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of you to blame me in the affair you are as much a villain as he exclaimed my father fiercely both both bent on the ruin of a pretty frail child too weak to resist your cruelty fine sport truly i do not know which is the worst of the two i stopped in my walk and faced him are we to quarrel sir i demanded yes we are to quarrel he retorted hotly there is something in my blood that rises at you that at you though you are my son i do not excuse l i do not excuse i do not say you could have married one who by her own confession was but i do say and swear that in spite of all you could have yourself like an honest lad and not like a devil who set you lip as a judge of justice or morality what man is there in the world with such clean hands that he dare presume to condemn the meanest creature living i tell you plainly that after your conduct of to day the same house cannot hold you and me together in peace there is nothing for it but that we must part as you please i answered coldly but you will allow me to remark that it is very curious and unreasonable of you to find such fault with me for publicly refusing to marry one who was certainly not fit to be your daughter or to the house where my mother died don t talk of your mother and such a sudden fury lighted his eyes that i involuntarily she would have been the first to condemn your behaviour as cruel and unnatural she had pity tenderness and patience for every suffering thing she was an angel of grace and charity you cannot have much of her nature and truly you seem now to have little of mine some strange demon seems to your frame and the generous warm hearted young fellow i knew as my son might be dead for aught i recognize of him in you i do not condemn you for refusing to marry de i condemn you for the manner of your refusal enough i repeat we must part and the sooner the better i could not bear to meet the friends we know in your company and think of the you have displayed towards a fallen and utterly girl you had best leave paris and take a twelve month s in some other land than this i will place plenty of cash at your disposal it is impossible that you should stay on here after what has occurred mon a madman a a might be capable of such useless ferocity a man with all his senses about him it is the action of a beast rather than of a rational reasoning human being i made no reply the words a might be capable of such useless ferocity themselves over and over again in my ears and caused me to smile of course i might have gone on arguing the and of mj case ad from the ground of that particular sort of moral justice i had chosen to take my stand upon but i was not in the humour for it besides which my father was too indignant to be argued with arrived at our own house our man servant greeted us with a surprised face and the information that the m looking very was waiting in the library there is no marriage he questioned gazing at us open eyed none returned my father sharply is not well it is postponed oh famous old he would tell a lie thus to his own servant just to shield a woman s reputation a moment longer there are a good many men like him i used to be of a similar disposition till the fairy with the green eyes taught me more worldly wisdom i will see poor alone he said addressing me stiffly as retired his grief must be beyond expression and he can dispense with more than one witness of it i bowed and ascended the staircase leisurely to my own room once shut in there alone i was seized with an fit of laughter how absurd it all seemed what a triumph of pathos to think of all those fine birds of society to see a grand wedding and coming in for a great scandal instead and the pride of the de where was it now down in the dust down down like the lilies of france never to bloom white and again what a terrified fool the old count had looked when i made my formal and as for she was not she was a ghost a without feeling voice or voluntary movement all the life she had was in her eyes great blue eyes they haunted me like twin burning hung in a vault of darkness sitting in an arm chair at my window i looked out doing nothing but simply thinking and trying to the images that rose one aft r the other with such haste in my brain i wondered what my father and old were talking about below me yes no doubt they were shaking their grey heads mournfully over my strange smiling at the idea i shut my eyes and straightway saw a wealth of green and gold and flame waves of colour that seemed to rise towards me while faces far than mortal ones floated forth and smiled at me in wise approval of all that i had done opening my eyes again i gazed into the street the people passed hither and thither ran by with their human freight to and fro the soft young foliage | 33 |
am powerless in the matter i said coldly i am in a very peculiar position myself a position which neither you nor st seem at all to recognize i am a wronged man yet i receive not the slightest sympathy for my wrong all the compassion and anxiety being oddly enough bestowed on the of the injury done to me i confess therefore that i am not particularly interested in the present i looked straight at me and then suddenly approaching me laid her hand on my arm after all did you never love she asked at this question my blood rose to fever heat and i spoke scarcely knowing what i was saying love her i cried i loved her with such a passion as she never knew i her with a worship such as she never of she was everything to me life soul hope salvation and you ask me if i loved her oh foolish woman you cannot measure the love i had for her such love that once betrayed must and ever will turn to for its my father looked startled at this sudden outburst of on my part but did not her grey eyes shone upon me through the mist of tears as as stars such love is not love at all i she said it is selfishness no the injury done to appears all j ou have no thought no pity for the injury done to her the world is still open to you but on her it is shut for ever you may sin as she has without even the plea of an overwhelming passion to excuse you and society will not turn its back on you i but it will scorn her for the evil it in you and in all men such is humanity s scant justice if you had ever loved her truly you would have forgotten your own wrong in her misery you would have raised her up not crushed her down lower than she already was you would have saved her not destroyed her i warned you long ago that she was a creature of impulse too young and too inexperienced to be certain of her own mind in the of love or marriage but you paid no heed to my warning and now she is ruined desolate a mere child cast out on the cruel wilderness of paris all alone think of it think of it and take comfort in the thought that you have had your miserable revenge to the end of man s cowardice every word fell from her lips with a quiet that stung me in spite of my enforced calm but i restrained myself and when she had finished speaking i simply bowed and smiled your brave and eloquent words make me regret that i was so unwise as to love your cousin instead of yourself it was a serious mistake for both of us perhaps she drew back the colour flushing proudly to her cheeks and her look of indignation surprise reproach and anguish dazzled and confounded me for an instant what chance arrow had sped to its mark now i wondered vaguely i had nigh insulted her by my remark and yet grief expressed itself in her eyes more than anger had she ever cared for me not possible she had always me and now she hated me with supreme disdain she turned from me to my father i must go home now she said quietly and with dignity i have come here on a useless errand i see i will you take me to the carriage it is in waiting my uncle does not yet know of s flight we are afraid to tell him and we thought my aunt and i that perhaps you might help us to some clue she hesitated and nearly broke down again my dear girl returned my father hastily offering her his arm in obedience to her mute sign be certain that if i hear the slightest rumour that may lead you on the track you shall know it at once i will make every possible private inquiry alas alas what an unfortunate day it was for body when that nephew of my poor old friend came to paris who would have thought it is broken hearted he would as soon have believed in an angel turning traitor as that his favourite would have been guilty of such deception and cruelty but whatever his grief i know he will assist us in the search for that you may be sure of try try to take comfort my dear you must not give way there is always the hope that the poor child may be terrified at her sudden loneliness and may write to you and tell you w here she is thus talking he led her out of the room she passed me without acknowledging my presence by the slightest gesture of farewell and i waited sitting ne r the table and turning over the newspapers till i heard the carriage drive away and my father s returning steps echoed slowly along the hall he entered the room sat down and was silent for many minutes i felt that he was looking at me intently presently he said with some sir are you satisfied with the evil you have done i smiled mon you talk as if i were the only criminal in the matter i there are others and they are punished he declared punished more bitterly than most people are for their and the heaviest punishment has fallen on the thanks to you as for you may depend upon it he is a prey to the deepest remorse and misery you think so i languidly without raising my eyes now | 33 |
i could not quite imagine what he would be likely to say he could not excuse his daughter or her partner in he might pour out his wrath upon me for making the affair public to all his friends and acquaintance but that would be the utmost he could do i determined to hear him out w ith the utmost patience and courtesy my quarrel was not with him he had never given me offence save by his stupid tendencies and and it was quite enough for me a nineteenth century republican to have lowered his pride and broken it i wanted nothing more so far as he was concerned before starting on my errand i packed a few clothes and other necessaries in my ready for immediate departure from home and this done i went in search of my father he was just preparing to leave the house for his usual duties at the bank and he looked and wearied he lifted his eyes and regarded me steadily as i approached him his lips quivered and suddenly laying his hand on my shoulder he said it goes to my old heart to part with you for i love you but something has and crossed our once sweet and generous nature and though i have thought about it anxiously all night i have still come to the same conclusion namely that it will be best for us both that we should separate for a time especially under the unhappy circumstances that have just taken place the whole position is too painful for ever body concerned and i am quite ready to admit that the suffering you have personally undergone has been and is of a nature to and your feelings change of scene and different surroundings will do much for you mon and this miserable will possibly die out during your absence choose your own time for going i have chosen it i interrupted him r i shall leave you to day an expression of sharp pain contracted his fine old features for a moment then his self possession he returned it is perhaps best you will find a note from me in your desk in the library i have thought it wisest to give you at once a round sum sufficient for present needs your share in the bank as my partner naturally continues and shall be set aside for your use on your return i do not know whether you have any idea of a destination i should suggest your visiting england for a time i smiled thanks i am too truly french in my sympathies to care for the british climate no if like a new i am to be a vagabond on the face of the earth i will wander as far as my fancy takes me africa par presents boundless forests where if one chose one could almost lose one s very identity my father s eyes flashed a keen and sorrowful reproach into mine mon why speak so bitterly is it necessary to add an extra pang to my grief a sudden impulse moved me to softer emotion taking his hand i kissed it respectfully mon i regret beyond all words that i am unhappily the cause of any distress to you we part and it is no doubt advisable as you say that we should do so for a time but in bidding you farewell i will ask you to think of me at my best and to believe that there is no man in all the world whom i admire and honour more than yourself sentiment between men is ridiculous i know but i kissed his hand once more and i felt his fingers tremble as they clung for a moment to mine god bless thee he murmured and stay let me have time to think again do not leave paris yet wait till to morrow i made a half sign of assent but uttered no promise and watched him with a curious forsaken feeling as with a kindly yet wistful last look at me he left the house and walked rapidly along on his usual way to business should i ever dwell with him again in the old frank familiarity of intercourse that had made us more like comrades than father and son i doubted it my life was changed my road lay down a dark side turning his continued fair and open with the full sunshine of honour lighting it to the end entering the library i looked in my desk for the packet my father had mentioned and found it a envelope containing french notes to the amount of what would be about five hundred pounds in english money i took possession of these and then wrote a note to my father thanking him for his generosity and bidding him farewell while to satisfy him s to my destination i added that it was my immediate intention to visit italy a lie of course i had such intention i never meant to leave paris but of this hereafter i then finished my packing and other preparations and went out of the dear old house at with scarce a regret not as i realized that i should never never enter it again a passing carriage i bade the driver take me to the de our man servant who put my into the vehicle and watched my departure more or less curiously heard me give this order which was precisely what i wanted i knew he would repeat it to my father who by this means would the impression that i had carried out my written intention and departed for italy by the and route to arrived at the i put my in charge of the official to whom such baggage is consigned | 33 |
the which no one saw and society never vice that does not publicly offend was the sinner little child like blue eyed and i took a sort of grim and awful pleasure in regarding her as a why because she had a sweet face a slim form and a bright smile should she escape from the results of her own treachery and crime i could not see it then and i cannot see it even now no one can make me responsible for the old count s death no one i say though at times his white still majestic face me in the darkness with a speechless reproach and challenge but i know it is only a and i quickly take refuge in the truth as declared by the fashionable world of paris when his death became generally known namely that his c s not ray of it observe had broken his heart and that even so broken hearted for her sake he died from this period i may begin to date my rapid downward career a career that however and strange it may seem to those who elect to be virtuous and self controlled has brought to me personally the wildest and most varieties of pleasure pleasure such as a forest savage may know when the absolute freedom of air and water is his when no laws bind him and when he has no one to whom he is bound to account for his actions i hate your civilization good world i would rather be what i am than play the double part your rules of life i am an alien from all respectability what then respectability is generally dull and i am never dull my witch takes care of that her of vision is and though of late she has shown me the same sights somewhat too often i am perchance the most to blame for this the of my own brain holding fast to certain images that it would be best to forget this is the fault of my constitution a tendency to remember i cannot forget if i would and whereas on some the oblivion on mine it and memory nevertheless the feverish of pleasure never dies out and my disposition is such that i am able to brood on things that would most men with the keenest and most delight it is not perhaps agreeable is it to and right minded people to dwell on the details of a murder for instance to me however it is not only agreeable but absolutely fascinating and have merely to shut my eyes to see what water glimmering in the moonlight trees waving in the wind and a face to the quiet skies drifting steadily and helplessly down stream but stop i must not brood too tenderly upon this picture yet but it is difficult to me sometimes to keep my thoughts in no can be always it is too much to expect of the green fairy s well the de was dead and as whole fortnight had elapsed since his funeral had wound its solemn black length through the streets of paris to la chaise where the family vault had opened its stone jaws to receive the mortal remains of him who was the last male heir of his race his great house was shut up as a house of mourning the and her niece dwelt there together so i learned in melancholy solitude denying themselves to all visitors under any other circumstances they would most probably have left the city and sought in change of scene a from grief but i knew why they remained in their desolate town mansion simply in the hope that now having nothing to fear from the wrath of her father the lost might return to her home and i i also was still in paris as i said before i had never for a moment intended to leave it i had formed certain plans of my own respecting the wild new mode of life i to follow and these plans i was able to carry out with entire success i took a small apartment in an obscure hotel under an assumed name and in my daily and nightly i carefully kept to the back streets partly to avoid a chance meeting with any of my acquaintance and partly under the impression that in one of these poorer quarters of paris i should i had no idea what i should do if i really did happen to discover her whereabouts part of the quality of one in my condition of is that he cannot absolutely decide anything too long beforehand when the time for decision comes he acts as suddenly as a wild beast springs on impulse needless to add that the impulse is always more or less evil a fortnight is not a long time is it save to children and parted lovers yet it had me to make deadly progress in my self chosen method of enjoying existence so much so in fact that nothing in the world seemed to me of real importance provided never failed i think at this particular juncture that if any one possessing the power to deny me the full of the which was now as necessary to me as the blood in my veins had denied it i should have killed him on the spot without a moment s i but fortunately is everywhere in paris it is not a costly either and i soon became familiar with the different haunts where the most potent forms of it were it must of course be understood by the inquisitive reader that the effects of this divine cordial are different on different on the stupid brain it can only render the more complete | 33 |
the chinese for example gets no dreams out of his his own mind being too slow and for the creation of any sort of vision but put a quick frenchman or italian in an oriental den and the poison will for him a crowd of phantom images horrible or beautiful according to the tendency of his thoughts so with only that from in this respect namely that it has not only one but three distinct of action imagine for the sake of the brain to be a musical instrument well strung and in perfect tune first the power then one by one the and finally completely the very nature of the sounds music can still be drawn from it but it is a different music to what it was capable of on the active brain its effect is to the activity to while it through new and extraordinary channels of thought on a slow brain it whatever feeble glimmer of intelligence previously existed there the result in such a case being frequently but what does this matter its charm is irresistible for both wit and fool and in this age when to follow our own immediate de is the only accepted gospel the gospel of paris at least if of no other city is to many as to me the chief necessity of life because however uncertain in its other phases it may prove it can be absolutely relied upon to kill conscience i lived on from day to day in my hidden retirement perfectly contented with my lot and doing nothing whatever but wander about the of the city looking for yet i could not have told any one why i looked for her i did not want her nevertheless reason or no reason the impulse of search continued and every woman of youthful and shrinking appearance i met came in for my close and c scrutiny once or twice m my lonely walks i saw st in deepest black and closely veiled and i guessed by the character of the places in which i encountered her that she also was seeking for tlie lost one she never saw me for i always away in swift of any possible glance of recognition from her beautiful eyes and as i have stated a fortnight had elapsed when one evening an irresistible yearning came over me to take a stroll in the direction of to pass the old house of my other days to look up at the windows on the chance of seeing merely the shadow of my father s figure hy the on the drawn blind he thought me far away by this time and was no doubt surprised and irritated at receiving no letters from me i wondered if he were solitary if he regretted the loss of my companionship yielding to my fancy i started on the well known route which i had up till now carefully avoided i stopped now and then to re my forces with the fire that i fully believed was the only thing that kept me alive but once i had passed all the where the best form of that was i continued my road steadily and without interruption along the it was a fine night the trees were in full foliage a few stray birds among the branches and under the light of the soft moon many an couple wandered to and fro in each other s society and telling each other the same old lies of love and perpetual constancy that all wise men laugh at i walked slowly following as i always followed the flickering rays of green that trembled on my path to night they took the shape of thin arrows that pointed forward ever forward and straight on i at last and a few minutes more brought me to the house i had so lately known as home all the windows were empty of light save that of the library and here the blind was only half down so that i was able to see my father through it busily writing his table was strewn with papers he looked fatigued and and for one brief second my heart smote me troublesome conscience was not quite dead yonder old man s fine placid yet weary face roused in me a struggling passion of regret and remorse it was a mere flash of pain it soon passed i pressed my hand heavily over my eyes to still their burning ache and turning from the house i looked down on the dark pavement at my feet there were those little flickering green shafts of light pointing ahead as before and careless as to where i went i continued to follow in their lead so i walked on and on surrounded as i went by strange sights and sounds to which i had now grown almost accustomed and which even at their worst brought me much weird and fantastic delight to a great extent my sensations though purely imaginary seemed real nothing could have been more substantial in appearance than the faces and forms that hovered about me it was only when i strove to touch them that things vanished but the odd part of it was that i could feel them touching me kisses were pressed on my lips soft arms embraced me the very breath of these seemed at times to lift and fan my hair and more real than the faces and forms were the voices i heard these never left me alone they sang they talked they whispered of things strange and terrible things that might have turned the blood cold in the veins of an honest man only that i was no longer honest i knew that i was neither honest to mj self nor in my feelings | 33 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exclaimed nothing you are too late you talk of what is possible now you had it in your power to make amends you could at least have married the girl whose mind you and whose life ou wronged but no you into the refuge of the like a beaten cur you proved yourself a and coward i and like a fool and as you were trusted to my generosity to cover your crime as well trust a tiger not to tear what did you take me for a church saint have i ever played that part have i ever pretended to be more than man x told you once that i i would never forgive even the friend who dared to deceive do you think my words were mere listen i de confessed her shame to me in secret i proclaimed it in public i do not love i set no value on jewels i rejected her mark you that holy servant of the church as you are i rejected her on the very day appointed for our marriage in presence of all those fine birds of fashion that came to see us wedded ah it was a rare vengeance and sweeter to me than any fortune or fame what now is there something unusual in my aspect to so arouse your pious wonder you stare at me as if you saw a dead man in his grave his eyes flashed forth a fierce and unutterable scorn i see worse than that he answered passionately i see oh god i see what i never imagined i should see a villain than myself he paused his breath coming and going rapidly then with a wild gesture he cried out as though suddenly of my presence oh my little love my angel lost ruined and deserted oh the yearning tenderness in his voice set a strange new throbbing in my blood and drawing a stealthy step or two nearer i studied his face as i would have studied some rare or curious picture he glanced at me where i stood and a strange smile curved his lips why do you not kill me he said with an inviting gesture i should be glad to die i made no immediate answer did i not kill him it was a foolish question and it in my ears with foolish to escape from it i forced m t self into a side issue of the argument did you become a priest vi asked he sighed because i was compelled he wearily of course you will not believe me but you do not understand and it would take too long to explain i could not help myself circumstance is of ten stronger than will i strove against it all in vain you are right enough when you speak of church tyranny the church is a tyrant none more absolute or more lacking in christian charity its velvet glove covers a merciless hand of iron once made a priest i was sent on to rome and there under pretence of special favour and protection i was kept in close attendance on and prayed for news from home none ever reached me till tired of waiting i came away by and travelled straight to paris i only arrived to day and why are you i demanded indicating by a gesture the surrounding and rippling water why he sighed again and looked upward to the peaceful sky above him because here the heavens smiled upon the only happiness i ever knew i love the natural claim and of man this was bestowed upon me here here i won the tender of my blood a which usage would have me of i came here too because i dared not go elsewhere for though i was ignorant of all you have told me i avoided my uncle s house i know not why save that i felt i could not bear to enter it now i remained silent watching him here was our secret try sting place he went on here under these trees beloved for her sake has wandered with me her sweet eyes speaking what her lips were afraid to utter her little hand in mine her head resting on my heart here we two have tasted the joy that ufe can ever give or death take away y that you have never known beau va is no for my never loved you your touch never in her one throb of passion she loved me and me alone ay even if you had married her and if mj faults were ten thousand times greater than they are she would still love me faithfully to the end here was french reasoning with a vengeance thought i must have gone mad with fury as i saw the expression of serene triumph on that pale poet face fair as an in the radiance of the moon you boast of that said hoarsely you dare to boast of that he smiled even so i boast of that it is something to be proud of to have been loved truly once my hands clenched will you seek her out i asked i will when to morrow to night is not ended i muttered a little nearer to him still and trying to keep my thoughts steady in the tumult of hissing and whispering noises that in my brain and if you find her what then what then and with a reckless gesture of mingled defiance and passion he lifted his eyes once more to the observant stars why then it may be that i shall condemn my soul to hell for her sake i shall if the church | 33 |
is the voice of god but should it chance as i have thought that god is something infinitely more supreme any church more great more loving more tenderly wise and pitiful than can be im ag by his subject creature man i doubt not if this be true when i rescue and comfort the woman i have wronged as only love can comfort her when i kneel at her feet and ask her pardon for the evil i have wrought even thus shall i make m peace with heaven vile worse in my sight than ever for his pretence of piety quick as a lightning the suppressed ferocity of my soul broke forth and without warning or i threw myself savagely upon him best make peace with it no w i cried for by god it is your last chance for one panting second we stared into each other s eyes our faces almost touching our very then yielding to the natural impulse of self defence he closed with me and fought for life he was light and muscular and would have proved a powerful opponent to most men but his strength was as nothing to the force that possessed me the force of devils as it were brought into opposition against this one struggling existence wild voices sang shouted and in my ears kill kill kill him circles of fire swam before me and once as he back from my grasp and nearly fell i laughed aloud laughed as i sprang at him anew and shook him furiously to and fro as a wild beast shakes its prey closing with me again he managed to seize my arms in such wise that for the moment i was rendered powerless and once more his great dark eyes into mine are ou mad he gasped do you want to murder me as he spoke my rapid glance travelled upward to his neck which showed itself bare and white just above the close set band of his black habit i saw where i could win my fearful victory i made a pretence of falling beneath his hold and involuntarily his grasp relaxed in one breath of had myself free in another my two hands were closed fast on that smooth full tempting throat it hard as a vice of steel and the fair face above me grew dark and the flashing grey black eyes started from their still one desperate choking struggle more and he fell prone on the i falling upon him so that the deadly clutch of my fingers never relaxed for a second once down my task was easier my wrists had more power and i pressed all my weight upon the swelled and throbbing beneath my hands those eyes how they glared at me wide open and awfully would the cursed life in them never be die die muttered fiercely under my breath god that it should take so long to kill a man suddenly a great shudder shook the limbs over which i crouched brute like and watchful those veins beneath my fingers stopped the head fell further back the lips parted showing a glimmer of teeth within in the ghastly semblance of a smile and then then came silence silence horror what now what did it all mean what was this cold this dumb rigid staring thing was this death seized by a swift fear i sprang up i looked about me everywhere everywhere solitude only the whispering of trees and shining of only nature and that strange still figure on the grass with arms on either side like a christ without the cross what had i done i considered looking vaguely at my own hands the while no stain of blood was on them had i then killed him no no not possible he had i stepped close up to him i took his hand it was warm i said and the sound of my own voice startled my sense of hearing come get up do not lie there as if i had murdered you get up i tell you our quarrel is over we will fight no more silence the wide open eyes regarded me they were over with a strange a bird darted from one of the branches overhead and through the air the sound of its wings threw me into a cold perspiration and i fell on my knees shuddering through and through i crawled reluctantly up to that dark mass if he were dead if he were dead i thought in every limb why then i would shut those eyes my previous mad fury had given place to weak half terror i could scarcely summon up the courage to reach out my hands and let them above those pallid features that in all the agony of their last expression were already under my very gaze into a marble like i touched the eyelids i pressed them firmly down over the balls beneath so they could look at me no longer with a sigh of relief i crawled away again and once at arm s length from the corpse stood upright wondering what next i should do i had killed this seemed evident and yet i strove to represent to myself that it was not could not be so some inherent weakness of the heart s action might have done the deed it could not have been the mere grasp of my hands but after all had i not meant to kill him had not the idea slept in my brain for weeks without declaring itself and had it not become with me | 33 |
in the murmuring waters was far more gathered into the heart of things than i slowly and with an inexplicable reluctance i crept away through the trees like a terrified beast that some fierce afraid of both and shadows and still more afraid of the deep calm about me a calm that could almost be felt i stole out of the and set foot on the bridge a loose plank beneath my tread and the sound sent the blood up to my brow in a hot rush of pain and then then some impulse made me pause some deadly fascination seized me to lean my arms upon the bridge and look over and down into the river below the water heaved under me in a silvery white glitter and while i yet gazed downwards a dark mass drifted into view a heavy floating blackness out of which two glistening awful eyes stared at me and at the moon clutching at the edge of the i hung over it with beating heart and straining sight anon i broke into a fit of laughter whispered what are you there again not at rest yet sleep man sleep be satisfied with god now you have found him good night good night here my laughter suddenly spent itself in a fierce sobbing groan i shrank back from the trembling in every limb and like a sick man waking out of a sleep i suddenly realized that the tide seemed flowing towards paris not down to the sea well what then i dared not stop to think with a savage cry i covered my face and fled in furious panting haste and fear rushing along the silent road to the city with the reckless speed of an escaped madman and followed as it seemed by the sound of a whispered murder murder after me by the that pursued me closely as i ran bearing with it its awful witness to the black deed i had done for the next three or four days i lived in a sort of feverish delirium hovering hope and terror satisfaction and despair but by degrees i began to make scorn of my own cowardice for though i searched all the newspapers with i never saw the one thing i dreaded namely an account of the discovery of a priest s body in the and a suggestion as to his having come to his death by foul means another murder had been committed in paris just the day after i had killed and it was a particularly brilliant one quite dramatic in fact the mistress of a famous opera tenor had been found in her bed with her throat cut and the tenor a ladies favourite had been arrested for the crime in spite of his gracefully of sorrow and innocence this event was the talk of paris so that one corpse more or less found floating in the river would at such a time of superior excitement awaken very little if any interest for though the natural stupidity of the man is great that of the strictly official personage is even greater i allude to the chiefs of the police they are a very excellent class of and their intentions are no doubt admirably just and severe but they have too much routine too many little absurd of rule and etiquette out of which they can seldom be persuaded to move it follows therefore that the of crime having no specially designed routine and being generally totally lacking in etiquette very often get the best of it and that nine out of every ten remain it was so in my case it is so you may sure in many another mere formal rule must be done away with in the task of discovering a murderer there must be less writing of documents and tying of and of accounts and more instant and decisive action when for example a policeman on duty finds the body of a murdered and woman in a pool of blood on a and after much and reflection that might be useful in the murderer he would do well to get those at once and not wait till the next day when the scent will be more than difficult to pursue but i have no wish to complain of the respectable who sit in their offices carefully writing descriptive reports and evidence while the criminal they are in search of probably passes under their very windows with a triumphant grin and scornful snap of his fingers not at all on the contrary i am very much obliged to them for never taking any trouble about me and allowing me to through paris at perfect liberty for at the time i my victim i had no wish to be even known as a murderer circumstances would no doubt have been found sufficiently strong to save me from the but i really should not have cared particularly for the renown thus attained yes renown why not a notorious paris murderer gains more renown in a day than a great genius in ten years i there is a difference in the quality of renown you say i fail to see it there is a difference if you like in the character of the person renowned but the renown itself the dirty hand clapping of the many mob is almost the same because they the mob never praise a great man without at the same time him for some trifling fault of character like wise they never cast their at a criminal without discovering in him some faint speck of virtue of which they frequently make such a that it sometimes looks as if they thought him a saint after all i not this man but | 33 |
is shouted all over the world to this day the of great natures and the setting free of known robbers is the common and incessant custom of the crowd we are told by the teachers of the present age that christianity is a its founder a personage but by all the of this world and the next the story remains and i will continue to remain a curiously true and significant symbol of humanity i suppose nearly a week must have passed since i had sent to his account with that deity he professed to serve when one day down a back street which was a short cut to the obscure hotel i inhabited i saw it was dusk and she w as hurrying along rapidly but for one instant i caught sight of the young childish face the soft blue eyes the dark curling clusters of hair she did not perceive me and i followed her at a distance wondering whither she was bound and how she lived she was mis clad her figure looked thin and shadowy but she walked with a light swift step a step which to my idea seemed to imply that some interest or hope or ambition still kept her capable of living on though lonely and abandoned in the wild and wicked world of paris suddenly at a comer she turned and disappeared and though i pursued her almost at a run i could not discover in what direction she had gone provoked at my own stupidity i up and down the place i found myself in which was a mere and was on the point of asking some questions at one of the filthy looking close by when d a band grasped me from behind a loud is broke on my ears and i turned to have you come to pay me a visit mon he asked with a half mock half salutation by my faith you do me an honour i live here and he pointed to a miserable house the roof of which was half off and the three upper windows broken behold and true enough this announcement was distinctly to be read on a wooden dangling from one of the broken windows i have the best floor he continued the let us call it the other apartments i have not examined but i should imagine they must be airy no doubt they also command an open view from the roof which would probably be an attraction but enter beau enter i am delighted to welcome you the best i have of everything is at your service and with the gestures of fantastic courtesy he invited me to follow him i hesitated a moment he looked so wild about the eyes so gaunt and ghastly that for the moment i wondered whether i was not perhaps myself to the tender of a madman then i quickly remembered my own condition what if he mad i thought his madness had not led him to commit murder not yet i had a certain dull curiosity to see what sort of a place he dwelt in i therefore complied with his request and stumbled after him up a crooked flight of stairs nearly falling over a small child on the way a half naked creature who sat crouched in one of the darkest comers biting a crust of bread and over it in very much the fashion of an angry tiger cat hearing g my smothered exclamation turned round this object and laughed ah he cried that is one of my models of the stone period if you have kicked that charming boy by accident do not trouble to ask his pardon he will not appreciate the courtesy i two sentiments alone inspire him fear and ferocity i and seizing the mass of hair and rags by its neck he shook it to and fro violently exclaiming tea et tes the creature uttered some unintelligible sound and got on its feet still biting the crust and and presently we all three stood in a low wide room about with painter s materials and various sorts of rubbish where the first thing that the eye was an enormous canvas stretched across the wall on which the body of a was displayed in all its the head not yet being painted in was left to the imagination of the spectator still grasping the bundle he called his threw himself down in a chair after to me to take whatever seat i found convenient and with the handle of a long paint brush began by degrees to lift the locks of hair from off the face of the mysterious object he held who bit and growled on regardless of his patron s attentions a countenance became the countenance of a mingled monkey and savage repulsive terrible in all respects save for the eyes which were magnificent jewel like clear and cruel as the eyes of a wolf or a snake there said triumphantly turning the strange round towards me there s a boy for you he would do credit to the age when man was still in process of formation the chin you see is not developed the forehead like that of the the nose has not yet received its intellectual but the eyes are perfectly formed now about these eyes you have in them the most complete of the poetical sentiment about eyes being the windows of the soul because this child has simply no soul he is an animal made merely if we quote scripture to arise kill and eat he has no idea of anything else his thoughts are as the thoughts of beasts and the only sentences of intelligible speech he knows are my teaching hear him he will give | 33 |
you an excellent on the duty of life now tell me mon he went on addressing the boy and lifting up another of his curls with the paint brush handle what is life i it is a mystery to us will you explain it the savage little creature glared from one to the other of us in sullen curiosity and fear his breath came quickly and he clenched his small hands he was evidently trying to remember something and found the effort presently between his set teeth came the words j said still arranging the hair of his very well said you see he understands life this child i j ai i all is said it is the universal cry of existence hunger and the remarkable part of the whole affair is that the complaint is incessant even conscious of the he has acquired through over feeding has never had enough and at morning noon and evening the hunger problem afresh and curses his for not providing more in the humanity is never satisfied it earth air ocean it together gold jewels palaces ships wine and woman and then when all is gotten that can be gained out of the universe it turns its savage face towards heaven and deity with a defiance this world is not enough for my needs it cries i will put in my pocket and wear the in my button hole i i will have eternity for my and for my comrade i fat he laughed wildly and opening a drawer near him took out a small apple and threw it aloft catch he cried and the boy tossing up his head caught it between his teeth with extraordinary precision as it fell well done now let us see you as adam before you ah what a if it were only a stolen morsel it would be ever so much sweeter sit there and he pointed to an old bench in the opposite comer whereon the strange child enough his wonderful eyes sparkling with as he plunged his sharp teeth in the fruit which was to him an evident rare delicacy he is the most admirable rat hunter in paris i should say went on him sharp as a and as a cat i he the by scores and what is very human eats them with infinite relish afterwards i shuddered horrible i exclaimed involuntarily does he starve then regarded me with a rather pathetic smile my friend we all starve here he answered placidly it is the fashion of this particular some of us mj self for instance consider food a vulgar and we take a certain honest pride in occasionally being able to dispense with it altogether it is more h la mode in this neighbourhood which however is quite aristocratic compared to some others close by all the same i am really rather curious to know what has ht you here man may i without ask the question i saw a woman i thought i knew i answered and i followed her ah and the result no result at all i lost sight of her suddenly and do not know how or where she disappeared ah said again women are very plentiful in these parts that is a certain sort of women the and of the from warm palaces and carriages drawn by high fed horses they come to this and then to that he pointed through the window and my eyes followed his gesture a glittering strip of water was just visible in the deepening twilight a gleam of the a faint tremor shook me and to change the subject i once more to the brute child who had now finished his apple and sat at us like a young owl from under his tangled bush of hair what is he i asked abruptly my dear i thought i had explained said he is a type of the age of stone but if you want a more explicit definition i will be strictly accurate and call him a production of i started then controlled myself as i saw that regarded me intently i forced a smile a production of i echoed precisely of and together that is why i find him so intensely interesting i know his just as one knows the of a valuable dog or remarkable horse and it is full of significance his grandfather was a man of science i burst out laughing at the of this statement whereupon shook his head at me in mock solemn reproach never laugh mon ami at a joke you do not entirely understand you cannot understand and you never will understand the awful of mother nature and it is a phase of her enormous that i am about to relate to you i repeat this boy s grandfather was a man of science with a pair of spectacles fixed on his nose and a score or so of reference volumes at hand he set about into the recesses of creation through his he peered at the shadow brightness called god and declared him to be non est he weighed man s heart and mind in his small brazen scales and both by his analysis he talked of matter and of force of and of love went on faith went on grief went on death went on he had little or nothing to do with any of these his main object was to prove away the flesh and blood of life and leave it a mere skeleton he succeeded admirably and at the age of sixty found himself alone with that skeleton he dined with it with it slept with it it confronted him at all hours and seasons rattling its bones and him with its empty eye and dangling jaws | 33 |
at last one stormy night its hand roused him from sleep and showed him the exact spot where his lay he took the hint immediately made the long artistic across his throat which the skeleton so recommended and died or to put it more delicately departed to that mysterious region where are not worn and knowledge is imparted without the aid of s ink he was a very interesting individual great when he was alive according to the in the usual way now he is dead he paused and i looked at him well well he left one son a individual whose sole delight in life was to drink and dance the hours away a remarkable contrast to his father as you may imagine and dame nature began her little game of cross purposes this fellow born in paris and a of all things took to in very early manhood not that i blame him for that in the least because it is really a fascinating and afterwards through some extraordinary of the gods became an actor night after night he painted his face his legs and the boards the various common phases of love and villain in that lowest of all professions the like art of he unlike his reverend parent never troubled himself concerning the deeper questions of life at all chaos was his faith and his principle his stage appearance particularly his leg a who went by the of she passed for an but was really the daughter of a paris and he was likewise smitten by her abundant charms wild eyes flowing hair and limbs and after a bit the two made up their minds to live together marriage of course was not considered a necessity to people of their standing it seldom is in these cases love however or the passion thej called by that name proved much too weak and inadequate a rival to cope with the green fairy had taken a firm hold of our friend the actor s mind and whether his had turned his head or whether the had played him an ill turn i cannot tell you but for some months after he had taken up his residence with the charming he was the victim of a singular and exceedingly troublesome frenzy this was neither more nor less than the idea that his was a serpent whose eyes attracted him in spite of his will and whose embraces him and drove him mad his behaviour under these curious mental circumstances was excessively and finally after enduring his preposterous till her patience of which she had a very slight stock was entirely exhausted la him off to a lunatic asylum where finding no sharp instrument convenient to his hand as his father had done before him he himself with his own desperate fingers imagine it such a determined method of must have been a most unpleasant exit a tremor ran through me as he spoke and i averted my gaze from his it was a most unfortunate affair altogether continued and i m afraid it must be set down chiefly to the fault of which though a most delightful and admirable slave is an exceedingly bad master yes and he mused over this a little to himself an exceedingly bad master if people would only imitate my example and take all its pleasures without its tyranny how much wiser and better that would be i forced myself to speak to smile the passion never you then you subdue it our eyes met a red flush crept through the sickly of his skin but he laughed and gave a careless gesture of indifference of course fancy a man being mastered and controlled by a mere the idea is ridiculous to complete my story this boy here this of the stone age is the child of the and his serpent of and born of the result is sufficiently remarkable i knew the parents also the a grand papa and i have s taken a scientific interest in this their only i think i know now how we can resolve ourselves back to the if we choose by living entirely on but are you not a lover of i half a positive in the of the green why then do you judge so ill of its effects he looked at me in the most my friend i do not judge ill of its effects there j ou quite mistake me i say it will help us to recover our brute natures and that is precisely what i most desire i civilization is a curse morality an enormous to freedom man was born a savage and he is still happiest in a state of he has been civilized over and over again believe me through immovable of time but the savage cannot be gotten out of him and if allowed to do so he returns to his condition of lawless liberty with the most astonishing ease civilized e are and bound in a thousand ways when we wish to give the rein to our natural impulses we should be much more contented in our original state of and and contentment is what we want and what in our present modes of constrained culture we never get for example i am not half as civilized as the slain once known as me whom i buried i told you about that remarkable funeral did i not and as a natural consequence i am much happier the me who died was a painfully conscious creature always striving to do good to attain the impossible perfection to teach and love to help and comfort his low men now there was a frightful absurdity that me was | 33 |
and in this though a he the rich man s civilized poor relations xxiv we left the house together and walked through the wretched in which it was situated i looking sharply from right to left to see whether among the miserable women who were gathered at different there was any one like but no they were all ugly old by illness or wasted by starvation and they scarcely glanced at us though the fantastic took the trouble to raise his battered hat to them as he passed caring nothing for the fact that not one of them even by way of a jest returned his salutation we soon traversed the streets that lay between the quarter we had left and the and arrived at the long low looking building just as a covered was being carried into it touched the in a pleasantly familiar style qui va ih he inquired one of the glanced up and grinned only a bo m crushed on the railway is that all and shrugged his shoulders i ho w uninteresting we entered the dismal dead house arm in arm the light was not turned full on and only a pale showed us the awful on which it is the custom for unknown to be laid side by side with ice cold water dripping and over them from the roof above there were only two there at the immediate moment the crushed boy had to be carried away pour sa before he could be exposed to public view and not more than five or six morbid persons besides ourselves were looking with a fascinated at that couple of rigid forms on the the emptied of that mysterious life principle which comes we know not whence and goes we know not where as i have said the light was very dim and it was difficult to discern even the outlines of these two and loudly complained of this inconvenience we are not in the he exclaimed and when a great artist like myself visits the dead he expects to see them not to be put to the trouble of at their those who were present stared then smiled and seemed to silently agree with this sentiment and just then a official looking personage made his sudden appearance from a side door and bowed politely pardon m i said this individual the light shall be turned on instantly the spectators are not this laughed and clapped him on the shoulder ha thou art the man of little mon ami he said thou dost grudge even the dead their last lantern on the road to never hear of the no matter come come light up it may be we shall recognize acquaintances in yonder agreeably speechless personages one of them looks in this dim twilight massive a positively monster the official smiled a monster truly that body was found in the river two days ago and m is perhaps aware that the water a corpse somewhat with these words and an nod he disappeared and something i know not what caused me to i carelessly hum a tune as i pressed my face against the screen and peered in at the death before me suddenly the light flashed up with a white glare hot brilliant and dazzling and for a moment i saw nothing but i heard saying the old lady is prettier than the young man in this case death by poison is evidently more soothing to the muscles than death by drowning i looked and gradually my aching sense of vision took in the scene the first corpse the one nearest to me was that of the woman of whom spoke some one standing close by began her wretched history how she had in a fit of madness killed herself by eating rat poison her features were quite placid the poor old withered body was decently composed and rigid and the little drops of water rolled off her skin like pearls but that other thing that lay there a little apart that other dark livid twisted mass was it could it be all that was mortal of a man what is that i asked pointing at it a little vaguely no doubt for my head and i was conscious of a peculiar straining choking sensation in my throat that rendered speech difficult that was a man but is so no longer returned lightly he is now an it and as an it is remarkably hideous so hideous that i am quite fascinated i really must have a closer look at death s this time come m knows me very well and will let us pass inside m turned out to be the official personage who had previously spoken to us and on stating that he wanted to make a sketch of that drowned man but that from outside the glass screen he could not see the features properly we were very readily allowed to enter only that the face is hardly a face at all said m with indifference one can scarcely make out its right the thing about this particular corpse is that the eyes have not been destroyed it must have been floating to and fro in the water three days if not more and it has been here two but the eyes are like stone and remain almost thus speaking he accompanied us close up to the marble and the full view of the dead creature loomed darkly upon us the sight was so ghastly that for a moment the careless himself was startled while i i staggered backward slightly overcome by a sense of those blue swollen limbs it had been impossible to them so said the m in fact a for this twisted | 33 |
