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This is just the
opening highball in a long haggle between bloodthirsty corporations. There
will be a bill for my first visit too. | When they misdiagnosed my agonizing
lethal condition as a minor nuisance. Insurance will say no and the hospital
will stick me with it. |
Come on honey– how bad could it be.
Anyway.
There Is No God, But
we still have the mountains and the hummingbirds. Or a good drink and a
good fuck. | Even a good shit and a good jerk. Try as you might, you cannot
escape small pleasures. |
They
sold you the machine and the machine sold you things you auto-paid every month until they became
invisible. He paid for Microsoft Office every month, for iCloud every month. | He paid for his car
every month; when he took it in for service the man told him he couldn’t check the brakes. These tires
are so bald it’s dangerous for me to take the wheels off. |
I can
stand so my balls don’t touch my thighs. I can avoid sitting. | But I cannot
prevent my balls from having contact with each other. Pissing is OK, until I
get to the last “drain it all the way” squirt. |
I really like you and
I’m sorry. Can you forgive me, he said. | Can we talk about it.
It was a day before he heard back. Whoever you are, she said, you’re amazing.
Thank you.
Can I ask you something?
Yes?
Can you keep writing for him?Father of the Sword
Joy had the day off. |
And
yet I suffer too when I comp ly. Women are awful. | If you try you’re
doomed. If you don’t try, there are no women to observe you not
trying. |
Her name tag said Sophie . Sheer white shirt. | Aqua color bra
underneath. The first natural color hair he’d seen in weeks. |
Who stops by someone’s house
unannounced. A guy who fucked you five times and threw you out. | Who cared
what she thought.
He served her. Then himself. |
But I kind of want to go home with you too.
Nothing bad’ s going to happen.OK, she said. Let me close my tab.
I’m gonna drain the lizard. | I’ll meet you back at the bar .
Now you sound like you do this all the time.
First time the girl’s talked about her boyfriend though, he said. Feels
a little unfair .
He saw her face change. |
There was nothing to steal.
**
He was in a church talking to his mother. He was saying I’m sorry and she said it’s OK, it’s OK.
Nothing you can do now. | He reached out to touch her hair and she seemed put off. It wasn’t OK after
all. |
Fucking another girl didn’t take
it away. Maybe liking another girl would. | I want to like a girl like I like you.
Thinking through this piece, I got over it. You’re a sick person. |
Steam
twirled out. The edges of the chili were molten. | Bubbling. He dipped in his white plastic spoon. |
Now the nose please– tilt your head back –
His neck didn’ t want to move. He flinched like Norwood might cut his
throat. | But he leaned back. Norwood produced what looked like a small
chrome drain snake. |
The voice
of the dead.
I’ll help you, he said. I’ll help you. | Stay right here.
He had to uncrimp Larry’s bleeding hands from his shirt to stand up. He looked out the holes
where the windows were. |
Instead she
swabbed my balls with her palm while I jerked myself off. Cupped her
cinder block ass in my other hand through her knockoff Juicy sweats. | White
terrycloth.
Cops cracking down in Rosemead. God forbid a man gets what he wants. |
Wonder if the old
man has her dirty panties. I could stand a whiff. | He fell asleep trying to
remember the smell of her neck.
**********
The last time he looked in the old man’s window he saw a picture of himself.
It was sunset. He’d been with his upstairs neighbor by the trash cans,
smoking. |
I’m almost forty for
Christ’ s sake.
Yep. Hard to find in this town though.
They parted ways. | He walked out front to look for the cat. There was
the light and the window and the hand; no dick in it this time. |
A thump as the door
slammed behind him. A black vestibule for a second. | The big gray sky outside. Then the wind picked
up. |
He doesn’t like
anybody . Once in a while he lets them get a palm on his back and I tell them
this is exceptional.
I don’t give a shit if the cat likes you. | It’s not a sign we’re meant to be. You
could walk in the room and the cat could scream like he’s on fire. |
I’d still
fuck you. I’d still care how fast you text me back for a week. | I’d still stop
caring after a week. The cat can run and hide like his back leg was crushed
by the garbage truck or snuggle up to your neck. |
I in my
burnished brass codpiece, chiseled deltoids rippling as I swing a double-
bladed fire axe at a demon spider with sixteen cat eyes. You, astride the
rampant beast in chains, nude but for a tattered bikini and a seal fur cloak that
conveniently blows aside from your breasts and crotch in hot winds stirred
by a distant alien volcano. | Your buttocks could be credibly described as
“meaty orbs.” My eyes speak of hellfire and lust as I land the killing blow.
