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wanting to skip or postpone my exam my exam is on saturday and i feel a massive urge to reschedule
i experience this often with major exams. *flashbacks to several years prior where i skipped all of my final exams and failed*
i just dont feel ready i dont know im so tired and mentallly fried that i feel a few days might help. but a part of me thinks i should fight this urge and just tank it | self.Anxiety |
Do other bipolar folks have problems with substance abuse? First I want say how great it is to be able to talk about things open in a way I never have before.
I am at a good point in terms of drug and alcohol right now, but I've had big problems in the past.
I od'd many times, each time it was not an intentional suicide attempt, it was me totally not caring about what happened to me and being in extreme distress, usually because of my abusive mother. All this occurred over the space of decades.
Once I fucked up bad with alcohol and methadone. I ended up in the ICU. The doctor told me that a large number of bipolar people have addiction problems.
Now I take my meds exactly as prescribed and the only other drug I use is marijuana, which is not a problem.
Are there others of you that have had any similar problems? | self.bipolar |
Wanted to share some revelations I just had tonight about depression...for the first time in over a year I have hope that things can get better. Hi, I've been depressed for over a year. I still am depressed, but for the first time throughout this hell I actually have gained some insight and now I have hope that things can get better. For me this is really a breath of fresh air because my depression has literally been suffocating me for so long. I know this won't necessarily apply to everyone but I really hope what I share can maybe give some people insight and hope as well. At first I thought my depression was a result of my loneliness. I was able to function okay at work and around people, but when I got home alone it felt like the walls were caving on on me. My mind would race with suicidal and self loathing thoughts. "I hate you", "Kill yourself", "Why are you so stupid"...just examples of things I would say in my head to myself. It is very overwhelming to be in this state of mind and for a long time I thought the only way I would ever be able to find peace of mind is through suicide. I was hospitalized a few months ago for suicidal ideation by my co worker, who had me admitted when I told her I was constantly thinking about killing myself. My hospitalization was tramtic, I felt trapped. Nobody tried to help me. I was isolated in a room for 3 days...it felt like prison. To this day I still think that my hospitalization only made my depression worse. It was really the first time anyone showed that they would do anything they could to help me though, and to this day I will never forget that my co worker really cared about me and was worried sick about what I told her. I was prescribed Wellbutrin while hospitalized. I didn't get any therapy in the hospital, nobody tried to help me conquer my depression. I got the feeling my psychiatrist was just prescribing me a pill, expecting it to "fix" me. Although they told me how important therapy was in combination with medication, I didn't really understand that until now. So I learned tonight, after being on wellbutrin for over 5 months that antidepressants don't actually do anything for depression itself(at least for me). They only suppress the symptoms of depression. For me wellbutrin didnt make me happy, or able to feel emotion. It just gave me energy. It allowed me to wake up and not feel completely drained of energy and unable to move. For the duration I've been on wellbutrin I could still feel my depression mounting and it continued to get worse. The physical symptoms of depression were completely debilitating tonight for me. At work there was no real reason for me to be depressed, there wasn't anything affecting my emotions...I just felt it. I couldn't focus, I couldn't smile(I do door to door work, having a genuine smile is very important, people can definitely tell when you're faking), I couldn't connect with people, I couldn't think...my mind wasnt racing it really just felt...kind of blah...like I couldnt get in a peaceful state of mind even though there wasnt anything bringing me down. I ended up leaving work because I just couldn't get my mind straight. I had to walk about 3 miles to get back to my car so I started talking to my sister(who is very experienced with mental problems, her spouse is BPD, severely depressed, suicidal etc). My mom had actually called her concerned because for the last few days I have been telling my mom that Im suicidal, I just want the pain to end. After thinking carefully about things I came to the conclusion that I don't actually want to die or commit suicide. It's just that the feeling produced by my depression is so severe, that I couldn't think of any other way to express the severity of the way I feel other than to say "I want to die, I want to kill myself". So I told my sister...instead of saying "I want to die" I would start saying "I want this feeling to stop". This was really the first awakening moment for me tonight. I realized that I really do want to live...I just don't want to feel like this anymore and for a long time I thought the only way that I could achieve peace of mind was through suicide. Then I started thinking about why welbutrin wasnt doing anything for the feeling that my depression produces...it wasnt doing anything for the certain feeling in the pit of my stomach...its like an overwhelming feeling of emptiness.but it was helping the symptoms. At this point I learned that the symptoms of depression, and depression itself are not the same thing. I now see my depression as a disease, that will probably never go away. The medication can help suppress the symptoms of my disease and make it easier to live with, and therapy can help me control and cope with the disease itself. Now I have a plan of action for how I can survive this horrible condition even though I know it will never go away. I don't feel happy but I find some comfort in knowing that there are things I can do to feel better, even though I know i will probably never feel normal(or like I did before I became depressed). Thanks for reading I hope some of the thing's I've learned might help some other people. Especially the part about me not wanting die, but just being unable to express the severity of how depression makes me feel. What I really crave the most is peace of mind... and I think I've discovered a plan to gain some peace. | self.depression |
I feel deader than dead. I find that I don't have real "wants" anymore. There would be a flicker of a desire that maybe I want to play Overwatch and it will be fun, but it fizzles as fast as it comes. I think for a moment that maybe I should feed myself. Then I just don't do it. Most days I end up curled up in bed, waiting for the hours to go by There are so many "shoulds" but nothink I *want* to so. An essay due monday? That's just another flicker of thought triggered by sheer sense of responsibility, not by my own conscious will. Besides, who cares about tests and essays when you're thinking about suicide. One week blurs into the next with only another bland weekend in which nothing happens in between. I feel deader than dead. I lived with it for a long while and was diagnosed when it developed suicidal after so many years. Child depression really goes unnoticed, especially because you yourself is not old and knowledgeable enough to recognize it as depression in the first place. The meds work and I'm lucky enough to have money to buy them, but I don't know if they really help. The logical side of me says this is just another bottom-of-the-ocean-deep low phase in my unending cycle of ups and downs. The real me says whatever, I just want to be gone and free from the pain that is life. The only reason I held on so far is my parents. They did nothing to deserve a dead child. I wouldn't be able to repay their love and for the longest time I am just a medicine-run burden. I wish I could love them back. I do love them but I just don't feel anything. It's hard to feel pain, to laugh, to even cry anymore. I'm drained and numb. As dead as dead without physically being dead. I'm a machine that runs on medicine. A ghost that breathes. About time I'm done holding out.
Once upon a time I had a dream. An unrealistic one that even I didn't beleive in. I wanted to be a doctor. A loving doctor who would smile and wave as discharged patients left the hospital. I wanted to help people. To work with groups like doctors without borders and go heal those in need of help. I went to college and realized how the brutal path was simply not for someone of my level. I'm neither smart enough, motivated enough, not dead enough, or probably going to be alive long enough. It's all a sci-fi fantasy now, since dreams became obsolete since I started feeling numb years ago. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm really alive. I feel done. | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm pretty sure my friends suicidal what do I do? My best friends girlfriend left him over something stupid and embarrassing that he did a while back.Anyways I'm pretty sure it's that, he's always saying how he wants to go to an island all alone with no one who loves him. He's told me before that he has depression but never said that he's suicidal. I asked him about it and he firmly denied it. He's always saying really self hating stuff all the time like "I'm just a little emo prick" or "I'm such a depressed little bitch" Idk what to do.Help. | self.SuicideWatch |
Self-harm urges are getting stronger Hey everyone. Dealing with a really rough situation, so I thought I'd share it here.
My mental state has gradually been getting worse for quite some time. While it started off with stronger elements of anxiety, depression has come as a byproduct of the self-isolation and self-sabotage caused by anxiety.
I've never self harmed before, and I haven't had urges for all that long. Recently though the urges have gotten very strong. Ive been punching myself in the head whenever I have an aggressively negative thought about myself and no one else is around. If my brother hadn't come home early today I probably would have cut myself. The only thing holding me back is fear that my family will find out, and fear of getting caught in the act.
I am going through an extra stressful time right now, as I have an exam in a couple of days. That's definitely contributing, so I'm hoping things will get a little better once that's done. Unfortunately I have no motivation, as I feel like my degree is pointless and I have no interest in the subject, but also intense anxiety because I'm incredibly afraid of my family's reaction if I fail. The result is a complete inability to keep focussed, and intense feelings of self-hatred.
I do fear that even when I do get past my exam, my mental state will continue to get gradually worse. Unless something does change, I believe I will end up self-harming eventually. I'm too anxious and low on self-confidence to change anything myself though, so I guess I'll just see where this takes me.