personage had been completely beyond the skill of the of the i mastered the sick fear and that threatened to unsteady my nerves and came up out of sheer as closely as i could to the detestable thing i saw its face all horribly its blue lips which were parted widely in a sort of ferocious smile its great eyes god i could hardly save myself from uttering a shriek as the man desirous of being civil to lifted the swollen head into an upright position and those stony et wet glistening eyes stared at me out of their purple i knew them i truth to tell i had known this repulsive corpse all the time if i had only dared to admit as much to myself and if i had had any doubts as to its identity those doubts would have been by that straight on the left temple which as the hair was completely thrown back from the forehead was distinctly visible yes all that was m mortal of lay there before me within touch of my hand i the murderer stood by the side of the murdered and as far as i could control myself i showed no sign of guilt or horror but there was a loud singing and roaring about me like the noise of an angry river rising into flood my brain was giddy and i kept my gaze fixed on the body out of sheer inability to move a muscle or to utter a word the cool business like voice of m close at my ear startled me horribly though and nearly threw me off my guard he was a priest said the official with a slight accent of contempt the clothes prove that and he indicated by a gesture a set of garments i recognized them well enough hanging up as is the custom immediately above the corpse they once covered but of what order and where he came from no one can tell we found a purse full of money upon him and a with no name inside he has not been identified and he will not keep any longer so tomorrow he will be removed where to i inquired my voice sounding thick and far away and t violently as a sort of excuse for laughed he was busy making a rapid pencil sketch of the corpse where to my dear friend to the comfortable the ditch of death wherein we all drown in the end of course we can have our own private patches of ditch if we choose to pay for such a luxury but we shall the earth better if we allow ourselves to be thrown all together in one it is more convenient to our and we may as well be obliging the public is really the most sensible sort of grave and the most truly religious because it is the most this man and he gave a few artistic finishing touches to his sketch was evidently good looking once smiled m is an artist and can imagine good looks where none have ever existed he observed politely not at all returned still working rapidly with his pencil this body is certainly very much swollen by the water but one can guess the original natural outlines the limbs were finely the shoulders and chest were strong and nobly formed the face yes it is probable the face was an ideal one there are faint marks upon it that still indicate beauty the eyes were evidently remarkable why what pleasant jest for i had broken out into an fit of laughter laughter that i could no more restrain than an hysterical woman can restrain her tears and when and his friend stared at me in surprise i became fairly and laughed more than ever presently struggling for utterance mon i said would j ou have me play over such a spectacle as this m says he was a priest well look at him now how well he represents his is not his mouth most open and ready to say an ave and his eyes those admirable eyes have they not quite the expression of so practised by all of his calling a priest you say a of god and see what god has done for him his beauty if beauty he ever had and brought him to the what a droll way this god has of his sworn servants m appeared vaguely troubled by my words perhaps he was a bad priest he suggested there are many and this one may have committed so an error of discipline that he probably imagined the only way out of it was suicide i laughed again oh i you think him a suicide assuredly there are no marks of violence and besides ho was not robbed of his money these foolish officials always the same ideas and the same routine inwardly i congratulated myself on my own cunning and turning to asked him if he had finished his sketch though what you want it for i cannot imagine i added shrugged his shoulders only for the sake of study he returned just to see what death can do for a man s see i and he touched the throat of that which had been l the here are swollen and in such a way that one could almost fancy he had been again observe the ribs they start through the not from but from having made a powerful a struggle for life here the of the leg are strained as though they had used all their resisting power against some opposing i am not an artist for nothing | 33 |
vital principle the strange ethereal essence that colours the blood strings the nerves lights the eyes and works the brain we call it life but it is something more than life it is spirit and imagine it we have it in our own power to release that subtle thing whatever it is we can kill a man and lo there is a lump of clay and that strange essence has gone i or we can kill ourselves with the same result only one wonders what becomes of us i responded that is the idea of eternal bliss an idea that is very fashionable in paris just now turned his great wild eyes upon me with a look of vague reproach fashionable in paris he echoed bitterly even so may one talk of being fashionable in hell the city that the works of a victor to drop gradually into oblivion and sings the praises of a who with a sort of pen turns up under men s nostrils such literary as loads the very air with and mind religion of any sort for paris in its present condition is absurd it is like offering the devil a do not accept paris opinions there is something more than even in apparently clear space and he glanced about him with an odd touch of dread in his manner believe me there is no he paused laughed a little and passed his hand across his brows as though he swept away some thought good night he said then i must return to my terrible who wiu starve till i come again i wish you had not torn up that sketch so do i as you harp upon the subject so persistently i said with mingled irritation and the latter feeling i feigned as best i could i am really very sorry shall we go back to the and ask permission to take another view no no and shuddered slightly i could not look at that dead priest again there was in his eyes they were alive with some ghastly accusation i forced a smile how grim you are this evening i said carelessly i think i will leave you to your own reflections au wait he exclaimed eagerly and catching my hand in his own he pressed it hard i am grim as ou say i know it i am at times more gloomy than a whose midnight duty it is to dig his own grave to the sound of a muffled bell but it is not always so my natural humour is gay enough to please the wildest hon i assure you you shall see me again soon and we will have sport enough tell me where i can meet you now and then i named a on the a favourite resort for many a sworn ah he said i know the place it is too grand for me as a rule i hate the light the the painted flowers the ugly fat dame de but no matter i will join you there some evening expect me when i asked soon when my will allow me to appear in public bon i he lifted his hat with his usual fantastic flourish smiled a nd w ts gone i drew a deep breath of re for some moments the strain on my nerves had been terrific i could scarcely have endured his companionship a moment longer i looked about me i was in a very quiet there were trees and seats under the trees but i was near the river too near i turned away from it and walked onward w till i found myself in the lively and brilliant avenue de here i presently saw a man pacing slowly ahead of me clad in a priest s close black garments he ed me terribly i had no desire to be reminded of just then could i not get in front of this leisurely strolling fool i hurried my steps and with an effort came up with him passed him looked round and recognized l dreamy eyed serene as usual only as i stared wildly at him his lips fell apart in the horrible smile i had seen on the face of the corpse in the heedless of what i did i struck at him fiercely my clenched fist passed through his seeming substance he vanished into before my eyes i stamped and swore a hand seized and swung me to one side va t en said a rough voice tu te drunk i i back from the push this insolent by had given me and my forces took to walking again as rapidly as possible all my energies on speed of movement and refusing to allow myself to think i soon reached a whereof i was a known and called for the one the only of my life the blessed me of conscience the of thought and drank and drank till the very sense of being was almost lost and all ideas were and set in my brain drank till with every burning and every drop of blood through my body like hissing fire i rushed out into the calm and chilly night with a sort of furious evil ecstasy that was perfectly indescribable the spirit of a mocking devil possessed me a devil proud as milton s satan as s and cunning as s the world seemed to me a mere child s ball to kick and at the creatures crawling on it stupid born out of a cloud of dust and a shower of rain yes i was i into a temporary | 33 |
forgetfulness of my crime of murder and bent on some method of forgetting it still more and more utterly where should i go what should i do in what resort of and could i hide myself for a while so as to be sure quite sure that i should not again meet that pale yet shadow of xxv pausing for a moment while the pavement rocked beneath me i tried to shape some course of immediate action but found that impossible to return to my own rooms and endeavour to rest was an idea that never occurred to me rest and i were strangers to each other i could not grasp at any distinct fact or thought i had become for the time being a mere beast with every animal instinct in me awake and intelligence culture these seemed lost to me they occupied no place in my nothing is easier than for a man to forget such things a brute by origin he returns to his brute nature willingly and i i did not stand long considering or striving to consider my own condition there where i was close by the avenue de with the stream of by coming and going like grinning ghosts in a dream i hurled myself as it were full into the throng and let myself drift with it careless of whither i went there were odd noises in my ears ringing of bells beating and crashing of it seemed to my fancy that there spread out before me was a clear green piece of water with a great ship upon it the ship was in process of building and i heard the finishing blows on her iron the throbbing sound of her panting engines i saw her launched when lo her giant bulk split apart like a orange and there down among her sinking lay a laughing naked thing with pale hair and white arms round a livid corpse that into a skeleton as i looked and anon from a skeleton into dust all the work of my witch her magic lantern of strange pictures was never exhausted i i on and on heedless of the people about me eager for some distraction and almost unconscious that i moved but burning with a sort of rage to the finger tips a sensation that would easily have prompted and persuaded me to any deed of outrage or violence mark me here good reader you are do not imagine for a moment that my character is an uncommon one in paris not by any means the streets are full of such as i am men who home in the of will not stop to consider the of any crime human wolves who would kill you as soon as look at you or kill themselves just as the fancy takes them men who would the merest child in woman s shape and not only outrage her but murder and her afterwards and then when all is done and they are by some happy accident caught and condemned for the crime will smoke a cigar on the way to the and cut a joke with the as the knife you would rather not know all this perhaps you would rather shut your eyes to the terrific tragedy of modern life and only see that orderly commonplace surface part of it which does not alarm you or shock your nerves i dare say just as you would rather not remember that you die but why all this pretence why keep up such a game of sham paris is described as a brilliant centre of civilization but it is the civilization of the organ s monkey who is trained to wear coat and hat do a few tricks at money crack nuts and examine the insect of his own skin it is not a shade near the civilization of old rome or nor does it even resemble that of or in those age buried cities if we may credit historical records men believed in the dignity of manhood and did their best to still further and it but we in our day are so thoroughly alive to our own generally that we spare neither time nor trouble in ourselves with the fact and so our most successful books are those which make sport of and find excuse for our vices our most paying those which expose our in such a manner as to just sheer off by a hair s breadth positive our most popular and those which have most and most and so we whirl along from hour to hour and the heavens do not crack and no divine us for our if they are assuredly the greek was a far more interesting deity than the present strange of eternal silence in which some people perchance feel the thought of a vast force which and and waits waits maybe for a fixed appointed time when the whole universe as it now is shall like a of and leave space clear and clean for the working out of another creation as i tell you if i had wanted money that night i would have murdered even an aged and feeble man to obtain it if i had wanted love or what is called love in paris i would have won it either by flattery or force but i needed neither gold nor woman s kisses of the first i still had sufficient of the second why i in paris they can always be secured at the cost of a few and a champagne supper no i i wanted something that gold could not woman s lips persuade and it enraged me to think that this | 33 |
was the one the only thing that my witch would not give me in all its completeness some of the green there are who can win this boon they sink into an that approaches as the famous dr will tell you they almost forget that thej live why could not i do this why could i not strike into fragments at one blow as it were this burning reflecting quivering dial plate of memory that and my brain hurrying on as though bound on some swift errand yet without any definite object in view i arrived all at once in front of a over which a arch of electric light flashed its wavering red blue and green a sort of marked the side entrance with an inscription above it in large letters there are of such places in paris of course though i had never set foot in one of them dancing of the lowest type where the is merely held out as a bait to attract a large and mixed attendance once inside everything has to be paid for that is always understood it is the same rule with all the one enters but one pays for having entered the sound of music reached me where i stood wild harsh music such as devils might dance to and without taking a second s thought about it for i could not think i twisted the bars of the violently and rushed in into the midst of such as no painter s brush has ever dared devise a scene that could not be witnessed anywhere save in civilized paris in a long with bright paint and common whirled a crowd of men and women attired in all sorts of some as others as others as sailors soldiers here was a of there an exaggerated double of the president of the republic altogether a wild and furious crew shrieking howling and dancing like just escaped from some few wore and but the greater part of the assemblage were and my entrance clad merely as a plain excited no sort of notice i was to the full as de for such an entertainment as one else present i flung myself into the midst of the of people with a sense of pleasure at being surrounded by so much noise and movement here not a soul could know me here no unpleasant thought or fanciful impression would have time to write itself across my brain here it was better than being in a wilderness one could j ell and scream and with the rest of one s fellow and be as merry as one chose i my way along and promised an but very dirty waiter my custom presently and while i tried to urge my intelligence into a clearer comprehension of all that was going on the crowd suddenly parted asunder with laughter and shouts of applause and standing back in closely pressed ranks made an open space in their centre for the approach of two women one ed in very short black skirts the other in blood red for a moment in that theatrical po e which all dancers assume before the they uttered a peculiar shout half savage half a noisy burst of music answered them and then with an indescribable slide forward and an impudent of the arms they started which though vile vulgar and has perhaps more power to the passions of a paris mob than the of the it can be danced in various ways this curious of threatening gesture and invitation and if the dancers be a couple of heavy paris or it will probably be rendered so as to be harmless but danced by women with strong limbs with arms that twist like the bodies of with that seem to heave with suppressed rage and ferocity with eyes that flash hell fire through the black eye holes of a like mask and with utter reckless audacious disregard of all pretence at modesty its effect is terrible to deeds of and slaughter and why why in heaven s name should a mere dance make men mad why mild v you are i cannot answer you why are men made as they are will you tell me that why does an english earl marry a music hall singer he has seen her in he has heard her roar forth vulgar to the lowest classes of the public and yet he has been known to marry her and make her ray lady and a of the realm explain to me this and i will explain to you then why it is that the sight of the can can danced in all its frankness turns men for the time being into stamping whom to see to hear to realize the existence of is to feel that with all our culture we are removed only half a step away from absolute on me the spectacle of those two strong women the one wearing the colour of the grave the other the colour of blood acted as a sort of charm and i howled stamped shrieked and applauded as furiously as the rest of the more than this when the dance was over i approached the black and her to honour me with her hand in a an invitation which i by a whisper in her ear a whisper that had in it the of base coin rather than the silvery ring of homage she had her price of course like all the women there and that price i paid i whirled her several times round the for she well and finally sitting down by her side asked her or rather i should say | 33 |
away rapidly and began to slip stealthily through the crowd roughly flinging my partner from me i followed fast striking out right and left with my two hands to force a passage between the foolish flocks of dancing i heard shrieks of terror and amazement shouts of ii est foul il est but i nothing nothing save that black figure gliding swiftly on before me nothing until in my wild headlong rush i was stopped by the sudden consciousness of being in the fresh air the wind blew coldly on my face i saw the moonlight falling in wide patterns around me but was i alone no for stood there also by the side of a great tree that spread its huge boughs downwards to the ground he gazed straight at me with wistful beautiful impassioned eyes but no smile crossed the quiet of his countenance he looked yes exactly as he had looked before i murdered him f f perhaps perhaps i thought vaguely there was some mistake perhaps i had not killed him after all he seemed still to be alive i whispered what now a light breeze the branches overhead the appeared to gather and melt into a silvery sea and i sprang forward intent on grasping that substantial looking form in such a manner as to establish for myself the fact of its actual existence it rose upward from my touch like a cloud of ascending smoke and vanished utterly while i striking my forehead sharply against the rough trunk of the tree where the accursed phantom of my own brain had confronted me fell heavily forward on the ground stunned and insensible i lay there in a dead stupor for some hours but i was roused to my senses at last by the attentions of a who grasped and shook me to and fro as if i were a bag of wheat oi get up beast he growled his rough provincial accent making the smooth french tongue sound like the ugly of a savage bull dog drunk at nine in the morning a pretty way of earning the right to live i struggled to my feet and stared at him i am a gentleman i said leave me alone the fellow burst out laughing a gentleman truly that is easily seen one of the old aristocracy doubtless and he picked up my hat it was entirely battered in on one side and handed it to me with a bow i looked at him as steadily as i could everything seemed to and dance to and fro before my eyes but i remembered i had some money left in my pockets i searched and drew out a piece of twenty what do you know about gentlemen or i said do you not measure them all by this and i held up the gold coin you called me a beast what a mistake that was a drunken beggar is a beast if you like but a grand who himself here i dropped the piece into his quickly outstretched palm c e t n man ami he touched his hat and the laughter was all on my side now he looked such a ridiculous of out f out he murmured his gold est le le de and he edged himself away with as much as was possible in the very position he occupied namely that of taking to prove a beast a gentleman his first exclamation at sight of me was honest and true my condition was worse than for beasts never fall so low as men and he knew it and i knew it but for twenty he could be made to say de poor devil only one out of thousands like him in this droll world where there is so much about duty and honour nine o clock in the morning so late as that i looked about me and realized that i was close to the i could not imagine how i had come there nor could i remember precisely where i had been during the past night i was aware of a deadly sense of sickness and i was very unsteady on my feet so that i was obliged to walk slowly my hat was beyond repair i put it on as it was all crushed and beaten in and what with my soiled linen disordered garments and hair i felt that my appearance was not on this fine bright morning in paris altogether but what did i care for that who was to see me who w as to know me humming the scrap of a tune under my breath i sauntered along but the horrible sickness upon me increased with ever step i took and finally i determined to sit down for a while and try to recover a hold of my physical f i blindly towards a bench under the trees and almost fell upon it thereby knocking heavily against an upright dignified looking old gentleman who just then happened to cross my path and to whom i feebly muttered a word or two by way of apology but the loud cry he gave startled me into a wide awake condition more successfully than any cold of water could have done my god i stared at him with eyes that painfully in the spring sunshine who was he this tidy respectable elderly personage who pale as death regarded me with the terror stricken air of one who sees some sudden he cried again ah of course i knew him now my father actually my father who would have thought it i felt in a dim sort of way that i | 33 |
the ties of mere relationship i should be no use to you nor would you pardon me for saying so be any use tp me what should i do with a home or home associations an as the word left my lips he seemed to and sway forward a little i thought he would have fallen and involuntarily i made a hasty movement to assist him but he waved me back with a feeble yet eloquent gesture his eyes flashed his whole form seemed to with the passion of his wrath and pain back do not touch me he said in low fierce accents how dare you face me with such an hideous an you what you my son a confessed lave to that abominable vice that not only makes of its but my god would you had died as a child would i had laid you in the grave a little innocent lad as i remember you than have lived to see you come to this an f in that one word is all the worst possibilities of crime why why in heaven s name have you fallen so low low i repeated you think it low well that is droll is it more low for example than a woman s a man s treachery have i not suffered and shall i not be comforted some people solace themselves by doings their duty and sacrificing their lives for a cause for an idea and sorry they win for it in the end now i prefer to please myself in my own fashion the fashion of i am perfectly happy why trouble about me his eyes met mine the brave honest eyes that had never known how to play at treachery and the look of unspeakable reproach in them went to my very heart but i gave no outward sign of feeling is this all you have to say he asked at last all i echoed carelessly is it not enough he waited as if to gather force for his next utterance and when he spoke again his voice was sharp and almost in its measured distinctness enough certainly he said and more than enough enough to convince me without further argument that i have no longer a son my son the son i loved and knew as both child and man is dead and i do not recognize the that has arisen to me in his likeness you you were once a gentleman in name and position you who now yourself an and take pride in the disgraceful confession my god i think i could have you anything but this any crime would have seemed light in comparison with this wilful of both intelligence and con science without which no man has manhood worthy of the name i peered lazily at him from between my half closed eyelids he had really a very distinguished air he was altogether such a noble looking old man good i murmured very good very well said i of course yet admirably expressed his face flushed he grasped his stick by heaven he muttered i am tempted to strike you do not i answered smiling a little you would soil that handsome cane of yours and possibly hurt your hand i really am not worth the risk of these two i he gazed at me in blank amazement are ou mad he cried i don t think so i responded quietly i don t feel so on the contrary i feel perfectly sane tranquil and comfortable it seems to me that you are the madman in this case mon forgive me for the of the observation i he echoed with a stare yes you you who expect of men what is not in them you who would have us all virtuous and respectable in order to win the world s good opinion the world s good opinion who knowing how the world forms its opinion cares a for that opinion when it is formed not i i have created a world of my own where i am sole law and the code of morality i practise is au fond precisely the same as is followed under different throughout society namely i please myself i which after all is the chief object of each man s existence thus on half indifferent as to whether my father stayed to listen to me or went away in disgust he had however now regained all his ordinary composure and he held up his hand with an gesture silence he said you shame the very air you breathe listen to me understand well what i say and answer plainly if you can you tell me you have become an do you know what that means i believe i do i replied indifferently it means in the end death oh if it meant only death he exclaimed passionately if it meant only the common fate that in due time comes to us all but it means more than this it means crime of the most character it means cruelty and have you realized the doom you create for yourself or have you never thought thus far i gave a gesture of weariness mon you excite yourself quite i have thought till i am tired of thinking i have over all the problems of life till i am sick of the useless study what is the good of it all for example you are a banker i was your partner in business you see i use the past tense though you have not formally dismissed me now what a trouble and worry it is to one s days in looking after other | 33 |
people s money i to consider another profession the one of fighting for la pa what does la care for all the blood shed on her battle fields she is such a droll one week she shrieks out i en the next she talks calmly through her presses of making friends with germany and even to flatter the new german emperor in such a state of things who would endure the toil and of military service when one could sit idle all day in a drinking comfortably instead ah do not look so indignant the days of romance are over sir we want to do as we like with our lives not to be into wasting them on vain dreams of either virtue or glory my father heard me in perfect silence when i had finished speaking that is your answer he demanded answer to what oh as to whether i understand the meaning of being an yes that is my answer i am quite happy and even suppose i do become a as you so suggest i have heard that are really very sort of people they imagine themselves to be kings and what not it is just as agreeable an existence as any other i should imagine enough and my father fixed his eyes upon me with such a coldness of unutterable scorn in them as for the moment gave me a dim sense of shame i want to hear no more special for the most degrading and vice of this our city and age no more i tell you not a word what i have to say you will do well to remember and think of as often as your brain can think first then in the life you have elected to lead you will cease to bear my name i bowed smiling serenely va dire i have already ceased to bear it i answered him your honour is safe with me sir i assure you though i care nothing for ray own he went on as though he had not heard me you will no longer have any connection with the bank nor any share in its concerns i shall take ii your place as my partner your cousin i bowed again was my father s sister s son a bright young fellow of about my own age what an opening for him i thought and how proud he would be to get the position i had voluntarily resigned i shall send you continued my father whatever sums are belonging to you on account of your past work and share with me in business that and no more when that is spent live as you can but do not come to me our relationship must be now a thing dissolved and broken for ever from this day henceforth i you for i know that the hideous vice you to allows for no future repentance or i had a son and his voice quivered a little a son of whom i was too fondly foolishly proud but he is lost to me lost as utterly as the unhappy or her no less unhappy lover i started and a tremor ran through me lost g i stammered how lost did you say aye lost repeated my father in melancholy accents if you have not heard hear now for it is you who caused the mischief done to be simply your friend made priest was sent to rome and from rome he has disappeared gone no one knows where all possible search has been made all possible inquiry but in vain and his parents are mad with grief and desolation like the poor child he has vanished leaving no trace and though pity and forgiveness would await them both were they to return to their homes as yet no sign has been obtained of either they are probably together i said with a sudden fierce laugh in some nook of the world loving as lovers should and mocking the grief of those they wronged with an impetuous movement my father raised his cane and i certainly thought that this time he would have struck me but he restrained himself oh devil he cried is it possible is what possible i demanded my rage also rising in a tumult nay is it possible you can speak of pity and forgiveness for those two guilty fools pity and forgiveness the prodigal son with the prodigal daughter welcomed back and the calf killed to do them honour what fine false sentiment i i i and i struck my breast angrily i was and am the principal sufferer but see you because i win consolation in a way that no one but myself i am i am i am cast out and at while she the wanton and he the are being searched for tenderly high and low to be brought back when found to peace and pardon oh the strange justice of the world enough of all this go go you who were my father go why should we exchange more words you have chosen your path i mine and you may depend upon it the much admired and regretted has chosen his go why do you stand there staring at me for i had risen and confronted him boldly he seemed nothing more to me now than a man grown foolish in his old age and unable to distinguish wrong from right no one was near us we stood in a comer of the and from the broader avenues came ringing between the laughter and chatter of children at play he my father looked at me with the | 33 |
strained startled gaze of a brave man wounded to the death can sorrow change you thus he said slowly are you so much of a moral coward that you will al low a mere love in youth to and to your whole career are you not man enough to live it down i am living it down i responded harshly but in my own way i am forgetting the world and its and mockery of virtue i am ceasing to care whether women are faithful or men honourable i know they are neither and i no longer expect it i am killing my illusions one by one when a noble thought or a fine idea presents itself to me which is but seldom i spring at its throat and it before it has time to breathe for i am aware that noble thoughts and fine ideas are the laughing stock of this century and that the stupid who indulge in them are made the of the age you look startled well you may to you mon p re i am dangerous for i loved you and what i once loved is now become a mere reproach to me a blackness on my horizon an in my path so keep out of my way if you are wise i promise to keep out of yours the you offer me i will not have i will beg steal starve anything rather than take one from you even though it be my right to claim the of what i earned you shall see my face no more i will die and make no sign to you i am dead already let me be forgotten then as the dead always are forgotten in spite of the monuments raised to their he gave a despairing gesture he cried you kill me i ed him not so mon i kill myself not ou you will live many years yet in peace and safety and good among men and you will easily console yourself for the son you have lost in new ties and new surroundings for you are not a coward i am i am afraid of the very life that within me it is too keen and devilish it is like a sharp sword blade that eats though its i do my best to blunt its edge blame me no more think of me no more i am not worth a single regret and i do not seek to be regretted i loved you once mon as i told you but now if i saw much of you of your independent air your proud step you sincere eyes i dare say i should hate you for i hate all things honest it is part of my new profession to do so and i laughed wildly honesty is a mortal to an i did you not know that however though the offence is great i will not fight you for it we will part friends adieu i held out m v hand he looked at it did not touch it but deliberately put his cane behind his back and folded his own two hands across it his face was paler than before and his lips were set his glance swept over me with unutterable reproach and scorn i smiled at his expression of dignified disgust and as i smiled he turned away adieu mon i said again he gave no word or sign in answer but with a slow quiet composed step paced onward his head erect his shoulders his whole manner as as ever no one could have thought he carried worse than a bullet wound in his heart i knew it but i did not care i watched his tall figure disappear through the foliage of the trees without regret without indeed with rather a sense of relief than otherwise he was the best friend i ever had or should have in the world this i realized plainly enough but the very remembrance of his virtues bored me it was tiresome to think of him and it was better to lose him for the infinitely more precious sake of i i passed the rest of that day in a strange sort of semi a state of stupid dull as to what next should happen to me i cannot say that i even thought for the powers of thinking in me were curiously almost the interview i had had with my father faded away into a sort of pale and remembrance it seemed to have taken place years ago instead of hours that is one of the special charms of the it makes a confused chaos of all impressions so that it is frequently impossible to distinguish between one event long ago and one that has happened quite recently true there are times when certain faces and certain scenes dart out vividly from this semi obscure of colour and take such startling shape and movement as to almost the brain they haunt and but these to the seat of reason are not frequent at least not at first afterwards but why should i offer you too close an explanation of these subtle problems of mind attack and i tell you my own experience you can and i dare say you will it as an impossible one the mere fancy of an excited imagination but if you would find out and prove how truly i am my own heart and soul for your benefit why take to yourself and see and describe the result thereafter more than i if you can all day long as i have said i about paris | 33 |
in a dream a dream wherein reflections ue speculations hovered to and fro without my clearly perceiving their drift or meaning i laughed a little as i tried to imagine what my father would have said had he known what had truly become of if he could have guessed that i had murdered him what would he have done i wondered probably he would have given me up to the police he had a strained idea of honour and he would never have been brought to see the justice of my crime as i did it amused me to think of those stupid folk searching everywhere for their and making every sort of inquiry about him when all the while he was lying in the common to yes he was nothing now he was dead quite dead and yet i could not myself of the impression that he was still alive my nerves were in that sort of condition that at any moment i expected to see him it seemed quite likely that he might meet me at any comer of any street this circumstance and others similar to it make me at times doubtful as to whether death is really the conclusion of things the tell us it is true the body dies but there is something in us more than body and how is it that when we look at the corpse of one whom we knew and loved we always feel that the actual being who held our affections is no longer there if not there then where for instance was everywhere or so i felt instead of being got rid of as i had hoped he seemed to follow me about in a strange and very persistent way so that when he was not actually visible in shape he was almost palpable in this impression was so pronounced with me that it is possible had i been taken unawares and asked some sudden question as to qui d rs whereabouts i should have answered he was with here just a minute ago and yet i had killed him i knew this knew it positively and knowing still vaguely refused to believe it everything was misty and indefinite with me and the interview i had just had with my father soon became a part of the shadowy of events uncertain and nameless of which i had no absolutely distinct memory i stared into many shops that afternoon and went into some of them asking the prices of things i had no intention of buying i took a sort of fantastic pleasure in turning over various costly trifles of feminine such as dangling and useless of all possible design things that catch the eye and charm the soul of almost ever daughter of eve that her high louis heels along the of our and avenues why was it i mused that de had not been quite like the rest of her sex in such matters i had en her costly gifts in abundance but she had preferred the fire of s passionate glance and his kiss had in her mind any of pearl or glistening diamond strange yet she was the child who laughed up in my eyes the first night i met her and had talked in foolish school girl fashion of her favorite heavens what odd material women are made of then one would have thought a box of bon sufficient to give her delight a string of gems would surely have sent her into an ecstasy and yet this frivolous feminine thing had dared the fatal plunge into the ocean of passion and there sinking struggling dying lost with and lips still clung to the frail of her own self hope and drifted content to perish so starving under the cruel stars of human destiny that make too much love a curse to lovers yes actually content to perish so proud thankful even to perish so because such death was for lovers sweet bitter sake it was remarkable to find such a phase of character in a creature as young as or so i thought and i wondered dimly whether i had loved her as much a she had loved no sooner did i begin to on this subject than i felt that cold and creeping thrill of brain horror which i know now for it comes often and i fight as well as i can against it to be the hint the far fore warning of madness wild shrieking madness such as makes the strongest of men and i tell you doubt it as you will that my love for de the silly child who tortured and ed me was greater than i myself had deemed it and i dare not even now dwell too long on its remembrance i loved her as men love who are not ashamed of loving every soft curl of hair on her head was precious to me once and as i thought upon it it drove me into a of impotent ferocity to recall what i had lost how i had been and and and robbed of all dearest joys at one time as i wandered about the streets i had a vague idea of setting myself steadily to track out the lost girl by some practical method of finding her probably in a state of dire poverty and need and of forcing her still to be mine but this like all other plans or suggestions of plans lacked clearness or certainty in my brain and i merely played with it in my fancy as a thing that possibly might and still more possibly might not be done ere long i ate very | 33 |
little food all that day and when the evening came i was conscious of a heavy depression and sense of great loneliness this feeling was of coarse getting more and more common with me it is the deadly stupor of the which frequently some startling phase of nightmare i had a craving similar to that of the previous night for the rush of crowds for light and noise so i made my way to the here of people swept forward and backward like the ebb and flow of an ocean tide it was fine weather and the little tables in front of the were pushed far out some almost to the edge of the while the perpetual shriek and chatter of the monkey s male and female through the quiet air with incessant of shrill discord here and there one chanced on the provincial british new to paris with his coffee in front of him his meek fat faced partner beside him and his spreading around and it is always to a certain extent amusing to watch the various expressions of wonder offence severity and general superiority which pass over the good stupid features of such men when they first find themselves in a crowd of men who are so respectable in their own estimation that thej imagine all the rest of the world especially the continental world must be once however by chance i saw a british papa the happy father of ten coming out of a place of amusement in paris where he had no business to be bat i afterwards heard that he was a very good man and always went regularly to church o sundays when he was at home i i suppose he made it all right with his conscience in that wa it is a droll circumstance by the bye that steady going of the english folk in order to keep up appear in their respective they know they can learn nothing there they know that their or will only tell them the old of religion such as all the world has grown weary of hearing they know that nothing new nothing large nothing grand can be expected from these of a doctrine which is not of god nor of christ nor of anything save convenience and self interest and yet they attend their dull services and sermons and without any more behaviour than an occasional or brief nap in the corner of their droll and inexplicable are the ways of england and yet withal they are better than the ways of france when everything is said and done i used to hate england in common with all worthy the name but now i am not so sure i saw an english woman the other day young and fair with serious sweet eyes she walked in the by the side of an elderly man her father doubtless and she seemed gravely not pleased with what she saw but she had that exquisite composure that serene and grace that fine delicacy about her air and manner which our women of france have little or nothing of an air which made me the back as she passed and in hiding till she the breathing of sweet and womanhood had taken her beauty out of sight beauty which was to me a silent reproach reminding me of the dignity of life a dignity which i had trampled in the dust and lost for ever i yes it was merry enough on the bright that evening there were many people numbers of strangers and visitors to paris among them i strolled to the i knew best where my witch her with more than common strength and and i had not sat there so very long stirring round and round the pale green liquor in my glass when i saw approaching i remembered then that i had told him to meet me some evening at this very place on the though i had scarcely expected to see him quite so soon he looked than usual he had evidently made an attempt to appear more gentlemanly than ever even his disordered hair had been somewhat arranged with a view to neatness he saw me at once and came up lifting his hat with the usual flourish he glanced at my the old cordial he said with a laugh what a blessed remedy for all the ills of life it is to be almost as excellent as death only not quite so certain in its effects have you been here long not long i responded setting a chair for him my own shall i order your portion of the do so and he his pointed beard while he stared at me with an vague yet smiling regard i am going to purchase a journal pour it has a that but perhaps you have seen it i had seen it a pictured political but its had disgusted even me i say even me because now i was not easily shocked or but this particular thing was so that though i was accustomed to see enjoy both and literary with the zest of tearing i was somewhat surprised at their so marked an instance of absolute without wit it astonished me too to hear speak of it i should not have thought it in his line however i assented briefly to his it is clever he went on still thoughtfully his beard and it is a of the age we live in its sale to day will bring in much more money than i ask for one of my pictures and that is another of the age i admire the and i envy the artist who designed it i burst out laughing you | 33 |
wound itself out of sight i went away in my turn away from everything and everybody into a dusky cool old and church and there in full view of the christ on the cross i gave way to reckless laughter yes laughter that bordered on weeping on frenzy on madness if you will for who would not laugh at the yet ridiculous comedy of the world s ways and the world s justice alive might starve for all paris cared but dead hurried out of existence by his own act was in a of time discovered to be grand de france ah ye cruel beasts that call yourselves men and women cruel and wanton of god s impress on the human mind if any impress of god there be is there no punishment lurking behind the veil of the universe for you that shall in some degree to all the great who have suffered at your hands to be than common is a sufficient reason for contempt and by the vulgar majority and never yet was there a g spirit shut in human form whether or christ that has not been laid on the rack of torture and piece meal by the red hot irons of public spite derision or neglect surely there shall be an if not then there is a figure set wrong in the balance of creation a line a flaw in the round jewel and god himself cannot be perfect but why do i talk of god i do not believe in him and yet one is s perplexed and baffled b the inexplicable cause of things and somehow my laughter died away in a sob as i sat in the quiet gloom of the lonely old church and watched the dim lamps twinkle above the altar while all that was mortal of was being carried mournfully back to his miserable by the capricious weeping laughing frivolous crowds of paris that had let him die self slain i a few days elapsed and the rest of the little miserable farce of fame was played out with all the pomp and circumstance of a great tragedy the wretched which had served poor for both and sleeping room was piled so high with wreaths of roses and laurel that one could scarcely enter its low door for the abundance of flowers all his debts were paid by voluntary from suddenly discovered admirers and the merest unfinished sketch he had left behind him fetched sums the great picture of the priest in the cathedral was found with a paper pinned across it bearing these words to france in exchange for a grave and the fame of it went through all the land everybody spoke of le as it was called all the newspapers were full of it it was borne reverently to the du and there hung in a grand room by itself framed with splendour and about with folds of royal purple and people came softly in to look at it and to wonder at the terror and pathos of its story and whispering pity for the painter s fate was on the lips of all the fair and fashionable of paris who visited it in crowds and sent of rare value to deck its dead creator s coffin and looked on amused at everything and all i did was to visit the blossom scented garret from time to time to see the brute the strange uncouth little boy whom had as his model for the stone period and a production of this creature would not believe his patron was dead he could not be brought to understand it in any sort of way neither could he be persuaded to touch a morsel of food night after night day after he kept watch by the mortal remains of his only friend like a faithful hound his whole soul concentrated as it seemed in his large bright eyes which rested on the set of the dead man with a tenderness and patience that was almost awful at last the final hour came the time for the funeral which was to be a public one carried out with all the honours due to departed greatness and it was then that the poor br te began to be troublesome he clung to the coffin with more than human strength and and when they tried to drag him away he and bit like a wild cat no one knew what to do with him and finally a suggestion was made that he should be tied with and dragged away by force from the chamber of death in which the poor child had learned all he knew of life this course was decided upon and early in the afternoon of the day on which it was to be carried out i went into the room and looked at him conscious of a certain vague pity stirring at my heart for his wretched fate the sunlight streamed in making a wide pattern on the floor wreaths and cushions of and of laurel were piled about everywhere and in the centre of these heaped up the coffin stood the lid partly off for the little savage guardian of it would never allow it to be actually shut the face of was just visible it had changed from to beauty a great peace was settled aiid engraved upon it and fragrant lilies lay all about his throat and brow hiding the wound in his temple and covering up all the boy sat beside the coffin immovable intent as usual apparently waiting for his friend to awake on an impulse i spoke to him tu as mon f he looked up non i the reply was | 33 |
faint and sullen and he kept his head turned away as he spoke i waited a moment and then went up and laid my hand gently on his shoulder listen i said slowly separating my words with careful distinctness for i knew his comprehension of language was limited you wait for what will mt happen he is not asleep so he cannot wake understand me he is not here j the great jewel like eyes of the child rested on me not here he repeated not here no i said firmly he has gone where ah that is difficult but we believe not so very far away see and i moved the flowers a little tha i covered the breast of the corpse this man is he is made of marble he does not move he not speak he does not look at you how then can it be your friend surely you can observe for yourself that he cares nothing for you if it were friend he would smile and speak to you he is not here this white quiet personage is not he he is gone some glimmer of my meaning seemed to enter the boy s brain for he suddenly stood up and an anxious look clouded his face gone he echoed gone but why should he go b w s tired i replied smiling a he needed peace and rest you will find him i am sure if you look among the green trees where the birds sing where there are running and flowers and fresh winds to shake the boughs where all artists love to dwell when they can escape from cities he has gone i tell ou and is making one of its huge mistakes as usual this is not why do you go after him and find him an eager light sparkled in his eyes he clenched his hands and set his teeth out he murmured rapidly je le now was my opportunity if he would only suffer himself to be persuaded away come with me i said i will take you to him he fixed his gaze upon me the half gaze of a wild animal a look that somehow me by its strange so that it was as much as i could do to meet it without embarrassment he was a little savage at heart and he had the savage s instinctive perception of treachery he muttered resolutely je le ii n est pas and with this addressed more to himself than to me he sprang again to the side of the coffin and looked in and then for the first time as it seemed the consciousness of the different aspect of his friend appeared to strike him c est he said ii n est pas ce n est pas j ai le je le and without another moment s delay he crept past me like the strange stealthy creature he was and running swiftly down the stairs disappeared i sat still in the room for some time expecting he would return but be id not he was gone heaven only could tell where a little later in the day the men came who were prepared to take him captive and glad enough they were to find him no longer in their way for no one had much the idea of a with the wild devilish looking little creature whose natural ferocity was so declared and so and all the arrangements for the last of were now completed without any further delay or interruption as for me i knew i had sent the child into a wilderness of that would never be cleared up he would search and search for his patron probably till he died of sheer fatigue and disappointment but what then as well die that way as any other i could not him besides even had i wished to do so the chances were that he would not have trusted me anyway i saw him no more whatever his fate i never knew it and so it came about that the funeral of the starved unhappy half mad painter of le was the finest thing that had been seen in paris for many a long such pomp and solemnity such of black such glare of blessed candles such cars of flowers once upon a time a suicide was not entitled to any religious rites of burial but we with our glorious republic which keeps such a strong hand on the priests and will hear as little of god as may be we have changed all that we do as good unto ourselves and we do not despise a man for having sent himself out of the world on the contrary we rather admire his spirit it is a sort of defiance of the divine and as such meets with our ready sympathy and i smiled as i saw the mortal remains of my drinking friend carried to the last long rest i thought of his own fantastic dreams as to what his final end should be the of france so he had imagined he would be called when he had in his yet picturesque style described to me his own fancied funeral well so far he had been a fairly accurate and in leaping the boundary line of life he had caught fame like a shooting star and turned it into a torch to shed strange brilliancy on his grave all was well with him he had not missed glory in death though he had lacked food in life all was well with him he had received the best possible of his being | 33 |
his genius was everything and he was nothing i watched his solemn to their end i heard one of the most famous of france proclaim his praise over the yawning tomb in which they laid him down and when all was done i with every one else departed from the scene but some hours later after the earth had been piled above him i returned to la chaise and sat by the just covered grave alone i remembered he had said he liked white and i had yielded to a foolish sentiment and had bought a small of them i laid them on the cold and fresh turned soil their scent the air and i rested quietly for a few moments thinking my mind had been clearer since the last one or two days my faculties instead of being were more than usually acute painfully so at times for ever nerve in my body would throb and quiver at the mere passage of an idea through my brain i looked up at the sky it was a grey colour here and there with gold for the setting of the sun was nigh then i looked again at the white that lay fragrant and pure on the top of all the other wreaths of laurel and that covered s grave there was to be a fair monument raised above it so the people said but i doubted it s last resting place remains to this day my countrymen promise much more than they perform it is charming on their part so we do not call it lying presently my eyes began to wander round and about the which is beautiful in its way a veritable city of the dead where no rough stir the air and by and bye i caught sight of the name de carved on the marble of a tomb not very far distant i realized that i was close to the funeral vault of the on ce proud family not i had disgraced and ruined and acting on a sudden instinct which i could not explain to myself i rose and went towards it it was built in the shape of a small chapel as many of these are it had stained glass windows and bearings and a pair of angels guarded it with uplifted crosses and drooping wings but there was a figure in front of it kneeling at the closed door that was no angel but merely a woman she was slight and clad in poorest garments the evening wind blew her thin shawl about her a sail but the glimmer of the late sunlight on a of nut brown hair that had escaped from its and fell loosely over her shoulders and my heart beat thickly as i looked i knew i felt that woman was i now should i speak to her or should i wait wait till those open air of hers were done and then follow her stealthily and track her out to whatever home she had found in the wilderness of the i pondered a moment and decided on the latter course then crouching behind one of the hard bj i watched her and kept still how long she knelt there and what patience women have they never seem to tire of asking of the god who never hears or if he does hear never answers it must be dull work and yet the do it the sun went down the breeze blew more coldly and at last with a long sigh that was half a moan a sound that came shuddering to me where i was in hiding she rose and with slow rather faltering tread went on her way out of the i followed walking on the grass that my footsteps might not be heard once she turned round i saw her face and seeing it for it was still so fair and child though by grief and made pallid by want and anxiety it was still the face that had my soul and made me mad though i had now discarded that form of madness for another more lasting out into the public we passed she and i one following the other and for more than half an hour i kept her in sight closely the movement of her slender figure as it glided through the throng of street passengers then all suddenly i lost her with a muttered curse i stood still searching about me eagerly on all sides but vainly she was gone was sh a phantom too like what a fool i had been not to at once attack her with a rough speech while she was kneeling at her father s grave it was no sentiment of pity that had held me back from so doing why had i let her go heartily enraged at my own stupidity i sauntered homeward i had changed residence of late for my money was not inexhaustible and as i had refused the additional funds i might have had by right at my father s hands it was well i had already decided to exercise economy i had taken a couple of small rooms decent and tidy enough in their way in a clean and fairly respectable house that is respectable for the poorer quarters of paris it is only recently that i have come to the den where i live now but that is the humour of it leads one down in the social scale so gently step by step so so carefully that one cannot see the end and even for me the end is not yet i in the part of the woods of it | 33 |
