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A Letter to My Future Self: Self Love Dear (future) B,
This letter may be fragmented.
This letter may be short, or it may be long.
This letter may be emotional.
Most importantly, this letter is to show you that you can stay grounded despite the rush of emotions you experience when you feel vulnerable and [falsely] unloved.
Everything you thought you knew since that day (October 21st) has become unraveled within the last fourteen hours. It’s hard to find the words that can sum it all up in order to save some time and space within this letter. This letter is also not about those specific events but about you and only you, and how far you’ve come; it all plays into being able to deal with whatever the future may bring.
As you admitted this morning, to yourself and G, your sense of clarity evaporates when you begin to feel vulnerable. It leads you to a self-fulfilling prophecy - the exact neediness you exhibit will do the exact opposite of what you’d like it to do and will therefore lead you to feeling ever more “needy.”
Listen to me: You are not validated by someone’s ability (or lack thereof) to love you.
And again: Sometimes, it is not simply not about you.
So far in your healing process you’ve managed to understand the importance of detachment. You’re making wonderful progress and I hope that at some point you are still progressing. Your existence is for you and for you only. It is not okay or healthy to live solely for another human being. Remember that you are not “incomplete” without someone however that someone can enhance the you that you already are. A relationship consists of two people working together as a whole yet existing as their own sense of “wholeness” outside of the relationship. That is so very important for you to remember for the rest of your life. Remember when you felt vulnerable just a few weeks ago (sometime in November) and wanted to dive into texting that boy in order to make you feel better about yourself? And then remember that you didn’t because you kept your clarity and understood that it was a coping mechanism. Don’t forget that you’ve done that not only once but a few times now and that is exceptional. I understand future Bri may encounter some setbacks and that her well-being might as well be a roulette wheel, but that’s exactly what this letter is for.
As you’ve been told, you are luminous. You shine bright. Your heart is [almost too] huge. You have the potential to do great things. You are not your illness and you are not your insecurities. The grave you will lay in one day will only consist of you and nobody else. If the world ends and you survive, you have yourself. You have to keep this mind every single day. Work on self love and understand your worth. Yes, G makes you feel like the most important girl in the world. But before you can let him do that, you need to understand that you are the most important girl in the world to yourself, for yourself.
You’re done putting your interests aside just to receive love for the night/day. You’re done with getting angry at the phone for not getting responses quickly. You’re done feeling unimportant or unloved because you’re not someone’s first priority. In the month and a half since the breakup, you have transformed. It is only the beginning but you have taken steps in the right direction. Future B needs to look back on this whether she’s in a good spot at the time or not. She needs to know that even though she may not be at a point in life she envisioned, she did something for herself.
When you feel like he’s pulling away, don’t push harder.
When you feel like you want to run to him in order to silence your overwhelmingly surfacing insecurities, understand that will not make things better. Understand that they are amplified and you are only expressing coping mechanisms in order to deal with the underlying issue. The issue isn’t that he doesn’t love you but that you make yourself unloveable. Understand that when you get into that mindset and lose grasp of the clarity, someone moving mountains for you will not fill that hole of pain. The only person on the face of this Earth that can fill that hole is you. You have the capability of moving mountains on your own when you remember these things.
Continue doing your research. Continue taking time for yourself. Continue setting your phone down for hours at a time. Continue living your life out and letting others play a part and not the center role. You’re the star of your life, you lead the show. Your family, friends, boyfriend, colleagues - they play their roles in your story. Most importantly, they play their lead role in their own stories and similarly you are character.
Learn to appreciate silence. Learn to appreciate a bit of loneliness and solitude. Self-love includes coming home from work to take a hot bath and drink a glass of red wine, not rushing over to whoevers house in order to feel loved by someone else.
You cannot be loved appropriately if you cannot love yourself first.
Isn’t it just like me to start taking the advice I’ve been given by so many people my entire life.
Love yourself.
Respect yourself.
Appreciate your own time.
Respect others.
Respect other’s need for space.
Live for you.
Again, love yourself.
With love,
B, 12/3/2017.
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self.depression
|
I'm done I can't do this anymore. I don't have a plan but I don't have the will to live. See my post history if you want context, but tl;dr I made a huge mistake that cost me my only shot at being happy and now I have no reason to stick around.
So long, and thanks for all the bullshit.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Having a lot of conflicting emotions Just a rant.
Today has been a strange day. But I guess it really all started a couple days ago. I have been in a bit of a hypomanic period for the last couple of days probably triggered by the date I ended up going on yesterday. Before going out my anxiety built up so much I was getting nauseous. It passed once my date showed up. In the end the date went well and we made plans for another.
Today I woke up feeling pretty ok but then I went to a counseling appointment. I dredged up some old feelings and have been fighting the beginning twinges of depression all day.
Tomorrow is my nephew's birthday. I want to be excited but the prospect of being around all the families is starting to break my heart.
I wish I could hide. I wish I could go back to the feeling I had yesterday.
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self.bipolar
|
Im not useful I have no use, infact since I'm deaf my parents had to buy Cochlear Implants and upgrades for them. It just seems selfish of me to be costing my parents thousands of dollars when my dad is unemployed and my mom is losing her job in April. Nothing is going well so, I'm depressed and none of my friends take me seriously since I'm always the one trying to be happy even though it is a cover. Please help me I just can't handle life it's too much
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self.SuicideWatch
|
does anyone else find that they need to constantly have on headphones? I use headphones to retreat into myself at work and like create a bubble, but these days I also need them constantly at home because of my noise anxiety. I'm also afraid of my neighbors so every little noise they make makes my gut wrench and my anxiety freak out, and I can't tolerate noises inside or outside my home as they will wake me up and kick off my anxiety cycle. My sleep has never been good but with recent events that are out of my control I am just on constant alert. As a result I've got headphones in like 80% of my day and night! Does anyone else use them as a tool? I have even started watching TV with them in because they act as earplugs as well as listening devices and I just don't want to hear the things that make me anxious. Doesn't help that I live close to a fire house......
|
self.Anxiety
|
Suffering from "L'appel du vide". (The call of the void). Hello everyone!
I'm creating this thread because I really need help with my problem.
I'm suffering from what we call "L'appel du vide". Examples for this disorder: make a sudden 90 degree turn while driving, jumping off a cliff. We can also call that Suicidal Ideation.
So I'm driving for approximately a year now and everything was fine until a month ago. Now, I'm not suicidal at all, but when I'm driving I feel like I have the urge to make sudden 90 degree turns. It's even worse when I'm driving on the highway. I'm also aware that there are other drivers around me and it would be really... selfish to do this kind of move.
In about a month I'll have to drive a lot and I really need to get rid of this. The worst part is, I was so excited to drive all by myself and now I suffer from this.
I really need to talk to someone about this but I came here first for advices/help on getting rid of my disorder.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Losing sleep I seem to have put myself in a pickle.
It's hard for me to get to sleep at night, so I usually fall asleep around 3-5 am, even if I'm in bed by 7 pm. When I finally fall asleep, nothing can wake me up before I'm ready, which is usually around 9 am. I've been this way my whole life, and it's always taken a toll on me, but it's way worse now that I live alone. I started a new job about a month ago, and my shifts usually start at 6 am or at 8 am. I've already been late twice and it has instilled this awful anxiety in me that makes it EVEN HARDER TO FALL ASLEEP.
This is the third night in a row that I haven't actually slept, since I was late for the second time four days ago. It's currently 2 am and I have to be up at 7 to make it to work at 8, so I know there won't be any rest for me tonight. Again.
Every time I start to fall asleep I panic and jolt myself awake again. I just want to rest. I don't know what to do. The most sleep I've gotten is short naps. I'm starting to feel sick and not remember things I said or did, and I'm sure this post doesn't even make any sense. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to stay awake during the day and get the most out of the little sleep I can get?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Really bad social anxiety triggering auditory Hallucinations? I only ever get auditory hallucinations when my anxiety is triggered by another person. I've had periods where I've done something wrong and can hear my dad screaming about it, even though he was asleep or not home. I've woken up to the sounds of my parents fighting even though they weren't. I hear police outside my door at night whenever I see a police car drive by on my walk home.
The first time I actually noticed the correleation between my anxiety in regards to other people and the auditory hallucinations was this weekend though. I started hearing my roommate and the friends she had invited over to party at our house talking about me. I've "heard" her several times since she moved in, but I am almost 100% sure that it's not real. But it's still really upsetting.
I suppose that I can at least be thankful that the voices I hear are never talking to me. They just talk about me.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My crazy is starting to shine through My friend didn't answer my message yesterday, so my brain started working overtime. I wrote some weird, needy messages, which of course made it worse. And now I've been laying awake in bed for 4 hours analyzing every single interaction for the past month. Did I say or do something? I guess deep inside I know he's just busy. But my brain and body is going crazy. I feel sick.
I have been afraid of getting fired. No reason for it all. And I wrote a crazy email to my boss. Which made it worse, and even though he wrote me back a reassurance message that I wont get fired, I still feel so afraid when I go to work.
My crazy is starting to shine through again, and I'm afraid it will ruin my life. I'm sweating and feeling sick to my stomach and just want to hide from the world. Every thing has been good for 6 months, but it's hitting me hard right now and I don't know what to do.
I'm starting to weird friends and colleagues out who don't know about my anxiety. Which I understand. I alternate between being totally withdrawn, or really trying and then just being one big excuse for myself.
Every single night I overanalyze conversations, interactions and I'm tired
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self.Anxiety
|
insane panic attacks today i thought i was going mad
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self.Anxiety
|
I rather die than to go to school tomorrow I can't escape school forever, and run away from my commitments forever. Why not just end it all with a simple jump into the waters?
I tried overdosing once, and I failed.
Drowning is a more sure method of going.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Short man in need of help Alright so I'm super drunk right now and I'm feeling very depressed and I just need to vent. I've really been working hard to overcome the symptoms of my depression. I just celebrated one year in therapy but I kind of had a crappy night and I just need to let it out somewhere.
I'm a month away from turning 28 and I feel like I can't escape the fact that I'm a short man. I'm somewhere between 5 foot three and five foot five and in my opinion it has utterly destroyed any chance at happiness I will ever have.