Sorry for the long post. If you have any advice, or just some support, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks. | self.depression |
Anonymous Entry: plz be nice My brain boils non-stop lol. I've finally become the deteriorated husk of a person. Hopefully this is my last feeling of self-awareness.
| self.depression |
I'm drowning. I don't remember ever really being happy. I've been content but that's the extent of it. Some days I feel like I'm wading through endless thoughts of self hate. Some days its so bad that I feel like I'm drowning in it and I can't figure out how to make it stop. My roommates offer no help, stating they suffer from depression too. When I confided in my parents that not a day goes by that I don't fantasize about killing myself, I was told "Oh you should probably get therapy." and that was it. I would go to therapy and take medication, if I had insurance. I constantly feel like I can't do anything right and that every person I come in contact with is criticizing me. Most days, after I get off work, I'll lay in bed and hardly get up. The only reasons I'll even get up is to get food or use the bathroom. My roommates still expect me to act a certain way, to want to go out, to want to talk. They both claim to have depression, and maybe they do, but they aren't supportive in the slightest. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel like talking helps anymore. | self.depression |
ANYONE here ever tried r-TMS (repeated Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) to treat BPD (any type)? Clarification: BPD—>BIPOLAR disorder I mean, sorry for any confusion! | self.bipolar |
Anyone else just afraid of life? First off, if you’re reading this thank you so much.
I don’t want to write some long story I just want to share.
I feel so alone. Like I’m in a serious relationship but when it comes to the way I feel I feel pretty alone. I’m afraid of people at work...what they think of me, what they say behind my back, if they will embarrass me (which is easy to happen because I am VERY awkward). I’ve tried everything and nothing has helped me.
I have no interests and doing things I used to love. At this point I’m just trying to survive and too pussy to actually end it all.
I am sooooooooo tired. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. | self.depression |
Serious Question about suicide Why do we have this fascination with staying alive? At the moment my suicidal swings are pretty on and off, but I just don't get it. By commuting suicide you are only hastening the inevitable. So why does everyone feel the need to say "don't do it". I mean realistically you only control the time and not the outcome. | self.depression |
i dont know why it bothers me when my friend tells me she has depression, but it does I've been severely depressed for 2 years now, and struggling a lot with it: I have no friends (in the country i am living in) and am barely surviving university. I recently started a new antidepressant and was speaking to one of my close friends about it over skype and I was telling her how frustrated I am and how i wish i didnt have depression (very surface level stuff, but i dont like speaking much about my situation to people)
And she replies saying me too its so hard I know but we can get through it, and I understand that she is just trying to relate to me to help me feel better, but it makes me so mad! She constantly says she has depression online even though she has never gotten diagnosed, and when i ask her about her symptoms she just explains how she gets sad and lonely. I've tried to explain to her thats not what depression is but she gets really defensive so I just dropped it. She's incredibly high functioning: never skips a class, has a job, goes out every weekend, sees people during the week, and is social at university and always participates in her classes.
I dont even know why it makes me angry, it shouldnt matter to me if she says she has depression, and it should make me want to open up to her about my problems even more, but it just makes me feel shitty about myself tbh | self.depression |
I just took about 30 anxiety pills. I doubt it will kill me but if I does, great! [deleted] | self.depression |
I want to have a baby so someone will love me I was raised by an abusive mother and neglectful father. I have no love for either of them. I see all of these people with happy families that look out for each other and are kind to one another and I wish for the same thing. I want a child that will love me and that I'll love and give everything I possibly can to. I want to give them what I couldn't have and never will. I know that I can't right now because I won't be able to financially support them and I don't want them to be anywhere near my mother. But it's always on my mind. | self.offmychest |
Therapy For The Caregiver/Non Anxious Partner? My wife of 15 years has suffered from generalized anxiety all her adult life. She's tried one on one therapy twice with little progress, in both instances she didn't really engage with the process and put into practice what was discussed and whilst I have encouraged her to continue with CBT exercises etc I haven't pushed the issue.
Things certainly havent improved over time and sometimes it feels like it's more of a gradual decline, the pace of which is being kept in check mainly by medication.
We have a good marriage but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it is a struggle to support her at times. Like many husbands, I tend toward the coldly rational and pragmatic when it comes to support and sometimes lose the patience, empathy and understanding that I need to maintain in order to help when things get bad. After fifteen years it's hard to not let a little exhaustion and even resentment show from time to time and that worries me.
In an effort to improve matters, I am considering seeing a therapist myself both to improve what I perceive to be my shortcomings and also to see if I can pick up new and or better tools and techniques to understand and support my wife.
Has anyone had any experience of doing this either first hand or as the partner with the anxiety whose other half has tried somethng similar?
To be clear, I'm not trying to apprentice myself to a therapist, steal techniques and "stealth-shrink" her - I'm considering this with her full knowledge and consent. | self.Anxiety |
Extreme Anxiety before exams Hi, all. I've never posted here so forgive me if I'm breaking any rules. Just a little background — I've never seen a doctor (money, family, lots of reasons, but I should be able to start in a year), I've never been diagnosed with anything, although I am pretty sure I have depression. I'm a psychology graduate, I recognize the signs, and I've had it for years now. I normally manage it through diet and exercise, have a few bad bouts now and then but generally okay.)
Since entering law school a few years ago, I've felt worse and worse. Weeks where I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear. At first I thought this was just a manifestation of my depression... but I've realized that what I'm feeling is not depression but extreme anxiety. It consistently happens before situations where I feel particularly powerless. Right now, I'm having incredibly anxiety over my exam because I feel like nothing I do now will help me. I'm having a hard time breathing, I ache all over, I'm getting abdominal pain, there's a tightness in me that won't unwind. I feel absolutely paralyzed by fear. In law school I regularly deal with a lot of tough situations, but with the nature of exams these anxiety.. attacks? Or extreme bouts of anxiety, at least, they paralyze me at the worst possible moment. It's incredibly hard for me study before the exam, which is the most crucial time, and it's seriously affecting my grades. I haven't studied at all for a huge exam tomorrow and I may fail out because of this.
I don't know what to do. I'm trying the deep breathing now but there's just, just so much I have to do I am not sure I can get through it with just that. Is there any medicine I can take to help me? | self.Anxiety |
shouldn't have been born long story short, I have a good life with a loving family and an amazing boyfriend but my country (chile) **sucks** with LGBT rights and all of those social equality things. Just when I thought things were getting better, they're not. Today a conservative president was elected and I feel so disappointed, he is against so many things that have been fought for to bring social justice and people believe him because he'll "create new jobs and bring more money"...
People put social rights aside and just want the "communists out" (which for some reason for them communist means everybody who is not a straight while male/female who has a shit ton of money).
A lot of people say homophobic shit and it makes me feel like such scum.
Society hates me, I hate myself, it wasn't such a bad day until the election results came in. This world is sick. | self.depression |
I have a presentation in 7 hours, and I'm already a shaky, nervous mess. I guess I can comfort myself in knowing that this is for my last final as an undergraduate - after this, I have my degree.
But I need to not be shaking like a leaf for the next seven hours.
Would sneaking a drink help my nerves at all? If not, what do you all advise?
Edit - Survived. At least until I find out my grade... | self.Anxiety |
I wish friendships never ended... I am currently a senior in high school, but my story starts back in 6th grade. So, I definitely feel like I need to move on, but I’m not very good with the whole change thing.
Anyways, in 6th grade, I met this girl who I had always kind of known through another friend, but we had just never really talked to each other. My 6th grade class had about 20 boys and 10 girls, so all the girls pretty much became friends. This girl lived in my neighborhood, which was great because that meant we could walk or ride our bikes to each other’s houses pretty much everyday.
It didn’t take very long for us to become best friends. We did just about everything together, even if it was just sit around on our iPods in the same room.
We do not live in a very big town, so things got pretty boring being too young to drive places. Luckily, our neighborhood is not too far from downtown, so we would occasionally ride our bikes downtown to get ice cream and hang out. During the summers, just about every other night we were spending the night at each other’s houses, watching movies and having fun together.
Eventually, we made it to our freshman year of high school, and we were still best friends. Little did I know that meant our friendship was quickly coming to an end...
During our first semester of freshman year, we had all of the same classes except for one class at the very end of the day. So that made me very happy because I was terrified of going to high school. Having my best friend beside me made it a lot less scary because I knew I had someone there for me.
After the first semester of freshman year, she decided that she didn’t want to attend public school anymore. So she decided to give homeschooling a try. We would still hang out after I got home from school, but things just didn’t feel the same between us anymore.
Then after her one semester of homeschooling, she decided it wasn’t her cup of tea and enrolled back into school. Except she decided to go to a private school instead of our public school.
I still hadn’t really picked up on the fact that she was trying to leave me, so I would occasionally text her trying to start a conversation. Because in my mind, she was still my best friend, and even though I didn’t see her everyday, I still wanted to talk to her. Over time she slowly started texting me less and less, and I just eventually gave up.
