Non-SpongeBob Dialogue
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Squidward: SpongeBob, look! | Wow, what happened to the Krusty Krab? |
Mr. Krabs: Good morning! The Krusty Towers is now opened for business! | Why did you build a hotel, Mr. Krabs? |
Mr. Krabs: I'm glad you asked, son. Remember when I went to that fast food convention and stayed in that fancy hotel? I had a beautiful room. The employees were so friendly. They catered to me every whim, no matter how demeaning it was. Because they lived by a code. And that code was engraved in fine gold above the grand fireplace: We shall never deny a guest even the most ridiculous request. Everything was perfect until I got the bill! They charged me for everything. $25 for a hamburger! If they can charge that much for a lousy burger, imagine how much I could charge for a lousy Krabby Patty! And thus, the Krusty Towers was born. Squidward: Why would anyone stay in a hotel in Bikini Bottom? It's in the middle of scenic nowhere! There's nothing to do but get stung by jellyfish. See?! | Ooh! |
Mr. Krabs: Come inside. Isn't it beautiful? Squidward: Where are all the new hotel employees? Mr. Krabs: My first hotel guest! Watch me reel him in. Welcome to the Krusty Towers, where our motto is We shall never deny a guest even the most ridiculous request. Dave: Oh, that's great. I'd like a double Krabby Patty with no onions and extra pickles. Mr. Krabs: If you want a Krabby Patty, you'll have to rent a room and order room service. Dave: Ooh, I've only got an hour for lunch. Squidward: Boy, you reeled that one in like a pro. Mr. Krabs: Okay, Squidward, you man the front desk. Patrick: I'd like a Krabby Patty, please. Squidward: This is a hotel now. If you want a Krabby Patty, you'll have to get a room and order room service. Patrick: Okay, one Krabby Patty and one room with cheese. Oh, and can I get cheese on the Krabby Patty, too? Squidward: Patrick, you only live 400 yards away. Why do you want to check into a hotel? Patrick: Sometimes I just need to get away from it all. Wow, this hotel has everything! Squidward: Gimme that! Now sign the register. Patrick: I didn't know there would be a test. I didn't study! Squidward: Patrick, all you have to do is write your name. Patrick: Oh, okay. Do you mind?! Don't look! Done! Squidward: Close enough. Here's your room key. Patrick: I'll need some help with my bags. Squidward: How can you have bags?! You just found out this is a hotel! Patrick: This is a hotel? Squidward: SpongeBob! | Yes, Squidward? |
Squidward: Take Patrick and his bags to his room. Patrick: What about my Krabby Patty? Squidward: And bring him a Krabby Patty. Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you can take Patrick's bags up to his room. SpongeBob, you go make the Krabby Patty. Squidward: Oh, Mr Krabs! Mr. Krabs: What's the matter? Afraid of a little manual labor? I'm Squidward and I have to work for a living. Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo. Squidward: Fine. Let's go, Patrick. Mr. Krabs: This elevator is for guests only. Take the employee elevator. Squidward: What's in these bags, rocks? Hey, these are rocks! Why is your suitcase full of rocks? Patrick: I don't tell you how to live your life! Squidward: Well, here's your room. Patrick: Wow. Squidward: Enjoy your stay. Patrick: Squidward, wait! Keep up the good work and there'll be more where that came from. | Your Krabby Patty, sir. Hey, Squidward, cool rock. |
Patrick: Hold on a second, SpongeBob. Here you are, my good man. | Why, thank you, Patrick! |
Patrick: There's plenty more where that came from, my good friend Squidward! Squidward: What now?! Patrick: I don't like crusts on my sandwich! Squidward: It's a bun; it's all crust! How am I suppose to cut the crust off a bun? Patrick: Peel it. Squidward: Happy? | Room service! Here's the fifty Krabby Patties you ordered. |
Patrick: Could you do one more thing for me? Squidward: Why don't you ask SpongeBob? Patrick: Good idea, Squidward! | How may I serve you, sir? |
Patrick: I need you to eat these Krabby Patties with me. | Oh, yes, sir! |
Mr. Krabs: Hold on. Squidward! Patrick needs your help. Squidward: What?! Why didn't he ask me before I walked all the way downstairs? Mr. Krabs: He said he didn't want to bother you, but he got over it. | Thanks, Squidward! |
