adventurous spirit that said , " I want to see Ricky Martin perform live . I want to go on a cruise . " The hardest part , I think , is facing down the day that my hopes died , and then having to do it all over again . Every attempt to write about it brings that sorrow back full force . This was a very sad Valentine 's day . I didn 't manage to get the valentines out in the mail as I had planned , it made me cry to work on them , and that bummed me out . Then I had a series of very strange , very detailed , very confusing dreams that made me feel very sad when I woke up , as if I had read an intense and wandering letter from a half crazy friend and missed the whole point . I wasn 't very good company at times , not even for myself . I indulged in reading therapy ; went through several library books . I was torn between not ever wanting to go back to sleep ( the dreams ! the dreams ! ) and not ever wanting to wake up again to have to face the real world as it is . I 'm glad it 's over for this year , and I 'm sure that next year won 't be nearly so awful . It may not be Thanksgiving , but I give thanks for my husband , my daughters and my friends who have been keeping me firmly in the real world even when I would rather be someplace else . Where ? Dunno , just ' not here ' . I 'm here , and here I 'm staying , and this is something good . Not long after Margret died , I was talking to a young man of my acquaintance . He said he was sorry for my loss . Then he thought for a bit , sizing me up , and said I was going to think he was a bad person , but if it were him , he would be rejoicing at being released from the equivalent of a prison sentence . Perspective . It 's just a matter of perspective . I don 't think he 's a bad person , just deprived of the right perspective . All he could see is the down side . Only having met Margret briefly , and on a day when she wasn 't feeling up to her usual cheer , he couldn 't know the up side . I knew how loving Margret was , how empathetic . He never had a day with her when she was about four years old as I did . I was sad about something , and she came over and hugged me , and laid her head on my lap . She let me know that whatever was wrong , she was there for me , and loved me . I had not said a word about the wrong thing , I was not crying , she just knew , and wanted to make it right as best she could . He never knew how strongly she cared about her sisters , and how much they cared about her . Or how loyal she was to her friends . It 's his loss . I got a letter in the mail on Saturday , a letter from my grandson . He 's five , and very sweet . Included with it is a letter from his Mama , my daughter D . Getting that letter made my day . Reading that letter made my week . Now I just have to get my act together and write back . I think I am one of the worst correspondents in existence . My first husband was definitely worse than I am , so I will not claim to be world 's worst . Nope . I 'm not the worst . But not the best , either . I am somewhere in between , but closer , much , much closer to the worse end of the scale . When I was in high school , I had a pen pal . She lived in Japan . When she received a letter from me , she wrote back . When I received a letter from her , I thought about it , and then wrote back . The transit time was such that the exchange rate was about one letter a month . Then the exchange stopped . I am not sure , but I think I got a last letter and didn 't write back . It might have been the other way round , but I don 't think so . You see , I 'm the bad correspondent . I forget birthdays , and if I don 't remember you are having a birthday , I don 't send a card . Simple ? Maybe . Margret was the one who always remembered who had birthdays , and when they had them . She reminded me . Margret liked to get cards , and to send them . Birthday cards , definitely , but any sort of card was fine with her . I would help her looking up addresses , but she addressed the envelope in her own hand . She liked to choose cards to give , to send , and planned on trips to the card shop when birthdays were coming up . I kept a collection of cards for many occasions , and she liked to go through and pick just the right one . Sometimes my collection didn 't have just what she wanted , and she had to settle for second best , or create a card . I can 't think of when she made up the last original card , but I 'm sure it wasn 't in the past year or so . Margret kept many of the cards she received . Some she had in a stack in a drawer in her dresser . One year her sister helped her put some of the cards she had received into a frPosted by I miss your comings and goings . I miss the hustle in the morning making sure you 're up on time , have your morning meds and your breakfast , and that your lunch is packed . I miss watching you decide which jacket or coat to wear to suit the weather . Sometimes you consulted me , and asked which I thought would be better , but mostly you peeked out the door , and decided for yourself . I miss helping you wrap your scarf to cover your nose in winter . I miss waiting by the door with you for your ride . I miss the last hug before you go out the door . I miss the aides who picked you up on Monday and Friday , and the Metro van that came the other three days . I even miss the times that your van didn 't show up as expected , when I would call the van service and let you tell the dispatcher your concerns . You were unfailingly polite to the dispatcher , and always said , " Thank you , have a nice day , " to end your conversation . Sometimes I gave you a ride when the van would have been extremely late , because you liked to be on time . If you were late on Meals on Wheels day , you 'd miss most of it , and have to sit at the center waiting for the rest of your group to get back for lunch . I miss when you come in , returning from your busy day and call , " Hi Mom ! " and hang up your coat , and stow your gear , and rummage for a snack in the kitchen . I miss Yoga day , when your teacher brought you home . She set up the mats while you changed into your yoga clothes and ate a yogurt . After class , you would do your shivasana , the last , meditating pose , in bed while your teacher read to you from one of her books or magazines . You 'd go from yoga meditation into a nap , which was fine , in bed because it was more comfortable for a nap than the floor . At first I found myself watching the door at return time , half expecting you 'd be coming in at your normal times but I knew it wouldn 't happen . A surreal feeling , that . The rubbermaid step you used for climbing into tall vehicles is still in the closet by the front door , along with your umbrella . An oxygen wrench still hanPosted by I miss watching Dancing with the Stars with Margret . I watched it this past season without Margret . I found it difficult at first , but then found myself turning to hubby and saying , " Margret would have liked that " about some dance move , or some costume detail , or some bit of shenanigans that went on . I think Margret might have been voting for Cody Linley , because he was a cast memeber on Hanna Montana , but I also think she would have clapped her hands and squeeeeed for some of the Cloris Leachman moments . Her favorite star was Billy Ray Cyrus . She wanted me to cast my votes for him so intensely that I made a login for her on the DWTS website so she could have her OWN votes . Other seasons , she enjoyed watching ; she had favorites , but that was the first season she had a preference strong enough that she wanted to vote ! As a Hanna Montana fan , Margret got to see Billy Ray with his daughter on the Disney Channel 's programming , but there he was , learning how to do ballroom dancing . Husband watched DWTS with us , too . He and I tried to guess what the judges scores would be before they gave them . He was right a surprising number of times , too , more often than I was certainly . We also tried to guess at the beginning of the results show which couple was going to be eliminated . Margret never wanted to join in that guessing session . When we watched tv together , Margret often sat between my feet , as I sat in a chair . I 'm not sure how that habit got started , but it did . Then too , it gets chilly down by the tv , so I would have an afghan wrapped around me , and she would wrap one around her . She kept my feet warm , I kept her afghan / shawl from sliding away . It was a companionable feeling . In fact I miss watching any tv show with Margret . She clapped her hands , laughed out loud , commented on the action , got up and walked away or muted the sound during the food commercials " because they make me hungry when I 'm not " . Smart lady . I miss getting my back scratched and rubbed . Margret would come up behind me while I was sitting at the computer , or at the table reading , and scratch my back without being asked to do so . She had a great sense of where I liked having my back scratched , so the requests " Up a little , " " Over to the left a bit , " were fairly minimal . Sometimes when I was tired and achy , I would say , " Margret , would you rub my shoulders please ? " and she would come over and do it . She usually started rubbing with just one hand , and that was pretty good . I 'd ask her to use both hands , and she 'd usually oblige me . I could request that she concentrate on my neck , or work her way down my back , and she did . For someone who wasn 't formally trained , and not working professionally as a masseuse , she was very good . I showed all my daughters how to rub backs to my taste when they were little , and I was working as an upholsterer who got aches in my back and shoulders rather often . C still twits me about paying them a quarter to rub my back . The backrubs were not a one way street . I rubbed her back too . I rubbed her back to comfort her when she was unhappy . I rubbed her back when she was sick , because it seemed to make her feel better . Sometimes when I was hugging her , I would add a little massage up and down next to her spine , and she liked that . She didn 't ask for a back rub very often , mostly I volunteered to do it , or put my hand on her shoulder and started a massage . If she turned so I had easier access , I continued , with both hands . The last few days before she went to the hospital for the last time she asked me to rub her back . She said her lower back hurt , and that the rubbing helped . I miss Margret hugs . When someone offers me a hug these days , I almost never turn them down . I can always use the hugs . I don 't get nearly so many hugs now , because that was one of the things Margret did : she hugged . She hugged me , she hugged other family and she hugged her friends . She liked being hugged as well as giving out the hugs . She 'd hug me in the morning , before she left for her program . She 'd hug me when she got back , too , and other random times during the day . I got special extra hugs when I tucked her into bed at night , too . Yesterday I was terribly out of sorts , and could not go to sleep last night for the disturbing visions of Margret in the hospital that were dancing in my head . I ended up sitting reading , legs wrapped in a sleeping bag and lap robe around my shoulders , all night . As the first tentative rays of sunlight explored my front window , it dawned on me that this is the six month anniversary of her death . In my head I 've been composing something I call , How Do I Miss Thee ? Let Me Count The Ways , but I can 't get it to shift from inside my head to paper or file . * sigh * One of these days I 'll get it to make the transition . I 've been processing feelings about the holidays for a while now , and still working on it . The drive to see family for Thanksgiving was peculiar , both going and returning home . I kept having little moments of panic that I had forgotten to pack something extremely important . The first time or two , I could not pin it down ; I went over a mental list of my packed items and could not see anything missing . Another time when it happened , I glanced in the mirror to see how Margret was doing , and realized it was herself I was missing . Understanding did not banish the moments , but they were lessened . Travel at Christmas I only had one or two such moments , and only on the way there . During both holidays , it was wonderful seeing family again , and spending a little time together . On a very much more mundane note , winter has set in . We have cold and snow , and in such weather I quite prefer the indoors . I 've been reading books by Sharyn McCrumb , both the Ballad novels and a few of her Elizabeth MacPherson stories , from the public library . I 'm a sixty - ish Mom of 4 grown daughters , married to the love of my life . My oldest daughter was born forty years ago with an extra chromosome and a heart defect . She developed pulmonary hypertension , then Eisenmenger 's syndrome . She died of pneumonia in the summer of 2008 . She touched many lives with her love and generosity . Having had her in my life is an incredible gift .
|
Fairy tales and folklore are a part of all of our childhoods , so each week I will be presenting a new adaptation of a classic story in the hopes that it will entertain , amuse , and maybe even take you back to a time when true love , magic powers , talking animals , high adventure , and happy endings all seemed possible . I hope you enjoy it . I think you will . EMAIL : face4077 @ insightbb . com This is one of the two stories Washington Irving is best known for . The other being " The Legend of Sleepy Hollow . " This one , however , is more often considered a " fairy tale " than the other , and I included it here partly because it 's a good story , but mostly because it was the only story from the TV series " Shelley Duvall 's Faerie Tale Theatre " which I haven 't done yet , and that was bothering me . Many of the stories I have related here have come from far away places and far distant times . This story , however , is not really all that old and took place right here in the USA . Not that it was called the USA back then . It was just another part of the Great British Empire . And the people of the village at the foot of the Catskill Mountains near the Hudson River in New York were all just servants of the king . Don 't get me wrong , Rip was a perfectly nice guy , descended from a noble family . He had many friends , was good - natured and well - liked within the community . He was always good to his wife . Kids loved him . His dog , Wolf , was the closest friend any man could hope for . He just had that one significant character flaw : a chronic aversion to manual labor in any form . In other words , he hated to work . Ever . For any reason . If you needed to find Rip Van Winkle ( which wasn 't terribly likely in and of itself ) , you could usually find him at the King George Inn having a drink , telling stories or just sleeping in one of the comfy chairs . You also might find him fishing in the Hudson where he would happily sit for hours without even the hint of a nibble ( had he put in the extra effort to bait his hook , that might not have been the case ) . Any other time , you 'd find him at home being shouted at by his wife for not doing any work , for wasting time at the inn , for that horrible mutt of his and when are you going to fix the roof like you said and look at me when I 'm talking to you and … In fact , that 's probably the reason he was so happy when he was fishing for hours without even the hint of a nibble . Then came that fateful day when Rip took his gun and his dog into the woods for a hunt . His wife insisted that he stay and help with the housework , but Rip felt strongly that today was the day for a hunt . He loaded his gun , packed his extra shots and powder , kissed his son and daughter goodbye and he and Wolf set off for the Catskills . It was a beautiful day for a trip to the mountains and Rip passed the day happily enjoying the scenery , talking to Wolf , not even making an attempt to appear like he was hunting and not just wasting time in the woods . He spent most of the day out there , and into the evening as the sun began to set . Rip was about to head for home when he heard a strange sound . A kind of booming , crashing , echoing sound . Wolf tugged on Rip 's coat , whimpering to go home , but Rip was curious about the sound so he followed it deeper into the mountains . The skies got darker and darker as Rip wandered further and further from home . Soon he came to a large cavern in the hills where the sound was coming from . He entered a torch lit space and what he saw made his jaw drop . Dwarfs . Many , many dwarfs . Little men with long beards and ragged clothes who were clearly having … a bowling party . They had set up a nine - pin bowling course and were taking turns knocking down the pins . Between turns , they drank ale from big wooden casks . Rip had never seen anything like this in his life . When the dwarfs saw him , he was frightened for a moment . As though he feared they would attack him like hairy little piranhas … instead they gave a hearty cheer and invited him to join their game . Rip Van Winkle was always up for a game so he dropped his pack and set his gun against the wall . While a few dwarfs played with Wolf , Rip took his turn and bowled better than anyone else . And he drank better than anyone else . He drank and drank and drank . It was the sweetest ale he had ever tasted , like nectar . The party raged on all night and , eventually , even Wolf stopped worrying and joined in the fun . He even had a few bowls of ale himself . Rip and the dwarfs got a good laugh at the slightly drunk dog walking sideways into the pins and scoring nine points before falling down … Rip Van Winkle woke to the sound of birds singing and the feel of the sun on his face . He blinked his eyes a few times until he could see clearly . But even after this , he wasn 't sure he was seeing clearly . He distinctly remembered that he came to the mountains on a crisp , autumn morning . Now there were blossoms on the trees as though it were spring . Instinctively , Rip stroked his chin as he thought about this , which led him to his second shock of the last two minutes : A beard . Quite a long one , in fact . Now , when a man falls asleep , he can usually expect to wake up with a little bit more fuzz than he had before bed , but not a beard that hung all the way down to his feet ! His hands , too , seemed wrinkled and gnarled , as though they belonged to a man much older than he . He looked around for Wolf , but he was nowhere to be found . He saw that he was lying under a tree that was growing just at the entrance to the cavern where he and the dwarfs had bowled the night before . In his mind , Rip imagined that the tree had been much , much smaller . Surely it hadn 't grown this tall overnight ? He ran inside the cavern crying out " Wolf ! Here boy ! " but no one answered . There were no dwarfs , no pins , no ale . Not only that , but in the exact spot where he had left his brand - new , well oiled rifle , he found an old , rusty relic , though it was clearly the same make and model of his own . It even had his initials , RVW , carved into the handle . " This is definitely my gun , " said Rip , noticing at last that his voice was somewhat raspier . " But how did it get so rusty so quickly ? And where is my dog ? " He searched around the cavern and retraced his whole route along the mountains until he was almost back to his home village . He hadn 't seen any trace of Wolf , but reasoned that he must 've gone home in the night by himself . He was more concerned with the town when he saw it . Everything had changed . He met a number of people he didn 't recognize who were wearing bizarre clothing . Rip thought he knew everyone in town , so this struck him as odd , even without the strange clothes . The strangers stared at Rip with the same confusion , though this might have been his beard just as much as his costume . When he reached the town proper , everything was a different color , the buildings all looked rebuilt , and the streets were full to bursting of people he 'd never seen before . Then he made his way home , expecting to be chewed out by his wife for being gone all night . . . but his house was falling apart . It was an old ruin . And to make matters worse , the only one in residence was a mangy , half - starved dog who looked like it might have been Wolf 's ancestor . " Wolf ? Boy , is that you ? " asked Rip , and he put out a hand to stroke him . But the dog barked and snapped at the hand , which Rip was only just able to pull away before he was bitten . " Don 't you remember me , boy ? It 's Rip ! Your old friend ! We went to the mountains and played bowls with the dwarfs . Don 't you know me ? " The dog snarled and ran away when Rip made another move to pet him . Rip went all through the house calling out for wife and children , but to no avail . They were nowhere to be found . Confused , bewildered , and beginning to feel fatigued , Rip Van Winkle decided to get some answers . He went at once to his old tavern , where he expected to find his usual friends chatting away about anything and everything . But not only were none of the people there ones he recognized , but the sign above the door had been changed from " King George Inn " to the " George Washington . " Who the heck is George Washington ? asked Rip to himself . An overweight man was standing outside handing out fliers with words printed on them that Rip didn 't recognize : " Bunker Hill , " " Heroes of 76 , " " Continental Congress . " This man noticed Rip and approached him , asking , " I beg your pardon , sir , but which side will you be voting ? " This man , and all others who were within earshot , reacted with nothing short of abject shock at hearing this . As though admitting loyalty to one 's king was something shameful and wicked . The silent shock ( unfortunately ) soon gave way to shouting . The man with the fliers was , with some difficulty , able to restore order and he spoke softly to the others , saying , " This poor old man must be confused and disoriented . We must be patient with him . " Then he turned to Rip and said , in a kind voice , " My good man , how can we help you ? " " Yes , he joined up , too , " said one of the men . " He got promoted to General . I think he 's in congress now . " " Congress ? " This bizarre interview went on for some time , with Rip rattling off names and being told that each one had died years ago or had moved away or had fought in some war . The questions kept running through Rip 's mind . How could any of this be ? I only left last night … didn 't I ? He thought about his rusty gun and his malnourished dog and his long beard and his dillapitated house and … how long had he been away ? " Fast asleep if I know him ! " This comment was met with howls of laughter which Rip barely heard . He walked like a ghost into the inn and there , in his usual chair , he saw … himself ? So if that 's me , Rip thought , who am I ? Is this me ? Or is that ? Or is that someone else ? Rip Van Winkle stood there gaping at Rip Van Winkle for several minutes and the bystanders began to get worried that this old stranger might cause harm . Finally , for no apparent reason , the young man sleeping in the chair woke up and looked around . " Oh , hello , old timer . Can I help ? " " My father left on a hunting trip and never came back . His dog came back without him , but no one ever saw father again . Poor mother was devastated . She didn 't last much longer after he disappeared . " This last was addressed over Rip , Sr . 's shoulder at the pretty young woman who had just entered . The old man noticed she was carrying a baby in her arms . " Twenty years , that 's right . Hello , " she said to this elderly stranger . " My name is Judith Gardenier . Rip Van Winkle was my father , too . " " This is my son . His name is Rip , too . " She looked up at the old man and was surprised to see tears running down his cheeks . Then she looked into his eyes more closely … and , at last , she saw it . " Father ? Father , is it you ? " Rip , Jr . could hardly believe his ears . He sprang to his feet and stared into the old man 's eyes . " It is ! It 's our father ! Judith , it 's father ! Come home at last ! " And he threw his arms around his father 's shoulders , and Judith did the same , and Rip Van Winkle , Sr . embraced his children and grandson as though he would never let them go . That very day , Rip moved in with his daughter and her husband where he spent the rest of his days very much as he had done before his strange adventure had begun . He got to know both his children and his grandson and became a pillar of the small , American town . He was never able to fully understand what had happened to him in that cavern in the mountain , and once or twice he had considered going back to investigate . But he always decided against it , and chose instead to just make the most of the time he had left … of course he always had his daughter or son - in - law wake him up every morning . Just to make sure . This is a story I wrote last Christmas instead of focusing on my actual job . At the time , I already had the Christmas story for the blog planned out ( you may recall , those of you who were there , that it was during a month - long tribute to Hans Christian Andersen ) so I had to save this one for a year . There 's no way of saying this without coming off as egotistical , but I very much like this story . When I started writing it , it was just a cute little idea about turtles and Christmas , but I 've grown very fond of it since that time . My hope is to one day have it published as a children 's book with better illustrations than I can provide . Who knows ? Maybe someday it 'll be a holiday staple . . . well , a man can dream . Greg got up that morning the same as always . He looked around his room with its tall , clear walls and went to get a drink from his dish . As he shook off the last bits of sleep he looked out his walls to see what the people were doing . They were putting decorations all over the house . Big red and green things that Greg didn 't understand . In particular , a lot of them seemed to show a big fat guy in red pajamas and a white beard . Molly was asking her big sister , Mabel , a lot of questions . There were a lot of words that Greg had never heard before . Santa . Rudolph . Some King or other called Nat . It was all very confusing to Greg . Luckily , later that day , Molly reached into Greg 's room and picked him up to show him something . " Look how beautiful our tree is , Greg . " Greg looked and saw a large evergreen tree inside the house covered in colored lights and other ornaments . He had to admit it was beautiful but he didn 't exactly know what it was for . " And tomorrow night , Santa 's going to come and leave us presents for Christmas . And I asked him to bring something for you , too . Even though I don 't know what turtles want for Christmas . Well , I 'd better put you back . I have to go help Mommy in the kitchen . " It was a very confused turtle whom Molly returned to his room a moment later . Christmas ? What 's Christmas ? And who is this Santa who 's supposed to bring me something ? It was very overwhelming . But many of his questions were answered that very day . His room happened to be in such a place that it faced the TV so when the girls watched a movie called " A Christmas Carol " he learned a lot about this Christmas business . The holiday , it seemed , had something to do with a little baby called . . . something with a " J " , he couldn 't remember . But the impression that Greg got was that this " Christmas " was this baby 's birthday . Did you have to know the baby to celebrate ? Are turtles allowed to celebrate ? It seemed to have a lot to do with presents . Was it still Christmas if you didn 't get a present ? Or give one ? His heart sank . Boys and girls . Not turtles . He was a boy turtle , sure , but he had the clear impression that this is not what they meant . Oh well , he thought , as he watched another show about a snowman with a special hat . No Christmas for me . That night , Greg was awakened by a strange sound . A sort of " THUD " as if something had landed on the roof . Greg was frightened . If it was burglars , he was ill - equipped to do anything about it except hope and pray that turtles were not valuable on the black market . But then he heard another sound : Bells ! Very small bells . Jingling bells . He remembered from his TV research that Santa 's sleigh had bells on and often landed on rooftops . Am I going to get to see Santa Claus ? He did ! Santa came down the chimney and set about his work . Putting packages under the tree , eating cookies , drinking milk , filling the stockings . Greg watched him , transfixed . The bright smile , the red suit , the white beard . He 's just the way I thought he 'd be , said Greg to himself . I may not get any presents , but it 's enough to get to see him ! And then , just as Santa was about to leave , he turned his head in the direction of Greg 's room . He looked at the turtle and smiled . " Well , hello there , Greg ! " he said as he walked over to him . " You don 't remember me , do you ? Well , you wouldn 't , I guess . You were so very small when I brought you here . You see , you were Molly 's Christmas present last year . And she asked me to make sure you got a present this year . Don 't look so surprised , " said Santa , kindly at Greg 's reaction . " Didn 't you know ? Christmas is for everyone . And you 'll get a present , too . . . but only if you go right to sleep ! Now , now , rules are rules . If you want your present , you 'll just have to wait till morning . " Greg shut his eyes obediently and tried to fall asleep . " That 's better . Now don 't open them till tomorrow . And Merry Christmas , Greg . " He heard Santa place something inside his room and creep away . In another moment he heard the sleighbells , the muffled cry of Santa and then . . . nothing . Santa was gone . It was tempting to sneak a peek at his present , but , showing a level of self - restraint seldom seen in turtles , Greg succeeded in keeping his eyes shut until he fell asleep . " Merry Christmas ! " Greg woke to the joyous cry of Molly and Mabel as they ran downstairs for their presents . Their parents followed , somewhat less enthusiastically , but still all smiles . Greg watched through the walls of his room as the girls opened their presents and showed them off for their parents . It was a wonderful scene and Greg was very happy to have seen it . " Look , " said Molly , suddenly . " Santa left something for Greg , too . " Greg had almost forgotten . With the great effort that it took for him to move at all , Greg turned around and saw . . . a great big head of lettuce ! And it was all for him . As Greg began to munch on the crisp green leaves he thought of what Santa had said to him before he left . " Merry Christmas , Santa , " he thought . " And thank you for the best Christmas I ever had . " This story was either inspired by a TV show plot or a dream I had after watching said TV show . It 's kind of blurry , but either way I woke up and thought about a matchmaker holding a grand ball full of eligible women for her client to choose from . Then I hung the rest of the story on that like ornaments on a Chrsitmas tree and this is what I came up with . The names are all taken from the Danny Kaye movie The Court Jester which is wonderful . A while back I came up with an idea for a TV show about professional matchmakers ( though not in a fairy tale setting , of course ) and the main dating tip given on that show is the same as the lesson of today 's story . A very clever man once said repeatedly , " It 's good to be da king . " And , yes , in many ways it is . Roderick , for example , had just about everything a man could wish for . He had a beautiful castle to live in , hundreds of servants at his beck and call , a lush prosperous kingdom to rule over and more money than he could spend if he lived to be three hundred and four . He had horses and silks and gold and precious jewels and even a bust of himself made of solid platinum , which not many people have , don ' tcha know . Of course , no man has everything but there is one thing that every man ( woman , child , animal , trees even ) has : Problems . Yes , kids and people , even King Roderick ruler of the kingdom of Pimpernel ( named for the beautiful and medicinal flower that grew there ) , had his allotment of problems . For one thing , he had to act like a king all the time , which meant being regal and important and speaking with a booming sort of voice and enacting laws and levying taxes and doing other kingly stuff which is all very well if you 're fifty or so with a big beard and a belly to match , but Roderick was twenty - four and had taken over the kingdom quite suddenly when his father had abdicated the throne the previous year in order to spend some quality time with his cows . In other words , Roderick never really wanted to be king . At least not while he was so young . When you 're a young , handsomish prince , you can do what you like . Go off on adventures , rescue damsels , ride white chargers , or just hang out with the knights and do guy stuff like hunting or fishing or watching The Big Lebowski … or , ya know , whatever guys watched before the Cohen Brothers started making movies … murals , maybe ? About rugs , bowling and missing toes ? I feel like I 'm digressing a little bit . Let 's try again . The other thing about being a king is getting married . See , the tricky thing about a monarchy is that it requires constant maintenance . There always has to be a prince or princess to take over the throne from the king and / or queen , depending on how patriarchal the kingdom in question is ( kids , this is all complex political stuff that your parents can tell you more about . In the meantime : Kings have to get married and make babies ) . Now , Roderick had taken over from his father , but if Roderick died or became interested in cattle , there was no one to take over . " But who am I supposed to marry ? " was the king 's answer . " I don 't know any girls . And it 's not like I can go to a bar and meet someone like common folk do . I 'm a king . The rules say I have to marry a princess or a countess or a duchess or a waitress or … no , not that last one . But she has to be nobility . And I don 't like the nobility . How am I going to be happy with someone who just cares about fancy clothes and precious jewels ? " " I 'm sorry , sire , I think we 're talking at cross purposes , here . I was discussing marriage . You seem to be talking about happiness . I 'm afraid I can 't see the connection . " As unromantic as that sounds , that 's kind of how marriage worked for royalty in them days . Love didn 't matter quite so much as breeding , fortunes and social standing . Left to his own devices , the king would 've married for true love , which is better than any of those other things , but there were rules to follow and , as Ravenhurst had told him at his coronation : " You 're King Roderick , not Roderick King . That means you are a king first and yourself second . " So Roderick relutctantly agreed to let Ravenhurst call a meeting of the Royal Council . These were the king 's closest advisors who were known for advising him the closest . There was Lord Hubert , and Sir Griswold and Ravenhurst , of course , and many other important men with ridiculous names . They all came together to discuss possibilities for the king 's new wife : " Why not ? " bellowed Ravenhurst . " With all possible respect , majesty , you are far too picky . You should just pick a bride and have done with it . " " And why not ? What 's wrong with her ? Too vain ? Too selfish ? What petty little personality problem has sprung into your royal mind to cause you to take issue with Mildred of Natwick ? ! ? " " Look , I appreciate all the work you guys are doing , " said King Roderick . " But you 've got to at least find me somebody I 'll like . I don 't think that 's asking too much , is it ? " " Follow your hart ! " This fairly awful pun was met with groans from the council , but King Roderick chuckled in spite of himself . " However , " the jester continued , " if majesty is insistent on marrying regardless of love , I suggest you call upon my sister , Gwendolyn . , the world 's greatest matchmaker ! " " You fool ! " cried Sir Griswold . " How are matches going to help ? The king doesn 't need to start a fire , he needs to - " " That 's not the kind of matchmaker he meant ! " interrupted the king and Griswold joined Ravenhurst in silence for the rest of the meeting . The king turned back to his trusty fool . " A matchmaker , you say . Is she any good ? " " Is she any good ? Is she any good ? " cried Giacamo . " My liege , she is known throughout the land . She is called Cupid 's Servant . She has made over one hundred perfect matches . There is no one for whom she has failed to find a bride or groom ! There is no matchmaker in all the universe who can match her skill and talent . " " First and foremost , sire , your complete cooperation or all my skills will be useless . You must trust me implicitly . Rule # 3 : There can be no true love without complete trust . You must answer any question I put to you entirely honestly . Rule # 4 : Honesty is the best policy . You must be willing to do things that do not come naturally to you . Rule # 5 : No one ever achieved greatness by doing what they do every day . " Gwendolyn smiled . " All rules are made to be broken … including this one , because by following Rules 1 through 5 , you will be breaking Rule 6 . Do you see ? " The first part of the process was a questionaire , which had only just recently been invented ( by Gwendolyn , coincidentally ) so the king was a little confused by it . He got the idea soon enough , however . The following is an extract from the finished questionaire ( questions relating to popular culture of Ancient Pimpernel have been removed for clarity 's sake ) : 25 . How do you like to spend Sunday mornings ? I like to sort of take it easy . Stay in bed for a bit , read a book . Of course , I 'd rather have someone to talk to . 29 . What is your position on Dragon Rights ? Anyone who still believes that dragons are evil in this day and age is just plain ignorant . 31 . If you had to choose , would you rather be blind or deaf ? Blind . I don 't really know why . 38 . How important is honesty to you ? Very important . I don 't see how anyone can have any kind of relationship that isn 't based on mutual trust , and that can 't exist without honesty . 43 . What about when you were ten ? All I knew is that I didn 't want my father 's job . We all know how that turned out . " Sire , there was never any doubt that I would be of help to you . The question was only ever how long it would take . " As she said this , there was a faint knock on the door and a chambermaid called Jean entered . " Quite all right , Jean , " said King Roderick . Gwendolyn reacted to this , because it was fairly uncommon for kings to be on first name terms with the cleaning staff . " This is Gwendolyn , the matchmaker . " " Oh ! " said Jean with an odd tone to her voice that Gwendolyn recognized but didn 't understand . " It 's a pleasure to meet you , ma ' am . " Then she curtsied . " No ! " said the king much more forcefully than he meant to . " I mean … yes , I do have some things for you to wash . Wait here . " With that , the king drifted off into the next chamber . Gwendolyn kept her eyes on Jean as the king left and noticed that the maid 's eyes followed the king 's path even after he was out of sight . " Practically all my life . My mother worked in the kitchens and I was born two years after the king . We used to play together when we were small . " " He would have been … ten years old , " said Jean , wondering why the matchmaker was so interested in her life story , but wanting to be polite . " I was eight . We were outside , playing at Gamby , " ( a sport popular at this time in history , though it 's unclear how the two children played it when it is unique among sporting events for requiring three sides to play ) , " when Lord Ravenhurst yelled at him , ' Prince Roderick ! Come away from that filthy child and come inside for your lessons . ' We never played after that . " " It did . I asked my mother about it when I was helping her prepare supper that night . She said it 's just the way things are . " " Ugh ! The way things are ! How I hate that phrase . It 's thinking like that which forces our beloved king to marry for politics instead of love . Take a lesson from me , child , and don 't live based on the way things are , but rather on the way they should be . " Jean didn 't understand , but it didn 't matter because the king returned with some hose and tunics at this point and handed them to Jean . " I mean , there 's no hurry , " he said , stupidly . " Just , whenever you get a chance to - " " Of course , sire . Thank you , sire . Ma ' am . " With another curtsie , the girl was gone . " Now then , " said the king , after he was quite done looking at the spot where Jean was before she shut the door . " Where were we ? " " Yes , it is , isn 't it ? " said the sly old lady . Gwendolyn then asked the king for some gold for a journey she would have to go on . The king gave it to her , and Gwendolyn left , promising to return in a few days with results . After a week , Roderick was a nervous wreck . Where was she ? When would she be back ? His council , still miffed at him for brining in Gwendolyn at the advice of a jester , were not terribly helpful , so he found that the only person he could talk to was Jean . As the days wore on , their conversations got longer , so that by the time Gwendolyn had been gone a fortnight ( that 's a fancy way of saying " two weeks . " Go ahead , use it in a conversation , you 'll love it ) Jean was speaking very candidly to her king and old friend , much to the shock and outrage of the other servants . " He 's okay with it , " said Jean , defiantly . " So what difference does it make to you ? " Indeed , the two were becoming good friends , almost as good as they were when they were children . But their most common topic of discussion was , of course , the matchmaker . " I don 't know , " said Roderick , slightly embarrassed at Jean 's picking up after him . " What if she comes back and couldn 't find anyone ? I knew I should 've picked deaf instead of blind ! " " In the first place , I would 've said blind , too . Secondly , your majesty is being ridiculous . You 're worrying about nothing . My father used to say worry is just a waste of imagination . Besides , I 'm sure there are hundreds of princesses and duchesses and countesses out there who would love to be your queen . " Well , it turned out that the king 's fears about Gwendolyn not being able to find someone were not well - founded as she returned with close on to fifty beautiful damsels . It was decided that a great ball would be held so that the king could get to know them all . It was the grandest ball in all the land . The guests all looked gorgeous , the foremost musicians ( and even one or two of the fivemost ) were on hand to entertain and the finest food and wine from all over the world was served . It was , in short , THE social event of this or any other season . In fact , the name given to the ball was derived from an old word meaning " great gathering of people with food , drink and music " which was pronounced " Party . " Yeah . That 's where that comes from . Yeah . Really . Not really . Basically , it was the best celebration ever and there was only one thing missing : The king . The king was hiding in the kitchen where he surprised Jean , who had come in to get more punch to serve to the guests . " Sire , what are you doing in here ? Shouldn 't you be out enjoying your Bride - Finding Ball ? " " Yeah , I can see where that might get annoying . " Sarcasm , like the questionaire , was a recent invention , so the king didn 't quite understand . " Sire , the whole point of this ball was for you to find the woman you want to marry . " " I know , I know . It 's just … All these women are wearing these fancy gowns and shiny jewels and acting regal and they expect me to do the same . They 're all here to dance with the king , not me . They care more about my crown than I do . I 'm sure these are all perfectly nice and interesting women , " ( he was wrong , by the way , only about four of them were nice and / or interesting , the other forty - two being just as vapid and shallow as they seemed ) , " but I can 't imagine spending a Sunday morning with any one of them . I can 't even have a conversation with them because all they want to talk about is how many acres their fathers own or how many knights have died in their name . " " Yeah , it 's messed up . They 're all beautiful and rich elegant but none of them are … well , real . Maybe this whole thing was a mistake . " " He said , ' the best advice I can give you regarding love is the only advice anyone really needs : Be yourself . ' That 's true of peasants as well as kings , sire . It doesn 't matter if you don 't marry a single one of those vapid , dolled - up , overstuffed , overdressed peanhens out there who wouldn 't look a serving girl in the eye if her hair was on fire . " Eventually , Roderick did return to the party , put on a brave face and even danced with a few of the girls , but the whole time he didn 't act like " King Roderick " he just acted like … Roderick . He talked about things that made him happy and didn 't even mention his wealth and power . This made the guests a little unhappy because his wealth and power were the things about him they were most interested in . To make a long , awkward story short , the party ended with all of the glamorous guests leaving unengaged . " Sire , I looked at your questionaire and despaired of ever finding you a princess who would be right for you . Then , your maid , Jean came in the room , and I realized what I had to do . I went out and invited all those princesses and duchesses and countesses to force you to confront how phoney and pointless all this is and get you to be yourself for once . As I knew you would , you went straight where your heart led you : to your best friend and closest confidant , Jean the maid . " " Haven 't you figured it out , sire ? I gave you almost fifty gorgeous , wealthy , powerful young women to choose from , and the only one you wanted to talk to was your chambermaid . Doesn 't that tell you anything ? Haven 't you figured out Rule # 1 yet ? " It did and he had . Roderick paid Gwendolyn the remainder of her fee and she departed to find matches for the forty - six women who came to the party . She made a mint off of them and retired early to live out the rest of her days in luxury and comfort . That very same day , Roderick summoned up every last ounce of his courage and asked Jean if she would have dinner with him . She accepted , of course , and thus began a wonderful romance which led , as we all knew it would , to marriage and family . Of course , it was a terrific scandal , a king marrying an ( ugh ! ) commoner and a servant at that . Lord Ravenhurst and the council were shocked and tried desperately to talk him out of it , but failed . The servants despised Jean ( thought that was probably more jealousy than anything else ) but she let them . Neither Roderick nor Jean cared what anyone else said . They were done living to please others . And they lived very happily ever after , as we are all sure to if we only remember Rule # 1 : Be yourself ! For a while now , I have wanted to tell you some of the stories from Greek mythology . Anyone who knows anything about Greek mythology , however , will have no trouble understanding why it 's taken me this long . The original Greek myths were not fairy tales to entertain and amuse the masses or to lull children to sleep : They were warnings ! They were horror stories ! They were psycho - dramas designed to explain the inexplicable , predict the unimaginable and prepare for the unthinkable . The Greeks did not love and admire their gods ; they feared them . And the myths are , for the most part , pretty horrific reads . People criticized Disney for what they did to the Greek myths in their movie , Hercules , but can you blame them ? ! ? I have found a few of the stories that are not as horrifying and present them to you today . I should note , that I intend , at some future date , to add the legend of Perseus to this collection , but for now , here are some short ( mostly ) sweet little stories . And I 'd like to say " you 're welcome " in advance to those of you who will soon be saying " thank you for not making an ' it 's all Greek to me ' joke . " . . . oh , right . Never mind ! I . THE STORY OF PERSEPHONEA long time ago , reliable sources inform me that the world was paradise . The sun shone constantly , the flowers were always in bloom , the world was green and beautiful all year round . And why ? Because the world was in love . A beautiful girl , the daughter of the goddess Demeter , named Persephone , who was the most delicate and pure creature to ever live . Everyone and everything loved Persephone and wanted to be around her always … even Hades , the dark , cruel lord of the underworld . The God of Death himself had fallen in love with Persephone , so he captured her and took her down to his kingdom below . Of course , the world that loved her so , feeling she was gone for good , mourned the loss of their great love . The leaves fell off the trees , the flowers wilted , the air grew cold and the earth barren . Meanwhile , in the realm of Hades , his new bride was unhappy , and Hades had no idea why . She explained that she missed the world above and wanted to return , but Hades wanted to keep Persephone all to himself . In the end , they made a deal . Persephone was permitted to return to the world but only for half the year . The other half , she must spend with Hades in the underworld . She agreed and when she returned to the surface , the world blossomed again . And that is why half the year is bright , sunny and green and the other half is cold , dark and barren , when the world mourns for its lost goddess of spring . II . KING MIDASThis is the story of King Midas , and it 's all about … well , Midas … who 's a king . . . Duh . King Midas was a great , powerful , wealthy king who loved one thing above all else . Was it peace ? Happiness ? The prosperity and well - being of his subjects ? Blueberry pie ? No , of course not . It was gold ! He loved gold , he was obssessed with gold , he had , let 's face it , a very unhealthy attachment to gold . He knew he 'd never get enough gold no matter how hard he tried . One day , while walking his garden and admiring the goldenrods , he saw what appeared to be the back end of a goat , trapped in a bush . Kindly , he pulled the creature out of the bush , only to find that , while the back end was that of a goat , the front end was a little man with goat horns and a little beard which centuries later would be called a " goatee , " and not long after that would be called " a stupid looking little beard . " " I am a satyr . And because you have been kind to me , I shall do something for you . What do you desire more than anything else in the w - " " You certainly answered fast . But , no matter . You shall have your gold . But be careful , your majesty : Too much of anything is not good for you . " But the king insisted that he wanted gold , so the satyr cast a magic spell on the king . " There , " he said . " Now that should be enough gold even for you . " And right before the king 's eys , the satyr vanished . At first , King Midas was confused . He didn 't see any gold . What had the satyr meant ? He turned around to go back inside when he stumbled and , to stop himself falling , grabbed the branch of a tree . When he was again upright , he looked at the tree and saw , to his amazement , that it was now made of solid gold ! As were all the leaves and fruit in the tree . He plucked an apple and held it in his hand . Definitely gold . That 's when it hit him : The golden touch ! Now he knew that anything he touched would turn to gold ! He started touching everything in the garden , until all his flowers and tree were made of the purest , most perfect gold the world has ever seen . He cried out his thanks to the satyr and went inside his castle to touch things in there . Furniture , bannisters , tapestries , ashtrays , books , clothing , dishes , anything he could get his hands on , King Midas turned to gold ! Soon he was the richest king on earth , living in a golden palace . It was while he was thinking of what he could turn to gold next that the dinner gong rang . Making a note to turn the gong into gold after dinner , King Midas went to the dining hall , where his servants nervously served him a sumptuous meal . The king pulled in his chair , and it turned to gold . He picked up a napkin and it turned to gold . He picked up his fork and knife and they turned to gold . He picked up a chicken drumstick … and it turned to gold . Unfortunately , Midas didn 't notice this until he had already taken a bite , or tried to . " OW ! " he cried . He tried a wing , but it too turned to solid gold before he could get it to his mouth . He jabbed a piece of steak with his fork and as soon as he bit into it , as soon as his teeth touched it , it turned to gold . Now , horrorstruck , Midas began to grab wildly at all the food trying to find something he could eat . But all he did was turn the entire feast into gold ! King Midas ran back out to the now golden garden and cried out for the satyr , who appeared at his side . " Good evening , King Midas , " said the satyr . " How 's the golden touch working out for you ? " " Terrible ! " moaned the king . " I am richer now than the gods , but what good is that if I starve to death ? Please , take away the golden touch ! I beg you ! Set me free of this golden curse ! " " Well , I think you 've learned your lesson , " said the satyr , and he cast another spell on the king before disappearing forever . King Midas looked around and saw that everything he had turned to gold was now back to the way it was . The trees , the flowers , the fruit . He even plucked an apple from the tree . It did not turn to gold . He took a big bite out of it … and it was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted . And so , humbled , and having learned a valuable lesson about greed , King Midas ran back into his palace where he knew there was still a non - golden feast waiting for him . III . ORPHEUS AND EURYDICEOnce upon a time , there was a great king named Orpheus . More than a king , he was a great musician . His singing and lute playing were the stuff of legend ( case in point , this story you 're reading ) . He was the greatest singer , musician , and king the world had ever known . One day , while wandering through the woods of his domain , singing and playing , his music awoke a wood nymph , a magical creature of the forest , named Eurydice . She heard Orpheus ' singing and fell in love with him . They were married that very day . And so began a beautiful age of love and music for Orpheus , Eurydice and their people … until Eurydice was killed by a wild beast in the forest . Orpheus was distraught and thought he 'd never sing another note as long as he lived . But , no ! He wouldn 't give up ! He knew where Eurydice was and , with great courage , he descended into the underworld to get back the soul of his beloved . Of course , Hades refused to give her back no matter how much Orpheus begged and pleaded . So then , Orpheus turned his attention to Hades ' bride , Persephone , and appealed to her mercy and compassion . He even sang a song of his great love which moved Persephone to tears until she begged her husband to set Eurydice free . Hades agreed but , as usual , the God of Death plays by his own rules . Eurydice was brought forth and Orpheus was told that he could walk her out of the underworld this very day … but while he walked , she had to stay one step behind him at all times and would not say a word . Furthermore , if Orpheus looked back at her once , she would instantly return to the Pit and would belong to Hades forevermore . Orpheus agreed and turned to walk back to the world of the living . On the way , he couldn 't hear her footfalls and thought perhaps she wasn 't there . But he didn 't look back , for fear of losing her forever . He talked the whole way , desperately hoping for a sign . Finally , he was in sight of his goal . There was the gate that led to the surface … but , alas , he could resist no longer and looked over his shoulder . Eurydicie was gone , flown back to Hades , where she would remain forevermore . Orpheus returned to his kingdom and threw his lute on the fire . He never sang again . IV . PANDORA ' S BOXLet 's be clear on something : Zeus is a jerk . An enormous jerk . Perhaps the biggest jerk of all time . He destroys things he doesn 't like , seduces women in the most disturbing ways imaginable and when he has a gripe against somebody , he doesn 't just punish them , he takes it out on their whole family ! Case in point : Prometheus , who angered Zeus by bringing fire down from Olympus to give to mankind . Prometheus was punished in the most inhumane way possible ( trust me , you don 't want to know ) , but that wasn 't enough for Zeus . He also wanted to punish Epimetheus , his brother . But rather than just torment him with giant birds for all eternity , as with Prometheus ( see , I told you you didn 't want to know ) , he came up with a more sneaky plan for the brother . Epimetheus was lonely and unmarried , so Zeus had a wife made for him out of clay ( an idea he picked up from some nut called Pygmalion ) . She was given life , the name " Pandora , " and a small box with a large , heavy lock . Zeus told Pandora that the box could never be opened , and gave the key to her new husband , Epimetheus . He assumed that Epimetheus , being a weak and stupid human , would eventually allow his curiosity would get the better of him and he 'd open the box . But , as it turned out he was wrong … Pandora 's curiosity got the better of her , and she opened the box . As soon as it was open , a stream of terrible things began to fly out of it and into the world . Hate , evil , fear , famine , pestilence , cruelty , disease , death , envy , avarice , lust , everything that makes life horrible flew out of that box like a bat out of Hades before Pandora was able to close it . She took it to her husband to beg his forgiveness for opening it when she realized it was not yet empty . She opened it again and something else flew out of the box : Hope . It thanked Pandora for setting him free and flew into the world , the world which now contained disease , evil , sin … and hope . Hercules ( 1997 ) This movie , as well as the subsequent TV show , took the good bits of Greek mythology , the basic plots of the myths , and rewrote them in a more palatable , family friendly way . In my opinion , this movie is better than the myths , if for no other reason than James Woods makes a great Hades . Contains brief references to Pandora and Orpheus . Also worth checking out , if you get the chance , is the TV series which expands the universe with characters like Icarus , Helen of Troy , Adonis and Cassandra and boasts some truly impressive guest stars . " Doctor Who " ( TV ) The final episode of Season Five contains several references to Pandora 's Box . I mention it here partly to show the impact Greek mythology has had on popular culture , but also because my mother loves Doctor Who and she 's a regular reader . So , I guess . . . hi Mom ! Martha was alone . This , in and of itself , was fairly unusual , as Martha was one of those lucky children who had many people to look after her . Her mother and father , her Aunt Mildred , her father 's friend Glenn and her big sister . Today , however , her mother was at work , her father was shopping , Aunt Mildred wasn 't well and Glenn was out of town on business , which just left Martha 's big sister . Unfortunately , Martha 's big sister was at that age when she didn 't want to stay in the house looking after her little sister . " I 'll be fine , " said Martha , and a moment later , Martha 's big sister was gone and Martha was alone in the house . For a while , she kept herself occupied , but soon she fell to boredom . Then she remembered an old doll 's house up in the attic which she could bring downstairs , dust off and put back into service . Once she was up in the attic , however , she found something else : A large wooden trunk that had previously belonged to her great uncle , Pablo . Pablo had brought it with him when he came to America from Italy and had made it known that it was never to be opened under any circumstances . Which was just as well , thought Martha , as there was no key to the lock . That 's when she remembered the key drawer ! A moment later she was in the kitchen emptying that drawer next to the silverware which was full almost to the brim with keys . Keys to old cars and houses long since left behind . Keys to closets from old jobs . Keys to jewelry boxes and toy chests which hadn 't existed for generations . And more than a few keys which seemed to hve no clear function . These were the keys Martha took upstairs and tried , one by one , in the old trunk . Finally , key number 82 succeeded and turned easily in the lock . For a moment , Martha was nervous , but her curiosity got the best of her and he opened the trunk . The top flew open and to Martha 's considerable surprise , a man stepped out ! A tall , thin man , in elegant , old - fashioned clothes ( which looked very worn and ratty ) who did not look for one second as though he 'd be able to fit in that box . He stepped out and reached back into the trunk to help another man get out ! This one was shorter and fatter , but just as strangely attired . Martha began to wonder if this was some kind of trick ; if perhaps there was no bottom to the trunk . Just then , both of the first two men helped a third man get out . This one was older but had very broad , strong shoulders and his bizarre costume was topped with an elegant hat . " We are robbers ! " was the answer , and the man who was now clearly the leader of the gang removed his hat and bowed very low indeed . " We are the most fearsome and terrible criminals of all time . A clever man named Pablo trapped us in this horrible box years ago . Speaking of which , what year is it , young lady ? " Martha told them and all three men were completely shocked . " I did not realize we had been imprisoned that long ! Still , we must not dwell on the past . We must move forward and pick up where we left off . " " You could take on some other profession . How do you feel about banking ? Teaching ? Are you good with animals ? How fast can you type ? " For fully thirty - six minutes , Martha tried to suggest a career that would appeal to these robbers . But , in the end , they had shaken their head at every idea in turn . " Sorry , Miss Martha , " said the leader . " But there is one thing we can do and one thing we like to do . And that is to steal . So , gentlemen : To work ! " While Martha watched in horror , the men started going through the attic , looking for anything they could steal . And just when they were about to descend the stairs and leave with their ill - gotten booty ( or their ill - booten gotty ) , suddenly the doorbell rang . The robbers , having been prisoners for so long , had never heard an electric doorbell and were frightened . " It 's just someone at the door , " said Martha and , at the robbers ' request , she went to see who it was . Now , in actual fact , it was just a delivery boy who had left a pacakge on the front step and rang the doorbell before he left . But Martha had a plan . She ran back up the stairs and said , as if in a panic , " It 's the police ! They 've got the house surrounded ! " " Back in the trunk . They 'd never think three men would fit in there . It 's the safest place . " So the robbers climbed one by one back into the trunk from whence they had so recently emerged . And when the lid was shut , Martha , quick as a flash , turned the key and locked it . Then she took all the keys and put them back in the key drawer in the kitchen , except the key to the robbers trunk . That one she kept with her at all times . Then , the following summer , when her family went on a trip to the beach , she hurled the key into the sea so that nobody could ever open the trunk ever again . Martha 's big sister came home less than an hour after she had left to find her little sister playing happily in the front room . " I 'm glad you 're okay , " she said . " I met my friends and then I started to feel guilty about leaving you alone and came home as fast as I could . I 'm sorry , Martha . " If You Liked My Story , You Might Enjoy : American Fairy Tales by L . Frank Baum . Besides " The Box of Robbers " this volume contains such wonderful stories as " The Capture of Father Time , " " The Girl Who Owned a Bear " and " The King of the Polar Bears . " And , of course , you should definitely check out his Oz stories .
|
Month : April 2016 The F - Bomb : Friend or Foe ? April 5 , 2016April 9 , 2016 by Rose I am searching for an answer . Not to the " Why are we here ? " type of question . I just want to know if a writer like me should use the F - bomb . The F @ * # word . That frigging , fragging , flipping , flurping notorious expletive that either disgusts or delights us . When I was a kid , raised in a rural town in Oregon , the word was a big fat naughty no - no . Little old ladies would faint at the sound , and the word on the street was , " The F word is eeeee ‑ vil ! " I never once said it , fearing a lightning - bolt might take me out . As a teenager , I heard some of the really tough kids use that word , as they threw knives at each other 's feet playing chicken . ( What else is there to do when it rains for nine months straight ? ) Anyway , once again the conclusion was , only a knife - yielding delinquent would use that word . I moved to California as a musician , started a family , and even got involved in a church for a time . Not very conducive to swearing . I wanted to be a good person , be a good example , I wanted to look back on my life and say I never hurt anybody . People called me " Sweet " and " So nice ! " and " Such an angel ! " They even called me Saint Rose , I kid you not . Yeah . I was nice . But where was my backbone ? When did I take a stand and ruffle a feather or two ? I had political opinions but kept them to myself because I had both very conservative religious friends and far left liberal atheist friends . I was a mamby - pamby milktoast girl with a strong sense of self on the inside , and a weenie on the outside . I walked my career as a musician without stepping on any cracks . I tiptoed through my song choices with caution and frosting . Mick Jagger swaggered and sang deliciously naughty things that most of society played to their children . Me ? I changed words around to make them G rated , deflating the fun balloon till it was a limp piece of rubber that was no longer interesting . One day I woke up and decided I was going to be me . Just me , without all the frosting and rose - colored glasses . I made an effort to express my true opinions and feelings , and wondered if I 'd still have friends at the end of the day . You know what ? I got a great big " Bravo , it 's about time ! " from pretty much everyone ! I work hard every day to lose old habits , and try to never repress . Now I sing what I want to sing . I rarely mess with lyrics . I write stories too , and try to stretch my characters beyond my own limitations . And now … I swear at my computer sometimes . Okay , lots of times . And yes , now and then , alone at home , I 'll drop that F bomb , because it releases anger and somehow makes me feel better in the moment . And then I go put a quarter in the jar . ( Okay , just kidding about the jar . ) Last week I sat down to write a story . I had a blank slate , no idea or outline , I just put my hands on the keyboard and started typing . What came out surprised me , in a very wonderful way . It was a story called Cali 's Mojo . The story was me , if I hadn 't been such a conventional people - pleaser . Unlike me , she lost her parents when she was twelve and became a runaway . Unlike me , she spoke her mind - all of it . Unlike me , she did exactly what she needed to do without compromise . I finished the story , and remembered my younger self who was so shocked by that word . I thought , do I owe it to others to be considerate ? Should I remove the word ? I have a whole arsenal of lovely cuss words to choose from that aren 't as repugnant to some . Then I thought , " Hell no ! " Sorry . I meant " Heck no ! I will not slide back into that person who has to weigh everybody else 's opinion and lose myself in the process . " Still , I 'm a mother . A mother who told my own children it was a bad word . But I am a different me now . And Cali - the protagonist in my story - she 's different too . All my characters are different . My instinct and promise to myself , was to be absolutely true to the character . She 's an edgy street - smart runaway who doesn 't give a flying … fig what people think . I want to be more like her . Who am I if I am just me , without wringing my hands and wondering what everyone else thinks of me ? That 's the person I am desperately trying to be true to , so she can come out of the closet , so to speak . I asked my husband , who read Cali 's Mojo . I got a bowl me over , adamant , " Absolutely you cannot take the F word out . It 's who she is . You can 't sugar coat your writing . " I asked my fourth grade teacher , whom I greatly respect and who is a published writer herself . She wrote me a very balanced letter saying she is old - school and one of those who finds the word boring and unnecessary . She also respected very much , the fact that I even asked her opinion . I asked my sister , a High School English teacher who also helps me edit sometimes . She said , " It 's okay to skip the F - bomb , but don 't take away from her authenticity - she 's no priss ! She is tough and strong . " Cali would never have asked the question at all . She 'd probably give me an earful just for writing this piece and questioning my unfiltered expression . I believe , after much thinking , that I will not filter . I endeavor to be the writer that does not censor herself . I write what flows from me , authentic and true . I may offend those who , like the old me , are weary of that word . I may offend people who don 't like my subject matter . I may offend people just for being me . But that 's okay . I know I am loved for who I am , too . And at the end of the day , I need to honor the artist . Categories My Two Cents ( essays ) Tags Blog , f - bomb , rose winters10 Comments Cali 's Mojo April 5 , 2016April 9 , 2016 by Rose It doesn 't matter what people say , I am going to walk my path , purple hair , a guitar slung over my shoulders , and a whole crazy world of crap behind me . Australia will take me . The people here are cool . They 're tough . Their ancestors were criminals , banished to Australia back in the day , sometimes just for stealing a loaf of bread . I think I had it bad ? Kinda puts things in perspective . Botany Bay - this is where the ships came in to drop off the prisoners . Not to put behind bars . More like , " Here 's an island continent . See ya - never . Don 't let the crocs bite your ass . " The prisoners survived , with nothing but the shirt on their back . Me ? I have a guitar , and I 'm gonna rock this place like an earthquake , and make them see me . I am Cali , I 'm a seventeen - year - old girl , and I 'm ready . It all started I guess , when I was five , in a rural town in Oregon . I was finger painting in class , and got sent home for painting my face and hair , and my friend Erin 's too . Erin was awesome . She was my best friend . She always had my back . Man , my dad was pissed . I locked myself in my room and stared at the red blobs of paint in my hair , and that 's when I knew I had to be different . It felt incredible . I looked like a superhero . I felt like a superhero . " Cali ! " He pounded on the door and I could hear him rattling his keys , about to come in . So , being a superhero , I jumped out the window … and broke my arm . Guess flying wasn 't my superpower . The cast was cool - everyone signed it . And everyone looked at me different after that , like I was really brave or something . I shrugged when people asked if it hurt . It hurt like shit but I remember pretending it didn 't . I told Erin though , about it hurting , and when we were alone in the bathroom I even cried , and made her swear not to tell . Only five and I was already totally fucked up . Erin and I rode horses , and we did all kinds of daredevil stuff , like riding side - saddle , backwards , lying down or standing on the back of the horses , all with no saddle . Sometimes we rode with no reins like the Indians did , and made up crazy stories pretending we were bank robbers , or abducted by aliens , or caught in a whirlwind and whisked away to another dimension . We acted everything out on horses , or swinging from trees , or on the ground punching imaginary villains . Anyone watching thought we were crazy , but it was the best time of my life . I loved Erin 's blond hair and freckles and blue eyes . And she said she loved my dark long hair , my brown eyes and the way my skin turned bronze in the summer . I met Zoe , and she had a guitar . She wasn 't all wild like me and Erin , she was sweet and mellow , and she worried a lot . It was kind of funny to have a worrisome friend . I always did stuff that gave her a heart - attack , like the time I stole my Dad 's keys and drove her all around the neighborhood . The thing about Zoe was , she was scared but she did it anyway . That 's what I loved the most about her . We watched old movies and went for walks and talked about how stupid boys were , except for the boy from Japan ( Zoe 's love interest ) and the boy with the long hair ( my love interest . ) Zoe showed me a few chords on her guitar , and she was really surprised at how fast I learned . Pretty soon I was writing songs and she 'd dance and scream like a groupie . We both cut our hair all bad - ass . I shaved mine on one side , and she shaved the back of hers a little bit , just above the nape of her neck . That way , it didn 't show unless she wore a pony tail . She only wore a pony tail that first day , and then she grew it out again . Me ? I had a different haircut every other month , each one weirder than the next . I didn 't want to cry too much about … it . So I found a cure for the pain . Weed . I moved in with Zoe for a few months but her parents were really worried I 'd be a bad influence on her . When they found the weed - and I had a lot - I was put in the foster system . I 'll never forget Zoe , timid quiet mellow Zoe , screaming and fighting her parents when the car came to take me away . She even kicked her dad in the shin . I was glad she did , he was an ass . Her mom was cool though , and she let Zoe give me her guitar . Zoe hugged me goodbye , and said something that changed my life . She said , " When you get mad or sad , just write a song . It 'll work better than weed . You 'll see . " She was right . Pretty soon I didn 't need the weed , but holy shit did I ever write . Morning , noon and night , when I could . Yeah . About the foster parents - that lasted all of twelve hours , and for the second time I jumped out the window . I was three stories up , so I aimed for the bushes . I ripped open my cheek on a branch , and I didn 't dare go to a hospital so I ended up with a scar . I think it 's cool . Kind of like a bandit or a comic book hero . I named my scar Erin , and I named my guitar Zoe . I was thirteen , and tall for my age . I had boobs , and with a little make - up I passed for 15 . I hitched a ride to San Francisco and got a job waiting tables for a Chinese guy named Shen who never asked me for ID . I got to eat whatever I wanted , and he let me sleep in the back room with another family , the Lee 's , also from China . They didn 't have ID either . They all had my back , and never asked what my story was . If they had , I would have walked away . I didn 't like thinking about … the thing that happened in the pizza parlor . I became friends with my room - mates the Lee 's , and after work I played guitar for them . They had a little boy named Tot , who would dance and rock out , and he reminded me so much of Zoe I ached all over . The owner , Shen , liked my music and he asked me to play for his customers . I sat on a stool with my guitar case open , and damn if I didn 't make thirty bucks in tips ! I thought I was rich ! Every night after that , when the chores were done and the people were served , I 'd play . I saved fifteen hundred dollars in four months , just in tips . One night I walked in the back room and the Lee 's were gone . Oh crap , I thought . They 've been deported . But Shen told me that they 'd saved up enough money to get their green card . I was surprised . And then he told me it was a " special " green card , as in a fake . He told me I could get one too - fake ID anyway . I really thought about it . I had the money . And superheroes always had a secret identity . I 'd just turned 14 , and I had a long wait to be an adult . But I wanted to be me . Just me , not fake me , the world be damned . So I didn 't do it . I saw an ad for a band looking for a guitar player , so I went to audition , and I got the gig . There was a hot guy named Brad who played drums and bossed everyone around because he was the best musician . The bass player Fred was from France and he was pretty terrible . We called ourselves Head Trip and played a lot of Zeppelin . They liked the edgy stuff but I liked the acoustic earthy songs and we butted heads a lot . Fred from France was all about Heavy Metal and he 'd head bang even if we were playing a ballad . Our first gig was at some street fair at Golden Gate park where we just set up and jammed and got a guitar case full of tips , until the cops came and asked us if we had a permit . Here we had an audience and happy faces and we were playing rebel rock and they wanted a frigging permit . I mean , what happened to land of the free and all that ? On our second gig Fred head banged like an ass and Brad punched him , right in the middle of Going to California . Brad swore the timing wasn 't on purpose , but Fred got punched right when I was singing the lyrics Seems that the wrath of the Gods got a punch on the nose and it started to flow , I think I might be sinking . And that was the end of Head Trip . Shen 's brother and family moved into the back and I was kindly asked to leave . By this time , I was almost 15 . I met a lady named Julie who was a recovering alcoholic , and she had a couple foster kids . She asked me to live with her and I said , " Only if it 's under the radar , no paperwork , and I can go if I want . " Turns out she was a really awesome home - school teacher , and a Juilliard musician . She was a pianist but she could play guitar " a bit , " as she put it . That woman could rock , I 'm not kidding . I never knew a Mozart - playing pianist could turn around and wail on Frank Zappa tunes . She said Zappa guitar was her drinking years , the Juilliard Mozart piano was her sober years . I thought that was funny . She spent hours every night with me , teaching me guitar licks , until I couldn 't believe what was coming out of my fingers . My two foster brothers were cool . I was told they 'd been severely abused by their parents , but they really seemed to flourish under Julie 's care . She gave us all attention - the kind we each needed as individuals . Bob , the youngest , was some sort of computer genius , and Julie had her brother Stanley the tech guru , tutor him . Timmy was gay , and she helped him with that too , we all did . He went from a sullen whipped puppy to a bright - eyed guy with a wicked sense of humor , who loved and accepted himself . At fifteen I could finally get a work permit , and Julie let me put her down as my legal guardian . She had a soft spot for runaways , as the police soon found out . She was busted , which I thought was the real crime . She was the best thing that had ever happened to any of us runaways . For the third time I jumped out of a window , at Julie 's house , when the cops arrived . This time my room was on the first floor so I got away without a scrape , but I heard later that Julie had to go to prison . So instead of Julie , me and the two foster brothers healing each other , we all got dumped . Me in the streets , Julie in jail , and the foster boys into the dysfunctional system . I 'm the only one who wound up free . I walked to Golden Gate Park and made my home there for a few weeks . It was creepy at night and I slept in bushes to avoid the muggers . By day I played my guitar , practicing the riffs Julie had shown me . My voice low and raspy like a blues singer , I played my own songs . They weren 't sad , most of them . They were about life and the streets and following your dream , that sort of thing . But many people told me there was a hidden sorrow behind the lyrics . Try as I might to find the words they were talking about , I couldn 't . I guess it was just the tone of my voice . A lady with a fancy hat told me my songs made her heart hurt in a wonderful way . On a Friday before Christmas , something wonderful happened . Something completely crazy . There I was at Golden Gate Park , freezing my ass off . The guitar strings were like ice , but I was feeling the music and singing from my soul . A man in a trench coat said , with clouds of vapor coming out of his mouth , " How much for playing at my Christmas party tomorrow night ? My band cancelled . " When he left I whispered , " Holy shit . " And the next night after the gig I had five thousand big ones in my pocket . I really didn 't think it was a good idea to sleep in the bushes with so much dough . I looked at all the nice hotels , the warm inviting restaurants , and I did indulge in a bagel , but I wanted to use the rest of the money for something more important . I gave it to Stanley to bail Julie out of jail . It was the best thing I 'd ever done . Especially because Julie found the boys and eventually adopted them , so I heard . Anyway , I stepped off the bus in downtown San Diego . Wow . Lots of homeless , like me . Well , not like me . Mentally ill , most of them , poor things , talking to themselves and sleeping on sidewalks . Just like San Francisco . I thought things would be different down south . I decided I didn 't want to end up like that , so I walked up and down every street , entered every bar , pub and restaurant , and auditioned . If they said they didn 't have live music , I said I 'd play for tips . By the end of the first night I had seventeen business cards , five gigs lined up and fifty - two bucks in my pocket from an audition that turned into an hour , with claps and hoots and tips . And best of all , dinner . She answered , " Akala , why are you here ? " She laughed , good and hard . " I am here , same as you . I am here to live . " " What do you mean ? " Again she laughed , and I laughed too , I couldn 't help it . She sat forward on her bunk and said , " The streets are dangerous . It 's safer in here . " We laughed again . Funny how some people are connected by laughter . I felt like she was my sister in about ten seconds . She told me a wild ass story about her dad , some Aboriginal chief , and how it was time for her walkabout so she came to San Diego . But then she raised up a can of coke , and we laughed so hard we leaned into each other and knocked heads , and it hurt like shit and we laughed even harder . I 'll never forget that . Man , that was one of life 's moments where you just have to stop and say , " I 'm remembering this . " And you can pull it out again and again when you really need some hope . I don 't know what possessed me , I hated talking about the past , but I told her my story . I left out the pizza parlor thing . But pretty much everything else came up by the end of the night . Finally , she shook her head and said , " Crikey , Cali ! That 's some Walkabout ! You 're lucky to be alive ! " " You know . Good luck . Here . " She pulled a string from around her neck and showed me a round stone with a sort of star painted on it . " This is my talisman . For good luck . What 's yours ? " Well shit . This was getting annoying . " Give me a fucking break ! " I grabbed a pillow and hit her with it , and we had a big old giggly pillow fight . Then she stopped and said , " Come on . You got Mojo . I want to see what it looks like . What do you carry with you ? " There was … one thing . I used it every day but … I tried not to give it any thought . I reached in my pocket and pulled out a purple guitar pick with a flame on it . She nodded . " There you go . " She gave me a funny smile , all sly and wise , and said , " It 's three in the morning . I 'm going to sleep . Goodnight Cali . " I didn 't answer . I pretended to be asleep , but damn if I didn 't start crying . Stupid Akala . I mean , it was silent tears and all , I wasn 't heaving and sobbing like an idiot . Truth be told , it did make me feel a little better , runny nose and everything . I stared out at the moon from our little window for an hour or so , and I finally whispered , " Thank you Mom . " She 'd put that guitar pick in my Christmas stocking right after Zoe taught me to play guitar . I always took it as a message , that Mom liked me the way I was . Kind of like " It 's okay to have crazy hair and play Zoe 's guitar . Just be you . " We walked a couple miles at best and oh my god . It was like Disneyland . I mean , the buildings were all white rococo and fancy , there were botanical gardens and museums and one of those 3 - D theatres and even a bug museum , I kid you not . There was a really pretty fountain and beautiful lawns and stuff . Akala pulled a long hollow piece of wood from her case , called a didgeridoo . She said people made stupid ass fake ones and sold them to the tourists , but a real Aboriginal didgeridoo was a tree branch that had been hollowed out by ants . I totally thought she was kidding but she wasn 't . It was all smooth and perfect and painted with tribal symbols , it was the coolest fucking thing I 'd ever seen . She sat down on the edge of the fountain and put the didgeridoo between her legs and blew on the top of it . What came out honestly freaked me out , in the weirdest , best possible way . Like a groaning , rumbling , ache of a sound . I closed my eyes and felt the notes reverberate inside my chest . It took me somewhere . Shit , I think I went on a walkabout in my mind . The tone was so low , and floated into my ears and took all my pain and anger and loneliness that I didn 't even know was there and shook it out of me , out of my pores and expelled it until all that was left was just me and Akala and the music , somewhere in the Outback . I saw her people in my mind , with painted faces , staring at me with black eyes . I felt a bond , with them , and with the earth . I opened my eyes and there I was in a park by a fountain and I thought , now that was frigging awesome ! Anyway , after that I was in . Completely in . I was the groupie . The thought made me smile , I was always the one who had " groupies , " like Zoe all dancing around , and little Tot from the back room at Shen 's . So I stood up and danced . But not rocking out - no screaming or jumping . Just sort of swaying and waving the air gently . The funny thing was , other people joined me ! This goofy dance I was doing , everyone else felt it too and pretty soon Akala had a big - ass fan club ! She told me she made more tips in that hour than she ever had before . She sat down and played her didgeridoo while I played guitar , and we stared at each other with wide eyes , because it was fucking cool ! Man that was an exciting moment , where we both realized something really amazing was happening . I kicked open my guitar case and made a shitload of tips . But that wasn 't even the craziest part . A guy named Kai with a pierced ear and skinny jeans stood listening for a good hour . Then he gave us his card - he was the entertainment director for the House of Blues . He said he wanted us to play there but it was up to us to fill the place if we wanted to get paid . Akala frowned and shook her head . " Lots of stuff . That 's a terrible answer . Are you a musician or not ? Who are you ? What music is completely you ? " I sat there with Akala and we played until the sun went down . It was unreal , how our music worked together . But what worked best were the jams where we just let the music take over . So I 'd sing a song that would normally be four minutes long and we 'd turn it into ten just playing off each other , my fingers flying , with Akala 's ethereal swirl of resonating sound in the background . Then she 'd blow some wild percussive patterns and I 'd stop playing and just pat the guitar with both hands like a drum . Me and Akala bought I Pods and a little speaker and listened to the recording ten times that night , eating pizza and drinking coke in our hostel . It felt so weirdly normal , like we were every day average teenagers . Only we weren 't listening to our favorite rock stars , we were listening to us ! Things were so great we talked about getting an apartment together . That was a great night , another memory to really remember . Akala gave me a lot of those - great memories , I mean . Four days later it was St . Patrick 's day . Akala played at the park and I had a gig at an Irish pub . Everyone was getting wasted drunk so I played some Frank Zappa in honor of Julie 's " drinking years . " I got to thinking about her , and the foster boys Timmy and Bob , and how cool she was and how she was kind of like a mother to me . So after work I gave her a call , hoping she was still at the same house . I had ten gigs lined up but I canceled them all and got on the first bus back to San Francisco . And you know what ? Akala came with me . Now that 's a friend . Akala and I took a city bus over to Julie 's , but Akala hung back and sat on a bench in the yard . Timmy was there at the door . He gave me a big hug . He 'd just turned fourteen and he was all GQ with his tight jeans and buttoned down shirt and his hair all slicked back . He was bad - ass handsome , and I told him so . He told me he had a boyfriend that had given him some fashion tips and taken him shopping . I teased him about having a sugar daddy and we both laughed . It 's weird how you can laugh when you 're scared . I wasn 't ready to ask about Julie , so I said , " Where 's Bob ? " I felt like ten tons of bricks fell off my shoulder . Somehow I thought , if a person eats a grilled cheese sandwich they can 't be dying . I know it 's stupid but that 's what I thought . We walked into the kitchen . Bob was thirteen by then . And he 'd grown a bunch in just the few months I 'd been away . " Geez Bob , you 're all tall and lanky ! " Oh crap . That made me want to cry , but I blinked a bunch of times and ended up with just a tight throat . " So … what 's going on ? " Bob stood there with a grilled cheese on a plate sniffling and red - faced and it was all so surreal . He said Julie had some weird rare form of cancer . Some tiny little bump on her face . I mean , what the heck ? A tiny bump ? " I 'm so glad you came . " Her pretty strawberry blond hair hung over her shoulder . I guess I 'd been expecting her to be bald or something . Oh damn . That did it . I just sat there and cried , so hard my voice didn 't work for about five minutes . Finally , I squeaked out in a weird voice , " I 'm sorry . " I was . I was so sorry I caused her to worry . God I never for a minute had even thought about that . I just felt so selfish . I whispered , because that 's all my voice would do , " Is there anything we can do to fix this ? Anything at all ? Chemo , radiation , surgery ? " She explained that her condition was extremely rare , and cancer wasn 't covered by her insurance . They 'd even asked her if she had a house she could mortgage . The answer was no and that was that . She nodded . " I 'd like that . But not for me . Maybe for cancer research . Make them aware of this disease , that it needs funding . " I could tell she 'd given up . I could also tell she totally didn 't believe me about the concert . I wouldn 't have believed me either , just a few months earlier . But San Diego changed things . Suddenly I believed I could do it . I needed to at least try . I squeezed her hand . " How … how long ? " I sat there on her bed and told her about Akala and The House of Blues , and even my " Mojo , " which got a laugh out of Julie . I showed everyone the guitar pick and then I slipped it under Julie 's pillow . " For you . " I gave her a kiss on the forehead . Turns out Stanley moved in when she 'd gotten sick . What a cool guy . He 'd even promised to take the boys if … you know - if the worst happened . We played the House of Blues recording to everyone and Bob the computer whiz said " You need a website . " And he and Stanley built us one , with a store and everything , where you could buy a download of our recording . Stanley asked what we wanted to charge , and it was Akala who said , " A donation of their choice to the cancer research for Julie . " Timmy took some pictures of us playing our instruments for the website and it ended up looking pretty cool ! It had a calendar and everything , for our shows . Of course we had no shows . I pointed to the following Saturday . " There . Put our benefit concert on the calendar , at Golden Gate Park . " Remember my band " Head Trip " and the hot , bossy drummer named Brad ? Yeah . I called him . He said we could use all his gear , as long as he could play too . So that 's how we got a PA system and a drummer . As for Fred from France , he 'd moved back to France . According to Brad , Fred had shouted in a huff at the airport , " I 'm going back to Marseilles where people won 't punch me . " I tried not to laugh about it but I did anyway . Poor Fred . Timmy gave me and Akala his room and he bunked with Bob and Stanley . Julie slept a lot , but when she was awake she always asked us to play for her . She just loved that didgeridoo ! And she loved my songs . Her favorite was the one I wrote for her - a song called " Strawberry Smile . " People always assumed it was about a lover but it was really just Julie 's kind face and strawberry blond hair . Visualizing her sometimes calmed my nightmares : " A twisted fright in the cold icy night is soothed by a strawberry smile . " If it had been anybody else , I would have run , right then and there . My heart pounded like a hammer . The stupid pizza parlor flashed in my mind and I shoved it away . Julie didn 't know about that anyway . How could she ? " Shiiiiiit . Oh shit . Oh shit . " I panicked . I stood up but she gripped my hand and she said in a commanding voice , " Cali . Sit down right now . I mean it . " " Cali , don 't you dare feel guilty about this . Guilt is a useless emotion . It 's a poison and I simply won 't allow it in my house . " " I 'm telling you this , not to hurt you , but to help you . Three words you need to hear are ' Action , not guilt . ' Say it back to me . " Julie patted her pillow . " Come here sweetie . Come lie down with me . We 've said enough for tonight . Can you promise me you won 't run away until after you 've heard the rest ? " Laughing at her totally horrible sense of humor made me feel better . " Okay . I promise . " I lay down next to her and stared at the ceiling . " Go ahead . I 'm ready . " " They … died . They were shot by some crazy guy in a pizza parlor . " There . I said it . Okay . That wasn 't so bad . I felt like I was sucker - punched in the gut . I felt all sick and pasty again . " Spending the night with my friend Zoe . " I really thought I was going to throw up . " There 's nothing you could possibly have done , Cali . I 'm sure if you could ask your parents , they would be so grateful that you weren 't there . Thank God you were at Zoe 's . Thank God you 're safe . " Julie told me about " Survivor guilt . " Whatever . I tried not to think about it , but ever since then , I couldn 't push it all away . Not completely , like I used to do . Julie told me my Uncle was still in Wales but he 'd take care of me there . That completely freaked me out . I didn 't even know my uncle . And Wales ? I didn 't know a soul in Wales . Julie said if I did things the right way , I would have more choices . And she was right . Was she ever right . As sick as she was , she and Stanley took me to the police department and we signed a bunch of papers . The police said there was a letter in my missing person 's file , from Erin 's family ! Remember Erin , my horseback riding friend ? They said I could come live with them in Thailand ! The letter was three years old . Man . I had no idea . I could have been riding elephants and eating Pad Thai the whole time instead of living in bushes and hostels . Julie was granted temporary custody of me while we got things figured out . We left out the part about her cancer . They didn 't have a checkbox for that anyway . We got home and got Julie straight to bed . She was exhausted . I felt really bad and I told her so , but she said with a beaming smile , " Don 't you see ? Action , not guilt ! You took action today , and now look at all the choices you have ! You made me very happy today , and I couldn 't be prouder . " She really did look happy , so I let the guilt go . Akala and I went to Brad 's house to rehearse and wow , live drums added a whole new level of cool to our band . He had a new bass player , a girl named Daisy , and she was awesome . She joined the project too . We decided to do both original and cover tunes . I always liked the song , " Dream On " from Aerosmith so that got worked into the show too . You know something else ? Brad and Akala totally had the hots for each other ! It took about two rehearsals and they were already making out when they thought we weren 't looking . I was happy for Akala . Turns out her visa was expiring . We called the Australian Consulate to try to extend it , but we couldn 't . At least she didn 't have to go back to Australia until after the concert . And hey , remember my first gig at the park where we didn 't have a permit ? I thought , What the heck . And we did it the right way and got a permit . Now this is weird . There I was , for the second time holding his business card . It said ' Dr . Carl Mills , Neurosurgeon . ' I 'd seen it the last time but it wasn 't significant . This time it was . I said , " You 're a doctor ? " He said two really cool things . First he said , " Tell you what . I 'll donate the stage . And the lighting . You have to have lighting . " Akala , Brad , Daisy and I ran all over San Francisco putting up flyers that Bob and Stanley made for us . Stanley even called a bunch of radio and TV stations . And you know what ? When it 's a benefit , you don 't have to pay for advertising ! We went to a printer shop to make a big - ass banner but crap they were insanely expensive for the huge ones . Akala said , " Would you donate a banner ? We will thank you on live TV in front of thousands of people ! " Now we really didn 't think we 'd actually be on live TV nor have thousands of people , but the owner was convinced and we got our banner free . Saturday came and oh my god . We all felt like rock stars . I dyed my hair green and bought a used jean jacket with rivets and cool patches . We had a killer stage to strut around on , scaffolding and lighting , a huge banner with Way Outback and our website printed on it for donations . And people came , and came , and came . Even Julie , in a living room recliner that the guys had carried and put right up front for her . Vendors came too , which was funny , because we had nothing to do with that . We had the boys run around and put jars and hats and anything we could find at all the vendor 's stations , for donations to Julie 's cancer research fund . Julie couldn 't believe her eyes . None of us could . Brad and Daisy walked on stage and started playing a deep primal beat . I jumped onstage , strumming wildly , and Akala - she dove on the stage , did this crazy somersault thing that made the audience go crazy , and she did this incredible Aboriginal dance with a painted face . She was gorgeous and bright as the sun . Then she started playing her didgeridoo and the whole crowd hushed to a whisper , like they were all caught up in a trance . And then I started singing and we jammed and everyone erupted again . People danced and between songs we 'd talk about Julie , and people like her who needed hope . Stanley sat next to the stage watching the website donations . Man . The first fifteen minutes we already had a thousand dollars ! It went up and up and by the end of the show we had seventeen thousand dollars . Julie was in tears practically the whole show , and strangers were hugging her and praying for her and laying hands on her . Every religion under the sun was represented I think , each shining their version of God right into Julie 's heart . Maybe that 's what healed her . Maybe it was the guitar pick under her pillow . And along with all that prayer and mojo and love , was the oncologist that Dr . Mills found for us . And guess where he was located ? San Diego . The day after the show , Akala had to go back to Australia . She kissed Brad goodbye and then told him to go . When she was alone with me she said , " Brad is okay , but he 's too bossy for me . It 's you I 'll miss . " There I was at the airport , with my throat all tight again . Akala always did that to me . Anyway we hugged goodbye and she told me if I ever needed a home , to come to Australia . And then me and Julie got on a bus to San Diego . Dr . Mills had explained our financial situation and the oncologist was surprised when we said we could pay seventeen thousand dollars . After all , it was for cancer research and he was the leading cancer research guy . I caught Julie looking at her stitches in the mirror . I gave her a hug and said , " Don 't worry , I have a scar too . It 's not so bad . I even named mine Erin . " Julie laughed . " I 'm not worried , I 'm grateful . I 'm going to carry this scar around like a diamond tiara . It saved me . " She turned to me and hugged me . " Actually , you saved me . " I thought that was funny , because that 's what I 'd told Akala about my scar , but Akala had said " No , Mojo is something you carry . " But Julie said she 'd carry the scar around like a tiara , so I figured it counted , and Julie found her mojo that day . A scar that she decided to name " Cali . " Julie and I got back to San Francisco and she kept trying to talk about the pizza parlor thing . She told me I shouldn 't call it the pizza parlor thing anymore , either . She said my mom and dad would want to be remembered . She said , " If I had died of cancer , I wouldn 't want you to call me ' The grilled cheese sandwich thing . ' " I 'd just turned sixteen , and you 'd think I was all mature and stuff . But me and Zoe screamed like banchees at the sound of each other 's voices ! I mean , I don 't think we said one comprehensible word for the first five minutes ! And then I heard her dad in the background yelling at Zoe to be quiet , and her saying , " Dad , it 's Cali ! " Remember me saying he was an ass ? Well I take it back . He got on the phone and he was just so nice and sweet and concerned and all . He also apologized to me for putting me in the foster system and he said he should have tried harder . That surprised the heck out of me . And Zoe was screaming " Dad , give me the phone ! God ! " She sounded like a bratty teen - ager , it was funny ! It sounded like … family . I ached all over like my skin was one big bruise . Zoe 's dad asked if I wanted to come visit . Or even stay . That maybe we could just get to know each other again . Zoe grabbed the phone with a " God , Dad ! She 's my friend ! " Timmy threw a kitchen towel at me and Bob laughed his butt off . Then I told Zoe they were actually my brothers , sort of . She was all giggly and hyper and I thought , " Wow . That 's what a sixteen - year - old is supposed to be like . " It was weird because I wasn 't like that at all . Not anymore . When I got off the bus , there was Zoe , this beautiful woman of a girl , with bright blue eyes and light brown hair all short and bouncy . There was my mellow friend . We hugged and even cried a little . And she had her driver 's license ! She reminded me of when we were twelve and I drove her all over , and now she was finally gonna drive me around and scare the hell out of me ! She was so funny ! And cool . Really honest to god cool . We got ice cream , and I freaked out when we got near the … street . You know . The pizza parlor . Zoe held my hand and said , " Don 't worry , that place is gone . It 's a flower shop now . " A flower shop . That made me feel better . That felt right . So we walked in the flower shop and I bought two roses . When my parents were cremated their ashes had been sprinkled in the Willamette River . I 'd blocked out the memory for so long , but suddenly I remembered sitting on a park bench , crying , because I didn 't want to see the ashes go in the river . Me and Zoe walked to the river and sat on that park bench with our ice creams . It really was a beautiful river , the water all raging and majestic , surrounded by dogwood trees with their new leaves and flowers budding out all over . We finished our ice cream and walked to the edge of the river and I gently set the roses down and watched them float away . I said , " I love you Mom and Dad . I miss you so much . I 'm sorry I forgot for a while . I 'm back now . I 'm okay , you don 't have to worry about me . " When we got back to Zoe 's house , her dad sat me down all business - like . " So , have you thought about where you 'd like to live ? I understand you have several choices . " I opened my backpack . " I 'm being home - schooled . My curriculum is kind of messed up , and I missed a lot of school , but I 'm on a sort of catch - up program . " I stayed with them for a whole year . I even went to public school which was weird and sometimes uncomfortable . There were rich kids there who had so much stuff and thought that made them cool . I felt sorry for them . They 'd probably never feel the thrill of living truly on their own , hand to mouth . I mean , yes being broke sucked but it was also very freeing . I hung out with Zoe of course , it was like I never left . We watched old movies and went for long walks . She went out with her boyfriend a lot but that was cool . I liked alone time to write music . Being back in my hometown brought a different level to my music . I guess if I had a word it would be my music matured . I felt safe and comfortable . And restless , if I had to be totally honest . I loved Zoe with all my heart . Her family was great , and had been unbelievably kind and generous . But I wished … to go . I didn 't know where . I just felt like I didn 't quite fit in the town any more . I thought about Julie and San Francisco . I thought about Erin and Thailand . It sounded so exotic and exciting , but not quite right . Later that night I talked to Zoe about it . Zoe was amazing , I could tell her anything , she had a heart of gold . She 'd heard all the stories about Julie and Akala , even Mr . Shen . There was that guilt again . I felt horrible . " I 'm so sorry , Zoe . I don 't know why it surprises me when people say that . I feel so stupid and selfish . " She gave me a hug . " Not stupid , not selfish . Grieving . I don 't know what I would have done if I had lost my … " Holy crap . It turns out Erin 's family had this great big sheep farm , about thirty kilometers from Akala 's house ! Fate is a funny thing , for sure . I made two expensive calls . One to Erin , and we screamed even louder than me and Zoe did , if that 's possible ! Erin said after school she rode horses and herded sheep and it was the most freeing thing in the world . She said I was still welcome to come , and I 'd actually get paid a little for working on the farm . I was sold . I was already packing in my mind . Call number two . Akala . Oh my god it was awesome to hear her voice ! She said , " Girl , we went viral ! Our show in San Francisco ? We are on the radio now in Australia ! You get your ass over here , we need to do some shows ! "
|
2 : September 23 , 2010 - October 8 , 2010 Aunt Angela 's Mission Farewell , Cloey 's Birthday Our first stop on our road was Lisa and Dave 's house in Meridian , ID . We stayed there just one night and the next day , Lisa and I did a little bit of shopping . Cloey and Anna had fun playing together of course and Nathan did a good job at taking care of Samuel , Anna , Tyler , Cloey and Afton while Lisa and I shopped with Isabella and Peter . We left to go to Blackfoot on Friday . We got into Blackfoot Friday night and Sharla wasn 't too far behind . All the kids except Isabella slept in Grandpa and Grandma 's new " play room . " I was surprised that Afton actually stayed in the room with Cloey on the floor the entire night . I thought she would have eventually woken up and came in to sleep with Nathan and I . Saturday , Angela , Nathan , Grandpa , and Parker all went and hiked the Big Butte and Sharla , Grandma and I all had fun with the kids in the morning until they got back . At 1 : 00 , we took all the kids over to the Gamble 's Dairy Farm to see the cows . All the kids enjoyed that . There was one calf that was very friendly , once it started to trust Nathan . She would let all the kids pet her and wasn 't too skittish about how many kids were around the pen . Saturday night we had the Relief Society Broadcast . All the women left all the kids except Bella and Peter , with the men and we went to the broadcast . I thought it was funny because right after we all left , Grandma realized there were no adults outside with all the kids . So Angela called to make sure someone went out and was out there at all times to supervise the kids . I laughed to myself at that . Dallen was going to bring his video projector so the kids could watch a movie . When we got home , the kids were all in the living room watching a movie on a small projector . Then you looked into the big " play room " and all the men were in there with a HUGE screen watching the Boise St Vs . Oregon St football game ! It was funny to see . Sunday was the day that Angela was to speak in 3 : After church we had a big lunch at Grandma 's house with a lot of relatives and Angela 's friends . Isabella was held by a lot of people and started to show the signs of not liking it not too long into it . I didn 't giver her away very often because whenever she was in her Dad 's arms she got taken away from him and then when she 'd cry she was given to me . When she was asleep I let others hold her . Angela had a cake made by a family friend that was brought in . She made a huge chocolate cake with the old Mayan temple made out of rice cereal treats on the top . Her mom put candles in the cake for Angela 's birthday the week before and we all sang for her . There was an extra candle in it for next year 's birthday while she 's on her mission . Afton had a small accident with Angela 's chocolate cake . Someone gave her a big piece of the cake . Afton had it about had eaten , I think , and it looked like she had a lot of the cake in crumbs and small pieces . I heard her crying and I ran to see what happened . Dad was there holding her in his lap and she was covered head to toe in chocolate cake ! The story was told that they wished they had a camera because it all happened in slow motion ; Afton was sitting in the small chair , then she started to fall off the chair , the table tipped and the plate with the chocolate cake flipped up and landed on her head as she fell to the floor . Everyone felt so bad for her . She was still in her favorite yellow church dress too . I worked for a long time to get the stains out of that dress and she hadn 't been able to wear it for a few weeks . So I helped Dad take it off and Aunt Sharla had to do some laundry so she put the dress in with her clothes . I helped Angela clean everything up and soon Afton was doing well and eating strawberries . 6 : We soon got ready to go to Ogden , Utah where we would stay the night with my Uncle Don and Aunt Terry . We got there around 7 : 00pm and ate dinner there . The girls had a lot of fun being there . They have a huge TV and they liked that . It took us a while to convince them they could see it better on the couch then right up at the screen . The moment we got there , Aunt Terry took Bella 's care seat with her inside and put it at her feet so she 'd be the first to get her when she woke up . That 's precisely what happened too . She kept Bella until it was time to eat , then took her back again . Chad , my cousin and their youngest , came home and he started playing with Afton . He learned that Afton was one that just went and went and went until she crashed . He said he had a lot of fun with the girls . We left to Great Grandma Morgan 's house around 9am and stayed there until noon . The three hours we spent with her were so much fun . She really wanted to hold Isabella and didn 't mind me taking a bunch of pictures . Isabella loved her Great Grandma and smiled at her a lot . My Aunt Ludean was there visiting as well . I haven 't seen her in a long time . I don 't really remember the last time I saw her . It was fun to get to know her again and have her meet my husband and family . She enjoyed holding Isabella too . Cloey loved to give Grandma hugs and play with her . She even sang two songs for her ; Give Said the Little Stream and Twinkle , Twinkle Little Star . Afton on the other hand didn 't want anything to do with her . We got one picture of her and Great Grandma and the only reason why she 's smiling is because Cloey is tickling her . I missed the perfect picture of Cloey giving Grandma a hug . My camera was on movie mode and by the time it got to camera mode they were done . I really wanted them to hug again , but Grandma didn 't hear me because she was trying to get Afton to give her a hug . An opportunity missed . I hope we can make it back there on our way to or from Colorado again around Christmas . It just depends on the wea8 : October 2010 | Ice Cream ! Kids always get treats at Grandma 's House | Isabella loves her Grandma ! 10 : We left Ogden around 1 : 15 and got to my parents house at 10 : 00pm . The trip went pretty fast for having three young kids traveling that far . We all went to bed fairly well , but still an hour later than Colorado time . Tuesday we celebrated Cloey 's birthday . Gran and I went shopping while Nathan and Papa watched all three girls . It was fun shopping with my Mom again . For Cloey 's fifth birthday , she wanted a Pinkie Pie Pony birthday cake . I decided to take the easy rout and instead of doing a shape cake , I got little Ponyville pony toys to put on top of the cake . She loved it ! I had her , Audrey , Afton and Blake make little gram cracker houses with candy on them to put on the cake . They liked that too . They also had fun eating them on Saturday with Mckiala . Andrea , Robbie , Dani , and Bri were there as well as Chris ' family . We had a big BB - Q dinner because the Elders were supposed to come , but forgot or something , and then cake and ice cream . Cloey was very excited about opening her gifts because she 's been hoping and hoping for a princess scooter . She didn 't see the big present behind her until she was all done with her other gifts and I told her it was there . She made Dad put it together that night and she only got off of it to go potty , which she rode it into the bathroom and out . I hope she got off of it anyway . Audrey wasn 't happy to leave Gran 's house . She hid in the bathroom until her mom picked her up to take her home . I felt bad for her , but there wasn 't much time for her to play with Cloey except right before the party . Nathan left to Denver early Wednesday morning while the girls were still asleep . Gran went to the cannery and Papa and I were left home with the girls . We just hung out in the morning and in the afternoon left to Colorado Springs to see Steph and her family . When we got there , she was about to leave to pick up kids from school . She had two spots left in her van and came over to ask if Cloey and Afton wanted to go to the park . At the first mention on " park " Cloey quickly11 : Thursday was a special day . Gran and I took the girls to Flat Irons Crossing Mall . The first thing we did was go to Build - a - Bear Workshop . The longest part was trying to convince Cloey to choose a bear , even though she chose the first one she saw in the first place . She had fun and actually wanted a $ 20 character that I knew she 'd like for a little bit , but not long term . So I gave her a limit and she chose the light blue soft bear . Afton got the first one she chose which was a soft dog that she promptly look out of the box , put it on the floor and squished it with a body hug ! Gran thought one bear was cool because it was hypoallergenic and had not nose or eyes for babies to choke on . So she got it for Isabella . They all got to choose a sound to put in , Afton got a " woof woof " and Cloey chose a jazz Happy Birthday song and Isabella got Brahms Lullaby . Then it was time to stuff them . Cloey was being very shy with the worker . She wouldn 't even kiss her bear 's heart before it go put in her bear . She kept pushing the bar down for the stuffing to stuff the bear in short bursts . It took her a while before her 's was stuffed . She did better when I was holding her hand . Then it was Afton 's turn . She was so funny . She did everything the worker told her to do . She pretended to make a wish on her dog 's heart , she raised it above her head , touched her toes , closed her eyes , turned around and then gave it a kiss before handing it to the worker to put in her dog . She was all for pushing the peddle and watching her dog get stuffed . She gave it a hug at the end and loved it . For Isabella 's bear , Cloey made a wish for her and gave it a kiss . Afton helped stuff it . Both Cloey 's and Isabella 's sounds are in the hand , but Afton 's is in the ankle because the foot was pre stuffed . So I might have to take hers back one day and get it switched to the hand . Now for the clothes ! There was only on yellow outfit style in the entire store , and it ended up on Afton 's dog . Cloey found a Cinderella princess dress an12 : Time For Cake ! 18 : So Many to choose from ! | Add a sound | Make a wish . . . | Time to stuff | You made a wish for Bella 's bear too . | Dress and name time . 20 : That night we got to see Nan and her kids . We had a lot of the cousins there so we took a cousins picture . It was interesting getting all of them together . Audrey and Blake would have been there , but Kim was sick . Friday was , for the most part , a relaxing day . HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CLOEY ! The girls and I were starting to get a little bit sick , but they still had fun . I 'd gone a few nights without very much sleep , so I wasn 't feeling very well . I left to go to Denver to meet up with Nathan at 4 : 30 . I got there at 5 : 30 and we went out to dinner . We went to a bakery place that was really good , then to the Denver Philharmonic Orchestra to hear them play Beethoven . That was very cool and we learned a lot of the history of the pieces and how the songs were composed . I didn 't get home until about midnight and all three girls were asleep while Gran and Papa were awake . They gave Cloey her favorite dinner ; noodles with white sauce ( alfrado sauce ) . Once again this night was pretty sleepless between Bella and Afton . I had to put Afton outside the bedroom door while I looked for my glasses because I had just gotten Bella back to sleep and Afton 's crying was waking her up again . Gran heard , of course , so she tried to come and help , but Afton would have nothing to do with Gran . So Saturday morning when Gran was ready for the day , but Bella and Afton were both awake , she let me go back to sleep with Cloey . Cloey woke up about an hour later . Thomas and Mckiala came over this morning and Tom was a big help . He , of course , mowed the lawn like he does every Saturday morning , helped us pick apples from the apple tree , and helped play with the girls . Mckiala played with the girls all morning and helped pick apples too . 22 : Nathan got back to Longmont at 1 : 15 and had to finish packing everything up for me . We left about 3 : 00 to go as far as we could to Idaho . We decided to keep going and made it to Blackfoot around 2am . We stayed with his parents and left after breakfast to Ken and Angie 's house . The girls all had fun there and we enjoyed the visit . There are no pictures of Angie because she was in the middle of an allergy attack and didn 't want her picture taken . This was General Conference weekend , so it made it easier to travel and see them . We all traveled well until about halfway between Idaho Falls and Grangeville . Bella started crying and Cloey and Afton wanted out . So we found a Pizza place to eat at , but the owner said it 's been a very busy day and he was running out of product . He only had a 14 " and 16 " pizza left and no more sauce . We took whatever we could get at this point . So we ate a pizza with no sauce for dinner and the kept on trucking home . Cloey and Afton eventually fell asleep , but Bella cried until about an hour and a half before we got home . We finally had to stop because Nathan was tired , I hadn 't slept since he took over driving and Bella needed attention . We made it home at 11 : 00om our time ( midnight CO time ) and fell right to sleep . Monday and Tuesday were hard days . We had to try to get back into the swing of home life again and we were all sick , except Nathan . It 's good he wasn 't sick because Wednesday he had to leave to Chicago until Sunday for another conference . Cloey had her leader day that day as well , so Tuesday we baked banana bread and made chocolate cupcakes for snack . All the kids had fun eating apples from Gran and Papa 's apple tree because they were just their size . This was a very fun and busy trip . We all enjoyed ourselves and we are excited to be able to rest for a while before going back to Colorado for Christmas . Wish us luck ! Denise Winder 26 : We decorated our pumpkins a little differently this year . I got more of the push in faces and the girls went wild with them . I let them pick out whichever face features they wanted . I do have to say , they did an excellent job ! Cloey pushed in almost everyone 's faces for them . She did pick out Bella 's for her though . Cloey had us all name our pumpkins . Cloey 's was Rusty , Afton 's is Aleka , Bella 's is ummm we can 't remember , mine is Crazy Dirty ( I said Crazy , but Cloey added the dirty for some reason ) , Dad 's is Trevor and the little one that I did because it was cute is Alex . Cloey and Afton on pumpkins - Here are the girls before all the pumpkins were done . Afton was being very silly this day . I couldn 't get any pictures of her without a silly face . Cloey and Afton in costumes - Cinderella and Princess fairy Girls in costumes - Isabella could not stop looking at Afton . She loved Afton and I think it was because of the bright pink on her costume . She smiled at Afton constantly . Afton face painting - We went to the ward party and the Young Women were putting their artistic skills to work with face painting . Afton wanted a ghost . Cloey face painting - Cloey wanted a pumpkin . I thought this was appropriate for Cinderella . Dad and Bella - Little lion fell asleep during the trick or treating . Chili pot - Nathan won the spiciest chili award . Isabella and candy - Here is Isabella 's candy pile . . . Candy Piles - Here are the girl 's candy piles . Cloey doesn 't have even half of hers unloaded . Notice the dominate color in Afton 's pile . Most of them let the kids choose their own candy . Girls in front of door - Since Halloween was on Sunday , we let the girls dress up again , I gave them a bunch of glow stuff , and they answered the door and gave candy to all the trick - or - treaters . Not very many came to our house . WE figured it was because we are close to the highway and one of the last houses . The rest of the neighborhood , I heard , had over 600 kids at their doors ! Girls in front of house - Trick - or - treating our house . African30 : Thanksgiving was done with just our family this year . We did a few family traditions like we do every year , with just our family , from both sides . We had the special drink and did candles since we won 't be doing a Christmas dinner at home . Nathan 's family eats by candlelight for Christmas dinner . We had a wonderful turkey that I cooked in a bag and it was good . We didn 't do every tradition we want to have for our family just because our family is still too small to eat it all . We did do a pumpkin pie and Cloey kept asking for it as soon as it came out of the oven . She of course had to wait for a few hours for us to eat dinner and let it sit . Cloey understands more of what holidays really are and how we celebrate them . It is fun to teach her about them and see her get excited about it for next year too . She is really excited to finally be able to put all the Christmas decorations out and see the presents under the tree . We dog - sat again so we had three dogs . All three dogs got a Thanksgiving turkey dinner as well . As Nathan was finishing deboning the turkey , he pulled a bunch of meat off for the dogs . It wasn 't enough to fill their bellies , but it was a lot of meat . I was going to let them digest it for a bit before giving them their dog food , but one of them was a little too eager to get more food . One thing I like about big dogs is they can 't sneak right under your nose . We were sitting in the living room , with the table in plain sight of course , and I hear a little sound that wasn 't supposed to be . I looked to see Lucy on top of our table eating the rest of Cloey 's pumpkin pie ! She of course found out very fast that that was NOT acceptable and got put in her kennel for the rest of the night . Ellie and Fern got more food , but Lucy did not . She apparently learned her lesson though for a few days anyway . I never once had to tell her to get her paws off the table for the next two days , then she did it again ! We were outside for this one and I walked in on her . Fern learned by watching and didn ' t31 : You wanted one of the guest dogs to be warm and cozy . | Carving the turkey | Yummy pumpkin pie for dessert | You helped cut out the Jello shapes 32 : Christmas Trip 2010 | Before we left on our big trip , We let the girls open their gifts from Gran and Papa Morgan . We knew what they were and they needed it for the trip . They got their own Pillow Pets ! Cloey got a ladybug and Afton a bubble bee . They were very excited about them . When we got home , Santa had left Cloey a new bike and Isabella a learning house . Santa came to Cloey 's preschool and she wanted a picture with Afton and Isabella . Afton was very scared of him and Cloey had to hold her to keep her on the bench . I was sitting just out of the shot and holding Afton to Cloey to also try and keep her there . Isabella was more interested in Santa 's beard than anything . I was told later that that was his favorite part and liked Isabella being so curious . 34 : Ogden , UT | We took a long trip for Christmas . We haven 't been to Colorado for Christmas since Cloey was 3 months old . We decided it was time ! We left on Dec 21st and went down to Meridian . We stayed with Lisa and Dave , then went to Ogden , UT and stayed at a hotel for Wednesday night . Cloey , Afton and I had fun swimming . I felt bad Dad didn 't get to swim and I had is leave the pool an hour before it closed because I was so tired . The girls weren 't ready to leave . Thursday morning we saw my Grandma , Elda Morgan . She has gone downhill quite a bit since the last time we saw her a few months earlier . She is now on 24 hour oxygen and has her good and bad days . She was having a good day when we were there . We only stayed for about an hour and just that talking made her exhausted . She was very excited to see the girls and hold them and love them . We found out that Isabella is her 55th great grandchild , and Viktor , Staci 's newest , is her 56th . No one knows how much longer she will be here on Earth with us , but I know she feels torn between wanting to stay and wanting to go . She is such a strong and loving person . Our family is lucky to have her ! We left Ogden and made the long trip to Colorado . We made it in good time and was able to let the kids get some energy out before going to bed . Colorado didn 't have any snow the entire time we were there . It was fairly warm until the day we left . 36 : Friday was Christmas Eve . Chris and Kim came over and I made cookies with Cloey , Afton , Audrey and Blake . It was fun . I let them do everything from start to finish , except the mixer and oven of course . They did a great job . Steph and Brian , Kristi , Katie and Melinda were all at Gran and Papa 's for Christmas . The most fun was in the evening though . We went to see the lights around town and we went to one house that always makes a big deal out of Christmas . It was cool because they actually invited us into their home to see all the inside Christmas decorations . She was a huge Precious Moments fan . Her entire house was full of them ! The girls enjoyed the light a lot . After the lights we ate dinner then did the nativity scene . Every year Nathan 's family acts out the nativity on Christmas Eve . This is the first year my family has ever done it . They had fun . Papa was the narrator , Nathan - Joseph , Kristi - Mary , Bella - Baby Jesus , Afton - Donkey ( her choice ) , Gran and I - Shepherds , Cloey - Angel , Brian - observer / inn keeper , Steph , Katie and Melinda - 3 wise men . We didn 't have Ellie as a sheep this year . Then we opened up our new pajamas and then Cloey and Afton had fun tracking Santa on the internet . It took Cloey and Afton until around 10 : 30 to settle down enough to go to sleep and Bella didn 't go to sleep until around 1 am . It was cute because after bella and I got to bed , Afton started talking in her sleep . She sat up and said , " That 's my Baby Jesus ! " Then laid back down . It was funny and cute to know she was dreaming about baby Jesus . | Dani , Katie , Melinda , Bri , Kristi , Cloey , Afton , Isabella 40 : Christmas morning was fun . Cloey walked around the room until she found her new stocking , which she got to last , and she showed Afton where her stocking was . They got a few little princesses and that is all Afton wanted ! I had a really hard time convincing her to open any stocking or Santa gifts . Cloey had fun opening all of hers . Santa printed out pictures of Cloey and Bella 's big gifts that he knew we couldn 't bring home from Gran and Papa 's house . I pointed the picture out to Cloey and she was so excited to see that it was sitting in our living room at home ! Bella just had fun trying to eat her picture . We all got a lot of things including a new pot and pan set , a running GPS watch and much more . It was a good Christmas . On mom 's side of the family , we eat Christmas dinner on Christmas . We all get up , open our stocking gifts , then out Santa gifts , then eat breakfast , then open under the tree gifts ( which Papa always distributes ) and then this year we all went to the movies . Steph and her family started that a few years ago . We went and saw Tangled . Then we had dinner . This year it was the untraditional tacos ! Nan and Arron and Chris and Kim came over for dinner . 42 : Sunday we went to Church and then hung out all day . Monday December 27th was our 7 year anniversary ! We 've been married 7 years and around the time we were officially married , I found Nathan and gave him a kiss . That afternoon we left the girls with my parents and left to see Tom do a little tumbling gymnastics . It was fun to see him and he was very excited to have me there to watch . After that we went to see Harry Potter ! We were very excited to see it . We didn 't have time to go out to eat , but at least we got to go out for our anniversary . It was fun to go on a date like that . Tuesday , Andrea and her kids came over for a few hours . It was fun to talk to her and spend some time with her family . We set up the playhouse tent the girls got from us for Christmas and they had fun playing in it . Papa also played in it with the girls . That afternoon , Nathan and I took the girls ice skating . It was fun after they both got a helper rack they could hold onto and skate by themselves . It didn 't take long before they were both skating by themselves . Afton got her picture taken and Nathan was asked if the picture could be used in the Longmont Ledger . We 'll see if it gets used . It is one my parents would have to buy every weekend in order to see . When we got home we started packing a few things . Gran and I went shopping and I got a few crafts for the girls and I to do throughout the year . 44 : Blackfoot Wednesday we left to go to Blackfoot , ID . Nathan 's parents had one day of rest before we got there . They had a few of their kids and their families for Christmas . It is a lot slower pace at their house , so the girls got to play more and Nathan and I got to read some . It was very cold there the few days we stayed . It was 10 or lower . Thursday the girls went out and played a little bit , but couldn 't stay out for too long . Grandpa brought in a big box their rocking chair came in . Nathan did some fancy cutting to make it look cool and the girls wanted to sleep in it that night . Nathan and his Dad went to the Temple . I wanted to go , but I was really worried about Bella . My milk supply had been very low and I knew she 'd probably cry the entire time ( around 4 - 5 hours ) so I stayed home . Friday Dallen and Kwani came over and played with the girls for a long time . We found out Bella really likes radio cars that light up . She laughs as them a lot . Dallen and Kwani gave Cloey and Afton a Singa - ma - jig . They are little characters that sing in harmony with each other . We left on Saturday to go home so we had Sunday to rest before school and work began again . We stopped in at Lisa and Dave 's to give the kids a rest from the car and let them play . We are glad that the trip was fairly uneventful in the way of driving and accidents . We traveled in - between storms and for the most part had dry roads . It has taken me over two weeks to get caught up on things here at home . Hopefully I can get fully caught up . Cloey got a paint your own nativity from Gran and she has been wanting to paint it a lot . When she does , I can 't do anything else . She 'll be done with it soon . Ellie was very excited to have us home again . 45 : Uncle Dallen was lots of fun ! You were always smiling ! | Dad said he felt like a baked potato in the beanbag couch . | The cuttings looked really cool on the walls . 48 : May Camping | We went camping by the Selway River on a fairly warm night / day . It was Bella 's first camping trip ! The girls had a lot of fun . There were a lot of Butterflies and Cloey wanted to catch one . I found a mesh bag in the van and fashioned a hoop out of a stick to put the net on . It worked well and within minutes Cloey became an expert butterfly catcher ! She had a lot of fun . Afton mostly scared them all away because she would swoop the net around instead of catch . When camp was all set up , we got the fishing poll out and went down to the river . While there , Cloey found a frog and wanted me to catch it . I did and she had a lot of fun holding it and feeling it in her hands . Afton didn 't want anything to do with it after I asked if she wanted to hold it . We had to be careful though , by the water . The rivers were rising fast and there has been a lot of flooding . That night we did S ' mores and Afton didn 't want to wear her shoes . Most of the evening she had bare feet and she didn 't get too cold until she started to get tired . Afton was excited to use her sleeping bag for the first time . By the next morning the rocks we were playing on in the river were completely under water and the river looked like it had risen at least 1 feet over night . We didn 't catch any fish because the river was too swift the day before so we knew there was no chance that day either . Cloey found a caterpillar before she went to bed the night before . The next day she found it in the same place by the fire pit . She picked it up and held it for a while and said , " Mom , she likes me ! She 's tickling me . Can I take her home ? " " No " of course . She wanted to put it in a cup and so she did and got a leaf , Afton helped her . She kept asking and we explained to her that it 's a wild insect and needed to stay there . We asked her if she thought it 'd be happier in a jar or in the wild . She said " jar . " We left and when we stopped at a pond Cloey said " where should I put my caterpillar ? " Nathan and I looked at each ot49 : Butterflies - We had fun camping by a river in May . We saw a lot of butterflies . These blue ones were everywhere and then there were a few orange ones that were bigger . Girls and I holding Frog - Here is the frog Cloey found by the river . Frog - She was very excited to hold it . Afton , not so much ! Fishing - Fishing . The river was too fast . We didn 't catch anything . Afton with Net - Afton swiped and swiped at the butterflies Afton looking in Net - But every time she looked , there was nothing there . I tried to teach her how to sneak up on the butterflies when they were on the ground , but she wasn 't that patient . Ellie - Ellie found a bone . We figured it was from a deer leg probably from a previous camper . She enjoyed it for a little while . 52 : Spring Dance Recital | Cloey and Jolynne - During the rehearsal I got a few pictures . It 's easier to get the pictures during rehearsal and the video during performance because of lighting . Cloey - Cloey wanted me to take a picture of her because she " is beautiful " in her makeup . Backpack - Afton put Cloey 's backpack over her head and said , " Mommy ! Take a picture ! " She is saying " Cheese " in this picture inside the bag . Cinderella Balloon - The theme this year was Disney . Brittney , her instructor , decorated the stage with princess balloons . Cloey was excited to get a picture with Cinderella . Belle Balloon - Afton was excited to get one with Belle . After the recital Brittney gave the balloons away to the younger girls but she was two to short . So she promised Cloey and one other in Cloey 's class that she would order Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty for them . Then Afton chimed in ! That girl is not shy with people she knows . She told Brittney she wanted Belle and Brittney said she 'd get her one . Cloey in costume Cloey and her Class - Cloey 's teacher , Brittney , and her class I know the tall one is Brianna , Cloey , and the one on the end is Jolynne . I can 't remember the other two girls names right now . Arial Balloon - This is Maria and Afton . Afton wanted a picture with Ariel but she was too short . Maria was Brittney 's helper in class and this year was the oldest . She helped keep Afton entertained sometimes during class . She is excellent with kids . Afton - After the recital was over and Cloey took her costume off , Afton wanted to try it on . She has her pajama top on under it . It basically fits her . She was excited to wear it and she danced very pretty in it . I took a video of Afton dancing and it sure shows Afton humor . While she was spinning around in a circle , she suddenly slowed down a little , moved around the tutu , and then said , " There 's my bum bum ! He he ! " 54 : Graduation from Preschool | The classes - Here is everyone that came to the graduation . Cloey is in pink on the left . Giraffe - At Cloey 's preschool graduation , one family had a bounce house . They brought it to help ticket sales . Cloey and Afton stayed in it for a long time ! Peppermint Forest - This is the Peppermint forest . The kids played a game to get a peppermint and to go through . Mr . Peppermint - Cloey found the ball on the first try . Gumdrop Mountain - Where there wasn 't a real character , there were cardboard ones . Lollipop Forest ( Streamers ) - They didn 't like licorice forest and it wasn 't very fun anyway . Peanut brittle was ok , and they got another piece of candy from her . This is the lollipop forest . They were a little nervous to through without me . Cloey Popping balloon - This was the section after the lollipop forest . They had to pop balloons , but Cloey was afraid of it popping . So she actually popped it with her hand so Cloey could get the " kiss from the princess . " ( chocolate kisses ) The King - King Candy . He was supposed to ask the kids questions , but he just shook Cloey 's hand and gave each of the girls a candy . Frog - Cloey and Afton played the frog game . Afton got her bags through the middle every time . She got one caught on the frog , then Cloey threw her bean bag and it landed right on top of Afton 's . They thought that was funny ! Chocolate mug pit - This is the chocolate mud pit . After the girls sat in it , they smelled like chocolate ! Each room or area smelled like the candy that went with it . Princess and girls - They loved Tally ! It was funny that she ended up being the princess ( I wonder if she was trying to get me to do this when she asked if I could be a character . I could have , but Nathan was gone so I had to watch the girls ) because she hates pink ! The game was a big hit and the kids loved going through it . 56 : Samuel 's Baptism | This weekend was a hard decision . We were definitely going , but we had a hard time deciding when . In Grangeville , during the July 4th weekend there is a celebration called Boarder Days . This year marked the 100th anniversary of this celebration . On Friday , they had a concert of two big country music stars and then a Fun Run Saturday morning . It was either we missed the concert and the run to go to Meridian on Friday , or we missed all the July 4th stuff . We decided to miss the concert . So we left Friday morning and got to Meridian in time to meet everyone at the Discovery Center in Boise . We met Lisa and the kids and Daniel and Laura there . Bennett had a short attention span , but he liked it . The moment Cloey and Anna got together , there was no separating them ! Everyone had fun and we stayed there for a long time . Anna was rushing through as much as she could to get to the shopping center so they could pretend to go shopping . After a little bit , we let the girls go shopping . They played for a while and then we convinced them to keep going and check out the bubbles . When we were waiting to go on , Afton found a robotic head that had a button to control each facial feature . She was very intrigued by the head and enjoyed figuring out how to move the different parts . Afton and Lisa got the bubbles all to themselves when all the others were done . Lisa taught Afton how to put her hand through a bubble . She was able to get it pretty far since she dipped halfway to her elbow in the bubble solution . After the bubbles I lost sight of Cloey and Anna . They were with Nathan for the most part . After found two other things she loved to play with . The first was a button you pushed that shot a metal washer up a string . It was demonstrating polarity and how a magnet can shoot something away from it . She shot it a lot ! Then I showed her an air tube and football . She had so much fun trying to catch the blow - up football . Samuel came back and played with her and Peter loved the bubbles and the air tube . We all got57 : Front : Afton , Tyler , Bennett , Jacob , Kaleb Second : Cloey , Anna , Bryson , Samuel , Makenzi , Meaghan Back : Peter , Grandpa , Grandma , Isabella , Joshua , Parker | Our Family | Grandma and Grandpa Winder 82 : First Day of Kindergarten | Cloey is now registered in Kindergarten and passed the screening . She was on the last day and one of the last kids to be tested . Nathan took her and when he came home he told me little bits about it all day . Really all he did was take her , fill out paper work , then they took her to play with them and brought her back after about an hour and talked to him . They told him she was the first one to get all the alphabet letters and their sounds correct . He said she showed the teacher how she could read . Miss Stacy , one of the disability teachers at school , said the Nathan told the teacher to write a sentence . She wrote " I love cats and dogs . " Cloey read it with no problem . Miss Stacy said that the reviewer went back to the Kindergarten teacher and said , " You know that girl Cloey we just saw ? Ya she can read ! " They were so excited and she said the teacher told everyone about how Cloey can read . I explained to her that Cloey 's been watching the Leap Frog movies since she was three and has known her alphabet and such for a while now . She also understands and knows the difference between vowels and consonants and can read complex words . Cloey 's Cousin , Anna , can read really fast compared to Cloey , but they can read the same words . Anna is five months older . 84 : First Friend Party | Cloey , You had your first friend birthday party this year . Well , you had one when you were one , but you don 't remember that . A while before the party , I asked you who you wanted to invite . You named off eight people right away . A week later I got to work on you invites . They were easy to make and everyone really liked them . You handed them out two weeks before the party . I already made sure your top three friends would come so the parents already knew about it . Annika couldn 't come at the last minute because her Dad had work in Utah , so her family went to Utah for the weekend . She 'll be coming over next week to do a ply date and have a " party " with you . I spent about a month getting things ready for your party . I couldn 't find very many smurfy things even though the new Smurf movie came out this month . So I found a bunch of Smurf pictures online and printed them out , copied them onto cardstock paper and colored them . I made a big Smurfette , since she 's your favorite , to play pin the flower on the Smurfette , and a big Papa Smurf for Afton , and a big " Welcome " poster for the front door . I 'm not sure if we have any blue and yellow markers left with ink in them . I worked hard on getting your cake ready . I did a vanilla cake with blue food coloring like the smurfs . I baked 30 cupcakes to get only four to make two smurf houses . Your cake was an adventure because the first cake I made wouldn 't come out of the pan and so I had to make another one . Then the modeling chocolate I made gave me lots of troubles . You made one flower to put on the cake . Friday night I made the smurf houses and frosted your cake with buttercream icing . Saturday morning we decorated the house and we finished putting the decorations on your cake . You loved the smurf figures and you helped put the flowers on the cake . Your friends started to arrive around 10 : 15 and we started the party at 10 : 30 . The first thing we did was played musical chairs . We taped the smurfs I drew and colored onto each chair and85 : Katelyn Bearden , Afton 's friend and you friend 's little sister , came too . She thought her mom was going to stay and so from the moment her mom left she said , " I don 't like this party , I want to go home . " She didn 't like any of the games and just wanted " Sister Winder . " While doing musical chairs , we didn 't remove any chairs but I had someone pick a paper that had a name of one of the smurfs I drew and a description of who they are . By doing this we introduced the smurfs to your friends who may not have known about them . Cheryl loved the descriptions . I also introduced Gargamel and his cat Azrael . At this point we put blue shirts on all the kids and told them they had to watch out because Gargamel might show up to catch them a few times . Dad played Gargamel when he put on his black trench coat . Then we did pin the flower on Smurfette . We gave prizes to the first , second and third place winners . You won third place ! Great job ! Then Gargamel showed up ! Run ! Run ! Little smurfs scattered every ware and screamed their little high pitched voices out . They ran around for a while and then half of you ran to your bedroom to hide and then the other half hid in the circle of chairs from the previous game . It was so funny . They kept an eye out for Gargamel after that ! When that game was done and all of you calmed down , we made flower headbands for all your friends to take home . They all chose to do them a little different , but all had the same flowers and leaves to work with . Gargamel showed up again and this time the Smurfs were a little smarter and hid a little faster . Cheryl took a great picture of all you smurfs lined up and Gargamel was in the background . The problem is I was putting Bella in the picture and got in the way of Afton and one other . Oh well . It 's done . I was going to take a picture but then you turned around and saw Gargamel and took off running . Dad and I had to protect Bella from getting run over ! Next we did cake and ice cream ! Everyone , especially Jolynne and her sister , hopefull86 : The Cake | Before the Party 89 : Afton , Katelyn and Annalease Bearden , Sydney Roach , Jolynne and Jessie Malory , Cloey , Isabella , Macey Crosby | So excited for the scooter ! | Mom flooded the garage be accident and you had fun playing in the water as it dried out . | Baby Smurf 92 : Halloween 2011 | This year our ward had their Halloween party on the Saturday before Halloween . Cloey invited her friend Macy and family , but Macy 's Mom got sick and was very sad she didn 't get to come with her parents and husband . We got ready and the girls were excited to dress up . Cloey was a pink mermaid , Afton was Belle , and Isabella was a cute witch . Afton and Isabella were both already able to dress up for a birthday Halloween party the Wednesday before and were already pros at getting ready . Cloey made a barrette with broken sea shells on it from the beach we went to this summer . She had fun designing it and I helped her glue the pieces on . I took a few pictures before we left and they turned out very cute ! Cloey invited her friend , Macy , to the party . Her family was going to come too , but her Mom got sick , so they stayed home but dropped off Macy at the church . Why to go Cloey with being a missionary ! The first thing everyone did was a parade of all the kids who had costumes . Then we ate dinner which was a chili cook off . Nathan didn 't do any chili this year because he was sick Friday night and gone Saturday . I don 't think he even really thought about it . There was one person who was disappointed that he didn 't do any chili because he really liked Nathan 's last year . Someone makes homemade mac and cheese for those who don 't like chili . Macy was sitting at the seat that had an orange pumpkin stamp on the paper place mat . That meant she was the table leader and was in charge of telling people when to get in line , who gets to take care of what at the table , and get a treat after everything was cleaned up . She asked Cloey to help her . They did eat some of the mac and cheese , but it was so cheesy that they didn 't eat very much of it . Nathan said they had to eat 10 bites , they counted each bite as they ate it . Let the games begin ! After dinner , all the kids got to go around to the different rooms and play games to get candy . The girls all had fun and Macy was very excited about this . We did93 : Halloween was on a Monday this year . We didn 't have dance or piano lessons , so it was a nice day to be free of going to Cottonwood for a week . Cloey 's class did have a Halloween party at school . We made sugar cookies in the shapes of cats , pumpkins and cauldrons . The kids all went for our cookies first to decorate and I wish they could have taken more ! We are left with a lot of cookies ! Afton had fun joining in the festivities with Cloey and Macy . While Cloey was at school , Afton and I started carving pumpkins . I waited until Cloey got home for hers , but I ended up gutting it anyway . Afton and Isabella would NOT touch the inside of the pumpkin . Afton tried once , but once she found out she had to touch the goo in order to get the seeds , she didn 't want to any more . Cloey did scoop some out of her pumpkin , but hers was loaded ! Afton chose to do Hoho the monkey from the tv show Ki lan . Cloey wanted Hello Kitty . For the one I wanted to do , I wanted to try a Smurfette scratched out of the pumpkin . I had just gotten mine started when the first trick - or - treaters arrived at 5 : 15pm . So I stopped and just put the pumpkin back outside and got the kids ready to go before the big rush . This year was warmer than the last few years , so even though we left early , by the time we got half way around the loop there were a lot of kids ! This was the first year we could go trick - or - treating because it wasn 't when the ward party was or on a Sunday . So the kids had a lot of fun going door to door and ringing the bells and saying " trick - or - treat ! " Anyway , Cloey got ready fairly fast , but Afton decided at the last minute she didn 't want to be Belle anymore , she wanted to be Arial . She looked around in the dress up stuff and found out I wasn 't lying when I told her we didn 't have another mermaid tail that fit her . She found her costume from last year and said " Mom ! I 'm going to be Tink ! I want to be Tink ! " So she is wearing the same costume from last year . Isabella 's costume changed for this night too . I knew 98 : Thanksgiving 2011 | This years Thanksgiving was at our house and all of Nathan family came except , Dallen and Kwani , who had a lot of schoolwork to do , John and Jamie with their kids and Angela since she is on her mission . Nathan and I spent a while getting the house ready and I am newly pregnant with our fourth . I didn 't feel exhausted until after Thanksgiving dinner was served . We did use the excuse of family coming to get a carpet cleaner so we could clean our carpets . They looked nice . We had Sharla and Jeff with their three boys and a friend stay with us , Lisa and Dave had a camper trailer they stayed in , and Mom and Dad Winder stayed at the hotel . Daniel and Laura drove down in the morning . We had a 23 lb turkey and a lot of leftovers . I made appetizers which included a cheese ball , Mexican layer dip , and cheese and crackers . I would have made olive and cheese sticks but there was enough on the table for now . The boys and two older nephews all went shooting and from what I hear had a great time . Nathan didn 't make it back in time to carve the turkey , so Lisa did it instead . She said she should have let me do it , but I told her it was fine . We let the kids decorate their own table cloth with pictures of what they were thankful for and we had a thankful tree . It was a branch that I set up like a tree , cut leaves out of paper and had everyone write what they were thankful for on them . We are planning on sending them all to Angela . I was wondering how Nathan was going to tell his family I was pregnant , but he wrote on a leaf " I am thankful for my 3 . 2 children " and waited for people to see it . Daniel was the first to see it and looked at me and read it and asked if it was what he thought it was . Colleen was not slow in understanding when she heard what Nathan wrote . So everyone who was there found out fast after that . Now they know why I stopped caring about the way the house looked . It was not as clean as I would have wanted , but the floors were clean , and that 's what I cared about . Dinner was fun100 : Winter Dance Recital December 2011 | Cloey and Afton had their dance recital the beginning of December . They did a great job . Cloey was an angel and Afton a peppermint girl . I felt bad for Afton and also laughed a little because Cloey 's first year with Brittney she got ran into and fell , this year for Afton 's first recital her friend ran into her face to face and I think Afton got a little embarrassed . She stayed on the stage until the curtains started to close , and then walked off as fast as she could . She did still do the closing song though and enjoyed it . She was very excited that Cloey was going to be on stage with her for two of the three songs . Cloey was very excited to be dressed as an angel complete with halo and wings . Since I usually taught a piano lesson during her time I didn 't really get to see her do her dances . I didn 't realize that her group actually had two songs they did plus the opening and closing songs . Everyone loved the costumes this year and they all did great ! Cloey was also on the front page of the newspaper in the background . You can see Afton 's ponytail in the bottom corner of it and Nathan didn 't even notice it until he was reading and I saw the front page an said , " Hey , it 's Cloey ! " He laughed and said it sure is . 104 : Great Grandma Morgan | Our first stop along our road trip was Utah . We left after Sacrament meeting on Sunday and drove to Ogden , UT to my Uncle Don 's house . It took us around 10 hours to get there . Isabella cried for about 1 hours when we got to Utah . We were very happy to get her out of the van thought she wanted to stay awake since she had a short 30 minute nap before we got there . It was fun talking to Uncle Don and Aunt Terri . We need to make sure we go there on a Friday sometime so we can see them more than just right before bed . I feel bad we always come when they have to work the next day . They love kids and had fun with the girls for a little before bed . Monday morning we packed back up and headed out to see my Grandma , Elda Morgan . She is now living in assisted living and loving it . She was very cute because halfway through talking to us she said " Oh , I forgot to give you the tour of my home . Here 's my bedroom ( pointing to the bed in the corner ) , here 's my living room ( motioning to the area we were sitting at the foot of her bed ) , here is the kitchen ( pointing to around the corner ) , and my bathroom is around the corner where you can 't see . It 's huge ! I 've never seem such a big bathroom before . " At first Cloey , Afton and Bella were a little nervous to talk to her . Cloey has been excited to see her for a while , but for some reason decided to be shy when she was there . She took each child and talked to them and I took a video of each one . She told a few stories and had an enjoyable time . Usually we 've been told we could only stay for 15 minutes or so before she gets tired , but we stayed for an hour and 45 minutes before she kicked us out so she could go eat lunch . 106 : Colorado | Then we headed to Colorado . We got there around 10 : 30 or 11pm and the girls stayed awake until around midnight playing and running energy off . Isabella stayed up for another half hour before I couldn 't stay away and took her upstairs . Tuesday was a day to relax before it got busy again , sort of . We didn 't get to sleep in very much because the kids were up and ready to go by 7am . Papa helped get them breakfast and started playing with them for a while . When it was Bella 's nap time , Papa took her and got her to sleep , but as soon as he layed her on the bed , she woke up and wanted him back . So he ended up taking a nap with her in the living room . After lunch , we left to go see my best friend Valarie . She just had her first baby two weeks before and we were excited to see each other . Cloey brought her piano books so she could show Gran how she can play the piano . I think she was a little nervous . In the evening , Nan , my sister , and her kids came over for a little while . Nan took Bella so we could finish dinner and played with her . Apparently , she didn 't like Savanna very much . Anytime Savanna would look at her and start talking to her , Bella would give her a disgusted look and cry or turn away . Eventually by the end of the night , she let Savanna hold her , but not very happily . No one knows why she didn 't like Savy on the first day . The kids built blocks out of the foam squares on Gran 's floor and Cloey and Afton had a lot of fun playing Pop Goes the Weasle in them . Cloey actually took Gran and Papa 's musical tree and bear into the cube and sang " Rockin ' around the Christmas Tree " with them until the song was over . Then she popped out of the box and said " Pop goes the weasel . " 108 : Wednesday Andrea , my other sister , came over in the morning . All the kids had a blast making tunnels out of Gran and Papa 's big foam squares . Later that day our family left to go see the Denver Zoo Lights . We left a little early so we could go find the gun shop Nathan and I see on the tv all the time . We love that show and the shop was located in Wheat Ridge , CO and is called Gun Smoke . Nathan was very excited and we did see everyone who is on the show . Nathan got some good advice and price ranges on rifles and good ideas for hand guns he can carry while in the woods . We didn 't get any pictures of him with anyone and now I wish we would have . I don 't know when we 'll ever go back and it looked like he wanted to . I did get pictures of him in front of the shop though with the girls . By the time we got to the zoo , it started to snow . There was a blizzard coming into Denver starting at 5pm and it started right at 5pm . It was very cold and snowed a lot . At he zoo , they decorate with a bunch of lights shaped like animals and some move . Santa is there and we didn 't go see him . We wish we would have because that 's where all the reindeer were as well which we couldn 't find . My Mom told us when we got home that that 's where they were . Cloey was very excited to see them and that 's one reason she was excited to go in the first place . I felt bad , but maybe we can go another year or go in the summer and see them . Cloey and Dad rode the train around and Cloey was sad she was on the outside because all the lights were on the inside of the circle the train made . The girls were freezing so we left to find inside animals . The first one we came across was the hippo . I wanted to get everyone hot chocolate , but we didn 't . I wish we would have because it 's part of the experience . After that we left to find the giraffes . We found them and the girls got to see real ones for the first time ! When Afton walked into the building she was looking for an animal about the size of a horse , but then I saw her do one of th110 : Butterfly | Friday Gran and Papa picked up Melinda and Steph from Denver . Melinda eventually joined them and read to the girls . We then went to the Butterfly Pavilion and took Gran and Papa with us . Cloey was very excited to see butterflies , especially in the winter , but we first went into the bugs exhibit . At first the girls only wanted the butterflies , but they found out the bugs were cool , and gross too . There is a tarantula there they call Rosie and you are able to hold it with the handler 's help of course . Gran held her first as she 's done it many times before , then Nathan , then Cloey held her ! I was amazed that Cloey did so well holding her . Afton is terrified of spiders so she didn 't want to get near her , but she did want a sticker . She couldn 't get one unless she held Rosie though . Then we went in to see the butterflies . The place has changed a lot since the last time I was there . Papa had never been there before . First we stopped to see the emerging butterlies just coming out of cocoons . Then we walked through the " rainforest . " There were a lot of people walking around so the butterflies stayed high or kept moving . Cloey really wanted one to land on her , so she would pick various places close to butterflies and sit very still for a long time . Sometimes Afton would sit with her . Cloey would always wear a very serious expression on her face each time and was always disappointed when none would come to her . Aunt Nan had me tell her that she 's been there m any times and still has never had one land on her . Cloey did have a good chance a few times , but then there were too many people walking by or taking pictures of a different butterfly and distracting or moving the bush of the one Cloey was waiting to land on her . I 'm sure we 'll go again sometime . We stayed in the butterflies for a while , then moved to the next room where there were interactive things . There was a true / false maze where you answer questions and go either down the true or false path . The questions were always about butt112 : Saturday in the morning , Gran got out her sled and our family went sledding on the same hill I always went to when I was a kid . It 's a steep hill and very fun to go down , but when your small it 's sometimes hard to climb back up it . Cloey and Afton enjoyed it a lot and Nathan went down with them , of course . After we got back , it was time to get ready to go to Sam 's baptism . Sam was very cute and definitely a boy ! He had to be reminded a lot to behave during pictures . Steph kept Isabella entertained with her phone by letting her play games on it . Bella loved her phone and always asked for it when she saw Steph . This night was also Christmas Eve . Just like last year , all the kids got new pajamas . Cloey tracked Santa on the internet again and every time he landed she would yell for Me to " come here and see ! " She was very excited but wanted to see him come to Colorado , but it was her bedtime so he could come . Cloey and Afton reluctantly went to bed so Santa could come . In school , Cloey wrote a letter to Santa asking him how he and the reindeer were doing and hoping the elves were well . Santa wrote her back and she was very excited to see it Sunday . 114 : Christmas | Christmas day is here ! This year Christmas landed on a Sunday . We let the girls open a stocking gift before church and there were already a few things out for them to see such as a calendar and smurfs . Cloey and Afton were excited for the Smurfs . We did need to get ready for church though and we went to Sacrament meeting since that is all church holds on Christmas day . Cloey was very tired all day , but kept going . When we got home , we all changed and got ready to open gifts from Santa . Bella fell asleep in Steph 's lap and so she held her the entire time . Cloey got a big interactive globe from Santa that even Dad was really excited about . Afton 's big gift was a marble works set . Bella 's favorite , when she woke up to open her gifts , was a new baby doll just like her sisters dolls . Nathan got a P90X workout video like he wanted and I got an ice cream set like I had when I was a little girl . For the family under the tree gift , we gave our family a Wii Mario Kart game , which was well used before we even left Gran 's house , and Cloey made us a family calendar . She did a great job drawing pictures for each month . Later that day Andrea came over with her kids and so did Nan and Arron . We had Nan 's family this year and we gave them a nice tube to use in snow or water . The girls had fun watching it blow up as Dad used an air compressor to fill it up . We thought it 'd be fun to blow it up and see how they were going to get it home . They didn 't have any problems , but they were really excited . Steph and Brian left on Sunday to go back home and when it was time for them to go , Isabella showed everyone how well she can give hugs . She made her rounds to anyone and everyone who would give her a hug . IT was very cute . Gran said the Bella loves to be the center of attention ! 116 : Very early Monday morning brought on the reason why Cloey was so tired over Christmas day , she had a tummy bug . I was up with her half the night making sure she didn 't have to throw up again . This morning my Mom and I were going to go shopping with Cloey to get her some new pants and me some new clothes , but since she was sick , she couldn 't go . She cried a lot when I told her I was till leaving , but Dad was there to take care of her . All she wanted was Mom . When I called later that day to see how things were going , Nathan and Cloey were playing the Wii . She had her good times and bad times and didn 't eat a lot , of course . Bella and Afton had fun shopping with Mom and Gran though . Later that evening , Nan came over again with Arron and we got a picture with their family . We found out that for some reason , Bella did not like Savanna at all . She would give Savanna dirty looks and didn 't like her to touch her . It was funny to watch , but Savanna felt really bad . By the end of their stay , Bella did let Savy hold her once , though she wasn 't happy about it . Tuesday was fun . Happy Anniversary to Nathan and I ! We were married 8 years ago this day on the 27th of December . We went to the Olive Garden for dinner and it was really good ! Gran ended up taking Cloey back to the store because the pants we got her were all just a little too big . Cloey was feeling a little better , but still really tired . I was glad since we were getting ready to travel the next day to Blackfoot , ID . 120 : Wednesday we left to go to Blackfoot . Cloey started feeling really sick again and didn 't eat anything all day . It was bad luck to have to travel in the back of a van 9 hours . I have a hard time going across town when sick . We got to Blackfoot and Cloey went right to bed . Thursday John and Jamie came and Afton had a fun time with the twins . Cloey was still sick , but Jamie didn 't mind her at least being with the girls for a little bit when she was feeling up to it . Bella loved the scoot tractor at Grandma and Grandpa Winder 's house . By Friday , Cloey started feeling a lot better . She ate more food and was ready to play . We went up and saw my brother Ken in Idaho Falls . No one else was there because of various things Saturday we left for home and didn 't stop at Lisa 's house since Cloey had been sick . 124 : The Baby is . . . | Nathan dropped off Afton and Isabella at a friend 's house and I took Cloey after school to the ultrasound . She has been very excited to go since I made the appointment three week ago . Cloey was able to figure out what the head was and the body and after Nathan got there she kept an ongoing " Oooo " and " gasp ! " She enjoyed it and was even more excited to see pictures begin printed out to take home . She liked seeing the baby move . The baby was very active with her facial expressions during the ultrasound and it was fun to see her stick her tongue out , smile and " talk " . Cloey came with us and she loved seeing the baby and thought it was funny when she moved her mouth a lot . It took a long time to get her gender because she is sitting in my pelvis and it took a lot of work to get her to move enough out of my pelvis to see . We almost had to give up and have me go in for a gender check whenever I could to see if we could find out . Cloey is very excited and so far has been right with each pregnancy as to what the baby is . Nathan said he 's fine with it and he wouldn 't know what to do with a boy . We are happy and are now already getting teased that we have to have more so we can have a boy . The tech didn 't say anything about my due date so it must still be about July 15th . Enjoy ! 126 : We left on Monday the 16th after Cloey got done with school and headed to Meridian to stay overnight with Lisa and her family . Tuesday we packed up and went shopping for emergency things . That took a little bit . Then we went to Toys - r - Us so I could try to find giraffe and monkey figures for Afton 's cake . I found two giraffe figures but no monkey ones and then Cloey wanted to get a gift for Afton 's birthday . So we spent a long time in there for her to decide . She knew she wanted to get a stuffed animal for Afton . She found a bunch she liked and did the eainy meany miny mo rhyme to pick . She landed on Papa Smurf in the end . This is a big Papa too . I told her if she gets him then we 'd have to get rid of a different big stuffed animal so he had a place . She agreed and we got him . Then we left to go to Ogden , UT . We got in around 7 : 30 their time and went over to see my Dad and his brother , Uncle Rex , and his wife , Karen at Grandma 's house . After the girls ate , they went in and played with some wooden dolls that you can dress with felt that I used to play with . They had a lot of fun . Uncle Rex eventually joined them and I left Nathan and my Dad to get a few pictures . Grandma has a glass table in the sitting room with a nice porcelain tea set on it . Bella lightly touched it and Uncle Rex said , " Uh uh " and scared Bella . It took her a while and she stuck out her bottom lip and started to cry . Nothing I did would help her calm down and she never really looked at Uncle Rex again . She finally calmed down when I gave her to Papa and he found a baby doll for her in the basement and she fell asleep . After we cleaned up and were ready we went back to the hotel to sleep . 128 : Salt Lake City , UT | We left in the morning to go to Salt Lake City and show the girls around Temple Square and go to the new City Center mall . We had fun doing this . It started raining in the morning when we got to the mall , so we decided to stay there until the rain let up . We parked under the mall so it wasn 't hard to get back to the car if needed . This mall is an indoor / outdoor mall and there is a stream the ran through the middle of one side of the mall . This mall extends over two blocks with a bridge that connects the two sides together . In the stream they had trout and along the sides there were footprints of different animals you could follow and see what they are . The girls had a lot of fun following the tracks . We went to the Disney store and the girls loved it . There was a mirror that if you swiped the tag of a product from one of the princesses , a video about that princess would play through the mirror . They played every princess they could . Afton found a stuffed Belle doll that she fell in love with . Nathan and I got it for her for her birthday since she 's been asking for another Belle doll . We had to get it before we left to go back to Ogden so she didn 't know though . We went through another store or two and then ate lunch before checking on the rain . Of course the girls had to have McDonnalds so they could get the squinky toys . We then walked to Temple Square . We walked around the temple and Dad taught them about the symbols around the temple such as the circle being one eternal round . Then Afton had to go potty , so we went into the South Visitor center . They had new things that Nathan and I had never seen before . The most exciting was the entire interactive screens and display of the inside of the Salk Lake Temple . There is a big model of the temple and two of the sides were cut away to reveal where the rooms are and they even showed miniature pictures of the paintings that are in the temple . It is very cool . The interactive display tells you about the different rooms , the history and s132 : Dinosaur Park Ogden , UT | By Cloey Winder We went for a walk and saw lots of dinosaur and even baby dinosaurs . Then we found a park and we had fun at the park . There was a thing we could go up and it had two different sides to slide down . They had dinosaurs that you could play on and a dinosaur skull you could look in the holes and go out the eye parts . There were two different parks and one had a turtle and I tried to climb on it , but I sat on the head . There was another dinosaur slide that had two bumps and then you go off . There were also a ( Flinstones ) house you could go in and they had a dinosaur . This was our favorite part . The people were just statues that stuck on the wall . They had a picture for heads and that was fun . We each took turns with our heads . At the " world 's most dangerous creatures " sign , Dad told us to go around and told us that " you are the world 's most dangerous creatures . " While we walked there were other dinosaurs and there 's a water one with babies . Then there was a sitting place and we sat by a big dinosaur . We walked to a building and we saw some robots and they were dinosaurs . You could know they were robots because there was babies and you could hear the babies . There was a triceratops Mom and two babies . One was hiding behind a tree , one was by the momma . She was trying to fight the king dinosaur , the Tyrannosaurus Rex . I liked it , but Dad was trying to get me to stand by the big dinosaurs . I was scared . ( Dad said none of them liked it when they moved . ) Dad said to " lets go here because it 's safer " by the baby . There was a sandbox and there were bones stuck to the bottom and we digged in it to find the bones and I found lots of bones . It was fun . I was saying " can somebody please help me ? " because I wanted somebody to help me dig up the dinosaur bones . We found this dinosaur and we didn 't know what it is and I took a picture of Dad and I sabella with him . We don 't know what it was . We saw a dinosaur fossil and Dad and Afton were being the big dinosa134 : Ogden , UT | Thursday morning we were going to take the girls swimming , but the pool was closed for cleaning , so we couldn 't . We were told it would open again at noon , so I told Nathan it would be a good time to practice my flute if I could at Grandma 's house . So he took the girls to the Dinosaur Park in Ogden while I practiced . My dad was still trying to figure out what he was going to say , and Rex and Karen were just doing their own thing upstairs . At around 1 : 00 , Rex and Karen 's kids were all coming over to eat lunch , so Nathan and I joined them . It has been a long time since I 've seen any of my cousins and it was fun to see them . Crystal is the cousin I know the best because she is my age and we played a lot together . Right now she is living in India for two years while her husband trains workers there . She was happy to have cows milk to drink and since cows are sacred there they went out to s steakhouse for dinner on Friday night just so she could eat steak . During lunch she told us all about India and how they still have classes and they can 't marry within the classes and we wondered how the church worked with that . She said at church you can 't tell which class people are from very easily but they are not to marry someone from a different class group . It was very interesting . We went back to the hotel with about two hours before the viewing and Nathan tried to take the girls swimming again while I stayed with a sleeping Isabella , but they were adding the chemicals into the pool , so we had to try again later that night . We got ready and went to the viewing . Crystal told me a few stories I didn 't know about my Grandma . She said the Grandma used to work at a hospital at night as a nurse while she was raising kids too . Her family asked when she slept and she said that she 'd catch a few hours in an empty bed before going home . She said she could not sleep more than about four hours a night and she 'd get up before all her kids did to clean the house and get the canning done before they woke 136 : Great Grandma Morgan 's Funeral | Friday was a busy day . I got up and got ready early since I needed to leave before Nathan and the girls did . My Dad and Mom took me and picked up Staci and Geneva , which was the first time we 've seen each other in a long time . Geneva didn 't remember me at all . We met Nan at the church , which she drove all night to get there and didn 't sleep at all , and we started figuring out where to put the stands and started practicing " Oh That I Were and Angel . " Angie came a little bit later and she played the piano while the three of us played flute for this song . Then it was Rex 's families turn to practice and so we went to a different room to figure out " How Great Thou Art . " This song was interesting because we had at least one of us at a time playing the piano part and two or three of us playing the melody parts . Once we sort of figured it out , it sounded good . The beginning was the work part and the ending was the best sounding , but we were to play it while everyone was leaving , so we wished the beginning was better . Mom said it sounded really good though and it was pretty . We went to the final viewing and Aunt Margene covered her face with the veil and they closed the casket , then Uncle Rex said the family prayer . We all walked into the chapel for the service to begin . Margene and Dad were the first two to talk and I enjoyed listening to the different stories . My Dad said she was such a proper woman that she wouldn 't of liked them to talk about her this way , but they did . He told a story that Nathan really liked about a group of women who got together every week to play cards . O ne friend turned to another and said , " I hope you won 't get mad at me , but I 've forgotten your name . " The friend looks offended and sat there glaring and the other for a while then asked , " How soon do you need to know ? " Grandma had a lot of friends and they did get together to play cards a lot . Sometimes the Bishop would invite himself to these girlfriend parties to make sure th140 : Angela 's Homecoming Blackfoot , ID | Saturday was a fun day . Angela got released in the morning and then spent some time alone before taking off her name tag and dressing out of her mission clothes . She showed us pictures of her mission and told us about each one and a few of the areas she was in . Later that day we all went swimming . She was asked what she wanted to do when she got home and she said to go swimming with all her nieces and nephews . Actually , I never really talked to her because she was always by the diving board on the other side of the pool with the family she won 't see this week . The girls had fun swimming with Anna and Tyler for a while . On the way back from the pool , Nathan happened to follow Dallen and he was telling me about a place with really good Root Beer flavored ice cream and then he saw Dallen turn into a parking lot and said , " And there it is now ! Do you want to stop ? " So he ran in and got a cone for Afton and Bella to share and a cone for me and one for him . It was good . Cloey went back in Anna 's car . After the pool , Grandpa got out the four - wheeler , the lawn tractor and the big tractor . Everyone took turns and Cloey rode the four - wheeler twice with Anna and once with Bella and Anna . Dave drove for the last two . Cloey also rode in the tractor with Grandpa twice . On the first round she was driving it into the driveway . She had a lot of fun with that . Grandpa 's shop is really nice with a place to park all three machines , a place for the wood shop and a loft to store things in . All the kids had fun playing together while the adults had fun talking . Sunday came and in the morning we let the kids play for a while and then got ready for church . We took all the kids and Angela outside to get a few pictures of Angela with them like we did when she left for her mission . The only two missing were Bennett and Madelyn since Daniel and Laura could not make it . We only stayed for Sacrament Meeting and then we all went back to eat lunch . Nathan and I left and we had Anna with us to go142 : Mother 's Day May 2012 143 : Mother 's Day was fun . Cloey wanted to go for a walk , but Nathan knew better for me and said he 'd rather I drove . He left with Cloey and Bella , and Afton and I drove a little later . When we caught up to them , Cloey decided to jump into the Suburban instead . After church Cloey was very excited for me to find my gifts . She had already hidden them the night before . There were even a few things that Dad didn 't know about . The gift from Dad hadn 't come yet , so they printed out a picture and all the information to hide . I wanted to do parmesan chicken for dinner , but I wasn 't up to making it at all and my sister , Nan , had her birthday on Mother 's day and told me she was having steak . That sounded good and we had enough , so Nathan grilled them up for dinner . After dinner I found my gifts . Cloey and Bella gave me flip flops and Afton gave me princess stickers . Cloey also gave me a few special gifts . Two of them she made at school ; a book with coupons in it for a big hug , for 15 minutes of relaxing time ( of which she wrote on the book that she 'd " need Dad 's help for this one " ) , and a few others , as well as a book all about how she loves me . The book had comparisons in it such as " Mom , I love you like I love school . " Or rainbows , or her bear , etc . She drew pictures on top of each page . She also gave me a hipster bag that she won from school . Her last fundraise was by mix bag designs and her name was put into a drawing . The other girl got two Angry Bird charms and she got a black and white bag . Dad asked her if she thought of giving it to Mom by herself or if it was supposed to be for Mom and she said , " I looked at it and thought ' hmm , I bet Mom would love this . I think I 'll give it to her for Mother 's Day . ' So I did . " We thought that was very thoughtful of her . Nathan got me a compact video camera . It 's the same size as the regular camera but takes better videos . I 've had fun playing with it and I 'm glad I got it in time for Cloey 's recital . Nathan said he got it because we 144 : Spring Dance Recital | Cloey did her recital this past month and did an excellent job . She has had a few practices on a " stage " when she performed for the rehab center as well as the food bank . Then she went to the Clearwater Valley school in Kooskia to perform for the kids there . The school asked Mrs Shirley if she would take the whole hour to show the kids there that there is more out there to do than just sports . Nathan took her and he said it went a long time . She did get pictures taken of her at the recital , but I 'm not sure when we 'll get them . I had to make her costume and I just got a leotard she can wear again with sleeves , then tacked them up . I figured out how to make the flowers and then made her two . I got a lot of compliments on her you couldn 't tell it looked different from the others on stage or even closer up . They also liked the flowers and wished I did them instead because hers were nice and fluffy and everyone else 's were flat . She is done with school this next week . She did her spring concert and learned a lot of fun songs . Time goes fast . She is doing a great job at telling stories and drawing pictures to go with them . She 's been pretty creative lately . She is still reading very well and keeps learning new words as we read the scriptures at night . She started coach pitch baseball this week and loved practice . She always had a big smile on her face .
|
She got goat water the other night and had it this morning and when I was stirring it for her this morning I found a little hoof in it . She didn 't believe me , or thought that it was half a big hoof . But it was a little young goat 's hoof . When she found it she stopped eating . : ) Poor Jhodie . At least she didn 't find any eye balls floating in it . Incase you don 't believe me , I saw family make it a long time ago when I went to Nevis for a wedding . I saw them cut the goat in half as it hung from the tree . Everything went into the soup . I 'm not completely sure about the head , But I think it was used for something . Some people put the head in then take it out before they serve the soup . Other than that , I 'm good . : ) Almost froze today at work , it was so cold outside and inside . At one point B said there was mist outside . Mist ? Down here ? Ok . I went out side and looked . It was our kind of drizzle that had a strong wind behind of it . He did mention wind too , just the idea of mist got me to go and see it . I helped another teacher with the cloning thing . I finally finished with making the printable copy of St . J 's slides for the student . Now I think that I should post something letting them know that it 's there , but I feel like waiting first . I got a look at the web that I keep forgetting about making and came up with a plan , and did a small go though of the idea then changed my mind . At least now I have a plan for when I get in on Wednesday . Then I cleaned up two things that were wrong in two parts of the site . I helped M with a few things before she left , and drank a lot of water . : ) After I almost beat the rain home tonight I found an interesting dinner waiting for me along with a sick sister . She 's been sick for a few days now . I got over the worst of my cold first . Today Nika had the worst of hers , and now my sister is trying to breath and eat at the same time when tissue up her nose . This morning Nika was really bad . She had shakes , her upper body was hot , but her hands and legs were cold . Jhodie called the doctor to see if she would put her in cold water for the fever or what ? He said to just her the meds that she was going to give her in the first place . Now she 's fine and sleeping it out of her system . She woke up an hour a go and had some ice tea and some pops out of the box . Then she had the odd rice and went back to sleep . Speaking of which . Dinner was red peas and rice with pasta cooked in it . She said she ran out of rice . The chicken was normal and had little onions cooked whole in the gravy . I got those . : ) Now I 've stayed up to late . It 's now 5 till 3am , and I 'm suppose to be going going out tomorrow , but I got caught up in stuff . One was my tickle account . I signed up 2 years ago for an IQ test , but I found it again some how so I filled in my profile and such . That took a while . Then I helped in sending an e - mail to a student to get some stuff that she was selling and something else , but I can 't remember what just now . Well , see ya . by I started to feel better when I ate . I then thought that not really eating the past two days when I was coming down with the cold didn 't help me . It may have even made it worst . So today on my way in , 30 mins later , I gave my money to the cafeteria . Yes gave . Tofu is expensive here , but that meal that I " payed for " wasn 't worth $ 17 . The tofu cost $ 12 , the side of rice cost $ 5 . I give them points for adding the umbrella mushrooms to the tofu , but not that much . $ 7 , $ 8 , even $ 9 , I would have paid without saying a thing , but $ 12 was just too much . Now that my memory has been jogged as to the serving size along with how much they charge , it will be another 3 months at least before I buy a meal from them . Also , I should show up around 1 : 30 so I can get the last bit . When you show up that late I think you get a bit more . Well like I said I got to work late , but I called 30 mins before to let them know that I was running late . Then when I got there , I called down to let them know that I was on campus but going to get something to eat , he told me to take my time . So I did . I got down to work when I got there at the same time trying eating , and I was under a mess of left overs . Laptop help left and right . Helping E with a computer . First she said it was her 's , then she starting stressing about how long she had it for this person . For some reason she is telling people that she knows how to fix computers . I don 't know why . She had to help her for at least 2 hours with connecting and trouble shooting a cd rewriter install , and I had to clear out some spy and add addware stuff , and explain to her what I was doing . This is a lady that less then a year ago , who wanted to have xp on the front desk computer , and said that XP was easy . Ya , right . I also ran into a burn job that she started . She said she knew nothing about , tried to say that it was a job that M was doing . I told the girl when she came back that would try and finish it for her , but I didn 't get to . I felt so bad about it . That is the first things I 'm going to do , or let M do for me in the morning tomorrow . I may write her an e - mail before I go to bed . Maybe . It 's 2am now . Around 4pm I went over with Collin to the auditorium . I thought he was just going to show me how to turn everything off . I was wrong . I also helped him open up the building for an event that they were having tomorrow . They are having a world dessert tasting event at the school tomorrow . The International Vet club is having it . It 's a very good idea . I can 't make it . I 'll be working , but the girl who is putting this together was in today and needed help putting the music together for the event , and I helped in seting up their website for them , so she was happy with the help I had given her , so she 'll save me something from the event she said . That 'll be nice . I 'm not , and shouldn 't be expecting much . Our network today didn 't like some people and was going down all over the place . One of the student 's laptop that I was working on today would loose and gain it 's connection to the wireless network every min . Ron left work early , but he can do what he wants since I don 't really think that I failed anything or anyone with not fixing it . Somethings can 't be patched fixed . As for the girl who 's hard drive was too big , I found out why after trying for 30 mins to keep it from crashing and making space and having it crash / blue screen on me 3 times . She had added about 8 gigs of data to the laptop without looking to see how much space she would have left . She had a little over 1 gig of space left . On a 3 or 5 gig hard drive that wouldn 't be so bad . But to have only a gig left when you are using a 20 gig drive , your system can 't work like that . It needs at least 3 gigs free to function . Breathing room so to speak . So I stayed until 7 : 30pm or so helping the girl who 's computer was going down hill , but then we called it quits when it crashed and she was going to run panda 's on line anti - virus scan on it when she got home . Something somewhere was blocking somethings from connecting and it wasn 't in any of the normal places you would look . Now that I think of it , I 'm wondering if installing something that did that would let me open up everything to the net like it 's suppose to be . I know of two pieces of software that could do that . One that I don 't like that much is Zone Alarm , and Tiny Firewall . I 'll try them out . I 'm just about sure that I 'm going to see the laptop tomorrow when I come in for work . Well , she gave me ride to town , and even hung out with me . Jhoide had called me about 6 : 30 saying that she felt like sludge and didn 't want to cook and wanted me to get KFC . I was surprised to see that I actually had my bank card on me . So we went for KFC . She parked a block from KFC , but we had to walk 3 blocks to get to the ATM , since they didn 't take my debit card . Which on some days is fine , it saved me $ 10 . She admitted to not trying out much local foods since she didn 't have someone to tell her try this or that out , or even show her how to cook local stuff . I said mostly you just boil all the veggies . : ) We talked about goat water , it 's mutton soup in case you didn 't know . It 's normally quite hot . After we had gotten stuff from KFC and she was driving me home I brought up black pudding . I can 't eat , but it smells great . I told her what it was made with , and she went yuck . Which most people will do when they hear what is in it . Black pudding is rice and blood cooked in a intestine . I think . She was more against the eat of blood part . I told her that she had eaten blood , she just hasn 't gone out and ordered it before . Then I was home . We said good night , and I shared out the food . I was home like 30 or so mins before my Star Gate shows started , and I wish that I had gotten more than just a small wedges . So I had some Ramen soup later . Jhoide was a mess when I got here , and she got a bit better before she went to bed at 12 . She still completely upset that she can 't get into her main yahoo account now . We think that someone got into her account and changed the password , or something server side glitched , but either way , she 's locked out now , and can 't get into contact with her friends on yahoo messenger . She isn 't happy at all . I just made a backup of my address book from my main yahoo account since she asked me tonight if I had anyway of reaching my friends if this happened to me . Well I mentioned this lovely place . : ) And I had addresses for at least 4 people outside of my main account . But she had far more pby On line to blog that is . I got to chat with a few friends , check my mail , and try out that new version of picasa . It 's not bad . I 'm just not crazy about the new icon . The old one was better . As for the rest of my day . I was behind in getting my stuff together for work . I did my washing last night , but I had no clue what I had or wanted to ware with a skirt I had already picked . Ended up washing out my black and purple shirt this morning before my shower , hoping that the odd fabric would dry in time . It kinda did , but I didn 't have time to iron it . An over looked point . My hair I did something a little different with today . I put a path to the side an at one point , I looked like I brought back the 80 's cut afro . : ) But it worked , and it 's all I had . Today I thought that I was suppose to go by the nurse 's house to help her with her slide show . Heck , I said so in my blog last night . Then I realized that I forgot that I wasn 't going to work for 2pm today . Today was 11am , tomorrow is 2pm . I think that I 'm going with the same look tomorrow . Friday I 'll change it . Speaking of change , my sister isn 't going to Nevis this weekend . She 's going next weekend . Nika got and birthday party invite today for Saturday . So they are staying . Well , when I left after having to look for my wallet , and burning a cd of free games for M at work , and to take E her CD - RW drive it was starting to rain , so I went back and got the small umbrella . I didn 't really keep me all that dry . From Mid chest down I was getting wet , but it wasn 't really raining that bad . I think that I got to work about 15 past . The rain would be a nice excuse if was raining a bit more , but my body wouldn 't have liked it . I 'm coming down with a cold . Coughing ever so often , sore throat and a headache that bugs me every now and again . My sleep was odd so I was more or less a wake since 9am and I didn 't get breakfast , and had some water and to cold mints at work . Then around 7 : 50 after I got home I got something to eat . Yesterday 's left over . I tied up some loose ends . Called one department , wrote another one . St . J called and I sent him the pictures after I photo shopped one of them . He called me to ask me how to unzip them . I take it , this is his first zipped file . Then he called back to have me send them to another teacher . I guess he didn 't know how to forward them either . The amount of classes that I 'm going to end up doing this year if I get started . I got to talk to the teacher that he wanted me to send them to since he had some stuff in his apps folder that he had to take out . copyright issues . Refilled the printer like 3 times . Helped two teachers , about 5 students , found out that one movie we have , doesn 't has sound , and the other computer had a busted head set . Tried to help out with the laptops , but couldn 't really do anything . One was just dropping and picking up a signal every 30 seconds . The other one that I tried to defrag needed to have stuff moved to it 's other hard drive . It was too full . It needed to be defraged but there wasn 't enough room for it to defrag . I helped a girl from FinAid print a banner in MS Publisher . That had a dumb solution . But I found it . I posted an announcement , and helped one of the teachers with two problems . I 'll do part two of one of them tomorrow . But for most of the day I tried to work on my map of campus again . I 'm starting to replace the buildings , and I was able to copy the information from excel to paint shop pro , by taking a screen shot , and cutting out the part I wanted . And I was reminded that I had to finish the printable version of St . J 's slides for the students . I saw AM , but we didn 't talk , I as moving around a bit . I didn 't really get to use my computer at the front desk . I did a really nice desk top set up the other night I was on there . I 'll get you a screen shot . Well I was just finishing up a building on my map when I get a call that equipment was on . That means I have to go turn it off . Two places . Down stairs and over in the auditorium . Ok , down stairs I can do , but not over there . I went and looked , but I haven 't been shown how to do anything with the new equipment that went in . In fact , that was the first time I 've even been over there since the demo last month . Then I walked up the long road up the hill to street level . That was a nice hike . My thighs felt that one . Then I caught a bus home . Not a bad day , got stuff down , yet felt like I had time on my hands . Tomorrow I 'm going to be having a full day , and I wouldn 't mind getting my hair washed . But I 'll have to see about that one . The whole time crunch thing . Well now my duty for the day is over , and as always I just remembered that I forgot to do something at work . I can still do it tomorrow . Well , see ya . by * kiss * - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Home Free Download Features Support Dear photography enthusiasts : Just in time for your post - holiday picture organizing , Picasa 2 photo management software is here to help you find , edit , and share your photos in ways you never imagined . And good news : Google is still offering Picasa as a free download . If you 're using a previous version of Picasa , you will need to download the new version below to take advantage of these new features . ( Note : this download will not overwrite your old version ; all existing pictures and edits will be preserved and automatically appear in Picasa 2 . ) Picasa 2 is all about improving your picture after you take it . The fill light slider under the Basic Fixes tab repairs almost any dark , backlit photo . It 's a wonder . Twelve new photographic filter effects are worth thousands of dollars in expensive photo filters and equipment ( come see my garage for proof ) ; you 'll find a graduated tint effect that really makes gray skies blue . Zoom . Straighten . You can make good pictures great in Picasa . Better Organization New labels help you instantly group pictures into photo albums and add keywords so that later on , you can find pictures fast . You can even put the same picture into multiple labels without taking up extra space on your hard drive . A new Folders on Disk collection precisely matches the folders on your computer where your pictures are stored . If you move pictures from one folder to another folder in here , Picasa physically moves the original picture file on your computer to a new location . It 's a great way to clean up pictures stored all over your PC . You can even re - name picture file names directly from Picasa . Handy Captions Every picture tells a story , and Picasa 's new captions will help you tell your stories in your own words . Best of all , the captions you write are saved as part of the picture 's file , along with all the information that your camera captured when the picture was taken ( like the date and time and whether a flash was used ) . All of this picture information is searchable in Picasa . If you add star ratings to your favorite pics , you 'll find those super - quickly , too . Sharing Pictures You 've taken all these pictures - now Picasa is better than ever at helping you show them off . You can burn a backup or gift CD ( with slide shows ) ; send email using your Gmail account or the email of your choice ; blog photos in one click ; and use Hello instant photo chat . You 'll especially enjoy ordering prints direct from your favorite photo processing web sites now that Picasa will literally export multiple pictures for you ( that 's right - save hours of time by uploading in seconds ) . The prints and products available at Ofoto , Shutterfly , Snapfish , and WalMart . com are now yours for the taking . At - home photo printing has more options , including wallets , 4x6 , 5x7 , and 8x10 sizes . Once again we were out in the yard and we moved the rest of the pants . Then dug a path , then lied boarders . One I dropped on Jhodie 's foot . It 's ok , swelled a bit , but it 's ok now . I put Nika down for a nap , then I had to save my souange tree . The name is half sour and half orange . My sister wanted to kill the pant , but we 've had it so long that I wanted to let it grow . So I planted it in the ditch that has been there for months and put the dirt from the hole over the roots and back into the ditch . All the pants that were there have been relocated or sitting in water waiting for a planter to be placed in . We even made a rock edge to the start of the path and the two beds on either side . There was a fair amount of digging and raking and digging and raking . The souange tree also stabbed me in that back near the end of it all . It was when I was putting it in the hole and I was bending over to lower it down and one of it 's huge thorns ( and they are huge , 2 inches long ) stuck me in the back . My sister saw blood . Then I had to get ready for town . I was suppose to wake up Nika and take her with me to get her meds and some money so I can pay the bus to take me to and from work , but when I woke her up she didn 't want to go . She was with us when we started gardening earlier . Every time we would look around she had a packet of seeding starting to open . She so wanted to pant something then and there . She gets to do that tomorrow when I 'm at work . Well I took my bath and took my dear time getting ready to go to town . I tried to smile more than I normally did when I went out by myself . I just felt like I should . Anyway , I got to town after 4pm , I started to get ready around minutes til 3am . Well I got to town and did what I was set out to do . I got money , I got meds for Nika , I got the money for Jhodie to pay the lights bill tomorrow . I even picked up a few things for us . " Potato Patties " were on sale as well as these packets of Indian trail mixes . I got one , and I 'm not getting this kind again . I 'm not up for the burn . But NiWhen I got home Jhodie started dinner . It 's to be dumplings and saltfish . And she was done is good time . But between me showing up with the tail mix and her making popcorn when I was crying for water and soda from the tail mix Nika was no longer hunger . Nika sat in my lap as we went though the cds that I had from Jen from fixing her laptop two weeks ago . It turns out , they were old . Most don 't understand or know about win2000 . The others tried to run or install and failed , and one that I thought was a keeper , needed me to reduce my screen size down to 640xsomething and lower my colour depth to 264 before it would run , then it didn 't work when we tried to go back in , and it flooded my printer with like 60 print jobs . It wanted you to print everything it showed you . I 'm just going to have to buy some updated stuff for Nika . She likes Barbie to me and Jhodie 's dismay . I don 't like some things like Barbie that much , and Jhodie is so against most of that . It 's 1 : 15am . I 've finished up the blog from yesterday that I started and saved as draft . I 've done this one blog for today . Pearl is home . Nika is asleep . She woke up and came out to eat and we gave her some other meds to put her to sleep . We will have to get some more of that one next week . Oh . This weekend , my sister and Nika are going to Nevis to stay with a friend . They are leaving on Friday afternoon , and they will be back Sunday afternoon . Jhodie has told Pearl for me that they will not be here , and I will not be looking after Verey , and I 'm not shopping , even thought I get paid Friday . On Saturday I 'll go get a different trail mix bag , and some cereal , and some juice . Now I have to go wash my bra for work tomorrow . I 'll be washing my hair out tomorrow before I go to work and I 'm leaving the house like 2 hours early because the nurse sent me a letter . She 's ready to have me put all her sides and music and such together as one nice slide show . I hope it goes well . She is so excited to see this happen . I half hope that it takes less than 2 hours . I would like to get it finished and have her be happy , but I don 't want to be that early for work . : ) Another member . . . And this one joined yesterday . I would have seen maybe if msn and hotmail were working for me yesterday . Saturday I couldn 't get in , and almost for all of yesterday . I got to check my hotmail for like 3 mins without remembering that it was having problems until I tried later and couldn 't get in . Go figure . Last night was interesting food wise for me . One I tried a packet of " Miso Soup " . I didn 't smell or taste the way I expected it to . So I after trying to eat hot water that smelled like tamarind and eating fake tofu , I got one of my Ramen noodle things into it . I put in half the packet of " spice " that came with it . . and it was very edible . and I got some seaweed from the Miso . Then when I got home my sister had fun with dinner . It was potato salad with canned tuna and shredded cheese mixed in . Not bad . And there were some small muffin corn bread to go with it . But I didn 't eat that much since I ate my soup thing late . A teacher showed up staying that his computer didn 't have a cd rom drive . I just said ' ha ? ' for the whole time he 's talking to me . I said that I 'll send out and e - mail for them to check his computer the next day and install one if it really didn 't , but I should have one . A computer isn 't build without a cd rom drive . Right after he left I went to look at the ones that we had inside the office . We had like 4 of the kind he had left over . I went , I looked and they all had black cd rom drives built in . So I went to get him to get him , but didn 't see him . He must have went back t his office . So I went to check on my soup but it was still going in the microwave , so I went up this office , three levels up to see about this cd rom less computer . When I got there , his wife was in his office with him , and he was on the phone and had just turned to ask her " why isn 't she picking up " , then she said it 's because she 's here . : ) He looked around and saw me and said oh . : ) He was calling me to tell me that he saw it . : ) He doesn 't know how he didn 't see it , and his wife is just laughing saying hI did gardening work today . Once we got outside , we dug up all of my shiny leaf plants that I think you can drink for something . I have yet to find out what they are for yet . After we did that we dug up all the sugar apple trees that started to grow in the yard on that side . It turned out we had more than I thought . We put them all in a big bucket that we couldn 't use for anything else since it had a crack in the bottom . We then dug up the yard to get dirt from one place we had dumped it a while ago when we tried to dig up that tree that is still next to our wall that has a root as big as an elephant 's foot . Anyway , we then got ready to pick up the kids and go to the agriculture center on the other side of the grave yard . She got the kids at 4 an I went for bath , then I helped with changing the kids clothes and then we were off . It was a nice walk . The cars didn 't stop for us to pass . We had to wait until there was a gap in the traffic . We then walked though the grave yard on the dirt road that went thought it . I 'm sure it 's suppose to be paved or something , but now it 's mostly covered by dirt . Anyway , we got there just to see that the place was closed . Then on the way back Jhodie when to this tree that dropped big hard seed pods that she liked to eat , but she had to get the ones that had dropped from the tree and were good . She didn 't find any . Then was were on our way back home , she remembered that she had to get fruit for the kids to take to school tomorrow . So we walked down the other side of the grave yard by the Twain and St . Kitts something . They grow stuff in there too along with grapes . We made it over to the store then came back to the house . The rest of the day was uneventful . Oh , she also brought back a flowering plant from the grave yard . She said that she always wanted that plant . It 's now sitting in a glass jar waiting to be planted . But it 's doing a lot better than the gooseberry tree that we had to uproot today . Nika still had her cold cough that was keeping her up . Jhodie was almost able to stay up with me tonight , but then Nika woke up and called her . So I was left by myself . I saw some good shows . Can 't really remember what they were right now . I 'm just remembering " how clean is your house " that was one of the last things I watched , and it was a bad one . The house wasn 't as bad / dirty as some of the others that we 've seen , but the stuff that went on during the show just lowered it in my eyes . It 's had it 's moments in past eps . . . but this was just sad . I then went to the red district on line to get some comics . I flash papered one to a friend . I 'm waiting for his return e - mail . I expect shock , hopefully a thank you . It wasn 't thattt . . bad , and it was a bit of a joke . I still have it , and it 's 1869 KM big , if you have that much space in your inbox and you want to see , just e - mail me . See ya . by I some how kinda floated thought work today . Got there on time . . like 7 past . Hope I can do that during the week . I did a lot of web work , but not a lot . I past most of my time there , but it wasn 't a lot to do . Sounds like I spoke in a circle just now . Sorry . I then went to upgrade a piece of software that was giving me issues , but I tested it before I tried to get rid of it , and it saved itself . Which is good since a teacher showed up like 5 mins later to use it . They are so afraid of change . Then I proceeded to stun him with the clone tool in photo shop . I was trying to write up my computer tip for the day , but after showing him the tool and how to use it , he wouldn 't touch the mouse to continue . Then after he left , he turned right back around and brought me another pic to work on for him . When I was finishing it up , M from the front desk came back there to let me know that she was leaving . I then covered the front desk . Did some more web work , then stopped to talk to AM for a while , and helped her with some movie downloading problems she was having . It worked fine for me , but she was having issues . I 'll have to see if it 's just that computer , or the profile that the students use that is having this problem . I downloaded them fine . They were short surgery type movies . Anyway , I went and got something to eat , and she found me on her way out , and we talked and laughed , then she went home an I came back inside . I then decided to pay the last 30 mins of my game play left . Oh the game . I haven 't told you about it yet . Well it 's new . Like most of the games I try out . It 's called Big Kahuna Reef . It 's like Jewel Quest , with it 's draw ofcourse . It has nice background music , and it has entertainment of it 's own kind between boards . I try not to give too much away . * smile grin * Well just as I was on my last 15 or so mins of it , another friend of mind that I just about never see or talks to , who I think may like me a little , stopped in . We ended up talking and surfing and stuff for longer than I though . I some how lost like 40 mins with him . We laughed a bit when we looked up our signs English and Chinese . I 'm a Dragon . : ) Well I closed up , I pitted him for not having tv or Internet , but he doesn 't use the Internet much so he saved up some money by disconnected it . He just checks his e - mail . As for tv , he needs to study . : ) What is is kinda nice is that he never seems like he wants to leave when we are talking . Which could make a girl start to think things . But he 's running out of time if he ever wants to ask me out . : ) So I closed up , caught a speeding bus home , and had a little walk to my house . And here I am , blogging to you on time . : ) Well night night . It 's 2 : 30am here and I have to still spell check this . by Not A Bad Day . It 's 1am and I 'm mostly awake . I was going to write and say that I wasn 't going to be on line until after my all new shows were finished . But I didn 't bother . I haven 't really watched StarGate since they have been showing re - runs for so long . I only watch re - runs if I missed that ep or I haven 't seen the show in a long time . It took me months before I would let myself watch " FarScape " after they dropped it like they did . I was upset and couldn 't stand to watch until a few months before they came back with the last two shows , two hours each . And that was like over a year I 'm sure since they had dropped the show so badly . Well back to my day . Oh . . before I do that . One thing that I left out of my very shot note about yesterday . I got the fridge fixed . Well the guy showed up yesterday to fix the fridge . He was suppose to come by since Tuesday afternoon , but he made it by yesterday . The price . I will always talk about the price . I 'll be the aunt that rolls her eyes when some says the word bill . Well he disconnect a faulty wire , and replaced it . It was between the heater and the timer . The wire was about ? ? ? 4 inches long maybe ? That cost $ 50 , and his lovely time cost $ 80 . He wasn 't here 30 mins . I hid in the bedroom . One , I didn 't want to get dressed . Two they hate being crowed , and three , my sister knew more about the fridge than I did . So now my fridge is cold again . The freezer part of the fridge would freeze over and the lower part wouldn 't get any cold air and my sister would have to open up the back and defrost it by hand . Either with hot water , or the hair dryer . So now I 'm basking in my cold drink from the fridge . : ) Ok . . . now to really talk about my day . Well I tried to leave on time like always , but once again it didn 't happen . I did get a bus as soon as I got to the top of the street , but it stopped like 4 times before I got a chance to get off , and I walked into my department at 15 past . Not bad , but I felt like showing up at 10 past today . Oh well . On to work . I tried to hide from E . at the front desk by staying in the back with the guys , but soon she was there to reminded that she was there . She walked in and just about shouted that she was going on lunch . That meant that I had to cover the front desk . I 'm trying to be really good at covering the front desk these days . Anyway . I took the cup that I am now using to drink my water out of since they trashed my bottle on the weekend , to get some water from the water fountain , and there she was talking on the phone . In passing I asked her if she was doing anything on the computer . As much as I wanted to use the web program that was on that computer , I didn 't want to kick her out of it unless I had too . She said that she was using it . Actually it wasn 't the web program , but there was software on there that I did have to use that wasn 't on the other one . So she came back in like 2 mins later to see me looking at the two computers trying to figure out what I was going to do . She then again told me that she had something going and didn 't want to come out and go back into her profile . Fine . I opted to work with the other computer . But before I can make it workable for me , I ended up sorting though cds that I 'm pretty sure were E 's to do , but didn 't do , didn 't call the student to tell them there was a problem , or even checked the size of the data they wanted when she took the cds from them in the first place . So I sat there , trying to understand it all while she was out . Oh . . . when I told her that I needed to use the program that was on " her " computer , she said to just go back to the back room and she 'll be back in a little bit . She was gone for almost the whole hour ! And I took a message for her too , which she went into the back room to return . I was then left to talk to a student who came back mad because she got an e - mail from me a week after she dropped off the cds saying that we can 't use them . She was upset about the week she waisted waiting for the cds when she needed them to study from at home . So that is when my customer service training kicked in . I didn 't blame E for the mess , I agreed that it shouldn 't have happened and I tried to resolve it as quickly as I could . I couldn 't replace the cds since that wasn 't our fault , but I did promise to have the cds done for her that night before closing at 7pm if she brought in replacement cds and one extra . She didn 't have enough cds for the data that she wanted . Her cds were being miss read by the computer . You look at them and you can see that the data line was near the edge of the cd , more or less proving / stating that it was full of data , yet when you put the cd in the computer it says that it 's empty , until you tried to burn data to it , then it would ask you for another cd saying there wasn 't enough space on the current cd . She said thank you , and went to get some more cds . While she was gone I went back to fixing the cd mess . I e - mailed out like 4 e - mails , and another student came and got back one cd because of one of the e - mails . Another burn job that wasn 't checked for size . She asked for data that would take about 7 or so cds but only brought one . As sad as it is , when I 'm busy in one part of the department and someone brings a burn job to get done , I don 't check the size either . But now seeing the mess and having to clean it up , I 'm going to have to make time to check . Sorry if any of you see this . Ok , while I was there I got a little visit from Dr . St . J . ( such a give away ) , anyway , he is one of the teachers that keep me in business . : ) He showed up with three books with post - its sticking out of it . He wanted me to scan a few pictures for him . I smiled , asked one dumb Q , and then asked when he wanted it back when he was leaving . Before he tells me a day , he said that I 'm always so quick with getting the jobs done for him that when I could get to it , would be fine . Back to the cds and e - mails . Ever e - mail that I sent out to students were cc to E and M . The cd burning thing is their gig . I help out when they are behind or if someone for some reason realWhen I was there I felt like I was talking a little too fast for him , and I tried to slow down , but I don 't know how well I did that . But He seemed to have gotten most of it , and like he said , he can call me if he ran into a problem . Since I was up there , I stopped by C 's office to ask her about the polices that she was ' fixing ' since last year . She had no clue what I was talking about , as in , I should already have the fixed and updated stuff . That wasn 't the answer I was looking for . I have to go look over what I do have , and have all parities concerned look over them to make sure that they are up to date . I 'll work on that Sat , and Sunday . Well I came back down stairs and decided on scanning those pics for Dr . St . J . Jen ! . . Using the scanner computer to type up pdf files . Smile stuck across my face . Ok , looking to the other side of room , where the other scanner use to be . This is what happened . The IT department guys that did show up for work yesterday had to " move " into the FDC for the day . Rick , moved everything to move in , and when he left , he just left . He didn 't put anything back , he just made sure that the computer that I had my music on , was left on , and had a network connection , so I didn 't really know anything was wrong back there until I had to use something . Let 's see . He unplugged and move the computer and the scanner connected to that computer . Moved two monitors so they made a nice arch . The two other computers weren 't really connected either , and the 2x2 scanner was disconnect from the computer but still plugged in for power . So I had to reconnect three computers , move two of them and had to get on the floor in my skirt to hook back up two of them . My knees didn 't like me for doing that . I 'm just glad that my black and purple shirt didn 't come up looking brown and purple when I had to lay on my side for abit for one of them . Well I got all of them set up and working . I updated one , found out that the other one needs a new monitor , which I have to write to Ron about , and " my " computer is doing just fine . : ) By that time I didn 't need to use the other one anymore . Jen had already left . So I sat down , turned on my music and rocked out as I scanned the pics and tried to fix the books . For some reason , he had stuck paper to pages of the books and never took them out . I got some out since they were hampering my ability to scanning the requested pictures . ( big words * smiling * ) Some I had to leave the tape stuck to the page because they were ripping . Oh well . I got that all done after 3pm . Then when I had my last pic to scan , I get a phone call . Collin needs my help with something . Ok , not a bit deal . Then he started talking in code , and I 'm thinking , this is so far above my head , that if I could jump I still couldn 't reach it . But I said I would help , but couldn 't say when he would get any info from me . I then went to do my last pic . Touched them up , then came back to the front desk to finish what I was doing there now that E was gone and I had to man the front desk again . I was also asked to burn a cd for a student of her personal stuff , but just as I was given the job to do from Collin she showed up , but since it was such little bit of data , he told her to stay and wait for it , then my computer froze and crashed on me . So she went to come back . I had to change computers to get it done . So now I 'm back to working on computer like I started 3 hours earlier . Installed two piece of software , but I couldn 't put in the code for one because it would keep crashing on me . That was it , it had to be my profile . No one who was using this computer had these problems other than me . So I logged in as local admin , ran the last program to see if it would cause problems there too . It didn 't , it worked fine . Came up , let me enter the code and it was set to go . I copied over stuff from my profile that I needed , then erased the rest . I restarted the computer and logged in under my name to have it rebuild a nice clean profile for me . Then I went back to the admin profile and moved my stuff back then went back to make it look nice in my profile . Then everything worked . Well at least not right away , but they work . : ) Ok . . going to bed . It 's now 3am . Going to spell check this , and finish it up tomorrow . See ya . Spell checked and it 's now 3 : 30 and the cock are crowing outside . How nice of all 4 of them . : ( Good bye . by Packed up abut 30 screens until my back hurt , played a new game . I 'll tell you about it later . Called my uncle up to give me a ride , because as I walked outside it started to rain , and I wasn 't going to stand in the rain again to get a bus ride home . Which I did last night . Oh , and I washed my hair today before I went to work and in the process got a hot bath . I know , what is with me telling when I get a hot bath . Beleive me , if you got a hot bath , about once a week , and the other days you are stuck with river cold water , you would be bragging too . : ) Night . We tried to get some wiring for the lights we had to put up , but they no longer cut wire . You had to buy the whole bundle . I didn 't need that much wire , or had the $ 200 to pay for it . Then we walked all over the place until my back hurt . It ' nothing more than a ware house , with a lot of stuff in it . Next we went to Bird Rock Ram 's to get something . Too easily we went over the set amount . Then we found out that we didn 't have $ 2 . 50 on us to get a bus ride home . My sister tried to get money out of another 's bank ATM . Which she did , but we don 't know how much that cost us yet . Then we walked down to town with all our stuff , and when we sat down to eat something . . . cheese puffs and apple sauce , a guy that works for Ram 's that came in as we went out , passed us on his way back into town , so he stopped the truck and gave us a lift . How nice . We hurried home because the fridge guy was suppose to be coming by at 3pm . Which he didn 't do . Pearl then went to work , and I got ready to go get Nika , and had to bring back Verey as well . That was my Tuesday . Most of it anyway . I 'm blogging now . I don 't remember what happened on Thursday , Don 't really remember Friday other than I scanned some slides for Dr . ST . J , and got two requests for cd burn jobs from two teachers . Work was normal , had a few " storms " during the day . Off and on it rained like mad for like 5 mins then it went away . I think that I said that before . That happened for two days . At one point I was thinking that I may need an umbrella to get home . On Friday night I started a burn job , to find out on Saturday when I came in that it was stuck on the second one . : ( Great , the tray wasn 't working right . I had to then baby sit it for like 8 cds . The tray would come out , and I would have to pull it out a bit more so the arm could pick up the cd without stalling . Then when it went to put a cd in the tray , I had to fix it inside so it wouldn 't jam the slide draw . Then somehow each time when I had to leave it would work fine until it ran out of disks to burn too . It could only hold 50 cds at a time . It wasn 't full for some reason so I had to refill it twice . But it just gave me more problems . Come Sunday when I was finishing it up I ran into a few more problems and found out that I burned 5 too many . Great , there goes 5 of the last 10 I had . I also burned some cds for B who wanted some serves of a friend of his that died last year to give to the guy 's family . It seemed like the other computer at the front desk didn 't want to work with me that night . I crashed twice when I tried to burn the data to a cd , and once it went through . So I did one the computer that I normally use . That night I also got my trail mix . : ) Yes I like tail mix , and B said that he would get me some for " Christmas " when he went home . I just wish that he didn 't have to look though two states to find me some . Next time I 'll have to tell him to go to where the health food stores are to find it . Anyway , I shared it with AM and B , but I ate most of it . It was good , a little hot , but good . It was the oriental mix . I think . AM kept on thinking that the cheesy yellow peices were cheese . Then they would burn her . She would think it 's cheese , then it would burn her . : ) B , who looked at me very oddly when I asked him to bring it back for me had some . . and liked it . : ) I guess that he is going to buying himself some of that stuff when he gets back . Earlier I talked with him about stuff and he ended up telling me about what all that proof stuff means on the bottle . Then I told him about malts . He had no cluNo one was in the LRC since it was start of semester party night . The only thing was the few people that I talked too , which was about 2 or so , said that they weren 't going . One had to acctualy catch up . It 's the first week of school and they already had to catch up . I wonder some days if I was lucky in a way to have skipped collage . Not by choose ofcourse . AM walked home with the lady from the library , since the lived on the left side of the school . It was drizzling when I left , and I think it took a bit for a bus to come by . On Sunday I finished the ride of the bad cd duplicator , did some work on the computer , then remembered that M and I had to restock the paper cabinet . So we go the trolley and went to get paper , to find out that there wasn 't any , just boxes of books . Ok . Then M left and and hour later , we lost power . Half and hour later we got the generator on , but no AC and no computers for us , and the servers were sleeping or off . Another half and hour later we got main power . Then I had to turn back on all the computers on the floor . All 50 odd of them , and the ones in the FDC . I don 't remember what I did after that , I just know that I didn 't do that much work , AM didn 't come by to see me , and I left late because I had to leave notes and e - mail for people on Monday morning . I got home and was reminded that we were going walking today . Fine . I wasn 't going to fight it . I knew I had to go walking . Today I got up , got dressed and was ready before my sister who was bugging me about leaving . We made it into town . Checked out one store , it had cloths for tiny people , but we did fine a necklas that even I liked . Then we went to subways for lunch . : ) Yes we at at subways . I know , what 's the big deal . But for all the time I was at NY I didn 't make it a subway . But here is something I didn 't expect . The NY subway map on the wall . Well that is what we thought it was . After trying to find our stop , we started to think that it was a made up map with known names . We had a Large Fanta , and a foot long sub for use to shaIt was good . . the sub that is . Then Jho went to get some money for the bank incase we ran into anything on the way to IGA or TDC home center . They are outside of town . They are a mile and half , and two miles from our house . We didn 't spend anything until we got to IGA , that was like $ 20 or so , then we went to the building center part , and spent $ 40 something there , then we walked to TDC and spent another $ 46 or so . That pulls $ 20 for with drawing with my card twice . I got a step for Nika so she wouldn 't have to reach so much to wash her hands and bush her teeth in the bathroom . What else did I get ? Oh , Jho got some seeds . One was for and odd squash that is suppose to have a lemon flavor , and is round with black dots or spikes . I 'm not sure . But Jho wants to see how it turns out . She also got another squash that suppose to have the taste of sweet potato . Ya , I think she picked up the science experiment set . : ) And some other set of seeds that were for " normal " pants . We looked at rakes at the first place , but they cost too much . We looked at tiles , but didn 't really find the one that liked and or wanted . What else did we get from that place ? ? It came up to $ 40 odd . I know the step was like $ 24 or so . Clippers ? I know we looked at them . We got something . Then at the other place we got the rake , saw someone about showing up to look at our fridge . We said to have them come by at 3pm since we had to come back into town the next day . Anyway , we looked around a bit more , saw the hinges that I was looking for , but they were a bit heavier than I thought they would be . So they were saved for when I got a really good iron gate to put them on . My sister looked at some sad looking plants that they had discounted . We walked around in circles for like an hour , looked at a lot of things and found out that they didn 't have the wire that we wanted to put in the new light outside the kitchen door . But we were lucky enough to get a bus that far off the beaten track as we came out of the building . We got a lift all the way home . That was mostly the end of my day . Heard the kids run around for most of the afternoon . Tried out office 2003 , don 't like that much but giving it a shot . I tested out some part for that girl back at work . They crashed my system in a nice loop until I pulled the power . So I 'm more or less ready to tell her that she needs new parts . Ok , I had to go to bed last night without posting this due to a tummy ache , too much cheese and because Perl was watching black Monday night line up . It started really to bug me when she would watch something that I liked then switch it back to that and go back and forth . So I saved this as a draft and went to bed after used the bathroom . When I was in there in pain , I tried to understand why I was in pain , then I figured that it was the cheese bread from subway , and the cheese I had for dinner in my sandwich . Well now I just have today to tell you about . See ya . Jhoy . by http : / / www . acid - play . com / list / arcade , 1 . php Got a few things done today . Finished burning some cd 's that didn 't want to . . . cleaned out my inbox at work , and got some games for the guy working in the library . That would be where this link came from . I think I should share . Have fun . = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = My web sites : http : / / www . geocities . com / jhoyelba - First Website With Link to Second One . http : / / www . jhoye . blogspot . com - Online Public Journal http : / / groups . msn . com / WallpaperForEveryone - Wallpaper Group = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Do you Yahoo ! ? All your favorites on one personal page  Try My Yahoo ! Failed in trying to fix a wireless nic driver problem for this laptop . Worked on a laptop that didn 't have enough space to get patched , and I got a file or two , that I don 't know where to post . Other than that , after 4pm we had what was labeled scattered showers , which seemed more like small freak storms . Every 3 hours for about 5 mins , 35 mile per hour winds would hit with a full down pour of rain . Everyone would just stop and look up at the roof , or to the side where the windows were and just look at the rain beating against the window . AM hung out with me near the end of my shift , and helped me pick out a few stylizes that I wanted or might look good on me , which brings me to this morning . This morning , we were suppose to be checking out stores in town that had my size clothes . But in an hour or so , we ended up choosing a tailor . Soon we were window shopping for fabric . I printed up a few looks that I liked , so when we took the fabric to the tailor , we could show him what I wanted . I picked a lot of flowy , two layered , a cut , on the slant , type of things . I have one or two that ' normal ' , but I 'm not getting anything that I see everyone else wearing . YUK ! Well It 's mins to 1am and I 'm tried . I worked until 10 tonight , but I didn 't leave until 10 : 30 . A downpour stopped me a little . Then I was standing in that lovely 25 mile per hour wind as I waited for a bus to come along . The second student that came by turned out to be a girl that lived down the street from me , so she gave me a lift . I babbled . I didn 't know what to talk to her about , even thought she asked the questions . I was just happy to be in something . It was so cold out there . I should have asked her how her break went . : ( Well , I 've had dinner , it was good , had a banana , and some Kool - Aid , tried to talk to someone online , but it looks like he left his IM and computer on and went to bed . Watched a few shows , now I 'm heading to bed . Tomorrow I have to be at work for 11am . I have slides to scan . That laptop to finish installing it 's patches . Finish adding those new docs that I got to an unpublished part of the site , and . . . . . wait for people to come asking for help . I 'll be done by 7 , which will seem like a long ways off at 2pm , but at least I 'll have my noodles . : ) See ya . PS . . Oh , here is something nice that happened today . I caught a bus to work today , and the driver stopped to pick up clothes a the cleaners , and I was looking at my watching , hoping it won 't take that long , but it took 5 mins and at 10 past 2pm I was on the road going to work . I was hopping to be at work by this time . He kept asking me if he took to long , and he really didn 't , and yet I was later for work than I wanted to be , and it didn 't help that I saw a bus go by me while I sat there and waited for him . But I could say that he did take a long time . So I just mumbled something about I don 't know yet and mostly didn 't look at him . When he dropped me off I tried to pay him for the ride , but he said no . Ok . . . I got a free ride . I can live with that . : ) By the time I walked into my department , it was 14 past 2 . Not bad . That last set are pics of the botanital garden . The first set are of some kind of housing history of the islands . The last two houses were the ones I grew up knowing . Not many are left . . at least close to town . http : / / www . jhoy . 0catch . com / Botanital % 20Garden % 20in % 20Nevis / index . html I got up , washed my hair in hot water , and had a mostly warm bath for the first time in like 2 or 3 weeks . I wore my new blouse that I got from Ram 's a few weeks ago . I thought that many people didn 't see me in on Sunday , so I 'll wear it again today and since it 's currently my best shirt I should wear it on my birthday . I tried to get to work on time . I got there 15 past . The bus stopped for gas . I was in the office for like 3 or so hours before I was sent out to help a teacher . Ran into a little bit of trouble with the copying of some files and the configuring of a profile . But that worked itself out in like 2 hours . : ) While I was up there I also bumped into two other teachers that wanted a moment of my time . One teacher gave me some slides to scan or him . Another teacher wanted help with shortcuts and to ask a question about a map drive that didn 't want to connect anymore . Then I was back down stairs , finishing up the posting that I was doing to the portal . Then I asked to look into a case of a laptop that wanted to be given a password or something before it connected to the wireless network . We didn 't giver our wireless network any passwords or such . We had two or three that had issues connecting . . . so we are leaving them for the guy who is in charge of the wireless network to have a look at them . I talked to a few students . Told two of them that it was my birthday . One hugged me , and the other one was just loud when he said happy birthday . Posted two galleries of pictures . At first she wanted me to post 116 pics for one gallery . Not happening . Everyone else only get 25 , but since she was who she was , I gave here 50 and in the end tossed in one more . One thing came out that . I got some pics of the botanical garden in Nevis . I brought some home , now my sister is asking me when we go to Nevis . Sometime this year . . . maybe for her birthday in March . Came home to leftovers and some newly baked corn bread muffins . : ) It 's like 7 till midnight , and everyone who is here is asleep , an I 'm just about ready to turn in . My sister is taking me window shopping tomorrow , since I don 't have to be at work until 2pm . But I still have to get up early . . I think she wants to cover some ground . : ) Well see ya . PS . . . I 'm not too old to get money for a birthday gift . : ) I didn 't have a think to post about yesterday . I stayed in bed until I couldn 't . Which was somewhere around 12 , then I came out used the computer , then went back into bed at 2 : 30 for another 2 hours . Then everyone starting come back . I washed dishes , I did help cook , but not the stuff that got burned . : ) It was just pasta mixed with cream of something again , and my sister defrosted some turkey burgers and mushed , yes mushed , them together with some spices and bbq sauce . Then the kids went to bed with out much bother , but then Nika couldn 't go or stay asleep . Her ear was hurting her , which made other parts hurt her , and she was up every 4 - 10 mins crying about some part of her . At 1am I called it quits with trying to put together this junk of a computer for this girl that I don 't like , but I didn 't think it was going to be this hard . I thought that it would be interesting , and I could learn a few things for when I install my new motherboard in like 3 months , but she wrecked it ( them ) . First she moved memory from one computer to the other , and the computer just died . I wasn 't there so I don 't know what caused it to die . She said that it worked for a while after she moved the memory over . So she has two " shells " of computers for me to take apart and put together to make a computer for her kids . She , with out unscrewing some parts , yanked out , yes , yanked out the motherboard from one of the computers . My sister had to un - bend some of the parts , and take out the cage that held the hard drives in the case . I feel like giving it back to her , but I haven 't tried everything yet . So I 'm still trying . She 'll get it in a week . Maybe . : ) Anyway , as I 'm packing up to go to bed , my sister more or less starts crying that she can 't deal with Nika . She had an interview today and she hasn 't had any sleep in the 3 hours she 's been trying to get some . She wanted to send Nika to me , but anything during that night that she had sent her to me , she ( Nika ) always went back crying mommy . So I was just about to lay down in my bed after cleaning it off and turning off lights in the rest of the house , and locking up that I heard Nika outside of my door . She came . So the next 3 and half hours , I was half awake on my side , waiting for her to cry , and push me off my little twin bed . So I got no sleep even though I was ready to sleep . She was slow in her crying which gave me a short lived home that she wasn 't going to cry an just sleep since she was in my room . I had maybe 15 mins of her sleeping and snoring , then the crying started , and the rubbing of the ear . That went on for like 2 hours . . then she cried her way out of my bed asking for mommy . I made her understand that she can not cry when she went back to the mommy 's bed . I said it twice in a set tone , and it worked . There wasn 't a peep out of her for the rest of the night . But she didn 't go to school today . Today , we as myself , my sister , and Nika went to town to do a bit of light shopping after my sister came back from her interview . Which on the whole went ok , but she has to go back for a working interview , but it sounds like she did ok . We just had to drop off her resume on our way into town since she forgot to take it with her . We went out shopping for some things , spent time doing something else , spent money on lunch , daggers ( flip flops that don 't flip ) for my sister , and new wallet that I think won 't last that long , and got some hash browns and TP for the house . Then I headed over to the nurse 's house to help her with pictures and to install a program . I ended up helping her with a sound card problem . At least I learned something from that one . I think that 's it . Oh , tomorrow , I got back to work and I tuby Today was registration day . I was asked to be there for 10 even though registration didn 't start until 11 . I ended up getting there at 10 : 30 . I left the house at 10 : 15 , and the guy from work that saw me to give me a lift to work , drove on the slower slide , and then stopped for gas . I spent most of the day working on my map of the campus . Then I had lunch that was provided by the school . Then Dr . S found me and I sent the rest of the day trying to make a slide show work for him . And during all of that , I reprinted ids for students who lost theirs , or one who got married , and one new teacher , and spouse . When it came time to close down , I had to help a few students with printing the flash paper again . I added a page on how to print from flash paper along with why we chose to use it , but I know that as of yet , I don 't think that anyone has read it . I came home in the rain again , but I got Rick to give ma a lift . So I got away without having to pay a bus today for a ride . We closed up at 5 and I was home by 5 : 10 I think . Thinking back now on what I did when I got home , I 'm actually pressed to remember . But I 'm starting to remember now . For most of the night I snacked since my sister didn 't cook dinner . Then I think I tried to take a nap , or just laid down , but she came and got me to type up my cousin 's resume . She said that she told him to come for it after 8pm . I finished it up before 8 , but it was missing dates . Fine , I said , he will just have to add them in when he gets here before I print it out for him . 8pm came and went , but he didn 't show . I didn 't care . Most of the night I tried looking for Charmed to come on , but we never found it . Crossing Jordan was a dark one today , but it was a good ep . Twister showed three times , I still missed the start with the two sisters and the flying cow . I like the start of the more then the rest of it . I actually wanted the start of this session 's Sureal Life on VH1 . I want to avoid the rest of it , but I just know I 'll be seeing more than I want of it . My sister is getting her outfit ready for tomorrow . She has and interview . She even got new shoes for the gig . They look nice . It will be nice if she got a job , and helped out with paying for stuff for the house . Nika starts school tomorrow , but it was hard getting her to go to sleep . We got her down by 10 : 30by Just the toll of working day shift has stopped me from posting anything for this week . I 'll be back to blogging in two days or so . More or less I 'm back to my normal work hours Sunday , 9th of January . In short reflection of the past week , did work with out doing much and getting stuff done , and started a new project . My media center is up in the air because the location may be changing . The AV upgrade that we were having has snagged on power . Part of it got fried by low power that was over clocked . Odd considering the builders warned about it , yet didn 't use the precaution that they suggested . And today , on my last Saturday off , I kinda helped my sister with a small over haul of the front yard . I didn 't get to help as much as I wanted due to my back , and needing to go to work tomorrow , but it came out great . I just need to buy more gravel . Today was a cold , windy and near sunset , wet day . I 'm to afraid of the temp of the water to take a bath until tomorrow when I 'm boiling some water for my bath and to wash my hair . Carnival this year was great . I didn 't see that much of it , and it 's not back to what it use to be when I was a kid , but by all reports , it 's the best in years . One of the guys in my department went jamming on last lap from like 10am until 1am . That 's how some people stay in shape down here . Jamming . . . dancing and drinking to very loud local music that moves at 2 miles an hour . It 's a roaming party . Now I 'm off to bed . I fell asleep in the couch at 11 : 20pm or so , and my sister woke me up . I said that I was going to bed , but had to use the bathroom , now I 'm a little more awake so I decided to come and say that I was still here . Now I 'm saying good night . See ya on the flip side . Hi ya . Ya I 've been gone for a while . I needed sleep more than I needed to blog . * yawnnnnnnnnn . . . . . * I feel like heading to bed now , but if I don 't blog now , I may not remember what I did . Let 's see . On Monday it was a holiday , and I worked , which reminds me I have to fill out an over time sheet . It was orientation day . New students came in groups , were walked around , but mostly talked about different stuff by different department heads and such . There are only two groups this semester . We had total like 58 or 62 students vet prep and 1st put together . Normally we have like 105 . : ) They came in , they sat down , we showed them how to log into the computer , explained the stuff on the screen , told them where to find their school notes and how to get to their e - mail . They had questions we answered them . This is also when we get to see who have problems with their account and e - mail , and we fix them then and there . The first set got a good run down of everything . The second group ran late . I was then sent upstairs to connect a staff member 's computer . Got there , and it was already connect , she was even logged in . The only thing missing I soon found out , after I pulled myself over her moving boxes , is that she didn 't have network cable plugged into the computer . After I did that , and making it look a bit nice , since I was pulling it from the ceiling on the other side of the room , I updated her OS , and scanned it . That took me over 30 mins I 'm sure , and when I got back he was only half way with the second group . A little after I showed up , their " drivers " showed up asking if they were finished . They were being taken to King 's Place for lunch . Lucky them . Well we were done when they left , so we hung around for like 40 or so more mins then I closed up the LRC at 1 : 30pm . Nice half day . Since I finished up so early , I was of to the nurse 's house . She had sent me an e - mail almost out of the blue asking me to come over and install some stuff . I say out of the blue because her first e - mail to me was as vague as it got . Most of theby Granted we didn 't have a water dumped on us . We weren 't part of the early crowd . : ) It was abit tamer when I took Nika out to see the troops . I think the pics from today will be posted by Monday so do check back . : ) Other than that , I tried to stay in bed as long as I good . Then I was sent out with Nika , who 's knees were pressed in my chest for most of the time out while I was holding her up to see the parade . We were out for about 4 hours . Oh , one more thing happened today . I posted my wallpapers . I tried to upload the exe that I had made up for this month . But It was too big to be uploaded to either my wallpaper group at MSN , and the webspace that I got just incase . Oh well . I 'm chatting with a friend of mine in the US who so wants to live in the Caribbean , and I said hi to my older half sis in Canada who isn 't having any fun . Well see ya . by
|
In any other supermarket , the woman walking down the aisle , pushing a cart between canned goods and gourmet spices , would have looked strangely out of place . She had impeccably groomed shoulder - length brown hair , beautiful skin , huge brown eyes , a trim figure , perfectly done nails , and she was wearing a navy linen suit that looked as though she had bought it in Paris . She wore high - heeled navy blue shoes , a navy Chanel bag , and everything about her was perfection . She could have easily pretended she 'd never seen a supermarket before , but she looked surprisingly at home here . In fact , she often stopped at Gristede 's at Madison and Seventy - seventh on the way home . Most of the shopping was done by their housekeeper , but in a funny old - fashioned way , Mary Stuart Walker liked doing the shopping herself . She liked cooking for Bill at night when he came home , and they had never had a cook , even when the children were younger . Despite the impeccable way she looked , she liked taking care of her family , and attending to every minute detail herself . Their apartment was at Seventy - eighth and Fifth , with a splendid view of Central Park . They had lived there for fifteen of the nearly twenty - two years of their marriage . Mary Stuart kept an impressive home . The children teased her sometimes about how " perfect " everything always was , how everything had to look and be just right , and it was easy to believe that about her . Just looking at her , it was easy to see that she was somewhat compulsive about it . Even at six o ' clock , on a hot June evening in New York , after six hours of meetings , Mary Stuart had just put on fresh lipstick , and she didn 't have a hair out of place . She selected two small steaks , two baking potatoes , some fresh asparagus , some fruit , and some yogurt , remembering too easily the days when her shopping cart had been filled with treats for the children . She always pretended to disapprove , but couldn 't resist buying the things they saw on TV and said they wanted . It was a small thing in life , spoiling them a little bit , indulging them bubble - gum flavored cereal was so important to them , she never could see the point of refusing to buy it for them and forcing them to eat a healthy one they 'd hate . Like most people in their world in New York , she and Bill expected a great deal from their children , a high standard for everything , near perfect grades , impressive athletic ability , complete integrity , high morals . And as it turned out , Alyssa and Todd were good - looking , bright and shining in every way , outstanding in and out of school , and basically very decent people . Bill had teased them ever since they were young , and told them that he expected them to be the perfect kids , he and their mother were counting on it in fact . By the time they were ten and twelve , Alyssa and Todd groaned whenever they heard the words . But there was more than a little truth to the speech , and they knew it . What their father really meant was that they had to do their absolute best in and out of school , perform at the top of their ability , and even if they didn 't always succeed they had to try hard . It was a lot to expect of anyone , but Bill Walker had always set high standards , and they met them . As rigid as their mother seemed to be sometimes , it was their father who was the real perfectionist , who expected it all from them , and from their mother . It was Bill who really put the pressure on all of them , not just his children , but his wife as well . Mary Stuart had been the perfect wife to him for nearly twenty - two years , providing him with the perfect home , the perfect children , looking beautiful , doing what was expected of her , entertaining for him , and keeping a home that not only landed them on the pages of Architectural Digest , but was a happy place to come home to . There was nothing showy or ostentatious about their way of life , it was all beautifully done , meticulously handled . You couldn 't see the seams in anything Mary Stuart did . She made it all look effortless , although most people realized it couldn 't be as easy as she made it seem . But that was her gift to him . Making it all seem easy . For years , she had organized charity events which raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for important charities , sat on museum boards , and worked ceaselessly assisting the cause of injured , diseased , or seriously underprivileged children . And now , at forty - four , with the children more or less grown , in addition to the charity events she still organized , and the committees she sat on for the past three years she 'd been doing volunteer work with physically and emotionally handicapped children in a hospital in Harlem . She sat on the board of the Metropolitan Museum of Art , and Lincoln Center , and helped to organize assorted fund - raising events each year , because everyone wanted her to help them . She kept extraordinarily busy , particularly now , with no children to come home to , and Bill constantly working late at the office . He was one of the senior partners in an international law firm on Wall Street . He handled all of their most important cases relating to Germany and England . He was a trial lawyer primarily , and the things Mary Stuart did socially had always done a great deal to enhance his reputation . She entertained beautifully for him , and always had , although this year had been very quiet . He had spent much of the year traveling abroad , particularly for the past several months , preparing a massive trial in London , which had kept him away from home . And Mary Stuart had been busier than ever with her volunteer work . Alyssa was spending her junior year at the Sorbonne . So Mary Stuart had more time to herself this year . It had given her a chance to catch up on a lot of things . She took on some additional charity work , did a lot of reading , and volunteered at the hospital on weekends . Or sometimes , on Sundays , she just indulged herself , and stayed in bed with a book , or devoured all of the New York Times . She had a full and busy life , and to look at her , no one would ever have suspected there was anything lacking . She looked at least five or six years younger than she was , although she had gotten thinner than usual that year , which should have been aging , but somehow it wasn 't , and it actually made her seem even more youthful . There was a gentleness about her which people loved , and children responded to , particularly the ones she worked with . There was a genuine kindness which came from the soul that transcended social distinctions , and made one unaware of the world she came from . One was simply aware of something very touching about her , something almost wistful , it seemed , as one watched her , as though she understood great sorrow and had endured great sadness , and yet there was no sign of gloom about her . Her life seemed so completely perfect . Her children had always been the smartest , the most accomplished , the most beautiful . Her husband was enormously successful , both financially and in terms of the prestige he earned in winning highly visible , landmark international cases . He was highly respected in business , as well as in their social world . Mary Stuart had everything most people wanted , and yet as one looked at her , one sensed that edge of sadness , it was a kind of compassion one felt more than saw , a loneliness perhaps , which seemed odder . How could anyone with Mary Stuart 's looks and style , accomplishments and family , be lonely ? When one sensed that about her , divining her with the heart rather than the eyes , it seemed strange and unlikely , and made one question one 's own intuitions about her . There was no reason to suspect that Mary Stuart Walker was lonely or sad , and yet if one looked hard enough at her , one knew she was . Behind the elegant facade , there was something tragic about her . " How ya doin ' today , Mrs . Walker ? " The man at the checkout grinned at her . He liked her . She was beautiful , and she was always polite to him . She asked about his family , his wife , his mother for years before she died . She used to come in with the kids , but now they were gone , so she came in alone and always chatted with him . It would have been hard not to like her . " I 'm fine , Charlie , thank you . " She smiled at him , and looked even younger . She looked scarcely different than she had as a girl , and when she came into the store in blue jeans on the weekends , sometimes she looked just like her daughter . " Hot today , isn 't it ? " she said , but she didn 't look it . She never did . In winter , she looked well - dressed despite the brutal cold and the layers everyone wore , the boots against the snow and slush , the hats and the scarves and the earmuffs . And in summer , when everyone else looked frazzled in the deadly heat , she looked calm and cool and unruffled . She was just one of those people . She looked as though nothing ever went wrong , she never lost control , and certainly never lost her temper . He had seen her laugh with her kids too . The daughter was a real beauty . The son was a good kid … they all were . Charlie thought her husband was a little stiff , but who 's to say what makes some people happy ? They were a nice family . He assumed the husband was in town again . She had bought two baking potatoes and two filet mignons . " They say it 's going to be even hotter tomorrow , " he said as he bagged her things and saw her glance at the Enquirer and then frown in disapproval . Tanya Thomas , the singing megastar , was on the cover . The headline said TANYA HEADED FOR ANOTHER DIVORCE . AFFAIR WITH TRAINER BREAKS UP MARRIAGE . There were terrible photographs of her , an inset of the muscle - bound trainer in a T - shirt , and another of her current husband fleeing from the press , hiding his face as he disappeared into a nightclub . Charlie glanced at the headlines and shrugged . " That 's Hollywood , they all sleep around out there . It 's a wonder they even bother to get married . " He had been married to the same woman for thirty - nine years , and for him the vagaries of Hollywood were like tales from another planet . " You 're too nice about everyone , Mrs . Walker . They 're not the same kind of people we are , believe me . " He knew , he had seen some movie people come in regularly over the years , with different men and women all the time , they were a pretty jazzy crowd . They were a totally different kind of human being from Mary Stuart Walker . He was sure she didn 't even understand what he was saying . It was a short walk to the building where she lived , and even after six o ' clock it was still stifling . She thought Bill would be home , as usual , at around seven o ' clock , and she would have dinner for him at seven - thirty or eight , depending on how he was feeling . She planned to put the potatoes in the oven when she got home , and then she 'd have time to shower and change . Despite the cool way she looked , she was tired and hot after a long day of meetings . The museum was planning an enormous fund - raising drive in the fall , they were hoping to give a huge ball in September , and they wanted her to be the chairman . But so far she had managed to decline , and was hoping only to advise them . She wasn 't in the mood to put together a ball , and lately she much preferred her hands - on work , like what she did at the hospital with handicapped children , or more recently with abused kids in Harlem . The doorman greeted her as she came in , took the groceries from her , and handed them to the elevator man , and after thanking him , she rode upstairs to their floor - through apartment in silence . The building was solid and old , and very handsome . It was one of her favorites on Fifth Avenue , and the view as she opened her front door was spectacular , particularly in winter , when Central Park was blanketed with snow , and the skyline across the park stood etched in sharp contrast . It was lovely in summer too , everything was lush and green , and from their vantage point on the fourteenth floor , everything looked so pretty and peaceful . You could hear no noise from below , see none of the dirt , sense none of the danger . It was all pretty and green , and the final late bloom of spring had exploded at last after the seemingly endless , long , bleak winter . Mary Stuart thanked the elevator man for helping her , locked the door after he left , and walked the length of the apartment to the large , clean white kitchen . She liked open , functional , simple rooms like this one to work in , and aside from three framed French prints , the kitchen was completely pristine , with white walls , white floor , and long expanses of white granite counters . The room had been in Architectural Digest five years before , with a photograph of Mary Stuart sitting on a kitchen stool in white jeans and a white angora sweater . And despite the excellent meals Mary Stuart actually prepared , it was hard to believe anyone really cooked there . Their housekeeper was daily now , and there was no sound at all as Mary Stuart put the groceries away , turned the oven on , and stood looking for a long moment out the window at the park . She could see the playground a block away , in the park , and remembered the countless hours she had spent there , freezing in winter when her children were small , pushing them on the swings , watching them on the seesaw or just playing with their friends . It seemed a thousand years ago … too long … how did it all fly by so quickly ? It seemed like only yesterday when the children were at home , when they had dinner together every night , with everyone talking at once about their activities , their plans , their problems . Even one of Alyssa and Todd 's arguments would have been a relief now , and so much more comforting than the silence . It would be a relief when Alyssa came home in the fall , for her senior year at Yale after a year in Paris . At least once she was back , she 'd come home occasionally for weekends . Mary Stuart left the kitchen and walked to the small den , where she often did her paperwork . They kept the answering machine there , and she flipped it on and heard Alyssa 's voice instantly . It made her smile just to hear her . " Hi , Mom … sorry I missed you . I just wanted to say hi , and see how you are . It 's ten o ' clock here , and I 'm going out for a drink with friends . I 'll be out late , so don 't call me . I 'll call you this weekend sometime . I 'll see you in a few weeks … bye … " And then , almost as an afterthought , “… Oh … I love you … " There was a click then , when she hung up . The machine recorded the time , and Mary Stuart glanced at her watch , sorry to have missed her . It had been four o ' clock in New York when Alyssa had called her , two and a half hours before . Mary Stuart was looking forward to meeting her in Paris in three weeks , and driving to the south of France , and then into Italy for a vacation . Mary Stuart planned to be there for two weeks , but Alyssa only wanted to come home a few days before school began in September . She wanted to stay in Europe as long as she could , and was already saying that , after graduation , she wanted to go back to live in Paris . Mary Stuart didn 't even want to think about that now . The last year , without her , had been far too lonely . " Mary Stuart … " The next voice was her husband 's . " I won 't be home for dinner tonight . I 'll be in meetings until seven o ' clock , and I just found out I have to have dinner with clients . I 'll see you at ten or eleven . Sorry . " There was a click and he was gone , the information imparted , clients more than likely waiting for him while he called , and besides , Bill hated machines . He said that he was constitutionally unable to relate to them , and he would never have left her a personal message on the recording . She teased him about it at times . She used to tease him about a lot of things , but not so many lately . It had been a hard year for them . So much had changed … so many startling revelations and disappointments … so much heartbreak . And yet , outwardly , they all seemed so normal . Mary Stuart wondered how that was possible sometimes . How your heart could break , shattered beyond repair , and yet you went on , making coffee , buying sheets , turning down beds , and attending meetings . You got up , you showered , you dressed , you went to bed , but inside a part of you had died . In years past , she had wondered how other people lived through it . It had morbidly fascinated her at times . But now she knew . You went on living . You just did . Your heart kept beating and refused to let you die . You kept walking , talking , breathing , but inside everything was hurting . " Hi , " the next message said , " this is Tony Jones , and your VCR is repaired . You can pick it up any time you want . Thanks , bye . " Two messages about board meetings that had been changed . A question about the museum ball , and the committee being formed for it , and a call from the head of volunteers at a shelter in Harlem . She jotted down a few notes , and remembered that she had to turn off the oven . Bill wasn 't coming home . Again . He did that a lot now . He worked too hard . That was how he survived . And in her own way , so did she , with her endless merry - go - round of meetings and committees . She turned off the oven , and decided to make herself eggs instead , but not yet , and then walked into her bedroom . The walls were a pale buttery yellow , with a white glazed trim , the carpet an antique needlepoint she 'd bought in England . There were antique prints and watercolors on the walls , a handsome marble fireplace , and on the mantel silver - framed photographs of her children . There were comfortable overstuffed chairs on either side of it , and she and Bill liked to sit by the fire and read at night , or on weekends . They spent most of their weekends in the city now , and had for the past year . They had sold the house in Connecticut the summer before . With the children gone , and Bill traveling constantly , they never went there . " My life seems to be on a shrink cycle these days , " Mary Stuart had said jokingly to a friend , " with the kids gone , and Bill away , we seem to be paring everything down . Even our apartment is beginning to seem too big for us . " But she would never have had the heart to sell it . The children had grown up there . As she walked into the bedroom , and set down her handbag , her eyes went unwittingly toward the mantel . It was still reassuring to see them there , the children when they were four and five and ten and fifteen … the dog they had had when they were small , a big friendly chocolate Lab named Mousse . As always , she found herself drawn to them , and stood staring at their pictures . It was so easy to look at them , to just stand there and remember . It was like being drawn into another time , and she so often wished she could go back to that earlier time , when all their problems had been simple . Todd 's blond , cheery little face looked out at her from when he was a little boy and she could hear him calling her name again … or see him chasing the dog … or falling into the swimming pool when he was three and she dived in after him with all her clothes on . She had saved him then . She had always been there for him , and for Alyssa . There was a photograph of all of them three Christmases before , laughing , their arms around each other , horsing around while an exasperated photographer had begged them to be serious for a moment so he could take their picture . Todd had insisted on singing outrageous songs to them , while Alyssa laughed hysterically , and even she and Bill couldn 't stop laughing . It had felt good to be so silly . It always felt good to be with them . It made the sound of Alyssa 's voice on the machine that night even more poignant . And then , as she always did , Mary Stuart turned away from the photographs , the little faces that both caressed and tormented her , that tore at her heart and soothed it . There was a catch in her throat as she went to her bathroom and washed her face , and then looked sternly at herself in the mirror . " Stop that ! " She nodded in answer . She knew better than to let herself do that . Self - indulgence was a luxury she could no longer afford . All she could do now was move forward . But she had moved to an unfamiliar land with a landscape she didn 't like . It was bleak and unpopulated , and at times unbearably lonely . At times , she felt as though she had come there by herself , except that she knew Bill was there too , lost in the desert somewhere , in his own private hell . She had been searching for him there for over a year , but as yet she hadn 't found him . She thought about making herself dinner then , but decided she wasn 't hungry , and after taking off her suit , and changing into a pink T - shirt and jeans , she went back to the den , sat down at the desk , and looked over some papers . It was still light outside at seven o ' clock , and she decided to call Bill and tell him she 'd gotten his message on the machine . They had very little to say to each other these days , except about his work , or her meetings , but she called him anyway . It was better than letting go completely . No matter how lost they had been for the past year , Mary Stuart was not ready to let go yet . And she knew she probably never would be . Giving up wasn 't something that fit into her scheme of things , it wasn 't something she believed in . They owed each other more than that after all these years . When times got rough , you did not abandon the ship . In Mary Stuart 's life , you went down with it if you had to . She dialed his number and heard it ring , and then finally a secretary answered . No , Mr . Walker wasn 't available . He was still in meetings . She would tell him Mrs . Walker had called him . " Thank you , " Mary Stuart said softly , and hung up , swiveling slowly in the chair to look out at the park again . If she let herself , she would see couples strolling there in the warm June air at sunset , but she didn 't want to . She had nothing to say to them now , nothing to learn from them . All they brought her now was pain , and the memories of what she and Bill once shared . Perhaps they would again . Perhaps … she let herself think the word , but not the inevitable conclusion if they didn 't . That was unthinkable , and prodding herself again , she went back to her papers . She worked for another hour , as the sun went down , making committee lists , and suggestions for the group she 'd met with that afternoon , and when she glanced outside again , it was almost dark , and the velvet night seemed to engulf her . It was so quiet in the apartment , so empty in a way that it almost made her want to call out , or reach for someone . But there was no one there . She closed her eyes and lay her head back against the chair , and then as though Providence had been listening to her , and still gave a damn , although she doubted that , the phone rang . " Mary Stuart ? " The voice was a soft drawl , and it made her smile at once just to hear her . It was a voice she had known for twenty - six years now . She hadn 't heard from her for months , but somehow she was always there when she needed her , as though she knew . They shared the powerful bond of ancient friendship . " Is that you ? You sounded like Alyssa for a minute . " The voice on the other end was feminine , deeply sensual , and still had faint whispers of Texas in it . " No , it 's me . She 's still in Paris . " Mary Stuart sighed as she felt a strong hand reach out and pull her back to shore . It was amazing how she was always there at odd moments . She often did that . They were there for each other , and always had been . And as she thought about it , Mary Stuart remembered what she had seen at Gristede 's . " Are you okay ? I was reading about you this afternoon . " Mary Stuart frowned , thinking about the headline . " Pretty , isn 't it ? It 's particularly nice , since my current trainer is a woman . I fired the guy on the cover of the Enquirer last year . He called today , threatening to sue me , because his wife is furious about the piece . He 's got a lot to learn about the tabloids . " Tanya herself had learned it all the hard way . " And to answer your question , yeah , I 'm okay . Sort of . " She had a soft purr that drove most men crazy , and Mary Stuart smiled when she heard her . It was like a breath of fresh air in a stifling room . She had felt that way about her the first day she met her . They had gone to college together twenty - six years before , in Berkeley . Those had been crazy days , and they 'd all been so young . There were four of them then . Mary Stuart , Tanya , Eleanor , and Zoe . They were suite mates in the dorm for the first two years , and then they 'd rented a house on Euclid . They 'd been inseparable for four years ; they had been like sisters . Ellie had died in their senior year , and after that things changed . After graduation they all grew up and moved on to their lives . Tanya had married right away , two days after graduation . She married her childhood sweetheart from her hometown in East Texas . They were married in the chapel , and it had lasted all of two years . Within a year of graduation , her meteoric career had taken off and blown her life to bits , and her marriage along with it . Bobby Joe managed to hang on for another year , but it was too much for him . He was way out of his element , and he knew it . It had been frightening enough for him to have a wife who was educated and talented , but a superstar was more than he could deal with . He tried , he wanted to be fair , but what he really wanted was for her to give it all up and stay in Texas with him . He didn 't want to leave home , didn 't want to give up his daddy 's business , they were contractors and they were doing well , and he knew what he could handle and what he couldn 't . And to his credit , tabloids , agents , concerts , shrieking fans , and multimillion dollar contracts were not what he wanted , and they were Tanya 's whole life . She loved Bobby Joe , but she wasn 't about to give up a career that was everything she 'd ever dreamed of . They got separated on their second anniversary , and were divorced by Christmas . It took him a long time to get over her , but he had since remarried and had six kids , and Tanya had seen him once or twice over the years . She said he was fat and bald and as nice as ever . She always said it a little wistfully , and Mary Stuart knew that Tanya was always aware of the price she had paid , the dues that life had collected from her in exchange for her wild success , her fantastic career . Twenty years after she 'd begun , she was still the number one female singer in the country . She and Mary Stuart had stayed good friends . Mary Stuart had married the summer after graduation too . But Zoe had gone on to medical school . She had always been the rebel in their midst , the one who burned for all the most revolutionary causes . The others used to tease her that she had come to Berkeley ten years too late , but it was she who always rallied them , who demanded that everything be fair and right , she who fought for the underdog in every situation … It was she who had found Ellie when she died , who had cried so desperately , and had had the guts to call Ellie 's aunt and uncle . It had been a terrible time for all of them . Ellie had been closest to Mary Stuart , and she had been a wonderful , gentle girl , full of idealistic ideas and dreams . Her parents had been killed in an accident junior year , and her three roommates had become family to her . Mary Stuart wondered at times if she would ever have been able to cope with the pressures of the outside world . She was so delicate as to be almost unreal , and unlike the others , with their life 's goals and their plans , she had been completely unrealistic , a total dreamer . She died three weeks before graduation . Tanya almost delayed her wedding over it , but they all agreed Ellie would have wanted it to go on and Tanya said that Bobby Joe would have killed her if she 'd postponed it . Mary Stuart had been Tanya 's maid of honor , and Zoe was her only bridesmaid . Tanya would have been in Mary Stuart 's wedding too , except that she was giving her first concert in Japan at the time . And Zoe hadn 't been able to leave school . Mary Stuart was married at her parents ' home in Greenwich . Mary Stuart had never liked Tanya 's new husband . Tanya said she wanted kids this time , they were going to buy a house in Santa Barbara , or Pasadena , and have a " real life . " She had the right idea , but this time her husband didn 't . He had two things on his mind , Tanya 's career , and her money . And he did everything he could to push the one in order to obtain the other . Professionally , Tanya always said , he did a lot of good things for her . He made changes she could never have made on her own , set up concerts around the world for her , got her record contracts that broke all records , and pushed her from superstar to legend . After that , she could ask for just about anything she wanted . In the five years they were married , she had three platinum records , and five gold ones , and won every Grammy and musical award she could lay her hands on . And in spite of the small fortune he took from her in the end , her future was assured , her mom was living in a five - million - dollar house in Houston , and she had bought her sister and brother - in - law an estate near Armstrong . She herself had one of the prettiest houses in Bel Air , and a ten - million - dollar beach house in Malibu she never went to . Her husband had wanted her to buy it . She had money and fame , but no kids . And after the divorce , she thought she needed a change , and started acting . She made two movies the first year , and won an Academy Award the second . At thirty - five , Tanya Thomas had anything and everything that most people thought she might have dreamed of . What she had never had was the life she would have shared with Bobby Joe , affection , love , and support , someone to be with her , and care about her , and children . And it was another six years before she married her third husband , Tony Goldman . He was a real estate developer in the Los Angeles area , and had gone out with half a dozen starlets . There was no doubt that he was impressed with Tanya 's career , but even Mary Stuart , always fiercely defensive on her friend 's behalf , had to admit that he was a decent guy and obviously cared deeply about her . What worried Tanya 's friends , and they were numerous by then , was whether or not Tony could keep his head in the heat of Tanya 's life , or would it all be too much for him , and he 'd go crazy . From all Mary Stuart had heard in the past three years , she had the impression that things had gone well , and she knew better than anyone , after being close to Tanya for the twenty years of her career , that what she read in the tabloids meant nothing . The big draw Tony had had for her , Mary Stuart knew , was that Tony was divorced and had three children . They had been nine , eleven , and fourteen the day of the wedding , and Tanya loved them dearly . The oldest and youngest were boys and were crazy about her , and the little girl was completely bowled over by her and couldn 't believe that Tanya Thomas was marrying her father . She bragged about it to everyone , and even started trying to look and dress like Tanya , which on an eleven - year - old was less than appropriate , and Tanya used to take her shopping and buy her things constantly to tone it down , but still make her feel pretty . She was great with the kids , and kept talking about having a baby . But having married Tony at forty - one , she was hesitant about getting pregnant . She was afraid she was too old , and Tony was not keen on having more children , so Tanya never pushed it . She had enough on her plate without negotiating with Tony about having a baby . She had two concert tours back - to - back in the first two years of their marriage , the tabloids were going crazy with her , and she had been battling a couple of lawsuits . It was hardly an atmosphere conducive to sanity , let alone conception . It was easier to just take on Tony 's kids , and she had , wholeheartedly . He even said that she was a better mother to them than his first wife . But Mary Stuart had noticed that in spite of Tony 's easy , friendly ways , Tanya always seemed to be handling everything herself , managers , lawyers , concert tours , death threats , facing all the agonies and worries alone , while Tony closed his own business deals , or went to Palm Springs to play golf with his buddies . He seemed less involved in her life than Mary Stuart had hoped he would be . She knew better than anyone how rough Tanya 's life was , how lonely , how hard she worked , how brutal the demands of the fans , how painful the betrayals . Oddly enough , Tanya rarely complained , and Mary Stuart always admired her for it . But it annoyed her when she saw Tony waving to the cameras as they Tanya had always worn her hair blond , and constant , careful cosmetic repair kept her looking sinfully young . She was claiming to be thirty - six now , and had successfully shed the additional eight years that she and Mary Stuart had in common . But no one would have suspected from looking at her that she was lying . " I don 't exactly love it myself when they claim I 'm having an affair , but the people they talk about are usually so ridiculous , it doesn 't bother me most of the time … except for Tony . " And the kids . It was embarrassing for all of them , but there was nothing she could do to stop it . " I think they just run off a list of possibles on a computer somewhere , and throw you together with anyone they feel like . " Tanya shrugged , and put her feet up on the coffee table in front of her , as she narrowed her eyes and thought of Mary Stuart . She hadn 't talked to her in months . They were the two closest of the old group . Tanya knew that Mary Stuart no longer talked to Zoe , and hadn 't for years , and even she had all but lost track of Zoe . She called her every year or two , and they still exchanged Christmas cards , but Zoe 's life seemed so separate from theirs . She was an internist in San Francisco . She had never married , never had kids . She was completely devoted to her work , and gave every spare moment of her time to free clinics . It was the kind of work she had always believed in . Tanya hadn 't even seen her in the last five years , since the last concert she 'd done in San Francisco . " What about you ? " Tanya suddenly asked Mary Stuart pointedly . " How are you doing ? " There was an edge to her voice , a pointed end she used to probe into her old friend 's soul , but Mary Stuart saw her coming and silently dodged her . " I 'm fine . Doing all the same things , committee work , board meetings , volunteer work in Harlem . I just spent the whole day at the Metropolitan talking about a big fund - raising event they 're planning for September . " Her voice was even and controlled and cool , but Tanya knew her far better than that , and Mary Stuart knew it . She could fool a lot of people , even Bill at times , but never Tanya . " That 's not what I meant . " There was a long silence while neither woman was sure what to say , and Tanya waited for what Mary Stuart would answer . " How are you , Mary Stuart ? Really ? " Mary Stuart sighed , and looked out the window . It was dark now . And she was alone in the silent apartment . She had been alone for all intents and purposes for over a year . " I 'm okay . " Her voice trembled , but only slightly . It was better than when Tanya had seen her a year before , on a disastrous rainy day when Mary Stuart wished that her own life had ended . " I 'm getting used to it . " But so much had changed . So much more than she had expected . " That doesn 't sound so fine to me . " There was another long pause , but they were used to it , Tanya was thinking . " What about Alyssa ? " " She 's fine , I think . She loves Paris . I 'm meeting her there in a few weeks . We 're going to spend a month running around Europe . Bill has a big case in England , and he 's going to be over there for the summer , so I thought I 'd go over and see her . " She sounded happier as she spoke of it , and Tanya smiled . Alyssa Walker was one of Tanya 's favorite people . " No , I 'll be here . He 's really too busy to pay any attention to me during a case like that , and I have so much to do here . " So much to do here . She knew all the right things to say , all the cover - ups , the language of despair … We 'll have to get together sometime … no , things are fine … everything is just terrific … Bill is so incredibly busy with work right now … he 's on a trip … I have a meeting … have to see my board … have to go downtown … uptown … to Europe to see my daughter … The politics of hiding , the correct thing to say in order to buy solitude and silence , and a place to grieve in peace away from prying eyes and pity . A way of pushing people away without saying how bad it really was . " You 're not okay , Mary Stuart . " Tanya went after her with the single - mindedness she was known for . She would leave no stone unturned until she found the truth , the answer , the culprit . It was that determination for the pursuit of truth that she and Zoe had had in common . But Tanya had always been far subtler about it , and far kinder when she discovered whatever it was she wanted . " Why won 't you tell me the truth , Stu ? " " I am telling you the truth , Tan , " Mary Stuart insisted … Stu … Tan … Tannie … the names of so long ago … the promises … the hope … the beginning . It always felt so much like the end now , when everything winds down and you begin to lose it all , instead of find it . Mary Stuart hated that about her life now . " We 're fine , honest . " " You 're lying , but I 'm not sure I blame you . You 're entitled . " That was the difference between Zoe and Tanya . Zoe would never have let her lie , let her hide . She would have felt an obligation to expose her , to shine a bright light on her pain , thinking she could heal it . At least Tanya understood that she couldn 't . She had her own worries now . The tabloids weren 't right about the affair , but they weren 't far off the mark that she and Tony were having problems . Despite the fact that he had thought it was fun for a while , he was no longer enjoying the spotlight placed on them by the press , or the lies , the threats , the stalkers , the lawsuits , the people constantly trying to take advantage of her , and either embarrass or use her , whatever it cost them . It was utterly exhausting , and impossible to have any kind of decent private life . How could you even find the real woman amidst all the nonsense ? Lately , Tony had complained about it constantly , and she sympathized with him , but other than retire , which she didn 't want to do , and he didn 't expect it of her , there was really nothing she could do to change it . All they could do was get away from time to time , and that helped , but a trip to Hawaii , or even Africa , or the south of France , did nothing to solve the problems . It provided a brief , pleasurable escape , but no real solution . As insane as it sounded even to him , despite her phenomenal success , her vast fame , and millions of adoring fans , in fact the very life she led made her a victim . And little by little , Tony had come to hate it . For the moment , all she could do was promise him to keep as low a profile as she could . She hadn 't even gone to Texas to see her mother the week before , as planned , because she was afraid that if she left town , she 'd fuel the rumors . Lately , he said constantly that it was all getting to be too hard on him , and on his kids , and just the way he said it , made Tanya feel panicked . Particularly since she knew there was nothing she could do to change the situation . " I 'm coming to New York next week , that 's why I called , " Tanya explained . " I figured in your busy life I 'd better make a date with you , or you 'd be having dinner with the governor and hitting him up for money for one of your causes . " Over the years , Tanya had been incredibly generous with the groups Mary Stuart cared about most , and twice she had donated her time and given a performance , but not in a while . Lately , she was just too busy . She never seemed to have a moment for herself now . And her current agent and manager were tougher than the ones she 'd had before , who had cut her a little slack , but the new ones were pushing her to do more concerts . There were fortunes to be made , from albums made from the concerts , licensing deals for dolls and perfume and cutting new CD 's and tapes and Tanya was hotter than she ever had been . They wanted her to capitalize on it , but at the moment she was leaning more toward making another movie . " I 'm doing a TV show in New York , " she told Mary Stuart , " but actually I 'm talking to some agent about writing a book . I got a call from a publisher , and I don 't think I 'm interested , but I 'll listen to them . What 's left to say about me ? " There had already been four unauthorized biographies about her , all of them cruel , and mostly inaccurate , but she was generally good - natured about them . After the first one , which had come as a terrible blow , she had called Mary Stuart in the middle of the night in hysterics . They had been there for each other a lot over the years , and by now they both felt certain that they always would be . It was the kind of friendship you don 't reproduce in later life . It begins , it grows , you nurture it from sapling to oak tree . Later on , the roots don 't form the same way . Theirs had taken hold long since , and were there , buried in solid ground , for the duration . " I 'll pick you up on the way into town , and we can go to the hotel and talk . I 'll be in on Tuesday . " Tanya was flying in on the recording company 's plane , as she always did . It was just like hopping in a car for her , and the casual way she flew around always amused Mary Stuart . " I 'll call you from the plane . " " I 'll be here , " Mary Stuart said , feeling suddenly like a kid . There was something about the way Tanya swept her up and took her under her wing that made her feel young again , instead of a thousand years old . She grinned at the thought of seeing her again , it had been ages since the last time , she couldn 't even remember when , although Tanya could , distinctly . " I know . " She nodded as tears sprang to her eyes . It was kindness which Mary Stuart could no longer tolerate . The loneliness was so much easier to deal with . " I love you too , " she said , choking on her own words , and then , “… I 'm sorry … " She closed her eyes , fighting back the waves of her own emotions . " Don 't be , baby … it 's okay … I know … I know . " But the truth was she didn 't . No one knew . No one could possibly understand what she felt now . Not even her husband . " See you Tuesday . Just wear jeans . We 'll go have a hamburger , or order room service or something . See ya … " And then she was gone , and Mary Stuart was thinking of her , and the days in Berkeley , before they had all moved on to their lives , before life had gotten so full , and so hard , and they had all had their dues to pay . It had all been so easy then … at first . Until Ellie had died , just before graduation . That had been their entry into the real world , and as she thought of it , she glanced at a photograph on her night table , of the four of them in freshman year . They looked like children to her now , even younger than her own daughter . She saw Tanya with her long blond mane , looking sexy and sensational , and Zoe with long red pigtails , so earnest and intense , and Ellie so ethereal with a little halo of blond curls , and Mary Stuart herself , all eyes and legs and long dark hair , looking straight into the camera . It seemed a hundred years ago , and it was . She thought about them for a long time , and eventually she fell asleep on her bed , in her jeans and her pink T - shirt . And when Bill came in at eleven o ' clock , he found her there . He stood looking at her for a long time , and then turned off the light . He never spoke to her and never touched her , and she slept in her jeans all night . And when she woke the next morning , he had already gone back to the office . He had simply passed through her life once again , like the stranger he was now . Excerpted from The Ranch by Danielle Steel Copyright © 1998 by Danielle Steel . Excerpted by permission of Dell , a division of Random House , Inc . All rights reserved . No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher .
|
I was sitting there watching and it was like one of those AHA ! moments . I started wondering if my fiction writing ( which I 'd been doing since I was a pre - teen ) was my way of controlling things in my life . Or finding a way to have control in a world where I really had no control , especially when I first became sick … which is when I started intensely on my writing career and when I was first published . When I talked about this with T , it also made sense as to why I haven 't been able to write very much in the last few years . I 've worked so hard to release my idea of controlling everything , and so my default way of writing - and seeing my writing - is no longer the same . T said she could see exactly what I was dealing with , and she felt the discovery was a very interesting and insightful one . I 'm not sure how I will be able to write again , but T thinks I 'll find a way . I certainly don 't want to go backward in order to find my ability to write again , but as I am now , I feel like my solace in writing is gone . I used to be able to disappear into my books and create lives and worlds where everything was the way I wanted it to be . But now , where I see that control really is an illusion - even though I 'm still working on that in my own life - I 'm not sure how to create stories the way I used to . At the moment , I even feel like I 'm struggling to get my ideas across in this post . I feel jumbled and like the words I want are not here . It 's sad and disappointing right now . The thing that I always went to feels like it 's well and truly gone . I mean , I know I haven 't worked on any of my books in recent years , nor have I really started anything new of note , but I guess I thought it would still be there to save me . It sounds dramatic , but really my writing did save me when I got sick . There were days I never made it out of bed except to go to the bathroom , and yet those were the days where I wrote my books . Those were the most productive days of my writing career . Through pain and vertigo and fatigue … I wrote my books . I wrote deep into the night , hours and hours at a time , and slept through until noon . I would eat lunch and then go back to my writing . It kept me sane , it gave me a life to live when I couldn 't live my own life . My hands would cramp , my arms would ache ( I wrote my books in longhand ) , my neck would hurt … but I kept writing . That was the first time I ever wrote a full - length book , and it was the first time I persisted in finding a publisher for that book . I 'm still feeling lousy . There are days when I barely have the energy to do anything , including feed myself . I force myself to get up , do things , take care of the dogs and myself . In between , I rest . I get outside with the dogs for a 10 - 20 minute stroll every day around the yard as the weather allows so I am at least moving somewhat . I 've read a couple of books and I 'm trying to do some crocheting in small doses . But I feel lousy . My imbalance , the nausea , heartburn , fatigue , pain … it 's all still here . Sleeplessness , heat intolerance … I 'm hot and cold all the time . Sometimes I feel sweaty when there 's no sweat . Sometimes my hands and feet are sweaty and clammy . Today I have tingling in my fingers and face . And always the pain in various parts of my body . Both shoulders are bad , and for one of them I can 't lift my arm up above shoulder height . I 'm eating small amounts of food and feeling full , then feeling hungry again later . Rinse and repeat when I eat again … small amounts of food and feeling full , then hungry again . Our health insurance doesn 't kick in again until May 1st . Even so , the last time ( s ) I saw my doctor , she found nothing troubling . It could still be grief . I 'm sad a lot , but I 'm also exhausted a lot . Sometimes I 'm not sure if I 'm sad or tired . This stuff has all been going on since the beginning of February . It doesn 't seem as if it 's going away … it 's coming up on three months . I can 't imagine it 's just going to disappear anytime soon . As if I didn 't have enough to think about , the biggest issue looming is that Hub is flying to California soon for his sister 's wedding . He 's going to be gone for five days . And I 'm going to be alone , having to take care of myself and the dogs 24 / 7 for those days . I 'm going to be in this big stupid house all by myself , day and night , for five days . I 'm going to have to be up early to feed the dogs , and then I 'm going to have to be up and alert late to make sure they get out at night before bed . And then I 'm going to be alone overnight in the darkness . I haven 't been alone like this since before I first got sick over 17 years ago . The last time Hub traveled - maybe eight years ago - I stayed with my parents with the dog we had at that time so they could help me . But it 's different now . My mother is gone , and she 's the one who kept everything in line in their house . My heat intolerance is bad and Dad still keeps their house too hot for me , so I 'll feel horrible all day and not sleep at night . Butthead is difficult to keep track of , and I can 't trust my father or my brother to make sure she 's not eating things in the yard late at night or early in the morning . The friends I have who are local have their own lives , work , families , pets , I can 't ask them to come help me . I considered hiring someone , but having a stranger in the house while I 'm here alone is frightening to me . I 've considered staying up all night and sleeping all day , but the dogs go out multiple times during the day so I 'd have to be awake and dressed to do that repeatedly during daylight hours . That means no sleep at night and basically no sleep during the day . I could try to sleep at night but being alone in the house overnight is scary for me and I 'm not sure I 'll sleep . Not sleeping will , of course , make everything worse . This all makes me feel like an invalid . But I 'm honestly afraid to be alone 24 / 7 for five days . I don 't know how I 'll deal with pain and anxiety and exhaustion without any support or reprieve from taking care of the dogs and myself . There are moments when I think I will be able to handle it , and then there are moments when I am positive I won 't be able to handle it . The truth will probably live somewhere in between , in the end . I have avoided thinking about this since February , when Hub bought his tickets , but it 's coming too soon for me to keep pushing it aside . I 'm feeling so shitty , I can 't even . Period . I spend much of my days fighting the nausea and the fatigue … I 'm exhausted before I get going . And now … and now , my imbalance is back in a big way . I 'm struggling to walk without falling over , and I 'm back to touching walls and handrails and tables and whatever in order to keep myself stable . This is a huge slide backward for me , as I haven 't had this kind of imbalance in quite some time . I went back to the doctor AGAIN because I 'm still exhausted and I 'm still nauseated . She told me I was acting better this time versus the last visit , but she 's still thinking I have a virus that I need to just " wait out " . She sent me for more blood work ( ANA , rheumatoid arthritis , lyme , iron , b12 ) , but everything came back normal . My b12 is a tad on the low side for my history but still in the normal range . I 've ordered my b12 sublingual pills and will start them ASAP . Maybe it 's that , maybe it 's stress and grief , maybe it 's something else . I have no idea and apparently neither does my doctor . She said to drink more water and walk outside for 20 - 30 minutes a day . She says dehydration can cause nausea - and maybe it can - but my drinking habits haven 't altered much . Except now I feel like shit and so I don 't want to do anything , including drink . If I go walk outside my allergies will get worse and I 'll have more breathing trouble and more snot and more post - nasal drip and more nausea . The doctor didn 't care for that and told me to do it anyway , that being outside and walking will make me feel better and get rid of my fatigue . I 'm not eating much because I 'm so nauseated all the time . I rush through eating what I can before I feel like I can 't put anything else in my mouth at both lunch and dinner , then I leave my dishes in the sink and go back to the couch . I spend most of my days on the couch , barely even bothering to look at my computer . I try to stay upright , but I 'm so exhausted all the time that I end up stretched out and wishing that the day was just over . I don 't know why I wish for that because at this point tomorrow will be much of the same . I feel like I 'm sliding into this despair of thinking that I 'll never feel better . That it will always be like this . I am trying to push past the exhaustion and do stuff - I did three loads of laundry on Sunday - in the hopes that if I ignore what 's going on it will go away . But by the time I do anything , I feel this crushing fatigue again and I end up on the couch . Or in bed . Sleeping is a negatory . I try to sleep but it doesn 't work , and when I wake up in the morning I can hardly haul myself out of bed . I don 't feel rested or refreshed or like I even closed my eyes . I want to cry but I 'm too fucking tired to cry . I was supposed to go see my massage therapist on the 14th but our local snow canceled that appointment . I was also scheduled to go tomorrow morning , but I literally got an email at 9 : 30pm saying she 's sick and has to cancel . And for sure I 'm grateful because I do NOT want to get sick and it sounds like she has the flu , but I 'm so disappointed . For one thing , I was hoping some trigger point release would help with my imbalance and nausea ( hoping , though not confident ) … for another thing , getting onto her schedule is a bitch and even though I rushed I struggled to get back onto her calendar . It 'll be two weeks before I can get back in to see her , which might not be horrible because if she DOES have the flu I wouldn 't want to be back in her " hands " too soon . But it 's hard to miss appointment after appointment when I 'm feeling so poorly . Hub tried to send me a link to a list of massage therapists in the area , but none of them do trigger point AND it 's hard to just find a new massage therapist . It 's like a mental therapist … you have a relationship built up . It 's not so easy to walk into someone 's space and get naked and let them rub you for an hour . I see T on Friday , which is the day after the one year anniversary of my mother 's passing . Just happens to be how it worked out . Considering how things are going at the moment , it 's going to be a long , sobby appointment . I can 't stand this constant nausea . Every time I swallow I feel sick . Every time I move I 'm wobbly and off balance and that makes the nausea worse . If I didn 't have the dogs , I 'd be in bed all day . I gave thought to going back to bed after lunch today because Butthead had peed and pooped after HER lunch so I knew she 'd be okay for a while , but I didn 't want to give in . I 've been in that place where I didn 't get out of bed for weeks ( with my prilosec fever ) and that 's a bad road to head down . It only makes me weaker and makes me feel worse . Hub 's birthday dinner with his family is this coming weekend . I don 't know how I 'm going to go … by 3pm , I 'm so exhausted I can barely sit at our kitchen table for dinner , how am I going to get out and go to a restaurant and be " on " for his family ? For hours … We didn 't go out on his birthday because I couldn 't get up the energy . We didn 't go donate the dolls and bears I crocheted to the police station because I didn 't have the energy to leave the house . I don 't know what to do now . I don 't know what path to take . I don 't know how to do anything right now . I know that for real it has to do with my mental , emotional , and physical pain . All of those wrapped into one , split into pieces , kneaded into each other , and then rolled into a throbbing ball of oneness . I 'm so on edge that one small scrape and I 'm raw and bleeding profusely , figuratively . I cried on the way to the grocery store this morning . Not because I had to go to the grocery store , not because I was worried about being able to afford the trip to the grocery store , not because I was afraid I was going to have an anxiety attack in the grocery store … I cried because I couldn 't not cry . I 'm tired , I 'm not sleeping , I 'm worried about Hub and I 'm worried about Butthead . I 'm worried about myself , too . My grief is overwhelming every part of my life and I can 't seem to dig my way out of it . Hub is agonizing over a job offer - in part because it might mean less flexibility and he worries that he won 't be able to come home if I need him - that he received on Friday . I 'm worried for him because I don 't feel that the company was being up front with him … they kind of bait and switched the job position ( which they apparently did to the guy before him , someone Hub knows ) . I am concerned he won 't have any backup on his work , and I 'm worried because if this is how they treat potential employees , how do they treat current employees . But Hub is unhappy in his current job and looking for a way out . Our health insurance changed due to the buy - out , so he 's both unhappy with the new corporate owners and unhappy with their shitty health insurance . Unfortunately , the potentially new company has equally shitty health insurance … so that kind of cancels out the pro / con in that category . Now they 're not budging on a concession he asked about ( a minor concession on their part ! ) , so that might be the end of that . I only hope that his current corporate overlords don 't decide that he 's no longer needed before he finds something else . Butthead is randomly puking again . I mean , it 's good news that she 's not persistently puking like the last episode where we ended up rushing her to the vet hospital and coming home with anti - vomit pills … But this randomly throwing up ( twice in the last four days … one of which was this morning which was another reason why I was so upset ) is so frustrating . We don 't know if she 's sneaking and eating bad things outside or has gastritis and so her stomach hurts her or what … We 're at the point where we 're acclimating her to a basket muzzle that she 'll have to wear anytime she 's outside so she doesn 't eat crap off the ground and make herself sick . It 's hard and sad to make her wear a muzzle because she 's a good dog , not aggressive , shouldn 't have to wear it . I know it 's uncomfortable and bulky and just plain weird for her , but we don 't know what else to do with her . We can 't figure out what is wrong with her . And if it 's that she 's eating stuff outside that 's making her sick , there 's nothing else we can do other than the muzzle . For the past month or so we 've been out there with her every minute , following her and standing over her and making sure she 's not eating things . But with the snow and ice , and my physical capabilities being limited at this point … I couldn 't keep up with her and I think she might have eaten something that made her vomit last Thursday when I wasn 't standing over her . We just don 't know what to do with her … So I 'm worried that she 's going to vomit again like the last episode . Ugh . So far it 's been these two random episodes and today I spent time on and off modifying the basket muzzle to try to use a quick - snap collar to hold it on her head versus the old - fashioned buckle which is a pain in the ass to get on and off of her , especially with her floppy ears and long hair . Even though I 've been feeling ultra shitty and exhausted , we had to do a bunch of things this weekend . Most of which we accomplished . Unfortunately , one of the things was cleaning up the caulk in our master shower which seemed to be growing mold behind the caulk at the joints of the floor and wall . Hub is not flexible , so he had trouble sitting on the floor and scraping at the caulk , so I did 90 % of it . Which , of course , hurt my arms , shoulders , and hands more than they were already hurting . The end result , though , is that we need to call in a professional to look at our shower because this is the second time in a year that we 've ended up with this problem . Last time my brother helped me strip and re - caulk the shower , but now we 're in the same place again … There 's something wrong if there 's mold and mildew growing behind the caulk , especially since we bought mold - resistant caulk . This all means that we don 't have a shower in our bathroom and we have to haul ass to the shower on the opposite end of the house … past all the windows in the front of the house and over the foyer area of the house . It also means we have to haul all our paraphernalia into the other shower , which is smaller than our master shower . It 's not a huge deal , it 's just more stress . And more stress in having to find someone who knows what they are doing to come into the house to fix whatever is happening . The stupid sub - contractor that our builder hired to do our bathrooms did not know what they were doing . They screwed several things up in our master bathroom and ruined a lot of our shower floor tiles by having to go back and chip out all the wrong grout they put in . So we were left with grout over top of grout , and chipped tiles . And the slope of the floor is really bad , which causes water to pool in different spots in the shower and leaves our grout with water stains where the water sits . It 's shitty and depressing and frustrating . That 's all in addition to whatever this caulk situation is . I have my mammogram on Wednesday . We finally got our health insurance cards from Hub 's new corporate overlords . I opened the mail , found the card , and called for my appointment all within about ten minutes . The first they had was a week away ( now this Wednesday ) and I took the appointment . I am pretty paranoid about keeping up with my mammos , so I 'm glad that it 's only about ten days overdue from the day I had it last year . I was supposed to have a relaxing massage last week . I had it scheduled in between two trigger point appointments … I normally go to TP massage therapy once a month ( ish ) . So I scheduled the relaxing massage exactly two weeks after one TP appointment and two weeks before the next TP appoint . And then it snowed , and my relaxing massage appointment got canceled . And I really really wanted it . I mean , not enough to endanger my therapist or myself , but I 'm so disappointed . I knew this was going to be a difficult month ( technically , it 's been a difficult year so far ) , so I had planned for the relaxing massage - which I never get - and then plans went pfffft . Since my massage therapist only works two days a week , there were no openings for me to do a make - up massage . I don 't know when I 'll be able to fit it in again . I told T on Friday that I want this grief to have some kind of end date . But with every day , every month , it stays . It 's a solid burden that I carry with me every . This month is especially difficult as it 's the ( one year ) anniversary of Mom 's death . And with every calendar day I think of what I was doing on " this " day last year . How we had no idea what was coming . How we took her to an arboretum in the city trying to perk up her spirits … not knowing how soon it would get so bad . How it happened so fast . How I was late to Hub 's birthday dinner last year because I was with Mom and Dad helping them with something . How it was only days after his birthday that she was in the hospital and then hours later that she was gone . Grief has no end date . It plays by no rules . It doesn 't give a shit who you are or what you want . It lives and breathes and grows and growls and harps and hammers and changes and does whatever the hell it wants . And it sucks . Yesterday I went to see my massage therapist . It was a long appointment and the therapist worked hard on my trigger points . With all the pain I 've been in , she really had to do a lot of work on my upper body . Arms , upper chest , shoulders , neck , my entire back , my glutes . I came home feeling exhausted and so weary . I probably shouldn 't have driven home myself but I made it successfully . I had the air conditioning in the car full blast to keep me alert , but I think once I turned into my driveway my brain sort of gave up . I drove up the driveway but … when I turned my car toward the garage so I could make a K turn to park in my usual spot , I went just a little too far . And I hit the garage door . Again . I wasn 't going fast and I didn 't hit hard , but I pushed the already damaged door in just enough to break the bits on the inside that hold the panels to the rollers . I did this years ago ( like 3 years ? ) , but at that point I had backed into the garage door and the molding at the edge of the door . I broke my tail light and dented the garage door . The repair guys came out then and just repaired the stuff inside and said it 'd be okay . Well , it WAS okay until I hit it again yesterday . The guys came out today and said the door parts were damaged beyond repair and we 'd likely have to replace two of the panels . They are supposed to call tomorrow or Friday to let us know the cost . I don 't know what happened … and I can 't believe I hit the garage door a second time . I guess I 'm thankful that this time I didn 't damage my SUV and that Hub couldn 't have cared less that I hit the garage . He was more upset that I was so upset with myself . We can 't use the garage until we get the repairs done , which doesn 't really affect me because I don 't park in the garage but it means Hub can 't put his car in the garage . Again , he 's totally not upset about the damage , but I am . So I haven 't been sleeping much at all for the last six weeks or so because of all the pain I 've been in . I slept about an hour or two ( fitfully ) Monday overnight to Tuesday because Hub went to an overnight sleep study at our local hospital . Tuesday I had my massage therapy , and Tuesday night I was in extra pain from the trigger points she worked on . Today , Hub worked from home and I spent most of the day on the couch trying to find a comfortable position . I 'm not sure I 've tried to describe this before , but when my massage therapist works on trigger points , I am often left with a feeling of horrible bruising ( without any bruises ) and like I am resting on golf balls that are pressing right on the bruised points . All my body weight right on those bruised spots with hard golf balls pressing right into those spots . It 's painful . Even moving is painful . The best thing I can do is not move . Find a position that doesn 't put too much pressure on any of those spots ( and they are numerous and spread throughout my back , arms , shoulders , and butt ) and then don 't move . So I was stretched out on the couch while Hub was working nearby and everything is hurting … and I start crying . I 'm exhausted and in so much pain and I just feel overwhelmed . And I 'm sad . I miss my mother so much every single day . And I know now that March was the beginning of the end for my mother last year . And I 'm thinking of the things we were trying to do with Mom last March … and how fast it went in the end . The tears just came and I let them . I feel so sad . And lost . I can 't believe it 's been almost a year . I can 't believe how much time has passed without her . How life has gone on for so long without her . It hurts . Physically and emotionally and mentally I am just exhausted and sad . I got my eyes checked - for the first time in at least six years - only to find that my prescription has barely changed . In fact , the doctor wanted to roll back my prescription a smidge but I declined . I just picked up my new glasses about an hour ago and when I put them on , I felt weird . I think we ended up a tiny bit stronger , but the technician said it could also be the upgraded coating on the lenses that made me feel funky . I 'll have to ease into the new glasses , which is fine because I still have an old pair to use in the meantime . The new glasses have half - frames , so they should be lighter on my face . The second pair of " new " glasses I got are actually one of my old frames with new lenses . I would say it was cheaper to do it that way , but honestly by the time I picked the first set of new frames , I was so freaking tired of looking at frames that I just told her to put new lenses in my old frames . They were in fine condition and they were going to be my back - up pair anyway . Everyone I worked with at the optometrist kept repeating that I had single vision lenses ( instead of bi - focals ) and they all sounded surprised . Kind of annoying , but honestly the major reason I didn 't go back to get my eyes checked in the last six years is because at 39 years old , the optometrist told me at 40 I 'd be needing bi - focals ( because that 's " the age " ) and I didn 't want bi - focals so I didn 't go back . And here I am , six years later , still no bi - focals . So poo on all of you . Meanwhile , I also hate getting my eyes dilated , but this optometrist had some new - fangled technology that let them take pictures of my eyes and I was able to put off dilation again . Monday we took Le Moo for her annual " senior " check - up at the vet . We took Butthead , too , because we 'd noticed her front two bottom teeth were disappearing . The vet assured me that it wasn 't likely to be the case when we talked in email , but we brought her anyway to make sure . Le Moo is healthy and has lost about 10 % of her weight . She went from 94 pounds to 86 pounds , which we are doing on purpose because as she ages she seems to be more prone to limping after running or playing . She 's a big girl and we 've always had trouble getting her to lose weight , so we gave up and she pretty much maintained a steady weight for all the years we had her . Then we saw the limping issue and we started getting really strict and we 've noticed it paying off . We 'll keep up with it and try to keep her from injury . The vet looked at Butthead 's teeth and said they aren 't disappearing , the gum is growing up over them . Nothing to do unless it bothers her and so far she hasn 't complained . Unfortunately , the vet is 90 minutes away , so it kind of takes up several hours just going , doing the appointment , and coming home . So Hub 's MLK day off was pretty well used it by that . I 'm glad Le Moo is doing well … she 's somewhere around eight years old , which is getting up there in big dog years . And ya 'll know I worry . We 're going to have to get her back to the vet to get her teeth cleaned ( she 's got bad teeth , yo ) , so we 'll be making that trip again in the next month or so . Yay . So Tuesday was my six month check - up with the gyn onc surgeon . Because of Hub 's status with his company ( they got bought out and are in transition ) , I didn 't want him to have to take a day off to accompany me to an appointment that would likely last less than 15 minutes . So I sent him on his way to work and girded myself for the hour ride to the onc 's office . Under normal circumstances , I would have been nervous but okay to make the trip on my own . I made the appointment for after rush hour and I plotted my route to go on the mostly un - used toll road to avoid further traffic . But … it rained . I knew it was predicted to be " light showers " so I told Hub I 'd be fine on my own . When I got on the road it was lightly showering . Ten minutes in , before I even reached the toll road , it was pouring . And I was sweating bullets , hands clutched on the steering wheel , talking myself into being OK . I don 't like driving in the rain and I hate driving on wet roads . I have been in a full 360 degree skid behind the wheel before and it 's not fun , so I try to avoid driving in weather . In addition , the toll road is 60mph , and the highway that I was supposed to be getting on at the other end is 60mph , with lots of traffic . So when I rolled onto the toll road , I basically planted myself three or four car lengths behind a dump truck and kept speed as comfortably as I could . Halfway along the toll road , the dump truck changed lanes and sped off . WTF . But I stayed steady and with the few cars on the road flying around me , I made it along the toll road . At the other end , I decided to exit early onto a main road that cuts through the city that I knew would have lots of traffic lights and lots of cars , but also slower moving . And I splashed my way along for half an hour until I got to my destination . It was a good thing I left early , and I made it with ten minutes to spare at the doctor 's office . The doctor was " only " 45 minutes late ( we 've actually waited for 2 hours for prior appointments ! ) , he spent less than 10 minLuckily for the trip home it had stopped raining but the roads were all wet . Even so , I made my way along the major highway back to the toll road , and then meandered along the toll road toward my exit . Unfortunately again , the exit ramp I have to take from the toll road to the highway home is a HUGE flyover , which I don 't even like to drive on DRY pavement . Instead I took the exit for the opposite direction which is a normal exit and I turned around at the first traffic light . And I headed home on more regularly traveled roads , which meant I was more comfortable even though the streets were still wet . In March I will go for my mammogram . It 's still hard for me to go to these appointments and to know when I get home that I don 't have my mother to talk to about what happened . I thought it would get easier , but so far it hasn 't . Tomorrow I go for a " consultation " to get my hair did . The salon I selected ( different from the one I used last year … partly because the stylist never answered my queries and now because I find out this new salon has more " organic " hair dye ) wants me to come in to meet the stylist and to let the stylist see my hair and confirm what I want done . If all is well , I go in early on Saturday to get all the colors . ALL THE COLORS . When I was younger I used to box dye my hair all the time , mostly variations on reds because I didn 't like my plain brown hair . At some point I became too ill physically to dye my hair so I stopped . Then I did it a few more times when I was feeling better , but it was a pain in the ass and everything got all stained ( including ME ) and I didn 't really love the results , so I stopped again . One year I went and got my hair all chopped off and then I had the salon dye my hair but … well , I wasn 't really keen on how it looked and it seemed like the color washed out pretty quickly and I didn 't want to waste my money . Only last year did I decide to get something done again and I wanted it to be a little funky to make my mother smile . I got a combo of auburn and violet done , but Mom never noticed and the final look wasn 't as pronounced as I had hoped . Over the past year I haven 't bothered to do anything except let my hair grow out . But after my breast MRI and my colonoscopy and my eye exam , and now my onc follow - up , I knew I wanted to do something fun to celebrate the positive news I 've been getting . I 've been stalking Instagram ( which I don 't use ) for different pictures of what I wanted and I am vacillating between something oil - slick color looking and something more jewel - toned , but there 's definitely gonna be blues and purples and maybe some teal and pink . We 'll see what the stylist says tomorrow . If I can get a picture of before and after , I 'll come back and post them . I 've also gone past my birthday . My father asked me three or four times if I wanted to go out to dinner for my birthday ( he called around lunchtime ) but I kept saying no . I felt bad because I know he likes to go out to dinner and I am sure he felt it was what he could do for me , but I didn 't want to go out . I stood my ground and I thanked him , but said I wanted to chill at home . Hub acquiesced and didn 't do anything special for dinner , but we were together so that was fine . The weather outside was crappy and icy so I was just as happy to stay inside and just BE . My aunt - who doesn 't do so good with the whole grief support thing - called and kept me on the phone for 45 minutes talking about stuff . Two of my three brothers emailed me to wish me happy birthday , and my very old dear friend did the same . But no call from my mom , which was the hardest part . Just knowing the whole day that she wouldn 't be calling and we wouldn 't be talking . It sucked . And now it 's over for another year . Friday I will literally be in therapy while the inauguration is going on . Like I had planned it that way . The rest of the day I will be avoiding all manner of television and radio and social media . Bleh . I am still in a pretty good amount of physical pain . The nausea is still around but it feels like less often , so that 's good . Sleep is still sucky . The imbalance is so - so . My jaw pain is still bad , though . Headaches are not quite as bad . I broke down and saw my massage therapist last week so she could work on the TMJ pain , which worked pretty well for about a day . Next week I go back to her for my regular body - work session . One day I 'm going to schedule a woo - woo relaxing massage with her because she 's damn good at it ( I had one shortly after my mother died as a gift to myself ) and I really want it . I wish my insurance covered that shit because it is physically helpfully to me just like physical therapy was , but it 's not covered . And it 's pretty expensive for an appointment … not that I think it 's overpriced . My massage therapist is a boss and hella good at her job … and she works fucking hard to help me . I can 't even imagine how hard it is on HER body to do the work she does ! I have no idea if she 's in line with other massage therapists , but I know she earns every damn dollar during our appointments . I just realized how long this was . I 'm gonna end it now . I should have broken this up into separate posts , but in my head it all felt related . Thanks for sticking with me . My mother 's birthday was a few days before the holidays . As one of my brothers said to me , " I 'm sure it 's not creeping up on you , either … " And it wasn 't . T thinks that a lot of my pain and anxiety were around the colonoscopy without my mother being there , and because of my mother 's birthday , and because of the holidays without her . Yeah , I knew her birthday was coming . I knew it was going to be bad . I also knew I had somewhat of a plan for the day . Before Mom got sick , when she was still crocheting , she hooked up a bunch of preemie hats for our local hospital 's NICU . At the time , it wasn 't a lot of hats , so we kept saying we were holding off before taking them in . After Mom passed , I took all of the small amounts of yarn I had and crocheted more tiny hats . Then I put them all into a bag and left them in my library . Because I knew what I wanted to do . On Mom 's birthday , I woke up and got dressed . And I called my father to see how he was . He said he was just going to call me because he was going to the cemetery and he wanted to know if I wanted to go . I didn 't really , but I didn 't want him to go alone . So instead of answering him directly , I said if he would take me up to the hospital to drop off the preemie hats , I would go with him to the cemetery . He said okay , so we left about ten minutes later . At the hospital - where my father 's sister ( my aunt ) was admitted and stayed for several days , and where my mother went for her lymphedema wraps - I left Dad in the parking lot and I went inside . At the main desk , they checked me in and directed me to the NICU . As I made my way down the hall , I saw someone walk into the elevator , so I hurried to join her so I could save some time waiting for another elevator . Inside , the woman standing across from me smiled , then looked at the bag in my arms and her smile got wider . She asked me if I was bringing hats to the NICU . I said yes , and her eyes seemed to sparkle . She was heading for the NICU herself … she had twin girls who had been born before Thanksgiving - when they were due after Christmas . I said congratulations and I hoped they were doing well , which she said they were . And she told me , " They brought me to see the girls for the first time , and there they were in hand - knitted hats , and it just made my heart skip a beat . That someone out there did that for me and for them , complete strangers ! " Her smile was so big . When the elevator doors opened , I walked with her down the hall and into the NICU waiting area . I wished her luck and she disappeared behind a door that the nurse unlocked for her . I approached the nurse , who was behind a glass windowed reception area , and I put my bag of 40 hats on the counter in between us . And I announced that I was there to drop off crocheted hats for the babies . In all sizes , all colors , all different types of yarns . The nurse smiled and took the bag , then started going through the hats . She oohed and ahhed over some of them , and even rubbed a few on her cheek and said how soft they were . She told me how wonderful if it was to have them , and wanted to know " how many women are there in your group that made these ? " I laughed and said it was just my mom and me . The sweet woman said , " oh my goodness , please give your mom a hug for me ! " I basically nodded and smiled , gave a wave , and left the unit for the safety of the hallway . It was hard . I tried not to cry as I made my way back through the hospital and out to the car where my father was waiting . Fortunately , he was busy navigating the parking lot and trying to figure out the best way to get to the cemetery , so our conversation was pretty sparse . When we were done and I was home , I cried . I cried because those were the last hats I had from her . I cried because I missed her . I cried because I hated where I was in my life without her . When my mom was going through chemo , I made her a bunch of hats for her to wear after she lost her hair . Years ago , probably six or seven years , before I was crocheting , she was supposed to crochet me an open - weave sweater to wear over a tank top . She never got to it , for various reasons . I don 't even know what happened to the yarn we picked out . She crocheted me a shawl for my brother 's wedding , and added crocheted sleeves to an evening gown for my cousin 's black - tie wedding . So I really have nothing I can wear that she made for me . I wish I did . The last thing she crocheted was a lap blanket that she was expecting to donate , but a few days after she died , I took it . I wrapped it up in tissue paper and put it into a plastic bag that a set of sheets came in , and I put it away in my guest room . It 's in a drawer in my grandparents ' dresser . It 's ugly as sin color - wise , but I can 't bear to part with it . I also have a ruffled ball that was supposed to be for a baby that was a test - project . It 's on a shelf in my bookcase hidden behind some doors with the perfume that I took from her bathroom drawers a few months after she died . I honored my mom as best I could on her birthday . My birthday is coming up soon . Hub usually cooks me a special dinner and he 's been asking me what I want to eat . I kept putting him off , because I honestly do not want to celebrate my birthday . I finally told him I didn 't want anything special on my birthday because I didn 't want to have my birthday . I don 't even want it to be acknowledged , because it 's just another reminder to me that she isn 't here with me . Last year she was in brain radiation on my birthday … she was just getting over the symptoms of the brain mets . We were dealing with the lawyer trying to get my parents ' trusts all finalized and stuff . Last year , five days before my birthday , I had to call an ambulance at 11pm for Hub because he had an episode of paroxysmal supraventricular tachycardia ( PSVT ) where his heart rate was sustained up around 225 or 250bpm . They had to stop his heart twice with medication to get it reset . We went to his follow - up appointment with his cardiologist on my birthday . Right now , I 'm in pain . My arms and back and neck and shoulders hurt . I have headaches on an almost daily basis for multiple hours at a time . My hips hurt when I try to sleep . I still have nausea . I still have jaw pain . I still have anxiety over the jaw pain , though it 's not as persistent as it was in the past few weeks . I 'm not sleeping much and I 'm not crocheting because I hurt too much .
|
Yesterday when Sharon brought the kids home she stuck around and we finally celebrated Dave 's birthday with her . She wanted to take us all out to dinner but Dave wasn 't in the mood to go anywhere . So we ordered in pizza and she stopped at the store and picked up a cake for Dave . It was very nice to not have to make anything for dinner last night so I didn 't mind the pizza too much even though I had pizza on Saturday night too ( they were from different places ) . Of course Sharon made us order more than we would eat so we could have leftovers . It also meant us adults ate more pizza than we really needed to last night . We could not eat our pizza fast enough for the kids though because they were dying to eat the cake we had waiting for Dave . Once I was finally done eating my pizza I went into the kitchen to cut the cake but Emma came running in and stopped me . She insisted that we light some candles and sing to her daddy . She also insisted that we put 29 candles on Dave 's cake . I didn 't think I had that many candles in my drawer but I started counting them and low and behold I had more than 29 . Now you know lighting that many candles on a cake for Dave meant there was going to be photographic proof so here it is , doesn 't he look thrilled ? ! This weekend the kids were with my MIL . As usually I met her Friday evening half way between here and her house . Dave had to close so I stopped and got myself some dinner on the way home and was just getting ready to start my grocery list when Dave called and said his Uncle Bobby and Steven were at a bar and wanted us to come out . I agreed to go out with them as long as it wasn 't going to be a late night because I had plans to go shopping with my mom Saturday . Looking back I should have asked what bar his uncles were at because it would have seriously changed my mind ! So Dave left work a little before 8 and came by to pick me up . A little side note to my story but when he pulled up he actually honked to have me come out instead of coming in the house for a few seconds . Anyway I went out and got in the car and we drove off . I assumed we were going to his Uncle Bobby 's favorite bar Gilley 's but Dave pulled into a parking lot that I didn 't recognize and the lot was full of motorcycles . I instally asked him where the hell we were and he said his Uncle Steven had started coming to this new bar so that 's where we were going . I did not have a good feeling about this but I said ok lets go . The instant I walked in the door I knew it was going to be a very long night . This bar was very much a hole in the wall type of place that was full of your stereotypical biker looking people . There were women there in tight jeans or leather pants , vest , and bandanna around there heads . I was still in the clothes I wore to work that day which consisted of a jeans , a chocolate brown tee with a teal cami underneath , a chocolate brown corduroy blazer , and my brown croc mary janes heals . I swear it felt like the scenes in the movies when everyone in the bar turns to look at you when you walk in the door because you just don 't fit in . Dave and I made our way to the bar where his uncles were sitting and I sat down and stayed there as much as I possibly could because I was not about to walk around that bar . The only thing that helped me feel a liPosted by Every morning I take my bags and the kids bags out to the car before I get them up to leave . We do not have a driveway so I park on the street but our front yard is small and there is a side walk that leads from the porch to the street so it 's not that bad . If you look at my profile picture which is a picture of our house you can kind of see on the left side a pine tree . Well this pine tree is huge and it is the home to some very lovely blue birds . I don 't know if any of you know much about blue birds but they are very mean , territorial birds . The are the absolute worst in the spring and I assume it 's because they have babies to protect . So this morning I am walking down the steps of my porch carrying my purse and tote bag , Emma 's book bag and overnight bag , and Ian 's book bag and overnight bag ( they are going to the MIL 's for the weekend and I leave straight from picking them up to meet her . ) . Out of the corner of my eye I see movement in the air to my right side ( from the pine tree ) and the next thing I know I have two blue birds making a bee line for my head . I scream and toss my hands up to cover my head which the birds are dive bombing . This causes the bags I was carrying to go flying across the yard . At the same time I also loose my balance and start stumbling backwards . I eventually fell and landed on my butt on one of the cement steps . By the time I was down I was laughing hysterically because I know that the site of me was just crazy and I was pretty sure the high school kids standing at their bus stop had seen all of this happen . I feel I should also mention that before I could get my hands to my head I felt the birds so close to it that it moved my hair . Once I stopped laughing at myself and stood back up I was able to see that yes the high schoolers had seen me and they were all laughing hysterically at me and I don 't blame them it had to of been a very funny site . So if you see any Blue Birds protect your heads ! This evening Dave and I registered Emma for the Kindergarten class of 2009 - 2010 . Last year at this time I did the same exact thing just so Emma could be tested for early entrance into Kindergarten . In Ohio state law requires that a child be 5 by either August 1st or September 31 of the school year they would start . If they are not but will be by December 31 of that year and a parent request it the school has to test the child for early entrance . Early entrance in Ohio means the child is gifted so if they are 4 they should be at or above the level of a 6 year old in the three areas of Social , Academic , and Developmental . A few weeks after filling out the crazy long enrollment packet Emma was tested and she passed the social and academic sections with flying colors but did not pass the developmental because she couldn 't tie shoes , dribble a basketball , or cut a circle out good enough . It was very frustrating for us last year at this time because even the school counselor could tell that Emma was more than ready to start school but according to state law she couldn 't . Well this year because she was 5 well before August 1st of the school year she will start she gets to go no matter what . In a mere 5 months my baby girl will start school and she couldn 't be more excited . It has killed her this year to watch all her friends from the babysitters go to school . At least twice a week if not more she has asked when she gets to go to school and she never likes the answer of in the fall . Now I just hope she continues to like school this much once she starts it . I guess I will find out very soon . Today is Dave 's 29th birthday ! The poor guy has to work and open to close on his birthday which has to really suck . Knowing this the kids and I celebrated with him yesterday . Dave 's all time favorite desert is brownies so we made a big batch of those for him and I made one of his two favorite meals . Salisbury Steak , mashed potatoes and gravy , and cheesy broccoli / cauliflower / carrots mix . It all turned out really good last night and Dave loved it ! Actually so did the kids because they each had seconds and that almost never happens . The kids also got Dave a present ( I did not because we just go out to dinner together which will happen next weekend when the MIL has the kids ) . The kids and I were discussing what to get Dave and Ian said we should get him a Cleveland Indians jersey like his . Now Dave actually has one even though it doesn 't look like Ian 's but I did think it would be a good idea to get him a new t - shirt since most of his are like 10 years old now . Since Emma picked the meal and which brownies we bought I let Ian pick which t - shirt . He choose a grey one with the words Cleveland Indian 's on the front and a big Chief Wahoo on the back . Dave loved it and wore it yesterday for the kids . I tried to get a picture but Dave didn 't want his picture taken and since it 's his birthday I decided to be nice , after all it was his day . So to my wonderful husband Happy Birthday ! My typical Friday night evening consists of picking the kids up and coming home to either make a frozen pizza or order one from somewhere for dinner . Then we usually watch a family type movie . After the movie the kids head to bed and I head off to the grocery store all by myself while Dave stays home . I have found that it 's much eaiser to shop without the kids and by 8 : 30 - 9 o ' clock at night the store is pretty empty and I don 't have to deal with the crazies . Last night started in the same way , I came home and fixed the frozen pizza and then the kids asked if they could watch The Suite Life of Zach and Cody . I really didn 't care so we watched about 4 episodes before Dave got home . Once he got home I started to make my menu and grocery list for this coming week . While I was doing that Emma started asking if she could come with me . She was so cute about it and Ian didn 't care becasue he wanted to stay home and watch tv with Daddy . So for the first time in a very long time I decided to take Emma to the grocery store with me . While I was driving there I started to think about how I used to take Emma with me when Ian was a baby and Ian would stay home with Dave . I was telling Emma all about that time we used to spend together and of course in her typical fashion she had a million questions . This trip down memory lane also made me remember the time I accidently locked her in the car after shopping on afternoon . It was mid August and in Ohio that means high 90 's and 100 % humdity . I had loaded all the groceries in the car and then I tossed my keys and purse in the front seat while I buckeld her in the car seat . I shut her door and went to open mine but it wouldn 't open . Of course complete panic set in because she was locked in there but so was my cell phone . I didn 't want to go back into the store and leave her there alone and of course no one was around . Finally a female police office still in her uniform but on her way home was walking back to her car . I stopped her and explained what was going on and she radio 'd for aPosted by This week has had some very big ups and downs . At the beginning of the week Dave and I were starting the process of finding a home to buy and getting pre - approved for a mortgage . We were both very excited to finally be taking this step and we were both happy with the area we had chosen . Then out of nowhere Dave is told that he may or may not have a job and that the higher up were going to have to discus this . It 's a really long story and I wont bore you with the crazy details but it has nothing to do with Dave not doing his job and everything to do with the economy and car sales being down . We spent two days not knowing what was going on . Then finally this afternoon Dave was told that they had a place for him on the sales floor . We are so thankful that he has a job but after the way they have treated him he is out looking for something else . For now though we are good . Of course this scared us more than I can explain and we decided that we would put the house buying on hold for a couple of months , maybe longer , and see how things go . I think that this scare was a sign that it wasn 't our time yet . Things like this always make me think about how lucky I am to have him in my life and to have our children . All of this made me decided that maybe this week I should pick a picture from out wedding to share for Candid Carries Friday Foto Finish Fiesta and here is the one I choose . I always loved the pictures of the hands and had to have one from Dave and I 's wedding . I had my nails done specifically for this picture . For some reason I thought that the little rhinestones on all my nails would look really good in this picture and they do . I love this picture so much that it is framed and sits on my nightstand for me to look at every night before I go to bed . This picture is also the only thing we have left of Dave 's original wedding band , but that 's a story of it 's own . Now it 's your turn to go and share a picture with us . I am starting to think that Emma is spending to much time with her father because she did something yesterday that only a boy would do . The story I am about is not something Dave would do but it is very much a guy thing . I was sitting on the couch after dinner waiting for Dave to change out of his work clothes so we could go to the park . Emma was playing right beside me on the floor when all of a sudden she reached her hand into her pants in the butt area . Before I could process what she was doing and tell her to quit digging in her butt she whipped her hand out and stuck one of those fingers up my nose . Of course since it had just been in her butt crack it smelled gross . I was completely shocked by this behavior and didn 't know what to say at first . Then I was mad because that is gross and a very mean thing to do to someone so I yelled at her and told her that she wouldn 't like someone to do that to her so why would she do it to someone else ? Then I made her go and wash her hands . I also decided to tell Dave who had a talk with her as well . I really have no idea where she learned this or what made her do it but I have noticed that lately she has been acting more like a little boy than a little girl except she still loves to wear her dresses . I am thinking it might be time for a little mother daughter girl time ! Last night my mom , the kids , and I met Dave up at Easton for dinner . My mom had called Thursday evening and asked if she could take us to dinner she would pay and we could pick the time and place . Of course I am not one to turn down that kind of proposal . Dave has been in the mood for a good burger lately so we decided on Red Robin since they have good burgers and are kid friendly . We met Dave there at 6 so they were busy but we got lucky and only had a 10 minute wait because we agreed to take a booth with Ian 's highchair on the end . We ordered the Onion ring tower for an appetizer and both the kids ate two onion rings a piece . Ian ordered the corn dog and broccoli and Emma got a cheeseburger and oranges . When the food arrived Ian decided that he didn 't want the broccoli anymore ( I tried to tell Dave he wouldn 't eat ) so we gave Ian some of our fries and Emma got the broccoli . Both the kids ended up eating every last bite of food they had . I 'm not sure that has ever happen when we 've gone out to eat before . They were also very well behaved which was surprising for me because they had done nothing but fight all afternoon . After dinner we came home and my mom went off to do her grocery shopping . I 'm pretty sure the kids have reached their limit for being inside at home and were itching to get out even at 8 o ' clock at night . Now normally 8 is bedtime for them but after all the food they had eaten they were wired and I knew there was no way they would go to sleep . So finally Dave and I decided we would all take a nice country drive . We drove about 15 - 20 minutes south to a very small little town , drove around that town , and then headed back . By the time we got home both the kids were sound asleep in there seats . Thankfully I was smart enough to have them put their pj 's on before we left the house so Dave and I took their coats and shoes off and then put them in bed . What was a rough morning and afternoon of playing referee for me turned out to be an very nice evening . Have any of you seen the new commercial for the SmartMop ? Dave was watching one of the shows he DVR 'd last night while I was grocery shopping and for some reason did fast forward thru one of the commercial breaks . It 's kind of a good thing because if he had he never would have seen the Smart Mop commercial and then he wouldn 't have been able to show it to me . Once I got home and had all the groceries put away he had me watch it . Now he didn 't explain to me what it was going to be about he just told me I had to watch . At first it was your typical infomercial type thing . The pop will pick up more spills than the regular mops and you don 't have to bend over to ring it out . Then he demonstrates how well the mop works by pouring an entire can of pop on the floor and mopping it up . This is where it gets interesting , instead of ringing it out in the bucket he rings it out into a glass while telling you that in this hard economic times you can ring it out into a glass and still drink it . I tried to find this commercial on the Internet somewhere but I couldn 't . I swear on my life that this is what the guy said . So my question is would anyone actually do that ? I know I wouldn 't . Also are times really that bad that we would sink to the level of drinking mopped up pop ? As promised I saved the pictures I took Sunday evening of the kids playing catch with Dave . These were my two favorites . Even though you can 't see Emma 's beautiful face I still love this picture . There 's just something about it ! I think Ian looks like a pro in this one with that baseball stance . Really I snapped the picture just has he was pulling back to throw the ball . Now you should head straight over to Candid Carries and share your own picture . Last year about this time Dave and I were at Target and saw some kids kites on sale for $ 3 . 00 a piece so we picked one up for Emma and Ian with the thought that we would take them out on the next nice spring day . Unfortunately Mother Nature did not want to cooperate when Dave and I had the free time . So the kites sat in Dave 's office for weeks and weeks and then got moved to behind the love seat in his office and you know the saying " out of site , out of mind " . Then fall came and winter and the kites got moved to the basement where they stayed until this evening . When I left work at 4 today I was completely surprised by how sunny and warm out it was . The forecast was calling for a high of 65 and rain but it was sunny most of the afternoon and reached a record high of 79 . It was very windy though which gave m the idea to finally get the kites out since Dave was only working until 5 . So I came home and made a quick dinner of Johnsenville Turkey Cheddar Brats ( they are so good you can 't tell they aren 't beef and they are half the calories ) and fries . Then it was off to the soccer park better known as Crusiser Park to fly the kites . I was kind of surprised that Emma didn 't like kite flying that much . She flew hers long enough for me to snap those pictures and that was about it . She more happy to run around in the open field and just watch which of course meant that I was the one flying her kite . I was also surprised at how well these cheap kites did in the crazy winds we had . Ian on the other hand absolutely loved flying the kites and had that cute grin on his face the entire time . He liked to run with the kite flying high behind him . He may be a little guy but he hung onto that kite really well ! After about 40 minutes with the kites we loaded them back into the car and headed for the park at the end of our street to play on the swings and slides for a little while and then on the way home we just had to go by the DQ for some ice cream ! What started for me as a lousy , gloomy day ended as a sunny , happy day and the kids werePosted by It is official , I have Spring Fever bad and I mean real bad . I was starting to get it a few weeks ago just based on being tired of the cold . After the 70 degree weekend I am done , it was completely gorgeous even with the clouds that came and went . It probably didn 't help that I had the weekend to myself . Friday morning Emma 's fever ( from the flu she had last week ) broke and she ate a ton for lunch and ran around the house like a mad women so I figured she was feeling better and could spend the weekend with her Grandma like previously planned . So I packed the kids up and went to meet the MIL . We stopped to get Dave on the way but he was stuck with a customer . I took the kids to the MIL and on the way back home I stopped back by Dave 's work and he was just finishing up with the customer . After I waited a few minutes we went and had dinner together at Las Margarita 's . It was such a nice night for Margaritas that we couldn 't pass them up . Saturday morning I had to ride into work with Dave because my car was still up there . Both Dave and I were amazed when we walked out the door and we didn 't need coats or even the sweatshirt I had on . When I got back home I decided that it would be a good day to start my new workout program since I will have my 10 year class reunion this summer . Of course I went back to the workout videos on Exercise TV OnDemand and found a new cardio video to try . It ended up to be a great workout and an even better way to start such a gorgeous day . After my workout I showered and got ready for the day . I decided I wanted to be outside and enjoying the nice weather so I pulled my car around back and cleaned and vacuumed it out . Then it was back inside to watch a few chic flics before I had to fix dinner . For dinner I fixed some pasta and garlic bread and then Dave and I sat down and watched another video . Sunday was another nice day temperature wise and we had the windows open all day . I did leave for about an hour to do the grocery shopping and the rest of the afternoon I sat in my recliner with the bPosted by It 's Friday and that means Candid Carries Friday Foto Finish Fiesta . I have been waiting for this day all week because I knew last Saturday what I was going to use for this . This week I actually have two pictures so I will get right to it . This is of Emma eating a cupcake from Uncle KJ 's birthday cupcake cake . For some strange reason my little brother has gone against the rest of the family and decided to be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan when the rest of us are Browns fans . Man just typing that makes me cringe ! Anyway because of his weird love of this team my mom had his cupcake cake done with white and black icing with yellow lettering . This is the effect of that black icing . Of course I couldn 't leave Ian out of this so here he is eating his cupcake . I don 't think there are words for this one . So now it 's your turn to join in all the fun . Work was absolutely horrible today . I was swamped before I even walked in and it stayed like that until I left . I spent my day doing two different things . The first was trying to figure out why a report I printed on Monday was now showing different figures today when nothing had been changed . The second was working on my monthly billing and trying to figure out why my percentage breakdowns on my billing report was not calculated correct . Now I don 't know if any of you work with numbers but when I am trying to figure out problems like these it 's very hard for me to get up and walk away from my desk for anything . Once I get going on a solution ( or what I think will be a solution ) I just can 't stop for fear I will forget where I was going . While I was working on my first issue this morning I started to notice this weird stabbing like pain in my right boob . The pain was not near any of the edges of my bra so I knew it couldn 't be the wire . Since I was in the middle of problem solving I just keep tugging on my bra straps to move my bra around thinking that maybe it was just laying weird . This went on for about 3 hours before I got a chance to get up and take a break . On my break I went to the bathroom to try and figure out what was causing this awful pain of mine . When I pulled my shirt out and looked down I realized that the back to my earring was inside my bra and my bra was pushing it into my skin . I didn 't even know the back to my earring had fallen off and I really couldn 't tell that there was actually something inside of my bra . I was also shocked that something so little could cause so much pain . I guess next time I will have to force myself to get up and check out my pains a little sooner . Let me start this post by saying that in no way am I being paid to endorse the following product . I would if they offered but they haven 't so . . . . Eight years ago next week Dave and I moved into our very first apartment . It was a cheap one bedroom economy apartment . We had a living room and kitchen on the bottom floor and a bathroom and bedroom upstairs . Of course Dave being the law enforcement junkie that he is wanted to make our apartment as safe as possible both day and night and that included using one of the oldest tricks in the book . Keep a light on in the living room over night to make it harder for criminals to sneak around unnoticed . After two weeks of keeping our living room lamp on over night we had gone through a four pack of cheap light bulbs . While at Walmart doing our weekly grocery shopping we were in the isle with all the light bulbs and we noticed these really weird looking bulbs . It was a new product that General Electrics had come out with . The package stated that these light bulbs would last longer , up to five years , and save money on electricity . Doing the math in our head we decided that spending the extra money and buying that bulb would be a heck of a lot cheaper than buying hundreds of the regular kind over a five year period . We went home that evening and placed this new light bulb in our living room lamp and it stayed there burning overnight every single night and a few hours each evening , even sometimes during the days when it 's been cold and dark out for the past 8 years . Yesterday evening around 6pm I turned the lamp on as the kids and I were leaving to go to Emma 's gymnastics class . It wasn 't dark out yet but I knew by the time we got home it would be and I didn 't want to walk into a dark house . It stayed on the entire evening and was on when Dave and I went to bed around 11pm . When I got up this morning the living room was pitch dark . At first I thought that maybe Dave got up and turned the light off in the middle of the night . I came into the living room and turned the switch but notPosted by Three years ago when we were getting ready to move into this house the owner was awesome enough to let us come in the week before and do some painting . I knew when we decided on this house that I wanted to let Emma pick her room decor and I was going to do a Ian 's room . Emma 's nursery was done in Raggedy Ann and Andy and Emma always seemed to love it but when we asked her if she wanted her new room to be the same she said no . She wanted a Princess room . I knew that doing a Disney Princess room ( which is what she wanted ) would get old to her in a few years so I decided to go with a very girly room with a few Princess items . I have always been a huge fan of quilts so I asked my mom if she would make Emma 's bedding . We went to JoAnn Fabrics and I picked out the fabrics I want and laid the pattern out for my mom and she sewed it for me . It only took her a month or so and it turned out great ! It took me a little bit of time to decided on what I wanted for Ian 's room . I had the normal choices of sports , or cars , or even the zoo animals but I wanted something a little bit different . I finally decided on a Cowboy themed nursery for him . His room was already painted a dark cream color so I took one of the walls and painted it red because I knew I was going to find a way incorporate the red bandanna fabric in his room . After Emma 's quilt was finished my mom and I went back to the store and I picked out the fabric for Ian 's . I decided that I wanted small squares of the red bandanna , khaki , and denim fabrics . It was at this point that things kind of stopped . For some reason my mom just couldn 't get into making Ian 's quilt . Once she finally finished the quilt I had to come up with a design for the stitching in it which took me alot longer but I finally found some really cute patterns that were cowboy hats , stars , and cowboy boots . Finally after three years of work my mom finally finished Ian 's quilt . She brought it over for Ian when the family was here for my brothers birthday on Saturday . Ian loved it instantly and I must say mPosted by I was busy yesterday claening and playing referee with my kids and wasn 't able to get on here to write this post so I 'm doing it today . Yesterday we celebrated my youngest brother KJ 's 13 birthday . Most years we celebrate his birthday on the 28th of February except for Leap Years because KJ 's real birthday is February 29th . That 's right by brother was born on leap day . When my mom was pregnant she joked that she would have KJ early and it would be on leap day but it really did happen . This year KJ 's birthday seems very strange to me for a few reason . The first one being that my baby brother is now a teenager . The second reason is that I was 13 when my mom got pregnant with him . It was the summer before my Freshman year . I remember one afternoon during the week my mom had taken it off work and Steph , Nick , her , and myself were all cleaning the family room when the phone rang . I answered it but the lady asked for mom . For some reason mom decided to take it down there and while her conversation sounded vague I hear the words after the first trimester . At 13 I was smart enough to know that was referring to pregnancy but I was very confused as to why my mom , a 36 year old single mother of 3 , would be talking about it . When my mom got off the phone I followed her upstairs and just asked what was going on . Apparently she wasn 't going to tell us kids until after the first trimester but since I asked she told me she was pregnant . For the next nine months I barely spoke to my mom because I was so angry that she was going to have a baby . I was embarrassed by her but really it doesn 't take much for a parent to embarrass you at that age . I remember waking up the day KJ was born and going upstairs to get my medicine . I was at home sick with strep throat . While I was taking my medicine I could hear my mom was up and on the phone with someone which was strange because it was barley 6 in the morning so I walked back to her room to see . it just so happen that she was on the phone with her doctor because her water had just broke . LatPosted by I am a mother , a wife , a daughter , and a sister . I do the best I can in each role I have all the while working a full time job . These are the stories that make up my life .
|
blog ( n . ) Short for Web log , a blog is a Web page that serves as a publicly accessible personal journal for an individual . Typically updated daily , blogs often reflect the personality of the author . ( v . ) To author a Web log . Other forms : Blogger ( a person who blogs ) . Well , we 're nearing time for our trip . It IS much easier to leave in the afternoon after I have had all morning and early afternoon to get my crap together ! I have the car all organized and packed ( and I weeded out some of the stuff Emma thought she needed to take ) . I hate traveling in a messy car . It just drives me nuts . I have Emma 's stuff contained in a basket in the extra seat in the middle and Gage 's in a basket in the back seat . Brie will get to ride on the floorboard between the front and middle rows of seats . She 's happy wherever we put her , as long as she is going with us ! I got my hair chopped off today . I was lucky to get in , as the gal who cuts my hair doesn 't typically work on Mondays , but due to the holiday she was at work today . I told her the only way it could be too short was that if she buzzed me bald . I certainly am close to that ! My Dad always says the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut is just a couple of days . That is so true . I think hair is completely overrated . It feels great even though the kids thought I looked funny when we left the salon . When we got in the car to return some library books and DVD 's Emma says , " Mom , you look like some stranger driving us around ! " HA HA ! I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday weekend . I may or may not get a chance to post to my blog while we 're in Iowa . We 'll see what happens ! Today was our annual outdoor church service at Hillside park . The kids love this service because the church rents the pool for an hour after we have a potluck dinner with catered chicken . The weather was absolutely perfect for the outdoor church service , however , it made swimming just a little chilly . Only Emma and Scott were put off by the chilly water . Since Scott stayed out of the water for a little while , he was able to get some pictures of the kids swimming . I 'm not sure what Emma 's doing here ? Maybe checking to see if she can see out of the water with her goggles on while she 's under the water ? Gage had a good time jumping off of the diving board . The kids were pretty sad that the waterslide has been removed . It apparently had lasted much longer than originally predicted , but was not longer safe . I heard someone say that they recycled some of the parts by selling them to ranchers as cattle shelters ? Gage tries doing a handstand . Emma could not bring herself to jump off the diving board . She noticed the 12 ft sign on the side of the pool and decided it was much too deep to jump into the deep end , because the YMCA is only 10 ft . I 'm pretty sure she never goes clear to the bottom , so I don 't see how it would matter , but she rationalized not jumping in her head and she had to crawl back to the safety of the concrete . She desperately wanted to do it because one of the ladies had the church camera and she wanted to have her picture in some church bulletin or something of her jumping off the board , but she just couldn 't do it this time ! My friend Amy stopped by to give us some hand - me - down clothes for Gage . I just love it when we get great hand - me - downs ! We had a nice visit and invited her to stay for supper since her family is in Kansas harvesting winter wheat . We had fresh shrimp from the shrimp man who was in Bismarck today and it was delicious ! After supper we had to hurry to the park for our church volleyball league . We again won all 3 matches . I 'm having troubles getting my serves over the net , and I assuredPosted by I stayed up last night putting a few finishing touches on Emma 's room so I could take some pictures to post the " big reveal " ! It 's a good thing I took the pictures last night , because we tore her room apart again to empty out the closet so we could paint it white . I don 't really understand why they painted the closet ? It was a fairly bright yellow which took a few coats to cover up . It did go with the wallpaper , but I think it 's smarter to paint a closet neutral in color so you never have to paint it again ! The closet in our bedroom was wallpapered along with the rest of the room , and I still have yet to get it painted . I started and it was such a pain , ( and I was doing it alone ) that I quit . Maybe getting Emma 's closet painted will motivate us to get ours finished ? I added a couple of more bugs to her wall with her EMMA hooks , along with all of her purses . ( As you can see , Emma has plenty of purses , so no need to ever buy another one ! ) : - ) Here 's the bumblebee I couldn 't wait to put near the head of Emma 's bed , so she 'll see it at night and hopefully desensitize her to bees . I wish there had been a woodtick sticker , because those seem to have her terrified more than bees right now ! The snail on top of the quilt rack is pretty cute , which was Emma 's idea . Here 's the dollhouse bed which is finally completed ! I am glad to be finished with purple , that 's for sure ! When I was putting some of her things back in her room to get them out of the basement , I discovered that her toy organizer fits perfectly under her bed ( without the top row of containers in place ) . Emma loved the idea of hanging her Webkinz out the window . " How much is that doggy in the window ? Arf , arf " Here 's a closer view of Emma 's play area . The white drawers contain all of her Littlest Pet shop toys and her dollhouse furniture . I do want to buy a tension rod to put up so we can hang some sort of curtain because she wants it to be a hideout as well . We filled that bookshelf right up ! The valances on the windows are just adorable . The little butterfliePosted by Do any of you know what that is ? I still get emails from one of the Quality Knowledge leaders from MedQuist , the transcription company that I worked for several months ago . I just haven 't taken the time to email her and have her remove me from her list . She usually sends out a " word for the day " , trying to teach everyone new terminology . I enjoy getting those emails . Today 's word for the day was agateophobia . It means " fear of insanity " . I didn 't even know what the word was , but I have it . I fear that I 'm going insane . Most days I think I am already there . We nearly slept our entire morning away . Emma came upstairs this morning to ask me if I could button her top she had on that buttons at the back of her neck . I said sure , then decided I better get up to see what time it was . My clock projects the time onto the ceiling , and when it 's light enough , I can no longer see the time . It was 10 o ' clock ! Emma asked me where Gage was , and I said , " I don 't know ? Probably still in bed ! " He was . He woke up soon after that . Typically if I sleep that long I don 't feel the best and often will wake up with a headache , but I apparently needed that sleep , as did Gage and Emma ! I worked some more on Emma 's room . I am finally done painting her bed . I think she 'll need to sleep in the guest room one more night just to make sure the paint is completely dry . The other morning when I woke her up I noticed there was some blue marks on the wall , so I moved the pillow and noticed she drew all over the wall in the guest room . I wasn 't very happy about that , but since it is wallpaper that I want removed anyway , I didn 't blow my top . I asked her why she did that and she replied , " I didn 't have any paper ! " UGH ! As I was trying to finish a few things up in her room , I repainted the roof and trim of her dollhouse bookshelf that her Grandpa Stephens built her . Gage and Emma had written all over the top of it with a yellow highlighter . My Mom says every kid does that at some point in their life . I think she 's right , although I don 't remember doing iPosted by Uff dah , is it ever warm here ! It has cooled off some this evening after a little rain and lightning . I don 't actually know how much rain we got , as we were sitting in the hotel pool with some friends while the kids swam , and I only knew it was raining because we could see the lightning through the sky lights in the ceiling , and then there were water puddles outside when we left . I 'm trying my hardest to keep from turning the air conditioner on . So far , we 've " beat the heat " , but I 'm not sure how much longer we can last ? Scott came home from work tonight and asked if I was ready to turn it on . If I have gone all day without air , I 'm not about to break down at 5pm when it 's almost time to start cooling off a bit ! We 've had the ceiling fans running in all of the bedrooms and they have been reasonably comfortable , especially the kids ' rooms downstairs . Last year we had to turn the air conditioner on in May because Branta couldn 't tolerate any heat whatsoever , and once we turn it on , it 's hard to turn it off , which is why I 'm trying to hold out . I don 't know if I 've ever not ran the air conditioner before the 4th of July before ? ( Except of course when we lived in Bozeman where most people don 't even have air conditioners . ) We had some friends in town from Bozeman last night and today . Scott 's advisor and his wife and their 6 - year - old daughter , Sophie , were here to check up on the research projects that are going on . We met them at their hotel last night so the kids could swim . We didn 't get home until late and the kids were still swimming at 10 : 15 pm ! Needless to say , Gage and Emma were exhausted this morning , and Gage had to get up early for his last day of Camp Edventure . We ended up not spending as much time with them today as we had planned , due to unforseen circumstances , i . e . their rental car needed to go into the shop and then around noon Sophie had an accident in the hotel pool . When she was coming down the water slide , there was a kid walking up from the bottom and she ran into him and he caused her to fall baPosted by Gage brought home a binder today from Camp Edventure containing some worksheets they have done in class . One of the worksheets had a math puzzle on it , and when I was looking at it and the directions , I noticed Gage had it wrong . I asked him about it and he said his teacher couldn 't figure it out either . So , I gave it a try . I want YOU to give it a try and let me know how long it takes you to figure out . First of all you 'll have to follow these instructions to get the puzzle set up to even do it . ( It was already set up on the worksheet , but I can 't do it on here , so you 'll have to follow my directions ) First , you need to make a grid that is 5x3 . 5 squares horizontally across , and 3 squares down the side . ( So that 's 3 rows of 5 horizontal boxes ) Now , in the first horizontal row ( the top row ) put a plus sign ( + ) in the second box and a minus sign ( - ) in the fourth box , and at the end of the row ( not in the grid ) write the number 9 . Now , in the second row across , put a minus ( - ) sign in the first box , blacken out the second box , put a plus sign ( + ) in the third box , blacken out the fourth box and in the last box put a ( + ) sign . In the last ( or bottom ) horizontal row put a minus ( - ) in the second box and a plus ( + ) in the fourth box and at the end of the row ( not in the grid ) is the number 6 . Now , below the grid , under the first vertical row write the number 2 , under the third vertical row write a 7 and under the fifth ( or last ) vertical row , write the number 6 . You should now have a grid that has 6 empty boxes and here are the directions for the puzzle . Using each of the numbers 1 - 6 only once , fill in the blank squares so that each row and column will equal the number in the " answer " box . ( The numbers 9 , 6 , 2 , 7 and 6 , which aren 't inside the grid have a box around them on the worksheet , hence " answer box " ) Do the puzzle before you read the rest of my blog entry . How long did it take you to solve the problem ? Did you solve it ? What were your thoughts about it ? Did it seem a little tough for a 7 - year - old heading into the Posted by I woke up this morning with a bit of my headache still lingering , but I took a couple of Tylenol and went about my business and thankfully , I am migraine - free . Gage had camp again this morning . Thursday will be his last day of camp since they went for an extended day on Monday . I am so thankful that Dustin and Colton , my nephews , are coming back with us after the 4th of July holiday to be Gage and Emma 's built - in playmates ! I may never let them leave ! I worked some more in Emma 's room today . I think we are nearing the finish line . Last night Scott was asking me if I was going to paint any white on the bed and I told him no . He replies , " That 's a lot of purple ! " Yes , it IS a lot of purple ! I feel like Harold and the Purple Crayon has made an appearance in Emma 's room . It 's more like , " Stacy and the Purple Paintbrush ! " I keep thinking I can stop painting , then decide I need to do more . Today I painted the underside purple and I 'm hoping I can finish up tomorrow by painting the back side of the front piece where it peaks , and on the insides of the side rails . I think that will make it look " finished " . Or at least I hope it does ! I decided that I should hang the baby quilt that my Grandma Larsen made in Emma 's room . Scott 's Dad built me a quilt hanger many years ago and I haven 't had it up on the wall since we moved here . I had to have Scott help me get the quilt into the hanger , and also to hang it on the wall . Awhile back we bought a laser level that shoots a beam across the wall to help you hang things level . We have had many arguments when it comes to hanging things on the walls because we usually end up with twice as many holes as were originally needed to hang whatever it was I wanted hung . I think we have used it when we were hanging Gage 's letter hooks on his wall and also when we hung Emma 's shelves on her walls ( however , there are about 3 extra holes in the wall with both of those hangings ) . Anyway , I told Scott to get the laser level out so we could use it to hang the quilt . I was surprised that he actually Posted by Unfortunately my headache turned into a migraine . Actually , it was probably a migraine to begin with and it just got worse ? I woke up with what I had gone to bed with last night and it was still about the same until 4pm when I took the kids to swimming lessons . On our way there I had so much pressure behind my left eye that it started watering like crazy . When they were done with their lessons I had to tell them to please not mess around and just get dressed , and after I had to tell them again to settle down , they straightened right up and we were able to get home safely . I had to lay down instead of trying to quickly fix something for supper because Gage had a baseball game tonight at 5 : 45 . Needless to say I wasn 't able to get anything ready . I did finally get Gage convinced to get his uniform on and be ready when Dad got home . His belt was the only thing he was lacking and I told Gage it was in his room , either in his underwear drawer , or hanging on his hooks . He said it wasn 't there . Scott went to look and he also said it wasn 't there and then started frantically running all over the house trying to find it and asking me where I would have put it . I told him I would have put it either in his underwear drawer or his hook . He sent the kids to the car and started getting frustrated , so I finally got up and went to Gage 's room and there it was , hanging on his " G " hook , just like I said . If it had been a snake , they both would have gotten bit . UGH ! What is it about males and their inability to actually " look " for something ? It 's like that all the time . If it doesn 't jump out and grab them , then it isn 't there . My headache is still lingering , but I am up and moving around . I didn 't go to the ballgame as I knew trying to keep those kids in order on the bench was NOT going to be the best thing for me to do with a splitting headache ! I slept the whole time they were gone and apparently my " fill in " had a hard time keeping the kids in line . I think it 's a good thing I didn 't go . I hope it 's better tomorrow . We slept in again today , but did get up in time to get ready and go to church . I don 't necessarily feel better when I sleep in , so I don 't know why I do it . I 've had a headache most of today , but nothing debilitating yet , and I pray it doesn 't get that way ! Right after we got home from church I started in again on Emma 's room . It 's coming right along . Our friends Juanita and Erin were out on a walk and stopped by to check it out . They thought it was looking pretty good . ( Thanks for stopping by guys ! ) I got the picket fence done , and the boards drawn and painted that connects the fence together . I think I am going to make myself a stencil with 4 holes punched in the shape of a square and stencil on screw heads to make it look a little more realistic . Scott got the 2nd blind up and the curtain rod and valance hung . The valances are so cute . I am not yet going to post pictures , because I want to get more completed before I give the big reveal . I painted the little hutch / cabinet that my Grandpa Larsen made . I 've got 2 coats of white paint on it and it may need a 3rd , unfortunately . I also got a coat of purple paint on the front , back and sides of the bed . I think the purple is going to go well the the accents on the valance and switchplate covers . I just can 't wait to get it finished ! I 'll be working hard on it this week to get as much done as I can . Gage has his last week of Camp Edventure this week and tomorrow and he actually goes from 8a - 4p tomorrow . I will have to pick him up a little early so we can get to swimming lessons on time . It will be hard to get a bunch done during the week with all the different activities we have going on , but I 'm going to do my best . We had a volleyball game tonight and won 2 out of 3 games . We had a slow start , but finally started doing better , but they were still close games . It was definitely time to go when we finished the 3rd game as Emma was starting throwing sand at Gage and he had it all over in his hair . I have always hated sand and it drives me crazy when the kids have it in Posted by I spent almost the whole day in Emma 's room , painting white picket fence boards that I stenciled onto her wall . I knew it was going to be something I would regret starting . It 's very cute ; however , I have 2 coats on one wall , and I 'm sorry to say they need a third coat . I have one coat on the other wall , which means 2 more coats are needed . I know what I 'll be doing all day tomorrow ! I 'm having a hard time being patient to do the finishing touches that should be done at the END of the project , like putting on the outlet covers , switchplate covers , etc . I also had to get one of her blinds back on the window tonight so we could put up the curtain rod with the new valance I got today at my second trip to Lowe 's . I 'm starting to like that store ! ! ( I 'm sure they 're starting to like me too ! ) We picked up the paint for Emma 's bed and hopefully we 'll get to the point tomorrow where we can start in on painting it . It 's going to be purple with pink trim . Her room is going to be adorable when it 's finished , and I 'm going to want to just sit in there and stare at the walls when it 's done . I 've never done a " magazine cover " room make - over before and will probably never get to do it again ! We had some friends , Amy and Johann , over for supper this evening . We had a nice time visiting . I secretly think that was Scott 's way of getting out of helping in Emma 's room ( even though he promised this morning that he would help me all day long ) , oh , and he also had some seminar thing he went to today that was kind of for work , but totally an on his own type of thing , which got him out of Emma 's room for a couple of more hours . When he called home to let me know he was on his way , he apparently heard a little frustration in my voice because when he came in , he set a Starbucks frappucino in front of me while I was plugging away at the picket fence . He saved his butt there ! I certainly couldn 't yell at him for that ! The kids played with the neighbor kids all day . They did very well until later in the afternoon when some kind of trouble startePosted by It was a much better day on the homefront . Gage was pretty much a zombie this morning when I woke him up around 7 : 15 for Camp Edventure . I could tell he was very tired , so I told him if he could just get dressed and tell me what he wanted for breakfast , I would let him sleep longer . I woke him up again about 7 : 40 in time for him to eat his oatmeal and brush his teeth . Then he sat with me on the couch for a few minutes before Scott took him to camp . The in - laws left after lunch . The kids were sad to see them go . We had lunch at McDonald 's and that typically helps to soften the blow . After leaving McD 's we went to Lowe 's which is just right up the street . I wanted to see if I could find a board that they use for picket fences to use as a stencil on Emma 's wall in her room . I was so excited when a gal helped me find them , and then I found several other things like switchplate covers and outlet covers , along with wall hangings and wall stickers that will go perfectly in Emma 's newly painted room . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . yes , you heard right , newly painted room ! Can you believe I finished getting all of the wallpaper off in her room today ? Man , I was never so happy . I have been wanting to get that wallpaper off those walls for almost 6 years now and never had the energy or courage to get started . I have just a bit more painting to do before the walls are completely finished . I wasn 't very smart at Lowe 's when I bought just one 2 - inch paint brush and no roller brush . I have painted everything I 've done so far with a 2 - inch brush , so needless to say , it 's taking me awhile . The color is Maitland blue . I remembered my friend Laura had a really nice blue color in her bathroom , so I got the color information from her and then she found that she had a 3 / 4 full can of it and said I could take that if I wanted . So , I was able to get some painting done and it looks SO NICE ! I can 't wait to get started on the picket fence . ( I may be regretting that idea after I 've painted a couple of them ! ) They 're just going to be along the bottom of her Posted by I was just going to go to bed and not post anything , but I decided I better , because I don 't want anyone worrying about me and wondering if something is wrong , since I 'm pretty faithful at posting each day . We had a terrible ending to our night . Gage had a major meltdown AGAIN ! I don 't know what to do about them . If anyone has any suggestions , I 'd be happy to hear them . He was behaving badly , or mostly just talking rudely to me yesterday and I warned him that he was not going to get to go see Kung Fu Panda . I already know the answer to my problem as I sit here and type . I should NOT HAVE LET HIM GO SEE KUNG FU PANDA . I let him go though , because Grandpa and Grandma wanted to take the kids to the movie . I told Gage , when he asked if he behaved well enough to get to go , that no , he did not , but I was going to let him go anyway . The kids went to see the movie , then they stopped at home to ask if it was okay for them to go to Target . I said it was okay . Gage and Emma came back with a toy , which is the reason they went . We went out to eat supper , then when we got home Scott told me he needed to run to Sam 's Club to get some things and asked if I wanted to go . I thought , " Well , sure , I guess I can go and let the kids stay home and be with Grandma and Grandpa . " I should have just stayed home . I didn 't realize the kids would still be up at 9 when we got home , and not even in their pajamas . ( I 'm not exactly sure what time we got home , it could have been a little later ) . That was our fault though because we didn 't ask them to get the kids ready for bed or put them to bed for that matter . To make a long story short , Gage lost control of his temper when I told him it was too late to read stories when I was putting him to bed and said and did things that he feels totally awful about now and he got a couple of spankings out of the deal . And , while all of this was going on , Emma decided to stand up in her bed and stick her head into the ceiling fan . She 's going to have a pretty nice bruise on her forehead tomorrow . I said to EmmPosted by We had some severe weather warnings here this evening . They blew the tornado whistle here in Bismarck a few different times as there was a funnel cloud spotted near the Bismarck - Mandan area . I don 't get too worked up with severe weather . In fact , I kind of enjoy it . I guess I have never had a big event that I can remember to cause me to freak out . At one point Scott told the kids about 2 - 3 different times that if he said it was time to go to the basement , then they needed to drop what they were doing and go , no questions asked . Well , after about the 2nd or 3rd time of telling them this , Emma started to get a little concerned . I told Scott to knock it off because he was scaring her . Emma took her blanket , a pillow , webkinz and I 'm not sure what all else ( she shouldn 't have needed to take too much because most of her stuff is already in the basement ) to the basement and just sat down there and played for awhile . I think she figured she was going to be prepared and just be down there already if Scott said the word ! Scott has a tendency to get a little freaked out , although he held it together this evening , when we have severe weather . I think it 's hereditary . Anyway , not too much happened . We got a little rain out of the whole thing and that 's about it for us . We did move things around in the garage so Scott could get his truck in the garage in case it hailed , as they were reporting tennis ball - sized hail at one point with 70 mph winds . Thankfully we didn 't get any of that . Not too much exciting happened today . I worked some more on getting wallpaper removed in Emma 's room . I 'm working pretty slow at it , but I shouldn 't have to go back over it at all when I 'm done , I should just be able to go straight to town painting . I think we 've decided on a theme for Emma 's room . With her dollhouse bed , I thought it would be cute to paint some sort of outdoor theme on the walls . So I think we 're going to do a powder blue base paint on the walls , and then I 'm going to stencil a white picket fence around the lower part of the roomPosted by Today Emma got to attend the Daisy Scout Day Camp that was postponed from last week due to the rain . The girls had a MUCH better time on this beautiful day than they could have had last week when it was cold and rainy ! Her best buddy Jadyn attended camp with her and they had a great time , despite being separated into different groups . While the girls attended camp , Kara , Kya , Gage and I went to the zoo since we had 4 hours to kill ! ( Check out Kara 's blog with pictures from the day camp and zoo by clicking on her link ) What cute little girls Emma and Jadyn are ! Emma , Jadyn , Kya and Gage posing for a picture . Gage wasn 't too thrilled about the thought of attending a Girl Scout camp ! Emma learning the Girl Scout promise ! One of the things they got to do was make their own snacks of s ' mores . They fired up this grill that is in the park and had the coals hot and then placed the aluminum foil over the top . When they were placing the s ' mores on the foil , I thought to myself , " Hmmm , that 's an interesting way to makes s ' mores ! I would have never thought of doing it like that ! ? " So , now you can see they are having a bit of difficulty getting the graham cracker to lay on top of this round marshmallow . " Hmmm . . . . . . . . . . . . maybe we should have done this differently ? " As you can see , this made quite a big mess . The chocolate melted before the marshmallows did . Even though it looks messy , the s ' mores look more appealing than the rolls ! : - ) ( Sorry , I couldn 't resist , especially since I was the one with the camera ! ) Emma 's mouth is already watering and she can 't wait to bite into this delicious looking treat ! Mmmm , Mmmmm good ! Emma 's favorite part of any activity is snack time ! When we came back from the zoo and saw that the girls were making s ' mores , Gage decided that maybe joining the Daisies for a little while wasn 't such a bad idea ! He did get Loretta to feel sorry for him enough that she let him make his own s ' more . After she walked away , I was standing there helping Gage with his snack and a little bit of wind caught ahold of tHere 's a great video that catches Loretta 's energy . I 've never seen anyone quite like her , and I really enjoyed her performances ! : - ) I wish I had just a little bit of that spunk in me ! The girls earned their first patch to put on their uniform smocks by attending day camp . Emma was very proud of her patch because she has been seeing Gage earning different patches through Cub Scouts . We lost it before we got home and searched ALL OVER the van for it . Emma kept telling me it fell on the floor and I picked it up . I couldn 't remember keeping ahold of it and swore Emma had it . After she started having some serious tears over the lost patch , she found it in her shoe ! ? Go figure ! ? ( I knew I gave it back to her ! ) We had a great time at the zoo with Kara and Kya . Gage wanted to have his picture taken with Kya with the zoo sign . He really enjoys spending time with her , he just wishes she wasn 't so shy ! I couldn 't resist taking this picture of the otter at the zoo . Boy , if only I could have joined her after this long , fun day ! Today was a pretty good day . Gage went to Camp Edventure bright and early this morning at 8 and Emma slept in a little , so I had a little bit of ( much needed ) quiet time ! Soon after she woke up we tore into her room . I am afraid for her one day if her " hoarding " gets any worse ! Man , I found stuff that has been missing FOREVER , like her CD player and all of her CD 's . She had them stuffed into a little hutch that my grandpa made MANY years ago , along with tons of other stuff that has been missing . I found purses , within purses , within purses and the original purse would have stuff just crammed into it . We totally cleared out her room in preparation for her big surprise coming tomorrow ( not really a surprise because she knows about it ) ! Her Grandpa S . made her a new " dollhouse bed " because she was upset about Gage having a new " fun " bed and she didn 't . We 're anxious to see it , and praying it will fit in her room ! I still have all of her books which are stacked on the floor to take out , along with her dresser and bed . Other than those things , it 's pretty much empty . AND once again , the basement is overloaded with STUFF ! It was funny today when we were riding our bikes home from swimming lessons at the YMCA . As we were riding along the sidewalk , some older lady had her garage door opened and her car was parked in the driveway and as we rode by Emma says , " Wow ! Look at that messy garage ! " I about died when I rode by and saw the lady standing by her car . I hope she didn 't hear Emma say that ! Anyway , I hope Emma keeps that image stored in her memory bank so I can remind her what her house will look like one day if she doesn 't stop all of this hoarding - pack - rat - type behavior ! That lady had boxes stacked to the ceiling from the front to the back of the garage . There was just room enough for a car , and that 's about it ! That 's about what our basement looks like , AGAIN ! Hopefully when I get her room finished , we 'll be able to get it organized and the basement reorganized again . I want to get the rest of her wallpaper removed Posted by The kids were excited to get up this morning to give Scott his Father 's day presents . He is the proud owner of a new hammock pillow and hammock caddy to use with his hammock in Tuttle . Gage and Emma asked Scott what he wanted to do this morning and Gage was hoping he 'd pick going to the Kung Fu Panda movie . That wasn 't even on the list , and Gage was quite upset about that . He had a miserable time at church and the rest of the morning for that matter . Gage wanted to know why there isn 't a " Kid 's Day " . He doesn 't quite understand that EVERY DAY is kids day ! Scott decided he wanted to go to Tuttle and spend the day working on building Gage and Emma a tree house . Of course we had a big fit about going to Tuttle and by the time we were ready to go , everyone was in a tizzy AGAIN ! UGH ! I told Scott as we were leaving the house we were going to stop at Starbucks and I was going to get the biggest coffee they had . Well , that led us into another problem because Gage and Emma wanted something too . Scott made a deal with them and said that if they got drinks , then there would be NO MORE bad attitudes , or we would not go to Kung Fu Panda EVER , or get it on DVD when it comes out . Well , that worked until we got to Tuttle and they started fighting over who got to use the new hammock pillow . UGH ! It was quite a surprise to me when we pulled into Tuttle and there were 3 vehicles in the driveway . I looked at Scott and wondered what the heck was going on . Well , he apparently told some DU guy out of Minnesota that he could stay there and tour some donors around ( also from Minnesota ) the study sites near Tuttle . I was real pleased about being informed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ( yes , that is sarcasm ! ) Anyway , we pulled into the driveway and found a little black lab puppy in a kennel in the garage that was covered in diarrhea and it smelled TERRIBLE . Then when we went into the house , there were 2 dogs in kennels in the laundry room and it smelled horrible in there too . We went up into the kitchen and I 'm not kidding when I tell you thePosted by I can 't believe how CLEAN our windows are ! I can actually see through them ! Actually , it looks as if there aren 't even any windows there ! We 'll surely have birds flying into our windows a lot now ! There 's something to be said for letting something get so dirty , because when you do actually clean it , it 's definitely noticeable ! We started the project around 10 or so this morning and I think it was about 4 or maybe a little later when we finished . We have 15 stinking windows in this house ! ( I actually did not get the big picture window washed . That blind is hardly ever opened , so I don 't see how dirty that window is . I think I 'll tackle it tomorrow . We removed every window and had to then remove every screen to get every side of each of the pieces of glass cleaned . I think I have them figured out now , how to work them and remove them . However , I 'm hoping someday we can afford to put new windows into our house . I think it would probably be amazing at how much that would cut down our energy costs ! Man , we 'd almost have no energy bill at all , with all the light bulbs we 've changed and the new washer and dryer ! ! HA HA ! I think the power company would have to start paying US ! Wouldn 't that be nice ! ? The kids started out the day completely " bored " out of their minds . The neighbor kids were gone for awhile this morning . Once they returned home , things started to look up in Gage 's opinion . They also got to go to the Heritage Center with them this afternoon to hear the reading of the book " Dinomummy " being read by the author . We sent some money with Gage so he could buy the book and have it signed by the author Phillip Lars Manning . They had the big ribbon cutting ceremony this morning for the new Dinomummy exhibit ( I think that 's what it was for ) at the Heritage Center . You can read the synopsis of " Dinomummy : The Life , Death and Discovery of Dakota , a Dinosaur from Hell Creek " by clicking on the link above . It 's pretty interesting . It definitely helped me to get more of the window washing done , in a quicker fashion , with thPosted by Not near as much rain today , but quite windy and a bit chilly . Emma and I took a trip to the grocery store this morning while Gage was at Camp Edventure . Not too exciting , but something we desperately needed to do . Gage was sad after he got home from camp today and asked , " Mom is tomorrow a weekend day ? " I replied , " Yes Gage , tomorrow is Saturday . " To this Gage replies , " UGH ! I want to have another camp day ! " Obviously , he 's enjoying camp . They had some pirate fun today and a lot of them came out of the school with fabric wrapped around their heads like a pirate bandanna and also with tattoos , eye patches , etc . They also sculpted dragon - like creatures out of some sort of clay - like stuff . I am mad at myself for pulling Gage out of the second session of camp . When we had all of the kids ' activities written down on the summer calendar that Gage brought home from school , Scott flipped out because of how busy it looked and that there was no time for the kids to just do " nothing " . Well , if he stayed at home with the kids on a regular basis , he would know that having " nothing " planned for the day can be much worse than having 100 things going on at the same time ! They will not allow you to sign back up because there are waiting lists for kids to get into this FREE program . So , Mr . Scott better have something FUN planned for the latter part of July ! : - ) This year the camp is more " academic " than it has been in the past and they are focusing on reading and math ( which I believe is because as a school district , we tested lower in those areas ? ) which I didn 't know until after I had pulled Gage out of the second session of camp . If I had known that , I would have been less likely to be " pressured " into taking Gage out of the 2nd camp session . Oh well , I 'll know more ( or better ) next year ! Scott will be getting home tonight from his trip to Nebraska . I 'm hoping to get a few things done this weekend , like wash the outside windows on the front of the house . I have finally lived someplace long enough to have to worry about those kPosted by We had another day of rain ( we broke the record with rainfall in June ) , thankfully it started in the afternoon , because this morning Emma and I rode our bikes to the library for Preschool Storytime . She was excited about the adventure . I had a big bag of books hanging from my neck and shoulders to return to the library , so I was very glad when we finally made it there ! It went much smoother than I thought ! I was a little worried , but Emma did great . She was actually a little cocky when we got there , singing and dancing around because we rode all the way to the library ! It 's mostly downhill all the way to the library , but there was one hill that she had a little trouble getting up , but she 's been practicing standing up to get a little more weight behind her pedaling and with Mom 's encouragement " You can do it Emma . . . . . . pump those pedals . . . . . . . . . . . harder . . . . . . . . . . . . . harder . . . . . . . . . . . . you can do it . . . . . . . . . . . . . you 're almost there . . . . . . . . . . . . I know you can do it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . keep going . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . keep going . . . . . . . . . . . . . . you 're almost to the top . . . . . . . . . . . YOU MADE IT ! " She was very proud of herself . Then going down was much more fun . I told her , " Yeah Emma , that 's one good thing about a hill , if you have to go up , you know you 'll always have to come back down ! " ( She wasn 't thinking about our ride home ; however ! ) We left right after storytime , around 11 : 10a , because I wasn 't sure how long it was going to take us to get home and we had to be at school to get Gage at 12 : 00 . It took us much longer to get back home than it did to get there and I heard nothing but COMPLAINING the whole way home . " My legs are tired . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I can 't go anymore . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Can we stop and rest ? " At one point , when she was trying to get back on her bike after walking our bikes across a street , she fell on the sidewalk right onto her knees and then she started crying and I thought I was going to end up having to carry her , her bike , my bag that we reloaded with books AND walk my own bike ! Thank goodness we finally made it Posted by I 'm wondering if Gage is going to have a future in politics ? For the past several months , campaign signs have been popping up in yards all over town . Gage immediately became interested in the whole process , wondering why the signs were in the yards , what they were running for etc , etc . Several weeks ago he noticed a " Mark Zimmerman for Park Board " sign in our Cubmaster 's yard , who lives only a block and a half away , and commented on that . ( Gage idolizes our cubmaster ! ) We told Gage what we knew about Mark Zimmerman ; that he is big into Scouts and he is a very nice man . Gage instantly wanted to know how he could get a Mark Zimmerman sign in our yard . I told him he could get a sign if he donated money to Mark 's campaign . I 'm sure if he had had money at the time , he would have wanted to give it to him . Back in May , after we did the tree planting for Scouts , we had to stop by our cubmaster 's house for something and Gage asked him where he got his Mark Zimmerman sign . Scott ( the cubmaster ) said , " From Mark Zimmerman of course ! " Gage mentioned that he sure wished he had one , and Scott just happened to have an extra sign in his garage ( he already had two out in his yard ) and asked Gage if he wanted it . You should have seen the smile on Gage 's face ! We went home and our Scott was waiting on the front steps for us and Gage couldn 't get out of the car fast enough to show Dad his new " prize " ! He put it out in the yard with pride . A few weeks ago Gage told me he had a dream ( no , he 's not the next MLK ) and in his dream he had a Paul Govig sign ( running for school board I think ? ) and a Mark Zimmerman sign in his yard . I had to laugh at that . He 's been so enthralled by it all that he was starting to dream about it ! ! He has even asked friends of ours who they were planning to vote for for Park Board , and mentioned that Mark Zimmerman would be a great choice ! Yesterday morning my neighbor Dave gave me a call from work and asked if we still had our sign out in the yard , and I told him we did . Since yesterday was the actual electioPosted by There must be a song that has the lyrics " I had a bad day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " ? One of the boys on Gage 's baseball team kept singing " I had a bad day . . . . . . . " over and over and over AND OVER ! Unfortunately the words " I had a bad day " are stuck in my head . UGH ! Tonight Gage had his 3rd baseball game . Coach Scott left town today , so he missed tonight , and he will also miss Thursday night . One of the other assistant coaches that wasn 't planning on being in town , was in town , so it was great that he was there to help . I had another assistant coach there , and he 's great help , he just has to be told what to do . Another Dad helped out as well . So , that left me , to be the bench coach AGAIN ! I told the other Dad that was sitting in the dugout with me that I thought they were driving me to want to drink adult beverages tonight ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I completely lost control at one point and they were all rolling in the grass and being loud and obnoxious . The Dad who was coaching at 3rd base came into the dugout to help me get them back in control . I was thankful for that . The amazing part to me was that there were a string of parents sitting in their lawn chairs not far from where all the action was taking place and they didn 't do or say a thing . They just sat there . I 'm sure at least one of their sons were involved in the chaos and they just sat there , probably watching the other Dad and I try and restore order to the dugout . Hmmm . . . . . . . . . . . . I 'm not sure I get that , because I know that if I were on the sidelines , I would at least be riding hurt on my own child ! I 'm not sure how many more night I can do this without committing murder ? Of course , I again have no pictures because there isn 't even time to think about taking pictures . We may need to change the rules , and whoever is in charge of bringing snacks for the night , is also in charge of keeping the kids on the bench that aren 't batting or running the bases under control . Then , I will just sit there like a bump on a log and see how much fun they think it is ! ! ! Enough of that ! It was cold Posted by Sounds like a country music song , which was our theme song for tonight ! Gage had Camp Edventure bright and early this morning at 8 a . m . I woke him up at 7 : 00 in order to get him ready and he was feeling it ( as were Scott and I ) tonight ! UGH ! Scott , Gage and Emma went on a bicycle ride around the block after supper and I 'm not exactly sure what happened . . . . . . . . . . . I think Gage was leading and it was Emma 's turn , so Scott and Emma turned around and went the other way and it completely ticked Gage off . He came home screaming and Scott came home yelling ! That was enough for me ! I sent Gage to his room to get his pajamas on and to get his teeth brushed and he had such a bad attitude and was hollering and yelling at me as well . I gave him one warning that if he didn 't stop yelling and talking so rudely , I wasn 't going to read to him tonight . Well , that was certainly below the belt in Gage 's book . He started yelling at me , " OH YES YOU ARE READING TO ME ! " Sorry Gage , " But oh no I 'm not ! " We had a similar episode the other night , and I ended up reading to him anyway . Not reading to him is also punishment on me ! I decided that didn 't teach him any lessons and tonight I needed to stick by my guns . It was hard , oh so hard . Once he finally calmed down and then was begging and pleading for me to read to him , and to " please just give me one more chance , please " it hurt me as much as it hurt him , but I knew I couldn 't give in . I think if this happens again , and I tell him there will be no reading at bedtime , he will listen ( or at least I hope so ! ) It was so bad at one point that Emma came up and said , " Mom , can 't you just read to him ? " I told her she needed to get back to her room and get to sleep . Then I hear her at Gage 's doorway saying , " Gage , I will read to you if you want me to . " Boy did that sound sweet . However , Emma can 't read ! ! I sent Scott down to lay with him for awhile to get him to sleep , and after several minutes the arguing started up again . I guess if you want something done right , you gotta do it yourself . I endePosted by This afternoon was Emma 's spring dance recital . Her group was dressed up like kitties and they danced to the tune of " Polly Put The Kettle On " . She did a great job . I 'm making my second attempt at uploading the video . The first time it didn 't work , and I 'm afraid it 's because the video was too long . Scott took the video for me , and I failed to tell him it needed to be fairly short . Here 's Emma before makeup ! Emma getting her pink nose . ( It 's a good thing they had makeup there for the girls , because as I 've mentioned in the past , we don 't have a single container of makeup in this house ! ) Emma now getting her whiskers ! Meow ! What a cute kitty ! The side view showing Emma 's pretty purple tail ! What a cutie patootie ! Now we just have to wait until showtime ! Coloring was a great way to occupy the girls ' time while we waited for the show to begin ! After the show we hung around a few minutes and had some cookies and lemonade and then came home to relax a few hours before volleyball . Tonight we had our first church league volleyball game . ( Last week was rained out ) We kicked major BUTT ! We have some younger girls ( 3 of them are sisters ) on our team this year who are pretty darned good . I don 't know them very well , but I think I 've heard they are ( and were ) really good basketball players at BHS . We have done pretty well the past couple of years , but this year we will definitely be the team to beat ! These first games are preliminary games to determine the playing level of each team and to separate them accordingly . In the past we have been scrambling to have enough to play and tonight we had 3 men there along with 7 women . The only bad part about that is that you have to wait forever to rotate back in to play . The second game we unknowingly broke some rules , as we decided to rotate after each serve , which definitely helped the speed in which you got back into the game , but we didn 't realize you have to rotate men for men and women for women . Oops ! We were unaware of those rules , as it has never been a problem with having too many people before ! That 's a good problem to have ! Due to some of Gage 's baseball games falling on Sunday evenings , however , there will be times that we are unable to play ( next week will be one of those times , unfortunately ) . Gage and Emma had a good time as well . The younger girls were giving them some attention when they weren 't playing , and that 's always a bonus in their eyes ! After the game , Gage and Emma were showing us how they liked to swing on the branches of one of the willow trees in the park . I told them many times before we started playing not to do that because they were going to get hurt . Well , you know them , they have to learn the hard way . On one of Emma 's swings , her hands slid down the branch , taking off all of the leaves causing her to fall and she scraped her lower back pretty good on the sidewalk . She hopped right up anPosted by
|
With Christmas and New Year 's Eve and all the other winter holidays , people have lots of fun . Sometimes there are parties , presents , and special trees , lights , candles and food , lots of food . Here are a few ideas on how to make sure dogs ( and cats ) can be part of your celebrations , and not get hurt or sick . Poinsettias and holly can be a problem if a dog or cat takes a bite or a lick . That can make us vomit or give us a painful sore place on mouths and tongues . The pine needles that fall off Christmas trees or flower arrangements can also make us sick . Angie always puts all flowers out of my reach because I have been known to sample them . And this is also the time of year when little kids make treats for birds , and hang them outside on trees . I like the one that has peanut butter in the middle and seeds on the outside . Next door , one of these fell on the ground , and I could smell that peanut butter . Not a good idea … Speaking of treats , there are lots of them that can cause problems . Chocolate is the one most people know about . I know a dog who ate a whole bag of chocolate chips , and was very sick . That dog even had seizures . So don 't leave chocolate around , or nuts . The best idea is to get your dog a rawhide bone or special treat that is just for dogs . And remember that your pets can tell if you are upset about something . So if you are worried about finding the perfect gift , or sad because you miss a person or pet who is no longer here , we know , and our behavior might be different . The same goes for having lots of people around us . And finally , please don 't dress me up to look like a reindeer ! I hope we all have a healthy and happy holiday season ! There is a special day for humans that is a time to think about all of the good things that are in their lives . This day is called Thanksgiving , and it sometimes also means a yummy meal that smells great . At our house , there is turkey and pumpkin pie . Angie 's mom bakes the pie and brings it over . And one time , when I had no manners , I jumped up on the counter and ate half of it . Oh , wait , I am supposed to tell you what is good in my life , besides the food . First of all , this is not about me . I am not that dog … but I think that this story could be about almost any Labrador Retriever out there . We are known to be food hounds . But enough about us . Let me tell you what happened . A few of us were at Disaster City , including Sasha , Pigeon and Cojo . There were also a couple of young dogs who are just learning how to do their jobs . Angie was hiding for Pigeon , but before Pigeon started to search , his mom called out , " Angie , could you come take a look at my dog ? " I was in my kennel in the car when this happened , but I could see what was going on next to Rubble Pile 1 . Angie got off the pile , and she felt the dog 's stomach and looked closely at him . I could tell that Pigeon was not moving right , and he was not excited about going on the pile . That is not a good sign . All at once , Pigeon 's car drove away . As it turned out , he was on his way to see Dr . Z , the vet who takes care of us . I could tell that Angie was worried , and so were the other humans . Here is what happened . There is a machine that can see inside of a dog 's body , and you will not believe what was in Pigeon 's stomach … . . 6 to 8 cups of dog food that were making his belly stretch out so big that it hurt . That is a lot of food , and it took a long time for it to get out of the dog . Well , you know how dogs go potty . I bet you are wondering , how did Pigeon get so much food ? It turns out that there is one container of food at his house that does not have a twist top . This one has a little latch on it , and he used his mouth to open it , and eat too much ! Pigeon is fine now , but he did not eat for a couple of days . Feel better , my friend ! This is the time of year when weather can get bad , like hurricanes and tornadoes . Angie and Kip are always ready , and have extra food , bottled water , flashlights , and lots of other stuff for our family . And I know there is always at least a half tank of gas in the car ( that is why we stop for gas after every trip to Disaster City ) . I am part of our family , and to everybody reading this , if you have dogs or cats ( yes , Oscar is also part of the family ) , remember that what is best for humans is also best for us . The most important thing I can say to you is : " Do not leave us behind . " If you evacuate , do not think that we will be OK without you . If you go , we go . Find out what shelters and hotels allow pets , because not all of them do . If you decide to travel to a safe place out of town , like a friend 's house , be sure that pets are welcome . Put together an emergency kit just for us . We need food , water , leashes , bowls , our medicine , first aid supplies , and for cats , a litter box . You know I don 't need that , but Oscar does . Be sure to have ziplock bags so that our food stays dry … and towels that are throw - away . Keep copies of our veterinary records , and please make sure we are wearing identification tags . Do not put a cat in a crate with a dog , or put a dog in a crate with another dog , or 2 cats in the same cat carrier . Even though we may all be great friends , when the weather changes , or our humans get upset , we might act differently than normal . Have a separate kennel for each of us . That way we will be safe and comfortable . Today , while Angie was not home ( very important part of the story ) , Chris ' friend came over to our house . Whenever he visits , the first words he says are , " Can I give Sammie a treat ? " Chris always says , " Yes , but she has to work for anything that she gets . " Today was so much fun ! Diego , the friend , opened my kennel , and told me to " sit . " And then he gave me a treat . He took me for a walk , and when I waited to cross the street , there was another treat . On the way home , he told me " down , " and there were more treats . I NEVER get treats for taking a walk , so this was pretty special . I could tell that Diego thought I was very smart . He has a small dog named Jingles who is not as much fun as I am . When we got home from the walk , Chris told Diego to put me back in my kennel . Diego said , " Just one more … please ? " That was good news for me because what he meant was , " Can Sammie stay out and get some more treats ? Chris said that was OK , and I did whatever I was told , like sitting , lying down , shaking hands , heeling , and using my nose to figure out which hand had the treat . I think that it is OK once in a while , for somebody to spoil me . I probably didn 't need all those treats , because I really didn 't do any work like in training . Still , it felt good to have somebody just act like I was a good girl for doing not that much . Thanks , Diego . You can come back to our house anytime ! We traveled to Dallas for training , and it was a lot of fun . This was my first time there . Sprinkles and I loaded up in the car together , and we could tell it was going to be a long trip . I thought at first that we were going to Disaster City , but when we were on the road longer , I knew that we were going to a different place . The first day we went to a rubble pile . There was a car and a van in the pile , and that made it different . There were also new people who hid and tugged with me , and I always enjoy that ( if they know how to tug , and these people did ) . It was a hot day so I drank a lot of water to stay hydrated . We spent the night in a hotel , and Angie brought chew bones for Sprinkles and me . First Sprinkles took my bone , then I took Sprinkles ' bone , and we kept on switching bones . They are more special like that . We both tried to jump on the beds because we like leaping from one bed to the other one , but that kind of play is not allowed . We each slept in a soft kennel , and tried to be good dogs . The next day we went to the biggest pallet pile I have ever seen . It is hard to tell you how tall it was . When I looked up , I could not believe I was going to be able to train on it . The first time Angie told me to " Search , " I ran so fast that I slipped on a slick piece of plastic . My back legs fell onto the wood , and my front legs were on the plastic , and I was stuck , not able to move . Angie came over and lifted me up by the fur on my neck , and I was good to go . The next problem was also fun because I ran up the other side of the pile , and then down to the ground where somebody was hiding . I stay in a crate in the kitchen while my family is away from home . It has a soft mat in it , and is very comfortable . I also sleep there at night . As soon as Angie , Kip or Chris get home , one of them always opens the door and lets me out . So imagine my surprise when one day the door just fell off while I was inside ! Nobody was home . What should I do ? What could I do ? Here is what I thought about doing , so many things . I could jump up on the kitchen counter where there was a loaf of bread , and some coffee in a can … or I could go into the study and lie down on the couch where there are some pillows I could destroy . Hmmm , and there are Angie 's boots . I have a weakness for shoes , and they smell so good . And that is just downstairs . If I go upstairs , there are beds , not dog beds , human beds , and more pillows . There are dirty smelly clothes in a basket that I could drag out and chew on the bed . Oh , and my toothbrush and toothpaste are b Or I could stay in the kitchen and be a good dog , and not get in trouble . In the end , that is what I did . When Angie walked through the door , she asked me , " Sammie , what happened ? " Then she checked out all the places where I thought about going . When she was satisfied that I stayed in the kitchen , she told me what a good dog I was , and gave me a treat . Since I was so good , maybe she will let me stay out of my kennel while she is gone . I promise that I will be good ! I thought there was just one kind of school , but there is another called Vacation Bible School . I visited two of them this summer , and there was a lot of music and singing … but I didn 't hear my name so the songs were not about me . One time I went up on a stage , and everybody listened while Angie told them about me . The other time I went to one place , and groups of little kids came to see me , kind of like Career Day . The other place I visited was where people go to exercise and stay healthy . There was a big room with a slick wood floor , and a lot of kids were waiting for me . You might think that a floor like that makes walking easy , but that is not true . It feels slippery , and when I try to run , my feet kind of go out from under me . This is a place where people play basketball , so they wear shoes that make it easy for them . When I went in the room , the kids ' backpacks were all piled up . I smelled some sandwiches , cookies , chips , and pickles . Yummm . But I knew that I could not mess around with those distractions . Somebody was hiding under soft mats , and I jumped on top of the mats and barked . And at the end , everybody wanted to pet me . This always happens . Some of them ask Angie if I can go home with them , and the answer is always the same , " No ! " I did not know the meaning of the word , " career , " but now I know it means the same as " job . " Angie and I went to a school where there were people talking to students about what kind of jobs they could have when they graduated from high school . I was the only dog there , and Angie talked about what it was like to work with me . First , there was this big meeting in front of lots of people , and when it was Angie 's turn to introduce herself , I went with her and hupped on a chair so that everybody could see me . No big deal , but there was a lot of applause . Then we visited 8 classrooms , and this took a long time . At first , I was kind of excited and ready to go , but at the end of the day , I was lying sideways down , really tired from all of the talking and petting . Angie tried to make it fun for me by taking my toy out of her pack , and showing the students how much I enjoyed tugging . I never got tired of that part . She would move it slowly back and forth , side to side , and my eyes followed it ; then she told me , " Get it , Sammie ! " Then we played a good tug game . She also talked to the students about what I do when I find somebody in the rubble . She asked them , " Do you think Sammie sends me a text from her cell phone ? " I think some of them thought she was serious , and then she told them how I barked loudly , and I demonstrated my special bark for them . I was more tired from this day than from a day of training on rubble . I think it was because I kept thinking I was going to work , since Angie wore her boots and training clothes . Still , it was important for the students to know what it takes to work with a dog like me , and to think about that as a career , or job , that they might like one day . Last weekend , we got in the car , and Angie was in her uniform with all these bags in the back , so I knew that we were off to Disaster City . I can always tell … only this time I was wrong . We did drive for a long time , which is the same as when we go to Disaster City , but we stopped at a big building . I have been there before . It is where all of the stuff is kept for when we go on a deployment , like to a hurricane or explosion . So there are boats , trucks , tools , cots , and all kinds of gear … not just for dogs , but for Texas Task Force 1 to use to help people . Still , I thought we might get to train . The first direction Angie gave me was , " Kennel , " and there was one already set up . There was another dog next to me , Cojo , a yellow lab who is my friend . He was sleeping , but looked up when he smelled me . And then I waited , and waited , and waited . Finally , Angie put my leash on my collar , and we took a walk with a lot of other people . They were all carrying big backpacks . Cojo was with us , and also Sprinkles and a black lab named Pigeon . And that is all we did , no training , just that walk . It was kind of boring . And then back in our kennels , all 4 dogs . We spent the night in the warehouse , and I was quiet . I did have a hard time sleeping because I was not really tired . After all , I didn 't do much during the day . The next morning , we went home . But before we got there , Angie stopped at the park so I could run and play fetch . I know that not all training is about me , and that sometimes I must practice staying calm and waiting . I know that , but it doesn 't make it easy . After all , I am a working dog ! Let me tell you about the latest deployment , the first one in a really long time . That is a good thing because it means that nothing bad has happened that would mean people needed my help . Still , it is what Angie and I train for all the time , and if there is a bad situation , we are there to do whatever we can to make things better . It was late at night . I was asleep in my kennel , and dreaming of chasing my orange ball , when the lights come on in the kitchen . There are gear bags everywhere , and Kip is taking them to the car . Even though it is not time for breakfast , Angie puts my food in a bowl , and I eat . Then we are on our way to College Station , where we stay for a short time and then get on a bus with lots of people , and three other dogs , Sprinkles , Cojo , and a new dog named Jay . We were on that bus for a really long time . We stopped once for a break , but the rest of the time I lay on my mat , napping and just resting . When we arrived in Arkansas , we stayed in a small building with 8 humans and 4 dogs . I had some trouble sleeping that first night because I had been on the bus all day , and because there was a lot of snoring from the humans . I also smelled a strange odor because I was sprayed to prevent ticks that could make me very sick . The next day was better because I was able to play fetch several times during the day . That helped me relax . Still , I wanted to train or go to work , but that didn 't happen . That night I slept better , but there was even more snoring than the night before . Angie never snores ! She is a quiet sleeper . We left for home the next day ; another long day on the bus . I was glad to get home and sleep in my quiet kennel , no snoring to bother me . And I was glad to know that even though we did not work in Arkansas , we were ready to do whatever it took to help other people . Posted by Lots of dogs came to Disaster City for the weekend , and I made some new friends . We all stayed in our groups , and played for 2 days on all of the cool stuff . The dogs in my group were George , Noah , Nytro , Duke , Rainy , and Luke . They were all labs like me , except for one dog who looked like Sprinkles . Dogs traveled from California , Ohio , Nebraska , Indiana , and other states because they wanted to come to my favorite place . And of course , they were not disappointed ! I think that the trains were a favorite , especially when Angie hid in the luggage rack above the seats . You should have seen those dogs go so fast , too fast , and then turn and dance on their back legs when they caught her scent . She threw toys down to them , and they were very excited . There was also a tough problem on Rubble Pile 1 . Two people hid very close to each other , and there was a lot of scent in the same place . I used my nose very carefully so that I could tell that there were 2 of them , not just one . This was challenging for all of us . All dogs were polite , and respected each other . I did not see any fights or problems . And the vets were there to check on us every day . The first day was hot , and the next day was cold , so most of the dogs had a lot more energy . I was not tired at the end of the weekend , but I did sleep well . And guess where Angie and I stayed ? We were in a hotel with 2 other people and their dogs , Pigeon and Cojo . Of course , we all slept in our kennels at night , and did not bother each other . Well , that is not exactly true . I tried to get one of Pigeon 's toys , and I went into Cojo 's kennel while he was outside . I am always curious , and I sure hope we get to see each other again soon . I think all my new friends had a good time at my favorite place ! You are probably thinking that this is about a fun time at my friend 's house , but you would be wrong . Well , it was a little bit fun , but not what I expected . Angie and I got out of the car , and I was excited because I was ready to play … or get a massage from the man who is there sometimes . We walked in the back door , and I heard Sasha barking , but I did not see her . I think she was in her room in the back of the house . Instead , there were a bunch of small dogs and nobody was playing . Then this lady came up to me , and she was holding a big camera . We went outside and Angie told me to sit and stay while the lady took my picture . It was not easy because I could smell where other dogs had been , and also the horses and cats who stay at Sasha 's . First I sat in front of some blue flowers , and then in front of a bush , and finally in front of some red flowers that were right by the swimming pool . That was the worst , because I wanted to jump in the water . I kept looking at it , and then I looked at Angie when she told me to watch her . More pictures , and finally Angie threw a toy in the pool . I jumped high in the air with a big splash and got the toy . And even though I was having fun , I noticed that the lady with the camera was still taking pictures of me . That swimming was the best part of the day . I guess some days are just more fun than others . Poor Sasha , I hope that she knows I wanted to play , I really did . Next time … . Angie came home yesterday and she had dog smells on her . I didn 't recognize the smells . . . they did not belong to Sprinkles , Sasha , Snap or any of my friends . Then she told me about the dogs . Get ready to say , " Are you kidding ? " The two dog she had been to see are Briards , which are big , long - haired dogs that look sort of like a sheep dog . There is a boy , Olivier , and a girl , Collette . Their dad asked Angie to check on them while he was out of town . He gave her a key that was attached to a stuffed Briard toy . ( It looked like it would be fun to destroy ! ) These dogs get eggs and cheese for breakfast every morning , and cooked ground sirloin with kibble for dinner . They have a big jar full of red licorice that they get for a snack . I don 't know of any other dogs who eat that kind of food ! There are no seat belts in their dad 's car because the dogs have chewed them off . They have a big cushion in the back of the car where there used to be seats . Now it is more like a big dog bed that takes up all that space . These dogs jumped on Angie , and their dad told her , " They will settle down . " Still , they are too big to be jumping on people . Do you think they stay in a kennel during the day ? Or sleep in one ? Oh , no . . they run free in the house , and they have done a lot of damage ! They have used the bathroom inside the house , on the curtains , and on the carpet . They have scratched the paint off of the door because they scratch on it when there is any kind of noise . Angie told me , " Sammie , you are such a good girl . I would never bring these dogs to our house because they have no manners . Thank you for working hard and making me proud of you . " I love it when she talks to me like that . The sound of her words and the way she looks at me make me want to be the best dog in the world ! Guess what happened after training yesterday ? Sasha , Sprinkles , Snap , and 2 visiting dogs were on a down stay with me . We were in a line , but our bodies were not touching … 6 dogs in all . Angie walked away , and Sprinkles ' mom walked out in front of us with a bag . She took out lots of soft toys and put them on the ground in front of us . I was very excited , and I know that my friends were , too . Remember , we were supposed to stay . Angie walked back in sight , and told me to " stay . " And then , one by one , each dog was able to choose a toy . Sprinkles put two in her mouth . Sasha picked out a toy with a squeaker , and I chose one that makes a crunchy sound because there is an empty water bottle inside . Snap decided on a monkey with a hat and long legs . Angie , Chris , Kip , and I took a trip to visit somebody in another city . I know this sounds strange , but I have not stayed in a house before that was not my own . Yes , I have been on airplanes , boats , and in hotels , tents , and warehouses , but this was different because there were so many smells and people . When we arrived , even outside of the front door , I smelled another dog . His name is Milton , and you can see from the picture that he is not too big . His mom said that he came from a shelter , just like me . He was friendly , as long as I did not come near his favorite toy , which is a rubber chicken that squeaks . I shared his water , and we ate from different bowls . He always gets rice with his dog food , and I got some , too . It was very busy at Milton 's house . Lots of people came to visit , and there was talking , eating , and some loud noises . At least it sounded loud to me . When I am home , my family is pretty quiet . Angie brought my crate inside , but I did not want to go in it . I kept running up and down the stairs , and sometimes Milton and I went into the backyard . Finally , everybody left , and Milton and I took a walk around the neighborhood . There were lots of new smells , and I liked that . We came to an area where we could run without our leashes , and that felt great . I stretched my body out long , and ran circles around Milton . When we came back , I was able to relax enough to go to sleep in my crate . The next day was the best . Milton and I went to a trail that was not far from his house , and we explored . I know he has been there before , but I could tell he was following me when I went to new parts . Guess what animals we saw ? Three deer , running right in front of us . They were fast ! I needed that exercise , and when it was time to load up in the car to go back home , I took a nap . I was so happy to get back to my own house , and I was even glad to see Oscar the cat , who we left behind . I still think the best trips are the ones to Disaster City !
|
When I found out that I did have breast cancer for sure and had started making all the appointments for all the other Dr 's . I kept trying to call Diane in between all the phone calls … but she never did answer the phone for that whole week . We do live less than a 1 / 2 mile from each other , and if I didn 't tell her about my diagnosis soon I was going to have a huge melt down . I was trying so hard to keep it together so I didn 't make everyone else lose it while I gave them my awful news . I couldn 't wait anymore so I got into my wheel chair and pushed myself on over to her house a few streets away . She was on the phone when I went into her kitchen to find her and as soon as she hung up with whoever she was talking to she looked at me and said " you have cancer don 't you . " , I shook my head yes and we sat down to drink coffee and talk for a while . She told me that she had purposefully been ignoring my calls because she couldn 't take hearing if for sure . Anyway , we have had some people offer to help out around the house or just sit and read with me because my eyes don 't focus very well anymore . But for every ten people who offered to help us out only one or two actually came to help at all . I know people mean well when they offer help but that 's not something that anyone should take lightly . I really did need the help that was offered but we ended up going without or just doing the best we could to keep the house looking at least partially clean . Especially now when I have a 24 hr cough that never goes away . I couldn 't handle getting any more health problems . Here where I live we 've been getting a lot of dust in the air ( even inside through the filters ) . When my sister Elaine decided to come to visit and stay with me , literally at my side , she did everything she could do to take care of me . She was amazing at remembering when all of my meds were due and she jumped awake every time I had a coughing fit in the middle of the night . Again I 'll never remember everything that she did but I could never thank her enough . When Elaine went back home last month my bff Diane literally moved into my guest room so that she and Rick could take turns taking care of me when I needed someone to help me . Between the two of them I 'm well looked after . I had trouble all along with letting anyone help me take a bath but I 've been told to only move when I absolutely have to . I broke down and with the help of a shower chair Diane has now seen all the scars from all the missing body parts and procedure scars . She 's been my friend for about 27 years now and I 've never let her see all old my scars so I thought she might be a little shocked , she wasn 't and I now have baths more often that I could before . That 's not all she does . I won 't give you a list but she and Rich are taking turns with doing everything in the house , except when Jesse 's friend Danny stays over night to listen for my cough ( Jesse works nights ) and Rick and Diane are running on empty . I wish that I could do more than say thank you to them all the time but I think that I make it very clear how appreciative that Diane left her own family at her house and came here to care for me . For those of you who understand bc lingo , it 's 6x9cm now and counting . My lungs are giving me a problem , but only when I want to breath so I 'm working on holding my breath as long as I can at a time . I have to get back into bed now . I can 't believe that writing takes all my energy right out of me . My one and only thing left that I really love to do and it 's slowly fading away … just like everything else it seems . I 'm trying to stay in a good mood and since I 've needed him home all the time I decided that Rick should accept an invitation to go our for crab legs . He loves that kind of food but I never did so he 's probably missed out on a whole lot of having it for dinner . I promised him I would still be alive when he came home and scooted him out the door . He really deserves a night with a friend right now . Jan29 Yesterday I wasn 't doing very well and I was in a terrible amount of pain . Normally I would be able to push the button on my IV pain meds and then I would feel a little bit better . When I push that button it gives me a whole hours worth of pain meds all at once . I know that I have a nurse coming this morning to set up a new IV bag so I figured I would just wait for her to come and tell her that my pain button wasn 't working for the extra pain meds . I guess it was about 9pm last night when everything on my IV meds quit working at all . The only pain meds that I take are in that bag so I hadn 't been getting pain meds for hours before I knew what was happening and I had to call my nurse late last night to ask her to come to my house right away and fix it . She was yawning when I was telling her on the phone what was happening , but she came right over . I told her that I was really sorry that I had called her at home after she had worked all day but she made me feel better about calling her . I like my nurse … she understands what the pain can do to people . She ended up having to take the needle out of my port and insert a new needle and luckily the new one flushed perfectly . I was in so much pain by the time that she had it working right again that I actually felt the pain meds go into my body , normally I wouldn 't feel the pain meds at all . I asked her why that would happen and she said that I was moving around too much . I hardly do anything at all and now just taking a bath is a big deal . I don 't know how I can do less that I already do . I think I 'll spend my time watching a movie this morning so I don 't try to clean anything because I know I 'll hurt myself if I do . I do have a box of M & Ms and a pot of fresh coffee to comfort me . My best friend Daine was here for days doing dishes and cleaning my floors so I think that just watching her do all the work that she did was what hurt me . I did probably do one or two things without realizing I was doing anything at all because she was doing so much . I don 't know how she has put up with me for twenty seven years ( I think ) , but she 's the only reason that my house looks as good as it does . Thank you Daine ! I hope you 're coming back soon , but for visiting or watching a movie or something . Jan17 My take on life is most likely not what everyone else sees . Things that used to be very important to me are way back in the background , and different things are up front now . First lets take my morning routine . I wake up a little later now than I used to because I get up every few hours throughout the night . After each four - hour ' nap ' I try to do one or two things that I would have before waited for the afternoon to get working on . Then there 's sleep its self . I have to take pills for this that and the other ( right now I have pneumonia again ) that usually makes me a little sleepy so the four - hour sleep thing actually works out fine . I would have thought that only sleeping in four - hour intervals would make me tired all the time , but it gives me a little bit of time after each four hours to do a few things . This morning I woke up and had a cup of coffee and read a few pages of my book and decided that I might have enough energy left to knock out a quick post . I know I 'll have to write it quickly because I 'm already getting tired , hopefully the coffee will help with that so that I can stay up a while longer . I have my M & Ms too so one more cup of coffee and I 'll be fine . I have a friend who I haven 't seen in a few months that showed up a few days ago and wanted to know if it was all right if she came to stay with me for a while to help with all of the housework and to keep me company . It 's nice to have people come over to see what they can do to help us out . We need help all the time so we have friends coming and going throughout the days . Some just come to keep me company and those are the ones who can 't help with any other needs . I think that kind of help is so precious . I 'm not one who normally likes to have a lot of people around the house because I 'm embarrassed that my house isn 't always clean anymore . That doesn 't seem important these days . I told her that she 's welcome to come and help out for a while . She should be here sometime today . Then we have the bills . I can 't ever find the words to convey how embarrassing it is to have to admit that we can 't make ends meet anymore . I 've always hated having to admit that we need help but I 'm putting my pride away and asking for help in different ways . First we just signed up for state services for food and health insurance for Rick , he needs to be able to keep taking care of his heart . He went for over a week without taking his heart pills and never told me because he knew we had no way to come up with enough money to pay for his meds . We now have decided that we can 't just go without some things . I 'm setting up a way for people to help us financially if they want to . I think Elaine is working on a way for people to help in different ways . Some want to mail a check and some want to pay bills directly , and some just want to send cash or a money order . Elaine will make sure that if you want to help financially then it will be excepted in whatever form you wish . I think that letting people send us money is right up there at the top of embarrassing / humiliating . I 've come to accept that it 's alright for me to say when we need help , and boy do we need help ! Like I 've said before we have helped so many other families when we were able to over the years and I wish I knew how hard it was for the people we were helping . I always just figured that they were happy to have some financial relief and that was the end of it . Well , that is so not the end of it . I remember feeling so happy about giving people whatever they needed , but I think that now its my time to learn how other people feel about having to except charity . Thank God we 've never had or used credit cards , I don 't like to make payments on things , so if we didn 't have the cash to purchase anything we just saved up for things . I think that I missed this entire Christmas season because I did everything but hide in my bed to stay away from people . I wanted my family to have a good time , but I think that I could have helped to make it a better holiday , even without any money . I know that my mood swings are coming from all the meds and the pain I 'm going through . I 'm so used to having a lot of pain but this is way more than what I 've ever had to deal with … and it 's only going to get worse . I did finally get my mother to agree to take me to make my final arrangements while I 'm able to have a say in everything . Of course I have a long time to go yet but I didn 't want to wait until I can 't go with the family to choose what I want . Rick and mom need to make theirs as well . I don 't think that anyone should wait until their too sick to go and have a say in their own final wishes . I might think about things differently now but it 's only because I don 't want all the difficult things left for other people to take care of . My muscles are all very stiff when I wake up … every time I wake up , but then it gets a little better as I get up and move around a little bit . I get very excited when I 'm able to finish any chore on my own , and I make sure that everyone in the house at the time knows that I accomplished something on my own . Here is a recent pic that was taken just hours before my sister Elaine left to go back go back to NC . : Nov24 I 'm still really sick from changing my pain meds and I 've been trying to sleep as much as I could , but I keep waking up every two hours in pain . I know that I 'll be better soon but when you 're in this much pain it 's really difficult to be patient about it . Rick and Mom took care of Thanksgiving and I pretty much just tried to stay out - of - the - way . I guess it 's better than last year when they had to bring me dinner in the hospital . I 'm trying to look on the bright side … but it isn 't very easy right now . I 'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired . I feel like I can 't do a damn thing anymore without having to pay for it for days afterwords . I wanted so badly to have the house looking nice for my family to come here for Thanksgiving dinner , and I didn 't do that much , at least not enough to put me in the shape I 've been in since then . My whole body hurts , and I know that some of that is from switching my meds , but just for one day I would like to feel healthy . I was looking forward to getting the last check from worker 's comp so we could pay for the bills far enough ahead for Rick to start getting a paycheck . Because Rick had been released to go back to work we expected a final check from worker 's comp , but it was nowhere near what we thought it would be . I honestly have no clue how we 're going to get through the next month . Rick is out right now trying to find a job that he can manage without hurting himself anymore than he already has , but we didn 't know that he was going to be cut off like he was . On the bright side , now we can settle the claim for the personal injury , and hopefully it will at least cover all the bills . I 'm not even thinking about buying Christmas presents anymore . I 'm more concerned with just getting by . I don 't even have the heart to put up the tree . I had planned to put it up days ago , but I could barely move so I figured I would just wait until I was feeling better . So much for feeling better . I know Rick will get hired on quickly with all the experience he has under his belt . I just can 't believe that all this shit happens to us . I 'm starting to feel like the universe has it out for me . With any luck at all we might get the settlement money from the accident before Christmas . But with our luck the attorney 's fees will be more than the settlement . Just another case of truth being stranger than fiction . Rick told me not to worry and that everything would work out fine , but at this point I 'm having a really hard time not worrying . I probably shouldn 't have put all of this in my blog , but I 'm stressing about it and this is how I process everything . I hope nobody reading this was looking for a happy post . I just found out about the worker 's comp check ( or lack there of ) so maybe I 'll be in a better mood later , but right now I don 't think I could take anymore bad news . I 'm all out of sunshine ! I think that considering my situation I need and upside down pink tree … it seems so appropriate . Nov21 Even though Rick has been in a tizzy about getting his pc to work again I really didn 't want to miss out on my morning posts , luckily my lovely daughter suggested that I use the laptop that we gave her last year for Christmas to be able to write my posts with . Jesse can be a huge pain in the ass sometimes , but she also is the single most kind and generous person I 've ever known . When we bought her this laptop we also bought two others for Justin and Ashley . And because we aren 't rich , we went to a reconditioned laptop store and were able to get all three , with new cases for less that we would have paid for one brand new one . All three kids were happy though because we had been telling them that there might not be any presents under the tree at all because we were hurting so badly financially . Rick would sell a kidney to be able to give our kids what they want for Christmas , but as they get older the presents seem to get more expensive … go figure . So this year Rick and my mother want to have the holiday family get - together at our house . I tried to get out of it because I would have to go over my house with a fine tooth comb just so that I 'm not embarrassed to have family here . Don 't get me wrong , they would probably not give a shit what my house looked like … it 's all me . I did manage to get the entire downstairs cleaned to my satisfaction , and then I spent the whole day yesterday trying to nurse the pain I had caused myself by doing things like reaching up with a swiffer duster while standing on one leg with nothing to hold on to just to clean my ceiling fan . Every time I touched the damn thing it started spinning around . Jesse and her best friend were told that they had to clean Jesse 's bathroom and the downstairs bathroom before I would give them the car keys to take all their friends skating . I still have to do a little more on the bathroom that Jesse ' cleaned ' , but at least she tried . She hates to clean . This morning when the pharmacy opens I have to go and pick up my new meds . I haven 't taken this particular kind in years , but I do remember that one of the reasons that I didn 't want to keep taking them before was because they gave me way too much energy . Rick would have to demand that I sit in the recliner and take a break after six straight hours of doing chores . Now with as much as I need more energy just to do simple things , I 'm hoping that it will work better for me this time . I do remember that it worked great for pain though so I can 't wait to see what happens . Rick also told me yesterday that he wants to put up our Christmas tree today . I guess he wanted to have the house decorated before the family comes over . Last year he didn 't help at all , Diane and I had to do it ourselves while Rick watched TV pr played his games . To be honest I really don 't remember because I had my hands full of lights that someone had just thrown into a box . I am curious to see what decorations we have left . Every year more seem to hit the void . My favorites are the ones that my kids made for me when they were just old enough to be able to write their own names on them . I think everyone I know has at least one tiny little popsicle stick snow sled with glitter on it , and a red ribbon to hold it to a tree branch . So today while Rick starts digging out all the Christmas decorations , I 'll be sitting in the middle of them all trying to figure out which lights are still in good working condition . I 'll gently pick out the broken balls ans play where 's waldo to find enough extension cords to be able to plug everything in . I really don 't enjoy the process … but I love having the tree all lit up in the evenings leading up to Christmas . I also have a green and white wreath that hangs on my front door , this is the closest one to mine that I could find a picture of … except that my front doors are white so it looks really pretty . Happy holidays everyone . cin Nov19 I am unwillingly going to take a vacation for a little while , just until I can either get my computer fixed or find a nice cheap used one that will do what I need it to do … which isn 't very much really . Normally , I write a post every morning while I have my coffee and M & Ms , but I think that I 'm going to have to take a break for a little while . Not that I want to … because I really don 't . I just don 't have a choice . Not too long ago , I caught the cord of my head - set on the front of my wheelchair , I didn 't realize that I was tangled up in it before I started to back away from my desk and saw that my computer tower was slowly tipping over . It literally looked like is was falling in slow motion so I didn 't panic and try to catch it , I thought that if I did that I might do more harm than good . So , I held the cord to the head - set and tried to let the tower down as slowly as possible . Even when the tower made its way all the way to the floor it didn 't make much of a sound at all , and nothing looked damaged at all … not even the head - set cord had anything wrong with it . I went to refill my coffee , which was what I was trying to do to begin with , and I came back to write my morning post . Everything was going along as usual until I realized that I was hearing a very loud beep coming from the computer tower . I had no clue wait is was , and after writing a few more lines I decided that I might have shaken something lose in the tower and that I should just save my blog post for later and re - start the computer . I shut it down and tried to restart it … but something went very wrong . I must have done something really bad for it to not even be able to start Windows . I begged my husband , although he didn 't want to do this at all , to open the tower and just look to see if there was anything obvious … like a loose wire , or something unplugged that he could just fix and I could get back to my writing . Nothing found , and he gave up . My little brother knows pretty much everything about computers , but he has a very demanding job as well as a family with two little kids , so you can see why I wouldn 't want to ask him to check out my problem . I didn 't want him to feel obligated and possibly miss out on anything important . Rick did ask Jason if he could take a look at it , and I was given very bad news about my little computer friend . When it tipped over , the hard drive was running … now I can 't fix it . It 's going to have to have a new hard drive installed , or I 'll have to find a very cheap pc . I love my computer . It isn 't anything expensive or difficult to use , it 's an e - machine . I don 't ever do anything but write my blog posts , check my fb , and talk to some other women with breast cancer online . I have no need for anything fancy , actually I think a fancy computer would simply be wasted on me . I just need to find a way to fix my sad little broken pc . I 'll look around and price some hard drives , hopefully because of the holidays they will be on sale somewhere . So , I 've been using Rick 's gaming pc every morning , I usually wake up three or four hours before he does , so that I don 't get in his way . No problem there . Jesse has been needing to use Rick 's pc too lately to look for a job ( she didn 't like the ones she had , too much drama ) but she stays up late at night and now Rick has things on his computer that he doesn 't want there ( no , it 's not porn or anything vulgar ) . I told him if he didn 't want anyone on his pc when he isn 't awake then he should change the password . He changed the password right before he went to bed ( the night before last ) , and when he woke up he had no clue what he had changed it to . We 've tried everything to reset the password , the computer , and even called the manufacture . They said that all they can do is send him a disk in the mail that should help him fix the problem . I don 't think I 'll ever agree to use his computer again . Somehow , even though I was asleep when he changed the password , it 's still all my fault . And everyone else 's fault too . He 's very , very touchy about his gaming pc because he waited years to be able to have one . I totally get why he 's so upset about all of this right now . But I did find out that he now remembers changing the password to one that I could easily remember … but he never told me what it was ? Hmmm Nov14 So , yesterday afternoon I was out side on the patio talking to Rick about his appointment Thursday with the lawyers , and I asked him what the date was . I never do know what day of the week it is and most of the time I can 't remember what day of the month it is either . He told me the date and I suddenly remembered that I had something to do . I looked in my purse for any appointment cards and found on from my pain center with a time of 1 : 45 yesterday afternoon . I called my mom and asked her to take me , because my car needs to have repairs done , which I can 't afford right now , and she made sure that I was there on time . Thank God for mom . I waited longer than usual in the exam room for the PA to come in , but I didn 't mind because he always spends a lot of time talking to me so I just figured that he was talking to someone else ( I could hear him in the next room ) and he would be in as soon as he could . When he came in he sat next to me and said " How are you doing ? " I said " shitty , how about you ? " He said the same thing , " shitty " . He wanted to know why I wasn 't doing well and I told him about how I thought that I was starting to have problems in my arm . I did have a lot of lymph nodes taken out when I had my breast amputated ( I think the word mastectomy doesn 't do it justice ) , twenty - eight the last time and eight the first time . Even one being taken out can cause you to have a lot of pain and swelling in your arm . I haven 't had any trouble with it in this past year so I 'm not convinced that it isn 't the tumor in my arm pit pushing on things that are causing pain all the way into my hand . I watched for any swelling or anything like this before , but I never saw anything . And , I 've usually been able to get relief from the pain pills after I healed from each surgery . I 'm a little worried that this is only the beginning of the problems with my arm . Anyway , the PA wanted to change my meds ( which he does every so often ) and scribbled for a while on some paper , trying to figure out the correct amount of the other pain meds to equal what I was already on . I would have needed a calculator for all those math problems . After a while he gave up and went to go to the back office to speak to my Dr and ask him what he thought should be written . When the PA came back he was laughing . I asked him what was going on and he , still laughing , said that some Dr had called my Dr and told him that I didn 't have breast cancer … that he thought that it was a misdiagnosis . I wish I was a fly on the wall for that conversation . When I was first diagnosed and still had all the tumors in my body I had to be admitted to the hospital for pain . I insisted after almost a week that they call in my own pain Dr because he already knew me and I trusted him . They refused until I started screaming in pain , and I also sent my husband across the street to the Dr 's office to tell him personally that I needed him and why . My own Dr showed up in my hospital room at about eight pm when he was on his way home for the night . When he came in he sat down held my hand and put his head in my lap and cried . He told me that no matter what happens he 'll be there to see me through this . I believed him then and I still believe in him now . He chewed out the hospital staff and changed the meds I was on and I was able to go home two days later . If he hadn 't come in to help me I don 't know how long I would have been there . I don 't have a clue what Dr would have called him unless it was the Medical Director at the hospice that I was in a few months ago who wanted me to have more scans and tests to prove what my prognosis was after I had my surgery . They do have to make sure that you qualify to be in hospice so I know why they wanted more proof . But , if they would have told me at the time what they were looking for I could have had the reports from the Cardio Thoracic surgeon and the pathology reports sent to them . I didn 't know then that they didn 't have everything . I haven 't seen an Oncologist for about eight months now because I didn 't have any reason to go to one . I wasn 't having chemo and I didn 't know that I would need to be continually getting tested for something that doesn 't go away on its own . I made all of my choices clear to all my Dr . s and I figured that they would all talk to each other when they needed information . Anyway , my own Dr knew better than to believe that it was all a mistake and thought that the one who had called him and told him that it was all a misunderstanding was an idiot . I 'm very glad now that I insisted on having my own Dr come to the hospital because he saw for himself that there was no mistake and that I simply wasn 't going along with all the usual treatments for IDC . Some people ( including Dr . s ) think if I 'm not doing chemo and radiation that I must not have cancer . It only it were . I did ask my PCP to get me a referral for another Oncologist so that there wouldn 't be anymore questions about my prognosis . Just incase I need proof from now on . So now I start the new meds next week , I know that I 've taken them before but I don 't remember if I had any problems with taking them . Hopefully it 'll help me without giving me any more issues to deal with .