At her new school, she made new friends and didn’t want me anymore. At the time, I just told myself “oh, she’s just busy with school or something” because I didn’t want to admit to myself that we weren’t friends anymore.
Later, I ran in to her around town a couple times, and tried to make plans to meet up with her (at this point we were juniors in high school and we both have our drivers license). The first time, I went in to a restaurant and she happened to be working there. She came out and gave me a hug, and said that we should hang out sometime. So, I asked her when she got off and she told me. Then I told her to text me when she got home, so I could come over for a little while to hang out with her. After she got off she did text me, but she said that something came up and she had to go help her brother. Looking back now, I realize that she didn’t really mean that she wanted to hang out with me, and she made up an excuse to get out of it. The second time I ran into her, she gave me that fake “oh, we should catch up sometime!” So I texted her later basically that I missed her, and I wanted to hang out with her. This conversation ended up to me finally figuring out that when she switched schools, it was because she was tired of me (and her other friends) and wanted to make new friends.
I know it’s ridiculous of me to still be hung up on this one friend for so long now. I just can’t help it, I’m not a fan of change and I like keeping my friend groups small. All the time I spent with her, shaped so much of who I am today. It’s heartbreaking knowing that she decided she was done being my friend, and that it didn’t take her very long to replace me. A couple years later, and I still haven’t really found a replacement for her...
| self.offmychest |
i'm going to be hopefully dead before the end of january fuck yall. tired of living a wasted life thanks to mental illness grabbing it by the throat forever | self.SuicideWatch |
Is it just me or ... Does it feel like people only care to a certain degree when you opened up about depression. Like I understand people have their own lives to worry about and need to focus on themselves. But I recently opened up to a lot of close friends and my girlfriend about how I suffer from some very serious depression. I went and finally seemed help after struggling for the last 20 Years. I started meds and therapy but it takes a while for that to really show any improvement, so in the mean time I try and turn to them when the suicidal thoughts come creeping back in and worthlessness and everything else. But I get the same treatment like it’s just in my head and I need to just think positive. If that was the case I could have been cured magically the first day. The hardest part is my girlfriend getting frustrated that I’m so depressed like it’s my choice. Then telling me I’m too needy. So I decided to revert back to my old self if pretending like everything is fine and not reaching out to her anymore and now she never has any time to talk to me. We are in a long distance relationship and we used to talk daily but now it’s just barely her sending a good morning text and then I refrain from talking to her throughout the day to give her the space she says she needs. Then if anything she texts me back around midnight and doesn’t feel like talking. She just goes out with her friends and while she is out it’s like I don’t even exist. She says she will call but never does. And when I mention I’m upset there is never time for us I’m the bad guy for not understanding she is busy. So my point is why the fuck am I going through all of this. I thought getting help and reaching out to people would be the best choice for support and understanding but no I feel even more alone then when I was lying to everyone. It would be so much better if she would just dump me cause it already feels like she doesn’t give a fuck about me. Then at least I would feel less guilty when I string myself up and end this bullshit existence. Why should I keep trying to care that my life means anything when nobody else gives two shits. | self.SuicideWatch |
Anybody else suddenly recall a childhood memory and have gut-wrenching anxiety about not being able to go back? [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
When clinically depressed person says they don't want to be visited, do they mean it? Should you? | self.depression |
Sorry so needy, up since 2am This sleep thing is really driving me wacko. I snapped at my son. I'm being mean cranky even though my son made me some sleepy time tea.
The fam keeps telling me to take a nap but I just lay there and can't sleep.
How bad does it have to get to start getting better? I can fall asleep just fine but I wake up and can't go back to sleep.
Maybe I should call my pdoc but I cannot afford to take anything that will sedate me too much because I have so much work to do at my job. I start my day very early to work with my Europeans. My mind needs to be as sharp as it can be. | self.bipolar |
A terrible friend I have a crazy story to tell and would like some people to tell me what they think happened.
I'm a 37 year old male. I had a best friend who I have known since Kindergarten. We grew up at each other's house, have been pretty much inseparable our whole lives. We live in a really small town and we have continued to be really close over the years. I have quite a few friends and he does not. As we have gotten older, we only hung out a few times a year but would still text almost every day the last couple of years. We talk about everything. We have both been single for a LONG time and jist as recent as this Summer we always talked about when we would meet someone. He has never had many relationships from the opposite sex or guy friends.
Fast foward to yesterday. I find out he has been dating someone for two years, had a wedding over the weekend and closed on a house in another city. WTF?!? Why would someone do that? I don't care about not getting a invite to the wedding as I'm not a fan of them but how can you hang out with a friend for the last 2 years and talk about hoping to meet someone and you have a GF the whole time?!? The weird part is he still texts me to this day asking me "If I saw the game last night" etc.. while he is married, living in a new house and doesn't say anything.
Obviously some will say he wasn't that great of a friend to begin with and probably so. That still doesn't explain why for 2 years he didn't jist say he was dating someone. Really weird. We live in a tiny town and maybe he thought I knew her or something but she is way younger than us. Any thoughts on this? The guy has always been weird but this jist blows my mind. | self.offmychest |
I think this is the place to say this [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Last night I (21/F) had an intense anxiety attack and my SO said it was a total overreaction and I behaved as if my whole family had died in a car crash. How do I explain to him that it was out of my control? [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
I’m gonna do it tonight I’ve attempted 4 times already. Why not once more? | self.SuicideWatch |
I feel like it's creeping up on me After a huge battle for getting therapy and medication with my parents (I'm a minor so I can't get it myself), I finally had the best few months of my life almost depression-free. The feeling was indescribable in the most amazing, liberating way but then school started, my parents divorced, my brother needs the therapy more than I do so I "gave" my sessions to him, and I didn't realize until today that depression feels like a disgusting film that's slowly ruining my life. I already know that the next thing I know, I'm going to be staring at the ceiling completely void of anything and unable to move thinking it isn't worth it to live. I hate seeing this happen to me - the loss of motivation, the emotional numbness, the self-hate - come back to me in stages knowing what's going to happen and feeling unable to prevent it. | self.depression |
My friend is saying suicidal things and i'm worried for him I know his irl name (only the one he says is his), but ik nothing else.
He blames me for going to pc instead of staying on xbox his reason but i think there might be more and i'm worried for him. Please someone tell me what i should do, i don't want to call the police as idk if he's serious or what.
Some of his msg's becuz steam doesn't lemme see his other ones for some reason:
https://imgur.com/a/GSUgj | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm alone so so so alone I suck at making friends. No one ever talks to me. I guess it's my fault as I'm quiet and don't start any conversations myself. My anxiety is too much to handle nowadays. My school attendance sucks and I'm failing every class. I don't have much to live for at this point. I love my family but I don't think they understand how I feel. Reminding me of the dying children in Africa and how I'm so much luckier doesn't ACTUALLY help me surprisingly enough... if only they would realise that. But yeah. I have no one to talk to about the way I feel and it makes me feel so lonely. I can barely get up most mornings. I just lay there staring at the ceiling waiting for nothing to happen. But yeah that's pretty much it... | self.depression |
I hate diverticulitis I have diverticulosis. A pouch forms inside your colon and sometimes will get infected causing usually excruciating pain sometimes rivaling or exceeding that of childbirth (say the women who’ve had infections).
I’ve only had one diagnosed infection on April 1st of this year.
The disease helped me lose weight, I was headed down a path of self destruction before this happened to me. In a way I’m almost happy I got it.
However.. I’ve never felt the same since. Been scared to eat. Scared of dying. Scared of going through pain that left me on the floor of the local emergency room parking lot until I mustered enough strength to walk inside bawling my eyes out of fear and pain. Still.. I’m thankful. I survived it. I lost a hundred and fifty ish pounds. I went from 350 to about 190lbs over just a couple months.
All of that positivity aside, I’m sitting here contemplating going back to the hospital tonight. I have some pain, I went to the gym since my attack today and I might have gone a little too hard. I mean hell.. I lost a whole other person. I want to run and lift weights and do push ups. Push ups.. I wasn’t even able to do one when I weighed 350. Now I can do quite a few.
But here I am.. in pain.. fluctuating inevitable pain. It happens often but this time it feels a little different. More on the edge of being something I can brush off and something I can’t.
“Why am I scared to go to hospital? They help you right??”
Yeah.. they give us antibiotics that make you feel like you’re losing all sanity. Not to mention you can’t eat for quite a few days until the pain subsides. Even the you have to eat a low residue diet for weeks. A diet that took me months to get past because I was so scared of having to endure that hell again. I was bed ridden for about two weeks and scared of everything after that. I almost feel like it gave me some form of ptsd. I finally realized I could die and what would happen after that? I haven’t accomplished anything in my life. I’m 27 and a loser. No goals met, just tons of unfinished ones. Stopping when things got too hard or when I got uninspired.