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, this is ridiculous! Patrick's being completely unreasonable! Mr. Krabs: He can be as unreasonable as he wants! The plaque, Squidward, the plaque! Squidward: But, Mr. Krabs... Mr. Krabs: Deny no guests! Why, hello, Patrick. You need Squidward to come up right away? He'll be right there. Squidward: A bubble bath?! Why would I give you a bubble bath?! Patrick: Well, because Mr. Krabs said you would! Well, be sure to make my back extra shiny clean. Squidward: That's it! I've had enough! Patrick: Squidward, wait! The toilet's backed up again! Mr. Krabs: Hey! Hey, you can't take that elevator! You're an employee! Squidward: Not anymore. I quit. Mr. Krabs: Quit? You can't quit. Welcome to the Krusty Towers... Squidward?! Squidward: One room, please. On the top floor. Mr. Krabs: What do you think you're doing? Squidward: I need a vacation. I'm overworked. And what better place to relax than Krusty Towers? Where we shall never deny a guest even the most ridiculous request. Mr. Krabs: I don't have to rent you a room! Squidward: I've got cash. Mr. Krabs: Oh... here's your room key. Squidward: SpongeBob, carry my things to my room. | Aye aye, guest sir. |
Squidward: And you can carry me to my room. Mr. Krabs: And why in tarnation would I do that? You got four legs that aren't broken. Squidward: The plaque. Too bad we couldn't take the elevator, but it is for guests only, and you are an employee. | Your room, sir. |
Squidward: And I'd like to order room service. I'd like a Krabby Patty with cheese, toenail clippings, and nose hair. Mr. Krabs: You've got to be kidding me! Squidward: And I want it here in five seconds. | Yes, sir! Here you are, sir. |
Mr. Krabs: Well, you got your stinky sandwich. Now eat it. Squidward: Oh, I'm not going to eat this. You are. Mr. Krabs: What?! You're out of your mind if you think I'm going to eat that! | Psst, that's not really a Krabby Patty with cheese, toenails, and nose hair. |
Mr. Krabs: Now I get ya, boy. Alright, Squidward. SpongeBob! | Sorry, Mr. Krabs! We were all out of cheese. |
Patrick: Hooray! Mr. Krabs: What is it, Squidward? Squidward: Send up a dozen cookies just like mother used to make. Mr. Krabs: Here's your homemade cookies. Squidward: These don't taste anything like mom used to make! Mr. Krabs: Well, how did your mother make 'em? Squidward: How should I know?! Ask my mother! Mrs. Tentacles: Hello? Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! | No good, Mr. Krabs. |
Mrs. Tentacles: Allow me, boy. Mr. Krabs: Great! Now that me laundry's in the trunk... | There's room for you to sit up front! |
Mrs. Tentacles: Let's go bake some cookies, boys. SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs: Hooray! Mr. Krabs: Well? Squidward: I'm impressed! These are just like mother used to make! I just wish mom was a better cook. Mr. Krabs: So you're all taken care of? Squidward: Hm, just one teensy tiny problem. This room is hideous. Redesign it. Neptune the 14th would be nice. Mr. Krabs: What? Squidward: We shall never deny a guest even the most ridiculous request. Perfect! Mr. Krabs: This room is exactly the same as when we started! Squidward: Nothing like getting back to the basics. Mr. Krabs: Let's get out of here, SpongeBob! Squidward: Oh, before you leave, I want to go swimming. Mr. Krabs: The pool's out back! Squidward: Ha ha, are you crazy? I'm not going outside to swim. Come on in, the water's fine. Mr. Krabs: Anything else stupid and unreasonable that you want? Squidward: Nope, that's it. Mr. Krabs: You don't need me to chew your food for ya? Or make you a back scratcher out of me own spine? Or maybe extinguish the sun so the light don't get in your eyes?! Squidward: No, I'm good. | Me, too. |
Patrick: Wow, an indoor pool?! Well, this place is fancy! Cannonball! Mr. Krabs: Oh, that hotel was a bad idea from the start. Patrick: That was a hotel? Nurse: Your bill, sir. Mr. Krabs: $15,000?! Squidward: You're not going to have a heart attack, are you? Mr. Krabs: Not at these prices! Forget hotels. This hospital rack is where the money is! Patrick: This is a hospital? Mr. Krabs: Pack your bags, boys! You're going to medical school! SpongeBob & Patrick: Hooray! Squidward: Oh, boy. Fred: You know that child we were planning on having? Fred and his wife: Let's forget it. Karen: SpongeBob, I could hear you caterwauling a mile away. | Aw, thanks, and thanks for watching my sea chimps while I'm at work. |
Karen: They're already in an aquarium. Why don't you just leave 'em at home? | I think Gary might be trying to eat them. I found saliva on the glass. |
Karen: So what do I need to do for them? | Nothing! They'll take care of themselves. Oh! Hm! Well, I got to go. Here's my breeze. Whoa-ow-ow-ow!} |
Mr. Krabs: When will you ever learn that a tiny pipsqueak like you will never, ever take over anything? What do you call this gizmo you made anyway? Plankton: The Takeover-er-er. Mr. Krabs: That's just stupid. | Morning. |