is easy to fancy one s self miles away from paris the landscape is gently pleasing and pastoral and to the eyes that are with scenery it will assuredly seem beautiful i found myself there one morning about an hour before noon i had taken a sudden fancy to see the green trees to the of the pines and to watch the light breath of the wind sweep over the grass it just as water is ruffled into varying of delicate and i avoided those avenues where the pretty young girls of paris may be seen with their willing along with downcast eyes and that affectation of perfect innocence which does so charm and subdue the spirits of men until well until they find it is all put on for show to them into the marriage market i strolled into rendered sweeter by the luxury of solitude i though i had the stain of murder on my soul for once felt almost at peace i wandered about and the has his occasional phases of tranquillity like other people tranquillity that is as strange and as overpowering as a sudden in which the tired senses rest and the brain is for the empty of all images and impressions and so i was scarcely startled when pushing aside the boughs that a turn in the pathway i came upon what at first seemed like the picture of a woman reading till at last it resolved itself into substantial fact and form and i recognized st she sat alone on a little rustic bench her face and figure were slightly turned away from me was dressed in black but she had taken her hat and placed it beside her and the sunlight flickering through the boughs above her played fully on her glorious gold hair her head was bent attentively over the book she held her attitude was full of graceful ease and repose and as i watched her from a little distance a sense of sudden awe and fear stole over me i trembled in every limb a good girl mark you i a brave sweet pure minded woman is the most terrific reproach that exists on earth to the evil and wicked man it is as though the deaf blind god suddenly made himself manifest as though he not only heard and saw but with his voice thundered loud accusation many of us i speak of men cling to bad women and give them our admiration and why because they help us to be vile because they laugh at our vices and foster them and we love them for that but good women i tell ou that such are often left and alone because the will not themselves to our brute level we want toys not angels not queens but all the same when the angel or the queen passes us by with the serene scorn of our base passions written in her clear calm eyes we shrink and are ashamed aye if only for a moment s space and she sat there before me unconscious of m presence unconscious that the pure air about her was b the breathing of a murderer and coward for i knew myself to be both these things had given me the spirit of but had deprived me of all true courage is not y t it often passes for such in france poor france fair france dear france i there are some of her sons still left who would ive their life blood to see her rise up in her old glory and be what she once was a queen of nations but alas i it is not because of the german conquest nor because she has had foolish rulers that she has fallen and is still falling it is because the new morals and opinions of the age and accepted by narrow minded superficial and breed in her a nest of and instead of men and your ordinary modern frenchman has too low an estimate of all high to risk his life in fighting for any one of them there are exceptions to the rule certainly there are s exceptions but they are rare so rare that we have let all europe know there is no really strong wise ruling brain in france any more than there is in england one would no more accept m as a representative of the french national intellect than one would accept mr and his as a representative of english the wind the boughs a bird sang softly among the upper cool of leaves and i stood by the foliage nervously hesitating and looking at the sweetest and best woman i had ever known always fond of reading she was and my restless mind flew off to a consideration of what her book might possibly be one might safely conclude it was not by the literary of paris would have no charm for that high proudly delicate bred maiden probably it was one of her favourite or a volume of poems she was a great lover of i heard her sigh a deep fluttering sigh that mingled itself with the low whispering wind she suddenly closed her book and raising her eyes looked out on the quiet landscape away from me my heart beat fast but i resolved to speak to her and with a hasty movement i thrust aside the intervening boughs she started what a pale amazed scared face she turned upon me did she not know me i said again she rose nervously from her seat and glanced about her from right to left apparently searching for some way of escape | 33 |
it was evident she took me for some drunken or impertinent stranger i had forgotten how changed i was i had forgotten that i looked more like a tramp than a gentleman i laughed a little and lifted my hat you do not seem to recognize me i said carelessly yet was once no stranger to you oh what a wondering piteous look she gave me what a speechless sorrow swam suddenly into the large lovely grey eyes she faltered oh no not possible you you oh no no and covering her face with her two fair white hands she broke into sudden weeping m god it would have been well if i could have killed m self then for my heart was touched m hard hard heart that i thought had turned to stone her tears the sincere of a pure woman s grief fell like dew on m burnt and soul and for a moment i was stricken dumb with an aching remorse remorse that i should have voluntarily placed such a chasm of eternal separation between all good things and the accursed me that now seemed to creation rather than belong to it i felt a choking sensation in my throat my lips grew i strove to speak once or twice but failed and she she poor child wept on presently making an to conquer my self i ventured to approach her a step or two more nearly st i said pray pray do not distress yourself like this i was foolish to have spoken to you you were not prepared to see me i have startled alarmed you i am much altered in my looks i know but i forgot pray forgive me she checked her sobs and her tear wet e es turned their lustre full upon me i shrank a little backward but she stretched out her trembling hands it is really you m she murmured oh have you been very ill you look so strange and pale you have greatly changed yes for the worse i know that i interrupted her quietly you could scarcely expect me to improve could you nay did you not yourself curse me not so very long ago and are ou surprised to find the curse fulfilled she sank on the rustic bench she had just quitted and regarded me with an look i cursed you she echoed i oh yes yes i remember i was wicked on that dreadful day of s disgrace and ruin i said hard things to you i know i was full of pain and anger but believe me that very night i prayed for you indeed i have prayed for you always for you and my lost the tenderness her presence had aroused in me suddenly into chill women are curious creatures i said with a bitter laugh they curse a man at noon day and pray for him at midnight that is droll but beware how you couple lovers names together even in prayer your god if he be consistent can scarcely care to attend to such a petition as an instance you see how he has taken care of me her head drooped a shudder ran through her frame but she was silent look at me i went on look why you would not have known me if i had not declared mj self you remember what a he was how and smart and even fastidious in dress a silly young fool for his pains you remember how he never took much thought about anything except to make sure that he did his work ran into no debts acted to all men and stood well with the world he was the creature he believed in the possibility of happiness he loved and fancied himself beloved he was and deceived all such trusting are and he took his and at the hands of fate rather badly but he learnt wisdom at last the wisdom of the wisest he found out that men were and and women and and he resolved to make the best of an bad business and please himself since he could please nobody else and ha has succeeded here he is here am to answer for the truth of his success i am very happy one does not want a new coat to be contented i have heard say that a woman always judges a man by his clothes but if you judge me by mine j ou will do they are shabby i admit but i am at ease in them and the serve me better than a court suit es a i look ill you tell me but i am not ill the face is always a tell tale in matters of and i do not deny that i am dissipated here i laughed harshly as i met her grieved and wondering gaze i live a fast life i with evil men and evil women that is people do not like the her classes pf waste valuable time in pretending to be good i am a an a of the paris i have taken my life in my own hands and torn it up for any dog to and to conclude i am an by which term if you understand it at all you will obtain the whole clue o the mj of my present existence drinking is a sort of profession as well as amusement in paris it is followed by many men both small and great men of distinction as well as i am in | 33 |
excellent company i assure you and upon my word when i think of my past silly efforts to keep in a straight line of law with our s stem of morals and behaviour and compare it with my present freedom from all restraint and responsibility i have nothing positively nothing to regret during this the fair woman s face beside me had grown paler and paler her lips were firmly pressed together her eyes cast down when i had finished i waited expecting to hear some passionate burst of reproach from her but none came she took up her book marked the place in it where she had left off reading put on her hat though i noticed her hands trembled and then rising she said simply adieu i stared at her amazed adieu i i echoed what do yon mean do you think i can let you go without more words than these after so many weeks of separation it was in june i last saw you and it is now close upon the end of september and what a host of have been since then aye and and with an involuntary gesture of appeal i stretched out my hand do g o not yet i want to speak to you i want to ask you a thousand things why she in a mechanical sort of way you say you have nothing to regret i stood mute her eyes now rested on me enough yet with a strained in them that me greatly you have nothing to regret she repeated old days are over for you as they are for me in the space of a few months the best the happiest part of our lives has ended only and she caught her breath hard before i go i will say one thing it is that i am sorry i cursed you or seemed to curse you it was wrong though indeed it is not i that would have driven you to spoil your life as you yourself have spoiled it i know you suffered bitterly but i had hoped you were man enough to overcome that suffering and make yourself master of it i knew you were deceived but i had thought you generous enough to have deceit you seemed to me a brave and gallant gentleman i was not prepared to find your nature weak and and cowardly she hesitated before the last word but as she uttered it i smiled true quite true i said quietly am a coward i glory in it the brave are those that run all sorts of dangerous risks for the sake of others or for a cause the successful results of which they will not be permitted to share i avoid all this trouble i am coward enough to wish comfort and safety for m self i leave the question of honour to the arguing tongues and swords of those who care about it i do not she looked at me indignantly and her large eyes flashed oh god he cried is it possible you can have worm wood fallen so low was not your cruel vengeance sufficient you drove from her home her disgrace which you so publicly proclaimed killed as you know my uncle her father evil and misfortune have been sown by that one malicious act of yours even the wretched has disappeared mysteriously no trace of him can be found and not content with this you ruin and all for what for a child s broken plight a child who as i told you at first was too young to know her own mind and who simply accepted you as her husband because she thought it would please her parents no more she had then no idea no conception of love and when it came she fell a victim to it it was too strong for her slight resistance i warned you as well as i could i foresaw it all i dreaded it for no woman as young and as could have been long in company without being powerfully attracted i warned you but you would see nothing men are so blind they cannot they will not understand that in every woman s heart there is the hunger of love a hunger which must be appeased when you first met she had never known this feeling and you never roused it in her but it woke at the mere glance the mere voice of these things they are always happening one is powerless to prevent them if one could s love where love is advisable but one cannot do so s sin was no more than that of hundreds of other women who not only win the world s pardon but also the of the judges and yet i am sure she has suffered with a intensity than many less innocent but ou you have nothing to regret you say no not though two homes lie wasted and deserted by your now you have your own life too you might have spared that yes you might have spared that you might have left that to god her breast heaved and a wave of colour rushed to her cheeks and as quickly she pressed one hand on her heart you need not she went on have given me cause to ay to even imagine that perhaps my foolish curse did harm to j ou it is a vague reproach that i shall think of often and yet i know i spoke in haste only and without any | 33 |
malicious intent i could not here her voice sank lower and lower i could not have truly cursed what i once loved my heart gave a fierce bound and then almost stood still loved what she once loved had she then loved me a glimmering guess a sort of instinctive feeling that she might have loved me had stolen over me now and then my courtship of her cousin but that she had really bestowed any of her affection on me was an idea that had never occurred to my mind and now we looked at each other she with a strange pale light on her face such as i had never seen there i amazed et conscious of immense loss loss which those words of hers what i once loved made absolute and eternal both vaguely we gazed into one another s e es even so might two spirits one on the gold edge of heaven the other on the red brink of hell and all chaos between them gaze wistfully and wonder at their own fro ward fate aye and such if such there be may lean far out from either sphere stretch hands kisses smile weep cry aloud each other s names and yet no bridge shall ever span the dark division no ray of light connect those self severed souls i stammered and then my voice failing me i was silent she moving where she sat on the rustic seat with the shadows of the green leaves flickering over her her white hands one within the other and lifted her large solemn eyes towards the deep blue sky there is no shame in it now she said in hushed serious accents there is never any shame in what is dead the darkest sin the worst crime is by death and so my love being perished is no longer i have not seen you for a long time and perhaps i shall never see you again one tells many lies in life and ne seldom has the chance of speaking the truth but i feel that i must speak it now i loved you you see how calmly i can say it how because it is past the old heart ache troubles me no longer and i am not afraid of you any more but before i used to be afraid i used to think you must be able to guess my secret and that you despised me for it you loved she was much love than i and i should have been quite contented and at rest had i felt certain that she loved you in return but i never was certain i felt that her affection w as merely that of a playful child for an elder brother i felt sure that she knew nothing of love love such as ou had for her as i had for you but you j ou saw nothing she stopped abruptly for i suddenly flung myself down on the seat beside her and now caught her hands in mine nothing nothing i muttered wildly we men never do see anything we are i flying desperately into all sorts of light and fire and getting burnt and withered up for our pains i you loved me you say you why just for the merest hair s breadth of mercy extended to us i might i are lore you we might have b en happy why do you pray to god how can you pray to him seeing you knowing you hearing ou why did he not save me by your grace as by an angel s he could have done so had he willed it and i should have believed in him then and you why did you not give me one look one word why did you not employ all the thousand charms of your loveliness to attract me why were ou always so silent and cold was that your mode of defence against yourself and me child oh my god what a waste and of life there is in the world listen there are plenty of women who by a thousand and unmistakable signs give us men plainly to understand what they mean and we are only too ready to obey their but you you because you are good and must needs shut up your soul in a prison of ice for the sake what social usage a curse on if i had only known if i could have guessed that i might have sought your love and found it but now i why have told me you beautiful fond foolish woman when it is too late i was breathless with the strange excitement that had seized me though i held myself as much as i could in strong restraint fearing to alarm her by my vehemence but my whole soul was so suddenly overpowered by the extent of the desolation i myself had wrought that i could not check the torrent of words that broke from my lips it me to realize as i did that we two had always been on the verge of love and yet by reason of something in ourselves that refused to yield to the attraction of each other s presence and something in the whim of chance and circumstance w had let love go beyond all possible recall and she oh she was cold and calm or if he were not she had the nerve to seem so all your delicately strung student women are like that so full of fine that | 33 |
not i rose in my turn and confronted her calmly how inconsistent you are i said base i see nothing base in such a proposal to such a woman as your too much loved young cousin she has of her own free will descended several steps of the ladder of no force will be needed to persuade her down to the end you the case i tell ou you shall not harm her exclaimed with a sudden of grief and passion i too have searched for her and i will search for her still more now that i know she must be defended from you oh i will be near you when you least think it i will track i will follow you i i will do anything to save her from the additional of your touch your she paused breathless i smiled do not be ma i murmured coldly it suits ou you look admirably lovely in anger but still we are in the and there may be listeners i shall be charmed if you will follow me and track me out as ou say but ou will find it difficult you cannot save what is hopelessly lost and as for daring how little you know me there is nothing i dare not do nothing save one thing she stood still her eyes dilated her breath coming and going quickly her hands clenched but she said not a word you do not ask what that one thing is i went on keeping my gaze upon her but i will tell you the limit of my courage such as it is stops with you i dare not mark me well dare not you so that however much my heart may ache and hunger for love i dare not love you you are the one sacred thing on earth to me and so j ou will remain for i have voluntarily resigned home and kindred my father has me as completely as i have him and only the memory of your beauty will cling to me henceforth as something just a little less valuable and sweet than i laughed and she surveyed me than she repeated mechanically do not understand no i suppose you do not i went on quietly you will probably never understand how can become dearer to a man than his own life it is very strange but in paris very true you have been in dangerous company to day be thankful you have escaped all harm you have talked of past love and passion to a man who has fire in his veins instead of blood and who had he once let slip the of difficult self control might have thought little of taking his fill of kisses from your lips and killing you afterwards do not look so frightened i dare not touch you i dare not even kiss your hand you are free as angels are free to depart from me in peace and safety with what poor blessing a self ruined man may presume to upon you but do not ask me us to consider as i consider you you might as easily expect me to pardon she was silent think from sheer terror this time and a restless stirred in me an anxiety to find out how much she knew concerning the mysterious disappearance of that once holy saint of the church whom i had sent to find out in other worlds the causes of his creed what has become of him do you think i said suddenly perhaps he is dead how pale she looked how scared and strange perhaps she murmured half perhaps i went on and laughing as i spoke perhaps he is murdered have you ever thought of that it is quite possible and at that instant our eyes met what was my crime in my face i could not tell only know that she uttered a smothered cry an exclamation of fear or horror or both and with a movement of her hands as though she thrust some hideous object from her she turned and fled saw the sunlight flash on her hair like the heavenly above the forehead of an angel i heard the rustle of her dress sweep with a swift shuddering hiss over the long grass that bent beneath her tread she was gone in her haste she had left behind her the book she had been reading and i took it up mechanically it was a translation of it opened of its own accord at a passage she had marked when one is attempting noble things it is surely noble also to suffer whatever it m ay befall us to suffer aye for the grand old this was truth but for modern men what does it avail who attempts noble things nowadays without being deemed half mad for his or her effort and as for suffering there is surely enough of that without going out of one s way in search of it good you are not in favour at this period of time your are as to our advanced condition as christ s christianity so i thought but i took the volume with me all the same it had the signature of st written on its fly leaf in a firm characteristic woman s hand and i had a superstitious idea that it might act like a to shield me from evil folly of course for there is no in earth or in heaven that can defend a man from the part of himself and to that part i had and had no repentance | 33 |
no not though i should have sacrificed the love of a thousand women as fair and pure as this strange girl who had loved me once and whose love i myself had turned into hatred and yet yet i was more awake to the knowledge of my own utter than i had ever been before as with the in my hand and my hat pulled low down over my brows i went by side paths and out of the like the accursed thing i was accursed and for once fully conscious of my curse weeks went past with me their progress was for i lived in a sort of wild nightmare of delirium that could no more be called life than fever is called health i was beginning to learn a few of the heavier attached to the passion that absorbed me and the mere symptoms of those were enough to shake the nerves of many a bolder man than i i drank more and more to drown my sensations sometimes i obtained a result with the required relief but that relief was only temporary the visions that now haunted me were more varied and unnatural in character yet it was not so much of visions i had to complain as impressions these were forcible singular and for example i would be all at once seized by the notion that everything about me was of proportions or the reverse men and women would as i looked at them suddenly assume the appearance of monsters both in height and breadth and again would reduce themselves in the twinkling of an eye to the merest this happened frequently i knew it was only an impression or of the brain images but it was nevertheless troublesome and then there were the crowds of persons i saw who were not real and whom i under the head of but whereas once there was a certain order and method in the manner of their appearance there was now none they rushed before me in masses with faces and gestures that were hideous and therefore my chief aim now was to try and my brain utterly i was tired of the torture and ity its subtle caused me to suffer meanwhile i gained some little distraction by searching everywhere for this was the only object apart from that interested me in the least the rest of the world was the most tiresome sometimes dim and indistinct sometimes brilliant but always always like a thing set apart from me with which i had no connection whatsoever so to my consciousness the summer faded and died and autumn also came to its coloured end in a glory of gold and crimson foliage which fell to the ground almost before one had time to realize its rich be a chill november began attended with pale fog and rain the leaves lately so gay of tint dropped in dead heaps or drifted on the sweeping wings of the blast the little tables outside all the were moved within and the of approaching winter began to loom darkly over paris not that paris ever cares particularly for threatening skies or weather its bright interior life bidding defiance to the day if you have even a very moderate income just sufficient to rent the in paris ou can live more agreeably there perhaps than in other in the world you are certain to have lively colouring about you for no little in paris but is cheerful with painted designs and if you be a woman your admirers will bring you white and in the middle of december arranged with that perfectly fine french taste which is throughout the globe and on a frosty day your will make you i l i no english cook has any idea of while no matter whether you be on the floor of the house you need only look out of window to see some piece of merriment or other for we whatever our faults are merry enough and even when monkey like we tear some grand ideal to bits and throw it in the we always grin over it we dance on graves we snap our fingers in the face of the criminal who is just going to be why not we may as well laugh at the whole human comedy while we can now i for example have never been in england but i have read much about it and i have met many english people and on the whole i am inclined to admire per her people are so wise in their generation when your english lord is conscious of more vices in his composition than there are days in the year he a church and a hospital can an thing be more excellent he becomes virtuous at once in the eyes of the world at large and yet he need never resign one of his favourite little we do not manage these things quite so well in we are even if we are vicious la chose how much better it is to be d to appear good no matter how bad we are and to seem as though all the ten were written on our brows even while we are our neighbour s wife but i i ought to keep to the thread of my story ought i not dear critics on the press you who treat every narrative true or imaginative that goes into print as a treats a leaving nothing on the plate but a fragment of picked bone which you present to the public and call it a review ah take care do not indulge your small private and too openly or you may lose your which though it only pay you at | 33 |
the rate of half a guinea a column and sometimes less is still an occupation the public itself is the supreme critic now its review does not appear in print nevertheless its verdict declares itself with such an amazing weight of influence that the opinions of a few ill paid are the merest beating against the strong force of a again yes what else do you expect of an f i do not think i am more than of or more than of i i will try to be explicit and tell you how pretty line de ended her troubles but i confess i have with the subject purposely why why because i hate yet rejoice to think of it because i dwell on it with loving and with because it makes me laugh with ecstasy and anon weep and tremble and though what i and to whom i address any sort of appeal i cannot explain to you sometimes on the ground i wail aloud oh god god half half despairing and then when the weak is past and the pitiless blank silence of things itself down on my soul as the crushing answer to my cry i rise to my feet calm and myself again know ing that there is no god none at least that ever replies to the shriek of torture or the groan of misery how strange it is that there are some folks who still continue to pray one cold dark evening how i remember every small incident connected with it i was wandering home in mj usual fashion a little more heavily than usual and in a state of sublime indifference to the weather which was wet and when i heard a woman s voice singing in one of the bye streets down which i generally took my way there was something sweet and liquid in the thrill of the notes as they rose upward softly through the mist and rain and could hear the words of the song distinctly ft was a well known chant to the guardian angel these heavenly messengers seem rather idle in the world nowadays y sur ton fiddle men i c est le ardent de pr s de place t les o g favorable a mon d ir et ma a wavering child like pathos in the of the last lines struck me with a sense of familiarity involuntarily i thought of and of the way she used to play the and of the pleasant musical evenings we used to pass all together at the house of the de i sauntered into the street and down it lazily the woman who sang was standing at the side of the and there were a few people about her listening one or two dropped in her timidly outstretched hand as i came close within view of her i stopped and stared doubtful for a moment as to her identity then in doubt no longer i sprang to her side i exclaimed she started and shuddered back from me her face growing paler than ever her eyes opening wide in wistful v and fear the little group that had listened to her song broke up and dispersed they bad no ir interest in her more than ip any other wandering street and in less than a minute we were almost alone i said again then breaking into a laugh i went what has it come to this you the sole daughter of a proud and ancient house singing in the and the for bread one would have thought there were more ways of earning a living for you at any rate you with your fair face and knowledge of evil could surely have done better than this she looked at me but made no answer she was apparently as amazed and stricken at the sight of me as her cousin had been meanwhile i surveyed her with a swift yet intent scrutiny i noticed her shabby almost clothes the thin starved look of her figure the lines of suffering about her mouth and eyes and yet with all this she was still beautiful beautiful as an angel or fairy over whom the cloud of sorrow hangs like on a flower well i resumed after waiting in vain for her to speak we have met at last it seems i have searched for you everywhere so have your relatives and friends you have kept the secret of your hiding place very well all these months no doubt for some good reason who is your lover still the same steadfast look the same plaintive patient of the eyes my lover she echoed after me softly and with surprise if you are as i suppose you must be then you know ou have always known his name whom can i love who can love me if not i laughed again you can love the dead then nay yon fair to waste your beauty thus a corpse can give no caresses and le beau by this time is something less even than a corpse how you stare did you not know that he was dead her face grew grey as ashes and rigid in the extremity of her fear dead i she gasped no no that could not be dead no no you are cruel always were cruel you are the of all cruel men and you tell me lies to torture me you were always glad to torture me yes even after you had loved me i never could understand that for if one loves at all one always and so i do not believe you is not dead | 33 |
he could not die he is too oh little fool i interrupted her fiercely do not the young die the young the strong and the beautiful like your are generally the first to go they are too good say the old women for this wicked world too good ha ha the is excellent in the case of l who was so perfect a saint come here and i seized her hand do not try to resist me or it will be the worse for you one look at my face will tell you what i have become as vile a man as you are a woman both of us on the streets of paris come with me i tell you scream or struggle and as sure as these clouds drop rain from heaven i will kill you i never had much mercy in my disposition i dare say you remember that i have less than ever now there are many things i must say to you things which you must hear which you shall hear come to some place than this where we shall not be noticed where no one will interrupt us or think that we are more than two beggars of the day s gains and clutching her arm i half dragged half led her with me i myself full of a strange rising fury that of madness she almost i think with sheer terror out of the street we hurried and passed into a small obscure side alley or court from the corner of which could be perceived the of the and the lights on the now i said hoarsely drawing her by force up so near to me that our faces were close together and our eyes peering into each other s seemed to out as by fire the secrets hidden in our hearts now let us speak the truth you and i and since you were always the most graceful liar of the two perhaps you had best begin fling off the mask de make open confession and so in part mend the wounds of your soul tell me how you have lived all this while and what you have been doing i know our past i can imagine your present but speak out tell me how paris has treated you what ou were i can remember and all i want to know now is what you are i how strangely quiet she had become this one playful childish creature i had loved she never beneath my gaze she never tried to draw her hands away from mine her features were but her lips were firmly set and no tears the feverish lustre of her eyes what i am she murmured in faint yet clear accents i am what i have always been a poor broken hearted woman who is faithful faithful i flung her hands from me in derision i stared at her amazed at her faithful i echoed you you who with a man s heart as though it were a to you who ruined an honest man s life to gratify a selfish guilty passion you you dare to speak of you stop she said softly and with perfect composure think you do not understand it is seldom men can understand women in selfishness if we speak of that you are surely more to blame than i for you think of nothing but your own wrong a wrong for which god knows would have made any possible and i repeat it i am faithful you cannot you dare not call the woman false who is true to the memory of the only love she ever yielded herself to body and soul she who her life to many lovers she it is who is she it is who is base but not such an one as i for i have had but one passion one thought one hope one thread to bind me to existence you know for i told you all the truth that my love was never upon you you know that i had never to the least comprehension of love till he made me see all its glory all its misery and neither he nor are to blame for our unhappy destiny blame nature blame fate blame god blame love itself the joy the despair of it all was to be i but ah if ever any woman in the world was faithful i am that woman i can keep that one poor pride to comfort me when i die if in these weary months other man s hand had touched mine with a gesture of affection if another man s lips had touched mine with the caress then then you might have me as a vile and fallen thing then you would have had the right to me as i should have myself but i am as one vowed and consecrated yes consecrated to love and to love s companion sorrow and though i have against my wish and will brought grief to you and many who once were dear to me i am faithful faithful to the one passion of my life and i shall be faithful still until the end oh fool i thought as i heard her words fall one b one on the careless air why she might have been a saint for her fearless and holy look she of the corrupt heart and will even she it was she might have been a saint my god for one wild fleeting moment i thought her so for a comparison between her | 33 |
of their own singing the river flows softly and in the early morning when the bells are ringing for mass the scene is fair enough to tempt even a to are j ou weeping ah we always grow sentimental over the scene of our sins we love the spot we are drawn to it by some fatal yet potent fascination and after an interval of absence we return to it with a lingering fond desire to see it once again yes i know knew and even so he in good time still no answer still the same shuddering movement and restless moaning i met him there i pursued i was beginning to take a fantastic pleasure in my own narrative it was night and the moon was shining it must have looked different when you kept your secret for you chose the hours of the day when all your friends and relatives believed you were praying for them at mass like the young saint you seemed to be it was all sunshine and soft wind for j ou but for me well the stars are but sad cold worlds in the sky and the moon has a solemn face in spite of her associations with lovers and so i found there w as something suggestive of death in the air when i chanced upon le beau we spoke together he had strange ideas of the possibility of mingling his love with his sworn duty to the church indeed he seemed to think that god would be on his side if he gave up his altogether and returned to you are j ou in pain that you keep up such a constant moaning but i soon convinced him that he was wrong and that the divine aid was always to be had for the right providing the right was strong enough to hold its own and for the this strong right found its in me we did not quarrel there was no time for that we said what we had to say and there an end life the life of a priest presented itself to me as a to be i attacked he defended it i had no weapon neither had he my hands alone did the work of justice for it must have been justice according to the highest religious else god would not have permitted it and my strength would have been rendered useless by divine now in france they in england they hang them in the east they them it is all one so long as the business of breathing is stopped i remembered this and adopted the eastern method it was hard work i can assure you to a man without rope or it took me time to do it and it was difficult also it was very difficult for him to die oh the cry was like the last exclamation wrung from a creature dying on the rack of torture it was terrible even to me and for a moment i paused my blood chilled by that awful despairing groan but the demon within me urged on my speech again and i resumed with an air of affected indifference all difficulties come to an end of course like everything else and his were soon terminated he died at last i flung his body in the well what now for she suddenly sprang erect and stared at me with a curiously vague yet hunted look like some wild animal meditating an escape you must not leave me yet you have not heard all stand still as you are you look like a young tragic muse you are beautiful quite inspired i almost believe you are glad to know j our is dead i threw his body in the i tell you and a little while afterwards i saw it in the here i begun to laugh involuntarily i swear i should scarcely have known the like again imagine those curved red lips that used to smile at shadows like another all twisted and blue think of the straight limbs livid and swollen to twice their natural size by heaven it was astonishing amusing the of manhood all save the eyes they remained true to the departed soul that had expressed its base desires through them they still uttered the last craving of the out life that had gone love love and as i said this i smiled she stood before me like a stone image so still that i wondered whether she had heard her hair had come and she a of it mechanically love and i i repeated with a sort of sat action in the of the two words that is what those dead eyes said that is what my heart says now love and desired and for a time possessed both at present it is my turn for he is lost in the common among crowds of other self and you cannot find even his grave to weep over yet strange to say i have seen him many times since then the passive form before me stirred and swayed like a slender in a gust of wind and a voice spoke hoarsely and feebly seen what seen whom i answered my brain suddenly darkening with recollections as i spoke and yielding to an involuntary sensation i turned sharply round just in time to perceive the figure of a priest outline itself dimly as though in pale against the dark comer of the narrow built court where we stood there i cried furiously see you there he is creeping along like a coward on | 33 |
some base errand i have not killed him after all there there look he is you she sprang forward her eyes blazing her arms outstretched her lips apart where where she oh no no you torture me all is silence blackness death oh god god is there no mercy and suddenly flinging up her hands above her head she broke into a loud peal of laughter and rushed violently past me out of the court horror or madness lent speed to her flight for though i followed her close i could not get within touch of her the rain and mist seemed to her as she fled till she looked like a phantom blown before me by the wind once in the open one or two passengers stopped and stared after her as she ran and after me too doubtless but otherwise gave no heed to our headlong progress straight on she rushed straight to the which on this wet and dreary night was vacant and solitary i my steps i strained every nerve and to overtake her but in vain she was like a leaf in a storm hurled by temporary insanity she seemed literally to have wings to fly instead of to run but half way across the bridge she paused one flitting and she sprang on the i cried wait she never turned her head she raised her hands to heaven and clasped them as though in then she threw herself forward as swiftly as a bird its way into space one small dull splash echoed on the silence she was gone i reached the spot a moment after she had vanished i leaned over the i peered down into the gloomy water nothing there nothing but blank stillness blank obscurity i muttered little then as i strained my sight over the monotonous width of the river i saw a something lift itself into view a woman s robe blew upwards and like a dark wet sail it round once twice thrice and then it sank again my teeth i clung to the stone to prevent myself from falling and yet a horrible sense of amusement stirred within me the amusement of a it seemed such a ludicrous thing to consider that after all this weak fragile child had escaped me had actually gone quietly away where i could not dared not follow i whispered me what is death like is it easy do you know anything about love down there in the cold remember my kisses were the last on your lips mine not s god himself cannot all eternity cannot alter that they will burn you in hell they will taint ou in heaven those kisses of mine they will part ou f rom ah there is their chief est i you shall not be with him i say you shall and i almost shrieked as the idea flashed across my brain that perhaps after all the poets were right and that lovers who loved and were faithful met in the sight of a god who forgave them their love and were happy together for ev r may the whole space of heaven keep you asunder may the fire of god s breath sow the between you may you wander apart and alone finding paradise empty and all immortality worthless and wearisome every kiss of mine on your lips be a curse a curse by which i shall claim your spirit hereafter gasping for articulate speech the wild left my lips without my my own utterance i was giddy and faint my temples heavily the blood rushed to my brain the the trees the houses the bridge rushed round and round me in dark whirling rings all at once my throat filled with a cold sense of tears my eyes and i broke into a loud sob of agony i cried to the hushed and dreary waters i loved you you broke my heart i you ruined m life you made me what i ami i loved you the wind filled my ears with a dull roaring noise something black and cloudy seemed to rise out of the river and sway towards me the pale stem face of came between me and the skies and with a faint groan and a as of blood in my mouth i lost my hold on thought and action and into utter darkness insensible dull grey lines with of fire between them that into all sorts of tints blue green red and these were the first of light on my sense of vision that roused me anew to consciousness vaguely and without my eyes i studied these little points of flame as they danced to and fro on their grey background then a violent shivering fit seized me and i stirred languidly into my wretched life once more it was morning very early morning and i was still on the lying crouched close to the like any hunted suffering animal the mists of dawn hung heavily over the river and a few bells were ringing lazily here and there for early mass i struggled to my feet pushed my tangled hair from my eyes and strove hard to realize what had happened little by little i my knotted thoughts and grasped at the central solution of their perplexity namely this was drowned even she the little fairy thing that had danced and sung and and of her school at and her love of even she had become a tragic heroine wild as any or how strange it seemed as the critics would say how i for we | 33 |
are supposed to be living in very common place days though truly this is one of the greatest errors the modern wise acres ever indulged in never was there a period in which there was so much fatal of thought and discussion never was there a time in which men and women were so prone to themselves and the world they in habit with more pitiless precision and fastidious doubt and argument and this tendency such e new desires such subtle such marvellous accuracy of perception such discontent such keen yet careless of life at its best that more and are now than ever dreamed of they are performed without very great mat or stage effects for we latter day philosophers hate to give grand names to anything our chief object of study being to destroy all hence we put down a suicide to insanity a murder to some hereditary disposition or wrong balance of in the brain of the murderer and love and all the rest of the passions to a little passing heat of the blood all disposed of quite quietly yet are on the increase so are and love and revenge and hatred and jealousy run on in their old human course caring nothing for the names we give them and making as much as ever they did in the days of caesar to modern however would but seem temporarily insane a nd during that fit of temporary insanity she had drowned herself any way she was dead that was the chief thing i had to realize and to remember but with its usual obstinacy my brain refused to credit it i the mists rose slowly up from the river the church bells ceased ringing a chill wind blew i shuddered at the pure cold air it seemed to my blood i looked at the river and my eyes lighted by chance on a long low flat building not far distant the ah if it were indeed she who had been enough to drown would be taken to the and i should see her there a little patience a day perhaps two days and i should see her there meanwhile i was cold and tired and starved i would go home home if i could walk there if my limbs were not too weak and stiff to support me oh for a draught of that would soon put fire into my veins and warm the of my heart i paused a moment still gazing at the dull water and the dull mists then all at once a curious sick fear began to creep through me an awful that something terrible was about to happen though what it was i could not imagine my heart began to beat heavily i kept my eyes on the scene immediately opposite for while the sensation i speak of mastered me i dared not look behind presently i distinctly heard a low panting near me like the breathing of some heavy creature and my nervous dread grew stronger for a moment i felt that i would rather fling myself into the than turn my head it was an absurd sensation a cowardly sensation one that i knew i ought to control and subdue and after a brief but painful contest with myself i gathered together a slight stock not of actual courage but physical and slowly looked back over my own shoulder then startled and amazed at what i saw i turned my whole round involuntarily and confronted the formidable beast that lay crouched there on the watching me with its sly green eyes and apparently waiting on my movements a of the forest at large in the heart of paris could anything be more strange and i stared at it it stared at me i could almost count the brown velvet spots on its hide i saw its body quiver with the of its quick breath and for some minutes i was perfectly with fear and horror to stir an inch presently as i stood and i heard steps approaching and a appeared some tin which together merrily he whistled as he came along and seemed to be in cheerful humour i watched him anxiously what would he do what would he say when he caught sight of that lying on the bridge his progress onward he marched indifferently and my heart almost ceased to beat for a second as i saw him coming nearer and nearer to the horrible creature what was he blind could he not see the danger before him i strove to cry out but my tongue was like stiff leather in my mouth i could not utter a syllable and lo while my fascinated gaze still rested on him he had passed me passed apparently over or through the animal i saw and dreaded the truth flashed upon me in an instant i was the of my own frenzy and the was nothing but a brain i laughed aloud my coat close over me and drew myself erect as i did this the rose with slow and stealthy grace and when i moved prepared to follow me again i looked at it again it looked at me again i counted the spots on its sleek skin the thing was absolutely real and distinct to my vision was it possible that a brain could produce such seemingly shapes i began to walk rapidly and another peculiarity of my discovered itself namely that before me as i looked i saw nothing but the usual surroundings of the streets and the passing people but behind me i knew i felt the horrible monster at my heels the | 33 |
monster created by my own poisoned thought a creature from whom there was no possible escape the enemies of the body we can physically attack and often physically but the enemies of the the frightful of a disordered imagination these no can cure no subtle touch and yet i could not quite accept the fact of the nervous wrought upon me i saw a boy carrying a parcel of to a neighbouring and stopping him i purchased one of his papers tell me i then said lightly and with a feigned indifference do you see a a great dog following me i chanced upon a stray one on the just now but i don t want it at my lodgings can you see it the boy looked up and down and smiled je ne and nodding to him i strolled away resolved not to look back again till i reached my own abode once there i turned round at the door the was within two inches of me i kept a backward watch on it as it followed me in and up the stairs to my room i shut the door violently in a frantic impulse of hope that i might thus shut it out of course that was useless and when i threw myself into a chair it lay down on the floor opposite me then i realized that my case was one in which there could be no appeal it was no use fighting against the only thing to be done was to try and control the frenzy of fear that every now and then threatened to shake down all reason and for ever and make of me a mere howling i tried to read but found i could not understand the printed page i found more distraction in thinking of and her death if indeed she were dead then all the memory of the fair and innocent came across my mind should i go and tell her that i had had a strange dream in which it seemed as though i had frightened into drowning her self i would wait i would wait and watch the for till i saw her there i could not be sure she was dead anon a fragment of that old song used to repeated itself in my ears men est men est centre nature je n ai ce des j sur la me du i this over and over again to myself till i began to shed tears over my own wretched condition i had brought myself to it but what of that the knowledge did not matters if you know j ou have done ill say the you have gained the greatest possible advantage because knowing your evil you can it very wise in theory no doubt but no use in practice i could not the poisonous from my blood i was powerless to from my sight that repulsive animal that lay before me in such seemingly substantial breathing guise and so i wept weakly and foolishly as a over his emptied and thought vaguely of all sorts of things i even wondered whether notwithstanding my having gone so far there might not yet be a remedy for me why not there was a in paris no man wiser no man kinder but suppose i went to him what would be the result he would tell me to give up give up why then i should give up my life i should die i should be taken away to that terrible unknown country whither i had sent where had followed him and i had no wish to go there i r might meet them so i fancied and it was too soon for such a meeting yet no i could not give up my fairy with the green eyes my love my soul my core the very centre and of my being anything but that i would do gladly but not that never never that how that stared at me as i sat and thinking and pulling at the ends of my moustache in a sort of dull stupor the stupor of mingled illness and starvation for i had eaten nothing since the previous day and though i was faint it was not the of natural hunger that is another peculiarity of my favourite cordial taken in small it may provoke appetite but taken in large and frequent draughts it invariably it the thought of food attracted yet me and so i remained huddled up in my chair engrossed in my own reflections the nervous tears still now and then from my eyes and dropping hke slow hot rain on my closely clenched hands the sound of a note startled me for a moment and sent my thoughts flying off among suggestions of national pride and military glory france france oh fair and radiant france how thou smile on in the faces of such children as are at thy knees to day oh france what glories were thine in old time what noble souls were bom of thee what white flags of honour waved above thy glittering hosts what truth and chivalry beat in the hearts of thy sons what purity and sweetness ruled the minds of thy daughters the brilliancy of native wit of courtesy of polished grace were then the natural of naturally fine feelings but now now what shall be said of thee france who hast suffered to be by and art almost forgetting thy vows of vengeance paris in vice and drowned in luxury her brain on such literature as might make even coarse mouthed and swift day after day night after night the crowd the | 33 |
and the that of all accursed spirits ever to make of man a beast does most swiftly fly to the seat of reason to there attack and it and yet the rulers do nothing to check the spreading evil the world looks on as ever and indifferent and the hateful eats on into the breast of france bringing death closer every day france my france i degraded lost and cowardly as i am too degraded too lost too cowardly to even fight in the lowest ranks for thee there are moments when i am not blind to thy glories when i am not wholly as to thy fate i love thee france love thee with the foolish powerless love that chained and beaten slaves may feel for their native land when from it a love that cannot prove its strength by any great or noble act that can do nothing nothing but look on and watch thee slipping like a loosened jewel out of the blazing of proud nations and watching know most surely that j and such as j have shaken thee from what thou and what thou still be i cry as my patriotic reverie breaks in my brain like a soap in air ah god i start from my chair staggering to and fro my head clasped between my hands lam dreaming again like a fool dreaming and here i am an in the city of and glory is neither for me nor for thee paris thou frivolous lovely dominion of sin and why not sinful and why not god did not answer us when we prayed he was on the side of the and we have found out that when we try to be good life is hard and disagreeable when we are wicked or what consider wicked then we find everything pleasant and easy some people find the reverse of this or so they say well they are quite welcome to be virtuous if they choose i tried to be virtuous once and with me it failed to prove its advantages i loved a woman honestly nd was betrayed another man loved the same woman and kept her faith this was god s doing because everything is done by the will of god therefore you see it was no use my striving to be honest false arguments reasoning not at all i have the logic of an i that again by and bye i began to find a certain wretched amusement in watching the sunlight play on the smooth skin of this attendant and i endeavoured to accept its presence with resignation after a while i discovered that when i remained passive in one place for some time the was brought forward in front of my eyes whereas when i walked or was otherwise in rapid motion it was only to be seen behind me let explain this if they can by learned on the nerve connections between the and the fact remains that the impression created upon me of the actual palpable presence of the animal was distinct and real and though later on i found i could pass my hand through its shining substance the conviction of its reality never left me nor is there much chance of its ever leaving me it is with me now and will probably continue to haunt me to my dying day i walk through paris apparently alone but the huge panting stealthy thing is always close behind me my ears as well as m y eyes testify to its presence i sit in and it lies down in front of me and we the and i stare at each other for hours people say i have a downward look sometimes they ask why i so often give a rapid glance behind me as though in fear or anxiety well it is because i always have a vague hope that this horror may go as suddenly as it came but it never does it never will used to peer behind him in just the same fashion remembered it now and understood it and i idly wondered what sort of creature the fairy had sent to him so persistently that he should have seen no way out of it but suicide now j had the courage of endurance or let us say the cowardice for i could not bear the thought of death it was the one thing that appalled me for i so grasped the truth of the amazing of life everywhere that i knew and felt death could not be a conclusion but only the silence and time needed for the working of another existence and on that other existence i dared not oh if there is one thing i rate at in the universe more than another it is the uncertainty of creation s meaning nature is a great so the declare then why is the chief number in the calculation always missing why is it that no matter how we count and weigh and plan we can never make up the sum total there is surely a fault somewhere in the design and perchance the great unseen silent indifferent force we call god has in a dull moment a vast problem to which he himself may have forgotten the answer during the next two days i lived for the and the only i could not believe was dead till i saw her there there on the wet cold marble where her lover had lain before her i haunted the place i about it at all hours like a thief meditating plunder and at last my patience was rewarded an afternoon came when i saw the carried in from the river | 33 |