|
Warning about enemies In the dream the alligator is understood as a warning against enemies - the one for life - here figuratively means almost always about business . In the dream the alligator or the crocodile can be also viewed as an expression of the fear of the unconscious . The alligator usually and mostly lies close to the shore and waits for victims to attack them without warning . The alligator is like the sturgeon , an animal which exists in today 's nature for thousands of years . He has only few enemies - the man is one of them - and feeds itself with meat in any form , whether dead or alive . With his sharp teeth he can chop up his food in the appropriate chunks . Now and then alligators reach a length of nearly five meters ; copies of this size are easily able to overwhelm even a cow . Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Name * Email * Comment 163 responses Jaci Rangel says : February 3 , 2017 at 6 : 14 pm I dreamt that 's was in a boat surrounded by at hundreds of dead and dying alligators and crocodiles . . What does this mean ? Reply Shelly McDonald says : January 25 , 2017 at 3 : 42 am I had 2 bad dreams last night . The 2nd was the worst . My boyfriend and I were at a place surrounded by flooded land and lots of people but it was a beach in the background . There 's an old slender man close by and he 's shaking his head no the entire dream . I have a home in this muddy water like a houseboat and one sides in the water . I tell him I 'm going to lose everything I own again . He said not this time and jumped in and swam over to it . We he jumped back in I 'm hollering no cuz all of sudden a huge alligator appears . I run out and the alligator turns towards me but as my boyfriend gets on the shoreline , it grabs him . It 's rolls and rolls him under the water . I see blood . Then alligator let 's him ago and let 's me get him and drag his lifeless body out of water . It never bit him . I gave him CPR and the old man 's still shaking his head no . Then he took a breathe . I hollered for someone to help . No one came . I cried and that man was still there shaking his head no . Reply Magpie says : November 29 , 2016 at 9 : 37 am I Dreamt the alligator was living inside me . And when I slept the alligator would leave me and kill others around me . Some people in the dream would point at my stomach and say " you 've got a predator there " . There where more perculiar parts to this dream but this is the most strange . Can anyone denote this ? Dream I was walking on a road in my neighborhood and noticed as I was walking I saw a baby alligator and as I looked around I was surrounded by bigger alligators so I stood there trying to see how I could escape but it was no way so I stood still and somehow my son was around and he was a younger boy and I told him to go get help for me . I was not scared but I just stood still and just waited but I woke up when my son went to get me help . What does this dream mean ? Reply Catherine Hunt says : November 12 , 2016 at 9 : 16 pm I dreamed last night I was driving and trying to figure out which way to go out of two ways . Instead of going right I made a left turn in my choice . It look like the way I was going was under construction work . I saw a construction worker and can I still go this way because I notice the construction going on . He told me yes I could go . As I was getting ready to going down that road an alligator jumped out . I told the construction worker there was an alligator . And he told me , he never knew about alligators being there . The construction worker saw the alligator too when it jumped out at me . What does this dream mean ? Reply Emeline says : October 26 , 2016 at 1 : 26 am Hi . I feel like so weird posting this but I 'm really curious ! Okay , so yesterday I dreamt that I & my older sister were confronted by our current boyfriends & we had to defend ourselves . Long story short , the fight ended with me pushing my boyfriend over a cliff & him holding on but then I saw this hair comb & I nudged his fingers off the cliff & he fell into a pit of water & alligators ! I realized there were lots of other men in the pit as well . I don 't remember what happened to my sister or if she pushed her boyfriend over too . I was never much of a dreamer until this past week . I started dreaming more frequently , scary dreams most of the time . This dream DEFINITELY creeped me out ! Never dreamt that I killed my boyfriend ever . We 've been together 4 years . Please , what could this dream possibly mean ? ? ? EmaJo Reply Bob says : October 23 , 2016 at 2 : 21 pm I had a dream where I was swimming in the ocean . A lake was right next and separated . I saw alligators and got to safety in the lake where there was supposed to be no alligators . I climbed out the lake and saw an alligator at the bottom . My sister was in the lake and there was one right by her . She couldn 't move for fear of being killed . Reply Eartha Smith says : October 17 , 2016 at 11 : 09 am Last night I had a dream that I was in dark water like an ocean . I didn 't have on my glasses and everything was dark and blury , I was was swimming and there were alligators near the edge of the water , in was swimming in the middle . I could tell I had a destination but I 'm not sure where in was headed . In the dream a stranger who could see the alligators came up to me and helped me maneuver through the alligators . I could feel them brushing across my foot and snapping at me they never bit me though . It was night time and the river 's slightly clear because I saw a small alligator and under it is a big white bluish snake . A guy caught the gator . The boat 's not moving but the gator and snake move synchronized . Reply Lisa says : September 21 , 2016 at 12 : 46 pm My dream was that an aligator or crocodile was in swampy water just under the surface . He kept trying to get me but only because his instincts were to eat and devour . He bit me but a couple saved me . They rescued me from him . I just remember surprise and fear as he came toward me . Then someone lead him to someone else . Another female who was in the water . We couldnt tell if she was alive but he started to chomp on her feet and she didn 't move . So the person who lead him to her just allowed him to eat her . Once i got away . I felt free . I felt relief and happy . I was young in the dream . Maybe a teenager . I was also very attracted to the male in the couple . We talked flirtatiously but i respected his other half . I have no idea what all this means . Reply Doll says : May 23 , 2016 at 1 : 56 pm I dreamed that me and my deceased grandmother went fishing . Which she or I never did or were even interested in . In my dream we were at this lake standing at the edge of the water . We were several feet from each other . And this alligator lunged out of the water grabbing her she screamed and was trying to get out of the water I ran towards her to pull her out . In my mind I saved her but in my dream I 'm not sure if I was able to . Me and my grandmother were very close . I was her only granddaughter and I miss her so much . Often thinking of her and wishing she were still here . She was 92 when she passed and I was with her holding her hand . Can someone please tell me what this means . Thanks Reply Louie says : March 16 , 2016 at 3 : 40 pm I dreamed that i had 2 pet snakes , rather big pythons and one of them got out of its cage . I found it in the back yard but an alligator had eaten it . Its tail was poking out . So i jumped on the alligator and then woke up . Reply Genevra says : January 24 , 2016 at 3 : 52 pm I don 't dream often , but wish I did of my two adult sons who died together 3 years , 4 months ago . Last night I finally had a dream of them , but not a satisfying one . My oldest son was outside the window in a boat . The alligator was swimming around his boat and I went to get something to scare him off . As I approached the window with a broomstick , the alligator managed to crawl into the house through the window . I started sparring with him with my broomstick , yelling for my younger son to please go get help . He didn 't seem inclined to do it in a hurry . Then I woke up , still sparring with this bloody alligator who was snapping at me . So my two deceased sons were in this dream , but I couldn 't actually talk to them or hug them . What do you think this means ? Thank you . Reply Irbin says : January 1 , 2016 at 7 : 50 pm I 've been dreaming of crocodiles and alligator latelty . With my previous dream , my sister , me and my brother were out of the field where white and huge crocodiles are around us . At first , we thought they weren 't a threat to us since they were not moving and were just staring at us , not until we 've reached the middle part of the place then they started to attempt at biting us , though none was bitten because we helped one another . Recently , just this moment , I woke up from a dream with an alligator . I was out with a guy stranger , he 's a bit old like father - ish , I didn 't know him but in my dream I felt so comfortable with him . We were going to a cheap restau where a line of people are waiting for their order , a vegetable which is sought after by the diners . I told him I don 't like it and should try something else , since there were a crowd of people of falling in line and were covering the table , we past through them to get a table and there I saw an aligator being displayed at one of the tables split half open with cheese and fries in it . I was so excited to taste one ! I told him to buy me that kind of food , he ordered and went to the cashier . And then I woke up . Reply Tiffany says : November 10 , 2015 at 11 : 43 pm I had a dream that my deceased grandmother and I was driving and down a road and then I seen all these lakes another all of a sudden my car turned into the lake and the lake started looking like a swap and my grandma said look at all those alligators . I was I don 't care about no alligators I getting us out of here . I never seen an alligator but that 's all she kept repeating and I kept swimming holding telling her I don 't care about that we are getting out of this lake . I pulled her out and tell her that I told her I told you I would get us out and not to worry about the alligators . She said yes you did . Reply Joanne says : October 27 , 2015 at 8 : 45 pm Hi , could you please tell me what my dream means ? I would really really appreciate it ! It starts out with myself I am springing out of water with big water whooshing sounds , like if I just straight up ( literally ) exploded and sprung out of the water very high . While I was springing out of the water 2 alligator / crocodiles were on each side of my body ( so me the middle ) and they were both snapping at me very viciously ! They never caught me because I flew too high out of the water ! Also I should mention right after they were snapping at me , I woke up to a phone call from my husband 's family members , his mother 's dad and sister ( I felt negative tension the whole time my husband was on the phone with them ) My mother in law and I do not get along , she is very threatening to our marriage ever since me and her son stuck together , got married and had a baby . We have to keep a safe distance from her as she is very manipulating to me and my husband , very bitter and maybe evil I feel like . She sees me as an enemy and wants only control , power over my family especially my baby but she acts very nice in front of me and pretends to be a friend . Could the dream be warning me about some ploy from her ? ? Please let me know ! Thank you so much ! We lived around a bunch of alligators in / under water … One day we went to the house and there was a really big one that somehow I knew was dangerous . I told my daughter to stay here ( at the house ) . It began chasing me . I was scared but somehow I knew where to lead it . I ended up leading it to a big dark black nothing area . I swam as close as I could possibly get to the blackness and quickly turned around . And then a huge yellow fish came up / out of the dark and got the alligator … I woke up What does this mean ? I know it means something . It woke me up out of a dead sleep . The yellow fish was bigger than the alligator but looked harmless . Reply Katlyn says : August 30 , 2015 at 5 : 32 am So my boyfriend is in the national guard and I had dream last night that I was entering it as well . We were standing on a dock with a couple of other people looking into this murky brown river and their were alligators every where . I remember being petrified because everyone else jumped in except me and him and I had my back up against this wall just watching them swim and I was just so scared . I get scared just thinking about it . when I was younger my dad tried to swim across the river and he met a gator face to face and swam away . I don 't know if this has anything to do with it but I hate thinking about this dream and I wish I could understand it Reply Monse says : August 20 , 2015 at 5 : 47 pm I had I dream the I rode the alligator to a family reunion at the lake . Had an argument with my sister and took my step dad 's horse home . But I had to take the alligator back home . Therefore my boyfriend put him in the car and we drove back home . Reply Dionne says : August 11 , 2015 at 3 : 44 am Please help ! This dream terrified me ! I had a dream I was walking under a city bridge after a horrible traffic incident with a crazy truck driver . I decided to walk and look for the police to report the truck drivers reckless driving . While walking under the bridge i slipped and feel in what appeard to be a small pond from rain water . While in the pond trying to swim out I noticed a hidden 5 foot alligator . At this moment the dream started to feel real ! Once the gator realized I was there trying to get out of the pond of water it came for me forcefully . I was almost away but as I proceeded 5 more gators appeared and 3 attaked me . One of the 3 got me pretty good , grabbed a whole ofsaidand started dragging me back to the water to the point I almost gave up , but something in me said keep fighting ! As I fought , I kept asking myself , " Is this a dream , this isn 't a dream this is real " . This talking went on the entire time . The dream felt real ! However , I believed in my heart that I was not going to let that gator take me under . Something was trying to stop me from yelling for help as well but eventually my voice came back and I wsa able to yell but not to my full capacity . Eventually , my intrapersonal talk provided me enough encouragement and strength to break free from the gators . I climbed out of the pond and laid above on the side of this area located under the bridge in the city . I laid their recovering and as I laid I notice I eas next to a tent . A woman and her son were in there talking . The woman said , " I think the gators got something to eat , lets go see " . It was like that pond was her gator farm . After I woke up and I am still a bit freaked out . Normaly when I have dreams that feel real something significant happens in my life . Reply bhavleen says : June 17 , 2015 at 3 : 00 am I dreamt of a place filled with snakes of all sizes . trying to save myself from them i climbed something and saw and aligator over it and climbed back down … It attacked me . . It was in size … I get hold of its mouth closed in my hand and threw ut away … What does all this mean … Reply Tammy says : May 25 , 2015 at 6 : 40 pm I dreamed I was on my way somewhere and had to go back to get a few things . I wanted to feed the kids before we left so they would not be hungry and so for some reason I looked in the freezer of my brother that I had not talk to in a few years . It switched over to us all leaving meaning me and the kids . Along what appeared to be a beach front or lake front shore was hundreds of alligators a sure wanting to be feed , I do think there was someone there throwing food out to them . None came to shore or tried to attack but seemed very scary and hungry . Anyone know what this may mean ? Reply Anita says : May 17 , 2015 at 8 : 45 am In my dream i saw i am on a holiday . I am on a small hill top and looking at the scenary around it . I see that there are many green color alligators n crocodiles in the water below nicely swimming . I am watching them from a small hill top . In my dream i am not even 1 % scared . In fact looking at them i feel like taking a pic of them from my mobile handset camera . But i think in my dream that while taking a pic my camera will fell down so i choose not to take a pic . Reply Kim says : May 10 , 2015 at 11 : 03 am I dreamed that my ex boyfriend of 5 years was in my dream … I was at work . Then it was like I was outside and there popped up out of nowhere a huge alligator . It wasn 't moving . So my dad gets brave and goes to pick it up and throw it out the window . There is water and land below it hits the water … And it lives . Reply Julie says : May 4 , 2015 at 9 : 16 pm My dream involving alligator : it was a huge alligator kind of friendly making weird faces then I realized it was giving birth a cute baby alligator was born and came up like a cute puppy . . However this dream was scary later on in the dream there was a man who jumped out of a window and a nun which had a black cross I woke up very frightened and confused … . Can anyone help make sense of this weirdness ? ? ? Reply Ryan says : May 4 , 2015 at 10 : 44 am I had a dream last night of my brother and father swimming in a big pond , as they jumped in , these alligators swarmed them . I stood in the distance screaming at them to get out . I grabbed the closest thing to me to throw in the water to distract the animals so my father and brother could get away . it was a bottle of bbq sauce . As I did that it lured one away . But before I knew it , one of the alligators jumped out of the water Nd bit my brothers arm off , then another ripped my father 's face in half . Then they were dragged into the water as I watched . In the dream I went and told my wife what had happened . I was crying in the dream but not the way I would have imagined . I was fairly calm . And I kept on wanting to get my gun to get revenge on the alligators but for some reason , I just could not get it . Can someone please tell me what this could possibly mean ? It has been bothering me really bad . An Alligator turned up in my dreams last night for the first time I can recall . I am a pretty vivid dreamer . In my dream , I was riding a bike on a familiar , bumpy dirt road . My spouse was riding behind me in his car . It was a nice day and I was feeling good to be back in this place that I love and miss dearly . The car seemed to be catching up to me and this alligator slowly shows it 's appearance from the side berry bushes and foliage . At first I am not afraid ( I generally like alligators a lot ) , but I am weary and wanting to be careful not to hit the alligator or encourage it to chase after me . It does chase after me although still seeming playful rather than predatorial or aggressive in it 's pursuit . I can see the alligator to the side and my spouse in the car behind me . Then , I suddenly have my cat in my arm and I am feeling very concerned and anxious and start to try and go faster so that the alligator does not get my cat . I become VERY terrified . Reply Mandy says : April 1 , 2015 at 6 : 28 am I had a dream that my daughter and I were riding in a a small boat out in the swamps of Louisiana and from afar I saw us coming up to an alligator . As the alligator sunk under water I sunk down in the boat to almost kind of hide because I was afraid the alligator was going to try to get in the boat . My 4 - year - old daughter was in the dream but she looked to be about 2 when in my dream . As I predicted , the alligator did jump on half the boat tossing my daughter into the swampy water . The alligator then got off the boat and I reached for my daughter as she was trying to swim to the surface . The alligator grabbed her by her foot and I dove in on top of the alligator and began punching and trying to stab its eyes to get it to let go of my daughter . The alligator then took off with my daughter under water with lightning speed and I got back into the boat and the boat driver tried to go as fast as it could after the alligator but the alligator kept going faster and farther away . That 's when I woke up with tears . And prayed to not have dreams like that . If anyone can help me define what this dream means I would really appreciate it . I do Not want anymore dreams like that . I woke up with tears . Reply Shakira says : March 11 , 2015 at 3 : 13 am I dreamed of being at an unknown location and helping a guy skin an alligator what could that mean ? Reply Samantha says : February 11 , 2015 at 4 : 03 pm I dreamt an alligator was coming at me , I was frightened ( of course , it 's a gator ! ) . I did not know what to do so I grabbed a glass vase and encased his jaws ? So the gators mouth is now enclosed within the vase . I wasn 't bitten , just scared . Reply Margaret says : February 8 , 2015 at 5 : 54 am Hello there . The croc , actually alligator , I dreamt about last night was definitely trying to get me . For some reason we had an alligator caged in our bedroom and just at the ' snout end ' of the cage was the door to the en suit bathroom . At first this alligator seemed placid enough to a point where my daughter took it out on a leash ( chain ) for a walk . I was nervous about it , especially when they posed together for a photo , cheek to cheek sort of thing . I was terrified it was going to snap at her and insisted that the alligator be put back in the cage . That is when I was suddenly alone in the room with the alligator on my way to the bathroom and , it was trying it 's hardest to get out . The nearer I got to the bathroom and it , the harder it tried , Eventually , it did escape , breaking the most pathetic little wooden peg lock in the process to achieve it 's freedom and , that folks is when it came after me with gusto , I then woke up . Colours in the dream … . bedroom and bathroom a light beige ( yuck ) and the gator was grey . The trees etc while walking the gator were normal . green . Thanx a million if you can help xx I dreamed that I was about to go to sleep and I was on my bed when I heard something under the bed and I look down and there was a alligator . I kept telling everyone to catch it and kill it but they kept telling me they were worried it would die . yea how weird . And I was crying in my dream and in real life I felt my tears . I was so scared in and out the dream . Reply Lula says : January 28 , 2015 at 11 : 46 pm Okay so I had this really weird dream , me and my girlfriend were cuddled up in my bed and I felt something on my back and I looked . A huge alligator claw was trying to attack me . We ran out into my living room where my sister was pouring a glass of milk , the TV was on and when I told her there was an alligator under my bed she laughed . My girlfriend was all panicky and I kissed her to try and calm her down and she got all nervous and said my parents might of seen . All of this was so vivid when I woke up I had to check there wasn 't an alligator under my bed . I 'm REALLY confused can someone explain ? Reply Jeanette says : January 22 , 2015 at 3 : 16 am I have had this dream twice already in less than a month . My dream consisted of seeing a small crocodile and a boa snake at the same time , but they were under my mother 's bed . I was only able to see half of the crocodile 's body and only saw the snake 's body but did not see its head . But i wasn 't afraid at all in both dream . Then out of no where i end up outside my grandmother 's apartment building . What would this dream mean ? Reply Crystal says : January 16 , 2015 at 5 : 19 pm I had a dream a young child was in the water by an alligator . I started screaming to get her out and who the parent was while I was running down to get her out . As I started hitting te alligator I realized it was not real . Someone had made it out of scrap although it moved all the same . Reply Jay says : January 6 , 2015 at 11 : 24 am I dreamed that I was in water floating . Peacefully . I looked over and an all white croc or gator was staring at . Didn 't move just stared . I woke up immediately . It scared me The first dream I was inside a house doing someone 's hair . I am a hair stylist and we were watching two larger than normal alligators fight each other . My client ( whom I don 't know ) was frightened . I was not , I was mesmerized by how enormous they were and felt they were fake . The second dream , I remember being in the river swimming , I seen there was an alligator close so I got into a canoe . I watched it swim toward the shore and a Rottweiler and a beagle type dog were near another canoe . The gator went to grab the rotti and I was screaming . He pulled the rotti under but the other dog barked and aggravated the gator that he came after him . I kept wondering what happened to the dogs and was sad . Reply nisha says : November 30 , 2014 at 8 : 11 am A few months ago , i had i dream that i was in the woods barefoot with a long white gown on . I walked toward a large lake and began to walk across it . There were giant alligators who were fighting each other and others were watching me . I made it across unharmed . What does this mean ? Reply juan says : November 25 , 2014 at 1 : 19 am last night I am in a swimming pool ( seems like i am standing on water ) , i saw an alligator and snakes and fishes moving towards me . and then i killed the alligator by smashing his head and then he broke into pieces . the medium - sized snake was also killed . also i get rid of small fishes ( seems like i am cleaning the swimming pool ) . what does it mean ? Reply Brian says : November 18 , 2014 at 12 : 57 pm In my dream , I was walking along side a river that I 've fished before as I take a stare unto the river I see a swarm of alligators swimming away from the shoreline as I 'm walking … . what does that mean ? Anyone ? I had a dream that I was walking towards a pool of water and I saw a crocodile approaching me when I tried to step into the pool . However it stopped when I moved away from it . When I tried to step in again , it approached me again and this time had a huge one eye staring at me . I ran away from the pool and it came out of the water running after me . I tried running down a circular staircase and it jumped down in front of me . I tried climbing back and it jumped back in front of me , and than I woke up . Reply VK says : November 5 , 2014 at 11 : 14 am I dreamt of crocodiles attacking my dead grandparents . The dream started with a happy tour to a zoo where animals are kept in their natural habitat . We decide to check out the lions but end up at the crocodile pond . We were standing at a distance and suddenly I notice my grandparents ( dead ) standing by the side of the pond looking at the crocodiles . All was peaceful when suddenly a crocodile suddenly appeared from the land and decided to attack my grandparents who were walking back towards us . Due to the noise the crocodiles in the water also decided to attack . I grabbed a white towel rapped it on my arm and ran towards them to save them . But when I reached them I could see the animal . My grandparents did not call out for help , neither were they in pain . There was no bloodshed either . what does this mean Reply Jackie says : October 28 , 2014 at 4 : 01 pm I just forced myself to wake up from a dream where I was being chased by an alligator . I was in a house and noticed it was under a bed creeping out slowly . When it saw that I noticed it trying to creep from out under the bed , it opened its mouth and began a full out pursuit of me ! I was scared to get bitten ! I 'd run behind objects right before it snapped at me ! Seems like any object I placed between us wasn 't strong enough to hold it back . There was particularly a wooden , white door that wasn 't particularly sturdy that I closed in hopes of finally escaping , but the alligator slammed into the door with great force pushing the door slightly open ! I pushed back but the alligator had a bit more strength than me . Before the door gave away , I woke up ! I thought , I was tired of being chased so I woke up ! What does this mean ? Reply TK says : October 20 , 2014 at 6 : 51 pm I had a dream of my signifcant other and I were in the water surrounded by alligators . None of them attacked us but continued to circle around us . What does this mean ? Reply Angel Lake says : October 7 , 2014 at 4 : 33 pm Recently , my ex - husband with whom I have children with moved back to our hometown . We were involved in a very violent and dark abusive marriage for well over 10 years . We have been divorced for 8 years and he has no visitation with our children must less pay for any child support . In the past couple of weeks , I was made aware of a serious drug problem he has developed and causes violent mood swings . I thought to myself , this is just great , he doesn 't need help with his mood swings and deceptive behavior . However , given our past , I now somewhat fear a man who I have already overcome fearing once before . We do not speak ( if we can help it ) and I make a point not to see him in fear of bringing up a dark personality and potential harm it could bring one another . He made a statement to our boys that he doesn 't want to know where we live or see me and I am perfectly fine with that but find it hard to believe . Mindful , he is a very dark person himself , manipulative in many concerning ways . Last night , I dreamt of confronting him about his problems and remember specifically him telling me he couldn 't stop because it taste so good . I also remember being in a house secluded in the woods near a pond . As we were walking out , I saw a rather large white alligator who saw me but ate my ex - husband . In the same sentence , I saw another alligator much larger than the white one who appeared to be normal but large alligator who ate the white alligator . I then woke up , confused , but somewhat at peace and now this dream is getting to me . Can anyone help explain this to me ? Reply Amy says : September 27 , 2014 at 4 : 50 am Ok . . . weird dream . I was in an unknown house sitting on the couch . I looked down and near the end and just under the coffee table were about 8 to 10 geckos just lying together . Then I looked over to my left just a little bit because I saw movement coming from under a blue blanket and someone freaked out but I was curious . Just as I reached to look under the blanket , a baby alligator came out . I picked it up and it immediately snuggled under my chin and was content like a little kitten or puppy . I swear I didn 't eat anything close to bedtime . . . lol Reply Bridget Milliken says : September 15 , 2014 at 9 : 41 pm I dreamed there were many alligators . I was not afraid just aware . The environment was theirs swampy but they aware of me didn 't care either . We coexisted . . , , Reply vicky says : September 13 , 2014 at 5 : 57 am I just dreamt that my spouse jumped into a lake to retrieve a floating device . When I looked in I saw 4 of his friends in there . As soon as I noticed this I screamed alligators ! That is when about 4 appeared . As he is swimming fast with the flotation device on top of him he makes it to the side but it is a steep side up so he makes it half way before these alligators or crocodiles devour into his legs . I start to try and help him then realize I could be a goner too and we have children . When I looked up for ppl to help me get up and to help me help him , they just put a hand but moved it quickly after pulling me up just a little bc they were all watching him get tore up . Idk if he dies in my dream bc I couldn 't turn around to see anymore then I woke up . Reply kzg says : September 12 , 2014 at 2 : 43 pm Well were to begin . My special friend had a dream of a colorful aligator approaching her . She felt worrried , intrigued , scared . A few days later she met me . Once she saw my tattooes she became sick tk the stomach and a bit amazed . She associated that dream to meeting me a tattooed colorful aligator . Waht can thia mean . She has complained of anger building up inside of her and now associates me to being a liar . No I 've never lied to her either . Reply kristi says : September 6 , 2014 at 8 : 06 am So , in my dream the alligator really liked me . I have 2 doggies whom are mini doxies . Mostly , I was not comfortable with the obsessed alligator because I didn 't want him to eat my pups . One section in the dream alligator was snuggled up to me lovingly while my puppies were scared snuggled on the other side . I wouldn 't let my dogs touch the floor and had to trick the gator into going outside . He just wanted to be near me and didn 't understand why I was shutting him out . I didn 't want him killed ; just wanted him taken away so my babies were safe . Don 't get the meanings . Last night i dreamt that my sister was attacked by an alligator . I was in inside a building and i was warning her to stay away from the water . As she was walking away the alligator began follwing her . I yelled at her to run and the alligator began chasing her I thougt she almost got away but the alligator grabbed her by the hand and dragged her in the water . It began doing the death roll spinning her around in the water i panicked I ran down to protect my sister a few friends helped me and she survived . Reply Stephanie says : August 23 , 2014 at 2 : 39 pm In my dream , my siblings and I were down by the shore . The water didn 't appear to be deep at all . My brother fell in and I reached in to grab him . I pulled him out and reached for something that was left in the water . All of a sudden an alligator jumped out of the water , biting down on my arm multiple times and in different places . The alligator then tries to drag me in the water . My siblings and the alligator are now playing tug of war with my body . The alligator then gets tired of the fight and recedes back into the water . I fall on my siblings and I have gashes all over my right arm . Before anything else could happen I woke up . What could this dream mean ? Reply Kim says : August 17 , 2014 at 3 : 23 am My dream has a few confusing components . An alligator was hiding in a kitchen cupboard in my new apartment ( which I do not have at the moment ) . I had to lay still on the upper backside of my couch while it was trying to get under the couch ( ? ) but was so large the couch was about to tip it over . I was deciding whether or not to make a run for the door ; then all of the sudden a man was there to capture him for me and I was out in the hallway . In doing so he discovered a large snake inside a decorative sea shell in my apt & said that is what the alligator was after . While he was removing the snake the gator came out again so he sent in a dog which viciously started barking at the gator until it went back into the cupboard … . then i woke up . The dog was not a threat , it was helping . And the snake never seemed to be an actual threat either … . Reply Fernando says : July 27 , 2014 at 11 : 57 am i dreamt that i had a baby alligator inside my right arm . Initially i wasnt sure why my arm was swollen and in pain . Especially when i was trying to bend my arm . Then my uncle decided to get a knife and slice my arm to reveal a baby alligator in my arm . Im really wasnt sure if it was dead but i assume it was . This dream has been bothering me ever since i dreamt it a week ago . Reply Nez says : March 18 , 2015 at 2 : 59 pm Hello ! I have the same dream last night . But not only 1 aligator in my right arm . And i have 1 too in my jaw . Thought its just a simple insect bite but when i started to touch it moved and a friend of mine helped me get rid of the creatures … . I wonder what it means ! Reply Sandra says : July 22 , 2014 at 2 : 26 pm I had a dream that I was with a good friend outside on a balcony type thing . I 'm talking to my female friend and noticed a medium sized crocodile or alligator . My female friend warned me about the reptile and told to wall away from it as it was trying to bite me I then ran into the house . During the dream I saw a river flowing and kids were swimming in the river and I saw alligators sleeping in the water , I was able to see alligators because water was crystalline and at the side of the river were alligators sleeping also . None of this alligators tried to harm any one . Later , I was sleeping with my family in a room , when I stand up I saw 2 alligators sleeping there too with us in the room . I took my child and put in bed with us to wait until alligators woke up . I tried to block their path but they manage to walk around the chairs I put and start walking outside towards the river . The first one which was the smaller , went out and during his way out he saw a sheep and just grabbed it with his mouth and then after a few steps he put it down and kept walking towards the water . The big alligator woke up and it stood up on his back legs like he was looking me . Then he started to yawn and started walking towards the door and just looked back and kept walking looking at me and my family . He went out and got into the river again . And I woke up . Please reply . Reply Contractor says : July 13 , 2014 at 7 : 22 am Last night I dreamed my girlfriend and I was in a room hotel like with double beds but we were on separate beds but the beds were in the middle of an alligator pit with 100 's of gators swimming underneath the beds . None attacked us but there was no way out also as we were dead in the middle of it . What does that mean ? Never dreamed of Alligators before . Reply alberto says : July 13 , 2014 at 6 : 25 am I dreamt last night that I was in unclear , dirty alligator water with a couple of people . The water was fast moving and I was looking for something that I did not find . I was moving fast because I felt so scared of being eaten by an alligator . Reply Gabe says : June 17 , 2014 at 5 : 53 am In the dream I had my friend and I were at a Chinese spa and I spotted an alligator . It looked nice and I told my friend to leave it alone because it looked peaceful and relaxed because she kept trying to scare it away and kick water at it and it wouldn 't move till finally it did move until I told her one day it won 't be pretty when you mess with the wrong one . Then she said to me I 'm not scared watch this and she dives in then the next thing I know that alligator is moving close to me and I don 't know how I got that close but for some reason at first the alligator bump its nose to my shoe and I didn 't think it was going to harm me then I hurried up and tried to climb up and the edge of the ground broke off and I slipped kind of back in and two more appeared but this time they were closer to me watching me grinning and smiling big and I felt ambushed because I felt I was going to be attacked in just a short bit and I woke up . What could that mean ? Or symbolize ? Reply Angela says : June 16 , 2014 at 10 : 03 am In my dream I was like at a reptile park and there was a bridge and as I crossed it a huge alligator came up to eat my dog and I grabbed my dog and gave him to my husband it bit my toe . My husband told me I was lucky because there was someone who worked there to handle the situation . But in my dream I was nervous but felt like I had control and then we went to another exhibit and and alligator crawled up my back and laid on me . He was heavy it was hard to breathe but again I felt no harm but I was in control of the situation . What does this mean and by the way my dog died a year ago Reply Steph says : June 13 , 2014 at 8 : 43 am I dreamt that me and my boyfriend were in a car and suddenly he sees an alligator and decides he should go play with it even when I told him not too and then his foot gets bit off and I hear myself telling him I told you not to play with the alligator but I 'm in shock and I don 't really do anything except stare at him on the floor bleeding from his foot until someone else calls the ambulance . I know weird but could I please get the meaning to this dream ? I don 't understand . Reply Towmeah says : June 8 , 2014 at 10 : 43 am I had a dream I was getting ready for my day ran the walk in shower and an alligator was in there . When I wen to the sink their a baby one was playing . The big one made a noise an d exit through the heat vent while the baby jumped on me and held on then made an exit . Reply Melanie says : June 4 , 2014 at 9 : 37 pm I often have dreams where I 'm a 3rd person spectator , watching things happen to other people ( Almost as if I 'm outside my body and watching a movie ) In this dream , I was watching a boy swim across a lake , when suddenly 7 large crocodiles popped up from the surface and started swimming all around him and beside him . I remember watching from the shore , afraid he would be attacked . Then I woke up . Reply Carmen Lombardi says : June 1 , 2014 at 2 : 41 pm Last night I had dreamt about me being being in a large Department store warning everyone about seeing an aligator roaming around and no one is paying no mind to what I am saying In the dream I hear the aligator growling and so I am telling everyone to wat h out cause its around I see myself sitting on a seat in a way that the aligator doesn 't seen my legs nor feet . Then the aligator growling gets lodder and louder to where I am . Just the same I seen myself running away from the aligator but it finds me . The people dont pay any mind to me and I find myseld near the aligator . Rhen I woje up due to hearing my boyfriend growling in his sleep . Reply Bobby Coles says : May 31 , 2014 at 4 : 19 am dream : Having to walk or otherwise navigate across a yard or room of small gators and or snake . Hopping from one piece of furniture to another to avoid reptiles on floor . Not big enough to kill me . But could maybe take off a toe or two . Even when not careful where I step , they won 't actually bite me . In the back of my mind a red angel named Raphael says he won 't let them bite . Reply Scared mom says : May 30 , 2014 at 8 : 05 am I had a dream where I was at the zoo . . my son is 11 was inside the crocs mouth just the head but I could see bite marks on other parts of his body . I went into the habitat an tried to get my son without causing more injury I couldn 't tell if my son was ok his eyes where closed and he wasn 't moving as I tried to remove my son the croc 's mouth the croc started slowly backing up to take my son into the water ( it 's like how they do in the wild ) I got the sense of he didn 't want to loose his " meal " … I was scared for my son 's life and my own the croc loosen his grip and I pulled on my son 's legs it almost looked like my son was split in 2 but just at his head . . I let go because I didn 't want to pull him apart then I woke up . Reply dreamer says : May 21 , 2014 at 1 : 25 pm Hello . I had a dream that i had a very big box and i put alot of tea in it . While i was mixing the tea and alligators head appeared . Getting scared i start to run away . I found a tree and picked up something to hit it on its head . I ran up a car and trying to stay away from the alligator i realized she was my ex girlfriend . It took me a while but i finally got down and told her i missed her very much . She was still in alligator form . Reply Jo says : May 2 , 2014 at 1 : 27 am I had a dream I was going down a slide and then at the bottom was an alligator . It scared me but i didn 't run away . It had teeth then the teeth disappeared and I just watched it look at me and then skittle off . ? Reply toya says : April 22 , 2014 at 12 : 14 pm In my dream alot of alligators is swimming around my sisters front door , but its like I live there . I just know it . Even though in reality I live about 50 miles away . We can 't get out the door . Then I pour bleach in the water and they all disappear . I Keep Having a reoccurring dream at the same house . ( which is now my sister 's , but I grew up in the house it was my grandmother 's , my sister inherited it ) that lions or in back of the house chasing us , even hyenas , racoons , killer monkeys in the trees . These animals always catch or we think kills a young child in our fam . But then we find the child alive . Reply Susannah says : April 21 , 2014 at 1 : 13 pm I had a dream I was in a big new modern home looking out from the pool deck . Then , I was down on the water shore of a jungle neighborhood with a large brown ( gorgeous ) alligator and I had it on a leash . I was dangling it and telling others it was okay ; the alligator was fine and I was fine . The I stopped and calmed the gator and we were cuddling and I was kissing and cuddling its face and mouth ! ! ! Reply Jacqueline Ross says : April 16 , 2014 at 12 : 24 am i had dreams of alligators occuring from past two days . the place is my room n too many alligators are moving here n there and i locked my room . and i sat in other room thinkin of what i should do . there is no one around and i am helpless and that moment when i got some sounds out of my main door , i opened it and saw tens of alligators roaming . i was horrified . Reply deidra says : April 11 , 2014 at 7 : 19 am Hello . In my dream my daughter and I were swimming in a beautiful exotic lake in another country . We were just traveling and exploring . We were in deep water with no problems but when we became tired we started to swim ashore . We both commented on how rocky the shore had gotten from the time we fire got in the water until the time we got out but didn 't really pay it attention . wle sitting on the rocks i saw the rocks start to move and realized it was an alligator . at first i was shocked and a little scared and panicked but i was able to calmly tell her to get to safety . As soon as she was safe it attacked me . i didn 't have anything to kill it with i don 't even think i wanted to i was just trying to shoo it away . While i was getting that one away from my left side another one popped up on my right side . Reply christopher says : April 6 , 2014 at 5 : 45 pm I dreamed that I was sitting in shallow water in a canal in fl . Then an alligator swam up to me . I grabbed its nose and held its mouth closed as I drug it up to my front yard of my house . The alligator was about 6 feet in length . Then I let it go and ran int the house looking for duck tape because I knew I had to keep the mouth of it shut . It started getting darker outside . Then as I went back out side I noticed baby alligators ( about 3 ) running around in the mud puddle in my back yard . Two alligators attempted to get inside and one of them I crushed its head and killed it . The other ran underneath my sink cabinet in the kitchen . Then I woke up . Reply kathrine says : March 26 , 2014 at 1 : 56 pm Hi my dream is im in the pool side with my family and then the pool begins to fade . when i look at it there are fishes there . And when i look back on the ground i saw a giant alligator and its chasing people . And me and my family started to run . . the giant gator is huge and tall as tall as our house . Its crawling on the building all over the city . . what is that means ? Reply Jacky says : March 19 , 2014 at 12 : 56 pm My boyfriend had this dream couple of times already . He dreams that we are walking by a lake and in the lake there is alligators . I fell into the lake and he tries to save me , but I keep swimming around and try to climb up . He keeps telling me to give him my hands so he can help me , but I keep trying to climb on my own . I keep swimming around and he keeps telling me give me your hands give me your hands . He puts out his hands to help me and than the crocodiles just eat me . What does this mean ? And why does he keep dreaming this ? Reply Jodi says : March 16 , 2014 at 11 : 35 am I have a recurring dream : I 'm at a picnic . I see a small child playing near the edge of a lake . An alligator is lurking nearby …… nobody seems to notice but me . The alligator attacks the child , pulling him under water ( still , nobody notices but me ) . I jump in the water , wrestle the alligator , reach into its throat , pull out the child ( unharmed ) , and kill the alligator . The child returns to the picnic as if nothing ever happened ! Does anyone have an interpretation for my recurring dream ? Reply tore says : February 27 , 2014 at 10 : 32 am I had a dream I was in a hallway of sorts and there were alligators coming down the hallway in various sizes . I do remember trying to stab them but I had no knife . They were just cruising down the hallway , very friendly looking . It was very weird . Reply Yasmine says : February 17 , 2014 at 9 : 09 am I Dreamed That I Was Inside This Building That Had Sinked A Little Into The Ground & Had Become Flooded Not Knowing About The Alligators Walked Around Edges . Then All These Alligators Start To Appear , I Mean All Different Shapes & Sizes Even Some Of There Structures Looked Funny . & Basically My Dream Was Me Trying To Get Out The Building & Back To Land . But Alligators Were EVERYWHERE ! ! ! ! Reply Jessica says : January 21 , 2014 at 12 : 43 pm Hello … I had a dream last night that I was sleeping with crocodiles in my bed . I was scared they were going to bite me or kill me but they did nothing but just take up space and I would try and push them off the bed and they were so heavy they would not move . They were under the covers and over the covers and it was uncomfortable . Reply Christina says : January 17 , 2014 at 11 : 18 am I dreamt that I was riding a bicycle at night , with a lot of people on the back if it . We then saw some alligators circling around rain water . I tried to avoid them and slipped . I fought one of them off but it bit my left arm ( minimally ) and make it bleed . to make a long story short , i dreamed a crocodile was chasing me as well as every1 around me and biting them . i also sumhow lost a tooth in the process . the crocodile was always in water but runs after and attacks people around me but never caught me … any idea wat it means ? Reply Don C says : December 25 , 2013 at 9 : 12 am Don 't guite remember the whole dream . I know I was in a swap or jungle just exploring I guess and walking next to an alligator nothing happened I just continued to walk . It did appear that me and the gator had an understanding . Reply monica says : December 18 , 2013 at 11 : 40 pm I had a dream of me driving my car and my tire blew out , and some men pushed my car out of the road and down a hill which was near by a alligator pit . I was trying to escape from the alligators but was never bitten , but it just seemed like I could never escape from them . Then I woke up and couldn 't sleep for the rest of the night . Reply Shaundrae says : December 16 , 2013 at 11 : 26 am Had a dream of a white baby alligator and it was sweet as can be . My son fed him and walked with him and the only person that felt afraid was me . No one else . . It tried to attack me but when I jumped in my mothers arms , she fed him a corn dog and he went into the living room to relax . What does this mean ? Reply stephanie says : December 15 , 2013 at 3 : 21 pm I dreamt i kept going into a plant like area to grab the neck of a baby purple baby alligator whose mouth was wide open like after they jump out of the water but he was sittingstill . i think i came back or something , and then he was laying down in a relaxed fashion , looking straight ahead . mouth closed . what does this mean ? Reply Dee says : December 6 , 2013 at 9 : 59 am Hi . I dreamt I was swimming qith an alligator in a deep pond or river peacefully . At times I would graze him but I felt we were swimming together . Reply Krys says : December 1 , 2013 at 1 : 16 pm I dreamt that I was in the amazon with some people ( I have no idea who they were ) I was on a raft made of wood , but I was on it floating down the river , but I was floating on the river ON TOP of all these alligators , there were so many . I was naturally afraid , but then snakes where there too . Black snakes everywhere like the alligators . Then it was as if a claw came from behind me and went to claw my neck , but I turned away from it and then I woke . Reply Jj says : November 24 , 2013 at 1 : 58 am I dreamt that I was in the living room and saw one small . Alligator laying still on a table … Then another small alligator across the room . Both by bananas . I got up to get something like a heavy fluffy towel to throw on them to cover them so they would not move . When I went into the bathroom there was a slightly larger one on the sink . I looked back into the living room and I could not see the first two . I no longer had my contacts in , so everything was blurry . I yelled out to my cousin and her boyfriend in a room upstairs But my mouth was filled with something and I couldn 't make a sound . So I started to bang on their door . One alligator from the living room was right by my feet at the top of the stairs by my cousin 's room door . I thrown the towel on it and it squirmed . My cousin stepped out and I still could not speak , yet she understood me . I asked her to call her boyfriend out and I told them about the alligators . They did not make a move . The alligator from the bathroom had jumped down from the sink and I ran . The other I threw the towel on tore some of the towel to pieces , and chased me as well . I was horrified ! I woke up breathing heavy Reply Lunga S says : November 13 , 2013 at 10 : 50 am I dreamnt i was in my late grandmother house that i have visited in the past 21 years , and i was with my two children , when i saw the alligator behind the house , it was just looking but i was scarred . I asked my daughter to put something under the door and lock all doors . The Alligator came around to the front door and stood on its back feet and forcefully bend open the burglar bar and came to my room passing my daughter in the dining room . I woke up as it stirred at me and my son . Reply Marcus says : November 13 , 2013 at 6 : 41 am My dream started in a caged area where alligators are kept in captivity . Well the alligator trainer said shell start me off with a small one first , then brought a mid sized alligator out . Then all of a sudden it escaped through a hole in the fence and started chasing my family members , the trainer was not surprised and she almost looked like she was expecting this . Then my dream shifted and I was outside the cage at my cousins house and it was chasing me , I tried climbing in a car , it caught up to me , then I climbed a tree and it grew , then I I hoped on a tractor and was safe . All through the dream I felt excited and cheerful . Lol . Never in fear . Reply Lens says : October 30 , 2013 at 3 : 59 pm Last night I dreamt I was in a swamp with two people . It was a nice area and me and this girl were on a wooded path crossing over the water . The boy of the group was near the shore trying to climb up a rock formation . I calmly and half jokingly asked the girl if she saw any gators and she said yes . I looked and I could see the eyes just above the water watching the boy . The girl and I began to yell , warning the boy of the danger but he didn 't listen and stepped into the gator 's path . The alligator jumped up and snapped at the boy 's legs sending him into the air . I covered my eyes and ran to get help . The rest of the dream consisted of me trying to find help to no avail . Reply Marta says : October 5 , 2013 at 11 : 23 pm Hi , I had a dream in which my children where playing outside the backyard , but it was a beach , instead of the usual stuff , in my dream I told my dad , we shouldn 't leave outside like that , she said they were fine , when I looked again , the bottom " sand " was scaly and than I saw a croc comings towards them , I called for them and they coe inside , so did the croc after me , and i climbed the table , I called for my father again , and he grabbed it by the tail , and threw it out , when I looked back there p were a few more black crocks but they all turned away and left . The rest of the dream I was in water , than it tunerd into . Birthday party … and it was close to when I woke up it got confusing and I woke up . Could you help me I have vpbeen so worried , since I read it could be bad luck . thank you Reply Ameera says : September 25 , 2013 at 4 : 28 pm I had a dream that me and my sister was cleaning out my closet and came across a lizard of course the lizard started running . Then when I went in the kitchen an alligator was in the middle of the kitchen floor . What does this mean ? Reply Jennifer says : September 19 , 2013 at 11 : 40 am I dreamt that my son was in an empty pool and there was an alligator , maybe more than one . I was standing on the side screaming at him to get out when the alligator came up and bit him across the back . I am still screaming but no sound is coming out , and my husband is screaming at my son for being dumb and getting in the empty pool . Reply Susannah says : April 21 , 2014 at 1 : 22 pm Oh , I was hold the big gator and telling its mouth everything was fine . Don 't worryI said . And I was baby talking it to calm it . I didn 't seem to be afraid , as though I had it under control . Reply Lorie Williams says : September 7 , 2013 at 10 : 00 am I dreamed I was walking beside the lake with my mother who died in 2010 . She said theres an alligator in water and we saw the nose then I said lets go the alligator came out of the water and was coming after me as I was walking backwards . I told my mom to run away and she was behind me . As I was walking backwards away with the alligator persuing me I noticed it was shiny magenta color alligator . Reply Halley says : September 6 , 2013 at 9 : 01 pm In my dream , I was with my sister along with other people that I can 't remember , and we were swimming in the ocean . Then all of the sudden , a very huge crocodile - really huge ! ! I only saw the head and it 's really big ! Like the head of dinosaur . And it really confused me how come there 's a crocodile in the ocean . Then it swallowed a guy who was swimming . I was so afraid , . I 've been shouting and calling my sister but I can 't see her . Although , I think I heard her answer to my call but I can 't see her . Reply Aisha says : August 5 , 2013 at 2 : 10 pm My friend dream she was by the beach and the sea was rough and muddy . Then there was a big frog on the beach and then an alligator came and swallow the frog . What does that mean ? Reply Kay says : July 30 , 2013 at 12 : 20 pm I sometimes dream that I 'm swimming in a very deep , very large pool , but there are at least a dozen alligators there with me . They are in the water and on the ground surrounding the pool . It 's usually around dusk , but when I 'm swimming I can see the alligators perfectly . I never have a feeling of fear , just caution , even though they never pay any attention to me . The alligators themselves hardly move , every now and then one or two will be swimming at the same time , but my head is usually out of the water if any of the alligators are actually swimming . Reply Chris says : July 25 , 2013 at 11 : 26 am I had a dream that I saw an alligator on a rocky shore trying to eat a cat . So I went down to the shore and began to fight the alligator to release the cat . I killed the alligator by bashing its head in and removed the cat . I cannot recall if the cat lived however . Reply Lauren says : July 22 , 2013 at 6 : 21 am In my dream there were two gators . They were standing on hind legs , walking through town eating every creature . Police tried to kill them , but they were eventually all eaten . Me and a small group of ppl were backed into a fence , throwing licorice to them to eat . Just before we ran out of candy , my supervisor walked up , very non chalant , and started to handle the gators , by feeding and trapping them . I woke up , and didn 't finish the dream . But I did SEE any humans hurt . Just animals . But I assumed in my dream ppl were dead . Help ! What is that ! ? Reply Confused says : July 19 , 2013 at 2 : 42 pm I had a dream that I was pregnant and that me and a couple of friends who I can 't recall in the dream were about to get attacked by an alligator . We were on the floor of a house trying to crawl away and I was having difficulty getting up as it was advancing toward us . I finally got up and climbed on top of a table , but it attacked and swallowed them whole as I screamed for them to hurry and get to higher ground . Reply Donna says : July 18 , 2013 at 1 : 24 am I dreamed I was at my sisters house and she had 3 rattlesnakes . 1 was eating an alligator . There was a Rottwieler that was really scaring me . Reply Kiana says : July 5 , 2013 at 12 : 40 pm I dreamt there was a few alligators and one of them was giving birth . And I tried to kill the alligator but I was also running away from it . It would just sit behind the wall waiting for me . Reply Dog and Music Lady says : June 15 , 2013 at 7 : 05 am I just had a dream that my dog was laying outside in an unfamiliar place eating a platter of food ( steak and bread which I would never normally give her ) . She was no more than 3 feet away when all of a sudden we noticed an alligator swimming just below the surface of some water that was between me and her . We knew the second dog had been outside somewhere and started screaming for both dogs to come inside . A baby alligator also appeared and both alligators went underneath the water . The second dog apparently was submerged under water and put her paw out of the water for me to grab onto ( though it looked like a baby human hand until I grabbed onto her ) . I grabbed her and started pulling her out of the water . As I was pulling her out , I looked up and the original dog that had been laying outside eating was gone . That is when I woke up . It was so odd but really freaked me out … Reply Too Many Alligators says : May 21 , 2013 at 11 : 31 pm Last night I had a dream that I was back in my home country with my family in our home . I was pregnant ( as I am now ) . However my son and fiance were not there . Also there was another couple whom I do not know but the woman was also pregnant and we were looking at or exchanging baby gifts . Anyway , while in my sisters bedroom I looked out the window and saw two caiman / alligators in my back yard , just sitting there . I ran to the front and told my dad who said he know because he just killed one . After a while alligators were coming in the house from all directions , seems like they were all coming to me ( not too sure ) . But I climbed on the kitchen table and had a stick where I was using it to keep them away by poking them in the eyes or mouth if they had it open . Suddenly , they just disappeared / went away . My family and I gathered in our yard and were talking . Then a siren ( like one for tornado warnings of something like that went off . My dad ushered us all in the house where we had to shut all the windows and doors . We all gathered in a bathroom and put on like oxygen mask . A glass dome thing then enclosed over the house and let out some sort of gas or something . I think like an sanitation or eradication method after having all those alligators on our property . We did not die or suffer any illness as a result of the gas . Reply Lucky says : May 9 , 2013 at 7 : 32 am In my dream I walked into a living room where a wholesome young family of three or , maybe four . I had to go through to leave their apartment through this room . As I walked through I saw there was a midsized alligator during in the middle of the room . The mother told me that it would not bite me , and even if it did it had no teeth . She said they had removed them . I was still afraid , but I had to pass it . It watched me , and it 's mouth hung open just enough that I could see it still had teeth . It did not snap , our bite at me and I made it out okay . I had the good sense to be aware of the dangers , but I didn 't get the sense it wanted to bite me . It just watched me … Reply Chris says : October 29 , 2014 at 10 : 30 am My dream was simple . My ex , who I 'm currently trying to work things out with , and I were walking towards a bridge where she pointed out an alligator by the water . We ignored it and began walking down the wooden bridge . I yelled " ill race you " and started running . The bridge began to shake a lot and my ex got scared so she jumped off into the water below us . Which was knee to waist high . She immediately realized about 12 alligators around her and began running to shore 10ft away . All the gators but 1 ran away . One chased her to shore as I ran to embrace her in my arms by the shore . The gator left us alone after that … Reply LILI says : October 30 , 2014 at 3 : 30 pm Can you tell me what my dream means … I dreamt that a big alligator was chasing me and my daughter in law … I was trying to protect her more than I so I had the alligator run after me so she can run to safety , the alligator ran after me but I wasn 't quick enough to lock the door . But than the alligator started talking I don 't remember the words , I just remember talking back and being more forceful than it . I woke up after that . Reply Bran says : October 24 , 2015 at 11 : 15 am I had a dream where I was with my brother and we Wer at our house but in the dream there was a basement with what seemed to be a pool of water which was overlooked by a balcony , looked more like a sewage area , my brother had said " hey let 's go see if there are some alligators " so we went down and got to the balcony , then I realized my brother was in the pool of water but on a small inflated tube , a big white alligator came and started thrashing him and he fell into the water , I remember having a gun but when my brother fell in I didn 't want to shoot . I had jumped into the water and I could see that he was sinking and the alligator had gotten him by his hand . And he started to scream furiously . I was swimming down so I could release his hand from the gators mouth but then another one started swimming towards me . . I remember feeling like I had no other choice so I did something which made sense at the time but now is wierd … I typed a couple bottoms or something and everything " turned off " . . Like if we in a game or something . . when I had " turned it back on " I could see my brother next to the pool of water sitting down and wet , with a bite mark on his hand , I thought he was fortunate cus I thought his whole hand would be gone . . Woke up right after that Reply Irbin says : January 1 , 2016 at 7 : 57 pm I also dreamt of white crocodiles with my younger brother . How is your relationship with your brother ? Because in my case we fought over a petty thing and he 's holding a grudge on me . Reply Plugue says : October 23 , 2016 at 3 : 18 pm My dream is about a giant alligator / lizard looking creature almost the same length as a mountain . The top of the mountain is a road wherein you see people . Then when the creature reached the road , he did not eat the people , he pushed them off the mountain gently . I was just observing this from a far .
|
She stood in the rain and shivered . She didn 't even notice . She was waiting . What for ? She couldn 't have said . She just stood there , waiting . It would happen soon . She would not be able to prevent it , even if she had wanted to . As it was she didn 't care . She didn 't know if it would be good or evil , beautiful or ugly , nice or bad . The rain got worse , it turned to sleet . She didn 't realize it . She was wet , completely wet , down to the skin . She didn 't notice . She was waiting . " You will catch your death of cold ! " someone shouted at her . Astonished , torn out of her dreams , full of amazement like a little child she looked at the stranger . Of undetermined age , he was neither handsome nor ugly . His beautiful dark eyes showed worry for her who was a stranger to him , and sorrow . Suddenly she smiled at him and hesitatingly he smiled back . The Cup For years it had been passed on through the family . It was tradition : every bride got the cup . Noone knew why , its history had long since been forgotten . It was simply a family tradition . Yet one day the son of the family married a foreigner and the young bride was given the cup . It wasn 't a pretty cup , it was made of clay , ancient runes carved around the rim its only ornamentation . Moreover it was slightly cracked and a little piece had been chipped off . The bride opened the parcel and marvelled . Young she was and foreign . Yet hadn 't she lost the ability to be in a awe , like a child she was . Carefully she let her fingers run over the runs and they talked to her : She smiled and filled the cup with water , pure water from a nearby spring . Slowly she walked through the rows of people and bade everyone drink . She handed the cup to the ladies and to the gentlemen , to the girls and to the boys , to the old and to the young . She even trickled a few drops onto the lips of the little baby sleeping in the arms of its mother . She herself , however , didn 't drink . Instead - after kissing her beloved once more - she broke the cup . Mutely I shake my head and leave . Outside it 's raining . At first only a few drops fall down , then it starts to pour . I lay back my head and open my mouth . Water ! Finally ! Here there 's enough . And I quench my thirst . I wake up . I am suffocating . I am hot . I am closed in by flames . Soon I 'll burn . No ! Water ! I cry for water . And it starts raining . The rain is getting warmed up by the flames , changes into steam and starts rising . I become light , really light so that the water and the air carry me with them . I float up high into the air , up to the clouds . Saved . Barely I can recognize the earth under me . I am suddenly afraid . I might fall . I get dizzy . Water ! I cry for water . And again it starts raining . I fall down to the earth , gently , with the raindrops around me . Soon I stand on the cool earth . Saved again . I walk a few steps , and then continue walking , comforted by the contact with the earth , our mother . She is dry , as is my mouth , completely dried out . I am dying of thirst . Water ! A third time I cry for water . And a third time it starts raining . It 's raining stronger and stronger . The water covers the earth . I can still stand . Soon it reaches up to my knees , to my hips , to my breast , to my chin . I let myself be carried by the water , giving over my body to the waves , becoming one with my element and passing over into complete harmony . I turned into water , caressed by the wind , warmed by the fire of the sun and held together by dams of earth . He strolled through town when a little shop captivated his attention . He couldn 't remember having seen it ever before . They sold mostly candles here . One of the candles - it was made of blue wax with a pattern of shells - took to him straight away . It seemed to call to him ; yet it wasn 't even burning . Before he could decide to enter the shop , the vendor , a young girl - neither pretty nor ugly - left the shop and gifted him with this one candle . He didn 't understand but he was glad . He hurried home ; barely arrived he alighted the candle . Never before had he seen a candle shine so vivid . All evening he didn 't need another light , it was so clear . He could have believed that it was talking to him ; it was just so extraordinary . But in the next morning he was so disappointed when he saw that the candle had burned down completely in just one , so short evening . He wanted to cry when he saw a sheet of paper exactly in the place where the candle had been . He didn 't know how it had come to be there but he was not surprised . There was but one sentence on the sheet : Only the candle has to die to spend light . Every day she would show him a new face . She knew how she could fascinate him , enchant him , bind him to herself . Ever stay a mystery , ever appear a new woman . Every day a new face . Often I tried to steer you there by my own questions but your questions were different , completely different . My world was not important for you . Yes , you took the time to listen to me but no matter what I told you , my world was foreign to you and kept foreign . Never have you found out how to react to it , how to experience my world . It was me who adapted to your world , who broadened my view and narrowed it , who learned and lost . But all the while it was you who claimed , who assured to learn from everybody . Else - so you said - a friendship was pointless . Thus our friendship was pointless for you . It hurts to hear this , from others - indirect , in pieces , like a mosaic . And again she sat at home waiting for a call that wouldn 't come . She had often vowed never to make this mistake again , but again and again she made it . At first she waiting full of anticipation , more and more discouraged as time wore on , she lay on her bed and tried reading a book which didn 't manage to captivate her attention anyway . Again and again she would look up from her book , cast a glance at the watch , look wistfully at the phone and finally return to her reading . It might be full of suspense but not suspenseful enough to keep her from thinking of the phone call she was expecting , this phone call that wouldn 't come . " No ! " a voice inside her suddenly screamed . It was enough . Three hours she had waited for that call that wouldn 't come . Outside the sun was shining . Suddenly determined she picked up her bag , stuffed her key and money into it and hurried through the door . She would enjoy the sun out in the open now . As she ran down the stairs she heard the ringing of the telephone behind herself . She didn 't care . She had waited long enough . Now she would enjoy life . So I am sitting here , completely renewed , waiting for something to happen . Waiting for the music that is suddenly resonating inside me , inside me and around me , to break my loneliness . Waiting for him to come , him , who is the other part of my soul , him , who possesses the same string as me , him , who this poem will touch as much as if he had written it . She wanted to understand . Who was he ? He had looked at her , had cast just a glance in her direction and he had seen her , really seen her . He had smiled , had walked towards her and had whispered to her , " Your eyes are beautiful ! " , before he had disappeared in the crowd . When they had met for the second time he hadn 't said anything , he had contented himself with smiling . She had smiled back at him but hadn 't dared to say anything for fear of breaking their silent companionship , for fear of destroying the soap bubble that separated them from the rest of the world , for fear of driving him away . Even so he hadn 't stayed long . Who was he ? Why was he coming to her ? She needed to know . She wanted to understand . Could she hope to see him again ? Perhaps even hope for a common future ? The next time she would do something . Third time is the charm . The third meeting was always fated to be the last one , the definite one if one wanted to keep one 's beloved . The next time she would hold him , ask him questions , tell him she had fallen in love with him without even knowing him . Yes ! He was here ! Near enough for her to touch him . She extended her hand and took his wrist . Her hand passed right through him . She held nothing but air . Slowly she walked through the rustling leaves that covered the ground like an ever - moving , golden carpet . The wind alternately blew her hair into her face and then again away from it . She lifted her face up to the sun and with an ecstatic expression she deeply breathed in the fresh air of October . In this one moment she was happy , absolutely happy . All her troubles were forgotten , her daily life was nothing for an instant ; she was pure happiness , harmony , ecstasy . She hadn 't paid the least attention to her surroundings and suddenly he was standing in front of her , he whom she greatly admired in secret , and yet feared a bit . He had seen that unguarded expression of utter happiness , she was sure of it . Her heart was beating as if it wanted to fly away . Just don 't show any weaknesses ! With a friendly smile she looked at him . " I like the wind and the sun . " she said breathlessly . " The wind - it reminds me so much of home . " As she felt he was waiting for something else , she added - purposely seemingly to overflow with happiness - " Isn 't life beautiful ? " Had she shown him a weakness now ? Had he seen through her ? Inwardly she was all in knots , outwardly , however , she kept her smiling façade . Unsure if she should expect a reply she stood tall , calmly waiting , head held high and looked him straight in the eyes . Inwardly she was trembling . Somehow she was hoping for a reply , something , anything , some kind of comment , maybe a question so she could explain , justify herself in a way . Yet at the same time she was afraid , afraid that he would ask her a question because she couldn 't have replied without a trembling in her voice , a betraying trembling ; and if he asked her something - whatever he might ask - she would tell him , everything . He kept silent , however . Aloof and unspeaking he looked at her , gazed deeply into her eyes as if he meant to hypnotize her . Gradually her smile lost its cheerfulness , then it disappeared altogether ; slowly she turned and watched him walk away through the rustling leaves and disappeared behind the trees . Foreign So dark and yet so light ! She didn 't belong here , not now , not ever . Eyes from fire were looking at her , holding her fast , banning her from her true place . Yet what was her true place ? She didn 't belong here , not now , not ever . This couldn 't be everything . This couldn 't be reality , not the only reality there was . She was foreign here , strange and foreign . She didn 't belong here , not now , not ever . Yet where did she belong ? Wings He woke up . The open window let in the fresh morning air , yet he was comfortably warm . He was covered completely , by warm feathers . Feathers ? He opened his eyes . He was lying under white feathers , feathers that made up a gleaming white wing . He blinked . The wing was still there . He turned his head . Besides him - as far as he could see at least - there was a beautiful young woman . She was lying on her side , one arm under her head . The only strange thing about her , however , was the fact that a wing originated under her other shoulder blade , the wing that was covering both of them . He stared at her . He couldn 't remember ever having seen such a creature before . She opened her eyes - green like the eyes of a cat - and smiled at him as soon as he saw that he was watching her - maybe it had been his stare that had awakened her - she smiled at him and started to stretch - again like a cat . She was naked , an ordinary woman with an extraordinary body and an extraordinarily beautiful face . Had he only imagined the wing ? He asked her about it . She smiled at him coyly and gently shook her head as if saying : " Wing ? What wing ? Do you think me an angel ? " She laughed softly and although no sound escaped her full lips , he heard her . " To my knowledge angels don 't spend their nights with strange men . . . " She softly laid her hand on her shoulder as if inviting him to feel for himself that there was no wing . Then she got up , had a shower and slipped on the white dress she 'd worn the day before . With slow marked steps she walked out onto the balcony and looked down at the town lying at her feet , taking deep breaths of the cool morning air . He 'd barely left the room when she opened her wings and flew away , towards the rising sun . The Room She was standing before a door . The door was prettily decorated with carvings that reminded her of flames . The door drew her - as if by magic - yet at the same time she shrank away from it . She didn 't want to step through , unsure of what might expect her on the other side . She only knew that there was a small room behind it , yet she didn 't have the least idea what this room might contain . Maybe there were wild lions or spiders . She shivered . Maybe she 'd have to walk through flames like the carving seemed to imply . She gulped . No , definitely she didn 't want to enter this room . All but this ! Yet , at the same time she knew that no way would lead past this room . To get out of this maze she 'd have to walk through this room . She might be able to take detours , go through other rooms first but finally she 'd again stand before a carved door , a different one , though , yet still a door leading to this room . After all this room - small as it was - had many doors . And she 'd have to go through one of them . Undecided she kept standing before this door for what seemed like eternities , occasionally taking a hesitant step forwards only to make two hasty ones back . Already she 'd meant to turn and run , but then - without any visible influence from outside herself - she went towards the door with quick , deliberate steps and threw it open . The Flower She was feeling restless . Actually there were quite enough things that she should be doing but she lacked the calm to even begin any of them , let alone finish anything . So she started walking through town , restless and without any destination in mind . She kept walking nearly blindly , without looking left nor right . She ran simply forward till she found herself standing in front of a little bookshop . She loved books above all , all kinds of books , yet she 'd never seen this bookstore before . She looked around and considered , yet she couldn 't quite say if she knew this district or not . Somehow it seemed vaguely known to her , yet at the same time it felt completely unfamiliar as well . Had she ever walked through this street before ? How come she 'd never noticed this shop before ? Still wondering she opened the door . A low jingle of bells sounded as she entered . The shop was small , the shelves were stuffed full to the top with books , however . She smiled at the number of books . This was heaven to her . On the counter she saw a vase with one single flower that hadn 't opened yet . She didn 't know this flower . This unknown bud had her really curious . She 'd have loved to know how the blossom it was hiding would look like . She wished the flower would open at once for her to see . Nearly jumping out of her skin she turned around . A gentle , old man , who seemed surrounded by an aura of melancholy , was standing before her . " Good afternoon , " she replied and smiled shyly . Softly she shook her head . " I … " , she started hesitatingly before breaking off . She 'd have loved to tell him she adored books and read everything she could get her hands on . She wanted to explain that she 'd come here by accident on a day when she hadn 't managed to find calm anywhere else . But she didn 't know where to start - and it would hardly interest him . " I am sorry . " , she stammered finally . " I … I didn 't mean to disturb you . " And took a step in direction of the door . " But stay a while . " , he said gently and extended one hand into her direction as if he wanted to welcome , maybe even hug her . " I was just about to make some tea . You will have a cup with me , won 't you ? " She threw a glance out . Outside it was foggy . It was dusk already . Nothing drew her out into the cold . And she was at ease her , and she felt welcome . Moreover it was comfortably warm in here . This little shop seemed a haven of security . All the books . The strange flower . The friendly , old man with his calm , melancholic voice . If someone else had invited her for tea , she 'd probably have bolted away - like a scared rabbit . " Yes , " she said softly , " Thank you . " With a slight smile he gestured towards a table and two chairs standing in a corner of the room that she hadn 't noticed before . Hesitatingly she sat down , only to jump up again as soon as he 'd disappeared into the backroom and to leaf through some of the books . Yet all of them were written in a tongue foreign to her . Whenever she thought she might understand one or the other word , the sense escaped her again altogether a moment later . Slightly astonished and somewhat discouraged she sat down again and stared at the flower that was standing there unchanged . When the melancholic , old man re - entered the room she heard low piano music in the background . " Schubert ! " , she categorized automatically . He placed two cups on the table , a pot of tea and a small can of milk before taking the seat opposite her . Without consulting her first he poured a bit of milk into her cup before filling it with tea . He himself didn 't take any milk . She wasn 't surprised much that he seemed to know exactly how she was used to drink her tea . She took a sip . The tea was just perfect - neither bitter nor tasteless . She closed her eyes to savour it the better . He smiled . " My books are in a language not everyone understands . Few can read it and even fewer speak it . " He looked at her thoughtfully , finally he nodded . " Yes , you could learn it . " Singer in the Moonlight It was the full moon . Somehow the full moon always drew him out into the forest . He didn 't know why but whenever the moon was shining bright , he just had to go out and walk through the night . And now that he was finally living alone this was not a matter of sneaking down the stairs and climbing through the kitchen window . He closed his eyes and took a deep breathe . Somehow the air in a night of full moon was special . Walking with closed eyes , continuing to enjoy the balmy air , he went onwards and suddenly he heard someone sing . It was a sad song , full of grief and mourning . His eyes flew open and he went into the direction of the sweet voice . The singer was sitting besides the lake . She was beautiful , unearthly beautiful . He listened and watched . He didn 't dare approach too close for fear of frightening her . Yet somehow she must have noticed him for she turned into his direction , eyes glaring . " Who dares disturb Elindyelyana ? " And in her anger - without giving him a chance to reply - the Elven woman called down the lightning and disappeared . The worst thunderstorm ever that he 'd lived through ensued . Shivering in the rain , he tattered to find his way home . The balmy night air was gone , the moon who 'd lit his way was hidden . Finally he reached home and fell into his bed . " Elindyelyana ! " he called , and he kept calling for her all through the next three weeks in hospital where they treated him for a bad case of pneumonia . A month later , at long last , when it was the time of the full moon again , he couldn 't help going out , back into the forest , back to the lake . " Elindyelyana ! " he called all through the night and in the end she stood before him - but it was her who 'd found him . " What do you want from me , mortal ? Why call for me ? " she asked coldly . He stood before her and couldn 't speak . How could he tell her what he felt ? Tell her that he 'd fallen in love with her ? Tell her his longing for her ? He was a mere mortal as she 'd said , and she was an elf . But she seemed to have read his thoughts . " You don 't know what you ask . " she said . " You have no idea who and what I am . " She sighed . " My touch is death . You are too young to long for death . " Suddenly her eyes blazed . " Go . Go back and live . And don 't come back to me before you 've lived a full life . Then I 'll be there for you . " And with these words she turned and went away . Many a night of full moon he tried to search for her but in vain . She had disappeared . So he finally followed her order . He lived , and suddenly everything he touched went lucky . He lived a happy and fulfilled life . And one day - when he 'd fulfilled his life - he saw the full moon shine again . And he knew it was time . He went out into the forest and besides the lake Elindyelyana was awaiting him . She kissed him and in her arms he died . Damiel " Mum , tell me again how you and Dad met . I love to hear that story . It 's so romantic . " Five year old Jana ran up to me . I smiled and gathered her close . " Of course , my dear . " I closed my eyes for a moment to remember better , then I began : " Well , I always hated going by car . I didn 't like driving myself at all and even if I got a ride with someone else , I got easily sick . So I always went by train when I could . There I could read and sometimes when the mood took me even work with my notebook . I just asked people to meet me at the station so I didn 't have to carry my books too far . You know how much books I always carried around . All those books I had to read as lector and always a couple of those that I read for fun . " I laughed , and so did my daughter Jana . She 'd learned pretty early that she needed to be very annoying to catch my attention when I got hold of a good book . " Well , one day I was going pretty far in train . I was supposed to meet one of my authors to discuss his newest book with him . Usually those authors were supposed to come to meet me but he had had a car accident recently and so had troubles walking . Well anyway there was a bad storm outside . The Messenger " Why me ? " She screamed . " Why always me ? " It didn 't matter that no one was listening to her . Just the fact of screaming seemed to help . But she had no choice . She 'd been designed as messenger again , so she 'd better go . With a sigh she opened her wings and flew where she 'd been told to go . Hiding her wings with a glamourie she approached the first human . She cringed slightly at the strong distress emanating from him , yet this was why she was here . At first he tried to send her to hell , but after a while she came through to him . And after a time that seemed like an eternity she managed to bring him out of his depression . She 'd barely finished her work onward when her duties drew her onward . A young girl this time , way too young to yearn for death . Yet here she was , unhappy and much in need of help . What were those humans doing to their children ? Where had they lost the ability to care ? And again she did her duty . And again . And again . Yet the sea of tears didn 't dry out , it kept growing . And when - at the end of the day - she was flying home , entirely devoid of energy , she fell into the sea and drowned . The Curse He was a proud young lord , rich and cruel and selfish . One day he chose to hunt . And bad luck followed him all day long . His arrows kept missing , his horse threw him and in the end he lost his hunting companions . He was by now feeling quite miserable and angry . So when evening came , he decided to make camp . But woe him who 'd never before in his life had to make his proper fire . It came hard on him to have to collect his own wood and instead of collecting the dry wood lying around , he hacked off a couple of green branches with his sword . And they made a bad fire of course , smoking and everything . But it was a fire . And it was this fire who seemed to draw her to him , she who he could have done without … He sneered when he saw the old woman making her way to the forest : " Good lord , might I warm myself at thy fire for a moment ? " she asked in a trembling voice . Her eyes narrowed and a moment later a beautiful , young maiden was standing in front of him . " I 'm one of the Guardians of the Land . I 've watched you and your cruel ways for a long time . I came here now to test you and to give you a last chance . But alas , you failed my test . So now I curse you . From now on you will wander the land , never finding home nor hearth till the day a woman will love you . " And with those words she was gone . He sneered . What power could a woman , even one who could change shape , have after all ? No one had power over him . Yet when he searched for his castle the next day it was as if it hadn 't existed . And he kept wandering through the forest for a long time till he finally found a mansion . He asked to meet with the owner , yet his servants sneered at him . " Our lord has better things to do with his time than meet a beggar such as you . " " You dare talk to me like this ? Don 't you know who I am ? " And he started to tell them of his lineage ; the servants , however , kept laughing . As he insisted on being a lord , they finally grew tired of him and had the hounds chase him off . Finally , hating the witch who 'd cursed him thus , he settled into his life as wanderer . Every so often he tried to find work in a castle or other great house and as he had never learned any better work , they kept giving him the most menial of tasks . Whenever it seemed to look as if he might settle in or even be promoted , something happened so he had to leave quickly . Either he broke a valuable vase so the lord had him chased off without any of his wage , or a ring got stolen and for some reason he was accused of it . Another time when he was herding horses , the most precious one ran off . And once again he had to leave for fear of the lord 's wrath … Many years he wandered thus . And if he hasn 't found a maiden to love him yet , he 'll be wandering around still .
|
Well , we are back in the saddle ! A weekend ago we went to Leavenworth Washington to enjoy the fall leaves turning . It was really wonderful . We hiked on the Iron Goat trail on the way over . We walked along the Wenatchee River and watched the salmon spawning . This year Oma took us on a horse and carriage ride . With the excitement and the noise of sharing a hotel room , no one gets much sleep , so we took last week off from homeschooling . Meanwhile , this week we are still increasing on our Michaelmas circle . Baby is almost 2 . 5 years old and really wants to be down for our morning walk , and since he is slower , Brother and I are going to march in place to keep our heart rate up when we are waiting for Baby . I 'm trying to continue to find ways to strengthen Brothers core . For Story we are reading the Enki Folk tale " The Old Woman and the Red Pumpkin . " Brother likes it because it has a pumpkin and is a little scary in honor of halloween . This weekend when walking under the Oak Trees we found many , many acorns . The West Wind has been ripping through our yard for about the last week . So , we are also reading Enki story " The Gift Of The Might Oak " for our nature study . Brother was a little afraid of the West Wind , but over all he enjoyed the story . Craft today was baking , so we made muffins . Today 's challenge is that Baby skipped his nap , so we laid down together for 20 minutes and then we came downstairs and Baby played alone in the rec room for the rest of the hour or so . Brother stayed up in his room . This unfortunately means I missed my meditation . Another big change is that we put a bed for Baby in the kid 's bedroom . Until now we have all essentially all been sleeping in the adults bedroom . Sure , we put Brother in his own bed at night , but he moves back in with us around 2pm when he wakes up the first time . We need more sleep ! So , I am trying to teach the kids to sleep in the kid 's room . We have a double bed on the lower bunk , so I am hoping that eventually Brother and Baby will just snuggle together instead of coming in witPosted by We were up on time and took our walk right away this morning . It was much better , the boys had plenty of energy and we had no problems during circle . Two official days of homeschooling down for the week . Whoo Hoo ! We babysat an extra hour and a half today , which meant that we didn 't get to the beewax . We are going to http : / / www . leavenworth . org / this weekend to enjoy Alpine Folk Music and food . I think I 'll take the beeswax with us to play with in the hotel . I feel so blessed - lucky - grateful to be able to homeschool . Today I was listening to a poem being read on NPR and I loved it . I loved the pictures it painted in my mind as I heard it , I loved the rhythm . The other day I purchased a book of children 's poems by Robert Frost because the seasonal poems were so beautiful . Being touched by poetry is a gift given to me by my children and our path . A few years ago , I truly had no interest in poetry and could not see it 's beauty . I can 't believe it is week 4 all ready ! I added onto our St . George circle . Brother really loves it and gets sucked in immediately . It is so wonderful to see since he really hated the squirrel and apple circle . Baby isn 't so interested in circle right now , but at 2 . 25 , he is only along for the ride . I didn 't remember to start reading and meditating on a Fairy Tale last week . I 've been listening to podcasts from Melissa at A Little Garden Flower . She is very clear that if you are not prepared for an activity - don 't do it . So , we did not read an Enki Fairy Tale this week , instead I chose an Enki Folk Tale that I have read to myself many times called " The Foxes Proof " . On the bright side , Brother asked me to read it two times because it just wasn 't enough for him . So , I do know that he needs Fairy Tales now , and I will be prepared next week . Today was Baking Day . I made 2 batches of Granola with help from Baby , milled 1 batch of applesauce , cooked another batch that is cooling and made 2 batches of muffins . Brother helped make 1 batch of muffins . Baby was asleep so it was much easier . It was so nice spending that time alone with Brother . We don 't get much time without Baby . I 'm sure that will shift as Baby gets older and can play more by himself . I swear , I have been cooking almost all day ! Back to the kitchen for me . I still have to mill a batch of applesauce and prep tomorrows dinner - And do dishes . Yikes ! Whoever thinks that homeschoolers are locked in the house all day , sitting at a desk " schooling " is crazy ! We are so busy socially that I can hardly get things done at home . Anyway , the boys watched daddy doing various house projects today . This afternoon we were able to complete our wet - on - wet painting activity scheduled for Friday . Both boys painted at the same time , so I didn 't get to paint myself . I guess it is good that we are not doing led paintings yet ! It is so surreal . Brother became lost in the colors today while painting , experiencing color qualities instead of trying to draw a particular object . I did start singing a song about red leaves falling before he started painting so that could have influenced him . Or it could be that we have had a strong rhythm for quite some time now . I am surprised and quite pleased though . It is so exciting to see processes occurring that I have only heard about ! Plans were canceled this morning . I took to heart the lesson I learned earlier this week . Replace the plans with homeschooling , the morning rhythm sets the tone for the whole day . So , we did another day of " lessons . " We were invited to join a couple of other like minded families for an afternoon of outdoor , old fashioned games . I did have to cut rest time short , so if this becomes a weekly gathering , I will need to pay more attention to the clock . Anyway , the kids had a great time ! Brother watched some games and joined in for others . After the games , the kids played together , really well actually ! Wet - on - wet painting was pushed off until the weekend because we have a family birthday party tonight ! Today we reached our goal of homeschooling 3 days this week . After baby sitting , which falls into social time , we made our craft , Wind Socks . The boys had a great time trying them out in the living room . The crepe paper really makes a neat sound . I hung them out in the grape arbor so that we could enjoy watching the wind catch them without the rain ruining them . Today we met a friend at Karkeek park . It is so beautiful there . We could hear the Hawks calling . For a while instead of watching the children , I watched a chipmunk feast on snowberries . It was so sweet . I love chipmunks . We met in the early afternoon , and as we didn 't need to homeschool this morning in order to meet our 3 day a week goal , I let the kids free play all morning . Big Mistake ! I should have stuck to the rhythm and had a morning walk , circle and story just like usual . I paid for it with squabbles and melt - downs . Brother even said " We didn 't have circle yet today , : " which is a huge clue to me ! Blah ! Now I know and I won 't be so lazy again . After we came home from Karkeek , the kids had quiet time while I spent too long on the phone . I did manage to squeeze in our project / activity of woodworking . We are making our second crafts board . I marked the saw lines off with pencil and Brother sawed one of the lines , we have three more to go . And then dinner was haphazard and ran late . Darn phone ! But at least I am still on the path to meeting my weekly goals ! We completed our regular homeschooling in the morning . In the afternoon we went to the local Park Day for the third week in a row . The kids seem to play by different rules than we do , so there was a lot of reporting going on by Brother . He accidentally poked a kid " in the eye " with a stick when he was trying to down the slide and the other was coming up . Everyone was fine , but it makes me nervous . It 's because of the " bag of poop " I am still carrying around from a different group I was in this summer . I am doing really well at holding boundaries with the person who seems want to add their " poop " to my already full enough bag . Probably this is something I want to meditate on ! Meanwhile , Brother left the park much more gracefully this week than last week . Which means he was feeling more comfortable and less stretched . Tuesday is beeswax day , and I am finally getting that started up . I have some warming kinks to work out , especially since we are heading into the colder season ! But , he was really interested in the project and the sensory stuff , how does it feel , how do you work with it , etc . This is also an improvement ! And our other major improvement was in leave taking from babysitting . He left without causing a running around ruckus ! One of the reasons is because I am not allowing him to play with the trains anymore . That seems so harsh , but it was really tipping him over . He was melting down the entire time he was trying to play with them , so I called it . For the last two weeks he has found other things to focus on and his quality of play is really increasing again . He is also done irritating the little girl to get a reaction out of her and they are starting to play together well again . Phew ! Michaelmas week ! As a secular family , celebrating Michaelmas is kind of a touchy thing . It can be a very religious holiday . For us it is not religious , but it is spiritual . My story is about St George . I googled St George and the dragon , found a few different stories and went with the one that really felt right to me . I have been reading a lot about the meaning behind fairy tales as well . After much meditation , I did decide to kill the dragon even though Brother is only 6 years old . The King did send emissaries asking the dragon to leave and he said No . Also , I chose a story where St George had to overcome being tired , scared , burned , and temporarily blinded by the smoke . Fighting dragons is hard work ! In the past Fairy Tales have been really difficult for Brother . He took them literally and was totally frightened . So , I backed off and was only telling Folk Tales . However , I had noticed him becoming entranced during Folk Tales , so with great hope I told the more advanced St George story . We went to a different spot in the house , I closed the curtains , lit a candle , sang a different opening song and then hoped for the best . He was fine . He didn 't get upset or anything and he was in the trance like state . He is maturing ! I am still separating Baby from Brother 's story , so I spent a lot of time on the picture books with Baby before I left him to play and read to Brother . It went great , Baby isn 't interested in being a part of it . Another change is in circle . I am essentially doing two circles now , one for Brother followed by one for Baby . Obviously both are pretty short , but we do take an exercise walk before circle , so short is fine . I do cover all of the movements . Today we baked muffins using some of the over grown yellow squash from my Mom 's garden . Yummy ! We had a great weekend in Bellingham ! We went to Hovander Farm in Ferndale , WA . Here is the link : http : / / www . co . whatcom . wa . us / parks / hovander / hovander . jsp . The kids really enjoyed the big red barn as we have been reading that book for Baby 's story . Brother was very interested in the plows . We had read the Enki story " Fill Up The House " two weeks ago , in which one of the brother 's failed to win the house from his father when he brought home a plow , and obviously plows were on Brother 's mind . We also saw some a fabulous Daliah garden . The daliah 's were so tall that they towered over the boys creating covered paths for the kids to " sneak " through . Baby is being especially hilarious right now . Bear in mind his isn 't even two and a half years old yet . Somewhere in the past week this TV and computer free kid has heard " I 'm going to beat you up . " And he even knows the " punching " type motion . We were at two parks last week , one if which was pretty rowdy . Our strategy at this age is simply redirection ( and trying not to laugh ) . Meanwhile , there were 2 pretty big turkeys and some big geese in a pen . They were pretty aggressive , with the turkeys puffing up and the geese posturing and honking . These guys are the same size that he is and it was pretty scary for him . After hiding behind me in fear he stepped forward and pulled up his fists and elbows in position and started walking towards the birds . It was pretty funny . Of course I redirected him , but it was still funny ! Right before we left town we took some over grown squash up to the goats and turkeys who live behind my parents . It was so fun feeding the animals . They came running as soon as they saw us , even the turkeys ! We are finally getting up to Bellingham for a weekend ! We left early on Friday so that we could stop off at the Padilla Bay Nature Reserve on the way . Here 's the link http : / / www . padillabay . gov / . It is a short enough walk that I can hope Baby will walk by himself but if he doesn 't I can carry him . He did decide to walk most of the way ! While the leaves at our house are barely even turning color , some of the trees in Padilla Bay had already completely dropped their leaves . So , it felt like Autumn . The boys could kick the leaves around while walking through them . For extra credit in science ; ) Baby explored both deer poop , complete with full plumb pits and coyote poop . I did not take pictures of the poop , sorry . Baby also experimented with eating Rose Hips , which he did not enjoy . He did enjoy the herd of cows in the field next door . Shortly after we passed by the entire herd started lowing . It was unexpectedly loud for a mostly city girl like myself . The children were delighted ! We have been reading the " Big Red Barn " for a week now in celebration of the Harvest . We also found a tree containing a honey bee hive . It was still awake and we could hear the buzzing . Wow ! I want to try and stop by next time we go up as well . I wonder if the bees will still be buzzing as it gets closer to winter . Leaf PressesAs of today we have finished our week 's homeschooling tasks . We are struggling with circle big time ! I try so hard , but I can 't seem to meet him . I started doing a focused meditation on the issue tonight . Next week 's circle and subjects are completely different , so maybe it will be a better fit . Meanwhile , he loves story , and floats in and out of willingly doing his chores and resisting his chores . We babysat today and I saw great strides in Brother 's maturity . We had issues with leave taking gracefully , which he really did well today , and with experimenting with relationships ( teasing ) . Not the type of teasing where you call people names , but the type where you do things to annoy another person causing them to squeal or scream . This is totally unacceptable to me , so we had been talking about feelings and the golden rule . I changed our transitions in a couple ways and made sure I was more physically present to hold boundaries and to help with impulse control . Meanwhile , he just stopped doing it . He told me it was because he was older now and done with that . I reinforced the changes by noticing and telling him that I appreciated it . No " good jobs " or " blanket praise " but just direct , specific , and honest communication . Brother was completely uninterested in his art project today at the time I had set aside for it . So , I let it go but left it set up . When we got home from babysitting it was waiting for us . Once I got him started he loved it . He immediately became absorbed in the process . " Look Mom , the leaves are coming through when I color on them , " he said with awe . He was so excited that he took control and chose his own leaves for the next three pieces of paper only to be interrupted by his father coming in for dinner . Last year he did this project , but didn 't really see what was happening . I feel so blessed to be homeschooling and to witness his discoveries and his growing . Today we celebrated the Harvest at the Washington Park Arboretum http : / / depts . washington . edu / wpa / index . htm We like to visit around each equinox so that we can see the changes in the seasons . We enjoyed a lunch of Harvest Soup - that the kids didn 't eat , gluten free muffins and various seasonal fruits . For desert my friend made a wonderful , gluten free pear custard . Yum ! The kids loved running around in the trees and rolling down hills . When we came home the boys were not ready for anything other than free play at home , so I left them alone to dig in the digging spot ! The Luminata was beautiful . Our camera doesn 't work in this type of lighting , so I downloaded some pictures from a local web site . It so happens that the picture taker took a picture of our good friends . This is the same type of lantern that we made . They were so fun for the kids to carry . Baby walked about 3 / 4 of a mile dragging his lantern along on the ground . He was so excited ! Brother and Daddy were way up ahead of us . Baby was so slow that we were at the very end ! He was amazingly cute . The week has started off well . We are celebrating the Autumnal Equinox , so we are reading the Enki story The Buried Treasure . I chose it because it is still a Folk Talk and we haven 't started Fairy Tales yet and the story shows the whole process of farming ( tilling , planting , tending , harvesting ) and ends with a harvest festival ! We are also reading Duchess Autumn , the Enki nature tale for the equinox . The circle is still focusing on squirrels because I am trying to keep the oldest at least a little involved and he loves squirrels . For the preschooler , I am reading the book The Wild Child , The Big Red Barn , and Autumn . He can sit in for Brother 's reading too if he wants . For our project we cooked granola and harvest soup . I dropped the cleaning ; it was essentially taking all day . I either need to lower my standard or do more of it on a daily basis ! Today was Brother 's second swimming lesson . He did not get in the water again , but at least he sat on the side of the pool with his feet in the water for the whole lesson . It doesn 't sound like he is planning on getting into the water any time soon . He thinks it is over his head , although I know for sure it is not . The water level is only 3 feet , and he is taller than that . We have 3 weeks off for pool maintenance . I told him that I thought he would probably grow during that time , so hopefully if I talk about him growing , and I measure his height a few days before swim class maybe he 'll try to get in . I 'll pull my husband on board . I think it will be more powerful coming from him . Tomorrow is the Luminata , a local equinox celebration . People meet at Greenlake Park at 7pm for singing and merrymaking . After dark we walk part way around the lake with our lanterns . We started our lanterns on Friday and will finish them up tomorrow just in time to take to the festival . This is our third year , and I really love it . I 'll bring pictures ! Since we had already homeschooled 3 days this week , we met friends over at Kelsey Creek Farm in Bellevue Washington for a nice walk and visit with the animals . The piano tuner came in the afternoon . That was very exciting for the kids . By the time he left it was dinner time . It 's amazing how fast the day goes ! We were supposed to have plans at the park today , but the family has some vomiting going on , so we did not meet up . Brother was pretty disappointed , but he didn 't actually come out and say so . Instead he melted down all morning . He seemed fine when I told him we couldn 't go . Hmm , I didn 't actually put 2 and 2 together until now . Poor kid bottled it all up . It would have been much better had I addressed it . In the past , I have not told him when we have plans because I don 't want him to be disappointed when the plans fall through . With one of his best friends plans are often cancelled because the oldest son has a compromised immune system . However , with Brother 's newfound sense of needing to be in control - and thus going over the plans for the day the night before , and then the morning of , I can 't get away with hiding things like that any more . We will both have to learn new coping skills ! So , he melted down all morning until I pretty much said " We are taking our walk now and then we are having circle ! " and I put us all outside crying . Once our feet were moving on our walk everything calmed down and he was very happy ! He participated in circle , then made his own circle and I forced us all to play outside . This really showed me the healing qualities of rhythm . Brother also worked on his tooth fairy pillow today and his needlepoint art project . We have not started on our Autumnal equinox lanterns yet , because our new Stokke highchair arrived . We put it together and then dinner ran late . I really love the highchair . It allows Baby to participate fully at the table without him having to stand on a chair . We gave up the " real " highchair ages ago because he felt so separated having to eat on his own tray . I am saving up to buy a chair for Brother as well . Next year when we start first grade I want him to be sitting ergonomically correct when we teach him to write . The sooner we have the chair the better . I have $ 75 . 00 so far ! I thought I could buy one chair and just adjust it for each kid , but it doesn 't work that way . DaPosted by It 's Wandering Wednesday . I forgot my camera , but we went to Franklin Falls at Snoqualmie Pass . We played in the spray at the base of the waterfall , lifted and carried heavy rocks and climbed over rocks to get from one side of the river to the other . This morning I showed Brother the poster of the day 's activities again . We read it together . After breakfast he just unloaded the dishwasher all by himself ! I didn 't remind him or anything . It was amazing . I don 't expect to see it again for a long time , but it was really interesting . I read that the Older Kindergartener wants meaningful work , but it was amazing to actually see it in action . At park day yesterday , we left early because he and some other children told me that they would stay in this one area ( that I could not see them in ) and play . I had a suspicion that something was going on , and when I went to find him , they had left the area . He complained that we did not agree on the exact lines of the boundary . So today , when he went to the other side of the river , I showed him the exact boundary he could play in and he agreed . Even though I was across the river from him , He stayed in the agreed upon area with no problems . It just feels like he is maturing and becoming more responsible . Tonight I made Thursday 's poster and we went over our plans for the day . We talked about it , and he is feeling more heard and cared for since we have started this practice . I have finally completed one of our craft boards . The kids helped me along the way . It is finished with a home made beeswax polish . It took me a really long time because it is my first woodworking project ! i guess we 'll see how the beeswax finish stands up to wet - on - wet ! Today was an interesting day . I can see Brother maturing . It is a pretty uncomfortable process for him , poor kid . He feels like " everything is changing , Nothing is the same . " I know it is internal changes , but if I can find a way to make the days easier for him I will . So , I posed the idea of a daily schedule listed on the wall . He is pre - reading , so it has to be pictorial , but he is showing an increased interest in words , so I am also writing out the words . I had him start looking through magazines for pictures of pertinent activities for him to cut out today . Hopefully he will feel more comfortable , he seems happy . We were able to complete all of our regular homeschooling today , for the kids anyway . Circle was a little rough . As it is Autumn , my circle was based on squirrels and Brother wants to be a duck right now . Oops . We went to the local homeschool park day and then Baby missed nap , so although I laid down with him for a while , and we all had " quiet time " I didn 't get to meditate . Park Day went really well except that Brother accidentally ran into another kid . He was sent down on the zip line at the same time a boy ran right in front of the path . There was nothing he could do , but it was sure an intense and traumatic event . It didn 't help that the first time we went to park day , the injured kid was crying " I 'm never going to play with him , etc . " when it was more his fault than anything . Oh well , Brother seemed to bounce back and enjoy more play . Well , this is the first full week of homeschooling for us with our full weekly rhythm . The last couple weeks were catch as catch can to slowly get us up and running . Circle : 20 minute walk then , Opening verse , Green Orchard , Kooka burra ( in the apple tree ) , Trees in the wind , Mouse Fingerplay , closing verse . This is the same circle I used last week with great success . Today I tried to embellish with transitions regarding squirrels and lost Brother . He did watch from the chair though , instead of causing problems . That is a huge improvement from last year ! I 'll try again tomorrow . Maybe I 'll change the Kooka burra into a squirrel and add a squirrel poem . Story : I read " The Runaway Bunny " to baby and brother , leaving a farm and woodland scene out for Baby to play with while I read Brother 's story . Unfortunately , Brother wanted to stay and play too . He did come while I read " Fill Up The House " , which is another Dumbling folk tale from my Enki Folk and Fairy Tales book . Brother did stay and listen , but as soon as I was done reading , he was up and in playing with the toys . For handwork , Brother continued sewing his tooth fairy pillow . He hates to sew , so we are working on a little bit at a time . I have to set the sewing goal for him as he resists . I am hoping that he will eventually start to love it . This quarter 's enrichment is swimming lessons . There were so many kids in the pool and the water was up to his neck . It was very overwhelming for him and he ended up crying for me to get him out and saying " Cancel it ! Cancel it ! " So , I pulled him out and he came and sat by me until the last 5 minutes . At that point he was able to sit by the side of the pool with his feet dangling into the water . I figure that since he was so upset , the fact that he was eventually willing to put his feet in and sit there was fabulous . I am hoping that by the end of the quarter he will at least be comfortable enough to get back in the pool . We shall see ! Monday is cleaning and baking day . I didn 't get all of the cleaning done , nor the baking . I ' lPosted by Today we did a lot more home maintenance getting ready for the rainy season . Brother and Baby played together pretty well today . My Planning / Inner work : No meditationplanned the story for Monday and the circle . Checked for changes for the next week and thought about circle transitions . planned the weeks menu and did the big grocery shopping trip . Tidied up the house so that we start off the week right . Going to bed too late though , I 'll be starting off tired tomorrow . I 'll plan on grabbing a nap with Baby at quiet time . Phew ! The deck is almost done . We have been in the house for over 1 year now and have not been able to enjoy it . I stood up on it for a few minutes tonight and just relaxed . Today we had a birthday party . I was a little nervous , but I meditated before we went to stay calm and focused . Other than some painful relationship growing pains , everything went fine . I held boundaries , and my son turned a game that he didn 't like ( and the parents don 't like ) into something more appropriate . I was pretty proud of him . We may , I repeat may , go to the local park day . I may wait until October when we have had more time to relax into our school year rhythm . Poor Brother had an unpleasant growing experience this weekend while we were going through all of the leaking roof stress . Brother and Baby race around the backyard and down the driveway on their little tikes wheeled toys . They love it ! Poor Brother was riding on one Saturday and it started scraping the ground . Clearly he had grown too big ! He was filled with sorrow . This is a game they play together . This is a way that they can relate to each other despite the 3 and 3 / 4 years age difference ! It was so sad . And it was especially poignant for me as the oldest of 4 children . I remember when my brothers and the neighbors got their Big Wheels when I was already too big to ride myself . So , we went shopping on Craigslist and against all odds found one ! There is a lady who is not far away who posted that she was looking for a bunch of them for a drag race . She was willing to pay more than they had asked for the one they were selling . After I saw the WTB ad , I figured there was no way we 'd find one . And with the roof blow up , there was no way we were going to drop $ 120 on one . We didn 't know if we were going to be replacing or restoring a bunch of metal roof ASAP , there was no way we could buy a Green Machine right then . On Tuesday the seller contacted me , so after my eye appointment , we dropped homeschooling and drove the 20 miles to pick up the Green Machine . It is perfect . He can reach the pedals with 2 phone books behind him , and he loves maneuvering it in tight spaces to get out to the driveway . And both boys are happy ripping around the backyard and down the driveway again . They have drawn rode directions and parking spots with sidewalk chalk . All in all it turns very creative quickly . Being 6 , brother wants to be the Big Boss in Charge , which is totally annoying , but also totally age appropriate . I am not the best at pictures and will get some soon . Today we spent most of our day hiking at Tiger Mountain with our Wednesday Hiking Friends . It was a lovely day . Brother petted slugs and watched them squish up , waded in a little pond , and made friends with a duck I wouldn 't let him feed . Mean Mommy ! Being 6 , he wanted to run ahead or hide behind us . Often I couldn 't see him , which made me a little nervous . I want to honor his need of independence , but at the same time , there was a bear and a cougar caught in Seattle this year . It just reminds me that wild animals do exist and the do live in the forest at Tiger Mountain , especially if they can survive in the parks of Seattle . WOW ! At the same time , they do tend to be shy , and it is very low risk . So , deep breaths MaMa . After we got home , I needed to make my grocery list and take us to the store . That is what soured part of the day . If I had my list before we left and we stopped on the way home , then it would have been no big deal . But , coming home and then leaving again tipped the kids over . So , my goal next week is to get that all finished the night before . If I am really on my game , I 'll have snack done Tuesday night as well . But , baby steps . Ok , I love the rain . Living in Seattle , I 'd better love the rain . But , after last year 's roof leaking , black mold sickness - big rains make us worried . I guess we should really see them as a gift though ; a way to test the mettle of our new roof ! Anyway , when we went to the master bedroom on Saturday afternoon water was pouring out of the light fixture above the bed . Further investigation found black mold on the carpet pad . So Husband cleaned it up and threw parts away until the black mold was all gone again . Meanwhile , we had a big pan with water dripping into it when we were hit with another deluge . After all of the water intrusion issues in the old house from the bottom up , we never expected to have them in the new house , from the top down ! We survived the weekend , with much stress , and the roofers came over on Tuesday , found their mistake , and hopefully fixed it . Unfortunately , with two automaton parents walking around in the " I 'm freaking out , but I 'm not going to blow " mode , both kids were pretty stressed out too . We tried to keep it as normal as possible , but there is no way they didn 't feel the tension . Plus , instead of having family time Daddy was working , coping , cleaning mold , and setting out water pans . was yesterday . Hee Hee ! We didn 't even know , except that Brother saw a school bus drive through the neighborhood . I thought it was a practice run . Oh , the bliss of ignorance ! Ok , now I 'm not so blissed out . I just realized what a momentous occasion it is . Brother turned 6 on August 30th , so we were going to hold him out of school last year anyway . That means that this is the first year we would truly consider sending him to Kindergarten . And now we have missed the possibility of the first day of school . It 's like the point of no return . We Really Are Homeschoolers ! Well , I planned on starting the homeschooling year around the equinox , but since Brother is midway through the 6 / 7 year transition it just felt right to start now . We had an absolutely crazy 2 weeks containing 5 birthday parties ( 3 at our house ) and the prep involved , a fair and a camping trip . Obviously rhythm was lacking and he was out of balance , either over expanded or over contracted - I 'm not sure which . Phew - the poor kid was just screaming for some rhythm and the Kindergarten rhythm works best for us , so we just started up again today . We mainly reinstated the larger pieces of the rhythm and I will fill in the detail later . Next year when Brother is in first , it is really important to me that the baby not be exposed to the first grade fairy tales . So , I am setting up the environment for that this year . I am reading a story book to Baby ( who is only a little over 2 ) in the rec room and setting up a little scene with the tree blocks , animals and silks . Today it was " Home For a Bunny " which is a Spring book . Oh well , then I am reading a Folk tale to Brother in the living room . If ( when ) Baby follows and if he interrupts , then I am redirecting him back to his toys . I am holding the expectation in my mind that he will not be following us out any more by the Spring . Today Brother 's Folk Tale was ThickHead from our Enki Folk Tales . He has been so inflexible lately . I know that that is a characteristic of this age , but if I could just temper it a little bit . Clearly having a 2 . 25 year old Brother getting in his way and disrupting his plans is frustrating , but he does need to be a little flexible . Baby shouldn 't always have to follow his rules . I have been reading about the meaning of Fairy Tales and the Dummling character embodies flexibility , so I am hoping that if I give him a few different stories with that character it may help him to relax a bit . Another way I thought I could deal with the frustration upsets is by pulling him away from the play for a bit and engaging him in meaningful work . So , I put the grPosted by This year Brother turned 6 ! He watched too much Bob the Builder while I was recovering from my surgery and became completely obsessed with the character , so he wanted a Bob the Builder cake . Since he was so obsessed with Bob the Builder , I was unwilling to have that cake . However , he really enjoys Lincoln Logs and building , so we compromised and made this cake . The cabin is made out of royal frosting and pretzels , with a graham cracker crust . It took 4 days to make the cabin because of the drying and hardening time required for the royal frosting . Grandpa and Grandma gave Brother a tool belt . He is so happy ! Baby loved the birthday parties as well . We attended a birthday party at Wolf Haven http : / / www . wolfhaven . org which included camping . The wolves howled many times during the night . At dawn , farm animals joined in . It was absolutely amazing ! I made the tree branch fairy furniture featured in Living Crafts as a part of our gift . For my birthday we go to the Lynden Fair every year . the kids see farm animals . They pet kittens , ducks and goats . They saw cows nursing their young . We saw Alpaca ! Brother and I sat in the fiber room , whilst a woman spinning told fairy tales . Brother loved it ! I am so happy that he was able to experience a woman telling real fairy tales from memory just because she loves it ! He also was able to see a spinning wheel in use , and watch a woman weaving on a loom . Of course he also rode on rides . . . . . Actually , Brother likes the real rides . We go on the ferris wheel together . And he loved the bumper cars . Baby went on the Merry Go Round twice and was done part way through the second time . But he loved pretending to drive tractors . He was over in the tractor section for a long time . The ice cream is an extra treat . We try and keep it for special occasions only . They made a mistake and gave Brother two servings instead of one . He insisted on eating the whole thing ! A local park hosted an outdoor art exhibit . This is the first large spiral that my kids have been exposed to . There is just something about spirals that really draws them in . They really loved walking the spiral and exploring the inside . A picture of baby in the garden . The new " school " year is right around the corner ! I am exploring rhythms for fall now that Baby is a little over 2 . He is starting to get interested in reading the same picture books over and over again . I would also like to lay the ground work for story time during first grade . My hope is that Baby will not hear Brother 's fairy tales . This will require me to tell a silk story for Baby and a fairy tale for Brother , hoping that Baby will play with the silk story props while I tell Brother 's fairy tale . I am also really exploring food options . Today we made humus . The boys helped to smash up the beans ! They also helped to grind up the cucumber for the taziki . Tomorrow I would like to make some Beet Soup . Yum ! I can grind up the greens and put them in as well . When we were about 1 hour away from our house , I had the bad feeling that Firpirey was going to hatch while we were gone . Sure enough , he was out of the cocoon when we arrived home . Fortunately he was still alive ! We hurried him outside and put him somewhere safe so that he could rest before flying off . He sure is beautiful ! Brother was very excited and protective of the moth , keeping him safe from spiders . We managed to go on vacation despite my surgery and it 's horrid recovery . Baby is still so young and such a handful that we decided to stay in a campground and rent out an RV . It is much easier than tent camping . Mt Raineer was feeling shy this week , hiding behind the clouds , so we didn 't get any good pictures . We visited Paradise , but there was so much snow I was afraid of falling and hurting my belly . So , we hiked at the base of the mountain instead where there was no snow . It is always so special to see these . I can 't remember what they are , but I think they are pretty rare . Really old tree ! Brother loved it , but is too young to really understand how to figure the age by the rings . There is plenty of time ! He enjoys it 's size . Trip , Trip , Trap . Trip , Trip , Trap . Go the gnomes along the trackThrough Forest deep they make their wayTo find their Daddy as soon as they may . Baby really enjoyed running on the trail . Sometimes I could hear him saying " trip , trip , trap " as he was going along . Only 2 years and 1 month , but already circle songs are sinking in . I changed the words for him a little bit while we were in the woods . There were a lot of these types of trees whose trunks twist around as they grow . Brother is being the tree . Eventually Brother sunk into play while hiking . I don 't know what his game was , but he would run ahead and talk to his imaginary friends , they would act something out and then he would run forward again . Its very exciting to see him get lost in his imaginary world ! We also saw a buck while we were hiking . We see Mama deer and baby up in Bellingham at every visit , but we have never seen a buck before . The 4th of July is a big day for our family . We start out at the Bothell , WA parade on Main Street . Last year Brother rode in the children 's parade , but this year he decided not to . The favorite part of the parade is the visit from the SeaFair Pirate and the Mobey Duck . The pirates drive their boat down the street stopping every so often to smash their swords on the ground and fire their cannon . For a couple years it would scare Brother and I would have to hide with him behind some buildings until the pirates had passed . Once he started wearing ear phones to mute the noise he absolutely loved them ! Now he really looks forward to their antics . This is the first year Brother really figured out what the parade candy was all about . They came home with a ton , which I was then able to disappear . I was very sad not to be at the parade this year . After the parade , my husband 's side of the family got together at one of the Aunt 's for a picnic . There are so many children now , and Uncle built a fabulous tree house with a pulley . Daddy said the kids had a ton of fun . I 'm already looking forward to next year . We have so much yard work to do ! My girlfriend has a stand of bamboo that she thins annually . She creates lovely fences in her landscape and garden using the stalks . I am trying to do the same with our fallen branches . This is our massively overgrown raspberry bed . I have made a little fence and cleared a spot for the kid 's shovels and rakes . I still need to finish the fence to contain the raspberries and make some stakes . It will be really sweet when the kids can pick raspberries and eat them straight from the vine ! We went to Bellingham to visit with Oma and Opa this weekend . They live near Lake Whatcom so we have swimming , " urban hikes " and backyard nature to enjoy . While we were there , the juvenile Eagles were really flying over our heads often . And also Red Tail Hawks . The Crows and Steller Jays would really start making a racket and then shortly thereafter we would see the raptors flying over . I saw the Eagles lock talons one time mid flight . It was amazing ! While the boys were having a snack in the backyard , a fawn nibbled its way by them within 3 feet . Brother said that he could smell the fawn ! About 5 minutes later Mama dear grazed her way by us . They go through the backyard daily and are used to seeing my parents . We also took a nature walk to Whatcom Falls park . We start outside the park and hike in . Then I give the kids a while on the equipment before we walk out again . We saw Red Winged Black Birds ( and heard their song ) . We also spied a very still fledging Robin . It became startled when a bike came by and ran down the middle of the trail before hiding behind a tree . On he way out we noticed the carpet of fuzz from the cottonwood trees . Wow ! Today we went for a nature walk on top of Snoqualmie Pass . It was amazingly beautiful . We walked around a lake and played in the water afterwards . While we were there , a thunderstorm moved in . We could hear the thunder for a long time before the storm actually arrived . The thunder is amazingly loud at that altitude . I have never experienced anything like it . We also found a huge ant 's nest . I grew up with these things in the back yard , but Brother has never seen them before . Proof of beaver activity . I didn 't realize that beaver 's took down trees this big ! i also didn 't realize the shavings would be so large . It makes sense though , since they have such big teeth . Here is our little friend that we found crawling on the bricks . I researched on the net and that he eats last year 's growth of Doug Fir branches . We did give him three other types of leaves though , just to make sure that I wasn 't starving him . He did chose only to eat the Fir , so we stopped giving him the other choices . Brother has named him Firpirey . We are watching every day for changes with great excitement . Wow ! I have taken I long break from blogging . It 's not that we haven 't been doing anything , I 've just been too busy to record it . Obviously I need to get back to our planning . Today felt like we got a lot accomplished ! The morning cleaning routine was completed and our morning homeschooling activities were completed . I changed the story order around and did Baby 's silk story first . He was fed by that and went off to play leaving Brother and I alone to read his Enki Fairy Tale . We are still reading the Queen Bee . It was pretty cool to have Baby go off and play . I felt like I could see a little piece of the future . Very Exciting ! Our garden is starting to get cleaned up a little bit . I have four beds cleared now . Which is amazing . Everything was so over grown , with grass and blackberries everywhere . So far we have planted twenty two strawberry plants , with twenty one growing , and one blueberry bush . I cleared the spot for the second bush today and it will be planted tomorrow . Blueberries need acidic soil , so I am collecting a bucketful of pine needles from our " forest " and mixing them in with compost . Instead of fertile mulch , I am using fallen tree branches . It is so fun to use what our property has provided ! Meanwhile , it took a long time to clear the land , and I lost of track of time . So Brother did not do a craft this afternoon . This is also a result of my missed planning session earlier this week . It 's disappointing , but we 'll get there ! He did do a self - directed craft this morning . Three days ago he made a " sticker " with a piece of paper by putting some colored tape on the front of the paper and then taping it to his chest . After it feel off he crumpled it up . Then he put blue tape all over it except for a small hole for his " friend micey " to climb in . The blue tape was the primer . He now has covered everything but the hole in tape of other colors . He loves his home made toy and " flies " it all over the house . So , he has done " Crafts " just not MY crafts . ; ) Today I decided to add in the silk story for baby . I know he is only almost two , so we are not really homeschooling yet , but the younger stories feed Brother and baby enjoys them too . Brother starts first grade when he is seven , so in 18 months , I want to have our basic rhythms in place . And , my memory could really use the exercise . I am also working really hard to complete a morning cleaning routine for myself using the Flylady principles . Here is her link : http : / / www . flylady . com / I have only been doing it for a week now , but already our laundry pile is completely under control . The dishes are getting done , and the main floor bathroom - with the cat box - is clean enough for a drop by visitor . The brothers play really well in the morning for about an hour before they are ready for breakfast and I really want to take advantage of that time as much as possible . Today we went to visit our good friends I and S . I is brothers age , and both boys are really interested in space . I built a rocketship using moving boxes . It 's really , really cool . They boys carried it upstairs and played space games for a long time . It was so cute because when they landed on a planet with little gravity and no atmosphere , they did a little dance to show they walked different . It is amazing how much they know about space and to see them incorporate it into play ! Phew it rained last night ! We have a metal roof and it was so loud it seemed like we were sleeping - or not sleeping - in a tent . Since we didn 't get much sleep last night , everyone slept in really late this morning , pushing our entire day back . We still walked in the rain . Brother wore rain boots and splashed in all of the puddles . Since there are 2 long hills on the walk , we spend a lot of time with " running river " flowing down the hill besides us . He splashed down running river looking for worms for me to save . We pulled a lot of worms out of the river today ! Brother joined in circe today . I think this is one of the benefits of being in a co - op . I used the same circle as the co - op circle , which is actually designed for younger kids . But he enjoys it , and since he has seen all of the other kids participating in circle at co - op , it is carrying him at home . For story , I am reading " The Queen Bee " from the Enki Folk an Fairy Tales . He really sat quietly for the entire story , afterwards commenting that " he saw pictures of the story in his brain . " Then he holed himself up in his room building with blocks for the next hour . He has a really big plan and has asked me not to clean up his room tonight . This is the first time Brother has gone in his room and shut the door leaving Baby on the outside since Baby has become old enough to realize what is going on . Baby was sad , but brother needed his alone time . While Brother was holed up his room , Baby and I made granola . I gave him whole almonds , covered them with a dish towel and then gave him a wooden mallet . He had a lot of fun pounding on the nuts . He also helped stir the whole sticky mess together . We both have our hands on the spoon and I sing a rhythmic little verse ( that I make up on the spot ) so that he can feel the movement he needs for the stirring . It was very sweet , and we hardly ever get time alone together . Before Baby went to nap , I read him a couple board books . I am trying to start giving him the same as I do for Brother , but on the appropriate level . I figurPosted by We had Co - Op this morning . The kid played really well together and had a lot of fun . Brother participated in circle again , for the most part anyway . And I told a silk story of " The Sheep and the Pig " from The Baldwin Project . We made pizza for the second time . The gluten free crust is really sticky . It went much better because I gave each of the boys a bowl and little of their own dough to work with . It was a real mess , but they had a lot of fun . Meanwhile , I added brown rice flour onto the top of the crust so that I could spread it out . It worked much better . Next week , I 'll show the boys how to do that as well . Every week we learn something new - about pizza crust anyway ! Tonight we participated in the local May Day celebration . It is held in a local park by a group of artists . A few other local homeschoolers make it as well . Brother is getting old enough now that he is really curious about what the older kids are doing . This year he participated in a Tug Of War and a Three Legged Race . We are a competition free family , so I was interested to see how he was going to react to a determination being made of who is the winner and loser . He didn 't seem to notice and had fun even though they were last in the three legged race and the boys kept getting pulled over by the girls in the Tug Of War . The most important thing is that they have fun , and I don 't think he realized he was supposed to be disappointed . We made tissue paper butterflies and attached them to sticks for the children to play with . And I had brought a play silk which turned into a parachute . We are already looking forward to next year ! Our hike this week was at Shoreview Park in Shoreline , WA . It was a beautiful day and the kids had a lot of fun . I love the trails because they are a little primitive . We also pass through a few different types of environments . In one part the ground is very sandy and more dry weather plants grow . After hiking down a hill , we walk along a lake and then along a creek . Then back up again into an evergreen forest . Posted by Here is our updated Nature Table . I added a bird to the nest and hatched the cocoon into a butterfly . Our challenge is that the cats climb onto the table and run off with the butterfly . Fortunately , this only happens at night and I can put it back again in the morning before the kids notice . We also have bees and clover from a silk story I told in April and some other treasures we have collected from nature . Posted by We made hummus from scratch . The kids enjoyed making it , but not really eating it . I guess I need to reduce the garlic we used . We did a lot of cleaning today as well . My parents are coming to stay the night and the kids are really excited . We are going to a May Day celebration Friday evening . Brother and I are making Jingle Knots from the Enki Craft book to use as anklets . Basically , it is tying a row of knots and then attaching a bell . He is still in the mechanical stage of the project and can get a knot about 1 / 2 the time . I think the numbers on the board confused him as well . I 'll have to try this craft again in a month and see if it clicks for him then . He was very concerned that the anklet would not be ready on time without my help , so I finished it up for him . He was happy and we all had jingle bells ringing on our ankles for the celebration ! Two weeks ago we " hiked " around Scriber lake . This is one of those places that we try and visit at least once each season . It is in a very urban area , but with the tree growth and bird life I don 't think the kids even notice . The really enjoyed the hike . We saw ducks , geese and a hummingbird 's nest . We also heard other birds calling . Posted by
|
author : Roland SmithOne day a fourteen year old boy named Nick lived in London with his mom . There was a war going on and London was getting bombed at the time . One of the bombs landed on Nick 's apartment while Nick 's mom was at work . His mom decided that Nick should live with his father in Burma where it was safe . The next morning a girl named Mya and her brother Indaw showed up at Nick 's house to take him to Burma . When he arrived at his father 's house in Burma he was disappointed that his father was not there . Before Nick went to bed his father finally came home and gave Nick a present . The next day Nick was walking around the Elephant Village . Suddenly , Nick heard a metal hitting metal sound . The next thing he saw was a fourteen foot tall elephant standing in front of him . The elephant hit him in the ribs with his trunk and sent Nick soaring through the air . Read this action and adventure filled novel . Also find out what happens to Nick as he lives with his dad and the elephants . Thank you , Marcus author : Dan Gutman Whisper , a young girl , was playing soccer for the first time and she scored in her own goal . Whisper has this mental videotape that was about scoring in her own goal . She could fast forward it , she could make it go backwards , and in slow motion . One thing Whisper Nelson couldn 't do was erase her mental videotape . Whisper 's Dad works as a pilot for the Wiley Post Airport and he flies jumbo jets . Whisper Nelson 's mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis . Whisper 's mom is now in a wheelchair . Whisper 's sister Briana is very good at sports and has a lot of trophies in her room . Whisper and Briana go to Donut City where Briana sees a contest to win a million dollars . That person has to make a new slogan for the Kick a Professional Women 's Soccer Team . Briana was too young to enter the contest so she put Whisper 's name on the form . A few days after Briana entered Whisper in the contest a man named Joe Fine called Whisper and told her she won the contest . Joe Fine told Whisper that on June 5th she would go to Taft Stadium for the chance to win one million dollars if she could get a soccer ball past the Kick 's goal keeper , Carmen Applegate . Briana was waiting for her friend Jennifer to come pick her up for her soccer game when the door bell rang . Briana opened the door and Bobbie Frisk , the news lady , said she came to interview Whisper . Later Whisper , her mom , dad , and Briana went to Taft Stadium so Whisper could meet Carmen Applegate . Whisper wore a soccer jersey and said she looked like a walking lollipop . Whisper and her mother go to Rogers High School to get help from the soccer team . Whisper goes home to her house from the High School and she was upset because the High School soccer girls were mean to her and made her cry . After Whisper got back to her house Jess Kirby came to show Whisper something on his computer . Whisper Nelson was working on her homework when all of a sudden there was a knock on her front door and her mom answered the door . There was a girl at the door and her name was ElliPosted by author : Kate DiCamilloOnce there was a rabbit made of china , his name was Edward Tulane . He was owned by a young girl name Abilene . Edward was treated like part of the family . One unfortunate day the Tulane family went on a cruise . As soon as Abilene set Edward on a lounge chair , two boys decided to throw Edward around . Then one of the boys threw him over board . Edward sank to the bottom of the ocean and remained there for months . Till one day a storm began to make the water churn . It lifted Edward off the ocean floor and he was caught by a fisherman 's net . The fisherman thought that Edward would make a nice gift for his wife because she was feeling depressed . Where is Edward going ? Is he in trouble ? Is Edward ever going to see Abilene again ? To find out read this adventurous book . Thank you , Kyle author : Wendy MassJosie was born on February 29 , Leap Day , and now she 's sixteen . Technically it 's her fourth birthday because Leap Day only comes once every four years . Josie can 't wait until tonight because when you turn sixteen , your friends throw you a huge party at " The Lake " . She also can 't wait until she leaves school because she 's taking her driver 's test . As she 's getting ready for school Rob , Josie 's brother , yells through the bathroom door for her to hurry up . When she opens the door she finds her parents and brother standing right in the middle of the hallway . On the door knob was a balloon that read " Happy Sweet Sixteen " . When Josie walks in her room she notices something under her extra pillow . She walks up to it and finds a car key to " The Shark " , an old gray van . As she 's jumping up and down screaming in excitement , Rob watches from the doorway . After she 's done he asks her if she wants a ride to school . Usually he drives his friends to school but he figures he could be nice since it 's her birthday . As usual Josie takes the bus with her friends . When she walks into class she notices that the board says " HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSIE " . As she 's waiting for the period to end she remembers that she didn 't give the note to the office about her leaving early for her test . Josie starts to get nervous as the time comes for the driver 's test . Read " Leap Day " to see if Josie passes the test and what happens during the party at " The Lake " . This is an amusing book and one of the best that I have ever read . Thank you , Shaina author : Jerry SpinelliOne ordinary day in the summer the biggest trolley crash happened . The P & W Trolley crashed because the motorman was drunk . He took the high trestle over the Schuylkill River right into the water . Jeffrey Magee 's parents were on the trolley and no one survived the crash . Jeffrey now has to live with Uncle Dan and Aunt Dot who he hates . Jeffrey got his nickname Maniac when he was young because he was always running . Aunt Dot and Uncle Dan hated each other , that 's why they needed two of everything . Maniac hated that so much he left their house . Maniac heard about the Cobbils knot and if you can untie the knot they will give you a free pizza . Maniac was able to untie the knot . He won the pizza and scarfed it down quickly . but he was very allergic to it . Maniac met Amanda Beal She was so nice to Maniac that she took him to her house . Amanda and Maniac were so close that they were almost family . One day they got into a very big fight . Maniac met Grayson when he was running away . Grayson took Maniac to dinner , bought him new clothes and his favorite butterscotch crimpets . Grayson also bought books so Maniac can teach Grayson how to read . Grayson and Maniac went to the Thanksgiving dinner at the homeless shelter . Grayson and Maniac moved to a apartment , but seven days later Grayson died . Amanda saw Maniac on the street and offered him to live with her and her family once again . Amanda and her family raised Maniac until he was old enough to live on his own . Will Maniac be able to survive by himself ? Will he need help from his friends . This is an inspiring book for everyone to read . Thank you , Steven author : DuPrauIn a underground city lived two young friends called Doon and Lina . At the age of twelve they get jobs . They don 't like their new jobs , so Lina and Doon switch with each other . So now Doon works in the pipeworks factory and Lina works as a messenger . Lina has to send messages to people . If Lina gets the message right she gets 25 cents for each one . Lina also has to take care of her sister Poppy . Lizze , Lina 's friend , knows that the mayor is stealing food and giving the leftovers to the people in the underground city . Lina tells the guards about it . Lina thinks there is another city above them . Doon , on the other hand , finds a special door in the pipeworks ' factory . Doon and Lina go through the door and finds matches and boats . When they go back to the city , they find out the guards are looking for them for spreading rumors about the mayor . Lina grabs Poppy and goes back to the hidden door . Will Doon , Lina , and Poppy make it to the new city ? This is a great mystery book . Thank you , Andrew author : John MarsdenAfter Ellie found out that her town was invaded , they found their friend from school named Chris . Chris always wrote poems in his notebook at school . He also was one of the smartest kids in school . When Ellie found Chris she told him to come with them . They all headed for their campsite . On the way back they stopped at a couple of houses to get food and supplies . At the campsite Chris started writing in his notebook . Homer and Robyn were making pens to hold the lambs . Later that night they all had lamb for dinner . They sat around the fire and talked about their next attack . They planned to blow up all the houses on Tuner Street . Tuner Street was where the invaders kept their head quarters and where half their people stayed . Lee told everybody to get a toaster . Everybody left and came back ten minutes later . They all went to a house and turned on every gas stove and heater they found . Using the toasters ' heat they blew up all the houses . Half an hour later the whole street blew up and caught on fire . This book is the second book in the Tomorrow Series . This is a adventurous and thrilling book . Thank you , Marcus author : John MarsdenOne day a girl named Ellie lived in a small town called Wirrawee . Ellie asked her parents if she can go on a camping trip with her friends for a week . Ellie 's parents said yes if she brings at least five friends . Ellie called Robyn , Lee , Fi , Homer , Kevin , and Corrie . All her friends ' parents said they can go on the camping trip . Elli also asked her dad if she can take the Land Rover since it has the most room for all the camping bags and food . Her dad said she can take the car but she is the only one who can drive it . Ellie and all her friends got the Land Rover packed up and ready to go the next day at her house . They all headed off for the mountains to a placed called Hell . At Hell there lived a man , his wife , and their three month old child . The man killed his family and left to a different country and no one has seen him since . They all got their bags and headed into Hell . They walked till they found a big open spot to stay at . They unpacked their bags and got ready for dinner . All week that they were camping they slept , talked , and swam in the lake . They got their bags ready and headed back to their houses . When they got back to Ellie 's house there was no one home and her three puppies were dead . There was no power in her house . Ellie soon found out that nobody was in town . There were army people walking around the town . They were wearing different uniforms then the Country 's . Ellie found out that the town was invaded . Read this awesome , adventurous , and mysterious book . Also find out what happened to the people in town . Thank you , Marcus author : a collection of authorsThis book is about stories of horror written by many authors such as Edger Allen Poe , Charles Dickens , and William Hope Hodgson . You will find stories of death , disease , and evil . My favorite story is Sir Dominick 's Bargain , written by Sheridan Le Fanu . This short story is about Sir Dominick , who becomes in debt and owes a large sum of money . A good friend of Sir Dominick tells him a legend . If you go in the forest at night the devil offers you money , but makes you sign a paper that has ancient writing on it . Nevertheless , Sir Dominick was very desperate and in need of money , so he went into the forest to make a deal with the devil . To find out what happens next read the rest of this scary and disturbing book . Thank you , Kyle author : Matt ChristopherBrett , a kid in Springtown , is trying to get the town to build a skate park . Brett writes a letter to the newspaper . He is skateboarding on the sidewalk because it 's illegal to skateboard in the street . Everyone is mad that he and his friends are skateboarding on the side walks . Then Brett gets a phone call to know if they 're getting a skate park . Brett 's mother , father , and sister thought it was a terrific idea . Brett 's father and mother are on the town committee and his parents voted yes . Brett doesn 't know everybody else voted yes or no . Read this book to find out if the town gets a skate park . Thank you , Ashlee author : Elizabeth Cody KimmelKat 's Mother is a medium , a person who sees spirits . On Kat 's thirteenth birthday she starts to see them also . Kat and Jac are working on a history project in the library , when a book falls off the shelf . When they put it back , it falls off again . As Kat is flipping through the pages , she notices a picture of a girl who is holding a flute . She reads the name Suzanne Bennis . Kat read that Suzanne had died as a senior in high school in 1960 . After they were done with the book , Kat saw something out of the corner of her eye . It was a figure which happens to look just like Suzanne Bennis . She was holding a flute just like the girl in the picture . Was this Suzanne or was Kat seeing things ? Should she try to help the spirit or just run ? Read " Suddenly Supernatural School Spirit " to enjoy this chilling yet exciting book . Thank you , Shaina Dear Parents / Guardians , Your children have been writing beautifully and have written some wonderful thoughts this week . If you could take a few moments , please read their posts below and if you wish , leave your own comments . This is strictly optional , don 't feel obligated . Thank you . Mr . Thatcher My brother Kyle is special to me because Kyle and I go trail riding in my brother 's 4x4 truck . My brother has a paintball gun , he does not let me use it but I still love him . My brother and I also go to Dunkin Donuts to get something to eat . My brother Kyle is special to me . by : KodyMy Pop Pop is special to me because when I was growing up he was always there for me . I loved him very much . He would always remember to bring home a gift for me every time he goes on a trip . He knew that I was shy and he would tell me not to be afraid and do the thing I really wanted . He also helped me with my homework every night . I leaned a lot from my Pop Pop and I miss him very much . I think of him now as my guardian angel . I know he is sill there for me . I will never forget my Pop Pop . JennaMy grandmom is special to me because she makes me cookies . My grandmom is nice , kind , and happy when I see her . I love to go to my grandmom 's to see all my friends . I used to live in my grandmom 's neighborhood . There was a huge park right in front of my house . It was great living in my old house . by : MarcusMy mom is special to me because she takes good care of me . My mom is special because she helps me do some things in the house . My mom takes me places . She makes me all kinds of foods . She loves to play with me all of the time . She also likes to play board games with me . My mom does a lot of things for me . by : CassieMy mom is special to me because she is what makes me happy . I love my mom very much . I always like it when I come home from school . I like to hug her when I get home from school because I missed her . I know that she loves me a lot . by : DanMy Mom is special to me because she was always there for me . She always helps me with anything I need help with . My mom loves to ride just like me . My Mom likes to hunt like me too . My Mom likes the same music I do . by : JCMy Mom is special to me because when I am sick she takes care of me , I love my mom because she always makes sure that I have food in the morning , I love my mom because when I feel baPosted by author : Karen HesseThis book I read is very weird . This book is about a little girl . This little girl lives in a hospital because she was on a plane with her mom and dad and got lost at sea . The little girl did not see her mom or dad after that plane crash . Someone found her and got her out of the sea . She was brought to the Boston Hospital . The girl 's name is Milla . When Milla was lost at sea dolphins came to her . Since Milla was a little girl she still remembers about the dolphins . She always talks about them . She always talks about the sounds they make . When Milla went to the hospital she met a girl name Sandy . Sandy and Milla were best friends . They talked about the things they like . Milla always talks about dolphins . Milla wanted to go to in the water with Sandy because that was another thing she liked to do . To find out if Milla goes back in the sea , read this book . Thank you , Cassie author : Karen HesseThis is a weird story . This is a story about a little girl who was riding a plane and was lost at sea . The Coast Guard came and looked for survivors and they found one survivor . The Coast Guard came and picked Mila up and took her to a hospital . The doctor 's name was Doctor Beck . Doctor Beck was very nice . Doctor Beck made a deal with the government for Mila to stay with them . The hospital Mila lives in is in Boston . Mila met a girl named Sandy . Sandy is a very nice girl to Mila . Mila remembers the dolphin family she was with . Mila talks about the noises the dolphins made . Doctor Beck let Mila listen to some tapes . The tapes are about the dolphins noises . Mila loves to hear the noises . Read this story to find if Mila goes back to the sea . Thank you , Kody author : Linda ZuckermanIn the town of Stonehaven lives Harry Fox . Harry 's little brother Isaac is in need of food and so is the town . Isaac offers to pay Harry to spy on a group of rabbits living behind a wall . Behind those walls lives Quentin Rabbit , Quentin , Frank , and Zack go to a cafe where they talk about a number of disappearances of rabbits . Soon after Quentin goes back to his home to meet up with Frank and Zack , Zack is the first to arrive . A while later Frank comes busting through the door saying that his family is missing . Frank said that he was going to jump the wall to go find his family , Quentin tried to convince Frank not to jump but there was no stopping him . So Quentin and Zack jumped with Frank to make sure that he doesn 't get hurt . Meanwhile Harry stays at The Forest Inn , where he bumped into a weasel named Gerard . Gerard decided to talk to Harry , He asked where Harry was going . Harry responded with ' ' I am going to go in search of rabbits ' ' . To find out want happens to Harry and Quentin , read this excellent book . Thank you , Kyle author : Andi WatsonCharlotte and her boyfriend Howard , a groundskeeper , are on a life and death misson . They are trying to figure out who murdered a person and why he or she dumped the body in the lake on the golf course . Charlotte and Howard find mysterious coins on the ground . Charlotte looks up information on the computer about symbols from the coins . She figures out the murderer 's secrets . Charlotte and Howard work together to bring the murderer to justice . Charlottes ' boyfriend suspects that it was her Grandfather who killed someone . This is a strange " graphic " novel . Read " Clubbing " to find out who the murderer is and what happens to Charlotte and Howard . Thank you , Ashlee author : Paula DanzigerThis story is about Marcy and how she hates her father and how she wishes she was at camp . Marcy is getting ready to go to camp but she 's already homesick . Marcy arrived at camp . She met so many new people at camp . Marcy got introduced to her bunk and all the people in the bunk . There was this one girl that always wanted to go hiking . There 's a new girl and her name is Ginger . No one likes Ginger so someone put a marshmallow in her hair . It is only Ginger 's first day . Marcy and Ted sneaked out to see each other . Ted is taking Marcy on a date to Woodstock . Some one is playing pranks on all of the people at camp and no one knows who is doing it . There is a bat in bunk five and Marcy had to get rid of it . Marcy was so afraid of the bat because she thought that it was a vampire . In the morning , they saw a letter saying Ginger has run away . The whole camp was looking for Ginger and they finally found her . Marcy finally realized why Ginger had left . Ginger left because no one was nice to her . Ginger was the person playing pranks on all the people at camp . It was finally time to go home at the end of the summer . It was a fun and an exciting summer for most of the campers . Thank you , Steven author : Chris D ' LaceyOne day a boy named David was looking for a room to stay at while he went to college . The house he finds was full of clay dragons . The owner was a nice lady named Liz Pennykettle and her daughter Lucy . Liz and Lucy make clay dragons and sells them at the market on the weekends . Lucy tells David all about Conker . Conker is a squirrel that has a badly scratched eye . David finds out that a huge black crow clawed Conker 's eye . Liz tells David that Lucy 's birthday is next week . David writes Lucy a story about squirrels since she loves them . Liz gives David a clay dragon that is holding a pencil and a pad of paper . David names the dragon Gadzookie . Liz tells David he must love the dragon or it will die . David gives Liz a funny look and she walks away . It was raining that day so David started writing Lucy 's story . The door bell rang and a girl named Stephanie from the Wild Life Center came and asked about Conker . Stephanie gives David her phone number and tells him to call her . Read this awesome mysterious , adventure book . Find out if Conker lives and also find out if David goes out with Stephanie . Thank you , Marcus Hello , This is from Mr . Thatcher . Your homework assignment for tonight is to follow these directions . You will go to the " comment " section and write three good descriptive sentences in a small paragraph explaining one of your favorite things to do during the summer . Remember to leave your name . SoccerOur soccer season last year was fun and exciting . The team and I won our first soccer game . The team and I were happy . The next day we went to soccer practice for an hour . I had fun at soccer . That year we did many fun things . I went to the store for new soccer balls . I was playing soccer and I slipped in the mud it was funny . I went home and got ready for the soccer game and went back to play soccer . I ran for the ball and I flipped on my back . The next practice we had was fun because we all got to play in the mud . I had fun that year playing soccer because all my friends were there playing too . JennaOne Snowy DayIt was cold and windy outside . Six of my friends and I were inside my house playing xbox . We were drinking hot chocolate and playing Halo 3 . I was having so much fun hanging out with my old friends . I was winning like always and my brother was playing too . My brother and I were on the same team . I was surprised that he was doing so well . He was better than most of my friends . I was shocked . So it was my brother and I versus my friends . After we were done we went outside to play in the snow . We ended up having a snow ball fight . We were all wet from the snow and went back inside the house . We drank hot chocolate and played Halo 3 again . Today was one of the best days in a long time . Even if it was cold , windy , and snowy outside , we had fun . MarcusMy Best DayI couldn 't wait until Saturday . I was just invited to my first Flyers game . I was so exited that I couldn 't sleep at all that night . The Flyers are the best team ever and I love hockey . Ashlee said that are tickets were for box seats . They are the best seats ever . When I walked in , the first thing I noticed was the smell of delicious cookies and brownies . T grabbed a soda and took a seat in the front row . I could see the whole stadium . During the game I could do nothing but thank Ashlee for the best day of my life . I also couldn 't wait to try the huge cookies and brownies . The Flyers were in the lead by the middle of the game . Then it got tough . At thePosted by author : R . L . StineDiedre 's father has a dream of opening up a park . They test out some of the rides and a tragic accident happens . The Ferris wheel falls and cuts off Diedre 's boyfriend 's head . Later Diedre starts to like Robin and hangs out with him . Robin doesn 't want the Bradleys to open up Fear Park . He does everything in his power to shut down the Fear Park but fails . After a couple of days , bad things start to happen . People start to die . Diedre thinks it 's the " Fear Curse " , but isn 't sure and wants to close the park . After several deaths Diedre 's father still wants his dream to come true . Robin and Diedre start to become more that friends . Is the " Fear Curse " real or is it a hoax ? Read " Fear Park Part Two , The Loudest Scream " to find out about this gruesome mystery . Thank you , Shaina author : Richard PeckEvery summer Joe and Mary leave Chicago to go live with Grandma in her old farm house . It is always exciting and fun at grandma 's house . One summer , Grandma thinks ShotGun Cheatham , who had died , moved in his casket . She got her twelve - gauge double - barreled Winchester model 21 and shot at him , but it was really Grandma 's cat . Once Grandma , Mary , and Joey went fishing . Grandma stole a boat to fish . Joey fainted because a snake fell in the boat , he was always afraid of snakes . Grandma was rowing down the river when we saw O . B . Dickerson and all of his friends hammered drunk and half naked . They were partying on the shore with beer bottles everywhere . Another time Grandma was getting ready for the town 's pie contest . Joe and Mary had to pick gooseberries for Grandma 's pie . Grandma , Mary , and Joe went to the pie contest and dropped off Grandma 's pie . Grandma switched her pie with Rupert Pennypacer because she thought his was better . Grandma lost the contest . If she didn 't switch her pie with Rupert she would have won the contest . As Mary , Joe , And Grandma got older they started their new lives . Joe joined the Army , Mary married Ray Veech , a old friend from Grandma 's town . Grandma is still up to the same old , same old ways . Mary and Joe always will have great memories of the summers spent with Grandma . This is an amusing and a humorous novel . I would recommend this book to anyone that likes comical storiesThank you , Steven author : Paula DanzigerOne day a 10 year old girl named Marcy was going away to camp . Marcy wants to be a writer at camp . She is going to Camp Serenity . Camp Serenity is a summer camp . Their bunk number is five . Marcy met up with some guy named Ted . Marcy and Ted are going on a date to the movies , dinner and Woodstock , which is a store . Marcy met a girl named Corrine , who turned out to be very friendly . They all had a bunk meeting about the camp fair . After that they all went to bed . Marcy heard someone scream there 's a bat in bunk five ! Marcy and Ted ran over to bunk five and asked what had happened . Ted took the broom and wacked the bat down . They planned a funeral to bury the bat . There is going to be a skit for the talent show at the fair . Marcy is running a cotton candy machine at the fair and is going to play some games . The games are basketball , spin the bottle , and the dunking booth game . When everybody got back to their bunk they notice that Ginger had run away . What happened to Ginger ? Read this fabulous book to find out what happens to Ginger and the campers at Bunk Five . Thank you , Kody author : Paula DanzigerMarcy a young girl is getting ready to go to a camp . She is going to a summer camp . She wants to become a CIT and a writer at camp . The camp 's name is Camp Serenity . Marcy went to camp and met a girl name Corrine . Corrine and Marcy started to clean their bunk . After that Marcy went outside and met a lot of other kids . Two days later at camp Marcy meet a boy name Ted . Ted and Marcy were best friends . That night all of the kids went to a bunk meeting . When the meeting was over they went back to their bunks . One kid screamed there 's a bat in bunk five . Marcy jumped out of her bed and ran outside . Ted grabbed a broom and whacked the bat . Ted killed the bat . The kids in bunk five said we should give the bat a funeral . All of the kids buried the bat and went to bed . The next morning Marcy said to her friends we should have a carnival to cheer the kids up because of the bat . Corrine and some of the kids clean up camp for the carnival . At the carnival there is going to be a lot of games . The carnival will be soon for the kids . All of the kids are exited for Saturday . The carnival , the carnival , screamed a kid . All of the kids woke up and start playing games . After the carnival was over , everyone went back to their bunks . Ginger , Marcy 's friend , ran away from camp . Ted and Marcy looked for her . To find out if Ted or Marcy finds Ginger , read this bookThank you , Cassie author : J . K . RowlingA young child named Harry Potter lost his wizard parents by an evil wizard named Voldemort . Ten years later Harry goes to the Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry , because Voldemort transfered some powers into Harry . At Hogwarts , Harry learns to do some spells . Harry also becomes friends with Ron , Hermione , and Hagrid the Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts . At Hogwarts the third floor is forbidden . Ron , Harry , and Hermione go up to the third floor and find a room with a three headed dog in it . They look down and see a trap door and quickly leave the room when the dog chases them . Ron and Hermione , who is very smart , help Harry search for a book about Nicholas Flamel . Before Harry 's father died , he gave a special cloak to Harry that makes him invisible . Harry is able to go in restricted areas to help with his search . Deep under Hogwarts is the Sorcerer Stone . Will Harry , Ron , and Hermione complete the three tasks to get the Sorcerer Stone ? This is a good book to read . A mystery book , it is filled with exciting and thrilling moments . Thank you , Andrew and Joe author : Paula DanzigerMarcy , a little girl is going to a summer camp . Marcy wants to become a CIT at camp . Marcy meets a boy , his name is Ted . Marcy and Ted are going on a date to the movies , dinner , and WoodStock . They go back to the camp and got their first kiss for the first time . Marcy wants to be a writer . Marcy meets a girl , her name was Corrine . Corrine is a very nice girl . Marcy and Corrine are very good friends . One day Marcy meets another girl in the camp The girl 's name was Ginger . One day Ginger ran away because everyone was being mean to her at the camp . Marcy said to Corrine that Ginger had twenty dollars in her room . Marcy ran to the room and ran back again and yelled to Corrine that the twenty dollars was gone . Ted went to go find Ginger . Ted found Ginger at WoodStock waiting for a bus . Marcy and Corrine are happy that Ted found her . Ginger was being mean to Ted because he was going to call her parents to come and pick her up . Later at camp Marcy and Ted are getting ready for the fair . Marcy and Corrine are in charge of the cotton - candy . At the fair there are going to be games to play . The games are basketball and a dunking booth . Marcy and Corrine are going to clean up the fair . At the last day of camp all the CIT and the children can 't wait for the next year and summer . Thank you , Jenna author : Delia ShermanNeef went to the Soltice Dance , disobeying her mother and the Green Lady of Central Park . If Neef doesn 't get things the Green Lady wants , the Wild Hunt will kill her . The Wild Hunt is a group of creatures that come out mostly at night . Neef travels through New York City to find what she needs . On her way she meets a lot of interesting and different people . Neef meets a vampire girl who lives at a vampire hotel . She also meets weird and twisted people . You need to read this book to find out who she makes a deal with . This book is filled with fantasy and adventure . Thank you , Ashlee author : Lene KaaberbolThe Shamer 's Chronicles by Lene Kaaberbol has four great books . Each book has a wonderful little girl named Dina . Dina has two great gifts , The Shamer 's eyes and the Black Master 's flute . In the first book , Dina meets a man named Nico . Nico was accused of killing his family . Dina and her mother believes that Nico didn 't kill his family . In the second book Dina meets a nice girl named Rose . Rose is only a few years older then Dina . Dina and Rose becomes best friends at the end of book two . In the third book Rose lives with Dina and Dina gets to meet her own father . Dina finds out that her father is a Black Master and can make people fall asleep . In the fourth book , Dina 's father gives her his mysterious , magical flute and Dina learns how to play it . Dina 's mother does not like Dina playing the dangerous flute . Read The Shamer 's Chronicles if you like thrilling , mysterious , and magical books . Thank you , Marcu $ author : Lene KaaberbolDina , a ten year old girl , lives in a poor village called Cherry Tree Cottage . No one in Cherry Tree Cottage can look Dina in the eyes . Dina has a unusual gift . Her gift lets her see all the shameful things anyone has done . Dina has no friends that will look or talk to her . One stormy night , a tall man on a huge horse brought a letter for Dina 's mother . Her mother reads the wet wrinkle piece of paper and dashes out the door with the tall man . As she 's leaving , Dina 's mother promises her that she will be back by sunrise . Dina went to bed and when she woke up her mother was not there . Read this great book to see what happens to Dina and her mother . This is an on the edge of your chair kind of book . Thank you , Marcu $ author : Lene KaaberbolA twelve year old girl named Dina lives on a small farm . Dina has a gift that allows her to put shame on people by looking them in the eyes . One day Dina and her mother went out on their horses . A man named Ivain Laclan lead Dina and her mother through the mountains . They were lead in to a huge ambush of mean people . Dina 's mother is shot in the shoulder with a bow and arrow . Leading her mother into the thick woods , they find a magical tree that heals wounds . They hide in the hole under the mysterious tree . Dina goes back to the house to tell everybody what happen to her mother . The next day Davin , Dina 's big brother , battles Ivain Laclan with swords . Read this great book to find out if Davin and his mother survive . Thank you , Marcu $ author : Lene KaaberbolOne day a young man named Davin and his friend Nico were eating breakfast . Davin noticed the fog out side and the sound of music . Dina , Davin 's little sister , told their mother Dina 's pony is missing and there is a hole in the fence . Their mother tells them to go find the rare pony . Dina sees her pony and it is taking her to the beautiful flute music that is playing . Dina sees a man playing a red and black striped flute . The man said his name was Sezuan . Sezuan helps Dina find her pony . After they find the pony Sezuan and Dina return to the house . Dina 's mother sees Sezuan and tells him to go away and never come back . Sezuan walks away sadly . He says " All I wanted was to see Dina , after all she is my daughter . " Dina 's mother runs inside the house with her family . Their dog was put outside and they lock the front door . The dog bravely yelled . The famly sat inside till the fog was gone . They went outside and found their beloved pet dog dead . The dog 's stomach was ripped open and Dina asked her mother why she put the dog outside . Her mother tells Dina that Sezuan is a black master . A black master is a serpent that makes people see things that are not there and he is seen only when he wants to be seen . Find out who killed Dina 's beloved dog and the mysterious black master Sezuan . So far this is the best out of the three books that I have read written by Lene Kaaberbol . Thank you , Marcu $ author : Lene KaaberbolOne day two guys named Nico and Davin were training with their swords in the barn . Davin thinks Nico is planning to kill his half brother Drakan . Drakan has a army of ten thousand men and ten dragons . Nico wants to stop him before he takes over the high lands . Drakan uses his huge , hungry dragons to eat people that do not work for him . When Nico , Davin , and his sisters Dina and Rose go to Ferness to get supplies , Davin hears Nico talking to a person called The Crow . He owns one of the fastest ships in Ferness . Drakan is offering one hundred gold markers for Nico 's head . Nico found out that Davin and his best friend Black Arsh made a bomb . Davin and Black Arsh put the bomb on top of the mountain above the king of dragons . The bomb blew up the snow and rocks on top of the mountain and fell . Almost half of Drakan 's army and his most prized dragon die . Nico and Drakan walk into The Ring of Iron made out of swords and they began to battle . Read this great book to find out if Drakan succeeds in taking over the high lands . This is an adventurous and thrilling action book . Thank you , Marcu $ Welcome to our blog created and updated by a select group of students attending OMS . Our intent is to post book reviews written by students to provide a middle school child 's perspective of novels . All postings are strictly written by students but are moderated by the supervising teacher , Mr . Thatcher . Comments are appreciated and are also moderated meaning some time may pass before they 're posted . Thank You , Mr . Thatcher and Class Welcome to our blog created and updated by a select group of students attending OMS . Our intent is to post book reviews written by students to provide a middle school child 's perspective of novels . All postings are strictly written by students but are moderated by the supervising teacher , Mr . Thatcher . Comments are appreciated and are also moderated meaning some time may pass before they 're posted . Thank You , Mr . Thatcher and Class
|
Mr O wandered down sleepily to feed the horses this morning , and was met by Fudge . Standing there . Out of his stable . And while he was out he 'd eaten . . . half a bucket of sugar beet , loads of Alfa - A , most of three haynets , half a sack of carrots and Zak , Barnaby and Max 's breakfast . It was like Quentin Tarantino meets The Very Hungry Caterpillar . There was a chunk of his mane on the floor outside Barnaby 's door , where Barnaby had clearly reprimanded him for being there ( and eating his breakfast ) and a pile of droppings on the floor . What goes in . . . Mr O came upstairs and suggested I come and have a look . Obviously my first worry was colic . I rushed down . Fudge had retreated to the back of his stable , and looked totally guilty . " My tummy hurts ! " he said . " Of course it does , " shouted Max , " It 's full of my flippin breakfast ! " We swept everything up , and I went into Fudge 's stable to listen to his stomach . It was totally silent . ( A healthy horse 's gut should make lots of burbling noises . ) I stayed with him for ages , but he wasn 't showing any signs . I think he has been remarkably fortunate . Mr O rode Zak and I decided to lunge Max , as all the horses stayed in yesterday while the weather was so bad . He was quite calm actually , just doing a funny canter with his head on the floor , hoping to snip off some grass with his teeth . Barnaby had worked himself into a lather by the time we got back in . He was furious that his dad rode Zak first and not him . As soon as Mr O started grooming him and tacking him up he went silent and relaxed . Silly horse . It was snowing when we left , so Max was headshaking as he doesn 't like it , like in the summer when the flies bother him . We rode down into the village , and Max was a superstar . He didn 't spook at anything . The village was quite busy , and he looked at everything , but wasn 't naughty at all . We rode past the Black Swan , then turned for home , past the playing fields and tennis courts , then up the steep hill , which was the whole point of going . Max just rolled his shoulders and up he went . BarnaPosted by Mr O has been off work all week and it 's been a real blessing , especially since my little accident on the ice , as I didn 't realise at the time , but I 've hurt my left arm as much as my left leg . You 'd be amazed at how much you use your left arm while mucking out , even when you 're right handed . We are having the most appalling weather . It 's been raining non - stop since 4am . I know because I was awake listening to it . Yesterday turned out to be ' grandchildrens ' day ' as we managed to see everybody in the afternoon , the Flower Fairy first , who was on fine form , and then the Junior Rovers . I so adore Christian , who came in and said , " You 're a donkey ! " I said , " Hee - aww , he - aww , he aww - ways says that when he sees me , " to which he fell about laughing . You have to be on your toes with that boy , he 's very sharp . I think Jake is catching up in the articulation stakes , though . He started nursery in January . I said , " Do you go to nursery ? " He said , " I do , " in a very serious voice . The baby just smiled . Who knows what treats lay in store from that rapidly developing mind ? - O - As you may know , Terry Wogan left the Breakfast Show on Radio 2 just before Christmas , and will be sorely missed . However , I 'm pleased to say , Chris Evans is my new best friend . I am thoroughly enjoying his show in the mornings . A couple of weeks ago we saw the film ' Yes Man ' with Jim Carrey , in which he plays the role of a man who always said no to everything , and decides to say yes to everything instead , and take the consequences . It 's a thought provoking film , actually , and I really enjoyed it . I 'm telling you this because Chris Evans is turning into a Yes Man , and I am thrilled . A few weeks ago , they did a feature on , ' Who is called Doris ? ' and loads of people rang up to say they were named Doris . Then they asked who was the oldest Doris , and found out about a woman who is 95 , called Doris , who abseils for charity . The next day they had her on the programme . I was thrilled to listen to this woman , as she lives in Portsmouth ( where I am from ) and abseils to rPosted by Actually , it occurs to me I have a few things to confess . Do you remember I said I had to confess something about sewing ? Well I 'd better get it off my chest , now I 've mentioned it . When I was about 14 I did needlework as a school lesson , and hated it , and was hopeless at it . To this day I can sew on a button and repair a hem that 's come down , and that 's about it . Anyway , we had exams when we were 14 , to help us decide which subjects to do for ' O ' Level , so sure enough , the inevitable needlework exam came around . To my surprise , and joy , the exam took place in the needlework room , where there were helpful and informative posters all around the walls , with diagrams showing you how to thread a sewing machine , etc , and it transpired that just such information was required in the exam , so I merrily copied everything off the walls onto the exam paper . I can 't recall what my record was up until then , but imagine my teacher 's surprise when the exam results showed I 'd got 100 % and she felt she 'd discovered a heretofore unrecognised star in the making . After that , she consulted me regularly , with such questions as , " Do you think the girls would enjoy making this , Jane ? " to which I desperately wanted to reply , " Don 't ask me , love , I wouldn 't have a clue . " I never found out what her reaction was when she found out I 'd decided to take up Geography instead . . . - O - Mr O and I walked the horses through the snow yesterday , down the hill to the riding school , for our lesson . The track down to the school was extremely icy , so the instructor advised us to walk slowly and carefully , as we might slip . The words were barely out of her mouth , when ' Crash ! ' there I was , lying on the floor . I landed on my hip , and that familiar burning sensation began immediately . It was almost worth it just to see the look of astonishment on Max 's face . His blue eyes were very bright , and he seemed to be saying , " Blimey , I didn 't know she could do it all by herself ! " I managed to haul myself into the saddle , once we reached the arena , and the lesson began . Posted by I 'm on a forum called Trot on TV , which is turning out to be quite fun . A person I 've never heard of left me a message yesterday , asking if I 'm in Your Horse magazine . Now , I wrote an article for it , which went in last October , so I wondered if she meant that , but the picture that went with it was just a head shot of me , so I couldn 't understand how she would have worked it out . There was no picture of Max to go with it . So I put a message on Facebook yesterday , asking if I 'm in it again , and it turns out there 's a picture of me on Max ( the one that I 've used on my profile here ) so I need to rush to Tesco and buy a copy immediately ! I can 't believe it , I 've been in there twice now , how fab . Hope Mr O doesn 't mind . Because today , as I said , I want to tell you a little bit more about Barnaby . Let 's start with some stats : Breed : Irish Cob ( the ' Irish ' bit means he goes like the clappers ! ) Show Name : Earl GreyAge : 13 Height : 15 . 1hh ( will put it in cm as soon as I 've worked it out ! ) We 've owned him for five years . Mr O had had four riding lessons and decided it was time to buy a horse , and started scouring the adverts . A horse had been advertised three weeks in a row , in the Yorkshire Post and was quite cheap . I said there had to be something wrong with him to be put in at such a low price , especially as he kept on being advertised . After a lot of fruitless searching elsewhere , I caved in , and we drove up to Otley , near Leeds , to go and ' view ' him . ( It makes him sound like a house , doesn 't it ? ) We drove down a winding country lane and at the end was a field and a little set of stables . We were met by a very nice couple , who went and got a beautiful grey cob out of the field . This was our first sighting of the horse that was to come to mean so much . I asked her to tack him up , and to ride him , which she did ( nervously ) and then asked her to ride him up the road . She rode him up to an incredibly busy road , and round a roundabout . He didn 't flinch at anything . She stopped on the pavement on the way back , hopped off , and I got Posted by I just want to say a bigCongratulations ! to Amy Williams , for winning her gold medal in the skeleton bob . It just doesn 't happen to us , does it ? Well done , duck , we 're proud of you ! Unlike Vancouver , we have lots of snow , and are snowed in again . The road outside is really bad . We mucked out and cleared all the old hay out of the barn again . Then Mr O decided to paint the stables . The smell of bitumen hung heavy in the air . Luckily the tractor started first time , so we were able to get the week 's supply of haylage into the barn . This takes three of us , Pongo drives the tractor , I do all the gates , and guide him across the road and Mr O puts the pallets down for each bale of haylage . I have found two pallets that are solid , with no gaps in the wood , so I am going to use them as a bridge , in the lunge ring , to get Max to walk across them . I have spent time over the last two days trying to do a card for Nine ( who will be 10 ! ) His birthday isn 't until April , so I 've got plenty of time , but it 's a good job , as it 's taking me ages to put together something I 'm happy with . Sometimes it 's a lot harder to make a card for someone you know than it would be just to make a card . It 's very frustrating . Nine likes dinosaurs , but I don 't want to buy a stamp to only use on one card , then never use it again . In the end Mr O suggested using clip art , and printing something out , which I did , but I am playing with colours and bits of paper and am still not satisfied . But I forgot that my magazine , Papercraft Inspirations , has a website . I had a look here where they have lots of free papers and templates . Of course you have to buy the magazine to see what they did with the papers , but they 're very inspiring . There are jungle papers , so I 'm going to print some off and see what I can do . I 've got to tell you , I had an absolutely awful nightmare last night . I dreamed we hadn 't lived here very long , and I saw two women with children on ponies , walking along to the left of our house , but it was a really long , grassy river bank . I asked them wherPosted by We 've had snow again for the past two days . The trouble is , it keeps melting by late afternoon , by which time , it 's too late to ride . It is definitely getting light earlier in the mornings now , though , and not getting dark until well after five . I heard two horses trotting past the house yesterday , and felt like rushing out and shouting , " Go home ! It 's not fair ! If I 'm not riding , you shouldn 't be riding ! " Can you imagine the looks on their faces if I really did it ? They 'd go back to their yard and say , " That mad old lady from Moor Farm was out again ! " Tempting though . . . The farrier came today . One day I shall pluck up the courage to ask if I can photograph him ( and his partner ) at work , and put some pics on here . He came at 10 . 30 , so Barnaby had been kicking his door most of the morning . I managed to block it out in the end . When I went indoors he stopped doing it , so it 's a bit obvious it 's attention seeking , isn 't it ? Fudge just had a trim . He reared up when the farrier did his front foot . He 's only a little pony , but his head was touching the ceiling . His feet may still be sensitive , I suppose , but that was a little extreme . The chickens don 't want to go home until 5pm now , so I am letting them put themselves away and going to check on them and shut the door . I am a bit concerned , though . Do you remember Mr O and I saw a fox running across the field last week ? Then Missis said Lexus had rolled in fox poo on Sunday night , so the fox has been in their garden . If you come any closer Charles James , you 'll be sorry . We did have pancakes , by the way , and they were gorgeous . I first made them when David was a toddler . We were watching Blue Peter one afternoon , when the presenter ( I forget who it was ) made pancakes . She started off with a perfectly good mixture , but kept pestering it , until she ended up with a pile of scrambled eggs in the middle of the pan . Of course it 's live television , so there was nothing she could do about it . I was laughing my head off at her predicament ( you can 't swear on live children 's TV , aftPosted by I sat here yesterday , watching my washing go round and round in the washing machine , wondering why it was making such a loud clanking noise , and spotted my penknife , gasping for breath at the edge of the water . Not a problem , really , as I recovered it , and the little torch on it still works . ( And for anyone who 's thinking , ' Crikey , I 'd like to be able to sit and watch my washing going round for half an hour ' , please bear in mind that I was sitting there because I wasn 't physically capable of getting up ! ) Last week I wondered where my watch was , and found it in my trouser pocket as I pulled it from the tumble dryer . It was only when Mr O pointed out that to get to the tumble dryer it must first have been through a wash cycle , I took a closer look , only to find it had been ten to three for the past two hours . I have sadly laid it to rest . Also yesterday , I came in from the cold to make myself a cup of coffee , and moved my arm at the wrong time and knocked the whole jar of coffee onto the floor , smashing the jar and sending coffee granules everywhere . I made sure Tessa stayed in her bed while I swept up every shard of glass , and every last granule . I hate it when something gets broken , don 't you ? It always seems such a shock . But , on the bright side . . . I am reading a book called ' Deutsch Direkt ' . It 's a German language course book for adults and it has been my close companion for at least fifteen years ( I noticed my maiden name is written inside the front cover ) . I reached for the next book , called ' Ganz Spontan ' and read that it is in fact the third book in the series , and what I should be reading next is ' Deutsch Express ' . I began to search for a copy on the internet , and have considered trying to find it in the library . I mentioned it to Missis on Monday , and she said , " Oh , I 've got that . " I am astonished . She gave it to me yesterday , and three tapes to go with it . It looks really good , and I can 't wait to start working through it . I am often the willing victim of an act of generosity such as this , and give my heartfPosted by I came out to feed the horses this morning to a thick mist everywhere . It made me so glad that I 'd booked a lesson at the riding school , otherwise it would have been another day just to chuck out and muck out . So I fed everybody and went indoors for some sustenance of my own , then tacked Max up and set off down the road . I wore my hi - viz jacket , just to be on the safe side . Max can be quite spooky when it 's foggy , but he seemed content to amble along behind me , which was lovely . Rosie was there to meet us , and we walked down the track to the indoor school . There was someone already riding in there , but Max wasn 't phased by it . I got on and warmed him up and it was obvious from the start that he was in a much more relaxed mood compared to last week . We did some excellent work today , with me trying really hard to keep my legs still . I am very fit , but can 't seem to stop my lower leg from moving about . I only do it in the school , and only on Max , so it 's something to do with my leg length in relation to his tummy size ! I also worked for at least ten minutes without stirrups , which nearly killed me , but it 's well worth it . If I can get down to Jolly Farmer 's on Wednesday I 'll do it again . I was pleased that my balance was good , though , especially as it was all circle work . I 've booked us in again for next week . When I say ' us ' I mean Mr O and I . This is because , as you know , I did three days work last week ( when I muck out all six horses as Missis is away ) and I have two days this week , as Pongo and Missis are taking the children to London for an overnight stay , but Missis is flying straight on to America from there , so I am doing the horses over the weekend , and every day next week . But the most fantastic thing is that Mr O is taking a week off work , as a ' holiday ' so he can help me out . I am so pleased , because , to be honest , I 'd be absolutely exhausted by the end of it if I had to do it without help , and I 'd never get to ride , as I wouldn 't have the strength . So this is a massive burden off my shoulders , and I 'm really Posted by I managed to ride yesterday , just round Hilltop , with Mr O , and actually Max was very well behaved . I tried a little canter on the verge , but Max went a bit overboard there , so I brought him back to walk . I was very nervous at the outset , but it went very well , which has done wonders for my confidence . We saw a fox running across Jolly Farmer 's field when we got back . Mr O did a hunting horn noise , and Max 's ears pricked up and he trotted home . Oh well . . . We babysat for Seven and Nine last night so Pongo and Missis could go out for the evening . In fact we looked after the dogs more than the boys , which is thoroughly enjoyable . I can 't let the dogs out until the boys go to bed , as Piper growls at Seven for some inexplicable reason . He isn 't provoked in any way , Seven just needs to be in the same room . I 've actually had Piper on my lap , and he 's been growling in his sleep , because he knows Seven is in the room . That 's the thing , you see , Piper will bite people ( not the children , though ) but seems to really like me . I am honoured . He jumps up on my lap for a cuddle . He is a sheltie , and he leans up against me , and it is fascinating to bury your hands in his fur , and find a small , chunky body underneath . He seems to be wearing a ruff , like Sir Walter Raleigh , and looks down his long , thin nose at you . His fur colouring is amazing , especially when he was out in the snow . He is about nine , the same age as Tessa . Lexus is a different matter . She is a two year old black lab , and just flings herself on you , and sits on your lap , so you can 't see , or breathe . Then she starts licking you , for no apparent reason . She is adorable , though , but she takes up the whole of the sofa . She gets annoyed if Piper sits on my lap for too long , so she runs to the window and barks excitedly . Piper runs over to investigate , and Lexus quickly dives into the vacant place on the sofa . She is very pleased at the success of this trick . We had all fallen asleep in a furry heap by the time Pongo and Missis came home . I am the one who got out of bed thPosted by I was wondering today , why all my pets have more than one name . This is Purdy , also known as Perdita ( it 's Greek for ' the lost one ' ) . But she is also known as Purdy Bird , Purdy Kitten , Peebles and PB . We had a little black and white kitten just before her , but she died of gastroenteritis . I was devastated . Lisa was working in a nursing home at the time and rang one day in some distress as a cat had abandoned its kitten on her doorstep and the RSPCA were coming to take it away , unless we gave it a home , and would dad have it ? As I was the one who would be feeding it and emptying the litter tray , I felt her concern was floating in the wrong direction , but still , I said yes . So this is what popped it 's tiny head out of the box , and I burst into tears . It was love at first sight . A few days later , she went into ' failure - to - thrive mode ' and began to fade away before my very eyes . I couldn 't bear to lose another one so soon . I got hold of her by the scruff of the neck , looked her in the eye and shouted , " You will NOT die ! " She looked at me with a startled expression and decided to live , there and then . She was nine at Christmas . She is my stalker . She sits on my shoulder and licks my neck ( yuk ! ) She is a stunted cat , and has always been tiny . But she has a big personality , and has held her own with the three farm cats here . This is Tigger : aka ' Tigger Angel ' , ' Tig - Pog ' , ' Tiggings ' . He comes to any of these names . He is full of gingerness . He was a feral cat , caught in a net in a field at Gringley - on - the - Hill . We got him at 14 weeks old , as a birthday present for Abby . On his first night in our house , he leapt out of his cardboard box and ran into the corner , under the coffee table . It was pure instinct , but I picked him up , and put him on my lap . He ran back to his safe place under the coffee table . I picked him up . He ran off . I picked him up , laid down on the sofa , and he crawled up to me and laid down with his back under my chin and went to sleep . He stayed there all night , and has been ' my cat ' ever since . He is frightenPosted by It is traditional that the British always talk about the weather . All I can say is , if you 've ever wondered why , come and live here for a while , and the reason will become obvious . Yesterday it snowed every hour , on the hour . In between it was brilliant sunshine . I got the horses in at 1pm as it was blizzarding . But today was the first really sunny day since I - don 't - know - when . Spring is in the air , and not a moment too soon . Yesterday I had Seven and Nine before school , so Pongo could take Missis to the station . Because of that I was late doing the horses , and it seemed to take me forever to muck out . It always does on the first day Missis is away , I wonder why that is ? ( Answers on a post card ! ) I also had the boys after school and in the evening so Pongo could go and play tennis , so I ended up babysitting until ten o ' clock . I did get to do some sewing , though , and started a new cross stitch , which is quite cute . Plus I managed to watch ' Becoming Jane ' . Somebody should have told me James McAvoy is in it . If I 'd known that I 'd have watched it ages ago . Anne Hathaway is very good as Jane Austen . Her accent is quite good . But the real scene stealer has got to be Julie Walters as Jane 's mother . You can see if her mother was really like that , that she would be her inspiration for Mrs Bennett . But James McAvoy . . . I managed to be a lot quicker today , largely due to the fact that Mr O fed round before he went to work , so I just had to swap rugs and put all the horses out . I was , in fact , so much quicker that I decided to do some ' work ' with Max in the afternoon . I set out the obstacles in the lunge pen and took him in ( after a good groom , and general smooching around ) . He had one look at the sacks - on - sticks and went , ' Oh yes , I remember those , ' and put his head down for some serious eating . I had him on the lunge line and picked his head up and we started weaving in and out of the sacks . Last time I just made him walk past them , this time we walked in between . He had a little look , but didn 't really hesitate . It was a bit wiPosted by Poor Mr O was woken by the sound of his mobile going off at 5 . 30am and again at 5 . 55 . It was the alarm company to say the alarm had gone off at work and could he go and check it out . This was fine when we lived in Worksop , a mere ten minutes by car to where Mr O works , but now he is forty - five minutes away , and isn 't the first person on the list to receive a call . Where were you all , huh ? So Mr O had no choice but to get up and go to work , sans tea , sans breakfast , sans everything . My alarm clock ( Barnaby ) went off at 6 . 50 and I decided to get up , so staggered downstairs and outside , to be greeted by a mini - blizzard . I decided that horses are , in fact , horses , and turned them all out . This hadn 't been the original plan , I 'd meant to do some work with Max , but thought it would be a bit mean while it was actually snowing , so decided to muck out instead . Update : the rubber matting in Zak 's stable is fabulous . It takes me ten minutes to muck out instead of forty - five . What a blessing . I just sweep all the muck to the front , shovel it into the barrow , and Bob 's your uncle , Fanny 's your aunt , there 's a clean stable . I put half a bale of fresh straw down and it 's fit for the King 's Horse . I must tell you , though , that when I went to turn Max out , I put his head collar and lead rope on as usual , opened the stable door , stepped right in , facing him , and made him walk backwards six steps before turning him out . It was worth it just to see the look on his face . It said , " You don 't do that to me ! Who do you think you are ? " but he still did it . By golly , he is going to learn to respect my space if it 's the last thing I do . We got the horses in at lunch time , and I decided to take Max down to the manege . I just put his lungeing bridle on , no saddle , and took a lunge line with me . We walked down to the livery yard , enjoying the view together , and got to the manege . I let him off the lunge line , and sent him away . There are two cute mares in a little paddock quite near one end of the school , so Max set off to join them . They didn 't Posted by As you know , I am in need of a little motivation . With this in mind , I rang the local riding school on Saturday and booked myself in for a lesson today . It was just what I needed as this morning it was freezing cold and trying to snow . It was just the sort of day for chucking out , mucking out and going back indoors double quick . But instead , I turned Zak and Barnaby out , mucked Zak out and then tacked Max up , much to his annoyance . He was filthy , but my tack was clean , and so were my riding boots ( two out of three ain 't bad ! ) and we set off , side by side , down the road . My teacher is called Rosie , and she 's very young . Last time I went , which must have been last winter , she really annoyed me , and I came out rather depressed , but today was much better . Max started snorting as soon as we arrived . I walked him down to the indoor school and got on inside . I walked him round to have a look at everything ( lots of scary things in an empty indoor school , you 'd be surprised ! ) and get settled . We started the lesson , and all was going swimmingly , just working on transitions and keeping my flipping flappy legs still , and not lifting my heel up all the time . We were just coming down the long side from A to C when all of a sudden Max lifted up on his hind legs and shot forward , then did it again . It must have looked amazing , and I didn 't come off , but it was like riding a kangaroo , ' airs above the ground ' and all that . Rosie was speechless for a while , and quite pale . The top part of the school is made of slats of wood , and you can see daylight in the gaps . Max had seen a horse being led up the track from the field to the stables and absolutely freaked over it . He did calm down again , but was very ' on his toes ' and did a bit of a ' swing - round ' in the corner facing the other way about ten minutes later . There are horses in the field outside the school , and I think he could hear them moving about and it put him off . But it was a good lesson . I 'm really glad I went , and I 'm going again next week . In fact , the plan is to have a lesPosted by I don 't know if you remember , but a little while before Christmas , Lisa ( daughter 1 ) gave me this cross stitch as a present : I was thrilled with it , and thought she should have saved it and given it to me as a Christmas present . She showed me the design she had used , and on the page was a picture of a chicken who looked just like this : I gazed in delight , and Lisa said she would make it for me , and promptly set to work . Last night Mr O produced this from out of his bag : Isn 't it lovely ? And quite a likeness . I am most impressed . And considering she has a five year old son , a three year old and a four month old baby , I 'm surprised she finds the time to do cross stitch at all ! Thankyou Lisa , I am delighted with it . There are two reasons for the title of today 's post . The first one concerns Zak . A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how to muck out ( English style ! ) and commented that I am not a fan of rubber matting . The tradition here is to put rubber matting on the stable floor and only put a little bit of bedding down , usually shavings . I 'm not keen because the horse will lay in it 's droppings and make their rugs smell . But no matter how much bedding I put in Zak 's stable , he absolutely trashes it . He is by far the muckiest horse I have ever had to muck out ( and I 've done a few ) . He must box - walk and kick his droppings about all over the place , which leaves him with no clean bedding in the morning . It takes hours to muck him out as you try to save a few wisps of straw so you don 't have to put a whole bale of clean straw in every day . The deeper the bed , the worse it gets . Missis has rubber matting , so I asked her what she thought , and she said she thinks it definitely helps with her horse 's stiffness . She does put a full bed down on top of it , though . I started to mull over the possibility of rubber matting . Then , to my surprise , last Saturday , Mr O , totally of his own volition , said , " This horse needs rubber matting ! " I couldn 't agree more . So Mr O has ordered some , and it came yesterday , and we 'll be putting it down tomorrow . It 's not like Missis has got , which is very hard , it 's like what I used to have for Penny , very thick and spongy , and comes in sections cut like jigsaw pieces . Imagine the time saved on mucking out , if this works . It 'll be a real godsend . I have finally , at last , finished the christening card . I knew roughly what I wanted , which was : 1 ) it must look like a christening card , not a new - born baby card . 2 ) it must be personalised . If you 're going to put ' Baby 's Christening ' you may as well go and buy a card from a shop . So here is the result . This is the other ' less is more ' item for today . When I make a card I 'm often tempted to use lots of patterned paper , but it doesn 't work with a christening card , and carPosted by I have had a couple of very busy , but productive days . I have ordered the book ' Perfect Manners ' by Kelly Marks . Lots of people say it 's really good and it really helped their relationship with their horse , so I am going to read it and see what I can do about Max . If I sell him I could be selling a better behaved horse , if it works , and if it transforms him , I 'll keep him ! So I win either way . I have loitered by the letterbox , like a faithful spaniel , but it hasn 't arrived yet . I can 't wait to start reading it . I 've nearly finished my cross stitch for the Christening . It 's very sweet . I am tempted to show you now , but I think I 'd better wait and show you the finished item . I am having a mental block making the christening card . I want it to be silver and white and pink , but I 'm playing around with lots of pieces before I commit to anything . The significance of this is that Abby rang me last week and asked me if I would make all the invitations , place cards etc for her wedding in July . I am thrilled . My first commission ! And the point is , she wants pink , silver and white for her colour scheme . I must tell you , that at the moment , I 'm not very keen on it , but I need to go to Hobbycraft again and see what they 've got and I 'm sure I 'll be inspired . I just need a piece of silver card or paper to finish this christening card off , then I 'll be happy . I did the ironing yesterday and remembered to look for the crafting TV channel and found it on Sky . I stood there , absolutely riveted by this woman demonstrating card making . It 's a bit like QVC though , and I tried not to laugh , but I was very inspired by the cards she made . Before I knew it I 'd been ironing for an hour and a half and had done every single thing , so it must have been good . It 's thrilling to see other people who want to stroke bits of paper every bit as much as I do ! I am not alone with my affliction . I made another cake with my new tins . This time I went for broke and used five eggs and all the corresponding ingredients , and out came the most enormous sponge caPosted by It was Max 's birthday yesterday . He is 13 . I have had him for six years . Not bad going , considering . We got up yesterday and went for a walk up the road to see if it was icy , before getting the lorry out . It just had a thick frost on it , so we decided we were going to the TREC competition . I 'd better quickly explain what TREC is : It was set up in France as a way of examining candidates for taking out rides in trekking centres , but it developed into a competition , which is now quite big in England . The competition has three phases . The first one is an orienteering section . Obviously if you were leading out a trek you wouldn 't want to get lost , so this is the test for that . You go and copy the master map onto your map and set off along the route . Sometimes there may be obstacles to complete along the way , for which you get points . At level one you 're looking at a distance of 5 - 7 miles , and you are timed . The next section is called Control of Paces . This is to test that you have control of your horse at all times . A track is laid out . You have to do the fastest walk you can manage without changing pace ( ie breaking into trot ) and the slowest canter ( again without going back to trot ) . This is also timed . Then comes the obstacle phase . A variety of obstacles are laid out , in a field or maybe using a cross country course . There may be a gate that you have to open without dismounting or letting go of the rope , a bridge to lead your horse over , riding under low branches etc , all things to simulate natural obstacles that you might encounter on a hack . Yesterday we didn 't have the orienteering phase , fortunately , just the control of paces and the obstacle course . All the horses were walking up and down calmly , waiting their turn to go in the arena . Mr O was on before me , so he was warming Barnaby up . Max was snorting and staring at everything . I got on him and he kept trying to drag me back to the lorry . It took all my strength to keep him where he was . I did the gate obstacle , which was outside the arena , while John was inside . MPosted by After an initial visit to Paris , where I was smitten by all things french , my relationship continues to grow . I 'm learning the language , but also exploring french cuisine , fashion and film . Welcome to my little corner of Blogland . Put on the full armour of God so that you can take yor stand against the devil 's schemes . For our struggle is not against flesh and blood , but against the rulers , against the authorities , against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms . Therefore put on the full armour of God , so that when the day of evil comes , you may be able to stand your ground , and after you have done everything , to stand . The most beautiful place in Derbyshire , if not in the whole of Britain , in my humble opinion . That 's my bedroom window , second from the right . I can dream ! Actually we live about 10 minutes drive from here .
|
Our marmoleum is finally all in . The flooring guy came back on Monday to replace the subflooring and finish laying the marmoleum in the laundry room and half bath . Today , our regular contractors will be here to replace the baseboards . On Thursday , I can wash the new marmoleum and we can finally put back the washer and dryer . I guess I 'll be doing laundry this weekend . So , the pictures I have for this week are of the laundry room before and after . You can see how bad the vinyl looked before . It had black marks in it that wouldn 't come out , and it was worn and dirty looking . We 've also had a slight movement forward on the problem of cutting our slope . We have a steepish slope in back of our house from the basement floor down to the pond , with the wolf pen in the middle . It is important to keep it from getting overgrown , as it includes our septic field . I was trying to trim it with our weed whacker , working my way up from the bottom , but as soon as it got too steep , I had to stop . It can 't be cut with the mower until it is trimmed , and in any case , I have my doubts about getting a mower up that slope , although our tenant managed to keep it cut . In this picture , the foxgloves that you can see in the middle are actually almost five feet high , so that gives you an idea of how high the grass is . We have been looking for someone to cut it for several weeks now . Finally , a young guy called last week and said he would be out yesterday . He came , but our contractor had not conveyed to him the information that he needed to bring a brush cutter . We put him to work with our weed whacker , but because it hadn 't been charged up , he soon ran both batteries out of juice . My husband ran up to the hardware store to buy one , but they were sold out . Our yard guy said he could borrow a brush cutter from his uncle , so we had him cut our orchard with the riding mower , and then he went home . I had been working on the orchard with the weed whacker , too , and my husband had taken another swipe at it with the riding mower , but he still feels unsafe on the mower with the slope in the orchard . If you look very carefully at the edge of the wolf pen in the top part of the picture , you can see the small progress the lawn guy made with the weed whacker before the batteries ran out . He is coming today with his uncle 's brush cutter to finish the job . Unfortunately , he 's only a short - term solution , because he is moving away in a couple of weeks to go work in California . And that 's about it . We 've had lovely weather lately . It rained toward the end of last week and during the weekend , but we had a hot one on Monday , and then since then it 's been delightfully chilly at night and cool during the day while still nice and bright out . I would say , perfect weather . The good news for this week is that our asphalt is finished , and it looks really nice ! Everyone who has come up the driveway has commented about it . Our next door neighbors even asked the pavers to come over and give them an estimate while they were here . So , here is a picture of that . One more project finished ! Now on to other news . The flooring guys , as you may remember , wanted to install the marmoleum on the same day that the pavers were here , so we had to put them off . The guy arrived to do the flooring yesterday . The original plan was to lay the marmoleum on top of the existing vinyl , but when the flooring guy started working in the laundry room , he realized that the vinyl wasn 't securely fastened to the floor . You could just lift it up , basically . Even though it had been glued , it hadn 't been glued very well . He also said that he was not allowed to lay the marmoleum on top of the flooring that was underneath it . So , it turned out he was only able to do two of the four areas yesterday . Those were the small toilet area in the master bathroom and the closet . The laundry room and half bath are rescheduled for Monday , when he will come back out and lay a different floor . I had hoped to be able to show before and after pictures , and I still can , but unfortunately the rooms I took pictures of are not the rooms that are " finished . " By " finished , " I mean that we are still waiting for the toilet to be reinstalled and the baseboards put back . As you can see from the picture above , the old vinyl looks all worn and dirty even after it has been washed . The after picture here is of a different room , and the marmoleum hasn 't even been washed yet ( you can 't wash it for three days after it is laid ) , but you can see how much better it looks . Now , the carpet . Just to recap , we laid carpet in our basement in December and then we replaced the scary spiral staircase with a regular one in February . We went back and ordered the same carpet for the stairs and the landing in late February or early March . We have been waiting for it since then . Our ship date for the carpet was early May , and then it got changed to mid - May . In mid - May , I understood my husband to tell me that Lowe 's had called and told us the carpet was shipped . But by last week we still hadn 't heard back from them . I finally called them on Friday . Of course , they had no record of that last call , and my husband could have misunderstood what they said . Perhaps they called to report the new ship date not to report the carpet had been shipped . So , Lowe 's called the mill ( Lowe 's had apparently completely forgotten about our order ) . They called back to say that the mill is having trouble producing the carpet and is going to discontinue it . They say they 'll honor the back orders , and we have a new ship date of June 30 . But the flooring person from Lowe 's warned me that they had this happen once before , and the mill cancelled the order . I have a friend telling me the carpet probably won 't match anyway , but there isn 't so much as a threshold separating the old carpet from where the new carpet will be , so installing the same stuff seemed like my best bet . I am not sure what I 'll do if they call back and say we can 't get the carpet at all . I could try for the same texture and pull out one of the colors in the carpet ( which is a speckled mixture of beige and blue and some other colors ) , or I could install something completely different . Or I could put something else at the landing , maybe wood , and a different carpet coming down the stairs , so that the two carpets don 't meet . I hope they will at least give me a definite answer by the end of the month , either ship the carpet or cancel but don 't put me off again . Author whatmereadPosted on June 14 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , renovations , stairs2 Comments on One step forward , two back A work in progress The excitement around here this week is all centered around the driveway . Our pavers did show up on Monday . Up until Saturday , we just had a provisional start date from them . They had originally told us that they didn 't schedule very far out because of the weather . But they were here bright and early on Monday . This was a project that I was against when we first moved here . Our driveway is made of diamond - shaped bricks in two tracks , one for each wheel . I loved the rural look of it with the grass growing through the diamonds . However , during the winter , with all the rain and the trucks coming up and missing the tracks , it turned into a mud pit , and it still has ruts in it and bricks that are out of place . I had to admit that paving the driveway seemed to be a very practical idea . I meant to take a picture of it before the guys started , but I forgot , so my first picture is of the top of the driveway , when they hadn 't yet dug out the bricks . It doesn 't show the mess that the driveway had become , just the nice part of it , because they had already dug up the bricks in the messy part . It turns out the driveway bricks were held in position by rebar , sticking up straight out of the ground , which the pavers had to pull out of the driveway , piece by piece . They even put rebar in the side parking area ( which was where we found it first ) , which didn 't have the bricks but instead large chunks of brown gravel . Because the people who put in the parking area had first covered the grass with plastic , the parking area didn 't drain properly and got all churned up over the winter . We are paving that , too , as well as the lower drive . When we moved here , the movers had mixed success with getting down that drive . Now there shouldn 't be a problem . Here is the driveway with gravel on it . The arc of grass to the right is in front of our house . The area to the left is the bottom of our ridge . The guys are planning to finish today , but I took a picture of the driveway in mid - progress , with lovely gravel . I actually might have preferred a gravel driveway , but I know that my niece and her husband asphalted their driveway a year or so ago because every winter their gravel got washed down into the road . We probably would have had the same problem . Of course , just as I feared , the flooring guy was planning to lay the marmoleum tomorrow . That would mean that our contractors would have to be able to get in today to yank the sinks and toilets in the bathrooms . But of course , they can 't , and the asphalt is not supposed to be driven on for a day , so we had to reschedule . So far , I don 't know when that will be . Nor have I heard at all from the carpeting people . Once these guys get out of here and we have a date for the marmoleum , I guess I need to call the carpet guys . We have been waiting for the carpet to come in since February , and it was supposed to have arrived at the end of May . I am also still trying to find someone to whack down our back slope . Once we get it whacked down the first time , we should be able to maintain it with the push mower , or if we can find someone , we can just get them to whack it down several times over the summer . No luck so far , and pretty soon the grass is going to be over my head . I see some spears of foxglove growing in it , too . Very pretty . Our contractor came out late last week and removed his junk from our basement and outside the house . I would be working at putting away my books if I wasn 't waiting for my husband to fasten the bookcases to the wall first . He has promised to do it this week . I feel like everything I could do is on hold . This one job would allow us to move forward in a big way , but as I 've mentioned before , I have never figured out a way to motivate him to get something done . Right now , he has several projects in progress . The wolf pen is partway down . The parts for fastening the bookcases to the wall are there , but no work is done . The seat of our new outdoor dining chair that he broke by slamming his butt down into it is on the table with the glue sitting next to it . The table and the counter that he said he 'd clear off are halfway empty but are starting to accumulate junk ( all his ) again . He bought a blind to cover our bedroom sliding glass door but never even started putting it up ( good , because I don 't want it over the windows - it is too big ) . The shed thing that is in the space where my garden needs to go is still sitting there waiting to be taken down , and after that my above - ground garden boxes need to be made . ( My niece 's husband said he would do that , though , so it will get done . ) He cut the orchard grass once , and after the guys get their trucks out of the orchard , I suspect I 'll be the one cutting it from now on . That 's how life is around here . I am missing my bird book , because the birds around here are different from the ones we saw in Texas . At first , our bird feeder seemed to be attracting only chickadees ( and our hummingbird feeder hummingbirds , of course ) , but lately , I have managed to identify a couple of birds I 've never seen before , using the app whatbird . One of them is the Smith 's longspur , which is quite a pretty bird and loves the suet feeder . The other one looks like a black - capped or California or black - tailed gnatcatcher , but the range for all three of these birds is the southwestern United States . I am only a novice bird identifier , but I couldn 't find another bird that looked like these , with a black head , a gray body and light gray tummy . They are small birds , slightly bigger than the chickadees . Author whatmereadPosted on June 7 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , landscaping , rural life , stairs , wildlifeLeave a comment on A work in progress A little break My husband seems to like to spend all his time at the house . The exception is the errands into town . He loves to stack one errand on top of another , so that when I start to go into town to return my library books , say , and go to the grocery store , suddenly he has added on a trip to Walmart ( I hate Walmart ) , a pickup of prescription drugs at Walgreens , and a trip to the hardware store . Every jaunt into town must include at least one trip to the hardware store . Luckily for me , there 's a Dutch Brothers coffee booth right next door and I love their Cocomos , a combination of coffee , coconut milk , and chocolate . There is always a big line at Dutch Brothers , but if it isn 't too bad , I get in the walk - up line while my husband is looking at nuts and bolts next door . This is all a big lead - up to say that I finally got him to take a little drive with me on Sunday . It was a beautiful day . We had one really hot day this weekend during which we actually started up the air conditioning for a few hours and one really beautiful day , during which we had the windows open all day . And then there was yesterday , when it was cold and cloudy all day , never out of the 50 's . I loved all of them . Anyway , we chose to drive to Sunset Falls , which we had not seen yet . The drive was a nice one , southeast farther into the foothills of the Cascades . The falls aren 't spectacular , but they are pretty . Kids were sitting on the rocks over the falls in the middle of the creek ( it looks like a river , but I 'm pretty sure it 's a creek ) , and some of them were jumping off the rocks into the river or going along the bank to a cliff and jumping off there . Twenty years ago I would have been up top sitting on the rocks or wading in the creek , but I don 't think I would have had the nerve to jump off even forty years ago ! It 's not terribly high up , but you could easily hit rocks on the way down . On the contractor front , our general contractor finally came over yesterday and cleared out our basement , so I foresee some busy days of returning to what we had been doing two months ago or so when they messed it all up . We have almost all the bookcases out of the dance room , only three to go . My husband is going to fasten them to the wall because of the kids , and then I can start putting away my books . Finally ! That will free up a lot of room in the dance room so that we can find the rest of our possessions and start organizing the storage in the dance room and garage . As far as our remaining projects go , it looks like what I feared might be coming to pass . We had been waiting to hear from the guys who are going to asphalt our driveway , the guys who are going to install our marmoleum , and the guys who are going to install the carpet on the stairs . Some of these projects have been in limbo for months . I feared that what would happen is they would all want to do their jobs around the same time . That could be a problem if the driveway was being asphalted . And sure enough , we have a provisional start date from the asphalt guys of June 5 and a provisional start date for the marmoleum of June 8 . I 'm not sure how many days the asphalt will take , but this seems too close together . On the other had , both dates are provisional , so I 'm not going to start trying to reschedule anything until at least one date is set . Also , no word from Lowe 's about the carpet since mid - May , when they said it had been shipped . I don 't want to put any of these guys off . We 've been waiting for the carpet since February and the marmoleum since April . And the asphalt guys have the toughest schedule . We recently made a possibly foolhardy purchase . Well , who knows . It 's an interesting one at least . I have been wanting to buy a grill . I used to do about half of my meals on the grill when I was single . That was a standard Weber charcoal grill , and I used it so much it had a hole in the grill top . But when I got married , we decided to try a gas grill . Frankly , I never felt comfortable with it . I never knew if it was heated enough or whether the grill was supposed to have some sort of medium in it , like rocks , or anything like that . Our family has always used charcoal . And my husband is one of the few guys I know that doesn 't grill . ( This used to be one of my dad 's favorite weekend activities . ) Our gas grill ended up being hauled off from our Austin house , where it had been chained to the deck but unused for years and was in horrible condition . Now that we have a lovely deck and some nice deck furniture for dining , I wanted to buy another charcoal grill . I was discussing it with my niece 's husband when he told me about something that 's called a Big Green Egg . A Big Green Egg is a kamado - style grill . I had never heard of these grills before , but most of them are made out of enamel , and you can use them to grill , smoke , or bake . What sold me was the information that you can use them to make tandoori chicken and naan . I was 2 / 3 of the way there after reading about them , although they are expensive for a charcoal grill , but I wanted to see one . That is the difficulty . Our local Ace was supposed to carry them , but apparently they decided they took up too much space in what is a fairly small store . They said they could order one for me , but I wanted to at least look at one first . Then we stopped by Home Despot , which does not carry Big Green Eggs but has several other styles of kamado grills , some of which are less expensive . But they didn 't have even one of them in stock , either . We talked to a helpful guy in the store , who told us where we could see a Big Green Egg just to get a look at a kamado grill . The plan was to look at the Egg and then return to the Home Despot , where he would show us his other kamado grills online and we could order one . It was this kind of informed and guided shopping that I wanted from the store , because I had already read some reviews and looked at all the various grills online . I just wanted to hear what he had to say about them . Well , we went to look at the Big Green Egg , but when we returned to Home Despot , nobody knew who the heck we were talking about , even though we knew his name ( he might have been a manager ) , and if he WAS the manager , he was in a meeting . We stood around and stood around waiting at the service desk , but when I heard they were getting someone from flooring to help us , that 's when I decided to leave . After all , someone from flooring wasn 't going to know any more about the grills than I did . This is a problem with the local Home Despot . In Austin , they had pretty good service , but here , you 're lucky if you can find anyone to talk to . We went right back to the store with the Big Green Eggs . The Big Green Eggs are pricey , but while we were talking to the nice man in the other store , we found out about demo eggs . These eggs are used one time at a Big Green Egg demo in Portland , and then you get one for 25 % off . So , we signed up for one of those . We get our grill , slightly used , on June 25 . I hate to subject you , completely changing the subject , to another picture of our ridge , but lately the rhododendron on the left side of the water feature has bloomed beautifully . I was complaining in early spring that our property didn 't have any color , but it just didn 't have any early color . Now wildflowers are popping up all over the place . First there were some small blue ones on the ridge , but lately there are lots of white ones and some yellow flowers all around the house , maybe buttercups . I need to learn something about wildflowers . Here is part of our ridge now , just a couple weeks after the last picture . You can see some of the white flowers at the base of the rhododendron . We have had several returns of the bunny , one time with a smaller companion , to our drive , where he or she likes to eat the grass in between the bricks . Sadly , that grass is going to be going away soon . Maybe the bunny will stay to eat the grass on our lawn , though . The bunny comes almost every evening now just before dusk . If anyone is still interested in my art class , I finally finished my picture of a cedar waxwing . My sister is still working on her hummingbird , since she missed a class . I guess that means I 'll be doing an exercise in class today . The exercises tend to be tedious , but they are wise to intermix them with the opportunity to draw a picture . I think my next picture is supposed to be of a furry animal . Author whatmereadPosted on May 31 , 2017Categories renovations , UncategorizedTags art class , climate , contractors , flooring , grills , house painting , sightseeing , Sunset Falsl , wildlife4 Comments on A little break Wildlife , silver , another lazy week Today it is cold , but on Monday it was almost 90 degrees . We had the air conditioning on for a few hours for the first time . We have really had some temperature variations lately , but by and large the weather is gorgeous ! We have been seeing lots of birds lately , but we haven 't seen any deer on our property since the first report . We saw one deer at my niece 's house the morning after our first road meeting when we drove all the way down the road to look it it . My niece has remarked that we saw a lot more of the deer before three of our neighbors decided to log their property . There is a lot less cover for them in the neighborhood now . However , a bunny decided to come visit us the other day . The work with our contractors is virtually on hold . Our general contractor wants to finish up his work at the same time as he prepares the floors for the linoleum installation , but it looks like that 's not happening . Two weeks ago the linoleum guy told me a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but now we 're provisionally scheduled for June 8 , so that 's another two weeks to wait . Our contractor says his guys will come out soon to finish the other things up . Our house painting isn 't scheduled before mid - June , and we have heard nothing from the asphalt people , despite leaving them a message asking them for a rough estimate . The road work we 've been discussing with our neighbors will involve tearing up more of our driveway than we anticipated for our asphalting project , as we originally planned to leave the concrete apron . But the idiots who built our house didn 't put a pipe under the apron for drainage , which has been causing a problem on the gravel road for years . So , the guy doing the road work is going to tear off the apron and lay down a pipe and big gravel that the asphalt people can lay asphalt on top of . So , we have just been puttering around the house . I have been whacking away at the grass on the slope behind the house , but the slope is too steep for me to make it all the way up . I 'm now looking for a spry youngster to do it for me . The other project I took care of lately was to polish some old silver that I got from my mother . It was her mother 's . I have plates and bowls and servers and an entire tea service - I doubt if I will ever use it ( well , I use one plain silver pitcher frequently for flowers ) , but I like having it as it is so pretty . I let it get in pretty horrible condition , though , and it probably wasn 't that great when I got it . Here are a before and after picture . The after picture isn 't perfect , but I like a little tarnish on silver . The secret is to not let it get into the condition that I let it get into . I didn 't have a photo to show for this week , so I thought I 'd go out and take another picture of the ridge , so you can see how it 's changed in the past month or so . This first photo is the ridge a few weeks ago , almost exactly a month ago , in fact . You can see that we are still coming out of winter in this picture . The pieris ( the tall plant at top ) has changed from red , which it was all winter , to yellow , and a lot of the bushes look dead . In this second picture , taken today , you can see both the pierises , which I have trimmed , looking a little pinker , the azaleas next to the waterfall ( which is still not falling ) , and the rhododendron beginning to come out on the right . Below the rhododendron is a heather bush , which has looked pretty much like that since we got here , and if you look carefully to the right of the heather , you can see a little silver pieris that I planted a few weeks ago . To the left of the heather and barely visible below the rhododendron is the bird 's nest spruce that we also planted . I think that I have two more rhododendrons that have not yet begun to bloom on the left of the azaleas . They have big buds on them that aren 't visible in this picture . You can see , though , that the foliage in the picture is much greener . Nothing looks dead . However , it still is staying well below normal for this time of year . Highs have been in the 60 's all week and lows still in the 40 's . It 's supposed to get up into the 80 's within the week , though . My understanding is that normally it should be in the 70 's now . Yesterday we had intermittent rain and small hail . We are getting lots of rain this week . I made it outside a couple of times in an attempt to weed - whack the wolf pen and work my way up into the septic field , where we dare not let the vegetation get too bad . But my attempts have been fairly paltry . What we really need is a strong young teenager with a brush cutter . I also took a handful of seed bombs out into the orchard and threw them around . Seed bombs , if you don 't know , are lots of wildflower seeds packed into a ball of mud . You throw them where you want wildflowers to come up , and the rain breaks down the mud ball and spreads the seeds around . My great - niece told me that she and her mother came out last fall and threw some seed bombs around the orchard , too , so with any luck , we 'll have lots of wildflowers in the orchard this year . Other than that , we 've been just puttering around the house . My husband put together his push mower this week and re - mowed the front lawn , but he didn 't make it down to go over the wolf pen where I had weed - whacked . Next dry day , if he doesn 't do it , I will . He also fastened the bookcases that we have moved out into the basement to the wall . We still have three more bookcases to move out before I can start putting away my books , and we will need the contractors to move their stuff out of our basement so that I can have room for my stacks of books . Our marmoleum has been ordered ! I am not sure how long it will be before it is installed . The flooring rep said a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but that was before he 'd checked stock , so it may be longer . This company is being so much more helpful than the last one ! Our carpet is supposed to come in around the same time , and the pavers were provisionally starting our driveway around that time . I hope they don 't all come at once , but I would guess that the pavers will be late because it has continued to be rainy for so long . They had work stacked up from last season that they had to do first , and they probably haven 't had very many days that they could work so far . They said they don 't schedule their work too far out because of the weather , so they will call us about 10 days before they want to start . For the same reason , probably , we haven 't heard a peep from our house painters . Speaking of paving , we had our first neighborhood meeting to discuss the state of the road . It was nice to meet a few more neighbors ( we had only met two up until then ) , but only about half showed up and we weren 't able to decide anything because of a few complications . Next meeting is this Saturday at my niece 's house . We had a sad event at our house on Sunday , which also was my husband 's 71st birthday . His standard poodle , Hans , died . The poor dog had been suffering for some time , but my husband thinks that taking a pet to the vet to be put to sleep is cruel . This issue is a difficult one to resolve . I personally believe that if the pet can 't be saved , letting it suffer is cruel , but we all have to deal with this issue in our own ways . In any case , we were out working in the yard when he died , and we spent the afternoon burying him in the pasture under a hemlock tree . At least he has a nice place to be . After several hours of fooling around with his new riding mower , my husband took off to cut the orchard . For practice , he did our small front lawn and cut down my lilac bush , planted only a few weeks before . I saw him out there , and I thought , he is going to cut down my lilac bush . I saw him pass it safely . I went back to doing the laundry . Less than a minute later , I heard a terrific crunch and looked out to see nothing , that is , no lilac bush . My niece 's husband has been suggesting I put in raised beds in front for flowers . I 'm beginning to think that may be a good idea . In any case , I guess there will be no scent of lilac on our property this year . My husband was only able to cut a sort of circular swath through the orchard . I think the slope of it worried him and he was a little scared of his mower . He also found he could not fit the mower into the wolf pen , so it 's going to have to come down . I have been wanting to take down the wolf pen since we got here , but he thought he might use it for Hans . Needless to say , Hans never set foot in the place . Our tenants , who lived here before we moved here , used it for their goats . Although it is supposed to start raining again for several days starting tomorrow , we have had several gorgeous days in a row . On one of those days , my niece 's husband kindly came over and cut the rest of the orchard . The grass is getting out of control here because we didn 't have a mower and it rained for so long this spring . I weed - whacked part of the side yard and part of the wolf pen , which has grass that is almost up to my waist . Also in the last few days , the azaleas ( I think they 're azaleas ) have bloomed on our ridge . The pieris plants , which were yellow during the winter , turned bright red in early spring , and are now pink . Here is a picture of the azaleas and one pieris next to the waterfall , which is not turned on yet because we need to clean it out . On the flooring front , our contractor found a flooring installer , which I reported last week , and this week he finally returned from vacation and contacted the flooring company . We have already heard from the company representative , who is coming out on Friday to measure . Finally , some movement ! We also finally heard from Lowe 's . As you may ( or may not ) remember , we ordered carpet for the new stairs from them , the same kind as we installed during the winter in the basement . They came back to us in February saying that the carpet was out of production and wouldn 't be available until May . Last week , they called us to say that carpet would be shipped to them on May 15 . I had been worrying that they would call back and say the carpet was no longer available , which , since we were trying to match the downstairs carpet , would have been bad . And although I have moved on from my picture of a flower to another exercise and now to drawing a bird ( a cedar waxwing ) , I have not forgotten my promise to Naomi to take a picture of my first drawing . Here is my flower , in all its glory , or not . I guess it does look like a flower .
|
Our marmoleum is finally all in . The flooring guy came back on Monday to replace the subflooring and finish laying the marmoleum in the laundry room and half bath . Today , our regular contractors will be here to replace the baseboards . On Thursday , I can wash the new marmoleum and we can finally put back the washer and dryer . I guess I 'll be doing laundry this weekend . So , the pictures I have for this week are of the laundry room before and after . You can see how bad the vinyl looked before . It had black marks in it that wouldn 't come out , and it was worn and dirty looking . We 've also had a slight movement forward on the problem of cutting our slope . We have a steepish slope in back of our house from the basement floor down to the pond , with the wolf pen in the middle . It is important to keep it from getting overgrown , as it includes our septic field . I was trying to trim it with our weed whacker , working my way up from the bottom , but as soon as it got too steep , I had to stop . It can 't be cut with the mower until it is trimmed , and in any case , I have my doubts about getting a mower up that slope , although our tenant managed to keep it cut . In this picture , the foxgloves that you can see in the middle are actually almost five feet high , so that gives you an idea of how high the grass is . We have been looking for someone to cut it for several weeks now . Finally , a young guy called last week and said he would be out yesterday . He came , but our contractor had not conveyed to him the information that he needed to bring a brush cutter . We put him to work with our weed whacker , but because it hadn 't been charged up , he soon ran both batteries out of juice . My husband ran up to the hardware store to buy one , but they were sold out . Our yard guy said he could borrow a brush cutter from his uncle , so we had him cut our orchard with the riding mower , and then he went home . I had been working on the orchard with the weed whacker , too , and my husband had taken another swipe at it with the riding mower , but he still feels unsafe on the mower with the slope in the orchard . If you look very carefully at the edge of the wolf pen in the top part of the picture , you can see the small progress the lawn guy made with the weed whacker before the batteries ran out . He is coming today with his uncle 's brush cutter to finish the job . Unfortunately , he 's only a short - term solution , because he is moving away in a couple of weeks to go work in California . And that 's about it . We 've had lovely weather lately . It rained toward the end of last week and during the weekend , but we had a hot one on Monday , and then since then it 's been delightfully chilly at night and cool during the day while still nice and bright out . I would say , perfect weather . The good news for this week is that our asphalt is finished , and it looks really nice ! Everyone who has come up the driveway has commented about it . Our next door neighbors even asked the pavers to come over and give them an estimate while they were here . So , here is a picture of that . One more project finished ! Now on to other news . The flooring guys , as you may remember , wanted to install the marmoleum on the same day that the pavers were here , so we had to put them off . The guy arrived to do the flooring yesterday . The original plan was to lay the marmoleum on top of the existing vinyl , but when the flooring guy started working in the laundry room , he realized that the vinyl wasn 't securely fastened to the floor . You could just lift it up , basically . Even though it had been glued , it hadn 't been glued very well . He also said that he was not allowed to lay the marmoleum on top of the flooring that was underneath it . So , it turned out he was only able to do two of the four areas yesterday . Those were the small toilet area in the master bathroom and the closet . The laundry room and half bath are rescheduled for Monday , when he will come back out and lay a different floor . I had hoped to be able to show before and after pictures , and I still can , but unfortunately the rooms I took pictures of are not the rooms that are " finished . " By " finished , " I mean that we are still waiting for the toilet to be reinstalled and the baseboards put back . As you can see from the picture above , the old vinyl looks all worn and dirty even after it has been washed . The after picture here is of a different room , and the marmoleum hasn 't even been washed yet ( you can 't wash it for three days after it is laid ) , but you can see how much better it looks . Now , the carpet . Just to recap , we laid carpet in our basement in December and then we replaced the scary spiral staircase with a regular one in February . We went back and ordered the same carpet for the stairs and the landing in late February or early March . We have been waiting for it since then . Our ship date for the carpet was early May , and then it got changed to mid - May . In mid - May , I understood my husband to tell me that Lowe 's had called and told us the carpet was shipped . But by last week we still hadn 't heard back from them . I finally called them on Friday . Of course , they had no record of that last call , and my husband could have misunderstood what they said . Perhaps they called to report the new ship date not to report the carpet had been shipped . So , Lowe 's called the mill ( Lowe 's had apparently completely forgotten about our order ) . They called back to say that the mill is having trouble producing the carpet and is going to discontinue it . They say they 'll honor the back orders , and we have a new ship date of June 30 . But the flooring person from Lowe 's warned me that they had this happen once before , and the mill cancelled the order . I have a friend telling me the carpet probably won 't match anyway , but there isn 't so much as a threshold separating the old carpet from where the new carpet will be , so installing the same stuff seemed like my best bet . I am not sure what I 'll do if they call back and say we can 't get the carpet at all . I could try for the same texture and pull out one of the colors in the carpet ( which is a speckled mixture of beige and blue and some other colors ) , or I could install something completely different . Or I could put something else at the landing , maybe wood , and a different carpet coming down the stairs , so that the two carpets don 't meet . I hope they will at least give me a definite answer by the end of the month , either ship the carpet or cancel but don 't put me off again . Author whatmereadPosted on June 14 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , renovations , stairs2 Comments on One step forward , two back A work in progress The excitement around here this week is all centered around the driveway . Our pavers did show up on Monday . Up until Saturday , we just had a provisional start date from them . They had originally told us that they didn 't schedule very far out because of the weather . But they were here bright and early on Monday . This was a project that I was against when we first moved here . Our driveway is made of diamond - shaped bricks in two tracks , one for each wheel . I loved the rural look of it with the grass growing through the diamonds . However , during the winter , with all the rain and the trucks coming up and missing the tracks , it turned into a mud pit , and it still has ruts in it and bricks that are out of place . I had to admit that paving the driveway seemed to be a very practical idea . I meant to take a picture of it before the guys started , but I forgot , so my first picture is of the top of the driveway , when they hadn 't yet dug out the bricks . It doesn 't show the mess that the driveway had become , just the nice part of it , because they had already dug up the bricks in the messy part . It turns out the driveway bricks were held in position by rebar , sticking up straight out of the ground , which the pavers had to pull out of the driveway , piece by piece . They even put rebar in the side parking area ( which was where we found it first ) , which didn 't have the bricks but instead large chunks of brown gravel . Because the people who put in the parking area had first covered the grass with plastic , the parking area didn 't drain properly and got all churned up over the winter . We are paving that , too , as well as the lower drive . When we moved here , the movers had mixed success with getting down that drive . Now there shouldn 't be a problem . Here is the driveway with gravel on it . The arc of grass to the right is in front of our house . The area to the left is the bottom of our ridge . The guys are planning to finish today , but I took a picture of the driveway in mid - progress , with lovely gravel . I actually might have preferred a gravel driveway , but I know that my niece and her husband asphalted their driveway a year or so ago because every winter their gravel got washed down into the road . We probably would have had the same problem . Of course , just as I feared , the flooring guy was planning to lay the marmoleum tomorrow . That would mean that our contractors would have to be able to get in today to yank the sinks and toilets in the bathrooms . But of course , they can 't , and the asphalt is not supposed to be driven on for a day , so we had to reschedule . So far , I don 't know when that will be . Nor have I heard at all from the carpeting people . Once these guys get out of here and we have a date for the marmoleum , I guess I need to call the carpet guys . We have been waiting for the carpet to come in since February , and it was supposed to have arrived at the end of May . I am also still trying to find someone to whack down our back slope . Once we get it whacked down the first time , we should be able to maintain it with the push mower , or if we can find someone , we can just get them to whack it down several times over the summer . No luck so far , and pretty soon the grass is going to be over my head . I see some spears of foxglove growing in it , too . Very pretty . Our contractor came out late last week and removed his junk from our basement and outside the house . I would be working at putting away my books if I wasn 't waiting for my husband to fasten the bookcases to the wall first . He has promised to do it this week . I feel like everything I could do is on hold . This one job would allow us to move forward in a big way , but as I 've mentioned before , I have never figured out a way to motivate him to get something done . Right now , he has several projects in progress . The wolf pen is partway down . The parts for fastening the bookcases to the wall are there , but no work is done . The seat of our new outdoor dining chair that he broke by slamming his butt down into it is on the table with the glue sitting next to it . The table and the counter that he said he 'd clear off are halfway empty but are starting to accumulate junk ( all his ) again . He bought a blind to cover our bedroom sliding glass door but never even started putting it up ( good , because I don 't want it over the windows - it is too big ) . The shed thing that is in the space where my garden needs to go is still sitting there waiting to be taken down , and after that my above - ground garden boxes need to be made . ( My niece 's husband said he would do that , though , so it will get done . ) He cut the orchard grass once , and after the guys get their trucks out of the orchard , I suspect I 'll be the one cutting it from now on . That 's how life is around here . I am missing my bird book , because the birds around here are different from the ones we saw in Texas . At first , our bird feeder seemed to be attracting only chickadees ( and our hummingbird feeder hummingbirds , of course ) , but lately , I have managed to identify a couple of birds I 've never seen before , using the app whatbird . One of them is the Smith 's longspur , which is quite a pretty bird and loves the suet feeder . The other one looks like a black - capped or California or black - tailed gnatcatcher , but the range for all three of these birds is the southwestern United States . I am only a novice bird identifier , but I couldn 't find another bird that looked like these , with a black head , a gray body and light gray tummy . They are small birds , slightly bigger than the chickadees . Author whatmereadPosted on June 7 , 2017Categories renovationsTags asphalt , carpet , contractors , flooring , improvements , landscaping , rural life , stairs , wildlifeLeave a comment on A work in progress A little break My husband seems to like to spend all his time at the house . The exception is the errands into town . He loves to stack one errand on top of another , so that when I start to go into town to return my library books , say , and go to the grocery store , suddenly he has added on a trip to Walmart ( I hate Walmart ) , a pickup of prescription drugs at Walgreens , and a trip to the hardware store . Every jaunt into town must include at least one trip to the hardware store . Luckily for me , there 's a Dutch Brothers coffee booth right next door and I love their Cocomos , a combination of coffee , coconut milk , and chocolate . There is always a big line at Dutch Brothers , but if it isn 't too bad , I get in the walk - up line while my husband is looking at nuts and bolts next door . This is all a big lead - up to say that I finally got him to take a little drive with me on Sunday . It was a beautiful day . We had one really hot day this weekend during which we actually started up the air conditioning for a few hours and one really beautiful day , during which we had the windows open all day . And then there was yesterday , when it was cold and cloudy all day , never out of the 50 's . I loved all of them . Anyway , we chose to drive to Sunset Falls , which we had not seen yet . The drive was a nice one , southeast farther into the foothills of the Cascades . The falls aren 't spectacular , but they are pretty . Kids were sitting on the rocks over the falls in the middle of the creek ( it looks like a river , but I 'm pretty sure it 's a creek ) , and some of them were jumping off the rocks into the river or going along the bank to a cliff and jumping off there . Twenty years ago I would have been up top sitting on the rocks or wading in the creek , but I don 't think I would have had the nerve to jump off even forty years ago ! It 's not terribly high up , but you could easily hit rocks on the way down . On the contractor front , our general contractor finally came over yesterday and cleared out our basement , so I foresee some busy days of returning to what we had been doing two months ago or so when they messed it all up . We have almost all the bookcases out of the dance room , only three to go . My husband is going to fasten them to the wall because of the kids , and then I can start putting away my books . Finally ! That will free up a lot of room in the dance room so that we can find the rest of our possessions and start organizing the storage in the dance room and garage . As far as our remaining projects go , it looks like what I feared might be coming to pass . We had been waiting to hear from the guys who are going to asphalt our driveway , the guys who are going to install our marmoleum , and the guys who are going to install the carpet on the stairs . Some of these projects have been in limbo for months . I feared that what would happen is they would all want to do their jobs around the same time . That could be a problem if the driveway was being asphalted . And sure enough , we have a provisional start date from the asphalt guys of June 5 and a provisional start date for the marmoleum of June 8 . I 'm not sure how many days the asphalt will take , but this seems too close together . On the other had , both dates are provisional , so I 'm not going to start trying to reschedule anything until at least one date is set . Also , no word from Lowe 's about the carpet since mid - May , when they said it had been shipped . I don 't want to put any of these guys off . We 've been waiting for the carpet since February and the marmoleum since April . And the asphalt guys have the toughest schedule . We recently made a possibly foolhardy purchase . Well , who knows . It 's an interesting one at least . I have been wanting to buy a grill . I used to do about half of my meals on the grill when I was single . That was a standard Weber charcoal grill , and I used it so much it had a hole in the grill top . But when I got married , we decided to try a gas grill . Frankly , I never felt comfortable with it . I never knew if it was heated enough or whether the grill was supposed to have some sort of medium in it , like rocks , or anything like that . Our family has always used charcoal . And my husband is one of the few guys I know that doesn 't grill . ( This used to be one of my dad 's favorite weekend activities . ) Our gas grill ended up being hauled off from our Austin house , where it had been chained to the deck but unused for years and was in horrible condition . Now that we have a lovely deck and some nice deck furniture for dining , I wanted to buy another charcoal grill . I was discussing it with my niece 's husband when he told me about something that 's called a Big Green Egg . A Big Green Egg is a kamado - style grill . I had never heard of these grills before , but most of them are made out of enamel , and you can use them to grill , smoke , or bake . What sold me was the information that you can use them to make tandoori chicken and naan . I was 2 / 3 of the way there after reading about them , although they are expensive for a charcoal grill , but I wanted to see one . That is the difficulty . Our local Ace was supposed to carry them , but apparently they decided they took up too much space in what is a fairly small store . They said they could order one for me , but I wanted to at least look at one first . Then we stopped by Home Despot , which does not carry Big Green Eggs but has several other styles of kamado grills , some of which are less expensive . But they didn 't have even one of them in stock , either . We talked to a helpful guy in the store , who told us where we could see a Big Green Egg just to get a look at a kamado grill . The plan was to look at the Egg and then return to the Home Despot , where he would show us his other kamado grills online and we could order one . It was this kind of informed and guided shopping that I wanted from the store , because I had already read some reviews and looked at all the various grills online . I just wanted to hear what he had to say about them . Well , we went to look at the Big Green Egg , but when we returned to Home Despot , nobody knew who the heck we were talking about , even though we knew his name ( he might have been a manager ) , and if he WAS the manager , he was in a meeting . We stood around and stood around waiting at the service desk , but when I heard they were getting someone from flooring to help us , that 's when I decided to leave . After all , someone from flooring wasn 't going to know any more about the grills than I did . This is a problem with the local Home Despot . In Austin , they had pretty good service , but here , you 're lucky if you can find anyone to talk to . We went right back to the store with the Big Green Eggs . The Big Green Eggs are pricey , but while we were talking to the nice man in the other store , we found out about demo eggs . These eggs are used one time at a Big Green Egg demo in Portland , and then you get one for 25 % off . So , we signed up for one of those . We get our grill , slightly used , on June 25 . I hate to subject you , completely changing the subject , to another picture of our ridge , but lately the rhododendron on the left side of the water feature has bloomed beautifully . I was complaining in early spring that our property didn 't have any color , but it just didn 't have any early color . Now wildflowers are popping up all over the place . First there were some small blue ones on the ridge , but lately there are lots of white ones and some yellow flowers all around the house , maybe buttercups . I need to learn something about wildflowers . Here is part of our ridge now , just a couple weeks after the last picture . You can see some of the white flowers at the base of the rhododendron . We have had several returns of the bunny , one time with a smaller companion , to our drive , where he or she likes to eat the grass in between the bricks . Sadly , that grass is going to be going away soon . Maybe the bunny will stay to eat the grass on our lawn , though . The bunny comes almost every evening now just before dusk . If anyone is still interested in my art class , I finally finished my picture of a cedar waxwing . My sister is still working on her hummingbird , since she missed a class . I guess that means I 'll be doing an exercise in class today . The exercises tend to be tedious , but they are wise to intermix them with the opportunity to draw a picture . I think my next picture is supposed to be of a furry animal . Author whatmereadPosted on May 31 , 2017Categories renovations , UncategorizedTags art class , climate , contractors , flooring , grills , house painting , sightseeing , Sunset Falsl , wildlife4 Comments on A little break Wildlife , silver , another lazy week Today it is cold , but on Monday it was almost 90 degrees . We had the air conditioning on for a few hours for the first time . We have really had some temperature variations lately , but by and large the weather is gorgeous ! We have been seeing lots of birds lately , but we haven 't seen any deer on our property since the first report . We saw one deer at my niece 's house the morning after our first road meeting when we drove all the way down the road to look it it . My niece has remarked that we saw a lot more of the deer before three of our neighbors decided to log their property . There is a lot less cover for them in the neighborhood now . However , a bunny decided to come visit us the other day . The work with our contractors is virtually on hold . Our general contractor wants to finish up his work at the same time as he prepares the floors for the linoleum installation , but it looks like that 's not happening . Two weeks ago the linoleum guy told me a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but now we 're provisionally scheduled for June 8 , so that 's another two weeks to wait . Our contractor says his guys will come out soon to finish the other things up . Our house painting isn 't scheduled before mid - June , and we have heard nothing from the asphalt people , despite leaving them a message asking them for a rough estimate . The road work we 've been discussing with our neighbors will involve tearing up more of our driveway than we anticipated for our asphalting project , as we originally planned to leave the concrete apron . But the idiots who built our house didn 't put a pipe under the apron for drainage , which has been causing a problem on the gravel road for years . So , the guy doing the road work is going to tear off the apron and lay down a pipe and big gravel that the asphalt people can lay asphalt on top of . So , we have just been puttering around the house . I have been whacking away at the grass on the slope behind the house , but the slope is too steep for me to make it all the way up . I 'm now looking for a spry youngster to do it for me . The other project I took care of lately was to polish some old silver that I got from my mother . It was her mother 's . I have plates and bowls and servers and an entire tea service - I doubt if I will ever use it ( well , I use one plain silver pitcher frequently for flowers ) , but I like having it as it is so pretty . I let it get in pretty horrible condition , though , and it probably wasn 't that great when I got it . Here are a before and after picture . The after picture isn 't perfect , but I like a little tarnish on silver . The secret is to not let it get into the condition that I let it get into . I didn 't have a photo to show for this week , so I thought I 'd go out and take another picture of the ridge , so you can see how it 's changed in the past month or so . This first photo is the ridge a few weeks ago , almost exactly a month ago , in fact . You can see that we are still coming out of winter in this picture . The pieris ( the tall plant at top ) has changed from red , which it was all winter , to yellow , and a lot of the bushes look dead . In this second picture , taken today , you can see both the pierises , which I have trimmed , looking a little pinker , the azaleas next to the waterfall ( which is still not falling ) , and the rhododendron beginning to come out on the right . Below the rhododendron is a heather bush , which has looked pretty much like that since we got here , and if you look carefully to the right of the heather , you can see a little silver pieris that I planted a few weeks ago . To the left of the heather and barely visible below the rhododendron is the bird 's nest spruce that we also planted . I think that I have two more rhododendrons that have not yet begun to bloom on the left of the azaleas . They have big buds on them that aren 't visible in this picture . You can see , though , that the foliage in the picture is much greener . Nothing looks dead . However , it still is staying well below normal for this time of year . Highs have been in the 60 's all week and lows still in the 40 's . It 's supposed to get up into the 80 's within the week , though . My understanding is that normally it should be in the 70 's now . Yesterday we had intermittent rain and small hail . We are getting lots of rain this week . I made it outside a couple of times in an attempt to weed - whack the wolf pen and work my way up into the septic field , where we dare not let the vegetation get too bad . But my attempts have been fairly paltry . What we really need is a strong young teenager with a brush cutter . I also took a handful of seed bombs out into the orchard and threw them around . Seed bombs , if you don 't know , are lots of wildflower seeds packed into a ball of mud . You throw them where you want wildflowers to come up , and the rain breaks down the mud ball and spreads the seeds around . My great - niece told me that she and her mother came out last fall and threw some seed bombs around the orchard , too , so with any luck , we 'll have lots of wildflowers in the orchard this year . Other than that , we 've been just puttering around the house . My husband put together his push mower this week and re - mowed the front lawn , but he didn 't make it down to go over the wolf pen where I had weed - whacked . Next dry day , if he doesn 't do it , I will . He also fastened the bookcases that we have moved out into the basement to the wall . We still have three more bookcases to move out before I can start putting away my books , and we will need the contractors to move their stuff out of our basement so that I can have room for my stacks of books . Our marmoleum has been ordered ! I am not sure how long it will be before it is installed . The flooring rep said a week - and - a - half to two weeks , but that was before he 'd checked stock , so it may be longer . This company is being so much more helpful than the last one ! Our carpet is supposed to come in around the same time , and the pavers were provisionally starting our driveway around that time . I hope they don 't all come at once , but I would guess that the pavers will be late because it has continued to be rainy for so long . They had work stacked up from last season that they had to do first , and they probably haven 't had very many days that they could work so far . They said they don 't schedule their work too far out because of the weather , so they will call us about 10 days before they want to start . For the same reason , probably , we haven 't heard a peep from our house painters . Speaking of paving , we had our first neighborhood meeting to discuss the state of the road . It was nice to meet a few more neighbors ( we had only met two up until then ) , but only about half showed up and we weren 't able to decide anything because of a few complications . Next meeting is this Saturday at my niece 's house . We had a sad event at our house on Sunday , which also was my husband 's 71st birthday . His standard poodle , Hans , died . The poor dog had been suffering for some time , but my husband thinks that taking a pet to the vet to be put to sleep is cruel . This issue is a difficult one to resolve . I personally believe that if the pet can 't be saved , letting it suffer is cruel , but we all have to deal with this issue in our own ways . In any case , we were out working in the yard when he died , and we spent the afternoon burying him in the pasture under a hemlock tree . At least he has a nice place to be . After several hours of fooling around with his new riding mower , my husband took off to cut the orchard . For practice , he did our small front lawn and cut down my lilac bush , planted only a few weeks before . I saw him out there , and I thought , he is going to cut down my lilac bush . I saw him pass it safely . I went back to doing the laundry . Less than a minute later , I heard a terrific crunch and looked out to see nothing , that is , no lilac bush . My niece 's husband has been suggesting I put in raised beds in front for flowers . I 'm beginning to think that may be a good idea . In any case , I guess there will be no scent of lilac on our property this year . My husband was only able to cut a sort of circular swath through the orchard . I think the slope of it worried him and he was a little scared of his mower . He also found he could not fit the mower into the wolf pen , so it 's going to have to come down . I have been wanting to take down the wolf pen since we got here , but he thought he might use it for Hans . Needless to say , Hans never set foot in the place . Our tenants , who lived here before we moved here , used it for their goats . Although it is supposed to start raining again for several days starting tomorrow , we have had several gorgeous days in a row . On one of those days , my niece 's husband kindly came over and cut the rest of the orchard . The grass is getting out of control here because we didn 't have a mower and it rained for so long this spring . I weed - whacked part of the side yard and part of the wolf pen , which has grass that is almost up to my waist . Also in the last few days , the azaleas ( I think they 're azaleas ) have bloomed on our ridge . The pieris plants , which were yellow during the winter , turned bright red in early spring , and are now pink . Here is a picture of the azaleas and one pieris next to the waterfall , which is not turned on yet because we need to clean it out . On the flooring front , our contractor found a flooring installer , which I reported last week , and this week he finally returned from vacation and contacted the flooring company . We have already heard from the company representative , who is coming out on Friday to measure . Finally , some movement ! We also finally heard from Lowe 's . As you may ( or may not ) remember , we ordered carpet for the new stairs from them , the same kind as we installed during the winter in the basement . They came back to us in February saying that the carpet was out of production and wouldn 't be available until May . Last week , they called us to say that carpet would be shipped to them on May 15 . I had been worrying that they would call back and say the carpet was no longer available , which , since we were trying to match the downstairs carpet , would have been bad . And although I have moved on from my picture of a flower to another exercise and now to drawing a bird ( a cedar waxwing ) , I have not forgotten my promise to Naomi to take a picture of my first drawing . Here is my flower , in all its glory , or not . I guess it does look like a flower .
|
A look at my daily life with twins . A place for friends and family to keep up with us . And hopefully some helpful advice for that new mom expecting multiples . So a quick run down of what has happened since my last blog is in order . Calista is so ready to crawl ! She has that butt up in the air and almost made it today . Yesterday she managed to crawl backwards for her daddy . It 's time to baby proof the house , we have our baby gates all ready to cage them in . Now we just have to go after things like light sockets , power cords and other delightful objects at floor level . Calista has also gotten very grabby . If it 's within her reach she has it in her hands , and what a grip that little girl has ! Jessica found out the hard way last week when she left a container of baby food within Calista 's reach on the highchair table . All I heard in the office was an " OH NO Calista ! " . Later I found out that Calista had grabbed the container and dumped it all over the tray . Lucky for me I was able to learn from Jessica 's mistake and I don 't let any baby food close to Calista 's reach . Friday we took a trip to Costco for our monthly supply of 424 diapers . ( Yes , that is the amount of diapers that we go through in a month . However it does not count the diapers that they use when they visit Grandma and Grandpaw , so it 's probably a little higher ) . Walking through Costco Calista had a fascination with my Starbucks and was very grabby about the cup . Just like her momma . . . brought a little tear to my eye . By the time we left she had chocolate all over her face . Other events that happened this week was an overnight stay at Grandma and Grandpaw 's house on Saturday so that Ed and I could go out for our anniversary . We had a couple of massages and went out to dinner . We were going to see a movie , but neither of us were very enthused about what was playing so we just came home and watched our Netflix . It 's so bittersweet when they go to their grandparents house for the night . On one hand we love the sleep and time to ourselves . On the other hand , I found myself looking at empty cribs and missing my cubs . Sunday they came home and mommy and daddy were thrilled to see them . We got them changed and went directly to the park to swing for a little while . They were both pretty tired so we didn 't stay too long . And that brings us to today and the story behind the title of this particular blog . We had a great day today . Calista woke up around 7 a . m . , had some breakfast . Then Alex woke up at around 8 a . m . and I found again that he had pee 'd through everything . The whole front of him was soaked and he smelled of urine . So I striped him down , wiped him off with a wipe and put him in a onsie for the time being . Then he had some breakfast . After breakfast I was downstairs stripping down his bed , mattress pad included , and throwing it into the wash . This is the 2nd time he 's done this and I 'd had enough . So after bath time we were on our way to Target for 2 back up mattress pads and some night time diapers . Back home they had a little lunch , a bottle and then took a nice nap for me . When they woke up they had a bottle and we played on the floor with some new books I bought them at Target . Calista can grab it and turn the pages by herself . . . Alex just tries to eat them . When Ed got home we had our dinner and he went in to clean up the kitchen and make formula while I played with the cubs . They just love it when I lay down in between their play mats , they can grab at my face and I can tickle them . But I just had to take it a step further today . I got a hold of Calista and laid her on my tummy so we were tummy to tummy . She smiled and giggled , raised herself up on her arms as if to crawl and then BLAM ! A white flood covered my face . Puke in my eyes , up my nose and all over my mouth . I 'm attempting to yell at Ed without opening my mouth , which ended up sounding a bit like a person yelling with a mouthful of peanut butter . Ed came running in thinking someone was hurt and all I could say was ' Get me a rag ' . He got Calista off of me , ( who by the way was all grins after this ) , and proceeded to blow mass amounts of baby puke out of my nose . Kitchen now cleaned and time to go downstairs for the night . I decided to take Alex . . . ( can you blame me ? ) . Once downstairs Alex and I are in the big blue chair sitting face to face practicing our A 's and O 's along with our new game , ' Nose / Toes ' where I point to his nose and then his toes repeating Nose and Toes . We are both very low key , but out of no where he pukes all over my . Yep , Ed is on the couch with Calista laughing at me . We got them both changed into pj 's for the night , this time I took Calista back with me . Ed had Alex on the couch tickling him and making him giggle so loud I was cracking up at it . Then Alex puked on the couch , then proceeded to laugh immediately afterwards . This morning started out with Calista waking up first . They both wake up so happy these days , when they lift their heads up from the crib and spot you , you get the most wonderful toothless smile . I changed Calista and gathered her bath items , bibs and clean burp cloths and headed upstairs for our breakfast . This morning I decided to try the Peaches and Rice Cereal on them . For the life of me I don 't understand it , while I was pregnant me big craving was peaches . We couldn 't keep enough of them in the house ! But this little girl wants nothing to do with them . She took a little taste and wrinkled her nose right up at those peaches . Before I could decide what to feed her next I heard Alex on the monitor , so I went downstairs and gathered him up with bath items as well . Now Alex ate his peaches and rice cereal . He wasn 't his usual ' shark ' about eating them , but he ate them . I dug out a jar of banana 's for Calista and she gobbled them right up . After breakfast it was bath time . Since Calista is rolling all over the place these days the only way I can do bath time by myself is to leave her in her highchair or put her in the play pen downstairs while I bath Alex . I gave Alex a quick bath and got him dressed in his shark shirt . But before I could get a picture snapped of him in it he puked peaches up all over it . Then he went down on his play mat in the living room while I grabbed Calista , striped her down and gave her a bath which she really enjoyed . Then we were all off and running . First stop was mother 's little helper , my friend Starbucks for a nice big cup of ' Go Juice ' . Then off to Grandma and Grandpa 's to say good bye to their English friends Mac and Nicol , pick up some patterns that I had left there and see if we could get one of them to go with us to the grocery store to pick up baby food . At Grandma and Grandpa 's they had a quick lunch of green beans on the patio outside . I 'm not sure how it happened , but I think Calista got a little sunburn on her face , just on one side of course . She 's not screaming about it , so it must not be too bad . After lunch we loaded the kids up in the car and I followed Mom and Nicol the King Soopers in Loveland , where they apparently have an IQ requirement of below 50 to work there . I was already in a rush since it was 12 : 30 and Jessica was supposed to be at the house by 1 p . m . to work in at DJBeads . I left a message on her cell phone that I would be late and started on the power shop . We had three carts for this little adventure . Mom had one with no one in it , Nicol had one with Calista in it and I had one with Alex in it and mountains of baby food . Once up at the checkout stand though I noticed that my carton of milk was leaking all over my bags . So when I reached the cashier I told her I needed a new milk , she then handed it to the bag boy , Micah who proceeded to argue with me that the milk was not leaking . I told him that my bags where the milk was sitting were all wet with a white liquid so it must be the milk . And off he went with the leaking milk . About this time I find out that Calista is throwing a fit on the other side of the store with Mom and Nicol , so I tell the checker that I 'm in a hurry and to just forget the milk . She says Micah will be back in a minute with it , so we wait . I tell her again after a few minutes that I really have to go and to forget the milk and she says , ' Oh wait there he is ' . I looked over and if this guy was moving any slower he would 've been walking backwards ! And to top it off , he has no carton of milk in his hands . ARGH ! ! ! I just want to give this woman my money and walk out the door with my groceries , is that too much to ask ? Finally rung out I get to the parking lot with the three carts , Mom and Nicol and my groceries . We get Calista in the car and when I go to the other side to put Alex in the jerk parked next to me parked so close that I can 't even get my car door open . So I have to back my car up into the middle of the isle , park it and go and put Alex in . I don 't know what I would 've done if Mom and Nicol hadn 't been there to watch Alex while I moved the car . For all you childless people out there , or those that have children older and don 't remember , this is my plea . If you 're parking next to a car and you see the car seat bases in the back seat . . . please remember to give us enough room to get that huge car seat in through our door . If you don 't I can 't promise you won 't come back to a vehicle side full of dents . Finally done with our adventure and heading home . I get in the door and Jessica is back in the office working away on 6 , 000 4mm Aqua Pearls . . . bless her nimble little fingers ! I raced through the house changing diapers and getting 2 bottles ready . Alex got fed first and I figured he would be really tired , but I put him in his crib and he just talked to the walls all afternoon . Calista got fed and you could see she was really drowsy , so she moaned a little in her sleep , but ended up sleeping almost 4 hours ! Alex on the other hand just wouldn 't go to sleep . I came upstairs to put our new Variety Packs together to ship out and just kept hearing the talking mixed with fussing . I ended up going downstairs and got on my knees next to Alex 's crib and just patted him on his behind and rubbed his back for at least a 1 / 2 hour . Only when I heard snoring did I feel ok to leave and go back to work . But he only slept for about an hour . Once he was up I gathered him up to go to the post office , Ed got home and took over listening for Calista and Jessica finished up the pearls . Everyone had a job to do . At the post office Kari got to see Alex for the first time in about 3 months . She came out from behind the counter to hold him . He sent her home with a little reminder of himself with some slobber on her postal uniform . Back home after that , Ed fed Alex while I wrapped things up in the office with Jessica . We made our dinner and ate all while Calista slept away . When she did finally wake up we fed her and made it downstairs by 8 p . m . I had Calista tonight and she thought it was a ton of fun to yank at my hair . She was standing up on my lap facing me and proceeded to grab at my hair and pull back as if she were throwing handfuls of confetti . Once he went to bed I have the house to myself and worked on a little bit of sewing . I 'm making a romper outfit for Calista that is pink with butterfly 's all over it . At this point I have the piece all put together , it 's just the finishing touches , ( i . e . hemming that I really suck at by the way ) , that is left to do . Jessica came to babysit today which meant that I got to get some work done in the office as well as get out for a little while this afternoon . I spent a luxurious day getting a mani / pedi then went to see the latest Shrek movie . ( Which I can say still wasn 't as good and 1 or 2 , but better than 3 by a long shot ! ) . On their 6 month well baby check up Dr . Hansen bumped Alex 's Previcid up to 5 ml 's per day . His current prescription is for 3 ml 's per day and had no refills on it . To top that off , for some reason all of a sudden the insurance company decided they don 't want to pay for it anymore . No reason , just denied . My mission was to first yell at the Dr . 's office since for two weeks I 've been calling them asking to call in the new prescription for 5 ml 's which they still haven 't done . Next was to do battle with the insurance company on why they aren 't paying for it anymore . I never made it to the insurance company phone call . I spent probably an hour between the pharmacy and the pediatricians office just trying to get the new prescription of 5 ml 's in place . Turns out our Dr . Hansen dropped the ball on this one . He wrote on the sheet he gave us with Alex 's height , weight , etc . that he was to take 5 ml 's per day , but never changed it on Alex 's chart from 3 to 5 . So the Dr . 's office told me to go to the pharmacy and have them call the Dr . 's office and then they could get it straightened out . Of course it didn 't dawn on me until after I hung up that I would have to then fight this battle in a public arena at my local King Soopers with two babies in tow . Not to mention what a pain it will be to get them all packed up in the stroller just to go in there and do someone elses job so my son can have the medicine he needs . Also , at this point we are just going to pay for it out of pocket , ( which I 'm sure is exactly what insurance company 's hope for ) . So there will be more on this topic and whether I 've won or lost my battle . I did get a large shipment of beads in today for the upcoming Mellow Yellow Variety Pack . Realizing that I probably should have stayed home and worked on that instead of going out and playing I decided to ask Jessica if she wanted to do some work in the bead store for me tomorrow . Once she said yes I once again felt a big weight off of me and sat down for 20 minutes to make some earrings . Ahhhhh , that time is just the best ! Ed got home at 4 : 30 and Jessica took off . Ed and I ate a quick dinner and fed the cubs , who by the way are now on stage 2 baby foods and LOVING IT ! The past 3 days or so Alex has started making a weird sound when we feed him and he lunges for the spoon of food . We say it 's like feeding a baby shark . . . lol . Once dinner was done Ed got the stroller out of the trunk , we put on our walking shoes and went for their first trip to the park . The Main Park in Windsor is really well kept with a lot of outdoor toys for kids , and when I drove by it yesterday I saw that it had those swings for babies with the holes for the legs to come through . Our walk was only about 20 minutes to get there and it was a little on the warm side , but not blistering hot . Alex was a little on the sleepy side so I took him directly to the swing to see how he liked it . Turns out the swing didn 't wake him up too much . He just swung back and forth looking at the ground the entire time . Calista on the other hand loved her swing ride . Every time she came at me I 'd grab her swing and hold her for a second , then let her swing backwards . The result was adorable baby giggles . Alex had enough by now though so him and daddy sat in the swing next to us for a little while , then went to that nice patch of grass he had found earlier . We gave them their final bottle at 8 : 30 at which time Alex fell right to sleep on me . He was so snugly , I really didn 't want to put him in his crib tonight . Calista was awake , but she seems to be easier than Alex to get to sleep when it 's bed time . You can lay her in her crib and she 'll talk for a little while , but then she goes to sleep within 15 minutes I 'd say . With both babies asleep it was time to tackle that mountain of laundry that needed folding , ( another thing I probably should have done today instead of playing ) . Knowing that Ed would want to go to bed at 9 pm sharp , I asked him to help fold clothes for the next 10 minutes until he went to bed . We both started working on the laundry basket when he decided to move all the clothing over to one side so he could sit down . When I asked him what he was doing he told me why stand up when I can do it sitting down . We were almost to the bottom of the laundry basket and I told him that there was still another load in the dryer and could he please go get that out , which he did . About 7 minutes had gone by since we started our laundry adventure when Ed says , " Isn 't it time we take a break ? " . What could I do but stare at him in disbelief and say , " I am always amazed that you have held a job for as long as you have " . He was kidding of course and so was I . I just thought it was a funny story I would share . The worst part of motherhood for today is trying to get medication for your baby that you know they need and running into brick walls left and right . Makes me just want to scream , " He 's a baby and he won 't feel good unless he has this ! Why are you not making this a high priority that he get his medicine ! ! ! " . The best part of motherhood for today . . . well I have two actually , one for each baby . The first was our trip to the park and listening to Calista giggle on the swing . There is nothing more healing than a babies giggle in my book . The second is a warm snugly Alex asleep on my shoulder . I didn 't even mind the snoring in my ear , ( which I 'm just sure he gets from his daddy . . . lol ) . Monday Ed and I lazied around the house and played with the cubs all day . We only had one outing where we went to pick up Alex 's medicine and a quick trip to Starbucks . Other than that we were home bodies . I did however manage to get myself hooked on the show Lost , after it 's off the air of course . However I think the best way to watch a series like this is through Netflix online through the blu ray player . I don 't have to watch any commercials and I don 't have to wait for the next season when they do cliff hangers . I also was able to finish beading a little wall decoration I had started for Alex . It 's a little Rainbow Truck done in Peyote stitch . The pattern is available at The Bead Coop for anyone that likes to do beading . Next up is a pattern I created myself of a little red choo - choo train . I 'll post pictures of that one when it 's finished as well . Now the only issue I have is that Lost is starting to scare the crap out of me and I fear it 's going to make me jump and I 'll spill all of my tiny little seed beads everywhere . And don 't think that I 'm leaving Calista out on this one . I have patterns in the making for ladybugs , butterfly 's , flower and all kinds of garden creatures . I just need to sit down and finish the patterns for them . Weds . was Jessica 's first day and what a difference ! Ed came home to a couple of happy cubs and a wife that didn 't look so frazzled that she was ready to rip his head off . Just a little break and I 'm good as gold . I also find that I have the energy to play with the kids more when I 've had a little bit of a break from them . Sunday , the cubs officially turned six months old . While Dad and Ed took off to go play golf , Mom and I set out for Estes Park with the twins . They had a craft show going there , the weather was beautiful so why not . We got them in the stroller , strapped their fashionable sunglasses onto their heads and away we went . They were the talk of Estes Park ! Everywhere we went people commented on them and the sunglasses . One vendor selling stained glass even had to take a picture of them . We had a bunch of fun , spent a little money with our local crafters , ( I 'd rather support them than China ) and before we knew it the clock said 5 p . m . We headed back down the mountain and ended up meeting Dad and Ed for Mexican food here in Windsor . Calista did her standing up on the table and let out several of her high pitched screeches for the other customers . Again the time seemed to fly and it was well past time to get them fed and off to dream land . I 've noticed that the disheveled look of my house seems to be in direct correlation to what kind of day I 've had . Both last Thursday and Friday the house looked like a band of gypsies had set up camp in it . By now Alex has come down with Ed 's cold and he is stuffy , miserable and whiney . He doesn 't take a very good nap these couple of days , and when I do lay him down he fusses so much that he wakes Calista up . Needless to say mommy is stressed out ! And all you mothers out there know exactly what I 'm talking about right now . You 're just at a loss for what else to do for the child , nothing seems to calm them and you have to really try to stay with it mentally so you don 't blindly shake the baby . And once you take a step back from being in this state you feel like a terrible mother . Wednesday come hell or high water I had to go to Costco , we weren 't going to make it through another night without more diapers . So repeat the drill from the day before , but this time I made it past Starbucks . I got to Costco and knew that I immediately had to get Calista changed , so we went straight for the bathroom . She did it to me again with a poopy diaper , but I got her all cleaned up and left a little gift in the trash for the cleaning lady in Costco . Luckily the shopping carts at Costco have seats for two babies in them . So I brought a blanket from home and put that at the base and placed both cubs in the cart . They aren 't sitting up on their own yet , but Calista can hold herself up straight . Alex on the other hand slouches a bit . The problem was though that both of their heads were hitting the wires at the back of the shopping cart seat , so I had to pad it with the blanket and a burp cloth . With that all set we were off on our shopping adventure through Costco . . . . at lightning speed I might add . I knew my time was limited before both of them became fussy . I made it through 3 / 4 of the store before I had to pick Calista up out of her cart seat and carry her . At this point I have 2 boxes of diapers , 3 gallons of bleach and lots of other heavy items in my cart , Calista in my right arm over my shoulder , Alex in the cart seat and I have to turn this heavy cart with one arm . I knew it wasn 't just me that found this taxing when I saw the looks of pity on other shoppers faces . One woman even said she wouldn 't have had the nerve to go it alone with one baby , let alone two ! So thinking myself to be a super mom after that comment I decided we were done and it was time to get going . At the check stand I ran into yet another problem though , I had to put the items on the conveyor belt . How was I going to do that while holding Calista . So I told Calista she was just going to have to sit in the cart seat for a little while so I could unload . I set her in the seat and started to buckle her in when I caught the tender under part of her arm in the buckle and pinched it . Oh that little girl screamed ! ! ! ! ( As would I , that 's a tender area ! ) . The entire Costco warehouse seemed to be staring at me and I went from super mom to ' what an idiot ' in about a split second . With my purchases all loaded back up in the cart , Calista in my arms , Alex in the cart seat still , all that was left to do was load it all up in the car . As I exited Costco though the woman that was behind me stopped and looked at me , then stopped again and asked if I needed any help . I told her thank you , but I can manage and started making a turn with the cart to go to the car . She stopped again and said , " Really , please let me at least push your cart for you " . So I said okay and thanked her . Now in the back of my mind I 'm having an argument . . . . is she a kind person or is she going to take off running with my Alex in the cart ? Too many stories in the news , so you never know . With caution I told her I would pull on the front part of the cart to help her steer it since it was so heavy and Alex needed to be held upright . Once at the car she offered to hold Calista and asked how in the world I was going to get the groceries into my car . I told her that was the easy part , I put Calista in her car seat , then Alex in his leaving both doors open since it was hot out . Then loaded up the groceries and was done . I thanked her profusely . . . and turns out , she was a kind person not a kidnapper .
|
It 's kind of a sad Christmas , knowing what I know , but , it will just be different next year , that 's all . Changes . A Season for everything . Today , as we all gather with our families , celebrating the birth of Christ , take it all in . The smells , the laughter , children running around with their new toys , the mess , the wonderment of what Christmas is really about and memories of Christmas 's past , relish in remembering . All of it . He tells me that the dogs love to get on his bed , where they will fight for a spot on the bed , closest to him . He says he loves it when I am getting him ready for a bath , the dogs will wrestle with him as he tries to get out of bed . He says that one will be up at his head , one will be pulling on his arms and one will be at his feet . He seems very happy when he tells me these stories abut the dogs . He says the dogs love him so . Only one problem : As I was cleaning house yesterday , I walked into the hallway , looked into the bedroom , checking on husband . There he was , " playing " with the dogs . My dog was in the living room , with me . I gave husband an early Christmas gift . A new jacket . Later , as I was taking him outside , I was putting the new jacket on him and he smiled and asked , " Is this new ? I 've never seen this before . " I feel as if I am operating on automatic pilot these days . I just do and don 't think about why I am doing . Christmas . I don 't feel great about it , nor , do I feel bad about it . Lately , I don 't think I feel much of anything anymore . If I had to stop and analyze my feelings , I think I will go mad . It 's better to be on automatic pilot . Marching on . Gearing up for Christmas . Ho hum . I 'm not as into the Holidays as I thought I was going to be , but , I 'm not that bad either . Husband continues to be in his own world . There have been some really sad moments , but , for the most part , life ( or lack thereof ) is moving right along . You can really see the damage this disease has done . When you talk to him , his eyes do not focus on you . He will look in your direction , but always looks slightly to the right and upward . It 's disturbing . He has , for some crazy reason , thinks he is supposed to lay on his bed at the foot of the bed . He will put his head on the footboard , with his neck resting on the hard metal footboard . And , he 's comfortable doing that . He also thinks he has always slept at the end of the bed . I will get him at the head part of the bed , leave the room , go check on him within 10 minutes , and there he is , sound asleep , at the foot of the bed . Tish came over yesterday . He didn 't know who she was . He is obsessed with a catalog we have . It 's a sporting catalog , with everything from hunting knives , to guns , bows and arrows and just a bunch of miscellaneous things for camping and hunting . He has gone through it so much , all day , every day , that most of the pages are dog eared . He tells me it 's broken . In fact , everything is broken . And , he wants me to fix it all . Most days , everything is the same . We 've gotten into a routine , with this change in him . He is , most days , oblivious to everyone and everything around him . When it 's time to eat , I will guide him to the table . Once the food is set in front of him , I guide his hand to his fork . He always looks at the fork and his food as if he 's seeing it for the first time . Always acts surprised that food appeared in front of him . So , for the most part , the Holidays are upon us , and , it 's OK . I 'm not angry , I 'm not sad . I 'm not happy , I 'm just here . Taking care of husband , counting the days until this is all over with . I feel so bad for not posting in over a week . I 've gotten into a slump and come here each day to post , but , then , X out of it . I have Alzheimer 's to thank for that . Our Thanksgiving was wonderful . I finally got the rest of our dinner and told myself to smile , think positive and put on a happy face . Turns out , Pat & Christine had come up from Albuquerque and had been staying with Justin & M Anne in Parker , CO . It was a surprise for me and it couldn 't have been better . The food was good , the company even better . We laughed , told funny stories , shed some tears , Pat got a nice fire going in the fireplace , helped me with husband , watched some football and then we turned on Chopped on the Food Network and watched several episodes of that . We looked at all the sale papers for black Friday , laughed some more and I took it all in , loving every minute of it . They all came back on Saturday and we went up to Manitou Springs for dinner . Walking the streets was magical . Christmas lights were on , it was bitter cold , but , I didn 't care . They all took turns pushing husband in his wheelchair . We would stop and look at shops , then , on to eat dinner . I had to go to the store Wednesday , late in the afternoon . We had a big snowstorm , and it was 3 degrees outside . Walking up to the entrance , I saw the Christmas trees , with the smell overwhelming me . There was a young guy tending to the trees , so , I walked up and asked how much they were . He showed me the prices and before I knew it , I had bough a real Christmas tree ! He put it on top of my car , tied it to the rack , then asked me if my husband could bring it in from the car . That took me by surprise , but , after fumbling around for words , I smiled and said , " of course . " He smiled and said , " Oh good , because , this tree is heavy and I know you couldn 't get it off your car . " Once I got home , I looked at the tree and thought , " Well , you got yourself into a pickle now . " Went and got my kitchen scissors , back out to the car , stood there for a minute and busted out laughing . There was no way I was going to get this Christmas tree off of my car . Just then , two of the maintenance workers came by in one f the golf carts they use here . I hollered out , " Hey Joe . " He stopped , I motioned for him toward me . He stopped , turned around and came up to the car . He looked at me , than at this big Christmas tree tied to my car . He said , " What did you do now , Sue ? " I was laughing and said , " On a whim , I bought this tree and now I don 't know how to get it off my car . " Thanks to Joe and Jeff , it is now sitting on my patio , in the freezing cold , waiting to be brought in . Tish brought some decorations for the tree yesterday . I had nothing . She said they would be back tomorrow so Jace could put in on a stand and bring it in the apartment . As far as husband is concerned , well , what can I say ? He is fading from me . He is in his own world most of the time , but , just to make life interesting , just when I think he 's gone for good , he will surprise me with , " remember when . . . . . ? " Looking at the tree on the patio yesterday , he said , clear as a bell , " The tree is pretty . Glad you bought it . I won 't be here next year , so , remember how pretty this tree was next year , OK ? " So , tomorrow night , when the tree is brought in and decorated to the hilt , I will turn on the lights and relish in this special Christmas tree . I will savor every moment , file in my brain every detail of this tree . I will post a picture of this special tree for all to see . I believe this tree called out to me . And , on a whim , I bought it . And , brought it home for husband . Well , well , so I 've come here to blog . I had to take a break from it all . The nonsense , same ole ' same ole ' , and , the Alzheimer 's . Sometime , it 's just too much for me . We had a very rough week last week . Husband had hallucinations day and night . Did I mention the anger ? He became angry with everything . I , for once , didn 't think I would make it through . It was rough . Sitting in the shower the other morning , he seemed to calm down while water was running on him . I chose that time to get his clean clothes ready . I heard a bam , ran into the bathroom and there he was , sitting sideways , falling out of the shower with his shower seat falling with him . After helping him back up , I asked him what happened ? He spoke , in broken words , saying he didn 't know what had happened , but , it was my fault because I left him alone . Of course . I 'm so over all of this . Since Friday , he has gotten through this angry stage and it has been much more pleasant . Not great , but , pleasant . I am not in the mood for all this Thanksgiving stuff . Thanks to Alzheimer 's . I bought a turkey . Nothing else . Just a turkey that is now completely thawed in my fridge . No apples for pies , no bread for stuffing , no nothing . When is Thanksgiving ? Oh yes , this Thursday ? Great . Husband is waking up . He didn 't sleep well . Coughed all night . It 's his bath day . Have to make sure the house is warm for him . Lay his clothes out , before he gets in the shower . Husband has slipped , but , not too bad . He seems to be OK with all that he has lost . It 's probably because he doesn 't even realize what 's going on anymore . His sleeping has been good , with few interruptions during the night . Hallucinations are a daily thing now . I have learned to just go with it . They still bother me , but , for him , I can 't show it . I bought a scale a few weeks ago and now weigh husband once a week . He is losing weight . When I weighed him last Sunday , he was down another 1 / 2 pound . It 's hard for me to not weigh him more frequently , but , Dr said only once a week . We go back to the Dr on the 2nd of December for a weight check . The weather here is turning pretty cold . I 've had more fires in the fireplace , sometimes during the day . I am glad we moved here . There , I said it . Even though the real reason was for husband , it 's so much better here . I am still playing with the idea of completing the book I began over a year ago . Blogging , for me , used to help me , mentally . While it still does , with husband having mere months left here on earth , I come here and find myself repeating the same thing . Being that this will be husband 's last Christmas , it will be a Christmas to remember . I plan on decorating , getting a tree , playing Christmas music , lights up around my patio , the works . I am planning on taking pictures daily once the decorations are up . Of husband . I want to look back on this special time and think I did the right thing . For husband . I had to run an errand and decided to take husband and the dog with me . Husband doesn 't get out much , it 's just too hard on him and me . But , this day , I did . I left husband and the dog in the car , was gone for about 10 minutes . When I got back to the car and opened the door , husband was waving his hands and said , " Be careful , don 't let the dog out . I just saw a pack of dogs run by and I don 't want them getting our dog . " He doesn 't like to go in the bathroom when he first wakes up . Says he doesn 't like to pee in front of other people . Argued with me yesterday , after telling him where to go to the bathroom . He told me , when I pointed out where the toilet was and how to lift up the seat , that that was disgusting and how dare I even suggest him using that thing to pee in . Was twisting the door knob on the hall closet the other night . I asked him what he was doing . Said he was trying to turn on the bathroom light . I 'll be in the living room with the dog on my lap . He will stroke the bed and talk to the dog in the bedroom . Almost every night he thinks the dog is with him , when , in fact , he is on my lap in a different room . I 've noticed the tremors are more present now . Legs and arms . When I see it , I turn my head . I don 't like looking at him when he has these tremors . It 's not pretty . Time to wake husband up . It 's bath and shave day . When I do this , I never know what to expect . We can go anywhere . My life . I 'm still here , still trying to find something to laugh about each day . Most days , I can . Other days ? Uh , not so much . Here we go again . Sorry for the lack in posts . It 's just that lately , days seem to melt into one another , and , I find myself coming here to post , with the same ole ' subject . Alzheimer 's . Leaves a bad taste in my mouth . Husband is holding steady . No drastic decline . He wakes up in a confused state . Does not know where he is , who he is , or , who I am . He will go to the bathroom by himself , but , I have to tell him where the toilet is . He can no longer distinguish the difference between the sink , bathtub or toilet . I look in on him and he is sitting there with a look that says , " Where am I ? " Once he is done , I clean him up , ( if it 's not bath day ) and guide him back to the bedroom where I dress him . He will come to the dining room table and I have to tell him to sit and I fix his breakfast . While he eats , he is still in a stupor . He does not speak , at all . He eats , making a mess . He takes his meds , and , I guide him to this chair in the living room where he will stare at everything , not knowing what anything is . I turn on the TV , making a distraction for him . He will doze off and on the entire morning . I do breakfast dishes , make beds , straighten up around the apartment . Take the trash out , if needed , take the dog for his potty runs , all the while , checking on husband . By noon or so , he seems to be more aware of his surroundings and will attempt to make conversation with me . Trying to remember words is hard on him and the spinning of his hands will begin . Dinnertime rolls around and he eats a good dinner . He will go to his bed after dinner . I turn on his lamp and his TV . By 7 PM , it 's time for more meds . He takes that and I get him undressed and under the covers . By 8 - 9 PM , he is very sleepy and I have to get the last pill to him . Once he takes that pill ( I have to give one pill and wait at least an hour for the other pill ) he is usually out within 15 minutes . It is then that I come to my chair and am left alone with my thoughts . I run through the day . Was it a good day ? Did he eat well ? Did I do well with him today ? I also take stock in what he has lost , if anything . I make a mental note of his tremors . Did they appear to be more or less today ? How many times did he wet his pants ? My , he looks thin today . Did he lose more weight today ? Just another day in my life . A day with Alzheimer 's . A day where nothing really happens , but , everything changes . Ah , yes , no wonder Alzheimer 's leaves a bad taste in my mouth . Happy Halloween . The apartment complex sent a monthly newsletter here last week . In the letter , they provided a sign you can put on your door knob if you want trick or treaters to come to your door . If you don 't put this sign on your door knob , you won 't have any trick or treaters knocking on your door . I thought this a great idea , because , I did not plan on buying any candy . In taking the dog out for his morning walk , I noticed residents have already placed this sign on their doors . As I walked back to my door , it looked so bare and cold . The door with no sign hanging from the door knob screamed what my life is like now . Almost as if mocking me . I have this sadness that won 't go away . Such a heaviness in my chest this whole week . And now , my barren , cold door knob , with no sign hanging from it has only made it worse . Husband is doing poorly . His awareness is fading . He is sitting in his chair now , head dropped , occasionally talking to someone , using his hands as he attempts to speak . He has been hallucinating all morning . I am thinking of putting up a tree shortly after Thanksgiving . Just in case . I will have to get an artificial tree . I didn 't want an artificial one , I wanted a real tree . But , now , with circumstances being what they are , I want him to see a Christmas tree . Real or not , I feel this need to get one up , fast . While I am praying his journey is almost over , I don 't want it to be in December . Please , not December . January . Yes , January would be better . Please God . His voice is also fading . You can barely hear him . I have to really strain my ears to hear him . He doesn 't know words , spins his hands while trying to remember a simple word . The trees are mostly bare now . The leaves lay on the ground , once green and full of beauty . They are now brown and crisp . Crackling under my feet as I walk the dog . I feel different now . Lonely in a way . Sad . Scared at what life will be like once husband is gone . Will I be OK ? I know I will be a different person , for sure . Not the carefree person I used to be . I look at life differently now . I look at death differently as well . When husband is hallucinating , he looks up and smiles the sweetest smile . I feel in my heart , he sees God , or , Angels , speaking to him . It 's that smile , so pure and simple . It 's hard to describe . What is there to say now ? This new Dr we saw today was good . Really good . I am concerned with the weight loss . Dr said to watch it closely , get him to drink some Ensure . Might help but might not she said . I had taken husband 's June MRI . She said she didn 't need it . After she was done , she leaves the room and I am feeling very uncomfortable about this MRI I have on disc . I felt like she needed it to see where we are at . The nurse comes in and I tell her how uncomfortable I am in the Dr not even interested in the MRI disc . The nurse says she will scan it into their computer and goes and gets the Dr . Dr K comes in and asks me to step out with her . We go to the computer . She shows me the MRI results and then says , " Mrs Lucero , the reason I don 't need this is because it is obvious your husband is grave . His illness is beyond help anymore . There is nothing anyone can do . You are doing a wonderful job in caring for him . I am so sorry you didn 't understand . It 's not that I don 't care , but , look at his brain . It looks like cauliflower now . " I started to cry and she puts her arm around me and says , " Oh , I am so sorry . I feel so bad for you right now . I know , I wish I could give him a magic pill to help , but , there is nothing I can do . I am also sorry there are other Dr 's out there who will prescribe a pill , just to keep you quiet . I am not that kind of Dr . Take your husband home , care for him the way you are doing now , make his last days , however long that is , filled with love . " She said she will follow him closely . We go in 1 month to check his weight , and she will see him every 3 months until the end . She also has put in a referral for a Primary Care Physician , who will then get us Home Health Care , or , Hospice . So that 's it , in a nutshell . I don 't know what I expected , but , am glad I got him in to this Dr . She shoots straight from the hip and doesn 't mess around . I feel as if I made the right choice in getting a new Dr here , in the Springs . I would look over at husband sitting beside me in the car . His head bobbed , he would look out the window , no recognition of nothing . Nothing . Boy , I have really been slacking in posts . So much has changed in just a month , it 's hard to keep up . I guess Dr F was right when he said the last 6 months would be a rapid decline . He knows his stuff . In June , Dr A told me 6 to 9 months . In September , Dr F said 6 months , give or take . Now , on Monday , this new Dr K will give me a timeline . I wonder what it will be ? Husband has been slipping in an alarming manner . The other night , he came out of the bedroom and stood , holding on to the walls , just staring ahead . Finally , I asked him if something was the matter . He looked over to where my voice was coming from and said , " Where am I going ? " His voice has become so soft , I can 't hear him at times . Dr F told me that is one of the signs of the beginning of the end . How strange . His voice is like a whisper , mumbled and ever so soft . It reminds me of someone who is so exhausted , they talk softly right before they fall to sleep . I am finding myself repeating things to him all day now . I can say something to him and in the next moment he will ask me again . His memory is completely destroyed now . Eating dinner the other night , he began to tell me about his neighbor he had as a little boy . In that new soft voice , he told me how mean this neighbor was and how he didn 't like kids playing in front of his home . Of course , I had heard the story before , but , I was amazed at how he could remember this neighbor , but , can 't remember anything else . I also think it 's time to put him in the wheelchair , doing away with the walker . His legs have become so stiff and his brain can 't tell him to move the legs , making it scary for me . It will be hard , I know , but , being that I have to make these decisions , I feel comfortable about the chair . Speaking of decisions , I often wonder who signed me up for this ? I sure didn 't . I have been thinking of finding a new Church . I miss going . The other day , standing on my patio , a young man came from nowhere , walked by , hesitated , then turned towards me and said , " Would you like to come to Church ? " Stunned , I said , " Yes . " He then handed me a brochure of a Church and walked away . I glanced at the brochure and looked up to thank him . He was nowhere in sight . Now , it was a matter of seconds that he had just handed me this brochure , there was no way he could 've walked that fast to the parking lot . He was gone . These days , well , they just seem to blend together . Because of husband , I do the same thing every day . Same time , same place . It helps with his confusion . Lately , I don 't even think about doing it , it just happens . And usually at the same time as the day before . I sometimes feel like I 'm on automatic pilot . When we had gone to Denver last month for the first visit with the new Dr , I was told at the front desk that there may be a problem with our insurance . Of course , we had the visit anyway . Then , last week , I got a bill . Seems our insurance does not cover . Great . I played with the idea of just keeping this Dr , but , knew in the long run , I could not afford to self pay . What made me angry was , when I had called to make an appointment in June , while still in Albuquerque , I was told they accepted our insurance . Back in the old days , before Alzheimer 's , I would 've fought tooth and nail and would 've been wrapped up in anger . Now ? What 's the sense ? What will it matter in 10 years ? I called a Neurological Clinic on Monday . Asked them if the Dr 's were accepting new patients , did they accept our insurance and how soon could we get in . They were accepting new patients , they did accept our insurance and the first available appointment would be in April . 2014 . My heart sank . I then began to explain husband . His age . His disease . Family history . The rarity of it . New to the state . How , according to Dr F in Denver , husband in all probability , would not be here in April of 2014 . This girl , silent on the phone , finally spoke and said , " Can I call you back ? " Within 20 minutes , she calls and says , " OK , we 've got you down for Monday , at 11 : 30 . Don 't worry about bringing Medical Records , we 'll get them . You will be seeing Dr K . " Thank you . Husband is holding steady . When he wakes up in the morning , he is very confused and doesn 't know where he is at . Once the day starts to roll , he finds his groove and does OK . By sunset , confusion starts again and he becomes agitated . The other night , I found him in the closet . When I walked in and found him there , he looked at me as if I were a stranger . This is where my acting abilities come into play . I make light of it , guide him back to his bed , assure him of who I am , cover him up , make a few jokes and soothe his head . He will let me guide him to bed , all the while , looking at me and frowning . Once I get him on the bed and cover him up , his eyes will dart all over the room and then back at me . The last week or so , I have come into the bedroom and have found husband on his bed with his eyes rolling in the back of his head . I don 't know if that 's seizure activity or what . That rattles me to my core . Ha , I think I finally mastered posting pictures . I took this one of husband . He has had an OK morning . Of course , he doesn 't look normal , but , just OK . It 's his eyes that get me every time . This is the face of Alzheimer 's . That vacant , hollow stare . This is what he looks like today . His face has become elongated . I often look at him and wonder what he is thinking , if he thinks at all . A dear friend sent me a picture of husband in 1994 . It was just after Jack was born and we were at their house for their little girls ' 2nd birthday party . Now , that little girl is in her 2nd year of college and my Jack is in Germany . So much has changed since that picture was taken . I just tried to post the picture and distorted it . Oh well , I 'll try again , maybe tomorrow . Husband has not had a few good days . Shocker . He has been difficult lately . I think that 's the hardest part . I will pick out his clothes to wear and he will insist on wearing Levi 's . Ever try dressing a grown man , with stiff legs and arms ? Yeah . Also , with his Levi 's comes a belt . Then , when he has to go to the bathroom , he doesn 't remember how to unbuckle his belt , let alone undoing the snap on his pants and disaster . I then have to change his pants and diaper . It 's a mess . I put my foot down and told him I am going to get him pull up pants , making it easier for him and me . Not to mention the laundry ! At first , he hesitated , so , I said , " I 'm not asking permission , this is the way it 's going to be " . End of subject ! He has been sleeping a lot . Hallucinations continue . Throughout the day . They come and go . I have learned to ride with it . One minute , he 's here , the next , he 's talking to someone I can 't see . It 's absolutely mind blowing . Settling in for the winter . Gearing up for the Holidays . After the Holidays , well , then I will start the countdown to the end . It will be Spring then . Re - birth . Someone turned the heat off here in Colorado ! ! Oh my , it is cold . Snow is predicted . While out walking my dog yesterday , I stopped in the office to say hello to the ladies . As I walked in , they all said " hi " and I said , " Who turned off the heat here ? " One of them laughed and said , " Welcome to Colorado . " Welcome indeed . I had a fire going all day and into the night yesterday . Was so cozy and warm in here . Love , love , love the fireplace . Tish stopped by and brought more firewood in from my patio and loaded it around the fireplace . Tish and Jace bought a house . It 's a custom build home , very nice . She took us to the model home they wanted last week . Before they made a final decision . I really like what they have chosen . I am so excited for them . Of course , it will be several months before they actually move in , ( it has to be built ) , but , they have picked out their lot , so , the process has started . Tish is beyond excited and I love listening to her babble about the new home . They will be a small distance from me once they move . Not close like they are now . But , I am happy for them and getting caught up in their excitement helps me get my mind off of husband . On the home front , not much news . We 're in what I 've termed a Holding Pattern , kind of like flying . You never know when the turbulence will hit . Today is bath day . Since getting stuck in the tub a few weeks ago , I use the bath seat now . Husband does not like it . He will mildly protest , I just pay him no mind and wash him up . Once I turn on the shower to rinse him off , he will turn his head up and say that it feels good . I always look closely at him when he does this . He will close his eyes and let out a big sigh . I often wonder , does he remember when he could shower himself ? Funny what goes through my mind nowadays . To re - cap : It 's bitter cold outside . Tish and Jace will build a new home . And me ? Why , I 'm in a Holding Pattern ! ! I 'm doing a little better today . I have a lot to do and decisions to make , but , am feeling better about what I feel comfortable in doing to honor husband . I won 't say much now , but , a plan is taking place , in my mind , and , I feel good about it . I left husband home alone yesterday , but , took the dog and together , we went to Tish 's house to do laundry . A few days before , Tish had taken my sheets , towels and rugs . She did those for me so I wouldn 't have to be away from home for so long . Because he falls so much , I didn 't want to risk him falling on the way to the car . I felt it was more risky to have him attempt to walk ( with his walker ) to the car than to leave him home . These are just one of the many decisions I go through daily . Damned if I do , damned if I don 't . He was asleep when I left , and was sitting in the rocker recliner when I got home . He was fine . In his own world , but , I 'm used to that , so , that part didn 't surprise me . He has been sleeping good throughout the night . That 's a plus . He does talk , in his sleep . His hands will move as he talks to someone or something . It 's more interesting than scary to me . Husband does not like our bathroom . He will tell me that there are people in the bathroom and he always wants me to tell them to leave . I go into the bathroom , stand in the middle of the room and politely ask " the people " to leave . Sometimes , it works , other times , not so good . It 's just the bathroom , bedroom , living room , dining room and kitchen are not an issue . He also says he has to " go down " to the toilet . His mind is so demented now , that I fully believe his perception has been damaged . Or , he will ask me which toilet he should use . He thinks there are more than one . When I point out which one to use , he will say , " But , I have to go down there . Can I go down ? " Trying to convince him he does not have to go down is useless . I go along with it . It 's better that way . I have decided to go all out this Christmas . Tree , trimmings and presents under the tree for him . I now know this will be his last and I want to make a memory for me . There will be pictures , laughter and singing of Christmas songs . I refuse to give in to this disease . Alzheimer 's will not ruin what will be husband 's last Christmas . There will be presents galore under the tree . Cheap , dollar store , Walmart and Target presents . I am actually getting excited when I think about how wonderful my house will look . And smell , with a real Christmas tree . For the first time in a few years , I am actually looking forward to the Holidays . I 've come a long way from last year . One would think that I , knowing husband will not be here next year , would crumble and fall . What to do or what to say after yesterday 's post . I , at times , feel so lost . I don 't know which way to turn anymore . I was told by the new Dr 's and Hospice to start making final arrangements for husband . After calling father in law , he said he wants to be placed next to husband 's mother after all . It didn 't really upset me , as he paid for it when she died . It 's his right to want to be placed next to her . I don 't know where to start . How does one go about making final arrangements ? Especially when you 've moved to a new city where you don 't know anyone ? I never thought about final arrangements and what is involved . Just never crossed my mind . Now , however , it is on my mind constantly . I want to honor husband and do the right thing . I just don 't know where to turn . Do I place him in Albuquerque , or , here ? Do I have him buried or cremated ? Do I just spread his ashes in the mountains here ? In Albuquerque ? Also , how much does this all cost ? I have heard throughout the years that a funeral is a big expense . Something I surely don 't have . This is not fun and I want out of the game . When I come here each morning , what you read comes straight from my heart and soul . I bare it all here , folks . I don 't mince words , I tell it like it is . No cute pictures , no cute stories , no updates on what " Sally Sue " did in school . I am wanting to find a Church here in the Springs . I miss it . I could use some Spiritual Guidance . Maybe that 'll get my mind off of Final Arrangements . So , I got my new charger today . Yay . After purchasing 2 wrong ones , ( which the store clerks insisted would work ) guess the 3rd time is the charm . Oh , so nice to be able to use my laptop again . I also changed up the look of the blog . I felt it needed a face - lift . This morning , while enjoying my espresso on the patio , I saw some geese flying south . They looked so graceful , and then , looking for a new background , I found this one . Looks like geese to me ! ! Husband is not good . In about 10 days , he has lapsed into an unknown territory known only to him . I find him staring into space , often talking to either himself or someone ( ? ) other than me . I put in a call to Dr F on Wednesday about the Home Health Care . The nurse called me back a few hours later and said Dr F said it is too late for Home Health Care , that he needs Hospice . He said he believes husband has about 6 months , give or take , and that Home Health Care is not a good fit . The nurse forwarded this information to Hospice here in the Springs . Hospice came this morning . After assessing husband , she said that he is not ready for Hospice , close , but not just yet . Said it could be a matter of a few weeks or up to a month . Needless to say , I was not amused . She said to contact the local Alzheimer 's Association and see what they could offer us , for now . I woke up at 6 : 30 AM and heard a beeping sound . At first I thought I was dreaming . Then , I heard it again . Looked over at husband 's bed and he was not in it . I flew out of bed and ran into the living room . There I found husband riding his scooter chair . And of course , I asked that crazy question , " What are you doing ? " I have had peaks and valley 's the last few weeks . One minute , I 'm good , the next , I find tears welling up in my eyes . I want to laugh , I want to go outside and feel the beautiful autumn air on my face . I want to look at the beauty of my surroundings with the changing of the leaves . I want to feel safe and secure . I want to be happy . I want a " normal " husband . I want to feel normal . Not just play pretend . Husband is doing poorly . I woke up yesterday morning with him staring at me . I said good morning . He said , " Who are you ? " Yeah , that was the way my day started . I see him fading by the minute . I have had bouts of sudden depression or overwhelming sadness . It hits me out of the blue . My brother came to visit on Sunday . He lives in Florida , but is in Denver for work . We sure had a nice visit . Husband did well during the visit . That was nice , seeing him . After he left , I asked husband if he had enjoyed himself . He smiled and nodded his head . Still waiting on the Home Health Care . It 's been two weeks , don 't know what 's going on or why we have waited so long . I sure could use the help . Husband 's legs are getting stiffer and dressing and bathing is becoming quite a feat . Last week , husband could not get out of the tub . I had to go to the office here and get one of the maintenance guys to lift him out of the tub . I bought him a shower seat , but , he has refused to use it . Since getting stuck in the tub , I told him that from now on , we were using the bath seat . Now , each time I bathe him , using the shower seat , he is quiet , but , does not fight me on it anymore . It has been awhile . So sorry . I have had a lot of trouble getting a new charger for my laptop . I now have been told that I have to order it from HP . Easier said than done when you can 't even use your laptop . I am using the computer here at my apartment office . They have a media center and we are free to use the computers anytime we want . I need to order the charger . Now , on to husband 's Dr visit , two weeks ago ! ! I must say , it was an experience . We were in the exam room for 4 1 / 2 hours . We had 3 different Dr 's come in and examine husband . They told me that since Dr A had sent husband 's history in June , they have been anxious to see him . During the exams , each Dr would tell me what they had found . Each time was more grim than before . To recap , husband is officially in the final stages . Dr H explained what his brain is doing now . He compared it to an embryo . He said an embryo has a primitive brain , a brain that cannot think , remember , see or recognize anything . In an Alzheimer patient , the brain becomes embryo - like , thus , the lack of ability to Dr H also asked me if I had noticed a change in his facial features . I told him as a matter of fact , yes I had . He went on to explain that husband 's brain is like an embryo , and if I had ever seen an ultrasound and how the unborn baby had an elongated face ? Yes , I have seen an ultrasound and yes , a baby in the womb does in fact have that elongated face . Now , he goes on to say that husband has entered the danger stage . With the elongated face , his swallowing reflexes are now involved and this is where choking to death is at the highest . He asked me if husband chokes or coughs a lot . I told him yes , mostly at night . I told him I elevate his hospital bed at night , but it doesn 't help much . Dr H nodded and said , " Well , you can do that , but , unfortunately , it won 't help . " All 3 Dr 's could not give me a timeline . They said that with the rarity of husband 's disease , they really have nothing to go on , but what they have read or heard from another colleague . One Dr , Dr F , looked at me and said , " 6 months ? A year ? I don 't think a year , but , let 's put that as a goal , shall we ? " Since this Dr visit , husband has taken a downward spiral . We 've had seizures , falling episodes and just plain misery . With all this heartache , I always want to find something , anything , to laugh about . Well , Friday night , husband was a handful . I 'd pull his covers back for him to get in bed , he 'd get in , and as soon a I left the room , he 'd get back up and start digging in the closet . After about 2 hours of this , he finally fell asleep , poor guy was exhausted . Husband always falls asleep with his glasses on . When I got to him to take his glasses off , I notice his glasses are on upside down . Oh , what a sight ! ! I sat on my bed and literally cracked up . Oh , it was so sad , pitiful in fact , but , so so funny . Sorry for the lack in posts . My charger for my laptop broke and I have been on a quest to get another one . After two trips to Best Buy they still sold me the wrong one . Going back tomorrow to get the right one . Today has not been a good day . Thank you for the comments . And support in any decisions I may make . I appreciate everyone of you who reads here . After reading some of your comments it helped me . It 's not the comments , or lack of comments , it 's just that I feel as if this blog has become sort of depressing to me , and I felt as if people would read it and think , " Oh boy , here she goes again . " Unfortunately , this is not a fictional blog . It 's real . I have decided , for now , to keep this blog going . I thought long and hard about how to spice it up . And , Debby , you gave me some great ideas . Thank you . The kids know of my feelings . They support me 100 % . Only , we don 't talk much about it . Not much to talk about when they see husband struggling to talk , think and walk . It 's there , smack in their faces . Some handle it better than the others . Jack is the only one who does not handle it well . This has damaged not only husband , but , the family as well . I still want to publish this blog one day . Or , write that book . Writing a book is hard , as I 've started one , only to not go back to it . Husband 's illness is time consuming and suffocating . Hence , this blog . So , for now , this blog shall remain open . We go on Wednesday to the new Dr up in Denver . I will post with an update then . Ah , let 's see , what is happening around here ? Nothing . Days seem to run into each other . Fall is upon us , the weather is turning cold . It 's getting quieter and quieter around this apartment complex . People are beginning to stay indoors more . And , I 'm in a rut . Something about blogging is not working for me anymore . I am finding it harder and harder to blog . I don 't have much to say these days . Other than , my husband is dying and I am caring for him . Period . That 's it in a nut shell . How many times can I say husband has once again declined ? How many more times can I " talk " about his hallucinations ? His memory , or lack thereof ? This has been such an emotional journey for me . Only , most people don 't see it . Even family members . Sure , I 've shed a few tears in front of family , but , for the most part , I 've kept this all to myself . There are days that I don 't think I 'm going to make it through . But , I keep that to myself . There are days I dream of driving off into the sunset . No one knows that one either . ( well , until now ) . I think I 've mentioned before that I sometimes imagine husband already gone , and I am here alone . Actually , I really am here alone . Being alone is not such a bad thing , except when you have a husband physically present , but mentally gone . Now , that 's a hard one . Then , I have good days , when husband is present and it seems as close to normal as you can get . I think that is the hardest part for me . Knowing he 's not normal anymore and this is just a little break from my stark realty . When I say good days , it 's good , sure , but , as I 've said before , there 's always the other side of me that sits and waits for it all to go away . And , just like clockwork , it all goes away and I am left with nothing once again . I used to come here and feel good about what I posted . Now ? There 's really not much more I can post about . And , I 'm sure most readers out there are looking for someone who posts about their interesting lives . Not this blog , where it 's all doom and gloom . I started this blog as a daily journal , beginning a journey I never thought I 'd travel . Not me , no , it wouldn 't happen to my husband . And , here I am , traveling it . Doing it . Watching it . Living it . So , I 've come to a fork in the road . Do I continue this blog or , let it go . I want to chronicle this journey , but , am I doing it for me ? Will I , one day , want to read this ? All of it ? Has Fall arrived here in Colorado ? I think so . I woke up to a cold morning with the wind blowing . Some of the tops of trees look a little yellow to me . Could be . Uneventful day yesterday . Husband has remained in his own world . For the most part , he will just stare into space . Once in awhile , he seems to come out of it and ask a question , the same question he had asked 15 minutes earlier . I answer again , only to have him slip away and continue staring into space . I was watching him yesterday , staring into space . I was so intrigued by it . I wondered what is going on in his head . Does he hear voices ? Is it just a muddy mess in his brain ? Does he , in his mind , acknowledge that it is a jumbled mess ? When you see something like this , it does make you wonder . His eating habits are very messy . He makes a mess at the table . I wipe up food from his placemat and usually end up having to wash the placemat once a week . As I said before , I just wish Alzheimer 's would completely take over now . Quit giving me these little reprieves from this disease . I am so tired of this roller coaster . For me , it 's either all or nothing . At this point , I 'd rather have nothing , than to live this day to day , waiting for the other shoe to drop . I have lived and breathed this disease for 3 1 / 2 years now . I 'm so over it all . While I don 't want husband to die , I don 't want to see him suffer , struggling with the day to day effects of this disease . It 's heartbreaking to watch this . We see the new Neurologist in Denver next Wednesday . I still have his MRI , done in June , on a CD Disk in my purse . I wonder what this new Dr will see . What will be his opinion ? Will he see what Dr A saw ? Will he give me a new " Death Date ? " I am looking forward to going , crazy as it sounds . Things had been going so well in the Alzheimer 's department . One could say it was almost normal around here . Save for the walking issues , slurred speech and the wearing of the diapers , husband was acting decent . A little grumpy here and there , but , not too bad . All that changed yesterday . In the afternoon . Husband was using the bathroom ( still obsessed with going to the bathroom ) when he called me in there in a panic . He told me someone had moved the handle to flush the toilet . He was thrashing about while sitting on the toilet , shaking the shower curtain , looking for the handle . I kept telling him the handle was right there , behind him . He was having none of it . During these episodes , nothing , and I mean , nothing , will make sense to him . After about 10 minutes , I guided his hand to the back of the toilet where the handle was . He seemed to come out of it , somewhat . He told me that someone was tricking him , was it me who moved the handle ? Try as I might , he did not understand that the handle was not moved , it did not go anywhere and no one had moved it . Not even me . He went to sleep around 9 or so . Around 5 : 30 this morning , I woke up to hear rattling , a loud unusual sound . I sat up and there was husband clawing at the blinds and window . I asked him what was the matter . He turned to look at me and it was then and there that I realized he did not recognize me . He didn 't ask who I was , just stared at me , with a look of , " who are you ? " When he gets this way , all I can do is coax him back to bed , gently . He was very quiet while I guided him back on his bed . He looked so tired and scared . Like a little boy . I tucked him back in and got into my bed . As I laid my head down I gave out a big sigh . It 's been a nice reprieve , this last month or so . We 've laughed , gone on day trips , enjoyed our " getting to know Colorado " . We 've had conversations , mostly with me doing the talking , but him being present for the most part . We 've sat at the dinner table , talking . He 's told me how delicious dinner was . We 've laughed at the dog and his cute little antics . Nice little break . Nice while it lasted , that is . Now , back to the business of watching Alzheimer 's destroy my husband and our life . I will cherish the last month . I am sad today . Sad for a lot of reasons , but , mainly for husband . In a way , I wish Alzheimer 's would completely claim him now . Quit teasing me with these breaks in between . Round two of the rains have arrived . I don 't think it 's as bad as before , but , still , the rains are here . Let 's hope and pray everyone stays safe . We 've had a low key weekend . I took husband and dog with me to Tish 's house yesterday to finish up my laundry . In between loads ( I had two ) I went with her to the Commissary . My , that place is huge . And crowded . I wasn 't impressed with their prices , but , their meat department looked good . Even Tish says their prices are not that great . While up at Tish 's house , the rains hit . I was anxious to get home . Once we got home , I started a fire in the fireplace . By dinner time , it was nice and warm in my apartment . Since Saturday , husband has been so confused and angry . I deal with it on a daily basis , but , for some reason , he has been in a foul mood for a few days now . And , everything is my fault . There are days I just deal with it . Then , there are days that I feel I might go crazy dealing with it . Yesterday was one of those days . Before we left for Tish 's house , as I was dressing husband , he did not want to wear the sweats I was putting on him . He became agitated and said he wanted to wear his Khaki pants with his belt . I told him that these were warmer and easier to put on ( for me ) and makes it much easier for when he has to go to the bathroom . He was having none of it . I finally told him to knock it off , he was wearing the sweats , like it or not . From there on out , he was in a fowl mood . Getting to the car was fun . I had husband in his walker ( I keep the wheel chair in the back of my car ) , slowly making his way to the car , my cart on wheels with dirty clothes , my purse , my cup of espresso , a plant I wanted to transplant and the dog . Oh , my dog . He was so happy and excited to be going bye bye , that he kept jerking his leash , making it difficult for me to handle everything . Then , there was the loading of the car . Once I got everything and everyone settled , I let out a big sigh and started the car . Husband looked at me and said , " I don 't know what you are complaining about , It 's just a little walker . " Oh my , I had visions of opening his door and kicking him out . With his " little walker " . I said nothing . A big step for me . And a big Bravo to me as well . I actually kept my mouth shut . Of course , the teeth grinding I did on the way to the base was something to observe . Once I got back in the apartment , set everything and everyone down , I went to check on husband . There he was , walking in the rain and not too pleased about it . I said nothing . Again , Bravo to me ! ! I think we are beginning to dry out . Northern part of Colorado , not so lucky . On the local news last night there was a lady looking for her 81 yr old dad . He 's still missing . My heart hurt for her and the rest of the people still looking for family and friends . I did go to Tish 's house and do my laundry yesterday . The roads were OK , soaking , saturated , but OK . We made a quick trip to Target as it was time for me to get new PJ 's . As we drove there , we saw the creek beds and rivers that have been on the news . They were still roaring and moving fast . Scary . I woke up to partially clear skies and very chilly . The wood I bought for the fireplace is still on my patio , a little wet , but I may have a fire tonight . Before the rains came , I had asked Tish to cover the wood with some heavy duty plastic I had . Thankfully she did and the rains hit that night . Husband has been confused about all this rain . For some reason , he doesn 't understand rain anymore . He wanted to know all about it , asking me many questions about how the rain causes so much damage . So , there I was , getting a little nervous on day 3 of constant rain , explaining rain to husband , all the while , looking out my living room windows thinking , " Stop already . " The big decline has not hit yet , but , I 'm waiting . A few little hallucinations here and there . Mostly very early in the morning . He has been very grouchy . Snapping at me during the day . I ignore it and go about my day . I was cooking dinner last night when husband called me into the bathroom . When I went in there , he was sitting on the toilet , holding his wallet . He asked me to count his money . My first thought was , , " Why did you bring your wallet to the bathroom , " but , then again , he has Alzheimer 's , it 's silly to ask him why . I counted the money , and put it back in his wallet . He seemed satisfied . Told him dinner was almost ready and it was time for him to come up to the table . In answer to your question , the above picture of husband was not taken in Manitou Springs . The picture was taken up in Chama , New Mexico on what was our last camping trip in 2010 . I sometimes look at it now and think , " I thought he was sick back then . You should see him now . " The rain continues here in the great state of Colorado . It just wont stop . I got a little concerned , but , my upstairs neighbor told me we would be fine . We are supposed to clear somewhat by this afternoon . I hope so . Man , I love me a good rain storm , but this is ridiculous . Poor Manitou Springs . It 's only 20 minutes from here and I think they got flooded during the night . Such a pretty area too . Ft Carson got 13 inches of rain last night . Yeah , it 's that bad . We are 1 / 4 of a mile from Gate 3 , so , you can just imagine we got about the same . Tish called me last night and said they had lost power as well . We have not lost power . So far . Husband is holding steady . Some hallucinations early this morning , but , for the most part , he 's doing OK . The decline is coming , just you wait and see . I think that 's the worst part . The waiting . Now that I know what to expect , that it 's coming , well , that 's the hard part . Husband has been eating well . He used to sleep during the day and busy himself in the bedroom . Here , he stays in the living room with me and does not sleep at all during the day . That can be bothersome at times , because , he asks questions all day long . I try to answer in an upbeat tone , but , sometimes , after answering the same question over and over , there is a little edge to my voice . Husband has all sorts of gadgets . Now that the bedroom is finally put together , with all of his stuff finally finding a home , he has been taking his stuff out and spreading them on his bed , looking at them . Not all at the same time , but , a few at a time . That 's all fine and dandy , keeps him out of my hair , but , what he does next would drive a crazy person insane . He will bring something out and tell me it 's broken , I need to get a box and mail it back to the company so they can fix it . When I tell him it 's not broken , he gets very upset . The trouble is , he has forgotten how to use this gadget so , he thinks it 's broken . He gets emotional . He may throw a temper tantrum . He gets agitated . Take for instance , the other night . Husband has this knife he bought a few years back . It wasn 't cheap , a very nice quality pocket knife . He insisted that it was broken , would not close , I needed to do something right now . Being that it was night time here really wasn 't anything I could do . The next morning when Tish came over , he showed her his " broken knife " . He looked so sad as he was telling her that his knife was broken . Tish takes the knife , presses the button and lo and behold , the knife closes . Husband thinks Tish is a hero . She can fix anything , he says . I wish she could fix anything . I 'd give her husband and say , " Here , it 's broken , fix it . " I 'm feeling much better today . After I posted , I decided to let this anger run through me and to just deal with it . By early afternoon , the anger was gone . Whew , that was a rough one . I called father in law . We had a nice talk . I actually enjoy our talks now . He 's really a wonderful man . He told me his misses us a lot . But , as he says , as long as husband is happy , that 's all he cares about . Speaking of husband , he is holding steady . As I was bathing him yesterday morning , he said , " Isn 't it funny ? " He " uses the same washcloth you are using right now , " and giggled while he said it . I was confused . I said , " Who ? " He smiles real big and says , " The man . " Could it be that husband has a split personality now ? I wonder . This disease is so strange . Husband is following the pattern , but , at times , even the Dr 's are perplexed at how his mind is working , or , not working . He 's a case study , that 's for sure . I believe Fall has officially arrived in Colorado . Today is very cool , with rain expected the rest of the week . I can 't wait to look out my windows and see the leaves turning color . They say that the Fall here is breathtaking . Today , we will spend quietly . I have no plans to go anywhere and want nothing better to do than relax . It 's been a whirlwind month . We go to Denver on the 25th of this month to the new Neurologist . He heads the Neurological unit at the University of Colorado . According to Dr A , he 's one of the best . I wonder what he will think of husband . Will he , as Dr A did so many times , look at husband and scratch his head ? I can always tell when husband is in one of those moods . Just by the way he holds his mouth . So , we did go , but , he was not in a good place . Plus , the dog wanted to bark at everyone and pull on his leash so hard , I thought my arm would come out of it 's socket . There was one store where the wheelchair would not fit in the aisles . I wanted to see what was in the back part of the store and I told husband to wait up at the front , I 'd be right back . Of course he didn 't listen . He got stuck in one of the aisles and one of the clerks had to move stuff all around so we could get him out . Driving back down through the little village , I looked at all the people there , walking , darting in and out of shops , husband 's holding hands with wives , children laughing , people sitting in the outdoor cafe 's and dogs walking with their owners . Once we got home , I was helping husband along to our front door and noticed several people at the pool . I saw kids playing , husband 's BBQ ' ing and wives sitting in lounge chairs . I felt such anger swelling up inside of me . Why can 't my life be like that ? Why can 't I have a normal life ? Tish called and said they wanted to stop by . I warned her ahead of time that I was in a foul mood , but , come at your own risk . They did stop by and I handled it well . I was just glad when they left because I wanted to continue my pity party . This morning , at 5 : 30 , I woke up and husband was not in his bed . I found him in the bathroom , fiddling with stuff on the counter . I finally convinced him to get back in bed . He is not in a good place this morning . I am still feeling anger . I am mad at the whole world . I don 't want to feel this way . I have had bad days in the past , but , this anger I am feeling is not good . I have to ride it out . I will try to keep my mouth shut today and let this anger take it 's course . I suppose it 's normal , but , I am very uncomfortable with this kind of anger . I don 't want to take it out on husband , it 's not his fault he 's sick . Then , on the other hand , I look at husband and feel resentment welling up inside of me . I am waiting for the Home Health Nurse to start coming this week . That will help . I love to post early in the morning . My head is fresh , my mind clear . I remember the previous day 's events . Husband is usually asleep , making it easy for me to post before he wakes up and the questions begin . Not so lucky this morning . He got up as soon as I did . I had to give him a haircut , bathe and shave . Then , it was house cleaning . I hung the rest of pictures , re - arranged a few things , dusted , vacuumed . Boy , it looks nice in here . I really like this apartment . It is so big and roomy . Now , with pictures in the living room , it looks like home to me . I go to Tish 's house on Friday 's to do my laundry . Last week , I took husband and the dog . It was just too much . Yesterday , I left them both at home . I settled husband in the big chair , in front of the TV and told him he was not allowed to leave . It 's not bad leaving him anymore because he virtually cannot walk . He said he would sit there until I came home . I showed him how to answer the phone and left . I was gone for about 3 hours and tried calling him . No answer . I got a little worried , but , the office know to be on the lookout for him when they see my car gone ( we live across from the office ) . Yes , they are that good . Un - loaded the car fast , thinking I 'll never forgive myself if something happened to husband . Flew in the front door , and , there was husband , sitting in the same position he was when I left . With a big grin , he said , " I did what you said . I didn 't move . " I didn 't know whether to laugh or cry from relief . I told him I had tried calling a few times . He looked confused . He said he never heard the phone ring . Frustrated , I took the phone and showed it to him . Then , I looked at it closely . My bargain $ 4 . 00 phone I got at the Goodwill 4 years ago , had finally gone out ! ! After putting clean clothes away , fresh sheets on both beds , I made a trip to Target where I got a brand new phone . It actually rings now . What a concept ! ! I am taking husband to Manitou Springs tomorrow . He is excited about that . Keeps asking me when is tomorrow . All we 'll do is stroll the sidewalks , me with the dog , husband in his wheel chair . It 's so pretty up there , actually , I 'm a little excited too . Life is settling , I 've noticed . I 've gotten a routine again . I 'm beginning to relax a little . This weather here in Colorado is glorious . It 's beginning to feel like home to me . Finally . Tish and I went to another Costco nearer my apartment yesterday . It may have been closer , but , to get there , you had to take surface streets versus straight freeway to the other one . I decided I will go the freeway route to the farthest one next time . While we were driving back to my apartment , she asked me , " Do you see yourself staying here forever ? " Without hesitation , I said , " I do . " While I 'm not " in love " with the Springs , it is growing on me and the more I venture out , the more I like it . I certainly don 't want to move anytime soon . I 'm still trying to recover from this one . Husband has adjusted well . I 'm surprised . He has his little moments when he slips into his own world , but , mood wise , he 's been great . He can 't see well at all anymore . Yesterday morning , I was attaching the leash on the dog . Husband was to the side of me . He started making clucking sounds . I looked up and he was staring into space , making noises like he was calling the dog to him . It was as if the dog was right in front of him , when in reality , the dog was to the side of him . A little unsettling for me . I took the dog out in the afternoon . A few minutes after I got back in , husband asked me which dog did I take out to go pee . Now , we only have one dog . When I told him we have only one dog , he looked into thin air and smiled , as if he knew a secret . I was in the kitchen and as I came out , he said , " I 'm a little stinky . " He had dirtied his diaper . As I was cleaning him up he said , " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to poop my pants . " I had nothing to say , as he 's right . He doesn 't mean to do it . On the other hand , it 's not so pleasant for me . Changing a grown man 's diaper ? Not so fun . Husband 's eating has picked up a bit since we moved here . Must be all that fresh air . I now have to cut everything up for him because he can 't see well enough and his hands have tremors all the time . He makes a real mess on the table . All in all , I am finding a routine here . I keep busy , tending to husband and keeping my apartment clean . It 's nice here . I saw at Costco yesterday the Christmas decorations . Just seeing them made me want to decorate . I haven 't had any desire in the past 3 years to do any decorating . This year will be different . We had a really nice day yesterday . We went with Tish & Jace to a pancake breakfast and then a parade . It was in Fountain Valley , a small community southeast of the Springs . It was nice to get out and kind of see just exactly where I am living now . This little town was so quaint . I liked the vibe of this community . Husband enjoyed himself , especially during the parade . Colorado must be on a timer . As soon as it turned September , someone turned off the heat and we are having some glorious weather . I love it . Sunday morning , I noticed a big truck in the parking area , filled with wood . The office had told me that this guy sells apartment packages of fire wood . As he was unloading fire wood onto my neighbor 's patio , I motioned him to come over . I asked him what he charged for the wood and how much wood was in this package . To make a long story short , I am now the proud owner of an apartment package of fire wood . He told me he starts coming around during the Labor Day holiday because there are lots of orders to fill . He has now put me on the list and will be here in another 2 weeks . I am going to get another package , because , as , like he says , " When Winter hits , Winter hits . " Rather be prepared . My neighbor says by using her fireplace , it saves bundles on the heating bill . She also said that the fireplaces in this complex are wonderful and heat up the whole apartment . Am looking forward to my first fire in the fireplace . I called my mom in the afternoon , to give her our new home phone number . I was supposed to call her last week , but , with all the unpacking I had to do , it slipped my mind . She was so happy to hear from me . I was telling her all about Colorado Springs , the weather , the blue skies , that groceries are cheaper here , my new apartment and how husband handled the move . She said , " You know honey , you sound so good . I haven 't heard that lift in your voice in such a long time . " Surprised , I said , " I do ? I sound good ? " " Yes , you do . I 'm so glad you honored your husband and took him to Colorado . " Yesterday was busy . Not only did I do my usual Saturday cleaning , I put the rest of the stuff away . Moved things around . It looks nice in here now . I had gone to Costco 2 weeks ago to get my usual monthly stuff . I had bought bathroom cleaner , only , at Costco , you have to buy a big package . The cleaner is tall , heavy cans that comes with 5 cans in a package . I opened the package on the bathroom sink , took one out , and was putting the package back under the sink when one of the cans fell out of the cut package and landed directly on my big toe . The foot that I had hurt several months ago when I had fallen outside at the old apartments . The pain was unreal . I put ice on it immediately . It is now swollen , stiff and beginning to turn a beautiful shade of purple . There 's also a cut where the rim of the can hit my foot with such force that it broke the skin . Great . Oh well , I can still walk , just have to baby the foot . Again . Husband was locked in his own world all day . Because I was so busy , I tried to ignore him because I don 't like this state . He did , however , take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon . I woke him up for dinner . He ate all of his dinner and went back to his bed . I turned on the TV for him . As I was leaving the room he said , " What 's for dinner ? " When I told him he had just had dinner , he looked confused , but , said nothing . I keep forgetting the real reason why we moved here . Not for this beautiful state . It is beautiful around here . The mountains , the rolling , green hills , the Aspen trees , yes , it 's really beautiful here . Even the water tastes good here . The fresh air . The expansive blue sky . I brought husband here to die . I have to keep telling myself this . I try to get comfortable living here , but , then , I think back to when husband told me why he wanted to move here . I am trying to like it here . The people are certainly friendly . I can 't say I don 't like it here either . What 's not to like ? I really need to get over the fact as to why we moved here and focus on husband and making whatever time he has left to be happy ones . He says he is looking forward to our first fire in the fireplace . I need to be like him , I guess . He knows he 's going to die . And , he 's OK with it . It 's me . I 'm having a hard time of it . Tish , Jace and the kids are coming today for a BBQ . The pool is closing tomorrow here . Husband is looking forward to it . Now , I have to put on a happy face . I wear so many faces nowadays . And , they 're all so fake . I hate being fake . Now , if I can just remember where I put the " Happy Face " in this new apartment I should be good to go . The last few weeks have gone by in a blur . When I think back , just 3 weeks ago we were loading the moving truck bound for Colorado , it just doesn 't seem possible that it was only 3 weeks ago . Then , there 's the 2 weeks spent with Tish & Jace . That went fast . Now , here we are today , already in our own place for a week . Crazy . I woke up at 5 : 30 this morning to find husband not in his bed . I yelled his name . Luckily , he answered . I asked him where he was and he said , " I 'm trying to get out . " Jumping out of bed , I ran to the front door . Not there . Hearing a noise from the bathroom , I found him there , staring into the mirror . He was trying to crawl through the mirror to " get out . " My heart sank . Just when I was beginning to relax too . Just when I was beginning to enjoy life , just a little . Just when I felt a little happiness as well . Throw in a little hope while you 're at it . My 3 week stay has ended . It was nice while it lasted . Now , it 's time to get to the business of Alzheimer 's . I feel like a fool , having a little ray of sunshine for the last few weeks . Who was I kidding ? I watch House Hunters on HGTV a lot . I love to guess which house they will choose . Mostly , I am always interested in how much money they have set aside for a house . Most times , they always go over budget , but , as they explain , the house was so worth it . Before we moved to Colorado , I too set a budget on housing . The original apartment was right at my budget , in fact , a little under . Well , we all know how that turned out . When we drove up into this apartment complex , I thought , " Oh dear , this will certainly blow my budget . " While it is more expensive to live here , it 's so worth it . And yes , I did go over budget . By $ 50 . But , looking around yesterday , at my apartment , the spaciousness of the apartment , the fireplace , the view , ( oh , that view ) the grounds and the general feeling of actually living here , I thought to myself , yes , it was worth it . I 've had time to do my budget over , and found I can still afford to live here . I surprised myself that I didn 't have to go so cheap . Sometimes , cheap isn 't always better . My drunk neighbors ( as I 've called them ) are actually very nice people . They just love the spirits more than the average person . The husband works nights and sleeps all day . The wife putters around her patio , tending to her flowers . I was taking boxes to the recycle bin yesterday afternoon with my dog in tow . Sam ( the wife ) was tending to her beautiful flowers and asked if I needed any help . I said no , but , thanked her . she said , " Well , anytime you need help , I 'm right across the hallway . " I think she realized she had overstepped her boundaries . But , she is nice . Later , while taking the dog out for a walk , I met my upstairs neighbor . She is very sweet . She had her brand new puppy outside and she introduced herself . She works nights . Her husband is deployed overseas . She said he comes home finally in November . Said it has been a long 15 months . There are a lot of military living here . We are about 1 / 4 of a mile from Ft Carson and just down the street from Gate 3 to the base . Most mornings , you will see men in uniform leaving for the base . Husband has been good . For the most part . He is in a constant state of confusion , but , happy in his own world . Wherever he has gone to in his mind , at least he is happy . His eyesight continues to decline . It 's been more present than in the past . He will ask me where the dog is , when in fact , the dog is right on my lap . He will come outside and ask me if he is outside . He will sit in the living room and ask me if he is in the living room . When he gets to the bathroom , he will ask me if he 's in the right room to use the toilet . But , he 's happy . Me ? I 'm doing OK . Worn out from the move , but , OK . For once , I didn 't wake up at the crack of dawn . I slept until 7 AM . Manitou Springs is a magical place . Just 20 minutes outside the Springs . As tired as we all were , it was so worth it . We talked so much , sitting around the table . Manitou is one of the places that he original hippies came to in the 60 's . And , they are still there . Wonderful , friendly and oh so interesting . Walking , people look at you , smile , comment about the weather , what color shirt you are wearing , just about anything to strike up a conversation . Luckily , the lady neighbor was asleep by the time we got back here . She lives across the outside hall from us . She did however , knock on our door yesterday , asking me if I wanted her to take the empty boxes I had set outside to the recycle bin . I thanked her and she took them . I 'll be friendly , but , that 's about it . I hear from maintenance that she really is a lovely woman , just loves her beer . Just a tad bit more than others . This apartment is very spacious . The other apartment in ABQ was so small , I didn 't realize just how small it was until we moved here . I have cupboards and drawers galore . Space , space and more space . The weather here in Colorado is so different from Albuquerque . While it 's still hot , the air is refreshing . By 6 or 7 PM , it has cooled off and mornings are downright chilly . Yesterday , I noticed the tops of the trees are beginning to turn a little yellow . Husband has been adjusting well . Is sleeping good at night , but , gets confused as to where the bedroom or bathroom is . His TV is set up along with his hospital bed , but , he prefers to sit out in the living room and look out the windows or just want to talk , As I was sitting outside last night , I thought , " OK , you did what was asked of you . You brought your husband here to die . Are you ready for it ? " If I ever , I mean , ever decide to move again , someone , anyone , please reach through cyber space and slap the snot out of me . But , it 's done . The kitchen is mostly unpacked . The living room is in reasonable shape . The bedroom , ditto . Dining room , still have to put up the table and chairs . Bathroom is in an ok state . Got the patio all set up . It 's beginning to look like a very nice apartment . I like it here . But , there 's always something funny that happens to me . Always . We met our neighbors early Saturday morning . I had to be here for the cable guy between 8 AM and 10 AM . I couldn 't get the keys until 9 AM , so , for once , I was hoping the cable guy would come a little late . They seemed nice , but , I noticed the lady had the gift of gab . She offered to use her pool key so husband could sit down on a lounge chair , which I gladly took her up on . Then , I noticed that the husband was drinking something out of a can . Yes , it was beer , at 8 AM . Oh well , I thought to myself , to each his own . She then proceeds to tell me that she gave up driving for drinking . I couldn 't believe she was telling me , a perfect stranger , her life story . I kept telling myself that maybe she was lonely , needing someone to talk to . As the unloading began , and the cable guy was here , this lady kept wandering into my apartment , talking and talking , making comments about how nice a TV I had , looking in boxes and talking some more . I was trying my best to ignore her , asking her if she could please get out of the way , as we were busy . She would leave , and re - appear throughout . I was settling my patio furniture on the patio and suddenly , there she was , again . Now , our patio is private , so she had to walk through the apartment to get on to the patio . Everyone was at the truck , except for husband and myself . She came through the patio door and said , " I thought I saw wicker furniture . My , that 's nice . " I very politely , but , sternly told her to please leave . When we were done and Justin had set all the TV 's , sound system and DVD player up , he and Anne wanted to take us to Manitou Springs for dinner . As we were leaving , Tish was guiding husband in his wheelchair , coaxing him to sit down . Out of nowhere , here comes this lady , by then , with a few under her belt . She decides she 's going to guide husband in his chair . As she is doing so , she says , " Now , I 'm going to hug you , I don 't care what your wife thinks , I can hug you all I want . Oh my , your skin is so nice and soft . " Before Tish or I had time to react , husband pushed her off of him and snarled at her , " Get your damn hands off of me , lady . " She says , " Wow , I was only trying to help , but it looks like you are a very independent man . " She then came up to me and I told her we do not need her help , thank you , but , no thank you . Once we got in the van an as we were driving out , I looked at Tish and said , " Why , oh why , do drunks always come to me ? " And then , we began to laugh . Hard , deep , totally exhausted laughs . Reality Checkbut , Only two more days until we move into our new apartment . While I am excited , I 'm also not looking forward to the work involved . Oh well , I signed a 13 month lease , so , looks like I " ll be there for awhile . Will unpack everything this time . Husband has been doing fine . He has slept good through the night and takes naps during the day . I know he misses his TV , even though he doesn 't understand much of what he 's watching anymore . I miss my cable ! Tish and Jace do not have cable . And , they have no plans to get cable . We joke back and forth about it . Am looking forward to Saturday and cable TV . Living here on base is so interesting . Every morning , you hear bugle sounds . If there is a thunder storm upon us , warning sirens will go off and an announcer will tell you about the dangerous lightening . At 10 PM , Taps will play . I hear it as I am going to sleep . Such a haunting sound . I am adjusting . I can 't say I love it here , nor can I say I don 't like it here . Once we get in our own place , ask me then . Can the days go by any slower ? I am so anxious to get into our new apartment . I want my routine back . My furniture . Our beds . Our everything . Staying here with Tish & Jace is great . I just miss having my routine and the quiet of it all . It 's time to get back our life , and what I 'm dealing with . Husband is holding steady . There have been many hallucinations . It 's something I deal with . I don 't like them , and always get a little uneasy with them , but , as usual , I deal with them . He woke up in the middle of the night last night . He didn 't know where he was at . I got him settled back down and he did something that touched my heart . As I was fixing the blanket , he reached out and touched my knee . I looked at him . He had the saddest look in his eyes . I asked him if he was OK . His response ? " I 'm so sorry " , he said . Man , did ya have to say that ? I said nothing . Got husband settled back down , he fell asleep almost immediately . I sat here in the dark and began to think of when he 's gone . Those middle of the nights thoughts are not good for me . I imagine people sleeping soundly , tucked in their beds . It 's dark and quiet . Not good for my health . I bought a Bistro Dining Set last week for our new dining room . It has two chairs . The chairs are high , easier for husband to sit on . It 's really pretty . As I sat here early this morning , I imagined me sitting at this dining room set . In my mind , I could not picture husband sitting across from me . I have been emotional lately . I called my Mom yesterday . I got so emotional over that . I suppose it 's the finality of it all . Bringing husband here so he can die . Kinda hits me in the gut now and then . Sitting outside yesterday afternoon , a Monarch butterfly kept flying over my head . I would look up , and it looked like this butterfly was dancing in the air over me . It would dart out , only to come back and hover above me . It was comforting in a way . Scary , but , comforting . I hope to be posting more positive posts once we get settled . It 's just right now , the reality of it all has finally sunk in and I am having a hard time with it . Lately , there is a lump in my throat that won 't go away . I am trying hard to shake it . So , 4 more days to go and I can get settled . I hope this dark cloud lifts soon . I don 't like being this way . I need to stay positive for husband . For me . Please join me as I care for my husband who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness called Early Onset Familial Alzheimer 's Disease . A very rare form of Alzheimer 's , inherited on his Mothers ' side of the family . All other family members died by age 47 . My husband is 46 . Join me won 't you , as I travel this road that will leave me a Widow . Laugh with me , cry with me .
|
We woke Christina up just as the sun was coming up . She did not want to wake up . We got her ready , packed her bags and went down to breakfast . Sonia was nowhere to be found , but we figured she would show up when it was time for Christina to leave . I think this was the sweetest , most fun Christina had been for us yet . She chatted and smiled through breakfast . We played on the patio for a while ; she decided I made a terrific jungle gym and climbed all over me , laughing and talking . We headed back to our room to finish packing and she helped us put things in our bags and tidy up the room . Suddenly there was a knock on our door and Sonia 's husband told us he was ready to take us to the airport . ( No time to take a shower , I guess not taking one last night was a huge mistake , now I had to travel all sticky and gross ! ) I asked who was going to take Christina and he replied that a driver was waiting to take her back to the orphanage . We picked up our bags , and Christina , thinking she was going with us on another fun excursion grabbed her things and happily carried them down the stairs to the carport . She was chatting and giggling as we loaded her bag into one car and our bags into another . We hugged and kissed her goodbye and Sophie and Weston began to cry . She was not sure why we were so upset until she suddenly realized she was not going with us . The driver buckled her into the backseat of his car and the look on her face broke my heart . Once again she had that sad , withdrawn look that she greeted us with only two short days earlier . A vacant stare . She wouldn 't even look at me or say goodbye . We got in our car , Sophie was sobbing , but trying to keep herself composed . And we drove away . Knowing that Christina was the back seat of the car completely alone , with no one she trusted to explain to her what just happened was almost unbearable . I forced myself to look out the window and not think about it . Sophie continued to cry for most of the drive , which should have been 30 minutes but ended up taking us almost two hours . I am overwhelmingly sad at the way our goodbye transpired . I had no idea a driver was going to load her up in the back seat of a car and transport her the hour or more drive back to the orphanage . What was going on in her head that entire time ? Did anyone tell her where she was going ? Did she cry ? Did the driver console her ? Or was he wearing his earbuds like he did when he picked us up from the airport on our first day , and keep to himself ? Did she withdraw back into herself like I watched her do every time she was in a new situation ? And once she got back to the orphanage , was she glad to be back ? What did she tell her friends about her time with us ? Did the nannies help her process her experience ? How long did it take her to get back into the swing of orphanage routine ? And has she forgotten us ? Or worse , decided she doesn 't like us because we left her ? The culture is so very different , I can 't imagine that our visit was explained in a way that would make sense to me , as a mom and American . But more than anything , if I am honest , I am angry . I am angry at the Haitian government for having slow , antiquated processes . I am angry at the people who took kids illeagally after the 2010 earthquake , making the process slow even further . I know that was not their intention , but the fallout of that was a further distrust of the Haitian people towards Americans and adoption . Our paperwork has been in the Haitian government system since November , 2011 . We have not yet gotten one of the many signatures required to move forward , and according to Sonia , she has no idea when we will . Presently our paperwork is sitting on the President 's desk awaiting dispensation , and it could sit there for months . He has no incentive to sign our paperwork , except when an American celebrity , like Oprah , visits . Then he signs a few as a gesture of " goodwill . " And if I am truly honest with myself , I am angry at God . Because ultimately He could perform a miracle and cause our paperwork to go though faster . He could do something . You can 't tell me that Christina 's life is not being damaged in some way by living in the orphanage . Her little personality is not meant to be there . She is meant to be with us , a calm , laid - back family who gets that sometimes you need quiet . We already have one kid who didn 't do crowds and noise well when he was little . We know how to deal with that . I can 't even really think about it or I get so mad / hurt that I want to scream . How can where she is be best ? Why won 't God do something ? And yet , I have a choice . I can choose to turn from Him , to tell Him he is not being fair . Or I can choose to really trust that He does have her best interest , and ours , in mind . That He is holding all of us in the palm of His hand and loves us immeasurably and is guiding our steps . I don 't feel like that , but I have to choose that path . He is the one who turned our hearts to adoption . It was His voice that told both Weston and me this was the path to choose . And He has it under control . He wouldn 't have placed us here without a plan . It is simply a plan that at this moment I do not see or understand . And I know that through it I will grow , Weston will grow , Christina and all our kids will grow . Our choice is to grow closer to Him through it . Ultimately , isn 't that what He wants for us ? Isn 't that His best plan ? Today , with tears stinging my eyes , that is what I must cling to in the midst of my anger and hurt . I will continue to pray with all my heart that He move the government to quick action . That Christina comes home in record time . I will pray for a miracle . But a miracle has already happened . She is my child . A little girl , born a world away , years after I decided I was done having kids , has become mine because of Him . So I know He can perform miracles and if He chooses , will perform another . But regardless , I will continue to choose Him , and trust Him , because it is not about what He can do for me now , but what He has already done for me on the cross . Today I woke up and had a small heart attack because Christina was not in her bed . I jumped out of bed in a panic and Sophie , who was still in bed , shushed me to be quiet , Christina was asleep next to her . Sophie told me she was awakened to Christina pulling on Sophie 's toes , trying to wake her up . When Sophie opened her eyes , Christina climbed into her bed and fell right back to sleep . So sweet ! She had stirred a couple of times through the night , but never actually woken up , and I am pretty sure she did not wet her pull up either . We got dressed for breakfast and went downstairs to another feast . Once again Christina loved the yogurt and wanted me to feed it to her . She smacked her lips with delight after each bite . After breakfast we packed our bathing suits and towels because we had arranged for a driver to take us to a hotel with a pool for the afternoon . He arrived promptly at 10am and Christina willingly piled into the car with us and was so excited to be on an excursion ! Huge change from yesterday when she shut down when we got in the car for lunch . Today she pointed at things , cried out " chen " when she saw dogs walking on the side of the road . She was very interested in everything we passed . We arrived at a hotel with a nice pool , outdoor bar and patio area . It was not at all crowded and it looked as though we were not the only Americans . Our driver arranged for us to stay at the hotel for a couple of hours . We changed into our bathing suits , which Christina was pretty happy about but when we went to the pool area she got very shy and quiet . She really does not like to be in new situations . Can 't really blame her . She sat on my lap with her head on my shoulder and was silent . Weston and Sophie got in the water and I walked over to the steps , but she wanted none of it . Eventually she let Weston hold her and her took her into the water about waist deep . She was not so sure about that and wanted to get out . So he gave her back to me , I dried off her legs and we sat quietly for a few minutes under the umbrelAt one point she was happily running around the patio area and ran straight towards the water . Right past Weston , who wasn 't paying attention . I screamed for him to grab her and at the last second he got ahold of her arm , before she splashed into the water . It dawned on us that we haven 't had to worry about one of our kids falling into a pool for YEARS . Our kids are now old enough that we have been able to let our parent guard down . Our parent radar is rusty ! So we have to figure out how to get back to being aware of where she is at all times . Especially because I have a feeling she is going to be into everything . She is very active and loves to climb and jump . We are going to have to kid - proof our house and retrain ourselves to keep an eye on a little one 24 / 7 . We played in the pool , ate lunch ( rice , again . By this time Sophie is getting tired of rice ! ) . And soon our driver returned to pick us up . We asked him to take us to a market before we went back to the guest house so he dropped us off on the side of the road near the airport where Haitians were selling paintings and other trinkets . Now this was an experience . We , obviously tourists , with a little black girl , walking through the trash and dust to look at paintings . Three men immediately accosted us and told us to look at their things . " You like ? You like ? " They kept repeating . We picked out a couple of paintings , two wooden bowls and a small Haitian flag that Sophie really loved . They gave one to Christina as well . We haggled over price , came to an agreement , paid and walked away with them still trying to sell us more . Meanwhile , Christina was visibly unhappy about being on the side of the road where it was loud and crowded . She buried her head into my shoulder and held onto me for dear life . All I wanted to do was get her back in the car where she felt safe . Sophie was a bit overwhelmed too , once the vendors realized Sophie was a little girl they tried to push necklaces and bracelets on her . I was not worried about our safety , but the girls were a little stressed , so I was glad to wrap things up and get back to the car . The men followed us to the car and still tried to sell us things from the window as we drove away . Now that was a true Haitian experience . Traffic on the way home was terrible , bumper to bumper craziness . People were driving on the sidewalks on the wrong side of the road to try to get ahead . It was insane ! Our driver was great at maneuvering through the traffic without being ( too ) crazy . Sophie occupied Christina by having her repeat English words . It delighted both of them . Finally Christina fell asleep , which was good , she was tired and needed a nap . We finally made it back , and relaxed in our room for a while . Christina and I read a book , sang songs and played . She livens right up when she feels comfortable . She and Sophie played with their flags and played repeat the English word again . We ate an early dinner - - none of us were the least bit hungry - - of rice ( Sophie was almost in tears over having to eat rice again ) , some sort of fish or scallops so neither Sophie or I ate it to be safe , avocado and potatoes and fried plantains . I don 't think I will ever get tired of plantains , they are so good ! Weston sat next to Christina to help her and she was a nut all through dinner , chatting and wiggling and smiling . She would point to which ever bite she wanted to be fed next . She does not like red onion . There were slices of red onion in the avocado and potato salad and she chewed on a piece of onion for a while , but could not swallow it . Finally she spit it onto her plate . She then took her fork and pushed all the red onion into a pile , picked it up and put it all on Weston 's plate . We wanted to take one last walk throught the neighborhood , but the front gate was locked . Christina watched us try the door , then she went up and tried it herself . I was looking around the house for someone to open unlock the gate ; Christina was talking a mile a minute , saying who knows what . When I found Sonia and asked her to open the gate , she heard Christina jabbering away and said " Christina is telling you to go get the key . ' Le kle , le kle ' , she is saying to you . She wants you to find the key " . One smart little girl . We passed by a house with two mean sounding dogs who barked and growled at us . I was very glad they were behind two fences . Christina was not phased by their barking but kept calling out " chen , chen " . We passed by other people walking the streets and said " Bon Soir " which some replied to with a smile and others totally ignored us . After a short walk we went back to our room , once again we had A / C ! Sophie and I bathed Christina , this time it was like wrestling a watermelon . She was full of vinegar , squirming , laughing and not being cooperative at all . It was a great big game . At one point she tried to climb the tub wall and I had to hold her down to finish her bath . To her defense , the water was really cold and she did not want to sit still and have the water splashed all over her . She did everything she could to get us to stop splashing the washcloth on her . I had not touched her hair at all while we had her , the nannies had fixed it into pretty corn rows for us and I was afraid to mess it up . But by now her head Hamming it up for the camera Today was our best day with Christina , by far . I feel like we got a chance to really see what a fun , goofy , smart , happy little girl she is . The pictures I got of her tonight as she was coloring capture her personality so well . It is going to be hard , hard , hard to leave her tomorrow . And we can 't explain that we are coming back . In fact , I have no idea if she even understands who we are or why she is staying with us . My prayer is that she sees it as one fun field trip and falls right back into her routine with no problem . I woke up a few times in the night . The electricity was off again ( no A / C ) so we had to turn the fan on , which meant my sheet kept fluttering over my legs , waking me up . But it gave me a chance to check on Christina . She is a pretty restless sleeper , tossing and turning and hitting the wall with her legs , but she never woke up until morning , when she woke up quietly , bright and early . I was already awake ( well , sort of ) so I motioned for her to crawl into bed next to me . She snuggled up next to me under the sheet and fell right back to sleep for another half hour . When she woke up for the second time we got her dressed , ( she had wet the pull up , so it is a good thing we brought them ) and went down to breakfast . Breakfast was chocolate filled croissants , lunch meat turkey rolled up ( very weird ) , slices of cheese ( White American , I think , which I did not eat , because that is just nasty on too many levels ) yogurt , and raisin bread with butter . There was also thick strong coffee and freshly squeezed orange juice . Sophie ate two croissants and Christina loved the yogurt . Weston fed it to her and she kept smacking her lips and grunting for more . I am not sure she had ever tasted it before . She also loved the cheese and ate two slices ( I know , gross , but someone had to eat it and she actually liked it ) . We only gave her a small sip of juice but she would have had more if we had let her . In the middle of breakfast she got a strange look of her face , said " poopy " , so off we went to the bathroom . I am so very glad she is potty trained . ( And this is probably WAY more information than anyone really wants , but it doesn 't look like she has worms . Everything looked very normal . ) After she was finished I guess she had more room in her belly , because she came back to the table and cleaned her plate . After breakfast I took a very cold shower - - and I mean COLD ! Take my breath away cold ! And since the water pressure was a trickle , it took a very long time to get clean so thank goodness I had thought to bring a stack of washcloths fWe turned into a historical museum - like place for lunch , directly across from the American Embassy . Obviously this was a popular place for wealthy visitors and those working at the Embassy . We figured the food had to be safe . The dining area was outdoors under big tents , and open air buildings amidst old kettles and tools used when Haitian slaves made cane juice out of sugar cane . We sat down and Sonia ordered us each a cane sugar drink . Christina was reserved and quiet , which she tends to become when in a new environment . The buffet was not quite open , so we sat and chatted about the orphanage . Sonia has kids being adopted into many countries . Christina 's best buddy , Christana , is joining a family in Germany , which makes me sad because they will never see each other again . The cane sugar drinks were sweet and thick , and very different from anything I have ever had before . Christina loved it ( I had to take it away from her to keep her from drinking all of it , and she did a great job of not fussing ) and Sophie didn 't so we ordered Sophie a Coke instead . When the buffet opened Weston held Christina and I filled her plate . The food was amazing - - tabbouleh , poulet et pois , fried plantains and some sort of root veggie , rice , and spicy pork with picklese . Again Christina ate and ate and ate - - she can pack away the food . Sophie tried almost everything but her favorite was the rice . Haitians really can cook rice , it is so good . Christina 's table manners are decent , she can use utensils , tries to keep the food on her plate and manages to stay fairly clean . There were chickens , guinea hens and doves wandering around the grounds and Christina was enthralled . She had warmed up a bit by now and was taking everything in . She squealed whenever one came by our table . Dessert was honeyed creeps and rum raisin cake . They were both a bit sweet for me . We finished our meal and then walked around the grounds where there were cages full of peacocks , pea hens and others birds . The peacock gave us a show which was fun to watch . We also saw huge mango and banana trees . We walked next door to a huge two story warehouse full of furniture . Called " Voila " , it is basically a giant furniture store , like you would find in the US . The prices were listed in US dollars and were a bit cheaper than the comparable furniture we would find in the US . There was a small Radio Shack store was inside as well . The warehouse was mildly air conditioned ( I don 't think the electricity was on here either - - the escalators and many of the overhead lights were off ) and we walked around for a few minutes while Sonia went to get the car , because by this time Christina was getting sleepy and needed to be carried . Sonia asked if we wanted a tour of a few Haitian sites before we headed back home . We piled into the car , Christina snuggled on my lap , eyes getting droopy . We drove back the way we came and not too far after we passed the Embassy and UN complex Sonia turned down a bumpy , poorly maintained dirt road . We drove past banana trees for a mile or so until we came to a piece of land with a high metal fence and bright blue gate . Sonia said this was land she owned and dreamed of building an orphanage here . We found out that the house the orphanage is in currently is just rented . Sonia says the gate and wall cost $ 40 , 000 to build , but it withstood the earthquake well . The area is safer than where the current orphanage is because it is so close to the UN and embassy , and closer to her home . Somedays it takes her 2 hours to get to the orphanage from her home , if traffic is bad . She estimates to build the buildings and furnish it will cost $ 500 , 000 which she does not have , but she says she " has to have a dream , right ? " What amazes me is that really is not that much money , if you think about it . The price of a really nice house in the US and you can provide orphans a safe , nice facility . And I truly believe the orphanage is crucial in helping the kids transition better to their new families . When the kids feel safe and warm and well cared for , it makes a huge difference . We then drove through a private cemetery , which was beautiful ; Sonia told us you can rent a plot for 99 years . Never did figure out what happens after the 99 years are up . What do they do , throw your bones and dust into the street ! ? ! We then drove through a newer neighborhood with very nice houses that Sonia had never been in before . Finally we returned to her home . Chrisitna woke up when we tried to get her out of the car so we headed to our room to play . We had A / C for a change , so we sat in the room to soak up the cool air . It doesn 't last long , the electricity is out more than it is on . When we have Christina alone in a place she feels comfortable , she is a hoot ! She chats up a storm ; I so wish I could understand what she is saying ! It doesn 't seem to bother her that we can 't understand her , she just keeps talking . She sings to herself as well . She loves to copy whatever Sophie does and loves to tell Sophie she has to go peepee so that Sophie will take her to the bathroom . They played ball for a while , rolled around on the bed and Christina climbed all over Sophie . Then we got out the iPad and played a matching game . She was touching the screen a bit hard for my liking so made her hold my hand and use my finger to touch the matching cards . After 2 - 3 games she had it all figured out and knew exactly how to play the game . She is super smart . She got so tickled every time she won the game and would throw herself onto the bed with a squeal . She could have played the game for hours . I taught her patty - cake , which made her laugh and jump around with delight . She then had to play it with Weston and Sophie over and over and over . Nothing like repetition to make a toddler happy . We got her to stand still long enough to measure her , she is 39 1 / 2 inches tall , which according to the growth chart puts her at the 25th percentile for her age . And although we couldn 't weigh her , I don 't think she is more than 30 - 35 lbs . She has a big ol ' belly but the rest of her is skinny . We were called down to dinner , which was rice ( again ) , some sort of shrimp dish that Sophie and I did not get to eat since we are allergic - - I can not imagine having to be rushed to a Haitian hospital with an allergic reaction , that would be AWFUL , but Weston said it was great - - fried plantains , and avocado and green bean salad . And they served Weston a Haitian beer , which tasted SO good . Christina once again ate well and was quite silly at the table . She laughed and made faces and wiggled . She is a bundle of energy when she feels comfortable and safe . After dinner we tried to get her to settle down a bit so we read a book for a while and then put on a kid 's movie , which she became enthralled with even though she couldn 't understand it . We bathed her , got her ready for bed and she snuggled into our sheets and tried her best to keep her eyes open so she could finish watching the movie . Finally I had to turn it off so she would fall asleep . After she was snuggled into her little bed , stuffie in hand , Weston washed Sophie 's hair ( which she said felt great , even with the cold water ) I snuggled Sophie for a while and we called it a night . It was a great day . Each day we get to know the real Christina a little more . She was meant to be in our family and we love her so much . We took tons of video ( instead of photos ) , which I am trying to figure out how to upload . Once I figure it out I will add video to this blog ! Posted by We did not have internet at our guest house so I was unable to post anything on Facebook or my blog while in Haiti . Since we returned to Florida to visit family and friends it has been a whirlwind of activities - - dinners , coffees , two book signings for my book , Running By THE BOOK . So excuse the lateness of these posts , but better late than never , right ? I am sitting in the guest house relaxing and watching our two girls color pictures together . Today has been a long but good day . . . We were awoken this morning by the phone ringing in our Miami hotel room . A wake up call that we never asked for . Fortunately the wake up call was only 5 minutes earlier than we had our own alarms set for ; Unfortunately , the person who requested that wake up call for another room probably overslept . ( Either that or the person who requested it has a sick sense of humor : " isn 't it fun to wake up random people we don 't know ! " ) After our last warm shower for a few days , we arrived at the Miami Airport . The ticket counter was a bit chaotic - - it was very apparent we were flying on a foreign airline - - but security was no big deal . I think Americans are the only people who understand what the term " waiting in line " means . We got a cup of coffee ( thank goodness , I was getting cranky ! You know you are desperate when you are willing to drink hotel coffee , but when I had added the creamer , it curdled in the cup , so I hadn 't even gotten to drink it ! ) and headed to the gate . The waiting area was pretty full already , and we were the only white people . We got a few strange stares as we sat on the floor next to our suitcases , but no one bothered to move over and offer us a seat . Our flight boarded without incident . It is amazing how as Americans we know the whole airplane drill : put your bags under the seat in front of you , fasten your seatbelt , keep the tray tables and seat backs up . No one else on the plane paid any attention to the rules and the flight attendants had to repeatedly ask people to put on their seatbelts , stow their bags and put the tray tables back . No one spoke English , a requirement to sit in the exit rows , so everyone in the exit rows had to be reseated . We were flying Insel Air , out of Curacao . I think this may have been one of their original planes . The overhead compartments were so small my bag wouldn 't fit ( and it wasn 't a very big bag ) so I had to check it at the door . The tray tables were broken , the seat back pockets falling apart . There was old , used chewing gum in the bottom of Weston 's back pocket . Not the cleanest plane we have ever been on . I prayed the engine was not as old and beat up as the rest of the plane ! Sophie fell asleep and I read . I think we flew over Cuba on our way to Haiti ( non American flights are allowed in their airspace ) . The flight attendants were very nice . Less than 2 hours later we landed on the one landing strip in Port Au Prince , Haiti . The good news about being crammed against the bus door was we were some of the first off the bus . We were second in line for customs , only to be told since we didn 't have the address where we were staying in Haiti we would have to get out of line and speak to a customs agent . A very nice security office with a cell phone called Sonia ( our Orphanage director - thank goodness we had her number ! ) and was able to the address for us . By the time we finished that we were the very last people in line . But honestly it wasn 't a big deal or a long wait . We located my bag , fought off the men asking to carry our luggage for us ( no , Meci , NO MECI , N . O . M . E . C . I ) and walked the 1 / 4 or so mile to the parking lot where we hoped someone was waiting to pick us up . Being the only white people ( seriously , we were the only ones on our flight ) we were easy to spot and our driver grabbed our bags and took us to the car . A huge difference from last time when we waited in the heat for close to two hours , accosted by men every two seconds offering to take us to who knows where . We were not sure where the driver was supposed to take us , the guest house or the orphanage , but he seemed to know what to do . Like I said before , the one thing we have learned from our previous trip is to have no expectations . Just go with the flow . I actually was able to figure out some of the landmarks from our last trip and could tell we were probably headed to the orphanage . Sophie was taking in all of the sights - the crowded streets , venders selling their wares on the roadside . The street scenes looked the same as when we were here before . Sophie was very upset when a little boy about her age in dirty clothes and covered in dust , came up to our car as we were stopped in traffic . He tried to get money from our driver and then knocked on the window where she was sitting . She was so sad to see a kid her own age begging . She talked about him for the rest for the car ride . When we opened the gate to the orphanage we were greeted by the sounds of children singing and playing . All of the older children had their school uniforms on ( green polo shirts and blue jeans ) except Christina , who was wearing a fancy red satin dress and brand new sandals with tags still attached . ( I later found out she had picked her outfit out herself in honor of our visit . ) All of the kids gathered around us - - some faces we knew from last time , but many faces were new . The little girl who had burst into tears every time she saw us last visit actually smiled at us today . And the little boy who had thrown himself at Weston during our last visit once again seemed thrilled to see him . A nanny led Christina by the arm over to me and I knelt down in front of her . She had her typical sad face , the one we see in the pictures sent to us by the orphanage . After a few seconds she leaned on me , then she grabbed my hand . She warmed up to me within a few minutes and wanted me to pick her up . But she did not smile . I sat her on my lap and Sophie sat next to us . Christina was interested in Sophie 's hair and face , she touched her hair , her cheeks and even her teeth . Then she grabbed Sophie 's hand too , still staring blankly into space . Not too sure about us . We sat together while Weston fended off the little boys who were vying for his lap . After a few minutes she grabbed Weston 's hand too . The kids thought Sophie was a boy - - her short hair was throwing everyone off . Even the nannies thought she was a " garcon " . I am not sure we convinced them that she wasn 't . I am sure a little white girl is strange enough to see , much less one with really short hair . The nannies had prepared lunch for us in another room ; so we played with the kids for a few more minutes and then went into the other room to eat . The nannies were playing music for the kids - - music from Flashdance and Boy George filled the room . Christina had a place at the table as well , so she sat between Sophie and me . We had chicken , zucchini and tomato salad , cold buttered potatoes and ( very , very strong ) coffee . I cut up the food on Christina 's plate and she dug in . After a few minutes she climbed onto my lap and handed me her spoon so I could feed her . I gave her a bite of tomato and by the look on her face ( crinkled up nose and typical " yuck " face kids give ) she did not like it , but she swallowed it anyway . It was too funny ! But she loved the chicken and potatoes . Sophie loved the chicken as well . Suddenly Christina got a funny look on her face , said " peepee " and ran upstairs . A nanny followed her up the stairs to help . She came back down and her hands were wet , so I really hoped she had washed them with soap . She climbed back into my lap and decided she needed to feed me . So for every bite I fed to her , she gave me a bite off of my plate . Both girls ate very well . We went back to the courtyard area of the orphanage while the other kids ate their own lunch . Christana , who seemed to be Christina 's best buddy , wanted snuggles and crawled into Sophie 's lap , with Christina 's permission . Christana snuggled Sophie and slowly her eyes dropped and she fell fast asleep . Sophie was so sweet to her and was thrilled that she had been able to put her to sleep . One little guy , about 2 maybe , was a piece of work . All smiles , throwing a ball to us , running away from us and then back to us , sticking his tongue out at us . He was so full of energy and fun to watch . Whoever adopts him is going to have one high energy little boy . At one point Weston walked to the other side of the courtyard to talk to Sonia and Christina was extremely unhappy that he was not next to us . She pulled me over to him so we could sit together again . The little guy who had been showing off and running around somehow wormed his way onto Weston 's lap and when Sonia told us it was time to go to the guest house he got so upset when Weston put him down . Huge tears fell from his eyes . What a cutie . Christina seemed fine leaving with us , she climbed into the car and onto my lap without any hesitation . I have no idea what she had been told about our visit , but she seemed as though she wanted to leave with us . We stopped off at a local bazaar that Sonia thought we might like and Christina stayed in my arms the entire time we walked around . She seems to withdraw and become very shy when in unfamiliar surroundings . We bought some art , decorative boxes , handmade stationary and other Haitian things . Everything was beautiful . The prices were in Gordes , and we had no idea how to translate that to dollars - - turns out a dollar was about 38 Gordes . So we filled up a basket and paid only $ 49 . 00 for all of it . I want to go back there again ! We loaded back up in the car and headed on to the guest house , which we found out is actually Sonia 's personal residence . It is a fairly long drive from the orphanage , through parts of Port Au Prince we had never seen . Lots of hilly , curvy poorly maintained roads . We would drive past a tent city , and then go by a really nice looking neighborhood , all within the same block . It was an interesting drive and nice to see more of the city . Christina fell asleep on my lap for a good portion of the drive . I prayed she didn 't pee on me . We drove into a gated community and it was like we were back in south Florida . Big , pretty houses and landscaped yards . The only difference between this neighborhood and one in Miami are the gates and walls topped with barbed wire around each home . Crazy that only a mile away people are living in tents and tin houses surrounded by trash . Sonia said she has lived in this house since 1993 . It is a safe neighborhood and many doctors , attorneys and business people live there . The US embassy has two houses there as well , that they rented ( $ 7000 a month ! ) after the 2010 earthquake . The neighborhood It is a very nice home , with a terrific patio and backyard , a huge eat - in kitchen , a formal dining room and three living areas . Our room is upstairs and is clean and set up with three beds - - a double for Weston and me , twin for Sophie and toddler bed for Christina . The bathroom is in the hall and is typical Haiti . Sub - American standards , but luxury for Haiti . Of course there is no hot water and not much water pressure . The decor tickled me . Pictures are hung on the walls in the strangest places . One framed picture of flowers was located uncentered above the bathroom door . The guest house we stayed in last time was similar , perhaps it is a cultural thing to put pictures in random , weird places . Although our room has AC , it isn 't working because the electricity hasn 't been on since we 've been here . Haiti has rolling blackouts , apparently it is this area 's turn to not have power . The lights and appliances are run on a generator in the front yard , so we do have lights and a small fan . But it is HOT . We unpacked , changed Christina out of her hot dress and into a cute short set I bought her ( and thank goodness it fit ! She is a solid 4T , size 9 foot ) . That 's what I am watching right now , the two of them color together on the bed , Christina jabbering away in her cute Kreyol . I so wish I could understand her , she is certainly a chatterbox once she feels comfortable . Before I forget I want to write down the rest of our first day . So much has happened I am afraid I will forget it all if I don 't get it all down . Some of the things we did after we arrived at the guest house : Sat in the backyard and watched Christina ride a little riding car around . She was quiet and intense at first ( I think she really liked not having to share it - - there is a similar one at the orphanage and I have seen the kids fight over riding in it ) and after a while got all smiley and talkative . Sonia sat with us for a while and commented that Christina is content to play alone , can occupy herself well and doesn 't seem to like a lot of chaos and activity . In fact , the last time Sonia took the older kids out to dinner for a special occasion Christina did not like it and asked to go home - the noise and crowd was too much for her . I wonder if that is her personality or if she has bad memories of crowds and noise from somewhere in past . Regardless of the reason , we will need to be very careful about taking her into crowded places when we finally get her home . We ate a yummy dinner of fried plantains , beef meatballs , rice and peas , potato casserole , and broccoli carrots and cauliflower . Sophie loves the food and both girls ate very well . Christina loves fried plantains , I am going to have to figure out how to make them myself . We gave Christina a small ball to play with and she wouldn 't let it go for anything . She toted it around all evening , along with a balloon she brought from the orphanage and a little stuffed rabbit Sophie gave her . She carried these items around all afternoon and got very upset if one of them dropped out of her arms . At dinner they had to sit in front of her plate where she could see them . Sonia said her neighborhood was safe if we wanted to take a walk , so we took Sophie and Christina for a short walk after dinner . The houses are big and well cared for , brightly painted in oranges and greens and even purples . The flowers are all blooming the fragrances were incredible as we walked by . We taught Christina how to smell the flowers . There is new construction on a couple of lots . The construction is all concrete , even the roof . We saw a couple of houses with for rent signs so we asked Sonia when we returned what houses in her neighborhood rent for , she said anywhere from $ 2000 - 7000 . Taking a walk through the neighborhood . Sophie and I bathed Christina . Christina did a great job of standing still as we bathed her , even though the water was really cold . She willingly put on a pull up ( to Sophie 's delight , since I was going to make her put one on to show Christina how to wear one ) rubbed her skin with lotion , and put on her PJ 's . Then we piled into our bed and snuggled until she could no longer keep her little eyes open . She fell asleep clutching her balloon and ball . Clutching her ball and balloon . Sweet girl . Sophie was a great sport all day . She was so patient with Christina , so helpful and kind . She is a terrific big sister . She tried everything on her plate and didn 't even complain about the cold shower she took before bed . I am so proud of how well she handled things today - - it was a long , hot day with a lot of excitement and she did great . It will be interesting to see what tomorrow holds . Will she sleep through the night ? How will she react to us in the morning ? I am exhausted and ready for bed myself - - I will write more later . I am a daughter of Christ , a wife , a mother , a runner , a writer and the author of Running by THE BOOK . This blog documents my family 's journey through the adoption process as we bring home our Haitian daughter . To view my writing and running ministry , visit my website : http : / / runningbythebook . com /
|
Published on Amazon ? If you have a book , e - book , or audiobook available on Amazon . com , we 'll promote it on WritingForums . org for free . Simply add your book to our Member Publications section . Add your book here or read the full announcement . They were found dead in a sound proof room that nobody knew was even there , except for … me . I knew they were there , because I was the one who put them there in the first place . They were in " love , " but I was his wife and she … she was just a whore that he picked up at a bar . He was going to try and kill me , but I knew what was going on . I knew by the way he was acting towards me , and I knew why he went to the bar so often . He had found someone " better " than me . That doesn 't matter because I have something very special in store for him and his little girlfriend . So I made a plan , I 'd call my best friend Rhage , and have him help get both Aaron and Lucy in the sound proof room . Rhage is one of the body guard 's t the bar that Lucy worked at . One night I 'd go to the bar with Aaron , have a couple of drinks , then act like I don 't know anything and buy drinks for Aaron and Lucy until they are wasted . After they are they are totally wasted I 'd have Rhage help me carry them to the car and into the sound proof room . My plan had finally fallen into play on December 31 , 1991 . We were all celebrating the New Year at the bar . My plan had worked perfectly ; Aaron and I went to the bar where both Rhage and Lucy worked . I had a few drinks and was sitting at the bar talking with Lucy . The very first thing she said to me was that I was a lucky woman to have a man like that . I told her thanks and looked away , then looked back at her and she was staring Aaron down . I called Aaron over to Lucy and I . I told him that I thin that he and Lucy should go have a dance together . They both looked at me funny and at that point I really believed that they liked each other , as I watched them walk away , over to the dance floor , I thought to myself maybe I should just get a divorce from him . Then I thought no I 'd rather watch them wither away to nothing . They kept drinking , and drinking . They finally ended up passing out . By that time the bar was closed , so Rhage and I carried them to the car , put them into the back and drove to my house . As Rhage unloaded the two of them , I went and unlocked the sound proof room . The room was behind this really tall book case , but you 'd never know that it was there . Rhage carried them down into the sound proof room , chained them to the wall , and left them there . A few days had past and I finally decided to go down in the sound proof room and give them a little bit of food . When I opened the door , they both started screaming , calling for help . I started to laugh , then threw them some food , and told them to enjoy because it was the last meal they would ever eat . " Yes , and to the other three husbands that I 've killed over the years , right along with their girlfriends as well . Would you like to hear about them too … because I would be most pleased to tell you about the other six people ? " Lily Ann answered . " Yes , I have . I have no remorse what so ever for any of them either . They all deserved to die slowly and in pain . That 's what I gave them a slow painful death . " Lily Ann answered . " Well you should already know how I married four different men . Well I lived in my own apartment in Nashville , Tennessee ; but you should already know that too . My first husband is the one who made me the way I am today . His name was Patrick Green and he was the love of my life when I first met him . Then he turned out to be something else . A few months into our marriage he started abusing me and keeping me away from my friends and family . Then I find out that he was cheating on me too . I couldn 't deal with the abuse and being cheated on all at the same time , so I killed him and his whore girlfriend . The other three is about the same . " Lily Ann answered with a smile on her face . " Like I told you earlier Patrick Green was the first one that I ever killed . Well him and his little girlfriend Sadie Lynn Heart . I met Patrick at a party when I was twenty - two . We went out for a couple months , then I moved in with him , and then a few years later he asked me to marry him . Our marriage was wonderful for the first couple of years . Then after he abused me and I found out that he was cheating on me , I wanted a divorce . He wouldn 't get divorced from me ; he told me if I went to the police about him abusing me that he would kill me . So I did the only other thing I could do . I drugged him and then his little girlfriend walked in so I did the same to her . They 're buried in the ground , by my old house , together . " Lily Ann explained her first husbands ' death with a smile on her face the whole entire time . " Well my second husband 's name was Albert Warner . I was twenty - eight when I met him ; we went out a couple times . He thought it was true love and he wanted to marry me in Vegas , I told him no at first , then I thought about it and decided that since all of his friends said he was a good guy I 'd give him a chance . I finally told him that I would marry him as long as he was true to his word . He told me that he loved me and he would never hurt me . Of course I believe him . So we got married in Vegas . No my name was not Lily Ann it was Cassidy Michelle . A few years went by … okay not a few ; it was like five or six years . Anyways he started making excuses to stay out late or his business wanted him to go to a different state . Things like that made me start thinking that he was cheating on me , but not with just one person . He wanted to have a baby , but I couldn 't have children . So I think that may be the reason he might have cheated on me with multiple women . Then one night I decided I was going to follow , so I did . He went to a hotel , waited for a minute , then a tall blonde chick came walking somewhere out of the dark . They went into room number six . " Agent Manson stopped Lily Ann and asked her " was that back in 2006 , did you kill them at the hotel ? " " Yes it was back in 2006 and I did kill them in that hotel . And yes I know you were the one who was working that case , and you couldn 't find the killer . I guess I cover my tracks very well , until now . I want to know how you found the two love birds in the sound proof room . That is if you can tell me . " Lily Ann asked with a displeased look on her face . " You did cover your tracks well , you just forgot about the fact that you had neighbors who stayed up very late . They called 911 after they noticed who you were caring into the house . Now I want to know if you 're going to tell me who helped you carry your husband , Aaron , and his girlfriend , Lucy Love . Because we both know you couldn 't carry your husband down those stairs . So who was the other person ? " agent Manson answered Lily 's question with a huge smile on her face , then shot a question of her own back at Lily Ann . " Well great , now I know that my neighbors liked to watch me . Besides that fact , I can 't tell you who my long time friend is ; he only did it because I asked him too . " Lily Ann answered . " That 's okay , we 'll figure out who it is . Thanks for telling me that it 's a male . On that note would you like to finish or would you like to go back to your cell ? " Agent Manson asked with a smirk on her face . " No , I 'll finish telling you what happened . Unless you want me to just go on to my third husband , since you already know about how Albert and the tall blonde chick died … " Lily Ann asked smiling intensively . " Fine . My third husband swore up and down , before we got married , that he was going to treat me right and basically give me the world . So we got married , after we had been together for awhile and Scott wanted children . That we hadn 't discussed before we got married , but when it had finally came up I told him that I couldn 't have children . Then he started acting different , he 'd stay out at late hours and come home smelling like sex and another female . Then one night while Scott was in the shower his phone rang , so I answered it and there was another woman on the other end . I asked her who she was , and she wouldn 't say . So I told her that I didn 't care what was going on between my husband and her , so just to give me her name . She said Marcel and that she was sorry and hung up . Scott was still in the shower , so I got undressed and put my robe on and went into the bathroom , open the shower door , untied my robe and asked Scott if he had room in the shower for me . He told me that he was almost done and that he had to go to work late . I tied my robe back up and asked him if he could spare a few minutes after he got out of the shower , so we could talk . When Scott got out of the shower , I told him that he ha a phone call from a woman named Marcel . He got upset and started yelling out me . I looked at him and told him to stop fucking yelling at me and just leave . Then I said that it wasn 't my fault that I couldn 't have children , and then he left . The night was September 10th , and Scott didn 't know that I had put a GPS on his car . So I got dressed , got in my car and followed Scott to Marcel 's apartment . I waited till I couldn 't see him anymore , then I went into the apartment building and went to Marcel 's apartment door , turned the door knob , and walked in . There they were on the bed fucking . I had gotten so pissed off that I just lost it . I went over to the bed started yelling at Scott telling him that he was an ass hole , and that he was the third husband that had fucked around on me . Then I asked him if that sex was good . He told me that yes it was . So , then I told him good that it was his and his girlfriends last because they were going to die that night . Of course Marcel started crying and screaming and Scott got up out of the bed naked . Scott said to me how about we make this a three some . I told him no , because I didn 't know if Marcel had any kind of nasty disease . Scott told me that before he had ever done anything with her she was a virgin . So just for the hell of it , I told him yes that we could have a three some . Would you like me to give details ? " Lily Ann asked . " Okay then , your missing out . After we all had sex together , I waited till they passed out then I found some duck tape , taped them to the bed and gagged them . Then I slowly and painfully cut little parts of their bodies . While listening to them scream or at least trying to scream , I was yelling at Scott saying ' how could you do this to me , we took vows , till death do us part , well guess what your going to die and I 'll be free of what is left of my third husband and his girlfriend . ' Scott had a confused look on his face of course , because he didn 't know that I was married twice before . Then he remembered that I had said something about that . But he started screaming at me , telling me that he was sorry for cheating on me , and that we could just adopt a child . I told him that I didn 't even want a kid . His little girlfriend had bled to death by then . So I jumped in the shower and called my partner in crime and asked him to come to Marcel 's apartment and help me take care of their bodies . So he came to the apartment , helped me bury the bodies in the graveyard down the street . I put a big rock by where I buried them if you want to go and find their bodies . " Lily Ann said as agent Manson wrote down where Lily said the bodies were . " What kind of deal ? Killing eight people is not going to get any deal . Now I might be able to see what I can do , but I am not promising you anything . " Agent Manson said . " No , tell me what happened to your fourth husband and his girlfriend , and then I 'll see what I can do for you . How does that sound . " Agent Manson said . " That doesn 't sound like the plan that I want … I want you to go and see what you can do for me or I am not talking to you anymore . Then you will never know who my fourth husband is … my bad was . So if you want to know anything you better suck up to your judge friend and tell him to let me go off to jail only for a few years or it may get a little ugly in here , because this hand cuffs are not holding me back from coming over this table and choking you to death . What do you think about that ? " said Lily Ann . " You do know that you are being recorded on tape and video . What ever you say can be played back in court . " Agent Manson told Lily Ann surprised at what she had just said to her . " Yes I know that . And to tell you the truth I don 't care if I 'm threaten a cop or not I want a deal or I am not telling you a god damn thing . Got it ! So why don 't you be a good little cop and go do what I told you too . " said Lily Ann . Agent Manson wrote in her notebook that she thinks that the prisoner suffers from Bipolar or some kind of mental problem . " Why don 't I let you cool off for a minute or two , so you can get your head on straight . And I won 't think anything of what you just said to me , and while your cooling off I 'll go talk to someone for you to see what I can do for you … okay . " said Agent Manson . Lily Ann started to weep . She didn 't know why she was weeping but she did . I guess it was just a way for her to try and get out of the situation that she was in . Then Agent Manson said " What 's wrong Lily ? Are you okay ? ' " No , I 'm not . I just realized what I have done . I should have just divorced my first husband and none of this would have happened . I 'm so messed up Miss Manson . I remember everything , but in my mind it 's as if it wasn 't really me doing those horrible things to all of those people . You know both of my parents had some really messed problems . I guess I did what I did because I grew up with it in my whole entire life . What am I saying you probably don 't believe a damn thing that I am saying … Right ? Well if you don 't believe me go , looked it up in your records . It should be under Lee Rogers and Anna Rogers . They were killers from the 70 's ; they made me watch them kill all these people and then they finally killed each other . Leaving me an orphan … I never had therapy or anything like that . They figured that I would forget but I never forgot . I can still hear those people scream and my parents laughing as they killed them in cold blood . Before my parents stabbed themselves to death they tied me to a chair so I could watch them . I 've tried taking medicine to get rid of all the nightmares , but they stay with me day in and day out . So what are you waiting for go , go and see that I 'm not lying . I 'm pretty sure that in that file should be something saying that the last remaining family member of the Rogers is a girl by the name of Lily Ann . " said Lily Ann . Agent Manson told Lily Ann that she 'd be right back . She left for a second then came back and said " Here 's that file . You weren 't lying at all . I knew you weren 't because I looked up your parents file before I even came in here to see if they were still alive and if they would come in and talk some since into you , to get you to talk to me . Here read over their file and have a smoke and I 'll see what I can do for you , but I 'm still going to need you to tell me about your last husband . I 'll bring you a cup of coffee too , so you can walk up a little . " As Agent Manson left the room Lily Ann thanked her for believing what she had said . Agent Manson left the room ; Lily Ann lit up a cigarette , and read over her parents ' case . As she read on more she started to remember more and more . Lily Ann hadn 't really told the whole truth to Agent Manson . She bent the truth just a little bit . In all truth Lily was the one who had killed all of the people and her parents were the ones who went down as the people who she had killed . But Lily was the one who played the mind games perfectly with her parents . She told her parents to tie her up , then to stab themselves and if they didn 't Lily was going to cut the ties that had her bound to the chair and kill them herself . Then make it as they had attacked her , because everyone would believe a nine year old anyway . " My last husbands name was Peter Warner and his girlfriends name was Julie Price . That story is about the same as the rest … except for the fact that they 're not buried anywhere I burned them alive in a house way back in the woods where nobody could hear them screaming . It was somewhere in Alabama … I don 't remember exactly where but it should 've been in the news . There should have been a little bit of remains , so you can identify them . I 'm sorry but all of this talking is making me tired Miss Manson . " Lily Ann told Agent Manson as she started to pass out . Agent Manson called one of the police officers in and asked him to take Lily Ann to her cell . The police officer did as he was asked . While Lily Ann was sleeping Agent Manson asked all the available police officers to go check out all of the places where Lily had said all of her dead husbands and girlfriends were . Lily didn 't lie about where any of them were . It soon had become a long night for Agent Manson and all of the police officers that were helping her . Agent Manson was astonished at what she had seen . She went to every crime scene ; the most brutal one was where Lily Ann 's third husband and girlfriend were murdered . There was blood everywhere … little pieces of skin were cut off their bodies and thrown across the room . Agent Manson didn 't know what to think much less what to say . She called the judge , told the judge what she had seen at all of the crime scenes , and then told him that she thinks that Lily needs to go to a mental intuition . The judge told Agent Manson to have a doctor talk to Lily Ann and to do a lie detector test on her to see if she was lying . He said if she 's not lying then put her into an intuition and hopefully she gets better . Agent Manson asked " what if she does get better what am I suppose to do , let her go ? " The judge said " then you let her go , just keep a good eye on her . " Agent Manson wrapped up what she was doing at the crime scene , then decided to let Lily Ann sit in her cell and wonder what was going on . So Agent Manson went home and went to bed . Well she tried to go to sleep , but when she did sleep she had nightmares about what she had seen . She just couldn 't sleep . Agent Manson got up went into the bathroom , got into the medicine cabinet , got the sleeping pills and took some . She then went and lied down and eventually went to sleep . The next morning she got up , took a shower , got dressed , and went to the police station . When she got there , she got some coffee , and then decided to talk to Lily Ann again , but first she called a doctor to come and talk to her . When the doctor got there , Agent Manson went and got Lily Ann from her cell . The doctor and Lily Ann talked for hours . They talked about her childhood , about her life , and about the people she had killed . Finally when the doctor came out of the room he told Agent Manson that he believed what she was saying , but you can never be to sure . He recommended that Agent Manson give Lily Ann a lie detector test before having her admitted anywhere . Agent Manson told the doctor thanks . " So you don 't believe me , I thought you wouldn 't . Of course not why would you believe someone who has killed eight people . But since I know that it 's protocol , whatever you have to do . " Lily Ann said . Agent Manson then started the test ; she asked all of the questions that she could think of . The funny thing is though she actually passed the test . Agent Manson left the room , while she was out of the room Lily started to smile because she knew that she had passed the test just because of the look on Agent Manson face . When Agent Manson left the room she was amazed that Lily Ann had passed the test . She went to her desk , sat down ( still in shock ) , picked up the phone and called the doctor . The doctor answered the phone , and Agent Manson told him that it was her . The doctor asked her what was wrong ; she told him nothing and that she had just giving Lily Ann the lie detector test and that she had passed every single question . Agent Manson told the doctor that none of the marks jumped at all . The doctor told her that Lily Ann must be admitted to a physic ward then . Agent Manson told him that she doesn 't think that Lily Ann will get any better . After she told the doctor that he told her just to do it anyways and just see how she does . Agent Manson went into Lily Ann cell and said " the doctor told me to put you into a physic iatric hospital and you have to go to therapy and see how you do there . So if you do well there and get better there then the judge might let you go and just be on house arrest for a little bit . Then eventually we would just have to check up on you just to see how you are doing . I would probably be the one who checks up on you . How does that sound … good ? " " Yeah I guess if that 's what the doctor thinks I should do then yes . I have a question though … How long will I be in the hospital ? " Lily Ann asked " Well that all depends on how well you get and how fast . The doctor might be able to give you a better answer than I could , but I do hope that you do get better because I think you 're amazing women . What all of your husbands did to you is not right at all , and I appreciate you tell me the truth . I think when you get threw this tough time that you will feel a lot better . " Agent Manson told Lily Ann with affection in her voice . In the back of Lily 's mind she was thinking ' You are so fucking stupid . I didn 't tell you the truth at all . When I get done with all of this I 'm going to leave the country with Rhage and live happily ever after … hopefully . ' Agent Manson doesn 't know about Lily 's little twist in her game that she played out very well . Lily paid the women to seduce all of her husbands , when Lily killed all her husbands and the girls she paid to seduce her husbands . She killed them and then took back the money that she had given to them . So Agent Manson took Lily Ann to the mental hospital , Lily got all settled into her room . Then when Agent Manson was getting ready to leave Lily asked her if she was aloud to use the phone at all . Agent Manson told her that she didn 't know if she was aloud to use a phone or not . Then she told her that she could use her cell phone , Lily Ann told her no that she just wanted to know if you were aloud to use the phone . Then Agent Manson said " Alright then I guess you 're all settled in then right ? " After Agent Manson left , Lily sat down and thought to herself . She thought maybe … . just maybe if she wouldn 't of killed her first husband then at least she wouldn 't be in this hospital with mental people . But she has that thought in her head that she should 've covered her tracks more or maybe she should 've killed her neighbors too . She stopped think when a nurse walked in and gave her meds and watched as she took the meds and told her to open her mouth to make sure she had swallowed them down . Then the nurse left the room and she started getting sleepy so she laid down and went to sleep . Rhage was never caught , but he would always go and visit Lily Ann up at the physic ward just to make she was okay . Then one day he went up there and she was sitting in a chair next to the window , staring outside . Rhage went up to her and looked at her , shook his head and left the room . Lily Ann was a vegetable they turned her into a vegetable . He was so pissed . That he went to the police officers house that and talked her and told her that it was him that helped her . He told her that if she didn 't shot him that he was going to do it himself . She looked at him and told him that she wasn 't going to shot him , so he left her place went and broke into the hospital and went to Lily Ann 's room . Looked at her and told her how much he loved her and shot himself threw the roof of his mouth . There was blood and brains everywhere . Lily Ann Looked over at him grabbed the gun , picked it up and shot herself too , but before she did she got the words out I love you too .