Plankton: Morning… Mr. Krabs: And don't forget your rube goldfish device! There we go. Plankton: Honey, I'm home. What's this stupid thing? Karen: Those are SpongeBob's sea chimps. You don't need to bother with them. I'm going back to my shows now. Oh, my! Plankton: Hmm. Huh? Sea chimps, huh? Wait a minute. Maybe I've been going about this world conquest thing all wrong. Maybe I should start small and work my way up! Plankton: This shrink belt will allow me to walk among those little monkeys. Alley-oop! Plankton: Too small, too small! Huh? Plankton: Hey, why are you idiots so short? You afraid of me? You gonna cry? Plankton: Listen here, you pint-sized twerps. I'm taking over your monkey town, see? Do you little cretins have a king or a queen or something? Sea chimp king: Um, I am the king. Plankton: Yeah? Well, now I'm the king! Sea chimp king: Wow! Thank you, sir! I mean, sire. I'm not the king! I'm not the king! I'm not the king! I'm not the king-ing-ing! Plankton: Why was that so easy? It's so easy because I'm so big and smart! That's why! Well, what are you all waiting for? Follow your leader! Fall! Plankton: That's right, bring me all your valuables. What are those? Dentures? Hand them over. Now that's more like it. I want to be the only one in town with stuff! I'm tired of walking. Carry me! Sea chimp child: Father! Plankton: Right in the head! You guys are idiots. I'm the smart one. I've got the best ideas. Hey, you! Here's a grape-flavored idea! Hi-yah! Okay, that's enough. I'm bored. Plankton: Yeah! I rule you, I rule you, I rule you. I rule you, you, you, and you. Ow! Ta-da! Piggyback for the king! Let's see how fast this old lady can go. Hi-yah! Plankton: Yee-haw! Today, sea chimps, tomorrow, the world! I rule you, I rule you, and I...rule...you... Plankton: Hey, what is this? Where am I? Okay, ha-ha. Very humorous. Having a bit of fun with the king, I get it. I think my armpits are dry now. You can cut me down. I demand you obey your king! Let's go! Come on, you little bozos! Get me down! Guys? My people? Loyal subjects? Buddies? Sea chimp king: Oh! Hello! Remember me? You took my crown and became the new king? I just wanted to say thanks again. Oh, and, uh, have a nice sacrifice! Plankton: Sacrifice? Sea chimps: Plankton: Tongue? That's a weird request. But as king I'll be benevolent. Gah! What in Neptune's navel?! Plankton: Hey! Whoa! Yuck! Time to un-shrink! Can't...reach...I take it back. I don't want to be king! Sea chimp king: Nuh-uh-uh! No takee-backsees. Sea chimps: Aww! Plankton: What do you mean, aww? Don't aww! Patrick: Ow! That hurt! Now that snack's got a bite. Sea chimp king: Oh, don't worry, sire! I will cut you loose from the sacrifice. Plankton: Hey, stop! Nice old chimp king. Don't do that! Plankton: Huh? How did you get over there? Ahh! Sea chimp king: Hey, you're welcome! Plankton: Hey, dumbbell! Take this end of the belt and wrap it around all the other falling numbskulls and bring it back to me! It stretches. Go! You morons should cushion my fall nicely. | Oh, oh, oh! Patrick! It was you trying to eat my sea chimps the whole time. |
Patrick: I can't believe you'd accuse me of-of-of such a delicious thing! | I hear 'em in there. |
Sea chimp king: Hey, King, what's this dialy-doodle-mojig on your belt do? Plankton: No, don't touch that! Patrick: Whoa-oh-oh-oh! I take it back. They weren't that delicious. Sea chimp king: Whoa! Hey, guys, come on out! There's more room out here. Plankton: Partially digested antennae. | Welcome, sea chimps. I'm SpongeBob, your owner. |
Sea chimp king: Forget it, man. We're through with owners, and kings, and aquariums. Whoa! Now that looks like a swell place to live. Karen: Plankton! Abandon bucket! Plankton: Well, that's a write off. | Bye, sea chimps! Have a good flight! It was so nice of you to help relocate the sea chimps, Plankton. You rule! |
Plankton: Not today, SpongeBob. Not today. But...someday! Harold: Ah. Nat Peterson: Make it stop! Ah! Mr. Krabs: Oh. Mister Squidward! Quit that calamitous cacophony! You're driving me customers batty! Squidward: Well, I'm sorry you rubes can't enjoy jazz. I am practicing for a very important open mic night tonight. Mr. Krabs: Well, practice somewhere else! This here's a jazz-free zone! Squidward: Fine! I'll take my music to the other people then. Mr. Krabs: And if I see that clarinet again, it'll be going into the woodwind chipper! You hear me? Bubble Bass: As you can see, this is the first generation Talking Suburban Dad figurine, with realistic burger-flipping motion. Suburban Dad Toy: Not right now, Billy. Daddy's had a long day. Bubble Bass' friends: Ooh. Bubble Bass: Suburban Dad! No! You? You—will remove that subpar woodwind from the premises, ere I smash its reed! Squidward: Can't