s bank with more than usual pity and reverence and i pressing in with the rest of the morbid spectators saw the fair soft white body of the woman i had loved and hated and and driven to her death laid out on the dull hard of stone like a beautiful figure of frozen snow the river had used her tenderly poor little it had her gently and had not her delicate limbs or spoilt her pretty face she looked so wise so sweet and calm that i fancied the cold and muddy must have warmed and brightened to the touch of her drowned beauty yes the river had her had her cheeks and left them pale and pure had kissed her lips and closed them in a happy smile had swept all her dark hair back from the smooth white brow just to show how prettily the blue veins were under the soft transparent skin had closed the gentle eyes and pointed the long dark lashes in a downward sleepy fringe and had made of one little dead girl so wondrous and piteous a picture that otherwise hard hearted women sobbed at sight of it and strong men turned away with hushed footsteps and eyes the very officials at the were they stood apart and looked on solemnly one of them raised the tiny white hand and examined a ring on the finger a not in gold and seemed about to draw it off but on second thoughts left it where it was i knew that ring well had given it to her it was a for which she had always had a sentimental fondness such as girls often indulge in for perfectly worthless i stared and stared i on every detail of that delicate half form and m brain was steady enough to remind me that now now it was my duty to identify the poor little corpse without a moment s delay so that it might be borne reverently to the care of the de and st then it would receive proper and honourable and like shakespeare s would have her maiden and the bringing home of bell and burial but no i put away the suggestion as soon as it occurred to me i took a peculiar delight in thinking that if her body were not identified within the proper interval she too like her lover would be cast into the general ditch of death without a name without a right to memory my and intelligence found a vivid pleasure in the contemplation of such petty and unnecessary cruelty it seemed good to me to spite upon the dead and as i have already told you the brain of a confirmed the most ideas as both beautiful and just if you doubt what i say make inquiries at any of the large lunatic in france ask to be told some of the of who form the largest of brains gone wrong and you will hear enough to form material for a hundred worse histories than mine what can you expect from a man who has poisoned his blood and killed his conscience you may talk of the soul as you but the soul can only make itself manifest in this life through the senses and if the senses are and how can the messages of the spirit be otherwise than and also and so yielding to the devilish working within me i held my peace and gave no sign as to the identity of but i went to the so frequently nearly every hour in fact and stared so long and persistently at her dead body that my conduct at last attracted some attention from the authorities in charge one evening the third i think after she had been laid there an official tapped me on the arm pardon seems to know the corpse i looked at him angrily and though there were a few people standing us i gave him the lie direct you mistake i know nothing he eyed me with suspicion and you seem to take a strange interest in the sight of the poor creature all the same well what of that i retorted the girl dead is beautiful i am an artist i have the soul of and i laughed beauty and i study it wherever i find it dead or living is that so strange but certainly no not at all said the his shoulders and still looking at me only there is just this one little thing that i would say if we could obtain any idea however slight any small clue which we might follow up as to the proper of this so we should be glad she was a lady of gentle birth and breeding we have no doubt of that but the linen she wore was we can find no name anywhere except one contained in a she wore my nerves shook and i controlled myself with what sort of i asked oh a mere trifle of no value whatever we opened it of course it had nothing inside but a withered rose leaf and a small slip of paper on which was written one word that may be the name of a place or a person we do not know it does not help us no it did not help them but it helped me i helped me to keep my rage more firmly fixed upon that helpless smiling looking thing that lay before me in such solemn and chilly a withered rose leaf and the name of that accursed priest these were her sole treasures were they all she cared to save from the of her brief summer time i well well women are | 33 |
strange fools at best and the wisest man that ever lived cannot the mystery of their complex half half angels and one never knows to which side of their natures to appeal we have given a very precise and particular description of the corpse in our went on the but at present it has led to nothing we should be really glad of though it is only a question of sentiment a question of sentiment what do you mean i asked roughly he gave a gesture we have hearts la there is too delicate and pretty to lie in the common o e good god what an absurd the loveliness of a woman can exert on the weak minds of men here was a girl dead and incapable of knowing whether she was lying in the common or any other place of and yet this stern officer of the touched by her looks regretted the necessity of burying her thus harshly and without reverence i laughed carelessly you are very gallant i wish i could assist ou this girl suicide is beautiful as you say i have contemplated her face and figure with much pleasure will you look at her closely he asked suddenly turning a keen glance upon me i perceived his drift he suspected me of knowing something and wanted to me into it cunning rogue i but i was a match for him i shall be charmed to do so i responded with e it be a privilege a lesson in art he said nothing but simply led the way within one minute more and the electric light in a dazzling white over the drowned girl i felt the official s eye upon me and i kept firm but in very truth i was sick sick at heart and a chill crept through all my blood for i was near enough to touch the woman i had so loved i could have kissed her her little white stiff hand lay within a few inches of mine i breathed with difficulty do what i would i could not prevent a slight shiver visibly shaking my limbs and she she was like a little marble goddess asleep poor little then all suddenly the official bent over her corpse and raised it up forcibly bj the head and shoulders i thought i should have shrieked aloud do not touch her i exclaimed in a hoarse whisper it is a he looked at me steadily quite unmoved by my words you are sure you cannot identify the body you have no idea who she was when living he demanded in measured accents i shrank backward as he held the dead girl in that upright attitude i was afraid she might open her eyes i i tell you no i answered with a sort of sullen ferocity no no no lay her down why the devil can you not let her be he gave me another searching look then he slowly and with a certain tenderness laid the body back in its former position and beckoned me to follow him out of the i did so he said this is not a case of murder there is no ground for any suspicion of that kind it is simply a suicide we have many such and surely from your manner and words you could if you choose give us some information why not speak frankly par will you swear that you know absolutely nothing of the woman s identity persistent fool i returned his glance we were in the outer chamber now and the glass screen was once more between us and the corpse so i felt more at ease why oaths are not of such value nowadays in france i answered carelessly our teachers have left us no god so what am i to swear by by your head or my own he was patient this man of the and though i spoke loudly and there were people standing about he took no offence at my levity swear by your honour that is enough my honour ha that was excellent i who had no more sense of honour than a crow by my honour then i said laughing i swear i know nothing of your pretty dead in there j a de no doubt strange that so many men have pity for such even the amiable christ had a good word to say on behalf of these naughty ones what was it yes i remember her sins which are many are forgiven her for she loved much i true love excuses many follies and she the little drowned one is charming i admire her with all my heart but i cannot tell you who she is or to speak more correctly who she was i as i uttered the deliberate lie a sort of electric shock ran through me mj heart leaped violently and the blood rushed to my brows a pair of steadfast sorrowful eyes flashed wondering reproach at me over th heads of the little throng of spectators they were the eyes of st yes it was she she had kept her word she had come to rescue to me of my vengeance on the dead stately pitiful and pure she stood in that cold and narrow chamber her face pale as the face of her drowned cousin her hands outstretched as in a dream i saw the press of people make way for her i saw men take off their hats and remain uncovered as though a prayer were being spoken i saw the official in charge approach her and murmur some respectful inquiry and then | 33 |
then i heard her voice sweet though shaken with tears a voice that sent its penetrating music st to the very core of my wretched and worthless being i come to claim her she said simply addressing herself to the official she is my cousin de only daughter of the late count de we have lost her long and a half sob escaped her lips give her to me now and i will take her oh poor i will take her home her strength gave she hid her face in her hands and some women near her began crying for sympathy it was what cynical people would call a scene and yet somehow i could not mock at it as i would have done the spirit of humanity was here even here among the morbid of the the touch of nature which makes the whole world kin was not lacking anywhere save in me i and more than all was here and in her presence one could not jest one believed in god one always believes in god by the side of a good woman i raised my eyes i was resolved to look at her straight and i did so but only for one second for her glance swept over me with such unutterable horror and agony that i like a slave under the lash i crept out of her sight i away followed by the phantom beast of my own hideous degradation away out into the chill darkness of the winter night defeated defeated of the last drop in my draught of hatred alone under the cold and sky i heaped wild curses on mj self on god on the world on life and time and space while she the angel whose love i had once possessed bore home her sacred dead home to a maiden of flowers by tears and by prayers home to receive the last solemn honours due to innocence what was there to do now nothing but to drink with the death of every other definite object in living had ended i cared for nobody while as far as my former place in society was concerned i had apparently left no blank you cannot imagine what little account the world takes of a man when he ceases to set any value on himself he might as well never have been born or he might be dead he is as equally forgotten and as utterly dismissed i attended s funeral of course i found out when it was to take place and i watched it from a distance it was a pretty scene a sort of white fairy burial for we had a fall of snow in paris that d y and the small coffin was covered with a white pall and all the flowers upon it were white and when the big vault was to admit this dainty burden of death hidden in blossoms its damp and gloomy walls were all covered with wreaths and as though it were a chamber this was the work of no doubt sweet saint she looked pale as a ghost and thin as a shadow that afternoon she walked by the side of the de who appeared very feeble of tread and was draped in black from head to foot i gazed at the solemn from an obscure corner in the and smiled as i thought that i i only had wrought all the misery on this once proud and now broken down family i and if i had remained the same that i once had been if on the night had made her wild confession of shame to me i had listened to the voice of mercy in my heart if i had never met imagine so much hangs on an if m now and then a kind of remorse stung me but it was a passing emotion and it only troubled me when i thought of or saw she was as she now is the one reproach of my life the only glimpse of god i have ever known when was laid to rest when the iron grating of the cold tomb shut grimly down on all that was mortal of the bright foolish child i had first met fresh from her school at this same sweet pale lost all her self control for a moment and with a long sobbing cry fell forward in a among the little frightened attendant and their candles but she recovered speedily and when she could once more stand upright she to the door of the and kissed it and hung a wreath of white roses upon it on which the word i was written in silver letters then she went away weeping with all the rest of the funeral train but i i remained behind hidden among the trees i lay quiet in safety so that when the night came i was still there the of la chaise the place as usual and locked the gates but i was left a prisoner within which was precisely what i desired once alone all all alone in the darkness of the night i flung up my arms in ecstasy this city of the dead was mine for the time mine all these in the clay i was sole ruler of this wide domain of graves i rushed to the shut up marble prison of i threw myself on the ground before it i wept and and swore and called her by every name i could think of the awful silence me i beat at the iron grating | 33 |
with my fists till they i cried no answer oh god she would never answer an call again in the dust i looked up the word with its silvery on s rose flashed on mj eyes like a flame love god or the devil it is one or the other it is the thing that rules the universe it is the only deity we can never love oh madness tell me women and men tell me whether love rules yo lives most for good or most for evil can we not get at the truth of this if we can then we shall know the secret of riddle for if love lead us most to evil then the hidden force of creation is a if it lead us most to good then then we have a god to deal with and i fear me much it is a god after all i shudder to think it but i am afraid afraid for if god exists then they all the dead creatures i know whose spirits haunt me they are happy wise victorious and immortal while i i am lower than the insect that in the mould and is blind to the sun i must not dwell on this i must not look back to those hours passed outside s tomb for they were horrible once as the night i saw l he leaned against the pillars of the vault and barred my way with one uplifted hand i could not fight him a creature of the mist and air but his face was as the face of an angel and its serene triumph filled me with impotent fury he had won the day i was his not mine god had been on his side and death instead of conquering him had given him the victory one day weeks after s burial i was very ill i could not move at all the power of my limbs was gone such a strange weakness and sick fever beset me that i did nothing but weep for sheer helplessness it was a sort of temporary it passed away after a while but it left me terrified and when i got better a droll idea entered my brain i would go to confession i who hated priests would see what they could tell me for once i would find out whether religion or what was called religion had any saving grace for an i was miserable at the time a fit of the most intolerable depression had laid hold upon me moreover i had been foolishly hurt by to see my father walking along with his new partner the man he had adopted in my place a fine handsome pleasant dashing looking fellow and he my father had seemed perfectly happy yes perfectly happy he had not seen me probably he would not have known me if he had he leaned upon the arm of his new son and laughed with him at some jest or other he had forgotten me or if he had not actually forgotten he was determined to appear as though he had i thought him cruel i blamed fate and everything and everybody except myself who had wrought my own that is the way with many of us we get and deliberately into mischief then we look about to see on which one of our fellow creatures we can lay the fault open confession is good for the soul says some or other i determined to try it for a change and my should be good old p re i wondered i had never thought of him before he might have been some comfort to me for he was an honest christian and therefore he would not be likely to turn away from any penitent however fallen and degraded but was i penitent of course not i i was miserable i tell ou and i wanted the relief of myself to some one who would not repeat what i said i was not sorry for anything i was only tired and s made nervous by the beast that followed me as well as by other curious and frightful fiery wheels in the air great glittering birds of prey down with outstretched to clutch at me of green in the ground into which it seemed i must fall headlong as i walked these were common but i began to dread madness as i had never dreaded it before and the more i considered the matter the more determined i became to speak to p re who had known me from boyhood it might do me good there were miracles in the church who could tell and so one evening i made my way up to the little well remembered chapel the place where if all had gone smoothly i should have been married to the altar where had assisted his too confiding uncle at early mass everything was very quiet there were flowers about and the sacred lamps of were burning clearly a woman was sweeping out the i recognized her at once it was old she did not know me she looked up as i entered but finding no doubt my appearance the reverse of she resumed her task with increased vigour save for her and myself the church was empty after waiting a little i went up and spoke to her does m the cure hear this evening she stared at me and crossed herself then pointed to the bell i she was always and cross this old i tried her again it is not the | 33 |
risen from his knees and now confronted me his features pallid with woe and wonder pardon me i said and forced a smile not well i have nervous i suffer from too much i am a victim to pleasure self indulgence is an agreeable thing but it has its consequences which are not always agreeable it is nothing a mere passing but now good father as you have said your prayers and i hope gained much benefit thereby may i ask if ou have no word for me it is the duty of a priest i believe if he cannot give to at least penance he met my glance with a stern sorrow in his own eyes the tears were still wet on his cheeks the secret of your crime is safe with me i was all he said and turned away i hastened after him is that all i asked half he stopped and looked at me once more the agony depicted in his face would have touched me had my heart not been harder than all he exclaimed passionately is it not the all you need you tell me you murdered the unhappy you of all men in the world and why have you told me simply to weigh me down to the grave with the awful burden of that hidden knowledge you have no regret or remorse you speak of what you done with the most horrible and to talk of penance to you would be to outrage its very name for god s sake leave me leave me to the wretchedness of my lonely old age leave me while i have strength to let you go i am but human your presence me i have no force to bear more his voice failed him he made a slight gesture of dismissal and i do you not think i am miserable i said angrily what a set of you are you and my father and the whole fine christians truly always pitying yourselves i have you no pity for the old cure drew himself up the dignity and pathos of his grief making his homely figure for the moment majestic i pity you god knows he said solemnly i pity you more than the lowest pitiable thing that breathes a man with the curse of upon his soul a man without a heart without a conscience without peace in this world or hope in the next as christ lives i pity ou but do not expect more of me than pity i am a poor frail old man lacking in all the virtues of the saints and i cannot heaven help me i cannot forgive you and his voice shook as waving me back with one hand he walked feebly to the door of the i cannot christ have mercy upon me i cannot i have no strength for that the poor child the wretched no no i cannot forgive not yet god must teach me to do that god must help me of my own accord i cannot on a sudden impulse i flung myself on my knees before him i cried remember you knew me as a child you loved me as a boy you are my father s friend think i am a wreck a lost soul will you let me go without a word of comfort he stood his face pale as death his lips quivering the struggle within him was very bitter his breath came hard and fast he too had loved that beautiful after a pause he raised his shaking hand and pointed to the there there he muttered go there and pray as a man i dare say nothing to you as a priest i say god help you i poor old his christian heroism was sorely tried he drew his garment from my touch the door opened and shut he was gone i sprang to my feet and looked about me i wa s alone in the church alone and face to face with the the great gaunt bleeding figure with the down dropped head and crown go there and pray what i i an kneel at a never it could do me no good i knew whatever miracle it might work on others poor old i had made him miserable poor simple silly feeble soul god help he had said not god pardon you he knew the eternal code of justice better than to use the word pardon i should scarcely have thought he had so much firmness in him so much manhood it was not in human nature to easily forgive such a criminal as i and he in spite of his had been true to human nature i honoured him for it human nature is a grand thing sometimes noble sometimes mean sometimes dignified sometimes abject what an amazing phase of creation it is and though so human how full at odd intervals of the divine the is its for man at his best is an ideal and when he reaches this point of perfection the rest of bis race hang him up on a cross like a criminal in the sight of the centuries to mock at to worship now and then and to sneer at still more frequently for says the world look at this fool i he professed to be able to live a nobler life than we and see where we have nailed him and i passed the dead christ with an indifferent shrug and smile as i stumbled out | 33 |
of the quiet church into the chill air of the night and thought how little the christian creed had done for me it had perhaps persuaded to pity me and to say god help me but what cared i for pity or a vaguely divine assistance i had better material wherewith to deal and humming the fragment of a tune i sauntered down to the and there as a suitable wind up to my religious evening got dead drunk on i the time that immediately followed that night is a to me i have no recollection at all of anything that happened for i was very ill during the space of a whole month i lay in my bed a prey to violent fever and delirium so i was told afterwards i knew nothing the people at my lodgings got alarmed and sent for a doctor he was a good fellow in his way and took an scientific interest in me when i recovered my senses he told me what i knew very well before namely that all my sufferings were due to excessive indulgence in you must give it up he said at once and for ever it is a detestable habit a horrible of the who are positively in blood and brain by reason of their passion for this poison what the next generation will be i dread to think i know it is a business to break off anything to which the system has grown accustomed but you are still a young man and you cannot be too strongly warned against the danger of continuing in your present course of life moral force is necessary and you must exert it i have a large medical practice and cases like yours are common and as much on the increase as amongst women but i tell you frankly no medicine can do good where the patient refuses to employ his own power of resistance i must ask you therefore for your own sake to bring all your will to bear on the effort to overcome this fatal habit of yours as a matter of duty and conscience duty and conscience i smiled and turning on my pillows stared at him curiously he was a quiet self possessed man of middle age rather good looking with a calm voice and a reserved manner duty and conscience i murmured languidly how well they sound those good little words and so doctor you consider me in a bad condition he surveyed me with a cold professional air i certainly do he answered if it were not for the fact that you have the forces of youth in you i should be inclined to pronounce you as were i to your state do so i beg of you i interrupted him eagerly me by all means i am fond of science he looked at me and felt my pulse watch in hand science is in its infancy he said especially medical science but some few facts it has entirely mastered and so speaking without any reserve i must inform you that if you persist in drinking you will become a hopeless your illness has been a sort of god send it has forced you to live a month under my care without a drop of that infernal liquid and a certain benefit has been the result so that in a you are prepared to be cured but your brain are still heavily charged with the poison and a violent irritation has been set up in the nerve your blood is and its flow from the heart to the brain is irregular sometimes violently interrupted a state of things which naturally produces and fits of delirium which resemble strong such a condition might make you subject to of an unpleasant kind just so i interposed lazily and with all your skill doctor you have not got rid of that brute down there he started and gazed in the direction to which i pointed where plain and to my eyes the lay on my bed not below it its great yellow f resting close to my feet what brute he demanded bringing his calm glance to bear upon me once more and again pressing his cool firm fingers on my throbbing pulse i explained in a few words the hateful delusion that had troubled me so long his brows and he seemed perplexed no cure for me i asked indifferently noting the expression of his face i do not know i cannot tell he answered hurriedly such persistently marked is generally the symptom of existing disease i had hoped otherwise but you had hoped it was merely temporary i said ah i understand but if disease has actually begun what is the remedy he hesitated come speak and i raised mj self on my pillows impatiently you need not be afraid to give an opinion there is no remedy he replied reluctantly disease of the brain is it can only be care good food quiet and total from any sort of poison this can and probably check any fresh symptoms in some cases a normal condition can be attained which very nearly approaches complete cure more than this would be impossible to human skill thanks i murmured lying back on my bed a ain you are very good i i will think over what you say though to tell you the truth it seems to me quite as agreeable to be mad as sane in this monotonous world he moved away from me to the table where he sat down and wrote a i noted his appearance his sleek head his well fitting clothes the clean pale business looking hand that guided the pen i said with a laugh in all the range of your experience | 33 |
did you ever know an give up even for the sake of duty and conscience he made no answer he merely took up his hat looked into the crown of it bowed slightly and took his departure a couple of weeks later on i was able to rise from my bed and about again and then it was that i found i was getting very short of money my illness had cost me dear and i soon recognized that i should have to my already poor apartment for one in some still cheaper and lower quarter and i should have to do something for a living something if it were but to beg for pence something even to obtain the necessary wherewith to purchase and one day the weather being warm and sunny i w into the gardens and sat there pondering on my own fate turning over th and of my miserable existence and wondering what i should do to enable myself to live on for worthless as my life was worthless as i knew it to be i did not want to die i had not the necessary courage for that all at once like a rainbow of hope in a dark sky there came to me the thought of st her fair and presence seemed to pass a holy vision before my sight and in my weak and state the tears rushed to my eyes at the mere remembrance of her womanly truth and sweetness her voice with its soft musical seemed bo float towards me nay i even fancied i heard the of the she played so well echoing faintly through the quiet air i would go to her i thought would go while i was crushed and broken down by the effects of my illness i would tell her all and plead for pity for pardon i would ask her to help me to save me from myself as only a good woman god s angel on earth ever can save a wretched man and if she wished if she commanded it i would yes i would actually give up for her sake she should do with me what she would my wrecked life should be hers to as she chose i rose up hastily the tears still in my eyes and leaning on a stick for i was unable to walk without this support i made my way with painfully slow steps towards the house of the de charm for all i knew the and her niece might not be there they might have gone south for the winter still i felt that i must make an attempt however futile to see the only creature in the world who could just at this juncture in my life possibly even now be my there were a great many people in the streets everything looked bright and suggestive of pleasure the sunshine was brilliant and the were crowded with happy children sporting in the merry go rounds and driving in the pretty goat carriages while their nurses and mounted tender guard over their innocent i thought i had never seen paris wear such a beautiful aspect r gentle mood was upon me was sorrowful yet not despairing and though i was not actually of any remorse for all the evil i had wrought i was conscious of a faint yearning desire to the last little spark of my better nature had roused itself into a feeble glow and it kindled within me a sense of shame a touch of late and useless i little knew how soon this nobler fire was to be in darkness i little guessed what swift vengeance the wild witch can take on any one of her who dares to dream of her inexorable authority i and by and by my faltering movements brought me to the familiar street the well known stately mansion where i had so often been a welcome guest in happier days the gates stood open but there was something strange about the aspect of the place that made me rub my eyes and stare in vaguely stupid wonder what dark delusion had seized upon me now the gates stood open as i said and the circumstance that awoke in me such dull confusion and amazement was that the of the hall door were also flung wide apart and the whole entrance was hung with of black with white heavy that mournfully like drooping down to the ground below again i rubbed my eyes violently i could not believe their testimony they had so often deceived me was this a i advanced hesitatingly i ascended the steps i approached those dreary black and touched them they were real and the hall beyond them was dark and solemn the gleam of a few tall candles sparkling here and there like in a tomb no one noticed me though there were many people passing in and out they were dressed in black and moved softly they pressed handkerchiefs to their eyes and wept as they went to and fro many of them carried flowers gradually the meaning of the sombre scene dawned upon me this was what is called in france a a laying out of the dead in state an opening of the doors to all comers friends or foes that they may be enabled to look their last on the face they loved or hated a yes i but for whom who was dead the answer flashed upon me at once it was the and unhappy de who had gone the way of all flesh of course it must be she of husband and child what more natural than | 33 |
that she should have wearied of life and longed to join her lost loved ones and fresh tears sprang to my eyes as i realized the certainty that this was so poor soul i remembered her quiet grace and dignity her charming manners her yet sweet maternal ways her invariable kindness and gentleness to me when i was her son in law in and now she was no more she had sunk down broken hearted to the grave and in her death i felt that i too had the most cruel share wretched man that i am i thought as i leaned feebly against the great staircase up and down which the visitors were going and returning i am accursed and only can free me of my curse my emotion by an effort i addressed a maid servant who passed me at the moment she is dead i asked in hushed accents alas yes she is dead and the girl broke into tears as she spoke and hurried away i waited another minute or two then gathering up my strength i ascended the stairs slowly with the rest of the silent tip toe treading the smell of fresh incense mingling with the heavy perfume of lilies was towards me as i came nearer and nearer the chamber which was now turned into a high altar for death s service a glimmer of white caught my eyes white flowers all white strange white pure white was for those who died young and the pretty of an old french passed through my memory involuntarily la rose la du la la qui on les de et du de s le le du des roses i another step another hush hush what still faced angel was that among pale and in frozen sleep i dashed aside the silken like a madman i rushed forward i shrieked dead on the ground in wild agony i clutched of the flowers with which her funeral couch was strewn i groaned i sobbed i i could have killed myself then in the furious frenzy of my horror and despair i cried again and again wake speak to me curse me love me oh god god you are not dead not dead i the fair face seemed to smile serenely i am safe was its mute expression safe from evil safe from sorrow safe from love safe from you i have escaped your touch your look your voice and all the bitterness of ever having known you and being now grown wise in death i pardon i pity leave me to rest in peace shaken by sobs of mortal agony i gazed upon that maiden image of sweet wisdom and repose the loose gold hair to its full rippling length caught from the sunlight through the window pane the fringed white eyelids fast closed in eternal sleep were delicately as though some finger tips had passed them down the hands were folded meekly across the bosom where a knot of virgin lilies wept out fragrance in of tears dead dead why had death taken her why had god wanted her god who has so many saints why could he not have spared her to the earth which has so few dead and with her had died my last hope of good ray last chance of rescue and buried my head again among the funeral flowers and wept as i had never wept before as i shall never have sufficient heart or conscience in me to weep again suddenly a hand touched me gently on the shoulder the voice was that of a stranger the accent spanish and i looked up in sullen wrath who was it that dared thus to intrude upon my misery a man stood beside me a dark creature with soft brilliant brown eyes eyes that just then were swimming in tears his whole face expressed emotion and sympathy and in one hand he held a he again murmured gently let me entreat of you to restrain your grief it the people who come to render their last homage it them i see you we are alone in this room the others are afraid to enter pray pray do not give way to such distraction she was happy in dying her health had declined for some time and she was glad to go and her death was beautiful it was the quiet falling asleep of innocence his look his words his manner bewildered me you saw her die i muttered you you she passed away with her hand in mine he answered softly and as he spoke he took up a cluster of flowers from the couch and kissing them laid them again in their former position i rose to my feet trembling violently a sombre wrath gaining possession of my soul and who are you i said why are you here i am the he replied and then i recollected this was the very about whose performances had used to be so enthusiastic t came hither because she sent for me he continued i travelled all the way from russia she wanted me it was to give me this before she died and he touched the he held her her chief est treasure and she had bestowed it upon a sickening suspicion arose in me and almost choked my utterance what bond had there been between her the dead and this man the musical of a mob s capricious favor what if she had not died innocent after all were you her lover i demanded he drew back | 33 |
amazed with a gesture of mingled pain and her lover i you can jest in the presence of death i love art not women i stared at him in anger the dead girl before us held some secret hidden behind her closed eyes and set smiling lips a secret i to but she i said she must have loved you to have given you that and i pointed to the his dark face lightened into a grave smile a new and sudden interest flashed in his eyes but he was otherwise unmoved i do not see that at all he murmured she knew i would value such a gift that it would be more precious to me than to any one else in the world and that is why she was so anxious i should have it still she may have loved me secretly as many other women have loved me never thought of that yet it is possible it was her music i cared for she played and her this is a treasure beyond price ah what sounds i will from it i laid it by her side to day i had a fancy that some message from the other world might steal into it from her dead presence and make its tone more deep more thrilling more absolutely perfect and pure i advanced upon him in rough haste something in my eyes must have startled him he slightly but i went close up and laid my burning hands upon his shoulders be i gasped hoarsely is this the place or time to talk your art have you no soul except for sound she loved you i feel it i know it i am sure of it she loved you yes you never knew it i dare say men never do know these things but see what she has done for you she has left her spirit with you there in that you hold her graceful fancies her noble thoughts her tenderness her you have it all imprisoned there all to come forth at your bidding when you play she will speak to you caress you teach you help you comfort you and i i hate you for it i hate you for now i know she never would have pitied me never would have loved me again as she loved me once for in dying she had no thought for me she only thought of you on whom fortune smiles w from day to day judge then how i hate you how i cannot do otherwise than hate you for she has given you all and left me nothing nothing my god nothing and with a savage cry i flung him from me and rushed from the room not daring to look again on the white angel face of that dead woman who smiled with such triumphant sweetness with such indifferent coldness on my desperate despair i saw people make terrified way for me as i ran i heard some one exclaim that i was mad with grief but i paid no heed whether i was recognized or not i neither knew nor cared out into the street i plunged as it were into the thick of the by could i not lose myself i wildly thought could i not myself from sight and sense and speech and action was there not some deep wide open grave into which i could fall and there be covered in before i had time to suffer or struggle oh for a sudden death without pain oh for a swift to this bitterness in my blood this heavy aching of my heart sick to the very of misery i for days in feverish agony agony that was blind desperate hopeless helpless what stood beside me then what horrid voices shouted in my ears how strange and the half formed creatures that followed me and mouthed at me in uncouth speech scarcely intelligible how the murdered man came and looked at me as at some foul thing how fair and pale with a dying sweetness in her smile drifted by me finely fairy like as a cloud in summer time and ah god how the soft large eyes of beamed piteous wonder and reproach upon me like bland stars shining solemnly on a criminal in his cell those eyes those eyes they tortured me their chilled me their pure and lustre me they were angels eyes and their holy innocence scared and shook me to the soul oh that horrible time oh those dreary wild dark days and nights of utter loss and blank wretchedness that frightful space of torment in which every nerve in my body seemed torn and by devils how i was able to live through it i cannot tell and when like all other things it wore itself out at last when i grew calm with the dreadful calmness of sheer and exhaustion then then i realized it all and my witch gave me a clue to the whole mystery there was a god yes actually a god a great terrific cruel awful being and he in all his had set himself against me he whose proud will the growing universe he had arrayed his mighty forces of heaven and hell against one miserable of earth and the wheels of life time and eternity were all whirled into motion to grind me a worm down to destruction one would think it a waste of power on god s part but he would seem to be most particular | 33 |
in trifles note how carefully he tints the rose from deepest crimson to tenderest pink how he drops the on a village full of harmless souls asleep what infinite pains he has bestowed on the and hue of the s all to make of a useless bird with a harsh voice a perfect marvel of colour and brilliancy and what a deaf ear he turns to the shriek of the murderer s victim who will account for these things in nature s plan it is useless for any good pious folks to tell me that my miseries are my own fault what have i done i pray you save drink i have poisoned my brain and blood well but how small the seed from which such grim results have sprung jam not to blame if the creator has done his work badly if he has made the brain so delicate and the spirit so that its quality and comprehension vanish at the touch of nothing but it i a plant as well as a and god made it god gives us plenty of it in our lives as well as in our liquor and the tell us bitterness is very wholesome everything is god s work even evil and when with the aid of my life s i grasped this fact thoroughly i saw it was no use offering any more resistance to fate for i was left without the smallest of hope the little spark of in me had been revived too late and throughout the whole drama no one had thought of me i had died thinking of had drowned with the name of her lover on her lips and even had bestowed her last word her last looks not on me but on a comparative stranger a mere musical god s meaning was made plain i was left to my own devices it was shown me distinctly that my life was without interest to any one but myself i accepted the hint as it was so it must be and i did as had done before me killed the last of my flickering conscience in me with a final blow and became what i am i and what am i my dear friends i have told you an i et simple i am a thing more abject than the lowest beggar that through paris for a i am a shuffling beast half monkey half man whose aspect is so vile whose body is so shaken with delirium whose eyes are so that if you met me by chance in the day time you would probably shriek for sheer alarm but you will not see me thus daylight and i are not friends i have become like a bat or an owl in my hatred of the sun it shone when h was lying dead i have not forgotten that at night i live at night i creep out with the other obscure things of paris and by my very presence add fresh to the moral in the air i gain pence by the meanest errands i help others to vice and whenever i have the opportunity i draw down weak youths mothers to the brink of ruin and them over if i can for twenty you can purchase me body and soul for twenty i will murder or steal all true a are for they are the degradation of paris the of the city the slaves of a mean madness which nothing but death can cure death that word reminds me i have the means of death in my power and yet i cannot die strange is it not a little while ago i came upon one of my class in dire distress he had been a noted in his day but he is nothing now nothing but an who suffers grinding physical when he has no money wherewith to purchase what has become the life blood of his veins i found him in a fit of rag e rolling in his garret and howling on all mankind he was just in the mood to do what i asked of him it was a trifle a mere friendly exchange of i gave him the for which he so desperately and in return he prepared for me a little of liquid crystal clear as a diamond harmless looking as a small draught which if once i have the courage to swallow will give me an instant exit from the world imagine it i shall not suffer i am told first a then a darkness and that is all i take it out often that little glittering of death i look at it i wonder at it for it is the key to the eternal secret but i dare not drink its contents i dare not i tell you i am afraid horribly afraid any condemned criminal is than i for the longer i live the more i realize that this death is not the actual end there is something afterwards and it is the afterwards that me life is precious yes even my life surrounded with darkened with delirium by vice and misery as it is it is precious i know its best and worst its value and i can measure it and scorn it i can laugh at it and love it i can play with myself and it as a tiger plays with its torn and bleeding prey and knowing it i cling to it i do not want to be hurled into what i do not know some day | 33 |
perhaps when a blind dark fury my brain when clutch at me and sense and memory into chaos then i may drink the fatal draught i bear about with me but i shall be truly mad when i do too mad to realize my own act i shall never part with life or while the faintest glimmer of reason remains in me be sure of that i love life especially life in paris i love to think that i and my in are a blot and a dis ace on the fairest city under the sun i love to on the stupidity of our rulers who though gravely forbidding the sale of to the general public permit the free enjoyment of everywhere i watch with a scientific interest the mental and moral of our young men and i take a pride in helping them on to their i love to ideas to argue to mock at virtue to at faith and to morbid sentiments into the minds of those who listen to me and i smile as i see how la t is dying out and how content the is to before the honest beer bred it is a grand sight and we are a glorious people just the sort of beings who are constituted to and make mouths at per and capture mild english in mistake for german all is for the best let us drink and dream and dance and and let the world go by let us make a mere empty boast of honour and play off sparkling against purity let us encourage our writers and to pen our painters to repulsive our public men to talk loud our women to practise all the of and i but with this let us never forget to be enthusiastic when we are called upon to sing the how does it go de la liberty tes la k tes accents tes ton et just let us always liberty though we are slaves to a vice lift up your voices good countrymen in chorus i un sang only let us roar this loudly enough with frantic tossing of arms and waving of with of trumpets with tears and embraces and we shall perhaps by noise and if by nothing else convince ourselves if we cannot convince other nations that france is as great as pure and as powerful as she was in her lily days of old we can shut our eyes to her intelligence her beaten condition her cheap her passive her gross we can cheat ourselves into believing that a nation can on poison we can do anything so long as we hold fast to the and the mere and we scarcely trust them but nevertheless they are our last chance of safety france is france still but the conqueror s tread is on her soil and we we have borne it and still can bear it we have we forget what should we want with victory we have i the end i i s series xi or by i this is a strange tale well told the mystery in which upon the death of a man who has been deprived of which he has been in the habit of eating such causing his death the tale is more than ordinarily interesting and the heroine is a strong and admirable creation while the dialect of the principal characters is rugged but full of poetic fancies extremely refreshing and at times strikingly eloquent review cloth f z oo paper cover cents bon man by hall the is a powerful tale showing how a motive of revenge is into sympathy and loving forgiveness is the final from the resentment of wrong past earthly cure the leaves a deep impression upon its readers philadelphia cloth f z oo paper cover cents a of tbe people by l t is a strong well written story full of action and and with the interest extremely well sustained truth is stranger than fiction and that which may be in reality a record may bear the semblance of pure sensation it is of a higher rank than the common run of current fiction san chronicle cloth f z oo paper cover cents l by twenty prominent is just what its name a collection of short stories by twenty prominent among whom are b l w k l b g m and others most of the stories have appeared in the english magazines but they will be new to most american readers exchange cloth z oo paper cover cents states company n y s series a a flame by mr has prepared a new surprise for his many readers in this book after them with journeys to th moon to the bottom of the sea and the of he has now worked a miracle in himself and changed from the who wrought arch into seeming facts to a charming of historical in which serious and facts are clothed in charming style state s n the scene is in canada and the plot one of the many struggles between the french and english for the control of the country cloth oo a sovereign an by the first and principal story in this book by this favorite author is an amusing history of a sovereign tracing it from the date of through many intricate it is a characteristic and well told tale and will well pay for the reading cloth z o b in tbe by author of the first is one of the novels of the day the author goes out of the beaten track and leads her readers into some delightful by ways and lanes the | 33 |
whose title had been stop you are going to hell religion of every sort was at by those among whom her lot was cast the name of christ was only used as a convenience to swear by and therefore this mysterious smiling gently inviting marble figure was incomprehensible to her mind as if i could pray she repeated with a sort of derision then she looked at the broad silver coin in her hand and the sleeping baby in her arms with a sudden impulse she dropped on her knees whoever you are she muttered addressing the statue above her it seems youve got a child of your own perhaps you ll help me to take care of this one it isn t mine i wish it was anyway i love it more than its own mother does i you won t listen to the likes of me but if there was a god anywhere about ask him to bless that good soul that s lost her baby bless her with all my heart but my blessing ain t good for much ah and she surveyed anew the virgin s serene white countenance you look just as if you understood me but i don t believe you the hired baby tj do never mind ive said all i wanted to say this time her strange petition or rather discourse concluded she rose and walked away the great doors of the church swung heavily behind her as she stepped out and stood once more in the muddy street it was steadily a fine cold penetrating rain but the coin she held was a against outer and she continued to walk on till she came to a where for a couple of pence she was able to the infant s long ago emptied feeding bottle but she purchased nothing for herself she had starved all day and was now too faint to eat soon she entered an and was driven to cross and at tiie great station brilliant with its electric lamps she paced up and down outside it several of the by and imploring their pity one man gave her a penny another young and handsome with a flushed face and a look of his boyhood still about him put his hand in his pocket and drew out all the loose it contained to three and an odd and dropping them into her outstretched palm said half gaily half boldly you ought to do better than that with those big eyes of yours she drew back and shuddered he broke into a coarse laugh and went his way star f the hired baby ft where he had left her she seemed for a time lost in wretched reflections the wailing cry of the child she carried roused her and it softly she murmured yes yes darling it is too wet and cold for you we had better go and acting suddenly on her resolve she hailed another this time bound for court road and was after some dreary set down at her final destination a dirty alley in the worst part of seven entering it she was hailed with a shout of laughter from some rough looking men and women who were standing round a low gin shop at the comer here s cried one here s and the kid now old fork out how much ave yer got treat us to a drop all round walked past them steadily the conspicuous curve of her upper lip came into full play and her eyes flashed but she said nothing her silence exasperated a haired cat faced girl of some seventeen years who more than half drunk sat on the ground clasping her knees with both arms and rocking herself lazily to and fi o mother cried she mother you re wanted here s come back with yer as if her words had been a powerful to summon forth an evil spirit a door in one of the the hired baby miserable houses was thrown open and a stout woman nearly naked to the waist with a swollen and most hideous countenance rushed out furiously and darting at shook her violently by the arm where s my she where s my gin out with it out with my and none of your ways with me a bargain s a bargain all the world over you re a with my baby yer know y are pays yer a deal better than yer old trade don t say it don t yer knows it do not find such a sickly kid an it s the sickly pays an moves the arts of the ladies and good gentlemen this with an that excited the laughter and applause of her hearers you ve got it cheap i kin tell yer an if yer don t pay up lar there s others that ll take the chance and thankful too she stopped for lack of breath and spoke quietly it s all right mother she said with an attempt at a smile here s your shilling here s the four for the gin i don t owe you anything for the child now she stopped and hesitated looking down tenderly at the frail creature in her arms then added almost it s asleep now may i take it with me to night mother who had been te n l the baby had given her by biting them with her large yellow teeth broke into a loud laugh take it with yer i like that take it with then with her huge red arms she added with a grin tell yer if yer likes to pay me a crown yer can ave it to an welcome another shout of merriment burst from the drink spectators of the little scene and the girl crouched on the ground removed her hands from her knees to clap them loudly as she exclaimed well done mother | 33 |
one doesn t let out at night for nothing t ought to be more expensive than day time the face of had grown white and rigid you know i can t give you that money she said slowly i have not tasted bit or drop all day i must live though it doesn t seem worth while the child and her voice softened involuntarily is fast asleep it s a pity to wake it that s all it will cry and fret all night and and i would make it warm and comfortable if you d let me she raised her eyes and anxiously will you mother was evidently a lady of an disposition the simple request seemed to drive her near frantic she raised her voice to an absolute the hired baby scream thrusting her dirty hands through her still hair as the proper accompanying gesture to her will i will i she will i let out my for the night for nothing will i no i won t see yer into the middle of next week lor a ow an mighty we are u be sure the ll be quiet with you miss will it an it will cry an fret with its mother will it deed and at every sentence she approached more nearly increasing in fury as she advanced yer low d ye think i d let yer ave my for a hour unless yer paid for t as it is yer pays far too little i m a honest woman as works for my an drinks reasonable better than you by a long sight with your stuck up airs a pretty you are gi me the ye an t no business to keep it a longer and she made a at s shawl oh don t hurt it pleaded such a little thing don t hurt it mother stared so wildly that her blood shot eyes seemed from her head it t i a right to do i likes with my it well i never look ere and she turned round on the assembled neighbours she a lar one she don t care for th va n the hired baby not she she s back a child from its mother and with that she made a fierce attack on the shawl and succeeded in dragging the infant from s reluctant arms thus roughly from its the poor set up a feeble wailing its mother enraged at the sound shook it violently till it gasped for breath the little beast she cried why don t it choke an ave done with it and without the terrified of she flung the child roughly as though it were a ball through the open door of her lodging where it fell on a heap of dirty clothes and lay motionless its wailing had ceased oh baby baby exclaimed in accents of distress oh you have killed it i am sure oh you are cruel cruel oh baby baby and she broke into a passion of sobs and tears the looked on in unmoved silence mother gathered her torn garments round her with a gesture of defiance and the air as though she said any one who wants to with me will get the worst of it there was a brief pause suddenly a man staggered out of the gin shop the back of his hand across his mouth as he came a built ill favoured brute with a shock of red hair and small like eyes he stared the hired baby at the weeping then at mother finally from one to the other of the who stood by s the row he demanded thickly s up ave it out fair joe ll stand by an see fair game fire away my fire fire away and with a idiot laugh he into the pocket of his torn trousers and produced a pipe filling this leisurely from a greasy with such unsteady fingers that the tobacco dropped all over him he lit it repeating with increased thickness of utterance s the row ave it out fair it s about your joe cried the girl jumping up from her seat on the ground with such force that her hair came tumbling all about her in a dark mist through which her thin eager face peered has gone crazy she wants your to and she screamed with sudden laughter eh eh fancy wants a to the joe and sucked the stem of his pipe with apparent relish then as if he had been engaged in deep meditation on the subject he removed his smoky from his mouth and said w y not wants a to all right let er ave it w y not at these words looked up the hired baby her tears but mother darted forward in indignation yer great drunken fool she to her aren t yer ashamed of let out yer a whole night for it s lucky got my wits about me an i say shan t ave it there now the man looked at her and a dogged resolution darkened his repulsive countenance he raised his big fist clenched it and hit straight out giving his wife a black eye in much less than a minute an i say she shall ave it are ye now in answer to this mother might have said that she was all there for she returned her husband s blow with interest and force and in a couple of seconds the happy pair were engaged in a stand up fight to the intense admiration and excitement of the inhabitants of the little alley every one in the place thronged to watch the and to hear the oaths and curses with which the battle was accompanied in the midst of the a bent old man who had been sitting at his door rags in a basket and apparently taking no heed of the around him made a sign | 33 |