I will admit that no matter how hard I try to change my mindset, my sense of self worth is entirely dependent on other people's opinions. Especially that of women I find attractive. As a rule women I find attractive want nothing to do with a short man. This lead me to spending two catastrophic years in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic girlfriend who I didn't love. And the fact is she probably overlooked my shortness because I put up with her alcoholism for so long.
After moving to a new city to escape her, I've battled to make every new friend I could get---all of whom are from work. And while I feel good about the friends I've made, they are all contained to work and thus reluctant to spend time outside working hours with me. On top of that I'm utterly in love with one of my coworkers and can get mixed signals from her at best.
I'm just tired of feeling unloved and unwanted because of my height. I know it's because of my height because my face and overall fitness otherwise are average or better than average. My personality is also good, all things considered.
I work so hard to make other people happy, but on the inside I'm dying of loneliness. Someone please tell me there is hope.
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self.depression
|
My moods in the past week have ranged from suicidal to delighted [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
I have so much energy I'm on the verge of tears I don't think my medication is working anymore. The dose has been upped and upped and now I'm at the max and I'm still sitting here feeling like I'm on speed. I get little blips of feeling normal and fine here and there but then it ends and I feel even more out of control. I can't stop moving or thinking or TALKING especially talking. I've been pretty much having a conversation with myself all day ar work today because nobody else is keeping up! I just want to do everything because everyone else is too slow!
What bothers me most though is I keep hearing this buzzing sound. Like an electronic buzz, like something or someone is in my thoughts and I really want that to stop. Like my husband is listening to my thoughts, I'm sure he is. Whatever though, back to work! Seeing as I pretty much hold this company together LOL
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self.bipolar
|
My boyfriend loves me, but it's not enough. Honestly, he's the only person who'd care. I've been suicidal since I was 10, and almost succeeded at 16 when released from residential treatment(and sent back until I was 18). Honestly it's the only reason why I lived until adulthood, I had staff on me 24 7, belts and other restrictions. The treatment was basically jail, cinderblock walls and a mat, with no window, no privacy. I was being punished for wanting to die. It made me awkward, shy, and afraid in a crippling way.
I was sexually abused since 3, and blamed for it. When I reached adulthood, I was shamed for it and so I kept it secret. I let it eat away at me. All the friends I make end up leaving me when they find out that I'm depressed or secretly suicidal. I've had friends I've known as long as 5 years beg and pressure me to open up, because it's hard to hide the sadness and abuse for that long. When I eventually open up and admit I have depression or was thinking of suicide, they leave.
Recently(november) I took a chance. Friends noticed I was gone for a while. One friend found out I was suicidal and told a lot of mutual friends(in a caring way because he couldn't hear back from me)
One of my newest best friends, who I knew for almost 2 years, sends me a message saying how he knew I wasn't going to kill myself because I'd be dead by now. That the fact I'm still alive means I was doing for attention because if I was serious no one would know.
That's not the first time I've been told that.
Although I struggled, my dad(who passed 3 years ago) was my anchor. He loved me and thought the RT would have helped me. He died in my arms, although he went peacefully in his sleep. My mom took advantage of the fact that I was now fully dependant on her. I couldn't report any of the terrible things she did, else she'd kick me out. Some of the things she did was add a padlock to the inside of the front door. I could not leave. For a while, she took all my clothes and I had only(and I mean only, no pants ect) a thin white shirt one size too small to wear.
I'd call homeless shelters and suicide hotlines looking for resources, but shelters were only interested in me if I had a child, or if it was a man abusing me. Hotlines wanted to call police and for my Safetey I had to hang up. The police were called before and she yelled in front of them if I pressed charges she'd kick me out. I asked the cop if I did if they had a program or resource they could refer me to. They said no, that they don't do that kind of thing.
She ended up losing the padlock, and never bothered to replace it. She probably knew I had no where to go.
I eventually meet this awesome guy, but after our first year dating(now on 2.5) he's been getting nastier.
I can tell he is disappointed in me. I'm not in college even though that was my goal. I've never worked a day in my life. I can't sleep at night. I've been more suicidal and every day since October I woke up wishing I was dead. Now, it's constant (all day even when trying to sleep). I don't know how to deal with this empty pit inside me, the twisting of my stomach and the pounding of my heart. I've become distant and nearly catatonic at times. He finds my uneaten food and lectures me.
The real problem is, when I even begin to panic, he sees it in my eyes, I don't even have to say anything, he screams at me. For the longest time in our relationship I told him I've had a life full of abuse, and even if it's silly to him, there were things people did before hurting me. I go into fight or flight and I do my best not to cry, but I still can't hide the fear on my face. He gets so mad, and sometimes screams at me about how I'm over reacting, how I need to get over it. It makes me feel so broken. I feel like there's no hope for me. Everyone tells me that progress is good, no matter how long it takes, but it's unfair for them to say that when everyone gives up on me, or distances themself from me.
Almost dying at 16(they had to use a defribulator) solidified the fact that if I did it, it needs to be better planned out, since I was extremely lucky I had not damaged myself. They were surprised I had no hearth arrhythmia after that and my kidneys fully functional. I took it as a sign for a true second chance. Well, I did nothing with it.
I have a note written, money to pay for a funeral, and other stuff. I think the only thing left to do is to somehow get rid of all my things slowly so when I die there isn't a mess, and so I can pack everything up in a day so he doesn't have to clean anything up when I'm gone.
Unfortunately I've just fallen through the cracks. I gave life a chance like I promised, which funnily enough those who I promised it too are no longer in my life.
I put up with a lot... people say it's a permanent fix to a temporary problem... But my demons will be lifelong. My problems have been lifelong. I have no friends, no support system and I tried! I truely feel I have no quality of life. I'm done with it. I've crossed a lot off my bucket list already. I got to do a lot of things as an attempt to try and enjoy life, and I don't. Yes, I feel awful my bf spent so much on me, but I just cant enjoy life. I'm on a diet of soylent(it's like ensure but less sugar) just so my boyfriend doesn't have to deal with me passing out because the stress and self hate is so bad I can't keep food down. I can't sleep yet I can't leave bed. I.. I just wanted to make sure I tried, so that I wouldn't have any regrets when I go through with it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Food and med reactions? I don't know if this is psychosomatic or now, but I *thought* I noticed a real down tick in my mood when I was eating heavy amounts of dairy each morning (greek yogurt and milk in overnight oats). I've since switched back to eating spinach quiche in the mornings with a tiny amount of cheese for flavor.
My question is: Has anyone notice a real issue with specific foods changing your moods severely? I googled dairy and Lithium and noticed there *might* be an interaction. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I have noticed my mood improved since I dumped the dairy.
|
self.bipolar
|
I think my relationship might be over. So my boyfriend and I have been together for about 15months officially, there was an unofficial month before that and some other messier months before that.
Most of the time everything is perfect, like dream guy, future planned out perfect. But whenever we have a fight, it feels like the very end. Usually we don't fight very often, maximum once a month and we get over them fairly easily.
Problem is, now we are fighting pretty much once a week. The fights don't feel little anymore either.
The fights might start over something little but we're barely recovering from one when the next starts. It just feels like it's all piling up and I feel like we're done.
Problem is, I don't want it to be over and he refuses to even see that our fights are very bad.
|
self.offmychest
|
Thanks for nothing I thought this was supposed to be a place for support and all the times I've posted very few people offer support. Thanks for showing me that the world and universe doesn't give a shit about me. I've already got a plan that I want to commit to so maybe this is what that sign is. No one cares about me anyway so why am I even typing this.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Feeling better on Prozac Hey you guys.
I had made a post here a few weeks ago. I finally decided to go to my doctor and ask about a prescription. She gave me a months worth of 10mg Prozac to try and see how things went.
I don't know if this is a placebo effect or something of me being really hopeful these will work; But I feel better than I have in YEARS. I'm on day 3 which is what I find really bizarre and already feeling good.
I know after 2-4 weeks, you start feeling physical improvements. Then 4-6 is when the mood boost comes.
But honestly, I feel great. I don't feel as irritable, I feel more calm, I'm overthinking things less, my mind is wandering less, I don't feel that stupid heavy pressure on my chest that used to be there 24/7 365. I don't understand why I'm feeling so good after only 3 days, but I ain't complaining that's for sure.
Only thing I've had an issue with so far is sleeping - it's hard to fall asleep because I feel really awake.
Just posting so people can see it can feel/get better :)
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm alone for the first time, I'm miserable, I want to give up I'm a 20 y/o female.
I moved in with my friends a few months ago. It was my first time moving out. I moved out of state, to a place I only knew them and my boyfriend.
They moved into a bigger house and got a new roommate, because "Your boyfriend can move in! That's great!"
But its not. Every bit of furniture in the house was theirs. I don't even have a garbage can. We don't have any money.
My boyfriend is gone all the time. He works long hours, plays in a touring band, and when he's home he sleeps. I'm so lonely in this empty ass house. I can't drive, so I'm stuck here.
My old roommates have their shit together. They have friends over. They're having fun. I miss them a lot. At least when they were here, I wasn't completely alone.
I live hours and hours away from my family and friends. I haven't made any friends here yet, besides the roommates, but being around them right now makes me really sad. I'm so depressed, I can't fall asleep. I've been drugging myself with nyquil to be able to fall asleep at all.
They came to pick up more of their stuff today. They took the bathroom mirror. And the nyquil. No sleep for me, I'll just have to stay awake and panic all night.
My boyfriend isn't being supportive. He's offended that I miss them so much.
"Why don't you like living with me? Its nice and quiet now!" but I don't WANT quiet. Its only quiet because I'm always alone, and we don't have Internet or anything to keep us entertained. I've been laying on a dresser in the living room, counting ceiling tiles while he's at work. I can't move home because my stepdad is creepily sexual to me. He used to stand outside my windows and watch me sleep.
I'm so miserable. I keep thinking of things that may be laying around that I could drink to knock me out. I haven't eaten in days. I have no appetite and I just get sick when I try to eat. I hope I never get off this floor.