practice anywhere in this town. Bunch of tasteless clowns! Patrick: Smashy, smashy! Bang, bang! Sma–oh! Ow! What is that noise? Oh, no. Squidward's being attacked by that pointy screeching monster. Don't worry, Squidward! I'll save you! Squidward: What are you– Hm? Uh? Hm? Oh! Patrick: You're welcome! Squidward: It's time for our pre-performance nap. Tonight, we change lives with our music. French Narrator: One nap later... Squidward: Are you ready, my dear? We've got the– Squidward: And that's how it began. My life smashed to bits. My living room covered in broken dreams. Without my clarinet, the world was a drab and colorless place. And that's when I saw him, my first suspect. When it comes to paying the stupid bill, SpongeBob always tipped 20%. He had to be involved. SpongeBob, what have you done with my clarinet? | Ooh, Squidward, you're so hard-boiled. Are you playing a game? Oh, oh, can I play? |
Squidward: I know you stole my clarinet! Tell me where! It! Is! | I Don't! Know! It couldn't have been me, Squidward. I have an alibi. I was at Grandma's house all day and I have the kissy marks to prove it, see? There's room for one more. |
Squidward: His alibi was solid. Only a family member could stomach putting their lips on this fool. | You know, we have lots of friends. Maybe they could help us find your clarinet. |
Squidward: I don't have friends. I have suspects. | Oh, Squidward, don't you know a suspect is just a friend you haven't cleared of charges yet? So... can I help you solve your case? Please, please, please? |
Squidward: Try not to get in the way. | Yeah! It's a play-date! I mean... All right, I'll partner up with you this time. Huh? |
Squidward: My... partner and I decided to check out my next suspect, the owner of a local greasy spoon. I figured a little Good cop, bad cop would get his jaw flapping so I– | Oh! Can I be the bad cop? Please, please, can I, please? |
Squidward: Yes, if you get out of my hard-boiled narration! | Sorry. Huh? |
Mr. Krabs: What the– Squidward: Hey, Mister Krabs, how are you doing? Can I get you some tea? Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? Now, where were you earlier– | You seem hungry, dear. Home-cooked meal? |
Squidward: What are you doing, SpongeBob? Manicure? Mr. Krabs: Huh? | Makeover? |
Squidward: Warm blanket? | New shoes? |
Squidward: Hey! Mr. Krabs: Enough! | Hey, check out the dame. |
Mr. Krabs: What in the salty seven seas are you two doing?! | Oh, uh, we're playing Good cop, good cop. Sorry, Squidward, I don't know how to be the bad cop! |
Squidward: We're looking for my clarinet, Eugene. I know you broke into my house this afternoon! I know you stole it! Now fess up! Mr. Krabs: This afternoon? Well, I was–I've been here all day, counting me money! Just look at me butt groove! | Good contours. And still warm. Story checks out. |
Squidward: All right, Mr. Krabs, we'll mosey along this time. Come on, SpongeBob. | Mm, hmm. |
Mr. Krabs: Boys, if you two do find that clarinet, could you bring it to me? So I can smash it to pieces! Squidward: We pulled up to the local dweeb market, where I hoped to find my next suspect: maven of all things moronic, Bubble Bass. The sign said closed, but I could hear their nerdy murmuring inside. Bubble Bass: And then, from the depths of the barbeque, comes the ferocious, fire-breathing Dad! Squidward: Bubble Bass! Ow! Bubble Bass: Huh? | Squidward, wait! Let him handle this. |
Suburban Dad: Take that! And that! What? All right. You've got me cornered. But I won't give up without a fight! Mermaid Man: I was hoping you'd say that. Squidward: It was a real knockdown, drag-out fight. Or it would've been, if it hadn't been just two sad adults playing with toys. Bubble Bass: Wait. Wait! Roll the dice. Did his punch land? Bubble Bass' friend: It's a hit! Suburban Dad: Huh? Oh. | Where were you this afternoon? Where's Squidward's clarinet? |
Bubble Bass: I don't know what you're talking about. I was here all day. I swear it! Suburban Dad: Billy, don't make me turn this boat around. Bubble Bass: No! I still could have passed you off as near mint! Bubble Bass' friends: Aww. So, sorry, man. | I am so sorry for your loss. |
Squidward: I'm not. Come on, SpongeBob, let's go. This is a dead end. Squidward: Well, there's only one more person on my list of suspects. | Patrick Star? |
Squidward: Um, yeah, how'd you know? Patrick: Hey, guys! Squidward: Well, the criminal returns to the scene of the crime. Spill the beans, Jack! Where's my clarinet? Patrick: I don't know who Jack is! But I would like some beans! Squidward: Let me lay it out for you, Chucko. When I took my nap today, you broke in through the window, smashed my living room, got that goo you're eating all over and stole my clarinet! Patrick: Oh, this isn't goo. It's jelly! The good stuff too, from real jellyfish. | Real jellyfish jelly? You can only find that in one place. That means our thief... |