to take the kid now he whispered nobody ll notice i ll see they don t come ye thanked him by a look and rushing to the house where the hired baby the child still lay seemingly on the floor among the soiled clothes she caught it up eagerly and hurried away to her own poor garret in a tumble down at the end of the alley the infant had been stunned by its fall but under her tender care and rocked in the warmth of her caressing arms it soon recovered though when its blue eyes opened they were full of a bewildered pain such as may be seen in the eyes of a shot bird my pet my poor little darling she murmured over and over again kissing its white face and soft hands i wish i was your mother lord knows i do as it is you re all got to care for and you do love me baby don t you just a little little bit and as she renewed her embraces the tiny creature uttered a low sound of baby satisfaction in response to her a sound more sweet to her ears than the most exquisite music and which brought a smile to her mouth and a pathos to her dark eyes rendering her face for the moment almost beautiful holding the child closely to her breast she looked cautiously out of her narrow window and perceived that the fight was over from the shouts of laughter and that reached her ears joe had evidently won the day his wife had disappeared from the field she saw the little crowd most of those who composed it entering the the hired baby gin shop and very soon the alley was comparatively quiet and deserted by and by she heard her name called in a low voice she looked down and saw the old man who had promised her his protection in case mother should her is that you jim come upstairs it s better than talking out there he obeyed and stood before her in the wretched room looking curiously both at her and the baby a faced being was jim as he was familiarly called though his own name was the aristocratic and singularly one of james he was more like an animal than a human creature with his straggling grey hair beard and sharp teeth like from beneath his upper lip his profession was that of an area thief and he considered it a sufficiently respectable calling mother has got it this time he said with a grin which was more like a joe s blood was up an he her nigh into a she ll leave ye quiet now so long as ye pay the hire lar ye ll have joe on yer side if so be as there s a bad day ye d better not come home at all i know said but she s always had the money for the child and surely it wasn t much to ask her to let me keep it warm on such a cold night as this jim looked meditative makes ye the hired baby care for that so much he asked tain t sighed no she said sadly that s true but it seems something to hold on to like see what my life has been she stopped and a wave of colour flushed her features from a little girl nothing but the streets the long cruel streets and i just a bit of dirt on the pavement no more flung here flung there and at last swept into the all dark all useless she laughed a little fancy jim never seen the nor i said jim biting a piece of straw it must be powerful fine with but green trees an a an a there ain t many there though i m told went on scarcely him the baby seems to me like what the country must be all harmless and sweet and quiet when i hold it so my heart gets peaceful somehow i don t know why again jim looked he waved his bitten straw ye ve had ye met no man like ye could care trembled and her eyes grew wild men she cried with bitterest scorn no men have come my way only brutes the hired baby jim stared but was silent he had no fit answer ready presently spoke again more softly jim do you know i went into a great church today worse luck said jim church ain t no use as fur as i can see there was a figure there jim went on earnestly of a woman holding up a baby and people knelt down before it what do you s pose it was can t say replied the puzzled jim are ye sure twas a church most like twas a no no said twas a church for certain there were folks praying in it ah well growled jim much good may it do em i m not of the sort a woman an a did ye say don t ye get such notions into yer head women an are common enough too common by a long chalk an as for to em jim s utter contempt and incredulity were too great for expression and he turned away wishing her a good night good night said softly and long after he had left her she still sat silent thinking thinking with the baby asleep in her arms listening to the rain as it heavily like falling on a coffin lid she was not a good woman far from it her very motive in the infant at so much a day was entirely in the hired baby it was simply to gain money upon false by exciting more pity than would otherwise have been bestowed on her had she begged for herself alone | 33 |
without a child in her arms at first she had carried the baby about to serve as a mere trick of her trade but the warm feel of its little helpless body against her bosom day after day had softened her heart towards its innocence and pitiful weakness and at last she had grown to love it with a strange intense passion so much that she would willingly have sacrificed her life for its sake she knew that its own parents cared nothing for it except for the money it brought them through her hands and often wild plans would form themselves in her poor tired brain plans of running away with it altogether from the roaring devouring city to some sweet humble country village there to obtain work and devote herself to making this one little child happy poor poor bewildered heart broken ignorant london heathen as she was there was one fragrant flower in the desert of her soiled and wasted existence the flower of a pure and love for one of those little ones of whom it hath been said by an all pitying divinity unknown to her suffer them to come unto me and forbid them not for of such is the kingdom of heaven the dreary winter days crept on and as they drew near christmas in the streets q the hired baby the strand grew accustomed of nights to hear the plaintive voice of a woman singing in a and pathetic manner some of the old songs and and dear to the heart of every englishman the banks of water the daughter sally in our alley the last rose of summer all these well loved she sang one after the other and though her notes were neither fresh nor powerful they were true and often tender more particularly in the but still melody of home sweet home windows were opened and freely on the street who was accompanied in all her wanderings by a fragile infant which she seemed to carry with especial care and tenderness sometimes too in the bleak she would be seen her way through mud and mire setting her weary face against the bitter east wind and patiently singing on and women coming from the gay shops and stores where they had been christmas toys for their own children would often stop to look at the baby s pinched white features with pity and would say while giving their spare poor little thing is it not very ill while her heart with sudden terror would exclaim hurriedly oh no no it is always pale it is just a little bit weak that s all and the kindly touched by the large despair of her dark eyes would pass on the hired baby i and say no more and christmas came the birthday of the child christ a feast the sacred meaning of which was unknown to she only recognised it as a sort of large and somewhat dull bank holiday when all london devoted itself to church going and the eating of roast beef and the whole thing was incomprehensible to her mind but even her sad countenance was brighter than usual on christmas eve and she felt almost gay for had she not by means of a little extra starvation on her own part been able to buy a wondrous gold and crimson bird suspended from an elastic string a bird which up and down to command in the most lively and artistic manner and had not her hired baby actually laughed at the clumsy toy laughed an and weird httle laugh the first it had ever indulged in and had laughed too for pure gladness in the child s mirth and the bird became a sort of uncouth charm to make them both merry but after christmas had come and gone and the melancholy days the last of the failing pulse of the old year slowly and heavily away the baby took upon its wan a strange expression the expression worn out and suffering age its blue eyes grew more solemnly and dreamy and after a while it seemed to lose all taste for the petty things of this world and the low desires of mere j the hired baby lay very quiet in s arms it never cried and was no longer and it seemed to listen with a sort of mild approval to the tones of her voice as they rang out in the dreary streets through which by day and night she patiently wandered by and bye the bird too fell out of favour it jumped and glittered in vain the baby surveyed it with an unmoved air of superior wisdom just as if it had suddenly found out what real birds were like and was not to be deceived into accepting so poor an imitation of nature grew uneasy but she had no one in whom to confide her fears she had been very regular in her to mother and that lady kept in order by her bull dog of a husband had been of late very contented to let her have the child without further interference knew well enough that no one in the miserable alley where she dwelt would care whether the baby were ill or not they would tell her the more sickly the better for your trade besides she was jealous she could not endure the idea of anyone touching or tending it but herself children were often she thought and if left to themselves without doctors stuff they recovered sometimes more quickly than they had thus soothing her inward as best she might she took more care than ever of her frail charge herself that she might it though the baby seemed to care less and the hired baby less for necessities and only submitted to be fed as it were under patient and silent protest and | 33 |
tide was full up she paused a deep toned iron voice rang through the air with solemn melody it was the great bell of st paul s midnight the old year was dead straight home she repeated with a beautiful expectant look in her wild weary eyes my little darling yes we are both tired we will go home home sweet home we will go the cold face of the baby corpse she held she threw herself forward there followed a sullen deep splash a slight struggle and all was over the water against the steps heavily heavily as before the policeman passed once more and saw to his satisfaction that the coast was clear through the dark veil of the sky one star looked out and for a brief instant then disappeared again a clash and of bells startled the brooding night here and there a window was opened and figures appeared in to listen they were ringing in the new year the festival of hope the birthday of the world but what were new years to her who with white face and arms that embraced an infant in the grip of death went drifting drifting solemnly down the dark river unseen of all those who awoke to new hopes and aspirations on that first morning of the hired baby had gone gone to make her peace with god perhaps through the aid of her hired baby the httle soul she had so fondly cherished gone to that sweetest home we dream of and pray for where the lost and bewildered on this earth shall find true welcome and rest from grief and exile gone to that fair far glory world where the divine master whose words still ring above the tumult of ages see that ye despise not one of these little ones for i say unto you that their angels do always behold the face of my father which is in heaven the lady with the a dream or a delusion it was in the that i first saw her or rather her picture painted her so i was told but the name of the artist scarcely affected me i was absorbed in the woman herself who looked at me from the dumb canvas with that still smile on her face and that burning cluster of clasped to her breast i felt that i knew her moreover there was a strange attraction in her eyes that held mine fascinated it was as though she said stay till i have told thee all a faint blush tinged her cheek one loose of fair hair fell on her half uncovered bosom and surely was i dreaming or did i smell the of on the air i started from my reverie a slight tremor shook my nerves i turned to go an artist carrying a large and painting materials just then approached and placing himself opposite the picture began to copy it i watched him at work for a few moments his strokes were firm and his eye the lady with the accurate but i knew without waiting to observe his further progress that there was an something in that pictured face that he with all his skill would never be able to as had done if indeed were the painter of which i did not then and do not now feel sure i walked slowly away on the threshold of the room i looked back yes there it was that fleeting strange appealing expression that seemed to call to me that half wild yet sweet smile that had a world of pathos in it a kind of troubled me a of evil that i could not understand and vexed with myself for my own foolish i hastened down the broad staircase that led from the picture galleries and began to make my way out through that noble hall of ancient in which stands the beautiful and the world famous the sun shone brilliantly numbers of people were passing and suddenly my heart gave a violent throb and i stopped short in my walk amazed and incredulous who was that seated on the bench close to the reading who if not the lady with the clad in white her head slightly bent and her hand clasping a bunch of her own flowers nervously i approached her as my steps echoed on the marble pavement she looked up her gray green eyes met mine m that slow wistful smile that was so sad the lady with the confused as my thoughts were i observed her and the ethereal delicacy of her face and form she had no hat on and her neck and shoulders were uncovered struck by this peculiarity i wondered if the other people who were passing through the hall noticed her i looked around me not one by turned a glance in our direction yet surely the lady s costume was strange enough to attract attention a chill of horror quivered through me was the only one who saw her sitting there this idea was so alarming that i uttered an involuntary exclamation the next moment the seat before me was empty the strange lady had gone and nothing remained of her but the strong sweet of the she had carried with a sort of sickness at my heart i hurried out of the and was glad when i found myself in the bright paris streets filled with eager pressing people all bent on their different errands of business or pleasure i entered a carriage and was driven rapidly to the grand hotel where i was staying with a party of friends i from speaking of the curious sensations that had overcome me i did not even mention the picture that had exercised so weird an influence upon me the brilliancy of the | 33 |
at the quaint old just within my reach and prayed as she desired slowly slowly slowly a light came into her eyes she smiled and waved her hands towards me in farewell she glided backwards towards the door and her figure grew dim and indistinct for the last time she turned her now radiant countenance upon me and said in thrilling accents write fiddle i cannot remember how the rest of the night passed but i know that with the early morning rousing myself the lady with the from the stupor of sleep into which i had fallen i hurried to the door of the closed it was i pushed it boldly open and entered the room was long and lofty but destitute of all furniture save a battered looking worm eaten that leaned up against the damp stained wall i approached this of the painter s art and examining it closely perceived the name cut roughly yet deeply upon it looking curiously about i saw what had nearly escaped my notice a sort of hanging cupboard on the left hand side of the large central bay window i tried its handle it was unlocked and opened easily within it lay three things a on which the marks of long were still faintly visible a dagger with its blade almost black with and the silver sticks of a fan to which clung some of yellow lace i remembered the fan the lady with the had carried at the theatre and i together her broken story she had been slain by her artist lover slain in a sudden fit of jealousy ere the soft colours on his picture of her were yet dry murdered in this very and no doubt that hidden dagger was the weapon used poor her frail body had been cast fi t m the high rock on which the stood into the wild cold waves as she or her spirit had said and her cruel lover had carried wc j the lady with the her so far as to a against her by writing on that block of stone full of pitying thoughts i shut the cupboard and slowly left the closing the door noiselessly after me that morning as soon as i could get mrs alone i told her my adventure beginning with the very first experience i had had of the picture in the needless to say she heard me with the utmost incredulity i know you my dear she said shaking her head at me wisely you are full of fancies and always dreaming about the next world as if this one wasn t good enough for you the whole thing is a delusion but i persisted you know the was shut and locked how is it that it is open now it is nt open declared mrs though fm quite willing to believe you it was come and see i exclaimed eagerly and i took her upstairs though she was somewhat reluctant to follow me as i had said the was open i led her in and showed her the name cut on the and the hanging cupboard with its contents as these convincing proofs of my story met her eyes she shivered a and grew rather pale the lady with the come away she said nervously you are really too horrid i can t bear this sort of thing for goodness sake keep your ghosts to yourself i saw she was vexed and and i readily followed her out of the barren forlorn looking room scarcely were we well outside the door when it shut to with a sharp click i tried it it was fast locked this was too much for mrs she rushed downstairs in a perfect of terror and when i found her in the breakfast room she declared she would not stop another day in the house i managed to calm her fears however but she insisted on my remaining with her to brave out whatever else might happen at what she persisted now in calling the haunted in spite of her practical theories and so i stayed on and when we left we left all together without having had our peace disturbed by any more of an nature one thing alone troubled me a little i should have liked to the word from that stone and to have had carved on it instead but it was too deeply engraved for this however i have seen no more of the lady with the but i know the dead need praying for and that they often suffer for lack of such prayers though i cannot pretend to explain the reason why and i know that the picture in the is not a though it is called one it is the portrait of a faithful woman d e the lady with the and her name is here written as she told me to write it fiddle a vision of loveliness a dream of beauty yes she was all this and more she was the very of ethereal grace and dainty delicacy the first time i saw her she was queen of a fairy her hands grasped a so light and sparkling that it looked like a rod of her tiny waist was encircled by a of moss glittering with dew and a crown of stars encircled her fair white brow innocent as a snow she looked with her sweet serious eyes and falling golden hair yet she was a mere on the stage of a great and successful theatre an whose gestures were simple and unaffected and therefore perfectly fascinating and whose smile at the huge audience that nightly applauded her efforts startled sudden tears out of many a mother s eye and caused many a fond father s heart to grow heavy with pity for was only six years old only | 33 |
six had glided gold of the little head that now wore its wreath of stars and scarcely had the young limbs learned their use than they were twisted tortured and cramped in all those painful positions so bitterly known to students of the a very promising child the wealthy manager of the theatre had said noticing her on one of the training days and observing with pleasure the grace with which lifted her tiny rounded arms above her head and pointed her miniature foot in all the approved methods while she smiled up into his big fat face with all the fearless confidence of her age and sex and so the promising child advanced step by step in her profession till here she was promoted to the honour of being announced on the great staring outside the theatre as the wonderful child and what was dearer far to her simple little soul she was given the part of the fairy queen in the grand christmas of that year a in which it was her pride and pleasure to be able to summon and flower with one wave of her magic and she did it well too never could or sway with prettier dignity or sweeter gravity never did hi h commands issuing from the lips of mighty sound so effective as s tremendous utterance you naughty to yon dark wood you ll all be punished if you are not it this word pronounced with almost tragic emphasis in the of baby voices was perhaps one of the greatest in s small of effects though i think the little song she sang by herself in the third act was the point of pathos after all the scene was the forest by moonlight and there danced a pas round a giant with stage playing upon her long fair curls in a very picturesque manner then came the song the was hushed down to the utmost softness in order not to drown the little notes of the tiny voice that so yet so the refrain i see the light of the burning day shine on the hill tops far away and gleam on the rippling river follow me follow me soon back to my palace behind the moon where i reign for ever and ever a burst of the applause always rewarded this effort on the part of little who replied to it by graciously kissing her small hands to her audience and then e x due gravity on the most serious piece of professional work she had to do in the whole course of the evening this was her grand dance a dance she had been trained and tortured into by an active and energetic french mistress who certainly had every reason to be proud of her tiny pupil the boards as lightly as a swallow she leaped and sprang from point to point like a bright tossing in the air she performed the most wonderful always with the utmost grace and and the final attitude in which she posed her little form at the conclusion of the dance was so artistic and withal so and fascinating that a positive roar of admiration and greeted her as the curtain fell poor little my heart was full of pity as i left the theatre that night for to give a child of that age the capricious applause of the instead of the tender and protection of a mother s arms seemed to me both cruel and tragic some weeks elapsed and the flitting figure and wistful little face of still haunted till at last with the usual that many of my sex i wrote to the manager of the theatre that boasted the wonderful child and frankly giving my name and a few other particulars i asked him if he could tell me anything of the s and history i waited some days before an made answer came but at last i received a very courteous letter from the manager in question who assured me that i was not alone in the interest the child had awakened but that he had reason to fear that the promise she showed thus early would be by the extreme delicacy of her constitution he added en that he himself was considerably out of pocket by the s capricious health that she had now been absent from the boards of his theatre for nearly a week that on making he had learned that the child was ill in bed and unable to rise and that he had stopped her salary and provided a substitute an older girl not nearly so who gave him a great deal of trouble and vexation he mentioned in a that the s real name was m that she was the daughter of a broken down writer of and that her mother was dead her only female relative being an elder sister whose character was far from he gave me the s address a bad street in a bad neighbourhood and assuring me that it was much better not to concern myself at all with the matter he concluded his letter his advice was sensible enough and yet somehow i could not follow it it is certainly a worldly wise and safe course to follow that of never into the of your unfortunate fellow across the t o of life it trouble it prevents your own feelings from being and it is altogether a comfortable doctrine but the sweet plaintive voice of the haunted my ears the serious child face with its frame of golden curls got into my dreams at night and at last i made up my mind to go accompanied by a friend to that questionable street in a still more questionable neighbourhood and make after the s health after some trouble i found the dirty lodging house to which i had been directed and stumbling up a very dark flight of stairs | 33 |
i knocked at a door and asked if miss m was at home the door was flung suddenly wide open and a pretty girl of some seventeen years of age with a quantity of fair hair falling loosely over her shoulders and large blue eyes that looked heavy and tear swollen demanded in a somewhat hardened tone of voice well what do you want my companion answered a lady has come to know how your little sister is the one that acts at the theatre i then stepped forward and added as gently as i could i heard from mr the manager that the child was ill is she better the girl looked at me steadily without replying then suddenly and as if with an effort she said come in we passed into a dark and dirty room ill smelling and scarcely furnished at all and while i l was trying to distinguish the objects in it i heard the sound of a feeble singing could it be the s voice that sounded so far away so faint and gasping i listened and my eyes filled unconsciously with tears i recognized the tune and the refrain follow me follow me soon back to my palace behind the moon where i reign for ever and ever where is she i asked turning to the fair haired girl who stood still regarding me half she nodded her head towards a comer of the room a comer which though very dark was still sheltered from any draught from either window or door and there on a miserable bed lay the poor little fairy queen tossing from side to side her eyes wide open and with feverish trouble her lovely silken hair tangled and and her tiny hands and themselves mechanically and almost fiercely but as she tossed about on her miserable pillow she sang if such a feeble wailing might be called singing i turned from the sight to the elder girl who without waiting to be asked said she has got the doctor says she cannot live over to morrow it s all been brought on through over work and excitement and bad food can t help it i know she has never had enough to eat i am often il self father drinks up every penny that we earn it s a good thing think that will get out of it all soon i wish i were dead myself that i do and here the hardened look on the pretty face suddenly melted the defiant flash in the eyes softened and flinging herself down by the little she broke into a passion of sobs and tears out poor poor httle i prefer to pass over the remainder of this scene in silence suffice it to say that i did what i could to the physical sufferings of poor little and her unfortunate sister and before leaving i earnestly entreated the now quite softened and still sobbing elder girl to let me know whether her sister grew better or worse this she promised to do and leaving my name and address i kissed the hot little forehead of the fallen fairy queen and took my departure the next morning i heard that the child was dead she had died in the night and with her last fluttering breath she had tried to sing her little fairy song and so the human n had floated away from the stage of this life where fairy land is only the dream of poets to the unknown country to the island valley of where never wind blows loudly thinking of her as i write i almost fancy i see a delicate on rainbow flitting past me i almost hear the sweet child voice rendered powerful and pure by the breath of immortality singing softly follow me soon back to my palace behind the moon where i reign for ever and ever and who shall assert that she does not reign in some distant region the little queen of a chosen court of child angels for whom this present world was too hard and sorrowful my wonderful wife an in smoke the hired my wonderful wife chapter i she was really a wonderful woman i always said so she me with a smile she my frail and trembling soul with a glance she took such utter possession of me from the very moment i set eyes on her that i had no longer any will of my own in fact to this day i don t know how i came to marry her i have a idea that she married me i think it is very likely knowing as i know now what a powerful sweeping away of all obstacles sort of intellect she has but when i first saw her she was a glorious girl one of those fine girls don t you know with plump shoulders round arms ample bosom full cheeks good teeth and quantities of hair a girl with go and pluck and plenty of style just the kind of creature for a small mild rather nervous man like me she had just come back from the where she had brought down a superb with a single shot from her gun and all the glow of my wonderful the scotch breeze was about her and all the scent of the and seemed to come out in from her and fringe she talked ye gods how she talked she laughed till the excess of her immense vitality made me positively envious she danced with the vigour and swing of a danced till my brain swung round and round in wild to the excitement of her ceaseless for she never tired never felt faint never got giddy not she she was in sound health mark you sound and splendid physical condition and had appetite enough for two ordinary men of middle size | 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her to let him build her gowns all the rival sent her their and free of charge the various makers of soap entreated her to use their different specimens regularly every morning the offered her and she was very nearly becoming a professional beauty as well as a crack shot and literary genius yes i know genius is a big word but if did not have genius then i ask what did she have what active demon or of possessed her but i anticipate i have just remarked that she was at this time nearly becoming a professional beauty and in that character might possibly have gone on the stage there to get rid my wonderful wife of some of that amazing energy of which she had such a but that stepped in and cut matters short by marrying her yes i suppose i did marry her i must have done so though as i before hinted it seems to me that she was the imperative and i the passive party in the arrangement i know my in church at the marriage service were very and that hers were so distinctly uttered that they echoed through the and almost frightened me by their decisive but she always had a voice good lungs you know not a touch of consumption there it was a pretty wedding people said it may have been i know nobody looked at or thought of me i was the least part of the ceremony the bride was everything the bride always is everything and yet the bridegroom is an absolute necessity he is wanted is he not the affair would not go on well without him then why is he as a rule so ignored and despised by his friends and relatives at his own wedding this is one of the problems of social life that i shall never never understand we had a great number of presents my wife of course had the most and one among her numerous marriage gifts struck me as singularly it was a cigar and ash tray in oak and silver very prettily engraved with her and it c ma my wonderful wife friend she had been staying with in the when she had brought down the with the which now tipped with silver were destined to adorn the entrance hall of our new house when we were driving away from the scene of our and endeavouring to shield ourselves from the shower of rice that was being through the carriage windows by our over zealous i remarked that was a singular gift for you my darling from mrs of she must have meant it for me which demanded abruptly she never wasted words the cigar and ash tray i replied singular and the newly made partner of my joys and sorrows turned upon me with a brilliant smile in her fine eyes not singular at all she knows i smoke smoke a feeble or gasp of astonishment came from my lips and i fell back a little in the carriage smoke you smoke you you she laughed aloud smoke i should think so why you silly old boy didn t you know that haven t you smelt my tobacco before now real here you are and she produced from her pocket a look my wonderful wife ing leather case with silver full of the finest golden hair brand so approved by and having at one side the usual supply of rice paper wherewith to make she rolled up one very as she spoke and held it out to me have it she asked carelessly but i made a sign of protest and she put it back in the case with another laugh very rude you are she declared very you refuse the first made for you by your wife this was a and i felt it keenly i will take it presently i stammered nervously but but my darling my sweetest girl i do not like you to smoke don t you and she surveyed me with the utmost sorry for that but it can t be helped now you smoke ive seen you at it yes yes do but i am a man and and and i am a woman finished and we twain have just been made one so i have as much right to smoke as you old boy being part and parcel of you and we ll enjoy our cigars together after dinner cigars yes or which you please it doesn t matter in the least to me i m accustomed to both i sat dumb and bewildered i x my wonderful wife the position i stared at my bride and suddenly observed a masculine in her countenance that surprised me a determination of chin that i wondered i had not noticed before a vague feeling of alarm ran through me like a cold shiver had i made a mistake after all in my choice of a wife and was this fine creature this splendidly developed vigorously healthy specimen of womanhood going to prove too much for me i from my own painful thoughts i had always laughed to scorn those men who allowed themselves to be mastered by their wives now was also destined to become a laughing stock for others and should also be ruled with the female rod of iron never never never i would rebel i would protest but in the meantime well i was just married and as a perfectly natural consequence i dared not speak my mind my wonderful wife chapter ii that evening the evening of my marriage day i beheld a strange and remarkable spectacle it was after dinner in our private sitting room we had engaged apartments at a very charming hotel down at where we meant to pass the and my wife had just left me saying she would return | 33 |
in an instant i drew a chair up to the window and gazed at the sea and after a little while i felt in my pocket and pulled out my cigar case i looked at it affectionately but i resisted the temptation to smoke i made up my mind that i would not be the first to suggest the idea to for if she had fallen into such an vice then it was clearly my duty as her husband to get her out of it here some readers may say well if you didn t mind her going about with a you ought to have been prepared for her having other masculine accomplishments as well now just allow me to explain i did mind her going about with a gun i minded it very much but then i was always an old fashioned sort of fellow with old fashioned notions i am trying to break myself of them by degrees and one of these notions was a deep respect and m my wife homage for the ladies of the english aristocracy i believed them to be the ne of everything noble and grand in woman and i felt that whatever they did must be right and not only right but perfectly well bred since it is their business and to furnish models of excellent behaviour to all their sex and when was still miss and made her mark as a she was only the example for i read it in the society papers of three of the most exalted ladies of title in the land moreover i thought that after all it was merely a high spirited just to show that she could on occasion shoot as well as a man i felt quite sure that when miss became mrs william is my name she would to speak lay aside the gun for the needle and the game bag for the household linen such was my limited conception of the female temperament and intelligence but i know better now and since i have learned that the highest ladies in the land smoke as well as shoot well i will not say openly what i think i will merely assure those who may be interested in my feelings on the subject that i have now no old fashioned partiality whatever for such aristocratic personages let them do as they like and sink to whatever level they choose only for heaven s sake let them not be taken as the best examples we can show of england s wives and my wonderful wife mothers several persons who have recently their opinions in the columns of the daily telegraph all honour to that blessed journal which so wide and liberal a pasture land for sheep like souls to upon have smoking for women as a perfectly harmless and innocent tending to promote pleasant good fellowship between the sexes all i can say is let one of these special marry an woman and try it the evening of one s marriage day is not exactly an evening to quarrel upon and so i could not quarrel with when she treated me to the amazing spectacle alluded to at the commencement of this chapter the spectacle of herself transformed she came back into the sitting room with that cheerful wholesome laugh of hers and others might think it a trifle too loud still it was lively and said now fm comfortable got a chair for me that s right push it up in that comer and let s be i gazed at her as she spoke and my voice died away in my throat i could almost feel my hair rising slowly from my in amazement and horror what what did my my bride whom i had lately seen a rustling vision of white silk and lace and what did she look like like a man ye gods yes though she had v my wonderful wife she had changed her pretty travelling dress for a and extremely scanty brown skirt with this she wore a very looking jacket of coarse flannel all over with large horse shoes on a blue ground on her head she had perched a red smoking cap with a long that over her left and she surveyed me as she sat down with an air of bland as though her costume were the most natural thing in the world i said nothing she did not expect me to say anything i suppose she glanced at the sea shining with a lovely purple in the evening light and said briefly looks dull rather doesn t it wants a few about fancy i had no this year all the boys went away to ireland instead what boys i murmured faintly still staring at her with dazed bewildered eyes she was a boy herself or very like one again that cheerful laugh in my ears what boys good gracious if i were to run over all their names it would be like an hotel visitors list i mean the boys all the men who used to take me about don t you know a kind of resolution fired my blood at this they will hardly take you about now i said with i hope a gentle severity you are married now and it will be my proud privilege to take you my wonderful wife about so that we shall be able to dispense with the boys oh certainly if you like she replied smiling only you ll soon get tired of it i expect we can t always hunt in couples and sort of thing awfully bad form must go different ways sometimes you ll get sick to death of always doing the different seasons with me never i said firmly i shall be perfectly happy with you for ever at my side perfectly contented to be seen always in your company really and she | 33 |
raised her eyebrows a little then laughed again and added don t be will there s a good fellow i do hate being upon you know let us be as jolly as you like but though we are just married don t let people take us for a pair of fools i fail to understand your meaning i said rather why should we be taken for fools i really cannot see oh you know laughed my boyish looking wife into one of her pockets in search of a something i instinctively knew what it was yes there out it came no case this time but one full of cigars and i at once rose to the occasion with a manly fortitude that i trust did not ill become me the hired baby etc my wonderful wife i said my dear my darling do oblige me by not smoking not this evening at any rate i shall not be able to bear the sight of a cigar in your sweet mouth i shall not indeed am fellow perhaps but i love you and admire you my dear too much to let you appear even before my eyes at a disadvantage it is not good for your health i assure you it will spoil your pretty teeth and play with your nerves and besides this it is not a nice thing for a woman especially an english woman it is all very well for ugly russian and withered old spanish but for a young fresh creature like you it is not the thing believe me moreover it gives you a masculine appearance which is not at all becoming i am in earnest my dear i want my wife to be above all things womanly and now we are married i can tell you frankly that i hope you will never take a gun in your hands again it was very of you to show that you could shoot you know i admired your spirit but of course i always knew you only did it for fun a woman can never be an actual of sport any more than she can become a practised without losing the beautiful of modesty and dignity with which nature has endowed her thus far had listened to me in absolute silence a smile on her lips and her cigar case still open my wonderful in her hand now however she gave way to and irrepressible laughter upon my word she exclaimed i never heard a better bit of sentimental than that you are a goose for pity s sake don t talk such nonsense to me i m past it might like that sort of thing was my wife s youngest sister a timid little morsel of a woman i had always despised but i thought you knew me better come you re longing to have a smoke yourself you know you are here and she held out her cigar case with the most brilliant smile in the world you won t don t be a mule now and she whipped out of her a tiny silver match box lit a cigar and again proffered it to me i took it mechanically i should have been a brute to refuse her on that evening of all evenings but i still remonstrated feebly i don t like it don t like what she inquired the then you don t know the of good tobacco no no i don t mean the cigar i said puffing at it slowly as i spoke it is an exceedingly choice cigar in fact remarkably so but i don t like your smoking one and i watched her in melancholy as she placed a similar cigar to my own w x x s my wonderful wife lips and began to puff away in evident delight i don t like your smoking i repeated earnestly no i do not i shall never like it then you re very selfish she returned with perfect good humour you wish to deprive your wife of a pleasure you indulge in yourself now there was a way of putting it but i urged surely surely men are permitted to do many things which pardon me are hardly fitted for the finer of women she off the ash from her weed with her little finger settled her smoking cap and smiled a superior smile not a bit of it she replied once in those detestable good old times some people are always talking about men were permitted to keep women out of every sort of and nice they were but now she had a very charming french accent by the way and we are no longer the general servants and nurses that adorned that age of darkness we are the equals of man what he can do we can do as well and often better we are his companions now not his slaves for instance here am i your wife am i not just so i murmured what an excellent my wonderful wife cigar she had given me to be sure you are indeed my wife my very dearly beloved wife don t she interrupted it sounds like an i laughed it was impossible to help laughing she was such a creature such an extraordinary girl she laughed too and went on suppose i had lived and suppose you had lived in the good old times do you know what we should have done i shook my head in the negative and my eyes at her in bland admiration that cigar was really first class and it was gradually having a softening influence on my brain we should have died of she declared emphatically just died of it we could never have borne it fancy i should have been shut up nearly all day in the house with a huge apron on and and counting over the sheets and pillow cases like | 33 |
a silly old and you would have tumbled home drunk regularly every afternoon and gone to bed under the table every evening she nodded her head and the of her smoking cap came down over her nose she cast it off and looked at me with such a twinkling mischief in her eyes that i fairly roared that last part of the daily as i my wonderful wife have been lively i lively for me at any rate no it wouldn t she said youve no idea how tired you d have got of being continually drunk it might be all very well for a time but you would have wanted a change and in that period there was no change possible a man and his wife had to on together for ever and a day amen to it without a single distraction to mar the domestic bliss of the awful years domestic bliss it makes me shudder i grew suddenly serious why surely i said you believe in domestic bliss don t you certainly not good gracious no what on earth is domestic bliss all about studied it i assure you tell you what it is in winter the united members of a large family sit solemnly round the fire and roast to the tune of home sweet home played by the youngest boy on the old that belonged to darling dear you know in summer they all go down to the sea side still fondly united and sit in a ring on the hot sand reading novels quite happy and so good and so devoted to one another and so ugly most of them no wonder they can never get any other company than their own she puffed away at her cigar quite fiercely and her my wonderful wife eyes again as for me i was off once more in an fit of laughter i gasped what a droll girl you are where do you get your ideas from can t imagine she replied they come inspiration i suppose as the haired say but i am jolly i believe there s no denying that you ll find me quite a good fellow don t you know when you ve once got accustomed to my ways but i may as well tell you at once that it s no use your expecting me to give up my smoke it s possible i may get tired of shooting when i do i ll let you know and one word more old boy don t preach at me again will you can t bear being preached at never could say right out what you mean without sentiment and we ll see how we can settle it i never lose temper waste of time much better to come to a calm understanding about everything think so i agreed heartily and would have kissed her but that vile cigar stuck out of her mouth and prevented me besides i was smoking my own particular vile and it was no use disturbing myself or her just then moreover did she not a wholesome dislike of sentiment and is not kissing a sentimental business totally to the advanced intelligence of the advanced woman of our advancing day my wonderful wife chapter iii are generally supposed to be the of all and mine was particularly so as it only lasted a fortnight i will not here attempt to describe the state of wonder doubt affection dismay admiration and vague alarm in which i passed it it seemed to me that i was all the time in the company of a very cheerful good tempered lad just home from his college for the holidays i knew this lad was a woman and my wife but somehow as the americans say i couldn t fix it at the end of our recognized season we returned to our own house in a comfortable dwelling furnished and provided with all the modem improvements electric light included and settled down to the serious of our married existence we had hosts of friends too many friends i thought we certainly could not boast of a quiet home neither could we be accused of indulging in the guilty of domestic bliss all the boys with me those boys who before s marriage had been she assured me like so many brothers to her they were most of them young men none of them my wonderful wife above thirty and i was approaching my birthday moreover i had the sundry cares of the business of living upon me the battle of life i have to thank the noble daily telegraph for this admirable and entirely new expression had to be fought by me single handed and this gave me the appearance of being older than i actually was in fact the boys seemed to consider me a sort of harmless but i myself often wondered whether i was not more like the meek proprietor of an convenient hotel where under thirty might find board lodging and good entertainment free of charge at first i did not feel my position so keenly because really the boys were not bad fellows they were like young and full of fun they were fools undoubtedly but they were not and to this day i don t think there was an of wit among them so that they lacked the means to be seriously mischievous in fact there was no malice about them they were too absolutely silly for that more like babies than men they had a great many old associations with many of them had known her long before i did and one of these declared to me that it was no end of a lark to think she was married i would have sought an explanation from this and muscular youth he was over six feet high as to his reasons for v x my wonderful | 33 |
wife of a lark but that he was such an utterly boy such a cheerfully confessed and openly donkey that i saw at once it would be no use asking him any questions that did not lead up somehow or other to a discussion on lawn which was the only subject in earth or heaven that appealed to his minute fragment of intellect there was just one other individual who surpassed him in foolishness this was a boy with heavy whose sole delight in life was to up and down the river here there with a very useless skull of his own heaven knows excuse the his pride and joy were concentrated in the steady work of his muscles and his brain by swift degrees from the little to the infinitely less he had fine eyes this boy and his long and sweeping threw all little school girls and inexperienced into of admiration he looked very well in his white so well that he was by some rash persons who did not know him judged intelligent but to speak with a more hopeless idiot never existed he was such an polite idiot too exceedingly to me and courteous to every one though he always maintained that delightfully funny air of reserve which very good looking young men sometimes assume that air which is meant as a my wonderful wife mild touch me not or off to over susceptible ladies for these sort of absurd fellows generally flatter themselves that every woman who sees them is bound to fall in love with them on the spot this particular boy was constantly in and out of our house he liked because she made such game of him and his stand manner i suppose the poor devil was so flattered everywhere else on account of those that he found some comfort in being now and then and my wife had a great talent for ridicule an immense and ever developing talent she people in fact after the novelty of our marriage had worn off a bit she began to me i am bound to confess i did not quite like this but i to complain she had such high spirits i thought and she did not really mean to wound my feelings however taking it all in all home was not the home i had hoped for there was no repose in it no relief from the business and of the day and the whole place was always horribly of tobacco tobacco smoke every room in it including even the big dining room and the smell of cigars was in my nostrils morning noon and night all those boys smoked of course they were very friendly and used to sit away with me after dinner till long past midnight being of the y v my wonderful could scarcely turn them out without being rude and naturally i did not wish to be rude to my wife s old friends i had my own friends also but they were men of a different stamp they were older more serious more settled in their modes of hfe they liked to talk on the politics progress and science of the age and though they admired for she could converse well on any subject they could not get on with the boys no not with any of them so one by one they dropped off and by and by a sort of desolate feeling began to steal over me and i wondered if i should be obliged to go on living like this for the rest of my days i sat down in my arm chair one evening and seriously considered my position was out she had gone to supper with her friend mrs of the woman who had presented her with that wedding gift of the cigar and ash tray who was staying in london for a couple of weeks and i knew they and their set would make a night of it i had not been asked to join the party i was evidently not wanted i sat as i said in my chair and looked at the fire it was cold weather and the wind whistled outside the windows and i took to hard and earnest thinking was i happy in my married life no most emphatically not but why i asked myself what prevented my happiness was a bright woman a clever my wonderful wife woman handsome good tempered and cheerful as the day never ill never dull never cross what on earth was my complaint i sighed heavily i felt i was unreasonable and yet i had certainly missed something out of my life something i felt the want of now was it the frequent of the boys that fretted my mind no not exactly for as i said before they were thoroughly harmless fellows and as for herself whatever her faults or what i considered her faults might be she was good as gold with a frank almost blunt and honesty about her that was really admirable in fact she was the kind of woman to knock down a man who would have dared to offer her any insult and thus far her set her above all suspicion of deceit or it was impossible to doubt her word she never told a lie and she had a sort of military idea of honour rare to find in the feminine nature yes her sterling virtue was what qualities then did she lack why did i feel that she was in a way removed from me and that instead of having a woman by my side i had a sort of human growth which was neither man nor woman which confused and perplexed me instead of helping and comforting me and which filled me with surprise rather than respect again i sighed and stirring the fire into a blaze watched its | 33 |
flickering flashes on the wall oc t fe j my wonderful wife it was a large room we called it the library because there were books in it not rare volumes by any means still what there were i liked in fact they were mostly mine my wife read nothing but the newspapers she devoured the on sundays and she took the sporting times because she always had certain on certain racing events needless to say i objected to her but with no result beyond the usual laugh and the usual don t be a goose it s all right i never bet with your money which was true enough she had turned out another sporting novel at a dead heat as she herself expressed it the had paid her well for it and she certainly had every right do as she liked with her own moreover she generally won her that was the odd part of it she seemed to have an instinctive faculty for winning her losses were always small her gains always large in fact as i have already remarked she was a wonderful woman of this last novel of hers i reflected uneasily that i had not yet read a word of it it was only just published i had seen no of it and she seemed to attach no importance to it herself she had no real love for literature she called all the ancient classic writers old and all the works of the after giants such as shakespeare walter scott or stuff and rubbish she my wonderful wife wrote a novel as she wrote a letter almost without taking thought and certainly without she would hand the proofs over to one of the boys who knew all about sporting terms that he might see whether her was correct and when his hall mark said as it did once for i saw it on the margin of a chapter bully for you off the whole thing went to the without further anxiety or trouble on her part and when people said to me sweetly your wife is quite a literary genius in the usual way of polite society i was very well aware that they didn t mean it i knew in my very heart of hearts that judged strictly from an art and letters point of view was a fraud positively a fraud the thought me to the soul but still i had to think it if i would be at peace with my own conscience i am not a clever man myself yet i know very well what female literary genius is we have it in the poems of elizabeth and the of sand and when we consider the work of such women as these the sporting novels of even a sink into shadowy and i am a great in woman s literary i think that given a woman with a keen instinct close observation and large sympathies she ought to be able to produce greater of literature than a man but there is no necessity for her to part with her wo x as q my wonderful wife gentleness because she writes no for it is just that subtle charm of her finer sex that should give the superiority to her work not the herself of all those delicate and sensitive qualities bestowed on her by nature and the striving to that masculine which is precisely what we want from all high of art but as i have hinted it was absurd to call my wife literary she was a mere of sporting and i have only been led on to speak of her entering the ranks of pen and ink at all because on referring to some back numbers of the daily telegraph i understand that there are a few persons about in the shape of london mien and others who think that women who write books are therefore rendered never was there a greater mistake one of the sweetest and most womanly women i ever met is rapidly coming to the front as a most gifted and brilliant writer she neither nor keeps late hours she does not hunt or fish or shoot she dresses exquisitely her voice is low and sweet as s and the man of her particular circle one who has been called the major of literature becomes the and must in her presence much to v the relief and satisfaction of all his and her friends to my idea the h woman should be altogether from entering into the profession of literature my wonderful wife inasmuch as she can do no good whatever in it she takes a wrong view of life her theories are all at and she up her rights and privileges with those of the sex till she does not know which is which she has all her finer and is therefore practically useless as a of high problems or a to her fellow creatures literature of itself does not a woman its proper influence is a softening and one therefore if in that calling a woman proves in her speech manners and customs you may be sure the process was pretty well completed before she ever took up the pen i was still sitting before the fire in melancholy mood musing over what reasonably or i felt to be the desolation of my wedded existence when i heard a latch key turn in the lock of the street door another instant and a firm step marching along the outer passage assured me of my wife s return i glanced at the clock it was close upon midnight i had been alone since dinner time alone and melancholy and i felt more injured and irritated than i cared to admit to myself a strong of tobacco s approach she entered clad in a long up and cloth cap her eyes brilliant her cheeks flushed and | 33 |