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else feel this way too? So I'm not sure if this is a form of anxiety or what you would call it but I find myself obsessed with time. I can't do things if I feel like I don't have a considerable amount of time for that task; for example I just graduated from culinary school and I work part time and I would like to be able to bake and cook a lot in my spare time but I don't feel like I have enough time to do that or that I'm almost wasting my days off by doing that so instead I just avoid it completely because of fear.
Or that I have to plan out my sleeping patterns and make sure I get at least 6-8 hours of sleep every night and I have to give myself at least 30 to an hour to fall asleep so I can read and get sleepy and if I don't I start to panic that my next day is going to be ruined or I'll be way to tired to do anything if I don't get that exact amount of sleep. I tend to shy away from doing a lot of things in my spare time or hanging out with friends because I just feel like I don't ever have enough time to do it and I can't seem to reason with this irrational fear of time.
And on my days off of work I tend to not do anything I actually would like to do or be productive towards my career choice. I will sometimes be productive and clean but I find it really hard to get ready and leave my house to do simple errands alone or just go and do something by myself.
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self.Anxiety
|
snapped at my bestfriend So yesterday I was out and my friend and I had been drinking a little and she asked me if I thought I was "placeboing" my bp now that I know about it.(meaning making the symptoms worse now that I've been diagnosed) I didn't react much in the moment but I couldn't get it off my mind and I yelled at her over the phone. Is it just me who feels like that was a reallylot insensitive thing to do? Please let me know cause I can't get it out of my head.
Edit: clarity
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self.bipolar
|
is it okay to not be a people person? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
How does therapy for a specific phobia that could actually be a real danger work? Like, being afraid of driving, or dogs...I can understand exposure therapy for something like spiders, most species can't actually hurt you, or heights, or something, where you can learn that the thing isn't really dangerous...but cars DO crash. Dogs DO bite people. It may not happen this time, or this time, or this next time, but it could still happen in the future. It's a legitimate concern. So how do you approach a phobia about a real danger in therapy? You can't train yourself that it's nothing to worry about, nothing bad is going to happen, because it could. Unless the therapy is learning to lie to yourself, to convince yourself that it won't happen, even though obviously it could? How are phobias like this treated?
I'd love any insight into the process anyone can give me! Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
|
Cant do it The only way I will matter to anyone in life is if I die. And even then it will only be for a day or so. I don’t have a reason to continue living. I don’t want to die, but I need to kill myself.
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self.depression
|
My doctor sucks and her office won’t let me change to a new psychiatrist... [LONG, sorry] Last time I went in to see my psychiatrist, Dr. B, I had an appointment at 10:00 am. I arrived there at 9:45. I had to leave for a 4-hour trip to pick up something I was buying from Craigslist and I had to be there before 3:00 pm because the guy was leaving town for a week when he got off work. So basically, I had to be out of her office by 11:00 am or I wouldn’t make it. It was already a very stressful situation, but I figured this would be fine because her appointments are only 30 minutes.
10:15 rolled around and I asked the receptionist what was going on and she said she must be running late, so I sat back down. It was 10:30 and I asked the receptionist if she could please check to see what was going on because I needed to leave. She told me I would get a bill in the mail if I left, even though I already paid the co-pay and I was scared of that, so I didn’t leave. She called my doctor again and then I saw 3 receptionists whispering about me and looking over at me. Great. Like I need any more anxiety this morning. So I was already pretty pissed off and anxious, and this was making it 1000x worse.
It was 10:45 before I got in and I was shaking and fidgeting and looking around nervously and told Dr. B what was going on. She dismissed me and said “are you feeling depressed because you seem pretty depressed and anxious.” I just wanted to scream because I had been feeling a lot better in the past weeks. I told her calmly that this anxiety was basically caused by her and her office and she didn’t believe me. Dr. B asked me why I hadn’t been in the office for 2 months and I told her it was because her staff never answers the phone. She said that was “hard to believe” even after I showed her proof that I called and no one answered 7 times in the last 2 months. It was 11:00 and I told her I needed to leave, but she told me to sit down and listen to her. In retrospect, I could’ve (and should’ve) just left right then, but I was scared so I sat back down. She proceeded to chastise me for not trying to be less depressed and went on and on about how she (still) thought I was lying about the phone thing
Anyway, sorry this is long. I want to change to a different doctor in the practice, obviously. The only reason why I haven’t run screaming from this practice is because I see a psychologist there too, Dr. R. She’s the nicest person and she really helps me. I see Dr. R every week and Dr. B once a month. Initially (a year ago), Dr. R recommended that I see a psychiatrist in the practice, Dr. S, but she wasn’t accepting new patients, so I had to see Dr. B in the meantime. I requested to switch to Dr. S and filled out a bunch of paperwork and I was denied by Dr. B. I have no idea why she is the one who denies or approves the requests. Of course she would deny it because she would lose a patient (and money) otherwise. What can I do? I’ve had so much trouble finding a psychiatrist that actually listens and doesn’t sit there and type the whole time, dismiss my problems, and ignores my hard work to make myself feel better.
TL;DR: Psychiatrist is always late, doesn’t listen, blames me for my problems, but she won’t let me see another doctor in the practice.
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self.Anxiety
|
I kinda want to sell everything and move Not a manic decision, I'm type II and hover around a mild depression.
Anyone tried selling everything and starting over in a new place? How'd it work out?
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self.bipolar
|
SSRI induced bipolar disorder Hi,
I was given the diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder, due to a SSRI I was taking. My Psychatrist believes that my recent hypo manic episode was due to the medication that I was taking. I have had symptoms of Bipolar Disorder before but I did not know how to describe what I was experiencing. He is treating me with Abilify currently, I have recently stopped taking it because I am back to having a depression episode. I don’t know what to do at this point. What I’m asking is how many of you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder, after taking an SSRI? What happened?
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self.bipolar
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The "cool kids" in college are jerks. I'm a normal guy just doing his own thing - usually doing my own work alone and hanging out with friends from different faculties.
The cool kids come into campus and as if by magic be revered like god. And I feel that it gives them a huge ego boost and hence they stay exclusive and hang out with one another, like a cool kids circlejerk.
What pisses me off is the following:
1. They often poke fun at ordinary people like me and refuse to even acknowledge them. Their perception of you is worse if you are plus-sized or are soft-spoken. It sucks to be their classmates - they don't give a damn if you're within hearing range.
2. If they make up a joke, everyone laughs - "look, Doosh Brag is really funny!" No one cares if it has been made by someone else before.
3. If a normal kid makes up a joke, the best outcome is that no one laughs and gives him the awkward silence. The worst is "that's lame, normie." or "You're trying too hard, give up." or claim that "that's Doosh Brag's joke! Are you pretending to be cool?"
4. They shame you if they see you in the gym. Mainly the reason why I avoid the gym.
5. Extra jerk points - be into the hypebeast craze.
They seem to get away with all that **all the time**.
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self.offmychest
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What's the best way to kill myself? Preferably not too gruesome for whoever finds my dead body, not excruciatingly painful either and has to be legal ( I live in the UK so guns not an option and I'm 14 so I can't buy sleeping pills or other otc pills) I know the method I'm looking for pretty much doesn't exist but anyone any ideas?
P.s This honestly isn't a cry for help and as much as I appreciate it I'm not looking for sympathy or anything I really just need answers, thanks :)
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self.depression
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My friend tried to kill herself & I wasn't there [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Severe depression Man. I just want to run away from my severe depression but I can't. I can't even get comfort in the day for even one second. I can never be comfortable and can never have any joy, happiness, or desire to do anything. Anyone else like this?
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self.depression
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When anxiety kicks in at night Hey folks!
I just broke up with my gf of 6 years, 3 months ago. As you can imagine, it's been a rough ride. One thing I noticed the week after the break up, particularly at nights, was that my heartbeat would accelerate and feel like the world was closing in. After talking to my doctor about it, he prescribed Ativan to help calm me down. While it helps, I'm wondering if anyone has any other methods of dealing with this?
Thanks for reading!
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self.Anxiety
|
I got knocked down, I'm not entirely sure if I want to get back up again... We're drowning in debt. I've been out of work more than I've been in it the last 15 months. Apart from a brief 2.5 week period of wedding day and honeymoon I don't remember the last time I was happy.
I put out applications for all kinds of jobs, stuff in my field, stuff out of it. I've even applied for burger flipper roles in a McDonald's ffs. I have a useless degree, and I have no hope.
I got calls for interview and then they say they don't want to take me on for first line support roles, would rather put me forward for a second line role, but have no idea when that role will open up...
I am the fattest most useless lump and waste of space I have ever been.
I think, honestly, I'm done.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Stuck on the couch ready to give up Stuck on an awful couch at my friends house that I'm paying thru the nose to sleep on(relatively, they charged 200 for this month and 400 usd for next month) I have no energy anymore and I'm always in pain. I cant even buy a bed for this place they just have this awful couch. I can't fix it anyways because I can't afford anything I have no money and I think I have no other options other than living with my mother who is also which will certainly lead to my suicide. Our pathetic adult family was still living together until last month our shitty landlord kicked us out.
Im 27 and my life is beyond pathetic. I have No training no career just a bunch of odd jobs that lead nowhere. No career will take me anyway cause i smoke weed. My family pretends to care when I am depressed then forget about me quickly because they're adults with more important shit to do. I went to college for music ed then realized I couldn't spend my life teaching something I was passionate about to a bunch of dumbfucks that make talentless retards like migos famous. This world spits in my existence. Why even fucking bother look for somewhere to live I'm better off dying. Cant wait to all make u feel better about urself short term and my misery to continue until I finally end it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm tired of going to school and work, just so i can numb the pain on the weekend. [deleted]
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self.depression
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things r going kinda bad again last time i felt like this was on the 10th of september. i usually enjoy reading and watching series but these past days have been hella hard; i just feel like hopeless and unconfident with myself in everything i do o every place i go.
my best friend tries to avoid this feeling of loneliness from me, but i just can't. this is getting hard
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self.depression
|
Please help, I'd appreciate the advice Hi...so uh this is a throwaway but I'll get to the point. Im a final year mechanical engineering student and ive been having frequent panic attacks over the past week. The reason is I have no idea what to do now. I'm done with my degree and I don't know what I want to specialise in. My grades are good (3.0+ CGPA on 5) and I've done some great projects. But I just don't have the confidence in myself whether I'll survive out there or not. I'm freaking out because I have no idea what I want to do, what to do in the next phase, not sure I'll be employed. Even if I do get employed I'm not sure I'll do well.