The unholy death shriek of the beast echos against the jagged black crags in
the middle distance. Three moons look on. |
I think about burying my tongue in
her musky morning twat. Cumm ing in her. | Making the decision not to pull
out this time. She scolds me playfully . |
Look up mumbling Lord make me a channel of thy peace
and see trees tossing in the wind. Remember something. | Every thing is OK
and be good to people. Just do your best. |
He was 36. There was a small
party outside; unrelated. | People in her room. He had a trapped chunk of coke burning into his sinus by
his eyeball. |
Lost a flip flop in the sand and she laughed. We are going south, she said. | My father is not far
from here.
He did know how to drive it. He’d gone canoeing on a family vacation, at fourteen. |
But I am going to look a beat too
long. I am not going to nervously look at the ground after, admitting
transgression. | There’s an art to leering at women, they say. Not getting
caught. |
Inside, on a black
cushion, a sickle-shaped knife. I’ll just need a sample, he said. | Hold still
please. And pull the hair back, all the way back. |
Got cuffed. I feel bad. | Fuckin Friday night too. Means
it’s Sunday and he’ s still in the can.I used to drink like that. |
There are also
hemorrhoids. She was not wrong. | Hideously coiled blue worms just on the
verge of prolapsing. You induce a narrative. |
And I’m worri ed about it.
Meanwhile buying a plane ticket late for Christmas cost me $200. My 33%
rent increase sucks thousands out of me into my hideous landlady and her
“silent partners. | ” Now she wants money for the sliding door that Angela
broke. She insisted on replacing with a better unit. |
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Al-Anon is housewives who
congratulate themselves on staying with wife beaters. | Something in me
smells their weakness. I want to punch them for burning a roast. |
How much more do I need. He searched Windows for
“calculator.” It tried to sell him something. | A feature of Windows 10 was you couldn’t just search
files. You simultaneously searched the web with Bing, which offered monetized suggestions. |
We call him
Jack.
That’ s funny .
How’ s shit with you, the neighbor asked.
Good. Working. | You know how it is. Beats the shit out of me. |
His phone vibrated. His heart stoppe d for a
second. | W hat if it was her.
It was a friend. A guy. |
I’d said my lower
back hurt. And it did, from Romanian deadlifts. | But Thai massage places–
“lower back” means “stroke my ass.” “Upper thighs” means “please please
jerk me off.” My lower back hurt like fuck and I told her so. But what she did
was reach into my cat underwear and finger my crack. |
Their career oriented questions, like
cigarette burns on my neck.
Now I'm waiting for my date. I chose this venue so I'd talk to her. | Not fuck
and run. Of course, last time I took a date here I took her up the block and
fucked her and came in three pumps. |
What women want. But she told him: don’t
be like that. | It’s not who you are.
He started again. A little fairy tale. |
Fuck a
dog. Dog pussy .
46. | Give up. Guys like me are who they should draft into wars. |
They sold newspaper
subscriptions over the phone, the Los Angeles Times. The guys who didn’tremember had nothing to lose, and were merciless. | Screaming rejections
were water off a duck’s back. They stuck to the script; they created a sense
of urgency; they made a call to action. |
Well OK. You were worthy of love and
got it. | You didn’t return it and you only made their lives worse for knowing
you. You took them on a date and got them drunk like a machine and then
fucked them and never spoke to them again.
Pussy was just another kind of booz e. |
Better not
come over and not even fuck me just touch my back please for five minutes,
maybe with your top of f…
The problem not drinking: you’re never disinhibited. Never believe you
could be great, or just OK. | And to have something you can’t want it. Or it
has to be meant to be. |
What kind of information, she
said.
We have every kind. We buy everything you put in your computer. | Your phone, everything from
your credit card. We know everything about people and we put it together so… you know what ads
are?
Yes sir.
We put it together so people can make better ads.
Do you like it?
I hate it.
Then why do you do it?
I need money. |
Pussy wants a mansion or pussy wants
to sleep on the sidewalk. I have an apartment.