a half smoked out cigar in her mouth a sudden anger possessed me i looked up b a r the hired baby etc my wonderful wife speak she threw off her cloak and cap and stood before me in evening dress a clinging gown of grey velvet touched here and there with silver well she said cheerfully removing her cigar from her lips to puff out a volume of smoke and then sticking it in again well i responded somewhat sullenly her bright eyes opened wide all down in the mouth and low in the eh old boy and she the fire into a blaze what s up stocks queer bank broken shares gone down you look like an unfortunate do i and i averted my gaze from hers and stared gloomily into the fire yes and she gave that ringing laugh that somehow had begun to jar my nerves know the man bad times no sale out of season no demand provinces sort of fellow awful and all the while he s profits on the sly funny expression he gets after long practice you ve got it exactly just now thanks i said she surveyed me got the she asked with some in her voice no my wonderful wife headache no she gave me a meditative side glance still smoking then nodded in a wise and confidential manner i know this was too much i jumped up from my chair and faced her no i said in accents that trembled with suppressed excitement it is not it is nothing of the kind madam you see before you a broken man a miserable wretch who hasn t a moment s peace of his life who is disgusted yes disgusted mrs at the way you go on you are out every day more often with others than with me and if you are not out the house is full of lounging grinning young fools who no doubt laugh at me and at you too for that matter in their sleeves you smoke like like a yes i this word out desperately determined to bring her to book somehow and you behave yourself altogether in a fashion that consider and to a lady in your position i will not have it i will not have it i have borne it as long as i can bear it and my patience is quite exhausted i tell you i am sick of the smell of tobacco i the very sight of a cigar smoking is a detestable vulgar nd c a s s a my wonderful wife am concerned have done with it for ever i used to like a quiet smoke in the evening here my voice took on a plaintive almost tearful wail but now now i hate it you have worked this change in me i have seen you smoking morning noon and night till my very soul has been by such an unnatural and spectacle you have robbed me of what was once my own peculiar enjoyment and i can endure it no longer i cannot i will not i gasped for breath and sinking back again in my chair glared steadily at the wall i was afraid to encounter the look of my wife s eye lest i should give way to of wild laughter laughter which really would not have been far the verge of tears i was so thoroughly shaken from my usual self control e e e w and the long and whistle she gave made me glance at her for a second she had taken her cigar from her mouth and was regarding me gracious i never did look here you know this won t do at all i never lose temper it s no use your trying to make me see what it is you ve got the and you want to quarrel and make me cry and go off into a fit of and then pet me and bring me round again but it isn t the least bit of good attempting it my wife lot i can t do it i work anyhow i never could since i grew up i might manage to scream once if that would oblige you but i know it would scare the people next door now don t and like when he s got his red wig on but be calm and sensible and tell us what s the matter she spoke like a friendly young man and i peered at her doubtfully i began then my feelings got the better of me again and i muttered no no it is too much i will i cannot be calm then go to bed she said soothingly laying one hand on my shoulder and looking quite at me in spite of my endeavour to bestow upon her a something s upset you your liver s wrong that can see in the twinkling of an eye i haven t studied medicine for nothing you should have taken a draught and gone to bye bye gone to bye silly did she take me for a baby hours ago why did you sit up for me i fixed my gaze upon her solemnly and she looked so handsome especially now that she had thrown away the end of that horrible cigar she had such a commanding presence that clinging grey velvet gown became her so admirably and round her full white x r f my diamond i had given her on our wedding day a containing a miniature portrait of myself my portrait she wore it she this stately beautiful young woman wore my miserable on her | 33 |
bosom my wrath melted into sudden sentiment i said feebly slipping my arm round her waist oh if you only loved me she bent her head towards mine lower and lower till her lips almost touched my ear look here old boy she then whispered you may as well make a clean breast of it have you you been at that brandy i left out on the my wonderful wife io chapter iv it will now i think be readily understood that was a difficult woman to argue with there was no about her no romance no sentiment if a man gave way to his feelings as i did on the occasion just related she set his natural emotion down either to or the tide of passion the overflowing of the human heart and all that sort of thing belonged she considered to the stuff and rubbish books written by scott and or worse still suggested poetry and if there was anything in the world positively hated it was poetry she didn t mind the legends or the papers but poetry real poetry was her favourite she always went to sleep over a play of shakespeare s the only time i ever saw her laugh at any performance of the kind was during s representation of then she was in silent of mirth whenever the celebrated henry gasped a gasp or a she seemed to be seized with but the play itself didn t move her one she off comfortably in the carriage going home and wa kiss i i my wonderful wife suddenly just as we reached our own door she demanded i say what became of the old man who went to stop with in his castle never saw him again wasn t it funny must have left out a bit of the play by mistake i realized then that she had never comprehended the leading of the sublime tragedy namely the murder of king and with anxious care and precision i explained it to her as best i could she listened enough and when i had finished yawned good gracious so that was what it was all about well it didn t seem clear to me i thought had stuck the blue man the old blue thing with a patch over his eye that came up through a trap door at she meant s ghost he was funny awfully funny he was just the colour of a damp match you know one of those things that won t strike but only and smell anyhow it was a couldn t tell who was killed and who wasn t lovely last that of looked as if he were coming out of his skin he was done for he was killed in the play wasn t he he was i assented gravely that s all right hope he ate a good supper afterwards must make a man to work about a big my wonderful wife io sword like that all for nothing too at the air just fancy dreadfully and off she went to bed with no more notion of the grandeur and terror and pathos of shakespeare s most awe inspiring production than if she had been a woman of wood so i knew she had no sentiment in her and of course i was a fool to expect any sympathy from her in my hours of irritation or despondency and those hours were getting pretty frequent but for various reasons i held my peace and made no further complaints i would wait t resolved and patiently watch the course of events events onward as they are prone to do and my wife continued her masculine mode of living without any fresh from me just then the time i had anticipated came at last and a boy was bom to us a remarkably fine child yes i know the most infant if it be the first bom is always remarkably fine in the opinion of its parents but this one was not a he was really and truly a good specimen and with his birth i became happy and hopeful surely now i thought with a swelling heart now my will realize her true position and will grow ashamed of those habits which rob a woman of the refined grace and sweetness that should attach to the dignity of my spirits rose i pictured my wife as x i my wonderful wife and more creature retaining all her bright humour and frank vivacity but gradually becoming more softened in character and more in disposition i saw her in my mind s eye carrying her child in her arms and murmuring all that pretty baby nonsense which men pretend they despise but which in their hearts they secretly love to hear and i built up a veritable en of home happiness as i had never yet known it but which i now sincerely believed i was destined to enjoy need i say that my hopes were doomed to disappointment and that i cursed myself for being such a sentimental ass as to imagine they could ever be realized was up and about again in no time and seemed almost if not quite cheerfully unconscious of our boy s existence he poor was consigned to the care of two nurses large beer women both and of speech and when his screams announced that all was not going well with his infant career that pins were being put in the wrong places or that windy were the result of would smile at me and remark there s a savage little brute doesn t he roar never mind perhaps he ll scare away the on one of these occasions when my son s com my wonderful wife io were so that they threatened to the very roof off the house by sheer volume of | 33 |
sound i said don t you think you d better go and see what s the matter it s not quite fair to leave him entirely at the mercy of the nurses why not she responded they understand him i don t he s a perfect mystery to me he screams if i touch him and rolls right over on his back and makes the most horrible faces at me when i look at him nurse says i hold him wrong it seems to me impossible to hold him right he s as soft as and everywhere can t lay a finger on him without him black and blue you try it i wanted to amuse him yesterday blew the cab whistle for him as loud as i could and i thought he would have burst with howling we don t take to each other a bit isn t it funny he doesn t want me and i don t want him we re better apart really i said we were at breakfast and i rose from the table with an angry movement you are heartless you speak cruelly and of the poor child you don t deserve to be a mother she laughed good you re right that s one for you i don t deserve to be and i didn t want to be oh what a i my wonderful wife bear you look be off to the city for goodness sake don t stop there would you like to take baby out for once fetch him for you he ll be such a nice quiet companion for you down town i beat a hasty retreat i had no words wherewith to answer her but i released my pent up wrath by the street door as i went out with a violence that i freely admit was and unworthy of man and i went down to my office in a very angry mood and my anger was not lessened when turning sharp round a comer i ran up against the boy with the so glad to meet you he said with his gentlemanly and elegant air hope you re coming to the this year with mrs i stared at him he looked cool and comfortable in his white always white however it was a fact that august had just begun and then i replied with some i am not aware that mrs is going to the at all i believe indeed i am sure our er my intention is to spend a quiet holiday at the for the benefit of the child s health oh murmured the boy languidly then i suppose i have made a mistake some one told me she had taken a share in the this my wonderful wife io season gone with mrs of quite a big party expected down there on the twelfth really i for i was getting every minute are you going he looked surprised me oh dear no fm on the river you re always on the river now i suppose aren t you i inquired with a sarcastic grin always he replied placidly won t you and mrs come and see me in my little house boat awfully snug in capital position delighted to see you any time thanks thanks and here i strove to at him politely in the usual society way but we are very much tied at home just now my son is rather too young to appreciate the pleasures of river life oh of course and for once the boy appeared really startled it would never do for a for a little kid you know how is he this with an air of anxiety he is very well and flourishing i answered proudly as fine a child as yes er no doubt interrupted hurriedly and mrs is awfully devoted i suppose awfully i said fixing my eyes full si no my wonderful wife upon his handsome countenance she is absorbed in him absorbed heart and soul curious i mean delightful stammered the hateful young well er give my kind regards please and just mention that fm on the river as well mention that queen anne was dead i thought scornfully as i watched him dash over a crossing under the very nose of a plunging cab horse and disappear on the opposite side he was a fish i declared to myself a fish not a man scrape his and cook him for dinner i muttered as i went along scrape his and cook him for dinner this phrase became fixed in my mind and repeated itself over and over again in my ears with the most tiresome monotony whereby it will be easily comprehended that my nerves were very much and my system upset generally by the feverish mental worry and domestic vexation i was on reaching home that afternoon i found in high glee she was lounging in one of those long comfortable deck chairs which when properly are the most luxurious seats in the world smoking a and reading truth i say she exclaimed turning round as i entered here s a lark s going to marry the earl of i confess i was rather surprised my wonderful wife ill what i echoed yes repeated my wife with emphasis little sly who can t say bo to a goose going to be a real live think of it good gracious what a fool is he might have had me might he indeed i inquired coldly drawing off my gloves and thinking for the time what a thorough man she looked did he know that such a chance of supreme happiness was to be had for the asking of course he didn t here she tossed away truth and catching up a horrible fat she adored | 33 |
she kissed its nasty wet nose with and he never tried to find out he s an awful swell you know the kind of fellow that coolly cuts the fresh dollars american and won t have anything to do with trade writes books and is that a new word i asked don t know i m sure it means that he out and things in marble not for money you know just for his own amusement oh he s a queer card but fancy his proposing to of all people in the world such a little of a woman i reflected on this description my wife s youngest sister was little certainly but she could scarcely in justice be called a she had i my wonderful wife not so beautiful in colour as in their dreamy expression of tenderness she had a sweet soft face a charming fairy like figure and a very gentle yet fascinating manner there was nothing decidedly striking about her and yet she was about to make a more brilliant match than could have been possibly hoped for an entirely girl in her position went on yes he might have had me and just think of the difference look at me and look at one would scarcely take us for sisters scarcely indeed i assented with a muffled sigh your ways are rather opposed to hers for instance she does not smoke no poor little thing and threw away the end of her and immediately lit another she thinks it horrid so do i i said with marked emphasis so do think it horrid she glanced at me smiling i know you do she cheerfully admitted youve said so often enough she smoked a little in silence and then resumed now look here listen to me been thinking over things lately and i ve come to the conclusion that we must talk it out that s the term talk it out talk what out i stammered nervously my wonderful wife i the marriage question she replied there s no doubt whatever that it has been and that it is a ghastly mistake our marriage a mistake dear i began anxiously surely you but she checked me with a slight gesture of her hand i don t wish to say that i think ours a greater mistake than anybody else s she went on not a bit of it i think all marriages are mistakes the institution itself is a mistake i gazed at her my mind upon itself and wandered back through long of back numbers of the daily telegraph that glorious and ever to be praised journal is everybody s and there beheld set forth in large is marriage a failure attended by masses of correspondence from strong minded ladies and spirited men was of the former class as i most assuredly was of the latter the institution of marriage is itself a mistake repeated firmly it ties a man to a woman and a woman to a man for the rest of their mortal lives regardless of future consequences and it doesn t work the poor wretches get tired of always trotting along cheek by in the same old road and there s no way of breaking loose unless one or the other the hired baby etc my wonderful wife to become a there s not change enough now take us two for example vou want a change and want a change that s plain the time had come for me to speak my mind out and i did so i do want a change i said gently and with all the earnestness i felt but not the sort of change you hint at i want a change not away from you my dear but in you i want to see the womanly side of your nature the gentleness softness and sweetness that are all in your heart i am sure if you would only let these lovely qualities have their way instead of covering them up under the cloak of an assumed masculine behaviour which as i have often said to you before is highly to you and me greatly i suffer i really suffer when i see and hear you my wife the manners customs and of men it is surely no disgrace to a woman to be womanly her weakness is stronger than all strength her anger and peace in her right position she is the saving grace of men her virtues make them ashamed of their vices her simplicity their cunning her faith and truth inspire them with the highest noblest good dear i know there are many women nowadays who act as you do and think no shame or harm of it who hunt and fish and shoot and smoke and my wife play and who are the declared comrades of men in all their rough sports and but believe me no good can come of this throwing down of the between the sexes no advantage can possibly to a great nation like ours from allowing the women to deliberately sacrifice their delicacy and reserve and the men to resign their ancient code of chivalry and reverence no it is not in keeping with the law of nature and whatever is opposed to the law of nature must in time be proved wrong it will be a bad a day for england when women as a class assert themselves altogether as the equals of men for men even at their best have vile animal passions low desires and vulgar vices that most of them would be bitterly sorry to see reflected in the women whom they instinctively wish to respect believe me dear i speak from my heart give me a little of that which so your sex in times of sickness and trouble be a true woman leave off smoking and and let me find in | 33 |
they were all romantic knights of the time because they re not they re nasty fellows most of them and if women are nasty too why then they help to make them so look at them talk of smoke why the r re always smoking dirty pipes too full of tobacco cheap tobacco and as for their admiration of all those womanly qualities you describe they don t care a bit for them they ll run after a much more readily than they ll say a civil word to a lady and they u crowd round a woman whose name has been about in a horrid divorce case and neglect the good girl who has never made herself notorious not always i interposed quickly you ve got an example in your own sister and she is to marry the earl of true enough and my wife rose from her chair shook her skirts and flung away the last fragment of her but he s an exception a very rare exception to the rule and all the same can t change myself any more than the can change his spots as the bible says i m a result of the age we live in and you don t quite like me i do like you i began earnestly no you don t not quite she insisted her eyes my wonderful wife i i twinkling and i promise you fu think over the position very carefully and see what i can do meanwhile you needn t have the boys any more if they re disagreeable to you they re not disagreeable i faltered but yes i understand want the house to yourself all right give them the straight tip i can see them elsewhere you know they re not bound to come here often elsewhere i questioned in some bewilderment where if not here oh all sorts of places she answered on the river at the heaps of old haunts we used to go to but suppose i object i said with warmth suppose i do not approve of your meeting the boys at these different haunts what then oh you won t be such an old goose she replied cheerfully you know there s no harm no real mean about me don t you her clear eyes met mine and as star beams yes i know i said gently but seriously i am perfectly aware of your goodness and honour my dear but there is such a thing as gossip and that you should go about at all with these young men seems tj my wonderful wife me like a rash laying of yourself open to society and scandal not a bit of it she lots of women do it in fact i ve not yet come across a married woman who wants to set up for a in these days and i couldn t drop the boys altogether you know poor they d feel it awfully now don t be so down in the mouth cheer up as i told you i m going to think over the position and see what i can do for you just at that moment a wild from the nursery announced more sufferings on the part of master doesn t he m yell remarked serenely lungs of leather he must have ta ta and with a light wave of her hand she left me to my own reflections which were very far indeed from being what a strange difficulty i was in there was not a tinge of wickedness not the least of deceit about she was as honest and true as steel and yet yet i was never more conscious of anything in my life than that the time was approaching when i might find it no longer possible to endure her company my wonderful wife i chapter v the next day having business in that particular neighbourhood i at the i had scarcely sat down to my modest chop and potatoes when two gentlemen entered and took the table just behind me and glancing round in a casual sort of way i recognized in one of them the earl of he was a good looking fellow with rather a thoughtful yet kindly face and a very winning smile i had only met him on one occasion at a large at home given by s mother and it was not likely he would have any very distinct recollection of me so i kept my back carefully turned not wishing to myself upon his notice presently however something he was saying to his friend attracted my attention with my knife and fork suspended in air i listened anxiously it s a thousand he remarked she s a handsome creature wonderfully clever and spirited i was half inclined to fall in love with her myself at one time but by jove i wanted a woman you know not a semi man in she won t wear long i should say returned the other man with a laugh if report k my wonderful wife anything about her she ll be in trousers before she s many years older heaven forbid exclaimed and i heard him pouring out wine into his glass if she does i shall have to cut her though she is s sister down my knife and fork and i drank a large of water to cool my feverish agitation it was my wife they were talking of and my ears with shame and anger my wife my she s a good woman you know added presently never plays a double game couldn t be false if she tried in fact her only fault is that horrible of hers she thinks it s the thing unfortunately she fancies men admire it poor soul if she only knew of course there are some young who like to see women smoking and who encourage | 33 |
them to do it and a few who urge them to shoot and go deer but these sort of fellows are in the after all it s a most pitiable thing to see otherwise nice women going out of their natural sphere it is exceedingly so agreed his friend i can t think why they do it they only get laughed at in the long run that woman of helped to spoil she s a regular have you ever met her no my wonderful wife i oh she dresses as nearly like a man as is with the present cuts her hair quite short wears shirt fronts and men s ties shoots bags her game goes after salmon she landed two the day weighing twelve pounds each rides a has a perfect for fox hunting always in at the death and ye gods how she does smoke she s got a regular pipe in her and is always at it disgusting said where s her husband where and the other laughed not with her you may depend upon it couldn t stand her for long he s in india beating up in the i believe most probably he thinks it better to be torn to pieces by than live with such a wife talking of husbands i wonder how poor gets on said he must have an awful time of it i expect i could stand this no longer rising abruptly from my seat i seized my hat and umbrella and grasped them in one hand then approaching the next table i forced a politely awful smile and laid my visiting card solemnly down beside s plate without a word he started violently and his face flushed deeply the colour spreading to the very roots of his hair my wonderful wife he exclaimed my dear fellow i i i really upon my word i i he broke off confused and exchanged uneasy glances with his friend i watched his discomfort keenly in that special way that the snake according to watches the fascinated i overheard your remarks my lord i said in a sort of stage whisper by much severity i overheard and with pain your remarks concerning my wife i need scarcely say that they were not agreeable to me i consider i most emphatically consider sir that you owe me an apology my dear and the young man eagerly extended his hand pray let me make it at once i most sincerely most i am awfully sorry really my friend here mr is as sorry as i am fm sure aren t you the gentleman appealed to who had been diligently on the table cloth looked up with a burning blush bowed low and it s very foolish to get talking about about people you know one can never be certain that they are not close at hand i hope you forgive me i really didn t mean here i cut him short he was evidently so sincerely grieved and vexed that my anger cooled down completely and i pressed his proffered hand my wonderful wife that s enough i said but gently too i know people will talk and i suppose mrs here i brightened up a bit is handsome enough and clever enough to be talked about exactly and the young earl looked immensely relieved at this way of putting it that s what always says you know i m going to marry g i know i replied and i congratulate you thanks now do have a glass of wine won t you here waiter bring another bottle of i was half disposed to decline this invitation but he pressed me so cordially that i could not very well refuse i therefore sat down and we all including the young gentleman named conversed for some time on the subject of woman generally woman judged from two points of view namely the high and dignified position which nature evidently intended her to occupy and the exceedingly cheap and low level at which she in these modem days seems inclined to place herself it may and it will no doubt surprise many fair readers of these pages to learn that taken the majority of opinion held by the best and men of england and by the best and i mean those who have their country s good at heart who their queen and who have not yet trampled chivalry in the dust and made a jest of honour it will be found that they are unanimous in wishing to keep sweet woman in my wonderful wife her proper sphere a sphere i may add which is means narrow but on the contrary wide enough to admit all things gracious becoming and beautiful inspiring things both in art and literature things that tend to but not to and men have no sort of objection to make when women gifted with a rare and subtle power of intellect take to the study of high philosophy and glorious science if like mary they can turn their bright eyes on the giddy wonders of the and in musical phrase the glittering of we hear them with as much reverence and honour as though they were wise angels speaking if like elizabeth they pour from a full sweet heart such poetry as is found in the from the we listen and moved to the lovely music that on the spirit lies than tired eye upon tired eyes who does not admire and the woman who wrote the following exquisite lines which with all their passion are still true womanly how do i love thee let me count the ways i love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach when feeling out of sight for the ends of being and ideal grace i love thee to the level of every day s most quiet need by sun | 33 |
and i love thee freely as men strive for right i love thee purely as they from praise my wonderful wipe g i love thee with the passion put to use in my old and with my childhood s faith i love thee with a love i seemed to lose with my lost saints i love thee with the breath smiles tears of all my life and if god choose i shall but love thee better after death in fine we i speak for the men we do not want to shut out woman from what she can do without destroying the soft attraction of her womanhood but when she wishes to herself when instead of a queen she to be a street or the driver of a dust cart we object we object for her sake quite as much as for our own because we know what the result of such a state of must be when women voluntarily resign their position as the silent and models of grace and purity down will go all the pillars of society and we shall scarcely differ in our manners and customs from the nations we call because as yet they have not adopted christ s exalted idea of the value and of female influence on the higher development of the human race but i am getting serious too serious to be borne with by the impatient readers of to day all the same we be serious sometimes we cannot always be grinning about like among nut trees there s too much grinning nowadays false grinning i mean we grin at our friends grin straight through the k ue hired y l or my wonderful wife and breadth of an at home grin in church and out of church grin at grin at grin at everything everywhere we might as well be death s heads at once and have done with it we shall be some day but i fancy we are rather the pleasure when i got home that evening i did not fail to report to my wife the faithful account of my meeting with the earl of and his friend mr and what key had said and what had said about and about her sex generally she heard me with that admirable which always distinguished her but it made no effect upon her s a she said he always was you know one of those dreadfully stuck up long fellows is nothing to him was the boy with the scrape his and cook him for dinner i mused and so you said i was handsome and clever enough to be talked about did you i did well now old boy that was awfully nice of you and she gave me a bright smile husbands are not always so complimentary behind their wives backs you deserve a reward and fm going to give it to you you shall get rid of me for a whole six weeks there my wonderful wife i i get rid of you i faltered amazed what do you look here she went on rapidly arranged it all mother will take baby she s quite agreeable and you can shut up the house and go where you like and do what you like and have a real jolly good time shan t ask what you ve been up to this is the fourth of august well say we meet again here about the twentieth of september or later if you like that ll give us a good long swing apart but i exclaimed in utter bewilderment what do you mean where are you going what do you propose to do shoot she replied promptly i m to for the twelfth and mean to bag more game than any of the male she s asked down to this season she s invited poor dear it would never suit you to see me blazing away over the and across the in but it s awful fun though no you are right it would not suit me i giving way to the wrath i could no longer restrain it would not and it will not suit me i am master in my own house you are my wife and i expect you to obey me i have never my right of obedience from you till now but now now i do exact it yo i n wonderful wife to this horrible woman at wretch she ought to be ashamed of herself you will not you will remain vith me and the child as it is your duty to do i will not permit you to indulge in these sports any longer you will become the laughing stock of the town and make me a too and no wonder no man with any spirit would allow you to make such a fool of yourself yes a fool whether you like the expression or not you must look a fool with a gun in your hand blazing away as you call it in too good god and i laughed bitterly and flung myself into a chair trembling with excitement she surveyed me quite coolly showing no sign of temper thanks she said thanks awfully you are polite upon my word you don t want a six penny on etiquette evidently but you re old fashioned behind the time altogether miles and miles behind you don t suppose i m going to disappoint all my set down at just to gratify your middle ages prejudices do you not a bit of it i advise you to run across channel for a while take the waters at or something you ll feel twenty per cent better afterwards i ve arranged to leave here on the tenth so you can make your plans accordingly my wonderful wife she was and i round upon her once more i shall speak | 33 |
to your mother what for she calmly inquired i shall tell her of your your your impossible conduct good gracious that will be funny poor old she knows all about me and so did you know all about me before you married me what in the world are you grumbling at i did not know i gasped my handkerchief round and round in my hand as a sort of physical relief to my feelings i did not know you went to to such as the she demanded well they are long there s no doubt about that and with a ringing burst of laughter she left me left me to myself in as silent and impotent a fury as ever the long enduring spirit of married man my wonderful wife chapter vi i kept my word i did speak to s mother and a very dreary conversation we had of it mrs was a thin sheep faced old lady who impressed people at first sight as being j sweet on account of the feebly smiling of her expression but those who came to know her well as i did grew rapidly sick of her smile and passionately to shake her into some semblance of actual vivacity she was the most helpless tame old woman i ever met with watery blue eyes and tremulous hands that were for ever busy down the folds of her black silk dress or settling the lace she always wore about her shoulders or playing with the loosely flying strings of her cap those hands used to worry me they were never still when she made tea which she did frequently and always badly they hovered above the tray like birds claws shaking over the sugar and about with the cream till any enjoyment of the cup that cheers became impossible to me i spoke to her however because i had threatened i would do so and it is very foolish to threaten and not perform even children find that out and despise you my wonderful wife for it i called on her for the express purpose of speaking to her as i explained in a note marked confidential which i sent round to her house three squares off from us by my man servant time was going on and was going on too or rather she was going off her was packed and for scotland her gun case and sporting stood prepared in the hall she herself had been absent from home for three or four days staying with a mrs on the river a place quite close to the spot where with the had got his little she had written to me briefly explaining that they were all having a high old time and asking me for mere form s sake of course whether i would not leave my prejudices behind and join them to this letter which i thought impertinent considering the state of our domestic affairs i vouchsafed no reply my mind was too full of my own increasing the baby my helpless son had already been packed off to his grandmother s nurses and all he was sent away during one of my daily in the city and a nice row we had about him poor innocent when his screams no longer cheered the silence of our dwelling i learned then that after all had a temper not precisely the sort of temper we generally credit woman with which may be described as a swift summer eyes flashing lightning and pouring my wonderful wife tears at once followed by brilliant sunshine s temper merely developed itself into a remarkable facility for saying very nasty and sarcastic things things that a fellow horribly and rubbed him up entirely the wrong way witty cold blooded smart remarks she threw at me sentences that were about as clever as they could well be and i knew they were clever and was all the more hurt by them because as far as her intelligence went she was i must really repeat it a wonderful woman simply wonderful she leaped across country speaking and seized a galloping idea by the mane as though it were a horse while others were peeping doubtfully at it under cover and round the comer that was her of information men can t do that sort of thing they have to knowledge into their slow brains by degrees clever women it like without any apparent trouble so that we had once or twice what i should freely describe as a devil of a row got red in the face and she never changed colour swore and she dropped me a mocking held on to a chair to save myself from getting lifted bodily off the ground by the honest warmth of my indignation and she on a sofa smoked and grinned at me i say grinned i would no longer call that white glistening tooth display of hers a smile it had a cold and look that i could not admire and my wonderful wife yet i was fond of her too and i knew she was a good woman none better so far as honesty and straight principles were concerned and thus it was that torn by conflicting emotions and worn out by the constant fret of my own domestic wretchedness i determined to appeal to mrs though i instinctively felt before i made the attempt that it was an act of mere desperation and that it would result in no sort of advantage or help to me in the unfortunate position i occupied the old lady was in a more than usually nervous state when i arrived and came fluttering to meet me at the drawing room door with that anxious smile i more pronounced than ever my dear william she murmured her hands waving about me like the hands of | 33 |
a very it is so nice of you to come and see me so very nice and kind of you here she caught her breath and sighed she was fond of doing that her pet idea was that she had heart disease dear baby is doing so well and is quite happy upstairs goes and sits on the floor and lets him play with her back hair and he does tear it so her pale eyes watered visibly at this i tell her she ll have none left on her to be married with dear girl youve heard about yes such a brilliant match and he s such a nice man not very but very my wonderful wife manly and he plays with baby too isn t it pretty of him he goes upstairs with constantly and i hear them laughing together dear things it is so nice of him you know being a man to like stopping up in the nursery which must be dull no newspapers or anything and he can t smoke or he won t on account of s being there he s very particular about that sort of thing besides smoke would be bad for baby s eyes here she stopped for breath again pressing her hand on her side while i gazed at her and forced a soothing smile i was obliged to smile because she thought everybody who didn t smile at her was cross or ill and i did not wish to pose as either one or the other yes baby is quite a boon she went on in cheerful tones a positive boon keeps everybody employed and is such a darling i m so glad you ll let us take care of him while is away it is just about that i came to speak to you i said clearing my throat and past those ghostly fingers of hers that seemed to give me s favourite malady the i am sorry to say we ve had a little difference oh dear faltered mrs gliding nervously to the tea tray which stood ready as usual and beginning to make a feeble noise with the cups and oh dear me william don t say so one cannot have my wonderful wife all sunshine you know dear william in one s married life tm sure when mr was alive ah it seems only the other day he died poor darling lord bless the woman he had been in his grave for eighteen years we used often to have a little quarrel about things especially about blue ties i never could bear blue and he always would wear one on sundays it was really very tiresome because we used to find the sundays so disagreeable you know so so of course it was my fault as much as it was his both were to blame and that is the way always with married people dear william both are to blame it is never all on one side it can t be you must bear and forbear here she let fall the sugar with a clatter and off into unintelligible yes i know i know all about that i said making a desperate effort to be patient with this trembling pale of a woman who always seemed on the point of into tears but the present matter is very serious and it is becoming more and more serious every day you see when a man he wants a home oh my dear william tm sure youve got a home mrs turning her weak eyes reproachfully upon me you can t say you haven t you really william a beautiful home why the car ns my wonderful wife alone in it cost a small fortune and as for the curtains they re good enough to make court trains of they positively are william every bit pure silk and all the flower pattern raised i can t imagine what you can want better and i remember when that was bought at s all glass i couldn t sleep a wink for nights and nights thinking of it and i went myself to see the men put it up for i was so afraid they would break it and it was so expensive why you ve got lovely things everywhere william and how can you say you want a home by this time i was beginning to lose my dear me madam i snapped out you surely don t suppose it s the furniture that makes a home do you the drawing room curtains won t cure me of misery the mirror won t help me out of a difficulty my voice rose i can t exist on the tables and chairs can i i can t make a friend and of the carpet i repeat that when a man he wants a home and when i married your daughter wanted a home and i haven t got it you haven t got it william stammered mrs approaching me with a cup of that weak tea she always made in her shaking hand you haven t got it dear why how is it that my wonderful wife i i i the tea away with a tragic gesture and my pent up passion burst forth is not a woman i exclaimed wildly not a whole woman by any means she is half a man she is a mistake she is a of nature here i broke into a laugh she should be exhibited as an in some museum this time i had achieved a feat not common to man i had scared my mother in law the poor feeble thing back to the tea tray and set down the cup i had just rejected then nervously drawing her lace round her shoulders she don t don t oh don t be so | 33 |
so dreadful you frighten me you don t know what you say william you really don t you ve been taking something in the city haven t you there now don t be offended william will you have some water i have said there were times when those who knew mrs well to shake her one of those times had come now it was with the greatest difficulty that i refrained from on her frail form and rendering her suddenly breathless but i controlled myself i made a desperate effort to be calm and succeeded in merely surveying her with a proper manly scorn you are very like your daughter in some respects i said when you see a fellow as wretched my wonderful wife be suffering mental more than he can describe you think him drunk very sympathetic fm sure she smoothed her grey hair and produced her smile fm sorry you are suffering william very sorry but you needn t be so dear tell me what s the matter has been with no i answered proudly that is one thing i cannot accuse her of she does not she has i will say that for her too great a sense of honour she is of all feminine and petty she puts on no airs and though she s handsome she s not a bit conceited she s good and honest but but she should never have married she s not fit for it not fit for it mrs oh william how cruel you are not fit for it how can you say so i can say so because proved so i replied i repeat she s not fit for it she should have lived in the world apart alone and worn her as best she could she would have no doubt worn it admirably as a wife she s out of her element as a mother she s still further out of her element a smoking crack shot is scarcely the person to undertake the commonplace care of an infant a notable female my wonderful wife deer is not precisely suited to the degradation and i the word bitterly of marriage in fact it is because i feel the position of affairs as so extremely serious serious even to the degree of possible mutual separation that i have come to you mrs to ask you to speak to quietly to reason with her and point out how httle her behaviour to my happiness and also how much she ex herself to the ridicule and judgment of those who do not understand her as well as you and i do a mother s arguments may win the day where those of a husband fail i had spoken with so much gravity that my law s eyes now watered in real earnest and she pulled out a bit of a lace handkerchief and wiped away the tears it s no use william she weakly no use whatever my speaking to she wouldn t listen to me for a minute she never would when she was a child and now she is married she d only tell me i had no business to interfere i used to say i thought it was very wrong for her to smoke and go shooting with that mrs really a very vulgar woman but she only laughed at me she s got a great way of laughing at everything has but she s very clever william you know she is professor who here the other evening said that sh vi my wonderful wife the most wonderful woman he ever met such a grasp of things and such a memory you mustn t mind william you really mustn t mind her smoking and all that i don t believe she could do without it you know some of the papers say it s very soothing to the nerves don t you like smoking dear i used to hke it i answered gloomily i don t now has me of it dear dear that is a pity and mrs s hovering hands went to work again in the usual style but perhaps you ll take to it again after a bit any way don t ask me to speak to william i couldn t you know my heart is very weak and i should be almost dead with you must arrange your little matrimonial differences smile once more between you it never does any good to interfere what are you going for i had risen and was now making my weary way towards the door won t you see baby before you go he is such a dear darling do see him i hesitated but there was a certain parental at my heart strings after all he was my child and i wanted him to know me a little yes i ll see him i said briefly whereupon mrs became mildly fluttered and pleased and opening the drawing room door she called up the stairs my wonderful wife yes a clear girlish voice bring baby down william s here and wants to see him another couple of minutes and entered carrying my young hopeful in her arms clean and fresh as a rose not screaming not angry as was his wont but with a fat smile up his small features into countless little wrinkles and a fearless confidence shining in his round big honest blue eyes the child was evidently perfectly happy and i knew at once who had made him so thank you i said simply as i shook hands with her for what she asked laughing for taking such care of him nonsense and she set her burden down on the hearth rug where he immediately pulled off his shoe and began eating it he wants scarcely any care he s so good do you know i don t think we need more | 33 |
than one nurse would you mind if we sent away the other not at all i replied do as you like she seated herself in a chair and looked at her mother smiling give me some tea dear she said haven t you had any william the hired baby etc my wonderful wife no have some now and keep me company and springing up she peered doubtfully into the fresh cup mrs poured out then shook her head in playful remonstrance too weak william likes it rather strong may i put some more tea in the pot fm sure began her mother there s plenty in only it doesn t seem to draw properly i don t know how it is the tea isn t half so good now it gets advertised on the walls so much in my young days it was a luxury yes mother laughed who during this feeble chatter had been quietly the and now handed me a delicious cup in and tempting to look at and now it s a positive necessity all the worse say the wise men for us and our poor nerves oh baby this as master uttered a sound something between a chuckle and a expressive of his at having found on the carpet a large tin tack which he laboriously striving to put in his eye oh what an ugly thing for baby to play with doesn t like it see and she made the most little face of disgust and threw the objectionable nail out of the window whereupon my infant became disgusted also and in turn made eloquent signs of deep for the my wonderful wife vanished thing he had lately deemed a treasure signs which were so excessively and funny that laughed and i catching the from her laughed also heartily and a trifle nervously too for there was something very queer about my just then i tell you let the practical period say what it will a man has a heart he is not a mere machine of wood and iron and i was conscious of a soft and sudden sense of rest in s presence little whom once i had scarcely noticed the of a woman looking just now the very picture of sweet and modesty in her pretty white cotton gown with a httle bunch of and carelessly slipped into her i drank my tea in slow and surveyed her while mrs sank languidly down in an arm chair and heaved her heart disease sigh william is vexed she began glancing at me with a gently melancholy is vexed about yes and looked up quickly you do not want her to go to mrs s i suppose no i do not i said emphatically fm sure you can understand nodded yes i understand she replied instantly but fm afraid it s no use my wonderful wife william she will go nothing will her spoken to her about it you have that was kind of you i said then after a pause i added you always were a kind little soul s a lucky man she smiled and a warm blush swept over her cheeks fm lucky too she answered softly you can t imagine william what a nice fellow he is fm sure of that i hesitated then went on desperately so you think it s best to let have her own way then this time fm afraid so and she looked at me very you see when she s away she may take a better view of things she may even get tired of all those vulgar sporting men and women and begin to long for her home and and for you and the baby and that would be such a good thing you know yes it would i answered if it ever happened but it won t happen wait and see said confidently s got a good heart after all she can be very sweet if she likes and if you don t her just now she may completely alter her ideas i think it s quite possible it would be natural for she s certain to give up sporting and hunting some day it can t last can t last of course it can t last declared mrs her eyes which had been shut till now my wonderful wife in placid resignation no woman can go on shooting for ever william dear why she ll get old you know and she ll want to be quiet and i must wait till she gets old i suppose that s what you mean to imply i said with a haggard attempt at smiling all right but age will not cure her of smoking i fear however i won t bore you any more with my good bye good bye and she held out her hand then as i took it she whispered i m so sorry about it all william so sorry i mean you i know you are i answered in the same low tone and i pressed her kindly clinging httle fingers never mind every one has got troubles why should i be an exception good bye this to my small son who was now busy dragging all the music out of the music stand in a cheerfully absorbed silence i suppose he d scream if i took him up oh no said he s not a bit shy try him whereupon i him in my arms and he stared at me with deliberate and suddenly however he burst into a wild of delight and patted my cheeks violently and and when i set him down again he was with laughter i don t know hi x i y my wonderful wife sure i cannot pretend to enter into an infant s sense of humour i only realized that he was a very baby and that his good nature had never been apparent under | 33 |
man servant take all my traps out and send them upstairs half a crown fare here you are and she tossed him the coin and marched into the with a firm rather heavy tread i following her in a deeply hurt and vexed silence for i noticed at the first glance that she had cut her hair quite short all those beautiful bright nut brown i had admired when i her were gone and i had some to speak with any sort of gentleness i see you have cut your hair i said looking at her as she stood before me tall and commanding as a guard clad in her and deer cap i think youve spoilt yourself do you i don t she retorted taking off the cap and displaying a mass of short boy s curls all over her head it s ever so much cooler and ever so much less troublesome excuse me don t be shocked and her she threw it off great heavens i what what extraordinary sort of clothes had she got into i my own were those those garments positively yes by everything amazing and they were and over them came a loose ss my wonderful wife short very short something uke the costume only several degrees more in make i stared at her open mouthed and utterly dismayed so much so that i was speechless for the moment my shooting costume she explained cheerfully it s such a comfort to travel in and no one sees under my would you care if any one did see i inquired coldly no i don t suppose i should she answered gaily up her curls with one hand well as i said before you look fit had a good time at and are you glad to see me back again of course i in the same quietly unmoved tone of course i am glad to see you but well we will talk over things presently supper is ready i believe will you not change your your and i pointed to the with i think rather a expression on my countenance she flushed just a little it must have been my glance that confused her for an instant then i suppose a devil of mischief entered into her and made her obstinate no what s the good of changing such a bother she answered besides fm as hungry as a hunter i ll sit down to supper as i am awfully comfortable you know mv wonderful wife i i said with a sort of desperate politeness you must really pardon me i refuse i utterly refuse to sit at table with you in that costume do you want the very servants to at you all through the meal they may if they like she replied their won t hurt me i assure you and i spoke with deliberate gentleness and gravity will you oblige me by changing those masculine of yours and dressing like a lady she looked at me laughed and her eyes flashed no i won t she said i bowed then quietly turned round and left the room and not only the room but the house i went to my club and there needless to say with no enjoyment whatever and with no heart to enter into conversation with any of my friends i think most of them must have seen i was seriously put out for they left me pretty much alone and i was able to take counsel with myself as to what i should do next i returned home late and retired to a separate apartment so that i saw no more of till the next morning when she came down to breakfast in her smoking suit i e the same sort of skirt and large man s jacket she had surprised me with on the evening of our marriage day i studied her attentively her skin which had my wonderful wife recently been exposed so to the sun and wind on the was beginning to look rough and coarse her eyes had a bold hard indifferent expression her very hand as she poured out the tea was red and like that of a man accustomed to rough weather and i realized with immense regret that her beauty would soon be a thing of the past that it was even possible she might become positively ugly in an short time if she continued as it was pretty evident she would continue her masculine mode of life it was she who first began the conversation that morning gk t over your temper do you know you re becoming a perfect demon am i i said patiently fm sorry i used to be considered a good natured fool enough but had a great deal to vex me lately and i fancy you know the cause of my vexation yes she answered indifferently helping both me and herself to toast as she spoke i know but settled all that i never take long making up my mind we must part that s about the long and the short of the matter we can t work together it s no use oars won t pull we shall only upset the boat it s easily done have an agreement drawn up as they do for house sign it before witnesses and we split quite no and that will leave me free land comfortable for my tour my wonderful wife i your tour i echoed forgetting for a moment my own in the fresh surprise of this announcement are you going a and despite my wish to be gentle i am aware my voice was decidedly sarcastic in its what on pray politics or do you like the idea of becoming a platform woman as well be a platform woman as a platform man she replied with a touch of | 33 |
defiance ive got a good voice better than most men s and heaps to say i met a mr sharp down at he s an agent for that sort of thing out lots of both here and in the states he s agreed to farm out me good terms too he says he knows draw immensely all expenses paid in fact you needn t bother about making me any allowance unless you want to for form s sake i can earn my own living comfortably has he heard you lecture i inquired this independent latter part of her speech is he acquainted with your in that line she smiled a wide hard smile rather i gave them all a taste of my quality down at on man and i thought sharp would have split with laughing awfully funny fellow sharp sharp by name and sharp by nature but he s first class awfully first class i signed the agreement with him before leaving l o my wonderful wife without consulting me i observed very and kind on your part oh bother she said rapidly wives don t consult their husbands nowadays that sort of thing s exploded each party his or her own affairs besides i knew you d make all manner of objections oh you did know that and i looked at her well in that case perhaps it will be best to do as you say agree to separate for a time at least though you have not thought of the child in the matter is he to be my care or yours good gracious yours of course she replied very emphatically i can t go about the country with a shrieking has he roared old into yet no he has not i said he has not indulged much in roaring as you call it since he left your tender maternal care i pronounced the words tender maternal care with marked and slightly scornful emphasis she glanced at me and her full lips curled look here mr william she announced you re a slow coach that s what you are a slow coach of very pattern your wheels want you take too long a time getting over the road and you talk a vast deal of old sentimental rubbish and i never could put up with sentimental my wonderful wife l l rubbish i hate it i hate too and you are a you want me me to be a thank nothing humble servant yours faithfully sort of woman dragging about the house with a child pulling at her skirts and worrying her all day long you want to play the male tyrant and don t you but you won t not with me at any rate you ve got a free woman in me tell you not a sixteenth century slave my constitution is as good as yours my brain is several degrees better i m capable of making a brilliant career for myself in any profession i choose to follow and you are and always will be a mere useful you are stop that is enough i said rising from the table you need not go out of your way to insult me pray spare yourself mere useful as i am i am man enough to despise vulgar and you though your conduct is are still woman enough to court and eagerly accept that questionable distinction as you so express it i am slow coach my ideas of womanhood are sadly old fashioned indeed i do not wish to play the male tyrant but i want to the part of the true lover and loyal husband and this is an honour unhappily denied to me our marriage has been an error it only remains to us now to make the best of our position you wish hired baby etc my wonderful wife to go your way and your way is distinctly not mine as you will not submit to me and have not so completely ignored my manhood as to submit to you why then it follows that we must separate let us hope let me hope that it may only be for a short time you may rely on my pursuing the honourable fidelity i swore to you on our marriage day and i i paused then continued earnestly i would not insult you by to question yours again i waited she was quite silent but she drew from her side pocket her case of and lighting one puffed away at it in a meditative fashion this is a fast age i went on and it an number of fast women and men but i want you to believe if you can that chivalry is not altogether extinct that there are a few gentlemen left of which class i hope i may humbly call myself one a very dull gentleman no doubt but who still would rather lead a lonely and life in the world than interfere with your happiness or spoil what you imagine to be the brilliant promise of your independent career you have never deemed yourself under any sort of authority to me that would be too a notion for an advanced feminine intelligence like yours here she puffed out the smoke from her lips in little artistic rings so that there is my wonderful wife no need to say to you be at liberty you are at liberty you always have been no doubt you always will be but there are various sorts of liberty one is the non restraint and enjoyed by young men about town whose families are utterly indifferent to their fate and this is what you seem to desire another is that gentle latitude controlled by the affectionate solicitude and protection of those who love you better than themselves another and here we find | 33 |