Ive posted the same at the engineering subs but I assume it's not the right place to post it.
I'm getting so anxious and losing my shit that I've gotten tunnel vision in the bad way. I can't see anything else but a negative future. I've lazied out on life, taken everything for granted and damn straight not worth a dime. I know I have gotten too comfortable, too too comfortable. I don't remember the last time I worked hard. It's just too pitiful.
I've just got the tip a few minutes ago and thought I'd post this here. Any advice and help is appreciated. Rest assured I won't "jump". I haven't given up completely yet. Please help me out.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why not me? You tell me not to feel like a failure, but yet I wasn't on your list. If you could and needed to come back to the states, wht not come to me? It's because I'm doing poorly, and you don't even know the details. You tell me not to look too far forward but that's not how I've managed this long. I need a thought, a hope a plan. I need to feel like there is a possibility and something I am working towards. That has been being with you these last few years. The hope, dreams and love. We had shared those thoughts once. While I love every moment we do share, I feel like the future is put on hold, i don't know what I'm supposed to be doing for it. And I want it desperately. I need you, in my life fully. I need to be with you to bve able to give you my all. To share it all, struggles and joys both. You are it for me. My only. I've meant that more deeply than j can describe every time I've said it. I'm sure of it. Distance or not I know it. I would give everything to be able to be with you and make you happy.
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self.offmychest
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Your beautiful face To my wife...
.
.
Your beautiful face,
I breathe in memories of the smile you once had for me and it fills my lungs with hope.
Hope carried by my blood through my veins and into my soul.
Like a bat I send out my signal,
“I love you…”
I await its return, the echo that navigates me through my day.
Nothing.
“I love you”,
“I love you”, a thousand times more I shout into your darkness,
Your silence returns as a thousand angry daggers, invisible in the black abyss.
The blades rend flesh and spirit, and though I am bloodied and weak, I stand.
Clinging to life, I smile.
“I’m okay”
“I’m okay”, a thousand times more I say to myself.
The peaceful repetition attempts to soothe my being, fighting back against the crashing waves of would-be tears.
The tide swells and calms, slowly eroding the bedrock of my faux defenses, and I crumble to the ground.
“I’m sorry”
“I’m sorry”, a thousand times more I cry out.
The words tiptoe to your ear in vain, as the burning eruption of your anger turns them to ash.
The molten rage slams into my ocean of tears, and encompasses me in a cage of obsidian.
Clawing back at your rage I try to hold on, but the heat is too much to hold on to, and I being to sink.
Down
Down I fall farther into the abyss of my own sorrow.
Searching for hope I close my eyes and try to remember your beautiful face,
And the smile it once had for me.
But it’s gone.
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self.depression
|
The Story of My First. So much has happened to me over the last two weeks.
I went from a generally unhappy, friendless (okay, very few friends) virgin to a content, normal 18-year-old with a normal girlfriend, and a normal relationship. I never knew what I was missing, holding hands is *SO* great!
We had the same class the entire year this year in high school, and I knew she was a *person* in my class, but I never really talked to her, and the few times that I did, was proxy through a mutual friend.
On the last work day of a project our class was assigned, both of all of our different groups' members were absent. She suggested we work together to finish it, as all we had left was a presentation. We kidded around the entire class while working, joking that we were a couple and even posted a Snap on my story with the caption "Couple goals day 1" over a picture of both of our arms side-by-side on the table with pipe cleaners formed into heart-shaped bracelets.
Purely joking around, or so I thought. We added each other on Snapchat, and talked a bit later that night; nothing much.
The next day, we both presented our different project presentations (of course it was just me, my partner barely ever showed up). All went well. She wrote me a note saying that she wanted to become friends, or *more*, and asked for my number. (not gonna lie, I might have intentionally ignored that part, as I was scared of what to do) I chatted back and forth on this piece of paper with her for the period, finishing with asking her to a cool hiking/hangout place behind the local dam in our small town. Nice views. She accepted for that night.
Because I got out of school early, we agreed to me picking her up across the street from the school by a picknick table. She got in, and away we went, as new best friends. The 20-minute drive to the dam was nice. We talked about her love of Xterra's, her family, my family, what cool hiking location was coming up, etc, etc.
All went well.
We arrived. We walked down to behind the dam...to the overlook peering over the silent river. We saw the soft sun setting in the background, reflecting on the water. She accidentally called the sun the moon. We joke about that often.
All went well.
It wasn't that late, maybe 8 or 9 p.m. and on the drive back, she asked me if I've ever been to the Nature Center. Having no idea we had one of those, I reply somewhere along the lines of "Nature Center? We have one of those?"
And of course, we're heading to the Nature Center. When we get there, it's already dark, and has been cold for a while now. I forget my jacket in my car, and she notices how cold I am in my voice (I get cold VERY easily). She suggests that we bundle up, by wearing the same jacket. So we do.
I'm in back, she's in front, and we have all of our arms in the same sleeve holes, as *friends,* mind you. We walk around in the dark for quite a bit, in this crazy entanglement of incoordination. It was pretty fun -- and *not* awkward for some reason.
She notes my heart is beating a little fast, I deny it.
After this, we get back in the car, and I drive her home. Nothing else major is said, until, on her way to her door, I call out, jokingly, "love you!" After a pause, "Love you too, fuckinghellwastaken!" was yelled back.
Later that night while in the drive-through for Taco Bell, we're talking on Snapchat and I, somehow, all of a sudden and from nowhere at all get the courage to ask her out. *Sure,* it wasn't in person, nor was it even text messaging, but I just wanted to ask. Never have I asked ANYONE out in my life seriously before, so I wanted to try it.
She accepted.
Wow, okay, well -- wow.
Fast forward a couple of days (when I wasn't working) and the first night together was back at that same Nature Center...except this time it was an official *date.* We held hands for the first time, and oh was it lovely. We talked and talked the entire time. Then, after getting lost, she drove us to another overlook for the lake, which we enjoyed silently. No kissing had taken place at this point.
The very next night together was movie-night. This was the night of my first kiss, it was amazing, though for some reason, stupid me uttered out "average" when I really meant "different than I expected." (I enjoy them now) She understood. The next night was Vine night (that is, watch a bunch of her favorite vines outside in nature). After that was bridge night. This included going to an abandoned walking bridge 30 minutes away, lying under the stars with her with a blanket and a pillow. That was especially amazing.
It's weird, I thought having a first girlfriend would be awkward, and a lot of work, but it's not. It feels totally natural for me, and it feels like we've known each other for years. She gets all of my stupid jokes, and I get almost all of hers. We can talk about *anything* together. However, she hates eggs, and root beer; both of which are things I decently like and love (in that order). Close to a deal breaker.
Close.
We've taken naps together, cuddled, watched movies, hiked, taken a small day-road-trip just outside our town, and *more* (stuff that I'm not exactly comfortable divulging giving this much information already). All that in two weeks, but it has felt like longer.
This has been the best two weeks of my life, and I'm grateful to have her in my life right now.
p.s. she admitted to having a crush on me that first day we actually talked, which while so did I, was pretty cool.
(by the way, didn't mean to make this post seem like a story, but it kinda evolved into one as I was writing it, so here you go)
Edit: Aaand, she dumped me.
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self.offmychest
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Suicide Isn't My Only Hope, It's Just... There? All my life, I've thought of how bullshit the stress of life is when compared to the simplicity of a poetic death. If I ever get in over my head, who's to say I shouldn't write a beautiful memoir and try to put myself down as calmly as possible? I'm even starting to lose motivation because I'm getting tired of the monotony of life. Sometimes I wish I was able to sleep forever and stop the fucking rush that is life, but I know my family loves me too much. I don't even hate my life, I enjoy it. I just feel like the effort I put in isn't worth it and I'd rather off myself than put up with a monotonous life. Of course, you could probably guess I'm only 17. I'm just tired of getting 6 hours of sleep a night and being mediocre at everything. Sometimes I think a well done suicide is an easy way to give up and make a name for myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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They tell you to "stay busy" so that you delusion yourself from how pointless life truly is.
They tell you to "be selfish" because people are no longer about us, but rather I.
They tell you to "love yourself" because our world no longer has love for each other.
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self.depression
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I am sad today I don't talk that much to anyone, it's been a month since my last proper conversation. This week and the last I have done nothing but sit in silence, and I know it makes the others awkward so I try to stay away from them. Today one of them asked if I hated her because I don't speak anymore, I felt very sad she felt like that and I have asked for forgiveness before and she said it was alright. I'm just ruining everything.
They try to talk to me. I can't even bear looking them in their eyes, I try but at best I can swing by and glance but it fails again. I think I am making them awkward and hurting their feelings. I try to stay away but often fail to do so, and again this makes me sad due to my inability to say anything. I said I couldn't talk because I had nothing to say, but they tried to point out that talking has nothing to do with anything, I felt worthless that I could not.
But again I did not blame anyone but myself, and I could do nothing but stand very shameful in silence. I had nothing to say, but all I wanted to say was that I was sorry. But I could not, because that would make them more awkward. But I was realy sad, angry and anxious knowing what I do and what they say to me. Either way they (probably out of pitty and because they always do invite everyone) invited me to a party, I felt like collapsing. I was quite paniced and they knew I would likely not come and that what I said was a lie. I went home, collapsed and cried for half an hour. I got a text asking if I would come, I said I was ill from the food we ate. I do feel ill from what I ate, but I think it is because of other reasons and maybe from something I ate earlier today.
-----
I read some posts, they too made me very anxious. And it has been about an hour. I have been thinking of suicide for a couple weeks now, since my depression is returning. Last week I had quite some intents but did not follow up, today it was even worse.
I don't know.
What I plan to do is get drunk, send a message to if I can call her friend and say that I am sorry for the way I am behaving. I really am sorry but I can't do anything about it and I can see it makes her sad or distressed. She will probably say it is fine but it isn't, I've ruined everything. I might go and get some more food elsewhere and hope I do not get sick.