I eat plain foods and I am a line cook. I watch my coworkers eat fantastic means while I eat hard boiled eggs.. and simple basic things. I’m tired of all of this. I want to be normal again. But I’m still happy that I’m living., and if I have to live like this forever then I will.
They are surgery and the success rates are high. But that’s a whole other story of getting past the fear of being under sedation and doctors that are only human. No certainty is driving me insane. I want my life back.
I don’t know if I should go to the ER. I don’t want to let it get worse, but I don’t want to have to take those toxic antibiotics again. But I don’t really have a choice. This all might sound incredibly dramatic and I’m sure it is. But if you’ve ever felt what I felt maybe you’d get it. It’s not the end of the world.. but it sure feels like hell for the two weeks of being on those medications.
Damn it. | self.offmychest |
If your partner told you they felt suicidal what would they do? I told mine in the summer. Bare in mind, six years together in January, we had an early miscarriage in March (on the day of the terror attacks in London).
I’ve always been the one to look after everyone...and this one time I need someone to look after me and I just feel alone.
I feel too much like I can’t talk to anyone as my life isn’t as bad, oh well you have a man etc etc. So I’ve tried to bury how I feel for the best part of a year, maybe two, but it had manifested over the seven months since the miscarriage.
I don’t think I have actually felt any kind of happiness since seeing that positive result.
He’s begged me to go to the doctors but every time
I go to call them I get scared, or put it off. Rang today, and I have to call Wednesday morning to get an emergency appointment (I live in the U.K.) so that’s a start I guess. Whether or not I’ll call them
Wednesday remains to be seen as I’ll most likely talk myself out of it.
I just...feel I have honestly nothing to live for. And other people need the help more and I’m just a waste of space.
I hate my job, I’m in one of the top dept stores in London and I honestly despise it and everyone that works there. I’m currently trying to find a new job with not much luck.
I go to the gym but then get anxiety I have not done enough so either I don’t go or I’m there for three hours + there is no in between. I just feel I get judged the whole time for being so impossibly vile/fat.
I have friends. Amazing, lovely, wonderful friends but I feel so low and horrendous I make excuses not to see them. My best friend who is more like
My sister has been through so much I don’t feel I can burden her with my insignificant life and problems. I have a partner so why am I moaning.
I am 25 and my life is just slipping away in front of me....
I have ASD. It’s odd that growing up, it never really felt like a big deal, but now it’s like hard work getting through everyday and remembering to make eye contact, not just say whatever is in my head, pretend to be interested in others and just act, well, normal.
Sorry if this is self pitying...or wallowing. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Thanks x
| self.depression |
I hate staying alive for others I really really wish there was a way to go out without hurting other people | self.depression |
I have evolved from a cactus... ...into a motherfucking mushroom.
That's right, I no longer even need sunlight to survive, so I'm one step closer to not being considered a human being. Hurray.
Edit: holy shit I wasn't expecting so much positive feedback thanks guys | self.depression |
I can't sleep, I can't stop thinking about you For a long while now, I wasn't able to sleep. Its currently 7 am, almost 8. Today at least I managed to sleep from 12 am to 4 am. My heart hurts, I can't stop wondering when I'll be able to hear your voice again. Nightmares, ghosts from the past come and haunt me, so I can no longer rest. I only wish you were beside me and I could make you feel better, that will make me feel better too. I have so many things to tell you, so please come back. God, I start to cry when I remember your laugh. I'd like to hear it again. Genuine, pure. I've watched twice the videos you've sent me. It pains me to hear your voice yet i cant reach it, I can't talk to you, its not there. There's nothing I want more than you coming back, I'll do my best to help you. I hope you still care about me, because i do care about you. I'm so afraid. I'm sorry I won't be able to tell this to you. I love you so much. Take care. | self.offmychest |
I fell in love while travelling, and ruined it. I'm never going to see him again and it's wrecking me. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Just soo tired My god I'm so tired...tired of being wrong about everything....always the butt of jokes, always the one who fucked up somehow...always the one everyone assumes your gonna mess something up..break something..yadda yadda...but it's not like I'm not a smart career woman but soon as I step out of work I'm looked as if I'm some clown that doesn't know a hole from her ass and I'm just feeling like I'm a total nothing. | self.offmychest |
Can someone help? For background, I'm in high school. My sibling has been suicidal in the past, but never attempted. My parents are separated and fighting, but not yet divorced, (have been for about 2 yrs) and I'm contemplating suicide. | self.SuicideWatch |
I love two people I am a married man. The woman to whom I have been married to for three years is amazing, to me. I still hold the same profound respect, love, affection and physical desire that I always have.
But over the last year, I have come to realize that I feel very strong affection for another, in addition. He is my wife's best friend and probably mine as well. He is a simply gorgeous dude with a great personality and I can't stop thinking about him.
He and my wife were in a relationship before I was in the picture and I have always felt that the spark had never quite died. I thin he, in particular, still holds a candle for my wife. And rather than feeling jealous or threatened, the thought really excites me. I have spoken to her about this. She says she does not have feelings for him anymore. I have not spoken to him about this at all. But I have no issue whatsoever with them engaging in whatever they might want to do. Moreover, I feel a strong physical attraction to him as well. I would have no problem with a triple arrangement. To be with both of them is the most compelling sexual fantasy my brain has ever concocted. I just don't know how to approach the subject without risking both my marriage and an extraordinary friendship. | self.offmychest |
I could really use some good vibes right now. Slept until 3pm, still haven't eaten and I don't know if I can survive the night. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
My family are causing me depression and anxiety My family have never beleived In me from a young age. I was always the quiet child and they would bully me into doing chores around the house and if I didn't I'd be verbally and physically abused by them. They never wished me well or beleived in me and therefore I build up no confidence in myself and felt worthless. Despite this I got good grades in school and always remained positive that one day I'd be out this toxic environment and I'd be happy. So I tried my best effort to get out and i eventually did by going to university.
The problem with university is that my parents never supported me financially and I got no support from anyone. I had friends but they were going thru their own difficulties so I had no one to turn to. I am very independent and I am able to take care of myself. I was thinking of getting a job to help me financially but I just wanted to focus on university and enjoy myself because I've not been so free my entire life. I thought working would make me tired and miserable unable to enjoy my experience in life at a young age. So because of financial difficulties I had to drop out of university because nobody helped me. I had nothing to live for. I did amazing in my assignments and essays but because I had no one there for me I become depressed and sad.
I had no choice but to move back to my negative home and now worse that ever before I am being verbally abused by my family. They say I'm a loser and that I'll never be able to achieve anything in my life. They say that I'm weak and a burden to them. They wake me up every morning purposely at the age of 21 and nag me about anything they can think of. They don't support me in any way , shape or form.
I really dont know how I can cope or live like this. I want to be positive but I know there's nothing left for me to be positive. It's like being happy in a burning building...you know you gonna burn eventally and won't be able to escape. I really want to study and do well in life , experience normal things anyone my ages would but Im unable to with no choice. It's not me that's the lazy one or with a problem, it's just my family that's so negative towards me and it makes me feel hopeless due to them.
What can I do ? I want to go uni next year but I'll be left in the same position again. | self.depression |
Posting this in someone else's stead G'day, everyone. Lately, a friend (20/M) of mine (20/F) has been going through a lot of heavy stuff. For the past 3 years, life has drained him of any disposition towards a brighter future, and his personality has morphed him into a somber version of himself.
In his own words, he feels like there's no reason to wake up at all, thinks he isn't important to anyone at all, and doesn't open up to the people in his proximity (we live in different states).
He doesn't voice those thoughts (unless he already had a drink too many, which also worries me) and very rarely vents up to me. We're very close friends (we met 10 years ago), and this situation he's going through saddens me greatly. I give him his space and time to talk, but clams down as soon as he starts talking. I understand the way he feels, having my own history of constant suicidal thoughts and being very close to actually doing it, and I honestly want to help him, but I have no idea how. I reckon he could go see a therapist, but his parents are not very supportive and they might take it wrong, also, I doubt he would like the idea, as good as it may be.
I want to help him, I truly love him, and it's unfair what life has done to him. Just last week, he cried desperately while we were talking on the phone, and it took a long while for him to calm down and go to bed (it was 2.00am).
I don't know what to do, so any honest advice will be highly appreciated. Thank you
TL;DR: A dear friend feels bad, asking for advice to help him.