|
I can 't say much at the moment because I 'm kind of reeling . Wrapping my head around a world without him in it is something I 'm not at all ready to do . I can 't begin to imagine what the silence of this night is like for his wife , who thought they 'd grow old together . I 've spoken to his mother , who is unimaginably heartbroken . I promise to remember , my friend . And I promise to smile and laugh , but I can 't promise to not cry when I miss you . I will tell the stories , and keep them - and you - alive . Old BF has taken to challenging me to word games . He used to do this when we were together . My favorite game was Quiddler , which is like Scrabble in card form , with lovely Book of Kells art on the faces . Funny thing is that I 've never played Scrabble , but I get the idea . So , how did that game go for him ? Well , let 's take a look at that . I 've been a newspaper editor , writer , curriculum editor , and researcher . I love language . On the other hand , he reads dictionaries for fun . Seems like a good match - up for word games . Poor man never won a word game with me . So , five years after we finally broke up , what happens ? A little app called " Words With Friends . " I hadn 't heard of it before he challenged me . I was surprised to have a message from him , but I checked our the game anyhow . I decided to accept the challenge . And I 've been wiping the floor with his ass ever since . " You 're beating him by 300 points , " Daughter said . " I 'd say you were being mean , but it 's him . " And he keeps asking for it . The calls for Ranger have slowed . That 's quite nice . I 'm almost to the end of the contract for that phone , so I can get rid of it soon without paying to get rid of it . That will be nice . For a long while , old memories would hit me and I 'd see them in the light of the things I know now . The feeling of foolishness would consume me for a bit , but I 'd come to grips with it . The words I wanted to say to him would sometimes play through my mind , and then I 'd resolve them . Initially , I 'd feel frustrated that I 'd not have the chance to say them , then I 'd feel better to realize that they 'd go unsaid because I 'd never seen him again . And I do like that thought , of never having to look at his deceitful face again . I got one of those calls for him yesterday . They didn 't want the numbers , but promised to remove mine from their calling cycle . Soon , it was lunchtime . It was hot outside , so I decided to eat at my desk . He was holding two books . A cookbook I 'd once given him and a small red book . I recognized it as another I 'd given him . It 's one of those fill - in - the - blank books that you write all manner of sweet , loving , intimate things to your lover . They do the same for you , then you trade . I have the copy he gave me , trying to decide on an appropriate way of destroying it . Now , I laid eyes on the one I 'd given him . " I 'm having to move , " he said . " A lot of stuff has to go into storage , so I 'm sorting through it . I came across these . " He held out the cookbook , but I didn 't move . " You gave me a copy of this a couple of years ago , but my kids gave me one for Christmas . I figured you 'd like the extra copy , since I know you liked it . " Again , I didn 't move . He held out the little red book . " And I found this . I didn 't want to throw it out , but I also didn 't want anyone to just come across it in storage . So , I thought I 'd give it to you , to do with what you want . " I sat there staring at my computer screen for awhile . I hadn 't realized how much comfort I 'd actually taken from the thought of never seeing him again . The sight of him made me feel stupid all over again . To look into the face I 'd believed for so long , so foolishly . . . well , it 's not a good feeling at all . I looked at the books on my desk . The little red one had some greeting cards stuck in it . That 's when I had that terrible moment when you realize what you should have done . The scene would have been much better if it had played out this way . Over the next few hours , I thought a bit about what he said . Moving . Things going to storage . How could he possibly move someplace smaller , with less room for his stuff ? He was living in a minuscule trailer . And how would someone come across my book , in his storage ? He has to be concerned with someone else accessing his stuff without him . Most likely , yet another woman he 's lied to about me . The possibility exists that he 's finally being sent to jail on the child support issue . It 's wrong , but that thought kind of makes me feel better . Again , though , I don 't get it . Why do they come back ? I didn 't need those books . He could have just thrown out the red book and not come to see me . He could have done something else with the cookbook , too . Why see me ? I don 't get it . In any case , now I have both red books . I think our little family needs to use the backyard fire pit to make s ' mores again . I have just the kindling . Apparently , Ranger keeps giving out the number he had on my cell account . I can 't cancel it without a hefty penalty until October , but I 'll take care of that then . In the meantime , I have to wonder why he keeps doing this . All I did to him was take back the property that belonged to me anyhow . But he also has that bizarre ability to spin lies until he begins to believe them himself , even in the face of irrefutable evidence . So , I have to wonder what the tale is being told about me that he thinks doing such things is a good idea . A few weeks ago , I got several voice mails from his ex - wife . I don 't keep that phone on me , so a bunch had piled up before I got them . The messages were not for me , but for him . So , I decided to do the nice thing and let her know he no longer had that number , and that I didn 't know how to reach him . That opened the flood gates . No only did she respond that she never wanted to hear from me , but she called my message a " pathetic attempt to feel close to him by contacting [ her ] . " WTF ? ? ? I reminded her that I was responding to her messages , suggested she delete the number from her contacts , and informed her that her number was being blocked on my service . Then , I blocked it . Oh , and I pointed out that if I wanted to be close to him , then I wouldn 't have threatened him with a restraining order if he came near me , my family , my home , or my office again . Stick that in your pipe and smoke it , crazy lady . Then , I had a thought . I wrote it down and waited for the next errant phone call . No , he 's not at this number . No , I don 't know how to reach him . But I know two people who do . 1984 . I was a sophomore in high school , half way to my 16th birthday . I 'd become editor of the school newspaper rather quickly and suddenly , so I spent all of my lunch hours in the Journalism room , working on the next edition . Alone . I always was a bit on the fringes . One day , the door to the darkroom opened . The boy who stepped out seemed to be as surprised to see me as I was to see him . Apparently , he thought he was spending his lunch hours alone , too . And thus , one of the greatest friendships of my life began . Twenty - two years later , we stood at the door to that room and looked through the window . Behind us stood his wife and my kids . " That 's where it started , " we said , smiling at the memory . Back in 1984 , we were complete nerds . Okay , we still are , but we were teenage nerds . I remember that he had a party and my folks were very concerned about this boy inviting me to a boy - girl party . Yeah , I know ; it screams " overprotective . " They were . So , they pulled up outside the party house to drop me off . " Whose car is that ? " my dad asked , pointing to the old , yellow bug . " That 's his car , " I said . Then , we spotted my nerdy friend coming to greet me . My dad seemed to relax on the idea that this guy was going to maul me at any moment . We spent lots of time together during high school . We watched endless marathons of Ernest movies and commercial reels ( " KnowwhatImean , Vern ? " ) . All the Monty Python we could get our hands on . We sought out the most off - beat music , and he even made some of his own . I wrote an article about his garage band . One evening , his mom asked me to join them for card game night . I said , " I 'm really bad at card games . " She said that was nonsense and dealt me a hand . A few minutes later , she said , " You weren 't kidding , were you ? " Yep , I was that bad . Still am . But I 'll kick your ass at a word game . Right after high school , he auditioned for and earned a spot in a touring musical company . I got postcards from all over the world . Funny thing was that the postcards were often of little podunk airports , in the middle of nowhere . One day , I got a postcard with a Garfield the Cat cartoon on it . But the captions were all in German . I stared at the picture and finally said aloud , " I don 't know what this says ! " I flipped it over to see my friend 's handwriting : " You don 't know what this says , do you ? " He signed it , " All feet are the same ! " When he got home , we had a big celebration , and he showed all of his slides from the road . It was bittersweet , though . He 'd decided to go away to college . I missed him terribly , but visited now and again . Of course , he came home for visits , too . And it seemed we developed a pattern : when one of us became romantically interested in the other , the other one would be dating someone . Back and forth we went , for years . We loved the movie Labyrinth . We 'd throw quotes at each other all the time . I loved it when I 'd come home and find a message on my answering machine ( yes , this was before cell phones ) : " One door leads to the castle at the center of the labyrinth . The other door leads to . . . bum , bum , bum , bum . . . certain death . Ooooooo . . . . " Click . He had his grandmother make some vests for him . They had four buttons and three button holes . Their entire purpose was for people to say to him , " Look , you 're unbuttoned , " so he could reply , " Dangit ! I lost another buttonhole ! " I have a series of pictures from one of his trips home . He decided to replace the brake system on his VW van himself . He and another friend bought a " For Dummies " book on VW maintenance and set to work . I took pictures of them getting covered in grease and dirt , in their shorts and long tube socks . What 's funny about the pictures is that once they took the socks off , you could see they were clean from the knees down . They decided to rinse off . As they dragged out the hose , they spotted me with the camera . You could see the collective lightbulbs come on , and I knew I was in for a soaking . Suddenly , his mom burst from the front door . " Blogget ! Blogget ! Come quick ! I need your help at the store ! " Going to the store with his mom was always an interesting time . She kept this mental stash of mysteries and puzzles for us to solve as we shopped . Definitely kept us entertained and out of trouble . Clever woman . So , eventually , we married other people . On my wedding day , his mother came to me and said , " We always thought it would be you and our boy ! " What do you say to that ? He once came to visit me when I lived in Missouri . My daughter was a baby , and I wasn 't in the best place physically or emotionally . The pregnancy had been rough , and my marriage was beginning to fall apart . I 've always regretted that he had to see me like that . We 've kept in touch , and I 'm friends with his wife . He founded a successful computer company . About a year ago , he became ill . Cancer . He keeps everyone informed of his treatments and progress through a blog . When his illness keeps him awake , we play word games via our phones . I thought I should feel bad about mercilessly kicking his can at the games , but he wouldn 't want me to go easy on him . He started new treatments recently , with chemo and radiation , and sounds positive on most days . He 's going on hospice care . He 's visited a cemetery . His story 's end will come in a matter of weeks . They 're trying to make him comfortable . At this moment , I can 't wrap my head around the idea of a world without my friend in it , without his words and his thoughts and his heart . I remember so much , and I feel desperate to cling to it all . I want to say that it 's not fair , but I know the answer to that . Nothing is fair . I don 't want to lose him . I don 't want his wife to lose him . I don 't want his mother to lose him . Repeatedly over the last couple of days , I 've heard the song " Fire and Rain " by James Taylor . It 's one that always stabs at my heart because of one line : " . . . But I always thought that I 'd see you again . " It reminds me of my cousin , who was lost almost 21 years ago . Now , it seems like it was warning of another such loss coming - I always thought I 'd see him again , and I doubt I will . Jacob tells me , " Don 't grieve yet . " But I 'm in shock . The memories are coming fast , and I want to experience and express them all . My dear friend . We 're in each other 's hearts . He loves silly things , like three - button hole vests . He loves yellow . And I want to tell his story , and never forget . So , you all hear me talk about my big conference every Fall . Back in 2007 , that 's where I had my little fling with SC . In 2010 , it was held at Ole Miss . The woman I 've referred to as Droopy Dog ( the one who tried to start gossip about SC ) gave a presentation to the Board there , to host the conference at her school . They 're in a little town in Illinois . The presentation went something like this , in true Droopy Dog form : " We 're really not sure how you 'd get here . You can fly to St . Louis and rent a car , but it 's a long drive . There 's a small airport near us , but their planes aren 't very good . . . . " Yes , the presentation was that bad . But he agreed to go ask his boss . And that 's when I did it . I said I could talk to my boss , too . I did , and he liked the idea , but not for 2011 . Too much going on . 2012 would be better , he said . My cell phone lit up . It was my pal at Ole Miss . The text said , " DO NOT MAKE US GO TO ILLINOIS ! TELL ME WE CAN COME TO COLORADO ! " I honestly don 't know what the answer was . But I can tell you this - it was the last time I 've heard from her . At all . So , we put together the proposal . At the next meeting , it was approved . We sent out the announcement and put up the conference registration site . Guess who was the first person to register ? It was SC . Immediately , I got a text from him . So , on with the planning . It 's a three day conference , with additional pre - and post - excursions to local attractions . It all fell in my lap . Even the stuff my boss said he 'd do . Oh , except for the part about scouting wineries for our excursion . He did that part . Let me say that where I live is the perfect spot for a conference . It plays host very well . Everything fell into place perfectly . And SC was one of the first to arrive . He was among the group going to the " Early Bird Dinner " on the first night . I was in the lobby with the others when he showed up . Now , since the last time he saw me , I 've lost about 60 pounds . He did a bit of a double take when he saw me . He gave me a hug and said , " You look good . I mean , really good . " I smiled and thanked him , and we all headed off to a great dinner . Many of my good friends arrived later , wanting to go out for a late dessert and drinks . The nearby Irish pub still had live music going , so we headed that way . SC had gone back to his hotel , but texted to find out where everyone went . When he got there , he managed to slide into the seat beside me . At the end of the night , the group 's ticket was placed in front of me . Everyone leaned over to see their totals . As SC leaned in to see , I felt something strange . Then it became insistent . It was his hand , gripping my thigh and moving upwards , into unwelcome territory . I tried not to jump and make things conspicuous for the others . I put my hand down to block SC 's wanderings . A few excused themselves to go to the bathroom before we left . SC turned to me . The next evening , I was at dinner at a pizza place with other conference goers . SC found us there . I was sitting beside my pal from Ole Miss , and she was quite put out when SC worked a chair between us . She told me later that she wondered why he was sitting so close to me , invading my personal space . So , I told her why , and told her about the pub . " What an asshole , " she said , in that delightful Mississippi drawl . Another friend ( from Colorado Springs ) overheard one of his repeated invitations for me to come to his room . So , we explained the situation to her , too . As we piled in vans that night to go to the big Friday night dinner , my Colorado Springs friend saw SC climbing into the van I was driving . She made him sit behind her . She spent the whole trip to dinner asking questions about me and Jacob . Loudly . Just gotta love her . That was a stellar night . Dinner at a winery . Live entertainment from our theater department . Perfect weather . As people smiled and laughed , my boss came to stand beside me . " You really pulled this off , " he said . " People are really having a good time . This is a great group . " And I was early proud of myself , truth be told . Months of hard work , and it was working out . No disasters . The following week , my boss actually asked when we could host again . He wants us to be very active with this group , and support my activity in it . SC did not relent , until the last day came and it was obvious that I was not accepting those invitations . We haven 't talked about it . I just let it be . Let him go home to his wife , knowing there was a line I wouldn 't be crossing . Jacob means a lot to me , and I won 't put that on the line . The past president , who had seen me rolling my eyes at that meeting one year ago , pulled me aside . " You 're on notice , " she said . " Be prepared to be president , as of the next ballot . " She was the first of a few to say that . It kinda scares me . But to have their respect feels awfully good , too . Looking back through my posts , I don 't see anything about the man we 've come to refer to as Dingus . One of my favorite faculty members refers to him by this name , and she flat refused to work with him . No wonder because he 's a bit of an idiot . This all started with that never - ending search , the one that my pal from New Jersey made me look like an idiot over . After the third round , we had to hire someone . I was a little nerves about the choice because I wasn 't sure how well a non - native English speaker would work with our faculty . I could see potential problems there . But that 's not a very politically - correct or popular thing to say . . . so I kept it to myself . His job had two functions : help work with the faculty on instructional design ( to take some pressure off of me ) and help create media enhancements for online courses . Red flags went up when my boss asked him what he 'd need to help faculty record little video intros to their classes . He listed a $ 5 , 000 HD camera , expensive editing software , and a green screen . He also insisted that he needed a tricked out iMac . That he got . Initially , I shared my office with Dingus . I could see and hear everything he spent time on , including his negotiations with the cell phone companies for his new iPhone service . And I about bought the boy a Kleenex box to stop the constant snot sucking that went on , between the slurps of his hot tea . I could not have been happier when they moved us to new offices . Until I saw the offices . Cracker box portable buildings , with tiny office spaces in half of the building with the other half being classroom space . Our paper thin walls did nothing to block the conversation on the back row of the classroom . That was enlightening . And I was still about 10 feet from Dingus . Watching him move in was kinda awesome . He disconnected all the fluorescent bulbs , brought in his own ambient lighting , and hung curtains . He was told to make the videos work with a simple video camera , until the rest could be justified . Still , each day , I watched him shut the door ( like that did any good ) and play with Second Life , listen to terrible jazz , and not actually do anything on the to - do list . My boss kept asking what he did all day . I didn 't have much to report . One day , I was working away in my little closet - sized office , and I smelled smoke . I stepped into the tiny hallway and asked someone in another office if they smelled it , too . They nodded . Good God , I thought , this flimsy wiring has finally caught fire . I flung open Dingus 's door to warn him and was hit with a wall of the smoky smell . " Oh my God , " I said . " Do you smell that smoke in here ? " Aside from the personal annoyances , his work in general was a day - to - day struggle . Each time my boss followed up on a project given to Dingus , the guy acted like it was a total surprise that he was supposed to do something . He also couldn 't understand that his job was to to control what our faculty could and couldn 't do . He kept trying to implement ideas to force them to use his designs , which didn 't actually function most of the time . When he 'd been with us close to a year , he had his first review . Afterwards , he came to me and said , " Wow , that was rough . How did your meeting with the VP go ? " During that year , some significant decisions were made about our program . First , we searched for and chose a new system to deliver online courses . This transition would be a HUGE undertaking , to migrate educational materials , create new ones , and train everyone . Second , we would adopt some national standards and develop an internal review process for online courses . Again , huge undertaking to get that training out and get courses up to speed . Third , we decided to host a national distance ed conference . Remember that one I go to each fall ? Yep , it came to our place in 2011 . That will be a blog entry in itself . Suffice it to say , though , that I was gonna need some help with this , and Dingus was expected to be that person . That set me up for six months of hell . I 've done all the transitioning , implementing , and conferencing . I 've worked constantly - all day , after hours , weekends , holidays . Exhaustion has been a constant companion . I 've about lost my mind a couple of times . The stress has been unbelievable . But I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel now . Of course , Ranger and I have been romantically over for a long time . I maintained contact with him for a couple of reasons ; he owed me money and he had one of my phones . He kept promising to reimburse me for part of the Missouri trip . That was part of the original deal , but then he just didn 't get the income he expected . The bold truth ? That financially obliterated me . I incurred debt related to that and relied on his word to help with it . My mistake , and I admit it . I feel completely stupid for that , and many other things now . More on that later , though . He had one of my phones because we 'd moved his cell phone to my account . It was cheaper that way , and he reimbursed me for the $ 20 a month it cost . He continued to do that after we split up , on the understanding that he 'd be getting his own phone when he started receiving disability . One day , he shows me this picture of a tiny baby , hooked up to tubes . He tells me about a family he met while doing community service hours - a woman with a teenager daughter , who was the product of rape , and the daughter was pregnant by a rapist . Tragic . And he 's been helping them out with the woman 's younger children while other family crises were happening . Noble of him , yes ? The baby is born premature and ill , thus the picture . He helps while they spend time at the hospital . He tries to date the woman , but she stands him up to go home with a guy she met at the bar where she and Ranger were supposed to have their date . A few weeks go by , and the baby dies . Here 's where it really gets weird . Ranger is totally devastated by this . He starts talking about the funeral . He 's supposed to create a slide show for the baby 's funeral , but the baby 's mother and the guy who thinks he 's the father can 't agree on the music . Did you catch that ? The guy who thinks he 's the baby 's father . I thought the story was this was a rapist ? Changing stories are big ol ' red flags . So , Ranger makes this slide show . A half - hour slide show about a newborn who lived only a few weeks . And he 's totally torn up over this . " I 'm going through something really difficult , " he says , one evening when he 's looking for sympathy from me . The pieces of things he said , and other contradictions , began falling into place . I have no way of proving it , but my gut says this fits . It 's the only way his behavior at the time makes sense . The baby 's mother is 16 . The whole thing makes me nauseous . Time to sever ties with Ranger , debt or no debt . I start telling him I need the phone back . It 's time for him to have his own account . He stops answering me . No texts , no calls . I try emailing . No answers . Coincidentally , I start getting emails that someone is trying to request a new password on my cell account . Yeah , coincidentally . I let the cell company know about this , and they tighten the security on my account . No changes can be made without talking to me specifically . I go into my account and restrict that phone . I block all texts and data access , and allow only phone calls to and from my number . Guess what ? I get an email . I told him how that happened and why . You can 't take off with my property and ignore me . He says when he 'll be back and says he 'll return the phone then . That date comes and goes . Nothing . So , I call up the cell company and let them know , that phone has been stolen . They shut down service to it . I send Ranger an email . You 're carrying around a phone that 's been reported as stolen . Good luck with that , especially if your on - probation - ass is caught with it . The next day , I 'm at work and go to talk to my boss . I 'm away from my desk for about 10 minutes . When I get back , there 's a box on my desk . The phone is in it . Does that creep out anyone else ? The timing is too coincidental . He almost had to be watching me , to find a moment when he could slip in without talking to me . It 's a nice phone , so I decide to activate it on my daughter 's line . Before handing it off to her , I decide to make sure it 's clean of all of Ranger 's stuff . Good thing I did . He left several months worth of nude and pornographic pictures of himself and other women on the phone . Some were dated from before we split . Some were really young - looking , too . To avoid extra charges , I had Ranger 's old number reactivated on Daughter 's old phone . The contract runs out in October , which I will let quietly expire . Instantly , I start getting calls and texts and photos from all sorts of women . Some are asking why he hasn 't contacted them . I explain to each one who I am and why he doesn 't have the phone anymore . And I start hearing the stories . Many of them met him online and then spent " romantic " weeks and weekends with him . Then , he stopped communicating with them . He got sex and money from them , then dropped them . His job - hunting trip to Denver ? Not job - hunting . It was one of these rendezvous . All I can tell them is , I 'm sorry , and go get tested . What a class act . There 's absolutely nothing redeeming about this man . He 's complete scum . I 'm so ashamed of how profoundly stupid I 've been . I 've spent months having flashbacks to times that were not what they seemed to be . Good times that now seem to be little more than a ruse . He also got what he wanted from me . Bled me dry in several ways . It 's going to be another few months before I recover financially from all the ways he took advantage of me . I 've found ways he 's stolen from me , too . Materially , financially , intimately , and . . . my self - respect . This is hard for me to see , what a fool I 've been . It 's completely humiliating . It makes me sick on so many levels . I 'll never see him again , but the scars are there . Jacob is so sweet to hear me rail against all of this , and still hold my hand , say he loves me , and that he understands . We do that for each other , actually . Old BF couldn 't find a good job . Ranger couldn 't keep a job ( although , theft tends to do that ) . And now . . . well , poor Jacob was hit by the curse . Here 's what happened . He 's quite the devotee of Twitter . It 's how we got to know each other , so that 's no surprise . When he 'd go off on there , though , he made sure to keep it anonymous . No names . No places . Nothing to identify the object of his wrath . So , one day during a break at work , he tweets something about someone spitting on the floor . In response , he gets a message from an HR person at work , saying he 's being negative , and they need to chat about it . I was home for lunch , and suddenly , there 's Jacob on my doorstep . " So , I guess I didn 't have to wait for Friday , " he says . Yup , he got fired for what he said on Twitter . Over a decade at that place , and that 's how it ends . Now , they do have a policy that an employee cannot be held responsible for things said outside of work . And Jacob did find a legal precedent for a possible suit against them . And tweeted about it . That might just explain why they spent the next few days making sure his details and money got settled quickly . Long story short , he had money coming to him that would allow him to float for awhile and try his hand at a few options . He researched the potential earnings and set about getting started . First up - amateur porn . Namely , shemale cam porn . You guys are well aware of my hangups with fidelity and such , so when this idea first came up , you can imagine how I reacted . Kneejerk was not a pretty sight . We argued for two days about it . Then , he put it in perspective : " Do you really think I 'd rather rub one out for some guy in India than be with the woman I love ? " The third floor attic space of the house became the studio during the day . Of course , none of this went on with children in the house , so it was sometimes hard to maintain a consistent cam schedule . However , the income proved to be not quite as promised . Jacob spent a lot of time looking at other cam t - girls and wondering how the hell they stayed so busy . One was particularly puzzling . We called her Snot Girl . One day , he 's showing me some of the other t - girls , and we notice this one . Quite pretty , sexy outfit , and convincing as a female . Her chat room has a fair number of patrons , chatting with her . As we 're watching , she sneezes . Into her hand . Then looks at it . And wipes it on her sexy black stockings . I won 't go into all the details , but suffice it to say , he 's found some level of success writing articles on - demand , fiction , and erotica . We 've discussed some ideas that I wish he 'd push a little more - things that I personally feel he has a niche for - but that 's up to him . He 's been doing well , and his writing is well - received . Trouble is that freelance writing is a tough career to get off the ground . And as a recent ( very recent ) financial crisis has reared its ugly head on our horizon , he 's had to find another way to bring in more immediate funds . So , within 24 hours of the crisis , he has three interviews and a very real possibility of being hired before the week 's end . That , in itself , illustrates one big difference between Jacob and Ranger or even Old BF . He is a man of action , when needed . Resourceful and determined . No excuses . And I love that about him . I don 't have to solve problems for us all . He 's reliable . We are partners , in every sense of the word . That 's the best way I know to describe my daughter . She astounds me every day . She 's very confident and sure - footed about where she wants to be in life , and keeps a steady eye on that path . She 's quite realistic about what is good for her and what 's a distraction . That said , she 's also aware of her own tendency to procrastinate and be . . . scattered . She inherited her father 's ability to leave a trail of stuff in her wake . You can read her daily activities by the trail she leaves . For me , it 's still a good trade - off : messy for unusually level - headed . She makes an impression on people , that 's for sure . Towards the end of last school year , she decided to join the school Art Club . Just one of those " might be a good idea " thing , as she is an impressive artist . She 'd been accepted as a graphic artist for the school paper , so being in Art Club seemed logical . And might be fun . So , she went to a couple of meetings . Enough to cast her vote in the club elections . A couple of weeks go by and . . . guess what ? Her dad just can 't seem to wrap his head around her , though . His wife ( # 3 ) once said that I shouldn 't expect him to relate to her because he doesn 't " get " art and music . Really ? That sounds reasonable to you ? So , their conversations tend to be superficial and , consequently , he hasn 't seen her in about three years . Her last birthday was a big deal , though . It was her 16th . Sweet 16 . That 's a milestone . So , I talked him into coming here for her birthday , as a surprise . That would be huge for her . But what about the party itself ? What the heck was I gonna do to celebrate her 16th ? I racked my brain . I wanted to do something themed with the things she 's into . There 's that obsession of hers with Korean boy bands , but . . . uhm , no . Then , there 's art , literature , and writing . I needed some advice on that . I called my friend , the head of the Art department where I work . I explained about my daughter 's birthday . My friend has met my daughter and was impressed at the time . " So do you know of any art - related spaces locally that I can rent for a party ? " " Sure , " she said . " We actually don 't use the campus art gallery all summer . You can have that , if you 'd like . " I was stunned . That 's a brand - new , gorgeous space . Glass front and plenty of space . It 's part of the new college center on campus . " Seriously ? " I asked . " How much ? " " No charge , " she said . " I 'll even help you set up , if you give me a snack . " See , she has this theory about how much better the world would be if people just had more snacks . I spent the next several weeks secretly going through all of the artwork I 'd kept over the years and all of the sketchbooks Daughter has stashed . . . everywhere . I collected enough to cover the walls of the gallery . I made plans to swipe her latest sculpture for the food table . I met with the campus catering services people to get plenty of food for a group of teenagers . Our favorite bakery designed a bass drum shaped cake in her school colors , to represent her love of marching band . All she knew was we were renting a room on campus for her party . That way , she could give her friends some directions . She had no idea that it wasn 't just any room , but that she was about to have her first " show . " Her dad made his travel plans . It was cheaper to fly into a neighboring town , and he wanted her to be at the airport when he got there . But keep in mind that this was supposed to be a surprise . So , I told her I had to go pick up a visiting professor and take him to the campus there . Would she like to go and have a shopping day with me ? The day arrives , and she dresses to the nines for shopping . Heels , skirt . . . the works . When we get there , I tell her to have a seat while I check on the flight 's arrival . Apparently , it had already gotten there because from behind me I hear : " What are you DOING here ? " He 's leaning over the back of her chair . She 's staring up at him , backwards . Repeating two phrases : " You 're my daddy ! " and " What are you DOING here ? " As she stood , I saw his gaze go from her feet to the top of her head , which was well above his . Especially in heels . His jaw dropped . His eyes went back to the shoes . " When did you start wearing those ? " he said . " I don 't like that idea ! " One day , I was driving him back to where he was staying . As we sat in the car , he said two things to me that about blew me away . First , he said I 'd done a great job with her . Second , he apologized for all the crap he put me through when we were married . Jacob , his Eldest , my folks , and I spent hours setting up before the party . It was great fun . Daughter 's dad arrived . Have I mentioned that he 's a Rush Limbaugh devotee ? Yeah . He sent conservative political books to the kids for Christmas . Ugh . And he was apparently quite disapproving of my young , tattooed , pierced boyfriend . He said something to my mother later . And spent all evening texting his wife and not talking to anyone . Judgemental asshat . My mother apparently told him to remember that this man treats me and my daughter well , and makes us happy . So stuff it . But on with the party . Finally , the big moment arrived . Daughter had met her friends outside and was walking in with them . The rounded the corner , where she could see into the big glass front of the gallery . Her best friend Alan was beside her . He pointed , too . " Maybe it has something to do with the sign in the window . " It was a mock - show announcement , with her name on it . She about flipped . Her friends walked with her from one picture to the next . They started from when she was a very little girl , until now . They listened to her explain each one . Then , they sucked down wings , cake , and lemonade while playing board games . One little problem happened . The lemonade had some kind of grossness floating in it . Jacob slung the dispenser over his shoulder , and we headed to the kitchen . They gave us a new dispenser . Jacob slung it over his shoulder again and headed out . He came back momentarily with a crate of sodas . " They won 't be charging you for this , " he said . I gave Daughter a lovely key pendant , with her birthstone . In the card , I talked about how it represented the keys I hope I 'd given her to go through life , and the keys she held to determining her own future . A couple of months ago , her writing class had to do a poem . Guess what she wrote about ? What that key means to her . Still makes me misty to read that . About a month after her birthday , her best friend Alan asked her out . She 'd decided to not date until she turned 16 , so he 'd waited for that to pass . Everyone around them said , " About dang time ! " A couple of months later , though , things took a very different turn . Kind of strange , really . Alan told her about a recent relationship he 'd had - - with one of their mutual friends . A male mutual friend . He told her he wasn 't sure if he was gay or just bisexual , but he was working on figuring it out . She felt awkward telling me about this , but needed to talk to someone about how to handle this development . I explained to her that she didn 't need to be uncomfortable with me , and that Jacob is actually " pansexual " - being attracted to individual traits rather than gender . And that he 'd also had relationships with men . That gave her some perspective , and a tool to use in talking with Alan . Then , she got wind of something he 'd said to another friend . He 's said he 'd really enjoyed waking up with that male friend , but was disappointed that Daughter wouldn 't do that . Too true ; she will not . Then , he confessed that he wanted to date her to " know what being with a girl was like . " This hit her hard . He wasn 't so much interested in HER as he was in her gender . Wow , that makes a girl feel special , doesn 't it ? One evening , she breaks down crying and tells me she thinks she needs to break up with him . " He 's a great friend , " she said . " But a rotten boyfriend . " Again , charming . Right ? We had a long talk about it . She was pretty clear : " He shouldn 't be with me if he 's thinking about cheating . " I was glad to see that she has a clear idea of what a relationship should be for her , and she 's not willing to settle . Spring break last year , Son went to visit my sister and fell in love with San Diego . So , after the semester was over , he went out there to look into work and school . He decided to stay . He hasn 't had luck finding work , but he 's enrolled in school and doing fairly well . He 's also discovered surfing . I recently learned that he had another reason for going out there . He spent his last semester here getting pretty deep into the drug scene . He experimented a lot , dangerously so . I 'd had my suspicions , but I just don 't have the experience to really know the signs . He apparently had what can only be described as a religious experience ( seriously ) that told him he had to put distance between himself and what was happening , and the people connected to it . California gave him that . Son and I have had a strained relationship since he beat the crap out of me a couple of years ago . I wanted to give him a peace offering for Christmas . Something that would actually mean something . So , I sorted through all of the photos I had of him . Every one . Made me cry a lot . I made a photo album for him , with notes on the pictures of the memories I had . It apparently meant a lot to him . He 'd been afraid our relationship was shot , but that told him more than words could . He even called my mom about it , saying how he wanted to fix things between us . He told me that , too . Made me cry more . My mom is bugged that he 's so far away . She wants me to be bugged , too . I 'm not , although I do miss him . But I want him to be happy . I want him to find what makes him get up in the morning , what makes the world go around for him . If he finds that , then I 'm happy with anything he has to do to get there . I also found out some things about his experience with our church that were upsetting . For awhile , he 'd been visiting with our bishop each week , for conversations that were supposed to be helping him get back on track . He didn 't talk much about what they visited about , but that was okay . I figured it was his private conversations , and if he had something to say , he 'd say it . I also trusted that our bishop would let me know if something was happening that we needed to watch . Neither said anything . Then , Son just didn 't want to go anymore . Turns out that those visits were nothing more than disciplinary action . They centered on Son being brought before a church council and stripped of what 's called his " priesthood " in the church . No counseling . No help . Just discipline . And this was done behind my father 's back , who should have been included in such a council . I got a taste of this myself , unfortunately . I got a call from the bishop 's secretary , wanting me to meet with him . This always raises a red flag with me . Finally , the bishop emailed me , to ask for the same thing . I asked what it was about . He said he wanted to see me because I 'd moved myself and my young daughter in with a man to whom I 'm not married , and that 's a violation of the covenants I made when I joined the church . And if I didn 't want to visit with him , then he 'd turn me over to the bishop who was in charge of the area I 'd moved into , and he could take disciplinary action himself . I wrote back and gave him my address . I gave him Jacob 's address . Pointed out that they are separate houses . Then I thanked him for believing the rumor mill instead of asking me for the truth . And I haven 't spoken to him since . My daughter still loves the church . It gives her a good foundation for making good decisions in her life . She 's happy with it . I won 't step all over that , but I can 't look at those people without getting angry . What breaks my heart is that I truly feel that God just likes to fuck with me . When things are happy , he gives me the smackdown . I can 't take that anymore . Speaking of Daughter , she 's doing quite well . I sure wish I 'd had a level head like that when I was a kid . She 's the ultimate smart - kid - band - geek - kpop - loving - talented - confident - creative - person I 've ever seen . More on that in the next post ! The daily accounts of my life , in all its emotional and anecdotal glory . Or the lack thereof , on some days . Want to email me ? BloggetJones @ gmail . com Old BF : Not sure he 'd know the truth if it bit him in the ass . Offended me for the last time . Over and gone . Still tries to contact me , occasionally . South Carolina ( or " SC " ) : after much waffling , has remarried his ex . . . but that doesn 't seem to stop his wandering hands . I think he thought we 'd still be " friends with benefits . " Guess again , bud . Greg : has fallen into complete self - absorption . He thinks lying and being hurtful is good . And I 'm bad for not sending him money . I 've told him to leave me alone . Karl : started calling again . Then stopped again . A year later , I see him on Facebook . He 's married . Now he 's not . Sends messages now and again . Bear : Called regularly to see if I 'd give him another shot . When I did , he effed it up royally . Maturity of an adolescent boy . BB ( British Bloke ) : A name given by a friend ! Younger than me , but loves like me . Truly long distance relationship , but we 're making it work .
|
The New Years of 1999 , I left town . I was working at Chloe , making buttloads of money . The Y2K rumors were running rampant . I recall being told that Shea Stadium was being filled with EMT vehicles , and body bags , as mass pandemonium was about to break out , due to massive system failures around the world . No one knew how to fix the dates on computers , so this was going to somehow result in mass casualties . ( Never understood that . ) I even saw a woman on the news advising us to all get a Y2K survival kit together . Water , and canned goods . Batteries . A radio . I didn 't understand why we would need all these items . All I knew was I wanted to party down , and I was going to do it outside of the New York City limits . I headed to Southampton with my friend Josh , and we went to stay with my partner in crime , at the time , Lilee . Wild girl . Still is . She grew up a blue blood , with tons of old money . Filled with private school education , and years of horse jumping , yet she could drink and swear like a sailor . Loved her . Still do . We went out to dinner , my treat , to a restaurant on Main Street called 75 Main . It was a hangout of mine . We had a 7 course meal , complete with wines to match each course . We also had a few bottles of champagne . At midnight , we went to Agawam Park . It is a beautiful little park , right on a lake , that is right next to the ocean . They were setting off fireworks . It was freezing out . I had on skinny black cigarette pants , and a tiny black sleeveless camisole . I topped that with a vintage pink , long Indian coat , with heavy gold embroidery running through it on the front and back . I had on Sergio Rossi black mules , with feathers on them . I looked like a million bucks , but I was so cold , and didn 't care , even a little . Drunk from wine , and champagne , and watching the beautiful fireworks that cold winters night was so exciting . I felt young , and free , and inside , delighted at what the upcoming decade would bring . Going from 1989 to 1999 had been a decade of amazing things for me . Change , and growth . I could And with both fright , and hesitation , I cannot imagine what we are now headed into . We are being forced off our path . But we are about to cut a new one , and I cannot wait to see what is around the bend . I love you David , and Olivia , and Charlotte , and Molly . Happy New Year . Posted by Christmas of 2010 , put into the record books . I have to say , it was one of my best , if not , the best . I went into it filled with dread , and what unfolded before me was sheer bliss . I felt that the last week was like looking into a snow globe . It swirled , and sparkled , and reflected light in a most mesmerizing way . It was beautiful . From start to finish . I loved it . The days after Christmas have always been a bit anti - climactic for me . All the rush , and excitement , and then it is over . I just went into my refrigerator and found a package of chives . In my head , I cursed , and thought that really sucks . I was supposed to mince the chives finely , and sprinkle them on top of the goat cheese scalloped potatoes that I made . I went out of my way to get these chives . Silly , I know . No one knows . It didn 't ruin the meal . The meal was actually really good . Except maybe my potatoes would have been just that much better with chives garnishing them . And , we weren 't wearing silly paper crowns . The kind you get in Christmas crackers . I looked all over for them too . There were none to be found . I thought that would really complete the Christmas picture I had in my mind . I got a few of those Christmas moments though . We went to church on Christmas Eve . It was packed , and due to my compulsion to always be on time for everything in life , we were twenty minutes early . We got a great seat . I was super excited that we did . On the alter , was a whole stable set up . The service began , and it was just as I had imagined it would be . Mary and Joseph , and Shepard 's , and wise men . Children playing animals . They even had a real newborn baby . And the baby was asleep ! It was magical . And then they turned out the lights , and came down the aisles , and lit small candles for everyone to hold . We let the girls hold them . The entire church began to sing Silent Night . It was a moment so powerful for me . I looked down , and saw my little girls faces aglow from the small candles they were holding , and I thought to myself , this is it ! This is Christmas ! Roll the credits now , and let the snow flakes begin to flutter down outside right now ! It was everything I had ever envisioned . My beautiful family , my husband with tears in his eyes . It was perfect . I couldn 't have asked for more . We got home , and we had decided to just have frozen pizza for Christmas Eve dinner , as it was quick and easy , and I was cooking a " picture perfect " meal the next day . The pies were small , so I put three of them in the oven . When they were done , I took out the cheese pie successfully . As I reached in with the spatula , the pepperoni pie became a little wobbly . I thought I had it , but it fell , face down , on the hot inside door of the opened oven . Cheese , and pepperoni oozed everywhere . David happened to be standing there watching the whole thing . It was like it was in slow motion . I couldn 't believe my eyes . This was not what I had envisioned for Christmas Eve . Cheese began to burn , and smoke . It was a mess . But the funny thing was , that after David and I cleaned the whole thing up , and got everyone fed , and continued on with my picture perfect Christmas , complete with the building and decorating of a Gingerbread house ( although , I forgot to serve them hot cocoa in their Christmas mugs ) the moment that the girls thought was the best from Christmas Eve , was when " Mom exploded the pizza " . So , today , that is where I will leave it . Our life is so far from the picture perfect image in my head . Sometimes , it looks more like a connect the dots . But it is really great . And each day , I am trying to focus on the beauty of what I see , as opposed to what sucks . Who needs chives anyway ? Each year , my father went into the attic , and took out all of the boxes containing our Christmas ornaments , and decorations . Opening these boxes always made me happy . The smell of the ornaments , and tissue paper , and even the same old boxes , all had one scent . I have never smelled that smell ever again . It was the smell of Christmas , on Tulip Grove Drive . I can still smell it in my mind . I used to always put these fake gingerbread ornaments to my nose , thinking that they had to be the one that caused that nice smell , but it wasn 't them . We had a Nativity set that I loved . It was my job to set it up by the front door . I put the stable up , and arranged all the key players around the empty manger . My Dad placed baby Jesus in the manger every Christmas morning . Until then , it stood empty . My other job was to cut slivers of construction paper into " hay " . I always chose yellow paper , although one year , we didn 't have yellow , so the hay was purple , which upset my aesthetics , and annoyed me the whole season . They " hay " was put into a basket , and placed below the Nativity scene . For every good deed my siblings and I did , we were to place a piece of " hay " in the manger , making a soft place for baby Jesus to lay on . We were not to tell anyone of the good deed we did , and we were to try very hard to do at least one a day . I loved looking at all the hay pile up , everyday . It made me happy to know that secretly , we were all trying to do something good each day . Being that it was the " honor system " , some of my pieces of hay in the manger , were debatable . Some days , I couldn 't think of whether or not I did a good deed , so I would throw one in figuring I must have , and just forgotten . Other days , if I held a door open for two people , that equaled two pieces of hay . The intention was there I suppose . And every Christmas , the manger was full , and piled high with both good deeds , and intentions . What I didn 't know what was going on through these Merry Christmas seasons , was how hard it was for my Mom and Dad . My father , being a NYC It is love . It is an unspoken good deed . This year , I know of many people in my life who have quietly placed hay in our manger . You have made it a soft place . Your good deed has been so quiet yet it has spoken volumes . Thank you . Posted by Last night , we watched " Meet me in St . Louis " with the girls . I had never seen it . David loves old movies , especially black and white ones . I am embarrassed to say that I don 't have a lot of patience for black and white movies . My favorite part of the " Wizard of Oz " is when Dorothy opens up the front door of her house , and she is in Munchkinland . The color part starts , and that is when the movie begins for me . David adores old movies , and sometimes , on Saturday mornings , he and Olivia get up early together , and watch them . He has passed on this love for them , to her . Luckily , " Meet me in St . Louis " is in color . Older movies take a while for me to get into , simply because of the proper way they speak . The way they pronounce everything . No one speaks like that anymore . I can 't quite put my finger on what the " accent " is . Uptight , maybe . But the longer I watched the movie last night , the more I liked it . Judy Garland , was never beautiful to me . Sort of odd looking . I kept staring at her hands , and her lips , and her gigantic eyes . She to me , is so tragic . She plays such happy women , on screen . She was such a tortured person . The scene at the end of the movie , when she sings " Have yourself a merry little Christmas " , made me get a lump in my throat . I looked at David , and he had tears in his eyes . I feel like we are just raw with emotion lately , and everything that is slightly touching , or sad , makes waves of emotion come out of us . I watched a story the other morning on the Today show . It blew me away . It was about this really good looking college football player . He wanted to be a lawyer , and eventually a judge . He played baseball as well as football , his whole life . He got into a fight with some strangers , on a street . He and his friends were jumped . Witnesses said that these men kicked his head so many times , it looked like they were punting a football . He is in a coma . He has been for over a year now . His mother and father are his full time caretakers . They have dedicated their life to taking care of their son . HeI know this post is a bit rambling . I sit and type , and never have a plan . Some days it makes sense to me . Some days , it is all a bit fractured . I suppose what I am trying to say is that the family of that young , beautiful , man ought to have some of the blessings that I have undeservedly received . Sometimes , all you hear about is the bad out there , and it sours you . Sometimes , you can fall into really feeling sorry for yourself . There is so much good stuff , when you finally look for it . Sitting , looking at my beautiful family , watching our movie together last night , made me see it , crystal clear . Right there , before me . Yesterday , the clouds of uncertainty , swirling above our heads , slowly blew away . All the anxiety about losing our home , dissipated . David spent almost three hours on the phone , with Citimortgage . He had called a non - for - profit group , and they called the lender , and they all had a conference call . For almost three hours , David spoke with the bank . They will not budge . They will not help us . We also found out our home is worth less than half of what we owe on it . We also found out that we will most likely have to move out around May , of 2012 . Shockingly , I am OK with this . I have been trying so hard to hold onto something , that is essentially sucking the life out of us . We have outgrown this house two children ago . We have one little bathroom . One living room . A tiny kitchen . 3 little bedrooms . That 's it . There is nothing more to this house . I have no fight left in me . I don 't care . I can honestly say that I feel like a new , and better chapter for us , is right around the corner . I can feel it moving toward us . In my mind , I am already thinking about a home with more than one bathroom . What a luxury . I am thinking about a home with a play room . I am thinking about how I would decorate the girl 's bathroom . Maybe a garden . I would love to have a vegetable garden . And a cutting garden . Lush with flowers . Cone flowers , and snapdragons . Foxgloves . Oh foxgloves . When we first looked at this house , there was a metal sign nailed to a tree at the end of the driveway . It had the number of the house on it , and it said below that " Foxglove House " . I thought it meant something to the previous owner . When we moved in that summer , David pried it off of the tree and tossed it by the garbage cans . He started cleaning up around the property , pulling weeds , and such . There was an abundance of one type . Big leaves , close to the ground . I thought that they looked like something that should not be pulled . David swore up and down that he knew these were just weeds . I thought that they were purposely planted . He won the battle , and proceeErin I once went to a black tie affair at the Plaza Hotel in New York . It was a formal gala , honoring Philip Johnson , the renowned architect . It was in the Grand Ballroom . The same room where Truman Capote 's Black and White Ball was . It was really something to attend such a grand affair . Brooke Astor was sitting at the table with Philip Johnson . It was really magical . I wore a long grey , wool silk , slip dress , with a matching evening coat . I had on black pointy toed stilettos . I carried a small , jeweled , evening purse . I must have been about 26 . My hair was up , and my eyes were smoky . I felt wonderful . The night was filled with dancing , and champagne . Lots of champagne . The dinner was delicious , and the candlelight made everything glow and sparkle . The gold walls reflected the light . It was an honor to be a part of it . I felt like an impostor . But I had one too many glasses of champagne . And then I believe we wound up in the Oak Room at the Plaza . After a blurry cab ride home , I remember spilling the contents of my little jeweled evening purse onto the seat of the taxi to pay the driver . I thought I had collected everything , but apparently , my apartment keys drove off into the night . Did I mention it was winter , and freezing out ? I became a bit panicked . I was unsure what I was going to do . I walked down the block toward my building . It must have been about 2 a . m . I buzzed the apartment of the man next door to me . He was in his twenties as well . He and I had only exchanged brief hello 's , but I knew my window was open , and we shared a fire escape . This was the only way I would be able to get in without paying a locksmith . He took a while to answer , and his voice was both sleepy , and angry when he finally picked up the intercom . I , was of course , over served , so I must have sounded goofy , to say the least . I explained that it was me , his neighbor . I asked him to buzz me in , and could he please open his apartment door . The buzzer sounded , and I pushed the leaded glass door open , and clicked my way down the hall , to the back stairwell , and hiked it up the flight of stairs . He slowly opened his apartment door , unsure of why I needed him to do so . Do you know , I smiled , said hello , and told him that I was going to need to go out his window , onto the fire escape . As I was telling him my plan , I walked right into his apartment . Totally breezed right by him . I didn 't even know his first name . This was the most we had ever spoken to each other . He looked shocked . He looked a bit annoyed . He even protested , but I insisted everything was fine , and I walked right into his living room , threw the window open , and in a long gown , and matching coat , climbed out of his window , carefully balancing myself on the grates of the fire escape , hoping it would hold , as it was over 100 years old , and told him , thank you and goodnight . I opened up my kitchen window , which was alwErin Sitting at the bus stop this morning , the car began to make a bubbling , gurgling , noise . The temperature gauge shot up to Hot . I started shaking . I was afraid something was about to happen , like the car was about to die . I drove home , and called David . He too , is now filled with stress about this . I went on - line , and googled what it could be , and of course , a million scenarios came up . Some with a small price tag . Still others that we cannot afford . I am so worried about this , on top of everything else that I am worried about . Layer upon layer of worry . Like a stinky onion . I have to see the goodness in my life . In our life . Someone is providing Christmas for my children . Without this help , there would not have been much for the girls . I will never be able to explain what this has meant to us . I am overwhelmed with thanks . I feel undeserving . There are no words . Our tree is up . It is beautiful . I kept tearing up as the girls put ornaments on it , and Molly removed them . Where will we be next Christmas ? Here ? Will we be happy ? Will we be OK ? Tonight , I would like to be 24 . Just for the night . I would like to still smoke too , just for tonight . I would like to stare at the clock longing for it to be 6 : 00 . I would like to take my familiar route , up Madison Ave . to 78th Street . Walk over to York Avenue , and peek into brownstone after brownstone 's ground floor kitchen 's along the way . I would like to make my way , all the way to the river . # 539 . Key in front door , up the one flight of stairs , and unlock the solid wood door , installed many moons before I was even born , and enter my tiny apartment . I would like to throw down my stuff , change my clothes , freshen up my makeup , and hair , check my messages , and decide on which plan that I made , with numerous people , sounds like the most fun . I stop to pick up two packs of Camel lights , and hop in a cab . I am young . I am beautiful . The possibilities are endless . What will I have ? A beer ? A cocktail ? Start off with a smoke . Definitely . Tonight , we are heading to Arlington Elementary school . It is the annual spaghetti dinner , and gift shop . The girls are really psyched . The PTA mom 's really don 't know who they are dealing with . I asked David a few weeks ago why moss was growing on the roof of the house next door . He said that when a house sits empty for a long time , with no heat on inside of it , moss will grow on the roof . Nothing is warming the roof from within . That struck me as sort of spooky . It also made me sad . My neighbor Barbara , who used to live right next door to me , lost her home to foreclosure . She had been unable to keep her head above water after her boyfriend moved out , and she then lost her job . She had stopped paying the mortgage over 4 years ago . She stayed in it for a bit , and had to move out only because she could not afford to keep the utilities on . She had no water . She packed up her things , and took her teenage son , and left . She gave us the keys , and told us to take whatever we wanted . I took a cake stand . She had always made us the best coconut cakes , and always brought them over in a glass stand , with a cover . I loved it . She left it behind , so I took it . I felt bad walking around her empty home . She couldn 't afford movers , so she left everything behind . Furniture , and dishes . Rugs , and candles . Everything that makes a house , a home , was abandoned . David and I didn 't feel right about taking anything . It made us uncomfortable . But when I saw the cake stand , it reminded me of too many good things . I proudly display it , and love when I bake a cake , and place it under it 's domed cover . I think of Barbara . I see her house everyday . I can see it from Charlotte 's bedroom . It sits , empty . Moss is covering the roof . Weeds and baby oak trees are growing from the gutters . Feral cats come and go from under the deck . There is a black one , with yellow eyes , that I see , daily . We exchange glares . I dislike that cat . He is sneaky , and up to no good . He has run across the street , in front of my car on more than a few occasions . David found a dead squirrel last week , with it 's eyeballs missing , right by our front deck . I don 't feel compelled to put food or water out for that cat . He can take care of himself just fine . I see BarbaErin Sleep finally arrived close to 3 a . m . last night . Just as I dosed off , David woke up . I smiled to myself and thought he was taking over my stressing shift . I know he was waking up , and getting out of bed , because of worry . I was happy to be relieved . I had a dream that I couldn 't sleep . It was the oddest thing . And just as I dozed off in my dream , I woke up , at 6 : 54 a . m . ready to begin my Monday . I saw Olivia 's shadow in my doorway . I motioned to her , but she left the room . I got up , and followed her . She was in her room , with the lights on , her bed made , and all of her animal friends lined up , just so . I think she was coming to wake me up . She is such a good girl . You have no idea . I cry some nights , just thinking about her , and how deeply she feels . She is me . I know when and what she is worried about . I see her constantly trying to make everything better for everyone . Some people tell me that we have done such a " good job " with her , but I have nothing to do with the way she is . She is a flower , opening up , right before my very eyes , and each and every day , I am startled at what I see . She is amazing . I kissed her good morning , and she held me tightly . I could smell her scalp . I could smell my girl . We walked out into the kitchen together , and it had snowed overnight . It was so pretty . The early morning light made everything look blue . Olivia was so happy to see the snow . I was so happy to see her happy . Today , I am thankful that I got to go to the grocery store , and get fruit , and vegetables and all the things that my family needs . I am going to make Swedish meatballs for dinner . I am going to keep thinking about the new position David is beginning , and the opportunity it means for us . I am going to keep thinking about the kindness given to me last week . I keep smiling every time it comes into my mind , and I feel grateful . My friend wrote something to me recently . I keep reading it , because it is one of the most beautiful things any one has ever said to me . Here it is : " To my friend Erin : we never know what the year will bring . We start off with daunting things - - too much , not enough , too far , too short - - but we finish the year , no matter what , as if our feet were on a conveyor belt pulling us toward December . You said that I landed in your life like a butterfly . Yours is a mind that thinks of fluttering , cellophane wings wringing blue and red stains from sunlight like colored glass . Your hands drag a plain , stiff brush through ordinary pigment to make soft petals and glistening stems . Your girls are beautiful . These things are yours . Every single day . No matter what . " I have been unable to write . Mentally unable to . My mind has been racing . Each time I sit and try to type , my hands cannot keep up with my thoughts . It is after midnight . I am lying in bed , and the baby is curled into the small of my back . She is so warm . David is sleeping . The house is still . I have been lying here , listening to my heat , just running and running . It makes me so stressed . I am afraid that something will break . I am terrified about something that hasn 't happened . I wish for one consecutive week , I could just remain positive and happy . I have received a kindness this past week that has moved me beyond words . I will never be able to express how it has touched my life . So I will simply say thank you . David learned this week of a job that he is being detailed into starting tomorrow . The pay will be more , starting in the new year . The news is amazing . It is answered prayers . Yet , I lay here , and worry that a machine cannot last forever . I keep thinking that my thinking about it , will doom it for certain . The Holiday season has arrived . Yesterday , I spent the afternoon decorating my home . I had Charlotte and Molly here . We played Christmas music . " Charlie Brown Christmas " actually . It is our favorite . We hung ornaments on our little tree in the kitchen . We put one up there every year . It is our " bird tree " . Through the years , we have collected bird ornaments , here and there . My husband David , loves birds . From bald eagles , to hummingbirds . He has a love for them . He has a love for their ability to fly . I even baked cookies yesterday . I tried to create a day for Charlotte and Molly that was magical . Olivia was off on a play date , and I wanted to make the day special for Charlotte . Molly , being so little , just thought each sparkling item coming out of assorted boxes was wonderful . She giggled all day . Yet , all afternoon , I was not enjoying what we were doing . I should have been , but I was angry . I had shaky hands , and heart palpitations . I wanted to scream . I wanted to cry . David had called me , and told me that the cost of living raise he was going to be getting in the new year , would not be coming . President Obama had announced a two year freeze on raises for civilian federal employees . The raise would have been a 1 . 4 % increase . That 's it . 1 . 4 % . But to us , it was a lot , and we were happy about it . The President went on to say that federal employees should make this sacrifice . Really ? With all due respect President Obama , my family has sacrificed . We have been for quite some time now . My husband David was one of the first people to jump out of a C - 17 airplane . He was a test jumper for the U . S . Army . He was a squad Sergeant with the 82nd Airborne Division . He earned the NATO Service Medal Award while stationed in Turkey . He is a brilliantly smart man , with a Masters Degree . He worked in Land Surveying for almost 10 years after he got out of the military . The industry he worked in was completely driven by the buying and selling of houses . Thanks to the mortgage companies wreaking havoc on the real estate industry , and the market drying up , so did my husband 's ability to work . He was unemployed for almost 8 months , and the only way he was lucky enough to get a job , was because I wrote a letter to our local newspaper about him , and they wrote a story about him . During his unemployment , you know what he did all those cold , stressful days ? He walked around neighborhoods , and knocked on doors , and asked people to vote for you , Mr . President . He and I both really believed that we would be helped by you . We really thought that you got it . That you would make things better . That we would save our home , and the mortgage company would assist us in doing so . We thought that all of the men and women that we personally knew out of work , would get jobs . We thought that you were going to help us remain whole . I cried . I laid in bed , pregnant with my little baby girl Molly , and watched you the night you won the election . I wept , tears streaming down my face uncontrollably , and David and I held each other , because we thought everything was going to be OK . It isn 't OK . It could not be worse for us . Citimortgage , in the beginning , offered us help . David 's new federal job paid him far less than his previous job . They said they would help us , and enroll us in the " making homes affordable " program . They mailed us a letter , and told us that if we paid the three month " trial period " payment , they would close on the reduced mortgage and interest rate after we did so . Three months came and went . We paid , faithfully , this new reduced , affordable rate . We could pay it , because we could afford it . After paying for almost 9 months , and still not closing , we kept calling Citimortgage , asking when we could expect to close . Citimortgage reneged . After all the months of making timely payments , they sent us paper work for a mortgage payment that was almost $ 100 . 00 dollars more than the payment we were making , before David lost his job . The help we thought we were getting , would not be coming . It was over . My home is now in foreclosure . Citimortgage will not help us . They were there , in rescue boats , throwing life rafts out to my family , and just as our finger tips grasped them , they yanked them away . They looked us all in the eye , and turned their boats around . I am watching my family disintegrate . We have medical bills , and unpaid taxes . We have never lived above our means . We are cash only people . If we don 't have the money , we don 't get it . And I am not talking about luxuries . I am talking about necessities . We cannot afford to buy our girls Christmas presents let alone afford to keep food in the refrigerator at times . Sacrifice ? How much more are we supposed to ? I kept choking back tears yesterday , as I put up Christmas decorations , because I don 't know where we will be next year . I don 't know if we will have a home . I don 't know if our bird tree will still be part of Christmas for us . I don 't know if I will have anything . And yet , a silly 1 . 4 % cost of living raise is now not coming . My President , the one David asked countless people to vote for , door to door , is asking us to sWe are tired of sacrificing . I am a wife , mother , daughter , sister , friend , and aspiring artist and writer . I used to work in the fashion industry in NYC , and relocated to Pennsylvania after marrying my true love and starting a family . We are happy , and broke . This blog has morphed into a weekly newspaper column . Specifically , my Wednesday posts . So if you want to avoid my weekly " rant to the man " , don 't read on Wednesdays . I do thank you for reading at all , though !
|
Experiencing life as a mom to two children with multiple special needs . Chaotic , complicated , loving , infuriating , enlightening and mind - numbing all at once , our day can unfold any number of ways when dealing with autism , ADHD , OCD , depression , anxiety , sensory integration dysfunction , dyslexia , multiple gastric needs , one nonverbal son and one overly - verbal son with selective mutism . Most certainly , they are two very intelligent and energetic brothers who are the children of a crazed mother . Let 's be honest . It was perhaps the first or second friend my younger son could claim . That was a direct result of the type of autism he had , and it was the darndest thing . With a casual glance or two , a person may not realize how deep , if at all , his issues ran . " Higher functioning " autism can be quite deceptive . In reality , he struggled in many areas , most notably in his attempts to make friends . He would like to have them , but he just did not know how do make them . His best opening lines usually sounded something like , " Hey , I know everything there is to know about the mating period of the ancient Megaladon . Do you ? Really , I could also tell you how most modern day sharks mate . Do you wanna hear ? " He didn 't understand how to approach people , not really . He didn 't pick up on social norms . He stood in people 's personal spaces and was even known to hiss and lick others as he pretended to be different animals . Those weren 't the kind of deficits that children easily forgave . So , when he recently became friends with a neighborhood boy , I was thrilled . They seemed to bring out the best in one another . They had common interests - - Big Foot and bugs and things of that sort . My son had a twinkle in his eyes that I didn 't often see , and then , unexpectedly , he turned to me and said that he wanted to invite his new friend to our home . Yes , I said to him . Yes , of course he may come to our home . I didn 't hesitate to answer . However , after that , I just froze . A friend . In our home . We didn 't really do that . It 's just that , my older son never had friends . Even at this stage in his life , at twelve years old , he would sometimes react to other children in his small class , but he didn 't play with them . He didn 't walk over to them and motion for them to share with his toys . He didn 't motion for me to invite other children to our home . It took years of work for him to get to the stage of even tolerating other children in the same room with him - - other children , with their loud noises and unpredictable actions . I 'm grateful that he can enjoy a moment or two with his peers . Thank you medication and maturity . And so it has been left to my younger son to blaze the social trail in our home . You know , the shark boy . The licker . The boy who is also school phobic and receiving his classes at home . Our social calendar has had cobwebs on it for a little while . We 'd simply been tackling larger issues until , WHAMO , our family 's social event of the year sneaked up and sucker punched me . I barely had recovery time when I was forced to look into the excited eyes of my son , who was waiting for my answer . HOLY BLEEP ! My mind went into overdrive as it started going through the overwhelming list of problems that were naturally coupled with letting a non - family member through the threshold of our front door : How bad is the pile of clean laundry that was in the living room ? How long will it take for me to tackle that mountain of dishes in the kitchen sink ? Were the dirty clothes still lying on the basement stairs , you know , that third stop on its long trek from our upstairs bathroom down to the basement laundry room ? Ohhhh , boy , that was when my cheeks burned as I realized that I really could not remember where I 'd thrown my spare bra the night before while rejoicing at the realization that I could finally , finally - - THANK YOU THERE IS INDEED MERCY IN THIS WORLD - - finally go to sleep at the end of the long day . Whatever . I would make it work . Besides , they were boys . Boys didn 't care about things like dirty dishes when there were cool things sitting on the counter next to those dishes like tanks of tadpoles , fish and a gecko . Then I stopped myself . At ten and twelve years of age , the boys wouldn 't call it a ' playdate ' , right ? Good gosh ! This household had no idea how to have friends ! I couldn 't remember the last time I brought my son and a friend over to our house to play - - or to ' hang out ' . . . or , whatever . I was sure that it had been years - - long enough ago that I had to facilitate . But these boys weren 't little . My jumping into their space would be an insult . Who was I kidding ? I was totally looking at them . And , it seemed to be going okay . It really did . They grabbed the tadpoles in our tank , and they held the gecko . They checked out the giant snails that were slurping the algae on the sides of our fish tank . Once they moved to their favorite nature show to delight over the python barfing up its recently consumed chicken , I smugly admitted to myself that we absolutely had the coolest place in town . I no longer needed to pretend not to look , I thought , because we rocked . We simply rocked , and this playdate , um , er , uh . . . this time to ' hang out ' . . . was running itself . And that was when I heard it . Outside . He meant that place on the other side of our kitchen door . The place with no air conditioning . Where the weeds grew . Where the neighbor boy thankfully mowed once a week . That place . Oh . Well . Nobody really went out there . It was the land where nothing had worked . Motor planning had never worked . Help from therapists had never worked . My bright ideas to teach play had never worked . Our landscaping ? Pffft . Never worked . And , my dreams of watching my children run happily while having friends over during glamorous cook outs , well , those had never worked . I watched the two new friends as they walked outside to that land where things never worked , and they stood , unsure of themselves in their bodies , their new friendship and that strange environment . They opted for two tire swings that I had mounted myself from the massive maple that stood near my kitchen window . I was sure it would see years of summer fun from my boys . Soon , Friend jumped down from the swing and looked around . From the kitchen window , I looked with him . My eyes became those of a twelve - year - old boy 's , and I mentally wandered the yard with him past the quiet see - saw and the small jungle gym , beyond the sandbox with plastic animals . There was a smattering of punctured inflatable toys lying lifelessly around the yard , a graveyard of carcasses left to their fate . Unprepared . That is how I felt for this new stage of life . Both my son and I we not practiced in something seemingly so simple to the rest of the world as having friends . Those driving by this house just see our peeling paint and poor landscaping . Inside these walls , the ones I rarely leave , we 've worked on tying shoes for ten years . And brushing teeth . And how to sit . I guess we are still working on those . Our yard wasn 't just a graveyard for dead inflatable toys . In lots of ways , it was also a representation both of a life gone by and a life never lived . Toys never used , toys under - used and toys forgotten . It was a physical representation of our mental state , and , watching my younger son as he twirled himself sick on his tire swing , I felt a pull to not let it define his future efforts as well . It wasn 't perfect , but it was better than our yard . " Dude ! " I heard my son say for perhaps the first time in my life as the happily ran through the door . " Do you want to come to my room ? " I sat beside him on the edge of his bed this morning , lingering . I sat , and I looked at him , my older son . I looked at him , although I suspected that he would not return my gaze . He had stopped doing that recently . Over and over again , he shook and he shook . He shook that hand as though he was trying to fling from his fingers something that was sticky and stubborn . He shook . Quickly . Purposefully . Then stiffly and awkwardly . At times , he would stop , frozen in his space . And then , I could see the expression in his eyes . His thoughts had changed . It looked as thought he was thinking about shaking that hand . Perhaps ? Yes , certainly , the intent was there . Yet , somewhere along the long neuro - pathway that wound its way from his brain to his lower arm and wrist and hand , intention alone lost the ability to life and shake his muscles . Instead , unexpectedly , his legs stiffened , and he fell to the side . I lunged for him and caught him in my arms . It wasn 't long before not only that one hand but his entire body began to shake . He was having a seizure . For not the first time since becoming a parent , I held my child as he shook , protecting his head from injury . There . In the quiet of his room while the rest of the house lie sleeping unsuspectingly , my older son and I were at the mercy of his epilepsy . We were waiting out the storm of just one of the special needs that had been dealt to this household . Leaving his room , I closed the door and stopped , standing still in the hallway outside of his room . I immediately drew in a deep breath , holding it for a short while , and when I exhaled , I listened to the silence of my sleeping household . Perhaps I could sneak a few minutes of rest before the rest of the day unfolded , I thought . I climbed in bed , closed my eyes and thought of far away places . By comparison , this seizure was not as large as some of his others . I sought solace in that fact ; however , in the days that followed , I saw him struggle to pull even his common words from his brain . He would look at me . He would try , but he just couldn 't do it . For some reason , it is the after effects of a seizure in my son that affect me worse than the seizure itself . I can 't explain why . I 'm not scared or upset when I see him seize . After all , I 've seen him through a lot of things during his life . This is just another . Different , perhaps , but still the same . Yet , when the emergency is over and life continues , it is when I see his body still suffering from the upset that has happened in his brain , when I see the halting movements and the loss of skills that were so hard to acquire to begin with . . . it is then that my blood races . I see unnatural movements , and my heart jumps . I catch my breath . I fear that slippery slope . I think most special needs parents at any given time feel that they live at the top of a slippery slope . Or , perhaps , it is the good day that they are at the top . Maybe most of the time , they spend their days slowly slipping down or climbing back up from a regression . Epilepsy is fairly new to my older son , but when it hit him , it hit him hard . I guess I fear the fast fall down that slope . I hope that it never happens , yet the realist in me must always prepare for the possibility that it might . He asked me why he couldn 't talk . I really wasn 't prepared for that . Actually , I wasn 't prepared for that at all . The boys were home . They were rowdy , and I decided that we needed some structure , some teaching time , perhaps . Only , I 'm not really a teacher , I just play one when I 'm at home with them . After years of watching the boys in countless hours of therapy sessions , a mother tends to pick up a thing or two , and I have asked my share of questions , too . I 'm not a bad fake educator . In fact , I can be quite a good one . Those simple questions that come from a mind that is largely intact and untapped seem to rock my world the most . Most of the time , I 'm unaware of how much he really knows . Most of the time , with his vocal stims and his ticks and postures , he looks as though he doesn 't know as much as he really knows . But , then , he 'll show you that he knows not only things but things and so much more ! That is when I struggle to make nice with reality . How can I just gloss over what he lives with on a daily basis ? I can 't . Because it is right there . In front of me . Put into terms that I understand . I am blessed with a very good natured son . His smile carries with it the warmth of the sun . Often , if we don 't understand him . . . meh . . . he 'll move on to something else . He 's good like that . I guess this is why I don 't wake every day feeling anger in my heart . I guess this is why the harshness of his reality doesn 't smack me in my face every single day of his life . We are fighting for his future but we are loving who he is today . Anger is not a part of me . I am not a bitter person . I do not cry for the loss of a child that never was . Not now , anyway . In front of me is the child that I have . He is such a great kid . He has these beautiful blue eyes , ones that have always been filled with curiosity . And , on that particular day , even though his hands were moving about and his voice was stimming , even though it looked as though he was not paying attention to me , he was , indeed , very focused . I saw those blue eyes looking intently on our answer cards . My heart dropped . It was a day that I wish I carried a true - to - life educator in my pocket . One that had all the answers . One that could wave her magic teacher 's degree and say the right words to him so that he could understand and be okay with why he is different in that way . I wanted someone with me that could take away the pain - - if , indeed , he felt any pain . Do you think that he did ? Do you ? I know that I did . I felt pain . I felt sorrow . I felt so darned mad and cheated for him that I wanted to scream ! I had no good explanation . I wanted one . Oh , how I really , really wanted one . I tried , but it didn 't work . He still didn 't really understand , and we both left the conversation empty . I felt as though I had let him down . I felt as though everything in his life had let him down . " Tickle me , " I heard him say to me from behind my shoulder . And , it was all so innocent , too . What I would love to say is that it happened while I was participating in some extreme sport , something daring . But it didn 't . In fact , I was just . . . standing . That 's all . You know you are old when you can hurt your neck simply standing . It entered my home uninvited , after all , and , there I stood ready to leave . I didn 't ask it to come in . Certainly , the screaming 9 - year - old next to me did not enjoy its presence . It needed to leave . " It 's a BEE ! " my younger son screamed , as if I didn 't already know that . " What do I do ? What do I do ? What do I do ? " What was I to do ? I 'd lost the darned thing . " Mama ! A BEE ! A BEE ! A BEE ! " he screamed like a girl . He was a man - - a boy really - - one that made me realize that I wasn 't so young any more . I realized this because , despite the fact that my hair was pulled back into this cute little ponytail and that I was wearing skinny jeans , Jeff , this man - boy , looked like a baby to me . How could he be old enough to have gained the education needed to be my technician ? I guarantee that he missed the entire 1980s . I guarantee it . So Jeff , my new best friend , guided me to the throne where the imaging would take place , talking to me as I followed timidly behind . Dressed in an open hospital gown and strange footie socks , I felt exposed . I kind of wanted my clothes back . " This machine is very loud , " he said while helping me onto the table and placing a set of soft earplugs into my ears . " Try not to get nervous . I 'll place this ball into your hand so that you can squeeze it . That will keep you calm " I looked at the machine , large and round . My perch completely prepared to be encapsulated in the impressive machinery . " So , people really freak out in this thing ? " I asked in response to his precautions . " On a daily basis , " my man - boy said . " Please , don 't worry . I 'll be here to talk to you . Squeeze the ball . Listen to my voice . You will get through it . " Well , Jeff , okay . If you say so . I was certainly out of my element . He might have been a mere child in my eyes , but he had to have some training to be in this lab . I opted to listen to him . Dutifully , I reclined into position . I lay still , and I looked around me as my throne moved me backwards into the machine . It was a small capsule , tight - fitting and round . With the ear plugs in my ears , noise was muffled . " Try not to move , " I heard from . . . well , I don 't know from where . It was my man - boy , Jeff . He had a secret connection into my capsule . He could talk to me , but I didn 't know how . That 's right . I was lying down , inside that capsule of a machine , and I had been ordered to not move . I had actually been ordered to lie down inside that machine , the machine that envelope me , that protected me from the chaos of life . And , there , I began to think , what would happen if my kids walked in right now ? Well , you all read it : Jeff said that I had to lie still . I had to be still . Inside this machine . If my kids walked into that room for some impossible reason , well , I 'm sorry , it would simply not be my problem . Whatever plugs became unplugged and whatever machines became reprogrammed . . . whatever person became held hostage to a reptile monologue , whatever vacuum cleaner was suddenly pulled out from nowhere but was now running full tilt in the room . . . . . . I 'm sorry , that just would not be my problem . ' Cause at that point in time my man - boy Jeff told me that I was not allowed to move within my new cocoon . I had ear plugs in my ears . And , the test had started . I don 't know . I mean , my man - boy Jeff ordered me to lie down inside of this machine . I was at his mercy . At the moment , I was not a mom . I was a patient told to lie still . I had ear plugs in my ears , and , well , this didn 't seem too loud . With at least 30 minutes on my hands , I did what any special needs mom in my slipper socks and hospital gown would do . I fell asleep . Yes . Yes I did . " I 'm sorry , " there was Jeff 's voice again , " but your arm just twitched . We 'll have to do that test over again . It will take an additional ten minutes . I know it is very difficult to lie still . " Yes , Jeff . Yes it is . That is because I am falling asleep . What else is difficult is when your voice appears out of nowhere and interrupts that cycle . Could you please try not to do that ? " Oh , dear , there was that twitch again , " I heard from Jeff . " I 'm sure that you are nervous . We will need to add another ten minutes to the procedure and do this test again . " I frankly don 't even remember the last test . I don 't know if my arm twitched . I don 't know if my friend Jeff finally gave up on me or not . I was out like a light in ear plugs , white noise and a place where nobody could touch me . I parted ways with Jeff , thanking him for his close attention to my well - being and happily switched into my street clothes . By the time I made my way into the parking lot of the imaging lab , the sun was bright in the sky . People were rushing about , anxious to start their days . It was just a couple hours earlier that I , too , had started my day anxious to get to my destination . I had prepped our kitchen with our older son 's lunch and snack bags , special food items and notes on how to cook for him . Medicines were prepared . I had notes everywhere - - mornings in this house aren 't for sissies . I rushed into that imaging lab to beat the clock , and here I am refreshed from my secret nap . The clock doesn 't seem to matter so much right now . If only it could be that way all the time . I smiled and slowly walked to the car . Little Brother was waiting for me at home . We had a full day of home school today . Onward and Upward , my Friends ! Growing up beside of him , with his ever - present smile and cheerful laughter was Little Brother . When I think of Little Brother , I remember that , half his life ago , my parents and I flew him across the country for surgery to reposition his left arm . That surgery was the journey of his young life . These are young lives . This is their childhood . These will be their memories . Half my life ago , when I quit following my dream because I thought I didn 't have what it took to succeed , perhaps there was different course work I needed to learn in order to fulfill that dream in a different manner . His eyes always carried with them a far away look , as if he were lost , deep in thought . I watched him , our older son . He was just two years old . Oh , how much I watched him , wondering what it would take to free him from his trance . Try as I may , I never could . " I think he ate some gluten last night , " I would offer visitors to our home by way of explanation for his actions . They would watch his far away gaze with dissecting eyes . Never did I chalk his behavior up to autism , although he was already diagnosed . Never , ever did I leave him alone to stare off into the distance . I knew that he was in there . I knew it . I felt it . I had seen it during his moments of clarity and connectivity . He was so smart . He was capable . He could do this . He could do everything the therapists were asking him to do and more . But , just when I thought he was about to do it , he 'd turn his head and stare off to a distant land . Somewhere I did not know . Somewhere I could not reach . My heart would fall . It must have broken a million times over in those days . For , each day I woke , positive that day would be the day - - the day our son would break through his autism - - and that day , as with every day , he would eventually turn his head and stare off to some unknown destination . What did he see ? What was he thinking ? How I wished that some way , some how he could give me even the slightest clue as to what was drawing him away from us . Years later and immune to his staring - - was it better ? I wasn 't quite sure - - I found myself left on single parent duty while my husband was out of town for work . By day 's end , I was happy to close the bedroom doors to each child 's room knowing they were happy , comfortable and that I was heading to the quiet couch for some hard - earned relaxation . Touche , my Little Men . Touche . And so it was , on the tiled floor of that downstairs bathroom , that I was reminded of a few things : Flushed bubbles multiply , paper towels are useless , and , yippee , our respite worker had left for me his copy of " Temple Grandin " , the 2010 biopic about the famed autistic woman and how she first overcame her every day struggles to earn her education . Not one to enjoy immersing my leisure time in autism , I usually preferred to stare blankly at the television , or at a spot on the wall when I found myself with free time on my hands . Sometimes , I did nothing in particular at all . At the end of my day , I had often felt as though I had witnessed a war of sorts , and reliving that war during my recovery period was not my idea of fun . So , why did I do it ? I don 't know . Curiosity propelled me to turn it on , I suppose . Seated on my couch , my dog on one side and a glass of wine in my hand , I settled into the movie , unsure of whether I could truly last until the very end . Struggle . How could I watch yet another person with autism struggle to live in a world where everything around her is so very offensive ? That 's when I saw it . The blank stare . The scene showed a young Temple Grandin , staring off to an unknown place . I knew that look . I knew that child . As I watched the movie , I saw in place of the young girl my own son , and I started to understand . Even when we all think that the world around us is still , all is not still - - not to the autistic mind . As I watched what I already thought I knew , I became hyper - aware of all that I took for granted . Every sight , sound , touch , and smell that I move on from without a second thought . Things that could stop our son in tracks . " Perhaps his stomach hurts and he can 't tell us ? It is so hard to concentrate on speech when there is stomach pain , " I had suggested on more than one occasion during that time . How little I actually knew about the one thing I thought I knew the most . The next morning I rushed about to wake , medicate , feed and dress him in time for his morning bus . Pre - teens are so apathetic to the bus deadline in the morning . Mamamommy was pressed for time . It felt as though I pushed , prodded , ordered and flat - out demanded of him the entire time we spent together before I was to walk him out of our front door . " Come on , Buddy ! " I begged him when he dug in his heels at the threshold of our doorway . There he stood , looking into the driveway where the bus sat . He was in no hurry to move . His slow gear was frustrating to me . I simply wanted to get this process going , but , just as I was ready to scold him , something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye . The red flashing light of the bus right above its ' Stop ' sign was flashing . I took in the environment a little longer and noticed that the bus was beeping to warn to those around it of walking students . The exhaust was terribly loud , and , in the background of all this was the sound of morning traffic . There was a lot to take in , and that was when I noticed that I , too , was staring off as if to a distant land , right there along with our son . However , I now realize that the land wasn 't that distant at all . It was the same land that everyone else shared . We were just viewing it through a different , more detailed lens . We were in the family room of our home with our heads hanging over a trash can , and this child was on the cusp of an anxiety attack . Parents hate when their children are sick , it 's true . Me ? I absolutely dread it when our kids are sick , not just because of their general discomfort but also for the added discomfort that comes along with the sensory dysfunction and communication gaps courtesy of autism . Little Brother has sensory aversions to the textures of things that he puts in his mouth . He won 't eat mashed potatoes . He 's the only child I know that won 't eat macaroni and cheese . Forget about spaghetti and don 't you even think about putting sauce on his pizza . " But what if I puke and the puke makes me puke moo - oore ? " he whined to me . " I can 't . I just can 't handle it . " I personally do not understand these kinds of anxiety attacks . I do not worry to this degree ; however , what I do know is the manner in which a thought can strike pure fear in our child , take hold of him and render him crippled in a shockingly short amount of time . While he hovered above the trash can , my goal was to talk him down from that proverbial ledge . The last thing we needed was for him to be puking and freaking out . The potential of that situation was downright ghastly . " Ewww ! " he said with dread . " You aren 't going to give me that colored medicine , are you ? I hate that medicine . I don 't like it . I don 't want to take it . I don 't . " I hated that . I just hated that . It made me go into drill sergeant mode . No kid of mine was going to wear his pants up and into his armpits whining about the taste of a cap full of medicine . He 's such a good kid . Really . He really is . He 's a people pleaser , which tends to increase his anxiety all the more because he doesn 't want to make his true feelings known for fear that he will upset someone . So , as he was ordered , he " knocked it back " . And , in a matter of a minute , he promptly barfed it all over his shirt . I guess I should also mention that our younger son has sensory aversions to strong tastes , and , for the most part , by " strong " I mean anything other than bland . If he food has even a speckle or two of black pepper in it , he has to grab a large glass of water to drink , and he will force it down , fanning his mouth as though he had swallowed a mouthful of Habaneros . When he vomited that medicine back upon himself , my instinct was shock and frustration . I shouted his name . I asked why he did that . I took off his shirt and directed him to the bathroom where he could promptly clean himself . And , while he was there , I had a moment to reflect , and I realized , geez , it isn 't as thought the child wanted to vomit . He had a genuine problem , and the one person who is supposed to be there for him the most just criticized him . When he returned , I apologized to him , explaining that I didn 't think about his sensory needs . " But , you kind of yelled , " he said . " You acted frustrated and asked why I did that . " He looked embarrassed . I felt horrible . No matter how many times I understand it and say it , the fact still remains that my brain is not autistic . I do not instinctively think the way that an autist would . " The problem was not yours , " I told him . " The problem was mine . It was my fault that I didn 't think about the fact that strong tastes truly bother you . I thought that you were being wimpy . " This felt good . It felt right . Yes . I was feeling enlightened . Yet , as I turned to find another form of medicine to ease our son 's congested lungs , I saw him standing , just standing there , beside me with a look on his face as if he were in an unfamiliar building with no idea of what direction to take . He looked at me the way people looked at him . Son of a gun ! My thinking was as foreign to him as his was to me ! As the idea washed over me , I just wanted to scoop up our child and hug him . I felt so sorry for the sea of uncertainty in which he must swim nearly all day long . No wonder he wanted to become lost in his legos . Legos are easy to figure out . People , well , that 's a completely different story . I didn 't hug him . He doesn 't much like that . But I did explain to him that I did not have autism . I did explain to him that my brain does not think like his and that I do not have the sensory aversions that he has . He needed to learn not only how his brain worked but how my brain worked also , because , ultimately , this would be the only way he would learn to navigate society as a grown man . Sometimes I look at these kids and think , goodness , they have a lot to learn still . Then , I think , goodness , I 'm the one who has to teach them ! Sigh . It 's a steep , daunting learning curve . " So , Mama ? " he asked me later after we 'd gone back to our normal routine . He was settled on his sick bed watching television . " Since you don 't have the sensory problems that I do , does that mean that the feeling of barf doesn 't make you barf ? " Many years ago , I sat in the small blue room that was once our family room . Far from spacious , the room felt even smaller due to the presence of large plastic toys that were scattered about . We had two toddlers in the house . Little Brother was approaching three , and we had yet to discover signs of autism in him . Chatty and agreeable , his head covered with golden curls , he seemed to enjoy the constant buzz of therapy in our home . At that time , Big Brother was not quite five . It had been nearly three years since he had been diagnosed with autism and entered the state 's Early Intervention program . Yet , despite our tireless efforts with him all day long , day in and day out , his autism had only blossomed as he had grown . In our small family room on that bright , sunny afternoon , both of our sons were conducting full - blown tantrums . It was summer " vacation " time , you see . There was not a therapist in sight . I was alone without my support system , and our two children were having nuclear melt - downs all because of the darned television . On the most basic level , our older son required so much from us . He moved simply all day long . He slept but three hours a night , a period of time that was broken down into twenty - minute cat naps . By sunrise each day , he was awake and ready to leave the house . He wanted to move . He wanted out . He wanted to go , go , GO ! I did not know that he was in flight mode , scared by sensory overload , afraid of absolutely everything around him . I just knew that he never stopped moving , never stopped crying and never failed to vomit his food onto every outfit that I wore . You bet I turned to the television for help . I didn 't care if the programming was aimed to build his brain cells or to suck them out , I would have played anything on that television that caught his attention . I would have played it continually , so that I could have sat down on the couch . I probably would have had a good long cry and then slept for as long as I dared . No , I 'm not one bit ashamed to admit that I yearned to find eye candy for my son from the Old Boob Tube in those days . I wanted a visual babysitter . We purchased a library of entertainment DVDs in an attempt to foster his interest in television . And , when he began therapy , we even purchased sign language and vocabulary DVDs - - anything to help move his development along . Nothing seemed to grab his attention . In fact , we couldn 't even get him to stay in the same room with the TV . Soon , Little Brother developed into his own person , and , well , it seemed that he actually did not mind the television so much . Television made him smile . I found that to be simply adorable . He would laugh at the characters on the TV , dance around the room in delight and interact with the program . To have a child in our household delight in television was a novel experience - - both for that child and for his parents . " Mister ( using all of his names ) , your brother is allowed to watch TV ! ! " I scolded our older son . " You do not own everything in this home ! " That 's when it hit me : The dishwasher . The microwave . The baby monitors that we used in the upstairs bedrooms . The hairdryers . The laundry machines and countless other household items . He turned all of them off as well . She was right . I walked into the family room and turned on our television set . To me , it sounded like any normal TV . There was no offensive static . No ringing . No extraneous hum . Nothing . Whatever he heard from it that was so bothersome was lost on me , and , I then realized just how much about autism , also , was lost on me . In those early days , the learning curve was large , and I felt the responsibility of every last bit of it . This is how I found myself in the small blue family room of our home that sunny day during summer " vacation " when both of the boys were throwing tantrums over the television set . I was told to work on desensitizing our older son to the sounds that offended him around the home . He needed to learn to live and cope with these sounds so that he could better live in our world . And , the first battle , on behalf of Little Brother , was the television , so that Little Brother could enjoy the right to watch a television program in peace . We sat there during summer " vacation " , and we started slowly . For two minutes the TV would be on . Then , for two minutes the TV would be off . Two minutes on . Two minutes off . When this routine became predictable and comfortable to both , I would slowly increase the intervals . One child wanted the TV . One child could not tolerate the TV no matter where in the house he stood . I wondered how a family with autism ever functioned in the world with out going completely insane ? We seemingly could not even learn even the most basic of things . Today , I look back on those times with greater understanding . The first is that I was dealing with not one but two children with autism . Processing , aversions and transition difficulty ran abound on levels that I did not even understand at the time ; however , beyond that , I am now able to appreciate the journey at this stage on our path . Who knew that some people with autism have to learn to appreciate a television set ? So long ago , I surely did not ! Our older son did . Just as we had to teach him to tolerate tooth brushing and haircuts and how we are still teaching him to keep his clothes on if they get wet . The journey is long , and too many times along the way I have wanted to lie down along the path with my tantruming kids and forget about it all . The early days are the hardest for this reason . For my family , nearly twelve years into life with autism , time has been on our side . Now , every once in a while , I am able to look back and appreciate how far we have come . He asked me why he couldn 't talk . I really wasn 't prepared for that . Actually , I wasn 't prepared for that at all . The day . . . Boy , did I hurt my neck . And , it was all so innocent , too . What I would love to say is that it happened while I was participating in some . . . His eyes always carried with them a far away look , as if he were lost , deep in thought . I watched him , our older son . He was just two year . . . Amy McMunn I am a typical mom thrown into an atypical life of parenting two children with special needs . Life runs full speed ahead in our house , so if you dare to visit , be sure to bring solid running shoes , a flexible attitude and , above all else , a sense of humor . You never know what the day will bring .
|
I 've noticed that I 've really sort of stepped out of the shadow of cancer . I don 't think about it much . I 'm busy and active . I don 't know when it happened , but it did . I 'm glad , because I did not know if I would ever get past all that : Thinking about it . Wondering if the cancer was going to come back . A self consciousness remains about how I look , but I 've always been self conscious about how I look , so I 'm not all that sure that I can blame that one on cancer . This is breast cancer awareness month , and my inbox is heavy with requests from businesses who want me to post a link on my blog to their various ' pink ribbon ' campaigns . Some of them are downright exploitive , in my mind . Others , well , maybe not so much , but since I 'm not , for instance , a NASCAR fan , I would feel kind of stupid posting a link for their initiative . I 'm sure there are fans out there who have dealt with this , and will post their link with a lot of enthusiasm and hype , and that is what it deserves . It 's a nice little plan to charge five dollars a person to post the names of people who have dealt with breast cancer , and the car will be raced for the month of October . The money will be donated . In addition to those reminders , I 've written next week 's column . It 's about October being Breast Cancer Awareness month , a brief summation of having life interrupted by breast cancer , but then slowly finding yourself being drawn once again into the current of life . When I was done with that , I worked a little on those presentations . I 've got three of them , each one with an alloted talk time of one hour and 45 minutes . I 'm a blabber , don 't get me wrong , but man . That 's a lot of talking . I went through a few more blog posts . I also did an interview with another blogger . Her sister died of breast cancer , and she is ' spotlighting ' bloggers who have dealt with the issue . Her aim was to remind women of the importance of regular exams . All this looking back . You know , for a time , I could not see past the next chemo or the next radiation , and then I went through the phPosted by Tim 's a pretty laid back character , and he seldom has any objections to what I write about . He doesn 't want me to write about this though , and out of respect for him , I will not . Many breast cancer ' patients ' take medication following chemo and radiation . These drugs come with a myriad of side effects . Bone pain is one of them , and it has been a challenge to me . But there is another one that affects not only me , but my husband as well . This side effect has been a difficult adjustment for us , and for our marriage . What I have lost interest in , well , my husband has not . Reading about this , I am surprised to find that the overwhelming majority of women seem to believe that if the woman has lost interest , well , her partner must simply do without , or be labeled as ' insensitive ' . * blink * I don 't believe that . Number 1 ) I appreciate that my husband still sees me as a desirable woman , even if I don 't feel like a desirable woman . Number 2 ) Marriage is a partnership . My feelings are never more important than his feelings . Number 3 ) I 'm expecting that in three years and seven months ( but who 's counting ) things will go back to the way it 's always been . In the meantime , I accomodate . Willingly . I do not feel degraded , nor do I feel that my husband is insensitive . I guess you can call us ' a purpose driven marriage ' . Our story has always begun with ' It is not about me . ' Your thoughts ? Tim ? I didn 't write about it . Well . Not much anyway . As we move into autumn , it 's getting daylight later and later . Right now the rain is pattering on the roof . It is too warm to fire up the woodstove , but the propane heater ticks beside me . Everything is so warm and cozy that I am having a hard time motivating . I bought one of those wheeled book bags . I 've been toting everything in multiple bags and a back pack because I have so many books . It was getting hard to be organized . You know what I love best about school ? Just talking to people . Remember Mr . Ammo on his Wrist guy ? His real name is Bill . He 's got a keen sharp intelligence to him . He had to debate prostitution . The bad thing is that he had to be prepared to argue pro AND con , because he didn 't know which side he was going to be assigned . He said , " Can I ask you a question ? " and we had quite an interesting discussion on it . I like that . I like being a part of things . I am a smart woman . I have always known this , but it 's always been a bit of a nuisance . Sometimes it seems like I do not ' fit ' anywhere . A couple Thursdays ago , when I was sick and missed a day ? Students came up and said , " We missed you . Class was boring without you . " These may sound like little things , the fact that a student asks my opinion , or that other students might miss my presence in the classroom . Or that a teacher waits for me to gather my stuff and we walk out together talking . But it feels like a big deal . It makes me feel like , for the first time in my life , I fit where I am . Perfectly . I fit at school . I fit at my job . I fit at home with my husband . I fit . It 's a very nice feeling . I 've been asked to do three presentations for the teachers of our county . So I worked a little bit on that over the weekend . I was asked to speak on breast cancer / wellness The two year anniversary of the discovery of that lump passed on Sunday . It was a strange day . You can 't help but look back . At the same time , writing about the experiences seemed strange , like I was writing about something that happened to someone else . I am a humorist , primarily , but Posted by I was at the Tractor Supply opening up cases of suet . It 's on sale 12 for $ 10 , so it 's been flying out the door like crazy . Can barely keep up with it . In any case , I 'm working away . A woman comes up and asks me about a rabbit cage . Is it the only one we have ? I see that the metal slide out tray has been banged in and bent . It turns out that it is the only one we have , but I tell them that the manager said that they could have it for $ 25 . and point out that the metal tray is made of tin and could be straightened out easily with some pliers . About then , their daughter , maybe 9 years old , begins to take a fit . She 's crying because she does not want that small cage for her bunny . Her parents try to debate it , but she 's adamant . She wants a bigger cage . Mentally , I 'm rooting for the kid . Until I hear that this bunny is a bunny who lives in the lap of luxury . He is house broken and has the run of the house . He only goes in a cage when no one is home , for his own safety , rabbits being real chewers . Additionally , he has a second larger cage . This one is merely the one that will be in the little girl 's room , the cage that he will use at night to sleep in . This cage is probably 2 ' by 3 ' . So I look at this little girl , so emotionally overwrought , and I tell her that she has a very good heart , and that I love to see someone who takes good care of her animals . But I also point out that in the wild , rabbits go into very enclosed burrows to sleep , that it makes them feel secure and safe from predators , that this is their nature . The little girl takes this in very seriously . I tell her , " You know , you can test that yourself . Put a box in his cage and watch . And I will bet you that when he is put in his cage , he chooses to go into it , into an even smaller space to sleep . It is a protective instinct that many small animals have . " I then told them to think it over , and I 'd go back to my suet , and to just stop by and let me know if they didn 't want the cage so that I could put it back up on the shelf . Before too long , the three of thePosted by I really like working at Tractor Supply . The people are great and fun to work with . Last night we were working hard , and very close to making bonus . So very close . I said , " Can we keep the store open a little late ? " and the manager said , " Oh , yeah . We 're staying open . " We did it . We made bonus . It was a great moment to stand out in front of the store high fiving each other . I like the camaraderie there a lot . I like the customers too . An older guy came in today . He wore a shirt emblazoned with ' bad ass ' . He looked like a pretty rough character . He was in to buy some welding supplies for his neighbor . He talked about how much he respected that neighbor , paralyzed from the chest down , but a worker , out using a log splitter to split his wood , and welding . Said the guy had changed his own oil that morning . The man shook his head in amazement . I said , " You know , you don 't see many like that these days , " and the guy said , " You 're right . " He seemed loathe to go . Visited a little , still holding his bag . Out of the blue , he said , " I 'm having an awful time . I had to have my dog put to sleep yesterday , and I can 't be in my house right now . Everything reminds me that my dog isn 't there . " Right away , I thought of my Buck . " It 's a hard thing , " I said . " Even when it 's the right thing , it 's still awfully hard . " And much to my surprise , his eyes got red , and two fat tears trickled down his bearded face . " I told my wife , I just got to be away from the house for a little bit . " I commiserated with him , and because I 'm a sap , I got all teary eyed for him too . A couple guys came up and he left , quickly . Probably embarrassed to be seen in public with tears in his eyes . The two new customers looked at me surprised as I quickly wiped my own eyes . I said , " Gees . I 'm crying over somebody else 's dog . Aren 't I the biggest mess ? " I shot them a look . " You 're not going to make me cry , are you ? " and they laughed . Business went on as normal , but later , when things quieted down again , I thought how nice it is to know that there are tenderhearted pePosted by My blog has been sort of left to its own devices lately . I 've been very busy with school . I 've been doing a lot of writing , a whole lot of writing . I 've actually begun to get a bit ' ahead ' on my writing assignments . A six page report for OT . A six page report for English Comp all in the same week . A history project , with power point presentation . Trying to keep up with my regular writing assignments . Meanwhile , I 'm still trying to stay on top of my reading and other things . I 've got so many books this time around . Sometimes , when I lay in bed at night , my mind spinning around with all that I 've got to do , I find myself getting scared . It 's impossible , I think . I can 't keep up . But on the heels of that , I find myself realizing that I am . I 've adopted the motto , ' Keep your head down and work like crazy . ' I love my classes , and let me tell you something that I have discovered . I was sitting in class early on , and I listened to the teachers telling us about what occupational therapy is . Isn 't that funny ? I had a vague idea , but the reason that I chose this class is because my friend Mary pointed out that they were always advertising for occupational therapists in the paper . I began to look , and she was right . I noticed that most of these places offered money for your continuing education credits , and I liked the idea that I could go on taking classes part time , and be reimbursed . So I signed up for Occupational Therapy , because I wanted a good steady job with benefits . There you have it . That 's why I am where I am . In any case , in the beginning of the classes , as I said , we heard a lot about what it is to be an occupational therapist . As I listened , I was amazed to realize that I 've done occupational therapy . I didn 't realize it , but I have . I lived in Michigan in the late eighties and the first half of the nineties , and I took care of a gentleman . His name was Mike . He 'd had a stroke . He was a naturalist , and a chemist , and a golfer , a father , a husband , and a social person , but this stroke had been a bad one , and he Posted by I 've been reluctantly dragged in to Facebook because it 's the only way to keep up with the relatives scattered from here to kingdom - come . It 's a nice way to keep up with friends that I don 't often get to see . So , I check in regularly , but I can 't say that I 'm enamored with the whole thing . It 's a means to an end , I suppose . That 's all . A couple days ago , my friend Alan put up a comment . He said that he 's learned a great deal from watching Bugs Bunny . Another fellow commented that his favorite was The Road Runner . I made a comment to the effect that he 'd learned from that , too . Unless he was currently dangling from the jaws of a coyote . Guy flipped a gasket . Felt that he 'd been ' slammed ' . " Uh . No , " I messaged back . " I don 't believe in that . It was meant as a joke , sorry for any offense . " I guess that 's what happens though . You don 't know who 's on line . You don 't know how your comments will be taken . I guess that is the thing that makes me uncomfortable with facebook , all the strangers lurking about . If I don 't actually ' know ' the person who 's requesting to be my friend , I don 't accept the friend request . It makes me feel a little guilty , but hey . It 's how I roll . I 've recently had the ' opportunity ' to watch facebook wielded as a weapon . An acquaintance sent me a friend request some time ago , and I agreed to it . Tim worked with her husband , I knew her from church . We both know her in - laws . Always visited with her a little when we saw her at the Walmart . Now the marriage is over . Or at least headed that way . She 's posted some pretty shocking pictures of herself on line . I 'd call them soft porn , to be frank . A recent posting stunned me . She 's getting bored with the subject of Ted Bundy , and was looking for the name of another killer / rapist from Canada . The most recent conversation hinted at a very good and intimate time with " ____ " . Immediately , Mr . _______ posted , using his own name and saying how fine it had all been . His ex - girlfriend commented , hurt and angry . He taunted her with the relationship . My ' facebook friePosted by Today was one big rush . I headed out the door early to give myself extra time to study in the library . The test went well , I think , unless I goofed something up . Then I headed down for the library to write my paper for tomorrow 's English comp . I don 't know . It was on euthenasia . MLA referencing is a pain in the hind end . Everyone else in the class seems to be familiar with it . I have no experience with it , none that I remember anyhow . And if I did , it was well before the time of the internet referencing . But the paper is done . I was racing the clock , and finished up at 3 : 30 . I snatched the papers from the printer and sprinted to my car . I had to be to work by 4 . Driving at 35 mph ( the posted speed limit ) through the residential area of Buffalo Rd . , some idiot tailgated me , swinging out as if to pass ( in a no passing lane ) over and over again . I pulled over , he flew past me at well over the speed limit and , I am ashamed to admit it , but I flipped him off . What does God do with people like me ? Really ? And I was ashamed of myself even as I watched him begin to tailgate the next vehicle in front of him , making his own impatient gestures at that person . As I burst through the front doors of the store with one minute to spare , Jessie said , " Jees . You 're always here 15 minutes early . " Yeah , I know , " I said , rushing past the register to the back of the store . Mark and Bob and Dave were talking with Gary , who I don 't really know . He 's back to work after 12 weeks off , for a broken ankle . Mark said , " Wow . You made it . Have you met Gary ? " and I said , " Briefly . Not trying to be rude , but really , I have to pee . " And I went tearing past them . You know , there 's a father , a farmer , who comes into the store , and he generally has a little boy with him , and this little boy stutters something awful , but I am struck always at how patient this dad is . He never gets flustered or impatient . The little boy is a chatterbox , and the father will be visiting with someone , and the little boy will be trying to say something , and the father will liPosted by In English Comp , right next to me sits ' Techno Kid ' . On the other side of him is Ammo on His Wrist guy . Now Techno Kid is thin , intense , long haired , kind of looks like Shaggy on Scooby Doo . He attends college for computer graphics ( is that a degree ? ) I don 't know . He wants to design computer games . So anyway , I was at the library yesterday , trying to get all this information around for a historical overview of the evolution of Occupational Therapy . My group 's era is 1917 to 1929 . We 're looking for the societal , legislative , and medical advances of the times . I was getting frustrated because everything that I typed in led to 127 million hits . " Train at Home for a Rewarding Career " " Become an Occupational Therapist " " Earn Good Money ! " I was starting to grit my teeth a bit . I talked to a librarian , and she showed me one lone reference book sitting on the shelf . The History of Occupational Therapy . It was time for English Comp , so I walked from the library across campus to class . The classroom was empty , but there was a message on our board . " Go to Library , Love , Mrs . Braun . " ( Is that not the cutest thing ? I wanted to take a picture of it , but didn 't have time . I had to walk back across campus to where I 'd just come from . ) I headed down the stairs thinking , ' Gosh . I was sure that she said we were meeting in the classroom first and heading to the library . Unless that 's my Thursday class . We 're also going to the library . Maybe we 're suppose to meet in class first . I know somebody is meeting in the classroom first . . . . ' and at the bottom of the stairs , I see Techno Kid standing at the door with a pained , oh - how - stupid - I - am look on his face . I laughed . " I did the same thing , " I said , and he held the door for me and we headed for the library . On the way over , I asked him about the assignment . He has not begun it either . Like my own essay , his is also in the thinking stage . I 've got two essays , two opposing views . I 'm supposed to research and take another stand . I know what I want to say . The topic is euthanasia . I 've got fouPosted by Here 's a news flash for you . I hate having my picture taken . Hate it . We 're having a new church directory made and they wanted everyone to show up to get their picture taken for it . Did I mention about hating having my picture taken ? So then , I couldn 't make the appointment for the picture until I knew what my work schedule was , and then when I found out what my work schedule was , I forgot to call the secretary and see what appointment times were open , and well , * sigh * long story short , Tim and I were showing up for our picture taking at 9 : 20 PM , after I got off work . After I got out of school . As I was coming down with a cold , and my face hurt , and my eyes were puffy and well . . . you get the picture , right ? ( Pun entirely intended . ) So anyhow , we get our picture taken , and then we have to sit and wait to pick our pose . ( Pose , not Nose ) It wasn 't all bad , because we got to visit with the church secretary , and she 's funny as a hoot . Also glamorous and has never taken a bad picture in her life , I imagine , but I 'm not jealous ( much ) . I love Karen despite her movie star looks . So we 're finally called up there , and I say to that man , in a very matter of fact way , " So you can give us the short version , because we 're not buying any pictures . We 'll just pick the photo for the directory and be on our way . " He says that he needs to give us the schpiel anyway . So I sit myself down and snuffle to myself ( really , colds make me snottier than usual ) , and I 'm kind of listening , while not listening at all . Tim is much better at looking interested when he 's not interested than I am at looking interested when I 'm not interested . But then , surprisingly , I got interested , when the man tells us that there is a ' finish ' that they offer that will remove the lines and blemishes . It will remove the bags under your eyes . It will whiten your teeth . It will even make you look thinner . He showed pictures , and I have to say , the people looked like younger versions of themselves . In fact , if you were a person coming down with a pretty bad cold , feeliPosted by Gosh . Not much to report here . Paper due today . ( check ) Test tomorrow . Paper due Thursday . ( Can 't wait until Friday . ) Might have a couple kids coming home on the weekend . Got asked to do a presentation for our school district 's " Professional Day " . How nice is that ? My cold has finally ' decamped ' . The pleasure of breathing through your nose is vastly underrated . Freight day at the store , last night . You just put your head down and work like crazy . Ike said , " Man , you 're on fire tonight . " I was . I 'm getting to know where everything goes , and if I don 't know , I can figure it out . Was ' talking ' on line , to a friend . He said , " BRB . I got a bear at the window . " It made both Tim and I laugh . Life in the woods . Looks like our television was a one night deal . That was interesting . I wonder what happened . Is it my imagination , or is this just the most boring blog post ever ? It 's not my imagination ? Oh . Let me get ready for school . . . . . jalepeno peppers . Dosage ? Lots of ' em . Eat them until your nose and eyes are running freely . Man . I do feel better . I can breathe through my nose again . My face does not feel too heavy for the front of my head . So . . . . anyone got any suggestions for the chest congestion ? We haven 't had television reception since the great switch to digital last year . We get PBS , but that 's it . We thought about it , but concluded that we did not watch TV enough to warrant getting satellite , and cable is not available back here in the woods . I came home tonight and Tim was sprawled on the couch watching a football game . I 'm kind of slow on the uptake , and I 've got this rotten cold , so it didn 't connect at first , but eventually it came to me . " Wait , " I said . " What happened ? Why are we getting network television . " " I dunno , " he said . " This game is a blowout . Let 's see what else we get . " And there was some movie channel . A movie was beginning . Some sneaky looking guy walked through a dark house past a bunch of butcher knives in a rack on a wall . Then some long legged guy in bell bottoms with long hair walked into his house . There were feathers all over . He looked startled and then raced up a spiral stair case while dramatic music played . He flung open the door and his eyes went wide with horror . . . and then Tim switched the television off . " Well , " I said , " Now , we 'll never know what he saw in that room when he opened the door . " And Tim said , " I don 't care . " Maybe tomorrow , we 'll still have television . Maybe tomorrow there will be more than crap on . Maybe tomorrow I 'll be over this stinking cold . Stay tuned ! The story today is sweet . Two teenaged boys came into the store with their parents . One was tall and gangly and red haired , with a thin face and high cheekbones . His brother was tall too , but his gait was awkward and shambling . When they came to the register , I saw that the dark haired boy was mentally challenged , profoundly so . This was a farm family , and they paid for their purchases . The mother called her husband over to look at a heating stove , and the two teenagers were left at the counter . One boy stood slack jawed and staring vacantly , his shirt front stained with his supper . I looked at him , and I realized that he would have been beautiful if not for the accident of his chromosomes , and because I am a mother , there was a rush of maternal feelings for a child not my own . The red - haired brother pushed the cart forward and turned to his brother . In a tone of the most exquisite tenderness , he said to his brother , " Come on , it 's time to go . " And his brother looked at him , startled almost , and began to follow him in his odd gait . The love in that small scene touched my heart . Today , also , a young girl came in with her father . She got a pair of barn boots . Because I am a horrible blabber , I said , " Well , now you 're ready to go to work ! " in a joking kind of voice . This teenager looked square at me and said , " I don 't work . If I did work , it would be because I chose to , not because somebody bought me a pair of boots and told me to do it . " She snatched her boots off the counter , and marched off . I looked , shocked , at the father . He looked back at me . " Little Miss Attitude , " he said , and I think he was embarrassed . I can 't help but compare those two teenagers , the red haired boy and little Miss Attitude . The only thing that they had in common was their ages . The good news is that I think that this cold is finally winding down . I 'm as glad for that as I can be , but I do have to say , I would have preferred that the thing did not begin to break up while I was running a register at work . It is Brianna 's birthday today , and asPosted by This morning , I slept in . I was so tired yesterday that I actually got nauseous getting ready for school . As I tried to ignore it , it simply got worse , so finally , I went back to bed , hopeful that if I layed down , I 'd feel better in a few minutes . Instead , I fell soundly asleep until after 10 . I putzed around the house half heartedly for the rest of the day , feeling guilty about not being at school , taking frequent breaks and finally , another nap . I made simple french bread pizza for supper , and finally , Tim and I went to church for a Bible study on Daniel . I was a little dismayed to find out that this is going to be a study on the prophesy of Daniel . It is designed to show us all , that no matter what , God 's in charge . I believe that He is . I also believe that God and I have a deal . For the last couple years , I 've been thinking alot about ' end times ' . Mine , but hey , end times are end times , right ? My take on it is that the number of days , well , that 's God 's business . How I spend those days , well that 's MY business . I try hard to spend those days being a good person , kind , and helpful . Praying for others . Putting God in charge of my life . But I really have no interest in trying to decipher prophesy . I mostly don 't like those prophetic interpretations presented as fact . We don 't know . That 's the truth of it . We do not know . We can guess what it means , but when those guesses are being presented as fact , well , it makes me nervous . Very nervous . So , now I 'm in a Bible study that I 'm probably going to want to back out of . I haven 't talked to Tim on it . I was so tired sitting there that I nearly fell asleep listening to Pastor Dave talk . When we got home , I went to bed , at 8 : 30 at night , to read a little ( Blood Done Sign My Name - an interesting account of the Civil Rights Movement in a small southern town through the eyes of a preacher 's son . ) I immersed myself in the thunder of the past even as I averted my eyes , earlier , from the dire storm warnings in our future . I fell asleep once more listening to the comforting sPosted by So today 's story is pretty funny actually . I was at the Tractor Supply and a young man came in . I saw him casting quick looks around , so I walked over and said , " Can I help you ? " and he said , " I 'm looking for summer shirts . Don 't you have a summer shirts on sale ? " " Yes , " I said , ' but they were all marked down in August , so we don 't have a lot of them left at this point . What we 've got , though , is right here , " and I led him to the clearance rack . He found some shirts and came up with three of them and a wallet . He said , " Man , I hate that I missed that sale . I really need summer shirts , " and I said , " Well , next year , just remember to get here in August . " His smile flashed white in his black beard . " I won 't be here , " he said , triumphantly . " Really ? " I said , ringing up his stuff . " Where are you headed ? Down south where it is warm ? " " I 'll say ! " he exclaimed . " I 'm headed for Australia ! " I stopped what I was doing to stare at him . " Really ? Where ? " and he said , " Toowoomba , " and it seemed that he liked the way it rolled off his tongue . " In Queensland , " I said , and it was his turn to stare . " That 's right , " he said . " West of Brisbane , working for a harvesting company . " The Big Smoke . He looked quite interested . " Have you been there ? " he said . " Nope , " I said . " But I 've got friends there , " and I thought about BB and Jeanie , and their lovely mother Anonymous . After he left , I vacuumed , thinking , just the tiniest bit enviously of this young man 's adventure , but mostly thinking this . . . that one day , the Granite Glen gals might be traveling down the bitumen headed for one place or another , and they will pass a young man running a combine , a young man with dark hair and a black beard . They might not give him a second glance , nor he , them . And they will never realize the tie that connects them all from the other side of the world . The internet makes the world a very small place . Cozy even . One of my favorite children 's books of all time is ' Alexander and the Terrible , Horrible , No Good , Very Bad Day . ' The little boy 's refrain through each mishap of his awful day is , " I wanna move to Australia . " It makes me laugh every time that I read it , right up to the final line , " . . . and my mother said , ' Some days are like that . . . even in Australia . ' " Today , I had the opposite of Alexander 's day . So we shall call this ' Debby and the Wonderful , Awesome , Not Bad , Very Good Day ' . Last Thursday , we handed in our first essay in English Composition . It was an argument . I picked two opposing essays , neither of which I thought was completely accurate , and then I took a position in the middle , and provided facts to back that thinking up . The thing was that I wrote it early on , and had nothing to do but ' tweak ' it . Unfortunately , I waited until the last minute to tweak it . And by the time I got around to the tweaking , well , I didn 't like it . I didn 't like it at all . I thought that it ended weakly . My view hadn 't changed at all , but reading back over the instructions , I saw that I was supposed to pick one essay to disagree with , not two . However , I had no time to rewrite the entire paper , so I put the finishing touches on it , and fretted . I wondered if I would lose points for not following directions . And that weak ending . I tried to strengthen it , but really , it needed a complete overhaul . I printed it out , and I was unhappy . We got it back in class today . I got an A . What a relief . Another thing that made me smile was Bill , the young man who argued with me in class . That post became a column . That column generated interest , from local teachers even to a department head at the college who used it as part of a discussion on classroom civility . You know , I was nervous about putting that out there , because this is a very conservative area , and I figured that my stance on the mosque would outrage people . It didn 't though . Quite the opposite . Every e - mail I got was positive and affirmed the basic idea of it : that we all need to Posted by There 's a young man came into the store . " Do you have any canning supplies left ? " he said , in a hopeless kind of way . I totally get that . We 've been sold out of the lids for probably 2 - 3 weeks now . Just a few cases of jars left . A couple canners , the old Ball type . A pressure canner . Not a lot of stuff . But most everyone is sold out of supplies at this point . So I showed him where what 's left is , and he looked the stuff over . Right away , though , he knelt down to look at the pressure canner . It 's been marked down , but not enough . He said , " My wife would like to make spaghetti sauce , but we don 't have a pressure canner . We were going to freeze it . " Perfectly sensible way to do it , and we talked about that . In the talking , I could tell that money was tight for this young couple , but I could also tell that they were a pretty resourceful pair . That 's something that you don 't see a lot of today . He works second shift , but he spoke proudly of his wife teaching herself to can the produce from their garden while he was at work , after she got home from work herself . " Listen , " I said , " I 've got an old pressure canner you can have . It works fine . I canned when the kids were all home , but now , I just don 't have time for it . If you would like it , I 'd be glad for you to have it . " He was quick to say , " Oh , no , I couldn 't do that , " and he was embarrassed to be taking . That 's another thing you don 't see a lot of these days . I looked at him and said , " When someone gives you something , you should just say , ' thanks ' , " and I grinned at him . You could see him thinking on it , and you could also see that he really wanted it . " I honestly don 't use it anymore , " I repeated . And he finally said , " Well , then , thanks ! " That little exchange made me feel really good . Seeing a young couple starting out in these hard times being practical and sensible and hard working , well , that made me feel good too . Giving that canner made me feel as if I was handing down something really important , something that most young people aren 't interested in knowing . Posted by I 'm feeling decidedly crappy , but , hey , after scaring the bejeebers out of myself , ' decidedly crappy ' I can handle . I came downstairs this morning and I was ( say it with me , people ) tired . I was so flipping exhausted that I could hardly wait to get through packing Tim 's lunch so that I could make my coffee . I wrapped his two sandwiches ( cajun turkey breast , swiss cheese , lettuce , ketchup on nine grain bread ) . I put in his goodies ( an apple , fruitsnacks , peach cup , and a chocolate cupcake ) . I put in his frozen water bottle and his one can of pepsi and his second can of caffeine free pepsi , for his afternoon break . Then I turned to my coffee pot . It was dismantled . I didn 't remember doing that , but I do remember washing the things yesterday . I unloaded the dish strainer , putting the thing back together , but the metal perforated cup was missing . Somehow , I 'd managed to dump it in the trash while emptying my grounds . I couldn 't imagine myself doing such a thing , but it was the only possible answer , and so I heaved a sigh and went out to bring in the garbage bag . Tim asked what I was doing , and I explained , more than a little peeved at myself . " I honestly don 't even remember ripping the thing apart yesterday , " I said , with the frustrated tone that only a woman deprived of caffeine could manage . And Tim said , " Well , when you were getting ready for church , I ripped it apart . I wanted to see how many watts the thing uses . " ( It 's hell being married to Professor Potter , let me tell you . And no , I 'm not talking about wizards . The reference is pre - wizard , going back to the day of flying cars and a little girl named Jem , the boy named Jeremy . Professor Potter was their inventer father . Name that book . late edit : it turns out that the professor was named Professor Potts , not ' Potter ' Still though , name that book . ) In any case , I looked up at Tim , still digging through the garbage . I had one thought . It didn 't matter what the watt usage was of this particular appliance . I need my coffee . Ergo , the pot stays right where it is . BuPosted by I have been so dragging tired this past week . School has seemed too big to handle , so much stuff coming from so many different directions . I think that I 'm getting the hang of it , but still , it 's a little overwhelming and I 'm . Just . So . Tired . I 've been trying to study for a test on Tuesday , but it is hard because I wake up in the morning exhausted . I drink coffee and slog through the day . . . exhausted . This morning , getting ready for church , I felt so tired that I allowed myself to think it : ' I 'd better make an appointment to be seen . This is NOT normal . ' I got through church , and visited with friends during the chicken and biscuit dinner that I had no appetite for . Tim and I went grocery shopping . I actually started to feel light headed and woozy , like I might just have to sit down for a minute in the middle of Aldi 's . It felt good to come home , and get things put away . I sat down to study , but it was so hard to stay focused . My head began to ache . I began to get a feverish ' swimmy ' sort of feeling . Something was definately wrong , and , to my own shame , I began to feel those little prickles of fear . I found myself wondering , " What about those bruises all over your legs ? " " What about those aching bones ? " and even " What if the weight loss thing has nothing to do with your good habits ? " On and on . Even though I pride myself on being a practical and logical sort of gal , well , this afternoon , I wasn 't I am embarrassed to say . I kept my fears to myself , not even mentioning them to Tim , but inside , I was quietly , plainly scared . I 've never been so relieved to begin sneezing in all my born days . I 'm coming down with a cold . I feel pretty darn foolish , and am grateful that I kept my fears to myself ( until now , anyhow . . . ) I 'm taking aspirin and putting my feverish self to bed . Catch all you good people on the rebound . Yesterday , I worked , and I worked hard . I like to work hard . Although if I 'd have known that I 'd be working that hard , I wouldn 't have worn a sweatshirt . The cool damp has been a real problem for my bones , and I try to avoid getting cold . It makes me miserable . My sweatshirt was just a wee bit too hot once I got going , hauling pallets out using the pallet jack . Climbing up and down ladders pulling stock from the upper shelves , moving bags of chicken feed or corn or lime . Stuff like that . I was coming around the corner with the ladder when I heard two managers talking . " That Debby , you give her something to do , and she 's ON it . " Nice to overhear a nice comment about yourself . It got me to thinking on the power of positive gossip . I came home and studied for a test . When I went to bed , I was tired . It began to rain , and I lay there , next to Tim , warm and drowsy , listening to the rain pattering on the roof . There was a bright flash of lightning and when the thunder came , it rumbled on and on and on , reverberating from one end of the sky to the other . I lay in bed listening to it , watching the sky sporatically flash , followed by the thunder that rolled on for ever and ever , and I thought about my day , and the days before this day , and the days to come in the arms of a husband snoring gently . I prayed for five kids grown and gone . . . and at some point , I fell asleep . I was pondering over the whole Henry W thing , rereading the e - mail exchange . In hindsight , I was pretty shocked to see that I clearly volunteered for this . But I did . As soon as I realized that the story might not be told , I was raising my hand ( virtually speaking ) and saying , " Then I will do it . " I suppose that part of this is selfishness . I considered it such a story , right away , that I couldn 't imagine that it would not be told . The idea of telling Henry that his story wasn 't important was something that I couldn 't bring myself to do . But , still , after all it was all said and done , I was sitting in the dust saying , " What happened there . . . . " The fact is , Henry has a remarkable remarkable story . I tell stories . So I will tell another one , just bigger than I usually see bumbling along in my normal life . Instead of describing what I see , what I think , I will be describing Henry . I will be describing what he saw , what he thinks . First person , third person . That 's all . I received some very good advice from a reporter , so good I printed it out . Henry 's speaking is assisted , and so formulating answers takes a while , so I 'm working on a list of questions , which he will answer via e - mail . He 's a very good writer himself , which also makes my job a lot , lot easier . I will have to take pictures which will be a challenge for me ( BB ~ I neeeeeeeeeeed you sistah ! ) but I will figure a way . Like ' The Little Engine That Could ' , I have gone from abject terror to breaking it down into steps . ' I think I can , I think I can , I think I can . . . ' What provides the steam for my little engine in this case is my steadfast conviction that this is a story which deserves its telling . I guess the story from Tractor Supply is this : I was waiting on a couple . The woman looked like someone I knew , but I was confused . It couldn 't be her , because she was not with the man that she should have been with . I thought to myself , " Well , Patty must have a sister . . . " These are friends of Tim 's , from when he was a kid , and I didn 't know them all that well myselfPosted by I 'm still losing weight . Not a full pound this week , but the scales are still headed the right way . It 's been cold and rainy and so I had to pull out warmer shirts from the back of the closet , things that I hadn 't looked at since last winter . It was nice to find myself putting on a shirt that I couldn 't wear last winter . I am tired . Just beat . It might be because with the cold and damp came the aching bones . With a vengeance . Don 't know . I talked to a friend who was complaining about the same thing . She 's my age , doesn 't take tamoxifen . Does this simply happen as you get older ? Have I been blaming the tamoxifen for something that simply and coincidently began at the same time ? That was an interesting thought . I think that I 'm starting to get with the program for school . A lot of writing though , and I 'll be working to put together a power point , and . . . well . . . gees . If I start thinking too far ahead , I just make myself nervous . Takes a deep breath . Well . That 's what I 'm up to today . Mrs . Spit has a column plagiarized . I went over to Mommy Outnumbered to compare the two columns . Word for word , except that Mrs . Spit 's was dated first . Turns out that all of ' Mommy 's ' blog posts were swiped from other blogs . Now why would a person do that ? What was she looking for ? Attention ? Pity ? When you read her profile , well , she sounds a little freaky , talking about when she gets an overwhelming urge to be around blood , she goes to play in the ER . ( She claims to be an ER nurse ) . Bizarre attitude . I find myself hoping that she 's NOT an ER nurse . Can you imagine being cared for by a nurse who 's watching everything with a sick fascination , having the time of her life ? Ew . Maybe she 's just a compulsive liar . Terribly lonely . A longing to be someone . Is Katie Pearson even a real person ? We don 't know . Her blog will be taken down and we 'll probably never know the rest of that story . I guess that I 'm nosy . Remember Henry W ? I lobbied for a reporter to do a story on him . I lobbied hard , because really , Henry 's story is such a testimony to the human spirit . I lobbied so well that it was suggested that I do the story because I am so passionate about the topic . * blink * Dang . Did not see that coming . The thing is , I write about little stuff . I write extensively about little stories that amuse but , in the grand scheme of things , don 't matter to anybody but me . Henry 's story is important . Really important . It really deserves a professional . Not me . I 've gone and scared myself spitless . I do meet the most interesting people . Today , on the way home from class , I stopped at the Russell spring to get five gallons of spring water for the water cooler at work . I 'm the logical one to get it since I pass by the Russell spring 6 out of 7 days a week ( minimum ) . So I pulled in and it was raining , a cold mist . There was an elderly man there , along with his wife . He was filling up a bunch of five gallon jugs and was embarrassed to be holding me up . He offered to let me fill my jug , but I said , " It 's cold and it 's miserable , and you were here first . You go on ahead . The spring hasn 't run dry in all the years I 've known it , so I imagine that there will be plenty of water there when you are done . " Seeing his Florida license plate , I also commented , " We 're a pretty laid back bunch here . You hardly ever hear of anyone getting killed in a water dispute at the Russell Spring . " Which made him laugh , and hard , too . He chatted a little , and his wife made a disparaging comment about his talking . Placidly , I said , " Oh , heck . You don 't know me . I can carry on a conversation with a stump . I am a blabber . " She rolled her eyes and jerked her thumb at her husband . " Him , too , " she said , and she said it like it was not a good thing . Another fellow pulled up , and , wouldn 't you know ? He turned out to be a blabber too . The three of us blabbed on , and , outnumbered , the guy 's wife said , " I 'm going to wait in the van , " and so she did . Now , believe it or not , Richard was a roller skating champion , and had competed on the international level . " I 'm 79 , " he said . " I had a stroke a few years ago . The kind of stuff that I did , well , it was just dangerous . I wouldn 't dare try it again . " And he told us how he was mostly recovered , but really , his coordination and balance was not what it was , and he didn 't expect that it ever would be again . " So , " he said , with a big grin , " I took up square dancing . It 's the only way I know that you can grab all the ladies you want , and nobody gets mad . " Pretty funny guy , and we talked easily as I helped him Posted by Today , in about an hour , Dylan will officially turn 24 . It just seems strange to me to think about it . 24 years . In just 10 days , Brianna will be 29 . How the heck is that even possible ? Tempus is fugiting at an incredible rate . Today was sort of an aggravating day . I spent a lot of time on homework this weekend , and I confidently walked into class this morning , to immediately discover that we had an assignment that I did not do . It had been assigned in class . We had been instructed to write down the assignment . I did so . But our assignments are posted on a computer site called ' Angel ' . I did all the assignments on Angel , read the readings , etc . What I did not do is refer back to my scheduling book to make sure there were no additional things to be done . Didn 't even enter my mind . It is all so confusing , and it was mortifying to look at my scheduler there and see it plainly written . ' Research play , handout in red note book ' . To top it off , we had a quiz on the assignment that I had not done . I felt very , very stupid . Valuable life lesson learned . Anyway , we had our class . Followed by the lab . By the end of it , I was tired , and discouraged . My normal low self esteem had me really wondering if it were possible that I would ever be organized enough for this class . I was closing my books and gathering things all together when a woman walked in the door , came directly up to me and said , " Are you Debby ? " I was so astonished that I gaped for few moments before managing to say , cautiously , " Um . Depends . Is this Debby in some sort of trouble ? " Turns out she 's head of a department ( I 'm so flabberghasted that I can 't remember her title exactly , although I do remember her name , because she went to highschool with Tim and graduated with him ) . She read my last column . It was the story of my English class , the story of the young man who wears ammo on his wrist , about listening , about finding common ground . She wants to use it in one of her classes , and asked my permission to do so . I gaped foolishly some more . " Sure , " I said . " It 's public . Go ahead . " And she talked to my teacher about the fact that she had a published author in her classroom . Surprisingly , my teacher knew this too . I wonder when I 'll quit feeling dumb . I wonder if I ever will . After a pleasant weekend , I spent my holiday Monday at the computer . I wrote a column which came quickly and easily . I then researched and wrote a five page argument on teenage drinking . The paper is due Thursday . Just having such a big project out of the way so early in the week makes me breathe a lot more easily . I made a special supper for Tim and made extra so that he had leftovers for supper tomorrow night , since I have to work . I read him the latest column and though he said nothing more than , " That 's very nice , " I could tell it pleased him . Since it was about marriage , about taking things for granted , I felt like it needed his approval and I was glad to have it . That 's it really . I 'm prepared for the week , and being prepared for the week makes me feel confident within myself . It 's been a relaxing sort of weekend . I 've worked , but I enjoyed myself . I guess the story of the day would be this : I watched a local lawyer and her husband walk through the store . As usual , she did not walk with him , but ahead of him , giving the impression that she was not with anyone at all . She seemed irritable and short with him when they came to the register . Their son stood off to the side as his mother harangued the husband , who had pulled out his debit card . She complained that she did not want him to use that card , that she was sick and tired of paying his bills . She pulled a wad of money out of her purse to pay for the transaction , complaining the entire time . He stood there looking at me with an embarrassed sort of half smile on his face . After paying me , she thrust money into his hands , complaining still . I stood there with their change , $ 5 . 01 to be precise , and she was complaining at him still , not noticing . The man extended his hand , and so I gave him that change , which served to anger her all the more , and I felt as if I 'd done wrong . She sailed out of the store in front of him and her son . I 'm sure it was not a pleasant ride home . I felt sorry for them all . I 'm not sure what the man does for a living , but I 've met him before . He is quiet . Seems like a sensible person , practical . This is a family who lives extremely comfortably . Yet for all that they have , what stands out the most is what they do NOT have . And can you imagine anything worse than being trapped in an unhappy marriage to a lawyer who handles divorces ? Oy . After work , Tim picked me up , and we went to a bonfire , and we visited , and I spent a large portion of the night sitting in a lawn chair with a little boy on my lap , a tired boy who was talking a lot simply to keep himself awake , I think . His head leaned into my shoulder as he talked about school and karate , and how smart he was and how strong he was , and I agreed with him again and again , laughing to myself . We talked about chicken nuggets and what we like to dip them in , and althouPosted by The class was required to do an abbreviated Myers Brigg Type Indicator test . It 's part of ' self awareness ' , which is the first step in ' therapeutic use of self ' . I don 't know how much stock I take in this sort of thing , but hey , I do what I 'm supposed to do , so I did the test , which did not take long . It returned the results , listing me as INFJ , which means Introverted , iNtuitive , Feeling , Judgement . I read : " INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents . Strongly humanitarian in outlook , INFJs tend to be idealists , and because of their J preference for closure and completion , they are generally " doers " as well as dreamers . This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn . INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large . They are , in fact , sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people - - a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world . On the contrary , INFJs are true introverts , who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long - term friends , family , or obvious " soul mates . " While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others , at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves , sometimes shutting out even their intimates . This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them , providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent " givers . " As a pattern of behavior , it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders , and hence the most often misunderstood - - particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type . " Reading that this typPosted by I 'm busy . Lots of reading , lots of writing , lots of trying to figure out what I 've already got done and what needs to be done . Mostly I feel like I 'm just trying to keep up . But I love my classes . I love the classroom dynamics of the OT classes . You see the same people over and over again , and you begin to form friendships . I like that part , but you know , I also like interacting with the people in my other classes , the ones that I don 't see so often . The hearty friendly farm boy who sits across the aisle from me in Life Span Development . Marty who sits beside me . The techno kid from English Comp . The fiercely intelligent young man who sits at the end of my row . We often find ourselves staring across our differences to respect each other , and that is always kind of cool when that happens . So I 'm reading and studying and trying to stay on top of it all . Enjoying myself . Enjoying my job . It 's kind of interesting when people come in and stare at me . " I know you , " they say , in a musing way . I look back at their unfamiliar faces and I say , " I don 't know . I 'm Debby H . . . . . . , " and their eyes will widen . They do know me . They read my column . Some of them read this blog . It amazes me , the cross section of people who are followers . I expect women followers , but there 's a lot of guys out there who are regular readers too . It 's nice . It really is . Towards autumn , I always find myself thinking back . September is the month that I found my cancer . I read some of my old blog posts . Two years ago , at this time , life was completely normal . I babbled on , completely unaware , and then on September 26th , I found a lump , and life veered off on this big wide detour . I read through a few of the posts , and , you know , it almost seems unreal , as if it happened to somebody else , yet when I turned the page on the calendar to September just a couple days ago , right away , my eyes sought out the 26th . It 's on a Sunday this year . I 'm glad that I 'll begin the day in church . Just seems right somehow . Mostly what I think is this . I think of the fifty SePosted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal .
|
I 've noticed that I 've really sort of stepped out of the shadow of cancer . I don 't think about it much . I 'm busy and active . I don 't know when it happened , but it did . I 'm glad , because I did not know if I would ever get past all that : Thinking about it . Wondering if the cancer was going to come back . A self consciousness remains about how I look , but I 've always been self conscious about how I look , so I 'm not all that sure that I can blame that one on cancer . This is breast cancer awareness month , and my inbox is heavy with requests from businesses who want me to post a link on my blog to their various ' pink ribbon ' campaigns . Some of them are downright exploitive , in my mind . Others , well , maybe not so much , but since I 'm not , for instance , a NASCAR fan , I would feel kind of stupid posting a link for their initiative . I 'm sure there are fans out there who have dealt with this , and will post their link with a lot of enthusiasm and hype , and that is what it deserves . It 's a nice little plan to charge five dollars a person to post the names of people who have dealt with breast cancer , and the car will be raced for the month of October . The money will be donated . In addition to those reminders , I 've written next week 's column . It 's about October being Breast Cancer Awareness month , a brief summation of having life interrupted by breast cancer , but then slowly finding yourself being drawn once again into the current of life . When I was done with that , I worked a little on those presentations . I 've got three of them , each one with an alloted talk time of one hour and 45 minutes . I 'm a blabber , don 't get me wrong , but man . That 's a lot of talking . I went through a few more blog posts . I also did an interview with another blogger . Her sister died of breast cancer , and she is ' spotlighting ' bloggers who have dealt with the issue . Her aim was to remind women of the importance of regular exams . All this looking back . You know , for a time , I could not see past the next chemo or the next radiation , and then I went through the phPosted by Tim 's a pretty laid back character , and he seldom has any objections to what I write about . He doesn 't want me to write about this though , and out of respect for him , I will not . Many breast cancer ' patients ' take medication following chemo and radiation . These drugs come with a myriad of side effects . Bone pain is one of them , and it has been a challenge to me . But there is another one that affects not only me , but my husband as well . This side effect has been a difficult adjustment for us , and for our marriage . What I have lost interest in , well , my husband has not . Reading about this , I am surprised to find that the overwhelming majority of women seem to believe that if the woman has lost interest , well , her partner must simply do without , or be labeled as ' insensitive ' . * blink * I don 't believe that . Number 1 ) I appreciate that my husband still sees me as a desirable woman , even if I don 't feel like a desirable woman . Number 2 ) Marriage is a partnership . My feelings are never more important than his feelings . Number 3 ) I 'm expecting that in three years and seven months ( but who 's counting ) things will go back to the way it 's always been . In the meantime , I accomodate . Willingly . I do not feel degraded , nor do I feel that my husband is insensitive . I guess you can call us ' a purpose driven marriage ' . Our story has always begun with ' It is not about me . ' Your thoughts ? Tim ? I didn 't write about it . Well . Not much anyway . As we move into autumn , it 's getting daylight later and later . Right now the rain is pattering on the roof . It is too warm to fire up the woodstove , but the propane heater ticks beside me . Everything is so warm and cozy that I am having a hard time motivating . I bought one of those wheeled book bags . I 've been toting everything in multiple bags and a back pack because I have so many books . It was getting hard to be organized . You know what I love best about school ? Just talking to people . Remember Mr . Ammo on his Wrist guy ? His real name is Bill . He 's got a keen sharp intelligence to him . He had to debate prostitution . The bad thing is that he had to be prepared to argue pro AND con , because he didn 't know which side he was going to be assigned . He said , " Can I ask you a question ? " and we had quite an interesting discussion on it . I like that . I like being a part of things . I am a smart woman . I have always known this , but it 's always been a bit of a nuisance . Sometimes it seems like I do not ' fit ' anywhere . A couple Thursdays ago , when I was sick and missed a day ? Students came up and said , " We missed you . Class was boring without you . " These may sound like little things , the fact that a student asks my opinion , or that other students might miss my presence in the classroom . Or that a teacher waits for me to gather my stuff and we walk out together talking . But it feels like a big deal . It makes me feel like , for the first time in my life , I fit where I am . Perfectly . I fit at school . I fit at my job . I fit at home with my husband . I fit . It 's a very nice feeling . I 've been asked to do three presentations for the teachers of our county . So I worked a little bit on that over the weekend . I was asked to speak on breast cancer / wellness The two year anniversary of the discovery of that lump passed on Sunday . It was a strange day . You can 't help but look back . At the same time , writing about the experiences seemed strange , like I was writing about something that happened to someone else . I am a humorist , primarily , but Posted by I was at the Tractor Supply opening up cases of suet . It 's on sale 12 for $ 10 , so it 's been flying out the door like crazy . Can barely keep up with it . In any case , I 'm working away . A woman comes up and asks me about a rabbit cage . Is it the only one we have ? I see that the metal slide out tray has been banged in and bent . It turns out that it is the only one we have , but I tell them that the manager said that they could have it for $ 25 . and point out that the metal tray is made of tin and could be straightened out easily with some pliers . About then , their daughter , maybe 9 years old , begins to take a fit . She 's crying because she does not want that small cage for her bunny . Her parents try to debate it , but she 's adamant . She wants a bigger cage . Mentally , I 'm rooting for the kid . Until I hear that this bunny is a bunny who lives in the lap of luxury . He is house broken and has the run of the house . He only goes in a cage when no one is home , for his own safety , rabbits being real chewers . Additionally , he has a second larger cage . This one is merely the one that will be in the little girl 's room , the cage that he will use at night to sleep in . This cage is probably 2 ' by 3 ' . So I look at this little girl , so emotionally overwrought , and I tell her that she has a very good heart , and that I love to see someone who takes good care of her animals . But I also point out that in the wild , rabbits go into very enclosed burrows to sleep , that it makes them feel secure and safe from predators , that this is their nature . The little girl takes this in very seriously . I tell her , " You know , you can test that yourself . Put a box in his cage and watch . And I will bet you that when he is put in his cage , he chooses to go into it , into an even smaller space to sleep . It is a protective instinct that many small animals have . " I then told them to think it over , and I 'd go back to my suet , and to just stop by and let me know if they didn 't want the cage so that I could put it back up on the shelf . Before too long , the three of thePosted by I really like working at Tractor Supply . The people are great and fun to work with . Last night we were working hard , and very close to making bonus . So very close . I said , " Can we keep the store open a little late ? " and the manager said , " Oh , yeah . We 're staying open . " We did it . We made bonus . It was a great moment to stand out in front of the store high fiving each other . I like the camaraderie there a lot . I like the customers too . An older guy came in today . He wore a shirt emblazoned with ' bad ass ' . He looked like a pretty rough character . He was in to buy some welding supplies for his neighbor . He talked about how much he respected that neighbor , paralyzed from the chest down , but a worker , out using a log splitter to split his wood , and welding . Said the guy had changed his own oil that morning . The man shook his head in amazement . I said , " You know , you don 't see many like that these days , " and the guy said , " You 're right . " He seemed loathe to go . Visited a little , still holding his bag . Out of the blue , he said , " I 'm having an awful time . I had to have my dog put to sleep yesterday , and I can 't be in my house right now . Everything reminds me that my dog isn 't there . " Right away , I thought of my Buck . " It 's a hard thing , " I said . " Even when it 's the right thing , it 's still awfully hard . " And much to my surprise , his eyes got red , and two fat tears trickled down his bearded face . " I told my wife , I just got to be away from the house for a little bit . " I commiserated with him , and because I 'm a sap , I got all teary eyed for him too . A couple guys came up and he left , quickly . Probably embarrassed to be seen in public with tears in his eyes . The two new customers looked at me surprised as I quickly wiped my own eyes . I said , " Gees . I 'm crying over somebody else 's dog . Aren 't I the biggest mess ? " I shot them a look . " You 're not going to make me cry , are you ? " and they laughed . Business went on as normal , but later , when things quieted down again , I thought how nice it is to know that there are tenderhearted pePosted by My blog has been sort of left to its own devices lately . I 've been very busy with school . I 've been doing a lot of writing , a whole lot of writing . I 've actually begun to get a bit ' ahead ' on my writing assignments . A six page report for OT . A six page report for English Comp all in the same week . A history project , with power point presentation . Trying to keep up with my regular writing assignments . Meanwhile , I 'm still trying to stay on top of my reading and other things . I 've got so many books this time around . Sometimes , when I lay in bed at night , my mind spinning around with all that I 've got to do , I find myself getting scared . It 's impossible , I think . I can 't keep up . But on the heels of that , I find myself realizing that I am . I 've adopted the motto , ' Keep your head down and work like crazy . ' I love my classes , and let me tell you something that I have discovered . I was sitting in class early on , and I listened to the teachers telling us about what occupational therapy is . Isn 't that funny ? I had a vague idea , but the reason that I chose this class is because my friend Mary pointed out that they were always advertising for occupational therapists in the paper . I began to look , and she was right . I noticed that most of these places offered money for your continuing education credits , and I liked the idea that I could go on taking classes part time , and be reimbursed . So I signed up for Occupational Therapy , because I wanted a good steady job with benefits . There you have it . That 's why I am where I am . In any case , in the beginning of the classes , as I said , we heard a lot about what it is to be an occupational therapist . As I listened , I was amazed to realize that I 've done occupational therapy . I didn 't realize it , but I have . I lived in Michigan in the late eighties and the first half of the nineties , and I took care of a gentleman . His name was Mike . He 'd had a stroke . He was a naturalist , and a chemist , and a golfer , a father , a husband , and a social person , but this stroke had been a bad one , and he Posted by I 've been reluctantly dragged in to Facebook because it 's the only way to keep up with the relatives scattered from here to kingdom - come . It 's a nice way to keep up with friends that I don 't often get to see . So , I check in regularly , but I can 't say that I 'm enamored with the whole thing . It 's a means to an end , I suppose . That 's all . A couple days ago , my friend Alan put up a comment . He said that he 's learned a great deal from watching Bugs Bunny . Another fellow commented that his favorite was The Road Runner . I made a comment to the effect that he 'd learned from that , too . Unless he was currently dangling from the jaws of a coyote . Guy flipped a gasket . Felt that he 'd been ' slammed ' . " Uh . No , " I messaged back . " I don 't believe in that . It was meant as a joke , sorry for any offense . " I guess that 's what happens though . You don 't know who 's on line . You don 't know how your comments will be taken . I guess that is the thing that makes me uncomfortable with facebook , all the strangers lurking about . If I don 't actually ' know ' the person who 's requesting to be my friend , I don 't accept the friend request . It makes me feel a little guilty , but hey . It 's how I roll . I 've recently had the ' opportunity ' to watch facebook wielded as a weapon . An acquaintance sent me a friend request some time ago , and I agreed to it . Tim worked with her husband , I knew her from church . We both know her in - laws . Always visited with her a little when we saw her at the Walmart . Now the marriage is over . Or at least headed that way . She 's posted some pretty shocking pictures of herself on line . I 'd call them soft porn , to be frank . A recent posting stunned me . She 's getting bored with the subject of Ted Bundy , and was looking for the name of another killer / rapist from Canada . The most recent conversation hinted at a very good and intimate time with " ____ " . Immediately , Mr . _______ posted , using his own name and saying how fine it had all been . His ex - girlfriend commented , hurt and angry . He taunted her with the relationship . My ' facebook friePosted by Today was one big rush . I headed out the door early to give myself extra time to study in the library . The test went well , I think , unless I goofed something up . Then I headed down for the library to write my paper for tomorrow 's English comp . I don 't know . It was on euthenasia . MLA referencing is a pain in the hind end . Everyone else in the class seems to be familiar with it . I have no experience with it , none that I remember anyhow . And if I did , it was well before the time of the internet referencing . But the paper is done . I was racing the clock , and finished up at 3 : 30 . I snatched the papers from the printer and sprinted to my car . I had to be to work by 4 . Driving at 35 mph ( the posted speed limit ) through the residential area of Buffalo Rd . , some idiot tailgated me , swinging out as if to pass ( in a no passing lane ) over and over again . I pulled over , he flew past me at well over the speed limit and , I am ashamed to admit it , but I flipped him off . What does God do with people like me ? Really ? And I was ashamed of myself even as I watched him begin to tailgate the next vehicle in front of him , making his own impatient gestures at that person . As I burst through the front doors of the store with one minute to spare , Jessie said , " Jees . You 're always here 15 minutes early . " Yeah , I know , " I said , rushing past the register to the back of the store . Mark and Bob and Dave were talking with Gary , who I don 't really know . He 's back to work after 12 weeks off , for a broken ankle . Mark said , " Wow . You made it . Have you met Gary ? " and I said , " Briefly . Not trying to be rude , but really , I have to pee . " And I went tearing past them . You know , there 's a father , a farmer , who comes into the store , and he generally has a little boy with him , and this little boy stutters something awful , but I am struck always at how patient this dad is . He never gets flustered or impatient . The little boy is a chatterbox , and the father will be visiting with someone , and the little boy will be trying to say something , and the father will liPosted by In English Comp , right next to me sits ' Techno Kid ' . On the other side of him is Ammo on His Wrist guy . Now Techno Kid is thin , intense , long haired , kind of looks like Shaggy on Scooby Doo . He attends college for computer graphics ( is that a degree ? ) I don 't know . He wants to design computer games . So anyway , I was at the library yesterday , trying to get all this information around for a historical overview of the evolution of Occupational Therapy . My group 's era is 1917 to 1929 . We 're looking for the societal , legislative , and medical advances of the times . I was getting frustrated because everything that I typed in led to 127 million hits . " Train at Home for a Rewarding Career " " Become an Occupational Therapist " " Earn Good Money ! " I was starting to grit my teeth a bit . I talked to a librarian , and she showed me one lone reference book sitting on the shelf . The History of Occupational Therapy . It was time for English Comp , so I walked from the library across campus to class . The classroom was empty , but there was a message on our board . " Go to Library , Love , Mrs . Braun . " ( Is that not the cutest thing ? I wanted to take a picture of it , but didn 't have time . I had to walk back across campus to where I 'd just come from . ) I headed down the stairs thinking , ' Gosh . I was sure that she said we were meeting in the classroom first and heading to the library . Unless that 's my Thursday class . We 're also going to the library . Maybe we 're suppose to meet in class first . I know somebody is meeting in the classroom first . . . . ' and at the bottom of the stairs , I see Techno Kid standing at the door with a pained , oh - how - stupid - I - am look on his face . I laughed . " I did the same thing , " I said , and he held the door for me and we headed for the library . On the way over , I asked him about the assignment . He has not begun it either . Like my own essay , his is also in the thinking stage . I 've got two essays , two opposing views . I 'm supposed to research and take another stand . I know what I want to say . The topic is euthanasia . I 've got fouPosted by Here 's a news flash for you . I hate having my picture taken . Hate it . We 're having a new church directory made and they wanted everyone to show up to get their picture taken for it . Did I mention about hating having my picture taken ? So then , I couldn 't make the appointment for the picture until I knew what my work schedule was , and then when I found out what my work schedule was , I forgot to call the secretary and see what appointment times were open , and well , * sigh * long story short , Tim and I were showing up for our picture taking at 9 : 20 PM , after I got off work . After I got out of school . As I was coming down with a cold , and my face hurt , and my eyes were puffy and well . . . you get the picture , right ? ( Pun entirely intended . ) So anyhow , we get our picture taken , and then we have to sit and wait to pick our pose . ( Pose , not Nose ) It wasn 't all bad , because we got to visit with the church secretary , and she 's funny as a hoot . Also glamorous and has never taken a bad picture in her life , I imagine , but I 'm not jealous ( much ) . I love Karen despite her movie star looks . So we 're finally called up there , and I say to that man , in a very matter of fact way , " So you can give us the short version , because we 're not buying any pictures . We 'll just pick the photo for the directory and be on our way . " He says that he needs to give us the schpiel anyway . So I sit myself down and snuffle to myself ( really , colds make me snottier than usual ) , and I 'm kind of listening , while not listening at all . Tim is much better at looking interested when he 's not interested than I am at looking interested when I 'm not interested . But then , surprisingly , I got interested , when the man tells us that there is a ' finish ' that they offer that will remove the lines and blemishes . It will remove the bags under your eyes . It will whiten your teeth . It will even make you look thinner . He showed pictures , and I have to say , the people looked like younger versions of themselves . In fact , if you were a person coming down with a pretty bad cold , feeliPosted by Gosh . Not much to report here . Paper due today . ( check ) Test tomorrow . Paper due Thursday . ( Can 't wait until Friday . ) Might have a couple kids coming home on the weekend . Got asked to do a presentation for our school district 's " Professional Day " . How nice is that ? My cold has finally ' decamped ' . The pleasure of breathing through your nose is vastly underrated . Freight day at the store , last night . You just put your head down and work like crazy . Ike said , " Man , you 're on fire tonight . " I was . I 'm getting to know where everything goes , and if I don 't know , I can figure it out . Was ' talking ' on line , to a friend . He said , " BRB . I got a bear at the window . " It made both Tim and I laugh . Life in the woods . Looks like our television was a one night deal . That was interesting . I wonder what happened . Is it my imagination , or is this just the most boring blog post ever ? It 's not my imagination ? Oh . Let me get ready for school . . . . . jalepeno peppers . Dosage ? Lots of ' em . Eat them until your nose and eyes are running freely . Man . I do feel better . I can breathe through my nose again . My face does not feel too heavy for the front of my head . So . . . . anyone got any suggestions for the chest congestion ? We haven 't had television reception since the great switch to digital last year . We get PBS , but that 's it . We thought about it , but concluded that we did not watch TV enough to warrant getting satellite , and cable is not available back here in the woods . I came home tonight and Tim was sprawled on the couch watching a football game . I 'm kind of slow on the uptake , and I 've got this rotten cold , so it didn 't connect at first , but eventually it came to me . " Wait , " I said . " What happened ? Why are we getting network television . " " I dunno , " he said . " This game is a blowout . Let 's see what else we get . " And there was some movie channel . A movie was beginning . Some sneaky looking guy walked through a dark house past a bunch of butcher knives in a rack on a wall . Then some long legged guy in bell bottoms with long hair walked into his house . There were feathers all over . He looked startled and then raced up a spiral stair case while dramatic music played . He flung open the door and his eyes went wide with horror . . . and then Tim switched the television off . " Well , " I said , " Now , we 'll never know what he saw in that room when he opened the door . " And Tim said , " I don 't care . " Maybe tomorrow , we 'll still have television . Maybe tomorrow there will be more than crap on . Maybe tomorrow I 'll be over this stinking cold . Stay tuned ! The story today is sweet . Two teenaged boys came into the store with their parents . One was tall and gangly and red haired , with a thin face and high cheekbones . His brother was tall too , but his gait was awkward and shambling . When they came to the register , I saw that the dark haired boy was mentally challenged , profoundly so . This was a farm family , and they paid for their purchases . The mother called her husband over to look at a heating stove , and the two teenagers were left at the counter . One boy stood slack jawed and staring vacantly , his shirt front stained with his supper . I looked at him , and I realized that he would have been beautiful if not for the accident of his chromosomes , and because I am a mother , there was a rush of maternal feelings for a child not my own . The red - haired brother pushed the cart forward and turned to his brother . In a tone of the most exquisite tenderness , he said to his brother , " Come on , it 's time to go . " And his brother looked at him , startled almost , and began to follow him in his odd gait . The love in that small scene touched my heart . Today , also , a young girl came in with her father . She got a pair of barn boots . Because I am a horrible blabber , I said , " Well , now you 're ready to go to work ! " in a joking kind of voice . This teenager looked square at me and said , " I don 't work . If I did work , it would be because I chose to , not because somebody bought me a pair of boots and told me to do it . " She snatched her boots off the counter , and marched off . I looked , shocked , at the father . He looked back at me . " Little Miss Attitude , " he said , and I think he was embarrassed . I can 't help but compare those two teenagers , the red haired boy and little Miss Attitude . The only thing that they had in common was their ages . The good news is that I think that this cold is finally winding down . I 'm as glad for that as I can be , but I do have to say , I would have preferred that the thing did not begin to break up while I was running a register at work . It is Brianna 's birthday today , and asPosted by This morning , I slept in . I was so tired yesterday that I actually got nauseous getting ready for school . As I tried to ignore it , it simply got worse , so finally , I went back to bed , hopeful that if I layed down , I 'd feel better in a few minutes . Instead , I fell soundly asleep until after 10 . I putzed around the house half heartedly for the rest of the day , feeling guilty about not being at school , taking frequent breaks and finally , another nap . I made simple french bread pizza for supper , and finally , Tim and I went to church for a Bible study on Daniel . I was a little dismayed to find out that this is going to be a study on the prophesy of Daniel . It is designed to show us all , that no matter what , God 's in charge . I believe that He is . I also believe that God and I have a deal . For the last couple years , I 've been thinking alot about ' end times ' . Mine , but hey , end times are end times , right ? My take on it is that the number of days , well , that 's God 's business . How I spend those days , well that 's MY business . I try hard to spend those days being a good person , kind , and helpful . Praying for others . Putting God in charge of my life . But I really have no interest in trying to decipher prophesy . I mostly don 't like those prophetic interpretations presented as fact . We don 't know . That 's the truth of it . We do not know . We can guess what it means , but when those guesses are being presented as fact , well , it makes me nervous . Very nervous . So , now I 'm in a Bible study that I 'm probably going to want to back out of . I haven 't talked to Tim on it . I was so tired sitting there that I nearly fell asleep listening to Pastor Dave talk . When we got home , I went to bed , at 8 : 30 at night , to read a little ( Blood Done Sign My Name - an interesting account of the Civil Rights Movement in a small southern town through the eyes of a preacher 's son . ) I immersed myself in the thunder of the past even as I averted my eyes , earlier , from the dire storm warnings in our future . I fell asleep once more listening to the comforting sPosted by So today 's story is pretty funny actually . I was at the Tractor Supply and a young man came in . I saw him casting quick looks around , so I walked over and said , " Can I help you ? " and he said , " I 'm looking for summer shirts . Don 't you have a summer shirts on sale ? " " Yes , " I said , ' but they were all marked down in August , so we don 't have a lot of them left at this point . What we 've got , though , is right here , " and I led him to the clearance rack . He found some shirts and came up with three of them and a wallet . He said , " Man , I hate that I missed that sale . I really need summer shirts , " and I said , " Well , next year , just remember to get here in August . " His smile flashed white in his black beard . " I won 't be here , " he said , triumphantly . " Really ? " I said , ringing up his stuff . " Where are you headed ? Down south where it is warm ? " " I 'll say ! " he exclaimed . " I 'm headed for Australia ! " I stopped what I was doing to stare at him . " Really ? Where ? " and he said , " Toowoomba , " and it seemed that he liked the way it rolled off his tongue . " In Queensland , " I said , and it was his turn to stare . " That 's right , " he said . " West of Brisbane , working for a harvesting company . " The Big Smoke . He looked quite interested . " Have you been there ? " he said . " Nope , " I said . " But I 've got friends there , " and I thought about BB and Jeanie , and their lovely mother Anonymous . After he left , I vacuumed , thinking , just the tiniest bit enviously of this young man 's adventure , but mostly thinking this . . . that one day , the Granite Glen gals might be traveling down the bitumen headed for one place or another , and they will pass a young man running a combine , a young man with dark hair and a black beard . They might not give him a second glance , nor he , them . And they will never realize the tie that connects them all from the other side of the world . The internet makes the world a very small place . Cozy even . One of my favorite children 's books of all time is ' Alexander and the Terrible , Horrible , No Good , Very Bad Day . ' The little boy 's refrain through each mishap of his awful day is , " I wanna move to Australia . " It makes me laugh every time that I read it , right up to the final line , " . . . and my mother said , ' Some days are like that . . . even in Australia . ' " Today , I had the opposite of Alexander 's day . So we shall call this ' Debby and the Wonderful , Awesome , Not Bad , Very Good Day ' . Last Thursday , we handed in our first essay in English Composition . It was an argument . I picked two opposing essays , neither of which I thought was completely accurate , and then I took a position in the middle , and provided facts to back that thinking up . The thing was that I wrote it early on , and had nothing to do but ' tweak ' it . Unfortunately , I waited until the last minute to tweak it . And by the time I got around to the tweaking , well , I didn 't like it . I didn 't like it at all . I thought that it ended weakly . My view hadn 't changed at all , but reading back over the instructions , I saw that I was supposed to pick one essay to disagree with , not two . However , I had no time to rewrite the entire paper , so I put the finishing touches on it , and fretted . I wondered if I would lose points for not following directions . And that weak ending . I tried to strengthen it , but really , it needed a complete overhaul . I printed it out , and I was unhappy . We got it back in class today . I got an A . What a relief . Another thing that made me smile was Bill , the young man who argued with me in class . That post became a column . That column generated interest , from local teachers even to a department head at the college who used it as part of a discussion on classroom civility . You know , I was nervous about putting that out there , because this is a very conservative area , and I figured that my stance on the mosque would outrage people . It didn 't though . Quite the opposite . Every e - mail I got was positive and affirmed the basic idea of it : that we all need to Posted by There 's a young man came into the store . " Do you have any canning supplies left ? " he said , in a hopeless kind of way . I totally get that . We 've been sold out of the lids for probably 2 - 3 weeks now . Just a few cases of jars left . A couple canners , the old Ball type . A pressure canner . Not a lot of stuff . But most everyone is sold out of supplies at this point . So I showed him where what 's left is , and he looked the stuff over . Right away , though , he knelt down to look at the pressure canner . It 's been marked down , but not enough . He said , " My wife would like to make spaghetti sauce , but we don 't have a pressure canner . We were going to freeze it . " Perfectly sensible way to do it , and we talked about that . In the talking , I could tell that money was tight for this young couple , but I could also tell that they were a pretty resourceful pair . That 's something that you don 't see a lot of today . He works second shift , but he spoke proudly of his wife teaching herself to can the produce from their garden while he was at work , after she got home from work herself . " Listen , " I said , " I 've got an old pressure canner you can have . It works fine . I canned when the kids were all home , but now , I just don 't have time for it . If you would like it , I 'd be glad for you to have it . " He was quick to say , " Oh , no , I couldn 't do that , " and he was embarrassed to be taking . That 's another thing you don 't see a lot of these days . I looked at him and said , " When someone gives you something , you should just say , ' thanks ' , " and I grinned at him . You could see him thinking on it , and you could also see that he really wanted it . " I honestly don 't use it anymore , " I repeated . And he finally said , " Well , then , thanks ! " That little exchange made me feel really good . Seeing a young couple starting out in these hard times being practical and sensible and hard working , well , that made me feel good too . Giving that canner made me feel as if I was handing down something really important , something that most young people aren 't interested in knowing . Posted by I 'm feeling decidedly crappy , but , hey , after scaring the bejeebers out of myself , ' decidedly crappy ' I can handle . I came downstairs this morning and I was ( say it with me , people ) tired . I was so flipping exhausted that I could hardly wait to get through packing Tim 's lunch so that I could make my coffee . I wrapped his two sandwiches ( cajun turkey breast , swiss cheese , lettuce , ketchup on nine grain bread ) . I put in his goodies ( an apple , fruitsnacks , peach cup , and a chocolate cupcake ) . I put in his frozen water bottle and his one can of pepsi and his second can of caffeine free pepsi , for his afternoon break . Then I turned to my coffee pot . It was dismantled . I didn 't remember doing that , but I do remember washing the things yesterday . I unloaded the dish strainer , putting the thing back together , but the metal perforated cup was missing . Somehow , I 'd managed to dump it in the trash while emptying my grounds . I couldn 't imagine myself doing such a thing , but it was the only possible answer , and so I heaved a sigh and went out to bring in the garbage bag . Tim asked what I was doing , and I explained , more than a little peeved at myself . " I honestly don 't even remember ripping the thing apart yesterday , " I said , with the frustrated tone that only a woman deprived of caffeine could manage . And Tim said , " Well , when you were getting ready for church , I ripped it apart . I wanted to see how many watts the thing uses . " ( It 's hell being married to Professor Potter , let me tell you . And no , I 'm not talking about wizards . The reference is pre - wizard , going back to the day of flying cars and a little girl named Jem , the boy named Jeremy . Professor Potter was their inventer father . Name that book . late edit : it turns out that the professor was named Professor Potts , not ' Potter ' Still though , name that book . ) In any case , I looked up at Tim , still digging through the garbage . I had one thought . It didn 't matter what the watt usage was of this particular appliance . I need my coffee . Ergo , the pot stays right where it is . BuPosted by I have been so dragging tired this past week . School has seemed too big to handle , so much stuff coming from so many different directions . I think that I 'm getting the hang of it , but still , it 's a little overwhelming and I 'm . Just . So . Tired . I 've been trying to study for a test on Tuesday , but it is hard because I wake up in the morning exhausted . I drink coffee and slog through the day . . . exhausted . This morning , getting ready for church , I felt so tired that I allowed myself to think it : ' I 'd better make an appointment to be seen . This is NOT normal . ' I got through church , and visited with friends during the chicken and biscuit dinner that I had no appetite for . Tim and I went grocery shopping . I actually started to feel light headed and woozy , like I might just have to sit down for a minute in the middle of Aldi 's . It felt good to come home , and get things put away . I sat down to study , but it was so hard to stay focused . My head began to ache . I began to get a feverish ' swimmy ' sort of feeling . Something was definately wrong , and , to my own shame , I began to feel those little prickles of fear . I found myself wondering , " What about those bruises all over your legs ? " " What about those aching bones ? " and even " What if the weight loss thing has nothing to do with your good habits ? " On and on . Even though I pride myself on being a practical and logical sort of gal , well , this afternoon , I wasn 't I am embarrassed to say . I kept my fears to myself , not even mentioning them to Tim , but inside , I was quietly , plainly scared . I 've never been so relieved to begin sneezing in all my born days . I 'm coming down with a cold . I feel pretty darn foolish , and am grateful that I kept my fears to myself ( until now , anyhow . . . ) I 'm taking aspirin and putting my feverish self to bed . Catch all you good people on the rebound . Yesterday , I worked , and I worked hard . I like to work hard . Although if I 'd have known that I 'd be working that hard , I wouldn 't have worn a sweatshirt . The cool damp has been a real problem for my bones , and I try to avoid getting cold . It makes me miserable . My sweatshirt was just a wee bit too hot once I got going , hauling pallets out using the pallet jack . Climbing up and down ladders pulling stock from the upper shelves , moving bags of chicken feed or corn or lime . Stuff like that . I was coming around the corner with the ladder when I heard two managers talking . " That Debby , you give her something to do , and she 's ON it . " Nice to overhear a nice comment about yourself . It got me to thinking on the power of positive gossip . I came home and studied for a test . When I went to bed , I was tired . It began to rain , and I lay there , next to Tim , warm and drowsy , listening to the rain pattering on the roof . There was a bright flash of lightning and when the thunder came , it rumbled on and on and on , reverberating from one end of the sky to the other . I lay in bed listening to it , watching the sky sporatically flash , followed by the thunder that rolled on for ever and ever , and I thought about my day , and the days before this day , and the days to come in the arms of a husband snoring gently . I prayed for five kids grown and gone . . . and at some point , I fell asleep . I was pondering over the whole Henry W thing , rereading the e - mail exchange . In hindsight , I was pretty shocked to see that I clearly volunteered for this . But I did . As soon as I realized that the story might not be told , I was raising my hand ( virtually speaking ) and saying , " Then I will do it . " I suppose that part of this is selfishness . I considered it such a story , right away , that I couldn 't imagine that it would not be told . The idea of telling Henry that his story wasn 't important was something that I couldn 't bring myself to do . But , still , after all it was all said and done , I was sitting in the dust saying , " What happened there . . . . " The fact is , Henry has a remarkable remarkable story . I tell stories . So I will tell another one , just bigger than I usually see bumbling along in my normal life . Instead of describing what I see , what I think , I will be describing Henry . I will be describing what he saw , what he thinks . First person , third person . That 's all . I received some very good advice from a reporter , so good I printed it out . Henry 's speaking is assisted , and so formulating answers takes a while , so I 'm working on a list of questions , which he will answer via e - mail . He 's a very good writer himself , which also makes my job a lot , lot easier . I will have to take pictures which will be a challenge for me ( BB ~ I neeeeeeeeeeed you sistah ! ) but I will figure a way . Like ' The Little Engine That Could ' , I have gone from abject terror to breaking it down into steps . ' I think I can , I think I can , I think I can . . . ' What provides the steam for my little engine in this case is my steadfast conviction that this is a story which deserves its telling . I guess the story from Tractor Supply is this : I was waiting on a couple . The woman looked like someone I knew , but I was confused . It couldn 't be her , because she was not with the man that she should have been with . I thought to myself , " Well , Patty must have a sister . . . " These are friends of Tim 's , from when he was a kid , and I didn 't know them all that well myselfPosted by I 'm still losing weight . Not a full pound this week , but the scales are still headed the right way . It 's been cold and rainy and so I had to pull out warmer shirts from the back of the closet , things that I hadn 't looked at since last winter . It was nice to find myself putting on a shirt that I couldn 't wear last winter . I am tired . Just beat . It might be because with the cold and damp came the aching bones . With a vengeance . Don 't know . I talked to a friend who was complaining about the same thing . She 's my age , doesn 't take tamoxifen . Does this simply happen as you get older ? Have I been blaming the tamoxifen for something that simply and coincidently began at the same time ? That was an interesting thought . I think that I 'm starting to get with the program for school . A lot of writing though , and I 'll be working to put together a power point , and . . . well . . . gees . If I start thinking too far ahead , I just make myself nervous . Takes a deep breath . Well . That 's what I 'm up to today . Mrs . Spit has a column plagiarized . I went over to Mommy Outnumbered to compare the two columns . Word for word , except that Mrs . Spit 's was dated first . Turns out that all of ' Mommy 's ' blog posts were swiped from other blogs . Now why would a person do that ? What was she looking for ? Attention ? Pity ? When you read her profile , well , she sounds a little freaky , talking about when she gets an overwhelming urge to be around blood , she goes to play in the ER . ( She claims to be an ER nurse ) . Bizarre attitude . I find myself hoping that she 's NOT an ER nurse . Can you imagine being cared for by a nurse who 's watching everything with a sick fascination , having the time of her life ? Ew . Maybe she 's just a compulsive liar . Terribly lonely . A longing to be someone . Is Katie Pearson even a real person ? We don 't know . Her blog will be taken down and we 'll probably never know the rest of that story . I guess that I 'm nosy . Remember Henry W ? I lobbied for a reporter to do a story on him . I lobbied hard , because really , Henry 's story is such a testimony to the human spirit . I lobbied so well that it was suggested that I do the story because I am so passionate about the topic . * blink * Dang . Did not see that coming . The thing is , I write about little stuff . I write extensively about little stories that amuse but , in the grand scheme of things , don 't matter to anybody but me . Henry 's story is important . Really important . It really deserves a professional . Not me . I 've gone and scared myself spitless . I do meet the most interesting people . Today , on the way home from class , I stopped at the Russell spring to get five gallons of spring water for the water cooler at work . I 'm the logical one to get it since I pass by the Russell spring 6 out of 7 days a week ( minimum ) . So I pulled in and it was raining , a cold mist . There was an elderly man there , along with his wife . He was filling up a bunch of five gallon jugs and was embarrassed to be holding me up . He offered to let me fill my jug , but I said , " It 's cold and it 's miserable , and you were here first . You go on ahead . The spring hasn 't run dry in all the years I 've known it , so I imagine that there will be plenty of water there when you are done . " Seeing his Florida license plate , I also commented , " We 're a pretty laid back bunch here . You hardly ever hear of anyone getting killed in a water dispute at the Russell Spring . " Which made him laugh , and hard , too . He chatted a little , and his wife made a disparaging comment about his talking . Placidly , I said , " Oh , heck . You don 't know me . I can carry on a conversation with a stump . I am a blabber . " She rolled her eyes and jerked her thumb at her husband . " Him , too , " she said , and she said it like it was not a good thing . Another fellow pulled up , and , wouldn 't you know ? He turned out to be a blabber too . The three of us blabbed on , and , outnumbered , the guy 's wife said , " I 'm going to wait in the van , " and so she did . Now , believe it or not , Richard was a roller skating champion , and had competed on the international level . " I 'm 79 , " he said . " I had a stroke a few years ago . The kind of stuff that I did , well , it was just dangerous . I wouldn 't dare try it again . " And he told us how he was mostly recovered , but really , his coordination and balance was not what it was , and he didn 't expect that it ever would be again . " So , " he said , with a big grin , " I took up square dancing . It 's the only way I know that you can grab all the ladies you want , and nobody gets mad . " Pretty funny guy , and we talked easily as I helped him Posted by Today , in about an hour , Dylan will officially turn 24 . It just seems strange to me to think about it . 24 years . In just 10 days , Brianna will be 29 . How the heck is that even possible ? Tempus is fugiting at an incredible rate . Today was sort of an aggravating day . I spent a lot of time on homework this weekend , and I confidently walked into class this morning , to immediately discover that we had an assignment that I did not do . It had been assigned in class . We had been instructed to write down the assignment . I did so . But our assignments are posted on a computer site called ' Angel ' . I did all the assignments on Angel , read the readings , etc . What I did not do is refer back to my scheduling book to make sure there were no additional things to be done . Didn 't even enter my mind . It is all so confusing , and it was mortifying to look at my scheduler there and see it plainly written . ' Research play , handout in red note book ' . To top it off , we had a quiz on the assignment that I had not done . I felt very , very stupid . Valuable life lesson learned . Anyway , we had our class . Followed by the lab . By the end of it , I was tired , and discouraged . My normal low self esteem had me really wondering if it were possible that I would ever be organized enough for this class . I was closing my books and gathering things all together when a woman walked in the door , came directly up to me and said , " Are you Debby ? " I was so astonished that I gaped for few moments before managing to say , cautiously , " Um . Depends . Is this Debby in some sort of trouble ? " Turns out she 's head of a department ( I 'm so flabberghasted that I can 't remember her title exactly , although I do remember her name , because she went to highschool with Tim and graduated with him ) . She read my last column . It was the story of my English class , the story of the young man who wears ammo on his wrist , about listening , about finding common ground . She wants to use it in one of her classes , and asked my permission to do so . I gaped foolishly some more . " Sure , " I said . " It 's public . Go ahead . " And she talked to my teacher about the fact that she had a published author in her classroom . Surprisingly , my teacher knew this too . I wonder when I 'll quit feeling dumb . I wonder if I ever will . After a pleasant weekend , I spent my holiday Monday at the computer . I wrote a column which came quickly and easily . I then researched and wrote a five page argument on teenage drinking . The paper is due Thursday . Just having such a big project out of the way so early in the week makes me breathe a lot more easily . I made a special supper for Tim and made extra so that he had leftovers for supper tomorrow night , since I have to work . I read him the latest column and though he said nothing more than , " That 's very nice , " I could tell it pleased him . Since it was about marriage , about taking things for granted , I felt like it needed his approval and I was glad to have it . That 's it really . I 'm prepared for the week , and being prepared for the week makes me feel confident within myself . It 's been a relaxing sort of weekend . I 've worked , but I enjoyed myself . I guess the story of the day would be this : I watched a local lawyer and her husband walk through the store . As usual , she did not walk with him , but ahead of him , giving the impression that she was not with anyone at all . She seemed irritable and short with him when they came to the register . Their son stood off to the side as his mother harangued the husband , who had pulled out his debit card . She complained that she did not want him to use that card , that she was sick and tired of paying his bills . She pulled a wad of money out of her purse to pay for the transaction , complaining the entire time . He stood there looking at me with an embarrassed sort of half smile on his face . After paying me , she thrust money into his hands , complaining still . I stood there with their change , $ 5 . 01 to be precise , and she was complaining at him still , not noticing . The man extended his hand , and so I gave him that change , which served to anger her all the more , and I felt as if I 'd done wrong . She sailed out of the store in front of him and her son . I 'm sure it was not a pleasant ride home . I felt sorry for them all . I 'm not sure what the man does for a living , but I 've met him before . He is quiet . Seems like a sensible person , practical . This is a family who lives extremely comfortably . Yet for all that they have , what stands out the most is what they do NOT have . And can you imagine anything worse than being trapped in an unhappy marriage to a lawyer who handles divorces ? Oy . After work , Tim picked me up , and we went to a bonfire , and we visited , and I spent a large portion of the night sitting in a lawn chair with a little boy on my lap , a tired boy who was talking a lot simply to keep himself awake , I think . His head leaned into my shoulder as he talked about school and karate , and how smart he was and how strong he was , and I agreed with him again and again , laughing to myself . We talked about chicken nuggets and what we like to dip them in , and althouPosted by The class was required to do an abbreviated Myers Brigg Type Indicator test . It 's part of ' self awareness ' , which is the first step in ' therapeutic use of self ' . I don 't know how much stock I take in this sort of thing , but hey , I do what I 'm supposed to do , so I did the test , which did not take long . It returned the results , listing me as INFJ , which means Introverted , iNtuitive , Feeling , Judgement . I read : " INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents . Strongly humanitarian in outlook , INFJs tend to be idealists , and because of their J preference for closure and completion , they are generally " doers " as well as dreamers . This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn . INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large . They are , in fact , sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people - - a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world . On the contrary , INFJs are true introverts , who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long - term friends , family , or obvious " soul mates . " While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others , at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves , sometimes shutting out even their intimates . This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them , providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent " givers . " As a pattern of behavior , it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders , and hence the most often misunderstood - - particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type . " Reading that this typPosted by I 'm busy . Lots of reading , lots of writing , lots of trying to figure out what I 've already got done and what needs to be done . Mostly I feel like I 'm just trying to keep up . But I love my classes . I love the classroom dynamics of the OT classes . You see the same people over and over again , and you begin to form friendships . I like that part , but you know , I also like interacting with the people in my other classes , the ones that I don 't see so often . The hearty friendly farm boy who sits across the aisle from me in Life Span Development . Marty who sits beside me . The techno kid from English Comp . The fiercely intelligent young man who sits at the end of my row . We often find ourselves staring across our differences to respect each other , and that is always kind of cool when that happens . So I 'm reading and studying and trying to stay on top of it all . Enjoying myself . Enjoying my job . It 's kind of interesting when people come in and stare at me . " I know you , " they say , in a musing way . I look back at their unfamiliar faces and I say , " I don 't know . I 'm Debby H . . . . . . , " and their eyes will widen . They do know me . They read my column . Some of them read this blog . It amazes me , the cross section of people who are followers . I expect women followers , but there 's a lot of guys out there who are regular readers too . It 's nice . It really is . Towards autumn , I always find myself thinking back . September is the month that I found my cancer . I read some of my old blog posts . Two years ago , at this time , life was completely normal . I babbled on , completely unaware , and then on September 26th , I found a lump , and life veered off on this big wide detour . I read through a few of the posts , and , you know , it almost seems unreal , as if it happened to somebody else , yet when I turned the page on the calendar to September just a couple days ago , right away , my eyes sought out the 26th . It 's on a Sunday this year . I 'm glad that I 'll begin the day in church . Just seems right somehow . Mostly what I think is this . I think of the fifty SePosted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal .
|
I had quite a bit of artwork fun this month . The lower kitchen cabinets had a total of 6 doors in our house in Phoenix , AZ . They were painted light yellow . I did different drawings on each one , mostly of nature … flowers , trees , etc . My parents sent a copy of their flag catalog . They had some nice designs . I would often decorate envelopes to friends and family by drawing them onto them . I was getting really fed up with the two dogs that were always in the yard a couple yards away from ours . They barked all the time due to being so cruelly neglected . It was to the point that I had to have fans or music going to drown it out , but didn 't see what could be done about it . I was in the west , and people typically kept their dogs outdoors all the time , though Gloria , the woman behind us , did say the dogs drove her crazy , too . But they were fed and watered and that was all that mattered to the law . Although I still had yet to actually see her , I heard a woman yell a few times at someone while they were moving in . I thought she sounded very mean . She just had a very gruff sounding voice , and little did I know at the time just what kind of hell I would have to endure for so many years . If I had to start all over again , we would have moved the day she and her associates moved in , or I would have fought like hell to have her moved . Maybe I would have even chosen a worse option . I sent a letter to unsolved mysteries explaining that I had attempted to find the camp counselor that looked out for me as a kid when I went camping in Maine , and how I was unable to find her . I was surprised to get a call about the letter from a woman who asked me if I had a photograph of her or any other information . She also asked a little about my childhood , which I kept brief and to the point . I didn 't want to make it a case of the abuse I endured at home . I just wanted to find the woman and give her the heartfelt thanks I believed she deserved . The work that Tom did to fix the roof was a bust unfortunately . Just when it looked like it was going to work after he slaved away at it , the area by the back wall was leaking heavily . The costs were a big concern to us , too . Late one morning I was sitting at the computer when I heard the obnoxious thumping of base . I looked out front and saw a black guy next door killing weeds with his car stereo blaring . I asked him to please turn it down and he apologized , then introduced himself as Mike . He said he and his girlfriend and their 1 - year - old daughter moved in two weeks ago . I had yet to meet the girlfriend , Jo , or see / hear the kid . My pigeons began to eat out of my hand . Their claws scratched a bit , but their beaks didn 't hurt . Hanging out with them was fun . I just wished they didn 't make such a mess ! We went and picked up his mother and took her to buy a tape player while his dad slept . She couldn 't find one she wanted and of course she had to stop and look at things for Nickolena . A lot of her conversation was about her , too . I got the whole grandparent pride thing , but it sure got old after a while . It 's like she would forget that there were other family members besides Nickolena . Not as young , perhaps , but just as human . Then we went back to their place for a little while where the neighbors reminded me of the NHA . The kids next door to them and behind them were screaming up a storm and bashing a ball against their fence . How did they stand it ? I wondered . They said they played their music so loud that they could hear it in the bedroom the night before . I wondered why they didn 't say something , but I would soon learn the hard way that Arizona was no place to complain . And I sure was getting fed up with our own neighbors . Sometimes they came in quietly , but they usually blasted in and out , and I couldn 't help but wonder , had they really forgotten our little talk ? Or did they just not give a shit ? I was on my way over there , intending to slip the note in their mailbox slot , when Mike and Jo were on their way out . They had always reminded me of Barbara and Dave , the couple that lived next to be in the NHA in Connecticut . He was passive while she came off as aggressive . I went to hand her the note because she was closest to me , momentarily forgetting her name . She said her name and took the note . I began to walk away and as I was going through the door to our place , I glanced back at her for a second and caught her staring at me with the strangest expression . It was almost as if she we 're looking at me as if she 'd never seen another human being before . So yeah , the note turned out to be a complete waste of time . They continued to be noisy and not just by way of loud music . There were screaming kids , there were adults shouting , and more . I knew they were going to be a problem as long as they were next to us , and if I could do it all again , I never would have bothered to say a word to them in print or by voice . Especially if I could have had any way to know the hell I would be put through for many years to come . Instead we would have gotten the hell out of there and then contacted the city . They were a reminder that sometimes no matter how nice you may ask something very reasonable of someone , people just don 't care . It 's all about doing what they 're going to do and to hell with those around them that it may affect . They were in their own little world , and as frustrating as it was , I didn 't know how to pull them out of it . I spoke to my Italian mom & dad , and again visited Tom 's parents . Steven and Carol were there and soon Ray and Nora came over as well . Their daughter Jackie was also present with her boyfriend and her boyfriend 's kid . On another visit to his parents ' house , his mom showed me her stash of material . I had brought over the torn fabric from the back of the chair we used by the computer . I picked out a blue floral print pattern and she made a new back for it with my help . It looked great . I asked Larry one day if Jenny , who still hadn 't called , just wanted a quick $ 5 from us or if she got cold feet . Then he told me her mother died . I not only was pretty sure I didn 't really want to hear from Jenny , but I also never cared for her mother to be honest . She was very rude to me once when I was staying with them as a child and once over the phone when I was an adult . Then I was surprised to learn that Kevin " Nervous " died of a heart attack . I felt a little sad over the news . I knew I had really taken advantage of him when I was younger and living back east . On a visit to his parents ' house one day , it was dead quiet due to everyone hibernating indoors because of the heat . The peace was nice for a change , but of course Tom had to do something for them and we couldn 't just visit . This time they wanted him to fix their sink handles and some other stuff . Yesterday I talked with both Larry and Tammy at once . It was the first time the 3 of us talked since I was 19 in 1985 at nana 's funeral . We discussed having a ring made with all our birthstones for mom for Mother 's Day . I drew a simple , yet pretty floral border around a piece of plain white paper and signed it . Then I sent it to Larry to sign and he would send it to Tammy to sign . Dad , who was visiting them , would then bring the ring and the paper we all signed down to her . Tom 's dad turned 83 , and he continued to do things for his parents like mow their yard . It wasn 't that I reminded him helping his parents every now and then ; I just felt like they were taking advantage of him at times , especially his mother , and I wished his 5 other siblings would do as much for them as he did . It just didn 't seem fair . We had our own lawn to mow and our own things to fix . But he was working for them part - time and it was at our expense . Every now and then he would be given little things for his time and effort , and one time his mother sent him home to me with a few cans of my favorite instant coffee due to how often they had him over there slaving away on their 80 - year - old dump . These frugal people who had saved so much damn money over the years they could practically buy a $ 100 , 000 dollar house with cash . Guess who did their taxes in order to know this ? She would have if she could have , knowing the softy her son was , and being as selfish as she was . But this was just a tip of the iceberg . I had yet to learn just how truly self - serving the woman could be and how spiteful her daughter could be as well . I got a free trial offer in the mail consisting of a wine glass and 4 Silhouette Romance novels . Romance was never my favorite genre , but I could deal with it occasionally . The wine glass was pretty even though I rarely drank wine . Andy 's pushiness and lack of sensitivity would really get to me at times . I left him a message about a recent asthma attack I 'd had , and told him that night wasn 't a good night to call , since I was beat and still recovering from it . But he went and called anyway and didn 't even mention it or ask how I was feeling . Tom turned 39 this month and we also had our second anniversary . Unfortunately , however , his dad 's health really went downhill . He was admitted to the hospital for a couple days . They sprayed cornstarch and talcum powder into his lungs to make them bleed . Then they hoped they 'd heal and that the lungs would then stick to the chest cavity . Instead one of his lungs collapsed and he had to have surgery . Tom took some sick days off , as he was emotionally and physically exhausted . He worked on Mary 's car , which was very kind and generous of him , but I wished he 'd take care of himself more and not worry so much about other people 's needs . We had enough stuff of our own to do . Because of this I was caught in a whirlwind of emotions . It was constantly " Tom , will you do this ? " and " Tom , will you do that ? " from various friends and family in which he didn 't have the heart to say no to . That was why they took advantage of him . The constant demands were getting to me . I understood his desire to help his parents in their time of need , but I also felt like our own lives and home was being neglected . It was hard for me as I found myself having to bite my tongue more and more and just put up with it while at his parents ' or Mary 's when I really wanted to put my foot down on our behalf and remind these people that Tom needed to live his life as well . Yet he mowed their lawn and fixed their cars while I clean their house and helped run errands for them . This was while the rest of the family sat on their asses . Mary did help somewhat , but no one else did shit . Much of our work went uncompensated , including the items his mother would ask us to go out and buy , promising to " get us later , " even though they had a lot more money than we had . One day we helped clear out one of the bedrooms in back for dad 's hospital bed for when he was released from the hospital . Then his dad came home with his mom and Mary as some guy was setting up the bed . Then the respiratory therapist came and set up his oxygen . He was tired and in some pain , but very happy to be home . Andy was beginning to drive me crazy as well , just in a different way . By this time he had become extremely talkative and it was hard to get a word in edgewise . He would call and ask how things were going and before I could finish telling him , he would be rambling on about everything and nothing . During one of our many visits ( his parents never once came to our house in Phoenix , just for the record ) , his mom showed me a funny letter from her niece in Michigan . She said every paragraph was " HA ! " Sure enough , all throughout the letter I had counted 16 HAs . Another one to offend me was my parents when they complained that my letters sounded down . Well , I was going through a rough time . What did they expect ? For me to lie to them ? 7 / 1 / 1996 - His dad had deteriorated to the point that he could no longer control his bowels . I felt so bad for him and Tom 's mom . It was a scary reminder that someday we would grow old , too . What was also scary was knowing that since it was looking less and less likely that we would ever have kids , we wouldn 't have family to help us when that time came . Andy gave us a gorgeous shower curtain with soft splashes of pastel colors in a faint flower design . It brought our tiny bathroom to life . Our old one was too dark and kind of ugly , but this one was bright and cheerful . 7 / 14 / 1996 - We went to his parents ' place . Mary and Johnny were there and we all worked on different things . I vacuumed and Tom tore up the filthy , smelly carpet from the room dad was in , then we rearranged the room . Evie and David 's selfishness really bothered me . I was tired of them using their kid as an excuse not to do their fair share of helping his parents . On top of that , they gave him absolutely nothing for helping them move . I really wished Ray , Nora , Evie and David would get off their lazy asses . Instead 80 % of the work fell on Tom while Mary did the rest whenever she felt like it . Sometimes the two of them even stayed overnight at their parents ' place . 7 / 18 / 1996 - Tom spoke to Wendy and said that he didn 't think she would be calling anytime soon . I was glad to hear that . We have enough people demanding shit from us . On another visit to his parents ' , Tom said that his dad was deteriorating quickly . He was very weak and incoherent . He 'd be moaning in pain one minute , then saying he was hungry another minute , then tired the next , and that night he was singing cheerfully for a good 20 seconds or so . 7 / 25 / 1996 - Tom 's dad was now in the final phase of his cancer . A nurse had given him sleeping pills and after 24 hours he still hadn 't woken up . His lungs were so filled with fluid that they made this horrible gurgling sound when he breathed , which he could barely do , Tom told me on what would be his final visit with his dad . It was a sad time , but we also felt a sense of relief in knowing that he was no longer suffering . My new concern was how much time and work his mother was going to need . My compassionate side understood his desire to help her , but my selfish side wanted to get on with our own lives instead of always living for others . 8 / 5 / 1996 - Next door was still blasting in and out of their place and getting worse by the minute . At first I considered telling them I 'd baby - sit for free if they 'd cut the music or do something else for them , but then Tom pointed out that asking them to keep their music for their ears only was making a reasonable request , and you don 't reward people for doing what 's right in the first place . I knew Tom was right . I just didn 't know what else to do . We went to Best Buy 's where I got a great stereo with 3 CD trays , dual cassette , AM / FM radio , with 2 detachable speakers and more features than I could ever use . It had a remote , a clock , timer set , pre - set radio stations and more . It was just under $ 200 . As a bonus I got $ 40 worth of free CDs just for buying a JVC product . So I got 5 Linda Ronstadt CDs and a new 120 - CD rack . Andy called collect from his uncle 's farm 10 minutes away from Tammy 's house . He wanted her number . He didn 't go see her , but they chatted for a couple minutes . Was growing increasingly frustrated with my parents ' constant complaints and the way they would drag others into things that didn 't involve them , including crying on Tammy 's shoulder about some negative and repetitious contents of my letters to them . What did they want me to do ? Lie to them ? I figured that if they couldn 't accept me as I was then maybe it was time to stop sending them letters in the first place . They wanted to know what was going on in my life , but then they didn 't want to hear about it ? There was simply no appeasing them . I began to really realize that nothing I ever said or did would ever be quite good enough for them , and that they would probably complain no matter what . I was surprised to learn that mom admitted to being a shitty mother , and even dad got a little teary - eyed . I supposed it was good that they finally realized their mistakes and could own up to them , but what was done was done and could never be changed . She abused us , he defended her , and nothing could undo this . Nor were there any excuses for it either , such as how shitty my mother 's own mother treated her . If you can 't tell right from wrong as an adult , then you 've got a serious problem . I guess they really did feel bad about giving up on me in my teens , the places I was sent to , the drugs I was doped up on , but again , nothing changed . It was simply too late for regrets . All I knew was that I wasn 't about to deal with any family drama at 30 years old and 3000 miles away . I 'd had enough . Period . 8 / 20 / 1996 - I had just come in from a swim when I found that Tom picked up a lovely treat for me on his way home from work . . . Chinese food . I cooked him pork chops and potatoes , one of his faves . We took his mom 's car for a test drive outside the city in the empty desert , since it had been having problems . It didn 't seem like we went just over 80 MPH in the vast open space , but we did . We went to a place called New River and Black Canyon City . There were only a few tiny towns along the way , but they weren 't even a mile long . You could drive past them in two minutes . There was a prison out there too , for the worst of offenders , so they can be far enough away from civilization . It was so beautiful with lots of Saguaro and Prickly Pear cactuses . I received the most insulting letter from my parents ever , demanding that I absolutely did not talk about certain subjects ever again . It was actually written by my mother , in which my father , being how he usually was , happily went right along with . My mother had always been the kind that only wanted to hear about what she could personally relate to or that interested her . The letter was so insulting that I was so close to not having anything more to do with them . The letter made me feel like they could only accept a part of me and not me as a whole . It was a shitty way to feel , especially by your own parents . Took a trip to Nevada and California . Lots of cacti and Joshua trees along the way . Between Wickenburg and Kingman we stopped for a bite to eat . We brought the camera and camcorder and I did a little filming along the way and shot a few pictures . The drive to and from there was long , tiring and boring , but the scenery was beautiful with lots of huge mountains . I didn 't know there was such a thing as the high desert and the low desert until then . Up in the high desert there were lots of Yucca trees and Joshua trees . In the low desert there were lots of Prickly Pears and Saguaros . I thought the low desert was prettier . We stood on the 24th floor of the Riverside Resort in Laughlin , which had 26 floors . Other than overly hard beds and a couple kids running screaming through the restaurant we ate at , it was nice . We had prime rib and gambled both together and separately . I kept winning and losing the whole time and Tom told me that if I saw something I liked at the gift shop or wherever , to get it while we had the money . So I got some wind chimes and magnets . Andy mailed me coupons for my coffee and we 'd talk about life at times . The more he hung out with Quinn , a guy who never truly loved him in return , the more I feared for his safety . I had a bad feeling that Quinn would either kill himself or someone else if no one killed him first . He was a druggie that didn 't exactly run with a great crowd . She and I chatted and she even did a puzzle in my Word Find book . I left it over there for her . I knew she could use something like that to occupy her time . Andy and I pranked people on this meeting line , setting up dates we knew we 'd never keep and all that silly , mean , immature shit we used to do back then . Sure enough , where women would blow me off before meeting Tom , the guys were quick to keep our " dates " and leave messages asking why I didn 't show up and all that . I later felt guilty for leading the poor suckers on , since they never did anything to me personally . Little Miss Do for Me ( his mother ) had us slaving away for her yet again on her shower surround . Shortly after we arrived , Mary came over cuz we needed her bigger car to haul the shower surround in . Tom and mom went to get it and Mary and I stayed at the house . Ray , Tom 's oldest brother who was about 48 at the time , was in the hospital . The doctors weren 't sure what was wrong with him . His heart was acting weird and he had internal bleeding . I left John Saul , one of my favorite authors , some feedback online . I was surprised with a reply , too . He let me know what he was working on at the moment and gave me his website address . I also located Paula who was now 29 . I hadn 't seen her since she was around 23 . I learned that she lost custody of her eight - year - old son , but had her other son who was four years old . I wasn 't surprised to learn this either . She was an aggressive individual who , as she herself admitted , hated motherhood . I never could fathom why she had a second child after all the complaining she did about the first one when I lived near her back east . Tom made his mom a family calendar for Christmas on the computer . We also got toys , plants and stuff like that for Nickolena , Jackie , Pam , Ryan and Jennifer . Ma also got a variety of puzzle books from us . I got pretty pastel colored computer paper with matching envelopes to use for letters . I also got vanilla bean scented lotion , journals and slippers . On another day at Target he got two pairs of pants and I got two word - find books and a puzzle . The 1000 - piece puzzle had an image of an old cottage in a field of wildflowers . Larry brought up the possibility Jenny and I resuming our friendship , but after I gave it some thought , I told him that while I no longer had any hard feelings toward her , I didn 't see the point in resuming a friendship with someone who was 3000 miles away . The Internet wasn 't what it is today , and I still believed that we were too different from each other . I usually liked opposites , just not that opposite . I eventually met Steven , his wife Carol , and Carol 's son Matthew from a previous marriage . The first thing Carol said when she saw me was , " She 's gorgeous ! Steven , look at her . " I made a drink called Bride 's Pink Punch that I got out of a cookbook . It came out pretty well . It consisted of Jell - O , pineapple juice , Kool - Aid , and 7 - up . The second operation was to take only 2 hours and not 5 . Recovery would be speedy and virtually painless . Nowhere near as rough as the last time . He planned to vaporize the area with a laser . He also wanted to make sure I didn 't get a serious infection . I knew I would have a couple of choices as far as what could be done about the plastic piece that was exposed . I could have the upper ear removed completely , which was what I was leaning toward being the quickest and easiest thing to do . Or I could have it rebuilt from scratch . The doctor could take cartilage from my ribs to rebuild it with . My surgeon said he 'd do another skin graft from the same area under my left upper arm . The scar tissue apparently built up and closed the ear canal shut , so that was why he had to re - graft the outer canal . He said there was a 98 % success rate for the second operation keeping the canal wide open . Decided to mail the " Brady Bunch " next door a letter about the constant screaming I was tired of dealing with every day . Some noise , I expected and was acceptable , but every day for hours at a time ? There was no excuse for that . Andy called to tell me that Fran was harassing his friend Donna 's grandmother . As bad as I felt for the woman , I didn 't know what to tell her . All she could really do was change the number or hang up on him . I got some intimates , hair accessories , and two 500 - piece puzzles . One had two teddy bears at a picnic with bowls of strawberries . The other had lace and flowers surrounding teddy bears . When I was done I carefully flipped them over , put duct tape on the backs , then hung them on the wall . Andy and I hung out one night and grab some fast food . I brought him his taxes , which Tom did for him . I got a surprise letter from Larry , though he admitted that the only reason I got it was because he got a new computer . He , unlike me , hated to write . On the very day Andy had a root canal done , I have my second and final ear surgery . The second surgery was a piece of cake compared to the first one . The only bitch was the waiting time . We spent around $ 200 one day . We got a new lamp for the back room and other stuff we needed . He got new work clothes , too . My parents sent a newspaper article with a picture of my dad holding one of the decorative flags they sold . Apparently a law was passed , and then tossed out , about businesses putting up flags that 'd make the place look like a circus . They also sent a water resistant clock / radio that would be good to use around the pool , as well as some puzzles . Lastly , there were 3 pairs of shorts , a vest , and a jacket . The jacket was a bit big , but beautiful , so I didn 't care . My favorite was the denim shorts with gold studs and gemstones along the pockets . Tom found a note for me on the front door from a couple months ago . I don 't know how we missed it . Two of the girls next door typed it up . They apologized for all the noise , which was really nice of them . All the kids over there had been getting pretty carried away with the shouts and screams for hours at a time ( these kids were homeschooled ) and with their place being just a few feet away , it could get pretty maddening at times . One living in a house shouldn 't feel like they were still in an apartment , so I appreciated their understanding . We visited his parents one day . Tom showed his mom some stuff on the computer and mom said she would sew the straps to one of my halter tops on in a way where they wouldn 't slip off . Dad entertained me on the pachinko machine while they worked . Later in the month Tom got a vanity table from Mary 's , but we had extra space in the second bedroom for that . It was old - fashioned looking but nice , with 3 small drawers on either side of it . Tom attached its large center mirror . One day I found myself remembering the brief time I attended summer camp in Maine as a child . At first I thought I was 9 , but would later come to realize I was 11 . One counselor was especially nice to me , and that meant a lot to me with all the abuse and negativity I was usually surrounded by . I couldn 't remember her name , but just that she was of average height and weight with shoulder length dark hair and dark eyes . The next morning I 'm pretty sure she cooked us breakfast . Maybe bacon and eggs . Then we were running through the woods playing with her dog . I remember being amazed at how she would hide behind a tree , remain still and silent , yet the dog would always find her . After this she said , " I 've got a present for you . " It was a Polaroid of the dog . I ditched it when I was around 22 , though , and was sorry I 'd done so . " What am I gonna do till my dad arrives ? " I asked shortly afterwards . I was nervous because I knew he was going to be really disappointed in me and that my mother would be utterly furious . In my last memory of her , we were outside the office waiting for my dad . He drove up and she commented on how handsome he was . Then she hugged me goodbye . I got in the car , looked back and waved . A detective called him because he prank called what I believe was a customer 's family member . This was back when he was a waiter . Pretty sure it never went to court , though . I did some wall art . Or door art , I should say . There was a little spice cabinet in the kitchen . I noticed that my cactus figurine I painted cast a perfect shadow on the wall , so I traced it . Then I drew it on the door with carbon paper . All around it I drew colorful stripes . Tom surprised me with a beautiful 3 - D journal . I have no trouble seeing the image . The cover had cat faces all over it and the hidden image was of a cat hovering over a fish bowl . We went to the new main library , which was huge . It had 5 floors and a glass elevator where you could see all around you . I got a book by John Saul that day . He was always one of my favorites , along with Dean Koontz , Ruby Jean Jensen , Stephen King , and Mary Higgins Clark . They didn 't have a date yet , but sometime in the fall my parents and their bird , a cockatiel , would be on America 's Funniest Home Videos . They sent them a tape and they got a letter back saying they 'd been accepted . Dad told me that the bird would climb down his throat and would sing and laugh . It could also say about 60 words . For our first anniversary we went to play miniature golf at Castles & Coasters . We filmed some of their gorgeous scenery . I got overheated in the end and nearly passed out , so I got some water and then we left . We also went to Red Lobster later , came back , and took a dip in the pool . I noticed a palm tree coming up in the corner of the block wall by the pool . I thought it was about time that we had one on our property . For years this Mexican family who made and sold jewelry , rented a house near his parents ' house . Whenever they 'd go visit family in Mexico they 'd leave their jewelry - making supplies at their house . One day they left and never returned . The stuff stayed with them for years with no one interested in it . I was surprised and grateful when his mom gave it to me . There were millions of different beads in so many different colors . Mostly tiny microscopic beads , but there were some bigger ones . There were longer beads , colored glass stones , lots of silver chains , some clasps , raw and polished turquoise , and all kinds of sequins . Not just regular little round sequins , but bigger ones in shapes of birds , flowers , moons , etc . I would definitely have fun making others and myself all kinds of fun things , as I was more into that sort of thing back then . Andy told me that he and his friend Michelle went to the home of a popular female rock star in Paradise Valley on trash night , and they grabbed a bag of trash . In it they found lyrics and notes she wrote herself . He was able to learn that she was recently in a local recording studio , was putting out a new album , and going on tour soon . A credit report showed that both a woman and a man shared her credit card . The guy bought $ 5 , 000 worth of stuff . He found the name of her dentist in Scottsdale , as well as 3 other doctors who gave her prescriptions for pain , swelling , and congestion , which she picked up at Osco drugstore . The funniest and strangest thing was an unopened letter from a fan named Sally . Obviously she 'd gotten mail before from this weirdo . Sally , who appeared to be a lovesick lesbian living in Scottsdale , wrote her a corny poem . Nothing was funny as the tape of her singing and playing the guitar , though . Some of her guitar playing was okay , but never had I heard such horrible singing in my entire life . Along with my third Word Find puzzle book in which I was now receiving a monthly subscription for in the mail , I got another 3 - D journal , and a kitten puzzle . Plus I doubled my dog mug collection and added a Maltese , a Sheltie and a Golden Retriever . I also got a pair of white Velcro sneakers , a pair of white sandals , a pair of black sandals , and some CDs . We went out to Denny 's and to Office Max later in the month . He got some disks , mailers , and labels for the business . I got pens , clear plastic folders to protect my drawings , and a paper cutter . Andy said he had an experience with a ghost that was anything but positive , and he did a lot more than just sense it . He told me that one night he was lying awake in total darkness . He said he couldn 't see anything , but could feel a guy crawl onto the bed from the foot of it , and then it raped him . He said it wasn 't painful , but he could things . He said that the next day it felt as if something had been up his butt , but there was no pain . He built a table we put in the living room so I wouldn 't hog up space on the kitchen table with my puzzles . I then spray - painted the table Pasadena Pink . The can looked bright pink , but it was more of a bright red once it dried . Goldie and Al surprised me with a call . They were long - time family friends that were to be in Sun City and wanted to know if they could meet with us . I was delighted . I would meet them at the home of Al 's sister . They had come to Sun City to pack her up , sell her house , and move her back east because she 'd gotten too old to live alone . We visited for a few hours and it was great seeing them after so many years . At Walgreen 's I got birthday cards for Kim and my youngest niece . We also got a couple of pool noodles . Got a CD with 1000 fonts but most of them sucked and weren 't very original . My parents sent a package with pens , hair barrettes , decorative flags , daisy seeds , and 3 gorgeous journals . I was surprised my parents sent me journals because they usually didn 't send things that I really , really liked . The most surprising thing were old home movies they 'd had transferred to videotapes . There was no sound on the old movies , but it was both cool and not so cool seeing old friends and family , most of which are now dead , in various states and places . Everyone agreed I looked barely 2 years old when I was really 4 at the time the movies were filmed in 1969 , mostly by my maternal grandfather . Tom 's mom said I looked like a miniature version of how I looked in 1995 . OMG , the clothes and hairstyles , though ! My mom suggested painting our block wall a solid light blue - green , then painting in fish , manatees , lobsters and seaweed similar to what some artists had done on the block wall that surrounded their community pool . I never did get around to this , but instead I decorated our linen cabinet . I traced some plastic musical notes / G - clefs lightly with a pencil and then I colored them in . I began to wonder whatever happened to the diary I wrote in in my early teens . I didn 't remember throwing it out , so I assume it ended up in my mother 's hands . That must 've been interesting since I mostly wrote about my fantasies , dreams and stories . Trust me , my reality certainly wasn 't worth writing about back then . Tom was offered a full - time position at work . He went to his parents ' house to work on Mary 's car . Mary was there as well as my niece Nickolena . It was many hours of work , but Mary gave him $ 40 , which was nice . I was still feeding our local pigeons . I got a kick out of how I 'd go outside , stick my arms straight out at my sides , and they would fly down from the utility poles and wires and onto my arms . I just hated the mess they made . Tom won $ 300 at the racetrack ! We saw my dad on America 's Funniest Videos with his bird . He was only on for about 10 seconds , but it was cool to see . My parents were disappointed with the winners because they didn 't even find them funny . Judging never seemed fair no matter what it was , especially since they would always favor kids . Why not let them have their own video contests then ? I would say . Andy called to do what he did best - discuss his problems with friends with others . He had a fight with Pam . She supposedly scammed him by selling him shitty weed or something . My mother quit smoking , but only for a few months . She said she got real sick , had to go to the hospital , and then she gave the doctor her cigarettes and said she quit . She went out and got a needlepoint kit to keep her hands busy . Money was tight . Tom sold his trumpet for $ 180 in order to get the money for the new hot water tank we needed . Pam and John woke Andy up one day pounding on his door for half an hour . Andy had given them some things he didn 't want , and they had given him a table they were now saying he didn 't pay for . He couldn 't tell the cops this , but he didn 't pay for it because they cheated him by selling him shitty pot . Not wanting any more problems from the nutty duo , he gave the cops the table to give to them , and Pam and John returned the unwanted stuff that Andy had given them , hoping this would file them away in the past an be the end of them . At first , Mary did her thing in another room on their computer while I read out in the living room . Then I dared to share with her that I had been having trouble conceiving and my mixed emotions about it . She seemed to really sympathize with me because she once lost the baby and ended up needing a hysterectomy afterwards . I asked that she keep our discussion secret , but us I would later learn , she didn 't . Now knowing that she couldn 't be trusted , I was careful with what I shared with her in the future . Someone had been calling and hanging up , so I called my parents to see if they have been trying to reach me . Mom said she 'd leave a message if she needed to get ahold of us . They were on their way out to play bingo when I called , saying they 'd win every third time and play with about 150 people . They 'd won anywhere from $ 50 to $ 200 . I got a package from my parents . Every so often she would go through her place and send stuff she no longer wanted . She sent some beauty products and this disgusting tasting toothpaste . She also sent decorative flags . Two of them were nice , one was boring , and one was ugly . It had a mug of beer with the words : This Bar Is open . Next , I took a tiny canvas and painted it pinkish red . When it dried I painted white lily flowers on it with green leaves around it . Then I outlined it for contrast with brown using a liner . Also using a liner , I put brown veins in the leaves . I had an idea for my big canvas . To divvy it into 6 squares and paint each square a different color . Then to do a different flower design in each square after the background colors dried . We checked out a paper store , but all they had were kits to glue books , and plastic spirals . I wanted metal ones cuz they were sturdier . The damn paper puncher was $ 300 , so typing and then binding journals with decorative covers was out of the question at the time . Tom did some work on his aunt 's water tank . I began to wonder why it always had to be my husband that people called upon to fix their shit , but the answer was obvious . He was the smartest and most capable . But yeah , it got annoying at times because it meant we 'd lose some time together . I also didn 't like it when he wasn 't paid fairly for his work and I felt that he was being used . • A hand - held mirror with a plastic brush on the back of it . • A framed picture of dad in their store . • A bird feeder . • Three turtles made out of shells . • An alligator pin , necklace and earrings . • Two needlepoints , one of a musical note and one of a southwestern design . Jenny had been one of his many mistresses for a while . The guy even admitted he was quite a slut , and it was true . He fucked every female friend I 'd introduced him to . Variety was a must - have for my brother . After taking some time to reflect on things , I didn 't see the point in resuming a friendship with someone thousands of miles away and that I had last known myself not to have much in common with . In the past I hadn 't been the perfect friend , but then neither had she . I wasn 't a firm believer in forgiveness either , for I had learned that if you didn 't forgive someone , then they would never have the chance to burn you again , something that often seemed to be the case whenever I 'd play kiss and make up with someone . Jenny and I had come to be very different people with very different interests . She found me to be boring because I wasn 't into partying . I found her to be very selfish because everything had to be her way . Eventually Jenny dumped me and I paid her back in the form of a series of prank phone calls . Not a very smart thing to do , but that was just my way back then . In the end she was denied the legal revenge she sought for it and we continued on our merry little separate ways . • A music box of a mother dog at one end of a seesaw and two pups at the other end . It teetered up and down as music played . Tammy , who still had a few years to go in medical school , sent a card and some pictures of the girls . Tom 's mom told me an interesting story when we were sitting out in Mary 's backyard one day . A guy that lived with his wife a couple houses down killed his wife and buried her in the backyard . A pool was later built over her grave . Twenty years later the daughter ratted on daddy , they dug up the area , and found the body . The 8th - Got an offer for a free dance class and loved it . It was loads of fun . Decided not to bother signing up , though , cuz no one would be straight with me when it came to pricing , and I doubted we could afford it anyway . The 13th - The disability people ( SSI ) had me meet with their clinical psychologist . He asked for current and past medical and mental info . Also did some memory tests . Pissed off as the band across the street continues to annoy me , sometimes waking me up as well , and starting to seriously believe a noise curse had been put on me . It seemed I just couldn 't find any peace no matter where I lived and what I lived in . Excessive noise would follow me everywhere . The 20th - Tom 's friend Geri , which he knew for several years , was to move back to Arizona with her daughter from South Dakota . I 'd always gotten bad vibes from Geri and so I wasn 't looking forward to her return at all . Tom felt bad for her daughter , otherwise he wouldn 't have bothered being friends with Geri . The 29th - Got a really nice letter from my dad and called to thank him . My mother answered and reminded me that she only wanted me calling once a month and no sooner . I hung up on the insulting bitch . Kim and I were stunned to learn that Bob was in jail . He was being charged with giving alcohol to minors as well as the rape of a minor . It was the rape charges that shocked us . We could see him being stupid enough to be too nice to say no if some of the neighborhood kids tried to weasel booze off of him , but forcing himself on anybody ? We just couldn 't see this , especially for a guy who was older and not very strong . One night we ordered dinner to be delivered to the house . He got a pizza and I ordered a prime rib dinner . It was supposed to be $ 19 , but they screwed up and the whole thing only cost $ 11 . The city came and spray - painted out the graffiti on our outer block wall . We were on the corner , so the back faced the alley while the side faced the street . Someone spray - painted the word Kraze on the side . He told me he was locked down 22 hours a day . The other 2 were for showering , eating and making phone calls . He said he 's soon expected to be moved to Gardner , and was depressed over Kim because he loved and missed her . I was terminated from disability and saw it as a major turning point in my life . I was still covered by Medicaid but Tom assured me that if they stopped it the next day , he 'd marry me right away . I thought this was so sweet of him , and I knew he had come to love me just like I had come to love him . May The weather warmed up and so did the pool . The only problem was that the constant screaming coming from next door made it very hard to get any peace within our own backyard . It went on for hours at a time , and I was never as glad as I was when they finally took off for Idaho for the summer . I understood the kids needed to be kids ; I was just sick of hearing it on my own turf , and beginning to wonder why the hell I ever thought I wanted a kid of my own . Bob asked if I was interested in being pen pals with another inmate . At first I considered it as long as the person wasn 't a sex offender , but then decided against it . The guy he had in mind was in for involuntary manslaughter , a common plea bargain for murder . Not only that , but he was familiar with the area I lived in . The last thing I needed was for him to eventually get released and then return to Arizona and stalk me . On June 15th Tom and I were married in Vegas . A Limo took us to the Ex - Caliber Hotel from the airport . The room was done in a medieval theme , which I didn 't find very attractive , but it was spacious enough . We enjoyed the casinos , gift shops , restaurants and more . For me it was so cool to see things that I 'd only seen in pictures , like the lighted cowboy and cowgirl . We gambled at other hotels as well like the MGM Grand , Pyramid , Luxor and Tropicana . He wore black pants and a light blue dress shirt , and I wore a royal blue spaghetti strap jumpsuit that was short . I also wore my black pumps and the diamond earrings my mother gave me . My long hair was left down and flowed to my waist . I got two packages from mom and dad after we returned home . One with jewelry and another with silver candlesticks . Since I was getting older and keeping weight off wasn 't as easy , I decided to order Denise Austin 's 1 - 2 - 3 Tone Up kit . It was an exercise video that came with weights you added to a holder that strapped to your leg . It also had wrist weights . Then the bastard called the Glendale Police Department , which contacted me to ask about a friend of Andy 's that had stopped being pen pals with him . The girl stopped corresponding with him probably because she got sick of him , and Fran , being the insane asshole that he was , thought something bad happened to her . The woman I spoke to , however , was very understanding and said she could tell when talking to Fran that she was dealing with someone who wasn 't right . Tom 's parents gave us a wedding card and a check for $ 250 . We also received gifts and money from other family members as well . Some of those gifts included a food processor and a deep fryer . I got a nice floral sundress and white pumps for my sister - in - law , Mary 's , wedding . She married a guy named Dave , a native New Yorker . I liked him . He had a good sense of humor . It was at Mary 's wedding that I met her , Dave , and other family members for the first time . Mary didn 't look like I pictured her to look . Since she was getting older I thought she would have short hair like most of the others had , but it was long . It looked nice on her and made her look younger . The wedding and reception were nice . There were about 20 - 30 people and the reception was at Mary 's house . I loved the layout of her three - bedroom house . Where we had a play pool that was shallow on the ends and only about 5 feet deep in the middle , she had a diving pool . Unlike us , she didn 't have a Jacuzzi . Her lot was also wider and shorter where ours was skinnier but deeper . I ordered this thing called Phase - Out in hopes of quitting smoking . It punched tiny holes in the filters of the cigarettes , but it didn 't do me any good . If anything I just smoked more . Andy brought over 50 - 60 hotdogs one day . He had a friend who drove a truck and delivered food , so they 'd end up with lots of extras . I was never big on hotdogs , but Tom was thrilled since it was always one of his favorite foods . August Had my second meeting with Larry at our house in Phoenix , and this time he brought his then 10 - year - old daughter Jenny . Jenny looked remarkably like her mother . She was only two inches shorter than me and had hair past her ass . Tom speculated that someone who knew me and knew I got married sent it , but I was unable to think of who would send such a thing . There was no return address on the letter , and it was handwritten . It looked like a female 's handwriting , though I didn 't recognize it . I wondered if it was from one of those home money - making jobs I so stupidly sent away for information on . But then Tom reminded me that I sent away for that under my maiden name . When I received my medical records from my old PCP in the middle of the month , I was incredibly insulted and downright stunned when I read her personal notes . The older me would 've called her and had something to say about it , but I simply blushed with embarrassment and ignored it . I hated to share it with my new doctors , thus giving them the wrong idea about me , but I didn 't see any way around it . They say there 's a difference between basing an opinion on a belief versus a fact . Well , this one certainly based hers on either false beliefs or a very vivid imagination . Not sure which one it was . Nonetheless , she apparently took me a little too seriously when she quoted me as saying , " Am I gonna die ? I have to live long enough to be a famous singer . " I realized when I read all the shit she wrote that you can never really know what someone 's thinking . I found it sad - even a little scary - that a professional such as a doctor could be so two - faced . She had always been kind to me and so I was surprised to learn what she was really thinking the whole time . October We met with the doctor that would be operating on my ear . He looked younger than I expected . Tom made a good point in saying that he was old enough to have experience , but young enough to have a steady hand . He planned to do the skin graft under my arm . He was almost positive I 'd be able to hear , and the risks were quite minimal . He planned to go in right where the canal was supposed to be , then find the bone and follow it , careful to avoid the facial nerve . I learned that when you 're an embryo your ear canal forms , then shuts , then reforms . Mine never reformed . The inner ear did , but not the outer ear . Andy and I became phone buddies with a girl named Karson . Karson was a little strange , but interesting . I don 't remember how Andy " met " her , but it would be quite a while before they 'd actually meet in person . I never met her other than over the phone when Andy introduced us via three - way calling . Andy quit his job as a waiter at Denny 's . He got so fed up with his manager that it was the first time he quit a job before finding another . One day my parents called and Tom answered . My mom said , " Hi Tom . Do you know who this is ? " Tom guessed it was Andy as he could only pick out the definite northeastern accent . November We went to the state fair early in the month for a couple hours . It was lots of fun and a lot like the Big E back in Massachusetts . They even had the same wavy yellow slide . I got cotton candy and we both got ice cream . We also went on the ski lift and the Ferris wheel . For only $ 12 , I got a lavender crepe skirt with a matching top . The top had white lace trim with a tiny purple satin ribbon in front . It was very feminine . Toward the end of the month I was surprised with a phone call from longtime friends of my parents ' , Goldie and Al . They were to be in Sun City to move Al 's aging sister back east and wanted to see me , meet Tom , and take us both to the Olive Garden for dinner . We had a wonderful time . I hadn 't seen them for about a decade and it was great to catch up on each other 's lives . December Other than the kids next door driving me nuts , and getting attacked by ants when hanging laundry on the clothesline , I would have two operations on my ear this month . The first operation on the 7th to drill the ear canal lasted five hours , a little longer than expected . I was extremely sore afterwards and could barely move my jaw because the doctor took a piece of muscle from it . After I signed some papers once I arrived at the hospital , they took us back to a little room , which was sectioned off by curtains and sort of looked like an ER . A nurse put my clothes in a bag , which she put in a locker , and Tom hung onto my purse . The nurse also took my vitals and inserted an IV . Then she injected something into it that made me very woozy . I remember hugging Tom , and then that was it . When I came to , the nurse was moving me from stage 1 to stage 2 of recovery . It seemed to take forever to get me up and going enough to get dressed , which Tom basically had to do for me , and then into the car so we could head home . I was immensely groggy and achy . Things sounded weird and my head felt weirder . Loud sounds like airplanes flying overhead where especially strange , and many sounds seemed muffled and distorted like when you have a severe head cold . My face was swollen and I had a black eye from all the pressure . Tom was wonderfully supportive and I was ever so glad that I never attempted to have this surgery while I was still single . It was definitely nothing anyone could go through alone . I was pretty out of it for the first week and in pain . I got cards and flowers from some people , including my parents , and they also sent Tom a really nice watch to show their appreciation for his support . Tom changed the gauze on my arm regularly where the skin graft was done . I could already hear some sounds and looked forward to when the doctor removed the inner packing . Until then , dissolvable stitches and packing were present to keep the eardrum still until it healed . When it came time to remove the packing inside the canal , we found thJodi Showers
|
Friday of Father 's day weekend , I was back in bed shortly after lunch . It was reminiscent of that time period starting in February and lasting through to May , when I was then diagnosed with a sinus infection . At the time I was diagnosed with the sinus infection , I began to wonder if the " down " period I 'd been having - which was being blamed on a virus by my doctor , and grief by my therapist ( and me ) - was actually the result of the sinus infection . Shortly after the anti - biotics started kicking in , the fatigue started going away . I was not splayed out on the couch all the hours I was " awake " , and I wasn 't falling asleep in my food . So I came to the conclusion that it was the sinus infection knocking me out , and I went about my life . But the 16th , it hit me just after lunch and I ended up going back to bed shortly after eating some soup . I had plans to go out with my brother and his new girlfriend ( our first meeting with her ) Saturday night , but the way I 'd been feeling on Friday , I wasn 't sure I could make it . I spent most of Saturday in bed again , feeling exhausted but not sleeping . It was so frustrating . I was nauseated almost all the time , felt off - balance , weak , and just plain worn - out . I hauled myself out of bed to go out to dinner with Hub and my brother and his girlfriend , but basically felt like crap all evening . Sunday was Father 's day and we were supposed to go over to my father 's for a cookout . I stayed in bed most of the day with the hope that I would have enough energy to make it through the evening at Dad 's . I didn 't do much of anything once we were there , I ate very little ( which was how I 'd been eating since I started feeling shitty , because the nausea is so bad that everything looks and smells gross … ) , and we stayed only long enough to eat , chat a bit , and that was it . Monday morning I made an appointment to see the doctor again , but instead of staying in bed , I tried to go back to my normal routine . All the times I 'd been in bed , I wasn 't sleeping … I was just lying there thinking of how tired I was . It felt stupid , so I decided to just stay awake in my recliner and try to act as normal as possible . As the day went by , I decided that I needed to get back to my cardiologist . The extreme fatigue and nausea and weakness was enough to spur me to make an appointment with him , even though I doubted it was a heart issue . I didn 't want to wonder , and it 'd been a year since I 'd last seen him . I decided that there was no reason for me NOT to go see the cardio , so I made the appointment . As it turned out , I had both appointments on the same day , one in the morning and one in the afternoon . I saw the cardio first , and even though there was a scheduling snaffu , they saw me anyway . The doctor did his regular exam , talked to me for a bit , reviewed my tests from my primary earlier in the year , and did an EKG . He said he saw nothing to suggest there was a heart issue , that my test and exam were both normal . But , he said , since I 'd had the stress test last year , he suggested I go ahead and get an echo - cardiogram to round out the cardiac testing . So they set me up with an appointment for this week ( tomorrow ) at their other office , which had an opening sooner than the local office . I went in to see my primary that afternoon . We talked about how I was feeling , then she did HER exam . She asked if I was getting the same * smell * as when the sinus infection was diagnosed last time and I said no . I don 't think I am , though sometimes I get the phantom idea of the smell … But since it 's not consistent like it was last time , I think I 'm imagining it as the memory of what it was . Without any other options , my primary suggested it might be allergies . Her thought was to try allergy medications to see if it made me feel better , and then to consider seeing an allergist . Last time when she didn 't know what was going on , it was as virus . This time , allergies . So I said THANKS , gathered myself and left the offices . I did make an appointment with an allergist recommended by my cousin , who is a pediatric allergist and whose husband is allergic to everything and loves his allergist . Sadly , they can 't see me until mid - August . So I have to decide what to do between now and then . Although I am still tired , it 's not as all - consuming as it was that Fri - Sat - Sun , and I 'm using a homeopathic nasal spray ( with capsacin and eucalyptis ) to try to keep my nasal passages open and draining . So if there is a potential for a sinus infection brewing , I 'm at least keeping the sinuses draining instead of stagnant . It 's an interesting spray , with not as much burn as I 'd expected . It does seem to keep my sinuses open , so that 's good . Prior to all of this , I also saw my orthopedic doctor about my left shoulder . I can 't raise my arm above shoulder height , and moving it in certain directions is incredibly painful . He took an xray , did a physical , and pronounced me with an impingement . I gotta get in to see the physical therapist to start working on it . He said if PT doesn 't work , it 'll be a steroid shot . Ech . I haven 't made an appointment yet because I 've been run - down with everything else . July is going to be mobbed . I have my 2 year cancer check , which will include a CT scan after my visit with the gyn onc . I also have a trigger point appointment , I need to get my hair " fixed " for my cousin 's wedding , and … well , I 'm going to see a psychic - medium about my Mom . And then my cousin 's wedding . Plus we need to find a dog - sitter for when we 're at the wedding . I 'm not sure when I 'm going to fit in PT . Ugh . Of course this arm - thing has been going on for several months , so it 's not like I don 't know how to deal with it … Did I mention the wedding at the end of the month is a FORMAL wedding ? At a local Four Seasons fancy - shmancy hotel . I had to find a formal gown ( A GOWN ) , I had to find shoes ( I hate shoes ) , and just tonight we went out so I could get the dress altered because it 's too long and I hate the sleeves . But I liked the rest of the dress and it was on sale so I bought it and just told the seamstress to hack off the sleeves . AND I 've been helping my father clean some stuff out of his house for donation . Which means I was also cleaning some stuff out of MY house for donation . Hub and I stopped tonight and dropped off a ton of sheets and blankets ( and 2 twenty pound boxes of dog treats ) at our local animal control / shelter . My brother ( # 2 with the cray - cray ex ) called me last evening to see how I was doing . I was kind of surprised but pleased , because I didn 't expect it from him . My father has been checking on me by phone , too . I did okay last night , though I stayed up late again . I didn 't have any snake nightmares that I remember , but I was so damn exhausted when I turned off the lights and TV that I probably didn 't have the energy to dream . I was up on time to feed the dogs this morning and take them out . No sign of the snake , but I didn 't hang around looking for it either ! After that , I went back to bed , hoping that I could waste some hours by sleeping . I dozed on and off for a couple of hours , but Butthead decided I needed to get my ass out of bed ( bark bark bark bark bark bark ) , so I gave up . Today was the slowest and least active day of the four . I didn 't cook anything or bake anything or clean anything . I ate soup for lunch and leftover takeout food for dinner . And I had gelato as a snack this afternoon because I wanted it . The snake repellent showed up via Amazon one day delivery . I immediately took it out and sprinkled the smelly crap all over the garden and bushes up against the house . I think the smell kind of freaked out Butthead , but that doesn 't take much . I have no clue if it 'll work , but I guess it makes me feel slightly better to try doing something . I went to visit my father ( which I 've done every day over these past four days ) and spent a little time chatting with him . I talked to Hub a few times , but he 's been busy site - seeing and hanging out with his father and sister . Soon he 'll be on the plane heading home … and I couldn 't be happier . I hope the flight is swift and easy and he can rest as he wings his way home . Took the dogs out at 10pm and saw no snakes . That was good news . Of course , I let them pee and hurried them back into the house . When Hub is home , he allows Le Moo to lounge on the patio for a while at 10ish , but I wasn 't letting her get away with that . Especially with the potential for snake - lurking . I 've got half a book to read , so once it 's done I 'll turn out the lights and try to sleep for a couple of hours . I have my alarm set to get up in the morning and to call my father to wake him . He 'll drive to the airport with me to pick up Hub , since I don 't like to drive the interstate to get to the airport . I mean , I could do it , but I don 't like to and my father likes to help when he can . Thanks for sticking with me , ya 'll . I really blogged this week so I can remind myself that I was able to do this if I ever have to look back . But honestly , it did help to know you all were rooting for me , too ! I stayed up reading last night until about 1 am , then fell asleep . Then I was up at 5 : 45 am and that was it , I was up for the day . I tried to fall back asleep , but couldn 't . I finally got out of bed at 7 : 30 and fed the dogs , then took them out . Then I went back to bed but was too restless to even doze . I had to be out of the house by 9 : 30 for my massage , so I just gave up and got dressed at 8 : 30 . I thought the massage would be good and relaxing - since I did ask for a relaxing massage and not trigger point - but I kind of felt icky and my head felt real stuffy and swollen when I was on my stomach . And my face felt swollen in the face rest thingy . Afterward I was so tired that I had trouble driving home . Then I had to feed the dogs their mid - day meal and take them out . I had hoped to rest after that , but it didn 't work out . I tried reading and watching TV , but the dogs kept wanting to go out so I kept having to get up . On and off I IM 'd with Hub as he was running errands and getting things ready for the wedding . He 's getting kind of irritated with his father at this point . They don 't really get along too well on a regular basis , and their politics are polar opposite . So Hub is feeling edgy and unhappy . He still has to get through tomorrow without going crazy , then tomorrow night late he gets on the plane to come home overnight . Okay , so I did the dinner thing and fed the dogs and retrieved a wedding invitation from my mailbox from my cousin . I went to check in on my father to see if he got his invitation , then to remind him he needed to try on his suit , in case he needed to buy a new one . Then I came home , I took the dogs out , did their after dinner snacky , took them out again , then sat down to read and play some games on my iPad . I was able to stretch out the evening so I only had to take the dogs out again at 10pm before bedtime . So at 10pm I take them downstairs and outside . One goes one way , the other goes the other way , so I stand just off the deck on our small paver patio to wait for them . Then I see Le Moo sniffing at something on the patio about 3 feet away from me … and I step closer to take another look . It 's cicada time here , so I was thinking it was a live cicada and she was going to try to eat it - experience speaking here - and I was prepared to admonish her . And then I realized it wasn 't a cicada . On my patio , right off my deck , right outside my back door . Last Friday I beat a smaller snake to death out in the yard after I nearly walked on it while picking up dog poop . Fortunately , I spotted it while still about six inches away and I hotfooted it back to the house and grabbed the hard metal rake that had been sitting on the deck . I found the snake in the yard again - out toward the back closer to the fence and the " woods " back there - and I beat that fucker to death . It took me like five minutes because the damn thing wouldn 't die … I think because there are ruts in the grass out there so I wasn 't getting good contact with it . When I was sure it was dead I used the rake to pick it up and I threw it out over the fence into the brush . I hurt my arms , my back , and the back of my legs trying to kill it . Okay , so back to tonight . The damn snake is on the patio , brazen as you please , bigger than the one from Friday - at least 2 feet long - head up , glaring at Le Moo . Le Moo starts backing away and I order her to go up onto the deck . But Butthead is out on the other side of the snake in the yard , peeing , and she finishes and comes running back and she always runs on the patio . And of course she has to run right past the snake , which she does , but then she does a double - take and goes back … and I 'm screaming at her to get away from the damn snake and she 's sniffing right at it because she 's STOOPID . So I finally order her away and both dogs into the house , and I rush into the garage to get a shovel … but by the time I get back outside the fucker is GONE . So now it 's either in the bushes right up against the house and next to the patio , or it 's in the grass somewhere . So now I gotta go back out there tomorrow , wondering where it is . Is it lurking in the bushes ? In the grass ? Is it gonna jump out and BITE ME or the dogs ? I don 't like killing things . Friday was the first time I 'd ever killed a snake … or probably anything other than ants and spiders . Before that , Hub had killed two of them since we 've lived in this house . We 've never had snake problems before we moved here . I 'm not happy about killing anything . But … I have nightmares about snakes attacking me and biting me and all kindsa shit . I 'm NOT good with snakes in my yard . Yes , I know they keep rodents away . Yes , I understand that the snakes in my yard are not likely to be venomous . Yes , I even understand they are not likely to actually bite unless threatened … but guys , it 's a goddamn snake and I am afraid of snakes . I 'd rather let the owls and the hawks take care of the rodents and let the snakes go somewhere else . ANYWHERE ELSE . AWAY FROM HERE . I ordered snake repellent from Amazon , to be delivered sometime tomorrow . It 's not likely to help , I 'm aware , but I 'm desperate to try anything to keep these things away from the house . I mean hey , live your life out there in the woods Snakey - snakey … just not here in my yard or on my patio or in the goddamn bushes next to my house . So yeah , day 3 is done . I am managing but I 'm damn tired . And I 'm not looking forward to the snake nightmares tonight , or the anxiety of watching out for snakes tomorrow in real life . Ugh , Last night could have been worse , I guess . I stayed up later than usual - about 1am - but by then I was so tired from being up at 3am and on the going mostly since then that I was able to doze off for a couple of hours at 1 . Then I slept fitfully after that , waking up just before my alarm time to feed the dogs . I hit snooze and laid in bed a bit longer … until Butthead woke up and went over to Hub 's side of the bed and began poking at the comforter . I had to try to explain to her that he wasn 't there ( did she think he snuck in overnight sometime and she didn 't notice ? ? ) , but she didn 't seem convinced . It took me a few minutes to get her to follow me downstairs so I could feed her and Le Moo breakfast . After their breakfast and a trip outside , I went back upstairs to bed and dozed for another hour or so . Today I pretty much distracted myself by chopping and sauteeing a ton of mushrooms to add to my soup when I nuke it for lunch . Then I ate lunch and read a book . I found a Gidget marathon on television , which I pretty much left on all day and only turned off about ten minutes ago and only because it ENDED . At some point after lunch I tried to make my ( in ) famous peanut butter cookies for the brother who installed my floodlight cam , but I used low fat peanut butter ( at his request ) instead of regular peanut butter and the cookies came out flat . I have no idea what the issue was , but my brother said they still tasted good , they were just flat instead of puffy . When I took the bags of cookies over to my father 's house for my brother , I stayed for a while to talk about some stuff with Dad . Then we took pictures of some junk he wanted to try to sell on Craigslist ( I hate CL ) and I came home and listed them . Then I sent some curse - filled email responses to some spammers who responded almost immediately to one of the listings . So that was fun . Then I read another book and half - watched / half - listened to more episodes of Gidget until it was time for dinner . Fed the dogs , outed the dogs , cleaned up after the dogs ' outing , then made myself some dinner . Half leftovers , half food I cooked myself . While I was eating , my brother sent me a text with a picture of a teeny tiny baby deer that was curled up next to his house . He spotted it while he was mowing and was concerned it was injured . By the time Dad and Brother went inside to find a phone number for animal control and then returned outside , the little booger had disappeared . I suspect it was hiding there in the " tall " grass waiting until the riding mower stopped and the stupid people disappeared . We have a pretty big herd of deer living in our back property , so I assume this little baby got separated and was waiting for mama to return for it . At this point , I 'm tucked in upstairs after taking the dogs out a couple of more times during the evening . The hall lights are on , the bedroom door is locked , the dogs have finally settled in . I 'm pretty sure both dogs are confused as to where Hub is , but no matter how much I explain they just give me the same look . Right now I 'm tired and in some pain from all the extra activity , but I 'm managing . I 've heard from Hub a couple of times today . He didn 't sleep well last night - he never does away from home - and his schedule today with his father seemed … odd . They " ran errands " and did a little bit of touristy site - seeing of some beaches . His father was SO hyped to have Hub out there to visit , but they don 't seem to be doing much . And Hub is counting the days to getting back home more than I am . Tomorrow evening is the wedding , so they won 't be doing much else other than that . I 've got another book here with me and I 've got the nightly news on TV . I might rent or catch a movie on TV after the news until I 'm too tired to stay awake anymore . Last night I caught the tail end / hour of YaYa Sisiterhood because I couldn 't find anything else . Tonight … well who knows ? Tomorrow I go to see my massage therapist in the morning , but I 'm getting a RELAXING massage instead of trigger point . Something to look forward to . We dropped Hub off this morning at 4 : 15am for his flight . After I got home and let the dogs out , I instant messaged with Hub until he boarded the plane at 5 : 45 . By then I 'd already fed the dogs and gotten back into bed . I dozed for a few hours , then got up and went about my day . For the most part I felt like Hub was at work and I allowed myself to just be that way . I 've almost read two books and I pretty much had movies on the TV all day , although mostly they were movies I 'd already seen . I had Mama Mia ! on the TV maybe three times at random points through the movie , because I like singing those songs and they passed the time more easily . Hairspray was on at least once , too . I 've done okay for most of the day . Unfortunately , around 9 : 30pm tonight , Butthead freaked out and had her tail tucked under and was barking hysterically while backing her way into the bedroom where I was reading and watching TV . I went out into the hallway and checked all the rooms up here ( she refused to follow me and instead ran down the stairs ) , but I have no idea what her major malfunction was . I took them out in the darkness , but luckily it was a little rainy , so both dogs ran out and peed and ran right back to the door to go in . So we kind of settled into the bedroom at that point and after some treats and wandering around , they both have settled in . I suspect they are also exhausted from starting their day at 3am . I 've talked to Hub twice on the phone and a few more times on instant messenger . He seems to be okay but the last we talked about an hour ago , he was sounding just exhausted . I hope he 's going to sack out soon , even though it 's pretty early in the evening out there . He said he kept moving his legs around on the plane , even though first class wasn 't as roomy as he 'd hoped , and that he felt okay when he deboarded . Is that a word ? Deboarded ? What else do they call it ? Anyway , he says he felt okay and when I talked to him later he said he was feeling okay just tired from the long day . I was happy to hear from my SIL by phone ( I couldn 't figure out the damn facetime thing through FB 's messenger ) after she opened my gift to her for her wedding . I crocheted her a blanket that turned out to be about queen size ( the pic below is spread out on a king size guest bed ) in these amazing colors that made me think of her . Hub 's father said she has walls in her house painted in yellow and orange , so I found this awesome yarn and went to town . Took me several months ( and a lot of pain ) to get the blanket done , but apparently she loved it a lot . Made me feel like the work was worth it . I saw my father earlier when I took the dogs out this afternoon and he reminded me that I could stay at his house overnight or whatever . I said I was going to try to stay home , but if I had any issue I would just hike over there with the dogs and stay there . Around 8 : 30pm tonight he called to see how I was doing and how my day had gone . Then he reminded me that if I had any trouble I should just let myself into his house no matter what time it was . Then he gave me his late - night schedule so I would know how late he would be awake , but then he told me again to just come over whenever I need to . I 'm not sure if I 'll be able to sleep tonight or not . I still have some reading left in my second book of the day and a youtube video to watch for a channel I subscribe to . I dunno … I 'm locked in the bedroom with the dogs and I 'm sure I 'm safe ( even though I 'm kind of worried that I locked the bedroom door and if someone needs to get in here to rescue me for some reason the locked door will be an issue ) , but it 's still weird . I kind of hope I 'll be tired enough to fall asleep at some point . I had my regular soup for lunch and leftover takeout for dinner , so eating wasn 't a major issue today . I have more takeout again for tomorrow night 's dinner if I want it , and I ( pressure ) cooked up a fresh pot of my lunch - soup this morning so I have enough for the rest of the week . It 's boring , but I eat soup most days of the week for lunch because it means I don 't have to think about it . I dump it in a bowl , add some sauteed mushrooms , and nuke it … easy - peasy no thinking . Also , the soup is bean soup , so it 's pretty healthy … protein and fiber and veggies and carbs , all - in - one . But right now , that doesn 't really help . Tomorrow morning we 'll be driving Hub to the airport at 4am so he can catch a 6am flight to California for his sister 's wedding . And then I 'll come home and it 'll be me here with the dogs . I had my appointment with T today and we talked all about this . I 've got my plans made for the four days and four nights he 'll be gone , which include A LOT OF BOOKS from the library and a massage scheduled for Tuesday . Plus , I figure I 'll be renting lots of movies either from amazon prime or our on - demand cable television . And if things get bad enough , I 'll go spend time at my father 's house with the dogs . Not sure I want to sleep there because taking the dogs and all their paraphernalia will be a pain in the ass . Additionally , T reminded me to text her if I need to talk to her . I suspect I 'll be reading a lot of books to waste the time , both day and night , and napping on and off during all hours . Mostly I 'll be scheduling myself around dogs ' schedules for food and trips outside … and then trying to nap when they are sleeping . Also , to prepare , we bought a security camera floodlight thing , that alerts me if there 's movement outside the door … and I can open the app and see live video of what 's going on ( and it records the video if I miss the alert ) . It also turns on the floodlights with movement at night , along with low - light live ( and recorded ) video . So , at least I have that extra bit of security for myself . Part of what I talked to T about is the fact that I don 't really know how to be without Hub anymore . I know how to be alone when he 's here ( or at work ) , but I don 't know how to be alone when he 's not HERE . I 've known him for longer than I 've NOT known him . It 's been years since we 've had any major separation ( 4 since his parents ' accident where he was gone for 3 days unexpectedly , but closer to 8 years for anything longer than those couple of days ) , and at that point I had my parents helping me while I stayed at their house … and we had Sweet Pea , who was easy as pie to take care of . Now I have this big house and I have Butthead , who requires a lot of energy and close watch . And I don 't have my mom nearby to hang out with when I get lonely , sad , or scared . Another part of my concern is that Hub has health issues . He has diabetes ( with minor leg and feet circulation problems ) , high blood pressures , and has a history of supra - ventricular tachycardia . I mostly am worried about him getting a blood clot in his leg from the traveling in the airplane … and even worse I 'm worried that he won 't realize there 's something wrong . Or he 'll think whatever it is that is wrong isn 't a big deal and he 'll ignore it and not get to a doctor . Or that he 'll ignore it and get on the plane to come home and make it worse . The possible thought of losing him - especially considering how hard it 's been to lose my mother - is really overwhelming . I 've been trying really hard NOT to impose my fears on him . The only thing I suggested is that he try to keep moving his feet and legs around on the plane just because of his circulation issues … and that 's all I said . The probability of him having any kind of major problem is pretty low . The probability of me having any kind of major problem is pretty low . I have to just keep reminding myself that we 'll get through this . A week from now it will be over and we 'll be back to normal programming . I was sitting there watching and it was like one of those AHA ! moments . I started wondering if my fiction writing ( which I 'd been doing since I was a pre - teen ) was my way of controlling things in my life . Or finding a way to have control in a world where I really had no control , especially when I first became sick … which is when I started intensely on my writing career and when I was first published . When I talked about this with T , it also made sense as to why I haven 't been able to write very much in the last few years . I 've worked so hard to release my idea of controlling everything , and so my default way of writing - and seeing my writing - is no longer the same . T said she could see exactly what I was dealing with , and she felt the discovery was a very interesting and insightful one . I 'm not sure how I will be able to write again , but T thinks I 'll find a way . I certainly don 't want to go backward in order to find my ability to write again , but as I am now , I feel like my solace in writing is gone . I used to be able to disappear into my books and create lives and worlds where everything was the way I wanted it to be . But now , where I see that control really is an illusion - even though I 'm still working on that in my own life - I 'm not sure how to create stories the way I used to . At the moment , I even feel like I 'm struggling to get my ideas across in this post . I feel jumbled and like the words I want are not here . It 's sad and disappointing right now . The thing that I always went to feels like it 's well and truly gone . I mean , I know I haven 't worked on any of my books in recent years , nor have I really started anything new of note , but I guess I thought it would still be there to save me . It sounds dramatic , but really my writing did save me when I got sick . There were days I never made it out of bed except to go to the bathroom , and yet those were the days where I wrote my books . Those were the most productive days of my writing career . Through pain and vertigo and fatigue … I wrote my books . I wrote deep into the night , hours and hours at a time , and slept through until noon . I would eat lunch and then go back to my writing . It kept me sane , it gave me a life to live when I couldn 't live my own life . My hands would cramp , my arms would ache ( I wrote my books in longhand ) , my neck would hurt … but I kept writing . That was the first time I ever wrote a full - length book , and it was the first time I persisted in finding a publisher for that book .
|
" Aren 't you going to eat ? " It was her mother , on Thursday night , hovering at the door to Hope 's bedroom in the five - bedroom duplex where they lived in Gbagada . Patience Alade was a tall woman , slim and well preserved for her age . At the moment , her face was touched with a worried frown as she watched Hope , still wearing her work clothes , collapsed across the bed in exhaustion . " I 'm not really hungry , " Hope replied . " I 'm just tired . " What she really wanted was sleep . She 'd been running around in the office all day juggling meetings with producing drawings . All that , combined with the drive home in bumper to bumper traffic , had ensured that right now , she could barely lift her arms . " We put your food in a cooler in the kitchen . At least try to eat something . " Patience regarded her daughter . " You can 't keep working yourself like a machine ? What if you were married ? Would you come home like this - exhausted from work , unable to talk to or play with your children before going to bed . " Hope sighed , wondering once again why she still lived with her parents . If she was very prudent , she could afford to rent a mini - flat like many of the single girls she knew . She had toyed with the idea many times , but she 'd never gone through with it , because for her , independence wasn 't what it was to other girls . She had no interest in the stress that came with managing rent , Landlords , generators and all that . Plus , being free to have guys spend the night meant nothing to her , because she didn 't have time for guys anyway . After Charles , her work had become her life in more ways than one . Patience sighed and started to say something but Hope interrupted before she could continue . " I might wake up later and eat , hmm . Tell Justina to leave the cooler on the kitchen counter . " Her mother didn 't look happy . " You don 't have to do all the work in the office in one day . You have to start learning where to stop to continue another day . You 're too young to be living like this . Your mates … " Hope blocked out the rest of the speech . It was the same one she was familiar with . " Your mates are married and are managing kids and careers … " and so on and so forth . She closed her eyes and faked deep breathing , hoping her mother would go away . The faking became real after a while , because she woke up to her morning alarm . She pulled herself out of bed , still tired , her body feeling sore and achy . She was still wearing her work clothes from the day before , and she felt grimy . She stared at her reflection in the mirror , suddenly sad . This is really not life , she thought , undressing and going to the bathroom to prepare for another day at work . Her mother 's words stayed with her . ' Your mates are married and managing kids and careers . ' She 'd thought she 'd be married too by this time . In those heady days of her relationship with Charles . She 'd hoped , prayed , believed that by the time she was twenty - seven she would have his rings on her finger and his child on her arm . But life never worked out according to those plans . She prepared for work quickly . Shower , dress , makeup , downstairs to make a sandwich and steal an apple from the fridge . It was still dark outside when she finished , and even Justina , the housegirl , was not yet awake . Hope noticed that there was no cooler on the counter . Her mother had rightly ignored her and probably put the food in the freezer , at least it wouldn 't waste . He went back inside his gate house and Hope tossed her bag and things in the car . She entered the driver 's seat and said a quick prayer , then started the engine . After a few minutes she hit the horn and watched as Ayuba rushed to open the gates . It wasn 't . At least not in the morning anyway . Her car stopped in traffic , twice . And at some point , even though she pressed down hard on the accelerator , it just kept slowing down . It took multiple times switching the engine off and on and a few curses from other motorists to get the car to the office . It was Friday , and because they had submitted their pressing deliverables the day before , it wasn 't looking to be a busy day . A few meetings , checking and replying emails , and close to an hour spent on her daily crossword game . The day went by very fast and before long it was close of business . Her mechanic had come in the morning to pick up the car , promising to return it in a few hours , but at five in the evening she was still waiting . " Why not just take a cab home , " Agnes suggested . She had redone her makeup and looked more than ready for an evening out with her date , some guy she 'd just met . " Your mechanic can bring your car to your house tomorrow . " Hope shook her head , an image of the gum - chewing mechanic with his skinny jeans and eyes that filled with delight whenever her car had a fault filling her head . " That one will use my car for public transport . He 'll do two trips to Ibadan before he returns it . " Agnes laughed . " Okay o ! " Her phone was ringing . " That 's Kola . I 'm sure he 's here . " She picked up her bag . " See you on Monday , love . " Hope waited about thirty more minutes , then called the mechanic , who promised to have the car ready in another hour . She watched as people shut down their systems and left the office . She had nothing better to do than idle on the internet . It was depressing , on a Friday night , to have nothing to do . No date , no nothing . Just an unreliable mechanic and a problematic car . An hour later , she called the mechanic again . Another hour , he begged , detailing all the names of things he 'd had to adjust or fix in the car . Hope cut the call and decided to check the movies showing . At least she could while away time at the galleria instead of waiting at the office until she was the only one keeping the security men from locking up . Outside , she checked her phone . There were no missed calls . Meaning that the mechanic hadn 't finished . She called him again and waited as the phone rang and rang on his end . He didn 't pick up . She tried again and the number was switched off . She cursed under her breath . Now , she would have no choice but to take a cab . She stalked down the stairs , annoyed . The floor below the cinema floor had a number of stores selling shoes , apparel and such . She would have walked past them on her journey towards the next set of stairs if she hadn 't seen Charles emerging from one of them . He saw her and stopped , letting the door swing shut behind him . Hope wanted to keep walking . She wasn 't really in the mood to talk to him . Would it be rude if she just walked past ? Probably . She slowed her pace and he smiled , his eyes teasing . " You look angry , " he said , moving from the door of the store to stand in her path . He was wearing a suit , dark grey , with a darker shirt beneath , and of course , he looked good enough to eat . His gaze flicked past her to the crowd of moviegoers trickling down the stairs , then back to her . " Was the movie that bad ? " Hope shrugged . " No , not really . " She gave him a thin smile , resisting the urge to ask what he was doing here . She didn 't want to lengthen their encounter for any reason . " I 'm on my way home , " she said , starting to edge past him . " Why the rush ? " His eyes held hers , still smiling , still teasing . " It 's Friday night . Nobody has to be home early on Friday night . " For some reason , he found her statement funny , laughing out loud , the sound so familiar and full of memories . " Look , " Hope said , angry with herself for wanting to succumb to the insane desire to dive headfirst into those memories . " I have to go … " There was a torrent of tears threatening to burst from her eyes , but she held them in . " It 's fine , " she said with a shrug . " I moved on a long time ago . " Charles nodded . " I 'd really like to take you home . I won 't feel settled watching you get in one of these cabs . It might not be safe . Just let me , as an old friend . " ' You were never my friend . ' The words hovered on the tip of her tongue , but she refrained from saying them out loud . A cab drove by , slowly , the hopeful driver unmindful of the cars honking behind him as he searched for a passenger . " Come on , " Charles said . He looked hopeful , with that hint of sadness she 'd seen in his eyes before . " You don 't even have to talk to me if you don 't want to . " She snorted , her eyes going to his fingers on the wheel of the car . They were long , graceful and tapered , with the nails neatly filed , buffed , and she noticed now , visibly missing a ring . " Where 's your wife ? " she asked bluntly , ignoring his attempt at small talk . He sighed , beating his fingers against the wheel in series of light taps . " She left , " he said , after a moment . His eyes skipped to hers and his lips lifted in that small sad smile again . He turned back to the windscreen . " So you still live with your parents ? " She turned away from him , towards the window , still reeling from what he 'd said . What did he mean ' she left . ' Was he no longer married ? And if he wasn 't … She closed her eyes . Well , even if he wasn 't , it didn 't mean he 'd changed from the selfish asshole who broke her heart . Hope frowned , the cynic in her convinced that he was dropping lines to make her let down her guard , to make her think that some part of their relationship was salvageable . Well , she wasn 't going to fall into that trap . So , instead of responding , she concentrated her gaze on the view outside the car windows , the pale moonlight shimmering on the water . The giant billboard at the end of the bridge , everything but the man beside her , the man who 'd once held her heart . He didn 't need directions to her parent 's house . He 'd been a regular guest when they were still dating . He drove down the quiet street to park at the front of the gate . " I know you have every reason to hate me , Hope , but I 'm really sorry . I 've spent years thinking about what I did to you . Every time I thought about coming to apologise to you face to face , but I was afraid that you 'd hate me too much to listen … " " Charles … " Hope stopped him . " There 's no need for this . It was a long time ago . Like I said , I 've moved on . " " So … " he grinned . " Will you come with me to a party tomorrow evening ? One of my friends is having a birthday soiree for his girlfriend . " " Why ? " He turned in his seat , towards her , giving her full view of his perfection . " If you 've really forgiven me , you would . " Hope could already hear the sounds of the party as she drove into the estate , a serene and well - maintained compound containing eight homes , a swimming pool , tennis court , and carefully tended lawns . It was beautiful , the sort of place you went to live when your hustling paid off and you became a real Lagosian , one who has arrived . Hope parked close to Greg 's house , a two - storey white and cream structure with classical columns holding up the porch roof . In the lawn in front of the house , canopies had been set up for shade , with lawn tables and chairs arranged for the guests . There was a guy in one corner bent over a charcoal stove as he diligently prepared asun , the spicy and delicious dish of peppered goat meat that always made Hope weak at the knees . Next to him , a huge table was mounted with covered tableware out of which servers dished rice , soup , stews , and meats and placed the heaped plates on trays to be served to the guests . There were people were milling all around . A few were dancing , others talking and many more seated beneath the canopies eating and drinking . The band was playing some of the new Nigerian songs , with beats that entered into your brain , hooked into the tissue like pinworms , made you sing along even though you hated the lyrics , and made you dance even though you had no idea what the singers were talking about . " Hope ! " It was Greg 's wife Mimi . She was a petite woman , jovial and always incredibly stylish . Right now , she was hurrying up to greet Hope , dressed in a well - made Woodin ensemble , with none of the infirmity you would expect from someone who just gave birth a week before . " Why are you just coming ? " she scolded . " The party is almost over . " An excuse was on the tip of Hope 's tongue , ' I had some private work and it took longer than I anticipated , ' she was about to say , then she realized that Mimi probably didn 't really want the burden of a long explanation . " I 'm sorry , " she said instead , and she meant it . " I hope I 'm not too late . " Mimi shrugged . " Not really . In any case , the person we are all dancing for has slept off . Thank God . These days we only get to dance at parties where the celebrants are sleeping . " They both laughed . It was true , Hope thought . Almost all the parties she attended these days were for children . " Come and greet your boss , then you 'll sit down and I 'll find someone to serve you okay ? " Hope replied with a smile . " I 'm fine o . " She peered at the baby 's peaceful face . " Wow , he looks so much like you already . " Greg laughed , then turned to Hope . " I was just about to take this small boss upstairs so he can sleep well . I think the music might be disturbing him . " " They start hearing from the womb , " Mimi said . " But I don 't think Christopher minds the music . Look how peacefully he 's sleeping . " She touched her baby 's face , cooing softly . Mimi tugged at her arm . " Come and sit , so I can find someone to bring food for you . " She led Hope to a table , leaving her with a promise to send a server her way . Agnes waved from two tables away . She looked fantastic , her makeup and jewellery slightly more dramatic than the everyday office affair , and she seemed to be having fun . Hope would have joined her , but the table was full , and judging from the number of good - looking guys clustered around Agnes , it was obvious that she wouldn 't join Hope . Somebody brought a bottle of wine and a glass , staying to open the bottle and pour her some . " Thank you , " Hope said , letting her eyes wander . There was something wrong in sitting alone at a party full of people you knew , she thought , almost amused . She froze , the glass of wine halfway to her lips . Charles was standing in front of her , his eyes tender , and filled with something that looked like pleasure at seeing her . He also looked insanely gorgeous in a light blue traditional caftan . Of course she minded . She didn 't want him anywhere her ! But she wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking that his presence had any effect on her . She let her eyes wash over him with disinterest , then sipped her wine quietly , ignoring him . It was more than a week since that day at her office , and she had since convinced herself that the chance encounter would not repeat itself . Now here he was , smiling at her and giving her that earnest look , as if he hadn 't ripped out her heart and tore it to pieces . Bastard . She wondered what he wanted . For a weak moment , she allowed herself to fantasize about him throwing himself at her feet and begging for forgiveness . She had composed the scornful words she would throw back at him , to hurt him , the way he 'd hurt her . Biting back a sigh , Hope stole a glance at him , and found his eyes fixed on her , a thoughtful look in their brown depths . " I wasn 't sure you 'd be here , but I can 't tell you how glad I am that you are . I 've been trying to get your number out of Greg since last week you know , but he keeps posting me . " That was news to her . Hope hid her surprise . " Maybe he guessed that I don 't want you to have it , " she said . " Why would you ask him anyway ? He 's my boss . He has no business handing my number to random ex - boyfriends . " " Random ex - boyfriends ? " Charles 's eyebrows went up . " We were together for five years , Hope . I 'm not a random ex . " Hope laughed . It was a rude , scornful sound . Then she took a long sip of her wine and gave him a look . One that she hoped conveyed how much she didn 't care what he thought . His smile had faded . " There 's no need to be so hostile , " he said . He leaned closer to her and lowered his voice so it was barely above a whisper . " I should be given the chance to make amends , shouldn 't I ? To show you how much I have changed from the selfish and immature person I used to be ? " Hope stiffened . Why was he leaning in so close and whispering in that voice that made her think of things they had shared that she would rather forget ? Things like pleasure , intimacy … She frowned , angry with herself for her reaction to him . He was looking intently at her , a half smile on his face . Bastard ! She thought angrily . It 's probably all a game to him . " I don 't think it 's necessary for you to show me anything , " Hope said , setting her glass down on the table . Her hand was shaking slightly , she noticed , and she quickly brought it to her lap . " I don 't care if you 've changed or not . I 'm not holding any grudges . " She got up , smiling wryly . " Now you can go and find another former girlfriend to placate . I am going to talk to my friends . " Charles 's expression didn 't change , and his eyes didn 't leave her face . Hope turned away , forgetting to stay collected as she walked away from the table . In her haste , she walked straight into Daniel Amadi , who was standing in the way . Hope stepped back , embarrassed and trying to compose herself . In that moment , when she 'd been flush against him , she 'd felt the strong muscles of his masculine body , inhaled the cool scent of his cologne , the clean smell of his clothes . A crazy thought ran through her head about how she would like for him to hold her again , and she pushed it to the back of her mind . He 's not even your type , she told herself silently . But he did look good . He was wearing tan pants and a tailored shirt . He looked casual , but somehow , still powerful . All of a sudden , her mind went back to their encounter in the elevator , him , holding her purse out to her . There had been something strangely intimate in that moment , as if , for those few seconds the whole world had disappeared and it was just the two of them . " Are you okay ? " he asked now , giving her a concerned frown . She 'd never noticed how dark his eyes were . They were really dark , and intense , and if you looked closely , there was an interesting ring of lightish - brown around the pupils . " Hope ? " he prompted , and she realized that she was staring . What was wrong with her today ? Hope felt her breath leave her chest , leaving her feeling slightly lightheaded . This was the second time she had seen him smile in the space of a few days , and there really was something about his smile . It made her question her conviction that he wasn 't her type , and wonder if she really had a type at all . " Really ? " He grinned . " Who can resist a baby 's party ? " he said . " All of us grown - ups dressing up to celebrate for someone who has no idea what 's going on . " She may have been imagining it , but there was something definitely flirtatious in the way he said the words , in the look in his eyes , and the tone of his voice . She felt her insides suffuse with warmth , and she realized that she was staring at him , her lips parted softly as she pulled in a slow breath . She swallowed , then wet her lips , suddenly nervous . Really , what was wrong with her today ? Daniel was still looking at her , in a way that made it hard for Hope to think . " I … um … It was very nice to run into you here , " she said . " Okay , " Hope breathed , turning around before she made a fool of herself . She made her escape , going over to Agnes 's table . Luckily , one of the guys had left , so she could sit there with them , talking about harmless things and enjoying the food and drink . She tried not to notice when Daniel Amadi left sometime later , walking to his car , a black G - Wagon , with Greg in tow . She watched them talk for a short while before , Daniel drove off , then she turned her attention back to her companions , totally ignoring the fact that just a few tables away , Charles was now carrying out what seemed like a very flirtatious conversation with some girl Hope didn 't know . Where was his wife anyway ? Why was he all over the place , alone , probably being a nuisance to unsuspecting young women ? He looked up suddenly and caught her staring . He smiled , and she looked away . It was already evening , and growing a little dark . Hope unlocked the door and bent over to place the party favour Mimi had given her - cakes , small chops and fried meats - on the back seat . As she straightened , her neck prickled in alarm , and she turned around , almost jumping out of her skin when she discovered Charles standing behind her . " I was admiring the view , " he said , unapologetic . He unlocked the car next to hers , a gleaming blue range rover , and carelessly placed his own party favour in the front passenger seat . " Did I tell you how good you look ? " he said softly , turning back towards her . " You we 're always pretty , but now , " he sighs . " I can 't stop looking at you . " Hope swallowed , and suddenly pain rose in her chest . She wanted to insult him , say all the mean things she had spent years imagining herself saying to him . She had built a future around this man , centred all her romantic dreams on him . He 'd destroyed those dreams , and now he had the gall to tell her she looked good ? Calm down , a small voice whispered in her head . He 's not worth it . " Don 't say things like that to me , " she told him . " I can 't help myself . " He made no move to come towards her , but the apparent sincerity and earnestness in his eyes was like a fist squeezing her chest . " Hope , I 've never stopped thinking about you . You can 't imagine how many times I 've wondered what it would be like to see you again , and now I have I 'm completely blown away . " If someone asked her to describe how she felt in that moment , Hope wouldn 't have been able to . It was a mixture of so many emotions , resentment for him , because he 'd broken her heart , regret , for all the dreams she 'd lost when she lost him , and yearning , because no matter how much she blamed him , hated him even , there was a part of her , that had never totally left the past behind . " I have to go , " she said abruptly , climbing into her car and shutting the door . " Goodnight Charles . " Nov7 It was still lunchtime when they arrived at the office . Joy , one of the receptionists , was stuck at the front desk while her colleague Ladi had gone out to lunch . She was flipping through a boring looking travel magazine when Hope and Agnes walked into the reception . " Sweetie , you 've still not gone to lunch . " She sounded concerned as she took the magazine from Joy . " What is this one you 're reading sef ? " Not waiting for an answer , she tossed the magazine aside and went on . " If only you had come out with us , then I won 't have been the only witness to Hope and Daniel Amadi flirting in the lift . " " Flir what ! " Joy 's face lost the expression of boredom in an instant . She looked at Hope with a gleam in her eyes that eyes that could have been either respect or envy . " Serious ? ! " " He said hello to you ? " Apparently that was as much of a big deal as the flirting that hadn 't happened . " But he doesn 't say hello to anybody ! " Come to think of it , had he even said hello ? Seeing the expression on Joy 's face Hope was suddenly seized with a morbid fear of seeing her picture in some gossip blog or the other . BREAKING ! Lagos millionaire bachelor , Daniel Amadi , says " hello ' to plain , boring engineer . " It wasn 't like that … we were in the lift together . " Hope looked at Agnes for help . " He didn 't even say hello , he just acknowledged us a little . " " Us ? Don 't mind Hope , " Agnes countered , enjoying the fact that Hope was on the receiving end of the teasing . " I was there , her purse fell and he picked it for her . " That statement caused Joy 's eyes to grow wide , but Agnes wasn 't finished . " Then they started looking into each other 's eyes ehn … in fact I felt as if I was intruding . " Hope burst into helpless laughter at the ridiculous exaggeration of what had actually happened . " I am not having this conversation with you girls . He was just being polite . I don 't even know why you are all so crazy about him . As for me , I don 't see what the big deal is . I 'm going to my desk . I have work to do . " Agnes nodded in agreement . They launched into a conversation that started with " If someone like him asked me out ehn … . " Hope left them talking and escaped into the main office . It was an open office design , with glass walls on three sides . The partner 's offices were partitioned off at the rear , and one side was taken over by two enclosed conference rooms . In the wide space where Hope was standing , multiple cubicles were arranged in open ended squares , each square containing three workstations . Hope made for her workstation , stopping in her tracks when the doors to one of the conference rooms opened and two men emerged , right in front of her . Hope froze , her legs suddenly leaden as her blood slowed . Then her heart started to pound , hard and heavy against her ribs , making it very hard to breath . One of the men was her boss . Greg Abudu . He was a friendly man in his late thirties , always cheerful , and just beginning to show the early signs of coming portliness . He smiled widely , as he always did whenever he saw Hope . The other man was smiling too , his eyes fixed on Hope 's face with an expression of pleasant surprise . Hope stared at him , her mind bubbling with emotion . God ! How she hated that painfully handsome face . How the pleasure in those brown eyes grated on her nerves as they slid over her face , silently saying how glad he was to see her , how beautiful he thought it was that they had met again . She hated the illusion of friendliness and amiability that he projected . ' I 'm one of the good guys , ' he seemed to say without speaking . ' see how nice I am even though I am so handsome I should be a demon . I 'll never break your heart . ' But he had . He had broken her heart , in the worst way possible . " Hope ! " His voice was crème . That was the only word to describe it . The perfect pitch and smoothness to make one unaware of everything but the pleasure of listening to him . She wished the sound was ugly to her ears , but it wasn 't . No matter how much she hated him , she couldn 't hate the sound of that velvety voice washing over her skin like a caress . Hope chose not to respond to his eager exclamation , instead , she stood there , silent , causing Greg to start with introductions , even though it was obvious that they knew each other . " Charles this is Hope Alade . She 's one of our building services engineers . " He gave Hope a proud smile . " Hope , this is my friend Charles DaSilva . He 's a manager a Bond bank . " " I know Hope very well , " Charles said smoothly , still smiling . He stepped forward , closer to where she was standing . " Long time no see , Hope . Aren 't you going to give me a hug at least ? " " Hello Charles . " she made no move to hug him . He had taken too much from her to be entitled to anything else , even something as small as a hug . " You look wonderful , " he said , ignoring her obvious hesitance to talk to him . " More beautiful than I remember . " His eyes did a leisurely journey over her face and figure . " I had no idea you worked here , I 'd have been around to see Greg sooner . " He turned to Greg , and explained in that smooth voice of his that he had met Hope back in the university . " She was the love of my life . " One of the many loves of your life , Hope added silently , bitterly … the memories were rushing back now . Back in school , she had being careful . She hadn 't been one of those girls who went wild at their first taste of freedom , whose sole purpose was to find a boyfriend and lose their unwanted hymens . She 'd been determined to wait , to fall in love with someone who was worth it . So she had waited , two years after freshman year , all her friends were hooked up , some on their second , third boyfriends , and she had continued to rebuff the guys who showed interest . It was easy , you only had to look at them , to hear them talk , to see that they really wanted only one thing . Then there was Charles . Unlike the popular guys , who wore their swagger on their sleeves , Charles was refreshing . He was a final year student , studious , and so good - looking it was impossible not to stare at him , but so unaware of his cuteness , that he was perfect . He was always courteous . He would open doors for strangers . Of course , in retrospect , Hope had realized that all the strangers on the receiving end of his courtesy had been pretty girls . He was so gifted at making girls feel like princesses , that it was too easy to fall in love with him . She hadn 't trusted him though , even when she developed something close to obsession for him after just a chance meeting at the library . She had never met him before , but he had helped her find the books she wanted and carried them to her reading desk , leaving her alone to read afterwards . Hardly able to concentrate , and definitely unable to dispel the image of his perfect face for long enough to get interested in what she was reading , she 'd been relieved when she was ready to leave , to find him waiting at the library car park . " I wasn 't waiting for you , " he 'd said with a mischievous smile , and a twinkle in his eyes that made it so obvious that he had indeed being waiting for her . That was the first day . After that he seemed to always be there . He found out everything about her , and pursued her . She fell hard for him , but she didn 't trust him , there were rumors about him and many different girls all over campus . He pursued her for a whole semester . At last it had been the promise of sensual delight , and the whole world that she could glimpse on the other side of his kisses , that had made her stop resisting him . Her body argued for him in a way that her brain was helpless to resist , so first she agreed to be a girlfriend , and in no time , she was his lover . She had been happy , so happy and in love . The first time is always like that , like the opening of a whole new universe . It didn 't take long to wake up to reality . While Charles had been waiting for her to say yes , he had been sleeping with someone else , someone who , as she discovered just a few weeks into their relationship , he was still sleeping with . When she confronted him , he didn 't bother to deny it . " How long was I supposed to wait ? " he had asked , his incredulous expression almost convincing her that she was being ridiculous . " I 'm not built to be celibate . No man is , regardless of what those silly romance novels you read tell you . " " But you 're still sleeping with her , " she had cried , hoping that he would at least deny that part , the passion that just weeks ago , she wouldn 't have known that she was capable of feeling , making her desperate . " I can 't just tell her that I 'm no longer interested . " He made it sound like commonsense , like she would understand if only she were more mature . Still , she 'd stormed out , spent the night crying in the hostel while her roommates exchanged knowing looks . Everybody knew about Charles daSilva , they 'd all warned her , and they 'd been expecting the breakup sooner than later . But the next day he had come to find her . With promises of how she was the only one he really wanted . There would be no one else from now on , he 'd said , and foolishly , she had believed him , spending the next few years closing her eyes to all the evidence of his cheating , because she didn 't want to feel the pain of losing him again . But she still lost him . Right under her nose , he 's met , courted and gotten engaged to someone else . She 's graduated then , working at her first job and waiting expectantly for the ring she 'd deluded herself into thinking he would give her . He hadn 't even bothered to give her the dignity of ending their relationship properly , he 'd allowed her to hear of his engagement through a mutual friend . Keeping herself from confronting him was the hardest thing she 'd ever done . She 'd ignored his calls and finally changed her number . She told the gatemen and receptionists at her office to always tell him that she wasn 't around . She 'd refused to allow herself the temptation to listen to whatever explanation he would give her for why he was marrying someone else . He got married , about a year after she found out about the engagement . The transition from deluded girlfriend to bitter ex had been painful , but she dealt with the pain and the shame , and even though it took a while , she succeeded in getting her happiness and confidence back . Hope realized that she was still staring at him , with a god - knows - what expression on her face . She was behaving stupidly , she realized . When you met an ex - boyfriend again , you wanted to be beautiful , rich , and charming . To be enjoying your life , and to be able to show him in every gesture , word and smile that you didn 't care about him anymore , and that he had lost the world when he lost you . She smiled at him . " That was a long time ago , Charles . " She turned to Greg . " At that age everybody fell in and out of love all the time . " Even though she knew it was rubbish , Hope felt her heart tighten . That look ! She took a deep breath . " I hope you had a good meeting . It was nice to see you again Charles . "
|
Posted on May 28 , 2017 by susank456 Mother Nature finally came through for us . The weather here has been so damp and dank , with rain and unseasonably chilly temperatures for so long , I was beginning to fear that summer would never come . Our vacation was rapidly approaching and we had not made any plans yet , no destination in mind , we just knew that we did not want to stick around here for more misery . As the first vacation day approached , the weather forecast started looking a bit more promising with temperatures ranging in the eighties and lots of sunshine , so in the end we decided to stay here and go exploring locally . Our first day was a trip to Woodinville , for a day of wine tasting . Hey , I have my priorities . And yes , we tasted many nice wines and bought a few bottles . Our second day we included the dogs on our day trip . We drove over to Point Defiance on Puget Sound and let the dogs run around and play in the ocean . One day we did some yard work and finished our newly built and planted raised beds . We drove down to Olympia and went to Tumwater Falls Park . It was a bit of a disappointment , I was hoping for bigger falls and a longer hike , but that was not the reality . The falls were small and the trek around them was short , maybe a mile at most . We took a longer day trip with the dogs to the Green River Nature Area O ' Grady Trail and had a longer hike . The trail was partially a road access that could handle cars and trucks with offshoot trails that were dirt paths wide enough for a horse or single file hikers . The trails had nice carved wooden signs that not only showed where the trail went but also had a " you are here " notation on each so we could place ourselves on the trail and where in the area we wanted to go . We found a homemade Tic Tac Toe Board carved into a stump complete with rocks for markers . We hiked down to the Green River , saw how fast it was running and decided it was not a good idea to let the dogs go in . We would have to drive to Puget Sound to save them . To finish off our vacation , we decided to go kayaking . The dilemma was where ? We thought about Point Defiance Park and go kayaking in Puget Sound , but common sense won out . I had only been kayaking once before , on a nice calm lake where the boats had to have a motor no larger than fifteen horse power and Mitch has never been kayaking . Out here the sky is the limit , plus there is the tides to consider . We talked it out and decided a lake would be safer and a better first time experience . We checked on kayak rentals around Lake Washington and found one in Bellevue . We got there before the rental office opened , about thirty minutes early and found a line had already formed . We rented two single kayaks so we could each experience paddling and maneuvering our own kayak , plus I watched other people in double kayaks and most weren 't paddling in unison , one paddle would be up and one paddle would be down , the kayak going nowhere . The water was still very chilly , around sixty degrees or so , but the sky was clear no clouds for as far as the eye could see . We set off heading north crossing under the I - 90 bridge to run along the coast gawking at houses on the shore . Most were very large and new , but there were some older smaller homes tucked in between the larger estate homes . We watched the boats go up and down the main channel , a few smaller boats but most were larger vessels , suitable for the ocean and felt the wake of each one . I was glad we chose a lake to start on first . After about forty - five minutes we turned around and headed in the opposite direction to see what was on the other side of the bridge and farther south . We headed into the back of the cove and gawked at some more houses . We decided to call it a day and head back to the boat launch . We talked about how much we enjoyed this and as I headed toward the launch I made a comment about shopping for a kayak online . I got no response , so I looked around and couldn 't find Mitch . He was right there and then he was gone . I slowed my kayak and turned around to look for him and saw in the water about three hundred feet or so , his kayak flipped upside down . I looked next to his kayak and there was his head bobbing beside it . I paddled as fast I could and as I got closer , I could see him hanging on , so at least he was conscious . As I got close enough to talk to him , I asked what he did . He answered he didn 't know , not that succinctly but with more descriptive adjectives and adverbs . I asked if he was okay , but was not sure how I could help get the kayak righted without rolling myself , and not being that selfless , I didn 't offer to help right it . That 's what you get when you 're dealing with amateurs , dumb and dumber . Two guys and a little girl in a canoe came and offered help , but Mitch declined , saying he could make it to the launch . Another couple came up and offered assistance and again Mitch declined , I don 't know what he was thinking , that maybe AAA was going to show , or Share this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , Dogs , humor , Marriage , short story Tagged dogs , humor , labradors , short stories , spousal relationships , spring , vacation , women , writing 2 Comments Posted on May 26 , 2017 by susank456 Royal has now become a full - fledged member of our family . You know how family acts together , no inhibitions , everything hangs out , farts , burps and language is much more casual , while a guest is on their best behavior . Dogs are the same way in a fashion . They tend to be more on guard , watchful and very polite . Now Royal knows for sure that he is here to stay and his quirks and " bad habits " have emerged . Not that he is bad by any figment of the imagination , he is really a pleasure to have , it 's just that now the other habits have emerged . Maybe some of it has to do with us being on vacation and together all week or maybe he has finally " let his hair down " . We were warned that Royal loves tennis balls to the extreme , and we would have to physically take it away from him or he would chew on it until it was destroyed , so we limit his ball time . On Monday , we drove over to Point Defiance Park to let the dogs get into Puget Sound for some swimming and romping around . Well , Royal knows what the water is good for , playing fetch with whatever is available to throw out in the water and he can retrieve . We didn 't think to take a tennis ball , so we looked for a stick . The first stick wasn 't big enough and Royal just chewed it up on the first throw . We searched around and found a small log , about two inches in diameter and about a foot long , and threw it out in the Sound for him . The log was pretty waterlogged , so Royal was able to chew it up a bit on each retrieve . Did I forget to mention that not only does he likes to go get whatever is thrown for him , but chews on it some is also a prerequisite . With each throw , Royal would destroy it bit by bit . Orso was not as interested in swimming around and playing fetch , he was more intrigued with everything else , the beach , the trees and all the people . He kept wandering off in search of something new , so I followed him up and down the beach to keep him from getting too close to other people and their dogs . Mitch was tasked with keepThis morning on our after - breakfast walk , Royal spotted some small animal poop on the side of the road , that some moronic dog owner didn 't bother picking up , leaving it for some unsuspecting walker , ( usually me ) to step in . He stuck his nose almost on it to give it a good sniff , then proceeded to drop down to roll his head in the poop . I caught on just as he was headed down and jerked the leashed and gave a rather loud " no " for five in the morning . His head hit the ground next to the poop , but thankfully he missed the pile . That was the first time he did the " Drop and Roll " on something , but I can see that I need to keep a watchful eye on him in the future . When we got home from the walk , Royal got a thorough face cleaning with a Clorox wipe . Posted on May 13 , 2017 by susank456 Mother Nature is having a huge laugh at our expense and I 've had enough . It is the middle of May for god 's sake and I 'm still wearing an insulated jacket when I walk the dogs . Oh and did I mention the jacket has a hood , because we are having the wettest spring on record . That matched our winter , which was the wettest on record , too . Yada , yada , yada . Tomorrow is Mother 's Day and in the Midwest , that is the date to plant your hot weather vegetables and tomatoes . Here , I 'm still hardening off my tomatoes so they don 't wither and die at night when the temperatures dip into the forties . Well enough is enough ! I am so ready for some warmer weather , not asking for nineties , I don 't want that , but some seventy degree days are desperately needed and sunshine . I need some sunshine ! I would even settle for the mid - sixties if I could have the sun out too . I have so much yardwork to do , but every time I get ready to head out , I look outside and it 's raining , again . All the native Washingtonians tell me that this is so unusual and they are getting tired of all the chilly wet weather too . Well Mother Nature , enough is enough , come on , you 've had a good laugh and have reminded us all you are in control , not us . It 's time to move on , go inland , go out to sea , I don 't care , just go play your pranks someplace else . I have eight raised beds and all I have planted so far is a bed of strawberries and a bed with three blueberry bushes . I have green beans , zucchini and cucumber seeds I need to get in the ground , not to mention the tomatoes . And I 'm haven 't even mentioned mowing yet . I could mow my yard twice a week , if I was so inclined . All my neighbors mow their lawns one to two times a week , but not me , I don 't care that much about it . I like my grass a bit taller than everyone else around here . If you were to compare our yards to a golf course , my neighbors ' yards look like the putting green and my yard looks like the rough . It hides the weeds . Posted on May 3 , 2017 by susank456 Royal has now been here for a month and it 's like he has been with us forever . He is completely ensconced in our home and lives . He and Orso get along almost like they had been litter mates . Both are consummate couch potatoes with short bursts of energy , running side by side full steam nipping at each other , then dropping on the grass rolling around on their backs settling on their stomachs to watch what I 'm doing . There are no fights or tension , it is so pleasant , just two dogs that have the same temperament . A real breath of fresh air . Not to pretend Royal is perfect , he is not . He has no sense of personal space , getting right in my face wanting to lick me all over ( yuck ) . I 've seen what they put in their mouths . Try putting your shoes on and playing dodge ball with your head in an attempt to avoid dog kisses . I can bob and weave like a pro boxer now . He walks crooked , partly because of his hip dysplasia , which is quite annoying on our walks . He must walk on my right , won 't walk on the left , so I 'm left to walking in the middle of these two buffoons and Royal walks into my right leg pushing me into Orso . Then he crosses in front of me to go sniff and pee . After he is done sniffing and peeing , he crosses back to my right , but this time he crosses behind me . So I 'm constantly circling the leash around my head like a lasso . I am pretty sure the neighbors think I 'm nuts . What else is new ? We were told Royal gets along well with cats , but I 'm not so sure about that . He has gone ballistic barking and growling at the neighbor 's cat walking across the back fence . He chased that cat the length of the yard along the fence line and I don 't think it was to introduce himself to the neighborhood . He also has no fondness for squirrels . He wants one badly and I fear the day he and Orso outsmart one . Not that I love squirrels , I just don 't want to watch the bloodletting and subsequent visit to the vet . Bedtime means all of us in our bed . We lost that battle three dogs ago . Now we just accept the cramped sleeping space and constant dog hair . I keep the bed and pillows swathed in sheets to keep our faces free of dog hair and other dog parts . The top of the bed is no - man 's land , but under the comforter the sheets are dog free . Of course the added bodies make the bed hotter , so I keep a fan blowing on me year round . Poor Mitch has to sleep in his shorts , sweatpants , t - shirt and sweatshirt , plus in the winter he has two comforters on him , even with the dog body heat . I 'm glad we took the chance and brought him home , he is the perfect match for Orso . And I do get a kick out of walking two dogs that weigh right at a hundred pounds . You should see the faces of the people I walk by with their five pound dogs barking up a storm and mine are actually behaving . ( Of course when they don 't I look like a boat anchor dragging behind them ) . Just to show you I am not making it up , I have a picture of the two laying in the yard . Posted on April 8 , 2017 by susank456 Today we finally received Royal 's vet records and needless to say , they were very enlightening and confirmed a lot of what I suspected . We didn 't get a pig in a poke but , some of the " facts " told to us were maybe a bit misleading . Not that it would matter , because as soon as Royal crossed the threshold , he became a member of the family , here to stay for the rest of his life . The biggest fallacy was his age . I had thought Royal had led a rough life because he didn 't get around as well as Orso . His teeth are not in the best shape either for a " six - year - old " dog . One front fang is broken and the other fang is chipped , like a dog that has been living on the streets . We were told that Royal will be six years old this year , in actuality he will be nine years old this month . I guess they thought if someone knew his real age , Royal would become unadoptable . That makes him closer to Orso 's age now , who will be eleven years old in August . Another factoid we read was that in 2013 he was diagnosed with hip dysplasia . That explained the way Royal would go up and down stairs . At first we thought he had never been exposed to stairs . That was the case with AJ , our black lab . When we brought AJ home the first time , he had no idea how to go up or down stairs , we had to teach him . We thought it odd the way Royal would lie down , either on his side or if he was on his stomach , he would adjust himself so that his legs stick out behind him , like a puppy does . But no , Royal just has hip dysplasia , another check mark against someone wanting to adopt him . Good thing I bought a huge bucket of joint supplements . We had decided that Royal is a bit overweight , not having the stamina of Orso now two years his senior . But we know he is almost nine and has hip dysplasia , we can work on a better regimen , diet and exercise , to help him feel better . With the vet records in hand , we can work with our vet to get his shots up to date and a good dog food . We 've already talked about this year we will be taking them swimming more . Another reason to get a kayak . Posted on April 1 , 2017 by susank456 Well call us crazy or not , we took the leap and jumped off the cliff . After we received the reprieve from the woman asking for two weeks to try and work something out with her landlord , we breathed a sigh of relief . We told each other that it was for a reason that we didn 't get the dog . That maybe later on in the future , we would start looking for a dog . Guess what ? Two weeks to the day , we received an email , asking if we were still interested in meeting Royal . We said yes , but now due to prior commitments , we couldn 't take him for another two weeks . We also said we would understand if they couldn 't wait for us . Oh no , was the response , they would be more than happy to keep him for another 2 weeks . They just wanted to make sure he had a good home . I wasn 't sure how she " knew " we would be a good home , since we had only traded emails to date . We agreed to meet Royal the following Sunday , and see how he would get along with Orso . All week , I kept going back and forth , are we doing the right thing for Orso ? If we take Royal , would that be the right thing for him ? Talk about making myself crazy , I must have waffled back forth enough to have worn a groove in my brain . Sunday morning , we loaded Orso up and headed out to meet Royal . We got there early and wandered around the school grounds that we had agreed to introduce the two on . Neutral territory , that way no one felt threatened or possessive of the space . A car pulled into the far side of the parking lot and watched as a man got out with a large dark brown dog . Nope , not Royal , we thought , because it was a Doberman and we were expecting a lab / mastiff mix . The man and the dog headed off in the opposite direction so we were pretty sure , they were just out for a stroll in the drizzle . Another car pulled in and parked . A woman and a teenage girl got out of the car and the woman turned and opened the back door of the car . Out hopped a fawn colored dog with blackish brown ears . Royal came trotting over to us , quite unafraid and eager to meet us and Orso . He was as tall as Orso and a little bigger in the chest than Orso , maybe about five to ten pounds overweight . He was super friendly and just wanted to be petted . He was also a leaner . After introductions , we watched the two get to know each other , sniffing butts , peeing on top of the other 's pee spot and running around the grass . Orso tried to jump on his back a couple of times and each time Royal would turn and give a warning bark growl , but never showed teeth . I was quite impressed with the dog , and ready to jump over the ledge . Mitch asked a few questions , did he have any ailments , eating issues , were his shots up to date , etc . All of our questions were answered quite positively , and I couldn 't help but wonder about his owner . It would take dire circumstances for me to even consider having to find a home for Orso and not keep him . We asked if any others had responded to the ad and the woman said yes , she had gotten eight offers but only took one other offer seriously . After meeting the couple , she told them no they couldn 't have Royal . It seems the couple had a pair of pit bulls with them that were quite beat up and kept asking her what the mastiff side was capable of . She told us that she felt uneasy and worried about Royal 's safety . I took the first leap , looked at Mitch and said that we would love to take him , but because family was coming into town , we couldn 't take him until the following Saturday . That seemed to be quite workable , so we said good - bye , loaded up Orso and headed home . Saturday morning , we picked up Royal and brought him home . We left Orso home for the pick up so that there was no tension in cramped spaces . As soon as we pulled into the driveway , I jumped out and leashed up Orso and the four of us went for a nice long walk . We are now a week into back being a two - dog family and so far , so good . Maybe it 's because both dogs are older , Orso will be eleven and Royal is almost six , both are very calm sedate dogs , pretty much couch potatoes most of the time . So for now , life is good , just a little more cramped on the couch , but quite relaxed . I 'm sure once Royal gets comfortable and realizes the once he crossed the threshold , he was here to stay , things will getShare this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , Dogs , humor , short story Tagged dogs , dogs playing , humor , labradors , marriage , mastiff , pet ownership , short stories , walking , women , writing 4 Comments Posted on March 10 , 2017 by susank456 I have the perfect job for Orso - Spokesdog . Not just any old spokesdog , but a spokesdog for UPS . UPS would be lucky to have him for their mouthpiece as a satisfied customer . Though I 'm not sure how to approach UPS and pitch Orso as their spokesdog . It 's perfect when you think about it , Orso is a great big chocolate lab and the UPS official color is brown , it 's a match made in heaven . A big brown dog standing in a big brown truck , and who doesn 't love a big brown slobbery happy dog ? Talk about PR perfection , it 's a marketing dream . Orso loves the UPS man and his big brown truck . Orso knows the sound of the diesel truck coming from a long way away . He will jump up from a dead sleep to run to the front door to watch and wait for his favorite UPS driver . It helps that our regular driver brings large dog biscuits with him and gives one to Orso with each delivery . When Orso hears the truck , he runs to the door and watches with great big hopeful eyes , and if the truck stops , he will cry and whine and bark this shrill bark , showing his total impatience at how slowly the world turns while he is waiting for the UPS man to climb out of the truck and bring him a dog biscuit . Because we all know that Orso NEVER gets any treats , only the ones the UPS man gives him . Not . As soon as the driver gets out of the truck and starts to walk to the front door , Orso is standing on his hind legs barking loudly and frantically , as if he has just found his long - lost boy . It 's a bit embarrassing and I must admit to a bit of jealousness , because I 'm not so sure , Orso wouldn 't just go with the UPS man . After all , he has food and Orso is a lab . Orso has become so obsessed with the big brown UPS truck that if we 're out on a walk and he hears a truck , any truck with the telltale diesel engine , Orso will stop and search for the direction the sound is coming from , then turn and wait until the noise gets louder and closer . God forbid he sees the truck while we 're walking . That turns into an Aflac claim just waiting to happen . Twice this week the UPS truck came up the street while we were out on our morning walk . Orso turned and started barking at the truck hoping to get the driver to stop , which he did right there in the middle of the street . Our driver , then turned the truck off and climbed into the back of his truck , just to get Orso a biscuit . Orso had already climbed up into the truck and was waiting for the treat . Our UPS driver told me that Orso was the only dog on his route that gets so excited to see him . I think that the driver gets as big a kick out of seeing Orso as Orso does when he sees him . It 's a sad day when the truck doesn 't stop or if our regular driver is off and there is no biscuit . Orso doesn 't understand why not every delivery person that comes to our door is as prepared to meet a happy hungry lab . I guess I should keep a stash of dog treats by the door so if someone comes empty - handed I can save the day . Orso - Spokesdog for UPS , has a ring to it don 't you think ? Share this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , humor , short story Tagged dogs , labradors , pet ownership , short stories , walking , women , writing 3 Comments Posted on February 19 , 2017 by susank456 We almost brought another dog into our lives , almost . We were so close . Mitch saw an ad in the Saturday paper , " A lab / mastiff mix , 6 years old " and then the magic words , " FREE TO A GOOD HOME " . Mitch was hooked . Even though he knows , there is no such thing as free . Nothing is ever free . More importantly , Mitch has been the hold out , saying over and over , " Not another dog , yet . " But there it was , Mitch urging me to send an email , asking about the dog . I reminded him of our last experience with a " lab mix " . As much as I loved Charlie , he was always a bit off . We were " on guard " with him always , because he was animal aggressive and sometimes very explosive . So , I called his bluff , I sent an email , asking how big he was , did he get along with other dogs , etc . The ad said he was good with cats and children , but didn 't mention dogs . I got a response , that yes , he was good with other dogs , they had three other dogs , four cats and four children . A very full house . He also weighed a hundred pounds , so a good size match for Orso . Now I was curious as to why if they had three other dogs , four cats and four children , why was this dog singled out to be kicked to the curb . Why not get rid of the cats ? Four cats to one dog , seemed like a fair trade . I sent the question back , " why are you trying to find a home for this dog ? " I phrased it very diplomatically , instead of saying , " why are you getting rid of this one , as opposed to one of the others ? " I wanted to know the real reason for the ad . What was wrong with him ? Was he a biter , a fighter , what ? Why was this one getting the boot ? Because the answers would determine our next step . I was still very gun shy about getting back into a situation where Orso would be victimized ever again . We were straddling the fence , not sure which side to fall on , dog or no dog . I almost called our best friends to ask what we should do , but I already knew their answer , " Get the dog . " They have three medium to large size dogs , and are not unbiased . By the time we went to bed , we had decided that no we would pass on the dog . No dog yet . Her email response came in the morning . The answer was not what I expected at all . The owner had gotten the dog as a puppy and now after six years had to give him up because she had to move to an apartment wouldn 't take dogs , especially large dogs , so she took him to her friend , who promised to look for a great home for him . The friend had placed the ad , with three other dogs , four cats and four children already had a full house . After reading her email , I was ready to get in the car , drive to wherever he was and bring him home on the spot . Sanity returned and I waited for Mitch to wake up . We talked some more , pros and cons , talking ourselves out of the dog , then back into the dog . I finally sent an email back asking if we could meet with Orso to see how they might interact . I got a response saying that was a great idea and when could we get there . I asked if noon would work and waited for her response . The reply came back letting us off the hook - sort - of . The owner was not handling the separation well and asked her friend if they would keep him for two weeks , until she either found another place or could win over her landlord . But could they keep our email , " just in case . " My heart went out to the woman and her dog , because I know how I would feel if I were forced with the same decision . I answered back that of course , they could keep our email address , and that I understood completely . I even offered to " foster the dog " for the woman if she wanted to on a short or long term basis , if the need arose . We almost fell down the rabbit hole , not quite , but we 're teetering . Posted on January 20 , 2017 by susank456 Do you have any idea how shocking a cold wet nose can be , especially when it touches the back of your thigh ? Let 's just say that it 's a really good thing I am only five foot two inches tall on a good day . Otherwise I might be sporting a concussion and submitting an Aflac claim . I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying off . I had my back to the door , ( huge mistake it seems ) and didn 't hear the door open . I had neglected to pull the door completely closed so there was a small gap , evidently big enough for a nose to fit through and push open the door . I was bent over drying my shins and feet when a cold wet nose ever so gently touched the back of my thigh . I guess Orso was checking to make sure I had used soap . Anyway , I stood straight up and jumped forward about two feet , narrowly missing the lighted makeup mirror that was mounted on the bathroom wall . I sucked in my breath , grabbed the towel , wrapped it around me ( too late to protect my exposed skin ) and turned to face my attacker . Orso was standing there wagging his tail looking like he had just accomplished some huge feat of skill , looking very pleased with himself . At least I didn 't scream or squeal and wake up Mitch , not that he would have heard it , because he sleeps like the dead . I have no idea why Orso decided to get out of bed to come and check on me , something totally out of character for him . He normally climbs back in bed after our morning walk and sleeps until I fix breakfast . I reached out and scratched his ear , then Orso turned around , walked out of the bathroom , jumped back up on the bed , laid down and went back to sleep . I stood there and mentally scratched my head wondering why and getting no answer . What a way to start the day . Posted on December 27 , 2016 by susank456 Many years ago , Mitch gave me a hand - me - down parka that someone at his work had out grown . It is a long knee length winter parka with a zip in liner , and is quite warm . It is water proof with a hood and lots of pockets , and reflector strips to be seen in the dark , making it perfect for walking Orso in the dark and hiking when it 's cold . I 'm not sure how old it is , but I can say that I have gotten at least ten or more years of wear out of it . The down side to the parka is that it has one of those double zippers on it , you know the ones I 'm talking about . The ones that you can zip up closed and at the bottom of the hem , you can zip up toward the collar to unzip to an open jacket . I have always hated that part of the parka , because the double zipper is always harder to catch at the bottom , making it more difficult to zip up . Oh , I know the theory behind it , to be able to unzip the coat to get to a pocket or to go pee without removing the coat , but I would just wait until I was somewhere warm to heed the call of nature . Over the years , the zipper has gotten weaker , making it harder to get shoved down into the second zipper sometimes . Usually that happens when I 'm in a hurry or Orso is impatient , making it take longer to get outfitted and out the door . This morning everything was going just fine , I put on my sweatshirt and hat , then put on the parka and zipped it up , donned my gloves and hooked up Orso to his harness and off we went on our pre - dawn walk . The walk was going along smoothly when I started feeling a chill on my thighs and stomach . I looked down and saw that my parka was wide open flapping in the breeze . Upon closer inspection , I saw that the zipper on the bottom had let go and my parka was unzipping itself from the bottom up . I tried to reconnect the zipper and zip it up to meet the top zipper but that didn 't work . Then I tried to unzip the top zipper to meet the bottom of the zipper where it had stopped at open , but that didn 't work either . So , in an act of desperation , I zipped the top zipper back up all the way and pulled the two sides of my parka together in one hand to try and keep it closed until I could get back home . When I got back home , I struggled with the zipper trying to get the upper zipper unzipped far enough to force the lower zipper down . That didn 't work either , I had only gotten the upper zipper unzipped down about three inches from the top and the lower zipper had unzipped itself up the rest of the way to meet the upper zipper . I stood there thinking about how I was going to the parka off . Panic was starting to set in . I had to get it off and get in the shower to get ready for work . I couldn 't just stand there all day in a parka that was more unzipped than zipped but wouldn 't come off . Have you ever tried to pull a knee length parka off over your head with an opening of about five inches and not rip off your nose ? It 's not easy let me tell you . Share this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , Dogs , humor , short story Tagged dogs , humor , labradors , parka , satire , short stories , walking , women , writing , zippers 8 Comments
|
I 've spent the last six years looking for a cure for the nameless sickness eating me up . If I believed there was one out there , I would keep searching . But there isn 't , so I 've come back home , where my past and present tangle . Come home to live . . . and to die . But my father insists I meet Kin . He 's a healer , and determined to help , even though I 'm not so hopeful anymore . But Kin isn 't what I expected , in any way . He sees me , not my illness . He reminds me of what it 's like to be alive . And I can 't help falling for him , even though I know it isn 't fair to either of us . Kin thinks he has the cure I 've been looking for , but it 's a cure that will change everything : me , my life , my heart . If I refuse , I could lose Kin . But if I take it , I might lose myself . Sometimes , when the weather was just turning from autumn to winter , and the last of the late fruit was clinging to the trees , we partied in the apple orchard . The stories always talk about fey partying , and mostly those stories are true . The fey love a good revelry . They love the music and the fire and the food and the complete abandon of it all . And the apple orchard was as good a place as any to do it . It belonged to my father , and I 'd laid the glamour on it myself . It was hidden , tucked away , the perfect place to get lost , let go . Most nights when I went to the fey parties , I enjoyed myself . Everyone pretended a bit at those gatherings . I could be someone else there . Or no one . I got a few sideways glances , and most of the fey still kept their distance . But I could be lesser there . Or more . The fey let me pretend for a while that I was a whole thing , not a creature living in two worlds . That I wasn 't my father 's son . I loved being able to disappear into the fey , become invisible . There was a freedom in it I found almost nowhere else . But sometimes , I hated them . Sometimes even the sneakiest glances were like weights , levered against me . Sometimes I didn 't want to be anywhere near the fey , didn 't want to spend my midnight hours in the middle of a cold , damp apple orchard , no matter how beautiful the music was . No matter how much I liked the way the bonfire turned the trees ' branches red and gold . Sometimes I just wanted to be home , curled in my bed , warm and alone and safe . But some of the fey found it easier to deliver messages to me here , make requests , and it was my job to listen . I stood at the edge of the lit area , close enough that I could see the fire in the middle of the little clearing , but deep enough into the dark between the trees that no one tried to pull me forward to dance . I switched from resting on one foot to the other . The ground was frosted over , the weather far colder than it should have been for this time of year , for this place . Even my leather boots couldn 't keep the chill from seeping in , not when I was standing still like this , away from the warmth of the fire and the fey , my back against the old tree 's gnarled trunk . A tiny woman appeared at my elbow . Her head barely came up to the middle of my chest , and I was not a tall man . Her hair was a wild puff of blond curls , frizzy and disarrayed but downy . The way it fell over her shoulders , soft and flyaway , made me want to touch it . She wore a thick sweater , holes here and there in the weave of it letting the cold air in . Her feet were bare . She turned her face away and watched the dancers . For a long time , she said nothing , but I didn 't need to remind myself to be patient . I was used to the way the fey got distracted , lost track of conversations . I waited , letting my body go still so she wouldn 't think I was restless . I didn 't get any more out of her after that . Her mind was caught in the music , in the flutes and fiddles and the pulsing beat of the drums . I glanced around for Saben , but either her messenger had mixed up her times , or Saben hadn 't bothered to wait for me , because she wasn 't there . I admit I didn 't search too hard . I wanted to leave . I didn 't go straight home , though . I had to drive through the center of the city to get back to my house , tucked out of the way and far from my father like it was . It was the weekend , and the streets were packed , people walking to and from clubs and bars and restaurants , arms around each other , faces lit up , maybe a bit rosy - cheeked from drinks . It all seemed so far away from me . I was still wrapped up in the fey , their music stuck in my mind , calling to me , just like it 'd called to Saben 's messenger . I wanted to get it out of my head , the lot of it . I found a place to park , not far from a few of the clubs . I picked one at random and ducked inside . The room opened onto a bar and a few tables . There was another door off to the side , a bouncer standing in front of it . I paid him the cover , and he opened the door so I could walk down a steep set of stairs , narrow slats that caught at my boots . I stopped halfway down , squashing myself to one side so I wouldn 't block anyone , and glanced around the room . It was darker down there , of course , and warmer . The shadows were highlighted with bright flashes of pink and purple and blue , sparks of light that came and went . They illuminated just enough that I could make out the mass of people , all tangled together on the dance floor . The music was something thumpy and deep and electronic . It pushed at me , made my heart beat faster , but in a way that was totally different from the fey music . This sound , this place , wasn 't forcing me into anything . I was being asked . I wasn 't sure that I had the energy to join the crowd , but I wanted to be near them , near all that humanity . I made my way down the rest of the stairs and around the edge of the dancers , dodging people who were too lost in themselves to watch where they were dancing . I found an empty spot against one wall , and I tucked myself into it , pressing my back against the concrete . Blending in so I could watch . So I could lose myself in a completely different way than I usually did with the fey . I let my gaze drift around the room , stopping whenever I saw someone who caught my attention . There were fey here too . I 'd expected it - they loved to party , no matter where the party was taking place , and there were more than a few who had no problem interacting with the human world . No humans would notice if they weren 't searching for something out of the ordinary . The fey glamours were good . But my eyes snagged on hair that was too feathery , glittery skin , the soft flutter of wings , all of which could have been a costume or my imagination , but weren 't . I ignored them . They didn 't really matter anyway . They weren 't there to see me , and I wasn 't there to see them . And this place , for once , was more my world than theirs . I swayed back and forth with the music and the flickering lights . The crowd moved in a lazy way , and I watched them in a lazy sort of way . I wasn 't looking for anyone in particular , didn 't even expect to stay long . I just wanted to be part , even a fringe part , of something different , for a few minutes . My eyes snagged on a bright - blue shimmer . I turned my head , searching for whatever it was I 'd seen , that deep - aqua light . It sparkled again , and I saw the boy , the man , it had come from . He was maybe a bit taller than me , his skin lightly tanned , his hair long and black and straight , loose over his shoulders . The sparkle had come from the flecks of glittery color at the corners of his eyes , across one cheekbone , down the side of his neck . He raised his hands over his head , and I saw splashes of green , shining and catching the lights of the club . If I hadn 't known , if I wasn 't always so aware of things that were different , I would have thought the shimmer was makeup or some elaborate jewelry . But I 'd spotted the other fey in the crowd , and I knew this man was one too . I wanted to turn away . I 'd come to get away from all things otherworldly , not to latch on to it , even in this indirect way . But I couldn 't take my eyes off him . He was sleek and graceful and beautiful . He didn 't act like the other fey . Fey don 't seem self - conscious , to the outside observer , but they are . They always want to be noticed , want someone to be staring at them , watching them , falling in love with them . Most of the fey I 'd spotted in the club were either clustered together , doing their damnedest to attract attention , or they were wooing some poor unsuspecting human . Or both . But this man was solitary . He was dancing with his head thrown back , his eyes closed , his arms lifted . He didn 't focus on anyone , and he danced by himself . He was in the middle of the crowd , and it was as if he was absorbing the energy of the music and the people around him through his skin , pulling it in , but he wasn 't trying to move closer to anyone . While I watched , a girl bumped into him . He opened his eyes and looked down at her , laughing and waving away her apology . She smiled back at him , and gestured to the gaggle of young men and women around her . An invitation if I 'd ever seen one . But the man with the glitter on his skin smiled again , a little gentler , and shook his head . The girl shrugged and drifted back into the crowd . The man twisted his body , a sinuous flick of movement that pushed him in the opposite direction . While he drifted away , he glanced up , and his eyes met mine . He didn 't smile at me like he 'd smiled at the girl . His shoulders went a little straighter , though , and he held my eyes . He was still swaying to the music . He should have had to break our stare sooner . But we watched each other for long seconds . I took him in , the black hair falling in his eyes , the slender line of his throat , the splashes of color across his skin . Scales , I thought . Like fish scales or snake scales , chips of blue and green and purple . He was as beautiful as I 'd thought , lithe and elegant . I wondered if he 'd keep staring at me . I wondered if he 'd come over . Or if I 'd go to him . I almost wanted to , wanted to press myself against him , feel the way he moved while he danced . My heart beat harder in my chest , hard enough that I could feel its rhythm over the thump of the music . A group of people danced between us , blocking him from my view . I looked down , and when I looked back up , he was gone . I could have searched for him , waited until I caught sight of his colors again . But I didn 't let myself . I shook my head and inched my way back around the crowd . I was tired and achy , and I 'd seen something better than I 'd planned . It was time to go . My sister , Saben , was staying in an apartment near the outskirts of the city , where there was less iron in the air . It was still more iron than she could handle , and she didn 't belong there , but she pretended it didn 't matter . I didn 't know why she was doing it . Maybe so she could prove something to me , or to our father , or to herself in her mind . It was all a guess to me , and it didn 't matter much , anyway . She wasn 't really any of my business . When I got to her apartment , the door was ajar , and I pushed it open the rest of the way , letting myself in . Saben was standing in the kitchen . She spun toward me , no surprise on her face , like she 'd already known it was me before she even saw me . Her arm lifted . I squinted at it . " A kettle . " I couldn 't blame her for not knowing . It was one of those artsy , modern types , with more angles than any kettle really needed . And the fey didn 't really deal in kettles anyway . She set it back down on the stove and watched me while I took in her apartment . It was small , just a tiny living room and kitchen , and a bedroom I couldn 't see . I knew her rooms at our father 's house weren 't much bigger , but they felt bigger , more opulent and airy , the curtains always thrown open to catch a breeze , the puffed pillows pleasantly chilly when you lay down against them , the carpets thick and stark white . This place was cramped and dingy , gray , and a bit too warm with the afternoon sun coming in through the window . But Saben didn 't seem to notice . She considered it with me , and although she didn 't smile , her face lit up a little as if she actually liked what she saw . " Where are the apples ? " I asked . She squinted her eyes at me . I shook my head , dismissing the question . " I have the knives for your errand girl , " I said , and pulled them from my pocket to put them on the counter . She narrowed her eyes , her mouth clamping into a tight line , and I looked away . I remembered when she was small . I remembered when she was milk thistle fuzz I could hold in my hands . She had been soft and agreeable and I 'd loved her . She straightened her spine , stretching every vertebra , even though , as inadequate as my own height was , she would never quite reach it . The fact of my height didn 't stop her from pretending we were eye to eye , though . " Father wants you to do something . " I didn 't even need to listen to what it was . " Get one of your girls to do it , " I answered right away . " Or one of your boys . " " What is it , then ? " It hadn 't always been this way between us . I hadn 't always been forced to pry information out of her like I was pressing water from stone . She shrugged , a short , sharp rise and fall of her shoulders . Her hand snuck out , and she touched the handle of one of the knives I 'd laid on the counter . " No . Yokai . " Sometimes when we talked , when we were together , I thought she would act like a human . Normal . Sometimes I thought she 'd take down her walls and smile at me , or touch my hand like she 'd done as a child , or complete a sentence in a way that didn 't drip with how high - class fey she was , with how different from me she was . But she never gave me an inch . She hadn 't for a long time . It was bad timing on my part , to cough right then . It meant I couldn 't argue . Not when it was obvious that a person who fixed things was exactly what I needed . I sighed and tried to figure out what to say to get myself out of this . " I told him I wasn 't going to do this anymore . That when I came home , I was done . " I 'd been gone for years , had traveled pretty far , searching for healers , for answers . I hadn 't spent all of that time searching , that was true . A lot of it had been spent living , because there wouldn 't always be much time for me to do that . I 'd spent those years getting lost , pretending I was someone else , someone whole in all the ways I was half . But I 'd searched too . It was why I 'd gone , and I had wanted an answer . I hadn 't made it to Japan . But I doubted that mattered . I 'd come home because there wasn 't anyone who could do what I needed . It didn 't matter where they were from or what kind of healing they did . And there wasn 't anywhere on the planet that could make me someone else , either . So I 'd come back . She raised her eyes , too fast . I stared at her , waiting , but she didn 't say anything . Didn 't shrug or nod or shake her head . She just stared back at me . " You want me to go , " I said , slowly , " so you can tell him you did as he wanted and made me . " Her eyes flickered away from mine at that , and I nodded . " You said it wasn 't a job . But it is . It 's a job for me . Right ? " She didn 't answer , but it didn 't matter . I would go , because she 'd delivered me a message , and my job was to follow those messages , whatever they were . I wasn 't her brother . I was her errand boy . I found her pocket knives to core apples with . I touched iron when her people couldn 't . I told her about kettles . I did as she told me . Saben didn 't know much about the healer at all , except that he was here in the city , that he 'd come up from a short ways south , apparently because there was more for him to do here . That he was a yokai and a man . That my father had heard about him through whatever fey grapevine he was tapped into and decided I needed to go . She didn 't know where this healer slept , where he lived , who he was aligned with in the fey world . She had set up a meeting through some of her people , the string of young fey who trailed around after her , so she 'd never even spoken to him . I was supposed to meet him in a park . It was a big park , with lots of tucked - away spots to get lost in , and it was neutral territory . Clever , but most fey were interested in taking care of themselves above all else , so it wasn 't really surprising . Saben told me to go in the afternoon , didn 't even give me a definitive time . That was more annoying than trucking it down to the park to see a fey I didn 't even really want to meet , because I knew how fey worked , how they thought of time as this malleable thing they could play with . I knew there was every chance I 'd show up , and the yokai wouldn 't , and my day would be shot . Saben had told me to walk to one end of the park , to a tiny pond with an even tinier waterfall . The spot was hidden behind a copse of trees , and it was chilly enough in the early evening that there weren 't too many other people around . The pond had a small clearing around it , a flat stretch of grass between the trees and the water . I stood on the edge of the tree line , a glamour pulled around me to hide myself , and looked for the man I was supposed to meet . I didn 't see anything at first , and I figured I 'd been right that he would be flighty , like all the other fey I knew , that he 'd forget he was supposed to meet me , distracted by something more interesting . But then there was a short splash , a spray of water from the pond , and I realized a man was swimming to shore . He rose a little way out of the water , the sun sparkling off the droplets beading on his skin . His hair was black and slicked back , showing off the long planes of his face . He shook his head , brushed his hands down his arms . Then he stepped to the bank of the pond , out of the water . He stooped and picked up a long piece of cloth and draped it around his waist . It was almost like a skirt , but not quite . I watched him for a second . There was something familiar about him , about the graceful way he moved . He bent forward again , picking up something else off the ground , and I saw a thick line of blue - green scales running down his back . I 'd seen those same scales before - not on his back , but on his face and his wrists . In the club , with the lights bouncing off them and making them shine , while he tipped his head back and gave himself over to the music . I didn 't step out or call to him . I just dropped the minimal glamour I 'd been holding , and the minute I did , he turned to where I was standing against the tree . I took a step forward . Now that I was here , I wasn 't sure what should happen next . I 'd been planning to brush him off , to do whatever it 'd take to make my father believe I 'd completed his task , and leave . But now this man was staring at me , and I knew that he recognized me too , remembered me from that brief , sharp stare we 'd shared the night before . He didn 't make a move toward me , though . Didn 't speak . He just stood there , his back straight , his chest bare , water dripping off the ends of his hair , wetting his cheeks and his jaw and the line of his shoulders . He was so regal , so strong and lovely , as lovely as when I first saw him . I thought of Saben and my father , the icy , excruciatingly polite high - court fey that they were . Sidhe , same as I was . They used formality and manners as weapons , always had them to fall back on , and I could do the same here . I rested my hand , tucked into a fist , against my chest and bowed . When I rose from it , the man stepped toward me . He faced me , his shoulders back , his hands loose at his sides . He was slender , maybe small by some standards , but standing there , he was like cut glass , like copper wire . It seemed as if he 'd draw blood if I touched him . Scales shimmered unevenly over his skin - along his left cheekbone , down the right side of his neck , tapering to nothing over the first two knuckles of his right hand . " Not completely . " There was a part of me that wanted to jerk my chin up , to face him squarely , to beat him back with what I was . But I couldn 't make myself do it . He was right . I hesitated , then nodded . " I came from the court of the sidhe . My father sent me to see you . He thought . . . " I studied him , this man , tilted my head and ran my eyes from head to toe . He looked like a warrior . Not a healer . But he stayed still and let me stare , let me judge him , and it made me feel . . . better . Safer . " He thought you could help me . " It wasn 't a little cough that I could contain , like it had been at Saben 's apartment . It was a thing that tightened and twisted and grew inside me , so that the more I coughed , the worse it was , until I thought I might expel something important . Like a lung . It hurt , deep in my chest , but the pain was a distant thing , because I couldn 't breathe , couldn 't get any air in , and the panic over that blocked out every other thing in my mind . I clapped a hand over my mouth , trying to stop myself , to get control , but then I had to double over . I reached out with my other hand , blind , searching for the tree I 'd been leaning against , for anything I could use to keep myself upright . " Breathe through your nose . " His voice was so deep , so even , right by my ear . He was holding me up , his hands strong on me , and knowing I wasn 't about to go down let me calm myself enough that I could try to do as he said . " Breathe , " he repeated . " In . Count . " He started counting , then breathed in with me when I did . I coughed again , but he was patient , waited , and then started counting and breathing with me again . His palm skated over my back , soothing . His touch made me want to shiver , made me want to lean into it , but I couldn 't think about it , do anything about it , while I was coughing . It took me a few long minutes , but the coughing subsided . It always did . I knew it would . It was just frightening while it happened . I straightened , and he stepped away from me . I pulled my hand from my mouth and wiped it on my jeans . My fingers left a rust - red streak on the fabric . I covered the spot with my palm . But I hadn 't meant it quite so literally . I meant that the coughing and the illness and the tiny streak of red under my hand were a product of my blood , my DNA . It was a product of who I was . " It 's the fey blood . The glamour , the longevity , the magic , whatever you want to call it . I don 't even really know . My fey half . It eats at my human half . " I raised my eyebrows and shrugged . " They didn 't tell you much about me , did they ? " I was surprised , a bit . My father 's court knew about me , the oddity , the half creature that shouldn 't exist , and they liked to gossip about me amongst themselves . Maybe not so much with outsiders , though . " No . " He raised a hand and pushed his hair back . It had started to dry , the shorter pieces in front falling into his face . " Just that you were sick . " He ran his gaze over my face , and I knew what he was trying to find . The markers , the things that would tell him what I was . The way my hair was a strange reddish - orange - fey . The lavender gray of my eyes - fey . The too - sharp points of my features , my relatively short stature , my pale freckles - all human . " They didn 't tell me you were half . " " I 'm a secret . " He was still staring at me , and there was something in his eyes that I thought was fear . I might have thought he was afraid of me , if my ego was large enough . But my ego wasn 't , and even though I didn 't know him , it was obvious by the power in his body and the way he held himself that he didn 't have anything to fear from me . And I wondered if maybe the fear had lodged in his face when I 'd started coughing . If , even though he 'd been so calm , I 'd scared him by being so breakable . " You 're not really supposed to know . You 're not supposed to know that a flawed thing like me was created . That my father made such a huge mistake as to fall in love with a human . No one talks about it . Or they shouldn 't . " I shrugged , very carefully . Just one small lift of my shoulder so I wouldn 't set myself coughing again . I wasn 't a very well - kept secret , but I was a secret nonetheless . " Is it just your lungs ? " He reached behind him while he asked , gathering his hair into a ponytail at the base of his neck . He dug into a pocket and came out with a tie to secure it . I was surprised , because most fey don 't ask and don 't offer . A name can be useful , powerful , and it 's not something to give away lightly . But I 'd grown up in the human world , for the most part , and I liked that he wanted to know . " Luca , " I told him . " Human , " I finished for him , the word clipped . I wanted to take in a deep breath , steady myself , but I was afraid that would start the coughing all over again . " Was . " " Kin , " I repeated . I wrapped my arms around myself . The sun was starting to sink , and it seemed like it was getting colder by the second . " I 'd like to sit down . In my car . Where it 's warm . " I probably sounded too abrupt , rude , but the coughing spell had drained me , and I couldn 't make myself be more polite . " So if you could . . . " I shrugged , because I wasn 't sure what I wanted from him . The thing is , I 'd been to dozens of doctors and healers and witch workers and shamans , human and fey . At first it had just been about trying to figure out what was happening . Then , as my sickness had gotten worse , it 'd been about searching for a cure . My parents had been desperate when I was a child , and I hadn 't even been that sick yet . After I graduated high school and my mother died , my father sent me away . He couldn 't leave the city and his court . But he 'd wanted me to keep searching . And for a long time , I 'd wanted to keep searching too . I 'd kept thinking that there must be someone out there who 'd seen what it was I had , who knew someone like me . Who had an answer . Or even just something that would make me feel better . That would mean I didn 't have to be sick all the time . It takes a long time for hope to dissolve . Long after I thought I couldn 't feel it anymore , it kept popping up . And every time it did , it made the disappointment that followed worse . I couldn 't quite get rid of the hope , though . Even now , even though Kin was standing in front of me , doing his best not to seem shocked at what I was and what that was doing to me , a little bubble swelled inside me that wanted to believe that maybe he 'd be the one . That maybe this time , there would be an answer . So I didn 't know what I wanted from him . If I wanted him to try . Or if I wanted him to stomp out that bubble before it could grow into something that would shatter me . I should have refused him , stopped him right there . But he didn 't sound sure that he really could do anything , and that made me want to go with him . It made me want to trust him , because at least he was being honest with me . And I remembered how solid he 'd been , when he 'd held me up and stopped me coughing . I remembered how ethereal and lovely and wild he 'd been in the club . Eli Lang is a writer and drummer . She has played in rock bands , worked on horse farms , and has had jobs in libraries , where she spent most of her time reading every book she could get her hands on . She can fold a nearly perfect paper crane and knows how to tune a snare drum . She still buys stuffed animals because she feels bad if they 're left alone in the store , believes cinnamon buns should always be eaten warm , can tell you more than you ever wanted to know about the tardigrade , and has a book collection that 's reaching frightening proportions . She lives in Arizona with far too many pets . To celebrate the release of Half , one lucky winner will receive a $ 20 Riptide Publishing credit ! Leave a comment with your contact info to enter the contest . Entries close at midnight , Eastern time , on February 18 , 2017 . Contest is NOT restricted to U . S . entries . Related posts June 22 , 2017 Jessica Alcazar 0 Whisper Forever by CA Harms Title : Whisper Forever Author : C . A . Harms Genre : Contemporary Romance Release Date : June 13 , 2017 Cover Model : . . . June 22 , 2017 Tracy Kalvin 0 Ultimate Game Changer by Kira Adams Title : Ultimate Game Changer Author : Kira Adams Genre : Contemporary / Erotic Romance Release Date : June 22 , 2017 Universal . . . June 21 , 2017 Tracy Kalvin 0 Primrose Lane by Debbie Mason Love is the best medicine . PRIMROSE LANE Harmony Harbor # 3 Debbie Mason Releasing June 27 , 2017 . . . 15 Thoughts to " Half by Eli Lang " H . B . February 14 , 2017 at 3 : 35 pm Thank you for the excerpt for the first two chapters . It sounds like quite an interesting read . Reply James Escol February 14 , 2017 at 7 : 25 pm I hate how fast the condition of Luca 's worsening . Thank you for sharing the first two chapters . Now I can 't not continue reading this . The book I 'm currently reading be damned . LOL ! Reply James Escol February 15 , 2017 at 5 : 15 am One of the things that I didn 't expect from this book is the integration of Japan as a sort - of - settings . The ambivalence of Saben towards Luca is something that I 've seen on some of my friends ' families . Like they stopped being too affectionate & too sweet but we know that Saben has her reasons . And there 's a lot of things that has to be said about Luca & Kin 's first encounter & more importantly , the second one . Kin is unapologetically attractive & it 's hard not to stare when he 's around . * insert sparkling eyes * Reply Tanja February 15 , 2017 at 6 : 55 am Thank you for the very long excerpt . It gives you a good idea of the book . I love the interaction between the siblings . Reply Leave a Comment Cancel reply Notify me of follow - up comments by email . Notify me of new posts by email . Subscribe for Weekly Romance Deals from OMG Reads ! 2017 Reading Challenge
|
I love ice cream ! I am not saying this lightly . I love most flavors , and most cones . I love it plain or with toppings , and I love it most when it is hot and sticky outside . There is just something old fashioned and comforting about an ice cream cone in the Arizona heat . That being said , one of my favorite memories of ice cream happened when I was a teenager in Mesa Arizona and I had just received my drivers license . I had some pretty terrific friends at the time who all liked to tease me and have fun . That was a new experience for me , as I was very serious as a child and did not know how to have fun . It was a learning process to learn to laugh at myself and one I still can struggle with . I was sixteen years old , and finally able to drive . Many of you can probably relate to that feeling of independence that comes with the knowledge that you are responsible . I had passed the written test and the driving test , and most of all , I had passed my step - fathers test ! He was not such a good teacher , and the testing came with a lot of yelling and impatience for my failure at perfection . But , finally , all the rules were satisfied and I was officially able to drive . We had a music concert that night . I was singing in the school women 's chorus . There were four of us that met and were going out together after the performance finished . The guys came to see us sing and we were thrilled to have them there . The music was great . We did a wonderful job . At that time , we had made all our own dresses , and we wore them during the concerts . It was a source of pride to wear them on the activity afterwards . We lived in a rural area , out toward Apace Junction . We had a twenty mile drive to and from school , so it was not possible to walk . For any school activity , one of us needed to drive and pick up everyone else . I could finally take my turn . That evening , we went out to eat and than over to the old Thrifty Drug store on Main Street in Mesa , for a little dessert . We each got our favorite ice cream cone to eat on the way home . Thrifty used That police officer , although he was completely in the right for pulling me over , chose instead to do a small act of kindness by not giving me a well deserved ticket . He certainly could have done it . But instead , he performed a simple act of kindness to a young woman who was still in the process of learning . The same is true for each of us . It is not hard to do a simple act of kindness for someone else . The best acts are those that are unasked for and even secret . We can all do simple , everyday things that make a difference in the lives of those around us . We might not be able to do the same act as my police officer , ( some of us don 't give tickets ! ) but we can do other things equally important and memorable to those around us . My challenge to you today is to do something that touches the life of another for good . I know that someone is aching , not too far from wherever you are . " How simple it is , really , to extend a kindness when we see the need . Jesus set the example on many occasions . He led the blind man out of the town . Just a small kindness , but a powerful example . God helps us to recognize the opportunities we have every day to touch lives in small and simple ways . " My daughter , Kirbi and I were making dinner and talking today . The menu required sauteed chicken which she was quite adept at making . While we were talking , I was doing the dishes and I remembered the time that her sister was making chicken in Kirbi 's kitchen . Kirbi likes decorated things . She has candles and knick - knacks . She also has a decorated oil bottle by her sink . Emily was making the chicken and thought how the flavored oil would go really well with the chicken . She grabbed the bottle and put a generous amount on the chicken than covered it with a lid and went out of the kitchen . In a very short while she heard hissing noises coming from her dinner . She went in the kitchen and found bubbles coming up and spreading out all over the stove . She found out that her sister does not keep oil in the bottle by her sink , she keeps her dish - soap in there . Of course , the dinner was ruined . It is hard to rescue chicken from a soapy sauce . Emily felt so bad , and so frustrated ! She could not understand why her sister would keep soap in an oil bottle . We have all had a good laugh about it over the years . Sometimes , that is all you can do in a bad situation , just find something to laugh about and go on . I was thinking today that Satan acts a lot like that oil bottle in our lives . He tempts us and tries us with things that are decorated and pretty . We think we are getting one thing and instead , he leaves us with nothing but soapy water . So many of the temptations we face today are designed to look great from the outside . Think about it . Alcohol looks good in the advertising . The people look happy . They are all drinking in moderation . They are laughing and joking together . But what is really happening ? Usually someone is drinking a little too much . People are not acting responsibly . They drink and drive , or drink and act foolishly . On the surface , something that looks so blameless , can lead to so much heartache and sin , for themselves , and for those around them . Watching movies , listening to music , steady dating , all of thoRemember that he is called the " Father of lies " for a reason . He is under no obligation to tell the truth . He usually works with partial truths until we have become completely ensnared . The only thing that can protect us is to follow our Savior . Remember , in Lehi 's dream , the people had to grasp the iron rod . It did not hold on to them , they could not just walk beside it , they could not go by sight . They had to take the iron rod firmly in their hands and follow it to the Tree of Life . Today , as you are involved in your daily tasks , ask yourself if you are holding tightly onto the rod , or are you led astray with nothing to grasp except a few soap bubbles . Remember , it is not what is on the outside of the bottle that matters , it is what is on the inside and what you are doing with it that counts the most . I have decided that there is just something about me and weather . Somehow , where ever I am , it follows . We left last Friday evening for a road trip to Missouri . It was supposed to be a twenty one hour trip . We had decided to drive all night and than see what we needed to do . Somehow , we ended up getting stuck in an oncoming blizzard in New Mexico . We dropped down to Highway 60 . It was a two hour detour , but since the Interstate 40 was completely closed , we thought it would be worth it to push on . Instead , we ended up in a serious blizzard trying to get across the country . We were able to make it through the state and into Texas , still fighting the storm and white - knuckling the steering wheel . Neither of us got any sleep ! We were too afraid to close our eyes . We kept each other awake all through the night and the day and the next night . We were so tired ! We went 41 hours with no sleep . A twenty - one hour drive took us about twenty seven hours . The weather was terrible , we were in blizzard conditions for most of the trip . John did not like driving in it and neither did I , but we both were afraid to stop because we might be stuck in it even longer . We saw so many cars that spun out on the road , and even a jack - knifed big rig truck . We also saw a car go right off of an embankment . We were going the opposite way on the freeway . John got off the freeway and we went on some back roads to try and get near the car and see if anyone was injured . We were able to find them and give directions to EMS to get them help . It was totally scary . Thank goodness , the car hit several bales of hay instead of trees and everyone was OK . I was so grateful for that . The girls informed me , after I got back from hiking through the rain and brush , that they had said a prayer for the safety of those in the car . They are really good girls ! I am so impressed when they think of things like that during an emergency . My head kicks into my training mode and I forget about the spiritual things . I was focused on the physical needs that are the result o " If we are to survive and keep our families safe , we must remain anchored to the word of God as taught by the scriptures and modern - day prophets and apostles . We cannot afford to be caught up in the deceit of worldly logic . " I am so thankful that during the rocky ridges of my life , my children remind me to remain anchored in the Word of God . They remind me what it means to have a pure , simple faith . They remind me of what our Lord and Savior meant when he said , " Suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not , for such is the kingdom of heaven . " May we each be just a little closer to heaven today in the face of our own difficulties and trials . May we remain anchored to the word of God as we seek to understand His teachings and follow Him . Posted by William ShakespeareI have found that you can take a woman out of the busy city , but you can 't take the busy out of that same woman ! ( I hope that makes sense ) . I moved here and got involved in all the things that I have always wanted to do , ( but never had the time for ) . I am an EMT at night , work all day as a Post Master , attend school functions , Sing in the Choir , help the kids with homework , blog , write , and even manage to travel when my boss needs me to do something extra for her . How do I do that , you ask ? I am NOT and never have been super woman . I am someone who uses every moment of time in my day . I don 't relax too well , it is something I am working on and I think we might even have one picture of me in a hammock ( I know that I have seen it somewhere ! ) . I actually manage to do many of the things I do by using the time managment strategies that I learned in my work place . I used to help teach a " 7 habits " class . If you don 't know what that is , or have never read the books , I recomend that you try and find them on ebay ( or at your local bookstore ) and go through them . They are by Stephen R . Covey . I have read most of his books and love them ! My very favorite visual aid with that class goes like this - Put the water in . Now it 's full . The point is : unless you put the big rocks in first , you won 't get them in at all . If you start out by putting in the water and sand , you will never get the big rocks into the bucket . Try it ! You will be amazed that trying to put everything in the bucket backwards does not work ! We used to use all the amounts pre - measured and use the same big rocks for both examples . In the one bucket we would put in the water and the sand and than the small rocks and than the big ones . The big rocks would never fit . They would be sticking out all over the top , or they would fall out of the bucket . Than , we would dump out everything and take the same bucket and put the big rocks in first . Than , the smaller rocks , than the sand , than the water . It is a great object lesson and I have found it to be true in my life . In other words : Plan time - slots for your big issues before anything else , or the inevitable sand and water issues will fill up your days and you won 't fit the big issues in ( a big issue doesn 't necessarily have to be a work task - it could be your child 's sports , orchestra , concert , or even a holiday ) . I have learned that we can all make choices . We can choose our big rocks . It is up to you to decide which issues in your life are your big rocks . Put those on the calendar first and than plan the rest of the month ( or week , or day ) around them . I have found myself accomplishing so much more since I started putting the things that matter most ahead of all the ones that matter least . At least this way , I make it to most of the things that I need to be attending . You really don 't have to let the calendar run your life . I only have the things on the calendar that I really have to accomplish . That keeps me from forgetting . Having a calendar doesn 't tie you down . It gives you freedom to plan and make sure you can do the things you have committeed to doing . I once heard a speaker say , " Ask yourself , what comes first , the compass or the clock ? Before you can truly manage the clock , ( time ) , it is important to know where you are going , what your priorities are , in which direction you are headed ( the compass ) . Where you are headed is always more important than how fast you are going . Rather than always focusing on what 's urgent , learn to focus on what is really important " . What is it that is important in your life ? Think about that for a moment . How many of you have traveled a great way through valleys and forest , struggling to make it to the top ? When you get there , you sit down and feast your eyes on the wonder of being in such a place . You thank your Heavenly Father for the opportunity that put you there . You choose to remember the blessing instead of the struggle to reach it . Being a parent can be tough ! It is not the midnight feedings , or the many times they crawl in my bed , or the whining , crying , fighting , biting , pinching , or screaming that have brought me to that decision . It is the teenage years ! Don 't get me wrong , I love my kids , I just wish they went from cute to grown - up without that extra step thrown in . I have found that one of the hardest things to do as a parent is to let your children struggle . They need experience in making decisions when they are young so that they know how to make them when they are older . I try and give them lots of decisions , and pray that they make some bad ones so that they get a little experience behind them . I really love to watch them when they make good decisions . They are so proud of themselves ! They can 't wait to tell you about it . They just blossom under the praise and appreciation for their accomplishments . Sometimes , I struggle with letting them learn to do things . I can vaccuum twice as fast as they can . I can do the dishes without grumbling , fighting and complaining . It takes so much less time to be a bad parent ! Now , if I could just get them to do the laundry and clean their room ! I suspect that it is time to bring out the trash - bag and " help " . I hope today , that you help your children learn one important thing . I hope that you remember that after the struggle comes the blessing . Help them to learn to hang on until the blessing comes . Help them to learn what it means to be a butterfly . A man found a cocoon for a butterfly . One day a small opening appeared , he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole . Then it seemed to stop making any progress . It appeared stuck . The man decided to help the butterfly and with a pair of scissors he cut open the cocoon . The butterfly then emerged easily . Something was strange . The butterfly had a swollen body and shrivelled wings . The man watched the butterfly expecting it to take on its correct proportions . But nothing changed . The butterfly stayed the same . It was never able to fly . In his kindness and haste the man did not realise that the butterfly 's struggle to get through the small opening of the cocoon is nature 's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight . Like the sapling which grows strong from being buffeted It is the struggle that turns us into the butterflies of life . Sometimes we just need to have a little faith and courage to get through the moment and into the blessing . My daughter Miracle and I have had a real mother - daughter bonding experience this year . Miracle joined the Northland Pioneer College Master Choral . She is the youngest member at 13 years old . I am probably one of the oldest ! : - ) We absolutely love singing together . It has been such an amazing experience for both of us , but I think it has been so very eye opening for me especially . I love to sing . Anyone who has known me very long , realizes how much music means to me . I sang in high school choirs , and ward choirs and even community choirs . I have never been one of the best , nor have I even been in the best group , but I have worked at it and still perform today . I have never had the opportunity to sing in college , or in a group that I did not help put together myself . I have sang in weddings , funerals , community events , and in church . I always enjoy it . It makes me feel good to help others feel the Spirit that is such a large part of my life . Music , for me , is an expression of feeling . It is love put to voice and it touches my heart in wonderful ways . However , I have never sang in a group like this one that we are with now . How do I explain what it was like to walk into class the very first night and have the director ( Miss Julie ) blend all the individual voices into a song ? How do I explain what it felt like to be part of that group ? How do I share what it means to me to be singing in something this amazing ? I know that I am getting older , and I might not be able to do this for too many years . I know that voices change as we get older and become weak . But it brings tears to my eyes and pure joy to my heart to be part of it now . Miss Julie has had a tough year this year . She has been very ill and not been able to attend several of our practices . She has been in and out of the Emergency room at the local hospital . She has had personal struggles that are very overwhelming for her . We miss her when she is not with us and can 't wait for her to come back . She lights our way ! We go on , because she has shown us what we caWords and music by Tami Jeppson Creamer and Derena Bell Yesterday was a scary day ! I needed to go drive up to Sunrise to pick up Miracle . She had a skiing field trip with her school , and also had a pre - concert practice with the college . I drove to the ski resort to pick her up and take her to choir . I started out in a snowstorm . The wind whistled and blew around my little truck , I was able to make pretty good time until just outside of Showlow . Then the snow hit in force . The visibility shrunk down to only a few feet past the hood of the truck . It took me an hour to drive up the the ski resort . I got there , to find my sweet young daughter , shivering in the wind and cold , waiting for me out in the parking lot because she was afraid I would not be able to find her in the snow . We drove all the way to Snowflake in a blizzard . The visibility was near zero , I could not pull the truck off to the side of the road because I was afraid of being hit by another vehicle . You literally could not see if there were other cars on the road . The road was so slippery , that I put it into first gear and went slowly onward . The truck did circles down the road at one point . There were steep ditches on either side of the road and whenever I looked over the edge , I was certain we would not be found easily if we slid off . It scared us both so bad and Miracle has decided that she is NEVER going to go anywhere in a blizzard again . Of course , we did not know that it would become a blizzard . It was not on the news . I only know that there were several parts during that trip when I am absolutely positive that it was not me driving . At one point , we were sliding sideways toward a big ditch at the side of the road . Right before we went over the edge , the wheels caught something and I was able to straighten out the truck . We did finally make it to choir and were just in time for Miracle to practice her solo . We had an amazing practice and another harrowing ride to get home to Overgaard . It took me over two hours to get to Sunrise , two and a half hours to get to Snowflake , and another two hours to get hWhile we were going through all this , a song came on the radio and stuck with both of us for the trip . I thought I would share it with you . It is so true . Sometimes it is wise to remember that we don 't have to travel this road alone . There is always someone in our lives who is willing to help us . He will take the wheel if we will only ask . " Jesus Take The Wheel " I have discovered that everyone of us eventually goes through hard times . I believe that we are here to be tested and tried and that , somehow , whatever we go through in this life will help us as we go on into the next one . It is by the struggle that we find our worth . It is through our trials that we become closer to our Heavenly Father . So , how do we endure to the end ? What does it really mean ? Is it suffering in silence ? It sometimes can seem so overwhelming ! Does that mean that we are enduring just for today , this week , next week , or is it possibly years down the road ? What exactly does it mean to endure to the end , and how can we possibly do such a thing ? Sometimes I have thought of the word endure as meaning " getting through " afflictions and trials . While that is a part of it , Brother Robinson says , " The fact is that enduring affliction is only a small part of what " enduring to the end " means . Most frequently , the scriptures use the term endure to mean to last , to continue , or to remain , rather than to suffer " . Isn 't that a new thought for you . I have always equated enduring with suffering ! For me , this article was so eye opening . I have had to look at the term " to endure " in a different manner than I have ever looked before . To endure means so much more than hurt , pain , and sadness . It is to continue in the path that we adopted at baptism by keeping our commitments to Christ , until the end of our mortal life . What a positive way to feel about enduring to the end . We commit to Christ and then continue with that commitment . We make covenants and then keep them . We learn the commandments and than obey them . Notice that the common focus of all of these component parts is loyalty to Jesus Christ . It is only through Him that we are able to fully endure to the end . I found this great story that reminded me of what enduring means . I hope that it also motivates you . Sometimes , I think enduring is simply being able to find a different solution to the problem . It is being able to see more clearly what it is that you should do . It is shaking off the dirt of the world and looking toward the light and trusting that you will be able to do what is necessary . Remember that your Heavenly Father wants you to do more than just suffer . He wants what is best for you . He wants you to have joy . He wants you to come back home to Him . The Donkey and the Well One day a farmer 's donkey fell into a well . The farmer frantically thought what to do as the stricken animal cried out to be rescued . With no obvious solution , the farmer regretfully concluded that as the donkey was old , and as the well needed to be filled in anyway , he should give up the idea of rescuing the beast , and simply fill in the well . Hopefully the poor animal would not suffer too much , he tried to persuade himself . The farmer asked his neighbours help , and before long they all began to shovel earth quickly into the well . When the donkey realised what was happening he wailed and struggled , but then , to everyone 's relief , the noise stopped . After a while the farmer looked down into the well and was astonished by what he saw . The donkey was still alive , and progressing towards the top of the well . The donkey had discovered that by shaking off the dirt instead of letting it cover him , he could keep stepping on top of the earth as the level rose . Soon the donkey was able to step up over the edge of the well , and he happily trotted off . Life tends to shovel dirt on top of each of us from time to time . The trick is to shake it off and take a step up . Remember that it is not the trial that is important . It is what you have done with it that matters in the end . It is what you have learned from the experience . It is whether you have stepped from the darkness and into the light . An honorable man or woman is one who is truthful ; free from deceit ; above cheating , lying , stealing , or any form of deception . An honorable man or woman is one who learns early that one cannot do wrong and feel right . A man 's character is judged on how he keeps his word and his agreements , not only to other men , but also to our Heavenly Father . I learned what the commandments were a long time ago and have them memorized . I can recite them easily . But sometimes , it is hard to live them ! For me , learning to obey the commandment to honor you parents , has been one of the most difficult . I could bore you with details about why , but I heard a very good talk yesterday on not making excuses . It seems like good advice to me , so suffice it to say , that I do not remember a very large part of my childhood , and most of those things that I do remember are not very good . I had a hard time getting past the not so good , and learning to obey the important commandment of Honoring my parents . It has taken me a long time to reach the point of forgiveness and healing . I believe that each one of us need forgiveness and healing . No matter who we are , or what type of life we have led . Because I need that blessing and want my Heavenly Father to provide it for me , I also believe that I must forgive those perceived hurts in my own life . In order to move into the future , we need to let go of the hurts from the past . That being said , one of the things that I learned the most from my past is that we each control our own life . I am the only one responsible for my decisions . Other people can do things to me , but I allow them to impact my life in a good or bad way . I think that the part of my life that has helped me in learning the meaning of honor is to become a parent myself . I remember the days with some of my older girls when they would make statements like : " MY KIDS are never going to act like that ! " or " MY KIDS are never going to be allowed to wear clothes like that ! " Or my personal favorite , " MY KIDS are only going to have ten toys and they will NOT be noisy toys ! " It is amazing how much your perspective changes when you actually have children of your own . Life is so much different than those childhood dreams could ever be . All of your opinions and ideals have a tendancy to fly right out the window when parenthood flies in . I love the quote that says : " Before I had children , I haAnd so , I also learned one of the greatest lessons in this life , how to forgive . " Here is my counsel to children . The Lord gave you a commandment with a promise : ' Honor thy father and thy mother , that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee ' ( Mosiah 13 : 20 ) . It is the only one of the Ten Commandments with a promise . You may not have parents that are living . In some cases , you may not feel that your parents are worthy of the honor and respect of their children . You may not even have ever known them . But you owe them life . And in every case , even if your life is not lengthened , its quality will be improved simply by remembering your parents with honor . " Henry B . Eyring , " Our Perfect Example , " Ensign , Nov . 2009 , 72 I am a very busy person ! I promise that I am not exagerating . I am the happiest when I am busy with the people I love doing things we all enjoy , but sometimes I am just plain busy . When we moved to a smaller town , I worried about what I would find to do there . No stores , no shopping , no movies , only a couple of restaurants , convience stores , and a small country store . I had many people try to talk me out of accepting a job in this small town . I suppose , I was on the fast track going somewhere ( today , I am not even sure where that somewhere was ! ) I had a very strong impression to put in for this job when it came open . I always try to follow the strong impressions ! I was given great counsel once by a loving bishop to keep a paper and pencil by the bed . He explained that the spirit often impresses us the most when we are quiet and can listen . He counseled me to write down what I felt in those quiet moments in the morning or evening . So , that is what I have done . It is amazing the things that you can learn at O ' dark thirty in the morning . That is how I learned that I needed to take this job . My husband had actually been asking me to quit , but I have too much time invested in this and the family depends on my pay check to make ends meet . This job was posted when I was at a very low point in my career . I just wasn 't happy . When a job is posted , you have to put in a very detailed request for the position . It identifies your strengths and what you can bring to the position . It is very time consuming to get it all done and there is usually a two week deadline to get everything into HR . It can be pretty daunting when you are being overwhelmed with everything else . I did not even see the posting until it had been out for a week . My husband and I talked it over and he wanted me to put in for it . The little town is up in the mountains of Arizona . The community is nestled in the Pine trees , quite a ways from other communities . We had been up there before , for the yearly fireworks desplay over the forth of July weekend . As a matter of fact , we used to try and come up every year because it was cooler and the sky is so black that the firworks look amazing ! I was so afraid that they would tell me I was over qualified . I had been managing up to 125 people at work , and this job was one where I would only be managing 4 , but I would be completely in charge and involved in the community . We prayed and fasted about it , and I woke up one morning with the strongest feeling of peace and certainty . I knew that I was supposed to put in for it . I did all the paperwork , and waited , and waited , and waited . I also put in for other jobs during that time , trusting that Heavenly Father would lead me in the direction that I needed to go . There was another job that came open only one mile from my house . I thought that I really wanted that job . It would be a promotion , a pay raise , and it would be so close to my house that I might even be able to spend more time with my family . I prayed so hard for that job ( it had been over three months waiting for the other one and I was afraid that they had canceled the position ) . I never had any feelings about it one way or the other , but I was hoping that it would work out . I was so sad when I found out that I did not get it . The manager who did not hire me called me on the phone and said that for some reason she did not know , she felt like I was not suppose to have that job ( she is also a very religious woman but does not usually , openly talk about it , however she knew that we shared the same beliefs , so she shared her impressions with me ) . Since two of us were equally qualified , she chose the other woman over me . I was really pretty sad about it . I actually really wanted to work with that manager . I still did not know what I was supposed to do . I found that it is easy to forget the certainty of a moment when you wait such a long time before the confirmation . The very next day , I received the news that I was approved for the original job in a small town three hours away from home . There were so many things to be done ! We had to sell the house , buy a house , move the kids . My husband was unemployeed for three years , but this move is the very best thing we have ever done . We are happy here . We fit in , we belong , we love it . And I am STILL a busy woman ! What is amazing to me is how the Lord guides you in all you need when it is the right thing to do . No one else was selling their homes , but ours sold . I had some people come into my office and offer me their house for a price I would have had a hard time turning down . I went and looked at the house and I fell in love with it . It was a price we could afford in a neighborhood that I liked . ( Pretty much all the neighborhoods up here are the same ) . My kids we able to Posted by My daughter had a rough day at school today . Unfortunately , she is now in Junior High where the kids seem to develop a sense of mean . For some reason , she is the one that they have decided to be mean to . It was so bad the other day that one of the teachers approached me to ask who was doing it . Evidently , she had started crying . After talking to her a little , she finally opened up and let me know that a young man she liked had told her that she is worthless to everyone . The mother in me wanted to boil . How dare any person call my dear daughter " worthless " . She is a child of God and she is amazing . Instead of getting mad , I bit my lip and thought for a moment . We then proceeded to have a wonderful discussion about people and attitudes and how we give people the power to hurt and offend us . We talked about choice and about some things that she could say or do the next time she finds herself in that situation . Most of all , we talked about her worth and my love , respect and admiration for the wonderful young woman that she is becoming . I can 't fix this for her , or make it go away . It is something that most of us go through on the road to adulthood . I would protect her from it if I could . But than , I remember the growth that comes through the trials . The skills that come from the practice . The knowledge that comes after the faith . And I know that this is her time to learn and grow . It is not what happens to you that counts . It is how you react to what happens to you , especially when you are faced with unexpected difficulties and challenges . Many people spend their entire lives searching for happiness . They somehow think that it is something to seek , buy , or even take . They look for peace externally . They search in dreams , activities and even other people , all the time hoping to find that which they seek , when really , the only person who has the power to make us happy is inside ourselves . I shared with her my very favorite quote . I have it hanging up in my office to help me during those days when my own attitude is not what it should be . ( We all have days like that now and then ) . The quote is by Charles Swindle and is well worth repeating . " The longer I live , the more I realize the impact of attitude on life . Attitude , to me , is more important than facts . It is more important than the past , than education , than money , than circumstances , than failures , than successes , than what other people think or say or do . It is more important than appearance , giftedness or skill . It will make or break a company . . . a church . . . a home . The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day . We cannot change our past . . . we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way . We cannot change the inevitable . The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have , and that is our attitude . . . I am convinced that life is 10 % what happens to me and 90 % how I react to it . I would also like to share this story today . It is a different way of looking at a problem . This short story illustrates that every one of us has the choice whether or not to take personal offense from another person 's behavior . Just in case you think I am totally heartless to teenage problems , we went shopping in town tonight ( read forty - five minute drive ) and got her a new haircut ! It is amazing how a little change can totally give you a new outlook on your feelings . And of course , a little extra special treatment for an extra special daughter doesn 't hurt either ! Posted by There was a speaker at the youth conference in Missouri . I do not know his name , I was not there . But I want to share a story with you that my daughter shared with me of her experience . First of all , let me preface this by saying that I am not trying to offend any of you . If you don 't agree with my view , that is fine . I am merely presenting this as something for each of us to think about . This speaker spoke about obeying the Prophet of God . He talked about the time , many years ago , when Gordon B . Hinckley came out and addressed the fads of tattooing and piercing : " Now comes the craze of tattooing one 's body . I cannot understand why any young man - or young woman , for that matter - would wish to undergo the painful process of disfiguring the skin with various multicolored representations of people , animals , and various symbols . With tattoos , the process is permanent , unless there is another painful and costly undertaking to remove it . … A tattoo is graffiti on the temple of the body . Likewise the piercing of the body for multiple rings in the ears , in the nose , even in the tongue . Can they possibly think that is beautiful ? It is a passing fancy , but its effects can be permanent . Some have gone to such extremes that the ring had to be removed by surgery . The First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve have declared that we discourage tattoos and also ' the piercing of the body for other than medical purposes . ' We do not , however , take any position ' on the minimal piercing of the ears by women for one pair of earrings ' " ( Ensign , Nov . 2000 , 52 ) . The speaker continued to speak on the importance of this principle and he talked about those whom he knew personally that had made the decision to follow the council of the Prophet . My daughter and I , when we were both much younger , had two holes in each of our ears . We both liked the practice and thought that it looked nice . I still remember when President Hinckley came out with his counsel on ear piercings . We looked at each other , and went home and removed the extra earrings . It was not a hard decision for me to remove the second earring . I did not understand " why " at that time , but if the Prophet told me to , than I was willing to follow that counsel . Sitting next to my daughter in this Youth Conference , on the bench in that chapel , was a young girl who was not a member of the church . Partway through the talk , she left . When my daughter was telling me this , I wondered if she might have been offended , because she had several piercings in each ear . She came back to the meeting approximately ten minutes later , with her ears bleeding and all of the earrings except for the bottom hole in each ear removed . Some of the piercings were recent , so they reopened and bled when she took the earrings out . This young girl , though not a member of the church , was nevertheless , touched by the spirit to follow the words of the Prophet in these latter days . It is so amazing to me ! Sometimes it is hard for us to follow the counsel and teachings even though we have a knowledge that he is a prophet of God . Yet , here was a young woman who was not even a member of the church and she went and took out her earrings . Today , Satan is trying so hard to challenge and discourage our youth . He works constantly to try and make them want to " fit in " with the crowd . Do you remember the story of Lehi 's dream ? Do you remember the large and spacious building with the crowd of people who were laughing and mocking those who chose to follow the Lord ? Doesn 't it remind you of the things we face today ? Doesn 't it remind you of the world ? Now comes the harder question . What one thing , are you holding onto that you shouldn 't ? What one thing could you change in your life that would allow you to truly follow the prophet and be closer to your Savior ? Remember Satan ? He seeks to have us be like him . Cast out of Father 's presence . His nature is to lead us away . His nature is to keep us from our home . The scorpion and the FrogOnce upon a time a scorpion wanted to cross a brook . On the bank he saw a frog and asked if the frog would give him a ride to the other side . Satan , with his nature , would have you drown in the fads and fashions of the world . He would have you think that the little things don 't matter . He would have you believe that it is OK if you follow some commandments and not others . If you chose to walk with him , you will surely be lost in the mansion or the mists . His nature is to lie just like the scorpion in the little story . I have often heard people say that they would be willing to die for the gospel of Christ . That they would be willing to die for their Savior . I don 't think , at this time , He needs us to die . I think He needs us to live and follow Him and be an example and a testimony to those around us who are seeking for Him . Your task is to choose who you will follow . You have been called at this time and in this place to LIVE for your Savior . You have been asked to become more like Him . May we each seek to follow His prophets in all they do and say . Bruce Barton has said : " Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things - I am tempted to think there are no little things " . CAN I HAVE THIS DANCEI used to be a photographer . It was a job I loved . I have done many weddings and proms as well as senior pictures and family reunions . It was a second job for me during a time in my life when I needed every dime I could earn . Today , I still take pictures for pleasure , but I also am sometimes convinced ( reluctantly , because I know how much time it takes to do a good job ) to take pictures for others . It is usually a gift of love on my part , as I have a hard time charging for something that I enjoy doing . Often , I am asked to do more when the friends of the family see the pictures and would like the same type . It is not so much now , because I really need to upgrade all my equipment to digital . That is so expensive that I haven 't gotten around to doing it yet . I want to , but the budget does not afford it easily . Today , I was going through some of my old pictures and found one from one of the Proms that I worked at . It brought back memories of a very special dance . I used to work with a studio that did the photography for many of the proms in the Mesa area . I would go in , set up the picture area , take pictures all night , and leave after the dance and after we had taken down all the sets . It was exhausting ! It was also exhilarating and fun ! There is something about working with a group of teenagers . Sometimes they could be very hard . Especially when they thought they wanted pictures that really would not look good later . It was a real challenge to talk them out of the more crazy ideas and into a pose that they would be happy with . Crazy was and continues to be OK , to a point ! But you have to be a little careful when it is Prom , otherwise they will all be back in the studio for retakes ! Anyway , there was this one dance that I will always remember and treasure . The where and when doesn 't matter , it is the what that sticks with me to this day . There was a large group of kids , four couples that all came in together . Most of them were completely ordinary in every visible way . Four boys , three girls , allShe was in a wheel chair , she could not talk or actively participate with them . She could only smile , gesture , and laugh , but what a wonderful , joy - filled smile lit up her face . Her date had bought her a corsage that was one of the most beautiful in the room . It was pinned on her totally amazing prom dress in such a way that it would not be crushed and she could look at it and enjoy it . This group of teens wheeled her into the dance , with compassion and understanding and love , but probably the most important thing for her that night , was the fun . One of the girls in the group was her sister and the rest of them were friends . I talked with them while we were getting the group set up for their photos . They were so happy to be sharing this night with her ! Her date told me that the group had gotten together and decided that she needed to go to a prom before she got out of high school that year . She was very intelligent , but could not communicate easily without special equipment . However , she was able to be involved in the planning and the preparation for this very special " first " date . The boy who took her , had gone to school with her for a few years and was also friends with her family . She was given the place of honor in the middle of the picture with all the other teens gathered around her chair . It was amazing . There was no arguing , no longing faces , no ridicule . None of the other negative emotions that I had seen already that night . There was simply love and acceptance for a friend . The young girl smiled while I took her pictures and waved as she went off to the dance floor with her friends . For me , the best part came later that evening , when a woman came up to me and asked me if I had helped with the group . She wanted to order more of the pictures for her family . That woman was the young girl 's mother . She told me of how this group of kids came into her daughters life at the beginning of high school . How they had taken her under their wing and included her in their activities . How they had made her feel accepted , wanted , needed , and loved . Her mother had tears in her eyes as she shared with me the change that these seven teens had brought into her daughters life . We watched them all take turns on the dance floor with each other and with this beautiful young girl . When I am tempted to think that my one voice does not matter , that my one kindness doesn 't count , that my one gift did not make a difference , I often find myself thinking of this young woman and her seven friends . They taught me that the greatest gift of all is the one you give of yourself . It President Dieter F . Uchtdorf has said : God does not look on the outward appearance ( see 1 Samuel 16 : 7 ) . I believe that He doesn 't care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage , if we are handsome or homely , if we are famous or forgotten . Though we are incomplete , God loves us completely . Though we are imperfect , He love us perfectly , Though we may feel lost and without compass , God 's love encompasses us completely . " On that day , those teenagers showed me what it feels like to love completely . They taught me that part of being whole , is to make someone else feel the same way . They taught me that just because you are different , you don 't have to be forgotten . They showed me that even though we are all imperfect , sometimes we can love others in a nearly perfect way . May we all treat others as those wonderful young people treated their very special friend . Posted by I have started a 365 day project . This is where you take a picture a day for 365 days in a row . Here is the link to my photography blog . One Moment In Time Marvin J . Ashton said , " Commune daily with your Heavenly Father who knows you best of all . He knows your talents , your strengths , and your weaknesses . You are here on earth at this time to develop and refine these characteristics . I promise you he will help you . He is aware of your needs . He is aware of your unanswered prayers . " I am the wife of the most amazing man on earth and the mother of 11 children . I am also a grandma of 14 grandchildren , with several more to come . My family means more to me than any other thing I might have accomplished . View my complete profile
|
They had a pact for the mornings : he would wake earlier and she would get up and join him after he 'd had his coffee . Then they could talk . Often , they talked about her work : Ellie was painting the war , as she had been for a long time now . She had used oil , acrylics , water colors . She had thrown the contents of their garbage can at a canvas plastered with glue . She did not deny the repetition . She knew all her paintings hovered around the same events , the same images : when the power went out in the whole city and the looting began ; when she had hidden in a cellar for a week ; when her parents first went missing . When I don 't have anything more to say about those things , she told Robert , I will paint something else . He rinsed his cup and put his overcoat on . Ellie stood up from the kitchen table , hidden inside her loose robes and the flare of dark red hair . They held each other before he left , this time a little longer . Robert heard her lock the door behind him and felt it coming up from his stomach , into his chest , clawing at his throat and eyes . It was the coffee kicking in , of course . He walked along the quiet side streets , avoiding the highway intakes and the avenues . The city was lined with trees at this level , the leaves always seeming on the verge of turning yellow . As he walked he looked in his phone for music to sustain the knot in his throat . The songs he found felt stale , stained with the way he had once felt . He put his phone away and walked on in silence . On his way back , almost dark again , he chose a different route . He walked parallel to the elevated highway that split the city into East and West , staring at the streetlights ' bluish halo on the grey concrete struts - a spine melting into the dark blur of rooftops . He could not see the vehicles moving along the highway surface above , but the intakes and out - channels were always backed up with cars returning to street level . The sound they made as they rushed above was like the roaring of the sea . Robert walked past an intake and stopped to look upwards at the tight concrete spiral . He did not remember the war at all . He had been rescued from the rubble of a collapsed building after the first firebombing and had spent the remainder of it mostly unconscious in a hospital bed . Ellie had two sketchbooks full of portraits of him from that time , some full of sharp angry lines , some restive and flattering , but always asleep . He remembered when the new highways had not yet been completed and the sunsets had not begun reflecting their light , but when he was able to leave the hospital the world was already a different place . A large truck rushed past him and up the intake , startling him awake . He went into the white aisles of a supermarket with a plastic basket in his hand . He did not need a list and he did not mind being surrounded by the advertising that many found suffocating : in the end , it was other people trying to get what they wanted , just like him , just like Ellie . He corrected himself - no , not like Ellie . That she would have been the first to admit so was precisely what allowed him this faith . He realized he had been staring at the label on a large jar of baby food . Robert looked around and realized he was in the wrong aisle . A young woman pushing her cart from the other end smiled at him . He could feel beads of sweat start forming in his lower back , on his temples . He walked out of the store and headed home , thinking . When he came in , she was sitting at her desk with her laptop . They had found a little girl sitting by herself on a bench along one of the garden paths , her legs dangling a foot above the ground and almost in tears . The gardens were in full spring bloom and swarmed with busloads of tourists . Robert and Ellie had watched the little girl from a nearby concession cart as they bought water and had looked around for her parents , wondering whether or not to do something . Finally , Ellie approached the bench and asked the girl if she was lost . She refused to answer until Ellie convinced her that she didn 't count as a stranger , at which point the girl allowed herself a good cry . Robert went back to buy apple juice for the both of them , making sure the transaction ended when the little girl had stopped crying . They sat and waited with her , talking and laughing , for almost half an hour until the parents , sweaty and dishevelled , ran up the path and spotted them . Robert stared at them , wondering , as they frantically thanked Ellie and hugged their daughter . - I mean , you were really good with her . I remember people walking by and smiling at us like we were her parents . And she was laughing all the time … completely forgot she was lost . - And I was thinking that we never even had to baby - talk to her , we just chatted with her and she chatted right back , but her parents were totally ooing and aahing her - like she was a month old or something . It 's like they didn 't even know her . But you , you just … - Nothing , nothing . I just saw an ad somewhere and it reminded me of it . You were just , well , just really good about it and I thought that it was funny , that we were … you know . It was just funny . - Look , honey . I know you didn 't mean anything bad by it . And I don 't want you to take this as if I regret anything about where we are - I like where we are ; I 'm really happy . But please don 't do that . Don 't start getting nostalgic about that and then pretend like it 's a coincidence . It 's dishonest and it 's cheap but mostly it 's not fucking fair . It began outside their house . Robert was reading when the dull quiet of the morning broke with a single idle car engine , then another . Soon the rhythm of cars stopping and starting took over the living room . He opened the shutters and saw the usually quiet street now packed with cars , waiting for their turn at a nearby intersection . He finished his coffee quickly and left through the alleyway to avoid the noise , trying to spot any road work that might have deviated traffic to his corner of the world . Once he reached the avenue , he saw it was jammed with cars . Steam rose from exhaust pipes , engines roared as lights turned red to green , green to yellow . Robert put his headphones on and took the first alley away from it . Over the next weeks it increased , to the point where it slightly displaced sports and weather for conversation topics among his colleagues . Robert began listening to his old music on his walks to work . He walked with his hands in his pockets and manoeuvred with his shoulders to avoid walking into the increasing amount of people on the sidewalks . Television screens , seemingly everywhere , showed the same short video clips of the refugees arriving at the airport , on the highway . The initial trickle of those who had managed to get away before the raids was now an official exodus . The dim roar of car engines , now subdued by the double pane windows Robert had installed , was now pierced with erratic car horns . Large moving trucks , desperately trying to turn into narrow alleyways , would frequently block traffic . When Robert walked out of his building he often had to press against the hallway walls to let movers and their boxes by . In little ways , they yielded . There was no easy , convenient distinction between the refugees and the residents of the city - no skin colour or language to blame , and so the city carried on sullenly . After a week of headaches from the noise , Robert began driving to work and Ellie stopped going in to the magazine offices , sending out her illustrations by mail . After a few infuriating attempts at dining out , they settled on staying in , watching a film , cooking dinner . After clearing the dirty dishes , Robert sat at the kitchen table with his book , listening . The heavy steps on the floor above came and went in flurries , then disappeared altogether . Ellie walked by and stared at the ceiling , then at Robert . He turned to her . She walked towards him and sat on his lap , her back to him . Robert held her while she found that old place between his elbows , with his lips against the smooth , round bone on the back of where her neck began . He was so full that way that he felt guilty that she had nothing to hold . He hummed the tune of a song , it did not matter which one , while he rocked with her to one side and then the other . Over the years the song changed but there was always a song that was theirs , another piece of furniture in their home . The steps in the hallway outside and in the apartment above them began again . Robert felt the sheets drenched with sweat before he opened his eyes . He threw the comforter off and felt the sharp , cool air on his damp shirt . His heart was racing . He looked over at Ellie , fast asleep , then at his watch on the night stand . It was hours before he had to get up . He sat and felt the moist sheets with shame , hoping they would dry before Ellie woke . He stood up and walked towards the window , making a gap between the blinds with his hands . He looked a floor down at the lawn in front of his building , at the balconies and drapes directly across the empty street . It occurred to Robert that he had not heard such absence of noise in months . Three thick , rapid thuds on the front door . Robert looked at Ellie , still asleep , and walked out the bedroom door to the hallway . Three more knocks came as he passed the closet . He stepped lightly , almost on his toes , towards the door . He could see the interrupted line of light in the floor under it . Robert leaned towards the peephole , holding his breath . He felt his heart pushing and pulling inside him as he saw a man in an orange jumpsuit and cap through the fisheye lens . Robert could make out two cardboard boxes on either side of the man , maybe more . The man in the jumpsuit knocked harder , six times pounding six times . Robert stepped back , startled , tripping with the welcome mat and falling backwards . He looked up at the door , lying on his back and raised on his elbows , waiting for the silence to break again . Then he heard Ellie 's voice call his name from the bedroom . Robert got up and reached for the car keys on the hooks near the door . He ignored the knocks that now came more frequently . He could hear more steps on the other side of the thin plaster wall . He ran back to the bedroom to find Ellie standing next to her side of the bed in her night gown , her eyes half closed with sleep . He grabbed her by the shoulders and tried to explain . His voice was cracking . They could hear the knocking turn into ramming , the thud now lined by the sound of crunching wood . He couldn 't breathe , the words were killing him as they came out . She nodded and began putting on a trench coat . Her hands were trembling as she tried to tie the laces on her sneakers . Robert looked around the room , trying to think . They heard the sound of metal hitting the front door and the wood cracking as it gave way . Ellie looked at him and ran to the window , tore the blinds off with a loud clatter . Robert picked up the wicker chair from the corner of the room by the back and slammed its four legs against the large window . Nothing . He stepped back and tried again , letting his weight flow behind the chair . The glass cracked in three small circles . Ellie shouted " the mirror ! " . He dropped the chair and ran to help her as she tried to lift the white full - body mirror from the spot where it leaned against the wall . Robert picked up the bottom end of the heavy metal frame and they carried it closer to the window . Robert looked back at Ellie , tears streaking down her face as she held up the back end of the mirror above her shoulder . They counted to three together and hurled the mirror , Robert pulling the front end towards the window . He hit the wall below it with his knees as the glass shattered , his arms landing on the ledge . Still kneeling , he looked back at her . Robert looked back at the door . The dresser had begun to slide backwards , scraping a line of peeled plaster . The door was half splinters as it continued to slam into the wood . He screamed back at the noise : at the roar of steps , the slamming door , the cracking wood . The door pulled back abruptly and was shut still . The noise stopped . Robert stared , breathing hard , feeling the hollow pain in his forearm creeping up to his shoulder . Ellie shouted his name from the lawn below . The door cracked loudly again and popped off its hinges , landing diagonally on the dresser . Robert could see parts of the orange jumpsuit through the open doorway . He got up on the ledge and looked below , then jumped . He felt the grass on his face , the smell of it , and a dull pain in his feet . Then Ellie was helping him up and holding much of his weight as they rushed to the car . He slumped in the passenger seat as she started the ignition , slammed on the accelerator and drove through the empty street . His head resting against the car door , Robert looked up through the windshield at the clouds . As they drove towards the avenue he could make out the blue light of the highway giving the clouds a slight shimmer , like slow motion lightning . Ellie was saying something . - I 'm fine . I 'm just a little fuzzy … I think I hit my head when I jumped . Don 't worry , just keep driving . But don 't get on the highway … they 'll look for us on the highway . His eyes opened . He was staring out the car window at the street lights passing by , the highway in the background , above them . His arm hurt , but there was not the feeling of fading away that there had been before . Robert looked at his arm and saw that his shirt had been ripped , wrapped and tied around his forearm . He sat up . They were driving along an avenue on the industrial part of the city , near its edges now . The warehouses lining both sides of the street were shut , trucks parked outside . They roared along . - I didn 't do anything . They weren 't police . I don 't know who they were , except that they were dressed like the movers who have been walking around the building for a while now . It occurred to me when I saw them … did you ever actually see the people moving in or out of the apartments ? - Me neither . I don 't know what they wanted but it can 't have been good . Good news don 't break into your apartment at 2 AM with a battering ram . - I 'm not sure . I don 't think going back there is a good idea . I thought we could get to Fort Davis or any other city and see how it is there , see if anybody knows anything about those movers . I 'm hoping the old two - lane road is still there and we can keep off the highway . They talked about it as they drove , not saying much . She wasn 't sure . They kept going ; the buildings spread further apart , barbed wire fences sprung up alongside the road . A warm glow to their right made Robert look , then Ellie . The cars on the highway were burning . From where they were , they could only see the tops of them , packed tightly against each other , vomiting flame upwards . The smoke curled and billowed into a thick dark cloud above , shining with the leaps of the flames . David followed the highway with his eyes while Ellie slowed down to look . They sped up . As they drove they spotted several other clusters of cars on the highway , some charred completely , others simply abandoned in a ridiculous pile - up - like something a child would concoct after getting tired of playing races . The three lane avenue narrowed into an unlit two - lane road that wove through fields . Robert felt strong enough to drive . They were quiet , mostly , glancing intermittently at the highway that was always to their right . The fences stopped and they were rolling through fields of tall grass , shining fluorescent green and yellow with the car headlights . After they had passed the last farm the road steadily deteriorated , and Robert slowed down to avoid the potholes and large rocks . As the sky began to lighten , the pavement ceased altogether and they were on a dirt road . She saw it first . A grey mass , far ahead , swallowing the highway . It covered the horizon . As they drove closer , the dark blur congealed into distinct shapes - half demolished buildings , girders emerging from piles of rubble , light posts jutting out from the ground like toothpicks . Robert drove up to the first buildings , what looked like the remains of a gated community . They drove around it , going very slowly to avoid the chunks of concrete wall on the road , and into what remained of the city . As they moved out of the suburbs , they saw the remains of larger buildings - strip malls , convenience stores , a public library . Through the mountains of rubble they could still make out the highway , its struts now swimming in stone . Robert manoeuvred the car through whatever openings he could find , trying to reach it . They did not have much gas left . After half an hour of slow going they had to stop . The debris was too dense and uneven for the car to handle , and the collapsed buildings made it difficult to get their bearings . They had followed the highway , the only recognizable landmark , until they had mountains of rubble on all sides . Robert turned off the engine and got out to look . They were in front of a collapsed stadium , the highway almost adjacent to it . Ellie clambered up the pile of concrete and wood that had once been a restaurant to get a better look . Robert was sitting on the roof of their car , feet on the hood , when she came down . She had rolled up the sleeves of her trench coat and put her hair in a pony tail . Robert stared . - We 're going to have to turn back , Robert . It 's a solid wall of rubble as far as I could see on this side of the highway . Probably the same on the other side . It 's amazing that it 's still standing . - There 's got to be something on the other side - survivors , a camp . And we 're screwed for gas whichever way we go . Besides , it 'll only take a few minutes . You can wait for me here if you like . Robert slid off the car and began walking through the parking lot towards the stadium , trying not to look back . He heard Ellie 's footsteps behind him and stopped , closing his eyes for a second , breathing . She stopped next to him , looking at the sunlight beginning to break over the jagged edges of the dome ahead . Robert took her hand . Then they walked forward , aiming at where the crumbled walls of the structure rested against one of the highway supports . It was easy at first as they skirted the edges of the collapsed dome . It took longer than Robert had expected . They quickly learned to test each stone or concrete slab before they placed their full weight on it . After an half an hour they were only a few minutes from the crest of the rubble , climbing with their hands and feet , helping each other up the sharpening incline . A cold wind kept blowing the dust into their hair and faces . Robert clambered up a concrete slab about his own height , grunting with effort . He made it up a ledge and caught his breath , looking blindly at the stone , then turned around to take Ellie 's hands . He pulled her up as she walked on the smooth surface of the slab in small , precise steps . Something rumbled and gave under her , and the slab slid under her feet and tumbled down . She fell but held on to his hand , smacking against the rocks underneath . He pulled her up with both hands as she kicked herself forward , until they were holding each other . She was pale and covered in dust , bleeding from a cut across her forehead . She said nothing , breathing hard as he cleaned up the wound with the remains of his shirt . Robert walked around trying to find the easiest way up the last few meters to the top . He held her hand as he groped the pieces of concrete , pushing and probing . He found his hold in an exposed girder directly above him and pulled himself up high enough to put his feet on a jutting ledge and rest his weight there . Robert reached down with his left hand while holding on to the ledge . He felt her take it with both her hands . He probed with his right hand , sliding it across the metal girder to the stone , then up a few inches , and then nothing . They were almost there . The wind was blowing so hard he had to yell down that they were almost at the top . Hearing nothing , he looked down . Ellie was cradling his hand with both of hers , tears streaming down her cheeks . She was pressed tightly against the stone , almost sobbing . He tried pulling with his hand but felt her pull back . Robert stared at the sea , thinking . The lawn chair , designed for better weather , was icy on his back and legs . A nurse had given him two blankets when he insisted on going out to the beach again . After he first came to , a doctor had been around to check on him in his room , but had been careful not to discuss the sequence . A week later , the psychiatrist had told Robert that even in successful treatments such as his own , the first days were fragile , critical . Hence the bare walls , the enforced silence , the sea . He took the brochure from his sweatshirt pocket and unfolded it . Before agreeing to treatment he had laughed at the pretence of knowledge , the sheer arrogance implicit in places like this . He remembered when his parents invited him over for dinner and gave him the clinic 's information package . Robert had scoffed at the idea and had called the doctors butchers , using blunt tools to experiment with something so delicate , so poorly understood . They had a glorified CAT scan , a battery of personality tests and some LSD and called it medicine . It was amazing , he had said , that they didn 't just top it off with a lobotomy . Robert got up and tossed the brochure on the lawn chair before walking back to the clinic . As he approached the old concrete building the roar of the interstate merged with the sound of the waves . It was almost four and he had his last session with his assigned counsellor , a thin , bearded absence of a man . Robert walked past one of the uniformed janitors mopping up the stairs , feeling his hand against the stone railing , aware of the feeling of his feet inside his shoes , his clothes brushing against his body . The counselling office was comfortable ; it faced the beach and was sparsely decorated . They sat facing each other in identical Aalto chairs , discussing the weather , warming up . They were almost through discussing the sequence in detail . Today they talked about the end of it , right before he woke , when he had let go of Ellie 's hand . Robert gazed through the large window , looking outside . A grey , cloud - ridden sky merged with the sea below . He could barely make out the face of the man sitting across the coffee table in front of him , haloed by the sunlight . Robert could feel him measuring the silence , evaluating it . - Not really , no . That 's the whole point , isn 't it ? She 's dead . She can 't give me permission to do anything anymore . - But , don 't you think it 's what she would have wanted you to do ? If she were alive ? Or if she could see you ? Robert stood up and picked up the signed piece of paper from the coffee table . He turned around and walked out , not listening . He was a little bored now and wanted to get back to work . The House There are noises outside my window . A single shovel scrapes against something which is not earth and does not wish to be moved . Tinny sounds of discarded objects are projected out as they strike the floor . Every now and then , there is a louder crash or thud , as something heavy hits the ground . A week ago they moved a large iron container onto the yard , and it is now half full of wood panels . They are taking a dimension away from this house and making it flat , stacking it up inside this metal container . One day a truck will come and take it away somewhere . There are three men dressed in orange jumpsuits . They are all wearing gas masks , and they never say anything . When I look from my window I can see them pointing at things to each other . They are the beetles of the city , its lichens and molds and fungi . This house has died and they are here to eat it . I think when I look at their gas masks that it must be a good way to keep the people out of your mouth and nose . After we die , we will have littered the world with tons of hair and discarded skin . Every week I take a broom and get rid of all the hair in my room , but I know that I miss most of it . I know my room is filling up with parts of me . These men do not eat humans , however . They eat houses . They would rather no - one had ever been in the house they are eating . They have now stripped the house of most of its skin and now we can see its wooden muscles . The houses nearby look even more painted now , the blues and yellows are deeper and brighter . They are really trying . Once the men in the orange suits have finished disconnecting the wood there will be nothing left . Who builds a house knowing that it will be eaten ? Perhaps an empty lot would be even sadder , but still I do not feel like being around to see other men in jumpsuits come and build another . And us ? Who will eat what we leave behind of ourselves ? There is too little of it anywhere and too much of it altogether . We die when we get tired of making things to throw away . We are our own beetles . The gas masks don 't really work . It was in the Café Costa that we settled in for the night . From the beach below , the balcony seemed inviting in its warm , diffused light and the gentle throb of dance music and people talking . Inside only the tables overlooking the sea and street were taken , and I smiled at how well this arrangement worked for the place . Michael and I sat down and ordered a round of beers . The cool breeze blowing in from the sea was drying the sweat and everything else from my face and I began to feel better . Michael laughed while looking at the floor , ' Well , looks like all of that 's over now ' . We were both looking outside at the noise of the waves , and he glanced quickly at me - he had tried to start the conversation on the way to the café but had failed . I nodded while I took a drink of beer , and decided that I wanted to talk about it : ' You can 't do it the way I did and have it not end . I 'm surprised she hasn 't taken a bus back home yet . ' He dismissed the notion with whatever fingers he could manage to raise while drinking out of the beer bottle . ' Looks to me , you both just took it way beyond where it was supposed to stay . So you met one night in a hostel bar and talked about books because you were lonely . It doesn 't mean you had to get along outside the whole Europe backpacking deal . I just think … ' I looked at his mouth , feeling very tired and hoping it would show and then he stopped . I had given him advice like this many times before and we both knew what we were going to say - the look was not necessary and I felt half sorry . It was a useful thing to talk it over with Michael sometimes but I was annoyed at having done so poorly in things I had seen before , heard before . It was impossible to learn anything by oneself . I had dragged it on with this girl until the whole of it was dry and it was sour for me and painful for her . It was very displeasing as when staring at an unfinished meal when full , the waste and contempt festering . ' Anyways . Just don 't take it so seriously . This sort of thing happens to everyone else once every two months - they drink and cry it out to acoustic guitars and then it 's gone with the morning 's hangover . You didn 't get married . She didn 't get pregnant for god 's sake . ' Another dismissal . ' Like I said : No one died . If you take it easy she will too and you might even have a friend for a little while . I 'm going to go to the bathroom , and then we 're ordering some more beers . ' Michael had a child 's face in that he had round cheek bones , well spread apart from a wide nose . He was a tall young man and gave the impression of health and capability when he walked - I thought it had something to do with his shoulders and chest . He would be very polite and the more he knew you the less you noticed this politeness and it would surprise you when with other people as he calibrated himself to them . As I downed the last of a beer I felt the warmness in my cheeks and some comfort in the bluntness of feeling . I remembered the night before , when we had been walking along the main avenue skirting the beach . I suppose you could call it the night , as it was very dark , but it must have been 4 or 5 in the morning . I was walking with Catherine and Michael and we noticed a man in a suit lying down on the street , right next to the sidewalk . We were quiet for a little and then Catherine said we should get a closer look in that wonderful English tinged with Scandinavian . He had passed out from drinking and probably rolled from the sidewalk onto the street . I thought that maybe he was a clerk at a department store for his cheap navy blue suit , all wide lapels and large golden buttons . I made a joke to Catherine about the guy being well - shaven and having drunk whatever after - shave lotion he had left . Michael was trying to wake him up , first by giving gentle little tugs of his coat and then by tapping a cheek . Catherine and I sat down on a bench a few feet away . I felt the last few hours on me as I sat and watched Michael hail a cab and struggle to get the clerk in , despite the cab driver 's protests . Catherine walked over to try and help get the clerk 's home address , and I could see her steps outlined in the cobblestones , and I could see them going all the way back to Paris . Eventually Michael took the clerk 's wallet and gave the driver a big bill and an address taken from an ID . I watched him walk to the sea to wipe the vomit from his hands . People below us at the café walked the wide cobbled street and their clothes were blown back by the wind running across the beachfront . It was a weekday during an off season and most of the walkers were young couples , and you could see from the way they were dressed more or less where they came from . I had been in this town before with a cruise and then the lights were much brighter and the sidewalks were crowded with Americans and Europeans . I saw Michael come out of the bathroom with his mouth turned into a whistle , although the music was very anonymous and loud . He asked if I wanted another drink with his hands and went off to the bar to get it . Our waiter did not notice him but the empty bottles on our table and came over . He saw I was still with a beer and asked where I was from with a smile that I believed . When travelling I was always very unsure of conversations with people who stood to gain from sympathy and made myself uncomfortable , but the waiter had huge bags under his eyes and that somehow made him human . We had been looking around for some good beaches since we had gotten there . We tried the town 's beach and it had been soiled with plastic bags and cigarette butts , and we tried the beaches over at the big hotels and there had been no other people our age . I was happy I remembered this and asked the waiter , who was chuckling over a line on foreign girls . ' You should 've asked the first time you were here ! You would have avoided these beaches - the hotel ones are good but only during spring break . You should try Bahìa Cerrada where the surfers go . There aren 't many rocks and there are always people . ' Michael came back and stood before the table holding two tall glasses of whisky soda . The waiter soon finished giving me directions and left . I was very thankful for his leaving on time , and a little embarrassed that Michael had circumvented him with the whisky . Later that night I saw the waiter dancing with a foreign woman and laughed as if I had known him for a long time . Michael and I discussed the little disagreements between everyone who was travelling with us and they seemed to be very pertinent and longstanding like all things do in close quarters . Eventually we had drawn a full circle and had returned to Catherine , and I began talking about the way she labeled things with easy names that didn 't mean anything and how she would cry and sulk to get her way with people . I felt the angry flush in my cheeks of not forgiving her for the disappointment . The coolness of the ocean outside disappeared until I saw myself , aged twenty five , on vacation , drunk and talking and stopped in the middle of a sentence . I told the waiter to hold our table and drinks and I hurried down the steep flight of stairs down to the street . I nearly tripped on my own foot and stood for a long while gripping the handrail very tightly . I remembered the crowd and walked out to the ample sidewalk overlooking the beach . There were about twenty people staring and talking softly , looking down on something between the sea and the cobblestone . Michael towered above most of them as he made his way to the front . I followed . There on the small strip of beach was a large tortoise burrowing in the sand . It had swum out to shore to lay its eggs and had landed unnoticed in front of the boulevard and its clubs and cafés , cars and people . As I stood in the gap in the crowd that Michael had made the tortoise writhed mechanically , making an outline the size of a car tire on the ground . It had black eyes with spots of yellow from the café lights above , and it opened and closed its beak saying the same thing over and over , very silently . ' Do you think she sees all of us staring ? It must seem very strange to her ' I said . Michael 's face was glowing a little with the moon light , and he had lost all expression . He had been staring very quietly at the tortoise so that the other people seemed loud and not understanding . It was a very beautiful face . ' She might . But maybe she doesn 't care too much or can 't . I think she 's just doing what is in her and anything that isn 't in her programming doesn 't even exist . She doesn 't know any better and she shouldn 't have to . ' We stood for a few more minutes there and asked a police officer what was to be done . He told me that it wasn 't that strange an occurrence , that they would wait till the tortoise had laid its eggs to send it back to the sea and the eggs to a hatchery . I took a last look at the creature , now sitting very still , and the creases of skin under her shell bending with each breath . We left the thinning crowd and quickly walked back up the stairs to our table and drinks . I thought about the tortoise coming from the farthest place on earth , all the time in her where she was going . She 'd landed in the wrong place and had not minded it because she knew that was what it was in her to do . It had been instinct and her eyes told the conscience and acquiescence to this instinct and that was that , never good or bad but just always there . She 'd be put back into the cobalt ocean and would never think again about what she had done . The fullness of her action was definitive - it had been only present , never a shimmer of future or a stale past . Michael walked over to the table and gave me a slap in the shoulder . Apparently the blonde had a friend and we 'd been invited to their table for a drink . I downed the last of my glass as I stood up and glanced out the balcony into the beach . The crowd had disappeared and the sidewalk was empty with the streetlights and the waves , pounding onto the shore with a senseless rhythm that did not need your attention or anything else .