In my mind I have been depressed for about 7 years. But it hasn't always been shit, but everytime it is good I lower my guard and get hurt or something happens. I know I shouldn't socialize because of my grose inability to do so, and yet I surround myself with people just because of who I am. I am sorry they have to be with me, that they worry and that I hurt them. That is probably the worst feeling and an initiative for me to want to end it. But I never do because suffering is worse than the unknown death, and no that is not good, but it makes others "happy" (at least for some time until I just break down and start pushing them away, and I guess they become happy again when we just stop talking).
Ok, I'm sorry you have to read this too. I just need to write something. Something to vent my anxiety.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Growing up with Alcoholic mother My mom has been a heavy alcoholic since I was about 10 years old. I'm now about to turn 18, and she still drinks that straight vodka. Over the course of the last 8 years I have been very emotionally abused with some physical altercations as well. She's been in rehab several times, in and out of jail for domestic violence and countless amounts of violations for her probation. Because of the alcohol, my parents are going through a nasty divorce where my mom wants to take lots of money from my dad, even though she hasn't worked for years. Now my dad might lose his job that provides very good pay because he has progressed so much over the years, and if he looses it he has no choice but to work a very low paying job off of a high school diploma. With Denver's cost of living it is pretty impossible to live here without a good income. Meanwhile, my drunk mom can go live with her family with my dad's money and we get to struggle to survive. I don't want to leave the state because I graduate this year and my college plans are in this state. In the midst of all this, I haven't had any friends for many years and I just sit here and browse the web aimlessly because I don't know what people my age do because I've been out of the loop this whole time. I want to gain friends, I want to get a girlfriend, but I have absolutely no clue how because I've been in my room my whole life and I don't know how to socialize. It just sucks that I've been hurt all these years, and it will probably get a lot worse through this divorce all because we wanted out of the abuse. It has took a big emotional toll on me, but I am very thankful I keep a positive outlook on life and keep moving forward, no matter how hard it is.
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self.depression
|
I'm so alone I don't know what to do with myself. I go from extreme anxiety to nothingness. Like, I don't know what the point is. I don't want to die because I'm scared of dying but I don't particularly want to live either.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Even my parents forgot me on Christmas 30s here, spending another Christmas alone.
The cherry on top: not one but BOTH of my parents (they’re divorced) haven’t sent me a gift before post offices close for Christmas.
I know I’m a little old to want “presents,” but the time it would have taken to get a gift or card to me in time for the holiday would have made me feel nice.
Even worse, I’m their only child!
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self.depression
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I want, need help, but the ones I believe are there for me invalidate every feeling. [deleted]
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self.depression
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The weight of the world is back again I was shifting through mania and hypomania for pretty much all of October and November— I was so unstoppable I enrolled in 4 college courses for next semester, even though I literally dropped out of all three of my courses last semester because it was too much. I have to find a new apartment by next month, which seems impossible now. I’ve already taken almost a year off at this point and I can’t take off any more time.
On top of everything, my disordered eating has been getting progressively worse after realizing that I had lost 12 pounds during my recent mania.
Instead of reacting outraged in regards to current news and events I’m just getting horribly upset and hopeless. I really hope this doesn’t last long— my depressions can last anywhere from a day to several months. I have a handful of new coping skills from this years IOP sessions, so I’ll see how that goes...
Anyway I just needed to vent, thank you for reading— any advice/empathy would be appreciated.. I haven’t cried as much as I have this week in a very long time. Hope you’re all doing okay
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self.bipolar
|
All I ever wanted All I ever wanted was to be happy. Just a couple people in my llife who love me. Just to be a little less lonely and share a quiet private life with people who feel glad to be near me. Instead I have nothing and noone. And crippling loneliness, sadness, fear and insecurity. I deserve to be dead because I'm a failure at life. Things will never get better. No one will ever love me - in fact the opposite is true. People hate me no matter what I do. I want it to be over. I'm tired of the pain. I just want it all to be over.
Edit*
The past few days since i posted this have been horrible. everything that can go wrong ha gone wrong. it's clear i'm not wanted on this earth and i should just shuffle out this life. i'm so sick and tired its incredible. i'm so very tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Man up Man up, suicide is selfish, god gave you a purpose. All the reasons I should live according to my parents.
They also say everyone feels this way, and I should just get out of the house.
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self.depression
|
I'm so depressed/anxious I'm pulling my hair out. It's been a problem for about 5 years now, getting worse. I'm literally pulling out my hair so frequently that I'm starting to get bald spots that are getting difficult to hide, to the point where I have to wear my hair in a ponytail 100% of the time now. I do it without thinking about it or realizing it. Sometimes I'll make little deals with myself like "Ok just one more time" and then when I stop paying attention, it just happens again. I don't know what to do.
I know I'm harboring some deep, deep shit but I don't know how to stop myself from subconsciously doing this. I'm a miserable person. I don't go outside unless I need to. I work from home 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week, and I'm a Mom so I get up at 7 AM everyday work or not. I stay awake until about 1-2 AM every morning spending almost that entire time on my computer trying to avoid anything I can.
I don't see my friends anymore. My best friends live right across the driveway, and I haven't seen them in weeks because I just don't have any desire to move or function, and now I'm super insecure about this bald spots and patched of hair regrowth that I can't tame(my hair is curly).
I've looked into support groups online, but everything just says this isn't something that can be fixed by anyone but me and that's just something else I can put off while it slowly eats me away.
I have no motivation to do anything ever. I'm tired from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep, and I never even feel like I slept. The night just whisks by. No dreams, nothing.
I just feel so lost..
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self.depression
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Spiraling out of control.. this is LONG, sorry in advance. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
explaining Anxiety Disorders to others I got diagnosed with GAD and Panic Disorder in 2011. I've gotten used to a lot of the things people say, and I frequently say "I know I have nothing to be anxious about; that's why it's a disorder," and "My brain just doesn't function the way most people's do."
Obviously, there are a lot of people who refuse to believe it's a "real" illness, but I usually discount them.
A week or so ago, I posted a story on Reddit in which my anxiety disorder was a tertiary plot point. Someone who claims to be diagnosed with anxiety (and bipolar disorder, which may explain this) did not seem to understand the exhaustion that anxiety can cause. S/He seemed to think that I was talking about merely being tired rather than weeks of exhaustion after full nights of sleep I was experiencing.
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self.Anxiety
|
What even is my life Thanks to this disorder and other things I've been jobless for the past three years. I'm 23 now and still living with my parents. I haven't made any progress in my life during that time.
Every time I've been about to get an interview, depression decides to kick in and I cease to function, ruining my chance at getting the job. To add to that, even when I do have the interview, I'm so awkward at social interactions that I end up bombing the thing and feeling like total shit afterwards.
I'm getting kicked off insurance soon. I need to find a decent job or I'm going to end up medless which obviously wouldn't be good. As much as I liked the hypomania, I don't want to go back to my old self.
I've tried voc rehab and nothing came of that. It's like I have some kind of aversion to finding work. I'm stuck on disability now and I feel guilty about it. I don't think I need it yet I'd be screwed without it. I'm such a failure.
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self.bipolar
|
I don't even know what a "good" life would look like. There's really nothing I want to do or achieve. Every part of this existence is dull and boring.
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self.depression
|
Those of you that have been hospitalized for your mental health, can you go WAY out of state for residential mental health care? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Someone in Portland needs help. It's far for me. Is there any way anyone else can help? They just want to talk to someone in person for a little bit. And if you meet them, you could potentially get them into a care center. I know it's a long shot, but I'm really sick so while I'm willing to make the drive if anyone else could do it that would really help me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm a burden. There are three people I would feel bad leaving behind: my boss (I am her only employee), my boyfriend, and my niece. But the truth is, there is someone out there who can do my job better than me, someone who would hurt my boyfriend less than me, and one day my niece will resent me as much as the rest of the world.
Everyone gets sick of me at some point. My mental health issues make me difficult to get along with sometimes, and I'm dropped like a bad habit.
My boyfriend is my only support, but when I'm feeling down we fight constantly and I feel like I have no support at all. He blames himself for my problems, which just makes me feel worse... Though I do sometimes feel that the fighting is like adding weights while I'm already struggling to keep myself above water. He thinks I'm angry. He doesn't understand it.
I wake up every morning crying over how much worse I make his life. I cry over the impact I make on this Earth, knowing that it will always be negative. I'm a waste of space.
I just don't want to fight anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How to stop wanting to end my only real friendship? Hi,
I pretty much have only one friend. He was persistent in keeping me company when I confided in him about my depression at the start of uni, so we got to know each other - but I know this is only because he made the effort. We lived together in second year, and I think I can say it was the most enjoyable year I have ever had in my life. We were around each other pretty much all the time (same course, same work team), and I genuinely enjoyed his company and the time we spent living under the same roof.
For our third year at uni we both got placements, and he went to move in with his partner. I live alone in private halls. We're both pretty busy with work, and because neither of us share experiences of day to day things, like we did in lectures and such, there's not very much to talk about anymore. We have the occasional chat via text maybe a couple of times a week at most, but seeing each other in person is scarce.
Today I went out with both him and his partner. It's not the first time I've hung out with both of them together, and the previous times I have, there's always been a discomfort (no-one like third-wheeling after all). But it seems to pass as the day goes on - I manage to separate the entity that is them as a couple into their own individual parts and interact normally with them.
Recently though it's really not been feeling like that. I know for a fact my depression has gotten much worse over the past month and all I've felt like doing is avoiding people. I never want to talk to anyone, and I never want to see people in person. It's so much effort and I have no energy to talk about anything. I know it's just pushing the few people I have in my life further and further away, but I don't know how to control it. But today I thought I'd make an effort to go and see them rather than make up excuses, because I do care about the both of them.
However, the whole day just felt unnatural to me. It was like hanging out with strangers. I had nothing to talk about and my discomfort around them didn't wane as the day went on. I felt I would've made a better impression on them if I'd said I couldn't go. My therapists have heard me talk about this friend of mine, since he's been a pretty big part of my life over the past two years, and have asked if I'm in love with him. I don't believe I am, but their comments have me doubting how I feel and it makes me want to keep myself in check and know my place as "just a friend" - to not show too much care and not behave in a way that makes me give off this impression. I'm fearful of showing any enjoyment of being around him now. I also think I'm jealous of him - he has a life plan, he has someone who loves him and who he loves back just as much, they live together, share each other's company, etc. I think I want to have someone like that too. I want to have a life to share with someone, or at least have companionship around me when I'm at home.