*English isn't my native language, so please, excuse any mistakes. I hope the message got through* | self.SuicideWatch |
always back to being suicidal have no dreams or aspirations to do anything with my life. just having a shitty time in college struggling through every single class trying to figure out what i want to work towards. in reality all i want to do is die. whats the point of going through so much bullshit. I know i will never be happy when i dont have a goal to go towards. lately my new job has been keeping these tendencies in check, but i had a bad day at work today. i just want to swallow so many pills since i dont have a gun to shoot myself with. i wish i knew if the pills would kill me. i try to tell my girlfriend about these feelings but talking about this with her is worthless | self.SuicideWatch |
Does anyone else feel like they are subconsciously self-sabotaging in order to keep themselves depressed? I came here tonight to look at posts about self sabotage. I was curious to see if any other depressed folk around here felt the way I do. How exactly do I feel? Well, I feel like... I’ve struggled with varying degrees of depression since my sophomore year of highschool. I’ve had short bouts, long drawn out periods, and a handful of suicidal episodes of varying severity - worst of which landed me in the psychiatric wing for a bit. I mention this so you can have been dealing with this illness for a while. About, seven years, to be more concise. I know that for myself this will be a lifelong disease. However, I also know it’s possible to rally and have moments of normality between the dips.
This most recent bout has lasted multiple years. In fact, all of my suicidal episodes - both severe ideation and some attempts - have occurred within this time. I am starting to recover. I can see the mountains shifting and a stable life begin to emerge. Yet, as the chaos fades I find myself acting in ways which bring about renewed depression, ie self-sabotaging. This happens both mentally and physically, for lack of a better term. I spend hours over analyzing my friendships, and end up launching myself into anxious spirals. I also, find myself drinking and sending strange texts to people, or goofing off at work and suffering the consequences.
I think, deep down I know I’m not ‘finding’ myself in these situations; I’m putting myself in these situations. It’s one of two things: either, I’m simply acting how I want to act, and the resulting consequences are distancing me from others and pushing me back into depression; or it’s that on some level I want to hold on to the depression, so I’m acting in ways that will result in my isolation, subsequently renewing my depression. When I search myself, I come to the conclusion that I must, at least subconsciously, want to stay depressed. I believe this is at least in part because without depression I don’t know who I am.
My entire adult life has been lived within the confounds of a depressed outlook. If I allow myself to heal that means I have to become a new person. I can’t take off the metaphorical cast and walk around like the person I used to be because that person was a teenager. I’m not trying to make light of what we struggle with. I hate it, but it’s familiar. It’s like that old saying, “the devil you know, is better than the devil you don’t.” Depression is hell, but I’m afraid of facing whatever comes next. I’m afraid of reconstructing my life. Well not even reconstructing… I’m afraid to construct a stable life for the first time. Without depression I don’t know who I am, and I think that is why I’m self sabotaging.
I guess my question is: does anyone out there relate? Am I insulting ever other depressed person out there by admitting that I’m scared to live without this? Is my logic even sound? Guys, I just want some feedback.
Edit: I just had a though I wanted to add in. Part of this might not be that I want to subconsciously stay depressed, but rather an attempt to avoid failure. If I self-sabotage then I fail to heal before I really had the chance to try and heal. It could be my way of taking a knee, instead of seeing whether I succeed or fail.
| self.depression |
Please be 100% honest... How stupid is it to kill yourself over a high school relationship scale 1-100? 1 being its fucking retarded wtf and 100 being its justified
please dont be soft or sensitive, just give ur honest, unfiltered thought. | self.SuicideWatch |
22/F feeling overwhelmed Hi y’all, as the title says, I am overwhelmed. I work 35 hours a week, live by myself with my emotional support cat, and am in school full-time. I take my meds, Trileptal and now Buspar daily. I see my therapist on a weekly basis, just switched doctors and I love my new one. I am in school for design. I dogwalk five days a week, work at a sports bar 24 hours a week, and also a private school aftercare program six days a week. I am starting to introduce exercise back into my life and am thinking of going on a Soylent diet to meet calorie needs.
My father helps me with rent and car insurance, but that’s it. Everything else is out of pocket. My curriculum requires expensive art and design materials and software. I am beginning to feel overwhelmed with financial responsibilities but I am currently unable to take a loan out because I don’t have anyone to co-sign and just started building credit with a student credit card.
I just started to have passing thoughts of “Wow, I should have really killed myself instead of dealing with all this.” It’s not serious, I think, but I’m worried one day I might take myself serious in a fit/mixed episode. I reached out to a close friend/classmate about going to church. I am an Atheist, but I need some major coping skills.
I don’t want to quit working because I think I’m in love with making money to save up and a little extra spending cash.
tldr; full-time student, working 35 hours a week, feeling overwhelmed, need coping skills. | self.bipolar |
Medication Anyone on here take lexapro and if so do you like it? I just started it today. | self.Anxiety |
I hate this I'm never going to get any better. Maybe I'm better off being alone forever. I hate myself | self.depression |
today I asked 6 different people if they wanted to hang out and they all said they weren’t busy but they couldn’t hang out. [deleted] | self.depression |
Fuck this country I’m tired of the US. It’s clear our government doesn’t work for the people. Education is a joke, healthcare is a joke, economy is a joke. But let’s go ahead and give tax breaks to the rich while spending more on the military. Our infrastructure is failing, streets decaying, poverty is at an all time high, people are complacent, too distracted to realize they are being fucked in the ass from every direction. I have lost faith in this country and I am not proud to be an American. | self.offmychest |
Starting the gym. Today I start the gym. I'm both excited and terrified. But reading and after loads of advice about how exercise helps I'm starting to give it a go. I choose a gym close to me it's 10 miles away as I like in the country side. Had two bad days waiting for today had a few panic attacks, but it's all right as it will be first time in long time I do something extremely positive towards my health other than go to counseling.
Wish me luck.
Keep with it we will get better. | self.Anxiety |
I feel like my old personality is dying and I am in a weird state where I either follow it dying or I push through and wait for something to happen That is bascially what Ive felt like for 4-5 months now :( | self.depression |
I'm not sure, and I don't want to be, not really. So I'm not sure I'm depressed because I've never been to a psychiatrist, and I don't dare to (mainly because depression is just a scam, according to most people I know and most importantly, my family).
But I felt it all, I've done my research, and I studied it enough to know, I've been through it all, for the last five years I've been through every single symptom, and no one knows a thing, none of my friends and not a single person in my family.
I have so many friends and they all say that I'm one of the most kind-hearted people they have ever met, and that came from people whom I've never expected to say such things.
It scares me and it makes me feel so lonely it hurts.
there was this one time a couple of years back when I actually turned to my friend (who told me she had been depressed for a long time) and she brushed me off and said that I don't even know what depression even is.
That was when I truly felt like no one would ever even begin to understand what I go through. I'm not suicidal, but I loathe living to the point where I wish I was brave enough to do it. I know I won't. And I don't want to be. I attempted it twice before, once I took a handful of pills and I don't remember what happened afterwards. And a few years later I tried to slit my wrist but I got so terrified and ended up with only a bruise.
I'm 21, I've tried to smoke and hated it. Never sipped alcohol in my life and I don't want to. I've been told I'm loved and I felt nothing. And honestly, I don't think I'm capable of it. All I feel is apathy. I feel empty and I feel like nothing will ever be able to fill the void.
I don't even know why I'm writing this, I guess I feel like people here know what it's like to feel shitty and be all alone with it.
| self.depression |
Mornings Anyone else wake up really really depressed and suicidal but as the day continues they become fine? This happens to me every day and I’m not really sure how to deal with it so any advice is appreciated. | self.depression |
Anyone else wanting to chat about our depression? I just feel like putting it all out there instead of keeping it inside | self.depression |
Someone please tell me I'm not a sociopath "a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience."
I am very happy living alone. Is that bad? I also have a strong moral compass. Killing is wrong. Suffering is good. Be better.
Please tell me I'm not a sociopath. | self.depression |
BPII dx as of today, after 5yrs of unhelpful MDD treatment! [deleted] | self.bipolar |
Just found out my abusive ex was cheating on me for the last few months of our relationship We broke up about a year ago, on Halloween. We had a long, but pretty abusive relationship. Should have broken up months after we started the relationship, but I was just so dependent on him and just wanted to be in a relationship because I was having such a hard time emotionally a few months prior to meeting him.
He started off really nice in the first few months, and typically as relationships go, you settle and find your 'true selves'. I moved to his country to be with him, but honestly I would have gone back had we broken up or not. I have a history there and go back and forth often. He had big problems with my weight at the time. While I struggled with weight for pretty much my whole life, I had a bought of depression before I met him, and ended up dropping a lot of weight. I was 5'7 120ish lbs when I met him. But that was never enough for him. He wanted me to be toned and fit. He wanted me to have abs, a nice butt, huge boobs, etc. He would always push this idea of his ideal woman onto me. Dye your brunette hair blonde. Wear workout gear every day. Don't wear Korean style clothes, wear clothes like ____ American/british instagram model (we LIVED in Korea and I like the fashion there, and even if I wanted his fashion advice, it was hard to find that style of clothes). He wanted my makeup to be thick at all times, smokey eyeliner and makeup with thick eyeliner. I could spend 30 minutes on a nice natural look with 20+ products and he would tell me "It's not enough makeup, it doesn't even look like you are wearing any in this picture we took together!" You have an eye infection? Don't greet me at the first floor of your apartment in your glasses, they make you look gross and ugly. He would literally look back and stare at a woman walking past us who he thought was pretty and would say very loudly "OH WOW SHE IS SOOOO PRETTY DID YOU SEE" which is...embarrassing to say the least. He would chat constantly with other girls, exchange selfies with them, and show them to me and say "This is my friend ____. See how toned her legs are? Look at her legs? She's pretty. You need to be like her more" I always thought in the back of my mind that he was cheating. Especially towards the end, when I caught him sending flirty emoticons with another girl.