My date will flake. | After I leave my house to meet her. Something came up.
She won’t sugge st an alternate time. |
You’re a scumbag but you surprised me with the
Debussy.
You didn’t remember that? I talk about it on OKCupid.
We didn’t meet on OKCupid. It was Tinder, she said.
Are you sure?
I don’t have OKCupid. | I don’t think anyone does anymore.Will you go out with me again?
I don’t know, honestly. You’re hot but I kind of need a guy with a job.
Why don’t you just stay with me until you find him.
We’ll see, she said, and dug her face between his arm and chest. |
This part of my
anatomy is perfectly shaped like fingers because I’m a Chad. She’s
crawling on top of me in the warm water . | Maximizing the surface area of
her 25 year old hamstring on my flesh… my boyfriend knows I’m not
monogamous, she says. But he’s right there. |
He turned her away. The shining trophy of sexual
sobriety is: you can turn down pussy if it throws itself at you. | Well what if
you’re not in a band. What if you’re a conscientious hardworking reasonably
well dressed taxpayer, aka: nothing. |
She’s never done that before. Never barked like that
before either; it’ s weird. | I think she knew it was you.
Yeah, she smelled me.
He sat down and the dog sat with him and she wasn’t shaking
anymore. She knows I’m the man of the house, he thought. |
I put my bare dick in whores, in a
country where the average net worth is a chicken. Came back, paid extra for
the full bore VD panel. | Nothing.
STDs don’t exist. Not for people like me. |
Crow-step roof ornaments echoed the high jagged ridgeline to the
East, now dusted with snow. Mock-crenellated walls accented custom arched front facing windowsin a facade carefully angled to optimize sweeping sea views. | False minarets poked into brilliant blue
sky. Hispano-Moorish arches beckoned to an airy and inviting atrium.
No way.
It is! she said. |
At the end I gave her a peck on the bottom lip. We agreed
to go to dinner this week. | I felt like I had no dick.
Fuck right away or nothing. Fuck right away or they hate you. |
You have to leave him. Come back. | I made one
mistake. I’d be with you now instead of alone, swimming in this fucking
garbage patch.
You’re a cunt but when I die I want to be back waking up next to you in
Texas. |
Don’ t want it to be totaled. Looked forward to driving my
Certified Pre-Ow ned 2014 Subaru Legacy to SF this week. | Mountains and
farmlands with satellite radio. Comfortable cruising vehicle with reasonably
sharp handling. |
But it’s mechanically
impossible for a straight man to get an STD.
I hope they were 18 at least.
I have no idea.
He did cum too fast. They kissed for a minute and then turned their
attention back to the movie. | The Baader Meinhof Complex . Young
German terrorists suffer from brutality , paranoia and infighting as
they campaign violently to end American imperialism over 10 years.
The women were painfully hot. |
Abdullah said
it’s just a name for the believers to work under–
… a brand.
I guess, said Fritz. How’d you get into this shit anyway?
Into what?
Blowing up the world.
I’m just giving information.
But you know what they’re gonna do with it, right?
I assume get money. | They have some utopian project–
They want nukes man. Your company has credit card records of every big general. |
I’m fine he said,
I’ll be fine. He does this. | Relax, said Ricky. We do this shit all the time.
**
They finished the case. |
Asian girls get a pass.
Mary’s head is shaped like the Apollo space capsule. Pointy on top and huge
at the bottom. | Her weird too small teeth like a pulp novel cannibal. She’s a 6
really. |
I don’t
have a wife, he said.
No wife, no baby?
No baby. You?
No baby, she said. | Not yet. Girlfriend?
No girlfriend.
Her palm on top of his ass crack made his blood change direction. |
He was handsome. Had money. | Said it was from software. The new
way of saying your dad. |
The baby gets cancer . What if I can’t provide. | What if
my rent goes up. What if I had to move. |
She wanted to watch them lance my ass. A
keeper. | At night I think about the smell of her neck. It’ll be over soon.
Two doctors. |
This was so I could get a picture of her tits. It’s been less
than ten hours and I’ve masturbated to it five times.