All of these things are making me want to disappear from their lives. After all, I don't really add anything to them - they're doing perfectly well without me. Moreover, surely they'd be better off for not having a jealous person around them?
I know a lot of these thoughts are influenced by my lack of self-worth, my self-hatred, my depression, my social anxiety, and so on. So I know that these thoughts are irrational and will only make the situation worse for myself and end up potentially hurting them in the process by just appearing to ghost them... They mean a lot to me.
How to I stop this want to disappear?
|
self.depression
|
Wall of Anxious. Need New Brain. Brain With Happy. I have dealt with anxiety disorder for as long as I remember and have some coping skillz, but lately it’s been kicking my ass.
My adult child (in college and living with me) has a degenerative disease that causes chronic pain and discomfort, which in turn causes depression. They of course come to me for support. A week or so of supporting said child causes me panic and anxiety that I can treat with cbd pretty successfully... unless I’m on call at work, then no meds. Today is that day. No meds for me!
Help me get through today. What are some steps I can take to stave off panic before I have to get in my car and drive home from work? I think I also need more longer term help because this is starting to impair me and my quality of life.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Who here shakes their leg when they're nervous? I used to do it all the time in school. I've just recently started doing it again and it's annoying. I'm constantly worrying somebody will see me and ask if something is wrong.
|
self.Anxiety
|
i hate Spam/Robo Calls I just need to complain about how much I hate randomized spam/robo calls, especially now that these calls spoof coming across as a local number.
Hearing a phone ring always makes me anxious. However, I need to have the ringtone on for phone calls in case it's work or a family member (I have older family members who are not tech savvy).
Hearing my phone ring and seeing an unexpected number automatically makes my anxious mind think it's a loved one who has been in a terrible accident and they're calling me from someone else's phone or a pay phone. Even after I pick up and realize it's not even a human who's calling me, my heart rate has spiked, my hands are shaking, and my mind is racing. I can't get back to normal for a little while and it disrupts my entire day.
I have signed up for every do not call list imaginable. On top of that I won't even answer the phone in English anymore because I've heard horror stories of robo calls capturing someone's voice to get access to their personal information, and I figured that that's less likely to happen if I speak a language that isn't common where these calls are coming to me. Once I realize it's someone I know,I switch back to English.
I hate calling people. I hate robo calls. I hate hearing my ringtone. I just want this to stop. I hate having hours of my day ruined by robo calls. Please, just let my unidentified phone calls be reserved for serious situations like loved ones dying. Thanks.
|
self.Anxiety
|
It's so hard to get out of bed. I've spent 4 hours lying on the bed this afternoon. It's so hard to convince yourself because there's nothing to look forward to, nobody to talk to and you cannot find the reason for self-care. It's easier to stay in bed and struggle about things like self-hatred, sexuality, all the types of relationships and the future than to take steps to improve the situation. It's so hard when you have no emotional support, nobody cheering you on and nobody to go through things with you, step-by-step.
Nobody's listening.
I'm aware that I cannot and should not rely on other for validation, and I cannot seek their help all the time. I'm aware that only I can change things. But as soon as I'm trying to be independent, everything just falls apart immediately.
Why am I like this? I just want the demons to go away. I don't need to be happy, I just want this to stop.
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else make post after post and then get nervous and go back and delete them? I second guess myself and think I said something stupid all the time. I have a pretty largempost history for only being here two months, but honestly it would be two or three times what it is if I didn't get crippling anxiety every time I tried to reach out for friends. I'm so tired of thinking I'm worthless and say stupid things all the time.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Irritable for months: is it SSNRIs? (Xpost r/bipolar) (And why do I need to turn to the internet instead of my doctor?)
I took cymbalta for two months, now Effexor for a week. I've been irritable and on edge constantly. My SO even brought it up, which isn't normal.
Anyone else deal with this? Was it related to SSNRIs for you?
|
self.bipolar
|
I feel like I am an annoyance or an obligation to those who care about me Sooooooooooooooooo one of my friends just got engaged, another one is working really hard and building connections to get into medical school, and another one of my friends started spending all his time with some friends after they won an engineering contest and are planning to build things on the side. I am just passing through my second year, no job, no money, literally my biggest achievement of the last couple months is beating cuphead. I feel so lonely. I wanna spend time with my friends but I don't want them to waste their valuable time playing a game or just consoling me. Like they mostly never ask me to hang out or anything, but when I come they'll happily go with me to cheap restaurant and hear me ramble about dark souls(the cuphead of 3D games). I feel like I don't deserve them.
|
self.depression
|
Lost I’m a 25 year old female and I’ve been with my wife for six years now. Everything was going great and there seemed to not be a problem in the world.
In April of 2016, I lost my Dad unexpectedly after talking to him only an hour prior. We lived together, the three of us. We were the best of friends and we did everything together. My wife was the one that found him. In the bathroom. He had an aneurysm and that was it. He was gone. My best friend, the only parent I ever had. I never even got to say goodbye. I can’t stop thinking that the last thing I talked to him about was about the air conditioning. Why couldn’t it have been something meaningful? I always said “I love you.” After ending every conversation with him. Whether it was in person, on the phone or through text. I said it an annoying amount of times each day, but he always said it back. What if he thought I was just saying it that last time out of habit?
We took a little time to be sad, but then it seemed like I was supposed to pretend that nothing happened. We stopped talking about him, like it never even happened. My Aunt told me a counselor would just make everything worse, so I didn’t go. I wish I had. I wish we both would have. I just wanted time to be able to properly grieve and I still haven’t gotten that.
Fast forward to about a week ago. My wife told me she doesn’t love me anymore. She won’t even look at me. She said it’s partially because I’m suicidal and partially because she doesn’t think she can love someone the way she cared for my Dad without the fear of losing them. And me, having my suicidal thoughts, makes her angry. She pushes me away, refuses to talk to me and doesn’t even want to try anymore. I can’t help that I have these feelings. I wish I didn’t. I truly do. I want to be healthy, but without her support, it’s really hard.
It took her almost two years to tell me how she felt? Why couldn’t she tell me this before we got married? We’ve only been married a little over a year. But she has no problem hiding an emotional relationship with a 20 year old from me. They tell each other everything; and they only just met two months ago. I feel as though I’ve been replaced and my wife gets angry anytime I ask about this girl. She even knows how uncomfortable she makes me.
We have plans to finally see a counselor sometime this week, but after telling her I just didn’t feel like being alive anymore, so said she doesn’t want to go to counseling. There’s no point in saving us. We’re ruined, mostly because of me. I just want us to talk to a professional, since neither of us had time to grieve. Individually or as a couple, any kind of counseling is better than none.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. Suicide seems like the right option because I have nobody else. If my wife doesn’t want anything to do with me, what do I have? A mortgage and no family?
Sorry for the rambling. My head is just all over the place.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
anxiety and gassy stomach, any tips to relief? ok I noticed when I get my anxiety episodes, my stomach gets really puffy, and I start to feel my heartbeat because of this. Has anyone found any natural ways to find relief from this, maybe do DGL tablets work o rosmething? Ive been using chamomille tea, and it does help with the trapped gas a bit but still looking for somethign else.
|
self.Anxiety
|
To the stranger I met on a plane and fell in love with, but let go of My business trip started as usual. Boring, dull, and slow.
You sat next to me, and we started talking like any two strangers would. Silly, irrelevant small talk.
We quickly moved on to talking about ourselves, our feelings and fears. It seemed unimportant at the time when we mentioned we were both married.
It became clear pretty quickly that we were both enjoying each other's presence. You tried to burry yourself in your book, but couldn't really stop talking to me. Even though you love books, I found it incredible that you didn't want to look away from me.
I felt extremely attracted to you, to all of you. Your voice, your face, your deep blue eyes, your beautifully messed up way of speaking a language that was not your own. And you just wanted to keep talking, and I just wanted to keep listening to you.
We intertwined fingers, and looked at each other for what seemed like hours. I felt my heart was going to explode the whole time.
I spent the rest of the flight fighting the urge to kiss you. I did convince myself it was wrong, and I did hold back on the need.
You told me how much you wanted me, and I told you how badly I wanted you.
But in the end, you are a good person, and so am I. And we both agreed not to change that.
I love you the way you are. I couldn't bring myself to change you, to make into a different kind of person.
After we landed and parted ways with the most painful hug I had ever experienced, the pain just kept growing on me.
Now I feel the deepest sadness for letting you go. The darkest guilt for wanted so badly to cheat on my spouse. And the biggest regret for not having given in myself entirely to you.
I feel a better person and the biggest idiot at the same time for that.
I wish you would find me and tell me you love me. I wish I would dare do the same.
I wish I could get over you without hesitation. And I hope you can do the same.
I wish to leave my life behind and run away with you. But I also wish I didn't feel this need so deeply.
I hope you fell in love with me as much as I did with you, but I also hope you didn't, so you don't have to suffer as much as I am suffering now.
I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore.
You changed my life completely. You made me a broken person. But I am so deeply thankful for having met you.
I wish you all the best things in life, and all the happiness in the world.
I love you, my beautiful stranger. Even when I shouldn't.
Je suis un ours.
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self.offmychest
|
I am not any good at this, but it always helps when I write my thoughts on a paper [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Some thoughts on my life I have a lot that I want to get off my chest, and don't really know who to talk to so here I am. I'm a 22 year old male in college and I really feel like I just don't belong. Not just here, but anywhere really. I mean, there are some people who I would call friends, but no one that I feel extremely close with. Even friends who I have been close to in the past don't really excite me anymore. It's gotten to the point where I get anxious over having to see anyone because I just assume that they won't like me.
The only times that I think I have really been happy are when I have been in relationships, but due to the above sentiments, I have a pretty tough time connecting with girls to the point where they are interested in me. On top of that, I don't really have much of a social life, and I don't really know how to overcome that hurdle when it comes to starting a relationship. I'm not particularly ugly and I'm in pretty decent shape, but I just don't really know how to talk to people I guess.
