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Get Schwifty
Rick
I’ve seen enough of the galaxy to know that what we’ve got here is a Cromulon from the Cygnus-5 Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won’t go away until Earth shows them it’s got a hit song.
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Rick
No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly-written, catchy, original song. The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms.
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President
All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people. Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote “Umbrella” and “Single Ladies”? You people haven’t heard of The-Dream?
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Rick
You’re gonna wanna put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.
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Nathan
How do you know about that?
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President
For God’s sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google Maps.
995
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President
What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?
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President
Dear God.
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Rick
Good luck, Mr. President.
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President
Sanchez! Are you a musician?
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Rick
I dabble, Mr. President.
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President
Get this man and his grandson on a Blackhawk to Area 51.
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Principal Vagina
Hi, Principal Vagina. The name’s real, possibly Scandinavian. I’m just gonna come out and make this pitch. The old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true god, the giant head in the sky.
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Principal Vagina
Ah, di di di di. Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that… what have you done for me lately? So if you wanna excuse me, I’m going out on the sidewalk and dropping to my knees and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather! Outta my way!
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Mr. Goldenfold
Ohhhh, this is my favorite part!
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Morty
Rick, are you really a musician?
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Rick
Who’s NOT a musician, Morty?
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Morty
Me!
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Rick
Yeah, not with that attitude.
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Morty
B-b-but we don’t have a song!
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Principal Vagina
Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we’ve done. We’re sorry for increased levels of emissions and our racism. And of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone.
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Rick
All right, Morty, let’s get ready to do it! Why don’t you, uh, find a button on one of those keyboards and lay down some kind of beat?
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Morty
Rick, I think we need to cut our losses. We get our family and portal out of here!
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Rick
Morty! Good music comes from people who are relaxed. Just hit a button, Morty! Gimme a beat!
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Morty
Oh man, ok, all right, um…
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Rick
Ahhhhh yeahhhhh Ya gotta get schwifty Ya gotta get schwifty in here It’s time to get schwifty
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Nathan
Get… schwifty? What the hell is that?
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President
It’s our world’s best effort, that’s what.
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Rick
Take off your pants and your panties Shit on the floor Time to get schwifty in here I’m Mr. Bulldops
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Nathan
Mr. Bulldops?
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President
Don’t analyze it, Nathan. It’s working!
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Rick
Take a shit on the floor Time to get schwifty in here
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Summer
Listen! The storm is stopping!
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Rick
Hey, take your pants off It’s schwifty time today
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Principal Vagina
Please be kind to us for we are but tiny things with entire bodies stuck to your ground.
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Beth
Now hold on a second, let’s be rational about this.
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Beth
No, I’m… I’m just saying, we don’t know if there’s a cause-effect relationship --
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Beth
Oh, God, what’s going on now?
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President
What the hell happened?
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Rick
I think planet Earth has just been transported.
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Principal Vagina
The head has left and sent its children!
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Beth
Holy CRAP!
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Summer
Oh dear giant head, we apologize for that discussion! It will never happen again!
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Cromulon
WE ASKED THEM TO SHOW US WHAT THEY GOT. AND THEY DID. NOW WE’LL SEE WHICH OF THEM HAS GOT THE MOST. 24 HOURS, FIVE PLANETS, FIVE SONGS. BUT IN THE END, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. PLANET MUSIC! All participation is involuntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ray.
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Rick
Uhh, it’s probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.
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Cromulon
Welcome back to Planet Music! First up, let’s hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops. The Greebybobes! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.
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Cromulon
DISQUALIFIED!
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Cromulon
There’s one every season. Moving on to planet Arbolez Meterosos. Arbolian Meterososians. SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT.
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Morty
Like we’re not already under enough pressure!
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Rick
Geez, Morty. The guy’s just doing his job. Take it easy.
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Morty
Rick, Ice-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We’ve got six hours to come up with a song!
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Rick
Genius happens in the moment, Morty.
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Morty
Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them with-with-with us if we lose?
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Rick
That’s planning for failure, Morty. Even dumber than regular planning. Balls.
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Rick
Morty, Morty, stop! Listen! There’s only so much charge left in this thing. If we portal home from here and back, we’re not gonna have enough charge left to get off-world. Get it?
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Morty
What?!
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Rick
Yeah, you see, I try to shelter you from certain realities, Morty. Cause if I let you make me nervous, then we can’t get schwifty.
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Morty
Stop saying it like it’s a thing! You made it up!
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Rick
Hey, Morty! Could you lick my…
1,065
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Morty
Rick, cut it out! That’s not funny, Rick!
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Nathan
I’ve seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders.
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President
And what’s your plan, General?
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Nathan
We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a nuclear missile at every one of those heads in the sky.
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President
Our planet’s held captive on a live game show and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I’ll put mine in Rick and Morty. “Get Schwifty” was a jam.
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Principal Vagina
Hello? Yes sir, yeah. Thank you sir, thank you. He says he’s proud of what we’re doing and hopes we have a great Ascension Festival! Happy Ascension!
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Beth
We should pack up and leave town now.
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Jerry
I think it’s inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream. If you’d stop being such an evangelical atheist, you might start enjoying yourself.
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Jerry
Whoa! Look at you! You’re wearing the hat and everything!
1,075
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Summer
Here’s yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight?
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Beth
Yeah, sure. Wait, what??
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Summer
I love you guys. You gave me life. And it’s the will of the many heads that all children honor their parents.
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Beth
Dinner sounds nice.
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Summer
Father, can we please go to the Ascension?
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Jerry
Sure! Let’s go to the Ascension. Wh-wh-what is it?
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Principal Vagina
We hereby send these un-wantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many heads, later to be sneezed back to us as better babies! Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise.
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Summer
Oh yes, yes! Rise to the giant head! You are free to be free!
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Ice-T
A squeegee comes up from the garage, right? And he’s got a lobster in one hand and movie tickets in the other. He’s like, “I’m ready!”
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Ice-T
Who would take a lobster to see Iron Man 3?
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Ice-T
Aw, damn. We’re out of original flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway.
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Rick
Wait, wait, wait! Come on, h-hold on a second!
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Morty
What?!
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Ice-T
Damn. You didn’t tell me you fuck around with portals and shit.
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Morty
That’s it!
1,091
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Rick
Whoa, whoa! Morty! Give me that!
1,092
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Morty
You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down!
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Rick
Morty, just put it down. You don’t know what you’re doing.
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Morty
I’m going to go find Mom and Dad.
1,095
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Rick
Nooooo!
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Rick
Ahhhh, shit!
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President
Ah, shit.
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Morty
Ahhh, shit.
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Summer
And then Ethan played guitar and we learned the Seven Contemplations of the Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the head!
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Jerry
Yeah.
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Principal Vagina
Hi folks, Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It’s 6 p.m., so if you’re a parent, you’re now entitled to adoration from your children.
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Summer
I’m going to start dinner!
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Beth
I don’t know what to say. Summer is doing really well here.
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Jerry
She’s aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become.
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Beth
She’s not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew…
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Beth
That’s not our business as long as Summer is thriving!
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Summer
Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the head desires.