He had told me about this girl during our relationship. They were just 'friends' among all of his other ones. I tried to be 'cool' about it, since I met a few of his female friends and they were all platonic and non romantic.
But I stumbled on (AKA checked up on him) his profile and although i knew he had a girlfriend, they apparently started dating two months before we even broke up. It was long distance and they didn't even meet until a year later, but still.
What grates me the most is that all of the flaws he had with me were physical. Yet he was cheating on me with this girl who wore minimal makeup, isn't a fashionista, has a head of big curly red hair, obviously doesn't workout and has an average body.
Why did I endure two fucking years of nonstop complaining about how ugly my body was and how I wasnt a woman because I didn't look a certain way, just to be slapped in the face with this? It's not like I wasn't fucking nice to him and catered to him in every disagreement (again; about ME and how I had to look more like what HE wanted) And it's not like I was going outside with zero effort. It would take me an hour and a half to get ready with hair and makeup.
And he was cheating on me WHILE HE STAYED AT MY PARENTS HOME. My poor fucking parents, who have such a big heart for people and love to welcome them into their home. He and his sister vacationed here for about a week and a half so he could visit my country. My parents redecorated and paid for all of their food. Even took a mini vacation to another city 3 hours away. Sprung for a nice hotel and everything for all of us.
And he was fucking cheating on me. For a whole two months after that as well. She had to have fucking known, she just had to. I was all over his social media. He still has pictures from my neighborhood and house all over his social media. Probably just fucking lied and said we broke up or something.
This was also the guy that was insecure as fuck about the fact that I had multiple sex partners before I met him. Who wouldn't let me have guy friends because "You'd probably have sex with them" Fuck you, fuck you and your stupid fucking lowlife self.
I'm filled with so much hate right now. And to think that when I went to pick up my stuff at the beginning of this year, I was civil and nice to him as if it was mutual and nothing was wrong.
Not to mention, this fucker reported me to Korean immigration for working outside of my visa range, so I've been exempt from the visa waiver program and have to have a full visa with review before i can even vacation there again. Which means I have to postpone seeing my new boyfriend until I have a job in Aug-Sept. of 2018.
| self.offmychest |
Does anyone else experience ear worms? And no, I don't mean actual worms but music playing over and over again in your head. I have this and when talking to my therapist she is skeptical that's an issue with anxiety. I've read online that ear worms are common with people who have anxiety. Is anyone else experiencing this? | self.Anxiety |
Will my suicidal ideation ever go away? I have an objectively good life. The one thing that is significantly hard is that my husband and I have tens of thousands in debt, largely due to medical issues that I have had. Subsequently, we are always stressed and can never save, and all our income goes down the tube of debt. And I still deal with the “invisible disability” of chronic pain from those medical procedures. But beyond that, I have it made. My husband is a wonderful person. I have a toddler I love with my whole being and who is healthy and delightful. I have achieved a career dream, getting paid to do my art form. I try to give back to society by working with sick children part time. An outsider would think I had a great life. However, when I was a teen I attempted suicide. My stomach was pumped. And for the next 15 years, though I’ve never made another attempt, I’ve continued to suffer from intense suicidal thoughts, only somewhat dependent on my external circumstances. After the high school incident I swore to my mother I would never do that to her again, and every time I’ve gotten close to doing anything, I’ve remembered that promise, and her look of pain. And now I have this precious child, who would be destroyed without me. And yet. So much sends me into a state of panic and sorrow. I continue to suffer trauma from a rape, but it was a decade ago, and I am past it in many ways. But with all this sexual assault in the news.... I sometimes feel like I’m that girl again. In that room. And I’m getting help. I have a therapist. I am on a low dosage of anti depressants and have been for years. But everything causes me anxiety. Even things that should be “good.” For example, I am objectively at least medium-level attractive, and yet I obsess over how ugly I FEEL (reality be damned). I hate my stomach. And i can’t let it go.
I achieved a career dream, and yet now I get into states of panic over writing that next book, and the deadline, and how I can’t do it.
And if I have a moment in which I lose my temper with my daughter I think Oh well, I’ll just be an angry fucked up Mom like mine was and my daughter would be better off without me.
What I’m trying to say is... No matter how good I have it, my self hatred and intense desire to disappear from this earth consumes me sometimes in ways that harken back to that 17 year old who ODed on Ambien and champagne. And after years of therapy and anti-depressants, if I can have a “good life” and still struggle with so much anxiety and so many moments in which I want to die... will it ever get better? Or am I a broken person? I don’t feel there is anyone to talk to because they just say “Look how good your life is!” And they’re right. So why, tonight, did I think about how I wanted to jump out the window? I don’t understand myself. I really don’t. | self.SuicideWatch |
I’ve run out of reasons to live I doubt many people will read this so I’ll keep it short...
I’ve been getting more and more depressed over the past few years. It started when I was bullied for being overweight. It got worse when I became anorexic and bulimic, and was still made fun of for now being too skinny. It stayed bad for a while, but eventually i hit a lower level when my oldest brother died of an overdose in 2015 and continued to spiral throughout the year as my mom’s best friend (who was like a second mom to me) lost her battle with cancer. It got worse as my girlfriend (now ex) got pregnant and we gave up the baby, and then my grandfather passed away. I was then in the hospital after trying to kill myself, and I broke up with the mother of my child. And I dropped out of college. I didn’t think it would get much worse, but it did as my dad was diagnosed with liver failure a few months later. I’ve been watching him slowly get sicker and sicker since that time early last year.
And then things finally looked up. I went to college again. I had the best friends I could ask for, and I found a girl that I thought truly loved me. She accepted my past. We had fun. We made memories. And I finally found myself trusting somebody after years of not being able to. I felt sad off and on, but she always wanted to comfort me and listen to me, and me for her. I gave her all my time and love. And she told me I was the love of her life. She talked about our future kids, and being married, and our plans for our lives. It made me happy to know somebody loved me that much after so long.
But a couple weeks ago, she cheated on me, and then dumped me. I’ve been trying to win her back since then, and yesterday she officially decided things were too much (due to my depression) and said we would never be together again. We had a fight, and she blocked me on everything.
Maybe it’s over emotional, maybe it’s immature. But I feel like there’s just no point anymore. I have been through too much, and just when I finally got hope, it was crushed in front of me and my heart was broken. I can’t do this anymore, and I’ve been thinking about killing myself almost daily for the past few weeks. It’s getting worse, as I’m starting to actually feel it would be better.
I don’t know if I’m gonna do it. But I thought I should get this off of my chest. I just don’t think I can do this whole living thing anymore. | self.depression |
I feel like I'm surrounded by fake people, not caring about me. I'm not schizophrenic, but there are voices in my head telling me how pathetic I am. Not the schizophrenic type, because I can tell that they're thoughts, and not actual physical voices. I honestly don't feel like I know anyone in real life that cares about me, other than the voices that have started to appear, but even I know that they're just a way for my brain to cope with the loneliness, an evolutionary instinct, and it's the last stage before the suicide attempts. Luckily, I'm not crazy yet, just uncharismatic, and annoying. If you look at my post history (this is an alt account), you can just see the pathetic loneliness. I've been trying to reward pathetic me, by asking "friends" (classmates) to do something after school. I only succeeded once, and that was the only person who I feel like I can mildly trust, but if you look at my last post (before this one), you can see that he has also realized how annoying I am. | self.depression |
Wish I could go back in time to when I was happy I remember the happiness
I remember enjoying the present moment
I remember enjoying enjoying my life
I remember the smiling
I remember her
I remember seeing my family and friends
I remember the happiness
I really really miss being happy | self.depression |
[23 y/o] Long post ahead, you've been warned. Last 2013, I lost my father who has been the best person in the entire planet for me. Imagine living in a world where there's less toxicity because your father is always there to cheer things up, even with the simplest of things. Now that he's gone, it's been an all downer for my life. My mom usually doesn't care much about my siblings, I honestly don't care if she doesn't care about me, but my younger singlings... I kind of support myself in studies. Right now we're in so much debt. We're just too lucky that our landlord is too kind to not kick us out in our apartment, or else, we'd be living in the streets. 2013-2015 I was just at home doing nothing but to get depressed and pissed off of anything. I got a full time job last 2015 working as a Game Master for this Korean company called IGS that has Netmarble as our main client. Recently, I decided to go back and finish my degree. Since I was out of school for 4yrs, I've had to take new subjects from my changed curriculum. And this is somewhat the source of my problem right now.