|
I haven 't gone running over to the hospital today . I 'm not going to reward this behavior . I spoke to Daughter briefly this morning , and she just called . She 's sounding very chipper today . She got what she wanted : into the hospital and lots of attention . That attention is not going to come from me . Once she is transferred to the psych unit , I will go over and see her and take her clothes . It will not be a long visit . . I talked to Therapist , who agrees with my plans . She was surprised , as she had specifically asked Daughter about voices and hurting herself on Tuesday , and Daughter had been very convincing in her assurances . We 're thinking we 're looking at Borderline Personality Disorder now . Birth mom had it . . My life has become so much more complicated . I 'm going to need to lock all insulin and medication up . She lies with such ease , and so convincingly . For now , though , I need to focus on one day at a time . Tomorrow I have worship and I 'll meet with the family about the funeral on Tuesday . The youth group is doing the Lenten supper on Wednesday , so I 'm going to need to get to City and buy the lasagna and garlic bread . Hopefully Dad will hang in there another week . Posted by Sister called this morning . She 'd had a call from the live - in . Dad isn 't feeling well and one hand isn 't working . His speech is clear . Brother was headed to the apartment and Sister had a call in to the doctor . I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself as I considered the logistics of having Dad and Daughter hospitalized in different states . . Then I began to think about the man who died yesterday evening . He died of a genetic disorder , and his son is currently very ill with the same condition . He also has a daughter with the disease . There have been times when he was in ICU in one city and his son was in ICU in another . His poor wife has been coping with this stress for almost a year . Their pastor left , so she has been doing it without the support of a pastor . When I asked how her son was last night , she burst into tears . His condition is deteriorating . Today she is making funeral arrangements and buying cemetery plots . . The dead man 's father has been in a nursing home , knowing his son and grandson were critically ill , and getting only sporadic updates . His father has been laying there , wondering why he is still alive ( when he doesn 't want to be ) and his son and grandson are dying . . I 'm not going to complain . Posted by I packed up my computer and went to town for lunch at Taco Bell today . I finished my sermon ( early for me ) , and then headed over to the nursing home . When I stopped in to see to of our men , DJ was sleeping . I sat down to speak to L , who told me that DJ had received bad news about his son that day . His son was not doing well following brain surgery . . I went over and talked to DJ , and I expressed my concern for him and his son . As we were talking , my cell phone rang . It was Daughter . Her blood sugar was low , and I was going to have to come get her . I told her I 'd be there as soon as I finished at the nursing home . I started to pray with DJ , and the phone rang again . It was Sister , so I ignored the call . As I headed to visit the married couple we have there , I called Sister . She was at the doctor 's office with Dad . He 's dehydrated and his potassium is sky high . The doctor told her that the good news is that the pacemaker will keep his heart from stopping . Since he has a live - in , he decided not to admit him to the hospital . . I picked up Daughter , who was continuing to drop , even after much treatment . I asked her if she had taken extra insulin . She told me she hadn 't . I told her I wanted to believe her . I asked to see her insulin pen . She started it Tuesday night , and she should have used about 50 units since then . Over 150 units were gone . She finally admitted she had taken a massive amount of insulin at 12 : 50 . I called the diabetes doctor , and then the psychiatrist 's office . I ended up taking her over to Big City to be admitted . She 's in the medical hospital tonight , and tomorrow will be transferred ( I hope ) to the psych hospital . They gave her sugar by IV . Even with that she wasn 't going high . She told me she did it because she was stressed , and she wanted to die . I told her all she had done was create more stress . . When we got her up to her room , they had someone to sit with her tonight so she doesn 't try anything else . Unfortunately , the sitter is a young black man . I explained her PTSD , and told him that if she Posted by Daughter came into the den shortly after she had gone to bed last night , sobbing . " I need help . " . " What 's wrong ? " . " It 's the voices , they 're back . " . " What are they saying ? " . " They 're not saying anything . They 're showing me terrible pictures of the whole family dying . " . I gently explained that when you have one family member who is dying , it naturally raises fears that other family members may die , too . I talked about how sometimes when I 'm dealing with lots of people in the hospital , I will come home afraid there will be a message that one of our family members is in the hospital . She wants this to be over . I told her everyday that Granddad is still with us is a gift , but to her , it feels like a stress , as she waits for the inevitable . I explained that this could go on for weeks or months . . She told me we should be up there with him . I pointed out that when we 're there , she wants to be home in her routine . I told her that is also natural , no matter where we are right now , we feel like we should be someplace else . . I 've walked with so many families through this over the years . I 've explained these dynamics to so many people . It 's different , though , when it 's my own family , and it 's my daughter and father who are suffering . I remember a woman who was dying of cancer . Her daughters took turns coming to stay with her . The last week of her life was long and painful . I remember them asking me why she didn 't die . What was she waiting for ? I shared their frustration , and told them we can 't predict life and death , and God 's time is not our time . A friend who had been out of town came to visit her . The woman tried to respond to her friend 's voice after several days of being unresponsive . Her friend left her with the words , " Good bye , R , you 've been a good friend . " The woman was dead shortly after her friend left . . Mom was discharged yesterday . I 've wondered if maybe Dad was wanting to see her one more time . I don 't know . He goes to the doctor today . He told Sister he 'd lost 2 lbs . Sister said he 's also more confused , and is frPosted by Today has been a gray , foggy day . Schools were closed because of the fog . The fog is reflective of my mood . Last night as I stood up to give the announcements at the Ash Wednesday service , I said , " Someone told me I need to announce something tonight , and I said I would . I don 't remember what it was . Does anyone here know ? " . Daughter had decided to stay home today even before the workshop closed due to the fog . Midway through her morning sitting in the church office , she announced she would be going to the workshop tomorrow . She helped get the newsletter out today , which was good . It really should have been out last week , but I was preoccupied with other things , and besides , I was supposed to be on vacation . . Mom is being discharged from the hospital today . Sister was freaking out a bit about it , concerned that everything be in place and the memory care unit have all the information they need to take care of her . Dad 's live - in will take him over to see her this evening . Things are going well with the live - in . Sister says she 's never seen the apartment that clean . . I 'm finding that the stress and grief is impacting me in two ways : I 'm tired , and I 'm not as patient as I normally am . Daughter , of course , is more demanding , which is not a good mix . I reached into a cupboard to get something out when I was fixing supper , and discovered that once again she had been putting the plastic containers away by opening the door and throwing them in . I suggested that it would be easier to fix it now than when it became an even bigger mess . So she did , quite dramatically . There were lots of sighs and she threw things out and made sure she was in my way . It took all my self control to ignore the display . . On a more positive note , Sunday 's service is coming together nicely . This is going to be another powerful Lenten season for me . I will be considering all the Lenten themes in the light of my parents ' failing health . I 'm sure there are times it will be painful , but growth usually is . I look forward to seeing what God has in storeReverend Mom Daughter is struggling with all that is going on in the family . Her blood sugars have been high for the past couple of days . She started out high this morning , in part because she was up eating through the night . She stayed home today to help with the senior luncheon . She was dragging most of the day . . At the Ash Wednesday service this evening , she was to lead a responsive prayer . She couldn 't get through it . When I went up to help her , she was shaking all over . I put my arm around her and finished the prayer for her . She sat down and checked her blood sugar . I saw her write the number in her book , and then she disappeared into the restroom . I assumed her blood sugar wasn 't low , as she didn 't immediately grab a snack . . As soon as the service was over , I followed her into the restroom . She was sitting there sobbing . She says the voices are back and she can 't sleep . I know she 's stressed . I understand the feeling . I 'm continuously tired . She wants to stay home with me the rest of the week . I don 't think that 's the best option for her , but I told her we 'd talk about it tomorrow . . I spent part of this morning on the phone trying to figure out how we 'll get Dad to his doctor 's appointment on Friday . Sister was going to ask Sister - in - law if she could do it . I haven 't heard how that went . When I talked to Dad today , he sounded a bit better . As I regularly tell my people , none of us can predict life and death , and every so often God has to remind me of that . Dad 's ups and downs are certainly serving as a reminder of that reality . Posted by This is the first picture I 've posted that has the possibility of revealing identity . It was the one part of the wedding festivities that made me cry : the mother - son dance . Brother is the youngest , and the only son . Mom was clinging to him , even after the music stopped . They danced to Red River Valley because Brother remembers Mom singing that song a lot . He decided it was preferable to " the worms crawl in , the worms crawl out . . . " which was another of her favorites . Daughter is frustrated because she doesn 't think the rest of us are upset enough about Dad 's declining health and Mom 's hospitalization . We went out for supper tonight because we were in town for an appointment and errands . I explained to her that we are sad about those things , but we are choosing to focus on the positive . Sister said Mom was the clearest and most alert she 's seen her in about a year today . We are chuckling , because yesterday evening Sister - in - law was with her at supper time , and told her she couldn 't eat her chocolate dessert until she 'd eaten the rest of the meal . Mom told her to go to hell . We 're celebrating because Dad agreed to have live - in help , which means that we know he 's safe . We 're pleased that he was able to enjoy time with his niece and nephew this past weekend . I 'm delighted that I got to know my niece and nephew a bit better . Nephew is going to be the opening illustration in Sunday 's sermon . He burst into the apartment holding his forehead and in pain yesterday , and with Far Away Sister rushed to the sink . He reappeared with wet hair and a look of relief . He had been holding a wet wrapper from Big Red gum to his forehead , which apparently causes pain . He did it not once , but twice , and as a result was in pain . I 'm grieving as my father 's life slips away . But that 's not the focus of my life right now . There are good things going on , and I can see God at work in my life . In the midst of the stress , I will celebrate God 's presence and rejoice in the little things . Posted by So I headed over to the office this morning to face a mountain of mail and begin to dig into the various other items that needed attention . This is a busy time in the office , with Lent beginning tomorrow . We also need to get a newsletter out by Sunday , and we have the senior luncheon tomorrow . . Mom 's EEG showed seizure activity , so they started her on depakote . Dad is sounding congested and down today . I think he will slowly slip away now . . On the home front , Daughter is have blood sugars well over 300 . I suspect that her insulin was subjected to one too many temperature extremes during our travels . We 'll start her on fresh insulin tonight . The doctor wanted to know if her blood sugar was over 300 , so the workshop will be calling him . We see him on Monday . I need to call and get new orders for Daughter 's lab work . Somewhere in the midst of all the craziness in our lives , I have misplaced the orders he gave us in December . . I 'm still tired , but it 's good to be back home and back into the routine . It 's good to be busy with church work instead of trying to juggle Dad 's and Daughter 's needs full time . Those needs are still out there , but I am getting a welcome break as I shift my focus to other things . Posted by We are home . We were much later getting away than I had planned , and I decided not to take the time to stop by the hospital and see Mom . I knew she was having lots of company today , so I decided we 'd just head home . It was hard leaving Dad in the care of a stranger . I kept thinking of things I needed to tell her , things she had to know in order to care for Dad properly . . Dad was definitely weaker last night and today . I think yesterday wore him out , but I also think he has seen the people he wants to see , so he doesn 't have any thing to look forward to . He wasn 't interested in any of the movies that normally interest him . He was also showing more confusion yesterday evening and today . He asked my sister where Mom was . . Daughter is exhausted . She slept most of the way home in the car . I must admit to being tired , as well . I ordered a diet Pepsi when we drove through for supper . Normally I don 't drink caffeine after 1 : 00 , but I knew I needed it if I was going to stay awake for the rest of our journey , especially with Daughter snoozing beside me . It will be good to sleep in my own bed in my cool house tonight . . I 'm looking forward to getting busy in the office tomorrow . I expect that Mom will be home tomorrow or Wednesday . I 'll be very surprised if they find anything . I suspect it will always be a mystery what led to the seizure . If she continues to have seizures , we 'll have to decide if we want to medicate her or not . . For tonight , I 'm not going to think of all the things I 'm going to have to do this week . I 'm going to go upstairs , turn on the TV , get in the recliner , and relax , hopefully with a cat or two on my lap . Posted by Daughter is doing amazingly well amid all the chaos and uncertainty . She 's had a few bouts of tears , but has come to me for comfort and gone on . At the wedding reception , we were seated at different tables . She walked by me with her plate of food so I could count carbs and tell her how much insulin to take . She brought me a piece of cake ( and herself one , as well ) , and I didn 't see her again until after 11 : 00 when she came up to bed . She spent most of the night dancing . She was I was given the honor of leaving the reception early to go up and stay with 4 year old niece . . She will be helpful today as we get ready to leave . Yesterday she did something for Dad , and he said , " Thank you . What would I do without you ? " She said , " That 's why we need to move closer to you Granddad . " . Once Dad finally moved out of his recliner and into bed ( after midnight ) , he slept through the night . He 's in the kitchen now , sleeping in his chair . His confusion is increasing . I suspect it 's from the diminished oxygen flow with his congestive heart failure . He 's asked about Mom several times . She did well last night and is down for tests this morning . They gave her a busy board to keep her occupied , and the nurse told Sister she thought she 'd have to pry it out of her hands . We 'll take her baby doll to her today and Far Away Sister will deliver the book to her . ( If you follow the link , the book is mentioned in the last paragraph ) . Brother is at the hospital now , and will be arranging for volunteers to stay with her through the day so they don 't have to restrain her . Mom is down for testing . Hopefully they will be able to complete the testing quickly and get her back over to the cottage . . None of us are moving very quickly this morning . I need to get dressed and get moving , and hopefully that will get daughter moving , as well . Posted by Well , when I wrote my last post the plan was I would stay here a few more days . I 've now decided I will head home tomorrow , as planned . Mom is okay for now . I know I 'm going to have to come back at some point , and I need to go home and work while I can . Lent starts Wednesday , and that is always a busy time . I 'm excited by plans we 've made , and want to be there for that . . I also need to get Daughter back into her routine . Dad is having a rough night . He 's having leg cramps , and is a little confused . He hasn 't gone to bed , but is sitting forward in his recliner . I told him he needed to either get into bed or sit back in the chair before he fell and hurt himself . He 's sitting forward , head on his hand , sleeping and moaning . Poor Daughter . She 's right behind him on the couch , and I 'm sure his moans are disturbing to her . I put a heating pad on his cramping muscles , but it fell off when he sat up . . I 've tried bribing him with the promise of a reheated heating pad ( it 's one that heats up in the microwave , but so far that isn 't working . ) I 'm glad we have live in help for him beginning tomorrow . Posted by Dad skipped the wedding festivities , but Mom went and enjoyed them all . She recognized old friends and was excited to see them This morning Sister , Niece , Mom , Daughter , and I woke up in our adjoining motel rooms . Mom was all smiles . The plan was that we would pick up Dad and meet his nephew for brunch . We kept trying to call Dad , but his home phone was busy and he wasn 't picking up on his cell phone . Far Away Sister and I both headed to the apartment while Sister headed to the brunch with Mom and Niece . We were somewhat concerned about why Dad wasn 't picking up the phone , and hoped nothing had happened . As I was approaching the apartment , Sister called . " Mom just had a grand mal seizure in my car . I 'm on my way to the hospital with her and the medics will meet me at the door . " They lifted our unconscious mother onto a stretcher and rolled her into the ER . Far Away Sister and I conferred in Dad 's kitchen , and decided that I would take Dad to the brunch , and they would head to the ER . She planned to relieve Sister and send her onto the brunch with her family . We called the restaurant and asked them to explain to cousins what was going on and tell them we 'd be there . Mom is now alert and frustrated . She doesn 't like staying on the stretcher or the oxygen . Dad enjoyed the brunch and we stopped by the hospital so he could see Mom . He 's exhausted now , of course . They are admitting Mom for testing . Her CT scan didn 't show any obvious problems . I 'm staying for a few more days . Amazing , Dad is doing much better . He 's gone from falling asleep mid - sentence to staying awake for hours at a time . We suspect he was dehydrated ( which doesn 't make much sense since he 's still retaining about 40 lbs of fluid ) and that he 's improved because the doctor reduced the diuretic . We were expecting health crisis from him , and he 's improving . We certainly weren 't expecting any problems from Mom . The joys of aging parents . . . . The private duty homemaker started today . The nurse supervisor came as well . We left and the nurse talked to Dad . Sister and I were amazed - - Dad agreed to a live in caregiver starting on Monday , and has said he doesn 't want to go to any part of the wedding - - rehearsal , rehearsal dinner , wedding or reception . I was really surprised by that . He 'd like to try for the brunch on Sunday , but may not make that . . I know Brother is disappointed , but Dad is just so weak right now that he 'd have a difficult time managing any of it . I am very relieved he agreed to live in help . I was really concerned about leaving on Monday and him being here alone . Of course , there 's no guarantee he 'll even make it to Monday . Sister thought he perked up after he made the decisions . We think this has been weighing heavily on him . Far Away Sister and her family are headed back in this direction . She needs to gather more paper work and get the information she needs to do his taxes . Last year I did them , and I am very glad I won 't have to deal with them this year . She met with his investment counselor today , and he 's no longer carrying a huge amount in his bank accounts , which is good . . I 'm sorry he won 't be able to be at the wedding . I hope Brother at least comes to see him before he dies . I fear Brother is really going to struggle with guilt following Dad 's death . We have warned him , but we can 't force him to attend to Dad . Far Away Sister offered to call him and hang up on him again - - that 's what got him to get a wheelchair for Dad and come see him this week . Posted by So last night , for the first time , I wasn 't awakened by Dad coming out to the kitchen in the middle of the night . I awoke at about 4 : 30 because I was thirsty , and realized that I hadn 't heard him all night . I drank some water from the water bottle I keep next to me at night , and tried to go back to sleep . I closed my eyes and pondered the possibility Dad had died in his sleep . I finally got up and went to the bathroom and checked to make sure he was still breathing . He was . But I was done sleeping for the night . The rehearsal dinner is at a Chinese restaurant , and all their food is high in sodium . Dad is supposed to pick something from a restaurant across the street , and Brother will pick it up for him . I read him the menu last night , but nothing sounded good to him . This morning he asked me if he had picked anything out yet . I 'm going to have to go over the menu with him again . He got up at 5 : 00 , and has been demanding lots of attention this morning . I have lots to do today , and am already feeling tired . Maybe I can go back to sleep for a few minutes , at least . Posted by As a kid , I had goldfish . I remember watching them , and how they were constantly opening and closing their mouths . I was reminded of that yesterday evening as I watched Dad , who was constantly opening and closing his mouth . He still has all of his own teeth , and they were clicking each time he closed his mouth . He got up a little after 3 : 00 , and I could hear him sitting in the kitchen opening and closing his mouth . He was up about 2 hours , which made for a very short night for me . He has slept most of the day . The occupational therapist got him to walk to the bathroom . The physical therapist did well to get him to the door of the apartment and back to his chair . He is very weak . His appetite has gotten really bad , too . He can fall asleep in the middle of a sentence . Far Away Sister and her family arrived today . Dad was pleased to see them , and Mom clung to Far Away Sister and sobbed . She kept pointing to Niece and Nephew , who have grown tremendously since we saw them . I met with Brother and Future Sister - in - law to finalize plans for the wedding . We 're supposed to get 5 - 8 " of snow on Saturday , which should make the wedding even more fun . I really don 't know if Dad will be here for the wedding . Posted by Until a couple of weeks ago , I didn 't have text messaging on my cell . Then I got a call that I was going to have a huge bill because of all the texting when Dad was last in the hospital . They suggested I sign up for text messaging and they 'd make it retroactive to cover all those texts . So tonight my teenage niece and nephew ( Far Away Sister 's 2 kids ) started texting me about Dad and this weekend . This text messaging rookie was carrying on 2 conversations at once . . We were plotting our escape from the wedding reception ( how sad is it that Niece and Nephew are not looking forward to their uncle 's wedding ? ) . We were considering what games to bring for entertainment . Far Away Sister ( who was driving , and therefore not texting ) suggested we move the place cards around on the out - law family tables . I suggested she was devious , Nephew agreed . It was just fun . I needed fun . I thanked them for teaching a rookie how to text . . Dad finally woke up after sleeping for over 3 hours . He came out to his recliner and fell back to sleep . He woke up occasionally , but slept most of the time . When he was awake he tried to tell me that he was feeling great , just tired . He thinks anyone would have been tired after getting his hair cut , visiting his wife , picking up his tux , and eating lunch , using a wheelchair for most of the movement . Tonight he told me he 's looking forward to getting his own wheelchair and the aide coming to help him shower tomorrow . A month ago he insisted he didn 't need help with his showers and wouldn 't have considered getting a wheelchair . . So the text conversations with Niece and Nephew were a wonderful escape . I 'm grateful . It will be great to see them tomorrow . Posted by After my second night in the recliner , I find myself pondering again my Dad 's health . He is very alert and with it mentally , and very weak physically . He won 't go out without a wheelchair . He 's taking a nap after doing just about anything . He eats breakfast and takes a nap . He sits at the table helping me sort through mail and then needs a nap . Yesterday afternoon I had him out for a couple of hours . I took him to the doctor , then he waited in the car while I got groceries and prescriptions and we stopped by to see Mom . She was very pleased to see him . . It took over an hour for me to wake him up ( he was sleeping sitting up in his desk chair ) and convince him to go to bed . My sisters are convinced he helped me with mail because he 's putting his affairs in order before he dies . They are more pessimistic , I 'm slightly more optimistic . Brother is just avoiding the whole situation , and I 'm the only sister who is still speaking to him . Far Away Sister actually hung up on him yesterday . Because they were on cell phones , it lost some of its impact . He thought the call might have been dropped . He sent her a series of text messages justifying himself , and she wasn 't in any hurry to respond or even acknowledge them . . Sister has a college friend visiting from Europe and various other things going on in her personal life that make her less available to help . Brother is still trying to figure out seating arrangements for the reception . It 's a real challenge as his family is so unreasonable that we want to sit together . I guess it 's easier to separate the bride 's feuding family than to put his loving family together . Of course , two of his sisters are not speaking to him at the moment , so I guess maybe we can become a feuding family at some point . I 'm still speaking to him , so the other sisters are demanding updates from me . . I 've arranged in home care 3 days a week for 3 hours a day for Dad . He even signed the check to pay for the first month . That will start on Friday . I think he 's somewhat depressed , but that 's not too surPosted by We 're now in Dad 's apartment . Dad has gone to bed , Daughter has gone to Sister 's , and I 'm alone with Dad 's new flat screen TV . He 's in a little bit better shape than I anticipated , but he 's definitely weak . He wanted a wheel chair to get from his room to the car , and a wheel chair to get to his apartment . The Sisters have been amused today by the bridal couple 's attempts to figure out seating for the wedding reception . They are making it very complicated . All of the suggestions we have offered are rejected , of course . Future Sister - in - law has been consulting with 15 year old Niece about the situation . We think FS is intimidated by the Sisters . Of course , her mother is my age . We don 't think she 's comfortable with having a sister her mother 's age . What FS doesn 't realize is that Niece is aware of everything that is going on the whole time she is playing innocent in her text message conversation with FS . I have to say , Far Away Sister is doing a wonderful job of training her daughter . I 've been entertaining Dad with stories of some of the goings on . We 've decided the best way to survive this weekend is to find the humor in the whole situation . Tomorrow will be a busy day for Dad . We 'll see how he tolerates it . Today I think he may live to see the wedding . We 'll see what his doctor says tomorrow . Posted by When we were at Dad 's last time his TV in the living room stopped working . I tried what I knew , but it wouldn 't work . Since the TV Daughter watches in the bedroom was still working and I was busy gathering various papers , I didn 't worry about it too much . We knew , though , that we needed to have it fixed or a new one in place for Dad when he got home . Yesterday Brother finally went over to check on the TV . He had informed me ( and Sister , who also tried to get it to work ) that the TV was fine and we just didn 't know how to turn it on . He told us Dad had this problem all the time , and it was just that he had it on the wrong channel and thus the cable didn 't work . He finally went over yesterday to fix what I had obviously screwed up while I was there last time . So he calls me . " Dad 's TV is dead . " Yes , I said I told you so . He proceeded to defend himself and his belief that I didn 't know how to turn it on properly . Yes , he actually told me the problem was that I wasn 't turning it on the correct way . So now we 're scrambling , trying to figure out where and how to get him a good buy on a flat screen TV . Hopefully we 'll have something for him by this evening . Daughter and I will be heading out as soon as I get dressed and packed . The biggest challenge will be getting Cat into his crate before he figures out what 's happening and goes into hiding . Kitten is too curious to hide . She 's object , of course , but will be too interested in why Cat is complaining to be difficult to catch . Posted by The sisters are convinced that Dad is dying . He was confused when Far Away Sister called this morning . While Sister thought he was in good spirits when she talked to him , she also thought it sounded like his chest is congested . Brother is ignoring Dad . The sisters don 't like that . Far Away Sister called and left him a voice mail this morning . He didn 't return her call . We want to make sure he is aware of what is going on . We don 't want him to come back later and blame us because he was too tied up in the wedding preparations to notice and we should have told him . I wrote him an email from the sisters explaining what we saw and telling him we were taking care of everything , but that he needed to be aware of what was going on and suggesting he call Dad daily . I don 't think he 's going to respond to that one , either . He may be avoiding pain right now by not facing this , but in the future I fear he will be overwhelmed by guilt and pain . Dad is bothered that his only son is ignoring him . He 's made a number of comments about Brother rejecting our family . I feel bad for Dad , that he has this emotional pain in his life as he faces his death . I 'm not sure I 'll feel as sorry for Brother when he has to face his guilt in the future . At least I hope he 'll wake up enough some day to face what he is doing right now . I hope he is capable of feeling guilt . I have provided pastoral care to too many families after a death to not be aware of all the potential issues . It 's different , though , when it 's my own family . Posted by Daughter came home with a note from the workshop yesterday . She had been treated for a sore ankle . I looked at her ankle and probed it . She never gave any indication of pain , and she isn 't limping . Her ankle is fine . Her heart is hurting . She knows Granddad is dying . She can 't express those feelings verbally at the workshop , so she complains of a sore ankle . It gets her attention and sympathy , without the risk of her sadness giving way to tears . She hasn 't complained of her to me . She knows that I share her heart pain and understand it . She knows that I will give her a hug and listen to her fears . She also knows that I won 't buy the ankle pain , I 'll make her face the heart pain . I cooked breakfast today . I made French toast . Every Saturday Dad got up and made us a big breakfast . We never knew what it would be , but we knew that when it was almost ready he 'd go through the house taunting us . " There 's nothing I hate more than to fix breakfast and have nobody here to eat it . " " If I 'm up , everyone should be up ! " We 'd drag ourselves out of bed and feast on pancakes , or waffles , or scrambled eggs with the works , sausage gravy and biscuits , chipped beef on cornbread , or who knows what else . It was the one morning a week that we set aside the cereal for a big breakfast . We will celebrate Dad 's life when we eat on breakfast on Saturday morning . I 'm going to have to make some sausage gravy when we get back home after the wedding . That was Daughter 's favorite , and Dad always made it for her when we came to visit . It was very unhealthy , and it totally messed up her blood sugar , and we didn 't care . It was Granddad 's way of telling Daughter he loved her . Posted by Brother made the mistake of telling Sister not to get anything black for Mom to wear to his wedding . He informed her that black was the color of mourning and thus for funerals , not weddings . He should know better than to try to instruct his most fashion conscious Sister . Not only did Brother tell Sister that black was inappropriate for weddings , he also did some other things that caused him to fall from favor with the sisters . He should know better than to mess with us . He really should . After all , he has 39 years experience with his sisters . All three of us have purchased black dresses for the wedding . Even Daughter has a black dress . At first it wasn 't intentional , but when I realized I was the only one who wasn 't wearing black , I went out tonight and purchased a black dress . Far Away Sister said that years from now we 'll look at pictures of us in black and won 't know if they are from Dad 's memorial service or Brother 's wedding . We expect the two will be very close together . We might wear different dresses for the memorial service . It depends on how hard Brother works at getting back into our good graces . Posted by Dad continues to decline . Today he didn 't go down to physical therapy . We 're now wondering if he will live until Far Away Sister and her family arrive on Thursday . But enough of the grim stuff . Last Sunday Daughter gave me a letter she had written for my birthday . I 'm going to correct her spelling errors and share with you what she wrote . I 'm not going to correct her grammar . Oh , and just because I 've moved away from the grim stuff doesn 't mean this won 't make you cry ! My story of how she came to live with me can be found here . Dear Mama Bear , When I came home from the hospital of being born I was glad to get home . As soon as I got home everything went wrong . So I wonder if there was an angel , it would send someone to come and save me . When you came to my house , I was scared at first because I did not know you right then . You took me in because I was fragile and a child of God . I had been your foster child for a long time . When April 17 , 1985 came , I end up getting adopted by someone that was sent to me from God . You had taught me so much that I am grateful . I am glad that you had save me from harm 's way . You had given me a family that knew the meaning of love , care , happiness , knowledge , hope , faith , forgiveness , courage , and believing . I can keep going living in faith and living my life the way it should be lived . I love you mom and I could not have ask for a better mom than you . When I am down , you help me up and you comfort me . When I am scared , you know what to say at the right time . I love you so much mom that I do not want bad things to happen to you because we work together as a good team . Love Always , Daughter Far Away Sister and I have both decided that we need to take appropriate clothes for a funeral when we pack for Brother 's wedding on the 21st . Dad was in to see the doctor today . Even with the increase in diuretic he has gained 2 pounds . We don 't think that is a good sign . The doctor added another drug to boost the diuretic , and wants to see him again on Tuesday . I 'll get to take him to that appointment . Far Away Sister thinks Dad will be alive when she arrives in a week , but has decided they will go straight to Dad 's apartment from the airport . I think she 's right , because he 's going to want to see her two kids . We aren 't sure he 'll live to see the wedding . It 's going to be hard on Brother , for a variety of reasons . Daughter is also struggling big time right now . I find that I 'm on edge , and not as patient as I normally am . When I opened the phone bills for the church and the parsonage on Tuesday , I discovered that each one had a $ 30 charge on it for an internet service we hadn 't authorized . It was provided by a separate company , so I called , and they quickly agreed to block the service and issue a credit , but said it could take 30 - 90 days for the credit to appear . I was given a confirmation number , and told we 'd need to talk to the phone company and give them the confirmation number if we didn 't want to pay the bill . I carefully wrote all this down and called the treasurer and left her a message . So today the financial secretary comes storming into the office with the bills and my note in hand and demands to know who authorized these additional services . Secretary and I both assured her that no one had authorized them . She then went out and made lots of phone calls and called me back . She told me that they had a recording of someone authorizing the services . I again assured her that when we get those calls , I say , " We don 't want any changes to our phone service , " and hang up . I don 't like being accused , and don 't appreciate having to explain something twice after I 've already explained it in a long note . NormalReverend Mom So today I picked up Daughter and took her to see Therapist . I briefed Therapist , and then we brought Daughter in . She wanted me to stay . We talked about about J and the situation at the workshop . She seemed to think all of that was resolved to her satisfaction . She wasn 't able to give a reason for her repeated phone calls to me during the day . So , I made a suggestion . I suggested the real issue was her fear about Granddad 's death , and it was just easier to say she was afraid because of J or whatever else that to talk about her fears regarding Granddad . She grinned , and and announced that I had caught her red handed . We were able to talk about how unfair it was that she was telling J she was afraid of him when that wasn 't the case . We also talked about the only family death she has experienced , that of my Grandmother about 10 years ago . I think she 's in a better place right now . At least I hope she is . She didn 't call me after I dropped her back off at the workshop this afternoon . That is progress , as she 's been calling quite frequently the last several days . I 'm trying to get things ready so that things will be covered if I have to leave suddenly for Dad 's funeral . I hate being away from my congregation during Lent , which begins February 25 , but it looks like I will be away from them for at least awhile . I don 't see Dad making it until Easter . But , as I always remind people , we can 't predict life and death . Only God knows how much time Dad has left . Posted by My blackberry and computer still aren 't on speaking terms , but here 's a picture Daughter took with the digital camera of my redone bedroom . You will notice the new comforter and if you look closely , you can see a beaded ribbon on the lampshades . Sister called the social worker at the nursing home Dad is at about discharge planning . She said he could benefit from additional therapy , but was always pushing to get home quickly . So , his daughters decided we should try to convince him to stay a few more days , thinking that then he would be stronger and better able to cope with the wedding . He didn 't like that idea . At all . Far Away Sister just called , and Dad had told her he doesn 't need to be strong when he goes home , because I 'll be there to take care of him . She thought I should be warned . She thinks he recognizes he 's dying and isn 't going to get any stronger . He 's asked for a wheelchair for the wedding . I think she 's right . The plan right now is that I will drive up Monday and pick him up and take him back to his apartment . Daughter and I will stay with him and I will sort through paperwork and gather the things Far Away Sister needs for the trust and such . We 'll get home care set up for him , and take him over to see Mom every day . Friday the cousins arrive and we hope we 'll get to see them at the rehearsal dinner . Saturday is Brother 's wedding , and Sunday we hope to all go out to brunch . Hopefully Daughter and I will be able to come home Sunday afternoon . All of that is assuming Dad is still alive . We don 't think he will last long after the wedding , if he makes it to the wedding . Posted by I talked to Daughter 's case manager this morning . I think Daughter 's stress and conflict over family situations are coming out at the workshop . It turns out that she was teasing J , trying to take a picture of him when he didn 't want his picture taken . She wanted him to chase her , and then when he chased her to get the cell phone away from her , she complained that he was touching her . They talk about the importance of not touching , and on the way out of the meeting , she asks him for a high five . I 've made an appointment with Therapist tomorrow morning . Maybe we can get Daughter to deal with her conflicted feelings about J and with all of her feelings regarding all that is going on in the family right now . I just got off the phone with my sisters . We are trying to get things set up for Dad to go home from rehab next Monday . Sister visited him today . He 's still retaining lots of fluid and is using lots of cough drops for his " cold . " His congestion is coming from the fluid in his lungs . I suspect her reaction to J is also a reaction to the knowledge that her Grandad is dying . We just need to help her name the stress and deal with it appropriately . Did I say just ? I wish it could be that easy . I suspect it 's going to be a challenge . Posted by Far Away Sister is working on a snapfish photo album for our parents . She has asked each of us to upload pictures for the album . I 've been procrastinating , but today I sat down and scanned a bunch of old photos . It brought back lots of memories . Daughter and I have had a number of interesting vacations . We 've been to the Rocky Mountains , the Smoky Mountains , and various spots in the upper Great Lakes region . Daughter has a beautiful smile . She really was little once . She isn 't little any more . In fact , she 's at least 4 inches taller than I am . There have been many happy times . There have been challenges , and her mental illness continues to create challenges , but there is also much joy in our lives together . I 'm very grateful to have her in my life . Today was one of those days when she was dealing with less happy memories . I had four phone calls from her between the time the bus picked her up at 8 : 15 and I picked her up to go see the psychiatrist at 1 : 45 . She was stressing big time about J , who has gone back to inappropriate touching at the workshop . She reported it right away , but she just doesn 't feel safe there . She doesn 't think they are taking her concerns seriously . I tend to agree with her on that . They just don 't get it . Psychiatrist asked today if there is another workshop she could attend . No . This is the only option in our county . I spent some time over supper at Arby 's helping her see the differences between the situation with J and her birth family . I 'm going to have another conversation with her case manager tomorrow . While the situation is made more critical for Daughter because of her PTSD , it is not appropriate for J to be touching any women at the workshop . I don 't understand why the staff at the workshop doesn 't get that and doesn 't enforce that . What he is doing is contrary to their rules . Am I expecting too much ? Posted by I think Daughter watches too much HGTV . Today she showed me my new room . She had purchased a new comforter , put a ribbon with beads on it around the bottom of the lampshades , and put a variety of family pictures is a frame she put on the nightstand . It was very nice . Unfortunately , our local store didn 't have the comforter she picked out on line , and from her description , I probably would have liked that one better , but she did a very nice job and was very proud of her work . I 'll upload pictures later . Right now my computer and cell phone are not on speaking terms . I 'll mediate between them later . I 've had birthday calls from all of my siblings today , and also from my Dad , who had forgotten my birthday until Brother reminded him . Dad also was adding a couple of years on to my age . Brother was asking me how old I am . Men just aren 't good at that kind of thing , I guess . Dad is looking forward to getting home a week from tomorrow . He wanted to go home earlier , but I convinced him to wait until I get there . We 're going to have to get in home services set up for him . I also get to go see a nurse evaluate Mom for the long term care insurance company . I guess they are hoping she will miraculously have regained the ability to live independently . Sister was there the last time they did an evaluation . She said it was very brief , as Mom couldn 't answer any of her questions when she tried to evaluate her mental status . That certainly hasn 't improved . I don 't think I got a single word out of her last time I was there . Tonight I have youth group . We have some planning to do . They are also going to help me celebrate my birthday . I think I may try to recruit them to be readers for our Ash Wednesday service . This has been a rough week for me . While it 's been hard dealing with Dad 's deteriorating health , it has been even harder dealing with Unauthorized Borrower . The pain and sense of betrayal continues . Healing the relationships will take time , and until then , contact and family gatherings will be difficult . With Brother 's weddinReverend Mom I called Sister last night and asked her if I should be worried . Daughter had talked to Sister about her latest project , which involved kicking me out of my bedroom for a couple of nights . Tomorrow is my birthday , and Daughter is doing something in my bedroom for me . She moved my alarm clock , cpap machine , pillow , and clothes for today and tomorrow into the guest room , and informed me I could sleep there . I rejected the idea of sleeping in a recliner or on the couch . We went to Walmart last night , and while I got groceries , she did some shopping . She came out with a bag and some kind of linen in a zipped bag . It was dark , and I didn 't look too closely , so I 'm not sure what it was or what it looked like . She spent hours in my room last night . It 's unusual for her to stick to something that long , and she has been back in there today . Now she is on the computer , emailing Sister and working on another part of her project . I 'm not allowed to look , of course . I woke up cold a couple of times last night . The comforter in the guest room is satin , and it kept sliding off the bed - - maybe helped by Cat or Kitten . I 'm very curious , a little amused , and slightly frustrated . Daughter has never kept a secret for this long , and has never stuck with a project this well . Sister assured me it didn 't involve paint or wallpaper , but beyond that , I 'm clueless . I keep trying to convince Daughter that she should let me sleep in my own bed tonight so that I wake up on my birthday in my own room . So far it 's not working , in fact , now she 's saying I may not be able to go in until tomorrow afternoon . I think she is getting a perverse pleasure out of this , and I confess to enjoying it a bit myself ! I 've really been dragging , and this has been a nice boost . The only problem is , she 's going to expect something equally elaborate for her birthday next month ! Yesterday Daughter informed me she was going to go clean the guest / storage room . I 'm certainly not going to object to that endeavor , though I suspected there was more to it than a sudden desire to see a room with a door that is always closed cleaned . I continued what I was doing . In time , she came back to ask for help . I told her I would do that , but not right at that moment . Then she announced she had big plans for the room . Again I didn 't bite . She informed me that she wanted to start making things with fabric and using the sewing machine . I didn 't take the bait . She informed me she was going to turn the guest room into a store . I told her that wasn 't going to happen . She was welcome to clean it and make use of the sewing machine , but she wasn 't going to open a store in our home . She wandered off , all interest gone . I am willing to help her sew , but past experience has been that she doesn 't have the patience to follow directions or do it correctly . For Christmas of 2007 , she was going to make pillows out of fabric for everybody in the family . I bought the supplies she needed and told her how to do it . She couldn 't / wouldn 't sew a straight line with the machine . I sewed them up for her and showed her how to turn them right side out , stuff them , and sew up the opening . She used 5 stitches to sew up a 4 inch hole , and informed me I was too picky when I told her that was unacceptable . In the end . She stuffed the pillows . I did everything else . She gave them to people for Christmas , boasting about how she had made them . She has lots of big plans , but never seems to be able to follow through on them . I 've learned over the years to set preconditions on any scheme that is going to cost me money . If she does so and so , I will negotiate with her regarding her plans . She seldom even attempts to do whatever it is I have asked . I keep hoping . At least this time she was asking for the equipment to make a DVD of her singing ( off key ) and dancing so she could sell it and become famous . She also hasn 't told me lately that her caReverend Mom Yesterday the power of attorney , will , and trust documents all were signed . Dad was very pleased with them . Far Away Sister and I had gone over the provisions very carefully , and assured that Mom would be taken care of . It was a stressful day , as we waited for reports on how the legal paperwork was going . Our kids have felt neglected , because we have been so focused on this that we 've not had as much time for them . I can 't begin to describe the relief we felt once we knew that all the paperwork had been signed , and Mom and Dad 's assets were safe from UB . UB showed up during the signing , so Dad had the attorney explain the seriousness of what had been done ( felony , 10 + years in prison ) . The sad thing is , we 're still not sure UB gets it . I didn 't talk to Dad yesterday . I called , but he didn 't answer the phone . I 'm sure he had to be relieved and exhausted . I 'm sure I 'll talk to him some time today . We think he is sounding better , and we are wondering if part of his decline was related to the stress of the problems with UB . He now knows that UB can 't pressure him for more loans , and we 've assured him he has enough money to provide for Mom 's care . I think those two issues were really weighing on him . He has lost a great deal in the stock market , but he still has plenty to meet their needs . The other day I told him he should be proud of the way he had managed his money over the years and what he had to show for it . Far Away Sister and I have been telling him the same thing , and I think he 's hearing us . Today I 'm going to dig in to the church stuff . I 'm terribly behind , and have several letters to write and quite a bit of work to do on Lenten worship plans . I think I will be more productive and less grouchy now that we have the safeguards we need to keep Mom and Dad safe . Posted by I spent quite a bit of time on the phone today with Far Away Sister . We were consulting on the documents the attorney has drawn up for Dad to sign tomorrow , and making sure that the language in the will and trust documents accurately reflected Dad 's wishes . We also spent some time talking about UB . UB still has not had the conversations with other family members owning responsibility for what happened . We don 't think UB understands that what UB did was a crime . Dad told me today as I was explaining what the attorney would be bringing him to sign that he thought UB was a little mad at him for telling Far Away Sister and me about what had happened . I got angry at that . Dad didn 't tell us . I went online to check out calls from his bank about possible fraud on his credit card . I discovered the massive payments on credit card bills that did not belong to Dad . I found the one we were fairly certain had not be authorized , and that Dad confirmed he hadn 't known about . We told Dad , Dad didn 't tell us . Dad had loaned UB a very large amount of money , and then helped himself to more . UB should be sucking up big time to the entire family , not blaming others for the problems . I fear that UB has yet to hit bottom , and I wonder how far down bottom will be . It concerns me , because I love UB , and don 't want to see UB suffer ( too much ) . As soon as the paperwork is signed tomorrow , it will be taken to the bank . Far Away Sister will then go into the branch of that bank near her and make all necessary changes to assure that UB has no access to any of the accounts . Far Away Sister has already talked to her local bank about the situation , so they will be waiting for her . I hope that tomorrow will bring some peace and I will no longer be this exhausted . I hope that once I know that Dad 's money is safe and that everything has been done that is necessary to preserve the assets to provide for Mom 's continuing care , I will be able to let go of this worry . But somehow , I think I may be being overly optimistic . This kind of betrayal leaves scaReverend Mom Monday is my day off , but I decided that I was going to get a jump start on the week , and address some of the things that were most stressing me . Daughter and I both saw Therapist this morning , and I spent some time at McDonald 's working on worship planning . Then I went to the nursing home . I currently have 7 people there . 2 have moved in since I was last there , and 1 is currently in the hospital in Big City . I enjoyed my time with them . It was great to catch up on them . I 'd asked someone else to visit them and extend my apologies last week . They all wanted to know about Dad , and all assured me they understood why I hadn 't been there in a while . Interestingly , one woman said , " I know this is your day off , but I figured we 'd see you today . " I told her she knew me too well . Several of the folks I visited are struggling with their adult children taking over their decision making for them . One man , who is almost 90 , remarried several years ago . Their adult children decided their finances should be kept separate . Now their adult children are deciding , separately , where they should live . I guess the fact that they 're married doesn 't carry much weight with them . There was the woman who is packing because she wants to go home . She wants to get home health care and is willing to have someone stay with her at night . Will she get to go home ? That will be up to her kids . They may or may not go along with her plans . There 's the couple whose children have hired someone to check up on them ( in the nursing home ) every week while the kids are on vacation . Talking on the phone isn 't good enough . It got me to wondering , are we making decisions for Dad ? Are we allowing him to control his own life ? I 'm going to have to watch and make sure that we give Dad the dignity of making his own decisions . We need to make sure we respect him and his ability to determine his own future . Brother called this evening . He 's wondering if we should force Dad to face how sick he is . I assured him Dad is dealing with it in his own way , and facing it to Posted by I had big plans for my week with family . I was going to read a book in preparation for today 's sermon . I was going to plan Sunday morning worship themes for Lent . I was going to work on Wednesday evening worship for Lent . Instead , I went through financial records , searched for insurance policies and consulted with siblings . Thanks to a friend who sent me a summary of the first few chapters of the book , I was able to put together a sermon for this morning . I asked for prayers that Dad would be able to be at the wedding , and for Brother , as he deals with his Dad 's impending death and his upcoming wedding . The rest of the day I 'm going to be lazy . I 'm getting in my recliner and watching the Super Bowl . Tomorrow I 'll jump into all the work that didn 't get done last week . But for today , I 'm putting my feet up . I probably won 't make it until the end of the game , and that 's fine . Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . .
|
" I don 't understand what you 're trying to say , do you love me and want to be with me or not ? " He asked me as I stared at him , eyes swelling with tears . " What 's the matter with you ? " Impatience was growing in his voice for my lack of speed when it came to answering him . He had a sad pain behind his ice blue eyes that pierced through my chest , leaving me with heartache that could have been mistaken for indigestion . The truth was I didn 't know what to say because I didn 't know what I wanted . My slowness in answering the question wasn 't because I didn 't love him , my mind was completely blank , and I was lost in thought . I really do love him , and that is something he will never believe , because of the simple fact that I wasn 't certain of who I was . When I pictured myself in the future , I didn 't know what I would see and if it would be with him . If I tried to tell him that I was conflicted about what I wanted to do with myself and that was why our relationship was crumbling , it certainly wouldn 't sound right to him , that I was sure of . Nevertheless that was exactly what the situation was . " Well Abbie , I have told you exactly what I think , and you know exactly how I feel . Now I think that I deserve the same in return , instead of sitting in front of someone that 's turned into a zombie . " I winced in pain , as he pierced my heart again with his beautiful icy , cool eyes , causing my heart to skip a couple of beats . He didn 't seem tickled about my choice of words - the hurt and pain in his eyes turned into two , hard , ice cubes , frozen with resentment and heartbreak . His mouth formed a thin line , and he said nothing , as he consumed what I just said , leaving him detached and in a zombie like state . I could understand this reaction considering the length of time we 've been together . Alex and I have known one another since the eighth grade , and have been friends for the longest time . There was an immediate bond between both of us from the moment that we met . It started off as just a simple friendship , but by the time we reached sophomore year , we started to date and were inseparable from that point on . We would always go to the mall , movies , and family functions , everywhere and anywhere , as long as we were together . I loved him very much , but now I felt smothered by his attempts of marriage with me . Not that the idea was permanently out of the question , it was just uncertain for right now . With all the crap I had on my mind , including my raise issues at work giving me grief , everyone involved in my life was continuously piling onto my plate . Not only did I have Alex on my back , and money on my brain , now my parents were harassing me about what I was going to do with my college career , if there was even one for me . Like I didn 't have enough to think about with just Alex . I know that my parents want the best for me , but sometimes I just feel like if I don 't meet their standards , then I have failed them as a daughter . I was tired of always having to be the one who never made mistakes and always did well , even though I didn 't . I wanted to make mistakes and learn from them , instead of always being pressured to be Ms . Perfect . I wanted to go out and drink , get tattoos , smoke pot , go to endless amounts of parties with friends and have normal teenage worries . But being the oldest child in the family , I was a victim of more enforced rules , and made to be the example for my sisters . This idea didn 't have much of an effect on them , and I suffered all the consequences . I didn 't feel my age and my spirit was suffocating . I felt like I was fifty years older than I really was . I never did anything for myself and always had to live under the pressure of my family and boyfriend . I lived in fear of knowing that I would leave them in disappointment no matter what way I chose to do things . I couldn 't deal with that anymore , I was growing tired and weak from trying to please all of them and be there in their time of need . Every time that I wasn 't there for one of them for just a second , it seemed to crush them and leave their life in chaos , leaving me in this pool of guilt . I loved them all so much and wanted to be there for everyone one of them , but I was being spread to thinly and starting to disappear entirely . It was time for a change … for me and no one else . " Can 't I have a little time to think ? I know I love you , but you have to let me consider this … you had time to think about asking me , can 't I have time to think about my answer ? " I regretted what I said immediately . Alex sighed heavily , got up , kissed my forehead and looked me in my eyes . " Take all the time you need . Just don 't take too long … I can 't wait around for you forever Abby . " His voice was oozing with sadness . I felt horrible and just wanted to reach out and hold him close . He ruffled up my hair with his big hand , walked out the door and I knew that was the last time that I would see him . Unsuspectingly , when I woke up in the morning things still felt the same . It was a bad night last night . I felt so stupid , like no one in the whole wide world would understand anything that I was saying or did . I must admit that I did think about slitting my wrists just to avoid the pain that I knew I would have to endure for the rest of my life . I know … I know , everyone has to deal with the pain , so why should I feel so helpless and hopeless . I felt like I just jumped into the ocean and fell twenty feet , hit the water and couldn 't resurface . No matter how hard I tried , and how hard I paddled my legs , I just couldn 't feel the sweetness of the air hit my lungs and stop the panic . I know there are a lot of good things to live for , and a lot of things to look forward to . But when you think about the bad , it is relentlessly unbearable and a lot more of an impact . Alex understood me , to a certain extent . But some of the things I was saying just baffled him to the point of annoyance . This made me feel worse , like I really was crazy . I just didn 't know what to do with myself , or where I was going with my life . Why did everything have to be so complicated , so hard ? Why couldn 't you just get an outline of your life ? Or even a glimpse … something to give me the comfort I need to stop the nauseous feeling that I get . So that I can brace myself for the raging bull , that represented my anguish , came hurling towards me … yes that would be very nice . To top it all off , I finally got the raise I had been waiting half a year for , and strangely enough , I felt nothing . Like I wasn 't even human and happiness would no longer make an appearance in my life . Nope ! Misery was the starring role , the constant appearance , and took center stage in the drama that was entitled " My Life " . I couldn 't handle the things I had to think about , and I wanted to feel the pain on the outside for the happiness I was lacking on the inside … to make sure I was still alive . I cut myself right across my arm . I had never done it before , and I couldn 't feel the cut , I wouldn 't even bleed ! Damn , I 'm not alive . Everyone has been playing along , lying to me , pretending that I 'm there when I 'm really not . But then five minutes later , I felt it , the stinging . I am alive . Isn 't that very ironic , the one thing that I despise and loathe is what brought me back from the dead . I can 't stand pain , so why is it making me happy that I 'm feeling it . No one would understand my itchy swell marks , caused by the blade that I just couldn 't push down hard enough the release my blood . I wanted to , but then people would know and see , even though I wanted to see blood . I had to get out of here . Just leave , get my things and go . Put everything in my tiny car , pack as much as I could , and run far away , where no one could find me . Then I would never have to know if anything bad ever happened to the ones I loved most . So that 's what I did . I got as much together as I could and shoved it in my car . There was so much I was leaving behind , but that was ok … fewer memories . But what would I tell my family ? How can I explain to them that I 'm a coward , I 'm running away and I don 't want to see them for fear of losing them to disappointment ? Even though I would lose them by running away , so it was a double edge sword . But then they could forget about me and I could forget about them , and we would never have to worry about each other . My parents would never understand why I would want to leave . They barely understood me when I was around . With their never - ending harassment about how boring I was , and that I needed to spend time with someone else besides Alex . I would never understand how my parents could judge my relationship , when they have been together since they were both sixteen . And the beginning of their marriage didThey have gone to Florida and L . A . with friends ; I have never even set foot in an airport . I know where it is and everything , because I had to drop them off , but I have never gone inside . They 've gone on dozens of road trips with my grandparents , and with friends . Of course I was always invited when they went with my grandparents , but I just wasn 't comfortable when I was around them , they always invited their friends . This didn 't make the bond with them any better . They were bubbly , blonde , fun , tall , tanned , outgoing , fashionable … the typical blonde chick that 's seen on television . I was the pale , brown haired , short , kept to myself kind of chick , and liked casual , comfortable clothes . Me being the darker , more mysterious , sarcastic , cynical character , in my fairy tale family , left me very out of place when we were compared to one another . They needed me nonetheless , and they would never admit to their reliance on me as their daughter and sibling . Even though my parents always made me feel like crap when I didn 't succeed . And of course , the relentless antagonizing from my sisters on how I looked and dressed , but I still loved them unconditionally . Why you ask ? Because I was the one who was there for their weakest moments , I saw how fragile they were under their tough exteriors , how breakable they would be if their flaws were exposed to the wrong people . Like Arianna , who was obsessed with her weight and how she looked to other people . She didn 't need any of the name brand shoes , purses or clothes , but that didn 't stop her from getting them . She would always come to me and ask How do I Look ? And Do I look fat in this ? . I would tell her that she looked great and that she was beautiful no matter what she had on . But when I would walk past her room at night I could hear her cry herself to sleep from the never - ending worry about what people thought of her . I knew her biggest fear was not being accepted by her piers . If they knew how insecure she was , they would crush her the moment she did one of them wrong . Amy was another story . She was very gullible and would talk to anyone and believe everything they said . Once she talked to this religious group who was relentless on trying to get her to join them . They wanted to get some kind of reward for bringing my sister in and trying to convert her . They came to the house for a week straight until I told them we worshipped the Devil , which stopped them very quickly . If anyone knew how naïve Amy was , she could easily be taken advantage of , and pushed into bad situations . I always had to be there to watch her back and cover up the trail she left behind from one of her fallbacks . And then there was Alex . I have known him for five years … and my family all my life . Of course it will hurt them , but I can 't stay , I need to go and never look back . Maybe I will send them an untraceable postcard , that won 't specify where I am , just to let them know I 'm all right . Well … I have to let them know I 'm leaving somehow . I look around the room and decided that I will leave them a very brief note . I walked over to the computer , grabbed some paper from the printer , scrambled around looking for a pen and pressed down hard , harder then I did with the blade . Look I know that you don 't and won 't really understand why I 'm doing this , but I just can 't stay here . I have to leave and I don 't want any of you trying to find me . Its better this way , I just can 't stick around anticipating the worst . I need to be free of all the turmoil and grief that is caused by being here . It hurts me too much to know that I can 't help and be what you all want me to be . I can 't stay here and be a burden to you guys anymore , I am going to be by myself so no one will have to worry about me . I love you all very much ! ! ! ! ! There , now that that is out of the way , I have to go to the bank and take everything that I have and get the hell out of here . But where will I go ? I have no idea where I can go and not feel out of place . Maybe I will go somewhere that I have never been before - which is everywhere . I have lived in Maine all my life . It really has to be somewhere that I can afford and is not to expensive , plus I will have to find a job , so it has to be a city with plenty of job options . But I don 't want to go to New York or Los Angeles . I want to go to a major city that is big , but under rated … Chicago . I think it 's worthwhile city , that 's doesn 't have as big of a reputation as other cities . Plus I want to see the Sears tower . St . Leonard 's Airport is a little bit of a drive for me , but I like the view on the way there anyway . As I 'm searching for my bankbook , looking through old statements , birthday cards , Valentines Day cards , I come across a picture that I look at for an infinite amount of time . I don 't even realize it but when I feel a tickle on my face , I smear it away only to find that it is my salty , weak tears , I could have gone without . The reminder of the remorse I would feel having to leave , but even more remorse I would feel if I stayed . The picture is of Alex and me . I love him dearly and he knows this . I can 't leave without telling him goodbye . But I can 't see him . He 'll only try to stop me . I run back over to the computer and tear another piece of paper away from the printer and begin writing . Hysterically crying because it 's hard to say this to him , luckily I will only have to write it . This hurts me so much to do this to you . You have been my support for five years and I love you so much , you know me the best . You mean the world to me and to be without you is very hard . But I can 't stay , I don 't know how so explain this to you . When we were talking last night , I knew that I was only causing you grief in my way of thinking , and … I don 't want to do that to you or me anymore . I need to get away and figure out who I am and what is wrong with me , and staying with you is not helping anything . You deserve someone who can give you what you want . I am too messed up for you , please be happy when I am gone . I folded up the letter intending to stop by his house and tape it on the door while he was still at work . I really wanted to see him one more time , but I just couldn 't bring myself to look at him when I knew I wouldn 't see him again . I got on the phone and called the airport to book a flight for today , the lady I was talking to said , I was very lucky , because someone had just cancelled their flight right before I called . I thought that was very weird that someone had cancelled the exact flight I needed to get on , but maybe it was a indication that I was doing the right thing . I was looking around my room trying to figure out what else I should grab . I put my favorite sweater on , grabbed a pillow and shoved some of my clothes into a giant duffle bag I had used when I would go camping or spent the night by Alex 's ( my parents didn 't know about this though . ) I grabbed my bankbook , Ipod and extra cash that I had and stuffed it into my purse . I looked around for one more thing - my one comfort that I had to myself … my teddy bear . I had this ratty old doll since the eighth grade . Alex had given it to me when we went on a field trip to a carnival in eighth grade . I stuffed him in my duffle bag , took one last glance into my messy room and closed the door . I hopped into my car , drove to Alex 's house , ran straight to the porch and slid the letter into his parent 's mailbox hurrying back to the car . Once I got in , I made a u - turn and headed to the bank to get all the money I had saved . During the ride I passed big giant houses that always reminded me of dollhouses and pictured the families inside . I hoped that they weren 't as dysfunctional as mine were . They were giant houses with gorgeous gardens and perfect green grass with brick paths leading to their doorway . The trees were shading the sunlight , so that it only peeked through the gaps between the leaves . Some of the lawns were full and luscious , making other lawns look pathetic , but none were as fabulous as Alex 's ' . His house was just like all the others , big and impressive , with lots of plants and flowers . It had a curvy path leading to the front steps , bordered by little pink flowers . His house was exceptionally remarkable . The further I drove , the thicker the air was with fog and the sun was beginning to set , making the sky an orangish color , with purple clouds . The road I was driving down was a wall of trees going along both sides and you couldn 't see no more then five feet into the forest . I had gone camping in this forest many times with Alex and his family . My family wasn 't really into camping or sleeping outside , but I loved it . I am definitely going to miss the wonderful views that were here and the relaxed outdoor environment with air so fresh and thick with moisture you could just take a bite out of it like a sweet juicy apple . Now I would be leaving it all behind for a very different life , but I want some change , if I don 't like it I can always move back here . Maybe my family will take me back , if they 're not too mad and I 'm brave enough to face them . I couldn 't believe that I was actually going to Chicago , but I had saved my money from the moment that I had gotten a job , plus all the extra birthday money and Christmas money . Most of it came from my grandparents though . They always gave my sisters and me money because they didn 't know ' What kids liked now a days , ' sothat helped a lot . I loved my grandparents . They were always very upbeat and active when they came around . They weren 't the type that just sat around and sulked in their old age , they were full of life and lived it to the fullest . They would constantly go on trips after they retired . Whether it was road trips , flights around the world or cruises , they were always going somewhere . They went to just about every attraction that there was in the U . S . They would send us postcards from every city they went to , and my Mom sort of started collecting them . I remember my sisters and I went on a little weekend road trip with them , when we were younger and less complicated , to this little camping ground they discovered on one of their many escapades . It was a lot of fun my sisters and I had a blast , swimming , fishing and hiking through the small forest that was there . One of the better memories I have that I shared with my sisters , I think they didn 't oppose to it because they had an RV . Then when I was in my junior year , my mom got a phone call telling her that her parents had been killed in a horrible accident . They were taking a road trip to Texas and had run out of gas . As they were sitting on the side of the shoulder of the highway , a truck lost control and hit them . They were killed instantly . My Mom was devastated , and my Dad did his best to console her . He grew up in foster homes , and didn 't really stick around too long in any of them . My Mom fell into a deep dark depression and didn 't even seem like herself for a good three years . When my family and I went to the reading of my Grandparents will , my Mother was shocked at how much she was left . She was an only child , and to be an only child you are entitled to a lot anyway . I never could get it out of her , how much she had got , but I know it was close to half a million . A few weeks after the reading , my mom surprised me with a bankbook that had my name on it . There was ten thousand dollars in the account . She said she wanted me to use it for college … I had believed then that I would go to college . From the moment I got a job I put everything that I had made into the bank and by my second year of working at a small clothing store after school , I had saved fourteen thousand dollars , minus two thousand for my car . So that left me with twelve thousand for Chicago , at least for the time being . I would have to work hard to find a job , now that I would be making less money again . I finally reached the bank and drained everything I had out of the account into a check ; they of course tried to offer me special deals and rewards if I would stick with them . But I told the bank teller that I wasn 't interested , she smiled politely and I walked out . I had been by the airport many times before dropping my sisters off from time to time . But I remember it more fondly when I think about the times my Dad would take us right to a spot where the airplanes would land . We would lay on the ground listening to loudness of the landing and how it would make our bodies vibrate . It would be different this time . I would be going without them , and I wouldn 't be watching the planes taking off , I would actually be on one . I pulled into the entrance to the airport and parked my car . I was getting whatever luggage I did have and looking at my little 98 ' Chevy cavalier . I felt insanely sad to leave it here , just because of the simple fact that this was my first car . This was my first major grown up purchase that I had made . Now I had to say goodbye to an inanimate object , even though I felt like it was an animate being . I felt like my car had feelings and was sad and confused as to why I was just abandoning it in this scary parking lot . Jeez ! Now I 'm even concerned about how my car feels , this is nuts ! I shed a few tears as I gathered my things , closed the doors and locked her up for the last time . I removed the license plate and took it with me as a memento . I walked in to the fluorescent - lit building and my eyes adjusted from the darkness outside . There were hundreds of people bustling about and getting their things together to board their flights . People were running past me or walking feverishly trying to get to wherever it was they were going . I felt very insignificant around all these people . But I liked the fact that no one was paying attention to me , I felt relieved and free in a sense . Now all I had to do was find out where I was supposed to board for my flight . I wish I would have actually came in with Arianna and Amy those times I had dropped them off . I was standing in the middle of the airport , jaws clenched together in frustration and annoyance . Not just because of the fact that I had no idea what I was supposed to do , but also , there was a strange and seemed undeniably handsome man staring at me , and here I thought I wasn 't noticed by anyone . He wasn 't my type , what I could tell , just by his clothing ; I wasn 't into the all American boy get - up . His gaze never left me and I felt myself growing self - conscious about my appearance . Similar to the feeling that arises when talking to someone , and they keep staring at your teeth as if there was something stuck in them . I started to look around for any hint of where to board for the flight to Chicago , but there was nothing . I b " Breath , Abby everything will be fine , " I said , as there was that shakiness in my voice . The same shakiness I get when I am about to cry . " Your just going to have to ask for help … be brave . " The unsteadiness was growing . It was barely even audible , what I was saying . I was speaking so low , someone could have just assumed I was praying , and in a sense I was praying for help . Maybe not to God but … someone , I had to be heard by something . That 's when I heard a rough and a low murmuring , voice from behind me . " Excuse me , I hate to bother you … but you look like you could use some help . " He said his speech deep , and chilling , contradictory to what was actually coming out of his mouth . But the sound was very scratchy , like he had been screaming for hours . I opened my eyes to see that it was the man that had been staring at me from a distance . I didn 't realize how attractive he was until he was right in front of me . He was a very big man and had broad shoulders and very strong looking arms that could wrap around me twice , if he were to do it . He was wearing a black hat , worn out , old looking t - shirt and jeans , with huge brown shoes that dwarfed the size of my feet . He also looked like he needed a shave - he had stubble that stretched across his cheeks , and over his chin . . He was very tall , compared to my flat five feet in height . I would say that he reached easily over six feet tall . His hair was dark , from what I could see under the hat and seemed very soft with a hint of brown when the light caught what was sticking out . He was very pale , almost white but his skin was creamy not translucent , like most pale people I have known . His skin was flawless , not a blemish or scar on him . His eyes were concentrated on my face and not as dark looking as I had thought , they were a clear soft green and as clear and stress free as they could be . They weren 't blood shot from crying , like mine were and I was mesmerized . " I beg your pardon . " " Nothing , I was just talking to myself , " I looked down at my feet , afraid that I would embarrass myself even further , I didn 't know why I cared , he wasn 't even my type . He just had this magnetism that pulled me to him , involuntarily . " Well , I have never been on a plane let alone in and airport , so I have no idea what I am doing . " I was very nervous talking to someone as good looking as him , I felt trivial . " And it reads all over your face , " he said bending down a little to meet my level , causing me to look up from the floor , back to his face . " I saw you muttering to yourself and I was trying to determine if you were just crazy , but then I came to the decision that I know what is wrong , " confidence was evident on his voice , " you 're a first time flyer , and I was right . " He gave me a little wink as he said this and smiled at me . His teeth were perfectly white and even , a classic movie star smile , but it was also a smile that stirred up uneasiness inside me , like there was more to his smile then I knew about . His teeth also looked very sharp , his canines were pointy like a vampire . I thought of this silly idea for a moment and smiled to myself , I looked back at him . " Am I that obvious or were you watching me that closely ? " I squinted my eyes in suspicion . I knew what I looked like to him , a vulnerable lonesome traveler , with no one to protect me . What an easy catch for him . But I wasn 't going to let my guard down that easily , even though he was gorgeous . He cocked his head to the side and looked at me conflicted by what I said . " I 'm sorry I didn 't mean to offend you , I just wanted to help , " he said . The appeal gone from his voice , replaced by a hostile and bitter tone . I shook my head . " No , its fine … I 'm just a little cranky right now … but I could definitely use some help , I just have to watch out or predators . " What did I have to lose I was in an airport full of people , what could he do to me . He turned and looked at a woman who had passed by - he inhaled deeply , and closed his eyes . I was a little wary of this , but I continued to explain to him my mishap . " I 'm trying to find out where the heck I have to board for the flight to Chicago , " He looked at me and smiled , the warm friendliness returning to his face . " Ah , well your in luck , that 's the same flight I 'm on . I 'm lucky I came up to you , I just couldn 't walk away without saying something , I would have regretted it , " he said , confidence creeping back into his tone of voice . I felt the chills , which subsided as my face flushed slightly . I had never been flirted with by anyone but Alex , and in such an obvious way , this felt weird . I looked up at him and smiled at his attempts . " Not mine , I always act on impulse … sometimes with bad outcomes , but you grow and learn from them . You shouldn 't be so depressing and frown so much Abby , it will give you wrinkles , " he said amusing only himself , and he caught on to this by the look on my face . As what he said sunk in there was something that he shouldn 't have known about me , at least I don 't remember telling him this . . . I was speechless and I couldn 't understand how he was getting me so tongue twisted . He glanced at his watch and grabbed his backpack at his feet . " If we 're going to catch this flight , we have to check in , now is the time to leave . " He turned his back to me and began , walking , assuming that I would follow , and he was right again , what other choice did I have . Is there anything that he assumed that turned out wrong ? I had no idea why I was letting him treat me like this ; he was very smug . But he was so inviting with his presence , I felt the need to get closer to him and see what was behind those appealing green eyes . As I strolled behind him I began to notice how elegantly he walked , like there were clouds attached to his feet , causing the light , airy glide to his step . And the cologne that he was wearing , depicted how I would describe his scent , down to the T , I felt like I would jump on him at any moment . He must have heard my footsteps stop , because I was just standing there with my eyes closed , taking in the smell he was giving off through the weak breeze of our walking . I thought of how I would like to touch him , and see how his pale skin felt , if it was as soft as the creaminess was portraying . " Are you coming ? " My eyes opened at his question , I nodded and resumed my quick pace behind him . It was very hard to keep up with him , my steps were only half of his , and I found myself forced into a light jog to remain close . We finally made it to where we had to check in . The woman behind the counter looked at him with a gleam in her eyes , and smiled . She was very cordial and prompt , checking him in , he thanked her , and scooted to the side so I could step up . She didn 't have the same gleam in her eyes , for me , and she wasn 't cordial at all with me . She was very fast when she helped me though , but not because she was trying to be nice . the boarding entrance for the Chicago flight and the lady had just taken a ticket from a heavy set balding man . Then she took ours and we were finally walking through the hall to get on the plane . As we were walking through the hallway leading to the plane I could feel him looking at me as we walked . I turned my head and I was right , he was staring at me with so much intensity it made me very uncomfortable " You , does it bother you ? " " Yes it does , you 're making me uncomfortable . " I said , as he persisted with the staring a soft smile on his face , and I couldn 't bring myself to look him in the eyes . Don 't get me wrong his eyes were beautiful , but they scared me for some unknown reason , I couldn 't read his face like I could others and this was leaving me intimidated . " Is that how it seems ? " He sniggered to himself as he looked down and shook his head . " I 'm sorry , I don 't mean to be so intimidating , I just like to stare at things that interest me sometimes . I don 't mean to offend you . " We finally got onto the plane and I had felt relieved that I was finally going to be alone with my thoughts . I don 't know what it was , but I just didn 't want to think at all when I was around him , the way he looked at me made me feel like he really was trying to read my mind , and he was serious when he told me so . I looked at him and I suspected that he could read the relief in my face . He went behind curtains that I assumed lead to first class , because I couldn 't afford first class , and I guess this is what coach looked like . The seats were blue with little cream - colored spots in them , stiff and uncomfortable . They were packed closely together with barely enough elbow space . I guess I was lucky enough to have a window seat , I don 't know how that happened . Someone must have called and canceled their flight at the very moment I was getting my ticket . I knew I wasn 't that lucky though . The heavyset man that had boarded the flight just before I did was sitting in the seat next to mine . I scooted my way past him sat down and began to put my headphones in my ears to avoid any unwanted conversation , but I was too slow . " Excuse me sir , I was wondering if you would like to switch seats with me . You see I 'm trying to just enjoy this flight , but that stewardess over there keeps flirting with me , " he gestured with his head passed the partially opened curtains to a very attractive blonde woman serving a passenger a drink . She turned around and looked in our direction and winked at him . He turned back around and looked at the chubby man next to me , and nodded , his attempts turning out to be truthful . " But that 's first class . You want to switch with me because a beautiful woman is flirting with you ? Well if you have a screw loose that 's not my problem . Hell yeah I 'll take your seat . " He generously accepted seeing to the fact that I wasn 't very fond of him and his attempts at getting in my pants . The man got up and began grabbing his things and headed to the front of the plane . He turned around and closed the curtains and I 'm guessing that he was hoping the stewardess would forget about this handsome passenger sitting next to me now . I turned and looked at him in disbelief at the stunt he just pulled . " No . Actually I could just give you a big old kiss right now , you saved me from him . " I said , the words coming out of my mouth before I could stop them . " That asshole was trying to hit on me right before you came over here . He was being a major pervert . " I put my Ipod to the side and put my teddy bear on my lap . " No , its cool , you 've already done what was necessary , you got rid of him for me , " I looked at him and felt a pang of uneasiness at his gaze on me . I really felt like he was dangerous but couldn 't force myself to stop talking to him . I was playing with the little bow tie my teddy bear had around his neck , focusing on it and not this stranger next to me . " Well you already know my name Max , its nice to meet you . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . I felt butterflies flutter around in my stomach as he smiled at me , and my face got very hot when he noticed . " Why are you blushing ? " his smile grew wider and he moved back a little to get a full view of my whole body . " Are you infatuated with me Abby ? " I gained a little nerve and answered . " What would you say if I said yes ? " I copied his body movements staring back at him . " Then I would say that I accept your kiss . " He said and a small , embarrassed laugh escaped my lips , he looked at them and I looked back down at my bear . I leaned back a little , feeling that things were going a little to far . He nudged me with his elbow and said , " That 's fine . But my acceptance will always stand , as long as your offer does . " I couldn 't help myself I had to look at him again . " That 's why I 'm flirting . I 'm hoping you 'll let me stick around and learn more about you . Now that I know you 're infatuated with me , things seem to be in my favor . " He was right about that , I wanted to tell him everything about myself and give in to his ruthlessness . I think it would feel good to tell a outsider all my worries and fears , and not get charged for it . I wanted the same from him to . I wanted to know about him and what his life was like growing up , and picture my life being his life and putting myself in his shoes . " Do you have a place to stay ? " I shifted in my seat uncomfortably . " No . " " No family ? " Max said , I could tell he was thinking of his next question before I could answer the previous one . " More like everyone I should say . I just want to get away from everyone for a little while and collect my thoughts , try and figure out what I 'm going to do with myself and my future . " I admitted . " Maybe it will , maybe it won 't . I just don 't want whatever decisions I make for myself to be constantly scrutinized . I want to be able to breath and not feel so constricted , you know ? " I looked back at him . I began to run my fingers through my hair as I thought of what was unfolding between the two of us . " Good evening , my name is John Carmichael and I am the captain for this flight tonight , we will be preparing for take off in a few minutes here folks . So if you will all take your seats and fasten your seat belts , we can continue on to Chicago and be there in no time . Thank you very much and enjoy the flight , " he finished and I inhaled deeply . " Of course . You can hold my hand if you want to , squeeze as hard as you need , " he put his hand out and rested it on my knee , palm up , his hand was cold and I could feel it through my pants . I looked at him contemplating this idea and took it . It was even colder with my skin having direct with his . It felt like I was holding a piece of cold , rough marble , his skin was very smooth and soft . It felt very reassuring to be holding his hand though , I felt all the edginess drain from my body and grow warm , even though he gave me goose bumps for more than one reason . " So tell me about your parents . " He said leaning back resting his head and closing his eyes , anticipating my response . " I have two sisters , " I contemplated if I could talk about them . " But I really don 't feel like talking about them either . Sorry . " I really wasn 't in the frame of mind for this right now . I couldn 't contain the excitement I was having inside me as I smiled widely . " Why would you want to know that ? " I asked in uncertainty . " Because I 'm going to steal you away from him , " he said squeezing my hand slightly . I pulled it away from him , and then felt the plane shake into movement and screamed . People turned around and stared at me , I felt like an idiot . Max put his hand back into mine , not even asking this time and squeezed tightly . " But I do know that I have you with me now , and you 're running away from him , so I do have an advantage there , and we have the whole plane ride for you to get to know anything about me . " He said accentuating every single word in his sentence . " Would you say that you two are still and item ? " " No , I don 't think so . I don 't want him to sit around waiting for me to come back , " I paused . " I want him to find someone else and be happy , I don 't want him to be alone and he doesn 't deserve that . But this doesn 't give you an advantage . " I looked at him smugly . He began to play with my fingers looking at the black nail polish I had put on them last night . " So if your not going to be with him , why don 't I have a chance ? " " I 'm just not looking for something like that right now and I think this is to serious of a conversation for me at the moment . Can we change the subject ? ' I asked hoping that he would agree with my attempts of shifting the mood . " I can 't believe how interested you are in me anyway , you barely met me . " The plane gave another jerk and started to gain pace . I looked out the window and saw the lights that were shining down on the path the plane was racing down and they were passing by faster and faster . We started gaining velocity and it felt like being on a roller coater , I felt this weird pressure on my chest and I was getting more and more frightened . I was more afraid of the fact that we would be thousands of feet in the air , and I had a fear of heights . I looked at Max and he smiled in reassurance that everything was as normal as could be . Then I felt the plane lose contact with the ground and lift into the air . " Just lean back and close your eyes , focus on something . " I could feel the plane rising higher and higher , I did as Max suggested and closed my eyes . At first all I saw was the normal darkness you see , but then I started to see other things . I saw my family , My Mom and Dad , Arianna and Amy . I saw when my sisters and me were with my grandparents and we were fishing by this little stream that time they took us camping . Then it went into this vision of me getting accepted to a really good college and my parents hugging me and crying because they were so proud . Maybe that was what could have happened if I had stayed . Then I saw Alex , but not as he normally looked . He had this look in his eyes , a sort of fright at something that was unfolding before him and he was scared out of his mind . He was out of breath and sweating heavily , he stood at the top of concrete stairs and there was nothing but darkness behind and around him . The only details that I could make of his surroundings were the concrete stairs . Then I saw that his eyes rested on something and then he screamed my name . The next thing I knew he had just vanished , and I saw the empty staircase where he had just been standing and all I heard after that were sobs and saw pure darkness again . It sounded a lot like my voice , and I could hear his name being said . " No , Alex … Please … no … oh God no , " The voice was saying . Then I saw flash of bloody fangs closing in on my neck and was jolted back to reality . " Abby are you alright ? " Max said as he brushed some hair out of my face . I had forgotten he was even there and where I was , but then it all came back to me as my eyes adjusted to the light . I leaned forward and rubbed my face with both hands and stayed like that for a few minutes thinking about my weird dream . I leaned back and closed my eyes again and sighed heavily , I glanced to my right , out the window . It was so breathtaking ; all I could see were tiny little lights . If I didn 't know that I was in a plane , I could assume that I was looking at the sky , with all the bright little stars shining in it . But I was in the sky and I was traveling to my new life that I was going to create for myself . I rested my elbow on the ledge of the window and for the first time I felt like I had done the right thing by leaving . I could do anything I wanted , and do it the way I wanted , with no one there to make me think differently . I was totally unprepared and had no idea where I was going to stay and what I was going to do about getting a job , but then I heard Max speak as if he knew that I was pondering this idea . " Where do you plan on staying Abby ? " He said softly pinching my arm and I turned around to look at him , there was a night - light that was shining right above our heads , I assumed he had turned it on . He looked so cute and friendly as he gave me a weak smile . As I studied his face a little longer I began to realize that he looked paler and had soft , and very drawn . He looked like he hadn 't had a good nights rest . His lips looked like they were slightly chapped and as if he were thirsting for something , but didn 't know where to get it . Right as I was thinking this he licked his lips . " I 'm kinda thirsty do you want something to drink ? " He said , gesturing to a flight attendant and turning his face away from mine . " You didn 't answer my question . " " I don 't really know , I 'll probably just stay in a cheap hotel for the time being . " I said as the thought of a small room and those tiny bars of complimentary soaps came to my mind . I will just have to go to the store and get my own body wash , shampoo , and one of those scrubby things . I have to make a mental list of things to get . He had gotten a bottle of water for him and me and he was twisting the cap off of his while he said this to me , taking a big gulp . The flight attendant was walking down the aisle asking anyone who was awake if they wanted anything . I watched her as she disappeared behind the curtains , I guess the woman that was flirting with Max earlier got the hint and didn 't attempt anything further since he switched seats with the chubby guy . I sighed and decided to avoid his offer for the moment . He picked up his legs and let me pass by . " So your just gonna leave me hanging and not give me an answer ? " I smiled and passed by . As I was waiting to use the wash room I really started to think about what max had offered . I couldn 't believe that I was actually considering if , but if he did want to do something to me he could have snatched me up in the airport and lead me somewhere deserted . I would have followed thinking he was taking me to where I was supposed to board for my flight . I smiled faintly at how infatuated he was with me even though we had just met . I was very flatted and sort of skeptical . No one had ever made me feel like that before , like I was irresistible . Older unattractive men were always they type that hit in me , never anyone my own age . I had no idea what Max 's intentions were , so I have to be careful and not look to eager . I should have invested in some sort of protection for myself before I left . I will have to get some pepper spray or something as soon as I can , just in case my suspicions are confirmed and he tries something funny . I hope Max is not some kind of creep taking advantage of me , recognizing my vulnerability and bad judgment calls I have been making since I met him . But with the way the he was thinking , I 'm sure he was thrilled that I was still talking to him , and hoped it wouldn 't end . I was even hoping it wouldn 't end . I was already missing the security and comfort of always having someone at my side , but I had left him behind in Maine . This thought reminded me of the dream I had of Alex , and I felt chills all over my body . What was the meaning of it ? The other parts of the dream seemed harmless but then it went into this image of horror that Alex was displaying on his face . What could he have been seeing ? Well I knew that I had to of been there since he screamed my name , but that still didn 't explain what he saw . Maybe it was better that I didn 't know . Maybe it was best if I didn 't think about it . But I couldn 't stop myself and I kept going over the dream in my mind repeatedly . Then I saw the flash of the last image before I woke up , those sharp teeth and how they lunged toward me . The opening of the bathroom door disrupted my thoughts of Alex . It was a very tiny bathroom , but I survived . I washed my hands and decided to dig a little deeper into my dream later . As I walked back to my seat I saw Max sitting there with anticipation on his face waiting for my answer . " What ? " I said . " You know what . You didn 't answer me , " he said " don 't think I forgot just because you went to the bathroom . " He folded his arms across his chest and looked at me impatiently . " I know I just needed to think of my answer … " I trailed off purposely , teasing him a little more . " Come on Abby , stop being a tease . " He seemed thrilled about the idea and he lit up immediately . " Deal . I will take you to all of my favorite spots and you will have the best time ever . " " Abby we need to talk … " he said as he grabbed some dishes off the table in front of the couch and walked to the kitchen . I didn 't really believe what I was hearing at first . I thought he was joking for a moment , pulling my leg , like he normally does . All humor to the side , I soon realized that he was not teasing me , as I caught the seriousness of his face . My eyes narrowed , and smile faded away . " What are you talking about Max ? " " Max - please don 't do this . I thought we were working out well living together . Then you have to go and get all parental on me ! " I looked away from him , not because he said to , I just couldn 't look at him for another moment . He was really starting to get on my nerves . I looked around the house and noticed that it was pretty messy . I really hadn 't noticed it , and probably wouldn 't have , if he didn 't point it out so unrelentingly . Ok , so it was a little messy , but it could easily be cleaned up , he was acting like it was un - fixable . " Abby please … I work all night , and then I have to come home to a place that looks worse then a barn . I would appreciate it if you would at least attempt to keep up after yourself . I don 't have to let you stay here . " He said , with a lack of sympathy , he had a very unreadable character when it came to arguments , which was not good . All that you could make out was anger ; never any other kind of emotion . And that didn 't help when you weren 't in his favor , this quality of his bothered me . I like him better when he is helpful and friendly , not pissed and uptight . I was very hurt by what he just said , and couldn 't believe it was coming out of his mouth so openly . I came to the conclusion in my head that , he wasn 't going to treat me like a child . Maybe I am messy , but that doesn 't mean he can talk to me like I really am an infant . It was hard for me to tolerate it from my parents , but he was not in that position , and certainly wasn 't going to gain any tolerance from me for this behavior . He was just a roommate , not a super natural being with the power to clean , and I wasn 't his faithful sidekick that was going to be trampled on . " Hey ! " I said standing up and pointing my finger in his direction , " Look if you don 't want me here then just say it … I 'm not here to take your crap . And for your information , I left Maine to avoid the life your trying to reiterate back to me . I don 't need this . " I walked over to my room and found my duffle bag . I starting to grab my things and stuff them in my bag . He was quick on my heels , so quick , I didn 't even hear him behind me until I turned around . " You don 't want me here … so I 'm leaving . I can tell that I have worn out my welcome . Don 't worry about me . I 'll be alright . " " No ! Abby I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to offend you that badly , I was just trying to get the message across to you a little more firmly , I didn 't intend to make you feel unwelcome . " His words didn 't even reach my ears , I didn 't allow them to , and I was infuriated . I thought he was my friend , and here he was lecturing me . I was so hurt by how he made me feel , it is better that I leave , since he had this much of an effect on me . I shoved more clothes in my bag , and threw my teddy bear into it also . I looked around for my purse , spotting it under a chair that was in the corner of the room . I got on my hands and knees to pick it up . Max grabbed me by the arm and forcefully lifted me back up to his level , desperation in his eyes , not wanting me to leave . I couldn 't look at him ; otherwise I might stay and give in to his will . I looked at him for a moment , considering , then shook my head in rejection , and yanked my arm away . His face contorted into a pain that made my heart ache with sorrow . I had to get out of there . There were deeper feelings then I was willing to accept , he had a hold on my heart and that was something I didn 't want . I walked around him , into the living room , and grabbed my Ipod off the table in front of the couch . Max still hot on my trail , making one last effort to exterminate my attempts of an exit out of his house , and life . I was certain that he would open the door and follow me , but he had not . A part of me wished he had , but then the other part of me was relieved he hadn 't . If he would have , things would be a lot more complicated , and I didn 't want to have to deal with any complications . I walked down the hall , passing other people 's apartment doors and wondered what was going on behind them . If any of the other residents knew what was going on behind Max 's door , things would be a lot more interesting , and gossip would be on system overload . I rounded the corner and approached the staircase . I grabbed the railing , and for a split second , I could have sworn that I heard someone behind me . Adrenaline rushed up from the base of my feet , through my stomach and up to my brain , as the thought of Max snuck into my thoughts . I turned around slowly , but no one was there . That was strange , I know I heard someone behind me … maybe it was just someone walking past . I resumed my pace down the stairs , putting my headphones in my ear , and scanning through the songs , trying to find one that suited my current mood . I came up on Fall Out Boy . I had been listening to them a lot lately , and they had different moods for every song , and my current mood was … confused . I found the song I wanted to listen to , and turned it up . I was on the last staircase , and came up to the exit . Opening the door , I now wondered where the hell I was going to go . I had no idea , once again , where I was going to go . I should have just given into Max , then I wouldn 't have to worry this . But then I would have him breathing down my neck about cleanliness and who knows what else . I was weak in the knees for him , subconsciously I knew this , but would constantly battle this thought ; not wanting it to be true . I liked him a lot , and what he said to me earlier , hurt me more because of this fact . If he were just a friend or someone that I had casual feelings for , I would have just said screw you , and cleaned up . But because I felt more for him , embarrassment , and shame played a key role in my leaving . Along with annoyance and aggravation . Love and sympathy played a major part in our relationship . He loved me , and I had no sympathy for how he felt . At least I never let him think that . But because of his loose lips , now he was loosing me entirely . And that was something that neither of us wanted , him being more vocal about this . It was dark out , but the streets were lit by lamps that beamed down onto the streets . I walked slowly , contemplating what I should do . I searched through my bag , looking for my wallet . I forgot how much cash I had on my since Max had been footing the bill for most of the stuff I needed . I shouldn 't have let him do that . I reached all the way to the bottom of my bag and finally found it , I pulled it out and saw that I had about fifty dollars . Great ! Looks like it will be a cheap hotel . Oh well ! It 's only for tonight , then tomorrow I will look for a more permanent place of residence . Stupid Max ! Why do I have to react to things so immaturely ? Maybe it 's not too late to go back . I turned around and looked back towards the direction to his house . I was startled to see a shadowy figure behind me . I quickly turned back around and resumed my walking , not fully sure if this person was following me . I was just being crazy ; there are other people who could be walking around at this time too . But it was very late , and there really wasn 't anyone else walking down this street . Paranoia always got the better of me , and I started muttering to myself again , music blaring in my ears . " Relax Abby … your doing it again … " I mumbled . My pace quickened and I was approaching a viaduct . It was dark , and there were lights running across the upper ceiling of both aisles , illuminating the path ever so slightly . It was very gloomy under there and I hesitated , thinking I should turn back , but I remembered the stranger behind me and decided against it . I was walking fast , trying to keep up a pace that was unfriendly . I looked up to see how much further I would have to go until I was in the clear , and free of the dreariness . A car came rushing through scaring me beyond comprehension , and lighting up the underground passageway of the viaduct . To my horror , I looked forward and spotted the same black shadowed figure standing at the end of the path . As the car passed by , its headlights highlighted his body , and made his eyes glow like a cat . At first I was mystified by what I just saw , and stood frozen in that spot . He noticed this and began walking towards me , closing in on my statuesque posture . My mind screamed for me to move , and my legs tried to budge , but there was no hope of this happening . He was getting closer , and as if by some kind of magic , finally I turned around and began running . I looked up and saw him standing right in front of me again , only at the other end of the viaduct where I had just entered . His eyes were frighteningly luminous , and his face was twisted in an eerie , sadistic , smile that seemed to illustrate what his thoughts intended for me . My breath caught in my throat , and I dropped my wallet . I would have screamed , but along with my breath , my voice was also lodged somewhere between my jaw line and my collarbone . I took a few steps backwards , turned around sprinting back in the other direction . Before I could even mange it , he was right in front of me , and this time , I did scream . Louder than I thought I was capable of . He grabbed me by my shoulders and held me up against the wall . He was laughing , as if my fear were the best entertainment he 'd ever had . Maybe it was ; he was stalking me , and who knows what he wants to do to me now . " Hey pretty girl … you look good enough to eat … " I spit right in his face . " Please don 't do this to me … there 's my wallet on the floor - you can take all of it … just please don 't hurt me … " I said pointing towards where my wallet now lay on the ground . His face grazed over the surface of the ground and spotted my wallet where I had dropped it . His eyes focused for a moment on it , and then returned back over to my face . He laughed loudly , as if what I said was a joke that he must repeat back to his friends later . That 's the impression he gave off . I was confused as to why he was so humored by everything that I had said and done . It seemed like there was this hidden motive behind his pursuing and entrapping me . " Silly girl - that 's not what I want . " He said mockingly , as if I was as stupid as he was treating me . I mustered up as much intensive strength that I had , and swung my fist hard , but he had known this was coming somehow , because his forearm blocked it . My hand felt the severe pain the instant it met his ironclad arm . He let me go and I fell to the floor . As I crouched in pain , hunched over in a fetal position , I was gasping , and holding my hand close to my torso , sobbing . " Why did you go and do that ? " He seemed annoyed with my foolishness , when I tried to hit him . " So you know Max huh ? " He said inquisitively . I spat at him , " No - I have no idea what you 're talking about . " He began to circle around my convex body , just like a lion ready to feed . " Don 't sass me girl … I can hear you thinking about him ! " He bellowed . He paused , as if something else were registering in his mind , his eyes narrowed . " Oh - you like him , do you … ? Well I 'm sure he 'll be very pleased to know what 's about to happen to you . " Sarcasm soaked his words . " Argh … " I moaned painfully , holding my fist close to me . I could feel that some bones were broken . He bent over my weak body and prepared to do what he set out to do . He grabbed me and pulled me up by my hair and slammed me against the concrete wall hard … so hard it knocked the wind out of me . His strength was amazing , he lifted me with such ease , it was as if he were throwing a feather around . He held me there like that while I desperately tried to gasp for air , but got no relief . He stared at me and smiled at my urgency to inhale , he was very malicious , and humored by my lack of breath . I felt my chest freeze , as the last cloud of air stuck inside me , would not release . " Come on little girl … you can do it - breath … " contemptuously he encouraged me . He smelled my hair , and was running his nose along my neck , and jaw line as I gasped for air . I finally felt the reprieve , and the air was free from my lungs , leaving me hyperventilating under his firm , constricting grasp . " There you go … that wasn 't so hard now was it . I bet that felt really good . " He was speaking in a tone , that would more like seemed paired with a doctor or dentist … it was very eerie . I gasped , and coughed , trying to regain control of the situation , or at least attempt to regain control . I struggled , pushing at his face and punching him as hard as I could , with my good hand , but he just chuckled at my failed efforts of trying to hurt him . I scratched and strained , desperately , fighting for my life , feeling it slip into his clutch more then I was willing to let happen . " I like you … you 're feisty . You would be great as one of us . " " Alright - I can see that this might not go as smoothly as I want . So I 'm just gonna take what I need and get outta here . " He said calmly , even though the situation was not so serene . About UsCopyrightTerms of UsePrivacy PolicyCopyright © 2017 HubPages Inc . and respective owners . Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners . HubPages ® is a registered Service Mark of HubPages , Inc . HubPages and Hubbers ( authors ) may earn revenue on this page based on affiliate relationships and advertisements with partners including Amazon , Google , and others . Sign InJoinArts and DesignAutosBooks , Literature , and WritingBusiness and EmploymentEducation and ScienceEntertainment and MediaFamily and ParentingFashion and BeautyFood and CookingGames , Toys , and HobbiesGender and RelationshipsHealthHolidays and CelebrationsHomeHubPages Tutorials and CommunityPersonal FinancePets and AnimalsPolitics and Social IssuesReligion and PhilosophySports and RecreationTechnologyTravel and PlacesBlogHelpAbout UsCopyrightTerms of UsePrivacy PolicyCopyright © 2017 HubPages Inc . and respective owners .
|
I 'm sure you 've heard the phrase " they can hear you smile " . Well they can hear you get nervous also . The customers I deal with will browbeat you into submission if you let them . Never show weakness . We survived another Christmas . Dearth was even more excited this year than most . He was in bed by 9pm on Christmas Eve . He was given instructions to not wake us until after 5 : 30am . He woke us at 5 : 37am . We had a good time . The cats all chipped in where they could be the most disruptive . The highlight of the morning was pulling a joke on Dearth . All the presents , under the tree , were opened . We told Dearth to go out to the car and get another one of his presents out of the trunk . He went outside to get a 36 pack of Brisk ( iced tea ) with a bow on it . While he was doing that I moved the electric guitar ( this is the gift he was hoping to find ) on to the chair he had been sitting on . The reaction was priceless . The best part was that I didn 't have to carry that heavy 36 pack into the apartment . So what does this mean ? Last night I woke up a 2am sweating . Athena was sleeping near ( almost on ) my head . Jo was stretched out the length of my legs . I was on the very edge of the bed . Topaz was sleeping in the middle of the 3 or 4 feet of open space between Jo and Deb . Fine . I got out of bed and went into the living room . I was reading Changes ( book 12 in Jim Butcher 's Dresden Files ) and decided to get a few pages in . I finished the book at 4am . Oops . Oh well . Sleep isn 't as important as finding out what happens to Harry Dresden . I get back to bed . No one has moved . I push Jo over and reclaim my comforter . I toss a bit getting comfortable under the blanket . Jo waits for me to settle and lays back down next to my legs . He makes a point of leaning against me and sliding down . This is to ensure he is as close as physically possible . I heat up fast and Jo 's evil plan pays out . I kick most of the comforter off and he makes a nest of it . He puts a paw on my leg . I guess he just wanted to let me know that it was a good try . I over sleep . I rush out of bed , get showered and dressed for work . I kiss Deb good bye . Athena was still on the pillow and Jo was still in the middle of my comforter . Sigh . . . There is a place down the road from my new workplace . It is Tony 's Hotdogs . It is a little dive that reminds me of every " greasy spoon " eatery I have ever been in . The difference is the menu . They serve hotdogs , coffee , and four or five different flavors of soda . The hotdogs come with chili ( no beans ) , mustard and onions . You have the option of holding the onions and / or the mustard . Cheese or sauerkraut may be added for a . 15 fee ( each ) . There are no sides . There are no desserts . If you want those you will need to go elsewhere . It is simple and fast . The two men behind the counter were friendly and efficient . The customers were mostly men and a lot of them were regulars ( reading papers and chatting on a first name basis with the guys serving the dogs ) . The hotdogs were pretty good . They weren 't the best I 've ever had , but I 'll go back . I don 't recommend asking for ketchup if you are over the age of 10 though . We were watching hockey on TV tonight . The Penguins were playing the Flyers . It is probably the only time we will all cheer for the Penguins . Deb is a Penguins fan , but Dearth and myself will cheer for them because they are playing the Flyers . One funny moment during the game was when the announcer described a great play made by a Pittsburg defenseman . I should note that Dearth and I constantly rib Deb about the Penguins players diving or taking dives ( to draw penalties ) . The announcer says " He makes a terrific diving poke check ! " . Deb 's eyes get big and she gets a bit indignant . " What ? " We had to explain that a poke check is when you knock the puck away from the opposing team using the stick . Of course I couldn 't let it go . " Diving poke checks can only be made by Penguins . " I made sure she wasn 't holding anything that could do me any harm . Dearth almost got kicked when he laughed though . It was a win win comment . Jo was sacked out during the game . Looking very comfy on one of the living room chairs ( made for a human enjoyed by the feline ) . He manages to twist himself up on his back with his legs all going different directions . Dearth can 't help but rub his belly a few times when he walks by him . " He looks too comfy not to mess with . " He told me this as Jo caught him . A few claw marks and a couple noms to the knuckles showed him who was boss . To add insult to injury , everytime Dearth played with Jo 's tummy the silly cat would reposition himself in a way that looked more comfy than the first . I am not a huge sports fan . I could not tell you the names of more than 10 or so professional players . It is not that I am not a loyal fan . I have just never seen the point . I do not receive a check from the team . In fact , they charge me to follow them . I have to pay for team logo items . I have to pay to watch them live . Nope , I like to watch , but I am by no means a rabid follower of any sport . Yesterday we scored tickets to see an Admirals game . They are a local hockey team and are fun to watch . Of all of the sports I like to watch hockey and soccer are my favorites . Both are none stop action and , once you learn the rules , are very interesting to follow . There is a nice ledge to sit on and there were a lot of people moving around . There was also a trumpet player at the far corner of the fountain . He was a large black man . He dressed like a homeless person , but looked warm enough . The music was amazing . When I got closer he was playing with his eyes closed and looked like he was completely absorbed in his music . I put some money in his box and then moved away to watch the people . Most walked right by the man . They avoided looking at him . A few , mostly the ones with kids in tow , would walk slowly by watching him . None of them put any money in . The ones that did put money in would smile and say something if he wasn 't playing at the time . The ones I enjoyed most were the college age students . They normally walked up , put money in the box , and then interact with him . The would speak with him normally touching the man 's shoulder or back . Those scenes raised my spirits . The fact that the younger people would take the time to acknowledge the man , and speak to him , made my day . I think I enjoyed watching that more than the hockey game . It doesn 't happen often , but every now and then I feel quite old . Normally it is my son doing something like not knowing how to use a rotary phone , but today it is more of a physical thing . My back hurts . I don 't think my chair , at work , has enough support . It may be that I am not getting enough excercise . Hell I 'm getting tired just watching a hockey game on the television . My hands hurt . It has been getting cooler and the temperature change is making my arthritis act up . Sometimes it hurts to make a fist . I wince at a firm handshake . I wasn 't sure if I could keep to it or not , but I did . Now I just have to stick to my guns and keep posting . I thought that I would have more trouble than I did , but finding something to post about each day was not as difficult as I thought it would be . I 'll admit that not all of the posts were high quality , but that isn 't the point now is it ? Posting everyday takes a slightly different mind set . I liked it . I think I will try it for a bit to see how it goes . See you next month ! My job has changed . Or rather , my customer base has changed . Instead of working with newspaper reporters and editors I am working with college students and instructors . Don 't get me wrong . I loved most of the customers I dealt with at my last job , but they tended to be aggressive and difficult to deal with . Today I had a good laugh . An instructor called . He needed assistance installing software for one of his students . The software allowed the student to zoom in on text to make it easier to read . The instructor explained that the student was almost blind and needed the software to help him read . His major was Criminal Justice . One huge advantage of working day shift is having a social life . Last week I was able to start attending small group again . This group watches a movie one week and discusses it the week after . Tonight was movie night and we watched " Radio " . It is an amazing movie . This paticular small group is made up of people from our church . Normally there is a theme . For this group it is movies . This is a little outside of the box . A large number of small groups are more of a Bible study . During our discussions we talk about how the movie relates ( or does not ) to God and the Bible . We share a meal first , tonight it was spaghetti , and everyone brings a dish to pass . Then we socialize and eventually move on to the movie or the discussion . It is a lot of fun . Tonight , we were getting back into the car , when I thought . HOLY CRAP ! ! ! I haven 't had a chance to post yet . I hope God forgives me for that little slip up . Good night everyone . I have always found small game hunting more exciting and lot less work . The targets were always small and fast moving . You had to be on your toes . If you did score a rabbit or a bird you would field dress them , wrap the meat in a bread bag , put the bag in your pocket and continue to hunt . Large game ( when I hunted ) consisted more of sitting in a spot ( well travelled by the deer ) and shooting them if they happened by . I had a bad habit of falling asleep as I waited . I 've seen many deer run off as I woke up with a start . If you do get a deer then you have to gut it and drag it back to your car or truck . Dragging an animal that weighs as much as you do is no fun . If you haven 't had a stroke by the time you get back to your vehicle then you have to get it up on to the vehicle or into the trunk . If you are lucky you have come with a group of other hunters and they will usually help you ( provided you don 't rub in the fact that you got one and they did not ) . If you are unlucky . . . Well , that is what they make pain killers and muscle relaxers for . Today they have cell phones and gps units . I hear stories of people talking about a deer ( via text ) before taking the shot . That makes hunting much safer , but takes a little of the excitement out of it as well . Now I feel like my father talking about walking up hill both ways in the snow when he had to go to school . There have been 3 or 4 territorial disputes for the right to camp under the tree . At one point Athena and Joe were both there . It was very touch and go . Several boxing matches broke out . After it was up Jo parked his large body under the tree ( which is sitting on top of our coffee table ) . He has only been down to eat , drink and use the bathroom . He goes right back when he is finished . We have only had to say " No Jo ! " about 50 times thus far . Tomorrow we will trim the tree . That is when the real fun starts . My pumpkin pies made it through the night without anyone walking or sitting on them . Last year Jo decided to do that . You can read that here if you missed it . We are going to our friend 's for lunch and then another family will be at our home for dinner . We are also having cake for Deb 's birthday . This year her birthday actually lands on Thanksgiving . That makes her 29 this year . Yep . Because I 'll be 29 in a few months and she is older than me . So yeah . 29 . . . This morning Topaz ( the oldest cat ) woke me up to play her favorite game . It is the " pounce the moving hand under the pile of blankets " game . There are two comforters and a heavy blanket protecting the moving hand . She knows it is my hand and doesn 't care . She will pounce , jump and dig a the blankets in order to catch me . She has no front claws and is very cute . I love watching the 14 year old cat play like a kitten . Enter Jo . Yes , he is more or less a kitten still ( mentally ) . He also loves this game . He is a good boy and waits until Topaz is done . Then he pounces the pile of blankets . He does this for a few minutes and then removes the top comforter with his ( very much clawed ) front paw . The second one follows . Now there is just the heavy blanket protecting my hand from Jo . It is enough protection ( it is doubled up ) . Deb says something to me at this point and I look up . Silly me . I feel 4 or 5 very sharp Jo claws go into the bottom of my hand . I yell in surprised pain . Bottom ? I look and Jo 's bottom is up in the air . One front leg is cocked under him . His head is tilted upside down and he has the other paw stretched out under the blanket to catch the offending hand . Another Monday morning following yet another Redskins loss . Cowgirls fans are as annoying as ever ; someone jacked my morning newspaper ; and there is no milk for my CAP ' N CRUNCH . . . thank GOD I have a sense of humor . ( LOL ) I can live with the Redskins losing . The Giants lost so I can simpathize . I can even put up with the missing newspaper , but dude ! Someone is getting whooped for milkless captain crunch ! Food service is probably the most diverse group . Young people , old people , middle aged people , dark skin , light skin and somewhere in between skin . The attitudes are mostly the same . Bad . This is not always true , but food service is not usually the target job for most people . So , most do not or will not give their all when working food service . The military is also very diverse . Every person is an individual and makes it a point to be that way , but , people in the military tend to be of similar mind sets . Very few accept criticism well . They will ( usually ) do what they are told when they are told to do it . They will bitch the entire time they are doing it . It is a job they love to hate . IT , although diverse as far as age and skin color go , are the same from job to job . I walked into my new job this morning and after 10 minutes I knew them . I had worked with everyone of these people over the last 10 years . Their faces were different , their names were different , but it was the same networking guy who knows everything . He knows everything because he just " gets it " . There is the the guy / lady who runs around asking everyone else questions . There are the two guys in the corner that answer all of the questions . There are about 10 other stereotypes I could throw in , but you get it by now . It is a new job located in a different office . All of the people are the same . IT people are funny that way . I guess that is why I love IT . Yesterday morning I was in the kitchen for a couple of hours . Making biscuits , eggs and bean soup for later in the day . In the end I had one little burn on my finger from soup splashing on it . Dearth was helping with dishes for a grand total of about 10 minutes in the kitchen . During that time he managed to break a small bowl and get several cuts on the inside of his middle finger . Nothing serious , but it did require a band aid . Not to be outdone . Deb is making milk shakes and using a cheap ceramic handled ice cream scoop for a total of about 5 minutes . The handle breaks and she gashes her thumb . It is a good one and probably could have used a few stitches , but she settled for wrapping it well and putting a splint on it ( to keep it from reopening ) . I get dressed and walk out to get my shoes and jackets . The living room ( the location of shoes , jackets and the front door ) is covered with sleeping bodies . So I carefully step over the lot of them , get dressed and sit with the girls until my friend gets back . When I return they are still in the same spots . I normally make breakfast for everyone and today was no different . We had pancakes the night before ( we thought it would be fun ) so I made biscuits . Then I used to the metal ring , from the biscuit cutter , as a mold for the eggs . A friend of a friend was desperate . She has a new baby and a new puppy . She was going back to PA for a visit and her mother did not want the puppy up there . So the friend asked us to watch the poor puppy . I 'm thinking that Topaz would hunt the thing all weekend ( she has done this with other small dogs ) . Athena would probably pounce the puppy over and over ( just to make sure everyone knew who was boss ) . I expected Joe to be civil , unless the puppy decided to play with him . Then it was up in the air . Jo is as likely to play as he is to nom the puppy 's head if that happened . Then the lady calls . She is stuck in traffic and called her Mom back . She was all stressed out and had a very long drive . Her mom caved in and is letting her bring the pup . This was getting me down a little bit . I was really enjoying the sunny weather . Then I went to facebook and someone posted this picture from earlier today . Deb has been without her Kindle ( e - reader ) for 4 days now . It would not charge and then the screen froze up on her . In her defense , she has tried multiple chargers and even followed the instructions for a hard reboot of the device . She found the number almost instantly . She said something unflattering and then used an option to have them call us . The call came in just as she was handing the phone to me . I spoke to a pleasant fellow named Dennis . He asked me what the display was . I told him that it was on the screen saying that it needed to be charged . I also explained that we had tried several chargers without success . I plugged it in as I was explaining this . The charge light came on . I 'm a hero . I fixed the Kindle . I thanked Dennis and he promised to call back tomorrow to make sure everything was ok . " You know Deb ? You are being pretty ungrateful . I did just fix your Kindle . " I hold up the device . " You see ? It is charging and it is no longer frozen . " Tonight is the last overnight shift I have to work ( for a long time ) . I am moving to a new company . My job there will be similar to what I do now . The biggest difference is the opportunity to advance above and beyond the help desk . Have you ever participated in a Secret Santa ? Basically , a group of people buy gifts . We generally set a minimum price and if someone wants to spend more than that it is up to them . All of the gifts are wrapped and placed on a table . Numbers are chosen randomly and then the number holders ( in numerical order ) choose a gift from the pile . It is considered poor form to choose the gift you purchased . One of the places I worked at used to do this . The funniest gift I ever saw was a pair of old men 's underwear . That 's right . Underwear . Old , whitey tighty men 's underwear . So old that there were wear holes and the fabric was slightly grey . The person receiving the gift was perfect . If I had to choose one person in the whole room to get that gift it would have been him . He is very likable , but very spastic as well . That means he is a lot of fun to get wound up . When he opened the gift it was priceless . His jaw dropped slightly . His eyes got real big . You could see anger , disbelief , shock and just a little bit of amusement flash across his face . " Drawers ? " There had to be at least 30 people at that party . All of us were laughing . Tears were streaming down my face . He ranted for a good 5 minutes . The gift giver happened to be a real good friend of his . So , he did not go up to him until the party was almost over . The gift giver 's plan was to take the recipient out to eat ( and he did eventually ) , but when his friend got the old underwear he dragged it out for as long as he could . Friends and family are an important part of our life . Being a friend and / or part of a family comes with responsibilities . To us those responsibilities usually involve helping out when needed . The help could mean babysitting or giving them a ride . It could mean helping them move their entire house . It might be acting as a sounding board for grievances . We chip in when needed or asked ( if it is possible ) . It should also be noted that we do not do this because we want to . We don 't bust our asses for three days straight because we want you to like us more . Listening to five screaming children on a Friday night is not what we consider a good time . We do these things because you asked for or needed assistance . Want has nothing to do with it . If you are a friend then you are part of the family . If family needs help then we help . Posted by The cats waited for me , by the door , all night . They are used to me coming home around 10 : 30pm , getting some attention and then going to bed with me and Deb . I received three disapproving looks when I walked through the door at 7 : 30am . I remember getting deployed for Somalia . I got a tetanus shot in one arm and a yellow fever booster shot in the other . I filled out a last will and testament and signed a letter of attorney for my wife . There was a curtain at the end of the line . It was about chest high and medics were back there . He laughs . It hurts . I don 't think he was very gentle . We left on a plane and we fly for over 10 hours . More than half of us only sat on one cheek . I remember working 30 straight days before getting a day off . I was in Cairo Egypt . This was the staging area for C - 141s going to Somalia . One of the locals exchanged pens with me for Christmas . He got a much better pen . It was probably his plan . He was Muslim . I remember starting at one end of the line , guiding planes into parking spots . Once the line was full we would start refueling them . The crews would board after we refueled and wait until the last one was finished . Then we would launch all of them . If there was time we would catch some sleep and then repeat the whole thing over again . Three or four of us would handle about 7 planes at a time . I remember getting two Army Privates to help , me and another crew chief , charge up the hydraulic pumps . This is a two man job that requires pumping a handle around 400 strokes . The handle gets progressively harder to pump as it charges so we paired up and took turns . After this was done I started the auxiliary power unit ( a small jet engine located in the left wheel well ) so the two soldiers would have heat and light while on guard duty . I worked the overnight shift and it would drop down to near freezing . I remember having to unclog a stopped toilet on one of the planes . No plunger . Only a rubber glove that reached to the shoulder . I pulled a roll of toilet paper out . I remember exchanging MRE recipes with a group of Marines . They had more to offer than I did . They ate a lot more of them than I did . I look to the back and see a military casket covered with an American flag . I assist another crew chief , two load masters and two cargo handlers . We transfer the soldier to a waiting vehicle . I asked a co - worker what he was doing here so late and he replied that it was only 5 : 45 . Damnit ! I thought it was like 7 . I start my shift at 2pm so the darkness makes the work day seem much longer . I have worked a lot of overnight shifts , but I am still not a troll ( or a vampire if you prefer ) . I like the daylight and I can not wait until it returns . Once I confirmed that we had no one on the desk that spoke German she said she would do her best with her poor English . She struggled , but did pretty well . Evidently she has been following this Michael Jackson trial , from Munich Germany , and is very upset with the outcome . Michael was a big boy and made his own choices . Why should the doctor be punished for this ? It took her about 10 minutes to say all of this . I listened very closely and added appropriate guttural noises when necessary ( hmmm , mmmhmmm , oooo , etc . . . ) . After she finished she repeated everything in rapid fire German . Then we talked about the time and weather in our respective cities and we parted ways . I guess the only thing she wanted to do was vent her opinion , on this issue , to a citizen of the United States . I never did tell her that I had no opinion on the topic and didn 't care in the slightest . I emailed the onsite tech : It 's ok . She hit the " forgot my password " and everything is good now . I feel like a Catholic Priest trying to weasel a confession out of these people . Mom would have liked it shorter , but it did look more like hair when the stylist was finished . His only comment was " I liked her . She didn 't talk much . " I was adjusting Deb 's back . To do this she sits on the floor and crosses her arms in front of her chest . I put one arm on her back , lean her back to the floor and press down on her arms with my upper body . Her head tilts back when we do this . So I lean her back and Jo was sitting there . Just as I go to press down Jo leans in and licks her on the mouth . The adjustment didn 't happen . We were laughing too hard . We are at our friend 's house playing cards . Both of the women are eating suckers . At one point it gets a tad loud ( there was no background noise ) . The husband looks at them both and says " Man I wish I were a sucker right now . " The sound changes to loud crunching sounds . Several years ago my father passed away . The number of years really doesn 't matter . He is still very much alive in my memories . I wish I could say this was an idea I came up with , but it wasn 't . I was first introduced to this concept when I read Kurt Vonnegut 's Slaughter House Five . When a Tralfamadorian sees a corpse , all he thinks is that the dead person is in bad condition in that particular moment , but that the same person is just fine in plenty of other moments . Now , when I myself hear that somebody is dead , I simply shrug and say what the Tralfamadorians say about dead people , which is ' So it goes . ' ( 2 . 7 . 3 ) This particular conversation took place while I was helping Dad rebuild a lawnmower engine . By help I mean he told me what to do and I did it . The subject was a reoccurring theme . He was telling me how stupid he was because he only had a 9th grade education . After saying this he took the wrench from my hand " No you have to do it like this . See ? " I had been fighting with that task for 3 minutes . He finished the task ( and made it look easy ) in about 10 seconds . Dad then began telling me how much smarter I was than him . I had a high school diploma and a college degree . I worked on computers ( in his mind this made me a lot smarter than him ) . Me : " Look . I fix computers . You fix small engines ( as a hobby ) . I 'm just a different kind of mechanic . Do you want to know what the biggest difference between us is ? " At the time this was the truth . Dad got a good laugh out of that . Since then my fix / trash ratio has improved . He was also pretty good about not calling himself dumb after that . I looked up the recipe online and there were thousands of them . Most agree upon the puffed rice , chili powder , salt , turmeric and curry leaves . All of these were in our friend 's version . After a few small handfuls my mouth goes a bit numb from the chilies . I love that . The only time it is an issue is after the third or fourth handfuls . It starts to get a little hot after that . I woke up around 4am this morning . I needed to use the bathroom . I also noticed that I was cold . It has cooled off quite a bit and the blankets are actually needed . We still have not turned the heater on . It isn 't that cold yet . When I returned from the bathroom I discovered why I was cold . Jo was wrapped up in my blanket and left only enough to cover my shoulders . His back was to me , so I put my very cold feet under the blanket and on his back . It was nice and warm . He got up moved to another spot after about 10 seconds . Score one for me . Next month is National Blog Posting Month . I think that I will go for it and see if I can post every day during November . So watch for the posts . Spread your favorite kind of peanut butter on two slices of bread . The thicker you spread the peanut butter the messier the sandwich will be . I put it on fairly thin . Take four large marshmallows and place them in the pan ( flat side down ) . These will mushroom out and get slightly brown . When this happens you can flip them over to the other flat side . This is the last time you will be able to touch them with your fingers . Once this side mushrooms out knock them to their sides . I like to use two forks for this . Try to brown the marshmallows all the way around . It goes pretty quick once you knock them over . Once the marshmallows are browned use the two forks to place all four of them on one of the slices of bread . Squish them all together with the other slice and enjoy . It should be noted that the hot marshmallows have properties similar to napalm and Greek fire . If you touch one it will stick to you . It will burn and it is there to stay . Licking hot marshmallow off of the above mentioned forks or a finger will burn your tongue . There is my " I told you so " message for the day . Hot marshmallows cool pretty fast once they are smashed in the sandwich . They are only dangerous in and immediately out of the pan . I had a craving for a marshmallow fluff and peanut butter sandwich . I don 't know why . We never keep fluff in the house . We just don 't eat it that often . We did have marshmallows though . I got it on the first try . I used too much peanut butter the first time and it dripped all over the plate and made a mess . It is outrageously good though . A customer calls me this morning around 7am . He is livid because his computer is running slow and no one will fix it . This has been an on going issue . He has rebooted several times ( this only slows things down for the first 20 to 30 minutes ) and nothing will run . He shouldn 't have to come in to work and wait that long for his computer to function properly . He ranted on for about 5 minutes . There is nothing I can do to help him directly . I open a ticket for the local technicians . I also note that there is an open ticket for this issue , but I open another one anyways . This sends an email notification to the customer and usually makes them feel like something has been accomplished . He called me back about 3 minutes later and demanded that I send someone to fix his computer immediately . " Call somebody at home if you have to ! " He was really busting my balls . I calm him down the best I could and attempt to contact someone at his location ( knowing full well that no one will be there until at least 9am ) . As a help desk technician am not supposed to take things personally . This is much more difficult that most people realize . When someone questions your integrity and starts demanding things you can not do it is almost impossible . We are human to . Now I am fired up so I check the ticket history . It turns out that the local techs did try to help him , but he wouldn 't let any of them troubleshoot the issue . He kept telling them to fix it after business hours . Most of them work the same hours as him . Those that work later have other things that are a priority and do not have time to help him . I 'm sorry sir . I 'm all out of " give a shit " now . Have a nice day . When I served in the Air Force a good friend of mine owned a lot of books . Some of these he would read over and over . It took me a long time to understand why . I even questioned him about it on occasion . Well Nick , I understand and I do it myself now . I read books like some people watch movies . If I like them I will read them again . I like to revisit the stories and the characters . After a while they become old friends . The Hobbit is one of these books . I read it at least once a year . Ender 's Game is another , but this book has a tendency to grow legs and disappear from my collection . I purchase a new copy every other year or so and I am happy to do so . I would rather see a child curled up on the couch reading than playing video games ( and I like video games as much as the next child ) . Now that I think about it there are a lot of books I like to re - read . I think it is almost to the point where I find it more difficult to read something new ( unless it is written by an author I like ) . I was reading one of my favorite sci - fi action adventure novels a few days ago . Deb walks in and looks at the book " How many times are you going to read that book ? " I shrug " until I get tired of it . " She rolls her eyes and walks away . She knows I won 't get tired of it . This book is not particularly well written , but the story is about a battle of epic proportions . The characters are larger than life . The villains are larger than life . The book is a complete escape from reality . This is why I read it . It is also why I will read it again . I read to " escape from it all " . If I want reality I will turn on the news or read a paper . I re - read books . Some perverse part of my brain is hoping that this character won 't step on the landmine this time or maybe that character will not get eaten by the dragon when he goes into that cave again . That very same part of my brain is eagerly waiting for that same character to dance on the landmine or hand the dragon some ketchup first . If you have never read a book twice then do yourself a favor . Go find a book you really enjoyed . Read it again . You may find that you have forgotten a lot of things that made the story fun when you read it the first time . I bet you like it just as much the second time as you did the first . We opened the living room shades , turned our chairs around to face the windows and listened to the radio . The bedroom windows had to be checked on occasion . There was a slight problem with poor installation . It was nothing an old curtain could not soak up . Books were read and games were played . Three cats and three humans watched Irene blow away . I cooked by flash light and we ate with the light from outside . We went to sleep with the howling wind as a lullaby . When we woke Irene was gone . Our apartment complex is surrounded by huge pine trees . All of them survived . The area was covered with pine cones , branches and the long slender needles that these trees have . We opened all of the windows and the smell of pine filled the apartment . Branches were moved and the sidewalk was swept clear . The vehicles were checked . We even went to the smoothie shop where Deb works and helped them prepare for customers . They did not lose power so no inventory was lost . They got busy fast when people realized they were open . The owner fed us and we enjoyed the air conditioned dining room when we were finished . It could have been much worse . As it was several people lost their lives during the storm . It may be selfish , but I am glad it was nobody I knew . It is Friday morning and I have been called in early . A few of my coworkers are on vacation and others have been evacuated . I am here to help cover the missing people . Downtown Norfolk is empty . There are cars on the road . There are people on the streets and in the buildings . However , there are even more cars that are not on the road and many people who are not on the street or in the buildings . I was able to park on the 5th floor in the parking garage . That is unheard of at 11am on a Friday morning . Normally I would be on the roof ( the 7th floor ) hoping to find an open spot . Caller : My password to sign on to the computer . ( A little exasperated ) Me : I would be happy to do that . What is your last name ? Caller : ( Very angry now ) WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING FOR MY NAME ! ? Why can 't you people just reset the stupid password ? You don 't need to make a damn ticket for every call . ( Actually , we do ) Me : Ma ' am . We have over 10 , 000 employees . I suppose I could , randomly , start resetting passwords . It would make a lot of people angry . I may even get lucky and reset yours . That could take me a long time though . It would be much faster if I actually knew the name of the person I had to reset the password for . At this point she gave me her information . She was never polite . Some people wake up in the morning and are pissed off because they are still sucking in air . I am extra polite to them . It makes them even angrier . All last week we visited our ( mine and Deb 's ) home town . It is a little town located in New York state . Ripley , NY boarders Pennsylvania and sits on the shore of Lake Erie . It is a beautiful place to visit . We had a great time . Debra 's parents were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary . The next day we went to a Pittsburg Pirates game . The third day we took a break . The rest of the week we spent time with my family ( they live in the same town ) and hers . The week was topped off with a reunion and we left directly for Virginia after that . Returning to work was almost more relaxing than my vacation . We moved a couple of weeks ago . Not far . Two blocks , but we are saving a few hundred dollars a month with the slight down - size . This apartment is downstairs ( bonus ) , but is missing two half baths . We can deal with that . The cats did not like the move , but they have more window space to look out now . So , they are over it . After almost a month without internet we finally have that again . It may not be vital , but you can sure miss it . This apartment complex also has a pool . It is just a short walk from our front door and is very nice on the warm days . Ha ! I made it sound like there were cool days during the Virginia summer . What I meant to say is it is nice on days it does not rain . Last weekend we helped a couple of good friends paint the inside of the home they are trying to sell . Another person helping them was Terry . He 's been a professional painter for 30 years . I learned more about painting in two days than I have in all of the odd painting jobs I 've done over the years . He only took the paint roller away a few times . Terry had a habit of making you feel slow though . Watching that man " cut " ( do the edging ) with a 4 inch brush was amazing . Not only was he faster than the rest of us he was also less messy ( and we were using smaller brushes ) . To top everything off tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary . I 've been married to my lovely wife Debra for 20 years . I still remember saying " I do " . I 'll admit that the memory is a bit fuzzy . That reminds me . I still owe her a proposal . I never really asked her to marry me . I gave her the ring and we just sort of agreed upon it . Fortunately my romance skills have improved over the past 20 years . Happy anniversary Debra . I love you very much . Deb and I were leaving a store and it was already raining . I asked her if she wanted me to get the car and meet her at the door . I 'm a good husband and I do things like that . " No . I won 't melt " . We took about ten steps and God tried . The rain fell in buckets and we were both soaked by the time we got into the car . " You just had to say it didn 't you ? " I took Dearth to the foot specialist today . He had to have an ingrown toenail removed . This is not the first time , so the doctor cut it out and then burn it with acid ( so it would not grow back ) . Dearth didn 't want to go alone ( I don 't blame him ) so I went back with him . We both made it through the needles , but when he started cutting poor Dearth went pale . He told the doctor that he was not feeling well and the doctor leaned him back . I was trying not to look , but I did when he said that . There he was , missing a third of his toe nail and a stick jammed into the open area . I assume this was so the acid could be place more carefully . I broke out into a cold sweat and prayed to God that I wouldn 't pass out . Both of us made it without passing out , but it was close . The doctor was really good about the whole thing . He told us to take our time and brought us water . He handed the water to me even though nothing had been said about me almost passing out . I drank some . It helped . Deb is going to have to handle those types of appointments from now on . I can only pass out so many times in a decade . It is a personal rule . It is also my story and I 'm sticking to it . Deb 's grandfather passed away . We spent a few days in West Virginia for the funeral . He was a pretty amazing man . Farming was his life and that is what most people remember him for , but he also spent two years in the Army . He served under General Patton ( I even heard him refer to the General as " Old Blood and Guts " ) . His life was centered around family and God . Don 't mess with his family and don 't argue to him about God . The first will go poorly for you and the later will be a waste of your time ( you just won 't win ) . I had the honor to be one of the pallbearers and we laid him to rest in a beautiful cemetery in the hills of West Virginia . It is where he grew up and it is a fitting resting place for him . We will miss him . Rest in peace Papa Joe . My boss emails me wanting me to work 6pm to 5am ( my normal shift is 6pm to 2am ) . He was thinking that the normal 5am person would be in . I reminded him that it was a Saturday and no one would be in until 7am . Here is his reply : The morning after the second night ( of having the new bed ) I wake up feeling a little claustrophobic . Athena is snuggled up to my neck . Joe is across my thighs and Topaz is sleeping on my feet . I reach out and I do not feel Deb . I look and she is there , but out of reach . There is room for another body between us . Where do the cats sleep ? On me . What the Hell ? I 'm not even the one who gets cold . I was walking past the rest rooms at our local Walmart . A cute girl in her early twenties comes bouncing out and sits on her boyfriend 's lap . She looked very please with herself . She giggles and leans over close to her boyfriend 's ear . " I just dropped a deuce in the Walmart restroom . " She laughs out loud . She could have at least made an attempt to keep her voice down . Maybe even whisper . I understand that this is a bodily function all humans do . I also understand that women / girls talk to their friends like this ( privately ) . I would even expect to overhear something like this in a dorm . Not in public though . Men like to think of women as sugar and spice . We like to spoil them and treat them as something special . We know you can talk like a sailor , but normally we do not want to hear it . Please don 't shatter our illusions of you . Thank you on behalf of most men . When I worked the overnight shift I would walk through the door around 7 : 30am . All of the four legged members of the family would meet me at the door . All of them would be looking for attention . Now I get home about 2 : 30am . When I come through the door there is no one . Not a sound . I go upstairs and one cat is sleeping on or near Deb 's feet ( sometimes he is in the small of her back ) . One cat ( Athena ) is sleeping on my pillow and Topaz is crashed in the middle of my spot on the bed ( if she isn 't lying in the entrance to the bedroom ) . All of them will give up some of their space to make room for me , but it is grudging . All of them give me the " why are you interrupting our sleep " look . We go through various troubleshooting steps and during this time I hear similar calls being received by co - workers . Now we know there is a company - wide problem and we contact the email team . This information is relayed to the customer . The customer hangs up before realizing that he just asked me to contact him via the same system that is broken . They make me laugh . I have the phone number and will call him back when it is fixed . Saying things like that will often get you accused of being a smart ass . You must be very careful to keep the tone of your voice neutral . It is also important to keep a hand close to your headset microphone . Laughing co - workers are a dead give - away . Understand that we , as a help desk , are not unsympathetic to the customers . We honestly want to help them fix their problems . Our reasons range from honestly wanting to help the person to helping them so I do not have to talk to that stupid asshole anymore . It is in our best interest to resolve problems quickly . That being said , I like it when people do not call me . It means everything is working or our phone system has broken and we haven 't noticed yet . Either way I get paid the same amount of money . Oh , and by the way , we do not change your passwords just so you have to call us for help . I get paid whether I speak to you or not . My goal is to never talk to you and I sure as hell would not do something , on purpose , to make you call me . Joe decided to hop up beside me and play his very favorite game . I don 't indulge him too often because his favorite game usually ends with me bleeding in many places . He loves to be roughed up . The game starts with him lying on his back beside me , stretching a paw out and extending his claws to touch my body . The claw does no real damage and is simply a challenge . It is an invitation to touch his stomach . If you dare the game is on . I will put my hand on his tummy and pull it away fast . When he guards his stomach too closely I grab his face and spin him around . Eventually I am not quick enough and he wraps my hand and arm up with all five pointy ends latched on . The next five minutes are spent trying to minimize the damage he is about to inflict . It is a lot like trying to pull burdocks off of a cotton gloves without removing the gloves from your hands . He doesn 't bite hard enough to break skin and the claws only grab hold ( they do pierce though ) . As long as you don 't jerk back you will not get any serious injuries . With me he is a little rougher than anyone else and the game is pretty spirited . It ends when I am forced to grab his back legs and lift him until he lets go with the other claws and his teeth . I sounds much worse than it is . I was definitely the loser . Both hands and forearms have multiple new scratches and marks from his teeth . I step into the nice hot water hoping that it will finish waking me up . I 'm still a little out of it . I grab my son 's shower gel , ( one of the Axe variants ) lather up and my arms start burn . I look down and my arms are covered in the red shower gel . It has the same color as blood and ( under the shower ) about the same look . Holy crap ! Joe hit an artery . This all goes through my mind in a flash . The adrenaline jump starts me into full consciousness and I have a good laugh . Deb and I were selling smoothies , for a fund raiser , at one of the local middle schools . The kids buy the smoothies with their lunches . We show up with around 300 premade smoothies and then we make another 100 to 200 to keep up with demand . We are there for the entire lunch period which comes in about 6 waves . There is a short rest period in between each wave of children . It is a hard 3 to 4 hours . During one of these breaks I 'm standing beside Deb and I put my arm around her . I behave myself and my hand rests lightly on her hip . She looks at me " You can 't do that . That is sexual harassment . " I wave my left hand at her " I have my get out of sexual harassment ring on . " I resist the urge to grab her bottom . Regardless , I get smacked upside the head for it . We 've been married for 20 years this coming anniversary . We anticipate each other 's reactions and have a pretty good idea what the response to any given question / action will be . I should have grabbed her bottom . The shower is finished and I open the shower curtain to find out that I left my towel hanging on the door . I have to step out of the shower onto the bare floor to get it . I 'm OCD about some things and this is one of them . I hate stepping out of a shower wet . It really bothers me . I like to dry off before stepping out . Having gotten past the OCD crisis I put on my deodorant . I raise my left arm and apply the deodorant with my right hand . The top of the deodorant pops off and plops into the toilet . I reach down and flush the toilet . I am not sticking my hand in there . I open the bathroom door and step out onto Topaz 's tail . The yowl of pain start just before my foot landed on her tail . I jerked my foot back , lost my balance and went shoulder first into the wall . Topaz darted off without being touched . Heart pounding , shoulder throbbing I reach my room . I yank a shirt off of a hanger . The plastic hanger retaliates by snapping off of the metal bar and hitting me in the forehead . I take my time and get dressed without hurting myself or breaking anything . I would like to say that my bit of bad luck ended there , but it didn 't . I made myself a cup of coffee and managed to scald my hand when I picked the cup up quickly . The hot liquid sloshed over the top and onto my hand . Then I took a big sip of the same cup of coffee that just scalded my hand . Yep , I scalded my tongue and mouth also . Life is just hundreds of little things stacked on top of one another . Every now and then the stack teeters and falls . Don 't forget to duck when that happens . The last week has been interesting . It began to snow on the 26th and did not stop until the 27th . When it was done we were covered in about a foot of the nasty cold stuff . Not only did we get buried , but now I had to eat a great big piece of karma pie . My Mother and Sister cheerfully served that up to me as they pointed out that we have had more snow in Virginia then they have in New York this year . Dearth spent the night at our friend 's house so I took the pickup truck to go get him . The snow was still coming down pretty hard when I arrived and I pulled into the drive way without thinking . There is a large dip in the front of their driveway . The pickup is rear wheel drive . When the front of the truck went into the dip the back tires could not get enough traction to move it out . I had my friend jump in the driver 's seat and Dearth and I try to push it out . Just as we were about to start my boss calls my cell . He needs me to cover for the other over night guy . He is snowed in and cannot make it in . My boss is from the same general location of NY that I am . He also knows that I am not afraid to drive in the snow . I tell him that I will go in after I get the truck unstuck and get a short nap ( it was supposed to be my day off ) . Two of my friend 's neighbors lend us their backs and we get the truck unstuck . I didn 't get the nap . I make it to work and find that one of the city plows had done the same thing that I did with the pickup . To add to his pain three more plows were there to help . That entertained me for a few hours as I watched them try to get the big truck unstuck . I didn 't even know the city had that many plows . Of course they do not know how to plow . Single tracks down the middle of three lane roads , unplowed exit ramps and long lines of snow piles in the road are just a few of the things you can look forward to when they plow . When I tried to leave the next morning three lines of snow about a foot and a half high were in front of the parking garage exit . I did my best Dukes of Hazard impression coming out of the garage . I got a little bit of air , plowed through the snow and fish tailed as I made my escape . I only regret not having a horn that played Dixie . You may remember that I said that I didn 't even own a snow shovel ? Well I don 't . So I had to use the small flat shovel in my shed . I used it to shovel off our front sidewalk and three of my neighbor 's . The shovel is about half the length of a typical snow shovel . This means that I was bent over for the entire time . On top of that it is made of metal . It is excellent for breaking up the ice , but snow sticks to it . To keep the snow from sticking I had to give the shovel a pretty hard snap to shake the snow off of each scoop . The next day was painful . I could hardly stand up straight . I 'm sure there were some muscles that weren 't tender , but I couldn 't find them . After the sun dried up the little bit I missed , maintenance came by and salted the nice dry sidewalk ( morons ) . It has warmed up again . I only needed a sweat shirt to go outside today and most of the snow is melted away . Hopefully that will be the last of it for some years . Happy New Year everyone !
|
Bonnie watched the film to the end , and was quite tired herself . She chose a bedroom upstairs . They were both neat and tidy , but she just chose by appearance , the one she liked most . She undressed and got into bed . It was too hot , too many layers . She folded a couple of sheets and got back in . She thought about Nancy and the house and what she was going to do . What am I doing ? she thought . Well , I have somewhere to stay tonight , and I haven 't spent much money . That 's a success , I suppose . She began to think ahead and was asleep before she 'd made any decisions . After two days of watching daytime TV and feeling brain dead , Natalie went for a walk . Damn , she was confused . Everything had seemed so simple in the planning , but now that she was free , she felt bewildered . Only natural , she supposed ; the reality is never quite what you expect it to be . It will just take time , that 's all . She wondered if she should move , go somewhere else . Would she feel any different ? She ended up at the train station , looked at all the destinations , tried to figure out where she wanted to be , had no idea . She sat on a bench and watched the teeming crowds ; they all knew where they were going ; they had a purpose . As much as she had hated home , at least her days were set out for her , now she had to make decisions - and she wasn 't used to it . She couldn 't make a decision . Eventually , feeling defeated , she walked back into the town , and back to the hotel . In her room she studied herself in the mirror ; need to tidy the hair up a bit . She thought she still looked fifteen , but who was taking any notice ? No one ; as long as you had the money , they didn 't care . She freshened up , and then made an appointment to get her hair done ; still half the day to go . Her life , even in the holidays , had been fairly regimented ; she spent most of it avoiding her mother and brother , perhaps a few friends here and there , nobody was close , nobody . But even when there had been nothing to do , there had been something to do . Now , with the whole country at her mercy , money in her pocket , she felt a bit lost ; what did people do ? She didn 't like boys , yet . She liked reading but couldn 't concentrate . She wasn 't very interested in television . She hated technology apart from its obvious uses ; she 'd never gone on Face Book or Twitter - she understood it all , it came naturally ; she 'd whizzed through Adam 's stuff , gleaned his passwords , worked out what he was up to . But all the inane chatter , the manufactured emotion and outrage , the bullying , the sex ; she didn 't want anything to do with all that , had just sidestepped it . Although now , it meant she had nothing to do , nobody to contact . Slow down , you 're expecting too much . You can do this . It will come to you . She was hungry and went to a McDonalds to eat . She had a weakness for junk food , some kind of rebellion against her mother 's health fads . She looked around her as she ate . A lot of school kids , fatties and families - same as everywhere else . What was she going to do ? Bonnie woke early the next day . She hadn 't drawn the curtains and the brightness at five o ' clock woke her ; she tried to go back to sleep but it wouldn 't come . She lay for an hour thinking about it , and then got up . Nancy was still asleep or at least not stirring . There was no shower , so she had a quick bath . It was an old fashioned bathroom , but it had been modernised ; there was a new boiler that heated the water at certain times of the day , and there was hot water now , plenty of it . The room had been recently painted , everything was ordered and neat . She found a fresh towel , dressed and moved to the kitchen . She raided the fridge for breakfast , wondered if she should wait , but was very hungry . Perhaps it would be cheeky to make breakfast for Nancy ; she made herself a small fry up , tea and explored the house . Later she heard Nancy moving around upstairs . She was sure that Nancy would not remember her , so she made a pot of tea , not too strong , and sat at the kitchen table . Nancy came into the kitchen fully dressed ; she wasn 't surprised to see Bonnie , merely said , and sat down , as though the situation was quite normal . Bonnie poured two cups and handed Nancy hers , sat down again . It was as though she 'd slightly refreshed her memory through the night , absorbed what had happened and retained it . Bonnie wondered if , being sharper than she 'd thought , Nancy would ask her to go , be more inquisitive , perhaps that would come . She sipped her tea . It was about eight o ' clock , the sun was up , another lovely day ; she was going to comment on it , but decided to wait . ' In that case , I 'd rather you didn 't stay . I 'm not completely gone , I have my moments of complete lucidity and I 'm quite happy . I have good days and bad days . You can stay for a few days ; perhaps you need to decide what to do . I let you stay last night because I had the feeling I could trust you , that you wouldn 't do anything horrible . Stay for a few days , my dear , I don 't really want to know why you 're here . ' Bonnie kept her word . She stayed for four days . She mowed the lawn , did the shopping , a few chores and generally made herself useful . Nancy didn 't say much . She had no interest in why Bonnie was there ; they spoke here and there but only when really necessary , chatted a little bit about nothing much . Nancy was quite sharp in the mornings . She tired as the day went on , became a little confused ; she was on the way , but had a way to go yet . On the fifth day Bonnie got up early and ate breakfast . She fixed some toast and tea for Nancy , who was regular in her habits . She packed the little she had and was ready to leave when Nancy came into the kitchen . ' Goodbye , Bonnie . It was lovely to meet you . You were so useful I 'm tempted to ask you to stay , but I think it 's better that you go . ' Natalie returned to McDonalds , partly for the sake of economy , partly because she had a weakness for junk food and partly because she was becoming a creature of habit - already . The restaurant was nearly full , the window seats were taken . The place was narrow , just one long aisle , leading to the counter . It must have been converted rather than a new build ; the new ones were always much larger . She walked up the aisle until she found an empty table . She ordered a cheese burger and a coffee , was feeling depressed because she was still here , still no idea where to go and no idea what to do when she got there . She 'd been away for seven days , extended her stay , and she was stuck . Stuck in Birmingham . Across the aisle a girl sat alone . She had a burger and a coffee . She didn 't look at anybody , stared at her food or gazed into the middle - distance , over everyone 's heads . She wore jeans , clean , but seen better days , and what looked like a man 's white shirt done up to the neck ; a tatty fleece hung on the back of her seat , old trainers that had been cleaned up . She seemed to possess a self - assurance though . She had a purpose about her even though she was doing nothing . Natalie wanted to talk to her , but the girl finished her meal and coffee quickly and left , without making eye contact with anyone . Shame . Perhaps she 'd see her again . Bonnie was amazed that they wouldn 't accept cash ; they wanted ID too , which she didn 't have . No credit card . No ID . She eventually found somewhere that accepted her story that she was waiting for ID due to losing her credit card . They accepted her cash and asked no questions . They offered dorms , quadruples , doubles and singles . A single was thirty pounds , more than she wanted to pay . She really did not want company . She 'd never had much of it , never liked it and she didn 't want to speak to anybody . She decided on a double for a few days . It was twenty pounds , still more than she wanted to pay , but then she really didn 't want to spend anything . The double room had nobody else in it yet . Perfect . She used the communal facilities and spoke to no one unless it was essential . She didn 't like it , didn 't like the company , didn 't like the jovial ' let 's all be friends ' atmosphere . She stowed her things but soon got depressed with her surroundings . She bought a burger and a coffee at McDonalds , tried not to interact with anybody . She did notice a dark haired girl staring at her . She was alone , young , confident looking . Bonnie ignored her , finished her food , returned to the room , read the local paper and went to bed . She slept late ; there was nothing else to do . She needed to make a plan , find a job . She should have decided all that at Nancy 's , but she 'd been enjoying herself . She went for a walk , browsed in some shops until she was hungry and returned to McDonalds , trying to think , but nothing would come . Natalie woke early , had breakfast in the lobby and went for a walk . She browsed the clothes shops , book shops and charity shops , then went for a stroll in a park . It was a bright sunny day again ; the park was full of families and school kids , young and older , normal people doing normal things . She found a dead tree near the edge of the park ; she liked dead trees , nothing against live ones , but there was something about the dead ones : they still changed shape and they looked good against the sky . They stayed around for ages if left alone ; she liked to draw them . She found a spot in the shade and leaned on the tree : it felt good , peaceful . She tried to read the book she had bought , but she couldn 't even get to the end of a paragraph . It wasn 't the book , it was her . All that planning . She had to get free . Well , here she was : free . And she had no idea what to do . She knew where she wanted to end up , abroad eventually , but the getting there : she just hadn 't thought about it . She thought freedom would be enough , but all it had brought was this blank mind . She didn 't know what to do . A boy tried to chat her up . He was very confident , didn 't expect to be refused and very persistent , good looking she supposed but she didn 't really know . She tried to ignore him and then several times , politely , she didn 't know any other way , told him she was not interested . She waited until about four and decided to try McDonalds again . She hoped to see the girl again . As she entered she saw her straight away . The place was almost empty and she sat by the window . Natalie took the next table , so she was facing her . She tried to make eye contact , but the girl looked everywhere but at her . She finished her food and decided to try . She wasn 't frightened at all ; she thought she 'd recognised something ; all the people she 'd seen , they just floated by , they didn 't mean anything . She just had a feeling she might get on with this girl ; it would be a first if she could . She went and sat opposite her table . ' I 'm fifteen ' , she said . ' I 've left home . I 'm staying at the Hilton . I 'm wondering what to do next . What are you up to ? ' The girl finished her coffee , collected her stuff and left , all as though Natalie was not there . Unhurried . She didn 't look back . Natalie watched her as she disappeared along the street : the same clothes as yesterday , slim , quite tall , short hair , no particular style to it , an easy - going walk , confident , and , despite her scruffiness , very appealing , though she didn 't know why . Cool , thought Natalie . Very cool . I 'll try again . It gave her something to focus on . When Bonnie returned she found someone had moved into the room , another girl , very friendly , very talkative . Bonnie didn 't want to talk , wasn 't interested in where the girl came from or where she was going . She tried not to be rude but the girl was thick skinned or stupid or both and no reaction or lack of it from Bonnie would dissuade her from talking . Bonnie decided she had to leave , but she wasn 't sure what to do , where to go . She didn 't want to spend much money before she found a job . But where ? The north was depressed , it wasn 't much better elsewhere . Perhaps she could stay another night or two and work it out . Whatever job she took would be minimum wage ; any difference between minimum wage here or in the south ? Try London , maybe , she didn 't know . She told the girl she wanted to sleep and turned away from her , face to the wall . She thought about the girl who had stared at her , and then spoke to her . She didn 't want any friends . She was full of life though , those big excited eyes , her own age , confident . And she was staying at the Hilton ? How weird . Perhaps if she went back to McDonalds . What did she want ? Why did she speak to me ? Natalie was in McDonalds again in the late afternoon . She figured the girl might come in at the same time every day . The restaurant was crowded . Natalie sat by the window , kept the opposite seat vacant . She was glad to see the place fill up . She saw the girl on the street , same clothes , same casual movement . She gave her a friendly wave through the window . Bonnie glared at her . She walked straight to the table and sat down without ordering . Bonnie stared at her . She was well - spoken . A round and very pretty face , great big , wide lively eyes , blue or grey , she wasn 't sure , they changed . Bonnie continued staring . She couldn 't think of anything to say . Staring was easy so she stared . Natalie didn 't blink , she just smiled , a lovely smile , perfect teeth , strange lips , full and wide under a little slightly turned up nose . ' OK . Let me tell you about myself . I 'm fifteen . I was fed up with my family . I stole loads of money from my step dad and left . I 'm not going back . ' ' I can 't help what I am . I 'm quite serious . I 'm not messing about . I hated every minute in that house . I got myself free and I 'm not going back . Tell me what you 're doing . ' Bonnie looked into her face . She wasn 't boasting . She was just stating a fact . You 're poor , I 'm not . She didn 't seem snobby , just jumpy and excited , staring with those big , now blue , eyes and waiting for a reply . Her foot was tap , tap , tapping under the table . ' Because my plan was just getting myself free . I 've done that and now I don 't know what to do . And there 's something about you . I just feel like I can trust you . You can 't do me any harm , can you ? You 're not going to bang me over the head or anything . Why not work together ? I really don 't know what to do . Perhaps we could work something out . What have you got to lose ? ' Bonnie thought about it , or gave the appearance of thinking about it . Was there any choice ? She was sure Natalie was playing , would go home when whatever money she had ran out , but everything was proving more difficult than she 'd imagined . She didn 't really want to go back to her room . She didn 't want to deal with Miss Motormouth . Here was someone doing the same stuff , not really sure what she was doing . She didn 't really know what she was doing either , but no point in telling Natalie that , although she suspected Natalie wouldn 't care . Was there anything to lose ? Those big blue eyes . Or were they grey ? They were dancing , sparkling . She was smiling nervously , afraid of the answer . Why did a girl like this leave home ? Bonnie 's logical mind was a bit flustered . She was staring and not thinking any more . Natalie moved a hand over the table and laid it on Bonnie 's . It was an unconscious gesture and normally Bonnie would have flinched , but she didn 't . ' Let 's have a drink , ' said Natalie . ' We 'll stop on the way . The hotel is a bit stuffy . I don 't normally drink , well , hardly had a chance , but I feel like it now . This is exciting . ' They stopped at a bar along the way , a wine bar , half full , where it was possible to sit and talk . Their age was not questioned and Natalie ordered a bottle of white wine , house white ; they sat in a booth as far away from others as possible . It was still early and fairly quiet . ' I just didn 't . I wanted to do this on my own . I got scared , and meeting you , it seemed too good to be true . But I don 't want your money . I 'm not sure why I 'm here . ' ' Oh , don 't worry about the money . I 've got loads . This is fate , it must be . Two girls leave home at the same time and meet up like this , it 's got to be fate . Two heads are better than one . I 've got money , you haven 't . So what ? Now we can work out what to do . ' ' Right . Well , tell me about yourself . You 're on your own . How did you come to be here ? What are you doing ? Where are you going ? ' ' My parents died . There 's nobody else . I left , a week ago . I 've got a bit of money , not much . Since then I 've just been wandering . ' ' I really don 't know . I knew I had to get away . Now I 'm away , I 'm not sure what to do . ' ' I know exactly what you mean . I planned this for ages . I had everything worked out . I got free , got a hotel , sat down , and thought : What am I going to now ? And you know what ? I don 't know what to do . ' ' Yes . I took it from my step dad . My mum 's away , and my brother , Lard Boy . Adam plays the stock market , does loads of stuff on the Internet . I just watched him for a year and blackmailed him . He needs mum and he 's got women on the side . He 's into porn and kids . It was really quite easy . Mum 's away until school starts , it might change a bit then , but they won 't find me . I 'm not going back , seriously . ' ' Are you sure ? And the money , surely it won 't last forever . I don 't want to know how much you 've got , but when it runs out : What do you do ? ' ' It 's not running out for a long time . I know what you mean , you think I 'm just playing . I 'm not . I don 't know what I 'll do , but I 'll do something , and I 'm not going to worry about that yet . It 's a long , long way off . ' ' Beyond getting free , I didn 't really have any . I had to find somewhere to stay , but everywhere is really expensive , and then find a job . What else can I do ? ' ' Hmm , I see . You 're in a different position to me , much harder . I 'll help you . We 'll stick together and work something out . ' ' I was doing alright . It 's quite weird to come across someone with lots of money who just wants to share it . Maybe I should stay as I am . I 'm strong . I 'll get myself together and work this out . ' ' Right . I see what you mean . We 've only known each other ten minutes . Well , you 're coming back to the hotel . We 'll sleep on it . We 'll go somewhere else tomorrow . If you don 't believe in me , you can leave , but let 's give it a week or two . You think I 'm soft . Well , I 'm not . Can 't expect you to realise that yet though . It 's early . Let 's see how it goes . ' Bonnie was befuddled , Natalie could see that . She 'd hit her too hard with stuff , and made an offer that was very difficult to refuse . But she had to get it all out quickly to try and make her stay . Bonnie didn 't want it though . Natalie admired that . Bonnie was alone with not much going for her . There was loads going on behind the front , but she was still here . Such a severe face , no smile , not even a hint of it . That thin serious face , a permanent frown . Her skin was white , translucent almost ; high cheekbones tapering to a thin pretty lips . She couldn 't hide the prettiness , not with the frown , not with anything . Her hair was dark and short , like maybe she 'd cut it herself , a fringe combed right to left and hanging just above her eyebrows , the eyebrows trimmed but not sculpted ; there was a gap in one of the eyebrows , a tiny bald piece of skin that was a scar on closer inspection , just on the right of the left eyebrow . The nose was straight and normal , if a nose could be normal , not turned up like hers . She hadn 't seen any teeth yet . The shirt buttoned to the neck , a medium bust , the old fleece , the scruffy hair . She 's be a mess if she wasn 't so … if she wasn 't so … Bonnie thought about it . Very hard to argue with the logic . Everything she felt said one thing : get away , but Jesus , where was the harm in giving it a try ? And it would solve her money problems for now , while she figured things out . They woke next day with mild hangovers , but not enough to conceal their excitement , well , Natalie was excited . Bonnie was a little bit into herself . Natalie assumed that was normal and ignored it . ' Oh , for God 's sake stop it . We 're giving this a try . I don 't want to know anything about you and just for now what 's mine is yours , or for now use your own money . I don 't care . Can we just get on with it ? ' ' I don 't want to go to London yet . I 'm not sure why . Natalie , even though you 've got plenty of money , you need to think about the future . Maybe you won 't always have it . How much is this place costing you ? ' ' I know . But for now I 'm not going to worry about it . Not for a few weeks . I 'm free , you 're free . I want to enjoy it . Shall we make a plan or buy some clothes , ' said Natalie . ' Well , you 're useless , ' said Natalie . ' I know it 's different for you and all that , but here you are . We have money , you 're free . Wake up . Start enjoying yourself . ' ' So , tell me about you . You 're parents are gone , you 're from Bradford and you haven 't been anywhere . What else is there ? ' ' Of course there is . What do you want to do ? Any boyfriends ? What was it like when your parents were alive ? Where did you go to school ? ' ' There 's nothing to tell . Survive . No boyfriends . Horrible . School . I don 't talk much , unless I have something to say . ' ' Right . I can see we 're going to get along splendidly . You don 't have any opinions on anything ? Nothing makes you angry , sad or miserable ? ' ' Why on earth are you thinking about that now ? Look , I 've got plenty , even if it stopped tomorrow , I 've got plenty . I am not going to think about that yet . We 'll start planning later . Let 's just enjoy ourselves for a while . ' They were both dressed in jeans and t - shirts , looking younger than eighteen , but nobody had worried them with that yet . They could both look older , but were also able to look younger , and today they did . Natalie was a dark haired blonde ; Bonnie was dark anyway ; their hair was short , they were both very good looking in different ways . They wandered to the town centre , browsed clothe stores , drank coffee . Natalie bought Bonnie a new bag , a couple of new t - shirts , jeans , a jacket , something warmer in case it got cooler . Neither of them had a phone or anything else technical ; they left it that way . Towards evening they went back to the hotel , changed into smarter clothes and went out again . They were asked for ID for the first time in the first pub , but were alright in the second . They ordered a bottle of wine and sat in a quiet pub without a television , the sort of rare place now where people might just want to talk . It was early and would get busy later . ' I 'm fairly ordinary . I have nightmares about ending up like my mother . She 's enormous , which is her own fault , but she 's no oil painting anyway . My real dad was okay , what I can remember of him . I just have to hope I take after him . ' ' No , I 'm not . I 'm ordinary looking though , just reasonable . There are hundreds , thousands like me . I don 't have an ordinary personality . I very much grant you that . ' A large crowd entered the bar . It looked like a party , young people , probably students . They were boisterous and happy , made a lot of noise taking two tables . They waited for them to settle down . ' I hardly knew my dad . He left quite early when I was eight or nine . Step dad moved in four years ago . Mum thought he was rich , but he wasn 't , it wasn 't real money . But mum had some money , she was already wealthy and dad left her with more . Step dad , Adam , used that and he 's quite rich at the moment . Millions . It may not last , but it won 't end overnight . He 's slowed down a bit , he 's not going anywhere unless he finds a richer woman and that 's unlikely . After dad left and Adam arrived mum just ate and pretended to be busy with charities and stuff , but she doesn 't do anything but get fat . She must have put on three or four stone since Adam arrived . I suppose he does stuff to her , perhaps he likes it , I don 't know . My younger brother 's just a dickhead . He 's got every technological thing going : computer , I - phone , I - pad , everything , but he doesn 't know anything , he 's completely spoiled , mummy 's favourite . I hate him . ' ' Yes , till September . She probably doesn 't even know I 'm gone . I 'm sure she doesn 't . She 'll probably cause a fuss when she gets back . But she ignored me for fifteen years , I don 't see why she should . I 'll deal with that when it happens . ' ' Are you sure ? She may have ignored you , probably took you for granted . But she 's still a mum , you 're her daughter , she 's expecting you to be around . Her feelings will change , and you 'll make her look bad . She can 't let it go . Even if she wanted to , she can 't . There are all sorts of pressures , school , the neighbours , she will make a fuss . She 'll get the police involved , and social services . Have you thought about that ? ' ' Nobody cares , ' said Bonnie , ' I was the media 's tragic story for two weeks . I bet not one of the people who read about me , felt concerned for me , even remembers my name . That 's just fine . But how will you deal with your mother ? ' They were still in Birmingham a few days later . Bonnie tried to get Natalie to move out of the Hilton , but she wouldn 't . There had been no sign of anyone looking for Natalie . Nobody would be looking for Bonnie . ' I don 't really know . He plays the markets , perhaps he does other stuff , but he makes money . I just knew what he had , in his accounts , on his cards and I knew how to access his accounts and cards . How he actually made the money , I don 't know , I don 't understand it , but it really is millions . ' ' I saved five thousand . I have all that . He 's got loads of debit and credit cards . I picked one that he 's never used . It 's a debit card and he has twenty five thousand in an account that he 's never touched , minus what I 've spent . That 's what I 've got . I 've got his debit card . I 've still got twenty and a bit thousand , plus my five . ' ' ' You don 't have it , do you ? You 've got a thousand or so from where you cashed it in , and your five thousand , but the rest is still on the card , over twenty thousand , and he controls that . Anything could happen , your mother could come home early , Adam might panic , change his mind , the police or social services could get involved . If he 's dodgy , the police might investigate him , discover something . If any of that happened , well , that 's that . You 've got your five , I have my three , but that wouldn 't last very long would it ? ' ' You don 't have the money until you 've taken it off the card . It 's his money until then . You 've got to empty that card . ' ' Keep it for now , very carefully . You need to find a base , somewhere you can put in safety deposit boxes . You can 't put it in a bank . It 's too much and you 're too young . ' ' No wait , we have until midnight . Look , I don 't care how much money you have , and I didn 't ask for this . Remember that . ' ' Okay . You actually have five thousand but never mind . Hopefully soon that will be more . But if you 're going to do this , then it 's important that you do it properly . ' ' How much money does Adam have ? Wait , hang on before you tell me . Look , this is advice for you . I don 't want your money . I 'm just trying to help you . ' ' Listen . We 've been together for a week . Already I couldn 't do without you . And you like me , I can tell . Shut up . It 's just my luck that I can get this money . I don 't even think of it as mine now . It 's ours . Ours . It 's me and you . Understand ? I don 't want to hear anymore about not wanting my money . It 's our money . It 's us . Shut up . I really , really don 't want to hear any more of this separate stuff . It 's me and you . Here we are . Okay ? ' ' Good . I 'm glad that 's cleared up . Adam has loads . I mean millions . I didn 't really keep up with everything he was doing . I spotted the debit card I wanted , kept an eye on that and monitored his women , the porn , stuff like that . ' ' Right . Your mum doesn 't get home for over a month . As far as we know , he 's going along with this . He hasn 't told anybody , he must just be sitting tight , waiting for your mum to get home . ' ' Phone him . Ask him for more . Before there 's a fuss . Ask him for more and get it in your hands . Don 't depend on the card . Draw out what you have left of the twenty five thousand , and get more , get as much as you can . You 're staying in top hotels . Even if you downgrade , this country is expensive , everywhere . That money won 't last you five minutes . It 'll be gone before you know it . It seemed a lot to you because you 've never had money like that before . But you 'll be skint by Christmas , then what will you do ? Get a job ? What would you do ? Minimum wage , that 's the best you could do . Phone him . Get another card or two . Get some more money . As much as you can . ' ' And I worked out what I was going to do , ways I might be able to survive . You 've planned this , but you haven 't thought it through . You had more options . You asked me to come along . I didn 't want to but I have . Here I am . If you really want to do this you have to get as much as you can . You 've done it now . You can go home in six months , or you can do it properly . Look at the chance you have . Get more money . Phone him tomorrow . ' I wrote the complete first draft in three months . I was interested in two girls who didn 't like the world they were in and decided to do something about it . They reject the surrounding world completely and create their own . I am doing this , of course , to see if people like the story . I am very confident though , that it 's a good tale . I hope you like it . " This entry was posted in Book , Leaving and tagged Birmingham , free book exercpt , Leaving , leaving home , new friends , starting over , stuck in Birmingham by Chris Hilton ~ Writer . Bookmark the permalink . 5 thoughts on " … Leaving ( 2 ) " Pingback : Leaving … | Chris Hilton ~ Writer
|
Sat , 06 / 01 / 2013 - 12 : 22 | By : Karak Book : The Bards of Subterra Collected StoriesThe tavern , such as it was , had been fairly quiet after the dinner rush . In the before times , the building would have been a decent diner , but things had fallen to disrepair after the long war . With the state and federal governments too busy trying to rebuild themselves , folk were left to their own devices . The restaurant 's owners decided to stay open , feeding those in the community who couldn 't feed themselves . They were fortunate to be near farm land , having a fairly sure supply of foods to cook and serve . But the rural area also meant they were among the first to lose power . Most of the people left were gathered near the hearth that had been built on the north wall , the adults chatting in the dim light while the children did the same , a bit farther from the fire . The children weren 't talking to commiserate , or set up trades . They were killing time with excited chatter about which stories he might tell , and how many . They knew he would be there tonight , he just had to be ! The air had that crisp bite to it that meant Fall was turning to Winter and he always came before the snow fell . With a gust of the night air , the doors opened and the unmistakable figure stepped in . His long coat flapped gently in the light breeze . Behind the bard was a woman in powered combat armor , colloquially called a Mecha Knight , holding a small girl in her arms . " We heard that one four times last time he was here , and it wasn 't just Novaman . . . " a young girl countered . The bard took off his coat and draped it on the back of his chosen chair . The mecha knight sat at a nearby table , leaving the mob of children between her and the bard . " Yeah , Jhad and Tempo were there too , " a second boy chimed in . The Bard of Subterra let them continue as he caught the eye of a waitress and motioned his food order to her . One advantage of the rural tows was the simple meals , generally shepherd 's pie and a pint of bitter ale . The storyteller settled in his chair and spoke . " Okay kids , settle down . It sounds like you want a story from the World of Heroes . Is that right ? " He made a slight gesture at the table . A few children noticed it and drew coins from their pockets . " But not one you 've heard before , yes . Hmm . . . " the storyteller considered the library of stories in his head . " That 's a tall order to fill . Let me see . . . Have I told you about how Sundog lost his wife ? " The storyteller laughed again . " No so . But I think I 'll save that for another time since it 's not truly a story of the World of Heroes . No , tonight you 'll hear how Ten Kelvin and Bearman managed to subdue the Manic Multiplier . You kids know about Ten Kelvin and Bearman , don 't you ? " " Alright , a quick over view then . Ten Kelvin is a young boy , still in high school . He has a brilliant mind and a clever imagination . His grandfather left him a suit of armor that 's able to keep him warm in the coldest temperatures , with boots that allow him to leap great distances . Ten Kelvin himself has invented a pair of gloves that let him spray forth waves of ice at his enemies , or chill the air around him to terribly low temperatures . " Bearman has incredible strength , endurance and resilience . He may not be fast , but he hits hard and can take it as good as he can dish it out . When Ten Kelvin had to stop him , it took all of his cleverness and a couple of well placed police cars , but that 's a story for another time . Bearman usually lets Ten Kelvin take charge when they 're together . " " Now , this happened several years before any of you were born . Back when I was a wee lad . Ten Kelvin and Bearman were in the Bearcave , their hide out somewhere in the hills outside of Los Alamos , New Mexico . Bearma - - " The storyteller chuckled again and answered as the waitress brought his drink . She left with a few coins from the modest pile . " It 's called the Bearcave because it was Bearman 's hideout first . They were practicing crime fighting moves , keeping in peak physical condition while waiting for the city to call them to action . And New Mexico is South of here , and a little East in what 's now called The Unbroken Lands . May I go on now ? " The children nodded their agreement . " Thank you . Now , as I was saying , Bearman heard the sound first , and got to the console before Ten Kelvin . Someone was calling them on the emergency line . Rex Summers , Chief of Police , needed their help immediately . Three banks had been robbed by the same man all at the same time ! " " There was just one problem with ol ' Stan being the guy that did it . Stan had an accident at work a few days before the crimes , and when the Chief , Bearman and Ten Kelvin went to talk with him , he was laying in bed with two broken arms and a broken leg . Hardly the sort of person that could have robbed a bank , much less four at once . " Once they were outside Stan 's apartment , Ten Kelvin told the chief something very important : his gauntlets sensed three men hiding in the closet . The Chief suggested they call for backup , but Ten Kelvin didn 't want to wait . Bearman pondered the implications of this and decided Stan Norec was two sets of twin bothers ! " They knocked again but there was no answer , so Bearman kicked the door in and Ten Kelvin leveled his ice beam into the room , but there was no one there . They quickly searched and found the rest of the apartment as deserted and the living room , but there were plans on the kitchen table for another bank heist ! Apparently the heroes had forced Stan in to putting his plans in to action sooner than he wanted . " Quick like lightning , the heroes dashed off to the bank . This time Ten Kelvin chose to use his ice skates and jumping boots , knowing it would give him a more direct route over the city 's roof tops than Bearman could take in the car . Ten Kelvin got to the bank first , and saw Stan Norec , all four of him , already inside . Ten Kelvin decided to go in alone , knowing Bearman would be there soon . " He shouted to the clones , telling them to give it up . He had the plan all figured out , and their jail time would be less if the gave up now and came along quietly . The clones were having none of that , and before the hero could react , each of them split in two . Now Ten Kelvin was alone against 8 Stan Nories ! As the clones ran at him , Ten Kelvin knelt down and shouted . The storyteller chuckled and tousled the boy 's hair . " Something like that . Ice spread out along the floor all around where Ten Kelvin knelt . Before the clones got closer than five steps , most of them fell and slid past the hero . And right in to Bearman , who was waiting at the door with a net . They were too feisty for the net , so Bearman started hitting them on the back of the head with his meaty hands , knocking them out as Ten Kelvin jumped and ducked , letting the clones slide past him . " You have a good ear for detail , son , " the bard said . " By the end of that fight , there were dozens of Stans . More than the jail could comfortably hold . Fortunately , there was a side effect of Stan 's bizarre power . His clones only had a limited life span . While the city was still trying to decide what to do with them all , they kept the clones in a small apartment complex , with guards posted all over the place , while the original Stan was in a jail cell downtown . After a couple of days , everything was quiet in the apartments . Only three clones were left , the rest had vanished in to thin air , so they were moved to a normal jail . When a guard was taking them to the cafeteria for dinner one night , all three vanished at once , with a dozen people watching . That left only the original Stan , locked in his cell . And that is how the story really ends . " Sat , 06 / 01 / 2013 - 12 : 24 | By : Karak Book : The Bards of Subterra Collected StoriesAs the Storyteller tipped up his glass , the children excitedly chattered about Ten Kelvin , Bearman and the Manic Multiplier . " He was a lame villain anyway . Anybody could have stopped him . " They quieted down when the Storyteller cleared his throat and set his empty glass down upside down on the table . He smiled softly as several children came forward to lay more coins on the table . In a moment , a barmaid came by with a full glass . She took the empty and enough coins to cover the cost of the drink . " Who shall we hear about next ? " The bard interrupted with a small cough . " I do know a few Tempo stories without the Tyrathi in them . . . But how would you like to hear a villain 's story this time ? " Several children responded with excited " ooooh " s and everyone settled in to listen . " This is the story of a villain called Pressure Chief . " " Simon Foster was always an average guy . Average in all respects save one : he seemed to constantly be getting over a head cold . As long as he could remember , his ears were always stopped up and even slight changes in the air pressure always bothered him . He joked that he was his own barometer , and actually used his sensitivity to predict the day 's weather . The rain never caught him by surprise . " He was so accurate , coworkers would call him in the mornings , asking if they should bring an umbrella with them to work . He worked as a financial analyst at a large firm in downtown Boston . He even had the CEOs , the big important people at the company , calling him . They never wanted to look silly for carrying an umbrella when it wasn 't raining , or being caught in the rain without one . Impressing the higher ups could only be a good thing , from Simon 's perspective , so he was happy to answer their calls . " I 'm getting ahead of myself . You kids know about Harbinger , don 't you ? " The Storyteller asked . A few nodded , most shook their heads . " Harbinger usually works with another hero named The American Marvel . They both only have one power , but many many ways to use it . American Marvel 's power is Freedom . Unless he wants to , he cannot be bound in chains , locked in a cage , or even tethered to the Earth by gravity as we are . Harbinger can summon the rain at a moment 's notice to do his bidding . Anything he wants from a light sprinkle to the heaviest downpour you can imagine . But this takes place before Harbinger teamed up with American Marvel . " It started out like any other day . Simon told everyone the weather was going to be cloudy , but no rain . Just before lunch , he felt the mounting pressure behind his ears . He put down the sheets of numbers he was looking at and massaged his temples . Suddenly , he heard it . A soft * spak ! * against the window of his office . Soon it was followed by hundreds of thousands of others as the rain began to fall heavily . He looked out at the sky and saw the dark clouds . He looked down at the street and saw people scurrying into buildings , anywhere they could go to get out of the downpour . His head felt like it would explode . " A car skidded as it made the turn on to his street and lost control in the heavy rain . The driver managed to keep the car under control just long enough to make the turn , but over corrected coming out of it and fishtailed badly . He smashed in to a parked taxicab . " The rain was letting up and the pressure in Simon 's head eased as well . While everyone was marveling at the suddenness of the storm , Simon saw a pickup truck barrel around the same corner the car had taken . The truck pulled up behind the wrecked car and its masked drive stepped out . He handcuffed the unconscious driver to the steering wheel , then walked back to his truck . The rain had stopped entirely now and the sun was coming out . " Simon yawned several times , trying to equalize the pressure inside and outside his ears , eventually getting it to stabilize to a comfortable level . The police arrived soon after and arrested the unconscious man . The next day , the newspapers said he had held up a liquor store several blocks away , and attributed the arrest to a new hero : Harbinger . " Simon tracked this new hero for weeks . He used the rain to stay ahead of the hero 's antics . He even want so far as to make a costume . It was mostly a rain slicker , umbrellas , and hip - waders over a wet suit and scuba mask . " The question went unanswered as Simon shouted back at the hero . ' You ruined my life ! ' He raised his right arm , pointing a pistol at the hero . His left arm held a tattered umbrella futilely trying to keep the rain away . " Harbinger asked how he ruined the man 's life . While Simon explained what had happened , Harbinger weighed his options . Fortunately , Simon told him about his pressure sensitivity , and Harbinger , in a moment of desperation , called down the fiercest storm he could ; so much water fell so quickly that small children were in danger of being washed away down the street ! " It is a shame Cathy can 't make the books any more . . . " the bard lamented . " But , that 's why I 'm here , after all . Cathy Travis herself told me this story , and asked me spread it far and wide . You kids might not know this , but King Strys really does live in Strysiavanya , which is a real place . It 's waaaay to the East of us , across the ocean , but that doesn 't make the King any less dangerous . In the World of Heroes , Strys tried to gain a foothold on one of the derelict Tyrathi cruisers , but Ten Kelvin and Protanya put a stop to that , as you two know . But what you don 't know is , he also sent a squad of elite robots to a place called Oregon to take over Tempo 's secret lab . You might know Oregon better as part of what is now the North - West Frontier . " First , they had to find the lab . They had several different kinds of robots , from small scouts the size of a fly , to great hulking soldiers , " the bard buffed up his chest and sat up straight in an effort to demonstrate the size of the robots , " whose only purpose was combat . They sent a hulk to wreck up some buildings in a coastal town . Tempo showed up , stopped the Brute with a Time - Stopper grenade , and went to work with a welding torch , a wrench and a screw driver . The squad had lost some of its offensive capability , but two Flies were able to follow Tempo back to his lair . " " Exactly . He didn 't notice the two Flies following him though , and they led the rest of the squad there . Now , Tempo 's no dummy , so his Time Cave is protected by - - " " All the caves . The Bearcave , the Time Cave , even the old heroes had caves . Batman 's Bat Cave , Superman 's Ice Cave . . " Before the children 's bickering could go much farther , the story teller interrupted . " Well , the Bat Cave and the Bear Cave are actual , natural caves . Tempo 's cave is man made , but it 's still a hole in a cliff wall somewhere on the coast . But I can see what you 're saying . How ' bout we call it the Time Sanctum ? Sound good ? " The children nodded agreement . " Okay . I 'll talk to Cathy about making it official next time I see her . Now , the Time Sanctum was well defended , so the Flies didn 't dare follow the jet in to the hangar . The squad gathered outside , and waited . They found that Tempo often left the hangar door open during the day so he could enjoy the ocean breeze while working , and he would almost always watch the sun set in the evenings . Eventually they tested the defenses of the open door by sending a Fly in . It wasn 't supposed to make it . But somehow it did . " The next day , a Spider robot tried . The spider 's body was as large as a baseball , and had four metallic legs and a single red eye . The Spider made it through and found a place to hide . That night it shut down the defenses . " Many robots repelled down the cliff to enter through the hangar . The smaller ones skittered down the hatchway on the ground above , sliding down the ladder to the back door of the Sanctum . Normally all kinds of alarms would be going off , but because the system had been shut down , everything was quiet . " Tempo was on his way to bed when he saw a humanoid soldier bot at the other end of the corridor . Quick as a whip , the Quantum Pistol was in his hand and the robot had a dozen new holes . Before the dead bot could hit the floor , Tempo was down the hallways and in the hangar . " He stopped in his tracks as he saw three hulking Brutes , seven more humanoid soldiers , fully armed and armored combat bots , a dozen spiders and two small tank - bots the size of a dog . He cursed under his breath , dialed the Hand of Time to full throttle and let loose with this quantum pistol . The pistol 's shots were slowed down considerably from his perspective , but still moving pretty quick . Before the first shot hit its target , one of the spiders , bullets were on course to hit each and every bot Tempo could see . With the destruction of the lighter bots assured , the hero considered his options . He could take down the Brutes the same way he had in town , but that would take a while and he 'd have to be in real time for most of it . He noticed one of the Brutes was still very near the edge of the hangar door . " " Tempo is your favorite hero , isn 't he , lass ? " The girl nodded . " You 're close . A punch wouldn 't be enough to knock the Brute backward , but a bull rush might . He had to get the timing right though . If he dropped to normal speed too early , his momentum would be lost . Too late and it would be like jumping in to a solid wall . Tempo backed up as far as he could , then ran full speed at the Brute . He leaped and kicked and just before his foot made contact , he closed his right hand and dropped back in to normal time , kicking the Brute in its chest . He 'd timed it right . He hit with enough force to make the hulking robot stumble . Back in to the accelerated time stream and Tempo jumped from the now - stationary , falling robot to land safely back in the hangar . One down . " During that brief moment of real time , the bullets had all connected . The spiders were out of commission , two combat bots were damaged , but the rest just had minor scratches . He wondered how to get rid of the tanks and the armored bots . He tossed out a few time grenades and dialed back to normal time as a plan formed in his mind . Tempo spoke to the robots , saying ' Take a message back to Strys for me . Tell him to leave me alone . ' " " As far as you know , yes . Yes it is . While the Strysiavanyain robots stood immobile , Tempo climbed in to the cockpit of his jet . He turned the engines up full throttle at the same moment he remotely turned off the grenades , blasting the invaders out the hangar to join the other one , who still hadn 't quite hit the rocks far below . " Children , please ! " The storyteller 's plea silenced the debate before more could join in . He was only a little surprised that the girl who asked for the story had remained silent . Her mother was a Mecha Knight , after all . " We 've heard a lot about the World of Heroes . Maybe we can move to the Mystic Frontier for at least one story . Who would you like to hear about , little one ? " None of the children knew . The bard smiled . * HE * barely knew who Glen Soaringsteel was . He was an oddity among Ifrayan characters . . . so young , so inexperienced , and yet that made him unique among the powerful heroes he shared the list with . All that had really been established before Cathy 's printing press had been destroyed was that it was his destiny to be the greatest swordsman in the world . The Bard suppressed a tear . " His mother was sick when she gave birth , and unfortunately died soon after . His father was an adventurer who had gone to a far away land , and did not even know Glen had been born . But he was very happy with his aunt , who taught him how to make things like swords and armor . He even made his own sword , all by himself , when he was only twelve years old . Every day , Glen practiced with his sword for an hour after waking up and an hour before going to bed . When he was fourteen he was already very good . " Listen and you may learn , young one . One day , when he was ten years old , Glen was walking through the woods near his home . He heard some noises up ahead , and when we went forward to see what it was , he found a band of nasty , ugly , smelly orcs ! " Of course he would . Andrenas Sherand was one of the greatest warriors in all of Ifrai . But Glen was only ten years old , all alone , and didn 't even have a sword . Still , he HAD to help the poor little bobcat . He was the only one who could ! He remembered what his uncle had taught him about fighting . ' Weapons are only tools . Lose it , and you still have to win . If you can win with no weapon , you are among the greatest of warriors . ' And maybe if HE knew what Andrenas would do , the orcs knew it too . . . " The orcs continued with their cruel sport until they grew tired of it , and one hefted his heavy , sharp axe to kill the exhausted creature . Just then , the branches overhead shook . The orcs looked up , but saw nothing . Then some rocks tumbled down from a small rise to their left . They looked to the left , but still they saw nothing . A twig snapped to their right ! Again they looked , and again , nothing ! " The orcs became worried . They circled , backs to one another , watching for whoever might be out there . Then they heard a booming voice echoing all around them say , ' I am Andrenas Sherand , defender of the woods and slayer of foul orcs like you ! This is your last chance to run before I come down and kill you all ! ' " Everyone knew Andrenas Sherand 's name . Some of the orcs ran away in fear for their lives , while the others ran off in search of the famous Ranger , thinking to kill him and earn glory and fame for themselves . Whatever the reason , every one of them left the clearing and the tired little bobcat lying in it all alone . " Glen had shaken the tree branches . He had piled up the rocks on the rise , and knocked them down with the toss of a stone . He had used a heavier stone to snap the stick , and a hollow log to make his voice so loud . Now he hid in some bushes , and when the orcs were all gone , he ran into the clearing , scooped up the bobcat into his coat , and headed home . " " That 's right , " said the bard . " He defeated a whole band of orcs without striking a single blow . Only a great swordsman could accomplish such a thing . " The bard sighed . Maybe " swordsman " had been the wrong word to use . " Hero , " " warrior , " or something else may have been better , but for Glen , and for some reason , for the girl who asked for the story , " swordsman " felt right . " Let me tell you another story , then . It might clear things up . Some time later , Glen was out practicing with his sword when he noticed someone watching him . It was the innkeeper 's daughter , a girl of about seven named Kreanna . " ' What are you doing ? ' asked Glen . ' Get out of here ! ' He was still shy about his sword - practice , you see , and didn 't want anyone to watch him at it . Kreanna was startled and ran off into the woods . " You 're right , they 're not , " the bard assured the girl who had spoke up . " Glen was the one being foolish , which you 'll see in a moment . Kreanna called back , ' Help me , please ! ' " Now concerned , Glen sheathed his sword and ran in the direction of Kreanna 's voice . When he found her , she was hanging by a branch in a swiftly moving stream . Realizing how idiotic and cruel he had been , Glen almost dropped his sword . " But he didn 't . He remembered something his Aunt had told him when he had bent the iron while trying to make his first sword : ' Everyone has messed up in the past . That doesn 't mean we can 't choose to do the right thing now . ' Even so , the water was so wide , and crashing over sharp , dangerous rocks . He was just a little boy , and all he had was his sword . " Glen stopped and took a look at what was happening . The low - hanging branch she was holding belonged to a tree on the far bank , so he had to get over there , first . He found a thin old tree , already dead and about to collapse , and pushed it down across the river . Hanging onto it , he waded across . He found out just how strong the current was , and knew that Kreanna couldn 't hold on much longer . " It took all his strength to hang on , but Glen finally made it to the far side . He took his sword in one hand and the branch Kreanna was hanging onto in the other . ' Hang on tight , Kreanna ! ' he shouted , and cut the branch from the tree . He dropped onto his back and held on with both hands and all his might . Kreanna screamed as the current started to carry her away , but with the branch anchored to the bank by Glen , she swung back towards the bank , where she was able to pull herself out . " Glen rushed to her , even forgetting his sword where he had dropped it , and took her in his arms . She was soaked and crying , but safe . ' How will we get back across ? ' she asked . " Glen was worried . Home was across the river , and night would be coming soon . Wet as they were , they might freeze out there . They had to get home . ' We have to go back across , ' he said . " ' I know , ' said Glen . ' But we have to . We can 't stay here or we 'll freeze . Hang onto my back and I 'll get us across . The bard laughed out loud . " You 're right , girl . You 're right . " His mind raced for a better explanation . " I forgot . I meant to say he used his sword to sharpen some branches , and stuck THEM in the bank to brace the tree . " The girl nodded , satisfied , so the bard continued . " Hanging on with all his might , and with Kreanna clutching tightly to his back , Glen started across the river . " Kreanna was heavy , and the river pushed against the two of them harder than it had just against Glen . The tree held until they were halfway across , and then , even though he had braced it , it gave way and floated away with the current . Glen and Kreanna were left stranded in the middle of the river . " Glen 's feet were just barely steadied on the slick rocks below , and Kreanna was crying again . His plan hadn 't worked , but he still had to get across . For himself and for the little girl he had put in danger with his own cruelty , he had to persevere . " Carefully putting one foot in front of the other , he pressed on . He used a wide stance , like the one Andrenas had taught him for when he needed to be stable and hard to knock down . Bit by bit , he fought to move through the frigid water that was trying to push him over . He thought he might freeze , or catch a fever and die later , but he was determined he would save the girl , even if the effort killed him . " Finally he got close enough to grab hold of some roots . He pulled up and got his hands on the bank . His arms were tired and out of strength , but there was still one last step - one last thing they had to do . He forced them to move , to pull him and Kreanna up onto the bank . They had made it . They were safe . " And Glen never spoke harshly to Kreanna again . He let her watch him practice and even taught her a little , himself . When he finally left Fletch Kenning for a life of adventure , she stayed behind to mind her father 's inn , but Glen never forgot what he learned that day . Sat , 06 / 01 / 2013 - 12 : 28 | By : Karak Book : The Bards of Subterra Collected StoriesThe bard and the mecha knight shared news of the world , as they knew it , with anyone who was left . After their meals had been paid for , the bard split the pile of coins still left on the table , keeping only one of every three coins for himself . The rest he gave to the parents who remained , explaining that the children had been too generous and asking that at least a few coins found their way under children 's pillows to be magical surprises in the morning . As he stood , gathering his coat and assorted belongings that had found their way out of his pockets , the bard took a look around the room . The knight stood by the door , her daughter wrapped in a blanket against the evening 's chill . Two men sat in a corner , finishing their drinks and watching the bard . A waitress scurried from table to table cleaning up . The barman stood behind the counter , cleaning glasses . Three more men , scattered around the room , finished their drinks in silence . " It was told to me by a man I met recently in my travels . Before The Collapse he was a powerful man , a captain of industry . He was the head of a multinational company , he said , trading and dealing with organizations ranging from small five person companies , to governments and other large companies with employees numbering in the hundreds of thousands , spread across the globe . " He wasn 't just successful in the business world , either . After a courting for three years , he had won the heart of the most beautiful woman he had known . Their family grew in stride with his business , giving him three wonderful , loving children . Every night they would greet him as he came home , and no matter how tiresome the day had been , his face would light up and his energy would be restored . " He had chosen for himself a new destiny , a greater purpose . He made it his personal mission to reunite the people of his broken nation , bringing news from the other communities to each group he visited . Once in a great while , he would even reunite a family that had been sundered by the chaos . " It was less than two months ago that I met this man . I was on my way to one of his communities , and he was just departing . We met on the road and he invited me along on his journey , detouring my own . Having no reason not to , I agreed and walked a spell with him . "
|
This is my birth story , not the story of my birth but of what happened in early December when I gave birth . I am putting it here because I wanted to share it with anyone who cared to read it . It has very little knitting in it , so I completely understand if you don 't want to read it . If that is the case feel free to stop here ; I would not be offended or hurt . I will also warn you at this point that I will get somewhat graphic concerning the medical details . I will not be holding anything back , so if that is something you would not want to read please do not continue . I am including a few photos , and I assure you that none of those will be graphic at all . This story starts with a knit night . I am the manager of a knitting store called Passionknit in Toronto . The owner holds a private knit night with some friends there once a month . ( There is a public knit night on Thursday evenings if you are interested , its always a good time . ) December 3rd was one of those monthly knit nights , and I knew it would be the last one I attended before I had my baby . I had started thinking of everything in terms of whether it was likely to happen before or after the baby , or how old my baby was likely to be when it happened . Christmas & New Year 's Eve , she would likely be a few weeks old . It was a toss up if she was going to be around for Hannuka this year , and when my brother 's wedding rolls around she will be 4 months old . I had been working all day at the shop . It was my intention to keep working until my due date unless she came early . Everyone will tell you your first baby is usually late , and I was 11 days late myself . So I had every expectation of making it to my due date and beyond . After work I went and got myself a slice of pizza for dinner . When I returned with my dinner I went to the bathroom and passed a very large amount of mucus . I had read that most pregnant women lose their mucus plug slowly leading up to giving birth , so I did not assume that would mean labour right away . In case it continued to come I put on a pad and went back to my pizza . I had decided to google losing your mucus plug after I finished eating just to make sure I was right , but I thought it was likely not something I would want to read about while finishing my dinner . I never got the chance to make that google search . Before I finished my dinner the store owner and a few of the knitters started to arrive . I got caught up in chatting and quickly forgot about my worries . This may seem foolish , but don 't forget my mommy brain was at its prime . Then at one point I shifted in my seat and I felt a gush . A part of me instantly knew what it was and what it meant , but I wasn 't ready to admit it . Fortunately I had put that pad on because most of what came out was absorbed , so I didn 't have a giant stain on my pants and in fact had made no noticeable change whatsoever . I calmly excused myself to the bathroom , and accepted some ribbing considering I had just gone a very short time ago . As a 9 months pregnant person , though , you can always get away with a trip to the bathroom . When I saw how much liquid there was I could not deny it to myself . My water had broken . Knit night had just barely begun , and I thought about telling nobody , enjoying the rest of the night and telling my husband when he came to pick me up . We could go to the hospital then , and what could be the harm ? I hadn 't had a single contraction , and I did not feel as though I was in labour . But then I realized I could not really go on without telling my husband what was happening . I typed out a text to him , and stared at it for some time before pressing send . I needed to get home , and get all our stuff together for the hospital . I needed to relax and not be in a room full of women chattering away for the next three hours . I needed calm and quiet . I walked back upstairs with the full intention of letting everyone know why I was leaving early . I looked around . The few people that had arrived already were discussing a new yarn we had just gotten , and a new pattern to knit with it ( Koigu Kersti , a lovely hand dyed dk weight yarn ) . Without thinking I entered the conversation automatically , and suddenly I realized I missed my chance to interject . I had been talking about yarn and patterns too long to suddenly bust in with , and oh by the way , my water just broke . I still hadn 't formed such a sentence out loud , and the prospect of doing so now was too daunting . I texted my husband to tell him I couldn 't manage to tell anyone around me . He was reassuring . He told me not to say anything if I didn 't want to , it was my right . He was on his way to come get me , and we could easily say I was too tired to stay long . I was so relieved at the thought that I didn 't have to say it out loud to anyone . While I waited for my husband to arrive more people came . My coworker who had been with me at the shop all day had stepped out for coffee . She was also the person who would be taking over for me during my maternity leave , so I decided to text her the news , a text was so much easier than actually saying something . I told her what had happened and that I wasn 't announcing it to the group . I thought she might want to get a head start on planning who would be with her in the shop the rest of the week , since it looked like I was going to be leaving a bit early . When she got back she found a private moment to give me a hug and some words of encouragement . I still felt normal , like nothing out of the ordinary was happening . Soon after that my husband arrived , we made our excuses and headed home . I texted my coworker that she could tell the group once we were safely away . I got a flurry of texts of encouragement and congratulations , but I still felt like I had done nothing to earn them . My pregnant body did not feel any different than it had that morning , and it was hard to believe I was only going to continue to be pregnant for a short time . When we got home we started getting organized for the hospital visit . I had a bag packed , but there were several things that needed to be added to it at the last minute . Fruit for snacks while we were there , which could not have been left in the suitcase indefinitely , our toothbrushes and other toiletries ( which we ended up forgetting anyways ) , and some extra things to pack for baby like the blanket I had just finished knitting . I pulled out the pamphlet about when to go the hospital and what to bring . Mostly they focus on the 4 - 1 - 1 rule , when your contractions are 4 minutes apart , 1 minute long and have been like that for 1 hour that 's when you go to the hospital . The pamphlet also said that if your water breaks to call the hospital right away , so I did . They told us we should come in immediately . So in the middle of the night we packed up the car and went to the hospital without having had a single contraction . I had planned for a long labour process at home , I had several ideas about how to distract myself during early labour with knitting , Netflix , video games and reading . Of course I had some knitting packed up to go to the hospital , but I never thought it would have to sustain me through what ended up being several days , though it turned out most of the time I didn 't feel much like knitting , which if you know me at all you know means I was really out of sorts . When we got to the hospital before they would set me up in a delivery room they wanted to confirm that my water had broken . They had me walk around in a hospital gown with a pad in , waiting for more of my waters to be released . A doctor came to examine me , and a simple test confirmed that yes my membranes had ruptured , i . e . my water had broken . Part of me had been hoping they would tell me that I had overreacted and I was certainly not in labour and I could just go home and relax . Instead they told me that I needed to have this baby within 24 hours . They didn 't say what would happen if I didn 't , and I was too nervous to ask . Really I knew what happened when the hospital thinks you need to give birth within a certain time frame , either you do or they give you a c - section , which was the thing I most wanted to avoid . I didn 't really want to hear any doctor say that word to me at all , so I didn 't ask about it . That may have been a silly position to take , but I was in a pretty fragile state . Besides I had taken the time to learn what all the interventions were , and what they would mean for me and my baby . I felt I had the facts in hand , but that didn 't mean I would really knew what I was in for . The doctor gave me a medication to soften my cervix , the first step of intervention on my journey . He said it would make it easier for contractions to get going . It was a topical medicine , which meant that for it to have time to work on my cervix I had to stay lying down for an hour to make sure it stayed where it was put . After that time had passed the nurses told me they would get me into a room , but it turned out it was a crowded night at the maternity ward , so they had to clean one up for me . While I waited for my room to get cleaned I paced the hallway of the maternity ward , not a very big place , but they had told me not to leave the ward . I knew that walking helped speed up labour , so I walked as much as I could . It was very early the next morning before I got settled into a delivery room . I got some sleep , not much with the stress of being somewhere weird and everything else , but some , which was helpful because the next night I got none whatsoever . The nurses had told me that in the morning they would call my regular OB and she would come for the remainder of my labour and delivery , which had been an enormous relief . However , when morning came , no doctor . At first the nurses said they were having trouble getting ahold of her , and eventually I found out that my OB was away for the entire week but the doctor on call would come see me soon . Eventually she did , and gave me more of the same medication I had the night before . This meant another hour in bed , and a bit of a wait to see if it brought on contractions . It didn 't . As soon as they let me I walked doing laps around the maternity ward with my husband . Still no contractions . I walked so much that the nurses started to warn me about wearing myself out . I was going to need a lot of strength to get through the next bit . I tried to take a bit of a nap , but it was hard to settle . I was nervous and anxious and alert every minor twinge held the hope of becoming a contraction . I had a few very mild cramps , mild enough that I could not bring myself to call them contractions . Slowly they became longer and closer together , but they still seemed quite mild compared to what I was expecting for labour pains . The nurses arranged a shower for me , which felt like the pique of luxury . Shortly thereafter the doctor saw me again . I had not dilated very much , and I knew we were closing in on my 24 hour deadline from the night before . They started me on oxytocin at that point , which was about mid afternoon . This meant I had to have an IV , and stay strapped to the baby monitors for the rest of the labour . The monitor straps were the worst part of it all ; they were tight around my belly , which had gotten used to being treated quite delicately . They also meant I had to stay in bed the rest of the labour , which was a great disappointment to me . Walking had given me something to do , and made me feel like I could help in some way since it was the only thing I knew of that could make labour progress faster , aside from the drugs they were now pumping into me . Periodically they would up the dose of the oxytocin , doubling the amount each time . I started frequently requesting they let me up to use the bathroom . Sometimes just for the break from the monitoring straps and so I could shift my position and walk a bit , even if it was just across the very small room . I would take my time like I never have , occasionally pausing to make sure I had a contraction while I was in there . Every contraction that happened without the straps was a relief . The contractions got more intense and closer together , but remained manageable . They would have been easier to take if I had more freedom to move around the way I wanted . In our prenatal classes my husband and I had practiced several supportive labour poses , but in the end we used none of them . The entirety of what felt like real labour to me happened while I was in that bed strapped to machines that severely limited my movement . At some point one of the nurses suggested I could lay on my side , and if that didn 't disrupt the baby monitors I would be allowed to stay like that for a while . Before I was pregnant I had either slept on my stomach or my back . In the early stages of pregnancy I had to relinquish sleeping on my stomach and eventually my back as well was off limits . I had been longing for the days when I could go back to sleeping on my back and stomach . So I never expected to feel such relief and gratitude at being told I could be on my side instead of my back for a short period of time . The prenatal nurses were lovely . They checked on me frequently , they always asked if I needed anything , and they did everything they could to make sure I was as comfortable as possible . As the next shift change approached the nurses who were looking after me were very considerately trying to leave things well set up for the nurse taking over for the night . They checked my dilation , only three centimetres , which means I had increased about 1cm in two hours . I had hours and hours to go , but I was making progress . Just before leaving they also increased my oxytocin again . The new nurse arrived , the old nurses gave her a quick rundown of everything , and they left . Then the first contraction came after the new oxytocin dose . It was unreal . Up until this point contractions had been painful , but I could handle them . This was like nothing else ; it was worlds from the last contraction . That first one was bad , but I remembered my breathing . I gripped my husband 's hand , and got through it . But it took a lot out of me , my resolve my energy , and my focus were all drained . Then came another , much closer than the previous ones had , and it was worse . So it continued , and it wasn 't long before I completely lost it . I tried to fight the contractions , I stopped breathing , I was reduced to just saying " No no no no no . . . " and I even got the point where I started clawing at all the medical equipment attached to me . My husband was amazing through it all . He kept telling me to breath , that it would be ok and it would be over soon . I have never loved him more than in those moments , he literally kept me sane . If he hadn 't been there , the moment the nurse left me alone I would have ripped off every piece of medical equipment , and run through the halls of the hospital as if I could escape the pain somehow . That was what my brain was telling me to do , run away escape , get out of this somehow . It wasn 't long into this that I gave in and asked for an epidural . I could barely take another minute of this , and I knew I must have had hours to go . I was 3cm , full dilation is 10cm , and it took me 2 hours to go from 2cm to 3cm . I knew as the contractions got stronger they were also more effective , so you would dilate faster , but I still didn 't like the way that math was turning out . I had a few contractions while waiting for the anesthesiologist to come , but they were easier to get through because I knew they would be the last I had to manage . What I hadn 't counted on was how difficult it was to get an epidural . The doctor was very nice , and he very politely and swiftly went through the major risks and side effects of the epidural and got my consent to begin . I had to sit on the edge of the bed , hold my back in a curve , and ( this was the hardest ) relax my shoulders . This man was about to stick a needle into my spine , which if done incorrectly could cause some serious problems , while I was having the worst pain of my life come and go every minute or so , and I had to relax . And of course while doing all that I had to remain completely still . He asked me to warn him when I felt a contraction coming on , since he knew it would be much less likely for me to remain still during a contraction . I went through several contractions during the process , and at one point he turned to the nurse and said , " Her contractions are one minute apart , and she is only 3cm ? " That was my first clue that things might have been not quite what I thought . The second the epidural kicked in I felt the most amazing relief . The knowledge that I was not going to have to experience one more of those contractions itself was incredibly comforting , but feeling the pain of them slip away was amazing . A large part of me wonders if those contractions would have been so bad if I hadn 't been on the oxytocin , which does supposedly make contractions more intense . The problem with that is how can you compare one woman 's contractions to another ? Pain is not something you can measure , and its not something you can really translate to language . Maybe the oxytocin was responsible for making my contractions a lot more intense than those I might have felt in a natural labour , or maybe there was no difference but because they ramped up really suddenly I was not prepared for them . There is no way to ever know , but I was glad that when I decided I could not take it anymore a doctor was right there , and he came quickly and gave me relief . As soon as the drugs started kicking in , they got me back in bed lying down , while I could still feel my legs . The anesthesiologist gave me a button to press that would give me a quick burst of drugs if I felt I needed it . He assured me that the machine is programmed to not allow me to overdose myself , so I could press it as much as I needed . I thanked him profusely , words could not describe how grateful I was to him at that moment . Then I started to shake . The nurse assured me it was a normal side effect of the drugs , and I shouldn 't worry about it . My arms and upper body shook the rest of the time I was on the epidural drugs . It got to be so bad that I worried I wouldn 't be able to hold onto the baby after she was born . Once I was settled back into the bed , the nurse decided to check my progress again . She was very excited , but I did not have the mental energy for this game . Even if it was going faster than expected I really did not want to think about how much longer I had . Even though it would be a lot easier now , I was tired both mentally and physically . " I don 't know . " I was shocked . I thought I had hours . I had mainly asked for the epidural because while I could have taken a few more of those contractions , I knew I would go insane trying to take them for hours and hours . She went to call the doctor , and when she came back I could feel something ready to be pushed out . " Then go ahead and push . " I did . I expected some sort of result right away , but there was nothing . I pushed harder , and still nothing . The doctor came back with several nurses , and she confirmed we were ready to go . The doctor said it helped if I had something to brace my legs against , so the nurses crowded around me and held my legs . Then they told me to push , so many people around me just telling me to push , push , push harder , forget about breathing just push . That felt like the strangest instruction to me . The entire labour breathing was the one thing I had to go back to . Focus on your breathing is what they tell you to for each contraction . Its what my husband yelled at me when I was going nuts with those terrible contractions . Now they asked me to forget all that , and put everything I had into pushing . I couldn 't . I pushed with all my might for a a few moments , and then I stopped to catch my breath . They all coached me again , push , push , don 't worry about breathing , push again , push harder . This happened a total of three maybe four times . I can 't be sure exactly , but I know I can count the number of pushes on one hand . After the last push I felt it work , and some huge thing moved through me . Then I heard a cry . I was too tired to really process what had happened . The nurse helped me open my gown , and placed my daughter on my chest . I was still shaking bad , but I was lying down so there was little chance I might drop her . She was red and squirming and she felt terribly foreign to me . I remember thinking , what the heck is this thing they just handed me , what do I do with this ? But I cuddled her and comforted her , and she stopped screaming . They had stopped the drugs in the epidural as soon as she was out , so my shaking was starting to slow down . I started to come back to my surroundings . I noticed the doctor and nurses were still busy doing something down there . With great disappointment I looked at my husband and said , " They are stitching me , aren 't they ? " I had really hoped I wouldn 't need stitches mostly because the thought of stitches healing down there was simply incomprehensible . The doctor and nurses looked up at me in alarm , they asked quickly if I could feel what they were doing . I assured them that I felt a slight pressure nothing more , and they went back to work . I wasn 't looking forward to how that was going to feel once the drugs wore off , but nothing could be done about that now . I never asked how many stitches they gave me , and nobody volunteered the information . I knew it was several based on how long it was taking them , but I didn 't really want to think about it so I didn 't ask . When they were finished , they told me we just had to wait for the placenta to pass . Then I would be placed in a room for recovery and we could rest . After a while they took my daughter to clean her off and check her over . I laid back and closed my eyes . Still no placenta . The doctor came back , and said she was going to try and help the placenta along . That hurt . The epidural had completely worn off by now , which meant I wasn 't shaking at least , but it meant I could feel it entirely . Finally , she gave up , still with no placenta . She told me they would have to remove the placenta surgically . When she said that I instantly pictured a C - section but for the placenta , and I was so disappointed . After all I went through successfully avoiding the knife , I was still going into surgery just for the placenta . Fortunately , the doctor assured me , while it was called a surgery , there was no cutting involved . They could reach in and remove my placenta from the usual route , but since it would stretch my cervix out manually it would be way to painful to do while I was awake . I could not have been more relieved . Before surgery the nurses suggested I try to breast feed her . I opened my gown and tried to get her into a good position . It was difficult to get her situated right . She is a long baby , longer than my torso is wide and longer than my little forearm . The nurse started to help me , and then she looked at my breast . " You have flat nipples . Your pregnancy should have prepared your nipples better , it will be hard for her to latch on to them . " She tried to help me get the baby to latch , but no luck . Another nurse tried too , and still no luck . The second nurse said to me , " Your nipples are too flat for her . You will spend a long time trying to feed your baby . You will have sore and cracked nipples , and it will hurt a lot . " I was tired and their words cut through me . I felt like I was not good enough for my baby , like I had already failed her . When I say they helped me , both women had reached in and grabbed my breast without asking , and tried to shove it in my infant 's mouth . One of them kept pushing the breast in the baby 's mouth , and then pulling it back to make sure her nose was clear to breath . It seemed to me like that must have been endlessly frustrating for my daughter , like someone giving you a bit of cake and then holding the rest of the slice just out of your reach . I did not successfully breastfeed before I had to go to surgery . As they were getting ready to cart me off to the operating room . I offered the baby to my husband . " Are you sure its ok for me to take her , should we ask the nurses ? " This whole process had seemed so out of our control , it felt really good to realize I could assert my own opinion over this at the very least . " She is our daughter , we decide if its ok . Take her . " I also told him not to let the nurses give her formula while they were waiting . I would try to breast feed again after surgery . I didn 't want her getting used to formula or bottles , which could make it harder to breastfeed . They had told us the procedure would be very quick , 10 minutes . When we got to the operating room , and the same anesthesiologist that gave me the epidural was waiting for us . He explained that general anesthesia had higher risks for pregnant women , which I still counted as , and he could give me freezing through the catheter from the epidural , which nobody had removed yet . When a doctor tells you one option is less risky than another , you go for the less risky one . Especially when you are exhausted and a little scared and just want to get back to your new baby that you barely know yet . I laid back on the table , and they gave me an oxygen mask . The next thing I remember the room was spinning . It took me a minute , but it occurred to me I should tell the doctors this . I opened my mouth to say so , and I found I had difficulty speaking . This woke my brain up a bit more , and I focused to get the words out . Its hard to describe the sensation . I knew what I wanted to say , and I knew I had to make myself understood , but I just couldn 't get the words out . By this point I also realized something much more important than my slurred speech or the spinning room : I was not even the slightest bit numb , not anywhere . It took all the concentration I had to verbalize this , but I did it . The doctors looked worried . I could tell right away this was not a common reaction . They told me to breath deeply from the oxygen mask . They gave me tests to verify that I did continue to have sensation despite the freezing agent they gave me . I lifted limbs , I told them when I felt a touch on my legs , and I turned my head this way and that . Then I remembered something : this was supposed to be a quick procedure . We had surely surpassed the ten minute mark ages ago , and my husband was probably starting to worry . I turned to the closest nurse , and I tried to say , " Can someone tell my husband what is happening so he doesn 't worry . " It took forever to get that simple sentence out , and since it wasn 't particularly clear I had to repeat it a few times before I was understood . They assured me that someone would update my husband . It did not occur to me at the time that whatever they would tell my husband it was sure to make him worry quite a bit . I couldn 't tell you why I was so certain that I was perfectly fine , but I was . My mind was crystal clear , so I guess I figured the rest would wear off with the drugs . Once those immediate concerns were taken care of , I started to worry about the procedure . One way or another my placenta had to come out . The doctor who delivered the baby had told me that the reason this procedure had to be done under anesthetic was because of how painful it was , and I was remembering those terrible contractions which were only stretching my cervix a little at a time . I wasn 't sure if I could still get the general anesthetic after having the freezing agent . What if the drugs couldn 't be mixed ? The doctors and nurses all seemed very busy around me . Then the anesthesiologist came in close and said the most comforting thing I could imagine , " Patti , we are going to put you under , ok ? " I nodded vigorously and focused all my speaking efforts on the clearest yes I could muster . What seemed to me like seconds later I woke up . I panicked a little ; that was too quick . They could not possibly have done anything in that time . I hadn 't been asleep at all ! The anesthesiologist was there , so I asked him why they hadn 't done the procedure . I was so worried that I hadn 't even noticed I was talking normally again . He reassured me that they had time to do everything they needed , that I had been under general so of course I couldn 't remember it . When you wake up from sleep , even a deep sleep , you have some sense that time has passed . You can often misjudge how much time , but you are aware that some amount of time went . This was not like that ; I had awoken with the sense that no time had gone by at all . Not just a vague sense either , I was convinced . It was a jarring experience . I looked around , and realized I was in a different room , and there were two new nurses with me . I looked at my hands , and I had a new IV catheter in my wrist along with the one that was still attached to an IV on the back of my hand and a new bandage on my other wrist . I had no idea how any of these things had gotten there , nor how I had arrived in this new room . If I thought that was unsettling , the nurse then asked if I knew what year it was . Perhaps that is always what they ask when people wake up from general , but there is something unnerving about being asked a question like that . That there was the slightest chance I might not know the answer or come up with the wrong one was very disturbing . They wouldn 't ask you the question if there was no chance of getting it wrong . There were several similar questions and small tests of mobility during my recovery . I recognized these tests for what they were immediately , they were making sure I had not suffered brain damage . Eventually the doctor explained that I had either suffered a stroke or overdosed on the medication . This was why they were checking for brain damage and memory loss . The doctor said that given my age an overdose was much more likely , and since I seemed to have no lasting effects there was no reason to do further tests . However there were some irregularities in my heart rhythm , so he had someone come by and give me an ECG . He was just going to finish his notes to put on my chart , and then he would send for a transfer guy to bring me to my room . The recovery nurse was very nice . She sat and chatted with me , which helped keep me distracted while all I wanted was to get back to my husband and baby . As soon as they allowed him Alex came to see me in recovery leaving the baby with the nurses . He was very relieved to see that I was doing alright , and I felt better just being able to talk to him for a minute . He quickly went back to our new daughter because he didn 't want her to be without one of us for too long . In the weeks to follow I have come to believe that him spending those first few hours of her life alone with her ( well there were nurses in and out and his mother was around but he was the only parent ) gave him a rare chance to strongly bond with her . The nurses showed him how to change her diaper and how to swaddle her in a blanket . When I finally did get back to my room , to me he had suddenly morphed into this father out of nowhere . He held her confidently , swaddled her easily , and changed her without complaint . While I would not have wished my experience on any new mother , I am glad that my husband had the opportunity to bond with out daughter without the possibility of handing her off to anyone . Its impossible to say for sure , but I believe it is something that will shape their relationship for years to come . To give you an idea of the timing of all these events we got to the hospital Wednesday evening , I was started on the induction drugs Thursday afternoon , my daughter was born at 9 : 30pm Thursday night , and I was returned to my room at 2am Friday morning . The next few days were a blur . At some point in the chaos between having the baby and going into surgery I had spiked a fever for a little while , so they kept me on the iv and gave me antibiotics . The following things happened , but the order of them is lost to my memory : I received two more ECGs , various nurses tried to help me breast feed my daughter to no avail , the doctor who delivered my daughter came by to check on us both ( this happened Friday because she distinctly told us we could leave that day , which we were subsequently not allowed to do ) , a paediatrician came by to check the baby , we were given use of one of the hospital 's breast pumps , a lactation consultant came by to help me with getting the baby to latch on properly also to no avail , we were told by nurses that we could not go home until either the baby successfully breastfed or we gave her formula , and when we finally acquiesced and gave her the formula we were then told I could not leave until a cardiologist signed off on it after examining me and seeing my ECGs . After all we had been through we spent a whole day waiting around for the cardiologist . At one point he sent someone to check on me and tell me he might not make it in to see me until the next morning . Apparently someone had told him we were staying until the following day anyways . We told the messenger that the cardiologist was all we were waiting for before leaving , and we would really like to be able to go home as soon as possible . Several hours later the cardiologist arrived , fairly late in the evening . He listened to my heart beat , and told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me . He said that to a non - specialist my ECGs would look abnormal , but that they were not . I had nothing to worry about , and was fine to go home . I sent my husband to fetch the nurse as soon as the cardiologist left . She was a little baffled that we didn 't want to wait for morning , but at this point I was not willing to give any other professional a chance to decide we had to stay for something else . The nurse brought us our paperwork , had a brief argument with us about how bundled our little one needed to be in the car . I hadn 't thought about travel when I packed for her , so while we had a few sleepers , they were sacks that did not have individual legs or a hole for the carseat buckle . We put her in heavy socks , a onesie , and doubled up on blankets which finally satisfied the nurse . Finally , in the middle of the night , we had packed up our new daughter and we left the hospital for home .
|
This is my birth story , not the story of my birth but of what happened in early December when I gave birth . I am putting it here because I wanted to share it with anyone who cared to read it . It has very little knitting in it , so I completely understand if you don 't want to read it . If that is the case feel free to stop here ; I would not be offended or hurt . I will also warn you at this point that I will get somewhat graphic concerning the medical details . I will not be holding anything back , so if that is something you would not want to read please do not continue . I am including a few photos , and I assure you that none of those will be graphic at all . This story starts with a knit night . I am the manager of a knitting store called Passionknit in Toronto . The owner holds a private knit night with some friends there once a month . ( There is a public knit night on Thursday evenings if you are interested , its always a good time . ) December 3rd was one of those monthly knit nights , and I knew it would be the last one I attended before I had my baby . I had started thinking of everything in terms of whether it was likely to happen before or after the baby , or how old my baby was likely to be when it happened . Christmas & New Year 's Eve , she would likely be a few weeks old . It was a toss up if she was going to be around for Hannuka this year , and when my brother 's wedding rolls around she will be 4 months old . I had been working all day at the shop . It was my intention to keep working until my due date unless she came early . Everyone will tell you your first baby is usually late , and I was 11 days late myself . So I had every expectation of making it to my due date and beyond . After work I went and got myself a slice of pizza for dinner . When I returned with my dinner I went to the bathroom and passed a very large amount of mucus . I had read that most pregnant women lose their mucus plug slowly leading up to giving birth , so I did not assume that would mean labour right away . In case it continued to come I put on a pad and went back to my pizza . I had decided to google losing your mucus plug after I finished eating just to make sure I was right , but I thought it was likely not something I would want to read about while finishing my dinner . I never got the chance to make that google search . Before I finished my dinner the store owner and a few of the knitters started to arrive . I got caught up in chatting and quickly forgot about my worries . This may seem foolish , but don 't forget my mommy brain was at its prime . Then at one point I shifted in my seat and I felt a gush . A part of me instantly knew what it was and what it meant , but I wasn 't ready to admit it . Fortunately I had put that pad on because most of what came out was absorbed , so I didn 't have a giant stain on my pants and in fact had made no noticeable change whatsoever . I calmly excused myself to the bathroom , and accepted some ribbing considering I had just gone a very short time ago . As a 9 months pregnant person , though , you can always get away with a trip to the bathroom . When I saw how much liquid there was I could not deny it to myself . My water had broken . Knit night had just barely begun , and I thought about telling nobody , enjoying the rest of the night and telling my husband when he came to pick me up . We could go to the hospital then , and what could be the harm ? I hadn 't had a single contraction , and I did not feel as though I was in labour . But then I realized I could not really go on without telling my husband what was happening . I typed out a text to him , and stared at it for some time before pressing send . I needed to get home , and get all our stuff together for the hospital . I needed to relax and not be in a room full of women chattering away for the next three hours . I needed calm and quiet . I walked back upstairs with the full intention of letting everyone know why I was leaving early . I looked around . The few people that had arrived already were discussing a new yarn we had just gotten , and a new pattern to knit with it ( Koigu Kersti , a lovely hand dyed dk weight yarn ) . Without thinking I entered the conversation automatically , and suddenly I realized I missed my chance to interject . I had been talking about yarn and patterns too long to suddenly bust in with , and oh by the way , my water just broke . I still hadn 't formed such a sentence out loud , and the prospect of doing so now was too daunting . I texted my husband to tell him I couldn 't manage to tell anyone around me . He was reassuring . He told me not to say anything if I didn 't want to , it was my right . He was on his way to come get me , and we could easily say I was too tired to stay long . I was so relieved at the thought that I didn 't have to say it out loud to anyone . While I waited for my husband to arrive more people came . My coworker who had been with me at the shop all day had stepped out for coffee . She was also the person who would be taking over for me during my maternity leave , so I decided to text her the news , a text was so much easier than actually saying something . I told her what had happened and that I wasn 't announcing it to the group . I thought she might want to get a head start on planning who would be with her in the shop the rest of the week , since it looked like I was going to be leaving a bit early . When she got back she found a private moment to give me a hug and some words of encouragement . I still felt normal , like nothing out of the ordinary was happening . Soon after that my husband arrived , we made our excuses and headed home . I texted my coworker that she could tell the group once we were safely away . I got a flurry of texts of encouragement and congratulations , but I still felt like I had done nothing to earn them . My pregnant body did not feel any different than it had that morning , and it was hard to believe I was only going to continue to be pregnant for a short time . When we got home we started getting organized for the hospital visit . I had a bag packed , but there were several things that needed to be added to it at the last minute . Fruit for snacks while we were there , which could not have been left in the suitcase indefinitely , our toothbrushes and other toiletries ( which we ended up forgetting anyways ) , and some extra things to pack for baby like the blanket I had just finished knitting . I pulled out the pamphlet about when to go the hospital and what to bring . Mostly they focus on the 4 - 1 - 1 rule , when your contractions are 4 minutes apart , 1 minute long and have been like that for 1 hour that 's when you go to the hospital . The pamphlet also said that if your water breaks to call the hospital right away , so I did . They told us we should come in immediately . So in the middle of the night we packed up the car and went to the hospital without having had a single contraction . I had planned for a long labour process at home , I had several ideas about how to distract myself during early labour with knitting , Netflix , video games and reading . Of course I had some knitting packed up to go to the hospital , but I never thought it would have to sustain me through what ended up being several days , though it turned out most of the time I didn 't feel much like knitting , which if you know me at all you know means I was really out of sorts . When we got to the hospital before they would set me up in a delivery room they wanted to confirm that my water had broken . They had me walk around in a hospital gown with a pad in , waiting for more of my waters to be released . A doctor came to examine me , and a simple test confirmed that yes my membranes had ruptured , i . e . my water had broken . Part of me had been hoping they would tell me that I had overreacted and I was certainly not in labour and I could just go home and relax . Instead they told me that I needed to have this baby within 24 hours . They didn 't say what would happen if I didn 't , and I was too nervous to ask . Really I knew what happened when the hospital thinks you need to give birth within a certain time frame , either you do or they give you a c - section , which was the thing I most wanted to avoid . I didn 't really want to hear any doctor say that word to me at all , so I didn 't ask about it . That may have been a silly position to take , but I was in a pretty fragile state . Besides I had taken the time to learn what all the interventions were , and what they would mean for me and my baby . I felt I had the facts in hand , but that didn 't mean I would really knew what I was in for . The doctor gave me a medication to soften my cervix , the first step of intervention on my journey . He said it would make it easier for contractions to get going . It was a topical medicine , which meant that for it to have time to work on my cervix I had to stay lying down for an hour to make sure it stayed where it was put . After that time had passed the nurses told me they would get me into a room , but it turned out it was a crowded night at the maternity ward , so they had to clean one up for me . While I waited for my room to get cleaned I paced the hallway of the maternity ward , not a very big place , but they had told me not to leave the ward . I knew that walking helped speed up labour , so I walked as much as I could . It was very early the next morning before I got settled into a delivery room . I got some sleep , not much with the stress of being somewhere weird and everything else , but some , which was helpful because the next night I got none whatsoever . The nurses had told me that in the morning they would call my regular OB and she would come for the remainder of my labour and delivery , which had been an enormous relief . However , when morning came , no doctor . At first the nurses said they were having trouble getting ahold of her , and eventually I found out that my OB was away for the entire week but the doctor on call would come see me soon . Eventually she did , and gave me more of the same medication I had the night before . This meant another hour in bed , and a bit of a wait to see if it brought on contractions . It didn 't . As soon as they let me I walked doing laps around the maternity ward with my husband . Still no contractions . I walked so much that the nurses started to warn me about wearing myself out . I was going to need a lot of strength to get through the next bit . I tried to take a bit of a nap , but it was hard to settle . I was nervous and anxious and alert every minor twinge held the hope of becoming a contraction . I had a few very mild cramps , mild enough that I could not bring myself to call them contractions . Slowly they became longer and closer together , but they still seemed quite mild compared to what I was expecting for labour pains . The nurses arranged a shower for me , which felt like the pique of luxury . Shortly thereafter the doctor saw me again . I had not dilated very much , and I knew we were closing in on my 24 hour deadline from the night before . They started me on oxytocin at that point , which was about mid afternoon . This meant I had to have an IV , and stay strapped to the baby monitors for the rest of the labour . The monitor straps were the worst part of it all ; they were tight around my belly , which had gotten used to being treated quite delicately . They also meant I had to stay in bed the rest of the labour , which was a great disappointment to me . Walking had given me something to do , and made me feel like I could help in some way since it was the only thing I knew of that could make labour progress faster , aside from the drugs they were now pumping into me . Periodically they would up the dose of the oxytocin , doubling the amount each time . I started frequently requesting they let me up to use the bathroom . Sometimes just for the break from the monitoring straps and so I could shift my position and walk a bit , even if it was just across the very small room . I would take my time like I never have , occasionally pausing to make sure I had a contraction while I was in there . Every contraction that happened without the straps was a relief . The contractions got more intense and closer together , but remained manageable . They would have been easier to take if I had more freedom to move around the way I wanted . In our prenatal classes my husband and I had practiced several supportive labour poses , but in the end we used none of them . The entirety of what felt like real labour to me happened while I was in that bed strapped to machines that severely limited my movement . At some point one of the nurses suggested I could lay on my side , and if that didn 't disrupt the baby monitors I would be allowed to stay like that for a while . Before I was pregnant I had either slept on my stomach or my back . In the early stages of pregnancy I had to relinquish sleeping on my stomach and eventually my back as well was off limits . I had been longing for the days when I could go back to sleeping on my back and stomach . So I never expected to feel such relief and gratitude at being told I could be on my side instead of my back for a short period of time . The prenatal nurses were lovely . They checked on me frequently , they always asked if I needed anything , and they did everything they could to make sure I was as comfortable as possible . As the next shift change approached the nurses who were looking after me were very considerately trying to leave things well set up for the nurse taking over for the night . They checked my dilation , only three centimetres , which means I had increased about 1cm in two hours . I had hours and hours to go , but I was making progress . Just before leaving they also increased my oxytocin again . The new nurse arrived , the old nurses gave her a quick rundown of everything , and they left . Then the first contraction came after the new oxytocin dose . It was unreal . Up until this point contractions had been painful , but I could handle them . This was like nothing else ; it was worlds from the last contraction . That first one was bad , but I remembered my breathing . I gripped my husband 's hand , and got through it . But it took a lot out of me , my resolve my energy , and my focus were all drained . Then came another , much closer than the previous ones had , and it was worse . So it continued , and it wasn 't long before I completely lost it . I tried to fight the contractions , I stopped breathing , I was reduced to just saying " No no no no no . . . " and I even got the point where I started clawing at all the medical equipment attached to me . My husband was amazing through it all . He kept telling me to breath , that it would be ok and it would be over soon . I have never loved him more than in those moments , he literally kept me sane . If he hadn 't been there , the moment the nurse left me alone I would have ripped off every piece of medical equipment , and run through the halls of the hospital as if I could escape the pain somehow . That was what my brain was telling me to do , run away escape , get out of this somehow . It wasn 't long into this that I gave in and asked for an epidural . I could barely take another minute of this , and I knew I must have had hours to go . I was 3cm , full dilation is 10cm , and it took me 2 hours to go from 2cm to 3cm . I knew as the contractions got stronger they were also more effective , so you would dilate faster , but I still didn 't like the way that math was turning out . I had a few contractions while waiting for the anesthesiologist to come , but they were easier to get through because I knew they would be the last I had to manage . What I hadn 't counted on was how difficult it was to get an epidural . The doctor was very nice , and he very politely and swiftly went through the major risks and side effects of the epidural and got my consent to begin . I had to sit on the edge of the bed , hold my back in a curve , and ( this was the hardest ) relax my shoulders . This man was about to stick a needle into my spine , which if done incorrectly could cause some serious problems , while I was having the worst pain of my life come and go every minute or so , and I had to relax . And of course while doing all that I had to remain completely still . He asked me to warn him when I felt a contraction coming on , since he knew it would be much less likely for me to remain still during a contraction . I went through several contractions during the process , and at one point he turned to the nurse and said , " Her contractions are one minute apart , and she is only 3cm ? " That was my first clue that things might have been not quite what I thought . The second the epidural kicked in I felt the most amazing relief . The knowledge that I was not going to have to experience one more of those contractions itself was incredibly comforting , but feeling the pain of them slip away was amazing . A large part of me wonders if those contractions would have been so bad if I hadn 't been on the oxytocin , which does supposedly make contractions more intense . The problem with that is how can you compare one woman 's contractions to another ? Pain is not something you can measure , and its not something you can really translate to language . Maybe the oxytocin was responsible for making my contractions a lot more intense than those I might have felt in a natural labour , or maybe there was no difference but because they ramped up really suddenly I was not prepared for them . There is no way to ever know , but I was glad that when I decided I could not take it anymore a doctor was right there , and he came quickly and gave me relief . As soon as the drugs started kicking in , they got me back in bed lying down , while I could still feel my legs . The anesthesiologist gave me a button to press that would give me a quick burst of drugs if I felt I needed it . He assured me that the machine is programmed to not allow me to overdose myself , so I could press it as much as I needed . I thanked him profusely , words could not describe how grateful I was to him at that moment . Then I started to shake . The nurse assured me it was a normal side effect of the drugs , and I shouldn 't worry about it . My arms and upper body shook the rest of the time I was on the epidural drugs . It got to be so bad that I worried I wouldn 't be able to hold onto the baby after she was born . Once I was settled back into the bed , the nurse decided to check my progress again . She was very excited , but I did not have the mental energy for this game . Even if it was going faster than expected I really did not want to think about how much longer I had . Even though it would be a lot easier now , I was tired both mentally and physically . " I don 't know . " I was shocked . I thought I had hours . I had mainly asked for the epidural because while I could have taken a few more of those contractions , I knew I would go insane trying to take them for hours and hours . She went to call the doctor , and when she came back I could feel something ready to be pushed out . " Then go ahead and push . " I did . I expected some sort of result right away , but there was nothing . I pushed harder , and still nothing . The doctor came back with several nurses , and she confirmed we were ready to go . The doctor said it helped if I had something to brace my legs against , so the nurses crowded around me and held my legs . Then they told me to push , so many people around me just telling me to push , push , push harder , forget about breathing just push . That felt like the strangest instruction to me . The entire labour breathing was the one thing I had to go back to . Focus on your breathing is what they tell you to for each contraction . Its what my husband yelled at me when I was going nuts with those terrible contractions . Now they asked me to forget all that , and put everything I had into pushing . I couldn 't . I pushed with all my might for a a few moments , and then I stopped to catch my breath . They all coached me again , push , push , don 't worry about breathing , push again , push harder . This happened a total of three maybe four times . I can 't be sure exactly , but I know I can count the number of pushes on one hand . After the last push I felt it work , and some huge thing moved through me . Then I heard a cry . I was too tired to really process what had happened . The nurse helped me open my gown , and placed my daughter on my chest . I was still shaking bad , but I was lying down so there was little chance I might drop her . She was red and squirming and she felt terribly foreign to me . I remember thinking , what the heck is this thing they just handed me , what do I do with this ? But I cuddled her and comforted her , and she stopped screaming . They had stopped the drugs in the epidural as soon as she was out , so my shaking was starting to slow down . I started to come back to my surroundings . I noticed the doctor and nurses were still busy doing something down there . With great disappointment I looked at my husband and said , " They are stitching me , aren 't they ? " I had really hoped I wouldn 't need stitches mostly because the thought of stitches healing down there was simply incomprehensible . The doctor and nurses looked up at me in alarm , they asked quickly if I could feel what they were doing . I assured them that I felt a slight pressure nothing more , and they went back to work . I wasn 't looking forward to how that was going to feel once the drugs wore off , but nothing could be done about that now . I never asked how many stitches they gave me , and nobody volunteered the information . I knew it was several based on how long it was taking them , but I didn 't really want to think about it so I didn 't ask . When they were finished , they told me we just had to wait for the placenta to pass . Then I would be placed in a room for recovery and we could rest . After a while they took my daughter to clean her off and check her over . I laid back and closed my eyes . Still no placenta . The doctor came back , and said she was going to try and help the placenta along . That hurt . The epidural had completely worn off by now , which meant I wasn 't shaking at least , but it meant I could feel it entirely . Finally , she gave up , still with no placenta . She told me they would have to remove the placenta surgically . When she said that I instantly pictured a C - section but for the placenta , and I was so disappointed . After all I went through successfully avoiding the knife , I was still going into surgery just for the placenta . Fortunately , the doctor assured me , while it was called a surgery , there was no cutting involved . They could reach in and remove my placenta from the usual route , but since it would stretch my cervix out manually it would be way to painful to do while I was awake . I could not have been more relieved . Before surgery the nurses suggested I try to breast feed her . I opened my gown and tried to get her into a good position . It was difficult to get her situated right . She is a long baby , longer than my torso is wide and longer than my little forearm . The nurse started to help me , and then she looked at my breast . " You have flat nipples . Your pregnancy should have prepared your nipples better , it will be hard for her to latch on to them . " She tried to help me get the baby to latch , but no luck . Another nurse tried too , and still no luck . The second nurse said to me , " Your nipples are too flat for her . You will spend a long time trying to feed your baby . You will have sore and cracked nipples , and it will hurt a lot . " I was tired and their words cut through me . I felt like I was not good enough for my baby , like I had already failed her . When I say they helped me , both women had reached in and grabbed my breast without asking , and tried to shove it in my infant 's mouth . One of them kept pushing the breast in the baby 's mouth , and then pulling it back to make sure her nose was clear to breath . It seemed to me like that must have been endlessly frustrating for my daughter , like someone giving you a bit of cake and then holding the rest of the slice just out of your reach . I did not successfully breastfeed before I had to go to surgery . As they were getting ready to cart me off to the operating room . I offered the baby to my husband . " Are you sure its ok for me to take her , should we ask the nurses ? " This whole process had seemed so out of our control , it felt really good to realize I could assert my own opinion over this at the very least . " She is our daughter , we decide if its ok . Take her . " I also told him not to let the nurses give her formula while they were waiting . I would try to breast feed again after surgery . I didn 't want her getting used to formula or bottles , which could make it harder to breastfeed . They had told us the procedure would be very quick , 10 minutes . When we got to the operating room , and the same anesthesiologist that gave me the epidural was waiting for us . He explained that general anesthesia had higher risks for pregnant women , which I still counted as , and he could give me freezing through the catheter from the epidural , which nobody had removed yet . When a doctor tells you one option is less risky than another , you go for the less risky one . Especially when you are exhausted and a little scared and just want to get back to your new baby that you barely know yet . I laid back on the table , and they gave me an oxygen mask . The next thing I remember the room was spinning . It took me a minute , but it occurred to me I should tell the doctors this . I opened my mouth to say so , and I found I had difficulty speaking . This woke my brain up a bit more , and I focused to get the words out . Its hard to describe the sensation . I knew what I wanted to say , and I knew I had to make myself understood , but I just couldn 't get the words out . By this point I also realized something much more important than my slurred speech or the spinning room : I was not even the slightest bit numb , not anywhere . It took all the concentration I had to verbalize this , but I did it . The doctors looked worried . I could tell right away this was not a common reaction . They told me to breath deeply from the oxygen mask . They gave me tests to verify that I did continue to have sensation despite the freezing agent they gave me . I lifted limbs , I told them when I felt a touch on my legs , and I turned my head this way and that . Then I remembered something : this was supposed to be a quick procedure . We had surely surpassed the ten minute mark ages ago , and my husband was probably starting to worry . I turned to the closest nurse , and I tried to say , " Can someone tell my husband what is happening so he doesn 't worry . " It took forever to get that simple sentence out , and since it wasn 't particularly clear I had to repeat it a few times before I was understood . They assured me that someone would update my husband . It did not occur to me at the time that whatever they would tell my husband it was sure to make him worry quite a bit . I couldn 't tell you why I was so certain that I was perfectly fine , but I was . My mind was crystal clear , so I guess I figured the rest would wear off with the drugs . Once those immediate concerns were taken care of , I started to worry about the procedure . One way or another my placenta had to come out . The doctor who delivered the baby had told me that the reason this procedure had to be done under anesthetic was because of how painful it was , and I was remembering those terrible contractions which were only stretching my cervix a little at a time . I wasn 't sure if I could still get the general anesthetic after having the freezing agent . What if the drugs couldn 't be mixed ? The doctors and nurses all seemed very busy around me . Then the anesthesiologist came in close and said the most comforting thing I could imagine , " Patti , we are going to put you under , ok ? " I nodded vigorously and focused all my speaking efforts on the clearest yes I could muster . What seemed to me like seconds later I woke up . I panicked a little ; that was too quick . They could not possibly have done anything in that time . I hadn 't been asleep at all ! The anesthesiologist was there , so I asked him why they hadn 't done the procedure . I was so worried that I hadn 't even noticed I was talking normally again . He reassured me that they had time to do everything they needed , that I had been under general so of course I couldn 't remember it . When you wake up from sleep , even a deep sleep , you have some sense that time has passed . You can often misjudge how much time , but you are aware that some amount of time went . This was not like that ; I had awoken with the sense that no time had gone by at all . Not just a vague sense either , I was convinced . It was a jarring experience . I looked around , and realized I was in a different room , and there were two new nurses with me . I looked at my hands , and I had a new IV catheter in my wrist along with the one that was still attached to an IV on the back of my hand and a new bandage on my other wrist . I had no idea how any of these things had gotten there , nor how I had arrived in this new room . If I thought that was unsettling , the nurse then asked if I knew what year it was . Perhaps that is always what they ask when people wake up from general , but there is something unnerving about being asked a question like that . That there was the slightest chance I might not know the answer or come up with the wrong one was very disturbing . They wouldn 't ask you the question if there was no chance of getting it wrong . There were several similar questions and small tests of mobility during my recovery . I recognized these tests for what they were immediately , they were making sure I had not suffered brain damage . Eventually the doctor explained that I had either suffered a stroke or overdosed on the medication . This was why they were checking for brain damage and memory loss . The doctor said that given my age an overdose was much more likely , and since I seemed to have no lasting effects there was no reason to do further tests . However there were some irregularities in my heart rhythm , so he had someone come by and give me an ECG . He was just going to finish his notes to put on my chart , and then he would send for a transfer guy to bring me to my room . The recovery nurse was very nice . She sat and chatted with me , which helped keep me distracted while all I wanted was to get back to my husband and baby . As soon as they allowed him Alex came to see me in recovery leaving the baby with the nurses . He was very relieved to see that I was doing alright , and I felt better just being able to talk to him for a minute . He quickly went back to our new daughter because he didn 't want her to be without one of us for too long . In the weeks to follow I have come to believe that him spending those first few hours of her life alone with her ( well there were nurses in and out and his mother was around but he was the only parent ) gave him a rare chance to strongly bond with her . The nurses showed him how to change her diaper and how to swaddle her in a blanket . When I finally did get back to my room , to me he had suddenly morphed into this father out of nowhere . He held her confidently , swaddled her easily , and changed her without complaint . While I would not have wished my experience on any new mother , I am glad that my husband had the opportunity to bond with out daughter without the possibility of handing her off to anyone . Its impossible to say for sure , but I believe it is something that will shape their relationship for years to come . To give you an idea of the timing of all these events we got to the hospital Wednesday evening , I was started on the induction drugs Thursday afternoon , my daughter was born at 9 : 30pm Thursday night , and I was returned to my room at 2am Friday morning . The next few days were a blur . At some point in the chaos between having the baby and going into surgery I had spiked a fever for a little while , so they kept me on the iv and gave me antibiotics . The following things happened , but the order of them is lost to my memory : I received two more ECGs , various nurses tried to help me breast feed my daughter to no avail , the doctor who delivered my daughter came by to check on us both ( this happened Friday because she distinctly told us we could leave that day , which we were subsequently not allowed to do ) , a paediatrician came by to check the baby , we were given use of one of the hospital 's breast pumps , a lactation consultant came by to help me with getting the baby to latch on properly also to no avail , we were told by nurses that we could not go home until either the baby successfully breastfed or we gave her formula , and when we finally acquiesced and gave her the formula we were then told I could not leave until a cardiologist signed off on it after examining me and seeing my ECGs . After all we had been through we spent a whole day waiting around for the cardiologist . At one point he sent someone to check on me and tell me he might not make it in to see me until the next morning . Apparently someone had told him we were staying until the following day anyways . We told the messenger that the cardiologist was all we were waiting for before leaving , and we would really like to be able to go home as soon as possible . Several hours later the cardiologist arrived , fairly late in the evening . He listened to my heart beat , and told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me . He said that to a non - specialist my ECGs would look abnormal , but that they were not . I had nothing to worry about , and was fine to go home . I sent my husband to fetch the nurse as soon as the cardiologist left . She was a little baffled that we didn 't want to wait for morning , but at this point I was not willing to give any other professional a chance to decide we had to stay for something else . The nurse brought us our paperwork , had a brief argument with us about how bundled our little one needed to be in the car . I hadn 't thought about travel when I packed for her , so while we had a few sleepers , they were sacks that did not have individual legs or a hole for the carseat buckle . We put her in heavy socks , a onesie , and doubled up on blankets which finally satisfied the nurse . Finally , in the middle of the night , we had packed up our new daughter and we left the hospital for home .
|
This is my birth story , not the story of my birth but of what happened in early December when I gave birth . I am putting it here because I wanted to share it with anyone who cared to read it . It has very little knitting in it , so I completely understand if you don 't want to read it . If that is the case feel free to stop here ; I would not be offended or hurt . I will also warn you at this point that I will get somewhat graphic concerning the medical details . I will not be holding anything back , so if that is something you would not want to read please do not continue . I am including a few photos , and I assure you that none of those will be graphic at all . This story starts with a knit night . I am the manager of a knitting store called Passionknit in Toronto . The owner holds a private knit night with some friends there once a month . ( There is a public knit night on Thursday evenings if you are interested , its always a good time . ) December 3rd was one of those monthly knit nights , and I knew it would be the last one I attended before I had my baby . I had started thinking of everything in terms of whether it was likely to happen before or after the baby , or how old my baby was likely to be when it happened . Christmas & New Year 's Eve , she would likely be a few weeks old . It was a toss up if she was going to be around for Hannuka this year , and when my brother 's wedding rolls around she will be 4 months old . I had been working all day at the shop . It was my intention to keep working until my due date unless she came early . Everyone will tell you your first baby is usually late , and I was 11 days late myself . So I had every expectation of making it to my due date and beyond . After work I went and got myself a slice of pizza for dinner . When I returned with my dinner I went to the bathroom and passed a very large amount of mucus . I had read that most pregnant women lose their mucus plug slowly leading up to giving birth , so I did not assume that would mean labour right away . In case it continued to come I put on a pad and went back to my pizza . I had decided to google losing your mucus plug after I finished eating just to make sure I was right , but I thought it was likely not something I would want to read about while finishing my dinner . I never got the chance to make that google search . Before I finished my dinner the store owner and a few of the knitters started to arrive . I got caught up in chatting and quickly forgot about my worries . This may seem foolish , but don 't forget my mommy brain was at its prime . Then at one point I shifted in my seat and I felt a gush . A part of me instantly knew what it was and what it meant , but I wasn 't ready to admit it . Fortunately I had put that pad on because most of what came out was absorbed , so I didn 't have a giant stain on my pants and in fact had made no noticeable change whatsoever . I calmly excused myself to the bathroom , and accepted some ribbing considering I had just gone a very short time ago . As a 9 months pregnant person , though , you can always get away with a trip to the bathroom . When I saw how much liquid there was I could not deny it to myself . My water had broken . Knit night had just barely begun , and I thought about telling nobody , enjoying the rest of the night and telling my husband when he came to pick me up . We could go to the hospital then , and what could be the harm ? I hadn 't had a single contraction , and I did not feel as though I was in labour . But then I realized I could not really go on without telling my husband what was happening . I typed out a text to him , and stared at it for some time before pressing send . I needed to get home , and get all our stuff together for the hospital . I needed to relax and not be in a room full of women chattering away for the next three hours . I needed calm and quiet . I walked back upstairs with the full intention of letting everyone know why I was leaving early . I looked around . The few people that had arrived already were discussing a new yarn we had just gotten , and a new pattern to knit with it ( Koigu Kersti , a lovely hand dyed dk weight yarn ) . Without thinking I entered the conversation automatically , and suddenly I realized I missed my chance to interject . I had been talking about yarn and patterns too long to suddenly bust in with , and oh by the way , my water just broke . I still hadn 't formed such a sentence out loud , and the prospect of doing so now was too daunting . I texted my husband to tell him I couldn 't manage to tell anyone around me . He was reassuring . He told me not to say anything if I didn 't want to , it was my right . He was on his way to come get me , and we could easily say I was too tired to stay long . I was so relieved at the thought that I didn 't have to say it out loud to anyone . While I waited for my husband to arrive more people came . My coworker who had been with me at the shop all day had stepped out for coffee . She was also the person who would be taking over for me during my maternity leave , so I decided to text her the news , a text was so much easier than actually saying something . I told her what had happened and that I wasn 't announcing it to the group . I thought she might want to get a head start on planning who would be with her in the shop the rest of the week , since it looked like I was going to be leaving a bit early . When she got back she found a private moment to give me a hug and some words of encouragement . I still felt normal , like nothing out of the ordinary was happening . Soon after that my husband arrived , we made our excuses and headed home . I texted my coworker that she could tell the group once we were safely away . I got a flurry of texts of encouragement and congratulations , but I still felt like I had done nothing to earn them . My pregnant body did not feel any different than it had that morning , and it was hard to believe I was only going to continue to be pregnant for a short time . When we got home we started getting organized for the hospital visit . I had a bag packed , but there were several things that needed to be added to it at the last minute . Fruit for snacks while we were there , which could not have been left in the suitcase indefinitely , our toothbrushes and other toiletries ( which we ended up forgetting anyways ) , and some extra things to pack for baby like the blanket I had just finished knitting . I pulled out the pamphlet about when to go the hospital and what to bring . Mostly they focus on the 4 - 1 - 1 rule , when your contractions are 4 minutes apart , 1 minute long and have been like that for 1 hour that 's when you go to the hospital . The pamphlet also said that if your water breaks to call the hospital right away , so I did . They told us we should come in immediately . So in the middle of the night we packed up the car and went to the hospital without having had a single contraction . I had planned for a long labour process at home , I had several ideas about how to distract myself during early labour with knitting , Netflix , video games and reading . Of course I had some knitting packed up to go to the hospital , but I never thought it would have to sustain me through what ended up being several days , though it turned out most of the time I didn 't feel much like knitting , which if you know me at all you know means I was really out of sorts . When we got to the hospital before they would set me up in a delivery room they wanted to confirm that my water had broken . They had me walk around in a hospital gown with a pad in , waiting for more of my waters to be released . A doctor came to examine me , and a simple test confirmed that yes my membranes had ruptured , i . e . my water had broken . Part of me had been hoping they would tell me that I had overreacted and I was certainly not in labour and I could just go home and relax . Instead they told me that I needed to have this baby within 24 hours . They didn 't say what would happen if I didn 't , and I was too nervous to ask . Really I knew what happened when the hospital thinks you need to give birth within a certain time frame , either you do or they give you a c - section , which was the thing I most wanted to avoid . I didn 't really want to hear any doctor say that word to me at all , so I didn 't ask about it . That may have been a silly position to take , but I was in a pretty fragile state . Besides I had taken the time to learn what all the interventions were , and what they would mean for me and my baby . I felt I had the facts in hand , but that didn 't mean I would really knew what I was in for . The doctor gave me a medication to soften my cervix , the first step of intervention on my journey . He said it would make it easier for contractions to get going . It was a topical medicine , which meant that for it to have time to work on my cervix I had to stay lying down for an hour to make sure it stayed where it was put . After that time had passed the nurses told me they would get me into a room , but it turned out it was a crowded night at the maternity ward , so they had to clean one up for me . While I waited for my room to get cleaned I paced the hallway of the maternity ward , not a very big place , but they had told me not to leave the ward . I knew that walking helped speed up labour , so I walked as much as I could . It was very early the next morning before I got settled into a delivery room . I got some sleep , not much with the stress of being somewhere weird and everything else , but some , which was helpful because the next night I got none whatsoever . The nurses had told me that in the morning they would call my regular OB and she would come for the remainder of my labour and delivery , which had been an enormous relief . However , when morning came , no doctor . At first the nurses said they were having trouble getting ahold of her , and eventually I found out that my OB was away for the entire week but the doctor on call would come see me soon . Eventually she did , and gave me more of the same medication I had the night before . This meant another hour in bed , and a bit of a wait to see if it brought on contractions . It didn 't . As soon as they let me I walked doing laps around the maternity ward with my husband . Still no contractions . I walked so much that the nurses started to warn me about wearing myself out . I was going to need a lot of strength to get through the next bit . I tried to take a bit of a nap , but it was hard to settle . I was nervous and anxious and alert every minor twinge held the hope of becoming a contraction . I had a few very mild cramps , mild enough that I could not bring myself to call them contractions . Slowly they became longer and closer together , but they still seemed quite mild compared to what I was expecting for labour pains . The nurses arranged a shower for me , which felt like the pique of luxury . Shortly thereafter the doctor saw me again . I had not dilated very much , and I knew we were closing in on my 24 hour deadline from the night before . They started me on oxytocin at that point , which was about mid afternoon . This meant I had to have an IV , and stay strapped to the baby monitors for the rest of the labour . The monitor straps were the worst part of it all ; they were tight around my belly , which had gotten used to being treated quite delicately . They also meant I had to stay in bed the rest of the labour , which was a great disappointment to me . Walking had given me something to do , and made me feel like I could help in some way since it was the only thing I knew of that could make labour progress faster , aside from the drugs they were now pumping into me . Periodically they would up the dose of the oxytocin , doubling the amount each time . I started frequently requesting they let me up to use the bathroom . Sometimes just for the break from the monitoring straps and so I could shift my position and walk a bit , even if it was just across the very small room . I would take my time like I never have , occasionally pausing to make sure I had a contraction while I was in there . Every contraction that happened without the straps was a relief . The contractions got more intense and closer together , but remained manageable . They would have been easier to take if I had more freedom to move around the way I wanted . In our prenatal classes my husband and I had practiced several supportive labour poses , but in the end we used none of them . The entirety of what felt like real labour to me happened while I was in that bed strapped to machines that severely limited my movement . At some point one of the nurses suggested I could lay on my side , and if that didn 't disrupt the baby monitors I would be allowed to stay like that for a while . Before I was pregnant I had either slept on my stomach or my back . In the early stages of pregnancy I had to relinquish sleeping on my stomach and eventually my back as well was off limits . I had been longing for the days when I could go back to sleeping on my back and stomach . So I never expected to feel such relief and gratitude at being told I could be on my side instead of my back for a short period of time . The prenatal nurses were lovely . They checked on me frequently , they always asked if I needed anything , and they did everything they could to make sure I was as comfortable as possible . As the next shift change approached the nurses who were looking after me were very considerately trying to leave things well set up for the nurse taking over for the night . They checked my dilation , only three centimetres , which means I had increased about 1cm in two hours . I had hours and hours to go , but I was making progress . Just before leaving they also increased my oxytocin again . The new nurse arrived , the old nurses gave her a quick rundown of everything , and they left . Then the first contraction came after the new oxytocin dose . It was unreal . Up until this point contractions had been painful , but I could handle them . This was like nothing else ; it was worlds from the last contraction . That first one was bad , but I remembered my breathing . I gripped my husband 's hand , and got through it . But it took a lot out of me , my resolve my energy , and my focus were all drained . Then came another , much closer than the previous ones had , and it was worse . So it continued , and it wasn 't long before I completely lost it . I tried to fight the contractions , I stopped breathing , I was reduced to just saying " No no no no no . . . " and I even got the point where I started clawing at all the medical equipment attached to me . My husband was amazing through it all . He kept telling me to breath , that it would be ok and it would be over soon . I have never loved him more than in those moments , he literally kept me sane . If he hadn 't been there , the moment the nurse left me alone I would have ripped off every piece of medical equipment , and run through the halls of the hospital as if I could escape the pain somehow . That was what my brain was telling me to do , run away escape , get out of this somehow . It wasn 't long into this that I gave in and asked for an epidural . I could barely take another minute of this , and I knew I must have had hours to go . I was 3cm , full dilation is 10cm , and it took me 2 hours to go from 2cm to 3cm . I knew as the contractions got stronger they were also more effective , so you would dilate faster , but I still didn 't like the way that math was turning out . I had a few contractions while waiting for the anesthesiologist to come , but they were easier to get through because I knew they would be the last I had to manage . What I hadn 't counted on was how difficult it was to get an epidural . The doctor was very nice , and he very politely and swiftly went through the major risks and side effects of the epidural and got my consent to begin . I had to sit on the edge of the bed , hold my back in a curve , and ( this was the hardest ) relax my shoulders . This man was about to stick a needle into my spine , which if done incorrectly could cause some serious problems , while I was having the worst pain of my life come and go every minute or so , and I had to relax . And of course while doing all that I had to remain completely still . He asked me to warn him when I felt a contraction coming on , since he knew it would be much less likely for me to remain still during a contraction . I went through several contractions during the process , and at one point he turned to the nurse and said , " Her contractions are one minute apart , and she is only 3cm ? " That was my first clue that things might have been not quite what I thought . The second the epidural kicked in I felt the most amazing relief . The knowledge that I was not going to have to experience one more of those contractions itself was incredibly comforting , but feeling the pain of them slip away was amazing . A large part of me wonders if those contractions would have been so bad if I hadn 't been on the oxytocin , which does supposedly make contractions more intense . The problem with that is how can you compare one woman 's contractions to another ? Pain is not something you can measure , and its not something you can really translate to language . Maybe the oxytocin was responsible for making my contractions a lot more intense than those I might have felt in a natural labour , or maybe there was no difference but because they ramped up really suddenly I was not prepared for them . There is no way to ever know , but I was glad that when I decided I could not take it anymore a doctor was right there , and he came quickly and gave me relief . As soon as the drugs started kicking in , they got me back in bed lying down , while I could still feel my legs . The anesthesiologist gave me a button to press that would give me a quick burst of drugs if I felt I needed it . He assured me that the machine is programmed to not allow me to overdose myself , so I could press it as much as I needed . I thanked him profusely , words could not describe how grateful I was to him at that moment . Then I started to shake . The nurse assured me it was a normal side effect of the drugs , and I shouldn 't worry about it . My arms and upper body shook the rest of the time I was on the epidural drugs . It got to be so bad that I worried I wouldn 't be able to hold onto the baby after she was born . Once I was settled back into the bed , the nurse decided to check my progress again . She was very excited , but I did not have the mental energy for this game . Even if it was going faster than expected I really did not want to think about how much longer I had . Even though it would be a lot easier now , I was tired both mentally and physically . " I don 't know . " I was shocked . I thought I had hours . I had mainly asked for the epidural because while I could have taken a few more of those contractions , I knew I would go insane trying to take them for hours and hours . She went to call the doctor , and when she came back I could feel something ready to be pushed out . " Then go ahead and push . " I did . I expected some sort of result right away , but there was nothing . I pushed harder , and still nothing . The doctor came back with several nurses , and she confirmed we were ready to go . The doctor said it helped if I had something to brace my legs against , so the nurses crowded around me and held my legs . Then they told me to push , so many people around me just telling me to push , push , push harder , forget about breathing just push . That felt like the strangest instruction to me . The entire labour breathing was the one thing I had to go back to . Focus on your breathing is what they tell you to for each contraction . Its what my husband yelled at me when I was going nuts with those terrible contractions . Now they asked me to forget all that , and put everything I had into pushing . I couldn 't . I pushed with all my might for a a few moments , and then I stopped to catch my breath . They all coached me again , push , push , don 't worry about breathing , push again , push harder . This happened a total of three maybe four times . I can 't be sure exactly , but I know I can count the number of pushes on one hand . After the last push I felt it work , and some huge thing moved through me . Then I heard a cry . I was too tired to really process what had happened . The nurse helped me open my gown , and placed my daughter on my chest . I was still shaking bad , but I was lying down so there was little chance I might drop her . She was red and squirming and she felt terribly foreign to me . I remember thinking , what the heck is this thing they just handed me , what do I do with this ? But I cuddled her and comforted her , and she stopped screaming . They had stopped the drugs in the epidural as soon as she was out , so my shaking was starting to slow down . I started to come back to my surroundings . I noticed the doctor and nurses were still busy doing something down there . With great disappointment I looked at my husband and said , " They are stitching me , aren 't they ? " I had really hoped I wouldn 't need stitches mostly because the thought of stitches healing down there was simply incomprehensible . The doctor and nurses looked up at me in alarm , they asked quickly if I could feel what they were doing . I assured them that I felt a slight pressure nothing more , and they went back to work . I wasn 't looking forward to how that was going to feel once the drugs wore off , but nothing could be done about that now . I never asked how many stitches they gave me , and nobody volunteered the information . I knew it was several based on how long it was taking them , but I didn 't really want to think about it so I didn 't ask . When they were finished , they told me we just had to wait for the placenta to pass . Then I would be placed in a room for recovery and we could rest . After a while they took my daughter to clean her off and check her over . I laid back and closed my eyes . Still no placenta . The doctor came back , and said she was going to try and help the placenta along . That hurt . The epidural had completely worn off by now , which meant I wasn 't shaking at least , but it meant I could feel it entirely . Finally , she gave up , still with no placenta . She told me they would have to remove the placenta surgically . When she said that I instantly pictured a C - section but for the placenta , and I was so disappointed . After all I went through successfully avoiding the knife , I was still going into surgery just for the placenta . Fortunately , the doctor assured me , while it was called a surgery , there was no cutting involved . They could reach in and remove my placenta from the usual route , but since it would stretch my cervix out manually it would be way to painful to do while I was awake . I could not have been more relieved . Before surgery the nurses suggested I try to breast feed her . I opened my gown and tried to get her into a good position . It was difficult to get her situated right . She is a long baby , longer than my torso is wide and longer than my little forearm . The nurse started to help me , and then she looked at my breast . " You have flat nipples . Your pregnancy should have prepared your nipples better , it will be hard for her to latch on to them . " She tried to help me get the baby to latch , but no luck . Another nurse tried too , and still no luck . The second nurse said to me , " Your nipples are too flat for her . You will spend a long time trying to feed your baby . You will have sore and cracked nipples , and it will hurt a lot . " I was tired and their words cut through me . I felt like I was not good enough for my baby , like I had already failed her . When I say they helped me , both women had reached in and grabbed my breast without asking , and tried to shove it in my infant 's mouth . One of them kept pushing the breast in the baby 's mouth , and then pulling it back to make sure her nose was clear to breath . It seemed to me like that must have been endlessly frustrating for my daughter , like someone giving you a bit of cake and then holding the rest of the slice just out of your reach . I did not successfully breastfeed before I had to go to surgery . As they were getting ready to cart me off to the operating room . I offered the baby to my husband . " Are you sure its ok for me to take her , should we ask the nurses ? " This whole process had seemed so out of our control , it felt really good to realize I could assert my own opinion over this at the very least . " She is our daughter , we decide if its ok . Take her . " I also told him not to let the nurses give her formula while they were waiting . I would try to breast feed again after surgery . I didn 't want her getting used to formula or bottles , which could make it harder to breastfeed . They had told us the procedure would be very quick , 10 minutes . When we got to the operating room , and the same anesthesiologist that gave me the epidural was waiting for us . He explained that general anesthesia had higher risks for pregnant women , which I still counted as , and he could give me freezing through the catheter from the epidural , which nobody had removed yet . When a doctor tells you one option is less risky than another , you go for the less risky one . Especially when you are exhausted and a little scared and just want to get back to your new baby that you barely know yet . I laid back on the table , and they gave me an oxygen mask . The next thing I remember the room was spinning . It took me a minute , but it occurred to me I should tell the doctors this . I opened my mouth to say so , and I found I had difficulty speaking . This woke my brain up a bit more , and I focused to get the words out . Its hard to describe the sensation . I knew what I wanted to say , and I knew I had to make myself understood , but I just couldn 't get the words out . By this point I also realized something much more important than my slurred speech or the spinning room : I was not even the slightest bit numb , not anywhere . It took all the concentration I had to verbalize this , but I did it . The doctors looked worried . I could tell right away this was not a common reaction . They told me to breath deeply from the oxygen mask . They gave me tests to verify that I did continue to have sensation despite the freezing agent they gave me . I lifted limbs , I told them when I felt a touch on my legs , and I turned my head this way and that . Then I remembered something : this was supposed to be a quick procedure . We had surely surpassed the ten minute mark ages ago , and my husband was probably starting to worry . I turned to the closest nurse , and I tried to say , " Can someone tell my husband what is happening so he doesn 't worry . " It took forever to get that simple sentence out , and since it wasn 't particularly clear I had to repeat it a few times before I was understood . They assured me that someone would update my husband . It did not occur to me at the time that whatever they would tell my husband it was sure to make him worry quite a bit . I couldn 't tell you why I was so certain that I was perfectly fine , but I was . My mind was crystal clear , so I guess I figured the rest would wear off with the drugs . Once those immediate concerns were taken care of , I started to worry about the procedure . One way or another my placenta had to come out . The doctor who delivered the baby had told me that the reason this procedure had to be done under anesthetic was because of how painful it was , and I was remembering those terrible contractions which were only stretching my cervix a little at a time . I wasn 't sure if I could still get the general anesthetic after having the freezing agent . What if the drugs couldn 't be mixed ? The doctors and nurses all seemed very busy around me . Then the anesthesiologist came in close and said the most comforting thing I could imagine , " Patti , we are going to put you under , ok ? " I nodded vigorously and focused all my speaking efforts on the clearest yes I could muster . What seemed to me like seconds later I woke up . I panicked a little ; that was too quick . They could not possibly have done anything in that time . I hadn 't been asleep at all ! The anesthesiologist was there , so I asked him why they hadn 't done the procedure . I was so worried that I hadn 't even noticed I was talking normally again . He reassured me that they had time to do everything they needed , that I had been under general so of course I couldn 't remember it . When you wake up from sleep , even a deep sleep , you have some sense that time has passed . You can often misjudge how much time , but you are aware that some amount of time went . This was not like that ; I had awoken with the sense that no time had gone by at all . Not just a vague sense either , I was convinced . It was a jarring experience . I looked around , and realized I was in a different room , and there were two new nurses with me . I looked at my hands , and I had a new IV catheter in my wrist along with the one that was still attached to an IV on the back of my hand and a new bandage on my other wrist . I had no idea how any of these things had gotten there , nor how I had arrived in this new room . If I thought that was unsettling , the nurse then asked if I knew what year it was . Perhaps that is always what they ask when people wake up from general , but there is something unnerving about being asked a question like that . That there was the slightest chance I might not know the answer or come up with the wrong one was very disturbing . They wouldn 't ask you the question if there was no chance of getting it wrong . There were several similar questions and small tests of mobility during my recovery . I recognized these tests for what they were immediately , they were making sure I had not suffered brain damage . Eventually the doctor explained that I had either suffered a stroke or overdosed on the medication . This was why they were checking for brain damage and memory loss . The doctor said that given my age an overdose was much more likely , and since I seemed to have no lasting effects there was no reason to do further tests . However there were some irregularities in my heart rhythm , so he had someone come by and give me an ECG . He was just going to finish his notes to put on my chart , and then he would send for a transfer guy to bring me to my room . The recovery nurse was very nice . She sat and chatted with me , which helped keep me distracted while all I wanted was to get back to my husband and baby . As soon as they allowed him Alex came to see me in recovery leaving the baby with the nurses . He was very relieved to see that I was doing alright , and I felt better just being able to talk to him for a minute . He quickly went back to our new daughter because he didn 't want her to be without one of us for too long . In the weeks to follow I have come to believe that him spending those first few hours of her life alone with her ( well there were nurses in and out and his mother was around but he was the only parent ) gave him a rare chance to strongly bond with her . The nurses showed him how to change her diaper and how to swaddle her in a blanket . When I finally did get back to my room , to me he had suddenly morphed into this father out of nowhere . He held her confidently , swaddled her easily , and changed her without complaint . While I would not have wished my experience on any new mother , I am glad that my husband had the opportunity to bond with out daughter without the possibility of handing her off to anyone . Its impossible to say for sure , but I believe it is something that will shape their relationship for years to come . To give you an idea of the timing of all these events we got to the hospital Wednesday evening , I was started on the induction drugs Thursday afternoon , my daughter was born at 9 : 30pm Thursday night , and I was returned to my room at 2am Friday morning . The next few days were a blur . At some point in the chaos between having the baby and going into surgery I had spiked a fever for a little while , so they kept me on the iv and gave me antibiotics . The following things happened , but the order of them is lost to my memory : I received two more ECGs , various nurses tried to help me breast feed my daughter to no avail , the doctor who delivered my daughter came by to check on us both ( this happened Friday because she distinctly told us we could leave that day , which we were subsequently not allowed to do ) , a paediatrician came by to check the baby , we were given use of one of the hospital 's breast pumps , a lactation consultant came by to help me with getting the baby to latch on properly also to no avail , we were told by nurses that we could not go home until either the baby successfully breastfed or we gave her formula , and when we finally acquiesced and gave her the formula we were then told I could not leave until a cardiologist signed off on it after examining me and seeing my ECGs . After all we had been through we spent a whole day waiting around for the cardiologist . At one point he sent someone to check on me and tell me he might not make it in to see me until the next morning . Apparently someone had told him we were staying until the following day anyways . We told the messenger that the cardiologist was all we were waiting for before leaving , and we would really like to be able to go home as soon as possible . Several hours later the cardiologist arrived , fairly late in the evening . He listened to my heart beat , and told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me . He said that to a non - specialist my ECGs would look abnormal , but that they were not . I had nothing to worry about , and was fine to go home . I sent my husband to fetch the nurse as soon as the cardiologist left . She was a little baffled that we didn 't want to wait for morning , but at this point I was not willing to give any other professional a chance to decide we had to stay for something else . The nurse brought us our paperwork , had a brief argument with us about how bundled our little one needed to be in the car . I hadn 't thought about travel when I packed for her , so while we had a few sleepers , they were sacks that did not have individual legs or a hole for the carseat buckle . We put her in heavy socks , a onesie , and doubled up on blankets which finally satisfied the nurse . Finally , in the middle of the night , we had packed up our new daughter and we left the hospital for home .
|
This is my birth story , not the story of my birth but of what happened in early December when I gave birth . I am putting it here because I wanted to share it with anyone who cared to read it . It has very little knitting in it , so I completely understand if you don 't want to read it . If that is the case feel free to stop here ; I would not be offended or hurt . I will also warn you at this point that I will get somewhat graphic concerning the medical details . I will not be holding anything back , so if that is something you would not want to read please do not continue . I am including a few photos , and I assure you that none of those will be graphic at all . This story starts with a knit night . I am the manager of a knitting store called Passionknit in Toronto . The owner holds a private knit night with some friends there once a month . ( There is a public knit night on Thursday evenings if you are interested , its always a good time . ) December 3rd was one of those monthly knit nights , and I knew it would be the last one I attended before I had my baby . I had started thinking of everything in terms of whether it was likely to happen before or after the baby , or how old my baby was likely to be when it happened . Christmas & New Year 's Eve , she would likely be a few weeks old . It was a toss up if she was going to be around for Hannuka this year , and when my brother 's wedding rolls around she will be 4 months old . I had been working all day at the shop . It was my intention to keep working until my due date unless she came early . Everyone will tell you your first baby is usually late , and I was 11 days late myself . So I had every expectation of making it to my due date and beyond . After work I went and got myself a slice of pizza for dinner . When I returned with my dinner I went to the bathroom and passed a very large amount of mucus . I had read that most pregnant women lose their mucus plug slowly leading up to giving birth , so I did not assume that would mean labour right away . In case it continued to come I put on a pad and went back to my pizza . I had decided to google losing your mucus plug after I finished eating just to make sure I was right , but I thought it was likely not something I would want to read about while finishing my dinner . I never got the chance to make that google search . Before I finished my dinner the store owner and a few of the knitters started to arrive . I got caught up in chatting and quickly forgot about my worries . This may seem foolish , but don 't forget my mommy brain was at its prime . Then at one point I shifted in my seat and I felt a gush . A part of me instantly knew what it was and what it meant , but I wasn 't ready to admit it . Fortunately I had put that pad on because most of what came out was absorbed , so I didn 't have a giant stain on my pants and in fact had made no noticeable change whatsoever . I calmly excused myself to the bathroom , and accepted some ribbing considering I had just gone a very short time ago . As a 9 months pregnant person , though , you can always get away with a trip to the bathroom . When I saw how much liquid there was I could not deny it to myself . My water had broken . Knit night had just barely begun , and I thought about telling nobody , enjoying the rest of the night and telling my husband when he came to pick me up . We could go to the hospital then , and what could be the harm ? I hadn 't had a single contraction , and I did not feel as though I was in labour . But then I realized I could not really go on without telling my husband what was happening . I typed out a text to him , and stared at it for some time before pressing send . I needed to get home , and get all our stuff together for the hospital . I needed to relax and not be in a room full of women chattering away for the next three hours . I needed calm and quiet . I walked back upstairs with the full intention of letting everyone know why I was leaving early . I looked around . The few people that had arrived already were discussing a new yarn we had just gotten , and a new pattern to knit with it ( Koigu Kersti , a lovely hand dyed dk weight yarn ) . Without thinking I entered the conversation automatically , and suddenly I realized I missed my chance to interject . I had been talking about yarn and patterns too long to suddenly bust in with , and oh by the way , my water just broke . I still hadn 't formed such a sentence out loud , and the prospect of doing so now was too daunting . I texted my husband to tell him I couldn 't manage to tell anyone around me . He was reassuring . He told me not to say anything if I didn 't want to , it was my right . He was on his way to come get me , and we could easily say I was too tired to stay long . I was so relieved at the thought that I didn 't have to say it out loud to anyone . While I waited for my husband to arrive more people came . My coworker who had been with me at the shop all day had stepped out for coffee . She was also the person who would be taking over for me during my maternity leave , so I decided to text her the news , a text was so much easier than actually saying something . I told her what had happened and that I wasn 't announcing it to the group . I thought she might want to get a head start on planning who would be with her in the shop the rest of the week , since it looked like I was going to be leaving a bit early . When she got back she found a private moment to give me a hug and some words of encouragement . I still felt normal , like nothing out of the ordinary was happening . Soon after that my husband arrived , we made our excuses and headed home . I texted my coworker that she could tell the group once we were safely away . I got a flurry of texts of encouragement and congratulations , but I still felt like I had done nothing to earn them . My pregnant body did not feel any different than it had that morning , and it was hard to believe I was only going to continue to be pregnant for a short time . When we got home we started getting organized for the hospital visit . I had a bag packed , but there were several things that needed to be added to it at the last minute . Fruit for snacks while we were there , which could not have been left in the suitcase indefinitely , our toothbrushes and other toiletries ( which we ended up forgetting anyways ) , and some extra things to pack for baby like the blanket I had just finished knitting . I pulled out the pamphlet about when to go the hospital and what to bring . Mostly they focus on the 4 - 1 - 1 rule , when your contractions are 4 minutes apart , 1 minute long and have been like that for 1 hour that 's when you go to the hospital . The pamphlet also said that if your water breaks to call the hospital right away , so I did . They told us we should come in immediately . So in the middle of the night we packed up the car and went to the hospital without having had a single contraction . I had planned for a long labour process at home , I had several ideas about how to distract myself during early labour with knitting , Netflix , video games and reading . Of course I had some knitting packed up to go to the hospital , but I never thought it would have to sustain me through what ended up being several days , though it turned out most of the time I didn 't feel much like knitting , which if you know me at all you know means I was really out of sorts . When we got to the hospital before they would set me up in a delivery room they wanted to confirm that my water had broken . They had me walk around in a hospital gown with a pad in , waiting for more of my waters to be released . A doctor came to examine me , and a simple test confirmed that yes my membranes had ruptured , i . e . my water had broken . Part of me had been hoping they would tell me that I had overreacted and I was certainly not in labour and I could just go home and relax . Instead they told me that I needed to have this baby within 24 hours . They didn 't say what would happen if I didn 't , and I was too nervous to ask . Really I knew what happened when the hospital thinks you need to give birth within a certain time frame , either you do or they give you a c - section , which was the thing I most wanted to avoid . I didn 't really want to hear any doctor say that word to me at all , so I didn 't ask about it . That may have been a silly position to take , but I was in a pretty fragile state . Besides I had taken the time to learn what all the interventions were , and what they would mean for me and my baby . I felt I had the facts in hand , but that didn 't mean I would really knew what I was in for . The doctor gave me a medication to soften my cervix , the first step of intervention on my journey . He said it would make it easier for contractions to get going . It was a topical medicine , which meant that for it to have time to work on my cervix I had to stay lying down for an hour to make sure it stayed where it was put . After that time had passed the nurses told me they would get me into a room , but it turned out it was a crowded night at the maternity ward , so they had to clean one up for me . While I waited for my room to get cleaned I paced the hallway of the maternity ward , not a very big place , but they had told me not to leave the ward . I knew that walking helped speed up labour , so I walked as much as I could . It was very early the next morning before I got settled into a delivery room . I got some sleep , not much with the stress of being somewhere weird and everything else , but some , which was helpful because the next night I got none whatsoever . The nurses had told me that in the morning they would call my regular OB and she would come for the remainder of my labour and delivery , which had been an enormous relief . However , when morning came , no doctor . At first the nurses said they were having trouble getting ahold of her , and eventually I found out that my OB was away for the entire week but the doctor on call would come see me soon . Eventually she did , and gave me more of the same medication I had the night before . This meant another hour in bed , and a bit of a wait to see if it brought on contractions . It didn 't . As soon as they let me I walked doing laps around the maternity ward with my husband . Still no contractions . I walked so much that the nurses started to warn me about wearing myself out . I was going to need a lot of strength to get through the next bit . I tried to take a bit of a nap , but it was hard to settle . I was nervous and anxious and alert every minor twinge held the hope of becoming a contraction . I had a few very mild cramps , mild enough that I could not bring myself to call them contractions . Slowly they became longer and closer together , but they still seemed quite mild compared to what I was expecting for labour pains . The nurses arranged a shower for me , which felt like the pique of luxury . Shortly thereafter the doctor saw me again . I had not dilated very much , and I knew we were closing in on my 24 hour deadline from the night before . They started me on oxytocin at that point , which was about mid afternoon . This meant I had to have an IV , and stay strapped to the baby monitors for the rest of the labour . The monitor straps were the worst part of it all ; they were tight around my belly , which had gotten used to being treated quite delicately . They also meant I had to stay in bed the rest of the labour , which was a great disappointment to me . Walking had given me something to do , and made me feel like I could help in some way since it was the only thing I knew of that could make labour progress faster , aside from the drugs they were now pumping into me . Periodically they would up the dose of the oxytocin , doubling the amount each time . I started frequently requesting they let me up to use the bathroom . Sometimes just for the break from the monitoring straps and so I could shift my position and walk a bit , even if it was just across the very small room . I would take my time like I never have , occasionally pausing to make sure I had a contraction while I was in there . Every contraction that happened without the straps was a relief . The contractions got more intense and closer together , but remained manageable . They would have been easier to take if I had more freedom to move around the way I wanted . In our prenatal classes my husband and I had practiced several supportive labour poses , but in the end we used none of them . The entirety of what felt like real labour to me happened while I was in that bed strapped to machines that severely limited my movement . At some point one of the nurses suggested I could lay on my side , and if that didn 't disrupt the baby monitors I would be allowed to stay like that for a while . Before I was pregnant I had either slept on my stomach or my back . In the early stages of pregnancy I had to relinquish sleeping on my stomach and eventually my back as well was off limits . I had been longing for the days when I could go back to sleeping on my back and stomach . So I never expected to feel such relief and gratitude at being told I could be on my side instead of my back for a short period of time . The prenatal nurses were lovely . They checked on me frequently , they always asked if I needed anything , and they did everything they could to make sure I was as comfortable as possible . As the next shift change approached the nurses who were looking after me were very considerately trying to leave things well set up for the nurse taking over for the night . They checked my dilation , only three centimetres , which means I had increased about 1cm in two hours . I had hours and hours to go , but I was making progress . Just before leaving they also increased my oxytocin again . The new nurse arrived , the old nurses gave her a quick rundown of everything , and they left . Then the first contraction came after the new oxytocin dose . It was unreal . Up until this point contractions had been painful , but I could handle them . This was like nothing else ; it was worlds from the last contraction . That first one was bad , but I remembered my breathing . I gripped my husband 's hand , and got through it . But it took a lot out of me , my resolve my energy , and my focus were all drained . Then came another , much closer than the previous ones had , and it was worse . So it continued , and it wasn 't long before I completely lost it . I tried to fight the contractions , I stopped breathing , I was reduced to just saying " No no no no no . . . " and I even got the point where I started clawing at all the medical equipment attached to me . My husband was amazing through it all . He kept telling me to breath , that it would be ok and it would be over soon . I have never loved him more than in those moments , he literally kept me sane . If he hadn 't been there , the moment the nurse left me alone I would have ripped off every piece of medical equipment , and run through the halls of the hospital as if I could escape the pain somehow . That was what my brain was telling me to do , run away escape , get out of this somehow . It wasn 't long into this that I gave in and asked for an epidural . I could barely take another minute of this , and I knew I must have had hours to go . I was 3cm , full dilation is 10cm , and it took me 2 hours to go from 2cm to 3cm . I knew as the contractions got stronger they were also more effective , so you would dilate faster , but I still didn 't like the way that math was turning out . I had a few contractions while waiting for the anesthesiologist to come , but they were easier to get through because I knew they would be the last I had to manage . What I hadn 't counted on was how difficult it was to get an epidural . The doctor was very nice , and he very politely and swiftly went through the major risks and side effects of the epidural and got my consent to begin . I had to sit on the edge of the bed , hold my back in a curve , and ( this was the hardest ) relax my shoulders . This man was about to stick a needle into my spine , which if done incorrectly could cause some serious problems , while I was having the worst pain of my life come and go every minute or so , and I had to relax . And of course while doing all that I had to remain completely still . He asked me to warn him when I felt a contraction coming on , since he knew it would be much less likely for me to remain still during a contraction . I went through several contractions during the process , and at one point he turned to the nurse and said , " Her contractions are one minute apart , and she is only 3cm ? " That was my first clue that things might have been not quite what I thought . The second the epidural kicked in I felt the most amazing relief . The knowledge that I was not going to have to experience one more of those contractions itself was incredibly comforting , but feeling the pain of them slip away was amazing . A large part of me wonders if those contractions would have been so bad if I hadn 't been on the oxytocin , which does supposedly make contractions more intense . The problem with that is how can you compare one woman 's contractions to another ? Pain is not something you can measure , and its not something you can really translate to language . Maybe the oxytocin was responsible for making my contractions a lot more intense than those I might have felt in a natural labour , or maybe there was no difference but because they ramped up really suddenly I was not prepared for them . There is no way to ever know , but I was glad that when I decided I could not take it anymore a doctor was right there , and he came quickly and gave me relief . As soon as the drugs started kicking in , they got me back in bed lying down , while I could still feel my legs . The anesthesiologist gave me a button to press that would give me a quick burst of drugs if I felt I needed it . He assured me that the machine is programmed to not allow me to overdose myself , so I could press it as much as I needed . I thanked him profusely , words could not describe how grateful I was to him at that moment . Then I started to shake . The nurse assured me it was a normal side effect of the drugs , and I shouldn 't worry about it . My arms and upper body shook the rest of the time I was on the epidural drugs . It got to be so bad that I worried I wouldn 't be able to hold onto the baby after she was born . Once I was settled back into the bed , the nurse decided to check my progress again . She was very excited , but I did not have the mental energy for this game . Even if it was going faster than expected I really did not want to think about how much longer I had . Even though it would be a lot easier now , I was tired both mentally and physically . " I don 't know . " I was shocked . I thought I had hours . I had mainly asked for the epidural because while I could have taken a few more of those contractions , I knew I would go insane trying to take them for hours and hours . She went to call the doctor , and when she came back I could feel something ready to be pushed out . " Then go ahead and push . " I did . I expected some sort of result right away , but there was nothing . I pushed harder , and still nothing . The doctor came back with several nurses , and she confirmed we were ready to go . The doctor said it helped if I had something to brace my legs against , so the nurses crowded around me and held my legs . Then they told me to push , so many people around me just telling me to push , push , push harder , forget about breathing just push . That felt like the strangest instruction to me . The entire labour breathing was the one thing I had to go back to . Focus on your breathing is what they tell you to for each contraction . Its what my husband yelled at me when I was going nuts with those terrible contractions . Now they asked me to forget all that , and put everything I had into pushing . I couldn 't . I pushed with all my might for a a few moments , and then I stopped to catch my breath . They all coached me again , push , push , don 't worry about breathing , push again , push harder . This happened a total of three maybe four times . I can 't be sure exactly , but I know I can count the number of pushes on one hand . After the last push I felt it work , and some huge thing moved through me . Then I heard a cry . I was too tired to really process what had happened . The nurse helped me open my gown , and placed my daughter on my chest . I was still shaking bad , but I was lying down so there was little chance I might drop her . She was red and squirming and she felt terribly foreign to me . I remember thinking , what the heck is this thing they just handed me , what do I do with this ? But I cuddled her and comforted her , and she stopped screaming . They had stopped the drugs in the epidural as soon as she was out , so my shaking was starting to slow down . I started to come back to my surroundings . I noticed the doctor and nurses were still busy doing something down there . With great disappointment I looked at my husband and said , " They are stitching me , aren 't they ? " I had really hoped I wouldn 't need stitches mostly because the thought of stitches healing down there was simply incomprehensible . The doctor and nurses looked up at me in alarm , they asked quickly if I could feel what they were doing . I assured them that I felt a slight pressure nothing more , and they went back to work . I wasn 't looking forward to how that was going to feel once the drugs wore off , but nothing could be done about that now . I never asked how many stitches they gave me , and nobody volunteered the information . I knew it was several based on how long it was taking them , but I didn 't really want to think about it so I didn 't ask . When they were finished , they told me we just had to wait for the placenta to pass . Then I would be placed in a room for recovery and we could rest . After a while they took my daughter to clean her off and check her over . I laid back and closed my eyes . Still no placenta . The doctor came back , and said she was going to try and help the placenta along . That hurt . The epidural had completely worn off by now , which meant I wasn 't shaking at least , but it meant I could feel it entirely . Finally , she gave up , still with no placenta . She told me they would have to remove the placenta surgically . When she said that I instantly pictured a C - section but for the placenta , and I was so disappointed . After all I went through successfully avoiding the knife , I was still going into surgery just for the placenta . Fortunately , the doctor assured me , while it was called a surgery , there was no cutting involved . They could reach in and remove my placenta from the usual route , but since it would stretch my cervix out manually it would be way to painful to do while I was awake . I could not have been more relieved . Before surgery the nurses suggested I try to breast feed her . I opened my gown and tried to get her into a good position . It was difficult to get her situated right . She is a long baby , longer than my torso is wide and longer than my little forearm . The nurse started to help me , and then she looked at my breast . " You have flat nipples . Your pregnancy should have prepared your nipples better , it will be hard for her to latch on to them . " She tried to help me get the baby to latch , but no luck . Another nurse tried too , and still no luck . The second nurse said to me , " Your nipples are too flat for her . You will spend a long time trying to feed your baby . You will have sore and cracked nipples , and it will hurt a lot . " I was tired and their words cut through me . I felt like I was not good enough for my baby , like I had already failed her . When I say they helped me , both women had reached in and grabbed my breast without asking , and tried to shove it in my infant 's mouth . One of them kept pushing the breast in the baby 's mouth , and then pulling it back to make sure her nose was clear to breath . It seemed to me like that must have been endlessly frustrating for my daughter , like someone giving you a bit of cake and then holding the rest of the slice just out of your reach . I did not successfully breastfeed before I had to go to surgery . As they were getting ready to cart me off to the operating room . I offered the baby to my husband . " Are you sure its ok for me to take her , should we ask the nurses ? " This whole process had seemed so out of our control , it felt really good to realize I could assert my own opinion over this at the very least . " She is our daughter , we decide if its ok . Take her . " I also told him not to let the nurses give her formula while they were waiting . I would try to breast feed again after surgery . I didn 't want her getting used to formula or bottles , which could make it harder to breastfeed . They had told us the procedure would be very quick , 10 minutes . When we got to the operating room , and the same anesthesiologist that gave me the epidural was waiting for us . He explained that general anesthesia had higher risks for pregnant women , which I still counted as , and he could give me freezing through the catheter from the epidural , which nobody had removed yet . When a doctor tells you one option is less risky than another , you go for the less risky one . Especially when you are exhausted and a little scared and just want to get back to your new baby that you barely know yet . I laid back on the table , and they gave me an oxygen mask . The next thing I remember the room was spinning . It took me a minute , but it occurred to me I should tell the doctors this . I opened my mouth to say so , and I found I had difficulty speaking . This woke my brain up a bit more , and I focused to get the words out . Its hard to describe the sensation . I knew what I wanted to say , and I knew I had to make myself understood , but I just couldn 't get the words out . By this point I also realized something much more important than my slurred speech or the spinning room : I was not even the slightest bit numb , not anywhere . It took all the concentration I had to verbalize this , but I did it . The doctors looked worried . I could tell right away this was not a common reaction . They told me to breath deeply from the oxygen mask . They gave me tests to verify that I did continue to have sensation despite the freezing agent they gave me . I lifted limbs , I told them when I felt a touch on my legs , and I turned my head this way and that . Then I remembered something : this was supposed to be a quick procedure . We had surely surpassed the ten minute mark ages ago , and my husband was probably starting to worry . I turned to the closest nurse , and I tried to say , " Can someone tell my husband what is happening so he doesn 't worry . " It took forever to get that simple sentence out , and since it wasn 't particularly clear I had to repeat it a few times before I was understood . They assured me that someone would update my husband . It did not occur to me at the time that whatever they would tell my husband it was sure to make him worry quite a bit . I couldn 't tell you why I was so certain that I was perfectly fine , but I was . My mind was crystal clear , so I guess I figured the rest would wear off with the drugs . Once those immediate concerns were taken care of , I started to worry about the procedure . One way or another my placenta had to come out . The doctor who delivered the baby had told me that the reason this procedure had to be done under anesthetic was because of how painful it was , and I was remembering those terrible contractions which were only stretching my cervix a little at a time . I wasn 't sure if I could still get the general anesthetic after having the freezing agent . What if the drugs couldn 't be mixed ? The doctors and nurses all seemed very busy around me . Then the anesthesiologist came in close and said the most comforting thing I could imagine , " Patti , we are going to put you under , ok ? " I nodded vigorously and focused all my speaking efforts on the clearest yes I could muster . What seemed to me like seconds later I woke up . I panicked a little ; that was too quick . They could not possibly have done anything in that time . I hadn 't been asleep at all ! The anesthesiologist was there , so I asked him why they hadn 't done the procedure . I was so worried that I hadn 't even noticed I was talking normally again . He reassured me that they had time to do everything they needed , that I had been under general so of course I couldn 't remember it . When you wake up from sleep , even a deep sleep , you have some sense that time has passed . You can often misjudge how much time , but you are aware that some amount of time went . This was not like that ; I had awoken with the sense that no time had gone by at all . Not just a vague sense either , I was convinced . It was a jarring experience . I looked around , and realized I was in a different room , and there were two new nurses with me . I looked at my hands , and I had a new IV catheter in my wrist along with the one that was still attached to an IV on the back of my hand and a new bandage on my other wrist . I had no idea how any of these things had gotten there , nor how I had arrived in this new room . If I thought that was unsettling , the nurse then asked if I knew what year it was . Perhaps that is always what they ask when people wake up from general , but there is something unnerving about being asked a question like that . That there was the slightest chance I might not know the answer or come up with the wrong one was very disturbing . They wouldn 't ask you the question if there was no chance of getting it wrong . There were several similar questions and small tests of mobility during my recovery . I recognized these tests for what they were immediately , they were making sure I had not suffered brain damage . Eventually the doctor explained that I had either suffered a stroke or overdosed on the medication . This was why they were checking for brain damage and memory loss . The doctor said that given my age an overdose was much more likely , and since I seemed to have no lasting effects there was no reason to do further tests . However there were some irregularities in my heart rhythm , so he had someone come by and give me an ECG . He was just going to finish his notes to put on my chart , and then he would send for a transfer guy to bring me to my room . The recovery nurse was very nice . She sat and chatted with me , which helped keep me distracted while all I wanted was to get back to my husband and baby . As soon as they allowed him Alex came to see me in recovery leaving the baby with the nurses . He was very relieved to see that I was doing alright , and I felt better just being able to talk to him for a minute . He quickly went back to our new daughter because he didn 't want her to be without one of us for too long . In the weeks to follow I have come to believe that him spending those first few hours of her life alone with her ( well there were nurses in and out and his mother was around but he was the only parent ) gave him a rare chance to strongly bond with her . The nurses showed him how to change her diaper and how to swaddle her in a blanket . When I finally did get back to my room , to me he had suddenly morphed into this father out of nowhere . He held her confidently , swaddled her easily , and changed her without complaint . While I would not have wished my experience on any new mother , I am glad that my husband had the opportunity to bond with out daughter without the possibility of handing her off to anyone . Its impossible to say for sure , but I believe it is something that will shape their relationship for years to come . To give you an idea of the timing of all these events we got to the hospital Wednesday evening , I was started on the induction drugs Thursday afternoon , my daughter was born at 9 : 30pm Thursday night , and I was returned to my room at 2am Friday morning . The next few days were a blur . At some point in the chaos between having the baby and going into surgery I had spiked a fever for a little while , so they kept me on the iv and gave me antibiotics . The following things happened , but the order of them is lost to my memory : I received two more ECGs , various nurses tried to help me breast feed my daughter to no avail , the doctor who delivered my daughter came by to check on us both ( this happened Friday because she distinctly told us we could leave that day , which we were subsequently not allowed to do ) , a paediatrician came by to check the baby , we were given use of one of the hospital 's breast pumps , a lactation consultant came by to help me with getting the baby to latch on properly also to no avail , we were told by nurses that we could not go home until either the baby successfully breastfed or we gave her formula , and when we finally acquiesced and gave her the formula we were then told I could not leave until a cardiologist signed off on it after examining me and seeing my ECGs . After all we had been through we spent a whole day waiting around for the cardiologist . At one point he sent someone to check on me and tell me he might not make it in to see me until the next morning . Apparently someone had told him we were staying until the following day anyways . We told the messenger that the cardiologist was all we were waiting for before leaving , and we would really like to be able to go home as soon as possible . Several hours later the cardiologist arrived , fairly late in the evening . He listened to my heart beat , and told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me . He said that to a non - specialist my ECGs would look abnormal , but that they were not . I had nothing to worry about , and was fine to go home . I sent my husband to fetch the nurse as soon as the cardiologist left . She was a little baffled that we didn 't want to wait for morning , but at this point I was not willing to give any other professional a chance to decide we had to stay for something else . The nurse brought us our paperwork , had a brief argument with us about how bundled our little one needed to be in the car . I hadn 't thought about travel when I packed for her , so while we had a few sleepers , they were sacks that did not have individual legs or a hole for the carseat buckle . We put her in heavy socks , a onesie , and doubled up on blankets which finally satisfied the nurse . Finally , in the middle of the night , we had packed up our new daughter and we left the hospital for home .
|
So on Monday , after our mad dash across the state Saturday , complete with whirlwind moving in and getting ready for the get - together on Sunday , Monday seemed like a good day to take off . It was raining anyhow , and according to a brochure we picked up , many antique dealers are closed Monday on that stretch of road . You should check it out . Here 's a link . Except you have to cut and paste it . Blogger is being an ass again . http : / / www . antiquescapital . com Up until a few years ago , I had no interest whatsoever in antiques . Then my former spouse mentioned going through her parents ' crystal collection , and I was reminded that I had inherited some Carnival glass from my Aunt Lucy . I discovered it had little marks on the bottom . I discovered you could look up these marks and patterns on line . I started matching my stuff with these marks . I started realizing it was pretty ! I decided I had to have more . But I am not a great shopper , not even for things I like , so this sort of thing happens no more than twice a year , max . We live near Plant City , another antique Mecca , and we vacation near Apalachicola , likewise . So occasionally we go looking for glass . It reminds me of my grandparents ' house , which is a very pleasant memory for me . And Joyce thinks some of it looks nice . Not all of it , though , as you will see , because I have also re - discovered milk glass , homely relative of Carnival glass . And we have limited space so I have to be pretty judicious about it , and have limited myself mostly to animal - themed items . And then we use it for holiday decorating at Christmas , Easter , Thanksgiving and so on . So we did laundry and laid around napping and watching TV , and making sure we never climbed up the stairs to use the bathroom without taking something up or down at the same time . Now , our dogs knew nothing about stairs . They almost never see anything higher than a curb . And for their first stairs , of course , they encounter a steep , slippery flight with no means of gripping the floor whatsoever . There were marks where treads had been , I have no idea why they weren 't replaced . I can do stairs all right , but among us , I was only one at first . The little dogs learned it pretty well , trial and error . Joyce used the banister to haul herself up . Then there was Nick . He 's 18 and while sturdy and muscular , he 's ancient . He has old bones , though no real sign of arthritis ( because he 's been on preventive meds for years ) . For his size and breeds , that works out to about 90 yearsThat Monday was also the day the five Great Danes arrived at the Dung Beetle for a dog show . Although the entire area was supposed to be dog - friendly , Stella isn 't , so we had to make sure none of the big dogs were out when we took ours anywhere , leashed , of course . And now , here are some of the surrounding buildings . They are not part of the cottage complex , but have their own characteristics and deserve special names , too , I think . First , the Blow - Fly , a hideous warehouse of abandoned donations , apparently . This was right across from our back garden , and a fence had been erected on " our " property to block the view . It didn 't work very well . Next , the Millipede , directly across from our front door . A horrible , deteriorating residential row . A man who enjoyed flaunting his underwear lived over there , coming out all but naked at random times . So I did not wish to go over there to take a picture of the front of the Horsefly . Finally , the Silverfish , kitty - corner to us at the four - way stop . This housing and a crumbling apartment house not pictured ( the Ant Hill ) were why we had to park in back and off the street . It was too dangerous to park down front . Another thing you can 't tell from the website . I want to emphasize the houses and grounds were beautiful , and situated away from urban blight , they would have been more than adequate . But they weren 't . In fact , every diesel - operated vehicle in the town , as well as every motorcycle , would roar in and out of that four - way intersection day and night . You didn 't get 15 minutes of quiet all at once , ever . The nasty buildings across the way would have rendered the fire - pit and gardens unusable if the weather had permitted , but it was cold and rainy most of the time so that was never a real issue . And this is why they say , in real estate , " Location , location , location . " We stayed at a place in Adamstown that rented a string of cottages with cute bug - like names , like Ladybug , but to protect myself from libel , I 'll just rename them to demonstrate how we felt about our stay there . The Horsefly and Stink Bug are side by side . Here they are from the back . Why from the back ? You can 't easily take a shot from the front . You 'll see why soon . The Horsefly is on top , in gold , and the green Stink Bug is on the bottom . Notice how crowded this neighborhood is . Once again , right in the middle of town , specifically at a four - way stop . Why this matters will also become apparent later . Behind me , not pictured , is the Dung Beetle , which holds huge groups of people come for antiquing . It 's beyond popular here and we really had fun , but more on that later . Back to the Horsefly . No , wait , back further , to the Hive , which is the main building where the office is . We had to find that in order to check in . Sam got us there , all right , but the driveway was straight up into a blind lot . I got out and Joyce did it . She 's very good at driving straight up . Just leans on the horn and guns it . Okay , glad I don 't have to . So she gets out and heads for the office and I stay with the dogs . A minute later , she 's back . " Gimme my cane . There are a lot of steps and no railings . " Since it was cool enough to leave the dogs , I went along to make sure she didn 't kill herself . The place is on multiple levels with flagstones and concrete stairs and wooden stairs and the odd ramp . Okay , it 's really beautifully kept , all of the properties in this little complex are gorgeous and dripping with antiques , which is very appealing , but no way of knowing you would have to be a rock climber to get in . So we got in , and the woman , " Jane , " immediately disappeared to send out the man , " Tarzan , " who is very , outgoing , shall we say , loves to talk . Talk talk talk . Ramble on , expostulate , and he 's nearly seven feet tall and has to duck under trees . Nice guy except he can be a little much . I started challenging him because he got on my nerves so much with his endless pushy restoration expertise , and Joyce said he didn 't like it , wasn 't used to that . Tough turtles . Don 't try to intimidate me . I mean , maybe he wasn 't even trying , he 's probably just proud of all he 's done with the place and wanted to make sure we were appropriately impressed , but I 'm just like him ; I push back . After check - in , which was endless with paperwork , he directed us to the Horsefly and said he would meet us . I drove this time , and he came right after . That was how we learned we had to park in back and carry all our gear downhill through three levels of gardens on a rough path and steps with only one short railing . As soon as we got in the house we discovered both bedrooms and baths are on the second floor up a very steep , narrow and slippery flight of stPosted by Friday was our last day , and as always it was reserved for laundry and packing . And it rained , too , which made me glad we were leaving . We had both forgotten how much it rains in the Fall in the Northeast . And we finally felt some cold and saw some frost . Our next stop was about 200 miles south and east so we hoped to see still more foliage . Following our tradition , we got on each other 's nerves and alternated between napping and dragging stuff hither and yon to pack or pre - position . Joyce was in logistics , so she knows a lot about pre - positioning . She decides everything about how to pack the van , just as I decide everything about the routes we take . And I do most of the heavy lifting and more than half the driving , but she does all the cooking . So we got everything we could out of the Tse - Tse Fly and into Van O ' White so we 'd have less to do in the morning . Knowing how hard it was to get going in that place , we even bought me a six - pack of Diet Mountain Dew earlier in the week and that seemed to help . I don 't drink coffee . Here are a couple more interior shots of the Tse - Tse Fly . You can see what I mean about lack of comfortable seating . Love our 50 's dinette set ! And see Joyce 's cane ? Well , that 's gone back into her closet . She doesn 't need it in warm , flat Florida . I must say it was odd to see her using it at all . She got it once for a sprained ankle and just kept it . Good thing , too . I forgot to mention about the previous day that we ate in a Greek restaurant in Wellsboro . Actually it was more like a diner with a page full of Greek dishes , because the people across from us were eating fried chicken . I 'm sure if we had asked them , they would have said , " Greek food ? Us ? We don 't eat Greek food ! " And in that case it was their loss , because we had the gyro platter and it was excellent , as was the baklava , of course . So here 's a shout out to George 's , and if yoou 're ever up that way , try it . We were up and on the road at practically the crack of dawn for us : 8 AM . We had breakfast and finished packing before we left . There 's no point getting up to travel in the dark ; neither of us can drive at night . Even though we knew the approximate distance , thanks to Samantha , she can 't figure in all our stops , so we allowed sunup to sidown , almost , to get ourselves to Adamstown , antique capital of Lancaster County . Except that we had to make so many changes , it wasn 't all that tedious and we saw some great colors , but couldn 't stop to take pictures lest we lose the light . So here 's a shot from the parking lot of the Adamstown supermarket where we went for supplies after checking in to the Horse Fly cottage . Ignore the car . That 's where I had to stand to get all the trees . The rain let up again ( this was Thursday ) and we struggled mightily to get out of the house as usual , and felt fine after . Joyce found an ad for a rock shop 17 miles on the other side of Wellsboro , so we drove out there , and saw some of the best color of the whole trip . And as long as it wasn 't raining , we were able to go on and see the rest of the town . We started in the small park we had seen on our first visit , which made the dogs very happy . We also went through the kitschy old shopping district , which is that same street with the lamps down the middle , but we aren 't such great shoppers , and we liked the park better , so we returned there until it was time to go home . Of all the places we saw on this trip , Wellsboro had the most charm , and the most to do no matter your interests . The people there take a lot of pride in maintaining their old buildings and repurposing them for things like the new performing arts center . It 's prettty remote , but worth a visit if you 're in the neighborhood . . Well , we thought we were going to take pictures and so on in Wellsboro , but by the time we got there the clouds had moved in , so Joyce went to the supermarket while I sat in the parking lot with the dogs . Then we went back to the Tse - Tse Fly , and it rained all night . The next day was also raining , so we hung around napping , doing laundry and getting on each other 's nerves . With the dog run out back , it wasn 't so bad . One problem we had this time , we never had before . We have very much enjoyed being disconnected from the phone , internet and TV in the past . But this time , Joyce was being driven mad by the government shutdown , not certain she was going to get her military retirement check or her social security . We tried so hard to find some news . The local paper didn 't cover national topics at all , and the radio news only covered things like feed prices and church socials . We even asked people we encountered , anywhere , and they never knew anything about anything , exactly as " I Just Work Here " demonstrates . I was doing some editing on this trip , so when we went to Wellsboro , I would upload and download and look at the headlines , but we 're talking every other day and not a lot of time to sit there reading , because when I was in McDonald 's using their wifi , Joyce was in the van minding the dogs . By sheer coincidence , Johnny showed up unannounced on our rainy day ( which means we had no bras on . This is why you should call and give folks a heads - up . If we have no plans to go out , and don 't expect anyone , we don 't dress for company . ) But he did know what was going on in the world and was able to update us somewhat . Anyway , later Joyce said she didn 't want to be in that situation again , isolated from current events . We 're just news junkies , I guess , after all . Had I not been working , we wouldn 't even have had those glimpses of the internet . So here 's us at the Tse - Tse Fly , which has remarkably little comfortable seating . Why is this photo on the left ? Beats the crap out of me Anyway , here 's Joyce with Stella ( 10 ) , Ollie ( 8 ) , and Nick ( 18 ) in the Tse - Tse - Fly 's only comfortable easy chair . It rocked but didn 't have a leg - rest , causing some crowding . This , a gas fireplace , we believe is the Tse - Tse Fly 's method of making us sleepy all the time . Well , this and the extremely tight - construction and insulation of the cabin . The gas stove alone can heat the entire house , Johnny told us , and we had to close the bedroom doors to keep it cool enough to sleep . We just weren 't getting enough fresh air , or so we have come to believe , because every day , once we got out of the house , we were fine . We 're not all that energetic to begin with , but we can get up and get out of the house in the normal scheme of things . So now you know how the house got its special nickname . First day since our arrival that we had real sunshine to light things up . It made everything look different . In case I forgot to say so , it was rainy and or cloudy at least part of every other day we were there . After the usual struggle getting out of the house , wondering what the hell was wrong with us , we drove to Blackwell , very nearby , and some sort of touristy spot . The roads were a lot like the back ones we took to the " Grand Canyon , " but the trip was definitely shorter . We checked with Sam when we arrived and discovered there had NOT been a shorter or easier way this time . Anyway , Blackwell is the town , by which I mean tiny hamlet , where the woman with the store , by which I mean the only store , didn 't know what there was to do or see nearby . Given that , why do you suppose she went to all this trouble to grab our attention , seeing as how she wasn 't expecting anyone ? I mean , no one actually lives within sight of this store , so why even have one if there 's no local attraction ? No tchotchke left behind . Click to see all the crap . We didn 't buy anything . So once we found the trailhead , we parked and used the restroom ( the composting kind . Whee ! ) and prepared to walk the dogs . They immediately started crapping all over the place , which was fine ; we were prepared for that . Not so much the overflowing trashcan . We did our best with it and started up the trail . And that 's how we found out Stella doesn 't like bicycles . And gee , I was so tired already ! So we took a few pictures and headed for Wellsboro again , because it was so sunny we thought we 'd walk around the park , which we figured the dogs would also like . And because we took so many pictures , I 'm going to do another blog entry just about that . I 'm dedicating this entry to several of the people we encountered along the way in north central Pennsylvania . I now wish we 'd met even more people because I would like to know if this thing is common in the Pennsylvania Wilds . We went out Monday night to the local tavern . We did this after calling to see if they had Monday night Football ( because there was no TV or wifi in the cabin ) and while the woman who answered , and turned out to be the bartender , had no idea of the time and channel , she said we could surf for it . So we went . When we got to the tavern , the pre - game was already on two out of three TVs , so apparently they 'd done this before . We ordered beer and read the menu and asked the bartender how the chili was . She said , " Oh , I don 't eat chili , " but went on to say that others seemed to like it . So that was twice the bartender didn 't know Jill Poop . We 'll return to the tavern below , but for now , I want to describe the other people we encountered in that part of the state . One day Joyce wanted to get a case of beer , and it 's very hard to find beer in that area . It was the same in Gettysburg and Lancaster County . So we asked where to buy beer and were given the most god - awful directions , and couldn 't find it . But we at least had the name , so started asking for that . Two of the first three people , who worked right there in Wellsboro , had no idea where it was . On another occasion , we went into a visitor 's center for info and some tourist was asking the employee about local foods , particularly a Chinese place . " Oh , I don 't eat Chinese , " she says . And again , we stopped at a country store to ask what the big attraction was in the area , a place to which Johnny had directed us . The woman had no idea . She lived there , and it was a paved hiking and biking trail that ran by her store along the river . We found out when we stumbled onto the trailhead parking lot on our own . We were just gob - smacked that so many people in that area had such limited experience . It wouldn 't be odd if one perIn the back near the booths where we sat was a couple on those uncomfortable , high teetery bar stools . I want to say clearly not married but I 'm not sure why I thought that immediately except for the disparity in their dress . I did get confirmation of this from overhearing their conversation , not to mention her subsequent activities . Okay , he looked like a putz and she looked like a ho . So there you go . Those were all the locals . And no one else came in the rest of the night . Unless you want to count the little chippies we thought had left . Within minutes they were back and ordering big sugary drinks at the bar . One had on a sequined top , like you might see at a New Year 's Eve party . They sat at the bar carrying on at one another over something I couldn 't make out , and they made several trips to the juke - box . They were in and out all night , smoking , drinking , playing music , hair - flipping and just acting silly . None of the men in the bar seemed to be available , or of interest , not to mention they were a lot older than these young things . Maybe these two were hoping for more drinkers to appear . Maybe this is something they do every blessed night . We never went back so we don 't know . Meanwhile , in the back , by the booths , the ho is really working the putz . Her hands are all over him , whispering in his ear , sliding her legs between his . Joyce says to me , " Get a room , for crying out loud . " They too , frequently left to smoke outside , while the chippies and the men used the front sidewalk . Sometimes they would all be gone but us , and then back in again . So we ate and the game went in the wrong direction ( I do remember that much ) so we decided the locals weren 't that compelling and left . And the bartender told Joyce , when she asked , that they could sell beer , but only two six - packs . So we got out of there and stuck our beer in the fridge . And that was our not - so - thrilling night on the town . I don 't have pictures of all this , but here 's the cute little post office across the street . Two or three naps into the day , we finally got our asses in gear . It was just so hard to gather the energy to move out of the cabin , and the big run out back spoiled us and the dogs rotten . Luckily everything we wanted to see was close , except elk . There are no elk within hours of there , which was not the impression I got from the Wilds of Pennsylvania site . There 's a lot they don 't tell you about most attractions , lodging , shopping and food . So we put the Grand Canyon into the Sam the GPS and off we went . Immediately we turned off the main highway and found ourselves bumping along over dirt , gravel , crumbling blacktop - just about everything but cobblestones , not to mention one - lane bridges , the kind where you stop and blow the horn before proceeding A lot of this was accomplished in second gear . But the GPS said we were close , so we decided to keep going . Apparently Sam thought it would be more fun to send us over the top of a couple of mountains instead of the easy ( but longer ) way around the bottom . And she was right ! This was indeed the scenic route , and because we were all alone , we could stop and take as many pictures as we wanted . But we really had to laugh when we parked and found the lot full of cars that had obviously come up some other way . The colors in the Canyon ( or Pine River Gorge ) were pretty much gone by , but still pretty in spots . We went to the gift shop through a cloud of flies , got coffee in a clud of flies , and tried to take pictures in a cloud of flies . The woman in the gift shop said it was their last hurrah . What ? All year long they 're plagued by flies ? What died , and keeps on dying ? Anyway , the last one , above , is a shot I can hardly believe I got . You know what my pictures are normally like ! Yeah , that 's a bird , probably a hawk . Click it and see ! What , don 't tell me you never heard of it ! Neither had we , before starting our trip planning . Another reason Johnny - town was so appealing , was that it 's right next to this thing , sort of . Anyway , not a real long drive , which is always good for us and the dogs . But wait ! I have to backtrack to Gettysburg for a moment . This is what happens when you don 't review your notes before you publish an entry . So first let me say the Country Inns and Suites at Gettysburg were a huge leap up the socio - economic ladder from Red Roof Inns . I chose it because it was in Gettysburg ( not at some distance , where hotels are definitely cheaper ) , and because I figured , for a long stay , we could do the luggage cart thing . And there were no Red Roofs within a long , long way , either . And yeah , the pool and spa always figure in . So we got there , and went in the pool and spa , and it was great . We actually went in there all three days , especially since because of the rain we couldn 't go anywhere else ! So the second night we went in the spa , as I took off my cover - up , Joyce said to me , " Have you got your bathing suit on inside out ? " And sure enough , I did . It 's a featureless black and I didn 't pay attention . So there it was , seams out . But not very noticeable . She told me " No one will notice . Let 's go in . " So we got in the pool and cavorted around a while like we always do ; no one else was there anyway . Eventually Joyce wanted to switch to the spa so we got in and were joined by another retired couple and chatted with them until they went swimming . This , it seemed to me , was just the right time to take off my suit and reverse it . Joyce had gone back into the pool so that meant I wouldn 't have to argue with her . And the spa is all bubbly so you can 't see anything in there anyway . I got the suit off , no problem . And then I turned it right side out , a bit more of a challenge because I had forgotten that those same jets that make the bubbles to hide under are strong enough to rip your suit out of your hands . Then I tried Posted by After three days of not seeing Gettysburg , it was time to push north again to our first weeklong rental which we 'll refer to either by its nice pseudonym , " Kettle Creek " or its naughty one , " Tse - Tse Fly . " And although it was finally not raining , we weren 't too pissed off because we wanted clear weather for our drive , because we know nothing of central Pennsylvania . My mom took me on vacations in the Poconos when I was a kid , or we drove straight through on the Turnpike on our way to the Midwest , but we never stopped anywhere west of Lancaster County . And the government shutdown continued , so the nice weather wouldn 't have done us any good as far as seeing the Park . Idiots . In fact , I almost forgot something very interesting that happened because of the closure . The one day we drove around , looking at barriers and traffic cones in a downpour , we came across a local news station van and they began to wave and yell , so we stopped . Turned out they were looking for a story of folks who had traveled a long way only to be shut out of the Park . Joyce leaped at this opportunity to give the federal government a piece of her mind , and then we got to see ourselves on the local Harrisburg evening news . All I had a chance to say was , since this wasn 't our whole trip , it wasn 't entirely ruined . Joyce was very funny and did a good job , although they edited the swearing out . Now , I say " Wellsboro , more or less " because we don 't wish to be sued for libel , so all names will now be changed to protect the blogger and her family . There are plenty of little towns within reach of Wellsboro , which is real , and our town , " Johnny - Town " , could be any of them . No one needs to know exactly which town or rental we stayed in , or who the owner is . Actually " Johnny " was extremely sweet , but just a tad too eccentric , even for us . Maybe I should explain what the hell we were doing way up there in the Wilds of Pennsylvania , as the area is called . We were looking for leaves , elk and general scenery . I put all that into a search for dog - friendly lodging and came up with " Johnny 's " place . The leaves were supposed to turn there first , so we went there first , after which every subsequent stop would take us back south where we belong , ( according to our arthritis ) again . Our arthritis gets a vote on every location we ever visit , determining whether or not we return , or what time of year . So , charming as Wellsboro was , we have seen enough to satisfy our curiosity and our leaf - cravings . So , going from Spa - Gettysburg to Wellsboro , more or less , requires so many changes of route that I didn 't even attempt to check it before telling Sam where to take us . She got us into Gettysburg via a lovely , scenic route and we hoped she would now do something similar . Sometimes we weren 't on a segment of the route for more than 500 feet when we would have to turn again , and again , and again . Some of this was due to construction , and some to the fact that except for the Turnpike , there are very few direct routes anywhere . It 's kind of like Illinois . And going up into the Wilds , you definitely leave the Interstate way behind . But even with all that to consider and endure , we arrived quite early in the afternoon at our rental cabin , the " Tse Tse Fly , " in " Johnny - Town . " And to find out why we chose this pseudonym , you 'll just have to read on , but the weather was great and the sun was out , and here 's the cabin . Yes , that 's Van O ' White , out front , now 22 years old and still going strong . Note : Please read " Onward to Wellsboro , more or less " before you read this one . Somehow they got published out of order and I can 't figure out how to fix it . Sorry . We had quite the wild ride getting to " Johnny - town " the previous day , and only stopped once , while lost , in a general store where Joyce picked up the bare minimum of stuff , because that was all they had . Now , how could we get lost with a GPS ? By inputting the destination Johnny gave us , of course . He said the actual address wouldn 't work . So we ended up against the side of a hill , wondering what to do next . But we retraced our steps and the guy in the store knew Johnny , everyone does , and he directed us . Later on when I found out the actual street address of the Tse - Tse Fly , voila ! Sam took us straight to it . Well , imagine our surprise when on arrival at the cabin , it was RIGHT ON THE ROAD . I mean the main road through Johnny - town , where 18 wheelers scream through day and night . This is one of those things you can never tell from the internet , and the owner won 't tell you , either . Renting a house of any kind is a crap - shoot . You just have to hope for the best . So we had thought it was on a back road , up a hill , on a mountain , in a forest , something like that . But no , it 's at the edge of Johnny - town on the highway . In other words , a very dangerous place for dogs , especially Ollie , who is a door dasher . So the first thing we wanted to do was secure the place so they could get out . The doors were wide open and the most God - awful country music was blaring . Turns out Johnny is an aficionado , as is everyone else in north central Pennsylvania . All country , all the time . We got him to shut it off so we could hear him , we said , but we never did turn on the radio in that place again except trying to find news , which is an interesting story for later . So Johnny started showing us the house and Joyce , who has the patience of a hungry hyena , interrupted and got him to show us how to take the dogs into the run , so she could inspect it first . Well , there wThis was our reason for choosing the Tse - tse Fly to begin with : an actual dog run right off the back door . And it 's huge and even had trees inside it , which you can see . While I stayed with the dogs for additional security , Johnny showed Joyce all around the tiny house and she was just appalled . At first . We grew to like it but at first , it seemed impossible . It 's not a place I would have chosen had I somehow been able to see the whole thing , but all I had was the still photos on the site and it looked okay , really . Finally he more or less left , by which I mean he removed himself to another nearby structure , and we unloaded the van . It was truly a beautiful day and despite Joyce 's wailing about unloading I took pictures because who knew what the weather would be like tomorrow or any other day ? And it was a damned good thing I did . Because after that , it rained for part of every day we were up there . We had some clear weather , too , but it wasn 't as though you could depend on it . Reminder of code names : Johnny = pseudonym for the guy we rented our cabin from Because just about all we did here was go in the spa . First of all , it just poured down rain , cold rain , about the entire time we were here . Second , the government was on its stupid , famous shutdown , and all we could see of the National Sites were from the public roads that run through , which can 't be closed . We recognized the sites of Little Round Top and Pickett 's Charge from having seen them on TV . And we could see lots of artillery and lots of graves . You can 't hide stuff that big . The only other thing was could get into was a private museum , and it had a crappy gift shop attached , where we got a magnet . That 's all we have to show for those three days , except we drove into a private cemetery by accident and there we saw our first real fall foliage . The first night there we found a great Greek restaurant and ate leftover baklava for three days . The second day was the one we were able to drive around a little . The third we spent alternately getting drenched and drying out as we had to take the dogs out every few hours . We used the spa both days we were there , and luckily only encountered a VERY child - burdened family on our way out as they were coming in . That was one of the best things about this trip : few , if any , children anywhere . They 're in school , or at least supposed to be . We are seriously considering confining all road trips to the fall as a result . The trip as a whole was far less stressful because we were able to almost entirely avoid children . And we drove across the parking lot to TGIF , the closest thing to us , and I was totally soaked by the time I got in , since I nicely dropped Joyce off at the door . The butch always does that , as I explained to the maitre 'd . So since nothing else happened , it 's time to talk about the Garmin . For Christmas , Joyce got me a new road atlas because the old one we used in 2009 had basically fallen apart . Florida and South Dakota , especially , were a problem because we lost them . Now I love atlases and maps , and I have excellent map - reading skills ( thanks to my mother , who couldn 't read a map , couldn 't follow directions , and always got us or herself lost ) but as the time for this trip approached and we were trying to come up with ways to make traveling by car even possible for Joyce , who has multiple hang - ups about driving , I realized this new map was basically useless because it cut every state into several pieces with no overlap from one page to the next . So I began to campaign for a GPS and because it would spare her any map - reading and sign - finding , Joyce caved and we got it a month early and tried it out . So although I still checked the route against the Interstate page in the atlas , we relied on Sam heavily . That 's as in Samantha , the name of the robotic voice we chose to guide us . We soon learned to ignore her , argue with her and shut her in the glove compartment , but on the whole she did a good job , as later blogs will reveal . But for now , did you know that Gettysburg is way out in the middle of nowhere , as in like 30 miles from any interstate ? Well , we didn 't know it , but Sam did , and she got us there without a hitch . Note : this is the last of my pre - written blogs that I did on the road . Now it 's off to the notebook to reconstruct the rest of the trip , so they will take a bit longer to do . Bear with me . I am already writing the next one . We had planned to go out , but we didn 't . I knew this was going to be a hard trip , and this was where it set in more than before . ( Please take note that I will frequently complain about this . Things are never as simple as they seem . ) We just vegetated at the hotel . Nick and I made a circuit of the grounds every hour and a half or so , but that 's the furthest any of us got . Both of us felt guilty for holding the other back , but we both needed to rest . It was a beautiful day but we just couldn 't drag ourselves out of there . We even sent out for Chinese , which wasn 't nearly as good as in South Carolina . This time the pool was warmer , but the spa was cold . We went in both of them anyway . Maybe we 'll see the Natural Arch on the way back ; maybe not . Since we have so little energy now , I don 't know what we 'll be running on by the time that happens . But I do know this location is so good , we 'll be staying here again . During our peregrinations around the grounds , which included a secluded waterfall you could barely glimpse , Nick and I met a woman with two tiny dogs . There were any number of dogs and cats in our wing , and I was glad so many were there . It underscores a need for this kind of place . Anyway , this woman had a tiny car , the two dogs and a serious mobility problem . On top of this , she just wouldn 't shut up . She came and went several times over the course of the day , and seeing she was one of those talky types , I did my best to avoid her . But finally I saw her having some sort of problem , which I thought was with tangled dogs , but turned out to be a key card issue . Hers had apparently expired , and I had , coincidentally , locked myself out of the hotel entirely , and Joyce was napping . This woman , who is rounder and shorter than I am , declared she had to pee , so Nick and I raced off to the front end of the hotel where you can walk right in to the desk , thank God . I explained , they believed me , and I got us each a new key card . Nick and I raced back out and gave her the card . I thought that was that . A couple of hours or so later , all five of us were touring the grounds once again . The little car , little round woman and little dogs were gone , but there was a cane on the ground . Joyce thought it was hers , until she picked it up and we realized it was too short by half . So this woman had gone off in her car without her cane . We didn 't know if she was coming back , so we took it to the desk . We were feeling real sorry for her because , unlike Joyce , she absolutely couldn 't move without her cane . Joyce only needs hers on uneven ground and stairs without railings . But she did come back , and when she thanked us , explained she always carries several . Anyway , that was our excitement for the day . And it was about all we could stand , anyway . So here 's another picture I took the day before . Joyce is in it , but you have to squint . This was the welcome center in the tiny corner of southeastern Tennessee we drove through . They had it decorated all over , inside and out . Very appealing . Posted by Before I move right along , I want to explain some more things we 're doing this time to make the trip easier on ourselves . I mentioned the drive - up rooms . But we are also taking a room each on this trip , with Stella and Ollie in with Joyce while Nick bunks with me . Although we originally decided this because of Joyce 's snoring , it turns out to have many other advantages I didn 't think of before . One , there 's only half as much travel crap in a room , so that each of us can have an entire surface covered with pill bottles . Our different sleeping schedules don 't matter . We like the privacy from each other , since we are jammed together in the van all day a lot of the time . The dogs don 't want the pack split up , but we still spend most of the day together , and they have adapted as they always do . They 're really better travelers than we are . We also changed their cages . We got rid of the heavy metal cage and replaced it with a bigger , lighter one made of nylon . It 's collapsible if we need it to be . We don 't bother bringing the cages in any more , at least , not so far . We are each using one everyday suitcase , and we have an extra one for use at the long stops . No more trying to make breakfast in the rooms ; it 's just too much trouble . We only packed the small cooler for the road up , and are buying more things in grocery stores . There are probably other things that aren 't occurring to me right now , but just these make the whole thing a lot less exhausting . Basically , there 's less to haul over shorter distances . So , on to Virginia . Although this leg was almost the same length as the previous one , it took a lot less time , and was still a beautiful drive with the leaves just beginning to turn . And when we drove up to the Red Roof Inn , I realized I had made a mistake : it didn 't have the drive - up , motel - style entrances . What an idiot ! But they saved me from myself and put us on the first floor near the back door where we only needed to make up one cart - load of gear , and it was very easy for me and Nick to get in and out at night . Best of all , there were a pool and spa . And now it was cool enough to leave the dogs in the car , so we could eat in a restaurant . As soon as the sun was low enough to be sure we could park completely in the shade with the windows cracked , we skedaddled next door to the Cracker Barrel . So we planned to spend the next day driving around the countryside the way we had in South Carolina . After dinner we tried the pool and spa . Pool too cold . But we watched the sunset from the spa which was a great way to end the day , and it helped Joyce 's back , too . Posted by It 's different in South Carolina I started this three days ago , typed two sentences , and somehow lost it . I hope I can still remember what 's different . For one thing , the scenery , right ? It 's more rural and empty , which is good ! We drove around Atlanta ( Frequently mispronounced " Ick - lanta " for reasons that escape me . I have also heard " Ick - lantic Ocean . " Anyone know why ? ) This was pure hell for Joyce because of the traffic , and she spent most of that leg lying down in her seat . We really only swung around the southeastern corner , so it wasn 't that bad . For me , anyway , and I 'm sure the kids didn 't care . It was a fairly short drive to our Red Roof Inn in Greenville , which is the sort of place we would never stay in , and neither should you , whoever you are . It 's seedy and run - down despite being " newly renovated " and attracts the most unsavory - looking clientele who are characterized primarily by smoking and toothlessness . There were biker types and people congregated in little groups , smoking , all over the place . That was another difference between South Carolina and Georgia : poverty . You could see it and feel it everywhere . I 'm sure there were drug deals going down , and my room was next to a bunch of characters who looked questionable enough that I took the gun to my room . We keep it hidden in a case in a canvas bag for more safety and security . However , everyone was quiet and we slept great ! So go figure . The motel had absolutely nothing in the way of amenities , not even a coin laundry , and the wifi didn 't work again , but I knew that was a problem with my computer and not the property , so I called the local geek squad , and they came right out and fixed it on Sunday morning . It was an internal command I didn 't know how to give . Since I 'm working this trip , it 's at least a tax write - off . Now , while I waited at the motel for the geek , Joyce went off in search of McDonalds ' for breakfast sausage biscuits , the only reason we ever go there , and had an adventure of her own . While she was standing in line , a bra fell out of her shirt . Not her bra , mine . We had rinsed them out and hung them to dry in her room the night before , and she stuck it up under her shirt to carry it down to my room , but then she forgot about it . Until McDonalds ' . While she was standing in line , the bra fell out on the floor without her realizing it . So the man behind her saw it and asked if it was hers , and since it wasn 't , she had to say no , but she knew whose it was , she said , and picked it up . By this time they had reached the counter and Joyce was trying to explain but the clerk said , " Please ! I don 't wanna know ! " but she gave Joyce a plastic bag for it anyway . After the computer was fixed , we took the kids for a nice ride . And here are pictures of the pretty lake , probably High Falls Lake County Park , where we stopped . Also where some apparently completely crazy people were holding a Newfoundland ( dog ) Rescue demonstration . There was just so much screaming from the people , not the dogs , giving commands from the shore and small boats . Luckily we were able to find a nice place far enough away that they didn 't bother us much . The dogs had a good sniff , poop and pee , and we just enjoyed the ( mostly ) peace and quiet . The previous evening we had sent out for Chinese , and even in that weird little spot , it was excellent . That was the third surprise along with the quiet at night and the computer geeks . The second night there we had so much Chinese stuff left over , we just got a Subway footlong , and ate it all in stages while drinking beer and watching football in one of our ratty rooms . And despite being wrong about the behavior of the clientele , and the quiet nights , we were glad to leave . And you can be sure we were the only ones at either place so far picking up shit , either . When I arrive at a pet walk area , it 's always disgusting , but we keep picking up after them all the same . So if you walk your dog anywhere and don 't pick up , you 're worse than a pig , because pigs are clean . Last April we went up to the Panhandle for three weeks . After we got home , Joyce said she really wanted to do a Fall leaf peep , so we began very slowly planning for that , and in the intervening 18 months or so , we only went away for a couple of weekends , in order to pay for this month - long extravaganza . In addition , it 's good to remember we haven 't gone on any road trips since 2009 because , in my opinion , that was a disaster . It had its bright moments , but not enough to balance the anger , frustration and exhaustion . Joyce said we would never go as long as seven weeks again . So that 's how we chose Pennsylvania ; a week up , two weeks in two different locations , and a week back . So , fine . Eventually the day rolls around , which was yesterday , and I am in a terrible depression , remembering the last time . I 'm sure we 'll never get ready , and I 'm sure even if we do , it 's gonna be a disaster . I had to be dragged , almost kicking and screaming , to the van . I am thinking I would rather have a colonoscopy , go shopping for clothes , or go to jail . But nothing of the sort intervened , and we set out for Macon , which is as far as we can make it in a day with three dogs , small bladders , and one person who hates driving , but hates riding even worse . On the way we saw a giant cow , but not much else . When you live in central Florida , you drive a full day before getting to see anything you haven 't seen before . I am sure the cow was new . It was very shiny . Note how out of focus it is . That gets better in later pictures . One thing worth mentioning happened while we were still in Florida , We stopped at McDonalds ' for coffee , to walk the dogs , to walk ourselves , and to change drivers . We take turns going in while the other minds the dogs . The dog walk area was sort of marshy and I suddenly found my legs covered with mosquitoes . I brushed some off and killed the rest while walking away , but they persisted . I can 't get the dogs into their carriers without help ( two go in one and that requires four hands ) so I piled all thrleztrek
|
So on Monday , after our mad dash across the state Saturday , complete with whirlwind moving in and getting ready for the get - together on Sunday , Monday seemed like a good day to take off . It was raining anyhow , and according to a brochure we picked up , many antique dealers are closed Monday on that stretch of road . You should check it out . Here 's a link . Except you have to cut and paste it . Blogger is being an ass again . http : / / www . antiquescapital . com Up until a few years ago , I had no interest whatsoever in antiques . Then my former spouse mentioned going through her parents ' crystal collection , and I was reminded that I had inherited some Carnival glass from my Aunt Lucy . I discovered it had little marks on the bottom . I discovered you could look up these marks and patterns on line . I started matching my stuff with these marks . I started realizing it was pretty ! I decided I had to have more . But I am not a great shopper , not even for things I like , so this sort of thing happens no more than twice a year , max . We live near Plant City , another antique Mecca , and we vacation near Apalachicola , likewise . So occasionally we go looking for glass . It reminds me of my grandparents ' house , which is a very pleasant memory for me . And Joyce thinks some of it looks nice . Not all of it , though , as you will see , because I have also re - discovered milk glass , homely relative of Carnival glass . And we have limited space so I have to be pretty judicious about it , and have limited myself mostly to animal - themed items . And then we use it for holiday decorating at Christmas , Easter , Thanksgiving and so on . So we did laundry and laid around napping and watching TV , and making sure we never climbed up the stairs to use the bathroom without taking something up or down at the same time . Now , our dogs knew nothing about stairs . They almost never see anything higher than a curb . And for their first stairs , of course , they encounter a steep , slippery flight with no means of gripping the floor whatsoever . There were marks where treads had been , I have no idea why they weren 't replaced . I can do stairs all right , but among us , I was only one at first . The little dogs learned it pretty well , trial and error . Joyce used the banister to haul herself up . Then there was Nick . He 's 18 and while sturdy and muscular , he 's ancient . He has old bones , though no real sign of arthritis ( because he 's been on preventive meds for years ) . For his size and breeds , that works out to about 90 yearsThat Monday was also the day the five Great Danes arrived at the Dung Beetle for a dog show . Although the entire area was supposed to be dog - friendly , Stella isn 't , so we had to make sure none of the big dogs were out when we took ours anywhere , leashed , of course . And now , here are some of the surrounding buildings . They are not part of the cottage complex , but have their own characteristics and deserve special names , too , I think . First , the Blow - Fly , a hideous warehouse of abandoned donations , apparently . This was right across from our back garden , and a fence had been erected on " our " property to block the view . It didn 't work very well . Next , the Millipede , directly across from our front door . A horrible , deteriorating residential row . A man who enjoyed flaunting his underwear lived over there , coming out all but naked at random times . So I did not wish to go over there to take a picture of the front of the Horsefly . Finally , the Silverfish , kitty - corner to us at the four - way stop . This housing and a crumbling apartment house not pictured ( the Ant Hill ) were why we had to park in back and off the street . It was too dangerous to park down front . Another thing you can 't tell from the website . I want to emphasize the houses and grounds were beautiful , and situated away from urban blight , they would have been more than adequate . But they weren 't . In fact , every diesel - operated vehicle in the town , as well as every motorcycle , would roar in and out of that four - way intersection day and night . You didn 't get 15 minutes of quiet all at once , ever . The nasty buildings across the way would have rendered the fire - pit and gardens unusable if the weather had permitted , but it was cold and rainy most of the time so that was never a real issue . And this is why they say , in real estate , " Location , location , location . " We stayed at a place in Adamstown that rented a string of cottages with cute bug - like names , like Ladybug , but to protect myself from libel , I 'll just rename them to demonstrate how we felt about our stay there . The Horsefly and Stink Bug are side by side . Here they are from the back . Why from the back ? You can 't easily take a shot from the front . You 'll see why soon . The Horsefly is on top , in gold , and the green Stink Bug is on the bottom . Notice how crowded this neighborhood is . Once again , right in the middle of town , specifically at a four - way stop . Why this matters will also become apparent later . Behind me , not pictured , is the Dung Beetle , which holds huge groups of people come for antiquing . It 's beyond popular here and we really had fun , but more on that later . Back to the Horsefly . No , wait , back further , to the Hive , which is the main building where the office is . We had to find that in order to check in . Sam got us there , all right , but the driveway was straight up into a blind lot . I got out and Joyce did it . She 's very good at driving straight up . Just leans on the horn and guns it . Okay , glad I don 't have to . So she gets out and heads for the office and I stay with the dogs . A minute later , she 's back . " Gimme my cane . There are a lot of steps and no railings . " Since it was cool enough to leave the dogs , I went along to make sure she didn 't kill herself . The place is on multiple levels with flagstones and concrete stairs and wooden stairs and the odd ramp . Okay , it 's really beautifully kept , all of the properties in this little complex are gorgeous and dripping with antiques , which is very appealing , but no way of knowing you would have to be a rock climber to get in . So we got in , and the woman , " Jane , " immediately disappeared to send out the man , " Tarzan , " who is very , outgoing , shall we say , loves to talk . Talk talk talk . Ramble on , expostulate , and he 's nearly seven feet tall and has to duck under trees . Nice guy except he can be a little much . I started challenging him because he got on my nerves so much with his endless pushy restoration expertise , and Joyce said he didn 't like it , wasn 't used to that . Tough turtles . Don 't try to intimidate me . I mean , maybe he wasn 't even trying , he 's probably just proud of all he 's done with the place and wanted to make sure we were appropriately impressed , but I 'm just like him ; I push back . After check - in , which was endless with paperwork , he directed us to the Horsefly and said he would meet us . I drove this time , and he came right after . That was how we learned we had to park in back and carry all our gear downhill through three levels of gardens on a rough path and steps with only one short railing . As soon as we got in the house we discovered both bedrooms and baths are on the second floor up a very steep , narrow and slippery flight of stPosted by Friday was our last day , and as always it was reserved for laundry and packing . And it rained , too , which made me glad we were leaving . We had both forgotten how much it rains in the Fall in the Northeast . And we finally felt some cold and saw some frost . Our next stop was about 200 miles south and east so we hoped to see still more foliage . Following our tradition , we got on each other 's nerves and alternated between napping and dragging stuff hither and yon to pack or pre - position . Joyce was in logistics , so she knows a lot about pre - positioning . She decides everything about how to pack the van , just as I decide everything about the routes we take . And I do most of the heavy lifting and more than half the driving , but she does all the cooking . So we got everything we could out of the Tse - Tse Fly and into Van O ' White so we 'd have less to do in the morning . Knowing how hard it was to get going in that place , we even bought me a six - pack of Diet Mountain Dew earlier in the week and that seemed to help . I don 't drink coffee . Here are a couple more interior shots of the Tse - Tse Fly . You can see what I mean about lack of comfortable seating . Love our 50 's dinette set ! And see Joyce 's cane ? Well , that 's gone back into her closet . She doesn 't need it in warm , flat Florida . I must say it was odd to see her using it at all . She got it once for a sprained ankle and just kept it . Good thing , too . I forgot to mention about the previous day that we ate in a Greek restaurant in Wellsboro . Actually it was more like a diner with a page full of Greek dishes , because the people across from us were eating fried chicken . I 'm sure if we had asked them , they would have said , " Greek food ? Us ? We don 't eat Greek food ! " And in that case it was their loss , because we had the gyro platter and it was excellent , as was the baklava , of course . So here 's a shout out to George 's , and if yoou 're ever up that way , try it . We were up and on the road at practically the crack of dawn for us : 8 AM . We had breakfast and finished packing before we left . There 's no point getting up to travel in the dark ; neither of us can drive at night . Even though we knew the approximate distance , thanks to Samantha , she can 't figure in all our stops , so we allowed sunup to sidown , almost , to get ourselves to Adamstown , antique capital of Lancaster County . Except that we had to make so many changes , it wasn 't all that tedious and we saw some great colors , but couldn 't stop to take pictures lest we lose the light . So here 's a shot from the parking lot of the Adamstown supermarket where we went for supplies after checking in to the Horse Fly cottage . Ignore the car . That 's where I had to stand to get all the trees . The rain let up again ( this was Thursday ) and we struggled mightily to get out of the house as usual , and felt fine after . Joyce found an ad for a rock shop 17 miles on the other side of Wellsboro , so we drove out there , and saw some of the best color of the whole trip . And as long as it wasn 't raining , we were able to go on and see the rest of the town . We started in the small park we had seen on our first visit , which made the dogs very happy . We also went through the kitschy old shopping district , which is that same street with the lamps down the middle , but we aren 't such great shoppers , and we liked the park better , so we returned there until it was time to go home . Of all the places we saw on this trip , Wellsboro had the most charm , and the most to do no matter your interests . The people there take a lot of pride in maintaining their old buildings and repurposing them for things like the new performing arts center . It 's prettty remote , but worth a visit if you 're in the neighborhood . . Well , we thought we were going to take pictures and so on in Wellsboro , but by the time we got there the clouds had moved in , so Joyce went to the supermarket while I sat in the parking lot with the dogs . Then we went back to the Tse - Tse Fly , and it rained all night . The next day was also raining , so we hung around napping , doing laundry and getting on each other 's nerves . With the dog run out back , it wasn 't so bad . One problem we had this time , we never had before . We have very much enjoyed being disconnected from the phone , internet and TV in the past . But this time , Joyce was being driven mad by the government shutdown , not certain she was going to get her military retirement check or her social security . We tried so hard to find some news . The local paper didn 't cover national topics at all , and the radio news only covered things like feed prices and church socials . We even asked people we encountered , anywhere , and they never knew anything about anything , exactly as " I Just Work Here " demonstrates . I was doing some editing on this trip , so when we went to Wellsboro , I would upload and download and look at the headlines , but we 're talking every other day and not a lot of time to sit there reading , because when I was in McDonald 's using their wifi , Joyce was in the van minding the dogs . By sheer coincidence , Johnny showed up unannounced on our rainy day ( which means we had no bras on . This is why you should call and give folks a heads - up . If we have no plans to go out , and don 't expect anyone , we don 't dress for company . ) But he did know what was going on in the world and was able to update us somewhat . Anyway , later Joyce said she didn 't want to be in that situation again , isolated from current events . We 're just news junkies , I guess , after all . Had I not been working , we wouldn 't even have had those glimpses of the internet . So here 's us at the Tse - Tse Fly , which has remarkably little comfortable seating . Why is this photo on the left ? Beats the crap out of me Anyway , here 's Joyce with Stella ( 10 ) , Ollie ( 8 ) , and Nick ( 18 ) in the Tse - Tse - Fly 's only comfortable easy chair . It rocked but didn 't have a leg - rest , causing some crowding . This , a gas fireplace , we believe is the Tse - Tse Fly 's method of making us sleepy all the time . Well , this and the extremely tight - construction and insulation of the cabin . The gas stove alone can heat the entire house , Johnny told us , and we had to close the bedroom doors to keep it cool enough to sleep . We just weren 't getting enough fresh air , or so we have come to believe , because every day , once we got out of the house , we were fine . We 're not all that energetic to begin with , but we can get up and get out of the house in the normal scheme of things . So now you know how the house got its special nickname . First day since our arrival that we had real sunshine to light things up . It made everything look different . In case I forgot to say so , it was rainy and or cloudy at least part of every other day we were there . After the usual struggle getting out of the house , wondering what the hell was wrong with us , we drove to Blackwell , very nearby , and some sort of touristy spot . The roads were a lot like the back ones we took to the " Grand Canyon , " but the trip was definitely shorter . We checked with Sam when we arrived and discovered there had NOT been a shorter or easier way this time . Anyway , Blackwell is the town , by which I mean tiny hamlet , where the woman with the store , by which I mean the only store , didn 't know what there was to do or see nearby . Given that , why do you suppose she went to all this trouble to grab our attention , seeing as how she wasn 't expecting anyone ? I mean , no one actually lives within sight of this store , so why even have one if there 's no local attraction ? No tchotchke left behind . Click to see all the crap . We didn 't buy anything . So once we found the trailhead , we parked and used the restroom ( the composting kind . Whee ! ) and prepared to walk the dogs . They immediately started crapping all over the place , which was fine ; we were prepared for that . Not so much the overflowing trashcan . We did our best with it and started up the trail . And that 's how we found out Stella doesn 't like bicycles . And gee , I was so tired already ! So we took a few pictures and headed for Wellsboro again , because it was so sunny we thought we 'd walk around the park , which we figured the dogs would also like . And because we took so many pictures , I 'm going to do another blog entry just about that . I 'm dedicating this entry to several of the people we encountered along the way in north central Pennsylvania . I now wish we 'd met even more people because I would like to know if this thing is common in the Pennsylvania Wilds . We went out Monday night to the local tavern . We did this after calling to see if they had Monday night Football ( because there was no TV or wifi in the cabin ) and while the woman who answered , and turned out to be the bartender , had no idea of the time and channel , she said we could surf for it . So we went . When we got to the tavern , the pre - game was already on two out of three TVs , so apparently they 'd done this before . We ordered beer and read the menu and asked the bartender how the chili was . She said , " Oh , I don 't eat chili , " but went on to say that others seemed to like it . So that was twice the bartender didn 't know Jill Poop . We 'll return to the tavern below , but for now , I want to describe the other people we encountered in that part of the state . One day Joyce wanted to get a case of beer , and it 's very hard to find beer in that area . It was the same in Gettysburg and Lancaster County . So we asked where to buy beer and were given the most god - awful directions , and couldn 't find it . But we at least had the name , so started asking for that . Two of the first three people , who worked right there in Wellsboro , had no idea where it was . On another occasion , we went into a visitor 's center for info and some tourist was asking the employee about local foods , particularly a Chinese place . " Oh , I don 't eat Chinese , " she says . And again , we stopped at a country store to ask what the big attraction was in the area , a place to which Johnny had directed us . The woman had no idea . She lived there , and it was a paved hiking and biking trail that ran by her store along the river . We found out when we stumbled onto the trailhead parking lot on our own . We were just gob - smacked that so many people in that area had such limited experience . It wouldn 't be odd if one perIn the back near the booths where we sat was a couple on those uncomfortable , high teetery bar stools . I want to say clearly not married but I 'm not sure why I thought that immediately except for the disparity in their dress . I did get confirmation of this from overhearing their conversation , not to mention her subsequent activities . Okay , he looked like a putz and she looked like a ho . So there you go . Those were all the locals . And no one else came in the rest of the night . Unless you want to count the little chippies we thought had left . Within minutes they were back and ordering big sugary drinks at the bar . One had on a sequined top , like you might see at a New Year 's Eve party . They sat at the bar carrying on at one another over something I couldn 't make out , and they made several trips to the juke - box . They were in and out all night , smoking , drinking , playing music , hair - flipping and just acting silly . None of the men in the bar seemed to be available , or of interest , not to mention they were a lot older than these young things . Maybe these two were hoping for more drinkers to appear . Maybe this is something they do every blessed night . We never went back so we don 't know . Meanwhile , in the back , by the booths , the ho is really working the putz . Her hands are all over him , whispering in his ear , sliding her legs between his . Joyce says to me , " Get a room , for crying out loud . " They too , frequently left to smoke outside , while the chippies and the men used the front sidewalk . Sometimes they would all be gone but us , and then back in again . So we ate and the game went in the wrong direction ( I do remember that much ) so we decided the locals weren 't that compelling and left . And the bartender told Joyce , when she asked , that they could sell beer , but only two six - packs . So we got out of there and stuck our beer in the fridge . And that was our not - so - thrilling night on the town . I don 't have pictures of all this , but here 's the cute little post office across the street . Two or three naps into the day , we finally got our asses in gear . It was just so hard to gather the energy to move out of the cabin , and the big run out back spoiled us and the dogs rotten . Luckily everything we wanted to see was close , except elk . There are no elk within hours of there , which was not the impression I got from the Wilds of Pennsylvania site . There 's a lot they don 't tell you about most attractions , lodging , shopping and food . So we put the Grand Canyon into the Sam the GPS and off we went . Immediately we turned off the main highway and found ourselves bumping along over dirt , gravel , crumbling blacktop - just about everything but cobblestones , not to mention one - lane bridges , the kind where you stop and blow the horn before proceeding A lot of this was accomplished in second gear . But the GPS said we were close , so we decided to keep going . Apparently Sam thought it would be more fun to send us over the top of a couple of mountains instead of the easy ( but longer ) way around the bottom . And she was right ! This was indeed the scenic route , and because we were all alone , we could stop and take as many pictures as we wanted . But we really had to laugh when we parked and found the lot full of cars that had obviously come up some other way . The colors in the Canyon ( or Pine River Gorge ) were pretty much gone by , but still pretty in spots . We went to the gift shop through a cloud of flies , got coffee in a clud of flies , and tried to take pictures in a cloud of flies . The woman in the gift shop said it was their last hurrah . What ? All year long they 're plagued by flies ? What died , and keeps on dying ? Anyway , the last one , above , is a shot I can hardly believe I got . You know what my pictures are normally like ! Yeah , that 's a bird , probably a hawk . Click it and see ! What , don 't tell me you never heard of it ! Neither had we , before starting our trip planning . Another reason Johnny - town was so appealing , was that it 's right next to this thing , sort of . Anyway , not a real long drive , which is always good for us and the dogs . But wait ! I have to backtrack to Gettysburg for a moment . This is what happens when you don 't review your notes before you publish an entry . So first let me say the Country Inns and Suites at Gettysburg were a huge leap up the socio - economic ladder from Red Roof Inns . I chose it because it was in Gettysburg ( not at some distance , where hotels are definitely cheaper ) , and because I figured , for a long stay , we could do the luggage cart thing . And there were no Red Roofs within a long , long way , either . And yeah , the pool and spa always figure in . So we got there , and went in the pool and spa , and it was great . We actually went in there all three days , especially since because of the rain we couldn 't go anywhere else ! So the second night we went in the spa , as I took off my cover - up , Joyce said to me , " Have you got your bathing suit on inside out ? " And sure enough , I did . It 's a featureless black and I didn 't pay attention . So there it was , seams out . But not very noticeable . She told me " No one will notice . Let 's go in . " So we got in the pool and cavorted around a while like we always do ; no one else was there anyway . Eventually Joyce wanted to switch to the spa so we got in and were joined by another retired couple and chatted with them until they went swimming . This , it seemed to me , was just the right time to take off my suit and reverse it . Joyce had gone back into the pool so that meant I wouldn 't have to argue with her . And the spa is all bubbly so you can 't see anything in there anyway . I got the suit off , no problem . And then I turned it right side out , a bit more of a challenge because I had forgotten that those same jets that make the bubbles to hide under are strong enough to rip your suit out of your hands . Then I tried Posted by After three days of not seeing Gettysburg , it was time to push north again to our first weeklong rental which we 'll refer to either by its nice pseudonym , " Kettle Creek " or its naughty one , " Tse - Tse Fly . " And although it was finally not raining , we weren 't too pissed off because we wanted clear weather for our drive , because we know nothing of central Pennsylvania . My mom took me on vacations in the Poconos when I was a kid , or we drove straight through on the Turnpike on our way to the Midwest , but we never stopped anywhere west of Lancaster County . And the government shutdown continued , so the nice weather wouldn 't have done us any good as far as seeing the Park . Idiots . In fact , I almost forgot something very interesting that happened because of the closure . The one day we drove around , looking at barriers and traffic cones in a downpour , we came across a local news station van and they began to wave and yell , so we stopped . Turned out they were looking for a story of folks who had traveled a long way only to be shut out of the Park . Joyce leaped at this opportunity to give the federal government a piece of her mind , and then we got to see ourselves on the local Harrisburg evening news . All I had a chance to say was , since this wasn 't our whole trip , it wasn 't entirely ruined . Joyce was very funny and did a good job , although they edited the swearing out . Now , I say " Wellsboro , more or less " because we don 't wish to be sued for libel , so all names will now be changed to protect the blogger and her family . There are plenty of little towns within reach of Wellsboro , which is real , and our town , " Johnny - Town " , could be any of them . No one needs to know exactly which town or rental we stayed in , or who the owner is . Actually " Johnny " was extremely sweet , but just a tad too eccentric , even for us . Maybe I should explain what the hell we were doing way up there in the Wilds of Pennsylvania , as the area is called . We were looking for leaves , elk and general scenery . I put all that into a search for dog - friendly lodging and came up with " Johnny 's " place . The leaves were supposed to turn there first , so we went there first , after which every subsequent stop would take us back south where we belong , ( according to our arthritis ) again . Our arthritis gets a vote on every location we ever visit , determining whether or not we return , or what time of year . So , charming as Wellsboro was , we have seen enough to satisfy our curiosity and our leaf - cravings . So , going from Spa - Gettysburg to Wellsboro , more or less , requires so many changes of route that I didn 't even attempt to check it before telling Sam where to take us . She got us into Gettysburg via a lovely , scenic route and we hoped she would now do something similar . Sometimes we weren 't on a segment of the route for more than 500 feet when we would have to turn again , and again , and again . Some of this was due to construction , and some to the fact that except for the Turnpike , there are very few direct routes anywhere . It 's kind of like Illinois . And going up into the Wilds , you definitely leave the Interstate way behind . But even with all that to consider and endure , we arrived quite early in the afternoon at our rental cabin , the " Tse Tse Fly , " in " Johnny - Town . " And to find out why we chose this pseudonym , you 'll just have to read on , but the weather was great and the sun was out , and here 's the cabin . Yes , that 's Van O ' White , out front , now 22 years old and still going strong . Note : Please read " Onward to Wellsboro , more or less " before you read this one . Somehow they got published out of order and I can 't figure out how to fix it . Sorry . We had quite the wild ride getting to " Johnny - town " the previous day , and only stopped once , while lost , in a general store where Joyce picked up the bare minimum of stuff , because that was all they had . Now , how could we get lost with a GPS ? By inputting the destination Johnny gave us , of course . He said the actual address wouldn 't work . So we ended up against the side of a hill , wondering what to do next . But we retraced our steps and the guy in the store knew Johnny , everyone does , and he directed us . Later on when I found out the actual street address of the Tse - Tse Fly , voila ! Sam took us straight to it . Well , imagine our surprise when on arrival at the cabin , it was RIGHT ON THE ROAD . I mean the main road through Johnny - town , where 18 wheelers scream through day and night . This is one of those things you can never tell from the internet , and the owner won 't tell you , either . Renting a house of any kind is a crap - shoot . You just have to hope for the best . So we had thought it was on a back road , up a hill , on a mountain , in a forest , something like that . But no , it 's at the edge of Johnny - town on the highway . In other words , a very dangerous place for dogs , especially Ollie , who is a door dasher . So the first thing we wanted to do was secure the place so they could get out . The doors were wide open and the most God - awful country music was blaring . Turns out Johnny is an aficionado , as is everyone else in north central Pennsylvania . All country , all the time . We got him to shut it off so we could hear him , we said , but we never did turn on the radio in that place again except trying to find news , which is an interesting story for later . So Johnny started showing us the house and Joyce , who has the patience of a hungry hyena , interrupted and got him to show us how to take the dogs into the run , so she could inspect it first . Well , there wThis was our reason for choosing the Tse - tse Fly to begin with : an actual dog run right off the back door . And it 's huge and even had trees inside it , which you can see . While I stayed with the dogs for additional security , Johnny showed Joyce all around the tiny house and she was just appalled . At first . We grew to like it but at first , it seemed impossible . It 's not a place I would have chosen had I somehow been able to see the whole thing , but all I had was the still photos on the site and it looked okay , really . Finally he more or less left , by which I mean he removed himself to another nearby structure , and we unloaded the van . It was truly a beautiful day and despite Joyce 's wailing about unloading I took pictures because who knew what the weather would be like tomorrow or any other day ? And it was a damned good thing I did . Because after that , it rained for part of every day we were up there . We had some clear weather , too , but it wasn 't as though you could depend on it . Reminder of code names : Johnny = pseudonym for the guy we rented our cabin from Because just about all we did here was go in the spa . First of all , it just poured down rain , cold rain , about the entire time we were here . Second , the government was on its stupid , famous shutdown , and all we could see of the National Sites were from the public roads that run through , which can 't be closed . We recognized the sites of Little Round Top and Pickett 's Charge from having seen them on TV . And we could see lots of artillery and lots of graves . You can 't hide stuff that big . The only other thing was could get into was a private museum , and it had a crappy gift shop attached , where we got a magnet . That 's all we have to show for those three days , except we drove into a private cemetery by accident and there we saw our first real fall foliage . The first night there we found a great Greek restaurant and ate leftover baklava for three days . The second day was the one we were able to drive around a little . The third we spent alternately getting drenched and drying out as we had to take the dogs out every few hours . We used the spa both days we were there , and luckily only encountered a VERY child - burdened family on our way out as they were coming in . That was one of the best things about this trip : few , if any , children anywhere . They 're in school , or at least supposed to be . We are seriously considering confining all road trips to the fall as a result . The trip as a whole was far less stressful because we were able to almost entirely avoid children . And we drove across the parking lot to TGIF , the closest thing to us , and I was totally soaked by the time I got in , since I nicely dropped Joyce off at the door . The butch always does that , as I explained to the maitre 'd . So since nothing else happened , it 's time to talk about the Garmin . For Christmas , Joyce got me a new road atlas because the old one we used in 2009 had basically fallen apart . Florida and South Dakota , especially , were a problem because we lost them . Now I love atlases and maps , and I have excellent map - reading skills ( thanks to my mother , who couldn 't read a map , couldn 't follow directions , and always got us or herself lost ) but as the time for this trip approached and we were trying to come up with ways to make traveling by car even possible for Joyce , who has multiple hang - ups about driving , I realized this new map was basically useless because it cut every state into several pieces with no overlap from one page to the next . So I began to campaign for a GPS and because it would spare her any map - reading and sign - finding , Joyce caved and we got it a month early and tried it out . So although I still checked the route against the Interstate page in the atlas , we relied on Sam heavily . That 's as in Samantha , the name of the robotic voice we chose to guide us . We soon learned to ignore her , argue with her and shut her in the glove compartment , but on the whole she did a good job , as later blogs will reveal . But for now , did you know that Gettysburg is way out in the middle of nowhere , as in like 30 miles from any interstate ? Well , we didn 't know it , but Sam did , and she got us there without a hitch . Note : this is the last of my pre - written blogs that I did on the road . Now it 's off to the notebook to reconstruct the rest of the trip , so they will take a bit longer to do . Bear with me . I am already writing the next one . We had planned to go out , but we didn 't . I knew this was going to be a hard trip , and this was where it set in more than before . ( Please take note that I will frequently complain about this . Things are never as simple as they seem . ) We just vegetated at the hotel . Nick and I made a circuit of the grounds every hour and a half or so , but that 's the furthest any of us got . Both of us felt guilty for holding the other back , but we both needed to rest . It was a beautiful day but we just couldn 't drag ourselves out of there . We even sent out for Chinese , which wasn 't nearly as good as in South Carolina . This time the pool was warmer , but the spa was cold . We went in both of them anyway . Maybe we 'll see the Natural Arch on the way back ; maybe not . Since we have so little energy now , I don 't know what we 'll be running on by the time that happens . But I do know this location is so good , we 'll be staying here again . During our peregrinations around the grounds , which included a secluded waterfall you could barely glimpse , Nick and I met a woman with two tiny dogs . There were any number of dogs and cats in our wing , and I was glad so many were there . It underscores a need for this kind of place . Anyway , this woman had a tiny car , the two dogs and a serious mobility problem . On top of this , she just wouldn 't shut up . She came and went several times over the course of the day , and seeing she was one of those talky types , I did my best to avoid her . But finally I saw her having some sort of problem , which I thought was with tangled dogs , but turned out to be a key card issue . Hers had apparently expired , and I had , coincidentally , locked myself out of the hotel entirely , and Joyce was napping . This woman , who is rounder and shorter than I am , declared she had to pee , so Nick and I raced off to the front end of the hotel where you can walk right in to the desk , thank God . I explained , they believed me , and I got us each a new key card . Nick and I raced back out and gave her the card . I thought that was that . A couple of hours or so later , all five of us were touring the grounds once again . The little car , little round woman and little dogs were gone , but there was a cane on the ground . Joyce thought it was hers , until she picked it up and we realized it was too short by half . So this woman had gone off in her car without her cane . We didn 't know if she was coming back , so we took it to the desk . We were feeling real sorry for her because , unlike Joyce , she absolutely couldn 't move without her cane . Joyce only needs hers on uneven ground and stairs without railings . But she did come back , and when she thanked us , explained she always carries several . Anyway , that was our excitement for the day . And it was about all we could stand , anyway . So here 's another picture I took the day before . Joyce is in it , but you have to squint . This was the welcome center in the tiny corner of southeastern Tennessee we drove through . They had it decorated all over , inside and out . Very appealing . Posted by Before I move right along , I want to explain some more things we 're doing this time to make the trip easier on ourselves . I mentioned the drive - up rooms . But we are also taking a room each on this trip , with Stella and Ollie in with Joyce while Nick bunks with me . Although we originally decided this because of Joyce 's snoring , it turns out to have many other advantages I didn 't think of before . One , there 's only half as much travel crap in a room , so that each of us can have an entire surface covered with pill bottles . Our different sleeping schedules don 't matter . We like the privacy from each other , since we are jammed together in the van all day a lot of the time . The dogs don 't want the pack split up , but we still spend most of the day together , and they have adapted as they always do . They 're really better travelers than we are . We also changed their cages . We got rid of the heavy metal cage and replaced it with a bigger , lighter one made of nylon . It 's collapsible if we need it to be . We don 't bother bringing the cages in any more , at least , not so far . We are each using one everyday suitcase , and we have an extra one for use at the long stops . No more trying to make breakfast in the rooms ; it 's just too much trouble . We only packed the small cooler for the road up , and are buying more things in grocery stores . There are probably other things that aren 't occurring to me right now , but just these make the whole thing a lot less exhausting . Basically , there 's less to haul over shorter distances . So , on to Virginia . Although this leg was almost the same length as the previous one , it took a lot less time , and was still a beautiful drive with the leaves just beginning to turn . And when we drove up to the Red Roof Inn , I realized I had made a mistake : it didn 't have the drive - up , motel - style entrances . What an idiot ! But they saved me from myself and put us on the first floor near the back door where we only needed to make up one cart - load of gear , and it was very easy for me and Nick to get in and out at night . Best of all , there were a pool and spa . And now it was cool enough to leave the dogs in the car , so we could eat in a restaurant . As soon as the sun was low enough to be sure we could park completely in the shade with the windows cracked , we skedaddled next door to the Cracker Barrel . So we planned to spend the next day driving around the countryside the way we had in South Carolina . After dinner we tried the pool and spa . Pool too cold . But we watched the sunset from the spa which was a great way to end the day , and it helped Joyce 's back , too . Posted by It 's different in South Carolina I started this three days ago , typed two sentences , and somehow lost it . I hope I can still remember what 's different . For one thing , the scenery , right ? It 's more rural and empty , which is good ! We drove around Atlanta ( Frequently mispronounced " Ick - lanta " for reasons that escape me . I have also heard " Ick - lantic Ocean . " Anyone know why ? ) This was pure hell for Joyce because of the traffic , and she spent most of that leg lying down in her seat . We really only swung around the southeastern corner , so it wasn 't that bad . For me , anyway , and I 'm sure the kids didn 't care . It was a fairly short drive to our Red Roof Inn in Greenville , which is the sort of place we would never stay in , and neither should you , whoever you are . It 's seedy and run - down despite being " newly renovated " and attracts the most unsavory - looking clientele who are characterized primarily by smoking and toothlessness . There were biker types and people congregated in little groups , smoking , all over the place . That was another difference between South Carolina and Georgia : poverty . You could see it and feel it everywhere . I 'm sure there were drug deals going down , and my room was next to a bunch of characters who looked questionable enough that I took the gun to my room . We keep it hidden in a case in a canvas bag for more safety and security . However , everyone was quiet and we slept great ! So go figure . The motel had absolutely nothing in the way of amenities , not even a coin laundry , and the wifi didn 't work again , but I knew that was a problem with my computer and not the property , so I called the local geek squad , and they came right out and fixed it on Sunday morning . It was an internal command I didn 't know how to give . Since I 'm working this trip , it 's at least a tax write - off . Now , while I waited at the motel for the geek , Joyce went off in search of McDonalds ' for breakfast sausage biscuits , the only reason we ever go there , and had an adventure of her own . While she was standing in line , a bra fell out of her shirt . Not her bra , mine . We had rinsed them out and hung them to dry in her room the night before , and she stuck it up under her shirt to carry it down to my room , but then she forgot about it . Until McDonalds ' . While she was standing in line , the bra fell out on the floor without her realizing it . So the man behind her saw it and asked if it was hers , and since it wasn 't , she had to say no , but she knew whose it was , she said , and picked it up . By this time they had reached the counter and Joyce was trying to explain but the clerk said , " Please ! I don 't wanna know ! " but she gave Joyce a plastic bag for it anyway . After the computer was fixed , we took the kids for a nice ride . And here are pictures of the pretty lake , probably High Falls Lake County Park , where we stopped . Also where some apparently completely crazy people were holding a Newfoundland ( dog ) Rescue demonstration . There was just so much screaming from the people , not the dogs , giving commands from the shore and small boats . Luckily we were able to find a nice place far enough away that they didn 't bother us much . The dogs had a good sniff , poop and pee , and we just enjoyed the ( mostly ) peace and quiet . The previous evening we had sent out for Chinese , and even in that weird little spot , it was excellent . That was the third surprise along with the quiet at night and the computer geeks . The second night there we had so much Chinese stuff left over , we just got a Subway footlong , and ate it all in stages while drinking beer and watching football in one of our ratty rooms . And despite being wrong about the behavior of the clientele , and the quiet nights , we were glad to leave . And you can be sure we were the only ones at either place so far picking up shit , either . When I arrive at a pet walk area , it 's always disgusting , but we keep picking up after them all the same . So if you walk your dog anywhere and don 't pick up , you 're worse than a pig , because pigs are clean . Last April we went up to the Panhandle for three weeks . After we got home , Joyce said she really wanted to do a Fall leaf peep , so we began very slowly planning for that , and in the intervening 18 months or so , we only went away for a couple of weekends , in order to pay for this month - long extravaganza . In addition , it 's good to remember we haven 't gone on any road trips since 2009 because , in my opinion , that was a disaster . It had its bright moments , but not enough to balance the anger , frustration and exhaustion . Joyce said we would never go as long as seven weeks again . So that 's how we chose Pennsylvania ; a week up , two weeks in two different locations , and a week back . So , fine . Eventually the day rolls around , which was yesterday , and I am in a terrible depression , remembering the last time . I 'm sure we 'll never get ready , and I 'm sure even if we do , it 's gonna be a disaster . I had to be dragged , almost kicking and screaming , to the van . I am thinking I would rather have a colonoscopy , go shopping for clothes , or go to jail . But nothing of the sort intervened , and we set out for Macon , which is as far as we can make it in a day with three dogs , small bladders , and one person who hates driving , but hates riding even worse . On the way we saw a giant cow , but not much else . When you live in central Florida , you drive a full day before getting to see anything you haven 't seen before . I am sure the cow was new . It was very shiny . Note how out of focus it is . That gets better in later pictures . One thing worth mentioning happened while we were still in Florida , We stopped at McDonalds ' for coffee , to walk the dogs , to walk ourselves , and to change drivers . We take turns going in while the other minds the dogs . The dog walk area was sort of marshy and I suddenly found my legs covered with mosquitoes . I brushed some off and killed the rest while walking away , but they persisted . I can 't get the dogs into their carriers without help ( two go in one and that requires four hands ) so I piled all thrleztrek
|
I have not accomplished all the goals I set to improve the balance in my life . What I have come to understand , though , is that incremental change is still change , and it will build . So I 'm more faithful in using my prayer space and writing in my journal . I 'm keeping the house clean , which enables me to host the day camp staff for supper without too much extra work . I 'm celebrating that progress The next incremental changes will include diet and exercise . I am moving forward . I 'm also dampening my parents ' voices . My mom was a perfectionist , and I 'm working on silencing my inner perfectionist . My dad was a gourmet , and stressed out over entertaining . I 'm resisting the temptation to over do Thursday evening 's meal . I don 't need to make the pasta sauce , I can use the stuff in the jar . I can keep it relatively simple . These are young adults who 've been living on camp food all summer . They will be happy with a simple meal . Daughter is very excited that she gets to see them on Thursday . She was quizzing me about the menu this morning . I think she was satisfied with my plans . I assured her I had everything under control . She almost believed me . . . . . We are hosting a day camp this week , and we have 5 young adults who are here to work with the kids . My responsibilities are limited . Today I greeted the children and their parents as they arrived . I also reheated leftovers from yesterday 's fellowship meal to feed the staff . We 'd had a taco bar yesterday to welcome them , and they loved it then and again today . They are so grateful , and it is such a minor thing . Daughter wanted to come help , but she doesn 't have the patience to work with the kids all day , and I don 't have the time to transport her when she wears out . She was so excited yesterday to see the staff , because some of them were on staff last summer when she went to the special needs camp . She told me she wanted to hang out with the staff . I explained they would be busy all day and wouldn 't have time to hang out with her . I decided to solve the problem by inviting the staff to supper Thursday night . They are running 2 camps this week , so there are 9 staff members in the area . I will serve them all supper . I 've decided that this week my job is to serve . I 'm always serving , but this week the service will take different forms , and that 's fine . It should be interesting to see what I figure out for supper , but I 'll make it work . Daughter is still frustrated that I 'm busy with something she 's not involved with , but she 'll survive . The day camp seems to be off to a good start , and I 'm grateful . Most of the children attending are from the community , and I 'm grateful for the opportunity to minister to families in the community in this way . Posted by This morning I put on hose and makeup for the first time in 5 weeks . It was the only thing I didn 't like about the day . It was really good to be back and I had lots of people telling me how much they 'd missed me . I enjoyed hearing that . We had the young adults who are counselors for the day camp we 're hosting this week in worship . We also had 3 visitors . They were people who had visited while I was on vacation , and I wrote them notes last week . I wrote 5 notes , and 2 of those resulted in return visits and thank yous today . Treasurer was asking me some questions about church history last week , so I loaned him a book . He 's read it and loved it . He said it answered lots of his questions , and he wants to discuss it with me . I warned him he may know more about church history than I do now , but I would be glad to have a conversation about it . Daughter spent the night here , and I told her this morning I was going to have to stay after worship and the fellowship meal for a meeting about day camp . She wasn 't thrilled . " Can I find someone else to take me home ? " I told her she could , and she did . She has matured so much . I thanked the woman who has been transporting her , and she told me she was thrilled that Daughter is comfortable calling her to ask . Administrative Assistant said , " She 's developing her own identity at the church , separate from you . " That 's good . I came home and mowed the lawn , and now I 'm watching the Olympics . I 'm also breaking my new rule , as I have my computer out here in the family room . My goal now is to keep the computer in the guest room / home office when I 'm here at home . I 'm working on more balance in my life , and I feel like I 'm making progress . Posted by Several hours struggling with the sermon or this Sunday . It 's not done , but I think I know where it 's going and it shouldn 't take much time to finalize . Of course , that 's what I thought when I developed a rough outline a couple of months ago . Unfortunately the headlines and the Holy Spirit sent me in a different direction . All in all , Administrative Assistant was right . It was a busy , productive week . Next week we will be hosting a day camp 9 to 5 each day . Supposedly I will only be involved Monday morning and Friday . We 'll see how that works out . Perhaps the best part of this week was the opportunity to reconnect with so many people . Next week I 'll have the opportunity to connect with neighborhood parents as they bring their children to day camp . I 'm looking forward to that , though it means it will be another busy week and I will probably be struggling once again to get the sermon done during the week . I still remember the wise old pastor who said to the frustrated young pastor , " The interruptions are your ministry . " Daughter had piano lessons as a child . Years of them . I finally tired of the battle involved with trying to get her to practice , and we stopped them . She 's doing special music in a couple of weeks , and wanted to sing and play Morning Has Broken . She told me she couldn 't figure it out , so she brought home her music book today . I was helping her name notes . She could handle the treble clef pretty well , but was stuck on the bass clef . So she named the notes in one measure . In the next measure there were 3 notes - - 2 were the same as the previous measure , 1 had changed . She couldn 't figure out the notes she had just named in the previous measure . I was exceedingly patient , and eventually she figured it out . I find myself asking at times like that , though , if it is a matter that she can 't figure them out , or won 't . She managed to play all the notes through once , but doesn 't want to take the time to work on it and get it flowing smoothly . At this point I 'm thinking she won 't be doing special music any time soon . Posted by Administrative Assistant assures me we 're getting lots of things done this week . I hope she 's right , because I 'm sure not making much progress on the list I made . Of course , many of the things we 're getting done weren 't on the list - - like figuring out who is going to lock up after day camp next week or what to do about the cleaning crew that comes on Friday . The long conversation with the mother of a young man who is fighting ( and probably losing ) a battle with cancer . The conversation about with the grandfather who worries that his grandson isn 't getting the help he needs with his special needs . Figuring out how to make sure we have enough meal for a fellowship meal this Sunday after the sign - up sheet and announcements about it were forgotten . Working on covering the music on Sunday when we won 't have a musician . Hearing the excuses as to why the air conditioning installation still isn 't complete 2 weeks after the promised date . As she was leaving for the day ( late ) I asked , " Are you sure we 're getting things done ? " Administrative Assistant thinks all those things count . She 's right , they do . Unfortunately , so do the things on my to do list , which seems to be getting longer instead of shorter . . . . It 's good to be back , even when the to do list is growing . Posted by I woke up a little after 3 : 00 this morning , and at 4 : 00 I gave up on the idea of going back to sleep and got into the shower . I was at the church a little before 7 : 00 , and began writing the newsletter articles that came out of last night 's board meeting . I have an awesome board . A service group is building apartments for senior citizens next to the church . They have asked me to do a prayer at the ground breaking . I told the board I had offered the church for a reception following the ceremony , and they asked when it would be . When I told them , they said , " Let 's do a luncheon . " People immediately volunteered to coordinate it . Anyway , I was at the church early , getting started on the tasks of the day . Today Administrative Assistant was in for the first time since my vacation , and of course the stream of people stopping by to check in continued . There are a number of things happening , and there are also a number of sick people needing attention . Daughter called several times . The second time she " just wanted to talk . " I was trying to finish some things with Administrative Assistant so I could go pick up a member to call on a woman who is in rehab after a serious fall with multiple broken bones . I told her I was busy . She proceeded to send Sister a text telling her that since I 'd gone back to work I didn 't care about her anymore and didn 't have time to talk to her . Sister handled it well , telling her it was natural she 'd miss me more after the extra time with me while I was on vacation . She also reminded her I 'm always busy when I first start back . She then forwarded copies of all the texts to me . I finished the visit ( on the other side of town ) and dropped off the woman a little after 5 : 00 . I then called Daughter . She was not very pleasant . I acted as though nothing was wrong . I got home , and after a quick supper headed out to mow the lawn . I sent Daughter a text like I always do , telling her I 'd be mowing and wouldn 't hear the phone , and would let her know when I was done . She called almost immediately . " It 's your lawn , why should I care if you 're mowing it ? " I reminded her I 'd promised to text her when I was mowing so she wouldn 't worry if I didn 't answer the phone . She wasn 't very pleasant . I again ignored the attitude . An hour later I texted her , " Done . " She called and apologized . I reminded her that I don 't like being this busy either . She has an appointment with Psychiatrist in the morning , and I reminded her ( several times today ) that I will see her there . The drama was relatively minor and relatively short lived , so that 's progress . It still gets frustrating , though , when she gets surly and rebels against the limits I set on my availability through the day . She is improving , so I 'll celebrate that . Posted by I don 't know what I was thinking when I listed out my goals for the day , which were all solitary activities like reading commentaries and preparing for a meeting . Monday is supposed to be my day for such things , since the office is officially closed . I am grateful for the reading and planning I have been able to do so far today , and I 'm also grateful for the number of people who have stopped by to welcome me back and check in with me - - at last count I 've had extended conversations with 5 people and heard lots of news . There were some people who came by and didn 't stop because of the steady stream of traffic through my study . I 've identified one ball that got dropped while I was gone and formulated a plan for picking it up . The installation of the new HVAC unit for the sanctuary is now two weeks behind schedule , and I have announced that if it isn 't done for this Sunday , we will be moving downstairs where it is cooler , since I don 't do well with heat . ( Fortunately the office is on a separate unit that is functioning well . ) I 've had an update on the day camp we will be hosting next week . So far , things are falling into place nicely . Other churches have had problems getting registrations , we have a waiting list . Now I need to gather my thoughts for this evening 's board meeting . We are going to have to deal with some things that would normally be handled by other groups , but that 's what happens when it 's summer and all the groups aren 't meeting regularly and the pastor is gone for 4 weeks . I am wondering why I thought it would be a good idea to meet on my first day back , but it will be fine . . I have to say , it 's great to be back connecting with folks and making plans . I do love my life . I may not have mentioned that recently . . . . Last month my spiritual director pointed out that my first year here , my focus was on the congregation and getting to know them . Last year I focused on Daughter , and getting her adjusted and seeing that she was safe in her new home . This year , it 's time to focus on myself . My goal is to find the balance that has been missing from my life . I 've been spending some time in prayer and with my journal as I contemplated how to achieve this elusive balance . This morning is my first day back in the office , and instead of coming in bright and early , I waited until about 9 : 00 to arrive . Instead of jumping right into work , I took the time to unpack and organize a little bit . I have set some goals for how I work , including working at the desk at home , rather than having my computer open in front of me wherever I am . I have set up a spot in the formal living room ( seldom used ) for my daily personal worship . I 'm not sure it will stay there , but that 's where it is for now . I want it someplace away from distractions , some place that has a single purpose . So far , it is working well . I have a candle I light when I 'm there . I haven 't used a candle for a while , but for years it was a signal to Daughter that this was my time with God and she needed to wait . Of course , there were times when she 'd stand just within my peripheral vision fidgeting as she waited . There were times when she would be so distracting I 'd interrupt what I was doing to see what she wanted . She 'd protest that she could wait , and I 'd tell her to just tell me what she wanted . I don 't have her distracting me now , but Kitten did end up on my lap . I realized that it isn 't very often I 'm sitting still with an empty lap . I think Kitten is going to like my new routine . Posted by This morning we went to worship in a sister church across town ( chosen because I knew they had air conditioning ) . The pastor was focusing on the peace Christ gives . During the children 's time , she read a story by Bishop Desmond Tutu . She introduced it by explaining a little bit about Bishop Tutu and apartheid in S . Africa . The story itself was wonderful ( I just ordered a copy , and will be using it at some point in the future . ) In the course of her sermon , she mentioned the Olympics , and Jesse Owens , and the struggles he had had for acceptance . At lunch , Daughter was in a foul mood . She informed me she had found the worship service to be very disturbing . I was surprised , and asked what was disturbing about it . She heard the explanation of apartheid and shut down . As far as she was concerned , the whole service was racist . Once again it 's a matter of perspective . I explained to her more about apartheid , and we looked up Jesse Owens on line , but I 'm not sure she heard any of it . I think it 's hard to live in Daughter 's head . When we got home , she helped me finish the guest room / study . I think this is the first time it 's really been clean since we moved in . It 's nice . I love the color I selected for this room , and am looking forward to spending more time in it . In fact , I 'm sitting at the desk right now to work on my laptop - - which I believe is a first . I 'm going to be ready to jump back into things tomorrow . Posted by I shared that Daughter would have a difficult time with my back issues . She has s decided it 's time to begin looking for a nursing home for me . She doesn 't think I should live alone any more . She is serious - - she sees me as very old and in very poor health . She has forgotten I just spent a week camping in a tent . She has forgotten that I 've spent much of the summer working in the yard , constructing raised garden beds and filling them . For her the only reality is that I 've been having some back spasms . She has always lived in the immediate moment , to the point that nothing else exists . It makes life very challenging for her , and is one of the things that necessitates supervision for her . She could make a decision in the midst of the moment that could have far reaching consequences . I am continually trying to teach her perspective . Yesterday she thought I was being unreasonable because I didn 't think she should go out with a particular man . I 've lost count of the number of times she has agreed to be his girlfriend , only to have it end in tears . She assured me he 'd changed , this time would be different . I pointed out that is what she 's told me every time . She finally told him she just wanted to be friends , and he hung up on her . Yup , he 's really changed . Posted by I picked up Daughter this morning , and we have spent the day cleaning . She has been super cooperative and worked hard . My back no longer has spasms , it 's just a little sore , so I 've been able to do lots of work . I may achieve my goal of having the house clean before I start back to work , which pleases me . Daughter is interested in having a boy friend again . I suggested that starting at the workshop would be enough stress for now . I don 't think I convinced her . Posted by Our campsite . I love having the screen house , and have a pretty nice kitchen set up inside of it . Sunrise our first morning . I was the only one up to see it , which was just fine . We visited a winery with Sister and Short Niece . This was the view . Daughter and another view on the same hike . My back is feeling good enough to figure out some pictures to upload , but not good enough to do any real work yet . Hopefully tomorrow . Posted by My back is definitely improving . Daughter was home last night , and as I thought , she was quite concerned . She told me several times I was scaring her . I asked her if she 'd like to come tomorrow and help me do the cleaning I haven 't been able to do because of my back . I promised to pay her . She was very eager to do that . The referral has gone through for her to start in a sheltered workshop one day a week . As soon as all the key people are back from vacation , we 'll have a pre - placement meeting and get her started . She understands this is the first step towards getting a job . I hope she will be able to make this work . We 'll increase her days there as she adjusts and is successful . She would like to start with 2 or 3 days a week , but that 's not going to happen . I wish I were more optimistic about her ability to succeed there . She 's matured so much - - maybe she is ready now to make this work . Posted by When my alarm went off at 6 : 00 this morning , I couldn 't reach it . After 10 minutes , it went off on its own . At 7 : 00 , I woke up and contemplated my situation . The head of my bed is elevated because of my GERD . As a result , I sometimes slide down towards the foot during the night . I was in the middle of my full size bed when I woke up this morning . I couldn 't reach the head of my bed to pull myself up . I couldn 't swing my legs over the edge of the bed . I spent over 10 minutes trying to work my way to a better spot in the bed . I pondered . I managed to get my feet and lower legs to the edge of the bed , but couldn 't push myself up to a sitting position . I was making slow process when the phone rang . I knew it would be Daughter . I also knew that if I didn 't answer the phone Daughter would be convinced something was very wrong with me . Okay , so there 's something a little wrong with me . It 's not life threatening though , and Daughter would be sure I was going to die . I rolled over to my stomach and my feet hit the floor . I pushed myself up to a standing position . It took a minute or two , but I finally was able to let go of the bed . I missed her call to my cell phone , but when she called the land line , I was able to answer it . My love for Daughter was what enabled me to roll out of bed this morning . My back is definitely in better shape than it was yesterday , but I think I may look up that chiropractor a colleague recommended to me . . . . I stood up this morning and felt a sharp pain across my back . I 'm choosing my movements very carefully now , and planning ahead if I need to walk someplace , like to the bathroom . I 'm having lots of muscle spasms . In the midst of the pain , I 'm grateful : It didn 't happen in front of Daughter , she would have freaked out . I 'm grateful I haven 't had back problems like this in 12 years . I 'm hoping to be in a little less pain tomorrow - - Daughter gets very scared when I 'm not feeling well . Posted by Last week I read a news story on my phone that got me thinking . ( It wasn 't that exact article , but this covers the story . ) Obviously , the story is disturbing . What bothered me more , though , were the comments that various readers had posted . They bothered me so much that I only read a couple before deciding I needed to focus on something else . The basics of the story : Mom drives from Illinois to Tennessee where she pushes her 19 year old daughter through the door of a bar and leaves . Her daughter had the mental capacity of a toddler , and was unable to communicate her name or where she was from . The criticism of the mother was intense . Most of the comments that I read thought that the mother should have continued to care for her daughter in her home forever . Let me be clear : I don 't approve of or condone what the mother did . In the article I read , she said her minister told her that there were lots of Christians in Tennessee and they 'd take good care of her daughter , so that 's why she took her there to abandon her . There were comments from state officials in Illinois stating what she had done was unnecessary , as there were resources available to her in Illinois that would have given her a couple of hours a day of in home help . There was also great frustration that since the daughter was 19 , the mom was not legally responsible for her and had broken no laws by abandoning her . With that background , here are my thoughts : I don 't think any of those commentators understood what is involved in caring for a severely handicapped adult . I am very fortunate that as a minister I can set my own hours and my schedule is so flexible , because there is no way I could have kept a regular job while caring for Daughter in my home . Her medical appointments generally took a minimum of half a day , and there were months when she had several of them . She couldn 't be left unsupervised for her own safety . It was like being the parent of a toddler , except toddlers are cute and you know they will grow and become more responsible . Friends and I didn 't realize how much stress it was until Daughter moved to the group home last fall . Again , I don 't know the particulars in this case , but I do know how exhausting it is to live with a toddler in an adult 's body . I also know it can be dangerous . Toddler temper tantrums are no fun , but when thrown by someone in an adult body , they are dangerous . They can be very dangerous . If her daughter had injured one of her other children in a tantrum , the mother could have been charged with child neglect and lost custody of her other children . I am not in a position to judge the actions of that mother . I can only begin to imagine how painful it must have been to abandon her daughter that way . The article commented on the fact that the daughter had obviously been very well cared for prior to being abandoned . I can only begin to imagine the stress that led her to such desperate measures . I can 't imagine circumstances in which I would have done something like that with Daughter . I can imagine the desperation that led the mother to take those actions . Rather than judging the mother , let 's look at what led to her actions . Let 's ponder what would have been necessary for her to keep her daughter in her home , or even in the same community . Let 's find out why those resources weren 't available for her . One of the reasons I moved from Tiny Village was because I wanted more resources / opportunities for Daughter . It would have been 5 - 10 years before there would have been funding for a group home for her ( assuming that the state didn 't make any deeper slashes to funding ) . There was one state where I explored resources for Daughter after an excellent phone interview . I made contact with ARC in that area , and the response was to not even consider moving to that state . I wasn 't surprised , as an online search had revealed that there were multiple lawsuits against the state with regard to lack of services . It was a real struggle finding a group home here that could handle Daughter - - on paper she doesn 't qualify for the level of supervision Reverend Mom This morning I sat down and listed out the things I hope to accomplish this week . I spent the morning working on them , and have managed to complete 4 and make major progress on the largest one listed . Daughter is slightly manic right now . Her last call came after 11 : 00 last night , and her first call came before 6 : 00 this morning . Today was her first day back at program , and she was a little apprehensive about it . I went to the mall to get a battery for my watch , and ran into Administrative Assistant and her husband . Daughter was very excited to be in worship yesterday , and was showing everyone her pictures from vacation . Some of the stories had grown , of course , but she was enthusiastic about the fun we had . The new HVAC unit for the sanctuary is being installed this week . It 's been hot the last 3 weeks , as the old one had completely died . I 'm glad we 'd approved and ordered a new one prior to its death . It would not have been good stewardship to put any more money into the old one . The heat wave is back . I 'm putting off the outside work until later in the week , when it is supposed to be cooler . Now it 's back to my list . . . . Daughter claims she hates peppers , mushrooms , and various other things . Friday night we went out for pizza . I ordered the deluxe , which had mushrooms and green peppers . Daughter protested that she hated them . The clerk said we could go half and half on the pizza , but I assured her it was okay , Daughter would eat the peppers and mushrooms , and she did . She didn 't leave anything on her plate . Today , I was out working in the garden and she called . I told her I had just found a large pepper , and sent her a picture . She replied that it was an awesome pepper . I pointed out that she doesn 't like peppers . Her reply was priceless . " I have a confusion . I do like peppers . " She meant confession , but I think confusion is appropriate . . . . This morning Daughter went to church courtesy of on of our members who picked her up . She said she had to go back to our church , she didn 't want to visit a different church with me . I went to worship at a colleague 's congregation . It was nice to sit in the congregation and worship . When Daughter got home yesterday , she did all her laundry from vacation . I came home and collapsed . Of course , she 's younger than I am , she slept on the drive home , and she did not do as much of the packing as I did yesterday . She was working , but she is slow and easily distracted . It felt good to sleep in a bed in a cool house . I slept over 8 1 / 2 hours . I generally sleep pretty well with my air mattress , and most of the time we were camping it was pleasantly cool at night . The last two nights , however , were definitely not cool . . . . I have now started my laundry and intend to do some work in my garden this afternoon . It 's hot outside , so I will take frequent breaks to come in and work inside , too . I 'm going to make a list of the things I hope to accomplish during this final week of vacation . I 'm planning to do some cleaning and rearranging here at home . I also have work I want to accomplish in my gardens , of course . I 'm going to sit down at some point today and prioritize what I hope to accomplish . I suspect my list will be longer than the available time , so prioritizing things will be important . I 'm going to make two road trips this week - - one to get the mouse on my laptop repaired . Daughter 's laptop has been repaired and should be arriving at the church early this week . She will be pleased when she 's here Thursday to have it back . It hasn 't worked for several months , but I didn 't make time to call technical support until a couple of weeks ago . It was still under warranty , so that 's good . The mouse for my computer will be covered by the extended warranty . I 'm going to take it in so I can get it fixed the same day . I don 't want to be without it for the time it would take to send it in . Now I 'm going to put the first load of laundry in the dryer , start the second load , and head out to the garden . It 's going to be a good afternoon . Posted by We are home after a wonderful vacation . After 3 years , it was great to be camping again . It was a wonderful week . Daughter did very well . When we got home today , she was in a hurry to unload the car so she could get to her " real " home . Sister and Short Niece joined us for one night . Short Niece is a hand full , to say the least . They left the concert early , because Short Niece was bored . We enjoyed a wonderful concert , and Daughter was able to enjoy the entire thing , and didn 't ask to leave early or try to convince me she was getting sick . Daughter acknowledged that she enjoyed our hikes - - though they were relatively short . For most of the week , the weather was wonderful . Thursday and Friday were a little warmer , so we spent Friday painting pottery in air conditioned comfort . Daughter was super cooperative when it came to packing up camp today . We spent a wonderful evening with a couple from the church who have a cottage in the area with a spectacular view . They built it themselves back in the 70 's . He was a teacher , so he had the summers off , and they were able to spend all summer there . Apparently Sister - in - law wondered why I hadn 't invited them to camp with us . I hadn 't even considered it , since they have a baby , but they bought a camper this year . Sister and I are talking about the possibility of having all of us spend at least a weekend camping together next year . Far Away Sister probably wouldn 't come , but the rest of us could gather for a weekend . If that happens , I will probably extend our camping time next year . The time with Sister and Brother will be wonderful , but it won 't be the relaxing , quiet time I need during my vacation . Posted by We 're ready to head out now - - only the cooler left to be loaded into the car . I 'm going to let Daughter finish the movie she started , and then we 'll leave . She 's been super cooperative . This morning I was listing the things I wanted her to do while I mowed the lawn . I suddenly realized I was giving her a long list , and she is easily overwhelmed by that . " Do you want me to write these down ? " While I mowed she completed the list and started on some other things , as well . I 'm glad I started on the lawn as early as I did . It took just over an hour , and as I finished a little after 9 : 00 , it was already 86 with a heat index much higher . The lawn is mowed , though , and should be fine while we enjoy our camping trip . I 'm looking forward to our week of camping . The last two summers we weren 't able to camp , in part because Daughter was wetting the bed almost every night . She hasn 't wet it since she moved out . She commented the other day , " Well , you won 't have to worry about me wetting my sleeping bag this year . That will be nice . She says she 's looking forward to some hikes . She knows that a day of cooperation doing the things I enjoy will get her a day doing things she wants to do . She seemed disappointed we 'd only be camping 7 nights . I think I am , too . . . . Today was a record high . When I say record high , I don 't mean record for the day , I mean the highest temperature ever recorded here . We came home and did laundry . I went out and did some watering and weeding , and picked up all the branches that had been blown down in a storm . I didn 't try to mow the lawn , I 'll do that tomorrow morning , when it 's cooler . We got some of the gear in the car , and have some more to load tomorrow . I hope to leave here about 11 : 30 . I want to check in to the campground at 3 : 00 ( or a little earlier , though officially we can 't check in until 3 : 00 ) . At 5 : 00 we 'll walk over to the concert . Here 's the exciting news : right now it 's about 15 degrees cooler at the state park . For the first 4 - 5 days we 're there , the forecast calls for highs of 80 - 82 and lows of 55 - 57 . As far as I 'm concerned , that 's perfect camping weather . Sister and Short Niece are going to join us for tomorrow evening . I spoke to Sister this afternoon , and she was planning to skip the sleeping bags and just bring a sheet . I asked her if she 'd checked the forecast , and told her I thought she 'd want a sleeping bag . Daughter has been super cooperative with the work we 've had to do since we got home . She has matured so much . I have decided I 'm not going to take my computer , so I won 't be blogging for the next week or so . Stay cool ! Daughter had a melt down yesterday evening after worship . It was our final night , and she was upset because we would be saying goodbye to everyone this morning . She was able to tell me why she was so upset . She wanted to leave immediately , to avoid the hard goodbyes . Instead , I made her walk with me around the lake . We 'd had a storm that had cooled the temperature down to tolerable . As we began , Daughter protested , insisting she wasn 't going to go , complaining I 'd get her lost . When we arrived at the labyrinth on the other side of the lake , she told me not to walk it , and talked about how she didn 't want to be there . I didn 't engage her complaints and protests , and proceeded to walk the labyrinth while praying aloud about how hard it is to say goodbye , and asking God to guide us though changes and the hard times . When we set off again we came across a sign on the prayer trail that quoted one of the psalms . I began to sing a praise song based on the psalm , and she joined in . As we approached the main building , I asked if she was going to go on the water slide , which was going to be open from 9 : 00 to 10 : 00 . She insisted she wasn 't interested . Then we meet a couple of teenagers who asked Daughter if she was going to go . As soon as we got back , she rushed to her room the change into her swimsuit . When she came back to the main building , I was part of a group sitting in the lobby . She reported she 'd gone down 3 times , and had gotten twisted around the last time , which scared her . Then she danced off to our room , singing . A number of people commented on how much she has grown and matured in the last year . I have to agree . It was a good week . We 're home now , and the last load of laundry is in the washing machine . Tomorrow we head out to a state park to camp , and we have a concert tomorrow night . Today is hot . As in , we may break the all time recorded high for this city . I need to mow the lawn before we head out tomorrow . I 'm not sure how that will work out . . . . Daughter has been pretty independent this year . This afternoon there is a basketball game between the youth and the adults . Daughter is going to play . She knew I had no desire to sit in a hot gym and watch , so she went to Friend and informed her that I wouldn 't let her go unless Friend went to keep her safe . Friend is a special ed teacher and them other a son with diabetes . Daughter loves her . Friend , of course , told me what Daughter had said . I told her that I had told Daughter I had confidence in her ability to keep herself safe , and she didn 't need anyone to go with her . About that time Daughter comes out in the lobby , where we have been talking . I reminded her of what I had actually said , and told her I was not happy with the lie . She wasn 't happy that I embarrassed her . I told her she had embarrassed herself , and she needed to remember that I have spies everywhere . She went over to the gym to play basketball . Friend went over to cheer all of the players on , and if Daughter has a problem , she 'll be there to help . I love living in this community for Conference . It truly is a wonderful gift . Posted by It is hot here , as it is in much of the country . We 're under heat and air quality warnings . Fortunately , the facilities are air conditioned and my room is in the main building , so I don 't have to go outside . Even those of us who are staying inside are dragging in this heat . Daughter is still homesick , and got frustrated in the class where she is a helper . She took a long nap this afternoon , so hopefully that helped . We 're in the midst of the annual talent show drama . She has signed up to be in it , and is stressing out over it . I have suggested she take her name off the list , but she won 't . She knows , though , that I have no patience for the talent show drama , so she 's dropped a few hints , but I 'm not biting . She is much more independent this year , which is nice . I 've been allowing her to carry her own insulin , which seems to be working . I 'm teaching a Bible study , and taking a painting class . I 've never done any painting , and I find I 'm enjoying it . The instructor is introducing us to various techniques , and I 'm enjoying the class . This has been a wonderful time to relax and unwind , and I 'm enjoying it . Even though I 'm teaching a class , there 's plenty of time for conversation and relaxation . I 'm looking forward to camping next week . I 've been watching the forecast , and it looks like the weather will be more reasonable . I hope so , anyway . Posted by Daughter and I arrived here at our conference late Sunday afternoon . Daughter was so excited about being here . She was out of the car and hugging friends before I had even turned the car off . Sunday evening I discovered I forgot to pack a power cord for my computer . Since I 'm teaching a class , that was a problem , as I 'm heavily dependent on PowerPoint for my teaching . After pondering a number of options , I called Administrative Assistant at home and told her I needed a huge favor . When I told her I forgot my power cord , she just laughed . She went in on her day off yesterday and retrieved one from my office and shipped it to me overnight mail . It arrived this morning . I called her to tell her how awesome she is , and she laughed , " So you got it . " The battery gave out half way through my class yesterday , and the class let me know that they missed the PowerPoint , so last night I borrowed Sister Best Friend 's computer and flash drive , and then used a class member 's computer during class this morning . It worked , but I 'm glad to have my own computer up and running again . Many people tried to loan me their power cords , but none fit . I even offered a large bag of M & M 's as a reward for the person who could provide a cord that would work . I 'll give the M & M 's to AA when I drop the projector back at the church on Friday . As always , I 'm loving my time here at the conference as I visit old friends and make new ones . The class I 'm teaching is a small but amazing group , and we 're having a good time wrestling with Scripture together . Daughter is a little homesick , but that doesn 't surprise me . She 's doing well and is much more independent this year . It 's great to see the growth in her . Now it 's time to go prepare for tomorrow 's class . . . . I just broke one of my own rules , and posted a political opinion on facebook . Someone had posted a quote by Donald Trump complaining about the Affordable Care Act . One of his points alluded to the concern there won 't be enough physicians to provide care for the people who will now have insurance . So now an argument against it is that if my neighbor has access to life saving care I may have to wait longer to see a doctor . I don 't think the plan is perfect . There are many parts of it I don 't like . However , I 'm willing to take an imperfect plan if it will provide access to care to my neighbors . I don 't like taxes , but I 'm willing to pay higher taxes to save lives . I am frustrated by those who refuse to acknowledge that the current system is broken , and to fix it , those of us with good insurance and incomes may have to make some sacrifices . I think that 's what Jesus would want us to do . He made sacrifices for us , and called us to follow him . I don 't recall him saying following him meant being anti - tax and opposing programs to provide a safety net for the poor . I 'd like to see those who are so against the plan offer an alternative . Instead of denouncing it and opposing it , address the issues that created the need for it . I 'd love to see a better plan . I hear the stories : of people who stay in terrible jobs because they need the insurance , of people who can 't get insurance because of a pre - existing condition , of people who can 't get treatment for life threatening conditions simply because they don 't have insurance and can 't afford the treatment . Yes , the uninsured can get emergency care today . What they can 't get , though , is ongoing treatment for chronic conditions . Instead of worrying about the financial cost of this plan , let 's consider the human cost of not implementing reform . Instead of just condemning the plan , offer a better alternative . I 'm willing to live with an imperfect plan that will save lives while we search for a better alternative . Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . .
|
After the gruesome incident at McKinley warehouse , Ellie and Flint had been rained by questions , interviews and tabloids . They couldn 't live in peace . Everyone was asking them preposterous questions about the vicious murders and making defamations about them . The news were telling stories about them , every single thing was absolutely bashing them . They couldn 't live with it anymore . Those were just the news flash . Everyday they could see their names in local newspaper , making false conclusions about them . " DEMON HUNTERS ON DRUGS " , " STUDENTS MURDERED PRINCIPAL " , " AN UNBELIEVABLY FOOLISH FACT " . Why couldn 't they let Ellie and Flint live in peace ? They had been through a lot of things and were saving the town , but was this how they repay for what Ellie and Flint had done ? People were being cruel to them . So they had to move on . Ellie sat on the sofa , watching a news about her . She was feeling massively disappointed with the citizens of McKinley . For what she had accomplished , this was the prize for her . She knew that her life wouldn 't be the same again . People would keep on ambushing her with absurd questions . That would take her sanity away , she could become crazy . When she returned to school , everyone was looking at her like she was a corrupted child who had use so many drugs and was hallucinating about the demon . She knew she was sober , even the blood test had proven that she was squeaky clean from drugs . She never touched them before . But what could she do ? No one believed in her anymore . For them , Ellie was an unfortunate child . Flint thought it was time for him to move on . He had to protect Ellie from the citizens of McKinley . For all he cared about , Ellie must live in happiness . However , he knew that he wasn 't doing a great job . Ellie always on the phone with him , almost everyday , crying about her new life . Flint couldn 't take it anymore . He wanted to live with Ellie in happiness . Ellie had always been mocked and insulted by the bullies at school , and for the sake of Ellie , he fought with them , but he was the one that brought bruises back home . Ellie was touched to see Flint was willing to sacrifice himself for her . However , SHE couldn 't watch him being tortured everyday . Detective Stone and Flint 's grandparents had discuss about their problem and they had decided to move them away from McKinley , where it would be safe and peaceful . However , Ellie and Flint didn 't agree with the plan . Ellie fought with her father because she didn 't want to move away from Flint . She knew that she would be separated from Flint and only God knows when they would be meeting again . It was the same for Flint . His grandparents decided to give him away to a priest who they knew very well in New York . His late adopted mother was a nun , so they thought it would be better if Flint lived with a priest . At first , Flint refused , but to think again , Flint knew if they were separated , Ellie would get her life back and she would be happy . He knew that Ellie wouldn 't have the heart to leave him and probably would be miserable without him , but he wanted her to be in peace from the people of McKinley . He decided to go on with his grandparents 's plan . " Ellie ! Listen ! I can 't stand from hearing and watching you cry almost everyday ! And I can 't let you be in sorrow ! So I had to , Ellie ! It is the only way that we can escape this , " said Flint . " What ? You think I 'm not gonna suffer when you 're gone ? Like I 'm not gonna be in sorrow when you 're not there with me ? " " At least you can live in peace ! There 's no other people who look at you like a crazy person ! I don 't want that to happen to you and I don 't want this ' thing ' to continue ! We have to move away , Ellie . That 's the best solution " " We will . We need to be patient until the day we 'll see each other again . And I promise to you , I will wait for that day " Ellie couldn 't hold her sadness . She hugged Flint and cried sorrowfully . She didn 't have a heart to leave Flint . She needed Flint to be with her . " Don 't worry , Ellie . We 'll be together again , and I 'm very sure after we do , we 'll be happy again . But right now we have to sacrifice for each other . And I don 't want to see you cry again . Promise to me that you wont cry again , okay ? " said Flint coaxingly . Ellie nodded but her face was soaked in tears . Flint was right . They would be seeing each other again . All they need to do was to wait for that day . At the railway station , Det . Woods , Det . Stone , Ellie and Flint was waiting for the train patiently . The station was crowded with people , some of them were going to work and maybe some of them were going on a trip , but she doubt any of those people were escaping from tabloids except her and Flint . Suddenly , Det . Stone and Det . Woods took out a present for each of them . It was wrapped in a shiny wrapper and was dark blue and was kind of small as a size of a purse or a wallet . They thought it was a purse or a wallet . Ellie and Flint unwrapped the wrapper and produced a box which had a picture of a digital camera on it . It was a digital camera , obviously . They were surprised to see it and took out the camera from the box immediately . Ellie 's was silver coloured and Flint 's was dark blue . They were right , they needed it right at that moment . Ellie and Flint turned on their cameras and viewed the surrounding on the LCD screen of the camera . It was absolutely clear and very sharp . Must be very expensive , they thought . " Hey Flint ! Smile ! " said Ellie . Flint stood stationary while pointing at his new camera and smiled sweetly . Ellie clicked on the button as soon as she got a better view of Flint . Det . Stone and Det . Woods giggled as they watched the kids 's act . Suddenly , an announcement was made , saying that a train to New York was arriving . Flint heard the announcement and suddenly , his mood changed . Ellie nodded . Every single cell in her body was telling her to not let Flint go off from her sight . However , she fought it . She had to let him go on with his life . She was confused , her heart beat was beating faster and she couldn 't control her emotion , but she promised to Flint that she wouldn 't cry again . She was biting her nail nervously . Flint was about to step on the stair of the bridge to get across . She stood there stationary and watched him from afar . " Flint ! " screamed Ellie . Flint turned around and saw Ellie was running towards him . As soon as she reached him , she hugged him tightly and kissed him on the lips . Flint held her cheeks and locked his lips on Ellie 's . It was both beautiful and saddest moment of their lives . Ellie let go of his face and stared at him in the eyes , so was Flint . Her heart beat was suddenly slowing down and she had fulfilled her wish . She smiled and continued to hug Flint tightly . " I love you , Flint , and I always do , " said Ellie emotionally . Flint caressed her hair and touched her fluffy cheeks again . " I love you too , Ellie , and I always do , " replied Flint romantically . They let go off each other . Flint gave Ellie a quick and final smooch and stared into her beautiful eyes once again . It was time for him to leave her . He went up the bridge and had crossed to the other side of the station . He waved at Ellie and Ellie replied him with a swift wave . Suddenly , her mind was playing all of her memories with Flint like videos on YouTube . The time she looked at Flint at the first time they met , the time she put her hand on Flint 's hand in the cafe , the time he hugged her , the time he calmed her down at her house , the time he carried her on his back and much much more . It was absolutely beautiful and the most happiest moment in her life . She had found her one true love . Flint 's train had arrived and he entered the train and sat near the window to look at Ellie for the final time . He put his hand on the window , and Ellie could see his sorrow . She wanted to faint , she wanted to die . She couldn 't live without Flint . But she had to , for Flint and for herself . A minute had passed and the train had moved , inches by inches and finally sped up . Her eyes followed the train , looking at Flint until the train had disappeared from her sight . She dropped a single tear but she couldn 't cry , feeling sad was enough . There was no need to cry . It was not the end , it was more like an ending of an episode . Another episode was awaiting and she hoped that one of them was an episode which she would be meeting Flint again . Flint had gone , but not forever . They would see each other again . They 'd promised . 4 years later , Ellie was 20 and was walking in her 5 - inches heels on the street of New York . She worked there now . She was working as a secretary in a modelling agency . She was on the phone with her boss , asking her about the progress of the new upcoming modelling show in Los Angeles . She had given so many ideas to her boss , and her boss was impressed with her enthusiastic ideas . She then went into a yellow taxi , which was waiting for passenger . " 6th Avenue please ? " said Ellie to the taxi driver . The taxi driver nodded and started driving . " Okay , Mr . Luther . Okay , okay , I 'll see what I can do sir . Okay sir . Good day sir , " said Ellie . She then lay her head on the window , looking outside . Then , she looked into her Gucci handbag and produced a camera . She switched it on and looked at the picture of someone she loved so much . Flint Gordon , 4 years ago . She smiled alone and wished that she would meet him again . Flint was eating his sandwich in Beau goût , a French cafe . He was wearing a hooded jacket and a pair of light blue jeans . His hair was long and a face that hadn 't been shaved for a while . Even though he sounded messy , he was loaded with money . If he wasn 't he wouldn 't be sitting in a French cafe . He looked into his jacket 's pocket and took out a camera . He turned it on and browsed through pictures and finally stared at Ellie 's picture . He smiled and hoped that they would meet again someday . He glanced at his wristwatch and it showed 3pm . " My God ! I 'm late ! " he said . He went to the cashier and paid for his quick lunch . He then waited for a taxi but strangely , there was no taxi in sight . Suddenly , there was a taxi showed up from the corner and was approaching him . " Taxi ! " he summoned . He noticed that there was a lady in the taxi , and he knew that the taxi wouldn 't stop . Unexpectedly , it stopped , and the lady went out from the taxi while looking at her camera . Quickly , he held the door and accidentally knocked the lady 's camera off from her grip . The camera made a snapping sound from the fall . Without looking , he apologized . Ellie was picking up her camera because a guy just knocked it off as soon as she dismounted from the taxi . She examined her camera , worried that it might be busted from the fall . She noticed that the camera accidentally snapped a picture of the guy who had ran into her . At first , she wanted to delete that anonymous picture , but suddenly . . . She recognized the man . She looked for the taxi , but it was no longer in sight . It had disappeared . " Flint . . . " she said slowly . It was Flint . She had bumped into him . So close for them to see each other again . However , she wasn 't feeling worried . They might see each other again . Both of them lived in New York . They will meet again . One day . . . The final battle had begun , it was the moment that they had been waiting for . Unfortunately , they didn 't plan the strategy that much . So they had to do everything that they could to kill the monster . They looked at each other , eagerly , wanting for this final battle to be ended sooner . They couldn 't be possibly waiting even for a minute anymore , they couldn 't waste any time . Now it was the time , to finish the evil . Flint nodded . He ran and hid behind the forklift . There was a sound of footsteps outside . The demon must be on foot before started climbing again and leaping like a frog . They must be ready for this . The footsteps were closing in . They could hear that the footsteps were getting closer , and louder , and finally , stopped in front of the door where they went through before . Ellie was scared to see the demon 's face again . At first , she noticed that she didn 't breathe right . She must calm down and be brave . Like Flint told her in her dream . Wait a minute , Flint ! She remembered that she shouldn 't be afraid . She HAD to be brave . She had nothing to be scared of , knowing that Flint would always be there for her . And now , look at him , risking his own life to kill the demon with her . She shouldn 't be afraid . Not now , and never again . She saw his determination to protect her from anything . That was why , she fell in love with him , her one true love . Remembering that made her fear to be flown away . She was no longer afraid of the demon . The front door creaked , something was going inside . Suddenly , Ellie stood up and walked away from her hiding spot and went in front of the door , just some feet away . " Ellie ! What the hell are you doing ! ? " hissed Flint . Ellie ignored him . She was determined to kill the demon , not wanting to let it live even for a second . She knew that they were lacking of strategy and she knew she was doing something that was plain stupid , but she didn 't care . She wanted it to stop . Flint , her father , and Judith had protected her . Now it was the time for her to protect herself and others . The door was slowly opened , making Ellie feeling so nervous because of the suspense . " Come on , bitch ! Show yourself ! " hissed Ellie . Flint was feeling worried about Ellie and he was confused , wondering what she was doing over there ? Was she trying to kill herself ? Or was she giving up already ? By the look of her face , she wasn 't surrendering . She was being brave and determined to kill the demon . He had to join her . He couldn 't just sit there and let his girlfriend being killed . The door was fully opened , it was dark outside , they didn 't see anything outside , leaving a great suspense in that warehouse . Suddenly , a man showed up with his gun was being drawn , followed by his woman partner . It was Det . Stone and Det . Woods . " See ? See ? ? This is why I go alone with Flint , because we believe that there is something out there chasing us ! But you didn 't ! You didn 't believe even though I told you since Mr . William 's incident ! " Leaving Det . Stone and her daughter to quarrel , Det . Woods went to Flint to examine his status . " Are you okay ? " said Det . Woods . Flint was focusing on their debate but was startled when Det . Woods asked him a question . " The biggest trouble about this is that people don 't believe in us ! They should have seen it by themselves ! But no , they think they are matured enough to believe at something crappy like this just like you did to me ! I was almost murdered by it and now you 're saying that you still don 't believe me ? " explained Ellie . " Ah ! You should appreciate me more ' cause I am now going to stop that demon from murdering innocent people again ! And now you 're saying that I 'm not appreciating what you 're doing to me ? " " Yes ! You don 't ! I 've been investigating about this whole massive carnage and I , myself , don 't believe that it was a wolf which could do all this terrible thing ! " Det . Stone took out some pictures in his jacket " See ? I told you I 'm investigating to save you ! " Ellie observed one of the pictures thoroughly . She seemed interested with the picture . It was a picture of a body in a pub . However , she wasn 't interested with the body , she was interested with what lay next to the body . It was shiny and made from pure steel . It was a necklace , which had emerald letters attached to it . The letters were ' JM ' . She recognized that necklace instantly . She had realized something . She knew instantly who was the human form of the demon . However , she couldn 't believe with what she was seeing and thinking . However , she had to believe it because there was no time of denying . " STONE ! ! " screamed Det . Woods . Det . Stone and Ellie looked at Det . Woods . She seemed amazed by something because her eyes were bulging and her mouth was partially opened . Flint was pulling her hand just to take her away from there . She was pointing outside of the warehouse . And there it was . The demon was standing gallantly outside of the door with its tongue sticking out of its mouth . Det . Stone slowly put his hand on the holster , to take out his gun . He did that slowly just to make sure that he wouldn 't astonish the monster . But the monster had crouched . It was getting ready to leap , maybe would take Det . Stone down first . All four of them started running . The demon was leaping faster than before , its movement made it almost invisible . It was too fast . Ellie knew what she had to do , but she was waiting for the right moment . The monster knocked down Det . Stone , forced him to be thrown on the wall . The monster had spread its claws and leapt toward him . With all the agility and skills , Det . Stone evaded and performed a counter - attack . He had kicked the monster out of his way and the monster was barely moved because its body was harden and heavy . Det . Stone couldn 't believe that his kick couldn 't hurt the monster . If the demon was a human , it would be smiling at him now . The demon used its huge paw to bash Det . Stone on his head , throwing him again into one of the boxes . It was about to finish him but suddenly there was a gun shot . Det . Woods shot the monster at the back of its shoulder . The monster turned around and stared at her . She continued to shoot at the demon which was twice her height and her size . It seemed that the monster couldn 't be weaken by shooting at it . It was approaching Det . Woods with its spreading claws . Suddenly , the monster stopped , glaring at Det . Woods eyes which were filled with fears . Det . Woods couldn 't move at that moment . The only thing she could do was staring at the demon . The demon raised its claw to kill Det . Woods . " Woohoo ! ! Yippekayyay ! " It was Flint . He was driving a forklift with a single hand and was speeding towards the demon . He ran over the demon and slammed the demon into the wall . The demon was stuck and suddenly remained silenced . Flint immediately ran away after he ran over the demon . Det . Woods went to Det . Stone and helped him to get him on his feet . He was kind of dizzy from the hit . Ellie was inside a file room which had so many racks . She walked around to find something that could burn those alcohols in the boxes . Suddenly she heard a cry . A cry for help . " Help ! Help I 'm hurt ! " the voice was coming from behind the rack . She searched for the voice and found Flint was bleeding badly on his stomach . Ellie brought Flint out from the file room and head towards the storage room . She could use alcohols as pain killer for Flint . However as soon as she arrived at the storage room , she was terribly in shock to see Flint was running towards her . " Ellie ! That 's not me ! " yelled Flint from afar . Then who was the one she was holding ? She looked at the other Flint , and that was not Flint at all . It transformed once again into a demon . She dropped it and it was creaking and snapping like it was having a hard time to re - transform into a demon . They climbed on those boxes until they reached the top . She knew what to do . And it was her only chance to kill the demon before the demon undergoes another metamorphosis . She remembered what the article said . Once the demon had grown a pair of wings , it would be too late to kill it . She must hurry before it 's too late . Det . Stone and Det . Woods were waiting for the demon to show up again . This time they had their guns loaded . Maybe it didn 't work before because only Det . Woods was shooting it alone . Now , they wanted to try shooting it together . The demon was searching for Ellie and Flint after finishing its transformation . It cancelled its plan after seeing Det . Stone and Det . Woods were waiting for it . It was coming closer to them . " Now ! " yelled Det . Stone . Both of them started firing and those gun shots had echoed all over the place . However , it seemed that their plan didn 't work . The demon kept on approaching and it couldn 't be weaken by shooting it . " Damn it , Stone ! It didn 't work ! " yelled Det . Woods while shooting . Up ahead , Ellie and Flint was waiting for the right moment for the monster to stand on the right spot . " Dad ! Save a bullet ! I need to use it ! " yelled Ellie from above . Her father nodded . Flint and Ellie looked at each other and nodded to give a signal that it was time to drop off the load . " Push ! " said Flint . They pushed the alcohol boxes from above and hit the monster below . They pushed another boxes which contained stuffed animals and electronic devices and crashed onto the monster once again . They climbed off the boxes and Ellie asked for his father 's gun . " I know what to do dad . And it 's time to finish all of this madness , " said Ellie . Her father gave her his gun , putting Faith on his daughter . Ellie went closer to the rubble , which the demon lay underneath it . Alcohol sprayed and flowed on the floor , stuffed animals all over the place and electronic devices crushed and busted on the floor . Suddenly , the rubble moved , the monster re - appeared and had hurt badly from the damage . It was soaked in alcohol . The demon glared at Ellie angrily , like it was so desperate to kill her . Ellie glared at it too with a vicious expression . She pointed the gun at the demon . She must end this once and for all . " I know who you are . You have deceived me , lied to me , and made my life like hell . I know where did you come from , son of The Unnamed Demon . Now , it 's time for you to go back to Hell , " said Ellie . Suddenly she burst into tears " How could you ! ? I trusted you ! I was there when you had problems ! And as a payment , you make me feel miserable ! ? " The demon was speechless , it didn 't make any roar or growl . Everyone was confused . Ellie could talk nicely to a demon ? It was like she was motivating it . Ellie wiped her tears off of her face . " I 'm so sorry . But I have to do this . For the sake of innocent people . And the ones you had killed . You must pay for what you 've done " Silence , there was nothing to be heard . The demon had stopped from moving and Ellie was shaking and was nervous . " Judith Merriman ! " screamed Ellie at the top of her lung . The demon roared and held its head after hearing its human 's name . So it was Judith ! To think back , it was rational . Judith knew about Mr . William 's death while the other students knew about it a day later . And her body was never found when the demon had entered Ellie 's house . Finally , her necklace was lying next to a dead body in the pub where Ellie and Flint was seeking for help . It was no coincidence . She had pulled the trigger . Once the bullet had hit the demon , flame was engulfing it . Everyone could smell the burning flesh . The demon roared and was struggling to get the fire extinguished . However , there was nothing it could do . It kept on burning until it lay still and died . It was over . It was finally over . Ellie closed her eyes and felt relieved . Flint went to Ellie and hugged her . Ellie cried on his chest and he watched the demon burned . He couldn 't believe that demon was Judith too . But it was too late for denial . All of their hardwork , had finally paid off . Nurse Carson was a male nurse and was checking on a patient 's status at the reception post . He examined it thoroughly and was on his way to the patient 's ward . According to the status , the patient was recovering and didn 't have to stay in the hospital any longer . He was going to announce it to the patient . However when he arrived at ward A - 114 , there was no one there . The bed had been made and it was tidy . " What the hell ? Where is this Flint Gordon ? " . He entered the room to observe it and check if the patient was in the toilet . Tap ! Tap ! Tap ! " Mr . Flint Gordon ? Are you in there ? " said the nurse . There was no answer . The toilet 's door was not locked so he opened it and saw the toilet was still squeaky clean . He felt so strange . There was a cafeteria at the ground level but no one could ever go out from that level without a nurse 's permission and supervision . He was a head nurse on that floor so he should know where the patient 's whereabout . " Nurse Carson , " a voice startled him from behind . He turned around and saw a girl with brown hair and green eyes . She had a bandage on her head and both of her palms . She was looking at him blankly . " Oh ! Ellie Stone ! Um ? Do you know where Flint Gordon is ? Your friend ? " said Nurse Carson . " He must be wandering around , finding some fresh air " " But he needs to tell me first . If not I 'll be dead ! " said Nurse Carson . " That 's okay . Flint wont leave me alone , " said Ellie while closing the ward 's door . Nurse Carson was confused to see Ellie 's act . Was it necessarily to close the door ? " Um ? Why are you closing the door ? " he asked . Ellie was closing in while strutting seductively towards Nurse Carson . " Oh , nothing important . Just want have a private time with you , " said Ellie while getting her hand into Nurse Carson 's uniform , touching his bare chest . " What are you doing ? " asked Nurse Carson nervously . " Nothing . I 'm just wanna smell your perfume , " replied Ellie flirtatiously while digging her nose into Nurse Carson 's neck . Nurse Carson felt the warmth of Ellie 's breath . The he realized he couldn 't go on with a patient . That would make him living on a street with a bowl in his hands . So he grabbed Ellie 's hand and tossed it away from his chest . " Look you can 't do this . I have something important to do . Now tell me again , where is Flint Gordon ? " said Nurse Carson angrily . " Aww . Nurse Carson doesn 't want to play with me ? That 's too bad " " You 're wasting my time . I 'll search for him by myself " He was approaching the door and was about to leave the ward . Suddenly , he felt that he was bound to something . Something was Detective Stone and Detective Woods were in the car , on their way to the hospital . Det . Stone was holding a bag of Big Macs and French fries to give to Ellie and Flint in the hospital . Ellie loved Big Mac since she was little . Det . Stone remembered when Ellie cried because a dog stole her Big Mac and he had to buy another one for her . That was when Ellie was at age 7 . " Harold ? Is there something on your mind ? " asked Det . Woods . " Oh , nothing . I just remembered that Ellie cried to me just because a dog stole her sandwich . She was 7 , " said Det . Stone . " Look at her now . Grown up and beautiful . You 've done a great job raising her without Sherry , Harold . You 're a great father " " She looks a lot like Sherry , Olivia . When I look at her face . . . I don 't know . I think I 'm looking at Sherry and I don 't want to lose her . Never " " Don 't worry Harold . We 'll take care of her okay ? " " Yeah , we better do . Oh God now I 'm hating the chief . How could he ? " " Don 't worry about him . We 'll take care of him . After all , we 've been a great team since you and Sherry were dating back in the 90 's . Such a . . . " she stopped as soon as she saw 2 police cars in front of the hospital and some of the men were wearing FBI jackets . " FBI ? What the hell ? " said Det . Woods . As soon as Det . Woods and Det . Stone arrived at the parking , they went out from the car and walked towards the FBI to ask why they were there . " I 'm Detective Stone and this is Detective Woods . What the hell happened here ? " said Det . Stone while flashing his card . " I 'm not quite sure . They said one of the nurse has been killed in a ward . His neck was twisted . And there is a report saying that 2 of the patients had escaped from the hospital , " said one of the FBI . " What ! ? Where is the location that the body was found ? " " In ward A - 114 . We believe that the patient killed the nurse to escape . They had escaped by a 1994 Honda Civic which had been reported missing " " Ward A - 114 ! ? " That was where Flint was treated ! And next to it was A - 113 , Ellie 's ward ! Det . Stone and Det . Woods rushed into the hospital and went to the reception post and met a nurse . " Det . Stone and Det . Woods . Can you show us the visual of the patients who had escaped ? " said Det . Stone . " Yes , sure . Here you go , " said the nurse kindly . Det . Stone observed the visual which showing the parking lot and he saw a 1994 Honda Civic was parked near the bushes . A minute after that , Ellie and Flint showed up on the screen . That was their biggest mistake ever . They forgot about the CCTV . " Oh Ellie . What have you done ? " Ellie and Flint had just got out from the library and was on their way back to the Midnight Light Motel to get the car to run away again . They were discussing the plan to get the monster killed but somehow none of it was making a sense . The only problem was , they didn 't know who was the demon 's child . If they could get the name , it 'd be easier . To burn the demon it would be so difficult because the demon was so agile . They could be killed before burning the demon . So they had to get the name to slow it down and burn it afterwards . They walked next to the electronic shop where TVs were displayed behind the glass . Suddenly , Ellie noticed that the TV was broadcasting a news . " Flint , wait , " said Ellie . " What is it ? " asked Flint . . . . two of the McKinley Hospital patients have killed a nurse and escaped from the building . It is believed that they have escaped by using a 1994 Honda Civic . They are Ellie Stone and Flint Gordon , which are also the students of McKinley High . They were also spotted when their headmaster , Doug William had been killed brutally that evening . . . " Oh my God , Flint ! That 's us ! We didn 't kill that nurse ! ? " exclaimed Ellie . " We didn 't ! The demon did ! It had tracked us down ! That 's great ! " said Flint in excitement . " What do you mean by ' great ' ! ? We are in the most wanted list right now ! " " No ! That will make our job easy now ! But we must make a plan . That demon is coming to us now . In any time it will appear again . We must get ready for the final battle Ellie ! It 's our final hope to save all the people in this town ! " explained Flint . " But . . . " " There 's no ' but ' Ellie . We almost there ! Whether kill or be killed . But we have to go on foot by now . They have known about the car . The article said that the demon loves to live in a jungle . Do you know a jungle nearby here ? " " Yes I do and I think I know where is the demon 's nest is . There is an abandoned warehouse in that jungle . If it is not , then it is okay . The demon will soon track us and find us . That will give us time to make a plan to kill it " " Great ! ShIt was already night and Ellie was so hungry and tired from walking . She knew that they couldn 't arrive in time if they walked . They need a transport . Ellie was squeezing her stomach with her hand . Flint was hungry too but he didn 't show it in front of Ellie . He was shy . Both of them were exhausted but they couldn 't waste a minute because they knew if they were a minute late , it 'll be over for them and the citizens of McKinley . They had to get going . " Flint , I 'm hungry . I 've never been this starving before . My stomach hurts , " said Ellie . " Hold on Ellie . I 'm hungry too , " persuaded Flint while putting his hand around Ellie . They kept on walking , exhaustedly . They couldn 't do anything about it . They were in the middle of nowhere . However , they could see a jungle not from there . They just need to walk a little bit more , and probably hold on a little longer . Flint didn 't know what to do . He couldn 't let Ellie in pain . He felt sorry for her . She had gone through a lot of things . Just like him . He had an idea but he must withstand his pain . " You don 't have to worry . I don 't feel pain anymore . Not with you . Come on ! Hop on ! It 'll be fun , Ellie ! " Ellie was worried about his hand . But seeing him offering her to hop on his back was kind of sweet , she thought . For her , Flint was her true love , sacrificing himself for her happiness . " O . . . Okay . " She climbed on his back and he continued to walk . " I can only hold your left leg ' cause , you know ? My other hand is busted . Haha ! " he said while laughing . Ellie smiled when she heard that Flint was laughing . He had a funny laugh . Ellie put her head on Flint 's shoulder and whispered to him " Thank you Flint " . Flint was so happy to hear that . At least that was what he could do to help Ellie at the moment . " Anything for you , " said Flint . Ellie fell asleep on his shoulder . " Ellie ? " whispered Flint . Ellie didn 't answer as she were already asleep . Flint knew that she was exhausted . He smiled and whispered " Sleep well Ellie . " He could feel her heart beat from his back . Slow and steady . He thanked to God that He had introduced him to Ellie . He remembered when he was asking her out , then Ellie held his hand , when they almost kissed at Ellie 's house . It was a remarkable moment . He stared into the jungle . Dark and scary . There was a road in the jungle . It must be leading to the warehouse , just like Ellie told him . He went into the jungle , not knowing the danger that was awaiting him in there . He could hear the sound of an owl and crickets . It was pitch dark , the only thing that shone in the darkness was moonlight and fireflies . So he could see the road , but it was unclear . He could see a huge figure ahead of him , a building . Must be the warehouse . He kept on walking but slowly because he afraid that Ellie might be slipping off of him . However , it was a little too late to be worried . She had already awaken . Flint bowed down and Ellie dismounted from his back and repaired the crumples on her shirt . They continued to walk towards the warehouse . It was not far . Just a couple of steps left . It was huge . They stared at the warehouse for a minute . Not knowing what should they do now . Ellie tried to open the warehouse 's door but it was locked from inside . Flint assumed that the door must be rusty . So maybe he could help with the door . " Ellie , stay back , " said Flint . Then , he kicked on the door and the banging sound echoed through the forest . He kicked it continuously and the door produced a cracking sound . Suddenly , it was widely opened with a bang as the door hit the wall . Dust rained down on the floor and the warehouse was pitch dark . They couldn 't see anything in there . So how they could find a switch to switch on the light ? " Should we get in ? " said Ellie . Should they ? Flint looked around for power box and he saw one on the right . " Ellie ! Follow me , " said Flint . He went to the power box and opened it . There was a lever inside the box . He assumed that the lever was for the light . He lowered down the lever and he was right . The warehouse seemed to be alive and roaring for power . The light had shone the darkness inside the warehouse . " It worked ! " said Ellie . " Lets go inside , " she continued . Inside was huger than they thought , but filled with boxes and barrels . They went inside and observe the place thoroughly . The boxes are 10 years older than them , containing alcohol bottle and toys and electronic devices which were very old . She was wondering , how could the power can be turned on when the place was much older than they thought ? It must be the power saver , she thought . Suddenly , they heard a roar outside . But it sounded different than before . It was coming from outside the jungle , the road which they had gone through before entering the jungle . They were awaiting for the monster to enter the warehouse , praying to God that He would give them strength to fight this demon . They were scared but they must withstand it . It was up to them now . The fate of mankind is in their hands . Detective Stone was back from the hospital . However , he couldn 't his mind off of Ellie . He was still worried . Why did she traveled all the way to the forest with Flint ? Whose bike did Flint ride with Ellie ? And who did break into the house from the window of his kitchen ? He had a lot of work to do now , searching for the answers . Meanwhile , he was being haunted by mysteries . " Detective Stone ! " called a voice from an office . Det . Stone responded immediately . " Yes Detective Woods ? " said Det . Stone . " I need you to step into my office after this . The sooner the better " " Priority level ? " It 's about your daughter " Det . Woods was a female detective . Blonde and skinny . Det . Stone went into Det . Woods 's office . It was small but quite comfortable . However , Det . Stone wanted to know what she was going to tell him about Ellie . He was curious , and worried . " What is it Det . Woods ? " said Det . Stone . " Det . Stone , I am very , truly sorry about what happened to Ellie but right now we can 't deny the fact that she might be one of our suspect , " explained Det . Woods . Suspect ? Ellie was a suspect in this chaotic incident ? How could that be ? " A suspect ? What do you mean by ' a suspect ' ? " asked Det . Stone . " We believe that Ellie has something to do with these homicides , " said Det . Woods while handing over several pictures to Det . Stone . Det . Stone browsed those pictures carefully . Garrett , Mr . William and some bikers were brutally killed in that pictures . How could Ellie kill all these people ? She couldn 't have the strength to rip off flesh with her own hands ! " This is preposterous . My daughter wouldn 't do such a horrible thing ! " exclaimed Det . Stone . " I know and I know Ellie and I know she wouldn 't do such thing . But right now , we must investigate . Prove it to the chief that she has nothing to do with this " " Det . Woods , I invited you over to celebrate Ellie 's every birthday ! And I invited you to see her talent show in her school ! And you gave her your $ 400 Rolex wristwatch on her 14th Christmas and she is still wearing it ! How could NOT you prove it to the chief yourself ! ? " yelled Det . Stone while slamming Det . Woods 's table . " Det . Stone . . . Harold . . . I understand how are you feeling right now . And I know and know it VERY well that Ellie is innocent . But right now , order is an order . We must do as the chief asks us to do before he throws us on the street . Okay ? Just calm down and we 'll go through this " coaxed Det . Woods . Det . Ellie was feeding porridge to Flint since Flint 's right arm was currently ' unavailable ' . She wiped off the remaining porridge on Flint 's lips with her bare fingers . It seemed like Flint was thinking about something . He was eating slowly . " Flint ? Is there something wrong ? " said Ellie . However , Flint just shook his head . She knew that something was wrong . Ellie continued to feed Flint . She found it cute when she fed Flint and wiped Flint 's mouth . " Ellie ? " Flint finally spoke . " Yes Flint ? " " What did you mean by ' saying its name will weaken the demon ' ? " Ellie remembered that line when she was in her dream world . Was she the one who told Flint that ? All she remembered that Flint was the one who told her . " What do you mean ? " asked Ellie . " Before I woke up , I had a dream , where I saw you . You said ' saying its name will weaken the demon ' . Did I say it wrong ? " " Flint . . . Where were you in that dream ? " In a flower garden " Ellie remembered the garden when Flint told her something about a demon . Was it a clue ? That was it ? By saying its name would defeat the monster ? She remembered that she saw Flint 's past . She wondered if Flint saw hers too . " Did you remember anything else ? Like my past life ? " asked Ellie eagerly . " I saw your mother " " My mother ? " " She fought with Death for you . I saw her in the labour room , fighting so hard for you . She died when you 've made it , if I 'm not mistaken " It was true . Her mother had sacrificed her life for Ellie . Ellie looked down . She was missing her mother . However , she thought that that wasn 't important . Right now she had to ask him what did she say in his dream world . " Forget about that Flint . Do you remember what I said in your dream ? " said Ellie . " You told me not to be scared because you 'll always be with me and you 'll fight with the monster with me until the end . And you told me that by saying the monster 's name will weaken it , " said Flint . " Flint , I had the same dream . You told me that too . I think it is a clue on how to defeat the monster " Flint wasn 't sure if he was following but hThey walked out of the hospital and headed towards the parking lot . They were sneaking out and Ellie didn 't feel freaked out or scared . But Flint ? " Ellie are you out of your mind ? They 'll be contacting the police to search for us ! " He didn 't feel the same way . Ellie ignored him and continued walking and search for the right car . " Cover me , Flint ! " commanded Ellie . She approached a 1994 Honda Civic and tried to infiltrate the car using her hair clips . " Are you crazy ! ? The police will bust us after this ! " exclaimed Flint . Ellie was kind of annoyed but she had to be patient when she was doing something . " Ellie ! " said Flint . " Flint ! Can you at least be a little bit calmer ? So I can do my job here ? " explained Ellie . Flint gave up . He had no idea what Ellie was going to do . " There ! Get in Flint ! " commanded Ellie . Flint did what she asked him to do . In the car , by using the hair clips , she wanted to get the car fired up . " Ellie , I 'm not feeling good about this , " said Flint . " Well I 'm not feeling too but what choice do we have ? " " Uh ? I dunno ? Tell your dad about the monster and try to finish it all together ? " said Flint sarcastically . " Oh yeah ! Like he 's going to believe us anyway . People don 't trust us , Flint . If we say something that makes them think ' It 's a bullshit ' , they 'll assume that we are on drugs or weeds or pots , since we are teenagers . If we 're going to end this , we have to do it in our way , or get locked up in that hospital , doing nothing until that monster comes to us and rips our guts off . Do you want that to happen ? No , ' cause I don 't . Now if you excuse me , I want to get this car on , " explained Ellie . Flint once again gave up . She was right though . Before the police get them locked up inside the ward just for an observation . They have been involved in a massacre in the pub so the police will get them first . The car roared . Ellie had made it ! She felt so relieved that the car had started . " How in the world you did that , Ellie ? Have you ever done this before ? " asked Flint . " No . I watched it on TV so I gave it a shot " " You gave it a shot ? " Ellie smiled , satisfied that she was bailing out from the hospital . She didn 't want anyone to be the victim anymore . She wanted it to stop . In the city , she was finding a hidden place to hide the car before someone reported it missing . A motel could be a great place to hide this old machine . " Where are we going ? " asked Flint . " I 'm searching for a place to hide this car . Then , we 'll get something nicer to wear . Then , we 'll search for a local cyber cafe to find out more about this demon " Then , she saw a motel ' Midnight Light ' to park the car and probably steal some clothes to wear . Her luck was on her side . She saw some clothes hanging on a piece of thick rope . Boy that place had no class at all ! After getting changed , they went to the street to search for the cyber cafe . Instead of wearing a light blue shirt , Flint was wearing a Paramore T - Shirt and Ellie was wearing a Mickey Mouse buttoned up shirt . They were walking on a street which had stores next to it . The street was not crowded . There were people who looked at them in weird ways . I mean , they had bandages on their heads and Flint had a sling on his right arm . The street had so many shops . But none of them was a cyber cafe . There was a bakery , boutiques , cafes , and a public library . Wait . A library ! They could use a PC there . " There 's no cyber cafe but we can use a PC in this library . They 're free too , " explained Ellie . " Come on , let 's go before someone is suspecting us , " said Flint . They entered the public library and it wasn 't as huge as Flint thought . It was very similar with the school library . They sat in front of the PC and opened a browser to search for the information about the demon . " Right , here we are . What should I type ? " said Ellie . " Try ' demons ' , " said Flint . Ellie typed the word ' demons ' but nothing useful came out . It just said ' demons are a malevolent creature to corrupt a human 's Faith towards God ' . That was it . Nothing more . " This is useless , Flint . There are many types of demons which have different names . We can 't find it if there are thousands of demons out there , " said Ellie . " Don 't give up ! We have come this far ! We almost reach the end . Try demon + long tongue + flesh eater + yellow eyes , " She found that useless , of what Flint had suggested her to do . But she tried it just to make Flint felt satisfy and appreciated . However she was wrong . There was a hit of the search . The Unnamed Demon . She clicked on the link and started to read the information . There lies a demon without a name , hunting for the truth , a name that could differ it from others . Six wings of evil , and yellow eyes to deceive human beings , four arms that let it crawls , a long tongue to feed on flesh , and thirsty for dear blood . That was what it said on the page . TheThere was a picture below the article and it absolutely looked like the one that had been chasing them before . Ellie and Flint felt so satisfied . Finally , they had found what they were looking for . They looked at each other and smiled . At last , they knew how to weaken the demon and how to kill that demon . Now , they need a plan . A plan to end this once and for all . " Ellie , we have found it " said Flint . " Yes . Yes , we almost there . We can stop it Flint . We can stop it , I know we can . But we must hurry before it 's too late " " We need a lot of fire . Lots of , lots of fire ! " " We can beat this ! We can kill it ! We 'll save a lot of people in this town ! " They were so rejuvenated when they knew they could kill it . But they must be hurry before it would be too late . It was a race against time . Will they make it ? Will they survive ? Will the town be safe from the demon ? Hopefully they will save the town . They must make a strategy for the final battle . A final battle between Humans and A Demon 's Child . - TO BE CONTINUED -
|
wow . . its amazing how quickly the kitties can turn a few piles of papers and a stack of crafting supplies into a huge mess . We were out of the house most of the weekend . . and right now the living room is absolutely trashed . The stack of papers and coupons from the Sunday newspaper are all over the living room , along with a few other items that were at one point neatly stacked in an out of the way spot . Boy did they have fun . well . . We made the trip to the vets yesterday . . Was an interesting time , that 's for certain . I brought the carriers up early , jack ran right in one and sat down . . that boy loves to travel . I then got out the treats to ensure that Em and Ollie didn 't run away . I think they knew something was coming , but the treat is a powerful thing , so they continued to hang out on the bed . When the hubby came home , they were still there , and he was amazed . I took Em , and he took Ollie , who made a mad dash for it , but we caught him ( ha ha ha ) When Em saw the carriers she started to whine . The hubby stuffed Ollie in his carrier , then had to grab him again as Ol made a mad dash to get out . Getting him in wasn 't nearly as hard as shutting the door . Ollie kept sticking his paws out the side , so we 'd have to push them back in or risk pinching them . Em wasn 't too keen to get in hers either , but at least once she was in she just sat there mewing pathetically . Jack was once again in his carrier . I went for Eli , who was fine till I went to pick him up , then he jumped ( like when you startle someone ) and tried to get away . I was too quick for him though * grin * and we put him in the larger carrier with Jack . Then had to track down muffin . . which was easier than I thought it would be . Getting her in the carrier with jack and eli though wasn 't a pretty site , cause eli wanted to get out . But we eventually got them all in and we were off . And of course Em was howling the whole way down there . We found that if we don 't talk during the car ride she stops crying . I guess she thinks we aren 't there ? No . . cause last time she could see me the whole way . The vet visit was pretty uneventful . Everyone looks good . The doc did a swab on eli 's ear . . pulled out a huge gob of gunk . * sigh * She thinks its still just getting clean from the bad case of ear mites though . I 'm going to clean them often and if they don 't clear up I 'll take him back and discuss other options . I woke up a little early this morning . Immediately had muffin there wanting some attention . Then Jack . Then Em , then Ollie . Was 9 am before I got out of bed . . . when I did I found that they had found the bag of feathers again . grrr . . man those kitties are determined . I 've decided today I 'm going to find all of their kitty balls . or at least as many as possible . They are amazing when it comes to hiding things . There are at least 15 jingly balls and 6 ping pong balls in this house somewhere . I am not a big surprised though . this group of kitties hid balls in my tiny - no closet - kitten room , that i have STILL not found . well I fixed the cat toy I made the other day . If I could figure out how to make the string stick to the stick with out using a huge gob of hot glue , I could actually sell these things . Jack still LOVES it . He 's such a great cat toy tester . : ) I also made another toy . . the other half of the stick , some stretchy bead cording , a big green pom pom , and some hot glue . That one wasn 't as big of a hit as the feather toy . . maybe I should stick a few feathers on it . Poor ollie . He 's trying so hard , but he 's just not getting it . The kittens and I were playing in the kitchen . . he wanted to play too , so I occasionally ran the toy in front of him . he would go after it . . which was a great sign that he 's trying . . but when it would eventually get away , another kitty would go after it . then if that kitty got to close to ollie , ollie would hiss and swat at the kitty that encroached on his territory . * sigh * Well if that 's the type of kitty he is , that 's the type of kitty he is . . will keep working on him for a while , but I might just have to accept the fact that he 's not into sharing . well I left the kitty toy making supplies on the floor last night . . stupid connie . Now there are feathers all over the place . . : ) I woke up this morning as the hubby was leaving for work , and I realized I had most of the kitties in bed with me . I eventually got up and came out here , and poof , now they are all out here with me . They are scattered about the room , but they are here . They are like this pretty much every day . I love that they are so people orientated . Man I make good kittens . : ) What 's my secret ? Acclimating them to the things while they are young . spending lots of time holding them and cuddling them . touching them on areas that most cats don 't like when they are older , paws , tummies . Extend their claws when patting them . . get them used to things they will have to endure for the rest of their life so that its just second nature to them . I really need to get that FAQ up and running . I started one , but I really didn 't like the format . I feel so helpless when I view my stats for this page , and see people looking for answers to questions they have about their little ones . What kinds of foods do they like , questions about snotty noses , what to do when they aren 't eating . . I should also redo my foster kitten webpage . . a lot of the photos are way too big , and the bandwidth is exceeded if you try to view all the images in one go round . . I 'm considering getting my own domain and host for that as well . Everyone loves kitten pictures ( okay well not everyone , but we just aren 't going to go there today ) I wrapped the lacing around the dowel , used the beads as a handle , and attached some feathers to the end of the lacing . . Jack IMMEDIATELY laid claim to the thing , and let everyone know in no uncertain terms that it was HIS ( Hiss spit hiss . . grab and run ) He 's leaping after it with absolutely no concern for his own safety , ( as the back flip into the cupboards will attest ) When I had to repair the feathers , he was almost distraught that I took it away . . I finally had to put it away , cause frankly I was laughing way too hard . . Can 't wait till the hubby comes home so I can show him what I did today . . * giggle * went to the movies tonight . on the ride home I saw something lying on the side of the road that very much looked like a cat . I tried to convince myself it wasn 't . It reminded me of the time the hubby and I were traveling through NH , and we rounded a corner of a three lane road , and saw a cat in the middle of the road . I made him stop , turn around , and go back so I could pull it out of the middle of the road . It was beyond dead , but I couldn 't stand the thought of leaving it there so some idiot could see it there , and aim for it cause he would think it would be cool ( yes . . there are people who do that ) I felt unbelievably foolish doing it , but Im sure the owners of the cat would be grateful if they knew . and yes . . I cried the whole time . . Also reminded me of the statistic that an outdoor cat has an average lifespan of about two years . Someone once said that their outdoor cat lived till 20 . I wanted to jump up and down and tell them how lucky they were that he did . its not an AVERAGE life span for nothing . I lost my first cat Tigger at age 8 . As much as I tried to make that boy an indoor only cat , he wasn 't having anything to do with that . He was on the feral side of life when we adopted him from the local humane society . I had a devil of a time taking care of him and patting him because he had a very hard time trusting people . The one thing I had going for me was when you patted his chin he 'd go catatonic with happiness . : ) as time passed , he 'd get closer and closer to us . He loved playing games like chase the stick and tag . ( yes . . he actually played tag ) He used to sleep under the covers in the small of my back . That kitty had personality to spare . Sadly he just didn 't come home one day . It was a few months after we moved into the house we built out in the middle of nowhere . He had lived his whole live " in the city " ( not much here in maine you can call a real city . . but his biggest problems were cars and dogs ) . Guess the wildlife out here was just too much for him . My sister recently lost her outdoor cat as well . by I was laying in bed this morning , being lazy cause I knew the news only had info on the war , and that charmed was one I had recently seen . Muffin decided to attack my eyeglasses that were on the top of the bed . * rolls eyes * Somehow the TV ended up on AMC , and I started watching the original Dragnet movie . I LOVE the original dragnet . Anyway . . being a lazy morning , it wasn 't long before all the kitties were in the bed . I was in Connie Heaven . : ) After Dragnet was the original Dr . Dolittle - from 1967 where they set out in search of the pink sea snail . I thought it was quite appropriate . At some point in the morning there was a test of the emergency broadcast system , which totally freaked the cats out . They all stood up and looked at the TV with a look that could kill . It was a riot . Eli 's ears got dirty over the weekend . * big sigh * Oh well . Im sure the vet can figure out what 's going on . . Im not going to clean them again till we go in . . . * looks at calendar * Hum . I thought we were going in on a Friday , which was the 24th , but the 24th is a Monday . I 'll have to check on that . Wow . . has it been five weeks already ? I was cleaning the kitchen this afternoon . Found a can of catfood in the fridge . I decided to warm it up and offer it to Ollie . Only thing is I KNEW that if I just gave it to him that the kittens would be all over it and stress him out . So I took him and the food and put both in the bathroom . I went in after five minutes , and he was cowering in the corner and the food was untouched . In the past , I have locked Ollie in the bathroom when he 's lashed out . . . I didn 't even consider that . It must have totally freaked him out to be quietly sleeping on the bed then being thrown in a place of punishment . I sat with him for 10 minutes patting him and cooing at him . He started purring , but he still wouldn 't touch the food . So I took him and the food out , and locked the kittens in the bathroom . He still didn 't touch it . Well he might have . I didn 't watch . But Em was up and about so Im sure she had a bit too . I tried offering it to him again , even had the hubby offer it to him later . after about half an hour I decided I 'd let the kittens out of the bathroom , and as promised , muffin dove right into it , wouldn 't move her head so anyone else could get a nibble . I pulled her away , and jack dove in , not letting eli have a nibble . So I grabbed a paper plate and divvied it up . . some of it got on the floor . . . but in just a few moments there wasn 't a trace of that food anywhere . Licked kitty clean . Ollie is currently sitting on my lap and slamming his tail into my side . I think he 's cheezed that Im not paying more attention to him and continuing to blog . I want him to know that the world isn 't going to revolve with out him , but not that it revolves around him . . its a very fine line . . I forgot to mention that Muffin has an almost ' wet dog ' smell when she 's all wet . I used a nice kitty shampoo on her due to the oil , but she still had this odor about her when she was wet . Fortunately when she was dry she smelled all sweet and floraly . I wonder if I will EVER figure out why she smells like that . Eli 's ears are clear * does happy dance * Its about freakin time . Im so glad it wasn 't anything else . I did another major cleaning on friday . I got scratched a little , cause I didn 't have him in a very good position when I put the cleaning fluid in his ear . I should have known , but he had been so good every time I cleaned his ears , I wasn 't thinking . It was a very minor scratch , its almost gone now . His ears were mostly clean by friday , and I only got a few pieces of gunk out . Saturday I peeked in cause the day after the first cleaning lots of junk worked its way out . Saturday they were still mostly clean . Only two q - tips per ear . originally I could have used 10 per ear and they would still be dirty . . . ok maybe not 10 , but a lot . I peeked in them yesterday and they were fine , and Monday they were clean . I was almost surprised . I have been fighting this for so long . Still fighting his eye though . That and his nose gets gunk on it . its easy to take off the bottom of his nostril , but when it gets on the top , its so hard to get off , that often I just leave it . Jack is being all cuddly tonight . He came over to me to get some lovin . He 's now over bugging my hubby for some . I do love that cat I 'm working on Ollie . Trying to get him to not be so tense . We had play time the other morning , he was actually going after the feathers . I think he 's adjusting nicely . He 's still a little sensitive when it comes to his personal space . . . we will have to work on that . ( jack is back . * cuddles jack * ) He actually came and had some good quality time with me last night , then went and sat on daddy while he slept for about an hour till muffin came in . she has NO respect for personal space Emmy made her way into the sun room tonight . There was still a little heat out there after the sun went down , so we ate dinner out there . That was a big hit with everyone . Jack even sat on the fake fireplace . It was odd to see him on a fire place that looked so real . Made me glad we decided to get that one though , knowing that someone would have ended up with blisters or a burnt tail if we had gotten a real one . When we were done eating I decided it was getting a bit too cold so we went in . Everyone else had pretty much wandered back into the house except Em . I called her into the house , but she looked at me like I was metal . So I shut the door on her . She didn 't care . I opened the door back up and told her it was time for bed . She came back in . : ) Friday was yet another teeth cleaning / combing day day . It went relatively easy . Ollie didn 't even try to bite me , and I was able to comb him a little . I didn 't get into it too much , didn 't want to traumatize him . I was very surprised . Friday night we went to the local cat show . It was fun seeing all the different breeds of cats . One cage had a sliding door . Either the owner had left it open , or someone opened it , cause when we came around the corner I saw a kitten looking out the open door . I looked around for an owner , and there was no one to be found . I stood there and watched him for a minute , and he made a move to get out . So I walked up to the cage . . he backed into it , so I reached out and slid the door shut . I felt a little odd doing it , knowing I shouldn 't be touching the cage . . but I figured they would rather me touch the cage than have to track down their kitty in the building . We walked around a bit more . I kept looking for an owner to that cage but no one ever showed up . . it was rather weird . We went shopping at some of the merchants at the show . I was shocked at how they price gouge . The pair of socks I bought for $ 2 . 00 they were selling for $ 8 . A pair of flannel pj 's were 50 $ . a simple dress was 90 . Some plates I saw at the local Christmas tree shop for a dollar a piece were being sold for 8 - 9 $ . It was insane . I saw a bunch of cute cat toys though . Even a stretchy collar with a large pink satin bow on it . I almost bought it , but it was 9 $ and the bow was kinda big for muffin . We did get two pole toys . . one with a sparkly ball attached to some fishing line , and another with large feathers on the end . Those were a big hit . We also bought a small cat nip bag with feathers on the end , but some how that got lost between the show , the trip to the restaurant eggspectations ( VERY good btw ) , and home . Hubby ran out to get another this morning . . Eli loved it . This afternoon , the hubby decided to give me a massage . I store all my stress in my lower back , and it gets quite painful sometimes . He broke out the massage oil , which of course totally interested the kittens . Muffin wouldn 't stop licking me . So to prevent her from ingesting the oils , he picked her up with his oily hands and threw her on the floor ( several times . . she is obsessive ) . Which of course coated her in oil . Which of course lead to a a bath for muffin . I was very worried as she does NOT like water . well unless she 's licking it out of my water bottle . I got a big bucket and filled it completely with water . Grabbed her by the scuff of her neck and under her behind and dropped her in . and she balked big time . When I put her on the bath tub floor for washing , she hasn 't even gotten her back wet . I haven 't had a cat that acted that badly to getting a bath , and that includes Tigger , my first cat who was almost feral when we got him ( and who shredded me when I 'd clip his claws ) We were very fortunate though , I still have all my fingers . . and surprisingly she didn 't try to bite or scratch me . . just was desperate to get out of there . I dunked her back in the tub after I scrubbed her with some soap . It wasn 't all that helpful , so I used a bowl to pour some water over her . eventually I put her back in the tub and talked to her till she stopped bucking . She was still very unhappy , but at least we got all the soap off . seems Im in excess of muffin stories . . : ) Last night I was having a bottle of water . Muffin decided she needed to have it . . she kept pushing her nose against the top of the bottle . I finally offered it to her , and she started trying to push her way into the bottle . I started tipping the bottle to get the water near the opening . . with only a few drops spilt , she was actually able drink from the bottle of water . muffin is back to playing fetch . She wanted some lovin , but it was exercise time for me , so I gave her a little , then went off to exercise . I have a step , and I do my modified version of step aerobics . She went off to find one of her little pompoms . She loves those things . Well she brought it to play near where I was . I was worried about her getting under foot , so I took the pompom and threw it down the hall . She immediately went after it . Of course she brought it back . so I threw it again . . and yup . . she brought it back again . . : ) She had a hard time finding it a couple of times cause she chose a ball that is the same color as the rug . . lol . . she 's off sticking the ball in hard to get out places to work at getting it out . . man she 's cute . Did a little spring cleaning this weekend . . there is a hutch in my kitchen that 90 % of the small cat toys end up under . I got a yard stick and tried to get them out , and of course it became a major game . . every time I got something close to the edge someone would go after it and push it back in . * rolls eyes * . I also found a Snapple cap under there with a Snapple fact in it that said " cats have over one hundred vocal sounds " . I just thought that was cute . Today was a major day in the lives of the kitties . Ear cleanings , nail trimmings , combings and yes . . teeth cleaning . It started out with Eli . His ears were a little less dirty than they had been recently , so I got out the flush that I got when we acquired ollie ( he had a major mite and flea problem ) One ear went okay , got some gobs out from the inner ear . But then the sun room people stopped by ( cause the frost has shifted the room and now the doors don 't shut right ) and that was the end of the cooperation from Eli . Made doing the other ear a bit more difficult . but with some cooing and some promises of treats , we got through the second ear , and of course he shook his head before I could get the towel over his head so I ended up with ear flush and gobs of black goop on me . Silly kitty . I 'll probably flush his ears one more time toward the end of the week , then see what happens . if it continues to get dirty , then I 'm going to assume its something other than the end of a bad case of mites . Since I had the treats out , I found all my teeth cleaning supplies . The little ones took to it okay . it wasn 't their favorite activity , but they didn 't run away once I let them go . The power of the treat is an amazing thing . Ollie HATED it . he bit me a couple of times . . at least the ' brush ' prevented it from hurting . I also think he wasn 't all that interested in hurting me , just getting my finger out of his mouth . Em was the worst . Her teeth are the worst . . but considering she is 12 years old . . . they aren 't that bad . But her gums did bleed . she wasn 't too happy about it . I can 't blame her . I 'm sure after a few weeks it will be much easier . Did some combing as well . Em went rather easily compared to last week . Ollie will never get used to it . so I decided to use a small comb on him , and got a nice pile out of him . One of these days he has GOT to realize that its good to be combed . Has to be better than hairballs . Although I wouldn 't be totally shocked to find out he knows that now , I think its more of a not wanting to be restraineI have totally been forgiven for all the horror * smirk * Behold . . the power of the kitty treat . Got a new collar for Em . She would constantly break out of the safty collar that I had gotten her when she scratched her neck , so I got her one that buckles . Muffin decided that she needed some attention way too early this morning . Man that cat has some determination . I threw her off the bed like 10 times . . ok . . more like 20 . She 'd just jump back up and start licking what ever part of my skin that was exposed . Its just so hard to get mad at her . . even if she is waking you up , cause she just rolls over on to her back and looks ever so cute and adorable . Eli 's ears are still dirty . When we were at the vet , he was treated for ear mites . Kodi was tested and they found a mite in his ear , so with the way the dirt in his ears looked and that bit of history , I was pretty sure we were on the money . But Im guessing that we were wrong now . The treatement stuff is quite effective with one dose . and thursday morning I cleaned his ears till they sparkled . Thursday night he had huge gobs of goo in them again . Same with friday . At first I was thinking it was just stuff coming loose from further down in his ear ( cause I only clean the outer ear ) but now Im thinking that he 's still producing it . The vet said it might be a yeast infection . ( didn 't know kitties could get those ) . Eli hates it when Im physically cleaning his ears . . mostly cause Im having to hold him down when I do it , but I get the distinct impression that he is ever so glad to have his ears cleaned . I bought muffin a new collar . See the bell ? well that bell has gone bye bye ! Last night she once again decided to sleep on top of my head and jingle the bell right in my ear . VERY annoying . I was very slow to wake up this morning , and in so had both muffin and jack looking for some attention . It was really sweet . . . but do you know how hard it is to change the channel when there is a kitty sleeping on your remote , and another sleeping on you ? So instead I watched what ever silly program was on . Eli is quite active and on paper quite healthy . I 'm concerned though . I 'm probably being paranoid . His eye is still watering . The build up gets so bad that when cleaning it off I take quite a bit of fur with me , and he 's starting to become " bald " around the corner of that eye . He also ends up with dirty patches in his nose . He still sneezes from time to time , so I can 't help but wonder if he 's still fighting off the URI . I 've said it before but it bears repeating , the vet just thinks his tear duct is scarred from being so sick previously , and she 's not worried , but when we go back in a few weeks , I think I 'll have another talk with her about it . I watched " Emergency Vets " today on the animal planet channel . I don 't know why I watch this show . It quite often turns my stomach and more often than not I end up all teary eyed at it . But then there are those stories like they showed today . . They showed a show from 1998 about a kitty who had been hit by car . The poor thing was hit hard , both his back legs were broken , and poking through the skin , then the kitty was dragged on something that wore down the bone . The woman who brought the kitty in was told there wasn 't much they could do , so they were going to put the kitty to sleep . The vet decided that since the kitty was still alive after such a traumatic event and he was acting so sweetly that he couldn 't just give up . They took x - rays and determined they could actually help the kitty out . They operated on him and fixed him , then called the woman who found him . She agreed to take him home even though she had just adopted a cat - because her two year old son really wanted one . The hospital didn 't charge the woman for the surgery . The hubby agreed to keep him as long as they named him highway . It was kitty combing day here . I really need to make sure I do Emerald on a regular basis . She 's a big log like kitty so I don 't think she can properly remove the dead fur from her back side . If I don 't do it regularly she acts like it hurts and even nips at me . . ( stopping the nip the second her teeth come in contact with my skin ) I took off enough fur from her to make a small kitten . She also has some dandruff . . . and jack came to investigate when I was combing her , and he ended up with dandruff all over his face . . it was quite funny . Everyone did really well . I got very little excess fur off of anyone else . Ollie wasn 't happy about the whole thing . . . but at least it went pretty smoothly . Maybe if I do this once a week he 'll stop getting quite so upset about it . We had " treat time " afterwards . . that 's always a big hit . Everyone kept stealing treats from Em though . She often uses her paw to " put " the treat in her mouth . . its unbelievably adorable . We had to put some plastic bowls down for water the other week . . . so now muffin has some acne again . poor thing . She doesn 't seem to notice it at all which is good . Did have to clip her claws again though . . man her claws grow quickly . I think jack 's fully forgiven me . We had some really nice cuddle time last night , then again this morning . I love it when he comes up and cuddles with me . Muffin does it all the time . she 's taken to sleeping on the pillow above my head at night . Last night she ended up with a piece of my hair in her mouth . . I woke up to her making noises like she was trying to get it out . . nothing dramatic , but since she basically sits on my head at night , it was easy to hear . We are going to have our first real teeth cleaning day here soon . Maybe tomorrow , more possibly wednesday . . I 'll let you know how it goes . a few new pictures have been uploaded to to the kitten directory . Including a number of photos of Kodi toward the end . He looks very good , except you can clearly see the problems he had with his eyes . Smokers and nonsmokers alike have had their consciousness raised about the effects of second hand smoke on humans . But , until now , no one had considered the kitty . A recent study in the American Journal of Epidemiology found that cats living with a smoker are twice as likely to develop lymphoma , the most common cancer in cats , as those in smoke - free homes . Felines living with two smokers face four times the risk . Cats may be particularly affected by household smoke ( including fireplace smoke ) because they spend so much time indoors , and because , when grooming , the ingest particles that have fallen on their fur . Aside from quitting , smokers can minimize risk to their cats by keeping them out of rooms where people light up . Brushing or bathing the cats may also help
|
wow . . its amazing how quickly the kitties can turn a few piles of papers and a stack of crafting supplies into a huge mess . We were out of the house most of the weekend . . and right now the living room is absolutely trashed . The stack of papers and coupons from the Sunday newspaper are all over the living room , along with a few other items that were at one point neatly stacked in an out of the way spot . Boy did they have fun . well . . We made the trip to the vets yesterday . . Was an interesting time , that 's for certain . I brought the carriers up early , jack ran right in one and sat down . . that boy loves to travel . I then got out the treats to ensure that Em and Ollie didn 't run away . I think they knew something was coming , but the treat is a powerful thing , so they continued to hang out on the bed . When the hubby came home , they were still there , and he was amazed . I took Em , and he took Ollie , who made a mad dash for it , but we caught him ( ha ha ha ) When Em saw the carriers she started to whine . The hubby stuffed Ollie in his carrier , then had to grab him again as Ol made a mad dash to get out . Getting him in wasn 't nearly as hard as shutting the door . Ollie kept sticking his paws out the side , so we 'd have to push them back in or risk pinching them . Em wasn 't too keen to get in hers either , but at least once she was in she just sat there mewing pathetically . Jack was once again in his carrier . I went for Eli , who was fine till I went to pick him up , then he jumped ( like when you startle someone ) and tried to get away . I was too quick for him though * grin * and we put him in the larger carrier with Jack . Then had to track down muffin . . which was easier than I thought it would be . Getting her in the carrier with jack and eli though wasn 't a pretty site , cause eli wanted to get out . But we eventually got them all in and we were off . And of course Em was howling the whole way down there . We found that if we don 't talk during the car ride she stops crying . I guess she thinks we aren 't there ? No . . cause last time she could see me the whole way . The vet visit was pretty uneventful . Everyone looks good . The doc did a swab on eli 's ear . . pulled out a huge gob of gunk . * sigh * She thinks its still just getting clean from the bad case of ear mites though . I 'm going to clean them often and if they don 't clear up I 'll take him back and discuss other options . I woke up a little early this morning . Immediately had muffin there wanting some attention . Then Jack . Then Em , then Ollie . Was 9 am before I got out of bed . . . when I did I found that they had found the bag of feathers again . grrr . . man those kitties are determined . I 've decided today I 'm going to find all of their kitty balls . or at least as many as possible . They are amazing when it comes to hiding things . There are at least 15 jingly balls and 6 ping pong balls in this house somewhere . I am not a big surprised though . this group of kitties hid balls in my tiny - no closet - kitten room , that i have STILL not found . well I fixed the cat toy I made the other day . If I could figure out how to make the string stick to the stick with out using a huge gob of hot glue , I could actually sell these things . Jack still LOVES it . He 's such a great cat toy tester . : ) I also made another toy . . the other half of the stick , some stretchy bead cording , a big green pom pom , and some hot glue . That one wasn 't as big of a hit as the feather toy . . maybe I should stick a few feathers on it . Poor ollie . He 's trying so hard , but he 's just not getting it . The kittens and I were playing in the kitchen . . he wanted to play too , so I occasionally ran the toy in front of him . he would go after it . . which was a great sign that he 's trying . . but when it would eventually get away , another kitty would go after it . then if that kitty got to close to ollie , ollie would hiss and swat at the kitty that encroached on his territory . * sigh * Well if that 's the type of kitty he is , that 's the type of kitty he is . . will keep working on him for a while , but I might just have to accept the fact that he 's not into sharing . well I left the kitty toy making supplies on the floor last night . . stupid connie . Now there are feathers all over the place . . : ) I woke up this morning as the hubby was leaving for work , and I realized I had most of the kitties in bed with me . I eventually got up and came out here , and poof , now they are all out here with me . They are scattered about the room , but they are here . They are like this pretty much every day . I love that they are so people orientated . Man I make good kittens . : ) What 's my secret ? Acclimating them to the things while they are young . spending lots of time holding them and cuddling them . touching them on areas that most cats don 't like when they are older , paws , tummies . Extend their claws when patting them . . get them used to things they will have to endure for the rest of their life so that its just second nature to them . I really need to get that FAQ up and running . I started one , but I really didn 't like the format . I feel so helpless when I view my stats for this page , and see people looking for answers to questions they have about their little ones . What kinds of foods do they like , questions about snotty noses , what to do when they aren 't eating . . I should also redo my foster kitten webpage . . a lot of the photos are way too big , and the bandwidth is exceeded if you try to view all the images in one go round . . I 'm considering getting my own domain and host for that as well . Everyone loves kitten pictures ( okay well not everyone , but we just aren 't going to go there today ) I wrapped the lacing around the dowel , used the beads as a handle , and attached some feathers to the end of the lacing . . Jack IMMEDIATELY laid claim to the thing , and let everyone know in no uncertain terms that it was HIS ( Hiss spit hiss . . grab and run ) He 's leaping after it with absolutely no concern for his own safety , ( as the back flip into the cupboards will attest ) When I had to repair the feathers , he was almost distraught that I took it away . . I finally had to put it away , cause frankly I was laughing way too hard . . Can 't wait till the hubby comes home so I can show him what I did today . . * giggle * went to the movies tonight . on the ride home I saw something lying on the side of the road that very much looked like a cat . I tried to convince myself it wasn 't . It reminded me of the time the hubby and I were traveling through NH , and we rounded a corner of a three lane road , and saw a cat in the middle of the road . I made him stop , turn around , and go back so I could pull it out of the middle of the road . It was beyond dead , but I couldn 't stand the thought of leaving it there so some idiot could see it there , and aim for it cause he would think it would be cool ( yes . . there are people who do that ) I felt unbelievably foolish doing it , but Im sure the owners of the cat would be grateful if they knew . and yes . . I cried the whole time . . Also reminded me of the statistic that an outdoor cat has an average lifespan of about two years . Someone once said that their outdoor cat lived till 20 . I wanted to jump up and down and tell them how lucky they were that he did . its not an AVERAGE life span for nothing . I lost my first cat Tigger at age 8 . As much as I tried to make that boy an indoor only cat , he wasn 't having anything to do with that . He was on the feral side of life when we adopted him from the local humane society . I had a devil of a time taking care of him and patting him because he had a very hard time trusting people . The one thing I had going for me was when you patted his chin he 'd go catatonic with happiness . : ) as time passed , he 'd get closer and closer to us . He loved playing games like chase the stick and tag . ( yes . . he actually played tag ) He used to sleep under the covers in the small of my back . That kitty had personality to spare . Sadly he just didn 't come home one day . It was a few months after we moved into the house we built out in the middle of nowhere . He had lived his whole live " in the city " ( not much here in maine you can call a real city . . but his biggest problems were cars and dogs ) . Guess the wildlife out here was just too much for him . My sister recently lost her outdoor cat as well . by I was laying in bed this morning , being lazy cause I knew the news only had info on the war , and that charmed was one I had recently seen . Muffin decided to attack my eyeglasses that were on the top of the bed . * rolls eyes * Somehow the TV ended up on AMC , and I started watching the original Dragnet movie . I LOVE the original dragnet . Anyway . . being a lazy morning , it wasn 't long before all the kitties were in the bed . I was in Connie Heaven . : ) After Dragnet was the original Dr . Dolittle - from 1967 where they set out in search of the pink sea snail . I thought it was quite appropriate . At some point in the morning there was a test of the emergency broadcast system , which totally freaked the cats out . They all stood up and looked at the TV with a look that could kill . It was a riot . Eli 's ears got dirty over the weekend . * big sigh * Oh well . Im sure the vet can figure out what 's going on . . Im not going to clean them again till we go in . . . * looks at calendar * Hum . I thought we were going in on a Friday , which was the 24th , but the 24th is a Monday . I 'll have to check on that . Wow . . has it been five weeks already ? I was cleaning the kitchen this afternoon . Found a can of catfood in the fridge . I decided to warm it up and offer it to Ollie . Only thing is I KNEW that if I just gave it to him that the kittens would be all over it and stress him out . So I took him and the food and put both in the bathroom . I went in after five minutes , and he was cowering in the corner and the food was untouched . In the past , I have locked Ollie in the bathroom when he 's lashed out . . . I didn 't even consider that . It must have totally freaked him out to be quietly sleeping on the bed then being thrown in a place of punishment . I sat with him for 10 minutes patting him and cooing at him . He started purring , but he still wouldn 't touch the food . So I took him and the food out , and locked the kittens in the bathroom . He still didn 't touch it . Well he might have . I didn 't watch . But Em was up and about so Im sure she had a bit too . I tried offering it to him again , even had the hubby offer it to him later . after about half an hour I decided I 'd let the kittens out of the bathroom , and as promised , muffin dove right into it , wouldn 't move her head so anyone else could get a nibble . I pulled her away , and jack dove in , not letting eli have a nibble . So I grabbed a paper plate and divvied it up . . some of it got on the floor . . . but in just a few moments there wasn 't a trace of that food anywhere . Licked kitty clean . Ollie is currently sitting on my lap and slamming his tail into my side . I think he 's cheezed that Im not paying more attention to him and continuing to blog . I want him to know that the world isn 't going to revolve with out him , but not that it revolves around him . . its a very fine line . . I forgot to mention that Muffin has an almost ' wet dog ' smell when she 's all wet . I used a nice kitty shampoo on her due to the oil , but she still had this odor about her when she was wet . Fortunately when she was dry she smelled all sweet and floraly . I wonder if I will EVER figure out why she smells like that . Eli 's ears are clear * does happy dance * Its about freakin time . Im so glad it wasn 't anything else . I did another major cleaning on friday . I got scratched a little , cause I didn 't have him in a very good position when I put the cleaning fluid in his ear . I should have known , but he had been so good every time I cleaned his ears , I wasn 't thinking . It was a very minor scratch , its almost gone now . His ears were mostly clean by friday , and I only got a few pieces of gunk out . Saturday I peeked in cause the day after the first cleaning lots of junk worked its way out . Saturday they were still mostly clean . Only two q - tips per ear . originally I could have used 10 per ear and they would still be dirty . . . ok maybe not 10 , but a lot . I peeked in them yesterday and they were fine , and Monday they were clean . I was almost surprised . I have been fighting this for so long . Still fighting his eye though . That and his nose gets gunk on it . its easy to take off the bottom of his nostril , but when it gets on the top , its so hard to get off , that often I just leave it . Jack is being all cuddly tonight . He came over to me to get some lovin . He 's now over bugging my hubby for some . I do love that cat I 'm working on Ollie . Trying to get him to not be so tense . We had play time the other morning , he was actually going after the feathers . I think he 's adjusting nicely . He 's still a little sensitive when it comes to his personal space . . . we will have to work on that . ( jack is back . * cuddles jack * ) He actually came and had some good quality time with me last night , then went and sat on daddy while he slept for about an hour till muffin came in . she has NO respect for personal space Emmy made her way into the sun room tonight . There was still a little heat out there after the sun went down , so we ate dinner out there . That was a big hit with everyone . Jack even sat on the fake fireplace . It was odd to see him on a fire place that looked so real . Made me glad we decided to get that one though , knowing that someone would have ended up with blisters or a burnt tail if we had gotten a real one . When we were done eating I decided it was getting a bit too cold so we went in . Everyone else had pretty much wandered back into the house except Em . I called her into the house , but she looked at me like I was metal . So I shut the door on her . She didn 't care . I opened the door back up and told her it was time for bed . She came back in . : ) Friday was yet another teeth cleaning / combing day day . It went relatively easy . Ollie didn 't even try to bite me , and I was able to comb him a little . I didn 't get into it too much , didn 't want to traumatize him . I was very surprised . Friday night we went to the local cat show . It was fun seeing all the different breeds of cats . One cage had a sliding door . Either the owner had left it open , or someone opened it , cause when we came around the corner I saw a kitten looking out the open door . I looked around for an owner , and there was no one to be found . I stood there and watched him for a minute , and he made a move to get out . So I walked up to the cage . . he backed into it , so I reached out and slid the door shut . I felt a little odd doing it , knowing I shouldn 't be touching the cage . . but I figured they would rather me touch the cage than have to track down their kitty in the building . We walked around a bit more . I kept looking for an owner to that cage but no one ever showed up . . it was rather weird . We went shopping at some of the merchants at the show . I was shocked at how they price gouge . The pair of socks I bought for $ 2 . 00 they were selling for $ 8 . A pair of flannel pj 's were 50 $ . a simple dress was 90 . Some plates I saw at the local Christmas tree shop for a dollar a piece were being sold for 8 - 9 $ . It was insane . I saw a bunch of cute cat toys though . Even a stretchy collar with a large pink satin bow on it . I almost bought it , but it was 9 $ and the bow was kinda big for muffin . We did get two pole toys . . one with a sparkly ball attached to some fishing line , and another with large feathers on the end . Those were a big hit . We also bought a small cat nip bag with feathers on the end , but some how that got lost between the show , the trip to the restaurant eggspectations ( VERY good btw ) , and home . Hubby ran out to get another this morning . . Eli loved it . This afternoon , the hubby decided to give me a massage . I store all my stress in my lower back , and it gets quite painful sometimes . He broke out the massage oil , which of course totally interested the kittens . Muffin wouldn 't stop licking me . So to prevent her from ingesting the oils , he picked her up with his oily hands and threw her on the floor ( several times . . she is obsessive ) . Which of course coated her in oil . Which of course lead to a a bath for muffin . I was very worried as she does NOT like water . well unless she 's licking it out of my water bottle . I got a big bucket and filled it completely with water . Grabbed her by the scuff of her neck and under her behind and dropped her in . and she balked big time . When I put her on the bath tub floor for washing , she hasn 't even gotten her back wet . I haven 't had a cat that acted that badly to getting a bath , and that includes Tigger , my first cat who was almost feral when we got him ( and who shredded me when I 'd clip his claws ) We were very fortunate though , I still have all my fingers . . and surprisingly she didn 't try to bite or scratch me . . just was desperate to get out of there . I dunked her back in the tub after I scrubbed her with some soap . It wasn 't all that helpful , so I used a bowl to pour some water over her . eventually I put her back in the tub and talked to her till she stopped bucking . She was still very unhappy , but at least we got all the soap off . seems Im in excess of muffin stories . . : ) Last night I was having a bottle of water . Muffin decided she needed to have it . . she kept pushing her nose against the top of the bottle . I finally offered it to her , and she started trying to push her way into the bottle . I started tipping the bottle to get the water near the opening . . with only a few drops spilt , she was actually able drink from the bottle of water . muffin is back to playing fetch . She wanted some lovin , but it was exercise time for me , so I gave her a little , then went off to exercise . I have a step , and I do my modified version of step aerobics . She went off to find one of her little pompoms . She loves those things . Well she brought it to play near where I was . I was worried about her getting under foot , so I took the pompom and threw it down the hall . She immediately went after it . Of course she brought it back . so I threw it again . . and yup . . she brought it back again . . : ) She had a hard time finding it a couple of times cause she chose a ball that is the same color as the rug . . lol . . she 's off sticking the ball in hard to get out places to work at getting it out . . man she 's cute . Did a little spring cleaning this weekend . . there is a hutch in my kitchen that 90 % of the small cat toys end up under . I got a yard stick and tried to get them out , and of course it became a major game . . every time I got something close to the edge someone would go after it and push it back in . * rolls eyes * . I also found a Snapple cap under there with a Snapple fact in it that said " cats have over one hundred vocal sounds " . I just thought that was cute . Today was a major day in the lives of the kitties . Ear cleanings , nail trimmings , combings and yes . . teeth cleaning . It started out with Eli . His ears were a little less dirty than they had been recently , so I got out the flush that I got when we acquired ollie ( he had a major mite and flea problem ) One ear went okay , got some gobs out from the inner ear . But then the sun room people stopped by ( cause the frost has shifted the room and now the doors don 't shut right ) and that was the end of the cooperation from Eli . Made doing the other ear a bit more difficult . but with some cooing and some promises of treats , we got through the second ear , and of course he shook his head before I could get the towel over his head so I ended up with ear flush and gobs of black goop on me . Silly kitty . I 'll probably flush his ears one more time toward the end of the week , then see what happens . if it continues to get dirty , then I 'm going to assume its something other than the end of a bad case of mites . Since I had the treats out , I found all my teeth cleaning supplies . The little ones took to it okay . it wasn 't their favorite activity , but they didn 't run away once I let them go . The power of the treat is an amazing thing . Ollie HATED it . he bit me a couple of times . . at least the ' brush ' prevented it from hurting . I also think he wasn 't all that interested in hurting me , just getting my finger out of his mouth . Em was the worst . Her teeth are the worst . . but considering she is 12 years old . . . they aren 't that bad . But her gums did bleed . she wasn 't too happy about it . I can 't blame her . I 'm sure after a few weeks it will be much easier . Did some combing as well . Em went rather easily compared to last week . Ollie will never get used to it . so I decided to use a small comb on him , and got a nice pile out of him . One of these days he has GOT to realize that its good to be combed . Has to be better than hairballs . Although I wouldn 't be totally shocked to find out he knows that now , I think its more of a not wanting to be restraineI have totally been forgiven for all the horror * smirk * Behold . . the power of the kitty treat . Got a new collar for Em . She would constantly break out of the safty collar that I had gotten her when she scratched her neck , so I got her one that buckles . Muffin decided that she needed some attention way too early this morning . Man that cat has some determination . I threw her off the bed like 10 times . . ok . . more like 20 . She 'd just jump back up and start licking what ever part of my skin that was exposed . Its just so hard to get mad at her . . even if she is waking you up , cause she just rolls over on to her back and looks ever so cute and adorable . Eli 's ears are still dirty . When we were at the vet , he was treated for ear mites . Kodi was tested and they found a mite in his ear , so with the way the dirt in his ears looked and that bit of history , I was pretty sure we were on the money . But Im guessing that we were wrong now . The treatement stuff is quite effective with one dose . and thursday morning I cleaned his ears till they sparkled . Thursday night he had huge gobs of goo in them again . Same with friday . At first I was thinking it was just stuff coming loose from further down in his ear ( cause I only clean the outer ear ) but now Im thinking that he 's still producing it . The vet said it might be a yeast infection . ( didn 't know kitties could get those ) . Eli hates it when Im physically cleaning his ears . . mostly cause Im having to hold him down when I do it , but I get the distinct impression that he is ever so glad to have his ears cleaned . I bought muffin a new collar . See the bell ? well that bell has gone bye bye ! Last night she once again decided to sleep on top of my head and jingle the bell right in my ear . VERY annoying . I was very slow to wake up this morning , and in so had both muffin and jack looking for some attention . It was really sweet . . . but do you know how hard it is to change the channel when there is a kitty sleeping on your remote , and another sleeping on you ? So instead I watched what ever silly program was on . Eli is quite active and on paper quite healthy . I 'm concerned though . I 'm probably being paranoid . His eye is still watering . The build up gets so bad that when cleaning it off I take quite a bit of fur with me , and he 's starting to become " bald " around the corner of that eye . He also ends up with dirty patches in his nose . He still sneezes from time to time , so I can 't help but wonder if he 's still fighting off the URI . I 've said it before but it bears repeating , the vet just thinks his tear duct is scarred from being so sick previously , and she 's not worried , but when we go back in a few weeks , I think I 'll have another talk with her about it . I watched " Emergency Vets " today on the animal planet channel . I don 't know why I watch this show . It quite often turns my stomach and more often than not I end up all teary eyed at it . But then there are those stories like they showed today . . They showed a show from 1998 about a kitty who had been hit by car . The poor thing was hit hard , both his back legs were broken , and poking through the skin , then the kitty was dragged on something that wore down the bone . The woman who brought the kitty in was told there wasn 't much they could do , so they were going to put the kitty to sleep . The vet decided that since the kitty was still alive after such a traumatic event and he was acting so sweetly that he couldn 't just give up . They took x - rays and determined they could actually help the kitty out . They operated on him and fixed him , then called the woman who found him . She agreed to take him home even though she had just adopted a cat - because her two year old son really wanted one . The hospital didn 't charge the woman for the surgery . The hubby agreed to keep him as long as they named him highway . It was kitty combing day here . I really need to make sure I do Emerald on a regular basis . She 's a big log like kitty so I don 't think she can properly remove the dead fur from her back side . If I don 't do it regularly she acts like it hurts and even nips at me . . ( stopping the nip the second her teeth come in contact with my skin ) I took off enough fur from her to make a small kitten . She also has some dandruff . . . and jack came to investigate when I was combing her , and he ended up with dandruff all over his face . . it was quite funny . Everyone did really well . I got very little excess fur off of anyone else . Ollie wasn 't happy about the whole thing . . . but at least it went pretty smoothly . Maybe if I do this once a week he 'll stop getting quite so upset about it . We had " treat time " afterwards . . that 's always a big hit . Everyone kept stealing treats from Em though . She often uses her paw to " put " the treat in her mouth . . its unbelievably adorable . We had to put some plastic bowls down for water the other week . . . so now muffin has some acne again . poor thing . She doesn 't seem to notice it at all which is good . Did have to clip her claws again though . . man her claws grow quickly . I think jack 's fully forgiven me . We had some really nice cuddle time last night , then again this morning . I love it when he comes up and cuddles with me . Muffin does it all the time . she 's taken to sleeping on the pillow above my head at night . Last night she ended up with a piece of my hair in her mouth . . I woke up to her making noises like she was trying to get it out . . nothing dramatic , but since she basically sits on my head at night , it was easy to hear . We are going to have our first real teeth cleaning day here soon . Maybe tomorrow , more possibly wednesday . . I 'll let you know how it goes . a few new pictures have been uploaded to to the kitten directory . Including a number of photos of Kodi toward the end . He looks very good , except you can clearly see the problems he had with his eyes . Smokers and nonsmokers alike have had their consciousness raised about the effects of second hand smoke on humans . But , until now , no one had considered the kitty . A recent study in the American Journal of Epidemiology found that cats living with a smoker are twice as likely to develop lymphoma , the most common cancer in cats , as those in smoke - free homes . Felines living with two smokers face four times the risk . Cats may be particularly affected by household smoke ( including fireplace smoke ) because they spend so much time indoors , and because , when grooming , the ingest particles that have fallen on their fur . Aside from quitting , smokers can minimize risk to their cats by keeping them out of rooms where people light up . Brushing or bathing the cats may also help
|
This idea of using the daily photo prompts to take pictures and write blog posts , seemed like a thing . It really did . Clearly , though , it was not a thing I could keep up with . And I 'm so bad at letting these things go and moving on from them that when the first time I didn 't get it done , I thought , " Well , shit . But that 's ok . I 'll just double up tomorrow . " And of course , " tomorrow " came and went and no pictures were taken and no posts were written , and before I knew it , I had a backlog of pictures to take and post and I didn 't know how I was going to make that happen and suddenly , it 's been , what ? two weeks since I wrote anything . Okay . So I actually had ( or rather have ) a decent way to accommodate this . I don 't really believe in " luck " per se , and as such , I don 't really have a lucky number . I do have a favorite number , 23 , which comes up in my life frequently and without reason , but I wouldn 't call it a lucky number and I couldn 't give you a discernible reason for its prominence if you asked . On January 9th , K and I went back to the tattoo shop where I got my latest tattoo done . She got a new tattoo , adding on to one she 's had for several years . ( In fact she got it at the same shop where , and within a few weeks when , I got my first one . ) We went together , and when he was finished with her new tattoo , he cleaned up , set up fresh equipment and did my touch up / repair / augmentation work that I alluded to . As it happens , I incorporated the number 23 into the additional art and could have taken a picture of that for the photo prompt … Except it didn 't happen until the day after the prompt and wasn 't really ready for photographing for many days after that . In fact , the tattoo as a whole , still isn 't . It 's been two weeks today and much to my surprise , and displeasure , it still isn 't healed . The sun rays done in the colors of the pride flag , were touched up and extended farther onto my shoulder , which , can I just tell you , was not a pleasant experience ! For some reason , those blocks of solid color have taken a long time to heal . They 're much better now , but there are still dry and scaly patches that are bothersome and difficult to resist the urge to pick and scratch - which is disaster for a tattoo . It 's already evident that I will have to go back for at least one more touch - up , but that most likely won 't happen until May . My swim class starts up again tonight , and while I don 't expect our instructor will actually have us get in the water tonight ( he didn 't the first class last semester ) , I wouldn 't be able to anyway , because it 's not smart to get into a public pool , while a tattoo is still in this scaly stage . I think I 'll be okay by Monday , but I don 't know for sure . Fortunately , it 's the first night of instruction and it 's about getting comfortable being in the water and floating , ducking under the surface and kicking against the wall . If I have to sit that out , it will not be a big loss . Strangely , I am equal parts excited and trepidatious about class starting up again . I really enjoyed the class last semester ( and will again ) but I also haven 't been in a pool since the last class I attended last semester . I 'm sure whatever endurance I 've built up has been lost . I just hope I haven 't taken too many steps backwards in terms of technique … The instruction was to take a picture of something natural or created naturally . The possibilities for this are endless , and yet , with what was available to me , fairly boring . The same goes for the follow - up prompt the next day … Take a photo of something made by man . In a lot of ways , this would have been even easier , because everywhere you look you can see things that are made by man . But that almost makes the prompt uninteresting , because I could easily have taken a picture of my television , or my furniture , or my computer , or … Well , pretty much anything in my house that was not fresh produce . And since I didn 't leave the house that day , the photo would have been something in my house . It quickly becomes uninspiring . But you see , this is an ongoing problem in the realm of photo challenge photo taking . If I don 't leave the house , then the opportunities for the photos are greatly reduced . If I do leave the house , do I really want to lug my camera around with me everywhere I go ? The answer to that is two - fold , because yes , I do want to take it with me everywhere I go . And , NO ! I don 't want to have to carry it around and keep track of it and make sure it doesn 't come to any harm everyday , everywhere . Anyway , while I 'm unemployed and have limited reasons to leave the house , I spend days at a time inside my home and therefore have far fewer options for creative photos that meet the challenge and don 't become redundant . Once again , without leaving the house my options were limited to looking over the railing of the stairs leading up to my front door , which would be … concrete sidewalk , or very poorly maintained grass in the side yard , or looking out a window . Which wouldn 't really be " down " so much as " out " . Of course , I could have taken one of those ubiquitous pictures of my feet , or of my shoes on my feet ( which I don 't wear in the house ) , but that 's not particularly interesting in my mind . Pass . This one I actually could have done , with only the smallest bit of cheating . I always figure that the point of the Photo - A - Day challenges , is to take a photo that day that goes with the prompt , however , I was actually with K when she took the photo she posted for " natural " , only it was " lucky number " day . Maybe it 's the thought that counts ? Anyway , I took this picture of Lil ' B a couple of weekends prior while we were on an outing to the Hyde Street Pier and exploring some of the ships that are moored there . Lil ' B always makes me smile . So if you don 't worry about the fact that I already posted this picture once , or about meeting the date , then it 's all good . January 14th : " Three Things " This one might actually have been pretty interesting . The instruction was to take a picture of three things . " They might belong together , or they might be totally random " . But of course , by this time , I was a week behind on this endeavor , and in my mind , I couldn 't have participated in this one without having done all the ones that came before . This leads to my new challenge for myself to be further discussed at the end of this post . This prompt is much like the " upside down " prompt in that , with modern technology , any picture can be black and white with just the press of a few buttons . I could have made a picture black and white using settings on my camera , or using iPhoto to edit it that way . There 's no real challenge in that , and once again , I only left the house to work . Irony being what it is , I could have taken a " selfie " at work and posted that , since my uniform for most bar tending jobs is a white shirt with black pants , tie and vest . But again , I didn 't want to bring my camera along to work . The instruction was to take a picture of the sun . Of course this was totally doable , even without having left the house . But again . I was too far behind . " Take a photo of your breakfast , or where you were for breakfast time . " This was a Lil ' B Sunday . I picked him up earlier than usual so we could go to the Oakland , Zoo . I slept through breakfast , and well ? Really ? Does anyone really want a photograph of my bed ? I don 't think so . I took lots of pictures at the zoo , though I haven 't yet had time to edit them . But those photographs had nothing to do with the prompt . I suppose there might be something interesting in this . The instruction was to take a picture of the actual list , or a series of pictures of things I did . At the moment , my to do list , is only in my head , and it 's so long that it 's actually debilitating and nothing gets done . Something I absolutely must work on . But anyway , this photo prompt wasn 't doable either for many reasons . Sometimes they 're just too easy , which I guess I shouldn 't complain about . While I am not consciously aware of having a favorite color , or a strong preference toward any one color , until recently , a quick glance at my closet would have told you that blue is unequivocally my favorite color . Finding a blue thing to take a picture of would not have been difficult . Then of course , there 's always this : Heck , even the blue Honda over my left shoulder was mine . That 's the car I traded in for the Mustang . ( Don 't talk to me about the monumental difference in gas mileage . I will cut you ! ) And that leads us to today , January 22nd : " Nice ! " . The instruction just says , " take a picture of something nice " , which , again , could be anything . Hell , I could even just direct you to scroll up an inch or so . There 's something pretty nice ! Maybe I 'll take some additional pictures today , maybe I won 't . We 'll just have to wait and see . Anyway , my new challenge for my self , as alluded to with January 14th : " Three Things " is to not get so caught up in the idea that I have to post one thing before I can post something else . Especially when that one thing is something that I am avoiding doing for whatever reason . Maybe that thing will get posted , maybe it won 't . But I shouldn 't let that thing prevent me from posting other things . I have , in the past , had a problem with holding back on those thoughts because I hadn 't posted the other thing yet , and then I end up losing lots of ideas that I wanted to convey . Probably this won 't lead to anything earth shattering , but at least it should help me keep my writing muscle exercised … Lord knows it 's the only one that 's getting any exercise . The Fat Mum Slim Photo - a - Day prompt for today is " Happens Everyday " . As I tried to think of something to photograph that fits this description I realized that , while I could think of dozens of things that happen everyday , brushing teeth , taking a shower , using the toilet , preparing and eating meals , getting out of bed , getting into bed , playing on Facebook , reading , writing , ' rithmetic - Oh … not that one , not if I can help it … I realized , that there wasn 't anything particularly exciting , and more importantly , not maybe just a little inappropriate to share on this forum , to photograph and share with the world . Then it hit me . There is something that I do everyday , something that I could share with the world , but more importantly something that leads into a story I 'm supposed to tell and have not yet done . Every day I put lotion on my tattoos , particularly the newest one , to moisturize the skin where they have been implanted and to bring out the color that is otherwise masked by the paleness of dried out skin . While in the strictest of terms , I 'm not sharing any photographs that were taken today , what I am sharing is all original photography , either taken by me , or taken of me , and with my camera . That will make sense in a minute , but suffice it to say that it would 've been really difficult for me to have taken all of the pictures that will be shared here . With that said , here is the not so long - awaited story , as promised , of my fourth tattoo ; the one with the sentimentality to surpass all others ( on my body at least ) . In October of 2012 , I went one Sunday afternoon to pick up Lil ' B from his house for our regular outing . Lil ' B and I had been matched for a little over three years at that point . We had grown close . The days of yesteryear , with the long silences and the uncertainty of our connection were past and I was confident , indeed certain of our closeness . On this particular Sunday afternoon in early October , Lil ' B presented me with a drawing that he had done for me . Lil ' B has always been a good artist and it 's something he enjoys . In fact , our very first get together , I came over and we hung out in his bedroom as he showed me his toys and games and got to know what hanging out with me would be like in the relative comfort and safety of his own home , with his mother in the next room . After showing me his toys and games and playing with them for a little while , he pulled out his art supplies and we began to draw pictures . His pictures were much better than mine . As I said , he 's always been a good artist . Me ? Not so much . I still have the drawings he did for me that day hanging on my refrigerator . Unfortunately , in the present state of financial lack the state of California has been experiencing , arts classes of all kinds have been the first to go in the curriculum , in the interest of saving money . It 's a tragedy in my mind that the powers that be , don 't see the value in exercising that part of a child 's mind and in fact the detriment that such deprivation inflicts on a child 's education . Nonetheless , art classes are a thing of the past in Lil ' B 's schools and the fact that he drew this picture for me was particularly special and moving for me , because he was not prompted by anyone to do it . It was entirely of his own volition and on his own time that he drew this picture that so clearly , at least to me , depicts the meaning our relationship holds for him , but just as importantly illustrates that he is paying attention when we interact and he knows me and what I like ( at least as much as is reasonable forLil ' B drew this picture for me , purely because he was thinking of me , and he wanted to do it . For the sake of his privacy I have covered up our names on the drawing , but you can see in the top right corner , he drew himself and me . He also drew a picture of Superman and a Superman logo . Then , though his spelling is wrong , he drew a " Supermisha logo " and a picture of Supermischa , a grey cat in Superman costume . I thought it was adorable , as I 'm sure you 'll agree . Purely by chance , Lil ' B gave me this drawing approximately two weeks before my little buddy , Mischa fell too seriously ill to go on and I had to make the hardest decision I 've ever had to make in my life . Mischa wandered into my life when he was just about ten weeks old and with the exception of a few months here and there when I lived in places he couldn 't , he was with me for his entire life , which in the end , was a few months longer than 20 years . He had a long and good life , being well protected and taken care of and when his time came , he went peacefully , in my arms , and knowing that he was loved to the very end . It was , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . I still miss him terribly . Anyway , with Mischa gone , Lil ' B 's picture became that much more special to me . As these things go , I began to formulate an idea . As with tattoo number 5 , the idea morphed and grew and began to take shape . In June of 2013 , after several months of contemplation and communication with my tattoo artist , I finally had a plan and an appointment . While the idea for the tattoo was , in no small part directly inspired by Lil ' B 's drawing , it was still a ten - year - old 's art work . As special as Lil ' B is , and as important as he is to me , I did not want the artwork of a ten - year - old permanently affixed to my body . I made it clear to Lil ' B that he had inspired the design and that it was special to me for that reason . I don 't think he really got it until he saw the finished product , but he seemed to really like it once he saw it and he understood the significance of the components . The next component Is actually the Superman logo as used in the 1993 television series , Lois and Clark : The New Adventures of Superman . While I had seen and enjoyed the Christopher Reeve Superman movies when I was a kid , it really wasn 't until Lois and Clark came along that I became a big fan of Superman . It may or may not have had something to do with my attraction to Asian men and the fact that Dean Cain is half Japanese . Regardless , I became a fan of the character and what he stands for while enjoying that series . The third component of the tattoo is the logo from the 2006 movie Superman Returns . Lil ' B was born in 2001 but the last movie before Superman Returns came out in 1987 . The image here is distorted due to location and the angle of the original , unedited photograph . By the way , you might have noticed the " 6 / 13 " at the bottom of Lil ' B 's logo . This was my fourth tattoo . On countless occasions , I have had people ask , of the first three , " How long have you had that ? " and I never knew the answer . As I was preparing to have this tattoo done , I looked back through various records ( * cough * paper journals * cough * ) and found out the month and year that I had each of the previous three tattoos done and as part of the process for tattoo number four , I had dates added to each of my tattoos so that when people asked me how long I 've had them , I could refer to the date on the artwork and answer the question . If you refer back to the pictures of tattoo number five , you 'll see that there is a date added to that tattoo as well . This will be something I will keep up with going forward as I continue to get more tattoos … And I will be getting more tattoos . So there you have it . Two birds , one stone . It happens everyday that I put lotion on my tattoos including tattoo number four , the previously untold tattoo … heh ! By the way , tomorrow 's photo - a - day prompt is " upside down " . I 'm not the least bit sure how I 'm going to manage a picture for that , that is not just using editing tools to turn a right side up picture , upside down . The recommendation on Fat Mum Slim 's list is , if nothing else , " turn your phone upside down " to take a picture . Apparently Chantelle doesn 't have an iPhone , or she 'd know that turning the phone upside down does no good . The accelerometer in the phone just turns the picture right side up for you … I suppose that 's not any less cheating than using editing tools to turn something upside down . We 'll have to see what I can come up with . Standard | Posted in Big Brothers and Big Sisters , Gay Stuff . . . Again , Humor . . . Sort Of , Life , My Story , Photo - A - Day , Photography , Pop Culture , Stuff , Tattoos | Tagged # fmsphotaday , # fmsphotoadayJanuary , # photoaday , Big Brothers and Big Sisters , California , Cheating , Education , Facebook , Fat Mum Slim , Gay , iPhone , Lil ' B , Mischa , Tattoos , Upside Down | 2 Comments A couple of years ago , I began reading Armistead Maupin 's Tales of the City books . For those who don 't know , the earliest of this series started out as a recurring installment in the San Francisco Chronicle , the local news paper . I imagine it was sort of like reading a soap opera . The books take place in San Francisco and center around a young gay man , Michael , and his naive , mid - western suburbia transplant neighbor turned best friend , Mary Ann . One night , while reading one of the early volumes , a reference was made to an actor by the name of Tab Hunter . The first thought that popped into my head was that " Tab Hunter " sounds like a made up name ( it is ) of a porn star ( it is not ) , yet , in spite of not being a connoisseur of pornography , the name seemed vaguely familiar to me . I never did find out why , but in my investigation I pulled up his IMDb page to see if I would recognize him , or might have seen him in anything . While I 'm sure to have seen him in some of his late career television guest roles , nothing jumped out at me , but as luck would have it , he had starred in a film adaptation of Damn Yankees ! , a play I had the opportunity to see in the mid ' 90s and very much enjoyed . It also happened to have significant relevance to my , as yet unpublished ( in fact , still unedited ) novel I was writing at the time . While I perused Tab Hunter 's IMDb page I noticed that he was quite a handsome man in his youth , though , to be fair , he 's not a bad looking man now , considering his advanced years . Anyway , I became curious about him . Along with adding several of his appearances to my Netflix queue , I also checked out a copy of his autobiography , Tab Hunter Confidential , from the library . It was there that I learned a lot of interesting things about Tab Hunter . Most notable to me , especially at the time , is the fact that he is gay , and while Hollywood ( and society ) would not allow its leading men to come out publicly , in that day and age , Tab never really made much effort to hide the fact either . In fact , he claims , in his book , that he never really gave it much thought , never questioned whether it was who he really was or what he was supposed to do or be , and he never felt the need to make a declaration about the subject either . It was just who he was , and he never gave it a second thought . Too me , that seems like some pretty forward and progressive thinking , even by today 's standards , not to mention in the 1940s and 1950s ! Tab Hunter Confidential is Tab 's life story beginning with his birth on July 11 , 1931 , in New York City , as Arthur Andrew Kelm ( later Arthur Galeen ) and ending with his quiet life on a secluded ranch near Santa Barbara , California where he still lives with his " partner " ( I hate that word in this context ) of 30 years and their many animals . In the final pages of the autobiography , Tab describes being at his mother 's bedside as she lay dying . His mother had been a hard and difficult woman who never quite accepted who he was , choosing instead to ignore that part of his life and never discuss or confront the situation . His description of the woman reminded me quite a bit of my own mother and her general reaction to the news when I came out to her , and so when he describes reading a poem to her on her deathbed , a poem that I felt was very poignant , I found it quite moving : I felt that this poem was a powerful message , and words to live by . It became the foundation of an idea ; an idea which began to shift and grow in my mind . Over time , it began to take shape until it became something real . Today 's prompt ( and it actually still is today , as I 'm writing this . Go me ! ) is Words To Live By . While I originally thought to find a way to photograph my favorite quote , " Stop laughing ! You can 't fix stupid ! " , I decided to try for something that is hopefully a bit more uplifting . So instead , I now present , in all it 's imperfect , incomplete glory , my fifth tattoo . The largest , most elaborate tattoo I 've gotten so far , and certainly the one with the most meaning and significance behind it . ( Not to be confused with the most sentimentality , which is still tattoo number four , all the way ! Which , as it turns out , I don 't think I wrote about here … Hmm … ) . Tattoo # 5 Tattoo # 5 - View from the front . Tattoo # 5 - View from the back . I gave my basic concept to the tattoo artist who created a more elaborate , and better than I could have imagined , design . The poem , I think , is pretty self explanatory . The rest represents baring oneself before God , concealing nothing , and basking in the knowledge of God 's grace , mercy and love . With this tattoo , I proudly demonstrate the certain knowledge that I am a child of God , loved and blessed , free of judgement and condemnation , and that it is not a contradiction to be gay and a Christian . The finished product is not perfect , however . As you can see in the third image , the first line at the top , " If I relax " the I and the r are too close together . The artist assures me that he can fix that and I certainly hope he can . It was definitely a disappointment when I took the bandage off after I got home and realized that the letters were so close together that it looks like an h " If helax " . The sun rays , in the colors of the pride flag , need to extend further onto my shoulder , chest and back than they do , and they definitely need to be filled in more . He told me as he was doing the tattoo that they would need to be touched up . Blocks of solid color that large rarely heal perfectly on the first pass . It is also my preference , and he says he can do it , for the colors to be a little more bold and primary , as they appear on the pride flag . Finally , only after I 'd had the tattoo for a few days and had looked at it regularly did I realize , it just doesn 't quite look complete to me . I have an appointment for this coming Wednesday to have the touch - ups and corrections done and at the same time , I 'm going to have him do some augmentation to frame the tattoo in a little better . I 'm thinking more flourishes , similar to what 's at the bottom of the poem along the sides and around my arm , meeting on the inside . That should be quite an exciting experience since the skin there is quite tender and soft . It does not go through a lot of abuse , being on the inside of the arm and , therefore , it will be much more sensitive than the outside of my arm was during the original application . I 've written about my first three tattoos previously , here , so I won 't get into them now . If you 're curious , check that post out . I had intended to link to the story of tattoo number four as well , but it seems that story hasn 't been written … yet . I will . I promise . It 's a good one . Do you care that I passed out cold when I got my left ear pierced in 1993 ? Or that I was so nervous that it would happen again that when I got my right ear pierced in 2001 , I sat on the piercing stool for at least five minutes after the job was done while Heather went to pay ? ( It was her idea . She said I needed to be " balanced out " , so she paid for it . ) I did not pass out , FYI . Do you care that when I finally made up my mind to get my upper ear pierced , something I had wanted to do for years but had been too afraid , both of the pain and of my mother , that it didn 't actually happen until just four years ago , after going to Tulsa to take care of my mother , post surgery , and coming face to face with her disdain ( which wasn 't as bad as I expected ) for my then three tattoos ( I now have four and have an appointment for my fifth on Tuesday ) , I was still anxious . I felt liberated and able to do whatever I wanted so I went for it , but I was still nervous . And , well , you Probably don 't want Any of the details of my fourth and most recent piercing ; one very few people will ever see . Then I thought about a post discussing the number of men not named " Riggledo " who have touched my favorite appendage ( hint , the answer is three - no make that four . I have to assume my father changed a diaper or two … No … actually , that 's five - I just remembered a trip to the doctor … ) Anywhoo … Only one of those five men was neither related to me , nor was he being Paid , And oh look we 're talking about The Guy and I 've failed , again . There 's no need at this stage of things to go into that story . It was risky and stupid , and in the end , quite possibly the least pleasant of all the experiences , and that 's including the man who , just two days ago , touched it TO POKE A HOLE THROUGH IT … . But the simple truth is , all of these things do directly lead back to the idea of facing one 's fears . You see , I was afraid to do any of these things , or write any of these posts . In the end , I decided not to write the story of my most recent Piercing , And I decided not to write the story of the " special massage " I got a week ago , before which I was quite nervous though simultaneously tremendously excited . ( It was actually a really incredible experience which I can 't wait to repeat and unlike anything I 've ever experienced before - so much more … better . . than I imagined . So incredible , in fact , that I had no inclination to try to recreate the experience on my own before going to the body piercing shop on Monday … Something which , judging by the aching in my dangly bits , I should probably have planned out better … ) Even the simple act of writing this post , in place of the other two , was something I was afraid to do . I 've put it off for two days because I feared who might see it and how they might react . But the simple fact is , we have to do what 's right for ourselves . I 've just finished a six week class I 'll probably write more about later . It 's an " anger management " class , though most people who are acquainted with me and hear that , can 't imagine why I would take such a class . The truth is , I felt very out of place , but I needed to be there and I did learn some things from the class , the most relevant of which , at this moment , is the importance of taking care of one 's self first and foremost . The fact is , there are people who will read this who will wish they hadn 't . ( Some of those people are unwelcome here and should have stopped reading , should have " unsubscribed " from the e - mails , as soon as they read Reclamation . They lack either self respect , or a shred of human decency , or a combination of the two , and therefore , continue to receive and read these posts in their e - mails . I can 't be bothered to concern myself with such people and their reactions . ) The fear which I had to face was the idea of someone who matters thinking less of me for what I 've had to say . The act of writing this post is me over - coming that fear . It 's a step in the right direction . Standard | Posted in Gay Stuff . . . Again , Gay Stuff . . . I Think , Life , Stuff , Stupid People , Tattoos | Tagged Anger Management , fear , Happy Ending , Massage , Piercing , Prince Albert Piercing , Tattoos , The Guy | 1 Comment I 'm not even sure if I had decided on this when I wrote my last post , but I am now on vacation not to return to work until Monday , August 30 , 2010 . I put in my request to my manager for my vacation and he approved it and then sent me an e - mail telling me that he wanted me to be very involved in this month - long event in September that would require me to do all my planning and purchasing and compiling in half the time that everyone else has to get ready , all the while dealing with the group who is actually hosting the event but didn 't want to share any of their information . It came down to the wire , but I believe I have everything ready now … I hope . If not , I 'll have two days when I get back to work to take care of it . No pressure there . I never made it to the gym all of last week , with the pressure I had to have my work in order before my vacation . I was surprised to see how much I missed that . I have to admit that while there was so much pressure and trepidation about the locker room when I first started going during the day , I now enjoy it and having a break from my work while I take care of myself . Except for last week , I have been more consistent with going to the gym since I started the mid - day routine than ever before . And I even enjoy taking a shower in the locker room there . It 's a refresher in the middle of the work - day and it 's liberating to have gotten over my fears . ( Plus it saves on my water bill at home . ) On Friday , I did finally take a little break from the work craziness to have coffee with my friend John ( John H ) . Saturday was laundry day and Sunday I hung out with Lil ' B . It was still rather chilly and I had designs on going to the movies . We haven 't yet seen Cats and Dogs : The Revenge of Kitty Galore . I 'm a BIG kid and I love those kinds of movies so I 've been looking forward to it since I saw the first previews . When I arrived at Lil ' B 's house I asked him what he wanted to do that day and he said , " Miniature Golf . " Hmmm . OK . So we went to play miniature golf while I was dressed / prepared for a chilly movie theater . Green " painters " pants ( green pants with deliberately laid out paint spots on the front ) and a black t - shirt . The jean jacket got left in the car . There was no sun screen . One of these days I 'll learn to bring along the sun screen just in case . The weather was actually quite nice where the mini - golf place was . After I dropped Lil ' B off , I went over to my friends John H and John M 's house . I think it 's cute that they both are named John , but John H says they always know who is being addressed . ( I have to admit that I once had a passing crush on a guy named Kevin and thought it would 've been funny if we 'd ended up together . Then again , I was also engaged to a girl named Kerri and she thought it was " too sweet " that we would be Kevin and Kerri . She meant " too sweet " in a bad way . ) The John 's and I had a wonderful dinner of Baked Ziti and Sourdough bread with an incredible blueberry and cherry tart that " John threw together while I was in the shower , " John H told me . I left at about 10 : 30 and called it a night . One of my objectives for this time off work is to get my body clock back on a decent schedule . If I plan to continue to go to the gym during the work day and still work 8 - ish hours , I 've got to do better about getting to work " on time - ish " , especially on class days . So I wasn 't too dismayed by having scheduled DirecTV to come and install new service at my house " between 8 and noon " on Monday . Much to Mischa 's dismay , I pretty much went straight to bed when I got home and got up at 7 : 30 Monday morning . Not early enough , but it was a start . I won 't spend too much time harping on this , but DirecTV quite successfully managed to turn me from being a big fan / major proponent of their service to a stark hater who will tell everyone I ever meet ( where the subject comes up ) NEVER TO USE DIRECTV SERVICES , EVAR ! ! Very quickly , I was a DirecTV customer for 5 years and canceled my service 6 months ago in favor of AT & T U - verse because of cost . I don 't really love the AT & T product and will still maintain that the actual product offered by DirecTV is better , but I will never use them again . Three years ago when I moved into my current home , the same day as my downstairs neighbors in this duplex moved in , I had the DirecTV service installed . My installer had been here and at work for about an hour before another installer showed up to do the installation for my downstairs neighbors . The two installers made the determination that they could provide both of us with service using only one satellite dish and splitting the signal between the two units . This made everyone ( most of all , our landlady ) happy . I explained this set - up to the operator when I placed the order to re - instate my service and he said it was great . When the installer showed up here on Monday , at 11 : 55 he informed me that he could not do this but instead he had to install a second dish on the house . I told him that was not an option and he said he couldn 't do what I was asking . After speaking with the installer , and his supervisor , via telephone , and then a dispatcher in his office , I got conflicting answers about code regulations and DirecTV policy ( the installation company is a third party ) and various other , conflicting and contradictory reasons . Finally I called DirecTV directly and after explaining my situation six times and being told that they needed to transfer me to " The right department " I finally got one very pleasant young lady who took the time to investigate properly . After 52 minutes on the phone with DirecTV I was informed that they absolutely can do what I 'm asking them to do , but that it 's at the discretion of the installation tech whether he will do it . The best advice she could give me was that I should call the installer back and tell them this . I was waiting for a call from a supervisor from that company anyway and when it hadn 't come in over 90 minutes ( I told them I needed a call " right away " about what they planned to do because " my entire day is now on hold waiting for you " ) I called them again . I called the install company back and was disconnected right after they answered the phone . I called again and the phone rang twice and then there was nothing but static and crackling on the line . I called a third time and got an answer but the person sounded like he was across the room from the phone and the static and crackling were still there . I explained that I was expecting a call from the supervisor and he insisted on knowing what it was about before sending my information on . I explained the information I had gotten from DirecTV to him and then he seemed to disappear for a moment . When he came back I couldn 't understand what he was saying and the best I could come up with was that he was e - mailing the supervisor this information . After giving the operator an earful about how horrible their service is , how terrible their phone system is and how they 're making me question my decision to come back to DirecTV I told him that I expected the call from the supervisor within one hour . If I did not hear from him within one our I was going to cancel my order . When one hour ended , I called DirecTV back for one sole purpose . I explained my entire situation , yet again , to " the right person " and I explained to her that I was just about finished . I told her that I was calling to cancel my order , but before I did , I wanted to give them one last - ditch opportunity to try to save my business , because based on my own experiences , I was of the opinion that DirecTV has the best product on the market and I had once been a satisfied DirecTV customer . She confirmed that everything I had been told was true but that it is up to the install company whether they would do it . She said that she could not order them to do the install the way I wanted . I made it very clear that if they didn 't I was going to cancel my order and she wasn 't going to budge . Finally , I said , " OK , well then let me give you my order number so you can cancel my order . " Without a flinch , or a hint of apology , she said , " Sure ! " and put me on hold . A few minutes later she came back , told me the order was canceled and asked if there was anything else she could do for me . I said , " No ! I 'm just really disappointed to find that you don 't care any more than that to keep your customers . " Again , without an apology she said , " OK , have a nice day . " The one bright point to that story is that while I was waiting for the installer and arguing with the people on the phone , I also made a huge dent in the mess that is my apartment . I went through a bunch of papers and disposed of what I could , separating the rest to be filed away ( which I still need to do ) . I did a little bit of organizing and putting stuff away . I really made a good start . Unfortunately , I haven 't been able to get started again since . Tuesday , I got up with a plan . I was out of bed by 6 : 45 . I spent the morning , taking care of some computer stuff I needed to do , while mentally planning my day . I was going to leave home by 10 : 30 to go to the gym , spend 45 minutes doing cardio , take a shower ( I wanted to compare the locker room and showers to the gym by my office ) and then head toward my therapists office in Berkeley for our 2 : 00 appointment , getting lunch along the way . I got a late start leaving for the gym . I was all ready to go when … My coffee kicked in . There are few things I hate more than pooping at the gym so I was late heading out . I got to the gym at about 12 : 20 and by the time I found a locker , and unpacked my gym bag , I really only had about 20 minutes for my cardio before I had to take my shower . I went back into the locker room at about 1 : 05 and was dressed and leaving the gym by 1 : 30 . When I got into the car , I noticed I had a voice mail on my cell phone . It was Deb , wondering where I was since I was 15 minutes late for our 1 : 00 appointment . I called her back , but of course there was no way I was going to arrive before our hour was up . I mentioned something to her about how I had it at 1 : 00 in my calendar , but in my mind it was " at our regular time of 2 : 00 . " She pointed out that 1 : 00 is our regular time , which , of course , it is … Vacation brain fart ! One hundred dollars down the drain . I headed to Berkeley anyway , because I had other plans for after our appointment . After a quick stop off at Taco Bell , I went to the tattoo shop where I got my last piece done to look through their books for inspiration and to ask about piercing . They don 't do piercing and I didn 't find any inspiration in their books , but they did refer me to another tattoo shop a mile up the street that does piercing , and with only a minimal amount of trepidation , and after many months ( years ) of consideration , I had this done : The upper one . Obviously my lobe has been done for a while . They said this will take 2 - 3 months to heal , but once it does , I 'll replace the stud with some sort of hoop . The piercing itself really didn 't hurt , despite what I 'd been told by some . It was a little more tender after I left the shop , a kind of delayed reaction , but that didn 't really last all that long and then it was fine . It 's a little ouchy while doing the cleaning routine , but for the most part I can 't even feel it , unless I bump it accidentally ( doesn 't even hurt to lie on it at night . Even the back of the post doesn 't poke into my head , which I thought it would . ) Today , I - Well , I ended up sort of wasting the day . I got up at 6 : 30 and putted around the house for a while , taking care of social networking stuff and doing my daily Fish Wrangler tournament . I watched an episode of Glee and then I headed out around 10 : 00 for a … personal grooming appointment … followed by a small amount of shopping and lunch . Even less shopping than I had planned since I had the good sense to check the status of my checking account before I spent too much money . Several years ago now , my friend Michelle and I were at Six Flags Marine World ( it 's now known as Discovery Kingdom ) for an o ' dark thirty live broadcast of my favorite morning radio show in celebration of the fourth of July . Up to this point I had alway held on to my steadfast belief indoctrination that tattoos were evil and only heathens and ingrates have them . I never had any use for them , and I didn 't see the point in getting temporary ones that represent the same evilness that permanent tattoos represent , and that are just going to wash off anyway . Michelle on the other hand , had gotten temporary tattoos a few times , just for fun . After a minute , I decided to go for it and got a fairly generic black panther tattoo painted on the back of my left calf . When it was over and we walked away , Michelle looked at it and said , " That 's cool . It would be cool if it were real . " I laughed at her and scoffed at the idea . But I looked at it several times while it was still in tact and the more I looked at it the more I liked it and didn 't want it to fade away . I started looking at designs wondering if I could ever really do that to myself , thinking this was never really going to go anywhere . But the more I thought about it the more I wanted to do it and the more I could imagine it being real . A friend of Michelle 's told her of a place in Vallejo , California where she had gone and gotten a tattoo . Her tattoo was , apparently , very good and wasn 't terribly expensive . Two important factors in my mind . We checked the place out and at first I was a little put off . It 's a rundown shop with every wall covered with tattoo " splash sheets " ( go figure , what did I expect to find ? ) There were some really raunchy , horrible tattoos on the walls , but I realized that 's to be expected and I just looked the other way . After a couple of visits and conversations with the owner , I decided to bite the bullet . He set me up with a young , but talented artist he said was his best guy . One Saturday afternoon five years ago , I went to the shop , nervous as heck and shaking a bit , but determined to see it through , and I left with this on the outside of my left calf : I have to admit that it was an incredible experience . It wasn 't nearly as painful as I imagined it would be . Don 't get me wrong , it hurts , but it 's not like you expect and when it 's over , like so many things , you don 't really remember the pain so much , and you 've got something to show for it . I also found the experience to be strangely erotic . If I was honest , and I usually am , I became quite aroused during the process . I was totally hooked . K told me that people would ask me , " what 's the significance ? " and I needed to have an answer . She turned out to be right . At my Grandfather 's 90th Surprise Birthday party a few weeks later , my cousin asked me what it meant and I told her it didn 't really mean anything , I just liked it and wanted to get it . She said , " Panther 's can be like , a sign of power . Just tell people that . " As I said , I was hooked , and about 18 months later , I went back to the same shop , to the same artist with an idea . It was Saturday afternoon . He asked me when I was thinking of getting it and when I told him I wasn 't sure , he told me that Friday was his last day because he was moving away . In retrospect , I might have waited if I 'd thought about it . When it healed it needed to be touched up and he wasn 't around to do it , but I liked his work and I wanted the ink so that Friday after work , I went back and I left with this on the inside of my right arm , just below the bend in my elbow : Recently , my doctor asked me to do a fasting blood test and as the phlebotomist was sitting there taking my blood she studied the tattoo . To be fair to her , she was sitting to my right and I was facing to the side . She saw my tattoo from the left side of this picture . She complimented me on the tattoo , said the colors were pretty and then said , " It 's a turkey ? " Um … . A good two years past before I got another . I was jonesing for a long time and even after I knew what I was going to get I didn 't know where to go . Permanent ink on your body is not something you want to let just anybody do . You want someone who does good work and it 's usually good to have the recommendation of someone who 's already been . This time , Michelle 's sister Monique wanted to come and watch . She claims she wants a tattoo , but she 's scared . She thinks the pain is going to be unbearable . I told her to come along so she could watch the process and see how I do . I sat calmly under the needle and waited while he applied the ink . I winced a couple of times , but not because the application hurt so much . It did hurt , but not terribly . The guy who did my third ( but not final ) tattoo was clearly hard of hearing , from head banging or spending so much time with a tattoo gun in his hand , I do not know . He tended to shout and more than a few times his loud voice , mere inches from my ear , hurt my ears far more than the needles hurt my skin . Now the problem is , it 's been two and a half years since I got that tattoo and I 'm jonesing for another one . But I have no idea what I want . I want something with lots of vibrant color in it , but that 's about as much as I 've figured out . So that 's where we stand ; itchin ' and clueless . But I 'll think of something … So this week - end was what I refer to as Laundry Week - end , what with how I do two weeks worth of laundry over at Michelle 's apartment on Saturday . I like a name that tells you what it is . Because I 'm doing two weeks worth of laundry , I 'm hauling two very full hampers worth of laundry into her apartment , and because she 's * never nice enough to help , I have to do it in two trips . Michelle 's apartment is on the backside of her building so I have to cross the parking lot and then go to the opposite end of the breezeway to get to her door . The complex is pet friendly , but I thought they discouraged dogs . I 've noticed recently that there seem to be more and more small dogs around in the neighborhood , including at Michelle 's building . As of this week - end , three of the four balconies that face the parking lot around her breezeway have dogs living in the attached apartments . As I crossed the parking lot and walked up the path toward the breezeway the dog in the ground floor apartment on my left poked his head through the blinds on the sliding glass door and started barking at me , all menacing and tough - like . And by menacing and tough - like , I mean the dog was pocket sized and not even remotely intimidating . I looked at him , laughed and said , " Ooo . Tough guy ! " I don 't know if it was the dog barking , or me talking that attracted the attention , but just as I took the two inch step up to the next level of sidewalk , I heard barking coming from the right . I turned and looked to see the dog in the apartment on the second floor , on my right , out on the balcony and had stuck his little curly head between the bars on the railing and started barking at me , as well . My last thought as I mounted the two steps up to the breezeway was " Oh , Stereo ! " I proceeded down the hall to Michelle 's door and went in to drop off my first load . " That 's OK . I 've got it all , " I called out , more out of tradition than any vain attempt to guilt or shame . " OK " she replied from behind the closed bathroom door . She has long since made it clear that she 's not going to feel guilty for not helping me carry my stuff in . I headed back out to the car for the second load and noted on the way out that the dog inside the ground floor apartment had lost interest . The dog upstairs was still watching but had ceased barking at me . After retrieving my second hamper I crossed the sidewalk in front of the path to Michelle 's building , several feet in front of a young to middle aged Asian couple strolling up the sidewalk . As I headed up the path , I noticed that the upstairs dog was still watching me , so I watched him … … And forgot about the two inch step up in the path . I caught the tip of my right big toe on the edge of the sidewalk . The velocity of my steps propelled me forward and the weight of my full hamper pulled me down . People talk about such things and talk about it being like it happened in slow motion … People lie ! OK , maybe they don 't lie , but that 's not what happened to me . I went down fast and I went down hard . In this picture , note the band - aid on my right big toe . When my toe hit the step , it went down below the step , and the top of the toe rubbed against the concrete removing the skin from there as well . So , as if it weren 't bad enough having my pants legs ( I can 't wear shorts to work , naturally ) rubbing against the leg injuries , every pair of work appropriate shoes I own presses right on that part of my big toe as I walk . It only took a matter of seconds for me to turn over and stand up again and do you know , that Asian couple didn 't even acknowledge anything had happened . No offers of assistance ( which , granted , I would have declined ) . No inquiries as to my well being . It didn 't even seem as though they had looked my way to see what the commotion had been . ( People suck . ) Four or five years ago , when I was considering my first tattoo but was afraid of how much it would hurt , I asked K about them . She told me , " It 's kinda of like having road rash . " I thought , well that 's not nearly as bad as I feared . ( Never mind that I hadn 't had road rash in twenty years . ) I can now attest that K was wrong ! This is so much worse than any tattoo " pain " I 've ever had . And I had something to show for the tattoo pain ! * Every once in a while , Michelle actually does help bring my stuff in , but not usually . To be fair , though , she moves her car out of her assigned parking space so that I can park there when I arrive , instead of having to park way far away in an unassigned spot with all my stuff . There 's a connection however , the few times she has helped me bring my stuff in , it 's been because she hasn 't moved her car yet and wants me to follow her as she parks down the hill and then drive her back to her building .
|
My flight partner and I knew each other well . In fact , we had learned that we were born on the same day - November 7 , 1945 . She was named Marcia Kathleen ( Kathy ) and I was Marcia Darlene . We worked well together . Kathy was serving coffee in the aisle . With a tray holding cream and sugar in one hand and the coffee server in the other , she didn 't have a free hand to latch onto anything . She said that her feet hit the ceiling along with the coffee , which rained down on the passengers beneath . I grabbed the handle of the parked liquor cart , which probably weighed 200 pounds , and in spite of our combined weight , the cart and I rose at least eight inches before setting back down . Fortunately , the passengers were fastened in their seats . Otherwise we would have had a lot of extra trouble . The second officer is responsible for a " go around " in which he goes through the cabin and walks down on the tarmac to inspect the exterior . When he finished , he returned to the galley , where we were setting up for the flight . With a puzzled look on his face , he asked , " That older gentleman standing in the aisle back there , is he half - crocked or something ? " " When I went back there he asked me if I wanted some coffee , which was strange as it was . I said , ' No , ' and he said , ' Well , if you do , it 's up there . ' Then he pointed to the ceiling . " Kathy came out of the galley and joined our conversation . " Oh , " she said , " That was the guy who was sitting around where the coffee hit the ceiling and rained down on everything . There wasn 't anything anybody could do about it . " The next week we were in the galley when the turbulence hit again . I grabbed hold of the counter railing , and watched as the coffee in my cup made a nice arc through the air and landed on the first flight attendant . I was very apologetic , but of course it wasn 't my fault . You never know when turbulence is going to hit . Posted on January 19 , 2015 by A . K . Carroll The small , elegant dress shop where my mother worked making alterations was about to close for the day . I sat by a long mirror on one of the pale green slipper chairs as I waited for her to finish tidying up for the day . Wind and rain blew into the shop as Mammy 's coworker , umbrella at the ready , said goodbye and left for the day . Bewley 's Café on Dublin 's fashionable Grafton St . was cozy and inviting . We slid into a corner nook and placed our orders . The aroma of roasting coffee and baked goods filled the air . Her workday was long and hard . She described some of the haughty ladies she had to satisfy with dress alterations , and how her bunions hurt . My mind went searching for solutions . " My dear you will need a good warm coat there in January - I hear it is awfully cold . I can loan you some money and you can pay me back later . This sad country just does not have much to offer young people these days - sure it 's a vale of tears , " Mammy said . " Thanks " I said . I knew she was feeling sad at the thought of saying goodbye to me once again . But she would never hold on to us for selfish reasons . I was wearing my new grey wool coat when I said goodbye to my mother at Dublin airport for the second time . As I went to the plane , a news photographer from the Evening Herald snapped my picture - Mammy sent me a copy from the newspaper later . I took the window seat so I could shed my tears and look down on the patchwork of green beauty below . As I left this beautiful land that had held such love and misery for me , I reflected on my mother 's unselfish courage and generosity of spirit . I felt torn between two worlds . Back in New York I slept on my sister 's living room couch and went looking for a job , post haste . As luck would have it , I found a job at an advertising agency down around UN Plaza . The office manager , an unfriendly older lady , was very demanding and I did everything I could to learn the advertising business . Connecting up with old friends on the weekend , I headed out to a dance where I met a charming , tall and good - looking man with piercing brown eyes that seemed to see into my soul . His name was Richard : Good manners blended with an educated mind were impressive to this just - off - the - boat immigrant . Authors ' names like Joyce and Keats rolled off his tongue . I was impressed . After a few dates , I realized he was a troubled soul . He wanted to argue with everyone he met . His heated arguments about religion and the shooting of President Kennedy were constant and out of line . I told him I would not be able to see him again , but he would not take " no " for an answer . He called on the phone at all hours of the night and arrived at the apartment wanting to come inside . My girlfriends advised me to call the police or move out . I warned my friends not to give Richard any information about my whereabouts . Someone gave him my work number . " I didn 't think he would find you , " she said later . She didn 't know Richard as well as I did . I was typing away at my desk when the phone rang . The office manager was speaking to someone . I heard her giving directions to the office , the business hours , etc . My heart started to pound . It was my first week on the job , the manager was looking at me and I just knew it was Richard on the other end . When she got off the phone , I told her I was trying to avoid this guy , but could not get rid of him . Suddenly , the door opened , and there was Richard with a broad smile on his face . " Just see me one last time , " he demanded . Next thing , the door opened and my two big bosses came in . I begged Richard to leave . He left . But I knew he would be outside . I confided in the office manager , who understood my fear and promised to stay with me after work . He was outside when we left to go home . Sitting on a bench at The UN Plaza , I tried to convince him to leave . My manager told him she would call the cops if he refused to leave me alone . He left . I took the bus home to Queens . As I was walking down the street to the apartment , I turned around and looked back at the elevated train track . Richard was watching me . He started running , and by the time I got to the apartment building he was there . Luckily , two neighbors came home from work and convinced him I did not want to be bothered . They stayed outside with me until he decided to leave . Two Irish friends , Colette and Deirdre knew of my dilemma and invited me to join them on a bus trip across country . Their plan was to hit Chicago , Denver , and Salt Lake City , staying at a YWCA or other hostels along the way . I felt this was an opportunity to put many miles between Richard and myself . Digging deep to find the courage to move out west , I reflected back on my mother 's courage and perseverance . My journey was nothing compared with hers - surviving a truly bad marriage with our alcoholic father and working as a seamstress every day to keep the roof over our heads . She always encouraged her children to forge better lives for themselves . All my earthly goods were in a small brown suitcase . We traveled light on a Continental Trailways bus , using the lockers at bus stations to store our suitcases as we found a place for the night . First stop Chicago , then Denver . In Denver I asked a cowboy if I could have my picture taken with him . I had never seen a real cowboy before . In the picture I am wearing my Irish sweater and my tartan kilt skirt . He was happy to pose with three Irish colleens , and we were starting to love the open spaces and beauty of the west . When we stopped in Salt Lake City , Utah we viewed the Mormon Temple but could not find a bar to save our souls . Deirdre and Colette were both from Dublin . Deirdre was a typical Irish colleen with fair complexion and striking red curly hair . Colette was a leader who kept us out of trouble . We hit the town south of Market Street the first day and night , picked up the San Francisco Chronicle and found a place to stay . It turned out to be a seedy hotel where we pulled the covers over our heads to keep from hearing the noise going on behind the bedroom wall . We bought a map of the city and discovered Herb Caen 's column in the Chronicle . Herb 's column was where I went every morning to learn all about life in San Francisco . We found a one bedroom , one bathroom with a living room with a pull - out couch at 757 Sutter Street . It was fully furnished and had a little kitchen in a good area of town . Colette opted to sleep on the couch , giving Deirdre and me the two single beds . We picked up our food from the hot counter at Manning 's cafeteria and stuffed our bags with the leftover food and a fork or two . Our landlady lived one floor up . She regularly met us in the hall and asked about our welfare and how we were settling in . On one of those occasions , she asked us if we would have time to escort a business - man or two to dinner or a show - nothing more . Sure , we said . I soon found out that the business - man who took me to dinner at the Fairmont Hotel had plans for a much longer evening . He was very nice and warned me to stay away from the landlady , who was really a madam . It was time to find respectable work . Deirdre found a job at the Irish Tourist Board , Colette got a job at Spreckles Sugar and I landed a clerical position in the accounting department at P & O Orient Lines , a British shipping company . Typing and clerical work combined with a pleasant attitude got us in the door . Hard work , no money and nowhere else to turn kept us on the job . We were all within walking distance of work . Deirdre 's eye - sight was not the best . One morning she and I were walking down Post Street and I looked down at her feet . She was wearing one brown shoe and one black one . Fifty years later , I still remember how we laughed . Colette met George at a dance . Then Deirdre met Don at the Irish Tourist Board ( he was returning to Ireland for good ) . They were both dating when I met Larry at the Sir Francis Drake Hotel . We Irish girls were not messing around . We came to San Francisco in April 1964 and were all married by the end of December . I was the last to marry on December 26 , 1964 . George , Larry and Don named our little apartment " The 757 Club . " We were on the same block as Trader Vics and the Fleur De Lis restaurants . We cooked dinner for them on weekends , making Irish stew with lots of potatoes and gravy . Colette made the jello for dessert . We didn 't always do what our mothers instilled in us , but we sure knew the best way to a man 's heart was through his stomach . Posted on December 31 , 2014 by A . K . Carroll Wednesday , December 10th , the participants of the Fall 2014 session of Document Your Life Story took part in the course 's first public reading . Pieces were prepared , chairs were set up and a table was laid with celebratory goodies . Members of the SMC and Lamorinda area filed in to hear engaging and meaningful stories from the personal lives of four very special women . I hardly believed that any of them were reading their own work for the first time . Each read with such poise and confidence , I was totally wowed . It has been an honor to get to know these writers and I will miss them greatly in the coming months . Another section of Document Your Life Story will be offered Spring of 2015 . The date of the first class is TBD , but will likely be sometime mid - February . Contact Lafayette Senior Services for more information on signing up for the course . Posted on December 8 , 2014 by A . K . Carroll It must have been instinct that told me geometry would get me nowhere growing up female in 1958 . I kept hearing typing class was a lot of fun and I had an inkling I was destined to become a secretary anyway . My school counselor had already informed me that test results showed I had skills needed for teaching and nursing . Back then neither of us knew all high school testing was skewed to show that female students scored high in those two categories . Miss Beaton , who was also my P . E . teacher , was of the opinion I wasn 't suited for either occupation . She believed I was ' too undisciplined to teach " , and ' too sensitive , emotionally , for nursing " . Hollywood insisted secretarial work was very glamorous and the best way to snag a husband with a good income . Why , who could forget " Three Coins in a Fountain " ? It turned out that typing class wasn 't all that easy . Some of the girls were amazingly adept . I was moderately successful . Always inclined to be tidy , I was good with business letters . However , my brain and hands never coordinated well - still don 't - under heavy scrutiny or pressure . The typing instructor was a colorless woman who never smiled . We girls referred to her as " Gloria " which was , indeed , her first name . She was a spinster and I think everyone called her a prune - only because we didn 't know anything about lesbians in 1958 . Her front teeth were slightly crooked and she had a prominent lisp which only fed our immature , insensitive attitude toward her . I tried hard to please Gloria and felt as though I was fairly successful until one morning when we were doing timed writings . We had three minutes to type a test and see how far we could get before Gloria called " time ! " Limp white sheets of typing paper were handed out . Gloria announced we should start typing from the top of page 78 in our typing texts . I sat with feet on the floor , back perfectly straight , elbows tucked in , eyes on my book , never the typewriter . I was ready to fly through the exercise . " Start " , Gloria commanded . I typed furiously , hesitating only on those few numbers I 'm still unable to find without cheating and looking at the keys . " Bing ! " went the timer . Did I mention I was sitting in the middle row , right in front of Gloria 's desk ? She had been standing over me for the entire timed writing , but my eyes had never left page 78 of my typing book . I heaved a sigh of relief certain I had done a decent job . " Janet , " Gloria announced while wringing her hands , " that is definitely not good for the platen . " Everyone turned to look at me . Wide eyed , I looked at the typewriter roller - in horror . I know my face crumpled , but I didn 't cry . I had managed to type the entire three minute timed writing without any paper in my typewriter . No one laughed . Out of fear the entire class was silent . Gloria walked to the front of the room and leaned her head against the chalk board . " Class dismissed , " she groaned . That particular day at school felt as rotten as the time I accidently dropped a hot soufflé onto the Home Ec kitchen floor just as my teacher rounded the corner , slipping and falling - not only bruising , but scalding her rear . Clearly the soufflé incident was more egregious than not having typing paper . I hadn 't caused any physical harm , but a year later the local news announced Gloria had committed suicide . She lived alone and it was a few days before anyone found her . Still a teen , her death had a huge impact on me . I worried I had contributed to her unhappiness and felt sorry I had done nothing to brighten even one of her days . I 've never forgotten Gloria . I sometimes laugh about that paperless typing test , but I also recognize now how she helped shape my life . I managed to put my husband through two college degrees with my typing skills . I held many jobs that depended on my ability to type . And I still spend an awful lot of time typing - on a computer , of course . Why , if I couldn 't type all these childhood memories what would I do with them ? They would just stay bottled up inside my head and I might not experience the joy of sharing them . Posted on December 1 , 2014 by A . K . Carroll Last Spring I emailed my daughters suggesting that when Deanna came home for her summer vacation from Poland , the three of us should rent a house in South Lake Tahoe for a couple of days . We could celebrate our upcoming birthdays : Stephanie 's birthday in August , my birthday in September , and Deanna 's birthday in October . What I really wanted was time with my girls away from telephones , schedules , and friends . Just the three of us . Stephanie immediately said , " That 's great ! I 'll finally get to see you play 21 at Harrah 's . " Ever since I told her about the summer of my 21st birthday , during which I dealt 21 at Harrah 's , she had wanted to see her mom play the game . I had never gambled when I worked there or ever , for that matter , so this was going to be a quick sit down just for Stephanie 's benefit . The two of us walked through Harrah 's and started to sit at a 21 table when we noticed that the minimum bet was ten dollars per hand . Too rich for us ! We walked across the street to Harvey 's , where the minimum was five dollars . We sat down and played a few hands of 21 and basically came out even . This was a Tuesday afternoon . The craps table was almost empty , with only about five people around it . I quickly learned that ' crapping out ' is when a person rolls a seven , which is the most readily available combination of dice . It didn 't take long for these gamblers to ' crap out ' , so the play quickly went around the table two times , with each person throwing the dice two , three or four times before losing their turn . Once Stephanie lost her turn a second time , she declared to me , " The next time the dice comes around , you are going to take your turn . " There was a married man , about my age , on my right who looked like he knew what he was doing . I asked for instructions on dice throwing . He showed me how to flick my wrists with the dice , keeping them low so they wouldn 't bounce out of the table at the other end onto the floor . Apparently that is a no no . Also , the dice need to hit the back lip of the table so there has to be enough force to get them there , but not too much force or over the table they fly . The ' lip ' on the side of the table was about armpit high , so just getting my arm over and then not too far down near the table top - another no no - was awkward . I felt like I should be standing on a booster block . I started rolling . Stephanie started putting down five - dollar bets , while getting some finer points on betting from nearby players . I rolled and I rolled . Every once in a while I would hear a roar from my fellow gamblers . The table started filling in and then people were two deep watching , feeling and contributing to the excitement . Hands flew up while yells of ' Yay ' came from the crowd . " What happened , what happened ? " I asked . " What did I roll ? " I hit my number , which I was beginning to understand was a good thing . I think everyone won when I did this . At least everyone was excited , so I assumed that they all won . Stephanie told me that the married man who taught me how to roll was betting against me . I decided not to let that bother me . There was a twenty - something year old Asian man to the left of us who was betting larger twenty - five - dollar chips , betting with me . At one point he said , " If you roll a five right now , I 'll give you $ 250 . Didn 't happen , but at least I didn 't roll a seven , so I was still in the game . Eventually a casino employee showed up with a large tray of chips to replenish the table . " Look , the table has run out of chips , " I said . I was told that it was more likely that the pit boss was trying to change the rhythm of play and hopefully break my streak . " Shhhh , be quiet , keep rolling ! " We had had a nice lunch with a beer and I was feeling the late afternoon affects . It felt like nap time , but I kept rolling . Once again the young Asian man to our left said , " If you roll a four right now , I 'll give you $ 300 . 00 . " I didn 't roll that four , but I did hit my number three more times , which made the crowd very happy . I am sure you could hear the boisterous yelling all over the first floor of Harvey 's . Stephanie kept betting conservatively , while the young man 's chip pile got bigger and bigger . Stephanie , ever the cheerleader , started clapping and yelling , " Yay for mom ! Yay for mom ! " Everyone at the table joined in clapping and yelling and mouthing their thank yous . They had all been winners ; even the guy who had been betting against me had finally started betting with me and won . The next roller was Stephanie . She rolled twice before crapping out . At that point we had been at the club much longer than we had told Deanna that we 'd be gone . Stephanie pushed our chips toward the dealer to indicate that we were done . " Ahh , come on , give us a chance to get even , " he said . Stephanie looked at him and said , " Are you kidding me ? " Off we went to cash in our chips , which turned out to be worth over four hundred dollars . Not bad . When we turned around from cashing in , the young Asian better was behind us . He asked , " Do you know how rare it is to hit four of your numbers ? " We had no idea . He excitedly exclaimed , " One in a million ! " His winnings ? Fourteen hundred dollars ! And no , he did not share any of his good fortune with us . " To see Kenya has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember . Now that you and your brother Tony are all grown up and I 'm alone , I feel drawn to Africa . The travel agent has worked with me , helping me use my air miles , and finding the very best trip for a widow traveling alone , " I assured her . Everything would be fine . Landing in Nairobi in October , 1994 , I began to have second thoughts about my decision . Maybe I am biting off more than I can chew , I thought . What if I get sick or even die ? What if the kids are right and I disrupt their lives due to this dream of mine ? The airport looked shabby and everyone was coal black . I wondered , would I understand the language ? Fear took over . Then , right in front of me stood a tall , handsome , African man . " You must be Joan ; I 'm John from Abercrombie & Kent . I will get your luggage and take you to the bus , " he said . His dark grey well - tailored suit displayed the A & K name tag with John 's name on it . His English and communication skills put me at ease . Now I could begin to relax and enjoy the experience . On the bus , John introduced me to the three American couples that would join me on the trip . Everyone seemed very enthused except for one man , Mr . Negative . He informed all of us , " The only reason I 'm here is because my wife wanted to see Africa . " I took the front seat in the van next to the tour guide . " Didn 't your husband want to see Africa ? " she questioned . " He would have loved to , " I replied , " but he died a year ago from lung cancer at age fifty eight . " Silence reigned in the back as the newly acquainted travelers searched for something to say . I took a deep breath and swallowed hard . Someone in the back made a comment about courage , which went over my head . After a night in a hotel in Nairobi , we flew in a small plane to Amboseli . The next day we went out in a Land Rover type vehicle to view herds of elephants on a preserve . We stopped along a grassy area and were asked to be quiet out of respect for the animals , as a very large herd approached . The lead elephant , a female , stopped in her tracks , looked into our eyes and refused to continue until the driver backed the vehicle out of their path . Her message was : this land is mine . Flying over the Great Rift Valley on the way to the Masai Mara , we could see great herds of wildebeest on the march for water . Viewed from the air , they reminded me of ants . When we got closer to the Masai Mara , an occasional spot of red and some cattle appeared on the ground . The spot of red was a Masai herder watching his flock . The Masai , a very tall regal people , greeted us . We were treated to native dancing and a craft show in their round house , which was made of dung and straw and large enough to hold fifty people . I noticed a little boy who was half clad with bare feet and a snotty nose . Flies flew around him . Oh , how I wished I could take him home and give him a bath . As we left the round house and took the path for the bus , the little boy walked up to Mr . Negative , took his hand and gave him a big snotty smile . Waving goodbye from the bus , Mr . Negative turned to us and with tears in his eyes said , " That little boy was the highlight of my trip to Africa . If I live to be 100 , I will never forget him . He made this whole trip worthwhile . " Next stop , Nanuki . Flying over the dry savannah we saw an occasional acacia tree giving shade to a few wild animals . The tour guide pointed to a heard of African antelope , known as eland , taking shelter . Our next stop was the Mount Kenya Safari Club . This luxury hotel at the foot of Mt . Kenya promised experiences one could only dream about . Along the road to the Mount Kenya Safari Club , I saw coffee plantations and an occasional village of painted huts , some with galvanized roofs . Children played outside among the colorful clothing hanging on the lines to dry . With my nose pressed against the van window I saw a woman who was carrying a huge bale of wood on her back . Bent over almost in half , she put one foot in front of the other as the road rose in front of her . " She is collecting wood to build a fire to cook the food for her family , " the guide replied rather matter - of - factly . " I wish she could have a bike to carry all that wood , " I said to no one in particular . " These people can 't even afford a wheelbarrow ! " the guide replied . The hotel was luxurious . Mount Kenya was snow capped and majestic . We were greeted at the entrance with a cool fruit drink while the guide registered the group . I was escorted to my own cottage by a nice soft - spoken gentleman wearing a brown uniform . I wanted to tip him but did not understand the exchange rate . I pulled out a bill , which , when I saw the look on his face , I realized it was much too little . Later he knocked on the door around 4 : 00 pm with a cup of tea and biscuits . By this time , I had figured out the exchange rate and was able to give him a decent tip . " I will be back in a little while with wood to light the fire in the fireplace . Don 't miss the sun as it sets behind the mountain , " he offered . This is really being spoiled , I thought . He came back and lit the fire . I settled in with my cup of tea . All alone with no one to share the moment , I watched the smoke and flames rise as the picture of the poor soul trudging up the road , bent under the bale of wood , filled my heart with sadness . Her image was all I could see in the flames . My tears could not change her life in this vast country , where life seemed so unfair . When the sun went down , the night skies were very black . A buffet table displayed an array of salads and fruit to choose from . I took a seat at the table with our tour guide and another couple and enjoyed the meal , the wine , and the talk about what we had seen and what was to come . A guide with a flashlight helped me back to my cottage after dinner . Animal sounds played like music in the night air . Mount Kenya Safari club members and many famous people from around the world finance the rescue of injured wild animals that can no longer survive in the wild . The animals are adopted , living out their lives in this great reserve where well - trained , caring staff and volunteers make them comfortable . Our next stop was The Ark in Aberdares National Park . The Ark had the feel of a tree house , overlooking a water hole and a salt lick , which were floodlit at night . The staff rang a bell in the rooms at night to let everyone know the animals were at the water . I got up and joined the other guests on the deck to watch a black rhino drinking from the pool . The next day a large stealthy leopard walked right by the window in the lounge where I sat having a drink . Amazing ! In the dark of night , on the edge of the Masai Mara with a chorus of wild animals calling out to one another , I sat outside my tent and cried like never before . I cried for the lost moments , the unshared thoughts , the love never voiced or put off for a better time , and the many things left unfinished . I had to go to deepest , darkest Africa to share my sadness with the animals . Posted on November 26 , 2014 by A . K . Carroll I was playing on the shady grass under the monkey pod tree waiting for my ride to Kohala Union Church Sunday school . I wore a blue dress with a white pinafore and sandals , which I wore only to Sunday school . Otherwise I was always barefoot . My mother came out of the house and called to me , " There won 't be any Sunday school today . Your better come in the house right now . The Japanese have bombed Pearl Harbor . " I came in , as I recognized the worry and sadness in her voice but did not understand why it was there . I didn 't know Pearl Harbor was a big Navy base close to my own island of Hawaii . My mother must have felt the way I felt on 9 / 11 / 2001 . I thought of my parents often as we experienced that shocking event and how they must have felt when Pearl Harbor was bombed . Back in the house my father was sitting very close to the floor model radio and was very attentive . My mother was busy looking for dark fabric to cover the windows in the bedroom that was to be our gathering place that night when it got dark . I gradually learned of the seriousness of what had happened but did not realize at that time how it would affect me . My parents did everything to keep me from being afraid . We gathered that night with our houseguests . My mother often had friends from Oahu visit and they would paint pictures , hook rugs , and play games . That night we played " Go , " a Japanese game for all ages . The object was to get five discs in a row on a board with squares before your opponent got theirs lined up in the same way . There was not an age or language barrier in this game . I played it for hours , most recently when I had to entertain a Czech speaking student who was living with my daughter and her husband for the summer . That night of December 7 , I was given a teddy bear that was meant to be a Christmas present three weeks early . Only nine years old , I thought it was all great fun . The next day I went to school as usual . I was taught by the mother of my two best friends , Barbara and Ellen McGillivray . Mrs . McGillivray taught the three of us in the home schooling system called Calvert School . She taught reading , writing , math , and history . My mother taught art and music . Those lessons came after we had a rest . We took a rest because my father had to get up at 4 : 30 am to get the sugar plantation workers out to the fields and he needed a rest . Christmas came and went and we mostly continued our life as before though now the war was close by . The blackouts continued and my father was a patrolman and had to check to see that no light was peeking out from people 's windows . He also served on the Draft Board . My father hired some plantation workers to dig a bomb shelter in the hillside behind our house . It was supplied with dirt benches , a short wave radio and some canned food . The battle of Midway had not yet happened and nobody knew whether or not Hawaii would be bombed or taken over by the Japanese . We kids heard the adults talking about hiding their valuables , which led to a discussion about our valuables . Barbara said to Ellen , " Our most precious things are our books so we better bury them . " Ellen went along with that and they buried their books in the wet dirt . Soon they were ruined . I was not wiser , but I was luckier . I buried my collection of old rhinestone jewelry that we girls traded back and forth . I found it in the ground two years later . My parents wanted me to be safe , so I was sent to South Pasadena , California to live with my mother 's sister , Aunt Kit and her family . Mrs . McGillivray took Barbara and Ellen and me from our island of Hawaii to my grandmother 's house on Oahu , The day we left , March 22 , 1942 , was my 10th birthday and I got dreadfully seasick . Once we got to my grandmother 's big colonial house we were furnished with lots of entertainment . We cut out paper dolls , sewed doll clothes and tore around her garden playing hide and seek , jumped rope and generally kept happy and busy , aside from when I hit my head on a garden bench necessitating stitches . I still have the scar under my eyebrow to prove it . During the occasional air raid drills we would go into the bomb shelter in Grandmother 's back yard until the all clear siren sounded . I felt more excited than scared . We waited at Grandmother 's house for two weeks for the ship to arrive . It was part of an Army hospital convoy . We got on the main ship where we shared one stateroom and had nice dining room service . We zigzagged across the Pacific to avoid Japanese submarines . I can 't remember anything I didn 't like about the 10 day trip . When we arrived in San Francisco , my sister was there waiting . She was studying Home Economics at Mills College in Oakland . I was glad to see her . I had always idolized her , though we were 10 ½ years apart and were not close . In her memoir Wild Onions she wrote " Sister Marice was barely noticed by me in those days . I was a teenager , self - centered , and in school on Oahu . " She went away to school on Oahu and lived in the boarding department at Punahou School when I was just two years old . Her teenage clothes , music , and friends were fascinating to me . After I arrived in San Francisco , she and I traveled on the Daylight Express railway to Southern California . She gave me a book , The Bluebird of Happiness , which I thought a nice present and we read it together as we rolled along . I kept that book for many years . I found out later that my sister had given up a long anticipated trip to Sun Valley to go skiing in order to take me to my aunt 's . I hope she has forgiven me by now . I exchanged letters with my parents every week , though the letters took two weeks to arrive . They were often censored and would have chunks cut out of them . One occasion for censorship was when my mother quoted what my orthodontist said about the way my tooth straightening was to continue . His name was Dr . Kubo , and perhaps the censors thought this business about my teeth was a code . My mother was very clever when she wanted to tell me the volcano was erupting . This was information the Japanese might want . She wrote , " Dr . Jagger 's baby is spitting up . " I knew Dr . Jagger was the volcanologist and that he did not have a young child . The censors did not catch that . These memories began when the plantation doctor , Richard Treadwell , ( known as R . T . ) and his family lived next door to us in Hawi . The youngest child , Florence , was my age and a good friend . Dr . Treadwell bought a strip of beach front property along the Kohala Coast . On one end of the beach he had a house built . I was lucky to be invited there several times . There were no roads to the beach so we came by boat from the port of Kawaihae , about five miles away . The house had three small bedrooms , a big living / dining room with a kitchen in the corner and lots of windows facing the beach . The " bathroom " was a halelii ( Hawaiian for little house ) up a slope from the house . The path was overhung with kiawe trees which dropped kukus ( thorns ) that would stick into our bare feet . In the halelii were two adult size holes and one lower , smaller child size hole . Once Florence dropped her flashlight into one hole . It was not retrieved ! The shower was in a room under the house and accessible from the beach . We were told to be sure to pick up our bathing suits off the floor or a scorpion might hide underneath them . The only modern convenience was the telephone in case the doctor needed to be contacted . Florence and I collected hermit crabs with a variety of colorful shells . We kept them as pets in a big tub with a little water and sand in the bottom . When it was time to go home we set them free . I wonder if children are still catching hermit crabs . I have not seen any . Right on the beach , down about 10 steps from the house , was a round cement platform about 12 feet across with a table and chairs and lounges . I loved to sit there and read my " Big , Little Books " , so called because they were about 3 " by 3 " and 2 " inches thick . I knew even then , at 8 years old , that this was a very special place for me . I have rented the house from Florence 's agent ( I get the " family and friends discount " ) twice as an adult and it is just as wonderful as I remembered . Now it has all the modern conveniences , even a flush toilet at house level . The first time I rented it was with my old friend , Ellen McGillivray Luhrs and two other friends . The most recent time was August of 2014 . I love to sit on that platform listening to the waves rolling in , feeling the warm breeze on my skin , and remembering the evenings long ago when we dug in the warm sand , following the holes searching for the crab that dug them . In the twilight we would watch for the first star so that we could recite , " Star light , star bright , first star seen tonight . I wish I may , I wish I might , have the wish I wish tonight . " I wish now more than anything to get back to that platform on the beach of Hawi . Posted on November 18 , 2014 by A . K . Carroll In the late 1960 's , I suddenly found myself with no independence and no income of my own . Overnight I became a non - person . My husband and I packed our household , sons nearly 3 and almost 5 , and moved to Northern California where he would become a college professor . I had to leave my job with a brokerage firm where I was finishing studies and testing for a stock broker 's license , paid for by my employer . Having been our family 's main bread winner while my spouse finished his Masters , I not only left behind a big paycheck plus generous bonuses , I also parted with my main source of self - esteem and suddenly felt adrift . In our new community , a total stranger informed me he could tell I was a " city girl " because my skirts were " too short for this town . " And so I was - a city girl stranded in the middle of almond orchards , rice fields and a daily 10 page Republican newspaper . It would take many years for me to appreciate almonds and brown rice . First I tried a few months of typing and secretarial work for the campus English Department , but they were housed in the same building as the Art Department my husband worked in and I soon overheard that the staff was unhappy with him because he blatantly used the " F " and the " Sh " words in public . My job did not pay as much as the cost of day care for my children , so one day I responded to an ad for part time evening work with the Blue Diamond Nut Company . It seemed like the perfect solution . My husband could watch the children while I worked the evening shift sorting nuts , which couldn 't be a far cry from what my life was like already . The pay was fairly good . The interview was brief and I was hired on the spot . Provided with a big green hair net - the kind worn in medical facilities - I was introduced to the conveyor belts . There were three of them , each divided into six sections so that the women perched on stools on either side of the belt had a total of three " trays " . The tray closest to the employee carried almonds that had been cracked by a big machine . The other two trays were for broken almonds and the last was for the trash - bits of shell , leaves , sometimes unspeakable things . I was instructed to pick the trash and broken bits of almond out of the first tray , leaving only the perfect almonds , drop the broken nuts into tray two , and anything not edible into the third tray . Made sense . Sounded pretty easy . I was provided with a backless stool and someone helped me adjust it to the proper height for working on the conveyor . Settling in , things went well until the belt was turned on . It moved much faster than I imagined and I immediately began to laugh out loud . Trying to pick out the trash and damaged nuts and drop them into their proper places on the conveyor was like some kind of dexterity game you might play with children at a party . And then , all of a sudden the belt seemed to stop and it felt as though I was moving . I must have looked alarmed because the woman sitting next to me ( we had never been introduced ) hollered over the noise of the machinery , " Don 't worry . You 'll get used to it . " The next couple of hours until break time were grueling . All the motion made me nauseous and the noise made my ears ring . Every ten minutes , my supervisor , a wiry little woman with a southern twang , stopped behind me , glared in my direction and screamed , " Hold that trash ! " It was like being in the middle of a Felini movie and I no longer felt like laughing . I wanted to cry . It only took a couple of days for me to develop a very negative attitude . Driving off to work I 'd pass my neighbor , a doctor 's wife , outside chatting with the pool man , another neighbor riding her big Arabian horse back out of the park toward their stables . I imagined what they 'd think of me if they knew what I was doing . I started hating my husband . The job lasted for two weeks . One morning I couldn 't get out of bed until I 'd called the Diamond office and told them I was done . They didn 't sound surprised . They were probably relieved . The supervisor had started referring to me as " I Love Lucy " and asked me several times , " Girl , what are you doing here ? " Each time I looked at her - wearing a T - shirt from a local bar , missing a couple of front teeth , recalling the battered Ford pick - up she plowed into the company parking lot every afternoon - well , I just never found an explanation I thought she might appreciate .
|
Callie twisted herself into Jon 's arms . They had burrowed under the covers the moment they got home and stayed there till they were spent . She laid her head on his chest and felt his breathing lighten . They 'd barely said a word since leaving the arena except to make sure they were taking care of each other . The cityscape below offered a faint glow as Jon twisted a strand of her hair and spoke into the near darkness . I was thinking about taking this story farther , but this seemed like a natural ending . Sorry if it 's surprising . Puppies and cupcakes , right ? Everybody likes a happy ending ? I just couldn 't bring myself to mess them up anymore . So they all live happily ever after . . . the end . Thanks for all your comments - this was a really fun one to write . New story coming soon , after I do some one shots . Keep an eye out for them at ( One ) Shot Through the Heart . Callie felt like crap at work all day . The sun had woken her sharply , her corporate apartment seemed soulless and depressing . She planned to order in lunch and spend the time looking at apartment listings online . It was nearly 11 AM when her phone desk phone rang , asking her to pickup a delivery at reception . She was so out of it she wondered if she 'd called out for food already and forgotten . On the front desk was a huge bouquet of flowers : tiger lilies and mums and roses mixed together . The receptionist was smiling like someone should be happy to see such a beautiful surprise . Callie just set her lips and exhaled . She wasn 't expecting the card to be hand - written . It stopped her heart , a single tight squeeze , to see her name in Jon 's writing . She hadn 't seen his writing in years , not since they 'd traded notes under the pillow at his parents ' house . Tears burned at her eyes and it was a full minute of blinking before she was able to read the paper inside . Callie wanted this to be over - she wanted to call him and hear his perfectly good explanation and then run as fast as she could to wherever he was . But she was getting crazy again , heart leading the way . It could be the right direction , or it could be the same path again . But she would have to do something . Her apartment search was half - hearted at best . She emailed three places and made a list of open houses being held the coming weekend . But every neighborhood or landmark reminded her of things Jon 's teammates had recommended so she closed the browser and kept working At four o ' clock , Callie needed a break . She took a wrong turn and had to circle the same block twice , partially because she was new and also because she was spacing out . She stopped into a Starbucks to get her bearings - at least the things on the menu were familiar . She ordered a tall mocha . Oh shit , she thought instantly . Standing at the other side , waiting for her order , was Tara . Callie spun and hurried toward the front door . Too late . Callie got outside and went left - then instantly realized she should be going right . But she couldn 't turn around . She hesitated a step and it was enough . With a sigh Callie faced back toward the store . Tara wore a black business suit and shuffled up in her expensive high heels . Out of nowhere , she smiled . " I wouldn 't be much good in a chase today , " she conceded . Callie was very confused - hadn 't this girl caught Callie and her boyfriend cuddling last night , obviously well acquainted and on their way back to bed any second ? Why the hell is she smiling ? " That you and Jon were obviously a lot more serious that he led me to believe . I had no right to be there anyway , but he lied to me and then you came in and , Christ , you have a key ! That 's serious ! I 'm so , so sorry . And for what it 's worth I hope you dump his ass because I for one am never speaking to him again . " " Stop . Stop before you make yourself sick . Here , sit down . " Tara gestured to the Starbucks against the window . Callie couldn 't believe she was being invited to coffee by the woman whose boyfriend she had slept with . " Callie , I know all about you . " " Let me just tell you all this before you really make up your mind , okay ? Jon told me about you . Probably most of the story . At first it was kind of weird , him talking about another girl , but I could tell that he really missed you . And I thought it was sweet - young love and all that . Last night when I saw you … I thought you were some puck slut or something . That 's why I freaked out , I thought Jon had gone off the Kaner diving board and starting picking up bunnies while I was away . " " Jon and I are not … were not serious . We had fun together but we were more friends than anything . Well , not just friends , you know what I mean but we were not in love . I thought that maybe someday I could fall in love with him , because who wouldn 't want to ? But that was a long way off . I could scream and throw things here because I 'm the woman wronged but that would really be a lie . " " Now don 't get me wrong . I was pissed last night and I still don 't take kindly to Jon dumping me without so much as a moment 's notice . That sucks . But Callie , he did it because he loves you . I have spent maybe three months with Jon and we were never exclusive . Even so I knew he would never bring home a stranger or anything like that . Jon is not that guy . The only thing I ever worried about was you . " " I met Jon after the Olympics but before the Stanley Cup . By last summer he literally had every single thing in the whole wide world that he wanted - except for you . And I knew that . What does that tell you about how much Jon talked about you ? I don 't think he even realized he was doing it , since I know he wasn 't calling you . But he should have . He wanted to . " Tara shrugged - she wasn 't happy , but she wasn 't mad either . " I left some stuff there . And I only have a key because he needs someone to check in when he 's on the road , water the plants and stuff . He didn 't want to hire someone , so I said I would do it . I can see how it looks weird but it really wasn 't anything important . " Callie picked at her nails . " But still , I should have left when I saw your shoes . I shouldn 't have done anything until I knew he 'd talked to you . " " That would have been nice , for me , " Tara said , but she was making a tiny smile . " But the minute Jon told me who you were I understood what had happened . He lost his mind to have you back , Callie . He practically lost it missing you . " The barista from inside came out , carrying Callie 's coffee . " I think you forgot this , miss . " She took the cup and rolled it between her palms . Jon left Callie another message at lunch . His stomach ached to think that he 'd fucked up the second chance he 'd been waiting so long for . He was getting desperate , even debating going to her office and trying his luck . But he was afraid to push too hard , and he had a game to think about . So he went to the rink at the usual time and tried to clear his head for the night 's matchup against Philadelphia . " Any luck ? " Sharpie asked the second he walked in the door . So much for clearing his head . Jon just said no and started stripping off his suit . " She 'll come around , " Pat said , low enough so it wasn 't broadcast to the team . " I mean , you two go way back . She 's not going to disappear without at least letting you explain yourself , right ? " Callie could only think of one thing to do . It was almost five and Jon would already be at the arena . She didn 't want to talk on the phone , she wanted to see him but there would be no way to do that before game time . She at 5 PM she clocked out , ran home and then took a cab to the United Center . Her heart beat like a drum . There was a reason they called this place the Madhouse on Madison - it was jumping already , 40 minutes before game time . A beer did nothing to release the knot in her stomach and she looked around like she might be waiting for someone , trying not to feel awkward at a hockey game by herself . Ten minutes until the warm - up skate . I should have asked her to come tonight , Jon thought . In his message at lunch he 'd only asked her to call him . Maybe if she could be here , if she could see me skate she 'd remember everything good about us . But he hadn 't and it was too late now . The team filed out of the locker room and through the tunnel . As usual , the house was packed and rocking , a sea of red and white jerseys . People were lined ten deep at the glass on their end of the ice and Jon circled so fast that it took three passes for him to see it . Jon nearly fainted . Guys were zipping by at warp speed and he was stock still in the middle of the zone , staring at her . The other thousands of people must have thought he 'd never been asked out before . Risking his life amid his teammates flying past , he skated right to the glass . She had a small smile on her face , not the huge grin he would have preferred but he was in no position to argue . Her hair was dark and full as it fell over the jersey - his jersey - which hid her body with such volume that it was a sin . But he loved it . " I 'd love to , " Jon said . People near her started clapping . " See you there . " It was another small smile , but it made Jon 's heart sing . Then Kaner bumped him from behind , smooshing him against the glass and making the crowd laugh . Jon skated right over to the bench and sent an equipment guy to find her . He had to know where she was sitting . The guy jogged off as Jon checked to make sure Callie was still standing at the glass . She knew better than to leave now . Kaner said it best , of course . " Just hijack the lucky seat drawing . Section 115 , row 9 , seat 17 , will you marry Jonathan Toews ? " Callie 's heart pounded as she unrolled her sign . There was a chance that Captain Serious would be so focused he might not see it . But she had to try - both to call him out and let him know he was forgiven . The moment his eyes found the sign she felt it like a tractor beam , and the look in his eyes as he came toward her was unmistakable . I love you , she thought , hoping he could somehow feel it in the air . Everyone around her at the glass wanted to talk after Jon skated away . She played it off like she was as amazed as they were her sign had worked . As time expired on the warm - up skate , a couple of the guys she knew came over to give the boards a bump where she stood . Good luck everyone , she said silently . And good luck they had . The Hawks got 2 in the first period , one by Sharp and one by Seabrook . Callie could only imagine what the electricity in the building must feel like to the players - she was amped up beyond belief just sitting in the crowd . She 'd been approached by a staffer and given him her seat number . As predicted , she saw Jon looking for her more than once . In the second period , Jon caught a breakaway coming out of the penalty box . The whole place was on its feet before he crossed the blue line . When he put the puck over Bobrovsky 's shoulder , Callie thought she might actually explode . She totally fucking saw that , Jon said to himself , searching the crowd again . He was on the bench , listening to the goal announcement . " Nice one , Tazer , " Kane yelled from a few seats down . " Someone should dump your ass every day ! " The clock couldn 't run down fast enough . When the buzzer finally sounded , the Hawks won 4 - 2 and Jon was climbing out of his skin . Callie got three steps inside and stopped dead . Her hand flew to her face , covering her nose and mouth . " Oh my God ! " she yelled . " It smells like the ass end of hell in here . " She looked at Jon over her makeshift gas mask . " I 'll be in the hall ! " Callie had wanted to be all dramatic and run in and kiss Jon in front of everyone . Like in a movie , right ? No such luck - there would be no opening of her uncovered mouth in that room , ever . No matter how much she loved him . Two minutes later , that dark brown head of hair came out after her . His suit was gray with a light blue shirt and dark blue tie . He wore it very , very well . It reminded Callie of the times he had to wear suits for games in high school , the way he 'd always looked like a little boy playing dress up . Well he was a man now . Callie fought the urge to touch him . Some things needed to be said first . " Ran into her at Starbucks . Actually , I tried to run away from her . But she caught me . And then she explained the situation and defended your honor . I was expecting a latte in the face . " Jon breathed out in a whoosh . Tara had heard about Callie and the way she 'd given up without a fight last night had told him that she knew even more than Jon had ever said . He silently thanked her for being a better person than he was . Callie was so close . " Jon , this whole thing has a lot to live up to . I 've been dreaming about it for so long , I 'm afraid real life will mess it up . " She lifted her lips for the kiss , the international symbol of giving in . If it was going to be messy , then let it . They had handled so much already . If all they really wanted was this , then they could make it work . Jon was interviewed ( along with his mom - too cute for words ) at the game in Anaheim today and said he hopes to be back in the lineup tomorrow . That 's why we love hockey players - you 're back from a 2 - week injury in 6 days . Tough guy . ____ Sunday morning passed with Jon and Callie hiding , making up for lost time . Jon wondered how he ever could have thought he was past this , ever imagined he was over her . Callie veered wildly between heartbreaking relief and the knowledge that she might not be able to walk for a few days . Jon resisted the urge to join Callie in the shower and took the time to place the phone call he 'd promised : to Tara . He didn 't want to break up with her over the phone ; he may not have been in love with her but she was still a nice person . She deserved at least a face - to - face conversation , especially if it would be their last . Her voicemail said she was traveling all day - Jon was so caught up in Callie 's surprise appearance that he 'd forgotten Tara was out of town for work . He left a message that he wanted to see her , hung up and hurried in to catch the end of Callie 's shower . She smiled up at him - he was an absolute Adonis , perfect body and a perfect face . Beneath the warm fall of water she kissed him , promising herself she would do this as many days as possible . Then she leaned forward , hands splayed on the tile , and let Jon take her again . When they finished they had to start getting clean from the beginning . " I owe you a date , " he said , finally pulling a shirt over the chest that transfixed Callie . He insisted it be at one of his favorite Chicago places , so they went to the original Pizzeria Uno and over a red and white checkered tablecloth put away the biggest pizza Callie had ever seen . It was so easy to talk and laugh with Jon - not Captain Jonathan Toews , just her Jon . She wiped a streak of sauce from his lip and licked it off her finger . Jon told Callie everything he could think of . If she wanted to know him now then he would happily oblige . She had lots of questions and comments , and then she gave her the story of her last 5 years as well . " Those are totally my pajamas , " she poked at his arm . " In fact , I probably have 5 Toews shirts and jerseys . It 's quite a collection . Some of my friends thought I might be obsessed . " Callie shrugged . " My close friends , yes . But I didn 't want to go around advertising to people that were used to be a thing . Everyone in LA name drops like crazy and everyone assumes they 're lying . Plus … it sounded kind of sad . My old boyfriend is a super famous hero athlete and here I am , wearing his jersey and watching him on TV in my slippers . All I needed was a cat and a tower of old newspapers to complete the picture . " " Yeah , I did . You remember that the Hawks didn 't come to LA your first season , and the next season it was when I was in Singapore . But last year I was there , in my Winter Classic jersey , screaming my head off . " They finished eating and Jon hailed a cab to Navy Pier . Hand in hand they walked around the tourist attraction , the weather still unseasonably nice . Jon insisted they ride the Ferris Wheel for the view , but they saw nothing . Callie put her legs across his lap and kissed him the entire time . They were always touching . It wasn 't urgent or desperate , they weren 't ripping each others ' clothes off even though they each thought about it a few times . Instead they were just being together , relaxed and happy . It felt like they would have forever . Callie didn 't protest when Jon suggested dinner at his place . Instead she steered them into a market and bought all the food they could carry . She 'd peeked around his kitchen and found that half the utensils and supplies still had their tags on . In the condo lobby , the doorman greeted her by name , making Jon squeeze her hand . Dinner was delicious . Callie even bought the right bottle of white wine to go with the fish , something she claimed to have learned in California . Jon knew she was savvy , but she 'd also become quite sophisticated in their time apart . He was glad to see she 'd clearly been enjoying herself in Los Angeles . He complimented her endlessly on the food , insisted on clearing the table and then poured two more glasses of wine and joined Callie on the couch . He wanted to her to stay the night again . She 'd have work in the morning and he had practice , so they wouldn 't get the chance to stay in bed together , but he didn 't want her to leave . Ever . It was nearly 9 PM and they were watching Get Him to the Greek on InDemand . He thought when the movie was over , maybe he could offer to drive her to her place to pickup clothes for the next day . Callie was so , so comfortable . She was curled up against Jon , lying alongside his body to the inside of the wide couch cushion . It took her fifteen minutes to stop thinking about the bicep that supported her head and just as she focused on the movie , Jon shifted and his shirt rode up . The sliver of skin at his waist took another half an hour . She wanted to stay . She could go home quickly in the morning to change . Maybe he would invite her , or maybe he thought he didn 't need to . She figured they might fall asleep on the couch first , wrapped up together like the got to do this sort of thing every day . They went back to the movie , and half an hour later they were cracking up watching Jonah Hill drink an entire bottle of liquor so Russell Brand couldn 't have any . It was warm and soft where they lay entwined in the low light . Callie could almost close her eyes and drift off even though it was barely 9 PM . Jon felt more relaxed than tired . He was drowsy from the feel of holding her tight and the workout that she 'd given him that morning . The thought of it made his whole body quiver . He knew know that what the guys all said was true : it 's different when it 's with someone you love . They were both thinking about each other , about snuggling and sleeping and waking up to do it all over again tomorrow . So they were slow to react when a key scraped in the lock . Jon didn 't hear it at first , laughing at the movie . Then the door was open and Tara was standing there . Jon jumped to his feet in a single motion . Callie was a little slower , rolling into the void he 'd just left and having to lever herself up from the cushion . She wore jeans , flip flops and a borrowed t - shirt , but they 'd still been in a compromising position . They stood there for a moment , all looking at each other , not knowing what to do . Callie and Tara sized each other up - she had shoulder length blond hair and a pretty face plus a little more junk in the trunk than Carrie carried . She was definitely hot . Tara regained her senses first . She simply gave Callie a dirty look and said , " The first night I stayed over , that 's the shirt he lent me too . " Then she marched through the apartment , presumably headed for whatever stuff she had left inside . Jon 's eyes pleaded with Callie to stay put then he chased Tara into the master bedroom . Callie felt awful and angry . Obviously Tara was more important than Jon had let on - she had her own key for Christ 's sake ! The look of shock on her face kicked Callie in the stomach . And worst of all , Jon had lied . Callie scooped up her bag and jacket and hustled out the door . He could keep her top and lend it to the next girl . " I 'm so sorry , Tara . I wanted to see you so I could tell you . I … I didn 't think you 'd come over . " Tara came out of the closet , two pairs of high heels gripped tightly in her hands . Jon had never before noticed how sharp they looked - he took a step back . Her face was set with a look like he could eat shit and die . " You asked me to come over . But I think you forgot to tell your date . " She shoved the shoes into her purse and went back to check for anything else . Her voice carried out to him . " Only you , Jon . Only you would fucking cuddle with someone watching a movie - that is your idea of cheating . Anyone else would have a regular one night stand with someone they can 't remember and fucking get it over with . " She reappeared with a t - shirt and a pair of her underwear . " You had us all fooled . " " You what , Jon ? " She stopped dead in the middle of the living room and turned to face him . She was smaller by a foot but the moral high ground gave her quite a boost . " You what ? " " She called me three days ago and said her work was moving her here . Yesterday I saw her on the street . There wasn 't any time to tell you and I didn 't even know what to say … . " Tara released the death grip on her bag and let it drop to the floor . Jon had told her about Calllie , about his high school sweetheart , the one that got away . She 'd always thought it was such a nice story even if it didn 't have a happy ending . She and Jon had been seeing each other late last season , then he called her again when he came back to Chicago . He was loyal like that ; didn 't need a lot of variety , just wanted something stable . Tara wished that one day maybe Jon would talk about her the way he talked about Callie . He obviously still loved her , even after so long . The only difference was that Tara hoped to still be around to hear him . " Shit . I thought she was a fucking puck bunny , not the goddamned love of your life , " she threw up her hands . Now that Callie was back , Tara knew there was no way she could compete with that . Tara opened her eyes . The confused , sad look on his face said it all . " Well you know now , " she said . She scooped up her things from the floor and dug into her purse . A tiny thwap landed next to Jon : she 'd tossed his spare key onto the couch . Then she left . Jon stayed there , the hard back of the couch digging into his thighs like penance . He had done things in the wrong order , gotten swept up in Callie and now she 'd seen something terrible . Something he never meant to happen . She would think he was an asshole now . Callie sat on the hotel - grade carpet in her bedroom and cried . From such a high to such a low in a single day . She berated her heart for not listening to her brain - he 's different now , he 's a star , he can do whatever he wants . Tara obviously thought she was more than a casual date , and Callie had willfully ignored the clues : anyone who leaves multiple pairs of big - night - out shoes in a guy 's closet has been there a lot of times . And she 's coming back . Fucking figures , Callie told herself . Never should have called him . Should have left it alone . At least I 'd have my old Jon to remember . Jon went straight to bed , knowing sleep would be a long time coming . He contemplated going to Callie 's apartment - there could only be one Oakwood on Silver - and relying on his famous face to get him in the door . But he remembered how stubborn Callie could be and knew it would be another mistake to add to the list . If she was going to hear him out , she would need time to cool off first . At the morning skate , he had trouble keeping his head in the game . This is just a rough patch , right ? An argument when she finally returns my call and we could move on ? But Jon had lost Callie before and so the fear was already woven into his DNA . To have her back for a single day and lose her again would be the cruelest fate . " Jon … Jon ! " Sharpie waved a hand in front of his face , snapping him out of it . " How was yesterday ? Callie seemed pretty happy with you . " Jon whipped a shot at the net , missing high with enough force to scuff the glass . " I fucked up . I didn 't have a chance to talk to Tara and she showed up last night , while Callie and I were … " " No ! Thank God . We were just watching a movie but we were all tangled up on the couch and it was pretty fucking obvious what was going on . " " What did Callie do ? " Pat asked the right question . Not ' what did Tara do ? ' because ultimately that wasn 't the point . Jon felt bad about that but it was done . Callie , he hoped , was not . " I had already told her about Tara , and that I would end it . I was so wrapped up in Callie being there that I didn 't do it right away . Then she left . Tara came in and immediately started getting her stuff and Callie just left without a word . Won 't pick up the phone . " " But , no … she waters my plants when we 're on the road and stuff - she volunteered for it . The co - op has to approve the person and they sure as shit weren 't going to approve Kaner . Fuck . Callie thinks Tara had a key like ' you 're my girlfriend , here 's a key to my place . ' " Jon put his foul smelling glove right over his face . " She thinks I lied to her . "
|
Callie twisted herself into Jon 's arms . They had burrowed under the covers the moment they got home and stayed there till they were spent . She laid her head on his chest and felt his breathing lighten . They 'd barely said a word since leaving the arena except to make sure they were taking care of each other . The cityscape below offered a faint glow as Jon twisted a strand of her hair and spoke into the near darkness . I was thinking about taking this story farther , but this seemed like a natural ending . Sorry if it 's surprising . Puppies and cupcakes , right ? Everybody likes a happy ending ? I just couldn 't bring myself to mess them up anymore . So they all live happily ever after . . . the end . Thanks for all your comments - this was a really fun one to write . New story coming soon , after I do some one shots . Keep an eye out for them at ( One ) Shot Through the Heart . Callie felt like crap at work all day . The sun had woken her sharply , her corporate apartment seemed soulless and depressing . She planned to order in lunch and spend the time looking at apartment listings online . It was nearly 11 AM when her phone desk phone rang , asking her to pickup a delivery at reception . She was so out of it she wondered if she 'd called out for food already and forgotten . On the front desk was a huge bouquet of flowers : tiger lilies and mums and roses mixed together . The receptionist was smiling like someone should be happy to see such a beautiful surprise . Callie just set her lips and exhaled . She wasn 't expecting the card to be hand - written . It stopped her heart , a single tight squeeze , to see her name in Jon 's writing . She hadn 't seen his writing in years , not since they 'd traded notes under the pillow at his parents ' house . Tears burned at her eyes and it was a full minute of blinking before she was able to read the paper inside . Callie wanted this to be over - she wanted to call him and hear his perfectly good explanation and then run as fast as she could to wherever he was . But she was getting crazy again , heart leading the way . It could be the right direction , or it could be the same path again . But she would have to do something . Her apartment search was half - hearted at best . She emailed three places and made a list of open houses being held the coming weekend . But every neighborhood or landmark reminded her of things Jon 's teammates had recommended so she closed the browser and kept working At four o ' clock , Callie needed a break . She took a wrong turn and had to circle the same block twice , partially because she was new and also because she was spacing out . She stopped into a Starbucks to get her bearings - at least the things on the menu were familiar . She ordered a tall mocha . Oh shit , she thought instantly . Standing at the other side , waiting for her order , was Tara . Callie spun and hurried toward the front door . Too late . Callie got outside and went left - then instantly realized she should be going right . But she couldn 't turn around . She hesitated a step and it was enough . With a sigh Callie faced back toward the store . Tara wore a black business suit and shuffled up in her expensive high heels . Out of nowhere , she smiled . " I wouldn 't be much good in a chase today , " she conceded . Callie was very confused - hadn 't this girl caught Callie and her boyfriend cuddling last night , obviously well acquainted and on their way back to bed any second ? Why the hell is she smiling ? " That you and Jon were obviously a lot more serious that he led me to believe . I had no right to be there anyway , but he lied to me and then you came in and , Christ , you have a key ! That 's serious ! I 'm so , so sorry . And for what it 's worth I hope you dump his ass because I for one am never speaking to him again . " " Stop . Stop before you make yourself sick . Here , sit down . " Tara gestured to the Starbucks against the window . Callie couldn 't believe she was being invited to coffee by the woman whose boyfriend she had slept with . " Callie , I know all about you . " " Let me just tell you all this before you really make up your mind , okay ? Jon told me about you . Probably most of the story . At first it was kind of weird , him talking about another girl , but I could tell that he really missed you . And I thought it was sweet - young love and all that . Last night when I saw you … I thought you were some puck slut or something . That 's why I freaked out , I thought Jon had gone off the Kaner diving board and starting picking up bunnies while I was away . " " Jon and I are not … were not serious . We had fun together but we were more friends than anything . Well , not just friends , you know what I mean but we were not in love . I thought that maybe someday I could fall in love with him , because who wouldn 't want to ? But that was a long way off . I could scream and throw things here because I 'm the woman wronged but that would really be a lie . " " Now don 't get me wrong . I was pissed last night and I still don 't take kindly to Jon dumping me without so much as a moment 's notice . That sucks . But Callie , he did it because he loves you . I have spent maybe three months with Jon and we were never exclusive . Even so I knew he would never bring home a stranger or anything like that . Jon is not that guy . The only thing I ever worried about was you . " " I met Jon after the Olympics but before the Stanley Cup . By last summer he literally had every single thing in the whole wide world that he wanted - except for you . And I knew that . What does that tell you about how much Jon talked about you ? I don 't think he even realized he was doing it , since I know he wasn 't calling you . But he should have . He wanted to . " Tara shrugged - she wasn 't happy , but she wasn 't mad either . " I left some stuff there . And I only have a key because he needs someone to check in when he 's on the road , water the plants and stuff . He didn 't want to hire someone , so I said I would do it . I can see how it looks weird but it really wasn 't anything important . " Callie picked at her nails . " But still , I should have left when I saw your shoes . I shouldn 't have done anything until I knew he 'd talked to you . " " That would have been nice , for me , " Tara said , but she was making a tiny smile . " But the minute Jon told me who you were I understood what had happened . He lost his mind to have you back , Callie . He practically lost it missing you . " The barista from inside came out , carrying Callie 's coffee . " I think you forgot this , miss . " She took the cup and rolled it between her palms . Jon left Callie another message at lunch . His stomach ached to think that he 'd fucked up the second chance he 'd been waiting so long for . He was getting desperate , even debating going to her office and trying his luck . But he was afraid to push too hard , and he had a game to think about . So he went to the rink at the usual time and tried to clear his head for the night 's matchup against Philadelphia . " Any luck ? " Sharpie asked the second he walked in the door . So much for clearing his head . Jon just said no and started stripping off his suit . " She 'll come around , " Pat said , low enough so it wasn 't broadcast to the team . " I mean , you two go way back . She 's not going to disappear without at least letting you explain yourself , right ? " Callie could only think of one thing to do . It was almost five and Jon would already be at the arena . She didn 't want to talk on the phone , she wanted to see him but there would be no way to do that before game time . She at 5 PM she clocked out , ran home and then took a cab to the United Center . Her heart beat like a drum . There was a reason they called this place the Madhouse on Madison - it was jumping already , 40 minutes before game time . A beer did nothing to release the knot in her stomach and she looked around like she might be waiting for someone , trying not to feel awkward at a hockey game by herself . Ten minutes until the warm - up skate . I should have asked her to come tonight , Jon thought . In his message at lunch he 'd only asked her to call him . Maybe if she could be here , if she could see me skate she 'd remember everything good about us . But he hadn 't and it was too late now . The team filed out of the locker room and through the tunnel . As usual , the house was packed and rocking , a sea of red and white jerseys . People were lined ten deep at the glass on their end of the ice and Jon circled so fast that it took three passes for him to see it . Jon nearly fainted . Guys were zipping by at warp speed and he was stock still in the middle of the zone , staring at her . The other thousands of people must have thought he 'd never been asked out before . Risking his life amid his teammates flying past , he skated right to the glass . She had a small smile on her face , not the huge grin he would have preferred but he was in no position to argue . Her hair was dark and full as it fell over the jersey - his jersey - which hid her body with such volume that it was a sin . But he loved it . " I 'd love to , " Jon said . People near her started clapping . " See you there . " It was another small smile , but it made Jon 's heart sing . Then Kaner bumped him from behind , smooshing him against the glass and making the crowd laugh . Jon skated right over to the bench and sent an equipment guy to find her . He had to know where she was sitting . The guy jogged off as Jon checked to make sure Callie was still standing at the glass . She knew better than to leave now . Kaner said it best , of course . " Just hijack the lucky seat drawing . Section 115 , row 9 , seat 17 , will you marry Jonathan Toews ? " Callie 's heart pounded as she unrolled her sign . There was a chance that Captain Serious would be so focused he might not see it . But she had to try - both to call him out and let him know he was forgiven . The moment his eyes found the sign she felt it like a tractor beam , and the look in his eyes as he came toward her was unmistakable . I love you , she thought , hoping he could somehow feel it in the air . Everyone around her at the glass wanted to talk after Jon skated away . She played it off like she was as amazed as they were her sign had worked . As time expired on the warm - up skate , a couple of the guys she knew came over to give the boards a bump where she stood . Good luck everyone , she said silently . And good luck they had . The Hawks got 2 in the first period , one by Sharp and one by Seabrook . Callie could only imagine what the electricity in the building must feel like to the players - she was amped up beyond belief just sitting in the crowd . She 'd been approached by a staffer and given him her seat number . As predicted , she saw Jon looking for her more than once . In the second period , Jon caught a breakaway coming out of the penalty box . The whole place was on its feet before he crossed the blue line . When he put the puck over Bobrovsky 's shoulder , Callie thought she might actually explode . She totally fucking saw that , Jon said to himself , searching the crowd again . He was on the bench , listening to the goal announcement . " Nice one , Tazer , " Kane yelled from a few seats down . " Someone should dump your ass every day ! " The clock couldn 't run down fast enough . When the buzzer finally sounded , the Hawks won 4 - 2 and Jon was climbing out of his skin . Callie got three steps inside and stopped dead . Her hand flew to her face , covering her nose and mouth . " Oh my God ! " she yelled . " It smells like the ass end of hell in here . " She looked at Jon over her makeshift gas mask . " I 'll be in the hall ! " Callie had wanted to be all dramatic and run in and kiss Jon in front of everyone . Like in a movie , right ? No such luck - there would be no opening of her uncovered mouth in that room , ever . No matter how much she loved him . Two minutes later , that dark brown head of hair came out after her . His suit was gray with a light blue shirt and dark blue tie . He wore it very , very well . It reminded Callie of the times he had to wear suits for games in high school , the way he 'd always looked like a little boy playing dress up . Well he was a man now . Callie fought the urge to touch him . Some things needed to be said first . " Ran into her at Starbucks . Actually , I tried to run away from her . But she caught me . And then she explained the situation and defended your honor . I was expecting a latte in the face . " Jon breathed out in a whoosh . Tara had heard about Callie and the way she 'd given up without a fight last night had told him that she knew even more than Jon had ever said . He silently thanked her for being a better person than he was . Callie was so close . " Jon , this whole thing has a lot to live up to . I 've been dreaming about it for so long , I 'm afraid real life will mess it up . " She lifted her lips for the kiss , the international symbol of giving in . If it was going to be messy , then let it . They had handled so much already . If all they really wanted was this , then they could make it work . Jon was interviewed ( along with his mom - too cute for words ) at the game in Anaheim today and said he hopes to be back in the lineup tomorrow . That 's why we love hockey players - you 're back from a 2 - week injury in 6 days . Tough guy . ____ Sunday morning passed with Jon and Callie hiding , making up for lost time . Jon wondered how he ever could have thought he was past this , ever imagined he was over her . Callie veered wildly between heartbreaking relief and the knowledge that she might not be able to walk for a few days . Jon resisted the urge to join Callie in the shower and took the time to place the phone call he 'd promised : to Tara . He didn 't want to break up with her over the phone ; he may not have been in love with her but she was still a nice person . She deserved at least a face - to - face conversation , especially if it would be their last . Her voicemail said she was traveling all day - Jon was so caught up in Callie 's surprise appearance that he 'd forgotten Tara was out of town for work . He left a message that he wanted to see her , hung up and hurried in to catch the end of Callie 's shower . She smiled up at him - he was an absolute Adonis , perfect body and a perfect face . Beneath the warm fall of water she kissed him , promising herself she would do this as many days as possible . Then she leaned forward , hands splayed on the tile , and let Jon take her again . When they finished they had to start getting clean from the beginning . " I owe you a date , " he said , finally pulling a shirt over the chest that transfixed Callie . He insisted it be at one of his favorite Chicago places , so they went to the original Pizzeria Uno and over a red and white checkered tablecloth put away the biggest pizza Callie had ever seen . It was so easy to talk and laugh with Jon - not Captain Jonathan Toews , just her Jon . She wiped a streak of sauce from his lip and licked it off her finger . Jon told Callie everything he could think of . If she wanted to know him now then he would happily oblige . She had lots of questions and comments , and then she gave her the story of her last 5 years as well . " Those are totally my pajamas , " she poked at his arm . " In fact , I probably have 5 Toews shirts and jerseys . It 's quite a collection . Some of my friends thought I might be obsessed . " Callie shrugged . " My close friends , yes . But I didn 't want to go around advertising to people that were used to be a thing . Everyone in LA name drops like crazy and everyone assumes they 're lying . Plus … it sounded kind of sad . My old boyfriend is a super famous hero athlete and here I am , wearing his jersey and watching him on TV in my slippers . All I needed was a cat and a tower of old newspapers to complete the picture . " " Yeah , I did . You remember that the Hawks didn 't come to LA your first season , and the next season it was when I was in Singapore . But last year I was there , in my Winter Classic jersey , screaming my head off . " They finished eating and Jon hailed a cab to Navy Pier . Hand in hand they walked around the tourist attraction , the weather still unseasonably nice . Jon insisted they ride the Ferris Wheel for the view , but they saw nothing . Callie put her legs across his lap and kissed him the entire time . They were always touching . It wasn 't urgent or desperate , they weren 't ripping each others ' clothes off even though they each thought about it a few times . Instead they were just being together , relaxed and happy . It felt like they would have forever . Callie didn 't protest when Jon suggested dinner at his place . Instead she steered them into a market and bought all the food they could carry . She 'd peeked around his kitchen and found that half the utensils and supplies still had their tags on . In the condo lobby , the doorman greeted her by name , making Jon squeeze her hand . Dinner was delicious . Callie even bought the right bottle of white wine to go with the fish , something she claimed to have learned in California . Jon knew she was savvy , but she 'd also become quite sophisticated in their time apart . He was glad to see she 'd clearly been enjoying herself in Los Angeles . He complimented her endlessly on the food , insisted on clearing the table and then poured two more glasses of wine and joined Callie on the couch . He wanted to her to stay the night again . She 'd have work in the morning and he had practice , so they wouldn 't get the chance to stay in bed together , but he didn 't want her to leave . Ever . It was nearly 9 PM and they were watching Get Him to the Greek on InDemand . He thought when the movie was over , maybe he could offer to drive her to her place to pickup clothes for the next day . Callie was so , so comfortable . She was curled up against Jon , lying alongside his body to the inside of the wide couch cushion . It took her fifteen minutes to stop thinking about the bicep that supported her head and just as she focused on the movie , Jon shifted and his shirt rode up . The sliver of skin at his waist took another half an hour . She wanted to stay . She could go home quickly in the morning to change . Maybe he would invite her , or maybe he thought he didn 't need to . She figured they might fall asleep on the couch first , wrapped up together like the got to do this sort of thing every day . They went back to the movie , and half an hour later they were cracking up watching Jonah Hill drink an entire bottle of liquor so Russell Brand couldn 't have any . It was warm and soft where they lay entwined in the low light . Callie could almost close her eyes and drift off even though it was barely 9 PM . Jon felt more relaxed than tired . He was drowsy from the feel of holding her tight and the workout that she 'd given him that morning . The thought of it made his whole body quiver . He knew know that what the guys all said was true : it 's different when it 's with someone you love . They were both thinking about each other , about snuggling and sleeping and waking up to do it all over again tomorrow . So they were slow to react when a key scraped in the lock . Jon didn 't hear it at first , laughing at the movie . Then the door was open and Tara was standing there . Jon jumped to his feet in a single motion . Callie was a little slower , rolling into the void he 'd just left and having to lever herself up from the cushion . She wore jeans , flip flops and a borrowed t - shirt , but they 'd still been in a compromising position . They stood there for a moment , all looking at each other , not knowing what to do . Callie and Tara sized each other up - she had shoulder length blond hair and a pretty face plus a little more junk in the trunk than Carrie carried . She was definitely hot . Tara regained her senses first . She simply gave Callie a dirty look and said , " The first night I stayed over , that 's the shirt he lent me too . " Then she marched through the apartment , presumably headed for whatever stuff she had left inside . Jon 's eyes pleaded with Callie to stay put then he chased Tara into the master bedroom . Callie felt awful and angry . Obviously Tara was more important than Jon had let on - she had her own key for Christ 's sake ! The look of shock on her face kicked Callie in the stomach . And worst of all , Jon had lied . Callie scooped up her bag and jacket and hustled out the door . He could keep her top and lend it to the next girl . " I 'm so sorry , Tara . I wanted to see you so I could tell you . I … I didn 't think you 'd come over . " Tara came out of the closet , two pairs of high heels gripped tightly in her hands . Jon had never before noticed how sharp they looked - he took a step back . Her face was set with a look like he could eat shit and die . " You asked me to come over . But I think you forgot to tell your date . " She shoved the shoes into her purse and went back to check for anything else . Her voice carried out to him . " Only you , Jon . Only you would fucking cuddle with someone watching a movie - that is your idea of cheating . Anyone else would have a regular one night stand with someone they can 't remember and fucking get it over with . " She reappeared with a t - shirt and a pair of her underwear . " You had us all fooled . " " You what , Jon ? " She stopped dead in the middle of the living room and turned to face him . She was smaller by a foot but the moral high ground gave her quite a boost . " You what ? " " She called me three days ago and said her work was moving her here . Yesterday I saw her on the street . There wasn 't any time to tell you and I didn 't even know what to say … . " Tara released the death grip on her bag and let it drop to the floor . Jon had told her about Calllie , about his high school sweetheart , the one that got away . She 'd always thought it was such a nice story even if it didn 't have a happy ending . She and Jon had been seeing each other late last season , then he called her again when he came back to Chicago . He was loyal like that ; didn 't need a lot of variety , just wanted something stable . Tara wished that one day maybe Jon would talk about her the way he talked about Callie . He obviously still loved her , even after so long . The only difference was that Tara hoped to still be around to hear him . " Shit . I thought she was a fucking puck bunny , not the goddamned love of your life , " she threw up her hands . Now that Callie was back , Tara knew there was no way she could compete with that . Tara opened her eyes . The confused , sad look on his face said it all . " Well you know now , " she said . She scooped up her things from the floor and dug into her purse . A tiny thwap landed next to Jon : she 'd tossed his spare key onto the couch . Then she left . Jon stayed there , the hard back of the couch digging into his thighs like penance . He had done things in the wrong order , gotten swept up in Callie and now she 'd seen something terrible . Something he never meant to happen . She would think he was an asshole now . Callie sat on the hotel - grade carpet in her bedroom and cried . From such a high to such a low in a single day . She berated her heart for not listening to her brain - he 's different now , he 's a star , he can do whatever he wants . Tara obviously thought she was more than a casual date , and Callie had willfully ignored the clues : anyone who leaves multiple pairs of big - night - out shoes in a guy 's closet has been there a lot of times . And she 's coming back . Fucking figures , Callie told herself . Never should have called him . Should have left it alone . At least I 'd have my old Jon to remember . Jon went straight to bed , knowing sleep would be a long time coming . He contemplated going to Callie 's apartment - there could only be one Oakwood on Silver - and relying on his famous face to get him in the door . But he remembered how stubborn Callie could be and knew it would be another mistake to add to the list . If she was going to hear him out , she would need time to cool off first . At the morning skate , he had trouble keeping his head in the game . This is just a rough patch , right ? An argument when she finally returns my call and we could move on ? But Jon had lost Callie before and so the fear was already woven into his DNA . To have her back for a single day and lose her again would be the cruelest fate . " Jon … Jon ! " Sharpie waved a hand in front of his face , snapping him out of it . " How was yesterday ? Callie seemed pretty happy with you . " Jon whipped a shot at the net , missing high with enough force to scuff the glass . " I fucked up . I didn 't have a chance to talk to Tara and she showed up last night , while Callie and I were … " " No ! Thank God . We were just watching a movie but we were all tangled up on the couch and it was pretty fucking obvious what was going on . " " What did Callie do ? " Pat asked the right question . Not ' what did Tara do ? ' because ultimately that wasn 't the point . Jon felt bad about that but it was done . Callie , he hoped , was not . " I had already told her about Tara , and that I would end it . I was so wrapped up in Callie being there that I didn 't do it right away . Then she left . Tara came in and immediately started getting her stuff and Callie just left without a word . Won 't pick up the phone . " " But , no … she waters my plants when we 're on the road and stuff - she volunteered for it . The co - op has to approve the person and they sure as shit weren 't going to approve Kaner . Fuck . Callie thinks Tara had a key like ' you 're my girlfriend , here 's a key to my place . ' " Jon put his foul smelling glove right over his face . " She thinks I lied to her . "
|
On Monday , the day before I was starting class in Portland , I woke up ill . And I didn 't feel any better on Tuesday . I didn 't want to skip the class . It only met once a week . I couldn 't believe I was so sick . This felt like one of my unsustainable patterns exerting itself in my life . It went something like this : I worked too hard , I worked too hard , I worked too hard , and I 'd get sick . Then I 'd have to peel away those things in my life that weren 't serving me . I took a walk around town early afternoon to see if I could actually drive to Portland and walk to class . I was able to do it . I had to stop a lot , but I made it down to the post office and back up again . At 4 : 30 , I got into the car and drove to Portland . I got stuck in rush hour traffic so I didn 't make it to campus until just a few minutes before 6 : 00 . I went to the building where I thought the class was , my favorite building on campus with the atrium and bamboo garden , but there was no classroom 238 . Oh man . I got the wrong building ? It was 6 : 00 now . Probably nothing was open on campus for me to find out where the real class was . I was having too much trouble breathing to be running all over campus . I walked over to my friend Mary 's department . If she was there , she could help me out . The door was locked . I couldn 't believe I had driven all this way and now I was going to have to drive back home . I felt a little panicky because I felt too sick to actually walk to the other side of campus where the library was - - and probably a class schedule . Then I heard someone call my name . I turned around . Mary was leaning out the door . I was so happy to see her . I couldn 't really talk easily because of the laryngitis ; I was able to convey that I couldn 't find my class . Fortunately , Mary had a schedule and she figured out the classroom was in the building across from the one I was at . I didn 't have far to go . I walked around the building and found 238 . I opened the door and went inside . I couldn 't smell anything , because I couldn 't smell anything . But it reminded me of my physics lab from high school which always smelled slightly of pipe tobacco . Long tables with computers on them faced the instructor who sat at a table . Behind him was a huge white board . No windows . No air . Ugly green healable plastic on the tables . Cluttered tables and shelves at the back of the room . I sat down and immediately turned off the computer screen in front of me . I listened to my wheezy lungs as I sat breathing , trying to relax and get my bearings . Then the teacher began talking . He said we would learn how a residential home was built , from the ground up . We would learn about all the different systems and how they functioned within the building . I wanted to become more knowledgeable about building systems . This would help me evaluate buildings and the environment more intelligently , so that I didn 't suggest anything stupid or untenable . For instance , the instructor talked about someone plugging up air holes in their house to help with the heating bill ; this cut off the air flow in the house which then helped grow mold . They had to tear the house down . Things like that . Soon the teacher started talking about the building codes which he seemed disgusted by . And he talked about energy efficiency and " green " policies with derision . He said that all green ideas were more expensive ideas . He went on and on about some government policies . In Colorado , he said , the water from your roof does not belong to you and you can 't capture it . It 's considered to be part of a river or tributary so it must be allowed to continue on its way . In Arizona , on the other hand , you must capture the water from your roof if your building is over 2500 square feet . He said the government was going to start going door to door talking with people about energy efficiency and forcing them to make changes . I growled to myself . I was taking this class as part of a sustainable building certificate and the instructor was going to deride any " green " methods for the next twelve weeks ? Plus I 'd have to sit and listen to him bash " the government " for that same amount of time . I wanted to raise my hand and say , " Hey , I work for the government . So does my husband . We work for the library . My father worked for the government , first in the Air Force and then as a teacher . You work for the government because this school gets funds from taxes . " But I sat quietly . For years before the Oklahoma bombing , I was furious with the " government . " Years of Reaganomics had shredded our infrastructure and our manufacturing base . I despised what George Bush had done in Iraq . And then when Bill Clinton got into office , one of the first things he did was " don 't ask , don 't tell , " which I thought of as a complete betrayal . Then Timothy McVeigh blew up the Alfred P . Murrow building . I sat watching that horror on TV and wondering what had happened to us as a nation . McVeigh was anti - government . He hated our government . I decided then and there that I was nothing like him and I didn 't want to participate in the kind of rhetoric that would lead to something like that . It was one thing to criticize our policies , which I continue to do , but to feed extremism was irresponsible . I had the creepy feeling as I sat in this classroom that this man was feeding that kind of extremism with his offhand remarks . I looked around the room . I didn 't have to take this class . I did not have to sit here for weeks listening to this man 's opinions . I might learn something , but at what cost ? I could barely breathe in this room , and I didn 't think it was all because of my cold . This was not my place , not my journey . He was not my teacher . I didn 't want to have this battle or this struggle in this room and this place . I wanted to learn from more evenhanded teachers . I got up and walked out the door . I drove home through the beautiful Columbia River Gorge . I felt relieved . Now I wouldn 't have to get stuck in traffic one a week . When I got home , I dropped the class . Then I curled up on the couch and tried to breathe and sleep . Read more here . . . Easier said than done . It took me an entire day to get signed up onto the three different interfaces needed for this university and then to register . It was so cumbersome and difficult that I started to have doubts about going back to school . I had to tell someone at the school how awful this process was . I mean , if they knew they would change it , right ? The next day , when I felt better , I composed a letter to the assistant at my department . I hated to begin a relationship with a complaint . But I 'd do it . I figured things couldn 't change unless someone talked about what wasn 't working . Unfortunately when I complain about things or point out flaws in processes , the response is usually something like , " Really ? You 're the only one who has ever mentioned this . You must be really sensitive . " I wrote the letter . I said I was sorry to start out complaining , but I wanted to know why they used three different interfaces for each student at one university . I told her registering was awful . I would need to use these interfaces daily , and it couldn 't be torture every day ; if it was , I wasn 't willing to do it . I did try to call first , by the way . The person I needed to talk with was out of the office , so I sent off the letter . Once something gets in my head , I need to get it out or else it gets caught in my brain like a hamster on a wheel . I needed to either have the conversation with someone about the problems or I needed to send the email . Only then would I stop thinking about it . I felt for sure I was going to get the standard reply : " This is the way is it . Get over it . " Fortunately that 's not the answer I got . The assistant acknowledged problem . It was something they were working on . She also acknowledged that the registration process was not ideal , and she gave me some hints to make it easier next time . She was amazed that I had accomplished so much without any help . I got my financial award letter . They ( the federal government ) believed we could afford $ 5 , 000 a year for my education . This was exactly what Mario and I had figured . They offered to loan us the rest . Actually they offered to loan us about three times more than I needed . Mario and I talked , and we decided we would get a loan for half of the tuition . I looked up how much interest we would have to pay on this loan and discovered that by the time we paid it off , we would have paid about thirty percent above and beyond the principal . That didn 't sound like a low - interest student loan to me ; it sounded like usury . I also found out about what books I 'd need for my classes . One of them was $ 175 . That was over half my weekly pay . I kept wondering how the average person managed to go to school nowadays . I emailed my advisor some questions about the program , and she emailed me back that I needed to chill out . She didn 't use those words , but that was the essence of the email . I needed to get through these first two classes before I made any plans for other semesters . At first I was offended . How dare she advise me to stop my incessant planning and figuring . I wasn 't some twenty - something person who didn 't know what to do with the rest of her life , by god . I was a fifty - something person wondering what to do with the rest of her life . Much wiser than those twenty - somethings . Yes , well , I quickly realized my advisor was supposed to advise me . That was her job . And she was right . Why look at which classes I 'd take next year when I hadn 't even started my classes this year ? Maybe I 'd hate them . Maybe I wouldn 't be able to do the work . Maybe I 'd quit before I even started . I looked around for classes about sustainable building . Toxic building materials had made me sick . Was there something I could do to prevent this from happening to other people ? Why didn 't people use more sustainable and healthy building methods ? It was certainly possible nowadays . Were they ignorant of the dangers , or did they just not care ? Even buildings that were supposedly " green " weren 't always healthy . They might be energy efficient , but they didn 't necessarily use no - VOC materials . ( You know that smell that accompanies paint , carpeting , vinyl ? That 's outgassing . And what it is outgassing is " volatile organic compounds " or VOC . These compounds can cause all sorts of physical and mental problems and are especially hard on the little nervous systems of children . Some materials outgas for years . ) I should become a sustainability consultant and help people make those kinds of decisions . When the library remodeled , the librarian and the maintenance department didn 't know where to go to find carpet , flooring , and paint that were no - VOC . Mario and I did the research for them ( and we followed the advice of our friend Steve Rypka ) . That could be part of what I did in this new world of It 's Easy Being Green avec Kim . I found a certificate program in sustainable building at the community college in Portland . I loved this college . I went to one of the campuses nearly every Friday to help out my friend the anthropology professor with her class . ( Not that she needed my help . ) The class was usually in the technology building , this gorgeous space with an atrium and bamboo garden in the middle of it . Every Friday , my friend taught a shamanism class . Spring semester she taught Celtic shamanism . Last year it was Faery Shamanism . Next fall , she would be teaching Norse Shamanism . I got such a kick out of being a part of this class , sometimes sitting in the middle of the floor of the classroom drumming , sometimes going outside under the old Doug firs where we did ceremony honoring the land and the directions . It made sense to me that they would have a sustainable building program . I should have thought of it earlier . I filled out an application . A week or so later , I was accepted . Soon enough , I got my student ID and I logged onto their site . It took me about 30 seconds to get on , and everything was there : classes schedules , registration , financial info , email , bookstore , library . It had all the things I needed on one page after one login . It was such a joy after all my struggles with my university in Seattle . ( I sent an email to the assistant in Seattle to urge them to check out this student interface . ) As part of this process , I had to get my transcripts . I hadn 't really looked at what classes I 'd taken for years . I was startled as I flipped through the transcripts . Most of the time I took five classes a term , but sometimes I took six or seven classes ! I also worked twenty to thirty hours or more a week at a job . No wonder I 'd been stressed out and burned out most of the time . As I looked at these classes , I realized something was missing . I had not taken a single science class . I had signed up for an astronomy class , but I 'd gotten bored when I realized we would never be outside staring up at the stars , so I dropped out . I took several psychology courses if you count that as science . Other than that : nothing . Which was strange . I had started high school wanting to be a research biologist . Now I wondered why I hadn 't taken any science classes . I was probably afraid . I was always working so much and so hard ; I couldn 't afford to take courses that were too tough or required lots of homework and risk the chance of flunking or getting a bad grade . Bad grades meant my average would drop and then I 'd lose any of my ( very small ) scholarships . I was also startled to see that I had taken two Math courses . I had no memory of taking two classes and only a vague memory of one . I had taken it at night and I remembered I had never been so bored in my life , except maybe when I took Logic . I hated logic . Loathed it . Loathed philosophy too . I didn 't understand what use logic would be in my life , yet I was supposed to take this course . With philosophy I felt like I had to read supposed wisdom written by a bunch of white men who sat around trying to figure out how many angels could fit on the head of a pin . What could be more useless ? Why weren 't they out working a job or cooking a meal or changing a diaper ? I was not impressed with them . I was a practical woman . Interesting how I would marry a man who majored in Math and Philosophy . Of course when he talked to me about Math or philosophers , I was fascinated . He knows how to tell a story . We have probably had more intense and fascinating conversations about math and philosophy than anything else , except possibly literature . Later Mario and I went into the city to the campus bookstore to get books for my class . One of the books was $ 125 . I groaned . Mario said , " It 's just the cost of doing business . " I gritted my teeth and bought them . As I carried the books out of the store , I thought about what I was doing . I was apparently incapable of doing anything slowly . Or doing one thing at a time . In the course of just a few weeks I had decided to totally upend my life . I was not only going to school in Seattle ; I was now going to school in Portland . This little country mouse was in for a ride . Two days after I found out I was accepted into the program , Mario had to go to the doctor . He 'd been having a pain in his arm for several months and it had gotten much much worse the day after he went to the dentist . He needed to see someone to try to fix it . Part of my anxiety problem revolves around doctors . I was never afraid of doctors or dentists when I was younger . I went to all my check - ups . Got all the exams I needed . Then one day I couldn 't do it any more . The idea of going to a doctor sent my blood pressure soaring . I was wracked with fear and loathing . I got this anxiety even if someone else had to go to a doctor . On Thursday , the day Mario had to go to the doctor , I felt like a basket case . I hadn 't been able to sleep the night before . In the morning , I couldn 't keep still , couldn 't relax . I thought I was going to go insane before he actually went to the doctor . Only someone who has intense fear can understand what this was like . It wasn 't anxiousness . It wasn 't butterflies . This was terror . My rational mind said one thing , " This is silly . Everything 's all right . They 'll figure out something simple to help him . " But my body was registering terror with all the accompanying symptoms : Racing heart , nausea , restlessness , sweating . Imagine the most afraid you 've ever been , unreasonable or reasonable fear , and then you might know what it felt like . What if always feels like . If you 've ever been assaulted , you understand what this fear was like . Trying to meditate didn 't help . It never does . Trying to breathe calmly didn 't help . It never does . I had this urge to run away . This is a common instinct when I 'm feeling terrorized . I believe it 's a primal urge . I want to get away from the danger . Most of the time when I want to run away , I tell myself that my reaction is the problem , and I can 't run away from me . That has kept me from spending thousands of dollars on hotels and gasoline as I tried to run away from the problem . If the problem is you , there ain 't nowhere to go . But this time , I felt like I was going to explode . I understand that expression . I used to think , how could someone feel like they were going to explode ? But it does feel as though something is going to give if I don 't take action . It wasn 't raining so I decided to get in the car and drive the two hundred plus miles to Seattle to look around my new campus . I asked Mario if he wanted me to go to the doctor 's with him . He said no . I still don 't know if he was trying to spare me or if he didn 't really want the company . I got in the car and drove west on Highway 14 . I 'd only gotten a few miles when I started to feel better . All the chemicals and hormones pulsing through my body must have started to calm down . I felt like myself again . I began to cry . Was the rest of my life going to be spent like this ? I felt like Marlon Brandon in On the Waterfront . " I coulda been somebody , instead of a bum , which is what I am , let 's face it . " This anxiety - - this mind terror - - was my Rod Steiger , my brother Charley who sold me out . I pulled off the road and went into the nearby Doestch Ranch park to call Mario . I sobbed as I told him how much better I felt . All of this reminded me of when I 'd gone to visit my dad in Arizona recently . I 'd taken a train for the first leg of the trip to get to my dad . I spent the night in Santa Barbara after I got off the train , and then I rented a car . I drove from Santa Barbara to Phoenix . As I drove along the coast with the radio on , I was happy . I was ecstatic , actually . Joyful . And I was alone . I knew that everyone I loved was safe but far away , so I couldn 't see them or sense anything about them . I didn 't have to try and fix anything . I hadn 't been that happy for decades . I wondered then if I was only going to be happy and relaxed alone driving in a car . I wondered again this day . As I sat in the car in that park , the anxiety began to come back . I told Mario I was going to keep going . When I closed the phone , I stared out at the gorge cliffs across the field and the river from me . They were gorgeous in the morning light , the dark green trees highlighted with the sweet light of morning . I used to live just a few miles from here . After I 'd had to quit my job , we 'd moved to Skamania Landing . When we first got there , I was so dizzy and ill , I could barely walk across the room . Gradually I began to get better . I could walk across the room and do laundry . Then I could walk to the bottom of the stairs . Then I could walk to the bridge . Then across the bridge . Then to the turtle pond on the Doetsch property . Finally I was able to walk to these fields , where I now sat in the car in a parking lot . That was before it was a park . Back then , I walked on a path through the field . To the south , cottonwoods grew along the Columbia River . Across the river , the gorge cliffs rose . Sometimes when I looked at these cliffs , they seemed to be receding , continually moving away without actually going anywhere . I never figured out what caused this optical allusion but other people saw it when they walked with me . I remembered the first time I made it to this field , I felt like I was getting my life back . After being confined and constrained by illness , I felt free again . One time I reached this field and I began having trouble breathing . I was afraid I wouldn 't be able to get back home . I took my inhaler , but I was still having problems . I walked over to a copse of tall slender evergreens near one end of the field . Something about these little woods always captivated me . I was certain leprechauns romped through it . I don 't know why I thought of leprechauns . But on the day when I was having trouble breathing , I asked the leprechauns - - or the spirits of that place - - if they could help me . After this plea , I began to breathe more easily , and I made it safely back home . This field , this place , these trees , these rocks , these beings had been a part of my life for so many years . I was grateful today to have found this place again . The drive through the Columbia River Gorge was spectacular . It always is . I had lived here since 1987 and I never grew tired of it . But the drive up and down I - 5 is an exceedingly boring drive . My permaculture instructor suggested that I look at the landscape differently during my commute so that it would become interesting to me . I was hoping I could eventually do that . Today I didn 't want to think about anything . I listened to XM radio , and I drove . My mind relaxed . My body relaxed . It was the best medicine for me . I acknowledged that this medicine was not very sustainable . I was burning up fossil fuels . At least I was driving a supposedly fuel efficient car . An hour and a half later I pulled into at a rest stop . As I walked up toward the rest rooms , I felt strangely happy . I already had that road pulse . My body and vision throbbed a bit , as it always did during a long road trip . This felt so familiar . Driving and then stopping , driving and then stopping . Nothing else mattered . I wondered again if I was going to have to spend my life on the road , never at home , in order to be happy . I thought of all the novels I had written that ended with the word " home . " I rarely felt at home and neither did my characters . Many of my books are , at least in part , road trips . About four hours after I left home , I came over the hill and saw Seattle in the distance . It always looked cozy to me , and a bit elegant , tall buildings rising up from the land , almost like a copse of silvery trees - - like the leprechaun evergreens in the field at the Doetsch park . As soon as I went over the hill , I landed in Seattle traffic , one of the reasons we rarely come up to Seattle . It may be better now , but years ago , it could take four hours or seven hours to drive from our house to Seattle or from Seattle to our house . I hoped in the next year I would get to know and like Seattle better . Mario and I had great affection for Portland . We didn 't know Seattle well enough to like or loathe it , but we were wary of it . We couldn 't discern a center to Seattle . In Portland , you can drive downtown , park , and walk around and find lots of things . Often downtown Seattle felt deserted , at least where we went . And the drivers seemed crazy . Especially at rush hour . One time we were trying to leave Seattle and a semi - truck came close to crushing us . He knew he was doing it . I looked right into his eyes . He was furious and trying to hurt us . The people we did see in Seattle always looked dressed to the nines . The Pacific Northwest was known for its grunge look . I 've always appreciated it . I appreciated that out here you could dress anyway you wanted and people would barely notice your clothes . They noticed you . People were judged by the content of their character , not the content of their pocketbooks and how much moula they could spend on clothes . But the way people dressed in Seattle seemed more like Sex and the City lite than Pacific Northwest casual . Lately I 've noticed some of that in Portland . I 'll see some woman dressed like she was on the streets of New York City and I want to yell , " Hey , we don 't cotton to your kind here . Dress down or go home . " I recognize even as I have these impulses that I am judging someone by the content of her clothes , and I nudge myself toward compassion and tolerance . It 's just that I don 't want to live in a place where people are deemed worthy or unworthy based on their clothing . That seems so high school . Who wants to live perpetually in high school ? When my youngest sister moved from Michigan down to Santa Cruz , she was stunned by the way people dressed . She 'd call home to her friends and say , " These people leave the house without make - up ! They wear sweats ! " She had always been known for her style and fashion sense . She felt like she was losing part of her identity in Santa Cruz . She started dressing more casually and not focusing so much on how she looked . The traffic wasn 't too bad today . I got off the expressway and drove downtown Seattle . I noticed the people on the streets seemed to be very well - dressed . I could feel butterflies in my stomach . I was not going to fit in here . I kept driving until I saw the campus building . Across the street was an empty lot . I took a right and parked alongside the building . I saw a group of people milling around nearby a coffee - shack . Homeless ? This was definitely not the most well - heeled part of Seattle . My stomach fluttered again . Then I laughed at myself . Homeless or rich . Which do you want , Kim ? I wanted to go into this educational experience with a clean slate . I wasn 't going to withdraw from everything if people didn 't act exactly like I wanted them to . I wanted to overcome some of my own character defects and communication flaws . I got out of the car and got a parking ticket and stuck it on the driver side window . I closed the door and locked the car . I glanced all around me - - I was in the big city now . Then I walked down the sidewalk and around the building . It was a bright sunny day . I walked into the building . I saw the front desk immediately , to my right . Next to the door was a statue of a pig . A mosiac pig , all shiny with pieces of colored glass . I wanted to put my hand on her and say hello , but I felt a bit overwhelmed and overstimulated at that moment . ( I later learned she is called Pig of the Future formally and Ms . Coco , for Commitment to Change , informally . ) The person at the desk was obviously busy . People lined up to ask her questions , plus she was answering the phone . She looked harried . She looked at me expectantly when it was my turn . " The sign on the door said to register at the front desk , " I said , " so I 'm registering . I 'm going to be a new student in July . " Just past the pig and the front desk was a kind of gathering place . I noticed chairs . And the light was dim and relaxing . I wanted to take in every details , but I didn 't . I didn 't ground or relax or look around . I felt like a stranger in a strange land who had already had a stressful day . I went into the rest room . When I got out , I walked down the corridor past the library until I saw people in an office . I went in and introduced myself . The woman at the desk was very kind . She encouraged me to walk around and go to the library . The admission 's adviser was gone for several days . I thanked the woman at the desk . I went to the library and asked if someone could show me how to use sakai , the online program I 'd be using for my classes . I glanced around . It was a small library , probably half the size of the first library I worked at , the one my library mentor at the University of Arizona called a dinky . I think she meant it pejoratively , but I 've always had great affection for small libraries . The librarian came out and introduced herself . We sat together at the computer . The program looked fairly straight - forward . I began to start to feel comfortable again . After she was finished , I left the library and began wandering again . I must have gone past the admission 's office again , because the kind woman at the desk leaned out the door and asked me if I 'd been upstairs yet . She took me up the stairs by Ms . Coco . At the top of the stairs , all the hustle and bustle of downstairs seemed to disappear . I felt myself instantly relax . We walked by an area where several people sat at tables and chairs near a skylight . The light pouring down from the sky felt refreshing and soothing , almost like water coming down to create falls . I told the kind woman at the desk that I was studying at the Center for Creative Change . " You 've got your own place down here , " she said . " Where you can come any time . " We walked down a hallway and she opened a door and we went into the Center for Creative Change . Right near the door were couches and chairs where several people sat talking to one another . The kind woman at the desk showed me where the assistant usually sat , although she was gone today . Then she asked me if I wanted to meet anyone . I said sure ! She introduced me to the director , the one who had interviewed me . Then the kind woman left and I had a nice talk with the director . She then introduced me to the permaculture instructor who sat in his darkened office . She told him that I hadn 't decided firmly yet on which certificate I was going to get . " Yes , I 'm fascinated with food , " I said . I searched for something intelligent to say . " I 'm interested in getting healthy organic food and I love to eat . " I wanted to put my head in my hands . That 's all I could think of to say , " I love to eat ? " Oh my . It wasn 't even true . I didn 't think I particularly loved to eat . Any love of food had been whipped out of me over the years by experts telling me what I should and shouldn 't be eating . ( Remember , you 're allergic to the world , kid , and all her bounty . ) I was embarrassed by my inane remark . My only hope was that he would completely forget this conversation . We left him and I met another instructor . He had lived on the coast of Washington . We commiserated with one another about how tough it was to doing any work on the Washington or Oregon coast . When Mario and I lived in Bandon , we had been called " peace mongers . " As if wanting peace was a bad thing . I looked around . It felt cozy in here . My new place . I could probably fit in here . Soon after I left and went back outside . I checked my phone . Mario hadn 't called yet . It was rush hour , but I decided I wanted to see where I was going to stay during my sojourns to Seattle . I had found a reasonably priced place at a religious establishment that catered to travelers as part of their charity work . It didn 't matter that I wasn 't religious . It was a kindness on their part . It took me four tries before I got going on the right road . Everyone was zooming by me at 300 mph . At least . The lanes were so narrow . I couldn 't figure out how everyone could go so fast on these narrow lanes . Soon enough I got off that road and drove under another freeway . When I looked at the huge cement pillars that held up the highway , I was reminded of a dream I had had recently about the end of the world . I had seen a pillar just like this one . I found the house . It looked like it was in a decent part of town , somewhat isolated , but I hoped it would be safe . I next drove to a nearby vegetarian restaurant , Chaco Canyon , but it was so busy and noisy , I decided to skip it . I had had enough excitement for the day . I found I - 5 and drove into the rush hour fray . Mario called . I did what I usually don 't do . I answered the phone . ( I had an earplug in so it was hands free . ) He was fine . The doctor said he was having trouble with his rotator cuff . She was sending him to physical therapy . I was relieved . Physical therapy meant he could get some help . All that anxiety for nothing . I drove on . Later I called my father . I tried calling my sister , the one in Scottsdale , but she didn 't answer . I wanted to talk to someone . Tell them about my day . I missed my best friend . She had died four ( or five ? ) years ago , and I still didn 't have anyone I could call a best friend . No one I could commiserate with . No one I could share my deepest darkest secrets with . My youngest sister was the closest I had to that and she wasn 't answering her phone lately . She was going back to school , too , plus working two jobs while trying to adjust to life in a concrete city where it was 100 degrees out . I don 't even remember what we talked about . I sat in a gas station parking lot just listening to his voice . Hearing about his physical therapy . About the flowers in his garden . About the dinner he would make for company that weekend . I wished I lived closer . But it wasn 't easy being around people I cared about . Too much anxiety . I continued homeward . I stopped the Olympia food co - op . We always stopped there on our way to or from Seattle . We stopped at food co - ops and libraries wherever we could find them . I couldn 't find anything to eat for dinner there , so I bought gluten - free dairy - free chocolate chip cookies . They weren 't sugar - free . Sugar plays havoc with my depression , but I wanted some cookies . If I was a drinker , I probably would have wanted a beer . I bought the cookies . I got on the expressway again . As I was driving , I realized that I had essentially cured myself of the anxiety , at least temporarily , with this expedition to Seattle . Whatever part of my brain that was ill must get occupied when I drive . I had tried other ways of distracting myself over the years and they hadn 't worked . But this did . Was it because most of my attention was diverted with driving ? Or was it because driving is a mental and a physical process ? This felt huge . Could I figure out what part of my brain was causing me trouble and then work to fix it ? I had tried mindfulness - based cognitive therapy for my depression and it had helped a great deal . But it had not assuaged the anxiety . And just trying to distract myself with busy work had never alleviated my anxiety . I got more and more excited . Maybe I could get fixed . Maybe I wouldn 't be stuck with this demon the rest of my life . I could do research or something . Ask my old therapists . My naturopath . I looked around at the landscape . Why had I always thought this drive was boring ? Deciduous and evergreen trees grew up all around me . I was essentially driving through a forest . The road curved , I curved with it . Go with the flow . . . I remembered Dorothy in the land of Oz , in the Emerald City . All she wanted to do there was find home . That , apparently , was my life 's work : to find home on this planet and in my body . You can read a fascinating interview with Mario here . I learn from him every single day , and I learned things from this interview I didn 't know . I 'm so glad he 's in my world ! Read more here . . . ( I 've decided to write about going back to school , because , well , that 's what I do . It is more than you ever wanted to know ! My intention is to keep my interactions with other people generally private . Although obviously other people will be important to my experiences , I won 't violate anyone 's privacy . I 'll only include conversations that aren 't private , unless I just include my side of the conversation . Those of you who 've been reading my posts for years know that I 'm pretty good at keeping people anonymous unless they give me permission to write about them . The subtitle of these posts is not reality yet , but my hope is that repair , healing , and much more will come to pass . ) Introduction When the Deepwater Drilling rig blew up in the Gulf of Mexico on Earth Day 2010 causing the worst environmental disaster in our country 's history , I didn 't know what to do . I was angry and depressed . I felt fear and horror as I watched the disaster unfold . No one seemed to know what to do . I wondered , " Where were all the smart people who can fix stuff like this ? " Of course , stuff like this should have never happened . After decades of lax regulations and a kind of legal deification of big corporations , it was happening . We couldn 't deny it . What could I do ? I called the President . I called my elected officials . I begged them to do something , to stop relying on information from British Petroleum . I felt like I was watching one of those dystopian novels I had read as a teenager come to life . Like Brave New World or 1984 , where the corporations are the government and if you say a lie long enough , it becomes the truth as far as anyone else was concerned . I suddenly felt as though I had no useful skills . I 'm a writer and I 'm a librarian . I had written a novel in response to Hurricane Katrina . It was a beautiful novel ( Ruby 's Imagine ) but I couldn 't see that it had changed anything . And I feel like those of us working in public libraries are on the front lines , protecting intellectual freedoms from anyone who would destroy or limit them . Unfortunately , my library wasn 't very " green . " They remodeled using toxic materials which caused me to become so ill I had to quit my job . I now selected books part - time from home . Neither my skills as a writer or as a librarian felt useful at this moment . I had also been a social and environmental activist most of my life , starting when I was in elementary school trying to save killdeer nests from marauding boys . But it seemed that any skills I had acquired over the years from my many unsuccessful battles and skirmishes were also useless . I felt the bell jar of depression and anxiety beginning to fall . One night I couldn 't sleep . I have advocated a sea change in this country for some time . We seemed soullessly consumptive . I remembered recently being at a workshop where the facilitator figuratively shook her finger at us and told us we needed to change how we looked at the world ; we needed to change our lives . ( The topic isn 't important to this discussion . ) I grew quite irritated with her . How dare she tell me , a grown woman , how I should live my life ? In that moment , I understood how other people probably felt when I began ranting about our consumer culture , the perils of capitalism , our dependence upon fossil fuels , or whatever other lecture I taken out from up my sleeve . I didn 't want to lecture anyone . It wasn 't nice and it wasn 't effective . I didn 't want to battle any more either . It was absolutely ineffective . We couldn 't sit around waiting for the government to tell us what to do . We couldn 't wait for anyone to tell us what to do . No more waiting . No more talking . How about some practical skills ? I certainly needed some . I wanted to learn how people could live on this planet in our cities or out in the country and still be a part of the environment - - not a part from it , not pariahs amongst the wild , but a part of the whole ecological community . Then I could help create places that were energy efficient and safe and healthy to human inhabitants and the surrounding environments . I sat on the couch with my computer in front of me and began looking for places where I could learn these skills . I didn 't want to get another Master 's degree ; I already had two . I didn 't want a Ph . D . ; I couldn 't afford it and I wasn 't interested in teaching . In the middle of the night , I stumbled upon a nine - month certificate program in ecological planning and design in Seattle , Washington , two hundred plus miles north of where I lived . The program included electives in permaculture and food systems , another area of interest for me . ( Mario and I had signed up to take a two week permaculture course in California a few months after 9 / 11 happened . We cancelled , deciding instead to stay closer to home . Now nine and half years later , maybe it was time to try again . ) The next morning I talked it over with Mario . If I took the program over the next year , we could probably afford it if we got a loan , unless something drastic happened to our incomes . As I talked about it , I wondered if I was crazy . I was famous in our family for having great ideas . I was a visionary ! But once I had the vision , I was often ready to move on . I enjoyed planning a party or a class or a ceremony more than I actually enjoyed the event , whatever it was . I could go onto a work site and figure out what wasn 't working or what was working inefficiently . I 'd usually know how to fix it , too . But I didn 't necessarily want to stay around and keep doing the day to day work . This was a strength and a weakness with me . I was willing to try new things . Recently I had rented a room in a healing center to do Reiki and shamanic work . I loved the space , and I loved being there by myself . I enjoyed working with clients , too . But I didn 't like promoting myself . I didn 't like waiting around to have people come see me . I didn 't like being stuck in Portland traffic . It was a three month experiment which told me a lot about what I wanted and didn 't want . Some people might call that a failure ; I called it a learning experience , although I was a little frustrated with myself for not making it more financially successful . When I was young I knew I was smart ; I was sure this meant I could always take care of myself . When I got sick , all that assurance went out the window . Now I knew I could easily be one of those people who ended up homeless and living on the street . Since then , I had been looking for a way to get a more steady income - - more steady than intermittent writing income - - without changing my beliefs about living and working sustainably . Maybe going back to school could do that for me . But I didn 't want to drain my family - - Mario and me - - of any more of our finances . What if going to school was just one more way to educate me uselessly ? Mario encouraged me to go for it . First I talked with an admissions advisor . We talked about the certificates . I told her my concerns about going to school and spending all of this money and then not getting a job or any work out of it . She didn 't have a real answer to that . What could she say ? " I guarantee you 'll find work ? " Next I told her I only want to go to school if it was a green campus . She said it was . They didn 't use pesticides and they used green building practices : no - VOC paints and carpets when needed . She told me it was an old building , but they did the best they could despite that . I then wrote to the permaculture course instructor . I told him my life history in about a page . After I sent the email , I felt embarrassed . How could I so easily tell a stranger about my life and who I was ? I wasn 't sure why I did it . I wanted these people to know life had not been easy for me . Illness and financial woes had taken a toll . But mostly I wanted them to know I hadn 't succeeded at making anything better in the world , despite my efforts . I didn 't tell him everything , of course . I didn 't say that I struggled with anxiety and depression . Didn 't tell him that sometimes incessant worry possessed me like some demented neurotic demon that I couldn 't shake loose no matter what I did . I didn 't usually tell anyone that . I 'd always had a touch of anxiety , even when I was a kid . When I was in my early twenties , I caught a glimpse of my diagnosis in the file on my shrink 's desk : chronic depression . When I saw those two words , I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach . It sounded like a life sentence : chronic depression . Chronic meant it would never go away , right ? In my mid - twenties , a doctor told me I had something called environmental illness . She told me I was essentially allergic to the world . This was devastating news . I loved the world . Now it was making me sick ? I had to change everything about my life . The way I ate , drank , dressed , lived . I stopped drinking . I began eating organic foods . I tried to lessen my stress and take time to relax , but I was in college , working nearly full time while going to school full time . I didn 't know how to relax . The diagnosis evolved over the years . What I had was now called " multiple chemical sensitivities . " ( This is essentially what the workers and some residents in the Gulf now have ; the doctors call it tilt : toxicant induced loss of tolerance . ) I didn 't like any of the diagnoses I 'd gotten over the years . They all felt like a curse , a life - sentence . As I tried to protect myself from " the world , " my life felt more and more constrained . Less and less joyful . And my incessant worrying got worse , coming and going until it seemed to settle in good and hard after my mother died two and a half years ago . Maybe that was because I started eating less healthy . Maybe it was because I had also lost two very close friends two years before that . Maybe it was because of the two surgeries I had had , although they had cleared my sinuses so that I could actually breathe through my nose for the first time in nearly fifteen years . Maybe it was because I was now in my fifties and I felt like half of my life had been spent in illness . More than half . I didn 't know why I had this chronic anxiety . Doctors , acupuncturists , naturopaths , cranio - sacral therapists , all manner of therapists , and shamans had not been able to help . It started to feel as though this unsustainable part of myself was hardwired to me and there was no way to riven it from my real self - - because I was sure my real true self did not cower in fear or anxiety because she couldn 't get her mind right . In any case , after the permaculture instructor read my email ( where I didn 't mention my anxiety ) , he asked me to call him . So I did . We talked about his permaculture class and the program at his university . I told him I had worked on many environmental projects . I had also been part of the Sanctuary movement when I lived on the coast of Oregon - - on the fringes of it while I was in a peace group there . I had organized and marched against the war in Iraq . I had sued my county after they illegally sprayed pesticides in front of my house . I had fought many battles , and I was tired . He talked about cultivating resilience . With my voice shaking with tears , I said , " I feel as though I have no more resilience . " " I promise you at the end of this , " he said , " you will find your resilience again . " I felt like I was talking to someone who was like - minded . I realized I wanted to be around people who shared my world view again and who were willing to work for their communities . I didn 't want to lead anyone anywhere or teach anyone anything . Not right now . I wanted to learn new skills . I wanted to learn to earn a living doing something meaningful . After our conversation concluded , I filled out an online application to the graduate certificate program . Part of the application included a five page essay about who I was and why I was drawn to this program . In the middle of the night , I also filled out a financial aid form called FAFSA . I wasn 't eligible for any grants - - there weren 't many for graduate students - - but I might be eligible for a loan . It was strange filling out all these applications . To see once again where I 'd been . Got my Bachelor of Science degree at Eastern Michigan University where my father had gotten his degree . Then my Master of Arts . I 'd stayed at EMU because it was comfortable and because I got a gig as a graduate assistant teaching freshman English . I took a writing class at Michigan State University as my very last class for my Master 's degree : that was when I met Mario . I 'd worked at a kitchen cabinetry place during my college years . The building used to fill up with deft spray lacquer . I 'd run outside to get away from it . I thought it was toxic stuff , but my boss would get angry if I said anything about it . She said that 's what they did and if I didn 't like it I needed to quit . Mario and I moved to the coast of Oregon a year after we met to make our way in the world as freelance writers . I worked at a restaurant and then ran a food co - op for a while . Both of those jobs ended badly . So I became librarian at a tiny library . Two years later , we moved to Arizona where I went to library school . I developed terrible allergies in Tucson , along with asthma . I remembered students walking across the campus lawns as a man in a hazmat suit rode atop an herbicide spraying machine . I remembered the Catalinas turning red every evening from pollution . I couldn 't wait for the year to end so we could get back to the Pacific Northwest . But I couldn 't focus on that . That was all in the past . Going to school was a new direction . Maybe I would finally find a sustainable and healthy way to make a living . Maybe I would actually get well again . Or for the first time . Soon enough I had an appointment with the director for June 1 . She needed to interview me before I was admitted . The weather was so bad I asked if we could change it to a phone appointment . I didn 't relish driving in a torrential rainstorm for four and a half hours . It was the first time in the twenty - three years that I 've lived here that I 've ever cancelled an appointment because of the rain . At the appointed time , the phone rang and we began our interview . The director wanted to know why I had chosen her school . Then she talked about their view of teaching . Instructors didn 't act as " sages on stages " but as " guides on the sides . " Part of the purpose of the program was to teach people about effective collaboration . Group work was essential . I told her I had had bad experiences working in groups . First there was the food co - op in Bandon , Oregon . My bosses had been the co - op board . Twelve of the most dysfunctional people I had ever met . They seemed to believe that because it was a food co - op and they believed in peace and love that everything would turn out . When one of the board members went psycho and threatened me in front of the entire board , with spit spewing , cigarette in one hand and finger poking at me with the other hand , not one of them did a thing to stop him or protest his behavior . I later had to call the police on him , and I resigned from the co - op . That was my most infamous experience with group work . But I 'd had other experiences . The director said that we could learn as much from those bad experiences as we could from the more successful one . She suggested I write down my group experiences before beginning the program to see what I had learned . I agreed that would be a helpful exercise . I told her I was quite willing and eager to work in groups . I wanted to learn how to collaborate more effectively . I had become somewhat of a lone wolf . I wrote alone . I did my library work alone . I had come to believe I worked better alone without all that human interaction . She also said that working on the computer was very important . Since our classes only met once a month , we needed to keep in touch and collaborate via computers . I told her I was quite comfortable with computers and as long as the software worked on a Mac , I 'd be fine . At one point when we were talking , she said that we wouldn 't see any cultural changes in our lifetime . This work we did was for the long haul . We needed to realize this to keep our sanity . I didn 't argue with her , but I thought , " I don 't think we have time to wait . " I kept thinking of the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico . Starting to get my land legs again , I think . At least I 'm not waking up in the morning shaking . Mario seems to be doing better every day , although last night he had trouble sleeping because of the pain . I can 't sleep next to Mario yet . When I try , I spend most of the night watching him and wanting to wake him up to see if he 's feeling better . So I start out with him , and then I go downstairs to the couch . I 've been having lots of dreams on that couch . Last night , I dreamed a huge pack of dogs was chasing Mario . I told him to run and I ran toward the dogs to save Mario . I was tossing dogs left and right . The night before I had a solution to the Gulf of Mexico disaster . When I woke up , I wondered why they hadn 't done it yet . I feel like cooking again . This is a good sign . Maybe cooking will ground me . It 's been raining for so many weeks . I 've got to do something . Been too distracted to write as much as I 'd like . Been doing lots of library work . Today I cooked a bunch of stuff using recipes from David Tanis 's A Platter of Figs and Other Recipes . I decided on lots of protein , lots more than we usually have , especially all in one meal : salmon , eggs , chicken broth . I made fried egg soup , wild salmon , and cucumber salad . I used Tanis 's recipes as a template . Instead of frying the eggs as he suggested , I baked them sunnyside up . Then I put one each in a white bowl and poured the chicken broth over it . Just lovely ! ( I made the broth from organic chicken wings , garlic , ginger , and a bit of kale in the end . ) It was amazingly simple , lovely , and delicious . The cucumber salad was supposed to be Vietnamese cucumbers , but I skipped the hot peppers . Instead I cut up a cucumber , poured juice from half a lemon over it , ground black pepper into it and put it in the fridge to chill . When it was time to serve it , I added just a dash of olive oil , a bit of salt , some scallion slices , and then mixed it all up . Dessert was probably the best part . I heated up some frozen strawberries . Then I made chocolate sauce . I heated up water and some agave syrup . Then I shook in some organic pure dark cocoa powder . I stirred it all until it was melted and had the consistency of syrup . I cut up bananas and put them in a bowl ; then I poured strawberries and their juice over the bananas . I poured the chocolate syrup over all that . When we finished eating it , we stood over the nearly empty chocolate sauce pan and dipped bananas into the chocolate . Mmmmm . Mario and I went walking after work . We met in - between home and the library . The day was crawling to dusk . We grinned as we caught sight of each other . We waved and hurried toward one another . The clouds above were shapes and colors I don 't know how to describe . It was as if each of them was some kind of sky creature . And of course they were . One cloud seemed to twist a bit as it moved overhead . It was the color of coriander with a sprinkle of gray . Coming up behind it was a giant of a cloud , buffed up and out and bluish . What is that color of blue ? Like the blue of swallows , almost like night yet more ethereal if ethereal meant strong and powerful and so beautiful it makes your knees shake . We stood in the middle of the street , our mouths agape , looking up . Before us was the county jail . Behind us was the wall of holly shielding the elementary school from the jail . Above was beauty . Words failed me . I just thought , this I love . We walked down to the river near the fairgrounds . We stood on the bridge and watched the swallows . They were careening above the water , doing somersaults in the air and skimming the roiling water , dark boomerang shapes against the white sky just above the gorge cliffs . When we got home , it was nearly night . The poppies all over our lawn stood up straight , their orange leaves closed up like umbrellas at a resort . We walked up our steps carefully so that we would not to disturb the poppies hanging over the stairs . Now it is night . Mario 's about to go to sleep . I hear him moving upstairs . I think , this I love . I hear something tapping on the living room window and realize it 's rain . The clouds have come down to Earth . I think I 'll go outside and dance amongst the clouds for a bit before I go to sleep . Do you suppose they 've been waiting for me , whispering , this I love ? I almost quit school before I began today . Geez . I have such a headache . First they couldn 't find my financial aid info because they had my wrong social security number . Then they sent me information on scholarships that didn 't even pertain to me , but I didn 't figure that out right away . So there went a couple of hours . ( They are all very nice , but I have a feeling I am already a pain in the ass to them . ) Then I signed up to all the stuff I had to sign up for online after I got my packet . I have THREE different accounts that I have to log on to . Which means I have to remember what all these three different accounts do , along with the passwords . Plus I have a new email account . My head is spinning . I 'm not kidding . I can get a loan for the whole thing , which I 'm not going to do . I figure I 'll get a loan for half , about $ 5 , 000 . I looked at the interest on this low - interest loan . If I take as long as they say I can take , I 'd be paying almost $ 2 , 000 in interest ! Geez freaking Louise . How do people do this ? We have a couple thousand dollars in stocks from ten years ago . It started out as three thousand . I think we did that when I sold a novel . Unfortunately with all the crashes , we lost a lot of it , especially if you count we never got any interest on it . Anyway , we 'll cash that out and take out the loan and we should be all right . I 'm very grateful I can even think of doing this . But right now I 'm exhausted . Did I mention I have a headache ? On top of that , the registration process wasn 't pretty . You can 't just look at a list of the classes , click on them , and register . You have to search for them and the search process is not good . Why doesn 't everyone just follow google on this ? I searched for the classes I wanted for an hour . AND I ' M ONLY TAKING TWO OF THEM . It kept coming up saying the classes didn 't exist even though I knew they did . I was in tears . Man , if I can 't do this stuff , maybe I can 't do the other stuff . I really don 't like being on a computer for this long . I want to do some ecological planning and design on this registration process . Mario put his arms around me for the first time in a week . Yay ! He went to the physical therapist today and then we came home and did the exercises . Well , he did them . I cheered him on . ( It 's so difficult to see him in pain . Just breaks my heart . So I went to the acupuncturist so that I wouldn 't break my heart . ) The exercises are really helping . As I said , he could put his arms around me without being in pain . Good for both of us . And I fell in love with a chair tonight . Yep . I 'm ready to buy it wine and bring it flowers . Man . We were looking for ergonomic furniture for Mario , and he mentioned Herman Miller 's chairs . We went to the website and found the Embody chair . OMG . Yes , I just typed OMG . It 's beautiful . It 's ergonomically correct . They use recycled material . It 's environmentally cool . And it 's beautiful . ( Yes , I said that twice . ) It 's way expensive , but I still want to date it . That 's what good design can do . Also , I got into school . Yay ! I start in July . Now I 'll rustle up some money . I 'm also going to take a class here in Portland on architectural drawing . A good thing to have to help me with my ecological planning and design courses . All right . More tomorrow , I hope . I want to get back to writing . Not that I 've been a slacker . I revised The Blue Tail this weekend and sent it out again . Let 's keep on movin ' ! I 'm looking out at sunshine . Almost unbelievable . It 's been raining for so long . Yes , I know people believe it rains all the time in the Pacific Northwest , but it doesn 't . In fact , June through August is pretty dry . Yesterday I was supposed to drive up to Seattle for an interview at the university where I 'm going to get a graduate certificate , but it was so rainy , I actually changed it to a phone interview . I don 't think I 've ever cancelled an appointment because of rain . The poppies and peonies are all squashed down from the rain . Or were . The poppies have rebounded . The peonies are still halfway pressed to the ground . Pink petals are scattered near them , like discarded clothes after a night on the town . I haven 't been sleeping . Mario 's been in pain . Whenever he is sick , I don 't sleep . Someday I will conquer this incessant and insistent anxiety I have . Conquer is probably not the right work . Terrorism . That 's a good word for how this feels . Mind terrorism . And we all know you can 't wage a war on terrorism . You can 't feed it , either . I 've tried that . To eat it away . Sleep it away . Ignore it away . None of that works .
|
On Monday , the day before I was starting class in Portland , I woke up ill . And I didn 't feel any better on Tuesday . I didn 't want to skip the class . It only met once a week . I couldn 't believe I was so sick . This felt like one of my unsustainable patterns exerting itself in my life . It went something like this : I worked too hard , I worked too hard , I worked too hard , and I 'd get sick . Then I 'd have to peel away those things in my life that weren 't serving me . I took a walk around town early afternoon to see if I could actually drive to Portland and walk to class . I was able to do it . I had to stop a lot , but I made it down to the post office and back up again . At 4 : 30 , I got into the car and drove to Portland . I got stuck in rush hour traffic so I didn 't make it to campus until just a few minutes before 6 : 00 . I went to the building where I thought the class was , my favorite building on campus with the atrium and bamboo garden , but there was no classroom 238 . Oh man . I got the wrong building ? It was 6 : 00 now . Probably nothing was open on campus for me to find out where the real class was . I was having too much trouble breathing to be running all over campus . I walked over to my friend Mary 's department . If she was there , she could help me out . The door was locked . I couldn 't believe I had driven all this way and now I was going to have to drive back home . I felt a little panicky because I felt too sick to actually walk to the other side of campus where the library was - - and probably a class schedule . Then I heard someone call my name . I turned around . Mary was leaning out the door . I was so happy to see her . I couldn 't really talk easily because of the laryngitis ; I was able to convey that I couldn 't find my class . Fortunately , Mary had a schedule and she figured out the classroom was in the building across from the one I was at . I didn 't have far to go . I walked around the building and found 238 . I opened the door and went inside . I couldn 't smell anything , because I couldn 't smell anything . But it reminded me of my physics lab from high school which always smelled slightly of pipe tobacco . Long tables with computers on them faced the instructor who sat at a table . Behind him was a huge white board . No windows . No air . Ugly green healable plastic on the tables . Cluttered tables and shelves at the back of the room . I sat down and immediately turned off the computer screen in front of me . I listened to my wheezy lungs as I sat breathing , trying to relax and get my bearings . Then the teacher began talking . He said we would learn how a residential home was built , from the ground up . We would learn about all the different systems and how they functioned within the building . I wanted to become more knowledgeable about building systems . This would help me evaluate buildings and the environment more intelligently , so that I didn 't suggest anything stupid or untenable . For instance , the instructor talked about someone plugging up air holes in their house to help with the heating bill ; this cut off the air flow in the house which then helped grow mold . They had to tear the house down . Things like that . Soon the teacher started talking about the building codes which he seemed disgusted by . And he talked about energy efficiency and " green " policies with derision . He said that all green ideas were more expensive ideas . He went on and on about some government policies . In Colorado , he said , the water from your roof does not belong to you and you can 't capture it . It 's considered to be part of a river or tributary so it must be allowed to continue on its way . In Arizona , on the other hand , you must capture the water from your roof if your building is over 2500 square feet . He said the government was going to start going door to door talking with people about energy efficiency and forcing them to make changes . I growled to myself . I was taking this class as part of a sustainable building certificate and the instructor was going to deride any " green " methods for the next twelve weeks ? Plus I 'd have to sit and listen to him bash " the government " for that same amount of time . I wanted to raise my hand and say , " Hey , I work for the government . So does my husband . We work for the library . My father worked for the government , first in the Air Force and then as a teacher . You work for the government because this school gets funds from taxes . " But I sat quietly . For years before the Oklahoma bombing , I was furious with the " government . " Years of Reaganomics had shredded our infrastructure and our manufacturing base . I despised what George Bush had done in Iraq . And then when Bill Clinton got into office , one of the first things he did was " don 't ask , don 't tell , " which I thought of as a complete betrayal . Then Timothy McVeigh blew up the Alfred P . Murrow building . I sat watching that horror on TV and wondering what had happened to us as a nation . McVeigh was anti - government . He hated our government . I decided then and there that I was nothing like him and I didn 't want to participate in the kind of rhetoric that would lead to something like that . It was one thing to criticize our policies , which I continue to do , but to feed extremism was irresponsible . I had the creepy feeling as I sat in this classroom that this man was feeding that kind of extremism with his offhand remarks . I looked around the room . I didn 't have to take this class . I did not have to sit here for weeks listening to this man 's opinions . I might learn something , but at what cost ? I could barely breathe in this room , and I didn 't think it was all because of my cold . This was not my place , not my journey . He was not my teacher . I didn 't want to have this battle or this struggle in this room and this place . I wanted to learn from more evenhanded teachers . I got up and walked out the door . I drove home through the beautiful Columbia River Gorge . I felt relieved . Now I wouldn 't have to get stuck in traffic one a week . When I got home , I dropped the class . Then I curled up on the couch and tried to breathe and sleep . Read more here . . . Easier said than done . It took me an entire day to get signed up onto the three different interfaces needed for this university and then to register . It was so cumbersome and difficult that I started to have doubts about going back to school . I had to tell someone at the school how awful this process was . I mean , if they knew they would change it , right ? The next day , when I felt better , I composed a letter to the assistant at my department . I hated to begin a relationship with a complaint . But I 'd do it . I figured things couldn 't change unless someone talked about what wasn 't working . Unfortunately when I complain about things or point out flaws in processes , the response is usually something like , " Really ? You 're the only one who has ever mentioned this . You must be really sensitive . " I wrote the letter . I said I was sorry to start out complaining , but I wanted to know why they used three different interfaces for each student at one university . I told her registering was awful . I would need to use these interfaces daily , and it couldn 't be torture every day ; if it was , I wasn 't willing to do it . I did try to call first , by the way . The person I needed to talk with was out of the office , so I sent off the letter . Once something gets in my head , I need to get it out or else it gets caught in my brain like a hamster on a wheel . I needed to either have the conversation with someone about the problems or I needed to send the email . Only then would I stop thinking about it . I felt for sure I was going to get the standard reply : " This is the way is it . Get over it . " Fortunately that 's not the answer I got . The assistant acknowledged problem . It was something they were working on . She also acknowledged that the registration process was not ideal , and she gave me some hints to make it easier next time . She was amazed that I had accomplished so much without any help . I got my financial award letter . They ( the federal government ) believed we could afford $ 5 , 000 a year for my education . This was exactly what Mario and I had figured . They offered to loan us the rest . Actually they offered to loan us about three times more than I needed . Mario and I talked , and we decided we would get a loan for half of the tuition . I looked up how much interest we would have to pay on this loan and discovered that by the time we paid it off , we would have paid about thirty percent above and beyond the principal . That didn 't sound like a low - interest student loan to me ; it sounded like usury . I also found out about what books I 'd need for my classes . One of them was $ 175 . That was over half my weekly pay . I kept wondering how the average person managed to go to school nowadays . I emailed my advisor some questions about the program , and she emailed me back that I needed to chill out . She didn 't use those words , but that was the essence of the email . I needed to get through these first two classes before I made any plans for other semesters . At first I was offended . How dare she advise me to stop my incessant planning and figuring . I wasn 't some twenty - something person who didn 't know what to do with the rest of her life , by god . I was a fifty - something person wondering what to do with the rest of her life . Much wiser than those twenty - somethings . Yes , well , I quickly realized my advisor was supposed to advise me . That was her job . And she was right . Why look at which classes I 'd take next year when I hadn 't even started my classes this year ? Maybe I 'd hate them . Maybe I wouldn 't be able to do the work . Maybe I 'd quit before I even started . I looked around for classes about sustainable building . Toxic building materials had made me sick . Was there something I could do to prevent this from happening to other people ? Why didn 't people use more sustainable and healthy building methods ? It was certainly possible nowadays . Were they ignorant of the dangers , or did they just not care ? Even buildings that were supposedly " green " weren 't always healthy . They might be energy efficient , but they didn 't necessarily use no - VOC materials . ( You know that smell that accompanies paint , carpeting , vinyl ? That 's outgassing . And what it is outgassing is " volatile organic compounds " or VOC . These compounds can cause all sorts of physical and mental problems and are especially hard on the little nervous systems of children . Some materials outgas for years . ) I should become a sustainability consultant and help people make those kinds of decisions . When the library remodeled , the librarian and the maintenance department didn 't know where to go to find carpet , flooring , and paint that were no - VOC . Mario and I did the research for them ( and we followed the advice of our friend Steve Rypka ) . That could be part of what I did in this new world of It 's Easy Being Green avec Kim . I found a certificate program in sustainable building at the community college in Portland . I loved this college . I went to one of the campuses nearly every Friday to help out my friend the anthropology professor with her class . ( Not that she needed my help . ) The class was usually in the technology building , this gorgeous space with an atrium and bamboo garden in the middle of it . Every Friday , my friend taught a shamanism class . Spring semester she taught Celtic shamanism . Last year it was Faery Shamanism . Next fall , she would be teaching Norse Shamanism . I got such a kick out of being a part of this class , sometimes sitting in the middle of the floor of the classroom drumming , sometimes going outside under the old Doug firs where we did ceremony honoring the land and the directions . It made sense to me that they would have a sustainable building program . I should have thought of it earlier . I filled out an application . A week or so later , I was accepted . Soon enough , I got my student ID and I logged onto their site . It took me about 30 seconds to get on , and everything was there : classes schedules , registration , financial info , email , bookstore , library . It had all the things I needed on one page after one login . It was such a joy after all my struggles with my university in Seattle . ( I sent an email to the assistant in Seattle to urge them to check out this student interface . ) As part of this process , I had to get my transcripts . I hadn 't really looked at what classes I 'd taken for years . I was startled as I flipped through the transcripts . Most of the time I took five classes a term , but sometimes I took six or seven classes ! I also worked twenty to thirty hours or more a week at a job . No wonder I 'd been stressed out and burned out most of the time . As I looked at these classes , I realized something was missing . I had not taken a single science class . I had signed up for an astronomy class , but I 'd gotten bored when I realized we would never be outside staring up at the stars , so I dropped out . I took several psychology courses if you count that as science . Other than that : nothing . Which was strange . I had started high school wanting to be a research biologist . Now I wondered why I hadn 't taken any science classes . I was probably afraid . I was always working so much and so hard ; I couldn 't afford to take courses that were too tough or required lots of homework and risk the chance of flunking or getting a bad grade . Bad grades meant my average would drop and then I 'd lose any of my ( very small ) scholarships . I was also startled to see that I had taken two Math courses . I had no memory of taking two classes and only a vague memory of one . I had taken it at night and I remembered I had never been so bored in my life , except maybe when I took Logic . I hated logic . Loathed it . Loathed philosophy too . I didn 't understand what use logic would be in my life , yet I was supposed to take this course . With philosophy I felt like I had to read supposed wisdom written by a bunch of white men who sat around trying to figure out how many angels could fit on the head of a pin . What could be more useless ? Why weren 't they out working a job or cooking a meal or changing a diaper ? I was not impressed with them . I was a practical woman . Interesting how I would marry a man who majored in Math and Philosophy . Of course when he talked to me about Math or philosophers , I was fascinated . He knows how to tell a story . We have probably had more intense and fascinating conversations about math and philosophy than anything else , except possibly literature . Later Mario and I went into the city to the campus bookstore to get books for my class . One of the books was $ 125 . I groaned . Mario said , " It 's just the cost of doing business . " I gritted my teeth and bought them . As I carried the books out of the store , I thought about what I was doing . I was apparently incapable of doing anything slowly . Or doing one thing at a time . In the course of just a few weeks I had decided to totally upend my life . I was not only going to school in Seattle ; I was now going to school in Portland . This little country mouse was in for a ride . Two days after I found out I was accepted into the program , Mario had to go to the doctor . He 'd been having a pain in his arm for several months and it had gotten much much worse the day after he went to the dentist . He needed to see someone to try to fix it . Part of my anxiety problem revolves around doctors . I was never afraid of doctors or dentists when I was younger . I went to all my check - ups . Got all the exams I needed . Then one day I couldn 't do it any more . The idea of going to a doctor sent my blood pressure soaring . I was wracked with fear and loathing . I got this anxiety even if someone else had to go to a doctor . On Thursday , the day Mario had to go to the doctor , I felt like a basket case . I hadn 't been able to sleep the night before . In the morning , I couldn 't keep still , couldn 't relax . I thought I was going to go insane before he actually went to the doctor . Only someone who has intense fear can understand what this was like . It wasn 't anxiousness . It wasn 't butterflies . This was terror . My rational mind said one thing , " This is silly . Everything 's all right . They 'll figure out something simple to help him . " But my body was registering terror with all the accompanying symptoms : Racing heart , nausea , restlessness , sweating . Imagine the most afraid you 've ever been , unreasonable or reasonable fear , and then you might know what it felt like . What if always feels like . If you 've ever been assaulted , you understand what this fear was like . Trying to meditate didn 't help . It never does . Trying to breathe calmly didn 't help . It never does . I had this urge to run away . This is a common instinct when I 'm feeling terrorized . I believe it 's a primal urge . I want to get away from the danger . Most of the time when I want to run away , I tell myself that my reaction is the problem , and I can 't run away from me . That has kept me from spending thousands of dollars on hotels and gasoline as I tried to run away from the problem . If the problem is you , there ain 't nowhere to go . But this time , I felt like I was going to explode . I understand that expression . I used to think , how could someone feel like they were going to explode ? But it does feel as though something is going to give if I don 't take action . It wasn 't raining so I decided to get in the car and drive the two hundred plus miles to Seattle to look around my new campus . I asked Mario if he wanted me to go to the doctor 's with him . He said no . I still don 't know if he was trying to spare me or if he didn 't really want the company . I got in the car and drove west on Highway 14 . I 'd only gotten a few miles when I started to feel better . All the chemicals and hormones pulsing through my body must have started to calm down . I felt like myself again . I began to cry . Was the rest of my life going to be spent like this ? I felt like Marlon Brandon in On the Waterfront . " I coulda been somebody , instead of a bum , which is what I am , let 's face it . " This anxiety - - this mind terror - - was my Rod Steiger , my brother Charley who sold me out . I pulled off the road and went into the nearby Doestch Ranch park to call Mario . I sobbed as I told him how much better I felt . All of this reminded me of when I 'd gone to visit my dad in Arizona recently . I 'd taken a train for the first leg of the trip to get to my dad . I spent the night in Santa Barbara after I got off the train , and then I rented a car . I drove from Santa Barbara to Phoenix . As I drove along the coast with the radio on , I was happy . I was ecstatic , actually . Joyful . And I was alone . I knew that everyone I loved was safe but far away , so I couldn 't see them or sense anything about them . I didn 't have to try and fix anything . I hadn 't been that happy for decades . I wondered then if I was only going to be happy and relaxed alone driving in a car . I wondered again this day . As I sat in the car in that park , the anxiety began to come back . I told Mario I was going to keep going . When I closed the phone , I stared out at the gorge cliffs across the field and the river from me . They were gorgeous in the morning light , the dark green trees highlighted with the sweet light of morning . I used to live just a few miles from here . After I 'd had to quit my job , we 'd moved to Skamania Landing . When we first got there , I was so dizzy and ill , I could barely walk across the room . Gradually I began to get better . I could walk across the room and do laundry . Then I could walk to the bottom of the stairs . Then I could walk to the bridge . Then across the bridge . Then to the turtle pond on the Doetsch property . Finally I was able to walk to these fields , where I now sat in the car in a parking lot . That was before it was a park . Back then , I walked on a path through the field . To the south , cottonwoods grew along the Columbia River . Across the river , the gorge cliffs rose . Sometimes when I looked at these cliffs , they seemed to be receding , continually moving away without actually going anywhere . I never figured out what caused this optical allusion but other people saw it when they walked with me . I remembered the first time I made it to this field , I felt like I was getting my life back . After being confined and constrained by illness , I felt free again . One time I reached this field and I began having trouble breathing . I was afraid I wouldn 't be able to get back home . I took my inhaler , but I was still having problems . I walked over to a copse of tall slender evergreens near one end of the field . Something about these little woods always captivated me . I was certain leprechauns romped through it . I don 't know why I thought of leprechauns . But on the day when I was having trouble breathing , I asked the leprechauns - - or the spirits of that place - - if they could help me . After this plea , I began to breathe more easily , and I made it safely back home . This field , this place , these trees , these rocks , these beings had been a part of my life for so many years . I was grateful today to have found this place again . The drive through the Columbia River Gorge was spectacular . It always is . I had lived here since 1987 and I never grew tired of it . But the drive up and down I - 5 is an exceedingly boring drive . My permaculture instructor suggested that I look at the landscape differently during my commute so that it would become interesting to me . I was hoping I could eventually do that . Today I didn 't want to think about anything . I listened to XM radio , and I drove . My mind relaxed . My body relaxed . It was the best medicine for me . I acknowledged that this medicine was not very sustainable . I was burning up fossil fuels . At least I was driving a supposedly fuel efficient car . An hour and a half later I pulled into at a rest stop . As I walked up toward the rest rooms , I felt strangely happy . I already had that road pulse . My body and vision throbbed a bit , as it always did during a long road trip . This felt so familiar . Driving and then stopping , driving and then stopping . Nothing else mattered . I wondered again if I was going to have to spend my life on the road , never at home , in order to be happy . I thought of all the novels I had written that ended with the word " home . " I rarely felt at home and neither did my characters . Many of my books are , at least in part , road trips . About four hours after I left home , I came over the hill and saw Seattle in the distance . It always looked cozy to me , and a bit elegant , tall buildings rising up from the land , almost like a copse of silvery trees - - like the leprechaun evergreens in the field at the Doetsch park . As soon as I went over the hill , I landed in Seattle traffic , one of the reasons we rarely come up to Seattle . It may be better now , but years ago , it could take four hours or seven hours to drive from our house to Seattle or from Seattle to our house . I hoped in the next year I would get to know and like Seattle better . Mario and I had great affection for Portland . We didn 't know Seattle well enough to like or loathe it , but we were wary of it . We couldn 't discern a center to Seattle . In Portland , you can drive downtown , park , and walk around and find lots of things . Often downtown Seattle felt deserted , at least where we went . And the drivers seemed crazy . Especially at rush hour . One time we were trying to leave Seattle and a semi - truck came close to crushing us . He knew he was doing it . I looked right into his eyes . He was furious and trying to hurt us . The people we did see in Seattle always looked dressed to the nines . The Pacific Northwest was known for its grunge look . I 've always appreciated it . I appreciated that out here you could dress anyway you wanted and people would barely notice your clothes . They noticed you . People were judged by the content of their character , not the content of their pocketbooks and how much moula they could spend on clothes . But the way people dressed in Seattle seemed more like Sex and the City lite than Pacific Northwest casual . Lately I 've noticed some of that in Portland . I 'll see some woman dressed like she was on the streets of New York City and I want to yell , " Hey , we don 't cotton to your kind here . Dress down or go home . " I recognize even as I have these impulses that I am judging someone by the content of her clothes , and I nudge myself toward compassion and tolerance . It 's just that I don 't want to live in a place where people are deemed worthy or unworthy based on their clothing . That seems so high school . Who wants to live perpetually in high school ? When my youngest sister moved from Michigan down to Santa Cruz , she was stunned by the way people dressed . She 'd call home to her friends and say , " These people leave the house without make - up ! They wear sweats ! " She had always been known for her style and fashion sense . She felt like she was losing part of her identity in Santa Cruz . She started dressing more casually and not focusing so much on how she looked . The traffic wasn 't too bad today . I got off the expressway and drove downtown Seattle . I noticed the people on the streets seemed to be very well - dressed . I could feel butterflies in my stomach . I was not going to fit in here . I kept driving until I saw the campus building . Across the street was an empty lot . I took a right and parked alongside the building . I saw a group of people milling around nearby a coffee - shack . Homeless ? This was definitely not the most well - heeled part of Seattle . My stomach fluttered again . Then I laughed at myself . Homeless or rich . Which do you want , Kim ? I wanted to go into this educational experience with a clean slate . I wasn 't going to withdraw from everything if people didn 't act exactly like I wanted them to . I wanted to overcome some of my own character defects and communication flaws . I got out of the car and got a parking ticket and stuck it on the driver side window . I closed the door and locked the car . I glanced all around me - - I was in the big city now . Then I walked down the sidewalk and around the building . It was a bright sunny day . I walked into the building . I saw the front desk immediately , to my right . Next to the door was a statue of a pig . A mosiac pig , all shiny with pieces of colored glass . I wanted to put my hand on her and say hello , but I felt a bit overwhelmed and overstimulated at that moment . ( I later learned she is called Pig of the Future formally and Ms . Coco , for Commitment to Change , informally . ) The person at the desk was obviously busy . People lined up to ask her questions , plus she was answering the phone . She looked harried . She looked at me expectantly when it was my turn . " The sign on the door said to register at the front desk , " I said , " so I 'm registering . I 'm going to be a new student in July . " Just past the pig and the front desk was a kind of gathering place . I noticed chairs . And the light was dim and relaxing . I wanted to take in every details , but I didn 't . I didn 't ground or relax or look around . I felt like a stranger in a strange land who had already had a stressful day . I went into the rest room . When I got out , I walked down the corridor past the library until I saw people in an office . I went in and introduced myself . The woman at the desk was very kind . She encouraged me to walk around and go to the library . The admission 's adviser was gone for several days . I thanked the woman at the desk . I went to the library and asked if someone could show me how to use sakai , the online program I 'd be using for my classes . I glanced around . It was a small library , probably half the size of the first library I worked at , the one my library mentor at the University of Arizona called a dinky . I think she meant it pejoratively , but I 've always had great affection for small libraries . The librarian came out and introduced herself . We sat together at the computer . The program looked fairly straight - forward . I began to start to feel comfortable again . After she was finished , I left the library and began wandering again . I must have gone past the admission 's office again , because the kind woman at the desk leaned out the door and asked me if I 'd been upstairs yet . She took me up the stairs by Ms . Coco . At the top of the stairs , all the hustle and bustle of downstairs seemed to disappear . I felt myself instantly relax . We walked by an area where several people sat at tables and chairs near a skylight . The light pouring down from the sky felt refreshing and soothing , almost like water coming down to create falls . I told the kind woman at the desk that I was studying at the Center for Creative Change . " You 've got your own place down here , " she said . " Where you can come any time . " We walked down a hallway and she opened a door and we went into the Center for Creative Change . Right near the door were couches and chairs where several people sat talking to one another . The kind woman at the desk showed me where the assistant usually sat , although she was gone today . Then she asked me if I wanted to meet anyone . I said sure ! She introduced me to the director , the one who had interviewed me . Then the kind woman left and I had a nice talk with the director . She then introduced me to the permaculture instructor who sat in his darkened office . She told him that I hadn 't decided firmly yet on which certificate I was going to get . " Yes , I 'm fascinated with food , " I said . I searched for something intelligent to say . " I 'm interested in getting healthy organic food and I love to eat . " I wanted to put my head in my hands . That 's all I could think of to say , " I love to eat ? " Oh my . It wasn 't even true . I didn 't think I particularly loved to eat . Any love of food had been whipped out of me over the years by experts telling me what I should and shouldn 't be eating . ( Remember , you 're allergic to the world , kid , and all her bounty . ) I was embarrassed by my inane remark . My only hope was that he would completely forget this conversation . We left him and I met another instructor . He had lived on the coast of Washington . We commiserated with one another about how tough it was to doing any work on the Washington or Oregon coast . When Mario and I lived in Bandon , we had been called " peace mongers . " As if wanting peace was a bad thing . I looked around . It felt cozy in here . My new place . I could probably fit in here . Soon after I left and went back outside . I checked my phone . Mario hadn 't called yet . It was rush hour , but I decided I wanted to see where I was going to stay during my sojourns to Seattle . I had found a reasonably priced place at a religious establishment that catered to travelers as part of their charity work . It didn 't matter that I wasn 't religious . It was a kindness on their part . It took me four tries before I got going on the right road . Everyone was zooming by me at 300 mph . At least . The lanes were so narrow . I couldn 't figure out how everyone could go so fast on these narrow lanes . Soon enough I got off that road and drove under another freeway . When I looked at the huge cement pillars that held up the highway , I was reminded of a dream I had had recently about the end of the world . I had seen a pillar just like this one . I found the house . It looked like it was in a decent part of town , somewhat isolated , but I hoped it would be safe . I next drove to a nearby vegetarian restaurant , Chaco Canyon , but it was so busy and noisy , I decided to skip it . I had had enough excitement for the day . I found I - 5 and drove into the rush hour fray . Mario called . I did what I usually don 't do . I answered the phone . ( I had an earplug in so it was hands free . ) He was fine . The doctor said he was having trouble with his rotator cuff . She was sending him to physical therapy . I was relieved . Physical therapy meant he could get some help . All that anxiety for nothing . I drove on . Later I called my father . I tried calling my sister , the one in Scottsdale , but she didn 't answer . I wanted to talk to someone . Tell them about my day . I missed my best friend . She had died four ( or five ? ) years ago , and I still didn 't have anyone I could call a best friend . No one I could commiserate with . No one I could share my deepest darkest secrets with . My youngest sister was the closest I had to that and she wasn 't answering her phone lately . She was going back to school , too , plus working two jobs while trying to adjust to life in a concrete city where it was 100 degrees out . I don 't even remember what we talked about . I sat in a gas station parking lot just listening to his voice . Hearing about his physical therapy . About the flowers in his garden . About the dinner he would make for company that weekend . I wished I lived closer . But it wasn 't easy being around people I cared about . Too much anxiety . I continued homeward . I stopped the Olympia food co - op . We always stopped there on our way to or from Seattle . We stopped at food co - ops and libraries wherever we could find them . I couldn 't find anything to eat for dinner there , so I bought gluten - free dairy - free chocolate chip cookies . They weren 't sugar - free . Sugar plays havoc with my depression , but I wanted some cookies . If I was a drinker , I probably would have wanted a beer . I bought the cookies . I got on the expressway again . As I was driving , I realized that I had essentially cured myself of the anxiety , at least temporarily , with this expedition to Seattle . Whatever part of my brain that was ill must get occupied when I drive . I had tried other ways of distracting myself over the years and they hadn 't worked . But this did . Was it because most of my attention was diverted with driving ? Or was it because driving is a mental and a physical process ? This felt huge . Could I figure out what part of my brain was causing me trouble and then work to fix it ? I had tried mindfulness - based cognitive therapy for my depression and it had helped a great deal . But it had not assuaged the anxiety . And just trying to distract myself with busy work had never alleviated my anxiety . I got more and more excited . Maybe I could get fixed . Maybe I wouldn 't be stuck with this demon the rest of my life . I could do research or something . Ask my old therapists . My naturopath . I looked around at the landscape . Why had I always thought this drive was boring ? Deciduous and evergreen trees grew up all around me . I was essentially driving through a forest . The road curved , I curved with it . Go with the flow . . . I remembered Dorothy in the land of Oz , in the Emerald City . All she wanted to do there was find home . That , apparently , was my life 's work : to find home on this planet and in my body . You can read a fascinating interview with Mario here . I learn from him every single day , and I learned things from this interview I didn 't know . I 'm so glad he 's in my world ! Read more here . . . ( I 've decided to write about going back to school , because , well , that 's what I do . It is more than you ever wanted to know ! My intention is to keep my interactions with other people generally private . Although obviously other people will be important to my experiences , I won 't violate anyone 's privacy . I 'll only include conversations that aren 't private , unless I just include my side of the conversation . Those of you who 've been reading my posts for years know that I 'm pretty good at keeping people anonymous unless they give me permission to write about them . The subtitle of these posts is not reality yet , but my hope is that repair , healing , and much more will come to pass . ) Introduction When the Deepwater Drilling rig blew up in the Gulf of Mexico on Earth Day 2010 causing the worst environmental disaster in our country 's history , I didn 't know what to do . I was angry and depressed . I felt fear and horror as I watched the disaster unfold . No one seemed to know what to do . I wondered , " Where were all the smart people who can fix stuff like this ? " Of course , stuff like this should have never happened . After decades of lax regulations and a kind of legal deification of big corporations , it was happening . We couldn 't deny it . What could I do ? I called the President . I called my elected officials . I begged them to do something , to stop relying on information from British Petroleum . I felt like I was watching one of those dystopian novels I had read as a teenager come to life . Like Brave New World or 1984 , where the corporations are the government and if you say a lie long enough , it becomes the truth as far as anyone else was concerned . I suddenly felt as though I had no useful skills . I 'm a writer and I 'm a librarian . I had written a novel in response to Hurricane Katrina . It was a beautiful novel ( Ruby 's Imagine ) but I couldn 't see that it had changed anything . And I feel like those of us working in public libraries are on the front lines , protecting intellectual freedoms from anyone who would destroy or limit them . Unfortunately , my library wasn 't very " green . " They remodeled using toxic materials which caused me to become so ill I had to quit my job . I now selected books part - time from home . Neither my skills as a writer or as a librarian felt useful at this moment . I had also been a social and environmental activist most of my life , starting when I was in elementary school trying to save killdeer nests from marauding boys . But it seemed that any skills I had acquired over the years from my many unsuccessful battles and skirmishes were also useless . I felt the bell jar of depression and anxiety beginning to fall . One night I couldn 't sleep . I have advocated a sea change in this country for some time . We seemed soullessly consumptive . I remembered recently being at a workshop where the facilitator figuratively shook her finger at us and told us we needed to change how we looked at the world ; we needed to change our lives . ( The topic isn 't important to this discussion . ) I grew quite irritated with her . How dare she tell me , a grown woman , how I should live my life ? In that moment , I understood how other people probably felt when I began ranting about our consumer culture , the perils of capitalism , our dependence upon fossil fuels , or whatever other lecture I taken out from up my sleeve . I didn 't want to lecture anyone . It wasn 't nice and it wasn 't effective . I didn 't want to battle any more either . It was absolutely ineffective . We couldn 't sit around waiting for the government to tell us what to do . We couldn 't wait for anyone to tell us what to do . No more waiting . No more talking . How about some practical skills ? I certainly needed some . I wanted to learn how people could live on this planet in our cities or out in the country and still be a part of the environment - - not a part from it , not pariahs amongst the wild , but a part of the whole ecological community . Then I could help create places that were energy efficient and safe and healthy to human inhabitants and the surrounding environments . I sat on the couch with my computer in front of me and began looking for places where I could learn these skills . I didn 't want to get another Master 's degree ; I already had two . I didn 't want a Ph . D . ; I couldn 't afford it and I wasn 't interested in teaching . In the middle of the night , I stumbled upon a nine - month certificate program in ecological planning and design in Seattle , Washington , two hundred plus miles north of where I lived . The program included electives in permaculture and food systems , another area of interest for me . ( Mario and I had signed up to take a two week permaculture course in California a few months after 9 / 11 happened . We cancelled , deciding instead to stay closer to home . Now nine and half years later , maybe it was time to try again . ) The next morning I talked it over with Mario . If I took the program over the next year , we could probably afford it if we got a loan , unless something drastic happened to our incomes . As I talked about it , I wondered if I was crazy . I was famous in our family for having great ideas . I was a visionary ! But once I had the vision , I was often ready to move on . I enjoyed planning a party or a class or a ceremony more than I actually enjoyed the event , whatever it was . I could go onto a work site and figure out what wasn 't working or what was working inefficiently . I 'd usually know how to fix it , too . But I didn 't necessarily want to stay around and keep doing the day to day work . This was a strength and a weakness with me . I was willing to try new things . Recently I had rented a room in a healing center to do Reiki and shamanic work . I loved the space , and I loved being there by myself . I enjoyed working with clients , too . But I didn 't like promoting myself . I didn 't like waiting around to have people come see me . I didn 't like being stuck in Portland traffic . It was a three month experiment which told me a lot about what I wanted and didn 't want . Some people might call that a failure ; I called it a learning experience , although I was a little frustrated with myself for not making it more financially successful . When I was young I knew I was smart ; I was sure this meant I could always take care of myself . When I got sick , all that assurance went out the window . Now I knew I could easily be one of those people who ended up homeless and living on the street . Since then , I had been looking for a way to get a more steady income - - more steady than intermittent writing income - - without changing my beliefs about living and working sustainably . Maybe going back to school could do that for me . But I didn 't want to drain my family - - Mario and me - - of any more of our finances . What if going to school was just one more way to educate me uselessly ? Mario encouraged me to go for it . First I talked with an admissions advisor . We talked about the certificates . I told her my concerns about going to school and spending all of this money and then not getting a job or any work out of it . She didn 't have a real answer to that . What could she say ? " I guarantee you 'll find work ? " Next I told her I only want to go to school if it was a green campus . She said it was . They didn 't use pesticides and they used green building practices : no - VOC paints and carpets when needed . She told me it was an old building , but they did the best they could despite that . I then wrote to the permaculture course instructor . I told him my life history in about a page . After I sent the email , I felt embarrassed . How could I so easily tell a stranger about my life and who I was ? I wasn 't sure why I did it . I wanted these people to know life had not been easy for me . Illness and financial woes had taken a toll . But mostly I wanted them to know I hadn 't succeeded at making anything better in the world , despite my efforts . I didn 't tell him everything , of course . I didn 't say that I struggled with anxiety and depression . Didn 't tell him that sometimes incessant worry possessed me like some demented neurotic demon that I couldn 't shake loose no matter what I did . I didn 't usually tell anyone that . I 'd always had a touch of anxiety , even when I was a kid . When I was in my early twenties , I caught a glimpse of my diagnosis in the file on my shrink 's desk : chronic depression . When I saw those two words , I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach . It sounded like a life sentence : chronic depression . Chronic meant it would never go away , right ? In my mid - twenties , a doctor told me I had something called environmental illness . She told me I was essentially allergic to the world . This was devastating news . I loved the world . Now it was making me sick ? I had to change everything about my life . The way I ate , drank , dressed , lived . I stopped drinking . I began eating organic foods . I tried to lessen my stress and take time to relax , but I was in college , working nearly full time while going to school full time . I didn 't know how to relax . The diagnosis evolved over the years . What I had was now called " multiple chemical sensitivities . " ( This is essentially what the workers and some residents in the Gulf now have ; the doctors call it tilt : toxicant induced loss of tolerance . ) I didn 't like any of the diagnoses I 'd gotten over the years . They all felt like a curse , a life - sentence . As I tried to protect myself from " the world , " my life felt more and more constrained . Less and less joyful . And my incessant worrying got worse , coming and going until it seemed to settle in good and hard after my mother died two and a half years ago . Maybe that was because I started eating less healthy . Maybe it was because I had also lost two very close friends two years before that . Maybe it was because of the two surgeries I had had , although they had cleared my sinuses so that I could actually breathe through my nose for the first time in nearly fifteen years . Maybe it was because I was now in my fifties and I felt like half of my life had been spent in illness . More than half . I didn 't know why I had this chronic anxiety . Doctors , acupuncturists , naturopaths , cranio - sacral therapists , all manner of therapists , and shamans had not been able to help . It started to feel as though this unsustainable part of myself was hardwired to me and there was no way to riven it from my real self - - because I was sure my real true self did not cower in fear or anxiety because she couldn 't get her mind right . In any case , after the permaculture instructor read my email ( where I didn 't mention my anxiety ) , he asked me to call him . So I did . We talked about his permaculture class and the program at his university . I told him I had worked on many environmental projects . I had also been part of the Sanctuary movement when I lived on the coast of Oregon - - on the fringes of it while I was in a peace group there . I had organized and marched against the war in Iraq . I had sued my county after they illegally sprayed pesticides in front of my house . I had fought many battles , and I was tired . He talked about cultivating resilience . With my voice shaking with tears , I said , " I feel as though I have no more resilience . " " I promise you at the end of this , " he said , " you will find your resilience again . " I felt like I was talking to someone who was like - minded . I realized I wanted to be around people who shared my world view again and who were willing to work for their communities . I didn 't want to lead anyone anywhere or teach anyone anything . Not right now . I wanted to learn new skills . I wanted to learn to earn a living doing something meaningful . After our conversation concluded , I filled out an online application to the graduate certificate program . Part of the application included a five page essay about who I was and why I was drawn to this program . In the middle of the night , I also filled out a financial aid form called FAFSA . I wasn 't eligible for any grants - - there weren 't many for graduate students - - but I might be eligible for a loan . It was strange filling out all these applications . To see once again where I 'd been . Got my Bachelor of Science degree at Eastern Michigan University where my father had gotten his degree . Then my Master of Arts . I 'd stayed at EMU because it was comfortable and because I got a gig as a graduate assistant teaching freshman English . I took a writing class at Michigan State University as my very last class for my Master 's degree : that was when I met Mario . I 'd worked at a kitchen cabinetry place during my college years . The building used to fill up with deft spray lacquer . I 'd run outside to get away from it . I thought it was toxic stuff , but my boss would get angry if I said anything about it . She said that 's what they did and if I didn 't like it I needed to quit . Mario and I moved to the coast of Oregon a year after we met to make our way in the world as freelance writers . I worked at a restaurant and then ran a food co - op for a while . Both of those jobs ended badly . So I became librarian at a tiny library . Two years later , we moved to Arizona where I went to library school . I developed terrible allergies in Tucson , along with asthma . I remembered students walking across the campus lawns as a man in a hazmat suit rode atop an herbicide spraying machine . I remembered the Catalinas turning red every evening from pollution . I couldn 't wait for the year to end so we could get back to the Pacific Northwest . But I couldn 't focus on that . That was all in the past . Going to school was a new direction . Maybe I would finally find a sustainable and healthy way to make a living . Maybe I would actually get well again . Or for the first time . Soon enough I had an appointment with the director for June 1 . She needed to interview me before I was admitted . The weather was so bad I asked if we could change it to a phone appointment . I didn 't relish driving in a torrential rainstorm for four and a half hours . It was the first time in the twenty - three years that I 've lived here that I 've ever cancelled an appointment because of the rain . At the appointed time , the phone rang and we began our interview . The director wanted to know why I had chosen her school . Then she talked about their view of teaching . Instructors didn 't act as " sages on stages " but as " guides on the sides . " Part of the purpose of the program was to teach people about effective collaboration . Group work was essential . I told her I had had bad experiences working in groups . First there was the food co - op in Bandon , Oregon . My bosses had been the co - op board . Twelve of the most dysfunctional people I had ever met . They seemed to believe that because it was a food co - op and they believed in peace and love that everything would turn out . When one of the board members went psycho and threatened me in front of the entire board , with spit spewing , cigarette in one hand and finger poking at me with the other hand , not one of them did a thing to stop him or protest his behavior . I later had to call the police on him , and I resigned from the co - op . That was my most infamous experience with group work . But I 'd had other experiences . The director said that we could learn as much from those bad experiences as we could from the more successful one . She suggested I write down my group experiences before beginning the program to see what I had learned . I agreed that would be a helpful exercise . I told her I was quite willing and eager to work in groups . I wanted to learn how to collaborate more effectively . I had become somewhat of a lone wolf . I wrote alone . I did my library work alone . I had come to believe I worked better alone without all that human interaction . She also said that working on the computer was very important . Since our classes only met once a month , we needed to keep in touch and collaborate via computers . I told her I was quite comfortable with computers and as long as the software worked on a Mac , I 'd be fine . At one point when we were talking , she said that we wouldn 't see any cultural changes in our lifetime . This work we did was for the long haul . We needed to realize this to keep our sanity . I didn 't argue with her , but I thought , " I don 't think we have time to wait . " I kept thinking of the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico . Starting to get my land legs again , I think . At least I 'm not waking up in the morning shaking . Mario seems to be doing better every day , although last night he had trouble sleeping because of the pain . I can 't sleep next to Mario yet . When I try , I spend most of the night watching him and wanting to wake him up to see if he 's feeling better . So I start out with him , and then I go downstairs to the couch . I 've been having lots of dreams on that couch . Last night , I dreamed a huge pack of dogs was chasing Mario . I told him to run and I ran toward the dogs to save Mario . I was tossing dogs left and right . The night before I had a solution to the Gulf of Mexico disaster . When I woke up , I wondered why they hadn 't done it yet . I feel like cooking again . This is a good sign . Maybe cooking will ground me . It 's been raining for so many weeks . I 've got to do something . Been too distracted to write as much as I 'd like . Been doing lots of library work . Today I cooked a bunch of stuff using recipes from David Tanis 's A Platter of Figs and Other Recipes . I decided on lots of protein , lots more than we usually have , especially all in one meal : salmon , eggs , chicken broth . I made fried egg soup , wild salmon , and cucumber salad . I used Tanis 's recipes as a template . Instead of frying the eggs as he suggested , I baked them sunnyside up . Then I put one each in a white bowl and poured the chicken broth over it . Just lovely ! ( I made the broth from organic chicken wings , garlic , ginger , and a bit of kale in the end . ) It was amazingly simple , lovely , and delicious . The cucumber salad was supposed to be Vietnamese cucumbers , but I skipped the hot peppers . Instead I cut up a cucumber , poured juice from half a lemon over it , ground black pepper into it and put it in the fridge to chill . When it was time to serve it , I added just a dash of olive oil , a bit of salt , some scallion slices , and then mixed it all up . Dessert was probably the best part . I heated up some frozen strawberries . Then I made chocolate sauce . I heated up water and some agave syrup . Then I shook in some organic pure dark cocoa powder . I stirred it all until it was melted and had the consistency of syrup . I cut up bananas and put them in a bowl ; then I poured strawberries and their juice over the bananas . I poured the chocolate syrup over all that . When we finished eating it , we stood over the nearly empty chocolate sauce pan and dipped bananas into the chocolate . Mmmmm . Mario and I went walking after work . We met in - between home and the library . The day was crawling to dusk . We grinned as we caught sight of each other . We waved and hurried toward one another . The clouds above were shapes and colors I don 't know how to describe . It was as if each of them was some kind of sky creature . And of course they were . One cloud seemed to twist a bit as it moved overhead . It was the color of coriander with a sprinkle of gray . Coming up behind it was a giant of a cloud , buffed up and out and bluish . What is that color of blue ? Like the blue of swallows , almost like night yet more ethereal if ethereal meant strong and powerful and so beautiful it makes your knees shake . We stood in the middle of the street , our mouths agape , looking up . Before us was the county jail . Behind us was the wall of holly shielding the elementary school from the jail . Above was beauty . Words failed me . I just thought , this I love . We walked down to the river near the fairgrounds . We stood on the bridge and watched the swallows . They were careening above the water , doing somersaults in the air and skimming the roiling water , dark boomerang shapes against the white sky just above the gorge cliffs . When we got home , it was nearly night . The poppies all over our lawn stood up straight , their orange leaves closed up like umbrellas at a resort . We walked up our steps carefully so that we would not to disturb the poppies hanging over the stairs . Now it is night . Mario 's about to go to sleep . I hear him moving upstairs . I think , this I love . I hear something tapping on the living room window and realize it 's rain . The clouds have come down to Earth . I think I 'll go outside and dance amongst the clouds for a bit before I go to sleep . Do you suppose they 've been waiting for me , whispering , this I love ? I almost quit school before I began today . Geez . I have such a headache . First they couldn 't find my financial aid info because they had my wrong social security number . Then they sent me information on scholarships that didn 't even pertain to me , but I didn 't figure that out right away . So there went a couple of hours . ( They are all very nice , but I have a feeling I am already a pain in the ass to them . ) Then I signed up to all the stuff I had to sign up for online after I got my packet . I have THREE different accounts that I have to log on to . Which means I have to remember what all these three different accounts do , along with the passwords . Plus I have a new email account . My head is spinning . I 'm not kidding . I can get a loan for the whole thing , which I 'm not going to do . I figure I 'll get a loan for half , about $ 5 , 000 . I looked at the interest on this low - interest loan . If I take as long as they say I can take , I 'd be paying almost $ 2 , 000 in interest ! Geez freaking Louise . How do people do this ? We have a couple thousand dollars in stocks from ten years ago . It started out as three thousand . I think we did that when I sold a novel . Unfortunately with all the crashes , we lost a lot of it , especially if you count we never got any interest on it . Anyway , we 'll cash that out and take out the loan and we should be all right . I 'm very grateful I can even think of doing this . But right now I 'm exhausted . Did I mention I have a headache ? On top of that , the registration process wasn 't pretty . You can 't just look at a list of the classes , click on them , and register . You have to search for them and the search process is not good . Why doesn 't everyone just follow google on this ? I searched for the classes I wanted for an hour . AND I ' M ONLY TAKING TWO OF THEM . It kept coming up saying the classes didn 't exist even though I knew they did . I was in tears . Man , if I can 't do this stuff , maybe I can 't do the other stuff . I really don 't like being on a computer for this long . I want to do some ecological planning and design on this registration process . Mario put his arms around me for the first time in a week . Yay ! He went to the physical therapist today and then we came home and did the exercises . Well , he did them . I cheered him on . ( It 's so difficult to see him in pain . Just breaks my heart . So I went to the acupuncturist so that I wouldn 't break my heart . ) The exercises are really helping . As I said , he could put his arms around me without being in pain . Good for both of us . And I fell in love with a chair tonight . Yep . I 'm ready to buy it wine and bring it flowers . Man . We were looking for ergonomic furniture for Mario , and he mentioned Herman Miller 's chairs . We went to the website and found the Embody chair . OMG . Yes , I just typed OMG . It 's beautiful . It 's ergonomically correct . They use recycled material . It 's environmentally cool . And it 's beautiful . ( Yes , I said that twice . ) It 's way expensive , but I still want to date it . That 's what good design can do . Also , I got into school . Yay ! I start in July . Now I 'll rustle up some money . I 'm also going to take a class here in Portland on architectural drawing . A good thing to have to help me with my ecological planning and design courses . All right . More tomorrow , I hope . I want to get back to writing . Not that I 've been a slacker . I revised The Blue Tail this weekend and sent it out again . Let 's keep on movin ' ! I 'm looking out at sunshine . Almost unbelievable . It 's been raining for so long . Yes , I know people believe it rains all the time in the Pacific Northwest , but it doesn 't . In fact , June through August is pretty dry . Yesterday I was supposed to drive up to Seattle for an interview at the university where I 'm going to get a graduate certificate , but it was so rainy , I actually changed it to a phone interview . I don 't think I 've ever cancelled an appointment because of rain . The poppies and peonies are all squashed down from the rain . Or were . The poppies have rebounded . The peonies are still halfway pressed to the ground . Pink petals are scattered near them , like discarded clothes after a night on the town . I haven 't been sleeping . Mario 's been in pain . Whenever he is sick , I don 't sleep . Someday I will conquer this incessant and insistent anxiety I have . Conquer is probably not the right work . Terrorism . That 's a good word for how this feels . Mind terrorism . And we all know you can 't wage a war on terrorism . You can 't feed it , either . I 've tried that . To eat it away . Sleep it away . Ignore it away . None of that works .
|
Realistically we had about two weeks to find someone and even with that it left us with only two weeks to get whomever we found to practice with us and for all of us to form a band . This knowledge set the band into a tizzy . One would think that for a group of teenage guys playing at a wedding wouldn 't be a big deal , and it wasn 't , but the money that was on the line is what made it a big deal . We had a couple of prospects but none of them had the right tone for the song nor did they really mesh well with our little band of musicians . One day during practice we received a miracle . I know it wasn 't a real miracle , but in my life it was just short of one . The four of us and Milly were in the barn once again ; it is where we spent most of our free time , talking about what we were going to do . None of us wanted to lose this gig , but we just didn 't have any prospect for the singer we needed . Parley , who hadn 't been around the band much after the day she slapped Midori , entered and began to fidget . " You will ? That is great . " Midori , who had been in a far away land since the day of the infamous slap , beamed and took a step toward her . He reached out to place a friendly hand on her shoulder but Milly stepped between them . " I don 't think so . She probably can 't even sing . This is just another one of her tricks . " A defiant grin crawled onto Milly 's face . " There is nothing behind the gesture . No tricks . " Parley looked Midori directly in his eyes when she said that . " I just want to help my brother out . " I took a good look at my sister . She hadn 't really been in a family bonding place in years and I had to know if she was planning something , but the look on her face , the tone of her voice and hell even the way she was dressed screamed with change . Something had happened to my sister and perhaps this was a good something . Perhaps it was the something that could bring her back around to being Parley again . " I sure do . " Walking to the mic stand she asked , " Acapella or do you all want to join in to see how awesome we sound ? " Her voice laced with confidence . We all scrambled to our instruments and she was right we sounded great . Her voice was perfect for the song and when Midori harmonized with her it was magical . There was no way that Milly could deny that my baby sister could sing . When the song was over we all were excited for her to join us , but Milly still didn 't like the idea and tried many avenues to get us to turn her away . No one was really interested in what she had to say on the matter until she made one really good point that none of us could rebuff . " She can 't be in the band . She is only thirteen and won 't be allowed in the bars . You four aren 't even allowed to stay after your gigs . " She knew she had us and she looked at us all smugly . Leave it to my sister to know exactly what to say . " I don 't want to be in the band . I just want to perform at the wedding so that your sister will hire them . " Milly opened her mouth but then closed it again . She had no retort to this logic and she knew it . " Well then it is settled . Welcome to the Southern Llama 's Parley . " I removed my hands from her shoulders and moved away , but as I did I heard Midori say , " You 're not going to slap me again are you ? " I couldn 't help but chuckle as I climbed behind my drums . " Let 's try that song again . " The next couple of weeks were some of the best of my teenage life . They were full of the work I loved as well as the people I loved . Having Parley being involved and not cold and distant was something . She was really a funny girl and having her vocals in the band was incredible . She made us better and we wished she would have been allowed to sing with us as we performed at the bar . The only one that didn 't seem happy about having Parley around was Milly , but it just made her work twice as hard to vie for Midori 's attention . Soon the wedding day was upon us . Milly looked beautiful in her bridesmaid gown and I couldn 't help but wish , as I stared at her , that I was her date and not Midori . She had convinced him that she needed a date or her family would look down at her . He agreed , but made sure she knew that this " date " didn 't change their relationship status . They were friends and nothing more . Despite this she seemed to be overly confident that it meant more . Then we were invited to attend the dinner . I sat at a table with Abram but wished I was sitting with the blonde beauty that was to Midori 's right . The two of them sat at the head table with Milly 's parents . I watched the two of them with envy . Watching her touch his arm lightly , laughing at his stupid jokes and leaning toward him every chance she got filled me with jealousy . I longed to be in Midori 's shoes , but I couldn 't blame my best friend ; all he ever did was be himself . When I couldn 't watch them any longer my eyes diverted to another table where Parley was sitting across from Marques , a boy she hardly knew . The two of them ate in silence , but even in silence if you listen closely you can still hear the story that is going on . Her eyes kept diverting over to the table to her right and when Midori look up at her she would quickly find her plate interesting . It was frustrating to watch and I could only hope that someday these two would find their way to one another . I guess part of that hope was because that would open the way for me to ask Milly out , but I couldn 't let myself really think of that or I felt terrible . As I glanced over at Midori , who 's lovely voice complemented mine so well , I couldn 't control the tears that threatened to spill and soon my face was full of my mascara stained tears . I thought about all the years I spent being angry at him for leaving me when in reality I was the one who deserted him in my grief . Hope began to swell in me as I thought that after the wedding I would tell him how I truly felt , but then I made the mistake of looking out into the crowd and saw an adoring Milly staring passionately at Midori . From day one she never faltered in her feelings for him . She never went hot and cold with him and she never raised her hand to him . Doubt began to fill me as I remembered our three year age difference and by the time the song was over I had convinced myself that I only wanted Midori to be happy and I was only a toxin to him . I would never be good enough to be with such a wonderful boy . When I sang the last note of the song I dropped my microphone and darted off the stage . As I ran I wiped the tears from my eyes vowing that these would be the last tears that my beloved Midori would see me cry . I knew he would chase after me for he was too caring for his own good . From behind me I heard Milly 's squeaky voice say , " Come on Midori dance with me . You are my date after all . " But as predicted Midori caught up with me . As I turned to face him he immediately began his questioning . " Parley , what is wrong ? Is there something you want to tell me ? " " The song just got to me . I wanted to make it special for the couple so I put everything I had into it . " It wasn 't exactly a lie . " I have no idea what you are talking about Midori . The wedding , the song , and the atmosphere it just all got to me . Made me think of my parents and the past . That 's all . " I thought that I was being convincing , but Midori didn 't buy it at all . Before I knew it Midori had his arms around me pulling me close to him , and when he planted his lips to mine it startled me . I froze not kissing him back but not pulling away from him either . When I realized this was actually happening and not my imagination I had to force myself to pull away from him . I placed my right hand on his jacket , over his heart , and gave him a forlorn look . " Midori , it doesn 't matter how I feel . We aren 't meant to be . We are just not right for each other . " As much as I didn 't want to mean those words I knew that deep down I did . I wasn 't right for him . He deserved so much better and I was going to step aside and allow him to have that . " You have wasted enough time on me . There is someone who has been there for you and I think she deserves a chance . " I took him by his shoulders and turned him to face Milly . " But … " He started . I couldn 't listen to him . I couldn 't hear his words full of love and I couldn 't tell him no again . I gave him a slight push forward and once again I allowed my feet to do their best work and ran away from the one boy I will ever truly love . The rest of the summer went by in a blur . I had been right and things did change . Parley quit the band , and pretty much steered clear whenever Midori was around . However , she began to engage with our family more . Dad was beginning to push past his grief and the three of us began to patch up our injured family . Midori wasn 't around much after the wedding . Sure he was at every band practice and gig and we touched based every day , but he was spending a lot of time at the Lee 's house . The two of them hadn 't become an official couple yet , but I knew it was just a matter of time . Milly was doing a great job helping him heal from his broken heart . When school started it became worse . Our band wasn 't able to book gigs so there was no need for us to meet up as often as we did . Sure we hung out from time to time and talked about what the summer after our senior year would bring , but that is all it was … talk . I was in my senior year of high school and I should be having the time of my life , but instead I was losing my best friend . The worst part about it was the fact that it wasn 't something I had done or a fight we had , had . It was because he was in love with my sister and she wouldn 't allow anything to happen . Four months after school started I received a very unnerving phone call . It was from Dr . Fantrain . He told me that he was being admitted to the hospital and he needed me to spend more time at the farm . He was worried that the animals wouldn 't get fed and they would lack human interaction . As Midori spent more time at Milly 's he spent less time at the Slughorn 's . It was no longer a necessity for him to be there with Parley and dad healing . Dad was making meals again . He would talk and visit with Parley and our family began to feel whole again . A month of hard work went by and one rare night I was home , there was a knock on the door . Our visitor was a lawyer . He asked if he could talk to me . Not knowing what it was about dad insisted he come in and that our conversation be held at the kitchen table . I couldn 't believe what I was being told . How could Dr . Fantrain be dead ? Why would he leave me the farm ? It was all too confusing and heartbreaking . I had once again lost someone that I looked up too . Someone who believed in me and made me feel I could accomplish anything . He was my hero and my mentor . How would the world go on with such a wonderful soul missing from it ? He handed me a letter and I couldn 't take any more . As I walked away I could hear dad agreeing that we would go to Mr . Brighton 's office the following week to sign all the paperwork . That when I turned eighteen I would be the proud owner of Fantrain Farm . Dear Pello My Boy , I know this may come as a shock to you because I lead you to believe my illness wasn 't a big deal , but I knew I was dying when I was admitted to the hospital . I apologize for the dishonesty , but I didn 't want to accept that I was leaving this world , which meant I was leaving you and Kora as well . This past year has been wonderful mentoring you to be a veterinarian and teaching you about farming and animal care . You and Kora are like my own children and it breaks my heart thinking about leaving you . I hope you will forgive me someday . If you are reading this letter then you know I have left Fantrain Farm to you . There is no one else that would take care of it and its residents like I know you will . You were meant to be my predecessor and I know in my heart that all you have been through was just the path to your true calling . You are going to do amazing things my boy . You will find a tin box under my bed . It is my nest egg and it is yours . It isn 't much but it should help with school . Be a veterinarian , make the Slughorn name great , and be kind to others . Please keep Kora on and help her through this grief . You may not see it now , but she will forever be your loyal friend . We had a visitor . When I answered the door and saw the face that rustled the deepest anger in me I was reluctant to tell him where my dad was . I couldn 't bear the thought of sending this man to him just to bring back all those horrible memories . Our family was healing and we didn 't need this set back . Instantly my blood ran cold . Why was he here ? Didn 't he cause enough pain for my family ? There was no reason he should be here . " When that unauthorized book came out I loved that the press got it all wrong . I loved that they said that Octavia , despite choosing you , still loved me and couldn 't resist me . Selfishly I allowed the hushed whispers and rumors to circulate and never corrected anyone . I didn 't even care when Misty finally left me . " " Kyle , the truth is I loved her . I wanted her . I couldn 't resist her . I wanted her to love me and not you . " " I know . She was with me , but it wasn 't like you think . We first started to meet to talk about the boys . She had some concerns and wanted my help to guide them . It didn 't take long for her to realize that I had begun to drink , and was drinking a lot . When she confronted me I broke down and begged her not to tell Misty or the boys . I am an asshole , but I do love my boys . I am also proud and didn 't want anyone to know my issues . " " Yes . I was grateful for her help , but mostly I loved the time with her . I never stopped loving her . She will always been the one in my heart . " I looked the man who had done so much damage in the eyes . " That leaves us with two things in common . " I was referring to my love for his boys and my love for Octavia . " Why didn 't you come forward sooner ? " He didn 't answer me . Instead he stood up , clapped me on the back and said , " Have a great life Kyle . Relish in the fact that the woman you loved , loved you back . " Midori is the best friend anyone could ask for . As summer break approached Dr . Fantrain began to get more boarders and needed me to start coming in after school for a couple of hours and to work a few extra hours on the weekends . I knew the money would be nice and it would get me that much closer to getting my drum set , but I wasn 't sure I could let my family fend for themselves . Midori , who was at my house most of the time anyway and who had become a natural cook , stepped up and said that every day after school he would go to my house to do his homework and make the Slughorn 's dinner . I protested at first but he insisted and told me that he wanted to help out . I knew that the biggest reason was to try and get close to Parley again , but I still felt bad that he wanted to take that on . After several discussions about it I told Dr . Fantrain that I would start putting in the extra hours . The last couple weeks before summer break went by in a whirlwind . The days went along like this : Get up , have breakfast , go to school , go to Fantrain Farm and work for two to three hours , home to have dinner , hang out with Midori for a while , do homework and then to bed . The weekends were much of the same except for no school . This may seem like my life was without fun , but that isn 't true . I was becoming really good on the drum and practiced everyday during my study hour . Midori , who was becoming quite popular in school , also had the same study hour and would come to the music room with me . We were also joined by Milly Lee , a stunning gal who had the biggest crush on Midori . She would come and listen to me play and flirt with Midori who had befriended her but tried to tell her he wasn 't interested in being more then friends . The girl , was relentless , and continued to do everything in her power to make Midori fall for her . Spending that much time with a beautiful , smart , friendly , and fun young lady I found myself crushing on her . I would try to show that I was interested but she never noticed and only treated me like a friend . It was three days before the summer break and the three of us were hanging out in the music room . I had been experimenting with some drum beats when I decided to move forward and I started the down beat of " Don 't You Forget About Me " by Simple Minds . Half way through the song Midori began to sing the lyrics and what came out of his mouth was gold . I had known the kid for all these years and never knew he could sing . " I learned to sing when Parley was practicing for your mom 's funeral . " He lowered his head finding the floor really fascinating . The topic of my mom 's death or the funeral was always a touchy subject in the Slughorn household and Midori had learned to treat it with kid gloves . Milly never liked it when Midori brought Parley up and she quickly changed the subject . " You two should form a band . I bet you could get some gigs around town . It would give you some extra spending money . " Her smile filled her face . " Oh psssh , I 'm sure my dad could loan you the rest of the money with a promise to pay him back after your first gig or two so that isn 't a problem . Midori you really do have a lovely voice you two should do this . " Milly 's voice turned into a whine and her face scrunched up making her normally beautiful face something truly horrific . Milly , although super generous and kind , came from the most wealthy family in Appaloosa Plains and she rarely took no for an answer . By the end of the period Midori had given in and agreed to be part of a band with me as long as it was something we did for fun to pick up a little extra money . Nothing more . Milly was in seventh heaven and as we walked out of the classroom she was already making plans in her head . Just before school ended Milly had made good on her word . She got her dad to loan me the rest of the money for my drum set , she recruited Marquis Creech and Abram Hand to join our band as piano player and guitarist , and that is how the Southern Llamas became . She had also arranged our first gig which would be three weeks after summer started , so we had time to practice together as a band . The summer started out with a bang when one of the animals on Fantrain Farm got attacked by a wild dog that wandered into on the property , late in the night , and the two of them got into a scuffle . Dr . Fantrain was able to catch the dog , which he put in quarantine in hopes that the dog could be tamed , and called me in to help out with the injury . After that night he decided that he wanted me to learn from him , before I went off to school , the trade of being a veterinarian . In addition to my normal responsibilities on the farm Dr . Fantrain would have me attend his exams . I was very grateful and I learned a lot from him . He took the time to explain what he was doing and why as well as the proper way to handle the animal that was being examined . It made me feel as if I was ahead of the learning curve . With every new patient and lesson I knew that becoming a veterinarian was my life 's calling . I enjoyed the time with Dr . Fantrain as well as enjoyed the hands on learning . I was also becoming attached to the critters who lived on the farm and each held their own special place in my heart . I enjoyed watching the dogs form their pack . When Bear was healing from his attack by the wild dog Cherry and Cleo stayed by his side . He and Cherry had gotten very close , close enough that I think we will have puppies roaming around the farm soon . Every day when we had to leave Cherry would whine softly for her pack and she was happy as a clam the next day when we would return . Dr . Fantrain worked with the wild dog , which we called Frostbite , and slowly he started to trust humans and finally we were able to incorporate him in with the others and he fit nicely in our little farm pack . The three weeks went by fast and it was the day of our first paying gig . We found ourselves at my house at 10 am for one last rehearsal . None of us wanted to mess this up and we were all excited of the prospect of this continuing through the rest of the summer . During the past three weeks we found out that we were actually a decent band and were pumped to get the show on the road . " But Midori you are so flawless and I just have to stroke your ego every chance I get . " Came Parley 's mocking voice from the doorway . We all turned our heads in her direction . " Let 's not forget there are three other guys that make up the band . " She gave a smug look toward Milly and looked down at her nails . Midori pulled Me away from the rest of the group and spun me around to face him . " Parley Marie Slughorn your attitude has gotten out of control . You have no right to be jealous of Milly . No right at all . " Please you can 't fool me . You may be able to fool your family , the kids at school and even yourself , but you can 't fool me . I know you better then you know yourself and it is eating you up that Milly is showing me attention . " I looked at him defiantly and even gave him a smile , " You 're crazy . I just don 't like her . She is fake and stupid . There 's no crime in that . " Midori grabbed my arms and pulled forward to ensure that I look at him when he said his next words . " Parley , you made the rules now you have to live by them . You pushed me away and told me you didn 't want anything to do with me despite all my attempts and attention . Milly and I aren 't together , but I have every right to move on , and if I choose to move on with Milly you have nothing to say about that . " His words were like daggers to my heart . Tears stung my eyes but I fought them back . Pulling out of his grasp I stood there starring at him . I couldn 't believe what I had just done , but I couldn 't let him know I was sorry either . If I did that it would just show him that he is right and he isn 't right . He couldn 't be . Rubbing his cheek he looked up at me . " Real mature Parley . " He voice wasn 't full of anger or disgust , but sadness and longing . I couldn 't handle this I couldn 't handle any of it so I turned on my heel and fled . " Did she just slap him ? " Milly 's voice was full of concern , we hadn 't been watching the arguing pair , but when we heard the noise we all looked up . Milly started to walking toward them as Parley fled the room . Midori turned toward us and we could see that his already red cheek was even redder . Milly lunged at him wrapping her arms around his neck . " Oh my Sims she did slap you . Are you okay ? " I took in a deep breath . Parley had been out of control these past few years , but hitting someone , hitting my best friend she had pushed the limits too far . " I have to go talk to her . " " No , don 't worry about it dude . We talked , she had no other recourse . Just let it be . " Gently pushing Milly away from him he grabbed his mic . " Let 's practice the opening song one more time . " Weeks went by and our bad was becoming very popular . People around town started to recognize us and a few even asked for our autographs . Marques , Abram and I were eating up the attention but Midori was just along for the ride reminding me all the time he wasn 't doing this for more than being a friend to me and a few extra bucks . The end of July arrived and Milly presented us with a gig . She told us her sister was getting married at the end of August and wanted to book our band , but was having doubts because there was no girl in the band . Her fiancée and her song was At Last by Etta James and she couldn 't have anyone but a woman sing that song . Milly had convinced her if The Southern Llamas could find a girl then she would hire us . Thank you so much to Logan from Logans Lotz of Lots for making the beautiful Fantrain farm . It is a home that the Slughorn 's will always find their way back to even if they move away for a bigger life . and finally Oh good Sim Creator my sister is a teenager . Dad and I are going to be in a world of trouble now . Neither of us has the know - how to deal with an adolescent female let alone a back talking , bitter one . Parley aged up beautifully ; although her birthday was quite a sad sight . Dad and I , after reminding him several times that it was Parley 's birthday , stayed up late the night before decorating the dining room , making her a cake and wrapping her gifts . The plan was to have a great birthday breakfast and since it was also Saturday we would take her to the art museum . I thought she would like it because she liked to draw . However all my hard planning was a waist when she descended the stairs on her birthday , looked at the decorations , scrunched her noise , grabbed a banana and a orange and went back upstairs and shut herself in her room . I tried to get her out of her room several times , but she just didn 't want anything to do with us so dad and I went to the art museum and left her at home . At some point when we were gone she did gather her gifts . I just hope she liked them . The weeks following her birthday she had become a scorpion ; her attitude was the sting and her words were the venom . She was disrespectful and rude to dad and I most of the time . Dad didn 't seem to really notice it , wow what a shock , and I just couldn 't stand to be around her much . We had been in A . P . long enough for her to make friends , but she was always complaining about how stupid or hick she thought the kids in her class were . I was sick of her thinking she was better than everyone else and just her whole attitude . She become more isolated from people and family . I felt bad , but what could I do ? I was her brother not her parent . " I 'm really sorry . I know you were keen on these lessons , but we just can 't swing it . " He was sincere , but he wouldn 't meet my eyes . I wanted to scream at him that he needed to do more for this family , that he needed to be more responsible , but I kept my mouth shut . As hard as it was to be the " man " of the house I couldn 't image how I would act if the love of my life died . Everyone dealt with it differently , I just hopped that someday dad would be more connected again . " Okay dad . Thanks for checking . " I was disappointed and upset and Cherry and I headed to my room . That night I decided that I would look for a part time job . If dad couldn 't buy me my drums and lessons I would do it myself . Until I could I could keep using the set in the music room to practice on during my free hour . The following Saturday I got earlier then most Saturday 's and as I ate my bowl of cereal I perused the paper to see if there were any advertisements for jobs . The paper didn 't turn up any jobs , but I didn 't let that discourage me . As I left the house I saw my dad 's catch set out ready to be taken to the market . I grabbed the bucket and thought to myself that the market would be the perfect place to start looking for a job . With a smile on my face I set off for town . That evening I came home as the sun sank beyond the land . I was exhausted and jobless . I had filled out about a dozen applications and everyone of them told me that they would put it on file , but currently they weren 't hiring . I felt slightly discouraged , but I wasn 't going to give up . I wanted that drum set very badly . So I decided that the following weekend I would try again . I would have tried on Sunday , but I was taking Cherry to the park for a day of Frisbee and fun . The next morning after breakfast I packed my backpack a clicked the leash onto Cherry 's collar and we set off to the park . It was one of my free days where I wasn 't taking care of others needs and I wanted it to last so Cherry and I took a new route to the park . It was such a good choice the walk was beautiful and the sun felt great . We came upon a farmhouse and I noticed a sign at the end of the driveway that said " Hiring " . I looked at Cherry and thought what the heck it wouldn 't hurt to see what kind of work is needing to be done . We started up the driveway and when I saw an elderly made working in a very plush apple orchard I told Cherry to sit and stay and started to approach the man . I patted my leg and Cherry ran to my side and the man met us half way . Bending down he allowed Cherry to smell his hand before he ran his thin fingers through the fur of her head . " Beautiful dog you have . " He stood up smiling . " Ah … good good . Well my name is Dr . Wilmont Fantrain and I 'm a veterinarian . I own the clinic down town , but here I run an animal boarding house and rescue . I also live here . I 'm looking for a trustworthy person to help me out around here cleaning horse stalls , feeding and walking the dogs , grooming and caring for the cats as well as the other animals we have here . I have one assistant here , her name is Kora , but we find ourselves obtaining more and more animals so I need more help . Dr . Fantrain stroked his chin as he thought about it . " Most weekends for sure , but I may need you at times during the week . Are you interested ? " Crossing his arms over his chest he gave me another smile . His smile was comforting and made you feel at ease . " What is your dog 's name ? " " Well Ms . Cherry would be welcome to come with you on the weekends . It would be nice for the other animals to be exposed to other animals . This is if you are interested in the job . " I was interested . I loved animals and this sounded like the perfect job for me . Granted cleaning up horse doo - doo and dog doo - doo wasn 't on my top ten things to do , but this could lead into bigger opportunities and would be a chance to learn from Dr . Fantrain . Ever since I got Cherry I had thought about become a veterinarian and now I was talking to one about a job . It seems like luck was turning my way . Dr . Fantrain told me what he paid and that payday was every Friday . We shook hands and I left with a promise to see him the following weekend . With a sense of accomplishment Cherry and I finished our walk to the park . All week I had been looking forward to Saturday and getting one step closer to my dreams . I made sure all my homework was done on Friday night and went to bed early . Nothing was going to stop me from doing a good job . The day was full of hard work and it was long , but also a lot of fun . I learned that Dr . Fantrain was a widower . His wife had died five years prior in a car accident . Ever since he had surrounded himself with the things he loved to remind him that life is happy , but short . He opened up his property as a boarding center for animals about a year after his wife 's death , and the residences of A . P . took well to it leaving their pets in his care when they went out of town for holiday 's or long weekends . However , when people started to report strays and abandoned pets around town he began to take them in and care for them . The place ran on donations and his money from the clinic . About three weeks after I started working I got home a little early on a Sunday afternoon and decided to make something special for dinner . Normally it was something quick and easy because I was so tired after work . I was cutting up the vegetables when I heard the doorbell ring . I knew Parley was in the living room watching some dark cartoon so I yelled out at her , " Parley , get the door . " " No Man , I wasn 't . " I lead him into the kitchen so I could continue dinner . " So what are you doing here and why didn 't you tell me you were coming ? " " Old man sour requested to move here ? Why ? " I was dumbfounded Mr . Sour wasn 't the friendliness guy around and he seemed pretty content in Riverview . " Believe it or not my dad has changed some . I asked if his job had a location in or around Appaloosa Plains . When I found out that there was a location here I begged and pleaded for him to put in for a transfer , and finally I wore him out and he did . I didn 't tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise . " He popped another carrot in his mouth . I snapped the book shut and pitched it across my room , causing the book to ricochet off the door and fall face open on the floor . How dare they write this stuff about my mother ? What gave them the right ? Oh I forgot it has the word unauthorized in the title so that gives them the right . I didn 't need to finish it , I had lived it . She noticed the book on the floor and swooped it up . " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn . " She read the spine of the book and then tossed it onto my nearby desk . An unnatural laugh escaped her lips and she cocked her hip and looked back in my direction . " You finally decide to read that nonsense ? " It came out more like an accusation then a question , but that is what my sister had become ; a cold , sarcastic young woman who would soon be a teenager . " Parley , I 'm not in the mood for you today . Get the hell out of my room ! " I rose to my knees and pointed to the door . Since our mother died I had always tried to be the encouraging older brother , but there were times she pushed my nerves to the core and today was one of them . I looked over at Cherry and saw in her eyes that she wanted something from me , but unlike my father 's request , her 's was doable and reasonable . I reached over and began running my fingers though the soft fur on top of her head . Her stare eased , signaling me that she had forgiven me for shutting her out of my room ; since I found her she had been by my side and that is where she is happiest . She laid her head on my knee and I pulled both my hands behind my head and laid back into my pillow . I had a big decision to make and I had to make is soon . I just recently turned sixteen and with that , as the old saying goes , comes great responsibility . After all my party guests left my father , in one of his lucid moments , sat me down and asked me to take on a great task . He began by explaining to me that Octavia had set out to create a legacy out of the Slughorn name ; one where people would hear the name and admire it and be able to take life lessons from . He went on to tell me that she had decided that she had wanted me to carry on this legacy , and my dad wanted to know if I would take on that challenge . Percy brought along with his steady Margo , and as he stood at the gravesite he could not muster any tears for his departed mother . His heart was crushed and he felt lost without her , but the tears just would not come . Margo just rubbed his back and whispered in his ear that everything would be okay . Firefly still kept her distance from Porter , but was there with the girls to allow them to say good - bye to their grandma . Porter 's heart was heavier than most at the funeral for he was dealing with a double loss . He was not allowed to be with the woman he loved and the woman who had raised him when the man who shared his DNA abandoned him was now gone . The only comfort he could find was in Robin and Ana and he tried to rejoice in the blessing he had in his girls . Parley struggled and felt lost . She was the only female of the Slughorn clan and she didn 't know how she would cope without her mother . Without a woman to guide her through all the things she needed to learn . All of us tried to be there for her in the days that followed mom 's death but the only one she seemed to respond to was my best friend and the boy she use to find annoying , Midori Sour . I watched as he held a protective arm around my sister and I just knew she would be okay with him in her life . Even Danger and Misty Zone were there . My father was so against them attending , but Danger convinced him he had a right to be there since he and Octavia had three sons together . Misty acted as if she had lost her best friend . I didn 't understand her reaction because she and mom hadn 't been friends for years . At the end of the service Father Thomas called on Parley . It had been requested by my father that Parley sing the departing song . When he had asked her to do it she just shrugged her shoulders and walked out of the room and never brought it up again , but now when it was time to step in front of everyone she froze in her spot . I watched as Midori pulled her tight against his chest and wrap his arms protectively around her . He whispered something in her ear and waited for her reply . She wiped the tears from her eyes and stepped out of his shield of protection and took her place in front of mom 's coffin . She cleared her throat and tried to sing , but the only thing that came out was a strange croaking noise . She bowed her head and wiped more tears from her eyes . After a few seconds she tried again : The house after the funeral was a mad house . Many of those that weren 't allowed in the cemetery showed up with casseroles , and breads and really what they wanted was a glimpse of the inside . They wanted something to gossip about , something to criticize and something to be jealous about . Most got what they wanted especially after the book came out . The rest of us pretty much found our own thing to do . Parley and Midori were out back sitting on the swings , Pax , Jade and Bluebell were busy in the kitchen putting away food and serving some as well . Percy and Margo were held up on the couch talking in low voices amongst themselves and dad was desperately trying to avoid the single women that were now hunting him out . I found myself in a chair with the family photo album on my lap . The day seemed to drag on forever . Two months after we buried Octavia we Slughorn 's had our first birthday . It wasn 't a very festive day . There was no cake , no balloons and really no presents . I felt bad , but when I asked Percy about it he told me he was fine with how it all went down . Lucky for him he has a great gal in Margo and she took him for a picnic lunch in the park . Dad asked Percy to stick around for a while to help him take care of the three of us left at home and he agreed . Dad hadn 't been doing well since mom died . He was growing distant from us and wasn 't providing for us as he did in the past and a month later when the " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn " came out he just about shut down completely . The whole town turned their backs on our family when that awful book came out . It didn 't take long for us to be the talk of the town and not in a good way either . Soon the kids in school started to torment Parley . They would have done the same to me , but I had Midori and I just didn 't care what they thought so when they saw that their teasing didn 't affect me they got bored with it and stopped , but Parley was a different story . She didn 't really have any friends , well except for Midori who was my age and in a different class , and she was very sensitive and the slightest things would set her emotions off . Even though my dad had pretty much tuned out when Parley came home from school upset something made him pay attention to that and finally he had , had enough . It was decided that we would move . For the first time since mom died he became active in researching the best place for our family and plans were made . Months past and it was decided we would move to Appaloosa Plains . The house in Riverview became Percy 's and since Porter had kids he opted to stay with Percy until he was legal to move out on his own , which would be soon after we moved . Moving day came and all of our belongs were packed tight in a moving van in front of the house . It was time to say our good - byes and be on our way . The house was full with family and friends and many hugs , I love you and good lucks were being tossed around , but Parley was nowhere in the mix of things . She hadn 't liked the torture of the other school kids , but she didn 't want to move . She didn 't want to leave her brothers , nieces but most importantly she didn 't want to leave Midori . " There you are . " She wiped away tears as he took her hand . " Come on we need to get you back to say your good - bye 's . " He tried to lead her back but she pulled against him forcing him to stop . She just stared at him . He moved closer to her and brushed her cheek with his hand . " It will be okay . There 's skype , email and texting I will always be there for you Par . " " You 're going to forget all about me when I leave . You are going to find some pretty , normal girl and fall madly in love and I will be but a memory . " Parley sobbed against Midori 's back . Midori slowly turned around and looked her in her eyes . " You 're such a silly girl . Do you know that ? Did I let the fact that you found me annoying stop me from getting to know you ? No ! I 'm not about to let distance stop us from knowing each other . So stop being silly and get in the house and say good - bye to your family . " There has been a lot of change in my life since you three moved to Appaloosa Plains and it is so hard to know where to start . Soon after your move Jade found out she was pregnant . It came as a huge shock to as all for part of our arrangement was to be careful and I mean it when I say we were . We had a family meeting about it and it was decided that nothing had really changed and we would raise the baby together . Yes the three of us . There are all kinds of families out there so why not create our own unique family . As long as the baby was raised in love what makes the difference , right ? Other than being pregnant Jade is doing well with her flower shop . She is booking a lot of weddings and other formal events . Bluebell is also doing well with her job . She got a promotion at her office and she is in charge of her own department . Work for me is going about the same as when you left . I 'm getting regular articles now , but it is still hard to become something when the town you live in still talks about the past and what they believe to be the truth . Until next time family be well . Love Pax , Bluebell and Jade Dearest Family , Since my last letter my life has been turned upside down . As you know when Antoine was born the four of us lived in harmony for a short time , but I found myself spending more time with Jade and Antoine and deep inside I started to have stronger feelings for her then Bluebell but I never let that on . I couldn 't do that to Bluebell , but she was no dummy and she could see and felt the shift in our family . One morning I went to her bedroom to spend some time with her and she was gone . All her belongings has been removed and she had left a letter telling me how much she loved me but she couldn 't be a third , or in our case fourth , wheel anymore . She wished me a good life . I had tried to get a hold of her and she wouldn 't take my calls . Finally her family told me she left Riverview . It broke my heart to lose another person I loved , but I knew it was for the best . As for Jade , Antoine and I we are one happy little family . Jade and I married in a small private wedding as Antoine stood by as witness . Jade 's flower shop is doing wonderful and I finally got my own column . Riverview has pretty much forgotten about Octavia , but from time to time you will hear her mentioned . Until next time family be happy You are all really missed here in Riverview and I hope Appaloosa Plains is treating you well . Margo and I are doing well and are very happy together . Many still try to convince us we should get married , but why fix what isn 't broken . She and I are on the same page about marriage and we don 't find it necessary to be happy . Margo is content to being an at home mom to our boys Gary and Grant . Once they start school she will go back to her decorating business , and I am doing well in the medical track . Miss and Love you all Yes it is me Porter . This is me all grown up . Yeah yeah I know I still look like a punk . LOL So after I became an adult I did what everyone expected me to do . I married the woman of my dreams Firefly Tuesday . I counted my savings and booked tickets to Simvegas . I marched right over to her house and the look of shock on her face was priceless . She didn 't know what to say to my new - found age . I grabbed her hand and began to drag her to my car , it is a good thing I had made arrangements with her mom to watch the girls . Our wedding was fast and long overdue , but in our mind it was perfect . We were able to spend three days there just being with each other . No judgment and no kids and then it was back home to be with our girls and to find a place to live . When we got back to her house we found all of Oodee 's stuff packed and she handed me the deed to the farmhouse . She told us this was her wedding gift to us and she wanted us to be happy . She had already rented a little house on the edge of town and after we spent some time with her I helped her move to her new home . She has been very happy there since and she comes over all the time and we are always glad to see her . So there you go Porter Slughorn , the town screw - up , is a married man . One who is committed to his family and so happy that his life worked out . Love Porter , Firefly , Robin and Ana Ana and Robin are so grown up . They are both in ballet , but Ana also takes girl scouts . They both miss you all greatly and send their love . The Quads , Jefferson , Theresa , Jamil and Freddy are now toddlers . They keep Firefly and I very busy and we are always tired , but we wouldn 't change our life for anything . Theresa copies her big sisters when they practice their ballet and we know she will have to be enrolled soon . The boys are just rambunctious little boys always getting into things and are curious about everything . We hope this email finds you all well It was a long trip to A . P . and by the time we arrived Parley had convinced herself that Midori would forget all about her and that he would break her heart more than it was already broken so to protect herself she cut ties with him . She wouldn 't answer his emails , phone calls and other social media attempts to contact her . Only through me was he able to keep tabs on her and during our discussions you could tell he wasn 't liking how things were going . Slowly , without real friends she became distant , sarcastic , and snarky . She kept to herself most of the time she is held up in her room drawing . Luckily she was maintaining good grades in school so there was a positive . My dad has still been shut off to us . He still does his fishing for money , but he forgets to take them to the market and I have to do that for him most of the time so we can maintain our bills and buy food . I fear I may have to get a part - time job to help supplement the money he isn 't making because lately his catches have been small . I 'm not sure if it is from lack of trying or lack of fish . He does have good days , but more bad than good . As for me I spend most of my days caring for my family , making sure I do well in school and hanging out with my best friend , Cherry , who is a dog . I found Cherry about a year after we moved to A . P . She was raiding a tipped over garbage can and she was dirty and full of fleas . There was just something in her sweet eyes and I just couldn 't walk away from her . After a lot of coaxing she finally allowed me to approach her . I found a tag on her beat - up collar that had a phone number on it . I took her home , gave her some food and a bath and brushed her fluffy fur . She was so grateful that she rested her head on my knee and looked up at me with those eyes of her 's and I was in love . I almost didn 't call the number because I already couldn 't bear the thought of having to return her to her owner . I did the right thing and sometimes doing the right thing pays off . When the person on the other end picked up I was surprised by who the number belonged too . It was famous Baby Challenge Mom Becks Best . I told her I had her dog and she was so relieved . She explained that she was in the process of moving and in between packing , keeping track of her kids and the litter of puppies Cherry Tree must have got out but she was really shocked that she had made it all the way to Appaloosa Plains . She also explained that she was unable to keep the litter and had to find a new home for Cherry . When she said that I asked her how much she wanted for her because I just knew in my heart that Cherry belonged with me . Becks seemed to contemplate it for a moment and said , " I can hear in your voice that you have taken a fancy to little Miss . Cherry . She is already in your home and you were kind enough to take her in and care for her and to call me so I would like you to have her . She is my gift to you Pello Slughorn . " I was shocked and very grateful . We ended the call with an agreement that I would give her updates on Cherry 's life . So that is the life of the Slughorn 's over the past few years . Tomorrow is Parley 's thirteenth birthday . This should be oh so interesting . Let the games begin . Pierson Baby ChallengeDrowning In ColorA Berry Sweet Famacybuttonsginger . wordpress . com / Taking ChancesBlaine Hawkins ' 100 Wee - OnesSims 3 100 Baby ChallengeRises In The EastA LegacyThe Journey LegacyA Random Legacy Challenge in the Sims 3 that will span 10 generations . differenta backwards rainbowcy . . . toomuchcolor . wordpress . com / Too Much Color , Too Little TimeLook After You " I 'm an angel ( bored like hell ) and you 're a devil ( meaning well ) . Bare your fangs and burn my wings ; I hear bullets singin ' . " Lilly in the WindI 've walked the longest road , so don 't fail me now feet , don 't fail me now . Fire & IceMeet the McCray family . . . BoundThere is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable . ~ Mark TwainA Woeful Lotus " Immortality isn 't punishment enough for what I have done . " ~ Lotus EverglowThe Falling Skies Blog and the Road Less TraveledFalling Skies News , Episode Reviews , Character Reviews and Canadian and Independent Film New and InterviewsThe inside storyThis WordPress . com site is the cat 's pajamasTV AddictWatching just about everythingMadeline Lemi - Generation 3To live is like to love - - all reason is against it , and all healthy instinct for it - Samuel ButlerOur ImperfectionsOne Mother 's Journey to SuccessA Berry Crazy ISBIStyxLady 's " I 'm Surrounded By Idiots " Challenge Attempt
|
In the center of the kingdom stands the castle , where King Dormal rules with a fair hand . The castle and the land around is covered in a blanket of snow , bathing the land in a quiet softness . It is the last winter holiday before the new year . The royal family is gathered in the main room , settled on various couches and chairs . They are dressed in casual attire , no need for formality around each other . A fire burns in the hearth . Bottles of wine and mulled cider are laid out on a table nearby . A clock on the wall reads 10 : 30 P . M . " I don 't care how many times you tell that story , Crescent , it never stops being funny . I wish you 'd tell us more about when you worked as a mercenary . There 's so much we don 't know . " SILVERBELL , princess and only daughter of Rose . Her face is framed with curls , and she is outgoing and vivacious . She stands nearby , looking out the window . DORMAL , young king , and son of Rose and Domerin . He sits near his brother , glass of wine in hand . He has a strong , kind face , and a welcoming smile . " I suppose your right . And we don 't exactly want drunk people running around in the snow . It 's not coming down , but it 's pretty deep out there . " " Reminds me of that time we found that elemental . You remember , Domerin ? In the middle of winter . I thought our fingers were going to fall off from frostbite . " Villagers stand outside in the snow , in front of a large wooden building , dressed in thick winter clothing . Many shift , looking nervous . The mayor addresses Domerin , Crescent , Rilan , Valia , and other members of their team . " They told us people had started going missing in the snow . These were people used to the area , mind . They would hear voices on the wind . Laughter rumbling down from the mountain . It was eerie . The locals said they thought had to do with this old ritual site outside town , though it hadn 't been used for centuries . " Domerin and his group make their way up into the foothills , riding snowmobiles borrowed from the village . The landscape is breathtakingly beautiful , despite the chill , but the group keeps a sharp lookout for danger . They arrive in a circle of trees , and approach something dark . " When we went to investigate we found this mound of stones , just under the snow , not even up to my knees . It was covered in frozen flowers . The villagers told us they put them there every year . Some sort of a tradition from long ago . The place reeked of magic . We hardly probed when all hell broke loose . " Valia kneels in front of the mound , magic light pulsing in her hands . Everything goes still , then there is a rumble , and a shake . Air and snow begin to rush down the mountain , and swirl madly at the group . It forms into a large ice elemental . " Valia told us later the creature had been stirring , pulling people into the snow . She felt awful for waking it up , but everyone knew it wasn 't her fault . At the moment all we could do was fight it . We couldn 't let it run rampant . It was one hell of a fight , though . Everything was blurry with the snow , and you could smell the storm in the air . " The elemental attacks , and the group fights back with weapon and spell . The battle is fierce , and at one point Rilan is injured . Eventually , after a long and grueling fight , the elemental dissolves into snow . " That thing was a nightmare to take down . One of the hardest elementals I think I 've ever fought . We 're lucky we didn 't lose anyone . " " It was lucky , though poor Rilan was sick for weeks after that . He got hit pretty bad by that thing . We all took turns going to help take care of him . " " You should ! It 's warm there , and peaceful . I could fall asleep in front of Mother 's fireplace . The nights are dark and it 's so quiet . You wake up , birds are singing . No traffic , or people pounding on your door all the time . " " Not usually anyway . I get callers , sometimes . I like my privacy , but I don 't mind seeing a friendly face every now and again . " " It sounds wonderful . Maybe I will plan to come visit you later this year . It would be nice to get away from the castle for awhile , and all the things that are hard to escape . I 'd love to take a walk in the woods around there . " " It 's not a crime to take a break , Dormal . Let me know when , I 'll meet you there . I can show you all around . It 's really lovely . ( pauses , grinning ) Well , as long as you stay away from the caves . " " Sorry , sorry ! One of the times I visited I decided to explore a bit through the woods , and found a cave opening some ways away from her place . You know me and caves , I just can 't resist going inside . " " As if that would work on me , Belle . Caves are a bit of an obsession of mine . Like climbing the highest tree for you . I can 't resist . Besides , I didn 't go far in alone . " Rose and Valerian stand at the mouth of a cave . The light outside is brighter , indicating the time has changed . They examine the markings , Rose interested and pensive . They speak , and head deeper into the cave . " We went quite deep . I had explored the area when I chose to settle there , of course , but this I must have missed . It didn 't give off any sort of magical aura , and I didn 't get an ill feeling , so I thought there was no harm . " Rose and Valerian walk the hallways of the cave , with a magic light to illuminate . Rose stops every now and then to leave a magical marking of light on the wall , to help guide them back out . The cave is beautiful . " We found more markings , though I couldn 't find any special meaning in them . I didn 't really expect to find much more than that . But , there was this massive underground lake . It was beautiful , perfectly placid . Like some sort of a forgotten shore . " " The lake was ; the shore wasn 't . There were these bones all over the ground , all old and brittle . They made the worst crunching , snapping noise you could imagine when we stepped on them . They were everywhere . I thought someone had been using the place to summon up ghosts with old tomes , or something of the like . " Rose kneels down at the edge of the water , letting her hand hover over it , but not touching . Her face is reflected in the water , and she studies it , as if looking into a mirror . The water remains still and Rose stands smiling . " It used to be a place where people took the dead . I didn 't feel any ill presence , but performed a cleansing spell just to be safe . Still , I think that was the last time I 'll ever enter there . " " I suppose I shouldn 't pretend that Silverbell and I had a particularly eventful year . Dealing with nobles and ambassadors isn 't exactly the most exciting of things . They all think an overheard remark is cause for a gossip party . " " I don 't want to tell anyone about that . There 's hardly any time left before midnight . You really went to spend the rest of it embarrassing me ? " " It was one of those days where I didn 't have court and I was aching to get out of the palace for a bit . I told Silverbell , and she decided to do something about it . She couldn 't take me to distant lands , but she does know all the best ways to sneak out of the castle . " Dormal and Silverbell are dressed somewhat down from their usual attire . They wait near an exit that will take them out into the city . Dormal casts a spell over the both of them that will disguise their appearance . Despite this , they must be careful , and wait many tense moments , before they can go . They head into the city . The royal siblings walking the streets . They laugh , talk , and take in the sights , not in any rush . It 's a nice day , and Dormal looks relaxed as the walk , and aren 't bothered by anyone . They make their way to a store with a simple , unobtrusive exterior . " Everything was fine , until I thought we should stop in this little store I 'd heard some of the guards talking about , that sold this amazing tea . They sold all sorts of weird little things . I actually think you 'd like that store a lot Valerian . It also turns out it 's a tea shop , of sorts . " The inside of the store sells all sorts of things , knick - knacks , historical items , things from different lands . It 's full of tables , shelves , and displays full of items . Despite the strange air , and the cluttering , it doesn 't appear menacing . Along with the clutter , there is also a section devoted to all sorts of teas and tinctures the woman happily shows some . " Let 's just say I think the guards were trying this tea on on their days off . You 'd think it was our first time drinking , or something . I think we were giggling by the time we left the store . " " Yes ? Though I don 't think it was anything dangerous . Imagine someone wrapping you up in a fluffy rainbow and pushing you out the door . I could hear music in my head , and there were so many colors in front of my eyes . It was actually quite relaxing , in a way . " " I sneaked out of the palace plenty of times , but I can 't say I ever got myself in a situation like that . You 're lucky you didn 't get yourself hurt . How did you get home ? " Dormal and Silverbell , still disguised by magic , sit on a park bench near a small lake . There are people all around having fun , playing , reading , riding paddleboats in the lake . The royal siblings giggle and point out different things to each other . Dormal becomes concerned and hurries over to talk to some people near a group of ducks , waving his arms a bit . " We walked back , eventually . I 'm not even sure how long we were gone . I think we even went to the park and just sat there starting at the ducks for an hour . It felt like the right thing to do . " " I kept telling people not to pet them , over and over . I think they thought I was crazy . I remember smiling at them , thinking I now had a duck smile to add to my repertoire . " " Looking back it 's funny , but we 're really lucky my spell didn 't wear off before the tea did . It would have been a scandal if the king and princess were found walking the streets under the influence . I don 't think I should do it again . " " Your father is right , dear . You shouldn 't change who you are , or suppress those desires . You know how to handle yourself , just be a little more cautious next time . And , perhaps , don 't let your sister choose the tea . " Everyone toasts to that , rising and exchanges hugs and kind words for the year to come . Silverbell moves to the window , peering out . The midnight air is dancing . Silverbell 's jaw clenched , almost imperceptibly . Crescent was sitting across from her . His eyes automatically searched out tell - tale signs like that , and he caught it before the princess drew in a breath , no doubt trying to calm herself . He could imagine what was likely going through her mind at the moment , and it included some hair curling words . He couldn 't blame her , he wanted wipe that smug little grin off the minister 's face too . " Very well , " she said , her voice cutting , after several long , uncomfortable seconds of tense silence . She stood and made her way to the door with nary a sound . It closed with a soft click , giving no clue as to how angry she must be . Despite getting older there were some things about his daughter that would never change . That was why he found himself climbing the great oak in one of the back gardens of the palace . It had always been her place to get away from the world . It was harder for her to hide now , and he made no attempt to hide his approach . Silverbell shot him a nasty look as he took a branch near her . " I don 't want to talk to you , Crescent . The ministers made me look like a fool and you didn 't say anything to defend me ! " " Listen to me , " he said , a bit of hardness in his voice . It was rare he used this tone with the children , but he wanted to impress upon her the importance of what he was about to say . " If I 'd spoken up they would never have taken you seriously . If I defend you in a meeting like that , to them , you will always be the princess who needs her father to step in and ' save ' her . You 're better than that . " " But how do I make them take me seriously when they talk me out of a meeting ? If I ask mother to force them they 'll feel the same way . They 'll just ignore me . " " But Crescent , everybody knows who I am . Val and I were playing pranks on the ministers from the time we could walk . Most of them have seen me running and climbing all over the place , being a goofball . They know what I 'm like . They know I 'm a kid . " " Of course not , and you shouldn 't have to . No cat denies who they are . " He thought he saw a flash of pride in his daughter 's eyes , and he couldn 't help a little smile . " You know that when I was younger , before you were born , I was a courtesan . Nothing but hired entertainment among the nobles . Now I 'm an ambassador . What I was isn 't something that typically leads to where I am now , and there are plenty of ministers , and people in the court , who remember me from those days . Hell , some of them hired me regularly . There was scandal when I was appointed , and it took some of them years to stop trying to dismiss me because of my old profession . The key is to change what they see . " " Create a persona , a sort of character you play . I wear a mask in those meetings . I show the ministers the face I want them to see . I 've been doing it since I started out . Your mother does the same thing . To be honest I think she might be better at it than I am . " He paused a moment , chuckling . Silverbell was silent , seeming to be thinking on that . In many ways she 'd always been the boldest out of the three siblings , the most frank . She had never been one for real subterfuge , outside of all her harmless childhood pranks and games . " In some ways , yes . I came from nowhere , and no one knew me when I started . Most of the ministers and nobles saw you grow up . They will always have a picture in their head of you as a child . They think that gives them power . Just like they think remembering me as an escort gives them power over me . " " It 's not , " he said , fixing her with a look . It wasn 't like his daughter to give up . " The key is to let them believe they have that power , that they 're winning . I give them what they want . Until I suddenly don 't . You can do this . Watch how your mother works in court . Really watch her . As her daughter you know her true face , which gives you a unique advantage to be able to see the masks she wears . Challenge yourself to see how she plays others . Do the same with me . We 're your parents , you 'll be able to see our masks " " It 'll take time , " he said , reaching across the space to lay his hand on her knee , " but I know you can do it . If I thought otherwise I would have spoken up today . You 're going to be great . Maybe even better than me . " It was a beautiful day . Three figures walked up the small , grassy hill that was part of the palace 's garden . There was a small mound of dirt , almost invisible from afar . It was covered in grass but easy to find , as it was marked by a little grey stone . The royal twins , Silverbell and Valerian , walked with a measured step unusual to them . Crescent trailed close behind , their guardian for the day . Silverbell clutched a daisy in one hand . Valerian carried a black lily in his left hand hand , and a blue dahlia in his right , for his brother . Crescent carried a golden chrysanthemum . They came here every year to lay flowers at the spot where their first pet goldfish was buried . It might have been silly , but it was important to all three of the royal children , and so it was something of a tradition now . This year things were a little different . Dormal was with their mother on a diplomatic trip , and Domerin was with them , so it left only Crescent to take the twins . They 'd promised to bring a flower for their brother . He 'd been surprised Dormal had been willing to miss it , but he 'd taken it well . " We are here , like every year , to remember Bubbles , " Valerian began , his voice serious . " He left us four years ago , but we do not forget him . The way he would swim , and eat , and curl his pretty tail around always brought us joy . " There wasn 't much else to say about a fish . He laid his black lily down atop the mound . " Dormal couldn 't be here , Bubbles , but he says hello to you . He said he remembers sprinkling the food in your water and loving to watch you dart around to eat it up . And he said he remembers the time he forgot to feed you , and now bad he felt . He said sorry . " He finished , and set the blue dahlia down . " He was the best fish , " his sister continued , " even if he had that bad fin . And even if me and Valerian wanted to eat him sometimes , at first . " She looked down at the mound . " Sorry . You looked very tasty . " A hint of mirth flash in her eyes , which was matched a moment later in Valerian 's before they both quickly tried to stifle it . " We miss you Bubbles . " She laid her daisy down next to her brother 's flowers . Crescent only just managed not to laugh . He was surprised to see that mirth . There had been tears from all three children the first few years they 'd done this , but he got the feeling they were starting to grow out of it , each in their own way . His children looked at him expectantly and he cleared his throat . " Bubbles was a fine fish , even if he did look tasty . Watching him swim was relaxing , and I sometimes sat by his tank while I did my work . I was grateful for the company . Thank you Bubbles . " His twins seemed satisfied and he laid his yellow flower down , signaling an end to the proceedings . It didn 't take long for the mood to break and Silverbell moved to bump her brother 's shoulder before shooting away , becoming a yellow - furred streak across the grass . Her brother soon followed , shouting as he tried to catch her . It was good to see it . They 'd been inconsolable the day that fish had died . Crescent followed along after them at a slower pace , padding along in his half - feline form . He still wore his court clothes . The weight of responsibility was never far off these days . Soon enough the twins fell in a heap of limbs down on the grass of another small hill . Untangling themselves , Silverbell rolled onto her back , while Valerian took a bit more of a dignified position while they caught their breath . Crescent caught up and joined them . No cat could resist such springy grass . His son seemed to be lost in thought , though that wasn 't unusual . He was growing increasingly thoughtful as he got older . " You 're going to die some day , aren 't you ? " His son 's voice cut through the warm spring air . Both children were suddenly looking at him , and he felt oddly pinned to the spot . The question caught him up . He wasn 't quite sure what to say . It was one of those natural questions , but it could be upsetting to children . He wished Rose were here , but he wouldn 't deny them an answer . He 'd long since learned being a parent wasn 't easy . " Yes , someday . " Silverbell turned over , both of them staring . " Even with extending our lives , it happens to everyone , in time . We 're lucky . Cats don 't generally live all that long , naturally , but we get to now , if we want . I would have been gone long before you were born , if I 'd lived my natural span of time . " Two sets of eyes , one green and one blue , widened . " So we might not have been born at all . " Valerian 's brows furrowed . It might have been the first time he 'd contemplated that they might not have existed . " Dormal could have been by himself . " " It 's a hard thing to think about , but just remember that all three of you are here , and all three of you are loved . That will never change . I am very glad you were born . " He added quickly , trying to soothe them . " You are the finest kits a cat could ask for . " His words seemed to lighten the mood a bit . " I bet you like me better , don 't you Crescent ? " Silverbell 's brags were common , even if her voice sounded slightly more brittle than usual . She no doubt wanted to change the subject and it worked , for the moment . Valerian was already pouting , never able to resist . " It is what parents do . They do it all the time . I heard Countess Remy say she likes her younger son better than her older one . They like the one that looks like them best . " Her teasing had gone a bit too far , but before he could step in Valerian spoke . " That means mother likes me better than you , because I look the most like her . " There was no boasting in his tone , instead sounding as if he were just stating facts out of a book . It was something he 'd started doing more , of late , and it always managed to goad Silverbell . She looked as if she were about to pounce , but Crescent got up and quickly inserted himself between them . He wouldn 't have them fighting each other . " Enough of that , you furballs . " His tone held just enough reproach in it . Before they could start pouting , he reached out , and scooped each of them up in an arm , and with little circumstance , pulled the two of them against his chest . He nuzzled them each thoroughly , mussing up their hair and fur , drawing squeals of both laughter and protest . " I like both of you the same . And your mother and Domerin love you both the same too , just like I love Dormal . No more of this liking any of you best business , all right ? " Crescent was satisfied and loosened his hold . Valerian seemed content to stay cuddled up next to him . Silverbell soon wriggled out of his arms to try and hop on a butterfly . His son looked up at him , that serious look having returned . " I don 't like to think that one day Dormal will die , or any of us . " " I don 't like to think about it , either . " He said , seeing no reason not to be honest . This was no easier for adults to think about . " I love you all , and don 't want you to go away . The thought of my life without any of you makes me very sad . But , you will have plenty of life to live before that happens . Death doesn 't take away the good times shared with someone you love . " " Crescent , what does happen when we die ? " Valerian had never been hesitant to ask difficult questions . He had a scholar 's mind ; not at all like his own . When his son looked at him , with surprisingly knowing eyes for his young age , it reminded him a lot of his mother . He was going to grow up to be very wise indeed . Silverbell had a sort of fiery determination in her , that reminded him a lot of himself . When he 'd been younger he never would have imagined he 'd one day have children . Yet , here they were and his sense of pride and his care for them could not have been stronger . For a moment he felt the weight of years upon his shoulders , but he would not have traded having his children in his life for anything , not even his youth . He smiled up at her and nodded . " I 'm fine . I was just thinking about how lucky I am . Come , " he said , patting the grass next to him , " sit with me , and I 'll tell you what I know . " Silverbell complied , for once , and settled close , completing the circle of warmth . " Many things . Our bodies nourish the earth , and our spirits go where they are meant to go . It is said that no two cats believe the same thing where that is concerned . And that 's where things get interesting … " He smiled down at their wide eyes , knowing they would be here for some time . Luckily the day was warm and bright , a perfect day to be alive . The sky was blue and clear , dotted here and there with delicate white clouds . The air was warm , and smelled of lovely , carefully cultivated flowers . It was her favorite type of day . A perfect day . Or , it would have been , had she not messed everything up . Princess Silverbell had run away from it all , or more precicely climbed , to the top of the highest tree she 'd been able to find , and curled up in a branch to cry . She was far away from home , having accompanied her father on a diplomatic mission . She 'd been so excited to go along , to visit a distant place and see how her father worked . Even away from her brothers she 'd been having so much fun up until today . A stiff breeze rocked the branches , but she had no fear of falling . She 'd been climbing almost since she 'd been able to walk . She really shouldn 't have been up here , in her fancy clothes , but at the moment she didn 't care . No one would follow her up here and she felt safe in the tree , even if she still felt terrible . All she 'd done was tell a little joke . The other adults had laughed , but one of the men had gotten so angry and yelled at her , and said such terrible things . At home people mostly appreciated her humor , she was used to people liking it . Though she didn 't spook easily , the virulence of the man 's reaction had caused her to flee . Was everything he 'd shouted at her true ? She was startled out of her thoughts as she heard the sound of branches creaking under the weight of someone ascending underneath her . She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and shifted a bit so she could look down . Her father was steadily climbing up after her , still garbed in his fancy clothes . Part of her panicked . Despite his skill , he 'd tear them if he came up , get them all dirty . That would be all her fault too . Her own clothing had fared somewhat badly during the climb , but there was nowhere she could go to get away , or make him stop , and so she curled up into herself again . " Neither should you . " There was no reproach in his voice , though . He 'd never chastised her for climbing . " We can be where we shouldn 't be together . " His tone was reassuring before he settled into silence again . She couldn 't help but sniffle , unable to find the words on her own . " He yelled at me ! That Ambassador Torinth ! More like Ambassador Jerkface . " The last came with a growl , though even the insult didn 't make her feel better . At least Crescent didn 't reprimand her for it . She gave a little cry . " All I did was tell a joke and he screamed at me ! Told me I 'd been acting terrible since we got here . That I was unladylike and that I 'd … " She trailed off , fresh tears falling . " That I was a shame to my mother . " She could see her father 's face through her tears and there was a flash in his eyes , something sharp , that went away after a few moments . Crescent moved , climbing up onto her branch , settling himself with his back against the trunk . He reached out for her then , drawing her carefully into his arms . She didn 't resist , instead burying her face against his chest , letting the sobs come without trying to check them . He held her close and let her cry , rubbing her back softly with one hand while he cradled her with his other . Moments like these were rare , and she often found herself in her mother 's arms , but she felt safe here too , protected . When her sobs began to ebb a bit , Crescent smoothed back her mop of hair , speaking softly close to her ear . " Silverbell , you 're nothing like he says . You 're still you , no matter what . " She sudden looked up at him , her eyes a bit pleading . " But what if who I am is wrong ? I want to be like you , Crescent ! People do what you say , they like you . What do you want me to be ? What can I do to be like you ? " Her father looked pained for a moment , and he shook his head . Leaning in he pressed his forehead to her own , a gesture she 'd always associated with love and warmth . When he drew back she could see that same love in his eyes . " Oh , my dearest one , all I want you to be is yourself . You , exactly who you are , is more than enough . Do you think for a moment that your mother and I , Domerin , or your brothers love you any less for being who you are ? That 's why we love you so much . Don 't change for me . Don 't change for anyone . Being true to yourself is a precious thing . " His words sunk deep , and she did feel a warmth inside her as she thought of her family . They all loved her , she 'd never doubted that . Though she 'd gotten in trouble for behavior in the past it had never been because of who she was . Never a random outburst from someone she barely knew . " Mother has never made me feel like I make her ashamed . " She admitted . Her mother had aways encouraged her , and never hesitated to express her love . " I still want other people to like me , though . " " People love you . The guards at home , the staff , the friends you 've made . You 're funny , bold , caring . All great things . " He offered her a reassuring little smile . " And here 's a secret . People don 't always like me , or do what I say . " She wasn 't sure if she totally believed him , but he went on before she could protest . " You don 't usually see it , because it happens in the negotiation room , or they 're more subtle about it . But I 've had lots of disagreements with people . Not everyone is going to like you . That 's how people are . Tornith doesn 't know you , and , even if he didn 't like the way you were acting , he had no right to speak to you that way . You meet all sorts of people in life , including jerkfaces like him . " She couldn 't help but giggle softly to his choice of words , but sobered a bit as he went on . " Staying true to yourself is what matters . " It was hard to believe that people didn 't like her father . He was the quickest person she knew , and she hoped to one day learn his same wit . It was a bit of a revelation to think that there were those who didn 't see him in the same light as she did . His words felt right to her . She liked who she was , and why should someone she hardly knew take that away from her ? She gave a little nod . " I 'll remember , Crescent . " Crescent gave her a little squeeze . " Good . You 're one of the lights in my life . Be who you are , and make no excuses for it . If , one day , you decide you want to change , do it for yourself . But you have plenty of time to get there . " Silverbell felt better after all of that , somewhat emboldened . Her happy , boisterous energy would return in full soon . Wiping the remnants of her tears away she gently bumped her father 's forehead with her own . He smiled at her and she felt a warmth returning . " Let 's head down , " he said . " I think there are some tea and cakes waiting for us . Race you down ? " He asked , giving her one of his signature grins . They often had climbing races at home . The prospect of sweets perked her up even more . She shifted out of his arms , grinning right back . For a moment it looked as if she would accept his challenge , but she paused , seeming to be thinking . " We 'd better be careful so we don 't rip our clothes up . " With that she started back down , slowly and carefully , feeling warmed by the proud smile she saw on her father 's face . < Ow ! Get your foot out of my face ! > Silverbell growled into her brother 's mind . The pad of his foot had just come in sharp contact with the left side of her face . It hadn 't been sharp enough to daze , which was good , considering where they were , but her left eye stung and she could taste dirt in her mouth . < Sorry ! > Came the reply from above . She knew Valerian hadn 't done it on purpose , and she relented . During a climb wasn 't the time to start a tussle anyway . They weren 't particularly high up , and both of them were natural - born climbers , but this was quite a bit different from the trees and heavily decorated buildings they were used to . There was also the fact that Valerian had started keeping his feet more on the ground these days , his head buried in books . Silverbell 's mind had begun to turn to the outdoors and physical challenges , so her brother 's blossoming interests sometimes confused her . Age brought change ; she at least understood that . They weren 't so different yet that both weren 't looking forward to the fun in store , though . The royal twins were not a week past their tenth birthday . There had been a grand party , presents , a wonderful day spent with their family . But every year they had a smaller celebration , just between the two of them . They each chose something to do , and they went and did it together . Almost since she could remember , at least one of them had chosen some sort of prank to play . Causing mischief was in their nature and , despite their age , she wasn 't so keen to stop the tradition . This year 's prank had been her idea . It was the middle of the night when they 'd sneaked out of the palace . It was something they 'd done innumerable times , but they 'd never come to the pumping station alone . They were currently scaling the side wall , which didn 't offer many easy hand holds . Luckily they didn 't have too far to go before there were plenty of pipes to grab onto . Valerian stopped and Silverbell perched next to him , their furry bodies pressed shoulder to shoulder . < This is the place . > She could hear the sound of water as it rushed along inside . Perfect . She grinned at her twin and he grinned back , and together they slipped inside through a pipe entrance . There was a protecting grate that would have been too small for a human , but she and her brother were far more flexible than that . She loved everything about being a cat . The thrill of stealing into places , of not getting caught , pleased something deep inside her . She had no desire to steal , she had everything she might have wanted , it was the challenge itself that fulfilled her . Valerian , who was far more magically inclined than she was , had woven a simple working , creating an item infused with a color changing spell . The real kicker was that it would turn all the water it touched into a rainbow of colors when it was dropped in . It was simple , would be striking , and above all it wouldn 't hurt anyone . Silverbell might have enjoyed their pranks , but they 'd never set out to do anything malicious . They climbed up onto the lip of the cistern , each pulling on a single glove . Valerian took a pouch off his belt , and drew out the spelled item . Silverbell couldn 't quite stifle a giggle when she realized it was a rubber duck . Leave it to Valerian to be so clever . Instead of being yellow the duck 's color morphed and changed , rippling over the molded surface . It would transfer that property when it touched the water . Valerian reached down and set the duck in the water , and in moments the rainbow had rippled out over the clear surface , the water swirling and constantly changing in a myriad of hues . Silverbell let out a soft squeal of delight , and there was a huge , pleased grin on her brother 's face . She reached down to give the duck a push , and the pair of them watched as it bobbed merrily on the surface . < Brilliant ! Oh , this is going to be so wonderful ! > She couldn 't wait until everyone saw . She was sure Dormal would be delighted . Her hand still hovered over the water and she couldn 't help but dip her gloved fingers in , before flicking some of the water at Valerian . She watched in surprise as it hit his clothes , and a large color changing patch appeared . < Better be careful , > she sent , her mental tone gleeful , < that 's gonna leave a mark ! > Valerian looked down at his clothes , an obvious sign of what they 'd done , and he too reached down , splashing his sister back . < Likewise ! > Knowing what was coming , he twisted and bounded away before she could retaliate . Silverbell grinned and launched herself after her brother . She didn 't think he 'd planned to make it affect clothes too , but it made it all the funnier . It wasn 't like people at the palace bathed in the fountains . Perhaps it would turn all the grass and flowers into a shifting rainbow too . The thought thrilled her . This prank would be even better than she 'd expected ! The two of them often played like this , caring little for where they were . It often caused the palace guards no end of consternation . They were sure of foot , and for the moment didn 't seem to care they were making noise . What Silverbell didn 't notice was that Valerian had dropped the bag from earlier onto the edge of the cistern , and as she chased her brother she slipped on it . There was a long , slow moment while she fell , followed by a great splash as she tumbled into the brightly colored water . Valerian stopped in an instant , eyes wide as he looked for her . It took only a few seconds for her head to breach the surface . Sputtering , she quickly grabbed onto the side , scrabbling out of the water . Her eyes were wide , breathing quick , but was unhurt . The sudden dunking had been a shock , and she was no more fond of it than any other cat . She was soaked to the skin , her golden fur and clothing plastered to her frame . But there was something else , and she noticed it as her brother burst out laughing . < Oh , Silverbell ! > He pointed and she looked down at herself . The glove , her clothes , her hair , and her fur were all marked with a rainbow of colors . Even as she watched they started to shift and change . Her eyes and mouth went wide , her expression no doubt asking if he could fix it , but Valerian just collapsed into a giggling heap . She jumped at him , preparing to try and haul him into the water too , but before she could manage there was the sound of footfalls , and a rough voice calling out . Their hijinks had no doubt caught the attention of the guard . As one , they turned and sprinted away , the rubber duck and a trail of rainbow water all that was left to mark their passing . They slipped out the way they 'd come , not stopping until they were sure no one was following them . Silverbell was in a mood , but her brother looked as if he were still trying to stifle his laughter . " You know , Silverbell , " he said , his voice teasing , " that 's definitely gonna leave a mark . " Again he lost himself to his laughter . She bumped up against his shoulder with her own , but she couldn 't stay mad at him . It had been a grand adventure , and she still couldn 't wait to see the looks on everyone 's faces in the morning . Dormal would definitely get a kick out of this , and she loved delighting her older brother . " I hardly feel like I can keep this to myself , " she said , a wicked grin finally curling her lips . " Come here , brother dear . " She lurched at him comically , trying to put her arms around him . He lept away and she followed , and the two of them chased each other home , laughing at the fun the rest of the way .