When you ran away from me I called you and called you. | Of course,
your phone wasn’t working. I texted you that if you didn’t answer we
would never speak again. |
With these tools I create Data Driven Solutions
for Market Leading Brands. On Halloween, fake police tape proclaims my
space a “Zombie Zone.” I am drug tested. | I’m too uncool to do drugs so Ipass. A portion of my check is withheld into a retirement account. |
Only way I know to help her. Only way to make
her respect me. | She’s good. And she’s a hot girl. |
$500. Vlad.
He didn’t write for money. | Instead he made cold calls for a real estate office in Rancho
Cucamonga. I see the lease is almost up on your refrigerated warehouse. |
The doctor may
discuss it with you. She handed him the clipboard. | The forms.
OK is it more than ten thousand dollars?
I can’ t give information in advance
A hundred thousand?
I can’ t–
I’m joking, it’ s fine. How is it working here
It’s good, I have time to study . |
She was a
good writer. That alone, impossible. | What did I lose it for, he thought. I
didn’t mean anything bad. |
If you
want something you can’t have it. It’s when you remove desire that things
come. | Actually no– if you don’ t want something you cant have it either . Youjust can’t have anything. |
Lean to the left please.
Are you gonna cut of f more hair?
Just a little sample. How long have you had the psoriasis –
Is that what it is? It’s–OW–it was like this for a year but only my forehead,
now it’ s my cheeks and eyelids, it’ s starting to hurt–
Well I’m sorry to hear that. | No cure I’m afraid.
Is there treatment?
There are cream s, said Norwood. But that’s at the surface level. |
I know this is hard news. Also, second shift
packed 5,000 unicorn votive stands with no bubble wrap. | This product is genuine glass. Before we
start on quota we’ll take them out and repack.
Violins began to play. |
The windows wouldn’t stay straight. She looked for Bryan.
He was next to her but it took a long time to find him. | He was biting his lip.
I can’t.
It’s all right, we won’t tell. The girls in our class do it. |
But she was looking
at double crested cormorant. I pointed out the one pair of American coots left
after the migration. | They’re an interesting duck, she said. Well no. |
America is Satan’ s agent
in the world, spreading the Antichrist gospel of “work ethic.” It must be
annihilated. This is what I believe.
Trump, while fun when irritating people, is just one more Satanic agent
pushing jobs, jobs, jobs. | Entrepreneurs and hustlers are not human beings.
They are demons. Their purpose is to propagate evil.
America treats these malforme d creatures as gods. |
In the age
of yoga pants I must know every contour of your crack and cameltoe.
Still no cocoa. At what point do I ask. | Unending stream of customers. Getting
her attention is like making a tough left turn. |
And yet: life is still mostly shit.
Privilege does not mean happ iness. When I think about black people’ s
oppression I just think how great it would be to have huge medial deltoids
and a big dick.
I fucked Holly yesterday . | Thank God. She asked me to stop but it counts.
She asked me to stop because she wants me to rape her. |
The week
before she’d slept with a homeless guy from the subway. I took her bowling,
then home. | Pulled up her dress and licked her soft belly. Her little panties
with a tiny salt crust from her fat cu– DON’T THINK ABOUT ITMy Brief Abstinence Career
What the fuck is a guy in a band going to tell me about pussy. |
If they like me I don’t like them. If they’re pretty they
won’t fuck me. | If they’re ugly they will. I spend my hours trying to find the
prettiest woman who’s just ugly enough to fuck me. |
Do
you not wish to warm yourself by my fire?
I’ve been unfair to you, she said. He paused the movie.
What?
I shouldn’t even tell you this but I forgot my texts come to that fucking thing.
Well I didn’t look. | But now you better tell me.
It might hurt you.
It’ll hurt me a lot more if I don’t know what it is.
I’m seeing other people.
Who, Judah?
Judah made Youtube videos. He ate unusual flavors of Japanese potato chips
and commented on them. |
Your self hating voice never gets tamed. Even after you
get a little known. | Make a little money. Girls in different cities mail you dirty
panties and buy plane tickets to fuck you and you walk around with a secret. |
After that,
Elton John’ s “I Guess That’ s Why They Call it the Blues.” He’d been
told to pray when it hurt. Dear Lord, why not just have the clouds
spell my name and form a middle finger . | His date had the kale salad.
Yeah, I went to a couple Sex Addicts meetings once, she said. Dear
Lord, forget I complained.
He fingerfucke d her against a tree by Echo Park Lake. |
When
he got back in the driver’s seat she was conscious.