So much stuff going on to my mind. Right now, I'm about to enroll in my capstone course (I'm an I.T. student) and I still don't have an approved topic to begin with, nor enough groupmates for the said course. It's so hard to find someone or start socializing to anyone who already has a peer on their own, and of course I'm new to them. I've been thinking lately if I'm still fit, or do I have what it takes to finish that capstone project when even coming up with a topic that my professor wants, I can't do. There's so much I want to explain here, I can't think of the right words.
I feel like I'm on the edge of a tall mountain, about to fall off with 1 tiny mistake in my life. If all else fails, perhaps ending my life would be the better option. | self.SuicideWatch |
I know my life will end in suicide. I don't know when or how [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
My saddest day of my life was my birthday 3 weeks ago. [deleted] | self.depression |
I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm still alive is because of death anxiety I don't see the point in trying anymore when inevitably I'm going to die anyway, it's just a matter of where and when and how. Even if I managed to form better relationships with people, what is the point? I'll die, they'll die, they'll leave, or one of us ends up hurting the other. What is the point of dragging out all of this misery? What is the point of trying when most of it is out of my control and I'm just getting older and accumulating even more problems and there's no way around the fact that I will eventually die?
Actually going through with it is becoming more tangible. Everyone lies when they say it gets better when you get older. It's only been getting so much worse. My problem is following through with a plan because I'm afraid of it both failing and succeeeding because no one truly knows what happens when you cross over? What if there's a God that will get mad at me? | self.SuicideWatch |
Update: Lamictal is making me feel so much rage. My doc wants me to take stronger mood stabilizers? Yesterday I posted how Lamictal made me feel so much rage and it was making me aggressive and confrontational. It also made me feel intense feelings of suicide and it made me feel a sadness I've never felt before.
The problem is I felt these awful symptoms and they were so intense but I've only been taking Lamictal since February 2nd and it was a low dosage. The first week I took just one 25mg pill per day and each week I'm supposed to take 2 per day, next week 3 per day, etc. So on February 9th I started taking 50mg.
You guys can read my last post if you'd like but my concern now is my doctor's response. I took a Xanax around noon yesterday and my doctor told me over the phone to take two more which did the trick. And she said I'm free to take 1-2 each day until I see her on Friday.
But my doctor also said she wants me to take a different mood stabilizer and each pill is 200mg. That really worries me because if I was suicidal and violent with 50mg of Lamictal, one of the safer mood stabilizers out there, what's going to happen to me if I'm suddenly 3x the dosage?
My mom says I shouldn't take any medication anymore and I actually agree with her. Although I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, my doctors and myself believe I'm Bipolar 2. I've always had suicidal thoughts and I've always felt the highs and lows but goddamn I never felt such intense emotions. For the first time yesterday I actually considered how I could commit suicide.
This morning I feel much, much better and I stopped taking any medication (per my doctor's instructions). I swear smoking weed was a much better alternative for me. I'm not going to use again and I don't want to take a medication with triple the dosage. I think I'm going to stick to talk therapy and exercise.
Edit: I'm sorry mods I forgot to add a trigger warning to my title. I hope what I wrote on my feelings on suicide aren't too detailed and it won't trigger anyone. I'm new to this subreddit and I apologize if I broke a rule. | self.bipolar |
Completely failing to do *any* maths successfully in class, but find the homework super easy despite being the exact same material Help. I have this in all my classes. I just turn into this anxious stress ball in class, but I find homework assignments don't present much challenge, despite being harder (!) questions than in class.
I have no idea what to do. | self.Anxiety |
I’ve come to peace with my decision. I used to cry all of the time because I wanted to die. I used to feel so sad that I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to end my life. But after some serious thought I am for certain that this is my way out. I have never been so certain of anything in my life honestly. I don’t know what day I’ll do it. I know it’ll be within the next week. I just have to find out how and where I want to do it. I’m oddly excited to see the end. I’m excited for this to be over. Life never treated me too well. | self.SuicideWatch |
It's clockwork, the way you tell someone everything in confidence about your life and you end up regretting it I wanna say I'll never do it again. I definitely will though. Round and round we go. | self.depression |
I can't really handle living anymore. I feel like no matter how hard I try I have not had any progress in my depression. My only saving grace was the friends I had but I learned recently that they all plan on leaving me soon. I can barely handle every day now I really don't know what I can do if I have no one. | self.SuicideWatch |
Here's a Positive post: I'm starting to taper off Klonopin and it's going well so far! I started at 1mg/day, which I've been on for several years. In the past, I've tried to taper off several times, with disastrous results. My doctor says I went too fast.
Right now I'm doing 1mg one night, then 0.75mg the next, and so on. I've been doing this for about 3 weeks now. I feel NO different. I'm so excited!!!
I can't wait to tell my Dr. next time we talk and we can decide the next step! | self.Anxiety |
When I quit my well paying job, I thought my parents would kill me, then I told them. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
There is only one thing keeping me from killing myself I know most people who are thinking about killing themselves have way bigger problems than I do but here's my story:
Disclaimer: The following text probably sounds like a whiny teenager who is angry at his girlfriend and how she is the worst person on earth for not paying enough attention to him. This not how I feel, I just feel alone after having someone who actually cared for me. She is amazing in every aspect and I just feel like I ruined everything.
Last year, up to 2 weeks after my birthday was the best year of my life. I was in love with my long distance girlfriend, we met for the first for easter and it was the best week of my life up to then. We weren't able to meet up after that and she somewhat broke up with saying she needed more free space for herself. I am fine with that, I think it made everything better. Since then she's tossing me aside constantly and just shrugging everything I say off. I told her about my problems (including my constantly drunk father, my lack of friends, my lack of self confidence) We were having a nice conversation and she basically set me aside for someone else who just wanted to talk about his day. The next day I wanted to pick the topic back up and the same guy called her randomly for 2 hours, for which I was shouted at 5 months before when we were still in a working relationship. She went to him over christmas and told me nothing happened. She's always saying I am the most important person to her but during her stay at his place she didn't answer any of my messages and since coming back home she didn't spend any time with me and rather plays League of Legends with him and his friends rather than doing the same thing with me. She knows I am thinking about suicide since christmas eve and it has just increased with my parents being about to break up me not having anyone to talk to.
The thing keeping me from doing it is: One of her friends was having suicide thought and helped talk him out of it. I just couldn't stand myself dying a hypocrit. | self.SuicideWatch |
How do you deal with the consquences of what you did when you were depressed? Like when you were down, you didn't reply emails or messages, being snarky to people etc etc. | self.depression |
Revelation from my doctor after the umpteenth time I claimed I don't think I'm bipolar [deleted] | self.bipolar |
I feel like I’ve been trapped thinking in my head for the past week or two. Help?? I can’t stop thinking and I can’t even blurb a sentence without stuttering. I’ve become a mute for the past 3 weeks or so and haven’t spoken to anyone and have been trapped in my mind. | self.Anxiety |
Does anybody else ever enjoy mild panic attacks? Sometimes when I'm at home I'll have a relatively mild panic attack and I really don't mind it.
I mean, 'enjoy' is probably the wrong word, it's more of a conscious appreciation of what's happening. Like I understand the physical symptoms and I recognise what's going on and because I'm at home, I don't let it overwhelm me, but the symptoms are still presenting themselves. | self.Anxiety |
brain implants for specific phobias in the near future? [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Anyone have experience with nootropics? On a recent hypo binge i splurged $300 on a whole bunch of "brain boosting" chemicals, namely noopept, aniracetam, phenylpiracetam, and a whole lot others. Now that im back down to earth i am looking at this pile of powders marked "not intended for human consumption" and wondering if they are a good idea. A lot of them are supposed to help with depression, but most studies were done out of Russia either on mice or cognitively impaired persons. I cant return them and it seems like such a waste not to give it a shot at the very least.
Im already on modafinil and amphetamine but a lot of these drugs have been tested to be effective for "mild cognitive impairment" which the scientific community considers most bipolar people to have after a few manic episodes. My verbal fluency certainly has gone down after a couple episodes; i used to be a silver tongued slick salesman selling suits left and right, but now can barely keep a conversation going. No fda-approved medication has helped in this respect.