|
So with yesterday 's posting of All We Are , Chapter Eight , I am officially out of story chapters to post . I 've been relatively good since I came back in November of not letting too much time pass between chapters but in late December , I caught a nasty cold and sinus infection I honestly don 't think I 've kicked in the last few months . I spent last week sick as a dog AGAIN . It 's so frustrating . I 've been so sick that I can 't work , my room looks like a pit and my brain feels fried . " I knew I could find you here . " Emily let her arms fall to her side and gestured at Cody . " Doesn 't a bodyguard work better when he 's by your side ? " " Ah , not that it 's any of your business , " Elizabeth began , " but we ran into Michael , Morgan , and Rocco as we arrived . Cody decided to wait at the car while Rocco walked with us . You know how close Cam and Morgan are . " She eyed Cody who just offered a small shrug of his shoulder . Elizabeth pressed her lips together briefly and counted to ten briefly before answering . " It was on the paperwork . Lucky declined to read it . That 's really not my problem . " " And I 'm sure your marital plans went unmentioned as well , " Emily snapped . " You sure as hell didn 't tell me you were marrying my brother before the ink on your divorce papers was even dry . How was that even legal ? " " Not that I owe you an explanations , but I had an expedited hearing on Monday in the Dominican Republic . I had the right paperwork , so it only takes twenty - four hours . Once the divorce was issued , Diane registered it here in New York so that left me free and clear . " Elizabeth arched a brow . " Lucky for me , I live in one of the few states in the US that recognizes that kind of divorce . " Elizabeth held up a hand . " Whoa . Excuse me ? First of all , one of the reasons Jason and I started to get close again was because I went to see him on your behalf with Sonny . You 're going to call that harassing ? Or when I risked my career to get Sam treatment ? Or when he saved my life when Manny kidnapped me ? What the hell , Em ? " " Lucky swore you were having an affair this summer . " Emily stepped towards her , her face taut with anger . " It wasn 't with Patrick , was it ? You never denied anything too much . He was right . You were with my brother . " " You know , I think I 'm getting soft in my old age . " Carly slapped the newspaper at his chest . " You should sue these bastards for libel . I wouldn 't talk about my dog the way they talked about Elizabeth . " " Really , I should have seen this coming . " Carly planted her hands on her hips and whirled to face him . " Ric 's trying to get leverage on her to flip her against you . Easy , peasy . But , hee underestimated her . " " I can 't think of how I would have screwed this up if you 'd told me , " Carly continued , " but we both know I could have managed it . But hey , it 's done now . What can I do to help ? " Carly pursed her lips . " I like her kid , you know . Most parents won 't let their kids within five feet of mine . But Elizabeth knows the score . She had no problem letting Cam play with Morgan , be his buddy at school . Morgan talks about this kid every day . " " Yeah , I know they 're friends . " Jason leaned against the arm of the sofa . Better to let Carly just wind herself down . " Does that mean you 'll give her a break ? " " Isn 't she pregnant ? " Carly wondered . " Cam said something about getting a new brother . " She frowned . " How is she going to work being married to you and carrying Lucky 's kid ? " Jason rubbed his eyes . He wanted his quiet morning back . He wanted to be back in the kitchen making breakfast with Elizabeth and promising Cameron a set of race cars . " You whore ! " Sam threw the paper down and stepped towards her . Jason reached for his ex - girlfriend 's arm to hold her back , but then Carly grabbed a chunk of Sam 's hair and wrenched back . " Hey , the only person who gets to scream at Elizabeth right now is someone who doesn 't live in a fucking glass house , " Carly hissed . She released Sam 's hair and pushed her away , putting herself between Sam and Elizabeth . " Is that you , tramp ? No . " " I - " Jason just stared at her , because of course she was right . They 'd been engaged for months . But then again , there 'd been his illness and then Manny Ruiz . When would they have found time ? " Now that we have that settled . " Carly eyed Elizabeth . " Jury 's still out on how I feel about you , but you never slept with Sonny , so I suppose you 've got that going for you . " " You should both go . Now . " Jason reached for Sam 's arm to propel her out the door . " Cody , make sure Sam gets out of the building - " " Ah , Jase , we got a situation . " Cody finally spoke up from his position by the door . " The DA 's on his way up with an officer . So … maybe … " His eyes took in the scene . " We can stash Mrs . C and Sam across the hall - " " Call Diane , " Carly ordered Jason . She reached for Sam 's hand . " We 'll be in the old maid 's room . And don 't worry about her . " She grinned . " I 'll keep her quiet . " " Carly will keep her quiet . " Jason closed the front door and took Elizabeth 's purse from her . " Listen , just - don 't say anything . Diane might not show up in time - " " What do you think ? " the piece of scum retorted . Ric glared at Elizabeth . " This is your bright idea for handling this , Elizabeth ? You lose your job , so you run to the richest man you know - " Elizabeth lunged to her feet , opened her mouth , but Jason held up a hand . It was essential she gave him no ammunition to work with . . " If you have anything you want to discuss with my wife , then you should talk to our attorney . " " You can speak to Diane about that - she filed the papers . " Jason moved to the desk and handed him a card . " In case you forgot her number . Now get out . " " Do you think this is over ? " Ric hissed . He stepped towards Jason , who just stared at him . " Do you think you 've protected her ? You 've just made her a target , Morgan . And now , when I take you down , she 's going with you . " He and the unfamiliar cop left then . Jason moved to the doorway and waited until the elevator doors had closed . He looked to Cody . " Let me know when he 's out of the building , and from now on , no law enforcement gets clearance for this floor without a warrant . " Jason exhaled slowly and then turned back to Elizabeth , whose face was a bit paler than he 'd like . He had to get Carly and Sam out of here before they could deal with what might happen next . " Carly ! " he called . Carly was tucking the duct tape in her purse . " Lucky finding that back there , " she said . " I 'm keeping it by the way , you never know when it 'll come in handy . " " Oh my God … " Elizabeth pressed her hands to her face , her words coming out more as a half moan . " This is such a goddamn farce . " " Is Ric coming after you ? " Sam demanded . " Is that what 's going on here ? " She looked to Elizabeth who just kept her eyes closed . " You should have said something - I wouldn 't give you away to him - " Elizabeth cleared her throat . " So . Well , that takes care of most of the people that are going to flip out . At least on your side . I still have - " She stopped . " Anyway . " She shook her head . " I don 't - I don 't want to talk about Sam . I 'm sure Carly enjoyed herself . " She crossed to the desk where Jason had set her purse and drew out a white envelope . " I - I went to Mercy . " " I couldn 't - I couldn 't open it . I wanted to , but I was afraid - " Elizabeth pressed her lips together and held it out to him . " I want - can you do it ? I just … my hands are shaking too much to deal with it . " But just as he reached for it , she drew back . " Wait . " " No , I just … " She gestured toward the recently closed door of the penthouse . " I just … it 's … I wanted to keep this to ourselves and this penthouse today has been like Grand Central station . Maybe we could … go upstairs where we can 't be … interrupted ? " It shouldn 't matter . Jason had walked away from Sam , and they were married . Not for the reasons Elizabeth might have dreamed of once , but it was a marriage . They shared a bed , they cared for one another . She turned to face Jason as he closed the door , the sun streaming in through the sheer curtains . She again held out the envelope . " Moment of truth . " Jason took the envelope and stared at it for a moment . What did he want ? Did he want this baby to be his , to be theirs ? It would make so much about this situation easier in the short - term , but a child was forever . Did he really want that connection ? Oh , God . All the air rushed out of her in one swoosh and she swayed slightly . " What ? " She reached for the paper and he released it . " This , " Elizabeth began as she folded the letter and slid it into her purse , intending to burn it as soon as possible , " is the only outcome I could think about . Jason - " She stepped closer . " I never wanted it to be Lucky . " " I would have dealt with it , " she told him . " But from the moment I learned I was pregnant , I wanted it to be yours . " She licked her lips . " I was afraid to admit that , to really hope for it - but , God , Jason , I wanted to give you a child - " " Having you wait out here for us is like … " Elizabeth sighed , letting her head fall back against the head rest . " It 's being ashamed of what I did . It 's not going to make it any less true if you sit out here . " She turned her head to meet his eyes . " And I want her to believe me when I tell her I 'm not sorry . " " Okay . " There was no arguing with any of those reasons , though he didn 't care for the pressure she was putting on herself . But he knew what it was like to have family who claimed to care about you only as long as you performed to their expectations . " Well , no , " Elizabeth admitted as they started towards the house . " Holding Carly hostage in our local panic room didn 't seem quite believable , particularly when Scott Baldwin hired him to work at the DA 's office rather than you know , prosecuting the bastard . " She huffed . " I told her he 'd had an affair - which was technically true . " " Well , I think her exact words were something along the lines of - ' at least he 's not Jason ' or my personal favorite , ' he didn 't get you shot at or kidnapped ' . " Elizabeth rolled her eyes . " Yeah , because those were the worst things that ever happened to me . " She touched the door knob . " So , yeah , she really doesn 't care for you . I 'm sorry . This is going to suck . " Audrey sat on the sofa , a book in her hands . Cameron was at her feet , using a pile of Legos to construct a large tower . At the door opening , Cameron 's head snapped up . He grinned and lunged to his feet , rushing towards Elizabeth . " I 've been trying to think of the best way to tell you this since I left on Sunday , " Elizabeth said , tossing the last yellow plastic piece in the container and fitting on the top . She drew herself to her feet . " But I suppose the best way is to just say it , like ripping off a bandage . I divorced Lucky in the Dominican Republic in Tuesday morning . Diane filed the paperwork here to register the divorce that afternoon . And that evening , I married Jason . " " I know you don 't care for Jason , but you don 't know him , " she responded . " Not the way I do . You don 't know how good he is to me , how good he 's going to be for Cameron and this baby . He doesn 't treat me like garbage or - " " And I was raped because I walked through the park one night alone , " Elizabeth murmured . " And my ex - husband 's mistress poisoned me , put a venomous snake in my studio , and caused my miscarriage . The worst things in my life , Gram , cannot be laid at Jason 's feet . And I wasn 't shot at because of Jason . " She pursed her lips . " That was because of Zander . " Tears burned in her eyes , but she refused to allow them to fall - she would not give her grandmother the satisfaction . " Maybe I didn 't for a long time . After all , why else would I stay with Ric Lansing when he 'd brought me nothing but pain and misery ? Or why would I put up with a drug addict who put my child in danger and slept with a teenager ? I must have thought very little of myself to allow those situations to continue , but it 's over now . I 'm done with guilt and obligations , doing the right thing because someone else told me what it is . " She tossed her hair over her shoulder . " I married Jason because I wanted to , and that 's good enough for me . " " Well , I hope that 's a comfort to you in his bullet proof penthouse , " Audrey murmured . " With your guards and the danger - I hope you 're happy with the world you 're bringing your children into . I cannot imagine Lucky will allow you to keep them full - time after this . " " I see you have answers for everything . " Audrey pressed her lips together . " I can 't imagine what else we have to say to each other - " " Neither can I , Gram . " She picked up the container and watched as Jason came down the steps , Cameron 's duffel bag swung over one shoulder and her son in his arms . " Thank you for watching Cameron for me . " " Yep , " Cameron nodded . " Morgan is my best friend in the whole wide world . Jax is gonna be his second daddy and he 'll live with them . " " Well … " Elizabeth glanced at Jason who pulled to a stop at a traffic light . " I married Jason , so we 're going to live with him . " " Do I got my own room ? " the little boy asked . " Because I gots my own room , it 's okay . I don 't wanna share . Does he got kids too ? " " It 's going to be okay . " Jason took a hand off the wheel and laced their fingers together . " I know it was rough with your grandmother , but we 'll get through it tomorrow . " Nikolas took the paper from her and frowned as he read the brief account . " Looks like Elizabeth divorced Lucky in the Dominican Republic and married your brother on the island that evening . " He set the paper aside . " I wondered . " " When Elizabeth went out of town immediately after getting those papers signed , and Jason disappeared as well ? " Nikolas shrugged , sipping his coffee . " I assumed they were Dominican divorce papers . " He tapped the headline . " The marriage … well that I didn 't see coming . " " How could she do this to Lucky ? " Emily asked . " This is going to set his recovery back so badly - " She shook her head . " With the second baby coming - she should have waited . He 's going to get over this and be himself again - ' " And there 's no law that said Elizabeth had to wait around for him to get there . Christ , Emily , he had an affair with another woman . " Nikolas eyed her . " If you remember correctly , that was reason enough for you to leave me . " " I 'm not sure what caused her to turn around and marry Jason so quickly , " Nikolas said . " I worry that maybe she 's in trouble , but I do know that your brother saved her life last spring . After the hell my family put her through - I don 't know that I have the right to judge . " " Well . " Kelly slapped the paper down , her dark eyes lit with excitement . " Never let it be said that our Lizzie doesn 't know how to make a splash . " " I feel like this violates some sort of Girl Code , " Lainey murmured , taking the paper from her and skimming the text again . " I feel like a decision of this magnitude should been covered in some sort of way over drinks . Or tea , since she 's pregnant . " " Hey , more power to her . She traded in a five for an eleven on the smoking hot scale . " Kelly leaned across the counter , her lips curved in a wicked smile . " I would not mind a piece of Jason Morgan - " " Well , we 're concerned , " Lainey said . " We consider Elizabeth a friend . She divorced one man in the morning and married another by the end of the night . I just hope she knew what she was doing - " Jax glanced up from his breakfast and coughed harshly . Next to him , fourteen - year - old Michael pounded him on the back until his future stepfather had regained his breath . " What the hell ? " " You know , I should have seen this coming , " Carly mused as she took a seat at the head of the table , skimming the paper . " Jason thought someone was threatening her - Elizabeth was calling him for help . She was being charged with a bunch of nonsense - this all makes sense . " " In what bloody universe does it make sense that Elizabeth is now married to Jason ? " Jax demanded , snatching the paper from her hands . " A Dominican divorce ? Hell . " " That 's technically true , " Carly said reaching for a muffin and tearing off a piece . " But this makes it way more complicated to compel her testimony . She can only testify about what she sees with her own eyes . Communications with Jason are off limits . Ric could ask her about something before the marriage , but she could easily derail the whole thing by telling him something Jason told her after the marriage . " Carly grinned . " And then her testimony is thrown out , there 's a mistrial . Very expensive . Hardly worth the trouble . " " Eat your breakfast , smart mouth . " Carly grinned . " God , I would love to be a fly on the wall at the Davis - Lansing home when Ric and Sam read the news . " Sam 's wail broke the silence of their normal quiet breakfast . Alexis stopped trying to force Molly to eat her oatmeal and turned towards the front door . " Sam ? " Jason scowled and leaned against the kitchen counter . " Sonny said he was just putting an announcement in the paper . I didn 't think they 'd go this far - " " How could they resist ? " Elizabeth rolled her eyes . " Listen to this : ' The new Mrs . Morgan was not only previously married to a detective with the PCPD , but to our very own interim prosecuting attorney . " She huffed . " He wasn 't the DA when I married him , and he sucks at it now . " " Oh , yeah , where they insinuate he 's the illegitimate son of a wannabe gangster . " Elizabeth pursed her lips . " I want to be angry about this , Jason , but it 's not like it 's not true . I 'm not sure what Diane can do . " She set the newspaper down . " Cameron is Zander 's son - it 's a fact I 've never tried to hide . He was killed in a shootout with the PCPD , so you know , it 's not like I can pretend he was an upstanding citizen . " She peered down at the newsprint . " Though I noticed they left out Lucky 's stint in drug rehab and his affair with the commissioner 's daughter . Are they more scared of Mac than they are of you ? " " Because I don 't see the point . " She wrapped her arms around his waist and tilted her head up to look at him . " They didn 't print anything that wasn 't true . And I 'm glad they left out some of it . " She pressed a quick kiss to his lips and returned to making Cameron 's breakfast . " Which parts ? " Jason reached for the newspaper again . This wouldn 't bother him normally , but he didn 't like the way the Port Charles Herald had talked about her or Cameron . " I 'm glad they left Maxie out of it . " Elizabeth stepped towards the doorway of the kitchen to peer into the living room where Cameron had been glued to his cartoons since waking up twenty minutes earlier . " She 's dealing with enough . " " I remember Maxie a year ago , when she first started to date Jesse . " Elizabeth scooped the last of the scrambled eggs onto a plate . " She was different - still headstrong , but a good heart . And then he was murdered . Right in front of her . " She turned to him . " I remember what that was like - to think you 've got your future in front of you and then to see it literally shatter into a million pieces before your eyes . " " And I know that it can make you so angry that you decide you 'd rather feel anything other than the despair , the devastation . " Elizabeth pressed a hand to her chest . " So you start to do self - destructive things . I got lucky , Jason . The first time I decided to go wreck my life , I found you . " She arched a brow . " I should punish Maxie because she found Lucky ? " She just smiled and set Cameron 's plate on the table . " Anyway . This is a phase for Maxie . It 'll pass . She and I will never be friendly again , I 'm not crazy , but you know , I can see her pain . She 's clinging to Lucky because he makes that pain go away for a bit . " Elizabeth shrugged . " She 'll figure it out . " She stepped towards him , her eyes soft . " And if she 's really fortunate , " she began , stressing the word , " she 'll find someone who doesn 't make her forget about the pain of losing someone you love , but helps her learn to live with it . And move on . " She kissed him again . " Like you did for me . " She went to the doorway to call to Cameron as Jason tried to process the way she saw their early friendship . He remembered the night of the blackout - when she 'd told him she 'd been in love with him back then . He had assumed she 'd meant that last summer - before Courtney and Ric . Cameron rushed into the kitchen and climbed into his booster seat . " I can 't wait to tell Morgan about my new room , " he chirped , shaking the ketchup bottle over his eggs . " It 's so big , Mommy . " " And yet you still managed to make a mess in less than three hours . " Elizabeth slid into a chair at the table , sipping her tea . At her side , her cell phone vibrated and shook but she only reached for it to look at the caller id . " Yeah , Mister Patrick has the best ! " Cameron told him , bouncing in his seat . " He lets me play with them sometimes . " He pouted . " Do I gotta give ' em back , Mommy ? " " I 'm sorry , baby . " Elizabeth ruffled his curls . " It was nice of Patrick to lend them to you this entire week , but he loves those things more than some people love family members . " " Man . " Cameron huffed and pushed his plate back . " How come I gotta play with otha people 's toys ? " He sniffled . " Morgan 's got a whole room for his toys . " " Cam … " Elizabeth bit her lip . " I - I know I wasn 't able to do much this last year , and I 'm sorry - but things are going to be different - " " I - I know , but I didn 't get him anything and I should have . We 're friends , " he told her . " I mean , then . We were friends - " " Can I have race cars for my birfday now ? " Cameron demanded , not interested in his mother 's protests . " I don 't gotta wait until I 'm four do I ? " After Cameron had finished eating and returned to his cartoons , Elizabeth started to clean up . " I didn 't overstep , did I ? " Jason asked , setting his dirty coffee mug in the sink . " What ? " Elizabeth blinked at him . " No . No . I - I just hate that I haven 't been able to do much for him . " She sighed and tucked a plate in the drying rack . " We were barely able to celebrate his birthday at all this year . Lucky had just left the hospital and he was still in so much pain . " She bit her lip . " I was working on Sam 's case . There wasn 't much money because Lucky 's health insurance with the department only covers him when he 's working , which idiotic but it 's not like I make the rules . " She sighed . " Bobbie made him a cake , and my grandmother bought him a few toys . There were some clothes , but it 's hard for him . He started preschool this year and he 's absolutely in love with Morgan . But Morgan has a big house and lots of toys - " " I get it . " Jason touched her back lightly . " I just - there 's no reason for him to go without something he really loves . I have money - " " But it 's not why - " She stopped . " Never mind . I know you don 't think I married you for money , so there 's no point in arguing that . It 's more that … " She pressed her lips together . " I 'm not entirely used to having someone to … share in the decisions . " " Yeah , Lucky and I have been together since Cameron was a baby , but - " she paused for a long moment . " He left most of it to me . I took Cam to the doctor , got him ready for daycare , spent my free time with him . I 'm not saying Lucky was a bad father … . just … " She shrugged . " Not very involved . He never got around to adopting him - never enough money for that either . " " No , but it was a message to let me know the results are ready today . " Her cheeks flushed . " Um , I thought I 'd pick them up after I drop Cameron at school . And - and if you 'll still be here , I could bring them back … " Flustered , she twisted her hands together . " I mean , unless you have to go meet Sonny or something - " " I told Sonny we were getting the results back today , " Jason said . " And that we 're getting everything settled . I 've got the day clear . " " Okay . Good . " She smiled , but it was nervous now . " I mean , I just - I think we should look at the results together . " So I 'm going through a bit of a dry spell , so to speak . I get moments where I feell good about writing , but they 're small and few between lately . Inspiration is easy , it 's translating my thoughts from outline to prose . I 'm not sure what it is or why I 've been having trouble the last few weeks , but this is just a note to let you guys knowt that updates are going to slow down for a while . Damaged is not back on hiatus , just slowing down a bit . I don 't want to start posting in the new format until I have several episodes ready to go . I have two more chapters of All We Are ready to go and will be posted this week and next . After that ? It 's really up in the air . So I took a few minutes and scheduled three weeks ahead for All We Are because we got to Thursday night and I hadn 't posted for this morning yet . Yikes ! All We Are has been updated to Chapter Six , our honeymoon chapter . I did almost no writing this week save one scene for an episode of Damaged . I have no good excuse for this except that I got my hands on SimCity and got horribly distracted . Also it was my nephew 's birthday , I worked , and I 'm studying math for the Praxis . Anyway . I 'm sorry . I 'll be better next week . I updated the music page finally and All We Are has a full Volume 2 soundtrack , which is good for everyone else . You can find that link on the story page or click here to check it out on Spotify . I try to keep Grooveshark updated but tracks keep randomly disappearing and it 's annoying . And because I feel like this got missed in the long annoying update from last week , Damaged has a brand - new theme . I intend to tweak it further now that I 've got it looking much more the way I want it too . Please head over and let me know what you think . I worry that the text is too small . Monday is your first new episode of the new format so stay tuned ! " I 'm sorry if I woke you , " she murmured as Jason joined her , sliding a warm arm around her waist . Elizabeth leaned her head back against his chest , tucking her head under his chin simply because she could . How many times had she wanted to touch him and resisted ? Elizabeth turned so that she was facing him . Tilting her head to the side , she peered up at him . " You 're always asking me what I want . " He dipped his head down to kiss her , but she giggled and drew away . " Morning breath , " Elizabeth told him with a wagging finger . " I haven 't brushed my teeth yet . " " Mmm … is this a frittata ? " Elizabeth picked up the fork and knife he 'd set out . " And no . " She wrinkled her nose . " I spent way too much time on that side of the island the last time I was here . " She took a small bite and closed her eyes . " I wish I could cook like this . " " Hey . " She jabbed the fork at him , her eyes sparkling . " I 'll have you know I can make anything that comes in a box . " It should feel odd , even awkward . But it didn 't . Was it simply being away from Port Charles ? From the outside tensions that so often influenced their interactions ? " Anyway , " Elizabeth said a few moments later , taking a swig of juice . " I was never any good at the casinos . I managed to lose even when I suspected Sonny was fixing the tables in my favor . " She laughed . " I know that 's the only way Carly ever won . " " That 's where everyone thinks I am anyway . " But her smile faded a bit . " Did - did you want me to go the resort for a while or something ? Do - do you need to do something ? With Sonny , I mean ? " She bit her lip , and for the first time since the ceremony , a bit of uncertainty flashing in her eyes . " Or do you just want some time to yourself - " " No . " Jason set his coffee down abruptly . " No , that 's not - " He exhaled slowly . " I just … I thought you might want to go - " " Because if you need to meet with Sonny while we 're here , that 's okay . " Elizabeth pushed her half - eaten plate away from her a bit . " I mean , it 's … it 's your job , Jason . I - I can go get a massage - " She started to slide down the stool , but he rounded the granite counter and stopped her descent , his hands at her hips . " Elizabeth . Sonny asked us to dinner tonight so you could keep Robin company for a bit while we dealt with anything we need to talk about . I just - " He stopped . " I 'm sorry , I just thought you might want - " " No , I 'm sorry . " Elizabeth looked past him , her eyes cast down as if trained on the marble tiles . " I guess , I mean … this morning - and - and last night , it 's just … maybe I don 't always trust feeling happy for more than a few hours . " The corner of her mouth lifted . " There 's … there 's always something waiting just around the corner - " " I know . " He let her slide the rest of the way to the floor , then tipped her chin up to force her meet his eyes . " Elizabeth . Remember what we talked about yesterday ? " " Honesty . " Her smile was back now , smaller and maybe a bit shaky - but genuine . " Right . So I guess I just have … to trust that . I 'm sorry - " " Don 't apologize - " He cut her off with a firm shake of his head . " I know what you went through with Lucky - I saw it . I watched him try to break you into little pieces every time he accused you of having an affair with Patrick - " " To the point when I merely mentioned a paternity test to Kelly and Epiphany , they both assumed Patrick was the other party . " She sighed . " I 'm working on it , Jason . I guess - I mean , we knew it would be more complicated than just … getting married to keep me from testifying - " " No , " she whispered . " Can - can we have more mornings like before ? I mean , once we go back to Port Charles , this - it won 't go away ? " " I just - " Her breath was shallow , her chest rising and falling rapidly . " I just - this is different . Not like last night . Or this morning . I just - " She bit her lip . " I don 't want there to be any misunderstandings between us - " " No . " The corner of her mouth curved up . " I just wanted you to know that my eyes are wide open . This isn 't about wanting to feel something , to forget about anyone else . It 's not our wedding night or the afterglow . " Her fingertips trailed down his chest towards the waistband of his sweats . " A bit . " Sonny leaned against one of the large granite pillars . " They looked good yesterday , didn 't they ? You don 't think I pushed too much ? " " I think , " Robin said , perching on the edge of a white railing , " it was a lovely ceremony and they 'll have good memories of it . They looked startled , but not upset . " She peered over the vast greenery that separated Sonny 's home from Jason 's . " I never would have put them together . Even when Elizabeth told me what had happened this summer - I still couldn 't see it . " She smiled and looked back at him . " But now that I have ? I like it . " Robin laughed , wrinkling her nose . " It 's weird to think of him of being right for someone else . I mean , I 've moved on with Patrick and I love him , I really do . I know Jason was married to your sister , that he was engaged with Sam , but I don 't know … he always seemed … " She wiggled her shoulders . " Stressful . Every time I saw him with Sam , he was tense . Not because of her , I guess , but - " " She didn 't offer him a break from his world , " Sonny murmured . " She miscalculated there . She knew that Courtney had left him over the job , heard the rumors it was why Elizabeth had walked out - so she turned herself into the perfect sidekick . " " He thought he did , and I can see how it made sense . " Sonny sipped his bourbon . " But maybe he 's starting to get that you need something else . A sense of separation , of … " " Peace , " Robin murmured . " Of quiet . Of something stronger than the next rival , the next catastrophe . " Her lips curved . " Well , Sonny , I think you gave them a really good start . What they do with it from here out is up to them . " " Listen . " Robin settled onto the long chaises dotting the area around the pool , tucking her legs underneath her . " You forget , I 've been in this since the beginning . I remember the way you looked a week ago , in that parking garage . " " He was the sexy man standing over there . " Robin sipped her wine . " I remember . " She frowned . " Wait , is that weird ? Because I mean , I dated him - " " It 's fine . It feels like another lifetime ago . " Elizabeth lifted a shoulder . " I don 't know , Robin , we just started talking again in the spring and it 's like … all those feelings - all that love I had for him , and maybe whatever he felt for me , it was just … dormant . " " Like kindling waiting for a match , " Robin nodded . " It happens sometimes , you know . It doesn 't mean you were destined to have an affair - " " But we did . Technically . " Elizabeth sighed . " Or I did . Part of the reason I never really lost it when Lucky accused me of being with Patrick was the fact I knew something wasn 't right . I was - " She lifted her free hand in the air . " Overly involved in Jason 's life by that point . Turning to him when things with Lucky were falling apart , trying so hard to get him to go back to Sam - " " And I didn 't go find Emily or Nikolas , or even you . I didn 't stay with my grandmother . " Elizabeth bit her lip . " I took the first excuse I could find , Robin , to crawl into bed with Jason . I have to be honest with myself about that . " " No - but I felt so guilty about not being sorry I ran right back to Lucky to prove I wasn 't that kind of woman … " Elizabeth shrugged . " But I was . I married two other men because I didn 't believe I could ever have the one I wanted . I kept settling - " " And the universe kept dumping Jason in your path , so maybe it 's trying to tell you something . " Robin leaned forward . " What 's going to happen next in Port Charles is going to be tough . I 'm not even talking about Ric Lansing - " " I know . There 's Carly , my grandmother , Lucky , Emily - Sam - " Elizabeth chewed on her lip . " That 's why I 'm just … I 'm going to trust Jason . We can make this work . He 's going to be so wonderful with Cameron , I know that . And this baby … " She pressed a hand to her abdomen . " I 'm going to hope like hell we find out on Friday this is Jason 's child . Because I want to give him a child , I want a child with him , Robin . But even if it 's not , I can 't let that shake what we 're trying to do . " " Exactly . " Robin gestured with her glass of wine . " It 's going to be you two against the world - with a little help from me and Sonny . " She frowned . " And Patrick , because I 'll make him . But if you guys can keep your foundation strong , you 'll get through whatever Ric has ready for you . " " Yeah , I 'm not crazy . Just getting Diane to get Ric tossed off my case and marrying Jason is not going to fix anything . " Elizabeth rolled her shoulders . " It 's only going to piss him off . You 're not that familiar with a vengeful Ric Lansing . " She dipped her eyes down . " But I am . " Elizabeth clinked her glass with a grin . " And I 'll tell you what , Robin , for the first time in years ? I 'm going to do exactly that . " Elizabeth sighed . " I know . My grandmother is expecting me in the afternoon to pick up Cameron . " She tilted her head back to catch a glimpse of his face from the light of the torches . " Should … should I tell her ? Or should I wait until the notice is in the papers - " " It 's done now , " Jason replied , idly lacing the fingers of their hand together as they had that night in his penthouse . " You might as well let her know before the papers . If you don 't - " " It would probably be even worse later , " Elizabeth murmured . " I know Ric isn 't going away . I just hope he 's distracted enough by Alexis and her health that he won 't take extreme measures - " " I 'm glad we had this today . " Her eyes grew heavy as the steady beat of the waves crashing against the shore echoed in her mind . " It was perfect . " " We 'll come back , " he promised her . " For longer . And we 'll bring Cameron . And - and maybe the baby , too . Does Cameron like the water ? " But she didn 't answer him . Her eyes were closed , her lips curved into a gentle smile . She was so beautiful , this woman who had trusted him with so much . So it 's Friday , which means if all has gone well , you 've read updates for All We Are , The Best Thing , Damaged , and the additions to Fiction Graveyard . Yay ! If it 's gone badly , well , there 's not much I can do about it now . Anyway . Before we get into the nitty gritty , The Best Thing is going on hiatus again for at least two weeks . I know , you guys must really hate me by now , but hey , if you 've been putting off reading it because it 's too long , this is a fantastic chance to grab the ebook that has all the current chapters ( even through Chapter 21 ) so you can be fresh and ready when the second half the story starts . I ran out of my buffer chapters again , oy . I tried to get one done in time for next week , but I know even if I rush the next chapter , it likely wouldn 't be beta 'd in time , and there 's no way I 'm going try and hurry it through Cora , who has her own life going on . So , a slight hiatus is best for everyone . If you did not receive an email with Episode 005 of Damaged on Monday , then you 're not signed up for those specific updates . Damaged is on a separate website so it can have a different look , but it does not share the same update list . Please go to the website and sign up ! Otherwise , you 're stuck waiting until I get around to a summary update after I post All We Are on Fridays . So go sign up ! Don 't miss it when I start posting twice a week ! Yesterdays was the featured story since November 2014 , but now , your featured story is The Witness . I know it 's been featured before , but I can 't help myself . Of all my older stories , it 's my personal favorite . Read , revisit it , let me know if you like 🙂 Okay , with that out of the way , what are your updates this week ? In the Fiction Graveyard , I posted all of Lupercalia . I was going to add more but it looks like the stories that are left to add all have the same editing issues that keep me from posting Poisonous Dreams # 1 in bulk , so Fiction Graveyard is off the regular roster for updating again . I 'll work on getting chapters edited , but it 'll be updated when I get the chance . You also have Chapter 21 of The Best Thing , which officially delineates our halfway point . Omg , you 're saying , I 'm sure , this bastard has another 21 chapters to go ? What the hell . Ha . I feel ya . I still have to write those 21 chapters , how do you think I feel ? This was not supposed to be so insane , but I added the first part of the story to the outline , in which Jason and Elizabeth fall in love again - I had originally planned to just open the story with them engaged , so you know , yeah , that added a good sixteen chapters to the whole thing . I have issues . You have Chapter 5 of All We Are , of which I am particuarly proud . It took a week to write in order to strike the right tone , but I think I nailed it ( if I say so myself ) , and I 'm looking forward to posting Chapter Six , which is the last of the calm before the storm . I 'm writing this story pretty fast , so as soon as it 's finished , I can dig into Mad World have that ready to for posting . And of course , Episode 005 of Damaged , which finished up my introductory arc of five super long episodes to build and establish my version of Port Charles , April 2014 . Episodes from the future arcs will begin again with the numbering , so you 'll get Episode 001 of an Untitled Arc starting March 16 . Damaged also has a new theme to make it more distinctive from this website and I 'm still working on it 🙂 " J - Jason ? " Her trembling voice wafted out . Below him , he could see Sonny and Robin milling about on the terrace . Sonny had constructed his villa with a long winding stairway on the outside of the building rather than inside . " Hey . " He kept his voice light . He didn 't care if Sonny or the justice of the peace were getting impatient . If Elizabeth wasn 't ready , then they weren 't doing this . " I just wanted to make sure you were okay . " " I - I 'm s - sorry . I c - can 't … " Her voice faltered . " I can 't d - do this . I thought I could , but I - I can 't . " He closed his eyes , resting his forehead briefly against the oak door . After a moment , he exhaled slowly and straightened . " It 's okay , Elizabeth . You don 't have to do anything you don 't want to . I told you that . " Then the door opened , and she was standing there a strapless white dress that fell to her knees . She wore some makeup , but her eyes were red and some of her mascara had smeared . " But - " " This part of it was just to keep you from testifying . " Jason slid his hands into the pockets of his khakis . " You 'll be in the clear on the other charges - " Elizabeth stepped away from the door and gestured for him to come in . He did so , and closed the door behind him , wanting some privacy . " I mean , it 's not … the wedding that has me upset , okay ? It 's … not like I don 't get what Sonny 's doing . He 's done this before . I have to wear a dress , and you have to … " She hesitated , and chewed on her bottom lip , looking at the white button down shirt he wore and the light pants . " You look nice . " " No , none of that … " She sighed , pressed a hand to her forehead and turned away . " It 's not the wedding . It 's … the marriage part of it . " He blinked , because that didn 't make sense . Weren 't they the same thing ? " I don 't - I don 't understand . " " It 's … about tomorrow and all the days that come after it . " She turned back to him . " What about Cameron ? What if this baby is Lucky 's ? What if you fall in love with someone else ? What if this doesn 't work and Ric makes me testify or - " Jason held up both hands to halt her rapid flurry of questions . " Wait , wait - " He stepped towards her . " Let 's just … take this one step at a time . " She pressed her lips together and looked away . " About Cameron ? I don 't know what - I 'd be his stepfather . I 'd love and care for him . As for the baby … " He hesitated because he didn 't like to think about the alternative . He wanted this child to be his , not Lucky 's . But she was right to be concerned . " If the baby isn 't mine , we 'll handle it however you want . We can - we can keep that to ourselves . Or if you think Lucky should be in the child 's life , then we can do that , too . " Jason stepped closer to her , sliding his hand along her cheekbone so she 'd open her eyes . When she was looking at him again , he cleared his throat and continued . " I 'm not going to fall in love with anyone else , Elizabeth . " Her lips trembled , then parted . " Right . I mean , of course not . I - you 're in love with Sam , so what if you want her back a - and you 're stuck with me - " " Jason … " His name was almost a plea as she stepped back and his hand fell away . " I just - I don 't know what you see for us . What kind of marriage you want . " " Then what do you want me to say ? " Jason demanded , finally frustrated . Damn it , he just wanted her to be happy but how was he supposed to accomplish that if she wouldn 't tell him what she needed ? " I don 't know what you want from me - " " I don 't care about what I want ! " Elizabeth retorted . Her eyes were angry now , sparks all but flying from them . " God , Jason , stop asking me that . I asked you what you wanted - " " Because you always leave it up to me . " She slashed her hand through the air . " You leave it up to me , so I try to do the right thing for both of us and I think my track record has proved that I suck at it . So , for once , just tell me what you want . " After a long pause , he finally spoke . " You asked me - if we go ahead with this - what kind of marriage I want . " He looked up from his hands and met her eyes briefly before looking away again . " I want you to trust me . I want … " He hesitated . " I want to come home to something that 's separate from my … job . I want to listen to you ramble about your art , about the people you saw that day … so I don 't have to think about the things I do when I 'm not with you . " He felt the bed dip as she settled next to him . " I want you to trust me , " she murmured . " And I want to trust you . I want you to listen to me ramble on about a problem and then say something that 's so simple , it seems to solve all my problems at once . I want to stop pretending to be someone I 'm not . " " I know , " she responded with a small smile . " Which always confused me . " She reached for his hand and laced their fingers together . " If we 're going to do this , Jason , I want us to be honest with each other . Like we used to be . I don 't want to always be afraid or worrying about protecting myself . " Jason stood then , and drew her to her feet as well . He reached into his pocket and drew out a small velvet bag . " I - I bought rings for today , " he told her , pulling the string to loosen the bag . " I was just going to buy the set , but - " " Yes . " She laughed then and nipped at his mouth . " Let me redo my makeup and I 'll meet you out there . " Elizabeth drew back , the shadows lifted from her expression . " Go before Sonny sends in a search party . " " I think I have untapped talents , " he replied , escorting her to the bottom of the stairs . " Now , just remember , I have your best interests in mind . " They stepped down from the stairs onto the stone terrace . She could do this . She really could . She met Jason 's eyes and was relieved to see the same tinge of anxiety in them . For all their promises upstairs , there was something about this moment was so terrifying she had trouble breathing properly . Her breath caught at the words and she saw Sonny 's unabashed grin over Jason 's shoulder . Then she looked back at Jason with a hesitant smile . His hands tightened around hers , reassuring her . " Sonny had a very specific vision for today , " Robin said with a good - natured smile . " But he at least let me pick what I wanted to say . Well , he gave me three options . " She reached into her bodice and unfolded a small slip of paper . " We 're all seeking that special person who is right for us , " she began . " But if you 've been through enough relationships , you begin to suspect there 's no right person , just different flavors of wrong . Why is this ? " She glanced up with a smirk at Jason , perhaps in shared memory of their past . Jason just sighed , but didn 't appear to be annoyed , which Elizabeth decided to take it as a good sign . Robin stuck her tongue out at her but forged on . " And it isn 't until you finally run up against your deepest demons , your unsolvable problems - the ones that truly make you who you are - that we 're ready to find a lifelong mate . Only then do you know what you 're looking for . " Elizabeth turned her attention from Robin then to Jason , and in the pit of her stomach , something stopped twisting . She was beginning to understand why Sonny had suggested this particular reading and why Robin had chosen it . Jason 's eyes were on her as well . " You 're looking for the wrong person , " Robin said . " But not just any wrong person : the right wrong person - someone you gaze lovingly upon , and think … " She hesitated , probably for effect . " This is the problem I want to have . " Robin folded the slip of paper and tucked it back in her bodice . " So you guys , go forth and be as wrong as possible . " She took her flowers back and resumed her position at Elizabeth 's side . The justice grinned . " What honest friends you have . " Then he cleared his throat and looked to Jason . " Do you , Jason , take Elizabeth , to be your wife ? Do you promise to love , honor , cherish and protect her , forsaking all others and holding only unto her ? " " What ? " She turned slightly and smiled again . " Oh , yeah . I just … I just saw the view . It 's so beautiful . " Elizabeth turned back to the ocean . " I grew up in Colorado , and even with the lake in Port Charles , I don 't get to the beach much . " She wrapped her arms around herself , her rings catching a reflection from the pool just in front of her . " And I 'm trying to picture you in this house . " Jason shrugged . " Sonny built it . He lived on the island for a while after he left Brenda at the altar . " He stepped towards her , their shoulders brushing . " And after he was done with his place , he did this . I never - I never use it much . " " I didn 't come to this part of the island when I was here a few years ago , " Elizabeth said . She glanced at him . " I had to fake my death during the whole Cassadine nonsense . Sonny offered me a cottage near the resort and casino to keep me out of sight . " " I - " Jason hesitated . " Yeah , I know . " His mouth twisted . " Carly called me to tell me you were dead . Sonny called me later to sort it out . " He didn 't like to think about that , so he said nothing more . " Ah . " Elizabeth pursed her lips . " Well , anyway . I can see Sonny saved the best views for this side of the island . They don 't compare to the resort . " She closed her eyes and tilted her head up as the ocean breeze gently lifted her hair from her bare shoulders . " You - you can come here any time you want . " Jason cleared his throat . " I mean , you can - the jet only takes three hours . " She laughed , the soft sound rippling through the air . " Any time I want , I have a jet at my disposal ? That sounds too good to be true . " " Anything ? " She turned then , with a glint he didn 't quite recognize in her eyes . " You don 't want to put any limitations on that ? " Her hands were sliding down his chest until they reached waistband of his pants . She tugged him forward . " What if what I want , " Elizabeth drawled , " is you ? " " Well , then … " She leaned up on her toes to press her mouth to his , open and soft , then gone before he could respond . " What do you want ? " " I want … " Jason leaned down to capture her lips , his hand at the nape of her neck so she couldn 't escape again . " To be with you . " " You are , " she whispered as his mouth found the skin under her ear , tasted the sweetness . " I want you to take me inside . " He drew away slightly , and she licked her lips . " To your room , " she finished . He lifted her then , bracing his arms at her hips . Her fingertips were light against his temples as their eyes met . Elizabeth leaned down and kissed him . " I want to be in your bed this time . " She drew back , letting her dress float down to her feet . Elizabeth kicked off her heels and reached for him again . When she was underneath him , her pale skin against the dark sheets , he stopped to look at her . Her eyes were wide , her skin flushed , her lips parted . " I don 't want you to walk away tomorrow , " he said , dragging his thumb over her bottom lip . " Look , both of us are going for college scholarships and I know we both need to keep our grades up , " Jason said quickly . " So … let 's just get this project over with . We 'll do the report and then we can just go back to our lives . " He had a point . She needed that scholarship badly . Her parents may be doctors , but her father was a researcher and her mother was pediatrician . Not exactly the Fortune 500 class . " Okay . When do you want to do it ? " " Tonight ? " he suggested . " I can stop by about eight and we can get started . We need to decide on the topic so we can turn it into Murty tomorrow . " " Jason Morgan , " Elizabeth sighed . " We 've got a history report to do and he 'll be here about seven . Can we use the study upstairs ? " " Jason Morgan ? " her mother repeated . " I haven 't seen him around here since last November , " Claire Webber trailed off and exchanged a thoughtful look with her husband . " Honey - " " No , " Elizabeth cut them off . " He 's not the one and … it 's just … it 's not him . " She tucked her hair behind her ears . " I thought you promised you weren 't going to push . " " I know but sweetheart … the boy who is responsible … " Claire shook her head . " You can use the study . Keep an eye on Danielle though - she seemed to be coming down with a cold . " " I 'll go check on her right now . Send Jason to the study when he gets here ? I don 't … " She hesitated . " You know what I mean . " Elizabeth went up into the nursery and leaned over the side of the crib . Danielle - or Dani - was wide awake and she smiled a little . She waved her arms and gurgled . Confused by Elizabeth 's sharp tone , Dani raised her head and let out a protesting wail . " Shh … " Elizabeth soothed . She kissed the top of her head . " Shh … baby , it 's okay . " " Well … I do . " Elizabeth stood and rocked Dani a little more . " Go to the study . It 's the next room over . I need to put her down for the night , okay ? " " Yeah , fine … " Jason glanced at Dani and just before he left the room , his eyes caught a picture on top of the dresser . A smiling Elizabeth in hospital gown . Elizabeth whipped her head around , paling when she saw him near the picture . " Put that down , " she ordered softly . She carefully laid Dani back in the crib and yanked it out of his grasp . " This is none of your business . " " Oh , please , " Elizabeth rolled her eyes . " Don 't be so naïve . You don 't still have him on a pedestal do you ? There 's a lot about your friend you don 't know . " " Man … I wish I hadn 't dropped that Webber girl so quickly , " Ric laughed , uncapping another beer . " She was a wildcat in the sack , y ' know ? I probably have scratches . " " No shit huh ? " Ric shrugged and gulped half of the bottle at once . " Well , the clothes were me . I couldn 't wait to get her out of them . You know , she played hard to get - fought me every step of the way but I wore her down . I wore her down . " " She got too clingy . Saying anything to keep me around , you know ? Wouldn 't put it past her to fake a kid or something . Too much drama . Give me another one . " " He all but told me he did it , " Jason said quietly . He took a step back . " He said you fought him every step of the way but I just … I thought he meant that first three months . " Elizabeth sighed and slowly placed the picture back on the dresser . " I thought he was just joking most of the time . He seemed like such a good guy . And then he was even helping me with my chemistry that night . " " He got angry with me … told me that you were his friend not mine . That if he dropped me that night , no one would even talk to me on Monday . I was just a nobody until he picked me from a crowd … I thought he just having a bad night so I wanted to leave . " Her hands gripped the edge of the dresser . " He told me that he could do anything to me and no one would believe me . " " I tried to leave but he got to the door before I could get out . He slammed it shut and grabbed me . He kissed me a - and I tried to push him away but he 's stronger a - and I couldn 't . He pushed me on the couch and he tore my shirt . I kicked him and I think that just made him madder and then the next time he kissed me , I bit his lip hard so he hit me . " Her voice caught . " I tried to stop him but I couldn 't … and when it was over , I just … curled up in a ball and started to cry . " " Would you have believed me if Ric hadn 't called ? " Elizabeth asked pointedly . " Would have occurred to you that your best friend in the whole world was a rapist ? " she demanded . " He was setting me up the whole time , " Jason protested . " He told me a lot of things that probably weren 't true . That you liked to party . That you looked innocent but were wild . He was surprised that you were holding out but he knew it was just a matter of time . And … I believed him because he 's never had a problem before - " Jason hesitated . " A lot of his ex - girlfriends don 't talk to him anymore but I just … girls are like that . My exes don 't really talk to me either . " " Look … it 's over . It 's in the past . It doesn 't matter anymore . Let 's just do this stupid project and we can go back to our lives . Just like you said . " " Wait a second … why didn 't you ever go to the authorities about Ric ? " Jason demanded . " Why didn 't your parents make you ? " " Because I never told them I was raped ! " she hissed . " They don 't know who the father is . And I 'm not telling them . I told Ric and he laughed in my face . So I just … I don 't tell anyone I 've got a baby . Please don 't tell anyone , " Elizabeth pleaded . She rushed past her parents and their surprised guests . Jason was getting into his car . She threw herself into the passenger seat just as he started the engine . " Jason , please don 't do this . " " Look … I won 't … . I won 't say anything about you , okay ? " Jason promised . " You just stay in the car or go back in the house . But he used me to rape you . And who knows how many other girls he hurt . It makes me sick and I 'm not letting him get away with it . " Elizabeth let out a relieved breath and sat back against the seat , closing her eyes . " Look , I know why you 're angry and I don 't blame you . But you have to promise me that you 're not going to say anything to anyone , okay ? " " Okay … then just … do your best to keep me out of it . I don 't want him anywhere near Dani . So just don 't bring her up , don 't say anything about me . " " I won 't . " Jason looked over at her . " I 'm sorry . For not believing you , for turning you away last year … I should have known better . I wish … " he hesitated . " I wish I could have been there for you . " " It 's too late for regrets . " She sighed . " I know why you didn 't believe me but it doesn 't mean it didn 't - and still doesn 't - hurt . Can we just go back to my house and do this project ? " Ric shrugged and shifted the car into gear , pulling it out of the parking spot and heading for the street entrance of the high school . " Don 't know . Grab a burger ? See a movie ? Depends if we win . What 're you up for ? " " Come on , Liz . It 's been three months . How much longer are you going to hold on to that virginity deal ? " Ric demanded . He steered the car onto her street and stopped at a traffic light . " Until I 'm ready , " Elizabeth said , defensively . She tugged her book bag into her lap . " We 've been having this discussion since our fifth date . I 'm seventeen years old and I am not going to just have sex with every guy I date , okay ? " " Whatever . Look , we don 't have to do anything tonight , " Ric sighed . " You 're having trouble in chemistry right ? We 'll look over this week 's stuff . Is that okay ? " Yeah , sure . " As soon as he pulled up to her house , she pushed the car door open and practically ran up the path to her house . She was so sick of having this argument with him . " What makes you think she 's gonna go for you tonight when she 's turned you down for three months ? " Jason asked . " And what 's the big deal ? She 's a great girl - sex shouldn 't be the end all thing between you . " " What am I gonna do with someone who won 't put out ? " Ric demanded . " There are plenty of girls out there - I don 't need Elizabeth Webber . " " Then leave her alone , " Jason advised . " She 's turned you down for three straight months . She 's not going to give in tonight . " Elizabeth wrinkled her nose . " Gee … thanks for the support . " She folded her homework papers and stuffed them into the book . " Jason was helping me in study hall this week and it seemed to make sense then . You 'd think he 'd tutor me ? " Elizabeth shrugged and stood to put her things back in her bag . " He 's a good guy . I 'm glad I got a chance to become friends with him this year . " " He 's not your friend , Elizabeth , " Ric remarked . He stood and grabbed her elbow , startling her . " He 's mine . He 's only nice to you because he wants to nail you . " " He 's my friend , Elizabeth . All the people you think are your friends are mine , " Ric retorted . " If I dropped you right now , not one of those people would give you a second glance on Monday morning . " " Really ? " Ric shook his head . " You know better , Elizabeth . Until I picked you out of a crowd , you were nothing . Nobody . Just another chick destined to be unmemorable . " She stepped away from him . " Ric … I don 't know what 's gotten into you but I think I 'd better go home . I don 't really like you right now - " " Oh you don 't like me right now … " Ric chuckled . " Elizabeth … you 're not getting the concept here . Without me … you 're just another geek from the school newspaper . I could do anythingto you and no one would believe you . " A little disturbed now , Elizabeth reached for her bag and slowly started to back up . " Ric … I 'm gonna leave now , okay ? We 'll … " she hesitated and swallowed hard . " I 'll call you tomorrow and we can talk a - about this . " Jason frowned and glanced at his wrist watch . " It 's nearly three in the morning - " He couldn 't help but grin . " How the hell did you manage to talk her into it ? " " Charm , Morgan , charm . Look … she was mad when she left though … I had to kick her out - didn 't want my parents to see her when they get home tomorrow . She was pissed , so she 's probably gonna call you and bitch about me . " " Yeah … I know what to expect now , " Jason laughed . " You treat girls great until you sleep with them . And then they hate your guts . I 'm beginning to think it 's something you 're doing . " He pulled that door open and Elizabeth all but fell through it , sobbing . Alarmed , he caught her before she hit the ground and he hoisted her up . " Jesus , Elizabeth ! " " J - Jason , " Elizabeth chattered . She clung to him , her eye - make up smeared from her tears , her shirt torn on one side from the shoulder to the wrist . She was trembling violently and Jason could smell some alcohol on her . " Where were you ? " he demanded , helping to one of the porch chairs . He sat her down and kneeled in front of her . " Did something happen to you on the way home from Ric 's ? " Elizabeth crossed her arms tightly and shook her head . " N - no - " she hesitated and took a deep breath . " How 'd you know I was at Ric 's ? " She stared at him . " R - ric called you ? " she asked a little disconcerted . She let her hands drop to her lap , trying to tuck the torn side of her skirt underneath herself . " Yeah … to tell me … " Jason flushed . " Well … that doesn 't matter . He said you were mad at him … did you go somewhere ? Meet up with someone ? " he leaned forward and took a little whiff of her scent . " Were you drinking ? " She stared at him , her glazed over . " You don 't get it do you ? It 's not even … " she glanced down at herself and looked back at him . " I can 't help you if you don 't tell me what happened , " Jason told her . He took her hands in his . " What ever it is … we can deal with it , okay ? I 'll do whatever you need . " She nodded . " I … was at Ric 's a - and we were fighting . And I tried to leave b - but he wouldn 't let - " her voice broke and she cast her eyes away . " He wouldn 't let me , " she finished in a hushed tone . Confused , Jason shrugged . " That you 'd slept together but he made you leave so his parents wouldn 't catch you . You were mad - " he narrowed his eyes . " What are you trying to insinuate here , Elizabeth ? " " Insinuate ? " Elizabeth repeated , mystified . " That son of bitch raped me and then poured whiskey on me so people would think I 'd been drinking ! " she shrieked . Jason stood . " Look , I think you 're a nice girl and everything but I 'm not going to sit her and you let you tell lies like this about my best friend . You got a problem with Ric ? Take it up with him . Don 't get me in the middle of this . " " Lies ? " Elizabeth shakily got to her feet and held her arms up . " D - do you think I did this to myself to get back at him ? " she asked , horrified . " Elizabeth , Ric 's been my best friend since we were kids . Do you really think I 'm gonna believe someone I 've know for three months over him ? " Jason demanded . He took a deep breath and looked down to block out the sight of her torn clothes and tear - stained face . Blocked out the scratches on her arms and the shaking of her hands . Ric had told her ages ago that while she looked innocent , Elizabeth liked to party . It wasn 't hard to believe that she and Ric had had a fight , she 'd found someone else and he 'd beaten her up pretty bad . And who was Jason supposed to believe ? His best friend or a girl he helped out with chemistry sometimes ? " I 'm not going to tell Ric what you said and maybe you 'll think better of this in the morning . " He touched her shoulder but she jerked away from his touch . " If you ever want to talk about what really happened tonight … "
|
Things I Never Thought to Say I 'd Never Say Posted on April 25 , 2017May 23 , 2017 by ebigley Do you remember when you were young ? There was a big list of things your parents said to you . They got under your skin so much that you promised yourself you 'd never say them to your own children ! But , eventually , when you got older and you had children of your own , you found you may or may not have been able to follow through with those promises . This is just a partial list of things that I promised my future children I would never say . I can say with all honesty today , that every single one of those phrases has escaped from my mommy lips . But , far more disturbing is a different list of phrases that I started collecting through my parenting experiences on a farm . I say a lot of things in response to situations I never thought would come up … I can 't make this stuff up ! Some are funny , some are sad . Some will leave you scratching your head . How on earth did that situation arise ? ? ? Well , I 'm not sure ! But , here it is … my list of things I never thought to say I 'd never say . chickens in the first place , I thought he 'd start off with just a few . But , he brought home 25 ! Twenty - five . That was a lot of chickens to me ! Looking back on it now , I realize it wasn 't really very many at all . I 'm not really even sure how many we have at the moment , but it 's enough to fill three coops ! When Bear was almost 2 years old , she announced to me one day that she wanted ham for lunch . Like any sensible mother , I pulled some ham out of the fridge and made some for her for lunch . It turns out , whatever ham was , it was not , in fact , ham … at least not what everyone in the adult world called ham . Bear was mad ! She looked up at me with that angry face ( you know , the one you try not to laugh at because it 's so cute ) every toddler has , and shoved that bowl away from her and yelled , " No ! Want Ham ! ! " Then , she proceeded to feed her lunch to the dogs . Sometimes , our dear , sweet children come up with names for things that make absolutely no sense . " Ham " was one of these instances . It took us weeks to figure out what she meant . We tried all sorts of pointing games with objects in our refrigerator and pantry , but nothing seemed to be " ham " . Finally , we were out at the grocery store , and happened to go down the baby foods aisle . Bear started going crazy in the cart , pointing and shrieking " Ham ! Ham ! Ham ! " It turns out , the infamous " ham " was actually those little freeze - dried yogurt toddler snacks . Who knew ? When we first moved out here , it took a while to get all of our fences in perfect working order . Our first pair of cattle were a Holstein bull and heifer . Occasionally , my husband would let them out to mow down the grass out in front of the barn , but usually only when he was at home . Unfortunately , they got the idea that it was perfectly acceptable for them to go out on their own any time they wished . One day , Bear and I were outside playing , and I started hearing odd noises coming from our garage . I looked up , and low and behold , there was a heifer in the garage . There were lots of interesting things to investigate in the garage , and she had no desire to leave and go back into the pasture . She was resisting my small repertoire of methods . So , I called my husband at work for his recommendations . Eventually , she wound up getting bored and backing out of the garage on her own . At that point , she gladly followed a bucket of feed back to the pasture gate . The next day , my husband had not had time to fix up the fence where she got out , but he did put up some 2 × 4 boards across the front of the garage so that if she decided to wander again , at least she would stay out of the garage . It didn 't work . She plowed right through them the next day , completely undeterred . Then she got stuck and couldn 't figure out how to back out of the garage . When she stepped on the boards she had knocked down , they felt funny under her feet and she didn 't know how to get by them . Sigh . I wasn 't about to go move the boards from under a 1500 pound cow ( er … heifer ) ! Eventually , she was able to back out of the garage on her own , and she followed the feed bucket back to the pasture again . them out to graze on the grass in front of the barn , the bull was always very interested in the section of the barn where Andrew kept the feed ( imagine that ! ) . He got chased out of the barn so many times , I couldn 't even begin to count . One day , he had found his way into the barn and knocked over the feed can . Of course , as a large , 2000 pound animal , he was silent and invisible in his persuits … in his mind , anyway . He looked over his shoulder just as Andrew came around the corner to chase him out of the barn ( again ) . He backed out of the barn , just a little , and faced straight forward , refusing to even look at Andrew . The bull started licking a bush that was growing right next to the side of the barn . Then , he looked at Andrew as if to say , " I 'm just lickin ' the bush , boss ! I 'm just lickin ' the bush ! " These two cattle are where one of Andrew 's favorite farm catch - phrases came from : " There are few things in life more obnoxious than well - fed cattle ! " I like dogs . I 've always liked dogs . When I was younger , I figured that when I grew up , I 'd have a farm with just dogs running around everywhere . That 's why it came as a surprise to me when my husband started talking about getting another dog that I told him we didn 't need one . But , by this point , I figured there were enough animals around . We had just lost Blaze . But we still had Trinity . We had cattle , we had chickens . We had two small children with a third due any day . Getting any new dogs raised and trained was going to fall mostly on me , because , well , I was the one who was at home the most . I didn 't feel up to the task … especially with a newborn coming ! My husband and I went back and forth about the issue for a few weeks , during which time Monkey was born . Then , one cold day , while Andrew was home over Christmas break , he was working on putting in a gate between the two sides of the pasture , and he had a little accident involving our bull . I was on the phone with my mom . The kids were napping . Andrew came up to the porch , all muddy and gasping for air . I knew he 'd been out in the pasture … and it was obvious that something was very , very wrong . He just kept coughing and gasping . He couldn 't even talk to me and tell me what was going on . Well , he had , in fact , been run over by the bull . You see , our bull at the time had previously been a roping calf . He liked to play . That was not a big deal when Blaze had been out in the pasture every time my husband went out there , because Blaze played with him . Unfortunately , when a 2 thousand pound animal decides to play with a 200 pound man , things don 't always go so well for the 200 pound man … especially when there 's no fast - moving dog to distract the 2 thousand pound animal ! This is Texas , folks ! A frozen well is just not something we have to deal with here . But , in early 2011 , not even a year after we had moved into our new farm house , when Lizard was just a couple of months old , we had a cold snap . It lasted several days . The highs only made it up into the middle teens . It was cold ! A gas drilling company had provided our property with a nice , deep water well . However , they had left nothing to protect it . The previous owners of our property had put up a little lean - to around the pump . But , one of the walls ( we found out ) was merely a blanket . Fortunately , we knew the weather was about to get pretty nasty . We were having an electrical problem with one of the switches to start with . Water service to the house had become a bit sketchy . I took advantage of a day - long break between two Dallas snow storms and took the girls up to visit my parents for a few days . Andrew called the next day to tell me that everything was frozen … including the well . He was without water pretty much the whole time we were gone . Every day he made the trek up to the well house to make improvements so that it wouldn 't happen again . He fixed up the well , and it hasn 't frozen since . Thank goodness for handy husbands who are willing to work in the freezing weather ! The girls and I came home once everything thawed out . Bear did have a lot of fun on that emergency trip to Dallas , though . It snowed . Not just a little Dallas snow like we always got there when I was a kid . She got 8 inches of snow to play in ! Lucky girl ! These things are enough excitement to last for years to a Texan . No stranger a phrase has ever crossed a mother 's lips ! Yet , it 's one that has come out of mine more than once . The first time I said it , Lizard was about 2 years old . Andrew had spent all morning picking vegetables in the gardens . There were buckets and buckets of squash that had been loaded onto the trailer . There were cucumbers , and turnips . And , there were green beans . Not just a dinner 's worth of green beans . Andrew uses 5 gallon buckets to hold the green beans as he picks them . That particular week , there were 3 or 4 buckets full of green beans . Andrew gave each of the girls a green bean . Bear ate hers , but she wasn 't particularly excited about it . Lizard was a different story . She ate her green bean , and then asked for another one . Then another , then another and another . Finally , Andrew got tired of getting her green beans . He told her that she could have as many green beans as she wanted as long as she ate them . We didn 't want them going to waste . She ate green beans all afternoon . Finally , a couple of hours before dinner , Lizard was still going back and forth to the green bean bucket that Andrew had left on the front porch for her . I called out to her , " You 've eaten enough green beans ! You 're going to ruin your dinner ! " Andrew looked at me like I 'd grown a third head , and said , " Really ? " " You 're worried about green beans ? Green beans . We 're having fried chicken for dinner . You 're worried that she won 't eat her fried food because she 's eaten too many vegetables ? ? ? " Well , he had a point . We 've laughed about that afternoon many times since it happened . The events have repeated themselves several times since then . It 's not always with green beans , sometimes it 's with peas or carrots , or something else pulled fresh from the garden . Now , it 's a phrase I use jokingly , because , let 's face it , who can complain about kids who eat their vegetables ? This is another one that sadly , I 've had to say more than once . We have a pond in our front yard . I 'm not sure why the previous owners of this property decided to put a pond in the front yard , but they did . Asking why the previous owners did anything around here is a forbidden question … but that 's another topic for another post . Anyway , since there 's a pond in the front yard , reptiles and amphibians are plentiful . It 's a nightly ritual around here for Andrew to go catch a frog or a toad or a lizard at bedtime . Why bedtime ? I have no idea . But , that 's the procedure around here , and who am I to demand that it change ? Anyway , we generally have some sort of reptile or amphibian find its way into the house every evening . Every once in a while , Andrew will let one of the kids hold it . Inevitably , it gets away , usually in one of the bathrooms . One day , several years ago , Trinity killed a duck . It was very sad . It was the female of a pair of ducks that often swam on our pond . The male flew away , never to return . As it turned out , they had made their nest in the brush along the fence line close to the pond . We pulled out the eggs , and put them in our incubator that was normally used for chicken eggs . Of course , we had no idea what we were doing , but we thought we 'd give it a try . There were several eggs , but only one hatched . We put it in the brooder box to keep it warm . One day , after it had started getting its feathers , Andrew decided it was time for that little duck to learn how to swim . Bear just happened to be playing in the wading pool that afternoon . It looked like the perfect place for that little duck to learn ! So , Bear played in the pool with a duck . The duck also took swimming lessons in the cows ' water buckets upon occasion . I 'm still not exactly sure why , but one day , Andrew decided the duck should visit Bear inside the house . So he brought the duck in . Bear was playing in her room , so the duck came to play as well . Of course , as one might expect , the duck didn 't have very good manners , and soon pooped on the carpet . I was a little irritated , to say the least , and said " Why is there a duckling in my daughter 's bedroom ? It just pooped on the floor ! " Andrew started laughing and said , " I don 't know why I didn 't think of that possibility ! I 'll take it back outside . " Not every kid can say they 've had a duck in their room . Unfortunately , the duck did not have a happy ending . The rest of the story involves a raccoon , so I 'm pretty sure you can guess what happened . But , it was fun to have a baby duck around . 11 . " Why did you trap your sister in a box ? Oh , of course … because it made her laugh ! " Bear had a big plastic bin that ( occasionally ) held her mega blocks . But , it was much more fun to dump out all of the blocks on the floor and get inside the box . It was even more fun to put her sister in the box . Fortunately , Lizard also thought it was fun , leading to much giggling ! A picture is worth a thousand words . This is another one that has come out of my mouth more than once . Every time Andrew kills a snake that he finds impressive , he brings it into the house . Usually it 's a particularly large copperhead that he brings to the house for educational purposes . Sometimes , he wants to show me how many eggs a rat snake has stolen ( you can count the bumps to find your eggs ) . Whatever the case , it 's a snake , in my house ! I don 't really care if it 's dead . I don 't want wildlife in my house ! Especially when it 's dripping blood on the floor . Call me crazy … It was just after Thanksgiving . I had caught a stomach bug up in Dallas where we had visited family for the holiday . I was sick all Thanksgiving Day . It was miserable , but I was over it in 24 hours . We came home the day after Thanksgiving as usual . Lizard was mostly done potty training , but still had the occasional accident . Monkey was starting to learn how to use the potty ( because he was interested ) , but since he was barely over a year old , we weren 't doing any intensive training yet . While we were gone , Andrew bought a puppy … it was Patch . Trinity got bit by a snake as we were coming home . It was a great trip … really . The next day went fine . Everyone was happy to be back home . We played outside most of the day . There was a new puppy to play with . It looked like Trinity was going to survive the snake bite . Christmas was coming soon . Life was good ! Then came the evening . One of the kids mentioned that their tummy hurt a little . No one ate very well . We got everyone washed and into bed early , hoping that the dreaded stomach bug would pass us by . It didn 't . It started in the middle of the night … it always does , doesn 't it ? We had a washer load or two of sheets and blankets by morning . I knew it was going to be bad . But , since I had already had it , I figured it would only last about 24 hours … just like it had for me . Boy , was I wrong ! On Monday , I figured we were pretty much at the end of it , and Andrew went off to work as usual . Two of the kids stomach bugs progressed from the top side , to the bottom . The other was still working on the top . Lizard had completely forgotten all about using the potty , as had Monkey . And , there was a puppy in the house who still didn 't know to put her waste products outside . Not to mention an old , grumpy Trinity who was very upset about the puppy 's existence . Andrew called around 10 that morning to check on us . All I had to say was , " There are bodily fluids flying around everywhere ! " Everyone did finally recover , though it took about 2 weeks for the kids … a far cry from my 1 day bug . Once we were able to concentrate on training Patch , she caught on to the outside thing very quickly . And , all those flying fluids finally dried up . Now that was something to be thankful for ! This is another one I never had on my radar as a possible danger ( see number 1 ) . I never thought I would need to worry about pigs . But , a couple years ago , the deer hunting was bad … very bad . Andrew was afraid we wouldn 't have enough meat set back in the freezer . So , he decided that he wanted to buy a couple of pigs . But , it seemed to me that we wouldn 't have anywhere to put 2 pigs . Not surprisingly , Andrew quickly found a place . The pigs have been a great amusement for the kids . They always enjoy feeding apple cores to the pigs . We just put our second set in the freezer , which is always a little sad , but they are yummy ! There will be another set soon in our future , I assume . 15 . " Get that chicken foot out of my house ! ! ! " Yes , you read that right . When Andrew slaughters chickens , the dogs really enjoy playing keep away with each other using the chicken feet . It 's kinda yucky ! Once , the kids had come out of the house during this game , and of course , they left the front door open . In runs Midnight , with a chicken foot in his mouth to find a special place to hide it . Fortunately , he had to run right past me to get inside . As he ran through the door , I yelled , " Get that chicken foot out of my house ! ! " He did . Andrew started laughing , and he said , " You 're going to have to add that one to your list ! " So I did , and now you 're lucky enough to have read all about it ! Posted in Farm Life , KidsTagged Farm Life , Kids , Memories , Parenting16 Comments Granddad Posted on April 14 , 2017April 19 , 2017 by ebigley My granddad died on March 27th … one day before his 87th birthday . The emotional roller coaster that I 've been riding for the past month and a half is almost unbearable . I 've gone from the incredible joy of the birth of a new baby , to the grief that can only be felt when you lose someone you love dearly . I loved my granddad dearly . He was a great man , who 's joy for the simple things in life was infectious . He left behind a wife , two sons , three grandchildren , and five great - grandchildren . Granddad touched countless lives . We knew the end was coming for a little over a year , and for him , I 'm sure death was a great release . I know he hurt so badly , and that is over for him now . For that I am grateful . I have so many fond memories of Granddad . He helped to raise me . I spent countless hours with him and my grandmother growing up . They only lived a couple of miles away . Granddad and I would go down into the creek behind their house . We spent hours exploring up and down that creek . We would find interesting " artifacts " in the mud and silt . He would tell all kinds of stories . During our explorations , we would play all kinds of pretend games . One of our favorites was for me to pretend to be a teenage girl , and Granddad would pretend to be my little brother . He would get into all sorts of mischief in our games . It was my job to keep him out of trouble ! The big sister / little brother game was a common one with us . We didn 't just play it while exploring the creek . We would also play on our long bike rides . Granddad would ride bikes with me farther than anyone else . He would take me clear up to the main road . He would ride with me down to the elementary school a couple of miles away , so that I could play on the playground ( and he could take a rest ) . Every once in a while , he would stop to point out something interesting that he had seen while we were riding . Granddad was a master storyteller . He had a way of telling stories that made you feel like you were really there . He could tell a funny story about the trouble he and his brother got into while they were growing up , and by the time he got done , it was as if you had been there too , right along with them . I can still remember the suspense and fear I felt when he told me a story about the time his brother dared him to stick his tongue to a frozen train track during a Missouri winter . They didn 't believe a tongue would actually stick to the metal . So , Granddad 's brother dared Granddad to try it . As it turns out , tongues do stick to frozen train tracks . And then they heard the train whistle . The way Granddad told the story , I 'm sure he managed to peel his tongue off the track mere seconds before the train came speeding along the track , with my granddad and his brother barely escaping certain death … or at least tongue amputation . I can still remember , as a small child , when I would ride anywhere in a car with Granddad , he would tell me stories about the road lice . Now , you may not know it , but nearly all roads have road lice . You can tell , because of all the little bumps . Most people think they are there to separate the different lanes of traffic . But Granddad knew the truth . Those bumps in between the lanes were actually road louse houses . He would have me staring at those little bumps throughout the entirety of a long road trip , desperately trying to spot a road louse . Of course , I didn 't know what they looked like … and according to Granddad , they were very shy creatures . After all , wouldn 't you be scared to come out of your house if cars ran over it all the time ? I sure wish I had his talent for keeping kids entertained in the car ! With five kids of my own now , that kind of talent would really come in handy ! Along with his talent for storytelling , Granddad had another great talent . My granddad could whistle . It wasn 't just any whistle . He had his own very special whistle . I could tell his whistle apart from anyone else 's . It had a very unique sound . Granddad was always whistling . He whistled any tune that came into his head . But , I most often remember hearing him whistle The Battle Hymn of the Republic . Not a song you 'd typically hear whistled ! Now , every once in a while , he would sing it … rather badly ! His rendition was very loud , and always overly dramatic . He enjoyed my pained reaction . But , the sound of his whistle is something I will never forget . Granddad also had a couple of great culinary passions : popcorn , and ice cream floats . He had a special pan that he used to cook popcorn on the stove . The bottom of it looked like a typical sauce pan . But , the top had a lid that attached to the handle . On the end of the handle was a crank that turned a mechanism in the bottom of the pan that kept the kernels moving . It looked a lot like this one . I thought it was so awesome when he made popcorn . He would let me pour the popcorn into the pan , AND turn the handle while it popped ! My mom never let me play at the stove … but Granddad did . Of course , he was standing with me the whole time making sure I wouldn 't burn myself . Now , the ice cream float went perfectly with a popcorn snack . Granddad liked root beer in his . But I was never a fan of root beer . So , he would make a Coke float for me . The ice cream had to be Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla . We were in Texas , after all ! When I got a little bit older , Grandmother and Granddad took me with them on a number of vacations . I spent weeks every summer , travelling to some exotic location . They took me on a road trip to Washington D . C . ( Remember the road louse houses ? He even managed to get a teenage me to search for them ! ) . We went to England , three different times . I even joined them for one week out of their three week 50th anniversary trip to Hawaii . They probably would have asked me to join them for all three weeks , but the first two weeks were during dead week and finals during my first semester of my junior year in college . Driving in England with Granddad was always an adventure . Of course , to us Americans , the British drive on the wrong side of the road ! On our first trip to England , on the very first day , we were driving from Gatwick airport to our first temporary residence . We were all tired and jet lagged . Granddad started veering off the road , and knocked the headlight and side mirror off our rental car . That woke us up ! Then , after we got off the M road ( I can 't remember which number it was ) , Granddad went to turn on our next road , and of course , turned onto the wrong side of the road ! More excitement ! He finally got it figured out around the time we were about to leave to come back to the US after 3 weeks each time . But , we always had fun . We stayed lost a lot , since Grandmother was the navigator … but that 's a story for another day ! I could tell a million more stories about my granddad . But , I 'll save some for another time . I have many , many happy memories of this man . He will certainly be missed . I am sad . But , I also know that I have hope . Hope because we will meet again … free from pain , and free from the confusion and haze of dementia . So , until that time , I will have to be content to remember . I will remember all the time I had to spend with him . I will remember how blessed I have been to have had my granddad in my life . The next morning , Andrew and I were up by 5 am . Andrew went out to take care of the animals , which had to be done before we could leave . I showered and dressed . Then , I cooked some eggs and toast for breakfast . Andrew came back into the house as I was sitting down to eat my breakfast . He started washing eggs . " We have another errand to run before the induction . " he told me . We already had one errand to run before heading to the hospital . Andrew and the kids had picked all the carrots , and they needed to be taken to the food pantry in town . Tuesdays are the big distribution day , so , that 's the day Andrew always drops off any fresh produce he has to donate . Now , apparently , there was a second errand . " Ugh . Really ? ! ? Opossums smell so bad , and we 're already running late . Can 't you just let Midnight have it ? He 'd have so much fun . Then we wouldn 't have to worry about it ! " Midnight has some sort of problem with opossums . We don 't know why , but he harbors a serious grudge against these little critters . Of course , Andrew knew I wasn 't serious … at least , not completely serious . Well , maybe I was serious , but I knew he 'd say no . Opossums are actually beneficial creatures to have around … just not if they 're stealing dog food . Andrew laughed , " No , we can 't give it to Midnight ! That wouldn 't be right . I don 't want to kill it … I just want it someplace it won 't steal our dog food . " So it was that we had to find a spot down our little road where we could perform the " release " portion of my husband 's " catch and release " opossum program before the birth of our fifth baby . Only in my life do these things happen ! This was already shaping up to be a unique story . But , I had no idea how much drama was yet to come . After all of our pre - induction stops , we finally made it to the hospital , but we were a little bit late . The nurse was ready and waiting on us . She handed me my stylish gown to wear during labor . I got changed , then into the bed I climbed . The nurse hooked me up to the monitors . When she finished , she put in my IV to start my first dose of antibiotics . I was Group B Strep positive , so I had to have at least two doses of these IV antibiotics at least four hours apart . Now , my doctor and I have played this game before ( I 've been GBS positive with my last 3 pregnancies ) . I have a history of fairly fast labors . My second baby only took 5 hours to make her appearance . The boys took right around 4 hours each … one was a little more , one was a little less . We planned to have one dose complete , and the second dose at least started before my doctor even began the induction . So , I knew I had a few hours to wait around while the antibiotics were going . Meanwhile , our baby had decided to play a game of her own called " run away from the pesky monitor " . Every time the nurse found the heartbeat , Baby would run away again . The nurse decided , in a bit of arrogance , that Baby would be in a certain place . Clearly , Baby was not there . But , despite the evidence , the nurse refused to try the monitor anywhere else . This , of course , let to much annoyance for her , and constant interruptions to us , since she was continually having to come in to readjust the monitor . The reasons many people seek to avoid continuous fetal monitoring were about to become more obvious . Soon after I was all wired in , the monitors showed that the baby 's heart rate had dropped significantly . I was having some mild contractions , but I couldn 't even feel them . Remember , nothing had been done yet to start the induction . The contractions I was having were just the same Braxton - Hicks contractions I 'd been having for months . We were even still waiting to start the antibiotics . Our nurse came in , and started trying to find the baby 's heart rate … again . She didn 't seem too worried , at first . But then , when she did find it , it was only 50 beats per minute … far too slow ! That started a panic . My nurse patted me on the arm and said , " Looks like you 're gettin ' a c - section , Honey ! " She put the oxygen on me and had me rolling back and forth , trying to get the baby back into a good position . There were nurses flying around the room , and the hospital staff OB came in . Everyone in the room seemed ready to whisk me off to the OR for an emergency c - section . Andrew and I are still trying to decide if the drop in heart rate was real , or if it was an artifact of an arrogant nurse and an ill - placed monitor . Whatever the case , we were scared ! We were praying like we 'd never prayed before that our sweet baby would make it into this world . By the time my doctor arrived a few minutes later , the baby 's heart rate was back to normal . He looked at the tape from the monitor , and decided it had nothing to do with the mild contraction in question . The drop had started before the contraction had started . The baby 's heart rate had been just fine up until that point , and by that time , it was strong and steady again . There was no reason to rush off into surgery . The best course of action , he believed , would be to continue monitoring for a few hours . If everything continued to be fine , we would start the induction as planned . However , if it happened again , we would need to consider a c - section . He seemed to think it was necessary to talk us out of surgery . I had never been more thankful for a non - reactionary doctor with a steady head on his shoulders ! We had to wait for the antibiotics anyway , so it wasn 't that big of a deal to wait . But now , we were nervously obsessing over every sound coming out of that monitor . Andrew sat and watched every blip the monitors recorded . Every time I got up to use the rest room , that nurse was back in my room before I even got done to make sure the monitors were hooked back up immediately . All this time , Baby 's heart rate was doing fine . It was nice and strong … 140 when resting , and about 160 when active . But , Baby decided running away from the monitor was no longer entertaining enough . Now , Baby has declared war on the monitor … kicking and punching the spot where the monitor is strapped around my belly . When a contraction would hit while Baby was already wiggling , the fight was on ! Baby 's heart rate would go up to 180 , and the contraction monitor would go crazy with all the kicking it received ! I decided it was safe to say that Baby was handling everything just fine . Around 12 : 45 , the doctor came back in to start on the induction . He had the nurse start a slow dose of Pitocin along with the second dose of antibiotics to make the contractions I was already having get a little stronger and more regular . Baby was still up fairly high ( probably because I had been strapped to a bed all morning ) , and he didn 't want to break my water yet because of the risk of a cord prolapse . So , the nurse started the IV with what she called a " whiff " of Pitocin . The Pitocin drip was so slow that it didn 't do a whole lot . I still wasn 't really feeling the contractions very much . The doctor returned an hour later to break my water . The nurse later informed us that he had broken my water at 1 : 46 pm . That 's when things started to get exciting again . The doctor told us that I should get into active labor within an hour or so . He would be in his office until 3 : 00 . After that , he would be back by to check in and see how things were progressing . He expected , given my past history , to have a baby around 5 or 6 pm . " But , " he tells me , " if you start feeling anything strange , especially if you feel like you need to poop , before then , let the nurse know , and we 'll check on you a little sooner . " He said I could have an epidural any time . We told him I was going to try to go without it this time . He kind of chuckled and said , " Brave woman ! " The contractions became strong and regular very fast . Andrew kept trying to talk to me , and make me laugh . I was already hurting pretty badly , and he was trying to distract me from it . But , I was not in the mood ! At first , I as able to manage a weak smile or two . Then , I just started to ignore him … all I could concentrate on was the contractions and the impending birth of my baby . Eventually , he realized I needed him to be quiet and just be there for me . He stood next to the bed and held my hands through the contractions . About half an hour later , I felt like I couldn 't take it anymore . Now , I had read all about the emotional signposts of labor . I was clearly feeling a lot of self - doubt ( which I knew indicates transition ) , but it had only been half an hour . There was no way I was that far along … I thought . My last two labors had taken right around four hours . In my mind , I still had at least 3 hours before the birth of our baby ! I told Andrew several times that I couldn 't do it . I needed the epidural . He just said , " Yes you can , yes you can . " He was very encouraging , but he was afraid we still had a few hours before birth as well . Andrew proposed a compromise . " The nurse will be back in here soon to check you . Wait until then to see about the epidural . If you aren 't very far along yet , perhaps the epidural would be best . But maybe you 're almost there . If you are , you can do it without one . " I grumpily told him , " You 're just trying to make me wait until it 's too late ! " But , reluctantly , I said , " Fine . I need to pee anyway . Help me get to the restroom . " So , Andrew helped me out of bed and to the restroom . When I got there , I realized that I did not , in fact , need to " pee " ! I told Andrew . He ran to the door to advise the nurse , " She feels like she has to ' go ' ! " The nurse replied , rather nonchalantly , " Okay . I 'll come check her . " Andrew helped me back from the restroom while the nurse took her time getting into my room . We had to stop twice because the contractions were coming so fast . I was much more comfortable taking them while standing and leaning on Andrew . I didn 't want to get back in that bed . As I got to the bed , another contraction hit , and I sank down on my knees while I waited for it to pass . The nurse finally wandered into my room quite lackadaisically . I managed to get back into the bed . None of us really thought I could possibly be very far along yet . It had only been a little over half an hour . But , as she checked , her eyes got as big as saucers . " Ummmm … she 's a 7 and a half , and just stretched to an 8 ! " She practically ran to the door , stuck her head out and called , " She 's an 8 ! " to another nurse at the nurse 's station right outside the door . We heard the other nurse say , " Wow ! That was fast . " Then , she set about preparing my room for imminent delivery . I tried to tell my nurse that it was time for an epidural . She stopped , and looked at me , and said , " Ain 't gonna happen ! There 's not enough time . You 've just got five more contractions . " She resumed running around the room getting everything ready . " NO YOU DON ' T ! " the nurse stated rather emphatically . " If baby comes on its own , fine . But don 't help yet ! Just give me five more contractions . PLEASE ! " She ran to the door of the room , then ran back in . On the next contraction , I told her that I had to push , I couldn 't stop it anymore . The nurse gave me the least helpful advice ever , " Just breathe through it , " she said , " just breathe . Don 't push yet . The doctor isn 't here . " A wave of more panicked nurses flooded into the room . By the next contraction , I was screaming from the effort of trying not to push . The nurses had set off all the blinking lights in the entire hospital . My room was crawling with nurses . The staff OB wandered in again . Apparently no one had time to fill her in , and she was wondering what all the screaming was about . I couldn 't hold back the pushing anymore , my body just took over . It wasn 't physically possible to stop it . I could feel the baby crowning . Birth was imminent . My nurse had her hand on the baby 's head . She practically yelled at the staff OB , " Get your gloves on ! ! ! " Just as the staff OB was reaching for some gloves , my doctor ran into the room , leap - frogging over a couple of nurses who where close to the doorway . The nurse said , " Your gloves are right there . She 's crowning . " They switched places just in time for the next contraction . I finally got to push . The baby 's head was delivered immediately . I started to push again to birth the body , but the shoulders hung up a little . Everyone was a little confused . The doctor realized my legs were still down from trying not to push , and said , " Her legs ! Get her legs up ! " Andrew and the nurse helped me get into the proper position . One more push , and our new daughter was born at 2 : 52 pm … after one hour and six minutes worth of active labor . I held our baby girl on my chest for quite a while . Eventually , Andrew and the nurse took her to the other side of the room to weigh her and clean her off a little . She tipped the scales at 8 pounds , 14 ounces , and she was 21 inches long . Andrew calls her his " itsy bitsy giant . " We asked the doctor , when he made his rounds the next day , how on earth he made it from his office so quickly . We were figuring he must have already been back in the hospital for some reason . But , he gave us a sheepish grin and said , " Lots of unsafe driving ! I didn 't use the brakes much . I set a new record . Apparently , I can make it here from my office in three minutes . " The doctor discharged us that evening . We took our sweet new baby girl home . Her brothers and sisters love their new baby sister already . Her youngest brother may be a little excessively affectionate . He wants to give her kisses every time he sees or hears her . Posted in Kids , Memories , PregnancyTagged Baby , Birth Stories , Breastfeeding , Kids , Life and Death , Memories , Parenting , Pregnancy8 Comments Our Fifth Birth Story : Part 1 Posted on April 3 , 2017April 7 , 2017 by ebigley Well , it 's been a while since I 've posted here . Wondering why ? Well , we welcomed the newest member to our family ! This birth was an interesting journey , and a bit of a wild ride … from the very beginning ! Monday morning , we had an appointment with our doctor for our 40 week check - up . Imagine , for a moment , this scenario : You are heavily pregnant , sitting at the doctor 's office … with you four older , very bored children . It 's the day before your due date , and your blood pressure is starting to run just a little bit high . So , the doctor wants to wire you down for a non - stress test … just to make sure everything was alright with the baby . This is the scenario unfolding for me that morning . Fortunately , my husband had met us there for the appointment . My boys were in rare form that morning … each specializing in the kinds of torture only brothers can provide for one another . They were sitting in the only two regular chairs in the exam room , looking innocent as can be . Soon , Monkey would screech and smack a very still and innocent looking Rhino . Rhino thought it was funny , and started laughing . Monkey was told to leave his brother alone . They quiet down for a couple of minutes . Then , Rhino would screech and smack an innocent looking Monkey . Now it was Monkey 's turn to laugh . They were taking turns poking each other just out of sight of their dad and me , thinking we wouldn 't catch on to their little game . Soon , Bear got into the game . She went and sat between them , under the pretense of helping them to behave themselves . Instead , the two boys both turned on their sister , so instead of poking each other , now they were both poking her . Meanwhile , Lizard was on the doctor 's stool … you know , the kind that 's on wheels with the seat that spins freely . She was propelling herself back and forth across the open section of the exam room while laying across the seat of the stool . The doctor came in to this scene , and fortunately started laughing . He looks at everyone , and said , " Reminds me of my kids . But they 're grown up now . " None of the other kids had ever made it all the way to their due dates . Baby was measuring big , and I was sick of being pregnant . I was ready for this birth ! But , at the previous checks over the past three weeks , my body just wasn 't showing any signs of agreement . We were all getting a little anxious for this baby 's birth … even the doctor ! But today was a different story . I was finally starting to dilate and was about 50 % effaced . The doctor pulled out his phone to decide when to schedule an induction . Andrew and I piped up , asking , " How about tomorrow ? " So , we decided to go ahead and schedule an induction for the following morning . After the appointment , I called my parents to let them know it was time to come down . We only gave them 8 hours notice to get here . But , that 's a lot longer than they would have gotten if I had gone into labor on my own ! They always stay with the bigger kids while Andrew and I are at the hospital for a birth . We were all excited . It was almost time for Baby ! Back when Andrew and I first got married , I was working for a diagnostic lab in the veterinary school at the university in our town . Not too long after we found out Bear was on the way , I was promoted to Laboratory Supervisor . I was responsible for making sure the lab ran smoothly , and making sure our results were dependable . Part of that job included making sure all of our machines were functioning properly , and that any new machines or equipment was set up and running as quickly as possible . I wasn 't bad at my job . I checked through all of our results daily , and made sure all the routine maintenance was done on all of our instruments . All of our chemicals were in stock and up to date . Everything was going fairly smoothly , until one fateful day . The medical director for our lab was excited . We were finally getting our own blood chemistry analyzer . We would finally be able to run our own chemistry panels for our lab 's research section rather than having to pay another lab to run them for us . He was confident we would save hundreds each month . On paper , he was right . The tests would cost mere pennies each with our own machine . He overlooked one important fact . The Hitachi 911 was a top of the line chemistry analyzer … in 1993 . However , when it found its way to our lab in 2008 , it was due for donation to a museum . In fact , the company that originally manufactured it informed me , when I called them for a copy of the service manual , that the Hitachi 911 would be " sunsetted " in 2009 . That meant there would no longer be service parts or support available for this machine . Despite this new knowledge , our esteemed medical director wished to continue with the installation of this prehistoric beast . We would simply get our reagents and any parts we might need from a third party supplier . We scheduled a week for the used equipment dealers from which the machine was purchased to come down from Minnesota to complete the installation and training for this treasured " new " tool . The Hitachi 911 came , packed in a huge shipping crate , a couple of weeks before our appointment . So , it sat in the lab hallway . One day , my husband walked over to eat lunch with me . He saw the big crate in the middle of the hallway , and immediately had a plan for all that wood . Of course , my boss was only too happy to have someone else dispose of the giant crate . Our lab was in the basement of the veterinary college , and the hallways were small . The crate almost completely blocked up the hallway where it was sitting , forcing everyone to take the long way from lab room to lab room . My boss was anxious to get rid of it ! The big installation and training day came . The instrument was unpacked and installed . That afternoon , our training began . This machine had to boot from a floppy disk . Do you remember those ? There was no operating system . I found myself transported back to my early childhood , watching my dad program his big machines to make all sorts of metal doohickeys . It was fairly late in the evening when we finished for the day . I called Andrew to come pick up that shipping crate . It was dark , and we were in the midst of a rare central Texas snowstorm ( and the fact that we were calling it a snowstorm amused our guests from Minnesota greatly ) . Andrew got the crate loaded up in my truck , and we started home . When we got there , he stacked it all up in the garage . Soon after our training , it was time for Bear to come , and I had to go on maternity leave . I was gone for 2 months . When I returned , I found that nothing had been done with the much - anticipated Hitachi 911 while I was gone . It had sat idle for 2 months . So , I started to work on getting it up and running and validated for diagnostic use . Week after week brought setback after setback . Our medical director became impatient . I was working long hours , and all I really wanted to do was be at home with my new baby . I sure didn 't want to spend my days in a futile war with an ancient piece of laboratory equipment ! However , while I was working late , locked in this hopeless battle , my husband was going home on time . He used his free time at home before I got there each evening carefully crafting something new and exciting from all of that wood he had gleaned from the shipping crate in which my arch - nemesis had arrived . The work was slow and tedious . He wanted to make sure that the final product would last for years to come . Four months later , I put in my resignation . I was fed up with that machine . I din 't want to be there , and my husband and I were fairly certain that we could make it work on just one income , if we were very very frugal . My husband made a huge dining room table out of the shipping crate that the Hitachi 911 had come out of just a few months earlier . When he finished putting it together , it barely fit in our dining room in that little house we had it town . It was so big that we couldn 't even reach each other to pass food back and forth . It seemed a little ridiculous back then , for us to have such a large table where there were only the three of us for dinner regularly ( and one of us was a little baby ! ) . But our family would grow ! Today , in our farmhouse , the table fits a little better , though it 's still pretty big . But now , that table is full at dinnertime . There are six of us to sit around it now . In fact , my husband will have to build bench seating in the near future so that the soon to be seven of us will be able to fit ! It has served us well for nearly 9 years now . Posted in DIY , Homemade , MemoriesTagged Dinner , DIY , Homemade , Memories , Parenting5 Comments Where the Pavement Ends Posted on February 13 , 2017February 23 , 2017 by ebigley Many years ago , when I was still in college , my parents took me on what would be one of last vacations together . We were going to Colorado . We drove from our home in Dallas to my grandparents ' house in Odessa to start our journey . It was a long drive we 'd made often together during my childhood . We spent a few days visiting my grandparents before boarding an airplane at the Midland / Odessa airport , bound for Albuquerque , New Mexico . From there , we rented a car to drive to our destination in Colorado . When we arrived in Albuquerque , we spent a few hours visiting some special places in my Dad 's childhood memory from growing up in New Mexico . It was fairly late in the afternoon before we headed out to find our lodging in Colorado . We still had quite a drive ahead of us - over unfamiliar mountain roads , in the dark . My dad did most of the driving . Mom and I took turns dozing . Soon , still driving down a state highway at about 60 miles per hour , we see a sign fly by : Being from Dallas , none of us had encountered this sign often ( though I have seen them many times since ! ) . We had approximately 2 . 5 seconds to contemplate its exact meaning . Then , there was a big jolt , and a loud " thunk " , and we were travelling at 60 miles per hour on a dirt road … a dirt road that was supposed to be a state highway ! My dad slowed the vehicle to a reasonable speed for the new surface . We all started laughing uncontrollably . We 've often looked back on this first part of our trip . It still makes us laugh when we think back on it . It was one of the most memorable parts of that vacation . This incident is a relevant metaphor for life , though . We often cruise through our lives , not paying enough attention to the road ahead of us . Or maybe , we just don 't understand or appreciate what we 're looking at , just like we didn 't understand that warning sign on a mountain road all those years ago . Then , along comes that sudden jolt and " thunk " to jar us back to our senses . It forces us to slow down to truly spend time with and depend on those around us . Sometimes , these jolts can be painful . Maybe it 's a sudden move , or a lost job , or even the death of a loved one . These types of events force us to slow down and appreciate the finer things in life … things we might have missed otherwise . Things like really spending time with our kids , and really listening to what they tell us . Like taking time to enjoy a sunrise and coffee ( or your morning beverage of choice ) with someone you love . Maybe its taking the time to reach out and spend some time with an old friend you haven 't spoken to in years . Since my husband and I were married nearly nine years ago , we 've had many small moments where the pavement suddenly ended … and a few big moments too . One of the biggest was when we made the decision to move out of town to a farm that was an hour away from anything … a place where the pavement quite literally ended ! Our whole lives changed when we made that decision . We were expecting Lizard at the time , and my hands were full with an 18 month old Bear . I was so sick , and there was so much to be done . But somehow ( mostly because of my husband ) , we made it through . We can 't imagine today how different our lives would have been if we had stayed in town . That life is so far gone that it seems almost like it must have belonged to someone else . We moved out here knowing nothing about what we were doing , and what we know now we 've learned from ourWhen the pavement ends , that 's when life gets interesting . Posted in MemoriesTagged Memories , Metaphors , Travel6 Comments Saying Goodbye - Part Three Posted on February 9 , 2017 by ebigley This is the last post in a three part series about our dog Trinity , who passed away last weekend . If you missed Part One , you can find it here . You can find Part Two here . Even though Trinity really enjoyed living out in the country , I had an economic decision to make . It was just after Hurricanes Katrina and Rita . Gas prices had skyrocketed . Driving back and forth to town every day for class and work became more expensive than the rent I was paying for my room in the house . So , I decided to move back to town . It was back to apartment life for the two of us . Trinity adjusted fairly well . She enjoyed all the walks she got again , though she would have preferred them without the leash . I had graduated from college , then went to work for a lab in my former department . It was there I met my husband , Andrew . Andrew met Trinity on our first date . He was a little surprised … Trinity was a Border Collie mix . He had a Border Collie of his own . Trinity liked Andrew a lot . He would bring his dog Blaze over , or I would take Trinity to his apartment , and we would all walk to the closest park . Andrew and I would fish , and the dogs would gaze longingly at the ducks . They would occasionally hop in the pond for a quick swim ( and a quick duck chase ) . Andrew was also a runner , and he would occasionally take Trinity with him on a run . We went camping , and canoeing , and played frisbee . It was during this time that I started working for a veterinary diagnostic lab at our university . While I was working at this lab , I was able to do a lot of testing for Trinity for free . As a result , we found out that Trinity had a simple deficiency . With vitamin B12 supplementation , her digestive problems that she had dealt with since her poisoning simply went away . She didn 't even have to have special food anymore . Andrew and I eventually decided to get married . We became one big , happy family . Soon , we were expecting our first child . We moved into a small house in town . When we brought Bear home from the hospital , Trinity and Blaze were so excited . They had something new to take care of ! We soon moved to our little farm . Trinity was finally able to return to the farm life , she had enjoyed so much in her younger years , but she was much older this time . Chase was no longer her game of choice . She now preferred to wander around , smelling all the fantastic smells that farm life had to offer . We had three more children . Trinity was amazingly gentle with them all . She enjoyed her life in retirement . Blaze died a few years after we moved out here . He had always helped Andrew with the cattle . After a rather unfortunate and scary incident with the cattle , Andrew and I agreed that he needed a new cow dog … Trinity had absolutely no interest in playing with the cows . She was in retirement , after all ! Along came Midnight and Sandy . Then a year or so later , when neither of them was very good with the cattle either , along came Patch . Trinity eventually learned to accept each new addition … well , when they got bigger than she was , anyway ! Sandy continued to let Trinity boss her around , and Trinity took that responsibility very seriously . Trinity 's experiences with mange that I wrote about in this post would soon come to an end . After the first snake bite , Trinity took to snake hunting . Fortunately , she was only bitten once more a few years later . Though we thought she wasn 't going to make it again , she miraculously pulled through one more time . About three months ago , she started getting sick for the last time . It started with a persistent cough . Sadly , there was a tumor growing larger and larger . It was finally inescapable . The dog who had cheated death so many times was finally dying . We are grateful , in a way , that she was really only seriously uncomfortable for about a day . We didn 't have to make any decision about putting her down . She died during the night , peacefully and on her own terms . She always did do things on her own terms ! Trinity knew a lot of people in her long doggie life . She was a legend . In the end , she was loved by her family … by four small children and their two parents . Her antics will be remembered for years to come . Perhaps , then , she 'll never die after all . One thing is for certain , Trinity will be missed . Posted in Dogs , MemoriesTagged Dogs , Life and Death , MemoriesLeave a comment Saying Goodbye - Part Two Posted on February 7 , 2017February 9 , 2017 by ebigley This is the second in a series of posts to remember the life of our dog , Trinity . She was a dog who escaped death many times . If you missed the first part of this series , you can read it here . And here , you can find another story about one of Trinity 's many scrapes with death . After Trinity 's unfortunate adventure at my parents ' house , we got back to my apartment and got settled in . Eventually , she recovered fully . She still had some digestive issues that stayed with her . I put her on a special hypoallergenic food , and that mostly solved the problem . Otherwise , Trinity was a happy , healthy young dog . She had a happy tail that wagged constantly . It could put a bruise on your leg , or knock your drink off the coffee table ! Sometimes , it was hard to tell who was wagging who ! A year went by . I moved into a house with a couple of friends . Trinity would have a backyard to play in . She would have other dog friends to play with ( once she got used to them , of course ) . She was happy living in that house , and so was I . We 'd take walks around the neighborhood together . We played fetch with Trinity 's toy hedgehog in the backyard . We played chase in the backyard . One day , one of my roommates fried up some venison backstrap . She put the trimmings and scraps in a plastic bag in the trash . Apparently , Trinity couldn 't resist . She got into the trash , ripped open the bag , and ingested the contents . She got very sick - again . This time , it was , according to the vet , E . coli … or an E . coli - type infection . She had to stay with the vet for a couple of days . Again , she made a full recovery and was able to come home . We resumed our life as a care - free college student and her dog . Another way , another move . I moved a little way outside of town . My new roommate already shared the property with a dog and two horses . Trinity really enjoyed the rural life . About a week after we moved in , my roommate had her horses tied to the front yard fence , washing them . I came home and let Trinity out of her kennel , and out in the front yard to do her business … just as I did every day . I was obviously not thinking clearly ! She went charging out the door , straight for those horses on the other side of the fence . She ran up to them , barking . As she got to the fence , though , she looked up and realized just how incredibly big those horses were … and how small she was ! Just at that moment , the younger of the two horses reached his head over the fence , and began to nibble up and down Trinity 's back . Trinity froze . It was the funniest thing I had ever seen . Trinity had met her match . She remembered her lesson for a while . But one day , I had the bad luck to let Trinity out at exactly the same time that my roommate was letting the horses out to graze . They would always take a few minutes to run and buck and play before settling down to eat a little . One of Trinity 's favorite things to do was chase things . And that 's exactly what she did . She ran straight for the fence , scooted underneath it , and ran after those horses . I don 't know if the horses even noticed her . She chased them to the back of the property . The horses came back , making their full circle . But Trinity didn 't . My roommate and I started walking out towards the back of the property , calling for Trinity . We walked a little way , and finally saw Trinity coming … on three legs . One of her front legs was very clearly broken . My roommate very kindly offered to drive us to the vet . So , I lifted Trinity and carried her to my roommate 's truck . Off to the vet we went . It was fairly late in the afternoon , so Trinity had to stay overnight to have her leg set and casted . I brought her home on my way home from class the next day . She was still the same happy Trinity with the same happy tail . The cast made it hard for her to walk , but she soon figured it out . It took about two months , but her leg finally healed . Needless to say , I as on a first name basis with the entire staff at our veterinary clinic . Posted in Dogs , MemoriesTagged Dogs , Life and Death , Life Lessons , MemoriesLeave a comment Saying Goodbye - Part One Posted on February 6 , 2017February 9 , 2017 by ebigley This weekend was a little emotional here in our home . We 've had to say goodbye to a beloved family pet . Trinity wasn 't doing well Saturday , and when we woke up Sunday morning , we found she had died during the night . I must say , it wasn 't unexpected . She had been sick for quite a while . And after all , she was 17 years old . But how do I say goodbye to a dog who has been a constant companion to me for the past 16 years ? How do I help my kids say goodbye to a dog who has been part of the family for their entire lives ? After all , this dog has escaped death so many times . It 's really still a little hard to process that she 's actually gone for good . One of the ways I do it is to talk about ( or write about ) all the crazy shenanigans Trinity has gotten herself into over the past 16 years . She really was a funny dog . She was a constant guard of the food bowl . In fact , we don 't know exactly how we 're going to keep Sandy from eating too much anymore , now that Trinity is gone . Trinity was Sandy 's self control . The first time I met Trinity , I was looking to adopt a dog from the pound . I was in college , and I had grown up with dogs always in the house . So when I moved out of the dorms , and into my first apartment , getting a dog was my first order of business ! Off to the pound I went . There were all sorts of dogs , all barking and anxious for attention . But one dog in particular caught my attention . She was standing with her front feet up on the kennel door , jumping up and down , desperately barking at me , and trying to dig her way through the chain link door . I told one of the employees that I wanted to visit with that dog . I took her out into the yard area they had there at the pound for people to use to get to know the animals . She stole my heart right away . She was active and personable . I just knew she was the dog for me . So I took her to the front to start the paperwork and pay for her . The adoption fee was usually $ 75 . The lady at the front tap - tapped on her computer for a minute , and then frowned . She said , " I 'm afraid we may have a problem here . " " Well , " she frowned , " she has been adopted before , and they brought her back this morning . They said she was too much trouble . It was an older couple though , perhaps she was just too active . She is scheduled for … " she trailed off . " You are sure this is the dog you want ? She may be a problem . " " Yes , I 'm sure this is the dog I want . " Even though she hadn 't said it , I knew perfectly well what this poor dog was scheduled for , and that wasn 't going to happen to her ! I knew I couldn 't save them all , but I could save this one . " Alright then , " said the woman . " Just in case it doesn 't work out for you though , I 'll hold your check for a week . You can just bring her back and you 'll save the money . " Well , I had just been challenged ! There was no way the dog was going to come back to this place . I didn 't care how " difficult " she might be . She was my dog now , and we 'd figure it out . We went straight to the pet store to get some dog food and a proper collar and leash . I got her a kennel to use while I was in class . I took her to the vet for her shots and check up at the first opportunity . It turns out , she did have a few quirks . She was not a huge fan of other dogs … a fact which made visiting my parents and their three dogs a little challenging at first . But she got used to them . Well , all but one of them . But it was easy enough to keep the two of them separated while I visited for a weekend . She got agitated whenever she saw other animals of any kind … especially large animals like cattle and horses . That made the car rides back and forth to college rather interesting since the roads led through 3 hours worth of rural Texas . She was a very active dog , and still rather young . The vet estimated that she was about 10 months old . So she wasn 't completely out of her puppy phase yet . That explained why she was still a little " difficult " . We played a lot , and she had tons of toys . She seemed to be pretty happy . She took to kennel training very well . The kennel was her own little house , and she was perfectly happy to stay there while I was in class . Night time was a completely different story , however . Soon , even though I had every intention of having her sleep in the kennel , she had wormed her way out , and was sleeping at the foot of my bed . About a month after Trinity first came to live with me , we went home to visit my parents . We had plans to go to the state fair . So , on Saturday morning , I put Trinity outside in the back yard while I was getting ready to go . I walked by the door , and noticed her laying on her side … she appeared to be sleeping . That was odd behavior for her so early in the morning . I went out to check on her . She could barely stand , and was obviously very sick . I called to my mom and dad . They helped me get her in the car , and drove us to their vet . It turns out , she had been poisoned . Mom and Dad told me that they 'd been having some trouble with some boys in the neighborhood , messing with their dogs . Chances are , someone had tossed something over the fence , intended for my parents ' dogs , and Trinity had eaten it . Since it was Saturday , my parents ' vet got Trinity stabilized , then we took her over to the emergency clinic , where I had worked so many years in high school and during the summers in college . Fortunately , I had an employee 's discount , so I only payed the hospital 's cost for all of her treatment . Even so , I had to have help from my parents in order to afford all the treatment . Posted in Dogs , Farm Life , Kids , MemoriesTagged Dogs , Life and Death , Memories4 Comments No Chickens ! Posted on January 28 , 2017April 19 , 2017 by ebigley Six and a half years ago , our lives changed forever . We bought a house in Middle - of - Nowhere , Texas . Then we moved from our nice , conveniently located house in town to our new little piece of property that was an hour away from anything . At the time , Bear was around 18 months old , and we were expecting our second . I was so sick , and so busy taking care of a toddler . Andrew had to do pretty much all the moving by himself . I was useless ! What were we thinking ? ? ? Once we got moved in and at least nominally settled , we had to get to work on a way to keep our agricultural tax exemption . We had always intended to stock the place with animals . I only had one rule . One rule , never to be broken , when I agreed to move out to the middle of nowhere : NO CHICKENS ! ! ! No chickens . How hard is that rule to obey ? We could get anything else … cows , goats , sheep , horses , even llamas . Just no chickens . The possibilities were endless . I always assumed we would get some cattle . I mean , this is Texas . Of course there would be cattle . He wanted to get … chickens . Yes , chickens . I thought I had made myself perfectly clear . Why on earth would he want to mess with such foul , disgusting fowl which are useless for anything except feeding the local bobcat and coyote populations ? My uncle had chickens years ago when I was a kid . I was certain that this one experience in my youth made me an expert on the matter . Unfortunately , my husband did make some good points . We did eat a lot of chicken . We ate a lot of eggs . We would know what was going into our food . It would be cheaper to raise them than to pay full price at the store . It was starting to become clear that I was going to lose this argument . But , I held fast and firm to my decision . NO CHICKENS ! ! ! " So , " says my husband , smiling mischievously , " You don 't want chickens . But that means I can get chickens . You won 't have to mess with them at all . They 'll be my chickens , my business . " I was nearly 8 months pregnant , and I was tired . I finally conceded the loss . " Fine . " I pouted . " But understand me now . I will NOT do anything with those chickens ! They are yours , just like you said . I won 't touch those nasty chickens . And don 't come crying to me when the coyotes get them ! " A few days later , my husband came driving home from the feed store with a box full of chicks that he had ordered . Thirty of them . Thirty ! They were kinda cute . Even my hard heart had to admit that . They were all fluffy and yellow , with all the little cheep cheep noises . But I still wasn 't going to have anything to do with them . Nope … no way ! Wasn 't gonna happen ! My husband had a big crate in the garage that he turned into a brooder for them . It was fall , it was actually rather cool , and chicks have to be kept very warm until their feathers come in . He put chicken wire over the top of the box , and a piece of plywood on top of the wire to keep the heat from the lamp in the box , leaving enough room uncovered for air to circulate . He weighted down the wood on the top to make sure it wouldn 't come off . The next morning , as my husband was leaving for work , he asked me to come out to the garage every few hours to check the brooder to make sure the chicks weren 't too cold , and make sure they had enough food and water . Remember , that I was eight months pregnant . The walk ( waddle ) from the house to the garage was no small undertaking ! But , the compassion for these poor little babies in my hormonal pregnant heart was stirred . So much for being completely hands - off with the chickens ! My resolve had lasted less than 24 hours . Tragedy would soon strike our household , however . The third day after their arrival , after my daughter was down for her nap , I went out to check on the chicks . My pregnant , hormonally - charged brain knew something was amiss the minute I stepped into the garage . It was too quiet . There were no sounds of cheeping and scuttling about as I approached the box . The lid was knocked off , and the chicken wire was pulled up on the corner . Oh , what a horrible , gruesome scene I found in that brooder ! Something had gotten into the brooder and killed every single chick save one … but when I looked , I didn 't see the live one . It must have been hiding in the corner under the light . I thought they had all been killed . They had not been eaten . They had been eviscerated . The perpetrator had extracted the parts he wanted with surgical precision from each and every chick . The rest of the parts were scattered about the bottom of the box , untouched . This MO suggested that a raccoon was to blame . I cried and cried and cried . It was too much . My emotional state was already unstable . I didn 't even want those silly chicks . And now I had to deal with this grizzly murder scene . I called my husband at work , and I cried at him for about 5 minutes before I could make any words come out . Of course , this resulted in a panicked husband . Imagine your very pregnant wife who is alone with your young daughter out in the middle of nowhere , calling you at work , unable to do anything but cry . I finally managed to pull myself together enough to tell him what had happened . He was also upset , but told me he 'd take care of it himself after work . When he got home , he found the one chick that had survived . I held and cuddled that little chick while he cleaned out the brooder . All those poor , helpless babies were just gone ! It was the first of many life and death lessons we would learn about how hard , and sometimes vicious life could be out here . Andrew fixed the brooder up and made many improvements so this would not happen again . He also went on a raccoon hunting spree , the first of several . We got more chicks . In fact , since there was one survivor , we had to get more chicks the very next day . Our lone survivor would get too cold without some compatriots to keep him company . Andrew built coops and fenced enclosures when the new chicks were ready to move out of the brooder . Since then , we 've grown our flock quite a bit . We keep a permanent flock of layers , and hatch out some as replacements for our older layers , and some for meat for our family each year . I still don 't like the chickens . I like raccoons even less . And , despite all my big talk at the beginning , I was the one crying when predators got to the chickens . Whatever my opinion on the matter , the chickens are here to stay . I even have to mess with them occasionally . Guess who takes care of them when Andrew is out of town ? Yep , that 'd be me . And guess who has to make sure their water misters get turned on every day during our scorching Texas summers ? Yep . Me again . I have to admit , I do like the fresh eggs , and producing our own food is pretty satisfying .
|
Days , Life , DreamsMy life , family , work , and everything inbetween . All posts in category mommy stuff You are Too Young for a Girlfriend , Mister ! Sometimes while life is passing you by , you don 't notice how much your kids are growing until something happens to remind you of it . Me , trying my best not to laugh : Where did you hear about girlfriends ? ( And please don 't ask how the babies get out ! Or how you put them in ! ! Dear God , he 's only six ! ) Me : Oh , well maybe when you 're older you 'll get a girlfriend , okay ? Now finish your lunch . ( Whew , no more questions . Maybe he should stick to cartoons that don 't show marriage , relationships , dating … gee , that 's pretty much all of them . ) Sheesh , sometimes I wish it was as easy for humans as it is for dogs . I 've got my hands full with preparing him to be a good boyfriend and teaching him how to treat girls right , plus ensuring no babies are put into girlfriends tummies until he is old enough to handle the responsibility . And the girlfriend is in agreement . And he has his own place . And a job . Is 40 too old ? Febrile Seizures - Dangerous ? Or Just Scary ? A few weeks ago Logan came down with a fever . He was fine at bedtime , but when I went to take him to the toilet a few hours later , he was burning up . That was the beginning of a very long night . Logan woke a lot , calling for water , cuddles , blankets , etc . At one point it seemed he had been calling for a while but I was so tired I didn 't hear him . He wet his bed and I had to change him and the bed while he fussed about feeling cold . Just as he was settled , he yelled again and told me , " The castle is rising ! " I should have realized then that his temperature was high , but my tired state had fogged my brain and I made him go back to sleep . At 5 : 30 a . m . his yelling woke me out of a sound sleep . I dragged myself to his bed again and asked what he needed . It took a minute for me to realize that he was freaking out because he was having a febrile seizure . His body was shaking , his muscles were tense , and he was scared . It wasn 't the first time this had happened , so I was able to keep him calm by talking to him until the seizure stopped . The commotion in the kids ' room had woken everyone except Scarlett by this time . Lila was asking what was going on and why Logan 's body was shaking like that . After what seemed like a few minutes , but probably wasn 't more than a minute , the seizure stopped . Glad and I got Logan cleaned up ( he had wet himself , normal during a seizure ) and back into bed . We gave him some paracetamol and put a cool cloth on his forehead to help bring the fever down . Daddy lay down with Logan while I tried to get Lila to go back to sleep in my bed . Logan was delirious and kept talking nonsense . ( Later in the day he told me his bed had been rising off the floor and he thought he had been dreaming while awake . ) Once the medicine kicked in and he was cooler , I took his temperature and it was still 103F . I can 't imagine how high it was during the seizure ! This is the second or third time Logan has had a febrile seizure . Had I not read about them shortly before it happened the first time , it would have freaked me out . Febrile seizures are generally not dangerous to a child 's health . They are usually caused by a rapid rise in the temperature of the fever . They occur in children between the ages of 6 months - 6 years , and are more common in boys than girls . In most cases , a medical exam afterwards is not necessary , unless you notice that your child doesn 't seem like themselves after an hour or more , or the fever doesn 't go down after you 've given them something for it , or if the seizure happens again during the same illness . 5 . The child may wet or throw up while it is happening . If they throw up , make sure they are lying on their side so they don 't gag on the vomit . 6 . Once the seizure is over and your child is cleaned up and calm , you can give them whichever OTC fever - reducing medication you normally use . Make sure to follow the body weight dosage listed on the bottle and measure out carefully . A cool cloth on the forehead helps too . No More T . V . - For a While Today I did something my kids still can 't believe - I took away their daily t . v . time for an undetermined amount of time . Let me explain why . Logan and Lila have been getting more and more familiar with me . Anytime I ask either of them to do anything , they have a reason why they can 't obey , or an excuse , or an outright " no " . I find I 'm repeating myself too many times a day , trying to get them to obey . What 's worse , they will obey daddy wonderfully , will clean up their toys when he asks , come when he calls , etc . , well , most of the time . They even told me that they would only obey daddy . That got me mad and on more than one occasion , I had to get Glad to talk to them about needing to obey me too . We 've tried many different discipline methods , but the only thing they seem to respond to is loss of privileges , mainly t . v . and movies . We 've used this many times in the past , mostly to get a lesson to sink in , and it seems to work , at least for a while . During the time when they know they are missing their favorite shows , Logan will ask me why he 's missing it and we talk about what he needs to change to get to see them again . See , I asked them to do something they have to do every day : tidy up their bedroom . I got the dinner done early , since it is better to go out a little later when it is cooler , and they spent that time playing . Once I was done , I asked them to pick up the mess so we could go out . No response . I asked again . Told them we needed to go outside . Nothing . Then it started raining . Not too much , we still could have gone with raincoats , but by now they were both saying they didn 't want to clean up . No , they wouldn 't do it . Logan went as far as to tell me to never ask him to clean up again ! ! This stinker is not even 6 yet . That is something I expect from a teen , not him . I 'd had it at that point . Not just because they wouldn 't clean up this time , but because of all the times lately that they have not listened to me at all . I just said there would be no more daily t . v . time until they learn to obey me . That did it ! The tears ! No , we want to obey . Oh , really ? I 've heard that one before . I held my ground and left the room to wash dishes so as to not yell at them any more . We didn 't go out , they played around a bit , and cried more when they realized I was serious . Then daddy came home . Of course he had to hear the tale and of course he agreed with my decision . I actually heard them talking before he came , hoping he would say something different and change the punishment or drop it . Such stinkers ! In the end , Scarlett cleaned most of the mess , while Logan and Lila did a little . Then they sat for dinner with daddy and he talked to them about obeying me . Before bed , I again had to make it clear that it was up to them how long this t . v . ban would last . I know I 'll have to discuss it again tomorrow . And probably all of next week . I 'm actually curious to see how long it will take for them to get that I mean business . I know there won 't be an overnight change , since they are in the habit of not obeying the first time , ignoring me , arguing about having to obey , etc . It 's going to take me reminding them every time I ask them to do something and they don 't do it right away . I know this is going to be rough for me as well as them , but the hope is that in the end , they will be more obedient . Update : November 2 , 2013 - after one week I tried letting them have t . v . time back . Logan lost it again on the first day when he freaked out over Lila doing some small thing he didn 't like and biting her so hard he almost cut her skin . The girls aren 't into the t . v . as much as he is , so on those days when Logan wasn 't allowed it , I only put it on if they asked . Mostly they would just play and be happy on their own . After 2 weeks , Logan is doing much better . He is listening to me more , obeying more , and he has yet to bite again . I consider this a success . So yes , they are again allowed to watch their shows . Hopefully they will remember this one for a while . Who is Really Stressing You Out ? Motherhood and stress - I find those words together a lot . Mothers all over the internet complain about how their children stress them out . We know that children are high - maintenance , and I 'd be lying if I said I never feel stressed . But the question is , is it really the children who are stressing you out ? Or are you allowing yourself to be stressed ? Yes , I said allowing . We have the power to decide whether or not to allow a situation to stress us out . We can either let the challenges of parenting get to us , or we can learn how to overcome them . We all know that exercise is a stress - buster , but most of us don 't do it , for whatever reason . We allow our own health to sit on the back burner while we tend to those around us . It might seem noble to put yourself last , but it isn 't good for you . Exercise is one of the best stress - relievers there is . If you can 't get away from your kids for it , do it with them . Dance in the living room , run at the park , go for a walk . Any exercise is better than none at all ! So make time in your schedule for exercise . When your children 's antics are getting you riled , stop and breathe . Just take a minute to compose yourself by taking a deep breath , closing your eyes , and letting it out slowly . Go ahead . Try it now and see how good it makes you feel . Look out the window at nature , or step outside for a minute and breathe , and tell yourself you can handle whatever is bothering you . I promise you will feel the stress melt away . Do something for yourself every day . Nap when your child does , read a book or your favorite blog , take a shower ( and don 't feel bad if it takes an extra cartoon or two ) . Put on some makeup or brush your hair . Get dressed . Do something that will help you feel more like a woman and not just a " mom " . I like to get up early for exercise , then take a shower and have my coffee before the kids get up . Thankfully my kids love to sleep late so early for me is up by 6 . If your child is an early riser ( or has to get up for school ) , see when else you can fit in time for you . Remember , they are just children . They are still selfish and self - absorbed . Everything is about them . Don 't take personally anything they say or do . I run the house . It is my job to make sure everyone else is where they should be , doing what they should do . I am a boss . But a mommy is so much more than all of those , for she is the one the children cherish , the one they run to when they are sad , in pain , or need comfort . They come to her for advice , for hugs and cuddles , for encouragement . Even though their antics may drive her insane , at the end of the day , it is their sweetness that keeps her going . A Mom 's Mini Emergency Kit When my kids were small , I had a variety of diaper bags - ranging from small , to medium , to large ; colorful to plain ; fancy to formal - with everything I needed for outings with them . I struggled to carry a purse and diaper bag and eventually gave up on the purse altogether . Then I switched to carrying a large purse of some sort that was secretly a diaper bag with a small corner for myself , so that I could look a little more put together . Having to lug around all the stuff that a baby or toddler requires was no fun . I often had marks on my shoulders from carrying a heavy bag that never got lighter . Sometimes I would remove something I felt wasn 't needed , only to need that exact item later that day ( and it was never needed when I had it ) . I was so happy that as my kids got older I could carry less stuff . No longer do I need to carry diapers , extra clothes , toys , bottles , blankets , etc . I can take all three of them anywhere with the clothes they are wearing , and perhaps a bottle of water , or something to occupy them with , depending on our destination . I bought a small , transparent toiletry bag that measures 6 1 / 2 ″ long x 5 ″ wide x 3 1 / 2 ″ deep , and in it I keep several small items I always need when out with the kids . I chose to put them all in a small bag so that I can transfer it to whichever purse or shoulder bag I 'm carrying that day . These are basic items that often end up in your purse anyway , but tend to get lost in the mess and can be hard to grab at a moments notice . With Logan , it was his premature birth and 10 day hospitalization . With Lila it was the time she drank turpentine at 2 years , 1 month old . Scarlett had yet to do something to freak me out severely ( other than running off in a bookstore and hiding when she was 18 months old ) , but that changed last week . Logan was already fussing when we got to the mall because we were only doing grocery shopping , and he wanted to go to the arcade and toy shop . He has no patience for shopping so he was running around , touching everything - every display , every shelf , every food item . He broke candy bars , crushed bags of chips and grabbed everything he could . Normally he is fairly obedient and can manage a trip to the store without too much wildness , but this day his hyperactive nature had taken over and it was all I could do to not yell at him right there . ( He has ADHD . ) He continued to be wild during lunch and rest time , and on into the afternoon . He was mean to the girls and kept making them cry . Any sort of punishment didn 't faze him at all . I finally decided to take the kids to the playground near our house , hoping that some outdoor play could burn some of his energy and tire him out . Yet he continued to be wild . Several times I had to pull him aside from his play as he was biting and pinching the other children . He even bit his own lip when he fell as he was racing up the slide . The whole time I was keeping half an eye on the girls as they climbed the jungle gym . They are both quite good at it , so , while I stay near them , I don 't have to be right there . At one point I had to go to Logan again , and I didn 't see Scarlett follow me , nor did I see her climb the straight metal slide ( not the ladder but the slide ) until she was at the top . It was almost like seeing something in slow motion . I saw her at the top of the slide . I saw her begin to turn , and then I knew she was going to fall . I was too far away to get there in time to catch her . I left Logan and forgot his naughtiness as I ran to my baby . The slide was about 6 feet at the highest point and she fell from the top , landing in the sand flat on her chest and tummy , hitting her lips hard on one side . Horror stories that I had heard of kids dying from falling off a slide filled my mind , and I struggled to push them away so I could focus on Scarlett . At first she cried while I carried her to a bench and tried to clean the sand off her face , but then she was quiet , scarily quiet . She just sat on my lap and looked at everything . I kept asking her questions but she wouldn 't answer . I managed to round up Logan and Lila , and we rushed home . All I could think of was getting her home , putting ice on her ever - swelling lips , and helping her recover from the shock she was in . She wouldn 't let me put ice on her lip , nor did she want me to get the sand out of her mouth , both of which made her cry . I was afraid she had some internal injury since she was so quiet . I called Glad , who was working on the other side of town , and told him what had happened . He asked some questions and then reassured me that she was probably fine but to keep an eye on her . I held her close and told her how sorry I was that I hadn 't been close enough to catch her . I couldn 't do anything but rock her . After about 30 minutes ( from the time she fell ) she began to move around . I put a video on for her and then went to my room to cry . The guilt I felt was massive . How had I not noticed her following me ? Why wasn 't I paying more attention ? Why hadn 't I been right there to catch her ? It was awful . Finally I realized I had some hungry kids on my hands so I forced myself to get up and cook dinner , even though I wasn 't very hungry and could hardly stand to look at food . Surprisingly , Scarlett ate a good dinner ! I thought she might just have some yogurt because she could hardly open her mouth , but she figured a way to slip the food in on the side that wasn 't sore . ( Fried chicken liver , French fries , and cucumber slices . ) Afterwards she was perky and climbing around , even jumping ! She was fine as I showered everyone and got them ready for bed . I let her lie in my bed and she went to sleep quickly . I kept her in bed with me all night . At one point she scared me by waking up and just sitting there and staring straight ahead . After what seemed like forever , she told me she wanted water and to get up , but it was only about 4 in the morning so I convinced her to go back to sleep . In the morning her lip looked scary . The top one on the right side was big and puffy , the bottom about half the size . Above , below , and on her lips were all the tiny scratches that had scabbed overnight . Scarlett herself was perky as ever , ate a good breakfast , had a normal bowel movement , and showed every sign of being ok internally . But just to be safe , Glad took her to the hospital for a checkup . I didn 't feel relief until they got home . The doctor had confirmed that she had no internal injury , and her lip was going to be just fine . The swelling went down rapidly over the next two days , so fast , in fact , that we could see a difference from one hour to the next . Now , exactly one week later , all the scabs are gone and there is no evidence that she had such a bad fall . Since that day I 've made sure to stay right next to her at the park whenever she is climbing . She is daring , like Lila , and will climb on most anything , so I can 't let her out of my sight . She may be a good climber , but she is still a toddler and doesn 't have as good balance as Lila does . I shudder every time I think back on that moment when she fell . I 'm thankful she fell from the 6 ' slide and not the higher spiral one that she so loves . I 'm thankful I wasn 't far when she fell , so I could pick her up right away . I 'm thankful she wasn 't seriously injured . And I 'm most thankful she is still here . Mommy Fears and Heart - stopping Moments From the time Logan was small , one of my greatest fears was that someone would grab one of my kids in a public place and run off with them . When Logan learned to walk and could get away from me , I kept my eye on him like a hawk . I remember so clearly how hard it was for me to turn my back for even a second . I literally would have to tell myself it wasn 't awful to glance in another direction for a second . It got harder when Lila came along and began walking and both wanted to go in different directions at once . I think if it had been possible , I would have turned into some version of Inspector Gadget with extendable arms and a 360 degree rotating head . Ha . Taking them to the park was crazy , and we only survived the mall because of the stroller where one of them would always be confined . I 've since learned to watch them closely but I don 't have my eyes glued to them at every second . I spend most of my time anywhere moving my eyes from one to the other to the other and back to the first one again . 🙂 Well , I can sort of trust Logan , and sometimes if the girls want to run to the small lake and Logan wants to be in the adjacent playground where I can see when he is on the top of the slide , it 's okay . Or if in the toy shop he wants to look at books over in the next aisle where I can 's see him while the girls play with the Lego display , it 's okay . I do check on him often and he 's fine . But I can 't trust the girls . Scarlett loves to run as soon as my back is turned , and has given me more than one fright at the skating rink . Often someone will see me looking wildly for her and will point me in the direction she went . And last week at the rink , Lila decided she didn 't want to finish the exercises with the teacher so came looking for Scarlett and I . I was at a place where I could see them with the teacher , but she managed to sneak out , and then went and asked some lady to help her find me . I was proud that she remembered what color I was wearing but upset that she left , and after I spotted her and called her back , she got strict instructions to never leave the rink if I wasn 't in sight . What makes it harder for me is how people here in India are so attracted to them , because of their light skin color . People constantly sneak photos of them , touch them , pinch their cheeks , and want to be near them . The very few who do ask for photos first always get denied . I mean , why do they need pics of my kids ? The rest can be glad I don 't go smash their phones . It 's so rude of them to just take their pics but what can I do ? Kidnapping is a very real fear here . At least once a week I read about one in the paper , often with sad results for the child . My kids being white could be targets so I do have to be careful . Even though most people are just being friendly , it 's better safe than sorry . Just last Friday , while at the skating rink , I saw what I thought at first glance was my nightmare coming true . There is a balloon vendor there every day , and of course Scarlett spends lots of time watching the balloons . I was seated on one end of the rink , further from the balloons than normal , but I could still see her clearly so I let Scarlett walk over . I was watching her the whole time , so I jumped when I saw a man run and grab her real quick . I ran through the rink to where he was standing , but before I could exit the rink , a cow with large horns ran in front of me , with her owner at her heels . Last year Logan pretty much quit napping . Some days I 'd make him nap just so I could have a break in the afternoon , but he didn 't really need it any more . Then Lila began to nap less frequently , so I decided to take them off of naps altogether . They were so happy the day I told them they no longer needed to nap ! Of course Scarlett still needs a nap , so I put her down in my room while Logan and Lila play in their own room . They skate from 5 to 6 p . m . and then do some exercises with the coach for 30 minutes afterwards . While we don 't always stay for the exercises ( how long you stay is up to you ) , most days the kids want to and Scarlett joins them too , so we only get out of the park by 6 : 30 or so . While we can walk there in 10 minutes ( at Scarlett 's pace ) , going home can take upwards of 15 minutes since it is peak traffic hour and the area is full of construction and bad sidewalks , and I am dragging three tired kids while carrying a heavy bag full of skating gear and water bottles . By the time we get home it is almost 7 p . m . Everyone is tired and hungry and can 't wait for me to cook . So from the beginning I switched to cooking dinner in the afternoon so that we can eat just as soon as we get in . It takes more planning for me to make dinner before going , but having food ready to feed starving tummies makes it worthwhile . 7 : 00 a . m . I get in just as Glad is heading out to the gym . Kids are ( hopefully , usually ) still sleeping . I shower and dress , then have my coffee and read the newspaper . 9 : 15 a . m . Kids are gone to school with daddy . I find things to keep Scarlett busy as I clean and tidy the house . Once a week we go grocery shopping ; once or twice we pick up anything else we need , like fruits and veggies , at the local shops . Sometimes we call off all work and go to the park for an hour or two . I also plan what I will make for dinner and take out meat that needs thawing or soak chickpeas for pressure cooking later . 12 : 45 a . m . Glad and the kids are usually home by this time , so we eat right away , since Glad has to run back to work shortly afterwards . This is our family meal since daddy isn 't home for most dinners and he is at the gym while we have breakfast . 1 : 20 p . m . Clean up lunch mess . Find a way to keep Lila out of trouble since she no longer naps ( Logan plays well on his own so I don 't have to worry about him . ) Put Scarlett down for a nap and take a short one myself for 15 - 20 minutes . 2 : 00 p . m . Sit with my coffee and try to clear some cobwebs from my brain . I always need more sleep , but if I sleep longer , I can wake assured that Lila is up to no good . Just this past week she played with my glasses and broke them , put a mobile phone in the washer ( we had to wait 3 days for the repair man to come get it out , meaning I had to add hand wash to my list of chores ) , and dumped a whole packet of glitter on the balcony . I lock the kitchen door , but she climbs through the small window between the kitchen and dining room to get into food and such , and sometimes can 't get back out . The other day I woke to the sound of her and Logan heading out the front door . No more long naps for me . 3 : 00 p . m . I wake Scarlett from her nap , and then work on dinner . Meanwhile the kids entertain themselves with play or coloring or teasing each other and making it hard for me to finish quickly . Somewhere in there I give them a snack and that keeps them quiet for a while . 4 : 45 p . m . We leave the house . The sports park is close so we get there quickly . On Wednesdays we skip skating and go instead to the playground . 7 : 45 p . m . Shower time for the kids . Sometimes this is a happy time and other times they are crying until the moment they are in bed . Get into pj 's , brush teeth , have a story , drink some water , milk every minute they can of being awake . 8 : 30 p . m . Kids in bed . Since Logan and Lila no longer nap , they go to sleep quickly . Scarlett takes a little longer , and I often hear her singing to herself , or I catch her looking at books or playing . She is usually asleep by 9 . As soon as the kids are in bed , I jump in the shower , and then head for the computer . That is my only time most days . Sometimes I 'd like to go to bed early , but Glad only gets in at 11 p . m . , and because of the type of lock on our door , I have to stay up to let him in . We aren 't going to change it now that we are moving . If Glad is home that evening , I will go to bed earlier . Sometimes we will both be in bed by 10 , or we relax with a movie together . ( If I 'm desperately tired , like during PMS , I 'll get into bed early and send Glad an SMS to call me when he gets home . That way I get some extra sleep . ) On Sundays I work for a few hours outside the house , so daddy is in charge . I take full advantage of this " day off " from being mommy . I leave the house at noon , finish work by 3 : 30 , eat lunch , and then take some time for shopping , visiting a mall by myself , or just walking around and enjoying the peace . I am home somewhere between 5 : 30 and 6 : 30 p . m . Daddy takes the kids skating this day , so that they can fit in 5 days of lessons a week . The classes last for 3 months , so after that I 'm sure the schedule will change again , as summer will be here and school will be out . And there are more changes to come involving our move to Canada . But I 'm not letting them stay up late ever again . 🙂 I love the quiet . After seeing that photo ( see previous post ) and how much weight I had gained , I had the motivation I needed to begin losing weight . It started with the exciting high that comes with a new plan and I went all out . I exercised every day , for an hour or more first thing in the morning . I pushed myself hard , but at the end of January 2012 , all I had to show for my hard work were some inches down . The scale hadn 't moved at all . Despite that I pushed on , each month striving to actually make the scale move , but it never moved more than a kilo , and that was either one up or down . While I did trim down a bit according to the measuring tape , the fat weight was still there . I fluctuated between 78 and 79 kgs . for the rest of the year . By April discouragement set in and I began to wonder if I could ever lose the weight . One thing Glad kept telling me was that I was eating too much and needed to cut down , but I couldn 't see how . I was sure I 'd be hungry all the time if I did that . Also , Scarlett was still nursing so I used that as an excuse to eat so much , even though I now see it wasn 't needed . ( She was 17 months at the time . ) I spent the rest of the year going up and down . Sometimes I 'd work out , other times I 'd skip it for a long time ' cause I was so tired in the mornings . The children 's sleep schedule was all over the place , so that made it hard for me to get enough sleep . At one point I got very sick and lost several kilos in a matter of days , but as soon as I was well again , I gained it all back . I don 't remember exactly when it happened , but sometime around the end of October I saw a post on Facebook from the page Fit Moms for Life . I visited their page and the more I read , the more inspired I got . Everything they post is about how you CAN do it , the " it " being lose weight and get into shape . I began looking forward to their daily photos and quotes , and those are what inspired me to get back into daily exercise . Those quotes gave me the motivation to just get out there and do what I could . So beginning on the 1st of November 2012 , I recommitted to daily exercise . I didn 't yet have a plan of how to lose the weight ; I just got out there and got back into the habit of getting the exercise . I began with brisk walking and slowly got into jogging . I built it up slowly , literally by adding on 15 - 20 more seconds with each lap when I felt I could do more . It was a slow start , but it got me going , and I kept this up throughout November and December . I usually gain extra weight in December due to all the yummy treats , but this time I didn 't because I was exercising . I also spent this time reading the Fit Mom 's for Life website , and I learned more about interval training and strength training . Christmas Eve outing - 2012 . How I looked after 2 months of consistent exercise but no diet change . ( I know , bad sweater choice . I shouldn 't wear stripes - but they look great on Lila . ) By January I began running instead of jogging , doing interval training 3 days a week and toning exercises on the other 3 days , with one day for rest . To make sure I was getting enough sleep ( also important for weight loss ) I took a daily nap when the kids did , since I was often only getting 6 hours of sleep at night , and that not solid . I recently made some changes to my and the kids ' schedules , and I am now getting closer to 7 hours of sleep at night and I only take a short ( 10 - 15 minute ) nap on most days . In February I changed my diet . I realized that I needed to make a solid change in my eating habits in order to really lose weight . So , hard as it was , I began reducing my plate size . I learned to tell when I felt full rather than eating until stuffed . I made my lunches salad and protein meals , and I cut out the excess starch I had been eating . I stopped buying " healthy " carbohydrate - loaded snacks ( that only I ate ) and replaced them with fruit . Over the past month I 've been quite strict on myself with the amount of food I allow myself to have , and the results are showing . I now can only eat smaller amounts at a time . If I overeat , I feel it . I 'm uncomfortable once I pass the full stage , so now I don 't go there . I 've also lost the intense desire for sweets that I used to have . I permit myself a weekly treat and find my body is satisfied with that instead of demanding it daily . I 've also balanced out my meals / snacks and I make sure to not skip a snack if I feel the need for one . I used to skip snacks , thinking I 'd lose more weight if I didn 't eat , but I 've found out that the opposite is true - eating small amounts regularly is better for your metabolism and will help you lose weight in the long run , so long as the food is healthy and not junk . The payoff came when I went for my monthly weigh - in . At the beginning of Feb . I weighed 79 . 3 kgs . Now at the beginning of March I weigh 77 . 3 kgs . ! I did a happy dance inside when I saw that . Two whole kilos off in one month of changing my diet ! That was the key for me . So now I am excited and I want to keep this up . I need support , so along with this post , I am posting a new page called My Fitness Journey where I will track my exercise and weight loss for as long as I need to . I 'd love it if you could back me up , so encouraging comments are welcome ! 🙂 I 'll also post photos ' cause I want to actually " see " the change as it happens . I don 't have any recent ones of myself so there isn 't anything current to show you , but I 'll get some just as soon as I can . I just want to add a note here to Dustin and his team from Fit Moms for Life : If any of you are reading this , thank you . Your website and Facebook quotes are helping me in this weight loss journey . Having that kind of support has made all the difference for me . You guys are doing a great job ! Readers , if you haven 't yet visited the Fit Moms for Life website , please go now . And don 't think that it isn 't for you just because you aren 't a mom . While Dustin 's focus is mothers , he is helping many others to get fit as well . So check it out if you need some inspiration , motivation , and support . Top Posts & Pages Having Trouble Getting Your Overtired Toddler to Bed ? Try These Tips Poem - What Do Mothers Do All Day ? " He 's a Bad Boy ! " I Finally Forced Myself To Go To the Dentist and This is What Happened Potty Training 102 Meta Register Log in
|
Father smiled wistfully to himself . He had finally accepted Catherine 's presence in Vincent 's life , and learned to trust in her deep abiding love for him . He hesitated outside his son 's chamber uncertainly , wondering if he should turn back , but the tapestry was raised , a sign common in the tunnels that visitors were welcome . Father was still uncertain , it wouldn 't have been the first time the lovers had forgotten to lower the tapestry , and Father blushed at the thought of that particularly embarrassing incident . The voices inside were low , and Father couldn 't hear what was being said , until he heard Vincent 's loud , amused , " Awww . . . " Father crossed the room to stand at Vincent 's side , craning his neck to look at the big album . He couldn 't resist a smile when he looked down at the pictures , of a lovely little girl with light brown pigtails and bright green eyes . In one picture , she was in front of a birthday cake , preparing to blow out five candles . Catherine beamed up at him . " I found this old album in my closet , I haven 't looked at it in years . I brought it down to show Vincent pictures of me when I was little . " " Look at this one , " Vincent said , his mouth turned up at the corners in a small smile . He turned back a few pages , to older photos , of Catherine as a baby . On this page , was a fat , giggling baby being given a bath by her mother , and several of little Cathy crawling , laughing , and eating quite messily . " Wasn 't she just a little cherub ? " Catherine chuckled and playfully rolled her eyes , changing the subject . " My dad was a camera maniac . He took pictures constantly , and never relinquished the camera , so that 's why you see so much more of my mom then him ! " Father looked at a few more of the pictures , the politely excused himself , leaving the happy couple to enjoy the little pieces of Catherine 's past . He sighed inwardly , there had been many times when Vincent was a child that Father had wished he could have taken a picture of him . Of course , there was always the beautiful painting Elizabeth had done of him in her tunnel , but that wasn 't quite like capturing a moment , like the picture of Catherine blowing out her birthday candles , just the same as Vincent had done many times . Unfortunately , photographs simply weren 't worth the risk to his extraordinary , and very different son . But at least he still had his memory , and hopefully would for a few more years . " Oh , Lord , I remember that dress , " Catherine groaned , as she looked at the image of a young girl in a bright pink and white dress , with little horses printed on it , and absolutely dripping with lace , marching unhappily to her school bus . " Ugh , I simply loathed that dress , the lace was SO itchy , and I looked like a cupcake ! A horse covered cupcake ! " " Yes , " Catherine 's voice grew soft , distant , as thought she was traveling to the day . " My mother made me that dress . The first one , the only one , she ever made . And she was so proud of it . It was my birthday dress , for my tenth birthday . " Vincent reached over to wrap his arm comfortingly around Catherine 's shoulders as tears welled up in her eyes . " I wore the dress because I didn 't want to hurt her feelings , but I joked about it at school that day to my friends , to cover up my embarrassment . I didn 't know then that she was sick . I would have appreciated her gift more , had I only known that it would be my last birthday with her there . . . " " After my mother got very sick , she didn 't want anymore pictures taken of her , she wanted us to remember as she was when she was well . After she . . . passed away , my dad stopped taking many pictures . Except of me , occasionally . " Catherine gave a sad smile and reached up to place her left hand on her husband 's cheek . Her husband ! Sometimes she still couldn 't believe it , that she and the love of her life had finally begun their happy life together . She looked at the hand on the side of his face , at the simple gold ring around her finger . To her it was the most beautiful piece of jewelry , second only to a very special crystal necklace . " And I love you , my Catherine , " Vincent said , his voice almost like a purr , Catherine loved it when he sounded like that . He lowered his face to hers , placing a tender kiss on her lips . He was still a bit shy about initiating an intimate embrace , but he was learning . After all , practice really does make perfect ! " Your emotions changed . So suddenly , " he responded . As he was kissing her , he had noticed the sudden switch , from passionate to melancholy . " I sense a sadness in you . Why ? " " Not sadness , really , " she said , playing with one of the tassels on Vincent 's vest . " I was just thinking , again , about you as a child . I think about that a lot , how we grew up , here in the same city , so close , Peter watched both of us grow , how easy it would have been for us to know each other . I wish so much I could have known you , it feels like all the years we didn 't know one another were wasted . " " Not wasted , " he said . " It just wasn 't meant to be , perhaps . . . " he hesitated a moment , before going on . " Perhaps you were not yet ready to meet me ; perhaps back then you wouldn 't have . . . understood . " " You mean I wouldn 't have accepted you . " she said , more of a statement than a question . Vincent nodded , almost imperceptibly . " How can you say that ? " Catherine felt hurt , did he think she was really that shallow back then ? " You think that the only way for me to accept you , was for you to save my life ? Well I don 't think that , I didn 't fall in love with you because you saved me , I fell in love because you 're you . " She looked up at him , defying him to disagree . " I didn 't mean it the way it sounded , " Vincent said . " I know that you love me , for me , truly I see that now . I 'm sorry , I shouldn 't have said that , " Vincent tilted his head to one side , and Catherine was powerless to resist him when he did that , and he knew it . " I forgive you , " she drawled , reaching up to wrap her arms around him , pulling him down . He came down willingly , to rest his head against her breasts . " Not that any of it matters , we 're here now , that 's all that counts , right ? " Catherine nodded , gently stroking his mass of wild blonde hair . " Wouldn 't it be fun , to go back in time , as adults , and meet the younger us ? Could you imagine your reaction if we told the young you that we are married ? " Vincent chuckled . " I never would have believed us , " they both dissolved into fits of laughter , at the absurdity of the conversation . " If I did believe , " Vincent raised his head to look at her with a sultry expression in his eyes as his voice lowered to that rumble that always gave Catherine chills . " I would have known I had a lot to look forward to . . . " Catherine couldn 't respond , only moan as his mouth lowered back to hers , taking her in the most passionate kiss he had ever given her . He raised up on his elbows , taking his weight off of her , and reached down to caress her skin under her sweater , as she frantically tried to untie the multiple fastenings of his vest . Once that was accomplished , he assisted her in removing it , then his sweater and thermal shirt . She stroked the fine , soft hair of his chest , eliciting a deep growl from him . The sound made her tremble , and she cried out softly , trying to move so she could remove her own clothes , those irritating barriers . He immediately complied , allowing her to sit up so she could take off her sweater and jeans , and then her underwear , as he moved to remove his own jeans , that had become extremely uncomfortable , and unwanted . Clothes tossed away , like so much unneeded trash , their bodies moved together , as their hands explored one another , never tiring of learning more and more about what pleased the other best . As they became one , they both marveled , how could they have gone so long not being together ? How did they ever survive ? Later , much later , the happy and sated couple rested in each other 's arms . " What ever did I do before I met you ? " Catherine sighed , snuggling closer to Vincent 's warmth . " Mmm . . . " Catherine mumbled , rolling over on her side . Memories of the night before flashed before her eyes and she smiled , allowing herself to slowly awaken . The first thing she noticed was that she was cold . She must have kicked off the blankets . She reached out toward her legs , eyes still closed , searching for the blanket , not finding it , she reached next to her , and realized that Vincent wasn 't there . . . and for that matter , neither was the bed ! Her eyes shot open in alarm when her hand met cold stone . She sat up with a jolt , eyes darting around her frantically . She was on the floor , in one of the tunnels . It was dark in both directions , the only torch she could see was right above her . She looked down at her clothes , she was wearing the sweater and jeans she had been wearing the night before , before bed , but she distinctly remembered getting up with Vincent , after their . . . activities , and taking a bath . Then she put on her favorite article of clothing to sleep in , one of his shirts . So how did she come to be in her clothes again ? More importantly , how in heaven 's name did she come to wake up in the middle of a tunnel ? " What the hell . . . " she muttered under her breath , rubbing her head and trying to clear her sleep - muddled brain . " All right , is this some kind of prank ? " Catherine called out to the darkness , the empty echo gave her the shivers . " Vincent ? " she waited , no one answered . " Come on , guys , who did this ? Very funny . Mouse ? Jamie ? " still , no one . " Okay , this isn 't funny anymore ! Vincent , please come out ! " She stood up shakily , for some reason she felt a little hung over , but she hadn 't drunk anything the day before . Could someone have drugged her and brought her here ? She knew some of the younger tunnel residents liked to pull pranks , and Vincent was often among them , but they never ever would have drugged someone , and even if this was a joke , they would have come out by now , Vincent would have felt the very real fear in her . So , if this wasn 't a joke , what was it ? Panic began to rise , but she fought it down with a vengeance , forcing herself to stay calm . She looked up and down the corridor . This part of the tunnel didn 't seem familiar , but many of the tunnels looked the same in the dark . She had to stand on tiptoes to reach the torch , then stood in the middle of the corridor , deciding which way to go . Suddenly , relief hit her like a ton of bricks when she realized she could plainly hear the distinct tapping on the pipes . She was so used to the sound by now , in her panic she hadn 't noticed it at all . It was the common , everyday relay of messages , an all clear alert from sentry post nine , a question Catherine didn 't quite catch , and the announcement that breakfast was served . Good , she was hungry . It still didn 't tell her which way to go , and although she could hear the tapping , there wasn 't a pipe here , so she couldn 't send for help . She finally just eeny meeny miney moed and went left , using the torch to light the way . She could see lights ahead , and decided she must be in a rarely used tunnel , since there had been few torches , and ahead was the more populated section . She reached a pipe , but decided she didn 't need to call for help , because she felt she knew pretty much where she was . As she got nearer to the lighted path ahead , she felt better and better , and was thinking about how mad she would be at whoever 's bright idea this had been . Catherine stopped cold , however , when a louder , sharper tapping began on the pipes . Intruder Alert . " An intruder ? " Catherine thought to herself . " Where ? " she hastened her pace , the nervousness , setting back in , along with the distinct feeling that something wasn 't right . " Hold it , right there , " she heard a man say . She spun around again , facing foreword , she held the light up to his face . Real terror set in when she didn 't recognize this man . It must be the intruder ! He was an older , balding man , who looked oddly familiar in a way , but no one she knew . " I was about to ask you the same thing , " the man said . He didn 't sound very threatening , almost friendly , like she amused him . That 's when it dawned on her that he was wearing the typical tunnel clothing . What in the world was going on ? " How did a pretty young woman like yourself get all the way down here ? " Catherine stared at him , completely baffled . " What are you talking about ? Who are you ? Why haven 't I ever seen you before ? " The man stared at her , puzzled , but didn 't answer . Catherine stared back , then finally broke out into nervous laughter . " Ha ha ha , very funny , " she said , not without a bit of hysteria . " Joke 's over now , I don 't know who went through all this trouble just to fool me , but it worked , " she directed the rest to the walls around her . " You can come out now ! You got me ! " she turned back to the man . " So really , who are you , are you new ? " The continued to stare , confused amusement now turned to alarm . He looked at her like she was crazy . " Are you all right ? " he said gently , as if he were talking to a child . " Did you hit your head ? Are you hurt ? " Either this guy really didn 't know who she was , or he was a very good actor . " No , I 'm not hurt , " She fought down the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes . " This really isn 't funny anymore , " she said , in a whimper . The man froze , his eyes widened to saucers , and Catherine couldn 't be sure due to the lack of proper light , but it looked like all the color drained from his cheeks . " WHERE IS VINCENT ? " she yelled , her heart almost beating out of her chest . " Please . . . " " Hey ! " someone shouted from behind the man . " Ben , what 's going on ? " two other men appeared beside the man called Ben . She couldn 't see their faces ; it was too dark . " Winslow , go get Father , " Ben said to one of them . " Winslow ? ! " she whispered harshly , feeling the world around her begin to spin . It can 't be Winslow ! Winslow is dead ! Vincent moaned and sat up . There was a horrible pounding in his head , and a sharp pain behind his eyes . " Catherine what did you do to me last . . . " Vincent stopped short as he immediately realized something was very wrong . Vincent leapt to his feet , baring his fangs and growling menacingly . He forced himself to calm down , so that he could rationally consider his predicament . Predicament ! That was an understatement . He wasn 't in his room , that was for certain . It seemed to be some sort of warehouse , or perhaps a storage building . He had awakened on the floor , behind some crates . The only windows were up very high , and were very small . Horror coiled in his stomach as he saw the sunlight peeking in through those dirty windows . " How did I get here ? " he thought , crouching down behind the crates . He didn 't sense anyone else in the building , but he felt slightly more secure being hidden , while he sorted things out . " Or the more important question , how do I get back ? " This wouldn 't have been the first time Vincent had awakened in the morning somewhere other than where he fell asleep . He recoiled from the thought of that other time , when the illness was taking him , and he had walked in his sleep , waking up from a nightmare to find himself lying in the middle of Central Park in broad daylight . Surely the same must have happened , but he was not sick this time , was he ? No , he wasn 't sick , the battle with his " Other " was long over , and he had learned to accept that other , more bestial side of himself , as a protector of the ones he loved . He had learned that with Catherine 's help . Vincent shook his head , clearing his thoughts . Memories of last time wouldn 't help him now , nor would wondering how this came to be . All that mattered now was getting back to the tunnels . He stood up , and left his hiding place furtively , walking along the wall , looking for a door . No , not that one , that one obviously led outside . He didn 't want to be out there . There had to be a door leading to a basement or something , some way of getting to the tunnels , but there was none . Two other doors , both marked " Emergency Exit Only , Alarm Will Sound " , but no other , no way , it seemed , to leave the building , except for the front door . Returning to his place behind the crates , he examined his options : unfortunately , there weren 't many . The building , its purpose still undetermined , seemed seldom visited . A heavy coating of dust covered everything , including the floor , he noted the footprints he had made were the only ones . So perhaps he was safe , relatively , until dark , when he could leave . His internal clock told him it couldn 't be much past eight - o clock , so he had a long wait ahead of him . If only he knew where he was , his sensitive hearing could pick up the sounds of people outside , not that close , but not that far either , he imagined perhaps that the building sat away from the street a ways . He could faintly smell salt water , maybe he was near the bay ? Vincent grumbled , this was so frustrating . " Father and Catherine will be worried sick , " he thought . He felt for Catherine through their bond , he had sensed earlier she had awakened , and he felt her shock , and then her worry , most likely from waking up and finding him gone . That worry had turned to fear and confusion , and was increasing rapidly , as he imagined she must be learning he was nowhere to be found . He hated that , worrying her so . Especially when he was virtually powerless to go to her . He leaned his back against the wall , trying to send her his love through the bond , to reassure her he was okay . " Curious , her mind is so unfocused , so many emotions playing at once , I can 't get through , " now he was getting worried about her . Could there be something else wrong ? He didn 't sense she was in any danger , in fact , he could tell that she was in the tunnels . But her emotions were running rapidly now , fear , confusion , humor , anger , fear again , anger again , constant confusion , fear . Suddenly it hit him , her call for him ; he could almost hear her cry " WHERE IS VINCENT ? " than nothing . Vincent sat up like a bolt , trying to feel for her , she was unconscious , fainted ? He could still feel that she was safe in the tunnels , so he tried to force himself to relax . He would have some serious making up to do , not that he had done this intentionally , but he still felt guilty for causing her such stress . " Try not to fear , my love , I will be home soon , don 't worry . " Catherine moaned and put a hand over her eyes . " What the hell did I eat last night ? " she should try to remember not to eat junk food too late , her mother always told her it caused nightmares , and what a nightmare that was . It was a nightmare ? Wasn 't it ? " Mary ? " Catherine said groggily . She opened her eyes to see Mary 's face above hers . She sat up slowly as she had been told . " Mary , what 's going on ? " Catherine 's eyes went round . " What ? ! What do you mean you don 't know me ? Mary why are you doing this ? It isn 't funny ! I want someone to tell me what 's going on and I want someone to tell me RIGHT NOW ! " Catherine stared at him , so intently that he flinched slightly . She stared for several moments , resisting his efforts to make her lie back down , watching for some signs that he was joking . He had to be joking , this was some elaborate hoax . No . What was she thinking ? Father didn 't joke . Catherine shook her head slowly . This was no hoax . Father really didn 't know her ! So that meant . . . what happened before was not a dream ! Unless this was all a dream , it had to be a nightmare . Tears began to roll down her cheeks . " Please , " she whimpered . " I don 't know why this is happening . Please , where is Vincent ? " Vincent would know her , he could never , ever not know her . Father shook his head tiredly , and stood up , watching Catherine warily , making sure she didn 't try to get up . " Wait right here , " he said , trying his best to sound calm . He took Mary 's arm and led her outside . " How 's the woman ? " Ben asked . " I 'm not sure , " Father said . " She seems delirious , but you were right , she asked for Vincent . Pascal , " he said , turning to the boy . " Go now and fetch Vincent , and Devin too while you 're at it . I 'm sure if anyone is responsible for this , it 's him . " " She knew my name , " Mary said . " And yours , but I 'm almost certain she hadn 't heard any of our names . It was more than that though , she seemed to genuinely know me , she asked what was going on , it seemed like she thought we should know her . " Father was baffled , he had never seen the woman in his life , and neither had anyone else so far . So far , there was still Vincent and Devin in question . What had they told this woman about them ? Catherine sat huddled on the bed . Never in her life had she felt so utterly lost and confused . She prodded deep for her small share of the bond with Vincent ; she could feel him , he was sending her his love , so why wasn 't he here ? Catherine thought , should she play dumb ? They didn 't know her , should she pretend she didn 't know them ? No , she didn 't think she could do that , Vincent would be here soon , and he would get to the bottom of all this . " Of course , " she said , honesty being the only thing she could manage in this state of mind . " We 're in the tunnels . " " Catherine , " Father echoed . " How did you come to know about this place , how do you know Vincent ? Did Vincent and Devin bring you here ? " " Devin ? " Catherine wondered . What did Devin have to do with anything ? She nodded , not knowing what else to do . As the panic was subsiding , she was noticing things that startled her , Father and Mary looked very different . " Younger , " she thought , in a daze . And Winslow was here earlier , although she didn 't see him , but how was that even possible . And Ben , where had she heard that name before ? " Pascal 's father ? " she said , not realizing she had . Catherine 's breathing increased . How was this possible ? It wasn 't possible ! She had to test it , " Where . . . where 's . . . Mouse ? " Father put a hand on hers , all three of them looked at her like she was crazy . " What do you mean , twenty three years ? " Father asked , talking to her like she was a child . " Father ? " all four turned to the doorway . A young boy stood there , looking uncertain . Another child stood beside him , but Catherine couldn 't see who it was . The boy looked at her . Devin ? Catherine 's eyes went to the small shape beside him . It couldn 't be . " Vincent ? " she asked weakly . Catherine 's eye 's never left the shadowed figure , he was so small , his voice so young . It couldn 't be Vincent . " Come into the light , " she said . " No , " the little boy said . " I don 't think you understand , " Father told Catherine . " My son is a bit , unusual . He doesn 't want to startle you . " Catherine swung her legs over the side of the bed , and stood up shakily , still looking at the little form that seeming to cower back a little . " He won 't startle me , " she said softly . " Come out , Vincent . " She didn 't want to hurt him , she had no clue what , how , or why this was happening , but one thing she knew with certainty , she never wanted to hurt Vincent , so she smiled , allowing the awe and wonder show . " Hi , Vincent . " she said softly . Father watched this exchange , as did the others , in total astonishment ; never before had Vincent warmed up to a stranger so quickly and easily . " Vincent , " said Father . " Do you know this woman ? " Catherine found she couldn 't wipe the smile off her face . What had happened to the fear she felt before ? " How can I be afraid when I 'm looking into this angel 's face ? " " My name is Catherine , " she said . " Hi , I 'm Devin , " Devin stuck his hand out , with a goofy smile on his impish face . Catherine took the offered hand and shook it , noticing there were no scars on his cheek . " Hello , Devin . " Father cleared his throat . " Miss . . . Catherine . Would you care to tell us , how is it , that you seem to know all of us , but we do not know you ? " Catherine looked at Father then back at Vincent , whose eyes asked the same question . She chewed on her bottom lip , how to answer . " Haha , well , you see , I am apparently in the wrong time , I know all of you , in the future ! " Catherine looked at each face in the room in turn , settling on Father . " You wouldn 't believe me if I told you , " she said with a wry grin . Catherine shifted weight from one foot to the other . " Can we sit in your study , Father ? I think you should all be sitting for this one . " " Now , Catherine , " Father said . " You seem to have a vast knowledge about us , about Vincent , and about this place . Yet we know nothing of you , I 'm sure you can understand that we want to know who you are , and how you came to know what you know . " Catherine smiled at Vincent . " Thank you , " she paused , and tried to think . If this was 1967 , she would have only been 10 years old , and so would Vincent . So , was the 10 year old Catherine out there ? Must be , thought Catherine felt a bit disconcerted at the thought . They were never going to believe her story , they would think she 's crazy , although she didn 't think she 'd completely argue that at this point . If only there was some way of showing that she existed here , as a child , maybe that could help . That 's it ! " Peter ! " Catherine exclaimed , the outburst making Father and Mary both flinch . Obviously baffled , Father complied , any way to get some answers ! " Ben , " he said . " Can you please get an urgent message to Peter ? Ask him to come as soon as possible ? " The rest of the company turned back to Catherine , who took a deep breathe . " All right , the only thing I think I can do at this point is tell you the truth . None of you are going to believe me though , I don 't believe me ! " " I know how it sounds , " Catherine said . " I know I sound crazy , but I tell you , it 's true ! When I went to bed last night I was here , in the tunnels with . . . " Catherine hesitated , glancing at Vincent . " With my husband . " Catherine nodded . " Yes . Last night , we were talking . . . " Catherine suddenly remembered their conversation the night before , about wishing they could have known the other as a child . Could this possibly mean this was their wish granted . If that was the case , where was Vincent ? Her " About . . . what we were like as kids , we were looking at my old photo album , and we were wondering what would have happened if we had met . We went to sleep , and when I woke up , I was alone , on the floor in the tunnel . After that I ran into Ben , and you know the rest . " I don 't understand it either ! " Catherine exclaimed . " I don 't know how this is possible , believe me Father , I 'm as much of a skeptic as you are ! " " All right , all right , where 's the fire ? " Peter darted in just then , carrying his medical bag . He paused at the entrance , casting Catherine a quick glance , then turned his attention to Father . " What is it , Jacob ? What 's the emergency ? " Father stood up and crossed the room . " Peter , this young woman here , well , I don 't know how else to say it , so I 'll just come out with it . She claims to be from the year 1990 . " Peter raised an eyebrow at him , than looked at Catherine . " Oh really ? " he said , in the way he used to when Catherine told him silly stories . Father related the entire story , with Vincent and Devin throwing in details whenever they could . Catherine stood by and waited . Watching the emotions play out on Peter 's face , first it was total disbelief , but then that melted into surprise and interest , when Father explained how Catherine knew all about the tunnels , and knew everyone by name , and had asked for Peter herself . Father never said her name . She didn 't want to have to do this , but it was the only way . " My name is Catherine Elizabeth Chandler , my mother 's name was Caroline Chandler , my father is Charles Chandler . I was born at St . Vincent 's hospital , YOU delivered me . " " Fine ! " Catherine shouted . She turned around so the boys couldn 't see , and unbuttoned her jeans , tugging down the side to reveal her birthmark . " My God , it really IS you ! " Peter exclaimed as Catherine zipped up her jeans . Catherine suddenly pulling down her pants flustered Father , but now that he too , had seen the birthmark that Peter obviously recognized , it must be true ! Vincent and Devin had stopped laughing , and Mary simply looked on in awe . Vincent got up and walked over to Catherine . " So , you know me , as a grownup ? " Father was at a loss for words , as was Peter . Peter looked at Catherine as if she were a ghost . " Cathy . . . " he said , and hugged her . " I can 't believe I 'm believing this , but you 've turned into such a beautiful young woman ! " " No , " Catherine said , feeling very odd about telling him what will happen in the future . Should she be telling them ? What were the rules on time travel anyway ? " You didn 't tell me , I met Vincent myself three years ago , you and I didn 't even know the other was in on it until a little over a year ago ! Boy , were you surprised ! " " Wait , " Father interrupted . " You said you met Vincent , how did that happen ? " Catherine winced . She had no choice but to tell them the truth , but Father seemed a little over - interested in future happenings . " He , uh , " she glanced at the sparkling - eyed boy next to her , looking up at her with nothing short of adoration . " Saved my life , " she whispered , and unconsciously touched the scar beneath her left ear . Peter chuckled . " No , no , I believe you , how can I not ? But you do look a little worse for the wear if I may say so , all this must have come as quite a blow . " " No kidding , all right , test away , doctor ! " Catherine followed Peter and a still baffled Father out the door , turning back to see Vincent smiled shyly at her . She felt . . . connected to him , not in the way she was with " her " Vincent , no , that connection was still there . " Wait , it 's still there ! " Catherine began to worry , was Vincent here too ? If so , where was he ? Vincent waited miserably for the darkness to come . Catherine 's emotions had been like a roller coaster all day . He couldn 't understand why now she felt content , amused , and ever so often , he felt a surge of love , but not really the kind of love he usually felt for him , something bordering motherly . What was going on back there ? Wasn 't she worried ? After what seemed like an eternity , complete darkness settled within the building . He got up , stretching out a cramp , then crossed the floor to the door . He pushed gently , then harder , but it was chained from the outside . " But , how did I get in ? " Vincent wondered . He shook his head , he couldn 't think about that now . Vincent took a deep breath and held it , hoping against hope there was no one on the other side of this door . He shoved the door harshly , breaking the weak chain on the outside with ease . He peeked his head out , it was an alley , and it was deserted . He roamed from alley to alley , passing no one but the occasional homeless person , who paid him no mind . If he was correct in where he was , Brooklyn , then there weren 't many entrances to the tunnels here . Was he in Brooklyn ? Everything seemed so different . Usually he felt a degree of comfort on the streets , in the alleys , when he was under the cover of night , but that comfort was dissolving rapidly , as he was coming to the conclusion that he was lost . He had just decided that the only thing he could so was find a manhole , fast , when he heard a soft whimpering . He was going to ignore it at first , but then the sound got louder , as if whoever was making it was getting closer . Now he could hear footsteps . He knew he should hide , but something in the way whoever it was crying made him stop . It sounded like a child . He backed up against a wall , and peeked around the corner . A little girl , no older than ten years old , was walking up the sidewalk . She glanced around herself fearfully , her hands jammed stubbornly in her pockets . It looked to Vincent that she was wearing very nice clothes , so she couldn 't be a homeless girl , and she was carrying a backpack . " A runaway , perhaps , " Vincent thought sadly to himself . No matter , he couldn 't leave the girl alone , it was very dangerous for her to walk alone here , on a practically deserted sidewalk . He would just have to keep an eye on her , hopefully a parent would come looking for her soon . The girl continued to whimper , and walked slowly looking all around as if she were lost . Vincent was sympathizing until he got the feeling he wasn 't the only one watching her . The hair on the back of his neck stood on end as he watched three teenage boys cross the street , headed for the girl . " Hey wait ! " the blonde said , stepping in front of her . One of the others came to stand behind her , while the third blocked her way to the street . " What have you got in your backpack , kid ? " " Whoa , " the boys all said in unison , the blonde stepped foreword . " You tellin ' us what to do ? Give us the damn backpack , kid , before you get hurt ! " The boys laughed menacingly . " Oh yeah ? " The blonde reached out and grabbed the girl 's arm , while the boy behind her wrestled to open the back pack . All four froze instantly when they heard a something growl from the alleyway . " What the hell was that ? " the blonde said , still gripping the girl 's arm . The one still holding her backpack wrapped his arms around her and lifted her up , kicking and screaming . Before he could take one step with her in his arms . Vincent leapt from the shadows and grabbed hold of his hood , yanking him backward . " Put her down ! " he growled low . The girl fixed wide , green , tear - filled eyes on him . Although there was fear there , Vincent saw a great deal of bravery . " Why are you out here alone ? " he asked gently . " Don 't you know how dangerous it is ? " " I ran away , " the girl sniffed . " I don 't know why I did it , I just did , but I got on the wrong bus , and ended up here . I 'm lost . " Wordlessly , Cathy reached her hand back out , touching his shoulders . Vincent crouched back down hesitantly . Cathy took hold of his hood again , then slowly pushed it back , revealing his face to the dim light on the streetlight . " Yes . I was found when I was baby . " Vincent 's head snapped up , a car was coming . He sank intuitively to the shadows . After the car passed , he noticed that Cathy had followed his example . Vincent stared at the girl , that old feeling that something was off returned , why was she so familiar ? " I 'm hungry , are you ? " Cathy said suddenly , taking off her backpack to dig through it . She pulled out a chocolate bar . " Here you go , I have another one somewhere . " Vincent picked up the paper . " You dropped thi . . . " he froze , staring unbelieving at the paper . It was a graded test , but that wasn 't the unbelievable part , he looked at the writing scribbled in the corner . Cathy raised an eyebrow at him . " That 's the test I got back today . My dad won 't be happy that I only got an 80 , why ? Hey , what 's wrong ? " Vincent shook his head slowly , he felt dizzy . He saw the date on the paper , but he couldn 't believe it . " Catherine , what year is it ? " Cathy stared at him . " I 'm going home now , " she walked around him , giving him wide berth , and went back out on to the sidewalk . Looking both ways , she couldn 't see a payphone , or an open store . She glanced back to the shadowed figure slumped against the wall warily . He was obviously crazy , but he had saved her life . After a moment 's consideration , she decided crazy lion - man who saved her life was better then being alone on these streets . So she went back to the alley . " Didn 't you know what year it was ? " she asked him , quietly , afraid suddenly to startle him . " Hey ! " Cathy said , her voice quivering . " That 's my mommy 's rose ! Where did you . . . " she went to her backpack , digging furiously . Vincent watched her pull out several objects and toss them aside , until she stopped , and turned back around slowly , cradling a small white rose in the palm of her hand . Cathy took the picture and turned , holding it in the light . A woman who looked so much like her mother , only with big green eyes , like her own stared back at her . " That 's . . . me , " she said in a tiny voice . " Isn 't it ? " " I look just like my mom , " Cathy whispered , seemingly to herself . She shot her eyes back up at Vincent . " Okay , I believe you now , so you 're from the future , how 'd you get here ? " " Well , let 's see . . . " Vincent said , trying to think back at the night before . Well , before they went to sleep , he and Catherine . . . no , he certainly didn 't need to tell Cathy that , besides , that was nothing unusual , if not wonderful . " Catherine and I were looking at some of her old photo albums , of when she was a child . " Vincent gasped , she was right ! But if he was here , where was Catherine ? He could still feel her , she didn 't feel twenty three years away , she felt close . Vincent looked at the girl . He really should get her home to her father , but he might need her help . He believed he was placed here for a reason , and not just to save her from those punks . She might be necessary to get home to his own time . " Alright , I 'm going to tell you something , something that you must promise to keep secret . . . " Mary set Catherine up in one of the guestrooms , which , Catherine realized with a chuckle , would someday belong to Jamie . She , Mary , Peter , and Ben had decided together that , to prevent upset , and a lot of explanations , Catherine would simply be introduced as a new tunnel dweller . Rumors , however , had already been spread , mostly by Winslow and Pascal , that the new woman was insane , but Father planned to dispel these rumors by telling the community at dinner , that Catherine had been found after a nasty bump to the head , but was now okay . " Hmph , " okay " , yeah right , I 'll be okay when I 'm back in my own time ! " Catherine thought as she settled the clothes so graciously donated to her in the drawer . She had been on the receiving end of the tunnel dwellers ' hospitality before , but never like this , when she , like so many who came to the tunnels , had nothing to call her own . Things were given to her , without so much as a thought . This truly was a wonderful place . That wasn 't what she was expecting . Catherine hesitated . She was uncomfortable with revealing too much , especially the bit that he was her husband , but his question was innocent enough , and she knew good and well how insecure Vincent had always been . She wanted so much to really show this boy how much she , and everyone else loved him . " Well , it did surprise me at first , but not because I thought you . . . can we talk about the grown - up Vincent as another person ? I feel strange saying " you " . " Vincent nodded . " It wasn 't because I thought he was ugly , I had just never seen anyone like him before . As soon as the surprise wore off , I thought Vincent was the most beautiful man I had ever seen . " Catherine didn 't know that her eyes were getting that " far away " look , but as young as he was , Vincent saw it . " Does he love you ? " Catherine gasped . What a question for a kid to ask ! Then again , this was Vincent she was talking about . There was only one way to answer . " Yes . " " You did ? " Catherine asked . Vincent had told her that he had always thought things like marriage were impossible for him . Maybe that didn 't begin until he was older , at ten years old , he was too young and too innocent to think anything was impossible , but the fact that this little boy dreamed of things like marrying a nice lady warmed her heart . " You know , when I was a girl , I hoped I would marry Prince Charming , " Catherine took Vincent 's little chin tilted it up so that their eyes met . " And I did . " Vincent smiled , showing all his sharp little teeth . Catherine tousled his hair . " And don 't you ever think you deserve anything but the best , do you hear me ? Even though you did settle for me ! " " Vincent ? " Vincent turned toward the door . " I 'm in here , Winslow ! " A teenage Winslow peeked his head into the room . Catherine felt a sharp pang when she saw him , she missed Winslow terribly , and had always feel guilty for his death . Catherine was tempted to break the news to him that some things would never change , but she didn 't have the heart to discourage him . " So , doc , " she said to Peter . " Am I healthy ? Am I human ? " Peter rolled his eyes . " You really haven 't changed much . Yes , you 're fine , I knew you would be , but you know me , I worry . " For a second , she didn 't know why Father was so calm , but she remembered that he didn 't know who her husband was . " I 'm going to have a baby ? " she asked , her voice barely more than a squeak . Vincent 's baby ? Vincent 's baby ! Catherine squealed and jumped up , throwing her arms around Peter , and then Father . " I 'm having a baby ! Oh , wait til Vincent hears ! " Catherine chuckled , suddenly Peter and Father didn 't seem to be there . " That 's who I meant before , not that I 'm not glad you know too ! " That 's when it hit her , the connection she felt toward young Vincent , he made her think of the child she so desperately wanted to have , a child like Vincent . When she saw those eyes , and that face , on a child , her heart filled almost to bursting . She knelt down and scooped the boy into her arms . " I hope he 's just like you ! " " Can someone tell me what 's going on ? " Father demanded . " What do you mean , you hope your child looks like Vincent ? Why would it look like Vincent ? " Father stood stock - still . " I don 't know , I guess there is no reason . You 're a fine woman , Cathy , it 's just too bad I must wait so long to play with my grandchild ! " Catherine raised her eyebrows , surprised . She was expecting more of a battle , but then she remembered many of the events that had caused Father to restrict his son so much , hadn 't happened yet . If only she could stay , and keep them from happening , so that this sweet little boy would never have to go through all that pain , but she knew she had to find a way home , and she knew she had to find her husband ! Vincent entered the building and took Cathy by the hand , to lead her through the dark . They made their way to the basement , and Vincent pushed away an old refrigerator to reveal a hole in the wall , with a steel ladder leading down . Vincent got on the ladder first , then reached for Cathy , and descended slowly in front of her , holding a hand out lest she slip , but Cathy navigated the ladder easier than he did , and soon they were both on the ground . Vincent chuckled . Oh what a pushover he was going to be if he ever had a daughter ! A daughter , Vincent sighed inwardly . He and Catherine had discussed children , but he had always felt that maybe it wasn 't a very good idea , after all , what if the child turned out like him ? That thought didn 't seem to bother his wife in the least , but how could he pass his genetics to another ? How could he inflict upon a child all the limits he had been forced to live with ? The girl walking beside him , however , tugged on his heartstrings something fierce . He could almost imagine that she was Catherine 's daughter , not Catherine herself . What he wouldn 't give for a child just like Catherine , just like Cathy . Vincent felt a very tiny hand creep into his , he turned his head ever so slightly to look at Cathy through the corner of his eye ; she was walking silently , but her eyes were everywhere , shining the flashlight in every crevice , lest there be a monster there . Vincent resisted the urge to chuckle , she walked beside him holding his hand , and she was still afraid of monsters ? He curled his fingers around her hand and looked at her ; her eyes were drooping . " Are you sleepy ? " he asked . Vincent sighed . It was a little over a two hour walk from here , if they were walking at his pace , but she could never last that long , she must be exhausted enough as it was . Without a word , Vincent released her hand and knelt in front of her , facing away from her . " Hop on , " he said . Cathy giggled and wrapped her skinny little arms around his neck and he hoisted her up on his back , holding her legs . There , now he could walk faster , and she could rest . " Better ? " Catherine listened to the not - so - quiet exchange outside her chamber trying not to laugh out loud . She had already been awake a while , and had hardly been able to fall asleep the night before , unable to hold in her excitement . The knowledge that she was going to be a mother nearly overwhelmed the other , more urgent situation . " What was that ? " Lisa said , not missing the wink . She turned to Vincent with an accusing glare . " Are you keeping a secret from me ? " Lisa was only a little girl , Catherine couldn 't get out of her mind the pain she would someday put Vincent through . " Well , you see , " Catherine said , throwing the brat a bone . " Vincent told me earlier about you , he told how pretty you are . " " Ain 't gonna work on me , " Devin said , rolling his eyes . He looked at Catherine , and tilted his head foreword . " Hiya Cathy ! " Devin was lost a moment , blatantly staring . " Huh ? Oh , sorry , The Old Man 's looking for you , says it 's important . Catherine laughed had to bend slightly to loop an arm through his . " Don 't be silly ! I 'd love for you to hang out with me ! " Peter couldn 't enjoy the heartwarming scene , and when Catherine saw the pained , worried expression on his face , she stopped cold . " Peter ? Peter what 's wrong ? " Catherine thought a moment . " Oh , that 's right , that would have been just a few months ago . Yes , Peter , I was devastated . . . but I never ran away ! " " But how ? " Catherine said . " I would remember if I ran away ! " Vincent took her hand , trying to comfort her . Catherine squeezed his hand in acknowledgement . " If . . . if something happens to me here , what will happen to . . . me ? " " I do , " Vincent said . " But the Vincent who lives here now is only . . . well , your age . All the sentries see is an intruder , someone they don 't know . From where they are , hidden in the walls , I doubt any of them have even gotten a good look at me , otherwise they would be communicating that on the pipes . " Cathy was startled by Vincent 's sudden outburst , but obeyed immediately , pulling the hood down to cover his face . " What ? What 's wrong ? " Vincent didn 't know any of them at first , but finally recognize the man who spoke to be Pascal 's father , Ben , and the two younger men beside him were Steve and Mark , two teenagers who had left the tunnels years ago . " Who are you ? " Ben asked . The three men looked a little taken aback , as many people did when they heard Vincent 's soothing , yet powerful voice for the first time . Ben held up the torch and tried to see under the hood , but could only catch glimpses of shiny blue eyes . Ben looked at Cathy , noticing her for the first time , suspiciously . " What are your names ? " Catherine 's eyes went round as she acknowledged the girl for the first time . She looked at her , that was her face mirrored on that child , she remembered , she had seen the old pictures . Seeing young Vincent was a shock , and she had known all along that the child version of her was out there , but nothing could have prepared her for seeing it first - hand . Peter kissed her forehead . " Well , you 'll just have to say you 're sorry to your father , he 's . . . " Peter paused and looked at the man who had just spoken , he had to look up a ways , into a face he knew well , or at least he thought he knew it well . Cathy struggled with Peter to put her down , when he complied , she looked up at Catherine . " So , " she said . " You 're me ? " Catherine looked at the girl , then bent down to her level . " Weird , isn 't it ? " Cathy nodded vigorously . Catherine smiled . " How did you meet Vincent ? " Catherine grinned and looked at Vincent , who , listening to the conversation , grinned back . " Some things never change , " Catherine said wistfully . " Speaking of change , " Catherine stood up . " Father , where 's Vincent ? " Vincent tilted his head to one side . " No , " Catherine said . " Not you , sweetheart , little Vincent ? Father wasn 't he with you ? " Catherine furrowed her brow , a funny little voice inside her told her to " go find him ! He might need you ! " . What was it ? " Those maternal instincts must be kicking in , Wells , " she thought good - humoredly to herself . She just knew she was going to love being a mother ! " Maybe I should go to him . " " I 'm sure he 's fine , " Father said , but then he saw the look of determination and worry on the young woman 's face . How many times had he seen that face on Mary when she was tending the children ? " If one needed to find Vincent , the first place to look would be . . . " Catherine turned on her heel and headed back up the tunnel . Vincent turned to Cathy , and noticing her confused , rather lost expression , made a funny face he had already discovered made her laugh , which it did . " Shall we go , young lady ? " he asked , offering her his hand . " I just know you will like this place . " Vincent and Cathy , followed by Father made their way past a speechless Ben , and two boys who looked like they were about to faint . Peter went to stand by them . " I don 't even pretend to understand , " he said , patting Mark on the back . " Hey , what 's up , Buddy ? " Catherine asked , coming to sit by him . From here , she could hear music playing , Beethoven 's Moonlight Sonata . So like Vincent . Catherine squeezed his shoulders tight . She had worried already about getting too attached to him , knowing she would have to leave soon , but she hadn 't even thought about him missing her . She should have thought of that , now what ? " I know , I know , " she said . " I 'm really gonna miss you too . " " Okay , okay ! " Vincent said , holding up a hand to her mouth . " I get it already ! But I 'll still miss you ! " Catherine made to bite his hand , which he pulled away , making a shrieking noise , that with his already breaking voice , came out in a quack , making them both dissolve into laughter . " Just remember , " she said . " You 'll see me again , someday ! " " Well of course I 'll . . . " Catherine paused . " Actually , I don 't know , I don 't even know how any of this happened , I don 't even know if . . . " Catherine 's breath caught . " if I can get home ! " Catherine squeezed his shoulders again . The music came to an end , and the audience cheered , as another piece picked up . Catherine leaned her head on the wall , and closed her eyes to better listen to the music . Little Vincent looked up at her . " How did you know how to come here ? The only person who knows about this place is Father , and that 's only because he thinks he needs to know where I am every waking second . Not even Devin knows . " Catherine and Lil ' Vincent looked up to see Vincent standing at the entrance to the Music Chamber . Cathy stood at his side , craning her neck into the chamber and staring up at the grate overhead , enthralled . " Wow , where are we ? " she asked , voice full of awe . Lil ' Vincent fixed his eyes on her , and found he couldn 't take them off . Never had he seen such a pretty girl , not even Lisa was as pretty , although he could never tell her that ! " We 're under the concert stage , " he said , surprised he could even speak . " In Central Park . " " Really ? " Cathy said , looking at him for the first time . " My parents have taken me to concerts here for as long as I can remember ! And I never knew this was here ! " signs of shock , or fear , or even acknowledgment of his differences . This girl greeted him like he was any other boy . " Hi , " he said , his voice breaking into a squeak . Catherine giggled , covering her mouth , but somehow Lil ' Vincent knew she wasn 't teasing him , and he laughed with her . " Hi , " Vincent said . " You know , I ran into Devin on the way here , and boy , was he surprised . The first thing he said once the shock wore off was , " Dang , you got TALL ! " " " Hey , " Vincent said . " Vincent , try not to let names like that bother you , they don 't bother me anymore ! Catherine has showed me at it 's okay that I 'm different . " " Yeah , " Catherine said putting a hand on Vincent 's chest . " I actually prefer the way he looks . I wouldn 't change him for the world ! " " Sir Meows - a - lot isn 't that bad of a name , " Cathy said . " I 've been called worse , try Rich Brat ! " Catherine groaned . " Besides , " Cathy flashed the very beginnings of a flirtatious smile . " You look like a knight in shining armor to me ! " Vincent sighed . He was enjoying this time with these children , and hated to see in come to an end , but it was getting late . " Cathy , it 's is getting dark out , your father is very worried about you , we need to get you home . " Cathy frowned . " He 's right , " Catherine said . " I 'm sure daddy 's worried sick . Why did you run away , anyway ? " Cathy slumped her shoulders against the wall . " Ever since mommy died , daddy doesn 't smile anymore , and he doesn 't talk much either . We moved out of the house and into an apartment , we got all new furniture , not the ones my mommy liked so much . It 's like he 's trying to forget her . But I don 't wanna forget ! I want to remember Mommy always ! I want the paintings she loved on the walls , I want to play Go - Fish like she liked to do , " Cathy curled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them , ducking her head down between them . " I want to wear the dress she made me ! " " Oh sweetie , " Catherine said softly , making to stand up to sit beside her , but Lil ' Vincent caught on and immediately jumped up to sit on Cathy 's other side . Catherine scooted over to put an arm around the little girl . " I know it 's hard , I remember when Dad was like that , and it hurt . But you know what ? I promise it doesn 't last long , this is just his way of grieving . He 'll realize soon , that he doesn 't really want to forget either , but sometimes it 's just too hard to keep certain things in the house that remind a person so much of the one they 've lost . Do you want me to tell you what I did ? " Cathy raised her tear - streaked face and nodded . " I talked to Dad about it , it was hard for him , and for me , but it was something we needed to do . After that , he hung some of Mom 's favorite paintings in my room , and we started playing Go - Fish once a week . " " Come on , tell him ! " Vincent pleaded . " Yeah ! I wanna know ! " Cathy yelled too loudly , causing them all to shush her . Luckily the music was still playing . Catherine turned slightly so she was facing him , and took his hands in her own . " Vincent , darling , while I was here , Peter wanted to examine me a bit , he told me he just wanted to be sure that , however this happened , it didn 't cause me harm , but I think he just wanted to be sure I 'm human , " Cathy and Lil ' Vincent giggled , Catherine turned around to playfully hush them , and turned back to Vincent . " He took a blood sample , and came back with some . . . interesting news . " " What ? " Vincent asked anxiously , nearly rising from the ground in anticipation and worry , at times like this he was usually pacing . He fought the urge to do that now . " Aren 't you ? " Lil ' Vincent asked . " I am , and so is Catherine , you should have seen the way she jumped all around when Peter told her ! " Vincent looked at the two children crouched in front of him , both eyeing him with concern . He worried about many things when it came to the subject of children ; uppermost , he worried that the child would look like him . Vincent 's eyes traveled to his younger self . What did he see ? Was what he saw ugly ? No , not ugly at all , in fact , if Vincent could say so himself , the child was beautiful . Would having a child like this boy be so bad ? Vincent then looked at little Cathy , the girl who had so easily stolen his heart , and wrapped him so tightly around that little finger . He imagined perhaps having a daughter , even if she looked like him , she would have part of Catherine in her too , and would maybe be like her . He realized then , how much he truly wanted a child , how much more since he met Cathy , and suddenly , the chamber wasn 't big enough to contain his joy . " I 'm sorry , " Vincent said . " I was just so surprised , but I can 't believe it ! We 're going to have a child ! This is wonderful ! " " Let me see ! " Cathy exclaimed , wiggling to make Vincent put her down . She darted over to Lil ' Vincent . " Wow , what is it ? Is it a camera ? " " Take a picture ! " Cathy squealed , throwing an arm around Lil ' Vincent . " Take one of us ! " Lil ' Vincent looked at her uncertainly , but followed her example and wrapped an arm around her shoulder as well . When big Vincent grinned wide and goofy at them , both kids broke out into an uproar , Lil ' Vincent nearly tipping over , pulling Cathy with him , as their arms were still looped around each other 's shoulders . Catherine raised the camera to her face . " Say Cheese ! " Catherine bolted upright in bed . She looked around her , that old mixture of confusion and fear kicking in again . She looked to her side to see Vincent sitting beside her , looking just as baffled as she felt . They both looked around the chamber , it was their chamber ! Catherine noted the clothes tossed carelessly on the floor from the night before , she checked what she was wearing ; Vincent 's shirt , what she remembered putting on . " Because it wasn 't real ! " Catherine sobbed . " Perhaps in a way it was , " Vincent said , wrapping his arm around her and pulling her to him . " For us , anyway . It sure seemed real . Darling , we had to wake up eventually ! " " I know , " Catherine said , her voice slightly muffled in his chest . " But . . . but we never even got to say goodbye to . . . " Even though she knew now it was never real , she couldn 't stop herself from imagining herself suddenly gone , and never telling Lil ' Vincent goodbye , after the heartbreaking conversation they had about missing one another . How could none of that been real ? " I don 't know , " Vincent said . " But even if not now , Catherine , soon ! I want to have a baby now , I 'm not afraid anymore ! " " Running away ! " Catherine squealed . " Before , I swear Vincent , I had never run away , but now it 's like . . . I don 't know , it 's like I 've remembered something I forgot , but now I can remember it all so vividly ! I ran away because I couldn 't take all the sadness anymore , I hopped on a bus , I meant to go to Connecticut , where my Grandma lived , but I had never ridden a bus before , and didn 't understand the bus schedule , I got off in Brooklyn . " " But it happened ! " Catherine said , trying to cheer him up . " It wasn 't real before , but now it is ! Vincent , maybe that means . . . " Vincent sat in Father 's study , playing a game of chess . He couldn 't bring himself to tell Father about the dream , it was just too unbelievable , although he decided he must tell him , someday . Father had noticed his son 's restlessness . " Vincent , is everything okay ? " " Fine ? " Father asked . " Look at you , you can barely sit still , and you 've hardly said a word all day . Where is Catherine ? I thought today was her day off . " " Fine ! " Vincent said , with a bit of a growl . He could feel Catherine returning , and he knew she had gotten news , but had promptly shut down on the bond , so he was indeed , restless . Just then , Catherine turned the corner into Father 's study and walked down the steps . Vincent stood up fast , knocking the chair over in the process . He couldn 't make himself ask the question he was burning to ask , too afraid of the answer . Catherine 's expression was calm , neutral , not a hint of emotion , and the bond was giving him nothing . His heart sank . " Well ? " he asked , barely able to croak the word . " Yes ! " Vincent shouted to the top of his lungs , making Father jump out of his seat . Vincent flew over to Catherine and was met halfway . He picked her up and swung her around , then roared happily . Catherine laughed as the tears she 'd been choking back , along with her emotions , since Peter had given her the good news , fell unheeded down her cheeks . " Deja Vu ! " she giggled , as Vincent continued to spin . " You want Deja Vu ? " Vincent asked playfully , and leaned in to kiss Catherine with all the love and passion he felt for her . Vincent and Catherine looked at Father as if until then , they hadn 't known he was there . Vincent , smile permanently glued to his face and eyes , turned toward Father and wrapped his arm snuggly around his beloved wife . " Father , " he said , glanced at Catherine , then back again . " Catherine and I are going to have a baby ! " Vincent and Catherine rushed to him and allowed themselves to each be wrapped up in a bearhug . Father kissed his daughter - in - law 's cheek . " What news ! We must announce it to the community tonight at dinner ! " " I 'm here , " Vincent said , sitting at the table , a book opened in front of him . " Hello , darling , I missed you today . How was work ? " Vincent chuckled and pulled Catherine into his lap . " Old grump , am I ? " he buried his face in her hair and nipped at her ear , making her squirm and giggle . " Oh , they 're around here someplace , those children are always on the move ! " " We 're right here , Dad ! " Jacob said , twisting into the chamber , much in the way his mother always did . He reached around his father to hug Catherine 's shoulders . " Hi , Mom , how was your day ? " Right on cue , Caroline came barreling in , wincing at her father 's glare , she knew better then to run through the tunnels . Although she and Jacob were twins , they looked nothing alike . While Jacob shared his father 's features , Caroline was image of her mother , except with startling blue eyes and a halo of golden hair . " Hi Mommy ! " she exclaimed , then took in the sight of her mother draped across her father 's lap , and rolled her eyes . " Come on , get a room ! " " Give it up , " Jacob told his sister . " They 're never gonna stop bein ' mushy ! " Even though he always agreed with Caroline , Jacob really didn 't mind too much seeing his parents show their affection for one another , they loved each other , and loved their children , and that 's what mattered , and he knew for a fact that secretly , Caroline didn 't really mind either . Caroline rolled her eyes again , and tried not to smile . Her parents were so silly . " Mom , Dad , can Jacob and I go on the camping trip to the lower tunnels next weekend with Geoffrey , Samantha , Kipper , Jamie , Mouse and the rest ? Please ? " Vincent struggled to keep his composure . He was quite powerless against Caroline 's certain breed of begging . He looked at Catherine , silently pleading with her with his eyes . " What do you think , Catherine ? " " Coming ! " Caroline called to her brother 's retreating back . She turned back to her parents , and swung her legs up to Vincent , sitting on the knee not occupied by her mother . " Thank you ! " she said , reaching over to hug Catherine . She turned to Vincent and threw her arms around him , kissing his cheek . " Thank you , Daddy , " she said sweetly . " Who do they remind you of , hm ? " Catherine asked with a grin . " Speaking of reminding , our helper up at the photoshop developed our pictures ! " " These are lovely , " Vincent said , stopping at one . It was a photograph of the four of them , Jacob in front of Catherine , her arms around his shoulders , and Caroline in Vincent 's arms , long legs dangling down . All four smiled brightly . " Isn 't that one beautiful ? " Catherine said , looking over his shoulder , she placed their photo album of the children on the table . " I thought that one should go in the book ! " " I agree , " Vincent said , taking the picture and turned the pages of the album to an empty page . When he stopped , the page to the right was empty , but the page to the left held a single picture . " Catherine ? " he asked . " I don 't remember this picture of the twins , did you put it here ? " Catherine came back and looked over his shoulder again . She looked down at the photograph of Jacob and Caroline , standing side - by - side , arms around each other , grinning wide . But wait , there was something different about it . Catherine gasped . " Vincent , " she said quietly , uncertainly . " Look at that picture , do you notice anything wrong ? " " Then who . . . " Vincent froze and looked into his wife 's eyes . A memory flashed before both their minds , a memory as if from a dream , the dark chamber , a flash of brilliant white light , and the echoes of children 's voices , no , their voices , yelling , " cheese ! "
|
Three posts have been about our new dog , which leaves me hoping you don 't have the wrong idea . My blog will not turn into a blog devoted to our dog - I promise . For that matter , our lives will not be devoted to our dog , because , as much as I love our dog and as much as I laugh at some of the things he does , he is still our pet and will be treated thus . I have been reading How to be the Pack Leader by Cesar Milan . He talks about treating our dogs as dogs , not people . Our dogs are happier to be dogs , not people . And Hubs and I talked about it , too . Ransom is not our child , he is our dog . We love having him , but our life does not suddenly revolve around him . But man , he does bring some fun to our lives ! So I want to assure you that this blog will continue to be a rambling of my thoughts , the events of our life , and whatever else gets added in along the way . I 'm sure some stories and pictures of Ransom will be included at times . On that note , you will notice the poll on my blog is about to end . I hope you will vote if you haven 't already , and even more , I hope you will be willing to share your thoughts tomorrow . At 4 : 30am this morning , I woke up to Ransom barking . Just as I did at 2 : 30am when he was barking , I turned over and ignored it . Then , I heard a loud THUD and I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter . I thought he might have knocked his crate over or something . I walked into the living room and could see Ransom 's crate right next to the sliding glass door . Odd , I thought . His crate was in the opposite corner when we put him there last night . As I got closer , I realized that Ransom 's head and front legs were out of the crate . Ransom had chewed a hole in the plastic wall of his crate and got his head and front legs out , but was high - centered and completely stuck . In what must have been a very awkward and uncomfortable position , his tail still thumped hard when he saw me . I sat down and calmed him down a bit and then decided to get the top of the crate off to see if I could help him get out . After doing that I realized there was no way . So , I woke up Hubs who was just as surprised as I was . There was nothing we could do but shake our heads and chuckle . Hubs also assessed the situation and there was no way to force him through . Hubs went to get his hacksaw and Ransom struggled some more , almost cracking the plastic enough to free himself . It was then that I ran for my camera . Hubs was able to free him by sawing through the plastic that held him there . Ransom had rubbed his belly raw , though , and seems to have a sore on the inside of one of his back legs . We have no idea how he was able to put his head and front legs through this hole . The tag on the box says strong and durable and ideal for retrievers . Do they know retrievers reputation for chewing ? Anyways , Ransom didn 't eat ALL that plastic . He left a nice pile for me to clean up . Ransom slept in our room , on the floor , for the rest of the night and was as happy as could be . If we keep fighting this , we could burn through a lot of money on new crates . Posted by . . . of Ransom 's teeth . Ransom has yet to get real excited about the toys we have bought for him . Every once in a while , he demonstrates the very slightest bit of excitement , but for the most part he likes to sleep . He seemed to like another dog 's toys , so we even tried to bring her toys over to see if he would play . It worked for a few minutes and then he was back to his bone . Last night , Hubs and I got him interested in his stuffed rabbit . He chased it around for a while , then he caught it and started chewing . In less than 20 seconds , Ransom had successfully de - eared the stuffed bunny . The bunny never had a chance against those crazy sharp teeth . On further examination of the ears , we noticed that Ransom teeth cut one ear off with the precision of scissors . Those teeth are not to be messed with . Can you imagine if he got a hold of my shoes ? It makes me cringe . When it come to people fingers , however , Ransom has a very soft mouth and never tries to bit us , even during the few times he 's played . Keep your head up though , because he is known to give some very wet kisses . This is only a small sampling of what those teeth can accomplish , as we would find out hours later as we were sound asleep . . . Remember graduation day and how tiring it was ? The day after was also eventful . I woke up with just enough time to put clothes on and drive to meet mom , dad , and my brother for breakfast at 9am . I was still tired exhausted . Hubs 's truck was in the shop , so he went to pick it up only to find out it wasn 't actually fixed yet . After a quick phone call , I got my brother to come pick me up for breakfast and gave Hubs my keys . After breakfast , mom and I went to run some errands while Jake and dad also ran some errands . While mom and I were out , we thought , Did Dad pay for breakfast ? Another quick phone call confirmed that he did not and it was back to the restaurant to pay for our meal . Dad and Mom took off for Kansas a little while later and Jake took me home . As I am getting out of his car , I pick up a cell phone . Is this yours ? I ask . Nope , it is Dad 's cell phone and they had left 30 minutes ago . We call mom ; her phone is turned off . So , I had remembered that they wanted to stop by Menard 's before they left town and we drove there to see if they were still there . As we walk up to our parents , they are not at all surprised to see us . They just start talking to us like normal . Are you guys forgetting anything ? I ask . No , I don 't think so . Are we ? Have you gotten any phone calls since you left ? The light clicks on . By now it is about 1pm and I am barely awake . We get back to the apartment . It was then that I realized I gave Hubs my keys so that he could use the car , but I didn 't think to take off the key to the apartment . To make matters worse , my phone is about to die so I send off a quick text to Hubs : I am locked out . I have to pee . I am tired . Phone is dying . My phone shuts off . Not that there is really anything he can do . He usually has his phone off while golfing and I am not expecting him until between 2 and 2 : 30 . I just happened to have some books I borrowed from a friend before Jake dropped me off , so I start reading under a tree . At 3 : 30pm , Hubs pulls up . By now , I am sick - to - my - stomach with exhaustion . I go upstPosted by This is Ransom , the newest member of our family . We adopted Ransom last night from the local animal shelter and he is so happy to be home with us . ' Last Sunday Hubs and I visited Ransom at the shelter and we were attached , but still a little unsure if we should adopt . We put in our application and waited for the call to say he could come home with us . When we went in to make our final decision , we immediately knew that he was meant for us . So far , Ransom has been a great dog . He loves bones , treats , and loving ; and , he has yet to jump up on us or bark at a stranger . He has a very laid - back personality . We are still trying to get him to play with toys , but he loves to chase the rabbits in our yard . Today we took Ransom to meet some of his new friends . He wasn 't interested in playing with them or in the water like his friends were . He is a little timid , but probably just overwhelmed . Since he is new to the name ransom , we will have some work in getting him used to his name . Ransom also went to the vet today and checked out as a very healthy 1 - 2 year old Lab mix . He weighed in at 60 pounds and charmed the people working there . We are purposely trying to wear him out today so that he will , hopefully , sleep through the night . We are so excited about our new pet . He loves us for saving him , and we love him for making our lives a little more fun ! I will start posting dog - stories and hopefully I will actually take some pictures with our camera instead of my phone ! Help : Since I have been blogging on my new mac , I cannot figure out why the pictures won 't get bigger when you click on them . Any suggestions ? In my mind I had thought of this day often . I had it planned in my head as a simple day spent with those who had been close to us throughout the past four years . As I thought about it , I always shook my head , laughing because it was so far away and I had plenty of time to plan . As May 8th , 2009 drew closer , time was flying by . As much as I wanted the minutes to slow down , it was here before I knew it . I thought about doing a play - by - play of the day , BORING . So , instead , you are getting pictures from the day . Hubs had a lot of awards read after his name . He worked very hard for this day , and he made it to the end ! Hubs and I shared very few moments that day . This was one of them . Hubs and his parents after the ceremony . After the ceremony , we had a wonderful time with family and friends . So many people came out to congratulate us and , some to say good - bye . Me , with my mom and dad . I was exhausted by 7 : 30am , so by the time this picture was taken at 3 : 30pm , I was struggling . No worries , Dad got coffee pumping through my veins 30 minutes later . We had a party to host ! We had issues finding a cake . This one came all the way from Kansas City and it was yummy ! I bought this toothbrush for Hubs 2 years ago and he didn 't see it until that day . Now it is in his office at work , just in case little kids misbehave . Remember these ? Each chocolate sucker had our new address attached . Each person got to take one home with them . These little creations were my favorite part of the day . They are white chocolate mint dentures ! It was a great day to have fun and celebrate with family and friends . Posted by So , I called the non - emergency police . Although it was an emergency in my book , I figured 9 - 1 - 1 had more important calls to take . I told them my car was missing , that no , I had paid all my previous parking tickets , and no , I wasn 't parked illegally . They checked my car make and model against their tow records and my car did not come up . A police officer was on his way . Like any other nervous , stressed - out , emotionally - charged wife , I called Hubs and left a message on his phone : Hi Babe , it 's me . Um , could you call me as soon as you get this ? I think my car has been stolen . Bye . It was 2 minutes later that I would learn my lesson about calling the Hubs before knowing the exact details . The police called me back . Sure enough , my car had been towed . My dear friend was gracious enough to wake up her daughter and drive me to the city impound lot . Not only did I get to pay the $ 53 to have my car back , but I also found a $ 20 ticket on my car for " obstructing a private drive . " What ? I 'm pretty sure if there was a driveway I would have noticed it and I would not have parked in front of it . As I look at the tow receipt I realize that my car was towed at 11 : 15am , just 20 minutes after I parked . I also remember hearing people inside of the house I parked in front of . Did they seriously call to have my car towed minutes after I parked there instead of just coming outside and politely asking me to move ? So , I went back to the place where I parked to investigate - ignoring the fact that I should be at home packing - and this is what I saw . Above you see the sidewalk , then some random gravel , leading to a solid wooden fence . The picture doesn 't quite give you the perspective , but the area is only about 10 - feet long . Not really what I would call a " private drive . " I actually thought it was probably once a driveway to a house , then they built a parking lot , put up this fence , and never tore out the old driveway to put in new grass . Like I said , not really the type of neighborhood with pristine lawn care . My friend actually has a place tPosted by It was the day before we were packing up the truck . Hubs and I were out running last - minute errands , separately . I was running to my friend 's house to return the books I had borrowed , then to Target , then home to finish packing before supper at our in - laws ( they were nice enough to feed us since I had dropped off all our remaining edible food on my college - aged brother ) . My friend lives near the college , so a lot of student park in her neighborhood . I happened to find an empty spot big enough for even me to attempt to parallel park , and at 10 : 55am I was walking up her doorstep , proud that I had gotten in the spot in only one try . We talked for a while and then I realized it was 12 : 10pm and must get going . When is time every going to slow down ? I thought to myself as I walked back to my car . Then I realized something was very wrong . My car was gone . Okay Feather , this isn 't happening . Are you sure this was where you parked ? Yes , I remember this house , and that silver Grand Am , and that wooden fence . Panic started to set in . Sweat started to drip . Where is my car ? I tried to think . I looked at my empty spot and knew there was no reason for my car to be towed . I walked back to my friend 's house and knocked on her door . My car is gone . My friend said , Are you sure ? Are you sure that is where you parked ? After I assured her that I wasn 't going crazy , she said , Feather , this isn 't a great neighborhood . I mean there are drug deals and gun shots frequently . To be continued . . . We are very thankful for our new home . God provided the perfect place for us right now . So , when I saw it for the first time it was better than I even expected . We had an amazing amount of help to unpack and organize . Before I knew what was happening , the kitchen was unpacked . Some people started on the office , while others worked on getting the laundry room set up . Everyone was great and we had the majority of things done before the day was over . Now that everything is put away , let me give you a quick tour : This is our living room . The sliding glass doors lead into a sunroom , which is empty right now . We are still working on deciding how to use that room . When you think of me blogging , picture me here . Hubs and I share this office . It is big and spacious and I spend a lot of time here . This is our bedroom . It is nice to have a room big enough for our king bed AND other pieces of furniture . And , this is the kitchen . Not much to say about that . And this is my favorite room because this is where you will stay when you come to visit . Keep that in mind . Three weeks ago today , we moved to Kansas and yesterday we took the final step to make it official . Somehow having new license plates on your car gives more finality to the move . My little neon felt very comfortable in her new plate , since she was born in with Kansas plates . The Dakota will take a little longer to get used to the change . However , I think his new license plate looks very nice . I didn 't realize that you get a new title when you change your license plates . I knew I got a Nebraska title when I moved there , but I thought it was just because I added Hubs . Anyways , back to the moving story . . . I woke with plenty of time to get ready for our caravan drive to our new home . It takes Hubs and I exactly four hours ( with no stops ) , but I knew that it would take longer today . My family was at our new home waiting for us to arrive . They had graciously planned to be there and clean the house so that we could move right in as well as have lunch ready for us ( very important ) . Little did I know what a blessing this would be . At 7 : 50am , my bag was waiting outside to be re - packed in the truck and for us to be on our way . I was the leader of the caravan in my neon , packed to the brim with stuff . Hubs 's mom followed in Hubs 's truck , also packed fully . Behind her was Hubs in the U - haul , who was followed by Hubs 's dad in his truck , which was also packed full . Pulling up the rear was Hubs 's sister and brother - in - law . We left shortly after 8am and headed on our way . Our first task was to maneuver through 45 miles of I - 80 traffic with all of us staying together , going 75 mph . Now that I think back , it really wasn 't imperative for us to all stay together since we were meeting up at a gas station , but we ended up together much to all other travellers ' chagrin . We weren 't 15 minutes into the trip when I notice a turn signal behind me telling me to get off on the next exit . Apparently , our grill lid was about to fly away . This was stop # 1 . Stop # 2 was less than 30 more minutes later . Potty & coffee break . Stop # 3 was less than 30 morPosted by Three weeks ago today was our last day living in this state : We woke up early and took care of some business at the County attorney 's office ( oh , have I not told you that story yet ? ) and then picked up the U - haul . When my brother showed up around noon , we began the grueling task of taking all the boxes and furniture from our 3rd floor apartment and loading them onto the 17 - foot - long U - haul . It was hot , but we were very thankful for the elevator . As more wonderful helpers arrived , our apartment became more bare and my mother - in - law and I began cleaning , a task I am never thrilled about . Soon , I heard rumors that the U - haul was full and there was still more stuff . Where had it all be hiding ? I have no clue . We filled up another car and two more trucks . As quickly as we had begun , the task was over . Our friends had left and I was alone in our very first apartment . Our home for the past 3 years was completely empty , yet so many memories flooded my thoughts . I don 't know if it was the heat , the exhaustion , or the yucky smell from the self - cleaning oven that I had just remembered to turn on , but the tears came and they weren 't to be stopped . I sat in the corner of our bedroom and cried . Hubs soon came to find me and we got ready to leave and spend the night at his parent 's home . We were planning to leave at 8am sharp the next morning and we were both mentally and physically weary . We fell into bed that night and slept soundly until the alarm went off . I woke up with renewed excitement and energy . Today I would see our new home . Today would start a new journey of our lives . Posted by I went to my new dentist today for a basic cleaning and check - up . My new dentist is pretty cute . I think he kinda likes me . The waiting room was packed when I got there because it was the first appointment slot of the day . Thankfully , no one recognized me in the picture on the wall . One of the real benefits of going to the dentist is that there is cable TV in every room . So , I watched HGTV the entire time . It was a good visit , but my dentist is making me come back in later this month for some sealants and a few small fillings . Cute as he is , I could find other ways that I prefer to spend time with him . I 'm looking forward to seeing my dentist again . Boy am I glad I don 't have to wait until my next appointment to see him . This morning after Hubs left for work , I headed off for my morning run . I had these high hopes of running every morning after Hubs leaves . This morning , I realized there might be a flaw in my plan . It was about 7 : 30am and before I even started my run , my shirt was damp . Why ? Because it was already over 80 degrees outside . Considering it only June and the temperature will continue to rise over the next 2 months , I will need to run at midnight so that I do not overheat when working out . Membership to the Y , here I come ! If only we had some shave ice to cool down with . Shave ice , not to be confused with shaved ice , is a local Hawaiian treat . You can get it plain , or our personal favorite , with ice cream on the bottom . And there are so many flavors to choose from . . . not just lime , grape , and cherry . Flavors like pineapple , mango , papaya , and lilikoi . The best shave ice is sold in small , local grocery stores along the North Shore . And our favorite store was Aoki 's . It 's about $ 2 . 25 for a shave ice with ice cream on the bottom . An expensive little treat to cool you down and hit the spot . I 'm telling you , there just isn 't anything quite like it on the mainland . At Aoki 's they have flavor combinations to choose from , or you can make up your own . Hubs got the mainland special . The plastic cup is $ . 25 extra , but oh so worth it . Otherwise , you only get a flimsy paper cone . My choice was The Volcano , which consists of Lilikoi ( passion fruit ) , Banana , and and bit of Strawberry over the top . It was awesome . I 've successfully made myself desperate for a cool treat . There is a shaved ice stand in town . Meet you there in 10 minutes ! There 's a place in town that is locally known for their shakes . I hear they have great hamburgers too , but my eyes are only tuned into the board with over 100 flavors of shakes when I am there . I constantly find many reasons to celebrate anything and everything with a Bogey 's shake . We 've lived here 17 days ? We better go get a shake . The lawn is mowed ? That deserves a Bogeys . We got the Internet ? Let 's celebrate with a shake ! Naturally , I knew that the Hubs first day at the office should be celebrated with a shake . So , all day I anticipated it . I stayed away from the snacks in the cupboard , even after I knew Hubs would be home late , filling in for a golf league . I even ate a smaller portion at dinner , saving plenty of room for my raspberry chocolate chip shake . Or , would I get a blueberry chocolate chip this time . All this was on my mind when the sirens sounded . At that time I was loudly reminded that we live in Kansas and that it is storm season . Wasn 't it bright and sunny this afternoon ? We went to inspect the weather for ourselves , of course . It looked dark , with a yellowish hue . The wind was picking up each moment . You probably would expect people to seek the comfort of the basement , right ? If we had one , we might have . Instead , we hopped in the truck that does not actually fit in the garage and headed over to Hubs 's office where there is both protection for the truck under a carport , protection for us in a basement , and lots of TVs , with cable . It 's so fun to drive around while everyone on the radio screams that the last place to be is on the road in your car . We made it and watch lots of debris fly around outside . We got comfortable and watched the weather channels until it was safe to go home . Now , we can just drive by Bogeys on our way home , I thought , and got excited again . Due to some power outages and trees down , we took the long way . There were clean - up crews out trying to make street maneuverable . Then , I realized the sad truth . Bogeys was without power ; actually the whole block was without power and theThe Feather Files While on the beach , we saw some very skilled swimmers . Hubs has gotten into swimming for exercise and wished he had brought along a pair of goggles so he could go out and experience some open water swimming . Swimming without goggles in moving water would be less than fun . As these swimmers finished and were walking past us , they stopped to chat about the books we were reading and let us know that a book festival was going on . Hubs took the opportunity to ask how far they had swam . Swimmer ( think of an island way of speaking ) : Aw , just down to the pipeline and back , man . Going out was great , but coming back was tough . Hubs : How far is that ? Swimmer : A mile there . A mile back . Ya know . Hubs : Wow . Hey , do you know where in town I could buy a pair of goggles ? I forgot to pack mine . Swimmer : Here . Take mine . Hubs : What ? Really ? Swimmer : Oh yeah , just take these . Actually , come with me . I 'll getcha a different pair . Hubs followed the swimmer to his car and found out that he was a swim coach . They talked a while and then he offered Hubs his nicer pair and told him to have fun and " hang loose . " He probably had no idea what an impact those free goggles made on us . They will constantly be a reminder that our stuff is to be used for reaching out to others . The mindset that we want to use all of our stuff that God has given us for his purpose . Whether it is giving it away or sharing it . Those goggles will continue to remind us to not grasp our things but to hold them out with an open palm . Later , we drove into the surfing town looking for some lunch . We saw that swimmer again and he yelled out , " Go Big Red " as a greeting and then helped us find the best restaurant for lunch . It takes so little effort to be nice to others and help them feel welcome . . . yet , how often do we remain in our shells and our comfort zones ? Posted by For the past 3 years , each time Hubs needs a haircut , he always says , I should just buzz my hair . Think how easy that would be ! There are many pros and cons . You have no idea what sort of weird bumps may be on your skull that your hair was neatly covering up . You have no idea if you will look older or younger . But you are sure that 1 ) it will be low - maintenance and 2 ) it feels really cool . I have been encouraging him to do it just so he knew what it would be like . And , on Saturday , he finally did it . Before : Most of the process was done outside where clean up is much easier . We went inside to trim around the neck and ears . And here 's the final result . I had no idea what to expect . I was prepared for anything , and it turned out well ! No odd bumps or anything and I don 't think he looks all that younger . It is a cheap haircut . It is a simple , quick process . And , the best part : Hubs loves it ! ! Posted by Hubs and I love the North Shore of O ' ahu . It is calm and peaceful in the summer months . The water is clear and the ocean floor is soft sand . It was for this reason that we went to the North Shore on our last day in Hawai ' i . Waimea Bay has some of the largest waves in the winter months . We had only seen it calm and peaceful , though . So calm , that we were able to do some rock jumping on our previous trip . Planning to enjoy the crystal clear water , we knew it would be a great way to say " good - bye " to the beautiful island . When we got there , the waves were like this : Signs were being posted around the beach alerting us that there was a short shore - break and being in the water was pretty dangerous . People still ventured on in , though , and soon we did too . I preferred being out past where the waves were breaking . It was safer and I still got a thrill floating up and down with the rocking of the sea . But , it was getting back to shore that was the hard part . As hard as you swam back , the ocean kept pulling you back further . It took a long time and so we decided to stay closer to the shore where you could dive through the waves as they broke . Getting out of the water was hard and when I was finally ready to chill on the beach , I started the process . The under current was very strong and it pulls back all the sand and water it can from the shore to build up behind the wave and then turns over and crashes on the ocean floor like in the picture above . Timing is everything . And , unfortunately , I decided to get out at the wrong time . I was pulled back with the water and sand and waited a second to long to dive through the building wave . Instead , I was pulled up into the wave and thrown back against the hard sand floor . Head spinning , and back aching , I struggled to try and crawl to get away . I searched for Hubs and it was too late . I was being pulled into another wave and I surrendered to its power , praying that I would not get too disoriented in the toss and that I would not land on my neck . Once I could breathe again , I rushed to be free from the punishment . I could feel my hair was everywhere , but I was shaky uncontrollably . I saw Hubs tackling the waves to try and get to me . I was pretty sure I wasn 't hurt , just shaken . As Hubs came up , he evaluated the situation and noticed that not only my hair was a mangled mess , but my swimsuit as well . In fact , the entire beach was getting to witness more of me than I normally would allow . As he adjusted for me , I calmed down and heard the lifeguard come over the loud speaker with an announcement : Good morning folks . Welcome to Waimea Bay . As yoPosted by Hello to the blogging world . You can call me Feather . I am very glad you have stopped by . For the past year 14 months I have been blogging on the random events of our life . Recently , I have been mia and am happy to re - start my blog by providing an introduction to what the feather files are all about . I am a 25 year old wife of almost three years . I write all of my own posts . After a few weeks of reading other blogs , I knew this was a hobby that I would get hooked on . I communicate better through written words and I have too many thoughts in my head for one person . Hubs is my best friend and ( surprise ) my husband of 3 years . He works hard and loves the Lord just as I do . He is more rational than I , and we even each other out in so many ways He will be a vital part of this blog because he is a vital part of my life . Hubs just graduated from dental school and so we ended one adventure to start a new one , in a new town . We live in the midwest with huge skies , flat prairies and lots of wheat , but at heart I prefer tall trees , rolling hills and cool lakes . I can 't promise much about what you will find on my blog . It may be funny at times , rarely it will be serious . There will be detailed stories and personal opinions . I can promise you a random selection of topics , pictures , and posts . Whether you are a family / friend checking to see what is going on in our life or you are a new person just browsing through , I would love to hear from you - from a simple hello to the beginnings of a discussion , please comment ! Welcome to the feather files ! is ordered ! And I am so excited . We ordered a new iMAC and I am so excited for multiple reasons . A . It is pretty dang cool . The guy at the apple store showed me some of the cool stuff it does and to top it off he told me I could order the extended keyboard for no additional price , which sold it for me . As a former and devote PC user , I was a littler nervous at first . Not only do I love my PC , but I am an anti - mouse user . I navigate mostly with key commands and was very worried about whether my efficiency would decline by switching to a MAC . But , I could not deny how much better a MAC computer is in the long run over a PC and am sure that I am a quick enough learner that I will succeed on a MAC and I will love it ! I already do and I don 't even have it yet ! B . I will be able to blog again . I have really missed you guys . C . School is in sight for me and I will be taking my classes online . This computer lets me do that . D . Antenna TV goes buh - bye in a few days and this will be my one and only connection to news , sports , and weather . See you soon - next time on my new computer ! Welcome to the randomness of our life . We continually wonder what God has in store for us . Currently , we are in Missouri - a place neither of us planned on living . Hubs is a full - time student of orthodontics and I work full - time . I quickly became addicted to blogging ; and now I write about whatever pops into my mind . Please leave comments so I know you stopped by ! I 'm 8 years a wife & over 30 years a daughter . Typical oldest sister of two younger brothers means I can tend to be bossy and I hate being wrong about anything ! I think of myself as the favorite aunt of 2 adorable nieces . Most important , though , a born again believer in Christ . I enjoy reading and the outdoors , coffee and tea . I love to travel and explore , especially with Hubs and my floppy - eared dog . I love to make goals , but I am easily side - tracked . Serious conversations tend to make me cry .
|
The KyKy House in Fayetteville , North Carolina was investigated from Feb . 2007 until May of 2009 . This is probably the most intriguing of all the investigation to date . This investigation had / has everything you as an investigator would want and more . Edna , Gen , Mary , Pam and I ( Hector ) have been working this case like no other and we are not done by any means . This is a classic case of the people moving out , a thousand miles away and the spirits followed them . Now , please do not misunderstand me , these are good spirits and very , very protective . We have seen them , talked with them , gotten names and how they died . Some of the things in this report are going to be very hard to believe but let me affirm you , they did happen . We have EVPS , videos and most of all numerous contacts from different members from our group with these six spirits and some of these members did not have to go to N . C to encounter them , the spirits came to us in K . C . These same spirits tend to follow us to some locations and there is a very good reason for that as you 'll see in this report . It should be noted that these spirits or the two males have a great sense of humor , they have made us laugh and at times we have had to scold the little boy , Frank , for some of his actions . Nothing harmful or physical to anyone , just little things that are more annoying and sometimes they forget that living people sleep at night which is when they love to play . This investigation started years ago with numerous phone calls about possible activity in these peoples house ( I 'll use fictitious names since they really don 't want their real names used at this time . ) The activity seemed to have started after they arrived home from the hospital with a new baby girl that we will call KyKy . The infant girl was born with some medical defects that still affect her some to this day but she is getting better as time goes on . We believe that this is the main reason that these spirits are present , they are there to protect KyKy and her family . At first it didn 't seem to be much activity going on , small things that made you wonder but you ignore it for now and the husband , he was as skeptical as you could get . . . was . Then we got the call that it seemed that every night at about 3 a . m . the baby would wake up for no reason and just start screaming . They placed a bible on the dresser for extra protection , just in case . Then another call , this time both parents heard a thump hit the floor and the baby started crying . They ran in to see what happened and found the newborn baby in the middle of the floor just lying there and not injured . They also noticed that the bible had been messed with . The parents didn 't really know where to go from here and asked if we would do something . This is when Gen and Edna and Mary performed a cleansing of the house from long distance . They instructed the mother what to get and how to set it up and what to say . So blessed , pure white religious candles were purchased and set up according to Marys ' instructions . The mother was asked to take pictures each day for seven days to see if she could see anything in the candles . The theory is that this method works like catching moth in a fire light . It attracts the bad ghost and captures them in the candle and then you dispose of the candle according to instructions and it would remove the bad ghost . There was also a container of water with a crystal placed under the bed by the headboard to capture any ghost . This container had to also be properly removed and the water removed without spilling any . Supposedly this particular water that was blessed would also capture bad ghost . The theory being that ghost can not remove itself from blessed water and could properly be disposed of . Now , you 're probably like me , yea , sure but I 've always been open minded . We are talking about the paranormal world and other dimensions , just because we don 't think it can work here because of physics or religious beliefs doesn 't mean it can 't work . . . . guess what ? It worked , check out these pictures below of thWell , things quite down for a few weeks then it started up again . there was knocking , cabinets opening and closing in the kitchen and a broom and mop would be found in the middle of the kitchen floor in an " X " form . At this point it became real obvious that there were visitors in the house . What did they want ? They haven 't hurt anyone , they just made their presence known . I 'm about 1 , 800 miles away so at this point communication was mostly by phone . Then we started getting interrupted during our phone conversations by what sounded to be a small child 's voice or we would start to discuss our options on what to do and the phone would shut of for no reason , this happened on numerous occasions . not just to me but also to Edna when she called . We would set up conference calls and out of nowhere one of us would be dropped out of the conversation . Now we are really curious as to what and who is doing this . Shortly after these incidents I get a call from both parents , there is soot all over their house , like there was a major fire but there wasn 't and they can 't figure out where the soot was coming from . They cleaned up there house as best as they could and they did save some paper towels with the soot on it . Take a look at this picture of two entities in the kitchen area . Meanwhile , the new born little one , KyKy is still waking up every morning at about 3 a . m . Now she 's waking up with screams like something is scaring her or somethings not right . Because of her birth defects , they couldn 't exactly say it wasn 't something physical with her so they purchased in infrared camera and radios to observe the room at night while she slept . Then her little 4 year old brother started seeing a man in his room at night that would walk from the door and out the window . The man was in a soldier 's uniform and had big green eyes but never said a word . Sounded like a residual haunting in his room . He said the man would hide behind a bush out in the front yard . Asked what he was wearing the little boy described what seems to be a civil war uniform . He did say the man was wearing a hat that was pointed at the top that was metal and the uniform was blue . A couple of days later I get a call from the mother that lights are now flickering on and off , the ceiling fan in the living room is turning on and off with nobody in the area and it is controlled by remote control . Toys in the kids room are turning on and off and items left in the dining room table are being relocated to other parts of the house . They purchased balloons for the kids and the next morning the balloons will be found on the other side of the house and these were the type of balloons were you tie the ribbon to an object like a chair so they would not float away but they managed somehow during the night to move thru different rooms into the back of the kitchen area where the washer and dryer were located , this happened numerous times . Pam and I decided it was time to fly down and see for ourselves what was going on . We brought some pretty big sound equipment with us , a Roland 16 track recorder with Sure stereo surround sound mics and some hand held equipment , cameras , etc . My first thought was because we were there nothing was going to happen , man was I wrong . The moment we walked into the house we knew it was different , the feeling , atmosphere was just thick and tense . The father and his brother were already in the master bedroom ( after a few drinks ) trying to provoke whatever they thought was there to come out . The brother who was really wasted even challenged it to a fight , so we had him go out into the living room area and calm down , no sense in trying to explain something to someone in that condition . His brother , the father had him go next door and rest a while and come back after he sobered up , which he did . Now , we don 't know what else was said before we arrived but we knew we were put on damage control and hoped that his provoking was ignored by the spirit / spirits present . The first thing we did was set up an infrared camera in the master bedroom , since this is where they thought the activity was coming from , actually in their closet in that room . They sat out in the living room and monitored the scene while I went in with a handheld camera and tried to see what I could find out . That didn 't take very long . I wasn 't in the room with the lights out but just a couple of minutes when I sensed something coming at me from behind and then I heard the people in the living room start screaming about something they had just seen on the monitor and couldn 't believe what they had just seen . I then approached the closet and asked if anybody was in there ? If there was if it could please show itself ? I recorded the activity with the handheld as a male ghost came to the door frame of the closet , he was all red , like on fire . He looked right at me , turned to the left , back at me and then faded back into the closet . I turned to leave and as I approached the bedroom door it opened and closed , I was still running the camera so I got this on tape also . I then met the people in the living room and asked what all the commotion was about earlier and they explained what had happened . That after a minute or two after I had entered the room a shape or figure was coming at me from behind , then out of nowhere a large white light came out of the top of my head and for just a split second it seemed to have challenged the object and the thing or object took off into the closet , like it was scared . I asked to see the replay and guess what , they forgot to hit record but I still have my recording from in the room . I knew something happened but I had no idea what , still not sure what happened but that incident set the table for the next few years . Things calmed down after that so we cooked out and sat back to just talk in the living room and relax , a couple of beers later and then it started . First it was knocking on the wall right behind the couch we were sitting on , right by the father 's head and Pam 's . It was as if there was someone in the closet playing with us so we checked and there was nobody in the bedroom . We sat down and again the knocking started and we started responding back , this went on for about 15 minutes or so . Then the ceiling fan came on and the lights started flickering on and off real fast , I mean real , real fast . The father got up thinking that he was sitting on the remote control to the fan but it was in between him and Pam . So he said it 's the remote , he must have sat on it so he started turning it on and off as fast as he could go , problem was it took a couple of seconds in between the on and off when he did it manually . He didn 't know what to say . So we thought okay , someone is trying to communicate with us , let 's set up some equipment . We focused on the dining room table at the other end and that 's where I set up the expensive computerized recorder . I mean you had to take a class to learn how to use it but it only took a few switches to activate it but you had to do it manually . Then we started asking yes and no questions trying to find out if we were making contact with a male or female , so on , so on . After a while we asked it if it could move an object for us and we got a red light which meant yes . So we set up an empty beer can on one of the dining room chairs and asked if it could move that can off the chair ? Green light - which means no , then across from the dining room table there was a brand new box of baby wipes on a counter that weigh about 2 lbs . It lifted off the counter moved about two feet forward and fell to the floor . The beer can most have been an insult . ; We were impressed . Then I noticed the lights to my sound equipment all of sudden go off so I went over to check and it smelled like something electrical was burThe next day we woke up and found out that we had some new information from the session the night before . We had tried to obtain names and were getting answers but were not sure if the names given us were correct . During the night I had been given a couple of names , so let 's introduce you to some of the spirits that we have met , please understand that not all the names came from me , I got the two young females , Pam , Gen and Edna were given the other names . Here 's the two I got , they were Sonia and Christina . Both were young females in their mid twenties and both were dressed in a long white / cream colored dress . One , I think it was Sonya was wearing what looked to be large dark eyeglasses and had her dark brown hair pulled back and tied with a ribbon . The other young girl was also wearing a white dress and had a red ribbon or belt type cloth around her waist and they were both sitting on some stairs going up the side of a two story white wooden house . They appeared to be from the mid 1850 's period and they just sat there and said their names . So that 's why I refer to the two young females as Sonya and Christina , it should be noted that Christiana is not shy about seeking help from one of us when she needs it , especially when she was dealing with little Frank . Now the two male spirits that live in this house are also from way back , we had to work to finally get there names but it was well worth it . The one spirit that lives in the closet of the master bedroom goes by the name of Ben . he is a W / M about 5 ' 7 " tall and very skinny . He lived in the fork of the road that passed thru the location of the house now , except he lived there back in the 1830 's , as a matter of fact he was a victim in the fire that burned down Fayetteville during that time period . He was caught in his house trying to keep it from burning when part of the roof collapsed falling on top of him , he managed to escape with his life but his left leg was burned so bad it had to amputated and he caught an infection from that causing his death . The other mThat night we started again well after the two kids had been asleep for a while . We went into the living room and this time we just ask questions trying to find out as much as we could about and from the spirits . Now some of the information we got that night was on the recorder or EVPS , some of it was from knocks and the other answers came from the spirits lighting up our equipment . It 's very interesting because we were all sitting on the far end away from the kitchen area and nobody really noticed what was happening until the mother , I 'll call her LuLu went into the kitchen to get something and she stopped in her track and just starred at the wall . She asked us to ask another yes or no question and we did . The equipment on the table lit up like it had been doing and she said that they have a motion detector system that is not hooked up , nor does it have any power to it but when we asked a question it would light up red or green like our equipment on the kitchen table . So we set up some of our equipment under the motion detector and started asking questions Yep , they would light up the same color every time , we even turned off our equipment to make sure somehow there wasn 't any interference from our equipment . We even checked the wiring to the detectors and they were not connected There was a detector in the living room , bedroom , hallway and dining area . The spirits taught us how they wanted to communicate and we to this day use this system , it works for us . Well that weekend went by fast and Pam and I had to get back to K . C . but we told them we would see what else we got and would be back if needed but that as far as we could tell the spirits in the house were harmless but very active and loud , that they are there for a reason and since the activity started when they brought KyKy home it may all be related to her and they are just letting you know they are there to help . We would have to continue the investigation and see what else we can come up with . LuLu was told to call every day if she needed , her husband was getting ready to deport overseas to the war zone so she was going to be home alone with her young kids for 18 month . A few weeks had gone by and not much more had changed . The normal toys going on and off , noise in the kitchen areas at night and knocks . Then we got a call from LuLu and her husband that they smelled smoke in the house and there was soot all over but there was no sign of a fire anywhere in the house . I told them to call the fire dept . and let them figure out what was going on . A few minutes later two fire trucks arrive and about 6 - 8 fireman conduct a search of the house . They looked everywhere , even used there special infrared detector to see if there was a heat exchange in the walls somewhere . after an hour or so the fire Chief could not explain what what was going on , he said that there should be a fire somewhere in the house , there was phyiscal evidence that pointed to a major fire inside of the house but all they could find was soot all over and the smell of a fire . As four fireman and the Chief were standing in the living room trying to explain what was going on a figure of a dark shadow man walked between them and the large screen t . v . Three of the firemen took off and went back to the fire trucks , the Chief reached in his wallet , got out one of his business cards , wrote down his home phone number and told LuLu and her husband , " well that explains everything , your house is haunted , call someone in and if they need verification here is my business card and my home phone number , if you get someone , please call me , that he would love to be there when they investigate the place . " He then bid farewell and joined his fellow fireman and left . LuLu called me back with infor on what had just happened . I informed her to just keep track of what was going on for a while and see where this leads , nobody has been phyisally hurt by any of the activity . . . yet . Now we did continue to have conference calls between LuLu , Edna and myself and sometimes other people and Edna and I decided it was time to visit LuLu 's home again . This is now about September of 2007 and we thought a week there for Pam and I would be interesting , Edna , who is from the Florida branch of the 10th Dimension Group , flew down that Friday for the weekend . That first night we did some normal question and answer stuff with the spirits and that went as expected but that night was a bit different . First we were trying to figure out where we would sleep for the night , Edna decided she would sleep in the little boys room . So she went in there and noticed there were toys scattered all over the floor and started to put some in the toy box . One was a little robot that had red eyes that lit up when you turned it on . Edna picked it up and placed it in the toy box . She turned around to get more toys and there was the robot on the other side of the room on the floor ! We looked at each other and then she stated : " I am not sleeping in this room , you can . " and I watched her move the toy . Of course brave old me didn 't say a word , after what I just witness I didn 't volunteer to sleep in that room either , Pam and I would sleep on their long couch and Edna had the blow up mattress . At about 3 : 30 in the morning I was woke up by voices , there were people talking over by the kitchen table and I could hear them but I couldn 't make out what they were saying but it was a conversation between a few people . I tried to wake up Edna but she just wouldn 't wake up . That morning I tried to explain to them what had happened and Edna said that she also woke up during the night but that she had turned on her recorder and recorded a female voice saying that her name was " Maria " and a male voice that said his name was not Anderson but Arnold , that 's how we got two more of the names of the spirits in the house . Edna will hopefully better explain this later in the narrative . Well , for a few months things didn 't change much except for the little boy ghost , Frank , he just didn 't understand that humans sleep at night and that 's when he liked to play with the toys or run around the house getting the dogs to bark . Frank was asked numerous times to stop bothering people at night and he would stop for a short while but then he would start up again . He wasn 't mean , just a little 8 - 9 year old kid ghost that wanted to play and may have been a little jealous of what the kids had . Later that year LuLu and her kids came up to K . C . to visit and we 're not sure but we thought that maybe a couple of the spirits may have followed them up . When we took pictures we would get some great orb pictures but only around the kids and we didn 't have any orb pictures before they arrived or I had not noticed them . So next time they were going to come over I took a bunch of pictures about a hundred all over the house and no orbs , same camera . They arrived and I took about 30 pictures of the kids and just about all of them had orbs around them and I mean real bright pretty colored orbs . I don 't know if this proves anything but we like to include everything in our investigations until we elimenate it as evidence . This was in 2008 , same thing happened in 2009 and 2010 . Every time they visit the atmosphere would change enough were you notice it if you were looking for it but it did not effect the kids or anyone else , it was just something as an investigator I wanted to keep track of for future investigations . To see if I could establish some kind of pattern or trend with ghost and there attachments to young kids . We 'll see , it 's way to early in the investigation to tell yet , it may take years but I 'm a pretty patient individual . We 'll see where this goes if anywhere . There was another time when LuLu bought some balloons for KyKy , I think it was for her birthday . LuLu had placed the balloons in the dining room area and went to do something when she heard this strange sound . She went to check to see what it was and the balloon had somehow gotten wrapped around the ceiling fan and was bumping on the ceiling every time the fan rotated . LuLu had enough and yelled that whoever took the balloon to get it down , now ! LuLu said that she stood there in amazment as the balloon string unwrapped itself from the fan and slowly was brought back to her . all she could do was say thank you and explain that they needed permission to play with things . LuLu called and I asked if she had taken pictures or anything ? Now you have to understand that she is living in her house and that she is not really use to having ghost in the house but she deals with them , so she does not walk around with a camera or recorder unless we ask her too . But with everything that we have seen and documented from their house there is no reason not to believe what she is telling us is not true . There is nothing for her to gain by making up stories , she truly believes these incidents happen and we believe her . There 's just no reason not to , we know what we have seen and heard and it 's right in line with everything else that is occurring in that house . Well in 2008 Edna decided to contact one of the t . v . ghost hunting shows and e - mailed them a couple of times to see if they would come down and investigate . This particular group made claims that it would investigate a haunting if it involved a child . We heard nothing , so Edna mentioned it to a good friend of hers that worked at St . Augustine lighthouse and finally a phone call was made from some paranormal group from Ashville , N . C . They explained that they had been contacted by this t . v . group and would be glad to come down and check out the claims and arrangements were made . We got the name of the group and the lady in charge and they too had done numerous t . v . specials and claimed to have a good reputation . They arrived on a Saturday and went thru all the formalities and set up to investigate . LuLu said that they tried to be so secretive and really didn 't want her to tag along but LuLu insisted , plus LuLu already knew basically what was happening and who some of the ghost were and was curious to see what they would come up with . The leader of the group got very excited because the lights began to flicker on and off and there was contact made by knocking , that in the years they had been investigating they have never had that experince , they had only heard of it . So they decided to place one of there investigator in the bedroom closet and see what she could get , per LuLu 's request . The investigator wasn 't in there very long when she came running out of the room and joined the others in the living room saying that whatever was in there had just knocked in the closet and it was right by her head . LuLu said the investigator was very startled by the event . A short time later the group decided they were going to leave and would contact LuLu if they thought they should come back for a follow up investigation based on the review of the evidence they gathered . LuLu thanked them and asked them some obvious questions but they refused to answer , that they would get back with her , they would probably call her in a week or tWe continued with our phone calls and occassional weekend investigation of the house and things pretty much stayed the same until LuLu called one day saying that she thought that maybe there might be a knew ghost in her house and she didn 't really care for this one . We got more information and decided to cross this ghost over since that is what we think it was looking for , some help to move on . So I explained to LuLu what we needed , seven candles , a little boat made of paper , a bell and some other small items to see if we could do this . I was trying to do it over the phone with LuLu doing the actual ceremony at home . We went thru the process of setting up all the candles in proper order and started the ceremony . Now part of the ceremony is near the end the ghost is to go between two special candels onto the boat and ride across to the other side where there would be spirits to greet him and escort him across . Well , when we got to the part were the ghost had to go between the last two candles we heard a mans voice ask " can I at least have pearly gate ? " This was on LuLU 's tape recorder as an EVP . Who says ghost and spirits do not have a good sense of humor ; We still laugh at that to this day . Maybe we were being to serious that night but hey , he crossed over because LuLu says that she has not picked up on him since that night and that 's been about a year or so ago . LuLu and her husband decided to get the house alarm system activated so they called in a company to come in and set it up . A young man from the company arrived and he redid all the wiring and he was near the end . All he had to do was tie in the final wires to the alarm detector box and confirm it works . So he screwed in the wires and went about 10 feet down the hall to check the box and it didn 't work so he went back to the wire box and all his wires were pulled out . He reset them and went back to the main box and again this did not work , back to the other box and again his wires were pulled loose . This went on for 5 - 6 times and finally he asked LuLu to Later that year the K . C . branch and the Florida branch of the10th Dimension had gotten together and we were investigating the St . augustine lighthouse . We were all but done and Faith had us in her office showing us some pictures that other people had taken in the lighthouse when I got a phone call from LuLu . She was all excited and went on to explain the following incident . This is very late at night or early morning when she calls . That she was sound asleep and and the alarm system in the house all of a sudden went off , she thought there might be an intruder in the house so she grabbed her ballbat and started going thru the house checking to see who was there . The dogs were in the back yard but they had not barked and they do a lot of barking if they think someone is coming near thier property . LuLu went from room to room and finally went into KyKy 's room and there she saw KyKy half way off the bed with the cord of the machine that gives her treatment wrapped around her neck and she was having a hard time breathing . LuLu picked KyKy up untangled the cord and noticed that she was alright and started crying but she went back to sleep . LuLu called the alarm response company number and asked them why they had not called or responded to the alarm she just had ? They checked there records and said that they have not received an alarm from her residence and to make sure they had LuLu set it off and they got that one . We think that one of the spirits in LuLu 's house set off the alarm but only in the house so LuLu could save KyKy . LuLu thanked them and told them that as long as that is what they are there for that they are more then welcome to stay . LuLu even went out and bought them some balloons of their own and gave it to them to play with . . . now they can be kinda like tattletales . They will tell more things espically when it involves little Frank , cause they know that when he gets that attitude he gets carried away sometimes causing havoc so they tell on him before they get accused . Just so you would know everybody thThe Battleship ! This happened in 2009 , so I 'll just touch on it because of Frank , otherwise the Battleship U . S . S . North Carolina is an investigation on it 's own . LuLu had heard rumors about the USS N . C . Battleship being haunted and wanted to know if we wanted to go see and investigate it . So we loaded up and left the next moring and got there just as it was opening fot the day . There was a handful of people there and no kids except for the two we had . We spent about four hours on the ship covering as much as we could and when you see that report you 'll see some incredible pictures . Anyway we were down in the mess hall part of the ship , it was closed off to the kitchen areas , doors were locked and they had clear plastic up so you couldn 't go inside of those areas , it was also about 4 feet high to the line trey area so a small child would have a very hard time climbing it and getting over the line . To this day I still don 't know why I took the sequence of pictures that are below . All I know is that I 'm glad I did because we are pretty sure that the little ghost boy in the pictures is " Frank " from LuLu 's house , he followed us to the ship as of part of the family trip . If you look at the pictures you 'll see that he has no facial features but spots were the eyes and nose should be and look at how long his arms are and there is no flesh on them , it appears to be just bone . You should also know that the camera I used takes about 10 pictures in about 2 - seconds , so it 's kind of like a slow motion movie camera when I have it set on blast mode . What I 'm getting at is this . Look at where the boy starts out in the first picture , then where he is at in the second , third until he notices I 'm taking pictures and he just disappears . See how far and fast he moves from spot to spot , there is no walking motion , he just keeps re - appearing at his next location . Just an incredible sequence of photos of a little boy ghost . From what I know of Frank is somewhat interesting because I 'm not sure if I really got all the information that he tried to tell me that same night . When we returned and saw what we had we just started discussing what or who it could be . We knew there were no kids on this I think that this was Franks way of saying good - bye . We did not have any further encounters with Frankie after that night but we did with the other spirits . We think Frankie liked the Battleship U . S . S . North Carolina so much that he decided to stay there . About a year ago while watching one of the tv ghost shows , don 't remember which one , a quick clip of a video was played of a little boy ghost caught in the excact same area and it was the same little boy ghost I had on pictures . . . it was Frankie . To this day we think that he is still there . This is Nov . of 2012 and we will once in a blue moon have one of the spirits from that house let us know they are still around and LuLu has since moved to another state and does have some activity but nothing like she had when Frankie was around . At the present time we are just leaving things alone and hoping Frankie doesn 't get tired of the ship and decides to return . He is extremely hard to control and get rid of . Here is a YouTube video for EVP evidence we captured at KyKy 's house : And here are 2 more photos of Ben :
|
I have recently been questioning one of my deepest held beliefs . Not that I would ever doubt spirits existence , or that we are eternal souls , no , I have no problems with that . What I have been doubting is the almost universal belief that somehow , love conquers all . It seems to me that everywhere I look , either on Facebook or within spiritual internet sites , the over - riding message is that love is all you need , love will overcome anything , love is the key to happiness . I have been struggling with this the past few years . Yes , I believe that if we all based our decisions on love , our actions on love and our thoughts on love , the world would be a better place , but unfortunately not everyone does ! Maybe it is true in the universal sense , and maybe it is also true in a soul sense , when you take many lives and average it all out , but I 'm talking about this one particular physical life we are living right now . In my experience , and that of some of my closest friends , no matter how much you love someone , they can still use you , betray you and abuse you . Recently a very dear friend of mine had been blatantly used and deeply hurt by someone she considered a life - long friend , a woman she had always tried to help and support in any way she could . She can find no rhyme or reason for her friend 's behaviour and is extremely upset . I feel powerless as all I can do is listen but I can 't take away her pain . Finally , after many weeks of emotional hurt she came to the decision to end their friendship . Whilst that may well help her to avoid any further mistreatment by her friend , she is left still reeling from recent events . I wonder what lessons are being taught when someone who so obviously cares about another is mistreated by them . My own personal experiences have been difficult to contend with at times . I used to firmly believe that if you showed someone love and compassion that they would treat you well , but often through my life I have found the absolute opposite to be true . I have puzzled over this many times and had thought that it must be a certain kind of lesson that needed learning . I have even tried to feel grateful for the role that someone must have agreed to play to assist me in walking my spiritual path . Logically it makes sense to me that kindness should help people to overcome their difficulties . This is something I have pondered for such a long time and have asked my spiritual guides for some guidance on this but so far have not received any answers . It has happened in my life so many times that I can see a pattern of events . What I am hoping is that one day I will have a ' light - bulb ' moment and suddenly the reason behind this will fall into place . My husband , Simon , tells me that he thinks I am too gentle , too soft and too forgiving . I have so often wished I could toughen up as I think my life may be so much easier , but the problem with that is that I wouldn 't be me anymore . My brother always used to laugh at my tolerance and lack of temper . Considering the parents I had , who honestly could have won the olympics if there had been an arguing event , you 'd have thought I would have a quick temper , but this isn 't true at all . I still remember my Mum 's look of amazement when she saw me lose my temper for the very first time when I was fourteen . We had been to visit Dad in hospital where he had just undergone life saving surgery and he was on full life support , so to say we were concerned and stressed was an understatement . Mum was driving our large estate car , and I have to say she wasn 't the most confident of drivers at the best of times , but with the worry of Dad obviously on her mind , she had become distracted and taken a wrong turn . We ended up in a very narrow dead - end street with cars parked each side . At the very end there was little space to turn around . It was only just after 9pm , so not what you would call very late . Mum had to try to turn the car around which meant going backwards and forwards many many times . She was , I admit , revving the engine a little whilst trying to navigate safely and gently between the cars , but the noise wasn 't that bad . Well this chap came out of his house and started really shouting abuse at Mum . Without a thought I jumped out of the car and walked right up to him and gave him such a ticking off . I was livid that he had upset my Mum and certainly let him know it . I told him where we 'd been and what was happening to my Dad . Much to my surprise the man became very apologetic and offered to help Mum with the reversing . What a turn - around ! I have always found it easier to fight other people 's battles rather than my own . My brother used to say that I was like the worm that turned , and by that he meant you could push me so far and then that was that . How right he was . I have to admit that I can take an awful lot but finally there is the straw that breaks the camels back , and funnily enough it is often a very little straw ! I have had to break ties with people I have truly loved because they have behaved so badly towards me , and it comes to a point when you realise that all the love in the world cannot change their behaviour , and so very sadly and reluctantly , there really is no choice but to walk away . Sometimes the hurt of staying in a relationship becomes so deep that your physical body cannot cope with the pain , and sometimes , and possibly even more importantly , you have to learn to value and respect yourself , which I have found the toughest lesson to learn . I saw this too with my own Mum . She tried so very hard to have a good relationship with her Step - Mother and did everything she could to try to make it work . When we were a young family we would all travel up to London to see my Nan . We would make this journey at least once a month . Mum and Dad would have to save hard to pay for the petrol and would always be praying that the car wouldn 't break down because it was pretty old and extremely unreliable . At the time there were no such things as baby seats in cars and Mum would have to spend two hours sitting in the back of the car with my twin , Tina , and I in her arms . She laughed when she told us by the time they got there her arms couldn 't move ! As Tina and I became older we both suffered from dreadful car sickness . How Mum and Dad coped with this I just don 't know , it must have been a nightmare for them . I know that Mum would always keep a couple of spare outfits for us and on many occasions as soon as we arrived at Nan 's house we would have to nip upstairs and change into fresh clothes . Thankfully our older brother Ray was not car sick , that would have been unbearable ! When Tina and I were eleven we went to stay with Nan for the week before we started at senior school . Mum and Dad took us up there and we spent a wonderful time with her . We went to see shows in London and enjoyed meeting all of her friends and generally having fun . When the week was up Mum and Dad came and collected us and strangely the mood in the car on the way home was decidedly frosty . Sadly for us , that was the last time we ever saw our Nan . A week or so after our holiday Mum made the decision to break all ties with her . I was devastated . I had adored Nan and couldn 't understand how Mum could be so cruel . As a young child , what I hadn 't known was that my Nan could actually drive and had a very nice car . She would tell Mum of all the trips she took to see her various relatives all over the country and yet she had only ever made the journey to visit us once in the eighteen years since Mum had married . Nan was very comfortably off and would help all her relatives , and yet she never once offered any help to Mum at all . Mum told me years later that she had spent so much time broken - hearted at the way Nan treated her that finally she couldn 't take the hurt anymore . I know now it was not an easy decision for Mum to make and I know that she remained extremely upset about it for the rest of her life . She had lost her Dad when she was in her early twenties , and having been told that her natural Mother had abandoned her as a baby , she had desperately wanted to have a loving relationship with Nan . It took me a very long time to realise that what I and others had perceived as weakness , was in fact an enormous act of strength on my Mum 's part . I can 't imagine the courage she must have mustered to be able to walk away under those circumstances , but she did , and I am sure that in the following years she certainly didn 't miss the heartache that she had endured for so much of her life . One day , when I am once again in spirit and I have my life review , I feel certain that all will become clear …… but in the meantime I must admit I really find this all so very hard to understand . The problem is that I can 't get used to being so ' old ' . Although my body doesn 't exactly feel ' young ' , my head , my mind and my heart does . I 'm like a ' cut and shut ' where bits of me just don 't fit together quite right . My body hasn 't felt very young for a number of years now . Due to a chronic illness I always have pain somewhere and the lack of energy is annoying , but I 've got used to that over time , it 's been with me for nineteen years , so I should have by now ! No , now the problem is that my body is actually ageing . I 've noticed the wrinkles deepening and my eyelids kind of folding over , its difficult to describe , but all of my eyelids used to be visible , but now there is extra skin that hangs over them - I 'm sure there is a technical name for it - but it 's happened all of a sudden . My legs have never been my strong point , being knock - kneed how I rejoiced when maxi dresses came back into fashion , but now they too are beginning to look like old lady legs . As I 've aged I 'm seeing more and more the family genes take over . Auntie Violet legs - thanks Auntie ! My twin used to be very good at pointing out my short comings , but since her stroke she hasn 't so much and I have been thankful for that . Last Friday when she came over she was looking intently at my hands . Now , she doesn 't often say a lot these days so I normally relish a conversation with her , but on Friday she was not having a good day and was more ' there ' ( wherever that is ) , than ' here ' , so when she started to talk I was really pleased . " You 've got " , she looked as if she was frustrated trying to talk , " You 've got " she tried again , " What am I trying to say ? " , " I don 't know sis " I replied , as I often do , because she often asks that . There was another long pause and I always imagine her brain is trying to get into gear , " You 've got age spots on your hands " she piped up with a big smile , " Oh " I said , a little shocked , " and your hands " she went on , " your hands " , I waited patiently as she gathered her thoughts once again , " your hands aren 't looking so pretty these days , they look wrinkly " . Gee , thanks sis ! Well that was certainly worth waiting for ! I hadn 't really looked at her hands before , they are lily white as she has been indoors for almost three years now and she only had one very tiny insignificant age spot . One of her habits since her stroke is applying hand lotion many many times a day , so I must admit her hands do look very soft . Maybe it should become one of my habits too . She isn 't capable of doing any housework or washing up either and I 'm sure that plays a big role in my wrinkly , aged spots hand syndrome ! Bless her ! I think the reason this birthday has hit me harder than all the rest is that it really is the heading towards sixty birthday , I can 't say I 'm in my early fifties anymore , I 've tilted over the edge of fifty five and fifty six does sound so very grown up ! I think , for all of us who have gained some weight , we can look in the mirror and think about when we are slim again , there is a hope that one day we may shed the weight and be back to our ' real ' slim selves . For me too , there is always the hope that one day I am going to wake up well , that my illness will have scuttled off into the night , never to darken my door again , and I will once again return to the ' real ' healthy , full of vitality , capable of anything , me . But , looking in the mirror now , seeing my droopy eyelids and , thanks to Tina , being aware of my aged hands , there is no hope that one day the droops will disappear and the wrinkles will all smooth out . I 'm not even going to consider discussing the other , more covered up , bits of me , that are patently struggling with age . A girl ( or maybe I should at this age say woman ) does have to keep some dignity ! No , this is it . It really is the beginning of me looking old . I was chatting to my sister - in - law Wendy just before my birthday . Wendy is sixteen years younger than me ( eek , I 'm ' just ' old enough to be her mother ! ) , she is extremely pretty , very petite and super fit . She goes to the gym most days and also leads a very busy life as a hairdresser , a Mum to my two beautiful neices and has a very active social life . She is also , absolutely lovely and great fun to be with . As the years have gone by and we have got to know each other better we enjoy an easy relationship and chat away and discuss anything and everything . I 'm so lucky to have her as my sis - in - law . She was asking me how old I was going to be and when I told her she said it is just a number . I laughed , yes , I agreed , but said it was a bloomin ' big number ! This week there was the shocking news of the death of Whitney Houston and it really got me thinking . She had died when she was only forty eight years old . I met Simon when I was that age , and how I would have hated to have missed the wonderful time we have shared together . I have met so many wonderful new people since moving to Hampshire when I was forty eight . For me it was an age when my life turned around , when I had the courage to stand up and be me , to leave an old life and start afresh . I didn 't have Whitneys fame , her talent , her money or her looks , but I did have my own identity , which I sadly feel she was lacking . How sad that her life ended when my new life had just begun . I was thinking that Whitney won 't ever be old enough to be complaining about droopy eyelids and how very fortunate I am to have made it to have a big number birthday . How sad that so many amazingly talented people just can 't cope with their lives and end up relying so heavily on drugs and alcohol to get through . I wonder how many of them feel lonely , how many question who really likes them for who they are , not what they have or what they can do for them ? It must be tough to cope with public adulation when in your heart you are not prepared , when deep down you must know that you are not coping with the success . I find it strange how many young people say they want to be famous , and yet fame has so many drawbacks , I just don 't understand why anyone would want to be in a position where they can 't even pop out to their local shops without someone taking a snap of them . Where everyone feels they have the right to comment on and often criticise what you wear , who you spend your time with , what you do . What a dreadful way to live your life ! Hopefully Whitney is now beginning a new life in spirit where she will be able to realise how amazingly fortunate she was in so many ways , where she will be able to find some of the joy she had in her life here . I do hope that her soul will heal and with help she will be able to move forward along her pathway . Maybe in her next incarnation she will again have the voice of an angel , but our society may have moved on and she will not be put on such a pedestal , where from such a great height so many have fallen . Maybe next time she 'll happily get to the big number birthdays . Let 's hope so . Simon and I always try to do something different for our birthdays . Over the years amongst other things , I 've been whisked away for a romantic break to a luxury hotel , we 've been on the London Eye and Simon has been a racing driver , etc . You get the gist . The whole idea is that our birthdays are memorable events , a special day to mark the beginning of our next year . So , when friends of mine mentioned a Psychic & Spiritual Festival that started on my birthday I thought it would be a unique way to enjoy a get - away and experience the work of mediums that I hadn 't seen before . I rang the venue to ask if there was a program as my friends and I wondered if we had to book any of the workshops , but I was told that no - one knows the events until the day they arrive . Goodness , I thought , they must be mega organised ! We where aiming to arrive at about 3 : 30pm and our timing was spot on . We were given the keys to our ' chalet ' and directions , but as we walked through the car park my heart began to sink when I saw the rows and rows of ' chalets ' - Hi di Hi couldn 't help but come to mind . Our room was a double … . just … it was so small , and the bathroom was something out of the ark , it was what I would call VERY basic ! It was not what I had expected , but then it 's not what you expect that makes life richer ! After the disappointment with our chalet we really didn 't expect much of the food , but have to say that it exceeded expectations . The service was great and the food , although plain , was well cooked and we certainly weren 't going to be starving . We were given a table number and had to sit at the same table for the whole time . We were sat opposite two women , Julie and her aunt Sylvia . Julie was a florist by trade , with a very dry sense of humour and a houseful of assorted rescued pets with rather strange names . Sylvia had a very fast mind , was great company and relayed some very amusing spiritually based stories . They were both real characters with great personalities and we felt we were so lucky to sit opposite them . The first evening there was a medley of mediums demonstrating until 10pm . I hadn 't heard of them before , but I gather they are quite well - known . I must say that the evidence that was brought through by Philip Solomon was amazing . He was giving people not just names and memorable dates but addresses as well . I can 't say I agreed with everything he said about his beliefs on spiritual matters , but he did say that we all have our own views and that we must respect that . I was really pleased because even Sceptic Simon was marginally impressed , and that is quite something ! Simon toddled off on the first morning to go and take some pics and I stayed with my friend Annette as we were working out which lectures or workshops to attend . The problem seemed to be that there were never enough chairs in the rooms and they kept moving who was working where , which is quite confusing when there are about five hundred people all trying to find their way about . I wasn 't too worried about missing any of the workshops as I hadn 't heard of the tutors before , but one person I particularly wanted to see was Jay Love . I had met Jay several years before , when as students at the Arthur Findlay College in Stanstead we had discussed our spiritual development . So many of our experiences had been shared it was quite uncanny . He struck me then as a real down to earth kind of chap . He was a gentle soul with kind eyes and had a wicked sense of humour . He didn 't take himself too seriously , although it was obvious how much he respected spirit . I had never forgotten him and a few months ago had found him on the internet and we had been in contact via Facebook , where I had learnt that his development had led him to physical mediumship and he was now able to bring through spirit using transfiguration . Most of Saturday I saw various people do various things , nothing that I found totally astounding , it was ok , but I was deeply disappointed not to have seen Jay . Having said all that though there was certainly a good mixture of differing disciplines for you to take a look at , everything from pure spiritual communication to paranormal investigation to tarot , to sand box readings . The choice was quite amazing . In the late afternoon Annette and I found ourselves at a bit of a loose end and , almost by accident , found ourselves in a lecture about animal communication , which we weren 't planning to attend . As we walked in there were two pictures on a board . One was a very nice looking cat and the other looked like my old dog Sam . I even said to Annette " goodness , that looks just like Sam " . We sat down and began listening and much to my surprise the lady , who was actually a medium , explained that she had only just drawn the pictures and these two animals wanted to communicate with their owners . It wasn 't at all what I had expected . Several people tried to accept information about the cat , who was a tabby called Tigger , but eventually the information given narrowed it down to one particular lady in the audience and she was given the picture . Then the medium , Raye Edwina Brown , started to talk about the dog . She said that his name was Sam ! My hand shot up immediately . She explained that in his old age his back legs had given way and he had to be put to sleep , but that this happened at home . That was exactly what had happened to Sam . She said it was literally only a few days before he died that this had started , which was true , as Sam 's back legs gave out on a Friday and I called the vet on Monday as he couldn 't stand up . She even gave the date of the year he was born . I was so chuffed . He sent me his love and told me that he was pleased that I had so much freedom in my life now . I was called to the front to collect my picture . I waited until everyone had left and went over to thank Raye and she took a photo of me with the picture of Sam and said she is going to put it in her magazine ! This had made my weekend , I didn 't really expect very much more . I had loved Sam so much and felt so lucky that he had come through . I had given communication from animals to people in readings in the past and had seen their delight , and now I knew exactly how they felt . The evening was not so good . To me , the mediums were more interested in being entertainers than mediums and I did feel on a few occasions that they were not respectful to either the spirits or the audience . I watched three of them and decided I would rather go back to the cold chalet than sit and watch anymore . I was so annoyed that it was typical that Simon was there , and this did nothing to improve his belief in anything spiritual ! On Sunday I had already decided that I wanted to go home . I was cold , uncomfortable , fed up with all the last - minute changes and to be honest the mediumship the night before had really made me question so much that I felt quite unsettled . I did though want to have the opportunity to see Jay give a demonstration and on the program it stated that he would be in the Lounge giving a mental mediumship and spirit guides talk at 11 : 30am , so I thought we 'd go home after that . Annette and I were heading for the lounge when I saw Jay walking away from there , I stopped him and asked where his lecture was going to be . He told me it was going to be in the Games Room and that there should be enough chairs . So , we headed off there , found Jay , but again no chairs ! Annette went out and found some patio chairs to sit on and we sat expecting a mental mediumship talk . We were so lucky as Jay was planning to give another demonstration of his transfiguration gifts . The whole experience was nothing short of phenomenal . Jay gave a really good talk beforehand , quite thought - provoking , and then his trance guide arrived and introduced himself . He was nothing at all like Jay , although he did share a sense of humour . The transfiguration was just mind - blowing . Grown men and women were obviously emotional at communicating with their loved ones in spirit and being able to see their faces materialise over Jay 's face . What an amazing gift he has ! Annette told me that the last night had been the best evening and it had been a shame I had missed it . Jay had demonstrated his mediumship abilities and she said his evidence was brilliant . An Irish medium , Sharon Neill , had given evidence that a member of the audience had waited over fifty years to hear and Annette said everyone in the audience had felt extremely emotional . She told me that Sharon had then finished by singing The Power of Love which she said was sung beautifully . It did seem like I missed out , but then I was needed by a friend first thing this morning , so I was pleased I was at home and able to help her . It was an interesting weekend with mega highs and too many lows . Am I pleased I went ? Yes . Sam coming through and Jay 's demonstration were the highlights of my weekend . Two fantastic experiences that I know I will never forget . Just such a shame that it hadn 't been a little more comfortable and a little more organised ! Having weaved my way around the WordPress site , trying to glean tips for the a new blogger , I somehow came across what is termed The Daily Post . Its is full of inspiring ideas to help us bloggers blog a little more . To begin with we have to add widgets and tags and things , some of which I find more than a little formidable . I have read , re - read and read again the easy to use instructions , and as the intelligent woman I still try to consider I am , I find I am still none the wiser . I have , as instructed , pointed my mouse at the widget picture and clicked and then gone backwards and forwards to my blog ' dashboard ' ( that 's the technical word for the technical background bit of my blog , a bit like an engine for a car ) and clicked here and there and have still found I haven 't got the widget I need . It 's so much like my car , I know where the pedals are and the steering wheel , but put me under the bonnet and I have no idea what is what ! I have learnt more about tags in the last couple of weeks , but I 'm not quite sure of the difference between a tag and a category , so I always end up with a mixture of the two . My ever helpful husband , advised me to keep a list of tags and categories on my desktop so that it would be easy for me to find for future use . Hmmm , I 'm sure it would be if I knew where on earth my computer had saved them . I 've made several lists of tags and categories now and can never find them again . There must be a mass of lists somewhere in my laptop that I 'm sure one day will come to light , but for the moment at least they are very much hidden . So , to get back to this wonderful innovative idea of ' post a blog a day ' . The challenge is to find inspiration from ideas that the Daily Post will give us bloggers , and then be able to write about it . To me it sounds very much like a class I took with the Accolade Academy in Margam , Wales , with the most wonderful spiritual tutor , Tony Stockwell . He had the bright idea that each of us would choose a random word and then someone in the class would have to talk about it for at least five minutes . You couldn 't prepare this talk , or do any kind of background research , it had to be totally off the cuff and ideally inspired by spirit . We all had to have a go , and I must say it was good fun once you get over the ' I 'm sounding like a total idiot ' phase . The problem was , that unknown to us students , Tony was walking around the class listening in and was deciding who he would choose to demonstrate inspired speaking to the whole course on the final night . He walked up to me with a big smile on his face and told me I was going to be one of his chosen students ! It was more than a little daunting , he told us that we could talk about absolutely any word at all , for at least five minutes . The other classes on the course also had students that had been chosen by their tutors and the evening before the ' performance ' I could see everyone busily writing notes and discussing their ideas . I thought I must have the wrong idea , because I had not prepared anything at all . I guessed that if it was supposed to be inspired then you should leave it to spirit and trust them to inspire you . I went to bed that night concerned that maybe I should have spent the evening in preparation instead of chatting socially with friends . I spoke to Tony the next morning and asked him if I had got it wrong . He laughed and said , no , it was supposed to be inspired and no preparation was necessary . In a way that sounded too easy and too terrifying all at the same time . The whole day my tummy was full of butterflies , not gently fluttering away , no , these butterflies had boots on and were stampeding around , and I was dreading the moment I would be called to talk . As we all took our seats I thought that I would feel better once I had seen a few others give their talks , but little did I know that I was to be called up first ! Looking back though it is a bit like having a dentists appointment first thing in the morning . You get it over and done with and can then get on with enjoying your day . I had been visibly shaking at the thought of standing up in front of all these people , my stomach was churning , my mouth was dry and my palms were sweaty . Amazingly as soon as my name was called and I walked to the front , a feeling of calm came over me . I still had no idea what I was going to talk about . There was a stand by the side of me with a description of all that Accolade Academy offers its students . " Understanding your Awareness " , was one of the phrases that caught my eye . Suddenly I was off , chatting about awareness . I don 't know how long I spoke for , and to be honest I can barely remember what I said , but I did feel it flowed and was certainly inspired . Phew , was I pleased when I could sit down . This is something I often thought about , having known several people who had obviously loved their husbands or wives , but had then successfully managed to find love with someone else . Maybe they enjoyed such a wonderful relationship with their first partner that they hope to experience the same again . There are of course also those who sadly never love anyone again . This could be for many reasons . Maybe they feel that they would be unable to risk losing someone they love all over again , and aren 't prepared to put themselves in the position of going through that pain once more . Or , do they feel that their love was so strong it is irreplaceable ? Or might it be that they feel they would be being unfaithful to their past love ? This final thought is most probably the question I have been asked the most . Would their partner in spirit feel they were being betrayed if they went on to love another ? When I was up in Scotland quite a few years ago , I was communicating with the husband , in spirit , of a woman who was distraught because she missed him so much . She felt that it was wrong that she could ever be happy again without him . She was concerned that he would feel that she hadn 't really loved him if she ever found love again . I could feel the warmth of her husband coming through as he spoke to me . He loved his wife very much and it pained him considerably to see her so lonely and unhappy . He wanted her to be able to feel love once more . I tried to convey this to her , but I really wasn 't sure that she believed me . When I was back home , as I was washing up after dinner , I heard his distinctive Scottish accent . He asked me to send a poem he had written to his wife . I was most surprised as I had never had such a request before . This is exactly as he said : That very evening I was out with my husband and happened to be in close proximity to a couple of women who were talking . I couldn 't help but overhear that one of them had recently been widowed , she spoke about going to see a stage medium but not receiving a message , and it was obvious she was very unhappy . I knew her husband 's spirit was with her right there at that very moment . Without even thinking about it I found myself explaining to her that I was a medium and telling her that her husband was beside her . I could sense that he wanted me to give her a copy of the poem as it exactly conveyed his sentiments . I asked for her phone number and I said I would call her . I was , funnily enough , washing up the next evening and saw a vision of a man driving a lorry . I knew instinctively it was the lady 's husband . He was urging me to phone her . Try as I might I couldn 't glean any more information from him and I was sure that he hadn 't communicated with a medium before . As I went to ring her I faintly heard the name Natalie . I rang the lady and asked if her husband had been a lorry driver and she confirmed that he had . I asked if she had an email address so that I could email the poem to her . She said she didn 't , but she passed me to her daughter in law who gave me her email address , Natalie ………@ yahoo . co . uk ! To me her name was further confirmation of just how important it was that I send the words . I do hope that they helped her come to terms with the possibility of moving forward in her life and allowing herself to find love and happiness once again . Isn 't it just amazing how spirit work ? How wonderful that I was inspired to read that poem that particular morning and then that I met that lady that same night ? It is often said that spiritual communications are based on pure love and the more I have experienced , the more I know that love continues and is everlasting . Approximately ten years ago I attended one of my first week - long residential courses at the wonderful Arthur Findlay College in Stansted , Essex . It is a world - renowned centre of excellence for the education and training of spiritual and psychic unfolding and all kindred disciplines . Tutors at the College are first class and leaders in their fields . I had been chronically ill for a number of years and it had taken me weeks of rest to enable me to attend . I had become increasingly frustrated knowing that I could communicate with spirit , but had no idea how I could possibly be used by them because of my ongoing health problems . I knew it was impossible for me to organise one to one readings as there was no guarantee I would be well enough to keep the appointments . I also knew that any kind of platform work , demonstrating to the public , was also just not possible for the same reason . On this particular occasion I really felt that a spiritual reading would be more beneficial to me . I hoped so much to learn how my guides felt my future with spirit may lie . I carefully considered which tutor to choose to carry out the reading . I had never met Paul Jacobs before and knew that he had absolutely no prior knowledge about me , my health problems or my level of spiritual development . Having only just read his name on a list I too had no pre - conceived ideas of the type of person he would be either . He then started to talk to me concerning the inspirational writing which I had recently been receiving from spirit . I felt that he was initially trying to advise me that often people think they are receiving inspirational words from spirit but they are in fact utilising their own inner wisdom from their higher selves . As he said this to me I must admit I felt rather deflated as I had been so delighted to be a receiver of some inspiring and thought - provoking messages . I had been told by my writing guide that the messages would be modern and straight forward . It was impressed on me that in these modern times there would be no need for thee and thous , no need for fancy prose , which made sense to me . Paul had stopped talking for what seemed like forever , as I was hanging on his every word , impatient for more information . It was obvious to me that he was listening intently to his guide / s and he wanted to ensure that he communicated the correct message . He eventually began talking to me again and I was thrilled when he advised me that he had been told that I was indeed receiving inspirational writings direct from spirit . He went on to tell me that I would receive important and educational information that was not just for me but for everyone . He said that I would be writing in the years ahead and that these words would literally be read around the world ! At the time I could not see any way at all in which this could happen . Near the end of the course the tutors held a wonderful evening service in The Sanctuary complete with candles and very lovely music playing in the background . The atmosphere was amazing . Paul was standing at the front with the other tutors and held a basket in his hands . We were told that the basket contained cards with one important word written on each of them . Another tutor asked all of us students to line up and put our hand in the basket and , without looking , pick a card . We were told that this particular word would mean something spiritually . I lined up and picked my word , which was Knowledge . Paul saw the card and smiled at me , and told me in his very distinctive voice , that it was absolutely the right card for me . Unfortunately my health problems increased and other serious family issues kept me away from anything spiritual for a very long time . Every time I felt that I could go forward another problem would present itself and I would be thwarted again . Now , so many years later , I am in a very different place in my life . I am married to an extremely patient and gentle man who insists that I use what little energy I have to enjoy my life , which for me is becoming involved , even in a very small way , with anything spiritual . At the time of my reading with Paul , the internet for personal use was still quite new and very many people I knew at the time didn 't have their own computers at home . Now nearly everyone has a computer , blogs have become commonplace and are an excellent platform for the budding writer . It only just dawned on me a few weeks or so ago that I could use a blog to write about my spiritual experiences and in time I know I will be able to write about the wonderful messages I receive from spirit . I have been amazed at the correspondence that I have already received since publishing my first blog . I had no idea that it would be read in such far - flung places as China , Russia , America , Canada etc . As I have sat reading the emails , Paul 's words have been echoing in my head " these words would literally be read around the world " . Goodness , how right that was . I had often wondered how I might be able to actually ask for a message from spirit , and equally , how would I be able to ask not to see or feel them around me . It wasn 't until a very dear friend of mine had passed into spirit that I actually decided to take the bull by the horns and try to educate myself . I was always a little scared of spirit . Well , no , to be really truthful , I was more than a little scared , at times I was terrified . I would walk around my house at night just continually saying to whoever was there , please don 't let me see you , please don 't let me see you . It was normally in times of great stress or worry that I would start seeing pictures in my head , just like a video , or I would feel the presence of someone very close to me , and sometimes , but not often , actually hear them speaking to me . Over the years I had tried to ask to hear from people I had loved and lost , but had never had even an inkling that anything was happening . Then , when I would least expect it , for argument 's sake , walking into a friend 's house , I would immediately be aware of a spirit wishing to communicate . On many occasions I would even have games with those I would call my invisible friends . I remember as a young girl , I was always aware of someone , or sometimes even many , of these friends with me . When I was maybe only about nine or ten , I was walking to school and in my head I was questioning them . I was asking if they were real and if they were how could they prove it . I remember , something like a film playing behind my eyes and being shown a bright yellow car . Within seconds the exact car came over the bridge I was walking towards . There was no way I could have seen over the bridge to see the car first . I stopped , and tested them again . I asked what colour the next car would be and was shown a blue Cortina . Sure enough the next car along was the blue Cortina . I was told the next car would be a red estate , and of course it was . I was so chuffed , and then , in my odd way , became quite concerned that they were real ! They couldn 't win ! My Mum used to go to spiritualist churches when I was growing up , but I never wanted to go with her . In fact , I don 't think I liked the idea too much . The more my parents spoke about spiritual matters , the more I tended to shut down . It was just that I preferred not to acknowledge what I knew to be real , and as if by ignoring it , somehow , it would all go away . Then when I left home and eventually married I was too busy to think about spirit too much . I had the occasional knowing about something , or intuition , but these were generally just fleeting moments . Even after so many years I still wondered whether I just had a vivid imagination or was it all wishful thinking . During my thirties more and more spiritual experiences were happening to me , but being the busy woman I was , I didn 't have time to pay it too much attention . However , when my friend had died , I suddenly felt a real pull towards everything spiritual . It was as if a switch had been turned on . The first time I went to find my local spiritualist church was quite odd . It was up a little alleyway off a busy shopping area . I had been shopping there many times before but I had never walked up the alley . The church looked dark and imposing and I wondered whether I could pluck up the courage to go in . I had no idea what to expect . I didn 't even know what a spiritualist service would be like . As I walked closer towards the church my legs were like jelly and I felt faint . It was so strange because I had a deep knowing that my life was going to change , but typically , tried to brush those thoughts aside . I read the notices and saw when the next service would be , which was that evening . I knew where it was and at what time , but now had to try to tell my family where I would be going . I was sure they would not be impressed . How right I was . My husband thought I had lost my mind and my daughter was horrified . She was convinced it was a cult and that I would be unable to dis - entangle myself from their steely grip ! I stood my ground and went to my first service , which I have to say was a little of a disappointment . I don 't know what I expected , but it was all rather conservative and the medium giving the messages looked very normal . None of the messages were for me , and I did think at the time that it was all a bit general . All in all though it was a nice evening and everyone was very welcoming . I read the board inside the church and it listed an open circle for the following Friday . I knew that my Mum used to attend a circle , and that was where she had met her guide Topsy . I was still a little afraid , but even then , somehow knew that I should attend . The following Friday I was trying to act very blase with my family about the open circle . Inside though I was deeply worried about what I was getting into . The circle was held in a room in the basement of the church . Immediately on opening the door the smell of damp was overwhelming . Even though it was a warm summers evening the room was ice - cold and the chairs we had to sit on felt wet from the damp . There was only a small window up high which let in a little light , but this was quickly covered by a blind and we had only a small candle on a low table in the middle of the circle . I was quite apprehensive at this point ! The President of the church opened the circle with a prayer and told us to sit comfortably ( which was very difficult on those chairs ) , to close our eyes , un - cross our arms and legs and to sit with our left thumb over our right thumb . It was explained that spirit would not talk to us if we did not sit as instructed ! ! It was all extremely odd to me . I nearly jumped out of my skin when after a few moments quiet a deep voice boomed out ' Good evening friends ' . I opened my eyes just a little and saw that it was the President who was talking . How very strange I thought , this tiny little lady with this deep resonating voice ! We were instructed to meditate ( I had no idea how ) and to ask our spirit guides and helpers to come close . I just sat with my eyes closed and was desperately trying not to think how cold and damp I felt , how uncomfortable the chair was to sit on , and how spooky I felt the whole event was . Much to my surprise I suddenly felt a pressure on my right cheek , it started quite gently but soon became quite intense , and then it was almost unbearable . At the same time I began to see what seemed to be a video in my mind , a beautiful native american man was riding towards me on a black stallion . I absolutely knew he was my guide . Before I knew it I was being lifted onto the horse ( surprising as I am scared stiff of horses ! ) and with my arms around the native american 's waist , we were off galloping through the most beautiful scenery until we came to the edge of a cliff , we looked around and then we flew over the sea . I could feel the wind on my face and the warmth of the sun on me . It was magical . The booming voice broke through and we were told to ask spirit for a communicator . I didn 't want to do that as I had just met my beautiful guide and wanted to stay with him , but I knew that I must , it was unsaid but understood , that I would ride with him many more times over the years and before he left he introduced himself to me as Minyon . Everything in my mind went blank and I felt a wave of disappointment as I felt I had let Minyon go , to be left with a void . Then I felt someone touch my arm , it was so real I opened my eyes , but no - one was beside me . Pictures started coming into my mind , a man in an army uniform who told me he name was Edwin , but said that everyone called him Eddie . He showed me vast kitchens that he worked in and told me to tell ' her ' to remember dancing at Blackpool Tower . I was stunned . I had never expected anything like that . I was looking at the pictures in my mind when the Presidents voice , very loudly , told us it was time to come back into the room . I sat there as she went around the circle asking each in turn what they had seen , heard or felt in their meditations and whether anyone had received spiritual communication . I listened intently but the most anyone saw was an ironing board , which they said was that someone had problems that needed ironing out , and a rainbow over someones head . I didn 't know what to say when my turn came . I told them about the wonderful ride on the horse and even then wondered whether to mention the man in the army uniform . I was worried that I would look like an absolute fool . Somehow though I was compelled to say exactly what I had seen , as if I had no choice ! I started to tell them and you could have heard a pin drop in the room . When I said his name , and his nickname , a woman sitting along from me gasped and I honestly thought she was going to fall off her chair . ' Oh my God , Oh my God ' she kept saying , ' that 's my husband , oh my God ' . By now my heart was pounding so hard in my chest I am sure the whole room must have heard it . She showed me a picture she had of him and he was exactly the man I had just seen . To say I was amazed is the understatement of the year . I felt like jumping up and down , I was so excited . Suddenly , just like that , I had absolute proof that it was real . I hadn 't been imagining everything all my life . I had always wondered if my intuition , which I had relied on so much over the years , had just been a series of lucky guesses . It wasn 't wishful thinking . Everything changed that night . I no longer believed in spirit . I absolutely knew that spirit is alive . I wanted to jump up on rooftops and tell the world . There is life after death ! I have proof ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
|
I would just like to say Congratulations to all of you bloggers who took this challenge when it was first given and have blogged everyday for a whole year now . It 's been fun to read your blogs . I 'm looking forward to getting together with you . ( Matt has approved me to come even though I have not blogged an entire year . ) And , I 'm a little jealous because I have had a really rough time with blogging lately ( I don 't know if you could tell from some of my lame - o blogs . . . ) . I almost quit , but I 'm so close to the end now . I 'm excited to see what everyone will do now with blogging . CONGRATULATIONS ! Today we took Logan trick or treating at Macey 's grocery store and Papa Murphy 's . Then we went around Grandpa and Grandma Pauline 's neighborhood in the rain . I think I 'm glad that my son doesn 't feel the need to get as much candy as possible . He 's just good with something . It 's nice because then I don 't have to stay out for hours . And it was cold tonight . And rainy . But , Logan didn 't make me stay out in it for long . Then we visited Dax , Jace and Aunt Jennifer . Then we came home and he went straight to bed . I 'm ready for it too . I 'm not looking forward to church tomorrow . I have never seen this boy on such a bad sugar high . He was pretty much a jerk . I hope he sleeps it off , so I don 't have to deal with it during church . Posted by Tonight we went to the Fall Festival at Logan 's school . I don 't know if it 's this way everywhere , but a lot of the schools around here try to avoid the dressing up thing and celebrating Halloween at school . One of the schools I worked at , scheduled parent - teacher conferences around Halloween so they had school off on Halloween and didn 't have to do anything for it . This week was Red Ribbon Week at Logan 's school . Today was wear red day ( not wear a costume ) . So , the fall festival is their way to celebrate Halloween without doing it during school hours . They did a costume parade around the block . Then we had a trunk or treat . Each class was in charge of having a trunk and passing out candy . They had a pumpkin decorating contest and donuts and cider . It was pretty fun . Good , Halloween fun , in a safe environment , with friends ! I like to look at pictures of beautiful places . OK , maybe sometimes I don 't , because then I just feeling like I wish I could go these places when I know I can 't , but . . . . . . We live in a beautiful world . At least when I 'm looking at the pictures I can still get the peaceful feeling of the place , even if I 'm not there . And I see how amazing and beautiful the rest of the world is . The other day I was looking at this picture I have had for a long time . I love the trees lining the road in this picture . After I looked at this picture , I was thinking how I would love to be on a street like this . Where there are trees on both sides and the leaves hang over and touch in the middle . And if you walk down it , it 's like being under a bridge of trees . Yeah , I thought that would be cool . And then , one day we were walking to school and I realized I live on a street like that ! Maybe it looses a little something with the paved road and power lines ( and I 'll admit the photographer isn 't the best ) , but the trees still line the road and cover over it . And it is beautiful , especially when the leave change colors and when the snow sticks to them in the morning . And it 's only a block away from our house . On a clear day , the mountains stand higher behind it . Throw in a deer or two and some squirrels and you 'd think your in the mountains . And , if you look close you can see Logan walking to school ! I love where I live . I am such a lame mom . Halloween is this week , and we have done nothing Halloweenish . We don 't have any decorations up . We haven 't carved pumpkins . And , it doesn 't look like any of that is going to happen before Saturday . At this point , I just look it and think , it 's not worth it to do all that work for 5 days and then have to clean it up again . I did get the Halloween decoration box out a couple of weeks ago . We were looking for costume stuff for our family party . Then Logan found it , moved it into his room and started playing with the contents . I asked him if he wanted to help me decorate . He said no . If he wasn 't worried about it , I wasn 't going to . But , he did find some things to play with . And really , we have one Halloween decoration . Logan found the light up pumpkin and has been using it as his night light for the past couple weeks . Of , course , we have to turn the face away from him so he doesn 't get scared . ( His words . ) Oh , I 'm so happy . Eating dinner today actually sounded good . I was starving . I ate dinner , and I still feel good . This is a good sign . When ever I watch the Broncos play at home it reminds of when we went to Colorado to visit Matt 's Aunt Julie and Uncle Jerry . We were there just after the new stadium opened . Julie had us a read an article about it . They had a concert or something at the stadium to celebrate its ' opening . The guy writing the article was saying that they should have tested the sound system and worked out the bugs before they started because from where he was sitting it sounded like they said , " Welcome to Nabisco field at bile pie . " I don 't know why I still remember that but during the game today when they said " Invesco Field at Mile High " , me and Matt both said , " Nabisco field at bile pie . " Posted by Today I got to go to a science class . They gave us a lot of cool ideas to help teach our children science principles and encourage them to wonder . The best part was that we got to do the experiments and try everything out . I didn 't take my camera to class , so when I got home I let Logan try the stuff we did , and I took pictures of him . We learned how to hold bubbles . Here 's Logans ' . Also , I saw a square bubble . I need to get some materials , but if I get it to work , I 'll show ya . This is snow that is growing in Logan 's hands . I know it would be better as a video , but you couldn 't see it very good . You 'll have to trust me . It grew and it looks like snow . We made a solution then added the worm goo and out came worms . We also made slime and glow sticks . Logan asked me if I was taking this stuff Lynn 's . I told him I didn 't know . He said I should leave it here so he can play with it . He said it was fun . Then he told me , " Usually I just play video games , but this is funner than playing video games . " Posted by All week I 've felt like I 've got a million things to do and I haven 't had time to get any of them done . Somethings gotta give . So , I 'm choosing to do something else tonight instead of blog . Maybe tomorrow I 'll tell you all about the class I get to go to . It was Logan 's turn to make dinner tonight . Well , we got celery in our bountiful basket last time . Logan was excited to see it . He immediately talked about making soup . In the past we 've used our celery to make homemade chicken noodle soup or Greek lemon soup . I told him we could make soup . He wanted me to make Greek lemon soup , but he talked about making chicken noodle soup on his night . So , tonight I asked him if he wanted to make chicken noodle soup for dinner . He said he did . So , I got chicken cooking and had him start making homemade noodles . Then we were getting the veggies out and chopping them up . Then Logan says , " I just wanted the kind from the can . " Well , that would have given me the whole night off . He could have handled that by himself . Sometimes it good to find out exactly what your kids mean when they say something or ask a question . It was just a couple of weeks ago that I gave him chicken noodle soup from a can for lunch . He thought it was awesome . I made his day by buying some at Macey 's when it was on sale . I got a big hug from him when I got home and showed him what I bought . I thought it was funny that he liked it so much . But , he admitted that the soup we made tonight was better than the canned kind . He still wants to eat that canned soup though . I 'll probably save it one of my dinner nights when I really don 't feel like cooking . Right now I have four pony tails in my hair . I am wearing purple plaid pajamas with a pocket which were a present , a pearl bracelet , my personal progress necklace with a pendant , pumpkin earrings , a flag pin , perfume , and pink and purple striped socks . My last name is Platis , and I ate pink popcorn . Tonight at young womens we had a personal progress party . We had a contest to see who could come with the most things that start with " P " . I didn 't win . But I had fun . Posted by Logan was out of school last week , so he came to work at Lynn 's with me . Later he informed me that he wasn 't going to go to college . When he finished school , he was going to work at Lynn 's house . Lynn 's right , he is very businesslike . ( When he wants something . ) He proceeded to tell me that he already knew all of the activities , because he 's done them , so he would be able to teach and help the kids . ( All ready for his interview . ) I informed him that he would go to college and he would have to work hard in school to earn a scholarship . He told me he would go to Utah State . But , I 'm getting a little off . That 's not really what I was going to blog about today . Logan was playing at Lynn 's house . The kids were playing cats . Logan was a pet cat and Kya was his owner . Kya was talking about going to the store to buy some salmon for her cat to eat . I 'm pretty sure this idea came from Logan . He loves salmon . I don 't know where he got the idea to feed it to a cat . I 'd never pay that much for cat food . Anyway , Kya was heading out to get some salmon for her cat . So she told the cat where she was going . " I 'm going to salmontonio to get some salmon . " ( San Antonio if you didn 't get it . Kya was in Texas last week for a family reunion . They went to San Antonio , or salmontonio , as the kids call it now . ) * Day 319 * These are the kind of things I get to do when I 'm with Logan . Notice where the real sidewalk is , on the left . Logan is riding on the little " bonus " sidewalk he discovered . I am instructed to " follow me " , so I get to ride on it too . I 'm really not sure if I would have noticed the mini sidewalk there if it hadn 't been for Logan . I love that when I 'm with him I get a chance to see new things and discover . ( Unless , of course , I 'm in a hurry . ) But , I do love that he takes the time to notice things around him and explore . Yesterday we went to Salt Lake for our family Halloween Party . Not everyone was able to come . We missed those that weren 't there , but we decided to have fun anyway . ( Sorry guys . Pencil it in for next year . ) We played pictionary ( go girls , for the win ! ) , the kids had a bounce house and blow up slide to play on , we had some good food and of , course , great company . I love spending time with my family ! Wa ha ha ha ha ! ! ! ( That 's Logan laughing . ) When Lynn tried to go on the slide , she collapsed it and got stuck inside . We made some peanut butter truffle pumpkins . Posted by Breanna was my first niece . It was so nice to have a sweet little girl around . It is just amazing to me how she has grown into such a beautiful young lady . She is still sweet , and I still like to be around her . Happy Birthday Breanna ! Posted by It felt like fall today . It was a nice day . We don 't have a yard of our own so , we used Lynn 's to rake leaves , clean and play . It 's really fun to watch Logan play with the little kids there . He 's so good with them . My day was easy because he came up with things for them to play all day . And they played together well ( unlike the other day ) . It reminded me of how we spent our time when we were kids . Logan making a leaf storm . Posted by Well , I think Logan has a new specialty . He perfected his eggs , now he 's become very good at cake mix cookies . While I was gone tonight , his aunt called . She wanted to talk to me , but since I wasn 't here , she talked to Logan . They told me she asked some questions about making cake mix cookies . And , Logan answered them . Then he went into the kitchen , pulled out the recipe and checked to make sure he gave the right information . He did . I think it 's so cute that he has the recipe memorized and can make them all by himself . Now , what should I teach him next ? Something that will really help me out . I just feel really bad for my daycare kids on days like this . I try really hard . It 's good they have Lynn . Hopefully tomorrow will feel better . Today we went to parent teacher conferences . The good news is that Logan 's teacher likes him . He 's doing well in reading and math . He still has a hard time keeping on task . But , he can be off task for most of the time and work the last few minutes and still manage to get his work done . I 'm not sure if that 's good or not . His teacher said that he has a hard time pairing up to work because everyone wants to work with Logan . She also said he 's very helpful . He even likes to help other students . But , sometimes he forgets to finish his work before he helps others . As long as he 's getting his work done , and his teacher can handle him , I 'm happy . Sometimes I just crave stuffed mushrooms . It 's one of those times . Here 's the recipe if any of ya 'll ever get a similar craving . Wash mushrooms and remove stems . Cook and drain sausage . Mix sausage into cream cheese . Spoon into mushrooms . Bake at 350 for 20 - 25 minutes or until they are bubbly . ( My mom always turned it to broil for a few minutes at the end to brown them on top . ) Enjoy ! Well , Lynn has been my big sister for as long as I can remember . And for about that same length of time Lynn has also been my idol . She was good at everything . She was smart . She was good at sports . She . . . . . well , that 's really all I cared about . I wanted to be like that too . So , I tried to be like Lynn . She was on the high school basketball team when I was in elementary school ( yes , she 's that old ) . She used to run around the neighborhood for conditioning for basketball . So , I started tagging along . And She was nice enough to let me . She helped learn me learn the basic skills I needed to be able to compete in sports . She still helps me . Just last year in region basketball after I missed my first shot , she told me what I needed to do to make it . I went 4 for 4 after that . ( Of course , the next day when we played her team , she didn 't give me any advice . ) We 've done a lot of stuff together through the years . We 've logged many miles together and had conversations on all sorts of things . From comparing and contrasting Charles Dickens , to the gospel , to rehashing last nights softball game . It 's always been interesting , educational , testimony building , thought provoking and uplifting . I planned to come to Utah State when I graduated high school . I had no friends coming up here . Me and Lynn planned on being roommates . I was so excited because we were going to have so much fun . Then , she got married . I had to move into a dorm with 5 people I 'd never even seen before . But having Lynn close by was still very comforting . We still did " stupid " things together and she was there when I needed her . When I wanted to visit home so badly , but didn 't have a way to get there . Me and Lynn walked to the grocery store to get ice cream , then we ordered pizza and I slept over at her house . And I felt really bad when I got a job and moved to Salt Lake right after her husband died . I wished I could have stayed for her . When we moved back to Logan Lynn started babysitting Logan . I was kind of sad that she took him to the Library for the first time or that they always went to the park . But , I was glad that Lynn was taking care of him because I know she loved him and that he was safe . Lynn is such a caring person . She doesn 't think about herself first . After she married Darrell she asked me if I wanted to come work with her . There aren 't very many people out there that would willingly cut their pay in half so that someone else could have a job where they could be with their child all day and have a schedule that works for them . But Lynn did . It amazes me because I 'm not sure I would be selfless enough to do that for someone else . I have been blessed to have Lynn for a sister and friend . She is such a good example to me . She still offers me excellent advice and is a source of strength to me . I love Lynn for everything she is and stands for . And I 'm glad she takes my teasing too . YOU ARE SO OLD ! ! ! I CAN ' T BELIEVE YOU ' RE 40 ! Happy Birthday ! When you are meeting your boyfriends family it can be worrisome . You worry whether or not they will like you , but you also worry about whether or not you are getting involved with a crazy family . Especially if you 're thinking about getting married . Because then those people will become your in - laws . I was scared to meet Matt 's family . But it turned out just great . I couldn 't ask for better in - laws . I remember the first time I met Jennifer . Matt was performing in the play " Chess " out in Smithfield . I wanted to go see him , but I didn 't have a car . Matt arranged with Jennifer to give me a ride . I was totally scared . Not really of Jennifer ( I mean , I didn 't know her ) , just the situation . I was ( OK , still am ) shy , so I was way out of my comfort zone . But Jennifer was really nice . I 'm sure she had to work really hard to keep a conversation going . We got to the play early and were waiting in the car for a while . So , she gave me the dirt on her brother . ( Well , she tired , then she told me that she didn 't have much because he was really a good brother . ) I 'm not so scared of Jennifer anymore . I love her and the example she is to me . I love that she is so strong . She can ( and will ) do what ever she wants too . She 's her own person and doesn 't worry about what other people think . She is good at her job . She was good at all the jobs she 's had . She works hard and gives her best . She is very loving . She is concerned about other people . I admire that she is a social person . It 's something I 'm not . But watching her makes me wish I was little more . And she is funny . I wish I could do some of things Jennifer does , and envy her talents . She is just great , and I 'm glad that she was willing to accept me into her family and welcome me as a sister . And , I 'm sorry that I don 't have a super cool rap , or even a poem . But Matt wants me to exercise my abilities in the kitchen so you have something to enjoy for your birthday . Or slightly after . ( Even though it won 't be as impressive now that you can do it yourself . :) ) Today on the way to school , Logan saw the biggest slug I have ever seen in my whole life . It was amazing . So , of course , I had to catch it and take it to preschool to show my kids . They were pretty amazed ( until Mikell and Ashlynn brought their new puppies for show and tell ) . There was talk of seeing what would happen to this Goliath if we sprinkled salt on it , but in the end , Logan had pity on it and released it into the backyard . After he helped ( pushed ) it off the porch because it was taking too long for it to get there itself . Enjoy some picture we took while it was in our care . There was this hole in him . I think he breaths through it . It would get bigger and smaller . There was only a hole on one side . I thought that was kind of weird . And Jessica is pretty sure that it has eyes on its antennae . ( Yeah , we might have spent a little too much time looking at the thing , but I was just amazed . ) Joey has been patient and easy going ever since we started pushing his forehead to make him angry baby , or his eyebrows to make him sad baby . ( I really thought I had pictures , but I can 't find them anywhere . ) I love Joey . He is kind and gentle . Even though he is older than Logan , he always takes time to play with him . I love that in his cousins . They are such good examples to Logan . I love having Joey as a nephew . Posted by Matt left this afternoon to go to the Alice Cooper / Rob Zombie concert in Salt Lake . So , me and Logan got to spend the evening together . We . . . - Rode our bikes to the new Carl 's Jr . for dinner . ( Matt has the car . I asked Logan if he wanted to order pizza or something , but he wanted a burger so he didn 't mind the bike ride . ) We only got rained on a little . I knew teaching my child to cook would have it 's benefits . I ( usually ) love it when Logan comes in the kitchen and helps me cook . I can 't wait for the day when he isn 't afraid of the stove and oven and can finish something all by himself . For now , I 'll take all the help I can get . Like today . Matt wanted some cookies , and I was busy . So , Logan made cookies . He can do all of it but put them in the oven and take them out . He uses a simple recipe , but he can do it all himself . He knows where the recipe is , and can measure everything himself . Really , I was so happy today . I only had to put them in the oven and take them out . That 's it ! So , here 's his recipe . Mix all ingredients together . Drop by spoonfuls onto cookie sheet . Bake at 350 for 8 - 10 minutes . We usually add frosting and turn them into " oreos " . Today Logan used spice cake mix for his dad . They were good . Matt was gone at the Priesthood session of conference tonight so me and Logan got to spend some time together . We went on a bike ride . ( After we fixed his flat tire this afternoon . And , why can 't we get a stupid thorn in a front tire every now and then ? It would be easy to fix the front tire . No brakes , or chains or gears or any of that crap to worry about . But , no , it 's always the back tire . And we have had so many flats this year . All form stupid little thorns . OK , now I can move on . ) Then we walked over to the Island Market and got a Frazil . Came home and drank them while we watched TV . This is my Logan moment of the day . We walked out of the Island Market and he wanted to cross the street to watch the water in the canal . We started across the street , and some dogs that were out next door started running over barking . Logan panicked right away . I tried to get him to keep walking , but he just froze . Soon , he jumping up on me with his drink in hand , and I was trying to get to the other side of the street . The kid was crying and nearly hysterical . The girl finally got the dogs back in the house , but it took a while before Logan would let me put him down . They had to be in the house , not just on the other side of the street . Then , we were a block from home and there was another dog out on the corner . This dog is out all the time , so I was able to coax him past it on his own two feet . Poor kid . Logan quote of the day . " Dad , I T - I - M - E you . " ( After listening to President Uchtdorf , who said , " Love is more often spelled T - I - M - E . " I was impressed that he heard something from conference . And that it was funny . Good kid . ) It 's the little details I wouldn 't have done well with . Like having little envelopes made and ready so that a student has a safe place to keep their tooth if they loose it at school . Logan 's friend was pointing at something and poked Logan in the mouth . His tooth fell out . It 's the first one he 's lost at school . And , I was glad his teacher had something for him to put it in . Logan is planning on keeping the envelope . He thought it was perfect that the tooth fairy took his tooth out of it , and put his money in it .
|
For Family Home Evening last night we had each of the kids take a turn in the " chair of honor " and talk about some of the things they accomplished over the past year . Of course , they loved it and Kessiah wanted to know if we were going to do this every year ! So here is what we thought of . . . Kessiah * she only had 2 times during softball when she was up to bat when she did not get a hit . * has learned how to use the stove . . . which has been especially nice when she wakes up and cooks sausage on Saturday mornings before we get out of bed ! * has taken the opportunity several times lately to show her talent at the piano . She recently played in Sacrament meeting , a talent show at church and a talent show at our big Ogden Thanksgiving * Something clicked in her brain this fall and she finally understands multipication and division ( she was quite frustrated at the end of 2nd grade in math ! ) * is becoming quite friendly with the tooth fairy . . . she has lost 3 teeth in the past 2 weeks ! * has borne her testimony every Fast Sunday this year . Jenessa * overcame her fear of attending level 1 gymnastics . When we started going back to gymnastics in the fall , she was very nervous ( even tearful ! ) but she loves it now ! * stopped sucking her thumb ! Yeah ! * did a great job of hitting the ball during the second half of t - ball this spring when they did coach pitch . . . even almost hitting her coach once ! * has started learning to play the piano . * has memorized several poems since we started school this fall . Sienna * has learned her ABCs * can write her name . * was a Super Sensational Soccer player ( at least after the first game ! She cried through the entire first game and wanted Mommy or Daddy to be out on the field with her ) * stopped sucking her thumb ! Yeah ! * has borne her testimony twice ( with Kessiah 's help ) Logan * has learned to take his pants and socks and shoes off ( I 'm still not sure if this is good or bad ! ) * can be reverent during prayers ( sometimes ! ) Mason * accomplished the incredible feat of being born at a whopping 9 pounds ( unheard of for this family ! ) * has learnePosted by Ahh , the day is coming to a close and all the kids are asleep . It was a good day . For the past several weeks Kessiah and Jenessa have been discussing whether or not Santa is real or if it is just Mom and Dad who put the gifts out ( they don 't bother to ask me anymore because I just say " What do you think ? " ) But on Christmas Eve ( after our annual acting out of the nativity and new pajamas ) there were no questions . . . they eagerly put out cookies and milk for Santa and went to bed . . . and stayed in bed ! The girls came bounding into our bedroom around 6 : 45 a . m . We let them explore the toys and goodies from Santa before Logan got up around 7 : 30 to see what Santa left for him . Mason didn 't make it up until around 9 : 00 , so he missed all the commotion . By that time the girls were watching a movie Santa had left for us ( Barbie and the Three Mustekteers , we also watched G - Force and Bolt that Santa left for our viewing pleasure today ! ) We enjoyed a yummy dinner of ham , mashed potatoes , creamy broccoli & cauliflower , green beans with carmelized onions and of course the homemade rolls ! Kessiah lost another tooth today and still has one that is loose . I 'm not sure she is going to have any teeth left ! I was excited to get some Cansolidator Pantry sets and Wii Active . My legs are a little sore right now from something I did with Wii Active today ! I have to smile as I reflect on Christmas a year ago . . . That was the day we told the kids we were going to have another baby ! I didn 't feel very good so Ryan cooked the ham and we had some simple side dishes that required no effort on my part ! I feel so grateful for my many blessings and especially for my Savior whose birth we celebrate on this day . His stats : weight 13 lbs 14 oz ( 15 % ) length 50 % I 've been feeling like he has been thinning out a bit but I 'm a little shocked at how much ! He has only gained 14 oz since his 2 month appointment . I 've been feeling like he needs a little more so I 've been trying to introduce formula in a bottle . . . which has been a struggle but he is starting to accept it . Hopefully that will help us get our chunky monkey back ! Otherwise , he is a happy healthy little boy . He is full of smiles and loves attention ( what kid doesn 't ! ) She actually had to have it pulled out . She had a regular dentist appointment earlier this month and the dentist felt like there was an abcess developing in her gums . . . so he felt like it needed to come out . This is one of the teeth that she has had a pulpotomy done on . . . so in a way it is nice to have it out since we 've been back in a few times to have her cap replaced on it . She also had to have a silver cap placed on one of her back teeth to help protect it from any more cavity bugs ! She is a trooper and did fine although she had been nervous about it all week . So now Jenessa and Kessiah are both missing a top front tooth ( but not the same one ! ) So I took all five of my children to Sears this morning dreaming of the adorable picture I was going to get with all of my cute kids who were looking especially dashing ! But alas , I have a two year old . . . and most people I know who have two year olds will understand that I was dreaming of the impossible ! Logan would absolutely NOT cooperate ! I got a cute picture of the girls together and Mason was full of smiles . . . but all Logan could do in front of the camera was scream and cry and throw himself to the ground ! I did get a collage with a picture of the three girls and separate pictures of Mason and Logan . There was one picture of Logan where he wasn 't screaming . . . not smiling or looking pleasant either ! I will try again at home before church on Sunday . . . hopefully in a familiar and safe environment he will be ok . Just a few funny Logan stories . . . We have discovered that Logan 's coat is his security blanket . Earlier this week I took Jenessa , Sienna and Logan to a friend 's house while I took Mason and Kessiah to Kessiah 's 4 - H Community Meeting . ( That was such a good decision . . . It has been extremely difficult to keep Sienna and Logan under control at these meetings . . . I always end up with them running around outside in the parking lot . ) Logan refused to take his coat off the entire time he was there . At the ward party on Friday night , he wouldn 't take it off until we had been there for about an hour . Today at church , he wore it . . . with the hood on . . . all through Sacrament Meeting . Ryan made him take it off before he went to nursery , but I 'm sure he would have preferred to keep it on there too ! One evening last week after we got home from Kessiah 's basketball practice , Ryan had put Mason down on the floor in his car seat and unfastened him but left him there . A few minutes later Logan came into the kitchen and was telling me something about Mason . I was having some traslation issues and couldn 't understand him . . . although I should have been concerned since I could hear Mason crying . After Logan came in to me the second time I decided I better go and see why Mason was crying . What I discovered was that Logan had tried to take Mason out of his car seat . Mason was lying face down on the floor with a blanket over him ! Poor baby ! Isn 't it fun trying to keep up with these little people ! We now have Christmas lights up ! Our house looks fun and festive ! We have had the opportunity to see Santa twice this weekend . Once at the ward ( church ) party and once at Ryan 's annual work Christmas bowling party . Logan is petrified of the jolly fellow ! Santa makes our cute little guy cry , literally ! Sienna isn 't very fond of him either , she will not sit on his lap . . . but she will accept candy at arm 's length ! Kessiah started a new composition unit today about writing to a prompt . Part of her assignment today was to brainstorm ideas related to who her heros were and why they were important to her . I was very honored to make the top of her list . . . and the one that she chose to continue writing about . Tonight we did our annual gingerbread house . We have bought the gingerbread house kits for the past several ( 8 ? ) years . Logan thought it was Halloween again , he kept trying to grab the candy meant for the house and eating it . We somehow managed to get it done without anyone falling off the table ! We bought our Christmas tree yesterday and decorated it this morning . The girls have been very excited to get out the decorations . They were having a lot of fun pulling out the tree decorations . They are old enough now that some of the decorations have stories and memories to go with them . This just gets more fun ( and chaotic ) the more kids we get ! Once again we will be decorating primarily the top half of the tree . It seems like every year we have someone young enough to require leaving the bottom half mostly bare ! Oh well , I 'm used to our odd looking trees ! If you do the crime , you have to pay the time . This morning I paid my time for speeding . I was worried about how Mason would do while I was gone for 5 1 / 2 hours , but he seemed to survive ! It was an interesting class , I learned several interesting things . Did you know that driving and talking on a cell phone use the same part of the brain ? That 's why it 's a bad idea to do both at the same time ! ( It 's a habit I usually avoid anyway since I don 't want my kids doing it when they reach driving age ) We enjoyed a trip to the Phoenix Zoo yesterday . It was nice , the first time we 've been out together on a day trip since I got pregnant . It was a beautiful day , we needed jackets but the weather was great . I think Logan 's favorite part was just chasing the pigeons around . Sienna didn 't seem to think that the barriers applied to her , we were constantly having to pull her back after she had gone beyond where she should have been . And of course , Logan was following close behind her . We enjoyed looking at many animals but our favorite were the rays . They have a seasonal exhibit with rays that you can pet and feed . We went about 1 1 / 2 years ago , but at that time I was too chicken to touch them . I did it this time , they are very soft and smooth . . . very cool . And Ryan got me to feed them as well ! I was nervous at first , I dropped the first shrimp I had into the water . They have very big mouths that kind of suction the food out of your hands . Ryan helped each of the girls feed them as well . It was the highlight of our day . The little guy is 4 months old now . . . stilll NOT sleeping through the night . I 'm tired ! He is full of smiles and is a pretty easy going baby . It 's true , somehow Kessiah hit 9 ! Next year she will be double digits ! I feel like she is really growing up , no longer quite the child she used to be . I feel more and more the importance of being a good mother to my children and showing through my example what it means to be a good wife and mother . I think back to the first time I saw her . We walked into the hospital room , she was to my right in a hospital bassinet pushed against the wall . She had the most perfect face with lots of dark hair and dressed in a pink outfit that was a bit too big . It almost took my breath away to think that she would be going home with us ! She has been such a blessing to our family and I can 't imagine not having her with us . She is such a good example for her younger siblings . She is becoming quite a good piano player and we enjoy listening to her practice . . . sometimes we even dance to her music ! She loves to read and does well at her school work . She enjoys art and drawing . She has had fun playing sports and always wants to participate in the next one coming up . We enjoyed a nice break last week at my parent 's home . It was the big on year for my dad 's side of the family , so for Thanksgiving Day we celebrated with about 80 of my relatives . My 97 year old grandparent 's are still hanging in there , they are so amazing ! It was nice to catch up with some of my cousins and enjoy some yummy food ! My girls loved spending time with their cousins , they hadn 't seen them in about 1 1 / 2 years ( thanks to me being pregnant ! ) All of my neices and nephews ( 10 cousins all together with my kids ) enjoyed several days together . We did our cousin Christmas gift exchange and my kids were very happy with their new toys . Kessiah got a bop it , Jenessa acquired some new Littlest Pet Shop toys , Sienna updated our Candyland and Chutes & Ladders games and Logan loves his new set of tools that look just like Daddy 's ! We left Mason out of the mix this year , I didn 't think he would mind too much . We got to celebrate my Dad 's birthday as well as having a early birthday party for Kessiah . Kessiah was quite surprised when Ryan wheeled out a bicycle for her present ( ya gotta love Black Friday sales ! ) We got it home safely tied to the top of the van ! The trip was better than I expected . On the way there the boys did quite well , we had to stop and feed Mason about every 2 hours . . . but it went pretty smooth . On the way back it wasn 't quite so pleasant . I think Mason cried / whined for about the last half of the trip . At a few points along the way both boys were " singing " together . At least Ryan and I were able to keep a good attitude through it . My girls would have liked to have seen some snow during our week at Nana and Papa 's house , but that didn 't happen until we were on our way home when we saw some snow in Flagstaff . Jenessa was ready to lay down in the Wendy 's parking lot where we had stopped for dinner and make a snow angel , she wasn 't very happy that we made her get in the van ! WOW ! My baby girl turned 4 years old this week ! She is very exuberant and full of life . She has a very hard time being quiet , sometimes I have to ask her to stop talking for a few minutes so my brain can have a moment of silence ! She loves to get attention from mommy and daddy , which I know she craves ( after all , she is right smack dab in the middle of 2 big sisters and 2 little brothers ! ) . She loves it when her sisters play with her . She knows her letters and has recently learned how to write her name . She has a hard time trying to decide if she wants to do school like her sisters or just play ( or pick on ) Logan all day ! She wanted to have pancakes for her birthday dinner , I was happy to make such an easy request ! I made our traditional birthday cake . . . funfetti . But I switched it up a bit with pink frosting and heart sprinkles on top . An interesting note . . . for 2 weeks the ages of our children are 8 , 6 , 4 , 2 , and 0 ! No wonder I 'm tired at the end of the day ! Another fun night for the kids . . . we had a Miss Universe , 2 fairies , a giraffe and a black cat . We went to a trunk or treat at the church and then Ryan took the two oldest girls around the neighborhood . We have more candy than we 've ever had before ! I have enjoyed way too many Reese 's peanut butter cups ! Hopefully , the chocolate will be gone soon ! This little cutie is full of smiles and starting to giggle . If only I could get him to sleep through the night on a regular basis ! He has done it a few times . . . so I know he can do it ! Posted by So , during lunch today I was telling the girls that we would go out this afternoon and buy Christmas gifts for our cousin gift exchange . ( We will send them up north with NaNa who is here visiting right now ) . Sienna was getting excited thinking that we were buying gifts for her . Ryan told her that she was only going to get Christmas presents if she was good . And her reply was " But I make trouble ! " And then she proceeded to name a few things that she did to make trouble . It was very funny how she could so easily admit guilt ! I took Mason on his first field trip today ( ok , so we have been to a play group as well as numerous soccer games / practices , the library , shopping , etc . ) One of the homeschool groups we belong to had a post office field trip today . I took Kessiah , Jenessa and Mason . My mom is here for a couple of weeks so I was able to leave Sienna and Logan home with her . Honestly , I wouldn 't have gone if I had those two along for the ride ! I 've done it before and it isn 't pretty ! We all decided that we did like visiting the fire station and police station better than the post office , but it was interesting . The boys had check ups at the doctor this morning . Logan didn 't have to get any shots today ( yeah ! ) . Mason had 3 shots ( it could have been worse since 3 of the vaccines were combined into one shot ! I Love That ! ) Here are the stats : Loganweight 25 lbs 13 oz ( 25 % ) length 33 1 / 4 in ( 15 % ) Masonweight 13 lbs ( 35 % ) length 22 3 / 4 in ( 45 % ) Mason has gained 4 pounds since his 2 week appointment , he is our little chunky monkey ! If I could just get him to sleep better at night ! Twice in the past week he has kept me up well past 2 : 00 a . m . Last night he was up every 2 hours , yet he has slept until 4 : 00 - 5 : 00 in the past ! Sienna really wants to feed Mason . Often , while Mason is lying on her lap she will lift up her shirt and try to turn his head toward her belly . She did this last evening and I told her that she did not have any milk to give to him . She said " Yes , I do . . . I just drank some ! " So nice of her to want to share ! Wow , they do grow up fast ! It 's always amazing to me how much faster time passes when I 'm NOT pregnant ! A couple of things I LOVE about this age . * Those first smiles , I love those gummy grins . They just make my heart melt , especially when I 'm so tired and just want more sleep ! Of course , Mason smiled at Ryan first ( life is so unfair sometimes ! ) * I love the weight of my baby of my chest while he is sleeping and I 'm sitting down . It feels so perfect to just sit and hold my baby . Of course , since he is the youngest of 5 , I don 't get to just sit and hold him very much . . . it seems as though someone always needs me for something ! Posted by I canned my peaches yesterday . Thankfully , I had some help getting started . My friend came over and helped me get all my peaches in the jars , it only took us about 2 hours to do 2 boxes . Of course , it took the rest of the day to process all the jars . Thankfully , I used my friends canner as well as my own . . . but it still took me until 7 : 00 that night to finish . I got 38 quarts out of my day 's work . They are beautiful ! I had 1 bottle that didn 't seal , I think I make some peach crisp ( yum ! ) Kessiah was very helpful in slicing the peaches and putting them in the jars . Jenessa had fun putting sugar in the bottles ( since sugar is her favorite food group ! ) I also made a small batch of plum sauce . I canned one 1 / 2 pint jar and kept another in the fridge to use now . We got about 8 plums in the fruit basket from the co - op and we don 't eat raw plums very well ( too tart ) . So I looked around for something to make with them and found a plum sauce . Kessiah and I ate some pot stickers for lunch using the plum sauce as a dip . . . yummy ! Last evening Ryan told me he remembered eating ( and enjoying ) plum crisp as a kid . Next time we get plums I 'll have to try that . I know , I don 't have time for a new hobby but . . . I bought a pressure canner this week at Walmart . I have recently become intrigued about the idea of canning foods . I remember helping my mom and grandparents when I was young , but I haven 't had an interest in doing it myself until now . And I ordered 2 cases of peaches that I will pick up on Saturday . So , I will start off by canning peaches ( yes , I know I don 't need a pressure canner for those ) . I 'm so excited to see my pretty jars of peaches ! I think aliens have invaded my son 's body ! Seriously , since his birthday he has decided that he can do certain things all by himself ! He has also started throwing some serious temper tantrums ! He insists on putting on and taking off his pants / shorts / pajama bottoms . He tries to take his diaper off . . . and sometimes succeeds . He takes his shoes and socks off constantly . He tries to take his shirts off but that one is a bit tougher and he rarely succeeds . Yesterday at church he kept taking off his shoes and socks . After 15 minutes of putting them back on each time he got them off , I gave up and just let them stay off . Then , before I knew it he was handing me his pants ! Yes , the boy took his pants off in the middle of sacrament meeting ! Thankfully , he still had his diaper on ! I quickly put his pants back on and hoped nobody saw him ! I 'm sure the incident went unnoticed except for maybe the people sitting right behind us . Just when I get Sienna to the point where she wants to wear clothes . . . the next one comes along ! Ahhh . . . the joys of motherhood ! Yes , I know that meal preparation is one of the many things that mothers do . . . but I did not do so well at it while I was pregnant ! I realized last night as my kids were eating dinner BEFORE soccer practice how nice it was to feed my kids before we left . ( Even if it was just a frozen pizza ! ) The reason this was significant to me is because all during basketball season in the winter and Little League season last spring I would just tell my kids to grab some bread or string cheese or whatever before we walked out the door to their games / practices . I just did not have the energy to make them anything . . . or at least make them anything in time to eat before we left . Sienna and Logan spent the entire first part of 2009 scrounging for whatever they could find . I know we are supposed to teach our children to be independent . . . but that was a bit much ! It is just nice to feel like myself again ! I smile when I think that 15 years ago I married my best friend , my love , the one that I share my wonderful life with . I laugh when I think that 2 years ago I was thinking that for our 15th wedding anniversary that maybe we could leave the kids with my parents and get away for a night . . . maybe another year ! I do feel very blessed to have a wonderful husband and 5 great kids . Yes , my life is crazy busy but I wouldn 't trade it for anything ! Well , what do you expect when you let 3 and 4 year olds name their own soccer team ! It looks like Sienna 's soccer team will be the Grasshoppers ! One little girl was not very happy , she thought they should be the Ants . She thought that grasshoppers were lazy and ants did all the work . She has either been watching " A Bug 's Life " or her mom is reading Aesop 's Fables to her ! I guess if you think of the grasshoppers in " A Bug 's Life " they are pretty fierce looking ! So , I 'm sorry to say that I have not read to my children since mid - December when I started to get sick . But our regular mommy reading time has returned every day after lunch . We just finished our first book . The Water Horse by Dick King - Smith is a charming book . We watched the DVD awhile ago , now the girls want to see it again . . . so I have it on reserve at the library . It 's nice to be getting back to normal around here ( if there really is a normal ! ) We have still not returned to our previous ( pre - pregnancy ) extra - curricular schedule . . . and I 'm thinking that we won 't for a little while still ! And I 'm ok with that ! Dance and karate are still on the back - burner . I think that every other week at the library will be good enough . . . especially since at least one of the little ones prevents Kessiah and Jenessa from playing on the computers . The girls ask occasionally when they can do karate again and my standard answer for the past 6 months has been . . . January . So , hopefully by January I 'll be ready to go with that again ! We are starting soccer soon ( Jenessa has her first practice this week ) and all three girls will be playing ! Whew , am I ready for 3 soccer games every Saturday ! ? ! Kessiah and Jenessa have also gotten back into gymnastics this month . I 'll try to get some pictures posted sometime this weekend ! We celebrated with cake and presents yesterday at lunch ( since Kessiah had a birthday party to go to that evening ) . Unfortunately , he was getting a little grumpy by the time we were ready to celebrate because he was ready for a nap . But , he got a smile back on his face when I put a piece of cake in front of him ! He is such a cute little boy . I think back to when I had my ultrasound with him and we found out we were having a boy ! What a shock ! I wasn 't sure what to do with a boy . But he has added a wonderful dimension to our family . He has been having a tough time adapting to being kicked out of his " baby " position in the family . The other day , I was in the kitchen and heard Mason crying on the couch in the family room . I went in to check on him and found Logan lying on top of him ! Logan also has to deal with Sienna on a daily basis ! ( that sounded very negative , but it is a difficult position to be in for a 2 year old boy ! ) She either wants to be his best friend and plays with him really well or she is tormenting him and making him scream on a nearly constant basis ! Well , let me just start by saying that having 5 kids under 9 years is not for the faint of heart ! It can keep a girl busy . . . and I say that while my mom is still here ! Today was Mason 's due date , but he showed up 12 days early . I 'm really ( really , really ) glad he did since he weighed in at 9 pounds . All the others have been right at 7 1 / 2 pounds , so I 'm not sure who was sneaking Mason the growth hormone ! So , a few birth details . . . I started having some contractions the day before he was born , but nothing that was very painful or very regular . Ryan did stay home from volleyball that night just in case , but by the time we went to bed they had stopped ! However , I woke up about 12 : 30 a . m . with painful contractions and was awake with them until about 4 : 30 a . m . when I asked Ryan if he had everything ready to go . He got up and got some things ready . We made a phone call to some friends asking if we could drop our kids off . We dropped the kids off about 5 : 30 and were at the hospital about 6 : 00 a . m . I was dilated to a 4 when we got there , so I immediately asked for an epidural . I figured if I was only a 4 , I wanted drugs ! By the time the anesthesiologist got there about 8 : 00 ( don 't ask me why it took so long ! ) I was dilated to an 8 and my doctor sent him away ! Why ? You may be asking . . . well , because Logan came so quickly that my doctor thought I would have this baby in the next 30 minutes . But Mason didn 't really want to come out ! He wasn 't born until 10 : 10 a . m . So , at some point when I was a 9 I did get an epidural . I was hesitant to get it at that point because I got one when I was an 8 with Sienna and it didn 't work all that well . . it did take some of the edge off the pain , but I wanted more ! However , this epidural was perfect ! It started working almost immediately and wore off really quickly so I could walk around soon after delivery . So , here we are . . . a family of 7 ! Wow ! Pretty amazing when you consider where we were 10 years ago ! So , I 'm doing well . . . just a little tired ! I feel so much better and my kids are excited to havePosted by Our 4th of July was a little untraditional for us . We actually stayed at home . . . for obvious reasons ! Since I have a hard time doing very much walking right now , we spent most of the weekend at home . Ryan got several projects completed including putting together our barbecue that we have had for awhile ! We had a really good rain storm in the afternoon that damaged some of our corn . That evening we went to a barbecue at the church and watched the fireworks from the lawn there as well . We were a little disappointed in the fact that Arizona outlaws all fireworks except the ones put on by cities . So we couldn 't even have some sparklers . Ryan did buy some confetti popper things but that was the extent of our personal fireworks ! Another month gone by . . . I 'm not usually so anxious for time to pass but right now I am ! I have 5 1 / 2 more weeks to go and if this baby doesn 't come early I am going to fall apart ! This has been the hardest 3rd trimester I 've had . . . I must be getting too old for this ! We did manage to do a session of swimming lessons in June . Kessiah and Jenessa did really well . Sienna has a bit of an attitude and didn 't cooperate very well with her teacher ( nothing new for those of you who know her . . . just attitude ! ) Our YMCA has a place where they will watch your kids for a short period of time , it 's not something I use very often . . . but that 's where Logan went during swimming lessons . I just didn 't have the energy to chase him around the pool area ! It was a lifesaver for me right now ! We also made it to the library once a week for the summer reading program . Unfortunately , ( for the girls ) it is over . The library isn 't doing it for the entire summer this year so they can get ready to move into their new building in September . Tuesday was the last program . The library gives away a little goodie bag and each child gets to pick a new book on the last day . Also the 2 kids in each grade that read the most books also wins a t - shirt . Kessiah and Jenessa both won the t - shirts for their age groups . Of course it helps to have a pregnant mom who doesn 't want to go anywhere . . . so their choice of activities are read or play . I had such a hard time on Tuesday at the library , I honestly thought the air conditioning was out ! One of the librarians took pity on me and found a fan to plug in that I could sit in front of . I think it saved my life ! Ryan took the girls to see the movie UP this month . It is the first time Sienna had been to the movie theatre since she was about 12 months old . At that time we went to see a movie and she lasted about 5 minutes before I had to take her out into the foyer where we spent the remainder of the movie . That is probably the last time I 've been to the theatre as well ! Ryan said Sienna sat down and looked at the screen Posted by * Kessiah and Jenessa had their dance recital . They did a great job . We are sad that their dance teacher is moving . She has been teaching dance out of her house for the past 3 years and has been great ( not to mention tons cheaper than going to a studio ! ) It looks as though someone else we know is going to start teaching though , so the dancing will continue ! * I had a good Mother 's Day . Sienna kept telling me " Happy Mommy 's Day " She must have seen something today that reminded her of it because she even told me " Happy Mommy 's Day " today ! Every Mother 's Day at church the children get up an sing a song . This year Sienna was old enough to get up and sing too . But the whole time she was up there , she was crying for me ! Jenessa was standing by her and even put her arm around her shoulders at one point to try to console her ( so sweet ! ) It was hilarious . . . at least it made me laugh and not cry ! * We have our garden planted . Our peas , corn , carrots , beets and cucumbers have really struggled , so Ryan planted a few more peas , corn and cucumbers . We also have some tomatoes , squash and pumpkins growing . * We are done with school until August ! Yeah , I was ready for this break ! I just didn 't have enough energy to keep up with school and the house ! We are also taking a break over the summer from gymnastics . Hopefully , we 'll manage to get at least one swimming lesson session in . * Ryan painted over Memorial Day weekend . I have lived my whole life in houses with white walls ( don 't worry , I 'm ok with that ! ) When we moved into this house about 19 months ago , we talked about painting some walls but never got around to it . When I asked Ryan what he wanted to do over the 3 day weekend he said " paint . " I didn 't really think he meant it , but sure enough we ended up at Home Depot on Saturday buying paint . So far he has painted a wall in the kitchen blue and most of the front room tan . ( I say most because we need to get more paint to finish it , but the store has to order more base before we can get it . . . just a little aggravating ! ) We also have paint for the kid 's rooms and the entry . I have to say that I love having a little color on the walls , it 's beautiful ! One of the best things about homeschooling so far has been my ability to play such a vital part in teaching my kids to read . . . it is so exciting ! Jenessa has learned how to read over the past year and in the past few months she has really improved a lot in her reading skills . Lately , she will pick up nonfiction books and tell me random facts that she is reading about . It cracks me up because some of the things that she tells me are facts that she already knew but it 's like she is learning them for the first time ! It has been fun to see Jenessa turn into another book lover like Kessiah . We went to the library today to sign up for the summer reading program . I told the girls last night that they needed to do a few things before we left this morning . They carefully took note of what needed to be done and Jenessa asked Kessiah to wake her up ( Kessiah is the early riser in our family ) . Ryan got up about 5 : 45 ( he has been waking up early lately as well , probably due to the sun rising earlier ) and found the girls up already working at their assigned tasks ! He told me about it more than an hour later when I came to conciousness ! Crazy kids . . . but we did get to the library almost as soon as it opened this morning . I am thrilled to have kids who love to read and are excited to go to the library . After we got home from the library , Kessiah and Jenessa were anxious to get started on their reading logs . . . so it has been a rather quiet day for me . I 'm going to have trouble keeping enough reading material available for them ! Jenessa read 27 books today ! After she read 3 Biscuit books I told her she could continue to read those but they were too easy for her to write down on her reading log . Does anyone has any book suggestions for a 1st to 4th grade reading levels ? I 'm going to need some this summer ! Sienna ( who is always trying to keep up with her big sisters ) loves to pretend to read books and sometimes tells quite the stories to go along with the book she is " reading " Logan is the first child I have really had to watch carefully aroPosted by So , I figured out how to deal with my Logan / shoe problem . I just have to keep Logan 's shoes on him all day and then he can 't put anyone else 's shoes on ! I know that may seem obvious to some people , but we are in the habit of not wearing shoes in the house . My girls take off their shoes practically the second they walk in the door . Anyway , it seems to be working very well . Logan will still come to me a few times a day and want his shoes off ( especially when the girls are putting shoes on ) , but I don 't take them off . Ahh . . . don 't you just love simple solutions ! I know , strange topic . . . but I had to do a little venting about shoes in our house ! For the past several months Sienna has been giving me fits about finding shoes whenever we leave the house . She cannot seem to put them in the coat closet that is right inside our front door when we get home . So . . . when it is time to leave to go somewhere she cannot find her shoes ! It has been driving me crazy . . . at a time when my patience level is already down a few notches ! Now the problem is only getting worse thanks to Logan . One of his favorite things to do is to put on his sister 's shoes and walk around the house / backyard with them . I 'm sure he picks his sister 's shoes since he can reach them ( unlike Mom and Dad 's shoes ) and he can put them on by himself ( unlike his own shoes ) . So , now we not only have trouble finding Sienna 's shoes when we are in the process of walking out the door . . . we can 't find shoes for Kessiah or Jenessa either ! Lately when they go in the backyard they don 't even bother trying to find a matching pair of shoes . . . they just find a shoe for each foot ! Unfortunately , that isn 't acceptable when we are going out in public ! I chopped my hair yesterday . . . really . I got more than 12 inches cut off ( yes , Locks of Love will get it ! ) It is now just above my shoulders . It 's even shorter than it was when I got it cut at the time I was pregnant with Sienna ( which was pretty short for me ) . I will admit , it is a little shorter than I would like it , but my hair grows fast and summer is approching so it is just great for now . Sienna told me that I look stupid with this hair ( what is it with my 3 year old ? ! I 'm not sure why she has picked up on that word lately ) Jenessa doesn 't like it either . Kessiah had her first piano recital on Friday evening . She did a great job and is progressing well . I am proud of her for being so good at practicing with very little reminding . It was at her teacher 's house , which was nice since I ended up taking Sienna and Logan outside for about half of the recital . They have a really hard time sitting still and being quiet ( surprise , surprise , surprise ! ) Last weekend was Easter . It was a little rainy and cold here so we had our egg hunt in the house . Logan caught on quickly to the idea of putting the eggs in his basket ( although he refers to them as balls ! ) And he really caught on to the candy idea when he saw Sienna opening her eggs and eating the candy inside ! He was so excited he started popping the candy in his mouth with the wrappers on so I had to be quick and take the candy away before he could eat it before unwrapping . Sometimes my kids crack me up ! They say and do the funniest things . . . such as . . . Today I was doing history with Jenessa . She had already peeked ahead at part of today 's lesson last week . When we got to the part that she had already seen , she told me she had looked at it . I asked her if she wanted to look at it again . She said ' Yes , I liked it but I 'm good at forgetting things . " That made me laugh . . . " I 'm good at forgetting " I think Sienna finally understands that there is a baby in my tummy . We 've had several conversations about how she needs to be careful when she comes to lie down by me on the couch so she doesn 't hurt my belly ( and when she does hurt me she asks where the baby is and gives him a kiss ! ) A few days ago , she asked me if the baby had a toy . I guess she wonders what the little guy does in there all day with nothing to play with ! ( by the way we are still clueless on names ! ) Logan is doing well with his speech development . Unfortunately , he sometimes get stuck on a word . We went to a sporting goods store to get Kessiah a new softball mitt ( she claims her old one is too small ) . I think Logan was overwhelmed with the amount of balls in the store and let us know it ! He could not stop saying ball and pointing to all the balls and trying to touch all the balls ! It was ball heaven and he loved it ! Another one of Logan 's favorite words is doggie . Unfortunately , every animal is a dog . So if I 'm reading a book with him he points to every animal and says doggie whether it is a dinosaur or Winnie the Pooh ! Any animal toy we have is also a doggie , regardless of what the animal really is . So , some of our conversations are as follows . He shows me a pig and says " doggie " I say " pig " He says " doggie " I say " pig " " oink oink " He says " doggie " I say " pig " " oink oink " You get the idea ! We recently watched a dog movie for family movie night ( a Friday night tradition at our house ) . . . . Beverly Hills Chihuahua . I seriously had to put the boy to bed because we couldn 't hear the movie over his constant babble of " doggie , doggie , dogPosted by Pictures coming soon ! Jenessa turned 6 several days ago ( I 'm a little slow in posting ) . She woke up wanting the day to be like Christmas . She thought that Ryan shouldn 't have to go to work and she didn 't think she should have to do any school ! Well , Ryan did have to go to work and unfortunately he also had meetings all evening . I told her that she only had to pick 2 school subjects to do that day ( she picked math and phonics ! ) Since Ryan had to work late but is able to come home for lunch , that is when we opened presents and had cake and ice cream . She was thrilled with her new stash of polly pockets ( all three girls have played with them nearly nonstop all week ! ) She was disappointed that we couldn 't go out and do anything that evening . She kept suggesting things that I just couldn 't do with all 4 kids by myself . However , the next evening she did have a party for her basketball team and Freedom Station ( think Peter Piper Pizza or a really small version of Chuck E Cheese ) . She had a great time there playing the games . On Saturday she chose to go out to eat at Applebees . I don 't know why my kids like that place , but I 'm glad they do because I like it ! ( I had the Santa Fe Chicken Salad , yummy ! ) I realized however while we were there that there is one thing that scares me more than going grocery shopping with 5 children and that is going to a restaurant with 5 children ! Maybe in a few years in won 't be so bad but our 1 year old and 3 year old are trouble ! I 'm sure it won 't happen often , it already happens only on birthdays now . Tonight Sienna asked me when we can feed our dogs alphabet soup ! Now , for those of you who may not be PBS watchers that comment might be a bit confusing . But , my children have been watching too much T . V . lately . . . even if it is only PBS . There is a show called Martha Speaks where a dog ate alphabet soup and suddenly started talking like a human , so now her humans feed her alphabet soup all the time ! So , I can just see Sienna 's mind at work wondering if that would work with our dogs ! Yep , that was the comment I got yesterday as we sat down to eat dinner . Ryan had bought a roast , potatoes and carrots on Saturday and I put it in the oven Sunday before we left for church . I figured getting a roast in the oven was something I could handle ! And yes , I had to do it by myself since Ryan has meetings before church . As we sat down to eat Kessiah said " You finally cooked something ! " It did taste good to eat some real food ( instead of spaghettios , mac & cheese , bread and butter , yogurt or my favorite . . . a bowl of cold cereal ) I would love to eat more real food if I could get someone to come and make me some every day ! Logan went to nursery at church for the first time yesterday . He did great ! Thankfully , they have 2 nursery classes ( older and younger ) so Logan 's class is young and few ! There were only 4 kids and 2 adults . Great ratio ! Unfortunately , my stomach has been a little queasy today . At least I 'm having fewer and fewer queasy days . . . now I 'm mostly just tired ! Ryan has been looking on Craigslist . com over the past 4 - 6 weeks looking for a piano ( while I 've been on the couch ! ) . I have wanted one for so long . When we were looking at houses in our most recent move I had to nix several homes because they had no room for a piano and that was a goal of mine in the near future ! Kessiah has been taking piano lessons since the beginning of last summer , but all we have had is a keyboard . It has worked fine , but she has complained occasionally about not having a piano . So , Ryan found one recently . . . we went to check it out . . . it seemed like a nice piano . . . so we agreed to buy it ! We picked it up this morning and now it has a new home on the big blank wall in our front room ! It looks so nice there ! Ok , I decided to get off the couch and come up for a breath of fresh air ! I am slowly feeling better . . . I can say I feel better than I did 3 weeks ago ! Several weeks ago Ryan brought home some Chinese food . I opened a fortune cookie hoping for some inspiration to make me feel better . I couldn 't help but laugh when I read " Children will play an important role in your life . " I couldn 't believe that at this stage in my life , right now , I would get such a message ! I guess it was meant for me ! Ok , now I have to share some Sienna moments because . . . well . . . read on . Here 's a conversation I had with Sienna sometime in January . Sienna : I don 't have any bugers in my noseMe : OK ( I 'm not sure what the correct response is to a statement like that ! ) Sienna : I took them out with my fingerMe : OK ( Again , correct response ? ) Sienna : I took them out and ate themMe : ( pause . . . because my stomach was really hurting by this moment ) Sienna , we don 't eat our bugers , we put them in the garbage ! ( Then I proceeded to review this over the next several days ) The other night Ryan was gone with Kessiah and Jenessa ( basketball practice and grocery shopping . . . I don 't think I have set foot in a grocery store since December because of my wonderful husband ) . I was on the couch ( wow , that 's new ) in the family room and Sienna and Logan were in the kitchen . I could hear them and it sounded like they were having fun , snacking on something like chips or crackers . I didn 't feel the need to get up and check on them because I could hear them both and they sounded fine . Well , fast forward several minutes and Logan comes walking into the family room . . . I can barely recognize my own child because his face and the front half of his head are COVERED in CHOCOLATE PUDDING ! Sienna had been " painting " her little brother . . . no wonder they sounded like they were having fun ! Oh my , I didn 't know whether to start screaming or laughing ! I did grab the camera but the battery was dead . Thankfully , Ryan got home just as I put the little ones in the tub so I had some help cleaning up thePosted by Well , since Carrine seems to be couch ridden for a while , I thought I 'd throw a few pictures up here . Kessiah lost her first upper tooth tonight , so she looks pretty funny ! Seems like it 's been loose for two months , but she bit into an apple the other day and that really made it loose . Here 's a picture of Kessiah 's pets that she got for her 8th birthday . The dark brown one is Milky Way and the lighter brown one is Rascal . Logan had so much fun on Christmas Day that he took a little nap in his high chair ! We will return to regularly scheduled blogging as soon as I can get off the couch ! Don 't ask me why I am lucky enough to get another August baby ! ( I hope you can hear the sarcasm in that sentence ) . We really are excited and a little nervous ( are we really going to have 5 children ! ) Jenessa has been praying for about 6 months for Logan to get a baby brother . She felt bad for him since he was the only boy child . . . we 'll see . It looks like he will at least have a younger sibling .