Where are you taking me, she said.
Out of LA. He started the car.
What happened in there.
They’re dead. | Can you trust me for a minute and keep your head down please, he said.
Why–
Just for a minute he said, and pulled out. OK you can sit up. |
Desperately want to not go to work. Don’t want to
go to the gym. | Don’t want to write. Just want free money and pussy. |
Her face wasn’t like yours but she had big tits. She left me
too. | I was hurting from you and I tried to fix it and now I’m hurting
from both of you and the evidence keeps piling up that I’m unlovable.
Why won’t you love me. What is wrong with me. |
When I go
back she will tell me that Huns tried to take my 2007 A cer Aspire. She foughtthem off. | Stay in the can till it comes to me. Yeah, I could tell you have a
touch of Charles Bronson going on. |
She was in a relationship . Formally engaged or not was hard to tell.
That section of About Me was blank. | She’d had to look avail able for her
career . Often key decision makers were still men.
But they went on trips togeth er. |
Her eyes just said
what the fuck. He grabbed her arm and pulled her under the desk and she started to scream but then
there was thunder and the building blew in. | When the car alarms woke him she was gone.Angel of the Morning
His buddy told him: try Seeking Arrangement. I put that I’m worth two million. |
I missed you.
I had to work baby . I got out late. | This girl was talking, wanted me to go
camping.
What girl?
From work.
Who?
Nobody . Don’ t worry .
Is she prettier than me?
He looked at her. |
My ass pumping ridiculously,
muscles upon muscles. It’s a fine body but it feels like a costume, or a parade
float that I drive. | It’s not me.
God I miss you so bad.
I’m trying to get over it. My weapon is prayer. |
You want to flex your taint, muscle
out the last few drops. This requires your asshole. | Everything requires your
asshole. And now every nerve command stops on its way there. |
I just want to statutory
rape them like a normal person.
That’s an hour. Then AA. | You’re there to be lifted spiritually by serving
others. You spend 53 out of 60 minutes sulking over a better looking guy withthe one hot girl. |
She is wearing plastic sandals the color of band aids.
Lena Dunham knows I exist. Ha. | Take that, with your stupid schoolwork. I
called her show a trifle but now I’m thinking about her movie, which I loved.
That movie was genius because she favorited my tweet. |
No heavy bench press, no heavy military.
I now have the upper body of Barbie without the tits. It hurts when I hold the
bar to dead lift. | It hurts when I support the bar to squat. It hurts when I do a
pullup.
Keep hammering on it anyway. |
When I started again it
was garbage. Still garbage. | No one reads it. And that zero cut in half since I
stoppe d telling bald dorks how to get OKCupid pussy. |
It said This girl is driving me nuts. Men would
text him their woman problems. | He told them go fuck another girl.
They thought he was a genius.Why are we made this way, he thought. You like them and it makes
them not like you. |
Build a bunker underground for our
hundreds of offspring. With whom I’ll also breed.
Let me cocoon you to my futon in 1,000 layers of Saran Wrap until you’re an
atrophied putrifying jelly. | Just a mouth hole and a little bit of face poking out.
Only sensory input is my Q tip tickling your eyelids.
Let me bang your fart gas into my aorta with a sharpened turkey baster. Let
me war paint with your period. |
Bunch of nice shit at his yard sale. Quality furniture and art. | A tasteful
home.
It was stolen from a girl’s house. An OKCupid first date. |
I needed to draw her back. I needed a miracle. | I needed
cocaine. My dealer had been deported to Honduras. |
These guys are on bath salts all day. It reminds of them of this leaf they chew back
home. | They got loose lips.
The phone made a sound. Then the computer. |
I’m afraid of hurting her with this post. I’m afraid and I’m
going to die and nothing I do can help. | W ell our time is up, he said.
Got out and El Chuco called saying he’d left his car in Roseme ad. Could I
help him get it. |
It will happen under Trump. Every
American must be annihilated with atomic weapons. | Land given back to the
coyotes. It’ s the only solution.
I felt bad for her. |
Remembering like he was doing it now that the burgers were
not flipped. That McDonald’s patented clamshell grill technology simultaneously seared each side to
perfection. | He’d once slipped on mop water and perfectly seared his hand on it. The manager scotch
taped a bandage on and made him work through lunch rush. |
Subsets and Splits