Squidward: Must have been at Jellyfish Fields! Let's go! | Right behind you, pal. Huh? Whoa! |
Squidward: When we arrived at Jellyfish Fields, I could already hear my clarinet's dulcet tones. Squidward: My baby! Ha! | Oh! So it was the jellyfish that took your clarinet. But from the sound of it, I'd say they've learned that crime doesn't play! Look, Squidward. The jellyfish are fans of your music. |
Patrick: We should solve another mystery now. | Yeah, uh, how about the mystery of where all my coins went? Huh? |
Patrick: Solved! Jellyfish: Thank you. | Squidward, yeah! Yeah, Squidward! |
Squidward: And that's how it ended. Clarinet returned. Case closed. Another mystery solved by: Squidward Tentacles, Jazz Detective. Old Man Walker: Oh! Pardon me, young lady. What a fox. Plankton: Ooh! You're all mine you sweet Krabby Patty. Ooh hoo-hoo-hoo! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Initiating launch sequence. Krabby Patty, here I come! Old Man Walker: Eh, eh... I hope I don't miss again. Plankton: Reunited, and it's gonna feel so good! D'oh! Mr. Krabs: Ooh, ooh, ooh, sweet wampum. Huh! Whazzat? Squidward, where are you? Shield me with your forehead! So, it was a just another failed Krabby Patty theft attempt by my arch competitor, Plankton! For a second there, I mistook you for a threat. But you're just a dirty little man. So long, shrimp! Plankton: Curse you, Mr. Kraaaaaabs! Ow! Ouch! Karen: So, typical day of failure, I see, huh, darling? Plankton: Oh, can it, computer wife. Can't you see I'm exhausted? Why don't you go make yourself useful and synthesize me up some grub? Karen: Yes, your majesty. Plankton: What do we got here? Oh, goody. Holographic meatloaf again! When am I gonna get some real food? Mr. Krabs gets to eat real food. Just look at his daughter, she's as big as a whale! I wish I could be successful like Mr. Krabs. I wish I could somehow just switch lives with him. Just to know what it's like. Karen: Then why don't you just use that Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier thing you built last Tuesday? Plankton: What a brilliant idea! Your parents must have been like, part computer or something. Now, let's see here. No... no... no... A-ha! Well, I hate to leave you, Karen, but you know what they say... a rolling stone gathers no algae. Ahh... Ugh... dear Neptune above, what happened last night? Huh, what's this? Mr. Plankton? Who the Davey? Ehh... I'm in the Krusty Krab... and that means the life switcher was a success! The Krusty Krab is mine! Corporate casual! Alternate-Universe SpongeBob SquarePants: Order up! Two deluxe Krabby Patties. Mr. Plankton: At last! Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: There you are, sir. Two deluxe... Ahoy there, Mr. Plankton. Mr. Plankton: Er, um, hey there, uh, SpongeBob. Uh, SpongeBob? Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Yes, sir! Mr. Plankton: I'm gonna need to take one of these Patties back to my office for um, bun inspection. Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: I'm afraid you can't do that, Mr. Plankton! Mr. Plankton: Why- why not? Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Because that Patty is for the customer, sir! Mr. Plankton: The customer? I'll boil the customer in hot oil, and rip out his— I mean, yes, of course, for the lovely... customer. Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: But you can take these Patties, sir. I made them in the off chance that you'd decide to instigate some bun inspection today, Mr. Plankton, sir! Mr. Plankton: Uhh... yes, uh, very nice. Um, thanks. All mine, it's finally all mine! The Patties... The wealth... The notoriety! The... SpongeBob, what do you want? Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Well, it's just that it's Tuesday again, sir, and I was wondering if I could have my, um... weekly performance review! Mr. Plankton: Review? Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Oh, yes, please, sir, please! Mr. Plankton: But I've never reviewed anything... except those foreign exercise videos my cousin sent me. Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Oh, please, sir! I want to make you so happy and proud! Mr. Plankton: Eh, you're doing fine. Now leave me to my work. Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: But, sir! Mr. Plankton: I thought I sent you away, cretin! Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: But, sir, there's gotta be something I need to improve on. Anything! Mr. Plankton: All right, the sauce. Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Wh-what? Mr. Plankton: The sauce. I don't know. You're using too much sauce, okay? Review's over. Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh... Mr. Plankton: What? Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh... Mr. Plankton: What's the matter with you? All I said was A little too much sauce. It's no big deal, really. Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh... Mr. Plankton: What do you want from me, a promotion?! Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: A pro- a promo- a promotion?! Mr. Plankton: Uh, sure, kid, you're uh... you're on register now. Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Register! Mr. Plankton: Glad that's over. Alternate-Universe Squidward J. Q. Tentacles: SpongeBob, do you remember that little talk we had about 'personal space'? Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward. I'm official, look! Alternate-Universe Squidward: Co-Cashier?! Mr. Plankton: So, have you two known each other long? Huh? Alternate-Universe Squidward: You can't do this to me, Mr. Plankton! If you think I'm going to stand out there all day listening to... Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... Alternate-Universe Squidward: Then you must have coral wedged in your frontal lobe! Mr. Plankton: So what do you want me to do about it? Alternate-Universe Squidward: I'd like my view to be a little less yellow, if you know what I mean. Mr. Plankton: Hope you like gray. Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, I can see you through this little window! Mr. Plankton: Now, no more intrusions! I'd like to begin writing the memoirs of my success story, so everyone just stay the— Pearl Plankton: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Mr. Plankton: Just tell Daddy what you want! Oof! He's very busy! Pearl Plankton: Could I please have a um... an advance on my allowance? Mr. Plankton: If it'll get you out of my antennae. Go crazy. Pearl Plankton: One dollar!? You hate me! Mr. Plankton: Ow! Alternate-Universe Nat Peterson: You! Mr. Plankton: Me? Alternate-Universe Nat Peterson: You think this is funny? Mr. Plankton: In a cosmic sort of way, yes. Alternate-Universe Nat Peterson: Well, Mr. Funny Man, is this how you get your sick kicks?! Mr. Plankton: What? It's just an ordinary Krabby— Oh, my goodness! Squidward! Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Alternate-Universe SpongeBob appears at the table, next to Mr. Plankton] I tried, Mr. Plankton. I really did. Mr. Plankton: Oh, what now? Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: A customer ordered a medium soda, and I gave him a large! I gave him a large! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! Mr. Plankton: I command you to stop that. Stop that and return to your post! Where's the off button on this thing? Pearl Plankton: Okay, Daddy. I've decided I'm gonna run away! Run away and find a new daddy! Mr. Plankton: Make it stop! What, did I say the secret word? Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: No, sir, he's back. Mr. Plankton: Who's back? What? What was that?! Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Man your stations! Red alert! Red alert! Take cover! Mr. Plankton: Take cover from what?!? Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: He's around here somewhere. There he goes! Mr. Plankton: What? Who? Where? Somebody tell me! Alternate-Universe Harold Bill Reginald Scott: Some say he crawled out from the lowest trench in the ocean. Pearl Plankton: He's the saltiest of all the sea dogs. Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: He's the most hated creature in Bikini Bottom. Krabs: And he's finally got a Krabby Patty! Ar, ar, ar, ar! Mr. Plankton: Krabs?! What the barnacles is going on here?! Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: It's your arch competitor, Krabs. His goal in life is to steal a Krabby Patty and ruin our restaurant. Mr. Plankton: That's terrible! Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Yeah! But the worst part is... Mr. Plankton: Good grief, he's naked! Krabs: Clothe me if you can, silly landlubbers! Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: I'm gonna make you eat those words, Krabs! No shirt, no shoes... no service! Krabs: Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar! Aw, ya got me! Well, at least it's underwire. Here's your stinkin' Patty! Mr. Plankton: I don't understand. Is there a gas leak in here? Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Knick-knack, the Patty's back! You did it, Mr. Plankton. Victory screech! Krabs: Enjoy your victory screech, Plankton, because someday the Krabby Patty formula will be mine! Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: You'll never get this formula, you twisted fiend! Krabs: Oh, but I will! Even if I have to come back tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day... And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day... Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Phone call, Mr. Plankton. Krabs: And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day... Mr. Plankton: It's not worth it! It's just not worth it! Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy. Holographic meatloaf? My favorite! Narrator: Ah. Another quiet day in Bikini Bottom. But it wasn't always this way. Once, it was horrible. The unimaginable happened. One day, SpongeBob SquarePants... changed his pants! I remember it as if it were yesterday. But, in fact, in happened three days ago. | It's laundry day, Gary! Oops. |
Gary: Meow. | ) Now to finish the day's chores. Hello? |
Patrick: Hello. Uh, may I speak with SpongeBob, uh, uh... ...Squaaa...re...Paaaaants? | Mm, speaking. |
Patrick: Hey, hey. You want to hear how long I can do this for? | Actually, Patrick, I'm kind of busy. Can it wait? |
Patrick: No. Narrator: Much later... | Gary, go check on the laundry in the dryer. |
Gary: Meow, meow. Narrator: Much much later... Patrick: A pretty long time. Huh? | Yeah, Patrick. Gary? They've shrunk! I'm gonna need to get new pants. |
Clerk: I'm sorry, Mr. SpongeBob, but we're not expecting another shipment of square pants for months. | Oh. No. Nope. Ew, not these. Uh-uh. Whoa, these pants hug my body better than my own mother! Hey, Patrick! Notice anything different? Pose. Pose. Pose. Pose. |
Patrick: Do I know you? | It's me, SpongeBob. |
Patrick: SpongeBob? No, you're not! SpongeBob has square pants. Now, leave me alone, you mysterious stranger. | Patrick is so full of tartar sauce. I'm still me. It's just a pair of pants. It's not like my friends won't recognize me. |
Sandy: Well, howdy, stranger! I don't recognize you in those newfangled dungarees. You must be SpongeBob FancyPants. Clothes really do make the man! | Sandy didn't recognize me either. These pants are more powerful than I thought. Course it was just Sandy, and Neptune knows what goes on inside a squirrel's head. But I know my best buddy Squidward will recognize me. We have been through so much together. |
Squidward: Oh, no. It's that little yellow freak. | Hi, Squidward! |
Squidward: Just ignore him. Maybe he'll go away. | Oh, Squidward! Guess who? |
Squidward: Do I know you? | Oh, sure you do. It's me, SpongeBob... SquarePants. |
Squidward: Never seen you before in my life. | Well, maybe these pictures of us together will job your memory. Me and you at my birthday party. You and me at work. That little slumber party we had last week. I forgot when this was taken. |
Squidward: Is that supposed to be you? I can't believe it. He actually left. | Squidward didn't know me either. It's like we'd never met. Maybe Patrick is right. Oh no, it's locked. Gary! Hey, Gary! Can you open the door?! I left my keys in the other pants. |
Patrick: Hello. Can I help you? | Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob. |
Patrick: Oh, right. You're that round pants fellow. | Patrick, what are you doing in my house? |
Patrick: Your house? This house belongs to SpongeBob SquarePants. At least it did before he left us. I wish I could see him one last time. | Oh, barnacles! I guess I'm not 'SpongeBob SquarePants' anymore. I'll have to start all over again. Hello, sir. I'd like an application, please. My name is SpongeBob Sq... Sorry, I'm a little... I'm a little... I'm a little nervous. My name is SpongeBob... RoundPants. And I would like to seek employment at this eating establishment. Oh, dear! Are you ok, Mr. Cashier? Ooh! Here are the applications. Let's see here. Name. SpongeBob RoundPants. Well, this is going well. Hey, Mr. Cashier, looks like we're gonna be coworkers! Question two. Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Hmm, what's a felony? |
Squidward: Being too darn happy all the time! | Oh, yeah! Lots and lots of felonies. |
Squidward: Moron. Mr. Krabs: What's going on here?! | I'm filling out an application. |
Mr. Krabs: Get to work. | Then I got the job?! |
Mr. Krabs: Oh boy. | My first day on the job. I am so excited. Woo-hoo! |
Squidward: Whatever. | You've worked here a long time. Why don't you show this rookie the ropes? |
Squidward: Oh, I'd love to. | Yay! |
Squidward: But...no! Don't... | So what do I do first? |
Squidward: Fine. Take a Krabby Patty and put it on the grill. | Shouldn't you watch it? |