|
It 's the first day of the summer and we are in big trouble here , people . I was so happy to have a loose day finally , even though we had so much to do . It 's been a super crazy few weeks . The boys spent the better part of the morning ( while I tried to clean up the kitchen and get some laundry going ) arguing in the playroom downstairs . Matt and I stared at each other in disbelief at how they were acting . Within three minutes I turned off the monitor so I didn 't have to hear it , but before long it found its way to me . Lyle had produced a " magic balloon " which was said to create imaginary , invisible toys overnight that only belonged to him and couldn 't EVER be seen by Baxter . For his part , Baxter went completely bananas over this . He is , um , literal . And sometimes less than flexible . He couldn 't handle that Lyle kept taunting him , saying , " It 's REAL , Baxter ! " This , by the way , made Lyle a " liar " . No one could let it go and I could not stand the inanity of it all . Before too long , we left to go on some All - Important Secret Mystery Errands . ( Let me remind you : Father 's Day is Sunday , June 20 . ) One or the other of them complained bitterly the whole way there , which only indicates to me that they haven 't had to go on enough shopping trips lately . Guess who 's going to a LOT of stores with me this summer ? Ahem . Anyway , there was a lot of attitude from both of them along the way , but they soon realized they only got to play Angry Birds between errands if they 'd behaved themselves in the store . We had a decent stretch for a while there , eating lunch and taking Gus out for a walk that ended at the playground . Lyle climbed a tree and Baxter played on the swing for ages , and there was peace in the kingdom . But on the walk back home , conversation turned to summer camp , which begins for both of them the second week of summer break . Lyle has never been , but has always loved it when we dropped off and picked up his brother . Furthermore , he was so excited at the camp orientation that he wanted to start the next day . But somehow between that night in May and the transition of kindergarten ending , he has not only lost enthusiasm but seems to believe his life will end the day camp starts . He bitched . He moaned . He raged against camp and us and the entire world , calling all of it " stupid " . He won 't go , he 'll stay home . When I pointed out that we 'll all be at work or camp , he yelled that he 'd call 911 and the police would come take care of him ( ! ) . He was acting like an out - of - control spoiled brat , to put it bluntly , all the way down the sidewalk . Then he began kicking as he walked , and I sternly warned him to stop because he had almost kicked Gus in the head . Sure enough , along came another kick that DID catch Gus in the head . The dog who is already incredibly uncomfortable with a few hot spots and is going to the vet later today . I blew my top , friends . I angrily hauled Lyle back next to me by the arm and moved him over to sit on a grassy lawn next to us . There was a whole camp group leaving the beach walking past us so I wanted to get him out of the way fast so that I could deal with him . It is possible that I let loose with a " Goddammit " as I did so , but I cannot be sure . He was shocked and outraged by being moved in that way . I never manhandle my kids . I felt horrible and he was infuriated , but I was still at the end of my rope . He suggested afterwards that instead of grabbing him I should 've " stuffed a donut in [ his ] mouth " , which broke the tension for Baxter and me but our laughter only upset him further . He mouthed off the rest of the way home . When we got home he was sentenced to time out until he calmed down . Later , we talked about all the changes going on for him right now and how nervous they make him . I had tried to bring that up when he was raging about camp , sure that anxiety was the root cause of his misbehavior ( it usually is ) , but he was already too far gone at that point . He admitted to being sad about kindergarten being over . He loves school and his friends , and said it 's not as much fun to be home . I suggested that this is why kids go to camp in the summer , to play with lots of kids again and have fun , and he didn 't argue this time . However , he did tell me afterwards that if we talk about camp again he 's going to go into the bathroom and flush himself down the toilet . He 's not at ALL dramatic . On Memorial Day two years ago , I wrote a post about the way we taught Baxter to ride his bike without training wheels . It worked great and he was able to do it in a single afternoon . The process involves removing both the training wheels and the pedals and essentially creating your own balance bike ( these little pedal - less bikes that have become so popular ) because the idea is that once the child learns to balance himself you can then add steering and then pedaling and voila ! We wished we 'd known to do that earlier and vowed to try it sooner with Lyle . Last summer we were prepared to try it with him , but he was so freaked out about the upcoming kindergarten year that he declared on an almost daily basis that he wanted to be a baby again , NOT a big boy . ( Here 's some proof of that . ) Therefore , instead of taking his training wheels off he went back to using his tricycle , tear - assing on that thing around the bike path like it was his job . Fast forward to this weekend . Lyle was desperate to take his bike out to the park and learn to ride without training wheels . ( Yes , he really has come a LONG way ; he is also super - pumped about first grade ! ) And so , Matt took off the training wheels and pedals and once some massive thunderstorms had moved through , we all went to the park . But then things started to go downhill - and not just his bike . We saw the look on his face and knew things were taking a turn for the worse . After only a few tries we had to take a break on a bench to collect ourselves . And by " ourselves " I mean " our child " . We were kind , we were understanding , we tried to figure out what we could do differently to help him . Then we were cheerleaders , letting him know HE COULD DO IT ! and YAY HOORAH HOORAY ! as we walked back to the top of the rise . He staged a sit - in . I really wanted Lyle to try again , not because I care if he learns to ride his bike without training wheels this summer but because I know him - and I was pretty sure that if he left the park without some sense of success it would be a very long time before he would attempt it again . But he would not try again . The training wheels went back on . On the walk home he and I talked about it . I praised him for trying and being so brave , and reminded him of all the times he picked his feet up off the ground . Lyle confessed that he thought it was going to be easy - I 'm sure it looks that way when other people do it . His expectations were too high . I explained to him that when Baxter did it he learned so quickly because he was 7 1 / 2 - a full two years older than Lyle is . That seemed to help a bit . We 'll see if he 'll try anytime soon but we made sure he knew that anytime he wants to attempt it again we 'll take the training wheels off . In the meantime I 'm focusing on how many ways Lyle has come out of his shell this past year and moved out of his comfort zone . Only he can control that , and that 's the way it should be . The rest of us just need to sit tight and enjoy the ride . Raising kids in a big city can be challenging . The difficulties that typically send parents running for the hills aren 't necessarily the things that have been difficult for me ; I revel in the busy - ness , the racial and economic diversity , and even the loud Loyola students and occasional singing drunkard in the alley outside our bedroom late at night . Those things give the neighborhood a lot of character , and I love that there 's a coffee shop , bank , movie theatre , used bookstore , Chinese take - out , dry cleaners , and music store all within half a block of my front door . I don 't mind that we lack a backyard for the kids and dog to run free and the privacy of a single family home : I like our daily forays into the big park along the lake or the small play lots nestled between houses where we run into friends and neighbors and meet new people . And we 're lucky enough to like our condo neighbors and have a great situation where kids can get together and play in their pajamas if they so choose ( and they do ) . But other things are challenging about raising kids in a city as big as Chicago . Getting them into a good public school takes time , energy , and the resources to know how to navigate a complicated and often frustrating system . Happily , there are quite a few families close by whose kids attend our kids ' magnet school ( which is 20 - 25 minutes away ) , so the boys do have friends very nearby and we have a great carpool community , but it 's still not the same as walking to school with friends every day . ( There are no school buses here for public school kids unless your child has transportation written into an IEP . By the middle school years - and certainly high school - my kids will be on public transportation to and from school . ) Although they have many benefits , by and large , city schools don 't have the resources many other schools have . One reason we chose our kids ' school was because of the strong level of parent support and commitment we saw there . Parents raise tens of thousands of dollars each year for the music program , among other things , and we make an automatic donation to the school 's fund - raising organization every month . The school is amazing and well worth the extra funds and commute - I always say if this were a private school I 'd gladly pay the tuition - but once in a while I dream of being at a neighborhood school where the daily logistics would be easier and my kids ' friends wouldn 't live all over the north side . Despite the day - to - day challenges , there are near - constant reminders of why I love raising my kids in this urban environment . Over the past few days my kids have had a string of really amazing opportunities that remind me of the advantages of our city life . And if you 'd like to consider the following to be three - posts - I 've - been - meaning - to - write all crammed into one , I would support that . First , on Saturday morning , I took the boys to a family drop - in class at the fabulous Lill Street Art Center . I love Lill Street , and not just because I am obsessed with both First Slice Cafe ( where a portion of the proceeds go to the homeless ) and the gallery shop inside . My new office is only two blocks from there so they may fear I have actually moved in . I 've been encouraging the boys to consider taking an art class or camp session but they 've been reticent , so when I noticed this family drop - in hour for only $ 10 per person , I signed us up so they 'd get more familiar with the place . We all loved it . For an hour , we sat together and let our creative juices flow . The boys made dogs , each in their own way ( Lyle 's has a miniature bowl of food and Baxter 's has a huge bone and stands on a rug ) and I learned to make a bowl . We used various tools , chatted with another family , and had fun painting on the glaze . We 're looking forward to picking up our work in two weeks . The boys were so enthusiastic about the class that we decided to go back frequently and make Christmas gifts for relatives there this year . They are disappointed that I suggested we go once a month ; they 'd like to go more often . And I 'll add that it was wonderful to see my two boys engaged in a fine motor task that was so motivating for them . I wanted to take a photo or two here but since my hands were covered with clay it just didn 't seem like a good idea . On Saturday afternoon we drove Baxter up to Northwestern University , where he is participating in the 4 - week L . A . B . S . program ( Laboratory Adventures in the Biological Sciences ) . This is an incredible opportunity for kids interested in science - they wear real lab coats and work in small groups with students in an actual university science lab for two hours a week . The department has a grant to run this program , making it very affordable . I can 't express how much Baxter loves it ! I am also pleased with the emphasis on health in their experiments . One week they studied the effects of SPF - 30 on cells and last week he ran an experiment on the effects of nicotine on human cells , and he 's been struck by the very obvious results . Yesterday he sat with me and showed me all the work and information in his binder and I was impressed with how much he knows and how much of it I didn 't learn until high school . He goes into the lab with his widest grin . The older he gets , the more I see his strengths in math and science . The dude impresses me . And finally , today : Baxter 's school band performed at Meritfest , playing three challenging pieces of music on the main stage at Chicago 's Symphony Center with other bands from the city . As my mother - in - law wrote after looking at the photos tonight , " Can 't believe our Baxter is sitting just feet away from podium used by CSO greats like Georg Solti , Daniel Barenboim and Riccardo Muti . " My boy asked to iron his own clothes ( and quite nearly ironed his entire hand before I jumped in , which proves that mothers are helpful ! ) , strutted into the kitchen proudly this morning , and was incredibly excited to be on that stage in front of a big audience playing his flute . The acoustics were - naturally - beautiful . It was a special day and I was reminded of why we work so hard to raise money for our music program ( run by Merit School of Music ) . So , yes , there are challenges to raising our kids in an urban environment . But we also live in a world - class city with all kinds of unique opportunities right outside our door . Every time we are involved in one those things I am reminded that our efforts are worth it . Tenfold . It was almost time for Lyle to change into his pajamas this evening when I offered to take him on a short dog walk with me . We decided to walk just down to the beach and back to get a little fresh air . As Lyle ran ahead , screeching to a halt as if his shoes had some sort of braking system at each driveway and alleyway , I took in how still the night was . It had been a chilly and windy day here , necessitating my winter down coat for our earlier walks ; I didn 't need it anymore tonight . The beach lured us in , sunlight glowing on the rising waves . The air was still and we watched a dozen seagulls coasting over the water , waiting to see one diving for a fish . We talked about different types of shells we found and I showed him that there were huge shadows over the lake because the sun was setting behind us , behind the buildings at the end of our street . But where the sun was bright , the light on the water , the sand , and my boy was beautiful . The scene reminded me of one of my favorite Mother 's Days , when we lived in San Francisco , a few months before Lyle was born . I woke up in our apartment that day to breakfast in bed brought in by Matt and Baxter ( probably from Arizmendi Bakery ) , and we looked out our bedroom window at a clear , sunny spring day . On a fogless day like that we could see the ocean about 30 blocks away from our bed , and suddenly being there was all I wanted . And so the three of us headed out to play at Ocean Beach after breakfast and it was a glorious morning . My sense memory of the clear California sunlight and that blue , blue water is very strong . I felt lucky to be in it . As I thought about that long ago morning , I was overwhelmed with the realization that I was standing on a beach in Chicago this time , talking to that once unborn child , six years later on the eve of Mother 's Day , when suddenly it started to rain . Hard , and from out of nowhere . " Lyle ! " I said , delighted , " the sun is shining and it 's raining ! We should look for a - " I turned as I said it and there in front of us was suddenly forming the most incredible rainbow I 've seen in my life . It extended over Lake Michigan in a perfect arc , both ends resting atop the water right in front of us and appearing to be close enough that we could reach out , grab it and take it home in our pockets to admire later . As the colors became brighter and stronger , there emerged a slightly lighter second rainbow - a double rainbow ! - above it . I looked around but we were the only ones on the beach to witness this wonder so close up . If I 'd had my camera with me you would have thought I 'd photoshopped it in , it was that unbelievable . I searched for an image similar to it and it was somewhat like this one without the landforms behind it and a little brighter and closer . We stood there in amazement . I told my boy that seeing a rainbow like this will bring us great luck and we talked about how special it was to have seen it together . We stood back on the sidewalk before it faded and carefully made our own visual memories of it so we 'd never forget it . I know we never will . Oh , the squabbles . You know the ones I mean : not the Real Arguments ™ or Actual Disagreements © . The ones that start small and stay small but go on endlessly , throughout an entire interaction such as a car ride or an after - school snack . They begin as a few off - kilter notes and usually they continue along , a quiet low disgruntled hum . On occasion they hit a sudden angry crescendo when you least expect it over something minor that turned out unpredictably to be The Last Straw . I am fortunate . My kids don 't tend to squabble that much . In general , they get along better than most siblings I know , and are genuinely good friends . But when one of them is tired or in a bad mood , things get rolling in a bad direction quite easily . I generally try to stay out of their arguments , counseling them to talk to each other about it and work it out . Sometimes they get really stuck and do need my help . My tendency is to listen while they each share with the other what their needs are and facilitate them working it out . But recently the two of them were grumping at each other incessantly as we walked to the car after school . Little nitpicky , mean comments were flying back and forth . I stopped short and crouched down next to them . At first I was at a loss for words ( yes , me ! ) because I was so incredibly annoyed with their behavior . Finally able to talk , I noted sternly , " You two are stuck in a circle of unkindness . It doesn 't matter who started it or what it is about . The problem is that this could go on all afternoon because you both keep it going . This will take all the fun out of our afternoon and I will be much less likely to want to spend time with you . " They were listening intently . ( Although maybe this is because I was kneeling in front of them and had them backed up all the way against the schoolyard fence . But , hey , small details . ) I went on , " The only way to stop a circle of unkindness is for one of you to make the choice to start a new circle : a circle of kindness . It 's not easy but I know you are both capable of it . I hope one of you will choose to do that so that we can have an enjoyable afternoon . " And then I stood up and walked with them to the car without another word . For a moment both walked along quietly . One ( and I won 't name names here , but one of my children might be a wee bit less flexible than the other and it might surprise you to know which one that is ) continued to walk with a deep scowl on his face . The other , however , walked alongside him a few paces and then suddenly addressed his brother in a cheery voice about a new topic . And it worked . That particular meaningless spat was over and he 'd effectively hit the reset button on our afternoon . You 'd better believe I heaped on the praise . It sounds so basic . If you told me this was trite I wouldn 't argue . But that doesn 't mean it 's easy . I believe it 's one of the hardest things to do , because you 're not only " dropping it " , you 're given the onus of making the effort to start over in a kinder way . It requires practice . A lot of it . Please understand , I am not suggesting we should all just get along . I don 't think we ought to stop fighting the good fights , and we aren 't always going to be nice about them , nor should we be . But I do believe that if we stop and think about it , there are many people in our lives ( partners , siblings , neighbors ) with whom we have these relationships filled with meaningless , continuous little spats that really amount to circles of unkindness no one is willing to break . As you may recall , Lyle took up the violin last fall around the time Baxter started playing flute in band at school and in private lessons . He was an interested and willing participant , but I certainly drove the decision and made it happen . After a horrible start , we found a wonderful teacher who has done a fantastic job of moving him along at an appropriate pace . Throughout the winter , he was willing to practice with only minor cajoling and made nice progress . He was proud to have an instrument like Baxter does and loved earning stickers and moving through his book . He was never the kid who just picked up his violin and started playing on his own for fun - never once - but he did okay when I asked him to practice with me . However , as he moved from plucking strings to putting the bow to them - and then putting his fingers on those strings - it 's safe to say he shut down . He went from being a willing participant to what my grandmother calls a " reluctant dragon " . From there it went downhill to the point where the very idea of practicing or even listening to violin music that happened to come on the radio in the car made him apoplectic and nasty . He stomped and fussed through the few practice sessions I could get out of him . He didn 't want me to play my violin and he sure as hell didn 't want to play his . Everything to do with the instrument felt like pressure to the sensitive little dude . He started asking to quit about a month ago and I 've worked hard to encourage him to keep it up by making it fun and not stressful . Finally last week he really made it clear that he was done . I asked him to sleep on it , and told him that once our violins went back to the rental place we wouldn 't just get them back right away if he changed his mind . This slowed him down a bit and I know he did think about it . The verdict : he was done . Although I felt some sadness about this , having greatly enjoyed our early violin practices together , I wasn 't upset . After all , the child is only five years old . I don 't see the point of a major control battle over playing an instrument when a child is five , and I feel that by letting this go without it going downhill further , he may be more willing to try another instrument later . I 've said on a weekly basis since he began that even if he quit that day , I 'd be thrilled with how much he 's learned about music , and I absolutely am . As one friend pointed out , we didn 't do any activities at age 5 , and she used the word " dabbling " to describe what kids this age do in activities ; I love this perspective . At this point , Lyle has dabbled in violin and soccer and hasn 't particularly enjoyed either of them . Next up we 'll check out swimming and art , things that he seems to be more naturally drawn to . But today we ran into the violin teacher when I took Baxter in for his flute lesson . Our conversation was a difficult one for me and I 've been turning it over in my mind for the past few hours . When I 'd let her know that Lyle was discontinuing , I was extremely positive about her work with him and how impressive it was , also noting that if he ever went back to violin or wanted to try another instrument ( such as the piano I think we 'll be getting this summer ) I 'd love to go back to her . I talked about the motor challenges involved for Lyle and that I didn 't want this battle to get out of hand . I don 't want him turned off to music . But our young teacher was dismissive of the situation , telling me that the control battle was to be expected and of course he just wanted to quit because it was a " challenge " and he 's so " bright and airy " that he is used to things being easy all the time . ( Wow , that 's SO not the child I know ! ) She told me that really it 's the parent who 's the teacher and suggested that I keep him thinking about the instrument by playing fun rock violin to inspire him while we clean the house together ( which happens when , exactly ? ) , because that worked for her husband , who started violin at age 3 and is a professional musician . Obviously , she hasn 't been in my car when violin music is playing . In other words , I 'm supposed to be firmly in control of Lyle 's violin playing and stay in that driver 's seat , and I 'm a total wuss for letting him quit . I was told that no one plays violin without going through a period like this . I noted that I suppose I didn 't go through it myself because I started in fourth grade ; I should 've also pointed out that my motor coordination was a little better than his . Oh , and that I thoroughly enjoyed it and that 's what I would want for my child . I think what 's difficult for me is that I know she 's right - it 's hard and there are going to be challenges and of course we should encourage our kids to handle challenges and work on being disciplined as they get older . But I do that all day long . I am working with this kid on fine motor and emotional regulation challenges day in and day out . I 'm the mom who sneaks into a room before Baxter puts on his sneakers every morning and unties them so that he has to practice tying his shoes more often , for God 's sake . I just believe in choosing my battles and since I have nothing invested in Lyle becoming a violin virtuoso , I 'm willing to let this one go . I tried to say these things when I could get a word in - and in between calling the kids back from their attempts to exit the building without me - but I don 't think it mattered . I also tried to explain that next month I 'll start working out of the home a lot more again and our life will change . I noted that Lyle needed to have at least a modicum of motivation to practice with other people when I am working a few long days a week , and that we wouldn 't even have a spot in her schedule anymore soon , given my new schedule . But in the end I felt crappy and misunderstood . I had clearly gotten my name added to the list of Lame Moms Who Let Their Kids Quit As Soon As Things Get Hard . I 'm not a big fan of that list and I 'm pretty sure I don 't belong there . I guess what I have to remember is that I 'm only on that list in one person 's mind - it just gives me pause that it 's someone I like and respect . But , really , what I guess I want to say about this is something that is probably obvious to all of my readers : judgments don 't do anyone any good . No one knows my child the way I do , and no one could possibly see the Big Picture of our family life the way Matt and I do . And therefore , flippantly suggesting that I just need to persevere and make my child push through this challenge without understanding more about us is not appropriate . It was an emotional afternoon for the Wonderfamily today . Baxter , who has been out of it all day and brought home some less - than - stellar papers from school , melted down about school work that is apparently simultaneously too easy and too difficult , and informed me that he 's exhausted all the time at school , despite his 10 . 5 solid hours of sleep every night . " Maybe it 's because I 'm growing so fast , " he suggested tearfully . Indeed ; he has grown an inch since Christmas . We cuddled on the couch for a while and talked about feeling overwhelmed and the winter blues , and a while later when I turned on some music I watched him whirl in circles and boogie to his heart 's content . He seemed more himself afterward . For his part , Lyle pulled a stunt I hadn 't seen in a long while , that of purposely making requests that he knew I would say " no " to ( such as getting McDonald 's for dinner out of the blue , or getting his bike from storage and riding it just as I was beginning to make dinner ) and then falling apart over each denial . " I haven 't gotten to make a choice in YEARS ! " he wailed . ( Matt later pointed out that just last night he got to make the choice to wear his swimsuit to bed in lieu of pajamas , so that isn 't 100 % accurate . But you probably already knew that . ) I 'm not entirely sure why the crazy hit our little household this afternoon all of a sudden - and for both of the boys - although in hindsight I realize that I talked with them about the fact that I will increase my work hours again this summer on our drive home from school . At the time they seemed to take it in stride , but I have a feeling it had an impact on little Lyle . Perhaps it didn 't help that we happened to have our former nanny ( who took care of him 3 days a week when he was younger and I was working intensely , something that upset Lyle ) here babysitting this evening . It 's possible that I didn 't time that conversation so well . Or maybe it was a fluke , a one - off . Whatever the cause , I was most fascinated by the way Lyle handled it . In the middle of more loud demands from him , I observed aloud that he was really very frustrated and angry , and that I 'd like to see a picture of how mad he was . He likes to draw , and went right at it . And you know what ? That was it . Emotionally , he erupted right along with that massive volcano , and the catharsis of drawing it and showing me just how bad it was seemed to be what he needed . Without another word about it from either of us , he puttered around the kitchen , chatting happily about Bakugan toys while I made the wrong dinner and didn 't ride bikes . It was a win - win . In the middle of the night last night , Lyle woke to find something in his mouth . " I thought it was an Umbreon , " he stated most bizarrely at breakfast , flashing his adorable grin with the new hole , " but then when I spitted it out I saw that it was my loose tooth ! " He put it on his nightstand and carried it up in his hand this morning to show us . ( What , no drama ? ) " Can 't you think of anything ' more better ' than money and cupcakes ? " I asked him . This led to a long , convoluted conversation about how on cable he once saw a commercial for Cupcake Pebbles cereal - my utter disgust was interpreted as a sign that I didn 't actually believe there was such a thing and he had to bring Baxter ( resident expert on cable commercials , apparently ) in to prove that these existed . No one seemed to understand that I was just grossed out , not actually disbelieving . " What about your family ? ? " I asked , trying to get back on point , which prompted him to say , " Mmmm … " as if unsure , and he held up his two hands about six inches from each other , adding , " about this much . " Ah . Thanks . When I named specific people in his life , and say , the whole concept of LOVE , he readily agreed that all those things were " wicked awesome " ( I 've trained him to speak ' New Hampshire ' just for kicks ) .
|
I was at the mall yesterday and had an intresting experience I 'd like to share . I was browsing through some racks when I heard the girl next to me start to complain . I looked up and she appeared to be about 12 or 13 years old . She had her legs tightly crossed and was telling her mother that she needed to pee . Her mother told her that she was a big girl and could hold it till after she tried on her clothes . There aren 't any bathrooms in that store and she didn 't want to put their stuff down and risk losing it . The girl continued to complain and told her mom that she was going to pee right there on the floor . Again her mother told her that she could wait a minute and they would go use the bathroom in the food court when they were done since they were getting lunch there after . I just continued to look through the racks when the girl yelled loudly that she really needed to pee and was going to pee right there . She then squatted down right in the middle of the isle and peed her pants . it obviously wasn 't a real accident and she didn 't seem embarrassed at all . Her mom screamed at her to get up but she continued to squat till her mom pulled her up and dragged her out of the store . She was still peeing and left a trail behind . well I was appalled and intrigued at the same time . I headed toward the dressing room to try on my clothes and noticed a weird smell . I went into a room , bent over to take offhand my shoes and saw a bare butt squatting down in the room next to me . At first I didn 't know what was going on but then I noticed that the owner of the butt was pooping . There was a wet spot on the ground like she had already peed and I heard her grunting . She dropped several firm logs . Today , after class , I decided to go for a swim at the school swimming pool since I had never been and I wanted to go for a work out . It was about 4 pm and I had just finished my last class . I needed to have a shit so I decided I would take it in the men 's washroom at the pool . I had eaten a large meal at home the night before and I had also treated myself for lunch at Wendy 's , which is rare since I usually never eat out . Needless to say , I was now feeling the need to relieve myself before I went to swim . I arrived into the men 's change room and got into my swimsuit . It was fairly quiet with only a few other guys getting changed out of their swimsuits . I put my stuff in the locker and walked to find the washroom . I could not see where it was from where I was standing so I continued to walk towards the showers . I was nearly at the exit when I saw an open doorway . I turned inside and discovered the bathroom . The layout consisted of 6 toilets in the open with a simple and low partition between each one . There were sinks and urinals on the opposite end of each other , to the very left and right of where the toilets were , and since there was no main door , anyone walking though the change room could see right into the bathroom . I didn 't have many options . I could have tried to hold it in , but I really didn 't want to since I had already been holding it in for the last couple of hours and it was growing to be rather uncomfortable . I made my way over to the handicapped toilet at the end near the urinals . I quickly lowered my swimsuit and sat down . I let out a rush of urine before I started to push . A few quiet farts came out and then I felt a sudden pain as the turd started to make it 's way out . I bent down as I struggled to push it out . It was almost out so I gave one more push . It splashed into the bowl as it landed with a thud . It took me a moment to get my breath back as I sat with great relief . I reached for the toilet paper and wiped up quickly while sitting down . I got up and pulled my swimsuit up . What I saw shocked me . The turd was massively thick and long . It must have been a good 12 " long and was so thick I wasn 't sure it was going to go down . I flushed and watched it spin around hopelessly , despite the power of the toilet . I tried to flush once more before someone noticed the dilemma that I was in but it got stuck . I tried once more and it finally went down while leaving plenty of skidmarks . I washed my hands and took off to go for my swim . Delilah - loved your post as usual ! I am curious about your appearance . There 's a woman where I work who , for some reason , I think might be the spitting image of you . The other day I was already up and here in the computer room . My wife woke up andwent in the bathroom which is right next to my computer room . Since there is just the two of us here the bathroom door is left open by either one of us when we are in the bathroom using it . As I sat using my computer I heard my wife take a piss which was her first in the morning one . I at this time I had to shit but I waited for my wife to go . It hissed loudly and splashed nosily for a good twenty seconds or better . Then the hissing stopped but there was still soft splashing for she was still pissing but not hard . Then she paused and did a couple of hissing spurts to finish up as far as pissing . Then she let out a short but loud fart . I knew she was going to shit too . For right after her fart I heard her grunt . If she grunts she is pushing to take her shit . Then she sucked in her breath and silently pushed again . Several seconds of silence followed and then I heard a loud plop with a splash . Then she exhaled . That was her first one taken care of . Then I heard her suck in her breath again . She was pushing a second time . She was pushing harder too for this time I heard her piss a little bit with her piss splashing . Then she stopped her pissing again . Silence followed until she exhaled loudly . She quickly sucked in her breath hard and she mmeadiatly pushed hard . Then she softly said . Oh come on . Then right after that came a louder splash and she had shit a second piece out . She stll was not quite finished for she had more . A low sounding grunt followed and then right after that short low grunt a heard the last loud splash I would hear in the bathroom . My wife was done . I heard the toilet paper roll spin , the paper tear , and I heard her wipe herself . I heard her stand up and she flushed the toilet . She had put the lid down when she flushed and she was washing her hands at the sink as the toilet flushed . I knew from the the sound that the toilet was making while it was flushing it was clogged . It really gurgguled loudly . My wife left the bathroom and headed for the kitchen . I went into the bathroom to take my shit and I lifted up the toilet lid . There in the bowl was still all thrre pieces of my wiofes shit ! None of it went down when she flushed the toilet . Her three pieces were long fat ones ! Each one looked longer then six inches . Myself needing to shit didn 't bother try unclogging the toilet I just pulled down my boxers and sat down on the seat . I 'm a quick shitter when I go . So I started shiting in a few short seconds after I had sat down on the seat . I don 't have to push most times either when I do shit . This time I didn 't have to either . I felt it comming right out at a good clip . Now with her shit still in the toilet my shit made no noise when the first one came completely out . The second one started comming right out after the first one . As I sat there I could smell the oder of shit but that was hard to tell if it was mine or hers that I was smelling . The second one dropped away making a dull thump on the isde of the bowl this time . The oder of shit got a lot stronger so it was my shit that I was smelling now not hers . Then like her I did have one more piece come out and that one also flumped in the bowl after it dropped . I roole off some toilet paper wiped myslf and then I stood up and looked down . My three added pieces wre fatter and longer then my wife three pieces . Only one of mine was partialy in the water . Th other two were not . I grabbed the plunger to have it ready . I flushed the toilet . The water rose up quickly taking all the shit with it . I quickly took the plunger stuck it odwn in the toilet and rapidly plunged it with my wifes and my shit spinning arond the bowl and plunger handle . I pulled up and The water rushed quickly down and so did all of our shit . Boy was I glad about that . Many times when our toilet cloggs you have to plunge it more then once ! After the tank refilled I did test to make sure the toilet was unclogged and it was . The water rushed right down without a problem . asion when I had no choice but to shit and get done in front of strangers . . Girls girls girls , when are you all going to realize that we all have to shit , for us it is easier than men . My husband tells me that when a bunch of guys say at a convention go for a pee and one goes into a stall they all like to get finished fast and out before the fireworks starts . Where as with us we all have to go into a stall so while sitting supposedly peeing we can drop a log or two and no one will know . When I was shy about shitting around others as a teenager I would position myself back on the loo , lean forward so that I peed straight into the water and while the waterfall was going would quickly shit against the back of the bowl . Yes skid marks but who will know . The log slides down the back into the water quietly even if you are not capable of a double header , shitting and pissing at the same time . Now at the age of 53 I could not care less , if fact try to make as much noise as possible . Once had a shit in the school toilets of our local school , small school all the kids know me but after the first fart and splutter they all ran out and I could hear them outside laughing away that " Aunty Penny was going poo ! ! " Another thing you must realize too and it has been proven over and over on these pages is that the colon is more powerful than the anus . When it decides that that shit will out it will push it out no matter what you try to stop it . It will beat you that is why it times a cramp when you are least expecting it ! ! ! ! So the lesson is when you need to go , find a shitter and go like everyone else . Cannot imagine having to peel my panties or even worst my jeans off caked in shit . I will tell you all about an occVincene This year , my second year in a new high school , I decided to get involved in more activities . And part of it is working because I 'm making more friends , but experiences like I had last Saturday are upsetting to me . I went our for and made our school 's choral group . We have three public performances a year and the top 10 percent of the group auditions for an all - city concert which is made up of students from each of five high schools . Luckily , I was selected . We had the city - wide performance at our local campus of state university on Saturday evening , but due to some scheduling problems at the college , the Saturday morning rehearsal was moved to the auditorium of an all - boys prep school on the other side of the city . My parents were already at work and I overslept only to have my cell phone ring at 6 : 30 a . m . with my boyfriend Diver in the driveway waiting to take me to practice . My car was in the shop for a few days because there 's a shortage of a particular part that 's been ordered and Diver wasn 't any too happy about possibly being late to his fast - food job where he had to be by 7 a . m . I invited Diver inside to wait . I was getting frustrated because I couldn 't find any clean underwear in my drawer , I couldn 't find the shoes I wanted to wear , among other things . And I knew Diver was getting pissed having to wait in the living room . Once I got dressed and got it together , I dropped in and told Diver I was going to pee and he got even more upset and said he was going to get docked at his job and possibly written up because he 's been late in getting in after diving practice a couple of times . Walking right by our bathroom off the hallway ( and that was hard ) I hurriedly ran into the living room and told Diver I was ready . I hold Diver as he was backing out of the driveway how badly I had to pee , but he knows how to try and humor me and he said something about he wouldn 't give me a swig of his coffee . It was about a 15 minute drive to the prep school and he dropped me off at the only lit doorway that I thought would probably be close to their auditorium . As soon as I got out and put my purse over my shoulder , he sped off and I felt bad about inconveniencing him and making him late for work . The first two doors I tried were locked . I knew the others would be arriving in about an hour , but it was chilly outside and I had to pee even worse . It was still dark and about 45 degrees outside as I continued to walk around the building looking for a door . As I went around a corner I came to the loading dock and there was a painters ' truck backed up to it and I noticed the door was ajar . I hurried through the janitors ' area and into a hallway where I saw a sign direct me toward the music wing . My need to pee was now an emergency . As I continued to walk through the partially dark hallway I noticed a boys sign on the wall and quickly started looking on both sides of the wall for the girls room . I know I wasn 't in the best mood but I walked around that fine arts pod two times before coming across another boys room sign but still I couldn 't find the girls room . Then suddenly , it occurred to me that this was a boys - only school and that I was about to pee my pants . Since there was nobody around I ducked into the boys room . The first thing I saw was about 10 urinals hanging on the wall and a marble partition which was setting off what looked like four or five toilet stalls . I immediately ran for the stalls , selected the middle one , dropped the seat with my right hand while I flung my purse on the floor with my left . I couldn 't drop my jeans fast enough and although the seat was a bit cold , I was thankful my butt was on it . For some reason , I don 't know if I thought the doorless stall which forced me to sit in the open or using the opposite sex 's bathroom was the most intimidating but I grew frustrating after at least a minute when I sat and was unable to get my pee flow going . I was hurting considerably - - the same burning sensation I normally get when I have to pee and can 't find a toilet or have to wait in line . Here I was , in a vulnerable position , and then I couldn 't produce . I received a momentary scare when a loud fan kicked on . I don 't know why I was so jumpy . All I wanted to do was to get my pee started . I remembered how I started to think about how much I hated Diver for not giving me time to take my pee at home which would have prevented this . I knew if I stood up and walked around for a couple of minutes I would only be hurting more . I started to cry a little as I continued to sit . This type of thing normally doesn 't happen . I can always start my pee , but usually in a doored stall and not in a boys bathroom . I moved myself a little closer to the front of the seat and that decision to slide forward got a few trickles to start . Then came a smaller stream that picked up intensity that started to instantly relieve my pain , but at that point I heard footsteps in the hallway coming closer and I was hopeful they would go by . They didn 't . A person walked into the bathroom , took the stall to my right , dropped the seat so hard that it sounded like it would break , and by the mess on his shoes and workjeans , I could tell it was a painter . He was on the stool about five seconds when I could hear him start a strong pee ( oh , I wish I could have done that ! ) and then he dropped a smelly but obviously large and heavy series of crap pieces . One of them hit with a thud ( it probably hit the front of the bowl outside the water ) and the others produced splashes . About two minutes later my pee had finished but I froze because I didn 't want him to try and start a conversation . I was also praying that he wouldn 't see my purse from under the partition . It was both scary and strange but as he finished his crap he started whistling . However , I could hear him tear off the toilet paper and wipe ( it took him like 5 sheets to do it ) and he pulled up his underwear , buckled his jeans and he took off without flushing . I guess I was surprised . He also didn 't stop to wash his hands . However as I sat getting ready to leave I realized that the same plan would work best for me because I didn 't want to draw any attention to myself . Luckily when I got back into the hallway other students were starting to come in and I was thankful for my timing . During a break at about 11 a . m . I had to take my daily crap . What they did , however , was put large signs out making one of the boys rooms a temporary girls room , but most everybody seemed to be reluctant to use the open stalls . However , I didn 't have a choice and I had had experience . My crap was uneventful . Diver tried to call me when I was on the stool , but I decided not to take his call . Hi again . Matthew , interesting roommate . I wouldn 't expect him to be that open ! But great that he is . . . how bad were his skidmarks ? Had an unexpected discovery myself today . I was washing my clothes ( there 's a washer / dryer at the place I rent with some roommates ) , and when I was ready to use the dryer I found it full with clothes already . I 'm not sure why , but they were dirty . Having to dry my wet clothes , I picked the pile up and set it on top of the dryer . After I put my clothes in and started the machine , curiosity got the best of me . I saw a few pairs of guy 's underwear in the pile , and decided to inspect them . They were boxer briefs , 1 dark one with a few lighter grey ones . At first they didn 't look that bad , but then I looked inside . I 've definitely seen worse , but in the bottom of the black one there was a noticeable 2 - 3 inch skidmark . The front also had some discoloration from pee stains . Upon inspecting the grey ones , both fronts were all yellow on the inside , and the backs definitely had some brownish areas ( not necessarily dark skidmarks , but definitely brown areas ) . Reminds me of myself a little . I don 't usually get skidmarks that show through my boxer briefs , but usually do get some on the inside . I think the " areas " of yellow and brown are a common sight on most men 's underwear . What do you guys think ? Have you ever made any similar discoveries ? Emma Hi i 'm Emma , i 'm 19 yrs . old 5 ' 4 , blonde hair , brown eyes , I have a nice butt and somewhat big boobs , and I wear glasses . I just want to share a horrific accident that happened to me yesterday . okay I ALWAYS take a crap every morning , but this morning I overslept . I have to be to work at 9 , and I woke up at 8 : 15 . I took a quick shower , and threw on a blouse , with a white thong , white miniskirt , and white pantyhose , with white heels . Why did I wear white today ? I felt the urge to poop but ignored it . I arrived at work just on time . I work in an office all day until 7pm , I was just doing normal paperwork , until about 3pm and the urge to poop came on strong , and I could feel it at the edge of my a * * wanting to come out . But I remembered , I have to drive to my boyfriends after work becaFriday , November 13 , 2009 This is my first time posting here . I 'm 18 and a senior in high school and I want to tell someone about what happened to me two weekends ago . I want to tell someone the story but then again I don 't want anyone that I know to find out about this because it is very embarrassing . Two Saturdays ago , I was taking a college placement test at school . There were a bunch of us from my school going to the same college , so the college scheduled the placement test at my high school . That worked out pretty well for me since I am also a cheerleader for my school 's football team and we had a game that afternoon . It was a pretty tight schedule but the test would be over in time for the game and I wore my cheerleading uniform to the test so I could go directly from the test to the game . It was a good plan except that during the test , I developed the need to have a bowel movement . Now my school 's bathrooms are actually pretty nice as school bathrooms go - I pee in there all the time - but I 've never been comfortable having bowel movements in there . I 've always been very private about that and never liked to use the large multi - stall girls ' rooms where someone in another stall could hear me having a bowel movement . That particular function was best done at home or at least in a single - user type of bathroom . At the start of my freshman year in high school , I signed up to be a volunteer in the guidance office during my study hall period . In the guidance office was a nice , clean and very private single - user at a time style bathroom and though it wasn 't really meant for student use , no one ever said anything about my using it since I had a legitimate reason to be in the guidance office . Even when it wasn 't my volunteer period , I could still quickly pop in there , do my bowel movement , and pop out without anyone really paying attention . Every year , I 've been a volunteer in the guidance office and that 's how I 've survived without ever having had to do a bowel movement in the regular girls ' room at school . Of course , sitting there on that Saturday morning taking this placement test and feeling a growing urgency in my bowels , I knew I had a problem . The guidance office wasn 't open and I didn 't have the luxury of that bathroom . In fact , not only was the guidance office blocked off on that Saturday morning , but most of the school as well - including the smaller , more secluded girls ' rooms . All that was available for me to use at the time was the large , heavily used girls ' room in the main corridor by the gym . The thought of using it for a bowel movement horrified me - especially now as there would surely be band members and other cheerleaders using it and hanging around in the hallway there in preparation for the game . Maybe I could have managed it an upstairs out of the way girls ' room , but not in the main corridor one that everyone at the football game would be using . I began to contemplate just how of a predicament I was in . It was now a little after 11 AM and the game wouldn 't start until 1 PM . It wouldn 't be over until well after 3 PM or it would be close to 4 PM until I could get out of there and to my own private bathroom at home . Of course , as the test dragged on , the need to go was only getting worse . Obviously , I knew that I wouldn 't be able to hold it in until the football game was over , but I quickly convinced myself that I could at least hold it in until the test was over . I lived only a few blocks from the school and I had my car , so I figured after the test , I could quickly hop in my car , do my bowel movement at home and quickly drive back to school for the game . Fortunately , I did make it to my car ( it wasn 't easy as I had to stop several times and clench my ass cheeks tightly closed to keep the movement in me ) , but no sooner had I sat down and closed the door , I simply couldn 't hold it in any longer . I suddenly felt a strong surge from inside me and a big " log " started coming out beyond my control . I could feel this long log of soft poop slowly sliding out of me and through my ass cheeks . The funny thing was that it didn 't feel all that differently from poop sliding out while on the toilet . But then I started to feel it accumulate in the seat of my panties and it 's hard to really describe how dirty and disgusting that feels and how humiliated you feel sitting there with panties full of poop . Your first thought is that at your age this couldn 't possibly have happened and you couldn 't possible have gone to the bathroom in your pants ( especially # 2 ) . You think that if you 'd just pinch yourself hard enough that you 'd wake up and this would only be a bad dream . But then when you feel the mess spreading in your panties and all over and through your backside , you realize it 's all too real . You curse the bad timing of your bowels when you realize that if they could have only waited 10 more minutes , you 'd have been home and sitting on the toilet , and this would not have happened . But then you also think about how if it had happened just 10 minutes earlier , it would have happened in the classroom just as you finishing the test , and in front of one of your teachers and about a dozen of your classmates , and that humiliating would have been 1All that was left to do now was head home as I had intended . That was even more important now , especially before someone saw me or got close enough to smell me . Ironically enough , my parents and my two younger sisters had already left for the game so fortunately I was home alone . Also fortunate for me was that between my underwear and my cheerleading slip , neither my car seat nor my cheerleading skirt had become soiled . My underwear and my slip were expendable but there 'd have been no way to explain away a messed car seat or a soiled cheerleading skirt . There was no time to take a shower , so all I could do was grab a washcloth and go to work cleaning myself up . My panties were so bad I actually had to peel them off of me but they weren 't really the problem as I had no intention of actually cleaning them . The problem , of course , was that the bowel movement was smeared all over my behind , between my ass cheeks , and some of it was even down between my legs . This was so disgusting that I felt like I was going to throw up , but fortunately I didn 't and I was able to get myself cleaned up . I thought again about what would have happened if I were stuck in a school bathroom like this and didn 't have a washcloth to clean myself . I had messed myself so badly that I think it would have been impossible to clean myself up with just toilet paper . That part of the clean - up done , I carefully dried myself with toilet paper , and quickly redressed with clean underwear and a new cheerleading slip . I grabbed a plastic bag for my soiled panties , soiled slip and the washcloth , tied it shut , and carefully hid the whole package under some other garbage in the garbage can in the garage . I ever so thoroughly washed up and quickly headed back to school , arriving just in time for the start of the game , but quite a bit later than I was expected . I mean the test had been over for half an hour now and it didn 't take that long to walk from the classroom to the football field behind the school . I had to tell my cheerleading coach that I had forgotten something and had to go home to get it . I got yelled at a little for being " careless " in forgetting something , but all things considered it wasn 't so bad . I suspect it would have been quite a bit worse if she had known just how " careless " I truly was in letting myself have an accident . My mom noticed my lateness as well , but she had a better insight into the reason . Knowing how much I 've always hated having bowel movements in public bathrooms , she simply assumed I went home for that purpose and teased me a bit about how sill I was about " those kinds of things . " I thought it best , of course , that I simply confess to what she suspected and left it that . Except for my own personal feelings of disgust and shame , I 've gotten away with this and it does feel good to tell somebody and get this of my chest I guess , the moral of the story is not to hold it in when you really have to go since whatever bathroom you have to use is a lot better than going in your pants . I know I 'll never make that mistake again . dan i saw something interesting and surprising the other day related to going to the bathroom . i go to college and i do work - study , which is where you can work on campus to help with tuition . this semester they have me working in the test proctoring center , which is a place that offers distraction - free work environments , scribes , and special computer equipment and software and all kinds of things to help people with learning disorders and physical disabilities take tests and stuff . pretty much all i do there is sit around and do nothing for 3 hours , 4 times a week . if any of the the computers or equipment has problems , i fix it , and i do other things like program this machine that makes braille copies of documents . anyway , enough about what i do , here 's the point . i was sitting in the center the other day just screwing around on my iphone because there was absolutely nothing to do . this girl nicole was at the desk at the front and she just schedules tests for people and helps people write their answers on tests if they can 't do it themselves . it was just me and her there doing nothing , but this one girl Alayna who has ADD and takes all her tests in the proctoring center was in one of our testing cubicles taking a test . she had been in there for a few hours and i pretty much forgot about her . i remember there being this kind of foul smell lingering in the office that was kind of bothersome , but it wasn 't unbearable so i just ignored it . i figured it was the trash can or something . anyway , eventually Alayna came out of her cubicle looking like she 'd seen a ghost , and crept over to the front desk really slowly with her test . she handed in her test and nicole was just asking her if she needed to schedule anything else , and she just kept mumbling " no im good " and stuff . nicole asked her if she was ok and she just said " yeah well no im just not feeling to good but i gotta go now " and nicole just said ok . then Alayna kind of took a few steps backward towards the door then turned around and started to rush out the door , but - dan Kate M . i 'm kate . i 'm 31 , white , i have long wavy brown hair , green eyes , and i think i 'm pretty fit . i live alone , and i own my own flower shop . i only have 3 employees and i 'm always really busy , so a few months ago i took a much needed and much deserved vacation . i took a week off just for myself , i didn 't plan a trip to go away anywhere , i just wanted to sleep in everyday , get up and do what i wanted , see some friends and family , get some things done at home , etc . i also worked out a lot because i like to stay in shape . on wednesday of that week my friend Juliet had a party at her house and there was a lot of really good food because she has a catering business . so i ate a lot ! it was all very delicious . anyway , thursday morning i got up at about 8 : 30 and got ready to go for a run . i put on a black underarmour tank top , a pair of plain white panties , my gray workout pants and my running shoes , put my hair back in a pony tail and went running . about 20 minutes into my run , i got this terrible uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach . . . it just gurgled and groaned loudly and i felt some serious churning down there . at first i thought i was hungry , but within seconds i had to poop like you would not believe . it was the most intense and uncomfortable urge to poop i 've ever felt . i knew all the exotic foods i ate at julet 's party the previous night may have given me diarrhea . . . i was running in a wooded residential area , so i had a major problem . . . there were no public places or anything i could duck into to use the bathroom and i couldn 't really go outside anywhere because there were houses around and i didn 't want to anyone to see me and call the cops or something . . . so i turned around and started to jog home and was just praying to myself " please make it please make it please make it ! " it was literally the most urgently i 've ever needed to poop in my entire life . the problem was as i jogged it was really uncomfortable and difficult to hold it in , so i had to stop jogging . that presented a completely different problem becauanyway , when the horror was over i had to continue walking home . the back of my pants were bulging out with poop and sagging a little bit , and my butt and the backs of my legs were soaked . my pants were form fitting and tight so the mass of the poop stayed in my butt area but as i walked i could feel it slowly leaking down the legs of my pants . . . it was so horrible and humilating and shameful . . . a few times cars passed me by and i 'm sure it was quite the site . . . a grown woman waddling down the side of the street with an enormous wet brown stain on her butt . . . anyway , after getting home and spending over an hour cleaning myself and washing my clothes , i stayed in for the rest of the day . i was afraid to go out in public because i didn 't know who saw me like that with an embarrassing mess in my pants . as far as i know , nobody i know saw me because no one has mentioned it to me , and i certainly haven 't told anybody until now ! that was easily the most embarrassing moment of my entire life . the pair of panties that i had on that day is still buried in the bottom of my underwear drawer , even though i washed them right away you only have to take one quick glance at them to know that i pooped in them . i don 't even know why i kept them , i guess i 'll wear them again if it 's that time of the month or if i 'm feeling uneasiness in my bowels and might have an accident . my gray workout pants took on a pretty serious poop stain too , but you can 't really tell from the outside too much , but on the inside you can . if i wash them a couple more times the stain should be completely gone on the outside so i can wear them in public again . . . but all i have to do is look at those pants and panties to remind myself not to go running after a night of eating a lot of new foods ! The toilet water level was slowly returning to its normal level as I sat on the toilet . I let out a really loud deep base like fart , my stomach made a weird churning noise , then I began to poop . Unlike Janes mine was 4 large logs , before wiping I said to jane take a look at them . She was impressed , asking me if they were painful to pass . I said no they were just a bit uncomfortable . et panties but the feeling of having to pee really badly was sooo uncomfortable that anything would have felt better . Plus like I said , I would 've felt really weird and awkward being that exposed I probably would 've frozen up and not been able to go , which would 've resulted in an accident and wet pants which would 've felt weirder . who here has used a laptop in a public toilet ? interesting stories ? thanks . The R Man I gotta pee soooooooooooooooooooo bad ! I have a strong bladder so i am not wiggleing or jiggleing . Or at least , not yet ! Fffffffffffffffffff ! My mother was German , and when we were kids she referred to bowel movements as " making bowels " . I actually grew up believing that " bowel " was a synonym for " poop " . It wasn 't until I was grown up that I realized that bowels were intestines and not the stuff inside the intestines . I 'm just wondering if anyone else who posts here has ever heard or used the phrase " making bowels " as a synonym for pooping . i 'm 35 female and was on a business trip to china last month . the toilets out of the big cities are really terrible . most of the time they are just a row of hoes in the floor , sperated for women and men , but with now wall or anything else between the holes . Also no toiletpaper are availabe generally . I used to void going to the toilet outside my hotelroom therefore , but on one trip to a outside factory and after the rather exotic lunch i felt a strong need to go for a dump . I hated to ask our guide , a girl around 20 , whre the toilet is , but i had to . As feared it was asmall room , with a dirty sink on the end and to rows of 3 holes in the floor facing each other . I started immediately to push hard to get it done as fast as possible , but i only started to pee . I did spread my knees al little bit more and looked down to check where the jet was going to , not to wet myself . luckily it found almost a clean way down the hole . i pushed hard and even moaned a little bit , but then I felt my efforts being rewarded as my butt hole started to open and a big turd pushing its way through . i felt a reflex to stand up , but the turd was still hanging out . so i pressed hard and she smiled at me all the way . she started to pee a weak jet , but then she closed her eyes turned away and then i saw a huge turd emerge at her butthole and slowly getting longer and longer . i was so facinated by the size of the turd , that i almost forgot my own business . i had one last pushand and it was out finally . the girl had meanwhile her lips pressed thight thogether and pushed hard . In episode " Shhh . . . Don 't Tell " she goes back to High School where two seniors ( Jenny and Fiona ) are fighting over one guy ( this is revealed later ) . Erica gets the two to declare a truce and stop fighting . Jenny offers Fiona a piece of chocolate as a piece offering . Fiona eats it not knowing that its actually a laxative . The next scene is gym class . The class are doing those football / soccer practices where you dribble the ball around cones . Erica still doesn 't know what 's about to happen . Fiona is a tall and slim attractive redhead and she 's wearing very tight white shorts that go down almost to her knees . ( White is a BAD CHOICE for what 's about to happen ! ) She starts dribbling the ball but quickly she starts mumbling " Oh no . . . Oh no . . . Oh no . . . " and holding her stomach more . The other girls start laughing . Then she stops dribbling and reaches behind her in horror . She turns her back to the camera and they actually show the poop stain on the back of her shorts . One girl yells " Did Fiona just shit herself ? " The class starts laughing . Fiona runs to the locker room saying " Oh no oh no oh no oh no ! " while holding onto her white shorts . It looked like the stain was growing and running down her pant legs . Aside from the laxative acting immediately like it always does in movies and TV ( in real life it would take hours or overnight to kick in ) it was pretty realisitic . Like I said , I think they actually went to the trouble of making the stain grow and start spreading down the back of her legs ( but it went pretty quick so I 'm not 100 % sure so I may watch the episode again later ) . I wonder if they got the effect by putting some mud or something down the actresses shorts . BTW , the actressess name is Melanie Leishman and she is a good sport . I bet not a lot of up and coming young actressess ( she is 20 ) who are attractive would want to be shown in TV with a poop stain on her butt and running for the lady 's room . . . Does anyone else watch this show ? Next page : Old Posts page 1800 >< Previous page : 1802 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey
|
It had been 5 years since mom left dad . Kelly and dad had made it just fine without her . She took off with some rich guy and never looked back . Oh , well Kelly didn 't mind , she liked having her dad all to herself . He may not be wait ever women looked for in a man but he was her friend , her confidante and recently her best patron . She had graduated high school four weeks ago and started stripping three weeks ago to help her dad with bills . He didn 't like it at first then he came and saw her . That 's when something funny happened . They had always picked at each other but now it was an almost sexual undertone to it . She had a few thoughts during the last few weeks of what if her dad tried to make a pass at her . It maybe weird to everyone else but she had made up her mind if he did she would go along and see what it would be like . " At least he has a job and isn 't mean or tries to hit me . That was better then every loser I have dated before . " Kelly watched the girl before her doing her routine if that was what you call it . This girl was a bit tipsy when she stumbled out on the stage . Kelly looked at the crowd . Same old ex - bikers , ex - cons , drugged up , used up , and all around bottom of the barrel . That 's what you get when you get a job at the worst strip club in Las Vegas . The Kitten 's Roast , or what most people called it Kitten 's Roach , was a dive but it was the closed place to the trailer park her and her dad lived . Indian Well trailer park but most call it Ain 't it Hell . It was full of the same types that came to the bar . They were okay just don 't expect a tip and lock up anything you want to keep . Kelly looked out and saw her dad sitting in his usual spot . She smiled watching him . He wasn 't watching the girl in front of her ; he was just sitting and shooting the breeze with the bartender / owner . She looked down at her candy striper outfit with its little blue bikini under it . She had started shaving her crotch because her dad had said men like that . Since the club would let her take her thong off she didn 't know why she should but now she like it smooth feeling of it . Kelly looked back at the other girls in the dressing room . All the rest had fake breast and to many trips to the tanning salon . She looked at herself in a mirror by the stage . White skin , freckles , and real breast are what she brought to this club . She was happy about being different . It made her more money to , looking like the girl next door . She jumped when she heard her name being called . It was time to shine . She put on a big smile and waited for the music . Boom , it started and she was out the curtain . She liked the attention dancing gave her . She turned and looked at her dad . He was sitting up straight and whistling at her . She winked at him and blew him a kiss . She felt a bit hot at the thought of her own dad watching her dance naked . It wasn 't long until Kelly was naked except for her thong . The crowd loved seeing her young body move on stage . She knew the owner / bartender like it when the girls gave the crowd a peek at the goods like he called it . She thought about who should get a peek at her shaved little pink pussy . " Why not ! " She thought and danced over to the side her dad was sitting on . She turned her back and slowly bent over . When she was down far enough she ran her hand between her legs and quickly pulled the thong to one side . She laughed at the look on her dads face when he saw his baby girl 's open pussy for the first time . She straightened up and swung around the pole . But when she looked back at her dad he was talking to the owner / bartender . " I wonder what he 's doing now . " Kelly Davis Physical Characteristics : She has long curly red hair . Her skin is white with a hint of pink to it . Her skin is freckles on her shoulder , back , chest , arms with more scattered over her body . She has shaved down below . Her eyes are big and blue . She has cute pouting lips . She has a nice curvy ass , smooth legs , and small C size breast . She has a soft , hot body that makes the guys dream , with just a hint of a tummy . She has a little rose tattoo on her lower back . She has a girl next door look . " You wana do WHAT ! " I remember it like it was yesterday when my little girl said that she wanted to work as a stripper at Kitten 's . She was always something of an exhibitionist and flirt . She usually wears skimpy , suggestive outfits and likes the attention it gives her from men - me included ! Oh … yes , I know … I 'm her dad , but damn … she 's one hot number ! But it was still a shock when she said that she wanted to be a striper ! I had been frequenting Kitten 's on - and - off for years . Maybe that had something to do with why Kelly 's mom left . The girls at the higher priced clubs are better looking - and know how to dance ! , but this club is all I can afford . As it is there is a $ 25 door charge and the beers are almost as pricy , so I only go there once or twice a week . Kelly is the best looking of all the girls at Kitten 's , so she thought that would help her get the job - - - she was right ! At first I tried to talk her out of it , but she finally reminded me that she is 18 now , and that 's when I knew it was a different game . I figured I better go along with it , or she 'd just try to hide it from me . I can still remember the look on Pete 's ( the owner of Kitten 's ) face when I walked into his bar with Kelly and tolled him that my daughter wanted a job as a stripper ! Guess he doesn 't get many dads trying to get their daughter 's jobs as strippers ! Anyway , she 's been stripping for a few weeks now and - wouldn 't you know it - business at Kitten 's has never been better ! In the past we 'd flirt at each other a bit - purely innocently . But after she started working at Kitten 's , and I saw her … in a new light … I started seeing her as the sexy girl that she is - even started fantasizing about her . One thing though - since Kelly 's been working she 's really been helping with the bills , and she always seems to have something left over for her self . All of this was going through my head while I was driving my beat up old puck - up from work to Kitten 's to see my little girl . I parked down the block , wsail away Kelly watched her dad for a bit then went back to dancing . She moved over to a couple of old biker guys and stuck her ass out for them . She laughed as they slipped money under her thong , their rough hands rubbing her smooth soft pink ass . Then she moved to a fat black guy that was at the club off and on . He was a good tipper so she made sure to give him a little shake of her ass . After he slipped some money to her he squeezed her ass and then smacked it . Not to hard but just enough to get her attention . Kelly turned and shook her finger at him in a playful way . She looked up and waved George the bouncer off . There was no need to through them out when they just wanted to play . As Kelly danced back toward the side her dad was at she noticed Pete standing there waiting for the song to end . She loved to dance and all the attention that the guys gave her . She looked up at her dad and winked a big blue eye at him . When the music stopped she dropped down on her knees and through her head back . That gave the guys a nice look at her soft breast . Her pink nipples were hard and her body was covered in sweat . Biting her lower lip in a cute little way she looked at the crowd as they tossed her money and cheered . Kelly collected her money and headed back stage . When she was back there Pete came up to her and whispered in her ear . " Guess who wants a lap dance ? " " Your dad . " She looked around at him . Pete had a smirk on his face . She didn 't like that look , it was like he thought her dad was a dirty old man . She turned and looked him in the eyes . " Okay . Back rooms . " She looked at the key board to see what rooms were open . " Number three . And don 't worry I 'll tell him the rules . " With that she grabbed a robe and headed out the side door to the bar area . Kelly stopped and looked at the girl dancing . Well at least she was sober . Shaking her head she looked at her dad . He was standing looking at her with a look that was like a school boy about to see his first pussy . She smiled at him and winked then nodded towards the back rooms . She looked around and raised her eye brows at him . " And what you look at on the internet isn 't . " Kelly smiled at the stunned look on his face . " I won 't tell if you won 't . " Turning she walked toward her waiting dad . When she got to him she gave him the rules . " Okay , handsome . You can touch only were there is no material , i . e . not under the thong . No sex in the rooms . " Walking toward the room she could feel her heart racing . She was excited about giving her dad a lap dance . She opened the door and turned on the light . There was a single chair in the middle of the small room with others staked against the side wall . After he walked she closed and turned the occupied light on . " Sit down . " Kelly walked in front of her dad and laughed . " I never thought I 'd have to do this for you . " She took a deep breath and then let the rope fall off her freckled shoulders . She took a finger and pushes a curly strand of fiery red hair out of her face . Looking down she see the large bulge in his pants . She turns around and puts her hands on his knees then slowly sits down on his lap as the music starts to play . A gasp escapes her lips when she feels her dad 's hard cock rest between her ass cheeks . Kelly turns her head around tossing her fiery red locks over her left white freckle covered shoulder . Her big blue eyes sparkled at her dad . " Do you like it so far ? " Her skin was still a bit damp for the sweating . She couldn 't believe how horny this was making her . Maybe he would try tonight ? Maybe I will let him ? In the two , or so , weeks that Kelly has been dancing and stripping , I still couldn 't get over the mixed emotions going through my head . One the one hand I 'm her father , and I should be protecting her , but on the other hand I just can 't get over how horny I get seeing her dancing naked in front of fifty or more guys , and some ladies . And if that 's not all ; it 's the " tipping " , and groping , Kelly gets from customers . Anyway , as Pete disappeared to the back to tell Kelly about her new customer ; I wondered if this was such a good idea . Kelly did seem to flirt with me more since she started dancing , but that was just playing … wasn 't it ? But lap dancing for her father … this was a taboo , and would Kelly think I was strange or something . Before I could compleat my thought I saw her appear at the door leading to the back rooms , smiling at me and giving me a sly wink . She walked over to me quickly and with no hesitation . " Damn … I thought . She really wants to do it ! " In a confident tone of voice that I don 't think I ever heard from Kelly , she explained the " rules " as she walked me to one of the rooms . Walking to the backroom I could feel my heart thumping so hard that I thought it would jump out of my chest ! She walked in to the room like she 's done it a thousand times before . She nonchalantly flaked the switch for the " occupied " light and instructed me to sit down . Without hesitation she stepped in front of me , and with a sexy look on her face , slipped the thin robe off her shoulders . Now my daughter 's almost naked body was right in front of me , her firm breasts and sexy red curly hair just in front of me . Her only modesty was a sliver of fabric barely covering her sex . My cock started to harden again and Kelly looked down at it and a knowing look appeared on her face . She turned around and , without missing a step , sat on my lap pressing my cock to her bear ass . I was in a state of suspense , which was only broken when Kelly said to me in a sexy voice , " Do you like it so far ? " I snappsail away Her heart was beating faster and her breathing quickened . Kelly had sat in her daddy 's lap before as a kid listening to him read her stories , the times she needed a shoulder to cry on . But this was different , he was a customer and she needed to act like it . The only problem was she wasn 't able to distance herself and think of other thing while sitting there . She knew this had to be illegal as hell and immoral but she had a deep down feeling that it was something potentially good . She had always had more fun stripping when her daddy was here . She felt safer with him there but also a bit turned on knowing that he was watching her . She had though she saw him adjust himself and that made it more of a turn on . Kelly was thing about this when she felt her daddy 's rough hands on her soft smooth arms . A shiver ran down her spine as he started to rub them . She could feel goose bumps popping up were he touched . Looking down she watched his hands lightly rubbing her freckled arms . She hoped that wasn 't all he would rub . The music was playing and she remembered that she had to give him a lap dance . She started to slowly grinded her curvy white ass into his crotch . His large lump was in between her ass cheeks as she moved . She smiled to herself as she remembered him complaining just the other night about being uncomfortable in his pants as the other girls danced . Now she wondered if it had been them or her that made him hard . She had told him to wear loose fitting shorts and now she was glad he did , because she could now feel it moving between her ass cheeks . Her hips moving against his lump was starting to make her wet . She let a soft moan escape her throat as she closed her eyes and enjoyed feeling her daddy 's cock against her . She thought about tonight after they got home . It maybe a different night if she didn 't get him off here . She opened her big blue eyes and looked at the clock on the wall . Only 1 hour until the end of her shift enough time to do a dance or two then home to see what would happen . Kelly gave her daddy 's a sexy smile and leaned back against his chest . She had always love the feel of his strong chest even though he had gotten a bit soft now that he was older she still thought he was the strongest man she knew . She slowly made her hip roll his lump back and forth between her ass cheeks . " So , daddy . You want me to stay like this or turn around and face you ? " She giggled as his eyes widened . I almost felt like I had a double personality or something ! On the one hand ; this was my daughter sitting on my lap almost naked and practically stroking my cock with her firm ass . I should be disgusted ! But on the other hand ; I 've never been so turned on before ! I guess it 's the taboo of the incest thing . This was the same little girl that I used to read stories to , but now … I 'm paying her to … to … to practically be a whore for me ! It was like she was someone different , and all I wanted was more ! I moved my left hand to Kelly 's firm breasts which I could see looking over her shoulder . I 've see that chest on stage for weeks and fantasized about fondling them since Kelly started dancing . I moved my hand further , wondering if she would suddenly stand up and scream ! I continued and finally my hand was cupping her firm breast . Now I was fondling my daughter 's naked chest ! I could sense her chest heaving with deep breaths and her heart pounding . I caressed her chest back and fourth - then a thought came to me . I wondered how many grungy biker types and other assorted low life 's ' have done the same thing to my Kelly ! Maybe some of the men I just saw in the bar ! Again I had conflicting thoughts ; on the one hand , I 'm Kelly 's father and I should keep her away from a place like this , but on the other hand it was turning me on like I 've never known ! After only a few moments of Kelly 's lap dance , it dawned to me how well she seemed to know what she was doing . The work Kelly was doing on my cock was starting to give results . I felt that I would not last much longer . While still rubbing her chest , I slipped my other hand down to her upper inner lag and started to move my hand loser to her tinny thong covered sex . Just then Kelly turned her head to me and said , " So , daddy . You want me to stay like this or turn around and face you ? " We looked into each other 's eyes and I said , " That 's up to you sweetheart . " Kelly couldn 't believe how much fun she was having . The thought that she was rubbing on her daddy 's cock was turning her on and the knowledge that he liked it made it better . " I wonder what will happen tonight . " She thought as his cock got harder under her . When his left hand moved up to her breast she moaned . It felt nice and dirty to have him touching her this way . She closed her eyes as his fingers lightly played with her hard pink nipples . She moaned as his fingers played with nipples , teasing them with his touch . It was getting hard to breath and her heart raced . This was so wrong but felt so great . It had always been a turn on knowing her daddy was watching her as she danced naked . She would fantasize about her doing this in there trailer and then him taking her to his bedroom and doing what he wanted to her body . She knew it was wrong to want to fuck a family member , but she wondered what it would be like . The fantasy came back to reality when she felt his hand start moving up her inner thigh toward her wet pussy . If the boss saw him trying to get his fingers under her thong he would have me thrown out . She had no doubt that the boss was watching through one of the peep holes in the walls . She had to do something fast . She smiled at her daddy when he said it was up to her what she wanted . She got to her feet and turned around . His eyes went to the small wet spot on her thong . Licking her lips she walked forward and step on either side of his lap . Then she put her hands on his shoulders and slowly sat back down . She moved up until her wet spot was on his cock and then she felt it rest in between her pussy lips . Oh what she would give to have him slid that into her right now . Moving her body closer she put her arms around her daddy 's neck and looked at him her big blue eyes . She then started to move her hips rubbing her thong covered pussy against him . She closed her eyes again as his hands rubbed up his smooth leg and onto her curvy ass . Moving her head forward gently rubs noses with him like she did when she was little . Then she moved her head back and titled it to one side . In a whisper she said . " Do you like it daddy ? " She giggled as he looked down at her breast . " Anything else you want . " She leaned in closer and whispered in his ear . " We 'll have to wait until we get to the trailer to do anything else . " dkitty If there was any doubt in my mind about any of this , it was gone when I saw the smile on Kelly 's face and the wet spot at the crotch of her thong ! She seductively put her arms on my shoulders and flirted with me while rubbing her self on my hard cock . My daughter was trying to seduce me ! This is something I had fantasized about for some time . I wondered how much more I or she would go , until she whispered to me , " We 'll have to wait until we get to the trailer to do anything else . " " When can you get out of here ? " , I asked in a breathless voice . " When can you get out of here ? " She smiled down at her daddy . He was such a tease or maybe he was being true . What if he wanted to do more when they got home . She decided to wait until then to find out . Now she had to give him a good lap dance . Kelly rocked her hips moving her thong covered pussy against his lump . Sometimes she would fantasize about liking the men she did this to slide their hard cocks into her . It helped her with working her magic on them . But this time was a bit different because there maybe a chance that they were going to after they got home . She leaned in and whispered to him . " I have to do at least one more dance before I can go home . " She sat back and looked at him . Then she gave him a sweet smile . " What should I wear for my next show ? " She saw him lick his lips and look at her pink nipples . Reaching back she put her hands on his knees and held her breast out for him to play with . " Go ahead if you want to . " Kelly was stroking my heard cock with her G - string covered pussy , and I felt something building , but I wanted to save it for later at home . All I could do was to fantasize about getting her home and having a wild night of sex with my daughter in my bed . We were half way to doing that now ! I thought for a moment when she asked me what I wanted her to wear for her next strip dance on the cat walk . I thought of all the costumes that I saw her in when she striped . The school girl , the latex suite , the maid 's costume , the angel 's costume … there where so many . Then I had a thought . I always liked the pretty flannel PJs that she wore around the house . I smiled and said , " How about dressing up in one of your pretty little PJs ? " I smiled and paused and wondered if she would do it . Then I continued in a teasing voice , " If you 're a good girl and you do that for daddy , then daddy will give you something nice when we get home . " I smiled again and pressed my cock to her pussy . She smiled and held out her budding teen breasts for me . I needed no invitation , and , keeping my hands on Kelly 's firm ass , I lowered my mouth to her chest and started kissing and mouthing her firm mounds . First with my lips then with my teeth . This was something I fanaticized about for a long time and now I was doing it ! I took as much of Kelly 's breast into my mouth . I was having foreplay with my own daughter ! It seemed that all inhibitions were broken , and I could hardly wait until we got home ! " How about dressing up in one of your pretty little PJs ? But this time daddy wants to see you strip totally naked for everyone in the bar ! " She smiled at him and wrinkled her nose . She had never done a runway special before . That 's what they called it here when a girl would take it all off . The owner / bartender had to make sure no cops were there for them to do it . She thought abpout how hot and kinky it would be to do that for her daddy . " If you 're a good girl and you do that for daddy , then daddy will give you something nice when we get home . " She giggled and rubbed her thong covered pussy against his cock harder . " I can 't wait to see or feel it , daddy . " She purred . She still wondered if this was real or were they just teasing again . Then she looked down at her firm breast as she held them out for him . She was a bit shocked and turned on as his mouth started to kiss then mouth her firm pink breast . Closing her eyes she started to enjoy the pleasure of his lips . She sucked in air through her teeth as she felt her daddy gently bit her nipple . She couldn 't believe this was happening . If she was dreaming shenever wanted to wake up . " Oh , daddy . That feel so good . " She purred at him . She wanted to feel his cock in her so bad . Please let us do this for real to night so I don 't have to fantasies about it . She thought as she rubbed his cock against her . My little sweetheart never missed a beat and kept stroking her little bottom on my hard member as she seemed to be lost in lust while I mouthed her firm young chest . It was a strange mix lust and taboo . But we are both of age and can do what we want . I moved away from my daughter 's now wet breasts and looked , lustfully , into her eyes . I wondered how much time we had before our time was up . There was one other thing I wanted to do , that I fantasized about for so long ! I move my lips to hers and started kissing her like lovers in heat ! I moved my hand to the back of her head and pressed her lips to mine . Pressing our lips together tightly and moving from side to side , I then penetrated her lips with my tongue as a symbolic sign of things to come tonight . I entered her mouth and probed her soft and warm body . At the same time I felt something string in my groin , just then there was a knock on the door and I could hear Kelly 's boss say " time " in a monotone voice . Kelly couldn 't believe it . She was giving her daddy a lap dance and all she could think about was what it would be like to do this with his cock inside of her pussy . The thought alone made her hot with desire . He daddy fucking her all night long , shooting his hot seed inside of her . Her body shivered and she smiled at her daddy as he sucked her nipples . When he looked up at her she could tell that he felt the same . To night was going to be a fun time when they got home . Then she saw him move his lips toward hers . The girls at the club had a rule : no kissing . It was too personal for the kind of guys that came in here . But if you liked the guy then it was up to the girl herself . She wanted to kiss him more then ever . It felt like electricity was passing through their lips as they kissed . Kelly wanted her daddy more then ever now . She felt his hand in her fiery red hair as he pulled her closure into their kiss . Kelly had never kissed a guy like this before . There was love , passion , and lust in the way they kissed . When his tongue entered her mouth she gently sucked on it to let him see what it was going to feel like later . Kelly was about to stand up and pull her thong off and let her daddy take her there but she heard Pete 's voice letting her know it was time . She broke off their kiss and smiled at her daddy . She bit her lip and smiled at him . " I love you daddy . " She stood up and looked at her daddy 's pants . There was a huge bulge under the material of his pants . She giggled . " I hope you can walk now ? " She put her robe on and walked to the door as her daddy slowly got to his feet . At the door she stopped him and kissed him again . " All nude this time right ? " She smiled as he nodded at her . Kelly walked out of the room and straight to where Pete was working the bar . She motioned for him . " What hot rod ? " He smiled at her and winked at her daddy as he walked by . " Have fun with daddy . " Pete almost swallowed his gum . " You mean all the way . " He smiled at her as she nodded yes . Then he looked over at the bouncer and gave him the sign . The bouncer looked around the club to make sure every one was all usually guest . Cops didn 't like the Runway special against the law . But the crowd loved it when the girl stripped it all off . Pete had wanted her to do this ever since she started here and now she would . The bouncer gave the thumbs up and Pete smiled at Kelly . " When your ready sweet cheeks . " Kelly got up from my lap and smirked to herself while glancing at the tent pole she left in my pants . I got the impression that she liked the idea of causing this kind of thing in men . I figured that was why she liked to strip too . She left the small room while I " cooled off " a bit . I definitely didn 't want to go out to the bar like this ! When I walked out to the bar , I could see Kelly talking with the owner . I guess she was talking to him about my special request . I wondered if Pete would allow it . According to the city regulations , its ok for the ladies to strip naked for privet partied - which Kelly did sometimes - - , but it 's a different story for regular nights . I found a seat next to the catwalk and glanced back to see Kelly walk backstage , but just before she disappeared thought the door she smirked at me - again - and winked at me . Now I smirked a bit , and I knew this was going to be an interesting show . A few minuets later the lights dimmed and Pete came on the PA and said , " Ok , let 's give a big hand for sweet Kelly . She wait 's to do a ' special ' number for her daddy , who 's in the audience ! " I was taken a back by the last part of that remark and I looked around a bit hoping not to be too ovuse " . The crowd roared and I saw a number of people looking around ; apparently looking for ' daddy ' . OOC : Sorry for not posting sooner . Just been real busy at home and work . Kelly went to work on getting ready . First she found a new clean blue bikini to wear . This time when she fastened the strings on the bottoms she made sure they would untie easily . After that she looked around and found a pink pair of PJ 's . This one had snaps so she could take it off faster . She quickly put that on and looked in the mirror . What to do next ? She looked at her long fiery red hair . With a big smile she thought of what to do . Kelly looked for something to put her hair up . She found two ribbons . Then she combed her hair to both sides and with some help tied her hair up into two doggy ears . The tips of them brushed her shoulders as she shook her head to see what they looked like . " Wow , you look like a little girl in that out fit . " One of the other girls said looking her up and down . Kelly laughed and smiled at her . " I kind of fell like one . " She walked to the curtain to wait for her time then looked back . " Oh . Petey said I could do a runway special . " She giggled as the other girl stopped what they were doing and then started to get ready for their time on stage . They all knew if one girl got to the crowd wanted all of them and it was great money . Kelly heard Pete 's voice and her eyes widened as he said something about her daddy . She hoped it didn 't make him mad or embarrassed . The music started and she put that out of her mind . Kelly walked out on stage yawning like she had just woke up . When she was at the middle of the walkway she stopped and opened her eyes . She gave the crowd a sweet innocent look of surprise . She looked around at her daddy and winked then she looked up and started to dance . The crowd screamed and cheered as she moved around the stage . When she had them worked up enough she slowly pulled off her PJ 's , popping one clasp open at a time . When she had finished with that she tossed it to the back and let her fiery red hair tickle her pink freckled shoulders as she start to dance in front of the crowd . She looked at her daddy and he smiled and licked his lips , he was the only one who knew what was going to happen . Next came off her top . The crowd yelled and whistled as her round firm breast bounced as she danced . Her nipples were harder then they had ever been , knowing what she was going to do for her daddy had turned her on more then ever . Now she moved to the front right near were her daddy sat . She looked at him and smiled then she looked at the crowd . She pointed down at her bottoms and nodded at the crowd . They all screamed yes at her as they figured out what she wanted to know . With a big smile she turned around and bent over . She looked at her daddy and mouthed " this is for you " . Next she moved her tummy down and pushed her ass up as she put her hands on the strings of her bikini bottoms . Then with a flourish she tugged on the strings and let her bottoms drop down on the stage . The crowd screamed louder as they say her clean shaven pink pussy showing . She was wet and her outer lips were open at the thought of her daddy seeing her naked on the stage . I almost had a stroke when Pete , the owner , announce that Kelly was doing a special dance for her daddy who was in the crowd ! I tried to blend in and not be too conspicuous . Others in the crowd hooted and hollered and looked around for " daddy " . I just sat in my chair hoping that Kelly 's dance would be over soon and then we could go home and … ! ! ! The lights went dim and the song " Good Vibrations " started . Then spotlight went on the curtain . Kelly walked out like she was just getting out of bed . She looked as sweet as could be . Then she walked in my direction on the cat walk and smiled at me slyly and winked at me . This attracted the attention of a few people sitting near by and they looked at me and grinned slightly - one guy gave me a thumb 's up . I just smiled back . Kelly danced for me and the crowd . She striped off her PJs and threw them into the crowd to a few lucky ones . After some proactive moves her top came off next and Kelly 's perky breasts jiggled as she danced to the music . I sat there and smiled seeing my little one up on the stage in just a tiny G - string , … knowing that that too would come off ! She teased the crowd , she 's so good at that , and bent over showing her round ass and , smiling at me , mouthed some sexy words to me . It was now plain to the crowd who " daddy " was , but by now I didn 't mind the crowd 's funny looks at me . I think they all thought I was the luckiest man alive , so did I ! Kelly reached for the string of her G - string and pulled it off and threw it at me . I was take off guard and not ready to catch it , so it hit me in the face ! I grabbed it and held on to it while the others in the crowd went crazy ! I at once noticed that it was damp . When I refocused on Kelly I was looking right at my sweetheart 's shaved pussy not more then three feet in front of me ! The pedals of her sex were budding out of her sex like the girls in those web sites I visit ! Well , . . " daddy 's littl girl " was now on stage completely naked in front of me and about fifty other horny guys . I don 't know what turned me on more . Seeing her like this or having all the others seeing her like this and making cat called at her ! Kelly finished her dance and left the stage , but before she did , she winked at me again , and the crowd went crazy again ! I go up from the table and walked over to the bar to wait for Kelly to take her home . A moment later sail away After a bit of letting the guys look at her shaved pink pussy , Kelly picked up her thong and tossed it at her daddy . He wasn 't excepting at so it landed right on his face . Well now ever one knows how daddy is . She looked around and saw the other guys giving her daddy a ' damn I wished she was my daughter look ' and there even were a few thumbs up to him . She laughed and danced for the crowd of horny guys . When the music ended Kelly was out of breath . She was breathing hard and that made her chest show off a little more . She then looked at her daddy and winked . The crowd was going wild with yells and cat calls . Yes the guys out there weren 't the best looking or the cleanest , but they were her fans and they love to watch her dance . She loved them for that . She looked down at the money on the stage there was a lot this time . Had to be double what she made from the other dances tonight . She quickly scooped it up and headed back to the dressing room . The next girl walked out on the stage and was greeted by the load whistling . Kelly had a feeling that she would take it all off as well . The guys were going to get a great show tonight . Smiling to herself Kelly walked over to her dressing table . She reached into a drawer and pulled out her duffle bag . After quickly stuffing her new gained wealth into the bag she sat down to take a breather . Her white freckled skin was wet with sweat from the hard work she had just finished . She was hoping to be sweaty again after she got home . I 'm really going to let him do it . She thought as she looked at herself in the mirror . She was going to let her daddy fuck her if he wanted to . The thought of it made a shiver go up her spine and her skin tingle . After a bit she looked around for something to wear . She didn 't think she would have it on for long after they got to their trailer . And it needed to be something easy for them to get off her . She found a short pleated skirt and a white button up shirt . It was to hot for a bra or panties so she left them in her bag . The top she only buttoned the top five buttons and then tied the bottom part to show off her soft white tummy . She took one look at her hair and thought it still made her look like a school girl . She would leave it up in doggy ears her daddy may like it that way . Before she walked away she noticed that the sweat of her skin had made her white top a little see through , she could see a light out line of her hard nipples and pAs Kelly walked out of the lower curtain to the dressing room she looked up at the stage . The girl up there now wasn 't in that good of shape but the guys loved that she had taken it all of to . Kelly had to walk by a few tables to get to the bar and laughed as the guys at those tables patted and light grabbed her ass as she walked by . She knew if she wanted to she could make some extra money by going with one or two of them to a local hotel . A dance and then some fucking was what they wanted . But tonight she wanted to go home with her daddy . As she walked closure to the bar she noticed her daddy talking to a biker guy . Oh , what was his name ? Rex ! That was it . She remembered him from last week . Nice guy not the cleanest person she had ever seen and around her daddy 's age she thought , but he loves redheads especially young ones . She had made $ 100 over what the dance cost just to let him finger her off . She could have made more if she let him fuck her that night but Pete wasn 't in a good mood and she didn 't want to get into trouble so she only let him finger her pussy . Kelly saw him hand her daddy a bunch of cash and him hand Rex her wet panties . Looks like I 'm not the only one to make money tonight . She walked up to her daddy and slipped her arm around his . " Hi daddy . Like the show . " The smile on her daddy 's face let her know he did . She looked at her panties in Rex 's hand and smiled at him . He gave her a hungry look and then his eyes slowly moved up and down her body . " You know that offer still stands . " He said in a gruff voice . " Maybe latter . " She hugged her daddy 's arm letting her firm breast push her hard nipple into it . " Right now I need to get my daddy home . " She noticed that the guys in ear shot were giving her an incestual look as she stood there close to her daddy . They all wanted her to be their daughter for a night too . She looked up at her daddy and gave him a sweet smile . " Ready ? " ' Ops ! I 've been caught ! ' , I thought . Here I was selling some of my daughter 's ' intimate ware ' to some guy I don 't even know and she walks up to us just as the deal is going down . I thought she 'd be mad at me for doing this , but I was surprised when she gave me a big smile and pressed her firm breasts to me . ' She actually seemed to like it ! ' , I thought . Here I was making money off my daughter 's sexual talents and she likes it ! Then I noticed how the other guy was grinning and looking Kelly up and down . Just then the other guy and Kelly said something that I didn 't understand , and I looked at Kelly with a blank expression on my face . I noticed that people around us were quiet and looking at both Kelly and me . Just then Kelly looked up at me and , pressing her chest into my side even harder and with a sparkle in her eye , said , " Ready ? " I responded by just saying , " Yep , lets go ! " Kelly kept her arms around my arm tightly and smiled brightly as we ran a gauntlet of people crowded in the bar . Kelly looked at them and smiled as we passed as if to say , ' This is my daddy ! ' Some waved at her , some winked , and a few patted her ass as we walked by , but she smiled to all of them and seemed to enjoy the attention . She also seemed to know many of them . I wondered how many of the customers in the bar she gave lap dances too , … or more , like the biker guy ! Once we were out side the chill of the midnight air made us both shiver momentarily . It was a five minuet walk to the car , as the parking lot was packed and I had to park down the street . I looked down at Kelly and noticed that her nipples were being very obvious as they pocked through her thin top . We got into my old tuck and drove off . About half way home I decided to break the ice and I said , " Sweetheart , I relly go a rush from your lap dance ! ( pausing ) " Maybe you could give me another one once we get home ? " As we started driving off I remembered what the guy at the bar said to Kelly and wondered about it again . Finally I asked , " Umm … by the way . What did that guy at the bar mean when he said , ' You know that offer still stands . ' ? " I looked at Kelly with a bit of a puzzling expression on my face . Kelly was proud to be walking out with her daddy . He always made her feel so safe and she loved him more than any one else . She saw some of the guys watching her and winking . She smiled at every one of them as she walked passed Mike the bouncer at the door . He was a large black guy with bald head and more muscle them fat . Kelly waved at him and he opened the door from them . She caught him eyeing her up and down and then him licking his lips . But all thought of the club ended as soon as she walked out side . It was chilly tonight and she felt a shiver run down her body . She snuggled closure to her daddy . She could feel her nipples harden more because of the cold , so she made sure to brush against his arm with the closet one every chance she got . When they got to her daddy 's old truck , she smiled as he opened the door for her then closed it after she was inside . She reached over and unlocked his door for him then . They didn 't talk much for the first part of the way home . About have way there her daddy spoke up . " Sweetheart , I really got a rush from your lap dance ! " Kelly blushed a bit and looked out the window . There was something wrong but also hot about her daddy saying that to her . She could feel butterflies in her tummy as she thought about the lap dance . " Maybe you could give me another one once we get home ? " She blushed a little harder at him saying that . She giggled and looked back at her daddy . " I have some CD 's at home of the music I dance to . I practices after you go to work . " She looked down at her feet and then back up at him with a shy grin on her face . " We could use one of the kitchen chairs for you to sit in to . I just need to get some panties on first unless … " She blushed again and looked out the window . He didn 't say anything else about it . She felt a little funny talking about this with her daddy . She then tried to get her mind off it . She started thinking about work and about Rex the biker . She thought about how much he would pay to just have one hour alone with her in a bedroom . They could use the money and the idea of doing some sex of the side wasn 't as bad as some thought it was . She was clean , young and pretty so there were a lot of guys who would pay for a few hours of fun with her . Maybe they could afford to get out of Ain 't it Hell trailer park and get a house if she did . " Umm … by the way . What did that guy at the bar mean when he said , ' You know that offer still stands . ' ? " She looked back at her daddy as they pulled to a stop at a red light . He looked at her with a puzzled look on his face . Even though he was older now she could see the handsome man that was in his and mom 's old wedding photo 's . She couldn 't believe he was still single . Well maybe he needs a hot young think to make him happy , she thought . She moved her hips uncomfortably as she realized how hot that thought had made her . She took a deep breath then started to tell him . " He offered me more money if I um well let him side his . " She felt a bit uncomfortable talking what she thought was dirty around her daddy but she couldn 't thing of any other way to put it . " His cock inside me and um fuck me until he cam . " She looked down then back up at her daddy . " I didn 't because Pete was in a bad mood that night and he would 've canned me if he caught me . So I just let him finger me off and got a hundred for it . " The light turned green and her daddy started to drive again . But this time she saw him shift his hips in the set . That 's when she saw the large lump in the front of his pants . Was he getting turned on by this ? Kelly was proud to be walking out with her daddy . He always made her feel so safe and she loved him more than any one else . She saw some of the guys watching her and winking . She smiled at every one of them as she walked passed Mike the bouncer at the door . He was a large black guy with bald head and more muscle them fat . Kelly waved at him and he opened the door from them . She caught him eyeing her up and down and then him licking his lips . But all thought of the club ended as soon as she walked out side . It was chilly tonight and she felt a shiver run down her body . She snuggled closure to her daddy . She could feel her nipples harden more because of the cold , so she made sure to brush against his arm with the closet one every chance she got . When they got to her daddy 's old truck , she smiled as he opened the door for her then closed it after she was inside . She reached over and unlocked his door for him then . They didn 't talk much for the first part of the way home . About have way there her daddy spoke up . " Sweetheart , I really got a rush from your lap dance ! " Kelly blushed a bit and looked out the window . There was something wrong but also hot about her daddy saying that to her . She could feel butterflies in her tummy as she thought about the lap dance . " Maybe you could give me another one once we get home ? " She blushed a little harder at him saying that . She giggled and looked back at her daddy . " I have some CD 's at home of the music I dance to . I practices after you go to work . " She looked down at her feet and then back up at him with a shy grin on her face . " We could use one of the kitchen chairs for you to sit in to . I just need to get some panties on first unless … " She blushed again and looked out the window . He didn 't say anything else about it . She felt a little funny talking about this with her daddy . She then tried to get her mind off it . She started thinking about work and about Rex the biker . She thought about how much he would pay to just have one hour alone with her in a bedroom . They could use the money and the idea of doing some sex of the side wasn 't as bad as some thought it was . She was clean , young and pretty so there were a lot of guys who would pay for a few hours of fun with her . Maybe they could afford to get out of Ain 't it Hell trailer park and get a house if she did . " Umm … by the way . What did that guy at the bar mean when he said , ' You know that offer still stands . ' ? " She looked back at her daddy as they pulled to a stop at a red light . He looked at her with a puzzled look on his face . Even though he was older now she could see the handsome man that was in his and mom 's old wedding photo 's . She couldn 't believe he was still single . Well maybe he needs a hot young think to make him happy , she thought . She moved her hips uncomfortably as she realized how hot that thought had made her . She took a deep breath then started to tell him . " He offered me more money if I um well let him side his . " She felt a bit uncomfortable talking what she thought was dirty around her daddy but she couldn 't thing of any other way to put it . " His cock inside me and um fuck me until he cam . " She looked down then back up at her daddy . " I didn 't because Pete was in a bad mood that night and he would 've canned me if he caught me . So I just let him finger me off and got a hundred for it . " The light turned green and her daddy started to drive again . But this time she saw him shift his hips in the set . That 's when she saw the large lump in the front of his pants . Was he getting turned on by this ? Kelly was all smiled and looked at me like a girl with a crush after we talked about her doing another lap dance for me . But I was hoping that she 'd take her panties off this time and dance for me naked like she did on stage . But what I really wanted to do was get her in bed with me tonight ! Ok , some people would think that 's perverted , but some people run their lives by other peoples ' values . I looked at Kelly a few times and I started getting a bulge in a short time . I got a glimpse of Kelly looking at my crotch and she grinned . She must have liked the idea of getting her daddy exited . As I stopped for the red light and waited for Kelly to answer my question , but she was quiet for a moment and acted like when she was a little girl and I caught her doing a doing something wrong . Then , in a halting tone she explained to me that that guy at the bar offered her money to have sex with her ! My ears seemed to be burning and I just looked at the red light not knowing what to say . It suddenly dawned on me , ' my daughter wants to sell her self for money like … like … a prostitute ! ' I don 't know what came over me but all I could think of was how hot that thought made me feel … maybe daddy was perverted after all ! Kelly went on to explain that she would have done it if it where not for her boss not allowing it . The light turned green snapped out of it and let out the clutch and we move on to home . Just then I had a thought and I wanted to ask my little sweetheart a question . I paused , and then asked in a surprised tone , " You mean he paid you a hundred dollars ' just ' fingering you ? " I thought of how much I have to work for that kind of money ! After she answered I imagined my sweetheart sitting on that bearded biker guy her head back and cumming while his finger was in her litter twat ! That thought got me even more exited and I tried to shift to hide my excitement , but I don 't think I was fooling anyone . I sensed that Kelly was nervous about talking about this kind of thing to her old man so I said , " SI pulled into the run down trailer park and waited for Kelly 's answer . OOC : Great postes dkitty ! I really appreciate your effort ! SW Kelly smiled at her daddy when he told her she could tell him anything . She loved how not judgmental he was . But then he asked the next part . She blushed a bit and bit her lip . " Well he was going to pay me like $ 300 for me to just um sit on it and let him um fuck me . " She looked out the front window and saw there trailer coming up . She wondered what room she would wake up in the morning . " But some of the girls can get more if they let the guy do more . " She looked over and saw her daddy 's eyebrow go up . She smiled at his silent question . " You know . A blow job , regular sex maybe some anal if the guys into it and the girl doesn 't mind . " She saw him reach down and readjust his cock as they stopped in front of their trailer . Their trailer was medium sized with two bedrooms a kitchen , utility room , bathroom with a tube and shower , and a nice sized living room . Kelly hoped out and walked to the door . She made sure to let her ass shake a bit for her daddy who was walking behind her . When the got to the door he unlocked it and open it for her . She made sure he got a good look to see that she had forgotten here panties . When she heard him cough and clear his throat she giggled as walked to her room . In her room she quickly gathered her CD player and her practice CD 's . Then she thought of something . Walking over to the door she popped her head out and said , " Do you mind put on something besides you jeans ? There a bit rough on my legs . " She winked at her daddy when he nodded yes to her . As she walked to her dresser she thought about what panties to wear . Then it hit her . Why wear panties . She bit her lip and looked at herself in her mirror . She liked the doggy ears her hair was in . That with her cute freckles made her look like a school girl . She kept the white button up shirt on and moved the zipper on the miniskirt around so she could get to it better . She took a deep breath and winked at herself . " Okay let 's see what happens tonight . " She walked out of her room looking down at her CD player . " So were do you want me to … " She looked up and there was her daddy sitting in a kitchen chair in the middle of their living room . The lights were turned down just a bit to sit the mood . But what made her mouth drop open was what he decided to wear for his lap dance . " Well he was going to pay me like $ 300 … " , my ears perked up ! That 's almost my take home pay for a week ! But when Kelly said , " . . to sit on it and let him um … fuck me . " , it was driven home to me that she would be actually working as a prostitute ! Then I had another thought , ' What if she already was … ' working ' ? Kelly paused for a moment , maybe to gauge my reaction . Then she mentioned that some of her friends do blow jobs and anal sex . I could hardly believe my ears ! There were a few times when I spent food money on a hooker to for a blow job or an anal fuck , my favorite form of sex , but now my daughter was considering doing it ! Then my eyes widened as I visualized the little girl that I used to bounce on my lap , under some biker type hammering into her ass ! I pulled into the trailer park , not a moment too soon , as my cock started to harden from all the nasty images I was having of my Kelly ! Kelly seemed to jump out of the truck quickly and as she did I saw her short skirt ride up and expose her firm bottom . I leaned over and locked her door and got out . By that time Kelly was at the front door bending over while fitting the key in the door . As she did her skirt again rode up her nice ass . Then it dawned on me that my daughter toying with me . My own daughter was coming on to me ! Kelly ran into her room to get ready , and I walked to my room to do the same . I thought what to ware after Kelly 's remark about jeans . I wondered what to change into and I also wondered if Kelly was really " working on the side " . She does get good tips at the bar , but I always wondered how she could afford to give her daddy such expensive gifts , and go out with her girls friends all the time and buy things for her self and such . Just then I remembered the dark silk house coat that she gave me for my birthday . I never really liked it that much because it felt ' funny ' , but I knew that Kelly liked it . I was about to strip to my boxers , but then I had a nasty thought and I striped them off too ! I put on the silk coatsail away Kelly could see the large bulge in her daddy 's house coat . By the way it looked she swore that he didn 't have anything on under it . With a slight gulp she walked across the room and sat the CD player on the table . She looked down at his house coat and saw a bit of skin were his boxers should be . Her breath caught in her throat as she thought about him sliding his hard cock inside of her . She could feel her pussy getting wetter at the thought of her daddy fucking her . She couldn 't help it she wanted him to more then anyone else . Shaking her head to clear it she looked up at her daddy 's smiling face . " You wore your silk house coat . " She gave him a sweet smile and put her finger in the side of her mouth . Just a little bit to keep up the school girl image . " I can 't wait to get daddy 's gift . " She then bent down and whispered in his ear . " I hope it 's nice and big . " Then she gently licked his ear . With that she turned on the music and started to dance . With a quick dip of her shoulder down she made her round firm ass stick out at him to let him see she hadn 't put on panties . When she heard him suck air into his mouth she knew he saw it . Remembering how the kitchen floor wasn 't in the best shape she straightened up and kicked her high heels off . Then she danced around to show her cute little pink tummy to her daddy . Her hands moved up and slowly untied the bottom of the white shirt . Then she looked up at her daddy and bit her lower lip in a playful way as she slowly unbuttoned the five buttons . When she was finished with the last one she held her hands over her breast and let him see just the sides of them . With a quick turn in time with the music she shrugged out of the shirt and let it slowly drop off her freckled shoulders . She giggled as she heard the kitchen chair move . She looked around and saw that her daddy had scooted down in his seat so she could sit in his lap better . Looking down she could just see the edge of his hard cock . She licked her lips at the sight . Then she looked up and saw the look of desire on her daddy 's face . Turning with her hands over her naked breast she gave him a wink then with a flourish she took her hands away . She could tell by the way his mouth opened and he licked his lips that he liked her firm breast with their hard dark pink nipples . They were hard and standing straight out as she danced some more . After a bit more moves Kelly walked over to her daddy and held out her hip . On that side was a zipper that would let her short skirt fall off . She laughed as his shaking hands ran up her soft white leg and quickly unzipped her skirt . With a twirl she left the skirt in his hands as she danced naked as the day he first saw her . As she danced she let him see her shaved pink pussy . With two fingers she reached back and gently pulled her swollen pussy lips to the sides and let him see her sweet wet hole . She looked back and laughed as her daddy was almost begging for her t " Ready ? " She walked over and turned her back to him . With her cute curvy ass stuck out she slowly moved down until she sat on his silk covered lap . She could feel his long hard cock under the house coat as she started to rub her ass around in his lap . Then she dropped down off his lap . She twisted around to the music and felt him moving to . Next she came back up with her ass against him . Only this time , to her surprise , she felt warm hard skin resting between her ass cheeks . He had pulled his house coat back out of his lap . A moan escaped her lips as she moved up the length of his shaft . Her ass hole tingled as it moved over up . She keep going feeling her pink pussy lips run up the sides of her daddy 's cock leaving a hot wet trail as they went . The head of his cock was less then a inch away from the opening of her aching pussy . Her heart beat wildly as she thought of that cock head siding deep into her . Then she jumped in shock as her daddy gently but firmly grabbed her waist and pulled her up off his lap . Her heart raced as her body trembled in fear and excitement . This was it , no turning back . Sitting in the dimly lit room , I waited for Kelly to come out of her room and start dancing and stripping for me . I wondered if she might take it all off again , after all she did it in front of strangers for the crowd at the bar . And , remembering her hot lap dance , maybe she even might let me take her to my bed . I wondered again if Kelly was selling herself for sex . I didn 't know what to think of that . Dancing naked and giving lap dances was one thing , but actually going into a room with a stranger and selling herself for sex … well , that is a whole different ballpark . On the one hand it made me horny as hell just thinking about it … damn , I was just thinking with my ' thing ' . And the money that she could bring in could make us rich , at least for our standard of living . And she would have no shortage of ' clients ' , like that guy at the bar , the one who bought her panties from me . Just then I remembered the fifty dollars that the guy gave me , and I had an idea . I took the fifty dollar bill from my wallet and put it into the pocket of the house coat for later . There where always lots of guys here when it was my turn for Friday night poker , and no doubt about why ! The guys were watching Kelly more then their cards ! Kelly dressed in her sexy outfits and served us guys drinks and flirted with us . But that all ended when she started dancing at the bar , because they could see her dance naked and have her lap dance for them . Poker nights basically came to an end as soon as Kelly started working at the bar . I realized that I better get my half hard down before Kelly came in to dance for me . Just then she walked in . By the expression on her face I wondered if she had second thoughts about this . But then she looked at me and smiled when she saw that I was warring the house coat that she gave me , and she said something about a gift that I was supposed to give her . I was confused for a moment , I knew her birthday was still a few months from now . Then she leaned over to me , and as I looked down her chest at Kelly 's budding breast teasing me through her flimsy blouse , she whispered in my ear a sexy remark and I knew what my sexy daughter meant by a ' gift ' . Her liking my ear seemed to seal the deal . Kelly wanted to have sex with her daddy ! Kelly danced in front of me in a sexy , solitary way . Even more then when she was dancing at the bar . Kelly seemed to be teasing her daddy more then dancing for him , and I wondered how far she would go ! Kelly wiggled and teased me with her body every way she could . I watched Kelly 's every move as I felt the precum wetting the silk house coat . After taking off her top and exposing her firm breasts to me for the third time tonight , Kelly stepped over to me and wiggled her hips at me . I looked at the short skirt and could just see her round ass under it . Then I noticed the zipper of her skirt right in front of me , and then I got the idea ! I smiled and reached for the zipper and pulled it down . I could hardly believe this , I was stripping my little girl ! As the zipper came off Kelly twirled around and I was holding the now empty skirt . I looked across the room and their was my little girl naked in front to me ! Kelly bent over presenting me with her firm ass , her puckered but hole , and shaven pussy and , grinning at me , reached back like a pro and parted her pussy lips for me . I was eye level with the pink folds of my sweet daughters inner most secret . Just then a drop of lubricant dropped from her inner fold and fell onto my lap making a spot on the silk house coat . " Enough of this ! sail away
|
After a few days , I realised that life had to go on . The boats still needed fuel and fixing and a dead father seemed to be a meagre excuse for most of the people who relied on us for their amusement . I loved these people normally but their chronic insensitivity to my pain in the face of getting gas for their pleasure boats was pissing me off . The solution to my dilemma walked through the door of the marine office just as I was thinking I did not want to do this anymore . She was tall , statuesque and stunning with long flowing dark hair that had a gentle curl . The man in me fought desperately not to stare at the perfectly perky pair of boobs barely covered by a Canadian maple leaf patterned bikini top or the tiny blue jean shorts . She caught me looking and just offered a soft gentle laugh that let me know that she wasn 't upset or uptight . She told me a few days later that she expected to be looked at when she dressed like that . If she were a knight that outfit would be her armour . It made her feel powerful and probably hated by every female on the planet . Her voice was soft and relaxed as she said , " Hi Davis . " She acted like she knew me but for the life of me I couldn 't place her . But she seemed awfully familiar . " Mandy , " I interrupted finally making the connection . Jack was my Dad 's closest friend . He lived on an island in the lake with his second wife whose name I could never remember . He had been at the funeral but there was no way I would have missed Mandy , grieving or not . The last time I saw her she was 11 and she and her Mom were moving away to Perth . Seems Jack found a new model who couldn 't have been much older than Mandy who had to be 20ish by now . . . A classic mid life crisis gone wrong . Jack used to hang out here all the time but his new wife wouldn 't be caught dead in a grease pit like this . My Dad missed him no matter how much of a cad he thought he was , Jack was his best friend . " Yeah , I remember , " Mandy interrupted not wanting to relive the pain . " But I spend my summers with Jack and Lois , " The way she pronounced her stepmothers name and referred to her father as Jack pretty much told me that time had not healed every wound . " Anyway , I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was about Rod 's …… passing , " there was a long pause as she searched for the right word . It 's funny but this was the first time since the funeral that anyone had used my Dad 's name . It felt strange . Not only had my Dad died but a real person called Roderick Davis had died too . Mandy started again before the awkwardness could continue . " Anyhow , Jack wanted me to ask if you needed any help . I don 't know much about marine engines but I can catch a rope or pump the gas … well after you show me … and you don 't have to pay me , " Mandy added clearly hoping I would not agree to that last part . " I would love to have you working here . I can 't pay you a lot but I am sure we could work something out . " I said truly hoping to just toss the whole damn Marina in her lap and walk away . Mandy seemed like fun , a bit wild and so full of life , she would be a welcome change from the environment of death we had going on for the last 12 weeks or so . I took her to meet Joan even though Joan really didn 't have a say in the matter . She was family and I felt obligated to include her in things . Joan took one look at her and said out loud , " Holy crap she 's gorgeous . " Then she said in my ear , " If you don 't sleep with her , I will . " I knew she was mostly joking but I thought I better spoil the party before I found out for sure . Mandy was a bit confused but smiled happily anyway . Mandy , Joan and I sat down at the kitchen table with Joan still salivating despite the fact Mandy was the daughter of our Dad 's best friend . She was young enough to be Joan 's daughter and I realised that ' damn it she was young enough to be my daughter too ' . Of course , she was just a year or two younger than Larsen . I felt like slapping myself silly for even thinking it . Mandy caught me leering again and again she laughed when I tried to look away . Admittedly compared to Joan I was respectful . Finally , I just called Joan 's name , " Well actually I was enjoying hearing how pretty I am , but if you want to make this all business … . " Mandy said laughing . Joan laughed too much and I just let my eyes do the laughing for me . " Well I am not sure how early you can get here but we won 't open the shop until then . Then if you could take care of the cash , manning the pumps which I will show you in a minute and then just keep an eye on the boats making sure they get moored ok … that kind of thing . " I rattled off her duties as quickly as I could because I kept getting rattled myself looking into those dark blue eyes . She was a friend 's daughter and I was still filled with complicated emotions about Larsen not to mention she was now an employee but I could not help finding her attractive . All three of us burst out laughing . It was something Joan and I had not done for a few days . Mandy 's shock humour was just enough to send us into hysterics and we all laughed too long and too hard . Finally , Joan said , " There is no doubt about it the Marina is in good hands , this girl is hilarious . " Despite Joan 's initial attraction , now she just genuinely liked the girl . Despite my attraction , I felt the same way . " Now there is something you don 't hear girls say that often . " And we both laughed again . It was going to be a fun summer . Mandy was nice to look at and had a warped sense of humour . The only way to ruin the fun would be for us to get involved so I resolved at that moment it would never happen . Mandy arrived promptly the next morning wearing a ' hot girls are people too ' purple tee shirt and a micro mini that I wasn 't sure was covering anything . One thing for sure she was great for business . I had never seen a larger collection of middle aged letches and penis head teenage boys in my life . One of them bought a can of oil and I don 't think he even had a boat . She learned quickly … I even heard her exclaim to a couple of boys , " If you 're not buying anything you 'll have to leave . " I was finally free to work on the engines . There is some satisfaction in taking a broken engine and making it work again . Over in the corner there was a 50 - year - old Evinrude sitting in a test tank that I worked on whenever I had nothing else to do . A boy named Tim had brought it in to me after he found it in his grandfather 's garage . It was on an old wooden boat that had more dry rot than wood left . The boy was lucky to be alive because he rowed that boat about a mile before it literally sank in my dock . I got the crane on the motor just in time . As I was working on the motor and tearing it down I started thinking about progressive compression chambers like a jet or a turbine and I started thinking about using many fuels instead of one . One to power the initial compression reaction for a further compression of something inert that became volatile when compressed . I had done it . I had solved the problem that the scientists in the propulsion lab had failed to . You could hyper compress the fuel use its decompression to fuel the next reaction and so on down the line until the two most volatile fuels mixed to create a cataclysmic reaction . I wanted to call Larsen and tell her but she had chosen to use my designs as engines of death . The only thing I could do was build one myself . If it worked in water with the chemicals I could easily get like hydrogen , nitrogen and oxygen , it could work with more sophisticated chemicals . I would build my super engine later ; right now , I had an internal combustion engine to take care of . It had a cracked cylinder head which had scored up the cylinder pretty badly but it was fixable . That kid hadn 't been back since the day he almost drowned . Yet another parts delivery I would probably never get paid for . I could see why Dad was always such a stickler for half down when he did a major repair … at least his costs were covered . The words hit me by surprise . I guess I shouldn 't be surprised that someone that pretty had a boyfriend but this Tim kid was well young … probably her age as I thought about it . Now I was having second thoughts about fronting the kid the parts to fix the engine . He probably couldn 't get his hands on a boat to go with it anyway . The little schmuck who gets to touch that face , kiss those lips , run his hands through that hair and … . . " What ? No … well a little skin can make a man feel as guilty as sin . " Mandy laughed at her quote from god knows where . " Anyway , for some reason I feel like I have to explain about Tim and me . " She offered but I tried to stop her before she finished . " No , no not at all . I guess I assumed you didn 't have a boyfriend but I never asked and it really is none of my business . I mean god knows you are pretty enough but I guess I thought . . well none of these kids would be good enough for you , " I felt like I had turned three shades of purple and just kept digging myself in deeper . " Tim lost his father a while ago and now his grandfather . He looks like he is about 14 but actually he is 18 and lives with his sister and her husband in their grandfather 's old house . I call him my boyfriend ' cus we hang out a lot and it helps get rid of some of the boys . But I am older than him and he knows that so it 's really platonic , though there are times when I am sure he would like more than that . Then again there are other times when I am not sure he is in to girls … . He has a huge G . I . Joe collection and he notices shoes … what 's that tell ya ? " She laughed to my relief because I was laughing too . " Oh , poor girl ! I was in love with someone who was gay too . But since she and I were both gay that made it a lot easier . " Joan was teasing but still flirting rather sadly with the girl who was 25 years her junior . " What you need to do , " Joan continued " is have an affair with a mature woman . That will pay the boy back for his preferring the sausage . " " It 's not like that , " Mandy protested . " Tim isn 't really my boyfriend and I don 't know that he is gay . From the way he looks at me I would say that he isn 't but he does play with dolls and is aware of shoes … " " See , despite the fact my brother would blow a man to measure the scientific reaction , I know he is not gay . Only women , gay men and shoe makers actually notice shoes . " Joan continued until we all were laughing hard . " Yes , you would and then you 'd get someone else to blow him to see if the law of diminishing returns holds true in a sexual vane or not . " Joan 's comment was probably true . For science , I would probably do almost anything . Not sure if I would go that far or not but I had done some unusual things to measure a scientific truth . " Don 't be . I guess I would be more worried if you did know what shoes I was wearing . I had you pegged as straight and I would have had serious gay - dar issues if you turned out to be gay , " Mandy said still half teasing . I hadn 't even fired up the engine of the cruiser since before Dad died . I had come in and turned the blowers on and run the bilge pump for a while but I didn 't start it . The Sacred Heart as Dad named her was built by an Ontario firm called Grew . She was a 26 - foot mahogany lapstreak wooden boat built in the 70s with a small forward vee cabin and a fold away galley table . As kids , we went on all kinds of trips on her but after Mom disappeared it was only occasionally . Dad loved the boat ; spending every winter re - conditioning the hull and making her sound for the water . It was the first engine I ever worked on . The original engine was a 350 Chevy that I had developing over 500 horsepower with a new inboard - outboard using a variable pitch and through the hub exhaust propeller . My Dad was very proud of the modifications . Especially proud when his cabin cruiser was blasting past ski boats half its size . As we gathered up the stuff we need for the trip , I reflected on how far Joan and I had come . We hadn 't stayed in touch over the years . She had resentments and so did I but we overcame them all and here we are today as close as any two siblings can be . My sister was talented . She kept my Dad strong right up till the end . It was her strength that allowed him to keep his dignity and not haemorrhage to death . She was the one who made most of the arrangements while keeping me going at the same time . I was proud of my big sister . I had only just found out she was a lesbian and the story of her life was really quite sad . But she knew me and knew I was afraid of the love that was developing between me and Larsen more than I was angry at Larsen 's betrayal . She helped me see that I was changed and quite a bit more receptive to what the future might hold . The engine fired up right away like the heart of my father living inside of it . I looked around the small marina with its blue painted wooden floating docs , the boathouse in the back where we kept the speed boat , the white and grey marine office where people signed in for overnight docking and bought their supplies ; the two big pumps , one with diesel and the other with pure gas and several gas oil mixtures that hardly anyone ever used anymore ; the trees that lined the back so you couldn 't even see the parking lot behind them and behind the boathouse was my house where Joan and I grew up . I never realised how much I really loved this place . Joan was right I was just hiding out but now I really felt like I was home . With Mandy running the marina and me fixing boats and able to experiment and play , I can 't imagine any other place in the world I would rather be . Joan could come back on the weekends and spend some time here and I would keep the place running . Sure , there was no trip to Mars , but there was a life and a strange feeling of contentment came over me . For the first time since my mom disappeared , I felt like I belonged somewhere , right here at home . I untied the boat from the doc cleats and threw the rope on top of the deck . I thought the lone turquoise border strake that connected the deck to the hull looked a bit dingy and could use a coat of paint . Dad would have been pissed that I let this go so much . While the boat just floated , I took down the musty smelling tarp and opened the back deck to the sky . I revved the engine once and then popped it in reverse for a second then let it coast back . The Sacred Heart floated back quietly . I put the cruiser in drive and steered her toward the refuelling doc . Mandy and her sexy short dress were waiting for me and I tried to divert my eyes as she fuelled the tank . In this day and age , it is unthinkable to even admire beauty . But since the boat needed gas it would have to be this way … for now ! Things like regular hours and opening and closing times had never been part of the regimen of the marina . So , it was no issue for Mandy to join Joan and I to just leave . As the waves pounded gently on the old wooden hull , the boat planed perfectly past the many rich man islands as we traversed the lake . We pulled up to an old government dock that had seen better days and moored there and we walked the old road into the town of Perth . We found a nice - looking restaurant and as we walked in past the nautical décor on the walls and waited until each man had a chance to rape Mandy at least once with their eyes before we sat down at a table for 4 . " Before you get too drunk , I just wanted to tell you that it 's time for me to go back to Ottawa . " Joan said without a hint of smile . " Now that you have Mandy to run the shop and we 've had time to grieve . I think its time to get back to reality . " " No , it 's not that I want to leave . In fact , I 've really enjoyed this time with my baby brother … getting a chance to re - connect with you has been one of the best times of my life … in spite of why it happened . But I need to be a nurse , to save lives , to feel useful . I need to be me again . " Joan said it like she was asking for permission . " Well that 's just it . We have reconnected and I will not stay away this time . I will be back as often as time permits and who knows I might even learn to pump gas or something . We are not going to lose what it took losing our father to get . I will be part of your life and nothing you can do will stop me . " Joan reassured . The hours sailed by and after a fill of Lobster flown from Moncton to Ottawa and picked up by the restaurant in Perth that very day … . I made mine dance and used the claws for castanets … yeah I was hammered … it was awesome . The three of us had a blast and we somehow staggered our way back to the boat . I passed out on the transom bed and the girls went down below deck and if I am not mistaken , spent the night getting off with each other . They must have been in better shape than I was because all I could think of was how the boat was going side to side and I was spinning . At one point , I covered myself with the musty smelling tarp as I had donated enough blood to the save - the - mosquito foundation . In the morning , I untied the boat and headed back home . It felt odd like this might be the last time . I didn 't know how or why but I had a sense of impending doom and I could not really explain it other than an odd turn in the grieving process . Despite Mandy 's pleas for Joan to stay just a bit longer . Joan left later that afternoon . I wasn 't sure if it was just that the kid had never had anyone love her and leave her but she seemed insistent until Joan was finally really short with her . Mandy said , " If you leave now you will never see me or your brother again ! " Joan just smiled and grabbed Mandy into a hug and said , " Trust me you 'll get over it . " And at that she packed her last suitcase into her car . Joan and I packed up the rest of her stuff into the car so she could get on her way . Mandy was nowhere to be found . It was later summer now so the daylight was leaving early like it had an appointment somewhere else in the world . It was still hot and humid and I could feel the sweat making my clothes cling like I was using bad dryer sheets . Or , it might have been the fact that for the first time I would be alone in a place where my Dad had always been an island of peace in a world of tribulation . Now that my sister was leaving I would have no choice but to miss him and feel truly alone . I knew I 'd keep busy with the boats in the summer and snowmobiles in the winter - there was always gas to pour , engines to fix and gadgets to sell . It was a simple life that I had opted for and I was going to share with my father for at least another 10 years or so . Now that he was gone I had no choice but to keep his dream going . A few months ago , and that would have seemed like a threat and now I was really looking forward to it . As Joan drove away up through the trees on the long driveway , I went back to the cabin cruiser to putter around and wait for customers . For a while I just looked down into the crystal - clear waters of the Big Rideau Lake and allowed myself a chance to feel sad . I had been so focused on doing things that this was my first real opportunity to grieve . I was alone . My melancholy had driven me to a deep sleep under the canopy on the back of the boat . If there had been any customers , I am sure they were not happy but I had slept so deeply that I actually felt better . It was very dark now but there were very bright lights coming from the other side of the house . They looked like police lights and I quickly turned on the radio . There had been accident , someone had driven off the bridge near the Lake and the lone occupant had not been found . If it had been Joan , there was a chance she was still alive . I jumped off the boat and ran to the house but these men and women were not police . They were wearing uniforms of what looked like thick but pliable plastic and helmets with lights built in . Just up the driveway was a long jet - fighter sized flattened tube with small glass windows and more of the uniformed people inside . I think I am just about to be kidnapped by aliens but these were not aliens at all , they were speaking English and looked like soldiers . I wonder if the damned Americans couldn 't get their missiles to fly properly and were here to take my brain apart … but they didn 't look like Americans either . As I got closer I still had not been seen . There was one standing with his back to me with a gun in his hand . I am not a soldier or even trained in any way but instinct took over and I had knocked the guy over before I knew what the hell I was doing . He fell with a thud … head first . I don 't know if I killed him but he did not look well . I took his gun and as I looked up , coming out of the door of the house was Mandy and behind her was another soldier . I fired and hit him square in the face . He went down quickly . I screamed for Mandy to get down but as I did she lifted her odd - looking small sceptre - like weapon and shot me . The she shouted , " He 's out here , " as I felt myself melt like I had been turned into soup " Ms . Larson , " is all I could say without opening a bag of hatred that I had hoped to use the next time I saw her . This was now two women who had betrayed me . Mandy had just shot me with some sort of heat ray gun which although not fatal , wasn 't the most pleasant experience I ever had . It felt like I was being boiled alive for a second and then I felt nothing . I think it felt worse that an old family friend could do this but I had to remember that it was her youth and beautiful face and body that made up for the fact that I was a gullible man and I really didn 't know her that well . As I looked around there really wasn 't anything other - worldly about the ship . In front of me was a narrow hallway with metal locker - like doors and the cages on the other . I felt cheated that there wasn 't some sort of force field … just metal cages like the ones they had at the SPCA for large dogs . There looked to be about 10 cages but only 5 of them had people in them . Two of the captives were moaning and crying , another was sort of catatonic and just two were curious . Our captors looked more like cops in green than they did military . Most looked like they were fit humans in their mid to late 40s . They wore jumper style flight suits with a shiny black x belt that attached in the middle of their chests . From that hung the sceptre weapon , a communicator { I assumed } and some sort of scanning device . My cage was somewhere in the middle of the ship with about 15 feet to the front and to the back . At the back , I could see Mandy in a mini dress whoring it up with a few older soldiers , laughing and giggling like she was deciding to sleep with all of them at once or just one at a time . She saw my stare , stopped smiling for a second and went back to being an unconscionable whore . As looked to the front of the ship I saw someone that made me think I was dreaming and I would wake up with a hang - over and a laugh . Ten feet in front of me was … . but it couldn 't be … my mother . First , she hadn 't aged since I was a kid . Secondly , she had been gone for more than 20 years ! She looked and saw me but it obviously didn 't register who I was and she resumed talking to the men and women around her . All I could say was , " Mom ? " over and over again until the slut who betrayed me was standing in front of me . As she bent down all I could think of was wrapping my hands around her perfect little neck . I grabbed but the cage was in the way . She just smiled and turned around and pulled up her mini skirt and said , " What 's wrong Mr . Davis don 't you still want to DO me ? " Then she started to laugh as she slowly put her thonged butt away and turned back around . " First , I would be careful not to remind them if I were you . You shot a couple of their men and they are not happy with you at all . Secondly , most of us are not aliens … . we 're kind of like mercenaries from Earth representing the planet Usalus … . " Usalus , and this will go quicker if you just let me finish . " Mandy said getting angrier now . " Most of us are volunteers who were given the option of leaving our troubled lives on Earth and becoming peace and security workers . It 's a pretty simple job since we don 't have wars to fight . Usalus has very few enemies except for a border dispute with a nearby planet in an adjacent solar system . So , we spend our days training for a fight that hopefully will never happen . " Why mercenaries from Earth ? " Davis asked in spite of himself " Oh , Sure now he speaks to me . If you think he is difficult now , try working with him … . " Larson started until she realized they were both just staring at her . " Oh , right sorry … Can 't interrupt or Davis wont get his rocks off with the child , " She muttered under her breath . Mandy was getting angrier now . " First , I would have been more into you than him but even if I did do Davis , which I didn 't … " She was getting flustered now . " Secondly , if I had , it would have been for this mission and nothing else ! " Mandy paused and waited for Larson to say something and then went on . " Over the years there have been a few … what the Usalans call ' Reluctants ' but for the most part every one of us is a volunteer . We left because we just could not stand our lives back on Earth . You two with the other 3 are our first real Reluctants in a long time . The Usalan Science Command came across a design for propulsion which involved the mixing of 2 different fuels … " And take more and more people from Earth who may or may not want to go . " Davis stated the obvious . " Well I 'm excited . I can 't wait to be part of more kidnappings . " Davis said sarcastically " Look Mr . Davis you were nice to me … " " Oh , I 'll bet he was … " Larson muttered and they both ignored it with an eye roll " So I will tell you the truth , " Mandy continued whispering , " They use creatures … that … well … don 't control you but give you that moment of near euphoria and you 'll do anything to feel it . I 've seen it happen . Believe me you don 't want that . But that is exactly what they will do to you if you don 't cooperate . " Mandy was back to full volume again . " But none of that is ever going to happen because you 'll realise you can pretty much have whatever you want whenever you want it . Except to go home . " As the woman Davis thought might be his mother … except younger … started to walk by , Mandy introduced them . His eyes were glassy , thick with tears that would never come . He held out his hand to me and for the first time in my life I was afraid to take it . I knew it would be for the last time . He grabbed my hand hard and held it there for a second until I could feel his remaining strength . The tube in his neck that prevented him from talking coughed a mucous filled snort and trickles of blood trailed out of his trachea . Time was so short now . He motioned for the children 's toy pad he used to write with . I picked it up and lifted the plastic sheet to give him a clean surface to write on . His snarl and that look of " you idiot " he always had when he was teasing me about some dumb mistake I made , told me I goofed again . He wanted me to read what he had written . He grabbed the stylus and began to write with his shaky hand . " You 've always been smarter than the rest . But you made a mistake leaving that girl behind . You left the space program for the right reasons … but now you have to use that brain … . . " His hand stopped but I knew what he was trying to say so I finished it out loud for him , " for more than fixing outboard motors and fishing " . He nodded , smiled and winced from the pain and more blood trickled from his neck . He and I had never spoken about me leaving the propulsion lab . I just figured he would not understand but evidently my sister had been providing more than just her nursing skills . It flashed back in my mind . We were in a large conference room … too large for the few people in it . There were three American military men fully decked out in uniform complete with medals like they were supposed to mean something to me . They all had grey hair but were otherwise in great shape . They kind of looked like triplets and I almost laughed at them for their rigid demeanour . My boss , Tom Arnold ( no relation ) , was head of the lab and a person who had gone out of his way to make me comfortable in my stay in Florida . He was heavy set and balding … looking far more worried than any multi millionaire should ever look . In the middle of the room seated at the middle of the table with her white blouse too far open to be considered professional was a petite lovely young woman with weepy eyes that when you looked close at them , sparkled between blue and sometimes green , my propulsion engine project team - leader . She and I had an often too flirty relationship and I had come to regard her as a close friend . I would have been pining for more under different circumstances but she was just fresh out of school and I had been working on the space program for almost her entire life . Well , that and she was kind of out of my league . When she smiled , she was breathtakingly stunning and I was well … unarmed . I assumed she was there for my benefit … to make me feel like I wasn 't being persecuted . The uniformed men all sat rigid and left the arguments to my boss . " Look Davis we have no choice … they … " pointing at the military boys , “… supply the money for this project … " my boss ' round face turned purple as he argued a point that he knew I would never accept . The rest of what Larsen said faded in to pain . She turned on me and stabbed me in the back and in the heart , all at the same time . I thought she and I had a connection … an understanding … something . We had fun working together . We laughed all the time and Larsen was one of those people who produced tears when she laughed hard enough , so I tried to out do myself each day . She was playful and fun taking my constant innuendo , which would have sent most people screaming to the sexual harassment office , as if it was a new joke . When we hung out after work we both remarked about how neither of us had that much fun before … taunting and teasing until we had to leave as we both had separate ways to go . At one point , she asked one of those cryptic questions about my feelings , whatever they are and I just reminded her that , as my father always said , " Never ask a question you don 't want an answer to . " I was a scientist , not a Hallmark Card . I couldn 't have feelings . Just because my serotonin levels were out of whack when I was around her didn 't mean I … " I mean I know that you know how I feel and down deep I think I know better than even you how you feel ; if either of us felt anything , which of course we do not . " She laughed at my pretended rejection of human emotions . " So I know that you know … you know ? Like every human being that craves socialization into a harmonious pair bond , I want to hear it , just once , but it changes everything and it changes nothing . " As cryptic and confusing as it was , we both understood and we never spoke of our " feelings " again . My separate way , as I called my girlfriend , crashed and burned … seems I was having too much fun with a co - worker . She left me and I hardly even noticed because I couldn 't wait to get back to work and see Larsen . To try and figure it out , I called my Dad and I told him all about her and he said if he didn 't know better he 'd say , I had surrendered to the ' human pair bonding ritual ' referring to something I wrote as a kid about how love didn 't exist . It doesn 't … I was right . I never spoke to Larsen again . Even thinking her name causes me to relive a betrayal and the feeling of stupidity … how could I think she felt something for me ? How could I have been so wrong ? I left Florida that night hoping to never think of those people again . I flew back to Canada , rented a car and drove to the small town of Portland on Big Rideau Lake near Ottawa and started working at my Dad 's small marina . It had 15 or 20 small motorboats and a few sailboats all tied to floating docks that seemed to spring from the heavy evergreen trees that almost obscured the small marine garage where I fixed small engines , an office and the house behind it . I had a bit of money saved up and I wasn 't in any hurry to see my inventions used to slaughter innocent people again . Boats are simple and boaters can be trusted . A few weeks after I got home I caught my Dad coughing up blood and was having trouble speaking . Despite his reluctance , I took him to the hospital . The Doctors kept telling him there was nothing wrong with him until the last Doctor did an exploratory surgery on his neck . I never got to hear my dad 's voice again ; they left a trachea tube in his voice box and told me he had a few weeks to live . They asked me if I wanted to tell him or if they should . I said I would tell him … it would be better coming from me . I wanted to run away … even the lab was better than this but I had to do it . " Hey Dad , " he turned to me and smiled , " the news is not good , you have oesophageal cancer and the time is very short . " I felt " Any hope at all ? " I just shook my head . He waved good bye ironically with a forced smile and wrote , " Here till I die ? " Meaning did he have to stay in the hospital until the end ? " No … no you 're not , " and I picked up my cell and called my sister and asked if she could get away for a while . They had always had a strained relationship so I figured she would be less than eager to look after him now . Nevertheless , she agreed to come out to the house and stay until the end . The hospital and everyone said we couldn 't take him home but we insisted and spent the next 6 weeks tending to his every need …… . " Its time " is all she said . But it sounded like a warden getting the final word that there was no reprieve and the execution would proceed . She would give him enough Morphine that he might not know anything at all until his heart stopped . " Rob , would you really want him to die by drowning in his own blood ? We agreed to this a long time ago when we said we would take him home to be with us … until his last day … today . Please let him have his dignity . " Even 6 weeks later it was still strange to hear someone call me by my first name . My sister , Joan , was less than subtle but I had to tell him one more thing … or maybe I was trying to buy him time . Even I didn 't know . Dad looked at me and then motioned to Joan to proceed . The tears I had not shed during the 10 weeks of 24 - hour - a - day chronic care , boosting his oxygen levels , feeding him through a stomach tube , cleaning his trachea and keeping his spirits up , suddenly started to spill out . I wanted to explain about what all happened with the girl , my life , but there was no time for that now . He grabbed my hand and shook it like he was saying goodbye to an acquaintance and then let me go . Joan was crying now and her hands shook so badly that I had to help her give him the injection . No matter how I felt , this is what he wanted and I did not have the right to deny him that . I could see his instant reaction of relaxation after the injection and we shut off the oxygen and waited . There was a deafening silence as we listened to hear each breath and wondered if it was his last . Joan wanted to distract me from discussing what we just did and I was relived to talk about anything else no matter how painful it was . " So tell me about this girl Dad was talking about , " she asked . We both spoke quietly so as literally not to wake the dead to a pain and a scene neither of us could comprehend . " Well Larsen and I had in instant but odd connection . Differences in time and age meant nothing as I teased her relentlessly about her poor choice of words and hillbilly expressions . We didn 't talk that much face to face ; most of our conversations were over the company chat line . I was glad of that . She had a smile that could disarm a battalion . Her eyes sparkled between hues of blue and green as they filled with mischief and playfulness . She would innocently ask something like ' how much thrust does this thing have ? ' And I would respond , ' how much thrusting do you need ? ' She laughed easily without concern over the rights and wrongs of conversations between co - workers . It was like I could never go too far and I could turn everything into a joke . For the first time in my life I was having what other people might call fun . She seemed to love it and teased me back as often as she could . I couldn 't wait to go to work just to hear what she was going to say next . " " You may recall , I had a girlfriend , Tanya , who hated my guts but so long as Larsen was around , I didn 't even care about that . " By the look on Joan 's face I guess she didn 't know about Tanya either . It really had been a long time since we talked . " Tanya had accepted my lack of profound emotion and scientific rationalizations but seeing me give those emotions , which I claimed I didn 't have , so freely to someone else was too much for her . Eventually she left me and I don 't even recall if she said goodbye . Larsen was all I cared about and even the thrust mechanisms of the propulsion unit were a backdrop to my feelings for her . A cheap excuse to spend time discovering who I really was for the first time . " " No , of course not ! I just got used to her and how she made me feel . Its normal to long for things you can 't have , isn 't it ? " I asked rhetorically . I understand the affect her youthful exuberance can have on someone like me trying to recapture his youth . Her rampant pheromones caused stimulation to my neurons and the effect of which was euphoric . Obviously , it was one sided and " the feelings " if you want to call them that will fade . Like a million other men I just got it wrong . " I said it more to convince myself that Joan . " I would know that she was lying . She loved her boyfriend . She loved her work and she loved my designs . I guess I just misunderstood ; she loved what was in my mind . I just let my fired - up testosterone levels from her too - low - cut shirts and captivating delicate features dominate my thinking . It happens . I just wish it would never have happened to me . She did rescue me from Tanya though so I guess I could thank her for that . But love ? No , more obsession than love . I think the best way to describe it is an addiction to a drug you can never get enough of until it kills you . " I declared to my own pain and simultaneous satisfaction . Joan wasn 't buying it . " Get over it Rob . You were in love with her . Obsession is selfish and I don 't think you are a selfish person . I think emotionally you are a 38 - year - old three - year - old who couldn 't admit to love because it made him vulnerable . She had you and you hated her power over you so you bolted . " Joan didn 't pull any punches . " Did you get an explanation ? Did you ask her why ? Did you even tell her you had feelings for her ? No , No and No , " Joan answered her own rhetorical questions . Maybe she did all that to force you to get angry and admit your feelings . But you ran away . So , little brother … you blew it ! " Joan was fierce in her condemnation and I wondered what happened to her to make her feel that way . But more I had to ask myself if there was a chance that she was right ? All this time it had been easy to blame Larsen and pretend I was running away for my own honour but now I was wondering if I wasn 't trying to hide from my own feelings . I hated Joan for this but I loved her for telling me . There was a long silence and then Joan opened up . " I was in love once . That is how I know how Larsen feels . This girl was tall , blond an amazing body … most guys would have killed for a minute with her but she was a dyke like me …… What ? " Joan asked as my mouth dropped in shock . " Oh , my god Rob , you even walked in on me and my girlfriends when you were a kid . Didn 't you think it was odd I was kissing them ? Let alone the fact I am in my 40s , don 't have kids and you 've never seen me with a man . You can 't be that dense ! " Joan said laughing at me I felt retarded . I did see them kissing and touching each other but I just thought she was playing around practising for a boy . " I honestly had no idea . I just thought you were career driven . " We both laughed at how stupid I had been then the reality of us laughing with our Dad dying beside us brought us back to a quick sombre reality . " Anyway , " Joan continued , " She was gorgeous and everybody wanted her . She was so far out of my league that I didn 't even think to take a shot . But she started flirting with me , a lingering hand on the shoulder , a poke in the side even a slap on the bum as I walked away . It was clear she wanted to go slumming and I was her slum - lord . I was drawn to her but so was everybody so even then I didn 't pay much attention . I just figured she wanted to play around . Once when she dropped by my office , she ran right up and kissed me on the cheek and I think she was turning to my lips when I laughed . I mean this gorgeous girl could never want me , right ? " Joan asked rhetorically . Joan was crying as she continued , " She must have taken my laugh as a rejection because she stopped being as flirty . Then one day she came in to the office looking very serious and shut the door . She got a job offer in Toronto and was asking me if she should take it . After she explained the offer to me I told her it was too good to pass up . She left my office looking rejected . All I really wanted to tell her was , ' I want you to stay here with me , ' but I thought that was too selfish . She gave her notice and the next two weeks were about her leaving and I feigned excitement for her . The reality was it was killing me inside ' cause I would always wonder if that kiss had turned into something real , if she would have stayed . On her last day , I kissed her on her cheek again but I closed my eyes so she couldn 't see the pain . We chatted forever and then she drove away . I have never stopped thinking about her . I wish I had betrayed her like Larsen did to you to try and get her to admit something or told her how I felt at least . She was raped and murdered 24 days after she got to Toronto . That playful personality , the beautiful face and body , destroyed by a maniac . I told her in email how much I missed her but I never told her the rest and now I never will . " It was hours before his breathing stopped and Dad was gone . I had never felt so alone and yet for the first time in my life I was never surer there was an eternal truth to existence . This can 't be it . There must be more to this universe than the random particles of matter that somehow coalesced into becoming cognisant beings . At that moment , despite my scientific teachings and empirical sense of truth , I needed to believe there was a god and somehow my father was as special to Him as he had been to me . Joan and I had never really been close as children . She was older and out of the house by the time I was 10 . Nevertheless , we held each other like the closest of siblings . We were orphans now and no matter how we felt about one another , we were the only real family either of us really had . Our mother disappeared when I was 14 . Most people think she drowned in the lake and the body just never surfaced . The police and the military searched for days and days and gradually any faint hope we had that she might come barging through the door dissipated over the years . My father never gave up hoping and really never went on with his life because , " Helen might come home and find no one here , how would we explain that ? " She never did nor would she ever . It took me a while to accept it … years really . Joanie on the other hand some how knew Mom was gone forever the minute I called her that night . She sensed something was wrong before I even called . I was trapped in hope and I hated Joan for not hoping . Each Christmas I would set a place for Mom but Joanie would always clear it away and tell me to " grow up … she 's gone … get over it ! " I knew but I didn 't want to know . It 's like when a relationship breaks up and you sit by the phone , wondering why they don 't call . You know its over and they are not going to and yet … you cling to the hope until time eventually reminds you it 's really over . I called the extra mural hospital Doctor , the police and funeral director . The police arrived first and waited for the on - call Doctor to say there was no foul play . To be truthful I had forgotten that what we did might have been considered a crime . When the Doctor came she simply said it was good that we got a healthy dose of morphine into him when we did as his lungs were filled with blood , and his death might have been much violent had we not been so ' on the ball ' . There wasn 't even a wink in the sound of her voice . Joan was relieved as that might have been the end of her nursing career . But the Doctor and the police were satisfied . When the mortuary came to take the body , it was much more traumatic than I thought it would be . He was dead and they were waltzing off with a cadaver and yet it felt so real when they put him in the body bag , threw him on a stretcher and wheeled him away . For the first time , I realised he was leaving the house and never coming back . It was a quiet and dignified service and I think most of the people there didn 't even know who he was . We had him cremated and even though it 's against the law , mysteriously his ashes fell out of my motorboat in the middle of the lake . He 's always said that is where he wanted to be , just in case Mom was waiting there for him . Then Joanie and I hit the throttle and drove one end of the lake to the other and back again at over 80 miles per hour . It 's a fast boat . Next to the old wooden 26 foot Grew Cabin Cruiser , it was Dad 's favourite and I could see why . The beauty of going that speed is there will be tears on your face anyway and the water bounces up and washes them away . Having driven back and forth between lower Rideau and Big Rideau so many times I couldn 't count , night had fallen and I didn 't even notice . It was the first time I had looked up at he stars since I came back . It was a clear night and you could see each one glowing in the black night sky . There was a slight wind and the boat rose gently in the water and lowered with a slight splash . I cut the engine and through out the anchor . It caught nicely and I just looked up . " No one ever does Rob . But believe it or not it does get easier … after a long time . Not to change the subject but what is happening in the stars ? I keep seeing flashes and then what looks like satellites moving through the sky . " Joan was curious " I see it too and frankly I have no idea . It looks like the flashing of engine fire on some of the satellites but we would never be able to see that from here . Ah well whatever it is … . maybe its some nukes with cool new engines ready to rain down on us . Now that would be a thrill . " I said only mildly sarcastically . Truth is I wish that was exactly what the phenomenon was . I would never commit suicide but right now I yearned for death . We spent the next few hours watching the light show and then went back to port and drank Southern Comfort in the kitchen of the house and talked about lost love until the dawn broke through the window and told us to go sleep it off . " To Dad , " we both toasted over and over again until we were both toasted . At some point in the night the lack of sleep and the alcohol made us both giddy and Joan randomly confessed , " You want to know something ? " " I 've never slept with a man , " Joan said completely at random . " I mean I am a lesbian so I guess I am not a virgin cause I have slept with girls . I 've slept with a lot of girls but I have never slept with a man . " Joan confessed while taking a huge gulp of Southern . " I 've never slept with a man either … " and we both laughed so hard we fell on the floor . After a long time of looking at each other and starting to laugh hysterically again . " But … but I can go you one better , " I said still laughing . " Not only have I never been in love , which you knew already … . I mean I have had lots of unrequited crushes which I guess you could call love , albeit a bit one sided … " I was randomly going all over the place and I couldn 't even remember what I was saying . " What was I saying ? " " Right … That 's right . I have never loved anyone who loved me back so I guess you could call that emotional masturbation … " We both laughed for what seemed like hours still on the floor under the kitchen table like we were kids in a fort . " Now I know what you 're thinkin ' What about Tanya ? " I asked guessing what she might be thinking . " Tanya loved scientists . She was smart but she really got turned on by intellect . She was involved with another scientist who was married when I got to Florida and I think she went back to him after she left me . She loved me doting on her . She loved me serving her every need . She just didn 't love me at all . But here is the best part , she didn 't believe in open mouth kissing . So , I am 38 years old and have never really kissed a girl , " sobering up long enough to finally deliver the end of the confession story . Joanie was laughing at me now and as pathetic as it was I was laughing with her . Time went on until finally I asked her about Mom . " Why wouldn 't you let me set a place for her at Christmas or even let me think she might come home ? I really wanted to believe that after she disappeared she might just walk through the door . " I was accusing her but I was mostly curious . " For Dad . It broke his heart when Mom disappeared . Like you I wanted her to walk through that door but even after a few days I knew . See I knew something at 18 that a 10 - year - old didn 't . As odd as this sounds , the two of them really loved each other . She would never stay away from him or from you unless she was really gone . Dad and I had our problems but I could never let him think that the woman he adored didn 't love him enough to come home . . . Not even at Christmas . He was hurting too much already . I loved the old bastard you know . " Joan was full out crying now . After a few minutes of watching her tears and wondering if mine would ever come she began again , " He loved you … you know . He was so proud of you . Robby is going to MIT . Robby got his PHd in physics and chemistry . Robby 's inventions got patented . Robby came home and made an outboard engine in to a jet . Robby has gone to for the Rocket Propulsion lab to do something with magnetic induction and thrust amplification . I was proud too baby brother but you made my Masters of Nursing look like a ' I used the potty certificate ' at day care . " Joan unloaded her baggage and I think we both felt closer . " Sorry ! Its funny you know because all I ever heard was how well Joan was doing . Joan saves lives . Joan got a Masters in Nursing and now she is running a hospital . Its too bad he could tell both of us how proud he was of us to our faces . " They say the profound sadness becomes a dull ache in time , I wish I knew when . The memories of my Dad are everywhere . I can see and hear him as I look at the places he worked and lived . It 's not so much about the things he said since most of his conversations through my life were grunts of acknowledgment . " Can I give you a hand ? I 'd ask … " Uh huh " he 'd say and then motion with his hand what he wanted me to do . I 'd give anything to hear a simple grunt now . After a few days , I realised that life had to go on . The boats still needed fuel and fixing and a dead father seemed to be a meagre excuse for most of the people who relied on us for their amusement . I loved these people normally but their chronic insensitivity to my pain in the face of getting gas for their pleasure boats was pissing me off . The solution to my dilemma walked through the door of the marine office just as I was thinking I did not want to do this anymore . She was tall , statuesque and stunning with long flowing dark hair that had a gentle curl . The man in me fought desperately not to stare at the perfectly perky pair of boobs barely covered by a Canadian maple leaf patterned bikini top or the tiny blue jean shorts . She caught me looking and just offered a soft gentle laugh that let me know that she wasn 't upset or uptight . She told me a few days later that she expected to be looked at when she dressed like that . If she were a knight that outfit would be her armour . It made her feel powerful and probably hated by every female on the planet . Her voice was soft and relaxed as she said , " Hi Davis . " She acted like she knew me but for the life of me I couldn 't place her . But she seemed awfully familiar . " Mandy , " I interrupted finally making the connection . Jack was my Dad 's closest friend . He lived on an island in the lake with his second wife whose name I could never remember . He had been at the funeral but there was no way I would have missed Mandy , grieving or not . The last time I saw her she was 11 and she and her Mom were moving away to Perth . Seems Jack found a new model who couldn 't have been much older than Mandy who had to be 20ish by now . . . A classic mid life crisis gone wrong . Jack used to hang out here all the time but his new wife wouldn 't be caught dead in a grease pit like this . My Dad missed him no matter how much of a cad he thought he was , Jack was his best friend . " Yeah , I remember , " Mandy interrupted not wanting to relive the pain . " But I spend my summers with Jack and Lois , " The way she pronounced her stepmothers name and referred to her father as Jack pretty much told me that time had not healed every wound . " Anyway , I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was about Rod 's …… passing , " there was a long pause as she searched for the right word . It 's funny but this was the first time since the funeral that anyone had used my Dad 's name . It felt strange . Not only had my Dad died but a real person called Roderick Davis had died too . Mandy started again before the awkwardness could continue . " Anyhow , Jack wanted me to ask if you needed any help . I don 't know much about marine engines but I can catch a rope or pump the gas … well after you show me … and you don 't have to pay me , " Mandy added clearly hoping I would not agree to that last part . " I would love to have you working here . I can 't pay you a lot but I am sure we could work something out . " I said truly hoping to just toss the whole damn Marina in her lap and walk away . Mandy seemed like fun , a bit wild and so full of life , she would be a welcome change from the environment of death we had going on for the last 12 weeks or so . I took her to meet Joan even though Joan really didn 't have a say in the matter . She was family and I felt obligated to include her in things . Joan took one look at her and said out loud , " Holy crap she 's gorgeous . " Then she said in my ear , " If you don 't sleep with her , I will . " I knew she was mostly joking but I thought I better spoil the party before I found out for sure . Mandy was a bit confused but smiled happily anyway . Mandy , Joan and I sat down at the kitchen table with Joan still salivating despite the fact Mandy was the daughter of our Dad 's best friend . She was young enough to be Joan 's daughter and I realised that ' damn it she was young enough to be my daughter too ' . Of course , she was just a year or two younger than Larsen . I felt like slapping myself silly for even thinking it . Mandy caught me leering again and again she laughed when I tried to look away . Admittedly compared to Joan I was respectful . Finally , I just called Joan 's name , " Well actually I was enjoying hearing how pretty I am , but if you want to make this all business … . " Mandy said laughing . Joan laughed too much and I just let my eyes do the laughing for me . " Well I am not sure how early you can get here but we won 't open the shop until then . Then if you could take care of the cash , manning the pumps which I will show you in a minute and then just keep an eye on the boats making sure they get moored ok … that kind of thing . " I rattled off her duties as quickly as I could because I kept getting rattled myself looking into those dark blue eyes . She was a friend 's daughter and I was still filled with complicated emotions about Larsen not to mention she was now an employee but I could not help finding her attractive . All three of us burst out laughing . It was something Joan and I had not done for a few days . Mandy 's shock humour was just enough to send us into hysterics and we all laughed too long and too hard . Finally , Joan said , " There is no doubt about it the Marina is in good hands , this girl is hilarious . " Despite Joan 's initial attraction , now she just genuinely liked the girl . Despite my attraction , I felt the same way . " Now there is something you don 't hear girls say that often . " And we both laughed again . It was going to be a fun summer . Mandy was nice to look at and had a warped sense of humour . The only way to ruin the fun would be for us to get involved so I resolved at that moment it would never happen . Mandy arrived promptly the next morning wearing a ' hot girls are people too ' purple tee shirt and a micro mini that I wasn 't sure was covering anything . One thing for sure she was great for business . I had never seen a larger collection of middle aged letches and penis head teenage boys in my life . One of them bought a can of oil and I don 't think he even had a boat . She learned quickly … I even heard her exclaim to a couple of boys , " If you 're not buying anything you 'll have to leave . " I was finally free to work on the engines . There is some satisfaction in taking a broken engine and making it work again . Over in the corner there was a 50 - year - old Evinrude sitting in a test tank that I worked on whenever I had nothing else to do . A boy named Tim had brought it in to me after he found it in his grandfather 's garage . It was on an old wooden boat that had more dry rot than wood left . The boy was lucky to be alive because he rowed that boat about a mile before it literally sank in my dock . I got the crane on the motor just in time . As I was working on the motor and tearing it down I started thinking about progressive compression chambers like a jet or a turbine and I started thinking about using many fuels instead of one . One to power the initial compression reaction for a further compression of something inert that became volatile when compressed . I had done it . I had solved the problem that the scientists in the propulsion lab had failed to . You could hyper compress the fuel use its decompression to fuel the next reaction and so on down the line until the two most volatile fuels mixed to create a cataclysmic reaction . I wanted to call Larsen and tell her but she had chosen to use my designs as engines of death . The only thing I could do was build one myself . If it worked in water with the chemicals I could easily get like hydrogen , nitrogen and oxygen , it could work with more sophisticated chemicals . I would build my super engine later ; right now , I had an internal combustion engine to take care of . It had a cracked cylinder head which had scored up the cylinder pretty badly but it was fixable . That kid hadn 't been back since the day he almost drowned . Yet another parts delivery I would probably never get paid for . I could see why Dad was always such a stickler for half down when he did a major repair … at least his costs were covered . The words hit me by surprise . I guess I shouldn 't be surprised that someone that pretty had a boyfriend but this Tim kid was well young … probably her age as I thought about it . Now I was having second thoughts about fronting the kid the parts to fix the engine . He probably couldn 't get his hands on a boat to go with it anyway . The little schmuck who gets to touch that face , kiss those lips , run his hands through that hair and … . . " What ? No … well a little skin can make a man feel as guilty as sin . " Mandy laughed at her quote from god knows where . " Anyway , for some reason I feel like I have to explain about Tim and me . " She offered but I tried to stop her before she finished . " No , no not at all . I guess I assumed you didn 't have a boyfriend but I never asked and it really is none of my business . I mean god knows you are pretty enough but I guess I thought . . well none of these kids would be good enough for you , " I felt like I had turned three shades of purple and just kept digging myself in deeper . " Tim lost his father a while ago and now his grandfather . He looks like he is about 14 but actually he is 18 and lives with his sister and her husband in their grandfather 's old house . I call him my boyfriend ' cus we hang out a lot and it helps get rid of some of the boys . But I am older than him and he knows that so it 's really platonic , though there are times when I am sure he would like more than that . Then again there are other times when I am not sure he is in to girls … . He has a huge G . I . Joe collection and he notices shoes … what 's that tell ya ? " She laughed to my relief because I was laughing too . " Oh , poor girl ! I was in love with someone who was gay too . But since she and I were both gay that made it a lot easier . " Joan was teasing but still flirting rather sadly with the girl who was 25 years her junior . " What you need to do , " Joan continued " is have an affair with a mature woman . That will pay the boy back for his preferring the sausage . " " It 's not like that , " Mandy protested . " Tim isn 't really my boyfriend and I don 't know that he is gay . From the way he looks at me I would say that he isn 't but he does play with dolls and is aware of shoes … " " See , despite the fact my brother would blow a man to measure the scientific reaction , I know he is not gay . Only women , gay men and shoe makers actually notice shoes . " Joan continued until we all were laughing hard . " Yes , you would and then you 'd get someone else to blow him to see if the law of diminishing returns holds true in a sexual vane or not . " Joan 's comment was probably true . For science , I would probably do almost anything . Not sure if I would go that far or not but I had done some unusual things to measure a scientific truth . " Don 't be . I guess I would be more worried if you did know what shoes I was wearing . I had you pegged as straight and I would have had serious gay - dar issues if you turned out to be gay , " Mandy said still half teasing . I hadn 't even fired up the engine of the cruiser since before Dad died . I had come in and turned the blowers on and run the bilge pump for a while but I didn 't start it . The Sacred Heart as Dad named her was built by an Ontario firm called Grew . She was a 26 - foot mahogany lapstreak wooden boat built in the 70s with a small forward vee cabin and a fold away galley table . As kids , we went on all kinds of trips on her but after Mom disappeared it was only occasionally . Dad loved the boat ; spending every winter re - conditioning the hull and making her sound for the water . It was the first engine I ever worked on . The original engine was a 350 Chevy that I had developing over 500 horsepower with a new inboard - outboard using a variable pitch and through the hub exhaust propeller . My Dad was very proud of the modifications . Especially proud when his cabin cruiser was blasting past ski boats half its size . As we gathered up the stuff we need for the trip , I reflected on how far Joan and I had come . We hadn 't stayed in touch over the years . She had resentments and so did I but we overcame them all and here we are today as close as any two siblings can be . My sister was talented . She kept my Dad strong right up till the end . It was her strength that allowed him to keep his dignity and not haemorrhage to death . She was the one who made most of the arrangements while keeping me going at the same time . I was proud of my big sister . I had only just found out she was a lesbian and the story of her life was really quite sad . But she knew me and knew I was afraid of the love that was developing between me and Larsen more than I was angry at Larsen 's betrayal . She helped me see that I was changed and quite a bit more receptive to what the future might hold . The engine fired up right away like the heart of my father living inside of it . I looked around the small marina with its blue painted wooden floating docs , the boathouse in the back where we kept the speed boat , the white and grey marine office where people signed in for overnight docking and bought their supplies ; the two big pumps , one with diesel and the other with pure gas and several gas oil mixtures that hardly anyone ever used anymore ; the trees that lined the back so you couldn 't even see the parking lot behind them and behind the boathouse was my house where Joan and I grew up . I never realised how much I really loved this place . Joan was right I was just hiding out but now I really felt like I was home . With Mandy running the marina and me fixing boats and able to experiment and play , I can 't imagine any other place in the world I would rather be . Joan could come back on the weekends and spend some time here and I would keep the place running . Sure , there was no trip to Mars , but there was a life and a strange feeling of contentment came over me . For the first time since my mom disappeared , I felt like I belonged somewhere , right here at home . I untied the boat from the doc cleats and threw the rope on top of the deck . I thought the lone turquoise border strake that connected the deck to the hull looked a bit dingy and could use a coat of paint . Dad would have been pissed that I let this go so much . While the boat just floated , I took down the musty smelling tarp and opened the back deck to the sky . I revved the engine once and then popped it in reverse for a second then let it coast back . The Sacred Heart floated back quietly . I put the cruiser in drive and steered her toward the refuelling doc . Mandy and her sexy short dress were waiting for me and I tried to divert my eyes as she fuelled the tank . In this day and age , it is unthinkable to even admire beauty . But since the boat needed gas it would have to be this way … for now ! Things like regular hours and opening and closing times had never been part of the regimen of the marina . So , it was no issue for Mandy to join Joan and I to just leave . As the waves pounded gently on the old wooden hull , the boat planed perfectly past the many rich man islands as we traversed the lake . We pulled up to an old government dock that had seen better days and moored there and we walked the old road into the town of Perth . We found a nice - looking restaurant and as we walked in past the nautical décor on the walls and waited until each man had a chance to rape Mandy at least once with their eyes before we sat down at a table for 4 . " Before you get too drunk , I just wanted to tell you that it 's time for me to go back to Ottawa . " Joan said without a hint of smile . " Now that you have Mandy to run the shop and we 've had time to grieve . I think its time to get back to reality . " " No , it 's not that I want to leave . In fact , I 've really enjoyed this time with my baby brother … getting a chance to re - connect with you has been one of the best times of my life … in spite of why it happened . But I need to be a nurse , to save lives , to feel useful . I need to be me again . " Joan said it like she was asking for permission . " Well that 's just it . We have reconnected and I will not stay away this time . I will be back as often as time permits and who knows I might even learn to pump gas or something . We are not going to lose what it took losing our father to get . I will be part of your life and nothing you can do will stop me . " Joan reassured . The hours sailed by and after a fill of Lobster flown from Moncton to Ottawa and picked up by the restaurant in Perth that very day … . I made mine dance and used the claws for castanets … yeah I was hammered … it was awesome . The three of us had a blast and we somehow staggered our way back to the boat . I passed out on the transom bed and the girls went down below deck and if I am not mistaken , spent the night getting off with each other . They must have been in better shape than I was because all I could think of was how the boat was going side to side and I was spinning . At one point , I covered myself with the musty smelling tarp as I had donated enough blood to the save - the - mosquito foundation . In the morning , I untied the boat and headed back home . It felt odd like this might be the last time . I didn 't know how or why but I had a sense of impending doom and I could not really explain it other than an odd turn in the grieving process . Despite Mandy 's pleas for Joan to stay just a bit longer . Joan left later that afternoon . I wasn 't sure if it was just that the kid had never had anyone love her and leave her but she seemed really insistent until Joan was finally really short with her . Mandy said , " If you leave now you will never see me or your brother again ! " Joan just smiled and grabbed Mandy into a hug and said , " Trust me you 'll get over it . " And at that she packed her last suitcase into her car and drove away .
|
What the world looks at as broken and discards , the Lord sees worth and beauty . He LOVES them period . When was the last time you picked up the broken and looked for the beauty that lies beneath and loved them for who they are ? Over the years of serving those without homes , I have learned that there are unspoken rules for those who have and for those who have not . After I picked my son up from roller derby practice Monday night , I saw another example of that . It was late and we had not had dinner and decided to stop and grab a burger on the way home . I stopped at one of local burger chains and as we went inside , there were two gentlemen who had came in as well . Both older , clean and well dressed , the only difference you could see between the two was the fact that one was carrying a backpack . The one with the backpack sat in a back corner , in a spot were no one could see him except those entering or leaving from side door . The other sat in the middle of the place in full view of anyone coming or going . The one in the back corner began playing a game of solitary and the other asked for a glass of water and sat to read the paper . As we waited for our order , I had noticed that I knew the man in the back corner from the park and I waved and got ready to go over and talk to him . As I started over the manager of the place came out from behind the counter and started to speak to him , so I decided I would wait until she was done talking to him . My son stood with me talking to me about practice , but I kept my ear tuned to the conversation in the corner . As the conversation in the corner started to heat up , I found myself slowly inching closer to hear , my son sat down and just shook his head . I asked him " What ? " He just laughed and said " We are going to be here for awhile . " Okay so by now my son knows me well enough that I can 't walk away in a situation like that . As the manager left I walked over to ask what the problem was and what was going on . Our park guy said he came in to wait for his wife to get off work . Let me give you a little back ground on our park guy . He has lost his job and has not been able to find work . His wonderful wife has been able to find work , part time at a radio station just down the street from the burger joint . Because of only part time work , the only place they have to stay is in the camper they have . Neither is on drugs or drinks . Very wonderful people who only are trying to make it in this world . Back to the manager , she had stated to him that he would have to leave , they there was a policy that stated that you could only stay in the place for thirty minutes , unless you were a paying customer . He explained that he was only waiting for his wife to get off work and would not be there long . She didn 't care and wanted him out . If he didn 't leave she was going to call the police . Now besides my son , myself , the other older gentleman reading the paper , the only other person in the place was our park friend . I asked the manager " If this gentlman has to leave , then why is the other not asked to leave as well ? " " That 's different , he comes often and is not bothering any of the costumers . " She stated . I asked her " what costumers are being bothered by our friend sitting in the corner , there is no one in here . " " It 's just different for him " she stated . " So let me get this right . Our friend can 't stay because he is not a paying costumer and the other can stay because he asked for a glass of water that he didn 't pay for ? " Once again she didn 't have a strait answer and could not show anywhere that it was posted . I asked how someone was to know that policy just walking in off the street , still no answer . She then stated that he needed to get out and promptly walked off . So I promptly walked over to our friend reached in my purse and pulled a five - dollar bill . Are you hungry or thirsty I asked him ? No , I just wanted to wait for my wife ; she will be off work soon . I said go buy something to drink , even if you don 't drink it and sit back down , you will then be a paying customer and they won 't have any reason to ask you to leave . He smiled , took the bill and walked to the counter . The same lady looked at him and refused to take his order , so my son and I stood with him until someone waited on him . Finally someone took his drink order and we all sat and chatted for a while . My son and I had to leave , but as we were leaving our park friend handed me back the change from the drink . I told him to please hold onto it and if she came back to make him leave again , go over and buy something else and you just keep doing that until your wife gets off work . We laughed , hugged and left , telling our friend that we would see him soon . Now before anyone gets upset , I do know that restaurants can 't just let people come in and hangout . They are there to make money . My point to all this is we have two different people doing the same thing . Coming in to a place that is pretty much empty , neither buying anything and both minding their own business in different parts of the restaurant . One who did not buy anything , but has been in from time to time is allowed to stay . The other because he is homeless was asked to leave . She stated he was bothering customers ( the only customers were us and he was not bothering us ) and who was she to determine who was worthy enough to sit and stay inside ? Once again the unspoken rules for those who have and those who have not , for those who are accepted by society and those who have been rejected . When will we be begin to look at others and see the worth and beauty they have inside of them and not determine a persons value based on their appearance or what processions they may have ? Today was a great day in the park . There were only three of us to serve , Kathryn and James were there to help , and others had things to do today . I was a head of schedule before going down and I should have known things never go that well . Every time I think I am a head of getting things done , something throws me off course . I got to the park and sure enough , I grabbed the wrong totes , and so no plates , ladle or anything else I needed to serve . Hey at least I remembered the tables ( yes , I forgot them once and had to serve out of the back of the truck ) . We did have the bowls for the soup and we made makeshift plates , used a cup to scoop soup and so forth . The guys laughed and said it was like camping . Right before we served one of the guys came up and out of a hat dumped some change on the table ; this is for you he said . We all decided to take up what we had to give back for what you all do here , it is the end of the month and this is all we had , but wanted you to have it . We love you guys and we just want to show you how much we appreciate you all he said . What really was a shock was the person whom it came from . This man we met last year . A loner , would come and eat , not look you in the eyes and barely say anything . Would always take his plate and take off away from us . Each week we would just keep loving on him when he came thru the line and over time he would start to warm up to us . If you saw him then and now you would not have believed he was the same person . He is one of the first there to greet us now , always ready to engage in conversation and today for the first time I heard him very softly say " I love you . " So there on the table laid a little over four dollars , but in my mind it was a million . They dug deep in their pockets and gave all that they had to show how much we mean to them . They gave with love from their hearts , not asking for anything in return … they gave out of love for another . An example we can learn from . I walk away from the park today thinking of my friends there and think about whPosted by What a beautiful day in the park . The sun shinned brightly on the park today . Secretly wishing we could have days like this every Sunday , but was reminded by many of our friends of the cold that was going to be upon us soon . Wonderful people to share the day with , not just our friends in the park , but all that showed up to help serve and those who brought food . Thanks to all of you that help . Was good to see an old friend return , her kind and loving heart was missed and also missed those who could not be with us this weekend . All of you bring so much more to the park than words can say . My son and I had stayed for a little while today , just wanted to sit and hang out with everyone in the park . One of the guys came up to me , he has been coming down for a long time and he said he had something for me . He pulled out of his pocket a metal angel on a chain . He said that he had traded something for it and as he was sitting at the picnic table with the others , they all decided that I should have it . He said that he heard I like crosses and angels and that I like to hang them on my wall at home . I told him that was correct . Would you please take this one and hang it on your wall he asked . I would love to hang it on the wall , I told him and every time I see it I will be reminded of you . As the two of us stood talking , I started to think of his gift to me . He traded something for it . Our friends ' possessions are few and what they do have , they hang onto dearly . He could have traded it for something he could use or needed , but instead he gave it with a generous loving heart , knowing it would bring joy . He gave out of love and that is what makes this gift so precious . I then asked him if I could hang it on my rearview mirror instead of the wall of my house . I told him that at home I would see from time to time on the wall , but in my truck I would be reminded of him and the others everyday as I traveled about doing things . He thought that was a great idea . James , my son , carefully put the angel on the mirror ; we talked with the gentleman a little longer and headed home . On my rearview mirror I have had a cross that was made by a biker many years ago and as we started down the road the angel would clang against that cross . I wasn 't a loud clang , but a soft gentle sound . Not distracting , but a reminder of " I am here " . I started to think of the angel , our friends in the park and those who come to serve . Are some angels in disguise ? I don 't know . I do know that when I step back on days like today , watch and listen to all around me , I see the beauty of my Creator , the giving heart of my heavenly Father and love that was so poured out to us thru his Son . Each week I look into faces of all who show up , no matter which side of the table they are on and I am humbled and honored to be there with them . So my little clanging angel will stay on my rearview mirror . A reminder of all those angels I encounter each Sunday . A reminder of all the love that is poured out from both sides of the table . Pastor Rick and his wife April have been coming to the park now for awhile . He has written many things on the park and I would like to share them with you . Below is a link to his latest blog . . . take a moment to read it . Be blessed and remember your loved . Peace has not been apart of my week this week . I will save you the details , but it seems like one thing after another has come at me and after arriving at the park today , I was drained . While serving our friends I was questioning , " What are we doing here and do we make a difference ? " We got most of the people through the line and then I needed to step back . I stood by myself for a few and looked around at the large crowd of people gathered . I saw people I had never seen before , kids playing , and groups of people laughing and enjoying the warm sunny day . Inside I was begging God , " please speak to me … show and tell me what you what me to see . " " Look at them all " he says to me . " These are my beloved children , who I love very much and I have entrusted them to all of you . " But are we making a difference in their lives ? " You all bring peace to their weary souls and show love to broken hearts and the greatest gift you can give someone is love . " But are we really I stood wondering . Then a man I had never met before approached me and introduced himself as Robert . He said he never comes down to the park , because of all the fighting that goes on , but wanted to get something to eat . He said that right before we pulled up , he was just getting on his bike to head out because he couldn 't take the arguing and fighting that was going on . He then tells me that as soon as we pulled up , no one said anything but something happened . He said a calm came over everyone and a sense of peace came over the park . Look at them all now , he says , they are all laughing , joking and getting along . It wasn 't like that before you all showed up . Then he goes on to tell me that a friend gave him a gift . He reaches in his pack and pulls out a peace sign and tells me his friend told him he would find peace today . He asked if I painted and I replied that I did . Giving me his peace sign he asked if I wouldn 't paint it for him , it would be my honor I told him . Then looking me straight in the eyes , he says " The peace of God is a powerful thing and you all carry his peace with you . " I stood there floored as he continued to talk , but all I could hear was this man 's words and God 's from earlier ringing in my ears . Who was this man ? Ever hear the phrase " entertaining angels ? " Funny how God can use an old scruffy man who has had a few drinks that day to speak volumes to you and remind you that his peace is ever present and he is in control . In the mid - section of her ordinary life , my friend Denie , whom I 've known since before we were old enough to vote , felt what she described as a call of God to minister to the homeless . She wasn 't sure what that meant for her life , but she was full of faith and unction that she had received a bonafide assignment from the Holy Spirit . She began volunteering at the city shelter . but within six months she realized that it wasn 't working out . " I don 't mean to sound like what they 're doing isn 't good , because it is , but it doesn 't feel personal to me . These poor people come in day in and day out and they just push them along like cattle . I can 't do that . " And so , she was back to square one . If the Almighty had given her marching orders to demonstrate His love and compassion towards the homeless - and she wholeheartedly believed he had - then she felt certain that there must be a better way . On an ordinary Saturday , full of the same faith and unction that got her up and out the door to volunteer at the shelter , Denie and her trusty blue truck , headed to another place she knew she 'd find the city 's homeless : The Park . With a bag of bologna and cheese sandwiches and bottles of water , she slowly made her way around the shady grassed areas where men and women lounged from the summer heat . " You hungry ? " she 'd ask with an almost nonchalant detached tone in her voice . This was her way of going in low , gentle attempts at connecting to the most invisible citizens of Boise , Idaho . Week after week she kept this up . About this time my good friend Ken Loyd was headed to Boise for an event . Ken launched a church for homeless people in Portland , Oregon , a mere seven - hour drive from Boise and where my family and I make our home . I told Denie about Ken , how he was the same as her . " He 's been going downtown for years , " I said , " handing out socks , food and lots of conversation . He 's the guy you wanna talk to . " Then , I told Ken about Denie . " You gotta meet her Ken . You guys are the same . " The two did meet and though they both are on the quiet side , Denie tells me they managed to have a meaningful conversation , one that helped her find her way as a rookie on the frontlines of street ministry from Ken , the older , wiser veteran . After Ken got back from Boise I asked him about his impression of Denie and what she was doing in the park . " In all the years of people I have talked to , not many get what I 'm about . But Denie gets it . She 's like me and I think she 'll be fine . " What they share in common in ethos and practice is a determination to meet people right where they are in the gritty sub - culture of American homelessness . One starting point was the word homeless … neither Ken nor Denie liked to use it . " Homeless means loser in our society . It means you 've failed . But I don 't see failures . I see friends . These are my friends who live outside and I love them and they love me , " says Ken who at sixty - plus in years with his snow - white spiky hair and tattoos scattered on both arms looks more like a pirate than a minister . " I do nothing special by just paying attention and listening . " My friend Denie said the same kind of things . She was already forming this ministry approach when I connected her to Ken who affirmed her . " He told me to go slow , to start off by just sitting and watching and hanging out in the park since I 'm the one coming into their home , " she said . So Denie kept it up , mostly by herself . She 'd bring a few sandwiches each Saturday and just hang out in the park . Every week . Every Saturday . While other women grocery shopped and gardened , Denie hung out with street sleepers . Weeks turned into months and before long The Park Guys , as she liked to call them , were rushing up to help her unload her truck . The guys had names and histories and Denie knew all their stories . Her consistency in coming to the park each week meant that word had spread through Boise 's homeless network . More people were showing up each week . Within a year a hundred people or more were being served by Denie 's homespun cooking who had graduated from sandwiches to hot meals like soup and pasta . With this kind of success , if you can call it that , she also attracted attention from cowboy types who were gunning to get their preach on . " That 's not how we do it down here , " she 'd tell each newbie who was itching to have an audience . " Talk to people one on one . Get to know them . Ask them questions . Listen . But no preaching . " Denie had learned , like Ken , that most people who live outside can smell a bait and switch game a mile away . When Christians show up willing to give away food or other goods , but have an agenda to convert the hell - bound sinner , those who live outside pick up this scent of disingenuous conversation as you and I do when the telemarketer 's voice purrs over the line , " I just need a moment of your time . " One young graduate of seminary somehow caught wind of Denie and began showing up at the park . She was open to his help , but nervous about how gung - ho he acted . He was lacking humility , she decided , but she figured he 'd catch on soon enough and be alright . Unfortunately he soon thought of the park as his ministry and Denie as a womanly helper who had opened the door for him . She set the record straight quick . He never came back . A couple of summers ago I was in Boise with my good friend Vivian and together we helped Denie and the small team of people who had made spaghetti and meatballs for the park people . Denie walked around , checking in on everybody , saying hey to regulars and introducing herself to newcomers . The Idaho sky blazed blue from above as people feasted on food and laughter . It felt like a family picnic . A couple of weeks ago my church helped out with a meal for HOMEpdx . We met outside under the Hawthorne Bridge where the church meets each week to share friendship , food and humanity with those who live outside . I met one older man who 's a Viet Nam vet , a kind but at times scattered soul who loves to create origami art for friends . One moment he was talking about getting more paper for art , the next he was suddenly telling me about the guys who died in his unit in the Viet Nam war . I let him ramble . Then I preached the love of Jesus to him the way Denie and Ken showed me how to : I just listened as he told his story . I got an email from Ken today . I told him I was writing an article about him and Denie that emphasized his guiding wisdom being a beacon for my friend when she first started to venture to the park in her early days . Ken quickly dismantled this idea . " Denie has shown me about sticking to the task of love in the face of trial and sorrow . She has demonstrated a quiet authority while bowing low . I 'm trying to copy that . I think I 've learned more from her than from anyone else in the " biz " . " These two undoubtedly share a mutual admiration for one another as there are not many urban missionaries who have blazed the kind of trail which they have . A few years ago I would not have accepted what Ken and Denie do as legitimate gospel - centered ministry . I would have wanted to know why they don 't preach a clear cut appeal for people to get saved ; it would have bothered me that there is too much camaraderie and not nearly enough discipleship . I would have asked , ' Where 's the fruit ? " In doing so , I would have missed the point that if God hangs out with the broken hearted and the poor like the Holy Scriptures say , then Ken and Denie are following in their Father 's footsteps . Denie still gets challenged from time to time by those who feel that she 's not doing enough ( imagine ! ) . She hangs on , though , to the heart of her mission which has always been to find and love the forgotten castaways . She comforts herself that even if others don 't recognize the worth of what she 's doing , there 's a pirate in Portland who does . " Ken is the person who came along side and understood that by just loving and accepting our friends ' right where they were was the greatest example of God 's love we could show anyone . " Today as we were serving up our meal , a young family come thru the line . They were down visiting some of our friends who live outside and came to share a meal with them . As the husband came through the line he asked " who do I pay ? " I almost wanting to laugh I told him we don 't charge for the meal , all are welcome to the table and all are welcome to eat . He then said you don 't understand . . . . how do you pay for this ? Well we take donations to provide the meal , I responded . He then without hesitation leans across the table and hands me a few rolled up dollars . I told him I can 't take your money , but he insisted I take it . I almost broke down and cried right then . If you looked at this family , they didn 't look like they had much as it is . I didn 't know if I was taking this man 's last dollars or what and I sure as heck didn 't want to take it from his family . Then you hear that small gentle voice speak to you and over the years I have learned to yield to that voice and instead of arguing to simple say " Yes Lord as you wish . " " He is trying to bless you all with a gift of all he has and in doing so he in turn will be blessed " . . . . . the gentle voice said . I took his gift , smiled and said thanks . I don 't know what kind or how big of a blessing is coming this man 's way , but I feel the Lord has his back and he will be taking care of him and his family . I know he blessed us today with his beautiful gift and what made it even more special was that it was give straight from the heart , no hesitation or second thought just a willingness to give and help . It was a rainy Sunday afternoon as we pulled up around 4 : 30 to help a good friend in ministry to feed the homeless here in Boise . There was no fan fare . There was no recognition on the News as a local hero . There was just a willingness to help an unnoticed ministry feed and minister to some of the many homeless found here in Boise . There are many places to volunteer in Boise and other parts of the country . April and I choose to look for those unsung hero 's to help and lift up their spirits . You know the ones , they don 't do it for the money or recognition . They do it out of love . Mosaic ministries is one of those types of ministries . Denie has been in the streets for many years . She goes where all the other folks won 't go . She loves and holds dear the ones that many are even scared to talk to . A finer example of God 's love I have only seen on rare occasions . I saw on the news that evening a tribute to one of the valley 's largest churches . They feed on average the report said 200 or so people every Sunday . They have 150 volunteers to support the feed the homeless program . Mosaic ministries does 100 - 200 with 4 people that prepare the food and serve while they minister with a personal touch to many of them that go through the line . Their resources come from outside donation and personal sacrifice . Little is made much when God 's hand is in it and he has such willing hearts to work with . That time spent with each one didn 't get ignored with the weather or the state each one coming through the line was in . Each where treated as family and with respect to welcome and listen to them . The stories were heart breaking and awakening at the same time . I admit in one afternoon I learned more about the human condition and strength than I could have in years of schooling and theory . I watched God work through a woman that taught me more about loving others than I thought I still had yet to learn . It was an honor to help and be in service to her and to the beautiful souls she is there to care for . It made me so much more aware of the work left to be done by those of us that can do it . Lives are given hope when they know that someone really cares . Many workers are needed but few will make the sacrifice to serve and give up so much to take care of those in need . I found out another secret though . Life in service to others has it own rewards and challenges . Denie is one of those special Holy Spirit / Mother Teresa kind of people that we rarely get to know in our lives . April and I will be back to help her again and again . I don 't believe we have to leave the country to touch the hearts and souls of those in need . If we look a little closer they are right here in our back yard . If you are called to serve , be called to support and pray for those that are . Remember God calls us all to our own action to help . For some it will be by donations of time and effort and others by the ability to supply resources . There is more than any one person can do , listen to your own song and see what God calls you to do . For when each of us sings in tune the world is changed one life at a time . I know for certain that a life was saved by love in that crowd yesterday and many where given another day of hope even under the dark grey skies and the pouring rain that was soon to come . It was suppose to be a cold wet rainy Easter Sunday , but God smiled on us today and gave us a beautiful day in the park . Many of our regular street friends and many new faces showed up to share a meal with us . As much as I love hanging out with all that show up , there are the times when the crowd leaves and a handful remain and you get the chance to sit one on one with someone and really get to know that person . The end of our day was one of those times . If you passed him on the streets or saw him in the park , many would at first glance say " Oh , just another homeless drunk guy . " Yes , he had been drinking but when he began to tell me a little of his story , his mind was clear and passion flowed from his heart . He spoke of a beautiful woman he fell in love with as a young man . Head over heals for her and how nervous he was to ask her to marry him . After they married he said she wanted to spend their honey moon in the Holy Land , so he made sure that is were they went and he talked of the amazing time they had there . They started a family and life was going good for them . He worked as an EMT as well as going to seminary school . He dreamed of becoming a preacher and his wife started a street outreach in Portland . She was helping women who were prostituting themselves get off the streets . Life couldn 't have been better he said . Then one morning as he was on his way to school with his family in the car a truck hit them . The only person who was injured was his wife and as she lay dying , he frantically tried to save her . She never made it and his world came crashing down . The love of his life was gone and his heart forever broken . His life spiraled downward , his hopes and dreams were shattered and he turned his back on the God he once loved . Years of torment over not being able to save his wife and hatred toward God brought him to the life he now lives , wandering the streets and drinking to kill the pain of a love lost . You see the pain in his eyes when he speaks of her and you see it in each tear that flows down his face . Then he begins to smile and he tells me , but I no longer hate God for taking her . He then pulls his shirt to the side and shows me a tattoo . He tells me , you see Jesus is first in my life now ; I have him tattooed over my heart because he comes first in my heart . He says he asks God to forgive him for drinking , but he has come to a point were he can 't seem to stop without help . His drinking has brought on liver failer , but he tells me this with no regrets or fear in his voice , yet instead with a smile in on his face . I ask if I can pray for him and he say sure , but tells me he is okay with it because he can 't wait to see Jesus and his love again . There is much more to this man than what you see from the outside , if you only will take a moment to see past what the world sees . Each of us a road we must walk , a journey that is each our own . Each step on that journey makes up whom we are . Some have someone to hold their hands or help them when they stubble and others may not . No matter what , our journey has brought us to where we are today . The questions is can we take the time out of our own journey and stray of the road in front of us to maybe help up and hold the hand of a fellow traveler who has stumbled and fallen . Taking the time to understand their journey and maybe showing them a new road to take or better yet , maybe even sharing the journey and traveling the road together , helping each other along the way . So I am on my way home from work last week and as I come to an intersection by one of our local parks , I see a fire truck and two police cars parked along side the park . Lights flashing and since it is five o ' clock traffic I assume it is a car accident . Because of the traffic I had to sit thru a couple of red lights before making it thru the intersection , but as I sat in traffic I was looking to see what was going on with the fire truck and police . There was no car accident , but instead I had noticed a man lying in the park with three firemen and two police officers standing around him . It only took a minute to recognize the man lying in the grass , he was one from the park and I know him well . This particular man has a special place in my heart . I first panicked because he was not moving and thought the worst . He has an addiction to alcohol and I prayed that we had not lost another to this addiction . Then sitting in my car three lanes over from the park and no way of getting to my friend , I saw what just stunned me . No one bent over to see if he was okay , no one offered a helping hand , but instead they kicked this man to see if he would move and yes he did move after that , I think anyone would have . He got to his feet and they placed him in the police car . The light turned green for me to go and I drove home with tears running down my face for my friend and furious over the lack of compassion that was given to him . If a man was standing the park kicking his dog , he would be hauled off for animal cruelty , why is it then okay to kick another human being for just laying down and sleeping it off in the park . Where has our compassion for people gone ? As you pass by you see the tattered clothes , the dirty face and the hollow eyes of what once was . As soon as our eyes meet , you quickly look away . Do you realize I long for you to see me for who I am and not what you have judged me to be ? Molested at the age of nine , but the molester said but " I love you . " Brought up by a parent who was an alcoholic , abusive not just physically but also mentally , but said , " I love you . " A spouse who beat me , but said " I love you . " The world said if you become this or do that and be the best we will " love you , " but they never did . I found myself on the streets at seventeen looking for that love that was so promised to me . I thought I could find it in random people on the streets , but did not . I thought I could find it in alcohol that I consumed , but did not . Nor did I find it in the hands full of drugs I had taken , but it did take away my pain . In return it has began to take my life from me . The world promised me love and rejected me . Now you pass by and judge me for what I have become when it is some of you who have made me what I am . So the next time you pass me by , don 't be so quick to judge as to why you see me wandering the streets . Maybe next time you will not look away and maybe just maybe even give me a kind smile that says " I see you for who you were created to be and I can love you right where your at . " … . Anonymous . Rachel came down today with a pretty little girly kids table for some of the kids to use when they come down for our Saturday dinner . We also got a donation of kids ' clothes and inside the box was a little ballerina outfit . One of our regular families who come to eat was there with their little girl Emma . Rachel setup the kid 's table and little Emma just glowed with delight . Little later I pulled out the ballerina outfit and she put it on and smiled from ear to ear . There sat two and a half year old Emma for hours in the middle of almost a hundred of our street friends , playing with her new doll , eating at a spot that was set aside just for her and dressed in clothes that made her feel like she was the most special person in the world . The streets can be a harsh place for any adult , but I can 't imagine what it is like for the kids and for a few hours today that life slipped away for her . I can 't put into words the joy this little girl felt today , but I can say " Thank You " so very much to those who help by donating to us and helping us with our efforts to serve our friends . Everything you do brings joy and a smile to those who have much less than we do and today you made a little girl feel like she was a Princess and the Bell of the ball . As Christmas day drew closer , my son and I had about decided to just throw in the towel as far as the holiday 's go . No matter where we went people were in a hurry , rude , angry and all you would hear is " I want " , " I want . " At one point as we sat down one evening he turned and asked , " Do you think anyone really remembers the reason we celebrate Christmas ? " I to began to wonder if the true meaning of Christmas was lost and forgotten . But as Christmas day was upon us , I found that there are many who still hold the true meaning of the day in their hearts and reflect it in their lives . Christmas fell on a Saturday this year , which is the day we serve our friends from the park . Instead of canceling the day we opened up the church for the better part of the day and decided to spend Christmas with our friends . They only asked for one thing for Christmas and that was to have a place to go and have someone to share it with . So with the help of so many wonderful people , we had a huge Christmas dinner , played bingo and Al showed movies with popcorn upstairs on the big screen . Our regular crew of people who help could not make it down that day , but we were so blessed by those who did . As we were headed to church Rick and April were already calling and asking what they could do , shortly after arriving some of our friends from the park , as well as Al and Pamela showed up to help , a wonderful family the Sigler 's came down , some of my son 's friends showed up and Jeannie who I met for the first time that day , came down to show her daughter what Christmas was all about . I stand back sometimes and just take things in . I wonder if people see what I see . There were so many people jumping in to make dinner , it was like having family all pile in the kitchen , laughing joking . One of our park friends got a lesson on how to make deviled eggs ( was funny ) . Laughed as my son and one of park guys made pudding and of course had to taste test which resulted with them having more on their face than in the bowl . At that moment there was no division , no them or us … just friends and family enjoying the day and each others company . As the day went on many people came and went , but as I watched many sat playing cards , reading the paper , playing bingo or were watching a movie . We even had one of the guys feel comfortable enough that after he ate , he was snoozing in the lobby chair … reminded me of a grandpa after eating a big meal . My son and I didn 't have our family to spend the day with , but as I looked around I realized these wonderful people are our friends and part of our family . I felt as though we were sitting in a big home and had invited friends and family over to celebrate . Then I was reminded that it was God 's house and these are his beloved children and what a way to share His gift of love , but to extend it to others . Extending the gift of Love to others is the one thing I will always remember about that day . Each and every person that came down gave up their Christmas day to spend it with our friends . Many spent most of the day with us and did so because they wanted to . They came not expecting anything and only came to give . They showed kindness and love in their smiles , they spoke words of love , showed love with a warm embrace and most of all gave of themselves for the sake of others . As I watched each and everyone of them , I saw the true meaning of Christmas lived out , I saw the gift of Love poured out to so many who may have been forgotten that day . Today some of our park friends were talking about what a wonderful Christmas day they had and what a wonderful group of people that came down to share it with them . In time they may not remember your names , but they will always remember the kindness and love you showed them . You gave of yourself and loved unconditionally … this is the biggest gift you could ever give . God gave his son out of love for us and in return you have extended that love to lives that were blessed that day . I want to thank everyone for all you did to make the day happen . I so wish that those who couldn 't be there could have shared the day with us . It is hard to put into words the wonderful things I saw and felt . Whether you were there or not everything you did blessed so many people and I pray that those blessings are returned to you many times over . Once again thank you for loving and sharing yourself with so many … you made so many happy that day and you reflected the true meaning of Christmas , that is the biggest gift you could have given anyone .
|
I 'm now on medical leave with yet another bout of severe depression . Almost one year ago to the date . Time flies when you 're having fun . Right . ( That was sarcasm ) . I 'm now no longer taking Cymbalta ( thank GOD ) , but have had a few set backs since my final dose . My doctor ( bless her ) put me on a new medication , which caused me to have serious allergic reactions ( swollen eyes , swollen eyelids , unable to breathe properly ) and they did NOTHING to improve my quickly dwindling mental well being . I saw her this past week and she took me off of those and has put me back on a medication that I used to take , but went off of it because of the ' flat lining ' effect that I get with all anti depressants when I 've been on them for a long time . Usually when I go through a bout of depression , I 'm basically just sad and very lethargic . I work with my counsellor ( s ) and talk things out and the meds start to kick in and I 'm back to the land of the living again . However , this time , things are much , MUCH different . I woke up this morning feeling pretty good . I had planned to run a few errands ( I 've been away from work since last Thursday and haven 't been out ) . I had a coffee , watched the news … the usual . Then I weighed myself . And somehow , even after kicking my wine habit ( 25 days ! ) , eating healthy ( for the most part ) and even exercising ( I 'm trying to swim every couple of days ) I 've gained 10 lbs . The highest weight I 've ever been and it puts me in that ' OMG , YOU ARE TOO FAT TO LIVE , SO JUST GIVE UP NOW ' category ( apologies to those of you who find this offensive ; it 's about me , not you ) . Then an all consuming anger took over me . I screamed and picked that fucking scale up over my head and SMASHED it onto my floor ( which now bears a bunch of scratches ) . I saw red . I started to cry uncontrollable , heaving sobs that were filled with deep , soul destroying feelings and I could barely catch my breath . In order not to throw the scale ( and myself ) over the balcony , I paced around my apartment until I could breathe properly . Then the condemnation came from inside of myself . " You are disgusting . " " You are a waste of space . " " You are so fat and disgusting , you shouldn 't be allowed to live . " " You will never be loved . " I sat for a few moments and tried to compose myself and in about 15 minutes , it was gone and I was completely exhausted . I felt nothing . I didn 't feel sad , mad , manic , angry - nada . Something inside of me switched off . I showered , went out and did some errands , all the while , completely numb . Some guy cut me off in traffic and I barely flinched . One of the clerks in the store said hello and asked me how I was and I mumbled ' fine ' and walked away , when normally I would engage in conversation with her because she is such a lovely person . I got home and put my things away and sat down and had lunch . Then my sister called and by the time we were finished talking , I was once again feeling madangrysadpissedoffweepyfullofragecryinglikeababyfuckyou ! ihatemyselfihateyouihateeveryone and had to hang up before our conversation was finished because I couldn 't speak . She was only trying to help ; I didn 't want it . I 'm very grateful for the love and support from my friends and family and I 'm not writing this as an ' OH , WOE IS ME ! - YOU MUST PITY ME ! ' because I 'm not . Many people have asked ' what 's wrong ? ' and ' what can I do to help ? ' So , I hope this explains a bit of what 's been going on . Depression is a bitch . It steals your personality , your soul and leaves you feeling worthless and unlovable . It is debilitating , exhausting and will beat you into submission until you can 't fight any more . It wants to lay you flat out until you believe that you are useless and there is no sense going on . However , I know - that deep down inside , my soul is fighting to see the good things again . It wants to enjoy life . It wants to live , love and laugh again ! It 's in there , but it 's buried deep … it 's like a storage closet - all the precious and breakable things are at the back , safely wrapped and protected , but you can 't get at them unless you pull out all of the shit that 's been piling up for years in front of them . What I didn 't expect was what happened to me on Friday night . The day at work had been very busy and it was good and although I was a bit on the quiet side ( which for me is very unusual ) ; there wasn 't anything spectacular about it . After work , I picked up some groceries and some wine and headed home for an evening of Netflix , pizza and wine . My typical Friday night . I should point out that it 's not uncommon for me to drink two bottles of wine in one sitting and only feel mildly tipsy . At around 10 : 00 , I started feeling awful . I mean mentally awful . I started to cry and couldn 't stop . Nothing triggered it ; it just came out of the blue . I was inconsolable . I was beside myself with sadness and nothing was going to change that . I started thinking that if this is what my life was going to be like ; I wanted no part of it . Evil thoughts started swirling around in my brain - would anyone really care if I wasn 't around anymore ? Would it be a tremendous loss ? I just couldn 't shake the thought that I would be better off dead . I had a letter on my computer that I wrote a long time ago when I was depressed and wanting to get a will done . I opened up that letter and below everything I 'd written before , I put down into words , a final note for my friends and family . A suicide note . I 'd written a fucking suicide note . Then I went online and found out how much of a certain medication I 'd have to take to effectively kill myself . I found it , went to my cupboard and got the bottle . I still hadn 't stopped crying , it 's like everything had caved in on me and I couldn 't see anything beyond what was right in front of me . I methodically counted them out and put them on the table . I looked at them through tear soaked eyes and before I knew what I was doing , I grabbed a handful and swallowed them . In that minute , I knew . I knew it was wrong and that I didn 't want to die . I wanted to live . I called my sister and freaked her out and told her what I 'd done and that I loved her and hung up . She kept calling and calling and then when I answered , I was informed that an ambulance was on the way . I was pretty sleepy at this point and when they got to my house , my sister had pulled up just behind them . They came in and led me out to the ambulance and off to emergency I went . I was sleepy , drunk , and dozy and I felt like I was having an out of body experience . We got to emergency and when they led me to a bed ( I was still able to walk and everything ) , it was directly across from the bed they had my father in 3 weeks before he died . That sent me into a fit of hysterics and I started to cry uncontrollably again . I got settled and they did a whole slew of blood work and hooked me up to an IV to get some saline into my system . My sister was there and I was angry that she called an ambulance and one minute I was crying to her and the next I was telling her off . This is the part that scared me the most . After an hour of being there , I just desperately wanted to go home . I felt remorse , embarrassment and terrible that I 'd wasted the valuable resources of our health system . I promised I was fine and that I would be okay . It wasn 't that easy . They invoked the ' mental health act ' which meant that I was bound by law to stay and if I put up any resistance , they had the legal obligation to actually restrict me by tying me down . So , I lay there and seethed throughout the night - not being able to sleep a wink . I was exhausted , I had a shitload of sleeping pills in my system and yet , my brain would not shut off long enough to allow me to sleep . The longer the night wore on , the worse I felt . Not physically , but I felt just awful for putting my sister through it ( she has enough of her own problems ) . The guilt was overwhelming . I was told the night before that I had to wait to see the psychiatrist on call once the alcohol had left my system , so at 6 : 00 am , I asked if I could finally be considered to see someone and they told me someone would be around to see me ' sometime that morning ' . I started to panic - what if they forgot about me ? What if my birds were scared and I 'd accidentally left the door to their cage open ? I just wanted to GO HOME . What ? I couldn 't be admitted ! I had too much to do ! I hate hospitals ! I want to go home ! I have pets to think about ! I can 't be admitted … I just can 't . What would people think ? Would I lose my job ? I was overwhelmed by the messages - the sheer volume of them , and the love that was contained in each and every one of them . They wanted to help . They were sad that I had gotten to the point I had . They wanted me to know that they thought I was worthy of love and friendship . They thought I was special . Around 12 : 00 , after meetings with my young lady and the psychiatrist on call , I was discharged - with the promise from me that I would stop pushing people away and that I would let people support me . I promised with every fibre of my being that I would . I will be honest when I say that I would have agreed to anything just to get the hell out of there . I got home and the first thing I did was open the door to the cage of my birds . They glared at me , none too impressed that they hadn 't been let out or anything for over a day . I started to cry , because I was so thankful to be home , to have my beautiful sister with me and to know that I had an entire team of friends that would check on me throughout the weekend to ensure I was okay . That was last weekend . I had a rough start to the week - I was very weepy and emotional . I explained to coworkers who asked how my weekend was that I had been in the hospital from ' extreme reaction to a medication ' . Today is Wednesday and I 'm feeling better , although I am weepy and get very emotional over the tiniest of things . However , for the first time in a long time , I feel somewhat optimistic . I think that sometimes we do have to fall off the floor so that we can learn how to stand up again . Maybe we need to completely break in order to rebuild , instead of just putting band aids over the gaping wounds of our lives . Perhaps - perhaps we need to lose all of the things that were holding our lives together - our egos , our anger , our sadness and depression - so that we can start fresh to build the lives we are supposed to have . To anyone who is suicidal or thinks that life isn 't worth living - I beg you ; please call your local distress centre . Have that phone number on your speed dial . Call a friend . Call a neighbour . Have a plan . Know that you are worthy of love and happiness . Know that what they say about it being darkest before the dawn is true - but that the dawn is coming and it wants to welcome you to a new day of being you . I remember as a kid , my dad playing silly practical jokes on me all the time . We were at the seaside ; I was about 10 or so . Dad thought I might like to feed the birds , so he told me to take a piece of bread and hold it up over my head - so I did . Which , of course , brought a million seagulls to the surrounding area and if what they say is true about it being good luck if you 're pooped on by a seagull , I must be the luckiest person in the world ? My dad and I were visiting my grandparents in Florida when I was about 19 - they had a lovely grapefruit tree in the backyard , so both my dad and grandfather told me to pick as many as I wanted . I picked one - it was HUGE ! It took me forever to peel it and when I did and took that first bite - my face turned inside out and tears poured from my eyes . They failed to inform me that it was the kind of grapefruit they used to make marmalade . Had I been able to see properly , I 'm sure the sight of two grown men rolling on the grass would have been very funny indeed . Back in about 2003 , he started changing … it was so gradual ; I didn 't really notice ( nor did my mom or sister ) . He lost weight ( he 'd always been a big , robust kind of guy ) . He started slowing down , he got tired more often and he seemed to always not feel well . That went on for about a year , with numerous trips to the doctor and a few emergency runs . Doctor 's kept telling him he was fine … just age ( he was only 74 ) . In November of 2004 , my sister and I went to see his doctor to see if she could provide any information on what was making him feel so poorly . Of course , we adhered to the confidentiality clause , understanding she could only give us basic information - so she told us that she thought he was ' just depressed ' . Okay , well that made sense ( living with my batshit crazy mother would make ANYONE depressed ) . So , we had a family meeting and we told dad what we 'd learned and that we wanted to help him by being more active and if he didn 't want to see a counsellor , we 'd be happy to have him talk to us . Now - I should stop here and provide some information on my mother . During this entire time , my mother thought my dad was just being a lazy ass and ' faking ' his symptoms . She 'd constantly complain about how his issues were affecting HER ( my mother was a bit of a narcissist ) . Both my sister and I would receive phone calls about how his complaining was causing her to fall into another depression ( not that I 'm belittling depression ; I too suffer from it - but my mother made it her life mission to never NOT be depressed ) and she ' couldn 't stand much more ' . It was very hard to feel any sympathy for her . January 2005 - I was visiting my parents when all of a sudden - my dad passed out and slumped to the ground . I immediately called 911 and they came right away . Before they had even reached my father , my mother had kidnapped two of the paramedics to tell them that he was faking it and it was she that was REALLY suffering . They bundled dad up , took him to emergency and after hours of tests - they told him he had a bladder infection , and sent him home with some Bactrim . A couple of weeks later , I was at work and my dad phoned and said that he and my mom had doctor 's appointments , but he didn 't feel well enough to drive . My dad had been driving since he was 10 years old , so I knew something was very wrong . I left work and picked them up and took them to the doctor . Their regular doctor wasn 't in ; it was a med student who was filling in . She saw mom first and when she came out , my dad went in . My mother started whining about wanting a cigarette , so I told her to go out and sit in the car . Awhile later , the med student came out and looked very upset . She asked to speak to me and I said sure and she said ' your father is a very sick man and he needs to go to the hospital straight away ' . I went in to see dad , and he was lying there with tears running down his cheeks . ' I 'm scared ' he said to me - ' Am I going to die ? ' Trying to remain brave , I told him not to worry , I would take care of everything . He needed to have blood tests before he left , so I had to get him down some stairs , when he passed out . A couple of people got him down the rest of the stairs and situated in the waiting area . I told the nurse that he needed his tests done NOW , as I was taking him to the hospital , so she brought everything out , got ' em done , and with the help of the kind strangers , got him up and into the car . With mom dropped off , we headed for emergency where I got him into a wheelchair and up to the triage desk . ' Please take a seat ' , the nurse said without looking up . I said ' no , you will see him NOW and if you don 't , I will chain myself to your desk and won 't move and if you think I 'm kidding , you 've got another think coming ' ( I can be a super bitch when I need to ) . With a sniff and a huff , she took his blood pressure . It was so low ; he basically should have been dead . They rushed him into a suite and started a complete workup . He stayed in emergency for 3 or 4 days , and they did test after test after test and couldn 't find anything wrong with him . Meanwhile , dad continued to crack jokes and pick on the nurses . The finally admitted him to a ward and started more tests and finally , and exploratory surgery . What they found was horrific . Basically , his intestines had turned into concrete . Anything he ingested was not passing through and was causing horrible toxicity to take over his body . He was hooked up to a nasogastric tube suction machine and the shit that came out of his stomach was black . And there was a lot of it . From there on in , he wasn 't allowed ANYTHING to eat or drink - not even water . It was beyond awful and dad , although he was really trying to remain upbeat , was slowly starting to wane . I 'd go to see dad and he 'd be crying because all he wanted was some water . Nothing else . Just water . I 'd often give him tiny sips to ease his pain and even the nurses started slipping him the occasional orange popsicle . You 've never seen anyone so happy to have a popsicle in your life . They tested him for this and that and everything in between . ' He has cancer ! ' they 'd proclaim , but couldn 't back it up with blood work . He had 2 or 3 more exploratory surgeries ; they brought in some of the top doctors in the region - still , nothing . They could not for the life of them , figure out what it was . By this time , dad was tired . He didn 't want to play any more . We 'd visit him every day , taking shifts . ( I should say that by this point , mom had stopped telling everyone ' it 's all in his head ' ) . February 17 , 2005 : Dad was scheduled the next day to have yet another exploratory surgery . My mom , sister and I met up with his surgeon in dad 's hospital room and he explained what they would be doing . Dad was feeling pretty good that evening , cracking jokes , making us smile . Towards the end of the meeting he said ' when you all come in to see me tomorrow , please bring me a coffee ! ' - And of course , we all agreed to do so . February 18 , 2005 - 10 : 00 am : I was at work and received a phone call from the hospital indicating that they had given my father too much morphine and he hadn 't woken up from his surgery . They indicated that they had ' reversed ' the dosage and that it was still within normal limits , just on the high side . So , I went to the hospital , and there I saw my poor , beautiful father lying there with his eyes wide open - but no sign of life . The nurse kept trying to get him to close his eyes , but even in his unconscious stupor , he was being a pain in the butt . I went over and said ' C ' mon Harold , you gotta close your beautiful brown eyes or they 're gonna dry out ! ' - And I gently closed them for him , and they stayed that way . I spent the rest of the day talking to him , telling him stories about work and other things … and he never woke up . The doctors indicated that they did fully expect him to wake up soon . Later on in the day , my mom and sister came and as I left , I gave him a big kiss and told him I 'd see him again tomorrow with a cup of coffee . I was very grateful to have had a friend over , because when I received that phone call , I fell completely apart . My friend and a couple of other friends came with me to the hospital and there I met up with my sister and mom . I walked into dad 's room and he was just … lying there , like he was sleeping . I slumped to the ground and started weeping like I 've never done before . My brother in law crouched down and just held me until I could muster up the courage to actually go in the room . My mom , sister and I sat down and the surgeon came and joined us and he actually had tears in his eyes and apologized to all of us for not being able to save him . He explained that they just could not figure out what had happened and asked our permission to perform an autopsy , which we agreed to . When the meeting was done , my mom and sister said goodbye to dad and I stayed behind . I went over to him and kissed his forehead and brushed back his hair and told him how much I loved him . Looking back over my shoulder , I said goodbye to my dad for the very last time . It took weeks for the results to come back . He was finally diagnosed with peritoneal mesothelioma - a form of cancer that is caused by exposure to asbestos . Dad never worked anywhere with asbestos - where had that come from ? I did months of research and through a friend of mine I was able to figure it out . Dad was in the RCAF in the 50 's , living in the barracks - which contained asbestos in the walls . These asbestos fibres can live in a body for up to 60 years . The timing fit , it all fit and I was on a mission . I called my dad 's doctor and asked for his medical records and was met with ' do I need to call my lawyer ' ? As you can imagine , by this time , I hated her with a burning passion and said ' I don 't know , I haven 't looked at them yet ' . I received those and then I filed a claim with Veterans ' Affairs and they gave my mother a nice settlement - it wasn 't going to bring my dad back , but it would help her to remain comfortable for the rest of her life . She passed away in 2010 , never having bounced back after dad 's death . I write this for me - and for anyone who wants to read it . For anyone who has gone through the agony of losing a loved one to cancer or any other disease . For anyone who misses someone and wishes they could say ' I love you ' and ' goodbye ' - just one more time . So … how many of you made New Year 's Resolutions - hands up ! Right … now , how many of you are still following them ? Oh … yes , well , that 's to be expected . Just prior to Christmas , I had a ( as my father would have put it ) a ' come to Jesus ' meeting with my landlord . I 've been wanting to purchase my condo for a long time , but kept putting off attacking the mountain of personal debt I 've accumulated in about the past 9 years . She 's given me until the middle of the year to prove that I AM working on it and if she 's happy with the results , she will bend over backwards to assist me with the purchase - WAY above and beyond what a normal landlord would ever do . Our meeting was extremely intense ; not since my father died have I had such a conversation about my debt and my addiction to self indulgence . I 've probably mentioned this before , but my dad was everything - dad , best friend , mentor - I admit , I was definitely daddy 's girl . He did everything for me - got the oil changed in my car , bailed me out of stupid monetary decisions - the stuff most dads do . I never panicked - or paid much attention to things , because I knew dad always had my back . I 'm embarrassed to admit that he helped me out financially WAY too many times . My dad died suddenly in February 2005 . It hit me like a fucking sledgehammer . If you were to ask me what the rest of the year looked like , I can 't tell you because I was in a complete fog . My sister and I had to start caring for our extremely needy mother , who made our lives a living hell . I had lost my dad , my best friend and my support . My safety net , as it were . That 's when things started getting ugly . I started drinking too much , spending too much - EVERYTHING was too much . I didn 't care , nor did I think of the ramifications of my actions . It made me feel better . It stopped the hurt . I started spending like I had an unlimited trunk full of cash . I didn 't buy big things ; it was the little things - $ 40 here for a new shirt , $ 25 here for groceries and I 'm not even going to get into how much I 've spent on wine over the years ( that in itself is embarrassing ) . Maxed out more credit cards than I can count . Managed to get myself back on track by paying them off , only to get myself back into trouble - time and time again . I just didn 't care … I didn 't stop to think that all those little purchases added up to one big , hefty bill . Oh , I made payments regularly and was always very conscious about doing that , but it was all peripheral ; it never entered into my mind that I was paying 13 % , 15 % or 17 % and throwing a few hundred at it each month wasn 't getting me anywhere . I was managing it and I didn 't have debt collectors after me and it was all good . Carry on ! After my mother died in 2010 , there was a small inheritance left to me and I used most of it to pay off debt . Yay ! A credit card with a zero balance ! Whoo ! I can start spending again ! Just before Christmas I got extremely sick and have only just started feeling marginally human again . I had a lot of time to just sit and ponder things … when one day , I had what I like to call - a jelly donut moment . A jelly donut moment is when you stick your finger in the middle of the donut and watch everything ooze out the sides and top . Basically - my psyche started oozing , but with that came clarity - a sense of calmness that I hadn 't felt in a long time . No . Well , maybe . My point is that all of the money I 've spent , all of the wine I 've drunk didn 't replace my dad - it only created a different dependency . A dependency on being self indulgent . ' Poor me , I 've had a bad day , I should go look at shoes . ' So , tucked at home in my jammies on New Year 's Eve , with some cold medicine and Netflix - I made a different resolution . This is the year that I become less self indulgent . I 'm going to take care of myself by eating better , getting a bit more exercise and by not drinking . I 'm going to think before I spend . Now , that doesn 't mean I 'm going to be absolutely 100 % ' perfect ' - but what it means for me , is that those moments of self indulgence are going to be the exception , rather than the rule . Because I deserve it - don 't I ? You see - I am the end of the line - family wise . My dad was the only boy ( he had two sisters ) and I was supposed to be a boy ( oops , sorry about the not having a penis thing ) . It 's something that 's bothered me for many years , ever since I realized ( and , was informed ) that I am indeed , it . My mother never told me ( or anyone , for that matter ) much about her family . My grandfather died about 5 months before I was born , and based on what my sister and dad have told me about him , he was quite the character and I 'm very sad that I never got the chance to meet him . He came from Russia in 1913 to join the Canadian Expeditionary Forces . He fought in France , lived through Vimy and was wounded a few days later at ( in ? ) Arleaux Loop . He was sent to a military hospital in England , where he married his nurse and they returned to Canada . So , armed with that information , I started digging . I came across some information in an old family photo album that actually listed all of my grandmother 's brothers and sisters . Aha ! But the person I was most interested in was my grandfather . On and off , over the past few years , I 've done some research , even managed to get copies of his attestation papers from Veterans ' Affairs . Reading them was just fascinating ! It detailed his military history , his health , what happened when he was wounded - every little detail was meticulously kept . Except for the town in Russia he was born in . The name he had listed doesn 't exist , nor did it ever exist . I tried a million different variations , asked around to some of my eastern European friends - I just couldn 't get anywhere , so I sort of let it lie . About a month ago , my sister gave me a bag of documents . It was everything that was in my dad 's safety deposit box - she 'd had it for some time , but had only recently come across it . For me , it was like Christmas . I found my mother 's birth certificate - and on it - was the REAL name of the town my Grandfather was born in ! Turns out that it 's now considered a part of Belarus ( I guess that sort of makes me a Belorussian - I think we 're very good at shot put in the Olympics , if I remember correctly 🙂 ) . I also found out that my mother had Grade 12 piano ( never heard her play a note in her life ) . I even found copies of her high school report cards - she was a pretty smart cookie ; dad on the other hand - erm , not so much . It had my dad 's military records , a few photos and even a letter written to my grandfather from 1904 . My mother was HOT , I mean SMOKIN ' HOT ! And my dad was no slouch himself . I learned through some reading and from my sister that she was a talented artist ( again , I never knew of this ) . She was a real shit disturber during her Air Force days , and spent most of her time on her hands and knees , scrubbing airplane hangars with a toothbrush . The pictures I have of her as a young woman shows a free spirit , full of fun and life and mischief . Dad was the same way - some of his Air Force stories had me rolling with laughter ( some of the crap he was allowed to get away with in the 1950 's is considerably different than what they can get away with today ! ) I 'm sad that I never got to know my parents beyond them being ' mom and dad ' . I did a little bit with my dad , but my mom remained tight lipped until the day she died . It 's only now that I 'm learning to appreciate who they were as people , as a young man and woman in the 40 's and 50 's . Why they were the way they were - what happened to my mother to turn her into an old , manipulative and excessively codependent woman ? Why didn 't she share her life with us , her family ? Was my dad truly happy ? Did he live a good life and was he able to achieve some of his dreams ? While I 'm writing this post for me - it 's mostly for all of you who might still be lucky enough to have your parents with you . Learn from them . Ask questions - not kid to parent questions - adult to adult questions . Ask about their past , their dreams and what some of the best parts of their lives have been . Would they have lived life differently ? Do they have any regrets ? Encourage them to tell stories about crazy Aunt Helen , about their first kiss - even their first job . Get to know them as people ; you 'll be pleasantly surprised about the things you learn - after all , they 're human too .
|
I am Mondo when my story began I was 16 years old . My Father was killed by a cave bear 5 years earlier and my Mother was claimed by Grog . . . . Grog hates me . The men are gathering for a hunt , we are traveling to a summer camp and need to have meat for the trek . Grog kicks me because he says I am too slow . . . . . soon , very soon I will challenge him . He says my big feet make me clumsy . The men are ready to hunt and the Head man Tondor calls us to move out . Lateen has spotted a herd of Bison not to far from our camp . We will trail them and set up an ambush . Tondor tells Grog and I to move ahead on the right while Lateen and Gorbus does the same to the left . I ease behind a rock with my spear in hand when something startles the herd and they began running towards me . I hear a grunt and look over my shoulder and see Grog swinging his club at my head . My movement caused the blow to be a stunning blow instead of killing me it knocked me unconscious and I fell in to the stampede . Luckily there was a dead tree that had fallen and lay in their path and my lifeless body rolled under its branches . I opened my eyes , my head hurt and I could hardly see . I try to stand but could not . I check and I still had my water skin . I took a drink and poured some over my head . Slowly very slowly I began to come to my senses . Grog tried to kill me before I could challenged him . Grog was about 5 ' tall and weighed about 200 lbs . I on the other hand stood at 6 ' and weighed about the same but where Grog was fat mine was muscle . One day I will take him down , maybe today when I get back to camp . I found my spear and using it as a staff I made my way back to camp . Before I made it to the camp area I realized something was very wrong , no smoke , as I rounded the boulder that marked the entrance to the box canyon where the camp had been for months . Before me was a barren area no huts no people . . . I was alone . . . I collapsed to the ground . The Clan probably thought I was dead , Grog would have told them that I got caught in the stampede . That was when I also realized that I did not know how long I was out , as weak as I felt it could have been days . I knew where there were some berry vines near by and I went to them that at least gave me a bit of nourishment . After I had eaten my fill of the berries I made my way back to where the stampede had occurred . I followed in the Bison 's wake . I don 't know what I was expecting but … where else was I to go , I had been following for hours when I noticed a carcass . As I drew near I could see a spear sticking out of the Bison 's belly . It must have eluded the Clan and died slowly . I took my flint knife and began the process of skinning it . Before I was half done I decided to build a fire to keep predators away . I gathered wood and pulled out my fire stones struck them together and directed the sparks to the tinder and in moments I had my fire I fed it larger pieces of wood till I had a raging fire . I cut off some of the meat and placed it on a stone near the fire . Just by accident , a few years ago a hunk of meat was dropped into the coals of our fire . Some time later my Father noticed the tantalizing smell from the cooking meat he raked it out , brushed it off and took a bite . We each tried a piece of the cooked meat and now often cooked our meat . I stood up from placing the meat and went back to the skinning of the bison . There was a stream near by so I decided to just stay right where I was . I made Racks and hung pieces of meat to smoke and to dry . I staked out the Bison skin and began to scrape the hide and tan it . I stayed there for a week and ate my fill and although I heard predators almost every night my fire seemed to keep them at bay . I found some small trees with straight trunks about an inch to an inch and a half in diameter . I cut two about eight feet long then I cut smaller ones to make a spread of about three foot . These I tied to the longer poles to make a travois . I cut a lot of thin strips from the Bison skin for this and more to tie the skin and and the meat to the travois . Grog set looking into the campfire thinking about how his plan to get rid of Mondo had worked so well , he laughed to himself . It was even better than he had planed , Mondo had fell right in front of the stampede . He laughs to himself nothing left of Mondo . Mondo 's mother was sure that Grog was at fault for her sons death but was afraid to say anything . She knew that Grog would beat her and leave her behind . So she kept her thoughts to herself . Lateen 's daughter Sonda was heartbroken . . . Even though she was only eleven she had a crush on Mondo . Mondo was the tallest , strongest and most handsome and Sonda knew that one day he would pick her . . . She just had to grow a little bit . . . well since her chest was flat and she was as skinny as a bamboo shoot , maybe a lot of growing . Mondo lifted the poles to his shoulders and began his search for the Clan . It was at least a moon to the summer camp . He had made a sling from a couple of strands cut from the bison skin and kept the sling in his hand as he walked . By the time he stopped for the day he had three Rabbits and a badger . He had gutted them while walking then when he stopped he finished skinning them . Mondo was bent over scrapping the badger pelt when he heard a roar . . . He grabbed his spear and turned , he barley had time to set himself as a saber - tooth Tiger launched itself toward him . Mondo dropped to his knees and steadied his spear . The Tiger hit the spear and drove the spear into its chest the force of the impact carried the tiger over and past Mondo ripping the spear out of his hands . Mondo grabbed for his flint knife and leaped on to the tigers back and with the razor sharp flint knife attacked the throat of the tiger . The force of the Tiger landing broke the spear in half . The blade of the spear pierced the heart of the beast as it slung Mondo off its back . It roared then dropped at Mondo 's feet … dead . Mondo had closed his eyes because he knew he was dead . . . nothing happened … . he opened his eyes to see the tiger at his feet , then he shook . He had no time to fall apart . He gathered wood and built a large fire . He began skinning the Tiger noting the fact that it was a female and looked like it may have been nursing . Mondo staked out the tiger skin out to make scraping easier . Then he drug the carcass away from camp . Returning to the camp he found three kittens eating his rabbits that he had planned on having himself . Well he thought that answers the question about if the Tiger had kits or not . . Mondo picked up the rabbits and stuck them on sticks over the fire . He cut the badger into small pieces and fed it to the kits . They ate their fill then curled up next to Mondo and went to sleep . The next morning Mondo went back to the tigers carcass . . . it was almost clean nothing but bones left . He looked around and found the head and removed the Saber - tooth . Being about six inches long they would be good for stabbing . He headed back to camp the kits were playing and nipping at the badger bones . He staked out the tiger skin and went to work on scrapping . Mondo lifted the poles and started off it had been three days preparing the tiger skin , the kits played around his feet . They would take a few steps and look back and mew . Then run to catch up then repeat , they were not sure what to do for Mondo kept on walking . This went on for over an hour then the kits started drifting farther back . Until Mondo heard a mournful cry and an answering growl . . . . a coyote looking for an easy meal . Why ? Mondo does not know but he dropped the poles grabbed the half spear and attacked the coyote . Being a coward the coyote ran away … well just out of reach . . . Mondo scratched his head wondering why he did some of the things he did . He walked back to the tired and scared kits and picked up one turned it over … it was a male he said " You are Bruno " . The next had tabby stripes and was female for some reason it reminded him of Lateen 's daughter , " You are Sondi . " The last one was small but male Mondo laughed at the struggles and said " You are Runt . " He carried them back to the carrier and placed them on the skins . They settled down to sleep . As the days passed the kits would get down from the carrier run and play till they tired then they would climb back up and go to sleep . Mondo began to notice a slight chill in the air he began to worry that there might be a late snow storm coming . He started searching for a place to hold up and wait it out . With the aid of his sling he had plenty of meat to last so that was no worry but he did need to find a straight pole to make into a spear . Another hour of walking and he noticed a stand of trees that had a few saplings the perfect length for his spear . . . if he could find the right stones maybe he could chip out three or four spear heads . He began to look for good flints and collected a few and cut down a few saplings . As Mondo set down to began shaping the spear heads he heard a scream , He took his half spear and moved off in the direction of the scream . He was walking in a dry stream bed , as he walked he would pick up rocks to use with his sling if needed . He could tell he was getting close by the grunting just ahead of him . As he rounded a bend he saw something he had only heard about . Before him was what his dad had called lomen their bodies were twisted as was their faces they were eaters of men . The lomen were broad in the body and strong and there were three of them . One of them was eating on the leg bone of a man they had ripped apart . The other two were trying to pull something from under the bramble bushes next to the rocks . From the screams I could tell it was a female and that the thorns was all that was between her and these monsters . I loaded my sling and let fly hitting the eater in the temple . . . he dropped the leg and fell forward . I reloaded just as one of the other turned toward me I let fly the rock catching him in the fore head . Before I could reload the last one had turned and charged me . Before he could reach me three tawny dynamos went streaking past one grabbed an ankle , one grabbed the most private parts causing him to raise his head which gave Bruno the chance he needed and latched on to his throat . As the monster went down I planted my half spear in to his chest and pressed it into his heart . I called the Kits off . I had not noticed but they had grown and their Milk teeth had been replaced by the beginning of their tusks , I chuckled that lomen probably was very surprised when those clamped on his privates . 4 " Who are you ? " " I am Mondo a lone hunter lost from my Clan . " " I am going to cut the Brambles back " I took my knife and cleared an opening through the brambles . I was surprised to find there was a cave behind the brambles . The opening was about four foot across and tall but once in side the cave it was at least eight foot tall . As I entered the first thing I saw was an eight year old playing with runt beside her was her mother and three other women and two boys about ten . The man who had been ripped apart was the only adult male with them . They were looking at me with fear , I glanced to either side and realized that Bruno and Sondi were escorting me . I will be right back I will get rid of the bodies and get my gear and then I will return . I drug the bodies a good ways away so predators would not come close to the cave . I checked them for weapons but all they had was clubs , which I had no use for . I drug my travois inside the cave and made numerous trips back outside to bring in firewood . Then I drug the Brambles back to cover the entrance . Then I looked at the people still standing in the same place that I had left them . . " Please at least sit down , I am not here to hurt you if you wish to leave I will not stop you . Do what you wish . " I decided to leave them alone and light a fire . I unloaded the travois and spread the the furs the kittens crawled right on the furs and Lil the eight year old who had been playing with Runt followed him onto the furs . One by one they began to sit on the furs and the boys asked if it was alright to pet the kittens . Sondi answered by rubbing on their legs , Bruno was not far behind . I continued getting the fire started and started some rabbits to roasting . I am Mondo I will finish telling my story . I noticed that some of the smoke drifted down the roof line of the cave then disappeared . I lit a length of wood and and used it as a torch . I walked farther in to the cave the two boys and Sondi and Bruno followed . About fifty feet inward we found a stream that ran along the right wall . The cats smelled the water and took a drink . I dipped my hand in , the water was cold and sweet . We walked on for about a hundred feet the cave made a turn to the left and opened up to a vast room with a pool almost twenty to thirty feet across . There was some kind of Moss on the cave walls that gave off light . I no longer need the torch so I put it out by covering it with dirt . . I walked across the room and could see an opening ahead of me . When I reached the opening I was shocked to see a beautiful valley . A river flowed from out of the ground at the base of the mountain . Wild game was abundant , berries were evident as well as herbs and spices all were in sight . Mondo turned to the boys , " Bring me the torch and I will relight it then I want you to go bring every one here . " I continued to gaze at the Valley trying to judge its size the best guess was it was at least 10 miles long and 5 wide but would know better when I had a chance to explore . While the boys were gone I walked out into the Valley and looked around . I felt like I was home , the cave had shelter and fresh water and the Valley had all the food we could eat . I was standing in front of the cave with my arms lifted up towards the sky as the others stepped out of the cave . Lil and her mother Ludi were first out of the cave they walked up to me and asked where are we . Ludi says When we left the other end it was snowing but . . but . . here the sun is shining and it is warm . Everyone gathered around all were amazed at what they saw . One of the women , Pori , made the comment we could live here and no one would know . . " Moli and Star the other two women spoke together " we need to go get our things . " I knew then I had been accepted for , our things they refer too was the items I had unloaded from my travois . But they were right we needed the things moved to this end . We all went back together . The first night we slept on the furs it was close sleeping , in the middle of the night I awoke with an arm draped across my body stroking my chest and stomach . . I started to turn over when a voice said shhhh . I lay there enjoying the feeling and not knowing who was doing the rubbing . That night I had pleasant dreams . And when I awoke the next morning the ladies were out gathering herbs Ludi was directing them . . . that 's when I found out she was a medicine woman apprentice , And Lil 's mother . The whole group had been tied together after being captured by the lomen . They had been walking for hours when the leader of the lomen called a halt . He pointed to three of his group and speaking in a language they did not understand . Ludi assumed he was assigning the three to watch them . Their guards pushed them down near a large downed tree . The lomen had not noticed that there was a hole under the tree which led to the dry stream bed and eventually to the cave . Lil found the hole . She told her mother and Ludi whispered to the others . Then they waited . Later into the night the lomen began to drowse when she felt it safe she lowered Lil into the hole and one at a time they all slipped away . The man was the last and he slipped and fell making enough noise to awaken the lomen . They ran as fast as they could then Ludi saw the brambles and every one tried to slip under them when the lomen grabbed the man and literally ripped him apart . One of the other lomen was reaching under the brambles and had grabbed on to Star . . . . That is when Mondo arrived and took out the lomen . Mondo took charge and Ludi was glad to let him besides she was physically attracted to him . Mondo had checked each one of them to make sure no one was injured . And they all stood there in fear not knowing what to do next . Mondo began working on his spears he stripped the bark from the saplings . And stood the hafts near the fire to begin the drying out and hardening of the shafts . He took the stones and began working on the blades for the spearheads . Drago and Malo sat close watching his every move . Mondo looked around and spotted the kittens following the women and playing . The women seemed to take the presence of the Saber - tooth cats as natural . After making four spear blades and rotating the shafts Mondo decided it was time to look over the Valley . He gather a few rocks and his sling and motioned to the boys , they fell in behind him . Mondo saw a small herd of bison , many rabbits , a variety of birds and goats and sheep and many other animals . They all seemed to be food animals other than small carnivores there did not seem to be any large predators . There was no evidence of Tigers , bears or wolves . The most dangerous animal he saw was bovine . One breed had horns about six feet in length . The deer population was abundant and they counted the points on a large Stag as three hands plus two fingers . I thought about what I had done … into this peaceful valley I had introduced three top of the line predators . They may be young now but … one day . I guess I would have to train them . And let them hunt in the forest from the bramble bush entrance . I decided my estimate of the size of the Valley was close very close but probably the valley was a bit larger . In the distance Mondo could see a dark area which he felt could be another cave . . . maybe another exit . One day he vowed to walk all of the valley . . . Then he would know . When he and the boys returned the camp seemed to be empty . . . Mondo was worried , with spear at the ready he entered camp . Then he heard laughter from inside the cave . He and the boys entered the cave and was met with the sight of Star completely nude and the others all waist deep in the pool . . . also nude . They saw him and the boys and waved to them , come in come in there is a hot springs in the pool . Mondo looked around at the boys but was too late they had already dropped their clothes and were running for the water . Mondo shed his own skins to the oohs and aahs of the adult women . Mondo didn 't have to do anything just walk into the pool . The women met him and began to wash him even Lil tried to help but the women said no . The slings kept us in food and skins for clothes . There was a plant that had blades that looked like swords , the thorn on the end of the sword could be broken off and a thin thread like piece about two feet long could be pulled out of the sword , this made for a perfect needle and thread . The thorn would reform after about two weeks so the needle and thread was constantly replaced as long as the sword was not cut . I taught all how to use the slings and they all seemed to be naturals . It was a pleasant life though I wished for more men to go after bigger game and … I missed my mother . Mondo 's mother , Sharlu , did not know how much more she could take . Since Mondo had been killed Grog seemed to look for things to get angry about . . . and he beat her . Tondor saw this and tried to ignore it but he to had been casting his eyes at the comeliness of Sharlu . Ever since his wife had died he had thought to claim a new wife , but by the laws of the tribe Grog had acted first and Sharlu was his . If Tondar ever actually saw Grog beating Sharlu . . . . He would Challenge Grog . But now was not the time . A sickness had swept through the Clan , Tobar the medicine Man worked with them all until he too became sick Before it was over they had lost six children , five men including Tobar and eight women . The Clan was really hurting there was only eleven men , five women and ten children . Of the ten children only three were over twelve and only one was male . Some of the men were still very weak only three hunters were available to feed the Clan . No Tondar thinks , today is not a good day to challenge . Grog is needed . Today Star asked to go on the hunt with Mondo and he agreed . They were about three miles from the Camp when Star dropped to her Knees and put her head to the ground and pulled her clothing to the side baring her delightful butt . As she wiggled her butt she tells Mondo she wants a baby . Having never done this before Mondo squatted behind her and tried to enter her . After the fourth miss Star reached between her legs , took him in hand and guided him into her velvet glove . Mondo had never felt anything like this before and he went wild bouncing Star all over the ground . Then he felt a strange sensation and he grabbed her hips and shoved himself all the way into Star , His release was like an explosion and as the feeling receded . Mondo collapsed at Stars feet , the rest of the morning was spent the same way . They finished their hunt and Star told him the other women were waiting their turn . They had decided that their tribe needed more people . Mondo walked around the rest of the day with a big grin on his face just thinking … he would get to do this to the other women too . As they arrived back at camp everyone knew that Star had been successful and every time the other women would walk past Mondo they would twitch their tail at him . Even Lil as young as she was got in on the tail twitching . Two months later all the women were pregnant and Lil was asking her Mother why she couldn 't be pregnant too . Mondo was training the Cats and as they became larger he began taking them out into the forest past the Bramble gate . The Cats had made a good kill and I was dragging my travois with the meat and pelt down the gully when Bruno came to a stop and I could here a rumble in Sondi 's throat . Runt was crouched in his attack mode . I made a downward push with my hands , I had trained them that this meant to crouch down and wait . I crawled forward and spotted three lomen guarding a line of captives . My Cats hated lomen . I counted the prisoners , two men , six women and five children under twelve , two boys and three girls . We followed knowing they would stop for a rest soon . When they stopped we waited till two of the lomen began to nap . Then I stood up with my sling and bounced a rock off the guards temple killing him instantly . The guards falling awakened the other two lomen they began to rise but stopped when they felt the paws on their chest . Bruno and Sondi made one slash and opened the throats of the two . Runt not to be out done ripped out the throat of the one I had killed . I released one of the captives and instructed her to release the others while I got rid of the lomen . I looked around at the captives and told them not to worry about the Cats , they are tame . I told them to follow us to Paradise . I picked up my Travois and led them to the bramble gate . When we stepped out at the other end they were speechless . They blended in with the rest of our fast growing Clan . Even though two of the women were wife 's of the two men Mondo was informed it was his job to get them pregnant the first time . Because I was strong and brave and this they wanted their first born to be also . They meant first born of their new Clan because one of the children , a little girl named Rena was the daughter of the wife of one of the men . Rena was less than a year old . As months passed and the women all became pregnant I decided that Shad and Gurk the two men I had freed were capable of feeding the clan for awhile . I decided to make another search for my Mother and Tondor 's Clan . I carried my Travois and 3 spears and Bruno and Sondi . Runt I left with Ludi to help protect the clan . I took no food except for one meal and two water skins . As I departed the bramble gate I covered it with fresh brambles and scouted the area to make sure no lomen had been around . Game seemed to be plentiful and I decided to just use my sling I felt there was no reason to kill any large game on the way out . No sense of packing pelts both directions . I sent Sondi to scout ahead and Bruno to make sweeps around us . By night fall we had had no problems and I had killed enough small game to feed myself and the Cats . I built up a fire and snuggled between the Cats and drifted off to sleep . The next morning we continued our trek . . . the Cats seemed to be uneasy and I noticed the quietness around us . . . There is something wrong . . . now I need to find out what . The Hackles on Bruno 's neck were standing straight up and Sondi had moved about six feet from me also facing toward the direction that Bruno was facing . I picked up one of my spears and backed between two boulders that were about eighteen inches apart . I still have no idea what I am about to face . Then Bruno roars and is answered by a roar that chills even the best hunter . . . . a Cave Bear it roared out of the bushes on all fours . When it saw Bruno it stood on it 's hind legs it was at least fifteen foot tall . Then the bear looked me straight in the eye , Bruno attacked . . . The bear just knocked him aside as if he weren 't even there . It dropped back to all fours and charged toward me . I set myself with my spear , just before the bear reached me a tawny missile struck the bear behind it 's left front leg . Sondi held on . Then Bruno struck from the rear . The bear reared up again , as its head was raising up I struck with my spear straight for the throat . The first spear did not penetrate very far but it seemed to con fuse the bear . He swung his mighty paw but he hit the boulder instead of me . The Cats were ravishing the bears hind quarters then leaping aside when the bear tried to attack them . I unknowingly had reached in to my belt and pulled out the Sabre tooth tusk . Sondi takes another chunk out of the bears front leg , the bear turns its head to the side , I see my chance and I pounce . With all my might I jam the Sabre tooth in to the ear canal of the bear which penetrates the brain . Not realizing it is dead the bear swings back at me . . . I back off , the bear roars and falls dead at my feet . I check my Cats both seem to be limping from the tossing around but no bleeding is evident . I skin the bear . I took the skin and a little of the meat . I really hated to leave all that meat but predators and scavengers would be all over us . We traveled on till we came to a stream and there we camped till I finished with the Bearskin . This took almost a week after that I would work with it after my days travel . 9 Babies The women at the cave began to give birth Star was first then Pora , Lorn , Ludi and Moli . All boys except Star her daughter was called Little Star . Ludi named her boy Mondu son of Mondo and as she was the Medicine Woman she ruled the roost while Mondo was gone . Ludi was sure that by the time Mondo came home all the babies will be born even little Yo ' te the last to get pregnant . The men and boys kept the camp supplied with meat . Every day one of the boys and Runt would go to the bramble gate and watch . The two men pulled their own weight Shad was a spear maker and Grug was a potter he made pots and bowls for everyone . . . . . but they all seemed to miss Mondo his strength and leadership was missed . Tondar is worried only 3 hunters left , Himself , Grog and Hobar each has been training one of the children . Tondar is training Lateen 's Daughter Sonda who is already good with a sling . Hobar has the other 12 y . o . girl Goba and Grog is training the 13 y . o . boy Socar . It is proving to be very difficult to feed everyone . With as many that are still weak and sick they were unable to move to winter grounds . Luckily they had found a cave that was an air vent of a near dormant Volcano . Heat still permeated the cave area from hot gasses so they only needed fire if they wished to cook . Each hunter pair went out alone only time the whole group would go out on a hunt was if large game was spotted . At that time the women who were strong enough would make Travois to help skinning and hauling of the meat if a kill was made . Sadly this was rare . . 10 Fifteen days later Mondo arrived at the Clans Summer camp he was disheartened to see the barren burned out area . He searched around but could not tell if the Clan had been here when the fire occurred or if the fire was older . He stayed there another 10 days making scouting circles in all directions . All he could really tell was the Cats were uneasy in this burned out area . Two days ago the cats had brought down a deer . Mondo cut it up and fed them big chunks of the meat and worked on the hide . He decided that in the morning he would head back . He had to admit he missed his new clan . The next morning after a quick look around he began his trek homeward . Bruno began his scout and Sondi took point Mondo could tell they were happy to be leaving this place . Days turned into weeks it had been an easy trip except for twice the Cats had warned him of lomen on the prowl . Mondo took the cats in the bushes and told them to be silent and they watched the lomen searching for new captives . Their smell was overpowering even more so when two of them sat down to rest less than twenty paces away . The Cats didn 't like it either but I was able to keep them quiet . Then they decided to take a nap , That was more than I or the Cats could take . I turned them loose , in seconds there was two less lomen in these woods . It was a thing of beauty to watch them work now that they had nearly reached their full growth . Bruno was about five foot at the front shoulder and about four foot at the hind quarters . Sondi was just inches smaller not that it mattered and Runt at the cave was a full foot smaller but I think Runt was faster than his brother and sister . I could see the dry wash ahead once I entered it I would be close to a mile from Bramble Gate . Now silence was really needed the path above the dry wash was made by the lomen as they carry their captives to their home area . . . Where ever that is . But today it was clear . We made it to Bramble gate as we neared the brambles began to move and out came Drago and Runt . I motioned them back inside and the Cats and I followed . All I could think about for the past hour was the hot springs . , When I reached them I began dropping things , by the time I was at the springs I was nude and walked out into the pool and sank down and closed my eyes . After a few sighs I opened my eyes and was met by ten women all carrying a baby . My mouth dropped open and I asked " Where did all the Babies come from ? " The only answer I got was smiles . I was Home . I stood on the bank of our river I looked across at the stately trees on the other side . It has been 4 years since we had found our valley . We had learned how to smoke our meat , there was an indention in the wall of the cave passage near room sized . It was near the smoke hole , we had left some meat on drying racks in this room and the smoke from our cook fire passed over it . When we tried this meat we were surprised by the taste . We tried raw meat on the racks and the results were great . We were able to make fewer large kills and no meat was wasted . Yes this was truly a wonderful valley . I walked into the River at this point the water just reached my knees . Along the far bank the women were gathering berries in to pots Gurk had made . I noticed a river otter playing with the children , Malo had found it when it was a pup and raised it . We were as one with the animals . Shad and Gruk and the boys and I did most of our major hunts out the bramble gate . That way we had the help of the Cats , they were still not used in the valley . The only time we hunted inside the valley was when it was winter at the bramble gate . Soon not even then . Malo and Drago had herded 5 of the bovine creatures into a box canyon and had taken brush and blocked off their escape . Later we had cut poles and using a crisscross method at the corners and ends of the poles we had built a fence with a gate . There were three females and 2 males there was plenty of food for them and a branch off the river made water available . It wasn 't till breeding time that we found there was a problem with the mix . The two males fought for the right to breed . We watched the fight the larger bull had horns 18 " long on either side of his head . The smaller only had one horn the other had been broken off some time earlier , he was clearly at a disadvantage . It didn 't take long before the smaller bull was too injured to continue the fight . With ropes we had made by weaving strips of skins we managed to get the rope around the bull 's neck we managed to get him out of the gate . We sent the boys to get the women and the Travois and killed the bull and began butchering . Over the years our herd has grown by natural birth and capturing other females and adding them to our herd . Our Clan was also growing the same way . Most of the females seemed to welcome our presence . Which meant we only had to Isolate the bull to be able to work with the cows . Gurk had noticed that after a calf suckled a few drops of milk was on one of her teats . He reached down gently so as not to startle the cow and stroked the teat . To his surprise a stream of milk shot out . He had Malo bring him a pot . He directed the milk into the pot filling it to the top . He lifted the pot to his lips and sipped , his eyes flew open and he took an even bigger drink then handed the pot to Malo who also took a drink . The milk was very rich and creamy and tasted delicious . Back at the Camp Ludi was working on her own experiment . She had begun to take seed pods from plants they had eaten and herbs for medicine and had put them in the ground and watered them and they began to grow . Mondo had watched the process and liked what he saw . He suggested that she have the children collect the seed pods from the grasses . Ludi questioned this . . . we do not eat grass . Mondo explained he was afraid that the cows would eat all of the grass in the canyon . This way they could scatter the seeds all over the canyon and maybe it would grow and help feed the cows . Mondo heard his named being called , he turned , and there was Malo with Gurk holding out a pot saying " drink , drink . " Mondo took the pot and tasted and with a look of surprise handed the pot to Ludi . After one taste Ludi was all questions . . . What is it , where did you get it , can you get more ? Gurk explained what had happened and that the cow seemed to want the milk removed as if it was too full . Malo suggested we try to give some to Lorn 's baby since Lorn had dried up and had no milk for her baby . Mondo hollered at Drago to get Lorn and her Baby . When Lorn arrived with her baby , Ludi stuck her finger in the milk and dribbled some over the baby 's mouth . The baby began reaching and its mouth began suckling movement . Lorn immediately stuck her finger and copied Ludi 's movement . Earlier Mondo had thought that this valley had no winter . It Did , but not severe and it only lasted about a month . When it snowed the center of the valley would be deep with the snow maybe a foot deep . The rest of the valley would only get a dusting . Outside the Bramble Gate the snow would be in drifts up to 6 feet deep . The Clan had many discussions about this . . . They concluded that the valley was formed between Mountains and the mountains had closed in at the top limiting the amount of snow that reached the ground before melting . When the sickness hit the Clan I was one of the last to catch it I watched as some recovered and some died . When it seemed to have passed there were only 3 men left to hunt and 8 still to weak to do very much we had our minds set on our recovery but the fever kept popping back up and more men and women had died . The Clan was near decimated , 5 men . 4 women and 6 children was all that were left . Tondar was fighting to keep the Clan going but every decision he made Grog questioned which caused unrest in the Tribe . After almost 4 years I finally had my strength back , Jonda , Tondar 's brother never recovered his full strength and could not be allowed to go on a hunt alone . By now the younger ones that had been trained by the hunters now ranked as full Hunters . Food was getting short , It was decided after much arguing by Grog that each of us would scout for big game and Jonda would watch the camp . I headed in a general direction of Southwest we had agreed we would scout for three days and on the fourth we would return and report . On the 3rd day I had reached our old Summer camp , the fire burnt ground had given way to new growth . I searched the area and found old foot prints but nothing new . I decided I had gone far enough and would get a good nights sleep and start back early . I had killed a rabbit with my sling and I cleaned it and put it on a stick over the fire . While it cooked I thought about the problems with the tribe . They did not work as a family unit . Grog seemed to want to take over the leadership not realizing no one would follow him . Tondar realized this but with so few hunters he could not call grog out . What to do ? What to do ? I guess . . . . what was that noise I began to turn and suddenly every thing went black . … . unhunh where am I what happened ? I barely opened my eyes . I was being carried . . . my hands and feet were tied to a bamboo pole . . . and I was being carried by . . . . Oh No ! lomen ! The one carrying my feet saw that I was awake . He spoke in guttural sounds and they stopped and lowered me to the ground . With a few swipes with a flint knife my feet were freed then my hands . After the bamboo pole was removed I was moved forward to another bamboo pole that had 3 men and a woman already had their hands and neck tied to that pole . I joined them . For days and weeks we were marched through the forest . We were given fruit and berries to eat and a water skin twice a day . At night we would talk quietly . I learned that the lomen had raided their village and there were others than the three watching us . Tomorrow they will wait for the other groups to catch up . They are nervous about this area we will be entering , it seems they have lost a few men to the beast who walks with Tigers . What is that I ask . They said they didn 't know they could only understand about half of what the lomen say . The woman was the one who knew the most of their language . She said that many had been killed in this area and their prisoners whisked away . They would find their friends drug way into the forest and their throats would be torn out . Most were not found before the scavengers got to them and then they were a mess . But what of the beast I asked . And she said they don 't know no one has ever seen it . . . just once a footprint was found and it was huge . I thought about the beast and all the prisoners that had disappeared . The biggest foot I had ever seen was Mondo 's , but he had been dead for over 5 years . But Mondo . . . that is how he got his name ; at birth his feet were bigger than a two year old . Mondo means Huge . . . naugh it couldn 't be . But … what if . . . . Mondo decided to take all three cats runt needed to sample a kill . . . it had been awhile . They left early the next morning through the Bramble Gate . They had been following the dry wash for only a mile when Bruno stopped and looked over his shoulder at Mondo and rumbled deep in his throat . Sondi and Runt slipped in amongst the group . I put my hand on them and could feel them trembling . This told me it was not game ahead . I motioned everybody down and waited . Then I heard voices and crashing through the bushes . . . . lomen . . . they always traveled on the top alongside the wash . I always traveled the bottom of the wash . The top of the wash had bushes that blocked off the view of the actual Wash . We waited and let them pass . I tell my friends I heard human voices as well . We turned and followed them we knew where they would stop . . . they never learn . Sure enough they stopped in the same location , a clearing that I had rescued the first of my clan . We waited for them to settle down . I had Drago climb up the hole near the downed tree . As soon as we attacked he would start cutting the people loose . Finally they began to nap with one awake , he hears a noise and turns around and Runt charges and bites down on his privates . . . I don 't know whats with that cat . The Guard screams and Shad drives his spear into the guards throat . The other two lomen scream " The Beast " and instead of turning to fight they turned in fright . If it had not been for Sondi and Bruno we would have not been able to catch them . They ran them down from behind Sondi took a bite out of the upper right thigh which cause the lomen to crash to the ground with Malo right behind , he drove his spear all the way through the back and into his heart . Bruno took down the third one by himself . He leaped high catching the lomen in the center of the back as the lomen hit the ground Bruno drove his tusks into the back of the lomen 's neck . The neck snapped instantly all I had to do was smile . As usual we drug the bodies out into the bush away from the trail . When Shad and I got back the prisoners were free , I heard a gasp and a voice saying it is you . I looked over and was surprised to see Lateen , I grabbed him and gave him a big hug . The woman looked at me then at my feet and said , " You are the Beast " then she drew back We walked them to the Bramble Gate and inside . I told them we would rescue the rest of their tribe then they would have a choice . To either go back to their hunting grounds or to join our clan . The next morning the next group of captives arrived there were 6 of them and 4 guards . Mondo could sense the uneasiness of the lomen . It was obvious they were concerned not to find the first group waiting for them . I sent Bruno off to the right and instructed him to roar . When he did the lomen panicked . This was what Mondo was expecting , as t he lomen tried to runaway Sondi and Runt charge them from behind . Shad and Drago arose in front of them with spears at the ready . They thrust forward with their spears , Drago 's spear striking only the club the lomen was caring . The lomen raised his club preparing to strike at Drago when Mondo and Bruno arrived . Never slowing down Bruno hit the loman in the chest knocking him down and Mondo landed on the loman 's midsection as he sliced at the lomans throat with his knife . It was over as fast as it started , they walked back to the captives all free now . Thanks to Malo . Mondo looked over the group 2 women three teenagers , a boy and 2 girls , and one man . Mondo sent the boys and Runt with the freed captives to the bramble gate . He gave them instructions to remain in the wash near the hole under the fallen tree and to hold Runt back till he signaled . Just before the sun went down the last group arrived , they too seemed concerned that the others were not waiting for them . Mondo and Shad had climbed a tree either side of the trail where it left the clearing . Bruno was in the bushes behind them . Sondi had been following the lomen , the exits to the clearing were blocked off . One of the lomen backed up near the hole where the boys were waiting , he was looking all around the clearing he was uncomfortable . He could smell blood , the other four guards were also uneasy . As the guards heel came down on the edge of the hole … a bird whistled , a lion roared and the guard disappeared down the hole . The boys had each grabbed a leg and yanked the guard into the hole . Before he could recover Runt had removed his throat then leaped into the clearing and was now facing the other four Guards . Mondo and Shad leaped out of their trees driving their spears into the chests of two of the guards . The last two had no chance at all . They turned to run back and came face to face with Sondi and Runt as they stopped Bruno hit them from the rear . Drago and Malo were cutting the captives free . This bunch consisted of 3 females 2males a child about 10 and a baby in the arms of one of the women . All together we had rescued 17 , 16 from one village and Lateen from Mondo 's home clan . After they had all the people in to the cave Mondo and his hunters really needed to hunt and set out at once . Ludi took the newcomers in hand and talked to them . By the time the hunters had returned with their kills it had already been decided . All of the Villagers except for the woman and the baby had decided to go back to their Village . The woman with the baby was just too weak to make the trip and the lomen had killed her husband . Mondo 's Clan furnished all the men with spears including the teenage boy this made them a force to be reckoned with . 9 Spear men and 2 Big Cats . I think they would relish meeting up with some lomen . The women were pulling the travois and each travois had at least 4 extra spears on it . Three days into their trek they got their wish . Thanks to the Cats they were ready , the women and children gathered in the center the men squatted around them with their spears angled out to protect the women . The lomen charged out of the bushes screaming and waving their clubs . Mondo and Lateen stood and began throwing their spears with the women handing them more . The lomen were surprised when the Cats attacked from behind . The cats forced the lomen onto the anchored spears and the Villagers stabbed with malice . They were angry and wanted revenge . By the time it was all over there were 11 dead lomen and four wounded . No one planned to take prisoners , they would be finished off ' . The Villagers had 2 men with broken bones and one dead . It was obvious that the women were proud of their men . One of the injured had a broken shoulder . The loman got through and caught him with its club . One of the women picked up a spear and stabbed the loman multiple times . The other women jumped in and it was a Melee after that . Three weeks later we entered their village . Each travois was loaded with meat and furs , we had hunted on the way . We were met by the village chief and the medicine man . After they conquered their fear of the Cats we were welcomed with open arms . The people we had returned to their village equaled over a third of the Village population and were wife 's and daughters and fathers and sons . They were very important to the Village . They threw us a feast that night and we departed early the next morning . Lateen assured Mondo that they only had two more days till they reached the Cave of Tondars clan . He also told him about the discontent Grog had caused . Lateen said he was sure that Grog had beaten Mondo 's mother but could not prove it . . Mondo informed him he needed no proof . . . Grog had tried to kill him and that was enough he was going to call him out . . 13 Lateen informed Mondo the cave was just over the rise . Mondo stepped out a little faster . A big Cat to either side and the Sun behind him Mondo looked like a Golden Giant . The people of the Clan raised their hands to shade their eyes trying to identify the image before them . Lateen picked this time to step into the view . He hollered , " Hello the Camp " … . Tondar yelled it is Lateen . Sonda began to run to meet her Dad but seeing one of the Big Cats step forward caused her to stop . Grog walked out of the cave … Silence fell over the Camp as Mondo 's voice bellowed out . . . " Grog . . . you tried to Kill Me . . . For that I Call you OUT ! " Mondo did not hesitate he walked straight to Grog and one huge fist crashed into Grogs face . The blow knocked grog to the ground . Mondo systemically beat Grog senseless . No one tried to stop the carnage , Bruno and Sondi were walking a circle around the combatants . Grog tried to grab a spear to use against Mondo . But an enraged Mondo just brushed it aside and continued to beat his antagonist to a pulp . Mondo slowly began to stop the beating and backed off looking at the fat glob of jelly at his feet . Mondo turned and looked at Tondar By my decree and the laws of the Clan . . . I claim all Grogs Possessions an banish him from the Clan . Tondar smiled and asked , " What about your Mother ? " Sonda , now a young woman and a clan hunter put her arms around Mondo , " I have waited for you and I claim you as a Hunter 's right . " Mondo returned her hug and made a movement with his fingers . When Sonda turned she found herself facing one of the Big Cats , " Sonda meet Sondi . We accept you . " Lateen began unloading the travois and putting meat on to cook . Every one just walked around Grog until Mondo grabbed his feet and drug him outside the camp and dumped him there . As he walked into camp Lateen was telling everyone of Momd 's Clan and that there was no need to move camp twice a year and there was a medicine woman and a good life . Tondar spoke with Socar who had been Grog 's Hunter trainee . He asked him how he felt about the banishment of Grog . . . Socar says the only thing he hate about it is he did not get to do the beating himself . When they would go on a hunt , Grog would belittle him and hit him when he did not do as Grog said . Grog was a mean man . I now wish to learn from Mondo . As time went by on the trail the hunters hunted at their leisure . The nearer they came to their new home the more excited they became . Then the day came , before Mondo could remove the Brambles Gate there was an outpouring of children and Runt . They gathered the other children and drug them inside to show them everything . Mondo began doing the same with the adults . When they reached the other end of the cave they all stood silently staring at the beautiful valley . Our huts were beginning to take the shape of permanent structures . There was no need for temporary shelters anymore . Tondar wanted to know everything about the cattle , the meat smoking , and especially about the Milk . They sat around a campfire and talked way into the night . One of the topics they discussed was leadership of the Clan . It was very obvious that this was Mondo 's clan but Tondar had always been Mondo 's Chief . They discussed what should they do ? Sharlu spoke to Tondar , he nodded his head , " Mondo I am getting old , I have a new wife , it is time for youth to lead the Clan . As long as I am alive I will advise you as needed but You are now Chief . " I think this a very good story and if people cant follow your writing then they need to go back to dr . Seuss and start over . I follow it just fine . I love your imagination and cant wait to read more . Thank you for all your stories . There are a few spelling errors but not enough to turn me off the story . Great job . Keep up the awesome writing . It seems odd that there are so many people that seem to know more about what I am writing more than I do . I decided to explain . this did not occur on earth but on another world . And for the few of you who saw racism in my story . There are lomen but no Highmen . lomen are a race of people that were changed by their environment . For the person who felt Mondo had a college education , certain references were for the readers who might not understand abstract thinking , If you are so smart then you write my story yourself .
|
I am Mondo when my story began I was 16 years old . My Father was killed by a cave bear 5 years earlier and my Mother was claimed by Grog . . . . Grog hates me . The men are gathering for a hunt , we are traveling to a summer camp and need to have meat for the trek . Grog kicks me because he says I am too slow . . . . . soon , very soon I will challenge him . He says my big feet make me clumsy . The men are ready to hunt and the Head man Tondor calls us to move out . Lateen has spotted a herd of Bison not to far from our camp . We will trail them and set up an ambush . Tondor tells Grog and I to move ahead on the right while Lateen and Gorbus does the same to the left . I ease behind a rock with my spear in hand when something startles the herd and they began running towards me . I hear a grunt and look over my shoulder and see Grog swinging his club at my head . My movement caused the blow to be a stunning blow instead of killing me it knocked me unconscious and I fell in to the stampede . Luckily there was a dead tree that had fallen and lay in their path and my lifeless body rolled under its branches . I opened my eyes , my head hurt and I could hardly see . I try to stand but could not . I check and I still had my water skin . I took a drink and poured some over my head . Slowly very slowly I began to come to my senses . Grog tried to kill me before I could challenged him . Grog was about 5 ' tall and weighed about 200 lbs . I on the other hand stood at 6 ' and weighed about the same but where Grog was fat mine was muscle . One day I will take him down , maybe today when I get back to camp . I found my spear and using it as a staff I made my way back to camp . Before I made it to the camp area I realized something was very wrong , no smoke , as I rounded the boulder that marked the entrance to the box canyon where the camp had been for months . Before me was a barren area no huts no people . . . I was alone . . . I collapsed to the ground . The Clan probably thought I was dead , Grog would have told them that I got caught in the stampede . That was when I also realized that I did not know how long I was out , as weak as I felt it could have been days . I knew where there were some berry vines near by and I went to them that at least gave me a bit of nourishment . After I had eaten my fill of the berries I made my way back to where the stampede had occurred . I followed in the Bison 's wake . I don 't know what I was expecting but … where else was I to go , I had been following for hours when I noticed a carcass . As I drew near I could see a spear sticking out of the Bison 's belly . It must have eluded the Clan and died slowly . I took my flint knife and began the process of skinning it . Before I was half done I decided to build a fire to keep predators away . I gathered wood and pulled out my fire stones struck them together and directed the sparks to the tinder and in moments I had my fire I fed it larger pieces of wood till I had a raging fire . I cut off some of the meat and placed it on a stone near the fire . Just by accident , a few years ago a hunk of meat was dropped into the coals of our fire . Some time later my Father noticed the tantalizing smell from the cooking meat he raked it out , brushed it off and took a bite . We each tried a piece of the cooked meat and now often cooked our meat . I stood up from placing the meat and went back to the skinning of the bison . There was a stream near by so I decided to just stay right where I was . I made Racks and hung pieces of meat to smoke and to dry . I staked out the Bison skin and began to scrape the hide and tan it . I stayed there for a week and ate my fill and although I heard predators almost every night my fire seemed to keep them at bay . I found some small trees with straight trunks about an inch to an inch and a half in diameter . I cut two about eight feet long then I cut smaller ones to make a spread of about three foot . These I tied to the longer poles to make a travois . I cut a lot of thin strips from the Bison skin for this and more to tie the skin and and the meat to the travois . Grog set looking into the campfire thinking about how his plan to get rid of Mondo had worked so well , he laughed to himself . It was even better than he had planed , Mondo had fell right in front of the stampede . He laughs to himself nothing left of Mondo . Mondo 's mother was sure that Grog was at fault for her sons death but was afraid to say anything . She knew that Grog would beat her and leave her behind . So she kept her thoughts to herself . Lateen 's daughter Sonda was heartbroken . . . Even though she was only eleven she had a crush on Mondo . Mondo was the tallest , strongest and most handsome and Sonda knew that one day he would pick her . . . She just had to grow a little bit . . . well since her chest was flat and she was as skinny as a bamboo shoot , maybe a lot of growing . Mondo lifted the poles to his shoulders and began his search for the Clan . It was at least a moon to the summer camp . He had made a sling from a couple of strands cut from the bison skin and kept the sling in his hand as he walked . By the time he stopped for the day he had three Rabbits and a badger . He had gutted them while walking then when he stopped he finished skinning them . Mondo was bent over scrapping the badger pelt when he heard a roar . . . He grabbed his spear and turned , he barley had time to set himself as a saber - tooth Tiger launched itself toward him . Mondo dropped to his knees and steadied his spear . The Tiger hit the spear and drove the spear into its chest the force of the impact carried the tiger over and past Mondo ripping the spear out of his hands . Mondo grabbed for his flint knife and leaped on to the tigers back and with the razor sharp flint knife attacked the throat of the tiger . The force of the Tiger landing broke the spear in half . The blade of the spear pierced the heart of the beast as it slung Mondo off its back . It roared then dropped at Mondo 's feet … dead . Mondo had closed his eyes because he knew he was dead . . . nothing happened … . he opened his eyes to see the tiger at his feet , then he shook . He had no time to fall apart . He gathered wood and built a large fire . He began skinning the Tiger noting the fact that it was a female and looked like it may have been nursing . Mondo staked out the tiger skin out to make scraping easier . Then he drug the carcass away from camp . Returning to the camp he found three kittens eating his rabbits that he had planned on having himself . Well he thought that answers the question about if the Tiger had kits or not . . Mondo picked up the rabbits and stuck them on sticks over the fire . He cut the badger into small pieces and fed it to the kits . They ate their fill then curled up next to Mondo and went to sleep . The next morning Mondo went back to the tigers carcass . . . it was almost clean nothing but bones left . He looked around and found the head and removed the Saber - tooth . Being about six inches long they would be good for stabbing . He headed back to camp the kits were playing and nipping at the badger bones . He staked out the tiger skin and went to work on scrapping . Mondo lifted the poles and started off it had been three days preparing the tiger skin , the kits played around his feet . They would take a few steps and look back and mew . Then run to catch up then repeat , they were not sure what to do for Mondo kept on walking . This went on for over an hour then the kits started drifting farther back . Until Mondo heard a mournful cry and an answering growl . . . . a coyote looking for an easy meal . Why ? Mondo does not know but he dropped the poles grabbed the half spear and attacked the coyote . Being a coward the coyote ran away … well just out of reach . . . Mondo scratched his head wondering why he did some of the things he did . He walked back to the tired and scared kits and picked up one turned it over … it was a male he said " You are Bruno " . The next had tabby stripes and was female for some reason it reminded him of Lateen 's daughter , " You are Sondi . " The last one was small but male Mondo laughed at the struggles and said " You are Runt . " He carried them back to the carrier and placed them on the skins . They settled down to sleep . As the days passed the kits would get down from the carrier run and play till they tired then they would climb back up and go to sleep . Mondo began to notice a slight chill in the air he began to worry that there might be a late snow storm coming . He started searching for a place to hold up and wait it out . With the aid of his sling he had plenty of meat to last so that was no worry but he did need to find a straight pole to make into a spear . Another hour of walking and he noticed a stand of trees that had a few saplings the perfect length for his spear . . . if he could find the right stones maybe he could chip out three or four spear heads . He began to look for good flints and collected a few and cut down a few saplings . As Mondo set down to began shaping the spear heads he heard a scream , He took his half spear and moved off in the direction of the scream . He was walking in a dry stream bed , as he walked he would pick up rocks to use with his sling if needed . He could tell he was getting close by the grunting just ahead of him . As he rounded a bend he saw something he had only heard about . Before him was what his dad had called lomen their bodies were twisted as was their faces they were eaters of men . The lomen were broad in the body and strong and there were three of them . One of them was eating on the leg bone of a man they had ripped apart . The other two were trying to pull something from under the bramble bushes next to the rocks . From the screams I could tell it was a female and that the thorns was all that was between her and these monsters . I loaded my sling and let fly hitting the eater in the temple . . . he dropped the leg and fell forward . I reloaded just as one of the other turned toward me I let fly the rock catching him in the fore head . Before I could reload the last one had turned and charged me . Before he could reach me three tawny dynamos went streaking past one grabbed an ankle , one grabbed the most private parts causing him to raise his head which gave Bruno the chance he needed and latched on to his throat . As the monster went down I planted my half spear in to his chest and pressed it into his heart . I called the Kits off . I had not noticed but they had grown and their Milk teeth had been replaced by the beginning of their tusks , I chuckled that lomen probably was very surprised when those clamped on his privates . 4 " Who are you ? " " I am Mondo a lone hunter lost from my Clan . " " I am going to cut the Brambles back " I took my knife and cleared an opening through the brambles . I was surprised to find there was a cave behind the brambles . The opening was about four foot across and tall but once in side the cave it was at least eight foot tall . As I entered the first thing I saw was an eight year old playing with runt beside her was her mother and three other women and two boys about ten . The man who had been ripped apart was the only adult male with them . They were looking at me with fear , I glanced to either side and realized that Bruno and Sondi were escorting me . I will be right back I will get rid of the bodies and get my gear and then I will return . I drug the bodies a good ways away so predators would not come close to the cave . I checked them for weapons but all they had was clubs , which I had no use for . I drug my travois inside the cave and made numerous trips back outside to bring in firewood . Then I drug the Brambles back to cover the entrance . Then I looked at the people still standing in the same place that I had left them . . " Please at least sit down , I am not here to hurt you if you wish to leave I will not stop you . Do what you wish . " I decided to leave them alone and light a fire . I unloaded the travois and spread the the furs the kittens crawled right on the furs and Lil the eight year old who had been playing with Runt followed him onto the furs . One by one they began to sit on the furs and the boys asked if it was alright to pet the kittens . Sondi answered by rubbing on their legs , Bruno was not far behind . I continued getting the fire started and started some rabbits to roasting . I am Mondo I will finish telling my story . I noticed that some of the smoke drifted down the roof line of the cave then disappeared . I lit a length of wood and and used it as a torch . I walked farther in to the cave the two boys and Sondi and Bruno followed . About fifty feet inward we found a stream that ran along the right wall . The cats smelled the water and took a drink . I dipped my hand in , the water was cold and sweet . We walked on for about a hundred feet the cave made a turn to the left and opened up to a vast room with a pool almost twenty to thirty feet across . There was some kind of Moss on the cave walls that gave off light . I no longer need the torch so I put it out by covering it with dirt . . I walked across the room and could see an opening ahead of me . When I reached the opening I was shocked to see a beautiful valley . A river flowed from out of the ground at the base of the mountain . Wild game was abundant , berries were evident as well as herbs and spices all were in sight . Mondo turned to the boys , " Bring me the torch and I will relight it then I want you to go bring every one here . " I continued to gaze at the Valley trying to judge its size the best guess was it was at least 10 miles long and 5 wide but would know better when I had a chance to explore . While the boys were gone I walked out into the Valley and looked around . I felt like I was home , the cave had shelter and fresh water and the Valley had all the food we could eat . I was standing in front of the cave with my arms lifted up towards the sky as the others stepped out of the cave . Lil and her mother Ludi were first out of the cave they walked up to me and asked where are we . Ludi says When we left the other end it was snowing but . . but . . here the sun is shining and it is warm . Everyone gathered around all were amazed at what they saw . One of the women , Pori , made the comment we could live here and no one would know . . " Moli and Star the other two women spoke together " we need to go get our things . " I knew then I had been accepted for , our things they refer too was the items I had unloaded from my travois . But they were right we needed the things moved to this end . We all went back together . The first night we slept on the furs it was close sleeping , in the middle of the night I awoke with an arm draped across my body stroking my chest and stomach . . I started to turn over when a voice said shhhh . I lay there enjoying the feeling and not knowing who was doing the rubbing . That night I had pleasant dreams . And when I awoke the next morning the ladies were out gathering herbs Ludi was directing them . . . that 's when I found out she was a medicine woman apprentice , And Lil 's mother . The whole group had been tied together after being captured by the lomen . They had been walking for hours when the leader of the lomen called a halt . He pointed to three of his group and speaking in a language they did not understand . Ludi assumed he was assigning the three to watch them . Their guards pushed them down near a large downed tree . The lomen had not noticed that there was a hole under the tree which led to the dry stream bed and eventually to the cave . Lil found the hole . She told her mother and Ludi whispered to the others . Then they waited . Later into the night the lomen began to drowse when she felt it safe she lowered Lil into the hole and one at a time they all slipped away . The man was the last and he slipped and fell making enough noise to awaken the lomen . They ran as fast as they could then Ludi saw the brambles and every one tried to slip under them when the lomen grabbed the man and literally ripped him apart . One of the other lomen was reaching under the brambles and had grabbed on to Star . . . . That is when Mondo arrived and took out the lomen . Mondo took charge and Ludi was glad to let him besides she was physically attracted to him . Mondo had checked each one of them to make sure no one was injured . And they all stood there in fear not knowing what to do next . Mondo began working on his spears he stripped the bark from the saplings . And stood the hafts near the fire to begin the drying out and hardening of the shafts . He took the stones and began working on the blades for the spearheads . Drago and Malo sat close watching his every move . Mondo looked around and spotted the kittens following the women and playing . The women seemed to take the presence of the Saber - tooth cats as natural . After making four spear blades and rotating the shafts Mondo decided it was time to look over the Valley . He gather a few rocks and his sling and motioned to the boys , they fell in behind him . Mondo saw a small herd of bison , many rabbits , a variety of birds and goats and sheep and many other animals . They all seemed to be food animals other than small carnivores there did not seem to be any large predators . There was no evidence of Tigers , bears or wolves . The most dangerous animal he saw was bovine . One breed had horns about six feet in length . The deer population was abundant and they counted the points on a large Stag as three hands plus two fingers . I thought about what I had done … into this peaceful valley I had introduced three top of the line predators . They may be young now but … one day . I guess I would have to train them . And let them hunt in the forest from the bramble bush entrance . I decided my estimate of the size of the Valley was close very close but probably the valley was a bit larger . In the distance Mondo could see a dark area which he felt could be another cave . . . maybe another exit . One day he vowed to walk all of the valley . . . Then he would know . When he and the boys returned the camp seemed to be empty . . . Mondo was worried , with spear at the ready he entered camp . Then he heard laughter from inside the cave . He and the boys entered the cave and was met with the sight of Star completely nude and the others all waist deep in the pool . . . also nude . They saw him and the boys and waved to them , come in come in there is a hot springs in the pool . Mondo looked around at the boys but was too late they had already dropped their clothes and were running for the water . Mondo shed his own skins to the oohs and aahs of the adult women . Mondo didn 't have to do anything just walk into the pool . The women met him and began to wash him even Lil tried to help but the women said no . The slings kept us in food and skins for clothes . There was a plant that had blades that looked like swords , the thorn on the end of the sword could be broken off and a thin thread like piece about two feet long could be pulled out of the sword , this made for a perfect needle and thread . The thorn would reform after about two weeks so the needle and thread was constantly replaced as long as the sword was not cut . I taught all how to use the slings and they all seemed to be naturals . It was a pleasant life though I wished for more men to go after bigger game and … I missed my mother . Mondo 's mother , Sharlu , did not know how much more she could take . Since Mondo had been killed Grog seemed to look for things to get angry about . . . and he beat her . Tondor saw this and tried to ignore it but he to had been casting his eyes at the comeliness of Sharlu . Ever since his wife had died he had thought to claim a new wife , but by the laws of the tribe Grog had acted first and Sharlu was his . If Tondar ever actually saw Grog beating Sharlu . . . . He would Challenge Grog . But now was not the time . A sickness had swept through the Clan , Tobar the medicine Man worked with them all until he too became sick Before it was over they had lost six children , five men including Tobar and eight women . The Clan was really hurting there was only eleven men , five women and ten children . Of the ten children only three were over twelve and only one was male . Some of the men were still very weak only three hunters were available to feed the Clan . No Tondar thinks , today is not a good day to challenge . Grog is needed . Today Star asked to go on the hunt with Mondo and he agreed . They were about three miles from the Camp when Star dropped to her Knees and put her head to the ground and pulled her clothing to the side baring her delightful butt . As she wiggled her butt she tells Mondo she wants a baby . Having never done this before Mondo squatted behind her and tried to enter her . After the fourth miss Star reached between her legs , took him in hand and guided him into her velvet glove . Mondo had never felt anything like this before and he went wild bouncing Star all over the ground . Then he felt a strange sensation and he grabbed her hips and shoved himself all the way into Star , His release was like an explosion and as the feeling receded . Mondo collapsed at Stars feet , the rest of the morning was spent the same way . They finished their hunt and Star told him the other women were waiting their turn . They had decided that their tribe needed more people . Mondo walked around the rest of the day with a big grin on his face just thinking … he would get to do this to the other women too . As they arrived back at camp everyone knew that Star had been successful and every time the other women would walk past Mondo they would twitch their tail at him . Even Lil as young as she was got in on the tail twitching . Two months later all the women were pregnant and Lil was asking her Mother why she couldn 't be pregnant too . Mondo was training the Cats and as they became larger he began taking them out into the forest past the Bramble gate . The Cats had made a good kill and I was dragging my travois with the meat and pelt down the gully when Bruno came to a stop and I could here a rumble in Sondi 's throat . Runt was crouched in his attack mode . I made a downward push with my hands , I had trained them that this meant to crouch down and wait . I crawled forward and spotted three lomen guarding a line of captives . My Cats hated lomen . I counted the prisoners , two men , six women and five children under twelve , two boys and three girls . We followed knowing they would stop for a rest soon . When they stopped we waited till two of the lomen began to nap . Then I stood up with my sling and bounced a rock off the guards temple killing him instantly . The guards falling awakened the other two lomen they began to rise but stopped when they felt the paws on their chest . Bruno and Sondi made one slash and opened the throats of the two . Runt not to be out done ripped out the throat of the one I had killed . I released one of the captives and instructed her to release the others while I got rid of the lomen . I looked around at the captives and told them not to worry about the Cats , they are tame . I told them to follow us to Paradise . I picked up my Travois and led them to the bramble gate . When we stepped out at the other end they were speechless . They blended in with the rest of our fast growing Clan . Even though two of the women were wife 's of the two men Mondo was informed it was his job to get them pregnant the first time . Because I was strong and brave and this they wanted their first born to be also . They meant first born of their new Clan because one of the children , a little girl named Rena was the daughter of the wife of one of the men . Rena was less than a year old . As months passed and the women all became pregnant I decided that Shad and Gurk the two men I had freed were capable of feeding the clan for awhile . I decided to make another search for my Mother and Tondor 's Clan . I carried my Travois and 3 spears and Bruno and Sondi . Runt I left with Ludi to help protect the clan . I took no food except for one meal and two water skins . As I departed the bramble gate I covered it with fresh brambles and scouted the area to make sure no lomen had been around . Game seemed to be plentiful and I decided to just use my sling I felt there was no reason to kill any large game on the way out . No sense of packing pelts both directions . I sent Sondi to scout ahead and Bruno to make sweeps around us . By night fall we had had no problems and I had killed enough small game to feed myself and the Cats . I built up a fire and snuggled between the Cats and drifted off to sleep . The next morning we continued our trek . . . the Cats seemed to be uneasy and I noticed the quietness around us . . . There is something wrong . . . now I need to find out what . The Hackles on Bruno 's neck were standing straight up and Sondi had moved about six feet from me also facing toward the direction that Bruno was facing . I picked up one of my spears and backed between two boulders that were about eighteen inches apart . I still have no idea what I am about to face . Then Bruno roars and is answered by a roar that chills even the best hunter . . . . a Cave Bear it roared out of the bushes on all fours . When it saw Bruno it stood on it 's hind legs it was at least fifteen foot tall . Then the bear looked me straight in the eye , Bruno attacked . . . The bear just knocked him aside as if he weren 't even there . It dropped back to all fours and charged toward me . I set myself with my spear , just before the bear reached me a tawny missile struck the bear behind it 's left front leg . Sondi held on . Then Bruno struck from the rear . The bear reared up again , as its head was raising up I struck with my spear straight for the throat . The first spear did not penetrate very far but it seemed to con fuse the bear . He swung his mighty paw but he hit the boulder instead of me . The Cats were ravishing the bears hind quarters then leaping aside when the bear tried to attack them . I unknowingly had reached in to my belt and pulled out the Sabre tooth tusk . Sondi takes another chunk out of the bears front leg , the bear turns its head to the side , I see my chance and I pounce . With all my might I jam the Sabre tooth in to the ear canal of the bear which penetrates the brain . Not realizing it is dead the bear swings back at me . . . I back off , the bear roars and falls dead at my feet . I check my Cats both seem to be limping from the tossing around but no bleeding is evident . I skin the bear . I took the skin and a little of the meat . I really hated to leave all that meat but predators and scavengers would be all over us . We traveled on till we came to a stream and there we camped till I finished with the Bearskin . This took almost a week after that I would work with it after my days travel . 9 Babies The women at the cave began to give birth Star was first then Pora , Lorn , Ludi and Moli . All boys except Star her daughter was called Little Star . Ludi named her boy Mondu son of Mondo and as she was the Medicine Woman she ruled the roost while Mondo was gone . Ludi was sure that by the time Mondo came home all the babies will be born even little Yo ' te the last to get pregnant . The men and boys kept the camp supplied with meat . Every day one of the boys and Runt would go to the bramble gate and watch . The two men pulled their own weight Shad was a spear maker and Grug was a potter he made pots and bowls for everyone . . . . . but they all seemed to miss Mondo his strength and leadership was missed . Tondar is worried only 3 hunters left , Himself , Grog and Hobar each has been training one of the children . Tondar is training Lateen 's Daughter Sonda who is already good with a sling . Hobar has the other 12 y . o . girl Goba and Grog is training the 13 y . o . boy Socar . It is proving to be very difficult to feed everyone . With as many that are still weak and sick they were unable to move to winter grounds . Luckily they had found a cave that was an air vent of a near dormant Volcano . Heat still permeated the cave area from hot gasses so they only needed fire if they wished to cook . Each hunter pair went out alone only time the whole group would go out on a hunt was if large game was spotted . At that time the women who were strong enough would make Travois to help skinning and hauling of the meat if a kill was made . Sadly this was rare . . 10 Fifteen days later Mondo arrived at the Clans Summer camp he was disheartened to see the barren burned out area . He searched around but could not tell if the Clan had been here when the fire occurred or if the fire was older . He stayed there another 10 days making scouting circles in all directions . All he could really tell was the Cats were uneasy in this burned out area . Two days ago the cats had brought down a deer . Mondo cut it up and fed them big chunks of the meat and worked on the hide . He decided that in the morning he would head back . He had to admit he missed his new clan . The next morning after a quick look around he began his trek homeward . Bruno began his scout and Sondi took point Mondo could tell they were happy to be leaving this place . Days turned into weeks it had been an easy trip except for twice the Cats had warned him of lomen on the prowl . Mondo took the cats in the bushes and told them to be silent and they watched the lomen searching for new captives . Their smell was overpowering even more so when two of them sat down to rest less than twenty paces away . The Cats didn 't like it either but I was able to keep them quiet . Then they decided to take a nap , That was more than I or the Cats could take . I turned them loose , in seconds there was two less lomen in these woods . It was a thing of beauty to watch them work now that they had nearly reached their full growth . Bruno was about five foot at the front shoulder and about four foot at the hind quarters . Sondi was just inches smaller not that it mattered and Runt at the cave was a full foot smaller but I think Runt was faster than his brother and sister . I could see the dry wash ahead once I entered it I would be close to a mile from Bramble Gate . Now silence was really needed the path above the dry wash was made by the lomen as they carry their captives to their home area . . . Where ever that is . But today it was clear . We made it to Bramble gate as we neared the brambles began to move and out came Drago and Runt . I motioned them back inside and the Cats and I followed . All I could think about for the past hour was the hot springs . , When I reached them I began dropping things , by the time I was at the springs I was nude and walked out into the pool and sank down and closed my eyes . After a few sighs I opened my eyes and was met by ten women all carrying a baby . My mouth dropped open and I asked " Where did all the Babies come from ? " The only answer I got was smiles . I was Home . I stood on the bank of our river I looked across at the stately trees on the other side . It has been 4 years since we had found our valley . We had learned how to smoke our meat , there was an indention in the wall of the cave passage near room sized . It was near the smoke hole , we had left some meat on drying racks in this room and the smoke from our cook fire passed over it . When we tried this meat we were surprised by the taste . We tried raw meat on the racks and the results were great . We were able to make fewer large kills and no meat was wasted . Yes this was truly a wonderful valley . I walked into the River at this point the water just reached my knees . Along the far bank the women were gathering berries in to pots Gurk had made . I noticed a river otter playing with the children , Malo had found it when it was a pup and raised it . We were as one with the animals . Shad and Gruk and the boys and I did most of our major hunts out the bramble gate . That way we had the help of the Cats , they were still not used in the valley . The only time we hunted inside the valley was when it was winter at the bramble gate . Soon not even then . Malo and Drago had herded 5 of the bovine creatures into a box canyon and had taken brush and blocked off their escape . Later we had cut poles and using a crisscross method at the corners and ends of the poles we had built a fence with a gate . There were three females and 2 males there was plenty of food for them and a branch off the river made water available . It wasn 't till breeding time that we found there was a problem with the mix . The two males fought for the right to breed . We watched the fight the larger bull had horns 18 " long on either side of his head . The smaller only had one horn the other had been broken off some time earlier , he was clearly at a disadvantage . It didn 't take long before the smaller bull was too injured to continue the fight . With ropes we had made by weaving strips of skins we managed to get the rope around the bull 's neck we managed to get him out of the gate . We sent the boys to get the women and the Travois and killed the bull and began butchering . Over the years our herd has grown by natural birth and capturing other females and adding them to our herd . Our Clan was also growing the same way . Most of the females seemed to welcome our presence . Which meant we only had to Isolate the bull to be able to work with the cows . Gurk had noticed that after a calf suckled a few drops of milk was on one of her teats . He reached down gently so as not to startle the cow and stroked the teat . To his surprise a stream of milk shot out . He had Malo bring him a pot . He directed the milk into the pot filling it to the top . He lifted the pot to his lips and sipped , his eyes flew open and he took an even bigger drink then handed the pot to Malo who also took a drink . The milk was very rich and creamy and tasted delicious . Back at the Camp Ludi was working on her own experiment . She had begun to take seed pods from plants they had eaten and herbs for medicine and had put them in the ground and watered them and they began to grow . Mondo had watched the process and liked what he saw . He suggested that she have the children collect the seed pods from the grasses . Ludi questioned this . . . we do not eat grass . Mondo explained he was afraid that the cows would eat all of the grass in the canyon . This way they could scatter the seeds all over the canyon and maybe it would grow and help feed the cows . Mondo heard his named being called , he turned , and there was Malo with Gurk holding out a pot saying " drink , drink . " Mondo took the pot and tasted and with a look of surprise handed the pot to Ludi . After one taste Ludi was all questions . . . What is it , where did you get it , can you get more ? Gurk explained what had happened and that the cow seemed to want the milk removed as if it was too full . Malo suggested we try to give some to Lorn 's baby since Lorn had dried up and had no milk for her baby . Mondo hollered at Drago to get Lorn and her Baby . When Lorn arrived with her baby , Ludi stuck her finger in the milk and dribbled some over the baby 's mouth . The baby began reaching and its mouth began suckling movement . Lorn immediately stuck her finger and copied Ludi 's movement . Earlier Mondo had thought that this valley had no winter . It Did , but not severe and it only lasted about a month . When it snowed the center of the valley would be deep with the snow maybe a foot deep . The rest of the valley would only get a dusting . Outside the Bramble Gate the snow would be in drifts up to 6 feet deep . The Clan had many discussions about this . . . They concluded that the valley was formed between Mountains and the mountains had closed in at the top limiting the amount of snow that reached the ground before melting . When the sickness hit the Clan I was one of the last to catch it I watched as some recovered and some died . When it seemed to have passed there were only 3 men left to hunt and 8 still to weak to do very much we had our minds set on our recovery but the fever kept popping back up and more men and women had died . The Clan was near decimated , 5 men . 4 women and 6 children was all that were left . Tondar was fighting to keep the Clan going but every decision he made Grog questioned which caused unrest in the Tribe . After almost 4 years I finally had my strength back , Jonda , Tondar 's brother never recovered his full strength and could not be allowed to go on a hunt alone . By now the younger ones that had been trained by the hunters now ranked as full Hunters . Food was getting short , It was decided after much arguing by Grog that each of us would scout for big game and Jonda would watch the camp . I headed in a general direction of Southwest we had agreed we would scout for three days and on the fourth we would return and report . On the 3rd day I had reached our old Summer camp , the fire burnt ground had given way to new growth . I searched the area and found old foot prints but nothing new . I decided I had gone far enough and would get a good nights sleep and start back early . I had killed a rabbit with my sling and I cleaned it and put it on a stick over the fire . While it cooked I thought about the problems with the tribe . They did not work as a family unit . Grog seemed to want to take over the leadership not realizing no one would follow him . Tondar realized this but with so few hunters he could not call grog out . What to do ? What to do ? I guess . . . . what was that noise I began to turn and suddenly every thing went black . … . unhunh where am I what happened ? I barely opened my eyes . I was being carried . . . my hands and feet were tied to a bamboo pole . . . and I was being carried by . . . . Oh No ! lomen ! The one carrying my feet saw that I was awake . He spoke in guttural sounds and they stopped and lowered me to the ground . With a few swipes with a flint knife my feet were freed then my hands . After the bamboo pole was removed I was moved forward to another bamboo pole that had 3 men and a woman already had their hands and neck tied to that pole . I joined them . For days and weeks we were marched through the forest . We were given fruit and berries to eat and a water skin twice a day . At night we would talk quietly . I learned that the lomen had raided their village and there were others than the three watching us . Tomorrow they will wait for the other groups to catch up . They are nervous about this area we will be entering , it seems they have lost a few men to the beast who walks with Tigers . What is that I ask . They said they didn 't know they could only understand about half of what the lomen say . The woman was the one who knew the most of their language . She said that many had been killed in this area and their prisoners whisked away . They would find their friends drug way into the forest and their throats would be torn out . Most were not found before the scavengers got to them and then they were a mess . But what of the beast I asked . And she said they don 't know no one has ever seen it . . . just once a footprint was found and it was huge . I thought about the beast and all the prisoners that had disappeared . The biggest foot I had ever seen was Mondo 's , but he had been dead for over 5 years . But Mondo . . . that is how he got his name ; at birth his feet were bigger than a two year old . Mondo means Huge . . . naugh it couldn 't be . But … what if . . . . Mondo decided to take all three cats runt needed to sample a kill . . . it had been awhile . They left early the next morning through the Bramble Gate . They had been following the dry wash for only a mile when Bruno stopped and looked over his shoulder at Mondo and rumbled deep in his throat . Sondi and Runt slipped in amongst the group . I put my hand on them and could feel them trembling . This told me it was not game ahead . I motioned everybody down and waited . Then I heard voices and crashing through the bushes . . . . lomen . . . they always traveled on the top alongside the wash . I always traveled the bottom of the wash . The top of the wash had bushes that blocked off the view of the actual Wash . We waited and let them pass . I tell my friends I heard human voices as well . We turned and followed them we knew where they would stop . . . they never learn . Sure enough they stopped in the same location , a clearing that I had rescued the first of my clan . We waited for them to settle down . I had Drago climb up the hole near the downed tree . As soon as we attacked he would start cutting the people loose . Finally they began to nap with one awake , he hears a noise and turns around and Runt charges and bites down on his privates . . . I don 't know whats with that cat . The Guard screams and Shad drives his spear into the guards throat . The other two lomen scream " The Beast " and instead of turning to fight they turned in fright . If it had not been for Sondi and Bruno we would have not been able to catch them . They ran them down from behind Sondi took a bite out of the upper right thigh which cause the lomen to crash to the ground with Malo right behind , he drove his spear all the way through the back and into his heart . Bruno took down the third one by himself . He leaped high catching the lomen in the center of the back as the lomen hit the ground Bruno drove his tusks into the back of the lomen 's neck . The neck snapped instantly all I had to do was smile . As usual we drug the bodies out into the bush away from the trail . When Shad and I got back the prisoners were free , I heard a gasp and a voice saying it is you . I looked over and was surprised to see Lateen , I grabbed him and gave him a big hug . The woman looked at me then at my feet and said , " You are the Beast " then she drew back We walked them to the Bramble Gate and inside . I told them we would rescue the rest of their tribe then they would have a choice . To either go back to their hunting grounds or to join our clan . The next morning the next group of captives arrived there were 6 of them and 4 guards . Mondo could sense the uneasiness of the lomen . It was obvious they were concerned not to find the first group waiting for them . I sent Bruno off to the right and instructed him to roar . When he did the lomen panicked . This was what Mondo was expecting , as t he lomen tried to runaway Sondi and Runt charge them from behind . Shad and Drago arose in front of them with spears at the ready . They thrust forward with their spears , Drago 's spear striking only the club the lomen was caring . The lomen raised his club preparing to strike at Drago when Mondo and Bruno arrived . Never slowing down Bruno hit the loman in the chest knocking him down and Mondo landed on the loman 's midsection as he sliced at the lomans throat with his knife . It was over as fast as it started , they walked back to the captives all free now . Thanks to Malo . Mondo looked over the group 2 women three teenagers , a boy and 2 girls , and one man . Mondo sent the boys and Runt with the freed captives to the bramble gate . He gave them instructions to remain in the wash near the hole under the fallen tree and to hold Runt back till he signaled . Just before the sun went down the last group arrived , they too seemed concerned that the others were not waiting for them . Mondo and Shad had climbed a tree either side of the trail where it left the clearing . Bruno was in the bushes behind them . Sondi had been following the lomen , the exits to the clearing were blocked off . One of the lomen backed up near the hole where the boys were waiting , he was looking all around the clearing he was uncomfortable . He could smell blood , the other four guards were also uneasy . As the guards heel came down on the edge of the hole … a bird whistled , a lion roared and the guard disappeared down the hole . The boys had each grabbed a leg and yanked the guard into the hole . Before he could recover Runt had removed his throat then leaped into the clearing and was now facing the other four Guards . Mondo and Shad leaped out of their trees driving their spears into the chests of two of the guards . The last two had no chance at all . They turned to run back and came face to face with Sondi and Runt as they stopped Bruno hit them from the rear . Drago and Malo were cutting the captives free . This bunch consisted of 3 females 2males a child about 10 and a baby in the arms of one of the women . All together we had rescued 17 , 16 from one village and Lateen from Mondo 's home clan . After they had all the people in to the cave Mondo and his hunters really needed to hunt and set out at once . Ludi took the newcomers in hand and talked to them . By the time the hunters had returned with their kills it had already been decided . All of the Villagers except for the woman and the baby had decided to go back to their Village . The woman with the baby was just too weak to make the trip and the lomen had killed her husband . Mondo 's Clan furnished all the men with spears including the teenage boy this made them a force to be reckoned with . 9 Spear men and 2 Big Cats . I think they would relish meeting up with some lomen . The women were pulling the travois and each travois had at least 4 extra spears on it . Three days into their trek they got their wish . Thanks to the Cats they were ready , the women and children gathered in the center the men squatted around them with their spears angled out to protect the women . The lomen charged out of the bushes screaming and waving their clubs . Mondo and Lateen stood and began throwing their spears with the women handing them more . The lomen were surprised when the Cats attacked from behind . The cats forced the lomen onto the anchored spears and the Villagers stabbed with malice . They were angry and wanted revenge . By the time it was all over there were 11 dead lomen and four wounded . No one planned to take prisoners , they would be finished off ' . The Villagers had 2 men with broken bones and one dead . It was obvious that the women were proud of their men . One of the injured had a broken shoulder . The loman got through and caught him with its club . One of the women picked up a spear and stabbed the loman multiple times . The other women jumped in and it was a Melee after that . Three weeks later we entered their village . Each travois was loaded with meat and furs , we had hunted on the way . We were met by the village chief and the medicine man . After they conquered their fear of the Cats we were welcomed with open arms . The people we had returned to their village equaled over a third of the Village population and were wife 's and daughters and fathers and sons . They were very important to the Village . They threw us a feast that night and we departed early the next morning . Lateen assured Mondo that they only had two more days till they reached the Cave of Tondars clan . He also told him about the discontent Grog had caused . Lateen said he was sure that Grog had beaten Mondo 's mother but could not prove it . . Mondo informed him he needed no proof . . . Grog had tried to kill him and that was enough he was going to call him out . . 13 Lateen informed Mondo the cave was just over the rise . Mondo stepped out a little faster . A big Cat to either side and the Sun behind him Mondo looked like a Golden Giant . The people of the Clan raised their hands to shade their eyes trying to identify the image before them . Lateen picked this time to step into the view . He hollered , " Hello the Camp " … . Tondar yelled it is Lateen . Sonda began to run to meet her Dad but seeing one of the Big Cats step forward caused her to stop . Grog walked out of the cave … Silence fell over the Camp as Mondo 's voice bellowed out . . . " Grog . . . you tried to Kill Me . . . For that I Call you OUT ! " Mondo did not hesitate he walked straight to Grog and one huge fist crashed into Grogs face . The blow knocked grog to the ground . Mondo systemically beat Grog senseless . No one tried to stop the carnage , Bruno and Sondi were walking a circle around the combatants . Grog tried to grab a spear to use against Mondo . But an enraged Mondo just brushed it aside and continued to beat his antagonist to a pulp . Mondo slowly began to stop the beating and backed off looking at the fat glob of jelly at his feet . Mondo turned and looked at Tondar By my decree and the laws of the Clan . . . I claim all Grogs Possessions an banish him from the Clan . Tondar smiled and asked , " What about your Mother ? " Sonda , now a young woman and a clan hunter put her arms around Mondo , " I have waited for you and I claim you as a Hunter 's right . " Mondo returned her hug and made a movement with his fingers . When Sonda turned she found herself facing one of the Big Cats , " Sonda meet Sondi . We accept you . " Lateen began unloading the travois and putting meat on to cook . Every one just walked around Grog until Mondo grabbed his feet and drug him outside the camp and dumped him there . As he walked into camp Lateen was telling everyone of Momd 's Clan and that there was no need to move camp twice a year and there was a medicine woman and a good life . Tondar spoke with Socar who had been Grog 's Hunter trainee . He asked him how he felt about the banishment of Grog . . . Socar says the only thing he hate about it is he did not get to do the beating himself . When they would go on a hunt , Grog would belittle him and hit him when he did not do as Grog said . Grog was a mean man . I now wish to learn from Mondo . As time went by on the trail the hunters hunted at their leisure . The nearer they came to their new home the more excited they became . Then the day came , before Mondo could remove the Brambles Gate there was an outpouring of children and Runt . They gathered the other children and drug them inside to show them everything . Mondo began doing the same with the adults . When they reached the other end of the cave they all stood silently staring at the beautiful valley . Our huts were beginning to take the shape of permanent structures . There was no need for temporary shelters anymore . Tondar wanted to know everything about the cattle , the meat smoking , and especially about the Milk . They sat around a campfire and talked way into the night . One of the topics they discussed was leadership of the Clan . It was very obvious that this was Mondo 's clan but Tondar had always been Mondo 's Chief . They discussed what should they do ? Sharlu spoke to Tondar , he nodded his head , " Mondo I am getting old , I have a new wife , it is time for youth to lead the Clan . As long as I am alive I will advise you as needed but You are now Chief . " I think this a very good story and if people cant follow your writing then they need to go back to dr . Seuss and start over . I follow it just fine . I love your imagination and cant wait to read more . Thank you for all your stories . There are a few spelling errors but not enough to turn me off the story . Great job . Keep up the awesome writing . It seems odd that there are so many people that seem to know more about what I am writing more than I do . I decided to explain . this did not occur on earth but on another world . And for the few of you who saw racism in my story . There are lomen but no Highmen . lomen are a race of people that were changed by their environment . For the person who felt Mondo had a college education , certain references were for the readers who might not understand abstract thinking , If you are so smart then you write my story yourself .
|
Some 20 yrs later , my husband and I went back to my hometown to visit relatives . We decided to stop at the cemetyery where my grandmother was buried so I could pay my respects before we took our long car ride back west to our home . We left in the evening and as we approached the cemetery it was pitch black . story This was back in 1994 and I was about 21 , living in my first apartment . I had a roommate , but she was gone for the weekend . In this apartment , our bedrooms didn 't have any windows . So , it was always really dark in there . This made it excellent for sleeping in on weekends . Anyway , it was a Saturday morning and I was awake , lying in my bed thinking about getting up , but not quite ready to . I was facing the wall , with my back to the doorway . ( The door was closed . ) All of a sudden , I felt a presence . Just like somebody had walked right into my room . I was too scared to roll over and look so I just kept still in the same position . Then I felt fingers gently brush the hair on my forhead and tuck my hair behind my ear . It actually felt very good . It seemed gentle and loving . I didn 't feel scared then , just in awe . I rolled over and no one was standing there and the door to the room was still closed . I decided to get up and go on with my day . I wasn 't scared . I actually felt quite peaceful . I never felt the presence again and never told my roommate about the incident . We never experienced any unusual activity before or after that . We both moved out a year and a half later . story It was a sunny day and my friend and I went to my grandparents . My parents were there but they were upstairs . We had gone downstairs to play . I am not sure what time it was but , it was in the afternoon . There are 3 parts to my grandmothers basement . There is a part where you can work out and the stairs that lead up . On the right side is a couch and chair . Hooked on to that is the laundry room . There is no walls in between all of these rooms but a little opening in the work room . You can 't see in though because there is a red drape hanging . On the left side is a bed and T . V . My friend and I were sitting on the couch and we heard footsteps coming from the laundry room . We though it was our imagination and laughed about it . Then we heard it again . This time we went to look . We went in and we saw a little ghost that looked like casper ! ! It had black beady eyes and he just looked at me . I thought it was my imagination but , when it left the bucket that it was behind rattled back ! ! and forth ! We looked behind the bucket and nothing wasd there ! ! We ran upstairs and didn 't go down again . My friend 's aunt lived in this that she would always swear up and down was haunted , but no one really took her seriously . One day she came home from work and saw that her answering machine was blinking . Naturally , she did what everyone does when that happens and pushed the play button . She heard a low , monotone jibberish . Thinking it was just some kid playing a prank , she rewound the tape and pushed play again . This time , there was no jibberish . Instead there was a very clear message : " GET OUT OF MY HOUSE ! " Don 't ask me why , but she rewound the tape again . I guess because she thought maybe it just didn 't rewind all the way the first time . But it had . The tape was at the beginning , and the message had changed . Not only once , but twice , because the third time she listened to it there was nothing on the tape at all . Just silence . Needless to say , she moved out very quickly after that . I think she stayed at her sister 's house that night . But the important thing is , she got out . Anyway , there is a couch , right by my parents door . And when my brother went out in the living room , where I was . There was a ghost or some spirit who got up and walked into my parents room . " It was on the couch " he said . I kind of freaked out because I used to be afraid of ghosts . Then about 3 years later , I was laying in my bed , then I heard a noise . I woke up to see a dark , black figure standing by the door . I know I wasn 't dreaming because I could pinch my arm , and it hurt . I closed my eyes and I looked over by the door , and it was gone . About 5 - 6 weeks after that , he came back . But this time he walked into my brothers room . I got up and walked in there , and he was standing by my computer . The computer is on the left wall in my brothers room . He looked at me and disappeared . We moved out of there in the summer of 98 , and now we live in a cool house , but I always get this feeling he 'll be there … when I wake up . But most of the story took place before this . The woman 's funeral had been put off . She had died exactly one week before my daughter was born . My mother had to complete her report cards because they were set to go out a few days after her death . As my mother was doing this an old Hymnal which she hadn 't heard in years popped into her head . ( I keep cursing myself because I cannot remember the name of the song for the life of me ) Well , at the funeral that was the FIRST song played . And I guess it is prevalent to the story to point out that my family is white and the woman was black . I say this because my ( normally shy ) daughter has I don 't know what to call it , but she is really responsive to large black women . She also does things like smiling at the air or laughing at something , but there is no one there . I guess the real job of a guardian angel is to protect , and she has done this as well . There have been more than a few occasions where my daughter has fallen or bumped her head and had no mark to show for it ( when she REALLY should have ) . Also , I believe I have felt her presence as I do right now . Once I was rushing to my daughter as she had just fallen again and I felt as if I had passed through something and it let me know that every thing was okay . I always know my daughter is in good hands . story I purchased the house I currently live in some thirty - five years ago . . It is an old farm house that was was built in the late 1800 's . Being one the - if not the - oldest house in the community , it has several stories and tales connected to it . One of these concerns a double murder and suicide which allegedly took place in the year of 1899 . . the house has its noises , its sounds , its creeks and drafts that old houses do . . there have also been several occurences that have caused me to shed my previous skeptisism of hauntings and supernatural events . . I could indeed describe some of these events but I do not see what purpose that would serve … let it suffice to say that , especially since the death of my first wife twenty - one years ago , I am fairly certain of a co - existence with members of the spirit world . One experience I would like to share , however , is one spring evening I was sitting in my living room reading and joining me were our three cats all of whom were comforta ! ! bly napping about the room but in my range of sight . Without warning , a cool , gentle but persistent breeze feel upon my face . . only my face . All three cats awoke and similtanously raised their heads and stared at a spot across the room where thier attention was held for a minute or so … then - as one - they lowered thier heads and went back to sleep . . the breeze stopped . . I was siezed by a momentary but quite real paralyzing fear that was followed by the most serene and total feeling of peace I had ever experienced … . . This actually occured and I offer it to you , the reader , for your consideration and your thoughts . . your offer of explanation ……… story On october 10 , 1996 I was remodeling a small two roomed shack at a recently acqwired deer lease in Medina Texas . Upon entering the living area , to make a repair list , I noticed a basket ball sized dark brown stain about chest high on the devider wall between living area and sleeping area . When I walked into the sleeping area I saw the same dark spot that was on the oppsite side of the divider wall . Not thinking anything was out of the ordinary I completed my list and went to the local hardware store for materials . I returned to find my tools had been scattered . I thought it a bit odd but proceded with the repairs . I started painting the inside walls . My first goal was to remove the the dark stain , so I treated it and started painting the walls . when I was done with that I started cooking my supper on the grill outside , when I returned to into the structure I immediately noticed the stain had bled back through the fresh paint . this made no sense , as I had given the treat ! ! ment adequate time to dry before painting over it . I finished supper , and re - applied the stain treatment to the wall . By then it was about 10 : 30 pm . and I figured I would go to bed finish the paint work in the morning . I awoke at about 2 : 15 am . to use the bathroom , and after returning to bed I started hearing a faint tapping that I could not pinpoint , so I got up with my pistol and looked around the small shack for a posible source . finding nothing I returned to my bed . Within moments faint tapping graduated quickly to a pounding which i realised was coming from the divider wall ; at this point my mind was racing with all posible explations . seeking to end matters quickly , I sat up and yelled " shut the hell up " the second I said this the pounding stopped , and before I could move some thing with the size and weight of a very large man pounced on me breaking the mattress supports and sending myself and the mattresses crashing to the floor . As I hit the floor the force was gone ; G ! ! asping for the breath that was knocked out of me I grabbDate : Wed , 6 Jan 1999 16 : 01 : 02 - 0800 ( PST ) story The house I live in is really old . It was built in 1908 , when the railroad came through the area where I live . I have seen lots of things , and a lot of the people who have come to my house have seen things , even though I may not have told them anything about the house . Most of the time , the things I see are harmless , or they seem benevolent . But it 's the other things that are really scary . The scariest thing I can remember is seeing Death in my living room . I was lying in bed one night when I was about nine years old . My bedroom opens into the living room , which is a room that always freaked me out anyway . It was probably about 10 : 00 , and I had just turned out the light about 15 or 20 minutes before . I couldn 't sleep , so I was just thinking about this , that , or the other when I felt a presence watching me . That wasn 't that unusual , but it felt like a bad presence , which was unusual . I looked out my bedroom door , and there was a hooded figure , about 6 or 7 feet tall , staring at me . The only thing I could make out under the hood was a pair of huge glowing eyes . I was paralyzed with fear , laying in my bed unable to move or scream or anything . It got closer and closer to my bedroom door , and I was panicking big time . Then it just disappeared . I saw it one other time , it was about 2 years later . I woke up in the middle of the night and it was standing at my bedroom door . It saw me watching and it just disappeared into thin air . I haven 't seen it since , but I 'm afraid I will wake up one night and it will be next to my bed . I used to live in germany , in an very old house . We lived there for a while , about 3 - 4 years and i never heard any strange sounds or anything . Then i found out i was going to move to the usa . A little while after that the foot steps started . It was one night , my two sisters and me where alone at home . My older sister was sitting in the kitchen reading and I was in the living room watching TV ( my younger sister was only about 2 years old she was asleep in the living room choutsh ) , i had to use the bathroom so i went across the hall into the bathroom , i just had gone into the bathroom when i started to hear footsteps in the atict ( the atict is right above the bathroom ) . I was really scared because i though there might be a rober in our house . So as fast as i could i ran back into the living room were my sister was at this point and told her i heard steps . First she didn 't want to belive me so i told her to turn off the TV . After we had turned the TV off we keept on listenig , for a while we didn 't hear anything … but then we both heard the footsteps again . We called our parents and told them there was someone in our house , they didn 't want to believe us . We were really scared so we decided to leave t ! ! he house and go in our car till our parents would be back . Just as we were walking out of the house i said " what if " he " comes downstares " , right after i said that the door nob from our back door going to the adict turnd , so we ran out of the house closed the door really quick and went into our car . We waited till our parents came home and told them about it . My dad went upstairs to look if anyone was there but nobody was there and everything looked the same . story I 'm not exactly sure what happened to me on that day when I as in grade three . I just know that I was alone . Well , let me start from the begining . One day , the date of which I do not remember , I went to the top story of my school . I was looking for my brother . No one was on the top floor at all . Now , before I go on I have to tell you about our school . I went to Colonel Walker . It was founded by Colonel Walker . All the kids in the school beleive that it is haunted by Colonel Walker . Now , back to the story . After I found that there was no one there , I turned around to leave . It was a t that moment that I felt cold all over . Someone or something tapped my shoulder . I turned around a looked at … nothing . I was spooked . I ran down the hall and didn 't stop running until I had left the school . story Okay , here goes my first contribution , this took place about 2 1 / 2 years ago , and to this day I sleep with a night light on . It was the night before school started , and I was rather excited to be going back , seeing friends that I missed etc , and had trouble going to sleep . I finally fell into a deep sleep , and around 3am , I woke up for no reason , and looked toward the door that leads into my brothers room . I saw someone standing there , watching me . It wasn 't a definite shape , but I got the impression that it was human . It was lit up from the inside , and wasn 't actually standing on the floor . I panicked , and managed to speak , I just said over and over , " Dan , go back to bed . " ( Dan being my brother ) . The object then started floating , and kind of swirled , then dissapeared . I was so afraid of this " thing " , that I just passed out . This isn 't the only thing that has happened in my house , my younger brother used to hear someone breathing in his room during the night , it was so ! ! bad he had to sleep with a fan on , and he knows for a fact that it wasn 't anyone in the house , because that would happen when all members were out of the house . Also , the phone cord in our living room has taken to violent shaking sometimes . I 've been on the phone during the night , to feel it shake , not just jiggle , but actually shake , skipping rope style , and no one is there . My dogs also do the typical barking at nothing , and following things that aren 't there . That was the only time anyone has ever seen anything , and we don 't know if anyone has had any misfortune in this house . story I was about 15 or 16 when my Mom was forced to move again . She had gotten a divorce again and again we moved . She did her best . Anyway , we moved into this two bedroom house on a not - so - good section of Montgomery , AL . From day one we heard footsteps at night and screen door slamming , cold spots , etc . Momma found out from the Landlord that an old man had lived there with about 7 - 10 dogs ranging from small to really big . ( dogs were put down ) . I would not go into the old shed behind the house unless family was with me even though it would have been a perfect " clubhouse " . It gave me the willies , come to find out that was where the old man kept all of his mean dogs , supposedly they were all put down . Anyway , the most memorable experience I had was one weekend afternoon , I was in the house , by myself , finally getting off my butt and taking a shower . For some strange reason we had a bolt lock on the inside of the bathroom door . I always attached it ( damn that shower scene from Psycho ! ! ) . Anyway , I am in the middle taking my shower , soaping up my hair and I hear the bolt unlatch and the door open ! ! ! For some reason , I knew it was the old man and I got VERY ANGRY . Some dirty DEAD old man getting some kind of cheap thrill ! I started yelling at him at the top of my lungs to get the h * * ll out of my bathroom before I call in a priest for an exorcism and he should be ashamed of himself the dirty old man , etc . I was extremely angry . Suprisingly the door closed and the lock locked back . I didn 't really have any more problems with the old man after that . We moved after that and a cousin of mine moved in . They said they never had a problem , but they are not the most sensitive people in the world either . They have a hard time picking up that they hurt someone 's feelings , much less that something strange is going on . story My family and I used to live in Moscow , Kansas . We had a little old farm house by the highway . I was about 8 back then , but everynight I herd something or someone walking up and down the hallway . I also remembered hearing bells ringing in the night . The realator had told us that the owner of the house before us hung herself in the Utility Room on the clothes rack . I 'm sure that had something to do with it . Like I said it was an old house , and the utility room was attached to the garage and the garage , for some reason , was always warmer than the utility room . story My story happened about 5 years ago . I was about 8 at the time and i had a younger brother and a younger sister . It happened at about 11 : 30 at night , I was sleeping in the room right next to the stairs leading to the basement and my brothers room was right next to mine . That night I heard a noise comming from my brothers room and i woke up right away . All of a sudden I seen a boy about my brothers age walk across the hall way towards the basement so I yelled at him thinking it was my brother . The little boy had blocks in his hand and looked at me . The only thing is that my brother didnt have any blocks and it had no eyes . The place where its eyes were supposed to be were just black . Well when he looked at me it gave me a look and then walked away . I just started screaming out to my mother and I was hiding under the blankets . I told my mom that a boy that looked like Greg walked by my door and looked at me . Then I said it had some blocks it its hands and had no eyes , ! ! so my mom checked my brothers room and he was sound asleep and then told me that he didnt own any blocks . She asked me what way it went and i told he down the stairs to the basement or to the backdoor and left . She checked the backdoor and it was locked tight , then she checked the basement door and it was locked but to make sure she looked down in the basement and there was nothing there . Well about 4 years ago we moved from that house but another thing happened in that house but i wont go into that . story My story happened a year ago . I was in the bathroom getting ready for school and I heard this noise right outside my bathroom , so I truned my head to see what it was and I saw the head of something peeking around the corner at me . When I looked at it , it brought its head back behind the corner and I screamed . Then i thought it might be one of my sisters so i went the way it looked to have went and i couldnt find it anywhere . Then I noticed that it couldnt be any of my sisters or parents cause they were all sleeping . That summer we got a swimming pool and we put it in the backyard . It is almost right under the bathroom window and when you look up at the window when no one was in the house you could see the outline of some ones head there . So far we havent heard or seen anymore of the ghost but you can always see it in the window when no one is in the house . Well thats my story , hope yall liked my story . Durring the year of 1989 I worked as night security in a very old amusement park . durring this period I experianced many ghostly things . the park was built in the late 1800 's and thus has had a lot of history . one night durring patrol I heard loud band music playing sounded like somthing from the big band era I thought i was loosing my mind . so I unlocked the ball room to see what was going on when I entered the hallway it sounded like the ballroom was full of people lots of people this ballroom was huge it could hold 500 couples danceing and then some . any way I walked into ballroom and like a cold winters breeze went right through me and every thing was quiet I still dont know what had happened to this day but that night somthing unusual occurred . I always thought the guys were telling me storyies about the ghosts of Crystal Beach Park . on another night I was patroling the old midway section of the park when I noticed the strong smell of pipe tabaco I was damed where it was comeing from then I spotted a little old man standing in the corner of a old ca ! ! ndy stand , when I approached him to see what he was doing he disapeared just like that the next morning the grounds arrived I told John about my experiance he worked in the park for over 45years , I described the old man that I saw he laughed and said I see you have met Bob , Bob was the night security in the year of 1952 when he turned very sick and died in the winter of that year . I was floored I saw a ghost ! but it dosent stop here . the biggest scare in the old amusement park was the night of july 4 about 330am I was patroling the pier it was a coolrainy night very dark when I felt two hands on my back and give me a push enough force to make me loose my balance again nobody was there it freaked me out I dident tell anyone about that incident I wanted to keep my job now the old park has been torn down and a housing development has been built I dont know if any thing has occured since . but I know there has been a lot of ghost stories about this park I hopeDate : Fri , 22 Jan 1999 14 : 10 : 24 - 0800 ( PST ) My friend 's boss , John , has a younger brother who works at a funeral home , conveniantly located about 200 feet from my house . Because of his job , he lives under the funeral home , in a small apartment . One night , John , his brother , ( don 't know his name - I 'll call him Mike ) and a friend were all watching movies with their respective lady friends . Everything was quiet , when all of a sudden they heard footsteps upstairs inside the funeral home . Being the tough men that they are , John and Mike got baseball bats , and went upstairs to investigate . The other man stayed behind to " protect " the woman , although later he admitted he was too terrified to go upstairs . There was no sensor alarm , just an alarm on the door , and after making sure this was still secure , they split up , ( why would you ever do that ? ? ? ) , and began searching every room . They didn 't find a soul . heehee . There was no one there . No way to get in , no way to get out , except for that one door , or to go into the apartment . ! ! They said the footsteps sounded like a man shuffling along , in dress shoes . Perhaps someone who 's funeral was held there , just liked the place too much to leave . Even to this day , the footsteps can still be heard , and there have been other occurances , but I 'll save those for next time . Hope you enjoyed hearing this , I didn 't , when I look out my window , I can see this place , and think about what I was told … story I 'd like to tell you about my house in Utah . My family is military and usually military families move around a lot but we did ' nt . We lived in this house for 10 years and military housing being what it is , ( no offense ) the house was ' falling apart ' . I was so young i didn 't mind , but i did mind the other members of the household … All of my experiances started one day when i was about 6 or7 . I was doing the dishes and looked through the kitchen to the hallway and saw a large shadow out of the corner of my eye . when i turned my head slowly to look at it it quickly moved into my bedroom . I wasn 't scared that much because of my horror movie madness at that age but i still went to investigate after i was done . i saw nothing . the 3rd room of my hallway , wich was in the middle of changing to our room , was the uneasy one . I have a German Shepard / Collie and he never walked into that room . He would walk back and fourth , back and fourth , just looking into the room . Well , one day me and my sister decided we werent gonna set up the new bed just yet and stuck a matress on the ground . We crashed for the night and i fell asleep before her . I woke up eather that morning or later that evening ( cant recall wich ) to a pillow being smothered on my face . it wasnt like a soffocating smother , just kind of a messing around one , i was hit with a pillow a few times and woke up yelling at my sister like always . except that i woke her up when i yelled at her . i didnt say anything about the incedent to her , just said " never mind " and rolled over and went to sleep . my mother inhereted an organ from someone , dont know who , and when ever she would take a shower i would sneak a play time with it . i was messing around making up tunes of my own when i felt an old man behind me watching . i spun around and no one was there . then my mom walked in and asked me all these questions i didnt understand and i kept one playing . many more things happende in that old house but this is getting long so i will go now . thankyou for reading and sorry if i bored you story THE STRANGER I KNEW BEFORE ……… The older I become the more I 'm beginning to believe that some spirits have always known each other . It was the summer of 1993 when I met for the first time a young medical secretary named JILLIAN . Oue eyes first met in a breathless silence . I know you but we never met before . She felt the same way yet she had just moved to my area from out of state just a few months ago . As time passed we became good friends but JILLIAN had left a lot of problems behind in her life . She was a beautiful young woman only half my age and I felt helpless at times trying to give advice to someone that I knew in time passing all things would work out . As beautiful as she was JILLIAN could not keep a boyfriend for vey long . I could not understand this problem at first until I realized that JILLIAN had a drug problem . About six months past that I did not see her when the strange dreams began of JILLIAN . In these dreams she kept asking me to come see her at work . At first I gave little attention to the dreams until about the third dream experience . This dream was of two large pumpkins in the middle of a corn field . JILLIAN again would ask me to come to the place where she worked . Three more nightly dreams took place before I decided that something was wrong . JILLIAN was in tro ble and I had to go see her . In AUGUST of 1994 I saw JILLIAN at work . She looked beautiful and we spoke for a time . It had lifted my spirit to see her but little did I know it was for the last time . . JILLIAN was killed in a car accident three weeks later on SEPTEMBER 14th 1994 . When I went to her viewing there was two large pumpkins by the steps as you entered . I had told a friend three weeks earlier that the last time I saw JILLIAN she glowed like an angel . BY DENNIS AMBROSE
|
There was a loud crash , a scream and a yell in respond . The crash was the large metal door slamming against the frame , the scream came from the body that was tossed to the floor , and the yell was from the tall man who tossed the body . The man knelt down and cuffed the figure under him , and the lump shifted and kicked in protest . Once the hand cuffs were hooked onto the frame on the floor , they took a moment to stand up . The kick that the cuffed criminal delivered did enough to knock the shoe off of their foot - - which wasn 't a normal foot , mind you . It wasn 't a surprise that the shoe came off so easily . The man wore something much like a detectives uniform , and he played the part quite well . He wore a badge that said , " Inspector J . J Baxter " , as if the man was some sort of important person . He had a few scratches and bruises , along with some blood on his chin , and he was sure to get revenge for it . He wiped his jaw with the back of his hand , and spat out a good glob of blood . While the shoe had fallen off of the other 's frame , it did deliver one hell of a wallop . He balled his fists , and pushed the convict down onto the ground . The other shoe came off , and the criminal made another yelp . They glared up at the other man , brown eyes so full of hate and disdain that any God would wish to strike down the man . They were wearing a pair of cargo pants , one that covered a very particular looking pair of legs . The pants were black , and so were the boots . It was as if the stranger had stolen the uniform from a sleeping guardsman , and slipped into the building unnoticed . Under the character 's shirt was a pair of large wings , which they had disclosed rather nicely under a large over - coat . They had pulled off the uniform quiet well , until someone squealed and the right people got word of the wrong person . Inspector Baxter knelt down before the other body , and smirked . There was blood coating his teeth , and even the grin was enough to send the other person spinning . " You 're not human , now , are you ? " The convict spat in his fThe man dropped the body onto their knee 's , and pressed a large boot onto their chest , pinning them backwards and watching as the other flopped hopelessly on the ground . The convict 's wings spilled out of the overcoat , trying desperately not to get stepped on or broken . Inspector Baxter smiled , and used his free hands to light a drag . He took a long pull , and rest his elbow on his propped knee , applying more pressure to the size 12 shoe on the other body 's chest . " Now , what makes you think you can trespass onto private property , steal a uniform , pose as a police officer and smuggle in contraband from the outside world ? " The body struggled under the weight of the shoe . They glared back upwards , showing no mercy . " I doubt that oranges count as contraband . . . " The man pushed down further . There was a gasp . " Okay , okay , okayokayokayokayokay . . . " They stammered , feeling the weight leave for a mere second . " You - - all of you PEOPLE are denying these beings , those INNOCENT beings their rights ! If you even think - - " " Don 't start with me , " The man rolled his eyes , ash falling from his cigarette and onto the struggling frame 's mouth . " You animals have no right to walk among common folk . It 's human nature to put down dirty dogs - - you freaks aren 't even grateful enough to be Man 's Best Friend . Plus , they 've all been tried in the court of law . " The other began loudly , " YOU THREW MY BEST FRIEND IN JAIL BECAUSE THEY WALKED IN A HUMAN NEIGHBORHOOD ! " " It is the law . " " You just executed an innocent being for working in the locomotive department ! " The man cracked a small . He pushed smoke from his lungs . " What can I say ? It is the law . " This angered the struggling frame to no extent . They screamed , kicked , flapped , flailed and eventually freed themselves from the other man 's power . They used their wings to fly hap - haphazardly from the ground and onto the table . They turned ready to attack the other man with their hands behind their back . They looked to the human with so much hate that it almost made the other man fall back in fear . He had long dropped his cigarette by that time . " You 're disgusting ! This isn 't the law , it 's fraud . It 's murder . It 's disgusting , it 's offensive , it 's not right . It isn 't right , dammit ! It isn 't fucking right ! " They screamed loudly . This caused quite a commotion , partly because others could see into the room and look at what what happening , and it looked like a 6 ' 5 " man was being sized up by a very loud and very scary Harpy . The man grabbed the figure by it 's wings , and threw it back down onto the ground , this time using both feet to hold the harpy by it 's wings . " Look here , bird - brain . " Inspector Baxter said loudly , to the struggling frame . There were tears in their eyes , and fear in their heart as the thought of their wings breaking entered their mind . " We have tried putting you in prison before . We tried boot - camp . We all know what you can do , and we all know that every time we try anything , you manage to escape , so you know what ? You 're right . " The smiled . " This isn 't the law . So , I 'm going to make special accommodations for you . I 'm going to be your law . I 'm going to be your new parole officer , and what I say goes . " The man licked his lips . " I could kill you . I could , and I want to . So badly . But you 'd expect that out of someone like me , right ? So , I 'm going to give you a deal that you can 't refuse . I 'm putting you to work . " The man lessened the pressure of his boots on the other being . They let out a strained sound , gazing upward . " And . . . if I decline your offer ? " They smirked , but soon regretted it . The Inspector took his size 12 book and slammed it against the farthest segment in the Harpy 's wing , causing it to break and the Harpy to scream out in pain . The Inspector smiled . " You won 't . " It was two weeks later that the law did take place . It happened at a humble postal service outlook , that had recently boomed in business . Inspector Baxter came into the building , holding an envelope and a large , fake smile . He plastered it on as he met with a very random service women . " Do you have any available positions ? " The woman looked him up and down . " Not for humans . " Baxter put the envelope on the table , and smiled . " Good . " It took a while to get the papers all sorted out , and in that time , the Harpy was in a confined space . They passed the time scratching away at a nice groove in the wall , and screaming profanities to any human who tried to come close . Their wing was still broken , but only partly . They could still fly , but not for very long . The Harpy 's name was Edurika , but not for very long . It had taken weeks to plan out , but Edurika had gotten a job that they didn 't want . They had a badge , a uniform , and a quota that they had to meet . ' They ' were now ' he ' , and Eduika was now Eddie . Eddie Fay , now working for the Postal Service . The first day of work was terrible , and it was just being pulled out of confinement that had determined that . It took atleast two to get ' him ' out of the building , and another half of one to shove them into a car . It was hell to get to the station , but once they were in there , Inspector Baxter grabbed the Harpy 's arm and pulled him into the building , almost with enough grace as a baby on roller skates . Inspector Baxter looked at Eddie 's new assistant , and looked down at the convict . The Inspector smiled , and pulled out a card from his wallet . " If he misbehaves , I 'll be sure to assign you with a new partner . Give me a call if he 's a naughty boy . " Baxter placed a large hand on Eddie 's shoulder , and messed up his hair as he left . As The Inspector did leave , he made sure to look at Eddie straight in his eyes , and stomp his foot on the way out . Eddie swallowed , and knew that he had to make nice with the very thing he hated . He turned to the other boy - - his new cowoker , and gave a shallow wave . " Uhm . . . I 'm Eddie . " It was the start of a new career - it was the start of his new life ! Skyler was excited , thrilled , anxious , and even a bit nauseous . As a child , he had several dreams , and each stuck to him like glue , however , this one in particular was the one closest to him . It was a dream that most told him to stop thinking about , the one that most told him he was being ridiculous . He wanted to fly and soar in the air , as if he was one with the birds . Sure , a hot air balloon wasn 't quite as . . . regal as his dream sounded , but it was close enough ! He had worked hard to finish his schooling , and then finished a little more school to understand the workings of the hot air balloon . It wasn 't too hard of a job , but Skyler had dealt with a lot of problems on the way of becoming what he wanted . And by golly , it worked . Skyler had managed to receive a very minor license to drive a hot air balloon and he was entrusted with people 's letters and packages . He also had to memorize a map . Except , there was one problem . On the very first day of work , Skyler woke up late . LATE ! When he woke up to an alarm blaring at him , he had saw that he had accidently typed in 7 : 00 AM instead of 6 : 00 AM . He nearly screamed in frustration , and he scrambled this way and that to make sure that everything was perfect . He had this . . . Identity crap ? Check . Uniform ? Hat ? Some snacks to bring for the long days in the air ? Check . Check . Check . At 7 : 15 , he burst out of his apartment and ran as fast as he could to the station . Skyler then slammed open the door and panting hard , he saw the officer and his . . . apparent co worker ? His co worker wasn 't human . Skyler stared at him a bit , his eyes can 't help but noticing the fur that took over his - her ? legs and her - his feet were not as . . . well , it wasn 't human . As soon as he realized what he was doing , Skyler forced his eyes to look away . It wasn 't that harpies were rare , Skyler just never . . . interacted with one . He took the card from the officer and felt a little confused and fearful by his offer of help . When the older off # 2 At first mention of his name , Eddie rolled his eyes almost to the back of his head . How ironic , that this pathetic excuse of a pilot - - a second hand Harpy would be named Skylar ? He felt offended , and this punk didn 't even have to say a word to him . Eddie wished he would have been the least bit more careful during his last smuggling . . . As the other boy began to talk , Eddie thought to himself about what had gone wrong , and who was to blame for this . His friends couldn 't have done anything like this to him , could they ? He placed a hand on his chin , thinking to himself about the situation . He hadn 't done anything different from the last time he had went there . . . maybe he had been to risky , and came twice in one week . . . But just last week , he went for four days in a row ! ! He didn 't know who was to blame for this , but he wasn 't worried about that yet . When there was a scream , and a loud woman to go for that , Eddie nearly crumbled . She attacked them both with so much force , it was almost scary . Eddie wriggled and tried to flee from her grip , scared she might do something with his wings much as Inspector Baxter did , but she only shoved them to their carrier . Eddie watched at she went , glaring big brown eyes following her every step . He had some choice words to say to her . . . He cupped his ear , feeling his heart - beat against his lobe . Humans were disgusting . He jumped a short distance into the basket , flapping his wings slightly to get the lift he needed . He didn 't know a damn thing about balloons , nor did he want to . Eddie looked down at the ground , and saw a bag full of letters and envelopes . He pulled it up , and carefully pulled it onto his frame , making sure to tuck it under one wing . He watched the boy climb in , and set up the balloon for take - off . Eddie wanted to throw him out of the basket almost instantly , but his wings were at stake . Skyler saw as Eddie settled down across in the basket and then he turned on the heat . The hot air balloon started to rise high up in the air , and Skyler couldn 't help but feel excited . He stared down into the ground , watching as the people , buildings , and any physical properties of the world he live in slowly grew smaller and smaller . And then he reached up to the sky , his hand trying to grasp onto the clouds . Skyler just smiled a bit softly , pulling his hand back . Of course he wasn 't able to go up high enough to feel any clouds , but he could certainly still try to . He sat down in the basket , looking through the various packages and letters . They were all addressed to the next city , and he knew it would be a while till they got there . So he turned to the harpy . The harpy looked annoyed , angry , and just generally pissed off . Skyler frowned lightly , but then took his backpack off . He set it next to him and reached inside . " Are you hungry ? I have some snacks . " He pulled out a plastic bag , which was quite full of various food items . " I don 't know what you eat or what you like . . . But I might have something similar to it . " Skyler tried to smile a bit gently and held out the bag towards Eddie . Eddie tried to think further on who might have been the culprit in this issue , and he tried to think about how he should evade the issue the next time he does go to smuggle in some fruit . Eddie wondered if it was smart to go in sometime soon , but he knew he had some depending on him . He placed an elbow on the side of the basket , looking down the shrinking world . He was upset . He wondered how easily he could just escape into the next town , and hide from all forms of police and cops . He sighed , letting his arms dangle off of the basket . He had too many obligations at that time . It would be a slow progress , escaping from what he had got himself into , but he could run himself off of his feet and still not find a safe place free of prejudice . Sometimes he hated how he looked . He hated his hollow bones , and his bird - cage of a heart . He hated his wings sometimes - - mostly the one that The Inspector had so rudely stomped on . He wondered how it felt to be human , just for a day . He wondered how it would feel to have feet . Two of them . And no wings ? As he thought , the human began to speak up . Eddie turned to him , and threw out all negative thoughts he had . What was he talking about ? He loved himself too much to be compared to such an ugly being of nature . Skylar was just so plain . Where was his feathers ? Horns ? Tail ? All humans were disgusting , thought Eddie , and he wouldn 't want to be any of them at all . He looked over the food , and wondered faintly if the fruit he did have was fresh . He took an orange , bit into it like an apple , and turned to look off into the vast nothingness that was the blue sky . He continued to eat the orange through the skin until the entire thing was gone . He looked at the clouds , wishing faintly he could fly without pain . He pulled his wing in - front of him , and looked at a white bandage that covered a small section of his wing . He sighed dejectedly , and decided to try and fly eventually . Eddie didn 't say a word to him . Skyler felt awkward and took a bite out of his own food - a bag of tiny cookies he often enjoyed . He then downed it with water , grimacing slightly . It tasted like nothing . Gross . He had the craving to drink some sweet tea he often made at home , but he knew it would be impossible in the air . One of the downfalls of becoming a mailman . Skyler sighed , then stood back up . He leaned against the edge of the basket - not enough to tilt it over - but just enough to look at the ground below them . They were passing through lands of grass , and Skyler could just barely make out the trees and roads that litter the plains of green . Skyler wished he was an artist and he wished he could appreciate the views that he saw in the world around them for hours on end . But he can 't . Even if he tried . He just gets bored with it too quickly . He then glanced over at the harpy , who said nothing . Skyler 's mind wandered . Eddie had came in with the police officer who had warned him that Eddie was naughty . Harpies were servants to people , so Eddie must have been forced into the job with him . It seemed cruel to make a Harpy , who had wings , to be trapped in a basket in the sky all day . Though Skyler could see why - his wings were all bandaged up . Maybe forcing him to go in a hot air balloon was out of pity ? After some time , he knew that no matter how much he wondered , he would never be able to get an answer for himself . But before he could voice his questions , Skyler was suddenly aware that he was feeling rather nauseated . He glanced down at the ground below him , and he realized that . . . He could barely even see the trees now . In fact , he saw almost nothing but green grass , even the roads had blurred out . He started to panic , which was the worst thing anybody could do miles up in the air . It wasn 't his fault , it was only his first day ! And he had wanted to fly higher and higher . He wanted to touch the clouds ! To visit the birds , and say hello to the sun up close and personal . He wanted to do it all . He had completelAs he gasped for breath , he could only hope that the balloon would go down fast enough before Skyler lost consciousness or froze to death . Eddie , of course , was almost completely unaware of what had been happening . He wasn 't aware that it had been hard to breath , simply because his lungs were larger than normal . You 'd expect that of someone with hollow bones and feathers covering about seventy - percent of his body ! But he only thought something was wrong when the boy fell to his knees , and heaved as the balloon leisurely fell . Eddie looked down upon the boy , and down upon the mechanism , and wondered faintly how the hell someone would work one of those . He paled , and looked at the human again . Eddie never wanted to do this . He didn 't know how ! He knew that if he didn 't act fast , the kid might die , and Eddie would have another set of charges on him . He groaned , and tried to pull a chain . When he did , he felt the balloon fly further upwards . Well , that was a situation he didn 't want to see himself in . Eddie panicked , and looked down at the human . He made a strangled sound , grabbed at his hair , and decided to do the most rational thing he could think of . He instantly took off most of his uniform till he was just in a white work - shirt , his hat and his pants ( his pants were just something that ended right where his feathers did , and buttoned on the cuff . His talons , along with the lower half of his leg were visible , and the pants ended right where his ' knee ' would be ) . Eddie had the rest of his clothes piled up near the boy . The second thing he did was jump out of the basket . Sure , he didn 't do it right away , but he did do it after a few more strangled noises and a leap . What he did when he jumped out was cling to the side of the basket , and slowly lowered himself onto the bottom of the basket . He was hanging upside down like a bat , and hanging onto the bottom with his talons . He used all of the strength he had to flap his wings downward , using himself as a propeller to bring them back onto a decent level . He flew through clouds , ignored his throbbing wing and his dizzy vision , and tried with all his might to keep the orange he just ate in his stomach . Edd # 7 Skyler felt the clothes pile up on him like he was a part of the laundry . But he did not move away from it , instead , he found comfort in the warmth that they provided . Sure , they smelled a bit weird , like . . . well , like a bird . But it wasn 't unpleasant . Skyler just wrapped it closer to his body , enjoying the warmth . And then he realized that they were descending quickly . Skyler immediately stood up , when he realized that Eddie was no longer in the basket . " Eddie ? ! " He yelled out a bit , but quickly regretted it as he had a hard time regaining his air . But soon enough , it came back . Skyler saw Eddie back into the basket , his wings fluttering around him . Skyler felt normal again . He still felt nauseated , and he was still freezing cold . But it didn 't feel like someone was squeezing him ; he was able to breath normally . Skyler took large breaths , before making sure that the fire was low . He then looked over at the harpy . Skyler felt his face flushed . He was just saved . . . by a harpy ! A convicted harpy ! And why ? Because Skyler messed up . MESSED UP ! Skyler felt embarrassed , and he couldn 't help but mutter . " You didn 't have to do that . " Yeah , he did . " I could have handled it myself . " No , he couldn 't . " I just . . . I meant to do that ! " Yeah right . " And besides ! What were you thinking ? Your wing is hurt , what if it like . . . snapped ? " Skyler frowned . " What would have happen if that happened ? ! Do they grow back or fix themselves ? ? ? " Eddie let his eyes roll open as he gazed at the boy like he was going to kill him . He wasn 't in the mood for dealing with someone like this . He wanted to shut that guy up for a good reason . He wanted to pull out his own feathers and shove them in his mouth to have the stupid human shut up , but he didn 't want to touch him at all . Eddie took a hand , and rubbed his eyes . " Do humans ever stop talking ? " He snapped , interrupting him . " I swear , maybe if you spent less time talking and more time paying attention , then maybe I wouldn 't have to risk my life for someone who could ' handle it them - self ' . " Eddie held up air quotations , and groaned as he felt his arms turn into jello . If Eddie had it his way , he would have left the flying to the pros . Humans weren 't meant to be high up . They weren 't meant to see the sky the way respectful Harpies were . " I would take up a different hobby if I were you . Maybe stick to sorting mail , yes ? Or would that situation go up in flames aswell ? " Skyler shoved Eddie 's clothes to his face . He was insulted and he glared at the harpy like Eddie was the most awful creature on Earth . " What the . . . Why be so rude ? ! " He finally yelled , his patience finally cracking . " I know you were arrested or whatever , but what the hell ? Why are you lashing it out on me ? ! " For a second before , Skyler had thought about looking at Eddie 's wings . He wanted to make sure that the exerted force didn 't cause anymore damage to it . . . But now , well , screw it ! If Eddie just wanted to be an asshole , then Skyler knew he didn 't want to take time dealing with him . Eddie took the time to put on his uniform again . He hated that guy , and now he had a good reason to : Eddie saved his life , and he was being a total dick . Eddie wanted to make some more bashes about the shitty job that the other man did do , but he knew he had too much to lose . He sat on the basket , his finger slightly poking out of the holes he had made . He would have to patch those up eventually . Maybe never . It wasn 't his job - - none of this was ! He had half a mind to fly out of the damned basket right then , but he knew he had too much to lose . Man , it was just a series of loses for Eddie today . And the day before . And the week before . Well , weeks before . Man , it had just been a lousy series of events so far , hasn 't it ? Eddie pulled one of his wings infront of him , and ran his fingers through it , grooming himself and making sure that his feathers were all the least bit healthy . He could use a bath eventually , but he could put it off for another day or so . He let the baby feathers flutter upward into the sky , and he doubted that the other man knew what he was doing . Skyler sat there awkwardly , watching the harpy . . . lick himself ? He wasn 't quite sure what he was doing . It reminded him of a cat , but this was a bird . How strange . Beasts are strange . Skyler wasn 't ever sure if he 'll understand the harpy . Instead , he stretched out to the best of his ability in the small basket . He tried to rethink his way through the situation he was just thrust in . Skyler had panicked . He had gotten too high in the air and panicked so badly , he was unable to save himself . It was a rookie mistake , but it was a deadly mistakes , and Skyler was in no hurry to repeat it again . He glanced around outside the basket , just to make sure he wasn 't too high . He was good . If it wasn 't for the fact that the harpy was there , Skyler would have died . Yes , he admitted it in his head . He probably would have passed out and died by suffocation . Then nobody would notice until the hot balloon ended . And everybody would go " What an idiot . Dying like that . Good riddance . " Skyler shuddered at the thought . " Thank you , Eddie . " He muttered finally , although sort of flatly . He then looked away , " You 're a jerk for lashing out , but thanks for saving my life . " He then looked over at the hole in the basket . Skyler reached over to pull out a kit that mends the basket , and he worked on it for the rest of the way . Eddie didn 't agree that he had saved the idiot 's life . He didn 't say or do anything . He had gotten good at ignoring things and people , so he did just that to the human as he picked his wings clean . But as soon as he had started , it was abruptly ended . Eddie stood up , and saw that they were a mere twenty feet or so away from the ground . So , Eddie decided it would be smart to jump out of the basket . He did just that , really . He jumped out and used his wings to flutter to the ground , but it did cause him slight pain . Instead of keeping his wings arched on his back , he let them droop until they were scraping the ground . Well , there went his idea for prolonging a nice bath . He felt exhausted , and he wanted to go back to his home . He got a messenger bag full of mail , and looked through it . He knew that he had all of the mail that was assigned to ' Them ' - - Them being folk like Eddie - - and the human had the human mail . It had to be that way , or else Eddie would be arrested again . Inside was a little map , a compass and a bundle of letters . Eddie took the map , looked it over , and looked at the road signs . He instantly felt tired , because he had a long walk to the other side of town . He didn 't say a word to his so helpful co - pilot , because he knew it would be futile . He didn 't want his help . He didn 't need it . Eddie pulled out a pen from his bag , made a mark on the map , and walked off in the direction of the slums . His talons clacked on the pavement as he made his ways into the ghetto . Skyler noticed the harpy leaving before he had a chance to follow . At first , he thought that Eddie would wait up for him - but nope . The harpy decided to do his own stuff . Skyler sighed and then yelled from within the basket . " MEET ME AT THE TOWN SQUARE ! " He tried screaming at the top of his lungs . When he got out of the basket , he tried to see if Eddie was still around . But of course not . Skyler dawned on the messenger bag and flipped through the various addresses . He knew where most of them were , he studied the maps , but it was all going to take quite some time . Skyler liked this part of the job too . He smiled to everyone when he delivered the mail . Some people hugged him in joy . Other people decided to invite him in for coffee or drinks ( he couldn 't refuse , of course ) . Some glared at him and yell at him , in which he quickly had to run away . Didn 't anybody ever hear of " don 't shoot the messenger " ? ! Ah well . Skyler still had his laughs and fun . By the time the sun was setting , Skyler happily made his way to the town central . He was holding a fruit smoothie , one of oranges . It was made by the person he just delivered a particularly nice package too , and he had thought that maybe Eddie would like it . He sat down by the fountain , waiting to see signs of the familiar bird creature . It took him most of the time to walk to the slums , and some more to get all the main to everyone . He got to the addresses alright , but he knew little about where to put it . The big ones he just . . . put on the door , right ? Small ones go into a slot ? Medium ones go in there too , right ? Eddie was about to go postal on the entire situation . He ran into a few Harpy children playing in the street , and he noticed the mother watching her children from a far . She was smoking a cigarette , and Eddie damned the humans who created them . They dull feathers and make bones brittle . Eddie went up to her , and handed her the mail . She instantly lit up , and took it from the boy . " Are you a mail - man ? " Eddie smiled gently . " You could say that . " " My daughter wants to deliver mail when she gets older . How did you get work ? " Eddie 's smile vanished . " I . . . I guess I 'm on work release . " He sighed . " I never wanted this , I got assigned . " There wasn 't much conversation after that . Eddie walked back to deliver the rest of the mail . And once he was finished , he decided to try and fly the rest of the way back to the basket . While he was getting a good wing workout , he felt like he was made of led . He was never going back to solitary confinement for as long as he lived . Eddie made it to the central , and felt like he was going to degenerate . Back in the city , nothing particularly grand happened . Mikhaeel Baxter sat in a coffee shop named Birds of a Feather ; one of the only congregated coffee houses in the city . The teen was looking out into the setting sun with a bored expression on his face . In his hand he had an orange pen and a napkin , with an outline of some spilled coffee onto it . Mikee surely wasn 't an artist , but he liked scribbling sunsets . He had a small collection of napkin master pieces in his room , and he liked adding to his collection . He sipped his coffee and sighed , looking out into the colorful world that he lived in . He wished he could see most of it all . As soon as Skyler saw Eddie he walked over with the drink . He held it out for him , noticing how awful the harpy looked . " Here , it 's orange . It 's to apologize for earlier , you know , for exploding on you . " He said quickly . He wondered if the harpy was tired from the work . Skyler knew his legs were starting to feel sore from the constant walking . They were actually suppose to head out once more , after picking up some food and taking a brief break for biological needs , but Skyler wondered if they could perhaps rent somewhere to nap . . . It wasn 't as if anyone would notice , right ? However , Skyler felt stares from around him . He glanced over and noticed a lot of people were staring . He could hear some of their whispers . He 's being kind to their kind . Skyler felt his face turn flushed at all the gossip , and he just quickly place the drink in Eddie 's hand . " Come on , we should go . " He muttered quickly . James was working that day . It was a long hard work day , but he managed . It was his first day as a bus boy , and he had finally finished washing all the of the dishes required of him . So , he decided to take a break . The manager was kind enough to give him 10 minutes . James sighed . He hated the prejudice that surrounded him , but what could he do ? It was the world he grew up in . It was all he knew . He was about to walk out of the cafe , in hopes of finding something else outside in the city in the mere 10 minutes , but something else caught his eye . A boy . Like a cliche romantic novel , James was immediately intrigued . He immediately walked over , pretending to be a waiter . He glanced over , looking at what the boy was scribbling so relaxed down on his piece of napkin . A sunset in orange . " Hello . " James said simply . He was about to say something witty , something that would grab some sort of attention . Something like ' Coffee isn 't a part of the sunset , you know . ' or like ' Are you really drinking coffee at this time of hour ? ' , but nothing came out of his mouth . Instead , it came out of his hair . Hiiiiissssssss . They all yelled collectively , reaching out and smacking the unsuspecting boy in the face . James flustered and freaked out both at the same time . He was freaked out because well . . . SNAKES . and he was flustered because well . . . Who introduces themselves by smacking another person in the face with a head full of snakes ? ! He pulled them back , using his hands . He winced visibly as they bit at him , and he felt like ripping them off and screaming . However , he just muttered . " You alright ? Sorry , they 're . . . " He trailed off , his face turning red and red . He felt so embarrassed , he could literally just die . " Yeah . They 're just that . " James finished lamely , then he turned around and immediately made a beeline to the kitchen again . Okay . Yeah . No more showing his face . Like , SERIOU # 16 Eddie didn 't want the drink , mostly because he could guess that it was made by human hands . He wasn 't an expert , nor was he good at judging social situations , but when groups of people come out talking loudly about who you are while someone else thrusts something into your hand , it may or may not be poisonous . He poured the entire thing onto the ground , leaving the cup there too , and headed back to the basket . He tried to keep his wings held high , but you can only do it for so long before it became a chore . Sure , they would naturally fall there , but when exhaustion came , it was always harder to do simple things . Eddie jumped into the basket , and let his wings fall out . His body was inside the basket , but his arms and wings were hanging out , much like how an exhausted dog hangs his head over a fall , or out a window , or much how a tired cat sleeps in the sunlight . Eddie was reverting back to his animal - like ways , and he felt like some days it would be much better to just fly with the birds . Mikee had spent the past twenty or so minuets just watching the sun start from the risen position and fall out of the sky . He chewed absently on the end of his pen for a good while , before he heard the sound of a stranger trying to spark something . Mikee shifted his blue eyes over to the other person , and looked over him instantly . He didn 't have enough time to do that quite well , because almost like clockwork , something came up to look over him . A lot of somethings , actually . Mikee didn 't look at the other boy long enough to notice anything besides a slightly scaly feature about him , but soon he saw it when the many somethings came hissing into his face . When the snakes appeared in his face , he felt as if he was turned to stone . The snakes were so quick , and they darted at him like he was a meal . Mikee jolted back , making something that was a little between a scream and a yelp , but it didn 't last long because the boy pulled them back and instantly headed out like Mikee was the plague . Mikee watched the boy run farther than where he was allowed , and he tried to understand what had happened . Well , he was approached by a very terrifying human - looking creature , that was for one , and two , that creature had a very friendly bundle of hair . Snake - hair . Mikee soon felt his stone - like feeling break away from him , and he looked down at his coffee . Skyler saw as Eddie just dumped it into the grass , which made him a little upset . At first he tried to ignore it . He breathed in a little , to keep himself calm , but he still glanced over at Eddie with disapproval . But still , he said nothing . He just climbed into the basket without a word . But as they raised up high into the air , and as he simply thought about it , Skyler finally couldn 't hold it in anymore . " Someone worked hard to make that , you know . That was mean . " He tried not to sound too harsh , but he was quite sure he wasn 't able to prevent his annoyance from leaking out . James still had a few minutes before he had to go wash the dishes . So he stood at the door . But then the manager came by , " Parker ! " he yelled out a bit . James stiffened and looked over at him . " Why are you just standing there ? The cashier took a break , you can handle taking his spot for a few seconds , right ? " Despite the question , James was really in no position to deny his boss . He reluctantly made his way outside and stood in front of cashier spot . " What did you . . . " James looked up as he approached the register and he saw the Sunset boy . He stared for a bit and quickly looked back down at the cashier . He remembered the coffee at the table . " That 'll be $ 3 . 15 . " James muttered calmly . Inside , he was freaking out . Eddie didn 't quite care about what the other person had to say , nor did he want to care . Was that person as dense as he sounded ? " Well , I don 't know about you , " Eddie started quite obviously , turning to look over his shoulder . " But if you took a good look around once in a while , you 'd maybe understand that strangers don 't take kindly to folk like me . " Eddie turned over to look at the endless sky . " Honestly , pick a fight with someone on your level . I 've been keeping myself alive for longer than you 've had a life . " That was a stretch , because Eddie was still just a kid , but he had enough of a life for then to say that the human had easy living . " That drink could have had anything in it . If I were you , I 'd be more upset about the people ready to kill me in the town square - - but oh , they 'd work hard to make my murder justified , wouldn 't they ? Someone would work hard to hide the body , or tell J . J Baxter exactly what he wants to hear . " Eddie wanted to fly by himself , but he knew his wings wouldn 't allow it . Mikee looked at the boy , and hesitated before he handed the money to the other boy . He expected the snakes in his locks to come out and hit him again , but the other boy - - James ? - - seemed to calm them down well . He pulled out a five , and handed it to the other boy . He thought for a moment , and spoke up . " Keep the change . " He stated gently . " Just you . It 's a tip . " One of the managers overheard this , and quickly intervened . " Sir , " They interrupted . " Why don 't you give it to someone more . . . hardworking ? " Mikee made a face . " Hardworking ? He 's the only person in this building who actually came to talk to me , and I 've been coming here for weeks . He deserves it more than you do . " The man looked at the customer , and glared at the Gorgon , before he left to his post . Mikee walked back to his table , and tucked the napkin into his pocket . He was ready to head out . Skyler muttered a bit , " They didn 't think they were making it for you , though . " He looked away afterwards . His glare settled on a cloud nearby . He was annoyed , but he knew that Eddie had a point . Eddie was a minority . He was a servant , a slave , someone to look down upon . Heck , he had even less rights than their pet dogs or cats in society . So Skyler could understand why he was so pissed off at the world . But still . Was that any right to be angry at everyone ? Skyler couldn 't help but think it was a pathetic way to live life . Not to mention exhausting . But who was Skyler to say or do anything about it ? After about half an hour , when the moon was starting to show it 's true colors , Skyler finally cleared his throat to speak up . " You don 't have to be that afraid around me . " He muttered , his mind set on making Eddie see the fact that not all people were bad . " In fact , when we get off the next city , I 'll make you some drinks , fruit drink ? And you can watch me make it , or something . I just want you to try something good without worry . " James was a bit stunned by the actions of the boy . First , a tip ! James was usually cheated off of his money ( although he usually managed to catch it ) , but never had he received a gift . He could feel the stinkeye from the manager to him , but James couldn 't get himself to care . He smiled a bit , ' I allowed you to keep a long - term customer . " He said with a bit of pride . The manager seemed to want to slap him , but instead , he stormed off . " Thanks . " James quickly said , managing to catch the sunset boy before he left . He felt slightly awkward , but he continued . " However . . . I 'm a little surprised you didn 't . . . scream or try to kill him . So , thanks for that too . I 'll buy you coffee next time as an apology . " James was actually aiming for a date , but he wouldn 't mind being the boy 's personal waiter if he got the wrong idea . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . To help pay for these monthly costs , we are more than happy to take donations from members in exchange for super spiffy extra tools and features on the boards . For more information you can view our Donating FAQs .