my wife were dead or at any rate gone on some exceedingly far journey from which it seemed highly probable she would never return so that i received a positive shock of surprise one afternoon when on arriving at my club i found a letter addressed to me in the big bold handwriting which was like s in the world so thoroughly characteristic was it of and of alone i opened it with a sort of eager was she the step she had taken and was this to propose a friendly meeting with a view to in joy and sorrow once more a thick card dropped out of the envelope picked it up without looking at it my eyes were fixed on the letter itself my wife s letter to me which ran as follows my wonderful wife dear done the provinces and am coming to london to give a lecture in prince s hall as youve never heard me hold forth i a ticket five shilling p so i hope you ll be comfortable it s a good seat where you ll have a straight view of me any way how are you first class i hope never was better in my life am leaving for the states in the middle of march they re me there now i m beating all the whistling ladies hollow would you like to dine with me at the before i start if so come behind the platform after the lecture and let me know yours ever dine with her at the she seemed to entirely forget that i was her husband her separated deserted husband it was the letter of a man to a man yet she was my wife parted from me but still my wife dine with her at the never never i put the letter back in its envelope with trembling fingers and then looked at the ticket the five shilling good heavens i thought i should have tumbled in a heap on the carpet so great was my astonishment and dismay this is what i read mv wife prince s hall lecture bt mrs subject on the of apparel for women i tbe of women s dress generally tbe superior comfort enjoyed by men quality and of men s the advantages of social k the will give from time to time practical to commence at p m precisely admit one men s apparel for women social practical illustrations of the theory ye gods i gasped for breath and staggered to an arm chair wherein i sank exhausted by the excess of my wonder the idea of the practical illustrations was what worried me i tried to imagine their nature but failed in the effort i could not conceive any practical illustrations on such a subject possible in public would she have an pile of men s garments on a table beside her and taking them up one by one point out their various attractions would she discourse on the simplicity of the shirt the rapid sliding on of the trousers the easy charm of the waistcoat and the graceful gaiety of the monkey jacket my wonderful wife i i would she attempt to describe the proper setting of a stiff collar for instance no let her not dare such a task as this let her not presume to touch on that point of sublime masculine agony my t wn collar became suddenly ill fitting as i thought of it and up against my ear full of that wild rage which a man when his linen him i flew to the looking glass and busied myself for some minutes setting it straight my countenance darkening into an red as i strained at the button hole and button d n it there it was all right now and heaving a sigh of relief i sat down again and fell into a melancholy reverie i would not go and dine the with that wonderful wife of mine everybody said she was wonderful and i don t deny it no i would not but should go and hear her lecture this was the question that now tormented me perhaps it would be wise on my part perhaps my very presence would arouse in her mind some touch of remorse some tinge of regret for days that once had been ah days that once had been that sounded uke poetry and i knew where i had heard it a sweet maid of about fifty had sung it at mrs s the other evening in a voice that sounded rather like a penny whistle which had got a drop of water into it by mistake i it under my breath i j my wonderful wife we wandered by the little that sparkled o er the green and oh we d the ry still of days that once o once ha ad been ah might sparkle over any amount of green but would never wander by them more never never she never had wandered and she never would wander the wandering business was reserved for me here i recognized that my thoughts were becoming confused and rising i thrust my wife s letter and the five shilling ticket into my pocket to think no more about it as a matter of fact however i did think more about it i thought about it so much that at last i could not get it out of my head the subject of that threatened on the of men s apparel for women wrote itself on the air before me i found myself looking into shops with a morbid curiosity and wondering how such and such a check or striped pattern would suit pretty little who in the june of that year was to be made of and then i took to how i a specimen of despised and wretched man should figure in | 33 |
with a much worn pair of kid gloves came to my assistance took my my wonderful wife ticket and beckoned me in a ghostly manner to follow him i obeyed with a deep sense of confusion upon me did he guess i was the s despised husband i wondered and was that the reason why he smiled so displaying a set of extremely yellow teeth as i stumbled with a muttered thanks into the middle of the very front row oi right opposite the platform it was very warm i thought excessively so for march and wiping my heated brow i looked about me the hall was filling fast and the suppressed and laughter continued two of the gentlemen with the hair before mentioned were ushered into the seats on each side of me they were stout and i was thin so that i seemed to be thrown in casually between them like the small piece of meat in a station they were old acquaintances evidently and conversed now and then with each other behind my back one scattering of recent ale from his beard the other a warm breath down my neck but i was always a timid man and a patient one i did not like to move from the seat had specially chosen for me and i never was successful in the art of casting indignant glances out of the comer of my eye so i sat very quiet nervously with the printed of lecture which was a mere repetition of what had already been announced on the ticket oc the hired baby etc my wonderful wife admission and waiting in really dreadful suspense for my wife s appearance the hall was now pretty full a good many occupying the balcony as well they were admitted i afterwards heard for the modest sum of eight o clock struck and punctual to the minute there stepped briskly on the platform a young fellow who was greeted with quite a burst of tumultuous shouting and applause i gazed at him i supposed he had come to say that mrs was not quite ready but that she would appear immediately when he suddenly smiled and gave me a friendly nod of recognition good heavens the young fellow was herself i turned faint and giddy with surprise yes it was dressed precisely like a man in an ordinary suit of rough the only difference being that the coat was rather more ample in its skirts and was made to come slightly below the knee i stared and stared and stared till i thought my eyes would have dropped out of my head on the floor shirt front high collar waistcoat trousers everything complete there she was all ready ready and willing to to make a fool of herself yes it was nothing more or less than this and i realized it with indignation and shame had i not occupied such a prominent seat i should then and there have left the hall indeed i was almost on the point of doing so when her voice struck through the my wonderful wife air with that it always possessed the subdued murmur and of the audience ceased and there was an expectant silence ladies and gentlemen said the you are very welcome here she raised her hat and smiled i forgot to mention that she wore a regular when she first came on for the sole reason as it now appeared of practically the careless mode of a man s salutation you see how i greet you easily and without affectation i do not to you like a receiving an unexpected shilling nor do i perform a back sweeping reverence like a fashionable who desires her audience to mentally calculate the cost of her gown before the value of her voice i raise my hat to you i put it down altogether a simple action which that i am at home with you for the present so perfectly at home that i have no intention of taking an abrupt leave another smile and the was placed on a chair beside her and a violent clapping of hands mingled with some faint rewarded these first sentences she ruffled up her short hair and bringing the desk more into position turned over the pages of a manuscript with a considering air thus giving the audience time to study her through their opera glasses and the to take notes l o my wonderful wife j fine woman isn t she whispered the ale man behind me to his press comrade can t tell replied this other wants her own clothes on to show her off she may have a shape or she may not that coat detection they laughed silently and went to work in their note books while i wondered how long i should be able to endure my horrible i pictured myself as suddenly rising in my with hands uplifted in frantic protest at the whole performance or perhaps and this seemed more probable in my condition i should laugh laugh so loudly and so long that i should be taken for a lunatic and led out of the hall by the gentleman with the yellow teeth and who would straightway confide me to the care of a policeman if i could only get away from those two but i could not i was the of fate the meat between the bread and bit by bit misery was devouring me and in another minute began and i listened like one who hears awful in a bad dream against the inconvenience of women s dress generally she poured the most violent of heavy skirts that the movements of the limbs she said legs openly but i have too much respect for the scruples of my dead grandmother to so far of numerous and unnecessary of of my wonderful wife l l what are of of of cushions | 33 |
left hand the man with the beard wiping away the moisture of merriment from his eyes bent towards me in the of his heart and whispered what a game isn t it i looked at him with a sad and frozen stare i was too wretched to be indignant and managed to force a smile and stiff nod of assent he seemed rather taken by my expression for the mirth passed off his face leaving only a surprise he mused within himself for a while and again the ale scented beard approached my ear know her perhaps do you i i knew her once i replied he glanced at me more curiously than before i wonder where her husband is was his next remark can t imagine i said with and desperate he into meditative silence and began drawing a little of on a blank page of his note book she meanwhile resumed l my wonderful wife i am very glad ladies and gentlemen that i have provoked you to laughter very glad as this behaviour on your part me more than ever of the value of my theory all great ideas have been first laughed at ever since the world began the notion of steam as a motive power was laughed at the atlantic cable wire was laughed at and naturally the proposition of men s clothing for women must like all other be at the outset laughed to scorn also but nevertheless it will take root it ts taking root and it will win its way in spite of all opposition certain objections have been raised to my views on behalf of trade the question as to what would become of a large portion of trade if women dressed like men has often been represented to me as a very serious but say that the freedom health and comfort of women are more to be considered than any trade let trade take care of its own concerns as best it may injured in one branch it will balance itself in another and we are not bound to take it at all into our calculations the liberty the perfect liberty of woman is what we have to strive for and part of this grand object will be attained when we have secured for her the physical condition boasted of and enjoyed by her man say would you nurse the babies in jacket and trousers asked some one at the back of the hall in a my wonderful wife high tone which was distinctly a ripple of laughter again ran through the audience and looked about her it is not my province to reply to the of mere vulgar impertinence she snapped out cries of oh oh there seems to be some individual present let us hope he may be persuaded to retire then ensued a vast deal of on the part of the gentleman with the yellow teeth and a general confused murmur which ended in the individual openly standing up and showing himself to be a tall rather fine looking fellow with that sort of ease and good humour about him which often the western american fm not my he observed cheerfully but ril leave this hall at once with a good deal more pleasure than i came into it why it me all the wrong way to hear you going on like this about equality in clothes and such like nonsense go home my go home and get into a pretty gown and take two or three hours to fix yourself before your looking glass if you like and when youve yourself up as sweet and pretty as you can be see if you don t make more way with the ruling of man than you ever will on a platform that s all i n my wonderful wife say i m off home and for interrupting the performance good night and amid the smiles and encouraging glances of the whole audience the long departed and as he went i saw him tip the gentleman with the yellow teeth who became with in consequence with his departure took up the thread of her discourse but she was now very angry and evidently very impatient her visitor had put her into an extremely bad humour she made short work of the quality and of men s clothing but when she reached the advantages of social she became positively regardless of or she raged against the of the system of marriage as now practised of the and degradation inflicted on women who thus fulfilled their miserable but still natural destiny of the crushing methods employed deliberately by the male sex to break the spirit and render the position of the feminine and touching on the subject of love she seemed to grow inwardly and outwardly with scorn love she exclaimed we all know what it is nowadays a silly and always consent to spoon on the part of the man and an equally silly but ready to be my wife on the part of the girl who is not yet awake to the of her position nothing more than this it is ridiculous what can be more utterly absurd than to see a free and independent woman allowing her hand to be kissed or her lips for that matter by a so called lover who is after all accepted merely as a business partner in life and who pays her these grotesque attentions only as a sort of immense favour out of his offensive benevolence for her supposed weakly clinging and helpless nature oh it is time we should rebel against such complacent it is time i say that women who are resolved to walk in the full light of liberty should cast off the of old custom and prejudice and adopt every right every privilege which the other sex wish to her from enjoying let foolish | 33 |
feminine minds cling if they will do so to the delusion that man s love will protect and defend them that it is their chief glory of life to be loved and that their chief aim is to render themselves worthy of love these are the wretched of their own and their will never true progress is barred to them the door of wisdom is in their faces those who choose this called love must sacrifice everything else it is a binding influence in which one life depends almost entirely upon the other that other often proving too feeble and insufficient to i go my wonderful wife port even itself be free women be free freedom never independence never progress never be ashamed to allow men one of that superiority they claim to possess dispute with them for every inch of the ground in every profession that you are desirous of entering and beware beware of yielding one single point of your hardly gained independence will flatter you they will tell the of you that she is a to gain their own private ends they will make big eyes at you and will sigh audibly when they find themselves next to you at a concert or theatre but these tricks are practised for a purpose to and you into becoming their slaves i resist them resist them with your utmost might you will find the task easier when you have thrown aside all useless and and adopted their garments and with their garments their liberty they will accept you then as equals as comrades as friends no they won t shouted the person in the balcony they will leave off their foolish by jove that they certainly will cried the voice again and you will occupy that distinct equality of position which will you if gifted to rank with all the male of the century freedom that should be woman s watch word freedom entire and absolute fight for it women work for it die for it if need my wonderful wife be and resist to the last gasp the treacherous and called love imposed upon you by man with this she concluded rolled up her manuscript gave it a and bowed of course the audience applauded her to the echo so great was their good nature and sense of the ridiculous and when she clapped on her and marched off the platform they summoned her back again just for the fun of seeing her lift that hat of hers in airy response to their the on each side of me rose i rose also and for my overcoat under the seat she s great fun said the man with the beard to his comrade yawning she s going to the states isn t she yes replied the other she ll draw there and no mistake i wonder said the first speaker again i wonder where the poor devil of a husband is far enough away i should think returned his friend these sort of women never have any husbands they take business partners don t you know and whenever there s a difference of opinion they getting their coats on they sauntered down the hall grinning i following them with dazed aching eyes q my wonderful wife a burning brow i glanced back once and once only at the now vacant platform ah you may wait you may wait as long as you please expecting to see me come to you and make an appointment to dine at the but you will wait in vain the degradation of a husband shall never you more the of the married state shall never again you from the of your masculine independence william himself from your path and the only you will ever have of his existence is your allowance paid through your with regularity and thus i mused as i mingled with the crowd pouring itself out of prince s hall and heard the and and freely bestowed on the lady by several members of her late audience what a cure she looked said one man as he himself past me what a fool she made of herself remarked another i wonder she isn t ashamed ashamed my dear fellow don t expect ladies in trousers to be ashamed of an their blushing days are past after hearing this i made haste to pass through the throng and escape into the open air as speedily as possible for though might not be able to blush blushed for her blushed so that i felt my my wonderful wife q blood to the very tips of my ears to be compelled to listen while my wife s name was about from one to the other with careless jest and light impertinence was exceedingly bitter to me and i breathed a sigh of relief when i found myself in the outer here close by the door were two individuals young men one apparently up the other who was almost in a dying condition of laughter laughing so much indeed that it appeared he could not stop himself and again and again his broke out till he laid his head feebly back against the wall with his mouth still open and shutting his eyes pressed one hand upon his side and seemed about to slip helplessly on the ground a prey to excess of companion was laughing too but less violently come home old fellow i say do come home he implored don t stand grinning there you ll have a crowd round you come on i can t gasped the one i shall drop down on the way oh by jove wasn t it just rich the comfort of trousers ha ha ha ha ha and she wore them ha ha ha that was the best of it she wore them ha ha | 33 |
ha ha ha and off he went again into hysterical i surveyed him with mild wonder and scorn it was rather dark and at first i could not distinguish his features the hired baby etc my wonderful wife very clearly especially in their condition but as t passed out into and had the advantage of the brilliant light over the doorway i saw and recognized him t recognized him with more indignation than a whole dictionary of powerful could express it was that horrid with the wretch not on the river this time not in the river where in that first savage moment i would have willingly pitched him he had actually come to grin at and over my misery and make game in his fashion of the whole spectacle it was a wonder i did not knock him down on the spot but he did not appear to see me and i marched past him and his looking friend out into where i solemnly swore before all the coming and going that if ever i met the fellow again l would cut him dead not that he would mind that a bit but it would at any rate be some slight satisfaction to my deeply wounded feelings and now there remains but little more to add to this plain domestic history with night that wretched night ended all the hope i had ever entertained of coming to a better and happier with she is still her and i in consequence am still a lonely man my boy goes to school now a bright little chap who up to the present has never seen his mother since wonderful wife his infancy he takes his holidays at house in whither i accompany him and behold in little george a womanly wife who knows how to make her husband perfectly happy but all the same my wife is notorious and the young of is not never gets into the papers at all except when she is mentioned in the list of the queen s drawing room is always in them in season and out of season she has in america she has in she has made the tour of all the world she has even shot in india and during a visit to turkey took to the real original long pipe concerning the de lights of which she wrote an elaborate essay in one of the sporting papers and here i may as well mention that i myself am no longer a lover of tobacco in any shape or form my marriage with a female cured me of that vice if it was a vice anyhow i am positively convinced that if had not learned how to smoke from that school riding master accursed be his memory she would scarcely have adopted one by one as she did all the other followed in the train of her first it is all very well to tell me that spanish women and russian women and women smoke let them do so if they like they are nothing to us nor we to them but for heaven s sake let us ward off that m x s my wonderful wife sweet fair english women who are the pride of our country and the prettiest and to look at in the whole world my wife is now an i believe she is never seen without a cigar in her mouth and i have unfortunately been powerless to prevent it but i think nay i almost venture to hope she is an exceptional sort of woman old and intimate friends when speaking of her to me always say that wonderful wife of yours and i know she is wonderful i am sure she is i admire her respectfully from a distance i have no moral to charge against her she is what the americans call square in every particular she is clever she is brilliant she is daring and though she is now getting rather coarse in build she is still handsome she is run after by a certain portion of society and by a certain class of young men she has not yet got her way about men s clothes and has to to the of society in that respect the eyes of the curious public are fastened upon her wherever she appears and she that doubtful which to people who are always pushing themselves to the front without any claim to remarkable merit but it was i who married her to my unhappy lot it fell to test her value as a wife her tenderness as a mother and as the melancholy result of that experience i must honestly declare that wonderful as she is and wonderful as she my wonderful wife always will be i am still compelled to acknowledge that notwithstanding ail her and in spite of whatever the daily telegraph may think of me the deplorable fact remains namely that i her husband am unable to live with her stray sketches the girl shades of fair maidens and of ye if you could once more come among us and see the changes that have been wrought since your departure to the land of the would not your delicate cheeks flush and your modest eyes look downward to the earth in very shame at the of your sex what in this magnificent miserable far searching much losing nineteenth century is there can there be such a thing as the of womanhood not possible bear witness oh platform women who stalk with manly stride across the boards and give lectures on and bear witness oh triumphant female of woman s rights who proudly the divided skirt bid yelling defiance to the tyrant man bear witness ye strange clad in coats and deer hats who swing your as you walk down street leaving us in doubt as to whether you | 33 |
up from their nest if we were to try and climb as high as that great purple passion flower above which looks to us like a glowing star we should and fade our stems would grow thin and weak our blossoms poor and we never have the least wish to be other than simple and yet humble as we are are we not loved are we not worn on brave hearts and carried in fair and sometimes are we not tenderly laid as the last most appropriate gift in the hands of the happy dead need we wish for more and they their leaves softly as though they smiled and i said a blue italian lily see how kind fate has been to me i sought no home but the italian fields where my leaves drank in the colour of the sky and my heart opened to catch the golden glory of the sun i sought no honour i no distinction yet am i hailed by enthusiastic hearts as the emblem of italy and therefore the of art who could hold higher honours than i and yet i sought them not sweet sang all the blossoms together sweet are girl our lives and wonderful is the care bestowed upon us only fragile flowers are we and yet how we are loved even here how beautiful a crystal house has been built for us we are tended every day and we live in the joy of knowing that our lives are pleasant to all who look upon us we asked for nothing and yet all is sl and they their together and their voices that i heard or seemed to heat in my fancy sank gently into silence and i thought then how sweet might be the lives of women the flowers of the human race if they would be content to be flowers only and not try to be trees which they never can be how many and of are their fragrance and destroying their natural grace by the wild senseless efforts they are making to become the equals of men how is it possible to alter the of nature and nature has made woman s place in the world subordinate to that of man i am told that the medical profession for instance is one that is very advisable for women to follow it may be so but i hope i shall be for having my doubts upon the subject a woman s sphere is unquestionably one of home duties and i would infinitely rather see her train herself to be a first rate house and parlour maid than watch her career as a physician at the social science con the other day a learned man speaking of stray sketches tion health described in the most earnest language the sorrow and dismay he experienced after visiting the of and such women as i saw there he said gravely will never be the mothers of heroes the history of the coming generation may be in that brief sentence is it impossible for women to remain in the place where nature put them can they not be contented with their lot which is surely intended to be one of love and peace there are many brave true hearted men who are yet romantic enough in this so practical age as to feel to their very hearts the truth of the lover s words in s what care i who in this stormy gulf have found a pearl the counter charm of space and hollow sky and do accept my madness and would die to save from some slight shame one simple girl but then she must be a simple girl indeed not a would be man in no woman can ever hope to awaken this exquisite tenderness this delicacy of emotion in the heart of any man if she in his manners his dress his customs if she dares and instead of softening and soothing him if she attempts to measure her strength against his in questions of law and with which she is by toe girl g nature totally to deal and if she thrust herself into professions which will in the long run have the effect of totally her and rendering her even at the best only an object of kindly and ridicule in the eyes of all sensible beings no with all due deference to the of the higher education of women i would propose to them even a higher flight than they seem yet to have attempted namely that they should teach two great lessons of life the worth of which can never be measured or valued too highly humility and contentment roses are satisfied to be roses why not women to be women ae hired baby io stray sketches tiny the idea of childhood is generally associated in our minds with mirth grace and beauty the fair haired blue eyed treasures of proud and tender mothers the plump rosy little ones whose fresh young hearts know no sorrow save the sometimes longing for a new toy or new game these are the fairy blossoms of our lives for whom childhood really exists and for whose dear we think no sacrifice too great no pain too wearisome no work too heavy so long as we can keep them in health strength and happiness and ward off from their lives every shadow of suffering and as we caress our own and listen to their merry voices and their delightful laughter we find it difficult to realize that there are other children in the world bom of the same great mother nature who live on without even knowing that they are children and who have begun life in the bitterest manner at a time when they can scarcely children to whom toys are inexplicable mysteries and for whom the bright regions of have never been tiny these poor little and no matter how young they | 33 |
are in years are old one might almost say they were bom old they are familiar with the dark and crooked paths of life and the broad shining golden road of love duty wisdom and peace has never been pointed out to their little feet homes for destitute children may and do exist and of all kinds are open to those who seek them and yet in spite of all that is done or is doing poor child walk the earth and meet us in streets and country roads clothed in rags their pinched faces with dirt and tears and their tiny voices to the beggar s while too often alas their young hearts are already withered by the influences of deceit and cunning the other day one of these tiny came to my door and implored in piteous accents for a crust of bread he was a pretty little fellow of some seven or eight years old and his blue eyes looked bright with innocence and trust his tiny naked feet were cracked and sore and covered with mud and his clothes were in so dirty and ragged a condition that it seemed a miracle how they could hang together at all through the large holes in these wretched garments however might be seen many pretty of soft pink and white skin and his face was as plump and fair and rosy as the mother could desire it to be stray sketches nevertheless he assured me in the most mournful manner that he was very cold and hungry and that his feet were so very sore he could scarcely stand so without more we took him into the kitchen bathed his feet for him in refreshing warm water and provided him with a warm pair of stockings and a strong pair of boots then we put him on a chair by the fire and him with a large bowl of which he appeared to enjoy exceedingly a piece of cake was then given to him as a concluding relish and when he had quite finished his meal i asked him where he was going my small tramp his into his eyes and mournfully replied home where is home i inquired with mother and where does mother live please m she lives on the road lives on the road i exclaimed but where does she sleep on the road m please m i looked at the small in silence he met my glance with a weird of his eyes and eyebrows which gave him an expression that was half plaintive half cunning what road does she live on i asked please m any road as comes tiny i sighed involuntarily he was such a pretty child and what a life seemed in store for him what does your mother do i continued please m she yes m an an buttons and hooks and eyes i knew the kind of woman she must be bold and dirty most likely wearing a bonnet on one side of her head and brass rings on her fingers a woman with a voice with which she herself into the good graces of servants and persuaded them to purchase her goods have you a father i asked yes m he drunk m the idea of the father at once i continued my why doesn t your mother send you to school i m here the small were into the eyes more violently than ever where is your mother now i m well then how are you going to find her i m i kin try do you know where to try yes m i knows her do you mean the public house stray sketches yes m please m and as if the recollection of the had suddenly aroused him to action the little forlorn wanderer slipped off his chair by the fire and prepared to start i fastened an old warm cloth jacket round him and turning his little rosy face up that i might survey it closely i said now suppose you cannot find your mother will you come back here take care of you till we can find her for you and you shall have some more cake do you understand yes m stop a minute i said and seizing a scrap of paper i hastily wrote the words should you wish this child taken care of put to school and brought up to earn an honest you can call at this house any day during the next three weeks and adding my name and address i sealed the paper carefully then putting it in the pocket of the jacket i had just given him i again addressed my small tramp will you give that letter to your mother when you find her he looked decidedly astonished and somewhat doubtful about the propriety of to this request but after a moment of consideration he gave me his invariable reply yes m please m raising the child in my arms i kissed his rosy in tiny face my heart swelling with pity for his hard fate and then i led him to the front door he made a kind of attempt at a salute by pulling one of his chestnut curls into his eyes and then scrambled down the steps and ran away while i rushed to my window which commands an entire view of the street and watched him he looked round now and then to see if any one were near and finding the road pretty well deserted he finally seated himself on a and i was able to observe the whole of his proceedings which filled me with the greatest surprise and dismay the first thing he did was to take off the boots and stockings with which he had been provided and to tie them in a bunch together he then deliberately walked into a heap of the black mud he could find | 33 |
and and about therein till the feet which had been so nicely washed were as black and as they could well be this done he took off the warm jacket and it up in as small a bundle as he could manage to make he tucked it under his arm then giving himself two or three shakes which had the effect of displaying the large holes in his own tattered garments to the best advantage he uttered a sort of wild or yell and up the street as fast as he could go he disappeared from my sight i knew his destination as well as if it had been told to me then and there he was going to convert l stray sketches that jacket and those boots and stockings into money at the nearest old clothes shop and then he would no doubt hasten to his mother s and detail to her his successful morning s adventure she would take the money he had obtained for the clothes and perhaps give the child for himself as reward for his and there would be an end while certainly the letter i had prepared would never be thought of or even discovered unless by some old jew who would not comprehend its meaning yet could i blame the poor little tramp for his behaviour no indeed i only pitied the unfortunate child more than ever trained to deceive as thoroughly as we train our children to speak the truth could anything else have been reasonably expected of him it would have been a real matter for surprise had he acted differently still i was foolish enough to feel somewhat disappointed for the boy s face had attracted me it is curious too to observe how very many attractive child faces there are among the little of the london streets children with beautiful eyes and hair children whose flesh is a perfect marvel of softness and fair delicacy in spite of the dirt that them from top to toe and children whose limbs are so gracefully and finely formed and whose whole manner and bearing are so lofty that one would almost deem them to have been bom in the purple an excellent type of the tramp tiny aristocracy came to me one morning in the shape of an italian boy of about ten or eleven years of age who strolled under my window prettily enough the of a much used far travelled but still i have always an extra soft heart for these from my own sunny land of song and i immediately called him and entered into conversation with him he told me he had travelled far and earned little and that he seldom had enough to eat but he was merry oh yes he said smiling his bright southern smile he was always hopeful and light hearted some peculiarity in his accent impelled me to ask him if he were not from and never shall i forget the superb gesture of head and the proud flash of his eyes as he drew himself up and replied with dignity no to son i am a roman if he had declared himself an emperor he could not have asserted himself with more dignity many a languid through the of fashion might have envied his grace of figure and bearing there was a very interesting account once in the telegraph concerning two baby known as sally and her sally was eight and her boy companion the was nine no matter how great the distances each had to during the da s l stray sketches obedience to the will of the parents or masters who employed them to beg or sell matches in the streets as surely as the evening fell these two were always found together some irresistible attraction some inexplicable sympathy drew them together and the poor little things entertained for each other so harmless and withal so true an affection that even the coarse companions with whom their lot was cast were touched by their behaviour and spoke with rough akin to respect of sally and her and to interfere with their pretty and pathetic little romance i wondered at the time if anything would be done for this forlorn little couple but the matter seems to have died out in mere sentiment and sally and her will no doubt be left to grow up as such children do grow up in vice and misery a great step in advance has been made since the great english author charles wrote his famous poem the souls of the children which so powerfully impressed the late prince that he had thousands of copies printed at his own personal expense and them freely all over the land this poem helped largely to influence the minds of and in favour of universal popular education but surely there yet remains much to be done true the question may be justly asked can anything more be done it is indeed terrible to think that tiny iq we must always be doomed to see sorrow ignorance and vice on the tender flower like faces of the very young and that there must always be in spite of the efforts of the wisest and best men a large majority of and children for whom there is and can be no hope of good must there be a perpetual sacrifice of the to the god of all evil one of the sights to me among all the sad sights of london are the neglected children who have somehow the kindly meant though occasionally stem grasp of the government officials and who have literally nothing to hope for nothing to render their lives of value to the nation and who as far as their wretched parents are concerned might be better out of the world than in it the streets swarm with such helpless little ones and yet it seems impossible to do more than is being | 33 |
as society may be we like to think that there is good lurking a word about somewhere beneath its evil of beauty and desolate as an age of and gold gathering selfishness always is we like to hope that it may prove a mere passing storm cloud clearing the sky perchance for brighter and more wholesome weather why therefore s characters of good women should as a rule be foolish and come to a miserably end while her characters of and should nearly always be triumphant is a question that only herself can answer as i do the force of her inspiration it is a matter of both wonder and regret to me that her brilliant pen has so often been used for the of social and moral but while the fact i still assert genius genius not mere talent is in this woman and it is my habit to honour genius as a from the gods where ever and however it flashes across my path i have never met madame de la ram and certain well persons have assured me that should i ever venture into her presence i should probably meet with a rough reception as say the she hates her own sex this may be or it may not but as i never pin my faith on rumour i am inclined to give the benefit of the doubt at all events no on her part would alter or in the least the current of a certain homage on mine i cannot for example withhold my the hired ba etc stray sketches from the woman who wrote the following passage on the world s greatest poet shakespeare it is taken from the fine story of can you read shakespeare you think greater of course you do being an italian but you are wrong never got out of his own narrow world he filled the great blank of the hereafter with his own and he his finest verse with false to rail at a foe or a his eternity was only a mill pond in which he should be able to drown the dogs he hated a great man oh yes but never by a league near shakespeare sympathy is the hall mark of the poet genius should be wide as the heavens and deep as the sea in infinite comprehension to understand that is i the breath of its life whose understanding was ever as boundless as shakespeare s from the woes of the i mind to the joys of the yielding virgin i from the of the king and the conqueror to j the clumsy glee of the and the fi om the highest heights of human life to the lowest of it he comprehended all that is the wonder of shakespeare no other writer was ever so i and if one thinks of his manner of ufe it is the more utterly surprising with everything in his birth in his career in his temper to make him c and he has never a taint of either a word about or revolt for shakespeare to have to bow as a mere in s house it would have given any other man the of a thousand with that divinity in him to sit content under the trees and see the ride by in state one would say it would have poisoned the very soul of st john himself yet never a drop of or envy came in him he had only a witty smile at false and a of compassion that pitied the tyrant as well as the and the of as well as the loneliness of poverty that is where shakespeare is he is as absolutely impartial as a greek chorus and thinking of the manner of his life it is marvellous that it should have bent him to no bias him to no prejudice if it were the of coldness it would be easy to imitate but it is the of sympathy boundless and generous as the sun which shines upon the meanest thing that lives as liberally as on the summer rose that is why shakespeare is as far higher from as one of s angels from the earth now the men critics who as soon as a novel of s comes in for review murmur oh she s always good game and scratch off at once half a column of smart would be than they are ever likely to be if they could w v a stray sketches passage of pure eloquent english as this nay if a man instead of a woman aad written it he might and would be proud men are far more conceited concerning their literary efforts than women and though i do not wish to claim for any position that she is not in the opinion of more experienced judges entitled to possess i do claim for her simple justice justice my lords and gentlemen pause and consider before falling foul of and his exaggerated masculine beauty whether there is not an truth firmness and of in the character of s half brother john the cruel cunning pitiless creature whose actions all spring from self interest and the inherited thirst of vengeance you will search in vain through the pretty stories of william black the weary ful of w d or any named of hall s for so powerfully drawn a human type as this who lives in the printed page as absolutely as as any one of s heroes turn to and if you are thoroughly matter of fact pass over all the wanderings of the self man his concealed but infinitely tender and romantic passion for the spoilt child but read every word of it mind read the scene with the on the coast of spain if such a passage as that had been found in one of walter a word about scott s or | 33 |
about when writing it has never to such a extent of mind as that her faults are those of reckless impulse and hurry of writing being a woman she has all that warmth and often mistaken of the pen which a man unless he be very young very gifted and very enthusiastic generally taking up her descriptive she her brilliant colours too rapidly and the male beings she draws beautiful as gods and muscular as s warriors become the laughing stock of men generally especially of the ugly and ones who compose the majority her lovely women are too lovely and invariably start a feeling of discontent in those members of the fair sex who are unable to spend a fortune on gowns love is the chief of all her novels and love such as she arising mainly from the attraction of sex to sex is of course impossible and absurd and wicked it does not exist in fact we love and marry because it is highly respectable so to do where there is plenty of money to live upon the strong bent of nature as hath it the sketches mortal the rose of joy no really really this will not do though declares it will it is wrong quite wrong the nineteenth century will not permit us to love any more we are requested to scheme instead and when our is successful and we are once married and established in a comfortable social position we can have what some call soul this is very nice and very romantic very moral and very pretty and in such an exalted state of virtue we naturally reject the novels with scorn especially that bitter biting one called friendship but though we need not praise the morals or the we must if we are not blind deaf and obstinate admire the eloquence there is no living author who has the same rush fire and beauty of language we are bound to admit this if we wish to be just there are plenty of authors though who think it no shame to steal whole passages from her books and them bodily word for word into their own productions and in the work of one third rate lady whom i will not name i have discovered more than twenty prose gems taken sentence for sentence out of without a shadow of difference however it is a strange but true fact that the deliberate robber of other people s ideas never the fame he or she attempts to steal a word about imitation may be the form of flattery but it is nearly always suicide to the the original conception triumphs in the end it remains while its feeble perish and the most labour can never compass even a of one line of sheer inspiration this gift of inspiration which cannot be bought or sold or taught possesses not in a small but in a very large and overflowing degree her faults judged by the rules of criticism may be manifold but it should always be remembered that she is a writer of romance and that she with the supposed romantic side of social ufe one cannot but think her recent article on a mistake yet it is only the result of her enthusiasm for the poet that makes her write such wild and whirling words as that a hundred thousand girls might esteem themselves happy to be sacrificed as a to s passion hundred thousand being in this instance a mere de it is the reckless expression of impulse and rash as it may be is more than the cold blooded of mrs who has recently made what seems like a deliberate and magazine appeal for universal probably the worst that can be said for is that she is a and an answer to that accusation is best given in her own eloquent way when the soldier dies at his post stray sketches and out of sheer duty is that unreal because it is noble when the sister of charity hides her youth under a grey and gives up her whole life to woe and solitude is that unreal because it is wonderful a man a candle a greasy cloth a cheese a can how real the people say if he the of dawn the light of the summer sea the flame of nights of woods they are called unreal though they exist no less than the candle and the cloth the cheese and the can all that is heroic all that is sublime or glorious is now as unreal it is a dreary creed it will make a dreary world is not my glass with its hues of as real every whit as your pot of yet the time is coming when morally and mentally at least will be allowed no other than a pot to drink out of under pain of being writ down an ass it is a dreary prospect true oh true our age is one of prose and we take deity for an and as its prophet of art of art social influence my dear social influence that is what you want says the fashionable mrs with gracious condescension the young who has brought her a letter of introduction from one of the first professors in italy you shall come and sing at one of my at homes for for no thing you understand and you will meet people that is all you require push push my dear fellow says my lord tom languidly staring through his eye glass at an on which stands a painting rich in colour and alive with genius the work of a shabby hungry looking man who brush in hand at his aristocratic swell visitor whom he half expects poor fellow will be his best friend and benefactor don t paint this kind of thing at all sunset sea clouds mountains all very nice very good | 33 |
form but too many pictures of sunset sea clouds mountains tu tell you what you shall paint lady tom s portrait for for of course and tu get stray sketches to notice it then you ll be the rage and so will lady tom veiy nice veiy nice indeed murmurs the successful stage manager to the unknown pretty woman full of nervous force and dramatic energy who has come to plead for work at his theatre very promising but and he his head i really don t think no i really don i think we have a and if we had you see you have no influence to back you up you couldn t pose for a httle in society as a professional beauty could you no money ah and i suppose you couldn t get credit that makes it very difficult but if you could manage the beauty and then come on afterwards to us we might try you you see it really doesn t matter to us whether you act well or ill there s only one theatre in london that goes in for the art of the thing at all and that s the we don t pretend to with henry we say will a woman go down with the public or won t she that s the test look at mrs tom she can t act a bit but she draws and she ll draw more by you can act evidently but that s no use not a bit poetry verse publish at our own risk my dear sir you must be dreaming the astonished eminent looking almost reproachfully at the noble head of art and flashing eyes of the new author who has just called upon him if we brought this book out we should have to charge you with all the expenses including it would probably cost you some fifty or sixty pounds and be a dead failure into the bargain certainly i admit the poems are fine so but what does that matter you might be a second shakespeare it wouldn t affect us a bit besides the critics are always down on verse it s their great fun poetry doesn t pay nowadays nobody wants it of course if you had plenty of money to throw away it might be a different matter but you say youve got none in that case dear me here he glances anxiously at his watch i haven t another moment to spare pray excuse me sorry i can t meet your wishes good morning and the eminent into his private den leaving the poet to pocket his manuscript and his way sorrowfully thinking perchance where are the of art in these days true where are they are mrs and my lord tom types of those whose privilege it is to have much of this world s goods given to them and whose duty it therefore is to assist those upon whom fortune but for whom art smiles oh my lords and ladies artists have very little reason to be grateful to you they know too well the limits of your generosity stray sketches you will large sums to where your names can be printed in newspapers and as having given so much but for the struggling genius for whom help if offered at all must be offered with rare delicacy and tact you have nothing but what you call social influence now what are these high sounding words social influence what do they mean to the gifted for instance simply that he is expected to off his particular talent at all the at homes he is invited to generally no payment at all is offered or if it be the sum is so slight that he is almost ashamed to take it and at these afternoon or evening he meets people oh indeed what people a crowd of persons among whom are amateur ballad singers thought readers and other half and half all supposed to be able to do something otherwise they would not be invited and all inclined to look coldly upon any especially if that new comer possesses real genius then the at home audience if one can call such frivolous of fashion an audience at all what is it mostly composed of women who are nearly all the time engaged in discussing one another s dress and appearance and who pay no attention whatever to the music this kind of thing repeated over and over again throughout the london season is supposed to be social influence and in the case of a lady it of art is a positive drag upon her and by no means an aid to her career singer ox the at home is played upon her and to go out to fashionable houses she must dress well to dress well she must have money but of this mrs and her crew take no thought they think it her duty to appear in elegant and to play or sing her best for what social influence say rather social fraud earnest influence sincerely used on behalf of struggling deserving artists is little known in england and when it is attempted it is too often in one of the most influential houses in london a teacher of singing who learned all he knows from a lady famous in her day whom he deceived and afterwards abandoned a modem of the worst type is received as the most trusted friend of the family in another a so called whose drawing room songs are the among feeble is and made as much of as if he were a second and in his own heart thinks himself vastly superior to the polish master here a a picture for five hundred guineas because the artist happens to be an man who can give excellent dinners | 33 |
and parties there a set of verses is published in one of the leading magazines of the the hired baby etc stray sketches day and why because its author is a what hope then is there for the few hard working people whose very life body and soul is in their art and who cannot help how they despise the goods that are accepted in place of sterling gold and silver for this is the age of sham sham jewels sham lace sham sham figures and worse than these merely outward things sham sentiment sham love sham benevolence sham patriotism sham politics sham all save one thing the love of money there s no sham about that in that we are horribly in earnest with the selfish devilish earnestness of professional who behold with a cynical smile the ruin of others themselves unmoved everything gives way before this chief vice and crowning passion a trifling difference about money matters will separate old will part lovers will sow bitter between husband and wife will make brothers enemies and will cause father and son to distrust and suspect each other s intentions but in matters of art is it not a question of money also naturally every artist seeks some slight reward for his work surely the is worthy of his hire but the of art too ofl en pay the hire to the wrong persons to the and who are to be found in every profession from the painting of christmas and birthday cards up of art to the writing of bad which somehow or other find their way into seemingly respectable magazines and who are crowding in the path of really gifted men and by the time the world holds out the wreath of honour to the long neglected genius whom it at last it is generally too late the tired hero soul has accepted its and turns with languor and from the and of men s reluctant praise it looks away beyond upward to those far vast regions where earth is accounted less than a pin s point of dew on the leaf of a flower such has been such is and such will be in nine cases out of ten the fate of genius in all its forms but dear me says society what else can be expected we always neglect our besides we really prefer people who are only just a little bit real are such queer creatures one is never quite sure what to say to them very true dear society i readily admit it you don t in the least know how to meet a superior your little are then no use to you your airs and graces are practised in vain in short you feel mean and aware of your own yes i know i quite understand but while i most keenly in the very natural desire you have not to see your ignorance e xl s stray sketches the of an or the sparkling wit of an re i do not hesitate to cry shame on a certain portion of your ranks namely that portion composed of the strictly fashionable ladies with plenty of money who pretend to the hard working of the musical profession i will here one or two instances that have come under my own personal observation one of a young lady well bom highly educated pretty and possessing extraordinary musical genius who called the other day on a sort of mrs woman taking with her a warm letter of introduction from one of mrs s own intimate friends mrs was dressing when the young lady arrived and contented herself with sending a message by her servant to the effect that she was engaged but would keep the artist s name and address just as if she were a a or a and of ladies false hair instead of being what she is a brilliant and perfect dame in the highest sense of those expressive french words another case is as follows at an afternoon assembly held in one of the best houses in town where the host and hostess are considered persons of some importance being connected with her majesty s household a new italian singer a beautiful woman with glorious dark eyes was asked and the of art asking sounded more like a command to sing with a sunny smile of assent she sang only a poet could express the beauty and fulness of her splendid voice the heart and passion with which she gave it utterance the people in the room listened open mouthed and staring she ceased they turned to resume their interrupted chatter making a few remarks such as these good voice as sings very well who is she oh no one of importance quite unknown c while the hostess walked stiffly up to her said thank you charmed tm sure and afterwards sang or rather shrieked forth a song herself all out of tune for which she was wildly applauded by her own special and by and by every one filed in to tea which was laid out in an adjoining apartment no man offered his arm to the italian she followed the crowd timidly and all alone the mistress of the house forgot to hand her a cup of tea and seeing her sitting thus sorrowfully apart i ventured to give her mine which had just been bestowed on me by one of the superior sex with a glass in his eye and a black moustache who evidently imagined himself just a trifle better looking than the god she accepted the poor refreshment with that sweet sudden smile which is the peculiar charm of some italian faces and a as softly stray sketches musical as of her own and for some ten or fifteen minutes we conversed together but every one else in the room seemed to have | 33 |