Squidward: Why? I don't think it's going anywhere. | Ooh, very Zen. What next, oh, oracle of Krabby wisdom? |
Squidward: I'm going to the bathroom. | Hmm, I'll go, too. How's it going in there, boss? |
Squidward: Um... fine. | Going fine. Oh, Mr. Squidward... Whatcha reading? Bathroom break. Check. |
Squidward: Here's the slop you ordered. Enjoy. If you can choke it down. | Be rude to customers and insult food. Nasally laugh. |
Customer: Can I get a Krabby Patty Combo? Squidward: No. Customer: How about a Double Krabby? | No. |
Customer: Can I get a Triple Patty with cheese? | Oh I think you've had way too many of those. |
Squidward: Taught him everything he knows. Mr. Krabs: What are you two doing?! Get to work! I'm used to Squidward sleeping on the job, but I expect more from you, Mr. SquarePants. | I am not SpongeBob SquarePants, Mr. Krabs. |
Mr. Krabs: What in the name of Davy Jones are you talking about? | I mean, do these pants look square to you? They're round. |
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, so? | I can't be SpongeBob SquarePants with round pants. |
Mr. Krabs: Who told you that? | Patrick. |
Mr. Krabs: Well, why don't you just take them off? | Order up, Squidward. |
Sandy: Well if it isn't SpongeBob UnderPants! Mr. Krabs: ♪Yar-har, Pearl's my daughter, I'll spit in your eye! Yo-ho, Pearl's a whale, and it's her birthday, yar-yar-yar!♪ Ta-da! Pearl: Thanks for the show, Dad. Now can we open the presents? Mr. Krabs: Oh, all right. Presents for me darling little sardine. Here ya are. Pearl: Oh, you shouldn't have. What is it, Daddy? It wouldn't be those totally hip new flipper slippers all my friends are wearing, would it? Everyone wants them. Mr. Krabs: Uhh...they might be. Pearl: Whee! Oh, you shouldn't have, yay, you shouldn't have. I mean, Dad, you really shouldn't have! Mr. Krabs: Pearl, these are the finest fishin' boots available! Pearl: Dad, you ruined me! Mr. Krabs: But I got them for a bargain! Oh, what am I gonna do? I spent two whole dollars on these boots and now I'm stuck with them! | Oh, uhh, Mr. Krabs, can I get my paycheck? |
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBoy, me Bob! Come in. Come in, right this way, laddie! Have a seat anywhere, but not on these beautiful priceless boots. So you want to get paid? | Uhh, sir, I can't see you. The boots are in the way. |
Mr. Krabs: In the way? These boots never leave my sight! These are the most expensive and prized possessions I own. | Wow, really? Why is that, they just look like any old ordinary boots. |
Mr. Krabs: Ordinary boots? These are the only official fry cook boots! Only the finest fry cooks in the world are permitted to wear them! Part of a tradition. And these boots were given to me by the most famous fry cook in the sea. | Who's that? |
Mr. Krabs: Oh, uhh, oh, well, his name's not important, but he was famous, all right, don't you worry. | ♪I'm ready! I'm ready! I want those boots!♪ |
Mr. Krabs: Sorry, son, these boots are far too valuable. | Hmmm.. I know! What if I give you my Krusty Krab paycheck? |
Mr. Krabs: Paycheck! You got a deal-- | And what if I paint the Krusty Krab for free? |
Mr. Krabs: You've got a deal. | And I'll throw in a year's supply of French fry orders! |
Mr. Krabs: You got a... | And... |
Mr. Krabs: Hold on there, lad! You're gonna give me a heart attack! You got yourself a deal. | Hey, Squidward. Do you like my new boots? Pretty cool, huh? Now, I'm an official fry cook! |
Squidward: That squeaking is gonna drive us all crazy! Mr. Krabs: Nonsense, Squidward. That squeaking is money to my ears. I mean, music. Mr. Krabs: Money, money, money, money, money. Ten, twenty, thirty, forty... Wha? Who's there? Back to countin' me money. One, two, three, four, five... What the barnacle is that? Arrgh, that was the worst night I ever weathered. At least I'll have some peace and quiet at work. Squidward: That's it, Mr. Krabs; I'm taking my vacation now. Mr. Krabs: What's wrong, Mr. Squid-ard? Squidward: I can't take the world's greatest fry cook anymore! I'll see you in a week. Mr. Krabs: That fry cook's making me a fortune. What could be the problem? | Hey, Mr. Krabs! |
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-ob. Mr. Krabs: I... uhh, I see you're still wearing them boots. | Are you kidding? I love them! Could the world's greatest fry cook do this? |
Mr. Krabs: Well, I don't... uhh... I don't... uhh... | Or could he do this? Or this? And watch this, Mr. Krabs! |
Squeaky Boots: May I take your order? Francis: Yeah, I'll have the Krusty Special. Squeaky Boots: Thank you, sir. I will squeak when it's ready. | Could the greatest fry cook do that, Mr. Krabs? |
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