Whenever I meet new people I have no idea what to say. Small talk is an almost foreign concept to me, and even when I do muster up a question or two, I never know how to continue. My conversations invariably end in an awkward silence and me wishing that I had just kept it to myself. I think part of my problem is that I don't really have any passion for anything in particular. Especially not the things that most other people my age do (drinking, partying, raving, etc.). Honestly I wish I enjoyed these things so that I could connect with people better, and maybe I would if I had a close group of friends to do them with, but something about me just feels different, I don't know. Most of my days are spent just passing the time online, not because I love it, but because it's something to do.
Lately I've been trying a lot of new things to try to boost myself up. I've been exercising frequently, focusing more on school, meditating, cooking, and even tried yoga. I think these activities have helped me to feel better about myself as a person, but they are all pretty solitary so they haven't helped me to find friends. Maybe I'm just a bit of a loner, but I can tell that I would be a lot happier with even just one or two close relationships. I have also been seeking therapy, and we have started talking about some of this, but I can already tell it's going to be a long process, I am resistant to fully revealing myself even though I don't want to be.
I don't know what I'm looking for here. I guess I mostly just wanted an outlet. But if anyone else has had feelings like this and wants to share, it would be nice to hear that there's others out there like me.
|
self.depression
|
Advice from people who were able to make it through a tough day Hi. Hoping someone could give me some pointers they have done to keep themselves from falling off the edge.
I have found if I can get through two or three very rough days I am fine till the next bout.
I’m on medication - so that is covered but would really appreciate hearing what people do to help them through dark days.
|
self.depression
|
Saw a post about taking medical leave Can I keep my job if I explain I need time off for bipolar-related issues? I'm having a symptom I don't want and probably should stay indoors. Is there another option? I don't think residential treatment will work (when my environment/routine changes drastically, I become episodic, which turns into "Fuck Authority" pretty quickly).
Where do I draw the line?
Can I work? Or is it possible it's really too difficult?
Should I back away? I sense danger.
I want to hideout.
I could take off, pick up snacks, I don't have camping equipment but car-camping safer anyways.
I could bring blankets and music and candy. Some of my old CDs.
My emotions don't scare me as much when they're with music sometimes.
I could feel something good.
But what if my mood tanks while I'm out there in nowhere, and nobody has time to save me from myself?
And why do I always need saving?
|
self.bipolar
|
What's a safe anxiety medication though helpful in giving energy plus keeping you calm?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I am suicidal. In August 2011, I was driving with my mother from our flat in northern England to move to a villa in southern Spain. An hour after we drove off the ferry in Dunkirk, we had a head on collision with a van doing 70mph. Ever since that event, I've been having recurring nightmares. I've also been suffering from severe anxiety, not just over cars, but over everything. This lead to severe depression. In June 2015 I tried to kill myself and ended up in hospital for almost a week. I've been thinking about ending my life a lot since then. The thought won't leave my head. I have a wonderful life, but I still can't get over the feeling that I want to end my life.
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self.offmychest
|
Negative thoughts that I can't vocalize Anytime I try to vocalize my negative thoughts, they don't make sense. I can't make a full sentence out of them or convey those thoughts into a sentence. So basically, the thoughts aren't true, they just seem negative in my head.
But then I get frustrated because I can't speak and idk what the fuck is going on.
|
self.depression
|
Been thinking about it more and more. I posted recently about my relationship situation and how that has led me to a deep depression. I've thought about suicide in the past but never seriously. I've always felt that I don't want to leave the people I care about with my pain. I'm starting to feel differently. I'm starting to feel comfortable with being gone. With just not being a hassle to everyone and everyone not being too deal with my "shit." I've turned to the bottle for the last several years. It makes me forget what is going on and makes me forget what I'm feeling. But now I feel that I'm making others deal with things that they do not need to. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm lost, confused, and most frighteningly comfortable with being gone.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Shame: thoughts on letting your family love you when you can't [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Please tell me it can get better Please tell me I can fix this. I can genuinely smile again one day. I can feel things and even get excited about things like I did as a kid. I can wake up focused and motivated for the day instead of wishing I had died in my sleep. I can enjoy being around and talking to people. I can be the person I want to be deep down.
It's Christmas Eve. I've spent all day trying to get into the spirit for tomorrow. I just gave my gf a couple early presents. She loved them. I still feel nothing.
If 2018 is going to be more of the same... I'm done.
|
self.depression
|
Somehow I still feel lonely. Several years ago I knew exactly why I felt lonely. It was because I was alone. Simple right? My last friend had gotten sick of me and we stopped talking. I can't really blame him, I was depressed as hell, confused, desperate, and lashing out at everyone. But regardless of that, at that point I was utterly alone.
Now that has all changed. I'm doing much better and I have 3 close friends, and several less close ones. I'm happier and more motivated, if not actually happy and motivated. But one thing hasn't changed, I still feel like I'm alone. I don't know why.
I feel like it may be the fact I have trouble being emotionally vulnerable, but I don't really know for sure. Since it's undoubtedly tied up with depression, I thought I'd ask the subreddit if you guys had been through anything similar. If so do you have any insight/advice?
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self.depression
|
Vegan Parents I'm sick of vegan parents acting like their young child is just some enlightened being and they hate treats and candy and only like avocados.
No. Your kids don't know what it is or have barely been exposed to it. I watch a VLOG channel and the kids were not celebrating halloween because "they didn't want to." and " had a lollipop and that was quite enough" THEY DONT KNOW WHAT HALLOWEEN IS! THEY ONLY KNOW WHAT YOU TELL THEM.
Another one is when they make some awful looking mashed up beans, spinach and quinoa. "oh my little child that I RAISED this way is so good. they don't like pizza and cake, what good vegans they are"
I have no hate towards vegans raising their kids vegan. I don't expect them to fry up a steak for their kiddos, but stop acting like if given a realistic opportunity to get to know other things; that they'd want a mashed up bean pile.
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self.offmychest
|
I was sent fucked up shit I’m a mid teen gay guy (16) who tries to use the internet to meet people, but obviously I am too young to use grindr or any dating app. So I was suggested kik messenger by a friend, and searched up a public group of gay teens in my area.
All was good, I spoke to some guys online, and although as with anything I was sent stuff i shouldn’t have been sent (eg nudes from blank profiles) I was fine with blocking them and only speaking with the friends I had made online.
Now minutes before I write this, someone from one of the groups pm’d me. He said he was 15 and was quite attractive so I messaged him back. We spoke for a bit, nothing in any way sexual, just very cordial and polite. Then he asked me if I had any links. I assumed this mean someone I was linking but I wasn’t entirely sure, so I asked and he sent me an unmarked Dropbox link. It contained a lot of fucked up and illegal stuff. And of children much younger than both of us. I don’t want to give details but some of the stuff was so grotesque. I immediately told him he was fucked up, and reported him. I was given the option to delete the conversation but I didn’t want to delete the evidence. Then I looked up what I should do and found an email for abuse on Dropbox and sent them the link with a short paragraph from a throwaway email. I also left the group I was in.
And now I don’t know what to do. I’m not scarred or anything, just I feel gross that I’d even be considered to be being part of that fucked up culture. I have the guys name and face pic but I don’t even know if that’s actually him so I’d be reporting the wrong guy. And if it is him then I’ve ruined the life of the child who sent it to me. This is me venting and asking for advice, because I know if I did nothing I’d have a hard time sleeping.
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self.offmychest
|
I Don't Know What to Do I'm completely fucking up college- and I know that sounds trivial, but I expect a lot from myself education-wise and the feeling that it's slipping away from me is unbearable.
My attendance is 58% and I've been there for about 8 weeks. That means I've missed a month already. And I know that people call me lazy, or flippant, or dismissive- but it's not like I don't care. I genuinely could not be trying any harder (so telling me to just do it, as much as I wish it was, is not the answer). My teachers are angry because they just can't understand how hard it is. I don't want to go into it now but I was in a sexually/physically/emotionally abusive relationship for a year when I was 14 and two of my close relatives passed away earlier this year. I ache for them daily. I'm ruining everything and I honestly have no idea what to do.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Im moving out and i feel very nervous Im 30 years old and I have lived my whole life with my mother. Tomorrow I move out to my new house with my G/C and I feel very nervous. This feeling just started a few days ago the close the day was approaching and im not sure if its because of this new change in my life or because im not prepared and I dont know what do.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I can't win for losing. i know what that means.Anybody afraid of their work phone, make eye contact? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I dont hate anyone or anything I've got to the point where I've learnt that everyone is an individual with stories and character. I can't justify thinking shit about them because of it. I don't hate seeing happy people anymore, I don't hate every minute thing about how people carry themselves or do things anymore.
It's just complete apathy now, I don't even care enough about anything to hold a conversation and friends etc have wised up to how I just respond to most things with just "yeah". I know it sounds fucked up but the emptiness and lack of any feeling makes me sick and miss "depression".
Derealization, depression, and anxiety. Fuck you, I want me back. I'm 19 and I chain smoke and drink all the time for the pain. I've given myself till the end of summer. There's so much I want to experience in life, I just want to fucking die.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Any advice on getting out of a slump? I'm not sure if I am depressed or not, but I have been not going to class for the past two weeks due to social anxiety and being tired all of the time (have been sleeping more than usual too). I'm not sure if it was my break up that happened 2 months ago or if I just don't have any self esteem to power through the last 2 weeks of school. Any ideas on what I can do to "kickstart" or temporarily fix myself so I can get through dead week/finals week?
|
self.depression
|
Why are you depressed? I'm depressed because I'm attracted to women, but women aren't attracted to me even though I'm thinking non-stop about women and what I can do to improve myself, nothing works, I am ugly and I am a failure.
|
self.depression
|
Adderall is my only happiness. Im depressed. I was diagnosed with ADD in my early teens. I dont feel like my problem is ADD. I used to be happy. I had friends as a kid. Then life just got bad starting middle school. I got depressed. I hung out with bad influences. Dropped my good friends, and became an asshole to a lot of people. Im down to a couple friends now, meaning literally 2 friends. No girlfriend since my depression hit at age 14, Im 18 now.
