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Ray. I hate Ian.
I hate him too. So I just call him "Mavis." Or "Sissyboy." Or "Mavis the Sissyboy."
This is where you're supposed to say that you haven't laughed this much in ages, and then you see the error of your ways.
You make me laugh much more than Ray does, if that's what you're getting at. But I already knew you could make me laugh. It's everything else I don't know about.
You make me laugh much more than Ray does, if that's what you're getting at. But I already knew you could make me laugh. It's everything else I don't know about.
You know I'm a good person.
You know I'm a good person.
Mmm hmm.
Mmm hmm.
You know that I can cook my ass off when I feel like it.
You know that I can cook my ass off when I feel like it.
Oh ho, so very infrequently.
Don't forget your CDs.
Those aren't mine.
Those aren't mine.
Sure they are.
Sure they are.
They're not really, though, are they? I know you bought them for me, and that was really sweet of you, but that was when you were trying to turn me into you. I can't take them, I know they'd just sit around staring at me, and I'd feel embarrassed by them and... they don't fit in with the rest of what's mine, do you understand? That Sting record you bought for me... that was a present for me. I like Sting and you hate him. But the rest of this stuff... Who the hell is Nick Lowe? Or Gram Parsons? Or the Boredoms? I don't know these people. I...
They're not really, though, are they? I know you bought them for me, and that was really sweet of you, but that was when you were trying to turn me into you. I can't take them, I know they'd just sit around staring at me, and I'd feel embarrassed by them and... they don't fit in with the rest of what's mine, do you understand? That Sting record you bought for me... that was a present for me. I like Sting and you hate him. But the rest of this stuff... Who the hell is Nick Lowe? Or Gram Parsons? Or the Boredoms? I don't know these people. I...
Okay, okay. I get the picture.
Okay, okay. I get the picture.
I'm sorry to go on about it. But, I don't know, there's a lesson here somewhere, and I want to make sure you get it.
I'm sorry to go on about it. But, I don't know, there's a lesson here somewhere, and I want to make sure you get it.
I got it. You like Sting but you don't like Gram Parsons, because you've never heard of him.
I got it. You like Sting but you don't like Gram Parsons, because you've never heard of him.
You're being deliberately obtuse.
You're being deliberately obtuse.
I guess I am.
I guess I am.
Well, think about it.
When are you going back?
I don't know. Sometime. Later. Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me?
I don't know. Sometime. Later. Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me?
What?
What?
I want to feel something else than this. It's either that or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.
I want to feel something else than this. It's either that or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.
I've only got a couple left. I'm saving them for later.
I've only got a couple left. I'm saving them for later.
It'll have to be sex, then.
C'mon. I want to know.
Want to know what, exactly?
Want to know what, exactly?
What it was like.
What it was like.
It was like sex. What else could it be like?
It was like sex. What else could it be like?
Was it like good sex or was it like bad sex?
Was it like good sex or was it like bad sex?
What's the difference?
What's the difference?
You know the difference.
You know the difference.
Look, we're okay now. We just had a nice time. Let's leave it at that.
Look, we're okay now. We just had a nice time. Let's leave it at that.
Okay, that's cool, okay. But the nice time we just had... was it nicer, as nice, or less nice than the nice times you were having a couple of weeks ago?
Look, Rob. If great sex was as important as you think it is, and if I was having great sex with him, then we wouldn't be lying here now. And that is my last word on the subject, okay?
Okay.
What are you going to talk to me about?
I'm going to talk to you about whether you want to get married or not. To me.
I'm going to talk to you about whether you want to get married or not. To me.
Ha ha ha. Hoo hoo hoo.
Ha ha ha. Hoo hoo hoo.
I mean it.
I mean it.
I know.
I know.
Oh, well thanks a fucking bunch.
Oh, well thanks a fucking bunch.
I'm sorry. But two days ago you were in love with that girl who interviewed you for The Reader, weren't you?
I'm sorry. But two days ago you were in love with that girl who interviewed you for The Reader, weren't you?
Not in love, exactly, but...
Not in love, exactly, but...
Well forgive me if I don't think of you as the world's safest bet.
Well forgive me if I don't think of you as the world's safest bet.
Would you marry me if I was?
Would you marry me if I was?
No. Probably not.
No. Probably not.
Right. Okay, then. Shall we go?
Right. Okay, then. Shall we go?
Don't sulk. What brought all this on?
Don't sulk. What brought all this on?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Very persuasive.
Very persuasive.
Are you persuadable?
Are you persuadable?
No. I don't think so. I'm just curious about how one goes from making tapes for one person to marriage proposals to another in two days. Fair enough?
No. I don't think so. I'm just curious about how one goes from making tapes for one person to marriage proposals to another in two days. Fair enough?
Fair enough.
Fair enough.
So?
So?
I'm just sick of thinking about it all the time.
I'm just sick of thinking about it all the time.
About what?
About what?
This stuff. Love and marriage. I want to think about something else.
This stuff. Love and marriage. I want to think about something else.
I've changed my mind. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. I do. I will.
I've changed my mind. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. I do. I will.
Shut up. I'm only trying to explain.
Shut up. I'm only trying to explain.
I mean, maybe you're right. But were you really expecting me to say yes?
I mean, maybe you're right. But were you really expecting me to say yes?
I dunno. Didn't think about it, really. It was the asking that was the important thing.
I dunno. Didn't think about it, really. It was the asking that was the important thing.
Well, you've asked.
I'm an idiot. I should have played the record first. This place is about to get burned down.
It's gonna be fine. These people are ready for anything.
Rob here.
Hey. It's Liz.
Hey. It's Liz.
What's happenin'.
What's happenin'.
You called this morning?