|
It 's hard to believe that Christmas has come and gone already . I rested so much just to get to that day , and then it flew by ! I woke up Christmas morning , had some breakfast , and opened some gifts from my friend , Karen . She was way too good to me ! I loved the gifts she got , too ! I hung out with Lisa and Brandon . We watched Ice Age : 2 , and Brandon made bbq ribs for part of our Christmas dinner at Mandy 's . I got dressed and ready to go over there , and felt a little tired , but ok . We left for Mandy 's around 3ish , and my family was all there ! We all tried getting things finished for dinner , and then enjoyed a very good meal around the pretty table Mandy had set up for us ! Everything was very yummy : red pepper and shrimp soup , cream of mushroom soup , brisket , chicken , ribs , sweet potatoes ( although I didn 't taste them , I 'm not a fan ! lol ) , roasted asparagus , parsley potatoes , croissants , and some carrots and celery sticks . Whooo , I 'm full just thinking about it again ! We ate dinner , chatted for a little bit , and then decided to open gifts ! Opening presents was fun ! We started out taking turns passing each other 's gifts out , and opening them and ooooohing and ahhhhhing , but somehow it turned out to get a little chaotic . lol I don 't know how Brandon liked my gift to him , Mandy told me she liked the necklace I made her , but didn 't say anything about the shirts I bought , and my niece just wanted to play with one gift and not open anything else . lol But it was alot of fun ! We thanked each other for our gifts , and then focused our attention to desserts . Mmmmmmm . We had key lime pie , a very yummy Dutch apple pie from Rick , and brownies and assorted goodies Mandy made . Again , I am full just thinking about it all . We just sat around and watched my niece nuke plastic food in her plastic microwave , and then bring it around to each of us to " eat . " It was quite entertaining ! Eventually I left with my parents . It was after 9 when I got home , and I felt so beyond exhausted that I was sick to my stomach . I guess it all hit me at once afPosted by It 's hard to believe that it 's already Sunday ! I haven 't been crazy crazy busy , but I 've still been pretty exhausted by the end of my days . Wednesday I got to see my godson , and it 's just amazing how big he 's getting . I can 't believe he 's almost 7 ! He was very tired when they were over here , and Eve said that when she brought him to her ex - mother - in - law 's , he instantly fell asleep when he got in the car . But it was nice seeing him , and he loved his gift ! Thursday , Eve helped me bring Mittens to the vet . Poor kitty , he had hot spots again , and as much as I truly did NOT want to bring him to the vet , I couldn 't let him lick himself to death ! ! So when it was about time to go , Eve got Mittens out of the cupboard where he 'd been chillin ' out , and stuffed him into the canvas cat carrier I have for him . He was not happy , and he kept rolling the carrier onto it 's side . lol We got him to the vet , and while we were waiting to be called in , 3 cats came out of their hiding spots to investigate what was going on with the crying kitty in the bag ! It was just too cute ! ! So we got into the examining room , and the guy asking me questions went to weigh Mittens . He gained a pound since I brought him in July , and I had cut back on his food ! ! The little porker weighs 21lbs now ! I showed the guy the hot spots , and he noted them , and then told me that Mittens might have to get his vaccines updated . I really made it a point that I did NOT want Mittens vaccinated , considering he is strictly an indoor cat . He said I could talk about it when the doctor came in , which was a few minutes later . Dr . G . didn 't even mention the vaccines , which was a relief ! But he was just so nice and friendly . He gave me tips on how to try to prevent hot spots from getting worse if this should happen again ( which I already have a feeling it will : ( And he checked Mittens out , and said he looked good besides the spots , which weren 't all that bad . He gave Mittens a cortizone shot in the butt , and that was it . We brought the poor kitty back home , and he was reliPosted by I spent most of yesterday afternoon trying to finish wrapping the majority of my gifts for people . I only have a few more to do , but they are little things , so that 's not too bad . I was so worried I 'd run out of wrapping paper , but I haven 't ! ! I just can 't believe Christmas is 6 days away ! I guess the time spent waiting for it this year went by quicker , since I 've been sick and pretty much have been in the house for most of the past 2 1 / 2 weeks . I 'm still not 100 % yet , but of course that 'll take time . I am much better than when I first started out with pneumonia ! But yesterday , I did too much , and now today I 'm rather tired . So I guess I 'm just going to have to keep taking it easy ! One of my best friends , Eve , called me a little while ago . She 's home ! She is visiting her parents right now for a few hours , and then she 's going to bring her son over here to see me . He 's my godson , and it just seems like yesterday I was holding him as a crying little baby ! And now he 's almost 7 years old ! He is almost the spitting image of Eve , it 's amazing ! So they will be over here soon , and then she will bring him to his Grandma 's to stay . She will be staying with me until Sunday . She 'll be in and out most of the time , but at least she won 't have to be entertained ! lolMy sister , Lisa , and her hubby , Brandon , are arriving here on Friday afternoonish . They are taking 2 days to drive up from Raleigh , which is good . Lisa keeps saying lately how traveling , as much as she loves to do it , is making her so tired ! ! Weeeeeell , she 's not the young 20yr old she used to be ! lol Not that she 's old , but driving very long hours can be taxing ! I 'm just glad they are going to take their time coming . I can 't wait to see them , too ! They are also staying with me , so it 'll be a bit crazy for a couple nights with both of them and Eve ! But it 'll be fun ! Well , I must make lunch and wrap a few more gifts . I 'm needing a nap soon , I hope I can take a little one before Eve comes ! I 'm tired just thinking about the days before Christmas ! ! lol I have pneumonia . My cat scan results came in today , although I had to call them this afternoon to see if they got them . My doctor said it 's definitely pneumonia . Her nurse asked me how I was feeling , and I did say that while I am feeling better than I was even earlier this week , my left lower side still is uncomfortable . I asked her if that 's where the cat scan showed pneumonia , and she was like Yeeeeeeep , it 's definitely your lower left lung . So my doctor ordered a Zpac for me , and I immediately told my nurse I can 't take that because it made me so sick and dizzy the one time I took it . So then she ordered Keflex , which sounds familiar , but I don 't think I 've been on it before . Someone is supposed to go get it for me later this afternoon . So I guess it 's alot more resting for me for several days ! But with the weather , that 's fine with me . It finally stopped snowing here , and we have a few inches of the stuff , and nothing is really plowed . Not to mention , it 's freezing ! ! So , I guess it 's good that I 'm stuck in the house ! My mom took me out for a couple hours yesterday afternoon . I 'm soooo thankful that the weather was alot better than today , and that I had some energy to be out . I finally finished Christmas shopping ! I 'm still working on a couple things , but I 've been able to finish that up online . But after a couple hours , I was definitely done for the afternoon . I was so tired , but it did feel so nice to be out for a little while ! Then last night , a friend I used to work with at Headstart called and asked if she could pick me up so she could take me for a little drive to see the lights around the local park near us . It wasn 't that bad outside , so I went . We chatted and saw the lights , and then stopped at Tim Hortons to get a couple of yummy hot drinks before she brought me back home . She came inside for awhile , and we talked . She loves my apartment , and wishes she had one just like mine . She is married , and has a house , though . Hmmm . lol Anyway , it was nice seeing her since it 's been awhile ! Well , time for me to Posted by . . . and now comes the waiting for results . I really hate that they won 't have anything until Thursday . UGH . I need an answer like today ! It 's just frustrating . It 's not my doctor 's fault , it 's the tech people who read the scans and do the report . I don 't know why it will take that long , but there isn 't much I can do about it . I will call my doctor tomorrow just to see anyway if they heard something . So far today , I did cough up blood around 7am , and am now just feeling tired since I couldn 't go back to sleep after that . Today is not that cold outside , and I felt like going to a store after my scan ! ! lol We were soooooo close to one store I want to go to to get Mandy a gift , but Joan had to get back to work . Maybe if I 'm feeling ok , I 'll ask my mom later if she just wants to go . I just need a little outing ! Nothing major , but I 'm so cooped up , and today is at least decent enough for me to get outside . We 'll see . Right now I need a little nap before hosting PH chat at 1pm ! I called my PCP 's office this morning around 10am , and asked for her nurse . They told me she was with the doctor , so I left a message saying that I still feel crappy , I 'm still coughing up blood ( not a ton , but come on , it shouldn 't still be there ) , and that my chest felt heavy . I wanted to know if there is another medicine I should be on , or what . They said she would get back to me . Two hours later , of course I haven 't heard anything . My mom , in the meantime , had called me and asked how I was , and I told her I was waiting for a call from the PCP . I also said that it 's getting to the point where I don 't know if I should just go to the ER up in Buffalo . So she told me to call the PCP back , even though it was their lunch hour , and I 'd get the answering service . So I did , and the lady who answered was kinda snooty . I told her how I called 2 hours ago , and she said that everyone was on lunch at that point . I snootily told her back that I just wanted an answer to what to do about still having bronchitis and coughing up blood , and she said " YOU ' RE COUGHING UP BLOOD ? ? ? ? ? " I just simply said yes , and she took my info and said she 'd pass it on to the PCP 's nurse . Not even a second after I hung up with the snooty woman , I got a call from my PCP 's nurse . She told me that my doctor wanted me to have a CAT scan done , just in case I do have pneumonia and it wasn 't showing up on the chest xray . She had to call me back to let me know what time it would be scheduled . I guess maybe if I have a crisis like that in the future , I should just call the answering service during lunch , and tell them there 's blood involved . It 's kind of ridiculous that I had to wait that long for some kind of answer ! I called my mom back to let her know about the CAT scan . While I was on the phone with my nurse , my mom had apparently called Buffalo General to find out what would happen and who I would see if I had to go to the ER . There is a PH doctor there , but she would only see me if I had to be admitted . If I was an outpatient , they would refer to the Posted by This evening was a tiny bit better than the rest of the day . I got up to make dinner around 5 : 30 , and just watched news and chatted on the phone for a little bit . I took a shower after the news hour was over . That was a bit tiresome . Drying my hair got me tired , too . I almost felt like chopping it off , but I knew that I would never live with myself if I did that . lol My mom called me to see how I was today , and I just told her it wasn 't a good day . And that I 'm trying to realize that I 'm not going to be 100 % myself for a while . I am going to call my doctor back again on Monday if I am still feeling this exhausted . I will finish the antibiotic on Thursday , but I would think that by now I 'd have a little bit of oomph . Oh well , not much I can do about it . I 'm off to bed now , and I 'm hoping tomorrow will be better ! ! Today hasn 't been the best day so far . I woke up actually feeling like it was going to be a good day . The achiness I 've had on my left side wasn 't so achy , which I was so thankful for . It 's still there a little bit , but not as intense as the past few days . So I was cautiously optimistic that I might have a decent day . So far , I couldn 't have been more wrong . I have managed to do a load of laundry , but I had to lay down for a bit after I put it in the dryer and finally got dressed . I fell asleep until about 1 : 30 , and felt a little better . Until I got off the bed . It seems like every move I make gets me so exhausted . I got the laundry out of the dryer , but it 's yet to be folded , and I don 't really care at this point . I did eat something for lunch , and then decided to try washing my dishes so I could clean all the fish containers . It took me an hour to get through all that , which is usually normal for me . What isn 't normal is that I feel ready to pass out again . I am so beyond exhausted , and so beyond frustrated . I would cry , but I know that would just zap more life out of me . I 'm really sick of this . I 'm tired of taking meds for this dumb bronchitis . I 'm tired of being excrutiatingly tired . I 'm tired of PH . I 'm just plain tired . So on that note , I 'm going to lay back down again , which I 'm also tired of doing . The only consolation with that is that my wonderful kitty is always there for me , under the blanket . He knows when I 'm not feeling well . He at least gets a smile out of me because he 'll scoot his butt up against my legs , almost like he wants me to know he 's there . Anyway , I sure hope I have more energy when I get up again . Because I really feel like I 'm on my last straw . I am about ready to go to bed , but I just wanted to give a little update . Well it 's not too much . I felt really tired this morning , and a bit achy on my left side where the ribcage is . So I eventually layed back down for awhile with a heating pad . I got up around 2pm , and I was able to do a few things that I really needed to get done . Such as working on a gift for a friend , and cleaning up a little . Then after dinner and a little tv tonight , I worked on some more gifts . I feel somewhat accomplished ! It gets so annoying when I am just too tired or not feeling well to do things . Hopefully I 'm getting stronger , though ! Well , goodnight ! : ) I had been pretty tired , ok exhausted , for at least the past week . More so than usual , and it 's gotten annoying ! Monday I had an already scheduled regular checkup with my PCP in the late afternoon . I got up Monday morning , and within about an hour and a half , I felt so drop dead tired that I had to go lay back down for awhile before I could even get dressed ! I did feel a little better when I got up , so I did some stuff before going , got dressed , and was on my way . I check in , finally get called in to see my PCP , and her nurse came in to ask the usual how - are - you - feeling routine . I told her that I 've been very exhausted lately , and wasn 't really feeling that well at that moment . She took my blood pressure , and went searching for a thermometer to make sure I didn 't have a fever . As I was sitting there waiting , a cough came out of nowhere , and I ended up coughing up some blood . I know , not pretty ! ! When my PCP finally came in , I told her what happened . She immediately thought maybe I had pneumonia . Oooooh great , just what I needed . She heard crackles in my left lung , and said I was going for a chest xray right after I left . She also prescribed amoxicillin , at a stronger dose than what I usually take when I 'm on it . I told her I 've had no fevers , no runny nose , no cough , no swelling , no nothing ! She told me she would let me know what the results were on the chest xray , and that she 'd see me again in 4 months , unless there are any other issues going on . So I left and got the xray done . I had no idea what time the place closed , so I raced there since it was almost 4pm , and sometimes they close at 4 . Luckily , they weren 't closed ! I got that all done , and when I went back outside , the snow had started , and it wasn 't all that pleasant trying to get home . I picked up my dad , whom I had called to ask if he 'd run into the pharmacy for me , and the drive there was horrendous . I ended up at one point , sliding into a car . No severe damage done to either car , and the car 's owner was so very nice because we were honest about it . OnePosted by I thought I would try something new and different ! I was playing around with my camera today , and I did a little video of all the things I put up for Christmas . I thought it would be more fun doing it that way than describing every last little thing . Which I could go on and on about . So I hope this works out ! Maybe I 'll do more of these video - blog entries ! Sorry if it seems a little dark . I have no idea how to adjust the lighting for the camera . I had all the lamps on in my living room , and it still seemed dark . I tried ! Make video montages at www . OneTrueMedia . com Today was a nice Thanksgiving , spent with my family . It seemed to be very low - key , which was just fine with me . I spent all afternoon yesterday making my strawberry banana bread , and my pecan pie , so I just relaxed this morning for awhile before getting dressed and going to my parents ' house . I got over there a little after 1pm , and helped make some of the items we were eating for dinner . My mom bought a turkey breast since it was only my parents , Joanie and I eating dinner . We also had mashed potatoes , gravy , stuffing ( not homemade this year ) , green bean casserole , corn , and cranberry sauce . It was very yummy ! I felt like I overate , even though I really didn 't take too much . We cleaned up , and watched some tv and then Mandy called us to say they were home and we could come over for dessert . Mandy 's was nice , too . We had pecan pie , pumpkin pie , cheesecake pie , and lemon meringue pie . It was quite tasty ! My niece kept making requests for Shake Your Booty , which I have on my cellphone . She is too funny with that ! So when I play the song , she headbangs instead of shakes her booty . lol Then we went down in the basements , so my parents could see the Wii system and the HD channels . We played Wii for awhile , and my parents even played ! I wish I had taken a picture ! I will when Christmas comes along . But anyway , it was a nice day , and now I am tired ! ! I am not shopping tomorrow , I 'm going to try putting up some decorations . I have no desire whatsoever to fight with people in the stores , to deal with the insane traffic , and to be out in the freezing cold temps here ! So good luck to all the crazy people trying to go out to the stores tomorrow ! I just hope everyone will be safe on the roads and in the stores ! ! I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving ! : ) I woke up tired , as usual , but I was determined to actually do a few things out and about before I had to host chat this afternoon . I finally got myself dressed and ready to go around noonish . First stop was the credit union . I chatted with Joanie for a few minutes . We compared arm soreness that we both were still experiencing from playing Wii games on Sunday ! After I left , I mailed a few things at the post office , and then went to a Dollar General closer to my house . It was so incredibly nice out ! We had an odd warm day , and the sun was out , and it just felt good . I got home , and hosted chat for about an hour . Seemed like people were busy today , but it is the holiday season , so it 's understandable ! After that , I noticed my sister , Joan , in front of my house with a rake . Then my dad showed up with a rake and a lawnmower . I thought to myself " Well this should be entertaining ! " So I went out there with my coat on , and decided to hang out and get more fresh air ! It still wasn 't too bad out , but the sun had decided to hide behind clouds , so it was a tad bit nippier . It was fun being out there , just chatting and laughing with Joanie and my dad . I went back in after the mailman came , got myself a sandwich , and then came back out again . I eventually went in because I started to freeze ! A little while later , Joanie , my mom and I were holding on to a piece of cording tied to my white birch stick ( well tree trunk , but my dad had cut down almost all the branches last year because the tree had died , so I called it a stick ) out in my front yard . We were pulling away from the electric power lines connected from my house to the street . As we were pulling , my dad was sawing near the base of the stick . He finally came over at one point and yanked on it too , and all of a suddent it came crashing down in our direction . Of course , it was supposed to do this , since we were all pulling it our way , but we all had to move quickly to make sure it didn 't hit us ! It came soooooo close to hitting my Joanie , though ! ! I 'm so happy it didn 't , thPosted by I have felt so exhausted lately . Friday , I tried exercising , and felt so tired after that I had to rest . I didn 't even walk 1o minutes . I tried exercising on Saturday , too , but felt the same way . Sunday I kind of felt odd , but didn 't do anything about it . Sunday night , I felt so worn out and felt like a cold was coming at any moment . I piled on the extra vitamin C , acidophilus , and Tylenol . I had some tea , too , since I was rather cold despite all my layers . I also ate some honey and lemon . I went to bed with 3 pillows , just so if I did get sick , nothing would go into my lungs . This morning I woke up feeling ok , still wondering if I was going to get something . But I kept up with the same routine as last night , and as of now , I have no cold . I 'll got some rest this afternoon , and I think that helped , too . But I 'll keep it up ! I just don 't want to get sick . I haven 't had a head cold in a little over 2 years . Which is BEYOND unbelievable because I grew up having at least 2 colds a year . The last time I had a head cold , I was so miserable that I remember just crying at my kitchen table . So I 'm really really hoping I won 't get anything ! ! Yesterday afternoon , I went over to my sister , Mandy 's house , with my sister Joan . We were going to play on the Wii that they got for their Christmas present . It was sooo much fun ! ! I wasn 't sure exactly how it all worked , but you use this remote device that you hook around your wrist ( so you don 't accidentally wing it at the tv , I guess that 's been known to happen alot ! ! ) . We played sports games , like bowling , tennis , golf and baseball . I sooooo did not try the boxing . That would really have worn me out . lol But all the other games were really fun ! My arm is incredibly sore from playing it . I think I need to pump more iron so I won 't end up sore again the next time I play . lol We can 't wait until Christmas when my sister , Lisa , comes home with her husband . We will be having dinner at Mandy 's house , and then I think we 'll have Wii competitions ! ! I 'm so excited about it ! Well I am off to Posted by I saw my gyn today . Well , really the nurse practitioner ( who I just love ! ) . She changed the pill I 've been on , and it will hopefully help me with future issues I 've been having . I sure hope so ! I 've been miserable on the pill I 've been on , so I 'm looking for a definite change ! I also have to get bloodwork done tomorrow , to see if I 'm anemic after all this . Hopefully that 'll come out fine . I 'm now off to take a nap , because I came home a little while ago . I went to Mandy 's house on the way home , and stayed for a couple hours . It was nice ! The kids are toooooo cute ! ! I 'm beat , though , and just relieved that I don 't have kids because they certainly can poop you out ! ! I just haven 't felt peppy lately , and it 's driving me nuts . I was too tired earlier today , and I hadn 't done anything ! While in PH chat , though , I wasn 't the only one who was dragging , so I guess that 's good . I layed down for a nap around 3 : 30 , and slept for an hour . It did help some , but I 'm going to bed in a bit . I 'm trying my best to do things around the house during the day , but I just get so tired , that I end up just taking a nap for a little while . I 'm hoping this changes soon ! My weekend was alright . I went to Mandy 's with Joan , and played with my niece for awhile . I was tired when I got home , but didn 't really nap . I just relaxed and watched a movie in the evening , and enjoyed my nice used couch ! ! It 's sooo comfy ! Sunday , I went to church , and had my parents over for lunch . I made homemade chicken and barley soup on Saturday night , so I had plenty to share ! I worked on a necklace later on , and then had to lay down . It 's a never - ending story ! ! I think tomorrow I 'm calling my gyn . I 'm having major issues , and I don 't know what 's going on . I 'm thinking this is part of the reason I 'm sooo exhausted . It 's higly irritating , I tell you that much ! ! Well , the bed is calling me ! I 'm off to la - la land ! ! * I have sent the following to friends and family for PH Awareness Month ! I wanted to post it here , too ! * Do you know what November is ? The month of Thanksgiving . Yes , but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The month of Veterans Day . Yes , but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Did you know that November is Pulmonary Hypertension Awareness Month ? Do you know what Pulmonary Hypertension is ? Pulmonary Hypertension is a disease where the blood vessels in your lungs constrict and make it harder for your heart to pump blood into your lungs to get oxygen . This causes the right side of the heart to enlarge and overwork . Do you know the warning signs of PH ? Shortness of breath , chest pain , extreme fatigue , being light - headed , fainting . Did you know that PH is hard to diagnose ? Many of the symptoms of PH can mimic other ailments and diseases . Did you know there are many reasons for one to have PH ? Some people may never find out why they have this disease . Others have it because of a congenital heart condition , or an auto - immune disease . Some have it because they took a diet pill called Phen - phen . You could have 10 PH patients in one room , and each of their causes for having PH could be totally different ! Did you know that PH does not discriminate ? Anyone can get PH . Children are born with it . Women in their child - bearing years are more susceptible to developing it . Older people can get it . People of every race can get it . PH has no boundaries . Most of you know my personal PH story . I was born with PH and congenital heart disease ( 2 holes in my heart ) . They were both discovered when I was 9 months old . I have been living with PH for 32 years now . I 'm on 2 PH meds right now , oxygen 24 / 7 , a variety of other meds for other issues , and I 'm holding my own at the moment . It hasn 't been easy , but I 've always done the best I could living with PH . I am very active on the Pulmonary Hypertension Awareness website ( www . phassociation . org ) . I host a Tuesday afternoon chat for fellow PHers , and I answer posts on the message boards . I am also a support group leader Posted by Sometimes the most unexpected things can make a person so wonderfully happy . I had two instances today in which I experienced unexpected events , and it has just made me smile for most of the day and evening ! The first occurred during my outing to several stores . The weather in Niagara Falls today was mostly wet , raining on and off . When I left one of the stores I had gone to , the sun was peeking out in one section of all the dark gray clouds . I turned into the parking lot to head to another store , when I looked out the window to my left . I had to hit the brakes . There in the sky was a huge arching rainbow . It was just such a wonderful feeling to see it , since it 's been I don 't know how long since I had seen one last . I find rainbows so magical and mystifying , even though there is science and logic to their existence . I took a couple pictures with my camera phone . Even though I 'm sure someone who would see the pictures would say why did you take a picture of an empty storefront ? , I can see that rainbow . And I 'll remember how happy it made me feel seeing it today . The second unexpected experience today may seem a little silly to some , but it still has me smiling ! I love Jeopardy ! I don 't know what got me into watching Jeopardy ! so much over the summer , but I watch it almost every night . I calculate my score to see how much I 'm " winning , " and I make wagers for the final question . Tonight 's Final Jeopardy ! category was " In the Southern Hemisphere " . Thinking , OK I 'm gonna lose , I wagered a measly $ 600 , and waited for commercials to end . I must backtrack for a second first . For the next 2 weeks , the Jeopardy ! contestants are former champions , and this is a Tournament of Champions . I have seen most of these players , and they are very good ! They won a lot of money . That being said , the commercials were over , and the final answer was revealed . I cannot remember the exact wording , but it had to do with the bear constellation , and what the Greek term was for it . The only thing I could come up with , considering the category haPosted by I don 't usually post pictures of my niece and nephew . But I wanted to post this pic of my niece , because you can 't see her face . I just think it 's so funny , a tiger on a Sit - n - Spin ! My last post has highly irritated me , by the way . Blogger , for some reason , stopped letting me do paragraphs . So near the middle to the end , it looked like I wrote one huge paragraph . I tried fixing it 6 times , but to no avail . Please , I am an English major , I know about paragraphs . So I 'm sorry if it seems all jumbled , but it 's not my fault ! ! It 's been an up and down week . I started out fairly good , able to walk on the treadmill several times earlier in the week . That 's always a plus ! Sometimes I do ok , sometimes I just have to stop . I 'm definitely not walking like I did after I started Tracleer . Back then I could walk up to 2 miles at a time . Now I 'm lucky if I get to half a mile . It 's very disappointing , but I guess just trying to keep walking is what counts . Halloween was a busy day , and I wasn 't home very much . I went down to my parents ' for lunch , and Mandy and Ron brought the kids over . OH MY GOSH , they were adorable ! My niece was a tiger , and she got her ROAR down pat ! My nephew was a giraffe , and it was just funny seeing the giraffe strapped in a car seat . lol After lunch , when the tired and cranky giraffe and tiger had had it , Mandy and Ron left , and I went back home to do a few things and rest . I was going back down to my parents ' to pass out candy , and then leaving afterward to go to my friend , Dee 's , house for pizza and snacks . I made haystacks , which are yummy , and brought them to my parents ' and Dee 's . Trick - or - treating was very slow at first , but around 4 : 30 , suddenly kids were all over the place ! My mom had gotten about 6 bags of candy , and I had 2 , but a little after 6pm , we ran out . I had to have seen at least 100 kids between 4 : 30 and 6pm . It was crazy ! It was fun , though , alot of cute costumes were worn ! Quite a few parents had dressed up this year , too , and they seemed to be having fun . I left for Dee 's after driving my mom to Dairy Queen and back home . I was pretty tired by then , but I stayed at Dee 's until about 9ish . I 'm so glad I didn 't stay later . Honestly , I don 't know how I drove home . I was beyond exhausted . And very achy . My lower back and legs were killing me ! I get like that every once in a while , and I hate taking anything for it , but I usually end up doing so . When I got home , I took a nice bath , and that did help the pain . It also made me sleepier . lol I struggled to stay awake until 11pm , when I had to take my last dColleen I usually don 't mind cooking . Sometimes I put no effort into it , because I just don 't feel like it . But there are times I really do surprise myself . I woke up from a nap this afternoon wondering what to have for dinner . I decided to have leftovers from the other night : marinated chicken , brown rice , and peas . Then I thought , I really need to make the yellow squash and zucchini I have , so I decided to sautee them in olive oil , and add the peas and rice to it , and mix it up . Then I thought , why not cut the chicken up into small pieces and throw it in there ? So I did ! Lastly , I realized I had a can of Italian flavor canned tomatoes , and I thought , hey I 'll throw that in ! My goodness , it was such a yummy meal ! I only had a small serving of it , and I 'm still stuffed . I have to say I 'm quite proud of myself . And of course , it made so much that I can have it again for lunch and dinner for 2 days probably . I didn 't even use a recipe ! I can 't say the same for my split pea soup I made from scratch yesterday . It looked good , smelled good , but when I had some for dinner , I just wasn 't feeling it . I was so disappointed . I tried some again for lunch , and actually ate the whole bowl . I think it was mainly because I was so hungry . I just don 't want to have to throw it all out because I won 't eat anymore . I think that was my last pot of homemade split pea soup forever ! I 'll just eat my mom 's whenever she makes it ! : ) I can 't believe it 's Saturday already . Where did this week go ? It seemed to start out sooooo slow at first . Monday was such a long day . Twelve hours at a hospital is just not fun , not to mention it was a gorgeous day that I missed , too ! Tuesday , I was back there again with my mom . But the good thing was , we brought my dad home . : ) He 's doing pretty good , just in a little pain and discomfort with the catheter . This coming Thursday can 't some soon enough for him . He gets it out then , and I 'm sure he 's counting down the hours ! ! Wednesday I went to my sister 's house , and played with my niece . I hadn 't seen them in awhile . The kids are just so cute . And spending time with Mandy is always fun . I am proud of her . I never thought she 'd be the first to be a mommy out of the 4 of us , but she 's done such a great job so far . She loves those kids more than anything , and I admire her for her strength . Thursday was chore day . I didn 't do too badly . I washed 2 loads of laundry , folded them and put them away . I washed my dishes . I also took out my winter wardrobe , and put away my summer stuff . Finally ! And just in time , too . There 's no way I 'm wearing anything summery again for awhile . I 'm sad about this ! Anyway , I paced myself all day doing stuff . So I didn 't get myself utterly exhausted . I hate that I have to do that , but I 'd hate myself more if I didn 't ! Friday , I felt so weird . I don 't even know how to explain it . Not enough energy to get through the day , but somehow I did it because I had to . I went out to a few places , credit union , post office , pharmacy . Then I stopped by my parents ' house to see my dad . The reverend from his old church was visiting . I called first to see if my dad was sleeping , and my mom answered , saying Rick James was visiting . I was like , " Isn 't Rick James dead ? ? " LOL Anywho , he was a nice man to meet . After he left , I stayed for a little bit , but then went home . Today was just blah . I never even got out of pjs . I spent most of the morning online talking to people , reading stuff , playing games with my sistPosted by This is going to be brief , since I 'm exhausted from being at the hospital for 12 hours . My dad 's surgery went well ! There was a slight complication in the beginning , that his doctor almost didn 't think he 'd be able to continue . But , his doctor persisted , and overcame the obstacle , and the rest of the surgery went smoothly ! It took almost 5 hours , and around 9pm we got to see him . He was still rather groggy , so we didn 't stay too long with him . But I am so relieved that everything went well . We will go back tomorrow morning , most likely , and my dad can come home around 2pm . So right now , I 'm off to bed ! ! Thanks for the prayers out there , I know they have helped my dad through this surgery ! This October flew by , and although there are still several days left , I 'm rather relieved . I don 't usually like when the months fly by , but this month was just so busy for me . Between going back to Cleveland in the beginning on the month , to three weekends in a row with major plans , I 'm wiped ! This weekend was my support group meeting , and it went really well . I had two UB students come talk about diet and nutrition . I had given them the PHA 's website so they could learn more about pulmonary hypertension , and I was very impressed with how much of their talk incorporated appropriate ideas for PHers . I learned quite a bit , and the PHers who came to the meeting were great and asked alot of questions . It definitely went well ! Tomorrow , my dad is going to Roswell Park Cancer Institute for surgery . He discovered a couple years ago that he has prostate cancer . The doctors took a wait - and - see approach in treating it , and while the cancer is still not at a high risk point , the doctors saw something in his testing over the summer that prompted my dad to make a decision about having surgery . I know my dad doesn 't want to do the surgery at all . He said he 'd rather just live with the cancer . He 's more worried about the possible side effects from surgery than dying from cancer . That 's been a very hard pill for me to swallow , even though I know that is his decision . However , I 'm very relieved that he is having the surgery tomorrow . So I 've been praying for him for a couple months , that everything will go well , and his recovery will be quick , too ! Not too much else to report , really . I think I can finally concentrate more on making jewelry , and some gifts for people who asked me to make things . I want to have a jewelry party or two , so I need to start thinking of where and when . I need some cash , plus I just like people to see what I 've made ! lolWell , I 'm off to bed soon . I 'm very glad that my dad doesn 't have to be at the hospital until 10 : 30am . I think I 'd have to find a hospital bed if he had to be there at like 6 : 30am . lol Once again , it 's that time of month for dear Judi 's Artsy Essay Contest ! Please see the rules and regulations for this month here . I entered a couple month 's ago when Judi decided to revive this wonderful contest , and decided I 'd like to give it a shot this month ! Here goes ! My Ideal DayMy ideal day would start out at 7am to get ready for work , instead of getting up to take a pill . My ideal day would be going to work as a teacher , instead of wondering if I 'd feel well enough to do anything for that day . My ideal day would be working out at a gym , instead of hoping to have enough energy to just walk for 6 minutes on the treadmill at home . My ideal day would be to freely walk about around my home and in public , instead of being tethered to a plastic tube going into my nose , providing oxygen to keep me going . My ideal day would be remembering meeting times with friends or family , instead of keeping track of the 8 different times I need to take a pill or vitamin in a day . My ideal day would be to go for a walk down the street with energy , instead of feeling so short of breath that I have to stop walking for a few minutes . My ideal day would be to hope in the car and go for a drive , or a long trip , instead of worrying about what to do for oxygen needs and if I had enough medicine to do so . My ideal day would be to keep going from one thing to another , instead of needing a nap in the afternoon just so I can finish the rest of my day . My ideal day would be to be a normal person , with no health concerns , instead of being a pulmonary hypertension patient wishing that every day would be one that I can make it through . ~ CMS Today is the wedding I 've been planning on going to for like months ! My sister , Lisa 's , best friend is getting married . Kat has had her wedding planned out for months , and she 's been looking forward to it . Lisa flew into town on Thursday , and her husband got here yesterday . Lisa 's been pretty busy since Thursday ! We haven 't seen much of her , but that 's to be expected . The wedding is at 2pm , and the reception is at 5pm . So I 'm just trying to get as much rest as I can so I can make it all day . The weather is so much cooler than it should be this time of year . Which is kind of funny , because just last weekend it was so much warmer than it is for this time of year . I wish the weekends could have been switched around ! Anyway , that 's my Saturday . Started off with a flu shot at 9am , so I am hoping I won 't be in pain later on . That might not be fun ! I don 't know where the energy came from today , but I have accomplished quite a bit . Even despite feeling a little blah . My sister and her husband are coming into town this weekend for a wedding that my whole family has been invited to . Lisa is in the wedding , since it 's her best friend from high school getting married . So , I needed to clean up around here before they were coming ! Well , I needed to clean period , but they were just motivation ! So from about 11am - 2 : 30pm , I did the following : - cleaned the bathroom - vacuumed : thank goodness for the removal of carpets this summer from my place , because vacuuming takes far less time and effort to do now ! - hung up a couple pictures , and hit my thumb with the hammer AGAIN - cleaned the glass table and mirrors - hung up Halloween decorations , including those fake spider webs , which now makes it look like I 've never cleaned ! haha ! So , I guess maybe the Revatio is kicking in ? ? I don 't know ! I think what helped me along was the fact that I was listening to music the entire time . Music always gets me motivated ! However , by the time 4pm rolled around , and I had finally had lunch and sat a bit , I was pretty tired . I tried taking a nap , but that was kinda unsuccessful . There is still alot more I 'd like to accomplish , but I am not going to press my luck by doing any more today ! I got all ready for a huge flea market that I signed up for today this week . I was so excited ! I was hoping to sell at least one or two of my jewelry items or tealight lamps . My mom came over and got me around 8 : 30am . We packed the van with stuff ( she had also some miscellaneous items she wanted to get rid of ) , and headed to the place where the flea market was supposed to be . It was nice and sunny , and I was prepared to have a nice afternoon ! We got to the place , and there were a ton of people setting up their tables . I found my table after trekking all over looking for it , and I started setting up my items . My mom made several trips to the van to bring all of her stuff , and eventually we got things situated . People started coming , and it was nice ! About 45 minutes later , ominous clouds started hovering above us . I thought , geesh , it isn 't supposed to rain today . I saw the weather report at least 4 times for Saturday , and there was no rain involved . So I thought we should be alright . NOT ! About 15 minutes later , it started drizzling . I saved the tealight lamp shades right away , since they are made of paper . We covered my jewelry with plastic bags , and waited to see how bad it might get . After a bit , it let up . For 5 minutes . My mom went to get us food , and it started really raining again . We eventually just packed everything up and left . I was so soaked by the time my mom dropped me off , that I had a hard time getting my jeans off to change . lol My fingers were wrinkled like prunes ! ! I don 't know if there are people still there , although I 'm sure there are . Some people left like we did , but quite a few were staying . I can 't blame them for trying , but I just didn 't want to take a chance of catching a cold or something ! Of course , now as I 'm writing this , the rain has stopped and I see some sun peeking through . * SIGH * A funny aside , however . I got hit on while there . lol There was a black guy at the table across from mine , he was nice and cute , too . when I was almost ready to leave , he said " well if you 're not coming bPosted by I got back from Cleveland last night around 7 : 30pm EST . It was a long day , with some interesting results . Not exactly terrible news , but not news I was expecting to really hear either . First of all , I had an echo . Now I 've never had an echo done by a man before . I was a little concerned about it , but the guy was very nice ! His name was George , and he was from Romania . George was quite entertained by my last name , which means " hurry up " in German . So he did the echo , and he was very good at it . I 've had some techs who I 've wanted to slap because they were pressing so hard , it hurt like crazy . He told me if he was pressing too hard , to let him know . But he wasn 't ! I hope that George is around the next time I need to have an echo done ! My bloodwork was next , and that went just fine . I didn 't have to wait in the long line I saw when I passed by on my way to get the echo done . There were like 25 people in line then , it was nuts ! ! After having some soup for lunch , I had my 6 minute walk . I had a feeling I wasn 't going to do well , and that feeling was justified afterward . I went down yet again , only walking 1065ft . That was down about 200ft from the last time , and the time before that , I had also gone down about 250ft . My doctor doesn 't really like this trend of mine . I don 't really like it either ! ! I was hoping that he was just going to tell me to go up on Revatio ( which he eventually did ) , but he started looking at all the times I 've been to the clinic to figure out what to do with me . He is concerned that my lungs are eventually going to need to be replaced , considering especially that I 've had PH for 32 years . That is a LONG time for lungs to be diseased and still viable . But he is not saying that I need a transplant right now . There are still some options , but of course , he doesn 't want me to be so sick eventually that I wouldn 't make it through a transplant . There are several other treatment options , some of them my doctor isn 't too thrilled about . He isn 't sure he wants to try Ventavis with me , which is an inhaled drPosted by I 'm leaving for Cleveland in a couple hours . I have appts tomorrow with my PH doctor , including an echo and 6 minute walk ( blah ! lol ) . I 'm still feeling short of breath , although it 's starting to calm down a bit . I 've been tired the past week , but I 've also been doing alot , too . I 've got so much on my mind for October , that I 'm starting to stress . I have felt a few heart palpitations , especially yesterday . Today 's been good so far . So I 'm glad I 'm going to Cleveland . Hopefully Dr . Gildea will finally put me on the full dose of Revatio . And then I can really see if it 'll help me ! The ice cream truck just drove by . I 'm sorry , but I think it 's time to give it up for the season ! ! ! Sorry , had to vent . lolWell I must get something to eat , and maybe take a little nap before leaving soon . I 'll post results of my appointment soon ! My weekend went by quick , and it wasn 't all that exciting . It was basically relaxing , and not doing much . I mean really , I don 't think I did anything truly productive . I talked to a few friends for awhile . On my NEW PHONE . hehe I added almost 300 songs to my phone yesterday , and that took me quite awhile ! So I guess I did do something ! lolToday I 've been pretty busy , and it 's such a difference from over the weekend . I am preparing for an upcoming PH support group meeting next month . I 'm having a couple student speakers talk about diet and nutrition , and I think it 'll be a good turnout . So this morning , I called a representative for Gilead , a pharmaceutical company that distributes the newest FDA approved treatment for PH , which is Letairis . He is actually a local person ! And he knows so many of the doctors and hospitals in this area who are diagnosing and treating PH patients . I had a great conversation with him . He is willing to attend my meeting , and also provide lunch . Yay ! ! All I need now is the girl 's last name who is coming to speak , so I can have it on my invitations . I hope she calls me soon , or else I 'll just forget it , and I 'll introduce her the day of the meeting . lolI also called a number my mom gave me yesterday to ask about an upcoming flea market that is very close by . It 's on October 6th , at the site of a former school . I have put my name down for a table . I hope to sell alot of my jewelry and lamps , but we 'll see what happens ! I also hope it won 't be too cold , since it 's an outdoor event . I 'm glad my mom saw the number in the paper a couple times . I 'm also glad she remembered to tell me ! Let 's see , oh I also walked on the treadmill earlier ! I got a 1 / 2 mile in , and it wasn 't too terrible . My legs didn 't feel like lead like they did a week ago when I tried walking . I did stretches and some weights , too . I hope I can do it a few more times this week . I go back to Cleveland for tests on Monday , and I have a feeling my walk won 't be any better than last time . But , we shall see ! I have to babysit shortlPosted by My week has been ok . Not the best PH - wise , but I 'm hanging in there . I 'm still very short of breath , which has been driving me nuts . I seriously hate this time of year . I keep thinking that maybe I 'm really getting worse , but I go through this EVERY fall ! ! I can 't understand it . I 'm trying to patiently wait it out , but it 's so frustrating . I go back to Cleveland on October 1st , and I can tell you right now that I won 't be doing well on my 6mw . I 've been trying to exercise , just doing 6 minutes on the treadmill , and it hasn 't been going well . At least I know that if I don 't do well , my doctor will most likely just say to increase my Revatio to the full dose , and see what happens after that . So that 's my only consolation about that . I really just want things to calm down with the sob ! ! Other than the PH crap , I bought some new things this week that I 'm just excited about ! ! I got a lovely new lamp for my bedroom , and the shade goes perfectly with the red accents in the room ! ! I had to return the base of the lamp yesterday , since the shade wasn 't fitting on it for some reason . I realized when I got a different one , that the base had a missing piece on it ! So when I got back home last night with the new base , I put the shade on it , put the bulb in , and voila ! There was my fabulous new lamp ! I just LOVE it ! ! I also bought a new , comfy white bra . I know you really wanted to know that . LOL Tuesday , I went to Verizon Wireless to compare 2 cellphones I had my eye on for the past couple weeks . My 2 year contract is up next week , which allows me to get $ 100 toward a new phone ! I wanted to see the phones up close and personal , before I made my decision . I finally decided on the new dark cherry chocolate phone from LG . I 'll be able to play mp3 's on it ! ! I went back home after looking at the phones , and ordered it online . So the phone should be arriving via FedEx at any moment today ! ! I 'm patiently waiting for it ! ! I can 't wait to play around with my new toy . Of course , I 'll have to charge it up first , so I 'll have to patientlyPosted by Today is my 32nd birthday . While some people like to blow off their birthdays when they get older , and try to deny their age , I celebrate every year I get ! Living with PH all these years hasn 't been an easy thing , and yet , somehow I 've made it this far . I thank the Good Lord for all the days He has given me so far . Even when I 've had some tough periods , He has always given me strength to get through them , even when I didn 't feel all that strong . I also thank God for my family , who has been there for me in everything I 've gone through . I love them tremendously , and feel blessed to have them in my life . I also feel the same with my dear friends . They are also a huge support system , in so many ways . And then there is my PHamily . I am so thankful for finding the PHA website , and realizing that there were other people who are , unfortunately , dealing with PH like I have been since birth . These people have truly been comforting and supportive , in a much different way than my family and friends . My PHamily truly understand where I 'm coming from when I say I have no energy , or I feel so short of breath , or am worried about a side effect , etc . It 's not that my family and friends don 't understand , it 's just that my PHamily completely gets it . So I love them just as much ! ! So I thank everyone in my life for being who they are . I love you all so dearly , more than words can express . I hope you all know how much you mean to me ! Thank you for being there for me , and I hope to have at least another 32 years here with you all ! : ) It 's been 2 nights so far that I 've taken Revatio in a 20mg dose . So far , no headaches , no yucky metal taste in my mouth . My blood pressure has dropped within half an hour of the dose , but it 's still in the normal range , so it hasn 't been a problem . Yay ! ! ! I 'm going to call Svetlana tomorrow afternoon , to keep her updated . But so far , I 'm glad that I 've decided to up the dose , even though it 's slight ! I am going to clean the kitchen table . I 'm having friends over tomorrow night , and I guess the table should be cleared so we won 't accidentally eat some beads . lol I 've been on Revatio for almost a month now . I started it August 16th , at a half a dose ( meaning 30mg a day , not 60mg ) . My PH doc wanted to ease me onto it slowly , since a drop in blood pressure and headaches can be quite common when a patient starts it . I know that my body still needs time to adjust to it , and get used to it being in my system daily . I had some pretty horrendous headaches a couple weeks ago , but they are gone now . I really haven 't noticed a change at all yet , though . However , the change of seasons always bothers me , and I also have not been on it all that long . Not to mention , I 'm only on half of what I should be ! Today I called Svetlana , Dr . Gildea 's nurse practitioner . I 've been calling her weekly , to let her know how I 've been feeling , how my blood pressure is , if I have headaches or any other weird symptoms , etc . I told her I haven 't had a headache in awhile , and I 've also been feeling short of breath lately . I told her I knew that was because of the weather . It 's been getting cooler , and today was humid , and I could just feel it in my lungs . She asked if I wanted to just stick with half the dose until I see Dr . Gildea again on October 1st , or if I wanted to try taking 20mg for my last dose of the day . I decided to give the 20mg a go ! I really didn 't feel like waiting another 2 1 / 2 weeks before I got to increase the dose . So tonight I will be taking the first 20 mg dose . Actually , I will be taking it in about 10 minutes . lol I 'm hoping I won 't get a headache from it , but if I do , at least it 's not that long before I get to go to bed . I 'll make sure I take my blood pressure reading a couple times , too . I 'll be calling Svetlana back again on Friday to let her know how it 's going , and if it 's causing issues , I can just decrease it again . But I 'm keeping my fingers crossed that there won 't be any ! So wish me luck ! ! lol I think it 's quite obvious that I made some decoration changes to my blog ! I 'm all ready for Fall . Being that Fall isn 't exactly one of my favorite seasons , I 've surprised myself that I don 't seem to mind it this year . Well , at least not yet , anyway . Technically , it 's still Summer . But once we get past Labor Day , and the first day of school starts , I no longer see it as Summer ! Fall signifies the start of changing weather patterns , which usually is a relief to many people with PH . Not to me , really . When the cooler weather starts , I usually feel more crappy and short of breath . Even despite being on two medicines now to help control those symptoms . Fall also means that Winter is on the way , and I HATE being cold ! ! I will also find out if getting rid of my carpets and having the hardwood floors was a good idea this summer . I hope the heat won 't escape so easily when it 's time to turn it on ! But this Fall , I also see a lot of promise and change . My Dad will have prostate cancer surgery in October . A friend of mine will be getting married in October , as well . I 'm assuming at some point , my little nephew will be baptized . And I 'm crossing my fingers that I will be able to attend Cleveland Clinic 's symposium for PH in November . I 'm hoping that suddenly , Revatio kicks in for me , and I can start exercising so much more again . So Fall is a little exciting , and a little apprehensive for me , too , this year . I just hope to see everything in a positive light , which I 've been able to do alot lately ! It 's a little hard to believe that a week has already passed by since I was in Horseheads for my aunt and uncle 's surprise 50th birthday party ! The week certainly has flown . But last weekend was definitely alot of fun , and a great way to end the busy summer I had this year ! Last Sunday was the day of the actual surprise party , but the whole weekend was a game of trying to get my uncle to simmer down before it happened . He found out Friday that almost all his sisters were in town ( he has 9 sisters , and 1 brother ! ) . When he found out his sister from Georgia was flying in , he was even more upset . He couldn 't understand why everyone was there , and no one had really informed him until the last minute ! ! His daughter gave him the excuse that it was Labor Day weekend , and everyone happened to be free to come to Grandma 's for a visit before the busy school year began . Well , ok . He kind of accepted that . So the plan to get Bob and Jane to the surprise party was as follows : My cousin , Ryhan ( Bob and Jane 's daughter ) , has a daycare . One of the kids in her daycare is her best friend Denise 's daughter . Ryhan asked her parents to babysit Aubry ( the daughter ) while Ryhan helped Denise set up for her family 's " Labor Day party . " Aka The Surprise party . Then Bob and Jane were supposed to bring Aubry to the party around 5 : 15pm , and hang out for a little bit . What they were really supposed to be doing is coming their own party and hanging out alot more than just half an hour ! So , the plan was working for the most part . Besides the fact that Bob was perturbed . He came over to Grandma 's house with Jane and Aubry on Sunday morning , and was talking about the fact that they had to show up to this " Labor Day party " later , and how they wanted to just skip it altogether , and let Denise pick up Aubry later . Of course , we couldn 't say anything to them ! We made the excuse that Beverly ( one of Bob 's sisters ) was going to have all of us at her house for dinner around 6 : 30 . So he thought , oh good , at least I 'll get to see everyone ! Needless to say , hePosted by My mom and I are leaving tomorrow for a mini - vacation ! We are going to Horseheads , NY , where my mom grew up . It 's going to be a great time , since many of my aunts and uncles are going to be there as well . My Aunt Jane and Uncle Bob are both turning 50 this year , and their daughter , Ryhan , is throwing them a surprise party on Sunday ! She 's been planning this for over a year , and apparently they have NO CLUE ! ! So that 's the biggest reason my mom and I are going . My mom comes from a family of 11 children , eight sisters and two brothers . All of them are going to be there except for two sisters . One lives in Arizona , and that 's just a bit much to go for a weekend . And one just isn 't really involved with the family anymore . But I 'm so excited to see everyone else , and my grandma ! ! She is 84 , and still kicking pretty good ! You wouldn 't even know she 's 84 , she looks like she 's in her late 60s ! That is why I look like I 'm 12 ! I get my young genes from my mom 's side of the family for sure ! heheSo I 'm off to bed soon , so I get enough rest for the trip . It 's not that long a drive ( about 3 hours ) , but I stress out sometimes when driving with my mom ( making it a 4 hour trip with her ) . lol I 'll be back some time on Monday ! ! :) : ) I am incredibly angry right now . More like livid . In the PH chat rooms tonight , a person named Sarah came into the chat room . She started out ok , saying she was in the room because she wanted to find out more about PH . She didn 't have PH , but a friend did , and she wanted to know what it was really like with PH because she thought her friend was faking it . I 'm sorry , faking it ? ? ? ? How do you fake being so out of breath after walking up a flight of stairs ? How do you fake being a little blue after just walking down your hallway ? How do you fake blowing up with fluid because your heart is starting to go into failure ? How do you fake being tired when you do something simple like making your bed ? How do you fake a disease with tests and doctor visits that cost an incredible amount of money ? How do you fake an illness with treatments that can cost thousands of dollars a month ? I can 't begin to tell you how angry I was to hear this woman spew all of the things she thinks her friend is faking ! ! This woman obviously has no clue what it 's like to have a serious and life threatening disease . I mean , most people don 't know what it 's like , but at least they have some sort of compassion and caring in them . This Sarah kept telling us that she wanted to take over and control our PHriend ( yes , we figured out that she was talking about a PHriend on the boards ! ! ) , and that she has been trying to get our PHriend 's medical records , and trying to contact her doctors . She kept saying her friend was unstable and mentally not all there . I just couldn 't believe it ! ! What kind of a friend are you when you say that about someone you supposedly care about ? ? It was all so very upsetting ! And when we finally called her out on who she was , she shut up for a very long time . Then someone started saying something to her again , and eventually all of us were telling her to leave the room and never come back ! No one can sit there and tell a room full of PHers that they think someone they know is FAKING THIS ILLNESS ! ! ! She got an earful from us , and I sure hoPosted by I 've had such a busy several days ! Wednesday I was out all day visiting . First I went to Mandy 's house for most of the morning and early afternoon . I played with my cute little niece for awhile , and she just cracks me up ! And I got to see my cute little nephew , too , but he was sleeping most of the time . It was nice to just sit and chat with Mandy after both kids were sleeping . I still miss having her upstairs sometimes , but there is definitely no room for them there now . After I got home from visiting them , I got a call from a friend I used to work with at Headstart . She had had surgery , so she is off for 6 weeks , and she wanted to know if I wanted to come visit . So I did ! We just sat on her back porch for a few hours , chatting away . I find it funny that I really didn 't like her at first when I started working at Headstart , and now she is one of the only people I still talk to after I left there ! I 'll probably visit her again since she 'll have alot of time off work ! Thursday was the day trip to Cleveland Clinic for my first dose of Revatio ! My dad and I left at 7am ( ewwww ) , and got to Cleveland right at 11am . We were called in by Svetlana , my doctor 's nurse practitioner about 20 minutes later . She told us that Dr . Gildea wanted me to start a half dose of Revatio . So my dad had to go down to the pharmacy to buy a pill splitter ! Revatio is not scored , since it 's not really meant to be taken in halves , so it was necessary to get that splitter ! Anyway , at noon , I said " Cheers ! " and swallowed the first half dose ! After that , Svetlana took my blood pressure , oxygen saturation levels , and heart rate every 15 minutes for the first hour . She also asked me if I had a headache , any vision problems , but each time I said nope ! So after the first hour , I was allowed to get up and walk around a bit . I took a trip to the little girl 's room , and then Svetlana weighed me . After that , I just sat in the chair in the room , and she checked me only twice that hour . I still wasn 't feeling anything unusual , and my blood pressure was fine Posted by I know , it 's been awhile since I wrote . I was reminded of this by a good friend ! lolIt seems so much has beeg going on , and the summer is just sliding away so fast . This week will be pretty busy come Thursday . I am leaving in the early morning with my dad to go to Cleveland , so I can finally take the first dose of my new medicine , Revatio ! ! I 'm so happy about this , because lately I 've been feeling a little more short of breath . And I 've gotten back into exercising again , and I know I 'm not doing as well as I was before . So I truly hope Revatio works for me , and gives me more energy to get through things ! I have heard some of my PHriends say it 's worked right away , so that is good to know ! Wish me luck ! ! My living room rug is being ripped out this weekend by my wonderful friends ! ! I 've slowly been packing things in boxes so it 's easier to move the furniture out of there . I just cannot wait for it to be gone ! ! I really am going to feel like I have a modern living room when it 's out of there . And my friend bought me an awesome area rug that I saw , and it will look so good in the room . So by the end of this weekend , I will be out of the 70s in the living room ! ! ! lol About 2 weeks ago almost , I asked my fellow PHriends whether anyone would like an afternoon chat . We have chat practically every night during the week , except for Saturdays . So I posted the question on the PH boards . And it looked like it was going to be a grand idea ! ! So last Tuesday ( the 24th ) , I hosted the first afternoon chat . And it was a success ! In the hour and a half that I could be there , I saw at least 14 different people come and go . It was so good to see so many of us come together to chat . Many were people who can never make it to the night time chats for various reasons . So I was pleased ! Today chat was very busy again ! So I 'm so glad that I asked everyone whether it was a good idea . And I plan on continuing it for as long as I can ! I read an article earlier today about some people who were missing pages out of the new Harry Potter book . They were either completely missing , or they were just in the wrong section of the book , causing some problems in reading it coherently ! ! Some people are keeping the book as a collector 's item , and some are trading them in for a new version . Tonight I was reading my copy , and I got up to chapter 15 . I like to skim and see how long the chapters are , so I was trying to figure out when chapter 15 ended , and chapter 16 started . I soon realized that I had 33 missing pages ! ! I couldn 't believe it , just my luck ! ! I called one of my sisters to tell her ( she finished the book in 2 days , so she said I could borrow hers to finish reading ! ) , and then one of my friends . After getting off the phone , I looked at my book again , and discovered that I really wasn 't missing the pages after all . They were just in a completely different section . Soooo , I can continue reading the book ! On Ebay , however , I found 2 copies of misprinted books . One is going for $ 50 right now , and the other is going for a little over $ 80 . So I might have to consider putting my book on Ebay after I 'm done for some extra cash ! ! Of course , I would have to get myself another copy of the book , and hope that it 's not missing pages either ! ! I 'm an easygoing person , who gets along with just about everyone I meet . I live in a place where the waterfalls are beautiful ! I have grown up with a rare lung condition , called pulmonary hypertension . I have many limits , but they have not stopped me from being a good person and loving my family and friends ! They are very important in my life ! : )
|
We 've been here at my parents ' house for 6 days now . We have 3 more to go . It 's been good . We 've been busy . We 've seen old friends . Enjoyed Christmas . Visited family . Played and napped and stayed up late and slept in . I just have not taken the time to turn the computer on even though it 's here . Not to mention all the blogs that I 'm not reading ( or commenting on ) . They are still in my reader , and I will try to skim through them at some point . But I can 't promise too many comments . I will try to get online a few more times in the next couple of days , but for now I don 't feel like writing much . Maybe I 'll update you on all the fun things we did eventually . Also I have lots of great pictures , so I 'm sure I can share a few from our Christmas festivities . Goodbye for now , dear readers . Have a safe and Happy New Year . Have a seat . Can I get you a warm cup of coffee ? Tea ? Hot cocoa ? I just wanna chat . First let 's talk about my new mixer . I 'm in love . We 're running away together . OK , maybe that 's a bit over the top , but only a small bit . In the short few days that I 've been the proud new owner of a KitchenAid Professional 600 Series Stand Mixer I had managed to use it 4 times ! And I 'm already thinking about all the other homemade treats I can make with it . I think about how wonderful it will be to whip up a made from scratch cake mix with icing . Mmm . ( Actually I 'm probably doing that tonight , because they want me to make dessert for our Christmas party luncheon tomorrow . ) I think about making cookies for all my loved ones for Christmas ( even though I 've already made more cookies than I can count ) . I think this mixer will get plenty of use . It may seem silly , since I had already told you Matt and I had talked about it , but I was totally surprised that Matt got me this mixer . We 'd talked about it briefly , where I professed my love for this machine . I also pointed out all the wonderful things I could do with it . Plus who can pass up a deal like this ( less than half price ) . But Matt kept looking at all the other things he could buy . He was considering getting me some jewelry ( so I thought ) . And he talked about other things he could get for himself . Usually Matt can 't keep a secret this well , so when he does it knocks my socks off . He put the mixer in the kitchen , so I would see it when I got home from tutoring . I couldn 't figure out why things were moved around in the kitchen . . . until I turned on the light . I was thrilled and shocked ! I did a little happy dance right there in the kitchen . Really , I did . I 'm sure it was embarrassing . I really could have used the mixer last week and earlier this week when I was having a horrible time making cookie dough . Matt knew it was on its way , but he refrained from telling me . He told the guys at work that I would be mad I had to make all that cookie batter with my hand mixer . Ha ha . I really wasnPosted by Guess what was sitting in my kitchen when I got home last night . I had no idea . Do you ? Santa must have come to our house early . What do you think ? Is it a keeper ? It is a really hard choice between using this new KitchenAid heavy - duty 6 qt . mixer and my puny little old hand mixer . So , out with the old , in with the new . * * No actual hand mixers were harmed during this photo session . I guess I 'll keep it just in case it would be handy for something . Here is a recipe that I 've made lots of . This is the easiest thing , because I turned them into Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies . Instead of needing to decorate these cookies , like I do all the rest , I just put chocolate kisses on top . The hardest part is unwrapping all the kisses . I 've seen packaged , unwrapped kisses for baking , but I was not able to find them when I bought stuff for the cookies . I 'll give you my altered recipe ( the real one doesn 't use kisses , but has crushed peanuts and melted chocolate on top instead ) . Easy Peanut Butter Presses1 cup sugar1 egg1 cup creamy peanut butterChocolate kisses ( 1 for each cookie ; about 36 ) 1 . Preheat oven to 350 . Combine sugar and egg in bowl . Add peanut butter ; mix until blended . 2 . Fit cookie press with desired disk and fill with dough . Press dough onto baking pan , 1 inch apart . 3 . Bake 12 - 14 minutes or until cookies are set and light brown . Remove from oven ; cool 2 minutes on baking pan . Place unwrapped chocolate kiss on top . Remove to cooling rack ; cool completely . MD 's hint : I put them on a plate and let them sit in the freezer for a few minutes for the chocolate to set . Otherwise it gets all melty on the cookie . * * * * * * * * * * This was my first attempt at this kind of fudge . It turned out well . It is very smooth and creamy , but it will melt in your hands quickly . It 's best to keep it refrigerated until you need to use it . Tiger Stripes1 package ( 12 ounces ) semisweet chocolate chips3 tablespoons chunky peanut butter , divided2 white chocolate baking bars ( 2 ounces each ) 1 . Line 8x8 - inch square pan with foil . Grease lightly . 2 . Melt semisweet chocolate with 2 tablespoons peanut butter in small saucepan over low heat ; stir well . 3 . Pour half of chocolate mixture into prepared pan . Let stand 10 to 15 minutes to cool slightly . 4 . Melt white baking bar with remaining 1 tablespoon peanut butter in small saucepan over low heat . Spoon half of white chocolate mixture over dark chocolate mixture . Drop remaining dark and white chocolate mixtures by spoonfuls over mixture in pan . 5 . Using small metPosted by I feel like I 've baked enough cookies ( along with candy , fudge , etc . ) to feed a small army . I have baked / cooked almost all day long today . And it 's not over yet , folks . Matt and I decided that we would sell some baked goods as a fundraiser towards his trip to Mali , West Africa . ( I 'm sure I 've mentioned it before , but I can 't find a post to link to , hmm . ) Anyway , we got some orders for cookies from people Matt works with . In addition to that I 've made fudge , candy , and other things to sell too . I hope that this works out well for him . I know I 've put a lot of time and energy into it . It 's worth it to be a part of his trip . And I promise when I have a chance ( and the motivation ) sometime I 'll post recipes that I used for things . Yummy , yummy goodies . Zac went pee - pee on the potty ! Zac went pee - pee on the potty ! I 'm doing a happy dance ! He 's pooped once and only once . . . it was about a month ago . Today , he sat on the toilet before bath time ( which he usually asks to do ) and he PEED ! I was so excited . He missed the toilet , but that 's only a minor detail . When he sat , he was facing the side a bit and he wasn 't protected by the little shield . But he purposefully peed just a little bit . YEAH ! We came out and told Daddy and had a little treat . Zachariah was pretty proud of himself . I have been thinking we 'll start more potty training after the first of the year . I wanted to wait until we 're settled and done with all our Christmas travelling . But now I 'm thinking maybe we need to start this week . And I can take the mini - potty with us . For now I 'll just enjoy the fact that he went in the potty ! WOO HOO ! It is just there here today . It 's a big snowy mess . I 'd say we have 4 - 6 inches of snow . . . plus it 's blowing and drifting now . I have a feeling the schools will be closed part ( if not all ) of this week . I hear that it 's going to stay cold and windy , so that makes it rough for them to keep the roads clean . For today I 'm happy just to stay home cozy and warm . Although I did miss not having church today . And our small group Christmas party was cancelled . And when they want to reschedule is when we 'll be away . Bummer . Other than that it 's OK that we 're snowed in with no where else to be . Yesterday while the snow was still coming down we took Zachariah out to play in it . It was his first time really playing in the snow . A few weeks ago when there was snow , I never got him out in it to just play . He was sick , then it got too cold . But I think it was more fun yesterday , because Matt was home and went out to play with us . He loved us pulling him in the sled . He wore us out dragging him across the yard , but it was worth it to see the smile on his face . Last year he was too little to play much in the snow , plus we didn 't get much snow last winter . We took him out once in the baby sled , but Matt hit a snowdrift with it and Zachariah went face - first right into the snow . That was the end of that . Luckily he doesn 't remember that trauma . ; ) I 'll see if I can post a video of the fun later . It was great . Friday it wasn 't snowing and Matt took a day off . We went to Columbus and had a fun day there . We had lunch at BD 's Mongolian Barbecue , then shopped Tuttle Crossing Mall . Zachariah got to ride the holiday train there . Then he played at the little kids " playground " . That was a new experience for us . I 'll write about it sometime . After the mall we went to the Columbus Zoo to see the WildLights . That was really nice . Zachariah loved it . He was excited to see the " lights , lights , lights " and of course some animals too . Then we finished that trip with a visit to Santa and the model train exhibit . I think those were the highlights of the Mommy Daisy The snow , the pretty beautiful snow , has all melted . It has been cold and rainy here ALL week ! This is way worse than lots of snow . I 'd much rather have snow . Rain , in and of itself , is bad , but when it 's only 34 degrees and raining . . . ugh . I have officially started my holiday baking . I have about 10 - 12 dozen cutout sugar cookies in the freezer now . All I need to do is decorate them before next Friday . I also made about 5 - 6 doze peanut butter kiss cookies . And today I plan to make pressed butter cookies . That will probably turn out at least 12 dozen of those . And I still have plans to make several different kinds of fudge and other candies . Whew ! I predict a break - down about mid - week next week . Be prepared for complaints . Luckily we have all our Christmas gifts bought and wrapped . Well , I still need to pick up a little something for our 3 brothers - in - law . That will be easy to get finished . There 's still the little matter of what to use Matt 's gift card on now . I have told him that I 'd love to have the stand mixer , but he 's still looking at other things . It 's not so much that or wait for the Wii now . He 's thought about buying me jewelry for Christmas ( mostly because he likes spoiling me ) , but I have told him I 'd much rather have the mixer . We 'll see if I can talk him into it . I was sure wishing I had it already when I started my holiday baking . Tomorrow Matt took a personal day , because he still had an extra one to use up before the end of the year . We decided to go for lunch and shopping in Columbus . It 's been 2 years since I 've done that , and I miss it . We used to go several times a year and have a fun time . It will be nice to shop in stores we don 't have around here . I can 't believe I 'm asking you this , but I need another opinion . Matt and I like to think purchases to death before we buy , especially something big like this . Matt got a gift certificate recently for a work - related thing . He was supposed to be getting a Wii instead of the gift certificate , but they ran out . So , he was thinking about using the gift certificate to buy one . The amount is enough for what the Wii retails for , but we cannot find one for that price . They 're going for double if / when you can find one . We could still wait and try to get one for a lower price in a few months . OR we could get a Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer for me . Matt just found a great deal on the one I want . It retails for $ 499 . 99 , but we can get it for about $ 210 . I would only have the choice of " Meringue " or " Licorice " , but I think I could live with that . In fact , if I had 30 colors to chose from I 'd probably go with a black or white , because I couldn 't chose one over all the other colors . I have wanted a stand mixer for years . It would get a TON of use in my house , because I LOVE to bake . I 'm not real sure that I have counter space or cupboard space for it , but I would find somewhere to put it in the kitchen . And the clincher is Matt is willing to buy it for me instead of getting the Wii . The problem is I feel really guilty thinking that he 'd use his gift certificate on something mainly for me . But he already has several gaming systems and a new one would mean spending more money to buy games for it . Plus it would be more time he 'd spend in front of the TV or not spending with me . Here 's where I want your opinion . What do you say ? # 1 It 's his gift certificate , let him wait on the Wii he wanted in the first place . # 2 Buy the Mixer , you deserve it . # 3 Other advice . * I 've been trying to upload this adorable video of Zachariah . He was playing with his Little People toys and " telling " me about the animals . It was cute , and I thought you might enjoy hearing him finally talking . Guess it wasn 't meant to be . . . for now at least . I 'll keep trying . * Friday night was rough . Zachariah is normally a great sleeper at night . He has always been this way , and we know we 're pretty lucky for that . Friday evening we were out late , so it was about 9 : 30PM before Zachariah got to bed . Plus he had woken up with a cold that morning , so I know he wasn 't feeling great . I heard him fussing at about 2 : 30AM . I went in his room to see what the problem was . He seemed pretty wide awake . I noticed right away that he felt warm , so I got him up to take his temperature . He had a low - grade fever , and I gave him some infant motrin then tried putting him back to bed . I went back to bed and could not sleep . I tossed and turned and couldn 't relax . About half an hour later Zachariah was crying again . I went and rocked him for a bit and tried putting him back to bed . This continued off and on for the next hour . Then Matt finally woke up and asked what the problem was . I told him Zachariah just won 't sleep at this point . So he got up with him for a while . Umm , I think he tried for about 20 minutes to get Zachariah to sleep . Then he brought him into our bed ! Ha ! This child hasn 't co - slept with us since he was a little baby . Once he started sleeping through the night , he slept in his crib in another room . He laid with us in our bed , wide awake , for about 1 / 2 hour . He finally started getting squirmy and was not going to lay there any more . ( Matt is asleep again by now . Me , I 've been laying there awake the whole time . Ugh . ) So at 5 : 00AM I got up with Zac , came to the living room , laid on the couch , and let him play with toys . He wanted to eat breakfast , but I refused to let him . I told him it was too early for breakfast . He played quietly for a while . ( Quietly , because I hid any toys he drug out that made noises . ) He startPosted by StockingsDo you do stockings ? We didn 't really do them when I was young . ( Mom tells me we did for a short while , but I don 't remember . ) But I always thought it was neat that my cousins did it . They got " extra " little gifts in addition to the other things Santa sent them . Now , in my parents ' new house with fireplaces , they have stockings for all of us . And my mom fills them with candy , chap stick , and other small things for us . It 's a fun thing to do . Matt 's family did not have a fireplace growing up either . But they did do stockings every year . In fact those we the only gifts that were hidden . ( His mom didn 't wrap gifts . They each had a pile of presents on the living room floor when they got up Christmas morning . We enjoyed the fun of sorting through all the presents under the tree and handing them to the person who 's name was on them . We still do that . My sisters and I end up passing out all the gifts at Christmas . It 's fun . I digress . ) Matt 's family always had these awesome customized stockings . An old family friend had knitted these stockings when the kids were young . They met this lady on a group tour trip to Israel . Matt 's mom was pregnant for him at the time , but they didn 't know that yet . They 've kept in touch with her over the years . At some point she knitted stockings for them ( I guess she has made them for other families she knows too ) . I always loved seeing these green and while stockings with Santa on them . They hung them on the wall in order with dad , mom , then the three kids . When Matt and I were about to spend our first Christmas as a married couple , Matt 's mom took down his stocking and gave it to him to hang at our house . The problem was that I didn 't have a stocking to match his . . . or even one at all . We hung onto Matt 's stocking for several years . Then out of the blue one year , Matt 's mom gave us a surprise . This sweet , old lady had made a stocking for me too . I was beyond thrilled and couldn 't wait until Christmas to put both of our stockings up . Last year I put both of our matching stockings up , thPosted by What child actually likes to clean their room ? Uhh . . . well . . . mine I guess . I caught him picking up his blankies and putting them on his dresser ( where they belong when he 's not sleeping ) . Usually when he wakes up in the morning he throws his little lovey blanket . Then we pick it up and put it in a dresser drawer . Most times as soon as I put him down he picks them up for me . This morning we were too distracted looking at all the snow outside to take care of them . So he went in later and put them away . He comes by this honestly . I hated having a messy room growing up . Most times I had the cleanest room in the house . I 'm not a crazy cleaning nut now but I do like things neat and tidy . * * Sorry for the lack of commas . My " comma " key is broken on the computer . It 's driving me NUTS ! * Zachariah tried to trade his cereal in for a cookie this morning . Nice try , son , nice try . * He has started trying to sing . This morning he sat in his glider rocker in his bedroom and was trying to sing a song . I realized that he was singing " Rock - a - bye Baby " , which I like to sing to him when we 're cuddling in that chair . * I 'm thinking that Zachariah has outgrown his highchair . See photographic evidence below . He has his feet resting on the footrest , which means his knees are pressed against the tray above . This kid is tall , really tall . ( I ran into an old friend the other day , she said she doesn 't think her son was that tall until he was 5 ! Ha . ) I don 't know what to do with him next . He 's not quite ( pretty darn close though ) tall enough to reach the table just sitting in a regular chair . I don 't know if the chairs we have will hold a booster - type seat . I feel like he may still need a buckle , so he doesn 't constantly get up and down while eating . Any advice ? When did your kids stop using their highchair ? Where did you put them next ? Any fantastic products out there that I don 't know about yet ? Help me . Posted by Oh , it 's been a long day . But I feel like typing up a little blog post before I go to bed . Maybe I 'm stuck on posting every day from NaBloPoMo or something . I don 't know . This morning I went carolling with the church choir . We get dressed up and go to all sorts of downtown Christmas festivities . There are lots of things going on such as visiting Santa and Mrs . Clause , cookie decorating , craft fairs , ornament making , free coat give - aways , and a parade to wrap the whole day up . We went from place to place singing and wishing people a Merry Christmas . It was fun , but it was VERY , very cold . Brrrr . Matt came out later in the morning with Zachariah . They followed us around a little , then watched the parade . We sang from a horse - drawn wagon in the parade . Here is something I love about this parade . In most holiday parades Santa comes last . He 's the grand finale . Not in our parade . He leads the parade here , and Santa and his missus are pulled in a sleigh by a 4 - wheeler driven by Brutus himself . It 's really neat . Then at the end there are Joseph and Mary walking donkeys . I love it . The true reason for Christmas right there for all to see . We rested this afternoon and went to run a few errands later . Then tonight Matt and I watched college football games . If you haven 't noticed already , we are big Ohio State fans . Our Buckeyes are ranked # 3 currently and their season ended 2 weeks ago . This meant that there was a possibility for us to move up in rankings if teams above us lost . Well , last week we went from # 5 to # 3 . Tonight there were 2 big games on that could mean a spot for us in the National Championship game . If either of the top 2 teams lose , then we will pretty much be a shoe in . Both of those games were on at the same time tonight . # 2 West Virginia lost to their big rival Pittsburgh . This was a shocking upset . We figured our only chance was for # 1 Missouri to get beat by their big rival Oklahoma . But West Virgina lost giving us a chance at the big game . And right now I 'm watching the end of the Missouri game and thePosted by Matt came home this afternoon . There has been much happiness in the house . Zachariah was so thrilled to have his daddy home . Of course I was excited to see my love again . And the dog , he needed his moment of attention too . Not only did he come home , but my dear husband came bearing gifts . He brought me Sees chocolates , peanut brittle , and peppermint lotion . And he brought Zachariah a set of 3 little trucks . He couldn 't have brought more perfect gifts . I 'm ashamed to say I 've already eaten about 3 pieces of chocolate . Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo . YEAH ! I did it ! I don 't know yet if I 'll keep up with it every single day . I will try to keep posting often , but I won 't worry about missing a day when I 'm busy of have nothing to say . Still , it 's over and I did it ! Posted by Today was a nice day . In the keeping - us - busy - to - keep - our - minds - off - Matt - being - gone theme , we went shopping with my mom and grandma . It was fun . Zachariah was really good the whole time . He didn 't want to let my mom ( who he affectionately refers to as " Maw Bahb " ) out of his sight . And every time we got in our car to go to the next shopping destination , he cried . I think he enjoyed seeing someone else . . . especially since Matt is away . And the good news is that Matt will be finished early tomorrow , so Zachariah will get to see him before he goes to bed . YEAH ! Anyway , here are a few fun photos from our day . After today there are only 2 days left of NaBloPoMo . I 'm enjoying it . I usually try to post every day , but normally I don 't fret if I miss a day . I think I will just go back to that after this month . I will try to post every day , but not a big deal if I can 't . More importantly there are only 2 days left until Matt comes back home ! Only 2 more days as a single mother . Thank God ! I have enjoyed this time alone with my son , though . We 've done a few more fun things that normal . We 've gotten out of the house more than normal , just to keep our minds occupied ( and from getting on each others nerves ) . So far it has worked pretty well . By late afternoon and on until bedtime , Zachariah asks about Daddy a lot . I keep telling him that Daddy is away working . He 's in Columbus , can you say Columbus ? He usually tries to say it , then nods his little head and seems satisfied by that answer . Today we got some of our Christmas decorations up . I need to put up one more nail now that we have 3 stockings to hang . I will do another post about that later . . . it 's a good story . For now good night . I miss my sweetie pie , but he 'll be home in 2 short days . I haven 't begun to decorate for Christmas yet , but it 's in the front of my mind . I usually start as soon after Thanksgiving as I can . Last year I remember putting the tree up in the evening after Zachariah went to bed . He was almost 9 months old then and he was starting to crawl and cruise . He did really well staying away from the tree . I also made sure to not have any ornaments on the bottom 6 inches or so of the tree . This year I 'm thinking Zachariah will like helping me decorate . We helped my mom put up some of her Christmas decorations while we were there over the weekend . He really like " hanging " the ornaments , so I will let him do that with our tree too . You could definitely tell where he put them , because he would clump them all together in the front . But it was really cute that he loved helping , so we just left them there . I did ask Matt to get my boxes out of the garage before he left . I would like to really clean the living room before I get everything out , though . I usually rearrange the furniture , but I can 't think of a good way to put things this year . I will probably just move the couch a little and see if that give me enough room . So far I have dusted EVERYTHING in this room . Tomorrow morning I plan to vacuum the floors , under furniture , and baseboards . And I should probably wash the big picture window too . Then I 'll feel ready to get everything out . I don 't go all crazy for Christmas , but it is the only holiday I decorate my house for . I put up an artificial tree , some lights and ornaments to complete it . Then I have some greenery with lights that I put on the piano . And I have several candle holders , a nativity set , and a few other little knick - knacks that I set on the tables , piano , and other places like that . That 's pretty much it . I had some Christmas towels I put in the kitchen too . But it 's fun to do something new to the house every year . I like getting things out . Two years we put white icicle lights up on the front of the house , but it 's been a while since we 've done that . Matt told me that hePosted by Matt left today . He 's going away for a week of training for work . We will miss him . Besides just missing him being here , I 'll miss him being able to help with Zachariah . I 'm not looking forward to this single parent gig . But we will make it . I 'll be able to talk to him on the phone a few times at least . Before he left he made up this great " care package " for us . It was so sweet . There were snacks for me , Zachariah , and Chip in there . I know he 'll miss us too . Posted by How many things can you do while you drive ? Talk on a cell phone ? Apply makeup ? Grab a lost toy / pacifier ? Eat ? Talk ? How about just driving ? Is that too much to ask ? This morning on my way to church I say a wonderful driver . He was driving an old beat up truck . He had the window all the way down ( it was 27 degrees outside ) . He was smoking a cigarette AND brushing his teeth . Doesn 't that defeat the purpose of brushing your teeth anyway ? Then he spits out the open window . When did our cars become our bathrooms ? One day on his way to work Matt saw a woman multi - tasking . She was " driving " , eating - A BOWL OF CEREAL WITH MILK , and applying make - up while stopped that the light . Yikes ! And we wonder why our insurance prices are so high . I think it 's because people like this cause accidents every day . OK , I think I 'm done complaining now . So , what 's the craziest thing you or another driver you saw ever did while driving ? We headed up to my parents ' house Wednesday evening . We just got home late this afternoon . I am EXHAUSTED ! But we had a great time . We enjoyed Thanksgiving Day , complete with two big meals . We loved seeing all our family that we see only twice a year or so . And it was great staying with my parents . We all get along great , and Zachariah loved spending so much time with " pa pa " and " maw bahb " ( Grandpa & Grandma Barb ) . Plus , I was thrilled that my sister and her husband ended up staying the whole weekend with us too . They live nearby ( about 1 / 2 hour drive ) , but they were enjoying our company . Rachel even had to work Friday and Saturday morning , but she just went to work while we did other things and we saw her in the afternoon / evening . Grandpa & Grandma gave Zachariah this cheap little piggie bank Wednesday night to play with . It 's something one of them got at work for a promotional thing . He thought it was pretty neat . We only had to show him once how to put money in it . Then he was off . Friday night after dinner Zachariah decided to feed his piggie . He went around asking everyone for " more " money . When he realized that they were reaching into their pockets to find this money . So he tried cutting out the middle man and getting into everyone 's pockets himself . It was so funny . Then he 'd go ask someone else for money . He did quite well getting his piggie fund started . ( I 'm not sure what he 's saving for yet . . . maybe a rainy day . ) I don 't have time for a long message tonight . Zachariah is sleeping in the den with the computer , so I 'm typing this short message before he lays down . Hope you all had fun on Black Friday . We got a few good deals , spent time with family , and we 're watching movies tonight . Enjoy ! What was your Friday like ? Shopping ? Decorating ? Eating left - overs ? The turkey was carved , the ham was sliced , the stuffing was moist , the potatoes were mashed , the bread was broken , and the pie was sweet . We did this twice today ! I feel like a stuffed turkey now . But it was great to see our families . Now we 'll do a tiny bit of shopping tomorrow then meet my father - in - law for a post - Thanksgiving breakfast ( tradition ) . Today on the way to my grandmother 's house I noticed the cars on the road . They all seemed to be a little more lazy and relaxed about getting to their destination . While at a stop light , I looked at all the cars around us . Each one was full of families . It just seemed so ideal and peaceful . Families spend this day together , and I 'm so glad we enjoyed ours with our families . HAPPY THANKSGIVING ! Last weekend while we were at my parents ' church ( the church I grew up in ) , I heard a great sermon about being thankful from the pastor . He didn 't talk about the traditional Thanksgiving stuff . He spoke about how thankfulness is about relationships and not things . It went into a discussion about what are things without people in our lives . It was very neat . Of course I am thankful for the usual things , my family , my husband , my son , etc . But I am really thankful that I have two loving parents who didn 't always give me everything I wanted . . . but they 've always loved me MORE than I needed . I 'm thankful for two caring sisters in my life . I 'm thankful that God provided for me a perfect ( for me ) husband that can put up with all my silly ways ( like waiting for me to finish dishes before we left the house today , when he just wanted to get going already ) . I 'm very thankful for my son . I prayed for him for over a year before he was even conceived . I prayed that God would bless me with a child who would grow up to serve Him . I knew God had a plan for my family . I knew that if I wasn 't meant to had children He could take that burning desire in my heart for one away . I prayed daily , and every day it got harder . I finally came to a peace about it . I knew God 's plan was better than mine . And before I ever expected , I found out I was pregnant . Now I see this beautiful little boy every day . And I 'm thankful , very thankful to be a mother . I 'm very thankful Matt is his father . And I 'm thankful to God for my wonderful family . OK , so I thought about some other baby name things that I 'd like to discuss . I 'm going to continue this topic . Do you think the first child 's name sets the precedent for future baby naming ? I worry that since I picked such a strong boys ' name , a Biblical boys ' name , that I 'll be expected to stick with that . It 's possible that I 'd chose another boy 's name from the Bible . But I 'm more unlikely to chose a Biblical girl 's name . I lean more toward trendy - sounding names for girls especially . I don 't know why . So , did the name Zachariah restrict me for all future names ? Also , I wanted to tell you the girl names Matt and I like in case we ever have twin girls . Since there are twins in both sides of our families it is always a possibility , but mostly we just joke about it . It would be Laila and Anya . What do you think ? Do those work together ? That 's all I had to add for now . Just wanted to get those things out there before I forgot about them . Sorry that I didn 't finish this post last night . I was exhausted . I 'm not sure why . Matt and I both went to bed by 9 : 30PM . And I slept soundly all night long . I feel really rested today , though , so I 'm glad . I don 't usually go to bed early , and it felt good . So , here are some of the boys names we threw around before our son was born ( some of these may or may not be considered for future boys ) . One of the first names we both fell in love with was Jamin . But after discussing it briefly with our parents , we were concerned that people might mispronounce it . So we decided it would be spelled Jaymin if we used it . Matt was set on this name for a long time , and it gradually grew on me . In the end I loved it , but I wanted to use the original spelling - Jamin . I liked that it was easy to say / pronounce , but it wasn 't very common . It had slight appeal because it was in the Bible ( hidden in there though ) . Matt fell in love with the name Ryan somewhere along the line . I was OK with it , but it was never really a serious contender for me . I felt like it was too common . We decided somewhere in here that we would for sure use Matthew for the middle name . And it seemed to fit all our possibilities . Jaymin Matthew , Ryan Matthew , etc . Some other names I like ( d ) but we didn 't really consider . . . mostly because Matt didn 't like them . * Josiah ( I 've always loved that , but for some reason Matt doesn 't like it at all . I tried over and over to convince him . ) * Hayden ( He didn 't like . Now I would not consider it again . Too many girls with the name . I have a thing about boy names being used for girls or vice versa . I want people to look at my son 's name and KNOW it 's a boy or look at a girl 's name and know it 's a girl . ) * Graham ( I loved this , but Matt didn 't like it because of graham crackers . : ( Then a boy was born at our church with this name . It suits him well , but I didn 't want to use it them because they would be close in age and have two of that name . ) * Levi ( I don 't remember why we didn 't consider this more . I won 't use it now , because my cousinPosted by I love thinking / dreaming about baby names . That 's just one more reason I love Swistle . Here she is having another baby name discussion . And I am glued to the comments . I love this . Just this weekend my cousin was asking me how I chose my son 's name and what some other possibilities were . I thought maybe you 'd be interested in hearing it . And I think I 'm going to tell you some of the other names on my list . ( I can 't believe I 'm doing that , because I 'm usually pretty secretive about revealing baby names . ) I may or may not use any of those names for future babies . Mostly I think I 'll want a whole new list of names for next time . In fact I 've already started a girls list , because I didn 't get very far with girls ' names last time . I was very funny about sharing baby names . I think I will be for all future children too . I did NOT want to decide on the baby 's name until I saw him , but I wanted to have a few names that we both loved on hand . I also was really hesitant to tell people about the names that I really loved . I didn 't want people to judge the names and then " ruin " them for me . Matt didn 't care about all that . I think he talked to more people about our possible names than I thought . But that was even more reason for me not to name the baby early . I asked Matt for names he liked and told him names I liked . Then we compiled a list , but I had the final say . For me when I looked for baby names I wanted something people ( maybe ) knew , but something less common . I wasn 't sure I wanted a name in the top 50 / 100 for the past few years , but I wasn 't dead set against that . I seemed more likely to want a unique name for a girl ( but nothing too crazy ) and a classic name for a boy . Although that wasn 't exactly the way I went . OK , I had no ideas about boy names . At first we threw around Mark , David , John , Matthew , and sometimes Charles as first and / or middle names . These are all family names . My dad is Mark David ( and I 'd love to used some kind of his name for a future baby ) , Matt 's dad is Charles Edward ( Matt 's name is Matthew ChPosted by I 'm happy about my life right now . I 'm just content today , I guess . Right now everyone , except me , is napping . Then we 're leaving for a quick birthday dinner with our small group ( assuming Zachariah is up in time ) . After that we have a community Thanksgiving service at church . Matt and I have to be there early for him to run projection and me for choir practice . After church this morning we went out for pizza with a young couple with a baby . It was fun getting to know them a little better . Usually we just say hi in passing . Their little girl is 11 months younger than Zachariah . It 's fun for me to watch her , because she 's doing things that Zachariah was doing last year at this time . We 're hoping we can hang out with them again . I think we can all learn a lot from each other and maybe there are some friendships forming . This is a REALLY short week for us . Matt only works ( and I tutor ) Monday and Tuesday . Then we 'll head up to my parents ' house on Wednesday sometime . I 'm hoping to clean and put a few things away that day as well , so I can get Christmas decorations out when we get home . I 'm not sure when we 'll be back home yet . We are planning to go out to eat with my parents and maybe Matt 's parents on Wednesday evening . Sometimes we go out for breakfast with Matt 's dad and maybe sister the day after Thanksgiving . Other than that and Thanksgiving Day , we don 't have definite plans . Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday . I think I 'll write a separate post about why later this week . For now I 'll just keep relaxing and finish up laundry . How about you ? How are you spending your Sunday ? That title sums up my day . Oh and some cousin loving . ( I visited with my cousin who was in town for a short while this morning . It was nice to see her again . ) We went to my parents ' house today for our annual Ohio State vs . Michigan game . This is practically a state holiday . And it 's a family tradition to gather for the game , cheer on our Buckeyes , and stuff ourselves with wonderful food . And in case you care , Ohio State won ! Thank you , Beanie ! Look at the picture below of all that yummy food . I took close up photos , and I plan to post a few recipes for your enjoyment . We ate very well . I hope that you had a fun Saturday like us . Enjoy ! People , I figured it out . I know the magic answer to getting your child ( well , maybe my child ) to take a REALLY good nap . Zachariah has been sleeping now for 3 1 / 2 hours ! Yes , I said that right . ( And just as I typed it I hear him awake in his room . AHH ! ) Regardless , he did sleep 3 1 / 2 hours this afternoon . Here 's what I did . Got him up at normal time this morning and went about our typical routine . About 11 : 00 when we usually eat lunch , I got him ready and we headed out for lunch . I took him to a local pizza joint . We had their buffet . ( I suppose this part will only work if your child is a good eater . ) I filled him up with veggies , fruits , cheesy bread , potato wedges , pizza , and dessert bread / pizza . Have I mentioned before that this kid can eat ? ( I wonder how he 's still so skinny . It does explain the height though . He has to expand somewhere . ) Anyway , he ate a lot . We 'd been there for an hour by the time he finished eating . At home lunch would take 1 / 2 hour , then he 'd go down for a nap right after that . So at this point we were running about an hour past his nap time ( he 's very flexible about naps ) . He was happy and well - fed , so I wanted to walk around the craft store for a bit . He was up for it . We were in there for a while , and I noticed he was getting really sleepy . When I asked him if he was ready for a nap , he would nod and then lean his head on his shoulder and pretend to sleep . In the car I kept making him talk to me ( counting in Spanish ) to stay awake . We were only a 10 minutes drive from home . He stayed awake . Then he was ready for a nap . And he took a LONG one . See , I think that 's the key to success . I don 't think I can do this every day , though . It 's worth remembering in case I need it . Zachariah has started doing this funny thing lately . On Sunday he visited with my sister - in - law and mother - in - law . He had a great time , and they really enjoyed having him around . Well , my sil told me that they got Zachariah to repeat Spanish numbers 1 - 10 , but when they tried to get him to say them in English he wouldn 't do it . I thought that was funny and told them he will only repeat a few numbers . He 'll say " one " ( and hold up 1 finger ) , then he 'll refuse to say any other numbers . However , when I say " uno " he says " uno , dos " , then he 'll repeat most of the other numbers after me . Sometimes he 'll say no to certain ones , but he tried most of them . It 's really funny . We have been doing this with him all week . Still he likes to say numbers in Spanish and not in English . And I think the English words would be easier for him to say , because he doesn 't use " s " in words much . I am trying to get it on video , so you all can see how funny this kid of mine is . For now , you 'll just have to picture it in your head and take my word for it . He is hilarious . * * * He " tried " to use the potty again today , but we got nothing . Ahh well . Zachariah has been gaining so much Independence lately that it never ceases to amaze me . He loves to say " helpa " when I ask him if he 's a good helper . And he really is . He 's starting to put toys away after playing . He will go get his shoes when it 's time to leave . He 'll get things off the shelves for lunch or dinner and bring them to me . He likes to put the empty laundry basket in the kitchen when I finish laundry . Here 's a cute story . This morning while Zachariah was playing I mentioned that we needed to go to the store today . " Go , " he said , which means he wants to leave right now . Then he went and got his shoes . I told him he needed socks before we could put his shoes on . I said I 'll go get your socks if you 'll pick up these toys you just got out . Then I left to get the socks . When I came back every last toy was put where it belonged , and he was trying to put the lid on the toy container . I helped him close it , then he picked it up to put it on the shelf . There was no room for it , then he remembered that he 'd brought it out of his room . So he waited by the door until I opened it , then he put the toy on the shelf and off he went . What ? When did he learn to do all of that when asked once ? I definitely praised him for all that . I tell him " You 're a good helper . " " Helpa ! " he says with pride in his voice and a smile on his face . My little boy is growing up , and I love him so much . I don 't know if it 's time or not , but we 've thought about potty training for quite a while now . My pediatrician has told me twice that I 'm probably nuts for thinking about it , so I stopped bringing it up starting at his last appointment ( 18 month ) . My second ( or whatever distance we are ) cousin has their little boy , who is 3 weeks younger than Zachariah , already fully potty trained . I don 't worry about that so much , because she was sitting him on a potty as an infant . Zachariah has been telling us about his poops since before he was a year old . But I could never get him to sit on the potty for very long . He 's been really interested in the potty and everything else for months . He just wasn 't ready to take that step , so I didn 't push it . I occasionally asked him if he wanted to go potty , mostly before bath time . He always refused . Then there was the time that he was about to poop in the bathtub . He 'd been constipated for 2 days , and apparently he liked the warm water . He told me he was going potty , and I could tell because he was trying really hard . I picked him up and told him to go in the potty . He screamed and cried and jumped up off the potty . He wouldn 't go , so I put him back in the tub . As soon as I did he pooped in there . That 's been months ago . Since then he 's sat on the potty , briefly , a few times . But he 's never done anything . . . until 2 weeks ago . He was doing the same thing in the tub , so I said let 's do that in the potty . When I picked him up he didn 't protest , and he sat on the potty and finished going . YEAH ! We celebrated . He wasn 't quite sure what to think of it , but he wasn 't scared and he enjoyed the praises . After that I 've been asking him at each diaper change , before bed , before naps , etc . , if he 'd like to use the potty . He 's never wanted to . Once in a while when he comes in the bathroom with me , he 'll go sit on his potty chair with his clothes on . He 's been doing this a lot lately . Then this morning he told me he wanted to go potty . I was so excited , I couldn 't believe it . We got his pants and diapPosted by I 'm sad that I don 't have left - overs from this yummy snack . I took it as an appetizer for our Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday . There was only a tiny bit left , and I didn 't feel like hauling it home . Plus my grandma asked if she could have a little of it . That 's unusual , she 's usually trying to pawn off her left - overs on us . I will definitely make this dip again though . It is a recipe from my pal , Bethany . Bethany 's Best Ever Dip1 can Hormel chili - no beans1 jar chunky salsa1 large package Velveeta cheese1 container sour creamMix all together and heat . It works great in a crock pot . Serve with tortilla chips . Yum . It makes a lot , so you 'll have plenty to snack on . Home . Tired . No naps . 2 days . Photos . Didn 't load yesterday . Tomorrow = Monday . Catch up . Laundry . Yikes ! Bye . It was for my family today . We had an early Thanksgiving dinner with my mom 's family . It was nice to see everyone . I got to talk to my mom 's cousin 's wife ( they are my age ) who is having baby # 2 next week . She is a sweetie , and their first son was born 3 weeks after Zachariah . The boys are still a bit young to play together . They are both only children ( until next week , then Sam no longer will be the only child ) and they 're used to being home with mom . But they got along ok . . . except when I left ( to see Mary 's new place nearby ) . I guess Sam grabbed Zachariah by his hair . They said he had a handful on both sides , and Zac just stood there looking at him strangely until someone took Sam away . Ha ! My kid is so laid back . The rest of the afternoon every time Sam came too close , Zachariah would hold out his hand ( as if saying come no farther ) . We stuffed ourselves with yummy turkey , all the trimings , and lots of desserts . My grandmother kept feeding Zachariah everything ! The poor kid was almost overflowing . Plus we kept him up through nap time ( there was nowhere for him to sleep there ) . And honestly he did pretty well . By the time we got back to my parents ' house it was silly for him to take a nap . But he usually stays up later here , and he was in bed before 7 : 00 . He also never ate supper . He threw up once , and then ate a few grapes . He wasn 't hungry , and I wasn 't thrilled about giving him more food . My grandma just kept him fed the whole time we were there . Cookies , fudge , pie , pie , and more pie . Besides he 'd already eaten a good meal . Anyway , we had a fun time . I hope you had a good Saturday . Sara over at Suburban Oblivion gave us NaBloPoMo - ers some ideas to post about for her enjoyment . I think I 'll take her up on that , because today I find myself at a loss of words . This is all about how I met my best friend . This is a big hard for me to answer , because I can 't really pinpoint a " best " friend . So , I will tell you about my favorite friends . First and foremost , Matt is my best friend . We were friends first , then we started dating . But maybe I 'll save that story for another time . This seems to be a popular blog topic with fellow bloggers . Matt is my lover , friend , and confidant . But there are some things that we just don 't talk about . He 's not a woman , so I think that 's the clincher with certain topics . I am very close to my mom ( and dad really ) . I 've know her all my life ( duh ) , and we 've always gotten along nicely . I was an easy teen . And I remember coming home and telling her all about my day every day after school from Elementary school through part of college ( until I got married ) . If my parents asked me how my day had been , they really cared . And I always told them . I love that I had this relationship with my parents growing up . And I respect them even more now . I love seeing my mom with her one and only grandchild , my son . She 's an awesome grandma , and Zachariah adores her . I have a new respect for my parents now that I have my own child . Plus I think I see that they did what was best for us , but that doesn 't mean that 's what 's best for my life or child . Then another of my best friends is my sister , Rachel . Rachel is 4 years younger than me . And it 's great that we get along so well . We 've always gotten along well , but our friendship really grew after I got married . Then once she was out of high school it got stronger , and stronger yet when I had a baby and she got married . I don 't have to watch what I say to Rachel . She understands and she won 't hold things against me . I also never had to fear judgement from her . And if she has a problem , she can just tell me . I love that our friendship has gotten stPosted by Dear Plumber , I don 't know who you think you are . We are not pleased with the service we received from you . First you tell us that you can some by at 11 : 00 Tuesday morning . No problem , we can wait until then . My husband kindly takes off from work at 10 : 45 , so he 'll be home to deal with you . By 1 : 00 we figured you weren 't coming . It was nice of you to call , but 2 1 / 2 hours after our original appointment is a little late to say " oops , I think I missed your appointment " . And we 're glad that you agreed you 'd still come by since we 'd be home . Next time please tell us in advance that you 're going to be late , so my husband doesn 't waste his time off from work . And when you call again 4 hours after the appointment and say you 'll be here in a little while , well maybe I can handle that . But when you come , don 't even look at the problem , then say you 'll call in the morning before you come by , I get a little angry . Especially since this will be costing us an arm and a leg anyway . I see that you figured out what makes me really mad . Sure , go ahead and don 't call us Wednesday morning . It 's no inconvenience for me to stay home and wait for you . ( I 'll save my errands for another time . ) But when the whole day goes by without you calling or stopping by , now I 'm mad . Don 't worry , though , I honestly think you did us a favor . Since my sweet husband has already done quite a bit of plumbing work on this old house , he decided it wouldn 't hurt to see what he could do . If all else fails , we 'll call another plumbing company . And no fear , we won 't bother you again . In the end we were able to fix the problem , and it saved us $ 325 . So really I owe you a big Thank You . A happy home owner , Mommy DaisyP . S . At this point don 't bother calling or I might feel like telling you off . Thanks . This may just be the simplest recipe ever . World 's Best Caramel Dip1 stick butter1 small can sweetened condensed milk1 cup brown sugarPut everything in a pan . It will melt together and warm . Once it seems hot and well mixed ( and the butter is all melted ) turn it off and let it sit a while . Serve warm with crisp apple slices . It also reheats nicely in the microwave . This also stays warm well in a crock pot for get - togethers . I will serve it that way with whole apples , a cutting board , and an apple wedger setting beside it . It 's always a hit . Make it , enjoy ! Today I voted . I always vote , even when there isn 't much on the ballot . . . like today . For my personally it is so important to vote no matter how little the issues . I have never missed a vote since I turned 18 and could vote . Also , related to yesterday 's post . . . I am making progress on things here . That helps me feel more sane . Shauna mentioned making a list and going with that . Actually , I tend to be a list - maker , but it was starting to stress me out seeing all those things . It was easier for me to get overwhelmed with everything and then do nothing . So , my plan of attack now is just to pick one project that I see each day that needs done . Yesterday I cleaned the bathroom and painted the closet doors . Today I finished painting , organized / cleaned the laundry closet , and then I cleaned out my dresser in the bedroom . Tomorrow I may possibly reorganize the hall closet . But we 'll see . Hmm , there was one other thing that I wanted to blog about today . Oh yes , I remember . I think I 'll save it for tomorrow . I am going to share my mom 's awesome carmel dip recipe for apples . Yes , my mom rocks ! She is a great cook , and I love her . So , come back tomorrow . Also , I have pictures . Mmm ! Sometimes I feel really organized , and other times I feel like the most scatter - brained person alive . I 've found that the scatter - brained thing has gotten worse since having a child . If something comes to mind , I have to write it down immediately or I will not remember it until it 's too late . This also affects things in my every day life . My house is in general order , but I feel like behind the scenes it 's falling apart . And I 'm so overwhelmed by the things I should do that I do nothing instead . Then I get angry with myself and beat myself up for doing nothing . I keep up with the daily tasks , but beyond that is where I feel myself falling apart . With the holidays approaching , I want to get some things in order before gearing up completely for Christmas . Today I detail cleaned my whole bathroom . I also put up a new shower curtain that I 've been holding onto for over a year . ( That 's another story for another time . ) But I felt like there is no reason to be saving it , so why not enjoy it now . It felt so good . I have also finished painting the closet doors , so that 's one more thing that will make sure a difference for me . My goal for this month is to find one extra thing ( like deep cleaning the bathroom , or sorting through a closet , or other details like that ) each day . I think this will give me more peace of mind . And in the end I will feel better about my house and be able to relax and really enjoy the holidays . My son is testing my patience today . Let 's hope that tomorrow ( and the the of the week ) is much better . Good points : * He went back to sleep for about 1 / 2 hour this morning , so the daylight savings time didn 't bother our schedule too much . * I got a 2 + hour nap this afternoon while Matt played with Zachariah . * I went to the grocery store by myself tonight after Zac went to bed . That only leaves a few errands to run tomorrow with the kid . * I bought 5 pints of candy bar ice cream ( Bryer 's Snickers , Twix , Reese 's Cup , etc . ) . Yummo ! * My friend is hoping to come visit me this week ! Bad points : * He needed an early nap ( since he got up a little earlier ) , then didn 't take another nap all day . So by bedtime he was exhausted . * We couldn 't go to church , because Zachariah has a cold ( still ) . I won 't leave him in the nursery with a cold ( and I hope other mom 's will keep their sick kids out too ) , but he can 't sit quietly through the whole service . * Zachariah had 4 time - outs today . ( We just started doing this and it seems to help , but this is the most he 's gotten . ) * He sure likes to push my buttons . * Tomorrow is Monday . No one likes Mondays . And so I won 't dwell on all the bad , there is one final good . I stocked up on Halloween candy the day after Halloween . At least I have that to keep my company tomorrow ! Before I go to bed tonight , I must blog . Must blog . Must not skip a day in November . That 's been running through my head all day , but I don 't know what to blog about . Today was a lovely day . We had fun together as a family . Matt and I felt like we accomplished a lot around the house / outside . And I bought things ! Yeah ! Zachariah let me sleep in this morning , but I thought it was too early and tried to get him to go back to sleep . He would not be conned into sleeping more . So , I gave in and let him come out to get breakfast . On the way to the kitchen I noticed the clock , it was 7 : 50AM . He DID let me sleep in , but it sure hadn 't felt like it . I 'm happy for the coming time change , and I don 't like that they moved it back so far in the year . It is just too dark in the mornings here . At 8 : 00AM the sun was just starting to rise . I hate getting up in the dark . HATE . IT . But I do worry a little how the time change will affect Zachariah 's waking , napping , sleeping times for the next few days . Usually he does OK and adjusts rather quickly . Then this morning we went shopping . Kohl 's was having a big sale today , plus we had a " 15 % off your entire purchase " coupon . You just can 't beat that . I was in desperate need of some new pants ( I only have 2 that I wear over and over ; I do laundry often ) . So I got a pair of jeans and two new shirts . We also bought a little shirt and pants outfit for Zachariah , and Matt got a new pair of shoes . And we didn 't spend that much at all , because we got some great deals . We also looked around at a few other stores , then went out for lunch . By the time we got home , Zachariah was begging for a nap . ( He usually gets one between 11 : 30 - 12 : 30 , and at this point it was 2 : 00 . Poor guy . ) He went to sleep quickly , so Matt and I were able to get some things done . Matt changed a belt in his truck , I pulled plants out of the garden , Matt mowed the yard for one last time , we cleaned out the garage a bit , then I painted the laundry closet doors . It felt good to get some things done . We spent the rest of the daPosted by I feel compelled to write about my youngest sister , Mary . I don 't even know where to begin ( or where to end for that matter ) . Mary has been calling me a lot lately . This after about 2 years of only talking to her maybe once a month . Granted for a while they didn 't have a phone and now she has a cell phone with lots of minutes . But I still don 't get it . I 'm civil and nice to her on the phone and in person . But I don 't always really feel that way about her . To be honest she drives me nuts . Matt knows that , and so does my other sister , Rachel . Rachel gets it . She feels the same way . There are just so many things that are messed up with my relationship with Mary . And what really gets me sometimes is that she likes to act all buddy - buddy and best friends with me . That 's not really the way it is . I don 't tell Mary everything . In fact , I hardly tell her anything about my life . I don 't , because I feel like I can 't . Part of it is none of her business and there are just things that I don 't want to share with her . The other part of it is that Mary doesn 't listen very well . Most of the time she cares more about herself and her husband , and she completely neglects everyone else in her life . I hate that . I think that 's my biggest problem with her . Mary has been married for 2 years now . Her husband is . . . . well , I don 't know what to say about him without saying something I 'll regret later . He can be nice , but most of the time he 's not . He is more moody than most women . He 's terribly clingy . He doesn 't like my sister to have too many friends or dress too nice or look too pretty . He hates staying more than an hour at anything . This is horrible for family dinners . Mary tries to enjoy everyone 's company and he goes to the other room to pout . She always goes to check on him and sometimes spends the whole time in there with him . She caters way too much to him . I mean he is her husband and all , but he usually asks way too much of her . She just goes along with it , and it drives the rest of us crazy . Long story short , he can be a real jerk Posted by I am a mother . I have been married to Matt since 2000 , and we have two beautiful sons - Zachariah ( born March 2006 ) & Jonah ( born March 2013 ) . I am a licensed teacher , but I love being a stay at home mom .
|
I 'm going to take a moment to boast about all of our financial pitfalls lately . It 's been riding heavily on my shoulders recently and I figured why not blab to the world about it ? ! Here 's a list of our financial woes : February 18 - Travis had his hernia repair surgery , for which we had a co - pay due before the procedure . We are currently still paying for the remainder of the balance . Sometime soon after recovering from his surgery , Travis smashed his front tooth at work , which is actually a crown . That was a lot of money up front . Travis was driving his truck several months ago and his tire blew out . It ripped completely from one side to the other , so he had to put on the spare . He is still riding on that spare while we wait for money to magically appear . Last month , I went in for my annual inspection to find out that the tread on my tires are getting bad . They sad this is the last year it will pass so I need to get FOUR ( as opposed to Travis ' two ) new tires by next summer . It would be nice to get them sooner than later though because I have noticed lack of control in heavy rain . Travis recently went a week without pay . Because we had all these recent expenses , our savings has been depleted , making that time really hard to recover from . We technically had another two weeks without a paycheck from him because his new job only pays every two weeks . We were used to weekly paychecks for him . AND NOW , I have been laid off . I have until the end of July to find a new job . I work in research and am paid with soft money . That means when the money runs out and they can 't find more elsewhere , I get canned . My bosses are really sad to see me go and they are currently doing everything they can to keep me , but nothing is secured . We thought we had some extra money lying around made plans to build a patio before all this mess started . I love our patio , but I wish we could have used that money for surgeries , dental work , tires , Aiden 's birthday party and , honestly at this point , groceries . Hindsight is 20 / 20 . Last week I was in the kitchen making dinner . Travis wasn 't home from work yet and Aiden was playing in the living room . All of a sudden , he comes barreling into the kitchen holding a book , screaming " Pider Man ! Pider Man ! " I look at the book to see Spiderman on the cover . We have had that book since before Aiden was born and he has never shown any interest in it until now . I have never watched any Spiderman shows or movies with him up to this point , so I am a little unsure how he became so enthralled with him . I do recall Aiden coming up to me with a Spiderman action figure at daycare . Is that all it would take to capture his attention ? The next day I pulled out our Spiderman movie in the evening . Aiden was held in rapture for the entire movie . That is the first time he has ever SAT through an entire film . Aside from that time he barfed all over my car and sat in a vomit - zombie - trance for several hours afterward . He did watch the entire Elmo in Grouchland movie that day . This past weekend I pulled out Spiderman 2 . That one didn 't hold Aiden 's attention as well . I think there were less scenes with Spiderman in his suit , which happen to be his favorite parts . Maybe we 'll try to take him to Spiderman 4 this year ? We 'll see . Needless to say , I bought a couple Spiderman gifts for Aiden 's birthday . Posted by Saturday morning Aiden and I met the Ramby 's on the beach . There was an insane amount of seaweed covering the beach and more kept coming ! We saw lots of little creatures that had lived in the seaweed . Very cool ! Travis had to work in the morning , but he was off by the time Aiden woke up from his nap . That afternoon , we met the Ramby 's at a park that has a train caboose stationed within . Sadly , it was not open for the boys to explore . They did however , enjoy playing on the brand new playscape and watching the tons of turtles in the koi pond . Next time we need to bring bread so we can feed them ! After the park , we went over to the Ramby 's house for dinner . We stopped at the fish market near their house so they could grab some tilapia and shrimp . I 've never been in a fish market that big and found it very interesting . They had live crab and shrimp swimming around under the many tubs of seafood on ice . The guy that helped us explained that they keep the live crab in the water like that so they can get soft - shelled crab . They had octopus and GIANT squid . Seriously , I 've never seen squid so huge . The grilled dinner was EXCELLENT . Probably the best we 've eaten in weeks , since we 've been on the low - income Ramen diet . Hopefully things perk up here soon . I could really go for some more good eating ! Sunday we took it easy in the morning . Travis slept in . After lunch , Travis put Aiden down for a nap and I got on the road to buy stuff for Aiden 's birthday party that is to be held next weekend . ( Yay credit card ! ) Because money is so tight this year , we decided to throw a really small party . We invited eight of Aiden 's friends and our family . Last year we had over 50 people come , so this is a serious downsize . As of right now , the only family that 's attending is Ariel , Robert and my dad should hopefully be there . The plan is for him to stay a week or two and help us build that wall I keep talking about . The shopping was really EASY without having Aiden . He is actually really good when it comes to grocery shopping , as long as I don ' Posted by We had a weekend filled with the Yeager 's . Saturday afternoon , Travis stayed with Aiden and I went with Linsey , Kenley and Zach 's mom to a fundraising event for the Opera House in Galveston . Zach 's mom has been a major player in the fundraising committee and every year she goes to this event and invites Linsey and one of her friends along . Linsey invited me last year , but I was sick . This year , the stars aligned and I was able to go ! Basically , a bunch of ladies get together to eat food , drink wine and paint pottery . It was so much fun ! We sat at a round table when we got there and let Kenley sleep in her car seat for a bit . First we checked out our pottery options . I chose a trivet ( it took me 15 minutes of web searching to figure out that word ) and an oblong dish . After we had picked our ceramics , Zach 's mom held Kenley ( she was so good the whole time ! ) and we went to get food and drinks . After everyone arrived and was settled , the painting began ! I didn 't want to do anything detailed since I am not a seasoned artist . I did basic colors and a little fading . Hopefully it actually fades and doesn 't look block - like . I won 't know until I get it back after they are fired . I finished well before Linsey and her mother - in - law . After sitting there staring at my work for a few minutes , I wanted to do more . But I didn 't want to ruin it . Zach 's mom is a seasoned artist and I attempted to copy some of what she was doing . Hopefully it turns out okay ! Father 's Day was on Sunday , so I let Travis decide what he wanted to do . He chose to mow the back yard in the morning and then spend a few hours playing Playstation . After Aiden got up from his nap , we drove down to Galveston to meet the Yeager 's at the Moody Gardens Rainforest . They had to remodel after Hurricane Ike and we haven 't been since they reopened . There is now a catwalk in the canopy of the trees so you can get closer to the birds and various trees . It was really nice , but dang it was hot . 116 degrees , according to the readout display ! Of course , I forgot to bring my caPosted by Friday evening , I left Aiden with Auntie Ariel and Uncle Robert for a couple hours after work so I could meet some co - workers for dinner . Travis and I are currently the poorest we have ever been in our entire lives ( including our college years ) , so I had some serious guilt riding my shoulders . But ! One of my friends at work who is a student just successfully defended his dissertation and a celebration was in order ! We went to a new restaurant in town called Brickhouse . This is a complete oxymoron , but it was like a classy Hooters . The decor was very sleek and modern . The menu and the servers are definitely aimed at folks of the male persuasion . The food , however , is fabulous . I shared a sandwich with a friend that was amazing . Both the sandwich and the friend . I will definitely go back . I left the restaurant in time to get Aiden home for bed . As I pulled up in the driveway , I had a moment of excitement where I realized I would not have any animal messes to clean up . Travis had to work a little past 6 : 30 , which meant he got home before us . I got inside and asked Travis what the damage was when he arrived . Nothing . He said NOTHING ! The dog didn 't tear anything up , the cats didn 't poop or puke anywhere . NOT FAIR ! The one day Travis had to do it and there was nothing for him to do ! ! Gah . Anyhoo , this photo shows what he did to my plants the day he trampled everything . The aloe plant on the steps survived , no problems . The plan in the red pot were all but destroyed . To the left of that pot , you can see a piece of long white plastic . That was a long planter with flowers . I saved three of the plants from that and those in the red pot . They look horrific , without a single full leaf , but I 'm giving them a chance . I have worked so hard on my plants this year that I couldn 't bare to just throw them out . Besides , we can 't afford to replace them at this point . Aiden has been really great lately . He still has his moments , like every toddler , but it doesn 't feel like he 's constantly upset anymore . He just finished his 7th week at the new daycare and I think he 's finally getting the hang of it . Before we moved him , most parents and the teachers at his daycare said it would probably take him a week or two to get used to it . Well , Aiden took 6 weeks . This is the first week he didn 't cry every single morning as I left him . It is SUCH a relief ! Although , in his defense , I did realize AFTER the fact that Aiden had four teeth come in at the same time , right around the time he was starting at the new daycare . Yesterday was the Daddy & Me Breakfast at Aiden 's daycare , to celebrate Father 's Day . Since Travis is only in his third week at the new job , he didn 't want to take the time off . He asked if I would sit with Aiden for a few minutes when I dropped him off so he wouldn 't be the only kid without a parent . Turned out there were only three other kids with parents , out of the nine present . I stayed for a moment nonetheless . When I went for the Mommy & Me Breakfast last month , it was during Aiden 's first week at the daycare . He didn 't really know anybody yet . I was relieved to learn he now has friends . When I pick him up in the afternoon , he 's usually too excited to see me to really do anything else . But since I was sitting there for a few minutes , I got to see which kids he talked to . His favorite friend walked in as I was getting ready to leave . Her name is Bella . He screamed her name the moment he saw her and she screamed his name back . It was so cute ! Every morning when I drop Aiden off , I ask him if he 's excited to go play with his friends . After I said that today , Aiden says , " Bella ? " I said , " Yes ! You 're going to see Bella ! " When we got inside , Bella was not there yet . I guess she doesn 't usually come until after 8 , which is why I had never seen her before . The teacher explained that she is the most rambunctious of the girls , which is probably why Aiden is drawn to her . I have bNikki Our animals have gone insane . I don 't know what is up with them lately , but they have ALL gone bonkers . I mentioned already that Callaway has been escaping from the yard . Well , it hasn 't stopped . He manages to get out of every obstacle we give him . We tried tying him to a stake all day . It worked for a day or two , but then he somehow figured out how to finagle the carabiner just right so that his collar becomes unattached from the leash . The first time he got off the tether , it was immediately after I had hooked him up . I assumed I hadn 't latched the carabiner properly . I hopped back out of the car and hooked Callaway back up . When I got home that evening , he was unhooked again . Travis switched the latch type , hoping that Pupdini wouldn 't be able to figure that one out . He didn 't get out of it the first day , wiggle his way out of his collar on Tuesday . That evening , Aiden was playing on the back step and Callaway went out there with him . He was okay for about 5 minutes , but then he just freaked out . He started acting the way he does when I pull out the vacuum . He was crouched low to the ground , tail between his legs , ears and head down . I never figured out what scared him . Tuesday we tightened Callaway 's collar and Travis removed the lattice - work that hides the underside of our house . The dog started digging to get under in another spot . I don 't know why he can 't just use his original GAPING hole . When I got home last night , Callaway had managed to knock all of the potted plants of the back step along one side . One planter was completely destroyed , in a million pieces , strewn for several feet . Two other pots had completely lost their contents and were located , again , several feet from their original location . He also managed to tear apart half of the sago palm that guards our back door . I replanted the roots of the plants , in hopes that they will grow back . I don 't have high hopes , since they were severely trampled , with only a few leaves left . We were unable to buy rebar this past weekend because Travis has been wPosted by Saturday Travis and I celebrated our 5 Year Anniversary together . We went to Ariel 's in the morning so Aiden could go down for his nap there . I was hoping he would sleep longer than he did . He woke up before we had to leave for the movie , but he did well with us leaving him . We went straight to the theater and watched The Hangover 2 . It was the same concept as the first movie , but it did not disappoint . There were a few fairly disturbing parts , but all in all it was hilarious . After the movie , we stopped for dinner at a Greek restaurant I haven 't been to in a while . That really hit the spot . We managed to get back to pick up Aiden and have him in bed on time . Sunday morning was similar to Saturday . Travis went to Home Depot to pick up some tools he needs for the new job . Aiden and I got up and hung out for a bit and ate breakfast . When Travis got back we headed to Ariel 's before Aiden nap time . One of our mutual friends is currently attending Texas A & M and he 's in the corps . Part of being in the Maritime Academy is going on a summer cruise in the battleship - like boat . I actually don 't know which boat they are going on specifically , but he is going to some pretty amazing places . If I didn 't worry about being seasick , I would be more jealous of him . Ariel and Robert threw a bon voyage crawfish boil at their house Sunday afternoon . One of Ariel 's other friends just had a baby three weeks ago . Her name is Jodie Reef ( hippie name - ha ! ) and she is SO tiny . I remember when Aiden was just a little frog like that . = } We have been to many cookouts at Ariel and Robert 's house in the past two years . This was the first one I thoroughly enjoyed because Aiden was able to entertain himself so well . It was always difficult in the past because there is usually only one other kid at their parties for Aiden to play with . He 's also easier to play with now , so several of the other adults took time to hang out with him . We introduced Aiden to crustaceans . He got to hold a crawfish and " pet " a crab ! He was a little weary of the crawfish at fPosted by Five years ago today , Travis and I were married in the middle of a cornfield in Illinois . It 's crazy to realize how much we 've done since then . Whenever I get to milestones like this , I look back on that day and think about how I had no idea what life would be like today . Now , when we start something new like when I got pregnant , I wonder what life will be like in one year , two years , 10 years . Aiden is turning two in less than a month . When I tell people this , they can 't believe it 's been two years since I was pregnant . Time FLIES when you 're having fun . = ) We were hoping to do something extravagant to celebrate our milestone anniversary this year , but we have to postpone our big plans for ( hopefully ) later this summer . Due to the fact that Travis hasn 't had a paycheck in two weeks and we don 't expect one for another week . Instead , we 're going to drop Aiden off at Auntie Ariel 's tomorrow and go out for dinner and a movie . Sometimes simple things can be just as fun . There 's a whole lot less planning going into this , which in turn means less stress . I was a little over a month pregnant in the photo of us above , taken in 2008 . We had just found out a few weeks prior and weren 't ready to tell anyone yet . We had plans to go to a Halloween party at a friend 's house in Houston . I didn 't drink any alcohol at the party and blamed it on being the designated driver . People were very concerned about my lack of drinking . " Just one Jello shot , " they would say . " No biggie . " HA . It all made sense to them when I announced the pregnancy after the New Year . All in all , it 's been a good life thus far . Somehow , on Monday , Callaway managed to get out of the yard despite our blockades . The bricks and plank of wood were all still in place , so we had no idea how he did it . To avoid him getting out of the yard while we tried to figure out how he was getting out , we decided to kennel him on Tuesday . After work I had to stop at the gas station near our house . While I was standing there , I saw a work truck from Travis ' new company drive by . I was unable to see who was driving . I didn 't expect it to be Travis since he doesn 't take the work truck home , but I didn 't know for sure . When I pulled into the driveway , I noticed Callaway wasn 't in his kennel . Then I thought , maybe Travis ' co - worker had dropped him off at home for some reason ? And then Travis let Callaway out of his kennel on his way inside ? When I walked into the yard , Callaway didn 't come running , which could just mean he was inside the house . But it was weird that the door was latched . We always leave it unlatched in case Callaway wants to sit inside while he 's hanging out outside . I was starting to feel a little Twilight - Zone - ish when Callaway came running from his hideout under the house . I checked the door and it was locked , so I called Travis to see if he knew what was going on . I asked him if he had stopped by earlier in the day to let Callaway out of his kennel . He said no . Well then did the neighbor tell you he was going to let Callaway out ? Again , no . How else could Callaway get out and then have the door latch behind him ? It has a very difficult to use mechanism that requires an opposable thumb . While I was talking to Travis , I was staring at the kennel waiting for it to yell out it 's secret . I noticed a crack on the side , but it was barely big enough for a gecko to get through , let alone a 75 - pound dog . After closer inspection , I realized he had broken one of the screws off . I still cannot believe that he can fit through there , but that is the only explanation I can come up with . If this is how Pupdini escaped , then he could most definitely fit aroundPosted by Sunday afternoon , after we had the Callaway - situation under control , we drove back north for our friend Jacen 's birthday cookout . Travis and I were both in a horrible mood by the time we were en route . We fought Aiden for two hours , trying to get him to lay down for a nap , with no success . Then we had to deal with Callaway . We thought about not going to the party at all , since neither of us were in a socializing type of mood . But then I decided it would be good for us to go . If we stayed home , we would definitely remain in a funk . If we went to a party with friends , we would have the opportunity to cheer up . And man am I glad we went . We all had a lot of fun . I took boat loads of photos ( to make up for missed shots in the past ? ) and I had trouble choosing between them all . Chris made sure to show off his muscles for the camera . . . It was outrageously hot on Sunday , but if you stayed in the shade it wasn 't so bad with the breeze . Some of they guys played the Longest Game of Washers in History , while the rest of us lounged nearby . Supermodel Marina ( pictured on the left below ) did a great job with all the food . There were hot dogs , hamburgers , chicken breasts , ribs and then pasta salad and veggie salad and corn . I 'm not even going to go into the list of appetizers she had out beforehand . Kai , Travis , Skylar and Marina 's right half : After the Longest Game of Washers in History , we continued to hang out . There were a lot of kids there , which were quickly dubbed the Pack of Children . Aiden followed behind as they ran around the large property with walkie talkies , looking at rocks and plants and the horses and doing whatever else it is that entertains children for hours without a single toy ( aside from the walkie talkies , of course ) . Eventually a few of the older boys pulled a boat into the little pond . It was so funny because all they could really do was push the boat in and quickly turn around again . Aiden watched from the grass , while I tried not to have an anxiety attack about the possibility of him falling in . We could sPosted by I have been wanting to go to the beach with Aiden for a few weeks now . I want to get in as many trips as possible before the heat and tourism becomes unbearable . Travis wasn 't up for it this weekend - he didn 't feel like dealing with the sand . I feel the same way sometimes , but the need to get out of the house overpowered my disdain for sand everywhere . So Aiden and I headed to Galveston beach Saturday afternoon . Aiden has been taking naps later in the day ever since he learned to climb out of his travel crib , so we were later getting out of the door than I preferred . I went straight for East Beach because you can park your car right where you want to sit on the beach . Having Aiden , I 've found this much more convenient than having to walk a ways from the car with my arms full , all the while keeping track of Aiden . I knew there was a sand castle competition on Saturday , but I didn 't realize it would go so late in the day . So when I was stopped in traffic half a mile away from the beach , I decided to back track a bit to another beach . I had never been to this particular section of the beach , but Rachel frequents it when she can . It 's known to have more than the normal amount of rainbow umbrellas and same sex hand - holding . The perfect place for a woman to go if she 's not up for flirters . I recently bought a stake umbrella , so I was excited to put this to good use . This was the first time I 'd used it and it was only a bit breezy . Perfect for umbrella usage . We applied our sunscreen and went straight for the water . Aiden loves it . The water is warm now . It was still cold when we were on the beach for Mother 's Day . It 's not the hot bath water that it is in the dead of summer , but it was warm enough that I didn 't hesitate sticking my feet in . Aiden found some seaweed that he didn 't want to let go . He carried it around for the remainder of our time on the beach . After we played in the water for a while , we went back to hydrate and build a sand castle . Or should I say compacted sand pile ? Finally , we went back to the water tNikki As I look back at my life with boys , I am amazed by the number of Travis 's sprinkled throughout . My very first crush , ever , was a boy named Travis . It was Kindergarten . I decided he was the bee 's knees the moment I saw him in class that first day . My parents hadn 't had time to get my school supplies together that first week , so I had to share with my fellow classmates . The day that stands out in my mind , was the day we did watercolors . I had to share and the teacher chose Travis to share with me . I was soooo nervous , but excited ! We started on our pictures , but had to stop one minute later when Travis got mad at me for mixing the colors together . I was heartbroken and embarassed . As far as I can remember , Travis was never my boyfriend , just a crush . I now believe that procrastination with the school supplies and the years of similar stories in the years to come are the reason I am meticulous in my need to buy things way too far in advance . In the same vein , I am usually entirely too early at functions . I would rather be 30 minutes early to an event than 5 minutes late . It 's just not right . There was another minor Travis - crush in middle school . Fast forward to Freshman year of high school , and a new Travis came into my world . I attended a consolidated high school . The grade school I came from was the largest school to feed into our high school , but it was really interesting to see new faces at school . We had all been together pretty much from Kindergarten through 8th grade . High school was a small change for us . One of the other grade schools contained a Travis . He was so cool , laid back . I really liked him . We were friendly , but it was never more than that . I kind of got the vibe that he wasn 't interested in my , so I never pushed things with him . THEN ! The King of all Travis 's came into my life my senior year . It seems almost serendipitous that I should end my dating years with someone who has the same name as my first crush . I think it was meant to be . Travis ' first week at the new job is going great . He likes the guy he 's riding around with this week , but he hasn 't had much of a chance to get to know the other guys ( aside from the one he already knew ) . I really hope this week is a glance at his future with this job . He has worked so hard for many years , he deserves a job with a little slower pace of work . Because they service such a wide area , he spent more time driving than he ever did at the last electrical company . He already has his own truck that he is in charge of inspecting , although he won 't be driving around on his own for a few more weeks . He came home Wednesday night , excited about getting to arrange the truck how he wants . The guy he 's driving with right now had some great ideas on how to set up the bed of the truck , so I have a feeling Travis will be doing some of that to his own truck . When we first moved to Galveston , Travis got a job immediately working for Quizno 's , since that 's who he 'd worked for in Illinois . He worked there for a few months before hearing about a job at a plant east of Houston . It was a horribly long drive , especially during rush hour . He had an hour and a half commute each way . That was in addition to a 10 - hour work shift . We barely saw each other while he worked there . I hated it . Soon after I started my first semester at Texas A & M , I made some friends . We hung out at their apartment frequently and got to know their neighbors , Cristin and Kai . They had a baby who I think was around 1 year old at the time . Kai was in the middle of building a house on the west end of the island . He had contracted out all the big work , but was getting ready to get his own hands dirty to do all the smaller jobs . Since Travis had some construction experience from when he worked for my dad during the summers in Illinois , Kai hired him to help . Travis spent the entire summer helping Kai finish up the house , along with a occasional help from another friend of ours . The work Travis did for Kai was hard labor , but Kai was a good boss . It probably helPosted by We try to find time to relax in the hammock . Aiden really likes going for a swing in that thing . He absolutely refuses to sit on my lap though . Independent stinker . The tomato plants are thriving in our garden . We planted them too close together to use those metal cones for them to grow into . Instead , we stuck some dowel rods in the ground and tied the plants to it . Seems to be working well . We have some green tomatoes growing . They 're only the size of large marbles , so we 've got a ways to go . The onions and peppers are not doing very well . It seems like all the plants against the garage are doing better . We thought it might be because they get more shade , so Travis built this partial sun cover for the garden . The white trellis sticking up in the front are for the cucumbers . My favorriiittteee . . . We tucked Aiden 's new sandbox into the corner of the house in the front yard . After the wall goes up it will have more privacy . We are hoping to eventually put up a swing set next to it as well . My dad , Travis and I had a teleconference last night to discuss more options for the wall . We were originally planning on doing a stucco wall . That is definitely still in the running , but we are worried about the grill smoke staining the wall . We are trying to come up with solutions for that . At this point , we are thinking about putting tile in the grill nook . That would be easier to clean than stucco . We are also contemplating a prefab vinyl wall , with some sort of metal surround for the grill nook . The vinyl would melt , so that would not be an option around the heat ( hence the pressed metal ) . My dad is in the process of finalizing some stuff at work . If that all goes well , then he should have some time off to come help with the wall . He is also working on getting quotes for the different wall types to see what we 're working with . The prefab wall would be soooooo much easier , but I think the stucco wall would be more unique and personalized . Here 's a mock up my dad made of the new wall from the patio side . Looks like a smiley face , riPosted by We had a lovely three day weekend with Travis at home . We spent a lot of time sitting in the yard while Aiden enjoyed his new sandbox . We had some boards leftover from building the veggie garden , sand leftover from laying the patio and Travis had some time leftover without working for the past week . Bam ! Sandbox . Saturday afternoon we had some friends over to enjoy use the new patio space with us . Unfortunately , I forgot my camera existed on that day . Boo . But we had a great time ! We ate burgers and lots of sweets . I 'm fairly confident I gained a few pounds from all the junk I ate this weekend . My clothes are feeling a little snug this today . I am looking forward to bumping out the wall around the patio moreso now that we had that party . I think it was a little stressful for all the parents with small children running around ( me included ) . We live on a busy street and it would be all too easy for one stray child to run into off towards the danger zone . That left all the parents on their toes , which means they had a difficult time socializing . It will also be nice when the overflow of people on the patio can stand in the yard , as opposed to the driveway . Travis and I stayed up chatting with my work - friend Michelle until 12 : 30 in the morning . ! ! ! I was exhausted the next day . We watched TV and the movie Astro Boy ( very cute ! ) and did some more sitting outside . We even took a nap at the same time as Aiden ! Monday afternoon we went over to the Ramby 's . The boys played in the kiddie pool and the adults chillaxed . Snack breakLaying in the sun Skylar has her own little pool of bath - warm water Play zoneJust hanging out with usRough play in the yardComing back to work on Tuesday was rough . Especially since I had such a busy first day back . Travis had yesterday off , but he 's at his first day at the new job today . Wish him luck ! I grew up in central Illinois , but moved south of Houston , Texas in 2002 . I live with my husband Travis , son Aiden and daughter Mila in our first home . Most of our time is spent doing things as a family and I love it ! I also live with two cats and some fish . I work as a safety specialist at a research hospital and hope to make it my career . Feel free to leave a comment and let me know you stopped by .
|
It 's the Christmas season in full swing here in Germany and I 've been busy every weekend , first I was in Italy , then Sam Hemmerich came to visit me in Jena , and now Holly Manning ( former speech coach ) is here . I have not had a lot of time to do my blog because we have been doing a lot of visiting of the Christmas Markets . I have tons of pictures , though and some good stories for my blog that I will probably update more thoroughly in January . We went to a few pubs and a club in Dublin and had the times of our lives . The drinks , of course , were not the cheapest , but we drank anyway . I discovered the most wonderful concoction : cider . The one that I drank was Bulmer 's Irish Cider and it was so good , it is basically just carbonated apple cider with some alcohol , very tasty . This picture was taken at The Brazen Head , the oldest pub in Ireland dating back to the 12th Century . We always encountered fun characters and good stories in the pubs and had a great time . We also had some great Irish food . The girl in this picture is Raquel . She was in my Freshmen Orientation Club and is studying in Galway this semester so Maria and I went to visit her and she met us and hung out with us while we were in Dublin . Although I can not find it within myself to drink beer because it always make me sick , this was one of the coolest places I 've ever been . And yes , of course , I drank some Guinness while I was there , what kind of Irishman would I be if I didn 't take up that opportunity ? We learned about all of the ingredients and where they all come from in Ireland , that 's right almost all of of what they put into Guinness is grown in Ireland . The only ingredient that is not Irish is the hops that cannot be grown in the Irish climate . One thing that I found to be VERY interesting was that they have been using the same crop of wheat since the beginning of the company . They have been taking some of the seeds from the line and saving them and replanting from there . If anything should ever happen to that strain of seeds , the president of the company has an emergency back - up of wheat in the safe in his office . Interesting , right ? We also saw all of the cool advertisements from throughout their history , and it was fun to see how those evolved . We then went to the top of the building and were able to look out over Dublin . Unlike Cologne , Dublin was wonderful to look out on . The Liffey was clearly visible as was the Dublin Spire ( the artwork that my friends from Ireland call the most worthless thing they 've ever seen ) It was a really great way to end the tour , but we weren 't quite done . We went back down a few levels and were able to pour our own " perfect " Guinness . I poured mine and , yes , had a few sips of it . I just can 't keep it down . I have to say , it was fun though ! Alright people , what is that word ? It 's a common enough word that you 've all used before . I encountered it when reading the British version of " Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows " . Any Ideas ? It 's jail . That is just one of those words that we have completely changed in the United States ! Interesting , right ? So was this prison . It was build in the 18th Century and held people from all ages and walks of life . During the Irish Potato Famine it held a lot of children and adults alike who realized that if they were in prison they would get a ceiling over their heads and food , something they were not able to get on the streets . There was one story of an eight - year - old girl who had to work doing laundry and in the kitchens for 6 months because she stole a woman 's scarf to stay warm during the winter , and she was here all alone the entire time . However , when the Irish people really started to rebel from the British Empire , the prison had a much more practical use : against revolutionaries . Many men and women stayed within these walls before they were executed for crimes against the British Crown . Some of the most famous names in Irish Independence have their names in a plaque above the cell they stayed in before they were killed . The history of this place was absolutely amazing . 4 . The National Leprechaun Museum THIS WAS SO COOL ! ! We went here just to kill some time before dinner and I think it was one of the coolest places we went . We learned about how Walt Disney single handedly destroyed the proper image of Leprechauns . They are supposed to have pointy red hats , for example . We had the coolest tour guide who even took time to tell us a real story of the history of Ireland . There was a giant who could turn people into stone with his one eye ! A real story of Irish history to be sure . : ) I loved the room that was there where everything was 1 / 3 times the size of actual furniture , so we were the size of Leprechauns . It was just so cool . We then made a wish in the wishing well and went through a rainbow to a pot ( in Ireland they say " crock " ) of gold . If you ever go to Ireland . . . go here . OK . It 's just a river . . . but it was so cool seeing it in the morning , night , afternoon , whenever . I just loved it so much and couldn 't stop taking pictures of it . Today is mine and Braden 's two year anniversary . We have been through so much together and I couldn 't be happier . Regrettably , I am in Italy and he is in Germany right now and we cannot be together . However , we still love each other very much and I am so grateful to have him in my life . After all , we did start dating on Thanksgiving in 2008 . He has done nothing but improve my life . Thank you for everything Braden , I love you . This will be my first post with exclusive pictures that are not on Facebook . I need something special for my loyal readers , right ? Well , unlike all of you lucky people residing in the States this year , we did not have the luxury to go to any theatre at any time and see the original version of Harry Potter 7 in English . We could have done that if we wanted to see it in German , but that is clearly not the same . So after much deliberation , we decided to go to Frankfurt am Main to see the premiere of the movie . When we looked , there was not a midnight showing on Thursday in English , so we decided to just go the day it cam out . We took a train and left early on Friday morning so that we would not be late . It takes about 3 hours by train to get there from Jena , so Braden took a little nap . Our first stop was in Eisenach on the outskirts of Thuringen ( the German state that we live in ) . It was cheaper for us to buy tickets from there to Frankfurt and it is free for us to travel to Eisenach , so we saved some cash that way . We had a little bit of a layover , so Yvonne and Braden decided to start the day off right with some Becks beer that it is completely socially acceptable to drink on public transportation , which they promptly did . We then checked into Frankfurt Hostel right by the Hauptbahnhof . If you 've read my post " Yeah " then you know what went down there that night , but it was not on our mind at this point , we were so excited to see the movie . We had my new British copy of the seventh book with that I had finished reading the Monday before the premiere . Reading the book the second time really made me appreciate everything so much more , and I also like to read the book right before I see a movie so I can quickly compare it and know what was missing and what changed . We took the U - bahn , which is like an innerc - city subway system , to the theatre . This is Maria and I outside of the English theatre in Frankfurt am Main . They show movies in their original English versions here , so obviously this was a safe haven for people like us . That is , Americans . I was , of course , wearing my Bellatrix Lestrange shirt that I brought with me just for such occasions . When we got inside , we saw that there was a place to pose for another great movie that is about to come out , The Chronicles of Narnia : The Voyage of the Dawn Tredder . Yvonne and I are both huge fans of the movies and the books , so we wanted out photo taken with this set up . I 'm VERY excited for this movie ! ! Once we had our tickets checked , ( that I apparently did not need to pre - order because the theatre was not full . I guess I didn 't think that it wouldn 't be sold out . I must have forgotten the primary language is not English . . . huh ) we immediately went for the cardboard characters . The first , naturally , was Hermione . She has always been mine and Braden 's favorite . Finally , Yvonne 's love for Snape could not be overlooked . I love that for this movie he is still a bad guy and therefore has the same text as Voldemort and Bellatrix . I still don 't think I 'll ever really like Severus Snape . We got to our theatre and sat down in our reserved seats ( that 's one thing that I like about German Cinema ) and bought our treats and buckled down for the long haul . I was very sad a couple of times , but tears fell for Dobby . I like the change they did with Hedwig dying defending Harry instead of stuck in a cage . I appreciate how the movie moved VERY fast and if you weren 't a die hard fan you probably wouldn 't have understood the whole thing . Stuff like that makes me very happy . It was a wonderful movie that I very much enjoyed and marveled at how well they followed the book . I 'm so anxious for the last movie to come out , though sadly , I will still be in Germany when it does and will have to make yet another special trip somewhere to see it . I , however , will not ever be returning to Frankfurt am Main unless I have to after what happened that night in the hostel . For more information on that , only look a few posts earlier . This church is just absolutely breathtaking . I can 't explain to any of you that haven 't seen it how incredibly huge it is . According to Wikipedia ( which is a completely legitimate source in every way ) it is one of the top 5 highest churches in the world . The tallest church is also in Germany , the Ulmer Munster and I will probably be visiting that , too . But , after having read " Fluch über dem Dom " in German 212 I have wanted to come to this magnificent Cathedral to see what all the fuss was about . The fuss is right . You feel so small when standing next to this church in a completely different way than when you 're standing by say the Sears Tower or the Empire State Building . The magnitude is overwhelming . Braden and I spent a lot of time just standing in front of the church and looking at it . We walked around the entire building and there was never a moment when it lost its grandeur . And then we went inside . This was equally as magnificent . The stained glass windows were reflecting with the setting sun and there was so much room in there ! There was one stained glass window that I really liked that was a bunch of squares and the sun was hitting it just so that it made the floor look like a disjointed rainbow . It was really cool . We also got a look at the reliquian ( relics ) in the Church . Apparently the bones of the three Wise Men are in this church inside a golden structure . It was pretty far away and looked up for the day , but I could see it and it was cool being able to see something that has been in the possession of the Catholic Church since it began . Overall , the church was amazing and really big and very tall . After we had explored the interior and exterior it was time to make the huge climb to the top . OK . I don 't really need to say much here except that . . . OMG . There were SO many stairs . It was very hard . There were also so many people that we were constantly touching someone and constantly moving up . My legs HURT . But , we got to the top . I wish I could say the view was breathtaking , but it was just high . The city of Cologne is not THAT pretty . But , the river was pretty and just being at the top of one of the tallest churches in the world was cool , especially when I thought of how each stone was laid by hand well before any modern technology . Here is where the magnificence really became apparent . This monster of a structure dwarfed everything around it and its light can be seen from all over the city . The church is just wonderful . I know , this is kinda lame as one of the Top 5 Moments , but it was really nice . We were in a little gay café and we had a great time just sitting and people watching . I had eggs with some ham in them and Braden had a typisch deutsches breakfast . It was really a nice way to relax and hang out . It was here that we decided that Cologne is one of those cities that would be great to live in , but is not the best tourist destination for anything really except for the Dom . And the Dom is worth coming to Cologne just to see it . 5 . The Roman Museum In the shadows of the Dom lies a museum dedicated to when the Romans occupied Cologne . I must say , this part of history was VERY interesting . The picture below is made of little pebbles and is a mosaic dedicated to Dionysus . They found this completely in tact when they were building bomb raid shelters during World War II . Imagine digging and finding something so beautiful and old ! They continued to find more objects every time they built a new station for their subway system . The museum has jewelry , pots , coins and much more . There was even a well that was built before Jesus Christ that we could touch . It was a really good way to spend some time while we were waiting for our train . There were a few other random things we did like take artsy pictures buy the river , and eating some eis by the Alt Stadt ( Old City ) , and even trying to see one of Braden 's favorite German artists ( but none of her paintings were on display ) . However , we ended up hanging out in the Hauptbahnhof waiting patiently for our train . There is enough to do in Cologne for exactly one day . Arrive in the morning and leave at night . It is amazing and beautiful , but there just isn 't a ton to see . After returning from a night on the town in Frankfurt around 1 : 30 AM , I went straight to bed . I slept just fine until about 2 : 45 AM when I noticed the lights were on and I heard someone digging around in change . After that I couldn 't really get to sleep and I heard that a man was speaking to Yvonne in the bed kiddy corner from mine . He was speaking a language that none of us would understand , Yvonne tried to speak to him in English and German to no avail . He then got up , turned the light off and said , " Schlaf gut ( Sleep well ) " . Yvonne immediately jumped out of bed and asked where her phone was , and she could not find it . She went out into the hallway and luckily the man was still standing there . She asked him in both languages for her phone , but instead he showed her an iPod , Maria 's iPod . He had taken that from right next to her pillow . Yvonne took that and returned to the man and again asked for her phone , instead he waived MY student ID card in her face . She grabbed that and returned it to me . I then was worried and looked through all of my things to see what was missing . It turns out he had emptied my pockets , that was the noise that we had all heard and assumed that he was just taking off his pants to sleep . He had also taken my phone . Thankfully , he did not seem to look through my jacket that had my camera , iPod and wallet in it . However , Braden 's jacket was missing and so was 15 Euro from his wallet . So , Yvonne went back into the hallway to ask for her phone , but instead was presented with mine , she responded , " This does not belong to you , this does not belong to me , " and gave the phone back to me . Braden then went out into the hallway and saw that his jacket was on the floor next to the man 's red plastic bag and grabbed it from the floor . He returned to the room , threw his jacket on the bed and said that he was so pissed he was shaking . Braden went down the reception area to ask them to call the police and the man and Yvonne followed him down . I threw my pants on and followed because I did not want just Braden to have to hold the man if he tried to run . Thankfully , the man at the desk was capable and fairly level - headed . He called the police and the man sat at the bar . Braden and I were guarding the door with our arms crossed looking like proper security guards . This made the man upset and he became very aggressive . He started to come up into my face and mocked me with my arms crossed and balled up his fists repeating , " boxing ? boxing ? " I am not going to lie , I was terrified and shaking , but I did not let it show . Yvonne returneHe started to get really angry after about 5 minutes and made for the door to leave . The reception was on the third floor and he would have to go down three flights to make it out , so he wasn 't exactly right at the door out of the building . But , the worker , myself and Braden all tried to stop him from leaving . This resulted in Braden getting punched in the face . He broke through us and started going down the stairs . The receptionist followed him down the stair and then so did the three of us ( Braden , Yvonne and I ) . I was closest to him and he started up the stairs a few times when I got too close to him like he was going to attack me , but he never did . He then got to the exit and the receptionist held the door shut , but the man opened it anyway and went out into the street . I was right behind him with the receptionist . Thankfully , there was a police van right outside the door for an entirely unrelated reason ( though the police had been called about 10 - 15 minutes ago ) . The receptionist and the Romanian went to the police and the receptionist explained the situation . The Romanian did something to the policeman ( i 'm not sure if he pushed him or spit at him ) , and soon he was in cuffs and led to the police van . Yvonne and I then went out to tell the police the story . We had no shoes on and the sidewalk was SO cold ! ! We waited by the van and while we were waiting the man spit in the face of the other officer and tried to run away and he got punched in the nose . He tried to walk away again and got shin kicked and tackled . When more police came , he tried again to escape and ( this is from April 's point of view in the room , I think ) he was hi - kicked in the chest . We were waiting to talk to the police and Braden was holding the hostel door open . People from every window were looking at the scene and the balconies were filled with people . Of course , none of the other people in the reception helped when the man ran for the door . However , we were waiting and explaining what was going on and the police officer said we needed to get our IDs . We went back to room 502 and got our IDs and SHOES ! We filled in Maria and April what was going on and went back down to the police . Yvonne told them the whole story and he took down all of our information and what was taken and returned . He then told us that Maria also needed to be interviewed because she had an iPod taken and returned . This took about 45 minutes and then he told us that Yvonne needed to go down to the station and give an actual written / spoken statement . ( Remember , this was all happening in German ) . I was not going to let her go anywhere alone so I volunteered to go down to the station with her . We walked over to the police van ( the Romanian had since been taken away by another police car ) and looked inside to see more than a little blood on the floor and the seat . They had put a mask on the man either because he kept spitting or because he nose was bleeding everywhere from having been broken . A woman , I think the girlfriend of one of the officers , was talking to us and helping where she could , she was very nice . I got into the front seat and Yvonne sat in the back with the blood and another officer . The officer in the back examined his fist and shook it in pain . We arrived at the station and had to sit in the waiting area while they discussed what needed to be done about us . We were , after all , exchange students and our German was not perfect . We got seated with a woman in the precinct and she took Yvonne 's statement ( with some embellishment from me every once and a while , of course ) . We were at the station until it was past 5 in the morning . I had only had about an hour in the bed and had not really slept . We then had to walk back the 5 - 6 blocks to the hostel . While we were at the station , Braden sent me a text informing me that they had found a 10 inch knife in the bathroom on our floor and said , " we need to leave . " And leave we did . As soon as we got back to the hostel . We went first to the reception so the man knew we were back and took look for Yvonne 's phone . While we were down at the station , an officer who had searched the man gave the battery from her phone to her . She was very sad because that was already her second phone since being in Germany having lost one already . We thought though , that since he only had the battery maybe he had hid it in the reception area . Sure enough , Yvonne found her phone outside on the balcony behind a potted plant . Wonderful . We went upstairs and reunited with everyone and we shared our different perspectives of the nights proceedings . Apparently there was a second man and while the four of us were with the police , April had been terrified that he would come to the room while she was alone . Braden had met a man from England who was very nice and helpful and another person who said their stuff had been gone through earlier that day . Overall , we were just exhausted from the entirety of the night and felt much safer going to the train station and being in public . We went to check out and told the man about the knife and he said , " Oh , don 't worry that 's mine . " That . Was . Enough . The Romanian had left his room key in the room , and that was a 5 Euro deposit , so Yvonne was able to get 5 Euro out of the deal . I was expecting him to comp our room and I think I will write an e - mail to them asking for one . We were in the room for maybe an hour before we were terrorized by an Eastern European Skinhead Neo - Nazi . We then went to Hauptbahnhof and got some items at the bakery . While there , a man came up from behind Braden and slapped him fairly hard on the back and started to make sounds with his mouth . He was mute , and I think asking for money . We were all just like , really ? Yvonne dealt with it and we just stayed together as a group until we could leave that God - forsaken city . We were then on a train for over 5 hours and finally got to Erfurt to say goodbye to Braden . While in Erfurt , the police in Frankfurt called me on my cell phone and asked , " Do you remember being in the police station last night ? " I was like . . . . of course . They wanted me , Maria and Braden to come into the station and give our statements now . They could have done that last night , but they only asked for Yvonne 's . I also think it would have been funny to all go to the station and leave April alone at the hostel . And , by funny , I mean terrible . I told him that we were already in Erfurt and on our way to Jena and he said he would call me back . Still waiting for that call . This week is not going to be as fascinating as some of the other posts I 've had or as long , but this was a vacation , so it gets included in the Sunday post . We went to Leipzig on a cold and rainy October day and the weather was a signifier of what was going to happen . We maybe should have just stayed home . Something exciting about this trip was that it was the first time Yvonne came with us on one of our excursions . The actual highlight of this trip for me was lunch at a really nice Irish pub , but we didn 't take any pictures there , so it is not included in the Top 5 Moments . So , here we go : Picture 1 : St . Nikolaikirche Of all the churches I have seen in my time in Europe , which is not too many but still quite a few , this one had the most original interior except of course the Bone Church . It is very light inside of it and the arches kinda look like palm leaves . The pews are cream . It was just very pretty . Not spectacular or breathtaking , but pretty . Picture 2 : Bach Johann Sebastian Bach worked his entire life in Leipzig in the St . Thomaskirche , and although we went twice , it was closed at both times . Not the best at organizing on our part . However , this was a nice statue . Picture 3 : The DDR In this picture is a real piece of the Berlin wall . It stands right in front of the Stasi Museum in Leipzig . That museum was interesting , but all in German . Though I can speak it decently , I cannot understand it enough to read plaques in a museum , so . . . a lot of the interesting stuff was lost on me . I recognize that there was interesting information in there because Braden told me there was . After this museum we went and had a lovely lunch . Picture 4 : The Town Hall Apparently Leipzig has one of the largest town halls in the world with over 600 rooms , so we went to check that out . It was indeed very large , but it was closed because it was Saturday . So , we just went and saw it . We then walked through the mall that was pretty big and worked our way back to the Hauptbahnhof ( which you should all know my now means : Main Train Station ) . That was when the trip got really interesting . There was a huge crown in front of the doors to get into the Hbf and we didn 't know why . There were people in front of my wearing all black and the only thing I could hear them say was " Neo - nazi " . . . that is when I got scared . I was in the lead , naturally , but I turned to Braden and said , " You 're going first , " and when he objected I responded , " I don 't speak German . " I thought maybe they were checking tickets to make sure no one that wasn 't supposed to be there got into the Hbf , Braden was also scared , though and made Yvonne , who has the best German , go first . She and her broken leg plowed through the crowd and the group of Polezei didn 't give us any sideways glance , so that was good . We then found out there are apparently a series of random protest planned throughout the city during that day . We had seen a lot of police all day but hadn 't thought anything of it . We had assumed that it was just a futball match or something , but no , it was riots . I guess both sides , right and left , were rioting and the black was the left . We worked our way up to our train to Halle and then at the platform Braden was questioned by the Polezei , but he showed him the ticket and all was well . Here is a picture of the Polezei in their helmets outside of our train . There were Polezei in Halle , too . Because we had to wait for passengers in Leipzig , our train was late in Halle and we had to wait an hour for the next train . So , we explored the Halle Hbf and then hoped on our train and got back to Jena and went right to our rooms to relax . Thanks Yvonne for coming with us , sorry your first trip with us wasn 't super fun ! For this Sunday , I am going to relive something that is perhaps better left in the past . However , at the same time I never want to forget this day . . . . not that I think I could if I tried . First of all , the day did not start out right because we could not have breakfast with Christina and Gastone , too bad . We did , however , make it to the main train station at just the right time . That is when we saw the train that would be taking us further into Eastern Europe : Oh yes , that wonderful relic from the Iron Curtain days was here just for us . We were so excited . The trip there was nothing too special and nothing too eventful happened . Then , we got to Kutna Hora which is in about the middle of the Czech Republic . Walking around at first it seemed just fine and then we found the Bone Church with no problems at all . We got into the church and the man at the front desk even spoke really good English . The day was looking up . We then turned around and saw one of the most interesting things ever , a church decorated with human bones . There is a chandelier made of all the bones in the human body . These bones were all gathered by a man that used to work at the Ossuary at the time of the Great Plague in Europe . There were just so many bodies that he didn 't know what to do with them all , so he decided to get creative . He may have gone a little overboard , but the result is really quite astounding . This is the coat of arms for the local royal family at the time : This was a very interesting excursion . We then went across the street to a large church that April and Braden continued to argue over which type of style it was built in and they ended up both being right . The church was pretty but nothing overly spectacular . One of the cool parts of this church , the Cathedral of our Lady , was that we could go up into the rafters . Really , just play in them . Here is a picture of Braden pretending to fall down into the rafters : After leaving that church , we started the walk to the much more regal and beautiful St . Barbara 's . What we didn 't know was that this was about 1 mile to the town and another . 5 from there . It was a very long walk , but we finally made it to the right area . This is where the day started to go downhill just a little bit . I decided , with the support of Maria and April , that we should take a stroll through this random gate and get to the church that way . We walked all the way uphill and found that we were at a dead end . Yay . Well , at least I got a decent picture from it . We then turned around and went all the way back to the main road and followed the sign correctly . Then we got to this beautiful promenade that led up to the church . It was autumn and beautiful and I took a lot of pictures of the town and the great view from above . This picture obviously does not do the beauty justice . After finally getting here , though , none of us were in great moods . We just wanted to get to the church and see what we paid for . Braden , however , decided that he wanted to jump over then stone fence pictured above to get the grapes on the other side pictured below . I told him that he would never do something like that . I was right , he didn 't . He says because there were too many people , and I say that shouldn 't have stopped him if he really wanted to do it . The fact remains , however , that he did not jump over and get the grapes . Then the walk back . That was not fun . I was in a bad mood and Braden wasn 't helping it and I was mad that we had such a weird amount of time left . We hadn 't really eaten all day and I wanted to stop and eat but we didn 't know how long that would take because we still had to walk the almost 2 miles back to the train station . However , if we left town there wasn 't really anywhere we could eat . A predicament . I decided I was going to stop at a grocery store and buy some Cookie Crisp and some water to solve the problem for myself . The others opted to wait until they were back in Prague . To each his own . We were set to be very early to the train station so we slowed the pace and tried to just enjoy the lovely weather . . . well that is when it started to cool down . Great . We got to the station and had about an hour to wait for our train to come . So , we played rousing games of " Watch that Leaf Fall " and the like but it turned out to be too early in the season for those particular trees to be changing colors , so that game was a flop . It was great . We made the best of it , though . We then went over to the tracks that had sunlight to warm up a bit and wait for the train . There were a lot of other Americans there including a group of four jockey guys that surprised me with their ability to survive in Europe . Maybe they only appeared jockey ? The train came and we boarded with our printed off tickets in hand . Getting the tickets was quite an ordeal . We had to navigate the impossible website first of all and that was not fun . When we finally got that all figured out we had to enter our student id numbers in order to get the student rate . Mine and April 's ID numbers are the same for the first 10 numbers and they would not allow that , so Maria entered the last 10 digits of April 's ID . We then found out we couldn 't print at the hotel so the girls had to go to an internet cafe and print it there . But , at the end of the day we had our tickets and all was well . They worked perfectly on the way to Kutna Hora . However , it seemed , this was not going to be the same . When the ticket checker woman came to our train , she first took care of the Australian couple and then the Asian girls and moved on to Braden . For his ticket , she asked to see his student ID . Keep in mind this was all in Czech . She then asked for my ticket . At first she couldn 't find my number , but then she did and all was well . She moved on to April 's . . . uh - oh . She started to yell at April that the numbers did not match and then April in English tried to explain that it was the last numbers and the woman kept rolling her eyes at April and looking to me and rolling her eyes and everyone in the cabin was just beside themselves because the situation was so funny and yet serious . The woman gave up on April and checked Maria 's . . . all good there , too . Back to April . It was just not going to work so in a fit of frustration she threw the stuff at April and slammed the cabin door . All of our tickets were stamped except April 's . Immediately after the door closed , the entire cabin began to laugh their as * es off . I was crying . Soon after , the train began to slow down . I looked out the window and said , " April , there is nothing out there . " She looked terrified and we all began to laugh again , hard . It was so funny . We were all just at the end of our ropes and this is exactly what we needed . It turns out we were slowing for a stop , but April was not kicked off . When we arrived back in Prague , we all ran as fast as we could off of that train and thanked God we were back at least in a big city where people spoke English . That will forever be referred to as The Kutna Hora Incident . I am a 23 year old college student from small town USA who graduated from college in Moorhead , Minnesota . I previously lived in Jena , Germany and have now moved on to St . Paul , MN . I am having a great time with life after college and I feel it 's best when peppered with regular travel .
|
I really need to go through the photos on my camera . I had my baby shower this weekend and it was awesome ! But instead of sorting through those during the evening , I 've been trying to get through our taxes . I realized that we will be able to use medical deductions this year since we can easily meet the minimum requirement . I did not organize all our medical receipts throughout the year like I have in the past , so things are moving quite slowly . Travis had his hernia surgery and some dental work done . Top that off with the fact that we can claim insurance premiums . I had no idea ! Very exciting . I prefer the years when we get a refund over the years we have to pay . Blech . Anywho , I hope to get to the photos sooner than later . I would like to mention here how proud of Aiden I am when it comes to potty training . He just jumped right into it , no problems . He wears underwear all day now . We put him in night time Pull - ups when he sleeps so he feels like a big kid and not a baby still wearing diapers . It 's going GREAT . I couldn 't be more ecstatic . I just hope there is no regression in this area when Mila is born ! I have learned to dread bathrooms as of late . Between being pregnant and going through potty training with Aiden , it 's been a real ordeal . Bathroom obstacle # 1 : Air freshner . My sense of smell is insanely sensitive . Whatever that crap is that they spray in public restrooms is HORRID . I walk into the bathroom at work , or Target , or the zoo , or whatever restaurant and instantly gag . Have you seen those gel air freshners before ? They look like a yogurt container with the foil top peeled back , but they 're filled with brightly colored goo instead . I want to take them all and throw ' em out the window . Bathroom obstacle # 2 . 0 : Automatic flushing toilets . I know this is getting personal ( it 's been known to happen on this blog before ) , but now that I have a big belly , wiping has gotten a little awkward . I generally have to lean to the right a bit to get business taken care of , which sets off the toilet to flush . While I 'm still sitting on it . GROSS . Happens every time though and every toilet in my work building has these automatic toilets . Bathroom obstacle # 2 . 1 : Automatic flushing toilets and Aiden . Aiden is just learning to use normal size toilets . First , I 'd like you to picture a but half the size of yours . Maybe smaller . Then imagine that on an adult toilet . It doesn 't take much for him to fall in . To help him out , I try to hold him up by the arm pits while he focuses on keeping his pee in the toilet . We haven 't quite graduated to peeing standing up yet . Not sure how we would do that at an adult - sized toilet anyway . Anyhoo , when I 'm done holding him up , I take a step back to ask him if he 's done . When I remove my presence from holding him up , that sets off the automatic flush . Scares Aiden a little . I try to blow it off to show him it 's no big deal . Again , picture a giant tiled bathroom filled with echoing sounds of other people peeing , flushing , washing their hands and using the hand dryer . It 's a little scary , I 'm sure . Getting him to use a public restroom is worse than getting teeth pulled . I think what 's making these bathroom ordeals so much worse is how frequently I 'm in there . I pee , minimum , every two hours . I usually get up one to three times throughout the night , depending on when I go to bed and how hard and long I 'm sleeping . Add to that Aiden 's need to use the restroom and I 'm starting to think I should look into buying stock in bathroom fixtures . It helps that my dad and Travis are around when we 're at a lot of these public places to take turns with me lately . Just one of the things I won 't miss about pregnancy . . . This past weekend was a three - day weekend for me because of President 's Day . It worked out perfectly with my dad being in town and staying at our house for the week . ( He 's staying the next two weeks at Ariel 's . ) Aiden saw these guys and wanted to go pet them . Travis said he did too , but that they weren 't allowed to . Aiden then said he wanted to ride them . Travis said he did too , but again , they weren 't allowed to . They don 't get to do anything fun . Aiden passed out on the ride ho e . It was 2 pm by this point , so we decided to stop at a nursery on the way ba k . Travis stayed in the car with Aiden while my dad and I went in to pick the brains of a few plant buf s . Unfortunately , Aiden proceeded to wake up with an intense need to go pot y . He ended up having diarrhea in his Pull - up because the line was too long for the public restro m . Poor guy was pretty upset about his accident , not to mention feeling crappy because of the diarrh a . I think we kept him up too long and he ate too much crap ( hot dog and popcorn ) at the z o . I think we 've raised Aiden to have an uppity col n . Anything less than organic yogurt or hummus is not good enough for The Uppity Col Ahhhhhhh ! This pregnancy is flying by SO quickly . We have done nothing to prepare for the new arrival . I am super looking forward to my baby shower this weekend ( courtesy of my friends Alexa and Linsey ) . I think it will help soothe my qualms a bit . Plus , after that we 'll have a better idea of what we have left to buy . Our baby shower for Aiden was co - ed . It was fun because Travis got to be a part of the whole baby thing for our first child . This time around , we 're doing a ladies - only party . That means we can ooh and ahh over all the baby girl stuff without a guy constantly rolling his eyes at us . YAY ! ! ! I 've started to have some mild nausea again , which is really freaking me out . It hasn 't really been bad enough to require medicating . It 's totally not worth the side - effects of the Zofran ( Constipation City ) . I did take one on Sunday because we had a day planned at the zoo . I didn 't want it to get in my way . I regretted making that choice on Tuesday . I should have prepared by drinking a liter of prune juice . Hindsight . I had my OB appointment yesterday ( I start going every two weeks from here on out ) and my doctor said , " Gain more weight ! " again . I 've gained 11 lbs thus far . I 'm supposed to gain 20 - 25 the entire pregnancy and I still have three months left . I 'm not too worried . I feel like I eat constantly , otherwise I might worry more . I 'm always hungry . Plus , I have a sweet tooth like no other . I eat dessert after lunch AND dinner , which I rarely did before . I don 't go overboard with each meal , but a cookie and a bowl of ice cream added to my daily regimen seems like it should be having more of an effect on my weight . I 'm convinced my lack of severe weight gain is due to the fact that I never sit down . I am constantly moving . I don 't usually lay down until between 9 and 10 at night . I am on my feet all day at work . Then when I get home , I 'm making dinner , doing dishes , or some other form of cleaning around the house . It never ends . Whereas when I was pregnant with Aiden , I came home from a job that was a little more sedentary than this one and I would take a nap . After nap time , we would have a late dinner . During which I would sit for the entire meal . Meals these days require getting up from the table a minimum of three times . There 's always something . My how things have changed . I have been debating about how I am going to handle my maternity leave . Aiden 's daycare is by my work , 15 miles south of our house . Travis ' work is 15 miles north of our house . There is no way he could bring Aiden to daycare in the morning for me . It seems like such a waste to drive to the island twice a day to bring Aiden to daycare , then go back home with Mila . Not to mention the whole I - can 't - drive - for - 2 - weeks - after - having - the - baby thing . After a three - day weekend of being exhausted from this pregnancy and having Aiden at home with me , I came to this conclusion : I am going to keep Aiden at home with me for the first two weeks while I can 't drive . We will get 50 % off per week at the daycare , so that will help us out financially . Plus , that 's when I expect the most family to be in town to help with him . Then starting that third week , I will bring him to daycare 3 - 4 days per week . I don 't plan to have him there as long as he is during a normal work week . Unless that 's how it works out with Mila 's schedule , I suppose . I also don 't want Aiden to become unaccustomed to his daycare schedule . It helps him to get there and play with his friends , run and play . We 'll see . It 's going to be rough , that 's for sure . * * * * * * * * * * * * * UPDATE * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I know I 've mentioned it before : Aiden has been waking up really early lately . I 'm going to make an effort to get him back in bed this weekend instead of letting him stay up the first time he comes into our room . It 's worth a try . Saturday , he woke up at 5 : 30 and laid in bed with us for an hour before Travis made him go back to his room . He was wide awake , so he did lots of tossing and turning and talking . Then he came out of his room again a little after 7 . We let him lay in our bed and watch cartoons until 8 . I was wide awake by that point . I just wasn 't ready to get up and move yet . My grumbling tummy and Aiden 's antsiness forced me out . We ate breakfast and I got ready . Travis got up later and went straight out to the garage to do some work . Then he headed out to buy new boots for work . He got back at lunch time and ate with us . Then I hopped in the car to go grocery shopping while Aiden took his nap . I was exhausted . I haven 't been sleeping well lately and I 've been getting up early every single day with Aiden . The thought of trudging through a grocery store was highly unappealing . I was on the verge of tears the whole time . Pregnancy hormones . When I was in the check out lane , I heard the bag boy ask the woman in front of me if she needed help out to her car . I decided right there that I would be taking him up on his offer . He was such a nice kid and I was so appreciative of his help . It actually cheered me up a bit and gave me the energy to get home . I 'm sure the Snickers bar I downed helped a little . When I was about half a mile from my exit , I noticed a cop had pulled someone over on the side of the Interstate . There were tons of cops out for Mardi Gras weekend , so it wasn 't an unusual sight . I pulled into the middle lane to give them some space . As I was passing , I realized there was another cop car sitting in front of the pulled over vehicle without its lights on . I wondered what he was doing when he started to drive . I sped up so I could get in front of him and pull back into the right lane to get off at my exit . As I pulled into the exit lane , I looked in my rear view mirror and saw he had his lights on right behind me . I wasn 't sure if the lights were meant for me , or if he was taking off to get someone else so I just got off at my exit . He followed me . I pulled over on the feeder , but he used his loud speaker to tell me to pull into the gas station so we 'd be off the road . I was wondering what he had pulled me over for because he started pulling onto the road BEFORE I 'd passed him and I know I wasn 't speeding . My car is new , but I started to wonder if I had a light out somewhere . The male cop walked up to my open window and I asked him what was wrong . Turns out , he was angry at me for getting in his way when he was preparing to pull someone else over . He said , " If you see an emergency vehicle with his lights on , you are supposed to get out of the way . " " I know ! I 'm so sorry ! I got over into the middle lane when I saw you guys there , but pulled back into the right lane after I passed you . I didn 't even see your lights until they were in my rear view mirror . I 'm so sorry ! " I handed everything over . As I was leaning over to get my insurance out of the glove box I realized there was another cop standing at my window watching everything I did . I 'm sure it was to make sure I didn 't whip a pistol out of that glove box . Startled me , nonetheless . One time in college I got pulled over and found out my license was suspended . I had no idea . So even though there is no reason I can think of that I would have a warrant for , you never know . They walked back to the cruiser to run my license . In the meantime , I started crying . Couldn 't stop . I was trying to get it to stop when the passenger cop got out of the vehicle to come up to my window . I don 't know why I was crying . If I got a ticket , it 's not the end of the world . Problem with me being pregnant , is that once I start crying , I can 't stop . It 's rather annoying . This other cop walks up to my window and explains they are just giving me a warning . Then he notices I 'm crying . His speech picks up speed a little and he says again that it 's just a warning , there will be no fines , it won 't go on my record , etc , etc . I still couldn 't stop . And I can 't talk without sounding like a blubbering fool , but I had to speak . All I could spit out was that " I 'm pregnant " . Ha . Poor guy . I 'm sure I thoroughly freaked him out . I only felt bad for him because he wasn 't the a - hole that angrily pulled me over for something that wasn 't obvious to me . I couldn 't stop crying before I got home . By this point I was only a few blocks from my house . I was annoyed to see my dad and Travis sitting out on the patio . If I hadn 't been balling my eyes out , I would have appreciated their quick help . But seeing as I was red - eyed and embarassed , I wasn 't in the mood to talk just yet . I sat in the car trying to calm down . Travis came up and freaked out , wondering what was wrong with me . ( Recall my inability to speak while crying ? ) He thought I 'd been in an accident or something . Then when I said I got pulled over , he assumed I got a ticket . He told me it was okay , we 'd be fine . I told him I just got a warning . He and my dad chuckled with each other at that point . Travis knows how I am about crying during pregnancy , so he left me to recoop in the driver 's seat while they brought the groceries in the house . I finally stopped the steady flow and walked inside . I started tearing up frequently while explaining to them exactly what happened . It 's all so silly . I can 't wait for these hormones to leave me alone . It 's so inconvenient . Aiden went pretty much an entire day without any accidents yesterday ! We haven 't begun working on diaperless nap and bed times . Frankly , I don 't even know where to begin with that . But ! For the rest of the day , he did great ! I was particularly impressed because he had the added distraction of Gpa to overcome . Sometimes when he gets distracted by life , he forgets to use the potty . Apparently he 's getting better at that ! He went pee right before bed last night , but I guess he didn 't finish . He came out of his room about 5 minutes after we turned out the lights saying he was pee - pee . Meaning he 'd gone in his diaper . We had to explain to him that if he needed to go potty during bedtime , he could get up to go . We 'll have to work on that one . I am ECSTATIC that we have about three months to go without purchasing lots of diapers . That ALSO means when Mila comes , we won 't be buying diapers for two . PHEW . Now if only I could get a raise , we might actually be able to afford this baby ! Gpa is here ! He got in at 1 : 15 this morning . Travis went out to greet him and Callaway and to help him carry in bags . We sat and talked until 2 so he could take it down a few notches before heading to bed . As tired as I always am after a long drive like that , it 's amazing how difficult it is to immediately fall asleep . I usually feel buzzed and a little like a zombie . I have to relearn how to talk and walk . Plus I 'm usually visiting family so I get excited to see them . While we were chatting , I ate a chocolate chip pumpkin cookie . I woke up hungry . Insanity . I guess I was so excited to see my dad that I had trouble falling asleep at 2 . Needless to say , I 'm a little tired today . I would have liked to meet him for lunch , but I was too busy around lunch time today . Instead , he is going to meet us at Aiden 's daycare so we can pick him up together . Then we 'll go home for dinner . I bought the ingredients to make grouper , rice and corn on the cob . I think that might be a strange combination , but I can 't really tell . I was just excited about the corn on the cob . I 'm also interested to see if Aiden likes it . Seeing Callaway was so funny . He has lost a lot of weight since we had him last . I think it 's because he gets way more exercise with my dad . When we had Callaway , he sat at home alone for the majority of the day , then laid at our feet for the evening . With that lack of exercise , he was still at normal weight . Once my dad got him , he started bringing him to job sites every day AND taking him for a walk every night . Callaway has lots of energy , so he has easily kept up . We are making an appointment for him to see our vet here again . Hopefully the vet is not concerned . I had a small reminder of what life with Callaway was like . The moment my alarm went off this morning , he was in the bedroom pacing next to the bed . I suppose that 's a good thing , because then I don 't fall back asleep after I hit snooze . Then he followed me everywhere . I almost forgot he would need to be let out first thing , but he sat by the door and made me remember . I had to stand outside with him because we still have not put the gate up we bought last September and I don 't know what Callaway would do now that he has become accustomed to spending a good portion of the day on a leash . He did fine . The only reason Callaway ever ran away in the past was because he was being harassed by a pellet gun two doors down . Of course we haven 't seen from the Creeper with a Pellet Gun since Callaway left , which leads me to wonder if he was purposely harassing our dog . I hope everyone had a good day of love . Or as the radio DJ called it , Singles Awareness Day . Mine was a little more stressful than I would have liked , but there 's nothing I can complain about . I had enough time at work to take a coffee break ( I actually got decaf ) . When I picked Aiden up from daycare , he had a Valentine 's goodie bag . We sat in the car and went through all his fun stuff . His favorite " candy " was the Valentine 's fruit snacks , shaped like hearts , and his favorite card was from his best friend with Captain America on the front . When we got home , I spoiled Aiden and let him watch TV until dinner was ready . I knew it would be later than normal and I didn 't want him to badger me constantly . He watched an hour and a half of Kung Fu Panda , which has quickly become his new favorite show . The last couple minutes are usually the beginning of Spongebob Squarepants and he has started to show interest in that series . I set it to record a few shows last night , so it looks like Spongebob may be in my near future . I 'm so not looking forward to that . I feel like that character has the most grating laugh EVER . Yaaaayyyy . Travis came home with a dozen white roses mixed with lilies and chocolate covered strawberries for me and a Transformer for Aiden . I got Travis a heart - shaped box of Reese 's chocolates and two cards - one from Aiden and one from me . We cooked dinner together while Aiden sat glued to the TV . I made a baked potato casserole that I just found the recipe for . Potatoes have been simply amazing since I 've been pregnant , so I thought it was delicious . Travis cooked fillet Mignon under the broiler since he didn 't feel like messing with the grill . We also had a side of asparagus and Caesar salad . Aiden only ate steak and salad . He flat out refused to try the potatoes . Such a weird kid . What kid doesn 't like potatoes ? ! Well , unless it 's the fried kind , of course . I seriously despise this computer - can 't get the photo upright . I was stuffed by the time we got done eating . For dessert , even though it was really late , we gave Aiden a cupcake . Actually , I only gave him half because I was concerned he would have trouble falling asleep . We didn 't get him to bed until 9 pm . Needless to say , this morning was a little rough . But we had a good time gorging ourselves on delicious food . Teasing Daddy with his icing . After Aiden was in bed ( we let him go to sleep with his new Transformer ) , Travis and I ate a little desse t . I bought turtle brownies with ice cre m . I had a serving and a strawberry , but Travis didn 't have room for all th t . He found room for a strawberry and a Reese s . My sweet tooth this pregnancy is OUT OF CONTR L . All I want is sug r . I can 't get enough cooki s . I go through an insane amount of Monster Trail Mix from Targ t . It comes with chocolate in it , but I add MORE dark chocolate chips because it 's not enough for e . I constantly crave sweet coffee , so I 've started drinking some decaf so I can have more than one cup a d y . The coffee is not so good for my constant Braxton - Hicks contractio s . It 's a diuretic , plus drinking coffee means I 'm not drinking water in it 's pla e . I can 't wait for a contraction - less d y . Travis asked if I thought that was possib e . I said , " Yes , when I 'm done being pregnan . " Even then it will be a while because there 's that week after you have the baby where the uterus contracts back to normal si e . Plus , I 'm thinking about getting Mirena after I have Mila which is known to cause serious crampi g . Sorry if that 's too much information for some of y I 'm sure it 's probably a combination of things , but I can tell this pregnancy is really draining me . I have little desire to get on here regular and word - vomit my thoughts like I usually do . I know there are other factors , like being busy at work and taking care of Aiden at the end of the day ( which I did not have last pregnancy ) . I guess it all adds up . In addition to blogging , I 've also failed on the photo front . I bring my camera along to events with the intention of snapping some shots , but then never get it out . This weekend was the start of Mardi Gras . Travis and I celebrated with his old boss in Galveston . They have a large family that sort of took us in when Travis started working for them . I really like all those people . They are so friendly and absolutely great with Aiden . Part of the appeal to being with them is there 's usually someone else playing with Aiden , even if there aren 't other kids around . We headed down to the island at 10 in the morning so we could hang out a bit before the noon parade . We brought some sides and enjoyed all the grilled food . Actually , now that I think about it , I didn 't eat any of the grilled food . HA ! One of the girls made some fabulous gumbo ( chicken , sausage AND shrimp ) from scratch and Travis ' ex - boss made chili . Ugh , it was awesome . Aiden partook in a hot dog or two . The parade itself was really fun . I felt like I spent more time protecting Aiden from flying objects than I did catching them , but it was still enjoyable . The worse part of the day was how cold it was . When I woke up Saturday it was 39 degrees at our house . It was in the 40 's by the time the parade started , but coupled with the wind off the Gulf that is SUPER cold for us ( we were right on the Seawall ) . I think I was more exhausted by all the shivering I did . Bead man Aiden got tons of beads and hung out with a girl that he used to go to daycare wi h . She is such a cut e . I don 't think they recognized each other thou h . After the parade we ate lunch and then left for Ariel s . I didn 't get Aiden down for his nap until 3 pm , which is really late for h m . He was out immediate y . I thought about taking a nap myself , but ended up resting on the couch and chatting with Ariel the entire ti e . It was the least I could do after she gave me a pint of cookie dough ice cre m . Amazing stuff , ice cre m . The down side to hanging out with lots of people who love Aiden are all the opportunities to eat chocolate and various goodi s . Aiden spent a good portion of the afternoon complaining about his tummy hurti g . I force - fed him some rice and crackers , hoping it would help placate his bel y . Thankfully there was no diarrhea or vomiti g . Travis ' old boss and Ai After the evening parade , my co - worker and her boyfriend came over and sat with us by the fire . Travis had met them already a couple weeks ago when we went out for dinner togeth r . That was a funny night because we ended up runing into our boss and his wife ( also our co - worker ) at the same restaura t . a . All in all , we had a good ti e . Aiden and I were exhausted by the end of the night and Travis had perhaps one drink too ma y . Thankfully we had zero plans for Sunday , so that turned into a recovery d This is blog post # 1078 . I 've had this blog running since January 17 , 2008 . It 's crazy to think how much has changed in the past four years . Hurricane Ike , had a son , got rid of a dog and a cat , now brewing a daughter . INSANE . Speaking of brewing , tomorrow I will have 100 days left until my due date . Woh . And we haven 't done a single thing to prepare for this baby ! Not that there is much to do , since we still have everything from when Aiden was a newborn . It just feels like I should do something . It would help if we had more money . Hmmm . . . A received a coupon via email for Shutterfly and decided to get photo mugs for Travis and I . I got Travis a World 's Greatest Dad mug . It has a bunch of pictures of the two of them together on it . For mine , I had three photos put on the mug : One of Aiden from the hospital , one when he was 1 and one when he had just turned 2 . I spent a good hour putting those together and then realized that I 'm going to have to do this again in a year so that we have stuff with Mila on them . I looked at our photo wall and realized I need to make time to get family photos done when she 's a month old and again later . I 've heard lots of people complain about how the second child in the family didn 't get as much documentation as the first child did . I always felt bad for them and made a sort of promise to myself to not short - change the second ( or possibly third ) child . Problem is , now that I 'm here I can see how things like this can easily fall through the cracks . When I was pregnant with Aiden , I had all the free time in the world to dawdle over the pregnancy . This time , I feel like it is flying by so fast . I have been making an effort to record details about this pregnancy , but not near as much as I did with Aiden . I have a feeling this will only become more so when we HAVE Mila . That won 't stop me from trying though . After spending an hour or two looking through photos of Aiden when he was first born I went to bed and had my first dream about Mila ! I dreamt that my mom was so excited to have her that she took her to my aunt 's house to show her off for the night . At the end of the night , Travis and I came to pick her up . My mom brought her out to our car . I was sitting in the back seat . I rolled the window down and my mom handed me the Mila bundle through the window . Then Travis drove off with me holding her . I looked down and she looked exactly like Aiden did . It was a very serene dream . I forgot how vivid dreams can be during pregnancy . So much so that I am able to remember them for days or weeks even . Thankfully none have been nigWe got our mugs in the mail at the end of last week . I had originally planned on bringing my mug to work . I could show off pictures of my kid and ensure that no one would walk off with it . It 's hard to explain why someone else would have a picture of my son in his PJ 's riding his horse - on - a - stick . But then the thought of losing the mug or breaking it at work freaked me out . I think I 'm going to keep at home for a little while . This way I can make sure to enjoy the mug for a bit before risking losing it . I used to think people who had pictures of their family on stuff were weird . Now I 'm one of those weirdos . Monday night I was rinsing off the dishes from dinner and the sink backed up . I was worried I had put too much in the disposal . Sadly , there was no clog in the pea - trap under the sink . Travis closed it back up and we gave Draino a try . The water drained away , but when we started running water again it filled back up . Travis tried Draino a second time , just for good measure . Same results . He called our neighbor - friend and asked to borrow his 6 - foot plumbing snake . He was able to get most of the reel out without finding a clog . He hit a barrier , but it turned out to be a 90 - degree turn in the pipe . While Travis was down there taking a look at what the plumbing does , he noticed a large puddle centered under the house . He asked me to run the kitchen sink while he sat near the puddle . Sure enough , water started spewing out of a pipe that was not capped off . Travis said it is always really wet in that spot whenever he goes down there . He 's rewired 90 % of the house thus far , which requires crawling under the house . Suddenly we were wondering if that pipe has been open and spitting out grey water for the entire length of time we 've owned the house . The pipe looks like it used to drain something from the bathroom . Since everything functions nicely in the rest of the house , Travis determined that it was a pipe that should have been removed whenever the previous owners replumbed the house . Instead , they left it open - ended , letting water drain out when the pipe backs up . Since there is not a plethera of chopped up food from the disposal rotting under the house , we know that some of the water IS making it out the main pipe . The next day , Travis stopped and bought a clean - out valve and a diamond - tipped saw blade . When he got home , he cut that extra pipe off where it meets the main drain . He then proceeded to put the snake in from there . He was unable to find a clog there either . But at one point , he yelled for me to bring him a wire . He saw something red and solid floating in the pipe and needed something smaller to fish out the round chunk . By the time I was able to find the wire and bring it down to him , the chunk had already drained away and disappeared . Travis had me run every single sink and tub in the house and everything ran smoothly , including the kitchen sink . We thought the fiasco was over , but we were wrong . Last night , the kitchen sink clogged again . Travis tried Draino again . Five minutes later , the water all drained from the sink . We tried running the water and it didn 't clog again . We 're thinking that chunk is getting stuck in the line periodically . I don 't know what the best thing to do would be aside from getting a plumber . But plumbers cost money and we don 't have that . Last night Travis tried a new drain opener ( potassium hydroxide ) . Problem is the clog comes and goes so there 's no way to know if it worked unless the clog come back . No clog yet , so we 'll see ! Sunday night after Aiden went to Chuck E Cheese was a little rough . He woke up at 1 : 30 vomiting . I woke when I heard him crying and heard the ( unfortunately ) familiar sound of wretching . I ran in as quickly as I could . There was vomit all over his pillow and Mr . Lion . Travis eventually woke up while I was holding the trash can in case there was more to come . He eventually stopped spitting and we began clean up . The last time he was sick we threw away two pillows . I didn 't know what to do with them . I was sure they 'd be ruined in a wash so I didn 't even mess with it . After that , I had several people tell me you can wash your pillows in the washing machine . I don 't know what would happen with feather pillows , but since these were just stuffing I gave it a try . It came out perfectly ! Perhaps a little more fluffy even . We weren 't able to do this wash immediately , so we just grabbed another pillow and put new sheets on the bed . Another thing I learned from last time : place a towel in the spray zone to expedite clean up . It may not contain the liquid , but it gets the chunks ( sorry to those with a sensitive stomach ) . So ! Thirty minutes later when the next wave hit , clean up was much quicker . He also seems to be grasping the concept of puking in the trash can . YAY . Thankfully , the rest of the night went without further adventures . I assumed Aiden had too much excitement to contain and had to release some of the pressure during the night . It 's happened before . He throws up dinner in the middle of the night and that 's the last of the illness . So the next morning we got ready for work and daycare like normal . Well , mostly normal . I was exhausted from getting to bed at 10 : 30 , waking up when Travis got home at 11 : 30 , waking up to take care of Aiden at 1 : 30 and again at 2 : 00 . We were in the car and had just hit the island when Aiden started saying he needed to go potty . I told him we would be to daycare soon . A moment later he had gone pasty white and was gagging / coughing . I started having flashbacks to That One Time When Aiden Showered the Back Seat of My Car . I pulled over as fast as I could and pulled him out to the grass . Thankfully he hadn 't eaten or drank anything yet that morning ( which should have been a sign of what was to come ) , so it was just a little bile spit up . After he 'd had a moment to recover , I brought him to Ariel 's . He threw up bile again when we first walked in . During the chaos , I had a sudden urge to do a # 2 and used their downstairs bathroom . The door was locked , which was a little strange . I found the keys , unlocked the door and did my business . OF COURSE it turned out the toilet was out of commission . When I tried to flush , nothing happened . I went up to knock on Ariel 's bedroom door . " Ariel ? Sorry to wake you , but I have some problems . Can you help me ? " PHEW . I run downstairs and do as she recommends . I was mortified to find I had clogged their toilet . Ugh . I walk out sheepishly , thankful it 's Ariel who got up and not Robert , " Do you have a plunger ? Sorry . " " Actually no . I have no idea where it went . " GREAT . I promised her I would take care of it , but it has to wait until I get back from work . " Do you mind if my deuce hangs out while I run into work ? Sorry to drop off a vomiting toddler and a clogged toilet first thing on a Monday morning . " She watched him while I ran into work to take care of a few pertinent items . After work I stopped at CVS to buy a plunger . I decided on my walk into the store that this purchase was more embarassing to me than getting condoms or tampons . I couldn 't find the plungers anywhere and decided to brave asking for help . The only person I could find was the cashier . I asked if she knew where plungers were . Nope . No plungers there either . I felt like personally walking up to every customer and the store and explaining that I was the one with a toilet clogged with poo at home . Me ! It was me ! In case you weren 't sure after all this yelling about PLUNGERS ! ! Thank goodness the Dollar General down the street had some . Of course that cashier wanted to have a conversation about how cool it was that it came in a combo pack with a scrub brush , maybe she should grab one too ? Plunger and frozen pizzas in hand , I returned . Ariel mentioned she didn 't have anything to eat for lunch and it was the least I could do . When I got back to Ariel 's , they said he had eaten some dry cereal and hadn 't thrown up at all . Figures . Although I was happy he had stopped . I took care of my mess and left with Aiden , hoping Ariel and Robert didn 't learn to dread my surprise visits . Aiden was lethargic for the majority of the day , but he didn 't throw up anymore . We had chicken noodle soup ( in the shape of Cars ) , he took a long nap and then we watched TV for the remainder of the day . It was nice to rest a little , although I was unable to take a nap . My body seems confused on how it needs sleep . The saga of our crazy days continues tomorrow . . . hopefully . . . if I have time to write again . . . This past weekend we babysat Blair and Skylar . Alexa was out of town for a funeral and Chris got called out on a last - minute flight ( he 's a pilot ) . We went up Saturday afternoon , stayed the night , then spent Sunday there . Thankfully , all the kids went down for bedtime easily Saturday night . Aiden was a little scared sleeping in the guest bedroom by himself , so Travis and I laid with him for about 15 minutes . After that , he basically kicked us out of the bed . He has never been able to sleep in the same bed with us . Once he was comfortable in that dark room , he was done with us . Travis and I left and he must have fallen asleep nicely on his own . Aiden woke up at 1 : 30 in the morning thinking it was time to get up . I got him to go back to bed and he didn 't get up again until 6 . That 's still earlier than I would like . He 's gotten in the habit of waking up before the sun is up . It 's terribly annoying . We let him lay in bed with us until 6 : 45 when the Ramby 's woke up . We went downstairs and ate breakfast . Afterwards , Blair pointed out that the hamster was missing from her cage . GREAT . Our friends ask us for a favor and we lose their pet . Alexa has told me about the hamster 's escapades in the past , so I knew the best way to catch her : set the cage on the ground and let her come home when she 's ready . Unfortunately , the hamster wouldn 't come out while the kids were running around . We had no idea where she was at . That morning we walked to the playground near their house . We weren 't there for very long before we realized we needed to get back home for Skylar 's nap time . The boys went down right before Skylar woke up , so we got a good taste of what life with two kids is like . HA . We had made previous plans for Aiden to go hang out with Ariel and Robert that afternoon . It was the first time they had offered to take him out somewhere . They babysit him from time to time , but it 's always at their house . They didn 't decided what they were going to do until they were picking him up . Since they were running late , they decided to take him to Chuck E Cheese where they could play AND get dinner . It was his first time there and I think he had a great time . They said he was really skittish about partaking in the fun at first , but after a while he warmed up to the idea . They sent tons of photos and videos . Alexa is talking about having Blair 's birthday party there this year . If that 's the case , it will be so much fun to be the ones to take Aiden next time . We have seen several commercials for Chuck E Cheese since then and Aiden recognizes it . He still plays with the toy frogs and Chuck E Cheese whistle he bought with his winning tickets and he put a bunch of Chuck stickers on his potty . I 'm so glad he got to spend the evening with his Auntie Ariel and Uncle Robert . I cleaned the house while Aiden was away . Travis stayed with the Ramby kids until Chris got home around 10 : 30 that night . We got lucky and the hamster was found asleep in her bed soon after the kids went down for the night . The full schedule doesn 't stop there , but I 'll save the rest for later . For now , I 'm off to bed ( I actually wrote this post last night ) . . . Zzzzzzz . . . . I grew up in central Illinois , but moved south of Houston , Texas in 2002 . I live with my husband Travis , son Aiden and daughter Mila in our first home . Most of our time is spent doing things as a family and I love it ! I also live with two cats and some fish . I work as a safety specialist at a research hospital and hope to make it my career . Feel free to leave a comment and let me know you stopped by .
|
He was right . Below them , on the other side of the mountain was a valley with a large lake , the water sparkling in the sun . There was a small shoreline on the side nearest the mountain , and on the far side of the lake were more trees . On the left the lake wound out of view around the mountains , and on the right it appeared to enter the mountains through an underground cave . They looked at each other and came to agreement . Dante sneaked a peek at Addis who hadn 't said a word . He was looking down at the valley with a troubled expression , but didn 't argue . Dante was disappointed that they had come this far and no one had been there to meet them when they reached the summit . What if they never found the Khee ? They hadn 't seen any more portals , so she wasn 't sure what they would do once they reached the lake . Going down the mountain was much faster than going up , and by late afternoon they had reach the near edge of the lake . As they stood there , Addis reached into his bag and pulled out folding chairs . The group sat , wondering what to do next . Dante couldn 't sit still , so she got up and wandered down the shore of the lake a little . " Don 't go too far , " Greff called after her . " We don 't know if we 're alone here . And if we 're not , the inhabitants could be dangerous . " She had turned to smile at what she thought was Greff 's overly cautious attitude when she suddenly heard whoops of laughter , and was instantly surrounded by a pack of creatures laughing and shoving , and moving so quickly they all seemed like a blur . When they finally stopped Dante could see they were four lizard - like creatures , with long muscular limbs and big eyes full of laughter . Despite their sudden appearance they certainly didn 't seem dangerous . In fact , their laughter was so infectious , she found herself smiling . " We are the Wumpus , " the tallest one said with a deep , mocking bow , " at your service . My name is Pirrin . And who might you be ? " " I 'm Dante , " she answered , and for some unexplained reason they all burst into hysterical laughter . She found herself laughing with them . Greff stepped up next to Dante and faced Pirrin . He grabbed her wrist with one hand and flung his other arm in the direction of the lake ; she was suddenly looking at solid ice . She gasped , but before she could ask a question she found herself being pulled across the ice at a furious pace . As she tried to keep her feet under her she could see the other Wumpus were " skating " with them , their legs gliding over the ice , their feet never leaving the surface . She could hear some shouts coming from the bank behind her and felt her hand beginning to slip - or was Pirrin letting go of her ? She was suddenly scared of crashing into something at the speed they were going and shouted , " I can 't hold on much longer ! " Dante looked around ; she was now in the middle of the lake by herself . Trying to steady her breath , she began swimming back toward the shore . The water pulled at her legs , which were already tired from the walk down the mountain . She rolled to float on her back , and then began to backstroke . She knew it would be getting dark soon , and tried to keep down the panic that was starting to rise in her chest . She realized she wasn 't going to make it , and began to sink . Just before the water closed over her head she felt herself falling , and landed on the dry ground with a thump . Winded , she sat up . She was surrounded by a thick fog , just like the fog in the Brox hollow , and could hear the laughter of the Wumpus all around her . She got up and began walking in a straight line . She bumped into one of the Wumpus , who quickly spun away from her . " Take me back to my friends , " she said . " No , " Dante said . " You 've pulled me across the ice , nearly drowned me , and then knocked the wind out of me . I 'm not having fun . " " Well , we must change that at once . " Dante was suddenly swung up off her feet moving at a fast pace . She could feel the movement of the Wumpus as it ran , carrying her . The others were running along shouting . They reached the shore and they were instantly out of the fog , the lake sparkling behind them . Pirrin dumped Dante on the shore next to Addis . Dante didn 't say anything , but went to stand next to Ori , who put his arm around her . Seeya darted over to where Pirrin was standing . Dante noticed he stayed just out of the Wumpus ' reach . The Wumpus all smiled . " It 's nothing , " they chorused , laughing . Dante found she couldn 't stay mad at them - they all seemed to be having so much fun , and they seemed to want her to be having fun with them . She ran to join the circle , and danced with the Wumpus around Greff . They moved on to Addis , laughing at his cross look under his umbrella , and at Seeya trying to hover next to him so his hair wouldn 't get wet . Addis had his bag firmly in one hand , and held the umbrella in the other . His wouldn 't look at any of them , and as Dante watched him studying the ground , she suddenly didn 't think it was quite so funny . She could see the shocked expression on Ori 's face , and the disapproving glare of Greff . She stopped and turned to Pirrin . " Well , all right , if you say so . " The Wumpus stopped dancing , and the rain stopped . Before them the lake sparkled in the sunlight . Dante stood with her hair dripping , looking at Addis . He very stiffly folded his umbrella , and placed it back in his bag . Seeya looked up cautiously , and Greff moved over to stand next to Ori , looking over Addis ' left shoulder . Looking at her friends , the group who had picked her to be their leader , Dante felt ashamed of herself . " I 'm sorry guys , " she said , " I was just having so much fun . They really do make me laugh . Can 't we just stay one night ? " Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on March 28 , 2016Categories endolye , UncategorizedTags children 's story , creative writing , endolye , fantasy , fiction , girls , young adultLeave a comment on Endolye Chapter 9 : Over their Heads Endolye Chapter 8 : The First Step When they got on the other side of the portal , they looked around in wonder . They were in a lush , green valley , and a stream ran close by them on their left . In the distance in front of them , they could see the beginning of a line of trees . And far above the trees were the majestic peaks of the mountains . There was one mountain , slightly to the right , raised higher than the others . The group stood for a minute , unsure what to do . " I don 't know , " Dante said doubtfully . " It seems to me that every time we 've gone through a portal , we walk straight ahead from where we came out . If we went that way , we 'd be going backward . " " Well I suppose we need to find these Khee people , " Seeya responded . " Wasn 't that the whole point of this ? Khee , Lost Council , answers to questions , etc . , etc . " " Well , " Ori said , " that 's fine , except it looks rather far and we don 't know where we 're going to get food and water . I would say that we don 't want to wander far from this stream . We have the basket , and we can use that to gather food but we don 't have a way to carry enough water . " " You 're calling us stupid again ! " Seeya went and hovered in front of Ori 's face . The little Oralian put his hands on his hips and looked the Bastahl in the eye . " If we 're going to do this , we have to do it together . We know that the Council members all head to the mountains , and they 're given instruction by the Khee . So , fine , we should probably head to the mountains . But let 's do it as a team , o . k . ? " It 's a group of people that work together for a common goal , " she said . They just stared at her . She was starting to get impatient with them . " You know Dante , " Ori said slowly , " maybe you should be our leader . You seem to understand this concept of working together , even when we can 't agree on things . I must admit , some of your ideas seem a bit strange , but one way or another we can 't just stand here arguing . " " I agree with that , " Greff said stoutly . " I 'd be willing to agree to what Dante decides . We can be one of these team things , if she thinks we can . " " Listen Addis , " she said , " I know you 've got good instincts , and I 'm going to need to rely on them if we do this . But let 's just try heading for the mountains , o . k . ? If we 're wrong we can come back this way , but I think the best way for all of us to work together is to head in that direction . " " Good ! " She turned to the others and smiled . " We 're heading to the mountains , to that high one on the right , and we 'll follow this stream for as long as possible . " At the Oralian 's puzzled expression she said , " You fly ahead of us and come back and give us a report of what you see . Bring back anything that looks like food , or reports of what you think looks dangerous . Ori , you 'll be Seeya 's main point of contact . You listen to what he tells you , and look at what he brings you . We 'll follow your advice about where we should go when we 're looking for food . " " Oh ! " Dante turned , looking at Addis . He stood behind her , slightly apart from the group . She felt a sudden pang that he was the last one she had chosen for a task , the last one picked for her team . She just wasn 't sure what Addis was best at doing , and it took a moment to think about his contribution . Dante crossed her arms and looked at the group . " Oh really ? " she said . " Ori , you 're right about water - we 're going to need a way to make sure we don 't run out , and we won 't always be right next to this stream . " For a moment she was worried he wasn 't going to cooperate . But he opened his bag , and pulled five canteens out of it . He silently handed one each member of the group . The arrangement worked out well . Seeya would zip back and confer with Ori about what he had seen , and the Bastahl would tell him to look for certain signs of water , food or shelter . A few times he came back with strange looking fruits or berries , and Ori would examine them carefully , smelling and tasting them . If they appeared to be good , he would put them it the basket that Turra had given Greff . When the sun started getting low , Dante asked Seeya to try and find a good place for them to stay the night . They had walked a great distance into the valley , but the trees were at least another day 's walk . Greff told Seeya to see if he could find any rocks , the larger the better . Seeya zipped out of sight , and the group took the chance to rest . Seeya was soon back with reports of an area to their left , not too far , that had a large boulder , and some smaller rocks . The group headed toward that . When they arrived , Greff began digging and moving rocks . He instructed everyone on how to help - even Seeya was able to move a few small rocks and Addis resolutely moved dirt out of the way ; Ori was able to get a small fire going . Dante began putting together a meal out of the food Seeya and Ori had gathered . When the shelter was finished they ate the fruits and berries Dante had prepared . Then they each took turns going to the stream to bathe and drink . When Dante got back , she asked Addis if there were any blankets in his bag . He pulled out five pallets and blankets , and handed them out . As they moved into the shallow shelter Greff created under the boulder , he began to chant . Lying on her blanket watching the fire die down , Dante closed her eyes and thought , this was a great day . In the morning they broke camp and headed toward the line of trees . By the time the sun was high overhead they were inside the woods . They found more berries to eat , and some nuts . Dante found it odd that there were no animals here . She never heard any birds , and none of the others seemed to be familiar with squirrels , raccoon , possums or any of the other animals she asked about . They found a clearing where they could stay for the night , and with Greff 's help were able to construct a shelter . Addis again supplied the pallets and blankets . They decided against a fire , since the trees were close together , so they put their pallets in a circle . Greff had constructed a separate , tiny shelter for Seeya with walls on three sides , and the open side facing away from the others . Seeya had been surprised and grateful . When they woke up the next morning there was some discussion about which way to go . The stream had veered off to the left shortly before they reached the trees , and Dante had insisted they head into the woods . They were still close enough in the morning to get water , but even with the canteens she knew they would need to find another water source soon . She was also worried about finding the way up the side of the mountain , since they had to wind their way between the trees . She would have to rely on Seeya to help them . Mid - way through the day they began climbing , and soon were out of the trees and on the rocky side of the mountain . It was hardest on Dante , and the others often stopped to help her . Addis had pulled a walking stick from his bag , Seeya flew , Ori was able to jump to high outcroppings , and with his four arms Greff was a natural at getting up the rocks . They had gone a short way when Dante needed to rest . Between them they helped pull , push and lift Dante up the side of the mountain . At first she was embarrassed and tried to resist their help , but then she realized she really did need it , and let them help her . They all talked excitedly about seeing the Khee at the top of the mountain , or perhaps finding the Lost Council . They began feeling so optimistic , at one point Seeya said , " We 'll get there and the council members will all be there , and they 'll look wonderful ! " No one knew what to expect . They were about three quarters of the way up when they had to stop for the night . There was an outcropping of rock that led into a small cave in the side of the mountain , and a waterfall close by . It was their best chance for shelter that night and water for the following day . They were settling in , eating the rest of their food , when Addis pulled three pallets and four blankets out of his bag . " That 's odd , " he muttered , reaching in again . He pulled out Dante 's backpack and handed it to her , but nothing else came out . He opened the bag wide and looked in . " Nothing , " he said . He looked up at the others . " There 's nothing in my bag , " he said . They all looked at each other . " Well , that 's o . k . Addis , " Dante said , " we can figure out a way to share . " She didn 't say it , but she was extremely grateful her backpack had still been in there . They started up the mountain again . When they realized they were going to reach the top , they all got very quiet . No one knew what to expect . Seeya was the first to fly over the summit . He didn 't come back and the others pushed on as quickly as they could . Ori jumped from a rock up to the summit and walked out of sight . Addis and Greff continued to help Dante . When they finally reach the top , the mountain had flattened out a bit and there was a plateau that looked over all the mountains and the valleys . Dante walked to the other side of the summit , where Ori and Seeya sat facing them . She looked around at the vista of mountains surrounding them , and then at valleys below . The Non - Council team of five sat and stood silently , looking at each other . There was no sign or sound of anyone , no structures , no caves , no message , nothing . They were completely alone with no sign of the Lost Council or the Khee anywhere . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on March 20 , 2016Categories endolye , UncategorizedTags creative writing , endolye , fantasy , fiction , girls , young adultLeave a comment on Endolye Chapter 8 : The First Step Endolye Chapter 7 : An Illuminating Journey On the other side of the portal they found themselves in a dense jungle . Greff turned and looked behind them at the portal . He took a few tentative steps toward it , but as he neared it , it vanished . He backed up and it appeared again . He sighed and turned to face the others . " Well , " he said considering a minute , " I couldn 't when I tried the first time . " And he walked toward the portal . But just like the others , when he neared it , it vanished . Dante saw Greff 's face fall when he realized there was no going back . Addid opened his bag , took out a pair of sunglasses and a Batik print shirt and put them on . He replaced his sneakers with a pair of sandals that , to Dante , looked suspiciously like Birkenstocks . He put his sneakers in the bag , snapped it shut , and then said , " Right . On we go . " The others didn 't say anything , but just followed Addis . They began to have trouble with the thick growth , and Dante 's backpack began catching on branches and vines , making her trip and stumble . Addis took a machete out of his bag and began cutting a path for them . He stopped and wiped his forehead . They followed the sound through the jungle , and the music began to sound like a multitude of pipes being played , low and soft . It was quite exotic , and between it and the dense jungle , Dante began to relax . She wasn 't sure why , but just like her special place at home this place was making her feel at peace . She was glad the portal had appeared , and hoped that Greff wasn 't feeling too sad . She looked around , and noticed that the sound of the pipes had stopped . They waited a moment and suddenly a dark shape dropped from a tree behind them . Dante gasped and spun around . Then there were several more thuds , as more creatures dropped to the ground around them . Seeya 's wings shot out sideways , and he bolted off through the trees . Greff straightened up as tall as he could and looked at the creature in front of him steadily . " I mean , it looks good on you of course , but , well … " he looked helplessly at the others . Orthia inclined her head and then turned and began walking back to the tree from which she had dropped . When she reached the trunk she gathered her body and leapt up into the branches . The other creatures inclined their heads toward Dante and Addis and then followed . Addis just smiled , and pulled a large ladder out his bag , which he maneuvered through the branches and propped against the tree . He disappeared up the ladder . Seeya , who obviously wasn 't earth - bound simply zipped up the trunk . Greff sighed and motioned to the ladder . They were in a canopy in the upper branches of the tree . There was a large group of Bastahl sitting around on a kind of floor that had been constructed in the treetops , with pipes in their hands , and one of them had a kind of drum . They were all looking up as Dante 's head poked through the leaves , Greff just behind her . Addis was sitting down cross - legged with the group , and Seeya had actually perched on the shoulder of the drummer . Without a word Addis reached into his bag and pulled out what looked like an oboe . Dante sensed she shouldn 't say anything , and for once Seeya was silent , so she just sat and waited . Greff looked around . He wasn 't build for sitting on the ground , but there were no chairs . Silently , Addis reached into his bag and pulled out a rock chair that looked just like the one Greff used in the Hollow . He stared at in wonder , then put it on the floor and sat down . It was starting to get dark in the dwelling . The Bastahl picked up their instruments and began playing . Addis joined them . The sound was a beautiful , haunting melody and Addis ' part rose to melancholy heights . Dante found herself thinking about home , and feeling sad . She wasn 't sure if she would ever get back , and was sure her parents were worried about her . She thought about Greff and Turra saying goodbye , and felt a lump growing in her throat . She didn 't want to start crying so she tried to think of something to distract herself . Addis ' bag was sitting right next to her . She looked around , but the in the dusky light she didn 't think anyone could see her . Surreptitiously she reached into Addis ' bag . She could feel her backpack , but nothing else . She opened the bag a little wider and peered in . Although she couldn 't see much in the gloom she could tell that , with the exception of her backpack , the bag was empty . She pulled out her journal , but it had gotten dark and she couldn 't see well enough to write or draw . As the music continued , Dante noticed a small glow in the leaves . She wasn 't sure what it was , but soon there was another small glow , and another . The small glowing spots began to gather together , and light started shining in on the dwelling . Dante picked up her book and pencil and began writing down everything that had happened . When she was finished she sketched the Bastahl and Addis in the margins . Eventually the music began to wind down , but the glow stayed . When the last Bastahl had stopped playing , Addis brought the music to a close with a lilting coda . Orthia nodded her head slowly , acknowledging Addis ' contribution . They all waited a moment , sitting with their heads bowed in the soft glow . Finally Orthia spoke . " They are Illuminates , " she said , and Dante looked at her , confused . Orthia nodded her head toward the glow all around them . " They are small bugs , and they are attracted to the music . We play , and they come and give us light . " " Wow . " Dante looked around at the glow surrounding them , and wasn 't sure if she liked the idea that she was surrounded by a bunch of bugs . Orthia smiled and turned to Addis . Addis said simply , " I don 't know where I come from , or who I am . I can 't remember . I only know that this , " and he indicated the pendant around his neck , " is important , and signifies that I am important . " Was she saying that Addis ' pendant wasn 't important ? That he wasn 't important ? Or that because he thought the pendant was important he wasn 't paying attention to something else that was more important ? She felt confused , but there seemed to be something in what the Bastahl had said that made sense . The other Bastahl began pulling bugs out of the glow , and the light began to diminish . Dante hadn 't eaten since breakfast and she was hungry . One of the Bastahl handed her an Illuminate and she took it . It was a small glow in her hand . Before she could think about it too much , she popped it into her mouth . It was sweet and slightly crunchy . She looked up and smiled . " I never thought I 'd like a bug . Thank you . " " Thank you , Ori , " Dante nodded to him the way the Bastahl had been nodding . He continued to hand her the bugs , and gave her some kind of drink they called tree wine . She noticed that it hadn 't taken Greff long to begin eating the Illuminates , but Seeya seemed a bit uncertain . " Don 't bother , " Addis said . " He 's just gone off so he can stuff his face without anyone seeing . His pockets were glowing when he left . Trust me , he 'll be fine . " And when Dante looked through the trees , she could indeed see a faint glow that winked out , followed by another . It was Seeya eating his Illuminates in solitude . Satisfied that he was o . k . , she ate and drank until she felt quite satisfied . After they had all eaten , Orthia turned to Addis who had been waiting patiently for her to continue . " How did you know that ? " Dante asked , amazed . The Oralians hadn 't even seemed to realize the implications of Dante 's presence , the Brox had merely been concerned about work , but the Bastahl seemed to already know everything . The only thing they didn 't seem to know about was her and Addis . She understood why no one knew anything about her , but she wondered why no one knew anything about Addis . " You are obviously not the Lost Council . I doubt you 're seeking a new Council member from us , or you would have followed the proper protocols and asking ceremony , which you did not . That leads me to conclude that there must be something else happening surrounding the portals , but that somehow the Lost Council must tie into it . " She stood . " Do not worry , Addis , we will reveal everything we know to your group . Now , let us get you all taken care of for the night . " She went to her backpack and pulled out the basket that Turra had given to him . She handed it to Greff but he just looked at it sadly . " I 'm not sure how this will help , " he said . " You 're welcome , " Dante said . She lay down on her pallet , pushing the blanket over so it was next to her . She had so many thoughts racing through her head she didn 't feel sleepy , but before she knew it , she was dreaming of steaming showers and mugs of hot chocolate . In the morning , Dante awoke to find Greff gone , but Addis still sleeping . She didn 't want to disturb anyone , so she went back out to the place they had been the night before , and sat down next to Orthia who was there alone . She smiled at Dante . " A paper and stick ? " Dante was confused . " Oh , you must mean my journal . I was just writing down what happened and making some sketches . " " Why does this upset you ? " Orthia asked , reaching out and taking Dante 's journal for a closer look . She seemed unmoved by Dante 's apparent distress . " Well , " Dante said , " it 's just that they don 't seem to understand that I 'm trying , but that I 'm just not good at those things . It 's just so hard that they 're so mean . " She wiped her eyes and looked at Orthia , who didn 't seem to understand . " But why does it matter what they think ? Why don 't you just show them your words and your sketches ? That would help them to understand who you are . " " No , no it wouldn 't . They 'd probably just laugh . Besides , I can 't show anyone my journal , it 's private . " Orthia didn 't hand back the journal . Instead , she called Ori over to where they were sitting . She showed him the journal and spoke some words Dante couldn 't understand . The two of them exchanged a knowing glance . She realized she sounded petulant and tried to explain again . " You know , " she said , studying her feet , " it 's private , and the drawings aren 't really that good , and , well , I don 't really fit in that well , and I just don 't think anyone . . . . " She looked up and shrugged . " This is a special part of you Dante , " Orthia said , handing back the journal . " You need to be sure and share it . If you keep the special parts of yourself hidden from others , you are doing your world and everyone in it a disservice . Sometimes the things that we think are least important keep us from knowing the things that are most important . " " Of course , there is something special about everyone . They just do not always know it . That is why when you see something special in someone , you should be sure to tell him or her . Come now , " she said , " it 's time for breakfast . " He sighed and sat next to her . " I 'm not sure why I even bother anyway , " he said dejectedly . " No one notices , no one cares how I look or how hard I try to be pleasant . I 'm only trying to spare all of you the sight of ugliness . It 's not like anyone else does the same for me . " He looked at her pointedly . She just smiled at him . " Our brother came back to us , but he was changed . Instead of peace and inner wisdom , he was excitable , emotional . He was given to spontaneous physical contact , and fits of laughter . It was very disruptive . When we asked about our interactions with the other tribes , he simply told us that we didn 't need to worry about them . We knew something had gone wrong , but we didn 't know what . " " The portals had vanished at that point , so we didn 't know how to help him . We also didn 't know how to reach out to the other tribes to see if they had suffered the same fate , or if it had just been the Bastahl . " She looked around . " Since you 're seeking the members of that Council I have to assume that they were all lost . " The visitors all nodded . " The Khee . They are a very old , very mysterious tribe , and no one knows much about them . We believe they live in a mountainous region , and teach the Council members the wisdom they need to keep the tribes functioning . The Khee would know why the portals have vanished , and they would know why we are suffering this steam . " Orthia looked thoughtful . " No , " she said , " we simply have this suffocating steam , which it makes it hard to keep your patience , your temper , your peace of mind . It makes it difficult for us to think clearly . " Orthia smiled . " Yes , we know that the Oralians are very concerned with how things appear , as are the Brox with hard work . There are other tribes as well , the Wumpus , the Roazicans , perhaps more . " " Nothing , " said Orthia . " Just that they are the teachers . Without them , the portals would be useless . Of course now there are no portals . Perhaps the Khee believe that we no longer merit their teachings . " " No , I don 't think that 's it , " Addis said , fingering his pendant . " Maybe they 've just died out . If there 's no more portals , maybe they 're just not around ? " " But the portals are here now , " Dante said . " And somehow I got here . I don 't think there 's ever been portals in my world before . " " But that doesn 't mean anything . We have no idea , really , how many tribes may exist in Endolye . We only interact with those our Council member introduces us to . Like the Oralians . " " Us ? " Seeya asked . " I 'm sorry , but I do think we 'd remember if we 'd met you before . You 're so , well , uh , not to be rude or anything … . " Orthia just smiled . She left the dwelling for a moment , and then came back . In her had she had a small ivory brush , a hair comb , and a hand mirror similar to the one Seeya had given Dante . " Do these look familiar ? " she asked . She carefully brushed her hair , put the comb in it , and looked at herself in the mirror . She smiled at Seeya . Then another thought occurred to her and she turned to Seeya . " The tapestries ! You said you couldn 't remember where they came from , but it was probably the Brox . " " Well , not really , " Orthia said . " The Khee hold the answers . But I believe if you find the Lost Council , you 'll also find the Khee . " The Bastahl all jumped lightly to the ground , Seeya flew , and the other three clambered down Addis ' ladder . They followed Orthia through the thick steam until they reached a small clearing . There , in the middle , was the arch . Orthia turned to them and said , " We wish you luck on your journey . " " Come on , " Addis said , and headed toward the portal . He positioned Seeya in front of it , hovering , took Dante 's hand , and had Dante hold Greff ' hand . He pushed Seeya through , jumped in , and pulled the other two behind him . Addis walked over to where Orthia stood . " One of you has to come with us , " he said . " There 's no point trying to keep us here , that doesn 't make sense . We need one of you to come . " They returned to the portal . Seeya hovering in front , Addis holding Dante 's hand , Dante holding Greff ' hand , and Greff now took Ori 's hand . With a push Seeya went through the portal , followed by Dante , Greff and Ori . As Ori went through he took a quick look back . The Bastahl were already leaving , and didn 't even see it when the portal vanished . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted on March 13 , 2016Categories endolye , UncategorizedTags creative writing , endolye , fantasy , fiction , girls , young adultLeave a comment on Endolye Chapter 7 : An Illuminating Journey Endolye Chapter 6 : Foggy Hollow In the morning , Kell coming into the burrow to tell her breakfast was ready awakened Dante ; Addis and Seeya had already left . Dante sat up , yawned , stretched , and ran her fingers through her hair . She smiled at the young Brox . Kell said , " It 's o . k . , you 've had a long journey and we all know you 're tired . But I don 't know how you can sleep through everyone walking around . The vibrations would wake me right up ! " Dante stood up and said , " Well , I have to admit I 'm hungry , and I 'm glad you 're here because I 'm not sure I could find the way back up by myself . " She grabbed her backpack and followed Kell through the tunnels . When they reached the top they sat together at a large rock table filled with Brox , and began eating as soon as the food was put in front of them . When Dante nodded she was surprised to see the stricken look on Turra 's face . " Oh , it 's o . k . , " Dante assured her , turning to assure all the Brox around her . " I spend lots of time alone . " Dante took her journal out of her backpack and looked at it for a moment . She hesitated , because she usually didn 't show her drawings to anyone . She looked at Kell who was looking at her with an open , friendly interest . She handed her the journal and Kell took it , looking fascinated . She opened it and gasped , and began slowly turning the pages . Kell showed the journal to Turra , whose face softened at the sight of Dante 's sketches . She smiled when she the one of Addis sleeping in his chair . Dante said , " Yes , and I have these words to go with them . " She gently took the journal back from Kell , and showed them some of the entries she 'd written , including what she 'd added the night before . She could tell they weren 't able to read the words , but they seemed to understand that the journal was a record of what she had been thinking . The Brox all began to move , clearing away food and dishes , and getting out the materials to start their weaving . The diggers began to head off , chanting . As they faded into the distance , Dante was sure she heard the melody of ' Sing a Song of Blackbird . ' Just as the strains of the song were dying out , the fog rolled in . Like the day before , it was so thick you couldn 't see anything . Since none of them had left the clearing yet , there was no need to call out the central point . Dante sat down on the ground and put her head in her hands . Turra answered , her voice worried , " They 're not going to be able to do any digging today . But they probably won 't come back just yet . Hopefully this will pass soon . " No sooner had she finished the sentence than the sun came out and the fog lifted . The Brox looked at the sky suspiciously , and then went about their morning routine . There were no further incidents with the fog , and in a short time the children were keeping themselves busy with their games , and everyone else was in the groove of their work . Everyone except Dante , Addis and Seeya . They had wandered over to the far side of the clearing and stood together talking . " No , not a thing . Just more of the same . Dirt , rocks , those odd twisted trees . Really , this place could use some spiffing up , don 't you think ? " Dante sighed . She hated to admit it , but she was getting bored . There wasn 't much to do , she didn 't feel like playing with the Brox children all day , and there was nothing she could do to help the adults . " I 'm going to explore , " she said . Addis and Seeya both looked at her . They knew what she was thinking , what they were all thinking - maybe there was a portal waiting somewhere . But there wasn 't . Not that day and not the next . The days passed in a similar fashion , with the Brox working , then eating , and then some chanting and going to bed . Dante , Seeya and Addis spent the days walking around the Brox countryside , or talking with the children who enjoyed hearing the stories of where they were from . Dante occasionally found herself thinking about home , and hoping her parents wouldn 't be too worried . Behind some boulders sat the arch . Dante was happy to see it , although she had grown fond of the Brox and she would be a bit sad to leave , knowing there was a good chance she would never be back . Seeya was zipping back and forth excitedly , and even Addis seemed to have some extra energy . Greff moved slowly out from the crowd . He hugged Turra , who was crying , and then his children . Dante felt a lump in her throat as they all moved toward the arch . She unzipped her pack and let Greff put the basket inside . He hugged Turra again , and then resolutely grabbed Dante 's hand . Addis turned back toward the portal . " O . k . , here we go , " Addis said , and pushed Seeya through . He followed , pulling Dante who pulled Greff . Greff took one last look at his family as he passed through the portal . He was afraid he would never see them again .
|
Amelia stared at her computer screen , its dim glow illuminating her face as she struggled to find the words that would satisfy her . A cursor blinked lazily on the left side of the page , a beacon of temptation . But not just any words would do , they had to be the right words to convey the story she envisioned in its glaring detail . For her , writing was as necessary as breathing . A pull of something that was constant in the back of her mind , begging her to write an extra word here or there , to make up the lines of a story half - remembered , or long forgotten . She lived to write and dreamed of ideas . Her characters danced pirouettes in her head ; all whispering the sweet nothings of their stories in her mind 's ear . Fear began to well , joining with her need : the beginnings of panic . She had to write . But what to say ? There were so many words ; words that described an item differently to each person who saw it . Words echoed in her head , all evoking a line of thought until she thought she couldn 't handle any more . But still they came . The color of the monitor , the screen within , all yearning to have their words heard . Still , characters swam by her mind 's eye , desperately seeking her attention and more , her approval . Death , like her , wanted perfection . That fundamental need to express the world in a way that all could understand and agree with . Death 's need was for the perfect companion , to share lost nights with , as he paced the earth in search of souls too old for their bodies . She needed the story that told what she felt , the words of her characters as they needed them described . Finally , unable to find what she sought . She turned the monitor off with a harsh motion of her hand . Embittered tears trickle down her cheeks at the face of her failure . " Sire . " A cool voice sounded from outside the glass that Tom was perched near . Tom nodded to his invisible accomplice then turned and glanced back at his people . Father stood in front of the mantle , lecturing Harry / Son , who was staring avidly at the fire in the fireplace . Mother sat in a rocker nearby , but was completely engrossed in her knitting . They would never notice his absence . Tom faked a huge yawn , showing off his long canine teeth , and then leapt from his place on the sofa , before sauntering toward the door . Glancing at the humans , he frowned . Typical . All they cared about were the problems that Harry had gotten into . Harry had tortured a neighbor 's milk cow , by scaring the beast . If it hadn 't been for the fact that the cow won 't give milk , Tom wouldn 't have let the lecture go on so long . Now he figured that Harry probably wouldn 't do it again . He opened his mouth and let a loud yowl erupt , telling his humans that he was ready to go outside for a while . Father glanced at Tom but didn 't stop his tirade over Harry . Mother jumped as if she had been started , then , finally , putting her knitting aside , approached the door and opened it . Tom meowed his thanks , and then strolled into the darkness beyond his home . " That is why you summoned me tonight ? " Tom asked , staring at his personal guard in surprise . " Why didn 't you wake up your humans ? " Catamounts ' tail bristled slightly , and Tom remembered belatedly that Catamounts ' humans had abandoned him in the village when they moved . " Yes , sire . " Catamount replied , clearly ruffled . " The child is different though . " He added by way of explanation , as if he wouldn 't have woken up his humans if they hadn 't abandoned him . Tom knew that Catamount was suspicious and prone to believe old wife 's tales , but he was one of the biggest and strongest cats in the village . Tom had had to put up with Catamount prowling around him since he was a small kitten . His parents were the King and Queen of the village , and when his father died , Tom became King . His mother had always been concerned that Tom would be attacked by frequent feline visitors , and had begged his father to install a bodyguard . The village had many comings and goings in the last human year , families moving from other areas , other old families living for new lands . Tom hadn 't liked the change , which had never happened before . He was uncomfortable with the new humans , getting bad feelings from them , or their animals , which had a cruel look about them . His village was growing and no one had had the decency to consult him about it . He had specifically chosen to live with the Village Elders as soon as he realized his father 's upcoming death , just so that he could keep abreast of the news . " Carry on . " Tom motioned his old friend forward with a slight wave of his paw . Catamount nodded and began to lead Tom through the village . After a few moments , Tom realized that they were heading for the crossroads , an area where wagons and carriages often tore about , sometimes killing the occasional animal . Tom sat on his haunches considering . He didn 't like the fact that Catamount had spoken to Fluff , the local glutton . Frowning he realized that as far as he knew , Fluff hadn 't left his home since Tom was starting to learn to hunt . So how could Catamount have spoken to him ? Especially since Fluff lived on the other side of the Crossroads . " What am I supposed to do with the child ? My humans are on this side of the Crossroads . I haven 't been on the far side in over six human years . " " We thought that it might be best if you saw the child personally . " Catamount stated as if it was obvious . He had continued walking even though Tom had stopped . Glancing around , Tom noticed that he was near the main street of the village ; across the way from him was a bar whose occupants were in the full swing of another of their nightly celebrations . Horses were tethered up to the fences , looking terrified at the thought of their masters returning to claim them . Tom guessed that the carriages were housed in the stable . Tom 's tail twitched as he spotted a mouse , but he sighed . First deal with the child , then he could grab himself a snack before returning to his home . Tom sighed , stood , and trotted after his companion . " Ok . So how far past the Crossroads is the child ? " Tom asked , still not liking the idea of the Crossroads . His uncle and two brothers had been killed at the Crossroads , and he didn 't fancy the thought of himself going the same way . " Don 't think and walk at the same time , you might miss the obvious . " Catamount told him gruffly , stepping off Tom . Two carriages chose that moment to rumble by . Tom was amazed that humans would still be out of bed after dark , but then remembered that the tavern was still open . Sighing he told himself to be more cautious in the future . Suddenly , Catamount charged across the Crossroads , a sleek black streak in the night . At the other side , clearly out of breath he called back , " get ready … Now ! " Tom hesitated staring at an approaching coach . " For the love of Isis , Tom . Move when I tell you . " Catamount shouted at him , when the coach had passed . They waited silently as more carriages , coaches , and horses passed , until there was another break in the traffic , then Catamount called , and Tom launched himself into the road . Half terrified , he ran as if the devil himself was behind him . Out of nowhere came a speeding horse , its hooves striking the ground directly in front of Tom 's heedless charge . Tom froze , even as the beast swept past , and stared at it . A carriage wheel rolled over his tail and he screamed in pain , but the moment he was released he bolted to where Catamount stood . " The child isn 't far from here . " Catamount told Tom , his voice seemed to be deeper than it had been . Tom glanced up at his friend , but Catamount wouldn 't look at him . Sighing , Tom got to his feet . Tom glanced around , not seeing anything . The sound of snuffling reached his ears and he glanced at Catamount . " It 's probably been crying this whole time and is finally falling asleep . " The black cat said , staring around , it kept its gaze from Tom , and Tom was starting to get a creepy feeling , as if something bad was going to happen . He had had the feeling once before . At the time he didn 't know what it meant , but shortly afterwards Harry had come home crying , his arm was broken . He shook his head , disgusted at himself for trying to find things to worry about . If his mother had been with him , she would have told him off for going out after dark , on the far side of the tracks , with or without Catamount . Tom glanced at Catamount , wondering if his friend had heard the tales of the Beast . Knowing Catamount though , Tom admitted , he did know about the stories , and believed them . But then why was Catamount out with Tom on the far side of the Crossroads looking for a human child ? Tom shivered uncomfortably . The snuffling sounds grew louder , until they were almost thunderous . Tom froze realizing something was definitely not right . Catamount didn 't seem to notice Tom , and soon vanished from sight . After a few seconds , the snuffling was silenced . Tom realized belatedly that the forest was still . He knew that there should be sounds emanating from the various creatures of the forest , but he couldn 't hear anything . For a moment , he had the panicky feeling that he had lost his hearing . Suddenly , his skin prickled , and his tail fluffed . Tom knew when his skin prickled that he was in danger . Quickly he started to back the way he had come , but realized just as quickly that he didn 't know which way he had come from . He sensed movement and unintentionally turned to face it . A creature standing almost as tall as a man , but was definitely a cat stood next to him . A yowl caught in Tom 's throat as he stared at the creature . It was huge and black , bigger than any cat he had ever imagined . Its eyes were blood red and stared at him , knowing where he was . Unable to stay under that terrible gaze , Tom bolted . He didn 't know where he was going , nor did he care , all he wanted was to be anywhere than in the forest at that moment . A movement straight in front of him caused him to falter then stumble . How had the Beast gotten in front of him , when it was behind him ? But no , it wasn 't the Beast , it was Catamount . Tom redoubled his efforts and within a few seconds stopped next to Catamount . " You will never believe what I just - . " Catamount turned his gaze on Tom , and to Tom 's horror , his eyes were as red as those of the Beast . Alarmed , Tom bolted the way he had come , but remembering what was waiting him in that direction , he turned , and slammed into a large fluff ball of a cat . Fluff the glutton of a cat was out of his home . Fluff looked at Tom . His voice was cold when he spoke , " What 's wrong , sire ? " He asked , his blood red eyes seeming to peer into Tom 's soul . He jumped backwards and fell off the sofa . His heart thundered in his ears , as he looked around the familiar scene of his home . Mother was still sitting with her knitting needles clutched in her hands , though her eyes were on Tom . Father was still telling off Harry . Tom breathed a sigh of relief knowing that he was safe . I still remember just how she looked , the moment she entered the room . Fat snowflakes dusted her mahogany hair , matching her pale skin and marking a stark contrast with her black eyes . She didn 't see me at first , so I could afford the study of her rosy cheeks and laughing mouth . Her dark red coat had several splotched of packed snow , revealing an intense snow - ball fight which must have occurred right outside the door of the house . Then she looked at me . It was as if I was shot through with electricity . Even my fingers went numb with the intensity . She looked as surprised as I felt . Neither of us seemed to be able to move for a moment . Her blond friend looked back and forth between us several times before shoving Tanya toward me . She was like no one I had ever met before . We spent that whole night talking , laughing , drinking cocoa , and yes , a couple of snow - ball fights were thrown into the mix . I still remember the way her eyes lit up when she smiled , or talked about something she cared deeply for . I can still feel the way her fingertips pressed into my forearm as she told me her dreams with an intensity that made my heart shudder . We exchanged numbers before she left , with the knowledge that she would call the moment she got home . She didn 't . I would like to think that if she could have , she would . Maybe we would have spent hours speaking on the phone , as we had in person . Maybe we would have met up again , over a cup of coffee . We did , after all , live in the same town , only a few blocks away from each other . It was a chance encounter , us both visiting family , and then friends . It was surprising that we had never met before , but no matter . She would never be able to make that call and I would never be able to call her . Colin Sumpterfeld breathed deeply of the fresh , scented mountain air . He 'd always loved the way the Rocky Mountains smelled in the late spring , when the snows had finally receded . He sat upon the stump , looking southeast toward the city . Secretly , he was happy he couldn 't actually see the city , though in the distance , the swath cut through the fir forest for the power lines was visible and he wondered idly how long it would take nature to reclaim the scarred land , if left to its own devices . It would happen if it could happen , Colin knew . Already , signs of the old equipment bunker were overgrown and invisible to anyone who didn 't know where it was . Decades earlier , the army had built the bunker into the side of the mountain , ostensibly to hold emergency supplies in case of a natural disaster , such as the ever present threat of the super volcano many miles to the southwest , erupting . Colin knew where the bunker was , but he didn 't know how far the army had gotten in stocking it . He 'd never been inside and the hatch that led down into the bunker was padlocked . The hatch and warning signs were now overgrown , but Colin didn 't particularly care anyway . He took another deep breath and allowed his eyes to fall to the ground near the stump . He was , after all , here to look for wild mushrooms . That was only an excuse , but it would be nice if he could find a morel or two to take back home with him . " Sorry , " she said cheerfully , giving him a bright smile . She glanced distastefully at the rifle Colin laid back across his lap . " So were you going to shoot me , or is that reserved for defenseless animals ? " The woman blushed and said , " My name isn 't ma ' am , it is Julie . I … um … got turned around somehow . I was hiking with a group from college and we sort of got separated . " " Well , I 've not seen anyone out here , except for defenseless animals , " Colin said , immediately sorry for the needless barb . He sighed , adding , " Maybe you can backtrack to where they were . I 'll come with you if you 'd like . " " I don 't know if that will help . I got separated from them yesterday evening and I 've been looking for them most of last night . I think that I may have made matters worse because none of this looks remotely familiar , " she said , waving an arm to include the whole area . " Come on ! " he yelled , jumping to his feet and running . He noticed that there was no hesitation in Julie as she fell into stride with him , a half pace behind . It impressed him that she followed , though she was clearly bewildered , and also that she was able to match his stride . " Atomics ! " Colin yelled back . As the implication struck her , Julies pace quickened and she passed him though she clearly had no idea where they were going . Me : Welcome to today 's post . I decided to do something rather unique and interview a zombie . Don 't worry folks . The zombie is behind steel bars so there is no threat to your hostess . Anyway , let 's go ahead with the interview . Hello , Mr . Zombie … I 'm sorry , I would rather not call you ' Mr . Zombie ' through the whole interview . Do you have a name ? Me : I have to agree with you , Ug . Today 's politics are a bit tedious . Now , let 's get into some personal details . What is your favorite food ? Me : Ok . Whose idea was this to interview a zombie ? And who came up with these questions ? What is the zombie gonna say anyway ? " Brains " doesn 't seem to be in his vocabulary . Witnesses claim that a huge animal was trying to get into the Smith residence late last night . Father Gregory Smith , pulled out his shotgun and shot the beast several times . According to the witnesses , when the beast fell , it reverted to a more human shape . Police officers on the scene have no comment at this time . Gregory has been retained for questioning . He claims that his remaining child was the object of Williams ' attack . He also claims that Williams must have been a werewolf and vehemently swears he shot a beast , not a man . I spent most of my morning writing a paper , so my brain is bushed . Today , I thought I would give you guys my collection of short stories . I used to write for Helium . com ( I don 't recommend it unless you use it for training your writing abilities ) and now that they switched to their new platform , I have given up writing for them . But anyway , I had a ton of short stories on their site . Since I can 't post them here , I am going to link to them . So here ya go : In 1996 , there were over 400 , 000 house fires across the United States , resulting in more than 3 , 500 deaths , 18 , 000 injuries , and over four billion dollars in damages . That year , my house was among those ranks . I remember the scent of smoke and the dark haze that floated up to the ceiling , but more importantly , I remember the cause of the fire , and the fact that we lost everything but a few animals in it . It was January . There was snow on the ground , arranged in clumps , but it wasn 't especially cold . We lived in a triplex , a house that had three separate living areas sitting side by side . Ours was the center abode and it was the only one that was in livable condition . The apartment on the left was missing the bathroom floor in its entirety . The apartment on the right had several holes in the floor . It wasn 't hard to get into either house if you crawled under the floor . The holes in the right apartment were easily large enough for a thin teen to pop through . My brother , myself , and our friends did so on a regular basis . My room and my parents ' room lay against the divider between our house and the house on the right . The far wall in my parents ' room was the divider between their room and the living room in the right apartment . The fire started there , in the living room of the right apartment , but I was the first to notice it because my parents ' room was several steps lower than mine . We had all gone to bed that night kind of early . I was sitting up reading because it wasn 't that late . The smell was what first attracted my attention . My family goes camping around once a year so I am familiar with what the various scents of smoke are . I knew that the sweet smell was the burning of wood . But it was mixed with other scents . The scent of burning paper and the bitter tang of plastic were also there . Combined , it was wrong . I was out of my room within seconds to see that a faint shadow of smoke curled against the ceiling , creeping into the rest of the house . I burst into my parents ' room , startling them both . " Smoke ! " I shouted at them . My dad was instantly out of bed , pulling on his pants in the same moment . He shoved past me as he started shouting orders . " Get out of the house ! Everyone , get out . Grab the animals ! " His voice sounded as though it came from behind a wall , even though I was only about a foot away . My mom bustled past , not bothering to grab pants to cover bare legs . She only wore her nightgown as she raced through the hall into the kitchen before turning to the back of the house where my brother was . By the time I hit the kitchen , my dad was coming back in the front door . " The fire is next door ! " He shouted , at the same moment , my mom came back into the kitchen . " I can 't wake Pol ! " " Get Chrys out of here ! " My dad told my mom , striding past us to my brother 's room . My mom grabbed my hands and we made for the living room . Once there , I broke her grip and grabbed the bird cage , remembering my father 's words . Only later , I would learn that the birds were already dead . My mom saw what I was doing and threw the front door open wide and started calling the animals . It didn 't help that panic and smoke tore at our throats and nothing more than a few shrill shrieks got past our lips . I did not hear much . Everything sounded muffled as if a blanket covered everything that would make sounds . The sounds that were made , besides being muffled , were distorted . Smoke curled and burned in my throat making my voice sound almost heavy . This had only taken a few seconds , but already the smoke was covering everything , dimming our view . I could see , dimly the door that lead outside and ran through it , calling for my mom . She was already outside , waiting for me along with my dog , who was barking shrilly in fear . I turned back in time to see my father and my brother break through the smoke behind me . Pol was dragging one of the dogs along with him . My dad held his turtle , being the only thing he could find in the blinding smoke . Dad shoved me ahead of him and the three of us burst through the smoke into the chill night air . As the fire - trucks pulled up , a cat shot out of the house and tore into the bushes that lined our yard . It was the only cat who survived . I remember standing there holding the bird cage and staring at the house as the fire began to lick my parents ' bedroom windows . I could feel the cold air around me , but I wasn 't cold . I knew I should have felt some kind of chill , some kind of emotion for that matter . But there was nothing . I was empty staring at the black smoke billowing out of the house from windows and eaves . The door we had emerged from had becoming a billowing cesspit of acrid smoke . The fire - trucks ' red lights would light the smoke in an ominous flash before letting it return to its dull black color the next second . To me , the smoke was obvious against the dark sky , but maybe that is just how I felt . Several firemen came to pull us away from the fire , leading us through the gate , into the road . I could feel the icy chill of pavement against my bare feet , but it didn 't seem important . My throat and lungs burned , but the pain also wasn 't important . We watched as the firemen battled the fire , trying to save what they could . In the end , almost everything was gone . Out of all the animals we had , we lost three cats , the birds that I carried in the cage , and a dog . Two days later , we were allowed to go back to the house to see if we could find anything . My brother and I skipped school to do so . I remember clutching the flashlight that I had been given as its beam of light swept over the charred remains of my bedroom . The smell was muted because of the cold and I didn 't smell the damage as I should have . The only sound that followed me into the bitter blackness of my room was the crunching of my shoes on the burned remains of my material world . I remember moving some stuff from a corner and seeing a glowing coal . It still lived after two days of cold weather and being drenched by a fireman 's hose . Outside my room , I heard someone talking to my dad . Now I know it was a fire marshal , but at the time , I just heard voices . I heard the word arson , which , I learned when I went home , meant someone had started the fire , and later I would be told that the fire originated in the living room next to my parents ' room . The man told my dad that it was probably some homeless person trying to get warm during the cold night . But a couple weeks later , we would learn the truth . One of my brother 's friends had turned on him for some reason or another , a few days before the fire . During a later argument , the guy told my brother that he started the fire . No charges were pressed against him , even with his admission . He denied it to the police and had a supposed alibi : His ill father claimed he was in his room all night . We knew how many times that he snuck out of his bedroom window to hang out with my brother , while his father thought he was in his room doing homework or such . But we had no proof that he did it that night , other than his admission to my brother . However , he was later caught for starting a fire in someone else 's house . Luckily for that family , they caught him in the act . Unfortunately for us , he was still not charged for starting the fire in our home . It wasn 't until I was staring at the coal that I felt something . An aching sadness that seemed to both pull my gut lower and squeeze everything inside of me with an icy grip . I threw up because of it , right there . The acid taste almost crippling me in that darkened room of things that I once had . But out of the bile came another emotion . Anger . I was angry . More angry than I had ever been in my life . All of my things had been destroyed . The stuffed animals I had collected , my Barbie dolls , my clothes … my cat . Even worse , my family could have died . I know that I can replace the things I lost , that material items aren 't important in the broad scheme of things , but I also know that no one should lose so much in one night . Nothing of mine or my parents ' was salvageable . A lot of my brother 's things were destroyed . Pictures , books , musical instruments , paintings , drawing , toys , clothing , stories written by myself or my father . . . All these things were burnt to ash or melted into indecipherable shapes twisting in agony … and worst was the animals . I didn 't understand about paintings and pictures , the significance that they meant on my life until I was much older and realized that they were a part of our memories . But the animals . . . To me and my family , animals are like people . They aren 't just toys or pets . They are our family . My cat had been a birthday present who , I intelligently named " Meow " , would stand and wait for me to come home every day . Meow was found behind the stove where she tried to hide . Two other cats had been with us for years and were found two feet from the door . The dog we lost had been in my life since before I could remember . I felt her loss the most , because to me , she was my sister . The dog was found hiding under my brother 's bed , apparently having followed my mother when she went to wake my brother . We lost so much in that fire , but we also learned a lot about ourselves . We learned that even though we lost almost everything we owned , we still had each other . That together we would make it . It was at that time that I knew love would see people through even the worst of times . I knew that love is the most powerful emotion in the world , and where there is love ; there is life and a way . I continue to live by that creed . We weren 't killed that night as my brother 's friend intended . We survived and rebuilt our lives . Things have never been the same since that night . We live as if we will lose everything in a moment 's notice . We don 't trust others , either . I have a hard time making friends because of the fear that one day they will turn and destroy my family , maybe not as literally as my brother 's friend once attempted , but that thought still resides in the back of my mind . We know that life is precious and it has made us a stronger family . We have learned the value of people assisting those in need and we have tried to help others . In the end , sometimes that is the best that anyone could do for someone in a bad situation : Try to help them in any way that we can . Of all the people in my life , one person stands out the most . She was my best friend for twelve years , until she passed away in the Spring of 2004 . Her name was Phoebus Shootafar , or as everyone else knew her , Phoebe . She was not a person in the usual sense , but , in fact , was a purebred Shetland Sheepdog . No one knew that I would go home in a few days with a dog . One of her parents was my parents ' mythology professor at school . My mom and dad were invited by the professor for a lively luncheon at their place . Since my parents had no one else to watch my brother and myself , they brought us along with the usual strict orders to be polite and obey the rules . I never previously met the professor myself , and though I heard stories about him and knew of him as being fun and very into mythology , I knew that he was a grown up , which meant , in my mind , boring . When we pulled into the road that led to their place , we were greeted by the professor , his wife , and their dog . I was instantly enraptured by Phoebe , though , sadly , at first , she was not interested in me other than as an intruder in her space . I could not take my eyes off of her , and she would not take hers from me . After all , she did not know who I was and I was probably there to steal her tennis balls . Before too long , with the assistance of the professor 's wife , Phoebe forgot I was a threat . I transitioned from the person who was going to steal her tennis balls to the person who was throwing them for her to chase . We spent a good part of the day that way , me throwing the balls , her chasing them with her gold , brown and white fur flowing like liquid as she moved . Early on , I had noticed a small triangular cut on her tongue and queried the professor 's wife about it . " Phoebe 's grandmother is a grand champion , " the professor 's wife told me . " Sometimes , the owners of champion dogs do something to the dog 's babies so that when they grow up , they can 't compete . " I did not really consider it at the time , but as I grew up , I would become more and more involved in animal rights because of that small cut on Phoebe 's tongue . All too soon , it was time to go . My parents were calling me from the car , telling me we needed to go home to get dinner started . I could only stare at them , holding a slobbery green tennis ball in my hand . Then I burst into tears . I did not want to go . It took some cajoling and a few " no desert after dinner " threats to get me into the car . Like many of the kids I knew , I had watched endless episodes of Lassie and knew I wanted a dog like her . Combined with the fun day I enjoyed with Phoebe , my heart was set . I wanted Phoebe and I would do anything to get her . So , I hatched a plan . I started cleaning and I was a terrible housekeeper . I tried washing dishes , but after two plates and a cup ended up shattered on the floor , my mom took over that job . I was not allowed around the stove while dinner was cooking , but that did not stop me from trying , at least until after I burnt dinner that night . My next cleaning attempt occurred the next day when I tried to sweep . I did not realize that you were supposed to sweep everything the same direction , not just stir things up swinging the broom every way that it would go . I shattered a lamp in the attempt . At that point , my parents forbade me from even trying to help clean until I was much older . So , I took my efforts outside . My next step was the garden . I started working on pulling up weeds . I was doing a pretty good job , too , until my dad came out and yelled at me for pulling up several of the plants … ok most of the plants in the garden and leaving several , in my opinion , very pretty weeds . My parents must have caught on to what I was doing because , when I got home from school a couple of days later , Phoebe was sitting on the porch her tail wagging and a tennis ball in her mouth . It turned out that the professor and his wife , while they loved Phoebe , could not take care of her since they spent most of their time teaching in town , over an hour away . The professor gave my parents Phoebe after hearing about my various attempts at cleaning , in the hopes that I would put my attention somewhere else . From that day on , other than school , Phoebe and I were never separated . That summer , we were explorers making our way up Compost Mountain and fending off hungry carnivorous sheep . A couple of summers after that we were battling a dragon in the backyard that had cleverly disguised itself as a tree . The tree - dragon won , by the way . When I got my driver 's license , she went with me , riding in the passenger seat , her head stuck out the window . When I got married , she wore a headband and helped walk me down the aisle . When she passed , I knew that I would never find anyone else like Phoebe . She helped me get through bad breakups , chick flicks , and my numerous tirades over school , my parents , my brother , or my stories . She also served as my motivator , helping me with whatever I needed , be it a tree - dragon , or a long drive . She was always watching , always waiting with patient brown eyes that melted my heart . She loved me completely , never doubting , never holding back . She was my best friend . Wesley is described as a Caucasian male , 3 ' 3 " , weighing around 40 pounds , with short red hair and blue eyes . Wesley vanished from his place of residence on Grey Owl Drive around 4 : 30 in the morning . Witnesses claimed to hear glass breaking and screams emanating from the house at around 4 : 15 in the morning . The 911 call was made five minutes later . Williams claimed that he and fellow hunters , Sean Corbet and John Worth , entered the Targee National forest to hunt the creature they believed was responsible for the reports of animal mutilations . While the three men were in the forest , Williams alleges that they were attacked by a werewolf . Williams was the only known survivor from the incident . Police have scouted the area but were unable to reclaim the bodies of the missing men , nor were able to confirm Williams ' story . Blog at WordPress . com . Purple Dragon Craftingamigurumi creations by PurpleDragon57Colin M . DrysdaleWriting , Life , Zombies , The End Of The World . . . And Occasionally Sailing ! The Zombie BlogSurviving The Zombie ApocalypseKristen LambAuthor , Blogger , Social Media JediAuthor Lyn GibsonDonnaInk delivers eclectic authors to horror aficionadosDysfunctional LiteracyJust because you CAN read Moby Dick doesn 't mean you should . ContinuallyConfused ( I have no idea what I 'm doing ) allensrepositoryofstuffRuth zombie apocalypse stories SHTF , TEOTWAWKI and WROLContrafactualThat which is not true , but could be true under certain conditions . Hugo OddlaneFlash Fiction and other musings . Ninjatoes ' papercraft webpageHave fun building ! Diary of a Recovering IdiotNotes From the Zombie ApocalypseThoughts about the looming Zombie ApocalypseThe Nature N3rdThe Dark Lord of the PithrmactscSurvival Considerations When The SHTFWordPress . comWordPress . com is the best place for your personal blog or business site .
|
Very rapidly , over less than the last month , he began losing weight incredibly fast . He was still eating , and we had recently seen another of our cats ( though this one upon reaching fourteen , not twelve ) go through the weight loss that 's common in old age in cats . Ziggy was acting fine , otherwise , and there didn 't seem to be anything wrong with him . Come this last week , and it had become very obvious . He was snuggled next to me and I suddenly realized I could count his vertebrae and feel the muscle " knobs " on his pelvis . I talked to Lona 's mother about taking him to the vet , worried that he had a worm or something . But both Lona and her brother have birthdays this week - Lona 's is today , her brother 's in two days - and we came to the agreement that we 'd take him in this Friday and find out what was up . He lept up , with difficulty , to his spot atop the bookcase for a few hours night before last . On the way down he missed the jump to the TV and fell . Thankfully a mass of blankets caught him and cushioned his fall . He walked out , weaving a little on his feet , but walking . I checked him over and he didn 't seem to have any pain reactions , so I figured he was just dazed from the fall . His cry , which used to be the loudest you can imagine , was weak and pitiful . We decided that if he were still around by the next day , Monday , we 'd have to take him in to be put down . His body was very obviously and suddenly just DONE . If we were in the bedroom , he wanted to be in the bedroom with us . He had never been a lap cat , never liked being held or picked up . In the bedroom , he began crawling into our laps and sleeping with us . When Lona sat in our comfy chair , he would either curl up on her lap or by her legs . If she needed him to be off her , he 'd get on the table next to her and stretch out , usually with his head facing us so that every time he opened his eyes , he 'd see us . If we ate dinner in the bedroom , I 'd take to bringing him something as well . Some cut up chicken , a little tuna , and eventually , the Meow Mix that became his favorite . He 'd eat his food , then sit beside us and ask for tastes of what we had . At first , he was pushy - but Lona would tell him to back off or he wouldn 't GET anything . And slowly he 'd sit down and just wait . He learned that waiting got him more treats than meowing and pushing at us . The next thing he learned was that if he sat on the table beside the chair , he would block Lona 's view of the TV . She didn 't like that , and told him , " Zig , get down . I can 't see . " And the first couple of times , she had to push him down to get him to lay down - but then he did . In less than three weeks , " Zig , get down . I can 't see , " became something he would respond to . But the amusing thing was that he responded to it in stages . The moment Lona said she couldn 't see , he would lower his head below his shoulders , giving him the pose of a vulture sitting on a branch . She 'd laugh and say " I STILL can 't see . " And Zig would slowly , slowly lower his front end down until he was actually laying down . At which point , Lona would thank him , pet him , and we 'd get on with what we were doing . And Zig would either decide this new spot worked for him and go to sleep - OR he would stand up , in a crouched position , keeping his head low and belly touching the table , and slink over onto the second table we put there specifically FOR him to sleep on so that he 'd stop knocking things off of Lona 's table . He did this consistently - and ONLY walked like that after one of the " I can 't see " statements . This statement would also extend to OTHER screens , though . If he got on Lona 's desk , and was blocking her from seeing her monitor , she 'd say " Zig , get down . I can 't see . " And he would glance at the monitor , then slowly lay down until he wasn 't blocking it anymore . What makes this even more interesting was that he was obviously not just responding to it as a command . Because if the " command phrase " were used when he was NOT actually blocking Lona from seeing the TV or her screen , he would actually look around , as if trying to find what he was blocking her from seeing , and if he did NOT find the TV or her monitor , he would just look at her and blink his eyes . It was like he was saying " You can 't see ? There 's nothing HERE to see . I 'm not moving . " In his time practically living in the bedroom with us , Ziggy also developed a common sibling rivalry for cats . He saw our phones , Lona 's iPad , and our 3DS 's as competition for our attention . I witnessed him stop on his way to get food in favor of climbing up onto the chair and getting very carefully BETWEEN Lona and whatever electronic device had her attention at the moment . He did NOT like when the glowy things kept mommy from paying attention to him , thank you very much . If he and I were alone in the room , he would be have similarly for both my DS and my phone . I have a tendency to use my phone as an e - reader , and Zig would watch me for a few minutes and , even if I was petting him with my other hand , would insist I PUT the glowy thing DOWN and pay attention to him with BOTH hands . And I would . We both would . The morning that we talked about having to take him in to the vet to put him down on Monday , Lona said that she really didn 't want him to die on her birthday . But it didn 't look like there was anything we could do to prevent it . Zig was in the room with us , lying on the floor . And when Lona said that , he lifted his head ( for the first time in awhile ) and looked at her . Then , not ten minutes later , he got up and very carefully made his way out the back door onto our screened in back porch . He fell down several times along the way , but ultimately he made it . A little while later , Lona 's mom went out back to see where he 'd gone . He had hidden himself behind an old recliner , and was all stretched out , but not in a way that made him look comfortable . He basically looked like he 'd collapsed there . Lona 's mother returned to the house and informed us all that Zig was actively dying and was probably going to pass on without help . The family came outside to sit vigil with him . He came out of his hiding place , crying pitifully with every step , and collapsed again . We all sat with him , talking to and about him while he laid there , breathing shallowly and rapidly . He was very deliberately putting himself into transition , preparing for his body to shut down . There were a lot of tears , and more pity when Lona 's brother petted him and it apparently drew him back to his body enough that he began to cry again , then got up and moved to a new spot - closer to the house and more surrounded by all of us - and collapsed again . We agreed not to touch him - no matter how hard it would be . He was in the process of dying , and pulling him back like that was cruel . We all cried . Honestly … I can 't even begin to express this level of grief . I know it sounds cliche , but considering that as little as a week earlier we were discussing how best to move in such a way that he 'd be traumatized as little as possible by the move - even though he quite obviously wanted to be with us and therefore we couldn 't leave him - I swear … I feel like I 've lost a son . Over the last year , I can 't think of a single daily activity that didn 't involve Zig in some way . If we were at our desks , he was on one of them or walking around meowing trying to get us to go into the bedroom . If we were in the bedroom , he was in there with us . He woke me up at night to open the door and let him out so he could go to the litter box , and scratched to be let back in when he was done . When we woke in the morning , he was so happy we were awake that he 'd just start talking to us . Enter a room where he was , and he 'd always meow in greeting . Touch him , and he 'd purr powerfully . Go out , and does the cat need food or anything before I come home ? Picking up fast food ? Well I 'll grab him a plain burger or a chicken patty and tear it up for him when I get home . Zig has been ever present in Lona and my lives for awhile now . And … until today … we thought he 'd continue to be so for at the very least another four or five years . He was twelve . Now he 's gone . And there is a huge gaping hole … Not just in our hearts , but in our plans for the future . At one point Lona and I both broke down saying we felt like our son had just died . And there 's no other way to describe it . He 'd made himself more than just a pet - he was a staple , a part of life that … I don 't know how we 're going to handle being gone . The pet crematorium was closed on Sunday . And while Zig was absolutely amazing right to the end and honored Lona 's wish that he not die on her birthday , we WILL have to take him in to be cremated today . His body has been wrapped up in a soft towel and placed in a cardboard box , seeming so much smaller in death than in life . The box is out on the back porch , only a couple of feet from the spot where he chose to die . Zig had a way of dragging the eyes to him . If you didn 't see him at first , his meow would draw your eyes like a magnet so you knew he was there . Every time I walk into any room in the house , I find my eyes darting to wherever he usually is . The counter in the kitchen . The sink . Lona 's desk - because he 's not on mine . The middle of the office floor . The top of the bookcase in the bedroom . The table beside the bedroom chair . The floor where his bowls were . I find myself trapped in the mental cycle of the " nevers . " I 'll never hear his meow again . I 'll never pet him again . I 'll never sleep with him curled up in my lap . Never feed him . Never watch him demonstrate how smart he was . Never watch him stretch out on his back on the floor , looking like he abruptly dropped from the ceiling and is lying there dazed , showing the pure white spot on his belly that was the only spot of pure white on an otherwise orange tabby . Never . Never . Never . Zig preferred to be in the bedroom with me and my wife if we were in there together . He would sometimes cry at the door , only to realize we were both elsewhere in the house and proceed to come find us . However , he would then try to get us to go into the bedroom by meowing and walking back and forth between us and the closed bedroom door . I can 't blame him for his love of the bedroom . Unlike the rest of the house , we kept our bedroom air conditioned . And when he was in there with us , he usually became the center of attention , whereas if we were at our desks we are usually working and therefore had to ignore him most of the time . Still , that 's where he preferred to be if he had a choice . One afternoon , I ignored him asking to be let in even though I was in the bedroom . I was playing my 3DS , and knew if I got up to open the door I would likely just leave the room and go back to work , and I wasn 't ready to do that yet . So I ignored his crying . My wife opened the door to leave the room after he 'd quieted down , but he was waiting outside still and he came hurtling in as fast as his little orange legs could carry him . He ran between the chair I was sitting in and the box I had my legs up on , beneath the blanket I had over my legs at the time . I told my wife to just leave him - I 'd get him out of the bedroom after I was finished with my race , since I was about ready to leave at this point . By the time I had finished my race , Zig had exited his blanket cave and instead climbed up into one of the built - in wall cubbies by the door . He was snuggled down on some of my rarely worn clothes that I stored there . I turned off my game , stood up , and called him so we could leave the room together . However , instead of coming , he stood up and got down from the cubby , leapt up onto our California King Sized bed , and walked to the exact center before sitting down . Due to the size of the bed , he was exactly too far for me to reach him to pick him up . I made a face at him , told him he could have it his way , and left the room . I figured he 'd follow me when he was finished being obstinate , but I underestimated him . He didn 't come out . So I went back in after him - only he was nowhere to be found . However , I 'd been within sight of the door the whole time , and I knew he hadn 't come out of the bedroom . He was hiding . He wasn 't in the built - ins , behind the TV , or in the chair . He wasn 't atop his favorite bookshelf , or burrowed into the blankets on the bed . Finally , I spotted him . He was on the floor , on the far side of the bed , lying down as flat as he could go . His orange fur was blending perfectly with the color of the wood floor in our room - and he was silent . Zig was almost never silent , you see . If you met his eyes , he talked . If you spoke to him , he talked . If you made a noise in his presence , he would look at you and meow . I 'd been calling him while I was looking and he didn 't make a single sound . I fixed my eyes on him and said his name - not as if I was calling him this time . I said his name as a definitive statement . " Ziggy . " Finally , his eyes moved and focussed on me . He realized I was looking right at him and must have understood that he 'd been found . The " mow … " that he let out was oddly under his breath - almost as if he were saying , " Dangit … he found me . " Still , found or not , he was on the far side of the bed - the side that only has a few inches clearance between it and the wall . I couldn 't get over there to pick him up , and he knew it . He sat up , but didn 't come out . I sat down on the chair , facing Zig , and patted the footrest / chest we kept at the end of the bed . I asked him to come and hop up so I could pick him up and we could go . My usually very obedient cat didn 't move a muscle , except to sit up and stare at me . His eyes got VERY big … and I mean , Puss In Boots big and sad , and he just stared at me . I asked him again , he still didn 't move . So I tried to get him to play with my retractable backscratcher . He usually will at least swat at this - all he wanted to do was nuzzle it . I reached out a hand to him and wiggled my fingers . " Come on over here , sweetie , I 'll pet you . " He barely inched toward me , and stopped when he was at the very farthest distance he could be and still let me touch him . I scratched his head , petted his chin , and tried again to coax him out from the other side of the bed . He would have nothing of it . He KNEW that if he stayed right there , where I couldn 't reach him , he wouldn 't have to leave the bedroom . Finally , I looked right at him and said , " OK . I 'll make you a deal . You come over here and jump up on this , " I patted the footrest , " so I can pick you up and we can leave the room , and I promise - when I make my and mommy 's sandwiches , you can have a WHOLE PIECE OF HAM , all to yourself . " The concept of bargaining is solely a human idea , most scientists will say . Trading , no . But to perform a very abstract action unrelated to the desired outcome in order to receive something you want ? That is abstract . " Sit = get treat " does not equal " Come over here , jump up on this , let me pick you up , and some time later when I am working with food I will give you some " is fairly abstract . This is just one of many examples Zig gave me of just how complex his cognitive skills were , but it 's one of my favorites just because it shows how much of a character he was . He 's been gone less than a year , and sometimes I still expect to see or hear him around the house . He was a fixture of my and my wife 's lives like no other . I didn 't chew gum much , growing up . I think I 'd had Buddy over a year the first time he ever saw me chewing gum . Eating in front of him wasn 't anything new , but when he saw the strange , pink thing begin to inflate out of my mouth , he fussed . Of course , he fussed all the time - it was one of his regular noises . He factored it into his talking and babbling , and even did it to a lesser extent while " sleep mumbling " before bed . So I didn 't pay any particular attention to it as I continued to blow bubbles . Buddy thought , I 'm guessing , that the bubbles were something either growing out of my face or latching onto my face . Either way , they were something bad . But where they 'd blown up and gone away in a split second up until now , here was a bubble that just kept getting bigger . I 'd blown it about half the size of my face when I heard him burst into flight , fussing furiously . He swooped right at my face . I expected him to swerve at the last second and land on my shoulder - feints like that were a game he played sometimes . But no - his eyes were on the monster attacking his best friend 's mouth . Several things happened all at once . The bubble exploded without having actually reached it 's full size . Buddy shrieked and fluttered into my lap , half falling out of the air , and I yelped . My mom got up from the dining room where she 'd been doing something , and came in to see what was wrong . What she saw was me staring down at my parakeet , who was sitting in my lap . He was fluffed up and appeared very proud of himself , strutting back and forth across my jeans . I had popped bubble gum all over my face and glasses . And Buddy … well … I picked him up and my mom and I together cleaned him off ( thankfully the gum wasn 't gooey - I used the rest of it from in my mouth to pull some of it off his legs , though I think he lost a few little leg feathers at the same time ) . Then I cleaned my glasses . Buddy was an incredibly agreeable bird - he let himself get cleaned off with minimal struggling . It 's a good thing I 'd trained him from the day I got him ( no matter how unintentionally ) to be alright with being handled . As we cleaned up , I told my mom what had happened and it was her who realized what it sounded like . Buddy had been upset by the bubble gum , thinking it was attacking me . When it got big enough that he thought he could land on it , he came swooping over to attack it and save me . This also explained why he was fluffed up and excited once the bubble exploded . After all , he 'd just killed the thing that was attacking me . Wasn 't I proud of him ? Though her name was Baby , I never actually knew my first dog when she was a baby . According to the vet , she was at least twenty years old when we got her . Even for a toy poodle , that 's fairly old . Baby ate three times a day , in her old age . She didn 't have most of her teeth due to neglect from before she ever came to be our dog . She would have a meal of wet dog food in the morning , a cut up hot dog at lunch , and another meal of canned dog food in the evening . She 'd eat dry dog food , but swallowing it whole didn 't give her much nutrition , so while we always had it OUT ( both for her and eventually for Lady , the other dog ) we didn 't expect her to eat it . Mom looked at me and said " Well , when she 's ready , she 'll stop eating . And she won 't want to do anything . That 's how we 'll know . " We put her down Saturday , May 22nd , 1999 . As we were preparing to leave for the vet , I was sitting in the living room looking at Baby on the floor . I 'd put her harness on her , and the leash was in my hand , waiting for my parents to be ready to go . As I stood there , I watched our other dog come into the room , give one look at Baby , and then leave . They never really got along - Lady was too much puppy for Baby in her old age . But then Smokey approached the dying toy poodle . For the first time since I 'd been watching ( and I 'd been sitting there for awhile ) , Baby lifted her head . Smokey walked around Baby slowly , like she was trying to encourage her " mama " to get up . Baby didn 't move , but her head followed the cat , sniffing - she was completely blind by then , as far as we knew . Then Smokey reached Baby 's head . Smokey and Baby stayed that way for a long time - it must have only been a couple of minutes , but it felt like it stretched on forever to me . They were nose to nose , sniffing each other . And then finally , Baby laid her head back down , and Smokey walked away . Well , at that point , I was crying . All I could think about was the scene near the end of Homeward Bound : The Incredible Journey , where the old dog Shadow is injured and seemingly dying , and the young dog , Chance , tries to encourage him to get up and keep going . Shadow 's words rung in my head as I watched my cat and dog interact for the last time . My parents and I elected to be with her when she passed , and stood there while the vet gave her the injection . I was standing at her head , petting her and looking into her eyes . Then , just as she breathed her last I heard a voice in my head that I had never heard before , and have never heard since . It was the voice of an elderly woman , and it only said two words . I don 't know if it was because I 'd had so many paranormal pet experiences by that time , but it didn 't frighten me at all . Instead , it filled me with a sense of peace and the knowledge that we really were doing what Baby wanted us to do . Not that it wasn 't hard - and to this day I regret not asking my parents to get her ashes returned . But beyond that , I have no regrets . Every year around Christmas , I would string up garland around the inside walls of my bedroom , as well as putting some lights in my bedroom window . Stringing the garland wasn 't the easiest thing to do . I had a nail in one or two corners of my bedroom near the ceiling , but the other two corners would be held by tape . I remember talking to her and telling her that she should leave it alone - she was the reason I had to hang it so high . I didn 't want her getting ahold of it and eating any part of the plastic - it could hurt her . She , being a cat , just watched me with wide , interested eyes as I worked . On the far side of my bed was a tall bookcase . A bookcase that Smokey had proven on multiple occasions that she could get on top of when she wanted to . It didn 't occur to me at the time that her bookshelf scaling ability put her in the perfect position to attack the strange , sparkly gold snake that I 'd spend hours sticking to the wall . The corner nearest the bookshelf was one of the corners where the garland was taped . I usually used scotch tape , but I think I 'd used a single strip of duct or masking tape that year after several failures with the scotch tape . As a result , I figured it wasn 't going ANYWHERE , as sticky as it was . A few hours later , I heard frantic jingling . Smokey wore a collar for her entire life - a little blue collar with a bell and a heart - shaped tag with her name and my contact information on it in case she ever ran outside . The few times she did dart outside , she was immediately overwhelmed by the largeness OF outside as a whole , and ran right back into the house . However , as a result of the collar , we always knew when she was coming . And she sounded like she was racing all around the back bedrooms . I figured she was chasing a bug - she was a fantastic mouser with no mice to chase , so she tended to chase bugs - and I looked to my right from where I was sitting on the couch . This let me glance down the length of the hall past the dining room toward the bedrooms . I was SO angry . I had , for some reason , trusted that she wouldn 't take down the garland after I told her not to . Admittedly , I was a hormonally irrational teenager at the time , but that doesn 't change that I was mad . From what I remember , my parents thought it was hilarious , and poor Smokey was freaked out . Smokey though ? Never bothered the garland again . In fact , when I pulled it out and started putting it up ? She would go be elsewhere in the house any time I was dealing with the sparkly snake that bit on all sticky and didn 't let go . Buddy was purchased at a few weeks old from the erstwhile Great Barrier Reef Pet Store located in Houston , TX . It closed a few years after we got him - I don 't actually know when . Not long after Buddy passed away we went back to where he 'd come from and found it closed . Buddy was aptly named . He was my very first pet ( well , aside from some fish that , I admit , I was not the best owner to ) . I had wanted a dog for as long as I can remember , and I was twelve years old when we brought Buddy the bird home . Not Saturday morning cartoons , mind you - though some of them were . But I started my Saturdays with Jack Hannah 's Animal Adventures . And , being that it was a show about animals , I thought it was only appropriate that my new animal friend join me for it . Buddy 's cage was in my bedroom at the time , set up on a card table in the corner . I opened the door and gently encouraged him to step onto my finger the way my mom and the pet store employee taught me to the night before . He stepped up after a moment , though his feathers smoothed down in what I now know was apprehension . And who can blame him , really , for being nervous ? Yesterday he was in a large cage with a bunch of other birds , and today he 's all alone except for this human who 's now … carrying him somewhere unknown . I 'd be nervous too . He walked around during the shows , and at one point hop / fluttered onto the floor . I remember freaking out a bit and getting down on the floor with him , but mostly I let him explore . I talked to him a lot .
|
This is the sequel to Reaching Out , so if you haven 't read that one yet , I recommend that you do ! This story is a Pearlshipping story . It is pretty short , and will be four - five chapters at the absolute most . I promise that it will still be good , though Dawn 's first light slowly began to creep in through a tight gap in the curtains . It flitted across the bedroom and alighted on the bedspread . The light crawled slowly along the length of the bed , finally halting on a face obscured by mussed black hair . The figure 's only reactions to the invasive light were a slight twitch of the eye , and a subtle shifting of position so that the light landed instead on the silky soft brown forelocks of the woman who lay alongside him . The man grumbled as the phone let loose an early ring , disturbing him from a contented sleep . It rang again , and he reached out blindly towards the phone . He lifted the receiver slightly in the midst of a third jangle , before swiftly replacing it . With a contented sigh he let his arm drop against the side of the bed and snuggled deeper under the covers , twisting slightly so that his chin rested against the woman 's silky brown locks . He breathed deeply , inhaling the heady scent of her hair that always reminded him of the slightly tropical climate of her native Hoenn . Sleepily , she brushed her hair out of her eyes and looked at him with partly - closed eyes . " No clue , " he shrugged , allowing his fingers to ply dexterously through the folds of her long tresses . " It 's too early for a phone call so I just hung up . Probably just another prank - calling kid . " She yawned again and managed to drag herself into a sitting position , the pillows rumpling up behind her back . " Not a chance , " he said , looking at her distended , pregnant belly with a smile . " There 's only a couple of weeks until you 're due , and you shouldn 't overtax yourself so early when you 're so tired . " She opened her mouth to protest , but he forestalled her with a wave of his hand . " Besides , " he continued , " I was going to make you breakfast in bed today . How does tea , toast , and hot cereal sound ? " She sighed and closed her eyes . " That sounds wonderful , " she said dreamily , relaxing against the pillows . The phone rang again as he rolled out of bed and pulled on his sleep pants and slippers . " Ignore it , " she said , opening her eyes . " If it 's important , they 'll call back later . " He smiled and walked around the bed , leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek . He moved to the door , pausing at the opening for a brief moment to look back at his wife . Her eyes were closed once more , her arms draped protectively across her large stomach . He felt a shudder of joy at the sight of her , and the small miracle that she carried within . Quietly , he left the room and moved down the hallway of the bungalow , slipping into the kitchen . He leaned against a wall and looked out the window . The sun was still low in the horizon , the sky a pale gold wherever it 's shining rays touched . The cool grass shone with an early frost , and a pair of Ledian flew swiftly around the flowerbed one last before beginning their journey south . It was a beautiful day . Posts 102 Here is Part Two . This was originally only going to be a twoshot , but it looks like it will now have four chapters . Hope you enjoy . He carefully manoeuvred his way from the kitchen into the hall , balancing the laden try with difficulty and shaking his head as the phone rang yet again . Who on earth could be so insistent this early in the morning ? he wondered . As he made his way down the hallway , the phone cut off in mid - ring and he heard his wife 's muffled voice . Hefting the tray , he sidled into the room sideways and took one look at her white face . " Ash , honey … It 's the morgue … " she whispered . The happiness he had felt earlier was abruptly siphoned away as he processed those three words through his brain over and over … The morgue … He didn 't realize when the heavy tray tumbled out of his suddenly limp grasp . He didn 't hear May 's shriek of surprise when it crashed against the ground with the sound of shattering dishes , or feel the scalding tea burn against his leg as it fell . He moved as if in a dream towards the phone , not registering the tread of broken china under his feet or the worried words of his wife . He reached out , blindly , towards the waiting phone . " H - hello ? " he asked , his throat suddenly dry . " Yes ; Mr . Ketchum , I presume ? My name is Arata Ukiyo , and I 'm an attendant here at the morgue . I 'm so sorry to call at this time in the morning , but the body of a young woman was discovered on the riverbank last night and we believe that you can identify her . Can we expect you down here shortly ? " " It 's quite simple , Mr . Ketchum , " Mr . Ukiyo said soothingly . " We only need you to state if you know her or not . If it will help you to prepare yourself , I can give you her name now . It 's only whether you knew her or not that really matters . " " Her name was Dawn , " he said . Ash jerked his head backwards in surprise . " Dawn , " he muttered darkly , before returning his attention to the conversation at hand . " Thank you , Mr . Ukiyo , I 'll be at the morgue soon , " he said , hanging up the phone before the attendant had a chance to respond . He stared into space for a moment . The despair that he had felt from the moment that May had told him it was the morgue had already vanished . Instead of despair , he felt his heart fill with a kind of savage glee . The emotion surprised him momentarily , but as dark memories of the past began to flood his consciousness he felt more and more glad by the news . " Ash ? " May asked , but he didn 't hear her . " So she 's dead , " he muttered , " gone from my life forever . " He paused , trying to sum up his emotions . " Good riddance , " he spat . " Ash ! " May snapped , jerking him out of his thoughts . He turned and looked at her , a hard expression on his face . He was surprised to see a worried expression on her face . " Who was she , and what did she do to you ? " May asked softly . " I 've never seen you so filled with hate . " Ash gazed into her cool , sapphire eyes for a moment , allowing them to relax him briefly . " She was a Coordinator from Twinleaf Town , " he said monotonously , turning away from her face . " I met her when I first travelled into Sinnoh , only a few days after you left for Johto . She was a fun kid , and she had lots of energy . She was like a little sister to me . She supported me in my Gyms , and I did the same in her Contests . " He paused for a moment . " And then things changed . " " I had a rival , Paul . He was the most arrogant person that I ever met . He was very harsh when he trained his Pokemon , and he claimed that it was because they wanted it that way . His favourite technique was to get five of his Pokemon attack his sixth at the same time . He said it made their attacks stronger , having to dodge or counter five attacks instead of just one . " " He was nasty towards me , always calling me pathetic , " Ash continued . " He wasn 't as bad with Dawn , although he still hurt her feelings on some occasions . For some reason he really respected Brock ; maybe it was because he used to be a Gym Leader , I don 't know . Thing is , after a couple of months Dawn began to change when she was around him . " It started out with little things . When he insulted me , Dawn didn 't get back in his face like she used to . Once , we challenged a Gym at the same time , and she just watched him battle . The next time that happened , she cheered for him . It came to a head one day when I battled against Paul in the countryside . Dawn took his side , over mine . I was hurt , and didn 't speak to her for the rest of the day . When Brock and I woke up the next morning , she was gone . The only thing that she left was a note saying that she had fallen in love with Paul , and she was going to spend the rest of her life with him . " I never saw her again . " " Oh , Honey , " May sympathized , squeezing his hand . " For some reason , she decided to keep in contact with Brock . After Sinnoh , when he went back to the Gym , he got a letter from her . She wrote to him every couple of weeks . I never got any mail , even though I tried to get back in touch with her through her mother . I got tired of it eventually , and just stopped trying . " " What did you do then ? " May asked . " I wanted to know what she and Brock were talking about , " Ash answered . " He 'd kept all of her letters , so while he was out one day I went into his room and read them . " He shook his head in disgust . " By the time she was twelve , she was pregnant . She couldn 't handle it , so she went and had an abortion ; Paul never found out about that . When Johanna , her mother , was sick with cancer , Dawn didn 't even visit once . Johanna died without seeing her daughter . " And then , a couple of years ago , she killed Paul . She hit him over the head with a frozen Farfetch 'd and broke his skull . " " No kidding . There was a criminal trial of course , but somehow she managed to walk away without penalty . Brock was her key character witness . " " And that 's why you two have fallen out of contact , " May realized . " Yep . Make no mistake , I hated Paul . I hated who he was , and how he treated his Pokemon . But nobody deserves to die like that , hit over the head by a frozen bird . " He sighed . " I just can 't understand how he could take the side of a killer . " " I 'm sure he had his reasons , " May said softly . " After all that happened , " Ash continued , ignoring her , " all of her Pokemon left her , even her starter . Some went back into the wilderness ; Prinplup was adopted by Brock 's mother , and her Pachirisu by Brock . Her Buneary and Ambipom decided to come and find me . " He raised his arm to knock on the door , but paused . He swallowed nervously and closed his eyes for a moment . Even though she was gone , he hated Dawn . He hated her for what she had to done to her family , her friends , and her Pokemon . But although he was glad that she would never cause harm or trouble to any more people , beneath his wrath a small prick of sympathy and affection remained for his fallen friend . No matter how much he inwardly raged at her past actions , he didn 't want to see her lifeless , unmoving body outstretched on that cold , steel table in a clean , white body bag . He opened his eyes , trying to banish the demons from the past that kept flitting to the forefront of his mind . Unbidden images stole into his mind 's eye . Running past a frightened girl in a pink skirt , distracting Team Rocket from attacking her with a tentacled machine … Comforting her after a devastating Contest loss … Running up a long , winding staircase with her at his side , both desperately trying to reach the top and stop the mad battle of two legendary Pokemon … trading her his Aipom for her Buizel , a trade that they had thought marked a true , unshakeable friendship … Darker memories began to pour in , and though he tried his hardest to tear his gaze away from those nightmares , he couldn 't avoid seeing his past . An exclamation of delight when a Magmar 's Fire Punch collided with Staravia … a heated argument , leading to his sleeping in the next field over … a sharp slap colliding with his face that seemed to resonate within the woods … shouting that made even Pikachu run for cover , flying flecks of spittle landing on both their faces … waking up one morning to discover that she , along with her tent and sleeping bag , had vanished during the night , leaving only a short note weighted down with rocks ; the only sign that Dawn had ever existed as a member of their travelling group … The memories , both good and bad , flooded his consciousness until at last , eventually , they vanished , leaving him standing alone on the doorstep , white and shaking , as a cruel breeze whistled around his body . He had tried for years to forget that past , but he realized now that it was time to confront his demons . He couldn 't hide forever ; he had run , and the past had caught him . Now he had to put it behind him forever , and if the only way to do that was to see her dead body gazing emptily towards the ceiling , then so be it . " In here , sir , " Arata Ukiyo gestured , unlocking an old , metal door to their left . Ash followed him inside and gazed around the large , dark room with sadness . His eyes alighted on a dark mass at the centre of the room , and when Ukiyo flicked on the lights he saw that it was a white body bag resting on a long , stainless steel table . He approached slowly , nervously , trying to brace himself for what he knew was next . Ukiyo moved to one side of the body bag and rested his hands on the zipper . He looked up at Ash , compassion in his eyes as he asked the next question . Ash took a deep breath , trying to fight down the inner terror that was rising within him . Nodding , he steeled himself for what was to come . " Yes , " he said . Ukiyo grasped the zipper and drew it swiftly downwards , stopping when her head and neck was uncovered . Ash gazed down at the dead girl and felt something within him break . Tears began leaking out from the corners of his eyes as he saw her familiar blue hair , her empty blue eyes . Despite himself , he almost smiled as he looked down on her . Even in the moment of her death , she was smiling the familiar grin that rarely left her face . " Do you know this person ? " Ukiyo asked softly . Ash looked down on her a moment more before responding . " I told you on the phone , " he said , glancing down at the dead girl . " She drowned . We 're lucky that she washed up on the banks . A couple more hours in the water and her features would have bloated . We 'd have had to identify her through her teeth . " He took one look at Ash 's heaving chest and immediately regretted his words . " She had a bag tied to her waist , " Ukiyo answered . " It was waterproof , and we opened it to see if she had any identification in there . The only thing that we found was a note addressed to you . My assistant checked the Town Records to see if you lived in the vicinity , and when we found your number I called you . " " A note … " Ash muttered , shaking his head at the irony . " She let us know by a note the first time too " He sighed and looked up at the ceiling . " You never can escape the past , " he mused . " Sir , " Ukiyo said hesitantly . " We didn 't dispose of the note . Since it was addressed to you , we felt it would be wrong if you didn 't have the chance to read it . We put it in the next room , along with her shoes and hat . Would you like me to . . ? " Ash sighed again . " What choice do I have ? " he asked . " If she left me a note , she obviously wants me to read it . " Ukiyo nodded and slipped into the next room , quickly returning with an envelope in his hand . He handed it to Ash and patted him gently on the back once , just once . He silently left the room , leaving Ash alone with the corpse . He turned the envelope over and saw his name written on the front , each letter painstakingly crafted in Dawn 's calligraphy . He turned the envelope around again and slit it open gently . Looking briefly at the body of the girl who had written it , he slid out several sheets of thin paper . He unfolded them and began to read . If you 're reading this , then it probably means that I 'm dead . To be honest , I 'm surprised that I 've lived long enough to write this note . Looking back at my life , sometimes it feels as if everything that I 've done has been a mistake . One of my biggest mistakes was in not replying to your letters . They were all delivered safely , but at the time I just couldn 't bear to try and keep in touch with you , not after what had happened . By the time I felt ready to write back , it was too late ; your last letter to me made that very clear . Maybe if I 'd written back to you sooner things would be different , but I 've always had the feeling that nothing much would change about the way my life turned out . There is something I have to tell you that I have kept a secret from all but one . From the moment that I met you , I knew you were somebody special . It didn 't take me long to realize that I 'd fallen in love with you . Yes , Ash , I loved you ; I still do . From the moment that I saw you risking your life to try and save Pikachu , to now as I write this letter , I have yearned for you with all that my heart has to offer . I knew from the start that it would only lead to unhappiness , too . I don 't know if you were aware of it , but I could see that your heart was already given to somebody else . I knew that you would never love me in the same way that I do you , but I had to try and win your heart away . At one point I even thought about leaving you and Brock to travel on my own . It was painful being with you , knowing that you would never reciprocate my feelings . But not being with you would have been even more painful . Although I am ashamed to admit it , I tried everything I could think of to win your heart , but nothing seemed to work . At the end , desperate , I tried to make you jealous by cheering for Paul . I thought it had worked at first , but then I realized that you weren 't jealous because I was cheering for him ; you were angry that I was supporting your enemy . I regret that moment more than anything else in my life . Every waking moment of every day after that , you were cold to me . I knew that you thought I had betrayed you , and I knew that I had brought it on myself , but my competitive side wouldn 't let me back down in arguments . I know that it 's years too late , but I am sorry that I slapped you all that time ago . One night , a few days before I left you and Brock , I left the Pokemon Centre for some fresh air . I was standing outside the doors when Paul and his Tropius surprised me . He said that I was looking very sad , so he showed me his Tropius 's Sweet Scent to try and cheer me up . I suddenly felt really calm and happy , and then he told me that he loved me . I know now that he didn 't love me ; he saw a weakness in you , his rival , and did everything that he could to exploit it ; namely getting me to leave you and travel with him . He saw a girl who was sick for lack of love , and used Sweet Scent and his sickly charm to exploit that illness . The day I left , the two of you battled and his Tropius ended up winning . I should have realized why he used Sweet Scent during the battle , but I didn 't . It enchanted me for the rest of tI 'm sure you heard from Brock about some of the things that happened to me as time went on ; when I was 12 , I was pregnant . It wasn 't from anything that I did willingly . I woke up one night screaming in pain . I was confused , and then a hand clamped on my mouth and pushed my head down . I realized then that Paul was raping me . It happened several times , and I couldn 't do anything to stop it . Eventually my stomach started to swell , and I realized that I was pregnant before I 'd even had my first period . I thought about having an abortion , but I couldn 't bear to do that . It didn 't matter in the end ; my body couldn 't handle the baby inside , and I miscarried . I don 't want you to think that I didn 't care about my mother 's death either . By that time Paul had retired and bought a house , and I moved in with him . I hated him more than anything , but I had no other place I could go to . I was sure that my mother had heard of my " betrayal " , and I was afraid she would disown me ; both Zoey and Kenny had when they found out . Paul was the one who got the letters from you and Brock telling me about her cancer . He hid them and never told me about it . I didn 't find out she had died until after the funeral , when I found one of the letters in his desk . He was out at the time , so I started to make dinner . When he came in , I confronted him about it . His only answer was a slap to my face . Then he started beating me , shouting that he 'd done so much for me , and that I never did anything in return . When I heard that , I just snapped and grabbed the Farfetch 'd I 'd taken out of the freezer to thaw . I just wanted to protect myself and try to get away . I didn 't mean to swing the bird so hard ; I didn 't want it to hit him in the head . I just wanted to escape . He hit the ground and didn 't move . All of my Pokemon ran in from the backyard and saw him lying in a pool of blood , and the smashed Farfetch 'd in my hand . They all thought I 'd murdered him in cold blood . None of them , not even Prinplup , wanted anything toThrough everything that had happened to me , good and bad , my Pokemon had stayed by my side , supporting and comforting me . I had never truly been alone before . When they left , I learned what it was like to be all alone in the world . I had no friends and no family left . I lost the will to live . If it wasn 't for Brock during my trial , I would have lost my case . I know that you didn 't go , and I can 't blame you for it . Brock was the only person who had kept in contact with me . He was the only one who knew what I had gone through with Paul . He came up for a surprise visit once , before Paul died . I told him about everything , including my love for you . He understood , too . He was able to tell the jury everything that Paul had done to me , and they acquitted me under a charge of self - defence . Ash , I know that you haven 't spoken to him since he testified . Please , don 't hold it against him . During the trial , I didn 't care if I was found innocent or guilty . I only wanted it all to be over . Brock was a true friend . He stood by me , arguing my innocence for all his worth . All he wanted was for the truth to be heard . You probably thought he was taking the side of the murderer , not the victim . That wasn 't the case . It took me a long time , but I finally managed to find out your address . I 've been travelling through the country to reach you for a long time . Every time I fall asleep , I relive my past . I have no will to eat , or to drink . I don 't even feel warmth or cold anymore . The only thing that 's driving me on is the need to get this message to you ; to see your face for one last time . If I can do that , I will be able to die happy . I have never stopped loving you , and I never will . Ash lowered the last page of the letter . His arms shook with grief , and his eyes shone with unshed tears . Only now , when it was too late , did he finally know the truth . " Oh Dawn … " he whispered . " All of these years … you loved me and you never said anything . All of those fights we had … all of that pain … years of anguish and torment . Why couldn 't you tell me ? Why ? " Slowly , he moved forwards and looked down on the face of the girl who had loved him ; who he knew loved him still . He unzipped the remainder of the bag and clasped one of her cold hands in his . His eyes sought out the small smile on her face , and he felt a sudden surge of emotion . This time , he didn 't try to hold it back . The tears surged from his eyes , splashing down his arms and onto her chest . " I 'm sorry Dawn , " he sobbed . " I 'm so sorry that I didn 't understand . " He stayed that way until his tears were exhausted . He looked away from her , took a deep , shuddering breath , and regained his composure . " At least … at least you died happy , even without seeing me again , " he said softly , his voice quavering slightly as he traced the outline of her smile . He leaned forwards and gently kissed his dead friend on the lips . Straightening slowly , he took one last look at her and began walking towards the door , folding his letter and placing it securely in his pocket as he went . He placed a hand on the door handle and paused . " I did love you Dawn , " he said . " I was just too blind to see it . " May greeted him as he arrived home . She looked at him , concerned . He had left the house with an air of forced happiness , but now he appeared exhausted , distraught . She hurried off to the kitchen to make a hot drink , but his voice compelled her to stop . Ash strode through the double doors , his heart bursting with joy . His jacket was slung over one shoulder as he moved quickly down the hallway , looking for a payphone . It took him several moments , but he was finally able to find a free one . He grabbed a coin , ready to insert it in the pay slot , and hesitated . It had been so long … what if he didn 't want to hear a word of it ? He swallowed and pushed in the coin , punching the digits in quickly . If there was one thing he knew now , if he kept on waiting it would be too late . " Brock , I … I 'm sorry for everything that I said . I was wrong . You were just being the friend that she deserved . The friend that I should have been to both of you . " " What 's this about , Ash ? " Brock asked slowly , stiffly . Ash stopped , trying to gather his thoughts . " I know May called you about Dawn , " he said . " I don 't know how much she told you but I … I learned the truth . It may be years too late , but I know now that I was wrong about her , and about you . I 'm sorry . " There was a rush of static on the line , and Ash realized that Brock was sighing . " Ash , " he said , beginning to sound a little more like his old self , " how long have we been friends ? Do you think I could stay mad at you , after all that you 've been through ? We were both at fault ; I should have told you everything years ago , when Dawn asked me too . " Ash smiled , relief breaking across his face . " There 's something I have to tell you , " he said . " It 's about me and May . " " What ! ? " Brock shouted , stunned . " Brock , I want you to be her Godfather , " he said . " A - are you serious ? " Brock asked , his voice cracking . " I 'm honoured , " Brock said sincerely , all the hurt he had felt since the trial melting away at the news . " Can I ask what her name is ? " Ash paused a moment , trying to quell the emotion that had suddenly sprung into his chest . It 's rare for me , as an aspiring author , to be completely satisifed with what I have done . This story is no different , although I am much happier with this than with most of my work . In Reaching Out , I tried to be as emotional as possible . In this story , Searching for Truth , I wasn 't deliberately trying to be emotional , but I think it turned out a heartjerker ; I 'm definitely much more satisfied with it than Reaching Out . Is on Fanfiction . net . Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest ? PM me ! Don 't reply to my infractions . It 's not gonna change anything . Random friend requests do nothing . Let 's actually talk first . >_< Posts 656 Wow , Matkin . Despite my heart - broken feeling of this story not ending as Pearlshipping realistically , I must say you 've executed a magnificent story here from " Reaching Out " to this . Doesn 't look like there will be a sequel , but nobody except the author knows that . Doesn 't seem any monsters were involved in this story at all , even if you mentioned Dawn 's monsters leaving her . Not even Pikachu was mentioned . I was wondering what Ash , May , Brock , and even Paul 's Pokemon went off to in the story . Well , those are my thoughts of the story . Can 't review this story because I 'm no good at reviews . All I can say , I hope to see more stories from you , Matkin .
|
This is the sequel to Reaching Out , so if you haven 't read that one yet , I recommend that you do ! This story is a Pearlshipping story . It is pretty short , and will be four - five chapters at the absolute most . I promise that it will still be good , though Dawn 's first light slowly began to creep in through a tight gap in the curtains . It flitted across the bedroom and alighted on the bedspread . The light crawled slowly along the length of the bed , finally halting on a face obscured by mussed black hair . The figure 's only reactions to the invasive light were a slight twitch of the eye , and a subtle shifting of position so that the light landed instead on the silky soft brown forelocks of the woman who lay alongside him . The man grumbled as the phone let loose an early ring , disturbing him from a contented sleep . It rang again , and he reached out blindly towards the phone . He lifted the receiver slightly in the midst of a third jangle , before swiftly replacing it . With a contented sigh he let his arm drop against the side of the bed and snuggled deeper under the covers , twisting slightly so that his chin rested against the woman 's silky brown locks . He breathed deeply , inhaling the heady scent of her hair that always reminded him of the slightly tropical climate of her native Hoenn . Sleepily , she brushed her hair out of her eyes and looked at him with partly - closed eyes . " No clue , " he shrugged , allowing his fingers to ply dexterously through the folds of her long tresses . " It 's too early for a phone call so I just hung up . Probably just another prank - calling kid . " She yawned again and managed to drag herself into a sitting position , the pillows rumpling up behind her back . " Not a chance , " he said , looking at her distended , pregnant belly with a smile . " There 's only a couple of weeks until you 're due , and you shouldn 't overtax yourself so early when you 're so tired . " She opened her mouth to protest , but he forestalled her with a wave of his hand . " Besides , " he continued , " I was going to make you breakfast in bed today . How does tea , toast , and hot cereal sound ? " She sighed and closed her eyes . " That sounds wonderful , " she said dreamily , relaxing against the pillows . The phone rang again as he rolled out of bed and pulled on his sleep pants and slippers . " Ignore it , " she said , opening her eyes . " If it 's important , they 'll call back later . " He smiled and walked around the bed , leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek . He moved to the door , pausing at the opening for a brief moment to look back at his wife . Her eyes were closed once more , her arms draped protectively across her large stomach . He felt a shudder of joy at the sight of her , and the small miracle that she carried within . Quietly , he left the room and moved down the hallway of the bungalow , slipping into the kitchen . He leaned against a wall and looked out the window . The sun was still low in the horizon , the sky a pale gold wherever it 's shining rays touched . The cool grass shone with an early frost , and a pair of Ledian flew swiftly around the flowerbed one last before beginning their journey south . It was a beautiful day . Posts 102 Here is Part Two . This was originally only going to be a twoshot , but it looks like it will now have four chapters . Hope you enjoy . He carefully manoeuvred his way from the kitchen into the hall , balancing the laden try with difficulty and shaking his head as the phone rang yet again . Who on earth could be so insistent this early in the morning ? he wondered . As he made his way down the hallway , the phone cut off in mid - ring and he heard his wife 's muffled voice . Hefting the tray , he sidled into the room sideways and took one look at her white face . " Ash , honey … It 's the morgue … " she whispered . The happiness he had felt earlier was abruptly siphoned away as he processed those three words through his brain over and over … The morgue … He didn 't realize when the heavy tray tumbled out of his suddenly limp grasp . He didn 't hear May 's shriek of surprise when it crashed against the ground with the sound of shattering dishes , or feel the scalding tea burn against his leg as it fell . He moved as if in a dream towards the phone , not registering the tread of broken china under his feet or the worried words of his wife . He reached out , blindly , towards the waiting phone . " H - hello ? " he asked , his throat suddenly dry . " Yes ; Mr . Ketchum , I presume ? My name is Arata Ukiyo , and I 'm an attendant here at the morgue . I 'm so sorry to call at this time in the morning , but the body of a young woman was discovered on the riverbank last night and we believe that you can identify her . Can we expect you down here shortly ? " " It 's quite simple , Mr . Ketchum , " Mr . Ukiyo said soothingly . " We only need you to state if you know her or not . If it will help you to prepare yourself , I can give you her name now . It 's only whether you knew her or not that really matters . " " Her name was Dawn , " he said . Ash jerked his head backwards in surprise . " Dawn , " he muttered darkly , before returning his attention to the conversation at hand . " Thank you , Mr . Ukiyo , I 'll be at the morgue soon , " he said , hanging up the phone before the attendant had a chance to respond . He stared into space for a moment . The despair that he had felt from the moment that May had told him it was the morgue had already vanished . Instead of despair , he felt his heart fill with a kind of savage glee . The emotion surprised him momentarily , but as dark memories of the past began to flood his consciousness he felt more and more glad by the news . " Ash ? " May asked , but he didn 't hear her . " So she 's dead , " he muttered , " gone from my life forever . " He paused , trying to sum up his emotions . " Good riddance , " he spat . " Ash ! " May snapped , jerking him out of his thoughts . He turned and looked at her , a hard expression on his face . He was surprised to see a worried expression on her face . " Who was she , and what did she do to you ? " May asked softly . " I 've never seen you so filled with hate . " Ash gazed into her cool , sapphire eyes for a moment , allowing them to relax him briefly . " She was a Coordinator from Twinleaf Town , " he said monotonously , turning away from her face . " I met her when I first travelled into Sinnoh , only a few days after you left for Johto . She was a fun kid , and she had lots of energy . She was like a little sister to me . She supported me in my Gyms , and I did the same in her Contests . " He paused for a moment . " And then things changed . " " I had a rival , Paul . He was the most arrogant person that I ever met . He was very harsh when he trained his Pokemon , and he claimed that it was because they wanted it that way . His favourite technique was to get five of his Pokemon attack his sixth at the same time . He said it made their attacks stronger , having to dodge or counter five attacks instead of just one . " " He was nasty towards me , always calling me pathetic , " Ash continued . " He wasn 't as bad with Dawn , although he still hurt her feelings on some occasions . For some reason he really respected Brock ; maybe it was because he used to be a Gym Leader , I don 't know . Thing is , after a couple of months Dawn began to change when she was around him . " It started out with little things . When he insulted me , Dawn didn 't get back in his face like she used to . Once , we challenged a Gym at the same time , and she just watched him battle . The next time that happened , she cheered for him . It came to a head one day when I battled against Paul in the countryside . Dawn took his side , over mine . I was hurt , and didn 't speak to her for the rest of the day . When Brock and I woke up the next morning , she was gone . The only thing that she left was a note saying that she had fallen in love with Paul , and she was going to spend the rest of her life with him . " I never saw her again . " " Oh , Honey , " May sympathized , squeezing his hand . " For some reason , she decided to keep in contact with Brock . After Sinnoh , when he went back to the Gym , he got a letter from her . She wrote to him every couple of weeks . I never got any mail , even though I tried to get back in touch with her through her mother . I got tired of it eventually , and just stopped trying . " " What did you do then ? " May asked . " I wanted to know what she and Brock were talking about , " Ash answered . " He 'd kept all of her letters , so while he was out one day I went into his room and read them . " He shook his head in disgust . " By the time she was twelve , she was pregnant . She couldn 't handle it , so she went and had an abortion ; Paul never found out about that . When Johanna , her mother , was sick with cancer , Dawn didn 't even visit once . Johanna died without seeing her daughter . " And then , a couple of years ago , she killed Paul . She hit him over the head with a frozen Farfetch 'd and broke his skull . " " No kidding . There was a criminal trial of course , but somehow she managed to walk away without penalty . Brock was her key character witness . " " And that 's why you two have fallen out of contact , " May realized . " Yep . Make no mistake , I hated Paul . I hated who he was , and how he treated his Pokemon . But nobody deserves to die like that , hit over the head by a frozen bird . " He sighed . " I just can 't understand how he could take the side of a killer . " " I 'm sure he had his reasons , " May said softly . " After all that happened , " Ash continued , ignoring her , " all of her Pokemon left her , even her starter . Some went back into the wilderness ; Prinplup was adopted by Brock 's mother , and her Pachirisu by Brock . Her Buneary and Ambipom decided to come and find me . " He raised his arm to knock on the door , but paused . He swallowed nervously and closed his eyes for a moment . Even though she was gone , he hated Dawn . He hated her for what she had to done to her family , her friends , and her Pokemon . But although he was glad that she would never cause harm or trouble to any more people , beneath his wrath a small prick of sympathy and affection remained for his fallen friend . No matter how much he inwardly raged at her past actions , he didn 't want to see her lifeless , unmoving body outstretched on that cold , steel table in a clean , white body bag . He opened his eyes , trying to banish the demons from the past that kept flitting to the forefront of his mind . Unbidden images stole into his mind 's eye . Running past a frightened girl in a pink skirt , distracting Team Rocket from attacking her with a tentacled machine … Comforting her after a devastating Contest loss … Running up a long , winding staircase with her at his side , both desperately trying to reach the top and stop the mad battle of two legendary Pokemon … trading her his Aipom for her Buizel , a trade that they had thought marked a true , unshakeable friendship … Darker memories began to pour in , and though he tried his hardest to tear his gaze away from those nightmares , he couldn 't avoid seeing his past . An exclamation of delight when a Magmar 's Fire Punch collided with Staravia … a heated argument , leading to his sleeping in the next field over … a sharp slap colliding with his face that seemed to resonate within the woods … shouting that made even Pikachu run for cover , flying flecks of spittle landing on both their faces … waking up one morning to discover that she , along with her tent and sleeping bag , had vanished during the night , leaving only a short note weighted down with rocks ; the only sign that Dawn had ever existed as a member of their travelling group … The memories , both good and bad , flooded his consciousness until at last , eventually , they vanished , leaving him standing alone on the doorstep , white and shaking , as a cruel breeze whistled around his body . He had tried for years to forget that past , but he realized now that it was time to confront his demons . He couldn 't hide forever ; he had run , and the past had caught him . Now he had to put it behind him forever , and if the only way to do that was to see her dead body gazing emptily towards the ceiling , then so be it . " In here , sir , " Arata Ukiyo gestured , unlocking an old , metal door to their left . Ash followed him inside and gazed around the large , dark room with sadness . His eyes alighted on a dark mass at the centre of the room , and when Ukiyo flicked on the lights he saw that it was a white body bag resting on a long , stainless steel table . He approached slowly , nervously , trying to brace himself for what he knew was next . Ukiyo moved to one side of the body bag and rested his hands on the zipper . He looked up at Ash , compassion in his eyes as he asked the next question . Ash took a deep breath , trying to fight down the inner terror that was rising within him . Nodding , he steeled himself for what was to come . " Yes , " he said . Ukiyo grasped the zipper and drew it swiftly downwards , stopping when her head and neck was uncovered . Ash gazed down at the dead girl and felt something within him break . Tears began leaking out from the corners of his eyes as he saw her familiar blue hair , her empty blue eyes . Despite himself , he almost smiled as he looked down on her . Even in the moment of her death , she was smiling the familiar grin that rarely left her face . " Do you know this person ? " Ukiyo asked softly . Ash looked down on her a moment more before responding . " I told you on the phone , " he said , glancing down at the dead girl . " She drowned . We 're lucky that she washed up on the banks . A couple more hours in the water and her features would have bloated . We 'd have had to identify her through her teeth . " He took one look at Ash 's heaving chest and immediately regretted his words . " She had a bag tied to her waist , " Ukiyo answered . " It was waterproof , and we opened it to see if she had any identification in there . The only thing that we found was a note addressed to you . My assistant checked the Town Records to see if you lived in the vicinity , and when we found your number I called you . " " A note … " Ash muttered , shaking his head at the irony . " She let us know by a note the first time too " He sighed and looked up at the ceiling . " You never can escape the past , " he mused . " Sir , " Ukiyo said hesitantly . " We didn 't dispose of the note . Since it was addressed to you , we felt it would be wrong if you didn 't have the chance to read it . We put it in the next room , along with her shoes and hat . Would you like me to . . ? " Ash sighed again . " What choice do I have ? " he asked . " If she left me a note , she obviously wants me to read it . " Ukiyo nodded and slipped into the next room , quickly returning with an envelope in his hand . He handed it to Ash and patted him gently on the back once , just once . He silently left the room , leaving Ash alone with the corpse . He turned the envelope over and saw his name written on the front , each letter painstakingly crafted in Dawn 's calligraphy . He turned the envelope around again and slit it open gently . Looking briefly at the body of the girl who had written it , he slid out several sheets of thin paper . He unfolded them and began to read . If you 're reading this , then it probably means that I 'm dead . To be honest , I 'm surprised that I 've lived long enough to write this note . Looking back at my life , sometimes it feels as if everything that I 've done has been a mistake . One of my biggest mistakes was in not replying to your letters . They were all delivered safely , but at the time I just couldn 't bear to try and keep in touch with you , not after what had happened . By the time I felt ready to write back , it was too late ; your last letter to me made that very clear . Maybe if I 'd written back to you sooner things would be different , but I 've always had the feeling that nothing much would change about the way my life turned out . There is something I have to tell you that I have kept a secret from all but one . From the moment that I met you , I knew you were somebody special . It didn 't take me long to realize that I 'd fallen in love with you . Yes , Ash , I loved you ; I still do . From the moment that I saw you risking your life to try and save Pikachu , to now as I write this letter , I have yearned for you with all that my heart has to offer . I knew from the start that it would only lead to unhappiness , too . I don 't know if you were aware of it , but I could see that your heart was already given to somebody else . I knew that you would never love me in the same way that I do you , but I had to try and win your heart away . At one point I even thought about leaving you and Brock to travel on my own . It was painful being with you , knowing that you would never reciprocate my feelings . But not being with you would have been even more painful . Although I am ashamed to admit it , I tried everything I could think of to win your heart , but nothing seemed to work . At the end , desperate , I tried to make you jealous by cheering for Paul . I thought it had worked at first , but then I realized that you weren 't jealous because I was cheering for him ; you were angry that I was supporting your enemy . I regret that moment more than anything else in my life . Every waking moment of every day after that , you were cold to me . I knew that you thought I had betrayed you , and I knew that I had brought it on myself , but my competitive side wouldn 't let me back down in arguments . I know that it 's years too late , but I am sorry that I slapped you all that time ago . One night , a few days before I left you and Brock , I left the Pokemon Centre for some fresh air . I was standing outside the doors when Paul and his Tropius surprised me . He said that I was looking very sad , so he showed me his Tropius 's Sweet Scent to try and cheer me up . I suddenly felt really calm and happy , and then he told me that he loved me . I know now that he didn 't love me ; he saw a weakness in you , his rival , and did everything that he could to exploit it ; namely getting me to leave you and travel with him . He saw a girl who was sick for lack of love , and used Sweet Scent and his sickly charm to exploit that illness . The day I left , the two of you battled and his Tropius ended up winning . I should have realized why he used Sweet Scent during the battle , but I didn 't . It enchanted me for the rest of tI 'm sure you heard from Brock about some of the things that happened to me as time went on ; when I was 12 , I was pregnant . It wasn 't from anything that I did willingly . I woke up one night screaming in pain . I was confused , and then a hand clamped on my mouth and pushed my head down . I realized then that Paul was raping me . It happened several times , and I couldn 't do anything to stop it . Eventually my stomach started to swell , and I realized that I was pregnant before I 'd even had my first period . I thought about having an abortion , but I couldn 't bear to do that . It didn 't matter in the end ; my body couldn 't handle the baby inside , and I miscarried . I don 't want you to think that I didn 't care about my mother 's death either . By that time Paul had retired and bought a house , and I moved in with him . I hated him more than anything , but I had no other place I could go to . I was sure that my mother had heard of my " betrayal " , and I was afraid she would disown me ; both Zoey and Kenny had when they found out . Paul was the one who got the letters from you and Brock telling me about her cancer . He hid them and never told me about it . I didn 't find out she had died until after the funeral , when I found one of the letters in his desk . He was out at the time , so I started to make dinner . When he came in , I confronted him about it . His only answer was a slap to my face . Then he started beating me , shouting that he 'd done so much for me , and that I never did anything in return . When I heard that , I just snapped and grabbed the Farfetch 'd I 'd taken out of the freezer to thaw . I just wanted to protect myself and try to get away . I didn 't mean to swing the bird so hard ; I didn 't want it to hit him in the head . I just wanted to escape . He hit the ground and didn 't move . All of my Pokemon ran in from the backyard and saw him lying in a pool of blood , and the smashed Farfetch 'd in my hand . They all thought I 'd murdered him in cold blood . None of them , not even Prinplup , wanted anything toThrough everything that had happened to me , good and bad , my Pokemon had stayed by my side , supporting and comforting me . I had never truly been alone before . When they left , I learned what it was like to be all alone in the world . I had no friends and no family left . I lost the will to live . If it wasn 't for Brock during my trial , I would have lost my case . I know that you didn 't go , and I can 't blame you for it . Brock was the only person who had kept in contact with me . He was the only one who knew what I had gone through with Paul . He came up for a surprise visit once , before Paul died . I told him about everything , including my love for you . He understood , too . He was able to tell the jury everything that Paul had done to me , and they acquitted me under a charge of self - defence . Ash , I know that you haven 't spoken to him since he testified . Please , don 't hold it against him . During the trial , I didn 't care if I was found innocent or guilty . I only wanted it all to be over . Brock was a true friend . He stood by me , arguing my innocence for all his worth . All he wanted was for the truth to be heard . You probably thought he was taking the side of the murderer , not the victim . That wasn 't the case . It took me a long time , but I finally managed to find out your address . I 've been travelling through the country to reach you for a long time . Every time I fall asleep , I relive my past . I have no will to eat , or to drink . I don 't even feel warmth or cold anymore . The only thing that 's driving me on is the need to get this message to you ; to see your face for one last time . If I can do that , I will be able to die happy . I have never stopped loving you , and I never will . Ash lowered the last page of the letter . His arms shook with grief , and his eyes shone with unshed tears . Only now , when it was too late , did he finally know the truth . " Oh Dawn … " he whispered . " All of these years … you loved me and you never said anything . All of those fights we had … all of that pain … years of anguish and torment . Why couldn 't you tell me ? Why ? " Slowly , he moved forwards and looked down on the face of the girl who had loved him ; who he knew loved him still . He unzipped the remainder of the bag and clasped one of her cold hands in his . His eyes sought out the small smile on her face , and he felt a sudden surge of emotion . This time , he didn 't try to hold it back . The tears surged from his eyes , splashing down his arms and onto her chest . " I 'm sorry Dawn , " he sobbed . " I 'm so sorry that I didn 't understand . " He stayed that way until his tears were exhausted . He looked away from her , took a deep , shuddering breath , and regained his composure . " At least … at least you died happy , even without seeing me again , " he said softly , his voice quavering slightly as he traced the outline of her smile . He leaned forwards and gently kissed his dead friend on the lips . Straightening slowly , he took one last look at her and began walking towards the door , folding his letter and placing it securely in his pocket as he went . He placed a hand on the door handle and paused . " I did love you Dawn , " he said . " I was just too blind to see it . " May greeted him as he arrived home . She looked at him , concerned . He had left the house with an air of forced happiness , but now he appeared exhausted , distraught . She hurried off to the kitchen to make a hot drink , but his voice compelled her to stop . Ash strode through the double doors , his heart bursting with joy . His jacket was slung over one shoulder as he moved quickly down the hallway , looking for a payphone . It took him several moments , but he was finally able to find a free one . He grabbed a coin , ready to insert it in the pay slot , and hesitated . It had been so long … what if he didn 't want to hear a word of it ? He swallowed and pushed in the coin , punching the digits in quickly . If there was one thing he knew now , if he kept on waiting it would be too late . " Brock , I … I 'm sorry for everything that I said . I was wrong . You were just being the friend that she deserved . The friend that I should have been to both of you . " " What 's this about , Ash ? " Brock asked slowly , stiffly . Ash stopped , trying to gather his thoughts . " I know May called you about Dawn , " he said . " I don 't know how much she told you but I … I learned the truth . It may be years too late , but I know now that I was wrong about her , and about you . I 'm sorry . " There was a rush of static on the line , and Ash realized that Brock was sighing . " Ash , " he said , beginning to sound a little more like his old self , " how long have we been friends ? Do you think I could stay mad at you , after all that you 've been through ? We were both at fault ; I should have told you everything years ago , when Dawn asked me too . " Ash smiled , relief breaking across his face . " There 's something I have to tell you , " he said . " It 's about me and May . " " What ! ? " Brock shouted , stunned . " Brock , I want you to be her Godfather , " he said . " A - are you serious ? " Brock asked , his voice cracking . " I 'm honoured , " Brock said sincerely , all the hurt he had felt since the trial melting away at the news . " Can I ask what her name is ? " Ash paused a moment , trying to quell the emotion that had suddenly sprung into his chest . It 's rare for me , as an aspiring author , to be completely satisifed with what I have done . This story is no different , although I am much happier with this than with most of my work . In Reaching Out , I tried to be as emotional as possible . In this story , Searching for Truth , I wasn 't deliberately trying to be emotional , but I think it turned out a heartjerker ; I 'm definitely much more satisfied with it than Reaching Out . Is on Fanfiction . net . Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest ? PM me ! Don 't reply to my infractions . It 's not gonna change anything . Random friend requests do nothing . Let 's actually talk first . >_< Posts 656 Wow , Matkin . Despite my heart - broken feeling of this story not ending as Pearlshipping realistically , I must say you 've executed a magnificent story here from " Reaching Out " to this . Doesn 't look like there will be a sequel , but nobody except the author knows that . Doesn 't seem any monsters were involved in this story at all , even if you mentioned Dawn 's monsters leaving her . Not even Pikachu was mentioned . I was wondering what Ash , May , Brock , and even Paul 's Pokemon went off to in the story . Well , those are my thoughts of the story . Can 't review this story because I 'm no good at reviews . All I can say , I hope to see more stories from you , Matkin .
|
This is the sequel to Reaching Out , so if you haven 't read that one yet , I recommend that you do ! This story is a Pearlshipping story . It is pretty short , and will be four - five chapters at the absolute most . I promise that it will still be good , though Dawn 's first light slowly began to creep in through a tight gap in the curtains . It flitted across the bedroom and alighted on the bedspread . The light crawled slowly along the length of the bed , finally halting on a face obscured by mussed black hair . The figure 's only reactions to the invasive light were a slight twitch of the eye , and a subtle shifting of position so that the light landed instead on the silky soft brown forelocks of the woman who lay alongside him . The man grumbled as the phone let loose an early ring , disturbing him from a contented sleep . It rang again , and he reached out blindly towards the phone . He lifted the receiver slightly in the midst of a third jangle , before swiftly replacing it . With a contented sigh he let his arm drop against the side of the bed and snuggled deeper under the covers , twisting slightly so that his chin rested against the woman 's silky brown locks . He breathed deeply , inhaling the heady scent of her hair that always reminded him of the slightly tropical climate of her native Hoenn . Sleepily , she brushed her hair out of her eyes and looked at him with partly - closed eyes . " No clue , " he shrugged , allowing his fingers to ply dexterously through the folds of her long tresses . " It 's too early for a phone call so I just hung up . Probably just another prank - calling kid . " She yawned again and managed to drag herself into a sitting position , the pillows rumpling up behind her back . " Not a chance , " he said , looking at her distended , pregnant belly with a smile . " There 's only a couple of weeks until you 're due , and you shouldn 't overtax yourself so early when you 're so tired . " She opened her mouth to protest , but he forestalled her with a wave of his hand . " Besides , " he continued , " I was going to make you breakfast in bed today . How does tea , toast , and hot cereal sound ? " She sighed and closed her eyes . " That sounds wonderful , " she said dreamily , relaxing against the pillows . The phone rang again as he rolled out of bed and pulled on his sleep pants and slippers . " Ignore it , " she said , opening her eyes . " If it 's important , they 'll call back later . " He smiled and walked around the bed , leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek . He moved to the door , pausing at the opening for a brief moment to look back at his wife . Her eyes were closed once more , her arms draped protectively across her large stomach . He felt a shudder of joy at the sight of her , and the small miracle that she carried within . Quietly , he left the room and moved down the hallway of the bungalow , slipping into the kitchen . He leaned against a wall and looked out the window . The sun was still low in the horizon , the sky a pale gold wherever it 's shining rays touched . The cool grass shone with an early frost , and a pair of Ledian flew swiftly around the flowerbed one last before beginning their journey south . It was a beautiful day . Posts 102 Here is Part Two . This was originally only going to be a twoshot , but it looks like it will now have four chapters . Hope you enjoy . He carefully manoeuvred his way from the kitchen into the hall , balancing the laden try with difficulty and shaking his head as the phone rang yet again . Who on earth could be so insistent this early in the morning ? he wondered . As he made his way down the hallway , the phone cut off in mid - ring and he heard his wife 's muffled voice . Hefting the tray , he sidled into the room sideways and took one look at her white face . " Ash , honey … It 's the morgue … " she whispered . The happiness he had felt earlier was abruptly siphoned away as he processed those three words through his brain over and over … The morgue … He didn 't realize when the heavy tray tumbled out of his suddenly limp grasp . He didn 't hear May 's shriek of surprise when it crashed against the ground with the sound of shattering dishes , or feel the scalding tea burn against his leg as it fell . He moved as if in a dream towards the phone , not registering the tread of broken china under his feet or the worried words of his wife . He reached out , blindly , towards the waiting phone . " H - hello ? " he asked , his throat suddenly dry . " Yes ; Mr . Ketchum , I presume ? My name is Arata Ukiyo , and I 'm an attendant here at the morgue . I 'm so sorry to call at this time in the morning , but the body of a young woman was discovered on the riverbank last night and we believe that you can identify her . Can we expect you down here shortly ? " " It 's quite simple , Mr . Ketchum , " Mr . Ukiyo said soothingly . " We only need you to state if you know her or not . If it will help you to prepare yourself , I can give you her name now . It 's only whether you knew her or not that really matters . " " Her name was Dawn , " he said . Ash jerked his head backwards in surprise . " Dawn , " he muttered darkly , before returning his attention to the conversation at hand . " Thank you , Mr . Ukiyo , I 'll be at the morgue soon , " he said , hanging up the phone before the attendant had a chance to respond . He stared into space for a moment . The despair that he had felt from the moment that May had told him it was the morgue had already vanished . Instead of despair , he felt his heart fill with a kind of savage glee . The emotion surprised him momentarily , but as dark memories of the past began to flood his consciousness he felt more and more glad by the news . " Ash ? " May asked , but he didn 't hear her . " So she 's dead , " he muttered , " gone from my life forever . " He paused , trying to sum up his emotions . " Good riddance , " he spat . " Ash ! " May snapped , jerking him out of his thoughts . He turned and looked at her , a hard expression on his face . He was surprised to see a worried expression on her face . " Who was she , and what did she do to you ? " May asked softly . " I 've never seen you so filled with hate . " Ash gazed into her cool , sapphire eyes for a moment , allowing them to relax him briefly . " She was a Coordinator from Twinleaf Town , " he said monotonously , turning away from her face . " I met her when I first travelled into Sinnoh , only a few days after you left for Johto . She was a fun kid , and she had lots of energy . She was like a little sister to me . She supported me in my Gyms , and I did the same in her Contests . " He paused for a moment . " And then things changed . " " I had a rival , Paul . He was the most arrogant person that I ever met . He was very harsh when he trained his Pokemon , and he claimed that it was because they wanted it that way . His favourite technique was to get five of his Pokemon attack his sixth at the same time . He said it made their attacks stronger , having to dodge or counter five attacks instead of just one . " " He was nasty towards me , always calling me pathetic , " Ash continued . " He wasn 't as bad with Dawn , although he still hurt her feelings on some occasions . For some reason he really respected Brock ; maybe it was because he used to be a Gym Leader , I don 't know . Thing is , after a couple of months Dawn began to change when she was around him . " It started out with little things . When he insulted me , Dawn didn 't get back in his face like she used to . Once , we challenged a Gym at the same time , and she just watched him battle . The next time that happened , she cheered for him . It came to a head one day when I battled against Paul in the countryside . Dawn took his side , over mine . I was hurt , and didn 't speak to her for the rest of the day . When Brock and I woke up the next morning , she was gone . The only thing that she left was a note saying that she had fallen in love with Paul , and she was going to spend the rest of her life with him . " I never saw her again . " " Oh , Honey , " May sympathized , squeezing his hand . " For some reason , she decided to keep in contact with Brock . After Sinnoh , when he went back to the Gym , he got a letter from her . She wrote to him every couple of weeks . I never got any mail , even though I tried to get back in touch with her through her mother . I got tired of it eventually , and just stopped trying . " " What did you do then ? " May asked . " I wanted to know what she and Brock were talking about , " Ash answered . " He 'd kept all of her letters , so while he was out one day I went into his room and read them . " He shook his head in disgust . " By the time she was twelve , she was pregnant . She couldn 't handle it , so she went and had an abortion ; Paul never found out about that . When Johanna , her mother , was sick with cancer , Dawn didn 't even visit once . Johanna died without seeing her daughter . " And then , a couple of years ago , she killed Paul . She hit him over the head with a frozen Farfetch 'd and broke his skull . " " No kidding . There was a criminal trial of course , but somehow she managed to walk away without penalty . Brock was her key character witness . " " And that 's why you two have fallen out of contact , " May realized . " Yep . Make no mistake , I hated Paul . I hated who he was , and how he treated his Pokemon . But nobody deserves to die like that , hit over the head by a frozen bird . " He sighed . " I just can 't understand how he could take the side of a killer . " " I 'm sure he had his reasons , " May said softly . " After all that happened , " Ash continued , ignoring her , " all of her Pokemon left her , even her starter . Some went back into the wilderness ; Prinplup was adopted by Brock 's mother , and her Pachirisu by Brock . Her Buneary and Ambipom decided to come and find me . " He raised his arm to knock on the door , but paused . He swallowed nervously and closed his eyes for a moment . Even though she was gone , he hated Dawn . He hated her for what she had to done to her family , her friends , and her Pokemon . But although he was glad that she would never cause harm or trouble to any more people , beneath his wrath a small prick of sympathy and affection remained for his fallen friend . No matter how much he inwardly raged at her past actions , he didn 't want to see her lifeless , unmoving body outstretched on that cold , steel table in a clean , white body bag . He opened his eyes , trying to banish the demons from the past that kept flitting to the forefront of his mind . Unbidden images stole into his mind 's eye . Running past a frightened girl in a pink skirt , distracting Team Rocket from attacking her with a tentacled machine … Comforting her after a devastating Contest loss … Running up a long , winding staircase with her at his side , both desperately trying to reach the top and stop the mad battle of two legendary Pokemon … trading her his Aipom for her Buizel , a trade that they had thought marked a true , unshakeable friendship … Darker memories began to pour in , and though he tried his hardest to tear his gaze away from those nightmares , he couldn 't avoid seeing his past . An exclamation of delight when a Magmar 's Fire Punch collided with Staravia … a heated argument , leading to his sleeping in the next field over … a sharp slap colliding with his face that seemed to resonate within the woods … shouting that made even Pikachu run for cover , flying flecks of spittle landing on both their faces … waking up one morning to discover that she , along with her tent and sleeping bag , had vanished during the night , leaving only a short note weighted down with rocks ; the only sign that Dawn had ever existed as a member of their travelling group … The memories , both good and bad , flooded his consciousness until at last , eventually , they vanished , leaving him standing alone on the doorstep , white and shaking , as a cruel breeze whistled around his body . He had tried for years to forget that past , but he realized now that it was time to confront his demons . He couldn 't hide forever ; he had run , and the past had caught him . Now he had to put it behind him forever , and if the only way to do that was to see her dead body gazing emptily towards the ceiling , then so be it . " In here , sir , " Arata Ukiyo gestured , unlocking an old , metal door to their left . Ash followed him inside and gazed around the large , dark room with sadness . His eyes alighted on a dark mass at the centre of the room , and when Ukiyo flicked on the lights he saw that it was a white body bag resting on a long , stainless steel table . He approached slowly , nervously , trying to brace himself for what he knew was next . Ukiyo moved to one side of the body bag and rested his hands on the zipper . He looked up at Ash , compassion in his eyes as he asked the next question . Ash took a deep breath , trying to fight down the inner terror that was rising within him . Nodding , he steeled himself for what was to come . " Yes , " he said . Ukiyo grasped the zipper and drew it swiftly downwards , stopping when her head and neck was uncovered . Ash gazed down at the dead girl and felt something within him break . Tears began leaking out from the corners of his eyes as he saw her familiar blue hair , her empty blue eyes . Despite himself , he almost smiled as he looked down on her . Even in the moment of her death , she was smiling the familiar grin that rarely left her face . " Do you know this person ? " Ukiyo asked softly . Ash looked down on her a moment more before responding . " I told you on the phone , " he said , glancing down at the dead girl . " She drowned . We 're lucky that she washed up on the banks . A couple more hours in the water and her features would have bloated . We 'd have had to identify her through her teeth . " He took one look at Ash 's heaving chest and immediately regretted his words . " She had a bag tied to her waist , " Ukiyo answered . " It was waterproof , and we opened it to see if she had any identification in there . The only thing that we found was a note addressed to you . My assistant checked the Town Records to see if you lived in the vicinity , and when we found your number I called you . " " A note … " Ash muttered , shaking his head at the irony . " She let us know by a note the first time too " He sighed and looked up at the ceiling . " You never can escape the past , " he mused . " Sir , " Ukiyo said hesitantly . " We didn 't dispose of the note . Since it was addressed to you , we felt it would be wrong if you didn 't have the chance to read it . We put it in the next room , along with her shoes and hat . Would you like me to . . ? " Ash sighed again . " What choice do I have ? " he asked . " If she left me a note , she obviously wants me to read it . " Ukiyo nodded and slipped into the next room , quickly returning with an envelope in his hand . He handed it to Ash and patted him gently on the back once , just once . He silently left the room , leaving Ash alone with the corpse . He turned the envelope over and saw his name written on the front , each letter painstakingly crafted in Dawn 's calligraphy . He turned the envelope around again and slit it open gently . Looking briefly at the body of the girl who had written it , he slid out several sheets of thin paper . He unfolded them and began to read . If you 're reading this , then it probably means that I 'm dead . To be honest , I 'm surprised that I 've lived long enough to write this note . Looking back at my life , sometimes it feels as if everything that I 've done has been a mistake . One of my biggest mistakes was in not replying to your letters . They were all delivered safely , but at the time I just couldn 't bear to try and keep in touch with you , not after what had happened . By the time I felt ready to write back , it was too late ; your last letter to me made that very clear . Maybe if I 'd written back to you sooner things would be different , but I 've always had the feeling that nothing much would change about the way my life turned out . There is something I have to tell you that I have kept a secret from all but one . From the moment that I met you , I knew you were somebody special . It didn 't take me long to realize that I 'd fallen in love with you . Yes , Ash , I loved you ; I still do . From the moment that I saw you risking your life to try and save Pikachu , to now as I write this letter , I have yearned for you with all that my heart has to offer . I knew from the start that it would only lead to unhappiness , too . I don 't know if you were aware of it , but I could see that your heart was already given to somebody else . I knew that you would never love me in the same way that I do you , but I had to try and win your heart away . At one point I even thought about leaving you and Brock to travel on my own . It was painful being with you , knowing that you would never reciprocate my feelings . But not being with you would have been even more painful . Although I am ashamed to admit it , I tried everything I could think of to win your heart , but nothing seemed to work . At the end , desperate , I tried to make you jealous by cheering for Paul . I thought it had worked at first , but then I realized that you weren 't jealous because I was cheering for him ; you were angry that I was supporting your enemy . I regret that moment more than anything else in my life . Every waking moment of every day after that , you were cold to me . I knew that you thought I had betrayed you , and I knew that I had brought it on myself , but my competitive side wouldn 't let me back down in arguments . I know that it 's years too late , but I am sorry that I slapped you all that time ago . One night , a few days before I left you and Brock , I left the Pokemon Centre for some fresh air . I was standing outside the doors when Paul and his Tropius surprised me . He said that I was looking very sad , so he showed me his Tropius 's Sweet Scent to try and cheer me up . I suddenly felt really calm and happy , and then he told me that he loved me . I know now that he didn 't love me ; he saw a weakness in you , his rival , and did everything that he could to exploit it ; namely getting me to leave you and travel with him . He saw a girl who was sick for lack of love , and used Sweet Scent and his sickly charm to exploit that illness . The day I left , the two of you battled and his Tropius ended up winning . I should have realized why he used Sweet Scent during the battle , but I didn 't . It enchanted me for the rest of tI 'm sure you heard from Brock about some of the things that happened to me as time went on ; when I was 12 , I was pregnant . It wasn 't from anything that I did willingly . I woke up one night screaming in pain . I was confused , and then a hand clamped on my mouth and pushed my head down . I realized then that Paul was raping me . It happened several times , and I couldn 't do anything to stop it . Eventually my stomach started to swell , and I realized that I was pregnant before I 'd even had my first period . I thought about having an abortion , but I couldn 't bear to do that . It didn 't matter in the end ; my body couldn 't handle the baby inside , and I miscarried . I don 't want you to think that I didn 't care about my mother 's death either . By that time Paul had retired and bought a house , and I moved in with him . I hated him more than anything , but I had no other place I could go to . I was sure that my mother had heard of my " betrayal " , and I was afraid she would disown me ; both Zoey and Kenny had when they found out . Paul was the one who got the letters from you and Brock telling me about her cancer . He hid them and never told me about it . I didn 't find out she had died until after the funeral , when I found one of the letters in his desk . He was out at the time , so I started to make dinner . When he came in , I confronted him about it . His only answer was a slap to my face . Then he started beating me , shouting that he 'd done so much for me , and that I never did anything in return . When I heard that , I just snapped and grabbed the Farfetch 'd I 'd taken out of the freezer to thaw . I just wanted to protect myself and try to get away . I didn 't mean to swing the bird so hard ; I didn 't want it to hit him in the head . I just wanted to escape . He hit the ground and didn 't move . All of my Pokemon ran in from the backyard and saw him lying in a pool of blood , and the smashed Farfetch 'd in my hand . They all thought I 'd murdered him in cold blood . None of them , not even Prinplup , wanted anything toThrough everything that had happened to me , good and bad , my Pokemon had stayed by my side , supporting and comforting me . I had never truly been alone before . When they left , I learned what it was like to be all alone in the world . I had no friends and no family left . I lost the will to live . If it wasn 't for Brock during my trial , I would have lost my case . I know that you didn 't go , and I can 't blame you for it . Brock was the only person who had kept in contact with me . He was the only one who knew what I had gone through with Paul . He came up for a surprise visit once , before Paul died . I told him about everything , including my love for you . He understood , too . He was able to tell the jury everything that Paul had done to me , and they acquitted me under a charge of self - defence . Ash , I know that you haven 't spoken to him since he testified . Please , don 't hold it against him . During the trial , I didn 't care if I was found innocent or guilty . I only wanted it all to be over . Brock was a true friend . He stood by me , arguing my innocence for all his worth . All he wanted was for the truth to be heard . You probably thought he was taking the side of the murderer , not the victim . That wasn 't the case . It took me a long time , but I finally managed to find out your address . I 've been travelling through the country to reach you for a long time . Every time I fall asleep , I relive my past . I have no will to eat , or to drink . I don 't even feel warmth or cold anymore . The only thing that 's driving me on is the need to get this message to you ; to see your face for one last time . If I can do that , I will be able to die happy . I have never stopped loving you , and I never will . Ash lowered the last page of the letter . His arms shook with grief , and his eyes shone with unshed tears . Only now , when it was too late , did he finally know the truth . " Oh Dawn … " he whispered . " All of these years … you loved me and you never said anything . All of those fights we had … all of that pain … years of anguish and torment . Why couldn 't you tell me ? Why ? " Slowly , he moved forwards and looked down on the face of the girl who had loved him ; who he knew loved him still . He unzipped the remainder of the bag and clasped one of her cold hands in his . His eyes sought out the small smile on her face , and he felt a sudden surge of emotion . This time , he didn 't try to hold it back . The tears surged from his eyes , splashing down his arms and onto her chest . " I 'm sorry Dawn , " he sobbed . " I 'm so sorry that I didn 't understand . " He stayed that way until his tears were exhausted . He looked away from her , took a deep , shuddering breath , and regained his composure . " At least … at least you died happy , even without seeing me again , " he said softly , his voice quavering slightly as he traced the outline of her smile . He leaned forwards and gently kissed his dead friend on the lips . Straightening slowly , he took one last look at her and began walking towards the door , folding his letter and placing it securely in his pocket as he went . He placed a hand on the door handle and paused . " I did love you Dawn , " he said . " I was just too blind to see it . " May greeted him as he arrived home . She looked at him , concerned . He had left the house with an air of forced happiness , but now he appeared exhausted , distraught . She hurried off to the kitchen to make a hot drink , but his voice compelled her to stop . Ash strode through the double doors , his heart bursting with joy . His jacket was slung over one shoulder as he moved quickly down the hallway , looking for a payphone . It took him several moments , but he was finally able to find a free one . He grabbed a coin , ready to insert it in the pay slot , and hesitated . It had been so long … what if he didn 't want to hear a word of it ? He swallowed and pushed in the coin , punching the digits in quickly . If there was one thing he knew now , if he kept on waiting it would be too late . " Brock , I … I 'm sorry for everything that I said . I was wrong . You were just being the friend that she deserved . The friend that I should have been to both of you . " " What 's this about , Ash ? " Brock asked slowly , stiffly . Ash stopped , trying to gather his thoughts . " I know May called you about Dawn , " he said . " I don 't know how much she told you but I … I learned the truth . It may be years too late , but I know now that I was wrong about her , and about you . I 'm sorry . " There was a rush of static on the line , and Ash realized that Brock was sighing . " Ash , " he said , beginning to sound a little more like his old self , " how long have we been friends ? Do you think I could stay mad at you , after all that you 've been through ? We were both at fault ; I should have told you everything years ago , when Dawn asked me too . " Ash smiled , relief breaking across his face . " There 's something I have to tell you , " he said . " It 's about me and May . " " What ! ? " Brock shouted , stunned . " Brock , I want you to be her Godfather , " he said . " A - are you serious ? " Brock asked , his voice cracking . " I 'm honoured , " Brock said sincerely , all the hurt he had felt since the trial melting away at the news . " Can I ask what her name is ? " Ash paused a moment , trying to quell the emotion that had suddenly sprung into his chest . It 's rare for me , as an aspiring author , to be completely satisifed with what I have done . This story is no different , although I am much happier with this than with most of my work . In Reaching Out , I tried to be as emotional as possible . In this story , Searching for Truth , I wasn 't deliberately trying to be emotional , but I think it turned out a heartjerker ; I 'm definitely much more satisfied with it than Reaching Out . Is on Fanfiction . net . Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest ? PM me ! Don 't reply to my infractions . It 's not gonna change anything . Random friend requests do nothing . Let 's actually talk first . >_< Posts 656 Wow , Matkin . Despite my heart - broken feeling of this story not ending as Pearlshipping realistically , I must say you 've executed a magnificent story here from " Reaching Out " to this . Doesn 't look like there will be a sequel , but nobody except the author knows that . Doesn 't seem any monsters were involved in this story at all , even if you mentioned Dawn 's monsters leaving her . Not even Pikachu was mentioned . I was wondering what Ash , May , Brock , and even Paul 's Pokemon went off to in the story . Well , those are my thoughts of the story . Can 't review this story because I 'm no good at reviews . All I can say , I hope to see more stories from you , Matkin .
|
This is the sequel to Reaching Out , so if you haven 't read that one yet , I recommend that you do ! This story is a Pearlshipping story . It is pretty short , and will be four - five chapters at the absolute most . I promise that it will still be good , though Dawn 's first light slowly began to creep in through a tight gap in the curtains . It flitted across the bedroom and alighted on the bedspread . The light crawled slowly along the length of the bed , finally halting on a face obscured by mussed black hair . The figure 's only reactions to the invasive light were a slight twitch of the eye , and a subtle shifting of position so that the light landed instead on the silky soft brown forelocks of the woman who lay alongside him . The man grumbled as the phone let loose an early ring , disturbing him from a contented sleep . It rang again , and he reached out blindly towards the phone . He lifted the receiver slightly in the midst of a third jangle , before swiftly replacing it . With a contented sigh he let his arm drop against the side of the bed and snuggled deeper under the covers , twisting slightly so that his chin rested against the woman 's silky brown locks . He breathed deeply , inhaling the heady scent of her hair that always reminded him of the slightly tropical climate of her native Hoenn . Sleepily , she brushed her hair out of her eyes and looked at him with partly - closed eyes . " No clue , " he shrugged , allowing his fingers to ply dexterously through the folds of her long tresses . " It 's too early for a phone call so I just hung up . Probably just another prank - calling kid . " She yawned again and managed to drag herself into a sitting position , the pillows rumpling up behind her back . " Not a chance , " he said , looking at her distended , pregnant belly with a smile . " There 's only a couple of weeks until you 're due , and you shouldn 't overtax yourself so early when you 're so tired . " She opened her mouth to protest , but he forestalled her with a wave of his hand . " Besides , " he continued , " I was going to make you breakfast in bed today . How does tea , toast , and hot cereal sound ? " She sighed and closed her eyes . " That sounds wonderful , " she said dreamily , relaxing against the pillows . The phone rang again as he rolled out of bed and pulled on his sleep pants and slippers . " Ignore it , " she said , opening her eyes . " If it 's important , they 'll call back later . " He smiled and walked around the bed , leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek . He moved to the door , pausing at the opening for a brief moment to look back at his wife . Her eyes were closed once more , her arms draped protectively across her large stomach . He felt a shudder of joy at the sight of her , and the small miracle that she carried within . Quietly , he left the room and moved down the hallway of the bungalow , slipping into the kitchen . He leaned against a wall and looked out the window . The sun was still low in the horizon , the sky a pale gold wherever it 's shining rays touched . The cool grass shone with an early frost , and a pair of Ledian flew swiftly around the flowerbed one last before beginning their journey south . It was a beautiful day . Posts 102 Here is Part Two . This was originally only going to be a twoshot , but it looks like it will now have four chapters . Hope you enjoy . He carefully manoeuvred his way from the kitchen into the hall , balancing the laden try with difficulty and shaking his head as the phone rang yet again . Who on earth could be so insistent this early in the morning ? he wondered . As he made his way down the hallway , the phone cut off in mid - ring and he heard his wife 's muffled voice . Hefting the tray , he sidled into the room sideways and took one look at her white face . " Ash , honey … It 's the morgue … " she whispered . The happiness he had felt earlier was abruptly siphoned away as he processed those three words through his brain over and over … The morgue … He didn 't realize when the heavy tray tumbled out of his suddenly limp grasp . He didn 't hear May 's shriek of surprise when it crashed against the ground with the sound of shattering dishes , or feel the scalding tea burn against his leg as it fell . He moved as if in a dream towards the phone , not registering the tread of broken china under his feet or the worried words of his wife . He reached out , blindly , towards the waiting phone . " H - hello ? " he asked , his throat suddenly dry . " Yes ; Mr . Ketchum , I presume ? My name is Arata Ukiyo , and I 'm an attendant here at the morgue . I 'm so sorry to call at this time in the morning , but the body of a young woman was discovered on the riverbank last night and we believe that you can identify her . Can we expect you down here shortly ? " " It 's quite simple , Mr . Ketchum , " Mr . Ukiyo said soothingly . " We only need you to state if you know her or not . If it will help you to prepare yourself , I can give you her name now . It 's only whether you knew her or not that really matters . " " Her name was Dawn , " he said . Ash jerked his head backwards in surprise . " Dawn , " he muttered darkly , before returning his attention to the conversation at hand . " Thank you , Mr . Ukiyo , I 'll be at the morgue soon , " he said , hanging up the phone before the attendant had a chance to respond . He stared into space for a moment . The despair that he had felt from the moment that May had told him it was the morgue had already vanished . Instead of despair , he felt his heart fill with a kind of savage glee . The emotion surprised him momentarily , but as dark memories of the past began to flood his consciousness he felt more and more glad by the news . " Ash ? " May asked , but he didn 't hear her . " So she 's dead , " he muttered , " gone from my life forever . " He paused , trying to sum up his emotions . " Good riddance , " he spat . " Ash ! " May snapped , jerking him out of his thoughts . He turned and looked at her , a hard expression on his face . He was surprised to see a worried expression on her face . " Who was she , and what did she do to you ? " May asked softly . " I 've never seen you so filled with hate . " Ash gazed into her cool , sapphire eyes for a moment , allowing them to relax him briefly . " She was a Coordinator from Twinleaf Town , " he said monotonously , turning away from her face . " I met her when I first travelled into Sinnoh , only a few days after you left for Johto . She was a fun kid , and she had lots of energy . She was like a little sister to me . She supported me in my Gyms , and I did the same in her Contests . " He paused for a moment . " And then things changed . " " I had a rival , Paul . He was the most arrogant person that I ever met . He was very harsh when he trained his Pokemon , and he claimed that it was because they wanted it that way . His favourite technique was to get five of his Pokemon attack his sixth at the same time . He said it made their attacks stronger , having to dodge or counter five attacks instead of just one . " " He was nasty towards me , always calling me pathetic , " Ash continued . " He wasn 't as bad with Dawn , although he still hurt her feelings on some occasions . For some reason he really respected Brock ; maybe it was because he used to be a Gym Leader , I don 't know . Thing is , after a couple of months Dawn began to change when she was around him . " It started out with little things . When he insulted me , Dawn didn 't get back in his face like she used to . Once , we challenged a Gym at the same time , and she just watched him battle . The next time that happened , she cheered for him . It came to a head one day when I battled against Paul in the countryside . Dawn took his side , over mine . I was hurt , and didn 't speak to her for the rest of the day . When Brock and I woke up the next morning , she was gone . The only thing that she left was a note saying that she had fallen in love with Paul , and she was going to spend the rest of her life with him . " I never saw her again . " " Oh , Honey , " May sympathized , squeezing his hand . " For some reason , she decided to keep in contact with Brock . After Sinnoh , when he went back to the Gym , he got a letter from her . She wrote to him every couple of weeks . I never got any mail , even though I tried to get back in touch with her through her mother . I got tired of it eventually , and just stopped trying . " " What did you do then ? " May asked . " I wanted to know what she and Brock were talking about , " Ash answered . " He 'd kept all of her letters , so while he was out one day I went into his room and read them . " He shook his head in disgust . " By the time she was twelve , she was pregnant . She couldn 't handle it , so she went and had an abortion ; Paul never found out about that . When Johanna , her mother , was sick with cancer , Dawn didn 't even visit once . Johanna died without seeing her daughter . " And then , a couple of years ago , she killed Paul . She hit him over the head with a frozen Farfetch 'd and broke his skull . " " No kidding . There was a criminal trial of course , but somehow she managed to walk away without penalty . Brock was her key character witness . " " And that 's why you two have fallen out of contact , " May realized . " Yep . Make no mistake , I hated Paul . I hated who he was , and how he treated his Pokemon . But nobody deserves to die like that , hit over the head by a frozen bird . " He sighed . " I just can 't understand how he could take the side of a killer . " " I 'm sure he had his reasons , " May said softly . " After all that happened , " Ash continued , ignoring her , " all of her Pokemon left her , even her starter . Some went back into the wilderness ; Prinplup was adopted by Brock 's mother , and her Pachirisu by Brock . Her Buneary and Ambipom decided to come and find me . " He raised his arm to knock on the door , but paused . He swallowed nervously and closed his eyes for a moment . Even though she was gone , he hated Dawn . He hated her for what she had to done to her family , her friends , and her Pokemon . But although he was glad that she would never cause harm or trouble to any more people , beneath his wrath a small prick of sympathy and affection remained for his fallen friend . No matter how much he inwardly raged at her past actions , he didn 't want to see her lifeless , unmoving body outstretched on that cold , steel table in a clean , white body bag . He opened his eyes , trying to banish the demons from the past that kept flitting to the forefront of his mind . Unbidden images stole into his mind 's eye . Running past a frightened girl in a pink skirt , distracting Team Rocket from attacking her with a tentacled machine … Comforting her after a devastating Contest loss … Running up a long , winding staircase with her at his side , both desperately trying to reach the top and stop the mad battle of two legendary Pokemon … trading her his Aipom for her Buizel , a trade that they had thought marked a true , unshakeable friendship … Darker memories began to pour in , and though he tried his hardest to tear his gaze away from those nightmares , he couldn 't avoid seeing his past . An exclamation of delight when a Magmar 's Fire Punch collided with Staravia … a heated argument , leading to his sleeping in the next field over … a sharp slap colliding with his face that seemed to resonate within the woods … shouting that made even Pikachu run for cover , flying flecks of spittle landing on both their faces … waking up one morning to discover that she , along with her tent and sleeping bag , had vanished during the night , leaving only a short note weighted down with rocks ; the only sign that Dawn had ever existed as a member of their travelling group … The memories , both good and bad , flooded his consciousness until at last , eventually , they vanished , leaving him standing alone on the doorstep , white and shaking , as a cruel breeze whistled around his body . He had tried for years to forget that past , but he realized now that it was time to confront his demons . He couldn 't hide forever ; he had run , and the past had caught him . Now he had to put it behind him forever , and if the only way to do that was to see her dead body gazing emptily towards the ceiling , then so be it . " In here , sir , " Arata Ukiyo gestured , unlocking an old , metal door to their left . Ash followed him inside and gazed around the large , dark room with sadness . His eyes alighted on a dark mass at the centre of the room , and when Ukiyo flicked on the lights he saw that it was a white body bag resting on a long , stainless steel table . He approached slowly , nervously , trying to brace himself for what he knew was next . Ukiyo moved to one side of the body bag and rested his hands on the zipper . He looked up at Ash , compassion in his eyes as he asked the next question . Ash took a deep breath , trying to fight down the inner terror that was rising within him . Nodding , he steeled himself for what was to come . " Yes , " he said . Ukiyo grasped the zipper and drew it swiftly downwards , stopping when her head and neck was uncovered . Ash gazed down at the dead girl and felt something within him break . Tears began leaking out from the corners of his eyes as he saw her familiar blue hair , her empty blue eyes . Despite himself , he almost smiled as he looked down on her . Even in the moment of her death , she was smiling the familiar grin that rarely left her face . " Do you know this person ? " Ukiyo asked softly . Ash looked down on her a moment more before responding . " I told you on the phone , " he said , glancing down at the dead girl . " She drowned . We 're lucky that she washed up on the banks . A couple more hours in the water and her features would have bloated . We 'd have had to identify her through her teeth . " He took one look at Ash 's heaving chest and immediately regretted his words . " She had a bag tied to her waist , " Ukiyo answered . " It was waterproof , and we opened it to see if she had any identification in there . The only thing that we found was a note addressed to you . My assistant checked the Town Records to see if you lived in the vicinity , and when we found your number I called you . " " A note … " Ash muttered , shaking his head at the irony . " She let us know by a note the first time too " He sighed and looked up at the ceiling . " You never can escape the past , " he mused . " Sir , " Ukiyo said hesitantly . " We didn 't dispose of the note . Since it was addressed to you , we felt it would be wrong if you didn 't have the chance to read it . We put it in the next room , along with her shoes and hat . Would you like me to . . ? " Ash sighed again . " What choice do I have ? " he asked . " If she left me a note , she obviously wants me to read it . " Ukiyo nodded and slipped into the next room , quickly returning with an envelope in his hand . He handed it to Ash and patted him gently on the back once , just once . He silently left the room , leaving Ash alone with the corpse . He turned the envelope over and saw his name written on the front , each letter painstakingly crafted in Dawn 's calligraphy . He turned the envelope around again and slit it open gently . Looking briefly at the body of the girl who had written it , he slid out several sheets of thin paper . He unfolded them and began to read . If you 're reading this , then it probably means that I 'm dead . To be honest , I 'm surprised that I 've lived long enough to write this note . Looking back at my life , sometimes it feels as if everything that I 've done has been a mistake . One of my biggest mistakes was in not replying to your letters . They were all delivered safely , but at the time I just couldn 't bear to try and keep in touch with you , not after what had happened . By the time I felt ready to write back , it was too late ; your last letter to me made that very clear . Maybe if I 'd written back to you sooner things would be different , but I 've always had the feeling that nothing much would change about the way my life turned out . There is something I have to tell you that I have kept a secret from all but one . From the moment that I met you , I knew you were somebody special . It didn 't take me long to realize that I 'd fallen in love with you . Yes , Ash , I loved you ; I still do . From the moment that I saw you risking your life to try and save Pikachu , to now as I write this letter , I have yearned for you with all that my heart has to offer . I knew from the start that it would only lead to unhappiness , too . I don 't know if you were aware of it , but I could see that your heart was already given to somebody else . I knew that you would never love me in the same way that I do you , but I had to try and win your heart away . At one point I even thought about leaving you and Brock to travel on my own . It was painful being with you , knowing that you would never reciprocate my feelings . But not being with you would have been even more painful . Although I am ashamed to admit it , I tried everything I could think of to win your heart , but nothing seemed to work . At the end , desperate , I tried to make you jealous by cheering for Paul . I thought it had worked at first , but then I realized that you weren 't jealous because I was cheering for him ; you were angry that I was supporting your enemy . I regret that moment more than anything else in my life . Every waking moment of every day after that , you were cold to me . I knew that you thought I had betrayed you , and I knew that I had brought it on myself , but my competitive side wouldn 't let me back down in arguments . I know that it 's years too late , but I am sorry that I slapped you all that time ago . One night , a few days before I left you and Brock , I left the Pokemon Centre for some fresh air . I was standing outside the doors when Paul and his Tropius surprised me . He said that I was looking very sad , so he showed me his Tropius 's Sweet Scent to try and cheer me up . I suddenly felt really calm and happy , and then he told me that he loved me . I know now that he didn 't love me ; he saw a weakness in you , his rival , and did everything that he could to exploit it ; namely getting me to leave you and travel with him . He saw a girl who was sick for lack of love , and used Sweet Scent and his sickly charm to exploit that illness . The day I left , the two of you battled and his Tropius ended up winning . I should have realized why he used Sweet Scent during the battle , but I didn 't . It enchanted me for the rest of tI 'm sure you heard from Brock about some of the things that happened to me as time went on ; when I was 12 , I was pregnant . It wasn 't from anything that I did willingly . I woke up one night screaming in pain . I was confused , and then a hand clamped on my mouth and pushed my head down . I realized then that Paul was raping me . It happened several times , and I couldn 't do anything to stop it . Eventually my stomach started to swell , and I realized that I was pregnant before I 'd even had my first period . I thought about having an abortion , but I couldn 't bear to do that . It didn 't matter in the end ; my body couldn 't handle the baby inside , and I miscarried . I don 't want you to think that I didn 't care about my mother 's death either . By that time Paul had retired and bought a house , and I moved in with him . I hated him more than anything , but I had no other place I could go to . I was sure that my mother had heard of my " betrayal " , and I was afraid she would disown me ; both Zoey and Kenny had when they found out . Paul was the one who got the letters from you and Brock telling me about her cancer . He hid them and never told me about it . I didn 't find out she had died until after the funeral , when I found one of the letters in his desk . He was out at the time , so I started to make dinner . When he came in , I confronted him about it . His only answer was a slap to my face . Then he started beating me , shouting that he 'd done so much for me , and that I never did anything in return . When I heard that , I just snapped and grabbed the Farfetch 'd I 'd taken out of the freezer to thaw . I just wanted to protect myself and try to get away . I didn 't mean to swing the bird so hard ; I didn 't want it to hit him in the head . I just wanted to escape . He hit the ground and didn 't move . All of my Pokemon ran in from the backyard and saw him lying in a pool of blood , and the smashed Farfetch 'd in my hand . They all thought I 'd murdered him in cold blood . None of them , not even Prinplup , wanted anything toThrough everything that had happened to me , good and bad , my Pokemon had stayed by my side , supporting and comforting me . I had never truly been alone before . When they left , I learned what it was like to be all alone in the world . I had no friends and no family left . I lost the will to live . If it wasn 't for Brock during my trial , I would have lost my case . I know that you didn 't go , and I can 't blame you for it . Brock was the only person who had kept in contact with me . He was the only one who knew what I had gone through with Paul . He came up for a surprise visit once , before Paul died . I told him about everything , including my love for you . He understood , too . He was able to tell the jury everything that Paul had done to me , and they acquitted me under a charge of self - defence . Ash , I know that you haven 't spoken to him since he testified . Please , don 't hold it against him . During the trial , I didn 't care if I was found innocent or guilty . I only wanted it all to be over . Brock was a true friend . He stood by me , arguing my innocence for all his worth . All he wanted was for the truth to be heard . You probably thought he was taking the side of the murderer , not the victim . That wasn 't the case . It took me a long time , but I finally managed to find out your address . I 've been travelling through the country to reach you for a long time . Every time I fall asleep , I relive my past . I have no will to eat , or to drink . I don 't even feel warmth or cold anymore . The only thing that 's driving me on is the need to get this message to you ; to see your face for one last time . If I can do that , I will be able to die happy . I have never stopped loving you , and I never will . Ash lowered the last page of the letter . His arms shook with grief , and his eyes shone with unshed tears . Only now , when it was too late , did he finally know the truth . " Oh Dawn … " he whispered . " All of these years … you loved me and you never said anything . All of those fights we had … all of that pain … years of anguish and torment . Why couldn 't you tell me ? Why ? " Slowly , he moved forwards and looked down on the face of the girl who had loved him ; who he knew loved him still . He unzipped the remainder of the bag and clasped one of her cold hands in his . His eyes sought out the small smile on her face , and he felt a sudden surge of emotion . This time , he didn 't try to hold it back . The tears surged from his eyes , splashing down his arms and onto her chest . " I 'm sorry Dawn , " he sobbed . " I 'm so sorry that I didn 't understand . " He stayed that way until his tears were exhausted . He looked away from her , took a deep , shuddering breath , and regained his composure . " At least … at least you died happy , even without seeing me again , " he said softly , his voice quavering slightly as he traced the outline of her smile . He leaned forwards and gently kissed his dead friend on the lips . Straightening slowly , he took one last look at her and began walking towards the door , folding his letter and placing it securely in his pocket as he went . He placed a hand on the door handle and paused . " I did love you Dawn , " he said . " I was just too blind to see it . " May greeted him as he arrived home . She looked at him , concerned . He had left the house with an air of forced happiness , but now he appeared exhausted , distraught . She hurried off to the kitchen to make a hot drink , but his voice compelled her to stop . Ash strode through the double doors , his heart bursting with joy . His jacket was slung over one shoulder as he moved quickly down the hallway , looking for a payphone . It took him several moments , but he was finally able to find a free one . He grabbed a coin , ready to insert it in the pay slot , and hesitated . It had been so long … what if he didn 't want to hear a word of it ? He swallowed and pushed in the coin , punching the digits in quickly . If there was one thing he knew now , if he kept on waiting it would be too late . " Brock , I … I 'm sorry for everything that I said . I was wrong . You were just being the friend that she deserved . The friend that I should have been to both of you . " " What 's this about , Ash ? " Brock asked slowly , stiffly . Ash stopped , trying to gather his thoughts . " I know May called you about Dawn , " he said . " I don 't know how much she told you but I … I learned the truth . It may be years too late , but I know now that I was wrong about her , and about you . I 'm sorry . " There was a rush of static on the line , and Ash realized that Brock was sighing . " Ash , " he said , beginning to sound a little more like his old self , " how long have we been friends ? Do you think I could stay mad at you , after all that you 've been through ? We were both at fault ; I should have told you everything years ago , when Dawn asked me too . " Ash smiled , relief breaking across his face . " There 's something I have to tell you , " he said . " It 's about me and May . " " What ! ? " Brock shouted , stunned . " Brock , I want you to be her Godfather , " he said . " A - are you serious ? " Brock asked , his voice cracking . " I 'm honoured , " Brock said sincerely , all the hurt he had felt since the trial melting away at the news . " Can I ask what her name is ? " Ash paused a moment , trying to quell the emotion that had suddenly sprung into his chest . It 's rare for me , as an aspiring author , to be completely satisifed with what I have done . This story is no different , although I am much happier with this than with most of my work . In Reaching Out , I tried to be as emotional as possible . In this story , Searching for Truth , I wasn 't deliberately trying to be emotional , but I think it turned out a heartjerker ; I 'm definitely much more satisfied with it than Reaching Out . Is on Fanfiction . net . Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest ? PM me ! Don 't reply to my infractions . It 's not gonna change anything . Random friend requests do nothing . Let 's actually talk first . >_< Posts 656 Wow , Matkin . Despite my heart - broken feeling of this story not ending as Pearlshipping realistically , I must say you 've executed a magnificent story here from " Reaching Out " to this . Doesn 't look like there will be a sequel , but nobody except the author knows that . Doesn 't seem any monsters were involved in this story at all , even if you mentioned Dawn 's monsters leaving her . Not even Pikachu was mentioned . I was wondering what Ash , May , Brock , and even Paul 's Pokemon went off to in the story . Well , those are my thoughts of the story . Can 't review this story because I 'm no good at reviews . All I can say , I hope to see more stories from you , Matkin .
|
This is the sequel to Reaching Out , so if you haven 't read that one yet , I recommend that you do ! This story is a Pearlshipping story . It is pretty short , and will be four - five chapters at the absolute most . I promise that it will still be good , though Dawn 's first light slowly began to creep in through a tight gap in the curtains . It flitted across the bedroom and alighted on the bedspread . The light crawled slowly along the length of the bed , finally halting on a face obscured by mussed black hair . The figure 's only reactions to the invasive light were a slight twitch of the eye , and a subtle shifting of position so that the light landed instead on the silky soft brown forelocks of the woman who lay alongside him . The man grumbled as the phone let loose an early ring , disturbing him from a contented sleep . It rang again , and he reached out blindly towards the phone . He lifted the receiver slightly in the midst of a third jangle , before swiftly replacing it . With a contented sigh he let his arm drop against the side of the bed and snuggled deeper under the covers , twisting slightly so that his chin rested against the woman 's silky brown locks . He breathed deeply , inhaling the heady scent of her hair that always reminded him of the slightly tropical climate of her native Hoenn . Sleepily , she brushed her hair out of her eyes and looked at him with partly - closed eyes . " No clue , " he shrugged , allowing his fingers to ply dexterously through the folds of her long tresses . " It 's too early for a phone call so I just hung up . Probably just another prank - calling kid . " She yawned again and managed to drag herself into a sitting position , the pillows rumpling up behind her back . " Not a chance , " he said , looking at her distended , pregnant belly with a smile . " There 's only a couple of weeks until you 're due , and you shouldn 't overtax yourself so early when you 're so tired . " She opened her mouth to protest , but he forestalled her with a wave of his hand . " Besides , " he continued , " I was going to make you breakfast in bed today . How does tea , toast , and hot cereal sound ? " She sighed and closed her eyes . " That sounds wonderful , " she said dreamily , relaxing against the pillows . The phone rang again as he rolled out of bed and pulled on his sleep pants and slippers . " Ignore it , " she said , opening her eyes . " If it 's important , they 'll call back later . " He smiled and walked around the bed , leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek . He moved to the door , pausing at the opening for a brief moment to look back at his wife . Her eyes were closed once more , her arms draped protectively across her large stomach . He felt a shudder of joy at the sight of her , and the small miracle that she carried within . Quietly , he left the room and moved down the hallway of the bungalow , slipping into the kitchen . He leaned against a wall and looked out the window . The sun was still low in the horizon , the sky a pale gold wherever it 's shining rays touched . The cool grass shone with an early frost , and a pair of Ledian flew swiftly around the flowerbed one last before beginning their journey south . It was a beautiful day . Posts 102 Here is Part Two . This was originally only going to be a twoshot , but it looks like it will now have four chapters . Hope you enjoy . He carefully manoeuvred his way from the kitchen into the hall , balancing the laden try with difficulty and shaking his head as the phone rang yet again . Who on earth could be so insistent this early in the morning ? he wondered . As he made his way down the hallway , the phone cut off in mid - ring and he heard his wife 's muffled voice . Hefting the tray , he sidled into the room sideways and took one look at her white face . " Ash , honey … It 's the morgue … " she whispered . The happiness he had felt earlier was abruptly siphoned away as he processed those three words through his brain over and over … The morgue … He didn 't realize when the heavy tray tumbled out of his suddenly limp grasp . He didn 't hear May 's shriek of surprise when it crashed against the ground with the sound of shattering dishes , or feel the scalding tea burn against his leg as it fell . He moved as if in a dream towards the phone , not registering the tread of broken china under his feet or the worried words of his wife . He reached out , blindly , towards the waiting phone . " H - hello ? " he asked , his throat suddenly dry . " Yes ; Mr . Ketchum , I presume ? My name is Arata Ukiyo , and I 'm an attendant here at the morgue . I 'm so sorry to call at this time in the morning , but the body of a young woman was discovered on the riverbank last night and we believe that you can identify her . Can we expect you down here shortly ? " " It 's quite simple , Mr . Ketchum , " Mr . Ukiyo said soothingly . " We only need you to state if you know her or not . If it will help you to prepare yourself , I can give you her name now . It 's only whether you knew her or not that really matters . " " Her name was Dawn , " he said . Ash jerked his head backwards in surprise . " Dawn , " he muttered darkly , before returning his attention to the conversation at hand . " Thank you , Mr . Ukiyo , I 'll be at the morgue soon , " he said , hanging up the phone before the attendant had a chance to respond . He stared into space for a moment . The despair that he had felt from the moment that May had told him it was the morgue had already vanished . Instead of despair , he felt his heart fill with a kind of savage glee . The emotion surprised him momentarily , but as dark memories of the past began to flood his consciousness he felt more and more glad by the news . " Ash ? " May asked , but he didn 't hear her . " So she 's dead , " he muttered , " gone from my life forever . " He paused , trying to sum up his emotions . " Good riddance , " he spat . " Ash ! " May snapped , jerking him out of his thoughts . He turned and looked at her , a hard expression on his face . He was surprised to see a worried expression on her face . " Who was she , and what did she do to you ? " May asked softly . " I 've never seen you so filled with hate . " Ash gazed into her cool , sapphire eyes for a moment , allowing them to relax him briefly . " She was a Coordinator from Twinleaf Town , " he said monotonously , turning away from her face . " I met her when I first travelled into Sinnoh , only a few days after you left for Johto . She was a fun kid , and she had lots of energy . She was like a little sister to me . She supported me in my Gyms , and I did the same in her Contests . " He paused for a moment . " And then things changed . " " I had a rival , Paul . He was the most arrogant person that I ever met . He was very harsh when he trained his Pokemon , and he claimed that it was because they wanted it that way . His favourite technique was to get five of his Pokemon attack his sixth at the same time . He said it made their attacks stronger , having to dodge or counter five attacks instead of just one . " " He was nasty towards me , always calling me pathetic , " Ash continued . " He wasn 't as bad with Dawn , although he still hurt her feelings on some occasions . For some reason he really respected Brock ; maybe it was because he used to be a Gym Leader , I don 't know . Thing is , after a couple of months Dawn began to change when she was around him . " It started out with little things . When he insulted me , Dawn didn 't get back in his face like she used to . Once , we challenged a Gym at the same time , and she just watched him battle . The next time that happened , she cheered for him . It came to a head one day when I battled against Paul in the countryside . Dawn took his side , over mine . I was hurt , and didn 't speak to her for the rest of the day . When Brock and I woke up the next morning , she was gone . The only thing that she left was a note saying that she had fallen in love with Paul , and she was going to spend the rest of her life with him . " I never saw her again . " " Oh , Honey , " May sympathized , squeezing his hand . " For some reason , she decided to keep in contact with Brock . After Sinnoh , when he went back to the Gym , he got a letter from her . She wrote to him every couple of weeks . I never got any mail , even though I tried to get back in touch with her through her mother . I got tired of it eventually , and just stopped trying . " " What did you do then ? " May asked . " I wanted to know what she and Brock were talking about , " Ash answered . " He 'd kept all of her letters , so while he was out one day I went into his room and read them . " He shook his head in disgust . " By the time she was twelve , she was pregnant . She couldn 't handle it , so she went and had an abortion ; Paul never found out about that . When Johanna , her mother , was sick with cancer , Dawn didn 't even visit once . Johanna died without seeing her daughter . " And then , a couple of years ago , she killed Paul . She hit him over the head with a frozen Farfetch 'd and broke his skull . " " No kidding . There was a criminal trial of course , but somehow she managed to walk away without penalty . Brock was her key character witness . " " And that 's why you two have fallen out of contact , " May realized . " Yep . Make no mistake , I hated Paul . I hated who he was , and how he treated his Pokemon . But nobody deserves to die like that , hit over the head by a frozen bird . " He sighed . " I just can 't understand how he could take the side of a killer . " " I 'm sure he had his reasons , " May said softly . " After all that happened , " Ash continued , ignoring her , " all of her Pokemon left her , even her starter . Some went back into the wilderness ; Prinplup was adopted by Brock 's mother , and her Pachirisu by Brock . Her Buneary and Ambipom decided to come and find me . " He raised his arm to knock on the door , but paused . He swallowed nervously and closed his eyes for a moment . Even though she was gone , he hated Dawn . He hated her for what she had to done to her family , her friends , and her Pokemon . But although he was glad that she would never cause harm or trouble to any more people , beneath his wrath a small prick of sympathy and affection remained for his fallen friend . No matter how much he inwardly raged at her past actions , he didn 't want to see her lifeless , unmoving body outstretched on that cold , steel table in a clean , white body bag . He opened his eyes , trying to banish the demons from the past that kept flitting to the forefront of his mind . Unbidden images stole into his mind 's eye . Running past a frightened girl in a pink skirt , distracting Team Rocket from attacking her with a tentacled machine … Comforting her after a devastating Contest loss … Running up a long , winding staircase with her at his side , both desperately trying to reach the top and stop the mad battle of two legendary Pokemon … trading her his Aipom for her Buizel , a trade that they had thought marked a true , unshakeable friendship … Darker memories began to pour in , and though he tried his hardest to tear his gaze away from those nightmares , he couldn 't avoid seeing his past . An exclamation of delight when a Magmar 's Fire Punch collided with Staravia … a heated argument , leading to his sleeping in the next field over … a sharp slap colliding with his face that seemed to resonate within the woods … shouting that made even Pikachu run for cover , flying flecks of spittle landing on both their faces … waking up one morning to discover that she , along with her tent and sleeping bag , had vanished during the night , leaving only a short note weighted down with rocks ; the only sign that Dawn had ever existed as a member of their travelling group … The memories , both good and bad , flooded his consciousness until at last , eventually , they vanished , leaving him standing alone on the doorstep , white and shaking , as a cruel breeze whistled around his body . He had tried for years to forget that past , but he realized now that it was time to confront his demons . He couldn 't hide forever ; he had run , and the past had caught him . Now he had to put it behind him forever , and if the only way to do that was to see her dead body gazing emptily towards the ceiling , then so be it . " In here , sir , " Arata Ukiyo gestured , unlocking an old , metal door to their left . Ash followed him inside and gazed around the large , dark room with sadness . His eyes alighted on a dark mass at the centre of the room , and when Ukiyo flicked on the lights he saw that it was a white body bag resting on a long , stainless steel table . He approached slowly , nervously , trying to brace himself for what he knew was next . Ukiyo moved to one side of the body bag and rested his hands on the zipper . He looked up at Ash , compassion in his eyes as he asked the next question . Ash took a deep breath , trying to fight down the inner terror that was rising within him . Nodding , he steeled himself for what was to come . " Yes , " he said . Ukiyo grasped the zipper and drew it swiftly downwards , stopping when her head and neck was uncovered . Ash gazed down at the dead girl and felt something within him break . Tears began leaking out from the corners of his eyes as he saw her familiar blue hair , her empty blue eyes . Despite himself , he almost smiled as he looked down on her . Even in the moment of her death , she was smiling the familiar grin that rarely left her face . " Do you know this person ? " Ukiyo asked softly . Ash looked down on her a moment more before responding . " I told you on the phone , " he said , glancing down at the dead girl . " She drowned . We 're lucky that she washed up on the banks . A couple more hours in the water and her features would have bloated . We 'd have had to identify her through her teeth . " He took one look at Ash 's heaving chest and immediately regretted his words . " She had a bag tied to her waist , " Ukiyo answered . " It was waterproof , and we opened it to see if she had any identification in there . The only thing that we found was a note addressed to you . My assistant checked the Town Records to see if you lived in the vicinity , and when we found your number I called you . " " A note … " Ash muttered , shaking his head at the irony . " She let us know by a note the first time too " He sighed and looked up at the ceiling . " You never can escape the past , " he mused . " Sir , " Ukiyo said hesitantly . " We didn 't dispose of the note . Since it was addressed to you , we felt it would be wrong if you didn 't have the chance to read it . We put it in the next room , along with her shoes and hat . Would you like me to . . ? " Ash sighed again . " What choice do I have ? " he asked . " If she left me a note , she obviously wants me to read it . " Ukiyo nodded and slipped into the next room , quickly returning with an envelope in his hand . He handed it to Ash and patted him gently on the back once , just once . He silently left the room , leaving Ash alone with the corpse . He turned the envelope over and saw his name written on the front , each letter painstakingly crafted in Dawn 's calligraphy . He turned the envelope around again and slit it open gently . Looking briefly at the body of the girl who had written it , he slid out several sheets of thin paper . He unfolded them and began to read . If you 're reading this , then it probably means that I 'm dead . To be honest , I 'm surprised that I 've lived long enough to write this note . Looking back at my life , sometimes it feels as if everything that I 've done has been a mistake . One of my biggest mistakes was in not replying to your letters . They were all delivered safely , but at the time I just couldn 't bear to try and keep in touch with you , not after what had happened . By the time I felt ready to write back , it was too late ; your last letter to me made that very clear . Maybe if I 'd written back to you sooner things would be different , but I 've always had the feeling that nothing much would change about the way my life turned out . There is something I have to tell you that I have kept a secret from all but one . From the moment that I met you , I knew you were somebody special . It didn 't take me long to realize that I 'd fallen in love with you . Yes , Ash , I loved you ; I still do . From the moment that I saw you risking your life to try and save Pikachu , to now as I write this letter , I have yearned for you with all that my heart has to offer . I knew from the start that it would only lead to unhappiness , too . I don 't know if you were aware of it , but I could see that your heart was already given to somebody else . I knew that you would never love me in the same way that I do you , but I had to try and win your heart away . At one point I even thought about leaving you and Brock to travel on my own . It was painful being with you , knowing that you would never reciprocate my feelings . But not being with you would have been even more painful . Although I am ashamed to admit it , I tried everything I could think of to win your heart , but nothing seemed to work . At the end , desperate , I tried to make you jealous by cheering for Paul . I thought it had worked at first , but then I realized that you weren 't jealous because I was cheering for him ; you were angry that I was supporting your enemy . I regret that moment more than anything else in my life . Every waking moment of every day after that , you were cold to me . I knew that you thought I had betrayed you , and I knew that I had brought it on myself , but my competitive side wouldn 't let me back down in arguments . I know that it 's years too late , but I am sorry that I slapped you all that time ago . One night , a few days before I left you and Brock , I left the Pokemon Centre for some fresh air . I was standing outside the doors when Paul and his Tropius surprised me . He said that I was looking very sad , so he showed me his Tropius 's Sweet Scent to try and cheer me up . I suddenly felt really calm and happy , and then he told me that he loved me . I know now that he didn 't love me ; he saw a weakness in you , his rival , and did everything that he could to exploit it ; namely getting me to leave you and travel with him . He saw a girl who was sick for lack of love , and used Sweet Scent and his sickly charm to exploit that illness . The day I left , the two of you battled and his Tropius ended up winning . I should have realized why he used Sweet Scent during the battle , but I didn 't . It enchanted me for the rest of tI 'm sure you heard from Brock about some of the things that happened to me as time went on ; when I was 12 , I was pregnant . It wasn 't from anything that I did willingly . I woke up one night screaming in pain . I was confused , and then a hand clamped on my mouth and pushed my head down . I realized then that Paul was raping me . It happened several times , and I couldn 't do anything to stop it . Eventually my stomach started to swell , and I realized that I was pregnant before I 'd even had my first period . I thought about having an abortion , but I couldn 't bear to do that . It didn 't matter in the end ; my body couldn 't handle the baby inside , and I miscarried . I don 't want you to think that I didn 't care about my mother 's death either . By that time Paul had retired and bought a house , and I moved in with him . I hated him more than anything , but I had no other place I could go to . I was sure that my mother had heard of my " betrayal " , and I was afraid she would disown me ; both Zoey and Kenny had when they found out . Paul was the one who got the letters from you and Brock telling me about her cancer . He hid them and never told me about it . I didn 't find out she had died until after the funeral , when I found one of the letters in his desk . He was out at the time , so I started to make dinner . When he came in , I confronted him about it . His only answer was a slap to my face . Then he started beating me , shouting that he 'd done so much for me , and that I never did anything in return . When I heard that , I just snapped and grabbed the Farfetch 'd I 'd taken out of the freezer to thaw . I just wanted to protect myself and try to get away . I didn 't mean to swing the bird so hard ; I didn 't want it to hit him in the head . I just wanted to escape . He hit the ground and didn 't move . All of my Pokemon ran in from the backyard and saw him lying in a pool of blood , and the smashed Farfetch 'd in my hand . They all thought I 'd murdered him in cold blood . None of them , not even Prinplup , wanted anything toThrough everything that had happened to me , good and bad , my Pokemon had stayed by my side , supporting and comforting me . I had never truly been alone before . When they left , I learned what it was like to be all alone in the world . I had no friends and no family left . I lost the will to live . If it wasn 't for Brock during my trial , I would have lost my case . I know that you didn 't go , and I can 't blame you for it . Brock was the only person who had kept in contact with me . He was the only one who knew what I had gone through with Paul . He came up for a surprise visit once , before Paul died . I told him about everything , including my love for you . He understood , too . He was able to tell the jury everything that Paul had done to me , and they acquitted me under a charge of self - defence . Ash , I know that you haven 't spoken to him since he testified . Please , don 't hold it against him . During the trial , I didn 't care if I was found innocent or guilty . I only wanted it all to be over . Brock was a true friend . He stood by me , arguing my innocence for all his worth . All he wanted was for the truth to be heard . You probably thought he was taking the side of the murderer , not the victim . That wasn 't the case . It took me a long time , but I finally managed to find out your address . I 've been travelling through the country to reach you for a long time . Every time I fall asleep , I relive my past . I have no will to eat , or to drink . I don 't even feel warmth or cold anymore . The only thing that 's driving me on is the need to get this message to you ; to see your face for one last time . If I can do that , I will be able to die happy . I have never stopped loving you , and I never will . Ash lowered the last page of the letter . His arms shook with grief , and his eyes shone with unshed tears . Only now , when it was too late , did he finally know the truth . " Oh Dawn … " he whispered . " All of these years … you loved me and you never said anything . All of those fights we had … all of that pain … years of anguish and torment . Why couldn 't you tell me ? Why ? " Slowly , he moved forwards and looked down on the face of the girl who had loved him ; who he knew loved him still . He unzipped the remainder of the bag and clasped one of her cold hands in his . His eyes sought out the small smile on her face , and he felt a sudden surge of emotion . This time , he didn 't try to hold it back . The tears surged from his eyes , splashing down his arms and onto her chest . " I 'm sorry Dawn , " he sobbed . " I 'm so sorry that I didn 't understand . " He stayed that way until his tears were exhausted . He looked away from her , took a deep , shuddering breath , and regained his composure . " At least … at least you died happy , even without seeing me again , " he said softly , his voice quavering slightly as he traced the outline of her smile . He leaned forwards and gently kissed his dead friend on the lips . Straightening slowly , he took one last look at her and began walking towards the door , folding his letter and placing it securely in his pocket as he went . He placed a hand on the door handle and paused . " I did love you Dawn , " he said . " I was just too blind to see it . " May greeted him as he arrived home . She looked at him , concerned . He had left the house with an air of forced happiness , but now he appeared exhausted , distraught . She hurried off to the kitchen to make a hot drink , but his voice compelled her to stop . Ash strode through the double doors , his heart bursting with joy . His jacket was slung over one shoulder as he moved quickly down the hallway , looking for a payphone . It took him several moments , but he was finally able to find a free one . He grabbed a coin , ready to insert it in the pay slot , and hesitated . It had been so long … what if he didn 't want to hear a word of it ? He swallowed and pushed in the coin , punching the digits in quickly . If there was one thing he knew now , if he kept on waiting it would be too late . " Brock , I … I 'm sorry for everything that I said . I was wrong . You were just being the friend that she deserved . The friend that I should have been to both of you . " " What 's this about , Ash ? " Brock asked slowly , stiffly . Ash stopped , trying to gather his thoughts . " I know May called you about Dawn , " he said . " I don 't know how much she told you but I … I learned the truth . It may be years too late , but I know now that I was wrong about her , and about you . I 'm sorry . " There was a rush of static on the line , and Ash realized that Brock was sighing . " Ash , " he said , beginning to sound a little more like his old self , " how long have we been friends ? Do you think I could stay mad at you , after all that you 've been through ? We were both at fault ; I should have told you everything years ago , when Dawn asked me too . " Ash smiled , relief breaking across his face . " There 's something I have to tell you , " he said . " It 's about me and May . " " What ! ? " Brock shouted , stunned . " Brock , I want you to be her Godfather , " he said . " A - are you serious ? " Brock asked , his voice cracking . " I 'm honoured , " Brock said sincerely , all the hurt he had felt since the trial melting away at the news . " Can I ask what her name is ? " Ash paused a moment , trying to quell the emotion that had suddenly sprung into his chest . It 's rare for me , as an aspiring author , to be completely satisifed with what I have done . This story is no different , although I am much happier with this than with most of my work . In Reaching Out , I tried to be as emotional as possible . In this story , Searching for Truth , I wasn 't deliberately trying to be emotional , but I think it turned out a heartjerker ; I 'm definitely much more satisfied with it than Reaching Out . Is on Fanfiction . net . Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest ? PM me ! Don 't reply to my infractions . It 's not gonna change anything . Random friend requests do nothing . Let 's actually talk first . >_< Posts 656 Wow , Matkin . Despite my heart - broken feeling of this story not ending as Pearlshipping realistically , I must say you 've executed a magnificent story here from " Reaching Out " to this . Doesn 't look like there will be a sequel , but nobody except the author knows that . Doesn 't seem any monsters were involved in this story at all , even if you mentioned Dawn 's monsters leaving her . Not even Pikachu was mentioned . I was wondering what Ash , May , Brock , and even Paul 's Pokemon went off to in the story . Well , those are my thoughts of the story . Can 't review this story because I 'm no good at reviews . All I can say , I hope to see more stories from you , Matkin .
|
This is the sequel to Reaching Out , so if you haven 't read that one yet , I recommend that you do ! This story is a Pearlshipping story . It is pretty short , and will be four - five chapters at the absolute most . I promise that it will still be good , though Dawn 's first light slowly began to creep in through a tight gap in the curtains . It flitted across the bedroom and alighted on the bedspread . The light crawled slowly along the length of the bed , finally halting on a face obscured by mussed black hair . The figure 's only reactions to the invasive light were a slight twitch of the eye , and a subtle shifting of position so that the light landed instead on the silky soft brown forelocks of the woman who lay alongside him . The man grumbled as the phone let loose an early ring , disturbing him from a contented sleep . It rang again , and he reached out blindly towards the phone . He lifted the receiver slightly in the midst of a third jangle , before swiftly replacing it . With a contented sigh he let his arm drop against the side of the bed and snuggled deeper under the covers , twisting slightly so that his chin rested against the woman 's silky brown locks . He breathed deeply , inhaling the heady scent of her hair that always reminded him of the slightly tropical climate of her native Hoenn . Sleepily , she brushed her hair out of her eyes and looked at him with partly - closed eyes . " No clue , " he shrugged , allowing his fingers to ply dexterously through the folds of her long tresses . " It 's too early for a phone call so I just hung up . Probably just another prank - calling kid . " She yawned again and managed to drag herself into a sitting position , the pillows rumpling up behind her back . " Not a chance , " he said , looking at her distended , pregnant belly with a smile . " There 's only a couple of weeks until you 're due , and you shouldn 't overtax yourself so early when you 're so tired . " She opened her mouth to protest , but he forestalled her with a wave of his hand . " Besides , " he continued , " I was going to make you breakfast in bed today . How does tea , toast , and hot cereal sound ? " She sighed and closed her eyes . " That sounds wonderful , " she said dreamily , relaxing against the pillows . The phone rang again as he rolled out of bed and pulled on his sleep pants and slippers . " Ignore it , " she said , opening her eyes . " If it 's important , they 'll call back later . " He smiled and walked around the bed , leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek . He moved to the door , pausing at the opening for a brief moment to look back at his wife . Her eyes were closed once more , her arms draped protectively across her large stomach . He felt a shudder of joy at the sight of her , and the small miracle that she carried within . Quietly , he left the room and moved down the hallway of the bungalow , slipping into the kitchen . He leaned against a wall and looked out the window . The sun was still low in the horizon , the sky a pale gold wherever it 's shining rays touched . The cool grass shone with an early frost , and a pair of Ledian flew swiftly around the flowerbed one last before beginning their journey south . It was a beautiful day . Posts 102 Here is Part Two . This was originally only going to be a twoshot , but it looks like it will now have four chapters . Hope you enjoy . He carefully manoeuvred his way from the kitchen into the hall , balancing the laden try with difficulty and shaking his head as the phone rang yet again . Who on earth could be so insistent this early in the morning ? he wondered . As he made his way down the hallway , the phone cut off in mid - ring and he heard his wife 's muffled voice . Hefting the tray , he sidled into the room sideways and took one look at her white face . " Ash , honey … It 's the morgue … " she whispered . The happiness he had felt earlier was abruptly siphoned away as he processed those three words through his brain over and over … The morgue … He didn 't realize when the heavy tray tumbled out of his suddenly limp grasp . He didn 't hear May 's shriek of surprise when it crashed against the ground with the sound of shattering dishes , or feel the scalding tea burn against his leg as it fell . He moved as if in a dream towards the phone , not registering the tread of broken china under his feet or the worried words of his wife . He reached out , blindly , towards the waiting phone . " H - hello ? " he asked , his throat suddenly dry . " Yes ; Mr . Ketchum , I presume ? My name is Arata Ukiyo , and I 'm an attendant here at the morgue . I 'm so sorry to call at this time in the morning , but the body of a young woman was discovered on the riverbank last night and we believe that you can identify her . Can we expect you down here shortly ? " " It 's quite simple , Mr . Ketchum , " Mr . Ukiyo said soothingly . " We only need you to state if you know her or not . If it will help you to prepare yourself , I can give you her name now . It 's only whether you knew her or not that really matters . " " Her name was Dawn , " he said . Ash jerked his head backwards in surprise . " Dawn , " he muttered darkly , before returning his attention to the conversation at hand . " Thank you , Mr . Ukiyo , I 'll be at the morgue soon , " he said , hanging up the phone before the attendant had a chance to respond . He stared into space for a moment . The despair that he had felt from the moment that May had told him it was the morgue had already vanished . Instead of despair , he felt his heart fill with a kind of savage glee . The emotion surprised him momentarily , but as dark memories of the past began to flood his consciousness he felt more and more glad by the news . " Ash ? " May asked , but he didn 't hear her . " So she 's dead , " he muttered , " gone from my life forever . " He paused , trying to sum up his emotions . " Good riddance , " he spat . " Ash ! " May snapped , jerking him out of his thoughts . He turned and looked at her , a hard expression on his face . He was surprised to see a worried expression on her face . " Who was she , and what did she do to you ? " May asked softly . " I 've never seen you so filled with hate . " Ash gazed into her cool , sapphire eyes for a moment , allowing them to relax him briefly . " She was a Coordinator from Twinleaf Town , " he said monotonously , turning away from her face . " I met her when I first travelled into Sinnoh , only a few days after you left for Johto . She was a fun kid , and she had lots of energy . She was like a little sister to me . She supported me in my Gyms , and I did the same in her Contests . " He paused for a moment . " And then things changed . " " I had a rival , Paul . He was the most arrogant person that I ever met . He was very harsh when he trained his Pokemon , and he claimed that it was because they wanted it that way . His favourite technique was to get five of his Pokemon attack his sixth at the same time . He said it made their attacks stronger , having to dodge or counter five attacks instead of just one . " " He was nasty towards me , always calling me pathetic , " Ash continued . " He wasn 't as bad with Dawn , although he still hurt her feelings on some occasions . For some reason he really respected Brock ; maybe it was because he used to be a Gym Leader , I don 't know . Thing is , after a couple of months Dawn began to change when she was around him . " It started out with little things . When he insulted me , Dawn didn 't get back in his face like she used to . Once , we challenged a Gym at the same time , and she just watched him battle . The next time that happened , she cheered for him . It came to a head one day when I battled against Paul in the countryside . Dawn took his side , over mine . I was hurt , and didn 't speak to her for the rest of the day . When Brock and I woke up the next morning , she was gone . The only thing that she left was a note saying that she had fallen in love with Paul , and she was going to spend the rest of her life with him . " I never saw her again . " " Oh , Honey , " May sympathized , squeezing his hand . " For some reason , she decided to keep in contact with Brock . After Sinnoh , when he went back to the Gym , he got a letter from her . She wrote to him every couple of weeks . I never got any mail , even though I tried to get back in touch with her through her mother . I got tired of it eventually , and just stopped trying . " " What did you do then ? " May asked . " I wanted to know what she and Brock were talking about , " Ash answered . " He 'd kept all of her letters , so while he was out one day I went into his room and read them . " He shook his head in disgust . " By the time she was twelve , she was pregnant . She couldn 't handle it , so she went and had an abortion ; Paul never found out about that . When Johanna , her mother , was sick with cancer , Dawn didn 't even visit once . Johanna died without seeing her daughter . " And then , a couple of years ago , she killed Paul . She hit him over the head with a frozen Farfetch 'd and broke his skull . " " No kidding . There was a criminal trial of course , but somehow she managed to walk away without penalty . Brock was her key character witness . " " And that 's why you two have fallen out of contact , " May realized . " Yep . Make no mistake , I hated Paul . I hated who he was , and how he treated his Pokemon . But nobody deserves to die like that , hit over the head by a frozen bird . " He sighed . " I just can 't understand how he could take the side of a killer . " " I 'm sure he had his reasons , " May said softly . " After all that happened , " Ash continued , ignoring her , " all of her Pokemon left her , even her starter . Some went back into the wilderness ; Prinplup was adopted by Brock 's mother , and her Pachirisu by Brock . Her Buneary and Ambipom decided to come and find me . " He raised his arm to knock on the door , but paused . He swallowed nervously and closed his eyes for a moment . Even though she was gone , he hated Dawn . He hated her for what she had to done to her family , her friends , and her Pokemon . But although he was glad that she would never cause harm or trouble to any more people , beneath his wrath a small prick of sympathy and affection remained for his fallen friend . No matter how much he inwardly raged at her past actions , he didn 't want to see her lifeless , unmoving body outstretched on that cold , steel table in a clean , white body bag . He opened his eyes , trying to banish the demons from the past that kept flitting to the forefront of his mind . Unbidden images stole into his mind 's eye . Running past a frightened girl in a pink skirt , distracting Team Rocket from attacking her with a tentacled machine … Comforting her after a devastating Contest loss … Running up a long , winding staircase with her at his side , both desperately trying to reach the top and stop the mad battle of two legendary Pokemon … trading her his Aipom for her Buizel , a trade that they had thought marked a true , unshakeable friendship … Darker memories began to pour in , and though he tried his hardest to tear his gaze away from those nightmares , he couldn 't avoid seeing his past . An exclamation of delight when a Magmar 's Fire Punch collided with Staravia … a heated argument , leading to his sleeping in the next field over … a sharp slap colliding with his face that seemed to resonate within the woods … shouting that made even Pikachu run for cover , flying flecks of spittle landing on both their faces … waking up one morning to discover that she , along with her tent and sleeping bag , had vanished during the night , leaving only a short note weighted down with rocks ; the only sign that Dawn had ever existed as a member of their travelling group … The memories , both good and bad , flooded his consciousness until at last , eventually , they vanished , leaving him standing alone on the doorstep , white and shaking , as a cruel breeze whistled around his body . He had tried for years to forget that past , but he realized now that it was time to confront his demons . He couldn 't hide forever ; he had run , and the past had caught him . Now he had to put it behind him forever , and if the only way to do that was to see her dead body gazing emptily towards the ceiling , then so be it . " In here , sir , " Arata Ukiyo gestured , unlocking an old , metal door to their left . Ash followed him inside and gazed around the large , dark room with sadness . His eyes alighted on a dark mass at the centre of the room , and when Ukiyo flicked on the lights he saw that it was a white body bag resting on a long , stainless steel table . He approached slowly , nervously , trying to brace himself for what he knew was next . Ukiyo moved to one side of the body bag and rested his hands on the zipper . He looked up at Ash , compassion in his eyes as he asked the next question . Ash took a deep breath , trying to fight down the inner terror that was rising within him . Nodding , he steeled himself for what was to come . " Yes , " he said . Ukiyo grasped the zipper and drew it swiftly downwards , stopping when her head and neck was uncovered . Ash gazed down at the dead girl and felt something within him break . Tears began leaking out from the corners of his eyes as he saw her familiar blue hair , her empty blue eyes . Despite himself , he almost smiled as he looked down on her . Even in the moment of her death , she was smiling the familiar grin that rarely left her face . " Do you know this person ? " Ukiyo asked softly . Ash looked down on her a moment more before responding . " I told you on the phone , " he said , glancing down at the dead girl . " She drowned . We 're lucky that she washed up on the banks . A couple more hours in the water and her features would have bloated . We 'd have had to identify her through her teeth . " He took one look at Ash 's heaving chest and immediately regretted his words . " She had a bag tied to her waist , " Ukiyo answered . " It was waterproof , and we opened it to see if she had any identification in there . The only thing that we found was a note addressed to you . My assistant checked the Town Records to see if you lived in the vicinity , and when we found your number I called you . " " A note … " Ash muttered , shaking his head at the irony . " She let us know by a note the first time too " He sighed and looked up at the ceiling . " You never can escape the past , " he mused . " Sir , " Ukiyo said hesitantly . " We didn 't dispose of the note . Since it was addressed to you , we felt it would be wrong if you didn 't have the chance to read it . We put it in the next room , along with her shoes and hat . Would you like me to . . ? " Ash sighed again . " What choice do I have ? " he asked . " If she left me a note , she obviously wants me to read it . " Ukiyo nodded and slipped into the next room , quickly returning with an envelope in his hand . He handed it to Ash and patted him gently on the back once , just once . He silently left the room , leaving Ash alone with the corpse . He turned the envelope over and saw his name written on the front , each letter painstakingly crafted in Dawn 's calligraphy . He turned the envelope around again and slit it open gently . Looking briefly at the body of the girl who had written it , he slid out several sheets of thin paper . He unfolded them and began to read . If you 're reading this , then it probably means that I 'm dead . To be honest , I 'm surprised that I 've lived long enough to write this note . Looking back at my life , sometimes it feels as if everything that I 've done has been a mistake . One of my biggest mistakes was in not replying to your letters . They were all delivered safely , but at the time I just couldn 't bear to try and keep in touch with you , not after what had happened . By the time I felt ready to write back , it was too late ; your last letter to me made that very clear . Maybe if I 'd written back to you sooner things would be different , but I 've always had the feeling that nothing much would change about the way my life turned out . There is something I have to tell you that I have kept a secret from all but one . From the moment that I met you , I knew you were somebody special . It didn 't take me long to realize that I 'd fallen in love with you . Yes , Ash , I loved you ; I still do . From the moment that I saw you risking your life to try and save Pikachu , to now as I write this letter , I have yearned for you with all that my heart has to offer . I knew from the start that it would only lead to unhappiness , too . I don 't know if you were aware of it , but I could see that your heart was already given to somebody else . I knew that you would never love me in the same way that I do you , but I had to try and win your heart away . At one point I even thought about leaving you and Brock to travel on my own . It was painful being with you , knowing that you would never reciprocate my feelings . But not being with you would have been even more painful . Although I am ashamed to admit it , I tried everything I could think of to win your heart , but nothing seemed to work . At the end , desperate , I tried to make you jealous by cheering for Paul . I thought it had worked at first , but then I realized that you weren 't jealous because I was cheering for him ; you were angry that I was supporting your enemy . I regret that moment more than anything else in my life . Every waking moment of every day after that , you were cold to me . I knew that you thought I had betrayed you , and I knew that I had brought it on myself , but my competitive side wouldn 't let me back down in arguments . I know that it 's years too late , but I am sorry that I slapped you all that time ago . One night , a few days before I left you and Brock , I left the Pokemon Centre for some fresh air . I was standing outside the doors when Paul and his Tropius surprised me . He said that I was looking very sad , so he showed me his Tropius 's Sweet Scent to try and cheer me up . I suddenly felt really calm and happy , and then he told me that he loved me . I know now that he didn 't love me ; he saw a weakness in you , his rival , and did everything that he could to exploit it ; namely getting me to leave you and travel with him . He saw a girl who was sick for lack of love , and used Sweet Scent and his sickly charm to exploit that illness . The day I left , the two of you battled and his Tropius ended up winning . I should have realized why he used Sweet Scent during the battle , but I didn 't . It enchanted me for the rest of tI 'm sure you heard from Brock about some of the things that happened to me as time went on ; when I was 12 , I was pregnant . It wasn 't from anything that I did willingly . I woke up one night screaming in pain . I was confused , and then a hand clamped on my mouth and pushed my head down . I realized then that Paul was raping me . It happened several times , and I couldn 't do anything to stop it . Eventually my stomach started to swell , and I realized that I was pregnant before I 'd even had my first period . I thought about having an abortion , but I couldn 't bear to do that . It didn 't matter in the end ; my body couldn 't handle the baby inside , and I miscarried . I don 't want you to think that I didn 't care about my mother 's death either . By that time Paul had retired and bought a house , and I moved in with him . I hated him more than anything , but I had no other place I could go to . I was sure that my mother had heard of my " betrayal " , and I was afraid she would disown me ; both Zoey and Kenny had when they found out . Paul was the one who got the letters from you and Brock telling me about her cancer . He hid them and never told me about it . I didn 't find out she had died until after the funeral , when I found one of the letters in his desk . He was out at the time , so I started to make dinner . When he came in , I confronted him about it . His only answer was a slap to my face . Then he started beating me , shouting that he 'd done so much for me , and that I never did anything in return . When I heard that , I just snapped and grabbed the Farfetch 'd I 'd taken out of the freezer to thaw . I just wanted to protect myself and try to get away . I didn 't mean to swing the bird so hard ; I didn 't want it to hit him in the head . I just wanted to escape . He hit the ground and didn 't move . All of my Pokemon ran in from the backyard and saw him lying in a pool of blood , and the smashed Farfetch 'd in my hand . They all thought I 'd murdered him in cold blood . None of them , not even Prinplup , wanted anything toThrough everything that had happened to me , good and bad , my Pokemon had stayed by my side , supporting and comforting me . I had never truly been alone before . When they left , I learned what it was like to be all alone in the world . I had no friends and no family left . I lost the will to live . If it wasn 't for Brock during my trial , I would have lost my case . I know that you didn 't go , and I can 't blame you for it . Brock was the only person who had kept in contact with me . He was the only one who knew what I had gone through with Paul . He came up for a surprise visit once , before Paul died . I told him about everything , including my love for you . He understood , too . He was able to tell the jury everything that Paul had done to me , and they acquitted me under a charge of self - defence . Ash , I know that you haven 't spoken to him since he testified . Please , don 't hold it against him . During the trial , I didn 't care if I was found innocent or guilty . I only wanted it all to be over . Brock was a true friend . He stood by me , arguing my innocence for all his worth . All he wanted was for the truth to be heard . You probably thought he was taking the side of the murderer , not the victim . That wasn 't the case . It took me a long time , but I finally managed to find out your address . I 've been travelling through the country to reach you for a long time . Every time I fall asleep , I relive my past . I have no will to eat , or to drink . I don 't even feel warmth or cold anymore . The only thing that 's driving me on is the need to get this message to you ; to see your face for one last time . If I can do that , I will be able to die happy . I have never stopped loving you , and I never will . Ash lowered the last page of the letter . His arms shook with grief , and his eyes shone with unshed tears . Only now , when it was too late , did he finally know the truth . " Oh Dawn … " he whispered . " All of these years … you loved me and you never said anything . All of those fights we had … all of that pain … years of anguish and torment . Why couldn 't you tell me ? Why ? " Slowly , he moved forwards and looked down on the face of the girl who had loved him ; who he knew loved him still . He unzipped the remainder of the bag and clasped one of her cold hands in his . His eyes sought out the small smile on her face , and he felt a sudden surge of emotion . This time , he didn 't try to hold it back . The tears surged from his eyes , splashing down his arms and onto her chest . " I 'm sorry Dawn , " he sobbed . " I 'm so sorry that I didn 't understand . " He stayed that way until his tears were exhausted . He looked away from her , took a deep , shuddering breath , and regained his composure . " At least … at least you died happy , even without seeing me again , " he said softly , his voice quavering slightly as he traced the outline of her smile . He leaned forwards and gently kissed his dead friend on the lips . Straightening slowly , he took one last look at her and began walking towards the door , folding his letter and placing it securely in his pocket as he went . He placed a hand on the door handle and paused . " I did love you Dawn , " he said . " I was just too blind to see it . " May greeted him as he arrived home . She looked at him , concerned . He had left the house with an air of forced happiness , but now he appeared exhausted , distraught . She hurried off to the kitchen to make a hot drink , but his voice compelled her to stop . Ash strode through the double doors , his heart bursting with joy . His jacket was slung over one shoulder as he moved quickly down the hallway , looking for a payphone . It took him several moments , but he was finally able to find a free one . He grabbed a coin , ready to insert it in the pay slot , and hesitated . It had been so long … what if he didn 't want to hear a word of it ? He swallowed and pushed in the coin , punching the digits in quickly . If there was one thing he knew now , if he kept on waiting it would be too late . " Brock , I … I 'm sorry for everything that I said . I was wrong . You were just being the friend that she deserved . The friend that I should have been to both of you . " " What 's this about , Ash ? " Brock asked slowly , stiffly . Ash stopped , trying to gather his thoughts . " I know May called you about Dawn , " he said . " I don 't know how much she told you but I … I learned the truth . It may be years too late , but I know now that I was wrong about her , and about you . I 'm sorry . " There was a rush of static on the line , and Ash realized that Brock was sighing . " Ash , " he said , beginning to sound a little more like his old self , " how long have we been friends ? Do you think I could stay mad at you , after all that you 've been through ? We were both at fault ; I should have told you everything years ago , when Dawn asked me too . " Ash smiled , relief breaking across his face . " There 's something I have to tell you , " he said . " It 's about me and May . " " What ! ? " Brock shouted , stunned . " Brock , I want you to be her Godfather , " he said . " A - are you serious ? " Brock asked , his voice cracking . " I 'm honoured , " Brock said sincerely , all the hurt he had felt since the trial melting away at the news . " Can I ask what her name is ? " Ash paused a moment , trying to quell the emotion that had suddenly sprung into his chest . It 's rare for me , as an aspiring author , to be completely satisifed with what I have done . This story is no different , although I am much happier with this than with most of my work . In Reaching Out , I tried to be as emotional as possible . In this story , Searching for Truth , I wasn 't deliberately trying to be emotional , but I think it turned out a heartjerker ; I 'm definitely much more satisfied with it than Reaching Out . Is on Fanfiction . net . Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest ? PM me ! Don 't reply to my infractions . It 's not gonna change anything . Random friend requests do nothing . Let 's actually talk first . >_< Posts 656 Wow , Matkin . Despite my heart - broken feeling of this story not ending as Pearlshipping realistically , I must say you 've executed a magnificent story here from " Reaching Out " to this . Doesn 't look like there will be a sequel , but nobody except the author knows that . Doesn 't seem any monsters were involved in this story at all , even if you mentioned Dawn 's monsters leaving her . Not even Pikachu was mentioned . I was wondering what Ash , May , Brock , and even Paul 's Pokemon went off to in the story . Well , those are my thoughts of the story . Can 't review this story because I 'm no good at reviews . All I can say , I hope to see more stories from you , Matkin .
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.