Though I am prescribed it, I NEVER used adderall every day, because my problem I feel is the lack of motivation and just dullness of everyday tasks due to depression. Never got depression treatment. I take adderall to feel happy. Because 45 minutes after taking that little orange pill, I can honestly say that is pretty much the only time I feel happy with my life. And I hate it.
I dont know what to do. I know adderall ruined a lot of my life, and I need to get my life back and be happy again. I just dont know how.
|
self.depression
|
I am one of you and I want to share something with my kind that has helped I was bullied a lot in school for many years since a young age and it has left me with depression and anxiety into my adult life. This week I was reading an article from artofmanliness.com and this excerpt has changed my entire outlook of life. I can't thank god enough for sending me this. I hope it helps you too.
For obvious reasons, studies have shown that those with a “Not Me, Not Always, Not Everything” explanatory style are the most optimistic, while those with a “Me, Always, Everything” explanatory style are prone to pessimism and depression. Once MAE’s fail at something, they are susceptible to experiencing “learned helplessness” for a long time and across many areas of their life. The effect of your explanatory style not just on your resiliency but on your whole life cannot be overstated. Those with a pessimistic, “Me, Always, Everything” explanatory style are more prone to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and paralyzing inertia in the face of setbacks. Those with an optimistic, Not Me, Not Always, Not Everything style, on the other hand, experience improved health and happiness and significantly more success in the workplace, at school, and on the playing field.
18
resiliency
An Example of Explanatory Style Let’s examine one situation and see how a Me, Always, Everything man reacts compared to a Not Me, Not Always, Not Everything man.
Len gets fired from his job: • If Len tends to a Me, Always, Everything thinking style then he might explain this event by saying, “I’m such an incompetent accountant. I was always out of my league at the office (Me). I’ll never be able to find another good job. (Always). My wife is probably going to leave me now. Man, my life is so screwed up. (Everything).” • Now if Len has a Not Me, Not Always, Not Everything explanatory style, then he might explain this event by saying, “I got fired because there just isn’t very much work for me to do anymore, and the company is trying to be more efficient. (Not Me). The economy is really making holding a job difficult. But things will eventually turn around. (Not Always). The job wasn’t a good fit for me anyway; I really wasn’t using my true talents. At least I have a good wife at home to help me through this (Not Everything).”
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self.depression
|
Feeling Hopeless I'm 18 y/o and a senior in highschool and I feel like I alright f-ed up in life already. I don't have any real friends they more like aquinctances never had a girlfriend ( I was too nervous or clueless to get one) people already don't like me for supporting trump. To top everything off I don't even know what to do with my life after highschool. Sometimes I wish I could end it up and be done with life the only reason why I won't do is that I get the feeling I want better but don't really know what to do with myself. To anyone who reads what should I do cause I do with myself cuz I'm at a wall.
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self.depression
|
Everything happening around me has been taking a toll on my health. My immune system isn’t what it used to be and my mental health is deteriorating. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My mom had Alzheimer's for the last 15 years. She just died last week, and I'm kind of fucked up about it. Context: I'm in my mid 40s.
I'm not sleeping well, and I'm moody and irritable. Mildly so, but it's still weird. I've been grieving for 15 years, and she hasn't been in the real world at all for the past 10. For the last 7 years, she's been pretty much completely incapacitated.
Alzheimer's is hell. It was her worst nightmare.
I'm posting this just to help myself process all of it. The disease, the death, my mild depression. None of it is an emergency. I'm just a little bit numb in a way that doesn't feel right.
I'm OK for money, so this shouldn't matter - but I feel gut punched that I'm not in her will. Neither is my only sibling. She left everything to her husband, my step-dad. He's a great guy, deserves all the love and joy in the world. He's still my family, and always will be. It's not the estate that I'm worried about, and I don't have any hard feelings toward the living. But who cuts out their own kids without even a note to say "hi, I love you," or something? Gah.
I'm definitely taking notes for my own eventual death. I'm still learning life lessons from Mom.
She was a smart, precise, organized and loving woman. She liked little yappy dogs, decorating her home, fine clothes and terrible coffee. She loved her husband like crazy, and she kind of hated my dad. She was a good mom, if a little distant.
She estranged herself from her parents 30 years ago. 20 years ago, I forced her into the car with me to visit them. They reconciled that day, and were very close until they passed away 10 years ago. They never did experience Mom's Alzheimer's. That's a blessing.
I still don't know what to do. I guess I'll figure things out. I'm taking some time off work to just process this and take a ski vacation with my wife and son. It's something. I hope I'm not bad company.
Hug your parents. Hug your kids. Leave a note, at least, for those who survive you. Take care of yourself.
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self.offmychest
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Why is it so hard to talk to my SO about this? We've been together for over 10 years, we were best friends when I got diagnosed, they've been with me through my multitude of inpatient stays. He stood by my side and didn't judge me through both of my suicide attempts, stayed with me until the ambulance got there.
But when I'm in an episode, manic or depressed, I have so much trouble talking to him about it. I feel so ashamed, I don't like admitting that I need help, I really don't like admitting that something is wrong. Especially since lately whenever I'm hypomanic or manic he makes me feel like I'm doing it on purpose or I can just stop it if I wanted to.
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self.bipolar
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Keep the Hope Sometimes it takes a whole lot of waiting, to realize you should have already left. But the waiting, that’s the part that builds up a man as he treads lightly, trying not to burn the bridges he sees himself escaping across. Because it’s those days spent staring at a hair clasp that gets lost in her locks. Those days where the mind wanders, but time creeps ever so gently across that row of chairs.
You blink. And you’re back. So you turn your head and now you think you see.
It’s the face of an angel under the most stunning drawn-back eyes, and she looks like she knows what she’s doing. But you know better, you know no one really knows. Or at least you hope. A fork in the road still means opportunity to you. For failure. For success. For the feeling that at least you get to choose.
You reach a stop sign. Someone has tagged it with graffiti, and for the first time in years, you read a stop sign. Really read it. You start to wonder what other signs in your life you’ve been solemnly ignoring.
But a four-way stop doesn’t wait for philosophers.
Now you’re pretty sure. It’s that one with the eye-liner that makes her irises look like dark puddles of innocence. She holds her hands in her lap like they don’t belong anywhere else. She’s timid but her eyes rise and streaks of thunder clap with each blink.
She’s walking your way. Is this your chance? You exchange hellos and goodbyes in the same sentence. And there she goes.
Maybe that’s it. The old picture with curled edges. Frayed corners, because holding it in your hand means it’s more than a wisp of a memory. It’s back to the drawing board. She’s a stranger now. And old acquaintances only turn into strangers for those undeniable reasons. The ones that make you realize life doesn’t work like a piece of pulp fiction.
You wonder why that book hasn’t written itself yet. Then you realize you’ve got to live it first. Hemingway drank himself into a genius, but never sobered up enough to realize it. Time to set the bottle on its side, and breath in the life these escaping days have to offer.
You see it everyday in her smile, in her laugh, but most of all in those eyes. They’re waiting to feel the chill of excitement. Waiting, just like you, for their next chance to not know what’s coming next…
Part 2
This morning the wind kicked up, sent a current of cool air and iced over my ambivalence. There was fire in a place formerly occupied by a wilting sense of accomplishment. The drooping resignation in my lungs was exhaled, lost to a screaming atmosphere of dead air.
I waved goodbye and saw it in her eyes. It had always been there, lapping up on the edge of her eyelids, like some somber wave on a concrete pier. And if you can see hope in a set of fluttering eyes, I did.
I didn’t really know her, but her eyes hinted at a future I wanted to be a part of. Chances are, with the way this world tumbles us around, I never will be. That is fine. That’s ok. Our relationship will always be based on something inherently obscure and awkwardly intangible. Our time was undefined. Subtle and elusive. But often the best of relationships are made of a single chance encounter. A fleeting dance between two strangers. Just a glancing blow to the possibility of more.
I walk down city streets in a veritable maze of ambling bodies. They pass each other, shift their gaits, avert their eyes, and mumble excuse me. Don’t you wonder what would happen, if just once, you gave fate an open door. If you unabashedly disregarded social norm. If you stopped looking through people, and started looking at them. What would you find?
It sometimes seems that we’ve all become so sold on our complexity, our own unending uniqueness, that we lose touch with the depth of others. So quickly we judge, choose favorites, then turn away from what doesn’t appeal to us. It’s a process of narrowing that ultimately leaves us blind.
Today, I reintroduced myself to the idea of allowing others to be the interesting ones. All of them. Each with not just a unique story, but a unique way of living. An inner dialogue that is entirely their own, and one that I will never be able to intrude upon. It made people seem like people again, not just masses moving down sidewalks and hallways. Today I saw a familiar face for the first time in awhile, but felt like I really saw her for the first time ever.
And she caught me. Sent me spinning, and for a moment I wanted to turn away, to seek refuge in nonsocial solidarity. But then I found my footing, grabbed a patch of solid earth in her striking gaze. And a connection that was minute felt miraculous. She was interesting, and I didn’t care if I was.
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self.offmychest
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im actually going insane i cant take it anymore, loneliness is a fucking bitch. I'm left alone in my thoughts every fucking day, overthinking every bad memory in my life
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self.depression
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im going to commit suicide theres nohing for me to live for anymore,it all seems pointless,im just laying here listening to sade album on youtube,i have anough sleeping pills to just overdose,although her music is very relaxing,im 24 years old,i was thinking of just overdosing while listening to her music,and pass away(iv been seeing psychologists,psychairtrists and am on medication)
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self.depression
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Does meditation work!? I've been looking and researching into meditation to help with the my anxiety where do I start, does anyone have and guides on how to meditate or anything like that as I have no idea how to get started thanks a lot
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self.Anxiety
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Cannot talk to my parents, but am 18. What is the best way to go about getting on antidepressants? I gave up all the weed and alcohol that I was doing last semester, but it was the only thing that helped. I feel like I have no one at all. I ruin everything and every friendship i have. If I don't get on something that takes me away from this dark, dark room that's my head, I cannot last long. This is all too much. Is there anybody out there even reading this? Will anyone care?
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self.depression
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