You called this morning?
Yeah. I just wanted to thank you for that message last night. It made me feel like... like less of an asshole.
Yeah. I just wanted to thank you for that message last night. It made me feel like... like less of an asshole.
How're you holding up?
How're you holding up?
Actually, I'm fine. I'm great. Last night I got to thinking, "you know what? Maybe it is time to move on. Maybe we're just not right for each other. Or maybe we are. But time will tell and at this point I'm going to be fine with whatever's meant to be." You know?
Actually, I'm fine. I'm great. Last night I got to thinking, "you know what? Maybe it is time to move on. Maybe we're just not right for each other. Or maybe we are. But time will tell and at this point I'm going to be fine with whatever's meant to be." You know?
Yeah. Like I said, I don't want to take sides. And I like Laura with you. She's more fun, more open. You guys are good together. I just wish you two could, I don't know. I don't think much of this Ian guy --
Enough, Liz.
Enough of what?
Enough of what?
I know I can't speak now because Laura's father died, and I just have to take it because otherwise I'm a bad guy, with the emphasis on guy, self-centered. Well, I'm fucking not, not all the time, anyway, I'm really sorry Jo. But you know, Liz... I can either stick up for myself or believe everything you say about me and end up hating myself. And maybe you think I should, but it's not much of a life, you know?
I know I can't speak now because Laura's father died, and I just have to take it because otherwise I'm a bad guy, with the emphasis on guy, self-centered. Well, I'm fucking not, not all the time, anyway, I'm really sorry Jo. But you know, Liz... I can either stick up for myself or believe everything you say about me and end up hating myself. And maybe you think I should, but it's not much of a life, you know?
Maybe I've been a little unfair. But is this really the time?
Maybe I've been a little unfair. But is this really the time?
Only because it's never the time. I can't go on apologizing my whole life, you know?
Only because it's never the time. I can't go on apologizing my whole life, you know?
If by "we" you are referring to men, then I have to say that just the once would do.
Books, records, films -- these things matter. Call me shallow but it's the damn truth, and by this measure I was having one of the best dates of my life.
Yeah, but you know what's his best film and nobody's even seen it?
Yeah, but you know what's his best film and nobody's even seen it?
The Conformist.
The Conformist.
Exactly! Fucking ex-actly!
Exactly! Fucking ex-actly!
You haven't even seen it!
You haven't even seen it!
Nor have you!
Hello? Anybody there?
I'm all right, if that's what's upsetting you.
I'm all right, if that's what's upsetting you.
You know that's not what's upsetting me.
You know that's not what's upsetting me.
Well it fucking should be, shouldn't it?
Well it fucking should be, shouldn't it?
I knew this would happen. What are you going to do Rob?
I knew this would happen. What are you going to do Rob?
I'm going to drink this bottle of wine watch TV and go to bed. Then tomorrow I'll get up and go to work.
I'm going to drink this bottle of wine watch TV and go to bed. Then tomorrow I'll get up and go to work.
And after that?
And after that?
Meet a nice girl and have children. I promise the next time we talk I'll have it all sorted out.
Meet a nice girl and have children. I promise the next time we talk I'll have it all sorted out.
I knew this was going to happen.
I knew this was going to happen.
Then what are you getting so upset about?
Then what are you getting so upset about?
What did Laura say? Do you know why she left?
What did Laura say? Do you know why she left?
It's got nothing to do with marriage, if that's what you're getting at.
It's got nothing to do with marriage, if that's what you're getting at.
So you say. I'd like to hear her side of it.
So you say. I'd like to hear her side of it.
Mom! For the last fucking time, I'm telling you Laura didn't want to get married! She is not that kind of girl! To use a phrase. That's not what happens now.
Mom! For the last fucking time, I'm telling you Laura didn't want to get married! She is not that kind of girl! To use a phrase. That's not what happens now.
Well I don't know what happens now, apart from you meet someone, you move in, she goes. You meet someone, you move in, she goes.
Jesus Christ.
You'll be safe here. He won't kill in a church.
You'll be safe here. He won't kill in a church.
Why not?
Why not?
Tradition.
Tradition.
What the hell is going on?
What are you going to tell them? That you're protecting a man who's killed four people?
Four?
Four?
All fashionably without heads.
All fashionably without heads.
Spare me the details.
Spare me the details.
But there's more. Wednesday someone played javelin with the cemetary curator in Felton, Delaware. Some locals spotted two cars with D.C. plates and surprise surprise, they turn out to be registered to our own Brenna Cartwright and the ever popular Richard Taupin.
But there's more. Wednesday someone played javelin with the cemetary curator in Felton, Delaware. Some locals spotted two cars with D.C. plates and surprise surprise, they turn out to be registered to our own Brenna Cartwright and the ever popular Richard Taupin.
What are you getting at, Moran?
What are you getting at, Moran?
You've been a busy little beaver. Especially with that records mess up in Church Hill. Your notes are very complete. Naturally my feelings were crushed when you didn't rush right over and tell us what you knew. In fact, we're considering book- ing the ambulence chaser as an accessory to murder.
You've been a busy little beaver. Especially with that records mess up in Church Hill. Your notes are very complete. Naturally my feelings were crushed when you didn't rush right over and tell us what you knew. In fact, we're considering book- ing the ambulence chaser as an accessory to murder.
It'll never stick.
It'll never stick.
But we might just give it the 'ole college try. What with the court back ups, it could be days before you got an arraignment. But then, I'm sure the flunk-out neice of the D.A. knows all about that.
But we might just give it the 'ole college try. What with the court back ups, it could be days before you got an arraignment. But then, I'm sure the flunk-out neice of the D.A. knows all about that.
You're an asshole, Moran.