forgotten her presence and yet you may be sure the hostess considered herself as a patron of the new who naturally would have to be grateful for the social influence thus exerted a young told me a little experience of his own the other day he was invited to the house of a mrs van to her at home to play you will meet a good many influential people wrote mrs van b he went poor fellow having sacrificed two or three dinners to buy his gloves new patent leather boots and tie and was called upon to open the musical programme he did so cheerily and and received his poor round of applause he then sat down was introduced to nobody was never asked to play again and had the mortification to see a mere teacher of the piano who played but who was the private of mrs van herself asked to perform in the very middle of the proceedings when because there were more people in the room there was naturally more applause this is an ordinary example of social influence does mrs van think i wonder that she has assisted that young by asking him to perform at the very worst time of her at home as far as appreciation was of art concerned introducing him to no one placing an inferior above him and finally paying him nothing no mrs van b that artist has no reason whatever to be grateful to you he simply regrets the money he spent on the new gloves and boots he bought for the occasion and well he may for your influence will never gain him the worth of them one more instance though i could quote scores and i have done a gifted professional equal to any on the stage for the splendid force and fire of her delivery was asked recently to give two at the house of the of she accepted with joy she ordered an elegant dress for the occasion and not to disgrace her distinguished she hired a to take her to the s house and back saying to herself they will certainly give me ten guineas they are so rich and i can surely afford ten and six for a out of that so she went in proper style gave her and was applauded as much as the set ever does and then what happened the earl of gave her a half guinea alone in her returning home from her poor little triumph she searched among the flowers for the bank note which she thought might have been delicately placed there by her noble host and hostess alas ft stray sketches o the good intentions of the folk a presented by an earl is a sufficient reward for anybody surely but how about the and the dress and the bills coming in for both ah poor thing she shed many tears over her that night and who shall count the heart difficulties and sorrows that beset all artists in their upward climbing sorrows that are more often increased than lightened by the selfishness and of their so called there is no nowadays to rescue the unknown or who may be toiling away on the brink of starvation in his lonely garret there is no great hearted de to foster the very earliest promises of art in the artist and encourage his efforts with generous praise and substantial reward our prince of wales is not particularly interested in literature and art his efforts are principally directed to the of professional beauties on the stage where they cannot act and where they are permitted to remain notwithstanding their to the wonder impatience but gradual of the too good natured british public plenty of money is spent in useless luxuries there are women willing to pay fifty pounds for one dress who would grudge five guineas to if he condescended to play for them privately there are lords and who will give of art a thousand pounds for a horse and yet will screw down the foreign painter who their in superb to the of meanest but there is yet another view to be taken of the of art as they exist in this country should any of the unfortunate gifted ones who have been induced to soil the wings of her genius in the pit falls known as at homes happen to succeed at last and become famous what a chorus arises from the and and folk i her cries one i introduced him says another i used my best influence for him remarks my lord with an air of wealthy satisfaction without us she could never have succeeded adds my lady with a determined nod of triumphant self and so on without doubt if great folks did exert properly the influence they have by reason of their wealth and station they could do much for all who are in the various artistic professions but here a new difficulty presents itself some of the richest people in the metropolis are those who have made their money in trade who are as ignorant as they are rich and who are unable to distinguish between the artist and the to be a worthy patron of art requires not only wealth but intellectual culture stray sketches refinement delicacy and a great love of the beautiful all these attributes are very rarely found in the english or american british meanness especially in matters of art being john bull likes to stand aloof with his hands in his pockets struggling genius with a sort of languid curiosity and with philosophy help and all your friends will love you naturally for in success friends are not needed we are always so ready to love those who don t want anything from us i know an extremely wealthy woman conspicuous for the large diamond rings she wears on her fingers and the innumerable gold and wherewith she her | 33 |
stout arms who was recently asked to lend a very small sum of money to one who had been her in early youth a sum which would have served as a stepping stone for him to fame and fortune the lady professed the most sentimental tenderness for her dear dear old friend but hesitated about the loan how dreadful it would be if he could not pay it back she said with a sigh it will be much better not to lend it the value of one of her costly rings or glittering might have made her old friend s career yet she contemplated the dreadful possibility of his not being able to pay back her loan she never dreamed of making him a free gift of the sum he of art i needed preferring as such fine ladies generally do prefer the of personal to the glory of a soul s gratitude are there no of art yes a few such as the king and queen of italy the emperor and of and certain wealthy heads of historical houses who flourish under the rule of these continental but in england where shall we look for them the of the race course are plentiful too are the of opera where dancing in may be carried to the utmost limits of suggestive there are certain bars too in london presided over by advertised bar maids who count their among the nobility and gentry by the score but the of literature music painting or are few indeed it is a hard time just now for the delicate dreams and of genius and yet it is by genius alone that the nation must continue to live the names that to day through the educated world are not those of wealthy merchants or lofty they are the names of poets painters philosophers they who were the very life blood of the age in which they as some of the personages living in s time are only remembered because of his power in them as enduring the horrors of the or so it may be i stray sketches that this era will some day only be thought of on account of the great neglected who may be fighting with difficulties in some obscure comer at this very moment by so much as a line in the daily or weekly press queen was a great personage in her time her at were no doubt as brilliant as any attending queen victoria s yet she seems a shadowy and uncertain figure compared to the all embracing existence of shakespeare therefore though it is hard up hill work dear sons and daughters of art let none of you or faint by the way you are not so much in need of pity as are your so called for their eyes are blinded to all but things while yours can gaze upon things eternal for you the birds sing their secrets for you the flowers talk for you the clouds build fairy palaces to you the great heart of nature is bare as a on which divine are clearly inscribed your most of them at least see none of these wonders for them the curtain is down fortune never comes with both hands where she great wealth she oft en the enjoyment of true benevolence where she gives and luxury she refuses to add with it the understanding of love and charity be cheerful o artists of all be brave and work on patiently for if your re of art ward come not in this foolish brief of a world have no fear but that the highest patron of all the creator of art and the final of beauty will satisfy at last the unutterable of those among his faithful who tried in searching fire have not been found wanting stray sketches the slain it is announced says the literary gossip of an evening contemporary that still another of the critics is marching out to the oft slain that s popularity is a candid critic can hardly deny though the fact only seems to show how is the contemporary estimate of men of genius this and much more from the smart of the literary concerning one of the and most inspired poets that ever gave glory to england and it is quite true that in these latter days a most tendency has been displayed by the infinitely little class of writing men particularly small to the worth and the fame of the author of the envy of the lesser invariably out when they presume to the great and never did whose genius though far fix m approaching that of is still of a rare quality appear to poorer advantage than when he used his pen to attack the fame of his more imperial brother in the of song but it is not with the slain the unspeakable petty and subtle critical differences of the various followers of the semi obscure modem school of poetry that i have to do i would merely point out as briefly as possible a few facts in connection with the not slain facts of which the larger majority of english readers seem to be ignorant to begin with i am quite ready to admit that with the characteristic ingratitude of all purely commercial nations to their best literary men england does not in this her age of know or glory in him as she ought but is england with all her greatness the only country in the world surely there are a few others and i trust it will not vex the mind or upset the literary of any little modem to have this knowledge gently imparted to him namely that in france italy spain russia and greece s reign is absolutely supreme and on an almost equal footing with that of shakespeare indeed the french prefer him to shakespeare they give him a | 33 |
higher place of renown than their cherished de the hold him dear as or to the he is hero as well as bard and along the lovely shores of the lake of which he has by his fiery his name is the only one placed in companionship with that of is nowhere compared to him is stray sketches unknown and the same may be said of and as for the modern really it is very but the continent really knows nothing of the verse powers of mr par or sir or mr gk or alfred or or or any of this interesting and of course immortal group but they have the of greece translated into every tongue and many a in many a land knows its glorious by heart and can it with such as shall stir the soul of the listener dead in westminster abbey but that dreary ancient dean controlled was too small to hold for the largest part of the european thinking world has offered itself as his shrine the blue bright skies of greece italy and together to form as it were a perpetual cathedral dome for his memory the people of all art loving lands claim some in his genius it is no small triumph for an english bom poet to thus hold sway over the continent of europe and it is no small disgrace to england s literary critics that their hands should be the first to throw mud at his name there is no poetry written now a days that can bear an instant s comparison with s best work not a line not a verse what minor or major poet living can be found to the slain match the storm at night in and suggest such concentrated pent up power as is found in the closing of that immortal passage could i and now that which is most within me could i my thoughts upon expression and thus throw soul heart mind passions strong or weak all that i would have sought and all i seek bear know feel and breathe into one word and that one word were lightning i would speak but as it is i and die unheard with a most thought it as a sword nothing finer than this last could be imagined to imply the of even the strongest poet s soul to find expression in moments of intense and feeling hundreds of for beauty could be made from even his less refined work most of which is purity itself compared with the of and the novels of is a of mind analysis so is there is such heart fire and manly vigour even in some of the less perfect lines and that our own hearts when not made of the stone critic stuff respond naturally and involuntarily to the sheer inspiration of the man the verse of to day moves us not at all we it some of us over it and wonder why it was written few of us if any actually love it but v e io the hired baby etc stray sketches love we who have read for ourselves his burning verse the slain who is infinitely beyond all power to be slain we cherish his fame in spite of the little attacking pens of the period and if narrow england cannot glory in him wide europe can and does pity tis that the busy who find it such a congenial task to try and a poet s reputation when he is no longer here to answer or defend the charges made against the quality of his work do not endeavour to the petty envy and jealousy that can alone move them to such labours and seek to do something on a slightly higher level something at least that shall them to the respect and not expose them to the scorn of those great and intellectual nations with whom the name of is and will continue to be a lifted sign of unselfish heroism an music as well as a beloved and familiar household word literary london literary london the great metropolis the roaring rushing crowd made up of suffering men and women who whether young or old rich or poor bear on their brows the marks of care from which none escape no not even little children glance only at the ragged boys and girls selling matches in the streets look at their drawn and pinched features look at their miserable garments their naked swollen feet their pleading sorrowful eyes you cannot call them children no the joys of childhood are luxuries for the rich the poor cannot afford to be young but there are those in this cruel city of ours for whom poverty is worse than i mean the struggling and deserving author bom and bred as a gentleman who cursed with a fatal of disposition from degradation the man who has been accustomed to a from his birth dreams not of dwelling in a palace but be who is possessed with the terrible has high thoughts ideas grand aims but the end thereof is the bitterness of death it is an old story that of disappointed literary ambition and yet so v o sketches new is it that were an author of even small reputation to die in a garret of starvation there would be an of astonishment and incredulity with his talent if he had tried he could found employment not so gentle friends not so charitable readers of journals newspapers magazines and novels out of the flesh and blood of human beings nothing is more difficult than to find literary work in london for every vacant post there are a hundred or more and those who write books in the expectation of being paid for them live on a forlorn hope for now a days there | 33 |
to along the streets vaguely abashed instead of walking erect among your fellow men in independent ease this is the sort of poverty i mean this is the grinding curse that keeps down noble under a load of care this is the moral that eats into the heart of an otherwise well human creature and makes him envious and malignant and inclined to the use of when he sees the fat idle woman of society passing by in her luxurious carriage back lazily her face with the purple and red signs of superfluous eating when he the and man of fashion smoking and away the hours in the park as if all the world and its millions of honest hard workers were created solely for the casual diversion of the so called upper classes then the good blood in him turns to and his suffering spirit rises in fierce rebellion crying out why in god s name should this injustice be why should a worthless have his pockets full of gold by the sorrows of satan mere chance and while i toiling wearily from till midnight afford myself a satisfying meal why indeed i why should the wicked flourish like a green bay tree i have often thought about it now however i believe i could help to solve the problem out of my own personal experience but such an experience who credit it who will believe that anything so strange and terrific ever chanced to the lot of a mortal man no one yet it is true truer than much so called truth moreover i know that many men are living through many such incidents as have occurred to me under precisely the same influence conscious perhaps at times that they are in the of sin but too weak of will to break the net in which they have become voluntarily imprisoned will they be taught i wonder the lesson i have learned in the same bitter school under the same formidable will they realize as i have been forced to do aye to the very of my in i perception the vast individual active mind which behind all matter works though silently a very eternal and positive god if so then dark problems will become clear to them and what seems injustice in the world will prove pure but i do not write with any hope of either p ng or my fellow men i know their obstinacy too well r can it by my own my proud belief in myself was at one time not to be by any human on the face of the globe and i am aware that others are in similar case i merely intend to relate the various incidents of my career in due order exactly as they happened leaving to more confident heads the business of and answering the of human existence as best they may f during a certain bitter winter long remembered for its severity when a great wave of intense cold spread influences not alone over the happy of britain but throughout all europe i tempest was alone in london and well nigh starving now a starving man seldom the sorrows of satan gets the sympathy he merits so few can be persuaded to believe in him worthy folks who have just fed to are the most incredulous some of them being even moved to smile when told of existing hungry people much as if these were occasional invented for after dinner amusement or with that of attention which fashionable folk to such an extent that when asking a question they neither wait for the answer nor understand it when given the well dined groups hearing of some one starved to death will idly murmur how dreadful and at once turn to the discussion of the latest for killing time ere it takes to killing them with sheer the pronounced fact of being hungry sounds coarse and common and is not a topic for polite society which always eats more than sufficient for its needs at the period i am speaking of however i who have since been one of the most envied of men knew the cruel meaning of the word hunger too well the pain the sick the deadly stupor the animal craving for mere food all of which sensations are frightful enough to those who are unhappily daily to them but which when they one who has been tenderly reared and brought up to consider himself a gentleman god save the mark are perhaps still more painful to bear and i felt that i had not deserved to suffer the wretchedness in which i found myself i had worked hard from the time my father died leaving me to discover that every penny of the fortune i imagined he possessed was due to and that nothing of all our house and estate was left to me except a miniature of my mother who had lost her own life in giving me birth from that time i say i had put my shoulder to the wheel and toiled late and early i had turned my university education to the only use for which it or i seemed fitted literature i had sought for on almost every journal in london refused by many taken on trial by some but getting steady pay from none whoever seeks to live by brain and pen alone is at the beginning i the sorrows of satan of such a career treated as a sort of social nobody wants him everybody him his efforts are his are flung back to him and he is less cared for than the condemned murderer in the murderer is at least fed and clothed a worthy clergyman visits him and his will occasionally condescend to play cards with him but a man gifted with original thoughts and the power of | 33 |
expressing them appears to be regarded by in authority as much worse than the worst criminal and all the in office unite to kick him to death if they can i took both and blows in a sullen silence and lived on not for the love of life but simply because i scorned the cowardice of self destruction i was young enough not to part with hope too easily the vague idea i had that my turn would come that the ever wheel of fortune would perchance lift me up some day as it now crushed me down kept me just wearily capable of continuing existence though it was merely a continuance and no more for about six months i got some work on a well known literary journal thirty novels a week were sent to me to i made a habit of glancing hastily at about eight or ten of them and writing one column of rattling abuse concerning these thus casually selected the remainder were never noticed at all i found that this mode of action was considered smart and i managed for a time to please my editor who paid me the sum of fifteen shillings for my weekly labour but on one fatal occasion i happened to change my and warmly praised a work which my own conscience told me was both original and excellent the author of it happened to be an old enemy of the proprietor of the journal on which i was employed my review of the hated individual unfortunately for me appeared with the result that private spite public justice and i was immediately dismissed after this i dragged on in a sufficiently miserable way doing hack work for the and living on promises n the sorrows of satan that never became realities till as i have said in the early january of the bitter winter alluded to i found myself literally and face to face with starvation owing a month s rent besides for the poor lodging i occupied in a back street not far from the british museum i had been out all day from one newspaper office to another seeking for work and finding none every available post was filled i had also tried to dispose of a manuscript of my own a work of fiction which i knew had some merit but which all the readers in the offices appeared to find worthless these readers i learned were most of them themselves who read other people s productions in their spare moments and passed judgment on them i have always failed to see the justice of this arrangement to me it seems merely the way to foster and suppress originality common sense points out the fact that the reader who has a place to maintain for himself in literature would naturally rather encourage work that is likely to prove than that which might possibly take a higher footing than his own be this as it may and however good or bad the s it was entirely to me and my literary offspring the last i tried was a kindly man who looked at my shabby clothes and gaunt face with some tm sorry said he very sorry but my readers are quite unanimous from what i can learn it seems to me you have been too earnest and also rather sarcastic in certain against society my dear fellow that won t do never blame society it books now if you could write a smart love story slightly even a little more than for that matter that is the sort of thing the present age pardon me i interposed somewhat wearily but are you sure you judge the public taste correctly he smiled a bland smile of indulgent amusement at what he no doubt considered my ignorance in putting such a the sorrows of satan of course i am sure he replied it is my business to know the public taste as thoroughly as i know my own pocket understand me i don t suggest that you should write a book on any positively subject that can be safely left to the new woman and he laughed but i assure you high class fiction doesn t sell the critics don t like it to begin with what goes down with them and with the public is a bit of told in newspaper english literary english english is a mistake and i am also a mistake i think i said with a forced smile at any rate if what you say be true i must lay down the pen and try another trade i am old fashioned enough to consider literature as the highest of all professions and i would rather not join in with those who voluntarily it he gave me a quick side glance of mingled incredulity and well well he finally observed you are a little that will wear off will you come on to my club and dine with me i refused this invitation promptly i knew the man saw and recognised my wretched plight and pride false pride if you will rose up to my rescue i bade him a hurried good day and started back to my lodging carrying my rejected manuscript with me arrived there my landlady met me as i was about to ascend the stairs and asked me whether i would kindly settle accounts the next day she spoke enough poor soul and not without a certain compassionate hesitation in her manner her evident pity for me my spirit as much as the s offer of a dinner had wounded my pride and with a perfectly audacious air of certainty i at once promised her the money at the time she herself appointed though i had not the least idea where or how i should get | 33 |
the required sum once past her and shut in my own room i flung my useless manuscript on the floor the sorrows of satan ii and myself into a chair and swore it refreshed me to swear and it seemed natural for though temporarily weakened by lack of food i was not yet so weak as to shed tears and a fierce formidable oath was to me the same sort of physical relief which i imagine a fit of weeping may be to an woman just as i could not shed tears so was i incapable of god in my despair to speak frankly i did not believe in any god then i was to myself an all mortal the time worn of so called religion of course i had been brought up in the christian faith but that creed had become worse than useless to me since i had realized the utter of christian ministers to deal with difficult life problems i was adrift in chaos mentally i was both in thought and achievement bodily i was reduced to want my case was desperate i myself was desperate it was a moment when if ever good and evil angels play a game of chance for a man s soul they were surely throwing the on the last for mine and yet with it all i felt i had done my best i was driven into a comer by my fellow men who me space to live in but i had fought against it i had worked honestly and patiently all to no purpose i knew of who gained plenty of money and of who were large fortunes their prosperity appeared to prove that honesty after all was not the best policy what should i do then how should i begin the business of committing evil that good personal good might come of it so i thought if such stray half fancies as i was capable of deserved the name of thought the night was bitter cold my hands were and i tried to warm them at the oil lamp my landlady was good enough to still allow me the use of in spite of delayed as i did so i noticed three letters on the table one in a long blue envelope suggestive of either a summons or a returned manuscript one bearing the post the sorrows of satan mark and the third a thick square in red and gold at the back i turned over all three indifferently and selecting the one from balanced it in my hand a moment before opening it i knew from whom it came and idly wondered what news it brought me some months previously i had written a detailed account of my increasing debts and difficulties to an old college who finding england too narrow for his ambition had gone out to the wider new world on a quest of gold he was getting on well so i understood and had secured a fairly substantial position and i had therefore ventured to ask him point blank for the loan of fifty pounds here no doubt was his reply and i hesitated before breaking the seal of course it will be a refusal i said half aloud however kindly a friend may otherwise be he soon turns if asked to lend money he will express many regrets accuse trade and the general bad times and hope i will soon tide over i know the sort of thing well after all why should i expect him to be different to other men i ve no claim on him beyond the memory of a few sentimental arm days at oxford a sigh escaped me in spite of myself and a mist my sight for the moment again i saw the grey towers of peaceful and the fair green trees the walks in and around the dear old university town where we i and the man whose letter i now held in my hand strolled about together as happy youths that we were young born to the world we were both fond of we were of and the thoughts and of all the immortal and and i verily believe in those imaginative days we thought we had in us such stuff as heroes are made of but our entrance into the social soon robbed us of our sublime conceit we common working no more the grind and prose of daily life put into the background and we soon discovered that society was more interested in the latest scandal the sorrows of satan than in the of or the wisdom of well it was no doubt extremely foolish of us to dream that we might help to a world in which both and christ appear to have failed yet the most hardened will scarcely deny that it is pleasant to look back to the days of his youth if he can think that at least then if only once in his life he had noble impulses the lamp burned badly and i had to re trim it before i could settle down to read my friend s letter next door was playing a and playing it well tenderly and yet with a certain amount of the notes came dancing from the bow and i listened vaguely pleased being faint with hunger i was somewhat in a state on stupor and the penetrating sweetness of the music appealing to the and part of me drowned for the moment mere animal craving there you go i murmured the unseen away oil that friendly fiddle of yours no doubt for a mere which barely keeps you alive possibly you are some poor wretch in a cheap or you might even be a player and be able to live in this neighbourhood of the starving you can have | 33 |
no hope whatever of being the fashion and making your bow before or if you have that hope it is wildly play on my friend play on the sounds make are very agreeable and seem to imply that you are happy i wonder if you are or if like me you are going rapidly to the devil the music grew softer and more plaintive and was now accompanied by the rattle of against the a wind whistled under the door and roared down the chimney a wind cold as the grasp of death searching as a knife i shivered and bending close over the smoky lamp prepared to read my news as i opened the envelope a bill for fifty pounds to me at a well known london banker s fell out upon the table the sorrows of satan my heart gave a quick bound of mingled relief and gratitude why jack old fellow i wronged you i exclaimed your heart is in the right place after all and profoundly touched by my friend s ready generosity i eagerly his letter it was not very long and had evidently been written off in haste dear i m sorry to hear you are down on your luck it shows what a crop of fools are still flourishing in london when a man of your cannot gain his proper place in the world of letters and be acknowledged i believe it s all a question of wire pulling and money is the only thing that will pull the wires here s the fifty you ask for and welcome don t hurry about paying it back i am doing you a good turn this year by sending you a friend a real friend mind you no sham he brings you a letter of introduction from me and between ourselves old man you cannot do better than put yourself and your literary affairs entirely in his hands he knows everybody and is up to all the of management and newspaper he is a great besides and seems particularly fond of the society of the clergy rather a queer taste you will say but his reason for such preference is as he has explained to me quite frankly that he is so wealthy that he does not quite know what to do with his money and the reverend gentlemen of the church are generally ready to show him how to spend some of it he is always glad to know of some quarter where his money and influence he is very influential may be useful to others he has helped me out of a very serious and i owe him a big debt of gratitude i ve told him all about you what a smart fellow you are and what a lot dear old thought of you and he has promised to give you a lift up he can do anything he likes very naturally seeing that the the sorrows of satan whole world of morals civilization and the rest is to the power of money and us stock of cash appears to be use him he is willing and ready to be used and write and let me know how you get on don t bother about the fifty till you feel you have over the storm ever yours i laughed as i read the absurd signature though my eyes were dim with something like tears was the given to my friend by several of our college companions and neither he nor i knew how it first arose but no one except the ever addressed him by his proper name which was john he was simply and he remained even now for all those who had been his i and put by his letter and the for the fifty pounds and with a passing vague wonder as to what manner of man the might be who had more money than he knew what to do with i turned to the consideration of my other two relieved to feel that now whatever happened i could settle up with my landlady the next day as i had promised moreover i could order some supper and have a fire lit to cheer my chilly room before attending to these creature comforts however i opened the long blue envelope that looked so like a threat of legal proceedings and the paper within stared at it what was it all about the written characters danced before my eyes puzzled and bewildered i found myself reading the thing over and over again without any clear comprehension of it presently a glimmer of meaning flashed upon me startling my senses like an electric shock no no impossible fortune never could be so mad as this never so wildly capricious and grotesque of humour it was some senseless that was being practised upon me and yet if it were a joke it was a very elaborate and remarkable one with the i the sorrows of satan majesty of the law too upon my word and by all the that govern human affairs the news seemed actually positive and genuine ii my thoughts with an effort i read every word of the document over again deliberately and the of my wonder increased was i going mad or sickening for a fever or could this startling this piece of information be really true because if indeed it were true good heavens i turned giddy to think of it and it was only by sheer force of will that i kept myself from with the agitation of such sudden surprise and ecstasy if it were true why then the world was mine i was king instead of beggar i was everything i chose to be the letter the amazing letter bore the printed name of a noted firm of | 33 |
small and picturesque hand dear sir i am the bearer of a letter of introduction to you from your former college companion mr john now of who has been good enough to thus give me the means of making the acquaintance of one who i understand is more than endowed with the gift of literary genius i shall call upon you this evening between eight and nine o clock trusting to find you at home and disengaged i my card and present address and beg to remain very faithfully yours the card mentioned dropped on the table as i finished reading the note it bore a small exquisitely engraved and the words prince while lightly in pencil underneath was the address grand hotel i read the brief letter through again it was simple enough expressed with clearness and civility there was nothing remarkable about it nothing whatever yet it seemed to me with meaning why i could not imagine j the sorrows of satan a curious fascination kept my eyes fastened on the characteristic bold handwriting and made me fancy i should like the man who it how the wind roared and how that next door like the restless spirit of some forgotten in torment my brain swam and my heart ached heavily the of the rain outside sounded like the stealthy of some secret spy upon my movements i grew irritable and nervous a of evil somehow darkened the bright consciousness of my sudden good fortune then an impulse of shame possessed me shame that this foreign prince if such he were with wealth at his back should be coming to visit me me now a in my present wretched lodging already before i had touched my riches i was by the miserable vulgarity of seeking to pretend i had never been really poor but only embarrassed by a little temporary difficulty if i had had a sixpence about me which i had not i should have sent a to my approaching visitor to put him off but in any case i said aloud addressing myself to the empty room and the storm echoes i will not meet him to night i ll go out and leave no message and if he comes he will think i have not yet had his letter i can make an appointment to see him when i am better lodged and dressed more in keeping with my present position in the meantime nothing is easier than to keep out of this would be benefactor s way as i spoke the flickering lamp gave a dismal and went out leaving me in pitch darkness with an exclamation more strong than i about the room for matches or failing them for my hat and coat and i was still engaged in a fruitless and search when i caught a sound of galloping horses hoofs coming to an abrupt stop in the street below surrounded by black gloom i paused and listened there was a slight commotion in the i heard my landlady s accents to nervous civility mingling with the sorrows of satan the mellow tones of a deep masculine voice then steps firm and even ascended the stairs to my landing the devil is in it i muttered just like my luck here comes the very man i intended to avoid ill the door opened and from the dense obscurity me i could just perceive a tall shadowy figure standing on the threshold i remember well the curious impression the mere outline of this scarcely discerned form made upon me even then suggesting at the first glance such a stately majesty of height and bearing as at once my attention so much so indeed that i scarcely heard my landlady s words a gentleman to see you sir words that were quickly interrupted by a murmur of dismay at finding the room in total darkness well to be sure the lamp must have gone out she exclaimed then addressing the personage she had ushered thus far she added i m afraid mr tempest isn t in after all sir though i certainly saw him about half an hour ago if you don t mind waiting here a minute i ll fetch a light and see if he has left any message on his table she hurried away and though i knew that of course i ought to speak a singular and quite inexplicable of humour kept me silent and unwilling to declare my presence meanwhile the tall stranger advanced a pace or two and a rich voice with a ring of amusement in it called me by my name tempest are you there why could i not answer the strangest and most unnatural obstinacy my tongue and concealed in the gloom of my forlorn literary den i still held my peace the majestic figure drew nearer till in height and breadth it the sorrows of satan seemed to suddenly me and once again the voice called tempest are you there for very shame s sake i could hold out no longer and with a determined effort i broke the extraordinary dumb spell that had held me like a coward in silent hiding and came forward boldly to my visitor yes i am here i said and being here i am ashamed to give you such a welcome as this you are prince of course i have just read your note which prepared me for your visit but i was hoping that my landlady finding the room in darkness would conclude i was out and show you downstairs again you see i am perfectly frank you are indeed returned the stranger his deep tones still with the silvery of veiled satire so frank that i cannot fail to understand you briefly and without courtesy you | 33 |
resent my visit this evening and wish i had not come this open declaration of my mood sounded so that i made haste to deny it though i knew it to be true truth even in trifles always seems unpleasant pray do not think me so i said the fact is i only opened your letter a few minutes ago and before i could make any arrangements to receive you the lamp went out with the awkward result that i am forced to greet you in this darkness which is almost too dense to shake hands in shall we try my visitor with a sudden softening of accent that gave his words a singular charm here is my hand if yours has any friendly instinct in it the twain will meet quite blindly and without guidance i at once extended my hand and it was instantly clasped in a warm and somewhat manner at that instant a light flashed on the scene my landlady entered bearing what she called her best lamp and set it on the table i believe she uttered some exclamation of surprise at seeing the sorrows of satan o me she may have said anything or nothing i did not hear or heed so entirely was i amazed and fascinated by the appearance of the man whose long slender hand still held mine i am myself an average good height but he was fully half a head taller than i if not more than that and as i looked at him i thought i had never seen so much beauty and combined in the outward personality of any human being the finely shaped head both power and wisdom and was nobly poised on such shoulders as might have a the countenance was a pure oval and singularly pale this complexion the almost fiery brilliancy of the full dark eyes which had in them a curious and wonderfully attractive look of mingled mirth and misery the mouth was perhaps the most telling feature in this remarkable face set in the perfect curve of beauty it was yet firm determined and not too small thus escaping and i noted that in repose it expressed bitterness disdain and even cruelty but with the light of a smile upon it it signified or seemed to signify something more subtle than any passion to which we can give a name and already with the rapidity of a lightning flash i caught myself wondering what that mystic something might be at a glance i comprehended these details of my new acquaintance s eminently appearance and when my hand dropped from his close grasp i felt as if i had known him all my life and now face to face with him in the bright lamp light i remembered my actual surroundings the bare cold room the lack of fire the black that sprinkled the nearly floor my own shabby clothes and deplorable aspect as compared with this looking individual who carried the visible evidence of wealth upon him in the superb russian that lined and bordered his long overcoat which he now partially and threw open with a carelessly imperial air the while he regarded me smiling i know i have come at an awkward moment he said i always do it is my peculiar misfortune well bred the sorrows of satan people never intrude where they are not wanted and in this particular i m afraid my manners leave much to be desired try to forgive me if you can for the sake of this and he held out a letter addressed to me in my friend s familiar handwriting and permit me to sit down while you read my he took a chair and seated himself i observed his handsome face and easy attitude with renewed admiration no are necessary i said with all the cordiality i now really felt i have already had a letter from in which he speaks of you in the highest and most grateful terms but the fact is well really prince you must excuse me if i seem confused or astonished i had expected to see quite an old man and i broke off somewhat embarrassed by the keen glance of the brilliant eyes that met mine so no one is old my dear sir nowadays he declared lightly even the and are at fifty than they were at fifteen one does not talk of age at all now in polite society it is ill bred even coarse things are age has become an thing it is therefore avoided in conversation you expected to see an old man you say well you are not disappointed i am old in fact you have no idea how very old i am i laughed at this piece of absurdity why you are younger than i i said or if not you look it ah my looks me he returned gaily i am like several of the most noted fashionable beauties much than i seem but come read the i hav brought you i shall not be satisfied till you do thus requested and wishing to prove myself as courteous as i had hitherto been i at once opened my friend s note and read as follows the sorrows of satan dear the bearer of this prince is a very distinguished scholar and gentleman allied by descent to one of the oldest families in europe or for that matter in the world you as a student and lover of ancient history will be interested to know that his ancestors were originally princes of who afterwards settled in from thence they went to and there continued through many centuries the last of the house being the very gifted and genial personage who as my good friend i have | 33 |
the pleasure of to your kindest regard certain and overpowering circumstances have forced him into exile from his native province and deprived him of a great part of his possessions so that he is to a considerable extent a wanderer on the face of the earth and has travelled far and seen much and has a wide experience of men and things he is a poet and of great skill and though he himself with the arts solely for his own amusement i think you will find his practical knowledge of literary matters eminently useful to you in your difficult career i must not forget to add that in all matters scientific he is an absolute master wishing you both a cordial friendship i am dear yours sincerely john the signature of had evidently been deemed out of place this time and somehow i was foolishly vexed at its there seemed to be something formal and stiff in the letter almost as if it had been written to and under pressure what gave me this idea i know not i glanced at my silent companion he caught my stray look and returned it with a curiously grave fearing lest my momentary vague distrust of him had been reflected in my eyes i made haste to speak this letter prince adds to my shame and regret that i the sorrows of satan should have greeted you in so a manner this evening no apology can my but you cannot imagine how i felt and still feel to be compelled to receive you in this miserable den it is not at all the sort of place in which i should have liked to welcome you and i broke off with a renewed sense of irritation remembering how actually rich i now was and that in spite of this i was obliged to seem poor meanwhile the prince aside my remarks with a light gesture of his hand why be he demanded rather be proud that you can dispense with the vulgar of luxury genius in a garret and dies in a palace is not that the generally accepted theory rather a worn out and mistaken one i consider i replied genius might like to try the effect of a palace for once it usually dies of starvation true but in thus dying think how many fools it afterwards there is an all wise providence in this my dear sir perished of want but see what large profits all the music have made since out of his it is a most beautiful of nature that honest folk should be sacrificed in order to provide for the of he laughed and i looked at him in a little surprise his remark touched so near my own opinions that i wondered whether he were in jest or earnest you speak of course i said you do not really believe what you say oh do i not he returned with a flash of his fine eyes that was almost lightning like in its intensity if i could not believe the teaching of my own experience what would be left to me i always realize the needs must of things how does the old go needs must when the devil drives there is really no possible contradiction to offer to the accuracy of that statement the devil drives the whip in hand and oddly enough considering that some the sorrows of satan folk still fancy there is a god somewhere in managing his team with extraordinary ease his brow clouded and the bitter lines about his mouth deepened and hardened anon he laughed again lightly and continued but let us not morals the soul both in church and out of it every sensible man hates to be told what he could be and what he be i am here to make friends with you if you permit and to put an end to ceremony will you accompany me back to my hotel where i have ordered supper by this time i had become fascinated by his easy manner handsome presence and voice the turn of his humour suited mine i felt we should get on well together and my first annoyance at being discovered by him in such poverty stricken circumstances somewhat with pleasure i replied but first of all you must allow me to explain matters a little you have heard a good deal about my affairs from my friend john and i know from his private letter to me that you have come here out of pure ness and for that generous intention i thank you i know you expected to find a poor wretch of a literary man struggling with the circumstances of disappointment and poverty and a couple of hours ago you would have amply fulfilled that expectation but now things have changed i have received news which completely my position in fact i have had a very great and remarkable surprise this evening an agreeable one i trust interposed my companion i smiled judge for yourself and i handed him the lawyer s letter which informed me of my suddenly acquired fortune he glanced it through rapidly then folded and returned it to me with a courteous bow i suppose i should congratulate you he said and the sorrows of satan i do though of course this wealth which seems to content you to me appears a mere trifle it can be quite conveniently run through and exhausted in about eight years or less therefore it does not provide absolute from care to be rich really rich in my sense of the word one should have about a million a year then one might reasonably hope to escape the he laughed and i stared at him not knowing how | 33 |
to take his words whether as truth or idle five millions of money a mere trifle he went on without apparently noticing my amazement the inexhaustible of a man my dear sir can never be satisfied if he is not consumed by desire for one thing he is for another and his tastes are generally expensive a few pretty and women for example would soon relieve you of your five millions in the purchase of jewels alone horse racing would do it still more quickly no no you are not rich you are still poor only your needs are no longer so pressing as they were and in this i confess myself somewhat disappointed for i came ta you hoping to do a good turn to some one for once in my life and to play the foster father to a rising genius and here i am as usual it is a singular thing do you know but nevertheless a fact that whenever i have had any particular intentions towards a man i am always it is really rather hard upon me he broke off and raised his head in a listening attitude what is that he asked it was the next door playing a well known ave maria i told him so dismal very dismal he said with a contemptuous shrug i hate all that kind of stuff well as you are and acknowledged lion of society as you shortly will be there is no objection i hope to the proposed supper and perhaps a music hall afterwards if you feel inclined what do you say the sorrows of satan he clapped me on the shoulder cordially and looked straight into my face those wonderful eyes of his suggestive of both tears and fire fixed me with a clear gaze that completely me i made no attempt to resist the singular attraction which now possessed me for this man whom i had but just met the sensation was too strong and too pleasant to be only for one moment more i hesitated looking down at my shabby attire i am not fit to accompany you prince i said i look more like a tramp than a he glanced at me and smiled upon my life so you do he but be satisfied you are in this respect very like many another it is only the poor and proud who take the trouble to dress well they and the dear naughty ladies generally and becoming attire an ill fitting coat often the back of a prime minister and if you see a woman clad in clothes cut and coloured you may be sure she is eminently virtuous renowned for good works and probably a he rose drawing his about him what matter the coat if the purse be full he continued gaily let it once be properly in the papers that you are a and doubtless some tailor will invent a tempest coloured softly like your present garb an artistic green and now come along your s communication should have given you a good appetite or it is not so valuable as it seems and i want you to do justice to my supper i have my own with me and he is not without skill i hope by the way you will at least do me this much service that legal discussion and settlement of your affairs you will let me be your banker this offer was made with such an air of courteous delicacy and friendship that i could do no more than accept it gratefully as it relieved me from all temporary embarrassment i the sorrows of satan hastily wrote a few lines to my landlady telling her she would receive the money owing to her by f next day then thrusting my rejected manuscript my only worldly possession into my coat pocket i extinguished the lamp and with the new friend i had so suddenly gained i left my dismal lodgings and all its miserable associations for ever i little thought the day would come when i should look back to the time spent in that small mean room as the best period of my life when i should regard the bitter poverty i then endured as the stern but holy angel meant to guide me to the highest and noblest when i should pray desperately with wild tears to be as i was then rather than as i am now is it well or ill for us i wonder that the future is hidden from our knowledge should we steer our ways clearer from evil if we knew its result it is a doubtful question at my ignorance for the moment was indeed bliss i went joyfully out of the dreary house where i had lived so long among disappointments and difficulties turning my back upon it with such a sense of relief as could never be expressed in words and the last thing i heard as i passed into the street with my companion was a plaintive long drawn wail of minor melody which seemed to be sent after me like a parting cry by the unknown and invisible player of the iv outside the prince s carriage waited drawn by two spirited black horses in silver magnificent which the ground and their bits impatient of delay at sight of his master the smart footman in attendance threw the door open touching his hat respectfully we stepped in i preceding my companion at his expressed desire and as i sank back among the easy cushions i felt the complacent consciousness of luxury and power to the sorrows of satan such an extent that it seemed as if i had left my days of already a long way behind me hunger and happiness disputed my sensations between them | 33 |
the of this low fellow s countenance was i knew a true of what i should find reflected in the manner and attitude of all polite society for there the estimate of the sorrows of satan worth is no higher than a common servant s estimate and is taken solely from the money standard if you are poor and dress you are thrust aside and ignored but if you are rich you may wear shabby clothes as much as you like you are still and flattered and invited everywhere though you may be the greatest fool alive or the worst with vague thoughts such as these flitting over my mind i followed my host to his rooms he occupied nearly a whole wing of the hotel having a large drawing room dining room and study en fitted up in the most luxurious manner besides bedroom and dressing room with other rooms adjoining for his and two extra personal attendants the table was laid for supper and glittered with the glass silver and china being adorned by baskets of the most exquisite fruit and flowers and in a few moments we were seated the prince s acted as head waiter and i noticed that now this man s face seen in the full light of the electric lamps seemed very dark and unpleasant even sinister in expression but in the performance of his duties he was being quick attentive and so much so that i inwardly reproached myself for taking an instinctive dislike to him his name was and i found myself involuntarily watching his movements they were so noiseless his very step suggesting the stealthy gliding of a cat or a tiger he was assisted in his work by the two other attendants who served as his and who were equally active and well trained and presently i found myself enjoying the meal i had tasted for many and many a long day with such wine as might be apt to dream of but never succeed in finding i began to feel perfectly at my ease and talked with freedom and confidence the strong attraction i had for my new friend deepening with every moment i passed in his company will you continue your literary career now you have this little fortune left you he inquired when at the close of the sorrows of satan supper set the and cigars before us and respectfully withdrew do you think you will care to go on with it certainly i shall i replied if only for the fun of the thing you see with money i can force my name into notice whether the public like it or not no newspaper refuses paying true but may not inspiration refuse to flow from a full purse and an empty head this remark provoked me not a little do you consider me empty headed i asked with some vexation not at present my dear tempest do not let either the we have been drinking or the we are going to drink speak for you in such haste i assure you i do not think you empty headed on the contrary your head i believe from what i have heard has been and is full of ideas excellent ideas original ideas which the world of conventional criticism does not want but whether these ideas will continue to in your brain or whether with the full purse they will cease is now the question great originality and inspiration strange to say seldom the inspiration is supposed to come from above money from below in your case however both originality and inspiration may continue to flourish and bring forth fruit i trust they may it often happens nevertheless that when bags of money fall to the lot of genius god and the devil walks in have you never heard that never i answered smiling well of course the saying is foolish and sounds doubly ridiculous in this age when people believe in neither god nor devil it however that one must choose an up or a down genius is the up money is the down you cannot fly and at the same instant the possession of money is not likely to cause a man to i said it is the one thing necessary to the sorrows of satan strengthen his soaring powers and lift him to the greatest heights you think so and my host lit his cigar with a grave and pre occupied air then i m afraid you don t know much about what i shall call natural what belongs to the earth surely you realize that gold most strictly belongs to the earth you dig it out of the ground you handle it and dispose of it in solid or bars it is a substantial metal enough genius belongs to nobody knows where you cannot dig it up or pass it on or do anything with it except stand and marvel it is a rare and capricious as the wind and generally i sad among the of men j i as i said an upper thing beyond earthly smells and d those who have it always live in unknown high but money is a perfectly level the when you have much of it you come on your flat and down you stay i laughed upon my word you preach very against wealth i said you yourself are unusually rich are you sorry for it no i am not sorry because being sorry would be no use he returned and i never waste my time but i am telling you the truth genius and great riches hardly ever pull together now i for example you cannot imagine what great i had once a long time ago before i became my own | 33 |
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