There are nootropic forums out there but none of them deal with the additional risk we face of possible mania, and in my final year of university i just cant risk that. If any of you have experience in this department id love to hear what you have to recommend. | self.bipolar |
Not getting the job after all. So I just found out that the job I've been really excited for, for the past 3 months or so, isn't gonna be happening for me. The boss has been really shady and dodgy lately and he just told me today that there won't be any job opportunity for me after all. I got accepted into a great chef school a month ago which I really wanted to go to but I would rather work so I said no to the school and said yes to the job instead. But now I find out that I won't be getting it.
This job has been the only motivator for me these last months and right now I feel like completely giving up. I don't know what the fuck to do right now. The only reason I "got" this job is because my friend knows the owner, I haven't even graduated high school after spending years in a high school for grown ups getting my grades up. The few jobs that I'm eligible for are super mindless, souldraining jobs and even then my chances aren't looking bright. I can't even get a job at McDonalds because I'm too old.
I'm going to try to get into military school for this summer but until then I refuse to live the way I've been living the past 2 months, barely leaving my apartment for weeks.
I feel my suicidal thoughts returning. I thought I was gonna get this job and finally be able to get my routines back on track, quit my drug addictions, start working out, have money to spend and finally meet friends. But now I'm once again locked inside my own prison with no escape.
Someone please mail me some anthrax. | self.depression |
Please help me I've been hurting so much for what feels like an eternity. I've never been this bad before. I just cut myself for the first time in my 24-year life. It hurts and I can't stop trembling. Everything that gave me comfort doesn't even work as a momentary distraction anymore. I listened to Muse earlier and I thought I was having fun singing to myself and then I just started to cry and grabbed a box cutter. My eyes hurt so much because they've just been closed because I've been lying in bed so much recently. I just told everything to my best friend on Facebook but she's asleep and I don't want to wake her up, and the thought of her reading everything I wrote makes me feel so guilty and like I'm going to vomit. It just makes me want to hurt myself more. My mind won't leave me alone. Please someone tell me this will stop. | self.SuicideWatch |
Feeling like I don’t matter I know a lot of people who think they revolve around their own universe, or another way of saying it, a lot of people feel like they’re the main protagonist in their own movie of their life. But for me, I don’t even feel that way, I just feel like an extra in the background that nobody cares about. Like I don’t matter.
I know I’ve been making several posts here recently but it’s just hard when I have nobody who wants to talk to me about my depression or the problems I’m going through, or have anybody that cares about how I’m feeling. It just sucks. | self.depression |
I’m scared to get a job because of my depression and anxiety. I can’t even function properly at home. How will I function properly in a working environment? | self.depression |
Finding myself lost and mentally done. Every day I wake up sad. I try to appear happy to all of my roommates, it's getting harder to hide. It's been going on for 7 years, since I was 14. My family just thinks its something I can just not think about and it will go away. I find it impossible to tell my family in words how I truly feel everyday. It seems like they just see it as laziness, even though there's nothing I wouldn't do to feel 'normal' one day. Spending all my days on the break of crying, truly is miserable regardless if everyone thinks it's made up or an excuse for not being proactive(I've heard it all). Not really sure what I'm asking for in this post. It's just been a really hard this week, month, years. | self.depression |
Lonely Feel like killing myself. Any girls # I Get is fake. I got one girls # and she stopped responding. Im so lonely. All I do is work and school. No happiness. No friends. No family. I’ve been planning this for awhile. Im just ready to crossover into the afterlife. I have no potential for anything. | self.SuicideWatch |
WALL OF SHAME (It may help you!) After doing some journaling and reading old ones, I realised the progress I've made after a particularly bad time the last year. It's doing this that made me realise I have OCD as well and in tackling that myself (and also starting therapy for this and my GAD and ADHD) I've seen how the obsessional mind loops set up and the anxiety latches. Things have gone round and round in my head unchecked and I've just realised how utterly fucking stupid they are!!
I grabbed a pen and a big piece of paper and entitled it 'WALL OF SHAME". I have added all of these stupid mind loops and anxieties I have and I've stuck it on the wall (I will add more when i recognise they've started). I have been laughing my head off seeing them in the light of day!! Utter nonsense reasoning but in my head they held such power:
"I can't reason there is an afterlife so life and anything I do in it, is completely pointless" (I do believe in one by the way, the OCD makes me continually doubt it)
"I can't buy myself any new clothes because the World is going to shit and I'm participating in it via materialism"
"Repetitive tasks I have to do like taking the bins out and ironing means life is completely pointless"
"Looking at a calendar makes me feel like I'm wasting my life"
I don't know if it will help you but it's sure helped me realise what my fears are and how my mind unreasonably tries to deal with them them!
If you realise any post them below!!
Edit: I have no clue where that flair came from... if anything I'm sending hugs and support to you all!!
| self.Anxiety |
Epival So to my horror I have gone from 172 pounds to 283 pounds on epival. I just let it slide eventually, I was horrified when I was at 220 and just got more and more depressed after each doctors visit, gaining 2 pounds a week. It would stop going up for about a month and I would think I platowed. At 250 I really just gave up when doctor and nurse said it will just level out at some point. Honestly I went from 272 to 283 in two months. How this is possible I do not know. I now have massive stretch marks across my entire stomach, it hurts my achillies tendons to walk, some days they ache so bad when 8 get out of bed I can barley walk. There must be some kind of diet for this. I calculated everything on myfitness pal for 2 weeks, I was allways 500 to 1200 calories under without even trying. I would like to be able to just walk again without pain, which is the main goal. Has anyone had this bad of a reaction to epival before? | self.bipolar |
How do I tell my family that I have been depressed for the past four years? I've been depressed for a few years now and had (have) suicidal thoughts for a lot of that time.
I really can't find any meaning to my life (or anyone else's (sorry)) nor anything that I REALLY want.. enough for me to stay alive so that I can ensure that I get it.
The more I think about it, the more meaningless everything seems...
The only reason I haven't called it quits is, I would hate to hurt my family like that... so I've been enduring.
Anyway, back to the point: I was thinking of letting my rents know how I feel... and have been feeling... but I know that my mom will just blame herself (not sure about my dad... he might not take me seriously).
I suppose I just need to find a way to make my mom understand that it's not her.. it's me (lol).
Also, one of our dogs passed away recently... my mom and little brother took it quite hard.
My mom actually had an anxiety attack and passed out for a few hours.
So yeah... what do I do?
Should I just not tell them? I'm starting to feel like that might be easier/best. | self.depression |
Anyone else get anxiety over falling asleep I hate it, it feels like I'm dying every night and like I'm wasting time. I can only sleep when I'm desperately tired and it crushes my internal clock when i end up staying awake until 3/4am. | self.Anxiety |
I could a boy I've been talking to messaging girls yesterday I've been with him 4 years and we took a small break. We started again last month because my anxiety and depression is so bad and he comforts me though he is absolutely verbally abusive. Yesterday he asked me to check a message on his phone n I see messages from him asking girls on dates n stuff.. he hAsnt taken me on one I'm years. I asked him about it and he basically said I'm boring to talk to n stale n it's my fault. By the end of it I was apologizing.. I had just filled my xanax and got a bottle intending to od. My mom found my bottle n dumped it tho. Don't want to be here thanks for compassion | self.depression |
I just wanted to share my story i guess [deleted] | self.depression |
A rant and a thank you Went to happy hour with friends and there was a bartender who was rude (I honestly should've just left and just met up with my friends later). But there was another bartender who was kind to us. I wanted to say thank you to her for making our evening a bit better :) | self.offmychest |
I was taken into a mental hospital on May 31, 2017 [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I’m in the middle of a divorce. Old friend asked me out. I said I’d think about it. Friend’s cousin is now out for my blood. James,
You never took the time to get to know me. You formed your own misguided and incorrect opinions. You hated me from the moment your cousin showed interest in me 8 years ago. You were ecstatic that we stopped talking because his feelings for me were making a friendship impossible.
Now I’m going through a divorce after a very lonely marriage. Your cousin reached out to me. He has been helping me through this. He asked if sometime in the future, he could take me out. I said I’d think about it, but more than likely.
So why, James, are you reaching out to my soon to be ex husband’s friends and asking for proof that I’m going through a divorce. Asking for dates of when I filed. How is this any of your business? Why don’t you approach me? I’ll gladly show you the divorce papers to shut your pathetic mouth up. I’m not afraid of you, sweetheart, nor am I intimidated by whatever slander you’re trying to cause. You are only hurting your relationship with your cousin. I can promise you that you’re doing no lasting harm to me by getting my soon to be ex’s friends to not like me.
Signed,
Someone you never took 10 minutes to actually get to know. | self.offmychest |
Nobody knows I keep it all to myself, always. Every day I feel suicidal. I'm self medicating and suffering always but no one truly sees or cares. | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm tired of acting like I'm okay, I want to shout "Fuck you all I want to die" | self.depression |
Struggling with doing meaningful things Why can I spend 4 hours straight on reddit, but have trouble with spending 10 minutes paying my telephone bill? | self.Anxiety |
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